# Facebook Friend Request



## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

So my wife cheated on me before and I could be hyper vigilant but I have to ask opinions on this.

We just moved into a new house and some neighbors threw a welcome to the neighborhood party for us. At the party, there was one guy whose wife was disabled and looked really old and not very attractive. She has health issues.

The husband was nice enough.

Today, I checked her FB account and he sent her a friend request - but not to me. She accepted the request. I told my wife I thought it was strange he sent her a friend request but not me.

She just rolled her eyes and said she was so tired of it.

I just don't like it.

Feedback?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Send him a friend request.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Facebook creates so much drama for so many married couples, it seems. I do think it's odd that he only sent her a friend request. Maybe just keep an eye on things.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

I thought you were leaving the country again to teach. Shouldn't you be in Costa Rica by now?

ETA. Get this account merged with your AmericanSteve persona.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> I thought you were leaving the country again to teach.


I was but we bought this new house and there were child care issues so I put it off for another year.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

So what is it you don't like?

That he sent a friend request?

That she accepted it?

That you did not get one?

That she rolled her eyes and said she is tired of it?

Well most likely she was friendly, you were not, and he wants to **** your wife.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> So what is it you don't like?
> 
> That he sent a friend request?
> 
> ...


Yes, yes, yes and yes - I don't like any of it.
And yes, I too think that he wants to **** my wife.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

That you are still here is ridiculous, but almost as ridiculous as a person who cheats and then rolls their eyes and says get over it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> That you are still here is ridiculous, but almost as ridiculous as a person who cheats and then rolls their eyes and says get over it.


Yes but do you think I should be concerned about this guy or am I just being hyper-vigilant?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

higgsb said:


> So my wife cheated on me before and I could be hyper vigilant but I have to ask opinions on this.
> 
> We just moved into a new house and some neighbors threw a welcome to the neighborhood party for us. At the party, there was one guy whose wife was disabled and looked really old and not very attractive. She has health issues.
> 
> ...


She cheated, but she is tired of "so tired or it"? As in, she is tired of you asking such questions?

Did you reconcile with someone who did not earn it?

ETA: Ah, I remember you. Good luck.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Ohhh, so there's more to this story, hmmm.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> She cheated, but she is tired of "so tired or it"? As in, she is tired of you asking such questions?


Exactly - she is tired of me asking such questions.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

higgsb said:


> Yes but do you think I should be concerned about this guy or am I just being hyper-vigilant?


Your wife who cheated on you and then is dismissive is someone it is completely ok to be hyper-vigilant about. I wouldn't waste my time and I'd move on with my life. But given you don't seem to want to do that, I'd question any guy who face booked get and/or she befriends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> Your wife who cheated on you and then is dismissive is someone it is completely ok to be hyper-vigilant about. I wouldn't waste my time and I'd move on with my life. But given you don't seem to want to do that, I'd question any guy who face booked get and/or she befriends.


That's what I think too - this guy is up to no good and I don't trust her to be faithful. 

I'm going overseas next year but with the new house and all, it justn't wasn't practical.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

higgsb said:


> And yes, I too think that he wants to **** my wife.


I expect there where a lot of guys there that wants to ***** your wife. The question is can your wife keep from making their wants become reality. My advice, stay away from parties and stay home in that new house you just had to have.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Yes, be worried. Your wife is a remorseless cheater.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> My advice, stay away from parties and stay home in that new house you just had to have.


The new house was big reason to reconcile. At 55, I want a nice house to retire to in 10 or 12 years. I think it was a good move - and it's a beautiful house that backs up to a forest. I really like it.

But yea, that's the issue. This guy has an old disabled wife with health issues and he wants to **** my wife. Will she let him? That's the real question.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Why don't you just give her the ole heave ho and keep the house? At some point you need to quit d-cking around and make up your mind whether you really want to stay with a woman that put out to other guys. She ain't the kind of chick you can just leave to do your thing and expect her to keep the home fire burning. She may be too happy getting her hearth filled by wood from another cutter. You can't make a silk purse from a sows ear my man.


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## weltschmerz (Feb 18, 2016)

****ing Facebook man, plague of many a marriage. Your wife is a faithless filthy b!tch, make no mistake of that, higgs boson. The house was the reason you reconciled? I'd rather sleep in a bin.

You send the bastard a friend request and the next time you meet him, you better give him the impression that his wife won't be the only one disabled if he makes a wrong move. Preemptive strikes are your best friend.


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## weltschmerz (Feb 18, 2016)

higgsb said:


> The new house was big reason to reconcile. At 55, I want a nice house to retire to in 10 or 12 years. I think it was a good move - and it's a beautiful house that backs up to a forest. I really like it.
> 
> But yea, that's the issue. This guy has an old disabled wife with health issues and he wants to **** my wife. Will she let him? That's the real question.


When you're married to someone who previously cheated and rolls her eyes when you question her about befriending a strange turd on facebook, there's only one man who'll be doing the ****ing. Infidelity does not need a no first strike policy. Go berserk on his ass. Don't wait for him to **** your wife cos he will and she'll let him.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

@weltschmerz



> You send the bastard a friend request and the next time you meet him, you better give him the impression that his wife won't be the only one disabled if he makes a wrong move.


My first thought was to send him a friend request. 

My wife gave me all the login information for everything I asked for and she knows I monitor her account. It could be innocent on her part. I mean, is she going to decline the new neighbors friend request after he threw us a party? 

I know what this guys up to but its her I'm worried about. I already went through a year focusing on the AP and its just a waste of time. If its not him then it'll be some other *******.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Send him a friend request. Monitor this facebook friendship. In fact cut out any signs of personal friendship developing between them.

She made her bed now she can sleep in it. That means sleeping under your conditions.

Given her record you have every reason to be upset.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

higgsb said:


> So my wife cheated on me before and I could be hyper vigilant but I have to ask opinions on this.
> 
> We just moved into a new house and some neighbors threw a welcome to the neighborhood party for us. At the party, there was one guy whose wife was disabled and looked really old and not very attractive. She has health issues.
> 
> ...


Your wife is the one who doesn't get it.

She is showing you and the neighbour in the wheelchair great disrespect.

And her husband is showing her and you great disrespect.

You need to monitor the situation.

Consider reaching out to the wife if necessary?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cowboy2 (Nov 12, 2013)

Big red flag. Tell her to unfriend him and earn a small modicum of respect back.


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

Stop being a hostage keeper. If you don't trust her at this point, then you are just wasting your time. You don't want anyone else to have her because she "belongs" to you, so you hang on like a dog with a bone.

It is not about her, it's about you. If you don't trust her and that is a cornerstone of a good marriage, then you don't have a good marriage. Period. Not an otherwise good marriage or a great in every other area marriage, it's not a good one. It's like a 3 legged racehorse. It'd be great with 4 legs, but it's still a good horse. You can't ride it, it can't pull anything, you have to tend to it all the time, but you can try to sell its semen. 

At 55, you need to fix your issues or move on. In either event, stop keeping a hostage. Hyper vigilant sounds better, but it's just a fancy way of saying hostage keeping.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

She's so tired of what? Boundaries? Well, tough sh*t sweetie, that's marriage.

Him friend requesting her and not you is a red flag. He wants to connect with her but not you. Now ask yourself...why would a man want to connect with a woman but not her husband?

Listen my friend. Nip this sh*t in the bud. In 2016 the male human has been so neutered by neo-feminist nazi'ism that he sits back while his wife gets close with other men. NIP THIS SH*T IN THE BUD RIGHT NOW. Especially with a woman that has already cheated. There are no opposite sex friends for her. She blew that trust. NIP IT NOW!


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

weltschmerz said:


> When you're married to someone who previously cheated and rolls her eyes when you question her about befriending a strange turd on facebook, there's only one man who'll be doing the ****ing. Infidelity does not need a no first strike policy. Go berserk on his ass. Don't wait for him to **** your wife cos he will and she'll let him.


Now this is how a real man would handle his business. The problem is 2016 "men" who have been neutered by femi-nazi'ism don't. They sit back and wait for their wives to f*ck other men and then they cry like babies at how hurt they are. We need a masculine renaissance. Men need to re-discover their testicles and be kings of their castle.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

This happens to us all the time. We had never considered it concerning. People friend request only me, I guess because I am outgoing, social, friendly. Men and women alike. I never thought it was because they want to b0ne me.

From my standpoint, I wouldn't have even thought twice about it, but I know that you did because of her former A. That would be exhausting always having to worry. Gag.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Let's be honest, your marriage is not a firm foundation, she cheated, she's not really remorseful, there is no trust, your not leaving her, you buy a house, your leaving the country next year, whether she cheats on you while your living there or she waits to cheat when you leave next year doesn't matter, either way, that house you brought to retire in will be used by her new guy when you get back....i am still trying to understand your game plan?


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

Spicy said:


> This happens to us all the time. We had never considered it concerning. People friend request only me, I guess because I am outgoing, social, friendly. Men and women alike. I never thought it was because they want to b0ne me.
> 
> From my standpoint, I wouldn't have even thought twice about it, but I know that you did because of her former A. That would be exhausting always having to worry. Gag.


You think nothing of it because you ladies never see it coming. You do the "oh, he's just a nice guy." "He's a friend that I have some things in common with, it's not like that." "He's like a brother to me." "Don't be gross, we're just friends."

It's as old as Moses. You guys never see it coming. Those male "friends" of yours? Every single one of them wants to bone you. The first time you would give any indication whatsoever, and however subtle, that you'd be open to that, then they'll start driving hard to the hoop. Until then, they bide their time being a good "friend" to you.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

There is a chance that he decided to friend request the both of you, but could only find your wife. This happens to me often, I’ll go looking for someone specific on facebook and for some reason, I cannot find them. For instance, when I lived in another city 15+ years ago, I had a gay make best friend. We worked together and spent a lot of time together shopping, tanning, getting our hair done, going to lunch, etc. He was the best “girlfriend” I’d ever had! I kept in touch with him for years after I moved back to my home town, then it started dwindling down as long distance contact goes, phone number changes, etc. I looked high and low for him on facebook and could never find him. I mean, I didn’t try constantly, just here and there over the years. I finally found him about a year ago. (this is not a real name, but a similar variation) He always went by Cliff. And he was named after his dad and grandfather, so when he would write his name, he would write Cliff Jones III. When I finally found him, he was listed as Clifford Jones 3. That simple variation was enough to not be able to find him for years. 

So there is a SLIGHT chance that he didn’t request you because he couldn’t find you – for some reason. Facebook can be weird like that. How many friends does this guy have? Is he a friend hoarder? Or is his facebook more ‘intimate’. I have friends who work in sales who will friend request ANYONE they interact with on a sales basis. I have quite a few friends who sell cell phones and sell cars. All of them are like that, new customer – they send a friend request. I’ve also noticed that, at least around here, people running for offices are sending out friend requests left and right. I recently became friends with the guy running for county prosecutor. I received a friend request from his opponent as well. I actually received about 5 requests this weekend, all from people running for different offices here in town. I only accepted the one from the guy running for county prosecutor – because he was the prosecuting attorney on the case I sat jury for a few years back – attempted murder – and I have ridiculous respect for him, he did an AMAZING job, and his opponent is a psycho nut job. 

However, it could be very possible this guy wants to bang your wife. If he does, I’m sure you’ll start to see signs soon. 

The part that bothers me about this is NOT that he friend requested your wife – it’s her REACTION to it. That’s your problem.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

I sent this bozo a friend request and if he doesn't accept, I'll just unfriend him from my wife's FB account. Her position is that I have all her login information and she knows I'm always monitoring her phone logs, messages and FB account and that she didn't do anything wrong. 

This guy is a real ******* though isn't he? Everyone at the party was tagged on a picture so thats probably how he found my wife's FB address so he had just as much access to mine. I guess he is just the face of a cheater - I mean who friend's a man's wife?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

it might be innocent and it might not be (from his POV and hers).

you might be being paranoid or you might not be.

however, particularly in this case where your wife has a history of cheating, you must consider the all motives including the worst.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

higgsb said:


> I sent this bozo a friend request and if he doesn't accept, I'll just unfriend him from my wife's FB account. Her position is that I have all her login information and she knows I'm always monitoring her phone logs, messages and FB account and that she didn't do anything wrong.
> 
> This guy is a real ******* though isn't he? Everyone at the party was tagged on a picture so thats probably how he found my wife's FB address so he had just as much access to mine. I guess he is just the face of a cheater - I mean who friend's a man's wife?


Your instinct about this douche bag is spot on. Don't be passive. I'd unfriend and block his sorry butt. Good job on the approach. It's the right one.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

higgsb said:


> Today, I checked her FB account and he sent her a friend request - but not to me. She accepted the request. I told my wife I thought it was strange he sent her a friend request but not me.
> 
> She just rolled her eyes and said she was so tired of it.
> 
> ...


So how much does a full time warden, guarding one prisoner 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, earn? 

Seems like A LOT of work, I hope the pay and benefits are worth it.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

LucasJackson said:


> Your instinct about this douche bag is spot on. Don't be passive. I'd unfriend and block his sorry butt. Good job on the approach. It's the right one.


absolutely.

what is the downside to taking a strong stand?

annoying your wife and his possibly fishin self? so what?

on the other hand if you did nothing it could (and I say could, not necessarily) evolve into an EA, eventually PA or even stalking situation. your wife has not earned benefit of doubt.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

higgsb said:


> Yes but do you think I should be concerned about this guy or am I just being hyper-vigilant?


The guy is not your business. 

Be close to your wife.

Read or watch YouTube videos by Sue Johnson about "cracking the love code", about being her source of emotional support. Become that, and I doubt you'll ever wonder about vigilance again.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

jorgegene said:


> absolutely.
> 
> what is the downside to taking a strong stand?
> 
> ...


"Passive male syndrome" brought on by the neutering of males via modern femi-nazi'ism is ending a lot of marriages.

My own recovering WW has said as much. She preferred our younger days when if a guy came sniffing around, I shut it down hard and quick. It sends a message that you're my spouse, I love you, and I won't have any interlopers sniffing around.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

So, you monitor your wife's facebook?  I guess what doesn't make sense to me is how does this build trust? Your wife accepted the friend request, so clearly she saw nothing wrong with the guy sending it. That's actually the bigger problem, than the guy sending it at all, tbh. 

But, how can you build trust if it's lacking, if you're monitoring your spouses' social media accounts? This is something I've been reading about spouses monitoring their spouses' social media, phone, etc here, in general.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> So, you monitor your wife's facebook? I guess what doesn't make sense to me is how does this build trust? Your wife accepted the friend request, so clearly she saw nothing wrong with the guy sending it. That's actually the bigger problem, than the guy sending it at all, tbh.
> 
> But, how can you build trust if it's lacking, if you're monitoring your spouses' social media accounts? This is something I've been reading about spouses monitoring their spouses' social media, phone, etc here, in general.


I monitor her accounts because she cheated and I guess it was a deal breaker. Of course, she could have other accounts I don't know about, a burner phone - who knows. I also randomly put a VAR in her car and so far nothing but maybe she found the VAR and is just being careful. Again - who knows.

I know I don't trust her. For all her excellent qualities, she'll always be a cheating **** in my book. Its her own damn fault I don't trust her.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

higgsb said:


> I monitor her accounts because she cheated and I guess it was a deal breaker. Of course, she could have other accounts I don't know about, a burner phone - who knows. I also randomly put a VAR in her car and so far nothing but maybe she found the VAR and is just being careful. Again - who knows.
> 
> I know I don't trust her. For all her excellent qualities, she'll always be a cheating **** in my book. Its her own damn fault I don't trust her.


I'm with you but to be honest there must be a path back for her or there's no point in either of you continuing the marriage. If "she'll ALWAYS be a cheating ****" in your book then what is the point? Always? If I thought this about my own WW then I'd be gone in a nanosecond.

Although there has a to be a strict path for rebuilding trust there should still be a goal of regaining trust. I'm worried that you're saying it's impossible for her to regain your trust. If that's the case, she's not going to stick around forever. To make things easy she'd probably just cheat again so you'll do all the legwork of ending it.

I agree that this douche that wants to friend her on FB but not you is a threat. I agree for you to shut that down old-school and not be a passive 2016 neutered male who sits back and watches alpha males sniff around his woman. That's all good. What I'd like to see you do, if you want to stay married to her for life, is to work with her to define a path back to trust and love for both of you.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

higgsb said:


> She just rolled her eyes and said she was so tired of it.


That shows you how remorseful she is for cheating on you previously.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

*Deidre* said:


> So, you monitor your wife's facebook?  I guess what doesn't make sense to me is how does this build trust? Your wife accepted the friend request, so clearly she saw nothing wrong with the guy sending it. That's actually the bigger problem, than the guy sending it at all, tbh.
> 
> But, how can you build trust if it's lacking, if you're monitoring your spouses' social media accounts? This is something I've been reading about spouses monitoring their spouses' social media, phone, etc here, in general.


After I discovered that my wife had cheated while we were dating, I secretly monitored her social media for a year. Seeing that there was nothing going on for a year did help rebuild my trust.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

higgsb said:


> The new house was big reason to reconcile. At 55, I want a nice house to retire to in 10 or 12 years. I think it was a good move - and it's a beautiful house that backs up to a forest. I really like it.
> 
> But yea, that's the issue. This guy has an old disabled wife with health issues and he wants to **** my wife. Will she let him? That's the real question.


How old is your wife if you are 55?


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Why in the world did you go and buy a new house with her?

That's the part I can't understand.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Steve1000 said:


> After I discovered that my wife had cheated while we were dating, I secretly monitored her social media for a year. Seeing that there was nothing going on for a year did help rebuild my trust.


Secretly, I can see, even though ugh, i wouldn't want to have to do that. But, secretly is different than the other person being aware. If the other person is aware that you're monitoring them, they know that if they screw up on social media, you can see it. So, I don't get that, but anyway. lol


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

ButtPunch said:


> Why in the world did you go and buy a new house with her?
> 
> That's the part I can't understand.


He just loves the drama.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

higgsb said:


> I monitor her accounts because she cheated and I guess it was a deal breaker. Of course, she could have other accounts I don't know about, a burner phone - who knows. I also randomly put a VAR in her car and so far nothing but maybe she found the VAR and is just being careful. Again - who knows.
> 
> I know I don't trust her. For all her excellent qualities, she'll always be a cheating **** in my book. Its her own damn fault I don't trust her.


I see. Why do you stay? You don't have to live like this, though.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

higgsb said:


> She just rolled her eyes and said she was so tired of it.
> 
> I just don't like it.
> 
> Feedback?


LACK OF REMORSE.

Your wife is a remorseless cheater who has no intention of helping you heal, accepting the fallout from her bad choices, stepping up and taking responsibility for what she did...

Oh... and she has zero respect for you.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

My wife is 43 - so 12 years younger than me and she looks good; she's very fit and does yoga, exercises. 

The house was something we have been working toward from since we were married. It just wasn't clear where we would get the house. I look at it as my retirement home. Also, no matter what, I'd like my daughters to grow up in a nice house and in a nice area with a good school.

I mean, if there are 10,000 reasons to R, why can't pratical, financial reasons like a house be one of those reasons


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

*Deidre* said:


> Secretly, I can see, even though ugh, i wouldn't want to have to do that.


Yes, it's definitely not something that I ever wanted to do and I don't wish that kind of stress on anyone.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

higgsb said:


> I mean, if there are 10,000 reasons to R, why can't pratical, financial reasons like a house be one of those reasons


You will never need to apologize to anyone for deciding to reconcile because you're the one who must deal with the decision. :smile2:


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> So, you monitor your wife's facebook?  I guess what doesn't make sense to me is how does this build trust? Your wife accepted the friend request, so clearly she saw nothing wrong with the guy sending it. That's actually the bigger problem, than the guy sending it at all, tbh.
> 
> But, how can you build trust if it's lacking, if you're monitoring your spouses' social media accounts? This is something I've been reading about spouses monitoring their spouses' social media, phone, etc here, in general.


One thing you need to get into your head, and make it a mantra before you get married some day, is that there is no such thing as privacy in marriage. Marriage is about complete openness, honesty and transparency between two people. If you have a problem with that, then you will have other problems in your marriage as well. Trust cannot be maintained without transparency. 

As part of the reconciliation process, both spouses must be equally transparent. In this case, his WW was allowing him to monitor her e-mails and internet use. Nothing wrong with that at all. Good for her. 

Where she went wrong is in her attitude towards him asking a legitimate question about what he perceived to be a red flag. Had she never cheated, I could see and understand her getting a bit upset towards his suspicion. But this woman cheated and laid waste their marriage, and Higgs graciously decided to offer her grace and has allowed her to remain married to him. Her attitude should be one of cooperation and concern for his feelings. 

She should have never accepted ANY friend request from a man without clearing it with Higgs. This woman still has no idea what boundaries are. It is clear to me that she has done little to no work on herself to make herself a safer partner for her husband.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> Secretly, I can see, even though ugh, i wouldn't want to have to do that. But, secretly is different than the other person being aware. If the other person is aware that you're monitoring them, they know that if they screw up on social media, you can see it. So, I don't get that, but anyway. lol


Actually I was given this advice both here and on SI and I've seen it given as advice frequently - total transparency with all email and social media accounts.

She has my login information as well.

But it is a point in her favor. She knows I'm looking so she won't be cheating. The only thing she (hopefully) doesn't know about is the VAR.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

higgsb said:


> My wife is 43 - so 12 years younger than me and she looks good; she's very fit and does yoga, exercises.
> 
> The house was something we have been working toward from since we were married. It just wasn't clear where we would get the house. I look at it as my retirement home. Also, no matter what, I'd like my daughters to grow up in a nice house and in a nice area with a good school.
> 
> I mean, if there are 10,000 reasons to R, why can't pratical, financial reasons like a house be one of those reasons


Everyone's reasons to R or D belong solely to them and their spouse. You'll get a lot of varied advice here. Consider whatever advice you want but in the end, do what you feel is right.

To get back on your current topic, however, you're doing right by that too. This dude is a creep. Shut him down.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

higgsb said:


> My wife is 43 - so 12 years younger than me and she looks good; she's very fit and does yoga, exercises.
> 
> The house was something we have been working toward from since we were married. It just wasn't clear where we would get the house. I look at it as my retirement home. Also, no matter what, I'd like my daughters to grow up in a nice house and in a nice area with a good school.
> 
> I mean, if there are 10,000 reasons to R, why can't pratical, financial reasons like a house be one of those reasons


You are 55 and still young enough to sell the house, split the proceeds with her and find yourself an affordable two bedroom that you can retire to. 

Yes I would say keeping a house is not a good enough reason to stay married to a woman who has zero respect for you.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

higgsb said:


> My wife is 43 - so 12 years younger than me and she looks good; she's very fit and does yoga, exercises.
> 
> The house was something we have been working toward from since we were married. It just wasn't clear where we would get the house. I look at it as my retirement home. Also, no matter what, I'd like my daughters to grow up in a nice house and in a nice area with a good school.
> 
> I mean, if there are 10,000 reasons to R, why can't pratical, financial reasons like a house be one of those reasons


I was always taught to not make major decisions during times of crisis. Your wife is a cheater and there is still a good chance you will divorce. 

Who gets the house then?


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

higgsb said:


> My wife is 43 - so 12 years younger than me and she looks good; she's very fit and does yoga, exercises.


So you are saying you can't do any better.

A big fat honest woman seems to be a much better deal to me.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> So you are saying you can't do any better.
> 
> A big fat honest woman seems to be a much better deal to me.


I have no interest in fat women.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

higgsb said:


> My wife is 43 - so 12 years younger than me and she looks good; she's very fit and does yoga, exercises.
> 
> The house was something we have been working toward from since we were married. It just wasn't clear where we would get the house. I look at it as my retirement home. Also, no matter what, I'd like my daughters to grow up in a nice house and in a nice area with a good school.
> 
> I mean, if there are 10,000 reasons to R, why can't pratical, financial reasons like a house be one of those reasons


Because you won't be truly happy. Looks like your kids, and your wife's looks are enough to cause you to overlook her lack of character. I think it's important to just be real with yourself on why you stay, and then you just have to accept it. It just saddens me to see great people on here, men and women, staying with people who honestly don't care about them and make all kinds of excuses for their wayward spouses. 

Anyway, hope things get better one way or the other.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

higgsb said:


> I have no interest in fat women.


Your wife has no respect or interest in you. 

Good luck hanging on to this sham of a marriage you got there.

I see lots of late nights listening to var's in your future.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

higgsb said:


> @weltschmerz
> My wife gave me all the login information for everything I asked for and she knows I monitor her account. It could be innocent on her part. I mean, is she going to decline the new neighbors friend request after he threw us a party?


Yes. She knows the issues in your marriage, why even lead up to the eye rolling and complaining? 

Still, go ahead and excuse her actions under the guise of being polite.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

R only works if both parties are committed completely too it...sounds like you are...not sure about her, she is acting more like a animal on a short leash the minute the chain is broken she will be looking for a new master. so let me ask you...is she 100% committed to you and this marriage?


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> LACK OF REMORSE.
> 
> Your wife is a remorseless cheater who has no intention of helping you heal, accepting the fallout from her bad choices, stepping up and taking responsibility for what she did...
> 
> Oh... and she has zero respect for you.


This^^^

OP, this is what my XWW did too. She just wanted me to just forget what she did and move on with no consequences for her actions. She felt no remorse and secretly had no intention of being faithful in the future or at the very least, honest and transparent. She would not even quit Fakebook or share her passwords. This was her main form of communication with posOM. 

Your situation is essentially the same. Hopefully, you will get to a point where you refuse to live like that anymore. It will make you old and suck the life out of you. I finally came to me senses, divorced her cheating, lying ass and moved on. It sucked financially but it was worth it for peace of mind.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

higgsb said:


> I monitor her accounts because she cheated and I guess it was a deal breaker. Of course, she could have other accounts I don't know about, a burner phone - who knows. I also randomly put a VAR in her car and so far nothing but maybe she found the VAR and is just being careful. Again - who knows.


I wonder when it stops. Do you just plan on being Magnum PI for the rest of your life? Must be EXHAUSTING, listening to VARs, reading her accounts, and chasing all these people away.

If only she could lift a finger without your intervention. But alas, without you all these men are ready to pounce her helpless submissive body. What a tragedy!



higgsb said:


> I know I don't trust her. For all her excellent qualities, she'll always be a cheating **** in my book.


Excellent qualities like looking good in yoga pants? Her OM(s) agree completely. 



higgsb said:


> Its her own damn fault I don't trust her.


So when do you take accountability for continuing to perpetuate a relationship with a remorseless cheater?

Or do you accept that you are in an open relationship and your wife is a timeshare?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

LucasJackson said:


> I agree for you to shut that down old-school and not be a passive 2016 neutered male who sits back and watches alpha males sniff around his woman.


Alphas don't mate guard cheating women...

They replace them quickly with hotter loyal ones.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You're more upset about some neighbor friending your wife on Facebook than you were about your wife miscarrying your child. Really?


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> Alphas don't mate guard cheating women...
> 
> They replace them quickly with hotter loyal ones.


Not true. Go to a bar and hit on the wife of an alpha male in front of him. Alpha males shut down other males quickly and sometimes very violently. That goes all the way back to primal human beings. Back then the alpha males just killed weaker threats. If the threat was stronger and killed primary mate then they became the primary mate.

We've "evolved" over the years but truth be told, it's still the caveman days. People are people. There are some males always on the prowl. They get shut down quick by alpha males. With beta males, they usually end up sleeping with their mates.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

LucasJackson said:


> Not true. Go to a bar and hit on the wife of an alpha male in front of him. Alpha males shut down other males quickly and sometimes very violently. That goes all the way back to primal human beings. Back then the alpha males just killed weaker threats. If the threat was stronger and killed primary mate then they became the primary mate.


Just no. 

No one wastes their time hitting on an alpha's girl because she wouldn't even give him the time of day. 

Weak insecure men have to mate guard their wife's for fear of getting replaced because they are "second tier" or beta. 

If you are truly "alpha", you are defacto the top dog and therefore there is no one better to replace you with.

You find a woman that puts YOU on a pedestal, not the other way around unless you want to be in bar fights the rest of your life.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

That's true...everyone wants to bone me...its hard, but I can handle it...well...that's what she said. >




LucasJackson said:


> You think nothing of it because you ladies never see it coming. You do the "oh, he's just a nice guy." "He's a friend that I have some things in common with, it's not like that." "He's like a brother to me." "Don't be gross, we're just friends."
> 
> It's as old as Moses. You guys never see it coming. Those male "friends" of yours? Every single one of them wants to bone you. The first time you would give any indication whatsoever, and however subtle, that you'd be open to that, then they'll start driving hard to the hoop. Until then, they bide their time being a good "friend" to you.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

higgsb said:


> Yes but do you think I should be concerned about this guy or am I just being hyper-vigilant?


The guy doesn't matter. Plenty of dudes out there that would p*rk your wife. You should be concerned she accepted then she rolled her eyes at you.

But I guess you're used to that. So enjoy the drama.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

Spicy said:


> That's true...everyone wants to bone me...its hard, but I can handle it...well...that's what she said. >


Boobs, a hole, and a heartbeat and every man alive, even the pope, wants to bone you. If you also happen to be attractive that ups the degree to which they want to bone you. BTW, a heartbeat isn't even a firm requirement of all men. Dudes are quite a bunch. That's why other dudes know there is no such thing as an innocent dude. I'm not saying they would all actually go through with boning you. A large % of the married ones would want to but would not do it and just use it as a fantasy later with their wives or during one of their many self-love instances. There is still a very significant % of married dudes, however, where going through with it would not be a problem for them at all.

I love my wife and would take a bullet for her without hesitation but I have to be honest. When I first met her I just wanted in her pants. Love came later.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> Just no.
> 
> No one wastes their time hitting on an alpha's girl because she wouldn't even give him the time of day.
> 
> ...


Not true. 

You can hit on an alpha's girl, he might be watching but that's all you might get, a flirt and conversation. He might be in that same bar hitting up another girl, but they both know they are going home which each other at the end of the night.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> Just no.
> 
> No one wastes their time hitting on an alpha's girl because she wouldn't even give him the time of day.
> 
> ...


Men who sit back passively get cheated on. I learned that the hard way. BTW, you can be put on a pedestal by a cheating spouse. The two things are not mutually exclusive. Life isn't black and white.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

BetrayedDad said:


> Just no.
> 
> No one wastes their time hitting on an alpha's girl because she wouldn't even give him the time of day.
> 
> ...


True this^^^

A true Alpha only uses violence in response to violence...to protect himself or his girl. He doesn't feel the need to guard his mate. He will not waste his time or energy. A PUA can hit on an Alphas woman all day but will never get anywhere if she respects and values her man. If she is weak or flawed enough to fall for some clowns line of sh1t, a true Alpha simply dumps her ass and moves on.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

BobSimmons said:


> Not true.
> 
> You can hit on an alpha's girl, he might be watching but that's all you might get, a flirt and conversation. He might be in that same bar hitting up another girl, but they both know they are going home which each other at the end of the night.


Well I'm not sure we are disagreeing. 

Like I said he isn't mate guarding her and the beta hitting on her is wasting his time. Though he may not realize it at the time if it's a hypothetical "bar situation" and he's unaware.



LucasJackson said:


> Men who sit back passively get cheated on. I learned that the hard way. BTW, you can be put on a pedestal by a cheating spouse. The two things are not mutually exclusive. Life isn't black and white.


Men who stay with cheaters get cheated on. You DO understand that their are women out there who will NEVER cheat on you and that you don't have to mate guard right? I hope so.... 

And do you REALLY think you were on some kind of pedestal while your wife was sleeping with various men? Wow, I'd hate to see what she's like when she's mad at you.... 

No life's not black and white but for some it's 50 shades of gray. Those are the types you want to avoid.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> No life's not black and white but for some it's 50 shades of gray. Those are the types you want to avoid.


HA....This made me laugh!


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

higgsb said:


> I monitor her accounts because she cheated and I guess it was a deal breaker. Of course, she could have other accounts I don't know about, a burner phone - who knows. *I also randomly put a VAR in her car and so far nothing but maybe she found the VAR and is just being careful.* Again - who knows.
> 
> I know I don't trust her. For all her excellent qualities, she'll always be a cheating **** in my book. Its her own damn fault I don't trust her.


You are effed (F'd?) 

What's the point? Keep your friends close and your enemies (your wife) closer?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I’ve always dated alpha types, and my current bf is alpha, and he does shut guys down quickly, if he’s around to witness a guy hitting on me. But, if he’s not around, I’m more than capable of shutting men down if I’m out with friends and a guy is hitting on me. Accepting a random guy’s FB request is the same as accepting his flirting, especially if the guy is married and only sends the FB request to you and not your S.O. Mistakes happen, but some of you sound like you’re married to straight up narcissistic jerks, and they are not capable of change. They should be shown the door, but here’s the thing. If you don’t feel good about yourself, and you are seeking validation from your partner, that is probably why you tolerate being cheated on, and why your partners don’t respect you. If you want respect, then you need to respect yourself, first. Some people make mistakes, but some of you allow too many ‘’mistakes’’ and that’s on you, because you don’t respect yourself. Just being real.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

higgsb said:


> I monitor her accounts because she cheated and I guess it was a deal breaker. Of course, she could have other accounts I don't know about, a burner phone - who knows. I also randomly put a VAR in her car and so far nothing but maybe she found the VAR and is just being careful. Again - who knows.
> 
> I know I don't trust her. For all her excellent qualities, she'll always be a cheating **** in my book. Its her own damn fault I don't trust her.


Why are you staying in a marriage that is nothing but a joke to both you and her???? And please don't say the house. With her history, buying a house together was the height of folly. You have reason not to trust her but you add to the marital property? What am I missing?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

higgsb said:


> So my wife cheated on me before and I could be hyper vigilant but I have to ask opinions on this.
> 
> We just moved into a new house and some neighbors threw a welcome to the neighborhood party for us. At the party, there was one guy whose wife was disabled and looked really old and not very attractive. She has health issues.
> 
> ...


She's tired of it? Tough sh-t. Not a response from a truly remorseful cheater
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

higgsb said:


> I monitor her accounts because she cheated and I guess it was a deal breaker. Of course, she could have other accounts I don't know about, a burner phone - who knows. I also randomly put a VAR in her car and so far nothing but maybe she found the VAR and is just being careful. Again - who knows.
> 
> *I know I don't trust her. For all her excellent qualities, she'll always be a cheating **** in my book. Its her own damn fault I don't trust her.*


Then maybe it's time to call it...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weltschmerz (Feb 18, 2016)

BobSimmons said:


> Not true.
> 
> You can hit on an alpha's girl, he might be watching but that's all you might get, a flirt and conversation. He might be in that same bar hitting up another girl, but they both know they are going home which each other at the end of the night.


Fat chance.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

higgsb said:


> I have no interest in fat women.


There are women of all shapes sizes and colors. Most of them aren't remorseless cheaters.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

higgsb said:


> I have no interest in fat women.


Hey...

I've dated a few "curvy" women. You don't know what you're missing pal. They are rockin' banshees in bed.


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

Why do these talks always end up in this whole "alpha" male crap? If a grown man is fighting another grown man in a bar over a woman, they are just a bunch of idiots who are going to jail. Seriously, who fights in a bar? You can't out alpha a knife, club, bottle, or gun. That's just ridiculous. I'm gonna get flack for this, but if you are a grown man fighting over a woman in a bar because some guy looked at, talked to or even made a move while you were in the bathroom, then you are Jerry Springer material and your relationship is too.

Secondly, mild mannered men have perfectly faithful wives. They are NOT pilfered off by big di*cked "Alpha's". Seriously, women have brains, intelligence, character, and all of that. This is not some "Charles Atlas cartoon" world. (old timers will remember him for his cartoon of the skinny guy who gets sand kicked in his face until he buys the Charles Atlas work out program). Still, this idea of women being smitten by alphas is laughable. Cheaters cheat. 

As to the OP claiming that his house is the reason for staying and what is wrong with that question. My reply is simple, don't go into business with someone that you can't trust. Why buy a house with someone that you know will stab you in the back? Why remain in business when in the end they can leave and try to take more of your assets? If spending the remaining years of your life with someone you can't trust and sound like you can barely stand because you don't want to lose some equity is how you want to do it, that is fine by me. (Not that you needed my approval) It makes absolutely no sense to me. Happiness is not a house. And having a 43 year old yoga enthusiast for a wife is little consolation if she's banging other dudes. They get the goods and you pay the freight.

Finally, big girls are just fine. If you don't like them, that's cool. I like women. Big, tall, big and tall, shapely, as long as her body does not remind me of a man, family member, or a child she was fair game.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

If you have access to her FB account go in and send a nice little message to F off, delete him and then block him. So he throws the two of you a nice party and that give him the right to go after your wife? Stop playing mister nice guy and ask around to see if the azz has done this to other wives.


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

I'm not privy to the backstory, but I'd find it odd as well. The fact that she is so dismissive (read: insensitive) after being the one who cheated is a huge red flag.

If I didn't know better (and I don't), I'd say she is going to cheat again when you are overseas. I would put money on it, actually. She doesn't seem to care about your feelings at all.

But I don't know the backstory, so I don't understand why you are even still married to this person.

Sent from my LG-H810 using Tapatalk


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

higgsb said:


> I monitor her accounts because she cheated and* I guess it was a deal breaker*. Of course, she could have other accounts I don't know about, a burner phone - who knows. I also randomly put a VAR in her car and so far nothing but maybe she found the VAR and is just being careful. Again - who knows.
> 
> I know I don't trust her. For all her excellent qualities, *she'll always be a cheating **** in my book*. Its her own damn fault I don't trust her.


I do not believe that you understand the term deal breaker nor reconciliation.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

higgsb,

You WW seems like she is very unwilling to change the behaviors which lead to her affairs and to make you feel safe in your relationship again. Perhaps it has something to do with the violent reaction some Asians have to admitting fault, so to changer her behavior would be a indirect admission she was wrong before.

Tamat


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

higgsb said:


> I mean, if there are 10,000 reasons to R, why can't pratical, financial reasons like a house be one of those reasons


I expect 80-90% reconcile at least in part because of finances. Unless you have a good bit of financial resources, buying a house while you're trying to clear the train wreck you're trying to recover from is a road to major financial hurt if things go south. You've got to know your plans for retirement in the house is a great risk in your situation. 
In your other post, I got the impression part of your desire to work offshore was to get away for her and the situation here. Whatju think its going to be like retired and spending 24/7 with this woman.
You'd been better of taking the money you spent for the house and rode down the road throwing half of it out the window. When you got done, you'd at least had half the money left.
Besides, your story is getting out there pretty good my man.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Finally, big girls are just fine. If you don't like them, that's cool. I like women. Big, tall, big and tall, shapely, as long as her body does not remind me of a man, family member, or a child she was fair game.


I've always preferred the shapely, hour glass, nice round butt type girls. I'll leave the skinny, small breasted, narrow butt girls to guys who like them. From my experience, you need to have a good match between the horse and the saddle.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

You say that you’ll always find your wife a cheating wh*re. Do you honestly think it’s fair to stay with her if that’s how you view her? And always will? Don’t get me wrong, I feel like a cheating wh*re myself, and at some point – all WW’s are cheating wh*re’s. If we weren’t, we wouldn’t have done what we did. BUT, why are you staying with someone you view that way? 

My husband had a 10 year EA. I don’t look at him as a cheating bastard. He’s a person who made a HUGE bad choice, he hurt me terribly and I hate that he did it. But if all I saw when I looked at him was “cheating bastard” – that isn’t reconciliation. That’s staying together and allowing resentment to breed.

If you are referring to your wife as a cheating wh*re on this forum – how do you treat her in person? I’m not saying there’s much of an excuse for her response of rolling her eyes and saying she’s tired of it, but I do have to question how you are treating her? If you’re referring to her as a wh*re here, you had zero sympathy/empathy for her when she miscarried your child….I kind of have to wonder how cold or angry you are to her on a daily basis. Maybe the eye rolling and “I’m tired of it” is because you are continually punishing her day after day, relating everything to her affair, calling her a wh*re, etc. Are you being verbally abusive to her and excusing that as “she cheated so she deserves it?” I fully believe the WS needs to be remorseful, repentant, and put up with 99% of the anger, hurt and pain that comes their way. They need to earn their way back into trust, affection, love. YES. BUT, they also don’t deserve to be made to feel as less than human, scum, etc. IF you’ve decided to reconcile. 

Maybe her comment was more out of frustration of the way you’re treating her/talking to her, etc. I don’t think ANY WS should have to deal with abuse just to be given the gift of reconciliation. She doesn’t deserve to be put on a pedestal, of course not, but she should at the very least be treated like a human being. The acceptance of the friend request was wrong – unless she discussed it with you. The reaction was wrong as well, but I’m wondering if the “I’m tired of it” goes deeper than just this one instance?


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> I expect 80-90% reconcile at least in part because of finances. Unless you have a good bit of financial resources, buying a house while you're trying to clear the train wreck you're trying to recover from is a road to major financial hurt if things go south. You've got to know your plans for retirement in the house is a great risk in your situation.


The house is also for my 6 and 8 year old daughters and they love it. They spent the past 4 years living in a 2BR apartment on the edge of the hood and now they live a safe neighborhood and in a large 4BR house that backs up against the woods. The **** and I put that whole deal together and I'm glad we made it happen.

Also, I get this warning that I'll "lose everything" when things go south. Unless I'm misreading the divorce laws, I'll get half of everything. I'm a teacher and my wife is a nurse - there is no reason why my wife would get everything. At worst, the house is just a holding position for my money and at best its a retirement home.

Finally, my wife had this huge down payment in cash - like $100,000 - and for various reasons, it was all in her account. I can't tell you how many sleepless nights I had worrying she would take the money and run. The way I see it, I have her locked down in a 30 year mortgage and she aint going anywhere without my permission.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Did you ever get your colonoscopy? See your other thread. Lots of recent activity there. One poster was even hijacking your thread.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Buying a house nothing to do with trust....you have yet to explain how your wife is doing any heavy lifting in demostrating remorse from her actions...i'm not sure who is rug sweeping her actions you or her.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

I never did get the colonoscopy.
The intrusiveness of it worries me and the procedure does lead occasionally to issues. I'm going to request this new test where you just hand over some poop and they test that.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> Buying a house nothing to do with trust....you have yet to explain how your wife is doing any heavy lifting in demostrating remorse from her actions...i'm not sure who is rug sweeping her actions you or her.


I agree the house is not about trust - it is an asset that can be divided if need be. My hope is that in a few years my wife will be menapausal and I won't be worried all the time about what she is up to. Again, not so much trust as much as an older and more sensible woman with a lower sex drive.

My wife has done zero heavy lifting. She doesn't think she did anything wrong; she says she made a mistake. The only concrete thing she did was give me login information for her FB, skype, gmail and hotmail as well as access to her phone. Just getting that was a real battle.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

higgsb said:


> I never did get the colonoscopy.
> The intrusiveness of it worries me and the procedure does lead occasionally to issues. I'm going to request this new test where you just hand over some poop and they test that.


The poop test is better than nothing but not a good substitute. 

Colon cancer leads to issues too.

You are worried more about FB requests than your health. Well it will be ironic when you die from colon cancer, and your wife is living in your new house blanking the guy that friended her on FB.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> You are worried more about FB requests than your health. Well it will be ironic when you die from colon cancer, and your wife is living in your new house blanking the guy that friended her on FB.


That would suck but then again I'd be dead and not worried about it.
Its true though - this past 15 months has been mostly about me obsessed with what my **** wife did and what she might do.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

higgsb said:


> That would suck but then again I'd be dead and not worried about it.


Best post I read all month. :smile2:


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I didn't read all of the posts. Did he respond to your FB friend request?


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> I didn't read all of the posts. Did he respond to your FB friend request?


Yes, he accepted my friend request. 

My wife had some bull**** theory about why he had only firended her and who really knows. The thing is, the instant he walked into the room I was on edge. He looks fit and young but his wife looks really old, walks with a cane and has some obvious health issues. He doted on his wife the entire time so he seems like a decent guy but when pictures of couples were being taken, I noticed that he had his picture taken with someone other than his wife.

Of course I'm just reading into this more than I should be.

No one really knows what he was up to unless they can read minds.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

higgsb said:


> Yes, he accepted my friend request.
> 
> My wife had some bull**** theory about why he had only firended her and who really knows. The thing is, the instant he walked into the room I was on edge. He looks fit and young but his wife looks really old, walks with a cane and has some obvious health issues. He doted on his wife the entire time so he seems like a decent guy but when pictures of couples were being taken, I noticed that he had his picture taken with someone other than his wife.
> 
> ...


Listen, you are worried about the wrong thing. If your wife wants to bang another guy, she will have no problem finding an almost unlimited number of them to comply. Within 10 minutes. Focusing on just one is a waste of your time.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

higgsb said:


> Finally, my wife had this huge down payment in cash - like $100,000 - and for various reasons, it was all in her account.


Now I know what you meant by reconciling for financial reasons. She's underwriting the new home purchase. 
If ya'll got divorced and she got engaged to another, you'd be busted flat with a one room apartment and she would become the new guys financier....errrr sorry, his fiancee.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> Now I know what you meant by reconciling for financial reasons. She's underwriting the new home purchase.


Not at all true. It took both of us working and sacrificing close to 10 years to get that together. I contributed the lion's share. She's not underwriting anything. 



> If ya'll got divorced and she got engaged to another, you'd be busted flat with a one room apartment and she would become the new guys financier....errrr sorry, his fiancee.


I disagree based on what I was told by a lawyer. Given how similar our salaries are, there is no reason assets wouldn't be split close to 50-50 and no reason for her to get spousal support. I would pay child support, possibly insurance and that's it. My daughters will be 7 and 9 next year and they can catch the school bus on their own. They already do actually.

I'm just wondering about this same "she'll get everything" comment that keeps popping.

No, the woman does not get everything in a divorce.

However, as long as she had the money as cash in the bank, there was be nothing I could to protect myself.


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

I just posted this in another forum, seems fitting here.

"This is simple...People will fight and stay with a wayward because its what they know and are comfortable with. Most people ( I say most not all) fear change of any type so they will put on blinders to stay in something they know.

I was one of those people. I knew my X was no good, I knew she was cheating, I turned the other cheek and carried on as if nothing was going on because I was comfortable in my situation (most of it). Its when you wake up and find your self worth that you can finally face that fear and push through. 

Had my X not have left to pursue her new man I would have continued on like this. I thank god everyday that she did and forced this issue. I have lived through it and come out better on the other end. I owe this to her ( I have thanked her for it)

I know for certain I will never allow this to happen again....Once you have been through it and have proven to yourself all will be ok, its much easier to stop it from happening again. 

I fear most posters wont be able to understand this until they live it.... "


bottom line, you feel lucky to be with her because shes good looking. She knows it and is taking advantage of you.

Once you find self worth, you will attract girls 10x better looking and that actually have character. until then you will relive above.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

higgsb said:


> So my wife cheated on me before and I could be hyper vigilant but I have to ask opinions on this.
> 
> We just moved into a new house and some neighbors threw a welcome to the neighborhood party for us. At the party, there was one guy whose wife was disabled and looked really old and not very attractive. She has health issues.
> 
> ...


Let' see....the neighbor actively seeks out your W on F-ugbook and asks to friend. You on the other hand get no mention. Yes, neighbor is fishing and it ain't for a cup of flour for baking. Sorry if you W is tired of you voicing your concern in some matters. She earned that past history. 

Send a friend request to the neighbor. Offer up some flour if he needs it. Sugar is not available at your house.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

higgsb said:


> I mean, is she going to decline the new neighbors friend request after he threw us a party?
> 
> .


Yes. He is a neighbor. Not a friend. I have no idea why anyone would friend a f'in neighbor on FB.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> Yes. He is a neighbor. Not a friend. I have no idea why anyone would friend a f'in neighbor on FB.


We’re both friends with both of our neighbors on facebook – the neighbors on the left side. The guy on the right size is in his 80’s and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have a facebook. 

But anyway, the neighbors on the left side were a couple. My husband and I both friend requested the male before we requested his wife. But the male was incredibly friendly from the day we moved in. He’s just one of those chatty guys that you end up standing outside and talking to for an hour every time you see him. If he’d see J outside shoveling mulch, he’d come over and grab a shovel and help. When he needed some help laying some landscaping rocks, he came over, knocked on the door and asked J to help. One time, the 4 of us carried a trampoline down the road together that he’d bought at a garage sale down the street. Neither of us requested the wife until sometime later because she’s quiet, and not very talkative or friendly. We’d try to talk to her, but she was just not really engaged. But her husband? We became fast friends with him. We’d watch their dogs when they went out of town, our kids played together, he’d come over and sit by the pool and have a few drinks with us and talk. We later friended the wife just out of general purpose of not wanting her to feel left out, even though she was very hard to actually become friendly with.

Unfortunately, they got divorced and the husband moved out. My husband and I have BOTH agreed that we wish he would’ve been the one to keep the house. But he still stops by every now and again and knocks on the door and we go out and chat. 

I went out and chatted with the wife last night for a little bit. She had seen on facebook that we’d gotten a great dane puppy, she commented that she’d always wanted one so I took the pup over to see her. In the meantime, I got to meet her new boyfriend because he was there. Seems to be as friendly as the ex husband was. STILL more friendly than the wife! If he ends up moving in, my husband and I would probably both become facebook friends with him. Seems like a decent guy and friendships with neighbors can be a great thing! Since she’s now a single mom of two and works a lot, J goes over and mows her lawn for her sometimes and has also blown her leaves once or twice. 

It’s not totally outrageous to be facebook friends with your neighbors.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

LosingHim said:


> We’re both friends with both of our neighbors on facebook – the neighbors on the left side. The guy on the right size is in his 80’s and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have a facebook.
> 
> But anyway, the neighbors on the left side were a couple. My husband and I both friend requested the male before we requested his wife. But the male was incredibly friendly from the day we moved in. He’s just one of those chatty guys that you end up standing outside and talking to for an hour every time you see him. If he’d see J outside shoveling mulch, he’d come over and grab a shovel and help. When he needed some help laying some landscaping rocks, he came over, knocked on the door and asked J to help. One time, the 4 of us carried a trampoline down the road together that he’d bought at a garage sale down the street. Neither of us requested the wife until sometime later because she’s quiet, and not very talkative or friendly. We’d try to talk to her, but she was just not really engaged. But her husband? We became fast friends with him. We’d watch their dogs when they went out of town, our kids played together, he’d come over and sit by the pool and have a few drinks with us and talk. We later friended the wife just out of general purpose of not wanting her to feel left out, even though she was very hard to actually become friendly with.
> 
> ...


I did not say it was outrageous. I don't see the point when you can talk over the fence, knock on the door and chit chat over coffee. Further, ,my W and I have email communication with our neighbors. There is no reason for my neighbors to see pictures of a family outing posted on my FB page. Personally I find it awkward if the neighbors W only attempted to friend me and both me and my W.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

VladDracul said:


> Now I know what you meant by reconciling for financial reasons. She's underwriting the new home purchase.
> If ya'll got divorced and she got engaged to another, you'd be busted flat with a one room apartment and she would become the new guys financier....errrr sorry, his fiancee.


If they divorced, half of that $100,000 would have been his as it is a marital asset. It does not matter whose name is on the account.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

@higgsb 

I have the perfect Halloween costume for you guys since we're only two months away.

Your wife can wear an orange jumpsuit and you can dress up as a prison warden. 

If you're going to live a life of misery and resentment, a splash of humor goes a long way.


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

Let's flash forward into the future: Your kids say, "boy, we'd sure be some messed up folks with no understanding on how to be involved in a good relationship based on how our parents were, but THANK GOODNESS we grew up in a beautiful house that we loved. It taught us all that we needed to know, shielded us from all of the bad, and was just a miracle house. Thanks dad for recognizing that the HOUSE was the best thing for us." That conversation will never happen. Your reasoning is just wrong on that point.

Also, I've noticed these FB comments, I have to say, I disagree. I am FB friends with women that are single and married. I knew them in college or professionally, so I don't know their husbands, thus it would make no sense to become friends with them. My wife knows them, but is not FB friends with them. My wife has FB friends that are males that we know and some we don't and they are not my FB friends.

I guess that in the end, it turns on whatever boundaries that one erects in one's marriage. I can tell you, when my wife and I meet those "odd" couples (our phrase) where they act like the other can't talk to an opposite sex friend in real life, we cut them off. If some couple is acting like one of us is trying to hook up with their spouse, eyeballing us when we talk and constantly marking territory, we chalk them up as "insecure, controlling and crazy". WE don't invite them anywhere, don't do anything with them, they become non entities. 

Our thoughts are that jealousy and insecurity cause far more problems than actually exist and we don't associate with them. Interestingly, the vast majority of couples that we knew like that ended up divorced. To my knowledge, not a single one divorced because of infidelity.

I guess my point in saying this is that WE trust each other. If you don't trust her, can't trust her, or she's just not trustworthy, then cut your losses and move on. If you think that a piece of real estate is going to make your kids well adjusted adults when the goings on inside the home and the interaction is so dysfunctional, then you have absolutely no grasp on reality.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> If they divorced, half of that $100,000 would have been his as it is a marital asset. It does not matter whose name is on the account.


It depends on the source of the funds. If she received it from an inheritance, personal gift, or settlement of some law suits for example, he would likely not be entitled to half as a marital asset. Since Higgsb said it an accumulation of what both but mainly he earned, it would be marital assets.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

higgsb said:


> The new house was big reason to reconcile. At 55, I want a nice house to retire to in 10 or 12 years. I think it was a good move - and it's a beautiful house that backs up to a forest. I really like it.
> 
> But yea, that's the issue. This guy has an old disabled wife with health issues and he wants to **** my wife. *Will she let him?* That's the real question.


Hahaha sheesh. Really man? Will she let him?

I'm out.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I'm a pretty frequent FB user and accept requests if someone I know sends one. They don't need to be a "friend" as long as I know them IRL and aren't annoying ,etc. I've also sent requests to women who are moms of my kids friends, or someone we know as a couple or whatever. It's not a big deal.

I also know plenty of people who send requests to neighbors, acquaintances, what have you. Him sending a request to her is not weird to me at all, nor would be to most people I know. Some use it for neighborhood pages, etc. 

But it is a bit weird he didn't sent one to you, after having met you as well and you have a FB presence. If I ever send a request to a woman and I've met the husband I will also send one to him if he's on there.

Why do you think this man wants to bang your wife? Is it just the FB thing?

FB is not your problem, OP, not even close.

Your problem is that your wife cheated, she shows no remorse, you don't trust her, and next year you are going to embark on a job that takes you far away from her for a long time. The likelihood of her cheating on you again is astronomically high. Why would you hang onto this? And if so, why look to take a job overseas? You are setting yourself up for a miserable married existence.


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

She is about to cheat again....


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

higgsb said:


> Not at all true. It took both of us working and sacrificing close to 10 years to get that together. I contributed the lion's share. She's not underwriting anything.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Why wouldn't you want custody of your children?

Sent from my LG-H810 using Tapatalk


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

LosingHim said:


> We’re both friends with both of our neighbors on facebook – the neighbors on the left side. The guy on the right size is in his 80’s and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have a facebook.
> 
> But anyway, the neighbors on the left side were a couple. My husband and I both friend requested the male before we requested his wife. But the male was incredibly friendly from the day we moved in. He’s just one of those chatty guys that you end up standing outside and talking to for an hour every time you see him. If he’d see J outside shoveling mulch, he’d come over and grab a shovel and help. When he needed some help laying some landscaping rocks, he came over, knocked on the door and asked J to help. One time, the 4 of us carried a trampoline down the road together that he’d bought at a garage sale down the street. Neither of us requested the wife until sometime later because she’s quiet, and not very talkative or friendly. We’d try to talk to her, but she was just not really engaged. But her husband? We became fast friends with him. We’d watch their dogs when they went out of town, our kids played together, he’d come over and sit by the pool and have a few drinks with us and talk. We later friended the wife just out of general purpose of not wanting her to feel left out, even though she was very hard to actually become friendly with.
> 
> ...



That part about watching their dogs when they went out of town is why we maintain cordial relationships with neighbors but nothing more.
:grin2:


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

LucasJackson said:


> That part about watching their dogs when they went out of town is why we maintain cordial relationships with neighbors but nothing more.
> :grin2:


Lol well we have 3 dogs so sometimes we need the favor returned!! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

LucasJackson said:


> Boobs, a hole, and a heartbeat and every man alive, even the pope, wants to bone you. ~~
> 
> I love my wife and would take a bullet for her without hesitation but I have to be honest. When I first met her I just wanted in her pants. Love came later.


LOL! I think that *IS ALL MEN*... Sex first, and maybe love later. Until there *IS* sex, the only thing a guy will be thinking about is *Will she let me stick it in her?*. After that, then ladies can work on the HEART part.

First night I meet my wife, we had sex hours after we meet with no expectations of any much more than a few months of fun.

Sometimes you can get into a woman's panties by simply asking too. I've done it twice, a few minutes of talking... then sex. One woman, was "I next had sex with a XYZ race before" so she said "okay, lets do it" - and I did...


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