# BS Fog



## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

All,

In another thread, someone made a very bold statement that was new to me.



carpenoctem said:


> Plus, we all know there is a BS fog too.


Now, I've seen lots on the fog that the WS goes through, which [from the material I've seen] basically distills down to:

Love the AP and see no flaws where they see only the flaws in their spouse
Denial of the hurt that they have caused
Rationalizing or justifying the A against a bad marriage, etc, etc

But what is this BS fog that everybody else knows about?

I've never come across this on TAM before (granted, I have not read every thread) and, while I agree that the BS goes through a myriad of emotions, I'm curious to know if there is a shared understanding of what this BS fog is.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Thinking that their cheating spouse is so unlike any other cheater.

Shooting down any sound advice.

Expecting some magic to take their spouse out of affair. MC, reading self-help book, doing dishes more, giving their WS foot massage etc.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Many posts start out with taking the blame in the beginning of the post:

*"I have not been the perfect/ideal husband/wife."*

Who the frack is the perfect husband/wife? 

Meaning: If I was the perfect husband/wife, my spouse wouldn't be cheating on me.


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

What about the self-esteem parts:


taking too much responsibility for the A
trying too hard to make up for their perceived responsibility for the A

[edit]oops, lordmayhem beat me to it[/edit]

What about the denial on the anger side? 


abusive, disinterested or controlling BS unable to accept their own contribution to the breakdown of the marriage
self victimizing / wallowing

These are also denials but do they also fall under the BS fog category or do these fall under something else?

Note: I'm sure some people will see this as an attempt, on my part, to criticize BS'; it's not. I've seen clear examples of both of the above. I'm not using the above to justify an A; just describing the process of denial that I've seen, personally, other BS' go through.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Denial.

A BS who takes the trouble to google infidelity, register for the forum, post a story with a bunch of red flags, including catching their spouse in lies, yet they choose to believe whatever first preposterous thing comes out of their spouse's mouth. They also believe that exposure is for a bitter person out for angry revenge, and filing for D means the marriage is over. They'll threaten D plenty, but gosh no they won't file.

Of course, the vast majority of BSs were there too, so really we can't cast stones. Just yell hopelessly from the sidelines
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

The vast majority of us have been in the fog of denial, myself included. That's why we have the urge to prevent people from making the same mistakes.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Another component of the BS fog besides denial, is fear. Fear that the marriage is over, fear that any action they take will drive the WS to their AP.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

I believed that if she leaves me, my life would crumble down.

I lacked everything required for a successful marriage.

I did not do things that would keep her happy.

I am the lousiest husband and other husbands are all over me.


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## iJordan (May 8, 2012)

It's a post-affair confirmation bias. I wouldn't call it a 'bold' statement.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TCx said:


> All,
> 
> In another thread, someone made a very bold statement that was new to me.
> 
> ...


Here it is: "My wife/husband loves me. Surely, they'd never cheat on me? Don't they know I'd lay my life down for them?"

Yep. They know that. And they'd use your body as a stepping stone to their lover...


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Another component of the BS fog besides denial, is fear. Fear that the marriage is over, fear that any action they take will drive the WS to their AP.


Ah, I hadn't thought of that. Thanks.


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

iJordan said:


> It's a post-affair confirmation bias. I wouldn't call it a 'bold' statement.


I only call it bold because it supposes that everyone knows about it.


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Here it is: "My wife/husband loves me. Surely, they'd never cheat on me? Don't they know I'd lay my life down for them?"


Okay, I see this part...



MattMatt said:


> Yep. They know that. And they'd use your body as a stepping stone to their lover...


Seriously?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

What about wanting to believe obvious lies even when WS has proven to be a patological lier? Even after multiple false R, tons of TT...
From wikipedia--->Deception
* Truth bias*
The truth bias significantly impairs the ability of relational partners to detect deception. In term of deception, a truth bias reflects a tendency to judge more messages as truths than lies, independent of their actual veracity. When judging message veracity, the truth bias contributes to an overestimate of the actual number of truths relative to the base rate of actual truths. The truth bias is especially strong within close relationships. People are highly inclined to trust the communications of others and are unlikely to question the relational partner unless faced with a major deviation of behavior that forces a reevaluation. When attempting to detect deceit from a familiar person or relational partner, a large amount of information about the partner is brought to mind. This information essentially overwhelms the receiver's cognitive ability to detect and process any cues to deception. It is somewhat easier to detect deception in strangers, when less information about that person is brought to min.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TCx said:


> Okay, I see this part...
> 
> 
> 
> Seriously?


Well, maybe not seriously.


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## jay80_98 (Jul 14, 2012)

Love is a fog


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Life is a fog.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

snap said:


> Thinking that their cheating spouse is so unlike any other cheater.
> 
> Shooting down any sound advice.


The first statement is the one I think we never wrap our minds around. We chose our spouse because they were unique and exceptional. Hard to reconcile when you are faced with the ordinariness and tedium of infidelity.

The second, well . . . what can any of us say?


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

I think that the main component in a BS fog seems to be that how the BS feels about their WS actually affects the WS.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Life is a fog.


mist is a fog.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> *Life is a fog*.




yeah.
philosophically, as they say,
*Life itself is a Sexually Transmitted Disease.*


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

anonim said:


> I think that the main component in a BS fog seems to be that how the BS feels about their WS actually affects the WS.


Can you explain this a bit more? I'm not sure I've gotten the right message.

Are you saying that the BS thought that their opinion of the WS should affect the WS and it doesn't?

Or are you saying that the BS can't believe how much their opinion of the WS affects the WS?

Or neither?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

snap said:


> Thinking that their cheating spouse is so unlike any other cheater.
> 
> Shooting down any sound advice.
> 
> Expecting some magic to take their spouse out of affair. MC, reading self-help book, doing dishes more, giving their WS foot massage etc.


Except, well, my wife WAS so unlike any other wayward spouse that I have seen talked of on TAM that she is unique.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Heh Matt, it's good we know you're not in the fog 

But what I meant is, like, 80% of the threads here begin with mandatory prequel "I know my WS for X years, this is totally out of character for them".


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

I agree with others who said their is definitely a BS fog, it's mainly about denial and fear.

I do think that at some point a majority of BS's come out of this fog as do a majority of cheaters who finally realize that the OW or OM is a fantasy relationship that can never and should never be compare to a real marriage.

At that point, however, when the BS clears the fog, then they are in control of the outcome of the relationship and it may be the Cheater who is suddenly insecure and worried and fearful.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> I agree with others who said their is definitely a BS fog, it's mainly about denial and fear.
> 
> I do think that at some point a majority of BS's come out of this fog as do a majority of cheaters who finally realize that the OW or OM is a fantasy relationship that can never and should never be compare to a real marriage.
> 
> At that point, however, when the BS clears the fog, then they are in control of the outcome of the relationship and it may be the Cheater who is suddenly insecure and worried and fearful.


Agree.

I see BS-fog as: 

1. Denial (not wanting to see the WS for what he/she really turned out to be, a flawed person capable of doing extremely hurtfull things)

2. Fear (of loss, of a very uncertain future, will we be separated, what about the kids etc.)

The fear in it self may well be the cause of denial, I think. This is also influencing many of the previous explanations of the fog.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

cpacan said:


> Agree.
> 
> I see BS-fog as:
> 
> ...


IMO, for the BS to be fearful about the future and also in denial is normal. 

The BS usually suspects nothing and is happy. Cheating occurs in happy marriages according to the stats more often than in unhappy ones. 

Cheaters are cake eaters. They want to stay married. They want the security of a loving stable spouse while they get to go out and have wild frivolous sex with people that are just as selfish as they are. 

They don't want to marry these selfish cheating partners, the cheating spouse just want to have selfish pleasures with the partner. 

They want their good faithful spouse, but they are too selfish to pass up the affair.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

The dreaded smog. It's fascinated me as much or more than the fog has. They come from exactly the same place.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

cpacan said:


> Agree.
> 
> I see BS-fog as:
> 
> ...


I agree with this, except instead of fear, I would use "insecurity". The combination of the two are lethal to recovery. Because of their insecurity, they will believe their WS even when they have mountains of evidence to the contrary. This, in turn, feeds their denial. They will simply refuse to believe the evidence of continued deceit, and will re-act harshly to any attempts at pointing the deception out. This is especially true of affairs that were admitted, as opposed to affairs that were outed. And, of course, the WS will use the "BS fog", as a smoke screen to evade responsibility for the affair.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

TCx said:


> Can you explain this a bit more? I'm not sure I've gotten the right message.
> 
> Are you saying that the BS thought that their opinion of the WS should affect the WS and it doesn't?
> 
> ...


I'll weigh in and say neither. You can see from most post that the BS loves the WS. The sad thing is that it doesn't matter how the BS feels or thinks about the WS. The point is the WS actions are not dependent on the feelings about BS.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

I think the BS fog is akin to the emotional upheaval that occurs when a child finds out that there really is no Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy, or Easter Bunny. In a child, this state of cognitive dissonance may last but a few seconds; however, for the BS it sometimes takes months to finally reconcile the fantasy of his or her once idyllic world with the reality of what their spouse has metamorphosed into.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

I agree. It shatters the image you have of the WS. But that image has stayed with me, no matter how long I dwell on the horrific pain she put me through. I know I'm living in the past.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

maincourse99 said:


> I agree. It shatters the image you have of the WS. But that image has stayed with me, no matter how long I dwell on the horrific pain she put me through. I know I'm living in the past.


Odd phenomenon huh?

Strange that after the fact with BS's that suddenly your drive to 'uncouple' and your rose colored glasses become so overwhelming and almost illogical... 

I would freely admit that there were big problems in my marriage prior to my XW's affair. So much so I often contemplated my happiness with the marriage and the long term viability of it... But, when faced with her infidelity and the prospect of losing her... the polar shift in my affection and my level of 'love' was... Its hard to find a word. Overwhelming doesn’t do the change justice...

I’ve thought about it a lot.. Amongst other things... I’m thinking maybe it something to do with....

Associative conditioning or something. Like Pavlov's dog, she is the bell which cues your mind to produce nuerochemicals to meet a deficiency created by the change in your relationship. However, in order to do that you must focus on the positives, even putting certain experiences in an even more positive light... her smile is brighter, the sex was better, etc.. etc.. Perhaps the perceived positives aide your mind in producing dopamine, oxytoxicin, and all the other love drugs in your mind... Probably a drive to seek homeostasis.... and of course, the hard wired primary objective of all humans.. survival and propagation of the species... 

Dunno, but it's amazing stuff the smog... The wiring down deep in your brain is fascinating.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

snap said:


> Thinking that their cheating spouse is so unlike any other cheater.


I think mine was unlike any other cheater. Certainly not seen another case like it on TAM.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

In my case, she was the person my life centered around, yes she has many undesirable traits, but as I look back I can only focus on the good ones. I made a huge mistake elevating her to a position over everything else. I looked to her for everything, she was my best friend and that might be the hardest thing to lose.


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

maincourse99 said:


> In my case, she was the person my life centered around, yes she has many undesirable traits, but as I look back I can only focus on the good ones. I made a huge mistake elevating her to a position over everything else. I looked to her for everything, she was my best friend and that might be the hardest thing to lose.


I think you're talking less about the BS fog here than you are "who you were" with her.

I say this because you sound like my W. I too am the center of her life; she looks to me for everything (decisions/leadership, finances, how to do things, housework, she'll give me whatever I want, without a peep, even to the detriment of her own happiness) and she always has. Part of that is that I have a very strong personality and she was happy to just tag along.

In our 12 years together, we have had exactly zero arguments. There have been some angry words thrown at me on exactly three occasions and strangely, when she did stand up for herself, it took me back at first (I wasn't used to it) but I always remember being proud of her.

In some ways I feel more like a parent than a partner. I'm not defending my EA, but that was part of the hole in my life that I was trying to fill.

I'm glad you recognize your mistake; I suspect you are (or will be) a happier person for it.


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