# Do you talk about your marriage with other people?



## MambaZee (Aug 6, 2013)

I've only done it once, with my sister-in-law and it was because H and I were going through some very trying times and I felt like I was having a breakdown. She's his sister but more like mine. I just needed someone to talk to before I went crazy. We've had more ups and downs, but I just prefer more privacy where my marriage is concerned. I don't think H talks about our marriage to other people, either, except in general terms.

I know some people who tell their friends and coworkers _everything_ about their marriages. When it's the opposite sex, I find that especially offensive. Even with the same sex, I don't get the need to spill the beans over details about what goes on in your home. 

If you talk to other people about your marriage, is it friends, family, coworkers? Only when you have problems? I'm just curious.


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## Running Mom (Aug 13, 2013)

I talk about the good things or the positive things that I've learned from being married for 14 years. But up until I started coming here (and had a good talk with my sister), I never talked about the bad stuff. I might have made mild jokes but I never even hinted at some of the larger issues. I have a supportive family and I have friends who I might have been able to talk to but I really feel like a marriage is very difficult to understand from the outside, and I don't want my family or friends to get a bad impression of my husband or my marriage. I don't like to bad-mouth my husband to others. I feel like talking about my marital problems to others makes me look weak. 

As I said before, I did talk to my sister. She's my best friend but I'd always hesitated to say anything. I'm the big sister. I'm supposed to have my s**t together. But it felt so good to talk to her. Plus, it turns out that we basically married the same person (we must have Daddy issues!).


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

I will talk about it online but not to people who know my husband in real life.


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## MambaZee (Aug 6, 2013)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> I will talk about it online but not to people who know my husband in real life.


I realize the irony in my asking the question since I'm discussing my marriage on this site!  But I don't actually know anyone here so I hope that's not completely hypocritical of me.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I was never one to discuss my marriage with anyone who knew me or my husband in real life. Of course, all that changed when the divorce began, so now our families and friends know why we're divorcing (infidelity) but only a handful of people have heard any specifics from me. 

My husband, on the other hand, was always prone to share every little intimate detail of our marriage with his male and female friends. He was a chronic over-sharer, even when he knew it bothered or embarrassed me. I should have realized a lot sooner that it was part and parcel of his absolute lack of boundaries and complete disrespect for me and marriage as a whole.

I don't think it's necessarily wrong to discuss your marriage with a trusted same-sex friend, but when it turns into dissing your spouse, sharing intimate details to a lurid degree, sharing with opposite sex friends, or you become aware it bothers your partner - it needs to stop.


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## kokonatsu (Feb 22, 2013)

with an issue I go through, I like to talk with a couple people who are removed from the situation so that I can get a handle on where my mind is at, how i'm feeling and if my reaction is appropriate or not, so I don't create unnecessary drama. And it's the same with my SO too. 

But when it concerns my SO, I am more careful about who I talk with, like my sister or best friend, but I always go back to him and talk with him about it. actually, we found a good way to discuss issues. My strength is writing, his is talking, so if I have something I need to tell him, or find it difficult to say, he's happy to get an email from me, so I don't have to struggle with trying to talk about it.. then after he reads the email, we come back and talk about it some more, and can come to a solution. 

I feel like he really listens to me and cares for my opinion so I don't really feel the need to vent to others about him.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

If you are talking about positive things or funny stories, its really not an issue to tell people because that is just sharing happiness. However, if you are going to talk about problems or complain, you need to be very careful. I would never tell anybody except my most trusted friend the problems I have. I feel comfortable here because like everyone else mentioned, I dont know anybody and nobody for sure knows my husband.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I share happy positive things with friends, but that's where it stops. Any problems we have are discussed only with him and vice versa.

We both have pet peeves about sharing intimate details about our relationship with people. This forum is anonymous and he knows I post here. It doesn't bother him.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'll discuss problems with trusted close friends who don't regularly associate with my husband. Internet. Yes. Family no. Coworkers no.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

I have spoken in general terms about both the good and bad aspects of both my marriage and marriage in general to co-works, friends, neighbors, church members and ministers. Anyone who wanted to share lessons and experiences. 

However there are only two people other than my wife to whom I have spoken (in detail) to about the hard times my marriage has gone through. The first was / is my father when I have felt in needed of his guidance and advice, the other is my best friend whom I have known since we started school together aged 5, he could see that I was upset / at the end of my tether and he stayed up all night listening to me / encouraging me to get things of my chests. I know that I can trust both these people to have total discretion over what I have told them and just having someone to talk to about my troubles has helped me find the strength and conviction to work harder at putting things right.

I have always found writing a good way to get my thoughts in order, the process of thinking about problems and how to explain them helps me put them into perspective. With this as part of my makeup I was a natural for an anonymous forum sum as TAM.


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## Zookeepertomany (Jun 27, 2013)

NEVER with family or coworkers. Of all my friends I only have one that I do occasional ever confide in more for perspective help then complaining. There are others I could but I just choose not too.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

No! I have seen enough of that from others over the years. It seems like most of what I have seen ends up with the friend or fam member taking their side and just egging them on about how they shouldnt treat them that way or whatever and reinforcing things in a direction that is damaging or fatal to the relationship. 

Of course this is not always true but it sure appears to be more often than not.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

My finace discovered that when he shared info about me and him to her (His so called good friend) , that she knew when we might be having sex because she asked him after he told her about our dates whether I spend the night or not, .... in other words,would you not think that someone --whether male or female -- who was too interested in your dating activities......

that the woman who wanted to call him just a friend also fel t comfortable telling him to drop the woman that he good male firne was dating.


At the same time she was having sex with another man, which he knew about and they both wanted to take a trip together, including staying in the same hotel room together......


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

My motto is "praise in public and criticize in private."
I don't air dirty laundry or big disagreements to friends or family.
The most I'll share is something funny or lighthearted. I talk more online about my marriage than I do with my friends. 
If they ask me a specific question about how if we were in a fact pattern they're experiencing in their marriage and how we'd resolve it, I'd answer the question, but generally I don't give people marriage advice unless asked.

I absolutely don't discuss my marriage with anyone at work.

When you start airing things you don't like about your spouse to others, they remember it long after you and your spouse have fixed the issues. That colors their perception of your spouse and you. I know it's easy to vent to others, but you have to be very careful about how often you do it and to whom. I'm using a general "you" here. I'm not talking about anyone in this thread.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Mine was bad for a long time, but she had it good so there was no incentive to change. I talked to her till I was blue in the face, but eventually talked to other people about issues. I'm actually really glad that I did...realized I'm not alone and got some good advice. 

I didn't talk to everyone, but some friends and family...most tried to help, wanted us to make it work. They had good intentions for the most part.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

What I've discovered in my travels is that while you may forgive and move on from whatever issue you were having with your spouse, other people you told about it don't. They remember those negative things the most about your relationship. I don't want that to cloud any perceptions of us. Everyone has troubles, and everyone knows no relationship is without them. They just don't need a blow by blow of the storms we face IMO.


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## Butterfly0225 (Aug 22, 2013)

I just talk to my mum about my marriage. I wouldn't talk to other people about it because I like privacy. My husband doesn't talk about us either.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

I brag on my wife/marriage to other people, I complain about my wife/marriage to god.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## librarydragon (Aug 20, 2011)

My husband's aunt recently had a very tumultuous situation with her husband. She called from the ambulance after he'd hit her, after she learned about his girlfriend. He was arrested, but in the end, she refused to press charges. He lost his job in the security industry, as a result, and now, they need to move. She should have never involved family and friends if she intended to stay. No one thinks anything good of him...


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> What I've discovered in my travels is that while you may forgive and move on from whatever issue you were having with your spouse, other people you told about it don't. They remember those negative things the most about your relationship. I don't want that to cloud any perceptions of us. Everyone has troubles, and everyone knows no relationship is without them. They just don't need a blow by blow of the storms we face IMO.


That's why I always had a rule of never telling any marital problems to my parents. My husband and I would makeup, but my parents wouldn't be as forgiving.

I have talked to my mother-in-law early on in our marriage. She had no problem telling him when he was wrong, but she'd never hold anything against him...he's her son.

Normally the only person I talk to in recent years about my marriage is my sister-in-law (she's married to my husband's brother) and the two of us are close like sisters. We also have the bond of being in the family, but only by marriage. She's had much bigger problems in her marriage than I ever had and I'm the person she comes to also.

The one other person I sometimes will confide in is a long time friend of mine that doesn't even live in the same state as me anymore.

Of course I'll talk about the good in my marriage to anyone...family, coworkers, friends.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> My motto is "praise in public and criticize in private."


Wonderful motto.

If a person is both honest and sincere then they can occasionally seek advice from a friend or family memer who is unbiased and willing to tell you that you have your head up your butt if you are in the wrong. 

The point is not to rag on your spouse, but to explain a situation that might be difficult for you to see the solution to. 

I've done it once in six years that I can think of. A call to my brother.


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