# Why do people get away with being jerks...



## pinktrees11 (Jun 8, 2013)

I suppose this post might seem immature to some, however I do need to vent, so here we go.

A couple of years ago I met a man and after a while we started a relationship. This was the first time in my life when I was really crazy about someone. It lasted 3 years and we were engaged. Long story short- I left him. I left him after realizing how verbally and emotionally abusive he was. He is a very dependent and opportunistic man and always sought the mother figure in me that he never had. But he was very brazen and very vile, not to mention a pathological liar. He knew how to manipulate me for a very long time. 
I know I am better off without him but I feel like I am having to pay for a very long time for all this abuse. I am afraid of relationships now. I have pretty much decided I am better off alone than with someone and I feel like that will never change.

Him on the other hand... He just got married... To an even bigger idiot than I was, I think. This girl pretty much took him in and gave him a place to stay, got him a job after he was fired from his old job and from what I know is completely crazy about him. I don't think he loves her because during their engagement, he was still talking to me and wanted to see me. One day we bumped into each other. He didn't know I was back in town and I guess it was a big surprise for him. After that he would not stop writing me about how remorseful he was that things didn't work out between us and that he wanted to see me.
Who does that when they are happily engaged to someone else?

Anyway... I just don't understand why people (not just men, both genders) are jerks in relationships, hurt others... and move on as soon as the relationship ends to pursue whoever new comes along. And get away with things so well...

And I feel scared for life so to speak... I mean, I know I will be okay eventually and I don't blame him for every single bad thing in my life the way he did. I am happy to no longer be the naive little girl I was. But this relationship affected me on a deeper level.

Yet he has everything he ever wanted, even though he doesn't deserve any of it. I am not the only person he hurt, mind you... He has hurt a lot of people.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

They get away with it because people enable them.

We teach people how to treat us. You taught him that it's ok for him to mistreat you because you did not put a stop to it. Because you did not leave him the first or second time he did it. You taught him it was ok to abuse you. 

While that might seem harsh, it's the truth. Sadly I've been there, done that. It's a hard lesson to learn.

You have no boundaries. The woman he's with now has not boundaries.

There is no shortage of jerks like him (male and female) and there are no shortage of people with weak/no boundaries who all themselves to be used and abused.

But you do not have to be one those people any more. That relationship taught you something. So now learn from it and make the necessary changes in yourself.

Boundaries are not you telling him what he can or cannot do. They are you stating what you will not put up with.

"I will leave a man the first time he belittles me."
"If a man hits me I will call 911, press charges for assault, and end the relationship."
"If a man tries to use me financially I will end the relationship."

See make your boundaries. Write them down. They are gospel . Never, ever allow anyone to cross one of your boundaries. If you do this you will never be with a person like him again. You will be strong.

Then you stick around here and teach others how to set boundaries


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Simple answer... look up passive aggressive, BPD, co-dependency, or any other dysfunctional result of childhood disasters.

A person without boundaries or self esteem will tolerate behavior that is only slightly less than what they think of themselves. His new wife must not think much of herself!

He got everything he wanted. Well, then I guess he wants to live a fake life, manipulate people, and never have a truly mature relationship based on mutual respect, and emotional maturity. 

You outgrew him, emotionally, if you realised he's not the great catch after all. 

Sweetie, you WIN. Big time.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

deejov said:


> Simple answer... look up passive aggressive, BPD, co-dependency, or any other dysfunctional result of childhood disasters.
> 
> A person without boundaries or self esteem will tolerate behavior that is only slightly less than what they think of themselves. His new wife must not think much of herself!


People who fall in love or like to treat the ones they love very well can be prone to this. There may have been nothing wrong with their self-esteem, it's just that the accumulation from the user may have taken time to build up.



deejov said:


> He got everything he wanted. Well, then I guess he wants to live a fake life, manipulate people, and never have a truly mature relationship based on mutual respect, and emotional maturity.
> 
> You outgrew him, emotionally, if you realised he's not the great catch after all.
> 
> Sweetie, you WIN. Big time.


There are environments where the fake life, manipulation of peole and non-emotional connects are the mature way to be.

Decide if this is how you want to be.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

*ANYONE* can be in a relationship. *ANYONE* can get married. Even bank robbers. Even rapists. Even kidnappers. And yes, even '*jerks*'...

...which is why quite a number of them are eventually divorced. 

You found out what he was like after 3 years. Thank your lucky stars that you weren't married, or worse, that you had a _child_ together. His new wife might take longer to get it. Once she does, she'll regret not heeding the red flags. 

All is not always what it seems to be on the surface. 

I'm actually HOPING that my ex marries his affair partner! 

Muhahahahahahaha! 

Vega


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Vega said:


> *ANYONE* can be in a relationship. *ANYONE* can get married. Even bank robbers. Even rapists. Even kidnappers. And yes, even '*jerks*'...
> 
> ...which is why quite a number of them are eventually divorced.
> 
> ...


Imagine a husband that's married one of these types of identities and he can't say nothing...


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Imagine a husband that's married one of these types of identities and he can't say nothing...


 Why _can't_ he say anything? Unless he's that way _himself_...


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## pinktrees11 (Jun 8, 2013)

He told me in one of his messages that they were living with her parents... he had to put on his act, I am assuming. But not that they're married I can't help but think he will show his true colors...


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Vega said:


> Why _can't_ he say anything? Unless he's that way _himself_...


You can't say anything, because men who become victimized due to a situation like this do not get support, they get piled on. You can leave.


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## pinktrees11 (Jun 8, 2013)

treyvion said:


> You can't say anything, because men who become victimized due to a situation like this do not get support, they get piled on. You can leave.



Anybody can leave, I think regardless what gender they are.
And trust me I know a guy whose in a similar situation as mine. He can leave her, he has friends who would support his decision 100% but he chooses to stay with this awful woman.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

treyvion said:


> You can't say anything, because men who become victimized due to a situation like this do not get support, they get piled on. You can leave.


Please show us where a man in this kind of situation has been piled on instead of supported.


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## kokonatsu (Feb 22, 2013)

treyvion said:


> People who fall in love or like to treat the ones they love very well can be prone to this. There may have been nothing wrong with their self-esteem, it's just that the accumulation from the user may have taken time to build up.
> 
> There are environments where the fake life, manipulation of people and non-emotional connects are the mature way to be.
> 
> Decide if this is how you want to be.



YES. I am one of those who loves to treat my loved ones well. I don't mind doing stuff for my loved ones, but if they don't reciprocate or I start to feel like it's one-sided, I get easily frustrated with them and stop doing those things. It's quite hard, actually. I'm learning a lot about my boundaries nowadays, and trying to figure out what is appropriate. 

Anyway, back to the OP, stop being scared of what future people will do to you. I went through the ringer with three (now ex-)friends, and I also tend to project my fears of being treated how they treated me onto new friends I've made since then, but we have to give each new person a clean slate and figure out if we can trust them or not. Don't judge John because of what Steve did.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Please show us where a man in this kind of situation has been piled on instead of supported.


I'm one. In some environments people will get in on it. They want to be part of an injustice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

treyvion said:


> I'm one. In some environments people will get in on it. They want to be part of an injustice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What's "forcing" you to stay? If you have a job, and can support yourself, then there's no reason for you to stay. Even if you DON'T have a job, but you want to leave, you could stay with friends, other relatives, or even in a homeless shelter. 

People leave for all different kinds of reasons. Some people will agree with your reasons, and others won't. But if they don't agree, so WHAT??

Edited to add: While I'm sorry to say that there ARE men out there who are being 'abused', there are also men who CLAIM that they're being abused. My ex is one of those. He claimed he had been abused by his exg/f. Yet when I started asking him questions, he looked at me like I had 4 heads. 

_Playing_ the victim and actually _being_ the victim are two different things. Playing the victim means that you have _reasonable means _to either stop the behavior or to get away from it. 

Vega


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

UH. You're the winner. 

You dodged that bullet. Whew!


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Vega said:


> What's "forcing" you to stay? If you have a job, and can support yourself, then there's no reason for you to stay. Even if you DON'T have a job, but you want to leave, you could stay with friends, other relatives, or even in a homeless shelter.
> 
> People leave for all different kinds of reasons. Some people will agree with your reasons, and others won't. But if they don't agree, so WHAT??
> 
> ...


No one is proud of being a victim
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Pinktrees, I also think that society's values enable jerks to some degree. We are supposed to give people "second chances" and "benefit of the doubt." by the time you do that, 3 years have come and gone. 

My first LTR after my divorce was with a jerk that lasted 2 years about 16 months of which was LD. I really think that my sister was jealous that I met a guy who would wine me and dine me ..... after her divorce she couldn't. So she said that a guy who "does that much" that is, wining and dining, is obviously on the marriage track...... because of course, she had to rationalise the offhand treatment that she was getting from her boyfriend..... that is, he wasn't on the marriage track.

So yea, this guy was throwing the M word around and the b word around (babies) but at the same time making suggestions that would have left him dependent on me ie, "can I move into your place"; accepting a job that cut his salary by 50%; trying to get me to agree to rent his house (as an office since I worked for myself and was hoping to find some new clients, including in the city where he owned a house. At each turn, my sister would say, he's looking for the gf treatment, you don't treat him right, right now.

in other words, what I wanted was no longer important. some man was wanting to attach his life onto mine and my family was acting as if I had no choice but to comply or else I was a selfish ***** and while he was calling and initiating, I was obviously stringing him along. 

Even after 4 years of splitting up him, my father said that "I missed a great opportunity with him." the only thing that i can imagine is that my parents really believe the media hype that there no or at least too few elgible black men for black women and dating outside of the race is not an option. My sister ridciuled for only wanting to date white guys.

So there you go, Pinktrees, I think jerks are smart to take advantage of the stereotypes, hype, dreams, shortcomings and so on of others. 

Have you ever tried to identify why you dated this guy for so long? I did for myself. The reasons:

1. It was the first relationship offer after my divorce.

2. Sadly, I met him while I was with my sisters, so he had easy contact to my family and he played on that connection.

3. at the time, the accusation that I only dated white guys affected me so I wanted to show that I was giving this every opportunity to stay in the relationship BUT also do right by me. So no, I wasn't stupid enough to let him move in with me while, as he put it "pay me something towards the rent." But I did take the big risk of saying, if that job doesn't pay you enough to get your own place in this city, then you need to find another job. I knew I could have gotten burned at the stake as a golddigger, but I also knew that there is something wrong when a man who is making 6 figures (and no dependants) is asking to share your tiny apartment with him.

4. and finally, because I have been stalked before, I wanted it to be his decision to kill the relationship and that takes a lot of patience.


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## pinktrees11 (Jun 8, 2013)

Thank you for all the responses.

I think the reason why I fell for his lies was that I was young and he was my first. I was also pretty desperate for love (grew up without a father), had low self esteem and being a very giving person, I tried to "save him from his misery". 
But, like I said, I'm having to pay for this for a really long time.

It's a shame your family encouraged you to be with a man like that, a man that was clearly very dependent and opportunistic. But good on you for leaving despite the pressure.


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