# Browsing personals ~ women, men, everything



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Hi, I haven't been here in a while and a lot has happened in my marriage, but we are on the mending side. However, this past week I did go through his internet history on his phone and there were all sorts of hits on Craigslist. Not the kind he had a year ago, but for transexuals, gay men, etc. I confronted him, and he told me that he was "messing" with these people 'cause he was bored, but that he had no intention. He is a jokester and there were no hits on "regular" ads as there had been in the past...

My question is what else should I look for to see if these hits were of interest to him and if he was really looking for a man? Or am I just completely naive to even be having to ask if this was for real?!

Divorce is really not an option right now... We tried to do that and it costs a ton of money, money we don't have, and our children need to be taken care of, at least a stable environment, and we don't fight in front of them, actually we get along pretty well most of the time...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I think that sounds like a pretty weak answer myself.

What does your gut say about it?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok so what you have here is a pattern of him looking to cheat with other people, at minimum.



Cherry said:


> Or am I just completely naive to even be having to ask if this was for real?!...


It is real because you found it and said it's happened in the past. Denial is not going to make this go away.




Cherry said:


> Divorce is really not an option right now...


Ok so tolerate this is the way he is and he's lied to you about it and seemingly thinks it's ok to do this and makes light of it or put your foot down.

Get tested for STDs, either way.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I didn't go looking for your history... But if there was any kind of issue in the past (cheating physically or emotionally) or this came up before, his answer would be simply unacceptable to most people, I think. Find a different hobby than "messing" with people, if that's even true. But online meat markets should be a definite no-no.

Two things to think about... Complete transparency for both of you. You get full access to his email accounts, phone records, etc. Any time you ask or want to check. And he gets the same for you.

Second, by trying the divorce before and not going through with it, he may have learned that he can do as he pleases, and you can't/won't put your foot down. I'm not saying that it's possible or not for you to get a divorce; you're the only one that can determine that based on your situation. But if it's not possible and he knows it, that deterrent is no longer there to keep him on the straight and narrow path.

C


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Just as an FYI... I'm a guy who cheated on my marriage. And in my humble opinion, either of your scenario's are bad. Even if it was a "brief adventure", unless the reasons for him attempting that brief adventure are removed, he's going to do it again. And unless you catch him again before something happens, it very well could go further. Plus, as you said, he'll simply hide it better this time.

Not talking about it again will NOT fix the problem.

C


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

PBear said:


> Just as an FYI... I'm a guy who cheated on my marriage. And in my humble opinion, either of your scenario's are bad. Even if it was a "brief adventure", unless the reasons for him attempting that brief adventure are removed, he's going to do it again. And unless you catch him again before something happens, it very well could go further. Plus, as you said, he'll simply hide it better this time.
> 
> Not talking about it again will NOT fix the problem.
> 
> C


I know... A lot to think about right now.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Don't know your previous story, and only my humble opinion but I'd say there is not a straight man on this earth that is dealing with any sort of marital strife that would find this an amusing hobby -- and certainly not "just" messing with people. No way.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Personally I would say that any day now he'll pull the same baloney he pulled on you before--moving out 3 days before the bills are due, setting up house elsewhere, etc. 

You almost died, had TWIN INFANTS, worked full time, and had a stroke...and he still demanded sex of you AND cheated on you with Craigslist last year. I don't say this very often or lightly, but this man has some SERIOUS personal issues. You would be much, much wiser to get yourself financial stable (so you and your kids are protected) . This kind of behavior is not "messing around" -- when was the last time YOU did it? Or anyone here on this thread? NEVER!! 

I'm so sorry but I personally believe you would be much better off separating from him until he has admitted that what he's done is wrong and then done some intensive personal work to change himself...then taken the time to show you BY HIS ACTIONS that he is no longer this man. Until then, I suspect you'll be living this cycle over and over and over again.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

does he get pervie with ya
in the bedroom?

u know, doggie style and tends to oops/miss once 2 often?

if so, u have yer answer.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Affaircare said:


> Personally I would say that any day now he'll pull the same baloney he pulled on you before--moving out 3 days before the bills are due, setting up house elsewhere, etc.
> 
> You almost died, had TWIN INFANTS, worked full time, and had a stroke...and he still demanded sex of you AND cheated on you with Craigslist last year. I don't say this very often or lightly, but this man has some SERIOUS personal issues. You would be much, much wiser to get yourself financial stable (so you and your kids are protected) . This kind of behavior is not "messing around" -- when was the last time YOU did it? Or anyone here on this thread? NEVER!!
> 
> I'm so sorry but I personally believe you would be much better off separating from him until he has admitted that what he's done is wrong and then done some intensive personal work to change himself...then taken the time to show you BY HIS ACTIONS that he is no longer this man. Until then, I suspect you'll be living this cycle over and over and over again.


That's basically my story with this man in a nutshell. No, I've never even looked at personals since I met him and I don't know of anyone who is happily in a relationship who has. You are right, I find myself in this never ending cycle and only I can stop it. It hurts like hell, that's for sure... We just sunk so much money in our first divorce run that I don't know where else to turn. Of course when we decided to reconcile, everyone who supported my divorce decision was completely baffled and rightfully so. And now 8 months later, I see their side 100%! 

And the saddest part of all this, 5 days after we reconciled (eight months ago), I found out he was responding to personals on Craigslist... You ever feel like you want to work so hard at something because you don't want others to say "I told you so"?

This marriage is really a joke, I know the answer 

And cb45 - Yes, he is kinky in the bedroom, he is really into anal and oral til he cums and me ~ not so much... Guess that's my answer to this particular set of personals I came across... ugh.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Cherry,

I'm kinky.....but not at all interested in going to those types of places online. I would hate to be labled as "potentially gay" for what my wife and I do in the bedroom....lol


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

it-guy said:


> Cherry,
> 
> I'm kinky.....but not at all interested in going to those types of places online. I would hate to be labled as "potentially gay" for what my wife and I do in the bedroom....lol


lol... Sorry I was answering cb45's question... But I certainly wouldn't think he is gay for what he wants in the bedroom with me, it's just coupled with his online excursions that makes me wonder


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

I guess we differ cherry et al, on this topic.

for if my W wanted to "strap one on" and ram me or some such perverse behavior that some may call "kinky," i'd have SERIOUS questions about whats going on in her head and her life (when i'm not around that is...) and would have to simultaneously plan both "open" discussions and my plan B/C/D (or fix it/exit strategies) should i not like what i hear or "where this is going" so to speak.

shalom.........


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

cb45 said:


> I guess we differ cherry et al, on this topic.
> 
> for if my W wanted to "strap one on" and ram me or some such perverse behavior that some may call "kinky," i'd have SERIOUS questions about whats going on in her head and her life (when i'm not around that is...) and would have to simultaneously plan both "open" discussions and my plan B/C/D (or fix it/exit strategies) should i not like what i hear or "where this is going" so to speak.
> 
> shalom.........


Okay - lost in translation  If my husband wanted me to "strap one on"... That would be a bit over the top and yes, I would have serious questions as to where this desire comes from (but I have heard of men liking that, certainly wouldn't be my cup of tea to perform like that nor has he ever asked me to do that, I will stop short of calling that "gay" behavior though), but I was referring to regular anal sex or oral til he cums, that kind of "kinky" stuff... I hope this makes since, sorry for the tangent


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

no, no tangent taken.

was just putting out something clarification wise as well as
saying its ok to "stand" for something rather than be always
caught up in this "politically correct" atmosphere and "couch" my words/ideas/beliefs/etc.

sure, they're mine that some share, and some do not but,
too apologetic i must not be as a Christian when it comes to
right vs wrong/normal vs abnormal/Gods form of sexuality (permitted) and mans perversions of it/that.

most folk are like sheep or cattle & just follow the herd rather
blaze a new trail or in this case, maintain the old ways, the old
trail thats delivered their fathers/forfathers safely for generations upon generations despite whatever conditions the
world/weather throws at them.
SOME cattle/sheep stray and become lost. Some for a time, some forever. Depends on who their *Sheperd* is.

depends on how loud/often they moo/baaa/bleeet i guess also.

I've done anal with my W. been there done that. its perversion
on my part. pure selfishness. her rectum isnt made for my penile-lustfull pleasure. she didnt like having my member up there either (and she likes pain, am afraid to say). and a sick
part of me enjoyed imparting that pain if that makes any sense.

thus i dont do that anymore. have i been tempted with thoughts of doing it again? sure. so what? My Big head rules
my Little head and that ends that (thought).

IF i obeyed my lusts/desires who knows how far it'd go b4 i/we
reach our cliff/ruin/end of days kinda scenario. u have to draw 
a line somewhere. those lines are clearly defined in the Bible.

Do i demand this of you? no, not really. i only can do what Jesus, and John, and all the prophets did before me did: 
that is, declare the Word of the Lord and let those who 
have an ear, hear, and those willing to Do, Act. 

We listen or we hear, we read or we understand, big big 
differences there, as i see/learn daily in my own life walk.

Shalom.........


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

PBear said:


> I didn't go looking for your history... But if there was any kind of issue in the past (cheating physically or emotionally) or this came up before, his answer would be simply unacceptable to most people, I think. Find a different hobby than "messing" with people, if that's even true. But online meat markets should be a definite no-no.
> 
> Two things to think about... Complete transparency for both of you. You get full access to his email accounts, phone records, etc. Any time you ask or want to check. And he gets the same for you.
> 
> ...


I've thought about everything everyone here has said since I found out about this, and I guess the most frightening thing about this, aside from my children being hurt, is losing my feelings for him... It's like anything in life I guess. I told him this months ago when he lied to me about a money thing (which also happens a lot)... For me, there will come a time when the struggle to keep this together becomes too much. We went to MC once before, while it was good, we stopped shortly after he took a sex addict assessment. The MC told me that he passed that and the assessment actually "proved" that he was 100% committed to changing his unfaithful desires. But in hindsight, he has also passed a state issued lie detector test by "lying", he's passed a state drug/alcohol assessment by "lying", etc. 

I determined last night that my feelings for him are certainly not very strong right now, and I even have a hard time telling him I love him. Hell, every time he tells me something I question it in the back of my mind. I guess I just need to sit back and raise my children to the best of my ability, and really simply tolerate my husband for now... To me that's a sad way to be married, but it's the truth.


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