# Marriage Troubles - Seeking Advice



## EternalPatriot (Jan 4, 2017)

So my situation is mainly a two-part question where I’m not really sure where to turn or what action I should take at this point. I apologize up front for the length of my comments here but I wanted to not only make sure I covered everything for the best answer possible but also to help me focus on my feelings as well. With that, here goes…

I’ve been married now for over 10 years and I’ll honestly state that most of that time has been great! Unfortunately, this all began to change about three years ago and now I I’m uncertain if life will ever go back to the way it used to be.

*First Problem – I want a Wife, not a Roommate. *

For most of our marriage, we were very close. Our relationship was passionate, exciting, and romantic (even with children trying to burn the house down all the time). For the last long while, I feel like our marriage has become more of a co-habitation with basic levels of familiarization. I don’t feel like I have a wife, just a roommate who I happen to have children with. We don’t do things together anymore. We don’t really even talk much anymore. At night, there is little more than a “goodnight” followed by her rolling over and then silence. I don’t even know the last time she even showed the slightest interest in something as simple as a kiss. Sex in our relationship is nonexistent even though I have made several attempts to spark her interest. I often wonder, late into the night, why I ever even got married. While I see her every day, I have never felt more alone. And, while there are other serious problems within the marriage (explained below), I have tried everything I can think of to try and bring some semblance of passion back into our lives. In each case, I have failed.

I see other friends and how happy they are in their relationship and while I’m pleased for them, I’m also terribly heartbroken. Not long ago I happened to notice a short conversation a friend of mine was having with his wife and it amazed me how much love and admiration they both had for each other. I wish my wife could look at me as my friend’s does towards him.
*
Second Problem – Health and Fitness.*

My wife and I have always been extremely motivated and active people. For me, this comes from being a career Soldier and someone who is passionate about living a healthy lifestyle. Before we were married, I made it very clear of my thoughts of personal fitness and while I’ll openly admit it’s probably a shallow point of view, I frankly detest obese people. In the military, a commander is responsible for assessing another Soldier’s personal fitness and determining what actions will be taken should they not maintain required standards. In all of these cases I dealt with, these Soldiers held a vast array of excuses which ultimately ended with them either not being personally motivated or simply too lazy. As such, I separated them from military service.

For that reason, it is extremely difficult for me to accept the situation where my wife currently finds herself. She is significantly overweight and as such, is now experiencing a growing list of medical (physical and emotional) conditions which are directly related to her choices. I have offered many times to help her with her training, offered to cook the meals, helped direct her to exercise programs that she would enjoy, etc. In each case, she began the process for a short while and then returned to her previous lifestyle without really ever putting in any serious effort. 

Several months ago, she informed me that she had a binge eating problem and began seeking advice from a professional. However, her lifestyle and eating habits have not changed at all. She also began attending an addiction recovery program but didn’t continue with it.

My concern is that I fully understand that people can change due to only two situations:

1. They feel compelled by an outside force and so they make token changes to appease the situation while never really changing the core personality or belief system.

2. They feel a real desire to become more than they were the day before and as such, make a stern determination to change who they are. 

As such, people only really change if they WANT to.

As it stands now, I’m tired of pretending neither of these issues bother me. I’ve mostly ignored the weight gain until lately as I simply wanted a close relationship more than a “trophy wife.” I’ve not really said much of anything about either of these issuers to her and have tried to play the role of the always understanding husband as I simply don’t want to hurt her feelings. I have always thought that as intelligent as she is, she would figure out there is a problem and take steps to resolve it. I know she is concerned about her weight as she’s mentioned it several times before but I don’t believe she has any real idea our relationship itself is void of what a marriage should be. 

I don’t want a divorce. I just want my wife back again.

I’m tired of living like this.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

EternalPatriot said:


> So my situation is mainly a two-part question where I’m not really sure where to turn or what action I should take at this point. I apologize up front for the length of my comments here but I wanted to not only make sure I covered everything for the best answer possible but also to help me focus on my feelings as well. With that, here goes…
> 
> I’ve been married now for over 10 years and I’ll honestly state that most of that time has been great! Unfortunately, this all began to change about three years ago and now I I’m uncertain if life will ever go back to the way it used to be.
> 
> ...


So you make it clear to your wife that her being overweight disgusts you and then you wonder why she does not want to have sex with a man who finds her disgusting.
Buddy she isn't under your command,stand down soldier.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

No doubt she fully knew you started to find her disgusting long before you think you indicated it. Do factor that in.

Personally at one point I was close to 100 lbs over my marital weight and I never had a self esteem issue and - other than the health issues that can arise - my wife never viewed me as a "fat person" because I wasn't one. Though I've lost weight I am still significantly overweight and am working on it. It is a lifelong struggle, depending significantly on ones genetics. I realize many will never believe that, but with more than one set of multiple births among my children I can say that with absolutely no doubt.

Do you show her affection? Do you ask about her day? Do you listen actively? Do you touch her non-sexually throughout the day but with tenderness? Do you show your interest in your demeanor and eyes? 

What does she like to do? Do you do that with her? Even if it's watching tv do you share that? Talk about what was funny or sad about the last episode and what might happen?

If you TRULY want to save your marriage, then YOU have to find the internal strength to change. You have to change to find her beautiful and sexy as an overweight person. If you can't do that, why would you expect her to be able to change herself?

If you can fake it well enough while you're working on yourself, she might see the change and be willing to open up to you.

But realize that her letting you in requires her to allow herself to be vulnerable to you and she will be unwilling to make that leap unless you are a trustworthy person first. You can earn her trust by demonstrating that you will unconditionally love and accept her even if she's overweight.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

BTW I'm glad you realize your aversion to overweight people is "shallow". The first step to change is recognizing where you have a problem. The next step is to stop minimizing your problem, and stop making excuses and rationalizations. That will be hardest for you because the job you lead allows you to use your weakness as an excuse to do your job effectively.

There are very real reasons for having fit military personnel and it has to do with life and death.

Your "fat aversion" weakness allows you to justify your actions and "get rid of" unfit people but at a cost of allowing you to believe they are weak and unworthy. So you are emotionally justifying your actions to discharge unfit people - when facts alone are sufficient without that emotional component.

Now realize there is no similar job imperative for the role of wife, mother, lover, best friend... So your fat aversion is all on you and is your problem outside of work.

Sorry but TTH.

And BTW I would have a problem if my W were significantly obese but I'd also realize that was my problem


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## EternalPatriot (Jan 4, 2017)

TheTruthHurts said:


> No doubt she fully knew you started to find her disgusting long before you think you indicated it. Do factor that in.


For the record, I don't find her disgusting. I detest the lifestyle choice. But regardless, you're probably right about her knowing that it bothers me. 



TheTruthHurts said:


> Do you show her affection? Do you ask about her day? Do you listen actively? Do you touch her non-sexually throughout the day but with tenderness? Do you show your interest in your demeanor and eyes?


Until a few weeks ago, I have been making an increased effort to do just that. What concerns me though is that she continues to see a therapist about her eating problem but won't talk to me about it. I've asked general questions to see what I can do to help but she almost instantly changes the subject. As for the relationship itself, I have tried to find ways to be more active with each other but in most cases, my attempts have had little success. Typically, she is more interested in watching something on TV. 




TheTruthHurts said:


> If you TRULY want to save your marriage, then YOU have to find the internal strength to change. You have to change to find her beautiful and sexy as an overweight person.


While I respect your suggestion in this area, I'm afraid that I don't agree in the slightest. Health and fitness is one of my core values and has never been something I have kept secret. I don't consider an overweight person sexually or in otherwise, attractive. I never will. Again, this may be a shallow point of view but why must I change from the person I have always been in order to accept a lifestyle I fundamentally disagree with?




TheTruthHurts said:


> You can earn her trust by demonstrating that you will unconditionally love and accept her even if she's overweight.


You make a very good point even if I don't necessarily agree. Either way, should this not also be a situation where perhaps both sides may be able to compromise to some extent? 

I'll admit that living as I do is very hard work. I spend a good bit of time each week in meal planning, balancing my supplements, and continual modification tracking in workouts in order to ensure the results I want. Truth be told though, I faced a serious injury a few years ago which prevented me from exercising. As a result, I began this spiral downhill which caused points of depression and medical problems related to a sedimentary lifestyle. At point, I pretty much gave up even trying. This changed when I ran into a former Soldier I had once helped who stopped by to thank me for helping change his life. Talk about guilt! That day, I rededicated myself to doing what I knew I should always have been doing. This why I so believe that much of our lives is affected upon our own self-motivation. I refuse to ever allow myself to be that person again.

These days, I wish I knew a way to help my wife find that motivation. I truly believe that by living a healthy lifestyle, she's be happier with herself, that her medical conditions will be most eliminated, and that things may return to how it was in the past.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You remind me of my husband. He's been putting expensive face cream on his face for decades. He's been taking a pack of vitamins every day for decades. Those things don't interest me. He's tried to make me care about them, but I simply don't. I'm lazy, I admit it. I can't stand swallowing pills and the smell of them nauseates me. I compromise with a gummy vitamin. And if I had money, I'd spend it on someone to prepare food, I hate dealing with it that much. 

Has he guilted me? Yes. Did it make me feel bad? Yes. Did it make me resent him? Yes. Did it make me stop sharing my own thoughts and feelings with him? Yes. Did it make me change? No.

Now, if his attitude toward what makes ME happy would change and he would give a damn and try to find out WHY I like what I like, I would welcome him into MY thought process. But he doesn't care. He just wants me to want what he wants. So I continue to not do it.

Think about it.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Time to be honest. Your op is dripping with disgust. 

Anyway my first thought was how much does her mother weigh? You know they turn into their mothers, right?


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## EternalPatriot (Jan 4, 2017)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Anyway my first thought was how much does her mother weigh? You know they turn into their mothers, right?


Her mother and sisters are all health nuts as well.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I don't know how people can get like this. My only guess is... comfort/laziness, resentment and indifference to spouse, depression. 

Can you take over the cooking of dinner? Can you make suggestions like I'm sick of watching tv, let's go out and do something? I think a daily walk after dinner is great for exercise, connection, and the fresh air is feels great. 

She knows she's overweight. She wants to lose weight, she's just in a rut. Maybe come at the side where you miss having sex with her, you want more of a connection with ... the suggest more physical activities you guys can do together. 
At this point she doesn't know how to help herself and she isn't talking to you about it so now you need to be a little bit more forceful in your technique.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

EternalPatriot said:


> So my situation is mainly a two-part question where I’m not really sure where to turn or what action I should take at this point. I apologize up front for the length of my comments here but I wanted to not only make sure I covered everything for the best answer possible but also to help me focus on my feelings as well. With that, here goes…
> 
> I’ve been married now for over 10 years and I’ll honestly state that most of that time has been great! Unfortunately, this all began to change about three years ago and now I I’m uncertain if life will ever go back to the way it used to be.
> 
> ...


Career soldiers adapt to change, right?

You are still your own commander, but you are not hers... perhaps it time for a change of command toward acceptance of the heart and less expectation of the mind.

When she sees and believes a true acceptance is true inside you, her anxieties will begin to feel reachable for her to address on her terms.

You fully understand how people change in the military... that doesn't work in our families, not well anyways.

Her feelings are more than hurt... she has lost faith in your love.

Until you can be humble and show her she can trust you, your path will be distant and alone.


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## EternalPatriot (Jan 4, 2017)

While I appreciate the suggestions so far, I think there may be more to the solution than simple acceptance. I say this because a good friend of mine mentioned to me not long ago that she and her husband are going through a similar, almost identical situation. In her situation, she has gone well out of the way to try and make him understand how much she still loves and appreciates him but has received little in return. She is a fitness expert and has been trying to help her husband with his lifestyle changes and assist where possible in helping him lose weight and eat right. In response, he apparently closes in even tighter. Prior to the weight gain, he too slowly began to show less and less interest in her. 

In the end, our stories are similar in that we both want things to be like they were in the past. Yet, somewhere, something changed.

For me, there have been several times where we have discussed these issues and when she responded, I have very excited to encourage and helped wherever possible. However, as mentioned, this only lasts for a short while and then things return to where they are now. At this point, it's hard to be encouraging when I have a difficult time believing that it will be any different than the multiple occasions in the recent past.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you asked her WHY? In a safe way?


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## EternalPatriot (Jan 4, 2017)

turnera said:


> Have you asked her WHY? In a safe way?


Is there a "safe" way to ask the question without hurting her feelings? See, as an extreme type-A personality, communication skills are definitely not on my top 10 list of great abilities.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

Hi, sorry to hear of you marital troubles.

I know a bit about binge eating and eating disorders as someone close to me suffers from them. The person binge eating is usually doing it for comfort, it happens when they are feeling low, they use food as a coping mechanism but afterwards they always feel guilty about it. The vast majority of people who binge eat are insecure and more than likely depressed. Have you tried talking to your wife about this?

She has probably developed huge insecurities due to the weight gain and because you've stated your "detest" obese people then that's probably why she has withdrawn from intimacy. I understand you try to help her with meals and training and so on but the problem lies within, she needs professional help for whatever may be going on with her mentally at the moment and only once that's addressed can she begin to try to work on her weight with healthy eating and training as so on. If she doesn't get help to see what the root cause of her eating disorder is then trying a diet and so on is just papering over the cracks, and will only be a temporary fix.

I understand you have views on fitness and obesity but to say you detest obese people is i horrible thing to say, these are normal people just like yourself and a lot of them suffering with eating disorders just like your wife, Just because someone's overweight doesn't mean you should detest them, that's such a horrible view to have. 


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I can't help but think that if this was a husband who had gained weight and wouldn't address it or did so only for a few days people would be screaming for the wife to divorce him.

He's a career military person... it isn't him who changed in the marriage. His wife married a guy who was in charge, fit and didn't like out-of-shape people. He married a woman who was fit and active and it's SHE who has changed.

I would suggest that they both go to counseling together where they can both express how they feel about the situation with a referee guiding the conversation.


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## EternalPatriot (Jan 4, 2017)

Loveontherocks said:


> Hi, sorry to hear of you marital troubles.
> 
> I know a bit about binge eating and eating disorders as someone close to me suffers from them. The person binge eating is usually doing it for comfort, it happens when they are feeling low, they use food as a coping mechanism but afterwards they always feel guilty about it. The vast majority of people who binge eat are insecure and more than likely depressed. Have you tried talking to your wife about this?
> 
> ...


Thanks for the great reply and for the insight! I'll be honest in that I have little experience with such disorders and so I have no real frame of reference as to understand the underline reason for them. And, as you mentioned, everything that I have tried thus far has been little more than a temporary fix.

She has been seeing a therapist for a while now but I've not seen any change in behavior so I can only assume that it's not helping. Perhaps a different therapist might be the right answer.

As for the "detest" comment, you're right. It's the behavior and lack of effort to change that I detest, not the people. An example of poorly chosen words there. I've actually worked with many people who were overweight in helping them to change their lifestyle and understand the truth and the lies within the fitness world. In almost all cases, these people wanted to live better lives but simply didn't know how. It was the greatest reward to see the changes and how happy they were in the end.

I suppose my mistake was thinking that since I've helped train all these Soldiers to become a leaner/healthier version of themselves that it would be easy for me to help my wife as well. But like you mentioned, the core problem has to be addressed and resolved before anything else can have a lasting effect. 

Understanding and compassion are areas I know I struggle with. I suppose it comes from too many years of being told to "suck it up Soldier..."


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I agree, get into marriage counseling. If she refuses to go, you need to set a deadline. If things don't improve, you start the separation process. I've been in your shoes. My ex wife didn't gain a lot of weight until the last few years, but our main issues was unhappiness and not even being roommates. We hated each other. No sex for 4+ years. I'm now coming up on 1 year of being separated and loving life again. I see my kids 50% of the time, which is the worst part about it. I don't care about the ~$1k each month I give her. My happiness is worth more than anything money can buy.

You need to show her you won't tolerate it and will take action. If she thinks your bluffing, then she'll continue to gain weight to make you more miserable. The hardest thing you'll ever have to do is when you call it quits and disrupt your children's world. It's the most painful month of your life. But the good news is, time marches on and goes by fast. After the first month, it gets easier. After a year, you'll be almost fully recovered (emotionally and financially). Good luck.


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## EternalPatriot (Jan 4, 2017)

Chris Taylor said:


> I can't help but think that if this was a husband who had gained weight and wouldn't address it or did so only for a few days people would be screaming for the wife to divorce him.
> 
> He's a career military person... it isn't him who changed in the marriage. His wife married a guy who was in charge, fit and didn't like out-of-shape people. He married a woman who was fit and active and it's SHE who has changed.
> 
> I would suggest that they both go to counseling together where they can both express how they feel about the situation with a referee guiding the conversation.


This pretty much sums things up. I'm hesitant about going to a counselor though as I'm comfortable with "doing," not so much with "talking."


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

I'm with you dude, I detest obese people, they're really unattractive, oftentimes they don't smell all that good, and they are a huge reason why health insurance rates are through the roof.

Luckily for me I'm in a relationship with a woman who keeps herself fit.. for the most part. The last year she's put on a few pounds and she knows I'm not happy about it because my attraction drops and along with it so does the sex.

She's working on it- for herself but also because she knows I'm not ok with it.

If I was in your position, first off I'd ignore all the "shallow" and "you must accept" comments because they're just not going to help your situation, you can't help how you feel and you don't need to be thinking there's anything wrong with how you think. I'm going to bet that most people who make such posts about you being shallow and non accepting are wearing pants or dresses that are way into the oversize or "plus" category, and as such those posts should be taken with the proverbial grain of salt.

I'm thinking things won't change, and ultimately you'll divorce her and find a younger, slimmer fit women who actually gives a crap about her health and appearance, but you could at least give your wife the benefit of full disclosure. She loses the weight or she loses you. Might not do anything but at least you can say you tried.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

EternalPatriot said:


> Thanks for the great reply and for the insight! I'll be honest in that I have little experience with such disorders and so I have no real frame of reference as to understand the underline reason for them. And, as you mentioned, everything that I have tried thus far has been little more than a temporary fix.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I totally understand what you're saying and agree with a lot of it. As you've helped people beat the vicious cycle of over eating I suppose it can be frustrating when you see your wife struggle. Just be there for her as much as you can, offer to be a listening ear for her, ask her how she is and and show that you are willing to make the effort to help her no matter what it takes.

If she knows she can confide in you and open up to you it will feel like huge relief for her, she probably feels due to your views from your army training and so on that you won't understand her, she maybe feels a bit insecure around you because she realises she has put on some weight. Just try and reassure her that it doesn't matter, you want to help her, and most importantly that you still love her.

It's a good sign that she's admitted to you about the binge eating, that's the first step, a lot of sufferers live in denial and keep it hidden from their loved ones. The fact she told you shows she has trust in you. Her getting therapy is a huge step in the right direction but it's no quick fix, it could take months or even years before she recovers, just be patient and loving for now and always try and talk through her problems with her and be a good listener, women need that from a spouse.

I hope it all gets sorted for you both and you find some happiness. 


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

EternalPatriot said:


> Is there a "safe" way to ask the question without hurting her feelings? See, as an extreme type-A personality, communication skills are definitely not on my top 10 list of great abilities.


That's what I figured. Guess what women tend to do when living with type-A men?

Withdraw. Protect themselves. Stop sharing. Stop being honest. Get depressed. Lose self-worth. Binge eat.

This isn't her issue.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> He married a woman who was fit and active and it's SHE who has changed.


After years of being married to a type A.



> I would suggest that they both go to counseling together where they can both express how they feel about the situation with a referee guiding the conversation.


Agreed.


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## EternalPatriot (Jan 4, 2017)

turnera said:


> EternalPatriot said:
> 
> 
> > Is there a "safe" way to ask the question without hurting her feelings? See, as an extreme type-A personality, communication skills are definitely not on my top 10 list of great abilities.
> ...


For the record, she is a type-A as well. We did a personality test before we got married just to confirm what was already expected.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Type A women are rarely as gung-ho or aggressive or unable to emotionally connect as type A men.

The point is, you're not happy with her. But she has gone to a place where she's no longer concerned with making you happy. It behooves you to figure out her mental processes that led her to that place. Which almost surely - barring FOO issues - derived from her interactions with you. I don't even know you but I already feel like you're a pushy person and, well, a little over-the-top about your fixation on healthy lifestyle and body. Imagine if a person had to live with that fixation.


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> So you make it clear to your wife that her being overweight disgusts you and then you wonder why she does not want to have sex with a man who finds her disgusting.
> Buddy she isn't under your command,stand down soldier.


No where in his post did he say that. If you want to offer help, it helps to read and be informed. 

As for my opinion, unless and until she hits bottom, she won't change. If you want to save your marriage, see a lawyer, separate your finances and prepare divorce papers. Have her served. Let her know that if she changes and becomes a real wife, then she can save the marriage. Otherwise, hasta la vista baby. Then she'll have hit bottom.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Terribly sorry for your troubles. 

Do you ever think back to anything that might of happened 3 years ago when things began to change? 
A death of a loved one? Or something similar that might have cause some emotional pain to your wife? 

The first problem won't be solved until the second one is. 
You could try some counseling yourself to work on your communication skills/empathy and ask your wife then to go through with MC. 

Your wife is likely depressed, maybe she knows why but feels discussing the issues with you would be harmful, like maybe she thinks that you would be dismissive of her feelings? 

Do you feel like you have all the solutions to her problems? 
Saying certain things to a depressed person like, "eat right and do exercise and you'll be fine" sometimes isn't the right way. 
So it could be why she shuts down conversations with you about her weight. 

It may take a little while longer than you except for things to get better, but sometimes you have to look at yourself and your own issues that could be affecting the marriage and then she can look at hers, then you can work on them together as a team. 







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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

23cm said:


> No where in his post did he say that. If you want to offer help, it helps to read and be informed.
> 
> As for my opinion, unless and until she hits bottom, she won't change. If you want to save your marriage, see a lawyer, separate your finances and prepare divorce papers. Have her served. Let her know that if she changes and becomes a real wife, then she can save the marriage. Otherwise, hasta la vista baby. Then she'll have hit bottom.


In his post the op said I have always made it very clear that I detest obese people.Maybe you try reading the post and helping instead of proposing the nuclear option.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> In his post the op said I have always made it very clear that I detest obese people.Maybe you try reading the post and helping instead of proposing the nuclear option.


 @Andy1001 

Actually that's not at all what he said. You might want to read it again more carefully.

" Before we were married, I made it very clear of my thoughts of personal fitness and while I’ll openly admit it’s probably a shallow point of view, I frankly detest obese people. "

See it's a two part sentence. He stated that he has in fact made it clear what he thought about personal fitness, and then in the second part of the sentence he states that he detests obese people. It's one of those past/present things that may just throw a casual reader for a loop.

You're welcome.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

EternalPatriot said:


> While I appreciate the suggestions so far, I think there may be more to the solution than simple acceptance. I say this because a good friend of mine mentioned to me not long ago that she and her husband are going through a similar, almost identical situation. In her situation, she has gone well out of the way to try and make him understand how much she still loves and appreciates him but has received little in return. She is a fitness expert and has been trying to help her husband with his lifestyle changes and assist where possible in helping him lose weight and eat right. In response, he apparently closes in even tighter. Prior to the weight gain, he too slowly began to show less and less interest in her.
> 
> In the end, our stories are similar in that we both want things to be like they were in the past. Yet, somewhere, something changed.
> 
> For me, there have been several times where we have discussed these issues and when she responded, I have very excited to encourage and helped wherever possible. However, as mentioned, this only lasts for a short while and then things return to where they are now. At this point, it's hard to be encouraging when I have a difficult time believing that it will be any different than the multiple occasions in the recent past.


I spent my first fifteen years married destroying the trust my wife had in me because I set expectations exactly as you are now, die-hard dress right dress, ready, front. My wife fell out of love with me at year 7, planned to stay with me until the kids left the house... I almost lost them all because of my type-A military (over)bearing. 

I've spent the last ten doing everything in my ability to rebuild that... still married and it has been an awakening in all the damage I've caused, a hard lesson in humility in accepting all the troubles, but it took acceptance to open the doors I needed because nothing is permanent, not even the troubles we create.

The Buddha said "In our lives, change is unavoidable, loss is unavoidable. In the adaptability and ease with which we experience change lies our happiness and freedom".

Your military mind has trained you differently sir, your wife is a different audience than your soldiers, they cannot be treated the same without loss.

Things are always in change... whether we are the cause or the effect, it's how we promote the positive that builds people up or the negative breaks them down.

You won't "command" this love and closeness back... but good leaders are also good followers, can you step back and show her that you truly understand what your part in this has done?

Our lives are forever changing, our growing with them is up to us.


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## EternalPatriot (Jan 4, 2017)

After all the comments so far, I think I probably should have better worded my OP. While I'm very much a black/white, right/wrong type of person, I know well enough that such a personality doesn't necessarily blend well outside the walls of my unit. I learned a number of years ago to leave the unit at the unit but I'll admit that I sometimes fail in this area. Where I said that I "detest obese people" I should have said that I detest the lifestyle, the excuses people make for not being willing to take response for their actions or the lack thereof. That may be harsh, but I have never approached the topic in such a way with my family. Regardless, my wife is well aware of my thoughts on the topic.

What troubles me in our situation is that her lifestyle isn't caused because of an illness it is her choice not to do something about it. This choice has lead to several medical conditions which now threaten to get worse if something doesn't change. Her Dr. has specifically mentioned that in order to overcome one of her current conditions, she must lose the weight and change to a healthier diet. For some reason, she's chosen not to follow this guidance.

Some of you have suggested that I be more sympathetic and I'll admit, that for the first year or so, I honestly was. I really just tried to be the encouraging support for whatever was needed. Now, after almost three years, being sympathetic is much more difficult when I see that instead of doing anything to change, she's continued down the same road that brought her to where we are now. Am I to take some of the blame? Sure, I'm not going to say that I'm all roses and bunnies to live with but I will mention that I've never tried to hide who I am. In fact, I went to great lengths before we were married to make sure we agreed on the same top core values.

For some reason, we're just not on the same road anymore and I wish I knew why or what may have caused it. Up until about three years ago, we were almost always eye-to-eye on things.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

EternalPatriot said:


> Her Dr. has specifically mentioned that in order to overcome one of her current conditions, she must lose the weight and change to a healthier diet. For some reason, she's chosen not to follow this guidance.


That's because as far as she's concerned...

"It's metabolic".


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

EternalPatriot said:


> After all the comments so far, I think I probably should have better worded my OP. While I'm very much a black/white, right/wrong type of person, I know well enough that such a personality doesn't necessarily blend well outside the walls of my unit. I learned a number of years ago to leave the unit at the unit but I'll admit that I sometimes fail in this area. Where I said that I "detest obese people" I should have said that I detest the lifestyle, the excuses people make for not being willing to take response for their actions or the lack thereof. That may be harsh, but I have never approached the topic in such a way with my family. Regardless, my wife is well aware of my thoughts on the topic.
> 
> What troubles me in our situation is that her lifestyle isn't caused because of an illness it is her choice not to do something about it. This choice has lead to several medical conditions which now threaten to get worse if something doesn't change. Her Dr. has specifically mentioned that in order to overcome one of her current conditions, she must lose the weight and change to a healthier diet. For some reason, she's chosen not to follow this guidance.
> 
> ...


You two have no communication! SOMETHING has caused her to no longer trust you with her thoughts and feelings. THINK about it.


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## EternalPatriot (Jan 4, 2017)

I honestly don't know. During that time, I received a new assignment which was a huge strain on the family and required me to be available 24/7. It was terrible as she too had to play the role of the "friendly" Family Support Group member and work with a number of VIPs. We both hated it but I don't think that would have caused the current situation.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

EternalPatriot said:


> Where I said that I "detest obese people" I should have said that I detest the lifestyle, the excuses people make for not being willing to take response for their actions or the lack thereof. That may be harsh, but I have never approached the topic in such a way with my family. Regardless, my wife is well aware of my thoughts on the topic.


Then she is well aware of your disappointments...

You set the task, the condition and the standard... she is a no-go at this station of yours.

She must hurt at the comparisons...



EternalPatriot said:


> What troubles me in our situation is that her lifestyle isn't caused because of an illness it is her choice not to do something about it. This choice has lead to several medical conditions which now threaten to get worse if something doesn't change. Her Dr. has specifically mentioned that in order to overcome one of her current conditions, she must lose the weight and change to a healthier diet. For some reason, she's chosen not to follow this guidance.


Her choice is reflective of what she feels at the moment... when we feel abandoned, the heart goes first and we compensate with any means we can.



EternalPatriot said:


> Some of you have suggested that I be more sympathetic and I'll admit, that for the first year or so, I honestly was. I really just tried to be the encouraging support for whatever was needed. Now, after almost three years, being sympathetic is much more difficult when I see that instead of doing anything to change, she's continued down the same road that brought her to where we are now. Am I to take some of the blame? Sure, I'm not going to say that I'm all roses and bunnies to live with but I will mention that I've never tried to hide who I am. In fact, I went to great lengths before we were married to make sure we agreed on the same top core values.
> 
> For some reason, we're just not on the same road anymore and I wish I knew why or what may have caused it. Up until about three years ago, we were almost always eye-to-eye on things.


It is a mistake, fallacy really, to think a person would remain the same person during their entire life time. Moment by moment, we change... every moment. What is real is the existing moment sir, regardless of your great lengths to align things perfectly that moment passed you like every moment since. Life does not fit into a field manual... and neither will your marriage.

You speak of compassion and sympathy... but I do not hear of any empathy, is it possible for you to have these in a way that benefits her needs over yours?

Understanding weakness with all those is true understanding, you cannot love and judge at the same time.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

EternalPatriot said:


> I honestly don't know. During that time, I received a new assignment which was a huge strain on the family and required me to be available 24/7. It was terrible as she too had to play the role of the "friendly" Family Support Group member and work with a number of VIPs. We both hated it but I don't think that would have caused the current situation.


You appear looking for the logic... you may have to look differently.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

It's simple. He doesn't want a fatty wife. Fit guys that care about taking care of their bodies usually don't like obese girls. That's OK. 

He needs to have a tough conversation with his wife. He either sees improvement before a certain date or he prepares to divorce and find a mate that he can be happy with.

I feel for you. My ex wife was fat after she let herself go. Was it my fault? Sure, I'll take 50% of the blame. But I sure wasn't going to waste my one life with her when there are millions of other hot women out there. My eye opener was taking my kids to school and seeing how hot some of those moms were.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@EternalPatriot,

How long have you and your wife been married? 

How many times have you moved your family for an assignment?

You mentioned your wife having to work with 'vips'. Is she also career military? 

How much weight has she gained? When did the weight gain start? Over what period of time? 



Sent from my phone using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EternalPatriot said:


> So my situation is mainly a two-part question where I’m not really sure where to turn or what action I should take at this point. I apologize up front for the length of my comments here but I wanted to not only make sure I covered everything for the best answer possible but also to help me focus on my feelings as well. With that, here goes…
> 
> I’ve been married now for over 10 years and I’ll honestly state that most of that time has been great! Unfortunately, this all began to change about three years ago and now I I’m uncertain if life will ever go back to the way it used to be.
> 
> ...


Does your wife look anything like this?









No? 

So please do not mistake her for a soldier.

Once you have that cleared up, then perhaps progress can be made.

It's a problem I have come across before when a member of the armed forces or a veteran mistakes their spouse for a regiment of soldiers.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

EternalPatriot said:


> So my situation is mainly a two-part question where I’m not really sure where to turn or what action I should take at this point. I apologize up front for the length of my comments here but I wanted to not only make sure I covered everything for the best answer possible but also to help me focus on my feelings as well. With that, here goes…
> 
> I’ve been married now for over 10 years and I’ll honestly state that most of that time has been great! Unfortunately, this all began to change about three years ago and now I I’m uncertain if life will ever go back to the way it used to be.
> 
> ...


FTR, retired Soldier here.

One question:

What did she say when you told her the above quoted text?


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> It's simple. He doesn't want a fatty wife. Fit guys that care about taking care of their bodies usually don't like obese girls. That's OK.
> 
> He needs to have a tough conversation with his wife. He either sees improvement before a certain date or he prepares to divorce and find a mate that he can be happy with.
> 
> I feel for you. My ex wife was fat after she let herself go. Was it my fault? Sure, I'll take 50% of the blame. But I sure wasn't going to waste my one life with her when there are millions of other hot women out there. My eye opener was taking my kids to school and seeing how hot some of those moms were.




As much as I did find your views humorous I have to also say....all those hot moms at school lose their charm in the end, no one can stay eternally beautiful, that's why when we fall in love we should fall in love for the right reasons, not just the physical appearance of a person, because when you are madly in love with someone for who they are what they look like won't matter because we are so in love with who they are. the ageing process hits us all so to be so concerned about looks isn't the right attitude to have. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

EternalPatriot said:


> My concern is that I fully understand that people can change due to only two situations:
> 
> 1. They feel compelled by an outside force and so they make token changes to appease the situation while never really changing the core personality or belief system.
> 
> 2. They feel a real desire to become more than they were the day before and as such, make a stern determination to change who they are.



To quote my mother, "people don't change--never expect them to or you will be disappointed"

So far she is statistically correct (99%+)

Also, as a life long fat ass, I can tell you that a healthy weight is easier for some people than it is for others. Just like math is easier for some people than others. I don't care what you think of me for saying this and I will spare the anecdotes of my life--not about me anyway. But my point is that you might be asking her to something that is of course possible, but much more difficult than it would be for you and that you even realize. 

I am not saying you should accept her weight issues but thats what you have to decide You must agree together on what is important. And if you can't, and this is a deal breaker for you, give an ultimatum or just leave her.

It is lousy thing to do to her, it is superficial, and certainly self centered, but then you sucking it up for lifetime isn't a good outcome either.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

turnera said:


> That's what I figured. Guess what women tend to do when living with type-A men?
> 
> Withdraw. Protect themselves. Stop sharing. Stop being honest. Get depressed. Lose self-worth. Binge eat.
> 
> This isn't her issue.


You mean it isn't _entirely_ her issue, right?

Because he isn't holding the fork...nor determining the serving size...nor the selection of food...right?

OP, her issue is clearly with food.

Yours is with control.

The hardest thing about being a military leader is realizing your control stops when you leave closeout formation and enter your home.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I think the point people are missing is that is not only about appearance. It is also about respect.

The OP clearly does not respect the way his wife has chosen to care for her body. It is no different than one who does not take care of their finances, their possessions, etc.

That said, you can't put her on a weight control program.

All you can do is communicate your feelings, and accept what she chooses to do about it. Acceptance may mean divorce. Weight the costs and benefits, and decide accordingly.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

My H is a military vet. Let me tell you, the tough guy act and lack of empathy gets old. 

I don't think you're shallow for finding fat unattractive. I'm personally not into overweight men at all. I put a lot of effort to stay in shape. I look for the same in a partner. So I get that. 

But you acknowledge that you suck at communication, compassion and understanding. My guess is there is underlying resentment from your wife due to this, which has pushed her away. She doesn't try to lose the weight because she doesn't care if it bothers you. Which is evident since you live as roommates, as you said. 

Maybe you need MC to get to the bottom of the resentment. For me, my husband's lack of empathy and "toughen up soldier" attitude pushes me away every time.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And fwiw, every time my H pushes me to do things his way, I purposely choose to do the opposite. Just to spite him. When if he would have just tried to see MY side of things without shaming me or guilting me, I'd be happy to work as a TEAM. But he doesn't, so neither do I.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

turnera said:


> And fwiw, every time my H pushes me to do things his way, I purposely choose to do the opposite. Just to spite him. When if he would have just tried to see MY side of things without shaming me or guilting me, I'd be happy to work as a TEAM. But he doesn't, so neither do I.


Sounds like a great marriage/life!!! So jealous!! /rollseyes

Divorce is the answer to 90% of the relationship issues out there. Life is too short to put up with crap.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> Sounds like a great marriage/life!!! So jealous!! /rollseyes
> 
> Divorce is the answer to 90% of the relationship issues out there. Life is too short to put up with crap.


Especially the "crap" we bring to it, not nearly enough self-divorce from the things that thwart our growth. /does not roll eyes :smile2:
@EternalPatriot, we all strive for clarity, how you choose to accept or remove the things that affirm how you see your wife is all you... she is worth more than an assessment of fitness (not a judgement of you, just respect for her struggles and path) and Far is right, only you can decide the value you place on things. 

Peace be with you as you navigate your path....


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Eternal,

So far - I'd say your communication has been good. Clear, sincere and consistent. 

It's likely very hard for her to discuss this with you given that:
- As a type A person she likely dislikes her own behavior
- She is fully aware of how you feel about this stuff

Tough thing is that many type A folks are competitive. And she doesn't just see you 'winning' this fitness competition, she sees you totally crushing her. I am not suggesting you are competing with her. I'm telling you that she is very likely comparing the two of you and it's likely making her - mad at you. Your discipline and fitness are highlighting her lack of those things. 

This may not be fixable. 




EternalPatriot said:


> Is there a "safe" way to ask the question without hurting her feelings? See, as an extreme type-A personality, communication skills are definitely not on my top 10 list of great abilities.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I second the question, how much weight has your wife gained ?


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## EternalPatriot (Jan 4, 2017)

MEM2020 said:


> Eternal,
> 
> Tough thing is that many type A folks are competitive. And she doesn't just see you 'winning' this fitness competition, she sees you totally crushing her. I am not suggesting you are competing with her. I'm telling you that she is very likely comparing the two of you and it's likely making her - mad at you. Your discipline and fitness are highlighting her lack of those things.
> 
> This may not be fixable.


What sometimes surprises me is that she'll mention that she'd like to perhaps, go to the gym together as a couple. Of course, I'm all for this as I know it will not only help her physically, but exercise and diet can do wonders for mental clarity. Unfortunately, when the time comes to actually "do" something, she withdraws with a comment along the lines of how she's not interested in training with weights so she'll just find something else. Something else, never really happens. It's hard as I've done so much research over the years that I know what will help and what won't but she won't even consider what I've learned or even researching the topic herself.

As an alternative, she suggested she would go with a friend of hers once their schedules aligned. Her friend, while a great person, has always been obese. I may be wrong but I learned long ago that If you want to improve in an area, you find an expect in that area and absorb every bit of information you can from them. Asking someone in bankruptcy for advice on retirement planning isn't the best of ideas. 




Livvie said:


> I second the question, how much weight has your wife gained ?


Well, I don't check the scale but I know she weighs more than me and I'm 6'1" and 193lbs. In the last three years, I will guess that she's gone from about 150 to 200ish. She's also very tall at 6'0".


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I have to say, that at 6 feet tall and around 200 pounds she isn't that terribly overweight.


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## EternalPatriot (Jan 4, 2017)

Livvie said:


> I have to say, that at 6 feet tall and around 200 pounds she isn't that terribly overweight.


Quick math, that's about 30%+ body fat which is substantial. Anything over about 25% and you can start to run into health problems.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Has her doctor run a complete thyroid panel, not to be mistaken for the standard panel?

Also, according to the info I've looked at, a woman standing 6 ft with a medium frame should weigh about 150-170. With a large frame, about 170-180.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

If this change came on suddenly then something must have triggered it. Have you done anything that could have any part in her binge eating/shutting down? Flirting? Porn? Physical Affair? Emotional Affair? And how often does your conversations turn into ones about weight and health? My ex constantly wanted to "help me get healthy" so EVERY conversation turned into one about my weight or choices or food consumption a etc. I left him point blank a very long time ago and my now husband of 10 years encourages me everyday to be healthy just because I love him. Tally up how many times you bring up this stuff, because she will shut you out if she thinks every time you look at her all you see is a fat lazy person. I know I would. I've been struggling with weight since the birth of our first child our daughter 7 years ago, up and down. And not ONCE has my husband even insinuated that I don't look amazing. He supports my choice to get healthy, but is never over bearing with it. Good Luck to you, but be aware that she is emotionally disconnecting herself from you, and it's not for no reason. SOMETHING is causing her to disconnect.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's what I keep saying, but he's not biting. Still only wants to change HER.


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

I speak from experience...my first wife was like yours. She was large although not overly fat. What she was was disrespectful and self-centered. She wanted to do what she wanted to do and the devil take anyone else's desires or interests. Over time, she developed her own interests and hobbies--singing and theater; and not only would she not consider participating in mine--outdoors activities--she would mock them. Classic bait and switch as when we were dating, she'd happily play Ms. LLBean.

While she wasn't overly fat, she was was not really as attractive as she had been while dating and she was unhealthy and wouldn't do anything to change habits and certainly wouldn't darken the doorway of a gym. I was and am fit.

In the end, I wish I'd had the advice I gave you earlier, and what some detractors have called the nuclear option. That is she'll only change her addictive behaviors of eating and her disrespect when she sees that not only do you NOT LIKE it, but that you won't put up with it at all--when she hits bottom. You need to separate finances, talk to a lawyer and have papers drawn up. Have her served and tell her it's up to her to save the marriage. If she changes, you can stop proceedings, or remarry her. 

Don't end up like me staying for 12 years after the marriage is a sham while waiting for the last kid to go off to college. You only get one life and giving it up for a unrepentant disrespectful and belligerent spouse-in-name-only is the equivalent of psychological suicide.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

turnera said:


> That's what I keep saying, but he's not biting. Still only wants to change HER.


I agree... a moment of self-reflection will provide a dynamic and powerful influence on the choices one makes in our relationship, the problem faced is the trained mind to overlook such feelings in place of immediate action.

If he cannot separate, he will lose this battle.


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## EternalPatriot (Jan 4, 2017)

To the point, these topics almost never come up in conversation. I'm fully aware she's struggling right now and have no desire to make matters worse, only help fix the problem. As such, I don't even discuss them and just go about life as normal. I have never once made a derogatory remark about her health, only offered to help when she brought up the topic. I've taught fitness long enough to understand that unless someone truly wants to improve, until is becomes a core motivator, nothing will change. Trust me, I hate taking supplements, going to the gym each day, not eating cheesecake, etc. At the end, I hate the idea of being out of shape and sick more.

As for what caused the change, I don't know if it was the stress of our work, the continued medical problems of our child during that period of time, or something else. While I have many flaws, I'm not the type of person that would flirt with infidelity, nor am I someone who results to anger or abuse to resolve problems. The only other thing I can think of is that she's suffered from a continued trending problem with her family to the point where she rarely speaks with them anymore. She used to be very close to her siblings but over the years these relationships have soured significantly.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The key to this situation is you getting to know your wife better.


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## EternalPatriot (Jan 4, 2017)

23cm said:


> In the end, I wish I'd had the advice I gave you earlier, and what some detractors have called the nuclear option. That is she'll only change her addictive behaviors of eating and her disrespect when she sees that not only do you NOT LIKE it, but that you won't put up with it at all--when she hits bottom. You need to separate finances, talk to a lawyer and have papers drawn up. Have her served and tell her it's up to her to save the marriage. If she changes, you can stop proceedings, or remarry her.


While I don't really understand what all you went through in your relationship, I'm honestly not at this point as I feel things can be repaired and frankly, I don't want to see her hit rock bottom. I've known friends who have tried to climb back up from this point and in most cases, they never do.



turnera said:


> The key to this situation is you getting to know your wife better.


You're probably right. It will be a very awkward conversation. Perhaps I can just volunteer for another deployment and solve the problem by pretending it doesn't exist... :wink2:


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

EternalPatriot said:


> To the point, these topics almost never come up in conversation. I'm fully aware she's struggling right now and have no desire to make matters worse, only help fix the problem. As such, I don't even discuss them and just go about life as normal. I have never once made a derogatory remark about her health, only offered to help when she brought up the topic. I've taught fitness long enough to understand that unless someone truly wants to improve, until is becomes a core motivator, nothing will change. Trust me, I hate taking supplements, going to the gym each day, not eating cheesecake, etc. At the end, I hate the idea of being out of shape and sick more.


I know your job at the moment is to be the fittest you can possibly be, deployable and combat ready... but that is about you, honorably so and as a fellow veteran I appreciate you for that because you are carrying the torch for us who have served before and a grateful nation, one does not hold your wife to that standard.

All things within moderation... my wife is in health-care administration, people in perfect health fail from fatal ailments all the time... several of my fittest friends have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, two died from heart attacks, one from cancer, none of them smoked or drank, several successful tri-athletes, seems my heavier friends are living longer and with fewer visits to the doctor, their acceptance is moderation-based for sure.

I have accepted I will never be my "fighting-best" as I was in my prime when I left the service. I maintained it a couple years, but it, like life, changed to a measured acceptance.

We all have limitations, it's simply part of being human... failure comes in life, especially relationships, and there are times we cannot do anything about it and simply need to accept it.

With that failure, comes compassion and humility... when we have it for others, empathy. These lessons will be needed when the time comes to separate/retire from service, an employer will love your strength, but unless you lead a team of veterans in your next career, those around you will tire quickly of your commanding approach if you cannot touch their hearts as well as sound leadership.

This I have learned the hard way.



EternalPatriot said:


> As for what caused the change, I don't know if it was the stress of our work, the continued medical problems of our child during that period of time, or something else. While I have many flaws, I'm not the type of person that would flirt with infidelity, nor am I someone who results to anger or abuse to resolve problems. The only other thing I can think of is that she's suffered from a continued trending problem with her family to the point where she rarely speaks with them anymore. She used to be very close to her siblings but over the years these relationships have soured significantly.



"Alone" is a hard feeling to shake... have you asked her if she feels alone and unaccepted?

I asked my wife this after my first series of PTSD counseling with an incredible guide to place compassion and empathy back into my life... I was crushed with her answer.

I can only share with you my journey and experiences, I know this song, changing the beat is not enough... you may need to learn a new dance. Her heart needs to be touched more than ever, the choice is yours.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Um...I'm not talking about a conversation. 

I'm talking about you changing your attitude and your intentions. About you starting to try to empathize, put yourself in her shoes, try to understand what the marriage looks like from HER viewpoint, see whether she has taken some hits from you in the past and whether that now colors her interactions with you. 

You talk about her family but you sound like you really don't know all that much about what she thinks or how she feels about it. IMO, that's because you're no longer her safe place. Whenever I would talk about a problem I had to my H, his response? To tell me how much worse HE had it. How his problems are bigger. He's the one suffering, not me. Or he would tell me what I was doing wrong. Or tell me how HE would do it. Or just talk over me. So I just stopped sharing anything with him. And that's on HIM, not me (yes, I've told him many times that I do this and why).

I'm suggesting that you don't really know what your wife's thinking or feeling because somewhere along the way, your type-A personality drove her underground. And she does just enough to get by without issues. Like the weight thing. Talk about it now and then to shut you up, but not sharing what she really thinks about why she's binge-eating. Not if it involves you.

You can't make her want something. But you CAN change how YOU interact with her so that you become her safe place and she feels safe sharing her thoughts and feels safe having conversations about things like weight without expecting recrimination or guilt or assumptions or condescension - and WANTS to please you like she probably once did. Only then will you be able to have any sort of real conversation. 

And that won't happen overnight. And it requires a LOT of contemplation on your part, hard work to really see your marriage from her point of view. And a lot of humility. Which I haven't seen much of yet.

ETA: Emerging Buddhist is saying the same thing: empathy and humility, to achieve your goals.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

But why isn't she talking to YOU. Outside family drama (mother father etc) shouldn't stop her from talking to YOU. You know what I mean? You said she won't discuss her sessions with you and drops/changes the subject etc, why? It's not.iklness, other family, etc. It has something to do with you specifically. If I had major family drama and developed eating disorders and the like the FIRST person I would talk to would be my husband. We would talk about every session and I would love for him to come along to one with me. I'm telling you Hun, there is something deeper going on here about you and her specifically, even if you don't see it.


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## EternalPatriot (Jan 4, 2017)

After some advice, I was directed to the Marriage Builders website which, after reading through much of the information listed, clearly looks like a good source to help put us back on track. I requires answering the "tough" questions in order to find out the core problems and then find an effective way to address them. It also mentions that the first step should be focused on building or restoring the love within the relationship before and individual problems can be resolved. From what I've seen so far, this is what we need to be doing.

With that being said, I'm going to sit down with her and discuss everything I found and then see where things go.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds good. I would advise you, however, to steer clear of the forums there. They are run by a group of women who maintain control in very unsavory ways and if you don't abide by their rules, dislike who they want you to dislike, you will find yourself ganged up on. BTDT, as have countless other people.

I would like to suggest that you instead look at marriageadvocates.com, which was founded on the same premise but was created by those very same outcasts who were kicked out of MB for refusing to walk lockstep. They are MUCH more open to varying opinions than MB is. For example, on MB, you're not even allowed to mention other forums, since MB is the only 'true' forum, and people have been banned simply for doing so. Marriage Advocates uses Dr. Harley's material and expands on it with help from other ideas for improving marriages. And the people there are top notch.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Walking together is good. You can wear a weight vest or carry hand weights (heavy hands or dumb bells) to make it more of a workout for you. 

Walking is also a good synchronization activity. But the conversations during walking need to be - enjoyable for her - or she won't keep doing it. 

M2 and I walk together often. I use heavy hands. We also play racquetball - which we both love. 

At the gym - when I suggest a strength training session after r-ball, she usually says yes. 

Part of that 'reflexive' yes - is based on the generally high level of synchronization from all the other stuff we do. 

I get that - walking - isn't nearly as efficient as other types of exercise. But here's the thing - I approach all this from the angle that - I want M2 to WANT to workout with me. 




EternalPatriot said:


> After some advice, I was directed to the Marriage Builders website which, after reading through much of the information listed, clearly looks like a good source to help put us back on track. I requires answering the "tough" questions in order to find out the core problems and then find an effective way to address them. It also mentions that the first step should be focused on building or restoring the love within the relationship before and individual problems can be resolved. From what I've seen so far, this is what we need to be doing.
> 
> With that being said, I'm going to sit down with her and discuss everything I found and then see where things go.


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

EP,
I wrote the post below nearly 3 years ago on TAM. 

My wife continues to have health issues due to her weight. My father is now dead from you guessed it, heart disease due to obesity(he died before he hit 70). A lot of posters here are trying to pin this on you. It really doesn't matter if you're the nicest most understanding husband in the world or an a-hole. Your wife will not lose weight until she wants to. I've tried everything to get my wife to lose weight.....cook, clean, weight watchers, jenny craig, atkins, walk/workout together...... heck I even offered to buy her a car! We joined the local YMCA, kids and I went, she was always too tired(and all of us begged her to go). Nothing worked and nothing will work until she decides it's important to her. At this point I fully expect to be a widower in the next 10-15 years. 

You can't change others, you can only change yourself and what you'll accept. Whatever you decide, make peace with it and move forward. 




_3 years ago my father was out hunting. Shot a deer and was pulling it out of the woods when he had a heart attack. He didn't have a cell phone on him and he was hunting alone. He pretty much crawled/staggered out of the woods. Got to his truck and drove himself to the hospital....he's a tough guy. He was in bad shape so the local hospital had him airlifted 60 miles to a special cardiac unit....he had some stents put in and was lucky to be alive.

I got to the hospital late that night. Talked to the Doc, he said he was lucky, really lucky.....once in a lifetime lucky. My father was 5'10" 275, Doc said he needed to drop the weight NOW! Change his eating habits and lifestyle or he wouldn't last 5 years.

My old man was upset, said he'd change, told all of us he was sorry for what he put us through......thanked god for the second chance. Today he's 5'10" and weighs......you guessed it 275!


My wife because of her weight has had back problems for the last probably 5 years. Has to go in for cortisone shots every once in a while. Her doctor told her she needs to lose weight.....she hasn't lost a pound and in fact has continued to gain weight.


Now both of these people who I dearly love don't have depression or mental ailments. They don't have underlying problems that prevent them from changing their lifestyle. My wife and father both know that their weight is endangering their health. 

I've tried the soft approach. I've tried the hard approach. I've even had the break down in tears in front of them approach. Guess what? Nothing has worked because they don't want to change.

All this hint hint wink wink beat around the bush talk is nonsense. Your wife knows she's fat. You can try everything in your power. Maybe god and devil will join hands with you and tell your wife she needs to lose weight. But NOTHING is going to happen until SHE wants to lose the weight. You need to come to this realization, some people are happy with the way they are. 

Your dilemma and what's eating you up is can you continue to live this way?_


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## SeattleWill (Aug 8, 2018)

EternalPatriot said:


> While I appreciate the suggestions so far, I think there may be more to the solution than simple acceptance. I say this because a good friend of mine mentioned to me not long ago that she and her husband are going through a similar, almost identical situation. In her situation, she has gone well out of the way to try and make him understand how much she still loves and appreciates him but has received little in return. She is a fitness expert and has been trying to help her husband with his lifestyle changes and assist where possible in helping him lose weight and eat right. In response, he apparently closes in even tighter. Prior to the weight gain, he too slowly began to show less and less interest in her.
> 
> In the end, our stories are similar in that we both want things to be like they were in the past. Yet, somewhere, something changed.
> 
> For me, there have been several times where we have discussed these issues and when she responded, I have very excited to encourage and helped wherever possible. However, as mentioned, this only lasts for a short while and then things return to where they are now. At this point, it's hard to be encouraging when I have a difficult time believing that it will be any different than the multiple occasions in the recent past.


You don’t live your wife so just divorce her. No one wants conditional live. If you cannot love her for who she is instead of how she looks, let her go. She deserves better.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@EternalPatriot, any updates? How are things going?


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