# Suspicion about wife secretly talking to an "ex."



## Igivehereverything (Jan 23, 2013)

****This is a bit lengthy so thank you to all who will take the time to read this.****

I've spoken to a friend of mine about this but I feel his opinon is biased because we are close friends. I would really feel better if I had a third party's opinion and advice. Even better another womans input. 

Here goes.... 

Me and my wife have been together 1 1/2 years, married for 6 months. Up until all this I've always been the type to leave her little surprises for her to find. One night when I arrived home from work she was asleep. I noticed her iPad was on the coffee and I decided to leave her note on her notepad to find later on whenever she did. When I opened the iPad her facebook app was open with a message from "Michael." I knew that Michael went to the same middle school as she and I. The message said that he was surprised to see her married now and congratulated her. Michael also state in his message that he "messed up" and thought he and she would end up together. From what I saw my wife never responded. I wished I had never saw this message because it caused me to become bothered. I waited a few days and my wife never mentioned anything about receieving the message from Michael. I can't recall how it came up but another few days later his name came up in discussion. I was told by my wife that she and Michael had a sexual relationship when she was about 16. She went on to tell me that they never dated, and never were an official couple Another couple of days passed and Michael text my wife telling her that he saw me out driving. My wife called me and told me that he had text her saying that he saw me. I guess she could hear the change of tone in my voice because I was upset once I found out that she and him still have one anothers phone numbers and apparently text. I knew I couldn't hid the fact that I saw the facebook message so I just told her right there on the phone. I was afraid she would think I was snooping in on her which wasn't the case. We talked about it and were able to resolve the argument at the moment. During the conversation at that time, she told me that she does not initiate conversation with him and that he is the one who always initiates the conversation. So after seeing the facebook message, learning that they still have eachothers phone numbers, and that some sort of contact still exists between the two of them, I became worried and a bit more suspicious. It left me knowing that Michael still seems to care for my wife and wishes that he would have ended up with her. Because of this I became worry of him. 

This really isnt related but does play a role in the current situation I think. After the above mentioned instances, I had got a new phone. My old phone was given to her 4 year old son to play games on. I guess one day when she was at home, she went through all the old text messages on that phone. One conversation was from a friend of mine names Samantha, whom my wife knows. Samantha has been brought up prior to this and my wife actually befriended Samantha on facebook. I had an ex before my wife who Samantha knew and did not like because she felt that my ex did not treat me well. Samantha was excited about me meeting my wife and said several nice things to my wife on her facebook page. Commenting on how beautiful my wife is and how happy she was to see me married to my wife. 

Back to the conversation. Samantha had text me one day after me and my wife got married asking me if my ex had recently had a baby. I had know idea about this and didn't care to know either. I responded this way to Samantha in the text message and she never responded back. That was the end of the conversation. I never deleted the conversation because I didn't feel that there was something to try and hid. I also did not tell my wife that she did text me though. Maybe that was my mistake for not telling her but I really didnt think it was something that needed to be carried out any further.

My wife became upset after seeing this conversation and argued that I should have told her that Samantha text her. My wife then started comparing the Michael facebook message to the Samantha text. My wife made a remark that I thought it was ok for me not to tell her about Samantha texting me but not ok for her to not tell me about Michael sending her the facebook message. We got thru this argument and moved on.

On night I was sitting next to my wife in the living room. She was lying on her back on the couch with her phone on her chest. It started ringing and she picked it up to see who was calling. Michael. I saw this but she wasn't sure if I did. It seemed as though she quickly ignored the phone call and looked back at me to see if I saw. After seeing that I did, she showed me the incoming call which said Michael. After the first call. Michael immediately called her a second time. At this point I just told her to answer it. She did and I could hear what he was telling her because I was so close to her. He said he was just driving home and was thinking about her. My wife told him that she was at home watching TV next to me. The way she said it made it sound like she wanted to let him know that this was not a good time for him to call because I was next to her. I could hear him then tell her that he would talk to her later and hung up. After this we had a conversation because there was some obvious tension in the air. I told her how I felt about him and that I knew he still cared about him which worried me. My wife told me that she and him have always carried out a friendship after they "hooked up" if you would. My wife said she felt that he was having a hard time adjusting to the fact that she was now married. I guess I made the assumption that she had since limited their communication after we got married. I don't know if that was the case or not. That evening after he called, I did not tell her that I wanted her to stop speaking with him, which maybe I should have. I felt that I did make it clear tho, that I was upset and hurt that they were communicating. The way my wife reacted to his phone call that evening made me even more suspicious. At that moment I felt as though there was something more to it than she was telling me. 

My suspicions grew more and more over time. To the point where I became obsessed about knowing if they still communicate. One night I did something that I am not proud of and I got Michael's number from her phone. I noted it and kept it for my own record later. At this point we both have the same cell phone account with both our lines now under one plan. I decided to check her phone call/text history and discovered a few text messages sent to and from Michael as well as two 15 minute phone calls. From what I remember, it looked like Michael initiated the texts/calls. This was about mid December. About two weeks ago, I was working and my wife called me we met up at a gas station. My wife told me she was going to the gym from there. I had to get back to work and my wife told me to call her so she could tell me something regarding her sister. We left and I text her about 2 minutes later. No response. I decided i'll just call her because I was supposed to anyway. When I called I asked her if she received my text. My wife said her phone was on the car charger and she did not receive the text because of this. I brushed it off and went on with the evening. That same night I checked her phone call log and saw something that made me pretty furious. The call log showed that as soon we departed from the gas station, SHE made a phone call to Michael. A minute later she recieved my text, according to the log. Then my phone call another minute or so later. After our phone call. She calles Michael back a second time. Both calls were for about 10 minutes or so. I became so upset because it was pretty evident that she lied about not getting my text because she was actually on the phone with Michael. The second thing that bothered me so much was that SHE initiated the phone calls. Which is very contradicting to what she told me in the past. 

I later checked her phone itself and saw that she had been deleting the text messages to and from him and the phone call history. All her other phone calls and texts were left untouched. This told me that she was intentionally hiding the fact that she has been communicating with him. 

Yesterday my wife told me that after she would pick up her son from school, she wanted to speak to our neighbors because she sells nutritional supplements. My wife told me she was going to do this before she had to get ready to go to church later in the afternoon/evening. Last night at work I checked the phone call log again and saw a 30 minute conversation which she initiated to Michael. I called her in between this not knowing of course, just to simply say hi while I was at work. After she hung up with me she called him a second time for another 5 minutes. The log later showed that she initiated text messages to him at around 05:30 PM which is when she would be getting ready to leave the house. After I saw this I became even more upset. 

All these emotions are running through my mind. I feel that she has been untruthful to me about all this and that she is covering it up for a reason. I also feel emotionally scarred because I have given her everything I possibly can. Financially, emotionally, and physically. She used to work but we both agreed that she would quit to be able to spend more time with her son during the summer. We both agreed that she would really push herself on selling the nutritional supplements when her son when back to school. We were on this understanding so that she wouldnt have to get a "real job" and still be making a decent amount of money. It made me more angry when I found out that she didn't go speak to the neighbors because she "ran out of time." But spent that time talking to Michael instead. I'm now having to work A LOT of overtime to make sure we are financially stable. I work between 120-140 hours every two weeks to make sure we are secured. I've given her everything I can and really, I have spoiled her. She has a wedding ring that costs as much as a car and her son now goes to a private school. 

I havent brought this up because I know that when I do, its going to become a huge fight. I've had to keep my emotions to myself which has been hard for me and shes starting to see it. I've made up my mind that i'm going to confront her on this but I dont know how. I have all the phone records printed out. I really dont know what she could possibly tell me that would change my feelings about the situation, and her for that matter. I suspect that she will deny and turn it around on me. I know that the methods i've used to obtain this information is invasive. I know what i've done says that I dont trust her anymore, but the suspicuos behavior she displayed created so much doubt and untrust for her in me. 

At this point i've already decided that I want a divorce but something in my heart told me to make attempts to get others input on the situation. 

I tried to be as detailed as I could so that the situation doesn't seem so one sided. 

I really would appreciate any help/advice/suggestions, from anyone who browses this forum. 

****And thank you to all who took the time to read this.***** It's a big point in my life and the time taken to comment really help me.


----------



## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

Okay, I don't believe her that it's all on Michael's side. If it was all on his side, she wouldn't have given him her phone number, right? It's not unreasonable to tell her that you don't want her to have any more to do with Michael.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

So, you would rather divorce her than confront and resolve this issue with her and this guy? That seems extreme. Yes, you know she's been lying to you about him. Find out why and ask her the hard questions about your relationship and what you mean to her. I think starting there first would benefit you more than just throwing out divorce right off the bat.


----------



## Igivehereverything (Jan 23, 2013)

Right. I agree. But should I have to tel her that? We are married. I honor her and am SO faithful to her. I cut off any past relationship I ever had when we got together. I dont even keep them around as friends because I feel it brings nothing good anyway.


----------



## Igivehereverything (Jan 23, 2013)

I guess I say divorce because I just cant imagine how the relationship would ever work out after I confront her. I dont feel in my heart that we would be able to trust each other.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Ok

Just finished the first few paragraphs and needed to get this off my chest before reading the rest of your post.

THERE IS NO WAY YOUR WIFE SHOULD HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH SOMEONE FROM HER PAST THAT SHE HAD A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH. PERIOD!

I now return to your post


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Igivehereverything said:


> Right. I agree. But should I have to tel her that? We are married. I honor her and am SO faithful to her. I cut off any past relationship I ever had when we got together. I dont even keep them around as friends because I feel it brings nothing good anyway.


While that is commendable, it is obvious that you and your wife don't share the same feelings about past relationships. You expect her to do what you did, but maybe she doesn't feel the same way. Why NOT tell her what you expect?


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Igivehereverything said:


> I guess I say divorce because I just cant imagine how the relationship would ever work out after I confront her. I dont feel in my heart that we would be able to trust each other.


A relationship works when both people are on the same page. This includes expectations of one another. The way to get on the same page is to communicate what you want and then come to a compromise you both can be happy with.


----------



## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

:iagree:

If you don't confront this situation lovingly, you may end up divorced anyway - while your wife shacks up with this guy. Is that what you want?

It's not unreasonable to expect the same fidelity from her wife that you give to her. 

You are too much of a 'nice guy' right now. I'm not a proponent of game - I think it's horrible - but I do believe you should step up and be firm and tell her that you are not going to accept her relationship with Michael.


----------



## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

Igivehereverything said:


> I guess I say divorce because I just cant imagine how the relationship would ever work out after I confront her. I dont feel in my heart that we would be able to trust each other.


Why should she not trust you?


----------



## Igivehereverything (Jan 23, 2013)

Thats the way I feel Toffer. A bit much, we had just spoken about her not talking to other men, (in that sense) because of a bad dream I had about her cheating. So I feel that she should have the decency to at least limit the contact with him. But she initiates it more than he does. So it seems...


----------



## Igivehereverything (Jan 23, 2013)

janefw said:


> Why should she not trust you?


Because of the ways I have gone about finding out all of this...

She's going to say that I didn't trust her from the beginning...


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Igivehereverything said:


> Thats the way I feel Toffer. A bit much, we had just spoken about her not talking to other men, (in that sense) because of a bad dream I had about her cheating. So I feel that she should have the decency to at least limit the contact with him. But she initiates it more than he does. So it seems...


A bad dream? Is it fair to say, you felt she shouldn't have these friendships BEFORE you dreamed about her having an affair? Because if that's the case I'm going to say you approached this issue completely wrong, and to her probably sounded like you were paranoid and from left field.

What you should have been doing from the beginning is making it clear to her by telling her directly you don't like friendships/relationships with ex's. You didn't do that. You cut people off, and now are angry she's not. For you it's common decency and for her it's not a big deal. What a vast difference in perception you both have. Rather than expecting her to read your mind, you should make yourself very clear. As clear as a pane of glass.

'Relationships with ex's or past lovers is NOT acceptable to me.'

There's no way to misinterpret that is it?


----------



## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

Igivehereverything said:


> Because of the ways I have gone about finding out all of this...
> 
> She's going to say that I didn't trust her from the beginning...


Do you know how b.s. that is? Those of us who have been in your position have all heard the same thing - basically that, it's our fault for being hurt, because we shouldn't have looked. That is the last refuge or defense of the cheater. What you have to keep clear is that you haven't done anything wrong. You haven't lied. All you did was find out about her wrongdoing. Try to just ignore the blame coming your way, and keep the focus relentlessly on her behavior:

- you told me he was initiating, but you are taking his calls. I know this because I have checked our phone records
("you're spying on me")
- those phone records show that you called him x times in x days
("you shouldn't be spying on me")
- it's not acceptable to me that my wife has private conversations with her former lover
("you shouldn't have looked at the records")
- you need to stop contacting him, and to help with this, we are going to get you a new phone number ...

See what I mean. You keep right on with the fact of the matter, which is that she is the one doing something she should not be doing.


----------



## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

Igivehereverything said:


> Because of the ways I have gone about finding out all of this...
> 
> She's going to say that I didn't trust her from the beginning...


First thing I want to say is trust your gut. I've been there before and your gut is 98% of the time right.

She will come up with any excuse she can so she can still communicate/flirt with him. She will blame you for all the actions that she does.

Yes she will say she won't trust you because of the way you finding out stuff. She already prepared all the excuses in the world while she's doing this.

You need to check out infidelity section and see similar stories.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

"My wife became upset after seeing this conversation and argued that I should have told her that Samantha text her. My wife then started comparing the Michael facebook message to the Samantha text"

I'm calling BS on this! Samantha didn't express ANY romantic feelings for you while Michael expressed how he'd messed up letting your wife go

She's also deleting texts - Huge Red Flag!
She also has time where she could be meeting Michael - Red Flag

I'd suggest collecting more hard evidence and not confronting her yet

Get a keylogger on the PC
Get a VAR and put it in her car under the front seat with heavy duty velcro

Most important, don't confront yet!


----------



## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

Yeah, don't confront her yet cause if you do, she will go underground and make it impossible for you to find anything.


----------



## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

It's an EA in the making.

I'd suggest the VAR in the car, get solid evidence of wrong doing and then confront her. Or just print out the records of the calls and text exchanges and just go with that. 

Don't get dragged into an argument, stay calm and tell her that either he goes or you go and there's no room for negotiation or compromise on the issue.


----------

