# wife emotional affair



## ches (Mar 24, 2013)

This is my story my wife and i have been married for almost 2 years, been together for 8. recently things haven't been going well. I work at sea for a living which requires me to be gone from home for long periods of time usually month onboard and month home, but the last 6 months i have been going for longer, due to work changing. I have noticed that we have become distant and she has been spending a lot of time on her cell texting compared to what she used to. A couple days ago i looked into her phone for a number for my aunt and i came across some text messages she was sending to some fella not sure who. She kept asking him if he wanted to do something today, one of these days was a day when we planned to go skiing?there was other things there that suggested she wanted to go farther with things. I couldnt believe it... I have always trusted her a respected her 100%. When i confronted her about this she said nothing sexual happened , which i fully belief. She said the reason that she went to him was becuase she didnt feel loved by me over the last while. I know i have my downfalls in communicating and I am a bit old fashion with regards to being romantic. But I am a good person , have a great job, we have no finicial trouble. I don't go out on the town etc. When i am home i do most if not all the house work, always have supper ready etc. The only thing I do is a bit of things in the outdoors such as hunting etc. This i have cut back on in the recent months becuase i sensed it was hurting our marriage.

Lately we have been very distant and she won't let me get close at all. I am very hurt by all of this and not sure what to do. I tried to get her to go to a therapist etc but thats not a option. She says I don't put enough effort into our marriage. Throughout our relationship my wife has always been easily agitated and i accepted this but its getting out of hand now. I do love my wife and we have had some great times. But some things throughout our marriage tell me she never really wanted it deep down as she has never gotten any wedding pictures developed, when i ask her she says you go and do it. 

I have done a lot of reading on the net about everything with regards to helping our marriage. I need to listen better, and become more emotionally connected but when i try this she seems to push me away. Is this gone to far or??????She doesnt show any remorse for talking to / seeing someone else. should she???? Not sure what to do....Thanks for your time and allowing me to vent... I really do love my wife...


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

I am sorry you are here. You said your wife right...

Let me correct you... Your wife wants a husband not a wife. She doesn't want you to be more emotionally connected... She wants you to not put up with her BS and be the man she married that will take care of her. She doesn't want you to go picking flowers with and picking out laced doilies. She wants you be the man she married. The one she RESPECTS and the one who takes care of her.

You want to be the woman in the marriage, go find another man... 

My point is. Yes you may have to work on communication. If its your marriage or your job, you may have to choose, but she wants to be married to a man not another woman.

Be that man! Don't put up with her EA. You need to do the 180. Throw her out, get in the OP face, do whatever you need to know. Let your testosterone be your guide. If she loses respect for you, you are done.

She might not feel that you aren'y emotionally connected because of the time you've been away, but she doesn't want you accepting her outlandish behavior. She wants to know that you will be the man that will take care of her or she will find one that will! She will not accept you being a passive little girl right now. She didn't marry one did she?

You have to realize that yes you may not be the perfect husband being away so much, but that is you taking care of your family. She knows she is doing wrong. Show her why and don't put up with her ****! She will begin to respect you more or you are doomed.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

All that connected crap is for after you get her respect back. Don't be a sissy Mary. Be a man!


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## ches (Mar 24, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> All that connected crap is for after you get her respect back. Don't be a sissy Mary. Be a man!


Hold on ole buddy, lets set things right I am not some sissy that who is out picking flowers ...but I do see some sense in what u are saying but before u judge someone and call them a little girl. U can't say that when u don't know someone . I try to treat her witha bit of respect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

ches said:


> This is my story my wife and i have been married for almost 2 years, been together for 8. recently things haven't been going well. I work at sea for a living which requires me to be gone from home for long periods of time usually month onboard and month home, but the last 6 months i have been going for longer, due to work changing. I have noticed that we have become distant and she has been spending a lot of time on her cell texting compared to what she used to. A couple days ago i looked into her phone for a number for my aunt and i came across some text messages she was sending to some fella not sure who. She kept asking him if he wanted to do something today, one of these days was a day when we planned to go skiing?there was other things there that suggested she wanted to go farther with things. I couldnt believe it... I have always trusted her a respected her 100%. When i confronted her about this she said nothing sexual happened , which i fully belief. She said the reason that she went to him was becuase she didnt feel loved by me over the last while. I know i have my downfalls in communicating and I am a bit old fashion with regards to being romantic. But I am a good person , have a great job, we have no finicial trouble. I don't go out on the town etc. When i am home i do most if not all the house work, always have supper ready etc. The only thing I do is a bit of things in the outdoors such as hunting etc. This i have cut back on in the recent months becuase i sensed it was hurting our marriage.
> 
> Lately we have been very distant and she won't let me get close at all. I am very hurt by all of this and not sure what to do. I tried to get her to go to a therapist etc but thats not a option. *She says I don't put enough effort into our marriage*. Throughout our relationship my wife has always been easily agitated and i accepted this but its getting out of hand now. I do love my wife and we have had some great times. But some things throughout our marriage tell me she never really wanted it deep down as she has never gotten any wedding pictures developed, when i ask her she says you go and do it.
> 
> I have done a lot of reading on the net about everything with regards to helping our marriage. I need to listen better, and become more emotionally connected but when i try this she seems to push me away. Is this gone to far or??????She doesnt show any remorse for talking to / seeing someone else. should she???? Not sure what to do....Thanks for your time and allowing me to vent... I really do love my wife...


So you don't put enough effort into the marriage,her solution, to text another man and get him and sleep with her?

I call BS on that and any lame excuse she comes up with.

You're fighting for someone who seems to have already started to detach herself. The more you fight and cling, the more she seems disinterested instead blaming you for what's happening.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

I understand what you are saying... I get that you are not a sissy... What I am telling you is that your wife wants the MAN she married. She does NOT want you to be all emotional and in touch with your feelings right now. She wants to know that the person she married will take care of her always!

That means you need to step up and tell her that what she was doing was BS! If you don't confront her on that and act soft she WILL lose respect for you and then you are doomed. Maybe you do need to communicate better. Start with, 'What you did was BS! You are my woman! Nobody else's. I won't share you so if you want someone else GET OUT NOW! I'll help you pack! I won't be treated like you are treating me! Maybe we should see a counselor but the HELL if I'm going to be treated like I'm second to any other man... If you show weakness, you will lose respect.

Believe me, it was the biggest mistake that I made. I did try to understand and all that crap. When I was the man again, that's when things got better. You won't get anywhere with being her 'friend' now. That is my point. Don't be soft. She doesn't want you to be and she will lose respect for you if you do.

I hope my earlier comments got you mad! You should be mad at how she treated you and you need to let her know it's BS. She wants her man not a little sissy girl!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you are the maid you won't get laid.

Cut back on the housework. Bust the OM. Find out if he is married and just trying to get laid.

If you have a number, look it up in the online whitepages, yellow pages, spokeo.com. You will get more info from spokeo unless he is using a burner phone to hie it from his wife.

RIGHT NOW downlaod this book (its not a sex manual, just oddly named) it will tell you everything you have done wrong..........unless you just married a broken person.

The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books

It is crucial you read this as fast as possible. There are some other short books to read to but get on this one now.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Be strong brother! What she did is crap! Remember that and remember who you are. You do not deserve to be treated like that and her choices are NOT your fault! Don't forget that!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Who was the guy ? Why do you think it wasn't physical?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

ches said:


> Hold on ole buddy, lets set things right I am not some sissy that who is out picking flowers ...but I do see some sense in what u are saying but before u judge someone and call them a little girl. U can't say that when u don't know someone . I try to treat her witha bit of respect.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He can say that, because he wants to get the right sort of reaction. You cannot be soft on this, you need to be strong. You need to be willing to lose your marriage, if you want a chance to save it. You want to see what sort of strength, search for rookie4 and read his thread. You do not want to be a nice guy right now. Get and read Married Man's Sex Life Primer. The title is deceiving. Get No More Mr Nice Guy. Google the 180 and implement it. Take no blame for her choice to cheat, treat her like an addict for the time being, do not trust her at all until she has a record that proves she can be trusted.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If they are meeting in person, it's most likely gone physical given the way she is acting towards you.

I know you don't want to believe that, but this guy would be hanging around and putting effort into her if he wasn't getting sex out of it.

She doesn't want you to touch her because she would be cheating on him.

You need to break up this affair. Deploy voice activated recorders in her car or any place else she talks to him.

You also need to demand she stop dating him. Call it for what it is. A man, a woman going out together alone is a date. It is part of the romantic relationship she is having with him.

Inform her that her dating him means you will file for D. That you won't let her have a relationship with the OM while also being your wife.

Find who the OM, and find if he is married or has a gf.

Find out how they met.

Be prepared to find out they are having sex when you are at sea, quite possibly in your own bed.

Btw, has she been buying new lingerie , sexy underwear? New clothes? These are all for the OM to build and keep his interests.

You can't nice someone out of an affair.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

ches said:


> I try to treat her witha bit of respect.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Right now, she does not deserve your respect.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> Who was the guy ? Why do you think it wasn't physical?


ditto.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Sorry you're going through this.

1) You sound like you're blaming yourself for her affair. You need to drop that mentality. Especially since despite what you seem to think about yourself, it seems like you're putting more effort into your marriage than she is.

2) You need to get angry. I know there are two sides to every story but your marriage, from what you've said, does not sound horrible and no one forced her to have an affair. If she had a problem with the marriage and if she felt invested in it SHE should be putting some effort into the marriage or herself. I've seen you list a couple of things you've tried to do to get things back on track and recognize some things you might possibly have to change about yourself. But what has she done to work on the marriage besides blame you for her lack of happiness in her marriage which you seem perfectly willing to take?? Pretty sure I didn't read about HER doing anything.

3) Kind of goes back to #2. You sound like you're taking the "nice guy" approach to this situation which does not work. You aren't going to nice, house husband, reason, or buy your wife out of her unhappiness or her affair (which I wouldn't be surprised if she's still engaged in it). You need to lay down consequences and set some boundries for your wife and tell her to get therapy or go to couples counseling. Your wife needs to respect you and feel that you are deserving of respect. In order to do that you need to show her you aren't going to be walked over. Because right now it doesn't seem like you're giving her any reason to respect you.

4)


> *I have always trusted her* a respected her 100%


Don't do this with anyone. Ever. I don't care how much you love them.

5) Expose her affair partner to any wife/girlfriend/family/etc that you can and I'd expose her as well to her family. Make sure you provide evidence when you do.

6) As others have suggested you should read:

The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books

and

[URL="http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1364138719&sr=1-1&keywords=no+more+mr+nice+guy"]http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1364138719&sr=1-1&keywords=no+more+mr+nice+guy[/URL]

ASAP


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think you are try so hard to be this bestest husband in the world right now and you know what? It doesn't mean sh1t!

See my man as long as this @ss whole your old lady is see is in the picture, you can't do a damn thing right in your chicks eyes.

In short, the dynamics of the marriage has an infection and until the infection is removed the marriage is history.

Sorry you have been replaced and until the other man is out of the picture he will continue to effect the dynamic of this marriage.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In addition, nicing your way out of this won't work, alls you will get is more anger from her cuz it gets harder to justify your chicks actions in deceiving you.

This is the wrong kind of anger you want from your cheating wife. The anger your looking for is the anger that now she has to make a choice between you and POS other man. She is just pissed now cuz she feels more guilt cuz your being so nice. The fact still remains that you haven't given her a reason or a consequences to stop this affair.


You really have to let her go to get her back! A consequence she will now have to face now that you will no longer share your wife.

So start making this affair inconvenient and uncomfortable. Expose this affair, stop financing her affair, and emotionally cut her off, and make it clear that no matter how much love you have for her you will not share her and you will start giving her a taste of reality as her affair continues.

See the tough love tactic is the 1st step in getting her to think twice in what she is about to lose. A tactic that will make her second guess her choice to continue her affair.


From were I'm sitting your approach is telling her that you aren't going any were and will tolerate her bad behavior. Prove her wrong and cut her off. If she can see how confident you are in letting her go and smile at her when you wish her the best and offer to help her pack well then you might come out of this fantasy fog your wife is currently in.


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## ches (Mar 24, 2013)

the guy said:


> In addition, nicing your way out of this won't work, alls you will get is more anger from her cuz it gets harder to justify your chicks actions in deceiving you.
> 
> This is the wrong kind of anger you want from your cheating wife. The anger your looking for is the anger that now she has to make a choice between you and POS other man. She is just pissed now cuz she feels more guilt cuz your being so nice. The fact still remains that you haven't given her a reason or a consequences to stop this affair.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ches (Mar 24, 2013)

I approached her again on it she told me that it was going to stop. What u guys have to understand is that before this my relationship was trouble. She says she hasn't felt loved what so ever lately. How do I make her feel more loved I do not give into everThing she says and everything. But I have put both work and hunting/outdoors before her, not that I have ment to though. I really want to save my marriage but I am that shagged up now I don't what I am doing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

By standing up for your marriage. What you are doing makes her feel you agree that she is not loved. Think of it like someone who justifies stealing because they are poor or someone who does drugs because life is bad. 

You can not support this thinking. Put a hard stop on this then if she does stop as part of R work on your things. You can not nice your out.

By being strong you are actually showing you value her and your marriage.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

ches said:


> I approached her again on it she told me that it was going to stop. What u guys have to understand is that before this my relationship was trouble. She says she hasn't felt loved what so ever lately. How do I make her feel more loved I do not give into everThing she says and everything. But I have put both work and hunting/outdoors before her, not that I have ment to though. I really want to save my marriage but I am that shagged up now I don't what I am doing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What has she done to show you she loves you? Run off to another man.
You see what's happening here. You go to her with your concerns and she switches it on you to make you feel like you've done something wrong.

Truth is brother the truth lies somewhere in between. Maybe you did neglect her during the marriage, took her for granted. But what you do, if you're an adult and being true to your *VOWS*, is you go to your partner and talk about it, try to work on it. What you don't do is start writing to someone else trying to get into their pants then when you get caught say it's your fault for not loving me enough.

You seem like a NiceGuy, quite literally. Your solution is to go to her and negotiate and try to nice it out of her, and she's straight batting right back at you. It's a one sided game, with only one side desperately clinging on trying to make things work.

There are people here with better advice on how to take charge of the situation to turn it into your advantage. Listen to them before it's too late and your wife loses what little modicum of respect she may still have for you.


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## ches (Mar 24, 2013)

BobSimmons said:


> What has she done to show you she loves you? Run off to another man.
> You see what's happening here. You go to her with your concerns and she switches it on you to make you feel like you've done something wrong.
> 
> Truth is brother the truth lies somewhere in between. Maybe you did neglect her during the marriage, took her for granted. But what you do, if you're an adult and being true to your *VOWS*, is you go to your partner and talk about it, try to work on it. What you don't do is start writing to someone else trying to get into their pants then when you get caught say it's your fault for not loving me enough.
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ches (Mar 24, 2013)

Update

I have given my wife no slack, well see how things go .one thing for sure i lost my fear of loosing it all now even though I still love my wife . I go back to sea in a week see what happens before then.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

ches said:


> Update
> 
> I have given my wife no slack, well see how things go .one thing for sure i lost my fear of loosing it all now even though I still love my wife . I go back to sea in a week see what happens before then.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thing is dude, all she has to do is wait it out a week and then what? She can do what she wants and continue where she left off.

Said before she's not even trying, so she's already started detaching and now when you're gone she can take things further.

What ultimatum did you give her...more important how will you know she'll adhere to whatever rules you lay down while you're gone?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Click on the links below. MMSLP will let you know what you need to do. It looks like a sex manual by the title, its not at all. It will explain the male/female dynamic that has been lost in modern life.
MMSLP is for you. The second book by the late Mrs. Glass is for you both. Get these books as fast as you can. Nothing will change for the better until you both read and understand what has happened and how good your marriage can be.


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## ches (Mar 24, 2013)

chapparal said:


> Click on the links below. MMSLP will let you know what you need to do. It looks like a sex manual by the title, its not at all. It will explain the male/female dynamic that has been lost in modern life.
> MMSLP is for you. The second book by the late Mrs. Glass is for you both. Get these books as fast as you can. Nothing will change for the better until you both read and understand what has happened and how good your marriage can be.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ches (Mar 24, 2013)

The ultimatum I gave her is straighten up or it's over . I got a problem with everybody saying u have to read all these books So i can keep the marriage alive. I never asked my wife to change for me why should I change for someone else I have already changed enough. My father and grandfather we married for 30 and 60 years they didnt read any books on this stuff. Not sure what the problem is these days but I do blame a lot on social networking and technology. Just a few thoughts
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Has she gone NC with her OM? Have you exposed the affair.

Understand that this is more than an EA. Has there been penetration. Oh most likely but wether there has or has not she has been dating another man and put herself alone with him in isolation to you. So this is not a texting EA type of thing. This is cheating.

Instigation

Isolation

Escalation

The thing is you now know you cannot trust your wife. She is seeking out other men. You are not around. Can you change jobs?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Sorry to say that your wife is in at least a EA, probably a PA. All the crap about not feeling loved and how you have not helped the marriage is standard cheater script. They re-write the entire marriage so that you are the horrible husband therefore their cheating is justified.

Social media makes it so so so easy to cheat. With your work schedule if she has not gone physical already she is very close to it. Her berating you means it is going to be full steam ahead as soon as you are out the door.

There is one thing that is common to all cheaters - if their mouth is moving, they are lying. 

Stay on your guard. Now that she knows you are watching, she is going to find ways to hide her communication with him.

The first thing on your list should be to find out who this guy is.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

ches said:


> The ultimatum I gave her is straighten up or it's over . I got a problem with everybody saying u have to read all these books So i can keep the marriage alive. I never asked my wife to change for me why should I change for someone else I have already changed enough. My father and grandfather we married for 30 and 60 years they didnt read any books on this stuff. Not sure what the problem is these days but I do blame a lot on social networking and technology. Just a few thoughts
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


..and yet here you are seeking advice on a social network..


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

BobSimmons said:


> ..and yet here you are seeking advice on a social network..


A pink one even.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

ches said:


> The ultimatum I gave her is straighten up or it's over . I got a problem with everybody saying u have to read all these books So i can keep the marriage alive. I never asked my wife to change for me why should I change for someone else I have already changed enough. My father and grandfather we married for 30 and 60 years they didnt read any books on this stuff. Not sure what the problem is these days but I do blame a lot on social networking and technology. Just a few thoughts
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You should read that material, and change for yourself. Take a look at where you are now. How is what you're currently doing working out for you? You can't control anybody else, just you. We live in a different century than your father or your grandfather. Things have changed. 

Ironically, MMSLP can show you how to reach back farther in the past to overcome the changes in today's society, in ways your immediate forebearers may not have had to.


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## ches (Mar 24, 2013)

Good day

This is a update I am now Back to work and aboard the ship for another month. Before I left all seemed to be going well, as far as I can see the texting etc has stopped but I have no way of knowing for sure. My wife seems a lot happier etc and seems to be actually wanting me again. But I am still not sure I still feel very suspicious as all the trust I once had for her is gone. I don't want to keep asking if it over with him as I don't want to seem like some whinny little boy. Anyway see what happens I guess.


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## ches (Mar 24, 2013)

Good day

This is a update I am now Back to work and aboard the ship for another month. Before I left all seemed to be going well, as far as I can see the texting etc has stopped but I have no way of knowing for sure. My wife seems a lot happier etc and seems to be actually wanting me again. But I am still not sure I still feel very suspicious as all the trust I once had for her is gone. I don't want to keep asking if it over with him as I don't want to seem like some whinny little boy. Anyway see what happens I guess.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you have read Rdmu's thread you will see there are a thousand ways to text and hide it. Did you check her phone for apps with texting ability?

Did you you read the MMSLP book?


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## ches (Mar 24, 2013)

I haven't checked her phone as I am not around her anymore as I am 300 miles from shore. But I haven't seen any text's while I was around , I ordered the book you talked about but I couldn't get it before I left as it never arrived. I have pulled a pretty much 180 since though and it seems to be working. But I am tearing myself apart thinking about it as I have know way of knowing now. Hopefully i'll keep it together for another couple weeks until I get home to check things out.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

How can this work if you're away from home? You can't check up on her? If she buys a burner phone you can't track her texts, whatever itch she had before might well come back and this time she'll make a better job of hiding it. She played nice knowing you were leaving. Difficult situation


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Ches ---your biggest problem, no matter how your wife is acting---is she is alone for half of the year---she may have good intentions---but the flesh grows weak---she wants more than half a mge---(timewise)---then when you come home, you find it preferable to go out and shoot and chase animals, to being with your wife

You may think all of this is fine, and it may have been good for your pa and your grandpa---but ches --guess what this ain't back then in the dark days---things are a lot different now, and even if you think you have a handle on things---YOU DON'T

I understand you need to work, and you may be stuck in this job, but your wife is more than likely cheating on you as we speak, no matter how she acted when you left---you see the deal is ---SHE IS BY HERSELF FOR 30 DAYS, and she can and will do what she wants---sure she acted fine your last week at home---that more than likely was to mollify you, and keep you satisfied----I promise you the minute you headed back to work, your wife headed back to her A.

Being away from your wife 6 months of the year ain't gonna work, mge. wise---job or no job


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

jnj express said:


> Ches ---your biggest problem, no matter how your wife is acting---is she is alone for half of the year---she may have good intentions---but the flesh grows weak---she wants more than half a mge---(timewise)---then when you come home, you find it preferable to go out and shoot and chase animals, to being with your wife
> 
> You may think all of this is fine, and it may have been good for your pa and your grandpa---but ches --guess what this ain't back then in the dark days---things are a lot different now, and even if you think you have a handle on things---YOU DON'T
> 
> ...



Yes, this about sums it up. This way of life works for you but it doesn't work for her. Things worked for your pa and granddad because their wives didn't have any options but to put up with it. These days wives do; if I was your wife I'd dump you because you don't seem all that interested in having a marriage. you want a wife at home that's available to service you when it's convenient for you. Just sayin.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ches (Mar 24, 2013)

You may be right that she is home for a month by herself but so are everybody else's wife's who work away from home such as from armed forces, too oil related workers, and many many more. Where I am from if someone wants to make a good leaving we all have to work away from home. I have a boat full of fellas here who are happily married?? why aren't there women cheating on them and looking for more emotionally. I can't just give up going to sea I went to university for 4 years and since then have been completing certification since that for the last 10 years. I can't throw it all down. with regards to me taking off hunting all the time that's my hobby other men watch football, play poker, etc. I am not gone all the time only in the fall for a week or so. I have asked this many times if it was a problem she said no. I done all this stuff before we even dated and she never had a problem then. I am starting to wake up to a lot of thing's since this all started I am good to my wife I always take her out, always do little things here or there, and I have not treated her with anything but respect. I am who I am when she married me and that's all I can do. I Have my faults which I am trying to fix but what she is doing to me is not fixing anything.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

jnj express said:


> Ches ---your biggest problem, no matter how your wife is acting---is she is alone for half of the year---she may have good intentions---but the flesh grows weak---she wants more than half a mge---(timewise)---then when you come home, you find it preferable to go out and shoot and chase animals, to being with your wife
> 
> You may think all of this is fine, and it may have been good for your pa and your grandpa---but ches --guess what this ain't back then in the dark days---things are a lot different now, and even if you think you have a handle on things---YOU DON'T
> 
> ...



Yes, this about sums it up. This way of life works for you but it doesn't work for her. Things worked for your pa and granddad because their wives didn't have any options but to put up with it. if I was your wife I'd dump you because you don't seem all that interested in having a marriage. you want a wife at home that's available to service you when it's convenient for you. Just sayin.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ches said:


> You may be right that she is home for a month by herself but so are everybody else's wife's who work away from home such as from armed forces, too oil related workers, and many many more. Where I am from if someone wants to make a good leaving we all have to work away from home. I have a boat full of fellas here who are happily married?? why aren't there women cheating on them and looking for more emotionally. I can't just give up going to sea I went to university for 4 years and since then have been completing certification since that for the last 10 years. I can't throw it all down. with regards to me taking off hunting all the time that's my hobby other men watch football, play poker, etc. I am not gone all the time only in the fall for a week or so. I have asked this many times if it was a problem she said no. I done all this stuff before we even dated and she never had a problem then. I am starting to wake up to a lot of thing's since this all started I am good to my wife I always take her out, always do little things here or there, and I have not treated her with anything but respect. I am who I am when she married me and that's all I can do. I Have my faults which I am trying to fix but what she is doing to me is not fixing anything.



I'm ex military and my ex was military so I get this, but first of all let me tell you that a lot of those guys are not as happily married as you think, and there are a lot more affairs going on with their wives then you think. I saw this all the time. Not everyone can handle being a military spouse, and based on your wife's behavior she is one that can't. It's not a crime, it's a tough life. Everybody knows military life is tough but nobody really gives spouses any credit for what they go through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

hey ches---there are lots of mge.,s where one spouse is away for a period of time----some make it, some don't---but you cannot necessarily expect a spouse to do nothing physically---if they have needs to be satisfied-----and as to all the other away mge.,spppbelieve no one knows------a cheating spouse if good can hide things, so that no one knows---and here all of these away mge.,s how do you know what % cheat and what don't---NO ONE KNOWS

This just ain't a good situation---and then on top of that you wanna be with your buddies, when you are home----so your wife is w/out you even longer

You have no clue---your wife may be a cheater---but you are selfish


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## ches (Mar 24, 2013)

Guys I am not the person you think I am, I work hard for a month and then go home spending whatever spare time my wife has with her. As She has a career and a successful one, which I support fully. Also Am I selfish because I work????????????????really??? Maybe I should quit, I offered that to my wife.Its not like I never see her for the month I usually see her 3 or 4 times for the month when we get in port. with regards to my pass times/ hobbies Do you guys not have one??? As we do not have kids and she works a lot am I just supposed to stay in the house and do nothing????Thanks for you input though It helps getting a look from the outside in because everybody I know and talk too, works away as well.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I don't think people are saying it's your fault. They are just saying that the sort of work schedule you have puts a strain on a marriage and that this can take a toll. Military families are famously under stress and many of them show it.

For what it's worth, I personally think you have manned up very well since finding out about her inappropriate communications. You absolutely have every right to expect fidelity in a marriage, so you are not wrong in that. You also have to be very aware of and sensitive to the stresses that your W feels. This can play out in ways you might not like.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Ches---you may have not liked my stating you are selfish---but only in your last post did you give a clearer, view of your mge and lifestyle---we can only respond to what we read

If you come home on the weekends, and your wife is busy during the week---that does place a different light on things

But hunting and your buddies---no matter what, must come in behind your spouse--that is just the way it needs to be----you wanna go and hunt---do it as a day trip only, while your wife works

No your wife has no right to cheat---and she needs to be accountable, and have boundaries placed on her---but you do have to figure out a way, to meet her physical needs----or your mge will not make it

There are those who work in jobs, that shouldn't consider mge at all---mge.,s are doomed if the partners are away from each other too much of the time---no matter how they start, with good intentions---for the most part things end badly---good luck to you---hopefully you will get the marital problems worked out, and your wife will wake up


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Ches, hobbies are a great thing to do, but do you want a hobby or a marriage. I use to hunt, fish, hike, dive and loved them all. None of these were things that my wife liked to do. Now we are both into photography, it is something that we both enjoy and can do together. Bottom line is you can't keep doing the same things and expect to get different results. The affair is hers and hers alone, but that doesn't mean that you can't improve the relationship as well.


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## ches (Mar 24, 2013)

VFW said:


> Ches, hobbies are a great thing to do, but do you want a hobby or a marriage. I use to hunt, fish, hike, dive and loved them all. None of these were things that my wife liked to do. Now we are both into photography, it is something that we both enjoy and can do together. Bottom line is you can't keep doing the same things and expect to get different results. The affair is hers and hers alone, but that doesn't mean that you can't improve the relationship as well.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ches (Mar 24, 2013)

ches said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yah I understand where ur coming from, but we do some hobbies together . in the past year or so I have really cut back on the amount of time I spend hunting etc . Do u think I have to give it up all together ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ches said:


> Yah I understand where ur coming from, but we do some hobbies together . in the past year or so I have really cut back on the amount of time I spend hunting etc . Do u think I have to give it up all together ?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


you need to find out from her what she needs from you given the realities of your work schedule. do not ask her if you need to give up hunting, that puts everything on her and she'll say no. besides, she may not want you to give it up, she may just need more time with you. priority number one when you're both off of work is to do things together. period. if she's working by all means go out and do things you enjoy, but the marriage but be a priority over everything else or it won't survive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I would put time away from her, besides work on the back burner. Maybe a few days hunting deer in the fall and let it go at that for a couple of years.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Here's how I see it Ches. Your wife owns the cheating that she has done 100%. There is no doubt about that. However, your current employment is causing major problems in your marriage. The fact that your wife has shown that she will cheat when you are away is proof that she cannot handle this lifestyle where her husband is gone for a month at a time. You have an education, so it's not like you don't have options out there. You need to take inventory and answer some questions for yourself. I will put my input in as well:


Can you find it in yourself to forgive the cheating? If so, then you try to reconcile. Otherwise, divorce and that's that.
If you two decide to R, you need to come up with a plan to figure out how the both of you will work to make this marriage stronger. What are your needs and what are hers?
Ask her straight up if she can handle you being gone for a month at a time with your current line of work. If she can't then you need to decide what's more important: - the marriage or the job?
My advice if you R: You need to put your education to use and find a job that keeps you at home or involves less travel.
Based on what you wrote about where you live, you will most likely move for the sake of your marriage. What's more important, your marriage or where you live?


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## ches (Mar 24, 2013)

Thanks for the advice. I am still in a very big mess everything seems to be going well home as I have been there several nights this month even though I am working. Our relationship seems to be going well. but I am having a hard time getting over it all. With regards to me giving up going to Sea for a living its alright for u to say that but its not that easy. I have worked there for 10 years and we have been together for 8 years living together for 7. Why is it starting now???? Anyway still trying to think things through....


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Ches
I for one do not fault your job. Your wife knew what you did for a living. She's not the lone ranger. She must know dozens of other wives whose husbands make a living at sea. 

If she somehow changed her mind about your absence, then SHE should have raised the issue with you and not acted dishonorably and shamefully. 

I also support your hobby. It doesn't sound outlandish or selfish at all. You seem like a straight shooter and a decent person.

Don't change much - but do try to understand the mechanics of modern relationships. The ease with which long distance relationships start with modern technology can be too powerful for weak-willed people. You may be married to one.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> I understand what you are saying... I get that you are not a sissy... What I am telling you is that your wife wants the MAN she married. She does NOT want you to be all emotional and in touch with your feelings right now. She wants to know that the person she married will take care of her always!
> 
> That means you need to step up and tell her that what she was doing was BS! If you don't confront her on that and act soft she WILL lose respect for you and then you are doomed. Maybe you do need to communicate better. Start with, 'What you did was BS! You are my woman! Nobody else's. I won't share you so if you want someone else GET OUT NOW! I'll help you pack! I won't be treated like you are treating me! Maybe we should see a counselor but the HELL if I'm going to be treated like I'm second to any other man... If you show weakness, you will lose respect.
> 
> ...


This was exactly my experience, too. I panicked at first and went into super-sensitive mode. I tried to "nice" her back. It was only when I blew up at her (not violent, just finally a whole lot of pent-up anger), and stood my ground as her husband, that she immediately came out of her fog.


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## ches (Mar 24, 2013)

I saw the same thing as you did. Did you get over it totally? I can't get it out of my head. 

Anyway if you have any tips on getting over it my ears are open!!


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

No, I'm almost a year out and it's fading, but it's not gone.

The first thing that helps is to understand that you cannot stop her from doing it. All you can do is respond the way you feel is best for you. What she did was not about you - it was about something seriously flawed in her.

The second thing, kind of an epiphany for me, really, is that *there cannot be unconditional love in a marriage*. Marriage, by its nature, is a contractual obligation between the spouses. You CANNOT say you will love her through any pain she can cause you - that's not realistic and far too high a standard to place on yourself. You are not to blame for not being tough enough to endure infidelity. Most people are not.

So since you can't control her, and you can't realistically love her through everything she could do to you, you have to decide where *your* boundaries are. What will you accept in any relationship? Try to take her out of the equation for this because your love and pain and fear will cloud your decision making. What will you accept from *any* lover? From any other wife?

Last, the illusion of the woman you knew and the marriage you had is now dead. You have to grieve for it and move on. The marriage you had is already over. You will have a new marriage whether you reconcile or not. You must accept that you will never fully recover what you had. Infidelity opens wounds that never fully heal.

If you reconcile, understand you are choosing to have a new marriage with the same woman, but one you now know is capable of the worst kind of betrayal. Or, in divorce, you can have a new marriage with a woman who has not caused you this pain.

My last bit of advice is this: IT IS ENTIRELY UP TO YOU.


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## ches (Mar 24, 2013)

Was your wife in a full blown affair? Thanks for the advice.

Me and my wife seemed to be pretty good, but it just seems as soon as she encounters a bit of stress it all falls apart?

I know I am not some smooth talker that can talk just about anything anytime which is one of my largest downfalls but I have always been like it. Maybe this is something that she is in need of? 

Anyway thanks for the help still trying to make sense out of it.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

No she was only in an EA for sure and I will never know for sure if it went further. She had ample opportunity to take it PA because she was on a work trip with him for a month and they stayed a couple of doors down from each other the whole time in the same hotel. Shared a company car, toured the city together, went dining and drinking together, etc.

I will never know for sure. And it kills me a little every day.


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