# Miserable and need help



## JLynnMann (Apr 6, 2011)

My husband and I have been together nearly 4 years now. We recently married in October of 2010 and shortly after I found out he was having what I assume was an EA. 
I say assume because some think I over reacted but the hurt was great.
It was a coworker that he began emailing after she was there for him with our relationship problems. I didn't even know these problems existed at the time because he never spoke to me about them. 
I was browsing our computer one night and found a saved google account. I have teenage children and didn't know who's it was at first but I soon found out he had set up a second account so he could email with her. What I found broke my heart...
She sent him texts saying how much she wished she could call to hear his voice. She also praised him for being such a strong wonderful man and a great dad.
The emails from him in response were what cut so deeply though. In them he repeatedly told her she was the one person in his life to understand him. He also told her that she was the reason he could get up everyday now with a smile and that she was the reason for any happiness he had since meeting her. And that he also wished he could talk to her from home..
I just sat there and read and reread these emails until my eyes ached from crying and staring at the screen. Then I called him into the room and pointed at the screen without saying a thing.

He wanted to know why I was snooping first and then got mad because he said he didn't know why I was so upset because they were only friends. 
I told him that I would NEVER say those things to any of my friends- let alone a friend of the opposite sex. Alot of yelling and stomping around later and he apologized and promised he wouldn't talk to her anymore if I was that jealous.
The next day I sent this woman an email and told her to lay off my husband in no uncertain terms. She emailed me back saying she had no interest in him other than as a good friend and she was engaged anyway. 
That day I took him lunch and his medicine that he had left at home knowing he would need it. I trusted blindly at that time that he would not be talking to her at all like he promised. Instead I pulled into the parking lot to find him sitting beside her and talking to her. I pulled up and asked what he was doing and he said he was only explaining to her that he couldn't speak with her anymore. I left feeling sick to my stomach with dread and worry. Instead of going home I circled back around and found him sitting with her again and they were both pointing and laughing when I pulled in.
At this point I was furious. He came to the car laughing and asked what I was doing. Instead of replying with an answer I asked him what he was doing and he said just laughing because he had just told her I would be back. 
Have to write more later.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

If you're doing nothing wrong, then your spouse looking at your things shouldn't evoke a "what are you snooping for" response.

You should be furious! To not only be sitting in a parking lot talking to another woman, but to be laughing and pointing at his wife, while making it a joke about her - unexcusable.

Time to put your foot down, and be prepared to follow through.

I'm sitting here thinking of what I would do to him and I'm not even his wife.

Unacceptable and you need to let him know it. What nerve. I feel for you.


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## JLynnMann (Apr 6, 2011)

Sorry rough night with sick baby. 
Anyway this was all found out about 3 weeks after we were married. He did, after a few days, cut all ties with her and asked for a change in work area and his break schedult as they were in same area and on same break schedule.
I know this did happen because his hours changed slightly and he had to put in a written request and had documentation from his supervisor when it went through. He closed his email account that he had been sending her messages from and also blocked her from his facebook and other email account. 
She was laid off about 2 1/2 months ago and I hate feeling like a vengeful witch but I was completely happy with this. 
He has given me all access to his email account and other accounts and his passwords since this happened so I can check on him if I want to. Since this event I have found nothing and he seems to be more focused on me, our children, and mainly our relationship. 
His hobby is gaming on his PS3 and he does this at night after he has helped me put the children to bed and we have spent some time together. I have seen and felt a huge change in him.
I feel I may have a problem though now. He has done many things to try and prove to me that I am the only one and that he is faithful and will never slip up again. I feel special to him now and I feel a strong connection BUT I cannot let this go yet.
I am scared. I told him this last night. I have been married before and my then hubby really did a number to me. Then this from my current hubby. 
He has been pretty patient with me but was concerned last night because I told him it does still haunt me and I do still get the knots in my stomach fairly often. 
He doesn't know what else he can do and honestly I don't either. I desperately want to move past this but can't seem to really let it go like I want to. I keep seeing those words on the screen and knowing he told another woman the things I thought only I should hear. 
He has given up alot for me and fought for us- including a porn addiction during the first 1 1/2 years of our relationship. I know he is trying to prove his love to me and I want to believe there is and will only be me but my heart still hurts and my head won't let it go.
Is this irrational? 
I've never felt so hurt or betrayed and I'm tired of feeling that same way over and over again. I've been attending counseling but still no forward motion I feel. How does one get past this hurt? 
Thanks in advance for any suggestions/answers.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

You did not ever react at all. What he has done is so disrespectful. he is supposed to love you and cherish you, not ever put another woman before you or the marriage.

I would talk to him about where the boundaries lie for you, and let him know that you cannot simply put up with behaviour that crosses those boundaries, but you have to mean it.

I would tell him if he does not acknowledge what he has done wrong and show genuine remorse that you don't feel you can move forward and this will eventually destroy your relationship.

His relationship with this woman in extremely inappropriate. I would ask him to cease all contact with her, and if that means looking for a new job so be it. Also i would ask him to all her in front of you and tell her he loves you and will not risk his marriage so he wants no further contact. then delete and block her from everything.

He needs to understand the hurt he has caused you, ask him how he would feel if the situation was reversed and ask him to be truly honest with himself. He would be humiliated, i am sure.

He has at the very least cheated emotionally with her, and it sounds like he got some attention, and made your marriage out to have a lot of problems to her in order to justify his actions. If he had issues he should have come to you.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Sorry just saw the update. You may have forgiven him and want to move forward and that is wonderful and loving of you, but he needs to understand that you may never trust him again.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Boy, he has totally shifted the issue from his disloyalty to your behaviors. You bought his garbage about the friends thing, and now you are buying his b.s. about the parking lot issue. He has treated you exactly like a cheater usually does, but in really grand style. 

Time to step up toe-to-toe--but you need to be ready. He cannot be disrespectful of you or the relationship. He *never* should have had conversations as he did with another woman, and you did not over-react in telling him that. Deeply personal conversations build intimacy, so he has to have those conversations with you--and a close, male friend or female relative if he needs other support. That may have started as a mistake, but he knew when he continued that it was wrong--she wouldn't have sent him such messages, and, more importantly, HE WOULD HAVE TOLD HER SHE MISUNDERSTOOD HIS INTENTIONS if he really saw her just as a friend, blah, blah, blah. But no, he told her she was the source of his happiness! Really, just friends? NO ONE but you will believe that--and you only believe it b/c you don't want to face the truth.

So, ask him: is he choosing her over you, or is all contact ending and he'll start looking for a new job? He needs to accept that he has broken trust and he now has to accept the reality: you will be incredibly insecure for however long it takes you to recover the trust, and the ONLY thing he can do is admit his fault and bend over back wards to make sure his life is an open book. Otherwise, this will just be a long, drawn out, ugly way to end the marriage. 

Schedule a session with a marriage counselor and tell him it is not optional. Let him know that this really is "make or break" time. One of two things will happen--he'll commit to saving the marriage, or he'll get angry and/or say you are overreacting and/or try to minimize it, etc., etc.--in other words, he'll try to get you to back off. It is extremely important that he understand, HE ALREADY MADE HIS CHOICE, so if he wants the marriage to continue, he'll accept what you've said as the consequences of his actions. If he can't, then he leaves. At least, he leaves the bedroom (you can pack a bag for him, but you cannot force him to leave the house unless you file for a separation/divorce and get the preliminary order giving you the temporary right to the house). 

He's in an EA and he got caught. He's going to deny it. Tell him that the EA is one issue to be worked out in MC, along with whatever issues led him to it. Make sure he understands that while you accept there must be something not working in the marriage for him to have gone elsewhere for emotional closeness, the responsibility for his poor decision AND the destruction of your trust lies solely with him. Practice saying things the way you want to say them, but make them clear and in the face of his responses, just repeat over and over the basic message: end affair, marriage counseling, and an apology, or you are done. 

His reaction will tell you a lot about how deep he is into the affair. If it's pretty early, he may be more like, "Oh, my god, i've been such an idiot, I'm so sorry, yes, you are right. . ." But don't count on it; there will still be some attempt at downplaying it even if he is sorry. Don't let him--b/c the real issue--why he sought closeness with another woman--still needs to be addressed and you may need to accept some ways you contributed to whatever it was that left him feeling unable or unwilling to talk to you when he should have. 

BUT, the more defensive and angry he gets, the less he is worrying about YOU and the marriage, and the more he is worrying about HIM and getting caught. Not a good sign. 

Good luck; let us know how it goes.


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## JLynnMann (Apr 6, 2011)

Thanks ladies for your replies.

I think the thing I hate most about all of this is that I have lost trust in him. I often think maybe I had placed too much trust and faith in him. Then I think why shouldn't I be able to?

He has told me that he has never had to worry one moment about lack of trust with me. I have been forthcoming from day one and he knows this. I've told him everything- the good, the bad, and the ugly. I know how much lies affect and hurt a relationship. I've been down that road and I never want to be the one whom is the cause. 

At times I feel a little paranoid because of this. The smallest things can bring all the insecurities rushing back up to me. 

I know that we have grown since this event and counseling has helped with our marraige issues but now I am trying to deal with my own issues. We both have been working hard at satisfying eachother: mentally, physically, and emotionally. 
He has swore since his first real breakdown that he never intended this to happen but felt so flattered when she gave him all this attention. He also had a hard time calling it an affair as he has had it in his head that touching and sexual relations needs to occur for it to be any type of affair.
He has even said that the attention she gave him made him feel wanted and needed. He has apologized time and time again. I know he feels like he has done everything he could possibly do since then and that it will never be enough because occassionally he gets frustrated and angry because of the insecurities I have. I tell him I am trying to heal and that time is what I need. I also feel as if this isn't my fault. I trusted him before this. I want to be able to trust him again but at this point I don't know when and if I will ever fully trust him again. I certainly hope so.


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