# need advice



## osprey (Jan 10, 2013)

My wife and I have been married for 27 years. She is and has always been the love of my life. Up until a couple of years ago I was very successful financialy but that has all fallen apart. I lost my business and have gone through our savings trying to support a lifestyle we can no longer afford. Our last asset is our house which we have substantial equity in and will allow us to start over. My wife says if we sell the house it is "to embarrasing" and we have to move. I am fine with that. However she is depressed all the time and our love life is practically non existent. I feel bad for her and I don't want to lose her. Any advice? thank you


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Before you do anything else, go get the book His Needs Her Needs. Read it together. If she won't read it, read it yourself and relay what you learn from it to her. I often did that by printing out sections and reading it out loud to him while we were stuck in the car for periods.

At the same time, after 27 years, it is a FAIR chance that someone else has caught her eye, whether she has acted on it or not. My guess is someone at her work or in some personal circle she's part of has started talking to her, making her 'feel good.' Check her phone for one number you see a lot, that you don't recognize.


----------



## Honest opinion (Dec 14, 2012)

Dear OP,I totally understand how she think and why she is depressed lately,in her thoughts losing the image you created for you guys over the years is so hard to break now after alonf time of success and money the habit of spending ,the last thing she want to lose is the house of long time memories and happy days,having said that she has to understand the situation is not the same and people go through ups and downs in there life,27 years together is long enough to trust the decision your making for both of you,but you have to stand up to yourself and go throug what you see fit best or else you both will be in deep problems financial issues and of course marriage ,so before it gose beyond fixing sit and talk to her and don't get weak if she cry ,your doing the right thing,and eh btw I don't think anyone caught her eye she loves you as much as you love her ,she is only under so much stress thinking what's in the future from financial perspective .good luck and hope things get better with you


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your wife had a job?


----------



## osprey (Jan 10, 2013)

Thank you all so much for your replies:
My wife does work, she works in education and is very good at what she does however she didn't choose a very remunerative profession (she didn't have to) and her paycheck helps but doesn't begin to cover our bloated monthly expenses.
Also I did not make the decision to sell the house, I could not do that- to me the house does not represent dreams and aspirations as it does to my wife- but when there is no money in the checking account and we are scrambling to pay the electric bill she came to the it is time to sell the house conclusion herself. That being said she is not happy about it.
I do not think someone else has caught her eye- a different situation maybe- all her siblings are super high achievers- the funny thing is that once at the top of that pile- and she talks to her sisters and they are doing all kinds of fancy vacations and decorating etc. She has a terrible relationship with her mother- her mother screwed her up pretty good and i have been trying to heal those wounds for as long as I know her. I have always been the calm problem solver in the relationship- but I am having a lot of trouble getting back on my feet and i think she views my lack of ability to solve our problem as either a lack of desire to solve it or that I am a loser- it is the latter that I am scared of since I have plenty of gnawing doubts about it myself! Thank you again for your advice - please ask more questions- my wife tells me I am a lousy communicator - but if you ask questions I can answer them.
Finally- after all these years she is still the most beautiful woman I have ever met and when she smiles she melts my heart- I am in uncharted waters and I don't know how to act so I want to make sure I don't screw it up- houses and money and stuff come and go and can be replaced- my wife can not.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Men who have 'loser' attitudes are not attractive to women.


----------



## osprey (Jan 10, 2013)

turnera said:


> Men who have 'loser' attitudes are not attractive to women.


thanks for the wake up call


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IN other words, if you're comfortable in your ability to provide for your family in a NORMAL situation (not trying to keep up with the Joneses), then anything she says about not getting as much as her sisters is HER problem, and if she approaches you, you would just shrug your shoulders and say 'you should have married a millionaire, then.' THAT is atttractive.


----------



## Kelgirl (Dec 30, 2012)

Osprey... I know your wife does not want to sell but its better than a foreclosure. Long story short that is what my husband and I are facing a foreclosure due to his financial mishaps several years ago. 

I talked to him about selling the house but he does not want to hear of it. The house is material.. I think we need to do what we can to stop the foreclosure. Him and I have been married for 28 years and our finances have been a problem from the start. I cannot blame it all on him.. its partly my fault as well. I realized our mistakes and tried to make it right I don't think he has learned anything. I still overspend from time to time mostly on groceries.

Glad to hear you guys are selling.. I know its hard for both of you but it will be a bit of a relief.


----------



## osprey (Jan 10, 2013)

Thanks Kelgirl for your words of encouragement I hope your financial situation gets better as well. Do you have equity in your house? If we sell the house then we will have some money to start fresh, my wife is on board but she is so sad, mad, upset and distant- I understand why but I don't know how to react- it is a hard situation for both of us but I feel that I am alone in this because she is shutting me out and distancing herself- any thoughs thanks


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's just a house. We're in our third house. It's just a house. There are millions more houses available. We had friends (who taught me this, when I was lamenting having to move for a personal reason) who sold their business and bought a small yacht to live in. They did that for a couple years with their girls, finally sold the boat and bought a house near us so the girls could go to a regular school. Then they found out they had to go back and take care of the business they sold (sold it for stock), so they sold THIS one and went back to find a new house back in their original spot. It's just a house.

In fact, I suggest you read Rich Dad Poor Dad and really get a handle on what a house is.


----------



## musicaldreams (Jan 5, 2013)

I understand someone not wanting to leave their home, where they had happy memories. My wife and I moved from a home we liked to a home we liked better, but she did not want to leave because one of our beloved cats passed away there. I told her, the house does not own him. He does not belong to that house. He belongs to us. He belongs with us. He is ours. He goes where we go. She agreed. 

Leave the home that is causing you financial hardship and start fresh and build happy memories elsewhere. Your future happy memories are out there. They are waiting for you. go get them.

Good luck.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It may help to start watching a bunch of HGTV shows, to get the new house bug.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

osprey said:


> I do not think someone else has caught her eye- a different situation maybe- all her siblings are super high achievers- the funny thing is that once at the top of that pile- and she talks to her sisters and they are doing all kinds of fancy vacations and decorating etc.


Okay, so she's not comparing you to her brothers-in-law in that "I pull my weight but you are falling short" way. She is seeing how her sisters do for themselves and she does not, yet expects you to pick up the slack. Do I have that right?

If that's true, you need to remind her that the shortfall is hers, not yours. If her two sisters and her grew up to be doctor, lawyer, and pre-school teacher (in that order) it is preposterous for her to expect to live the same lifestyle. She can argue, as others do (with considerable merit) that her work is at least as meaningful, etc. But, reality is that our society attaches vastly different economic values to certain professions.

Another thing you should do is make her responsible for a chunk of the household expenses. Being able to pay for XYZ does not mean you should. The worst mistake I made in dealing with my ex's financial demands was striving to meet her lifestyle wants. It allowed her to remain out of touch with economic reality.

OTOH, if you push back some and give her family responsibilities (not just meeting her own needs), you will open her eyes. She likely see how little of your current lifestyle her salary covers, much less the lifestyle to which she aspires. Hopefully, at that point she will develop some empathy for how much you provide and/or decide she wants to be a more equal contributor.

Of course, she could choose to be unreasonable and insist she is entitled to a certain lifestyle detached from the money she brings to the table. If that happens, take her seriously and protect your assets and income.


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*Finally- after all these years she is still the most beautiful woman I have ever met and when she smiles she melts my heart- I am in uncharted waters and I don't know how to act so I want to make sure I don't screw it up- houses and money and stuff come and go and can be replaced- my wife can not.
*

Tell her that. And ya know.... she's just bummed. She'll get over it. You'll figure your part out. Life goes on. 

It's not the house, your HOME is where you make it.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

osprey said:


> She has a terrible relationship with her mother- her mother screwed her up pretty good and i have been trying to heal those wounds for as long as I know her.
> 
> i think she views my lack of ability to solve our problem as either a lack of desire to solve it or that I am a loser


Your heart may have been in the right place but this just backfired on you. See you've enabled her, protected her, sheltered her, and tried to heal her even though that was her responsibility not yours.

Now she's out of touch with reality and has no clue the seriousness of your situation. And now she will absolutely blame you for everything that goes wrong in her life.

Your only recourse is to be blunt, to say no, to do what needs to be done and let the chips fall where they may. She may never get over this but at the moment you've got bigger problems to face.


----------



## Kelgirl (Dec 30, 2012)

osprey said:


> Thanks Kelgirl for your words of encouragement I hope your financial situation gets better as well. Do you have equity in your house? If we sell the house then we will have some money to start fresh, my wife is on board but she is so sad, mad, upset and distant- I understand why but I don't know how to react- it is a hard situation for both of us but I feel that I am alone in this because she is shutting me out and distancing herself- any thoughs thanks


*No we do not have any equity in the house. We will pretty much be doing a short sale. My husband finally agreed but he really does not want to. He is somewhat like your wife..pretty distant. The affection, feeling loved is pretty much out the window.. he just have so many other things on his mind. We can be having dinner, having a conversation and he turns his attention to the television. Its making me quite distant to. I hate it because I am a very affectionate person. Counseling is helping me. I can relate to some of what you are going through.

There is not too much you can do at this point. She is distant because she wants to be and I am not sure if anything you say or do will help at this point. Have you asked her the tough question.. do she still want the marriage. I ask my husband that and he did not give me a direct answer which to me is a red flag... he said well I would not be here for this long if I did not want it. Is your wife open to counseling? My husband is not but my counselor seems to think that she can get him to come. She told me when the time comes, I have to follow her lead..this will be interesting. *


----------

