# Breaking up with my father



## Tomara

Right now I am so angry with my father I can’t see straight. I am the “good” daughter and have been taking care of my parents for over 10 years, my life on hold. My mother passed away less than a year ago. I stepped up and handled everything from the mortuary, funeral and getting rid of my sweet mothers thing. She couldn’t be dead a week before he was removing her memory.

He was suppose to take me out Monday for my birthday. He forgot dinner and he forgot my birthday. 

Tonight I went to see him. He asked me to about 4 things for him, okay not a problem. Then he asked me to get him on a dating site. I reminded him that I would help but not until mom had been gone a year. All this just tears my heart out but I keep my mouth shut. I told him before about the one year mark of mothers death and internet dating.

He proceeded to cop an attitude and get angry with me. I calmly told him there was no reason for him to treat me like that. Oh that ticked him off even more. I just got up and left him.

I am so angry and I hate that feeling of shaking mad, not my personality. I am cooked, done, tired of being the only one to deal with him. Why can’t my sister step up to the plate? She is selfish? She lives to far away by her choice?

Well, at this moment I am thinking about selling our duplex (we live in it together) and parting ways with my father. I am done with being responsible for him. Mom is gone and he can’t respect how I feel. 

Never thought I would ever ever ever want to not have a damn thing to do with my Dad but I reached my breaking point. Sorry this is so long, needed to get it off my chest before I just breaking down into a weeping mess.





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## Cynthia

I'm sorry that you are having trouble with your relationship with your father. It cuts deeply to be hurt by a parent. I pray for peace for your heart.


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## NobodySpecial

I am so sorry.


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## Tomara

Thank you for the kind words. I am truly sorry that my father feels he can treat me poorly when I have always been there. I am at a point of decision that I didn’t want to make. 

Wish I wasn’t put in this position. 


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## SpinyNorman

He expects you to do for him whatever he asks. You live next door and do social stuff together. That is a very close relationship, maybe instead of ending it, just back it down some. Make it clear you aren't obligated to do stuff for him, but he is welcome to ask if he's polite about it. Make it clear he can't run your life, but don't try to run his either.

I'm sorry he forgot your plans, is there a reason to suspect memory issues?

As for your sister, maybe she doesn't care or maybe she doesn't know her help is needed. Often the parent will have an opinion about which child should give the care and manipulate it that way. 

I live 2 hours from my parents and my brother lives 5 minutes. He gets stuck w/ lots of impromptu stuff, but if there is an all-day job I always take it. Dad would make my brother do everything, but I talk directly to my brother and Dad can take it or leave it.


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## Cynthia

I think that @SpinyNorman made a good point in trying to establish some boundaries before completely cutting your father off and that he may have some memory issues if he forgot your birthday.

Also, he probably relied on your mother for all of that in the past. He's probably lonely without her.

I'm not saying to excuse poor treatment, but there could be more going on here.

If you feel taken advantage of, it is a good idea to decide what your boundaries are and to enforce them by simply not being at his beck and call. He's gotten used to being doted on and now that you're mother is gone you're it.


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## Tomara

I am worried about his cognitive behavior but I can’t say anything to him. He will be 78 this year, works at Menards full time since my mothers death, plays golf and has his friends. He has even had two dates with an old friend of my mom and dads. I never said a word to him about the dates. I don’t interfere with his life but I do a lot for him.

My sister has only ever taken from my parents and never given back. I can’t rely on her because she doesn’t have her **** together and never will.

Yes, I will step back and appreciate your wise words. The way I see it, it’s not my job to get him a frigging date, it’s not my job to take verbal abuse from him. He may be willing to forget 58 years of marriage to my mother but I am not ready to disrespect the memory of my mother.

I think it’s time I let go of him and made myself the priority


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## Tomara

Boundaries is the word of the day. A councilor told me I have issues with boundaries....... she is right.

That being said, he is my father and I love him I just don’t respect him now. 

He has to know that an apology is required. If he isn’t humbled in some way the behavior won’t stop!


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## Openminded

IIRC, he has basically treated you this way your entire life? He's very likely not going to change the way he deals with you but you most certainly can change the way you deal with him.


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## Tomara

Yes he has always been manipulative in our relationship. 
He wishes to move on so quickly then it will be without me. I am standing my ground for the first time. 
If this is his choice then he will lose his daughter.


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## Normm

I don't think you're being reasonable. 

Sorry your mother died but now your father is looking to move on. 

Who are you to decide how long he needs to wait before he puts himself out there?

Some of us heal faster than others, some of us bury our grief and meeting someone new helps hide it. Not saying it's the best way to handle it but it's the person's choice. 

I think you're out of line making these decisions for him.


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## Magnesium

Why is your sister selfish for living her own life in another place? Because you made a different choice? 

I don't think you have to cut your father off. You need to start with some healthy boundaries first. There's nothing wrong with your father dating again, but you don't have to be involved. If he asked for your help with setting up a dating profile, why can't you just say that you're not able to help with that, instead of putting random, meaningless contingencies on it? THAT's manipulative. 

Start implementing some boundaries with the right tone and attitude and I think you'll find things improve.


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## Tomara

Normm said:


> I don't think you're being reasonable.
> 
> 
> 
> Sorry your mother died but now your father is looking to move on.
> 
> 
> 
> Who are you to decide how long he needs to wait before he puts himself out there?
> 
> 
> 
> Some of us heal faster than others, some of us bury our grief and meeting someone new helps hide it. Not saying it's the best way to handle it but it's the person's choice.
> 
> 
> 
> I think you're out of line making these decisions for him.




Wait a minute! I didn’t tell him he couldn’t date. I told him I would not help him until a year after my mother passed. That is certainly my choice. 

He had already been out on a date and it wasn’t my place to say anything. I wasn’t involved with that.


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## Normm

There's no law that says you have to help your father. 

I'm simply suggesting that you don't judge him on him wanting to date and yes you agree to help him set up a dating profile even though him doing so doesn't meet your "time to wait" criteria.


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## Tomara

Magnesium said:


> Why is your sister selfish for living her own life in another place? Because you made a different choice?
> 
> 
> 
> I don't think you have to cut your father off. You need to start with some healthy boundaries first. There's nothing wrong with your father dating again, but you don't have to be involved. If he asked for your help with setting up a dating profile, why can't you just say that you're not able to help with that, instead of putting random, meaningless contingencies on it? THAT's manipulative.
> 
> 
> 
> Start implementing some boundaries with the right tone and attitude and I think you'll find things improve.




You are right I don’t have to be involved and by me saying I would not help him, he started this fight. My sister is selfish because doesn’t help and being the only other sibling she should help. Why do I have to do it all?

Boy some of you have been down right rude in a very emotional situation,


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## Tomara

Norman 
The time frame is solely mine not my fathers. He can do what he wants but without my help. We all grieve differently, he is in a different place than I am


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## Normm

Tomara said:


> Norman
> The time frame is solely mine not my fathers. He can do what he wants but without my help. We all grieve differently, he is in a different place than I am
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Of course you have different time frames. You are projecting your longer time frame onto your father who is satisfied and comfortable with a shorter time frame, and that's selfish and unfair and it's going to cause problems in your relationship. 

Let me try to give it to you from a father's perspective, as I am a middle aged guy with daughters in their 20s. I have worked hard my entire life for them, provided for them given them what they need including a roof over their head, food on the table, paid for their education, given them money when they need it, and countless other items while expecting nothing in return. 

Every so often there is an opportunity for them to help me out. It doesn't happen often but when it does, yes I expect they will be there for me and help me in whatever way possible, as I have always done for them. It's give and take, and includes compromise and willingness to step outside of our own limited self imposed boundaries and respect the feelings of others. 

If I was your dad and I asked my daughter for help putting up a dating site because I felt I was ready and all I got was anger, disapproval and refusal I'd probably cut her out of my life- at least temporarily. Who needs that sort of disrespect and ungratefulness, I sure don't and neither does your dad.


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## Noble1

As you mentioned the idea of boundaries will help you well.

I have a similar situation with my parents (who live next to me in a 'flex suite') but I have had to setup some hard boundaries due to various issues. 

It is a bit uncomfortable sometimes, but the boundaries need to be there to ensure a peace of sorts.

If they need help, I'm still there. It's just that they are not welcome to come over at anytime and 'mind my and my family's business'.

It's working out and we take it from there.

Good luck.


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## Magnesium

Tomara said:


> You are right I don’t have to be involved and by me saying I would not help him, he started this fight. My sister is selfish because doesn’t help and being the only other sibling she should help. Why do I have to do it all?
> 
> Boy some of you have been down right rude in a very emotional situation,
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



Maybe your sister is just maintaining her own healthy boundaries. You don't have to do it all; you choose to do it all. 

Maybe your tone or facial expression or a hint of attitude when you told him you wouldn't help him with that is what sparked his anger? Can you think back to that interaction and remember what words were used? That sound of your voice/his voice? Did you get upset that he asked? Did you mention your own judgment about him dating? Were you in any way making him responsible for your own feelings about your mother's death?

You don't need to answer ME, or here. I think it would be wise to review the interactions with a different perspective to see where you could make changes in the future. It doesn't need to be an all or nothing situation - that is indicative to me that your emotions dictate your behavior. Baby steps. First you need to recognize your own role in this and what you can do to change it.

Also, I don't understand what is so very emotional about this situation specifically. Can you clarify?


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## Normm

Magnesium said:


> Also, I don't understand what is so very emotional about this situation specifically. Can you clarify?


I know this question was directed at the original poster but if I may, I think this sort of thing happens quite frequently between a child and his or her parents after a split, and moreso after a death. The child thinks the parent who is looking to date others is in some way disrespecting the other parent. 

Heck I've heard stories where older children physically prevent the parent from leaving the house to go on a date because they didn't approve!


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## Magnesium

Normm said:


> I know this question was directed at the original poster but if I may, I think this sort of thing happens quite frequently between a child and his or her parents after a split, and moreso after a death. The child thinks the parent who is looking to date others is in some way disrespecting the other parent.
> 
> Heck I've heard stories where older children physically prevent the parent from leaving the house to go on a date because they didn't approve!


Yeah, I'm aware of that. I find it rather silly and selfish, personally. And, my dad waited a whole WEEK after mom died!


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## Normm

Magnesium said:


> And, my dad waited a whole WEEK after mom died!


Sometimes we just need to fill the void. 

Pun intended


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## Ms. GP

I can relate so much to what your going through. My mother was on dating websites three weeks after my father's death. They we're married for 40 years By six months, she had three different "fiance's" . One of whom was a scammer from Africa!! She was completely insensitive to her children's grief. Even went as far as to say my father was on dating websites before his death. The man couldn't get out of bed for a year and a half. She would try to call me with all her dating drama. I finally ended contact with her for that and about a million other reasons. She apparently has a new fiance that she's managed to keep around for about a year. I'm glad she has someone to take care of her. She's just one of those people that can't be alone I guess. I don't really care about her love life. Quite frankly, it's none of my business and I want to keep it that way. 

Personally, I think if you're not able to set up your own profile, you're not ready for internet dating. Too many weirdo's and scammers out there. You have a right to set up whatever boundaries you choose. I personally think him trying to force your involvement in his love life is extremely selfish.


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## Tomara

I was very calm with my father. I did not tell him he wouldn’t do what he wanted. I simply stated I wasn’t going to help. That is a boundary. 

I am sure he is probably lonely and if he chooses to see woman then that is up to him. I only got angry after he got mad at me. I didn’t get angry to his face, only after I went home. 


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## Normm

Tomara said:


> I was very calm with my father. I did not tell him he wouldn’t do what he wanted. I simply stated I wasn’t going to help. That is a boundary.


And that is what is going to ruin the the relationship with your father. For years, if not forever. You can always say to people "I no longer speak to my father because he wanted me to do something for him that I did not approve of or agree with". 

I sure hope maintaining your boundaries is worth the cost. 

Not too many fathers out there to pick from you know.


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## wilson

Ms. GP said:


> Personally, I think if you're not able to set up your own profile, you're not ready for internet dating. Too many weirdo's and scammers out there.


I didn't even think about that aspect! But yes, you must be worried about scammers. Likely your dad will get many offers from scammers pretending to be beautiful women who charm him and then ask for money for sick relatives or plane tickets. They prey on older people. Look on the internet and you will find many heartbreaking stories from people who can't stop their parents from sending thousands of dollars to scammers.

It might be a good thing to help him setup a dating profile so that you have full access to it. Check it on a regular basis to watch out for "women" trying to scam him out of money. Those scammers are ruthless and will take your dad for every dollar he has.


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## Bananapeel

@Tomara, are you going to be OK with taking a step back and sacrificing part of your relationship with your father or is it something you'll regret down the road after he's also gone? You're in a tough spot, so spend some time thinking about which actions you'll be OK with and which you'd regret after he's gone, then choose accordingly. Good luck with your decision.


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## Ms. GP

People don't get to crap on you just because they are older or family members. In my experience, it was worth it.

But I'm not trying to tell you what to do. I do think your feelings are completely understandable. Just don't fall for the guilt factor of their going to be dead one day. You don't have to be doormat.


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## Normm

Interesting points made above. 

Your father is clearly not internet savvy. He's asking his daughter for help, having waited the better part of a year (unclear how many days remain until the magical 365 that is what her boundaries require).

Since she has adamantly refused, now dad is going to do it on his own, to the best of his ability. He'll manage to put together some sort of profile, he will most likely be exposed to scammers, and he may very well be a victim and lose some or a lot of cash. 

His daughter has the opportunity to help him, guide him and be a source of support, however she has declined the opportunity for reasons that are quite valid- to her- and no one is going to change her mind. 

Wouldn't it be ironic if dad got scammed out of all his money and she lost her inheritance?

That's karma.


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## SpinyNorman

Normm said:


> I know this question was directed at the original poster but if I may, I think this sort of thing happens quite frequently between a child and his or her parents after a split, and moreso after a death. The child thinks the parent who is looking to date others is in some way disrespecting the other parent.


There are also cases where they don't want the parent to marry b/c that might complicate the inheritance picture. But I am not saying this is the case here.


> Heck I've heard stories where older children physically prevent the parent from leaving the house to go on a date because they didn't approve!


Unless the person who wants to leave is in some sort of guardian relationship due to disability, preventing them from leaving is a felony.


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## Normm

SpinyNorman said:


> There are also cases where they don't want the parent to marry b/c that might complicate the inheritance picture. But I am not saying this is the case here.


Excellent point. "If my surviving parent meets someone new and marries them, there goes my inheritance!"

Of course if she pisses him off enough, he'll disinherit her anyway. 



SpinyNorman said:


> Unless the person who wants to leave is in some sort of guardian relationship due to disability, preventing them from leaving is a felony.


True. Robbing a bank is a felony too, but that doesn't stop people from doing it.


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## notmyrealname4

Good for you for getting angry! Sounds like it's long overdue as far as your father and sister are concerned.

Sorry for the loss of your mother last year. Kudos to you for handling all the necessary formalities and arrangements. Not easy when you are grieving, unsupported, for someone you loved. Did your sister help at all?

Let him figure out dating sites on his own if it's so important to him. Especially since he was so disrespectful to the memory of your mother. 58 years and he wants to get rid of her stuff after a week? Ugh.

If he's got time to play golf; he's got time to go online and figure out this crap for himself. And, apparently, he's already had a couple of dates without help from the internet. So, don't expend any of your precious energy helping him out with romantic ventures.

Sounds like sis' might have done a bunk to get away from him. That's all fine and good. But it *doesn't* mean you should get stuck with all the dogsbody work of babysitting your elderly father.

I think it sounds like a good idea to sell the duplex and move away. At least to the other end of town.

It's my experience, that if people have disrespected you and taken advantage of you during the entire relationship (family, romantic, workplace, friendships --doesn't matter what type of relationship)---then they will ALWAYS disrespect you.

Since he is 78, is there a chance he's not long for this world? In that case, you might want to suck up to him, because YOU should get everything in his estate when he kicks the can.

I have no problem advocating a materialistic outlook to someone such as yourself, who has been the unpaid servant of her father [and late, beloved mother] for years.

Watch out for the strange plot twist, where he leaves everything in his will to the sister who flew the coop and has never lifted a finger to help him. I've seen this scenario in my own family. Great grandfather taken in by my grandparents. Who housed, fed, clothed him in his declining years. Got him all his medical care. Cleaned the poopy diapers and bed sheets when he became incontinent.

What happened when he died? He left everything to one of his sons who never so much as visited him once after he needed caretaking.

So CYA, tomara. What @wilson says about scammers taking advantage of an old guy by getting their hooks into him (and his $$) is a strong possibility. Especially if they are young women---why would they want an elderly man for a boyfriend? That could give you motivation to "help" him with his dating profile. Though it makes me mad that you would have to do that. At least it might be beneficial to you that your potential inheritance doesn't get squandered.

I don't see how you could be so patient for so long. So much tyrannical, disrespectful, abusive behavior is suffered by adult children at the hands of their parents. And it's about time that, as a society, we recognize that many, many parents are not good people, and they don't have their children's interest at hand. They couldn't care less, actually.


Have you considered that he didn't "forget" your birthday. He just chose not to do anything about it?

For those saying he is forgetful, suffering dementia. etc. Why would Menards employ him fulltime if that were the case?


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## Normm

notmyrealname4 said:


> Watch out for the strange plot twist, where he leaves everything in his will to the sister who flew the coop and has never lifted a finger to help him.


My guess is he's already got an appointment with his attorney to give everything to charity. 

If he hasn't yet, he will when he finds out she's selling his home out from under him.


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## Tomara

Normm said:


> Interesting points made above.
> 
> 
> 
> Your father is clearly not internet savvy. He's asking his daughter for help, having waited the better part of a year (unclear how many days remain until the magical 365 that is what her boundaries require).
> 
> 
> 
> Since she has adamantly refused, now dad is going to do it on his own, to the best of his ability. He'll manage to put together some sort of profile, he will most likely be exposed to scammers, and he may very well be a victim and lose some or a lot of cash.
> 
> 
> 
> His daughter has the opportunity to help him, guide him and be a source of support, however she has declined the opportunity for reasons that are quite valid- to her- and no one is going to change her mind.
> 
> 
> 
> Wouldn't it be ironic if dad got scammed out of all his money and she lost her inheritance?
> 
> 
> 
> That's karma.




I have had about enough of your condescending attitude. It is my right to grieve a year or ten years. The suggestion and statement you are making are uncalled for. Why is it my job to help my father date? He’s a grown man. Remember he is the one to start the fight, not me. I have always been the peace maker and made the first step in ending the arguments between my dad and I. 

Now I asking kindly, if you are just going to be hateful please leave the thread.


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## Tomara

Normm said:


> My guess is he's already got an appointment with his attorney to give everything to charity.
> 
> 
> 
> If he hasn't yet, he will when he finds out she's selling his home out from under him.




I can’t sell his home, it’s in both of our names. What he does with his money is his business. I hope he spends every dime on himself and enjoys life to the fullest. 


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## Normm

Tomara said:


> I can’t sell his home, it’s in both of our names.


In your very first post you said "I am thinking of selling our duplex".


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## Tomara

Not once have I said I don’t want my father to be happy, find someone to share his life with. He deserves to enjoy his life.

I said I wasn’t going to help him right now. Conjecture from of few of you are just down right ignorant. Your words not mine.



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## notmyrealname4

Tomara said:


> I can’t sell his home, it’s in both of our names. What he does with his money is his business. I hope he spends every dime on himself and enjoys life to the fullest.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




If you really feel that way, and it doesn't bother you if he leaves all his dough to a "hookup" on Tinder [or the senior version of it]....then jettison him from your life.

Your conscience is too highly developed to allow you to do that. So, jettison him as much as possible. Continue to do the morally correct thing of checking up on him occasionally to ensure he hasn't "fallen and can't get up".

Keep your boundaries and don't stand for being used.


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## Tomara

We have a clause, if either one wishes to end living next door to each other then the duplex will be sold.


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## Normm

Tomara said:


> Not once have I said I don’t want my father to be happy, find someone to share his life with. He deserves to enjoy his life.


Do you think your 78 year old father (who is trying to rebuild his life after the death of his wife) will enjoy being ousted from his home because you plan to exercise your right to sell it out from under him?


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## notmyrealname4

Tomara said:


> Not once have I said I don’t want my father to be happy, find someone to share his life with. He deserves to enjoy his life.
> 
> I said I wasn’t going to help him right now. Conjecture from of few of you are just down right ignorant. Your words not mine.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk





Tomara said:


> We have a clause, if either one wishes to end living next door to each other then the duplex will be sold.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




More power to you Tomara.

I [obviously] am "triggered" by issues around abusive parents, so I hope I have not projected overmuch onto you.


After your head cools a little bit, and you are perhaps wondering what exactly you should do, could you perhaps seek some type of counseling/intervention. Not for you exactly; but is there anyone who could advise you of how to navigate the difficulties of being the child solely responsible for an elderly parent's care?


https://www.agingcare.com/caregiver-forum/questions

I just did a cursory search, and found the above. Might not be what you are looking for; but there are surely forums, or real life counseling services that you could get guidance from. TAM is a good place to vent; but since it doesn't specialize in eldercare, it might be limited as a resource.

Wish you all the best of luck going forward.


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## Blondilocks

Tomara had already addressed helping her dad set up a dating profile with the caveat that she wanted to wait until the traditional 1 year grieving period for her mother had passed. She gets to grieve, too. It is not just about daddy. 

Her dad needs to respect her wishes or ask a golf buddy to help him. He's behaving like a spoiled child. 

The next time he gives you a list of chores to do for him, advise him that you are not his servant. If he has the energy to cat around, he has the energy to do his own errands and chores (which is exactly what my husband told his own father after mil passed).

So sorry you're having to deal with this, Tomara.


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## Cletus

I get the being angry with him about forgetting you. That hurts, no doubt.

Once you agree to help him with his internet profile, I think you lose the right to determine the schedule. Your father isn't 12, and shouldn't be treated like he is. That sounds like the most controlling thing I've heard someone say in a long time - "You're not tech savvy, cannot do it yourself, so I'm going to effectively determine your online dating timeline". Were I him, I'd be livid. 

You're right, you don't have to do it. But why do you have to hold him hostage to your demands? If you won't do it, point him to someone you trust who will.


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## Blondilocks

No one is holding him hostage. Geez. He knew her stipulation and could have asked one of his friends to help him. 

It's the same old TAM crap - men can do no wrong so the wimenz just need to suck it up and shut up.


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## Tomara

Cletus said:


> I get the being angry with him about forgetting you. That hurts, no doubt.
> 
> Once you agree to help him with his internet profile, I think you lose the right to determine the schedule. Your father isn't 12, and shouldn't be treated like he is. That sounds like the most controlling thing I've heard someone say in a long time - "You're not tech savvy, cannot do it yourself, so I'm going to effectively determine your online dating timeline". Were I him, I'd be livid.
> 
> You're right, you don't have to do it. But why do you have to hold him hostage to your demands? If you won't do it, point him to someone you trust who will.




Cletus
I did agree to help him after mom had been gone for a year. Two frigging months is all he has to wait. I never told him I would help him on his schedule. 

Those that suggest I would be happy with scammer, hookers, and such are making stupid statements. The internet dating is scary and dangerous for one that does not know how to navigate.

So let’s put this into play.... I sign him up, I have to be over at his place every night because he can’t work the computer. Most guys are going to want to see if they have action on the “site”, this will require my help. Answer, I am over there all the time making sure he is safe. 

I have spent the last 10 years of my life devote to their care. I love my Dad but I have to have my life too.

Simply put, my father is behaving life a 5 year old that didn’t get what he wanted! I will give him time to think about all that took place. If he can’t say he is sorry then I have to understand that I am not worth a sorry I made a mistake.

I thank the people on here that have given useful advise. 




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## Tomara

Normm said:


> Do you think your 78 year old father (who is trying to rebuild his life after the death of his wife) will enjoy being ousted from his home because you plan to exercise your right to sell it out from under him?




Norman you have nothing to contribute to help. Back out and shut up.


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## Ms. GP

Tomara said:


> So let’s put this into play.... I sign him up, I have to be over at his place every night because he can’t work the computer. Most guys are going to want to see if they have action on the “site”, this will require my help. Answer, I am over there all the time making sure he is safe.
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Oh man. Be careful with this. There are some things you just can't unsee. In my mother's case. It was scammers, sexting with horny old dudes, and the occasional regular weirdo. She had one dude have a major heart attack on their first date. She had to stay with him in the hospital for a week, then take care of him for three more, then he dumped her when he could finally leave. You can't make this stuff up!!


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

This has nothing to do with gender... the core of it is how does one temper compassion and kindness with boundaries.

@Tomara, clauses are placed into contracts for reasons... if you choose to exercise your legal right to sell do it with patience knowing there will be action and reaction to it. I would give a timeframe for the listing of something that would allow reasonable time to locate and relocate according to the market in your area... do both of you have reserves to make the move before the property hits the market? See if you can meter this into something that is negotiable. In the end, you have the right to do what you wish of course.

Your dad knows that his life's time is limited... this can be shown in many ways but the most often one is the right to say what is felt without concern of others. I lived this with my grandmother and her words and actions didn't leave me with wonderful thoughts over the years of verbal abuse... it was not pleasant for sure and quite hurtful to those it was directed at.. when they came at me I would simply let her know I was sorry she felt that way and get up to leave her to it to return later when the words were kinder. If she was still provoking, I would leave again and eventually she realized when she was not nice I would leave so eventually it was learned that angry outbursts about people equaled alone so she would curb her curt to have my company.

Perhaps that would work for you...

Abuse is abuse... whether words or actions matters not and while age can be a factor in patience it cannot be forgotten that kindness is a two-way street all deserve. It sounds as your father gets around well enough to sort out his own dating and he should... let him know you will leave him to it and be happy you have a decision and boundary for yourself. He may not like it... he may retaliate in ways most unkind... that is his suffering so leave him to that with responses that don't have anywhere to land a continued arguement or simply step aside.

Stepping aside is a choice you know? ;-)

I do have a question though... does he do online banking?


----------



## Tomara

Emerging Buddhist said:


> This has nothing to do with gender... the core of it is how does one temper compassion and kindness with boundaries.
> 
> @Tomara, clauses are placed into contracts for reasons... if you choose to exercise your legal right to sell do it with patience knowing there will be action and reaction to it. I would give a timeframe for the listing of something that would allow reasonable time to locate and relocate according to the market in your area... do both of you have reserves to make the move before the property hits the market? See if you can meter this into something that is negotiable. In the end, you have the right to do what you wish of course.
> 
> Your dad knows that his life's time is limited... this can be shown in many ways but the most often one is the right to say what is felt without concern of others. I lived this with my grandmother and her words and actions didn't leave me with wonderful thoughts over the years of verbal abuse... it was not pleasant for sure and quite hurtful to those it was directed at.. when they came at me I would simply let her know I was sorry she felt that way and get up to leave her to it to return later when the words were kinder. If she was still provoking, I would leave again and eventually she realized when she was not nice I would leave so eventually it was learned that angry outbursts about people equaled alone so she would curb her curt to have my company.
> 
> Perhaps that would work for you...
> 
> Abuse is abuse... whether words or actions matters not and while age can be a factor in patience it cannot be forgotten that kindness is a two-way street all deserve. It sounds as your father gets around well enough to sort out his own dating and he should... let him know you will leave him to it and be happy you have a decision and boundary for yourself. He may not like it... he may retaliate in ways most unkind... that is his suffering so leave him to that with responses that don't have anywhere to land a continued arguement or simply step aside.
> 
> Stepping aside is a choice you know? ;-)
> 
> I do have a question though... does he do online banking?




Yes he has online banking, I have spent the last 10 months teaching how to use it. Seems mostly men on here don’t have a clue what is actually happening. 

At this point I am going to disregard the hurtful comments. I care deeply for my father but I can’t change him at this point, I can change me. I am 55 years old. I have been the caregiver to both parents. I am tired of the worry. I talked with my Dads sister tonight and asked them to help keep an eye on him. 




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## Marc878

You have value too. It's time you lived life for yourself. 

I've seen this many times. The ones who do the most get taken advantage of.

It's past time to live your own life as you choose.


----------



## Tomara

Marc878 said:


> You have value too. It's time you lived life for yourself.
> 
> 
> 
> I've seen this many times. The ones who do the most get take advantage of.
> 
> 
> 
> It's past time to live your own life as you choose.




Thank you! I agree 100%


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Normm

i feel so sorry for this man and I know so little about him. Only that he lost his wife (to whom he was married to for at least 30 years) within the past year, he's at the ripe old age of 78, past the average life expectancy of an average man; with perhaps a few years left in his life. He's lonely, and probably somewhat afraid so he turns to one of the few people he feels he can ask for help: his daughter who he raised through the age of 17 and asks her for assistance so that he can possibly find an elderly female companion with whom to spend some time with and not be so lonely as he lives out the last of his days and he gets in return "Nope not gonna help dad you must wait a year (even if you don't live that long)!", to be followed by "I'm exercising my right to sell the duplex so you're going to have to pack your things and find another place to live". 

Damn I sure hope most kids aren't like this. It's so unrewarding to be a parent nowadays.


----------



## EleGirl

Tomara said:


> Norman you have nothing to contribute to help. Back out and shut up.


Um, talking like this to other members is not acceptable. This is an open forum, you will get all sorts of input. Take the ones that you feel are helpful and ignore the rest. But DO NOT tell people to shut up, get off your thread, etc.

Please read TAM's posting rules.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/forum-guidelines/350914-posting-guidelines-forum-rules-2018-a.html


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## MattMatt

Magnesium said:


> Why is your sister selfish for living her own life in another place? Because you made a different choice?
> 
> I don't think you have to cut your father off. You need to start with some healthy boundaries first. There's nothing wrong with your father dating again, but you don't have to be involved. If he asked for your help with setting up a dating profile, why can't you just say that you're not able to help with that, instead of putting random, meaningless contingencies on it? THAT's manipulative.
> 
> Start implementing some boundaries with the right tone and attitude and I think you'll find things improve.


Some children do not get to make that choice. The rest of the family runs away and leaves one child to do it all.


----------



## Blondilocks

Cletus, you can tell me to piss off until the cows come home; but, that doesn't put you in the right. Actually, it proves my point. Just remember to not tell other members to shut up because that is against the rules.


----------



## arbitrator

Tomara said:


> Right now I am so angry with my father I can’t see straight. I am the “good” daughter and have been taking care of my parents for over 10 years, my life on hold. My mother passed away less than a year ago. I stepped up and handled everything from the mortuary, funeral and getting rid of my sweet mothers thing. She couldn’t be dead a week before he was removing her memory.
> 
> He was suppose to take me out Monday for my birthday. He forgot dinner and he forgot my birthday.
> 
> Tonight I went to see him. He asked me to about 4 things for him, okay not a problem. Then he asked me to get him on a dating site. I reminded him that I would help but not until mom had been gone a year. All this just tears my heart out but I keep my mouth shut. I told him before about the one year mark of mothers death and internet dating.
> 
> He proceeded to cop an attitude and get angry with me. I calmly told him there was no reason for him to treat me like that. Oh that ticked him off even more. I just got up and left him.
> 
> I am so angry and I hate that feeling of shaking mad, not my personality. I am cooked, done, tired of being the only one to deal with him. Why can’t my sister step up to the plate? She is selfish? She lives to far away by her choice?
> 
> Well, at this moment I am thinking about selling our duplex (we live in it together) and parting ways with my father. I am done with being responsible for him. Mom is gone and he can’t respect how I feel.
> 
> Never thought I would ever ever ever want to not have a damn thing to do with my Dad but I reached my breaking point. Sorry this is so long, needed to get it off my chest before I just breaking down into a weeping mess.
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


*Sorry, Sweetheart for what you're enduring! Your Dad never learned the lesson of humility and is kicking you in the gut over it!

I'll be praying for you both!*


----------



## 269370

As always with those threads, people will identify with both sides and take positions/project accordingly.

There's probably a balanced perspective somewhere in here; it often happens that after the death of a parent, there can be a lot of misdirected emotional turmoil (those are often directed at various members of the family), exacerbated with the general feeling of having the full burden of responsibility to take care of someone.

While some parents become too reliable on the help from their kids (even while they are still perfectly capable, physically and mentally) and expect their kids to do everything for them.

Maybe the best thing to do is let the OP vent a bit and let her come to the realisation herself what is best for her and her father. This is a very emotional time for everyone and everyone will be coping very differently in those situations. (Some try to move on as quickly as possible - it doesn't mean they are not grieving).


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## Tomara

EleGirl said:


> Um, talking like this to other members is not acceptable. This is an open forum, you will get all sorts of input. Take the ones that you feel are helpful and ignore the rest. But DO NOT tell people to shut up, get off your thread, etc.
> 
> 
> 
> Please read TAM's posting rules.
> 
> 
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/forum-guidelines/350914-posting-guidelines-forum-rules-2018-a.html




Sorry EleGirl. I knew better and should have kept my mouth shut.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Tomara

inmyprime said:


> As always with those threads, people will identify with both sides and take positions/project accordingly.
> 
> 
> 
> There's probably a balanced perspective somewhere in here; it often happens that after the death of a parent, there can be a lot of misdirected emotional turmoil (those are often directed at various members of the family), exacerbated with the general feeling of having the full burden of responsibility to take care of someone.
> 
> 
> 
> While some parents become too reliable on the help from their kids (even while they are still perfectly capable, physically and mentally) and expect their kids to do everything for them.
> 
> 
> 
> Maybe the best thing to do is let the OP vent a bit and let her come to the realisation herself what is best for her and her father. This is a very emotional time for everyone and everyone will be coping very differently in those situations. (Some try to move on as quickly as possible - it doesn't mean they are not grieving).




Inmyprime
You are so right it is a very emotional time for our family. To many firsts without Mom being there. 

I know my Dad needs companionship and I want that for him. But as his daughter it’s not my place really to help in that area. 

I hope my Dad comes to his senses and just apologizes for treating me poorly.


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## Magnesium

MattMatt said:


> Some children do not get to make that choice. The rest of the family runs away and leaves one child to do it all.


Yeah, I was that child. And then I realized it was my choice, too.


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## Openminded

Has your father ever apologized in the past for things he's said?


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## Spicy

First and foremost, I am so truly sorry for the loss of your sweet mom.

Second, you are much nicer than me, that you offered to help after a year. I could never help my surviving parent try to find dates. That is way out of my comfort zone, and I agree, how exactly is this YOUR job? Gross. No way.

Third, you are a great person. Because of that, I know time will heal this hurt, and you and your dad will be okay. Nobody can get us madder than our parents or our spouse. Sometimes each can make me see red, when no one else can. It's because there is so much love and emotion there. 

You still have a rough road ahead of you since the care seems as if it will remain all on your shoulders. I wish you the very best, and hope it goes as smooth as possible. Big hugs!


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## Tomara

Openminded said:


> Has your father ever apologized in the past for things he's said?




Lol only when my mother would tell him he was being an ass and he should apologize.


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## Openminded

Tomara said:


> Lol only when my mother would tell him he was being an ass and he should apologize.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



Old dogs are usually slow to learn new tricks so he likely won't volunteer an apology this time -- unless it benefits him to do so.


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## wilson

It sounds like there are a lot of issues between you two, and the dating thing was just the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back" that motivated you to start the thread. Let's be honest--even if you helped him make the profile, the underlying issues wouldn't go away. He is going to treat you like his servant and expect you to do everything for him no matter if you do this or not.

The reality is that he is like this and it is very unlikely he will change. Maybe he will change one day, but there's certainly no guaranteed way to change his personality. But you have control over how his behavior affects you. Even though he treats you like his servant, you don't have to act like one. You shouldn't feel obligated to meet his every demand. And you certainly don't have to accept him talking poorly to you. Feel free to respond to him with something like "I don't like it when you talk to me like that. Ask me later when you can do so politely and with respect." He's not going to be happy about that, but eventually the problem will solve itself. Either he'll be more polite or he'll find someone else to boss around.


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## lifeistooshort

Tomara, I would suggest that you be careful not to overlap your issues.

It seems to me that you have two separate issues here.

First is your father's dating life. That is none of your business. Zero. If it makes you uncomfortable to help him get dates, which i totally get, then you are certainly under no obligation to do it. Just drop the one year thing..... that is treating him like a child. 

He's 78 and may not have a lot of time left. Him dating has NOTHING to do with you mourning your mother. And his relationship with her as his wife is separate from your relationship with her as your mother. You get to decide how you grieve...not how he grieves.

Also understand that if you leave it to him, he may get scammed, as has been pointed out. He may get scammed anyway, but leaving him to his own devices increases that risk. 

Make the decision that's best for you, just do it with the understanding of the risks involved. Staying out of his dating life might be worth that risk. 

The second issue is his treatment of you. That issue has nothing to do with this magical one year timeline. If he's treated you poorly you have every right to respond appropriately and that may includes refusal to help him. That is well within your rights. But him waiting this year for your help isn't going to negate his poor treatment of you, so don't claim this has to do with your mother.

Keep these two issues separate. 

I am sorry for your mother's paasing.... my father passed 6 years ago and I miss him every day.


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## Emerging Buddhist

Tomara said:


> *Yes he has online banking, I have spent the last 10 months teaching how to use it.* Seems mostly men on here don’t have a clue what is actually happening.
> 
> At this point I am going to disregard the hurtful comments. I care deeply for my father but I can’t change him at this point, I can change me. I am 55 years old. I have been the caregiver to both parents. I am tired of the worry. I talked with my Dads sister tonight and asked them to help keep an eye on him.


Yes, everyone dismisses the support requirement, don't they? My cousins were pumped to get my grandmother a computer for email until I told them we would be doing rotating weeks for support calls (I am the only one in IT and management at that), then it wasn't such a hot idea and dropped. :laugh:

As you diffuse, the below help:

I'm sorry you feel that way.
I see things differently.
I’m not okay with x.
​
They allow you to set and maintain boundaries and transition from tension with grace. Most importantly, do everything with a measure of kindness up front...kindness to yourself first with a pause and a breath remembering respond, not react, and realize that when others treat you poorly it is their suffering that brings out the worst in them. Often, a nice way to ease past is to not focus on the hurt but the lesson it is teaching us, how we would choose not to be as a witness to that suffering and then find a way to help that fits our healthy boundaries.

Peace be with you...:smile2:


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## Yeswecan

Tomara said:


> Right now I am so angry with my father I can’t see straight. I am the “good” daughter and have been taking care of my parents for over 10 years, my life on hold. My mother passed away less than a year ago. I stepped up and handled everything from the mortuary, funeral and getting rid of my sweet mothers thing. She couldn’t be dead a week before he was removing her memory.
> 
> He was suppose to take me out Monday for my birthday. He forgot dinner and he forgot my birthday.
> 
> Tonight I went to see him. He asked me to about 4 things for him, okay not a problem. Then he asked me to get him on a dating site. I reminded him that I would help but not until mom had been gone a year. All this just tears my heart out but I keep my mouth shut. I told him before about the one year mark of mothers death and internet dating.
> 
> He proceeded to cop an attitude and get angry with me. I calmly told him there was no reason for him to treat me like that. Oh that ticked him off even more. I just got up and left him.
> 
> I am so angry and I hate that feeling of shaking mad, not my personality. I am cooked, done, tired of being the only one to deal with him. Why can’t my sister step up to the plate? She is selfish? She lives to far away by her choice?
> 
> Well, at this moment I am thinking about selling our duplex (we live in it together) and parting ways with my father. I am done with being responsible for him. Mom is gone and he can’t respect how I feel.
> 
> Never thought I would ever ever ever want to not have a damn thing to do with my Dad but I reached my breaking point. Sorry this is so long, needed to get it off my chest before I just breaking down into a weeping mess.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Sorry it has come to this. Truth be told, you only need to love your family. Liking them is not really a requirement. Yes, your father has very little respect for your feelings concerning the death of your mom. Darn crappy of him. I too had a sibling far from our parents and there was very little stewardship with care, etc. It was left to the kids close to home. Sure bet that distant sibling showed up when the will was read. Anyway, your father needs to start finding his own way. You can't be the "go to" person all the time because it starts to get abusive as everything becomes your problem. Move out. Forward an address. Your dad my get it and maybe not. Either way, it is not your responsibility to conduct his life.


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## Tomara

I do appreciate the helpful advice I have received. I pray that my Dad gets over his anger, mine is no longer there. 

Boundaries on my part will fix a lot of our issues. 


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## Bobby5000

You sound like a good daughter but why can't he date if he chooses. His only mistake was getting you involved which was inappropriate. Men have a harder time getting over spouse's death (higher rate of serious depression and suicide) but do tend to get active quicker. Many middle-aged widows never become active with another man.


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## Tomara

Bobby5000 said:


> You sound like a good daughter but why can't he date if he chooses. His only mistake was getting you involved which was inappropriate. Men have a harder time getting over spouse's death (higher rate of serious depression and suicide) but do tend to get active quicker. Many middle-aged widows never become active with another man.




He can date if he chooses and has had a couple of dates with a woman already. I did not say a thing to him about it one way or the other. I just am not able to assist him with his process at this time. 


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## Blondilocks

Tomara, take no notice. Schools are letting out.


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## Tomara

Mardelis said:


> Your unreasonable boundaries are what CAUSED the problem.
> 
> 
> 
> Nowhere in 5 pages of posts do you say why you think your father is abusive to you other than that he got angry with you for not helping him with a dating profile because it has not quite been the 1 year that you have decided is the proper amount of time to grieve.
> 
> 
> 
> Nor do you say how you have sacrificed so much to care for this man, who was independent and living with his wife for the better part of 60 years, independently of you. He's only be on his own for about 6 months, and he works a full time job and goes golfing with friends, so what could he possibly need from you?
> 
> 
> 
> Sounds like you are doing a lot of complaining about nothing.
> 
> 
> 
> So what if you have to help him with his internet once in a while, even a few minutes at the end of each day, he lives right next door to you!
> 
> 
> 
> So selfish.




You don’t read very well otherwise you would not have posted what you did. You have not walked in my shoes. I agree with good solid advises but yours is rubbish and immature. I refuse to justify poor behavior.


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## Tomara

Blondilocks said:


> Tomara, take no notice. Schools are letting out.




Apparent this is true. If I can be called out by a mod. I shall report full on attacks. We are suppose to show a moderate amount of respect.


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## Tomara

For some reason I cannot report, take a look at Mardelis. 


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## Marc878

You could have some fun with that. Hook him with a real ugly one with bad hygiene.


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## Tomara

I wouldn’t do that to pop lol


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## MattMatt

Tomara said:


> For some reason I cannot report, take a look at Mardelis.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Moderator note:

The status of Mardelis has been changed.


----------



## EleGirl

Tomara said:


> For some reason I cannot report, take a look at Mardelis.


You can report a post by using the triangular icon at the bottom of the column to the left of a post. 

Mardelis' post is deleted and he's banned. Did you notice that?


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## Tomara

EleGirl said:


> You can report a post by using the triangular icon at the bottom of the column to the left of a post.
> 
> 
> 
> Mardelis' post is deleted and he's banned. Did you notice that?




I use my phone so I don’t see the triangle for reporting. When I try, it states invalid password. Thank for taking care of the posted.


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## Elizabeth001

Tomara said:


> I use my phone so I don’t see the triangle for reporting. When I try, it states invalid password. Thank for taking care of the posted.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




Me too. Always has but I assumed it was because I use Tapatalk. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## SA2017

Tomara said:


> I am worried about his cognitive behavior but I can’t say anything to him. He will be 78 this year, works at Menards full time since my mothers death, plays golf and has his friends. He has even had two dates with an old friend of my mom and dads. I never said a word to him about the dates. I don’t interfere with his life but I do a lot for him.
> 
> My sister has only ever taken from my parents and never given back. I can’t rely on her because she doesn’t have her **** together and never will.
> 
> Yes, I will step back and appreciate your wise words. The way I see it, it’s not my job to get him a frigging date, it’s not my job to take verbal abuse from him. He may be willing to forget 58 years of marriage to my mother but I am not ready to disrespect the memory of my mother.
> 
> I think it’s time I let go of him and made myself the priority
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



wow, 58 years and he "moves on" that quick. how sad and disappointing. that wouldn't sit well with me as daughter. it seems he is in pretty good shape. GO AND LIVE YOUR LIFE!


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## Tomara

I agree that Dad should be active and happy. 

He is still mad at me which blows my mind. He is active like a 4 year old. 


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## Blondilocks

Tomara said:


> I agree that Dad should be active and happy.
> 
> He is still mad at me which blows my mind. He is active like a 4 year old.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


He can get happy in the same pants he got mad in. It isn't on you to cajole him out of it.


----------



## Openminded

He's waiting for you to smooth things over because that's your pattern and that's what he expects. 

He can stay angry if he wishes but you no longer have to play his game so leave him to his sulking and pouting.


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## Tomara

I am leaving him to sulk but I hate it because there are things he needs to know. My best friend lost her mother yesterday. My best friend drove 6 hours round trip to come to my mothers funeral and pay respect to my father and me. 
I have surgery tomorrow from an accident at work. He knows about the accident because it put me in the hospital but he doesn’t know about surgery tomorrow.
As the world turns.


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## lifeistooshort

You can actually call him to tell him things you feel he should know without catering to a tantrum.

Call, say dad... I'm having surgery tomorrow and Susan's mom died.

Thought you'd want to know. 

Then depending on his attitude you can end the conversation.


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## Tomara

lifeistooshort said:


> You can actually call him to tell him things you feel he should know without catering to a tantrum.
> 
> 
> 
> Call, say dad... I'm having surgery tomorrow and Susan's mom died.
> 
> 
> 
> Thought you'd want to know.
> 
> 
> 
> Then depending on his attitude you can end the conversation.




I will send him a text in the morning. He is asleep, man gets up at 4 in the morning to go to work. We may not be okay right now but I am proud of my Dad even if he is a butthead.


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## Vespil

A 78 year old man who gets up at 4 am to go to work is very impressive. 

A very resourceful guy your dad.


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## EleGirl

Tomara said:


> I agree that Dad should be active and happy.
> 
> He is still mad at me which blows my mind. He is active like a 4 year old.



Has someone filled his head with the idea that internet dating will somehow make his life better? It sounds like he thinks you are being a meanie and taking his candy away. I don't think he realizes that on-line dating is not all it's cracked up to be.

Maybe you should help him get online. He's 78 years old. He's not going to find many women interested in him on line. And the environment of online dating will probably shock him.


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## Vespil

My dad's in his 80s. Been doing the online dating thing for at least 10 years. He's met a lot of women, sure it's not the sort of action that happens when you're less than half his age, but he's made some friends, had nice conversations in a diner here or there and even had some short term connections, but of course at a much more dialed down pace than we might be used to. But for older folks, what else do they need? You dad is looking for some female companionship, and he knows he might not have much time left, he's apparently in good shape since he's still working and waking up at 4 am to do it, so I'd wish him well and yes if it was me I'd violate my own personal boundaries in order to assist him in reaching his own personal goals.


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## wilson

Have you ever considered getting your dad a place in an older-adult community? If he can live independently, he can rent a nice apartment and have social activities with people his own age. And in terms of dating, it may be a much better environment for him to meet someone.


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## Tomara

My Dad is looking for someone to do things with and I understand. I have no right to tell him that is wrong as he can and does make his own decisions.

He would not go into senior living, not near close to doing that. He might want to buy me out of half the duplex that way he doesn’t have to move. 

I need to talk to him but since he won’t talk to me it’s difficult. I want to tell him I am having major surgery on Thursday and feel stupid texting him. I may just walk over there, I guess I am the one that will have to give. Nothing ever changes.


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## Openminded

He's not going to change. Why should he. Your relationship works for him. If you stay there you'll always try to keep things on an even keel with him even when it doesn't benefit you. Ask him to buy you out and move on.


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## Tomara

I broke silence, my heart feels some relief. We did not talk about what started this mess. He was dead set on taking me to surgery even though my fiancé said he could do it, Dad even had tears come to his eyes.

We aren’t out of the woods in our thoughts and behaviors but just talking was so great. Right now with how bad I feel physically it’s wonderful not to have that wedge between my father and I. Constant pain can make you feel unable to deal. I hope I can sleep a bit better tonight. 




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## SpinyNorman

EleGirl said:


> Has someone filled his head with the idea that internet dating will somehow make his life better? It sounds like he thinks you are being a meanie and taking his candy away. I don't think he realizes that on-line dating is not all it's cracked up to be.
> 
> Maybe you should help him get online. *He's 78 years old. He's not going to find many women interested in him *on line. And the environment of online dating will probably shock him.


I don't know what online dating is like, but the gender differential is WAAAY in his favor at that age.


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## Blondilocks

@Tomara, am praying for a successful surgery and easy recovery for you. Take care and all the pampering you can get.


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## Trident

SpinyNorman said:


> I don't know what online dating is like, but the gender differential is WAAAY in his favor at that age.


All those single women aged 70-80 will be falling all over themselves to get to an active 78 year old guy.


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## 269370

Trident said:


> All those single women aged 70-80 will be falling all over themselves to get to an active 78 year old guy.




If they fall safely. Hip replacement is a ***.


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## Trident

inmyprime said:


> If they fall safely. Hip replacement is a *****.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It's only the one at the bottom of the pile that we need to worry about.


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## Tomara

Blondilocks said:


> @Tomara, am praying for a successful surgery and easy recovery for you. Take care and all the pampering you can get.




Thank you! They got over a liter of blood out out of the breast hematoma so I hope that gives me relief, Dad was nice and took me. 


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## Satya

@Tomara, sorry I'm late to your post. I don't come by as often as I used to.
I'm really glad that your surgery went well and you were able to reconnect somewhat with your dad. I hope you're well on the mend.

Going back to the original subject, sometimes we do have to exact boundaries, even with our own parents. There was a time when I was very, very close to disowning my mother because she was being so incredibly hurtful and disrespectful of my (self-admitted mature) adult choices. She was very selfish and self-sure. 

I came to realize eventually that she had a bitterness in her for reasons that had absolutely nothing to do with me and I could not control her reactions. I could only control mine and express the potential consequences from my end if she exhibited a behavior I was not OK with.

Good example was, when she was in the car with me. I'm not a seasoned driver. I learned to drive at 32. I've been driving for almost 6 years now. My mother is a very defensive driver, drove a tractor as a preteen, and has never, ever gotten a ticket. You can imagine the amount of backseat driving and criticism she gave me, when my driving was and has always been very good. I'm not a chicken and I'm not a hazard. I have never been in an accident and (knock on wood) I never will be. However, rather than see how safe of a driver I was and giving me the least bit of confidence in my abilities, she decided to constantly berate me for choices I made on the road as a driver that she disagreed with. One day I'd had enough, pulled over and told her that if she was unhappy she could get out and I'd call her an uber, that it was my car, my driving, my decisions and she was making me MORE nervous and MORE anxious with her criticisms and I did NOT care to continue driving with a HAZARD right by my side, in my ear.

She never said anything again. And now she actually appreciates that I drive when I visit so she doesn't always have to.

Anyway, my point is that hopefully you made a bit of a statement to your father with your actions. If you have to do it again, don't be surprised or sorry. Some people are just hardwired in ways we personally can't fathom or understand. Age could be playing a factor in his behavior as well, but that's still no excuse. Unless he's losing his mental faculties, he is still on the hook for behaving like a decent human being... as I think we all should. It's amazing the level of care you've given him and your mother, rest her soul. There are many, many children out there who would not have done as much.

(Last thing I'd offer is, if that's your actual picture in your profile, it's very pretty, but for your own safety and privacy I'd urge you to change it to something that is not an actual picture of you.)


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## UndecidedinNY

Is it possible your sister escaped because she was tired of his mistreatment? Honestly, just because you tolerate it, doesn't mean she has to share the burden. He doesn't respect your boundaries, had a wife and daughter who did everything for him, and is ready to not only replace said wife, but expects his daughter to help him? 

I understand he may be lonely and he can date if he wants, but HE should figure out how to sign himself up for a site, especially since his mind seems to already be on other women and not on his daughter at all (he even forgot your birthday). 

Once he has his new partner, you will likely be tossed totally aside, and while I don't think that's a bad thing, you will be hurt because you seem to have liked being so helpful to them for so many years.


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## Tomara

Once he has his new partner, you will likely be tossed totally aside, and while I don't think that's a bad thing, you will be hurt because you seem to have liked being so helpful to them for so many years.[/QUOTE]

I am okay with being set aside. I need to move on with my life. I got engaged on Christmas Eve, I am more than ready to start my life G. We are both getting our marriage annulled and they said don’t even set a wedding date as it will probably be over a year to finish the annulment. So, no set plans for sometime. 


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## Tomara

(Last thing I'd offer is, if that's your actual picture in your profile, it's very pretty, but for your own safety and privacy I'd urge you to change it to something that is not an actual picture of you.)[/QUOTE]

That is my actual picture. I figured on here it was a safe place. I took your advice and changed it. Thank you.





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## Blondilocks

@Tomara, hope your recovery is going well.


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## Tomara

I am wrapped up like a sausage and can hardly breathe. It’s like having a breast implant except opposite. The doc was able to draw a liter of blood and yuck from my breast in hopes that it stays that way. It’s not been an easy week or for that matter the last three weeks. 

Dad has been very kind and worried about me.


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## Blondilocks

Thanks for checking in.


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## SunCMars

They are our fathers.
We are not always their mirror image.

We see them when we look at their face and when we look in that mirror.
We see them not when we look in our soul as seen from afar and from the rear.

Our father brought us here sometimes blindly.
Our fathers sometimes led us astray, us left blindly.

Blindly flailing, seeing us failing.


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## Tomara

SunCMars you have not been so cryptic in your responses for some time. I think I feel blessed!!!!

I say that with the upmost respect because I see what you are saying.

I kneel with humble respect.




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## Tomara

Blondilocks said:


> @Tomara, hope your recovery is going well.



@Blondilocks

I wish the healing was going well. They had to open me up again. I am now having to pack the wound 4 times a day . Painful and grotesque!


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## Blondilocks

Sorry to hear that, Tomara. Will send up an extra prayer for you.


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## Tomara

Dad and I have had some long good talks about where our lives are going. He will be staying in our duplex and renting my side out, I will be moving to the farm. 

He made me promise never to put him in a home, broke my heart because I would never let that happen. I told him when that time comes he will have to move to the farm and be with G and I..... he was more that accepting of that arrangement. 

I will continue to see him just as much since I can stop by when I leave work and headed on the way to my new home. Saying that, I don’t plan on moving full time for several months so we can get everything together and balanced out.

He no longer speaks to me about dating and I don’t bring it up. I will know if he is spending to much money since I see his checking accounts on my banking profile. Just keep a watch and keep my mouth shut.

July 7th all the close family will be going to the local winery ( Mom loved that place) to gather and remember my mother as we will have made it one year without her in our lives. Dad said who ever cried had to pay the full bill lol. Sure there will be tears but I plan on focusing on the wonderful things mom did and was. 

Love you Mom to the moon and back.


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## Blondilocks

@Tomara, are you healed up good and proper? When are the nuptials?


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## Tomara

@blonilocks

Healing is slow and the plastic surgeon is not happy with how it is closing. Just a wait and see I guess. 

I am about moved out of the duplex I share with Dad. It’s still slowing going as I spend most of my evenings still at my place.

Nuptials, we are waiting on the annulment process which will be over a year if it is even granted. Mine will go through but I don’t think G’s will. 

Everything is just a wait and see. 


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