# Did/do you feel guilty?



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

This is directed at mostly the BS, but I am an equal opportunity thread starter, so post any guilt you have if you want. 

If you read my thread, you know that I am in a conundrum. Plenty of people hitting me with 2x4s and that's good, I like pain. My wife did her online thing, it's over, she wants to still be married and I am pulling away. And I feel guilty. We've kinda been sleepwalking as of late. Spending time together, but not talking or just watching tv. Maybe she thinks this is part of the process, but I don't know. I think she feels like it's an equal effort thing here, and if I am not trying then she isn't either. Last night I had a moment of weakness and wanted some sex time. It didn't work out as she was passed out, and we ended up sleeping in the same bed for the first time in about a week. I cleaned the pipes this morning and told her I am sleeping in my I'm not sleeping with you closet. She is upset and asked me why, and why I selpt in bed last night. I told her cause I'm ****ing messed up, duh. 

But I feel bad. She cries that she is breaking up the family, and it makes me feel like if I don't try, it's my fault. I am not saying she is guilting me, I am. I miss a lot of my old life. I see it on the other side of the fence. The problems is that I keep on thinking about what happened. It isn't going away. It makes me upset. I don't think I'll ever be ok with it, but I want to pretend like it never happened as well. I feel guilty that I would be the one to say, we are done. 

Anyone else feel that way?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

She wants you to make the decision to end it or not. My husband is the same and its driven me half crazy with guilt, anger, sadness, and deep regrets. 

I had an online reactive EA. He was angry and hurt and said he wouldnt stand for it, but he still did nothing. Told me repeatedly how sorry he was and that he now knew that he loved me. This after admitting to 5 affairs. 
Like your wife, he ended them, in our case a long time ago now, though it's only been about 18 months since I have known the extent of his past cheating. 

He asked me once when things were at there worst what he could do, and I told him if he really loved me he would have left. Then I could maybe heal and see how I felt about things in a true separation. He moved to the basement and that's where things have been for over a year. 

I care about him still and feel awful that I'm making him unhappy. He's kind and considerate to me and looks at me with such longing sometimes. I I know he would do anything for me now. But I can't get past the fact that what he did to us changed everything completely. So yes, I feel guilty and that pisses me off.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Herschel said:


> .
> 
> Anyone else feel that way?


No


I feel guilty for a lot of the stuff I did that might of been a factor in her cheating, but I felt guilty about those before she cheated. I felt sorry for her, but not guilty.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I don't feel really guilty about stuff leading up. I have been a pretty ****ing good husband. Like, husband of the year type ****. It doesn't change the fact that I love her and I don't want her to hurt but I can't be with her. It's agonizing. I come home, and I don't enjoy anything like I used to. Building a future, working on the house, doing things with the family. But I still feel like it's my decision. The problem is she doesn't have many friends (though neither do I) and her parents are awful...and I had always been her backbone. Makes me feel awful now.

Honestly, I wish she had a boyfriend. It would make things so much easier.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Herschel said:


> This is directed at mostly the BS, but I am an equal opportunity thread starter, so post any guilt you have if you want.
> 
> If you read my thread, you know that I am in a conundrum. Plenty of people hitting me with 2x4s and that's good, I like pain. *My wife did her online thing, it's over, she wants to still be married and I am pulling away. And I feel guilty. We've kinda been sleepwalking as of late. Spending time together, but not talking or just watching tv. Maybe she thinks this is part of the process, but I don't know. I think she feels like it's an equal effort thing here, and if I am not trying then she isn't either. *Last night I had a moment of weakness and wanted some sex time. It didn't work out as she was passed out, and we ended up sleeping in the same bed for the first time in about a week. I cleaned the pipes this morning and told her I am sleeping in my I'm not sleeping with you closet. She is upset and asked me why, and why I selpt in bed last night. I told her cause I'm ****ing messed up, duh.
> 
> ...


You've been given a window into her view of what reconciliation should look like.

Is that good enough for you?


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## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

I did in the beginning when I found out what my wife had done and at least what she said was the reasons, her reasons has changed some now as she has thought more about it. Now I mostly feel stupid for what a fool I have been and for still caring a lot about her. We have been trying to work on things but my love for her is slowly dying. Right now it is more like roommates because of the kids and for a last try. But no more feeling guilty.

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

No I do not feel guilty about my wife having an EA or how I reacted. I was working my ass off and she was a stay at home Mom and primary care giver to her elderly parents. While I was working myself into exhaustion supporting my family of 4 and her parents, she still found time to go to aerobics classes at the gym at least twice a week and strike up an inappropriate friendship with a guy there. I am still not sure it did not go physical at some point. 

So NO and HELL NO - I do not feel guilty. But my attitude toward the marriage changed in a heart beat when I found out.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

My wife is going to have to figure out how to manage a new job, a new baby and two little girls in sh!t hole Indianapolis, IN. In the mean time, I'll be discovering Costa Rica and the rest of Central America and enjoying a really low cost of living. I'll probably hook-up with a Tica at some point.

Do I feel bad or guilty?

Not even an iota!


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Herschel said:


> I don't feel really guilty about stuff leading up. I have been a pretty ****ing good husband. Like, husband of the year type ****. It doesn't change the fact that I love her and I don't want her to hurt but I can't be with her. It's agonizing. I come home, and I don't enjoy anything like I used to. Building a future, working on the house, doing things with the family. But I still feel like it's my decision. The problem is she doesn't have many friends (though neither do I) and her parents are awful...and I had always been her backbone. Makes me feel awful now.
> 
> Honestly, I wish she had a boyfriend. It would make things so much easier.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Did she have a PA or they just talked online? If you still love her, there was no physical contact and she has stopped and she is remorseful why can't you forgive her? If you are trying to detach and are thinking of divorce then you shouldn't be having sex with her. It gives her the message that you want to continue in the marriage.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Herschel said:


> This is directed at mostly the BS, but I am an equal opportunity thread starter, so post any guilt you have if you want.
> 
> If you read my thread, you know that I am in a conundrum. Plenty of people hitting me with 2x4s and that's good, I like pain. My wife did her online thing, it's over, she wants to still be married and I am pulling away. And I feel guilty. We've kinda been sleepwalking as of late. Spending time together, but not talking or just watching tv. Maybe she thinks this is part of the process, but I don't know. I think she feels like it's an equal effort thing here, and if I am not trying then she isn't either. Last night I had a moment of weakness and wanted some sex time. It didn't work out as she was passed out, and we ended up sleeping in the same bed for the first time in about a week. I cleaned the pipes this morning and told her I am sleeping in my I'm not sleeping with you closet. She is upset and asked me why, and why I selpt in bed last night. I told her cause I'm ****ing messed up, duh.
> 
> ...


I don't feel the least bit guilty for my ex's inability to be honest and faithful with me, and inability to commit to reconciliation.

Your wife sounds similar to my ex. The sleepwalking. She is rug-sweeping instead of doing the heavy lifting to regain your trust. She thinks that ending her affair is sufficient to make things go back to 'normal.' Evidently her idea of normal is watching TV a lot more than talking to you. She reminds me of my ex, whose driving force turned out to be cowardice.

Your wife is afraid to talk honestly with you, for fear of seeing your pain. Your wife is afraid the marriage will end because of her actions, so she takes no further action to mend it because that's hard work she believes will be wasted effort. But she's afraid to look like the bad guy, so she just waits around for you to initiate divorce so she can tell everyone it's your fault.

Reconciliation after an affair is not an equal effort thing. The cheater has to shoulder the brunt of the work. Like my ex, maybe your wife is not capable of that kind of effort.

And keep in mind, one of the goals of her crying is to make YOU FEEL guilty. Don't fool yourself.

If you can't handle staying married to the woman you have NOW, someone who lied to you, cheated on you, and isn't putting a great deal of effort in making amends to you, then just tell her you've tried your hardest to give her the opportunity to repair the marriage, but her best effort is inadequate.

If you think she has it in her but hasn't reached for it yet, marriage counselling might be a big help to you.

Yes, your old life is on the other side of that fence. She put the fence there. She has to be the one to tear it down. If she isn't doing that, don't feel guilty yourself for being unable to climb over it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Some cannot live with infidelity.

Why make both of your lives meaningless?

If it's something you can't work out long term end it now for both your sakes.

Why feel guilty about that?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The other thing is figure out what you want.

Then have a good talk with her. If it's not in the cards you can end it amicably.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Of all places, I felt it today from my duster. Went to my parents for an early Mother's Day and I started to talk to her about what had happened. Instead of the "wtf" I was expecting, she told me to work it out (assuming it can be) and that she had a couple of borderline emotional affairs. Borderline as she enjoyed the conversation with this guy and anticipated it, but after a month or so, he called and she was like, no this is too real and just ended it. 

Anyway, went home and thought that I should try. After small, but 2 or 3 efforts, I got nada. Maybe it was cause she came home from work or maybe she thinks we are already done, but she just played on her phone all night. Either way, there was no mistaking my small but obvious openings. That's the last time I listen to my sister.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I'd be very direct. Don't screw around with insinuations.

She isn't going to try and read your mind.

A lot at stake here. 

Pick a good time when you're alone not distracted and lay it out there.

She wasn't on the receiving and believe me they don't get it.


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

Hell to the no!

Well, on second thought, I do feel guilty for not ending it sooner, lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

If she never went PA.... she backed off. Then you are way ahead of most of us.

She is wanting to work stuff, out - and you are doing what? I'd trade places with YOU. You're in a position to repair your relationship and you are flushing it down?

How about this, you both get THERAPY, you get counseling. Stop rug sweeping and fix your SIT! Be direct. Do something.... and try. Or do nothing, and fail.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Herschel,

So now there are more affairs EA that she has admitted to.????

She should be slobbering at your feet begging forgiveness and wanting to bang your brains out like she wanted to do with her boyfriends. Her role since she did this is to do the "heavy lifting". This 50-50 crap is bull ****. She changed the dynamic of that.

Unfortunately, there are too many women today who think having a little fling is no big deal and that all they have to do is stop it and say "I'm sorry" and some magic fairy will make things all better just like before. And even more unfortunately if she had 10 friends ( you say she does not), 7 or 8 of them would be telling her "Herschel will get over it" don't worry. Because everything they read ( magazines, books, and TV shows they watch) tell them affairs are no big deal and can help your marriage. Just look at the headlines in the checkout line at the grocery store in ALL the women's magazines.

Like someone said, IF AND I SAY IF , she never met any of these guy in person, you are luckier than most in that regard. But that would have happened eventually and you know that.

You have some tough thinking to do


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

Very few people get passed betrayal like this. IMO, the ones that do have a much greater tolerance for eating shiit sandwichs than most of us. This coul d be do to lack of a sense of self worth or just a much greater ability to forgive, not sure.
I think most of the folks I have talked to and who stayed still resent their spouses but did a cost benefi analysis and decided to stay,despite diminished love and trust.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Herschel said:


> Went to my parents for an early Mother's Day and I started to talk to her about what had happened. Instead of the "wtf" I was expecting, she told me to work it out (assuming it can be) and that she had a couple of borderline emotional affairs.


An elderly relative in Europe advised me to find a mistress .... :surprise:

Really. I guess some things are/were different in the old country. This way I could fill the voids left by my wife's imperfections, and not suffer the financial disaster of divorce. Kinda sounds like cake eating, but anyhow that is one option for the BS to take.

I think you are in a common place right now. I feel a lot of sorrow for my wife, at least for the little kid part of her which is not able to understand why it hurt me so deeply.

Recently I saw our wedding picture and was reminded of all her good qualities, which she still has. When I see her I still see the young 20-something girl I married. But that isn't the whole person any longer, there is now this additional side which we have experienced.

Yeah, you can still feel love for a person who has done some terrible things to you. You don't have to hate her to leave her.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Your relative is right. If our American legal system was not as he!! bent on preserving morality as it is, having a mistress would solve far more problems...


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Herschel said:


> Of all places, I felt it today from my duster. Went to my parents for an early Mother's Day and I started to talk to her about what had happened. Instead of the "wtf" I was expecting, she told me to work it out (assuming it can be) and that she had a couple of borderline emotional affairs. Borderline as she enjoyed the conversation with this guy and anticipated it, but after a month or so, he called and she was like, no this is too real and just ended it.
> 
> Anyway, went home and thought that I should try. After small, but 2 or 3 efforts, I got nada. Maybe it was cause she came home from work or maybe she thinks we are already done, but she just played on her phone all night. Either way, there was no mistaking my small but obvious openings. That's the last time I listen to my sister.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wait - she played on her phone! Do you mean she is still involved in the online gaming crap that initiated this whole misadventure that led to her sexting with other men?

You are right to dump her if she cannot or will not stop doing the gaming.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I wasn't trying to make this a me thread, but since I like to talk about me, well then all good.

She hasn't admitted to any other EAs. She has barely given me the info about this one, but I am 99% sure she is legit now. However, that doesn't mean she has been working on resolving any issues. If I felt like she was moving out of her comfort zone and showed any sort of empathy, then it would make this much easier. She hasn't, and even called my attempts last night half asses.

Um, excuse me? I am sorry I have been giving you mixed signals, and some nights I just want to sleep alone. You created this monster and most of the time I am ok, but if I am still on a roller coaster and you want to resolve this, then deal with it. And how dare you (I am talking to my wife here) dare tell me I am making a half assed effort. Asking me to come to bed and barely acknowledging anything is what you have done and that's a no assed effort. I was betrayed and I ****ing tried. Are you kidding me? (I did say this all to her)

Anyway, went to get more pricing options from the town house I was looking at. It really sucks, but I think the selling agent was eye balling me. Not bad either for being at least 10 years older than me. 

Regarding counseling and all, she isn't really interested. She'd only be going cause I would want to and our old appointment was canceled 3 weeks ago and she has made no effort to reschedule. Her stubbornness has ruined almost any attempt at reconciliation. Even if I knew she'd be 100% faithful and "loved" me, the fact she really hasn't shown it has just turned me so far off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

TDSC60 said:


> Wait - she played on her phone! Do you mean she is still involved in the online gaming crap that initiated this whole misadventure that led to her sexting with other men?
> 
> You are right to dump her if she cannot or will not stop doing the gaming.


She stopped for a week when i told her that's what I wanted. We had some down moments and she basically said, **** it, if I am getting divorced, I'm bored and I'll play. I am confident she isn't whoring it up online (I have accessed her phone a few times without her knowing), but yeah, it pisses me off and it bothers me more when she should be focusing on me/us. She doesn't get it and is so miserable with herself, she can't even come out of this selfish wallowing self pityfest to realize that I'd be open to her showing any effort at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You are right = wrong thread for the "WTF is wrong with your wife" discussion.

Back to the title question here. Hell no I do not feel guilty for dropping the hammer when I found out and neither should you. It is your life! You should live as happy and guilt free as possible.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Herschel said:


> This is directed at mostly the BS, but I am an equal opportunity thread starter, so post any guilt you have if you want.
> 
> If you read my thread, you know that I am in a conundrum. Plenty of people hitting me with 2x4s and that's good, I like pain. My wife did her online thing, it's over, she wants to still be married and I am pulling away. And I feel guilty. We've kinda been sleepwalking as of late. Spending time together, but not talking or just watching tv. Maybe she thinks this is part of the process, but I don't know. I think she feels like it's an equal effort thing here, and if I am not trying then she isn't either. Last night I had a moment of weakness and wanted some sex time. It didn't work out as she was passed out, and we ended up sleeping in the same bed for the first time in about a week. I cleaned the pipes this morning and told her I am sleeping in my I'm not sleeping with you closet. She is upset and asked me why, and why I selpt in bed last night. I told her cause I'm ****ing messed up, duh.
> 
> ...


Are you two In therapy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I'm not sure I know the whole story (well, I know I don't) and I can't type much now because of hand problems I'm having, but wanted to say I totally understand the "guilt." Even if others never will. My ex cheated on me with a Craigslist ***** (and was also emotionally and verbally abusive) and we tried for nearly two years to work it out and we ultimately divorced because I could not forgive him. I felt a LOT of guilt because he was remorseful. I just couldn't forgive.

But, ya know what? I eventually DID forgive him and we ended up getting back together after 4 years of divorce and things ended even worse the second time around.

Now? NO guilt.


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## brokenguy (Sep 7, 2015)

Herschel said:


> This is directed at mostly the BS, but I am an equal opportunity thread starter, so post any guilt you have if you want.
> 
> If you read my thread, you know that I am in a conundrum. Plenty of people hitting me with 2x4s and that's good, I like pain. My wife did her online thing, it's over, she wants to still be married and I am pulling away. And I feel guilty. We've kinda been sleepwalking as of late. Spending time together, but not talking or just watching tv. Maybe she thinks this is part of the process, but I don't know. I think she feels like it's an equal effort thing here, and if I am not trying then she isn't either. Last night I had a moment of weakness and wanted some sex time. It didn't work out as she was passed out, and we ended up sleeping in the same bed for the first time in about a week. I cleaned the pipes this morning and told her I am sleeping in my I'm not sleeping with you closet. She is upset and asked me why, and why I selpt in bed last night. I told her cause I'm ****ing messed up, duh.
> 
> ...


Sorry, misunderstood the post. Yes, I also feel guilty. We worked so hard for our marriage and just like any of other things we worked so hard on to, we don't want it to fell apart.
One thing that you should be worry of is : does she feel guilty? cause mine doesn't


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I'm not sure I know the whole story (well, I know I don't) and I can't type much now because of hand problems I'm having


Not to threadjack too much, but have you tried using a dictation program? I had to do that a few years ago when my hands started hurting, and it was a life-saver.


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## btterflykisses (Apr 29, 2016)

Herschel said:


> Of all places, I felt it today from my duster. Went to my parents for an early Mother's Day and I started to talk to her about what had happened. Instead of the "wtf" I was expecting, she told me to work it out (assuming it can be) and that she had a couple of borderline emotional affairs. Borderline as she enjoyed the conversation with this guy and anticipated it, but after a month or so, he called and she was like, no this is too real and just ended it.
> 
> Anyway, went home and thought that I should try. After small, but 2 or 3 efforts, I got nada. Maybe it was cause she came home from work or maybe she thinks we are already done, but she just played on her phone all night. Either way, there was no mistaking my small but obvious openings. That's the last time I listen to my sister.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your sister came up as duster.

What were the 2 or 3 attempts at? Was it talking or were your trying to initiate intimacy?

Don't give up on her. I have been in an EA and its hard to break away and when you don't know what to do unless you get help for it. If she wanted to get physical with somebody else it could have easily happened but she chose talking or messaging instead. Your level of pain would depend on what was talked about. Many of the conversations I had when I was in an EA were about our own child with a disability ( both have one) I'm just saying you if can never forgive you will live in misery and here is only so long she'll take the punishment.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

btterflykisses said:


> Your sister came up as duster.
> 
> What were the 2 or 3 attempts at? Was it talking or were your trying to initiate intimacy?
> 
> Don't give up on her. I have been in an EA and its hard to break away and when you don't know what to do unless you get help for it. If she wanted to get physical with somebody else it could have easily happened but she chose talking or messaging instead. Your level of pain would depend on what was talked about. Many of the conversations I had when I was in an EA were about our own child with a disability ( both have one) I'm just saying you if can never forgive you will live in misery and here is only so long she'll take the punishment.




Your first paragraph is great, your second not so much and I don't mean to sound harsh or rude to you. Herschels wife has resumed gaming knowing it causes him pain, you say don't give up on her. I think she gave up and one can't save a marriage. When you say she chose to talk and messaging, well, how nice of her!! This I consider to be minimizing at its best. When you begin to stop minimizing what you did, or what herschels wife did, then you can begin to work on yourself. You are trying to protect yourself from what you did, what you did was so bad you can't even see the truth and you lie to yourself. Imagine you had to go to church or work and had to stand in front of everyone, tell them of your EA(s), how would you feel? Mortified? Humiliated? Embarrassed? What if you had to read every communication to your spouse? How would you feel? 

When you can feel that, you are ready to begin healing yourself, but at this moment you aren't really even close. I'm sure you will say I am being rude, picking on you, or just plain trying to beat you up when you seek out help. Maybe I am, this is obviously just my opinion, but I'm really trying to help you. Stand in front of a mirror, see yourself, then start to do some deep self reflection and go to an IC. Work out your problems, but stop minimizing what has happened, what if your spouse did this to you? How would you feel?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> *I don't feel the least bit guilty for my ex's inability to be honest and faithful with me, and inability to commit to reconciliation.*
> 
> Your wife sounds similar to my ex. The sleepwalking. S*he is rug-sweeping instead of doing the heavy lifting to regain your trust. She thinks that ending her affair is sufficient to make things go back to 'normal.'* Evidently her idea of normal is watching TV a lot more than talking to you. She reminds me of my ex, whose driving force turned out to be cowardice.
> 
> ...


Especially the parts I bolded from this perfect response to you.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

john117 said:


> Your relative is right. If our American legal system was not as he!! bent on preserving morality as it is, having a mistress would solve far more problems...


The legal system doesn't give a flying crap if I have a mistress. Zero. There is no consequence to me in any court proceeding.

The worst case is my wife finds out and divorces me, but since we live in a no fault world she can divorce me for any reason at any time.

The legal system actually rewards cheating. There is little to no consequence for being an OM/OW. The cheater's financial consequences in divorce don't change with regard to alimony, child support, or asset division. A lower earning spouse who cheats can get lifetime alimony in my state, after divorcing their spouse even if the BS doesn't want the divorce. The husband almost certainly gets stuck with child support even when paternity testing shows he is not the bio-dad.

The legal system in almost every case I can think of is upside down when it comes to morality. The victim gets screwed while the perp gets little to no consequences.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think if you are a decent person that it is very hard not to feel bad both about any pain a loved one is experiencing and about what seems like the slow-motion demise of a relationship.

For me it's not guilt, though. It's more empathy, sadness, kindness, anger - you know the drill.

I think your WW has her head deep up her arse, Herschel. You and she are simply not at all in the same mental space. She is addicted to this online game crap and has done nothing to address the issue. When she begins to pull her head out for a second because she still is at least a bit in reality, she sees the effects of her behavior and quickly inserts her head up her arse again by playing her games.

People hurt others but also themselves when they cheat. She has changed your feelings for her with her behavior. I think this is a natural consequence of infidelity, that the BS experiences permanent loss of love feeling.

The whole thing is sad, but I don't think it should be a reason for guilt.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I did go through a lot of guilt the two times I seriously contimplated divorcing my wife. However, both times I came to the realization that it would be OK. Not desireable, but OK.

I sat with it for a few days. Quietly. Just thought about how it would be. Day to day mechanics. Passing the kids back and forth. How hard it would be at the beginning, but also how it would be once we found a groove and made it work. How we're both good parents, and we would still be good parents even if apart. I looked into how custody works, talked to a lawyer. Talked to some guys at work that have gone through it.

And I realized that although I didn't want it, and I didn't want it for my kids, that if it came to it, we would all be OK. Me, the kids, and even my wife. We'd both date and move on. We'd both likely remarry and the world would keep going around.

And in that, I realized that I could decide to leave her. Luckily it didn't come to that, but I will say that my wife noticed the change in me both times, and responded accordingly.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I did not, nor have I ever, felt the least bit guilty for kicking my husband out the day I found out what he did. And I would do it again in half a second.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

She needs to come to you, accept blame for what happened and offer to do anything you need her to assure you it won't happen again. If she just wants to stand around until you feel bad enough and guilty enough to come to her, you should let her know that's not going to get anything done. If she doesn't have to own this, she'll just keep on having more affairs because there's no consequesnces her way. I'd tell her she has to leave and file for divorce.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

tech-novelist said:


> Not to threadjack too much, but have you tried using a dictation program? I had to do that a few years ago when my hands started hurting, and it was a life-saver.


No I haven't. I am an online editor for a living so this is depressing the hell out of me. Making an appointment next with with an ortho. Dr. Google has diagnosed me with cubital tunnel syndrome .


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Adultery from either sex is evil but there is no denying that it's much worse when a women betrays. The WW is replacing the husband. Affection and sex for the husband stop or become a dutiful trickle. It is best for a man to divorce because most WW really want to leave.

Look at the threads on LS OW section. Thousands of women telling the same story. Pining for their OM. No remorse for the betrayal of their husband. Just today I've read a new thread of a WW in an R complaining of her husband making her feel like she's a free prostitute. But her younger MM never made her feel that way. In come the cavalry to tell her she's being "abused". 

That forum is a true bizzaro world, but it really should be required reading for any BH. So he knows the thinking of his own WW. That everything he feels in his gut is not just his head playing tricks. No, your WW is a vile woman deserving nothing less than D.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> No I haven't. I am an online editor for a living so this is depressing the hell out of me. Making an appointment next with with an ortho. Dr. Google has diagnosed me with cubital tunnel syndrome .


I used "Dragon Naturally Speaking" for a couple of years and found it a tremendous help. I believe these programs are even better now than they were at the time, and the Home version is currently on sale for $74.99 (Dragon speech recognition – Accessibility Software | Nuance).


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Does anyone else find that they're writing by dictation is different than their writing by typing? I find that I have many more filler words in dictation, which makes it much less concise.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

americansteve said:


> My wife is going to have to figure out how to manage a new job, a new baby and two little girls in sh!t hole Indianapolis, IN. In the mean time, I'll be discovering Costa Rica and the rest of Central America and enjoying a really low cost of living. I'll probably hook-up with a Tica at some point.
> 
> Do I feel bad or guilty?
> 
> Not even an iota!


Steve you make a fine example of one extreme.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

jsmart said:


> Adultery from either sex is evil but there is no denying that it's much worse when a women betrays. The WW is replacing the husband. Affection and sex for the husband stop or become a dutiful trickle. It is best for a man to divorce because most WW really want to leave.
> 
> Look at the threads on LS OW section. Thousands of women telling the same story. Pining for their OM. No remorse for the betrayal of their husband. Just today I've read a new thread of a WW in an R complaining of her husband making her feel like she's a free prostitute. But her younger MM never made her feel that way. In come the cavalry to tell her she's being "abused".
> 
> That forum is a true bizzaro world, but it really should be required reading for any BH. So he knows the thinking of his own WW. That everything he feels in his gut is not just his head playing tricks. No, your WW is a vile woman deserving nothing less than D.


Wow this pissed me off! How can you possibly say it's worse for a woman to betray her husband than the other way around? Does the man not also replace his wife? Is it not equally devastating no matter which gender you are? This sounds like it's based on ancient myths that men can't help them self and women should just take it or even expect it! It's not so long ago a woman would have no choice in the matter, and cheating husbands were as common as a cold... Fuch that sh!t! It is just as bad for a woman to be cheated on. Especially when society tells us we are not ever good enough, sexy enough, smart enough... 

Don't mean to thread jack, so to answer the question, I have only felt guilty if what I've done has gone against my believes and wishes, like thinking about kicking him out even when I know I don't want that. Or when giving in to the thought of punishing him for what he did.


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## becareful (Jan 28, 2016)

marduk said:


> I did go through a lot of guilt the two times I seriously contimplated divorcing my wife. However, both times I came to the realization that it would be OK. Not desireable, but OK.
> 
> I sat with it for a few days. Quietly. Just thought about how it would be. Day to day mechanics. Passing the kids back and forth. How hard it would be at the beginning, but also how it would be once we found a groove and made it work. How we're both good parents, and we would still be good parents even if apart. I looked into how custody works, talked to a lawyer. Talked to some guys at work that have gone through it.
> 
> ...


I wonder, did your wife ever knew that you were close to divorcing her? What was her reaction?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your sadass wife has made no attempt to curb her gaming and alcohol addictions. Why the hell should you feel bad for divorcing her? It takes two adults to have a marriage. She is not an adult.


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## becareful (Jan 28, 2016)

Herschel said:


> I wasn't trying to make this a me thread, but since I like to talk about me, well then all good.
> 
> She hasn't admitted to any other EAs. She has barely given me the info about this one, but I am 99% sure she is legit now. However, that doesn't mean she has been working on resolving any issues. If I felt like she was moving out of her comfort zone and showed any sort of empathy, then it would make this much easier. She hasn't, and even called my attempts last night half asses.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry to say but I don't think I'm the only one who notices this passive aggressive approach you have shown her after D-Day. You have to establish boundaries and hold her to it. Right now, you're not leading and she's responding, accordingly. She doesn't respect you.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

becareful said:


> I wonder, did your wife ever knew that you were close to divorcing her? What was her reaction?


She knew and her reaction was pretty close to sheer terror. Mixed with anger, some of it deserved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pob (Jan 7, 2016)

Consider how your wife handles conflict. Does she avoid? Fester? 
Try to understand what she's thinking. 

My wife had EA 5 y ago. Rug swept. Downplayed. Then lightly Apologized. Etc. 

When I had an EA 5y later, then she finally understood the whole picture. For the first time. 

She is currently interested and active in every way in our marriage. 

But the pain and memories are still there. 

I didn't see that anyone stated to do a 180. 

Claim your life back. 

If she's on phone, find something more interesting on your phone. 

Hate to say it, but sometimes coping with infidelity is showing your other half a mirror ,,,,, treat them how you were treated. 

You want equality, you got it !

I don't feel bad about my EA although my wife claims I should bc I knew the pain she caused me. 

Is that f$(&;&bed up or what ??? 

So with that logic. Which seems similar to your wife. She does the harm. Does little to repair. And blame shifts back to your for convenience. 

Either show her the door. Or treat her as she treated you. Then you'll see her true colors. 

For better or worse, my wife came back all in. 

Have fun !!!!! You only live once. 

I'll bet you anything once you 180. Show her the door. Or act out equally. You'll see some real results.


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