# Antisocial husband



## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

My marriage is fairly good and we have issues every now and then that can be resolved. I'd say compared to the years prior, things are much better. There's still this one issue I just can't seem to fix.

My husband doesn't seem to like people. I'm not sure if he doesn't like people...but he doesn't want to meet them. He complains a LOT about how he has no friends, no one wants to hang out with him, etc. When I mention he has to give people a chance to see if he'd want to hang out with them instead of writing them off, it just makes him upset. Yeah I'll be honest, he acts like a child about this. "Why can't people be more like ME?" "Why can't I find people who are the same?" I've said um honey, that's what's nice about people-- no one is the same and I think we all like each other better for that!

The frustrating part of this is he refuses to go out when we are invited to things. I end up going alone embarrassed because we had an argument just before I left about how I'm selfish for having fun without him. To top it off, I get hounded by people about why he isn't with me. I've told DH, people actually want to get to know you and he acts like I'm lying. There have been countless of gatherings and events where he's been invited with me and he refuses to go. 

I'm worried this can become a much bigger problem than it is. I've read and heard enough stories from women how their husbands were the same way and they ended up divorced because it was just the surface of a lot of other issues I don't like leaving him at home, but I can stay at home and listen to him whine about how "nobody likes me" or I can go out and enjoy myself for a couple of hours. On the other hand, I wonder how appropriate it is for me to leave him at home because I'm married and I don't know if it's right for me to just do my own thing when he should be by my side. I thought that was one of the perks about being married-- to know your spouse will be with you at social gatherings and you can enjoy things together? Maybe my expectations are too high, but this has me really worried.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I honestly would tell you to consider getting him into counseling. I suffer from this as well. I have not been able to address this problem very well for myself. I know my issue started with my childhood. We moved 12 times before I hit 11th grade. So it really made it impossible to build healthy friendships. I do hope you can get him help. 

Clay


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

He won't go to counseling, or else he'd be there. DH never moved and had a very healthy and stable childhood. I don't think that's the problem.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Has he always been like this?

C


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

reesespieces said:


> I don't like leaving him at home, but I can stay at home and listen to him whine about how "nobody likes me" or I can go out and enjoy myself for a couple of hours.


I am a little puzzled here. When he complains about having no friends, why don't you tell him that the reason he has no friends is because he won't go out with you and meet them??

After all, to have friends you have to go out and meet them someway. Friends aren't something that just sprouts out of your garden in the backyard. 



> _On the other hand, I wonder how appropriate it is for me to leave him at home because I'm married and I don't know if it's right for me to just do my own thing when he should be by my side_.


There is NOTHING inappropriate about that, assuming you aren't going to bars and pretending you're single.



> _I thought that was one of the perks about being married-- to know your spouse will be with you at social gatherings and you can enjoy things together? Maybe my expectations are too high, but this has me really worried._


But you are correct here - that is one of the normal expectations of a marriage, that your partner will go out and do some things with you. For this reason he should at least meet you halfway here. If he continues to refuse to, then I strongly recommend marriage counseling for you both.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Does he have any outside interests - sports or hobbies, or whatever - that he could talk to people about?

It seems, from what you say, that he feels he has little in common with the people he's been exposed to, and no shared interests. Some naturally gregarious people can overcome this (I'm not one of them) - but many, particularly men, I think, need to have some common ground or shared interest to spark conversation, or it just gets awkward.

What does he like to do/watch?


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

It sounds more like Avoidant Personality Disorder, not Anti Social. Look up Avoidant Personality and see if that describes him a little better. As far as how to help him, he will need to be seen by a therapist. All you can do is suggest he see someone, if he wont then it will be time for you to decide what you will and will not tolerate in your life.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

How did this guy ever get up the nerve to ask you out? There must have been red flags flying before you were married.

Calling you selfish because he refuses to go with you is manipulative and controlling. Think about whether you want to live like this for the next five years, ten years, thirty years. It won't get better until he gets professional help.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

I very much had this problem when I was in high school and then again a few years ago. It all came down to my self confidence. I didn't have much confidence in my "likeability". If I didn't have much in common with someone I felt it was MY fault for not liking what they liked. I felt inferior to others. Therefore, my Saturday nights in high school consided of me recording songs off the radio or watching MTV. Yup, the 80's didn't have much to offer in the way of fun! 

I was able to "fake it until I made it" through my college years and adult years to make me socially normal. I still retreated sometimes but I didn't feel inferior as much. A few years ago I went through a depressive time and if I couldn't stand my own company, who else would? So I retreated yet again until I was able to get my depression under control with meds. But of course that didn't stop me from whining and complaining about it. And I would get resentful of people who were able to go out and have fun. Just as I presume your husband is doing. Deep down he wants you to go out but all he feels is resentment and jealousy that you can and he "can't". Or doesn't want to for whatever reason. 

If he refuses to see a counselor or even a doctor to discuss what might be going on with him, I fear that your concern about this situation will only turn into anger and resentment. 

And Blondilocks asked a good question ---- How on earth did this guy even ask you out? Was he like this in the beginning? Did your dates consist of hanging out at the house?

Edited to add: I don't think this is about him not liking other people. I think it's about him not liking himself.


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## Dissevered Soul (Mar 4, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Calling you selfish because he refuses to go with you is manipulative and controlling.


:iagree: It's selfish and inappropriate if you are leaving without him, and he is uninvited, then you go to the bar and hit on guys all night. If you are asking him (and wanting him) to go, and he refuses, and he calls you selfish, he is being a child about it. So he doesn't like people? Fine. His wife likes people, you are two different individuals with different needs, personalities, and ambitions, and you deserve a night away once in a while, as everyone (including your husband) does. If he doesn't take advantage, that's on him, and has nothing to do with you.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Reeses-

Try hearing your husband behind the words. I think he truly is in want of friendship...with people he feels comfortable with...

Are the people that have been inviting you to do things friends of both you and your husband? Or are they friends of yours and he's invited because he's your husband?

My husband and I are both very social...but we've also found it difficult to find connecting friendships. It's easy to find surface level, get-together acquaintances. But we've found so far a lot of trial and error. 

Perhaps you could start with joining a group doing activity you both like together. There are social groups (such as meetup.com) for that stuff.

When you leave to go out without him, he probably feels a little unsupported and even more unheard in what he's trying to share with his wife.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

I was struck by that line too, fhkdfying.

It really puts the situation in the wrong frame of mind.

He's not broken. He's expressing his desires and wanting to be heard. Perhaps even figure it out as a couple instead of being pushed to the wayside.

Entering into a situation with empathy and compassion changes things tremendously


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"fhkdfying" Is this a new acronym?


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

Theseus said:


> I am a little puzzled here. When he complains about having no friends, why don't you tell him that the reason he has no friends is because he won't go out with you and meet them??


I've said that before. I think DH wants to meet people who are more similar to him. IMO that might be because he wants to meet people who'll validate his life because he feels like a fish out of water a lot of the time. 



Theseus said:


> There is NOTHING inappropriate about that, assuming you aren't going to bars and pretending you're single.


Nope, I won't go to bars by myself (usually go with family) and I don't pretend to be single.




cons said:


> Reeses-
> 
> Try hearing your husband behind the words. I think he truly is in want of friendship...with people he feels comfortable with...
> 
> ...


Trust me-- I have done so for SO LONG!! I am getting frustrated at this point because people are inviting him along because they _want to meet him_ Yes, they're inviting him along because they know me, but don't know him. Meetups don't work because he's refused to attend any of those activities. When we do go, he complains about the people there and how they are too this and that without giving them a chance. He is very choosy. When I turn down outings to stay home with him, what he does is complains about how we never go anywhere.



IrishGirlVA said:


> And Blondilocks asked a good question ---- How on earth did this guy even ask you out? Was he like this in the beginning? Did your dates consist of hanging out at the house?
> 
> Edited to add: I don't think this is about him not liking other people. I think it's about him not liking himself.


I think he asked me out because he thought he'd become a better person through me. Who knows? That was so long ago at the time I didn't think of these things. When we did date, it was mostly hanging out at his place. 

You're probably right about him not liking himself. He's not very satisfied with how things have done in our lives lately, but to improve things he has to change something. I've told him this many times.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

You've tried to communicate your feelings about this with him, ad nauseum....Your husband is not open to counseling...Do you feel this issue is a deal breaker for you?

What are you looking for? Possible solutions? Validation to "Do your own thing?"


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

It would be my guess that your husband is not comfortable in social situations. Instead of being ant-social it might be that he is actually "A-Social." Read about it, it might makes sense to you.


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

AVR1962 said:


> It would be my guess that your husband is not comfortable in social situations. Instead of being ant-social it might be that he is actually "A-Social." Read about it, it might makes sense to you.


This might be true, but how does one resolve this? People don't do well going through life without developing a comfort level in social situations. What's going to happen when we have kids and we're invited as a family to social events through our children? What happens then?


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

cons said:


> You've tried to communicate your feelings about this with him, ad nauseum....Your husband is not open to counseling...Do you feel this issue is a deal breaker for you?
> 
> What are you looking for? Possible solutions? Validation to "Do your own thing?"


I don't want this to be a deal breaker. I want to resolve this, but what I've been doing hasn't worked.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I would sit him down after you learn more about it and discuss him seeking help for it. If he wont then tell him this is a serious issue for you and if he is unwilling to work on it it will do damage to your marriage. I would not threaten anything to him but let him know you feel this is a serious problem and it upsets you greatly. 

Clay


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

Just a thought and perhaps you've tried this many times already, but how about having others over to your place? Just another couple, or two couples at the most. Home turf comfort.

Also is it always a larger group or just one other couple?


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## Pinkpetal (Jan 2, 2014)

I agree with pb76no - have you tried having a couple over for drinks or dinner? What is your H attitude towards that?

I am not an outgoing person myself and find large group socialising both draining if I'm there for more than an hour or two, and also a little overwhelming at times. I don't really enjoy it, but I will do it. Practice does make you better at it.

I think your H negative comments are just his way of copping out of trying, and also letting you know not to develop any expectations of him. He likes his comfort zone and doesn't like the way he feels when he leaves it. So have you tried just starting small? Compromising? If he agrees to attend with you, then you agree to keep it to only an hour or so?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You can't change him if he's not prepared to put in the majority of the work. So stop trying. Do your thing. Make sure he knows he's welcome to join you if he wants to, but don't let him hold you back or make you feel guilty. If you start to curtail your social life for him, you're just enabling him. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

reesespieces said:


> This might be true, but how does one resolve this? People don't do well going through life without developing a comfort level in social situations. What's going to happen when we have kids and we're invited as a family to social events through our children? What happens then?


Dear lord, I think you may be married to either my first or second husband. How I ended up marrying TWO men who are like this is beyond me. (second one bait and switched me, I think!) I cannot quote ALL of your posts, but just know I lived them all!

You know whats going to happen if you were to have kids with this man? You will be attending all of their functions and events and games BY YOURSELF and all the other parents are going to think your H is a giant jerk. If he does go, you will have to deal with him b!tching and griping the whole time, and your children will end up being humiliated by him. That is exactly what you have to look forward to in that regard. 

He is never going to change. Both of my antisocial exes are ALONE. They are angry, antisocial hermits who cannot understand what in the hell is wrong with the rest of the world, why isnt the world exactly like them?? Yet at the same time they complain about being alone. :scratchhead: But its the rest of the world's fault that they are alone. The only hope there is that your H can change is if he realizes and admits his issue, and totally immerses himself in therapy.


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

pb76no said:


> Just a thought and perhaps you've tried this many times already, but how about having others over to your place? Just another couple, or two couples at the most. Home turf comfort.
> 
> Also is it always a larger group or just one other couple?


It's like this no matter what. It doesn't matter if it's other couples or a large group, or a small group. We used to be friends with other couples but he became convinced they didn't like us, and we ended up distancing ourselves from them. Truthfully, I actually don't have any friends. The people I know are acquaintances who make an effort to reach out.


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## Pinkpetal (Jan 2, 2014)

reesespieces said:


> It's like this no matter what. It doesn't matter if it's other couples or a large group, or a small group. We used to be friends with other couples but he became convinced they didn't like us, and we ended up distancing ourselves from them. Truthfully, I actually don't have any friends. The people I know are acquaintances who make an effort to reach out.


"He became convinced they didn't like us?" That sounds almost paranoid. 

There isn't a lot you can do if your husband will not make any effort towards change. It's ultimately his choice. But I don't think he is being very fair to you. In my opinion not having any friends or social circle can be very isolating and that is not healthy for you. 

I agree with the others who have said that you need to keep accepting invitations and going out regardless of your husband's attitude. Life is meant to be lived. Your husband's refusal to engage in even the most basic of social functions suggests he needs counselling.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

reesespieces said:


> This might be true, but how does one resolve this? People don't do well going through life without developing a comfort level in social situations. What's going to happen when we have kids and we're invited as a family to social events through our children? What happens then?


Many people who are Asocial find a way to cope....sometimes coping is isolation but many turn to having alcohol to ease their anxiety. Even so you may find the Asocial still unable to be socially interactive with a drink in his hand. These people generally lack the confident and ability to take steps towards social situations, it can be bad enough that it looks phobic. My stepson was diagnosed as Asocial when he was 15, he is 32 today and while he has managed with life, he seems happier by himself. I think his dad (my husband) would have also been diagnosed with the same as a teenager. he found alcohol to ease his discomfort in social situations and as long as he is with people he knows he is fine but in new social surroundings he stays to himself. My husband is 53. 

Is your husband especially intelligent? Focus in one particular area of his life possibly?? Almost obsessed with certain things? My husband is and I had a hard time figuring this man out, we have been married almost 22 years. His communication skills were not good, mind boggling actually. Recently my counselor said he thought my husband could be a high functioning asperger's and I wonder now if this might also fit my stepson. he is extremely intelligent....gifted programs all the way thru school. Went to college, received his masters as a physics major. Socially though he was the type to have his hands in his pocket and you could see how uncomfortable he was.

I think it might be something you will have to accept rather than try to change.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Don't know what A-social is, but I wonder also, if he is depressed about something? Seems like he doesn't think very highly of himself. If he did, maybe he would have a little confidence to meet others. 

Then again, maybe he just doesn't relate to the folks you like to hang out with? I don't know. I know I went through some of this and it was a combination of those two for me. 

It was either go to the bar, which I really didn't like the crowd all that much(I felt I couldn't trust them). Or it was go out with folks that talked way over my head. I felt uncomfortable in both situations.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

trey69 said:


> It sounds more like Avoidant Personality Disorder, not Anti Social. Look up Avoidant Personality and see if that describes him a little better. As far as how to help him, he will need to be seen by a therapist. All you can do is suggest he see someone, if he wont then it will be time for you to decide what you will and will not tolerate in your life.


This is exactly what it sounds like to me as well. 

I will say though, since you can't change him, it will now need to about you and how you want to spend the rest of your life.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

IrishGirlVA said:


> I was able to "fake it until I made it" through my college years and adult years to make me socially normal.
> ...
> 
> Edited to add: I don't think this is about him not liking other people. I think it's about him not liking himself.


From college to my first couple years of marriage I really struggled with this (about ten years). I've always had (and continue to have) trouble starting conversations without feeling like a dork. I have to "fake it to make", but it still makes me uncomfortable.

There are plenty of books and videos that address interpersonal relationships and social phobias. Although I can't remember the title of the book I read, but I'm sure there are several books and websites that deal specifically with how to enter conversations (which is my primary problem).

And I just remembered something that did help a lot: message boards and online forums like this one which has a lot of activity. I felt like nobody wanted to hear what I had to say, and boards like this one permitted me to voice my opinions without fearing judgment from others because you get to hide behind a wall of anonymity. It was a baby step, but it was a step.

But the bottom line is that you can't force him to change if he's unwilling to try. If he chooses to wallow in his self pity, he's going to stay there until he chooses to come out.

EDIT: I just remembered another bab step that helped me. I would attend events that allowed me to be alone in a crowd. Lectures, conventions, high school ball games... places that offered the possiblilty of conversation without necessarily the expectation of a serious one.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

IrishGirlVA said:


> And Blondilocks asked a good question ---- How on earth did this guy even ask you out? Was he like this in the beginning? Did your dates consist of hanging out at the


My wife and I met while performing in a church Christmas production (that was something else I did to confront my social fears, acting). I had never asked a woman out, but she was the first person whom I knew I had to have some sort of relationship with, even if that meant just being friends. So I pursued her. She's the only woman I've ever wanted to be with, so I forced myself to changed, even though I fell back into my mostly chemical depression shortly after our wedding.


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

2ntnuf said:


> Don't know what A-social is, but I wonder also, if he is depressed about something? Seems like he doesn't think very highly of himself. If he did, maybe he would have a little confidence to meet others.
> 
> Then again, maybe he just doesn't relate to the folks you like to hang out with? I don't know. I know I went through some of this and it was a combination of those two for me.
> 
> It was either go to the bar, which I really didn't like the crowd all that much(I felt I couldn't trust them). Or it was go out with folks that talked way over my head. I felt uncomfortable in both situations.


The activities we get invited to are dinners, tasteful birthday parties (the kind where people socialize like adults, not college students), meetups, a kid's birthday, holiday gatherings, etc. There are usually other men there and I've encouraged DH to go to meet and talk with other guys who might be in the same boat.

DH doesn't have Asperger's (already been there) but he has been depressed about a lot of things for a while. I did some thinking and went back to some recent issues we had. His parents are very meddlesome and are critical about our life choices, and I think he's hung up on that. He wants validation from his family but won't get it, so maybe he figures why bother trying to meet other people. I don't know. I've felt guilty for years whenever I go out and do my own thing or go to social events without him, even though I don't think I'm doing anything wrong.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

reesespieces said:


> The activities we get invited to are dinners, tasteful birthday parties (the kind where people socialize like adults, not college students), meetups, a kid's birthday, holiday gatherings, etc. There are usually other men there and I've encouraged DH to go to meet and talk with other guys who might be in the same boat.
> 
> DH doesn't have Asperger's (already been there) but he has been depressed about a lot of things for a while. I did some thinking and went back to some recent issues we had. His parents are very meddlesome and are critical about our life choices, and I think he's hung up on that. He wants validation from his family but won't get it, so maybe he figures why bother trying to meet other people. I don't know. I've felt guilty for years whenever I go out and do my own thing or go to social events without him, even though I don't think I'm doing anything wrong.


I think the guilty feeling is normal, but I know there is nothing to feel guilty about. You have even state you don't do anything to jeopardize your marriage. It's just because you know it's bad for your marriage to go places like that separately, and it truly is. Edit: When it's done all the time and you don't go anywhere together like that. 

He does need counseling. His parents sound like they are or were in control of how he felt. It almost makes me think he was afraid to feel good about doing anything, unless they approved. 

My own mother, passed on now, who I dearly love was a bit controlling and my sister is now the same way with me. It's like she decides what is okay for me to do. I have those guilty feelings if I don't talk with her. It's really wrong, but so ingrained, I have trouble breaking away. I didn't see my mother much, as an adult, partly because I wanted to avoid all of that. I feel very guilty at times, about that. 

I wonder if he had many friends? Forgive me if you posted and I've forgotten. It would make sense to me that he got all of his validation from his mother and none from just interacting with friends. The only way I can think to deal with that is some counseling. I know it's tough to get past. I guess he could try making friends with others he finds through a coffee shop or something fairly innocuous. I guess, if he had a hobby, he could meet others doing something he likes. It would make it easier to meet people of like mind. I wonder if he has any hobbies? Maybe he never had any hobbies? At least, none that he stuck with over a period of time? I don't know. I guess I'm relating stuff to my own life. I hope I'm not putting thoughts into your head.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

Read your storey abt ur husband and I thought I was reading abt me.im 63 yrs old and married 34 years.I never went to any of her work parties or met her co workers.I have turned down so many family functions and weddings they finally got. The hint not to ask.
I am completely happy alone and if I don't talk to another human for a month it does not bother me.I figured this started for me back in 1969 when I was in the army and got back from Vietnam.I stayed in alone and didn't bother with family or friends.I guess people calling u baby killer or spitting on u can do that to you.I even have problems going to the store with my wife.if I am out to long or it gets to crowed I start to get antsy and shake.
My wife has her friends and she goes out with them and it does not bother me and they are used to me being this way.l don,t know the term for this but it has worked for us all these years.my reason for what I do is the treatment from people when I got out of the army.I totally despise the human race and avoid it at all costs.if some one starts a conversation with me I just mumble something and walk away,plus I never smile.that works.so you can tell your husband their is some one with the same traits as his in nj and I'm doing OK good luck


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

101Abn said:


> Read your storey abt ur husband and I thought I was reading abt me.im 63 yrs old and married 34 years.I never went to any of her work parties or met her co workers.I have turned down so many family functions and weddings they finally got. The hint not to ask.
> I am completely happy alone and if I don't talk to another human for a month it does not bother me.I figured this started for me back in 1969 when I was in the army and got back from Vietnam.I stayed in alone and didn't bother with family or friends.I guess people calling u baby killer or spitting on u can do that to you.I even have problems going to the store with my wife.if I am out to long or it gets to crowed I start to get antsy and shake.
> My wife has her friends and she goes out with them and it does not bother me and they are used to me being this way.l don,t know the term for this but it has worked for us all these years.my reason for what I do is the treatment from people when I got out of the army.I totally despise the human race and avoid it at all costs.if some one starts a conversation with me I just mumble something and walk away,plus I never smile.that works.so you can tell your husband their is some one with the same traits as his in nj and I'm doing OK good luck


Interesting perspective, 101, my second husband was a Vietnam vet as well, and went through the same crap. And he never got any kind of therapy or counseling to try and deal with it, either.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

3xnocharm:maybe he was like me and had absolutely no trust in the va


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

101Abn said:


> 3xnocharm:maybe he was like me and had absolutely no trust in the va


The difference is that you're happy with your choices and her husband is not. He whines about not having any friends but doesn't do anything to remedy the situation. Instead, he trys to isolate her and keep her all for himself.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> The difference is that you're happy with your choices and her husband is not. He whines about not having any friends but doesn't do anything to remedy the situation. Instead, *he trys to isolate her and keep her all for himself.*


I must have missed that part or it's in another thread. That's bad, if that's what's happening. If he just doesn't care about going all the time, that's bad enough. There are times when she may need to go by herself. If it's something like real isolation attempts, like he's telling her she is not allowed to go or laying a guilt trip on her for going, that's another issue. Either way, she needs to be careful of letting him control her. He needs some counseling. Be careful with making it more than just about him, though. If it's only about him, it will make matters worse, not better, if you take it to the next level. 

Now, I'm wondering what he does to try to isolate her? I hope he's not disabling her car or taking her money or threatening physical violence. Those would be bad.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

Blondilocks: you are 100% correct.I never tried to stop my wife from going out.her husband has to sh#t or get off the pot.either go out with her and give it a try or leave her alone when she goes out.I even tried going out with wife a couple of times till I had bad experiences and gave it up all together.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

3nocharm:I never said I didn't try therapy.I go to the rifle range every week and now that I'm retired I go twice and it works for me.relaxing.


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

2ntnuf said:


> I must have missed that part or it's in another thread. That's bad, if that's what's happening. If he just doesn't care about going all the time, that's bad enough. There are times when she may need to go by herself. If it's something like real isolation attempts, like he's telling her she is not allowed to go or laying a guilt trip on her for going, that's another issue. Either way, she needs to be careful of letting him control her. He needs some counseling. Be careful with making it more than just about him, though. If it's only about him, it will make matters worse, not better, if you take it to the next level.


I actually did have a serious talk with DH about all of this stuff. Which means I must have sounded like a banshee to the people walking by our door but I was rather serious. I don't think he'll go to counseling unless I threatened him somehow, but he did say he was going to make changes. DH is taking small-- but taking them-- steps to be more social. I did let him know if we're invited to something together again and if he won't go, I'll go by myself. 



2ntnuf said:


> Now, I'm wondering what he does to try to isolate her? I hope he's not disabling her car or taking her money or threatening physical violence. Those would be bad.


Nope, he's never done any of that. DH has always known I can get money or a car if I ever needed too, LOL. DH usually throws a fit and lays on the guilt to get his way, and then constantly brings it up until I isolate myself. The guilt it usually what does me in.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

reesespieces said:


> I actually did have a serious talk with DH about all of this stuff. Which means I must have sounded like a banshee to the people walking by our door but I was rather serious. I don't think he'll go to counseling unless I threatened him somehow, but he did say he was going to make changes. DH is taking small-- but taking them-- steps to be more social. I did let him know if we're invited to something together again and if he won't go, I'll go by myself.


You have to get serious and be serious about it when you talk with him. He must get help or he will ruin your marriage. Like you said, even small steps are good. He has to change some, anyway. I'm sure you don't expect him to be the life of the party. You just want him to go with you and have a little fun. Maybe, you can even cut your visits just a little short and then increase them, when he starts going with you. I think he should know you are doing that. Tell him straight out. Don't be shy about it. Make sure he knows. He needs to make goals. He needs to write them down and work toward them so he can see his progress and you can too. He has to take this seriously. He does need some counseling, too. He really does. 

It would probably even help to have a little marriage counseling so you and he are on the same page. It might even give him goals to work toward so he can start to meet your needs again. He needs to know what your needs are. Maybe reading His Needs, Her Needs would help. Also, The Five Love Languages might be helpful. You don't want to let this go, if you are committed to each other. Sounds to me like you love him. That's wonderful.  



reesespieces said:


> Nope, he's never done any of that. DH has always known I can get money or a car if I ever needed too, LOL. DH usually throws a fit and lays on the guilt to get his way, and then constantly brings it up until I isolate myself. The guilt it usually what does me in.


Good. That makes me feel better.  That fit he throws is bull crap. He has to own his problem and see someone for help, on his own. 

It is not your fault. None of it. Do not cow tow to him. Work with him some, but this has to come from him. It's his issue and he needs to fix it. Let him know his fits are inappropriate and you will not stand for them. He needs to work on himself or you will have to make changes. 

Make sure he knows those changes may mean a D or whatever you choose. You do not deserve to be treated that way. It sounds like he is just being a child. I'm not ruling out a problem, though. He may have some issue. That's why he needs to go to a counselor. You can't fix him. Don't forget that. He can only fix himself.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I thought I could relate, but I don't have any friends. My wife/kids are my friends. I have acquaintances, work peeps, but after work it's all about the kids, date night, and trying to score lol. 

No time for hanging out with "dudes", but even when I have free time I would much prefer just chilling by myself or go to the gym then actually hang with someone.

The complaining part is what worries me......almost a victim attitude. Good luck


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

2ntnuf said:


> Make sure he knows those changes may mean a D or whatever you choose. You do not deserve to be treated that way. It sounds like he is just being a child. I'm not ruling out a problem, though. He may have some issue. That's why he needs to go to a counselor. You can't fix him. Don't forget that. He can only fix himself.


Another reason why I feel guilty (and yes, you're right about it being from him) is due to something I see here a lot at TAM and IRL. DH and I are not each other's "best friend" and sometimes the reason why I've given in is because I wondered if I had an obligation to be his BF. I always see "yeah my husband is my best friend, he's my everything and I don't care for other friends." I don't have much of friends as it is but I feel bad for seeking out friendships with others because I wonder if I'm supposed to derive all of my fulfillment from DH. It seems a rather codependent way of thinking, but I do compare my marriage to other people's when they say they are best friends with their spouse. It makes me question if there's something wrong with my marriage or if there's something wrong with my desire to want a few meaningful friendships outside of my husband.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

reesespieces said:


> Another reason why I feel guilty (and yes, you're right about it being from him) is due to something I see here a lot at TAM and IRL. DH and I are not each other's "best friend" and sometimes the reason why I've given in is because I wondered if I had an obligation to be his BF. I always see "yeah my husband is my best friend, he's my everything and I don't care for other friends." I don't have much of friends as it is but I feel bad for seeking out friendships with others because I wonder if I'm supposed to derive all of my fulfillment from DH. It seems a rather codependent way of thinking, but I do compare my marriage to other people's when they say they are best friends with their spouse. It makes me question if there's something wrong with my marriage or if there's something wrong with my desire to want a few meaningful friendships outside of my husband.


I always wanted to be best friends with my wife. It was just a desire, probably because I really had no best friend all my life. I tried to have friends, but it was very tough. Personalities got in the way. It seemed I had more at stake in the game than they did. I seemed to always be the one getting my feelings hurt or being taken advantage of. I finally just didn't care to try very hard because the cost was so high. I didn't reap the rewards I thought I might or that I wanted. What did I want? I wanted to be able to talk with someone like I would a family member and go do things together that we both liked. I truly don't even know if that is what good friends do or not. I always thought it was.

Codependency is a touchy subject. What one person finds way over the line, another will think is fine. I think the difference is when we make excuses for our spouse and support and facilitate their bad habits. We place our own happiness behind our suffering for our spouse. We work only to support our spouse's bad habits and constantly change our plans and activities to meet their needs. I don't believe I ever did that. I was too lazy for that. However, there does need to be *some* of that within a good relationship, but it's a balance. If we do too much for our spouse and others and not enough for ourselves, we will not be able to love them in a manner that they will recognize as loving. That's simply because we need to build that up within us to be able to give it. At least, that's how I think of it.

Edit: I don't mean support bad habits. I mean give of ourselves and share our lives. There must be *some* of that.  

So, we need to have a little allowance and go out with friends. We need to go do something alone, in my opinion, too. We need to learn to gift ourselves these things. We need to......have our own lives, to some extent or we will lose ourselves in obsession instead of healthy love. 

Well, I'm no doctor. That's just how I see it. I know he needs counseling. I think you would only, as far as I can tell, need to go to get some support to put up with stuff. I could be wrong. I don't mean to suggest there is anything wrong with you. I don't think there is. I don't think helping our spouse is codependent. I don't think spending time with them is either.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

My husband is very much a loner as well. In the 7 years we have been together, we have gone out with his coworkers once and he has gone out with me and my friends very few times. Even when I have company come to the house he hides out in the bedroom. I have one friend that he talks to if she's here and the first time she was over, I looked at her and asked "where's my husband? Who is this guy??" Then again, when he walked into the room, she had a beer in her hand which he could relate to. lol

It's just a matter of finding people he has something in common with and feels comfortable around. My husband is 14 years older than me and likes computers, beer, and guns. Has no interest in sports or other "man" things, so has difficulty finding my friends of any interest. Some question it, and some think it's kind of weird. Most ask how we ever ended up together because he is SO quiet and reserved and I'm so spastic and bubbly! I just laugh, give them a wink, and tell them it isn't for his money or personality. Which of course is a joke. I love him for being him, quirks and all.

He does go to my family functions and participate in the lives of our children though. That's a huge plus. Some of it he only goes to because he feels obligated, but I don't complain. If he shows up, I'm happy. I don't expect him to talk to anyone, so when he does, it's just an added bonus. My family has come to accept his silence and understand that he isn't being rude, he just really doesn't have much to say. He has never refused a large holiday so if he doesn't want to join us for a Sunday dinner or something, it's okay. 

I guess the difference is, he seems to be okay hanging out alone. Heck, most of the time I wonder if he even cares that I'm here.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

cons said:


> Reeses-
> 
> Try hearing your husband behind the words. I think he truly is in want of friendship...with people he feels comfortable with...
> 
> ...


:iagree: I guess I could be called anti social. I have 1 friend who I hardly see anymore. I am not the type of person that can strike up a conversation with a stranger. Now if they start talking about something I like, then I can. My wife has a bunch of friends and co workers who hang out all the time. There are only a couple of them that I am comfortable with and unless they are going, I usually do not want to hang with her friends.

Typically, I usually am not looking forward to going out with her friends at all. I make the effort and usually end up enjoying myself once there. Its just getting there thats the hard part.


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

MyHappyPlace said:


> It's just a matter of finding people he has something in common with and feels comfortable around.


This has been especially difficult for DH because he often feels he can't meet people who share anything with him. 



MyHappyPlace said:


> He does go to my family functions and participate in the lives of our children though. That's a huge plus. Some of it he only goes to because he feels obligated, but I don't complain. If he shows up, I'm happy. I don't expect him to talk to anyone, so when he does, it's just an added bonus.


I would LOVE for DH to go out with me even if he didn't talk much at all! It would mean more for him to show up and be there. 



MyHappyPlace said:


> I guess the difference is, he seems to be okay hanging out alone. Heck, most of the time I wonder if he even cares that I'm here.


My husband has the opposite going on-- he HAS to have my attention most of the time and it gets really exhausting after a while. I have to take care of my own things too, and sometimes I just want to be left alone.


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

2ntnuf said:


> I don't think helping our spouse is codependent.


In the past when I was in therapy, I was told multiple times how I was codependent on DH and that was part of my issue with forming healthy relationships with other people. Long story short, DH and I have really been through rough times and I just want to see this change so we can move forward for the better. Even small changes from him would be significant.


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## Random_Girl (Nov 17, 2013)

I haven't read the last page of responses, but it sounds like a SEVERE lack of self esteem to me. And possibly he's just an introverted person? I'm an introvert, and honestly I dread going to other kid's birthday parties, dinners with couples I am only acquaintances with, anyone I feel pressured to impress, etc. Especially if my spouse knew them/felt comfortable with them and I did not. I feel awkward and emotionally drained in those situations and (thankfully) so does my husband. I much prefer to hang out comfortably with our small handful of close friends - which mostly consists of siblings + their spouses. I don't feel a need to go out and meet people on a regular basis, which is normal for a lot of people, I think. 

It sounds like you enjoy meeting new people and socializing regularly, whereas your husband does not, never developed the skills needed to do so and he has become resentful about it. 

The constant complaints/comments would be confusing and annoying if I were in your situation, at some point I would have to insist he either accept that he isn't a social person and stop bringing it up, or decide the issue is worth making real changes for.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Social Anxiety Disorder (if that hasn't been said already... sorry, only read the first 2 pages or so)

Totally had this in high school, exactly as OP described her husband. "Why can't people be more like me?" etc.

I clearly remember when it ended - I was 22, almost done college, realized that through 4 years of it, I only had acquaintances and no real friends I would continue to see afterwards. 

I decided I had enough, and that was it. Like anybody with issues, they are usually fought from within. It's just getting to that point that's the hard part. Anybody who's quit smoking can attest to that. You wake up one day, and say enough's enough and do it.

Some people never reach that point.


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

Random_Girl said:


> I haven't read the last page of responses, but it sounds like a SEVERE lack of self esteem to me. And possibly he's just an introverted person? I'm an introvert, and honestly I dread going to other kid's birthday parties, dinners with couples I am only acquaintances with, anyone I feel pressured to impress, etc. Especially if my spouse knew them/felt comfortable with them and I did not. I feel awkward and emotionally drained in those situations and (thankfully) so does my husband. I much prefer to hang out comfortably with our small handful of close friends - which mostly consists of siblings + their spouses. I don't feel a need to go out and meet people on a regular basis, which is normal for a lot of people, I think.
> 
> It sounds like you enjoy meeting new people and socializing regularly, whereas your husband does not, never developed the skills needed to do so and he has become resentful about it.
> 
> The constant complaints/comments would be confusing and annoying if I were in your situation, at some point I would have to insist he either accept that he isn't a social person and stop bringing it up, or decide the issue is worth making real changes for.


You make valid points, but what is funny is HE is the extroverted one-- very vocal about how he thinks (does a lot of "out loud" thinking), how he has interacted with people, and so forth. I think it's a combination of poor self esteem and shyness. I'm actually the introverted one and I do feel drained after a lot of people interaction, but I enjoy smaller groups and one-to-one personal communication. However, I just don't look forward to a life where all we do is sit at home and become couch potatoes and wonder where our lives went.


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

alexm said:


> Social Anxiety Disorder (if that hasn't been said already... sorry, only read the first 2 pages or so)


I'm thinking it might have to do with his intrusive parents, but that could be it. At this point, all I can do is guess but DH has to make the first step. I'm willing to wait through all the small steps (or giant leaps) but as others have said, I can't do it for him. 

I do appreciate all of the insight here. I thought I was alone in having a husband like this. IRL people often don't understand what I'm talking about, so it's not something I share much.


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## trilobite (Jan 1, 2014)

My Dad is like this and it drove my Mom crazy for years. She told me years later that she considered divorce over it. In his case, it's not so much that he's anti-social but that he's shy and intellectual and expresses it in a strange way. He used to put up a lot of arguments and defenses against meeting people. I remember hearing him complain that the people we were going to see were boring or not "interesting." Apparently in private he would tell Mom that he also didn't know how to talk to them. 

My Mom's best friend realized what was going on and put on an extra-special effort to make him at ease and keep him engaged. It worked out and now he's happy to meet with her. 

I wouldn't say he has low self esteem. He just finds social interactions awkward and so unrewarding. He find his own, more solitary, pursuits to be more enjoyable. So he gravitates towards those. 

I think you have to be cunning. Try to identify what sort of people your husband likes and engineer low-pressure meetings with them. Perhaps also tell your closest friends what the issues are that you're having and see if they can help you but placing him at ease. This really worked for my Mom and her friends. I would suggest not making a big issue of the whole thing with him, if you can help it. If he's anxious you'll just make things worse by placing pressure on him.


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