# What is attractive that is not obvious



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I have a question for the ladies: what is it you find attractive about your man that might not be obvious to others?

I have discovered over the years that relationships can be a lot more complicated than I once thought. That has led me to look at things from different angles. 

I often think about couples I know and try to figure out what the woman finds so attractive about him. 

I know beautiful, intelligent women, and I look at her man and wonder what she finds so appealing about him. What is it that puts a smile on her face when she's with him? 

Sometimes it's a question of "what does he have that all the other men didn't have?"
With some men, I guess it seems more obvious if they fit a stereotypical image: they are handsome, witty, and doing ok on the financial side. 

But sometimes I see a guy who isn't exactly Tom Selleck, his personality could be described as a little goofy, but he has an attractive wife who seems to love her life. 

I know of one couple near me. I have no idea what they do, but the woman is very attractive and seems intelligent, but her husband is more of a Goober Pyle type. She seems happy as a lark. 

All couples are not that extreme, but I do see men that I can't figure out what they do that keeps their woman turned on to them, especially if I compare them to other men I know who can't seem to have luck in relationships, but in my eyes, on the surface, they seem like more of a catch. 

So, what is it that keeps you turned on to your man and happy with your relationship that might not be obvious to those on the 
outside looking in?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

His sense of justice. It is extremely endearing to me that he will take the unpopular side of a situation and give it his support if it's the just thing to do, even if it makes things much more difficult for himself, and sometimes even both of us. It makes me beam with pride.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Oh, so many things.... He's witty, and he cherishes ME, he treats me like I'm special, the heat coming off his body is awesome....like a walking, hugging, cuddling heating pad! He's smart, family oriented, great work ethic. He's an awesome lover. He makes things happen. He owns his ****. He dances when he wakes up in the morning. 

Oh ya.... he TALKS....to ME. Well, to everyone....but especially to me! 

And so much more.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Thanks for the responses so far. I think the understanding of attraction will always puzzle me.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Well, my guy is pretty darn easy on the eye so I think many women would (and do!) find him physically attractive.

But the things that really attract me to him are his absolute self-confidence, his husky laugh, his face-lighting-up smile, his love and compassion for animals, and his tender-sensitive side lurking underneath that tough, he-man exterior. And the fact that I feel so darn _safe_ when I'm with him... safe in all ways, physically safe from harm, emotionally safe to be vulnerable, and spiritually safe in that we connect on a deep, intangible level.

My body and mind are drawn to him like a moth to a flame. It's something I have zero control over and cannot put into words. People talk about that "limerance" phase ending after a couple of years but for us it never has.

And he makes me smile and laugh and without even trying. In fact, I find myself smiling all throughout the day at something he said that morning or the night before, and smiling at the thought of reconnecting the next time we're together.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

His heart. He's such a caring and generous person ... I'm hoping that some of that will rub off on me. 

Oh, and he appreciates me like no one else ever has. Hard not to be addicted to that.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Well with MrH it is his very high EQ that draws me to him. On a physical level then it is pretty damn obvious that he is a gorgeous man but that alone would not keep me by his side. He has a wicked SOH, high moral standards, works hard, is kind and caring to others. He is just one of those guys that people are drawn to, he can hold a conversation and interact with all sorts of people. He loves life and we always have something going on.
He has a very high sex drive and a very healthy attitude to sex. Life is good with him and he inspires me


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

I find a pro active man appealing. Not the type to meddle, but the type to FIX problems between the people he loves, not just sit back and be like "It's their life" or "It is what it is" because that approach just makes me think they're not a problem solver. As someone else said, a sense of justice is sexy. I respect a man who speaks up for whomever he feels is right even if the riff is among family or friends. I detest people with no opinion.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Physically, blue eyes. An absolute physical must have for me.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Anyone here who likes a laid-back, easy going guy, or is that not as attractive as it once was? I remember when I was a kid, I would hear some women complain that their husband was working all the time, but I don't hear that much anymore. It seems like everyone is constantly active and it's the norm these days. Are on- the-go guys attractive?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

A man who treats me good is 10000% more attractive than a good looking man who treats me like he doesn't care. 

My bf happens to be hot as heck but I am attracted to his quiet confidence, his ability to be soft when needed. His passion and humour. 

But to be honest, when I'm looking for someone I am looking for one who isn't all about looks. I'm not good looking, I do put a lot of effort into relationships. I have to find people who care more about that than my looks. 

I find trying to catch the most attractive one you can misses more important areas of compatiblity. 

As for on the go guys, I'm not a fan. I need time for me. I need time to relax. I personally am not an in the go girl so it wouldn't be a fit for my lifestyle. Give me a weekend of laying in bed watching Netflix together any day.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

My hb treats me well, handles things so i don't have to, isn't needy, and doesn't need his ego stroked.

I find those things attractive.

Also, he's in great physical shape.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

southbound said:


> Anyone here who likes a laid-back, easy going guy, or is that not as attractive as it once was? I remember when I was a kid, I would hear some women complain that their husband was working all the time, but I don't hear that much anymore. It seems like everyone is constantly active and it's the norm these days. Are on- the-go guys attractive?


Laid back, easy going is great. 

Hard working and working too many hours are two different things. MrH is hard working and has a very successful career but he works reasonable hours so we get to spend at least an hour together in the morning and he is usually home by 6.30 so lots of time together in the evening.

On the go, well it depends on what you mean. We have very busy lives but it is doing things we enjoy doing together such as socialising and entertaining. We can spend hours together in the garden on the weekend then off to see a band in the evening. We are busy doing things that we find relaxing.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Not a woman, but I think the OP is trying to understand what attracts women to men. All I can say is to just be yourself, because someone will find THAT attractive, which will be a lot easier in the long run than trying to be attractive. You already are attractive to someone. You just may not have met them yet or rather they just may have not met you.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

My husband didn't gossip or bad-mouth people which I highly respected. When a guy engages in that behavior my respect for him plummets because that isn't a 'manly' thing to do.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

Laid back is still good. It's harder and harder to avoid the rat race in this economic clime -- but the rat race is definitely overrated.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

wild jade said:


> Laid back is still good. It's harder and harder to avoid the rat race in this economic clime -- but the rat race is definitely overrated.


I agree 100 percent. I have never participated in the rat race, but it seems like it has become such a norm that people are bored or thinks someone is lazy if they aren't on the go all the time. 

Another poster said I was basically asking what attracts women to men; I suppose that is correct, just from a different angle. 

I suppose I asked the question the way I did because my biggest puzzle is when I see men that appear to be equals, yet one has no success with women, or I see a man with an attractive, successful woman and honestly have to wonder what attracts her to him. 

So, I thought there has to be things going on behind the scenes that aren't obvious.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I think the answer is very specific to the individual. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder after all. There are things/looks that are such turn offs to me, that stop me dead in the tracks that I would see and know right away that that guy isn't for me. And there are little things that I see that I like. Some things are like stop signs, caution signs, and green lights. Yea these may be judgmental but you like what you like. But one of my good friends is super attracted to the certain things that I would see and would give me a stop sign. 

Everyone's taste is so individualized but sometimes you can group types together. So What type of women do you want to attract? Some men love girly girls, high fashion, all dolled up. Some men would look at this girl and say wow I can't afford her or she's too high maintenance. Some women want a cowboy type, a manly worker type, some want a high power business man. So you need to also ask yourself who are you trying to attract and then you will get your answer to what some women find attractive.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

southbound said:


> I suppose I asked the question the way I did because my biggest puzzle is when I see men that appear to be equals, yet one has no success with women, or I see a man with an attractive, successful woman and honestly have to wonder what attracts her to him.
> .




What a lot of men don't understand is how much more visually driven they are than us. Who the person is inside and how they make us feel is HUGE and definitely makes them more attractive. Also I like to feel proud to be with my man, so what he does and how he behaves, and how he looks/dresses and how he conducts himself is important to me.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

For me, I like interesting men. And men who are interesting are typically interested in things. I love to have conversations, discuss things, have our opinions, learn things and be interested. So whether we are discussing a piece of art, or a book, that latest episode of xyz please give me something! Have an opinion please! I hate men who are so easy going that they don't care about anything, they have no opinions, no care in the world, and it's impossible to have a conversation with.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

A great sense of humor. You keep me laughing and I'll think you hung the moon.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

southbound said:


> I have a question for the ladies: what is it you find attractive about your man that might not be obvious to others?


He always does the right thing. 
He has worked consistently since he was a teenager, and has a strong work ethic. 
He's dependable and trustworthy to a fault. 
He has supported me as a SAM of our three kids for 17 years. 
He wants the people he loves to be happy. 
He takes care of me better than I could ever take care of myself. 
He doesn't try to change who I am at my core. 
I can tell him anything. ANYTHING. Even stuff I don't tell my girlfriends and my mom and my sisters.
He challenges me to be better, do better in just about every area of my life. He does not let me give up.
He has a motorcycle, a sports car, and a gun.
He would never share me, and mate guards like a champ. 
He treats me like a girl. 

Also, he is handsome and a talented lover. 

He's not perfect. He pisses me off quite frequently. But I actually think I might otherwise be bored, lol.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

My boyfriend commented recently that he thinks women give men a pass on physical attraction more often than men do. In other words, he was saying what you said: he sometimes sees women with men who seem to be objectively less attractive than they are, specifically in their body (i.e.: the guy may be fat even though the woman is not and for some reason she still picked him).

I did not say this to him, but my thought was "ok she may be married to him but do they have a good sex life? Probably not. She's probably not physically attracted to him in most cases if he is actually fat and she is not so even if they are married are you sure they actually have a decent sex life?" Because if they don't is in really her giving him a pass or did she just settle?

IMO, men don't think their own physique is that important for attraction of a female. Men tend to be quite aware of their own preferences in a female as far as attraction goes but they don't seem to understand that women need to feel attraction as well. I don't think women give guys a pass on physical attraction as much as it is just common for men to not realize it is important to women too.

So while you may see those mismatched couples out there, you may not realize that even though she is with him, she isn't actually sexually or physically attracted to him.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

My husband is strong, good looking, fun, generous, etc so people might see on the outside what I see, and not question what would attract me, but out of it all, he just gets me. We lay in bed sometimes not saying a word, and I just know that he gets me, even when we're not talking. I've never had that before. And I get him.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Me and my bf are the opposite. He's the good looking one. He's tall and handsome, he's got that perfect body where he's strong looking but still soft enough to snuggle on his chest and be comfy. He's got huge hands that are all rough and facial hair that always looks a little stubbly. His eyes are amazing and when he smiles it makes a girl need to sit on a towel. 

I'm super average. Just plain, a little chubby. 

Him being attractive to me is important but everyone has different tastes. Someone can see me as beautiful and him as "meh" depending on their type. 

I see girls with these preppy, jock gym looking guys and I think "why?" But he is what they are attracted to. I'm not. At all.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I see girls with these preppy, jock gym looking guys and I think "why?" But he is what they are attracted to. I'm not. At all.


Me too.

I think I'm attracted to the unconventional and the imperfect, to a degree, when it comes to physical attributes. I find them endearing and sexy. I like strong and healthy and hygienic, don't get me wrong. But the over-whitened teeth, the fake tans, the super low body fat, the waxed skin--it's just not masculine to me. A man who takes what he's got and makes the most of it without it requiring a multi-hour production every day: I'm good with that.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

Faithful Wife said:


> So while you may see those mismatched couples out there, you may not realize that even though she is with him, she isn't actually sexually or physically attracted to him.


This happens. No doubt. But I also think men are notoriously bad at understanding what women find attractive in men.

A good friend of mine, for example, always went for the skinny nerdy guys in glasses. That was her preferred type, and every guy she dated fit that type. Looking in from the outside, though, a lot of people might judge her as having "settled" or not being actually attracted. 

Me too, for that matter. I've never gone for the conventionally good looking guys. I like a bit more craggy character than you'll ever get in a GQ model.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Dang so many of you women have described me, yet here I am still looking HAHA! No actually I think it is as I already said. Women and men are attracted to what they are attracted to. Everyone is different. Some woman like teddy nears, some like lunks, some like nerds, some like brainiacs, some like accountants. The key is in finding the person who is attracted to you that you are also attracted to.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

southbound said:


> I agree 100 percent. I have never participated in the rat race, but it seems like it has become such a norm that people are bored or thinks someone is lazy if they aren't on the go all the time.


I think a lot of people are driven by fear. For the first time in a long time, the next generation isn't doing better economically than their parents. Cost of living is going up, salaries aren't. Surviving on one income is getting harder and harder.

Of course, some of it is pure lifestyle choice, and those who have to have it all will always be chasing the dragon. But it's also tougher to be laid back and still put food on the table.



southbound said:


> Another poster said I was basically asking what attracts women to men; I suppose that is correct, just from a different angle.
> 
> I suppose I asked the question the way I did because my biggest puzzle is when I see men that appear to be equals, yet one has no success with women, or I see a man with an attractive, successful woman and honestly have to wonder what attracts her to him.
> 
> So, I thought there has to be things going on behind the scenes that aren't obvious.


Do you ever see an attractive man who has it all with a woman and wonder what he's doing with her? 

What sort of answers would you come up with for that scenario?


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Integrity
Self-control
Compassion
Generosity
Faithfulness
Kindness/gentleness
Peaceful and peace-loving


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

wild jade said:


> Do you ever see an attractive man who has it all with a woman and wonder what he's doing with her?
> 
> What sort of answers would you come up with for that scenario?


Im not just going on looks. As I wrote, I'm wondering what the attraction is that is not so obvious. I base it mostly on couples that I know a little about their personalities. I see some guys that don't seem to have a romantic bone in their body, have a goofy personality, and you name it, but they seem to have a happy wife.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Ynot said:


> Dang so many of you women have described me, yet here I am still looking HAHA! No actually I think it is as I already said. Women and men are attracted to what they are attracted to. Everyone is different. Some woman like teddy nears, some like lunks, some like nerds, some like brainiacs, some like accountants. The key is in finding the person who is attracted to you that you are also attracted to.


You are right. How does one explain, though, the few that nobody seems attracted to, but it's difficult to tell why. They are decent looking and seem to have a good personality, but it doesn't seem to attract anyone.


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## LaReine (Aug 14, 2017)

There is this glint he gets in his eyes right before he starts laughing... it's like a "hey this is going to be funny" thing.

Apparently nobody else sees it and despite mentioning it he doesn't know it's there either.

That's mine. That glint.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

katiecrna said:


> Everyone's taste is so individualized but sometimes you can group types together. So What type of women do you want to attract? Some men love girly girls, high fashion, all dolled up. Some men would look at this girl and say wow I can't afford her or she's too high maintenance. Some women want a cowboy type, a manly worker type, some want a high power business man. So you need to also ask yourself who are you trying to attract and then you will get your answer to what some women find attractive.


For me, I'd like a woman who is feminin, sweet personality, laid back, kinda old fashioned, likes the simple things in life, enjoys being at home, not wanting to be on the go and traveling all the time. However, I don't believe a woman with all those characteristics exists.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

I’ll answer from the perspective of the ladies in my life, romantic interests and otherwise. If by "laid back" you mean a guy who is lackadaisical about his career and doesn’t have a ton of ambition, then that isn’t as desirable/acceptable as it may have been in the past. Today it takes a lot of effort to be able to provide financial security, which is a priority for many/most ladies. The more difficult it becomes to achieve that security, the more the kick-back guy who just works an ordinary job and makes an average wage will fall out of favor (all else being equal).

As a reference point, a recent study showed that $75k in annual earnings is where life contentment plateaus, probably because that’s where you can meet your needs and do things that bring you happiness. At that level you can afford to have a comfortable home, take good care of yourself, spend for fun things in your life – lifestyle characteristics that attract a lady’s attention as being a quality guy with something positive going on in his life.

You look at Census data for personal income, and it shows that on average, people without a college degree don’t hit $75k in income. Even most people with college degrees don’t hit that earning level until their 30s and 40s.
Translation: as a rule, it takes a lot of hard work (getting at least a Bachelor’s degree and then substantial job experience) to have that comfortable life that reflects well on you. People with laid-back attitudes towards their careers won’t accomplish this, which reduces their attractiveness at some level.




southbound said:


> Anyone here who likes a laid-back, easy going guy, or is that not as attractive as it once was? I remember when I was a kid, I would hear some women complain that their husband was working all the time, but I don't hear that much anymore. It seems like everyone is constantly active and it's the norm these days. Are on- the-go guys attractive?


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

DTO said:


> I?ll answer from the perspective of the ladies in my life, romantic interests and otherwise. If by "laid back" you mean a guy who is lackadaisical about his career and doesn?t have a ton of ambition, then that isn?t as desirable/acceptable as it may have been in the past. Today it takes a lot of effort to be able to provide financial security, which is a priority for many/most ladies. The more difficult it becomes to achieve that security, the more the kick-back guy who just works an ordinary job and makes an average wage will fall out of favor (all else being equal).
> 
> As a reference point, a recent study showed that $75k in annual earnings is where life contentment plateaus, probably because that?s where you can meet your needs and do things that bring you happiness. At that level you can afford to have a comfortable home, take good care of yourself, spend for fun things in your life ? lifestyle characteristics that attract a lady?s attention as being a quality guy with something positive going on in his life.
> 
> ...


I believe you are 100 percent correct. It's more about stuff today than it was in the past, although a lot won't admit it. 

I'm easy to please. I enjoy the simple things in life. I'm certainly not lacking or struggling for any needs, I actually have a good career; however, I'm not out busting my butt so I can have a boat, big house, and a couple of vacations a year, because I don't care for that stuff anyway.


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## LaReine (Aug 14, 2017)

Most people who write "laid back" mean lazy. 
My husband now knows to say lazy when I pointed out that wanting to stay home all day isn't laid back. 
Laid back is when something goes wrong you don't panic, you find a solution that works for everyone on a basic level- because anything above that isn't necessary.

Eg our wedding venue had an incident and had to cancel two weeks beforehand. Hubby panicked and I went and made us coffee and we sat outside. Then I suggested that we go to our favourite restaurant instead. My family are all overseas and couldn't make it (kids in school etc). I looked at our guest list of 100 and realised only 40 had RSVPd so I checked the names again and chased up another 10 that were close. So had a list of 50 and booked for that.

No frills, no massive hall. Just good food and friends/family. It was awesome. Total cost incl clothing, flowers, meal etc was less than 4K. 
We put the rest away for savings and went to Fiji for a long weekend instead of a big honeymoon. Suited us perfectly.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

southbound said:


> I have a question for the ladies: what is it you find attractive about your man that might not be obvious to others?


That might not be obvious... well, seeing as work/career is being mentioned, currently he's part of the leadership team, in the short-term it's big hours. From the outside, this could represent a certain way. What may not be obvious that I'm privy to is what's being cemented for him; his priorities, integrity, sense of self. That grounded sense of self is attractive. 

He makes it obvious I'm a priority to him. The consideration and being a man of his word is attractive. Another 'not so obvious' is that for the most part, he walks to the beat of his own drum. Time and time again, the way he goes about things has me laughing, bewildered and intrigued. This has been consistent and consistently attractive. 

There's so many factors with attraction. We get one another. That's attractive too.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

southbound said:


> I have a question for the ladies: what is it you find attractive about your man that might not be obvious to others?
> 
> I have discovered over the years that relationships can be a lot more complicated than I once thought. That has led me to look at things from different angles.
> 
> ...


My daughter says that too about me and her Dad, what did I see in him, she reckons I am so much more attractive than him, but looks are only skin deep.
My H and I have had our fair share of problems but here goes:

1. His wit
2. His grin
3. His physicality, esp when he hugs me or puts his hand on the small of my back when we are out
4. His love for our kids and dogs
5. His ability to know when something is wrong with me, he just senses it
6. His work ethic
7. His desire to fix things 

Generally, there is just a chemistry between us which I cannot explain. He calls it passion. We are good friends, when things are good between us but even when we fight it is there.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

LaReine said:


> Most people who write "laid back" mean lazy.
> My husband now knows to say lazy when I pointed out that wanting to stay home all day isn't laid back.
> Laid back is when something goes wrong you don't panic, you find a solution that works for everyone on a basic level- because anything above that isn't necessary.


Not panicking over something is part of being laid back. I also define it as someone who isn't "on the go" and running around like a chicken with its head cut off all the time. 

I remember a time in my youth when adults worked hard and had great work ethic; however, I remember when people also had a life outside of constant activity. Weekends and evenings were kinda relaxed at my house and all the other homes I knew. Kids were outside playing together while an adult might have been firing up the grill for some burgers, and not just something hurried before heading out for the next activity. 

I believe being able to work and then have some down time was actually a sign of success when I was a kid. People enjoyed staying at home when they could; it wasn't considered lazy. I've never understood the appeal of being on the go all the time.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

So, if I understand what some are saying here, if a man just works a regular 9-5 job, so to speak, and isn't digging and clawing for more all the time, it's a turn off for women these days?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

southbound said:


> So, if I understand what some are saying here, if a man just works a regular 9-5 job, so to speak, and isn't digging and clawing for more all the time, it's a turn off for women these days?


I have no idea why you would imagine anyone said that. As some one else said being laid back is different than being lazy. If you have a job you are happy with, enjoy, work 9-5 and have no complaints I don't think many would hold that against you. If, however you have that same job and claim to be laid back while complaining about work and never having enough money. I think many would consider that just laziness.
I am sure many would consider me to be laid back. I am self employed. If I wanted to I could make a ton more money than I do. As it is I can work about 30 hours a week and make more money than I know what to do with. Instead I choose to enjoy my life. I eat out and enjoy good restaurants. I enjoy drinking good beer (no Budweiser or Miller for me) I enjoy good bourbon. Some might call me lazy for not going all out to be "successful", but by my definition of success I have already arrived.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

southbound said:


> I believe you are 100 percent correct. It's more about stuff today than it was in the past, although a lot won't admit it.
> 
> I'm easy to please. I enjoy the simple things in life. I'm certainly not lacking or struggling for any needs, I actually have a good career; however, I'm not out busting my butt so I can have a boat, big house, and a couple of vacations a year, because I don't care for that stuff anyway.


People wanting more stuff is part of it. I agree that in some areas people's wants keep increasing (bigger homes and TVs, for example). If people scaled their material wants back, you could be satisfied with less.

Another part is prices for necessities are rising faster than wages. The middle class continues to be hollowed out; jobs you could just pick up and do without a bunch of formal training and still make a good living are going away. Increasingly, people are going to school then building a career, and doing relatively well or they are taking jobs that don't require much formal knowledge and struggling.

IMO working regular 8-5 hours is not the issue. The issue (as you alluded to) is whether you have earned a role with that schedule which meets your wants and needs (current and future), as you have. Most likely, someone in that position took charge of their careers and paid their dues, nothing fell in his lap. 

You need to be able to provide fairly well for yourself. If you can do that with a laid-back job attitude then that’s great (although that's not the norm). If you are working an 8-5, struggling, and don’t have a plan, you’re not going to get much attention. If a lady had to choose between this guy and someone invested more in his career, this second guy will get the attention most of the time.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

southbound said:


> So, if I understand what some are saying here, if a man just works a regular 9-5 job, so to speak, and isn't digging and clawing for more all the time, it's a turn off for women these days?


I don't think anyone is saying that at all. My point is that there's a minimum level of achievement a man needs to have to be attractive, and it generally doesn't come to someone who is laid-back about it. And, it’s getting ever harder to meet that bar the way our economy is evolving.

While you don’t have to be always digging and clawing for more, you will have to do it at some point (going to school and developing skills, building a business, etc.) to get to that level of achievement. And if you are struggling yet not striving to improve your lot, you won’t generate that attraction in a lady. So, yes, you might have problems landing a partner if you are too laid-back about it.

I’d like to know what you consider a regular 9-5 job. When I use that term, I am referring to something you can generally get into without much more than a high-school education or maybe some college. But your concept may differ.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

DTO said:


> southbound said:
> 
> 
> > I’d like to know what you consider a regular 9-5 job. When I use that term, I am referring to something you can generally get into without much more than a high-school education or maybe some college. But your concept may differ.
> ...


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## LaReine (Aug 14, 2017)

southbound said:


> Not panicking over something is part of being laid back. I also define it as someone who isn't "on the go" and running around like a chicken with its head cut off all the time.
> 
> I remember a time in my youth when adults worked hard and had great work ethic; however, I remember when people also had a life outside of constant activity. Weekends and evenings were kinda relaxed at my house and all the other homes I knew. Kids were outside playing together while an adult might have been firing up the grill for some burgers, and not just something hurried before heading out for the next activity.
> 
> I believe being able to work and then have some down time was actually a sign of success when I was a kid. People enjoyed staying at home when they could; it wasn't considered lazy. I've never understood the appeal of being on the go all the time.




There is nothing wrong with staying home to rest. There is something wrong with staying home all the time because you "can't be bothered".
If we have a busy week, we stay home at the weekend (other than kids sport).
If we have a regular week (h works 8-4, 4 days a week), we go out. 
H used to want to stay home playing fb games all day 3 days a week- that's lazy. One day is fine- now he does it on wed which is his day off.


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## LaReine (Aug 14, 2017)

southbound said:


> DTO said:
> 
> 
> > Im a school teacher. We have a set salary. For me, that is enough. I'm not working two part-time jobs to make more money or working in the summer to gain more income. For me, having summers off is part of the "success factor" in my life. I also get to retire at age 55. That sounds like a pretty good deal to me.
> ...


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Job matters much less to me than responsibility. 

A man who over spends, puts things on credit and lives beyond his means is unattractive. 

A guy can have a 9-5 min wage job and I wouldn't care at all as long as he was smart with his money and time. 

I don't like workoholics. I want someone who has passion for what they do but doesn't live at work.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

LaReine said:


> southbound said:
> 
> 
> > DTO said:
> ...


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Most of the people I know want to chill. I have a few who are always on the go but there are plenty who are happiest being home, thrifty, and low key. You just have to find someone who suits your lifestyle.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Most of the people I know want to chill. I have a few who are always on the go but there are plenty who are happiest being home, thrifty, and low key. You just have to find someone who suits your lifestyle.


Maybe it could be a difference in different places. I have to remind myself that a lot of different areas are represented on this forum. 

I live in a very rural area, and while I'm sure our daily lives are much more laid back in some ways than in a large urban area, I don't know too many home bodies. 

Everybody is on the go doing one thing or another. I sometimes think that because we live in a rural area that people feel like they have something to prove. It's almost like they think if they stay on the go all the time it will make them more uptown. I don't know.


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## LaReine (Aug 14, 2017)

If you continually assume things about people then that will show on how you act and is possibly why people are unattracted.

People like to be thought of as busy. They talk a busy game but that doesn't mean they are. So if you hear it and think "gosh this person can't relax", that's not true.

My friends are always saying how busy I am. I have a toddler and a pre-teen stepdaughter and a stepson. I don't drive and we live about 3 hours from them if there is bad traffic- which there always is during pick up and drop off. So I am always "on the go" in that I am not at home. But often I am playing with the kids at the park, watching them play sport while chatting to other parents and sipping coffee, sitting on a train or bus and reading (toddler often sleeps on public transport), etc. 

The only actual active business is household stuff, yoga and lots of walking. 

I appear really busy, but I'm not. I just have a lot of out of the house time.

ETA: we are currently in between sports so Saturday is our at home day for now. Usually we are out from 7am-4pm with sport. Sunday we spend at my in laws and that is our real "at home" day as we go at 11 and get home at 4. 


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

southbound said:


> So, if I understand what some are saying here, if a man just works a regular 9-5 job, so to speak, and isn't digging and clawing for more all the time, it's a turn off for women these days?


You asked 'what isn't obvious' ...and what I failed to communicate is my husband doesn't aspire to the long hours he's currently doing and the lifestyle that entails in terms of work. However we decided together this makes sense for the moment. I was attempting not to share too much in previous post. When he approaches his work for regular hours, simply as he wants to be home with me (and has that option), that's attractive to me. 

He doesn't dig and claw. He is driven by fear to support a certain lifestyle for him/us; has a certain mindset about these things. That's on him. What I do find attractive, irrelevant of salary, is the way he takes responsibility for himself. A few years ago, he could see a trend coming that would mean his line of work would become less lucrative. We discussed together what path he'd want to take/different direction. I asked what the 'next' path would be beyond that one (as much as he could predict). He'd done his research, figured what that would be, then leap-frogged there. It's paying off. While others might have looked to me thinking I'd prefer stability, risk-averse, it's not the case at all. So... what's not obvious is that I respect he went for it, balanced with knowing his limitations and what suits us a couple (example, turning down lots of travel/working away). We approach these things together and that's also attractive. 

All of that stuff, perhaps not so obvious on the outside.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

southbound said:


> Maybe it could be a difference in different places. I have to remind myself that a lot of different areas are represented on this forum.
> 
> I live in a very rural area, and while I'm sure our daily lives are much more laid back in some ways than in a large urban area, I don't know too many home bodies.
> 
> Everybody is on the go doing one thing or another. I sometimes think that because we live in a rural area that people feel like they have something to prove. It's almost like they think if they stay on the go all the time it will make them more uptown. I don't know.


And of curiosity, what did you do last weekend?

Our weekends vary. Sometimes social and busy, other times at home relaxing. We don't have kids. Weekend just gone I went for hair appointment, then home and lazed with hubs - watching shows/comedy, hanging out. Sunday slept in, made pancakes together, did chores, walked dogs, he read, I played music.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

heartsbeating said:


> And of curiosity, what did you do last weekend?
> 
> Our weekends vary. Sometimes social and busy, other times at home relaxing. We don't have kids. Weekend just gone I went for hair appointment, then home and lazed with hubs - watching shows/comedy, hanging out. Sunday slept in, made pancakes together, did chores, walked dogs, he read, I played music.


Last weekend I did a few farm chores on Saturday. I quit around 3:00 and listened to music and relaxed the rest of the day. On Sunday, I went to church and relaxed at home the rest of the day. 

How you described your last weekend sounds good to me.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

LaReine said:


> If you continually assume things about people then that will show on how you act and is possibly why people are unattracted.
> 
> People like to be thought of as busy. They talk a busy game but that doesn't mean they are. So if you hear it and think "gosh this person can't relax", that's not true.
> 
> ...


What you describe sounds busy to me. I didn't mean someone had to be involved in hard labor or closing an important business deal all the time, but I guess I'm homebody. 
If I have time off from work, I can go for several days without leaving the house, and I love it. I know other people who would think their life was withering away if they went a day or two without leaving home.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

southbound said:


> It was mentioned by another poster in this thread, but I suspected as much anyway. It's not just something I picked up here, but something I seem to notice about people in my everyday life.
> 
> I guess it's not all about work, but just a constant business that everyone seems to participate in anymore. It seems -+as though people don't like to relax anymore. Even peoples play turns out to be a lot of work, and people's play takes a lot of work to finance.
> 
> It just seems like people have forgotten how to chill out anymore. But that seems to be what a lot of people find atttactive these days.


Not sure whether this was directed at me, but I don't think ladies in general find 9-5 to be unattractive and I don't think that's what's being said. I think all else being equal, having a 9-5 schedule where you are home to interact with her and your family are positives.

However, the above assumes that one earns a comfortable life at a 9-5. If a guy barely makes ends meet at a 9-5 then he's not going to be attractive (not as a serious relationship partner). He will be perceived better if he puts in the effort to "better himself". Simply put, the ability to support oneself supersedes the desire to have a job with a 9-5 schedule.

Let's not confuse working a 9-5 with being laid back. The former does not necessarily lead to the latter. Let's take the schoolteacher who posted recently. He lives comfortably and builds a secure future on a 9-5 schedule now. But to get there, he has at least a university degree and one year of teacher training; plus he spent a number of years working his way up the pay scale (at least that's how it is here in the U.S.). He is definitely not laid-back to have put so much concerted effort towards his profession.


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## LaReine (Aug 14, 2017)

southbound said:


> What you describe sounds busy to me. I didn't mean someone had to be involved in hard labor or closing an important business deal all the time, but I guess I'm homebody.
> If I have time off from work, I can go for several days without leaving the house, and I love it. I know other people who would think their life was withering away if they went a day or two without leaving home.




I'm a homebody too. But I have kids and, as I said, don't drive so it takes time to get places.


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

southbound said:


> For me, I'd like a woman who is feminin, sweet personality, laid back, kinda old fashioned, likes the simple things in life, enjoys being at home, not wanting to be on the go and traveling all the time. However, I don't believe a woman with all those characteristics exists.


You rang.......


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Does that mean you possess those characteristics?


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

southbound said:


> Does that mean you possess those characteristics?


Wait....define "Old fashioned".


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

CatJayBird said:


> Wait....define "Old fashioned".


Hi!







How are you doing?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

CatJayBird said:


> southbound said:
> 
> 
> > For me, I'd like a woman who is feminin, sweet personality, laid back, kinda old fashioned, likes the simple things in life, enjoys being at home, not wanting to be on the go and traveling all the time. However, I don't believe a woman with all those characteristics exists.
> ...


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

CharlieParker said:


> Hi!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I'm doing good!


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