# Need help with marriage before divorce



## brokenheartedgrl (Jul 2, 2014)

Where do I begin. My husband of whom I known and been together off and on since college for 18 years. We been married for almost nine years coming this Sept. Couple of years ago, my husband cheated on me although he doesn’t considered it cheating. Two years ago I surprised and purchased him a phone he desperately wanted for his birthday and she called while they were activating. Answered phone and stated she didn’t know he was married. Questioned her and she said they didn’t have any sex just met one time and talked on phone. I considered this cheating because he did it behind my back and met her online. Fast forward two weeks ago, he called me at work stating he was driving to Virginia and he will be back on the weekend which was 4th of July weekend. Why would you tell me that while at work and not home that you are driving 9 hours to see your friend. I knew something was wrong then because the entire weekend he had his cell phone completely off. Finally he called me that Sunday and I used Sprint locator to locate him and he stated he was a hour away from him which was a lie. He was more like 15 minutes in the opposite direction. We talked and he stated we don’t have sex enough. Fine we can change and I’ll work on that. Well this week he’s been acting weird and asked him tonight what’s going on. Now he is saying that I’m not acting genuine with sex because I’m initiating it basically and having it more often when I was never a sexual person. You want me to change in order for the relationship to work, but now I’m not genuine enough. I am so depressed by this and definitely needs guidance with this. I have an appointment with a counselor next month but he doesn’t want to see one with or without me. What should I do? I am so tired of crying tears. I want this marriage to work.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I am very sorry to hear your story. I trust wiser heads than mine will have more positive ideas for you.

Does your husband want to stay in the marriage? I understand you do, but am unsure about him.

Obviously if he does not, then there is little you can do. If he does, then he has to be prepared to work with you to find a way forward.

Good luck.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

Just to reassure you, your husband DEFINITELY cheated. There is no question about that at all. And WHY would he go away on a holiday weekend without you if it wasn't planned prior to the weekend? It sounds like your husband is being very disrespectful to you and your relationship as husband and wife.

If I were you, I would check more into what he is doing. I doubt this is the first time he has cheated. I also do not think sex is his only problem. He is pulling away from you clearly. If he won't do counseling, you must push him to have an honest discussion, even if it starts a fight. Don't be afraid to voice your opinions about his behavior. 

I don't know if I was in this situation if I would want to save the marriage. Usually, cheaters repeat, especially if they won't work to fix your relationship. Sorry that you are having to deal with this.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

What college did you attend, just out of curiosity?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think you need advice from those in the Coping with Infidelity forum.

I won't comment on his cheating as I have no experience in this area. I'll add my thoughts on the sex issue.

My DH and I had a fair few problems early on in our marriage regarding his high drive for sex and my low drive. We went through all sorts of hell with children added into the mix as well. I tried very hard to accommodate his higher drive once I accepted the importance of sex to our marriage, which required me to initiate sex, because he stopped initiating, when I didn't actually feel like sex. I always enjoyed it though, but when starting up he could tell I was just faking it until I felt it.

For a little while he objected to this as well. One thing he has come to understand though is that if he rejects me because I'm not horny when I approach him, he's cutting off his nose to spite his face. If I only ever initiated sex when I was horny, we'd be in dire straights.

If all he wanted was a horny woman, he could've stayed with an ex GF of his. If that was the most important thing to him, he literally had it. Instead he broke up with her and eventually found me. He knew from the start that I wasn't a ferocious sex kitten. My desire needs a bit of fanning before it's starts to burn, that's just part of who I am. I have changed much of my previous ways of thinking to incorporate his needs as a priority in my mind.

I can see you are at the point of understanding his needs and you are trying to meet them. He doesn't feel it's enough because you were not a sex kitten from day dot. Part of his criticism might come from resentment of the past when he's felt neglected. It might also be because he is trying to justify cheating on you in his own mind.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I'm sure you're hurting, OP. You say you want to hang onto this marriage, but I don't understand why. Your husband is not treating you in a loving way, and he doesn't seem interested in changing. I think it's a losing battle.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

brokenheartedgrl said:


> Where do I begin. My husband of whom I known and been together off and on since college for 18 years. We been married for almost nine years coming this Sept. Couple of years ago, my husband cheated on me although he doesn’t considered it cheating. Two years ago I surprised and purchased him a phone he desperately wanted for his birthday and she called while they were activating. Answered phone and stated she didn’t know he was married. Questioned her and she said they didn’t have any sex just met one time and talked on phone. I considered this cheating because he did it behind my back and met her online. Fast forward two weeks ago, he called me at work stating he was driving to Virginia and he will be back on the weekend which was 4th of July weekend. Why would you tell me that while at work and not home that you are driving 9 hours to see your friend. I knew something was wrong then because the entire weekend he had his cell phone completely off. Finally he called me that Sunday and I used Sprint locator to locate him and he stated he was a hour away from him which was a lie. He was more like 15 minutes in the opposite direction. We talked and he stated we don’t have sex enough. Fine we can change and I’ll work on that. Well this week he’s been acting weird and asked him tonight what’s going on. Now he is saying that I’m not acting genuine with sex because I’m initiating it basically and having it more often when I was never a sexual person. You want me to change in order for the relationship to work, but now I’m not genuine enough. I am so depressed by this and definitely needs guidance with this. I have an appointment with a counselor next month but he doesn’t want to see one with or without me. What should I do? I am so tired of crying tears. I want this marriage to work.


Sorry you're here.

He cheated. Trickle-truthing is in full effect, and sexual blame-shifting seems to exist no as well.

Go 180 and drop divorce papers in his lap. If he cares about you, he will care enough to try and fix it. If he doesnt, you get to move on with your life instead of wasting it being miserable.

You only live once. While faith might offer alternate planes of consciousness, the only thing for sure is the sentience of life- DONT waste it. Make it known your life has value and you are ready to WALK if he isnt going to be part of that value.

Anything short of that will only prolong your agony. You cannot fix this if he doesnt FEEL or CARE. 

Good luck whatever you choose to do  /


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

brokenheartedgrl,

If you want to try to reconcile, then get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. I has a good plan of how to go about it and what to do if he does not give up his affair.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

OptimisticPessimist said:


> Sorry you're here.
> 
> He cheated. Trickle-truthing is in full effect, and sexual blame-shifting seems to exist no as well.
> 
> ...




This...


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## m0nk (Mar 14, 2014)

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I was in a similar situation with my ex husband. Gonna say something that could sound harsh--please don't make the mistake I did of being in love with the IDEA of marriage and being the only one loyal to your vows. It hurts. A LOT. But the sooner you can separate from that mentality the sooner healing can begin. You CANNOT make someone care and you cannot FORCE someone to feel. Best of luck...


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## brokenheartedgrl (Jul 2, 2014)

inquizitivemind said:


> Just to reassure you, your husband DEFINITELY cheated. There is no question about that at all. And WHY would he go away on a holiday weekend without you if it wasn't planned prior to the weekend? It sounds like your husband is being very disrespectful to you and your relationship as husband and wife.
> 
> *I asked him the same thing. We talked a little this weekend and he stated he was depressed and had to get away like walls closing in on him. I didn't know he was really depressed but he stated he is not making a lot of money like he was a few months ago. He did go in for an interview at the beginning of the month and still waiting back. They stated he can take a month to complete the hiring process.*
> 
> ...


Thank you so much


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## brokenheartedgrl (Jul 2, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> brokenheartedgrl,
> 
> If you want to try to reconcile, then get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. I has a good plan of how to go about it and what to do if he does not give up his affair.


Thank you! Just purchased on Amazon.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

"Talking online in chat and possibly texting which I can't track either. "

au contraire

click the newbie link in my signature and read the thread, 3rd post by me has excellent evidence gathering tips


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## brokenheartedgrl (Jul 2, 2014)

Almostrecovered said:


> "Talking online in chat and possibly texting which I can't track either. "
> 
> au contraire
> 
> click the newbie link in my signature and read the thread, 3rd post by me has excellent evidence gathering tips


WOW!! That entire thread is very helpful. Thanks again


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He isnt done with her, and he isnt sorry. I suggest you kick his ass to the curb.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

brokenheartedgrl said:


> Where do I begin. My husband of whom I known and been together off and on since college for 18 years.


What does on and off mean?
Were other people involved?


> We been married for almost nine years coming this Sept. Couple of years ago, my husband cheated on me although he doesn’t considered it cheating. Two years ago I surprised and purchased him a phone he desperately wanted for his birthday and she called while they were activating. Answered phone and stated she didn’t know he was married. Questioned her and she said they didn’t have any sex just met one time and talked on phone. I considered this cheating because he did it behind my back and met her online.


This is an emotional affair at least. Has he admitted that this was wrong and to 100% transparency? 


> Fast forward two weeks ago, he called me at work stating he was driving to Virginia and he will be back on the weekend which was 4th of July weekend. Why would you tell me that while at work and not home that you are driving 9 hours to see your friend. I knew something was wrong then because the entire weekend he had his cell phone completely off. Finally he called me that Sunday and I used Sprint locator to locate him and he stated he was a hour away from him which was a lie. He was more like 15 minutes in the opposite direction.


Seems like very suspicious behaviour. Does he know that this crosses a very massive line?

If I called my wife from work and said "see ya, I'm off for the next few days and you can't talk to me" she'd say "fine" and change the locks and get a lawyer.



> We talked and he stated we don’t have sex enough. Fine we can change and I’ll work on that.


Is this true or are you just willing to do everything for this guy and he's walking all over you? 



> Well this week he’s been acting weird and asked him tonight what’s going on. Now he is saying that I’m not acting genuine with sex because I’m initiating it basically and having it more often when I was never a sexual person. You want me to change in order for the relationship to work, but now I’m not genuine enough. I am so depressed by this and definitely needs guidance with this. I have an appointment with a counselor next month but he doesn’t want to see one with or without me. What should I do? I am so tired of crying tears. I want this marriage to work.


I don't know of a good link to a woman's 180, but if someone has it, go do that.

Because the path you're on is not good.


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