# We never go "all the way!" (advice needed)



## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

Whenever we make love (which isn't actually "making love" as we don't go "all the way!") we kiss, he might touch my boobs for a minute or two, then he touches me "down there" within about 5 minutes (sometimes less than that) and I masturbate him at the same time. Then he will do my favourite, about 15-20 mins of oral sex (on me) we climax (him manually) and that's it...:scratchhead:

Whilst it's satisfying, and we enjoy the closeness, and sometimes I might perform fellatio on him briefly, he rarely penetrates. I am rarely ready for him, and I rarely get wet unless I am REALLY REALLY REALLY turned on.... and that's is rare!!! VERY rare!! I'm not on the pill, he's not had a vasectomy (though I suggest it, he won't let anyone near him "with a knife!") it's a fumble to put on a condom, by then he seems to have lost interest (gone soft) so it's easier not to bother.

But one can't help feeling that one is missing out on a good "shag!!!"

Are we normal? Does everyone else have times when they do everything but...

We never got together because of sex. We just get along nicely and have similar interests. Managed to last 23 years married so something must be working.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I dont think it's "normal" and think it's strange if you haven't brought this up with him because it's obviously a major concern/issue you have.

What is the reason you don't actually do it?


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## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

Jellybeans said:


> I dont think it's "normal" and think it's strange if you haven't brought this up with him because it's obviously a major concern/issue you have.
> 
> What is the reason you don't actually do it?


I think the main reason is my dryness and it is usually uncomfortable. I had some great cream from my Doctor to help with this, but it makes my lubrication lumpy (like milk gone off) and that's revolting As I said above, the other reason is, I'm rarely aroused enough anyway. And when I am he's lost his hardness


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## Kathrynthegreat (Apr 23, 2012)

I think you guys need to stop using condoms, figure out a different birth control, and use a good lube.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Condoms suck and you need a new lube.

If that doesn't work he's making excuses and something else is going on.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Have you seen a sex therapist together? Checked your hormone levels? Tried lube?


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## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

Mavash. said:


> Condoms suck and you need a new lube.
> 
> If that doesn't work he's making excuses and something else is going on.


What do you mean "something else?" Like having an affair? 



Jellybeans said:


> Have you seen a sex therapist together? Checked your hormone levels? Tried lube?


Not seen a sex therapist. We seem to have just accepted this is normal for us. But it does make me think....

Not checked hormone levels. 

Lube.... see above


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Try a different lube


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

DameEdna said:


> What do you mean "something else?" Like having an affair?



his avoidance of intercourse could indicate a host of possibilities and yes an affair is one of them, but unless you have some red flags to go with it then I suspect medical problems

do know that while a man can orgasm with rigorous masturbation/hand jobs, he may still not be able to perform during intercourse

he may have delayed ejaculation, impotence or premature ejaculation problems that he wishes to avoid


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

Good question.

50% of the time, these days, me and my wife will finish with just oral. My wife taught herself control her reflex, so her deep oral feels almost like intercourse. If we 69, I can actually completely drop my hips on her face and move as if I am having intercourse (tmi). It feels awkward because there is no "closeness/intimacy" as I am looking at her crotch and legs, so it is kind of is like "masturbation". It feels great and most of my marriage I could not orgasm through oral, but this is a different story. I do not finish with handjobs, but the oral still feels like it lacks intimacy in the same sense. It isn't something we did the first 10 years of our marriage, as she hadn't learned to control her reflex, but when she hit 35 years old, something changed in her. She prefers this position and always wants it. She also orgasms easily while she gives oral because the tricks she learned turns her on more than anything else. I think she likes the idea of throating so much it just drives her crazy. I understand it I suppose, because if I look in the mirror while I am having sex, I will orgasm quicker. Her mental image of what she does turns her on in the same way I guess.

The other 50% of the time we will do normal intercourse or anal. I prefer intercourse because I like the intimacy of it. 

I'd say you are normal in that every couple finds their own routine. I read other peoples post and think, "man I wish my wife would do that....." If there was such thing as "normal" it would be boring as hell. I think people should try to make their love life beyond normal, because that is what makes it special. If you and your husband both enjoy your routine, then you have a great thing. Like you said, it must be working. 

There are ways to properly lubricate and there are other forms of lubrication. Spit, Platinum Wet, K-Gel, Astroglide (all completely different forms of lube). Gel is a gel, thick and slick (it can lump I suppose). Spit is spit. Astroglide is a thin water like lube that doesn't lump up. Wet Platinum is a film of some sort that doesn't really leave you wet but your body is just slick. I cannot explain it. Try the different types of lubes, as up until a few years ago, I thought they were all the same. We started analing more and realized that these lubes are 100% different in texture and quality. I thought it was just different brands. Nope.

Condoms suck, pull out and taste him. Or let him pull out and leave it in your other hole, which will give you a boost of energy and sex drive. The colon absorbs the hormones in semen like nothing else will and you cannot get pregnant.


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## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

Almostrecovered said:


> his avoidance of intercourse could indicate a host of possibilities and yes an affair is one of them, but unless you have some red flags to go with it then I suspect medical problems
> 
> do know that while a man can orgasm with rigorous masturbation/hand jobs, he may still not be able to perform during intercourse
> 
> he may have delayed ejaculation, impotence or premature ejaculation problems that he wishes to avoid


A lot of it is the discomfort I feel, he is afraid of hurting me. Sometimes I'm fine, then other times it's painful. And it all just seems a fumble, and to be honest, I don't gain anything from all that humping. Would never climax like it:scratchhead:

Everyone's replies have just confirmed what I already know, that I'm the exception not having a "proper" sex life.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Are you married to him? If not married I can certainly relate to this, especially if he grew up in a strict religious home... and even if you are married, perhaps its a carryover from his past relationships?

I know before marriage I felt a lot of shame from intercourse, was terrified of pregnancy, so fearful of using condoms, that it was just so much easier to not have penetration, just like you describe above.

And for the record, I don't think its healthy, it is sexual repression. I would find out what his fear is and tackle it head on: unwanted pregnancy - then find another birth control method, built in shame - idividual counselling, not married - decided of you want to marry each other...

If this is new behavior for him, it could be a red flag for some other issue, but if its always been like this I wouldn't worry about infidelity at all.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

DameEdna said:


> A lot of it is the discomfort I feel, he is afraid of hurting me.


What kind of man would just go ahead when you feel pain and you are not into 'all that humping'. Doesn't sound very sexy to me.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Lon said:


> Are you married to him? If not married I can certainly relate to this, especially if he grew up in a strict religious home... and even if you are married, perhaps its a carryover from his past relationships?
> 
> I know before marriage I felt a lot of shame from intercourse, was terrified of pregnancy, so fearful of using condoms, that it was just so much easier to not have penetration, just like you describe above.
> 
> ...


According to her other thread she's been married for 20 years. She also can't figure out why he spends so much time on Internet chat boards. Lol


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

KY

My wife also has a dryness issue at times and we've tried a few different lubes but always come back to KY


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

Aristotle: does your wife give workshops?


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## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

Lon said:


> Are you married to him? If not married I can certainly relate to this, especially if he grew up in a strict religious home... and even if you are married, perhaps its a carryover from his past relationships?
> 
> I know before marriage I felt a lot of shame from intercourse, was terrified of pregnancy, so fearful of using condoms, that it was just so much easier to not have penetration, just like you describe above.
> 
> ...


Yes been married 23 years (together longer) and before we got married we'd refrain from penetration for fear of an unwanted pregnancy. Then I went on the pill and we got married, and I seemed to remember we "went all the way" most of the time then And of course, we have two teenagers, so we HAD to

As I've mentioned previously. I think the main "fear" is that it hurts me and I suffer with dryness.

I was on the pill for about 4-5 years in total (not long) would this affect my sex drive? I could so live without sex these days!:scratchhead:


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

nader said:


> Aristotle: does your wife give workshops?


Hilarious. She does work at a university!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

We like a lube called Slippery Stuff, it's made by Wallace O'farrell -- you can get it on Good Vibrations, or they have a website.

Dame Edna, I don't think there's much percentage in trying to figure out whether you're "normal" or not -- whatever works for you and your relationship is your "normal". It just doesn't sound like you are happy with your situation.

Are you on any anti-depressants? That can really kill your libido.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

We tried KY for years and found that it didn't help over the duration of intercourse.

These days we use coconut oil primarily, but we found that silicone based lubricants also worked a lot better for us that KY.

Silicone based lubricants tend to stay where they are applied, water based lubricants like KY tend to get absorbed into the vagina (that's what our ST told us and it seems to be that way for us).

I'd recommend either, but we are rather pleased with coconut oil because it's natural and you can lick it w/o concern for ingesting anything harmful... i.e. it's a natural part of a food product that's actually good for you. 

Oh and coconut oil makes our bodies smell really nice tool.


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

DameEdna said:


> A lot of it is the discomfort I feel, he is afraid of hurting me. Sometimes I'm fine, then other times it's painful. And it all just seems a fumble, and to be honest, I don't gain anything from all that humping. Would never climax like it:scratchhead:
> 
> Everyone's replies have just confirmed what I already know, that I'm the exception not having a "proper" sex life.



'Normal' is whatever works for you and your husband, whatever leaves the both of you satisfied. But, obviously you are searching for answers, so someone is not completely happy.

Your comment about all the 'humping' makes me sad for you. I had sex for a long time, with other partners and then with my husband before I finally confessed that I really was not enjoying myself during penetration. Too dry, and not enough contact with the fun bits! 

For us, we worked out some new moves, and incorporated KY Silk-E lube and a cyber flicker for me or him to use on my clit during a penetration. Man alive I love that thing. It's a small bullet like toy, covered in soft cyber-skin material. Penetration is a lot more fun now that we can both have a good time. My husband has more fun now than ever before, since I am way enthusiastic, grip more during, and jump him for fun time 

The cream you got from your doctor, is there a chance it was not lube and actually a hormone cream intended to get your body to produce more of your own lubricant? Hormone creams never worked for me either. 

You and your husband are not alone, no one has a body that will always performs on command...the trick is researching the tools and tips that will get you the results you want!


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