# no trust...no chance of a viable marriage?



## pinklemonade5 (Nov 24, 2009)

hello,
i am brand new to forum. i have been married almost 23 years. my husband has been a workaholic just about all of them. he has travelled at times extensively, and has always been quiet, inconsiderate of the details of his life (where he's at, what time he will be home...)my husband is super career driven and has been pretty successful, but he has never seemed particularly "happy". he's an introvert, the strong silent type. we have five kids and i have been mostly a stay-at-home mom.
we moved a year ago, after my husband left a terrible job situation. still stressful with the economic changes but we bought a lovely home and love the area in which we live. 
this summer, my hubby left his yahoo account open on my computer(unheard of as he has a blackberry which NEVER leaves his side and a work computer). that sunday night, after his email being open all weekend, i looked and found a few correspondences with an college female classmate. the typical "tell me about your family" etc but also leading things like, "maybe you shouldn't tell your wife" "oh, i bet you are still attractive" "maybe we should get together sometime"(even though we live probably 10 hours apart). i waited over a week and had to blurt out that i had found the emails. my husband said "they meant nothing" and i have brought them up occasionally and he says he is sorry that he hurt me. i have said, "but you're not sorry that you were corresponding with another woman behind my back, just sorry i found out." my husband has done similar, though not exact things throughout our marriage-taking women(co-workers) out, traveling with women and not telling me, having a female co-worker over when i went out of town to see my best friend(our kids were there,but he intended to keep it from me)
i have generally been a more insecure/jealous person. my first love was a cheater-i followed him to college. he cheated. we eventually ended our relationship. 
my husband is a very closed person-i am warm and fuzzy with our kids, my friends, everyone. i am demonstrative, and although i am far from perfect, i try and express my love for the people in my life. my husband is generally not demonstrative and although we have a sense of humor together, i often/mostly feel very distant from him.
when i found these emails-about 8 over a two week period(my hubbys a very busy executive) so there weren't that many, i was crushed. we are not in any way "couple of the year" but i couldn't believe he was going outside of our marriage for friendship, or whatever you want to call it. 
i still feel like from this incident, and others throughout our marriage that i cannot trust this man-i don't really think he's a physical cheater, however, he at times seems fairly "attached" to female co-workers. oh, meg did this, meg did that. he says very little, mind you, as he's a quiet guy, AND he knows i am jealous. i can't shake that i really don't trust him at all with my feelings or with my heart.
we have been in therapy in the past, more than once. he is single-focused on his career, and although he's a decent dad and a good provider, my older 3 are fairly alienated from him and his indifference to them.
one day, i think, when the littlest begins school(she's four) i will get ready to walk, then on other days, i think, well, it will be ok.
the thing is: it's a VERY empty life for me. it's not that i really 'want" someone/something else, it's just that he and i are strangers more than not. 
i am a college grad and i have been active in volunteer work, working part-time at times, doing projects around the home, taking care of everything at home(household, finances, you name it). i work out more often than not(in a not cycle right now with a 4 and 5 year old, time doesn't allow it often) so i am not a troll, but i shake my head wondering if this is all there is..
one other thing, my hubby now ogles MUCh younger women, like women our daughter's age(21). he acts kind of flirty with waitresses, it's kind of embarrassing, cuz it's creepy. i'm a friendly, outgoing chatty person, he's not, so when he makes an effort, it is noticed. 
ok, i have spilled my guts. i have found this forum and it seems to be rather supportive(as opposed to judgemental). is there hope? or something i am missing? sometimes i think my hubby is in a depression-he's so lethargic and blah. he doesn't enjoy me, the kids, our home life. other times, he's ok...sorry about the novel. i guess i am looking for a reason to stay or to go. ps i've read countless relationship books-when they say "if you do this, he will do that" HAS NEVER WORKED. my hubby never does what the book says...
thank you for reading.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Ask him why he wants to stay married.

Tell him why you don't want to stay married.

It will give you both something to think about, or be dismissive of. If the latter is the case, and neither of you like, but are willing to change the status quo then you will simply remain stuck.


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## pinklemonade5 (Nov 24, 2009)

thanks for your input deejo....i will take that approach and see where it leads. he ALWAYS says, "i love you and the kids" and i believe he DOES love us, but it's not a typical relational thing where it's give and take. he only gives emotionally when he's ready/willing/able. that is why his correspondence with someone else astounded me.. thank you. another perspective is always appreciated!


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