# Over exaggerating?



## Tnicole93

Hi guys I’m new here. Been married four months now, no kids just us. My relationship with his parents is awkward, a On and Off kinda thing. Anyways I feel like our communication sucks! 

Long story short yesterday he got in from work and I greeted him at the door all happy to see him and he gave me this nonchalant vibe in return. It honestly hurt my feelings so I just sat in the living room and surfed the internet on my phone while he continued in the bedroom to pick up the phone to call his grandmother- he spoke with her for a brief 5minutes until he hung up with her to continue on to calling his mom and spoke with her for about 10 minutes. 

Yes I absolutely felt some kind of way about that because I greeted him in high hopes that it would kick off a nice conversation between us but instead it didn’t and he had the audacity to go call them before sparking up a convo with his wife....I made a comment to him saying “well when are you gonna come talk to your wife” and he got all mad saying “I was on my phone” basically using that as an excuse but the only reason I continued to use my phone is because the cold shoulder he gave me.. Please tell me I am not over exaggerating this??? How would you feel?


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## StillSearching

Tnicole93 said:


> Hi guys I’m new here. Been married four months now, no kids just us. My relationship with his parents is awkward, a On and Off kinda thing. Anyways I feel like our communication sucks!
> 
> Long story short yesterday he got in from work and I greeted him at the door all happy to see him and he gave me this nonchalant vibe in return. It honestly hurt my feelings so I just sat in the living room and surfed the internet on my phone while he continued in the bedroom to pick up the phone to call his grandmother- he spoke with her for a brief 5minutes until he hung up with her to continue on to calling his mom and spoke with her for about 10 minutes.
> 
> Yes I absolutely felt some kind of way about that because I greeted him in high hopes that it would kick off a nice conversation between us but instead it didn’t and he had the audacity to go call them before sparking up a convo with his wife....I made a comment to him saying “well when are you gonna come talk to your wife” and he got all mad saying “I was on my phone” basically using that as an excuse but the only reason I continued to use my phone is because the cold shoulder he gave me.. Please tell me I am not over exaggerating this??? How would you feel?


He is not a mind reader!
Of course you are over exaggerating the whole thing.
"the only reason I continued to use my phone is because the cold shoulder he gave me" Why would you play these games with him??
That a dead end road. 
I'd feel like I can talk to my mother or grandmother whenever I want to, Do you not live with him? 
Get over yourself......He's not a child.
4 months in and he gets this....wow.


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## -Molly-

I think this a red flag that early on you guys need to work on communication before it gets out of hand and causes lots of problems in the future! I think, he should have told you he was going to call...considering he was gone all day and just came home, I think that was rude to basically ignore you and go phone family right away. If he had a bad day, or was tired...he should have still greeted you nicely and and said how he was feeling, and that he just wants to call a couple people real quick. And you...you need to learn to speak up when something is bothering you, rather than go "surf the internet". Tell him how you felt hurt, that you missed him and were excited to see him, and that you felt he ignored you. It's really early in your marriage, so seriously, work on your communication!


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## personofinterest

Tnicole93 said:


> Hi guys I’m new here. Been married four months now, no kids just us. My relationship with his parents is awkward, a On and Off kinda thing. Anyways I feel like our communication sucks!
> 
> Long story short yesterday he got in from work and I greeted him at the door all happy to see him and he gave me this nonchalant vibe in return. It honestly hurt my feelings so I just sat in the living room and surfed the internet on my phone while he continued in the bedroom to pick up the phone to call his grandmother- he spoke with her for a brief 5minutes until he hung up with her to continue on to calling his mom and spoke with her for about 10 minutes.
> 
> Yes I absolutely felt some kind of way about that because I greeted him in high hopes that it would kick off a nice conversation between us but instead it didn’t and he had the audacity to go call them before sparking up a convo with his wife....I made a comment to him saying “well when are you gonna come talk to your wife” and he got all mad saying “I was on my phone” basically using that as an excuse but the only reason I continued to use my phone is because the cold shoulder he gave me.. Please tell me I am not over exaggerating this??? How would you feel?


Yes, you are being overly sensitive.


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## Tnicole93

I know he is not a mind reader! Never said he was. The point I was making is why ignore me like I’m not here and go call family before speaking with me? Yes we live in the same place!!! He could talk to whoever he pleases but the whole situation was disrespectful in my eyes!


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## wilson

It seems weird to me that he would call his grandmother and mother so soon after getting home. Is that something he normally does? My first thought was that there was some urgent reason he need to talk with them and that was on his mind as soon as he got home.


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## NobodySpecial

Tnicole93 said:


> I know he is not a mind reader! Never said he was. The point I was making is why ignore me like I’m not here and go call family before speaking with me? Yes we live in the same place!!! He could talk to whoever he pleases but the whole situation was disrespectful in my eyes!


I would advise you slow your anger roll and work the problem. I heartily agree that greeting at the end of the day or whenever you re-join each others' space. But it is entirely likely that it never occurred to him. Can you just talk to him about it rather than losing your noodle on him.


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## Prodigal

Does your husband often come home and act indifferent towards you? If not, maybe he had a bad day at work. Does he frequently call family members before sitting down with you?

It's rather hard to figure out with so little to go on. If this was a one-time thing, I'd say you are being oversensitive. If he has a habit of behaving this way, then I'd say you need to discuss it with him to find out why he's doing it.


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## Spicy

Tnicole93 said:


> I know he is not a mind reader! Never said he was. The point I was making is why ignore me like I’m not here and go call family before speaking with me? Yes we live in the same place!!! He could talk to whoever he pleases but the whole situation was disrespectful in my eyes!


Are you saying he didn’t speak to you at all when he walked in? If that was the case, it would make sense for you to ask your husband what was wrong, rather than to ignore him back.

If he spoke to you but was nonchalant, then perhaps he had a rough day. Simply ask him to communicate that to you if that happens again, because if he doesn’t it makes you overreact.


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## MattMatt

Or he was getting those calls out of the way as quickly as he could?


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## Laurentium

Tnicole93 said:


> Long story short yesterday he got in from work and I greeted him at the door all happy to see him and he gave me this nonchalant vibe in return. It honestly hurt my feelings so I just sat in the living room and surfed the internet


I am betting there is something else going on that needs talking about. You mentioned his parents. Perhaps that needs sorting out?

Beware of that "I felt hurt so I just withdrew" reaction.


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## Mr. Nail

#MeToo
I do exactly this all the time. I'll make an attempt to open a conversation. Get blown off, get ignored, get no reply. So I sit down and play a game . . .
She reads because I'm playing, I'm playing because she is reading. This is after 30 years. We at least have the excuse that we have already had all of the convos we need. 

Sometimes a thing that works is touching while talking. If you react to his vibe by touching his shoulder, or holding his hand, it can focus his attention on you.


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## personofinterest

Tnicole93 said:


> I know he is not a mind reader! Never said he was. The point I was making is why ignore me like I’m not here and go call family before speaking with me? Yes we live in the same place!!! He could talk to whoever he pleases but the whole situation was disrespectful in my eyes!


 Unless you want to be constantly miserable, you need to pick better hills to die on.


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## StillSearching

I know I got all up in your grill from the get go....but I did that to get your attention.
"But it is entirely likely that it never occurred to him"....This is exactly whats happening.
He's not reading your mind and understanding your intent.
He IS getting your passive aggressive cold shoulder.....not a good idea, BTW.


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## 3Xnocharm

Tnicole93 said:


> I know he is not a mind reader! Never said he was. The point I was making is why ignore me like I’m not here and go call family before speaking with me? Yes we live in the same place!!! He could talk to whoever he pleases but the whole situation was disrespectful in my eyes!


I agree with you. Why does he feel the need to call family right when he walks in the door instead of conversing with his spouse? Doesnt make sense. If he needs decompression time when he first gets home, that I understand, but calling your mom about your day isnt decompression time. You need to speak up about this now, or this is going to develop into a pattern in your marriage. I have been in marriage where I was ignored, and I have to tell you that it sucks, and is no way to live. So it is imperative that the two of you communicate your needs to each other.


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## x598

over exaggerating? about like using a sledge hammer to crack an egg.

your behavior is something I would expect from todays modern snowflake generation......betting you are under 25 years old.

so he went and made a phone call when he got home. so what! just maybe for one second in the outside world that doesn't revolve around you, he had something to attend to.

if you came here complaining every time he gets home you get dissed and he runs off to call mommy, that would be one thing. but that's not what we are talking about here.


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## Tnicole93

he gave me a cold “hey”. I responded “how you doing”? And once again another cold one word response. So I withdrew from that point. 

He continued to the room to call his grandmother, they laughed and had a good conversation. After that was over he called his mom and again laughed and had a good conversation with her as well so I don’t think it was a bad day that he had. 

His mom and I had problems in the past that I thought was resolved but unfortunately she’s very wishy washy so I never know which side of her I’m gonna get. 

The whole situation left me confused.


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## x598

Tnicole93 said:


> he gave me a cold “hey”. I responded “how you doing”? And once again another cold one word response. So I withdrew from that point.
> 
> He continued to the room to call his grandmother, they laughed and had a good conversation. After that was over he called his mom and again laughed and had a good conversation with her as well so I don’t think it was a bad day that he had.
> 
> His mom and I had problems in the past that I thought was resolved but unfortunately she’s very wishy washy so I never know which side of her I’m gonna get.
> 
> The whole situation left me confused.


the whole he did X, so I did Y thing is a relationship killer.

you have to understand that your REACTION is 100% within your control. 


not saying he was "right" for his behavior when he came home. but adding fuel to a fire is never a good thing.


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## Cat Lady

x598 said:


> the whole he did X, so I did Y thing is a relationship killer.
> 
> you have to understand that your REACTION is 100% within your control.
> 
> 
> not saying he was "right" for his behavior when he came home. but adding fuel to a fire is never a good thing.


I totally agree. It also makes a difference if this is a pattern or not.

If my hubby did that I would ask him calmly later on if he'd had a bad day and if there was anything I could do about it. If he continued to brush me off, I would approach him with it in a more serious manner.

I also find that getting angry about something when you don't even really know what the something is, never does anyone any good.


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## Prodigal

I can understand you being somewhat confused because he sounded fine when he called his grandmother/mother, but basically cut you off when you wanted to know what's wrong

It sounds to me like he's pissed about something you did. Since he's not letting you in on what the problem may be, I'd suggest you wait until he chills out, then ask if there's something you have done to make him react in such a cold manner.

All you can do is inquire in a non-confrontational way and then hope for the best. OTOH, if this is his way of "communicating" on a regular basis, I'd say you are in for a lot more of the same.


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## NobodySpecial

Tnicole93 said:


> he gave me a cold “hey”. I responded “how you doing”? And once again another cold one word response. So I withdrew from that point.
> 
> He continued to the room to call his grandmother, they laughed and had a good conversation. After that was over he called his mom and again laughed and had a good conversation with her as well so I don’t think it was a bad day that he had.
> 
> His mom and I had problems in the past that I thought was resolved but unfortunately she’s very wishy washy so I never know which side of her I’m gonna get.
> 
> The whole situation left me confused.


What is the ISSUE? What would you have changed if you could? It is unclear.


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## personofinterest

Tnicole93 said:


> he gave me a cold “hey”. I responded “how you doing”? And once again another cold one word response. So I withdrew from that point.
> 
> He continued to the room to call his grandmother, they laughed and had a good conversation. After that was over he called his mom and again laughed and had a good conversation with her as well so I don’t think it was a bad day that he had.
> 
> His mom and I had problems in the past that I thought was resolved but unfortunately she’s very wishy washy so I never know which side of her I’m gonna get.
> 
> The whole situation left me confused.


It's time to let it go

And grow up


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## OnTheFly

There's a meme that floats the interwebs. A man and woman are in bed, both staring at the ceiling. She's thinking, ''he's mad at me, what did I do, why is he ignoring me, he hates me, I think we should divorce, but I love him, I can't go on like this, it's torture......etc, etc.

The guy is thinking, ''I wonder why my motorcycle won't start, gas line issue, dead battery....hmmmm?

Just talk to each other like normal ****ing adults, for ****'s sake!

Also, it seems you have a problem with other females in his life and this little spat (entirely in your head) is a manifestation of jealousy and zero to do with being ''disrespected''.

I'm not a psychologist, but I play one on random forums, send cheque to Ontario, Canada, c/o OnTheFly, thx


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## Mr The Other

Tnicole93 said:


> Hi guys I’m new here. Been married four months now, no kids just us. My relationship with his parents is awkward, a On and Off kinda thing. Anyways I feel like our communication sucks!
> 
> Long story short yesterday he got in from work and I greeted him at the door all happy to see him and he gave me this nonchalant vibe in return. It honestly hurt my feelings so I just sat in the living room and surfed the internet on my phone while he continued in the bedroom to pick up the phone to call his grandmother- he spoke with her for a brief 5minutes until he hung up with her to continue on to calling his mom and spoke with her for about 10 minutes.
> 
> Yes I absolutely felt some kind of way about that because I greeted him in high hopes that it would kick off a nice conversation between us but instead it didn’t and he had the audacity to go call them before sparking up a convo with his wife....I made a comment to him saying “well when are you gonna come talk to your wife” and he got all mad saying “I was on my phone” basically using that as an excuse but the only reason I continued to use my phone is because the cold shoulder he gave me.. Please tell me I am not over exaggerating this??? How would you feel?





OnTheFly said:


> There's a meme that floats the interwebs. A man and woman are in bed, both staring at the ceiling. She's thinking, ''he's mad at me, what did I do, why is he ignoring me, he hates me, I think we should divorce, but I love him, I can't go on like this, it's torture......etc, etc.
> 
> The guy is thinking, ''I wonder why my motorcycle won't start, gas line issue, dead battery....hmmmm?
> 
> Just talk to each other like normal ****ing adults, for ****'s sake!
> 
> Also, it seems you have a problem with other females in his life and this little spat (entirely in your head) is a manifestation of jealousy and zero to do with being ''disrespected''.
> 
> I'm not a psychologist, but I play one on random forums, send cheque to Ontario, Canada, c/o OnTheFly, thx


Over exaggerating is a tautology. 

In itself it is a small thing.

There are two scenarios. 
1) He was looking forward to relaxing. He could not relax until he had done the things he has ot be high energy for. This was, work, commute home, talk to parents. After that he could collapse and spend close,low energy silent time with his wife.
This would seem to you like he has energy for everyone else and does not spend energy on you. If this scenario is right, you have to talk, because you will keep being offended by the low energy he seems to invest in you.

2) He thought, I really need to speak to my Mum. The wife does not matter, my Mum is more important. This is possible and what offended you. It is unlikely.


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## Mr The Other

-Molly- said:


> I think this a red flag that early on you guys need to work on communication before it gets out of hand and causes lots of problems in the future! I think, he should have told you he was going to call...considering he was gone all day and just came home, I think that was rude to basically ignore you and go phone family right away. If he had a bad day, or was tired...he should have still greeted you nicely and and said how he was feeling, and that he just wants to call a couple people real quick. And you...you need to learn to speak up when something is bothering you, rather than go "surf the internet". Tell him how you felt hurt, that you missed him and were excited to see him, and that you felt he ignored you. It's really early in your marriage, so seriously, work on your communication!


And, this is true.

Communication is difficult, male or female. It takes effort and people who think they are effortless good are the worst. It was rude, even if he did not mean to be.

But, speak to him.

People should learn to listen in free ways, what is are tehy saying verbally (with words), what emotion are they conveying, and what is their motive. The generalisation is men are good at the first, but not the latter two, whereas women are good at the latter two, but ignore the former. The latter two are essentially "mind reading", and are vital. The first one is what many men define as listening.


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## MaiChi

Tnicole93 said:


> Hi guys I’m new here. Been married four months now, no kids just us. My relationship with his parents is awkward, a On and Off kinda thing. Anyways I feel like our communication sucks!
> 
> Long story short yesterday he got in from work and I greeted him at the door all happy to see him and he gave me this nonchalant vibe in return. It honestly hurt my feelings so I just sat in the living room and surfed the internet on my phone while he continued in the bedroom to pick up the phone to call his grandmother- he spoke with her for a brief 5minutes until he hung up with her to continue on to calling his mom and spoke with her for about 10 minutes.
> 
> Yes I absolutely felt some kind of way about that because I greeted him in high hopes that it would kick off a nice conversation between us but instead it didn’t and he had the audacity to go call them before sparking up a convo with his wife....I made a comment to him saying “well when are you gonna come talk to your wife” and he got all mad saying “I was on my phone” basically using that as an excuse but the only reason I continued to use my phone is because the cold shoulder he gave me.. Please tell me I am not over exaggerating this??? How would you feel?


Speaking from a wife's point of view you may have started a poor game and far too soon into your marriage. Marriage is about two people who grew up in two totally different families, coming together and attempting to build their own family. It is not possible for all rules to be in place from the onset. You make rules together and you attempt to keep them together. You cannot argue about anything you have not discussed and agreed before. 

Going on your phone just because your husband did not respond the way you anticipated is not the thing to do in a young marriage. Ask yourself what that counter reaction adds to your marriage. You could have asked him if he was tired or if everything was OK at work. Or simply given him time to settle before starting a conversation. It cannot be right that you think talking to his gran and mum is like an intrusion on your marriage. Those are the relationships that he really needs to keep and you need to help him keep and to join in as a new member to his family just like he should be doing with your family members. 

The one thing I really hate is to hear my husband dissing his family members. If he can do that it means I can diss mine even more. In my humble opinion, you need strategies to build your marriage round the people your husband think are precious to him. Never try to separate him from them no matter what they do. Also do not allow him to separate you from yours. Changing your spouse is never ever a good thing. Accepting him is much better. 

You have up to fifty years or so together. It is best if you adopt each other's good values and enjoy life together. 

Is how I look at marriage after 15 years of it. I would marry him again and again if we could start again every after 15 years.


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## 3Xnocharm

MaiChi said:


> Going on your phone just because your husband did not respond the way you anticipated is not the thing to do in a young marriage. Ask yourself what that counter reaction adds to your marriage. You could have asked him if he was tired or if everything was OK at work. *Or simply given him time to settle before starting a conversation. It cannot be right that you think talking to his gran and mum is like an intrusion on your marriage. Those are the relationships that he really needs to keep and you need to help him keep *and to join in as a new member to his family just like he should be doing with your family members.


My issue with this is... you say she should give him time to settle before starting a conversation. Ok fine, but the issue is that he blew her off and went in the other room, made two phone calls, and had TWO very animated, involved phone calls with OTHER family instead of his wife. Do you really think that is fair or considerate of him? This sends her the message that she is not a priority. 




MaiChi said:


> The one thing I really hate is to hear my husband dissing his family members. If he can do that it means I can diss mine even more. In my humble opinion, y*ou need strategies to build your marriage round the people your husband think are precious to him. Never try to separate him from them no matter what they do.* Also do not allow him to separate you from yours. Changing your spouse is never ever a good thing. Accepting him is much better.


Um, NO. Just no. Sometimes, family members are toxic, and NEED to be either given boundaries, or cut out all together. I am not saying this applies to OP's situation, but for you to state this as an absolute is just not valid. If it isnt the case that the family is toxic, then yes, you should encourage and value those relationships. Family doesnt get a free pass just because they are blood, sorry.


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## married4real

You have every right to feel the way you do! He pretty much disrespected you! I was taught to always speak when you enter your home! And for your husband to pretty much blow you off like that he needs to learn how to be nice. And then for him to go straight to the phone to talk to his grandma and mother it shows he still has issues treating you like a wife because the very first thing a married couple does after work they speak hug and kiss and start settling in for the rest of the day together. He's a jerk! Let him know he hurt your feelings and work it out!


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## StillSearching

married4real said:


> You have every right to feel the way you do! He pretty much disrespected you! I was taught to always speak when you enter your home! And for your husband to pretty much blow you off like that *he needs to learn how to be nice*. And then for him to go straight to the phone to talk to his grandma and mother it shows he still has issues treating you like a wife because the very first thing a married couple does after work they speak hug and kiss and start settling in for the rest of the day together. He's a jerk! Let him know he hurt your feelings and work it out!


He's not a child tho.
Best results will happen if he's not treated as such.
"You have every right to feel the way you do!"..yes
"He pretty much disrespected you!"....that's a stretch.


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## personofinterest

married4real said:


> You have every right to feel the way you do! He pretty much disrespected you! I was taught to always speak when you enter your home! And for your husband to pretty much blow you off like that he needs to learn how to be nice. And then for him to go straight to the phone to talk to his grandma and mother it shows he still has issues treating you like a wife because the very first thing a married couple does after work they speak hug and kiss and start settling in for the rest of the day together. He's a jerk! Let him know he hurt your feelings and work it out!



UM.....no. I was taught the same manners, but she is blowing this WAAAAAAY out of proportion, regardless of how many of her friends sign up to say otherwise 


OP, again, if THIS is going to be one of your hills to die on, you are in for a pretty miserable life.


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## married4real

Alright! I respect everyone’s input on my comment but let’s not make her seem like the crazy one. You all need to look at it from her view. She clearly said she was happy already and once he dismissed her at the door it was downhill from there. So stop screaming out she is wrong because her feelings were hurt! I believe she needs to address it with her mate and they need to work it out and meet in the middle about communicating because like I said it was down right disrespectful for him to ignore her greeting period.


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## MattMatt

Prodigal said:


> I can understand you being somewhat confused because he sounded fine when he called his grandmother/mother, but basically cut you off when you wanted to know what's wrong
> 
> It sounds to me like he's pissed about something you did. Since he's not letting you in on what the problem may be, I'd suggest you wait until he chills out, then ask if there's something you have done to make him react in such a cold manner.
> 
> All you can do is inquire in a non-confrontational way and then hope for the best. OTOH, if this is his way of "communicating" on a regular basis, I'd say you are in for a lot more of the same.


But did he? Maybe she thought his "hey" was cold, but it wasn't really intended that way?

If a spouse reacts badly to a slight that never really happened, the other spouse will then react badly to that and then, yes, things DO go all to hell.


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## personofinterest

married4real said:


> Alright! I respect everyone’s input on my comment but let’s not make her seem like the crazy one. You all need to look at it from her view. She clearly said she was happy already and once he dismissed her at the door it was downhill from there. So stop screaming out she is wrong because her feelings were hurt! I believe she needs to address it with her mate and they need to work it out and meet in the middle about communicating because like I said it was down right disrespectful for him to ignore her greeting period.


He didn't ignore her greeting, he was just grunty and distracted.

Like I said, even if her BFF joins just to boost her cause, she's still immature and overly sensitive and needs to let it go. As do you.

It's like talking to middle schoolers.


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## Adelais

Don't ignore "vibes" and then nitpick afterwards.

If you sense something is going on with him, you need to address it immediately, "Hey, honey. Is everything OK? I sense something from you." Give him a chance to tell you if something is wrong.

Do the two of you play the cold shoulder game often? It needs to stop, and you both need to begin using your words. And you need to stop expecting him to mind read.


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## MattMatt

"What IS wrong with you?""

Or

What is wrong with YOU?"

Same words... but Boy! Is the meaning different!


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## married4real

personofinterest said:


> He didn't ignore her greeting, he was just grunty and distracted.
> 
> Like I said, even if her BFF joins just to boost her cause, she's still immature and overly sensitive and needs to let it go. As do you.
> 
> It's like talking to middle schoolers.


Thanks for the comment. Have a nice day.


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