# 3 years in - same problems return. Considering divorce



## 1977hc (Mar 21, 2013)

I never thought I would be seeking feedback about my marriage online, but it's come to a point where I simply don't know what to do. Allow me to give a little background.

My wife and I met three years ago. We're both in our mid 30s and after dating over a year we got married. We come from very different backgrounds in terms of how our parents raised us. I knew this going into the marriage and we discussed it, but she assured me she would change. What I'm referring to is her spending habit and her lack of realizing how hard it is to make money.

My parents were hard on my brother and I. They worked 10-12 hours a day running a restaurant and we worked right along with them. We spent every weekend working, never too vacations, and never received gifts (Christmas, birthday, etc). It was a "in life you work hard" type of growing up. My wife's parents raised their kids the exact opposite. They would go shopping every week, buy new clothes, toys etc. 

I left my parent's house at 18 for college and have been supporting myself ever since. My wife was still living with her parents when we started dating. I was 33 and she was 34.

After being together I realized she spent a lot of money. She had a full time job making 45k a year but had zero savings. I wondered how she could not have thousands saved up since she didn't have a mortgage payment, utility bills, etc. Her parents paid for everything. When we moved in together we discussed how she couldn't just spend all her money every week and needed to think about saving up for kids and the future. Month and after month we could argue because she would want to buy a $1000 tote bag or a $4000 purse, etc. One night she realized I wouldn't marry her if I knew she was going to continue being like this. We talked and she promised me she would change.

Fast forward two years and things are better, but we still have problems. I could write on for pages, but bottom line is she isn't happy not being able to spend money on things she wants. Just last night she told me she wanted to buy a $2000 purse and a $5000 watch. We have a baby coming, our first, in September and I'm working in overdrive trying to make sure we have enough money to support a new baby. I get infuriated when she talks about buying these overpriced items that we don't need, especially when we have a baby on the way.

While we are not poor we are far from rich enough to be purchasing these high priced items. The problem is when she was living with her parents she bought these things all the time. Now, even after we discussed her having to stop this behavior she's not okay with it. I feel as if she is just dealing with the changes but she hasn't accepted them and moved on. For instance I was a fireman for nine years making 60k and I loved my job. When we got married I left for a job making 2x the money so I could support our family. While I miss the fire department greatly, I've come to terms with it.

Last night we had an argument because she decided to cash one of her pay checks for cash instead of depositing it into the bank. What I didn't care for was that she didn't even speak to me about it. I have income coming in from three sources and it all goes to our joint bank account - all of it. I rubs me the wrong way when I see that she's trying to keep a stash of cash for herself when I'm not allowed to do the same. Everything I make is going towards the family, house, baby, etc...and it's frustrating seeing my wife be selfish (in my eyes).

We have argued and discussed money issues before. It's a constant problem and it's almost to the point where it's a regular issue that comes up every several months.

After last night's argument I was so upset I left the house at 1am and checked into a hotel. I came back this morning at 7:45am and my wife says to me "I didn't know it would make you that upset" with a half smirk on her face. I didn't say anything to her and just brushed me teeth and left the house for work.

In the three years we've been together I have thought about leaving her for a number of reasons. Mainly because I don't feel we are on the same playing field. When I look at her I often times see the personality of a teenager, someone who just doesn't get it when it comes to real life (working, money, bills, errands, chores, etc).

The more we argue about the same issues the more I want to leave. And, we have a baby coming in a few months...I'm so lost.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Have you told her you have been thinking about leaving over these issues? If you haven't you should. Just lay it all out. 

She sounds like she just doesn't understand. She's irresponsible and immature and feels restricted by you, not unlike another parent. Not a partner.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You and she were obviously brought up very differently. She was a pampered little princess up to the point she married you and she's reluctant to change that.

As you've figured out, money issues are a hot button issue when two people are as far apart as the two of you are.

Have you introduced a budget spreadsheet? You could also have a weekly or monthly meeting to review where things stand.

But don't expect her to just happily go along with the idea. There's going to be a lot of hard work for both of you to do.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

IMHO, the only way spenders & savers can ever agree on money is to create a family budget & both have to stick to it. The budget must include "mad money" so that the spender doesn't feel deprived. The saver can then "save" his/her mad money should they choose.

If she doesn't agree to creating a budget and/or if she agrees but doesn't stick to it, you both will have lifelong problems in this area.

Before ending your marriage, wait until the baby is born. Your wife may curb her spending habits because the baby may fill whatever need she has to spend all of her money on ridiculous purchases.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

The urge to purchase all of these things are normally a clue about what is going on inside her head. She needs to seek a professional to discuss this with, but it's clear to me that she feels like there is a void in her life that she is trying to fill with things. Maybe her parents showed their love for her by showering her with gifts, but she never received love from them on a more personal level. 

You state that you have money coming in from 3 different sources. Do you have more than one job or a side business? Do you and your wife spend a lot of time together? Has there been a sudden change in your life above and beyond the baby coming into your life? I know the hormones from being pregnant can do weird things to a woman, so did she have a sudden change in behavior when she became pregnant?


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## 1977hc (Mar 21, 2013)

Thank you all for the quick responses. 

OpenMinded: At one point I did tell her I wasn't sure where our relationship was going because I was beginning to fall out of love wit her. After a long talk at 3am we cleared the air. But, of course the same issues keep coming up.

Emerald: I have tried several times to sit down with her showing her our income and expenses on paper. She understands it but I don't think she realizes how important it is. For instance if our bank account goes under a certain amount an email gets sent everyday until it's above that amount. She will get this email for a week straight and not care. She realizes that buying these expensive items is ridiculous, but she still wants them and that's my concern. I was okay with leaving a job I loved for the betterment of my family. But, she's not okay with changing her spending habits for the betterment of the family.

And, it's funny you mentioned the baby. I have expressed these concerns (not to the extent here) to my mother (who likes my wife VERY much). And my mother said the same thing...that my wife would change once the baby comes. I question is...how do you KNOW she will change? There are MANY horrible mothers out there, just because you can have a baby doesn't mean you're automatically a good mom. I'm still concerned about her not changing her ways even after the baby is born.


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## 1977hc (Mar 21, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> The urge to purchase all of these things are normally a clue about what is going on inside her head. She needs to seek a professional to discuss this with, but it's clear to me that she feels like there is a void in her life that she is trying to fill with things. Maybe her parents showed their love for her by showering her with gifts, but she never received love from them on a more personal level.
> 
> You state that you have money coming in from 3 different sources. Do you have more than one job or a side business? Do you and your wife spend a lot of time together? Has there been a sudden change in your life above and beyond the baby coming into your life? I know the hormones from being pregnant can do weird things to a woman, so did she have a sudden change in behavior when she became pregnant?


I have three incomes but they don't take up more than 40-50 hours a week at most. One is my office job in real estate investment. Another is a store I opened which I spend 4-5 hours a week at (it's self managed). Lastly, I have rental income. On a normal weekday I'm out the door at 9am and back home by 6pm. We're together on almost all weekends.

With the pregnancy I realize women go through a lot, and so far I have tried to be as accommodating as possible (food, chores, errands, etc). My concern here is these issues were present before we were expecting. And, it seems nothing has truly changed in terms of the way she thinks. While I understand many people (women in particular) enjoy shopping, you don't go looking to buy a $1000 tote bag, $5000 watch and $2000 purse unless you can actually afford it!!! If our annual income was $500k and we were putting in a good amount into the savings, I wouldn't care as much.

For me it seems she wants to live outside our means, whereas I'm perfectly happy living within our means and working our way up.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you thought about finding some financial counseling? Maybe hearing it from someone else will help? Or they might have ideas that will enable a compromise. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 1977hc (Mar 21, 2013)

PBear said:


> Have you thought about finding some financial counseling? Maybe hearing it from someone else will help? Or they might have ideas that will enable a compromise.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I told her a year ago I wanted us to see a marriage councilor because I didn't think we could get on the same page without help. She didn't feel it was needed and wanted to "go with the flow". I haven't thought about scheduling a meeting with a financial adviser. That may help.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Before ending your marriage, wait until the baby is born. Your wife may curb her spending habits because the baby may fill whatever need she has to spend all of her money on ridiculous purchases.


:iagree: 

I was thinking this exact same thing after I read your post and as I scrolled down to read the responses you already received I saw this and said, "Yup, there it is!". 

I don't think her spending habits will do a 180 after your child is born (congrats, btw!) but it should definitely give her a new outlook on what is important. And who knows, maybe she is just getting in what she can now knowing that once the baby comes she'll need to cut back. 

But beware of credit card usage! It very well may be that she has a shopping addiction. There is an adrenaline rush that is associated to buying new things..... especially expensive things. If there are no cash reserves she may dip into buying things on credit. That's a whole other kind of crazy! 

Just keep an eye on her activity. She has gotten into the pattern of believing it's easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission. Next time she walks in the door with a new handbag or pair of shoes, ask her to walk out and return it. It's time to put your foot down. The last thing you want to do is put her on an allowance.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

OP, I have to be in disagreement with the others, but I think her spending could increase A LOT after the baby is born. I think she will start buying expensive items for the baby, after all, that is the way she was raises.

You could try dividing the bank accounts and bills. Make her responsible for say the utilities. If they don't get paid, they get turned off.

I am with you, would never pay so much for such a non-priority item. Unfortunatly, I don't think she is going to change. As you said, she was raised this way, was 34 and still living at home and off her parents. You are going to have to decide how far you are willing to go with this, set your limits, let her know and then stick to it.

As the other poster said, beware of credit cards, you could already be in more debt than you imagined.


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## 1977hc (Mar 21, 2013)

IrishGirlVA said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I was thinking this exact same thing after I read your post and as I scrolled down to read the responses you already received I saw this and said, "Yup, there it is!".
> 
> ...


Thanks for your response. Shortly after we got married I suggested we merge all our bank accounts into one, so everything was transparent. She hesitated a little but agreed. We now have one checking account and one savings account. There's enough money in the checking account for all our bills, food, gas, and then some.

She still goes to the mall off and on and I don't mind at all. In fact sometimes I tell her to go there. When she comes home with a few things I don't say anything nor do I care. What I do care about is coming home with a $5000 watch that she will wear maybe twice a year - if that. Before meeting her she bought 10-15 very expensive designer bags ($1000-$6000 range per bag). They're all in our closet. Since meeting her she's only used one or two of them maybe once or twice. To me that's insane. I don't care if you buy something expensive if you use it (for instance a luxury car). 

I just don't know if this way of thinking will ever change now that she's 37. I always believed after a while people are who they are.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> What I do care about is coming home with a $5000 watch that she will wear maybe twice a year - if that. Before meeting her she bought 10-15 very expensive designer bags ($1000-$6000 range per bag).


Maybe it's just talk? I mean if she hasn't actually spent that kind of $ since being married, maybe she's just thinking out loud.. like a 'wouldn't it be nice if' type of way?

Your job when she talks this way is to say to her, no babe, we can't afford that. Daydreaming about something isn't the same as doing it. Maybe that's what it's become to her now?


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## 1977hc (Mar 21, 2013)

JustHer said:


> OP, I have to be in disagreement with the others, but I think her spending could increase A LOT after the baby is born. I think she will start buying expensive items for the baby, after all, that is the way she was raises.
> 
> You could try dividing the bank accounts and bills. Make her responsible for say the utilities. If they don't get paid, they get turned off.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your response. Yes, I've thought about what would happen if she started buying tons of clothes for the baby. She loves designer stuff and it's somewhat pointless (to a degree) to purchase expensive baby clothes because they're not in them for too long.

In regards to her credit cards. When I sold my townhouse I paid off all her credit cards ($1,200) and her car payment ($10,000). Several months ago I told her she was in charge of paying all the bills. Thing is as long as my income is going into the bank there will always be enough for the bills. I made sure of that. During last night's argument she told me she only has one credit card (excluding bank card). Of course she wasn't counting department store cards like Macys, Nodstroms, etc. I don't know what her balances are on those cards...a part of me thinks she cashed her last check to pay off these cards. And since the money doesn't go into the bank account I don't see it going out...


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## 1977hc (Mar 21, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> Maybe it's just talk? I mean if she hasn't actually spent that kind of $ since being married, maybe she's just thinking out loud.. like a 'wouldn't it be nice if' type of way?
> 
> Your job when she talks this way is to say to her, no babe, we can't afford that. Daydreaming about something isn't the same as doing it. Maybe that's what it's become to her now?


Unfortunately, it's not "wouldn't it be nice..." it's more "I'm looking to buy a $5,000 Chanel watch in a few months - FYI". Last night she said "I'm buying a $2,000 purse". 

When we first got married she was still spending a lot, basically her entire paycheck every other week. She would go to the mall every weekend and come back with 4-6 new shirts, etc. Her side of the closet could be a store. She hasn't bought any expensive bags, etc after our many talks because I would notice. I'm very observant, something she sometimes does not like. 

I wish she was just "dreaming" about these things, but she's not. The amount of money sitting on top of our closet in bags is....crazy. It could easily pay for one year's tuition for an out of state private college.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

1977hc said:


> Unfortunately, it's not "wouldn't it be nice..." it's more "I'm looking to buy a $5,000 Chanel watch in a few months - FYI". Last night she said "I'm buying a $2,000 purse".
> 
> When we first got married she was still spending a lot, basically her entire paycheck every other week. She would go to the mall every weekend and come back with 4-6 new shirts, etc. Her side of the closet could be a store. She hasn't bought any expensive bags, etc after our many talks because I would notice. I'm very observant, something she sometimes does not like.
> 
> I wish she was just "dreaming" about these things, but she's not. The amount of money sitting on top of our closet in bags is....crazy. It could easily pay for one year's tuition for an out of state private college.




Sorry to hear that. Could she be putting her $ on baby stuff now? Nursery items etc?

All this boils down to IMO is respect. That and some need to feel important. She's not Kim Kardashian but sounds like she wants to be.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

You could always have a detailed credit check done on both of you. 

Stop putting all your money into the checking account, make her have to put hers in there to help with the bills and put some of yours in savings, (or under the matress)


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## 1977hc (Mar 21, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> Sorry to hear that. Could she be putting her $ on baby stuff now? Nursery items etc?
> 
> All this boils down to IMO is respect. That and some need to feel important. She's not Kim Kardashian but sounds like she wants to be.


She and her sister have always been into "designer" items. And, in all honestly I partly blame her sister for the way she's acting. My sister-in-law married a surgeon and in their marriage the deal is whatever money she makes is hers to spend. He makes more than enough to cover everything. So, she has a part time job that gives her the spending money.

When my wife sees this I know she gets jealous. In fact last night I asked her (while arguing) if she wanted her sister's life. She replied "Well, I'm not going to get that with you". That's when I got dressed, went downstairs, got into my car and left the house.

I should point out we live in a $900,000 home in a very nice community. We're not living in a dump trying to "just make it". But, at the same time I don't see us having enough expendable income to be purchasing thousand dollar items when we have a baby on the way. We already agreed we were getting her a new car in a few months because she's driving a small car now. 

Also, when the baby arrives she's not going back to work. This means we lose her income and her health insurance. I've already planned out how to increase my income to compensate.

I guess I posted here to see if anyone else has these type of experience in their marriage.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You're taking the wrong approach. You want to talk to your wife and have her appreciate your point of view. That won't work.

Your wife is behaving as a child. So you have to treat her like a child. Take her money away from her. Change from a joint account to two, individual accounts. Put both of your paychecks into your account.

Here is the important part, Put a monthly stipend into her account. And treat this money as unimportant. On your monthly budget, label it "hookers & blow." If she wants to spend her money on eating out, or save it up and buy a $5k purse, you don't care. It's her money. It's money that won't impact your family.

And follow up. Run credit checks on her. If she's racking up credit card debt that she can't pay off with her monthly stipend, step in and handle it. Otherwise, leave her alone.

Good luck.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

1977hc said:


> She and her sister have always been into "designer" items. And, in all honestly I partly blame her sister for the way she's acting. My sister-in-law married a surgeon and in their marriage the deal is whatever money she makes is hers to spend. He makes more than enough to cover everything. So, she has a part time job that gives her the spending money.
> 
> When my wife sees this I know she gets jealous. In fact last night I asked her (while arguing) if she wanted her sister's life. She replied "Well, I'm not going to get that with you". That's when I got dressed, went downstairs, got into my car and left the house.
> 
> ...


her not going back to work is a good thing. Granted it reduces your income but now you are the sole source of the money.

I'd set up a household expense account in your name. All bills get paid out of that. She can get a certain amount each week for food plus another certain amount to spend as she sees fit (on herself if she wants).

Key here is that you must also put limits on credit cards. You don't want her going from cash to credit to get her "fix".

If these don't work, it's either counseling or you have to move on.

One other point...

You said you came from a much different background. I think you may have to lighten up a bit and that's why I suggested above making sure she does have some spending money. My father came from a similar background as yours. He's extremely tight with money, so much so that my mother had to sneak out and buy a dryer only after her 5th child was born. There's being cautious with money and there's being crazy about it.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Well,I don,t think she will change.She has lived so long at home
and she has to want to change.I have a wife like this and this went on for 20 yrs.She has finally come around now,but
if it wasn't for the children I would have divorced her.

If your always being the one like I am,who is always making sure
bills are met and payed it tales its toll on you.Even now my wifes
over 50yrs of age I still am holding everything financially together,
but if I died tomorrow i'm afraid she might lose it all.

I still think back and get upset of all the $50,000 over the years of credit card debt she hid from me.My wife hid bills before 
I seen them.Just warning you it can start of slow and get way 
worse and before you know it your close to being flat broke and
debt up to the ceiling.

Good Luck


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

1977hc said:


> Since you are the fiscally responsible one, and soon to be the only income earner I strongly encourage you to rethink this:
> Several months ago I told her she was in charge of paying all the bills. Thing is as long as my income is going into the bank there will always be enough for the bills. I made sure of that.
> Not if she's dropping $2,000 on a new purse without your knowledge. You know she is fiscally irresponsible, why would you give her keys to the vault?
> 
> ...


 For your long term financial security, I would suggest that you consider having your income deposited into a separate account (in your name only) - that your wife does not have access to. Then each month you transfer money to the joint account to cover household expenses, and an agreed upon amount for her discretionary spending. Otherwise, you may one day find your home is being foreclosed on while your wife is happily buying expensive "things" to fulfill her emotional needs. Sadly, it happens more than you would think. 

Financially your wife is a seven year old child, would you give a seven year old your credit cards? Protect yourself and your future family from her unrealistic fiscal behaviors.


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## 1977hc (Mar 21, 2013)

Thank you all for the responses. There's several replies regarding separate bank accounts. When we first got married we had separate accounts, just when we were dating. But, we paid all the major bills from my account and the small ones from hers. What I started to realize was she never had money left over even though she would have at least $2k left over after paying bills. I mean, when you have a surplus after bills and needs...there's suppose to be extra money left over that accumulate over time. It wasn't happening.

With that I came up with the idea of merging everything so we could be "one family", sort of "all in". I was hoping this way she could see how expensive life was when all the bills came rolling in each month. After a few months I think she did see how expensive it was, but she also saw how little money was left to buy those expensive items...thus the reason she decided to cash her pay checks recently.

I asked her how she would feel if I started cashing my pay checks and not telling her and she didn't respond. I've thought about creating a separate account for her "spending", but I keep going back to why she would need one? I don't have a special account that I can use to buy whatever I please, I have to focus on the mortgage, stocks, bills, investments, savings, etc. When I do buy things it just comes out of the bank account. Why can't she do the same???

I don't know how I would feel coming home each month knowing that my wife gets a spending piggy bank and I don't. And, what would be a fair amount? Is $500 a month enough? Or even $1000? I mean with $1000 a month I could buy a new MacBook every 30 days...that's crazy. Even spending $500 a month on non-essential items is very expensive. That's over $100 a week on non-essential items.

The worse thing is I know she wants to live like her sister does, and she knows that will never happen with us. And, we've talked about it several times before. I fear there is no ending to her attitude towards money unless she experiences supporting herself with no help.


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## 1977hc (Mar 21, 2013)

Aunt Ava said:


> For your long term financial security, I would suggest that you consider having your income deposited into a separate account (in your name only) - that your wife does not have access to. Then each month you transfer money to the joint account to cover household expenses, and an agreed upon amount for her discretionary spending. Otherwise, you may one day find your home is being foreclosed on while your wife is happily buying expensive "things" to fulfill her emotional needs. Sadly, it happens more than you would think.
> 
> Financially your wife is a seven year old child, would you give a seven year old your credit cards? Protect yourself and your future family from her unrealistic fiscal behaviors.


I thought about creating a separate account with just my name, but then I thought it would be the same as her creating a separate account. I don't want to create a sense of distrust, even though it's there. Besides, with the majority of my income paying for everything...I wouldn't be feasible. 

In regards to her credit cards I would love to toss them out. But, I know she'll just get more and getting rid of her credit cards would simply enrage her even more.

God, the more I think about it the less hope I feel. Worse part is we were trying to have a baby for 16 months and it finally happened in December. Now we're expecting and I'm dealing with this crap - again.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

You need to be honest with her. If you're that worried about her habits running you two (soon to be three) into financial ruin, she needs to be told as much. Tell her why you're worried. Tell her when she talks about spending as much as $5000 on a watch it makes you physically ill. You're not a surgeon and you shouldn't apologize for it. You work very hard and provide a nice living for her. If she wants her sisters life then she married the wrong guy. You need to tell he how serious this is, and if things don't change you're not going to go into bankruptcy with her. No way.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Separate accounts that aren't HIDDEN aren't a source of distrust. Do you have a CFA? Perhaps meeting with one together (in light of baby on the way) and deciding on a financial plan. Agree on X into retirement account, and an equal amount into two personal accounts and a joint account. That way you can let yours build up if you want and/or splurge on the things you want (sports car, new golf clubs, boat?) and she can have some freedom with some discretionary income.

I think what you two do not want is to have this turn into distrust, a feeling of resentment or become a parent/child relationship.

The only way I see this happening is you both having a certain amount of freedom with money. If she still wants the $5000 watch she might have to save up for it, but she can still HAVE it. 

Other options would be taking a money management class or attending counseling to see why she places such a high value on status symbols.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

1977hc said:


> With that I came up with the idea of merging everything so we could be "one family", sort of "all in".


That's obviously a bad plan. What you've done is made yourself as strong as your weakest link. Successful relationships minimize their weaknesses and maximize their strengths. You've done the opposite.

Tell me, when your child is 16 and wants her own car, will you buy her a beater so that, when she wrecks it, it's not a big deal? Or will you buy her a $70k BMW and then complain about how irresponsible she is when she wrecks it? If you're smart, you'll buy her a beater. If you're smart, you won't expect a teenager to be a good driver. Ditto with your wife. You know she's going to wreck her check book, but you're giving her access to all your money and just crossing your fingers. Bad plan.



> I've thought about creating a separate account for her "spending", but I keep going back to why she would need one? I don't have a special account that I can use to buy whatever I please, I have to focus on the mortgage, stocks, bills, investments, savings, etc. When I do buy things it just comes out of the bank account. Why can't she do the same???


Because she just can't!!! You might as well b!tch about why she can't pee standing up. It's just not happening. Why go on and on about it? You seem to be continually expecting your wife to do something that she just can't. Work with her and work within her limitations.



> I don't know how I would feel coming home each month knowing that my wife gets a spending piggy bank and I don't.


So, did you get married expecting a husband and wife to somehow merge personalities and brains? Because it doesn't happen that way. The way your wife is before the wedding is pretty much the way she is after the wedding. The only difference is that she has a ring on her finger and a different last name. You seem to be really upset that she hasn't adopted your world view. That's unreasonable.



> And, what would be a fair amount? Is $500 a month enough? Or even $1000? I mean with $1000 a month I could buy a new MacBook every 30 days...that's crazy. Even spending $500 a month on non-essential items is very expensive. That's over $100 a week on non-essential items.


If you're living in a $900k house, then you can afford to blow $100/week on non-essential items.

As for what is fair, you have to decide that. But be honest. Don't tell your wife that she has $50/month to waste when you've been getting along with her wasting $1k/month. Sit down with your financial advisor and figure out what you need, what you want, and what you can afford to waste. Come up with a realistic budget for hookers & blow.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

1977hc said:


> I thought about creating a separate account with just my name, but then I thought it would be the same as her creating a separate account. I don't want to create a sense of distrust, even though it's there.


You wouldn't be creating a sense of distrust. You would be creating a sense of trust. Your wife would be able to trust you to handle the household money. As it is, she can't trust you to do that. You just hand the money to her and then complain when she spends it.

Since you're about to be a parent, I'll relate it to that. You are the parent and your wife is the child. Children say that they don't want discipline. But they really do. They need it. They actually depend on it. They resent parents who are too weak to discipline them. So stop being weak and start disciplining your wife.



> In regards to her credit cards I would love to toss them out. But, I know she'll just get more and getting rid of her credit cards would simply enrage her even more.


Don't worry about her being angry. She's going to be angry. She will probably pitch a fit. So what? You're going to be the adult here.

But I do agree that tossing out her credit cards would cause her to get new ones. That's why you should just monitor her credit. If she runs up balances, or gets new cards, then you should step in and take charge. Otherwise, leave her alone to spend her allowance how she sees fit.

Good luck.


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## 1977hc (Mar 21, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Separate accounts that aren't HIDDEN aren't a source of distrust. Do you have a CFA? Perhaps meeting with one together (in light of baby on the way) and deciding on a financial plan. Agree on X into retirement account, and an equal amount into two personal accounts and a joint account. That way you can let yours build up if you want and/or splurge on the things you want (sports car, new golf clubs, boat?) and she can have some freedom with some discretionary income.
> 
> I think what you two do not want is to have this turn into distrust, a feeling of resentment or become a parent/child relationship.
> 
> ...


The odd thing about the whole $5000 watch is she told me she was saving up for it several months ago and I did not have a problem with it at all. In fact for her birthday and Valentines day she told me not to get her anything (I got her cake and flowers of course) because she wanted to get the nice watch.

I never had an issue with it and don't have a problem with spending money on nice items once in a while. But, it went from a $5000 watch to a $2000 purse as well? She's already getting a new car in a few months and we're losing her income.

I just don't know how I can deal with this again. We've argued over money so much I'm sick of it. I mean for God's sake I left the house at 1am and checked into a hotel for the night... I don't even know if I want to stay home tonight either.

In regards to counseling...she does not think she has a problem. She thinks all girls like to shop and are like that...


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## 1977hc (Mar 21, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> You wouldn't be creating a sense of distrust. You would be creating a sense of trust. *Your wife would be able to trust you to handle the household money. As it is, she can't trust you to do that.* You just hand the money to her and then complain when she spends it.
> 
> Since you're about to be a parent, I'll relate it to that. You are the parent and your wife is the child. Children say that they don't want discipline. But they really do. They need it. They actually depend on it. They resent parents who are too weak to discipline them. So stop being weak and start disciplining your wife.
> 
> ...


Actually, it's the exact opposite. For the longest time I took care of all the bills and taxes for us. I even planned our wedding. The only reason she is in charge of the bills is so she can learn and see how expensive life is. I think you may want to reread the posts in this thread...


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

1977hc said:


> Actually, it's the exact opposite. For the longest time I took care of all the bills and taxes for us. I even planned our wedding. The only reason she is in charge of the bills is so she can learn and see how expensive life is. I think you may want to reread the posts in this thread...


So even knowing the household expenses/budget she still wants a $5,000 watch a $2,000 purse and a new car. Why would a stay at home mom need these things? She doesn't, like a seven year old she waaaaannnnts them. You are fighting against 30+ years of conditioning where she could spend frivolously.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

1977hc said:


> Actually, it's the exact opposite. For the longest time I took care of all the bills and taxes for us. I even planned our wedding. The only reason she is in charge of the bills is so she can learn and see how expensive life is. I think you may want to reread the posts in this thread...


You misunderstood me. I didn't mean that you're not financially responsible. You obviously are. And your wife knows that. Except for the part where you allow your wife to squander the family income.

Look, this thread reminds me of a parent allowing a child to eat cookies for dinner and then complaining about how the child chose to eat cookies for dinner. What did you expect? You don't put a child in charge of the dinner menu to teach them about good nutrition. It won't work. Children, left to their own choices, will choose to eat crap. It's our job as adults to protect them from themselves.

So, you put her in charge of bills so that she can see how expensive life is and mend her evil ways from being a free spender into a spendthrift. How's that working out for ya?

It seems to me that you have some options.
1. Take charge of your household. Treat your wife like she's asking to be treated (i.e., a child). Give your wife a small allowance to spend however she likes.
2. Divorce your wife. See your child on alternate weekends and see if you can find a woman who shares your economic attitude.
3. Accept your wife's attitude. Work really hard to make enough money to satisfy her tastes. Learn to be happy driving a beater so that your wife can drive a BMW.
4. Change nothing. Keep arguing with your wife and asking her to change. Maybe she will. Maybe she will get so tired of you whining that she will do a complete 180. I wouldn't bet on it, but maybe you're due for a miracle.

Those are the only options I see. I recommend #1. You seem to be waffling between #2 and #4.

Good luck.


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