# Some advice please



## SomeGuy2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

Just need some advice please

My wife seems to want to seperate. She has recently said she has found somewhere else to live for her and our children. She has been talking about divorce for a while. I say seems, as now I am being asked for my input. I say I want to share parental responsibility, and that maybe we need to use a mediator to get things right, otherwise I fear I will get railroaded. I also feel lke I am being manipulated - my wife says she is distraught, even though she is driving this forward. I mean someone is serious and has made up their mind if they actively find somewhere else to live? Does she want to work on things? I feel like I can't carry on.

Let me add some context. Our relationship over the years has been up and down. My wife can get very angry and likes to insult and criticise me - call me useless, say she wishes she'd never married me, call me a terrible father...and worse. She has constantly accused me of looking at other women, and being interested in women af work - there is no denial of this and there us no let up until I give in'. Leaving me feeling terrible. It's hard to just be outside together - I feel like I have to look for threats, this of course just leads to more problems.

I'm not perfect but I have tried. I can be stubborn, non-communicative and very clumsy with my words and actions. I've always wanted to provide care, support and happiness to my wife. I haven't always succeaded. I feel like I have given this my best, but can't see a solution. It's hard to hang on when I know the insults are coming, when I'm not sure what will trigger an angry response. Or I'm just so anxious, that I am numb and unable to communicate. A lot of my hope has gone, and I realize I have lived in hope rather than accept the situation.

I guess, perhaps foolishly, want us to navigate our way through this. What I want is to be amicable and move on...


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## johndoe12299 (Jul 12, 2021)

SomeGuy2021 said:


> Let me add some context. Our relationship over the years has been up and down. My wife can get very angry and likes to insult and criticise me - call me useless, say she wishes she'd never married me, call me a terrible father...and worse. She has constantly accused me of looking at other women, and being interested in women af work - there is no denial of this and there us no let up until I give in'. Leaving me feeling terrible. It's hard to just be outside together - I feel like I have to look for threats, this of course just leads to more problems.


Sounds like your wife doesn't like or respect you. Why would you care if she wants to get back together or not? File for divorce and move on. Shouldn't be a problem getting 50/50 custody unless you have other problems we don't know about


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Listen man: your wife is a mile ahead of you in a 100 meters race. She's been most likely getting all her ducks in a row, and seeing your passive reactions to her demands she thinks that she can railroad you because you most likely will be weak and submit. You need to be at a solicitor's door yesterday to find out legally what your rights are and where you stand. Go on what are you waiting for?
She's done, been done with the marriage and wants out. Find out who the other man is to see what kind of a man will she be exposing your children to. This is a must, because there is and has been another man/men for a while. it doesn't matter if you don't want to believe it.
Be proactive not reactive; otherwise prepare yourself to be taken to the cleaners.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

You are plan B, she is proceeding with Plan A. 99.9% chance there is another man.

Her accusations against you possibly cheating is her projecting fears that you are doing what is already doing.

Focus on yourself and your kids and push the divorce forward.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I’d suggest you got get some immediate counseling, go on marriage retreats, just pull out all the stops to try and save it first.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

CatholicDad said:


> I’d suggest you got get some immediate counseling, go on marriage retreats, just pull out all the stops to try and save it first.


That would be a nice dream to sleep on, but sorry to burst your bubble, we are talking about reality here.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Reality is that his kids will suffer from the divorce too. Her cheating is purely speculation at this point... we shouldn’t assume the worst.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Hopium in these situations will keep you in limbo. Deal with reality. Let her go fully and save yourself. Marriage takes two people. Wake up!!!!


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

i think this relationship is over that she has been using you as a back up plan while she is getting her life in order , you are just a handy door mat , she has lost all respect for you and is getting out , it would be a wast of time and money to try and win her back , she is all ready out the door , best for you to move on


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

SomeGuy2021 said:


> I guess, perhaps foolishly, want us to navigate our way through this. What I want is to be amicable and move on...


First you have to pick a path: reconciliation or divorce. You can try the 1st if she's on board but then move to the 2nd if it doesn't work. 

Sit her down. Calmly ask her what she wants. Ask about what her ideal marriage looks like & if she has any idea about how to achieve that. Really listen to her. If she says concrete things that can be changed, give it a shot. However if she's mean or dismissive saying something along the lines of her ideal marriage means being married to somebody who is not you, reconciliation is hopeless. 

Getting a mediator & trying for something amicable is an admirable goal. It's probably best for the kids. Even if she takes the low road, screams cries & carries on, you be calm. Since you are concerned about being taken advantage of & your wife has been planning this for a while, you would be well advised to consult an attorney. Divorce is not a DIY thing.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

It doesn't sound like your wife even likes you, let alone loves or respects you. I think you need to accept that the marriage is over. Like someone else mentioned your wife is miles ahead of you and has been planning divorce for some time, time for you to catch up and get your ducks in a row or she will bulldoze right over you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Sounds to me like she is doing you a favor by leaving. My suggestion is to let her go. Then do work on yourself to figure out why you allowed your wife to walk all over you and treat you like crap, so you don’t make that same mistake in the future. I’m sorry you’re going through this. 


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