# Affair ended but I don't know how I feel, please help!



## confooosed (Aug 2, 2011)

I have had the "perfect" marriage for 7 years, he is amazing, an amazing father, friend but someone else came into my life, someone I had an instant connection with, he made me realise that actually things weren't so good in my marriage, I was actually quite neglected, we had become over the past few years the best of friends and not actually a couple anymore. The other person gave me something I had never had, we get on so well, he is attentive and I feel understands me. He is very different to my husband but, for the sake of my children and our marriage I told him and ended the affair, I cried more about ending the affair than telling him, this is all still very raw, ie just a few days old. My husband wants to make it work but on reflection I wonder if it is possible, I cant get the other person out of my head and I feel numb, I dont know what I feel anymore, part of me feels that I want the other person because I had to let him go, I dont believe in regrets but I cant help but feel I am or have made one already, I want my marriage to work but I dont know whether its what I really want or whether its because I am complaicent and am afraid of change. I would be grateful to hear any help or advice x


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Hi. 
It is normal to feel this way at the end of an affair. I hate to say this but you could have cut and pasted your feelings for the affair partner out of a book. 
It is very hard to give up this person but the feelings you are feeling right now will subside. You will wonder what the hell you were thinking as soon as the endorphin's clear from your body. 
Whatever you do. Do Not make contact with the Other Man. This will back to square one.

You are doing the right thing. Let this guy go. 

Think about the consequences of you continuing this affair.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Affairs are very similar to addictions and what you're experiencing is withdrawal from your "drug" (the OM - other man). Your only chance to save your marriage is to avoid contact with the OM forever. And remember that you may not be the only married woman that the OM might be seeing - he doesn't owe you an oath of loyalty like your husband does.

I recommend that you do some research regarding the odds of success of long term relationships or marriages that started as affairs. Once the honeymoon phase wears off, those relationships are subject to the realities of life, something that the fantasy fueled affairs don't have to deal with - like kids, mortgage, bills, jobs, etc. - which cause couples to neglect their relationships. Spouses become nothing more than roommates and glorified babysitters. One spouse may become more vulnerable to an affair than the other when an opportunity to have one presents itself like it did with you.

Lastly, willingly allow yourself to become an open book to your husband. You cannot grasp the emotional magnitude of marital betrayal unless you've experienced yourself. It can take between 2-5 years for a betrayed spouse to recover from the emotional roller coaster caused by your affair. 

It is said that only 35% of marriages survive an affair, so you and husband have to be comitted to do some hard work to rebuild the marriage. So get yourselves a good MC (marriage counselor) to help you two beat the odds.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

confooosed said:


> I have had the "perfect" marriage for 7 years, he is amazing, an amazing father, friend


So you admit you had a great marriage and then:



confooosed said:


> but someone else came into my life, someone I had an instant connection with, he made me realise that actually things weren't so good in my marriage, I was actually quite neglected,


Did you pursue the OM or did he pursue you? *Now you are re-writing the marital history in your head to justify the affair, after having admitted that you had a great marriage.* Was this an EA or did this progress to a PA? Did you use protection? Is your OM married?



confooosed said:


> we had become over the past few years the best of friends and not actually a couple anymore. The other person gave me something I had never had, we get on so well, he is attentive and I feel understands me. He is very different to my husband but, for the sake of my children and our marriage I told him and ended the affair, I cried more about ending the affair than telling him, this is all still very raw, ie just a few days old. My husband wants to make it work but on reflection I wonder if it is possible, I cant get the other person out of my head and I feel numb, I dont know what I feel anymore, part of me feels that I want the other person because I had to let him go, I dont believe in regrets but I cant help but feel I am or have made one already, I want my marriage to work but I dont know whether its what I really want or whether its because I am complaicent and am afraid of change. I would be grateful to hear any help or advice x


To all the Betrayed Spouses out there reading this: This is a perfect example of being in the FOG. 

To confooosed, only 4 things:

1. *NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT* with your OM forever and ever. Write a NC letter in front of your husband and send it to your OM.

2. *Full Disclosure*. Write out a timeline to your betrayed husband. Stating when you met OM, dates and times you met and had sex and if you used protection. Do not get defensive if he asks questions about the affair.

3. *Full Transparency*. You hand over any and all passwords to all accounts, secret or otherwise. Be accountable for your whereabouts. This helps rebuild trust over time.

4. *Marriage counseling if he asks for it*. 

You MIGHT be able to get a shot at reconciliation. It's up to your betrayed husband.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

An affair and affair partner will always seem "better" than your marriage. Because in the fantasy of the affair, there are no money issues, no household chores, no children to raise. It's purely sex and ego stroking. The odds are stacked way against your husband if you walk around life with the expectation that you can just sit passively without working on your marriage and expect it to equal the high of the affair. 

Focus on the fact that your affair partner is actually a slimeball and any male who is inclined to be slimeball can take advantage of the fact that married women can be seduced by a man who does not have the marital baggage (finances, kids, chores, stress). Focus on the immense betrayal you did of your husband and the immense betrayal you did of your child. 

Then, work work work on your marriage and your family.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

" but someone else came into my life, someone I had an instant connection with, he made me realise that actually things weren't so good in my marriage, I was actually quite neglected, we had become over the past few years the best of friends and not actually a couple anymore. The other person gave me something I had never had, we get on so well, he is attentive and I feel understands me. " 

I can't believe women still fall for all these guys bullsh!t. All he wants is what you've got in your pants. Haven't you asked yourself what kind of man/woman would even consider destroying a family just so they can put another notch on their belt.
None of the cheating women I've known has ended up with more than massive bills a cheap apt and a broken spirit while the man she cheated with goes from affair to affair.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Focus on the immense betrayal you did of your husband and the immense betrayal you did of your child.


And on the inmense betrayal she did to herself as well.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

He seems better because he's different. But really, if you had to live with him...build a life with him...see him everyday with no restrictions...it would turn into the same humdrum connectionless crap you've already got. 

I'm starting to wonder if maybe married couples should take a sabbatical and be regular roommates every few months...just date. share the kids as though they live apart...husband has court his wife again like he used to do...wife actually has to make an effort at being engaging and enthusiastic about being out with him. 

Like someone else said, you're going through withdraw.

Of course, if your needs were fulfilled by your husband this other man wouldn't have been able to step between the two of you at all...so obviously the two of you have lots to work on. 

Your feelings for OM will fade once you refocus on your real life. Husband is real. OM is not. 

OM will likely lose his fascination for you the very minute he's allowed to have you full time. Sad and mean...but likely true.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Affairs can occur even in good marriages, all that is needed is the gradual crossing of marital boundaries until one day it happens. What starts out like a seemingly innocent friendship devolves into a marriage and family destroying relationship.

Try to remember if the OM used ego flattering words like "if I was your husband..." or "if you were my wife..." If he did, then his goal was to seduce you. He used you for one thing only, sex. If he truly loved you he would not had seduced you, he would had ended all contact with you. No man who really cares for a woman would put her in such a heartbreaking situation. Open your eyes and see him for what he truly is, a selfish user.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> I'm starting to wonder if maybe married couples should take a sabbatical and be regular roommates every few months...just date. share the kids as though they live apart...husband has court his wife again like he used to do...wife actually has to make an effort at being engaging and enthusiastic about being out with him.


*** Off topic . . . a German politician floated an idea that marriage licenses should have to be renewed every 7 years. Maybe she was onto something. Back to topic ****


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

jayde said:


> *** Off topic . . . a German politician floated an idea that marriage licenses should have to be renewed every 7 years. Maybe she was onto something. Back to topic ****


I fully agree with that. I also think applying for a marriage license should be more difficult than just going to the courthouse and paying for one. 
There should be a test or something...same goes for becoming a parent


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> I fully agree with that. I also think applying for a marriage license should be more difficult than just going to the courthouse and paying for one.
> There should be a test or something...same goes for becoming a parent


Imagine a Marriage test, Parent test and a test before you're allowed to vote (to see if you can actually think). Oh, what the world would be like!!?!?!?

I'm sure I'll draw some ire about the voting test, but oh well!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Confoosed - it's going to hurt - for quite a while. Sorry but that's the truth. Between the loss of your OM, the death of your affair, dealing with what you did to your H and family, dealing with what you did to yourself, sorting out how you REALLY feel about the OM, and trying to figure out why you did what you did you are in for a very long and difficult road - I've walked it myself. The thing is, and this what waywards don't see until it's way past too late, you're in for a boat load of pain no matter what course you choose. If you stay in your marriage and work on it you'll have everything I described above. If you leave, well then you have the pain of divorce, crushing your husband even more, destroying your children's home, and the very real likely hood that your relationship with your OM will disintegrate and you'll be left alone, tortured, and a shadow of your former self. This is the price of cheating.

You've gotten good advice so far. The good news is that marriages can survive and even be better than they were before. I did the things you've been told to do and without doing those things and the support of my wife I would never have been able to end my affair - it's hard to do, very hard. 

You're post sounds very similar to my story. I thought I was the most happily married person in the world, but I still fell into an EA. I realized WE weren't happily married, but rather contentedly married. WE both missed the spark, flirt, attention and intimacy that a new relationship brings. WE used MY EA to learn to communicate with each other and bring those things back to our marriage. 

The pain is the price you have to pay for cheating. Pay it, and refocus on your husband and family. Give him whatever he needs to trust you again and communicate with him.

Best of Luck.


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