# How to handle husband always forgetting special events?



## Aussieflower

Hi all,

Advice please. How should I handle the following situation?  My husband has forgotten to get me a gift for our wedding anniversary for the third year in a row. He has forgotten nearly every valentine's day, anniversary, Christmas, and birthday for the last three years.

We have been married 17 years and at the beginning he did get me gifts. Sincerely, it is not the present itself. We have a joint bank account, so I could simply go out and buy something if that was the case. It's the lack of thought and effort that upsets me. I don't believe it's that hard to remember someone's birthday and buy a card and a small token of affection such as the ever popular flowers, chocolates, or perfume.

It is not just me he forgets. I was recently embrassed because he forgot to send his mother a card or gift, or even call her, for her birthday.

My husband is a nice guy. Kind, hard working (perhaps too hard), has friends and interests. But what can I do or say to make it clear that I have very hurt feelings. I've told him that I am upset.  But I've told him that each time for the last three years. My best friend say I am too easy on him and I need to rant, rave and nag. She says that if her hubby forgot a special day she'd hit the roof. This isn't my style as I'm very easy going. I just say my piece and let it go.

What do you think?


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## justean

it actually sounds like he just doesnt think and forgets. wrapped up in other things - like you say busy. but its called a diary. 
what about other things, like when you dress up, does he compliment you or treat you at other times. does he tell you he loves you, there the things that could make a difference here on your issue.
me personally , i know a colleague in work, been married 25 yrs to a very selfish man, she has never got one ounce of n e thing of him and on her 50 th again nothing. no prezzie, card , party, no meal.
that would dreadfully hurt me. 
if you met her , she sounds like you , to easy going. 
now me on the other end i would do what your friend said, but i do that n e way. 
thing is if you dont try and speak up, it wil only hurt you more and he wil keep forgetting. 
not treating someone within a relationship, who has been with you through thick and thin, i see it as lack of respect to forget all the time, the one of is that, usually a one of. 
again i'd be your friend - i'd hit the roof.


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## draconis

Don't nag, Sit him down and explain to him what you want and think you deserve. Ask him if after a long day you forgot to cook a meal or forgot just his laundry how would he feel?

Nothing beats communication, but you have to do it in a way he can understand that he takes those things that are important for you for granted.

draconis


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## Chopblock

In these cases, I always wonder WHY someone forgets. Is it because he just doesn't care to look it up? Or is it that he is so swamped with other things, that there is just no room in his brain for anything else.

I know I HATE when people with loads of free time lecture me about forgetting something. I always reply with "if you had to do HALF the things I do, you wouldn't remember this stuff either".

If he is in to gadgets, I say buy him an iPhone (or some mobile device) that is programmed with all the birthdays and special events. Tell him that you are frustrated that he never remembers these things, and that it would make you very happy if he remembered, and that you are willing to try an experiment -- that he can have this neat toy, but he absolutely now has NO EXCUSE to forget. Tell him that this gesture counts as you telling him 1) that it is IMPORTANT he send cards, and 2) there is now NO REASON that he can "forget" since the device will remind him.

Otherwise, I'm afraid you are probably going to have to go to a more punishment type of enforcement. Understand though that if you do that, he will only be doing the gesture to avoid the punishment, not because he believes its important. Sadly I know that for some men, that is as good as it gets.

Sit him down with a calendar, and have all the important dates circled. The calender should be displayed prominently, and the important days have big red markings. If he does not demonstrate ANY effort whatsoever, you can lay into him with the "obviously you don't care about this" routine.

Then, be frigid. Don't speak to him, don't help with chores, don't give him sex (maybe even tease him a bit). Go out at night and leave him home alone, until he earns back your good graces. A few times of this, and he'll always make sure to remember.


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## Honey

draconis said:


> Don't nag, Sit him down and explain to him what you want and think you deserve. Ask him if after a long day you forgot to cook a meal or forgot just his laundry how would he feel?
> 
> Nothing beats communication, but you have to do it in a way he can understand that he takes those things that are important for you for granted.
> 
> draconis


Yeah, :iagree:, say what if I forget or stop giving you sex, how would you feel? 

Cleaning,cooking, and laundry are what some guys just think a woman should do for him. It may not cut the ice with him. When a man wants sex (horny as hell), he will do just about anything for it, so this might click better with him. Sex and sports is what most guys are into, and can understand more than showing their wife love, honor, and respect and giving her a gift on special days. Yeap.. some men can remmeber what time and day a game is on, and the score of games. Also, say it has been so many days since I got some (tell ya how many days), and say that's not right, but I can't seem to remember the day I married you and your b- day.. duh.. :scratchhead:


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## carmaenforcer

I'm a guy in his late 30's and I have a horrible memory for dates. Have had this issue for a long time, possibly forever, I don't know I can't remember.

Just earlier today I had my Wife's eye Doctor on one phone and she was asking me my Wife's birth day and I said the 5th and my Wife corrects me politely, "it's the 7th Sweetheart"...
I always feel bad when I forget but it's not like I do it on purpose, I really think I have some sort of brain damage or something that affects that specific part of my memory for dates, I have been in a few accidents I am a sport biker after all. Then I hear other guys have the same issue but have never had a head injury so then I think it could just be a guy thing.

Doesn't testosterone affect the brain and memory, I might have read that somewhere but I forget.


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## Honey

It's called







, dude. The older you get, the worse it will get. As long as you don't forget your wife's name or call her the wrong name, or lose your way home, you will be ok. 
I go to the top of my stairs at my home and I have to ask myself.. now what did I come up here for? :scratchhead:
Oh, yeah..sex. :rofl:


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## justean

[QUOTEmyself.. now what did I come up here for? :scratchhead:
Oh, yeah..sex. :rofl:[/QUOTE]

more like you forgot the hairbrush for baldmen


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## Chopblock

OP: have you ever forgotten something that was important to him? How did he react?

Also, we'd like to hear what kind of other stuff you do for each other. It was asked earlier whether he shows you love in other ways. Yes, some people are BAAAAAD with dates and always will be. It doesn't mean they don't care.

Is it possible he is doing things that YOU aren't noticing?


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## mchris65

Aussie I could have written your post word for word. We've been married 17 years and I don't get anything special for occasions (unless I remind him) and definitely *nothing* spontaneous (flowers, card, jewelry). He was raised to think saving money is the most important thing combined with special occasions aren't that big of a deal...he literally *doesn't know* when his parents' birthdays or anniversary are.

It hurts mostly when he tells me he's getting a bonus at work and I say let's do something fun and suddenly he's not sure he's getting the bonus.  He's not evil, he has issues that I try to remind myself have nothing to do with how much he cares for me. So is it a money issue for your husband? Or was he raised in a similar way? My family of course is the complete opposite, celebrating anything. I've just him to just relax once and awhile (he's always "on" looking for stuff to do and complaining if it's not done). I've learned to live without thoughtful special occasion gifts but when I ask to have some fun money to spend together (you know, like to have FUN?) he just can't do it, and puts up quite a struggle, suddenly we have no money, we're poor (seriously we have a beautiful house, ONE child). I'm a SAHM and that's his excuse now, but PLEASE when I had a job and we had no child he was the same. He's been in therapy and we both have over the years, but I'm not sure how much it's helped. I think I wouldn't mind if he just could show a little generosity, break through whatever fear he has for my sake. I do appreciate that he's great at saving money (I wasn't when we met), but it carries over into every decision we make. We don't really go out to eat, or vacation. Ok I can live with that. It's when he holds onto this so-called bonus he's getting now "for retirement". GMAFB! Everything is always for the future! What about now? UGH thank you for listening and I'm sorry I hijacked your thread, I should put this in another one.


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