# New here and confused



## kim23 (Jul 25, 2010)

I have been with my husband for 9 years, married for 2. We broke up after 4 years for 1 year, when he started making me less of a priority, so I left. We hardly have sex anymore maybe once every 3 months. I cant get him to do a thing of "man-like duties" around the house. Example for the past 6 months the outlet I use to charge my cell phone everynight has become loose and the cord falls out of the outlet and I wake up to a dead cell phone, also the under cabnet lighting he installed (That he NEEDED) and been falling for over 3 years, I asked him to fix these things and he will either refuse, tell me I should figure out how to do myself because he is not my personal handiman, or tells me I better hire an electrician (HE IS AN ELECTRICIAN!!!..WE HAVE THE PARTS IN THE GARAGE!!) He is never romantic I will ask him what he loves about me, because honestly after 9 years i dont know why. He tells me he loves my unconditional love for him...which is a nice way to say I put up with his crap.

Well here is my problem. I work with this guy about once a month, for about 2 years now. We BS in the smoke pit with a bunch of other people and talk about family and grips...He for the past 2 years has become more and more upset with his wife and somewhere I became his confidant, which was fine with me, because thats the kind of person I am if your my friend, I will be there for you, and I think he felt safer with me since co-worker knows my husband (as an aquantience, not friends). Well co-worker is now in the rocess of a divorce/seperation. I had always thought of him to be a stand up guy and wished my husband would treat me the way he treated his wife. He is attractive, and smart, traditional values, and I secretly has a teeny crush on him

recently after work we all went out for some drinks and co-worker may have had a few too many, and confided in me that if we were single he would like to be with me.

After that night we would flirt secretly and that grew into e-mails, mostly to be a sounding board for eachother, then the compliments started coming, from both directions...I havent gotten a compliment from my husband in at LEAST 7 years. How wonderful Iam and beautiful, smart, and sparkling smile...

We met up for drinks and ended up sharing a kiss. It was the best kiss I ever had. He makes me feel important, cared for, safe, and he makes me laugh all the time.

So now I dont know what to do...I dont want to hurt my co-worker because I am not on the same level of detachment from my marriage, but I cant stop thinking about him, and want to pursue more. And even though he tells me he would wait for me because he would not be ready right away for a serious relationship

But I have been with my husband for so long, he is like my best friend, and obviously I dont want to hurt him either.

I would end everything with the co-worker if my husband would treat me the way he does. Trust me I have tried to communicate my wants and needs from talking, to drawing pictures, to renting movies that would explain how I feel and almost seems like he refuses to to it out of spite.

I am just so confused...


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## kim23 (Jul 25, 2010)

And I know very well that the playful flirting and e-mails have turned into and EA...but i have been so deprived of emotion for so long its like water to me...and I cant stop drinking


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Kim23:

Here is an approach:

Tell you husband that you think you have *become emotionally *involved with someone else. It will be tough and he may be upset and angry and will want the detail, give it to him, do not be fearful, state that you will be writing a no contact letter to the co-worker. Do this show your husband that *you are serious *and let him read it before you mail it. You will need to change jobs - breaking the EA is going to be tough. 

If you do not, *your own well-being is going to be at stake*, the co-worker does NOT care about you, he is using you for his own distraction as you are him. If this does not stop now you will be in a world of pain EA’s destroy the souls of those involved and take years to mend. 

Please do not think you can let this pass, and get butterfly’s and do nothing and carry on with the EA. Research will show you that EA’s will just cause hurt, in the EA you have the high sometimes for many years and then the bottom drops out. And then there is regret and pain as you have never felt before and may result in a marriage being destroyed and you loosing the man who really loves but has just not worked on recognising your needs. . 

The fact that you tell you husband you are in EA allows you to firstly break it up, bring it into the open, and once this is over rebuild your marriage. 

Go to marriagebuilders.com with your husband, there are tools there to work through that will help your husband change as will you and make things better. 

Steps are *stopping the affair *first then rebuild the marriage. 

This now gives you the opportunity to get your husband to understand that both of you need to change to save your marriage

Please do keep posting, do not ignore the advice it is for real and there are a lot of people victims and those who have had affairs on the site that will provide you with input.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Remember 

you cannot save the marrige by having the affair

stop the affair to save the marriage

Following the steps I suggested will put a shot accross your husbands bow and he should respond and work to save your marriage

When you are ready post again, there is a lots of advice to get your husband to start treating you decently and as an equal partner, I just read your post on the "Anniversary dinner in the food court ".

Found the link 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

First of all, any decision to end your marriage or save your marriage needs to be independent of any other people in your life. Don't base it on how some other guy treats you. Any guy will treat you great in the beginning...he wants to be with you, so of course, he's not going to treat you like crap. So, you need to look at your marriage, and only your marriage, to decide if it's where you want to be or not. Keeping in mind that if you end it, you will need to time to get over that, that you will have to go through the dating process again, and that you might not marry again. Or you might find a real prince who treats you like a princess and live happily ever after. No promises on either one. 

Second of all, given the way your husband treats you, you need to put this other guy's treatment of you in perspective. He may not really be treating you all that great; it just seems so because it's what you're not getting from your husband. It's like a dog that's been beaten and starved by its master. When it runs away, and its new master chains it up in the backyard and only feeds it every 2-3 days, the new master is still abusing it, but the dog doesn't think so because it's better than the old master.

Lastly, the other thing to keep in mind is that this guy is getting divorced. Regardless of how unhappy he was with his wife, there is still a huge amount of emotional turmoil there. And you are not too happy with your husband, which means you have some of your own emotional turmoil going on. Any feelings that either of you might think you feel for each other right now could very well disappear once the emotions begin to settle down. Once he's dealt with his divorce, and all the emotions that go with it, he could very well realize that he likes you as a friend, but has no romantic interest in you at all; he just clung to you and transferred his feelings to you because you were there. Same goes for you. If your husband begins treating you better, or you decide to divorce him and it's all over, you could do the same thing. 

I do think you should cut off the contact with this other guy. As to what to tell your husband, I do pretty much agree with Wisp. I'm not entirely sure on the phrasing, because I think telling him it's an emotional affair, using the word "affair" could predispose him to get angry and not hear anything else. But you should tell him.


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## pochael (Apr 12, 2010)

First, I must define lust. Lust is the desire for things forbidden. Now there is also more to lust, which is following your heart. Now, I know you always hear follow your heart. But, that is a misconception. Your heart is the most deceitful thing in this world. It lives for the moment and never brings true happiness. So, Break it off with the co-worker now before it causes more problems.

Then you need to talk to your husband about meeting your needs as a wife. Let him know that you are concerned about losing your marriage with his lack of "Unconditional Love" in return.


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## kim23 (Jul 25, 2010)

It is impossible for me to quit my job. I am the breadwinner, and its a career, with a very small career field.

But here's a question, How will I know if I even want to save my marriage?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Again, that's something you need to figure out, independent of anything else. You need to look at your marriage, at what you get from it and what you give to it. Do they balance out? If you don't get what you need/want, what has to change? Can he do that? WILL he do that? Do you even WANT him to do that? 

The most important thing to remember here, is to not look at how someone else treats you when trying to decide what to do. And really, don't even look at how someone else might treat you ("Oh, but if we divorce, I can find someone who treats me so much better!"). Look specifically at how HE treats you, and how you really want/need to be treated, and whether or not he can meet that. If you feel you really need romance in your life, figure out if he can meet that need. Talk to him, ask him to do it, tell him what you mean by romance, get counseling, whatever. And if, after doing all that, you realize he just can't meet that need, then you know that you probably want to move on. 

Tell him exactly how you feel. "Honey, I love you, you're my best friend, but I need _________. And honestly, you're just not giving it to me. And it's making me feel like I want to give up on us. And I don't want to do that. You've got to work with me, and help me change things." 

Also, ask him if there's anything that he wants/needs from you that he feels he's not getting. Sometimes, when we feel our needs aren't being met, we withhold from meeting their needs. It might be that he started acting like this because he felt he wasn't getting something from you, or that when he started acting like this, you started holding back, which made him act like this even more. I'm not trying to put blame for this on you, but if there IS something he wants/needs from you, giving him that might be a start to turning things around, if that's what you want.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Kim stop the affair first send the no contact letter, the message is then very clear and opens him up to a harassment charge if he persists. Then and only then can you sort out your marriage and future. 

The other man is getting divorced what does he care..certainly nothing for you.

Be strong in this the steps are the correct ones, even if you just do one thing now and send the letter you have made a giant leap forward.

The fact that you are on this site means you understand the difficulty you are in. Please do listen and hear.. it is the best way forward.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Read the thread below and see what stage you are in.. 

Infidelity, Cheating Wives - Women's Infidelity


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