# Husband officially pulled the plug...through an email



## WhiskeyVictor (Sep 13, 2016)

So my separation is officially leading to divorce, I guess. After being together 10 years, my husband emailed me that he was no longer interested in reconciling. 
I posted recently that my husband had introduced or young daughters to his "friend". I was under the impression that they had seen each other a time or two, but they have actually been all around town, and at both of their places, playing family with my kids and her son behind my back. He knows that they mean everything to me and I am not comfortable with them being exposed to a woman that he is seeing while we're still married and very recently separated. Although I initially didn't know what they were upset by, I see when they return home from visiting him that they are upset but wouldn't tell me why (they just turned 4 and 6).

I asked him to stop and wait until whatever we decided was over, and he agreed. Then, after he got them Saturday morning, my kids returned and told me that they spent the day with Daddy and his friend. I called him maybe 8 or 9 times, and after he didn't answer, he texted that after the gym he took a shower and wasn't ignoring me. He knew what the calls were about, and after a few text exchanges he said that the meet up was a coincidence (they went to and air show clear across town and my daughters told me that they rode in her car). 

In the texts he stated that the marriage was over more than two years ago for him (two years ago was when I began to regain my pride, went back to work, finally finished my degree and expressed my concern with the status of our relationship.) The next morning, I took my daughters out and noticed that I had an email from him. The email stated that he wasn't interested in reconciling, I was pretty much a despicable person and wasn't able to accept fault in anything. I literally have no idea what I did to him; I asked what issues he had with me since he has never told me of anything that was bothering him to the point of misery as he claimed, and he said he never bothered to tell me because he didn't think I would do anything to change. I was completely blindsided, not by the news of him definitely wanting the divorce, but at the fact that he was making claims that I never once heard in all the years that we were together, even after I have tried to talk to him repeatedly about our relationship. I was coping with the separation well, but for some reason these new accusations have me extremely upset because I literally did everything that I could think of to make him happy and support him. Now I am gloomy, crying at work, and overall devastated that he thinks I was such a horrible wife.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry that its come to this. I know it's hard.

Are you wanting to try to get back with him still? Or have you accepted that the marraige is over and are dealing wiht the grief?


----------



## WhiskeyVictor (Sep 13, 2016)

l


----------



## WhiskeyVictor (Sep 13, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> I'm sorry that its come to this. I know it's hard.
> 
> Are you wanting to try to get back with him still? Or have you accepted that the marraige is over and are dealing wiht the grief?


No, I'm not interested in going back with him. I tried for years to go to counseling and finally asked for the separation after he wouldn't do anything to change. I am mostly upset because I feel like he's saying and doing these things to hurt me and it's working.

I'm also upset about how the girls are being exposed too early to another when they don't know or understand that we're divorcing, and the fact that I can't tell them that something like this is wrong.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WhiskeyVictor said:


> No, I'm not interested in going back with him. I tried for years to go to counseling and finally asked for the separation after he wouldn't do anything to change. I am mostly upset because I feel like he's saying and doing these things to hurt me and it's working.
> 
> I'm also upset about how the girls are being exposed too early to another when they don't know or understand that we're divorcing, and the fact that I can't tell them that something like this is wrong.


Why can't you tell them that what he's doing is wrong?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you don't want to get back with him then you need to do what you can to help you move on with your life as soon as possible.

Take a look at the link to the 180 in my signature block below. That's how you need to interact with him... basically as little as possible. Don't talk to him about anything except what's needed to co-parent. File for divorce and let the lawyer handle the busienss of your divorce with him. You really have no reason to talk to him about the details. 

What percentage of your joint income do you earn? This makes a diffrence in the divorce, childre support, etc.

Keep in mind that only about 3% of affairs ever turn into longterm relationships. So the chances of this relationship he has right now being something long term is next to nothing.

From what you have said, it sounds like you will have a much better life without him, really. So start doing things that are good for yourself. What things are you doing these days to help build a new life and a strong support system?


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I read your other thread. This is the man who married you while he was married to someone else. He lied otherwise as well. You have been working on yourself for sometime and have mostly been the stable one.

IMO: You are better off without him and stayed early on because you did not have a father growing up and did not want that for your girls.
EleGirl's advice re handling the divorce is golden. You have known he was not a stable father or husband so don't expect him to be a man of character.

His being hurtful is just another part of his personality. Someday your girls will understand what happened--his dating while you were married.

It is too soon to realize that this may be the best thing that ever happened to you. You have been strong in the past and will survive this too. I am sorry for your pain.


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

ouch.... 

You did nothing, but you need to be the bad one for him to get over his guilt. 

He is a jerk. This marriage is OVER, go have a good cry and get ready for a legal battle. Put the armor on and war paint on. 

im SO sorry


----------



## WhiskeyVictor (Sep 13, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Why can't you tell them that what he's doing is wrong?


I don't know how to go about telling them. I want to be honest but can I tell a 4 and 6 year old that daddy is wrong and they shouldn't be around her?


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

WhiskeyVictor said:


> I don't know how to go about telling them. I want to be honest but can I tell a 4 and 6 year old that daddy is wrong and they shouldn't be around her?


Start divorce proceedings while showing your lawyer his email.Ask the lawyer about the possibility of not introducing the children to other girlfriends/boyfriends until the divorce is complete.
It may be possible depending on where you live.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WhiskeyVictor said:


> I don't know how to go about telling them. I want to be honest but can I tell a 4 and 6 year old that daddy is wrong and they shouldn't be around her?


I agree with Andy. Ask the lawyer is there is something you can put in the divorce papers that say that he cannot have the children around another woman for some time period.

Also, you might want to go see a therapist that specializes in children and get their advice on what is age appropriate to tell your children. The important thing is radical honesty. Keeping secrets from your children is not a healthy relationship with them. But neither is telling them things in the way one would tell an adult.

A counselor/therapist can talk to you and your children and get to know what is needed. Your children most likely have some confusion about all this and need to be told in a way that will help them make sense of what is going on and to help them deal with the impact it's having on their lives.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

WhiskeyVictor,
We see it all the time that a cheating partner "re-writes the marriage history" to justify and alleviate their guilt.

I am all for working on yourself, truly, but I would not consider him a reliable source for criticism. Pleast dont take it to heart to much.

I am so sorry, and it is despicable of him to put your children in that position, no question about it!


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

WhiskeyVictor said:


> So my separation is officially leading to divorce, I guess. After being together 10 years, my husband emailed me that he was no longer interested in reconciling.
> I posted recently that my husband had introduced or young daughters to his "friend". I was under the impression that they had seen each other a time or two, but they have actually been all around town, and at both of their places, playing family with my kids and her son behind my back. He knows that they mean everything to me and I am not comfortable with them being exposed to a woman that he is seeing while we're still married and very recently separated. Although I initially didn't know what they were upset by, I see when they return home from visiting him that they are upset but wouldn't tell me why (they just turned 4 and 6).
> 
> I asked him to stop and wait until whatever we decided was over, and he agreed. Then, after he got them Saturday morning, my kids returned and told me that they spent the day with Daddy and his friend. I called him maybe 8 or 9 times, and after he didn't answer, he texted that after the gym he took a shower and wasn't ignoring me. He knew what the calls were about, and after a few text exchanges he said that the meet up was a coincidence (they went to and air show clear across town and my daughters told me that they rode in her car).
> ...


It sounds like he is trying to justify his behaviour. I suspect he was having an affair when things began to go south, that is why you are only hearing this now. Beleive him, file for divorce, get a great lawyer and move on with your life. He is probably lying about what really happened 2 years ago when you separated.


----------



## WhiskeyVictor (Sep 13, 2016)

sunsetmist said:


> I read your other thread. This is the man who married you while he was married to someone else. He lied otherwise as well. You have been working on yourself for sometime and have mostly been the stable one.
> 
> IMO: You are better off without him and stayed early on because you did not have a father growing up and did not want that for your girls.
> EleGirl's advice re handling the divorce is golden. You have known he was not a stable father or husband so don't expect him to be a man of character.
> ...


Thank you, I am really trying to get it together. When we met I had so much going for myself, we were both on the fast tracks doing well in our Naval careers. He told me he loved my determination and that I was more independent than his previous relationships. I then got out to go to school and take care of the kids and after everything happened with the marriage news (him actually being married to another woman) I was lower than low, and he was satisfied. I am just grateful that I had resources available to me because I feel he would’ve left me in the gutter at some point


----------



## WhiskeyVictor (Sep 13, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> WhiskeyVictor said:
> 
> 
> > I don't know how to go about telling them. I want to be honest but can I tell a 4 and 6 year old that daddy is wrong and they shouldn't be around her?
> ...





aine said:


> WhiskeyVictor said:
> 
> 
> > So my separation is officially leading to divorce, I guess. After being together 10 years, my husband emailed me that he was no longer interested in reconciling.
> ...


I have been researching to see if I can get that agreement in writing. I called one of the resources available to us to get the girls counseling but unfortunately they said that my youngest daughter was not old enough to receive the services that they provide for kids and referred me to behavioral health specialists, who I have not been able make an appointment with yet. I am really trying because I am determined to raise them correctly considering that there was so much that I was exposed when I was younger and didn’t realize that it was unacceptable until my adult years


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm of a different opinion..... once the marriage is over you're not going to be able to control who he brings the kids around. 

Unless they're in danger of course.... then you do whatever you need to in order to keep them safe. 

It would be nice if he'd use better judgement, but you're not going to be able go force it. Even if you get it in your divorce decree, are you then going to go back to court every time he brings a woman around?

And remember that eventually you may meet someone, and if you've opened this can of worms he may start trying to dictate who you can bring around. 

I'm sorry..... you really are better off without him.


----------



## WhiskeyVictor (Sep 13, 2016)

aine said:


> WhiskeyVictor said:
> 
> 
> > So my separation is officially leading to divorce, I guess. After being together 10 years, my husband emailed me that he was no longer interested in reconciling.
> ...


Thank you, I think that he was having an affair and is trying to justify it as well. We have been separated 5 months but I now know that they were around this woman around month two. Especially considering that she is comfortable enough to bring her kids around him and be around mine. I really don’t want that kind of woman around them


----------



## WhiskeyVictor (Sep 13, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm of a different opinion..... once the marriage is over you're not going to be able to control who he brings the kids around.
> 
> Unless they're in danger of course.... then you do whatever you need to in order to keep them safe.
> 
> ...


I understand, once the marriage is over legally that he can do as he pleases. We actually had a conversation and he agreed two incidents ago that he would wait until the relationship was over over and still have a cooling period, and that if it came to it we’d inform one another before we introduce the kids to anyone.


----------



## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm of a different opinion..... once the marriage is over you're not going to be able to control who he brings the kids around.
> 
> Unless they're in danger of course.... then you do whatever you need to in order to keep them safe.
> 
> ...


lifeistooshort has a good point. However just because you don't bring up the other woman/other men situation, doesn't mean he won't eventually come after you for that if he feels like it. 

What you can do is have the judge run her license and make sure she is not a felon, doesn't have anything on her record, etc. 

Yes explain to the girls that what he is doing is not right.

Sorry you are here.


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

What never ceases to amaze me after my own ordeal, what we read here and reading other books, materials, etc. Is that the cheaters are very un-original and really do seem to have a handbook of things to do and more to the point, SAY.

"I asked what issues he had with me since he has never told me of anything that was bothering him to the point of misery as he claimed, and he said he never bothered to tell me because he didn't think I would do anything to change. I was completely blindsided, not by the news of him definitely wanting the divorce, but at the fact that he was making claims that I never once heard in all the years that we were together, even after I have tried to talk to him repeatedly about our relationship."

WV, there are in a fair amount of cases, reasonable things a cheater may say, things that are valid but pale in comparison to the lies and revisionist history they have created in their own fantasy world. THIS, this above in the quotes, is not one of them. This is cut and paste from the handbook of cheater speak. I'm sorry you are here, sorry you feel this way but you can tell this dude to shove this BS right back where it came from and where the sun don't shine.

This is going to hurt and not make sense for a while and you are going to blame yourself. Not sure if you are in counseling but the counselor will help you figure out what this douche's logic is when he says all of these things and will help you sort out your own feelings, on an eventual path back to peace and if you work for it ... happiness.


----------



## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

WhiskeyVictor said:


> I understand, once the marriage is over legally that he can do as he pleases. We actually had a conversation and he agreed two incidents ago that he would wait until the relationship was over over and still have a cooling period, and that if it came to it we’d inform one another before we introduce the kids to anyone.


He's just telling you what you want to hear to avoid conflict. Unless you can get it in writing as part of your standing orders it'll never happen. My ex and I verbally agreed on the same thing. Two weeks after she moved out the kids came home talking about Mr. Wonderful. I called her out on it and she was like "well he's in my life now". Total BS, and very confusing for the kids. Of course that one lasted about a month, and my ex was a friggin revolving door for about a year. My kids would always have stories about who mommy was dating now. She couldn't even wait to go on dates when the kids weren't with her. Honestly.

Right now the best thing you can do is focus on yourself and your children. Your STBXH is still in lala land with the new woman. Good - that's right where you want him to be. File for divorce and get this thing over with as quickly and quietly as possible without letting yourself get screwed. Take emotion out of this - it's just a business transaction now. I know it'll hurt, but you'll get through this.

As for the kids - I don't think telling them daddy is wrong is going to be anything good for them. They're already confused enough as it is. You don't want them to get stuck in the middle of all this. You can only control what happens when they're with you. As long as their dad is not putting them in physical danger, then legally he is doing nothing wrong. It sucks right now, but the kids will know the score as they get older.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

WhiskeyVictor said:


> I understand, once the marriage is over legally that he can do as he pleases. We actually had a conversation and he agreed two incidents ago that he would wait until the relationship was over over and still have a cooling period, and that if it came to it we’d inform one another before we introduce the kids to anyone.


I get it..... it would be great if he would behave appropriately.

It's just going to be difficult to enforce. 

And there's always a possibility that if you harp on it he'll do it just to rebel.

You've made your feelings known.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Whiskey,
This isn’t about whether you are the injured party. Sounds as if you are. That said, you cannot have the conversation mentioned in your post below without beginning to head down the path of parental alienation. 

I believe that your input needs to be limited to specific behaviors that an objective third party (family court) would agree are harmful to the children. 

I also believe you can insist on background checks in your divorce decree. Or you can independently run a background check on her. If she has a criminal record, that may give you some leverage. 






WhiskeyVictor said:


> I don't know how to go about telling them. I want to be honest but can I tell a 4 and 6 year old that daddy is wrong and they shouldn't be around her?


----------



## WhiskeyVictor (Sep 13, 2016)

MEM2020 said:


> Whiskey,
> This isn’t about whether you are the injured party. Sounds as if you are. That said, you cannot have the conversation mentioned in your post below without beginning to head down the path of parental alienation.
> 
> I believe that your input needs to be limited to specific behaviors that an objective third party (family court) would agree are harmful to the children.
> ...


That is why I said before that I can’t tell them that it’s not right, I know that’ll it’ll have a negative effect. Instead we all just have to let him continue to do as he pleases, tainting my daughters in the process


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

It’s natural to want to protect your children. 

You know your STBX husband best. If he is solid on the mechanics of safety, doesn’t drink and drive the kids, doesn’t hit them, etc. than I would agree that the courts are not likely to intervene with regard to his female companionship.




WhiskeyVictor said:


> That is why I said before that I can’t tell them that it’s not right, I know that’ll it’ll have a negative effect. Instead we all just have to let him continue to do as he pleases, tainting my daughters in the process


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

WhiskeyVictor said:


> That is why I said before that I can’t tell them that it’s not right, I know that’ll it’ll have a negative effect. Instead we all just have to let him continue to do as he pleases, tainting my daughters in the process


Going to disagree with you. You CAN tell your children that you and their father have different views of how married people should behave and you do not condone what daddy is doing while you are still married. You can tell them that the disagreement is not about them, but about grownup stuff. This lets them know they are not at fault, which children that age will do whether they ever tell you or not.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Here's the deal. If you are a legally separated and living in separate places, you basically don't get to tell him who he can and cannot see. And unless they are a clear danger to your children, you do not get to dictate when your children meet them. Not even legally. It may not be right, but it is reality. You don't want to tell your children the truth and that his fine. But you don't get to blame your fear on the legal system. If you are that worried about your children, you would make sure they understood the facts. The fact that they don't know what is going on is on you, not the court system. Toughen up and talk to them


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No judge will enforce that when you drag him to court over it (as you will end up doing because he's going to do what he wants).


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Actually, some courts will enforce visitation agreements that restrict access by third persons (like a new GF or BF), provided you establish it is in the best interest of the children. That's a difficult standard to meet, but it is met. And no court enforces it because one of the parents thinks its harmful. It has to actually impact the kids. It would be nice if parents could agree that any confusion for young children be kept to an absolute minimum during the divorce process, but if parents got along all the time, its unlikely there would be so many divorces.


----------



## WhiskeyVictor (Sep 13, 2016)

Pluto2 said:


> Actually, some courts will enforce visitation agreements that restrict access by third persons (like a new GF or BF), provided you establish it is in the best interest of the children. That's a difficult standard to meet, but it is met. And no court enforces it because one of the parents thinks its harmful. It has to actually impact the kids. It would be nice if parents could agree that any confusion for young children be kept to an absolute minimum during the divorce process, but if parents got along all the time, its unlikely there would be so many divorces.


Thank you, I was able to find verbiage that may help. I really don’t know what to do otherwise, I just wish they could see how this truly affects the kids


----------



## Devastated wife (Feb 19, 2018)

WhiskeyVictor, I am so sorry to hear what you have been going through. It is rather cowardly that your husband chose to email you his decision to get a divorce. Mine did too; he refused to talk to me for months (after his affair was exposed and I moved out) and then sent a lousy email giving a load of pathetic excuses including how he couldn't trust me!

Your husband is showing you no respect by flaunting his 'friend' around your children, especially after you had agreed you would wait until a decision had been made. He does not sound like a nice person at all and I hope you come to realise that you deserve a lot better than how he has been treating you.

I don't know what led to your separation, was it infidelity or a mutual decision? He could have at least communicated in person the issues you had in his eyes and made an honest go at your marriage. But unfortunately he is a coward and doesn't want to accept fault in his communication flaws. He is not someone you should be with, he will just drag you and your children down with him.

Focus on yourself, what you want to do, and your children and live life to the max. You deserve a good man in your life and you will find one someday; a guy who will treat you properly and have your back for the long haul. Definitely seek legal advice and see if you can have an agreement drawn up to limit or stop her contact with your children for the time being. 

You sound like a very strong woman, keep moving forward; you've got this.

Best wishes x


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

WHAT A COWARD, D-BAG. you get a lawyer who is a SHARK and you fight for what is due to you... because by his attitude he feels the injured party and will try to pull one over on you.

Please update us when this new found relationship goes south. I love hearing about when unicorn fart land explodes.


----------

