# I deleted my previous posts (for a good reason)



## timemachine (Jul 27, 2011)

Ok I haven't been a member long. And I had taken off to Arizona after I thought for a long time my 26 year marriage was totally over. Well I miss my kids terribly and the truth is I miss the wife quite a bit also. But we have had a particular difficult time as of late and I read between the lines that her and I slipping apart and her and male friend of hers had to be connected and might have jumped to conclusions. I do know that me taking off to Arizona. Ive been here a month isnt going to help anything and me being away from the kids is heartbreaking. So Im flying back. One day next week I'm flying back to South Carolina and Im going to stay with my parents. This way I can still see the kids on a regular basis. And the decision to reconcile or not can be made later. After 26years It shouldnt end on a whim or emotional fit. The decision has to have a lot of thought by both parties and Im guessing that it will be easier for us to decide what we want to do if I am closer.
If it works Im back at home and if it doesnt Im at my parents house and the kids can come and go as they wish. I can still work and get my own place from my moms as well as my Aunts and I can still be around my own surroundings and people that I know. Being this far from anyone I know staying with my Aunt whom I havent seen since I was 16 isnt going to help me at all. And if later I do decide I can always leave that option open. I deleted my posts because I do want their to be every chance for this dead horse to rise up if it will and I simply do not want anything I said one sidedly to mess up a chance at renewal. if there is or isnt I want that to work out kind of organically on its own. We shall see.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Good luck.


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## timemachine (Jul 27, 2011)

Thank you, I have made it very clear that the current relationship cannont continue in its present form. I also made it clear that I was not going to go groveling to go back to the family home. I am staying with my folks to be near my kids and tie up some loose ends. I made it very clear that I would be willing to entertain the idea of reubuilding the relationship with certain guidelines and I wasnt interested in being her servant any more. I made my case via email that I was leaving the ball in her court at the same time the month away had done me alot of good and I will be continuing to rebuild my life. (My own place and such) and if there wasnt a significant change in the reconcilitation directon by SEPT 2 then the option for reconciliation is then off the table and we will move to ending the relationship. And know I will just wait and see what happens from there. but It feels good to have my backbone back. And I trusted her with my heart at 17(26years ago) and now I will move much slowly because that trust was broken and It will be a while to earn it back. I will update soon. Thanks everyone.


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## Keef (Jul 28, 2011)

Glad to see your spirits are high, that's the most important thing for yourself right now. So no matter what, keep going with that mindset. Good luck, look forward to seeing more updates.


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## timemachine (Jul 27, 2011)

Thanks Keef. I really am in terriffic spirits. Its been 26 years (Today in fact) that I have had to keep biting my toungue and putting myself behind everyone else when it comes to her. She has always had an "I dont forgive and I dont forget" attitude from the begining. Which puts alot of pressure on the other party. That along with having a very tender heart myself allowed the world to jump on my back and kick their spurs into my sides. While I suffered to myself in my own mind with no-one to talk to. I wouldnt bring it up outside the marriage and couldn't bring it up to the wife without something stupid being brought up and wind up defending myself. It didnt matter what the disagreement was I always felt like **** in the end. I guess I kind of let it all slip away. I pulled back and huddled in the corner and felt like If I just kept my head down and did everything I was asked and was the best that I could be I could fix it. But to no avail. The problem with a "I dont forgive I dont forget" attitude is that you have to live your live as if the other has that also and she didn't I was expected to forgive and forget and she wasnt If I brought something up I was a accused of keeping score. Anyway,
I sent emails. Today I sent a happy anniversary text and she says she hasnt read them duh! I did tell her they were kind of harsh. And they are. I found a freedom like I havent had in my life. Knowing that the relationship probably couldn't get any worse and knowing that I wasnt going to have eat my words and beg forgiveness or in general worry about the situation. This finally allowed me to get **** off my chest that had been there for 26years. Since I am the one that walked away 4 weeks ago. Because of the pressure of trying to make her happy and protect her from the world only to have everyone put in front of me and the world to kick me in the face and her be in the front to draw the crowd was overwelming. I have always been able to take pain physically and emotionally in silence for long periods of time. Well in May I was actually suicidal and did a 24hr chair in the doorway observation because of it. And this didnt alarm her in the least or make things better. When someone says they would rather die than spend another minute with you and you dont even ask why or what can I do then you know they dont really care about you or you have been so insignificant for so long it doesnt matter what you think or feel anymore. I laid it all out. Im going back to South Carolina to be near my kids do they don't think I abandoned them because I didnt leave them I left her. Im planning on moving along with my life but If she wants to continue in a relationship with me. She will have to put me first. (The kids have always been first with both of us but they are older now and can kind of fend for themselves) She will have to never let me think Im not loved or wanted. And we will have to have a sex life. Weve been intimate only 4 times over 2 years and whenever I brought up I was made out to be some kind of pervert for wanting to have relations with my own wife. And she will have to make moves towards making it work. I am good either way. I will move along slowly and SEPT2 the offer comes off the table and we move apart. I am at ease with knowing I did everything I could. I was honest ( aside from keeping my feelings in all the time to spare hers) and faithful and went above and beyond the call. Her mother lived with us for 18 years and she was a manic depressant and I handled that. raising 3 kids 20/15/12 now. Either I'm first or Im not interested. And now Im just going to wait for her response. I will be far better in my own enviroment the combo of being in Arizona alone and the relationship ending together too much/ And I will be near the kids. And I will keep myself available for contact. I should be back at my parents house at the end of the week and I will keep updating as warranted.

I want to thank everyone here. Everyone is so helpful and it helped alot when I felt like I stepped out of a timemachine for so many years.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

timemachine said:


> Thanks Keef. I really am in terriffic spirits. Its been 26 years (Today in fact) that I have had to keep biting my toungue and putting myself behind everyone else when it comes to her. She has always had an "I dont forgive and I dont forget" attitude from the begining. Which puts alot of pressure on the other party. That along with having a very tender heart myself allowed the world to jump on my back and kick their spurs into my sides. While I suffered to myself in my own mind with no-one to talk to. I wouldnt bring it up outside the marriage and couldn't bring it up to the wife without something stupid being brought up and wind up defending myself. It didnt matter what the disagreement was I always felt like **** in the end. I guess I kind of let it all slip away. I pulled back and huddled in the corner and felt like If I just kept my head down and did everything I was asked and was the best that I could be I could fix it. But to no avail. The problem with a "I dont forgive I dont forget" attitude is that you have to live your live as if the other has that also and she didn't I was expected to forgive and forget and she wasnt If I brought something up I was a accused of keeping score. Anyway,
> I sent emails. Today I sent a happy anniversary text and she says she hasnt read them duh! I did tell her they were kind of harsh. And they are. I found a freedom like I havent had in my life. Knowing that the relationship probably couldn't get any worse and knowing that I wasnt going to have eat my words and beg forgiveness or in general worry about the situation. This finally allowed me to get **** off my chest that had been there for 26years. Since I am the one that walked away 4 weeks ago. Because of the pressure of trying to make her happy and protect her from the world only to have everyone put in front of me and the world to kick me in the face and her be in the front to draw the crowd was overwelming. I have always been able to take pain physically and emotionally in silence for long periods of time. Well in May I was actually suicidal and did a 24hr chair in the doorway observation because of it. And this didnt alarm her in the least or make things better. When someone says they would rather die than spend another minute with you and you dont even ask why or what can I do then you know they dont really care about you or you have been so insignificant for so long it doesnt matter what you think or feel anymore. I laid it all out. Im going back to South Carolina to be near my kids do they don't think I abandoned them because I didnt leave them I left her. Im planning on moving along with my life but If she wants to continue in a relationship with me. She will have to put me first. (The kids have always been first with both of us but they are older now and can kind of fend for themselves) She will have to never let me think Im not loved or wanted. And we will have to have a sex life. Weve been intimate only 4 times over 2 years and whenever I brought up I was made out to be some kind of pervert for wanting to have relations with my own wife. And she will have to make moves towards making it work. I am good either way. I will move along slowly and SEPT2 the offer comes off the table and we move apart. I am at ease with knowing I did everything I could. I was honest ( aside from keeping my feelings in all the time to spare hers) and faithful and went above and beyond the call. Her mother lived with us for 18 years and she was a manic depressant and I handled that. raising 3 kids 20/15/12 now. Either I'm first or Im not interested. And now Im just going to wait for her response. I will be far better in my own enviroment the combo of being in Arizona alone and the relationship ending together too much/ And I will be near the kids. And I will keep myself available for contact. I should be back at my parents house at the end of the week and I will keep updating as warranted.
> 
> I want to thank everyone here. Everyone is so helpful and it helped alot when I felt like I stepped out of a timemachine for so many years.


You sound as if you were\are really beating yourself up over this. You shouldn't feel guilty about the way you feel and how you are taking a stand for yourself now. Good for you. She might even prefer you this way because she sees that you are in charge.

I told my W 3 weeks ago after a 3 month separation that we only have two choices: 1. Put each other first 100% ALL THE TIME point forward, or 2. Call it quits. There is to be no in between and no comprimising our relationship with each other. We are waiting to go to a marriage workshop on the weekend of the Aug. 19th and from there we will determine whether or not our marriage can survice. Up to this point, she has always made me feel second fiddle when we are with her family and I won't settle for second, ever again. I don't really feel as if she can surpass that; I don't think I see her agreeing that she will hold me at the same level as her family when we are together because she says that, she barely ever gets to see them. I don't see the connection there; why would I have to take a back seat when we are all together? Why can she not elevate them to the same level as me instead of lowering me a notch.

Anyway, I didn't mean to hijack your post, just wanted to let you know that you are doing the right thing now by wearing the pants. I know what it is like to play the person trying to keep the peace all the time - too much giving up of yourself to do that for so long. I was there too.


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## timemachine (Jul 27, 2011)

Thanks Brighterlight and you didn't hijack my post at all. Isn't that why we are all here to give and seek support for those situations that seem hopeless. And i was hopeless not to long ago. I thought I was stuck till I walked away. And I found that there were people in my life that did care about me. And I spent too much time and every bit of my effort in trying to convince the wife to. And I really dont know if it's in her. Its hard to say if she is so selfish that she never thinks about me. But when she got a new male best friend about 5 years ago the neglect seem to accelerate on her part. The only conversations where I had any input at all were about the kids or finances. And outsiders to the relationship got all the good and I was left with the scraps. I was treated with distain and scorn. And it took me knowing that I could end the relationship and be better off and then to let her know that. I was able to get so much off my chest that I had been holding for so long. It felt great. 
At this moment she has not replied at all.
I will be leaving to go back to South Carolina tomorrow. I did agree to have one face to face meeting alone with her to me initiated by her if wanted. And any other communications will be by email. I am standing firm on the deadline of 9/2/11 if there isnt significant improvement the option to reconcile on my end is off the table.

I am viewing her silence at the moment to mean one of 3 possible options.
1) OH CRAP! He must be serious he has never spoken like this to me before what do I do with this. I screwed up and need to make it right. 
2) I do not think I did anything wrong. He walked out let him stay gone. I dont need him anymore anyway. ( This may be if the friend and her were carrying on. or may not)
3) If I stay quiet and don't say anything he will eventually fold and coming crawling back to me.)

I really dont have any idea at this point. But I have resolved myself to the FACT. That I did everything I could to make it work. I carried the biggest percentage if not all of the relationship for the entire 26years and I didn't do a thing to feel guilty about. So I will be ok and I will not be sitting around waiting for her answer either. 

Maybe she will just be silent for a month and let the best thing that ever happened to her go. She probably doesnt want to put the work its going to take in to save it. If she did she would have done something before it got to this point. The only reason Im going to wait a month. Is to find out if it was obscene selfishness that allowed her to neglect it all even after being told. Or if it was intentional. But I need the additional month myself to end all doubt and realize that I didn't just run because of years and years of mis-understanding. Basically after that long I am giving her a second chance even though in my own heart and mind she doesn't deserve it. I am being the bigger person for my own piece of mind.

Thanks again and I will update as the situation warrants. 
TM


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## timemachine (Jul 27, 2011)

Here's the update folks. I flew in to town on Thursday and got to talk the wife on Friday. We had a great discussion. We had both been on the verge of suicide prior to me taking off to Arizona. That night was a mess and we were both frazzled. We were both holding some things back to keep from hurting one another all these years. She had realized some time ago that she still loved me, but not in that husband and wife way. She put it "I love you but not the way you need it" And I completely understood. I was dealing with still having a wife and being faithful and dutiful and getting no reactions but pulling away. And I knew this was going on but figured if I could hold it all in and together that maybe someday she would. But at the same time realizing that I was in for the rest of my life like that wasn't very appealing either. And neither one of us would discuss this because of hurting the other one after all we had been through after 26 years. Especially starting out at 17(me) and 19. 

We mutually decided that our relationship was not over but was entering and different phase. That we couldn't live together and needed to let one another go but we could remain best friends. It was like losing a wife and gaining a sister. And we found out that the month we were so far apart and how it happened hurt and was stressful. It gave us both time to think and go through the mourning of the relationship and gain acceptance and know that the other had to. I made it right by coming back to face her. She made it right by being open and honest about the whole situation and agreeing to see me when I got back ( I had sent some really mean emails during the anger part of the separation) and she held her water. We agreed everything is forgiven and forgotten. And we had invested to much and had done too well to let a bunch of resentments and grudges get in the way of all the good memories and the marriage
needed to end as nicely as it started and continued through out.
Similar to having a pet for a long time and it gets old and sick and it was time to put it down. 

The kids 20/15/12 are really happier this way we all getting along better with this arrangement. And I made it right to them to. And they are excited for the time when I get out on my own (AT MOM'S IT SUCKS.) Need a job. but Im looking. And they will have 2 homes. 

We were on an emotional ledge together waiting for one another to jump first. And we just joined hands and went for it. Because neither of us had intentional done anything to hurt one another and we needed space to realize what we had. We appreciated the relaionship for all that it was and put it down respectfully. 

And now it's reborn and better. Rising like a phoenix. Thanks everyone.


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