# After 17 years is it wrong to just want out?



## janice68 (Feb 25, 2008)

We have been married for 17 years and I just feel like there is so much more out there for me. I love my husband, but am not "in love" with him... there is no passion...no romance. We have 2 children 10 and 15 yr old. 17 years is a long time but I just dont want to spend the next 17 wishing I had gotten out of this while I could. Right now we are talking about splitting up and he is begging for it not to happen. If I back down, I could be in this same place years from now. Any advice is greatly appreciated..


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Janice68

Unfortunately you’ve not given enough information to get much assistance from people here. What exactly are the problems? What have you tried so far to correct them? As a man who had my wife tell me 10 months ago that she loved me but wasn’t in love with me I know how your husband may feel. But my wife and I are still working on our marriage. Will it work out? I don’t know. But at least we gave it our best shot. We too have to children to be concerned about. My gut reaction is to try to assess the problems in the marriage and don’t give up with out making a effort at recovering. Many people will be hurt by the failure of the marriage. If you give it your best shot and it still can’t work out then at least you tried. It sounds like your husband wants to try and salvage it so I say give him a chance but make sure you relay to him the seriousness of the situation. Make sure he understands why you are not happy. Best of luck, no matter how this goes it will be difficult.


----------



## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

The grass ain't always greener on the other side.


----------



## berlinlife06 (Dec 26, 2007)

What about a trial separation? If you are feeling that way, I think the feeling of wanting to leave will increase, and you'll regret it if you do "nothing" Just give it a try, maybe you'll find that you want to be with him after all, or maybe you can become the best of friends, just living under a separeate roof. Things usually have an origin, a cause that is somewhere deep inside. And you deserve a chance on being happy.


----------



## stav (Feb 5, 2008)

Perhaps after so long together stuck in a bit of a rut, you are just a bit bored and want a bit of excitement. 

Talk to hubby, and tell him how you feel. 

The kids are old enough now for you not to worry too much about them, if you decided to take some time off and maybe go on a trip you've always wanted to do, learn a new skill together, have some fun. 

Maybe you've always fancied learning to Salsa! You never know, maybe hubby is feeling the same way as you, and is waiting for you to say something.

You've been together a long time, you are not complaining that he mistreats you, or ignores you, and you don't say you hate being with him. 

I think you just need to put a bit of oomph back into your lives, that 17 years of working hard and raising kids has taken out.


----------



## A Good Husband (Jan 1, 2008)

I haven't been married as long as you, but I definitely understand the need to keep things interesting.

Do the two of you go on dates?

Do you plan time alone together?

When was the last time you sat down and had a heart to heart talk?

To be blunt, I don't think separation is the answer if the problem is just a lack of romance. If there's abuse then yeah, take off. A lack of romance, however, would be a problem that stems from both of you (in most cases). From the minimal amount of information given in you opening post, I would say that you need to suck it up and really work at it - create some romance. There are lots of relationship books out there and I would recommend starting with The Five Love Languages. Re-learn how to communicate with each other.


----------



## GinaGrey (Feb 28, 2008)

Janice,
I may be able to help you.
I do need a few questions answered first though.
Do you want the sex and romance from "him" again? Is this mainly the only reson you want out? Or are there other major factors? I have helped several couple in your exact situation. And possible I can help you. If you would like? If it's romance and attention and intimacy you are seeking. You deserve it. Absolutely. You need it for your own health, well being and it's good for the kids to see you as happy as possible. Please let me know if that is what you are seeking?
Thanks
Gina Grey


----------



## stav (Feb 5, 2008)

Great advice from the good husband 

It is all about communication. I have been married 30 years give or take a couple of months.. My husband still surprises me with flowers, or turns up at my office to take me to lunch. I still sometimes slip little love notes in his sandwiches if he is working a deadline and can't go out for lunch.

It doesn't take much to put the romance back in your marriage.

Good luck


----------



## fredfoxw28 (Jan 11, 2008)

You made a commitmant that you should take seriously. I think your just bored. Like someone said the grass is not always greener on the other side. Learn how to date your husband. You guys have been together for a long time and it's not that easy to start all over again. You know this man, try to reignite what made you fall in love with him in the first place. With a little effort both of you will be fine. One question: are you feeling this way because there is someone else at work or in your area that is making you question your marrige??? Be careful...


----------



## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

You've invested a ton of time in your life together. Take some actions before you just throw in the towel. My husband and I are going through a lull and I picked up some books. The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman was great. It really hit the nail on the head for me. Secondly I just started reading Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue. Get a library card and borrow them for free!!

Sounds like you're just bored which happens in every single relationship out there. Figure out how to not be bored, short of ending the relationship. Your boys deserve that much.


----------



## bluebird (Mar 17, 2008)

Gosh, I feel like I could of written this post. I have only been married 14 yrs, and often feel this way. It makes me feel guilty, but on the hand, it is so hard to change..

I have no advice, just to let you know I can completely understand your feelings.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I think it's fairly normal to just want out but don't think it's ok to just get out. AGoodHusband said it all. Try to work within your marriage to get the excitement back, as the kids get older it really can start getting fun again. My husband and I recently started going to the gym together (we used to go separate to have one of us home w/the kids) and we have a weekly date night...we've just been having a lot of fun together & we really miss each other now when we are at work.


----------



## maggzs (Mar 24, 2008)

Hi All, 
I am new here with this being my first post. In truth I proably came on looking for similar advice. I dont have any answers to this situation, as a part of me is feeling very much in the same boat, however I just wanted to say I have been greatly encouraged by the advise given. Thanks.


----------



## qq49h (Mar 16, 2008)

Hello,
I am in a somewhat similar situation but I am the husband. My wife has all the sudden starting feeling like she wants to live life a little more. She has starting going out with her friends a couple times a week and even went out of town for a few days. She says that she is missing something and needs to find herself. 
We are in counseling now and trying to work through this time. When being married for a long time you can get stuck in a rut. Taking care of the kids, finances, work, etc... You start doing what you think you are supposed to do with a family and start disconnecting with your spouse. Then you start feeling like you don't have your own personality and maybe you start thinking that this is not the way you want to live your life. 
You guys need to reconnect. We are in the beginning stages of trying to work these issues out but we are now communicating our feelings and coming up with ways to get out of this rut. Even though she was the one that said she needed to live life I now am starting to feel the same way. 
Anyways, this is my situation and yours might be different but my point is you guys have been married a long time and need to try to work it out. You say you might regret not getting out but I think you might regret more that you didn't try to work things out. Good luck!


----------



## BrokenFrag (Mar 25, 2008)

I agree with everyone who has said you need to be open with your husband. Really think about what you think is out there and then really think about whether or not you can find those same things in a marriage. I am like qq49h. My wife feels tempted by things outside of our marriage and never once talked about her feelings. She bottled them up for so long that she decided that it couldn't work out. We are only on day 3 past the day she told me she was seeing another guy, so I really don't know yet if we will make it, but she at least understands that if she doesn't give our marriage an honest shot to work, that she will never be able to live with herself, regardless of all the fun she might have. My job is to forgive her and then show her how fun our marriage can be again and that she can be her own person and a dedicated spouse at the same time.

Good luck to you. It will be much harder to make things better than to run away, but in the end, you will hopefully find a truer and deeper happiness.


----------



## tnt20years (Aug 11, 2008)

17 years is a long time, my husband and I just had our 20th anniversary. It is very easy to fall out of love...but after that long there should at least be a strong bond as parents and best friends that would sustain the marriage. I think my husband is going through what you are feeling and I don't know how to help him or stop him. Do you really feel that falling out of love is grounds for divorce? I'm trying to determine how he is feeling thru you, so any advice you can give me would be appreciated. What is the best thing he could do for you that would convince you to stay? Or once you reach a point is there no turning back...is it the old saying "If you love him set him free, if he comes back"........blah blah blah!!


----------



## Triton (Jul 8, 2008)

I say go with Good Husband's advice. I have been married 16 years , and at one time I thought almost the same way. We went to a marriage retreat by accident. Best accident to ever happened.

I am so glad we are still together. I just knew that I was going to cut ties and be a "Man ***** "-could not see myself another 16 years. I would have been a selfish ass-Don't split-work it out. I tell ya it would have screwed up my kids too.


----------



## tnt20years (Aug 11, 2008)

Ok, this question is a little off the path, but what type of marriage retreat did you go to? Please give details...


----------



## BlueCreek (May 5, 2008)

Almost all marriages go through a rut to some degree. Sometimes both spouses drift, sometimes one does, but I'll tell you right now. As long as both people choose to try to turn things around (and there's nothing like abuse or infidelity in the way) it's really pretty easy. You fell in love once, were full of passion and intimacy once, you can be again. As long as you are both committed to try and find that excitement with each other, the odds are greatly in your favor. And it's really not too hard to make that commitment. Even as the one who really feels something important is missing, you can easily make that commitment. You can either chose to break up the family and start all over from square one, or you can decide to keep the family and turn your marriage from boring to phenomenal. You think you can find passion and intimacy only with another relationship? Remember that the passion NEVER lasts without work. You may leave your husband and find someone else, then in a few years (at best) that honeymoon feeling will end as well. Then what? Divorce again to find yet someone else? As already pointed out, the grass is rarely greener on the the other side (and second marriages have a much higher divorce rate that first ones.)

The biggest thing going for you is that your husband is not in the same place as you and really wants things to work. If you chose to try and resurrect your marriage, you won't have to convince your husband and will have a willing participant in changing things, so you'll already be a step up on those who are on the other end who are trying desperately to find a way to connect with a spouse who has already checked out.

Think about a few things. What do you want to do alone or with another man that you can't do with your husband? Go out drinking at a club? Go on cool vacation to the Bahamas with no kids? Have a passionate night doing things you've never done in bed? Really, what is it you feel you are missing that you can't find ways to do in your current marriage? Swedish was right, your kids are starting to get older, and the more they do, the more freedom you and your husband will have to grow the passion and intimacy in your life.

I've said this a couple times before elsewhere. There is only one limit to passion in a marriage, and that's the limit of your imagination. If you can't figure out how to spark each other's fire, you're not thinking very hard about it.

People seem to think that when the passion fades, that means you've lost something and need to go find it somewhere else. Often people think "the fire's out, I just don't feel the same way about him/her as I used to and I don't think I can." People accept their feelings without really putting forward the effort to change them. They think the easier path is to just search fresh, but in reality starting over is much harder. Everything you've lost you've already had once with your husband. You can find it again without looking any further than your own home. All you need to do is open up yourself and talk to your husband. Really spend time thinking about what might be missing, what you feel would add intimacy and passion into your life, and tell you husband those things and talk it over with him about how to meet those needs together.

One of the things you need to do is stop projecting. People do this all the time. "I don't want the next [x] many years to be like the last!" You're projecting that the future is going to be the same as the past so you're already coming at this from a depressed/negative "there's no hope" stand point. So stop worrying about the future. Think about what step will make you happier today, and then just DO IT. Talk is cheep. The both of you need to brainstorm every passionate intimate idea you can come up with and commit to doing them now. 

I have a major recommendation for you. You'll get some good ideas here, assuming you decide to listen to our advice, but really you should visit your local B&N or Borders and go to the Relationship section. If you decide that it's at least worth a shot to find that passion again with a man you already love, you will find a bunch of books that deal 100% with restoring passion to a dull marriage. As long as you and your husband are both open to putting the passion of your marriage first, you should have no problems getting all that back and more.


----------



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Well having been on the other side of this I hope my insight will help you. I have been married for 15 years but together with him for a total of 22. He nearly left the marriage, he wouldn't say he wasn't "in love with me" and he kept saying he would always love me but something was missing. Well it was...fidelity. He was feeling a huge amount of guilt for what he had done. I asked him if he found the missing something with the affair and he said suprisingly not. In fact it made everything worse. I tried everything (before I knew about the affair) to reconnect and he didn't really respond. When he admitted to this, we definately reconnected but have to deal with this issue of pain and trust...

My point is you might feel you are missing something but finding it might mean searching inside yourself. He stopped doing the things for me that were caring and loving. Love takes work, you have to nurture it, not neglect it. It may be you both neglected it. Given that you have children that is probably most likely the case. We did, we stopped enjoying each other and living. 

I suggest that you find some kind of hobby/interest you would both like to do. Try to connect again over that. Have date night. You have to first see if you can reconnect with him before you call it quits. If you end it and don't find what you are looking for, you've hurt him and your family and its too late. Try to reconnect to him and see if you don't fall back in love. 



janice68 said:


> We have been married for 17 years and I just feel like there is so much more out there for me. I love my husband, but am not "in love" with him... there is no passion...no romance. We have 2 children 10 and 15 yr old. 17 years is a long time but I just dont want to spend the next 17 wishing I had gotten out of this while I could. Right now we are talking about splitting up and he is begging for it not to happen. If I back down, I could be in this same place years from now. Any advice is greatly appreciated..


----------



## proudmommy997 (Aug 13, 2008)

janice68 said:


> We have been married for 17 years and I just feel like there is so much more out there for me. I love my husband, but am not "in love" with him... there is no passion...no romance. We have 2 children 10 and 15 yr old. 17 years is a long time but I just dont want to spend the next 17 wishing I had gotten out of this while I could. Right now we are talking about splitting up and he is begging for it not to happen. If I back down, I could be in this same place years from now. Any advice is greatly appreciated..


My mom and dad have been married for 30 years and had been having lots of problems. So finally they decided to separate..not legally, just on there own, and agreed to give it a year before they decided to go for the divorce. After 6 months they were missing each other like crazy and happy again! And if you would rather not do that maybe just getting out together doing new things and having fun could better the relationship.


----------

