# Is It An Affair?



## yesterday (Feb 6, 2009)

Facts:

Wife talks to old boyfriend on her cellphone and text messages approximately 2-5 times per month. She does not call him from our home phone. We do not get a detailed bill of the cell phone charges, but do for home phone.

She only does this when I am not home (I've checked the phone records).

She kept these discussions secret from me for 8 months. I only found out because she slipped up and offered some info about him at a party to mutual friends.

She told me she did not tell me about it because she did not think "I could handle it".

Circumstancial evidence:

She spoke to him the day before she left with her girlfriend for a weekend trip. She bought lingerie on this trip. I caught her modeling this outfit in front of a mirror under her robe. When she heard me enter the room she quickly covered up. I confronted her weeks later and she she at first evasive, then owned up that she bought it for me. I have not seen it since.

She has not been especially "into me" on date nights over the past 6 months. She does not want anything to change in our relationship. She says she is happy but I do not think she is and have confronted her on this topic and lack of intimacy. She was initially resistant to counseling and now tells me she thinks I am setting her up.

What is going on and what should I do?


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

Yesterday - I am sorry you are asking yourself this question. Regardless of what you have "found" the more telling sign is in her behavior. Has you seen her change her behavior. Does she act in a way that you find suspicious? 
You know what you know.


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## USAF1982 (Jan 27, 2009)

Sorry to hear about your dilema....I know I'd definetly be worried and wouldn't allow the texts/calls to continue.

If her old boyfriend is that important, she'd have to chose being w/ you or talking to him. If your that important to her, the answer should be a no-brianer...

I'd say you have alot of solid evidence and your gut is telling you something, that's why you asked us here on the forum. Talk to her, be gentle and don't throw accusations. You need to talk in a sensitive manner and tell her that your concerned and you don't approve of her talking to her ex, it hurts you, and you'd rather it stop.

Best of luck to you....that's a rough situation to be in.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

If she isn't cheating on you just yet, she's getting ready too. I read your other threads: You don't think that lingerie was bought for your benefit, do you?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

At this point it's cut and dry:

Ask her if she wants to remain married to you.

Ask if she would be willing to work with you in strengthening or repairing your bond.

Assuming she says yes to the questions above, tell her she was right, you can’t handle her talking to the ex. It hurts, and it’s dangerous. Assuming she wants to remain married, and work on the marriage, you can’t accomplish either if she is engaged in a private relationship with another man. If she is resistant and defends the 'friendship' you have further confirmation of what you already suspect. And to answer your question, yes, it is an affair.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

the fact that she hid the lingerie from you speaks for it self ... if it was for you she would have said wel now you have seen it what do you think!!!
Saying that it doesnt mean shes having an affair yet but id stop it before it starts ..


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Well based on your post, she definately lies to you and keeps things from you. Ask yourself why? I'm not sure she has cheated on you but she may soon. 

Having been the one cheated on, I saw similar signs (not the lingerie H would look a little silly!  but here's a sign I ignored. H works in construction is very good looking without trying and never really cared about his appearance. He was comfortable in a t'short and ripped jeans. All of a sudden he changes his hair cut its much more current (even got died on the ends), and a couple of new pretty cool outfits. I thought wow he looks great, thought it was for me... nooooo. 

Having a lot of communication with someone she had a prior relationship with is harmful to the relatioship and not normal. Another sign I ignored and I too heard "I didn't tell you because I didn't think YOU could handle it." The guilty always look to stick the guilt on someone else. 

In the reconciliation of this, he will be the first to tell you that the above is all right on target. He also admits to opening a new email account and having frequent conversations so what I saw in texting (over 500 texts per month) and cell phone calls was the tip of the iceberg. 

Having never cheated on my H and never will, I have spoken to an ex-boyfriend. Through FB he contacted me and just wanted to know how I was, what I was up to. I would have no problem with H reading my response, I talked about him and my kids, etc. He responded and told me how he'd been married/divorced now found the love of his life. It was a really neat thing to have that conversation as at one time I really cared for this guy and to know he's happy with 2 beautiful kids was just a cool conversation. I told H all about it, and if he asked he could read every message. But the initial curiousity is gone, I haven't emailed him back since and vice versa. So just because someone speaks to an ex, isn't a red flag but for 8 months! And lying about it. Not good. 

Although if you truly want to work this out, don't accuse. Tell her based on FACTs what is bothering you and asked her to talk about it, then sit back and just listen. Because an affair is just a symptom of things wrong in the relatinship and if she is having one, you also need to resolve those issues, it doesn't stop when she ends the affair. If she talk to you and continues to sneak around, then you might have to make a difficult decision and take a hard line on this but don't let it continue! 

Bottom line, trust your gut. You are seeing some things that are very wrong.


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

Amazing - I completely agree.

During our troubles I used to say...
I know what I know. I didn't need proof. I started to follow my gut and it was correcto 100% of the time.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i suspect you have nervous butterflies in your stomach.
thats your instinct telling you, all is not well.
lingerie and it wasnt for u, weekends away. phone calls. 
heres what i did, i followed my H at the time and spent 5 hours waiting in a supermarket car park. i took time of work.
but i had to know.
i caught him lovely.


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## yesterday (Feb 6, 2009)

Thanks for the continued responses and support. I owe some follow up here.

I am very confused. Without going into detail here (because it would take pages and pages), I am a grown man that does not know how I feel. Ever. I do not trust and constantly question the feelings that I have because I was raised in an emotionally abusive, alcoholic family.

Point of clarification: I knew she got in touch with him one or twice about a year go. I was OK with that. She kept secret from me the communications over the past 8 months.

I confronted my wife about the EA. I never accused her of have an affair in the discussion. I told her I thought she might be. She had a sensible, calm explanation for everything. She was mad that I went behind her back to get the phone records, but not really mad. I sensed she stopped being really pissed off at me after the next day after our discussion.

Relevant Q&A:

Are you thinking of leaving me for Ex? No.

Have you met him in person this year? No.

Why did you not tell the whole truth about communication frequency? I did. If you average the # of calls over the 8 months, it works out to "a couple of times per month".

What about the lingerie? I bought that before I went out of town for you. I covered up because I am self-conscious about my body.

When I found out about it, what did you apologize for then? I apologized to you for finding out the way you did. I should have told you more about these conversations, but I did not think you were interested.

I remember you saying I could not handle it. No I said you were not interested.

Why don't you talk to him when I am around, ever? I don't know. I have other friends that I only talk to when you not around as well.

I told her I did not want her communicating with him. She said it wasn't right for me to say who she could / could not be friends with.

She openly told me about more texting between the 2 of them this week.


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

shes in denial my friend read the writing on the wall its spray painted everywhere. took me a long time to learn this. something is going on with her find out what you lack in your relationship with her and give it to her before its too late!



CPT


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