# I love my husband; he doesnt know . we separated .. help!



## kathr1322 (Aug 22, 2012)

I have been together with my husband for 12 yrs.. married 5. have a 6 yr old boy. ,, last month we moved to a new place... both he and I were the actual movers. I was tired, and stressed, but glad it was over. After the move we started talking about finances. however it got heated, and I ended up de-grating him.. telling him he doesn't to nothing for us.. and so forth. to the extent where I said, ,so you don't love me anymore and want to leave, and he screamed YES! I was in shock ,, however the next day I apologize and he accepted, and said lets start fresh..... and told him i was stressed and didn't mean what I said.,,, this past sunday ,,, I found an article on how to make ur marriage stronger.. and one of the questions was, "How would you like to be loved?" ,, I asked him that ?, and he didn't know how to answer,, b/c he said he doesn't know if he loves me anymore,, he doesn't feel the same way as he used to .. All because of what I said ,, and he brought up the de grating incident, AFTER I already apologized, and he accepted,, he said he couldn't shake what I said, and that changed the way he feels about me.. I asked him if he wants to make me happy??? he said ,, I dint know. so we decided to separate until he figures out what he wants ... I imagine he wanted to stay but I feel it would be hard since Im here all the time,and he really needed to think it through. This is the 3rd time he has told me that he wants to leave b/c he doesn't love me anymore.. I am devoted wife, ,, I take care of him and love him unconditionally.. we have more happy memories than bad ones.. Hes a great man.. Doesn't drink, smoke, and is a good hearted person.. It seems weird to me that just because of this little incident...I mean we hardly fight like that .. HARDLY .. my marriage might be over? ,, would he be tired of the same routine we have? Yesterday he was video chatting w/ my son, and video messed up .. and i got it fixed, and he popped up .. and I saw him and he saw me.. once he saw me his face changed... I felt bad... like he doesn't want nothing to do with me... I am so in love of my husband .. and this feeling is eating me up.. Now i have to wait and see what he decides.. If he's coming back to us FOR SURE... or not.... I told him to make up his mind because I don't want to go through this again .. 3 times already .. during a 12 year span of being together... any suggestions..PLEASE THIS IS THE FIRST TIME WE ARE ACTUALLY SEPARATED!!!! I CAN TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!!


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Hey Kathr,

Sorry you're going through this. 

You don't actually believe that little incident was the cause of him leaving do you?! DON'T.

You already said he has threatened to leave 3 times in the past 12 years, so it was only a matter of time before he would actually act on it.

Unfortunately, one of the first things that needs to be ruled out of this situation is the presence of an affair partner. It's not easy by any stretch, but it's the scenario with the highest possibility in your case. And NO, he won't tell you the truth if you ask him. 

At this point, it's important that you don't beg or plead with your husband. 

Read the following two links and refer back to them as needed:

*Just Let Them Go*
*The 180 degree rules*

There are other things that you should do, but for now, just take a deep breath and understand that *YOU ARE NOT ALONE*.

Lots of other people are going through the same thing here. It will get better and easier. By the time things settle down, you will find an incredible amount of strength in yourself that you didn't know you possessed.


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## kathr1322 (Aug 22, 2012)

Thanks for your reply "synthetic" .. I dont think that at time there might be a 3rd person involved,, we actually talked a few days ago over the phone and he actually agreed to go to counseling for himself... the problem with him,, is that he can never let go of the past.. I feel with what I told him , I hit soar spot.. even if he accepted my apology,,, he's still thinking all the negative things I told him .. He said that he feels he has not contributed to our marriage,, everything we've had has bee either from me or my parents.. I try to tell him its not easy in a marriage, and not to give up ,, be he keeps on saying ,, i dont know,, i dont know ..... The good think coming out of this,, is that he agreed to go to counseling to work on himself... however I dont know if he's called or not for an appointment ,, I dont want to keep on calling him or texting him ,, asking if hes made the call or not .. it will look like I am forcing him to seek counseling ... He's had all these feelings bottled up .. his voice was actually trembling when he was trying to explain to me.... He admitted he has not talked with anywone,, so im sure thats not helping either..... His problem has always been communication, I feel if he would have told me before this escalated into a separation, it would have been better.. but things happen for a reason .. We are the only thing he has ,, his family ,, but i feel that hes not really thinking about us.. i dont know ,, my minds all messed up ... tired of crying and thinking alot of senarios.. i know its not good..but cant help it ,,,


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

kathr1322 said:


> Thanks for your reply "synthetic" .. I dont think that at time there might be a 3rd person involved,, we actually talked a few days ago over the phone and he actually agreed to go to counseling for himself... the problem with him,, is that he can never let go of the past.. I feel with what I told him , I hit soar spot.. even if he accepted my apology,,, he's still thinking all the negative things I told him .. He said that he feels he has not contributed to our marriage,, everything we've had has bee either from me or my parents.. I try to tell him its not easy in a marriage, and not to give up ,, be he keeps on saying ,, i dont know,, i dont know ..... The good think coming out of this,, is that he agreed to go to counseling to work on himself... however I dont know if he's called or not for an appointment ,, I dont want to keep on calling him or texting him ,, asking if hes made the call or not .. it will look like I am forcing him to seek counseling ... He's had all these feelings bottled up .. his voice was actually trembling when he was trying to explain to me.... He admitted he has not talked with anywone,, so im sure thats not helping either..... His problem has always been communication, I feel if he would have told me before this escalated into a separation, it would have been better.. but things happen for a reason .. We are the only thing he has ,, his family ,, but i feel that hes not really thinking about us.. i dont know ,, my minds all messed up ... tired of crying and thinking alot of senarios.. i know its not good..but cant help it ,,,


Hi, Kathr. Synth has given you some good advice and I highly recommend reading what the links he has included. 

You are right about not asking him about the appointment. I would contact him and say that you have thought about it and realize that you need to work on some things too. Ask if he would attend marriage counselling with you so that you can work on the relationship together. If he accepts, make the appointment yourself.

Good luck.


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## kathr1322 (Aug 22, 2012)

thanks frostflower,, well turns out he wants to do the individual sessions ...... thats all he said.... so I guess i have no choice but to respect that .. as long as he gets help .. but i dont want to get my hopes up.. I still feel he's leaning towards leaving us.. its just a feeling i have......


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

kathr1322 said:


> thanks frostflower,, well turns out he wants to do the individual sessions ...... thats all he said.... so I guess i have no choice but to respect that .. as long as he gets help .. but i dont want to get my hopes up.. I still feel he's leaning towards leaving us.. its just a feeling i have......


I'm sorry. 

You need to get strong so that you can deal with whatever happens. read those articles Synth gave you the links for. Focus on becoming the best you possible. It's his loss.


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## stilllookingup (Oct 29, 2012)

kathr1322 said:


> thanks frostflower,, well turns out he wants to do the individual sessions ...... thats all he said.... so I guess i have no choice but to respect that .. as long as he gets help .. but i dont want to get my hopes up.. I still feel he's leaning towards leaving us.. its just a feeling i have......


I'm so sorry this happened to you. I feel like I'm reading my own post. I've learned the hard way the meanest things I've said to my husband in the past stay with him and even though he die know how sorry I am for my past actions, he's still hurt and wants out. I have a feeling that my husband won't file for a divorce right away after we talked but I know he still has lot to think about and I really want to give him all the space and time he needs.

Did you ever follow 180 list afterwords? Hope you guys have reconciled after this incident..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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