# A little help or Advice is needed



## EynaraWolf (Aug 26, 2010)

I am new here, but after a real bad day with the husband, I needed to find an outlet somewhere, and maybe a little support elsewhere that will hopefully take some pressure off of him.

So here’s the scoop, I am 32, and the hubby is 37. I believe we have a basically sound marriage, but every once in a while things do happen that can shake the strongest foundation. A couple of years ago I lost my job and became depressed. To make up for the new lack of income (the husband was the stay at home parent at the time) he started a landscaping business and I stayed home with our girls. My depression got worse and all my post baby weight loss came back on plus some. A year ago, my husband went to my mother with my issues, and within a couple of months and a specific vitamin regimen, I slowly started getting myself back on track.

I have always had a higher sex drive than my husband and I have come to terms with that. However, in February, during the large snow storm on the east coast, hubby injured himself and has been in pain ever since. I’ve managed to secure a stay-at-home job but my income potential is only building slowly, which means he still has to work.

The result is a short-tempered husband with almost no sex drive. 

I love my husband dearly, but this no sex (and his temper) are starting to take their toll. We had a huge blowout today which of course left me in tears and him feeling like a jerk. Sex causes him physical pain, but we both also believe it is essential to a healthy marriage. I don’t want to do something that causes him physical pain, but I also need my emotional needs meet in that arena. Because he is in pain 24/7 and he can’t operate his lawn equipment if he takes pain medication it’s left him more than irritable and often I get the brunt of his frustration and pain. And we don't get our reconnect time with sex because it causes him pain.

We both know this and we are actively working it out.
What I need help with, and maybe some advice, is how to survive without going emotionally downhill again until he is able to hang up his equipment for a couple of weeks and allow his body to heal so he’s no longer in so much pain.

Like I said, we both know where the problem is coming from and hopefully how to fix it, but he refuses to take the time off needed to let his body heal because we cannot afford for him not to be working. In the landscaping business there is usually a natural lull in business between the middle of October and the end of December (the last grass mow and the first snow fall) I want to try to take as much pressure off of him as possible because I know I am not helping his mood any right now.

I have no idea how else to explain this or what I really need. I have never been really good at making friends so I don’t have a lot, and the friends I do have are the type that will want to “bash” him for his foul temper at the moment. The man really is living with a lot of pain and I do admire what he is trying to do for our family, but the emotional toll right now is high. I just need a little bit of something until I can realistically make him not work for six weeks to allow his body time to heal so that it can be us against the world again instead of me and him constantly fighting because we are both feeling used and abused by each other.

What I am hoping for is a little emotional support (and advice) on how to deal without sex for a couple of months and not let his irritable mood get the better of me and what I know he feels about me.

I love my husband and need to find a way to cope for a while. I am hoping that if he doesn't have to deal with my emotional stuff right now, it might make it easier for him to deal with himself so there is a little more peace in our home until he can take a few weeks off of work without feeling like he's failing his family.

Thanks

~E


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sex is wonderful and it is important, but I wonder if you might be craving intimacy more than orgasms. I know that is the case in my situation. There might be an opportunity here. Your husband has back pain and he's irritable. You want intimate physical contact. Stuff him in the tub, wash him, and then give him a back massage. He'll feel appreciated and it might help relieve his back pain and some of his stress. I would make it clear to him that your effort isn't about sex or seduction, just showing him you appreciate him. 
It's hard to get turned on if you're angry or pressured and if my guess is right, his anger interferes with his sex drive probably more than his back pain. It's also hard to be pissed off at someone who is giving you unselfish pleasure....and it's hard not to be turned on by intimate physical contact. 
My wife has a really low sex drive and I go for long periods without. It does help (some) if I try to find other ways of expressing intimacy. I brushed my wife's hair last night and just enjoyed holding her, kissing, etc. 
Beyond that, if actual penis/vaginal intercourse hurts his back, there might be other positions that won't. There are certainly other ways to get both of you off. It might help if you try to refocus from what you can't do to what is possible. Sexual contact just plain feels good and giving a woman intense pleasure is a real ego booster for any straight man. It could be that he's anxious about being able to perform in the typical manner due to his pain. You might encourage him to use his hands, his mouth, or maybe a vibrator. If you're brutally honest with yourself, if an orgasm was your goal, you could do that yourself. I suspect you really miss the intimacy of pleasuring your man and being pleasured by him. There are many roads to that destination.


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## EynaraWolf (Aug 26, 2010)

Yes, there is a lot of intimacy missing lately. It's difficult to be intimate with a guy who isn't exactly being the Mister Charming I married. Though I am trying to understand things from his POV. He's in pain, and I know when I am in pain I can get cranky. But after a couple of months, it does get tough to deal with and my understanding goes right out the window.

I will give your ideas a try and see if it helps at all.

Thanks so much. I can't ever seem to see the "Simple" solution when I am being an emotional basket case. I don't like him being in pain and this is dragging us both down. Maybe if I can manage to keep my head above water we'll pull through with minimal damage.

He's usually the one who fixes all problems in our life. I have to pick up the ball and run with it this time, but, to be brutally honest, I've been spoiled for the last 12 years and really have no idea what I am doing, though I will make this work because he deserves it for everything he's done for me and how much he means to me.

I'll blame him for turning me into a spoiled princess. Now I just have to figure out how he manages to fix everything without making it look difficult and do the same for him. 

Any ideas are greatly appreciated. I don't want to be the wife who fell down when her husband really needed her.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I think that's actually the key to long relationships. I doubt any are true 50/50 arrangements. One is always stronger than the other. When he's down, you step up. When you're down, he should step up. You sound like a very patient, caring woman and he's very lucky to have you. Be strong. I expect it's hard to be Mr. Charming when you're back's hurting, you're worried about money, and you know your wife is unhappy and frustrated. I imagine that someone who owns a landscape business probably has a few employees that come with their own drama, too. Your husband may really want to be Mr. Charming but just doing good to keep sane at the moment. I bet things get better for you both soon. You both sound like great people.


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