# Looking back...



## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

I feel that WS got "upper hand" so to speak because in a weird way she was basically doing everything she could to split our relationship during the affair. I realize now she was trying to break up with me at the same time lying about whereabouts with OM etc.

So, while I work on the shame part of my meager, whiney, "please don't leave me" reaction to her at that time, I will say I did one thing that I have no regrets.

Even though we are in our early 40's, the night I realized OM was involved with her I called her Father (last October 2011) and told him- "hey the reason I won't be around for holidays etc. is that your daughter is having an affair- just like her mother did with you" (Her Dad divorced her Mom years and years ago because he had caught her cheating- very sore spot in family history- Mom is the scourge of the family forever.) 

The thing about it is is that her mother was known to be a w***e in a small town, and my SO _hates_ anything to do with her mother. 

So, as we had some heated times during reconciliation, I brought up how the whole thing reminded me of her Mom. Then a few times she has said (when things were calmer) "you called my Dad- everyone in my family thinks I had an affair and I didn't!" - like its MY fault that they think that. 

I have *NEVER * apologized for calling her Dad- and I NEVER will apologize. She acts incredulous to the idea that someone would think she had an affair despite all that happened. I think it is funny actually and serves her right- even if she didn't (I'm skeptical to say the least) do the nasty she shouldn't be running around with OM and lying about whereabouts.

Fast forward - she went shopping with her sister recently after not seeing her for a year (gee wonder why). Came home and says "Sister told me something Dad says and it really makes me mad". I say what did he say. She says "He told her (sister) the I had an affair - and I was just like her Mom!"- BEAUTIFUL!!!

So what are some things others of you have done that you do NOT regret??


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Bodhitree said:


> I feel that WS got "upper hand" so to speak because in a weird way she was basically doing everything she could to split our relationship during the affair. I realize now she was trying to break up with me at the same time lying about whereabouts with OM etc.
> 
> So, while I work on the shame part of my meager, whiney, "please don't leave me" reaction to her at that time, I will say I did one thing that I have no regrets.
> 
> ...


This gal is very self absorbed. 

Sorry you are here.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

You know what have no regrets for anything you do, she should have the ultimate regret for cheating on you there is nothing you could do except for cheating on her that is below anything she has done. When she or anyone else for that matter makes that decision it is the same as taking a life there is no going back, anything you did is a reaction to her actions, if she didn't want anything like what was said about her mother to be said about her then she shouldn't have even gotten close to any appearance of evil. Don't blame me for calling you dumb if you make the same mistakes as your mother did, you should have learned from her mistakes. The way any cheater can rationalize or place blame on some one else other than themselves for their behavoir is just amazing to me, David Copperfield has nothing on them.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I don't regret telling the xOM's wife. She deserved to know.

I don't regret putting his mug on cheaterville and making his life a living hell. I hope my sending the anonymous emails to his top 2 partners in the firm had something to do with him going from being a lawyer to being a salesman or an energy company. Funny enough, he now has over 820,000 hits on the page and it's the number one rank on Google when one searches his name 

I don't regret telling my wife to throw out every pair of panties and bras and that were in her drawer the next day...OR the expensive pair of boots she wore the night of Dday when she last saw him.

Come to think of it, the only thing I do regret is that I didn't jump on my Harley, ride 2 miles to the subdivision where all of our former "friends" live and knocking out the xOM's bff who blamed me for the BS divorcing the liar...I mean lawyer.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I regret many of the things I did, but not the night I recovered a year and a half of Facebook messages between her and the AP.

1 - I took my 21 year old son out on the porch (who was living with us at the time) and told him that I just found out his mother had a 2 year PA with her best friend's husband. I told him I was getting ready to go to our bedroom (she was in bed asleep) and tell her. I asked him to please take her to her mother's house (her mother had dementia and a sitter) and be with her for just tonight because I was worried about her well being. I told him she'll be out in just a few minutes. 

2 - Before I went to the bedroom, I reminded him that she had always been a great mother to him, better than I was a father, and loved him very much; but I doubted we'd still be together after tonight. He hugged me for the first time in many years.

3 - I went in the bedroom, woke her up and told her I recovered all their deleted Facebook messages. I said our son is waiting for you to pack a few things and take you to your mother's house. Please leave. I said nothing else to her and she left with my son.

At that point in time, 13 months ago, I wish I had found this site because I'm sure I would have handled things differently after that, knowing what I know now.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

badmemory said:


> I regret many of the things I did, but not the night I recovered a year and a half of Facebook messages between her and the AP.
> 
> 1 - I took my 21 year old son out on the porch (who was living with us at the time) and told him that I just found out his mother had a 2 year PA with her best friend's husband. I told him I was getting ready to go to our bedroom (she was in bed asleep) and tell her. I asked him to please take her to her mother's house (her mother had dementia and a sitter) and be with her for just tonight because I was worried about her well being. I told him she'll be out in just a few minutes.
> 
> ...


I hope you don't mind my asking, but if not, in what way would you have handled things differently?

If you don't want to answer, that is okay.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

badmemory said:


> I regret many of the things I did, but not the night I recovered a year and a half of Facebook messages between her and the AP.
> 
> 1 - I took my 21 year old son out on the porch (who was living with us at the time) and told him that I just found out his mother had a 2 year PA with her best friend's husband. I told him I was getting ready to go to our bedroom (she was in bed asleep) and tell her. I asked him to please take her to her mother's house (her mother had dementia and a sitter) and be with her for just tonight because I was worried about her well being. I told him she'll be out in just a few minutes.
> 
> ...


I think you did awesome, personally!


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

remorseful strayer said:


> I hope you don't mind my asking, but if not, in what way would you have handled things differently?
> 
> If you don't want to answer, that is okay.


I didn't wait long enough to sort things out in my mind before I agreed to R. She was only out of the house for 4 days. 

I waited too long to (completely) expose AP to his wife. He had a chance to manipulate her to the point that she doesn't even accept the evidence I sent her and even wanted to remain friends with my wife (I didn't allow that).

I didn't immediately define all my expectations for R, only later as issues came up.

I told her that I accepted some blame for her affair and told her so. I've since had to retract that.

Just a few.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I do not regret having the strength to start packing my FWW things when she started the blameshifting during the confrontation.

I do not regret having the confidence in asking her to leave.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

When I asked my WW's AP for a face to face apology he replied, in email, "You are not entitled to an apology for the way you handled the affair."

I guess I was supposed to put my head down and walk away sheepishly from the situation. NOT MY STYLE...

I sent a Christmas card to everyone in his small neighborhood letting them know who he was. He called the police and they told him FREEDOM OF SPEECH PAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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