# Bad 1st impression to his counselor



## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Told H I wanted to separate, he is going to be moving out. He is looking at an apartment this week. 

He also wanted me to find a counselor for him. So I called and was working on making his appt.. I told them the general reason for him coming(his 2 EA's) He said that for 1st visit he would really like for us both to attend so that we can "put all the cards on the table", then he would work with just him after that. ( Should be veerrry interesting).

So I made the appt for this Friday morning,, called my H and he was upset,, said he didn't want this Friday because of putting dirt down for my flower bed out front (which could wait)... wanted me to make it for April 13th..(really?) finally talked him into going the 30th instead.

So I called counselor back and told him I needed to change,, when I told him why he was not supportive of H.. he said " uhh, where are his priorities?? Sounds like you are more worried about this than he is." 

Wonder if this will affect his opinion of my H's willingness to "get help". Not a very good 1st impression I'd say.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

he is not interested.
guarantee he will have another excuse on the 30th.
i think dirt can wait.


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## par4 (Mar 8, 2012)

Some people will go thru many NOs until there spouse is willing to work on the marriage. Give it time. Im coming from experience. It took me 9 months
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

par4 said:


> Some people will go thru many NOs until there spouse is willing to work on the marriage. Give it time. Im coming from experience. It took me 9 months
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



We're in month 6. I wanted to tell the counselor about me thinking he is a narcissist as well, but figured he might come to that conclusion anyway... 

I don't think H will be able to put anything past this therapist. I hope he can find out what his real issues are . I doubt if any of it will help us get back together, but I hope he can get through his underlying issues that may help him in the future.


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## par4 (Mar 8, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> We're in month 6. I wanted to tell the counselor about me thinking he is a narcissist as well, but figured he might come to that conclusion anyway...
> 
> I don't think H will be able to put anything past this therapist. I hope he can find out what his real issues are . I doubt if any of it will help us get back together, but I hope he can get through his underlying issues that may help him in the future.


Narcissist is a term that seems to always be thrown out there. I am not sure of its validity. If he has not been with you yet i would think it would be doubtful. We went weekly but she always said it was to improve our health
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Is he lieing about what he is really doing that day? Sounds very fishy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I said NO to myself for 30 years.

I finally got in there and saw how it would benefit me. He could be scared...nervous...maybe he'll be ok once he's there.

However, since he had YOU make the appointment, he doesn't seem to invested into healing.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> Wonder if this will affect his opinion of my H's willingness to "get help". Not a very good 1st impression I'd say.


I think you're missing the point here.

You're more concerned about your therapist not approving of your husband's unwillingness to attend therapy.. the problem is that your husband is..um.. unwilling to attend therapy.

It's sort of like saying "Damn I drove my car over the guardrail and here I am mid air and we're not going to touch down until we drop about a 100 feet" and thinking to yourself "I wonder if my mechanic is going to be pissed off that he's going to have a lot of front end work to do when we bring the car in to the shop".


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

He's already said that he doesn't need someone telling him that what he did was wrong " I already know that" is his words.

Says he expects them to be married, because "how can someone who isn't married tell people how to help their marriage"

He is going into this thinking he can just go through the motions and the counselor won't be able to see through him... just to make me think he's willing to change. 

I do believe he is adamant that other than hiding contact with the other women, he hasn't done anything else wrong in our relationship.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> He's already said that he doesn't need someone telling him that what he did was wrong " I already know that" is his words.
> 
> Says he expects them to be married, because "how can someone who isn't married tell people how to help their marriage"
> 
> ...


I do believe the therapy isn't going to do any good at all.

It only works for people who want to fix what's broken and who are willing to acknowledge their own mistakes. 

He's just not going there and you are not dealing with the reality of the situation because you're placing all the emphasis on whether or not he'll "fool the therapist" or "make a good impression". 

This isn't a contest, there aren't any winners. Only losers.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

hisfac said:


> I do believe the therapy isn't going to do any good at all.
> 
> It only works for people who want to fix what's broken and who are willing to acknowledge their own mistakes.
> 
> ...


I believe the therapy isn't going to work either.. that's why I said what I did.

And yes you're right,,, "no winners, only losers" that's why after 10 years we have separated and our marriage is just about over... 


I never said it was a contest, and yes I do understand the "reality" of it... I just know how my H can lie so smoothly, as I found out lies he told me 12 years ago, and he still sticks by those lies to this day. He actually "believes" his own lies. And that everyone else is to blame and out to get him. 

I just posted how the therapist reacted to my H behavior and had not even met or spoke to him yet. So I will be so relieved if someone finally can get through to him after so many years of *him* emotionally controlling the situation.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> So I will be so relieved if someone finally can get through to him after so many years of *him* emotionally controlling the situation.


That's not going to happen.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

"Reality",, I don't think so either, but can always hope for his sake... 

I think he will more than likely just quit going after the first couple times.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> "Reality",, I don't think so either, but can always hope for his sake...


You're aren't hoping for his sake you're hoping for your sake. It's not about him and what's good for him, it's about you. And that's understandable but it's not going to do you any good. 

This is where you aren't completely in touch with the reality of the situation, thinking it's all about what he needs for his own good. You're really not that altruistic, you want to save your relationship, you want the lightbulb to suddenly come on in his head, you want him to say "honey you were so right and I just never saw it until right now" and for him to come running into your arms and the two of you living happily ever after.

Like I said, not gonna happen. The sooner you accept it and move on, the better off you will be.

Stop waiting for the lightbulb to come on, the filament is shot and no matter how much juice you pump up his ass it's not going to register in the synapses.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I know our marriage is over. I _am_ hoping for him to get better.

I've been doing a lot of reading on codependency, that's what my counselor suggested.

She said, with what I've told her, there has been some emotional abuse, so it's going to take me a while to "break free" from wanting to act out the "caretaking role".

I don't call him, and I limit our calls if he calls me.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> I know our marriage is over. I _am_ hoping for him to get better.
> 
> I've been doing a lot of reading on codependency, that's what my counselor suggested.
> 
> ...


Well, if you know the marriage is over, and you accept that you have codependency issues that need work, let's try a simple exercise.

Rather than "I hope he gets better" let's rephrase and refocus. 

Repeat after me

"I don't give a rat's ass whether or not he gets better, he's not my problem any more".

Rinse and repeat.

As many times as necessary to get it to finally sink in.


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

par4 said:


> Narcissist is a term that seems to always be thrown out there. I am not sure of its validity.


I think that word is used because it sounds better than the accurate word: Selfish.


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## PeachBug (Feb 8, 2012)

This reminds me of my situation... It just took me way longer and two counselling avoidances on his part for me to realize, "This isn't going to work". Our problems are based on emotional abuse and neglect... And he refuses to hear he's done it. The first sessions, he went twice, then said I had to deal with my issues- and he never made another appointment. 4 months later, a fight and me leaving with kids, he begs me to retry counselling. Goes twice... Once with me. A second couple's session was made, we had another fight two days before it... He sends me 23 texts the day before the meeting on why he thinks he can't go. I first said no, we're going, but as he sent more and more.... I told him it was his decision, I wont make them for him anymore.
Next day, I get to the counselor's after work... Waiting... And waiting...
He never comes.

Counselor says he's made choices he needs to live with. By doing what he did, not even calling her after all that hmming and hawing over going... He's selfish and stubborn, and disrespected both her and me with his decision. Her biggest question that day: "What does it say to you with this? That he didnt want to come to the session he asked you for? I can only help who's here. If he doesnt want to come... He doesnt want the help."
I'm now looking for apartments with my kids.
His decisions lately, if he realizes or not, have killed us.

He doesnt like to be called out. If asked why he did things, its "I guess I wasnt thinking".

Selfish ignorance...
Maybe its time for me to be selfish too and stop playing mommy to three. I only have 2 babies... Not a spare 30 yr old one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What I don't understand is why it was your responsibility to set him up with a counselor. Either he wants to work on things, or he doesn't. If he wants to work on things, then he should be taking ownership of his own stuff, including finding and setting up his own appointments. What are you, his administrative assistant? Or is he just being totally passive aggressive on this?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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