# What do I do now



## amricngrl (Jan 26, 2010)

My husband came home for lunch from work today and I could just tell there was something on his mind. I kept pestering him about it till he started crying saying we needed to talk (great) I asked if he lost his job, he said no and then I asked if he cheated on me, to which he replied "before we were married". (we've been married for 2 years) He said 3 years ago before we were married he had gone with his friend (who I have NEVER liked and who is/was married at the time) to an asian massage parlor and when they tried to give him a "happy ending" he didn't say no. 

Talking about it further I found out this happened when we were engaged. He was very remorseful and said he couldnt keep lying and that it was eating at him every day for the past 3 years, and he had to tell me. I've never seen him cry like that before, and I just sat there silent. I told him since he was coming clean he might as well offer up anything else he wanted to admit to because nothing could top that. He said he went to a strip club once when we were engaged, and had looked at porn a couple times since we've been married, and that was it.

What do I do. I didn't enter into marriage lightly. It was before we were married so I don't consider it adultry, but he still cheated! I feel so so blank inside. Like I feel like today has been a dream. I didn't yell or really cry hard (just like silent tears). I DID NOT see this coming.

I guess I'm just looking for advice and support.


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## amricngrl (Jan 26, 2010)

Also, has anyone else had a spouse cheat while you were engaged and then tell you years down the road after you were married?


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

I'd honestly look at the fact that he brought this information to you. It is something that he seems to clearly regret - and perhaps allowed himself to 'go there' because he wasn't actually married. 

Emotionally I can understand the shock - you think you know someone then, bang. But that he's come to you and seems to have expressed such regret is a very good sign. 

I come from a very hurtful 10 year deception during marriage. It kills. But I don't mean to minimize your experience. 

Perhaps you could go to marriage counseling and find out if when he did these things he was doing them because of 'stress' or 'resentment' - were they in anyway related to his feelings about you. In my case my H was both - and he desperately wanted to hurt me (he later told me himself). Yours truly sound like they do not relate to you?

As life goes on more life stresses grow - kids, money, parents health. If in your early start there is an issue around that, it could get worse if its not clear. 
Make sense? Good luck.


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## amricngrl (Jan 26, 2010)

It does make sense. Thank you so much for your advice. I do think he is truly sorry, the past 2 weeks he has been just...well..down I guess and he said it had just built up to a point where he HAD to tell me, and I even told him it was good that he told me. Thank you very much, and I think we may look into counceling. Good luck to you too.


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## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

Good luck. It sounds like he is a relatively good man that had an indescretion early on...and while he did not tell you immediately, he did tell you. You did not find out, he did not have to tell you..and although a bit selfish, he told you because he truly was hurting by it. It does not sound like anything happened during your marriage and therefore he is not an adulterer...It seems that (since you did not reflect otherwise) he treats you well and you did not see it coming would indicate that everything was good before he told you this information. 

Remember the good points, do not hold this. I know it hurts, but it is over 3 years old. Yes counselling may do good; especially if he held that in for so long...wish you the best of luck. I hope your relationship continues to grow and flourish for many years to come. **think of the little things that you don't really pay attention to...your communication base is so strong that he felt ok bringing this to you and talking about it etc. work from a point of positivity....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I can think of a lot worse things a husband can do, than succumb to a massage hooker while engaged. Not to minimize it, but if that's the worst he's done, you probably have a decent chance for a good marriage. Discuss it, and then move on.


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