# advice please...



## skers (Feb 5, 2013)

I have been married 26 years. My wife has been very reserved when it comes to my sexuality. For all these years she blamed me and made me feel I had a problem because I would want sex more often than 2 or 3 times a month (some months none at all). This had driven deep resentment in me towards her. Last summer I met a woman on the internet and became sexually active. She fell in love with me and me with her; it is a love neither of us has ever felt. This affair has gone on for 6 months now. My partner and I have talked at great lengths about when I would tell my wife I wanted out of the marriage. My partner has been getting impatient with me. In the past few weeks me wife has , out of the blue, developed an incredible desire for sex (due to meds she started taking a few months back she thinks) my partner has taken this as a sign I will now never leave and has ended the affair even though she loves me and I her. The sex with my wife is daily now however after so many years of resentment I find no fulfillment or joy in it. My problem is should I pursue my partner or let her go and see if there is any hope in my feelings of love returning for my wife (she has no idea about our affair). I feel I have lost the only woman who has ever loved me and I have been in love with is gone and I am stuck with my wife. I have told my wife that I am glad she has the sexual desire and that it hurt me over the last 26 years that she blamed me and made me feel I had a problem. Also I am not sure how long this change will last with me wife. I have a 16 year old daughter and a 12 year old son that was holding me back from leaving my wife and pursuing this other woman. so complicated, I feel like a hole was blasted threw me when my partner messaged me a few days ago that she cannot be with me and and no longer can wait for me due to the pain of my wife's changes. Any thoughts would be comforting at this point. I don't need to be preached to..


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

Let your affair partner go...resolve things with your wife first. Come clean and tell your wife all your bad behaviors and give her the opportunity to decide what is right for her and the children.

By being honest with your wife it will begin the process of lifting the "fog" you are in. It will bring you back to the reality of your life and actions. You are not going to like the person you see in the mirror. Would you want your children to grow up like you and treat their spouses they way you have treated your wife?

Come on...step up...do the right thing...now is the time...stop living a lie.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

While it obviously sucked that your wife wasn't as active as you deserved, that still isn't a valid reason to have an affair. Honestly, if it truly was that big of a deal, you maybe could have talked to her about it in marriage counseling. 

But nope. You did what so many people do. You checked out of your marriage and hopped right into bed with someone else.

And now...your wife has "come around" due to her meds and you are the one feeling resentment?!! If you don't come clean to your wife and decide to continue your marriage, it's gonna be a whole lot worse when she finds out. And she will find out. They always find out.

You want comforting thoughts and not being preached at? Well, man...I think you've come to the wrong place. We ain't gonna beat you over the head with the Bible...but maybe a 2x4. Do you somehow think you don't deserve that?


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## skers (Feb 5, 2013)

oh I deserve it..... it was wrong and now the women I had the affair with is hurting very bad because she loved me so and doesn't think I will leave....yea I deserve it....


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Well, then you have a mighty big decision on your hands. The only question I would ask is why are you staying with your wife if you resent her so much? Hell, if you love your affair partner, divorce your wife and go be with her. THAT would be honest.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

You will get over it.


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## skers (Feb 5, 2013)

It is very hard though as we saw each other almost every day for six months and we are In love with each other.
I feel bad also that she is hurt so bad. Everything I have read says to walk away and never see or communicate with her again but that is easier said than done. Is there anyone who has dons this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## skers (Feb 5, 2013)

Next question is should I fill my wife in on me affair ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Your love is not special or unique. It is an affair. Read some threads for the outcome of them


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Food for thought...you should look up the statistics on the success rate of relationships that start as affairs...it'abysmal how low it is. One of the thigs to think about it if you do stay with the OW how will she ever know for sure you will not cheat on her....she will always wonder what if something happens and he decides I'm not good enough or sex isn't exciting enough. You don't have "trust", you have already shown yourself as untrustworthy. People never really think this through, relationships first and formost are based on trust. 

You gave up when you should have been trying to find out why she had no sex drive...go to the doctors, counceling, sex therapist. .something!

First thing I would recommend is deal with your marriage first. Go to MC and try to work it out. If the OW really loves you she will respect your efforts and decision. Love is not selfish, you have messed up two womens lives because of your selfishness and unwillingness to deal with your marriage first befor starting another relationship. If you really care for the other women, let her go you were never available to be in that relationship to start with.

You have commitments to your wife and kids first that you should focus. Do you really want to show your kids the example that when things get tough you should just abandon your love ones.

Sorry if I seem blunt my story is even uglier than yours but I didn'bail out. I may not have the marriage I want but I have my selfrespect and I know I have given it my best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

skers said:


> Next question is should I fill my wife in on me affair ?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Make sure that you have at least 8 hours of alone time. No interruptions. You let your wife know that you need to talk to her and that it is urgent that you do so.

Do not sugar coat _ANYTHING_ at all. Don't give her just a little of the truth. Give her the entirety. It's what she deserves. Do not for a moment think that by you not telling everything that you are sparing her feelings. That trickle truth is the worst thing you can do to your betrayed spouse.

Answer whatever questions she has and do NOT blame her lack of sex as a reason for your cheating. You are 100% responsible for your actions. She is responsible for 50% of the marriage and bears no responsibility for your choice to go outside the marriage.


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

skers said:


> oh I deserve it..... it was wrong and now the women I had the affair with is hurting very bad because she loved me so and doesn't think I will leave....yea I deserve it....


She's just going to have to yank up her big girl panties and get over it. How old does one have to be to learn the lesson: Play with fire, get burned. 

You call her the love of your life. I call her a loser with zero values who can't do better than to climb into bed with another woman's husband. 

Have a little pride, man!


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

skers said:


> Next question is should I fill my wife in on me affair ?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Absolutely. Are you a liar by nature? Do you have a problem with telling the truth? Why WOULDN'T you tell her - the woman you vowed to honor and care for through thick or thin? 

(Note: I'm tweaking you, here. I know you're going to want to hide your affair because you're afraid you'll lose your wife AND your Easy Lay Other Woman. Here's where you need to Man Up, sir. Are you going to weasel out and hide your affair and live a lie with your wife? I'll be interested to see. Just so you know - a LOT of marriages are 100% better after healing from an affair because the spouses realize how much they neglected the marriage. BE ONE OF THEM.)


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## raging_pain (Dec 8, 2012)

26 years!!!!!


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

sker, read these stats, and just think about what the chances really are that you and this other "woman" have a real go at this.

14 Surprising Facts about Marriage, Affairs & Divorce - iVillage 

Also, ask yourself this: Is a woman that is perfectly willing to break up another woman's 26 year marriage and family really a good choice for a partner?

What would you think about another man doing this to you, your marriage, and your family?


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

skers said:


> oh I deserve it..... it was wrong and now the women I had the affair with is hurting very bad because she loved me so and doesn't think I will leave....yea I deserve it....


Once you tell your wife about your affair, causing her to feel an unthinkable pain, this is what you should say (repeated from above).......

Oh, I deserve it.......it was wrong and MY WIFE is hurting very bad because she loved me so and didn't think I would leave......yea i deserve it.....


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Yes, you owe it to your wife to be completely forthright and honest with her. 

She has the right to know that you have exposed her to STD's. 

And she has the right to decide if she wants to remain married to a man that could break her heart so cavalierly, a man who would stupidly risk his family, health and everything you have built together for an sexual relationship created in the fantasy of affairland. 

Talk about selfish, if I was her I would tell you GTFO but that's the way I am.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

skers said:


> I
> I feel bad also that she is hurt so bad. Everything I have read says to walk away and never see or communicate with her again but that is easier said than done. Is there anyone who has dons this?


If you read this is becuse is what people does, all the f0cking time.
Stop cake eating.
Go NC (No Contact), block her of any means of comunication, get rid of reminders, mementoes. You are not going to die. It will hurt but it shall pass.

And confess.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Who was it who hurt your wife? Who was it who hurt your lover? Oh! That'd be you, then!

You now have to fix the mess you made.


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## skers (Feb 5, 2013)

Thank you for all you words of wisdom.
I would like to hear from those who have actually been in my shoes and let me know what was gained by putting your wife through the pain of knowing what you did?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

skers said:


> Thank you for all you words of wisdom.
> I would like to hear from those who have actually been in my shoes and let me know *what was gained* by putting your wife through the pain of knowing what you did?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not in your shoes, but 2 things come to mind...

1) She gets to know the truth about her life and marriage.

2) You don't have to carry around the guilt and shame alone. (Believe me, it WILL eat you alive..inside, then out)

You can't have a successful marriage until there is complete openness and honesty between the husband and wife. It simply can't be done. That should be enough motivation for you.

Alright.....just do the right thing dammit! When did that stop being enough reason for you. Oh, I know. When you met *her*.

Unless, of course, you were always like this and if so, we're just wasting our time here.

Grow the fvck up!


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

You should be honest with your wife. She may want you to leave in which case you can be with your AP.

But you should at least give your wife the opportunity to decide if she still wants to have sex with you. By hiding your affair, you're not giving her the chance to kick you to the curb. That's not fair.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

skers said:


> Thank you for all you words of wisdom.
> I would like to hear from those who have actually been in my shoes and let me know *what was gained by* putting your wife through the pain of *knowing what you did*?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly this. Making her know what her life is, delivering all the relevant info to make informed decisions. It about not being a puppet, played, living in the matrix.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

skers said:


> Thank you for all you words of wisdom.
> I would like to hear from those who have actually been in my shoes and let me know what was gained by putting your wife through the pain of knowing what you did?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sooner or later she is going to find out. You are not sparing her any pain by deceiving her. She is living a lie. You don't want her to find out from someone else.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

I have the perfect suggestion.

Tell your wife the whole truth.

Then when she is done processing what you have to say, hand her a copy of your original post so that she can read it.


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## skers (Feb 5, 2013)

Again, thank ALL of you for your advice....
I have never done this before (affair).
The other woman is not to blame, I pursued her, she has some serious health issues, rheumatoid arthritis, Sjogrens syndrome, Restless legs syndrome and celiac disease along with all the other complications that accompany these autoimmune diseases. 
thus she is not the hot woman that a typical man would have a affair with. She is beautiful to me and loves me like no on else has.
But your comments are bringing clarity for me as you guys are the only people I have talked to who know of it. She has told some of her friends and grown children who all have told her she is making a big mistake being with me telling her I will never leave my wife.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

skers said:


> The other woman is not to blame, I pursued her, she has some serious health issues, rheumatoid arthritis, Sjogrens syndrome, Restless legs syndrome and celiac disease along with all the other complications that accompany these autoimmune diseases.
> thus she is not the hot woman that a typical man would have a affair with. She is beautiful to me and loves me like no on else has.
> .


Because your wife never loved you like that when she married you 26 years ago?

Think about this........Perhaps the reason this OW is giving you such adoration is because of her health problems and she doesn't get such an offer every day. She sees you as a knight in shining armor and maybe you see yourself that way too.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

skers said:


> Again, thank ALL of you for your advice....
> I have never done this before (affair).
> The other woman is not to blame, I pursued her, she has some serious health issues, rheumatoid arthritis, Sjogrens syndrome, Restless legs syndrome and celiac disease along with all the other complications that accompany these autoimmune diseases.
> thus she is not the hot woman that a typical man would have a affair with. She is beautiful to me and *loves me like no on else has.*
> But your comments are bringing clarity for me as you guys are the only people I have talked to who know of it. She has told some of her friends and grown children who all have told her she is making a big mistake being with me telling her I will never leave my wife.


Other than your wife...although her afflictions seem to be solved and serving you *very* well.

How long before the afflictions in your adultery partner become an obstacle you can't overcome?


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## skers (Feb 5, 2013)

SaltinWound,
That's what I think my biggest problem is I care too much about her "problems" and want to be there for her (her knight)
My heart has hardened toward my wife over all these years and this woman presented me an opportunity to be loved and to give my love to.


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## skers (Feb 5, 2013)

3putt,
She has told me she worries that she can not do everything I am used to and I will not want her as her diseases progress.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

skers said:


> 3putt,
> She has told me she worries that she can not do everything I am used to and I will not want her as her diseases progress.


Like I said, she has these problems and that could be causing her to pour the attention a little stronger for fear of losing you......maybe not so much because she likes who you are, but because she has a special circumstance that most men would try to avoid. And you say you hardened to your wife over the years because of her own health condition. Obviously this OW has multiple problems which are going to cause sexual problems. What then? Repeating history, only someone different.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

skers said:


> oh I deserve it..... it was wrong and now the women I had the affair with is hurting very bad because she loved me so and doesn't think I will leave....yea I deserve it....


Sorry, I can find it in me to feel sorry for a woman who chose to have an affair with a married father of two. That's nasty and shows she has no empathy for others such as your wife or kids.


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## StillLife (Jan 19, 2013)

skers said:


> SaltinWound,
> That's what I think my biggest problem is I care too much about her "problems" and want to be there for her (her knight)
> My heart has hardened toward my wife over all these years and this woman presented me an opportunity to be loved and to give my love to.


Skers, I can sympathize with the resentment that comes from sexual rejection. I have only been married to my wife 3 years (dated for 2) and there were points where we would go weeks and months without sex. I would feel so much resentment inside, because I was struggling to do my best to be a good husband, but not getting the MAIN thing I needed to feel love in the marriage. I can't even begin to imagine what living through 26 years of that would have been like.

I don't blame my marital situation for this, but a woman I worked with for several years and would talk to regularly, broke up from a long relationship, and suddenly our conversations started getting a bit too intimate. We eventually ended up in a light emotional affair (I would only talk to her at work) and ended up kissing. I realized right when it happened that it was wrong and I didn't want to be that person or do that to my family. I think I justified the line crossing in the beginning thinking of the fact my wife had been in an online EA when we were dating, and the rejection I felt, but the bottom line is I made a horrible decision and it was all on me.

If you are/were that miserable...what would have been the honorable thing to do? You should have either pushed for marriage counseling, which is something I did, or you should have asked her for a separation and cited your reasons, eventually divorcing if she did not see how serious of a problem it was. You didn't choose either of those roads my friend. You chose the route of a selfish scoundrel and dirtied yourself up terribly in the process. The other woman and your wife too.

You have an opportunity to regain some of that honor by doing the right thing and ending the affair and confessing to your wife, or, at the least, deal with your shame and let your wife free to find someone who will honor a relationship with her. Yeah, either road is going to be hard and uncomfortable as hell, but all the parties involved, including yourself, deserve at least one of those things.

Pay attention to what people have said to you about affair fogs. You are deep in one. That woman I talked to at work I thought I had such strong feelings for? I don't talk to her anymore, even though my wife and I are separated after having found out about a 2nd affair of hers in our marriage (3rd in our relationship) that she's still deep in the fog of. I just realized there was never any real interest or attraction there, I just had chemicals in my brain firing and craved the attention she gave me. You will get there too. Start getting your dignity and honor back now though.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

skers said:


> 3putt,
> She has told me she worries that she can not do everything I am used to and I will not want her as her diseases progress.


I understand this is tough for you, but this is your bed to lie in. This is on you...and frankly, you should be quite ashamed of yourself giving this OW hope that you didn't have the right to give as a married man, regardless of the reasons. Oh, I know...dis, dat, and udder ting.

I actually kind of feel bad for her. I really do..and for you as well to a degree. However, you got yourself into this. No one but you. It's time to put an end to this, and now. You are doing this OW NO favors whatsoever by allowing her to cling to what you know you can't deliver long term. You know you can't...don't you? Hell, we can see it just by your words.

You have a wife and a family. You need to do the right thing, and get back on track with the woman to which you said "I do", "to have and to hold", *"forsaking all others"* 'til death do us part.

Remember those vows?

As a man, you're only as good as your word.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Sorry, I can find it in me to feel sorry for a woman who chose to have an affair with a married father of two. That's nasty and shows she has no empathy for others such as your wife or kids.


And I sort of get the feeling she is using her illnesses to gain sympathy to sway his decision favorably in her direction. Add to that the fact that she is showing signs of being impatient, expecting him to make a decision quickly. I wonder how many of these conversations about him leaving his wife was initiated by her. I wonder if she really has all those diseases.


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## skers (Feb 5, 2013)

Saltinwound
I have never got the feeling she has used he illness, and she does have it as her bad days ate heartbreaking. Her pressure for me to leave and start a life with her is her fear that she does not have that many good days left in her life and wants us to be together for the good days.
But all you guys/gals have done much to lift the " fog" from my eyes. Remember she was the one who broke the affair off with me and has requested I make no contact with her so she can heal from me and move on with her life.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

skers said:


> Remember she was the one who broke the affair off with me and has requested I make no contact with her so she can heal from me and move on with her life.....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


True, but she could have done that to get you to make a decision. You have confessed your love for her and discussed leaving your wife. You were moving too slow, so if she (OW) cuts it off with you, it could be a test to see if you pursue her. You need to focus on your wife. I sense you are already rewriting marital history.


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## skers (Feb 5, 2013)

SaltInWound said:


> True, but she could have done that to get you to make a decision. You have confessed your love for her and discussed leaving your wife. You were moving too slow, so if she (OW) cuts it off with you, it could be a test to see if you pursue her. You need to focus on your wife. I sense you are already rewriting marital history.


I don't think she is testing me as she asked me to please leave her alone when I texted her the other night.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

skers said:


> I don't think she is testing me as she asked me to please leave her alone when I texted her the other night.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Focus your time and energy on your wife. Figure out how you are going to come clean with what you have done to her.


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## skers (Feb 5, 2013)

You are so correct but first I need to come clean with what i have done to myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

skers said:


> You are so correct but first I need to come clean with what i have done to myself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not to sound hokey, but you need to climb a mountain. I'm not talking figuratively, either. I know it might be impossible depending upon where you live, but even a hike would do you well. My first wife cheated on me, too...f'ng awesome ain't it?! LOL Anyways, I tried to reconcile with her, gave her one more chance and she f'ng blew it. At first I didn't know what to do. Then I hiked a portion of the Appalachian Trail solo. No distractions for 2 days. In the end, I was able to reconcile with _myself_ and decide it was time for me to leave.

You need to come to grips with you. I get that. I'm not the wayward, but I am a human being. We've all done sh-t that we aren't proud of. Don't go down the George Costanza road where "it's not a lie if you believe it".

Love means you would lay your life down for the other in an instant. Without hesitation or fear. Complete self_less_ness.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

skers said:


> oh I deserve it..... it was wrong and now the women I had the affair with is hurting very bad because she loved me so and doesn't think I will leave....yea I deserve it....


You said you feel like the only woman that ever loved you left...do you not think your wife loves you? I mean really?!? Would she be with you if she didnt love you?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I'm going against the grain here.

I'm going to go ahead and say after 26 years of a sexless marriage he was pushed away. Murderers get less time than that.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

skers said:


> She is beautiful to me and loves me like no on else has.
> 
> I cant for the life of me make sense of this...did your wife not love you and was everything not rainbows and sunshine in the first 6 mos of your relationship with your wife? You clearly wouldnt have married her if you didnt feel like SHE loved you like no one else has.
> 
> ...


I guess her friends forgot to remind her how pathetic it makes her look to be messing with a married man who has children at home.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

sinnister said:


> I'm going against the grain here.
> 
> I'm going to go ahead and say after 26 years of a sexless marriage he was pushed away. Murderers get less time than that.


He always had the choice to leave during those 26 years unlike a murder. No life was taken here, he chose to be there AND he chose to have children.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

sinnister said:


> I'm going against the grain here.
> 
> I'm going to go ahead and say after 26 years of a sexless marriage he was pushed away. Murderers get less time than that.


Like Shaggy said, and I said in one of my first posts - it sucks what this dude has gone through with a sexless marriage, but that should have maybe been taken care of...I don't know...like 20 years ago!

Why stay married to _that_?!?!! Seriously. I would have divorced her a long damn time ago and had a much better sex life. But he chose a different path. And not a popular one with the masses.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Exactly, he should have addressed it with his wife. I have read several threads by guys that's have not had sex for YEARS but still remained faithful. 
He says they were having sex 2 or 3 times a month, sometimes none at all. What flipped the switch after 26 years, what made it okay for you to pursue another woman. 
I would really like to hear your wife's view of the marriage.


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## rasana (Feb 6, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> Why stay married to _that_?!?!! Seriously. I would have divorced her a long damn time ago and had a much better sex life. But he chose a different path. And not a popular one with the masses.


*2-3 times a month is not nothing. *

I do not think this answer is appropriate and it is not respectful to women. What you refer to 'that' is a person with feelings, a woman. Are we just marrying for sex? 
Also, we do not really know the real reason why she did not want sex before. My husband, for one, although he gets sex almost every day, he is not so good at it, and I can imagine not being terribly inspired and not wanting to do it very often if even more is lacking. Perhaps she was also overworked and tired, which lowers the libido. Still, this is something to be discussed with a counselor.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

I'm always amazed at how WS find their feelings when it comes time to confess. It's either their strong feelings for the AP or their strong feelings for the BS which prevents their confession. 

Why can't they think about these feelings BEFORE they stray?

C'mon. The primary motives for straying are selfish. And the reasons for not confessing are equally selfish.

Skers - I feel for you but this is a predicament that you made yourself. Your wife, as well as your AP need you to come clean. You've been fence sitting for too long and you need to hop off one way or the other.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I would confess in front of a marriage counselor. You both will need the support of a neutral person when the bomb drops.

Are you sure she doesn't know about the affair and is just forcing herself to up the sex because she does not want to loose you ?

She might have caught something you said or read something you sent. People get sloppy as affairs go on. My wife couldn't hide 50 calls a day on her cell phone bill.


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## skers (Feb 5, 2013)

rasana said:


> *2-3 times a month is not nothing. *
> 
> I do not think this answer is appropriate and it is not respectful to women. What you refer to 'that' is a person with feelings, a woman. Are we just marrying for sex?
> Also, we do not really know the real reason why she did not want sex before. My husband, for one, although he gets sex almost every day, he is not so good at it, and I can imagine not being terribly inspired and not wanting to do it very often if even more is lacking. Perhaps she was also overworked and tired, which lowers the libido. Still, this is something to be discussed with a counselor.


I tend to agree with you, that was not appropriate. we all do things for different reasons, and I held out in this marriage for my own.


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## skers (Feb 5, 2013)

Hardtohandle,
No she knows nothing of the affair. She attributes her new desire for me as from her meds she started taking two months ago. It is strange how literally the meds kicked in overnight.
I talked to her last night about how I built up a wall over the years from the rejections of my advances and the comments that I was not normal. I told her I love her but I am not "in love" with her. she admitted that she had done the same and had even prepared herself mentally should I move out.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

skers said:


> Hardtohandle,
> No she knows nothing of the affair. She attributes her new desire for me as from her meds she started taking two months ago. It is strange how literally the meds kicked in overnight.
> I talked to her last night about how I built up a wall over the years from the rejections of my advances and the comments that I was not normal. I told her I love her but I am not "in love" with her. she admitted that she had done the same and had even prepared herself mentally should I move out.


Now that the sex is up in frequency - are you enjoying it? Is your wife? Has this affected your choice?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

skers said:


> I tend to agree with you, that was not appropriate. we all do things for different reasons, *and I held out in this marriage for my own*.


No...actually you didn't hold out. You cheated on your wife. The honest man would have walked.

Good luck. I'm over this thread. NEXT!!


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Been there done thay...had an diagnosed thyroid tumor. All of a sudden after 10yrs of marriage I went from a health sex drive 3 to 5 times a week, to no sex drive at all! 6 months we had very little sex at all...husband could tell I had no sex drive and didn't like it just one way..went to counseling and everything..nothing helped. A car accident and resulting CT scan showed the tumor. Got the tumor removed ans new meds...sex drive came back immediately. I was fortunate I realized there was something wrong, I knew what health sex drive was like before hand. 

Just thought you might like to know that health issues can really effect you this way. I don't know your wifes story but my guess is she has always known it was her issue and lashed out at you because your the only person she. You know a person usually lash out a the person we love the most when we are confused and hurt. I am not making excuses for her, just giving you a differeny perspective.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## skers (Feb 5, 2013)

Cedarmn,
It's hard to "enjoy" the sex with all the baggage. So much of sex is in the mind that processing this sudden change is very difficult. She is totally consumed by the sex and enjoys it even to the point of ordering sex pillows for us.
Has it changed my mind? it has really confused the issue.....at times I'm pissed off that now she has this sudden crazy drive. 
3 weeks ago, doggy style was out of the question, she said it hurt her and didn't want it, now she love it...can meds do that? It's all to weird right now. What if her "switch" gets turned off in a month or two?


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Please quit playing your wife. Tell her the truth, not trickle truth. You at right on cue following the cheaters script saying ILYBNILWY. 
Tell her....Tell her....Tell her....Tell her.....Tell her....Tell her....


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

skers said:


> Cedarmn,
> It's hard to "enjoy" the sex with all the baggage. So much of sex is in the mind that processing this sudden change is very difficult. She is totally consumed by the sex and enjoys it even to the point of ordering sex pillows for us.
> Has it changed my mind? it has really confused the issue.....at times I'm pissed off that now she has this sudden crazy drive.
> 3 weeks ago, doggy style was out of the question, she said it hurt her and didn't want it, now she love it...can meds do that? It's all to weird right now. What if her "switch" gets turned off in a month or two?


What if she knows about the OW and is trying to reel you back in with sex?


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

skers said:


> Cedarmn,
> It's hard to "enjoy" the sex with all the baggage. So much of sex is in the mind that processing this sudden change is very difficult. She is totally consumed by the sex and enjoys it even to the point of ordering sex pillows for us.
> Has it changed my mind? it has really confused the issue.....at times I'm pissed off that now she has this sudden crazy drive.
> 
> ...


Please read my thread...yes it definately can effect your sex drive. Talk to the doctor they can verify. I know that if it is thyroid or hormone theraphy it is a big YES. It took months to get the dosage correct for me 20 yrs later still got a great sex drive and even more once I hit my 40's.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wtf2012 (Oct 22, 2012)

I think if you tell you wife, she will tell you to leave.

I think by telling your wife, you will be default choosing your AP. 

I think once your AP has you committed to her, the sex will dry up. (Health reasons plus the normal bait and switch). I don't think she will be the prize or soul mate you think she is. I don't think there is the "one." Hell you found love twice in your life (even though you want to minimize your feelings towards your wife from early in your marriage.)

I was a betrayed spouse, but think long and hard about taking the typical confess to your wife advice. 

26 years of rejection and limited sex is a loooooong time. I have no idea how you made it as long as you did. That doesn't mean you had the right to cheat, but damn I bet there was some real relief in the affair.

It sounds like you almost have the kids raised. Think about them before confessing. 

Does your wife have a right to know? Absolutely. Is that the best course action for you, her, or your kids? Debateable.

Are you selfish? Yes. You should think about how to change this going forward. Are you a liar? Absolutely. You ok with that?

I have learned that life is gray, not black and white. I would be careful when acting on the advice you get here. There is a huge bias from the betrayed spouse contigency and a whole lot of black and white thinkers.

You got yourself in a pickle, but at least you are finally getting laid! 

You sure your wife isn't having EA? Sounds like someone else might be revving her engine.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

skers said:


> Cedarmn,
> It's hard to "enjoy" the sex with all the baggage. So much of sex is in the mind that processing this sudden change is very difficult. She is totally consumed by the sex and enjoys it even to the point of ordering sex pillows for us.
> Has it changed my mind? it has really confused the issue.....at times I'm pissed off that now she has this sudden crazy drive.
> 3 weeks ago, doggy style was out of the question, she said it hurt her and didn't want it, now she love it...can meds do that? It's all to weird right now. What if her "switch" gets turned off in a month or two?


Well, up until just a week ago he was still enjoying sex with the OW. And they are so in wuv that yeah sex with the wife is just meh.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Copied from another recent thread...it bears repeating. 

Posted by Alte Dame:

Re: wife says she never fit in
I was about to reflexively write that this is an interesting thread, but then I realized that I don't think it's interesting. I think OP has a real problem and that the discussion has degenerated and become counterproductive because a new member has just registered for Infidelity 101 but hasn't done the required reading.

To repeat what we all know: Human behavior shows tremendous commonality because we are all members of the same species. Infidelity is a behavior just like any other that we can study, observe, experience & generalize on. The patterns, what here is called 'the script,' reflect the set of expected behaviors on the part of cheaters and betrayeds that is well vetted by experts in the field of human infidelity and seen ad infinitum by the people in this forum. Insisting that seat-of-the-pants advice is equally helpful is itself not helpful to anyone who comes here looking for help.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

skers said:


> Hardtohandle,
> No she knows nothing of the affair. She attributes her new desire for me as from her meds she started taking two months ago. It is strange how literally the meds kicked in overnight.
> I talked to her last night about how I built up a wall over the years from the rejections of my advances and the comments that I was not normal. I told her I love her but I am not "in love" with her. she admitted that she had done the same and had even prepared herself mentally should I move out.


You think your approach is smooth, but you are trying to blame her for your decision to have the affair. And you are trickling. You made your feelings known, but you still have not told her the truth of the affair and just how close you have come to leaving her for this OW. And when you do.....and you must tell her EVERYTHING and make sure you don't leave anything out (which is why I suggested giving her a copy of your original post on this thread). By trickling here with the "I love you but not in love with you" and later dropping the affair bomb down the road, it is going to be worse for you, because her first reaction is going to probably be asking you "Why didn't you tell me this the other night when we were being honest about our feelings?" And she is going to wonder what else you are keeping from her and then the fallout. We tried to warn you to come clean at once. You are only trying to save yourself and that simply isn't going to happen.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

I think the truth needs to be told. This is as much for Skers' sake as for his wife and the AP. Nobody in their right mind wants to live a lie - it puts a lot of pressure on you. And then you start making bad choices because protecting your lie forces you. 

Skers: You need to wipe the slate clean, for your own sake. Think to yourself - what if you were to go back in time with the knowledge you have now. Would you still lie about your affair, or would you simply leave?

You can either live a lie with your wife or you can tell the truth and possibly be set free, or have a choice to work on a reconciliation. Either way - you will be able to make any future decisions with an absolutely clear head.

This is NOT about a bias from WS and BS. This is about living YOUR OWN life without hiding a lie.

I am betting that you will feel better after getting the weight of this lie off of your shoulders. 

How you do it (i.e. confess) is probably worth another thread in itself. I DON'T think you do it in front of a marriage counsellor. I think this is something you need to do face to face, in an honest and private discussion with your wife. But opinions will vary.

Good luck with your decision.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> *I think the truth needs to be told. This is as much for Skers' sake as for his wife and the AP. Nobody in their right mind wants to live a lie - it puts a lot of pressure on you. And then you start making bad choices because protecting your lie forces you. *
> 
> Skers: You need to wipe the slate clean, for your own sake. Think to yourself - what if you were to go back in time with the knowledge you have now. Would you still lie about your affair, or would you simply leave?
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## markster (Nov 20, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Do not sugar coat _ANYTHING_ at all. Don't give her just a little of the truth. Give her the entirety. It's what she deserves. Do not for a moment think that by you not telling everything that you are sparing her feelings. That trickle truth is the worst thing you can do to your betrayed spouse.
> 
> Answer whatever questions she has and do NOT blame her lack of sex as a reason for your cheating. You are 100% responsible for your actions. She is responsible for 50% of the marriage and bears no responsibility for your choice to go outside the marriage.


Amen to that! Answer whatever questions she has... and completely honestly ... This may make it very uncomfortable & painful for both of you, but it is the ONLY way to do it.

My wife answered my questions with more lies that eventually caught up with her, (they always do) perhaps with the same (selfish) misconception that you seem to have ... "I don't want to hurt her anymore" perhaps? Or perhaps "I don't want her to know the full depth of what a selfish, betraying jerk I was". Trust me, she'll already have a good understanding of your character when this comes out. In for a penny, in for a pound. Failure to come completely clean *as soon as you are asked questions* ensures that the hurt, mistrust and betrayal she will feel will never go away and your marriage will be doomed anyway.

Get it off your chest. Let the chips fall where they will fall. Don't try & control where they fall, it will only make you look like you are even more guilty and unrepentant than you already are if you do.

Oh, and just a thought ... maybe your wife's dramatically improved sex drive is not as mysterious as it sounds. Maybe she knows a good deal more than you thinks she knows and is trying to win you back with what she has figured out what was lacking. I'm just guessing, and I could be way off base, but I know of no such medication that takes sex drive from 0 to 1000 in the manner you describe. The drug companies would be all over it.

M


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Cedarman said:


> I
> How you do it (i.e. confess) is probably worth another thread in itself. I DON'T think you do it in front of a marriage counsellor. I think this is something you need to do face to face, in an honest and private discussion with your wife. But opinions will vary.


I think telling the truth in front of a marriage counselor would be equivalent to telling someone in a public place. It seems to me an attempt to prevent the BS from having the ability to react freely to the news they are absorbing.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

If you do want to bring a marriage counselor into this .....then please find one that has experience helping couples recover from an affair, not one that says let's focus on the future and not dwell on the past. That's rugsweeping, an affair needs to be dealt with out in the open otherwise there is the likelyhood of repeat behavior.

Although, I think it should be done in the privacy of your home...so your wife can cry and sob and scream and question as she needs to without censoring her reactions for an outsider.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

Aunt Ava said:


> If you do want to bring a marriage counselor into this .....then please find one that has experience helping couples recover from an affair, not one that says let's focus on the future and not dwell on the past. That's rugsweeping, an affair needs to be dealt with out in the open otherwise there is the likelyhood of repeat behavior.
> 
> Although, I think *it should be done in the privacy of your home...so your wife can cry and sob and scream and question as she needs to without censoring her reactions for an outsider.*


It's how manning up is done. Take your lumps.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

skers the no sex excuse is just that, my wife going through health problems last few months and we havent had sex, she used to oral alot and been year scince that......guess what WAIT FOR IT WAIT FOR IT i have never thought about cheating. tell your wife so she can leave you and find a man worth having. sorry to be harsh


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

skers said:


> I don't need to be preached to..


You don't want to be preached to is more accurate. So *your wife* neglected your needs for years by withholding sex; *you* didn't have character to end things but let yourself have an affair and fall in love with someone else; and *your AP* didn't have character to avoid having an affair with a married man.

skers, there are no heroes in this story. IMO staying with your wife is a LOSE, staying with your AP is a LOSE. Those are likely the only two options you're interested in entertaining though. Medication did not fix this. It just made her more HD. Success rates of long term with an affair partner is really low and you already resent your wife (maybe with good reason).


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## skers (Feb 5, 2013)

Thundarr, what is HD? I'm sorry ..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

HD = high desire. LD = low desire


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Do you have an update? Would love to hear that you have confessed all to your wife.


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## skers (Feb 5, 2013)

I've been praying with God a lot and reading a lot, she is out of town this weekend. I'm not sure if I should tell her before V-day? From our talks she knows I have something on my mind..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Yes, I think you should tell her as soon as possible after she returns.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OP, you seem to have misspoke. Your wife is your partner. The woman who you call your partner is not your partner.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

skers said:


> I've been praying with God a lot and reading a lot, she is out of town this weekend. I'm not sure if I should tell her before V-day? From our talks she knows I have something on my mind..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm really trying not to be harsh here, but let me explain something. it doesn't matter if you tell her today, tomorrow, on Valentine's Day or even the day after.......you ruin every "special" occassion in the past (during your affair), present and near future once you tell her the truth. So, you tell her today you had an affair and you ruin valentine's day. You tell her 2 weeks after Valentine's day and she is going to think back and ask you why you pretended like everything was fine on Valentine's Day.....her memory of Valentine's day will be fake....a lie. You gotta tell her. 

You have no idea how long my husband walked around making me think everything was fine. Told me he loved me, called me everyday, and gave me the emotional support I needed while in another country receiving medical care. Little did I know he was lying the entire time and had moved his mistress into our home and essentially left me homeless, and refuses to talk to me. I found out about the affair through someone else. My spirit is completely crushed. I spent 22 years with this man and he threw me away like garbage. You gotta tell her and tell her everything.


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## rasana (Feb 6, 2013)

I am actually not so sure he should tell her... it depends what his intentions are. If you are confident you won't do any of it anymore, maybe you should not say because it will destroy your family. I kind of wish I never knew my husband cheated , provided he never continued with this behavior.... 
She has a right to know, but if you tell he, she is likely to leave you, depending on what her priorities are.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

rasana said:


> I am actually not so sure he should tell her... it depends what his intentions are. If you are confident you won't do any of it anymore, maybe you should not say because it will destroy your family. I kind of wish I never knew my husband cheated , provided he never continued with this behavior....
> She has a right to know, but if you tell he, she is likely to leave you, depending on what her priorities are.


But if she finds out on her own or someone else tells her it is only going to make it worse. It boils down to lying. Now, i think in the case of something that happened 10 or 15 years ago, maybe not so important to say anything if you never cheated after that, but we are talking present day. He needs to tell her. She already knows something is wrong.


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## skers (Feb 5, 2013)

She has a strong Christian faith (much more grounded than mine, obviously) so her reaction will most Likely fall on the side of forgiveness and reconciliation. She also has a strong support group of Christian friends. This and the fact I have never done this before in out 26 years together tell me it will probably make our marriage stronger and open communication up. This I have come to from spending quiet time with God. I do ask for your prayers, not for me but for my wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## skers (Feb 5, 2013)

Most all of you have been very helpful thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

skers said:


> *She has a strong Christian faith (much more grounded than mine, obviously) so her reaction will most Likely fall on the side of forgiveness and reconciliation. *She also has a strong support group of Christian friends. This and the fact I have never done this before in out 26 years together tell me it will probably make our marriage stronger and open communication up. This I have come to from spending quiet time with God. I do ask for your prayers, not for me but for my wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh, man! That's real choice! So, in effect, you are going to use her religious faith against her? 

*She has a strong support group of Christian friends*? :wtf: What on earth has THAT got to do with anything?:scratchhead:

She doesn't need a strong support group of Christian friends. She does need a spouse who respects her and doesn't cheat on her.

And 'quiet time spent with God' told you that your cheating will be retrospectively OK, as your wife will be your doormat?

Somehow. old chap, I doubt that idea came from God.

But I will pray for her. She needs Divine help to deal with your disrespect.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

If the AP is the love of your life, why didn't you leave your wife within the 6 months you were seeing the new woman?

How is you APs finances? Would she benefit from yours by being together. It has happened plenty of times before a sickly person has gotten some working person to marry them and then they are stuck taking care of someone who is sick and can't divorce as they would be responsible for them financially.


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## skers (Feb 5, 2013)

Tigger
That is on my radar..... And there is no insurance co that would take her
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

skers said:


> Tigger
> That is on my radar..... And there is no insurance co that would take her
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Find a charity to help her. You minister might know of some.


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## skers (Feb 5, 2013)

Mattmatt
Yes had been working on all that. She finally started getting disability and some help from the Vets as she is a veteran from the army and served during wartime.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

skers said:


> Mattmatt
> Yes had been working on all that. She finally started getting disability and some help from the Vets as she is a veteran from the army and served during wartime.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good. *Then you go NC and cut all contact with her and concentrate on your wife, OK?*


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

skers said:


> She has a strong Christian faith (much more grounded than mine, obviously) so her reaction will most Likely fall on the side of forgiveness and reconciliation. She also has a strong support group of Christian friends. This and the fact I have never done this before in out 26 years together tell me it will probably make our marriage stronger and open communication up. This I have come to from spending quiet time with God. I do ask for your prayers, not for me but for my wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think I am going to be sick. Of all the posts, and threads I have read. I can't believe this drivel, talk about entitled claptrap.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

It is entirely up to you if you confess or not. Only you know if you can live with not doing it or not and the risk of her finding out later. Your AP might tell her.

You might want to try a few sessions of IC to sort this all out with a professional before telling.

As for the AP you truly do not know this woman. Did she know you were married when you first started talking?

Don't underestimate what people will do for a meal ticket. 

I would cut all contact with her.


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## skers (Feb 5, 2013)

On our first face to face I told her I was married... She still wishes she had told me to get a life and walk away. But we know now that water is under the bridge.
She has never given any hints of being a gold digger... Yet...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

skers said:


> On our first face to face I told her I was married... She still wishes she had told me to get a life and walk away. But we know now that water is under the bridge.
> She has never given any hints of being a gold digger... Yet...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She wanted you to leave your wife to be with her. She doesn't exactly keep her sob story medical history a secret. You really think she isn't looking for a meal ticket? She let you go because you wouldn't leave your wife in the time frame she was expecting. Time for her to move onto the next man who will. She only has regret because she did not get what she wanted.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Aunt Ava said:


> I think I am going to be sick. Of all the posts, and threads I have read. I can't believe this drivel, talk about entitled claptrap.


Actually ... you know what? I am not a religious man but my wife is extremely religious. She spends a lot of her time with her fundamentalist christian friends (extremely right wing) ... in fact, she's there right now while I'm at home by myself doing chores and checking in on the internet like I freaking do every friday and saturday night ... wait til you see the thread I'll be posting soon, lol. I can sort of understand when he says her reaction will most likely fall on the side of forgiveness and reconciliation. If I cheated on my wife, I think that would be true of her too, upon the recommendation of her friends and I know this because of a couple of other cases of infidelity that happened within her church community. That in no way, shape or form would lessen the betrayal but I do know that divorce would be the less likely option. It's just true. I personally experienced this during separation (not due to infidelity) ... the pressure I got from her christian friends to reconcile was real. "You are a lost soul" ... "I'm praying for your reconciliation" (I heard this many, many times) ... "Go back to your wife and god will reward you 10-fold" ... people quoted scripture to me ... one couple wanted me to come over to discuss how god views marriage ... bleh!!! Completely ignoring the problems in our relationship that led to the separation.


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## skers (Feb 5, 2013)

Yes there are those "holier than thou" people out there, and in here.
I remember Jesus hanging out with the "bad" guys and calling the religious people of the time what they were, hypocrites.
Anyway I have never received those vibes from our church friends...they seem to realize that all sin is the same in God's eyes and needs to be addressed the same.
I understand if you are not a believer, but please don't bash those that are. That shows intolerance on your part.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

skers said:


> She has a strong Christian faith (much more grounded than mine, obviously) so her reaction will most Likely fall on the side of forgiveness and reconciliation. She also has a strong support group of Christian friends. This and the fact I have never done this before in out 26 years together tell me it will probably make our marriage stronger and open communication up. This I have come to from spending quiet time with God. I do ask for your prayers, not for me but for my wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tell her _*immediately*_ and be prepared for the worst possible reaction.
Answer every question _honestly_ and _calmly_.

Even then, she could still leave

Once an affair is revealed all bets are off emotionally,
so trying to predict the level of pain it will inflict on her is pointless and not very reliable at all.

Telling her is the right thing to do, so do it.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

skers said:


> Yes there are those "holier than thou" people out there, and in here.
> I remember Jesus hanging out with the "bad" guys and calling the religious people of the time what they were, hypocrites.
> Anyway I have never received those vibes from our church friends...they seem to realize that all sin is the same in God's eyes and needs to be addressed the same.
> I understand if you are not a believer, but please don't bash those that are. That shows intolerance on your part.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And the level of this type of hypocrisy is? ....:scratchhead:

I think you have made it very clear that you have more feelings for OW than you ever had for your wife of 26 years. I would not even try to convince you to consider your wife's feelings, that's moot. I think you should chase after this OW, since she "loves" you so much and vice versa and is hurting so badly. But, I can say, you will regret it. Once your BS is out of the picture, you will take your masks off and really see the ugly mess you have created and see that you both aren't all that and a bag of chips. 

When a WS solves problems by leaving one person for another, they leave with the baggage from their marriage and take it into their next relationship...That's the reason rebound relationships NEVER work. Marriage is all about meeting and conquering challenges within and outside of ourselves with that one other person you chose to be your lifemate. 

Your wife apparently is an honorable woman. Instead of choosing the option of getting an AP she got some meds, she self assessed some of her issues within the proper channels that would not damage your union irrepairably - of course being mindful of YOU. I would recommend that you get some IC to check out your issues, especially since your affair fog is clouding your ability to self examine and determine how you contributed to the state of your marriage. Your wife has "got your back" for 26 years, time you returned the favor. 

Your AP is not an honorable woman to entertain you knowing your had and will have much more to lose than she ever will. Hence her little drama-queen stunt of just walking away in a split second once wifey got her groove back on. Shows you her commitment level doesn't it? Not to mention, her low self-esteem evidenced by her fear of a little competition in a race she knows she's in but your wife doesn't. BTW - Read Proverbs 5 & 7.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Aunt Ava said:


> I think I am going to be sick. Of all the posts, and threads I have read. I can't believe this drivel, talk about entitled claptrap.


:iagree:

Aunt Ava, I (serious about this) felt my blood pressure starting to rise when I read his post. Entitled just about sums it up.

His poor, poor wife.

OP This is what I think you are in respect of your wife Matthew 7:15 "Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Unless OP accidentally overstated his wife's problems to the AP? Said stuff that helped AP form the conclusion that they were having no sex at all?

When he then gave AP information that the sex life between husband and wife was getting better, AP would think: "What sex life? He told me they weren't having sex? Damn!" He's played me and his wife!"

I knew of a case when a doubting wife decided to communicate with her WS's AP. Whilst he was occupied, she wrote her name (Mrs Xxxx) and her phone number on his rear with a note "call me" on his buttocks in indelible ink.

I believe she got her phone call and an apology.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

skers said:


> Mattmatt
> Yes had been working on all that. She finally started getting disability and some help from the Vets as she is a veteran from the army and served during wartime.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok, so I am going to think from the untrusting spouse of a pathological liar. 

Do you have proof that she was in the military and saw action in war? Was this "finally started getting" disability coincidentally at the same time you guys were calling it quits? Is this disability connected to the military? If she knew all along that she had help coming from the military, why the sob story? Sorry, I don't trust anything this woman says.


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## skers (Feb 5, 2013)

Salt,
She has been filling out disability papers for over a year now.
If you know anything about the government it takes forever especially when you throw in being a vet.
So, no this was going on for a long time, i helped her last fall interrupter some of the mountains of documents she was going through.
And some of it kicked in the first of January. She was awarded $10,000 in back payments due to the long laps of time from when she filled vs when they finally approved her case. But they pay this out in payments vs lump sum payment.
She did serve as an MP in Germany. Lots of proof of that.
She's a good person who made a bad choice as I did and others have.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Can anyone remind me ....what's the 7th Commandment?


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Please refer your wife to TAM after you finally confess. Or better yet, just show her your posts.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Aunt Ava said:


> Please refer your wife to TAM after you finally confess. Or better yet, just show her your posts.


My first advice to all cheaters who come to TAM is to print out their first post and hand it to their betrayed spouse. That is where the truth is.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Aunt Ava said:


> Can anyone remind me ....what's the 7th Commandment?


I bet his wife knows the answer to that question!


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## skers (Feb 5, 2013)

Yesterday was D-day for my wife...
Pray for her..
Lots or roller-coaster emotions as expected.
She has read this complete post....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

skers said:


> Yesterday was D-day for my wife...
> Pray for her..
> Lots or roller-coaster emotions as expected.
> She has read this complete post....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Telling her and allowing her to read this thread was a step in the right direction.


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## skers (Feb 5, 2013)

We only move forward by taking those steps
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

skers said:


> We only move forward by taking those steps
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are correct. Just don't trickle truth.


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## Mansman (Dec 27, 2012)

What is the name of the medication that
you say caused the increased sex drive in your wife?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Funny how the AP is so sick and frail that she is on disability etc, but she's able to have an active and regular sex life.

I call total bs on the excuses for kindness to the AP. if she was a person of goodness and honor she would have dumped you the minute she leaned you were married.

People of honor do not have affairs with married people.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Mrs Skers... You have my deepest sympathy, please focus on taking care of yourself. If you are unable to eat, then try a nutritional drink. 

If you wish to save your marriage, then please do not rugsweep his affair. 

The affair is 100% on him, but the problems are 50/50. Your husband was confident you would forgive him. If this is true, then at least please seek out marriage counseling before granting him blanket forgiveness. He must be remorseful, he isn't so far. He is still deep in the fog, considering she just ended the affair under 2 weeks ago.

Sadly, my impressions from his posts he is far more vested in her needs than yours. He sees himself as her knight in shining armor.


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## skers (Feb 5, 2013)

Mansman,
I will let her answer that:
A good, food based, real multi-vitamin
Vitamin C for thyroid
Arginine for testosterone and energy
Ginseng for testosterone and energy
Iodide for thyroid
DHEA the big one for testosterone 
Vitamin D3 immune support
Zinc for testosterone 
Ginkgo biloba 
Saw palmetto
Ashwagandha

Good luck 
Brace yourself!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Funny how the AP is so sick and frail that she is on disability etc, but she's able to have an active and regular sex life.
> 
> I call total bs on the excuses for kindness to the AP. if she was a person of goodness and honor she would have dumped you the minute she leaned you were married.
> 
> People of honor do not have affairs with married people.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

Excellent point. Excellent observation. You are correct, no woman with any integrity would be with a married man. . . Much less for a year. . . A simple "like" isn't enough, your post deserves to be read again.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Funny how the AP is so sick and frail that she is on disability etc, but she's able to have an active and regular sex life.
> 
> I call total bs on the excuses for kindness to the AP. if she was a person of goodness and honor she would have dumped you the minute she leaned you were married.
> 
> People of honor do not have affairs with married people.


Shaggy, I could write the script now:


> AP:"Oh, I am sooo ill. _<cough! cough!>_ If only I could have my one remaining dream fulfilled!"
> WS: "What dream is that?"
> AP: "Oh, _<cough! cough!>_ It's nothing I could burden you with. _<cough! cough!>_"
> WS: "No! Please tell me! You know I'd do anything within my power to help you!"
> ...


In fact, I think I just did!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mrs S, welcome to TAM. Sorry you had to come, but glad you are here. There's plenty of support and help available for you, here.


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