# Need advice - zero sexual attraction & fell in love with someone else



## diaxis (Feb 20, 2010)

Hey all.

I have a situation I'm working through. And I'd appreciate some non-judgmental advice.

There is an old saying "An unmarried man wants to have sex with every woman, but a married man wants to have sex with all but one". For me somehow this is ringing true and I don't know what to do about it.

My wife and I have been married for 11 years, and we have sex maybe 6 times a year - and that's making a concerted effort. The circumstances of our marriage was more like an arranged marriage than one based on any sort of physical compatibility. We didn't have sex before marriage, and our courtship amounted to 4 months which I spent abroad. She immigrated, we made life plans together. In the beginning I believe she did have a crush on me, I found her pretty, but being sexually inexperienced I figured everything would just fall in line. 11 years later it has only deteriorated to the point that I cannot have an orgasm after 30 minutes hard labor, watching porn with her, plus viagra. I am simply disinterested. Without the viagra I wilt in under 3 minutes. And everything has become mechanical for the sake of making a baby. I can on the other hand, self gratify and this takes 5 minutes, no problems. Its depressing to think that the most effective way to have my orgasm is by simply removing my wife from the activity. I don't think the problem is me, but on the other hand I'm not sure how to manufacture something that may we be a chemical compatibility. The problem is not love, but the relationship has taken on shades of the kind of love I'd feel for a sister or my parents. I'm deeply committed and don't want to hurt anyone, but there simply is no sexual sentiment, no electricity in the relationship. We have gone 11 years on the momentum, I think, of my own cowardice in addressing the problem. We are pushing now to have babies and I feel like my world is closing in. We are making future plans that affect both our parents. This has unsettled me and forced some introspection.

That, and something else has happened that dislodged me entirely. I fell in love for the first time in my life. And it wasn't with my wife, but an old friend. We did not consummate the relationship, but we were both crazy for 3 weeks not knowing what to do. It was the most extraordinary thing that has ever happened to me. I have not yet cheated on my wife, but there was some self-discovery and I think its very much possible I could, circumstances allowing. This experience has moved me from a place where I was moderately content / dissatisfied to full blown unhappy. I am not sexually fulfilled, I know this, and the idea of staying with my wife forever makes me despair. I am now considering marriage counseling, but I want to take the first steps alone lest I elevate the problem to her consciousness and make things worse. If I can fix this I will, and I want to give my marriage a fair shot, but I'm not sure I'm willing to stay in the relationship for the sake of the marital institution, or other people's expectation, buck up and just march to my grave unhappy. I need to figure this out pretty quick before other more permanent commitments are made.

What I want to know is this : if there is simply zero sexual electricity between me and my wife, is there anything that will ever manufacture it?

What I would like here is some flat out diagnostic advice. Is this relationship worth saving, and WHAT is going to ultimately make me happy? I believe we could have an amicable separation, and financially both she and I would be fine, but my main stumbling block is how to grab the bull by the horns, risk the profound grief that is sure to come, and the guilt I am sure to have, having monopolized her child-bearing years and producing no children. Am I making a mistake marching on? Should I stick with it and indulge her need to have a baby? I'd appreciate any encouragement, one way or another.


----------



## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Try being honest with her. Do not have a baby with her until you have discussed this. She probably doesn't want to have children with you only to have you leave her in a few years, and it sounds as though you're not exactly in the strongest of marriages.


----------



## diaxis (Feb 20, 2010)

Thank you for your reply. I intend to get this out in the open in most diplomatic way possible, but at the same time make sure my issue is known. I am trying to be responsible here and true to my feelings. My greatest concern is for her, how she will deal. She conceded to me years ago that our relationship was like siblings. So I don't think that much will be any surprise.

I mentioned that I had recently fallen in love for the first time in my life. I believe when I married I had no context for what romantic passionate love was or could be. Ironically the person I fell for is in the same situation, yet married with kids and in another state. This was fortunately an obstacle that prevented us from making a bad mistake. We have since come down from this high, having gone crazy for three weeks, bouncing off the walls, trying to figure out how to make this happen in the least destructive way possible. We would rationalize it, and then guilt would set us back. In the end we simply conceded that we weren't going to have sex, period, no matter how much we both desired it, and that we weren't going to agitate and bring our marriages down around our heads. It felt very much like both of us standing around a grave that we had thrown our love in, covered with dirt, preparing to shake hands and walk away. And this was difficult, and it left me profoundly unhappy, as if we had both squandered something that may only come once in a lifetime. I don't conceive of myself as a bad person; I want to think the sentiment was pure, but how to deal with my marriage now, I don't know. I need a strategy that would let both her and I approach the problem from a position of strength and evaluate our feelings without bursting into tears, and reverting to the status quo, plus damage. I guess I'm trying to psyche myself up for this conversation.


----------



## 1standingout (Jul 31, 2009)

Don't *Buck up* and go to your grave unhappy!!!!! Buck the F--K up and Let her go to find someone who wants to have a life and a child with her!!! Trust me it will be for the best. You have already spent 11yrs in an un happy marriage. How much longer till you've had enough? If you have fallin in love with someone else, you owe it to your wife to be honest with her and tell her. It may hurt for a while but she will eventually thank you for setting her free. Not only her but you as well.


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

there is no guilt with honesty.

There is no reason you shouldnt find a way to be this open (as you were here) with your wife.

You're already hooked on somebody else because you didnt communicate with her. How does your wife feel about you?
And I dont want YOUR version.. ask her.

In the end... all this will come out, you will get caught and it will be worse than necessary. Maybe she doesnt like you either? 

You may not have to tell her you're "in love" with someone else just yet... Just be honest about how you see her. It may hurt, but living a lie is worse. Maybe she will find someone to love her and you're just wasting her time, in stead of her wasting yours.

talk to her.


----------

