# sadness, anger, apathy...lather, rinse, repeat...



## Betrayedred (Jun 16, 2013)

I find that I get very sad, then very angry, and then just totally apathetic. It seems to cycle daily. 

He doesn't like my anger, says I find a reason to be angry every day, and wants to know if we have to talk about it EVERY day. It's been a month since Dday. Should I be past this by now? His affair was 6 months long and impacted my pregnancy and the birth of our son, who is now 10 weeks old. 

Is it hormones? Am I crazy? When do I start feeling normal? When do I stop crying? When do I just move on? Is it ok that I don't truthfully know if I want to be with him, even though I say I do?


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## user_zero (Aug 30, 2013)

Betrayedred said:


> I find that I get very sad, then very angry, and then just totally apathetic. It seems to cycle daily.
> 
> He doesn't like my anger, says I find a reason to be angry every day, and wants to know if we have to talk about it EVERY day. It's been a month since Dday. Should I be past this by now? His affair was 6 months long and impacted my pregnancy and the birth of our son, who is now 10 weeks old.
> 
> Is it hormones? Am I crazy? When do I start feeling normal? When do I stop crying? When do I just move on? Is it ok that I don't truthfully know if I want to be with him, even though I say I do?


usually it takes about 2 to 5 years.
if he doesn't believe in it. you can ask him to come here and read TAM's threads. especially threads of people who are in reconciliation process.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your reaction is normal. He's lucky that you have not thrown him out the door.

It takes most BS 2-5 years to recover from infidelity. If he wants you to give him a chance to recover, he has to help you heal. Part of what he has to do it to talk about his affair and answer your questions as much as you need. Right now that's probably every day.

Is he remorseful at all? Does he even realize that he did something horrible t you?


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## Betrayedred (Jun 16, 2013)

He wouldn't ever look at a site like TAM. He thinks that I am silly for researching like I do, and says that our marriage isn't like others and doesn't have to follow an online pattern. Gee, if he read things like TAM, he'd realize he is quoting from the non remorseful cheater handbook. Ugh. 

I don't know if I can handle the stress of an infant and working through infidelity. Sometimes I just want to sit in the dark and pretend the world has ended.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

And as to whether or not he is remorseful---not in a way that I understand. He still wants to play the blame game and say that it was my leaving him for two months last year and then my parenting interactions with my exH that caused him to seek out another woman. He wants to rug sweep, and is not yet willing to talk much. Though, I will say that since I have stopped being actively angry with him, he had started opening up more. He is very selfish, and quite honestly, has the emotional maturity of a teenage boy. I knew this before I married him, but foolishly thought that marrying him would alleviate some of his insecurities. Ha!


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Marriage does NOT solve problems....

You go through this wide emotional spectrum. Me too. I am bipolar

You are in the infancy of post Dday. I am sorry you are here. If you want the best chance to Reconcile, you need to be strong and hold him accountable.

You tell him If I ask you the question about betraying me 50 times, I need you to answer me 50 times. I'm no longer asking because I don't know the answer. I am asking because I am trying to reconcile the pain you caused me. I am trying to get past you being so damn immature that I think I need to change diapers on two people and not just one. Don't blame me for you minor discomfort. I just gave birth and the man who I married and I thought I would respect till the end of my days now seems as immature as our newborn. Now get yourself over here and rub my feet! I'm tired.

Maybe not so harsh but yes, be strong. Don't let him backslide. I am sorry you are here. I wish you the best.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Betrayedred said:


> I find that I get very sad, then very angry, and then just totally apathetic. It seems to cycle daily.
> 
> He doesn't like my anger, says I find a reason to be angry every day, and wants to know if we have to talk about it EVERY day. It's been a month since Dday. Should I be past this by now? His affair was 6 months long and impacted my pregnancy and the birth of our son, who is now 10 weeks old.
> 
> Is it hormones? Am I crazy? When do I start feeling normal? When do I stop crying? When do I just move on? Is it ok that I don't truthfully know if I want to be with him, even though I say I do?


Tbh you sound like you're in a similar position to Rosie in the 'something very creepy' thread 

dday weeks ago and a spouse who kinda gave her a two wk limit before he came back home to 'sort things out'

Completely incredible as he cheated on her like yours has. 

Remorse in a newly cheating spouse when caught *should be total* if they want to reconcile. They should be on their knees to show you they are willing to do anything that will help you find a way through the trauma they have caused you and your family

Should you be past this right now !!!!!!!!?????????? 

Christ!

You will NEVER be past this. *THIS is the full stop in your lives.* You don't get PAST this

Whatever you had before is FINISHED over.

After THIS you start again - the relationship restarts but under very different guidelines than before mostly dictated by you

Read this forum for a few days and you will see this is the start process of a reconciliation.

If you do not get this there is no proper truthful reconciliation to be had and you may as well just get divorced now.

Unless you both understand this then there is nothing to go on with 

You will not want to hear this and you probably don't believe me but if you stay around here and read for long enough you'll soon understand that this is the one golden rule of you two staying together in any hopeful permanent way

__________

You're husband sounds a real piece of work - he deceived, lied, cheated on you whilst pregnant, the baby is ten weeks old and he's now giving you the 'get over it' speech

Jesus 

You need to reel him in and unscramble his selfish little brain into being the husband he ought to be for his wife and new child

Sorry you're here 

(Fksakes .....some people)


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## Betrayedred (Jun 16, 2013)

I love the honesty on TAM. It is the splash of cold water that I often need. I have a hard time putting myself first, and truthfully, demanding respect. I am not sure that I respect myself as a person, how can I ask anyone else to respect me? 

Anyhow, I have a question/thought that I am mulling over. Right now, I have told him that I want our marriage to work. I think in part, because I don't know what else to say. But when I start reading my journal and prayer journal from the past 7 months, and when I write things on here, it is like things are starting to come into focus. Kinda like how you can't see the forest because of the trees, ya know? So my questions/thoughts are these: even after you've said you want to R, can you still do the 180? Can I still keep myself separate from him emotionally because I don't trust him or feel safe emotionally with him? Or does that go against forgiveness and reconciliation?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## swade87 (Oct 23, 2013)

20 years later and my mother still cries over my father's infidelity. I think you have every right to feel what you need to feel, and feel it for as long as you need to feel it!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Why did you leave him? What had he done?


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Betrayedred said:


> I love the honesty on TAM. It is the splash of cold water that I often need. I have a hard time putting myself first, and truthfully, demanding respect. I am not sure that I respect myself as a person, how can I ask anyone else to respect me?
> 
> Anyhow, I have a question/thought that I am mulling over. Right now, I have told him that I want our marriage to work. I think in part, because I don't know what else to say. But when I start reading my journal and prayer journal from the past 7 months, and when I write things on here, it is like things are starting to come into focus. Kinda like how you can't see the forest because of the trees, ya know? So my questions/thoughts are these: even after you've said you want to R, can you still do the 180? Can I still keep myself separate from him emotionally because I don't trust him or feel safe emotionally with him? Or does that go against forgiveness and reconciliation?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You need to know and understand what the 180 is there for 

It's not for beating him a round the head forever. it's to get a wayward to understand they have to look inwards at themselves - to force them to face their own demons about what and why they have hurt the person closest to them. 
They have to want to change that bit about themselves - the 180 is a stark reality check coming back at them from the person they love and probably still want to be with.

It tells them they can easily lose you - just like that and that reality should 'bring them to heel' in a sense. 

It's about showing instant remorse 150%. They should be on their knees transparent, willing to talk nomatter how many times, how long. Whatever your requirement is - they should meet it - no questions asked 

The 180 sets the standard for a new relationship in reconciliation. It will be new and different from before as there will be new boundaries that have to be recognised and set - by YOU. 

Of course should you want to reconcile and see this from him you then cannot keep it up forever. or it will become the battering ram I mentioned above and they will never feel they can even try to atone for their previous treachery 

So in that sense the 180 in a reconciliation does go against the grain.

One things for certain though if you don't see all of the above from a wayward reconciliatin will fail 1,000% ! eventually maybe 6 months maybe 2 years but fail it will

Good luck


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

A month is too early to make a decision on D or R. I would set a time in the future, like 6 months from now. See how things are at that time. On the negative side to this approach, I did that, set a date in August 2012 and decided to do R. It was all false. My wife never broke up with the XOM. She finally did in April of this year. Had I followed my gut I would have been correct that things were not right.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

The Avengers - I'm Always Angry - Hulk - YouTube

This fits how I feel some days. 
Embrace your emotions, keeping anything bottled up or hidden just for "their" sake is just silly, how selfish of someone to do wrong and not have to pay the consequences but then again a WS is usually all that to begin with.
You have every right to be all those things at any time or all at once and your WS has no right to complain, if you are physically or verbally abusing them then maybe they can be upset (although they deserve to get screamed at and maybe a boot in their a$$) but their main focus should be how to help you deal with what you are feeling and to try to comfort you. 
As far as the reconciliation stuff there is no start date, to me reconciliation is just a part of coping with infidelity, and if you are still there with them then you are coping and trying to make it work how long it lasts well that is up to you.
Just like dealing with the death of someone close to you there is no way to put a calendar to anything, you will process this in your own time and if some where during this time you decide you are done then you will be.


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## Betrayedred (Jun 16, 2013)

Thank you. Thank you! 

Matt, I left because our relationship was in a very nasty verbally and emotionally abusive cycle, with a few physical incidents (which I am guilty of instigating at least one, not gonna lie). When my two kids told me that they were scared by the fighting and if the fighting didn't stop, they would want to go live with their dad full time, I knew something had to change. So I went to the extreme and packed up and moved out when he was out of town. He threatened to kill himself, and when I tried to come and talk to him, he tried to prevent me from leaving, took my car keys, and stuff like that. I called the cops and he went to jail for a night, for which he has never forgiven me. He insists that he didn't deserve to go to jail and that I have never been loyal to him. 

In the past two days, I've seen some differences...he's less defensive for some reason, and when I showed him that he still had a Whatsapp profile, he deleted it in front of me. He has been offering to care more for our 10 week old son and has been offering to make me dinner and help more with the other four kids that we have between our blended families. 

Anyhow. Thanks for clarification and reassurance.


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