# Is he crazy?



## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

I'm a working mom ... I go to work at 3am so I can be home by noon for the kiddos. My husband works 10-7. I still manage to make dinner, clean house and run errands like a stay at home mom. I get about 5 hours of sleep a night. I get so tired and frustrated. We are in the process of moving houses. My husband and I have been in therapy and We appear to be closer to improving our relationship. But, he just never seems to understand how difficult he makes things on me. He organized his father to come visit is from out of town... For five days. He will leave 2 days before we move. However my husband didn't take time off work. I have to pack, watch kiddos, entertain his dad... For three of the days he's visiting. When i brought it up... He said he thought he was improving because this time he booked the flight so HE could pick up his dad at the airport. In the past he left that for me too. 

Maybe I'm just too tired to see things clearly, but i think this is just another example of his bad judgement. His elderly father doesn't drive, so i have to drive him everywhere and ge makes requests for places to eat etc. 

Sorry... But i just needed feedback. Am i overreacting?
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## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

Well I'm confused somewhat. You say he's improving but there are still issues. Are you two still seeing a therapist? If so this needs to come up and if not you probably should. It sounds like you feel overwhelmed. Just a note, don't expect men "to know." We don't. We really deal with things as issues vs. solutions. Women are also concerned about how this makes them feel and how it effects the relationship. I suggest you sit him down and talk to him.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

No, you aren't overreacting. However, I can certainly see where stress and fatigue are having an impact on your life. I've been there and done that. Unfortunately that lifestyle took its toll on me. Start addressing those issues. How old are your children? Can you and your husband get similar work schedules?


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

Thanks for your feedback. Yes we WERE improving but this stuff is surfacing. I have talked to him extensively time and time again. He ALWYS sticks me with his parents and the work. Again he thinks he's improving because he's packing a few boxes and he's picking up his dad at the airport. But this IS us talking... His answer was "fine I'll just tell my dad he can't come". I said i think that might be best. I thought we solved it. But then i found out he WAS coming. He said.. Oh i arranged it so i could pick him up at the airport and I'll drop him off to you... So i thought that was better. Grrr. 

Also we got into a HUGE dispute with our landlord. It was a mess. Anyway "we" were advised to get an attorney. Well i ended up doing it. When i said i needed his help... He said he couldn't unless he took off work and he just couldn't. He works 10-7! He could help from 8 to 10! Anyway i handled the entire mess. And i got a settlement agreement to protect us from our crazy landlord. It's all over and HE is complaining... Telling his parents about how stressful it's been on him. 

He just can't get it!!! I suggested we go back to the couple therapist. He said not until after his dad visits and after we move. So ... He's delaying. 



sprinter said:


> Well I'm confused somewhat. You say he's improving but there are still issues. Are you two still seeing a therapist? If so this needs to come up and if not you probably should. It sounds like you feel overwhelmed. Just a note, don't expect men "to know." We don't. We really deal with things as issues vs. solutions. Women are also concerned about how this makes them feel and how it effects the relationship. I suggest you sit him down and talk to him.


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## lht285 (Aug 25, 2011)

I say you get your list together for things for your husband and his father to do while he visits! If I did that to my wife I would probably expect that to happen to me. If they both have a long list of things to do to get ready for the move, two things can happen: One, you get all your stuff done more easily, and two, your husband will never think to schedule a visit before such a stressful time ever again.


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## fredless (Jun 12, 2011)

If you keep doing everything, why should your husband make any real changes? At some point, you may want to consider scaling back what you do and taking care of yourself. Either your husband will start helping more or some things just won't get done.


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

I try to do that... But he could really careless that stuff isn't done or we both end up looking bad. Also i just found out that he didn't take the day off when we are moving. He asked me to call in sick... When I said no. He just said well.. I don't know what else to do. I can't take off. I am the breadwinner. He could call in sick! 

I mean... What do I do? He won't give. So if it needs to be handled .. I have no choice. 




fredless said:


> If you keep doing everything, why should your husband make any real changes? At some point, you may want to consider scaling back what you do and taking care of yourself. Either your husband will start helping more or some things just won't get done.


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## fredless (Jun 12, 2011)

crazycat25 said:


> I try to do that... But he could really careless that stuff isn't done or we both end up looking bad. Also i just found out that he didn't take the day off when we are moving. He asked me to call in sick... When I said no. He just said well.. I don't know what else to do. I can't take off. I am the breadwinner. He could call in sick!
> 
> I mean... What do I do? He won't give. So if it needs to be handled .. I have no choice.
> 
> ...


If you have no choice, why are you here asking questions? Why does your husband have a choice and you don't? Simply don't handle it. Don't call in sick, go to work. Your husband has learned, because you have taught him, that you will take care of everything. 

So this is your choice--change yourself and how you operate or don't.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

fredless said:


> Why does your husband have a choice and you don't? Simply don't handle it. Don't call in sick, go to work. Your husband has learned, because you have taught him, that you will take care of everything.


If her husband is like mine things will fall apart before he decides to do something, by then it's to late. Either way it's stressful on her.

I tried that, not doing as much, and letting him step up. It was a disaster. 

You could be like him, and say screw it. Then again you are taking the gamble that you may not have the utilities on, car note paid to prevent repo., animals to the vet, ect....


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## fredless (Jun 12, 2011)

4sure said:


> If her husband is like mine things will fall apart before he decides to do something, by then it's to late. Either way it's stressful on her.
> 
> I tried that, not doing as much, and letting him step up. It was a disaster.
> 
> You could be like him, and say screw it. Then again you are taking the gamble that you may not have the utilities on, car note paid to prevent repo., animals to the vet, ect....


If this is the case, I still argue that there is a choice: She can accept the situation as is or she can leave him.


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

crazycat25 said:


> I try to do that... But he could really careless that stuff isn't done or we both end up looking bad. Also i just found out that he didn't take the day off when we are moving. He asked me to call in sick... When I said no. He just said well.. I don't know what else to do. I can't take off. I am the breadwinner. He could call in sick!
> 
> I mean... What do I do? He won't give. So if it needs to be handled .. I have no choice.
> 
> ...


Oooooh.. that would be IT for me.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

crazycat25 said:


> I try to do that... But he could really careless that stuff isn't done or we both end up looking bad. Also i just found out that he didn't take the day off when we are moving. He asked me to call in sick... When I said no. He just said well.. I don't know what else to do. I can't take off. I am the breadwinner. He could call in sick!
> 
> I mean... What do I do? He won't give. So if it needs to be handled .. I have no choice.
> 
> ...


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

Yes, you are right. Golfergirl. But when you see someone at least improving, you try to keep hope. Especially when kids are involved. 

Let me ask this. If you have the perfect couple. They both work. One works 3am to noon. The other 10 to 7. They are moving during the week. What's fair? Should the guy take off a day of work to help out? Or should the wife needs to handle it? What's fair? 




golfergirl said:


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

I think most couples are probably both involved in a move. You two dont sound like you have a real partnership.

Are you using a moving company?


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

Yes. We are using a moving company. My husband offered to take off on loading day. That's crazy because there is nothing to do but watch the movers load things up and supervise the cleaners. (we've moved plenty before). So it's drop off day that i requested he be there for. He insists no. Drop off day is the day he wants me to call in sick. It's just crazy to me. Probably the worst is the theme we have going. I asked him to reschedule his dad's visit. He said ok. But didn't. Then, i asked him to take off work. He said no. Then yes after i complained. But took the WRONG day off. I just feel like he's trying... He's sort of listening. But then he ignores my wishes. 




lotuslove said:


> I think most couples are probably both involved in a move. You two dont sound like you have a real partnership.
> 
> Are you using a moving company?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

crazycat25 said:


> Yes. We are using a moving company. My husband offered to take off on loading day. That's crazy because there is nothing to do but watch the movers load things up and supervise the cleaners. (we've moved plenty before). So it's drop off day that i requested he be there for. He insists no. Drop off day is the day he wants me to call in sick. It's just crazy to me. Probably the worst is the theme we have going. I asked him to reschedule his dad's visit. He said ok. But didn't. Then, i asked him to take off work. He said no. Then yes after i complained. But took the WRONG day off. I just feel like he's trying... He's sort of listening. But then he ignores my wishes.
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The prep work such as packing can be done around work and so can unpacking. Technically you guys have 2 hours that you 'overlap' with work, so no one take time off, dad handle those 2 hours and he entertains kids so you both can unpack when you are not working.
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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

But the fact he can take a day off no problem concerns me. Have you ever thought of a separation?


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

Oh sorry. Forgot to say. My father in law will be gone by then. It's just us. Father in law is here now. He says he isn't packing or helping move, because he's on "vacation". So it's been interesting. 

UOTE=golfergirl;408661]The prep work such as packing can be done around work and so can unpacking. Technically you guys have 2 hours that you 'overlap' with work, so no one take time off, dad handle those 2 hours and he entertains kids so you both can unpack when you are not working.
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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

crazycat25 said:


> Oh sorry. Forgot to say. My father in law will be gone by then. It's just us. Father in law is here now. He says he isn't packing or helping move, because he's on "vacation". So it's been interesting.
> 
> UOTE=golfergirl;408661]The prep work such as packing can be done around work and so can unpacking. Technically you guys have 2 hours that you 'overlap' with work, so no one take time off, dad handle those 2 hours and he entertains kids so you both can unpack when you are not working.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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He can visit his grandchildren or be left to his own vacation. His attitude explains a lot about his son.
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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

Lotsoflove, we have separated. I've had a lot of other issues with him. It's been an interesting couple of years. Some don't understand why I'm still with him. I think the fear of breaking up a family and signs of his improvement... Make me maintain hope. But this recent stuff is a good example that I'm still working on myself... Trying to stop being an enabler. And knowing when I'm being walked on... My issue is that i enable because i don't want us all to fail. He let's things go too far and then doesn't understand why we face serious consequences. 




golfergirl said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He can visit his grandchildren or be left to his own vacation. His attitude explains a lot about his son.
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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

I saw this with a fgriend of mine. I lived with her, her husband, and 13 yr old son for a while in their gigantic home. She always tries to be happy-homemaker (really she doesnt want to be with him anymore). The more nice things she did... the more they both walked all over her. I kept telling her "stop doing nice things... and stop fighting with them too.. become neutral" She couldnt do it though.


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

I've tried to play "neutral". I started packing up the bedroom/bathroom this morning. He was in having breakfast with his dad and kiddo. He came in and said "are you just going to hide out in here all day". I calmly said no. I'm just packing. Now he is going out to "run errands". He's picking up boxes. But he's gonna take his dad and kiddos to lunch... So I'm left to pack. This is why i did not want his dad here right now. They are out having fun and I'm left to pack. Would that kind of thing happen in other relationships? He has packed up sone boxes over the last week. But not much. 



lotuslove said:


> I saw this with a fgriend of mine. I lived with her, her husband, and 13 yr old son for a while in their gigantic home. She always tries to be happy-homemaker (really she doesnt want to be with him anymore). The more nice things she did... the more they both walked all over her. I kept telling her "stop doing nice things... and stop fighting with them too.. become neutral" She couldnt do it though.


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

Have you ever just asked him: What's your problem? Is there a reason you act the way you do toward me?


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

Oh yes. We have Been to marriage counselors etc. Yes. He doesn't ever really see the impact of his actions on me. He only seems to see his side. Marriage counseling was brutal. It would just be an argument. He would even argue with the counselor. He would keep needing to interrupt to prove his point... Somehow.

When i seemed upset today... He said what? I said it's just a lot of work. I don't know how I'm going to do all this alone. His response was "that's why i started packing last week". I said what about your dad? Can't he stay home and help us? He said.. I don't want to ask him to do' that. This is his time visiting. He said it's not his job. Then he left. Again. The answer? It's my fault because i didn't pack this stuff earlier. 


QUOTE=lotuslove;408876]Have you ever just asked him: What's your problem? Is there a reason you act the way you do toward me?[/QUOTE]
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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

Sooooooo what was his response when you asked the below?


QUOTE=lotuslove;408876]Have you ever just asked him: What's your problem? Is there a reason you act the way you do toward me?[/QUOTE]
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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

His response is that he treats me well. He says that he can't believe that i would say such a thing. He will say that i make him feel not good enough...like he can never please me. That's always his answer 

UOTE=lotuslove;409128]Sooooooo what was his response when you asked the below?


QUOTE=lotuslove;408876]Have you ever just asked him: What's your problem? Is there a reason you act the way you do toward me?[/QUOTE]
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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

The hardest thing for me today has been that he doesn't like how I've packed the boxes. He is telling me i used the wrong box.. For something. And correcting me in front of his father. I literally could scream. I don't normally freak out or ever even raise my voice. But i am SO upset and depressed today. Is it normal considering his actions? 



crazycat25 said:


> His response is that he treats me well. He says that he can't believe that i would say such a thing. He will say that i make him feel not good enough...like he can never please me. That's always his answer
> 
> UOTE=lotuslove;409128]Sooooooo what was his response when you asked the below?
> 
> ...


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

What things is he referring to? Does he do things that make you feel good?



crazycat25 said:


> His response is that he treats me well. He says that he can't believe that i would say such a thing. He will say that i make him feel not good enough...like he can never please me. That's always his answer
> 
> UOTE=lotuslove;409128]Sooooooo what was his response when you asked the below?
> 
> ...


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

When is the last time you raised your voice?



crazycat25 said:


> The hardest thing for me today has been that he doesn't like how I've packed the boxes. He is telling me i used the wrong box.. For something. And correcting me in front of his father. I literally could scream. I don't normally freak out or ever even raise my voice. But i am SO upset and depressed today. Is it normal considering his actions?
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

His version of nice things... Is rubbing my arm if i can't fall asleep. Healso likes to cook ... Mainly because he can't stand when i try to cook. I can't think of any expensive gifts I've ever received etc. He also believes it's very "nice" of him to try and make it home for dinner instead of working late. 

I also haven't raised my voice in about 6 months. Today when i confronted him about the packing..he said you know " i was pretty "f-ing" proud of packing 30 boxes before my dad came.". I said i appreciated that but you left me yesterday with about 90 more to go... (movers estimate). 




lotuslove said:


> When is the last time you raised your voice
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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

How long have you two been in therapy now?


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

We have been in therapy for 3 months. We quit for awhile because he felt it was making things worse and we were rehashing too many past mistakes (his) and he didn't like it.
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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

what does the therapist suggest?


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

My individual therapist thinks i need to leave. She's been trying to get me to leave for awhile. But she understands why i am still here considering he's making an effort to improve. Our marriage counselor won't make any recommendations. She says it is all up to us. 

My husband has told me before that he loves me more than he could ever tell me. I believe him. It's just hard when he disrespects me. And it's not just me. 





lotuslove said:


> what does the therapist suggest?


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

Have you ever separated before?


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

lotuslove said:


> Have you ever separated before?


Not really. Only for short periods. I always forgive him and take him back. I know he means well.
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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

Meaning well and BEING well or being TREATED well are different things. He might not be capable of being able to treat you well.. at least at this time. 

Whats the longest you've ever separated?


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

About 3 months. He really seems to change.... At least for awhile. 




lotuslove said:


> Meaning well and BEING well or being TREATED well are different things. He might not be capable of being able to treat you well.. at least at this time.
> 
> Whats the longest you've ever separated?


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

3 months and no contact? If there was contact did he contact you more or vice versa? Did he beg you to come back?


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

No. We have a child so there was constant contact. He was always still around... He didn't really beg... He just seemed to use our son to get back i'n...




lotuslove said:


> 3 months and no contact? If there was contact did he contact you more or vice versa? Did he beg you to come back?


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

Constant contact isn't really separation IMO.. but I can undesrtand as you had a child.

How old is your child?

Who suggested the separation? have you ever suggested divorce or only him?



crazycat25 said:


> No. We have a child so there was constant contact. He was always still around... He didn't really beg... He just seemed to use our son to get back i'n...
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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

Our son is 6. And he's never suggested divorce. Only i have...



lotuslove said:


> Constant contact isn't really separation IMO.. but I can undesrtand as you had a child.
> 
> How old is your child?
> 
> Who suggested the separation? have you ever suggested divorce or only him?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

crazycat25 said:


> Our son is 6. And he's never suggested divorce. Only i have...
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



How's he treating your son?
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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

He's treating him well. I've seen a big improvement in that area. 




golfergirl said:


> How's he treating your son?
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