# Facebook Shock



## Strongwoman (Jan 20, 2010)

I have been married for 17 years and could not imagine being happier. My husband always told me he loved me, supported my creative ideas and was very affectionate privately and publicly. He never came home late from work and is a strong member of the community. He always went out of his way to make me feel as if his world centered around "us". My friends always used us as an example of a strong marriage that was also a great partnership. We had it all! Five months ago I saw that he did not close down his Facebook account. I could not believe that he was communicating with "lots" of women. Some were local woman from work, others were from his past, some were woman he had mentioned in passing, others I never heard of. The common theme was sexual flirting. Some of these woman were telling him they loved him. He is listed as married on Facebook but it did not seem to matter to either him or the many woman. When I questioned him about these woman he initially said it was just a game. I could not believe he could spend so much time at work on Facebook. I started looking into his cell phone and saw that he was also talking on the phone to some of these woman. I was shocked. It only took a day before he confessed that he was having several emotional on line affairs, and one on and off again physical affair with a woman he used to work with. She is married with a young child. I know her and her husband. He said that the affair was a drain on him as this woman was very unstable. He was relieved to be discovered! He ended it and apologised to her husband. It was unbelievable. The affair had been going on for 8 years. He said that they did not have sex often, and when they did it was in the car. I am talking about a successful businessman, and a family man having sex in a car with another married person for several years. I was completely in a state of shock. I did not have a clue! The few friends I told are also in disbelief. Nobody saw this coming .He gave up Facebook, started therapy as did I. He has been deceiving me most of our relationship. He is a master in deception. 
He swears that he never thought of leaving me for anyone else. I was always his true love. He thought his other world would always remain separate. Now that it has collided with our world he wants to give it up and start working on me trusting him. He has given me access to all his personal files, all his passwords and is making himself totally transparent. He knows there is no room for another chance. He feels confident that he will prove over time he can be trusted. I am totally devastated, depressed and find it hard to concentrate on anything but his other life. I know it will never be the same (that is also a good thing) but is there a chance this marriage can be saved? How can I ever trust him?


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

So sorry to hear.

Many people have gone through this. It sounds like your husband may actually realize that what he's done is wrong, and his willingness to be open and transparent is HUGE.

Yes - your marriage can be saved if that's what you choose to do.


----------



## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

ohhhhh the infamouse facebook so many people i know didnt really have issues in there marriage until damn facebook its nothing but problems


----------



## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

This sounds a little deeper than Facebook... and I'm so sorry that you've had to face this. 

And yes, your marriage can be saved. It will take time, lots and lots of work on both parts and a heap - no, a ton of forgiveness. But it's entirely possible.

Your husband does sound very genuine and it's great that he's taken positive, up front action to put your needs first and to prove his intentions. Sounds strange, but count yourself blessed for that.


----------



## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

So sorry to hear what you're going through.

I think it is possible to work through these sorts of things but it takes a ton of work. I am talking a full time effort or more initially and then part time indefinitely. After my partner's A we spent 12+ hours a day talking. We started with weekly couples therapy and after 4 1/2 months of great progress we now go monthly.

What I learned in those discussions and in therapy was that our relationship was a lot more vulnerable than I thought. I had slowly been accepting changes like less affection, much less regular sex, doing things apart more than together, etc. without realizing that I was settling for a mediocre relationship. By definition if our relationship was strong the cheating wouldn't have happened. I learned that I had made some offhand comments that had actually been deeply hurtful that my partner didn't feel he could talk to me about. This led to resentment building for months and months until he started feeling depressed, and it was a downward spiral from there. Most of this happened totally outside my awareness. I had no idea about the affair until the day he told me in September.

You need to get waaaayyy beyond the face value appearance of your relationship, dig deep and find where the weak links are. You both need to be willing to admit your role in what happened, but he has to do so first. I wasn't willing to admit my own fault for a while and that's normal, but I realize now that while I did not choose to cheat I did make choices that damaged our relationship, which led to the cheating.

The other thing I want to say is that once a partner is in the cycle of cheating it is hard to get out. That's not an excuse at all, just an explanation. In my case I was totally overloaded with work stress during the affair. My partner was afraid to break things off with the OW because he knew she'd probably tell me (she is a bunny boiler, if you catch my drift) and that it would destroy me combined with the work stress. So he tried to quietly end things with her but it never worked, and he ended up waiting until my work stress calmed down and I'd gone on vacation to visit family before telling me. In a weird way it was actually compassionate of him, to spare me the news until he knew I could handle it. He put up with several extra weeks of the OW's crazy controlling behavior so he could wait to tell me. That sounds incredibly backwards but it's the truth, she was abusive towards him and he has never wavered in his negative feelings for her since they day he told me and ended things with her.


----------



## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Damn Facebook is right... it was the beginning of the downfall of our relationship as well! One of them posted an inappropriate comment and I had to handle it, bc he didnt see it was innapropriate, still doesnt. A married woman doesnt post on the public wall of a man she used to sleep with that she was "dreaming of him..." "think of him often" and sign off "with love".

Yours does go beyond FB, and all I can say is that he is MAKING AMMENDS with you and that is HUGE in terms of wanting to make your relationship work. If he was in denial or minimizing things... that would be a different story, he wouldnt allow you access and complete openess. Be strong and try to trust or let go that you may not be able to trust what he is up to, but trust that he is ACTING in ways that communicate a desire to stay with you.


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Alexandra said:


> This sounds a little deeper than Facebook... and I'm so sorry that you've had to face this.
> 
> And yes, your marriage can be saved. It will take time, lots and lots of work on both parts and a heap - no, a ton of forgiveness. But it's entirely possible.
> 
> Your husband does sound very genuine and it's great that he's taken positive, up front action to put your needs first and to prove his intentions. Sounds strange, but count yourself blessed for that.


I also agree with the comment that this is a little beyond Facebook. It would seem that he has been involved in this life style for quite sometime. And to be shocked that a well established businessman would have sexual encounters in the back of a car is nothing new. It just says that he carried himself well. Sometimes, people are nothing short of being... well, people.

Whether your marriage can be saved is up to you and him. I will say this though... he is coming clean with things that people normally don't confess to their friends let alone their spouse. Concentrate on the good and strong points and build from there.

I do wish you and your husband all the very best.


----------

