# 6 Months Since D-Day



## F**k_Hockey (3 mo ago)

I'm a 38(M) married to a 36(F), married for 7 years, together for 12. I only discovered this forum a few months ago, a while after D-Day had already occurred, as well as after D-Day 2. Since, I've read almost a hundred pages of forums, all trying to better understand what my life has become.

First, I'm not going to pretend I'm a betrayed spouse the same was as many of you. I was involved with emotional affairs as long as digital communication has been a thing. I just never really understood the significance of it or that it had a name. I'll come back to this after. I'm condensing a lot of the explanation for length of post, but I can probably elaborate if needed.

I play in a popular local wedding/casino/bar cover band, which means that ever since before I met my wife, a significant number of weekends were spent playing concerts. For the first number of years, she would come to my shows and be very supportive, even making themed props for us. Over the years, she gradually stopped taking interest or coming to shows, and started doing things on her own or with others. I never really thought much of it, because I trusted her. Because we were always tight on funds (she was chronically unemployed), I worked extra jobs after work, so I really was never home.

When the first COVID lockdown happened, my marriage emerged stronger than it had been in years. We spent a lot of quality time together, and we enjoyed the change of pace. We didn't have the distractions that were always present. Summer came around, and I did get to perform a few shows, but it was still a lot quieter. The second lockdown happened at the end of 2020, but this time we weren't connecting as well. All of 2021 felt like depression was setting in heavily for both of us. I wasn't trying hard to reach her, and I felt her slipping away. I put in no effort to stop it, because I was completely immersed in my own depression. I was thinking about my future, wanting kids, her not, her hating this area, me wanting to stay... I started to think we were going in different directions, and started to accept that we might end up divorced.

Without giving away too much, my wife was involved with a hockey team. I won't specify the team, the division, or her role, because it's too recognizable. This was a dream job for her, and I was supportive. I attended almost every game, dropped her off early, dropped her off at special events and when she wanted to hang out with others involved with the organization. I thought things were good because she seemed happy with it, but over time, she got less happy with me.

She always had issues with my family, as she was looked at as me having "married down" from the type I was expected to marry. They were all accepting for the most part, but they clashed over issues, and she slowly stopped participating in family visits (when she did, she would sit alone in the other room on her phone). I will admit that I never really stood up for her, because you don't go against the family. I also never really gave her the benefit of the doubt during disagreements, even when she would usually end up being correct. She would always point out things that were wrong, and I would dismiss her. I even was so much of a gossip that I couldn't keep secrets she would tell me, and she flat out told me that she couldn't call me her best friend because of that. By the time April of 2022 came around, I was sure we would divorce, and I thought it would be the right move. There was a special event the team was having, but I was told that I wasn't invited because it was a small venue and there were no "plus one" invites. I told my father this the night of the event, and he mentioned it to my sister. My sister's best friend had ties to the team. Her husband worked with them, and she was invited to the gala. My sister was suspicious, and asked the friend to keep an eye on my wife. I would later learn that it was true, guests weren't allowed, but this guy was allowed to bring his wife due to his role with the organization, but the suspicion turned out to be justified. My wife kept putting off getting picked up, even after the event ended. She went out to a bar with people from the team, and I barely heard from her. It was a work night, and I didn't want to be up late waiting for her. At midnight, I talked to her on the phone and she wouldn't tell me where she was because I was annoyed, and her previous boyfriends would demand to know where she was, then show up and accuse her of cheating. I finally got her to tell me where she was by promising I would let her be. At 2am, she called me for a ride. When I picked her up, she was really drunk and telling me stories about why she had to stay so late, none of them being a good reason. We fought, she told me she would file for divorce if she could afford it. She asked if there was any good reason for her to stay, and I said I couldn't think of any, and I went to bed. Two weeks later, my brother called me. My sister had told him something that they were both afraid to tell me. My wife had apparently been making out with one of the hockey players at this bar in front of people (including the husband of my sister's friend), then told people not to tell on her.

When I confronted her that night, she didn't deny it. She felt bad for hurting me, said nothing I had done to her or failed to do for her justified what she did. She also did try to pass it off as a "brotherly kiss" but I don't believe her. I've accepted she made out with him, whether she's convinced herself she didn't or not. We started marriage counseling soon after.

She had been asking for counseling for two years, and I kept refusing because we couldn't afford it. By the time my Employee Assistance Plan offered marriage counseling, she was no longer interested. I knew we were in trouble, but I didn't push. Now I was pushing and she agreed. Here's where the "I'm no angel" part comes in. She had caught me having inappropriate text conversations with other girls several times over the years. There were others that stopped because I had pissed off their boyfriends. I knew what I was doing, but I also didn't. Even though nothing ever went physical, I still couldn't understand why it hurt her so badly. She forgave, but never forgot. When I first started my current job, I got flown to DC for training, and she had asked me not to meet up with a friend of mine from college. I lied and said I wouldn't, but I did anyway. There was no emotional or physical cheating, but she called me while I was at dinner with this girl and her friends. The deception was a big problem. She always forgave me and we kept going.

So the summary is that I was never great. I wouldn't truly listen to her, I rarely defended her, I never treated her like my number one. So when I found out she cheated on me, I didn't run away. I knew that people make mistakes, and she had given up on us (she told me many times before, and I didn't listen). I considered it a wakeup call more than anything.

Things were gradually improving, but I was having a lot of trouble with some things. She was very close with two of the players, and would talk on snapchat with them constantly. Up to this point, I had never checked her phone. One night a few weeks after D-Day and after we'd already gone to counseling, I found she bought me a ticket to a concert so I could go with friends. She had gone to their house to swim in the lake during the week, and now she was going to go to their house for a fire before the season ended and they went back home. The whole night I was stressed out. When I got home from the concert, she was JUST LEAVING to go to their house. She was dressed up far too cute to be going to a campfire, but I let it go and dealt with it. She came home at 2:30am, and I felt I had made it through the hard part. A month later, the shock started wearing off, and I started getting more suspicious. I finally went into her phone and opened her snapchat (something I hadn't done yet). I saw only one of the players in her conversations, not both. Which meant she definitely favored one over the other. I saw messages where she called him the "sexiest" player, pictures of the two of them showing their tan lines by pulling bathing suits aside (nothing graphic but still inappropriate), her being very flirty, her sucking on a popsicle with the text "Popsicle before bed! Goodnight XOXO" and more. Again, nothing graphic, but wholly inappropriate. I confronted her with screenshots I took and she admitted to an EA. I finally understood what I had done to her for years. She still insists it was only an EA, and I haven't found anything to suggest they continued contact (there's a foreign language barrier and an overseas divide, so I'm not that worried). I do believe it was stopped in its tracks, but absolutely would have become physical if not for D-Day 1 and D-Day 2.

So back to the present, it's been six months. Her and I are closer than ever, but the rest of my life has fallen apart. It feels like an earthquake collapsed everything and I'm still picking up what pieces are important. I haven't booked any new concerts for next year, I can't focus on my job at all, and I've lost interest in almost everything I cared about other than her. In some ways, I'm okay with the idea of spending more time at home with her or getting to experience life with her instead of working or performing. I had been warned about this entertainer/workaholic kind of lifestyle, and I didn't listen until it was on my doorstep. I don't feel pressured into this, I'm doing it because I really do want to work this out.

Reading these forums has helped me make sense of everything leading up and everything after. I don't believe I'm in any danger, but my irrational brain won't let it go. Her best friend believes she hasn't done anything more than what I already know. The person who witnessed the kiss wouldn't tell me anymore, the VP of the organization wouldn't tell me anything, but my wife was dismissed from her role (they don't like distractions). I've been told that the guy she kissed got transferred to another team, so he's gone (plus there was no history there, it was a one time drunken makeout session).

I've become extremely suspicious not because of what happened or because I believe more happened than I know. These forums have corrupted me, and I can no longer trust ANYONE.

My reason for posting all of this was partly for my own catharsis, and partly to find out what I can do to break this habit of spending 7 hours a day reading these forums. It's only making me suspicious, eating up my work time, and is hurting my emotional help. The bulk of the porn I've been watching the past few months has been "cheating" themed. I'm experiencing an unhealthy obsession. Also wondering if there's any advice on how to continue working on improving the marriage other than the passing of time. I'm already in weekly IC, and we did a few months of MC. She hasn't gotten her own IC yet, but I still want her to.

Someone help me pick up the pieces of my life. I can't be the same person I was. I know too much. I'm okay with that. But I need to get my brain back to thinking about something other than infidelity before it becomes too late.


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## F**k_Hockey (3 mo ago)

I should also add that I've now read the "Five Languages of Love" and "Not Just Friends" and both have been monumental in helping me understand how my behavior helped contribute to this. The woman who did these things isn't my wife, she had become someone else by that point, but she's been more like herself than ever. I just can't stop looking for things to be red flags, even when they might not even exist.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Wow! I don’t know where to start. You have posted a lot for us veterans on here to digest.


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## F**k_Hockey (3 mo ago)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Wow! I don’t know where to start. You have posted a lot for us veterans on here to digest.


Yeah, I know I left out a LOT but there was no way to tell the whole story and not lose everyone halfway through.

I'm still glad I chose R over D because this whole thing truly woke me up from the fog I had been in and I've been working very hard at being her partner instead of just "her roommate." Sex is still intermittent, maybe 2-3/month, and sometimes she acts a little distant (which puts me on alert mode), but I think that's because certain underlying problems won't likely get fixed... Winter is about to set in, and I see her starting to suffer Seasonal Affective Disorder again. I worry that she'll get depressed, think I'm not being supportive, and look elsewhere again. I have no precedent to support this aside from this past spring, but I fear this anxiety will stay with me forever.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Hey, I am a former BH who reconciled. Hang in there. It can be accomplished. My advice is to be there. Be present. Not just there, if I am making sense. I would encourage you to consider Gottman Cards, and both of you try these out. I found them great for improving our communication. Dr. Gottman is a premier guru in marriage counseling. Check him out. You can get the actual cards, or down load them to your iPhone or Android.


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## F**k_Hockey (3 mo ago)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Hey, I am a former BH who reconciled. Hang in there. It can be accomplished. My advice is to be there. Be present. Not just there, if I am making sense. I would encourage you to consider Gottman Cards, and both of you try these out. I found them great for improving our communication. Dr. Gottman is a premier guru in marriage counseling. Check him out. You can get the actual cards, or down load them to your iPhone or Android.


Thank you for the suggestion! One of the things that happened during the depression last year was for Valentine's Day 2021 she got us a "date night" game. I kept putting off playing it. We finally did after R and it turns out I really enjoyed the time and fun with her. I now want to do more things like this. I never really understood that you have to continue to "date" your spouse until recently. I'm glad you're doing well. 

I still go back and forth between emotions daily. Happy, sad, suspicious, love-bombing, paranoid, etc. It's pretty rapid-fire and inconsistent. I bring up what happened frequently. Sometimes she'll engage, sometimes she gets upset. She still won't tell me his name (nobody will) because she isn't "there yet" and R has been slow because she said she checked out of this marriage over a year ago and it doesn't just "come right back."

I've become more emotionally understanding, putting myself in her shoes, and trying to truly just survive for the time being. Everything feels both in order and in shambles at any given time. Sometimes I think I should have ended it, most the time I don't. I'm going to distrust everyone for a long, long time, but at least I now trust myself to be a better person. Regardless of what happens from here, I'm still going to continue working on myself. 

I just worry she won't work on herself.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Ya know, people can be madly in love, and still do stupid things. 😌You both sound like you've had your fair share of emotional affairs, hers going a bit further. But, if you both want to reconcile, it will take more than love. You have to learn to hear and respect each other. You have to both want to change. You've been together for a while, and I'd say that counseling could be helpful, because you both sound like you don't really know how to consistently communicate with each other.

To your point about your wife ''looking elsewhere again,'' you'll have to make a choice if this is the kind of marriage you truly want, at that point.

I'd say you both need firm boundaries at the very least on that point - no more sexting other women/men, emotional affairs, etc...and go from there. I hope things get better for your marriage.


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## F**k_Hockey (3 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Ya know, people can be madly in love, and still do stupid things. 😌You both sound like you've had your fair share of emotional affairs, hers going a bit further. But, if you both want to reconcile, it will take more than love. You have to learn to hear and respect each other. You have to both want to change. You've been together for a while, and I'd say that counseling could be helpful, because you both sound like you don't really know how to consistently communicate with each other.
> 
> To your point about your wife ''looking elsewhere again,'' you'll have to make a choice if this is the kind of marriage you truly want, at that point.
> 
> I'd say you both need firm boundaries at the very least on that point - no more sexting other women/men, emotional affairs, etc...and go from there. I hope things get better for your marriage.


Thank you. You aren't wrong, that's something I figured out through all of this is that we became awful at communicating. She was always thoughtful toward me and I never really showed the appreciation. I thought I did, but I rarely did anything exclusively for her, it was always something that I also wanted. I've been working on this, and she is genuinely happier. I asked her the other day if she still thinks about divorce and she told me she doesn't.

I guess I just still need reassurance that things are going to be okay, even though it isn't possible to give that kind of reassurance.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Why are you wanting to work things out with a wife who wants to divorce but can’t afford to? Sex 2 to 3 times a month? You’re both still in your 30s? Is that really what you want? 

After supposedly reading a lot of threads these past few months, having a 2nd d day, you actually believe that she hasn’t hooked up with the 2nd guy that she made out with? The one that she left the house all dolled up to see lying that she was going to hang out camping?

btw, I doubt she got fired because of your snooping. I’d bet her and the player got busted and she was let go to stop any blow back for the player.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

It seems like there are significant incompatibilities that would make your relationship difficult even if there was no EA on your side or PA on her side (kissing is not EA).

You wanting kids and her not is a huge one.
You not feeling strongly enough about her to defend her.
Your family not liking her (this out in the open make out session she had will not help that situation).
Her not liking your location.
Her issues with continuous employment.

Add the affairs and deceit and mistrust to that.... I personally don't think your relationship is good for either of you. People that are self-confident and value themselves, don't allow people to cheat on them (emotionally or physically). She should have left you when you did it and you should be leaving her now.

You both seem like you just had a standard 20 year old type dating situation and learned a lot from it, but you did that at your current age while married. Most people aren't acting like that after learning lessons early on about how to be a good partner / spouse.

There are billions of others of the opposite sex, some of whom will want exactly what you want out of life... I would think heavily about exactly why you are trying to save this thing and giving up the opportunity of finding someone who is actually compatable with you. Maybe its comfort and you don't want to be unconfortable for a little while, maybe you are scared of being alone, maybe you are a fixer and don't give up easy... but logically it doesn't make sense to save this...

From a statistics standpoint, your chances of this lasting are low based on the factors above, so don't fall into a sunk cost fallacy and let your prior time together dictate your decisions going forward.

Some on here will assist you in pushing for reconcilation if that is the path you choose, but I don't see what you are saving and would be looking to cut your losses.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I just reread your original and last post and I’m more concerned for your situation. Your wife was very likely in a sexual PA with one of the players she made out with. That week of going to their house to “swim” is very suspect. She mentioned 2 players to throw you off but she was there for one of them.

I really think that it is very likely that these guys were not the first time she has stepped out on you. Your description of the distance your had last year sounds like a woman that was involved with someone else. She detached from you and still is.

Lastly, she doesn’t sound like R material. The slight improvement you’re seeing in your relationship doesn’t seem to be out of love and remorse. After 6 months since the betrayal, you have a sex life of someone in their 70s. At your age, with no kids, you should be having a way more passionate sex life. That you don’t, speaks volumes of her Lukewarm feelings for you and your lack of confidence in your relationship. Your fear of losing her leaps off the page. If I can sense it, so can she.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

You both sound like a hot mess with extremely poor boundaries. I think you’ll both keep continuing on as you have been until one of you finds their exit affair (I think it’ll be her).

And now you’re obsessing about trying to bust her or find more info… she already cheated! (I don’t allow my brothers lips anywhere near me, boy cooties.) But she tells you she’s kissing men at the bar “like her brother”. Haven’t heard that one before! Point for creativity there.

She goes to the bar and stays out until 2:30am partying with men… and you’re playing in a band until all hours of the day and night and this is normal behavior in your marriage…. I don’t know that your relationship can withstand the growing pains, or that you two are even suited for marriage at this point… it just doesn’t seem like it can work out. I think all you can do at this point is make a concerted effort to work on yourself and find out why you’re so drawn to EA’s… and dysfunction.


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## F**k_Hockey (3 mo ago)

I've considered all of these things so far. 

To clarify, the player she had the EA with and went to visit was not the same player that she kissed. I have no proof that anything more happened, but I operate on the assumption that I don't know everything, that much more could have happened, and I might never know one way or the other. 

Yes, there are some incompatibilities, but we both waffle on those at times. I truly do go back and forth about kids. Sometimes I really want them (last year it felt like a biological urge), and sometimes I really don't know that I could give up my lifestyle at this time. She usually doesn't want to have kids (not because she doesn't want them, but because she has severe endometriosis that lowers her probability of carrying a successful pregnancy and she doesn't want to have to sacrifice her body to deliver one - as a feminist myself, I get that argument and don't blame her) but sometimes she does, and she has proposed adoption. No decision has been made because neither of us are really sure. She also does find things she really loves about the area, but she hates the weather and the attitude of the people who live here. Otherwise, it's a mixed bag like anywhere else. I could also see myself moving once our parents are no longer around. I won't leave them behind.

She was only going out without me because I let her. Prior to last year, it wasn't a problem. Ever since, I've been with her every time and we've been having a great time. We used to before, I just started withdrawing into myself and started acting out when she would want us to go out together, and I was emotionally checking out, so she started going without me. This wasn't something that just changed overnight. We lost focus on each other gradually. She no longer associates with any of the crowd she fell into.

Could it happen again? Possibly. But I do believe that this wasn't something either of us sought out intentionally, we were terrible at communicating with each other, and rather than address it, we sabotaged ourselves and each other. I honestly used to make her look bad in front of people without even seeing that I was doing it or without having a good reason to. Looking back on my behavior over the past decade, I don't know how much of it was shaped by my upbringing. I've been working on unlearning a lot and it's helped so much with my attitude and approach toward empathy. She fell in love with me because of it and fell out of love because I stopped showing it a long time ago. While I'm still scared in the back of my mind, I feel more like myself than I have in years, and she's been more like herself than she has in years as well.

I vowed to cut my performance schedule in half for next year, not because she asked for it, but because I was warned by my bassist ten years ago that his first marriage fell apart because he was always away playing. Honestly many of my musician friends have lost marriages for the same reason. I knew this was possible, but I ignored it. I made the decision to start living more of my life outside of being an entertainer, and spending it with my wife. It feels like there's so much more possibility now. 

"Like kissing her brother" was definitely a new one, and I knew it was likely false. I know when she gets overly drunk she would have a habit of kissing girls, which always made me a little uncomfortable. This time it was a guy, and that was where the line was drawn. After counseling, she won't be kissing girls anymore either because she understands that even kissing a girl is breaking her vow. I'm holding her to it.

Her issues with chronic unemployment were because she dropped out of college after one year because her best friend did, and she didn't go back until just before we got married. She got an associates degree, but every job she got after ended up being a completely miserable factory job with no windows, hazy air quality, a "boys club" environment, and she was getting depressed. She would get laid off when a major contract ended and start over somewhere else. She finally broke that cycle with her new job that actually pays almost as much as I earn, so the income inequality is gone, her environment is much happier, she likes what she does. I think there's finally hope that this could work out, but I'm also realistically not letting my guard down.

I know it's complicated, but so is everyone's story here. Yes, I made a post knowing full well that I was going to have questions asked. That's not a bad thing. I wanted to make sure I've considered every possible question or angle, as I'm moving forward cautiously. Our lives were definitely unsustainable. It all broke, as expected. I know our marriage that we knew is dead, but maybe that's okay. We both learned a lot from it. Do I believe she's a cheater? She did cheat. Prior to that, she had only cheated on one other ex, and it was because he rampantly cheated on her first. She knows what she did was appalling, but what I did was as well. I had a chance to walk away. I honestly almost did. It was an extremely difficult few weeks following D-Day (including D-Day 2 - which, by the way, had also already stopped by the time I saw the snaps... they were only still visible because he saved them to chat). There was a lot of heartache and long discussions. There were fights, there was crying, there has been learning. 

Everything has been a mess, but it's slowly cleaning up. If things go south again, I think we'll both know that we did our best trying again but were too broken. I'm hoping that isn't the case, but I'm not stupid. Crossing my fingers and hoping this was the worst of it. I will continue to verify and keep my guard up until I feel completely safe, but even then, I know too much about how this stuff works, and I think even if we were to split up, I'd be just as distrustful of a new partner for a long time.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

F**k_Hockey said:


> I've considered all of these things so far.
> 
> To clarify, the player she had the EA with and went to visit was not the same player that she kissed. I have no proof that anything more happened, but I operate on the assumption that I don't know everything, that much more could have happened, and I might never know one way or the other.
> 
> ...


So she goes out and kisses girls but promises to stop doing that smh… you two sound like college kids not grown people trying to make a marriage work. It would be very very bad for you two to bring kids into this situation. Very unstable. And if you did, you’re never going to leave her no matter what she does. (The very idea that you should stay with eachother in dysfunction because you won’t trust a new partner points directly at your own insecurities and unhealthy thinking)

Are you both getting counseling? 

By the way, you’re BOTH cheaters. Right now. Because you both seek a type of external attention and affection that destroys relationships when anything gets difficult or boring. Her cheating on an ex boyfriend “because he did it first” doesn’t make her loyal, it makes her dysfunctional. The way you word things is telling… “only” cheated on one other guy. Did you two have a bunch of cheating in your families growing up?


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## sleeping_sandman (2 mo ago)

So, Just to get it straight: she Kissed one Guy and nobody is telling you anything relating to it. But your wife lost her job over it - a brotherly kiss.
The she had an EA with another guy.
Am I the only one seeing a pattern here?


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## F**k_Hockey (3 mo ago)

sleeping_sandman said:


> So, Just to get it straight: she Kissed one Guy and nobody is telling you anything relating to it. But your wife lost her job over it - a brotherly kiss.
> The she had an EA with another guy.
> Am I the only one seeing a pattern here?


The organization didn't even know about it until I reached out and asked the VP if she knew if what I had heard was true (I did this the morning of D-Day, two weeks after). The witnesses protect the players, so they weren't going to bring it up to anyone. The only reason I found out was because the one guy's wife couldn't keep it quiet and told my sister. She wasn't let go officially until August, despite everything happening in April. The players hadn't been around since May, so there's no timeline that works with this theory. When they let her go, they told her they were "going in a different direction" without actually acknowledging what happened, but a week prior, the director of programming had mentioned to her that the organization was worried I might interfere and draw them into a bad light. They were more concerned with rumors getting out than they were with what had actually happened. I used to work fairly closely with them as well, but I'm glad we're both stepping away from it. Distance is good in this case.


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## F**k_Hockey (3 mo ago)

QuietRiot said:


> So she goes out and kisses girls but promises to stop doing that smh… you two sound like college kids not grown people trying to make a marriage work. It would be very very bad for you two to bring kids into this situation. Very unstable. And if you did, you’re never going to leave her no matter what she does. (The very idea that you should stay with eachother in dysfunction because you won’t trust a new partner points directly at your own insecurities and unhealthy thinking)
> 
> Are you both getting counseling?
> 
> By the way, you’re BOTH cheaters. Right now. Because you both seek a type of external attention and affection that destroys relationships when anything gets difficult or boring. Her cheating on an ex boyfriend “because he did it first” doesn’t make her loyal, it makes her dysfunctional. The way you word things is telling… “only” cheated on one other guy. Did you two have a bunch of cheating in your families growing up?


Yes, a lot of our relationship has felt like two people refusing to officially grow up. We've always reluctantly embraced typical adult lifestyles bit by bit, but this kind of forced us to re-evaluate how that was working for us overall. It clearly wasn't. The heavy social drinking had always been a problem. Yes, I have a tendency to seek external affection, and it was definitely self-destructive. This whole thing was so out of character for her that it completely blew the minds of the people we told. I really do think that this wasn't something that would have happened had we established better boundaries, been better at communicating, and not psychologically sabotaged each other leading up to it.

No, there's no history of cheating in my family. Her family definitely doesn't fit the description of a nuclear family (only child, single father, moved around a lot, etc) so the life we have is definitely not what she's used to. By buying a house in the suburbs, I ended her nomadic lifestyle, and it's kind of a mixed bag for her.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

F**k_Hockey said:


> She was only going out without me because I let her.


Don't you see there is a huge problem with this statement.... if left to her own devices she goes out and cheats on you, so the solution is to not let her go out without you?

You have a lot of excuses of why you should continue with her, when basically everything in your relationship is a red flag, including how you are handling this situation.

If a friend came to you with the same story, what would your advice be? You seem unable to take a step back and look at the overall situation...


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Tbh, sounds like both of you need to work a ton on yourselves first before figuring out how to repair your relationship.


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## F**k_Hockey (3 mo ago)

Spoons027 said:


> Tbh, sounds like both of you need to work a ton on yourselves first before figuring out how to repair your relationship.


No joke.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

F**k_Hockey said:


> My reason for posting all of this was partly for my own catharsis, and partly to find out what I can do to break this habit of spending 7 hours a day reading these forums. It's only making me suspicious, eating up my work time, and is hurting my emotional help. The bulk of the porn I've been watching the past few months has been "cheating" themed. I'm experiencing an unhealthy obsession.


 I have experienced this myself. Sometimes it's hard to discern between paranoia and red flags because of all the scenarios you see here. I don't really know what to tell you about how to fix it except to take a break after you've gotten the bulk of what you need from TAM. Many members have such a hard time NOT reading that they ask for bans from the moderators. 

You are wise to assume more happened than you know about. The 'pool party' and the 'campfire' both involved more and likely more egregious activities than you have evidence of. It's virtually an impossibility that they didn't, that's not how adult sexual relationships work. Short of an attack of conscience (I wouldn't hold my breath, she didn't admit to anything until caught), a lie detector test may be your only option giving you a parking lot confession or useful info. You have to be careful with that as well and make sure that the administrator words the questions in a way that you will be satisfied with the answers whether good or bad.
I think I might try to pressure the VP or team she was let go from with the threat of 'bad press' if they don't divulge the facts of her release. This might be a non-starter though.
What is her job now?


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## F**k_Hockey (3 mo ago)

Rubix Cubed said:


> I have experienced this myself. Sometimes it's hard to discern between paranoia and red flags because of all the scenarios you see here. I don't really know what to tell you about how to fix it except to take a break after you've gotten the bulk of what you need from TAM. Many members have such a hard time NOT reading that they ask for bans from the moderators.
> 
> You are wise to assume more happened than you know about. The 'pool party' and the 'campfire' both involved more and likely more egregious activities than you have evidence of. It's virtually an impossibility that they didn't, that's not how adult sexual relationships work. Short of an attack of conscience (I wouldn't hold my breath, she didn't admit to anything until caught), a lie detector test may be your only option giving you a parking lot confession or useful info. You have to be careful with that as well and make sure that the administrator words the questions in a way that you will be satisfied with the answers whether good or bad.
> I think I might try to pressure the VP or team she was let go from with the threat of 'bad press' if they don't divulge the facts of her release. This might be a non-starter though.
> What is her job now?


I don't want to specifically say because the more details I give, the clearer a picture I paint of our identities. I already gave away more than I'm comfortable with but was necessary for context.

Yeah, coming back here is only making it harder, it's practically an addiction. I wondered why so many people were banned.

I finally posted after several months of reading because I needed to talk about it, and since we aren't telling people (the back and forth of who did what and when would do nothing but destroy our reputations, though it isn't off the table should the need for it arise). I have therapy once a week and my therapist agrees that I'm dealing with an obsession with the cheating (I don't want to call it an affair because it wasn't something that went on so much as happened), which was alright at first, but yeah, I'm chasing literally everything that feels like a flag, even amplifying behavior that isn't that suspicious but only appears suspicious because of what I went through. Even with all of the chasing, nothing seems to imply she's gone back on her word in any way. Maybe subconsciously I want her to screw up so I can justify still feeling this way. It sucks.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

She wasn’t going out because “you let her”! 🙄
She was going out because she wanted to! And that was HER priority!
Are you two still doing counseling together?
what is your wife’s attitude/changing about what happened with her betrayal?

i don’t understand why you don’t see that your wife has been involved in a full on affair? Possibly several affairs over the years.


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## F**k_Hockey (3 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> She wasn’t going out because “you let her”! 🙄
> She was going out because she wanted to! And that was HER priority!
> Are you two still doing counseling together?
> what is your wife’s attitude/changing about what happened with her betrayal?
> ...


It is entirely possible she was. I take every day one day at a time because I never know how I'll feel or what I'll learn. I'm just working on me for now.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

F**k_Hockey said:


> I don't want to specifically say because the more details I give, the clearer a picture I paint of our identities. I already gave away more than I'm comfortable with but was necessary for context.
> 
> Yeah, coming back here is only making it harder, it's practically an addiction. I wondered why so many people were banned.
> 
> I finally posted after several months of reading because I needed to talk about it, and since we aren't telling people (the back and forth of who did what and when would do nothing but destroy our reputations, though it isn't off the table should the need for it arise). I have therapy once a week and my therapist agrees that I'm dealing with an obsession with the cheating (I don't want to call it an affair because it wasn't something that went on so much as happened), which was alright at first, but yeah, I'm chasing literally everything that feels like a flag, even amplifying behavior that isn't that suspicious but only appears suspicious because of what I went through. Even with all of the chasing, nothing seems to imply she's gone back on her word in any way. Maybe subconsciously I want her to screw up so I can justify still feeling this way. It sucks.


I mean, after something like this, just word alone won’t mean much. If her actions are remorseful and consistent over time, then you at least have something to work with. But it’s good that you’re taking time for yourself as well.


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## F**k_Hockey (3 mo ago)

Spoons027 said:


> I mean, after something like this, just word alone won’t mean much. If her actions are remorseful and consistent over time, then you at least have something to work with. But it’s good that you’re taking time for yourself as well.


Her actions do seem remorsefull and consistent, especially over the past few months. That said, if I were to find out that the EA was actually a PA and she had done more than I was aware of, I think I would stop R in its tracks.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

What exactly is SHE doing to repair the damage she caused?


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## F**k_Hockey (3 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> What exactly is SHE doing to repair the damage she caused?


She no longer goes out clubbing without me, and if she does, it's been only with a few girls that I know without a doubt are good friends of the marriage and don't have ulterior motives. She's been better about her anger outbursts and doesn't treat me like I'm an inconvenience to her lifestyle anymore (as I have been with her since as well), we communicate more openly, and she's been open with me about who she has conversations with.

That said, I still don't trust her fully and might not for a long time, if ever. I trust but verify.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

F**k_Hockey said:


> I don't want to specifically say because the more details I give, the clearer a picture I paint of our identities. I already gave away more than I'm comfortable with but was necessary for context.


I wasn't really asking for specifics, sorry if it came off that way.
I was wondering more if she is still in an environment that could be inducive to her cheating again.





F**k_Hockey said:


> Even with all of the chasing, nothing seems to imply she's gone back on her word in any way. Maybe subconsciously I want her to screw up so I can justify still feeling this way. It sucks.


Trust but verify is the mantra you need to live by.
You need to try to find a balance (obviously) between obsessing and letting your guard down.
I doubt subconsciously you want her to cheat again but more you want security that you know everything, unfortunately, that will never happen even if you find out more, there will always seems to be more and you get stuck in the constantly looking. Time helps with this some, it's still early days for you.


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## F**k_Hockey (3 mo ago)

Rubix Cubed said:


> I wasn't really asking for specifics, sorry if it came off that way.
> I was wondering more if she is still in an environment that could be inducive to her cheating again.
> 
> 
> ...


That's what I've realized as I move forward. Sometimes I accept what I don't know and can't change and can confidently continue. Sometimes I'm a complete paranoid wreck. I'm still wildly dynamic with my emotional state. She's been good at working with me on it. I've had honest conversations about how guilty I feel about how I treated her in the years prior, that I finally understand how much I hurt her, and that I'm going to be experiencing this variety of emotions for a long time regarding everything. She understands.

Tough to say about work environment. Yes, in theory, it could be inducive to cheating. She has little oversight, gets to travel locally for half the day to solicit business, and were she to find someone else and stray, there would be plenty of opportunity. But on the flip side, she's actually happy for what feels like the first time in years, and she's included me in this new life. She also goes out of her way to keep me informed of her whereabouts, ESPECIALLY when she knows I might have some reservations or fears or triggers.

Could all of this be complete horseshit? Sure, it could be. I'm learning to navigate as I go.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

F**k_Hockey said:


> Her actions do seem remorsefull and consistent, especially over the past few months. That said, if I were to find out that the EA was actually a PA and she had done more than I was aware of, I think I would stop R in its tracks.


Did she finally admit her brotherly kiss was not appropriate and not brotherly (whatever that means) or is that still the story she’s sticking to?


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## F**k_Hockey (3 mo ago)

QuietRiot said:


> Did she finally admit her brotherly kiss was not appropriate and not brotherly (whatever that means) or is that still the story she’s sticking to?


That's the story she stuck to. She knows I don't believe her and that I know what it was, and given how drunk she was when I picked her up, it is possible she kind of blacked out and didn't fully understand what she was doing, but it's also possible she's going to lie and take it to her grave.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

F**k_Hockey said:


> That's the story she stuck to. She knows I don't believe her and that I know what it was, and given how drunk she was when I picked her up, it is possible she kind of blacked out and didn't fully understand what she was doing, but it's also possible she's going to lie and take it to her grave.


That’s not remorse sir.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

You know we're not buying her story.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

F**k_Hockey said:


> She also goes out of her way to keep me informed of her whereabouts, ESPECIALLY when she knows I might have some reservations or fears or triggers.


 Well, that's a good sign.


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## F**k_Hockey (3 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> You know we're not buying her story.


I never said I was buying it either. I've accepted that it happened, and I can only work within what I know and what I can still learn. I dug hard and I dug deep and probably crossed into the territory of borderline insanity at times, and I've learned everything I possibly can without her directly telling me that there's more. I can't change the past, but I have learned from it.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

F**k_Hockey said:


> I never said I was buying it either. I've accepted that it happened, and I can only work within what I know and what I can still learn. I dug hard and I dug deep and probably crossed into the territory of borderline insanity at times, and I've learned everything I possibly can without her directly telling me that there's more. I can't change the past, but I have learned from it.


I'm sorry you're going through it. Since you've read a lot here, you know that you need to imagine the worst. It's probably what happened. You and she can start all over again, but it will never be the same.

And I may be in the minority, but I don't equate an EA with a PA. I could recover from an EA. Not a PA.


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## F**k_Hockey (3 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> I'm sorry you're going through it. Since you've read a lot here, you know that you need to imagine the worst. It's probably what happened. You and she can start all over again, but it will never be the same.
> 
> And I may be in the minority, but I don't equate an EA with a PA. I could recover from an EA. Not a PA.


I didn't even technically know that such a thing as an emotional affair existed until I started reading this site. And based on what I know now, I feel like both hit me equally as hard. And yes I have thoroughly imagined the worst, and to her credit, she has talked me through it and maintained that nothing more happened. It still doesn't stop me from occasionally going soft during intimacy because the mind movies start playing. Once or twice she tried something new and it freaked me out, but I talked to her about it and she insisted it wasn't something she learned from anyone else, just something she wanted to try that she thought I might like.

I don't know that I can believe her or not. I'm probably going to war with myself over this for a long time. It might work out and it might not, but right now I'm just picking up the pieces. It basically felt like an earthquake destroyed everything I cared about, and now I'm trying to decide what things should be picked back up and what things should be left to rest.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I don’t see where she has had consequences.
She has been sticking to her lie(s). It’s possible she’s lied about other times too.

without severe consequences - she knows she can just do it again and act all sorry and you’ll forgive her without ANY truth at all!


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

F**k_Hockey said:


> Her actions do seem remorsefull and consistent, especially over the past few months. That said, if I were to find out that the EA was actually a PA and she had done more than I was aware of, I think I would stop R in its tracks.


OK, now you are getting somewhere... you can't forgive what you don't know...

So get the timeline from her and then tell her about the polygraph (you probably don't even need to do the poly)...

If you are afraid to take this step, then you are afraid of what you might find out.

If she is afraid of it, she has something to hide... you'll probably hear "why can't you just trust me"


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

She has a EA and all of a sudden has new move or positions she wants to try.

Seriously 😳

Schedule a polygraph and take her to it. Tell her what it is in the parking lot. Ask if she has anything to say before you go in. Ask the examiner what questions should be asked for your situation. Do not tell her about it until your in the parking lot.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

IF she was seriously DOING the hard work to help YOU understand what she has done - the truth - and doing everything in her power to set things right FOR YOU to have peace of mind about her behaviors - you wouldn’t feel so unsettled…but you do - so she is t doing enough to repair the damage she caused.
And without her getting completely honest… looks like your only option is to polygraph her.
That is the only way you’re going to know how much she’s cheated on you over the years. My bet is - it’s a LOT.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

A couple of points. 

You seem like you have a plan in place. 

You may never know the extent of what actually happened. 

Hopefully you found out early enough to stop it in its tracks. 

If it really bothers you , you could try the poly. It may shed more light on the actual dynamics of exactly what transpired . If there was more, it will destroy any R attempt. You have already acknowledged this.

As far as consequences , that would be divorce .

NOT tying your wife to the whipping post and constantly throwing it in her face....Thats what some here want you to do...Punish her...

That won't help IMO and isn't adult

Unfortunately , many posters will continue to tell you there was much more. It's only the tip of the iceberg , further fueling your obsession with TAM.

I'm not saying you don't need to hear these things. Yet use your own judgment.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

Jimi007 said:


> Unfortunately , many posters will continue to tell you there was much more. It's only the tip of the iceberg , further fueling your obsession with TAM.


Well, that is because it is *ALWAYS* way worst than what the SO wants her/him to know.

It's not TAM doing this, it's the cheating filth.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

BoSlander said:


> Well, that is because it is *ALWAYS* way worst than what the SO wants her/him to know.
> 
> It's not TAM doing this, it's the cheating filth.


You must be shaking one of those crazy 8 balls....Or maybe you gave a crystal ball . 

Your doing exactly what I said , and you have been called out on it before .


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## CoastieDadz93 (11 mo ago)

Honestly Dude, I've been where your at with all the information compiling and all it does is make you more resentful, build anxiety (which will lead onto depression), suck up all your time and ignore everything else that matters and be blind to people who really care about you and maybe from the opposite sex and lose that opportunity. I did this the first and second around and never received an apology just excuse's for her actions, and here I am the second time finally gonna get Divo'ed. 

So instead of writing a book on here to explain things, gonna be straight up and tell you that within three to four years after you think everything is back to normal and looking good she will still end up leaving you and you will find this out the hard way cos now she has the experience to know how your researching her activities and such. 

I wish you all the best of luck and really do pray you work things out with her, just keep a log of all this and look back onto it when you need to.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

Jimi007 said:


> You must be shaking one of those crazy 8 balls....Or maybe you gave a crystal ball .
> 
> Your doing exactly what I said , and you have been called out on it before .


Once bitten, twice shy my friend.

Innocence is gone.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

re16 said:


> OK, now you are getting somewhere... you can't forgive what you don't know...
> 
> So get the timeline from her and then tell her about the polygraph (you probably don't even need to do the poly)...
> 
> ...


OP, this x1000 -- get a detailed, written timeline and tell her she's going to have to defend it via a polygraph. You are being more than decent to her, just by not blowing up her affair to friends and family. She is facing almost no consequences, which is your choice I guess, but at least get the written timeline/polygraph to put your mind at ease (or to get the rest of the story, which is also likely). She owes that to you at a minimum after what she's done, anything less is rug-sweeping. I don't have time to go back and read the thread right now, but it's also critical that she is in IC with a therapist who specialized in infidelity... She is broken, and she needs to figure that out and fix her issues in therapy before she can be considered to be a safe partner for you, or anyone else. 

Stand up for yourself and insist on all of the above. Hang in there.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Jimi007 said:


> Unfortunately , many posters will continue to tell you there was much more. It's only the tip of the iceberg , further fueling your obsession with TAM.
> 
> I'm not saying you don't need to hear these things.


I'm going to come back this post after you've been here 10 years Jimi.... and see if you still think the same way. It is not us just projecting our own experience... it is the experience of trying to help hundreds of people through these types of situations over a decade on TAM...... are we always right... no... are we usually right... yes.


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## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

Are you two in love with each other? Why are you still married? Sounds like she's doing it for financial reasons. I'd guess you're doing it because it's your comfy status quo. 

You've both had EA affairs, she's likely had a PA with a hockey player. Have a heart to heart with your wife, is your marriage worth saving? If you both think yes, get busy and do the hard work of trying to make it better. HARD WORK not going to improve without it.

Sounds like you're both just kind of zombies in a marriage full of cheating, both of you waiting for something momentous to happen to end the marriage.


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## F**k_Hockey (3 mo ago)

Exit37 said:


> OP, this x1000 -- get a detailed, written timeline and tell her she's going to have to defend it via a polygraph. You are being more than decent to her, just by not blowing up her affair to friends and family. She is facing almost no consequences, which is your choice I guess, but at least get the written timeline/polygraph to put your mind at ease (or to get the rest of the story, which is also likely). She owes that to you at a minimum after what she's done, anything less is rug-sweeping. I don't have time to go back and read the thread right now, but it's also critical that she is in IC with a therapist who specialized in infidelity... She is broken, and she needs to figure that out and fix her issues in therapy before she can be considered to be a safe partner for you, or anyone else.
> 
> Stand up for yourself and insist on all of the above. Hang in there.


Already do have the timeline and while I'm not entirely satisfied with it, there's no obvious proof she's lying.


SnowToArmPits said:


> Are you two in love with each other? Why are you still married? Sounds like she's doing it for financial reasons. I'd guess you're doing it because it's your comfy status quo.
> 
> You've both had EA affairs, she's likely had a PA with a hockey player. Have a heart to heart with your wife, is your marriage worth saving? If you both think yes, get busy and do the hard work of trying to make it better. HARD WORK not going to improve without it.
> 
> Sounds like you're both just kind of zombies in a marriage full of cheating, both of you waiting for something momentous to happen to end the marriage.


Last year it was definitely bad. We barely spoke to each other. Both of us going through depression, fighting constantly, couldn't communicate. We kind of buried ourselves in our independent lifestyles more and more until we were both convinced the marriage was over and didn't think it could be saved. We fell out of love, and it was awful. Then she kissed the player, and that was basically rock bottom. We agreed to look at how we got where we were, and both agreed there were changes we had to make. The past six months have been tumultuous but does feel like a gradual improvement. It has been very difficult and we've had a lot of very difficult conversations. The Love Languages book was extremely influential in getting us back on track. We were basically running our tanks on empty. I truly don't believe that she started any of this with any ill intentions, but acted more out of desperation. It was definitely wrong, But I definitely would have ended up divorced without question had it not occurred. It was the kind of thing that woke us up.

I'm already fully aware of the timeline, and like I said earlier, it really doesn't seem likely that there was anything else.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Good for you, I hope it works out! I didn't see that she is in IC, maybe I missed that but if not she really needs to work through this with a good counselor so she can become a safe partner. Anything short of that is rug sweeping, and she is at risk to pick up the behavior again the next time your relationship hits a stale spot.


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## F**k_Hockey (3 mo ago)

Exit37 said:


> Good for you, I hope it works out! I didn't see that she is in IC, maybe I missed that but if not she really needs to work through this with a good counselor so she can become a safe partner. Anything short of that is rug sweeping, and she is at risk to pick up the behavior again the next time your relationship hits a stale spot.


I fully agree. No, she isn't in IC yet. It's something I bring up every 2 or 3 days and I'm not going to stop bringing it up until she reaches out and secures a counselor. She hasn't seen one in years and she really should. She had a lot of childhood trauma, including being forced to perform oral sex on her babysitter's 18-year-old son when she was 8. All things considered she turned out fairly normal, but I can definitely tell that she's got some stuff to work through.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

F**k_Hockey said:


> I truly don't believe that she started any of this with any ill intentions, but acted more out of desperation.


 She didn't start it with ill intentions because that would mean she was intentionally trying to hurt you. She likely didn't think of you at all, not whether you'd be hurt or pissed off. You weren't even a thought. She did it for herself because she wanted to, and if she doesn't have serious consequences she'll do it again and again.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

F**k_Hockey said:


> I'm already fully aware of the timeline, and like I said earlier, it really doesn't seem likely that there was anything else.


You have indicated you are taking a “trust but verify” approach, which I don’t think she even deserves that much because of her attitude about her make out session in public. But that’s your prerogative… however the statement above is not “trust but verify”. That’s just trust.

I don’t think you quite comprehend that people are trying to save you from another kick in the head months or years down the road. At best, you’ll get to struggle with the inconsistencies and wonder what actually happened, at worst… she does it again and again and again. At least with a polygraph, you can put some of your questions to rest.




F**k_Hockey said:


> I fully agree. No, she isn't in IC yet. It's something I bring up every 2 or 3 days and I'm not going to stop bringing it up until she reaches out and secures a counselor. She hasn't seen one in years and she really should. She had a lot of childhood trauma, including being forced to perform oral sex on her babysitter's 18-year-old son when she was 8. All things considered she turned out fairly normal, but I can definitely tell that she's got some stuff to work through.


And yet another red flag. She’s not in IC, nor does she want to be. 

Is she your teenage daughter or your wife who should be doing just as much, no, MORE self work considering she crossed physical lines.

This woman is a bad bet. I’m sorry she’s riddled with inconsistencies and lack of accountability. I wish you well, but I think you’re setting yourself up for more heartache and pain.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Wish you the best. If you want to look at your wife cheating on you as what saved your marriage, that is on you. You can join the others that have published their stories in newspapers and magazines. Real can’t see how they swallow that sewage. I believe you would have been better off divorced and with someone that had the character to never cheat.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

It really doesn’t sound like she is doing everything possible (or even 20%) of what she could to help HEAL the marriage - much less the damage she has done to it!
And you seem to make excuses for her lack of effort.
she seems lukewarm in her efforts - and that’s just never going to be good enough to make the marriage work at this juncture. It’s also why you are feeling unsettled about the past too.
I don’t think she is rushed to change because she knows you’ll stay with her while she does very little effort to help you in all this pain she’s created.

read some stories here about spouses that made effort to help their spouse - and stories of spouses that didn’t make the effort… then tell me which category your marriage falls under.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

F**k_Hockey said:


> Last year it was definitely bad. We barely spoke to each other. Both of us going through depression, fighting constantly, couldn't communicate. We kind of buried ourselves in our independent lifestyles more and more until we were both convinced the marriage was over and didn't think it could be saved. We fell out of love, and it was awful. Then she kissed the player, and that was basically rock bottom. We agreed to look at how we got where we were, and both agreed there were changes we had to make. The past six months have been tumultuous but does feel like a gradual improvement. It has been very difficult and we've had a lot of very difficult conversations. The Love Languages book was extremely influential in getting us back on track. We were basically running our tanks on empty. I truly don't believe that she started any of this with any ill intentions, but acted more out of desperation. It was definitely wrong, But I definitely would have ended up divorced without question had it not occurred. It was the kind of thing that woke us up.
> 
> I'm already fully aware of the timeline, and like I said earlier, it really doesn't seem likely that there was anything else.


Sounds like you have a game plan and are confident you know the whole situation... I hope it works for you...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Jimi007 said:


> A couple of points.
> 
> You seem like you have a plan in place.
> 
> ...


Her knowing, that you know, will come through, with every glance, every eyebrow raised.

She will know, with you not saying another word.

Every TV show, every movie where there is cheating, will stimulate that guilt, that she is known as a cheater.

Provided, she cares.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

F**k_Hockey said:


> That's the story she stuck to. She knows I don't believe her and that I know what it was, and given how drunk she was when I picked her up, it is possible she kind of blacked out and didn't fully understand what she was doing, but it's also possible she's going to lie and take it to her grave.


I've seen so many posts where someone is given a reduced sentence, not held as accountable, because they were drunk. That's just nuts. Your wife understands what drinking does to her, and she does it anyway. I'm hoping that it's past tense now. If she was willing to drink to the point that she would lose any degree of control, with people around her who aren't supportive of your marriage vows. that's 100% on her and indicative of a problem drinker. That has to be dealt with or else she'll go back to it as an "easy" way to dismiss inconvenient boundaries again.


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## F**k_Hockey (3 mo ago)

Casual Observer said:


> I've seen so many posts where someone is given a reduced sentence, not held as accountable, because they were drunk. That's just nuts. Your wife understands what drinking does to her, and she does it anyway. I'm hoping that it's past tense now. If she was willing to drink to the point that she would lose any degree of control, with people around her who aren't supportive of your marriage vows. that's 100% on her and indicative of a problem drinker. That has to be dealt with or else she'll go back to it as an "easy" way to dismiss inconvenient boundaries again.


She was in a dark place at the time so she was partying and drinking a lot more than normal. We were both on the precipice of divorce regardless, so I can kind of understand how it went. She gets trashed on two drinks (extremely low tolerance) and tends to binge. Ever since, it's been different. She doesn't go out without me anymore, and if she does, it's with people we both trust fully (friends of the marriage, not of the individual). I know there's always the possibility things will go South, and I'm prepared for that outcome. But she has been very good about boundaries since. This whole thing was extremely out of character for her. We both kind of lost who we were and wanted to be. I considered leaving her to find someone else but when all this came to light, the whole world collapsed for both of us. Basically starting over.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Casual Observer said:


> I've seen so many posts where someone is given a reduced sentence, not held as accountable, because they were drunk. That's just nuts. Your wife understands what drinking does to her, and she does it anyway. I'm hoping that it's past tense now. If she was willing to drink to the point that she would lose any degree of control, with people around her who aren't supportive of your marriage vows. that's 100% on her and indicative of a problem drinker. That has to be dealt with or else she'll go back to it as an "easy" way to dismiss inconvenient boundaries again.


I not only do not see drunkenness as an excuse or reduced sentence, but I consider it as a separate and ADDITIONAL offense. I see it as a compounding offense and not an extenuating circumstance.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

F**k_Hockey said:


> I was close to leaving her for someone else but when all this came to light


Seriously?!?!

I just wrote and erased about 8 sentences. You two are… never mind. Just never mind.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

sleeping_sandman said:


> So, Just to get it straight: she Kissed one Guy and nobody is telling you anything relating to it. But your wife lost her job over it - a brotherly kiss.
> The she had an EA with another guy.
> Am I the only one seeing a pattern here?


Not to mention she is still protecting the guy she was supposedly only sucking face with. Bet the guy had GF or wife and she does not want him getting in trouble with you or his woman. She still protects her AP and prioritizes him over OP.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

F**k_Hockey said:


> Her actions do seem remorsefull and consistent, especially over the past few months. That said, if I were to find out that the EA was actually a PA and she had done more than I was aware of, I think I would stop R in its tracks.


Not telling you the guys name is not being remorseful, she is still protecting him. Take her to a poly and find out if there was more.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> Not telling you the guys name is not being remorseful, she is still protecting him. Take her to a poly and find out if there was more.


I don’t think a lot of people understand that acting pathetic and saying “I’m remorseful!” is not the same thing as being remorseful. Ah well. So it goes.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Casual Observer said:


> If she was willing to drink to the point that she would lose any degree of control, with people around her who aren't supportive of your marriage vows. that's 100% on her and indicative of a problem drinker.


A problem drinker?
OK.

I see it, as her having problematic boundaries.

When, under the influence, we tend to do what we subconsciously want to do.

Alcohol lowers and weakens your inhibitions.
The *Stop Signs* 🛑 then get, ignored.

She is both, being influenced by her subconscious and by alcohol's attraction.
Sad people, depressed people, find alcohol a preferred outlet.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

no more alcohol
no more going out alone

mandatory polygraph test


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

As long as you’re ok that your wife was partying and cheating with the hockey team, so be it. Have fun going where some of the team has gone before.

Rug swept and will end up destroying the relationship. There are guys on here now that are in their 60-80’s wishing like hell they could cope with what their wife did 20-40 years ago. Now their life is in a shambles.


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