# Pre-marital sex or no?



## marcy*

I'm doing a research paper on pre-marital sex and i'm interested to know your opinion.I posted the same thread in another forum with different culture from yours.
I want to see the differences that exists between these two different countries, when it comes to marriage and mostly about women.
Some of questions are:
Do you think a virgin woman is more likely to be a good wife and mother?
A virgin is more likely to be faithful to her husband?
Do you think that a virgin should marry a virgin in order to have a successful marriage? What if she is a virgin and her husband has had to many partners before marriage? Do you think this kind of relationship will work?
I would really appreciate your opinion.


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## friendly

I think it works petty well in Indian culture. Maybe?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nicbrownn80

I think it really depends on the age of the person, I think are 18 years old it gets harder not too every year so ....


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## Amplexor

(USA) No it is not important. Wife and I are both life time Catholics. Both lost our virginity in our mid teens. Multiple sexual partners before we met in our mid twenties. She many more than I. We found each other to be very experienced and talented in bed. It was a good match.


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## swedish

Deb* said:


> Some of questions are:
> Do you think a virgin woman is more likely to be a good wife and mother?


No. I think a having a solid upbringing would stack the cards in a woman's favor since we tend to mirror what our mothers were like if we felt they were a good wife/mother.


Deb* said:


> A virgin is more likely to be faithful to her husband?


No. Some virgins may get to a point in life where they feel they missed out on something by only being with one other person. In others, it may strengthen their resolve to remain committed to one for life.[/QUOTE]


Deb* said:


> Do you think that a virgin should marry a virgin in order to have a successful marriage? What if she is a virgin and her husband has had to many partners before marriage? Do you think this kind of relationship will work?


Two virgins can have a successful marriage, but others may also find they are not sexually compatible. Any way you slice it up, it really depends on the 2 people involved in the relationship. Age may come into play. I believe younger couples prefer more purity and older couples...well, let's just say slim pickins' if you will only date virgins.


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## marcy*

Swedish I agree with you.



michzz said:


> Define "too many"?
> 
> .


I didn't want to put a number, let me say men who had more than one partner before marriage. In other cultures maybe you can find men who even though they have had more than 5 partners they still want to marry a virgin, because they can't accept the idea that she has been with somebody else. I come from Eastern Europe. Now I live in USA. I know that these questions for you may seem ridiculous, even for me, but in my country even today you can find people who can't marry a woman if she is not a virgin, mostly in deep rural areas, far way from civilization, and most importantly with no education.


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## Amplexor

swedish said:


> but others may also find they are not sexually compatible.


:iagree:

That is exactly why I never put much stock in marrying a virgin. I wanted to make sure we were compatible. I hate the analogy of test driving the car but that's what it boiled down to. Never bothered me that she'd had more demos than me either.


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## WhereAmI

I think there can be sexual issues whether a virgin or not. My husband has expressed concern that I might want to explore since he's the only man I've ever been with. 

My husband has been with one other female and they were insanely young. It doesn't bother me at all. Occasionally I'll tease him about having twice as many partners than me. 

Sex is important in a relationship, but past sexual experience isn't, IMO.


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## Blanca

I think if one has had premarital sex they are more inclined to have an affair.


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## TNgirl232

I think if one hasn't they are just as inclined - especially if they get to thinking "man did I miss out....I wonder what it would be like...."


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## Mom6547

The question is missing a VERY important response. Is there value to having sex before marriage? And the answer to that is YES. So many people wind up with basic incompatibilities that could have been unearthed before marriage.


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## Chelhxi

I think sex before marriage (with each other at least) is much more important than living together before marriage. You can make adjustments and compromises about living together for the sake of a good relationship but sexual incompatibility is a real relationship killer.

Husband and I didn't live together before marriage, but definitely had sex. I couldn't marry someone who wasn't adequately compatible in that area - I just can't see it lasting. I think having sex is what keeps us from driving each other crazy, both being introverted and independent.


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## TeaLeaves4

Blanca said:


> I think if one has had premarital sex they are more inclined to have an affair.


I would tend to agree with you, and I think that applies to both sexes.

But I also think that people who _don't_ have premarital sex can end up with a certain set of problems of their own.


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## seeking sanity

I think you'll find that in cultures where there is more education and liberal values that premarital sex is accepted. In cultures that are more conservative and/or have a large population with low education levels, there is more stock on 'virginity'. I believe this is likely because education creates perspective and one is forced to challenge beliefs and think things thru, whereas more tribal cultures follow societal norms. Just a guess.

Same would go for tolerance of homosexuality, cultural and religious differences, etc.

In that way if you are comparing sexual beliefs corresponding to divorce rates against multiple cultures, you have a flawed study. One too many variables.


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## seeking sanity

Mommy22, that's why I said and / or... I'm not trying to vilify conservative values.


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## less_disgruntled

Deb* said:


> Some of questions are:
> Do you think a virgin woman is more likely to be a good wife and mother?
> A virgin is more likely to be faithful to her husband?
> Do you think that a virgin should marry a virgin in order to have a successful marriage? What if she is a virgin and her husband has had to many partners before marriage? Do you think this kind of relationship will work?
> I would really appreciate your opinion.


What's a "virgin"? I heard they all live somewhere with a bunch of unicorns and three-dollar bills.


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## Faith-Hope-Love

I agree in part with "Seeking Sanity" that you have a flawed study. You have too many variables to isolate the impact of virginity on the succes of a marriage. You also have too many variables to answer any of your other questions, also. 

The success of a marriage heavily depends on how much the core values and beliefs of each spouse align. It also depends on how well they can handle the conflicts that arise. People who seek to understand one another and try to find common ground are more likely to have a successful marriage than those who take a "you against me" approach. 

Whether a woman becomes a good mother is more likely based on the parenting skills of her mother, her own efforts to determine what makes good "mothering," and her desire to be a mother.

The question of faithfulness would probably be better researched by asking: 1. Were you a virgin when you married? 2. Did you have sex with another man after you married?


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## Runs like Dog

I don't know. Certainly marriages are no more successful now than they were 70 or 80 or 200 years ago. In the US today almost half of all children are born out of wedlock. I honestly don't know what that means other than many/most people don't see marriage in and of itself as valuable with or without a sexual component.


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## SimplyAmorous

Deb* said:


> Do you think a virgin woman is more likely to be a good wife and mother?


 I feel a woman's longing to BE a mother, if her hearts desire & delight & she has a giving nature, these things help her be a GOOD Mother, more so than whether she was able to forgo some sexual passion before her wedding night. And these things being more important than even how she was raised , as some can learn from her Mothers mistakes, and have other mentors. 

Good wife - As the majority of men consider a good wife = a wife that LOVES & enjoys sex freely, unashamedly & desiously, being a virgin guarentees none of this in marraige. In fact it is a luck of the draw if you are even sexually compatable. I have read too many stories where men terribly regret marrying a virgin because she was NOT so much into sex. It may be less than 10% of your marraige, but if it is not happening or unenthusastic in nature, it will feel like 90%. 

IF her waiting (for religious beliefs) has left her sexually repressed, if she never explored her body & finds she can not orgasm with her husband after their wedding , these things CAN greatly inhibit her mindset, desire, and cause much pain for the sexually charged husband. 



Deb* said:


> IS A virgin more likely to be faithful to her husband?


I do feel it speaks something of her character & morals initially (at least my husband felt so), also if the man waits (how rare it is). 

Me & my husband waited for intercourse. It meant alot TO ME that he was willing to wait. But to say we never touched ourselves before our wedding, we surely can't go there! We didn’t deny ourselves pleasure. That would have been impossible, given our raging hormones. We both had our lines drawn in the sand, & we stuck to them, as hard as it was at 1st. We both KNEW my hymen was fully intact on our wedding day cause I almost needed a "Hymenectomy" -it was so VERY stubborn (pregnancy stepped in the way of that surgery) - MUCH trouble for him to penetrate me!  

The Honeymoon will likely NOT be as glorious as dreamed about in our heads. 

Speaking from my own experience, and like others have mentioned - Yes, I have wondered at times what I might "have missed" in my youth, what another Lover might have been like. 
A little bit of a curosity there, since I have only been with one man. 

But I also know (or can imagine) the damaging hurt it would cause -to both of us -if I were ever to be unfaithful. Just being the 2 of us all these many years holds a very very special place in our hearts that only we understand. It is beautiful. I often think on this & I do not feel I could ever trample on these things. 
I believe it would take a severe hardship for me to "fall". But I would never say "Never". Many people who do - have found themselves on the other side, virgins & non. 



Deb* said:


> Do you think that a virgin should marry a virgin in order to have a successful marriage? What if she is a virgin and her husband has had to many partners before marriage? Do you think this kind of relationship will work?



I think it would be most healthy for anyone who finds themselves IN LOVE to open up about our sexual pasts, whatever they may be or not be, and make absolute sure each feels "accepted" for who they are, where they came from (and not judged) - putting the past behind them, looking to the here & now - I think these marriages can flourish in love , commitment & understanding AS MUCH as any other. Less to do with sexual experience as to do with the 2 hearts involved, good communication, sexual compatability & taking care of each others Love languages willingly & lovingly.


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## CLucas976

Deb* said:


> I'm doing a research paper on pre-marital sex and i'm interested to know your opinion.I posted the same thread in another forum with different culture from yours.
> I want to see the differences that exists between these two different countries, when it comes to marriage and mostly about women.
> Some of questions are:
> Do you think a virgin woman is more likely to be a good wife and mother?
> A virgin is more likely to be faithful to her husband?
> Do you think that a virgin should marry a virgin in order to have a successful marriage? What if she is a virgin and her husband has had to many partners before marriage? Do you think this kind of relationship will work?
> I would really appreciate your opinion.


1) No. I think a responsible self respecting woman with respect towards her husband and self and an IQ higher than 5 make a good wife and mother.

2) I was not a virgin when I got married, and I've no problems in staying with and only being interested in the person I'm with. This again, has to do with the individual, not their sexual experience.

3)I think virginity has little to do with a successful marriage, and personal responsibility is the main factor in such. The number of partners means nothing except experience and should not affect the relationship between the two people.


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## Blanca

TeaLeaves4 said:


> I would tend to agree with you, and I think that applies to both sexes.
> 
> But I also think that people who _don't_ have premarital sex can end up with a certain set of problems of their own.


pissshhh, naw. we're perfect


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## Mom6547

Blanca said:


> I think if one has had premarital sex they are more inclined to have an affair.


That one ought to be easy enough to demonstrate with stats, if true.


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## Blanca

TNgirl232 said:


> I think if one hasn't they are just as inclined - especially if they get to thinking "man did I miss out....I wonder what it would be like...."


I suppose that could happen but I feel its not very likely. I am in no way bound by my marriage to not have an affair. I am, and have always been, bound by myself which is a much stronger bond. The status of the relationship does not effect my commitment to myself. Even if i get divorced I wouldn't sleep around. In that respect, even while I went through the phase of a sex starved marriage, I was not really missing out on anything.


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## Blanca

Mom6547 said:


> That one ought to be easy enough to demonstrate with stats, if true.


My colleagues like to joke, 'statistics is the whor* of logic; you can get it to do whatever you want.'


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## Mom6547

Blanca said:


> I suppose that could happen but I feel its not very likely. I am in no way bound by my marriage to not have an affair.


You're NOT since it is one of very few things that can get you nailed with a divorce for CAUSE?


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## MGirl

Deb* said:


> Do you think a virgin woman is more likely to be a good wife and mother?


More likely to be a good wife? Not necessarily. Good mother? What on earth does being a virgin on your wedding day have to do with being a good mother? IMO, nothing.


Deb* said:


> A virgin is more likely to be faithful to her husband?


This is interesting to me. I was a virgin when I married my husband and I have a pretty high sex drive. It took an enormous amount of willpower and commitment to stay a virgin to that point. I'm pretty stubborn. Once I make my mind up about something, I don't back down.

Having said that, I do have a high sex drive and Swedish said something that pretty much sums me up in a nutshell:


swedish said:


> Some virgins may get to a point in life where they feel they missed out on something by only being with one other person. In others, it may strengthen their resolve to remain committed to one for life.


For me, it's both. I *do* wonder if I've missed out sometimes. I'm human. And I'm curious. On the flip side, I'm extremely committed. That's how I remained a virgin until I married. There is no way in hell I would leave my marriage to "experiment" with how it could have been. I might wonder, but I sure won't act on it.

So, for me, did being a virgin on my wedding day affect my faithfulness to my spouse? Yeah, I think it does, for me, at least. Simply because I'm determined to make things work and not back down. That same determination that kept me a virgin until I was married is the same determination that keeps me faithful in my marriage. Does my mind wander? Sometimes, yeah. Will I ever be unfaithful? No.


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## marcy*

For me, it's both. I *do* wonder if I've missed out sometimes. I'm human. And I'm curious. On the flip side, I'm extremely committed. That's how I remained a virgin until I married. There is no way in hell I would leave my marriage to "experiment" with how it could have been. I might wonder, but I sure won't act on it.
.[/QUOTE]



I have had only one sexual partner too, but I didn't wait for the first day of marriage to have intercourse with my husband. I even got pregnant when I was engaged to him. As you say is normal to wonder if we missed out something, but even if a person has had 1 or more sexual partners other then her husband/his wife that doesn't mean they will never "wonder" about other men, exes, especially if they are not satisfied with their marriage. For instance, as a I have heard, Facebook is causing problems in relationships, mostly because people connect with their ex- boyfriends, girlfriend and restart an emotional or physical relationship with them. I think that doesn't matter if you had one or more partners before marriage, important is to find the right person for you, who loves you and respects you for who you are.


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## Blanca

Mom6547 said:


> You're NOT since it is one of very few things that can get you nailed with a divorce for CAUSE?


I dont understand what you are saying here. Are you saying im not tempted to have an affair because it can get me nailed with a divorce? 



Mom6547 said:


> Then your colleagues don't know much. And your logic is poor. You cannot actually make real statistics do anything. They just are. People tote out numbers and call them statistics. This one is pretty plain. Rates of infidelity between two sets and a control group.


They're neuroscientists, virologists, geneticists and molecular biologists... Have you taken advanced statistics classes? There is a lot of subjectivity involved in "toting" out numbers.


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## Runs like Dog

Just because one has a past doesn't mean you've missed out on someone. Would YOU want to be the person you were 20 years ago?


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## marcy*

MGirl said:


> I agree with you completely. I've been reading some threads on here where people are having a hard time letting of ex's and moving on and I am so so grateful that I don't have anyone else to compare my husband to. I'll just remain blissfully ignorant of what could-have, might-have been. For that, I'm grateful


I think that we miss something out only when we are not happy with the life we have. I don't have to compare my husband with somebody else because I know that there are not two people who are the same. If you have had for example 10 partners or more that doesn't mean that you have tried all kind of men/women that exist in the world. There will be always somebody different, smarter, more handsome, or better than my husband, but that doesn't mean I will have to wonder how my life will be with them. 




Runs like Dog said:


> Just because one has a past doesn't mean you've missed out on someone. Would YOU want to be the person you were 20 years ago?


If my past was better than the present why not?


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## Mrs.G

Blanca said:


> I think if one has had premarital sex they are more inclined to have an affair.


This is a very strong statement, Blanca. I find it very interesting. Can you explain why you believe this? Just curious, since I don't understand the correlation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blanca

Mrs.G said:


> This is a very strong statement, Blanca. I find it very interesting. Can you explain why you believe this? Just curious, since I don't understand the correlation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There's probably a correlation but possibly not a causation. My reasoning is that when two people start fighting one drops the bonds of marriage and is left to the bonds one had with oneself prior to marriage. If sleeping around was a source of pleasure and fun prior to marriage, and the marriage is miserable, a person will revert to what they know to try and bring themselves some comfort. It is very unlikely a person will experiment with new ways of trying to create pleasure under the emotional and physical deprivation that accompanies fighting in marriage. They'll follow the patterns they've already established since it's easier and finding comfort can be very pressing. I am not saying they will have an affair, simply that it is more likely then someone who has not been with anyone else. 

I cannot speak for all those who have only been with their spouse, but in my case it was a choice for me not to sleep with anyone else. If one didnt have sex because the opportunity wasnt there, but they would have it they could have, then I can see it becoming a problem once the fighting begins. Although I think it is still less likely since it would be completely new. Not to mention the things inhibiting sex in the first place would still exist. there are just more hurdles in the way and when things are stressful the last thing a person will do is venture down a path that creates even more stress and hurdles.

I guess a lot of people feel insulted by my opinion, they think I think im better then them or something. Thats really not the case at all. I have my own set of issues that are just as deleterious.


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## Mrs.G

Thanks for the explanation, Blanca. 
I certainly don't feel insulted; you are entitled to your opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marcy*

Blanca said:


> I cannot speak for all those who have only been with their spouse, but in my case it was a choice for me not to sleep with anyone else. If one didnt have sex because the opportunity wasnt there, but they would have it they could have, then I can see it becoming a problem once the fighting begins.


I agree with you.
In my country most of the girls years ago were virgins not because they wanted, but because nobody wanted to marry a girl who was not virgin. These girls where more likely to cheat on their husbands then girls who willingly chose to be virgins.
I waited to have intercourse with somebody that I really loved and not just because everybody was having.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

With all the sexual problems that crop up in marriage - from high sex drive to no sex drive; from BJ - will she or won't she; to alternative methods of intercourse, etc.

Why in the world would someone not try it out before committing your life to it?

You don't buy a car without a test drive do you?

You don't buy a house without having an inspector look at it?

And those aren't life-long purchases. But marrying is supposed to be a life-time commitment - so why would you commit without trying it out?

Never made sense to me, never will.

And without having a doctor check things out, who the hell knows if she's a virgin or not?

Guys think they can tell about EVERYTHING - they can't.


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## MarriedGirl_2007

My fiancee and i have had sex since our 5month mark i think it is important to have sex before marriage cause what if your not even compatible?


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## Blanca

MarriedGirl_2007 said:


> My fiancee and i have had sex since our 5month mark i think it is important to have sex before marriage cause what if your not even compatible?


Being compatible in the beginning is not a sign that the sex will be good for very long. In the beginning everyone is interested in pleasing each other- emotionally and physically. Once the high wears off the problems emerge. My H and I had great sex in the beginning. We now have many issues.


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## Runs like Dog

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Why in the world would someone not try it out before committing your life to it?



the only car I ever used Consumer Reports for AND test drove was the biggest POS I ever owned.


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## sisters359

Blanca, I disagree with your logic. Sex itself is a source of pleasure, and unhappy people--with or without premarital sexual experience--are equally likely to seek out sexual pleasure if that is a role they see sex fulfilling. 

Did you know that about 1/3 of all Puritan brides were pregnant at the time of their marriage?

In most of history, monogamy has been the exception, not the rule. Even in a lot of Christian nations, infidelity was tolerated--because marriage was primarily an economic arrangement, and once heirs were delivered, even a woman was free to seek her own pleasure. 

In any case, I have never yet regretted my sexual past, no more than I would regret dating around. I just wish I had found a few more skillful lovers! I cannot imagine counseling anyone to wait until marriage, in fact. And as someone else, virginity and motherhood have nothing to do with each other, so the original question seems odd.


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## Blanca

sisters359 said:


> Did you know that about 1/3 of all Puritan brides were pregnant at the time of their marriage?


No, i didnt. But i dont see how that is relevant to my argument. 



sisters359 said:


> In most of history, monogamy has been the exception, not the rule. Even in a lot of Christian nations, infidelity was tolerated--because marriage was primarily an economic arrangement, and once heirs were delivered, even a woman was free to seek her own pleasure.


I never said monogamy was the rule, nor that it should be. My argument has nothing to do with whether infidelity is wrong or should be tolerated. That's an entirely different topic. 



sisters359 said:


> In any case, I have never yet regretted my sexual past, no more than I would regret dating around. I just wish I had found a few more skillful lovers! I cannot imagine counseling anyone to wait until marriage, in fact. And as someone else, virginity and motherhood have nothing to do with each other, so the original question seems odd.


I think you took my comment personally as if I was implying that a sexual past is bad or one should refrain from having one. Believe me I really dont think that way at all. As a biologist I am fascinated by the concept of evolution by sexual selection and I see sex as a key driving force in the success of a species. It is benign to me how one chooses to approach that. There are many approaches to survival and none that are successful are "bad." 



sisters359 said:


> Blanca, I disagree with your logic. Sex itself is a source of pleasure, and unhappy people--with or without premarital sexual experience--are equally likely to seek out sexual pleasure if that is a role they see sex fulfilling.


And here is where we disagree. Sex is pleasurable, and believe me I have been denied it for years, but I would never turn outside my marriage for it because I have other coping mechanisms that give me pleasure, which I developed all those years I abstained from sex. I believe those that did not abstain may not have developed other coping mechanisms and so they must turn to sex to meet those needs, which is what i basically wrote earlier.


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## MarriedGirl_2007

Blanca said:


> Being compatible in the beginning is not a sign that the sex will be good for very long. In the beginning everyone is interested in pleasing each other- emotionally and physically. Once the high wears off the problems emerge. My H and I had great sex in the beginning. We now have many issues.


And by the same token just because it happened to you doesn't mean it will happen to everyone else!


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## MarriedWifeInLove

Runs like Dog said:


> the only car I ever used Consumer Reports for AND test drove was the biggest POS I ever owned.


Lemons exist everywhere - even in marriage (as you well know) -


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## MarriedWifeInLove

Runs like Dog said:


> Just because one has a past doesn't mean you've missed out on someone. Would YOU want to be the person you were 20 years ago?


Yep!

I really rocked that yellow string bikini...:smthumbup:


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## Blanca

MarriedGirl_2007 said:


> And by the same token just because it happened to you doesn't mean it will happen to everyone else!


I didnt say it would happen to everyone else.


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## Threetimesalady

We had lots of pre-marital sex, but no intercourse...


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## Mom6547

Blanca said:


> I dont understand what you are saying here. Are you saying im not tempted to have an affair because it can get me nailed with a divorce?


You said that marriage did not keep you from having an affair. That is a mighty odd thing to say. 



> They're neuroscientists, virologists, geneticists and molecular biologists... Have you taken advanced statistics classes? There is a lot of subjectivity involved in "toting" out numbers.


And they STILL don't know what statistics are? Scary. When they are subjective, they generally don't qualify as statistics.


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## Runs like Dog

Threetimesalady said:


> We had lots of pre-marital sex, but no intercourse...


Catholic "Virgin"?


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## Threetimesalady

Runs like Dog said:


> Catholic "Virgin"?


Yes, 12 years of parochial school...Now I wonder if I hadn't been schooled by Nuns, with the "death rather than sin" St. Maria Goretti syndrome, what would have happened?...Believe me, it could have been interesting...:smthumbup:....TTAL...


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## Runs like Dog

I put it in quotes because the parochial girls I knew would do n-e-thing besides vaginal. Whatever they were teaching you girls, my lord, you were listening.


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## Blanca

Mom6547 said:


> You said that marriage did not keep you from having an affair. That is a mighty odd thing to say.


Why is it odd?


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## Rough Patch Sewing

I think that sex is something that is very affected by social and religious norms. However, that is the external forces acting on each of our decisions. I think that each person innately places a personal value and sanctity evaluation on sex. For some it is simply what we do. True we are sexual beings. However, some people can place special significance to it on a very personal basis.

Some people hold sex in such a high regard that they actually want to save it for the person that they will love the rest of their life.

I think it depends on who you ask on a personal level.


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## unbelievable

I would much prefer to find out my partner was a non-sexual prude before marriage than after. Matter-of-fact, if anyone is dating or living with someone who keeps making excuses to not have sex, dump them NOW. You are seeing them at their Sunday best behavior and it'll just get worse once a ring is in place.


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## steak

Women who want to wait until marriage to have sex, more than likely hates sex and is really conservative about it or has a very low sex drive.


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## Mrs.G

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> With all the sexual problems that crop up in marriage - from high sex drive to no sex drive; from BJ - will she or won't she; to alternative methods of intercourse, etc.
> 
> Why in the world would someone not try it out before committing your life to it?
> 
> You don't buy a car without a test drive do you?
> 
> You don't buy a house without having an inspector look at it?
> 
> And those aren't life-long purchases. But marrying is supposed to be a life-time commitment - so why would you commit without trying it out?
> 
> Never made sense to me, never will.
> 
> And without having a doctor check things out, who the hell knows if she's a virgin or not?
> 
> Guys think they can tell about EVERYTHING - they can't.


:iagree:


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## topbanana

The title question is pre-marital sex or no? Which is kind of different to the actual question. Virginity isn't by any means the thing that binds people together in marriage, as others have rightly stated.

I'd say not having pre-marital sex is important, simply because pre-marital sex increases the likelihood that you've had sex with other people, and this creates baggage that life's just better without.


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## RandomDude

> Do you think a virgin woman is more likely to be a good wife and mother?


Personally believe virginity has little, if anything, to do with it.



> A virgin is more likely to be faithful to her husband?


Personally decided to marry a woman who is well... rather far from being a virgin, yet she's exceptionally loyal and has been trustworthy from day one. So I'm biased in this opinion.



> Do you think that a virgin should marry a virgin in order to have a successful marriage?


Not necessarily, however I know from the missus' church that some people do find waiting until marriage 'worth it' in the end. And of course there's the common reply:
Non-Virgin: "No sex before marriage? How do you know if she's good in bed?"
Virgin: "Well, I obviously won't have anyone to compare her to will I?"

Heh




> What if she is a virgin and her husband has had to many partners before marriage? Do you think this kind of relationship will work?


There will be issues to iron out, no different from any other marriage. I don't believe virginity alone should be considered such an important factor in marriage when there are always tons more.


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## Locard

If sex is the foundation of relationship and you must "try" them out, what happens after kids when sex is less frequent?? Just read this board. There is a reason that history has placed value on chastity and all the reasoning and justifying in the world can't change that. 

If you are doing a study or research, have you viewed the Teachman research? 

The Social Pathologist: Sexual Partner Divorce Risk 

I would suggest young men and women ignore this at thier peril.


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## skitterend

There is research that shows that each time one has sex with a different partner the process of bonding with the next individual becomes more drawn out/difficult. 
Having sex with an individual before or after marriage is not important. What is important is that you only have sex with someone you intend to marry.
I'd love to see the stats if there are any out there.
I do think that virgins are more likely to come from conservative homes that frown on divorce and value marital vows more than otherwise. This will lead to increased pressure on relationships to be worked through. The virginity wouldn't be the cause of the better success rate.
The same would be much more interesting to test against motherhood efficacy. We may just be surprised by the outcome for exactly the same reason I.e cultural bias results in better good mother like attributes(as defined in the western culture)


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## Locard

Chicken or egg argument. How many girls who were V's thought they were having sex w/ thier future husband? I do agree that the study I refrenced was total partners. There is a study that is similar that shows 1 partner vs a V on the wedding day and they are pretty darn close.


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## couple

Just some comments to share. Trying to offer both opinions on the topic and offer constructive suggestions for the academic part.

First, you should tighten up your methods of gathering info and framing the problem you are trying to solve. For example, the poll asks if virginity is a guarantee and the response choice talks about 'importance' of virginity. Also, I'd be interested in how you are classifying 'cultures'. You come from eastern europe but live in the US. You are affected by your upbringing and the culture within which you now live. Indians and Chinese in the US or Europe, for example, also are not a product of a single, defined culture. You are also bringing education and other things into it. To determine the correlation of marital success with other factors, you need to do a study a proper study or take another approach to your research (e.g. explore a few case studies via interviews, etc). You need to be clear in your definition of 'marital success' (and that should not be divorce - many culture where virginity is treasured also strongly discourage divorce). There are a million things that cause marriages to fail so you need to somehow deal with the other variables in your research methods and not assume virginity is the only causal factor of failure or success.

Anyway, I would think (but i'm hardly an expert) compatibility of attitudes and morals (which don't necessarily reflect past behavior) are more indicative of marital success.

I'm certainly not a proponent of abstinence before marriage but I disagree with those who equate having sex with determining sexual compatibility. Couple 'A' can have a very open sexual relationship and do a lot of sexual things without having intercourse. They can discuss sex openly as well as experiment together. Couple B has had intercourse but are very closed about it and have not explored their sexuality nearly as much as couple A. Equating having intercourse with knowing someone sexually is wrong and simply having intercourse with someone before marriage is not a good way to determine your sexual compatibility.


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## nader

My wife and I got married sooner than planned due to an unplanned pregnancy. Neither of us were virgins when we met, and we started having sex within the first 2 months of the relationship. We are happy now and for the most part compatible, aside from a couple hangups that I expect to be worked out in due time, however I will always wonder in the back of my mind how things might have been different if we had waited. I was really eager to jump into bed with her from the get-go, being a horny bastard in my late 20s! Not a virgin, but with very limited experience. Would I have lost interest? Would she? Would we still be together now?

The idea of waiting until you are married until you have sex is appealing; however the thought of being sexually frustrated due to unforseen problems is not so much! It seems like a huge grey area to me, even though I was raised to believe sex is for marriage only.

As part of our pre-marital counseling with the pastor we agreed to abstain from sex for about 3-4 months before the wedding after having moved in sooner than I would have liked to due to the pregnancy, this was excruciating for me!.we 'cheated' maybe once or twice, but it did make the honeymoon much more exciting for both of us!


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## MarriedWifeInLove

Locard said:


> If sex is the foundation of relationship and you must "try" them out, what happens after kids when sex is less frequent?? Just read this board. There is a reason that history has placed value on chastity and all the reasoning and justifying in the world can't change that.
> 
> If you are doing a study or research, have you viewed the Teachman research?
> 
> The Social Pathologist: Sexual Partner Divorce Risk
> 
> I would suggest young men and women ignore this at thier peril.


Lived together before marriage, had sex before marriage.

Been married 26+ years.

One size doesn't fit all.


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## unbelievable

I would much prefer to find out a woman had low libido BEFORE marrying her. It's much easier to send a girlfriend down the road than to buy an ex-wife a house and put a lawyer's kids through college.


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## Mrs.G

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Lived together before marriage, had sex before marriage.
> 
> Been married 26+ years.
> 
> One size doesn't fit all.


:iagree: I know MANY long married (20-50 years) couples who shacked up and had sex before marriage.


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## Locard

Well yes, the stats don't list 0% for non V's. We are talk % here.


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## BigToe

A big yes. Sexual incompatibility is a sure path to divorce.


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## Locard

I would love to break down the stats for what people think who actually married virgins, it only seems to be people who DIDN'T or WERE NOT virgins busting on being marrying virigins. I also don't think there is much diffence between being a V on the wedding night vs 1 partner. 

I think people who were not V's or didn't marry V's see this as an attack on their "value" as a spouse. I think that they can be every bit as good a spouse!

I would concede that a 30 year old V would be very unusual. I don't buy the sexual incomaptibilty one bit AS IS COMPARES TO SEXUAL HISTORY. This board is filled with people who are sexually frustrated with the lack of sex in the relationship. Things are always grand at first.


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## OhGeesh

I don't care about all of the chastity or moral content......that's a topic for a different day....and I've been on both sides of that street.

Looking back at my sexual partners there was one girl and that is the reason we broke up!! I was bigger 6'2" 230 she was small 5'0 adn 105lbs and for me she was just too small for my liking....sweet girl, but not in the cards.

To ramble on more there was another girlfriend who was just really really noisy borderline "adult film" and I hated it.....very rough in a sloppy convulsive way....didn't like sex with her either.

For that reason alone I think it's important in a safe, protected, enviroment. If your beliefs don't allow it well then don't.


Sex with my wife has always been good she a catch and everything I want.


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## borninapril

I'm male and remained a virgin until I meet my wife. I knew the second she came into my life that I was going to marry her, so even though I had waited until I was 28 (no previous intercourse, but I had given and received oral) I didn't even think about not having sex with her when the it came up. Yet with other women I never made that "leap". It was the right time with the right person. I will admit to having just stopped telling people or mentioning my virginity after a while. People treated me like a freak and that's not how it was. Catholic upbringing with two parents who showed me what not to do had a lot to do with it. As a matter of fact I didn't tell my wife I had been a virgin at the time until almost a year later.

Society just seems to look at Male and female virgins differently. Female who keep their virginity until marriage are often applauded and males are looked at as some kind of weird freak.


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## CalmMarian

I didn't read the poll correctly, I would have done "no" there are other factors if I had seen it. I put maybe.

Successful marriage takes DESIRE to keep it together.

I'd like to see you do the poll the opposite way "does pre-marital sex mean your marriage will fail". I've seen MANY more of those!!!


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## SimplyAmorous

borninapril said:


> I'm male and remained a virgin until I meet my wife. I knew the second she came into my life that I was going to marry her, so even though I had waited until I was 28 (no previous intercourse, but I had given and received oral) I didn't even think about not having sex with her when the it came up. Yet with other women I never made that "leap". It was the right time with the right person. I will admit to having just stopped telling people or mentioning my virginity after a while. People treated me like a freak and that's not how it was. Catholic upbringing with two parents who showed me what not to do had a lot to do with it. As a matter of fact I didn't tell my wife I had been a virgin at the time until almost a year later.
> 
> Society just seems to look at Male and female virgins differently. Female who keep their virginity until marriage are often applauded and males are looked at as some kind of weird freak.


I don't feel this way about virgins at all- my husband waited for me till he was 25 yrs old, I was 22. We did touch ourselves to orgasm but never had intercoarse or oral sex. I was so tight when we married he could not get it in. Took months! 

I have 2 christians sons who want to remain pure till their wedding day. So far so good. One is 20, the other 14. 

All I worry about with them is marrying a girl who never masterbated and after the wedding finding out she does not like sex. This happens more than one may think. I have read enough stories about it. My oldest seems to think just cause a couple waits -God will automatically BLESS them with HOT desire & they will ride into sexual bliss. I think he needs more assurance than a belief on this one! 

So for all of the waiting virgins out there, make sure your fiance has a feirce drive, the harder to handle , the better sign it is, be careful not to repress it too much or it could go the other way (plenty of those stories as well). 

A good sign is a masterbating virgin! If she has NO desire for this, and it is EASY to refrain, she doesn't think about it, I say RUN RUN RUN -if you are a man who is high drive ! You are taking an awful gamble with your futrue happiness in the marital bedroom.

Me & my husband were lucky. We both masterbated & we was compelled to touch each other-it would have been almost impossible for us not too, so he KNEW I had "drive" even though I still felt guilty about it & a range of shameful things swirled in my head, I have always loved sex.


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## juxtapost

I would like to submit that modern "civilization", with all its education, is not as enlightened as it thinks itself, and many societal analysts, like Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, see us at the edge of a precipice, with unprecedented numbers of people, young and old, suffering depression, committing suicide, and perpetrating more violent crimes (i.e.-Columbine, VA Tech), all from feelings of emptiness and failure. 
I would also like to submit that those who do not value chastity (notice I said chastity, the respect for your future spouse, not the presence of a hymen, since those can be easily lost in other non-sexual ways) before marriage do not understand it's deeper purpose, and will in fact never know the depth of union that is possible between a married man and woman, and the resulting joy, fulfillment, and security, which will be passed to their children. But many of us, unfortunately, don't think that far ahead.
And there are consequences to non-chastity, mostly affecting the psyche of both individuals, and in turn, of their children, who end up involved in more self-destructive behavior than their parents. Just look at teen statistics today vs. 20,30,50 years ago.
In conclusion, if chastity has not been maintained, especially by the mother, (who is the ultimate nurturing presence for her children, and who usually invests a lot more emotional energy into a sexual relationship), there must be "repentance" (i.e.- acknowledging past promiscuous behaviors as wrong, and having a renewed and intense commitment to her family, shunning the past- and it will be like running a marathon pulling a tire behind you- but the prize is raising well-minded, healthy children to grow into the kind of leaders our "civilized" society so desperately needs. There are always outliers/exceptions, but as a general rule, chastity is of great value to the family environment, which are the "cells" of any nation.

"All of life and human relations have become so incomprehensibly complex that, when you think about it, it becomes terrifying and your heart stands still." -Anton Checkhov

P.S. - the poll on this page asking if virginity is important is extremely flawed and biased because 1)it does not reveal the sex of the person voting, 2)whether or not they are virgins 3)choices are biased towards "no" (it should be: YES, NO, MAYBE, not YES, NO *suggestive clause*, and MAYBE)

perhaps a re-poll?


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## Goodboy

It depends on the age of the person and the amount of training giving to him or her by the parent.
Secondly fear of God in that person's life. Virginity can only make him or her to believe that his or her spouse is the best for sex since that is the very first person. What about the other characters that makes a woman?


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## PealedBannana

Sex with complete straingers is one thing, but sex in a serious commited relationship I say is a must. You really need physical and emotional stimulation to grow as a couple.


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## dojo

VERY IMPORTANT to have sex before. I had 2 relationships before him and they both didn't go that well in the sack. I would have been a miserable wife. We get along great in this area too, so I'm sure at least some of the issues that might arise as a married couple are solved


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## Blanca

Goodboy said:


> Virginity can only make him or her to believe that his or her spouse is the best for sex since that is the very first person.


I was a virgin and le'me tell ya, It does not take multiple partners to figure out my sex life sucks. If I had lived my entire life in a cave then maybe I would be oblivious...maybe.


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## unbelievable

Had I known how difficult it could be to get postmarital sex, I'd still be a devotee of the premarital variety.


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## Threetimesalady

Blanca said:


> I was a virgin and le'me tell ya, It does not take multiple partners to figure out my sex life sucks. If I had lived my entire life in a cave then maybe I would be oblivious...maybe.


I agree with you 100%....I, too, was a virgin before marriage...We did everything before marriage with the exception of my going down on him and on our honeymoon night I wondered what in the heck all the excitement was of sex...He thought it was wonderful and I just laid back all night and wondered and wished we were back in the parked car...For me it took a long time finding this part of myself that was able to accept and give...I think it wasn't until I was into my 40's that I really jelled...Before that after a few drinks I would be good, but I believe that it is finding the woman within the woman who we are and letting her loose that can harness our minds...

Sex is big...Many women nowadays only tolerate it...This is the sad part of life...They say that 88% of the women do not orgasm during sex...That is big...This is just my two cents...Take care....C


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## Threetimesalady

I was just thinking back of what my husband has said to me...He said I was inhibited early in our marriage...Have to admit that I was...Even though he had me naked in a parked car and I had this affair with my boss who was 30 years older than I was while my husband was in the service (Never intercourse...just let him discover who I was as a woman...This I could consider the dumbest yet wisest thing I ever did in my life...I say this because I now realize the hot potential of the woman that lives within my body and stupid because I didn't know that he would tell other men about this and they would come to town to take me out...Fortunately, I figured this out quick...)....I am still not sure if this was sexual harassment or a case of a horny 19 year old girl, whose lover was in service and an older man said the right words and gave her a couple of drinks...In all honesty I have to admit that I did my bit and shutter to think of someone walking in and catching us...So stupid, but so young...

My inhibited problem came from a Mother that hated sex...Detested the male penis, thus this worked on my mind...It was a big thing with my getting over this...Bigger than anyone can imagine...Now I think I am a raving sex addict that could eat him alive...So goes life...

I am going to add a post under my marriage Topic about the Inhibited Woman...I think it is a sickness that many of us are born with...

I like this forum...Try to read more topics, but it is a great forum.....Take care...


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## rogerd

God said no, don't do it.


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## Rough Patch Sewing

juxtapost said:


> I would like to submit that modern "civilization", with all its education, is not as enlightened as it thinks itself, and many societal analysts, like Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, see us at the edge of a precipice, with unprecedented numbers of people, young and old, suffering depression, committing suicide, and perpetrating more violent crimes (i.e.-Columbine, VA Tech), all from feelings of emptiness and failure.
> I would also like to submit that those who do not value chastity (notice I said chastity, the respect for your future spouse, not the presence of a hymen, since those can be easily lost in other non-sexual ways) before marriage do not understand it's deeper purpose, and will in fact never know the depth of union that is possible between a married man and woman, and the resulting joy, fulfillment, and security, which will be passed to their children. But many of us, unfortunately, don't think that far ahead.
> And there are consequences to non-chastity, mostly affecting the psyche of both individuals, and in turn, of their children, who end up involved in more self-destructive behavior than their parents. Just look at teen statistics today vs. 20,30,50 years ago.
> In conclusion, if chastity has not been maintained, especially by the mother, (who is the ultimate nurturing presence for her children, and who usually invests a lot more emotional energy into a sexual relationship), there must be "repentance" (i.e.- acknowledging past promiscuous behaviors as wrong, and having a renewed and intense commitment to her family, shunning the past- and it will be like running a marathon pulling a tire behind you- but the prize is raising well-minded, healthy children to grow into the kind of leaders our "civilized" society so desperately needs. There are always outliers/exceptions, but as a general rule, chastity is of great value to the family environment, which are the "cells" of any nation.
> 
> "All of life and human relations have become so incomprehensibly complex that, when you think about it, it becomes terrifying and your heart stands still." -Anton Checkhov
> 
> P.S. - the poll on this page asking if virginity is important is extremely flawed and biased because 1)it does not reveal the sex of the person voting, 2)whether or not they are virgins 3)choices are biased towards "no" (it should be: YES, NO, MAYBE, not YES, NO *suggestive clause*, and MAYBE)
> 
> perhaps a re-poll?


I would have to agree with juxtapost on the whole. Sex has the potential for a great connection or disconnection with ones' self and the sex partner. The value of it has got to be with one's perception of sex. I have heard people say, "Oh, it was just sex with him/her, nothing meaningful!" I have also heard people talk about how wondrous and amazing it was to be with someone. I think that the potential rests in the values passed down by one's parents. Many of my generation bought into the free-love notion of sex. Has sex gone up in value or down in value since then. For most of my generation "Oh, it was just sex with him/her, fun yes, but meaningful?"


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## Rough Patch Sewing

Perhaps pre-marital sex may open up a boldness and self confidence in ones' self. However, I think it can open a person up to being terribly hurt by someone who may not really care about you, the sex partner.

Perhaps, being hurt emotionally by many sex partners can be one reason for some of the many "dry" marriages these days.


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## unbelievable

One in five husbands find themselves in essentially sexless marriages. The same God that said "Thou Shall Not Commit Adultary" also told spouses to not deny sex to their partners. Waiting for marriage would be best if there were some reasonable expectation that one's sexual needs would be attended to after marriage. There obviously isn't.


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## mayatatia

It all depends.... it's really up to your and spouse's self esteem, the relationship in the marriage, and keeping the intimacy exciting. Plus midlife crisis!


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## Locard

So liberal = educated, and convservative = uneducated. Please......


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## Rafaelinan

I don't think it still matters. I mean, gone were the days that people see sex as a big deal. Don't get me wrong that sex for me is nothing. Sex means a lot to me and my wife but it never bothered me that I wasn't her first. I just don't think it should have something to do with marrying someone.. If you love her and she loves you back, go get married! It's not everyday that we find someone who will love us in return.


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## Danielson67

It's not a cultural thing, it's a moral thing and a logical thing to remain a virgin till married. It's the most special of gifts you can offer your spouse. Sex is not just an act, it's a covenant that is made between two people (not 3,4,5,6 or 120...) that says, "I am yours and no one elses" And it is understanding the power of this covenant that will motivate young people to save themselves for that special someone.


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## tacoma

I didn`t vote because I think there should be a 4th option.

4: Virginity is an undesirable trait in a wife/husband


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## IanIronwood

marcy* said:


> Do you think a virgin woman is more likely to be a good wife and mother?


No, not at all. Probably less likely.



marcy* said:


> A virgin is more likely to be faithful to her husband?


No, and she's far more likely to use sex as a control mechanism in that relationship.



marcy* said:


> Do you think that a virgin should marry a virgin in order to have a successful marriage?


HELL, no.



marcy* said:


> What if she is a virgin and her husband has had to many partners before marriage? Do you think this kind of relationship will work?


What constitutes "too many"? I don't think it's an issue at all, not nearly as much as the wife's complete lack of sexual experience. THAT's what's going to kill the relationship.


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## IanIronwood

Danielson67 said:


> It's not a cultural thing, it's a moral thing and a logical thing to remain a virgin till married. It's the most special of gifts you can offer your spouse. Sex is not just an act, it's a covenant that is made between two people (not 3,4,5,6 or 120...) that says, "I am yours and no one elses" And it is understanding the power of this covenant that will motivate young people to save themselves for that special someone.


It's not a cultural thing, it's a moral thing and a logical thing to lose your virginity well before marriage. Being an educated and responsible lover, with a deep understanding in how your body and the body of your spouse works and reacts, is the most special gift you can offer your spouse. Sex is not just an act, its a sophisticated set of skills and abilities that cannot be guessed at, intuited, or faked without dramatic and often unpleasant consequences for the parties involved, a matter of respect and love in the covenant that you eventually make with your spouse. It says "I give a damn enough about you as a person and a lover not to give you lousy, sloppy, clumsy sex when you deserve more". And it is the understand of the power of that gift that will motivate young people to educate themselves thoroughly in this vital and essential aspect of marriage before they even approach the subject with their significant other.


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## that_girl

Danielson67 said:


> It's not a cultural thing, it's a moral thing and a logical thing to remain a virgin till married. It's the most special of gifts you can offer your spouse. Sex is not just an act, it's a covenant that is made between two people (not 3,4,5,6 or 120...) that says, "I am yours and no one elses" And it is understanding the power of this covenant that will motivate young people to save themselves for that special someone.


No way.

Of the people I know who 'saved' themselves completely (no touching, etc...cause let's face it, most people who save themselves have done everything but intercourse...) have had horrible sexual lives AND sex is 'weird' in their relationship.

My one friend that I've known since birth told me she wishes now that she would have had sex with her husband before marriage. They don't enjoy it and they like TOTALLY different things.


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## unbelievable

Might as well get some premarital because the postmarital variety can be quite scarce.


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## FirstYearDown

IanIronwood said:


> It's not a cultural thing, it's a moral thing and a logical thing to lose your virginity well before marriage. Being an educated and responsible lover, with a deep understanding in how your body and the body of your spouse works and reacts, is the most special gift you can offer your spouse. Sex is not just an act, its a sophisticated set of skills and abilities that cannot be guessed at, intuited, or faked without dramatic and often unpleasant consequences for the parties involved, a matter of respect and love in the covenant that you eventually make with your spouse. It says "I give a damn enough about you as a person and a lover not to give you lousy, sloppy, clumsy sex when you deserve more". And it is the understand of the power of that gift that will motivate young people to educate themselves thoroughly in this vital and essential aspect of marriage before they even approach the subject with their significant other.


:iagree::iagree::rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## FirstYearDown

unbelievable said:


> I would much prefer to find out my partner was a non-sexual prude before marriage than after. Matter-of-fact, if anyone is dating or living with someone who keeps making excuses to not have sex, dump them NOW. You are seeing them at their Sunday best behavior and it'll just get worse once a ring is in place.


What if it is a new person you are dating? Are you saying that unless someone is willing to have sex right away, they should be dumped?

Before I met my husband, I dated men that expected sex within 3 dates. Since I was usually uncomfortable with this, I lost a lot of guys. If I was looking for a relationship, I made sure not to give it up too quickly, even if I wanted to jump my date's bones.


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## FirstYearDown

Danielson67 said:


> It's not a cultural thing, it's a moral thing and a logical thing to remain a virgin till married. It's the most special of gifts you can offer your spouse. Sex is not just an act, it's a covenant that is made between two people (not 3,4,5,6 or 120...) that says, "I am yours and no one elses" And it is understanding the power of this covenant that will motivate young people to save themselves for that special someone.


Sex is too important not to learn about before marriage.


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## heartsbeating

marcy* said:


> Do you think a virgin woman is more likely to be a good wife and mother?


No. Also "good" wife and mother is subjective and I don't see what it has to do with virginity. Everyone ends up with lessons (and hopefully) wisdom they can share. 



marcy* said:


> A virgin is more likely to be faithful to her husband?


No. Again, I don't think this is related to being a virgin at all. This is about character.



marcy* said:


> Do you think that a virgin should marry a virgin in order to have a successful marriage? What if she is a virgin and her husband has had to many partners before marriage? Do you think this kind of relationship will work?


If there's a certain maturity and open-mindedness, I don't think any of this is relevant. However if there are views that relate to religion or some form of discipline, and then depending how important that is to the individual, then that can impact the relationship. Having similar philosophies and belief systems can help too - not always necessary but it makes things easier. 


I never imagined myself getting married and I'm not religious. Being young, I didn't want to be used for sex (that's how I viewed it then) and decided it was important for me to feel trust and respect from my lover before sharing myself physically. And he actually did end up being my husband. It was because we were inseparable and stimulated each other on a variety of levels. So it ended up being that way and we've never looked back. My outlook on sex has changed somewhat since then. I wouldn't do anything differently though. Each to their own.


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## sadgurl

i dont think there is anything wrong with premarital sex. sex is a really big part of a marriage & if one of the partners in the relationship isnt satisfied with it, it can cause them to stray!But that is another reason communication is so important!being a virgin or not definitely has no way of assuring you a good marriage! the most important things needed for that are communication & trust! because without that you dont have anything!


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## Runs like Dog

unbelievable said:


> Might as well get some premarital because the postmarital variety can be quite scarce.


Zing!


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## Soccerfan73

Meh

I'm more interested in what she is today. If she had sex with another man before knowing me, I'll get over it.


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## whatorangeya

We found each other to be very experienced and talented in bed. It was a good match.


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## Emly

I don't think so.. There are many other things that really matters in a successful life.Both the them should be helping,caring and Loving.Virginity also Matters but if a person is so caring and compromising and loving then there could be a possibility of Successful marriage!


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## anotherguy

what stuns me... are people that are willing to get married if they have never had sex before. Well.. I assume this happens.. I dont personally know anyone like that.

"Wow. Looks like we are largely incompatible in bed, with vastly different ideas on the matter - certainly different responses to what we believe about the act. What do we do now that we are married?"

"oopsie."

and virginity is not a virtue. Sorry folks.


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## Love Song

Virginity does not determine someone's character. It's how you use or dont use your sex life that really matters and determines your character. My husband and I lost our virginity to each other before we got married. I didn't mind that he was a virgin but I would have minded if he had had many sex partners. Just my .02


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## effess

My one contribution is this. For those people who argue that you have to know whether you are "sexually-compatible" first before you marry - just look at how many people on this forum alone complain about how sexual their spouse was before they married (or early in the marriage), or talk about how great the sex was 'before' but now their sex life is in the dumps. 

My point being you cannot take your sex life early in the dating relationship/marriage as a barometer how it will be 5/10/25 years later. There's so many factors that play into a healthy sex life that you CANNOT take quality/quantity of sex when you were dating as how things will be until "death do us part". 

My personal opinion is this - if there is a strong compatibility outside of the bedroom and you have two people who truly love and respect each other and put the other's needs above their own; than that will carry over into the bedroom as well and you will have a healthy exciting sex life. But early in the relationship, when infatuation and excitement are still fresh, and the hormones are raging - of course the sex will be great. Which means nothing 10 years later if they couple quit putting all the work into each other like they did when they were dating and screwing like rabbits.


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## SimplyAmorous

effess said:


> My personal opinion is this - if there is a strong compatibility outside of the bedroom and you have two people who truly love and respect each other and put the other's needs above their own; than that will carry over into the bedroom as well and you will have a healthy exciting sex life. But early in the relationship, when infatuation and excitement are still fresh, and the hormones are raging - of course the sex will be great. Which means nothing 10 years later if they couple quit putting all the work into each other like they did when they were dating and screwing like rabbits.


This basically sums up my #1 point in my thread about the utter importance of compatibility...before you marry... I feel too many are blinded by the rush of hormones & sometimes loose all common sense, so very much gets overlooked. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ility-b4-vows-beyond-marital-harmony-joy.html




> *anotherguy said: *what stuns me... are people that are willing to get married if they have never had sex before. Well.. I assume this happens.. I dont personally know anyone like that.
> 
> "Wow. Looks like we are largely incompatible in bed, with vastly different ideas on the matter - certainly different responses to what we believe about the act. What do we do now that we are married?"
> 
> "oopsie."
> 
> and virginity is not a virtue. Sorry folks.


 It is not a virtue to you...but I am not one to spit on it - if others feel this way. Which I personally know many who believe like this. Do I feel they are taking some RISK.... sure I do!! I even think if they want to wait -they should at the very least be feeling each other out , making sure she can orgasm, have some experimentation of touching...be dirty virgins ! Gotta have some FUN while you are waiting. But hold the intercourse.... it can be done. 

What I don't like about it --is the religious damnation ...if you desire to go all the way. I am against that part. Wait because you feel it is a sacred act...because you are a hopeless romantic & this means someting to you.... not because you feel you will go to hell for it (as christianity seems to teach, that is craziness)...or in the old Testament, you would be stoned. 

I don't personally feel it makes a better society where sex is used casually- every BF, every GF...even if we only dated 2 months. I feel it is one thing that is destroying our society...and not helping marraige with so many lovers in our past -memories of sex, who was bigger, who was better....... Is there any sacredness left to it -by the time you marry...or is the act reduced to nothingness. Hey, it feels good, lets jump in the sack, we like each other "enough" , where's the rubber !

Sex is the most vulnerable act a man & a woman can engage in....how many do it ...without FEELING, without emotion....what does this do to one's psyche over the long haul? Is all unscathed? 

When I was a teen....if I gave myself to a guy & he threw me away...on to the next chick... I would want to cut his balls off (yeah I am joking)... but seriously, I would have been utterly devestated....the act meant too much to me, it represented "forever" for me. So it was good that I waited. I felt strongly about it and wasn't going to settle for less from a man. Maybe one could argue I am too sensitive... I wouldn't deny this. But yet...that is a part of who I am..and was, so I did right for me. 

My husband respected me for feeling that way... he knew when I broke up with him a short time, one thing I wouldn't do was sleep with anyone... If we ended up together, he would be my 1st. It is something we both treasure. 

We see it as "worthy".. Though we were dirty virgins, not pure as the driven snow, we touched each other so we wouldn't go insane.


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## flnative

Premarital sex means nothing moving forward into marriage. We met in HS, married after she finished college. Started having sex at 16. We had a bad sex life for 15 years of our marriage and really going back to HS. 

However, at 19 years we are having the best and lots of sex. Based on our history I never would have believed it. Fortunately we stuck through the lean years to get here. Never been happier. 

I say no to premarital sex. It really doesn't tell you anything about the future. If you are meant to be together the sex will work out. It should be discussed, like many other topics before marriage. That's our story anyway....


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## In_The_Wind

marcy* said:


> I'm doing a research paper on pre-marital sex and i'm interested to know your opinion.I posted the same thread in another forum with different culture from yours.
> I want to see the differences that exists between these two different countries, when it comes to marriage and mostly about women.
> Some of questions are:
> Do you think a virgin woman is more likely to be a good wife and mother?
> A virgin is more likely to be faithful to her husband?
> Do you think that a virgin should marry a virgin in order to have a successful marriage? What if she is a virgin and her husband has had to many partners before marriage? Do you think this kind of relationship will work?
> I would really appreciate your opinion.


Ques 1 Not necessarily 
2 No 
3. No
4. who knows 

Although virginity is the christian stance for young folks nowadays i would have to wonder how many are actually virgins - honestly 
what is the importance besides bibically speaking of marrying a virgin ??
Most i feel after awhile would probably want or desire to see what it is like to be with others in my opinion 

Me nor my wife were virgins when we married yet we have been married almost 13 yrs now and have a great marriage I think compatibility is more important than virginity JMO


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## flnative

No prior history for me or my wife. No desire to see what it's like with anyone else. Fortunately got it right the first time....


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## koolasma

yes its important yr


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## Nomads

marcy* said:


> I'm doing a research paper on pre-marital sex and i'm interested to know your opinion.I posted the same thread in another forum with different culture from yours.
> I want to see the differences that exists between these two different countries, when it comes to marriage and mostly about women.
> Some of questions are:
> Do you think a virgin woman is more likely to be a good wife and mother?
> A virgin is more likely to be faithful to her husband?
> Do you think that a virgin should marry a virgin in order to have a successful marriage? What if she is a virgin and her husband has had to many partners before marriage? Do you think this kind of relationship will work?
> I would really appreciate your opinion.


I notice you want to compare 2 different countries (or should I say culture?). Looking at my own experiences then you must see further more, especially 'background'. I was born and grew up in Jakarta, INA from Javanese descent though my family quite 'mix', many are having mix marriage, even from my ancestor (Dutch, Chinese, Malay etc.).

My parent send me to good school so I interact with different culture/countries/westerners since I was elementary school (Japanese/European/American/OZ etc). When I was teen, entering university I already speaking 5 or 6 languages (including my own tribes, my dad sent me to Javanese classical ballet school. He wants me fully aware where I'm coming from in term of language/culture/dance/music/song). In the same time, I watch MTV before went school and read western magazine/book/manga (Japanese comics).

Nowadays I'm Nomads, Asia Pacific - Europe - USA so if you asking me those Q the answers will be NO (to 1 - 3) and YES/NO 50-50 to 4, even though I'm Asian I might be more westerner than my hubby as my environment etc. I don't think you can generalize people from same country will have same point of view. I think 'background' (educational, ages/gender, environment, family etc.) will speak louder, right?

What I'm trying to say is no matter where you are coming from if you are interact with outsider, certain 'value' is no longer exist or at least not as intense as used to (globalization). 
The only thing that I always remember and do it religiously from my parent is no matter where I go I shall honor my family name (never tarnish and put ashamed). I'll passing down my parent value to my children and their children children for sure.

Geeeeeee, these are remind me of 30 years ago back in school :rofl:


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## SpinDaddy

marcy* said:


> Do you think a virgin woman is more likely to be a good wife and mother?


Absolutely 100% not!



marcy* said:


> A virgin is more likely to be faithful to her husband?.


See, supra question one.



marcy* said:


> Do you think that a virgin should marry a virgin in order to have a successful marriage?


If it’s important to the virgin, then yes.



marcy* said:


> What if she is a virgin and her husband has had to many partners before marriage? Do you think this kind of relationship will work?


“Too many partners”? Not sure what you mean by this but if you mean he has had so many that he’s contracted some type of a sexually transmitted disease then yes there might be a problem. 

Otherwise, I (husband) have had a number of partners. Each of them were special. To my Wife I made a covenant before our God to “love, honor and respect.” In my book, that trumps anything that came (no pun intended) before and anything I may longingly think about thereafter.



marcy* said:


> I would really appreciate your opinion.


Speaking here on behalf of the great state of Texas in the United States of America.

It’d be interesting to see how this survey pans out not just across cultures but also socio-economic strata. My wife and I did not marry until our 30’s, we are both white collar, multi-degree professionals. If she had not had at least a small handful of lovers by that point, well frankly, I’d have been concerned. 

To me what is more important would be her character and apparent viability to be the mother of my children and lifetime partner.


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## MattMatt

I like pre-marital sex. I also like post-marital sex, too.


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## Woodchuck

Sex is too important to my life to marry without having had sex with my future partner. Virginity is no indication of character, and to marry a virgin only to find she was a cold frigid lover would be like opening a Christmas present and finding a lump of coal...

I would marry a woman who was great in bed without looking at her bank account.....:smthumbup: 

I would not marry a wealthy woman without having had sex with her......


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## WorkingOnMe

Zombie thread. But anyway, I would never marry a virgin. My belief is quite the opposite of the "better wife" opinion. I couldn't answer the poll because my choice wasn't up there. The answer would be "no" but not because it "doesn't mean anything". But because of what it likely does mean. Sure are a lot of stories around here about virgins being frigid in marriage. It's not like 100 years ago when being a virgin was the norm. In 2012, virgins are rare and it probably indicates something about the person's sex drive. Oh, sure, there are exceptions. But not enough exceptions to take a chance on.


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## SimplyAmorous

WorkingOnMe said:


> virgins are rare and it probably indicates something about the person's sex drive. Oh, sure, there are exceptions.


Just saying... I believe I was one of those rare exceptions. I always had a very healthy sex drive. 

At the very beginning of our relationship, when we started to get closer....I remember thinking







...how in the world are we NOT going to do this.... every inch of my body (and his) wanted to go there... But I was only 15 -- not wise !! So we learned to deal with it (not going all the way)...after a time we got used to the pleasure we did indulge in... and were satisfied. 

Others may disagree (we all have our opinions) but I still consider myself a virgin because we waited for our Honeymoon for him to stick it in - then we had some crazy troubles with that ~ funny looking back... Got pregnant







with my hymen fully intact ~ Doctor confirmed .


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## dubbizle

I hate to play devils advacate but you do relise that people from many different cultures will not answer truthfully even if they think nobody else will see it,I have lived in three different countries and visited about 40 others.
Do you call a person a virgin if they have same sex partners before marriage because nobody will suspect they are having sex with somebody of the same gender and then they do find a maaraige partner or are made to get Married nobody knows and they stop the other.

There are also cultures where Anal sex can be had by a couple and they are still considered a Virgin.


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## Caribbean Man

I am always amused when people equate virgins with sexual incompatibility.
If that was true,
Then why do we have so many sexless marriages, most of them were either living together of having regular sex BEFORE marriage?

I think what two consenting adults do with their bodies is their business, and whether they choose to have sex before marriage or wait has absolutely no bearing on what happens in the long term of their married sex life.
What matters is their attitude towards sex and intimacy.
That is what determines sexual compatibility.


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## Cletus

If you're not going to have sex before marriage, you'd better take the time to have some really REALLY long and frank discussions about your expectations after you're married.

Nothing is worse than discovering on your honeymoon that you're not compatible. I don't mean inexperienced - that can be overcome. I mean that you have completely different notions of what constitutes a satisfying sex life.

Trust me on this one.


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## Anonymous07

marcy* said:


> Do you think a virgin woman is more likely to be a good wife and mother?


No. There are other factors that make a woman a good wife and mother. It does not matter if she is a virgin or not. 



marcy* said:


> A virgin is more likely to be faithful to her husband?


No. Whether or not a woman is faithful to her husband has nothing to do with her hymen. It's about love and self-control. 



marcy* said:


> Do you think that a virgin should marry a virgin in order to have a successful marriage?


No, not necessarily. As long as they share the same values and beliefs, there should be very little problems. 



marcy* said:


> What if she is a virgin and her husband has had too many partners before marriage? Do you think this kind of relationship will work?


I was a virgin when I met my husband and he is the only man I have ever had sex with. He has had 4 partners before me, all from previous long term relationships. We both love and respect each other and our marriage works great.


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## Caribbean Man

Cletus said:


> If you're not going to have sex before marriage, you'd better take the time to have some really REALLY long and frank discussions about your expectations after you're married.
> 
> Nothing is worse than discovering on your honeymoon that you're not compatible. I don't mean inexperienced - that can be overcome. I mean that you have completely different notions of what constitutes a satisfying sex life.
> 
> Trust me on this one.



Whether a couple is having sex before marriage or not,
They ARE supposed to take time to have some really long and frank discussions about their sexual histories_ before _meeting each other, and sexual expectations from each other _after_ marriage.
That the only sane way to gauge sexual compatibility.


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## life101

Do you think a virgin woman is more likely to be a good wife and mother?

_No. Being able to value what you have is more important.
Source: Experience_

A virgin is more likely to be faithful to her husband?

_No. Knowing the meaning of commitment is more important.
Source: Experience_

Do you think that a virgin should marry a virgin in order to have a successful marriage?

_No. Knowing boundaries and the meaning of marriage is more important. 
Source: Experience_

What if she is a virgin and her husband has had to many partners before marriage? Do you think this kind of relationship will work?

_Yes. People can change and being valued by the other person can cement a bond.
Source: It is all about connection_


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## TrustInUs

I don't think being a virgin or not is indicative of a woman being a better wife or mother. Nor do I believe it ensures faithfulness of a marriage. Stories on this board can atest to that. I can't say what another couple should or shouldn't do, but I can say that we didn't have pre-marital sex and so far we have a successful marriage.

We weren't virgins and It was hard to abstain,but he did it out of respect for me. It was something I decided to do before even getting with him.

That being said, we had to have some very long and at the time embarrassing (for me) talks about sex. He was more confident, had more experience, and a healthier view on sex than me in general.

To this day I still remember what he told me in one of our pre-marital sessions: "I love you, and I'm willing to be patient, but I expect to have good and frequent sex. I can get good sex anywhere, but I'm trying to have it with you."

Talk, talk, talk and talk some more before and after marriage anout sex. Be open-minded and listen and I believe a couple can be successful in marriage regardless if they had sex before marriage or not.


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## 45188

Do you think a virgin woman is more likely to be a good wife and mother?

No.

A virgin is more likely to be faithful to her husband?

Yes.

Do you think that a virgin should marry a virgin in order to have a successful marriage? 

No, doesn't have to work that way.

What if she is a virgin and her husband has had to many partners before marriage? Do you think this kind of relationship will work? I think they'll constantly cheat on each other and work in a screwed up kind of way.


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## effess

Amplexor said:


> :iagree:
> 
> That is exactly why I never put much stock in marrying a virgin. I wanted to make sure we were compatible. I hate the analogy of test driving the car but that's what it boiled down to. Never bothered me that she'd had more demos than me either.


on the surface the compatibility argument is sound but i think it falls apart with a little analysis.

how many people on these forums are married to someone and early on in the relationship/marriage the sex was hot and adventurous aka they were compatible. however in time due to circumstances , health issues, hormonal changes, etc. they sex life went to crap. 
because your wife was in love young and exploring new things doesn't mean 15 yrs later after a few kids a stressful job and a mundane marriage they are going to be as 'compatible'.


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## Amplexor

effess said:


> on the surface the compatibility argument is sound but i think it falls apart with a little analysis.
> 
> how many people on these forums are married to someone and early on in the relationship/marriage the sex was hot and adventurous aka they were compatible. however in time due to circumstances , health issues, hormonal changes, etc. they sex life went to crap.
> because your wife was in love young and exploring new things doesn't mean 15 yrs later after a few kids a stressful job and a mundane marriage they are going to be as 'compatible'.


Nor does marrying a virgin. At least when we got the the marital bed we had a good idea of our compatibility. No surprises of "Oh, he/she won't do that" or "I hate doing that....." I would equate it to a sexual foundation in the marriage. With the exception of a few missteps along the way, we're still banging it out 25 year down the road


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