# I don't think I am a cheater . . .



## whathappenedtous (Jun 14, 2010)

. . . ok, so now I know I am opening myself up to all kinds of criticism. I have had an "emotional affair". The way I view it is I had been receiving very little emotionally from my husband for years. I asked, no BEGGED for some emotional connection and got very little. I met a man (one time), who lives several states away. He gave me his phone number. I have received numbers before and never did anything, but I just needed to be wanted. We proceeded to talk and text for about 2 months, and then I told my husband about it. He was hurt, and I understand this. He said it would have been better if I had had a one night stand instead, this I don't understand. Especially because sex was not something I lacked or was looking for. 

So that is a little back ground. We have worked through a lot, neither of us wants a divorce. My problem is that not a lot has changed. H is still detached emotionally. He has admitted that he does not think that monogamy or marriage are natural, although he maintains he has not cheated. We are married, but he almost considers us separated in his mind, he will not explain what this means. He said it is easier for him if he has less expectations of me. He has also said that he loves me more now than he has in many years. I just have no idea what all this means. I have asked him and really gotten no explanation. 

Does this make sense to anyone??? Thanks.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

well, I'm sorry you felt you had to go outside your marriage for the attention you needed, if you had put that much effort into your marriage that probably would have turned around as well....but you didn't and now you have a lot of things to deal with.....
I think your husband knows that 2 months of a relationship is an attachment emotionally to someone other than him......
a one night stand doesn't mean anything other than the sex....
He probably thinks that your relationship was bound by the vows you took to be faithful and forsake all others for the rest of the marriage, you broke that vow by becoming attached to someone else, at least in his eyes.....
When you look at a relationship it's easier not to be as attached to someone else, that way no expectations, no hurt.....
He loves you more now because he can see what it would be like if he lost you but staying not attached is not helping you want to stay in the marriage and must be told this...
This is your chance to get it all on the table and make sure each of you get what they need out of this relationship....
good luck


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

I think him saying that he'd rather you'd had a physical/one night stand affair shows how emotionally distanced he is and gives a clear indication of why you did what you did, not that I'm condoning your EA.

Since your EA hurt him that much that he has shut down emotionally even more, ask him how he expects the marriage to succeed. What does he think it will take to put things right, assuming he does eventually want to put things right. Ask if he's really happy with the prospect of an emotionless (for want of a better work) marriage. His answer will tell you where you stand and then you are in a position to know if you can live that way. 

Maybe there is something in his past which makes him feel too vulnerable to risk getting close to you. If this is the case he should realise that keeping his emotional distance is not the solution as this is what led to your EA, and more hurt for him. I think he needs to realise there is no getting away from the issue. 

If he won't answer your questions then I would say consider counselling as a way of getting him to open up if he will agree to go.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Some experts say that men don't forgive infidelity as well as women do, because they understand what it means when a woman gives herself, emotionally, as well as sexually to a man. Emotional affairs are sometimes more powerful than sexual ones.

What I hear him saying is that he loves you, he recognizes how much he loves you but he doesn't think you have the same commitment to him that he does to you. 

You'll need to work out your desires in light of your goals. Stay married, learn to accept his personality and focus on investing into the entire marriage, yourself and see what grows.

Best,

Lyn


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## babyblue (Jun 19, 2010)

How deep did the emotional affair? I think for men, emotional affairs are a much, much bigger deal, and for women it is the opposite. I can understand your perspective on this subject, however. I don't blame you. I hope you and your husband can work through it. Try to put yourself in his shoes and imagine how it would feel to you if it were the other way around.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

I think 'whathappenedtous' needs to define begging..is it done in a nagging way?..not saying you're not or haven't tried..just saying what is your approach..you already allowed yourself to seek other means of satifying your needs, eventually you do want a PA with the man..the man could live on Mars and it would still be the same..it is so easy for a man or woman with the technology there is today to be seduced or seduce someone just with typed words..it's human nature and the way it has evolved so rapidly with technology, everyone wants to be wanted and/or needed..and that faceless person can give you intimate details and vice versa without any formof backlash until it is too late..take it from someone who knows, has experimented with it and is now feeling the effects of it.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

No-Brainer.
IF you really care about your marriage read Marriage Builders - Love Busters.
He's in withdraw - look it up.
When you left your marriage, you too were in withdraw. 
I can tell you from personal experience - a person who's H has had BOTH physical and emotional A's, the emotional A is INCREDIBLY difficult. The PA was too. But the EA killed me. 
IF hurting the person who is supposed to be closest to you in life is a non-issue for you, you have the wrong person in your life. Do him a favor and be honest with yourself and him. He's clearly picked up on your untrustworthy character. This little comment about "received other numbers before" - do you really think your H doesn't pick up on that? How blatant. He has clearly learned to protect himself from your destruction.


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## KALEVRA9 (Jul 2, 2010)

I think Lyn is right. Emotional affairs are far worse then just sexual affairs, not that I support them at all. Just think about that people have sex with other people all the time and it's no big deal, some people have had sex with their boyfriend or girlfriend before they even know if they love them. Usually people get married because they love the other person for who they are, the fun they have together and the secrets they share, NOT because the sex was good. Whe you have an Emotional Affair you temporarily or perminatly detach your emotions from the person you love and give that to someone else. 

I don't know if I have explained very well. I have had this convo with my husband, there are different levels of cheating, emotionally, to me, is the worst kind and very hard to forgive.

Your Husband may have some depression issues, from really anything, and from the sounds of it, it had nothing to do with your relationship (at first). When a person is depressed they detach themselves from everything. I am going through that now. It is his fault for not letting you know if there is a problem, now he is probably hurting more beacuse he feels he doesn't have your love and support.

I feel for you both and hope everything works out.


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## thefirstwifethelast (Jul 2, 2010)

People have relationships with all types of different people. Friends, family members, collegues, all very different kinds of relationships. Unless your intentions were to be involved with the 3rd party to hurt your husband or to sexually betray him I believe your intitled to have connections with other people. Man/Woman whatever. So...what were your intensions??


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> People have relationships with all types of different people. Friends, family members, collegues, all very different kinds of relationships. Unless your intentions were to be involved with the 3rd party to hurt your husband or to sexually betray him I believe your intitled to have connections with other people. Man/Woman whatever. So...what were your intensions??


People have a relationship with ALL of humanity (your relationship to people you don't know is called being a 'stranger' - still a relationship.) Saying you are entitled to have connections with others is pretty much like saying you are entitled to be a human being - its more than an 'entitlement' - it's reality. That pretty much makes the word meaningless without conditions:

There is more to infidelity than just wanting to hurt your husband, or to sexually betray him. Tiny article written by my wife:



> What Is An Affair?
> 
> "I love you but I'm not in love with you." That's usually the first evidence a loyal spouse has that their spouse has been having an affair. Oh there may have been suspicion or the inkling that things weren't right, but these are the words that confirm the loyal spouse's worst fears: there has been an affair.
> 
> ...


An emotional affair does not of necessity need to be about sex. It can simply be an attempt to seek emotional fulfillment in another person; if your husband is not filling something you really need, you have choices. You can work it out with him, you can ignore it, you can leave the marriage, you can seek someone else to fill it - and so on. The affair is ONE of those choices. Over time, an unhindered EA will develop into a more physical thing - that is human nature. 

Marriage is unique in that it is a commitment (a vow or promise) between two people - a spoken (and signed) agreement to take care of all the needs of one another - forsaking all others. This means that as long as the vows are in force, any move toward another person instead of to the spouse IS infidelity - both by definition, and as implicated by the vows you took.

Advice: if a person does not like the idea of forsaking all others to be singularly attached to one person for life: include that in the vows. Whether we like it or not, our words really do mean something, and promised have weight that we often ignore.

"...Whatever your lips utter you must be sure to do, because you made your vow freely..." (Deuteronomy 23:23)

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## notsocool (Jul 4, 2010)

Hi, I am not commenting on how you're dealing with this, but your husband sounds very similar to my ex. My exhusband and my son have Aspergers Syndrome, from the Autistic spectrum.
The emotional disconnect and inability to empathise can make a relationship extremely difficult. 
If we had known that my husband had this disorder, while we were married, it may have made some of the problems we had understandable.
I can only suggest that you both need to look further into this.


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