# I'm stuck in an empty relationship



## EF14 (Dec 20, 2012)

I've been married to my husband for nearly 6 years. And these past 2 years have really been a struggle for me. It feels like we've lost interest in each other and went our separate ways. We have nothing in common with each other anymore. He said he wanted kids when we married, and now he keeps saying "maybe someday." (He's now almost 40). He shows no attempt at any love or affection toward me. In fact, he'd rather spend the day playing video games talking to his online friends than talking to me. He's taken up smoking to relieve stress, a habit if he had before we were married i would have immediately moved on. I often find him repulsive... He'll sit on the couch burping and farting spilling dorito crumbs all over him and wiping his boogers on the couch like a 5 year old. We haven't been intimate in over a year. When i try to show affection he'll usually turn me away. We don't even sleep in the same bed anymore. The list keeps going on...

About 6 months ago we snapped at each other. It resulted in a long talk in which i stated how unhappy i was. I tried to be civil about it, understanding that yelling and blame isn't going to get us anywhere, but he ended up turning the whole thing against me anyway. I don't respect his needs or how he feels. I'm pressuring him too much when he's already under a lot of stress. It was somehow all my fault, which I understand i have flaws as well but i felt he listened to nothing i had to say. I suggested counseling and he blatantly refused saying it's all a sham.

I'm at a crossroads here. I miss the man I married. I want to try to make this work but it seems like he couldn't care less. The thought of divorcing and starting my life over terrifies me. Especially since I feel like if he'd just make some kind of effort maybe things would be different. 

People divorce all the time because of cheating and abuse. There'd be no question in my mind if that were the case. But how do i know when a loveless marriage means it's time to move on? Is there anything left i can do before resorting to drastic measures?


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Doesn't sound much like a marriage to me--you have a slovenly boarder, maybe? Could he be trying to drive you away? Do you both still work? Does he still make 3x your salary? How old are you? Have either of you been married previously?

In 2012, y'all had serious financial difficulties. Have those resolved?

His idea of marriage and mine differ widely and sounds like you lean more toward me. Wondering if he has matured any since the beginning of your 'marriage'?

To me his actions are emotional abuse. Withholding sex is also abuse. How does his family see him? Please don't wait 10 years and be stuck in the same rut.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

When you can so easily pick faults...

When you can so easily note your' spouses short-comings, the marriage has long passed.

When you can so easily pick faults...

......................................................

His picked buggers are on the couch and some have landed in your eyes, blinding any goodness you see in the the man.
I have no doubt you see him for his faults, they are large and in charge of your conscious mind.

When we wish to separate or divorce from a spouse, we find reasons to hate that person.
I don't doubt your reasons are valid, that would be a fools errand.

It is obvious that both of you have given up.

As witnessed:

By the crumbs on his large and soft belly.
By him being called the ****** man.

By your obvious disdain for him.
By your cruel commentary, even if true.

You reduced him to that coach potato.
He made you the crumb police.

He is rebelling against you in this fattening and passive way.

Get counseling or divorce.

It is time for drastic action.

Know that you are not alone in your thoughts.

There are many chubby people who have given up on this life.
They are on this slow death spiral.

That salty snack food is not the cause of his flat lined thinking, his fattened despair, it is the proof, it is the comfort food of the depressed.

He likely will not choose counseling. 
It seems....he has given up.

You cannot force him.

You appear to be someone seeking approval to dump him.

This, as witnessed by your disparaging remarks, hoping to get the majority on here to say, "divorce the lazy bum".

And yes, he has earned that title.
He has for a no-good reason.

Yes, he is over-feeding the inner beast that will one day kill him.



THRD-


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You have no kids and your in a loveless marriage with a slob. The way forward is clear. Save yourself now while you can. Any more investment of your time and emotions is just sunk cost.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

When a man or a woman remains in their home, they 'must' do things or they must relax.
The hours in the day must be consumed. They must be tended to.

When down, or depressed, those things that get done are usually ill producing.

Those who sidle up to food, during most of their home-time, certainly later produce gas and poop.
And they build up their fat reserves which makes them heavier and more likely to remain seated.
This becomes habit, which becomes that spiral downward..

This starts the downward cycle, the downward push of their rump into the couch.

There are mental/bodily/genetic types that are more prone to this growing inertia. 
It takes only a little criticism, a little failure for them to get on the calorie bender.

Society hates the chubby sloths. And society never ceases to remind them of their larger than life condition.


..........................................................................................................

You may rightly say that each of us has it in us to correct our misguided ways. To improve on our actions.
We have this free will.

Look around you, do you see these statements bearing fruit? 
How many are successful performing these active and these slimming ways?

It seems that a very large proportion of our world cannot rise above our thick headed imperfections.
It is what it is. We are these fat storage creatures.

Depression is often the key to fatheadedness.

...............................................................

Woman, if you wish to separate from your husband, do so without attaching any hate.

Escape your fate with clear eyes, neither filled with these sad human buggers.


King Brian-


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> You have no kids and your in a loveless marriage with a slob. The way forward is clear. Save yourself now while you can. Any more investment of your time and emotions is just sunk cost.


A slob over-eats to compensate for slim choices that he/she perceive as available to them.
And society pigeon holes those whom are these hefty citizens. Scorn is heaped on their plate.

Her man is fat. He has developed bad habits. Bad habits that he probably no longer notices.
He has ingrained himself to an early death, this serial eating.

He is not alone.

A slob can be a man or a woman who has given up on life. 

This one, OP's husband, plays video games and eats himself to sick.

I feel sorry for him, and for her, but not for her words. Those that smack of heavy hate.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

For those that wonder about 'our' condition...

We have no chubby bodies living in our head.

Yet, we are lovers of food, love more our bodily temples.

We too, struggle with weighty dreams.

It ain't easy living in an American cornucopia, in this, our supermarket paradise.


The HeadMates-


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why stay?


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sometimes I hate myself for my words.

Those words slammed into faces.

Into those faceless, those seekers of advice.



THRD-


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Would you really ever want to have sex with a man who wipes boogers on the couch like a five year old? There is your answer. I suggest you snap a pic of it for future purposes. Then interview lawyers.


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

With no children in the marriage I'd seriously consider leaving the marriage. It's possible the fact that you want to end it will make him realize how serious of a problem you have. If not, well, you'll be free to go find someone who a)wants children b)doesn't smoke and most importantly c)doesn't wipe his boogers on the couch. I'd add it to the divorce settlement that HE has to take the couch. 

Please don't waste years of your life on him. If hiring a lawyer doesn't kick him into gear nothing will. Move on.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@EF14

Your husband's behavior is emotionally abusive. While on the surface it appears to be quite, scuttle form of abuse that ignores you and your needs, it's actually very loud and in your face. It's like he's shouting at you "You do not exist.", "I do not care about you." It's also a way for him to control you and keep your attention on him... "Look at me. I'm a slop burping, farting, rubbing snot on the couch. I'm ignoring you.. ignoring you... ignoring you... and there is nothing you can do about it!"

You ask if there is anything you can do to turn your marriage around. The only person who you have any control over is yourself. So that's where your efforts have to be... on yourself. Turn your attention to yourself.

You say that you would like to have the man you married back. But the fact is that the man you see today is the man you married. When you dated him and first married him, he was on his good behavior. But it seems that once he got comfortable and figured you would never leave him, he became comfortable enough to start being who he really is.

You have reason and ample justification at this time to divorce our husband.

If you want to do some reading to see what a good marriage should look like and what you should reasonable be able to expect from a spouse, there are some good books: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" are a good place to start. Both are written by Dr. Steve Harley. 

There is another book that you could read after those two "Divorce Busting". If you read this book, pay special attention to the captor on changing the environment. It's a way to "inspire" change in your husband. 

All you can do is change your own behavior, set your own boundaries and enforce them. It's his choice of whether or not he will change in a positive manner.

If you do choose to make one last attempt to fix your marriage, put a time limit on it. Say no more than 6 months. 

Or if you choose to just move on with your life now, know that you are completely justified in filing for divorce as soon as you can. No one is obligated to, or should, stay in the marriage that you describe.


----------



## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Ok. Devil's advocate here.
This is my area of obsession.

Is it possible that your husband is deeply depressed? Lack of drive/ambition, anger (especially in men), lack of self care, no sex drive.

Is it possible?


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He ignores you and refuses counseling with you. You’ve expressed your unhappiness. I can guarantee if you told him you want a divorce and make moves to actually move out, he would be completely stunned and shocked, like he had absolutely no idea this was coming. He would say, why didn’t you tell me you were so unhappy. He would have no clue it was coming. Guaranteed. Because he hasn’t cared enough to pay attention and give a damn. He’d make some changes... just enough to make you believe that he cared and that he was really making an effort… Then within weeks or possibly months of you deciding to stay, he will go right back to exactly how he is now. 

Sure it’s possible that he really is depressed. But I have a feeling it’s going to take an ultimatum from you, and you pointing out that you think he’s depressed, in order for him to be shaken enough to take some action. Depressed or not. Otherwise he isn’t going to change. Haven’t you wasted enough time?




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You get one life and it's short. You can't control him. Don't waste your love on someone who is disinterested.


----------



## temet nostre (Oct 10, 2019)

Plays video games all day. Do you have an idea why he lost all motivation?


----------



## EF14 (Dec 20, 2012)

I do think he's both stressed and depressed. This seemed to have elevated last year when his mom was in the hospital (nagging and complaining all day to him how much she hated it). He would constantly have to drive an hour and a half every day to see her after work then 2 and a half hours back home. On top of the stress from work, he was dealing with the stress of taking care of his mom. Then he'd come home to me being pissed because he'd be in a pissy mood and take it out on me.

On top of that, the stress (so says the doctor) has created such bad stomach problems for him that he can no longer enjoy alcohol and a lot of foods he once could (hence the new smoking habit). It was a lot of negative change for him. But when I suggested he ask a doctor about it, he said something stupid along the lines of depression affects the nervous system it doesn't cause stomach problems like this. And I'll always be under stress so it'll never go away. It made absolutely no sense but i didn't feel like arguing it with him.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You seem to think that living alone at your age is a worse fate than living with someone who repulses you. If this is the case, then you need to make some peace with it.

I personally don't think we have enough time on this earth such that I would live with a husband like yours. My choice.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

He's a manchild. Don't look for that to change.

You are stuck because you want to be.

Why? Only you can keep yourself in this situation.


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

It takes 2 to make a marriage work. He isn’t trying. The marriage is over and it’s his fault.


----------



## Universal Wonder (Mar 18, 2015)

Well, when was the last time you cleaned up unannounced and in secret initiated intimacy?...


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Your marriage is over, this is not how love looks. Don't feel that time is going to repair this. He is rejecting you....doing you understand this? He might not be verbalizing but his actions speak volumes. Be very thankful there are no children. You have the opportunity now to shed this bum form your life and move on. You can find happiness, you can be with someone that cares and wants to be with you. Don't chase something that is dead and no longer benefits you. What a turn-off to watch him slob out eats and picking his nose!!!


----------

