# Is this cheating?



## marla (May 7, 2015)

Hello I'm new. Apologise for any mistakes.

5 years ago my husband left me on a big day (my final exams) to go to awedding of a girl who I knew liked him. He on his part never encouraged her. I was upset and blamed him for going to the marriage of his lover. This hurt him terribly because he was devoted to me. 

A lot of water has run under the bridge. Many things have happened but he is a man who keeps grudges. He doesn't speak to his own family since 15 years due to misunderstandings. 

I know I was wrong. But recently , few days ago I found on a keylogger his text saying "Chatting with you causes tension. You cause erections. " Then no further sms.

Another text to another woman who approached him for I do not know what (the incoming messages are deleted) : " Do not worry. send me your picture. I mean no harm . You are beautiful naturally. Why do you think you need makeup? " Then no further sms.

His nature is helpful . In all probability he meant to reassure this girl.

I asked him about the 1st sms saying; I read it behind his back while he was typing. He accused me saying he had done that deliberately because I was a suspicious creature and that he only typed it but never sent it. 

He tells me to leave if I wish if I was so suspicious. I had accused him 5 years ago while he was devoted to me. Today too he is devoted to me and I speak such slander. 

Why did I put a keylogger? I do not know. Gut instinct? self preservation? Maybe I am a bad person..

The other times are good. He looks after me. Makes me feel special. Has a dream of a future with me. Encourages me in my work.

Culturally we have different beliefs but we have overcome them . There were misunderstandings earlier but resolved. 

But he will not stop giving me grief about my past . I do not know where I stand anymore. 

Any thoughts about this? I am willing to listen to both ways.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

marla said:


> I know I was wrong. But recently , few days ago I found on a keylogger his text saying "*Chatting with you causes tension. You cause erections. *" Then no further sms.
> 
> Another text to another woman who approached him for I do not know what (the incoming messages are deleted) : " *Do not worry. send me your picture. I mean no harm . You are beautiful naturally. Why do you think you need makeup? *


Comparing your anger about him going to that wedding versus you catching him sexting with other women, is nonsense. He's either cheating or attempting to cheat. Because your suspicions were confirmed, that's proof that your monitoring of him was completely justified. He crossed a line. He shows no remorse for doing so. You have nothing to apologize to him for. He's the one that should be showing remorse and begging YOU for forgiveness.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I agree with badmemory.

He is sexting with other women. Is he betraying you? Not sure but sexting means he is seeking out other women and that's good enough for me.

What to do?

Depends on you.

If you can live with him chasing other women so long as he takes care of you, then look the other way and learn to cope.

If you can't, then leave. He can protest his innocence all he may want to, but so what? He knows he's been caught and if he isn't willing to be a man and be honest about it then at least you know his true colors.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He's either cheating or looking to cheat. Do you have a keylogger on this computer now?

If you do not want to live with a man who cheats on your, you will need to leave him.

What are your thoughts on that?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

marla said:


> Hello I'm new. Apologise for any mistakes.
> 
> 5 years ago my husband left me on a big day (my final exams) to go to awedding of a girl who I knew liked him. He on his part never encouraged her. I was upset and blamed him for going to the marriage of his lover. This hurt him terribly because he was devoted to me.
> 
> ...


Call me old fashioned but any husband who sexts other women, flirts online, etc has no business being married. What about the vows he made. Hope you have a key logger in place. Track him fir a few weeks and see what happens. I bet he is in deeper than you think. He has no respect for you at all and no remorse. Get the evidence and then decide what to do.


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## Zach's daddy (Jan 17, 2015)

Yeah it's called "The Game". Your husband is a player. Everything you just described are all the characteristics of a cheater. Telling you to leave if you think he's cheating. That's a line a cheater uses. That's just a test. It's a test because a cheater knows that they are caught red handed. That line is just to shut down the whole conversation. The cheater knows you're not going anywhere.You allowed him to shift the blame and make you feel guilty about his actions. The only thing you did was make yourself a door mat. So now he's about to walk the dogs on you.You have to call him on his BS. Hold him accountable. The next time he invites you to pack your ****, walk your happy ass back there and pack it. Go stay with your parents or a friend for a few days. Right now he's playing the game and he's winning. You have to mind **** him back. I bet these other girls he sexting with aren't "Wife Material". that's why he bringing his ass home every night. Let him come home to a empty house a few times. Give him some time and space to think about what he's done. You have to teach people how to treat you. You can't allow a man to get away with treating you any kind of way.He's going to have this time to to think,and he's going to come running with his tail between his legs. You have to let him know and see that you're not going to tolerate his BS. Until you do that he's going to keep sexting and everything else. Don't allow him to make you feel bad because he's CHEATING!! Let him carry his own guilt. Trust your Instincts. Our instinct is what has kept most of us out of some bad situations. Why second guess it?


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

No, he is not devoted to you. If he was, he never would type those things to other women. It really doesn't matter if he sent it or not! He's communicating with other women behind your back, lying about it, and then blaming you for accusing him of something 5 years ago. 

Nowhere in there is he concerned about you, respecting you, or being devoted to you. 

And if sexting is all he's doing now, and you let him get away with it, he'll take it further. Because he can. And you will allow it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Woman here, 35 years married, career woman, and married at 22 years of age. How old are you and your husband? How long have you been married?

My husband and I agreed that we will exclude ex's in our lives when we married. Your husband's attendance to an ex-lover's wedding would not sit well with me. It definitely would be a deal-breaker. As he went to the wedding, he should be the one to apologize to you. You've allowed him to walk all over you. Work on your self-esteem. 

In addition, he is looking for a relationship by contacting women. Again, don't be a doormat. Set your boundaries and enforce penalties. You can't live the way you have been living with your husband. You will be tortured without change in your marriage.
See a marriage counselor to fix your marriage and see a psychologist to help you with your self-esteem.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

He a cheater.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

badmemory said:


> Comparing your anger about him going to that wedding versus you catching him sexting with other women, is nonsense. He's either cheating or attempting to cheat. Because your suspicions were confirmed, that's proof that your monitoring of him was completely justified. He crossed a line. He shows no remorse for doing so. You have nothing to apologize to him for. He's the one that should be showing remorse and begging YOU for forgiveness.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
I could not agree with the above comment more.

@OP: Read it. Learn it. Live it.


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## marla10 (May 10, 2015)

Hello ! I'm the OP.

Thank you all so much for your replies and I apologise for the delay.
I have not been able to post because of some glitch and I had to create a new account.

Thank you for your support.
I was feeling very distressed and wrote down whatever my emotional state allowed me to. I want to provide a few more details so all of you wonderful people can advise me. 

There have been some major fights where some faults of mine were also there, like -- not being able to fit in culturally . I refused to change my religion and partake religious rituals, ornamentation etc. I'm an atheist. My fault- I handled the situations badly and lost my temper a couple of times. I was very young and immature. 

He was very hurt and I apologized and told him that he could live however he wished to and I wouldn't come in his way. He has on his part given me maximum freedom. 

But I have never cheated nor betrayed him. Never thought of another other than him. I remained true to the fact I would be with him through sickness and health and I have been too. I never realised "however" meant cheating. 

After asking him about the "chatting" text he reminded me that I had agreed to let him be. I had already destroyed his reputation by handling the above situations badly when there were other ways out. He is very willing for a divorce if I continue to press the issue. His contention is that he does not leave me in any need which is true. I honestly have a very good life with him. He doesn't give me any cause for complaint. We are successful and he is a very decent good person to live with. 

Some answers that you guys asked me. 

@roselyn I have been married for 5 years. I'm 30 , he's 38. No the girl wasn't an ex. She was just an acquaintence. I felt hurt that he left me on an important day to attend. I spoke a lot of hurtful things which were wrong.

@ Zach's daddy and aine : I understand what you say.

I have tracked him for a month and these are the only two I found.

One thing I need to make you guys understand - He is never the initiator in these conversations. He is extremely popular- male and female. Lot's of people fawn over him and literally throw themselves at him. He usually circumvents people. These messages were from married girls who approached him and those answers were what he responded. 
These messages are spaced a week apart and with different people after which there is no contact - literally like they have fallen off the face of the earth. 

Another point- His approach to life is to give people what they want. He would have no issues if I did the exact same thing. His idea is that by telling people what they want to hear doesn't construe cheating if one has faith in oneself. This is something that he is with both men and women. 


As I understand from what you guys tell me..this is cheating. Now it is up to me to live or not live with it . 


The problem is I do not feel less loved or less cared for. He is with me almost the whole day because our professions are the same. 

But I needed to give you this background for someone who can guide me . I want to know if this is an open and shut case or is there something I'm missing. Even if, I'm the one wrong. 

Thank you.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Yep, cheater.
He is seeking sexual gratification outside your marital relationship.
Figure out what you line in the sand is and stick to it.

Oh and if you confront him on this prepare yourself for the "under no circumstances have I cheated on you" b.s. 

'Cause cheaters lie.


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## saubryn (May 12, 2015)

In my opinion, by itself, staying in touch with exes and cultivating OSFs aren't signs of cheating in my opinion. My husband is still in touch with most of his exes, and I have a lot of never-anything-but-platonic OSFs. It works for us (married more than 10 years), but many of my happily married friends have different boundaries.

What makes it cheating in my opinion is if there isn't a mutual agreement that those things are OK, if a partner puts the needs of someone outside of the relationship ahead of their spouse's needs, or if there's secrecy. It sounds like your H has managed to hit all three of those points and you need to make it clear that's not OK.


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