# Cause for concern or just continue to take my time..



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

It's been over a year now since anything major has happened in our marriage. And here's where I am with my sex drive... Still having to force myself to do it. There are still stressful situations existing, primarily related to our moving in 6 weeks and a bankruptcy dilemma. But my H has been above and beyond helpful with that, he is doing what he can to make this happen. And this is what I want. But its an incredibly big change, my head is so meddled with "what if's".

I guess what I'm wondering is if I'm continuing to make excuses, or will I ever have my drive back? How long do I wait? The sex is really good and the connection is strong when we are intimate, 2-3/week. I thought it was coming back, but then the whole talk of the move came up... And its began to dwindle again. That's why I think its continued stress.. but then I realize our whole damn marriage has been stressful. The drinking has stopped, the twins are growing up, I'm finally a SAHM, complete transparency, etc.. what am I missing or do I just need to relax?


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

What it's about what? And....what's your fear?


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

missymrs80 said:


> What it's about what? And....what's your fear?


I guess I'm wondering if I will ever have a drive towards my H... Or if the continued stress could be suppressing it. I still find myself feeling angry at him for some things, but I also recognize the move is forcing me to reflect on where we've been. 

I guess I just want to want sex . How can I do that?


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

But what is the deep down core fear. Thats what's blocking you, IMO, from being able to be vulnerable in your marriage I.e. have sex, have a desire to have sex.

Read this...How Our Deepest Fears Sabotage Our Relationships

In a marriage/relationship there is always going to be a choice between the risk of possibly experiencing your fear and being vulnerable (and thus having a happy healthy loving connected marriage) or protecting yourself and never being fully vulnerable. 
Actions in a marriage that one spouse or another takes (I.e. cheating, blaming, name calling etc) is essentially an "exit" from the relationship that stems from that core fear. 

Sorry i didn't give you are short simple answer, but I'm not sure if there is one. If there was I am sure you would have figured it out.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Not saying you are sabotaging your relationship btw. But wouldit be fair to say your lack of desire for him may be you pushing away bc of that deep down fear?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I've told you this before and I will tell you this again. A year isn't near enough time to recover from what you've been through.

What you need to do is have compassion for yourself. These things take time and they can't be rushed. And on top of all that you're still under some heavy duty stress. Moving AND bankruptcy? Moving alone is one of the top stressors in life. Don't underestimate that. You aren't making excuses - what you're feeling is completely normal.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

missymrs80 said:


> Not saying you are sabotaging your relationship btw. But wouldit be fair to say your lack of desire for him may be you pushing away bc of that deep down fear?


Kind of my thought to....








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine suggested I read 50 shades, she isn't aware of everything that has gone on in our marriage. Supposedly the book turns ladies on. There was a time where I didnt have a drive for anything or anyone. I know I get turned on now... I knew that when I noticed an attractive male in the building where I worked. 

Why doesn't my H turn me on? But yes, I need to patient with myself. I love ny H, he is a wonderful father, he would do anything for me and my happiness (now), I truly feel like he loves me and that he is a different man on so many levels, he has qualities I've always wanted in a man and then some, but its all "now", not when I wanted or expected it from him. 

But I think I know what part of this is attributed to... Something I've never stopped to think about... I'm not use to long term relationships.. I've never had one longer than a year or so.. or if I did, I wasn't a good girlfriend, I was married once before for a few years, but I really wasn't a good wife at all. Maybe its not only forgiving him, but forgiving myself and recognizing that this is my future.. I can't just jump ship when things are a little rough, but I should be gentle on me too. 

I dunno, just thinkin...


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