# Should I be concerned about future husband's family?



## cmc

I'm not officially married. I have been with my fiancee now for three years and we are nearing the date of getting married. I had some of my friends tell I should be concerned about my fiancee's relationship with his family, especially his sister.

My fiancee has a younger sister. They are only 14 months apart. They are very close. It happens we live in the same condo complex so his sister is literally a block away. They are pretty affectionate towards each other. They hug a lot and my fiancee has a tendency to put his arm around her shoulders. They also mess around a lot and he will sometimes put her in a headlock or twist her arm behind her back and she will slap him in the back of his head and punch him on the arm. They banter back and forth constantly and have playful arguing. They tease each other and basically smack talk with each other and quite honestly, it's pretty funny at times. 

Anyways, I've grown fond of his sister and we have became close friends, even to the point where I asked her to be a brides maid. She is married herself and being we live so close, her and her husband visit frequently (or we visit them). We tend to share dinner together and watch tv after work, or just generally go out. I've found myself going out with just his sister on many occasions. They have also become our go to couple if we go out on weekends.

Now the problem is I told my friends and family about our situation and they feel he has an unhealthy relationship with his sister. I am an only child so I have no idea what it's like to have a sibling. They say the affection they have for each other is abnormal. I have visited with his parents and they are an affectionate family. His mother is an Italian immigrant who moved to America when she was young and raised in a traditional Italian household. Their father is German/Scandinavian but raised in typical American household. His parents however raised them in a more typical Italian lifestyle. Both of them are fluent in Italian and eat nothing but Italian food. When I first met his mother, she hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. I hate to come off os sounding like I'm stereotyping, but I tell my friends and family that he was brought up in an affectionate Italian family. They tell me I will regret marrying him because his other women will come first. I feel as though the issue is with my friends. I think they may be jealous because I've become close with his sister. These friends I have known since high school and they are still into petty gossip. They say he is flirting with his sister but I don't see it. I've seen him flirt with me and I don't see how putting someone in a headlock is flirting with them. He shows even more affection towards me than his sister or mother. Am I being naive? Should I take this issue up with my friends? Should I talk to my fiancee about it? I've brought his sister into my social group and my friends are nice to her face but then they say crap about her relationship with my fiancee. I think it's time I move on from friends as I don't enjoy their company and enjoy being with my fiancee and his family more. What do you think?


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## Wiltshireman

CMC,

Your fiancée and his family sound to have a great set of interpersonal relationships. Their outward shows of both affection and horseplay would seem to indicate a deep level of trust and love between them.

As this family seems to have accepted you into the fold all should be good.

IMHO people brought up in a household were the open expression of love is encourage or more likely to be able to express their love for their partners when they have a family of their own.


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## EleGirl

My mom was Italian. I have 4 sisters and 3 brothers. The interactions between all of us pretty much sound like your fiancé and his sister. When we all married, the nieces and nephews became part of the this as well. 

Your friends sound awful. I'd say dump them and keep the fiancé.

What concerns me is that you said something to your friends and family. You planted the seed of something being wrong with your fiancé, his sister and his mother. This means that YOU have a problem with your fiancé's relationship with his sister and mother. If you are uncomfortable with his family, it could lead to problems in your relationship.

This is something that I've seen in my family. Some of my siblings married people who do not understand a family with such close interpersonal relationships. It led to their spouses constantly nick picking.


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## turnera

I could only wish to have that kind of relationship with my brother. When my mom died, my brother was afraid he'd never see me again since mom wasn't there any more to give me a reason to ever see him. That's how much I don't enjoy my brother. 

Enjoy the relationships, all of them. Sounds like you guys are all having a good time and he sounds like he's got a good head on his shoulders and was raised in a good family.


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## cmc

EleGirl said:


> My mom was Italian. I have 4 sisters and 3 brothers. The interactions between all of us pretty much sound like your fiancé and his sister. When we all married, the nieces and nephews became part of the this as well.
> 
> Your friends sound awful. I'd say dump them and keep the fiancé.
> 
> What concerns me is that you said something to your friends and family. You planted the seed of something being wrong with your fiancé, his sister and his mother. This means that YOU have a problem with your fiancé's relationship with his sister and mother. If you are uncomfortable with his family, it could lead to problems in your relationship.
> 
> This is something that I've seen in my family. Some of my siblings married people who do not understand a family with such close interpersonal relationships. It led to their spouses constantly nick picking.


When I say I told them, I didn't tell them as in I thought something was wrong. I told my friends about my fiancee when we were starting to get really involved about how I met this wonderful guy etc. I told them that he has a nice family and I like his sister and their so close etc. That's when they said don't you think that's weird? They said it sounds like he's a little too close to his sister. I pretty much shrugged that off.

Then as I was getting closer to his sister and we became close friends, I invited her to meet my friends. She does look a little bit like me meaning similar complexion, hair color, build. They were all nice to her but when she was gone, they mentioned the resemblance to me and how my fiancee is just using me because he lusts for his sister.

Finally after we got engaged, his sister organized a get together to celebrate. We had a formal celebration with his parents but this was without the parents. It was basically a BBQ in the park and she invited my friends who she assumes are her friends since they are so nice to her to her face. Anyways some of the guys started playing football in the field and then the girls joined in. It was touch football but my fiancee started horsing around and tackled his sister and pinned her to the ground and forced her to give up the football. Once we were done and starting to head home, he hugs his sister and thanks her by giving her a kiss on the cheek. My friends thought that was inappropriate. I didn't think so since he was giving appreciation for what we feel was a nice gesture. They've been nagging me ever since making second guess since I have no siblings i don't know how they should interact. I hate that I let them get into my head because I was totally fine without the commentary from the peanut gallery.

The issue with my family is a little different. My family is more typical but rather cold and emotionless. No one says I love you, no one hugs or kisses, if I was ever upset and crying they would just give me space. I've always craved affection. I feel guilty that I like spending time with his family than mine. When I visited his mother she hugged and kissed me. Eating dinner to them is more of an event than just a meal. They all sit real close too each other at the dinner table and talk and laugh. When i brought my fiancee over to my parents house, he hugged my mother and she looked so lost. She didn't know where to put her hands and gave me a look of when is this guy going to let go of me. At the dinner table, he sat next to me and after we were eating, he put his arm around me and moved my hair and kissed me on the cheek. He then said 'bella' which he says means beautiful or pretty. Well this display didn't go over well. My parents think he is just a sex monger. I'm just tired of the judgement and the coldness. I have so much fun with his family and I feel guilty because of that.

Wow I really went off on a tangent there, but it's customary for families to get together. My family and his family got together. Of course his family is hugging and kissing and laughing and having a good time and my family is watching the clock. My dad says I better keep an eye on my fiancee since he's all over that girl, that girl meaning his sister. I guess my parents think a hug or a half Nelson is a sexual advance.

If you guys made it this far in my post I appreciate it. I hate that I'm allowing these people to make me second guess myself. I really should go with my heart and take my friends out of the wedding and move on. I hope I'm not ending friendships if I don't have to but I see no other way.


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## EleGirl

The more you talk about his family, he more they sound like just a good, loving close family.

As for your family, some people think that any kind of touching is wrong; that all touching is sexual, etc. 

What do you think your family is going to say when you have children and your husband is all huggy and loving to them? When he horse plays with them? Brace yourself for that and settle it in your head before you get to that point. 

You really might want to dump your friends. They don't sound like people of good character.


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## cmc

EleGirl said:


> The more you talk about his family, he more they sound like just a good, loving close family.
> 
> As for your family, some people think that any kind of touching is wrong; that all touching is sexual, etc.
> 
> What do you think your family is going to say when you have children and your husband is all huggy and loving to them? When he horse plays with them? Brace yourself for that and settle it in your head before you get to that point.
> 
> You really might want to dump your friends. They don't sound like people of good character.


I think my friends just haven't matured. We used to do this crap in high school. I think they are trying to plant seeds of doubt in mind and manipulate me. I think they are jealous because our friendship was getting a little strained before.

In regards to kids, we have decided to not have kids. Maybe as we get older that will change. I have no doubt he would be a loving and attentive father. I know the kids will have an auntie who is involved if we decide later to have kids. Speaking of which, I know his sister wants kids so we can get our kid fix there.

I also don't think my parents understand their culture. My fiancee was born in the US but his mother was not and passed a lot of the customs down to him. He says it's customary to kiss people you know on both cheeks but his family only does it once. Apparently first impressions mean a lot so he coached me how to make a good impression. I try to tell my dad this but he thinks all Italians are just mobsters and he doesn't want the kiss of death. I'm not what his parents likely envisioned for their son but they still accept me. I was really concerned since they're Catholic and I'm not religious. Sometimes I'm glad my parents live in Florida for half of the year and that makes me feel bad.


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## EleGirl

cmc said:


> I think my friends just haven't matured. We used to do this crap in high school. I think they are trying to plant seeds of doubt in mind and manipulate me. I think they are jealous because our friendship was getting a little strained before.
> 
> In regards to kids, we have decided to not have kids. Maybe as we get older that will change. I have no doubt he would be a loving and attentive father. I know the kids will have an auntie who is involved if we decide later to have kids. Speaking of which, I know his sister wants kids so we can get our kid fix there.
> 
> I also don't think my parents understand their culture. My fiancee was born in the US but his mother was not and passed a lot of the customs down to him. He says it's customary to kiss people you know on both cheeks but his family only does it once. Apparently first impressions mean a lot so he coached me how to make a good impression. I try to tell my dad this but he thinks all Italians are just mobsters and he doesn't want the kiss of death. I'm not what his parents likely envisioned for their son but they still accept me. I was really concerned since they're Catholic and I'm not religious. Sometimes I'm glad my parents live in Florida for half of the year and that makes me feel bad.


I guess your father is a pretty closed minded person. That's a very bigoted point of view he has.

How old are you and your fiancé?

How religious is your fiancé?


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## whatshesaid

his family sounds awesome, and a lot like mine  sometimes people feel uncomfortable with things they don't understand or have not experienced, but that doesn't make it wrong. 
I just got married last october, after dating my husband for almost 9 years. When we first got together he told me he never wanted to get married. He came from a broken home- his father is a workaholic and emotionally unavailable, his mother is a very kind loving woman, but very negative and codependent. As the oldest child and only son, he took on the father role to his younger sisters, and has been an emotional outlet to his mother. His mom has 4 brothers, all of which she dislikes (my husband and I love them all) and although there have always been very few gatherings (usually just thanksgiving, and funerals) when there is one, its always uncomfortable and very dysfunctional. He loves his family very much (as do I) but even from my limited interactions with them I could understand why he did not see any value in marriage. My family is the polar opposite. At first he disliked the constant family gatherings (it always seems to be someones birthday) and the constant attention (who knew you could have 30+ people consistently show up to every milestone in your life?!) but over the years my wonderful husband has grown to love and respect my family, and to understand what it means to be unconditionally loved, to always be supported, to feel safe and secure, and most importantly how a certainly not perfect but awesome in so many ways family can influence and change your perspective on life. Marriage and relationships are all in what you make of them, and after witnessing my family and my parents love and devotion to each other my husband finally understood what marriage and family mean to us, and wanted a permanent part in what we have. 

I personally think your family and friends lack perspective. I think all they know is what they know and what they see makes them uncomfortable. You yourself said that you never found the behavior to be flirtatious, just loving. My siblings are the same, we rough house, we tease, we are comfortable with each other, and we love each other. That doesn't mean I want to marry my brother. 

Your SIL to be has celebrated you, has made an effort to have a relationship with you, and I did not read anywhere that you felt she was trying to come between you and your fiance. My SILs are the same, and I feel blessed to have them in my life. I got 2 new sisters that I never had to share a room with!  They tease my husband constantly, they tell each other that they love one another, they roughhouse and laugh and have a good time. They include me, and make me feel just as much a part of the family. I do not think my husband wants to marry his sisters, in fact I love how he treats them and his mom because I know I am his number one and he will always treat me just as good, if not better. 

and I am really hoping that all made sense. I am running on empty right now but after years of stalking TAM your post was the first that I wanted to share my feelings on.

I hope the best for you, your fiance, and your future family.


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## mablenc

Your friends seem to be jealous of your relationship. if you are going to keep them as friends, stop allowing them to talk about your fiancé and his family. You do realize that the probably back stab you as they do your future SIL. You don't need that negativity around, if your SIL finds out that your/her friends talk about her and you participate or simply don't stop it, it can build conflict between you guys.


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## whatshesaid

oh, and I come from a large italian family.


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## cmc

EleGirl said:


> I guess your father is a pretty closed minded person. That's a very bigoted point of view he has.
> 
> How old are you and your fiancé?
> 
> How religious is your fiancé?


He's old fashioned. It's kind of sad but my family is almost like the show All in the Family. My dad is Archie but my mom isn't quite as warm and nurturing as Edith. He's mad because I decided to have the wedding in a Catholic church and have a more typical Italian wedding. He never cared about planning my wedding until I told him I wanted to add some Italian customs. He's said some pretty offensive things. It was in a snide joking manner. I don't know how I get wrapped up with such insensitive people.

My fiancee is 28 and i'm 27. Ironically I'm only a month younger than his sister. We met while in college. 

He isn't very religious. He believes in God but does not go to church except on important Catholic holidays. His family says a prayer before they eat and I have never seen him pray. Religion isn't a big deal between us. He knows I'm not very religious but we just don't talk about religion.It's not something important to us. With his parents, he tells me to just ignore discussions about religion, fold my hands in prayer before we eat, and don't say anything bad about the pope or mention any scandals about the Catholic church.


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## cmc

whatshesaid said:


> his family sounds awesome, and a lot like mine  sometimes people feel uncomfortable with things they don't understand or have not experienced, but that doesn't make it wrong.
> I just got married last october, after dating my husband for almost 9 years. When we first got together he told me he never wanted to get married. He came from a broken home- his father is a workaholic and emotionally unavailable, his mother is a very kind loving woman, but very negative and codependent. As the oldest child and only son, he took on the father role to his younger sisters, and has been an emotional outlet to his mother. His mom has 4 brothers, all of which she dislikes (my husband and I love them all) and although there have always been very few gatherings (usually just thanksgiving, and funerals) when there is one, its always uncomfortable and very dysfunctional. He loves his family very much (as do I) but even from my limited interactions with them I could understand why he did not see any value in marriage. My family is the polar opposite. At first he disliked the constant family gatherings (it always seems to be someones birthday) and the constant attention (who knew you could have 30+ people consistently show up to every milestone in your life?!) but over the years my wonderful husband has grown to love and respect my family, and to understand what it means to be unconditionally loved, to always be supported, to feel safe and secure, and most importantly how a certainly not perfect but awesome in so many ways family can influence and change your perspective on life. Marriage and relationships are all in what you make of them, and after witnessing my family and my parents love and devotion to each other my husband finally understood what marriage and family mean to us, and wanted a permanent part in what we have.
> 
> I personally think your family and friends lack perspective. I think all they know is what they know and what they see makes them uncomfortable. You yourself said that you never found the behavior to be flirtatious, just loving. My siblings are the same, we rough house, we tease, we are comfortable with each other, and we love each other. That doesn't mean I want to marry my brother.
> 
> Your SIL to be has celebrated you, has made an effort to have a relationship with you, and I did not read anywhere that you felt she was trying to come between you and your fiance. My SILs are the same, and I feel blessed to have them in my life. I got 2 new sisters that I never had to share a room with!  They tease my husband constantly, they tell each other that they love one another, they roughhouse and laugh and have a good time. They include me, and make me feel just as much a part of the family. I do not think my husband wants to marry his sisters, in fact I love how he treats them and his mom because I know I am his number one and he will always treat me just as good, if not better.
> 
> and I am really hoping that all made sense. I am running on empty right now but after years of stalking TAM your post was the first that I wanted to share my feelings on.
> 
> I hope the best for you, your fiance, and your future family.


That is correct. I feel she become a close and trusted friend. I think I may speak to her more than he does. She's been a good resource as to what to get him for birthdays and Christmas and also shared some dirt. I am the point where if I have a problem and I feel like I can only speak to another woman about it, I turn to her instead of my friends. My fiancee says that when you marry into the family, you're not an in-law. You're regarded the same as a blood relative. We're literally a block away and she was over today actually and we had dinner together. I'm not just marrying the man but the whole family. I can see how that can be a turn off to some but i've been in this for at least 5 years and enjoy it more now than when I first met him.


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## SugarMonstaa

WOAH WOAH WOAH, wait a minute here! Who are they to tell you how YOU should feel and be putting these thoughts into your head?? If you've never had an issue with it I think that you should ignore these crazy people trying to ruin a good relationship. Don't let these thoughts ruin it for you.

It sounds like a normal relationship. I mean they're not flirting, plus I know it's stereotypical but a lot of Italians are very close in the touching aspect (hugs/kisses). 

My man has two sisters who he are very close to and honestly I kinda have a problem with it just because we are with them ALL the time, we triple date together, we do everything together, LOL. Also, sometimes they go on their own family gatherings and exclude me because they want alone time.... but the problem is that I'm the one with the issue here because he kinda puts them first in a way.

But I think you should have nothing to worry about.


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## cmc

I have officially distanced myself from some of my friends. This weekend I went with my fiancee to an aunt & uncle's house who was having a family get together so I got to meet some of his extended relatives for the first time. Everything went great and he messed around with some female cousins and chopped it up with male cousins and we played with some of their kids. Pretty good time. Like any family there were some relatives I liked more than others. Anyways, we had a picture taken of myself and my fiancee, his parents, and his sister and husband. We all gathered together for the photo and had our arms around each other. Of course like an idiot I posted it on facebook and got more commentary. I decided to just move on and deleted my friends from my facebook page. They have called and sent angry texts but I'm not ready to deal with that yet. I visited my parents after visiting his family and that was a disaster. That's another situation I'll have to deal with.


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## turnera

FB teaches us all to be catty. Pick the friends who can rise above that need.


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## Wiltshireman

OP,

Please do not worry about the "catty comments" or texts from those who are not happy for you.

You sound to have met a wonderful young man from a stable and loving family. BE HAPPY.


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## cmc

I feel I'm probably just projecting my issues onto him and trying to find faults. My friends can be dealt with but my parents, particularly my father, is getting worse. I'm beginning to think they don't like him. I can dump my friends but I don't know how to handle my parents.


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## Wiltshireman

cmc said:


> I feel I'm probably just projecting my issues onto him and trying to find faults. My friends can be dealt with but my parents, particularly my father, is getting worse. I'm beginning to think they don't like him. I can dump my friends but I don't know how to handle my parents.




You do owe it to yourself to try and make things right with your family.

From what you have said they have cared for you and brought you up even if that was in an atmosphere where outward shows of affection were not encouraged.

Your parents may just be worried that the differences (cultural and religious) between your birth family and that of the man you have chosen may cause trouble or misunderstanding within your relationship. Fathers do have a hard time accepting that their daughters have grow to become independent young ladies with the right and ability to make their own choices (my eldest is 18 and I still call her my "baby girl").

As long as you and your prospective husband have the same hopes and goals for your relationship then its chances of success are good and will be greater still if your birth family can see the level of love and commitment between the two of you growing and give you their support.


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## cmc

My father has a very old school approach to relationships. He feels the man should work in some factory or some manual labor. My fiancee went to college and works an office job and doesn't get his hands dirty. My dad sees him as a pretty boy. This really didn't become an issue till I finalized my wedding plans. My family was never religious, never went to church and you would never find a bible in my house. My parents never seemed to care about my wedding plans when I would ask them for advice. Since it wasn't a big deal with my family we decided to have the wedding in a Catholic church and the reception is going to be catered by one of his relatives who owns a restaurant and catering business. Now my dad is interested in the wedding and making passive aggressive remarks at his family and my wedding. It really hurts sometimes because if you put down the man I'm marrying, I feel you're putting me down as well.


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## turnera

Tell them that. Sit down at the dinner table and say 'let's get this all out in the air.'


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## cmc

turnera said:


> Tell them that. Sit down at the dinner table and say 'let's get this all out in the air.'


This will need to be done. I guess my best course of action is to just be up front with them. I still haven't told them we canceled plans to have the honeymoon in the US and instead are going to Italy. I have a feeling that won't sit well with him.


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## turnera

No offense, cmc, but you seem to have put a lot of control in your parents' hands. As though you need their approval. How old are you guys?


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## cmc

turnera said:


> No offense, cmc, but you seem to have put a lot of control in your parents' hands. As though you need their approval. How old are you guys?


I wouldn't say control as I'm going through with this regardless. Having their approval would be nice. It's disappointing to think that your parents don't approve of you. Maybe they do and they just haven't vocalized it. It begs the question then if they don't approve, do they belong at the wedding?

He's 28 and I'm 27.


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## turnera

I'd think it's more like 'this is how I'm doing my wedding, and I want nothing more than for you to be there, but I'll understand if you don't agree with my choices and choose not to.' Take out even the hint of possibility of you changing things because of them.


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## cmc

turnera said:


> I'd think it's more like 'this is how I'm doing my wedding, and I want nothing more than for you to be there, but I'll understand if you don't agree with my choices and choose not to.' Take out even the hint of possibility of you changing things because of them.


I like the way that sounds. Have to be an adult and be firm.


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## EleGirl

Another thing that you might want to tell you parents is that their grand children are going to be half Italian. So they might want to start rethinking their bigotry.


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## turnera

I know it's really hard for young adults in their 20s to start thinking like an adult, an equal to their parents. But that's what you're supposed to do. Grow up, move from the nest, separate.


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## cmc

turnera said:


> I know it's really hard for young adults in their 20s to start thinking like an adult, an equal to their parents. But that's what you're supposed to do. Grow up, move from the nest, separate.


This is very true. Talking about how things made me feel was never important to my parents. I told my fiancee everything and he has basically said what everyone here has said.


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## turnera

It doesn't matter any more if it's important to them. You have your fiancé for that.


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## norajane

I'm sure your parents just want you to be happy. The problem is they think they know best about what should make you happy. Hopefully they will mellow out as they get older and SEE what a happy life you and your fiance build together over time.

In the meantime, try not to compare them too much to your fiance's family. Yes, they are different and that has a lot to do with culture and how people are raised. But your parents raised you, and your fiance and his family love you, so your parents did _something _right.


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## betulanana

I am from a family like your husband's.
Not italian - but emotional, close-knit, loudish, hugging, kissing. Do not think that it is all sunshine. They can be pretty shallow and backstabbing - that they kiss and hug a person does not mean that they do not turn around and gossip about that persons behaviour the minute he or she leaves the room.

Do not make the mistake and think that all of the emotion your husbands family shows is really there. I - for example - was raised to kiss and hug people of the same sex + to tell them how happy it makes me to have them as my guest no matter how I feel about them. I was brought up to believe that it is impolite to not to ask a guest to stay overnight... and so on.

I love my family. Do not get me wrong. I just do not want you to think the grass is always greener on the other side. Try not to compare them.

May be you could try to make your family a little bit more emotional by hugging them + kissing them more often.
Cutting your family from your wedding is pretty hard to my mind. It will make them sad, don't you think so? After all they raised you, put a roof above your head and clothes on your back.

Your parents probably are a little bit worried if you will be happy when you marry into a family that different from yours + also from another culture and class. Your father may be afraid that you or his grandchildren will look down on him once you moved to a higher social class.

You do not want children yet, but may be later. It would be a good idea to talk about how the both of you plan to bring them up rigth now and not wait until later. Raising children can be a major source of conflict.

How are you going o react if the children show emotions? Are there emotions that are okay (such as joy), but others that are not (such as anger)? Is it okay for a boy to cry? Is it okay to make your children kiss / hug persons they do not like in order to be polite?
If somebody looses a game is it okay to show disappointment or should he just congratulate the winner?... and so on

You are from two different classes: as a member of which class are your children going to be brought up?
Which are the schools they are going to attend? Which language is okay to use in front of the children? Which accent is okay?

Better talk about this and find a compromise before the problems arise.


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## betulanana

http://www.classism.org/wp/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/QuestionsforCross-ClassCouples.pdf?4c9b33

Some questions for cross class couples.


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## cmc

betulanana said:


> I am from a family like your husband's.
> Not italian - but emotional, close-knit, loudish, hugging, kissing. Do not think that it is all sunshine. They can be pretty shallow and backstabbing - that they kiss and hug a person does not mean that they do not turn around and gossip about that persons behaviour the minute he or she leaves the room.
> 
> Do not make the mistake and think that all of the emotion your husbands family shows is really there. I - for example - was raised to kiss and hug people of the same sex + to tell them how happy it makes me to have them as my guest no matter how I feel about them. I was brought up to believe that it is impolite to not to ask a guest to stay overnight... and so on.
> 
> I love my family. Do not get me wrong. I just do not want you to think the grass is always greener on the other side. Try not to compare them.
> 
> May be you could try to make your family a little bit more emotional by hugging them + kissing them more often.
> Cutting your family from your wedding is pretty hard to my mind. It will make them sad, don't you think so? After all they raised you, put a roof above your head and clothes on your back.
> 
> Your parents probably are a little bit worried if you will be happy when you marry into a family that different from yours + also from another culture and class. Your father may be afraid that you or his grandchildren will look down on him once you moved to a higher social class.
> 
> You do not want children yet, but may be later. It would be a good idea to talk about how the both of you plan to bring them up rigth now and not wait until later. Raising children can be a major source of conflict.
> 
> How are you going o react if the children show emotions? Are there emotions that are okay (such as joy), but others that are not (such as anger)? Is it okay for a boy to cry? Is it okay to make your children kiss / hug persons they do not like in order to be polite?
> If somebody looses a game is it okay to show disappointment or should he just congratulate the winner?... and so on
> 
> You are from two different classes: as a member of which class are your children going to be brought up?
> Which are the schools they are going to attend? Which language is okay to use in front of the children? Which accent is okay?
> 
> Better talk about this and find a compromise before the problems arise.


I don't believe his family gossips. I became a close friend to his sister and my fiancee doesn't gossip about her husband. The extended family I don't see often. They all seemed nice but could be mean behind my back. I really only care about his sister and parents.

I'm not sure my fiancee is really of a higher social class. His parents didn't have a lot of money when he was growing up and they lived in a pretty bad neighborhood. They stressed education and religion. He does make more money then his parents.

With regards to children, we've decided to put children off until we're both at least 30. I think we both feel it is important to allow our kids to show their emotions. We both come from different educational backgrounds. I went to public school and he went to Catholic school. We both feel that the quality of the education will be important. The school district we live in currently is borderline so we would probably do private school.

The language I don't see any issue. English is his first language and he really doesn't have an accent. His parents made them learn Italian and he still uses it primarily when talking to his parents so he doesn't forget it. 

We haven't discussed children in awhile so it will be good to revisit it. I also talk to my parents. Just let them know I am going through this with or without their approval. They can either push me away or accept me.


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## EleGirl

cmc,

If your husband's family speaks Italian, I encourage you to learn it. Your children, when you have them, should learn it.

It's not hard to learn. Ask your husband to teach you.

My mother's first spoken language was Italian. But she went to school in the USA so she learned English. My father spoke many language with English as his primary. 

We kids all picked up on English, Spanish and Italian quickly. So my father taught my mother Japanese so he could speak privately to her when we were all there. None of us ever figured that one out.

Seriously, learning Italian and English both as a family could be a very bonding thing to do.


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## cmc

EleGirl said:


> cmc,
> 
> If your husband's family speaks Italian, I encourage you to learn it. Your children, when you have them, should learn it.
> 
> It's not hard to learn. Ask your husband to teach you.
> 
> My mother's first spoken language was Italian. But she went to school in the USA so she learned English. My father spoke many language with English as his primary.
> 
> We kids all picked up on English, Spanish and Italian quickly. So my father taught my mother Japanese so he could speak privately to her when we were all there. None of us ever figured that one out.
> 
> Seriously, learning Italian and English both as a family could be a very bonding thing to do.


It is something I have been interested in. He taught me a few phrases but I forgot them since we haven't practiced it much since. I should encourage he speak it more often so I can practice.


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## EleGirl

cmc said:


> It is something I have been interested in. He taught me a few phrases but I forgot them since we haven't practiced it much since. I should encourage he speak it more often so I can practice.


Learn some on your own and surprise him.. this is an interesting site. They have videos.. like little dramas and teach the language. I

BBC Languages - Learn Italian online with this interactive video drama for beginners

The way my father learned most of his languages is from his grandfather, a eccentric man who traveled the world a lot.

His grandfather would wake up and declare the language of the day in the house. Everyone had to speak that language that day. It worked. Just a thought.


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## cmc

It would be nice before we go to Italy to be able to speak a few phrases.


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## turnera

We just got back from Italy (12 day cruise) 2 months ago. SO disappointed! DD23 has been asking to go there for 10 years. Place is FULL of graffiti. Everything is run down. Trash everywhere. Nothing works. Beggars everywhere. She'd been learning Italian, but we never even used it.


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## EleGirl

cmc said:


> It would be nice before we go to Italy to be able to speak a few phrases.


I've been watching the videos on that website. IT's set up as though the person watching the video is there. Only some of the words are put to the right were you see them written and translated, an replay the words, etc. Maybe he could watch them with you and translate the parts that are not translated... You could learn pretty quickly this way.

One of the important things about learning a language is to hear it spoken, watch how native speakers use their mouth, facial and body expressions. 

I'll quite the language stuff now. Just thought it might be fun for the two of you.


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## EleGirl

turnera said:


> We just got back from Italy (12 day cruise) 2 months ago. SO disappointed! DD23 has been asking to go there for 10 years. Place is FULL of graffiti. Everything is run down. Trash everywhere. Nothing works. Beggars everywhere. She'd been learning Italian, but we never even used it.


Where did you go?


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## cmc

turnera said:


> We just got back from Italy (12 day cruise) 2 months ago. SO disappointed! DD23 has been asking to go there for 10 years. Place is FULL of graffiti. Everything is run down. Trash everywhere. Nothing works. Beggars everywhere. She'd been learning Italian, but we never even used it.


I understand graffiti is an issue in Europe and not just Italy. I imagine homeless would be around places that are tourist attractions. Happens in the US as well. I still feel like there are some good things to see.


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## 6301

It boils down to this. You found a good man and from what you have to say about him, he loves you, respects you and treats you like a man should treat a woman. Compared to some of the threads I've read on this forum, your doing pretty good so far.

He comes from a good family, that has the ability to show love rather than going through the motions. Their open, loud and fun loving so of course it's going to be a culture shock if you come from a family that is conservative in the ways they act. They accepted you in their fold and you must be a real keeper if his Mom loves you. Most guys bring a girl home to meet mom and know right away if Mom approves. So far your batting 1000. 

When it comes to your wedding, it's your day and being that it's your wedding, you don't need anyone's approval as to what you want. If you want Italian food, so be it. I don't know very many people that complain about Italian food. It will be fun though to watch your family when the band plays the Tarantella and see a bunch of Italians jumping around.

I come from a mixed family. My Mother was an Italian lady from a big Italian family. My Dad was Russian. Both were first generation. My Mums side was the conservative part of the family and my Dads side were a bunch of crazy ass Russians who never came out of the early part of the 20th century. They were so off the wall and crazy and there was my Mother, a little Italian lady 4ft 11 inches tall and 95 pounds surrounded by total insanity. She made it.

Sorry I got of the beaten path. I wouldn't worry about your friends who make comments like that and find new ones. I would also sit down with you parents and be respectful but firm and let them know that this is the man you chose and that he be treated with the dignity and respect that he deserves. To put ones nationality as a way to gauge a person is a lack of respect. I wish you the best and if you do have kids, no doubt the Italian will come out in the kids. I know because I have two and believe me they look Italian.


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## betulanana

cmc said:


> I'm not sure my fiancee is really of a higher social class. His parents didn't have a lot of money when he was growing up and they lived in a pretty bad neighborhood. They stressed education and religion. He does make more money then his parents.
> 
> With regards to children, we've decided to put children off until we're both at least 30. I think we both feel it is important to allow our kids to show their emotions. We both come from different educational backgrounds. I went to public school and he went to Catholic school. We both feel that the quality of the education will be important. The school district we live in currently is borderline so we would probably do private school.
> 
> The language I don't see any issue. English is his first language and he really doesn't have an accent. His parents made them learn Italian and he still uses it primarily when talking to his parents so he doesn't forget it.
> 
> We haven't discussed children in awhile so it will be good to revisit it. I also talk to my parents. Just let them know I am going through this with or without their approval. They can either push me away or accept me.


Okay. I see. You already talked about this issues (which shows you are much smarter than me and my husband )

I thought his family was from a higher social class then yours.
That is also why I wrote about accent. Some families I know are snobby when it comes to teaching their children the right (posh enough) accent and I thought that would be difficult for a girl from an working class background.


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## betulanana

EleGirl said:


> cmc,
> 
> If your husband's family speaks Italian, I encourage you to learn it. Your children, when you have them, should learn it.
> 
> It's not hard to learn. Ask your husband to teach you.
> 
> My mother's first spoken language was Italian. But she went to school in the USA so she learned English. My father spoke many language with English as his primary.
> 
> We kids all picked up on English, Spanish and Italian quickly. So my father taught my mother Japanese so he could speak privately to her when we were all there. None of us ever figured that one out.
> 
> Seriously, learning Italian and English both as a family could be a very bonding thing to do.


EleGirl: I am so curious. Where did you grow up?
I figured it was war-time italy. You mentioned war in another post.


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## EleGirl

betulanana said:


> EleGirl: I am so curious. Where did you grow up?
> I figured it was war-time italy. You mentioned war in another post.


My family moved around a lot... we lived in South/Central America, East/North Africa, the Middle East, Italy and the USA.

The were wars/revolutions everywhere except Italy and the USA. The worst of it was Africa.

War time Italy was before I was born. Not many years before, but before.


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## EleGirl

turnera said:


> We just got back from Italy (12 day cruise) 2 months ago. SO disappointed! DD23 has been asking to go there for 10 years. Place is FULL of graffiti. Everything is run down. Trash everywhere. Nothing works. Beggars everywhere. She'd been learning Italian, but we never even used it.


Parts of Italy are having a very hard time now.

You probably went to all the tourist places. They are really over run.

The socialism has ruined so much. I was shocked the last time I went back there. 

Another huge problem they are having are the immigrants and war refugees coming form all over the Middle East and Africa. Parts of the country are being overrun. 

But if you go to the smaller towns you would see something very different. 

I am interested in hearing where you did go.


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## Sunflower_83

I wouldn't worry, if he is close to his sister respect that relationship. I honestly think your friends are trying to cause some trouble. Me and my bro are close and we rough house too, but really it's JUST THAT! it's really gross the thoughts friends can put in our heads, if you have a good relationship with your future SIL then i would try building on that, but i would keep your relationship with your husband private from her and your friends. Family is family, and hopefully when you join his family you won't feel that way. I know a lot of bro and sis who are close and who are cold to each other, and the ones that are happier are usually the close ones.


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## cmc

betulanana said:


> Okay. I see. You already talked about this issues (which shows you are much smarter than me and my husband )
> 
> I thought his family was from a higher social class then yours.
> That is also why I wrote about accent. Some families I know are snobby when it comes to teaching their children the right (posh enough) accent and I thought that would be difficult for a girl from an working class background.


We've been together for 5 years and have been living together for 3 years. Most of this came about when I moved in with him. We discussed future house arrangements which led to what would be best for the children.

Financially our backgrounds are the same. His parents had completely different values. His family valued education a lot more. They sent him and his sister to Catholic school and saved for his college. They lived though in an upstairs flat in a rough neighborhood. Parents never had a new car and he says they didn't get a TV until he was in high school. My family owned a 4 bedroom house and a new car but didn't value education. His family made sure to teach them Italian and they spoke Italian while at home but I don't know that they ever tried teaching an accent. He really doesn't speak with one.


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## cmc

EleGirl said:


> Parts of Italy are having a very hard time now.
> 
> You probably went to all the tourist places. They are really over run.
> 
> The socialism has ruined so much. I was shocked the last time I went back there.
> 
> Another huge problem they are having are the immigrants and war refugees coming form all over the Middle East and Africa. Parts of the country are being overrun.
> 
> But if you go to the smaller towns you would see something very different.
> 
> I am interested in hearing where you did go.


I'm interested to hear too. There are so many places I want to go. We are mainly going to focus around Florence and Tuscany. His ability to speak Italian will help us stay off the beaten path and avoid touristy areas and get a more authentic Italian experience.


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## EleGirl

cmc said:


> I'm interested to hear too. There are so many places I want to go. We are mainly going to focus around Florence and Tuscany. His ability to speak Italian will help us stay off the beaten path and avoid touristy areas and get a more authentic Italian experience.


Florence is a city in Tuscany. You probably know that. I used to spend just about every holiday in Florence, love that part Italy. 

Of course a lot of what you will want to see in Florence is the huge tourist attractions. But you can probably spend most of your time away from that.

I hope you enjoy it.


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## Tiberius

turnera said:


> We just got back from Italy (12 day cruise) 2 months ago. SO disappointed! DD23 has been asking to go there for 10 years. Place is FULL of graffiti. Everything is run down. Trash everywhere. Nothing works. Beggars everywhere. She'd been learning Italian, but we never even used it.


Your observation is quite accurate, you just missed atrocious driving, racism, homophobia, bureaucracy, Eastern European prostitutes on public and residential roads, problems in schools, hospitals closing down and a worst tax system in the world that everyone tries to cheat. 

Sorry OP for the digression. It seems that your in-laws are great, close knit and loving-ignore your ignorant friends who do not understand other cultures.


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## cmc

Tiberius said:


> Your observation is quite accurate, you just missed atrocious driving, racism, homophobia, bureaucracy, Eastern European prostitutes on public and residential roads, problems in schools, hospitals closing down and a worst tax system in the world that everyone tries to cheat.
> 
> Sorry OP for the digression. It seems that your in-laws are great, close knit and loving-ignore your ignorant friends who do not understand other cultures.


Sounds like where I live now except I don't think our prostitutes are Eastern European.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anja

Cmc, where do I file adoption papers? I wish with all my heart (and then some) to have in-laws like that. I'd give my right arm to be accepted with open arms, and my left if they could be half as loving and caring.

Except my Dad in law. I'll bring him though, and we will all live happily ever after, feeling loved and cherished.


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## cmc

Finally had a conversation with my family. It was pretty uneventful. They really seemed disinterested. Just have to go about my life. If they want to be supportive and be apart of my family fine, if not that's fine to. Ball is in their court I suppose.


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## EleGirl

Sounds like that's the attitude you need to take. You are offering them an opportunity to be part of your life and the lives of their future grand children. It's up to them if they want to take it or not.


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