# I'm the problem.....and need advice!



## malibu66 (Jul 3, 2011)

I've never seen a post on these kinds of sites from the spouse that is the one "in the wrong." 

I came from a family that was pretty mixed up. I made alot of impulsive choices to get away from my family. I ran away from home at 15. Got pregnant at 16. Married at 17. Divorced at 18. Ex husband killed in a car wreck 6 mo. later, 2 mo after I got engaged. Parents not happy about that, Ex in laws not happy, living with my folks, going to school, raising a 2 yr old. Married again, all before the age of 21.

I knew before I got married the second time that I was making a mistake, but his parents accepted me and gave me the support I so desparately needed. I had lived in such chaos for so long, I just rationalized that things would be okay once we got married and everything settled down. I knew that I didn't love him the way that I should. I figured that so long as I was a good wife and mother, that wouldn't matter too much. I figured that his controlling, angry behavior would settle down as life settled down. 

Life did settle down somewhat. We had a child right away. But we could never agree on much. Finances, child rearing, housekeeping, etc.. I had sex with him whenever he wanted, about 3 times a week, but my heart wasn't really in it and he knew it. He would ask me why I never initiated sex, why I wasn't affectionate, etc.. I would make up lame excuses like, my sex drive wasn't as high as his and besides why was he complaining, we did it at least 3 times a week??

The more he pressed me and the more he complained, the more resentful I became. The more resentful I became, the angrier he got. I wanted out, but had no resources. Instead of going back home or trying counseling, I had an affair. I won't go into all the details, but it ended miserably. I had to tell my husband, who then went and told our parents. He didn't kick me out or ask for a divorce. He wanted to work things out. I told him my heart wasn't really in it, but that I was unwilling to leave my kids. We went to counseling, but it wasn't long before we were back in the same pattern as always.

The fact is this... we have wasted 15 years. We don't have much to show for it except our children. I feel nothing for him (unless you count anger, pain and guilt). I can't imagine a day when I would feel differently about him, yet he continues push for counseling and keeping this marriage intact. I don't really understand that. Our marriage has been miserable for both of us.

Is there anyone out there who can relate to my situation and give me some feedback? I feel very alone..


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Of course you are miserable, and it sounds like you already know who to blame for that. Your situation will never get better unless you start making good decisions. If you are so far removed from the relationship then you really need to get out of it, although I understand your concern about finances. Affairs are never going to bring you the happiness you desire, they are merely an escape for you. Ultimately they will always come back and bite you when you get caught.

You might reconsider *if* you could love this man and be happy with him if you put 100% into the marriage. If your answer is no, then your choices are nothing more than staying with him and being miserable, or leaving regardless of the finance/resource issues and trying to make a better life for yourself.

I would caution you to think hard about whether you can make "good" decisions about your life after divorcing this man because it is obvious by your life description that you have not made good "partner" decisions in the past. You will do nobody any good if you end this marriage and just enter another one that you know is a mistake.


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