# Need some dood perspective :)



## mommyof31982 (Sep 6, 2010)

So like any marriage mine is not perfect and a couple weeks ago I caught my husband watching/looking at porn. I confronted him, and we have talked about it- Im still a lil hung up on it all but Im working on it. Now while I am not in any way blaming myself for his reaction to our lack of "action" (self gratificaton via porn)- I have been trying to pick up the slack on my end and not deny him and show him more attention. This is something I KNEW I needed to tighten up on even before I caught him. My concern is that he somehow views this as something it is not. Almost like a child who does something bad- it gets attention- so they do it again. That is NOT the case here. How should I make sure that he understands that if he starts sneaking around again it wont be so easy going....especially since i have told him that if that kind of stuff revs his motor then I will be happy to watch it with him.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Need more information.

You 'talked about it. Sounds like he was forthcoming about feeling there has been an overall decline in both the physical and emotional aspect of your relationship. 

You concur? Or not really? 

What exactly are you hung up on?
Sounds like you were relatively appalled at discovering your husband masturbating and using porn.


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## mommyof31982 (Sep 6, 2010)

I confronted him about the things I stumbled upon ( porn on the viewed channels history, watched at night while I was up with one of the kids) also porn pics sent to him by one of his buddies. HE actually wasnt "forthcoming" about anything and tried to play it off like I was loony until I told him exactly what I had found and where. 

I concur that our relationship has been lacking lately, and am trying to do my part to get things back on a good field.

Im hung up on the sneaking around, and being pregnant and hormonal right now I can't shake the feeling that he desires those plastic b*tches more than me. Not a feeling I am accustomed to nor is it something that would usually bother me if my own self image wasnt thwarted for the moment.

I am appaled not by the porn itself nor by his masturbation but at his redirection to that without communication with me. Our physical relationship has been evolving, and I try to communicate with him my different needs and wants and it seems like rather than try and accomodate he would just as soon not ask and not have to deal with making me feel sexy.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Just can't understand why guys choose to deny this ...
like a kid caught with his hands in the cookie jar.

Is he generally avoidant when it comes to dealing with you?

What is your sex life like outside of the scope of being pregnant and hormonal?


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## mommyof31982 (Sep 6, 2010)

no, not usually avoidant at all. Its almost like he is ashamed of the need to masturbate ( we have had that conversation before , but in regards of doing so to build stamina) I dont know if him being raised catholic could have anything to do with how he handles that particular action. 

Our sex life has always been good, with the exception of a few speed bumps. This isnt the first time I have caught him doin this, but each time with the exception of once has been while I was pregnant. My sex drive takes a nose dive for the most part of my pregnancies so I understand his need but at the same time, I have told him what it would take to get me in the mood more often . So its not like he is clueless, just almost seems lazy.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I have made the analogy before, and I of course think it's brilliant ...

You may not appreciate it, but I hope you can see past the food piece and make the connection.

Porn is like fast-foood. It stems hunger, but it isn't nearly as good, or satisfying as a 5 course meal.

Here is my opinion:

The 'lazy' piece you are referring to may be correct. But it may also be something else. Could be Madonna Complex. Somewhere in the male mind it seems inappropriate to take your pregnant wife's ankles and pin them behind her ears. Just doesn't jive with the "delicate and loving vessel carrying the hope of new life" if you get my drift.

Could also be that he knows it takes effort to get your motor going - effort that he may put in and STILL get shot down. Most men know this game plan like the back of their hand - which is why they then defer to their hand to get the job done.

Why buy the ingredients and prep the five course meal when it is highly likely that your partner will simply say "Meh, I'm not really hungry."

Your husband sounds like a pretty decent guy in the scheme of things. So, I applaud you for giving him the roadmap. It's on him if he chooses to simply ignore it. But ... it is most certainly on you, if he makes the effort and you are shutting him down.


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## mommyof31982 (Sep 6, 2010)

Thanks for taking the time to reply. 

I definately don't think he is a bad guy by any means. I wouldnt trade him in, for sure. LOL and he certainly wouldnt get shot down if he would do what I need to feel like rompin around with him. 

You aren't off base with the Madonna Complex comment, he has said on several occasions that he just feels awkward, which I can also empathize with..hell I feel awkward too. I do without one of my most favorite things when I am pregnant (felatio) because honestly I would feel a lil weird if he got kicked in the forehead or somethin too...and God didnt slight him at all in the package dept so Im sure he worries about hurting me or the baby even tho we both know he wont. Thankfully this is our last child so the pregnant sex thing is a temporary problem.


I think/know that with the rapid expansion of our family ( 3 kids in 4 years) that we are definately having to relearn alot of things in our physical relationship and even some things ie: what he and I desire and like at this point, are changing. Like I said I just dont want my abundant effort to be mistaken for acceptance of guilt at his sneaking being my fault or that it would be OK if he continues to do it behind my back.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Tell him exactly those words. And for the benefit of your rapidly expanding family and the two people that made it possible - keep having those conversations.

Try the following suggestion. Encourage him to co-masturbate. Basically, masturbate with you, or on you (breast, fanny, face, whatever the both of you are comfortable with) - with or without porn to stimulate the both of you. Keeps pregnant sex in-play without harming you or baby. Best of luck.


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## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

mommyof31982 said:


> no, not usually avoidant at all. Its almost like he is ashamed of the need to masturbate ( we have had that conversation before , but in regards of doing so to build stamina) I dont know if him being raised catholic could have anything to do with how he handles that particular action.


I can almost guarantee you it is related with the guild and shame associated with masturbation ALL boys face when growing up.

How long of a list of guilt and shame inducing statements do you need to see? Some people can never get past those manipulative feelings.

That is dirty, you should never do that!
Little boys who do that will end up in hell!
Good little boys don't do bad things like that!

etc, etc. The list goes on. When you "caught" him, using your words (because people don't get "caught" eating dinner. Getting "caught" implies something "bad" or "wrong") and confronted him, all those feelings of shame and guilt came flooding back. You probably don't need to be reminded about how badly you think and react when you feel totally ashamed or guilty.

It took me many years to overcome some of these things, and there are still many I've not overcome.

FYI, those feelings of guilt and shame he feels are from years of emotional manipulation to enforce a desired behavior. They are not easy to lose.


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## mommyof31982 (Sep 6, 2010)

you are right. I used the word "caught" because that is how he acted. He could have asked me to join him, but instead tried to pretend he wasnt doing what we both knew he was doing. He's walked in on me in the shower before but I handled it more like..well since you are home now what do I need this shower head for. LOL


Boogsie- you are right girls and boys are taught that self pleasure is a bad thing in most homes. I didnt grow up in a home like that but I can recognize how I would feel if I had. When I approached him about it I tried to encourage him that there is nothin wrong with masturbation or fantasy..only somethin wrong with hiding it. 

Deejo-thanks. I will make that suggestion and see where it goes.


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