# Feel like moving too fast or not?



## soccermike39 (May 30, 2012)

I am new here, needed to find a place to seek opinions about relationships

I am Mike, 39 and divorced with 4 daughters. I have been divorced since January after a 2 year seperation which eventually ended in a divorce. 

Last Summer I met this woman, moved in with her way too soon and broke up with her on New Years Eve. I took this woman as my get over the marriage relationship . Get my feet wet with a new relationship and at the end, I broke up with her.

This past January, I met this amazing woman. She is 34 and a mom to a 5 year old son. She has an awesome job, loves kids ( birth to three special education teacher at her school district. Since day 1, we just connected. Everything seems right, we are in love with each other. This woman basically completes me and I see her as a perfect woman to be a step mom to my girls.

She owns a house and it's been the last month where I basically stay from Friday night to Tuesday ( my job is very flexible ) plus I got rid of my apartment so I live at my parents. I don't have to work but my paycheck won't be alot but since I am with my GF, she makes very good money and don't need to worry about having money in my pocket just my child support and cell phone bill.

I just spent 5 days with my GF and her son,, it was awesome. Yes we had our moment on Monday ( she got cranky at me ) but we communicated and she realized she was wrong. Not a big deal ..

Other than that,,, it seems so right to the point that I want to buy a ring ( not now but before the year is up ) but also move in with her sooner than later because it just seems so natural. 

We only been dating for 4 months but we have spent so much time talking and being together, it seems like we known each other for a year already and when we say , it's only been 4 months,,,, it shocks me. 

I guess what I am trying to say,,, if you feel so strong that it's right,,,, do you just move forward and move in or will it do more damage? The same applies to buying a ring,,, I heard people get engaged after a couple of months of dating and now married 10+ years ....

How do you know????


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I'm more concerned about your cavalier attitude toward your job and your financial situation -- who is saving for college for those four girls? And why are you content to live off this woman's income?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

It sounds like it's going way too fast... and there are too many children involved to do that.

I have a question along the lines of lamaga... financially what are you bringing to a union with this woman? It doesn't sound like much. The support to your children is for them only...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

The money thing is a big deal. She might be okay with being the provider NOW but over time she will grow to resent it.

I'm with A Bit Much what do you bring to the table exactly?


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## soccermike39 (May 30, 2012)

I understand the money thing and it does bother me however its my GF who doesn't care. She wants me to be happy and not come home stressed and if I can give more support around the house such has mowing, home repairs etc etc,,, that's more important in her eyes than someone making money to support her. She actually will not let me go back into the office enviroment because her main focus is me being happy and she knows sports and kids is where my heart is. I have a great job managing an indoor sports arena which I love and she knows how much I enjoy working there so to her, it's not about money. 

I make over 40K a year with a flexible schedule as I watch TV and listen to music and watch sports. I don't think a lot of people can say that about their job. I wear a T shirt, sneakers , shorts and it's whatever goes goes,, I am there alone at night with no boss hounding me and I can make any decision I want without authorization from an owner, they have trust in me. 

As a matter of fact, if we do become more serious and move in together, we have discussed moving closer to my job .

I don't leech off her, I buy dinners for her to cook and if I don't have money for a coffee , I don't ask her for 3 dollars. If she offers, then I say sure. I have yet to ask her for money.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

While I think that relationships that are healthy tend to move fast, I see trouble in what you've posted. 

She's ultra responsible, she completes you, she makes great money, and you.... are taking advantage of it. From everything else you wrote, I'm of the mind that she'll wake up and realize you're not pulling your weight. Perhaps that was what your "moment" was about, and your relationship is still new enough that she's wanting to give you the benefit of doubt, so she's listening and empathizing. However, if you don't man up and start contributing as much as you get, you'll both end up miserable. Hopefully you won't be stuck with divorce proceedings when it gets there.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Everybodys giggly and happy with their rose colored glasses on in the first 6 months. They don't call it the honeymoon phase for nothing.

The very things you think she's 'okay' with now, will be a point of serious contention in a few years. What once was cute isn't so cute anymore. You're like a big kid really. There's nothing wrong with that in theory, but in practice.... a whole other ball game. You'll be a father figure to her son. She may not be thinking of this right now, being in the throes of LUB, but let me tell you, later down the line when this kid is hitting puberty it's going to be a different story. Also, how you treat and care for your own children will come under a microscope. 

My advice hasn't changed. I think you're going too fast.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

You're moving WAY too fast!

The LAST woman only made it about 6 mos. when that blew up (and you thought SHE was the one...or you wouldn't have moved in together.) THIS woman has only been in your life 4 mos. 

What the heck is the BIG RUSH to (a) get in a permanent relationship (b) get an engagement ring (c) move in together (d) get married??????

Did YOU learn anything from your failed marriage? Or was everything your ex-w's fault? Did YOU learn anything from your failed live-in relationship? Or was everything your ex-g's fault? Have YOU made ANY PROGRESS in personal growth since you and your wife split up 3 years ago, or are you just drifting through life enjoying yourself? If you're drifting, you can expect your NEXT marriage to be pretty much like the one that ended 3 years ago!

You have FOUR daughters that are depending on you for MORE THAN THEIR CHILD SUPPORT!!! They're expecting you to get your act together and provide them with a father who's in a SECURE, MATURE relationship for the long-term. A father who is WORKING TOWARDS it...not WISHFUL-THINKING it.

Quit rushing things. If this woman REALLY IS "THE ONE", then she will still be "THE ONE" in 2 more years, or 5 years or whenever is the right time for you two. But it sure as heck ain't NOW.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

soccermike39 said:


> I understand the money thing and it does bother me however its my GF who doesn't care. She wants me to be happy and not come home stressed and if I can give more support around the house such has mowing, home repairs etc etc,,, that's more important in her eyes than someone making money to support her. She actually will not let me go back into the office enviroment because her main focus is me being happy and she knows sports and kids is where my heart is. I have a great job managing an indoor sports arena which I love and she knows how much I enjoy working there so to her, it's not about money.
> 
> I make over 40K a year with a flexible schedule as I watch TV and listen to music and watch sports. I don't think a lot of people can say that about their job. I wear a T shirt, sneakers , shorts and it's whatever goes goes,, I am there alone at night with no boss hounding me and I can make any decision I want without authorization from an owner, they have trust in me.
> 
> ...


I think you posted this as I was writing my first response. 

Why would you move closer to YOUR job if all this is true?


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## soccermike39 (May 30, 2012)

WOW, you guys are awesome and I mean that. My first marriage ended up with her having not one affair but two. We seperated the first time and then she asked me back to only find out she continued talking to him and I finally had to say enough.

My short time girlfriend. This was more like a rebound relationship. I was living at home when we started to date, we ended ( God knows why ) but getting a place together and after 2 months of living together, I got to know her better and I never grew true feelings for her. Maybe it's because she lied about everything and everything that came out of her mouth was a story.

I now met this wonderful woman. Is it a crime or something bad that he honestly doesn't care financially. She already feeds her mother, brother , soon to be sister in law and her son. She does everything and yes it gets to her but she has a heart of gold. She will work all day, come home around 330ish and then cook dinner for everyone. 

She has pleaded to me,, it's not about your job that concerns me. I once had a discussion with her about this and she said " I told my mom, the next man that comes into my life, it's not about money or his job, I want a man who I can love for who he is "

She is very serious about me seeing my girls,, she would rather me see my girls than her. This comes from her where, her father cheated on her mother and the father was never around so she wants to make sure that I spend as much time with my daughters. 

I can write a book about my past marriage, my rebound relationship and my current GF. 

I think I missed out on a happy marriage. My ex and I should have never got married. We got married to young ( jumped on the band wagon with all of our friends getting married ) we are like water and oil mixed together. We never communicated, never had sex, and she basically emotionally abused me according to the marriage therapist we saw . 

I want that happy home ( the home I never have ) I guess when you feel it's right,, it's right. 

You guys are right,, what's the rush. I think part of the rush is when were together, we are so happy and her son loves having me around so we basically ( at times ) act as if we are married. 

Maybe part of the problem is she lives an hour and twenty minutes away and it's hard to see each other so when we do,, we are together for 4-5 days straight ( this is where we get the feeling like were married )

Who knows


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Both of you have issues from your past. Have they been dealt with? Or do you both think you can just go forward and this time it will be 'different'?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

SHE'S moving way to fast and you should be leery of that.
Looked at this from your perspective it's all good.
But there is something inherently wrong with a woman who takes a guy in after 4 months, and has children who will be exposed to the relationship, especially with your prior track record. And would uproot and move. 
Put on the brakes.
If it's the real thing it will be there in the future sure enough.
Why not just take time and date and hang out and have fun and put her money towards a baby sitter once or twice a week...instead of setting up housekeeping. It's not all about housekeeping, it's easy to make it look like the relationship is working because all the logistical pieces to the puzzle can be addressed, and she offers up words to cover the rest, but but but 4 months with kids involved is way too fast. Stop staying there. It's setting the stage for being too invested too soon and nobody being able to address issues with any real power to stay or go or cool off...people need their space for about a year, maybe even more.


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## soccermike39 (May 30, 2012)

Ok, she is not moving,, never can leave her mom , her brother and her SIL with thier 9 month old. 

We have talked and said this isn't an option . She just mentioned it because she knows how much I enjoy working at the sports arena

Your right,, just enjoy the time but I want to get a ring but I know it's way to fast. 

Is it because we both know what marriage is and that we don't have much to lose? I have a vasectomy so there will be no more children.

I read forums where people got engaged a couple of months and they are on their 25th wedding annivesary,, they say when you feel and know it's right,, it's right.. 

I can never see myself proposing to someone after a couple of months of dating...


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> Is it because we both know what marriage is and that we don't have much to lose?


This is the main reason why you shouldn't jump into this.

You both stand to lose quite a bit... this relationship will expand by the 5 other people you seem to not be thinking about. Stop only focusing on yourselves. If you didn't have children, my advice would be different.


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## soccermike39 (May 30, 2012)

Really,, yes I am deathly scared of one day breaking up and really making her son sad. He is already attached and calls me uncle Mike and asks his mom if she will marry me . 

I am concerned about that,, I am not going anywhere though so it's a risk you take


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

If you both feel the same way in a year, then go for it. 4 months isn't long enough. Right now, it's all fantasy and oxytocin.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

soccermike39 said:


> I read forums where people got engaged a couple of months and they are on their 25th wedding annivesary,, they say when you feel and know it's right,, it's right..
> 
> I can never see myself proposing to someone after a couple of months of dating...


I got engaged within a year of dating and am coming up on our 21st wedding anniversary. And I assure you it was too fast. We didn't even have kids. Yes we struggled....A LOT.

Slow it down. It's too soon and there are too many people involved.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

She will lose all respect for you if you propose too early with a ring. It's generally viewed not as a sign of love but as a signal that once she really gets to know you she'll change her mind so try to get her to commit right away kind of thing. Like I said if it's the real thing then if you go slow and enjoy the dating (not getting kids involved) then it will still be there in a year or two, no worries. You should really back off, and date other people...


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

The time you have been dating for doesn't concern me as much as your financial incompatibility. I know it all sounds good right now, however it potentially can be a big issue once the silver dust of your honeymoon phase settles down.


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## soccermike39 (May 30, 2012)

If it feels so right,, then it's right. I don't think there is a true answer for this


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

soccermike39 said:


> If it feels so right,, then it's right. I don't think there is a true answer for this


Nobody's telling you how to feel. We're trying to get you to think beyond the feelings and make a sound decision based on logic and facts, not feelings which change like the wind.

Neither one of you IMO are ready for marriage. Give it 8 more months before deciding. If she's the one, nothing will change between you.


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## soccermike39 (May 30, 2012)

im really curious on why someone would mention dating other people.. What will this do for each of us... I can't imagine letting her go out for dinner with another man,.. I would have so much anxiety, especially when my ex wife cheated on me.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I don't think you should date other people. Just hold off on marriage that's all.


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## soccermike39 (May 30, 2012)

Someone mentioned that though, so I got confused. I guess if you feel it's right,, what's stopping you


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

soccermike39 said:


> Someone mentioned that though, so I got confused. I guess if you feel it's right,, what's stopping you


People with poor impulse control need to think about decisions twice as long as others without it.

You sir have poor impulse control when it comes to relationships. You ran into a move in situation with the last one... look at how that turned out? You're already spending almost every day with this one and it's been only 4 months. She has a child that's involved here. An impressionably aged child at that.

Take your time. She's not going anywhere.


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## soccermike39 (May 30, 2012)

I hear you,, the first woman, after a couple of months,, I knew we wouldn't have anything and I sort of used her to have a place of my own.. I would have broke up with her earlier but it fell around the holidays. 

Her son is 5 and if anything did happen,, he would be crushed. 

I only see my GF, every weekend for maybe a night or two.. She lives an hour and twenty minutes away.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I only see my GF, every weekend for maybe a night or two.. She lives an hour and twenty minutes away.


My apologies. I thought I saw something about 4 or 5 days out of the week somewhere.



> I knew we wouldn't have anything and I sort of used her to have a place of my own.. I would have broke up with her earlier but it fell around the holidays.


This nugget of info is interesting though. You admit to using her? That's not nice at all. 

What's different this time?


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## Albert_32 (Feb 20, 2012)

seems to me like you have already made up your mind and just wanted to hear something to make you feel good about your decision. I'm with the posters here, but like I said you've made up your mind. Good luck


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## soccermike39 (May 30, 2012)

I am not here to force people to say what I want to hear. I wanted opinions and that's what I got.


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## Albert_32 (Feb 20, 2012)

we just want to help, trust me I see a lot of things that may go wrong with your relationship and I am not anywhere as smart as some of the people on this forum


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## soccermike39 (May 30, 2012)

LOL,,, yes you probably do but what if everything I am saying is true, about financially , being in love. What if God rewarded me for the past 12 years of hell with my ex.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

My completely unqualified opinion is that this won't work.

She makes enough money to support herself and her child plus she owns her own home.

You have 4 daughters and live at your parents house and think you only need to make enough money for child support payments and cell phone bills.

It's too much too soon. And while I appreciate that you love your job, sometimes parents have to take a job they don't like and is stressfull because it pays more money to pay for 4 kids. It's about responsibility. Your "happiness" at work should have ceased to have been a priority after that first daughter was born.

It's just my opinion.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

soccermike39 said:


> LOL,,, yes you probably do but what if everything I am saying is true, about financially , being in love. What if God rewarded me for the past 12 years of hell with my ex.


This is just you trying to rationalize your situation. Magical thinking at it's best. You want so badly to have a happy relationship that you are blind to reality.

Life doesn't work this way. What usually happens is people go from one bad relationship to another. Have you learned to be okay alone yet?


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## seesah (Apr 26, 2012)

I would say that you are moving too fast. I've been where you are. My husband and I met late March and I unofficially moved into his house in April around Easter. I had just gotten out of a relationship of 3.5 years in January and he was still officially married but separated. We had a little break where he felt that we were just spending too much time together and I moved back in with my parents but that only lasted a few days and he asked me to come back. His divorce finalized the following year, he proposed to me that October, and we married the following July. Most people would say that's very quick. We've had our share of problems because neither of us really dealt with being alone before we jumped into a new relationship. He has joint custody of his daughter and I would like to think that moving that quickly didn't affect her at all but I'm not sure how it may have affected her idea of what marriage and relationships are supposed to be like.

Honestly, if it had been up to me, I would have gotten married to him a few months into the relationship but he was still married at the time. I would have allowed my feelings to override any logical notion that I had about building a foundation for a lasting marriage. It may have worked out but I'm codependent and that has a lot to do with how quickly I jumped into this new relationship and how hard I fell so quickly. 

I understand the twitterpated feeling where you want to be with that person every minute of every day and you want to spend the rest of your life with that person. I agree with the other posters that right now you should think with your head because emotions can be fleeting.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Well, my husband proposed to me 6 months after dating. We married 6 months later and the last 13 years(married 12) have been the best of my life. I was a single parent going to college, but he wanted me to quit college and my job to be a SAHM. It took me a while to quit work and school, but I made the right decision. 

Money has no meaning for me whether I was the breadwinner or if he was. He'd be a SAHD if I was the breadwinner. I'm absolutely in love with my husband and will be by his side no matter what life throws at us!


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## soccermike39 (May 30, 2012)

Thats how I feel , inlovewithhusband,,,,, I feel it's right and it's not about money.. Your a perfect example,, 6 months engaged, 6 months married and your so happy... Why is there a timeline on things


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I honestly don't believe in timelines, but I was ready before that 6 month mark. My husband is a super nice guy and has proved that over and over. He was in love with me after a month of dating. I was shortly after. I kept my guard up a little longer due to my previous marriage. He, too, was married prior, but without children. He wanted to start a family and was already in his 30's and I was in my mid 20's. I'm the luckiest women on this planet to have my husband. The best part is his feelings are mutual, he is in love with me as much as I am with him. We still are in our honeymoon phase and forever will be. We still hold hands every night while spending time together talking or watching tv.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> She already feeds her mother, brother , soon to be sister in law and her son. She does everything *and yes it gets to her but* she has a heart of gold. She will work all day, come home around 330ish and then cook dinner for everyone.


 I'm going to be brutally honest here, Mike, and you're not going to like it.

There is something VERY WRONG about the above quote (emphasis mine)! Your GF may be a very nice person, but she also has a 'martyr' complex. She is supporting 5 people (and you to some degree since you said all you need to pay is child support and cell phone bill...that you won't ASK her for money, but if SHE OFFERS, you'll take it, etc.) 

She sounds needy. You sound needy as well and desperate to prove that YOU can be happy after your cheating ex-wife pretty much trashed your ego.

You BOTH exhibit some very serious signs that NEITHER of you is emotionally ready for a healthy, adult relationship. The fact that her very young son is already inquiring re: whether you'll marry his mother is DISTURBING! The fact that you're using 'magical thinking' to convince yourself that rushing into this relationship is FATED and a sign of TRUE LOVE instead of a logical, emotionally-stable DECISION is also disturbing and scary (considering there are 5 children involved!!!)

IF YOU ARE TRULY SERIOUS about making this relationship work, then you and GF ABSOLUTELY MUST get into couples counseling or each in individual counseling BEFORE you move this relationship forward to something more serious. There is a GOOD REASON for the old saying 'marry in haste, repent in leisure.'


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

She sounds codependent to me. Looking for another half person to make her whole.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

soccermike39 said:


> LOL,,, yes you probably do but what if everything I am saying is true, about financially , being in love. What if God rewarded me for the past 12 years of hell with my ex.


What you're likely doing in doubling down on everything that didn't work the first time.

It's invisible to you now.

Trust the people who have been there.

I'm one of them.

You write, "Yes it gets to her"

Take one guess who she will "eventually" take it out on.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

soccermike39 said:


> I hear you,, the first woman, after a couple of months,, I knew we wouldn't have anything and *I sort of used her to have a place of my own.*. I would have broke up with her earlier but it fell around the holidays.





soccermike39 said:


> LOL,,, yes you probably do but what if everything I am saying is true, about _*financially *_, being in love. What if God rewarded me for the past 12 years of hell with my ex.


I am sorry OP, this might come out a little rude... but I have to ask. Are you in love with her or her money? Would you think about marrying her so soon if she was making lesser money than you and did not have a house of her own? Is _"financial stability that this relation will bring for you and your daughters"_ not a key factor in moving so fast? Please answer this honestly. 

The reason I ask is because there is a lot of emphasis on the word "financially" in your posts that is difficult to ignore, and moreover you admitted to using your previous gf for her apartment/house. It might have been easier to understand if you would have used her as a rebound from your divorce. But you say you used her for her place which sounds somewhat selfish, shrewd and a little low on self-esteem. Maybe you don't realize, but are you sure you are not planning to marry the current gf for her house and $$$


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