# Analyze my marriage. Trust me, it's a weird case.



## onceler1 (May 15, 2015)

I've been married for 10 years. On the whole I would say we are pretty happy insofar as we have a high level of harmony/peace between us, very few fights. When there is any conflict, it's either her nagging me on small stuff around the house, or me bringing up a bigger issue. When I bring up a bigger issue, it is typically very difficult to get her to discuss it with me in the manner in which I would imagine is a grown up way to do it. She usually just stares at me in frustration.

So here's the thing. I'm 35, she's 38. I assumed most of my life I'd wind up having kids. So did she. We discussed it early on, but neither of us were super gung ho about it. My orientation towards it was: "I assume all women will really want kids at some point. So when she does, I'll soldier up and be a dad."

However, as I've talked about it with her throughout the years she seems very afraid of the prospect. Both because both sides of our family have autistic children in extended family, and because her mom had some health issues/surgical issues once she had had a child. Plus her family life was rather rocky compared to mine. My life growing up was the picture of familial perfection, so I have a very positive view of marriage. But I was the youngest of 3 children; both my sisters are more than 10 years older than me so I was very isolated and alone much of my childhood once my sisters were off to college. Into my adulthood, I continue to resent distractions from the things I like to do in my solitary time. Which makes me think maybe kids are NOT a good idea for me.

And here's another thing. She doesn't drive, or work. She DOES keep our house immaculate and prepare all meals. Plus, she helps me with some hobbies that I really enjoy doing. So it's not like she's a deadbeat. And it's kind of nice that only one of us has a stupid day job to contend with, so that only one of us ever has much to complain about.

Sometimes the not driving thing gets hard because, for example, her mom had cancer and over the past month I've had to drive her everywhere because she has nobody else around to drive her not even her daughter, I have to drive. My workplace has even gotten frustrated with me.

I've discussed this MANY times with my wife but she is DEATHLY afraid of ever driving. Apparently when she was little she was in a wreck where the car caught on fire. And she did try to get a driver's license in her adolescence but ran into a fence or something and her sister and mother berated her cruelly for it apparently, so driving just isn't something she is willing to do. I continue to bring up how helpful it would be, but I also continue to stress that maybe we would be fine with just one driver and we would work around it. I work from home after all, and I should be able to continue to do so (software developer)

Now here's another wrinkle in my puzzle. So you may have gathered so far my wife is perhaps a bit immature relative to most modern women. She doesn't work, she doesn't drive and she doesn't want any children (yet).

Would most men run screaming from this situation? I hold my marriage vows to be very very important and ultimately, I see it as two human beings pledging to be with one another no matter what **** happens along the way. I didn't know she wouldn't want kids, and I didn't know she would be TOTALLY unwilling to ever learn to drive. So that would be the **** that happened. But we've been building a life together, and its a nice/peaceful life. I don't want to go through the pain of divorce JUST because people tell me I'd regret not having children. I know I WILL regret not having children, but is that worth the pain of blowing everything up? (especially since, raising a child is itself an EXTREMELY difficult challenge and a gamble, as they could die, be born with problems, or grow up to be a horrible person that makes you feel shame)

It is a daily struggle for me to work through all of this and I've never found mental closure or resolution on it. There are days where it subsides and I'm okay with my life of childless peace, especially since I'm a man, not a woman and my hobbies bring me ample internal joy.

Still these things bother me.

Man, it was rough finding a woman to begin with though. I'm staunchly conservative in my political views, yet every social circle I inhabit is an artsy one filled with liberal women who absolutely hate everything I stand for. I was CONVINCED I'd die alone before I met my wife. I am under NO ILLUSION that if I blew everything up for the sake of something I might regret, that I wouldn't have another HELL of a time trying to find another woman, who would not only be conservative but be willing to put up with the baggage of a divorced man, AND who would have as much in common with me as my wife. And we DO have a lot in common and have a lot of fun together.

So I mean, I THINk I've figured this out.

Maybe we'll adopt, or something.

Thanks for reading, or not. Just needed to get it out.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Well.... I think that you have learned assumptions can often be wrong. 

You assumed, despite her trauma and aversion, that she would drive. 

You assumed, that all women want children, when it fact, many do not. Women have gained greater freedom on how they will live their lives - are having children less and less - 20% of today's 45 year olds have never had children. 

These are things that probably should have been discussed at greater length before marriage, but that is water under the bridge now. 

So what to do now. Are you happy? Do you foresee yourself continuing to be happy - while you earn all of the money, shoulder most of the responsibility, drive her around, and never have kids?

Is SHE happy? Staying at home, cooking and cleaning, without many other outlets sounds like a terribly boring like to me, but perhaps this is exactly what she wants. 

Sounds like you two need to sit down and have some serious discussions. Where you want your life to be in 5, 10, 20 years.


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## onceler1 (May 15, 2015)

I shouldnthave said:


> Well.... I think that you have learned assumptions can often be wrong.
> 
> You assumed, despite her trauma and aversion, that she would drive.
> 
> ...


I'm as happy as I can be I think. I am basically continuing my habit of mainly enjoying solitary hobbies, and doing work because somebody has to put food on the table. My hobbies are things which are very unlikely to be turned into a job as they are highly obscure artsy things that few people care about. But they bring me internal joy. My wife is very similar to me, she has her own set of hobbies which she engages in when she's not helping with various duties around the house. She also loves her cats (as do I). She never seems to express any desire for anything more.

As for whether I want more, I don't believe that I do. I spent the last 10 years testing the waters of whether I would want to invest a tremendous amount of ambition in game development (which my wife helps me with! Which is very fun to do together I might add). I actually wound up getting a game on Steam, but I ultimately decided taking it far enough to try to make a living was not the sort of life I want to live. I want comfort above all, like Hobbits do. So I do a boring day job to earn us a nice living. I continuously endeavor to make the act of doing my hobbies more desirable than the outcomes of those hobbies. I.e. I care more that I feel joy while doing them than whether other people care about the end results.

So I've probably figured it out. I mean if I wanted to I suppose I could recast everything and declare I am not living a full enough life and blow everything up, but damn, that would take a lot. That would take so much energy and so much pain I am really wondering if it would be worth it. It's kind of amazing to me so many people DO take the path of divorce, like......how often do things ACTUALLY turn out better after that??? I suppose I'm inclined to just take the old school approach of just dealing with my anxiety privately and place my vows and my commitment to this one person above all else, "for better or worse." That's what I signed up for isn't it? It's not like I have anything actually BAD. Many many others have much more difficult things going on, abuse and what not...


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

onceler1 said:


> she seems very afraid of the (children) prospect.
> I continue to resent distractions from the things I like to do in my solitary time. Which makes me think maybe kids are NOT a good idea for me.


This seems like a marriage made in heaven, so far. She doesn't want kids (and, at 38, she is getting toward the "high risk" arena) ....and, I want to clue you in about something.
I COULDN'T WAIT until my kids grew up and left.... I was like you, I liked solitary time, and productive activity. Kids render the amount of that you're going to have at approaching zero for two decades. I agree with you, kids are probably not a good idea for EITHER of you.



onceler1 said:


> She DOES keep our house immaculate and prepare all meals. Plus, she helps me with some hobbies that I really enjoy doing.


Again, seems good.... a lot of guys would really love to have a quiescent wife like yours.



onceler1 said:


> Sometimes the not driving thing gets hard
> maybe we would be fine with just one driver and we would work around it.


Her mother isn't going to be around forever. Keep your job, though, don't ruin a good thing with the work-from-home privilege. There may also be a way to gain some transportation for her other than you driving it all.



onceler1 said:


> It is a daily struggle for me to work through all of this and I've never found mental closure or resolution on it. There are days where it subsides and I'm okay with my life of childless peace, especially since I'm a man, not a woman and my hobbies bring me ample internal joy.


I don't know if what I'm going to say will help you, but I had kids. I regret that. I mean, not because they were bad children, but because I didn't recognize as a young man that kids were not really "high on my list".... I think if I had known then, what I know now, I would have chosen to be childless. I didn't throw them out, I tried to be a good dad, I loved them and cared for them, but I think I would make the choice differently if I had it to do over.

As to the "modern woman" and all that, fuhgedaboudit. If you're happy with your wife, that's all that matters.



onceler1 said:


> So I've probably figured it out.


Yep. I think you do. Best wishes.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Having a kid you may or may not want, who may or may not disappoint you, is worth you blowing up a marriage over? 

This woman is not perfect, but she should be the love of your life.

Kids eventually grow up and move out.

Love 'em, but you raise them and they go.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

First off, why doesn't your wife have a job? Even a part time job? Keeping the house clean and prepping all meals is definitely contributing though, but I'm just curious why she's not working outside of the home.

Secondly, I'm sorry to hear about her Mom's cancer. It however, isn't your responsibility to cart her around everywhere, especially since you're the only one in the house with a stable job. If your managers have gotten frustrated, that should be enough to tell you to change the way you guys handle this. Either she works to get over her fear of driving, or she takes a taxi or public transportation to the places she needs to go to. A pain in the butt, yes, but it's better than the alternative of you losing your job to cart her around.

I don't know if most men would run screaming from your situation, but I will tell you this: as a single woman looking for a man to share her life with, that man HAS to have the following: a job, a driver's license and a car to go with it, and a healthy attitude towards life. 

You say that you'll regret not having kids. Me too, so I understand where you're coming from. You need to sit down with your wife and discuss this. If your marriage to her is enough for you for the long term, then that's great, but if you will truly regret not having a family, then she needs to know that, and you need to get that in the open. There are always risks to having kids, but if you want them, then that's a risk you readily take on. There are also other ways of being a parent: adoption, fostering, surrogacy.

Have you considered some individual counselling on these matters?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

When I analyze something, I imagine how I'd feel in five or ten years with options. That is, if your wife died tomorrow and you remarried in three years would you want children or would it be up to new wife or maybe compromise. This is just essentially fantasy that helps one think outside the box.

Currently, you sound like you were considering WHAT OTHERS TOLD YOU ABOUT HAVING CHILDREN. But you may be content with childlessness--enjoying your current hobbies, interactions, freedom. Children require selflessness for 20 or so years--along with financial sacrifice. For some it's a great investment--for others it is not. Do you interact with nieces and nephews, neighbor kids, sports friends (you could coach another's kids), etc.? At one time or another, children will have serious issues of one kind or another. They will also need major transportation. Y'all need to consider your wife's age and make decisions soon one way or another.

Because you seem to be ambivalent, I don't detect the warm, nurturing vibe that aids parenting, but this may be sublimated because of your situation. Your wife could likely work on her driving fears in therapy.

Uber and Lyft are examples of types of transportation aids that we use regularly. The contentment you find in your marriage today is wonderful. One last thought, what would happen to your wife if something happened to you?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I find it's a mistake to make any decision based on what other people would think or do. The question is how do you think? If you are not happy you need to talk about it. That's the definition of a successful marriage. It's not do they have problems, it's do they talk about them and solve them.


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

Before deciding if you want children or not, consider what you will be giving up to have them. You seem to really enjoy your hobbies. Now imagine giving those hobbies up, or rarely having time to enjoy them. Imagine being interrupted repeatedly while you're just about to finish an important part of said hobby. Sound fun yet? Now, imagine that for the next 18+ years, you will rarely come first.

You want a romantic evening with the wife, or to work on your hobbies? Nope, you have to drive the kid to a school event, get them ready for bed, argue about homework or chores not being done, or whatever issue arises. You finally finish, and go back into the living room looking forward to snuggling up to your wife. She is passed out cold, and you realize that your romantic night has just become pointless. That's being a parent.

I have two kids, and love them both dearly. They're adults now, so I managed to survive the sleepless nights, sick kids, constant fight to get chores and homework done, hospital stays, countless romantic nights ruined, vacations cancelled, and the list goes on. Do I think they were worth it? Sure. I used to miss not having time to myself, or having fun hobbies that I enjoyed, because I was too busy raising children to put my own wants first. 

Both of my pregnancies were extremely high risk, but thankfully, both children survived. My son was born deaf, but with surgery, his hearing is as close to

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normal as they could be. My daughter was extremely anemic and spent time in NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care) I had some serious complications during both deliveries. It happens. My medical team knew what to do, and I left my fate in their capable hands. My point is, even though bad things can happen, they can also turn out just fine. I risked my life to have children, and have no regrets. 

Your wife doesn't sound like a horrid shrew. Her mother being sick has to be hard on her. Hopefully she can arrange alternative transportation. Do you have a friend you could pay to take her to see her mother, or other errands? Perhaps a stay at home mom that could use the money. Couldn't hurt to ask around.

If you really want kids, find a friend or family member and offer to babysit for free for a week or two. Or, wait, and offer to take the little bundle of joy for the entire summer. Volunteer at the local Boys and Girls club. See if spending time with children is as rewarding as you hope it will be.

You have a blessed life, based on your opening post. Sure, there may be a few things that might be missing. There are also a lot of negative things missing as well. Don't be too hasty, and think that you can do better. I love my kids, but I appreciate a loving partner who is kind and supportive, who makes me feel loved and desired. Kids move out, your wife is meant to be around "happily ever after" 

On a final note, adoption is always an option. There is no greater gift that you can give a child than a loving home. Plus, any genetic health concerns that cause your wife to pause, won't be such an issue. If you are able to find a surrogate mother, you might even get to experience the pregnancy, from first ultrasound, first kick, listening to the babies heartbeat, and 

Take Care. Make the choice that works best for you. Whatever that choice may be, but be ready to accept the consequences; good or bad.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Part of your issues can be solved by two things.....

1) Adoption of one child, a boy or a girl, make a joint decision. Adopt a baby, not a grown child.
2) Uber. Let them drive her around, now and then.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

onceler1 said:


> Man, it was rough finding a woman to begin with though. I'm staunchly conservative in my political views, yet every social circle I inhabit is an artsy one filled with liberal women who absolutely hate everything I stand for. I was CONVINCED I'd die alone before I met my wife. I am under NO ILLUSION that if I blew everything up for the sake of something I might regret, that I wouldn't have another HELL of a time trying to find another woman, who would not only be conservative but be willing to put up with the baggage of a divorced man, AND who would have as much in common with me as my wife. And we DO have a lot in common and have a lot of fun together.


*"MUST HAVE SOULMATE WIFE UNTIL I DIE OR I AM A TOTAL FAILURE IN LIFE!!"*

The mindset that has brought down so many men.


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## onceler1 (May 15, 2015)

dadstartingover said:


> *"MUST HAVE SOULMATE WIFE UNTIL I DIE OR I AM A TOTAL FAILURE IN LIFE!!"*
> 
> The mindset that has brought down so many men.


Except I've always been intensely socially isolated. I have no friends who live in close proximity, except one who I've known since 3rd grade. But he is so down and out and unhealthy he is often bedridden and unable to spend time with me. My wife is literally my entire world. I look back at my life and it is no wonder this occurred, but also miraculous that I even got married. I had 5 friends in elementary school, 1 in highschool and about 0 in college. Usually that goes in the opposite direction for most people.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You asked, so I'll tell you my opinion. I'm not a man, though.

For me, staying for the rest of my life with someone who wouldn't drive and wouldn't have a job would not work for me. Yes, I'd run screaming away. That's just me, though.

I'd find it too much to sign up to be *another adult's* caretaker!! for the rest of my life. Heck, she can't even do the grocery shopping while you are working to provide her everything in life. Because she doesn't drive.

What happens if YOU ever need a partner? What if you have surgery? Or some illness that requires treatments? She can't drive you to the hospital. She can't drive to the drug store to pick up meds. She can't pick up food. She.... can't. What if something happens financially and you need a partner to pick up the slack and provide for awhile? 

I know teenagers who are more self sufficient than your wife.

The no kids for me would be a right away deal breaker. But it's good she doesn't want them. She's not self sufficient enough to be a stay at home mom, sounds like.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

onceler1 said:


> I'm as happy as I can be I think.
> .
> .
> .
> It's kind of amazing to me so many people DO take the path of divorce, like......how often do things ACTUALLY turn out better after that??? I suppose I'm inclined to just take the old school approach of just dealing with my anxiety privately and place my vows and my commitment to this one person above all else, "for better or worse." That's what I signed up for isn't it? It's not like I have anything actually BAD. Many many others have much more difficult things going on, abuse and what not...


You know, I was digging your reasoning until I looked back at these two sections. 

This is where I have an issue with your thought process. 

Now, if your are "ACTAULLY HAPPY", and you can live without having kids, you "ACTUALLY" love each other and your sex life is great, and you are content, well hey, that is great. 

But your assumptions in this last section are kind of half hearted. To me you sound kind of lazy, and unambitious, which I fine if that I what makes you happy. 

Just understand that you only get one life, and only one. But honestly, I don't want to be as happy as I can be... I want to be ****ing happy as a lark, happy as a pig in ****, overall totally happy. 

For me, well I am, and I intend on staying that way... 

Just be sure you are...


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

I have to say, I don't think you are ready to have kids based upon some of your own thoughts around kids that you wrote in your original posting. At this point, in your mid-to-late thirties, children will certainly put a cramp in the life style that you are use to. Both you and your wife lead kind-of isolationist type lives...her not free to come and go as she pleases...you working at home and not being in a traditional work environment. Maybe your wife is wiser than you give her credit for. It certainly is NOT a valid reason to leave your wife in my opinion. By the way, I don't think adoption is the answer. You didn't allude to your wife being afraid of childbirth. Her issues are with raising children. Have you considered fostering as a first step?


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## onceler1 (May 15, 2015)

Ursula said:


> First off, why doesn't your wife have a job? Even a part time job? Keeping the house clean and prepping all meals is definitely contributing though, but I'm just curious why she's not working outside of the home.


When I got my first job out of college in 2007, my first employer actually also employed my wife for a couple of years. Then she was laid off because the funding for the project she was on fell thru. She has been doing very sparse odd jobs for people since. Enough to sustain hobbies of hers but nothing close to a supplementary income. She also makes art for my video games. Not in a full time capacity though. But whenever people ask what she does that's what she says. It's always uncomfortable when we're in public and people ask her that; because she and I both know that the answer is using an economy of truth in order to participate in smalltalk.

I had encouraged her off and on to build her own graphic design business but at the end of the day she totally lacks any and all ambition to pursue it. I am quite parallel to her in this regard in that I've had tremendous difficulty engaging in my own career in the same way as my peers. At 35, I routinely see peers 10 years my junior surpassing me in rank. So it's not just my wife who could grow in this regard. I'm currently doing what I can to try to expand my skillset so I can continue to provide for us long term. But lack of ambition does seem to be something we each share. So that's probably a good match, I'd say, it wouldn't do if one of us was super gung ho about career and the other wasn't. For me it's just a damn paycheck. My hobbies are what really count for me personally.



> Have you considered some individual counselling on these matters?


Sounds too expensive; that's why I'm on this website. I'm skeptical of counselors; as I'd be afraid that if I get the wrong one they would actually endeavor to drive a wedge in my mind between me and my wife and cause a divorce.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Given your wife's lack of job history and reliance on your income, make sure you have some decent life insurance. Whatever you choose to do is fine, but she is incurring massive risk if you are not in the picture. If you got run over by a bus, what would happen to her? A track record with at least a part-time job would give her options if disaster hits.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I think you are both suited. To be honest your lack of ambition and desire to have a relatively solitary life with wife, no social circle etc. Would exclude many women from wanting to be with you. I don’t know whether having kids in such an environment would be entirely healthy either. How would you or wife participate fully in parenting, school events, PTA, sports etc. I think it would be a huge challenge and so far outside your normal that it may create problems.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Man. If we were still in the stone age, neither you or your wife would had made it. You both would be death by now. Survival of the fittest.


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## onceler1 (May 15, 2015)

Rob_1 said:


> Man. If we were still in the stone age, neither you or your wife would had made it. You both would be death by now. Survival of the fittest.


You're a lovely person.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Part of your issues can be solved by two things.....
> 
> 1) Adoption of one child, a boy or a girl, make a joint decision. Adopt a baby, not a grown child.



You could adopt a 16 year-old, then there would be another person who can drive mom around...

I say that somewhat jokingly, but that would be an eventual advantage of having a child. 

Do you have pets at least? It may be just me, but I feel like a home with no pets and no children just seem devoid of life and energy, like a funeral parlor.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

about 1 hour ago*· #20

Re: Analyze my marriage. Trust me, it's a weird case.

Rob_1 said:

Original Post

Man. If we were still in the stone age, neither you or your wife would had made it. You both would be death by now. Survival of the fittest.

You're a lovely person.

Well maybe not lovely, but well grounded in reality.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

onceler1 said:


> Still these things bother me.
> 
> ...
> 
> ...


*
@onceler1 do you have any freaking idea how much driving will be added to your life if you have kids? Just plan on quitting your job and start driving nonstop until your kids turn 18! 

If your wife does not drive, DO NOT have kids!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm not trying to be mean, but does your wife have some kind of mental issue? I mean, for her to be content being home all day every day, not contributing any kind of living... and the flat out refusal to drive, these things just are not normal. And the two of you having only each other, and being in that house together day in and day out... its beyond odd. You don't need kids, you are already a parent to your wife. But as someone mentioned, you seem suited for each other, because you are making this work evidently. 

Is this really what you want for your life? I guess that is the big question here.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She is a homemaker, a loving wife.

But due to a severe childhood trauma. she can't drive.

Your marriage is in no way weird.

Your attitude to it? 








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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

onceler1 said:


> My wife is literally my entire world.


Man, you two put the 'fun' in dysFUNction.

I'm *so* loathe to give the same overused, cliche advice that everyone gives to just about every single poster whose ever started a thread here, but you and your wife actually DO need some serious therapy. 

Your wife is an emotional and social cripple who hides in the house 24 hours a day and happily depends on you to drive her everywhere, using some lame excuse about being 'bullied' for driving into a fence years ago. Big damned deal. And she also claims she can't drive due to a car wreck in her childhood (where she WASN'T even driving). So, she can't drive due to the trauma of the car wreck, yet she's perfectly fine being a *passenger* in a car.

Dos that REALLY make sense to you?

Her excuses are *lame* and you just play into her crap. She needs a daddy, not a husband. Ugh.

Since she's so _traumatized_ from being made fun of for driving into a fence (oh brother) and from a carwreck from when she was a kid and won't drive, what would happen if you broke your leg and couldn't drive? Would she call a taxi or an Uber and go food shopping all by herself, or would she cower in the house and wait for your leg to heal for the next 6 weeks until you can drive again, trying to make meals out of saltines and ketchup packets when your food supply dwindled down to nothing? She's apparently made you and that house her whole entire *existence* and from the sounds of it, has no social interaction at all outside your front door. And the fact is, she doesn't WANT it - that is just frighteningly sad.

But if I'm being honest, you don't sound to be in much better emotional or social shape than she is. You guys are the epitome of dysfunction and *severe* co-dependency. 

You seriously both need therapy.

About the last thing on this earth you two need is a child. Honestly.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You already have a child, to wit: 
- someone who is totally dependent on your support for finances and transportation.
- And who gives you the silent treatment when you complain. (This is the bigger red flag)

Of course you have chosen not to provide any specifics as to what you complain to her about. But it doesn’t matter since you have convinced yourself no one else will want to marry you. 

And fwiw - being divorced isn’t baggage. Children are baggage. 



onceler1 said:


> I've been married for 10 years. On the whole I would say we are pretty happy insofar as we have a high level of harmony/peace between us, very few fights. When there is any conflict, it's either her nagging me on small stuff around the house, or me bringing up a bigger issue. When I bring up a bigger issue, it is typically very difficult to get her to discuss it with me in the manner in which I would imagine is a grown up way to do it. She usually just stares at me in frustration.
> 
> So here's the thing. I'm 35, she's 38. I assumed most of my life I'd wind up having kids. So did she. We discussed it early on, but neither of us were super gung ho about it. My orientation towards it was: "I assume all women will really want kids at some point. So when she does, I'll soldier up and be a dad."
> 
> ...


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

There's nothing wrong in being lazy or not ambitious as long as what needs to be done gets done and the bills are paid.

Life isn't supposed to be a gulag. 

Now that I'm single I find a lot of things take longer because I enjoy playing Angry Birds for an hour or so... At night I am learning OpenCV. And I'm 59. Screw work ethic.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

Why don't you ask her about children? Maybe she thinks you don't want them. Maybe she thinks you like having a wife at home all day so she can cook and clean. Having an honest conversation about these things can't hurt.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

There are no prefect marriages or spouses. It sounds like you two have a relationship that is satisfactory for the both of you, at the moment. If there are things that you would like to change and you have really opened up and talked to your wife about these things and she does not want these changes, then you have to decide if they are deal breakers or not. What is not clear is if you have had that open honest conversion with your wife. If you have not, you really should. If you have, it sounds like you have come to the conclusion that it is not a deal breaker and are content enough with the way things are now.

That does not mean you, or she will stay content this way in the future. Work on your communication skills and keep talking. You both are responsible to make this marriage work by both of you striving to meet each other's needs and wants and you both have to communicate your own needs and wants clearly. Your marriage and relationship does not have to fit modern societies expectations of any one else's expectations. It simply has to fit both yours and hers. With love, communication and some give and take compromises, you two can make it successful, however you both choose to, in whatever way you both choose. I

Just be careful that both of you are making conscious choices based on both of your needs and wants. Sitting back and letting things just evolve or play out, without communicating to each other is a choice too, just not a wise one of you don't want to have a lot of regrets in the future.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

From what you state here, I don't think you should have kids. You like your free time and hobbies. She doesn't sound emotionally stable enough to have children. And at 38, she's probably not going to change much. And, there are genetic[?] medical issues on her side of the family. Not everyone should have children.

I agree that you should have life insurance, for obvious reasons.

Nothing's wrong with your wife or life if you are both happy; don't compare to others.

Being involved in severe traffic accidents does cause phobias around driving. I can think of two people off the top of my head; whom I have known, that did not drive because of being involved in terrible accidents.

As suggested upthread, she should know how to call a taxi/Uber, ride the bus etc. so she can get around independently if necessary.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

Based on what you have said about yourself and your wife, you have a perfect marriage, or close to it. You both have complementary social awkwardness. Few friends, expertise in computer gaming, solitary hobbies. You are probably on the spectrum at the Aspergers end. I know dozens of folks on the spectrum because my adopted son is autistic and mentally retarded. Intellectually “disabled” boys and girls, including Down syndrome, on the high end, have good useful and happy lives. Don’t assume that by adopting you will avoid mental illness. We adopted my son as an infant, he was diagnosed at 3 years old.

Do not screw this up by getting divorced for no reason. So you have a few problems. Sorry about your wife’s mom cancer, but if you are in the USA there are taxi cabs and Uber’s, your wife could call one of these, some insurance will pay towards transportation costs for medical reasons (meaning mom’s insurance). Why doesn’t wife’s sisters help with this? 

My grandmother did not learn to drive until age 60 because they had only one car. You could move to the city, walk to everything or take public transportation. You would both meet more people like you and find fellow travelers you did not know exist.

I know you could be a legitimate conservative and believe in limited government and free market economics, capitalism and so forth, but today’s “conservatives” are a nasty, name-calling, negative, snarling, fact-challenged bunch. My mom in her 90s watches Fox News all day and it is like a poison to her mood. The world is going to hell, and it is all the fault of illegal aliens, Hillary, and “liberals”. Finally I programmed her TV to default to the game show network, but eventually she gets it back on Fox again. Guess I am saying vote for who you want and realize that’s about all you can do about it. Politics today gives everyone heartburn, it is better to ignore 90% of political news. I am just thinking this may be contributing to your dissatisfaction with life.

In your career, others will get the promotions if you are a social loner, because people are uncomfortable with that. Try to learn to make small talk, and don’t tell everyone that they are idiots for not knowing what the company is doing wrong (even if you are right).

Guess I am off the subject, but for the love of God, don’t divorce your wife for the reasons you said. Think of her as your glass half or mostly full.


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## onceler1 (May 15, 2015)

Just wanted to chime in and say I really appreciate the wide array of perspectives and advice you have all shared. There are little bits of truth in all of them and it's all helpful to me. Thank you.


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## onceler1 (May 15, 2015)

Edmund said:


> Based on what you have said about yourself and your wife, you have a perfect marriage, or close to it. You both have complementary social awkwardness. Few friends, expertise in computer gaming, solitary hobbies. You are probably on the spectrum at the Aspergers end.


We each have long suspected we may be. If we are we're both high functioning. Though I sometimes wonder because, one trait of folks on the spectrum is the tendency to collect facts about things. I have never done this---though I do have an uncanny ability to collect aural information and can imitate voices, and also imitate music on the piano with extreme ease. Maybe that's my fact gathering superpower it's just not verbal. My wife is practically an encyclopedia of song lyrics, including lyrics to dozens of ad jingles from the 80's and 90's. It's rather impressive. She knew all dog breeds by age 4. Haha....



> Do not screw this up by getting divorced for no reason. So you have a few problems. Sorry about your wife’s mom cancer, but if you are in the USA there are taxi cabs and Uber’s, your wife could call one of these, some insurance will pay towards transportation costs for medical reasons (meaning mom’s insurance). Why doesn’t wife’s sisters help with this?


She has helped a little bit, and I think she will try to help again soon. She does have a kid though which complicates matters (my wife's sister). She lives about a half hour away and we live ONE MILE from my wife's mom, so that does kind of skew things in the direction of us helping her out. Thankfully I DO have a flexible schedule so there are technically ways to work around this problem and get things done on weekends when it gets really bad.



> I know you could be a legitimate conservative and believe in limited government and free market economics, capitalism and so forth, but today’s “conservatives” are a nasty, name-calling, negative, snarling, fact-challenged bunch. My mom in her 90s watches Fox News all day and it is like a poison to her mood. The world is going to hell, and it is all the fault of illegal aliens, Hillary, and “liberals”. Finally I programmed her TV to default to the game show network, but eventually she gets it back on Fox again. Guess I am saying vote for who you want and realize that’s about all you can do about it. Politics today gives everyone heartburn, it is better to ignore 90% of political news. I am just thinking this may be contributing to your dissatisfaction with life.


I appreciate your kind response to my thread despite being on the opposite side of the political spectrum; you are a good person.



> In your career, others will get the promotions if you are a social loner, because people are uncomfortable with that. Try to learn to make small talk, and don’t tell everyone that they are idiots for not knowing what the company is doing wrong (even if you are right).


Folks really like working with me as I have a very cordial demeanor and am very encouraging and appreciative of my coworkers. But as for promotions, I'm not really sure what to do there to be honest. Smalltalk has always totally escaped me. "How was your weekend?" me: "Like every other weekend, I play classical music on the keyboard and make games."



> Guess I am off the subject, but for the love of God, don’t divorce your wife for the reasons you said. Think of her as your glass half or mostly full.


Not planning on it. Heck I don't know what I'd do with myself after. I don't have any social network to speak of. I'd probably wind up moving back in with my elderly parents.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

onceler1 said:


> When I got my first job out of college in 2007, my first employer actually also employed my wife for a couple of years. Then she was laid off because the funding for the project she was on fell thru. She has been doing very sparse odd jobs for people since. Enough to sustain hobbies of hers but nothing close to a supplementary income. She also makes art for my video games. Not in a full time capacity though. But whenever people ask what she does that's what she says. It's always uncomfortable when we're in public and people ask her that; because she and I both know that the answer is using an economy of truth in order to participate in smalltalk.
> 
> I had encouraged her off and on to build her own graphic design business but at the end of the day she totally lacks any and all ambition to pursue it. I am quite parallel to her in this regard in that I've had tremendous difficulty engaging in my own career in the same way as my peers. At 35, I routinely see peers 10 years my junior surpassing me in rank. So it's not just my wife who could grow in this regard. I'm currently doing what I can to try to expand my skillset so I can continue to provide for us long term. But lack of ambition does seem to be something we each share. So that's probably a good match, I'd say, it wouldn't do if one of us was super gung ho about career and the other wasn't. For me it's just a damn paycheck. My hobbies are what really count for me personally.
> 
> Sounds too expensive; that's why I'm on this website. I'm skeptical of counselors; as I'd be afraid that if I get the wrong one they would actually endeavor to drive a wedge in my mind between me and my wife and cause a divorce.


That's good that she at least has hobbies, and the ability to use a skill set should the need/want call for it. Lack of ambition is something that A LOT of people have. I also would much rather not work, and I lack ambition and drive in my current career field. I would much rather be doing something that I want to do instead of something that I have to do. However, at some point, we must all learn to "adult", and with that comes a job. Personally, I could never be married or even date someone who just doesn't want to work. You're also not alone in the way that you see your juniors surpassing you; this is also common in my career field

Speaking of my current career field, it's graphic design. I've been a designer since graduating college in 1998, and it's a hard field not only to find a full-time job in, but to freelance in as well. I tried to start my own company in 2001-ish and was unable to find enough clients to sustain a business. If this is what she likes to do though, there are a bunch of websites out there who work with freelancers to bid on projects.

https://www.upwork.com
https://www.freelancer.com
https://www.fiverr.com
https://www.behance.net/

I still say that individual counselling is the way to go. If you work full-time, you should have some coverage. Finding a good one is a chance you take. Get on Google, read reviews, call or email to ask any questions.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

@aine, was this post intended for a different thread?


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Your marriage sounds like heaven to me.

May you continue to be blessed by our Creator.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> @aine, was this post intended for a different thread?


I think so, maybe a brain fog moment for me? Yes, it was meant on another thread but for the life of me I cannot recall.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

OP:
You have it made. 
Take it from someone who has been through the gambit. 
Seeing the changes in the last 50years and what's coming I would be very averse to bringing a child into this world.
It's hard enough as it is.


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## Dusk (Oct 29, 2018)

I think it sounds fine, if you’re both happy. I have several friends who don’t drive and it’s really not much of an issue if you don’t have kids. It’s limiting, sure, but it’s manageable.

I don’t think you and your wife are at all equiped for kids though. They are hugely draining and take massive commitment from both parents. I don’t think your wife is really going to be able to do that. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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