# No affection



## Cold (May 30, 2021)

Hi, I am new to forum. My wife of 28 years was never interested in sex or any intimacy. No sex, no cuddling, kissing or anything like that. Otherwise she is good wife an mother, but I really feel bad about myself. I think I am trying to be good husband, helping with everything in the house, trying to comfort her, do the little things...but nothing works...I am now 56 years old, and really have low self esteem, even i dont look bad and i think am not stupid. I tried to talk to her so many times and doesnt work at all. I dont want to divorce, but i really need somebody with same experience to talk about that.


----------



## FinalChords (May 30, 2021)

Cold said:


> Hi, I am new to forum. My wife of 28 years was never interested in sex or any intimacy. No sex, no cuddling, kissing or anything like that. Otherwise she is good wife an mother, but I really feel bad about myself. I think I am trying to be good husband, helping with everything in the house, trying to comfort her, do the little things...but nothing works...I am now 56 years old, and really have low self esteem, even i dont look bad and i think am not stupid. I tried to talk to her so many times and doesnt work at all. I dont want to divorce, but i really need somebody with same experience to talk about that.


So sorry to hear that Cold. I'm at the end of a 20 year marriage and a few years older than you. My wife always had a difficult time with sex. It was something to go along with maybe bargain or reward with, but never something she really desired. Cuddling was also an effort for her. So many nights laying in bed wanting to just touch her. How I wished that I would wake up in the morning feeling her put her arms around me. Although I realize that this is not as extreme as what you describe, I think I feel the same demoralization. All these years of training myself that intimacy was bad have taken their toll on me. I had great sexual and cuddling relationships with other women before I got married, and I have to look back to those days and realize that I have the capacity for reciprocated intimacy. You are in a tough place my friend and I empathize with you.
A couple of things to think about. Your wife may have experienced abuse in her life that makes the intimacy difficult. My wife recently opened up to me in that way. Counseling might help??
There were some medications that my wife took that at times lowered her interest. There were also some hormones that had side effects that seemed to move things in a positive direction.
Can you talk about intimacy with her? My marriage is coming to a close mostly because we didn't talk openly enough about our problems and our feelings. And, when I say open, I mean, I've-got-nothing-to-lose, kind of discussions. Not blaming, or fighting, just laying it all on the line, so that for possibly the first time in your marriage, you both know what the other is thinking. After we decided to separate, my wife and I were really honest about what we wanted and how we felt. We apologized for the hurt we each had caused, and my wife, who instigated the separation said she suddenly had hope for the relationship. This is really confusing for me, but the point is that you are in a bad place and you may be able to talk your way out of it--one way or the other. 
Good luck.


----------



## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

First, I'm sorry you're hurting. 

I do have to ask why after 28 years, why now? Was she this way before you got married? What does she say when you try to talk about it? What does she do if you try to kiss or hug her? 

Don't just keep doing more stuff for her. That will make her lose respect and attraction even more - not fair, but true. You have to tell her straight that you don't intend to spend the rest of your life like this. Tell her how it hurts you, hurts your self-esteem - it will destroy you and the marriage eventually.


----------



## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Like Final Chords, as I was reading your initial post my thoughts went straight away to sexual abuse in her early years. I am far from being a doctor or professional in this respect but she may benefit from professional help. The trouble is she may wish to leave it buried and live with the consequences.


----------

