# What to do?



## blondy12003 (May 30, 2012)

Background-My husband and I haven't gotten along well for months. He has controlling tendencies (he doesn't think so but they are definitley there). Everything is fine and dandy so long as what I'm doing in life is what he wants and thinks I should and once I go off that path he's just *****y with me. He's frustrated that there isn't a physical relationship but I can't bring myself to trust him emotionally right now and that is a deal killer on the sex side for me. We have been together since I was 16(he's 7 years older)-10 years, I have grown up over those 10 years. I decided to go back to school a few years ago and get my bachelors degree in Construction Management. I'm now getting into the heavier part of my course work as well as FINALLY into a position with the company I work for that has the potential to be the job I have always wanted. In order to finish my degree before hell freezes over (it seriously feels like I've been in school forever-a total of 6 or 7 of the last 11) I take 14-19 credit hours a semester as well as work 20-35 hours a week. It obviously doesn't leave me much free time if any at all but I try and the sacrifice will make our lives better in the long run.

Here's my big issue. We have talked about what needs to happen to make it work, I need him to get help for his PTSD issues and change his everything in life is negative attitude and he wants sex. I want some proof he is actually going to follow through with those things before I trust him again because he has said he is going to do things in the past and never does them. In the last five months he has accused me of cheating, lying to him about things I told him and he didn't remember, told me I don't care about him because I don't FORCE him to talk about his issues (my stance is if he wants to talk he can but I freaking refuse to beat it out of him!), he's said a lot of nasty hurtful things out of sexual frustration. I get attitude if I want to hang out with my friends-which he denies but is there regardless of what his words say, if I have to work from home at night I get attitude over that as well. He never asks to go do this or that just thinks I should "hang out". 

Part of me is screaming just get out now and part is saying stay. I do love him, however, I do not trust him emotionally right now and he doesn't get that or understand why. I did finally stop doing all of the cleaning and his laundry and only cook some of the time now instead of every night figuring he could pick up some of the slack around the house on top of his 40 hr/wk job seeing as how my weeks while in school are equivelent to an 80 hr/wk between school, homework, and work (not working is not an option financially unfortunatley). At one point he told me I need to learn to balance it all better-I wanted to punch him because I am honestly working my ass off to finish my degree with good grades (in the last 3 years I have hit the Deans list every semester!) and get my foot in the door of an extremely male dominated industry-I get to work harder and longer to prove I'm not just another dumb girl or that I'm not "sucking my way to the top" for lack of better phrase. 

How do I get him to understand that his attitude is going to make or break our marriage at this point? I can't live with the constant negativity anymore it's just dragging me down. I need him to understand that crazy busy is how my schedule is going to be in order to accomplish my goals I've set for life. Has anyone ever had to deal with this before because my brain is in one hell of a tug-of-war with itself over this entire mess.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

blondy12003 said:


> Here's my big issue. We have talked about what needs to happen to make it work, I need him to get help for his PTSD issues and change his everything in life is negative attitude and he wants sex.


 You do not like him and because of this you do not give him sex. When not in school, studying, or working your part time job, you hang out with your friends and not him. You have spent most of your marraige in school and are talking about divorcing him when you get your degree and a good job. And you wonder why he has a "negative attitude" about his life?

Wow, you could care less about him because it is all about you. I feel sorry for your husband and wish that he was the one posting.


----------



## blondy12003 (May 30, 2012)

TRy said:


> You do not like him and because of this you do not give him sex. When not in school, studying, or working your part time job, you hang out with your friends and not him. You have spent most of your marraige in school and are talking about divorcing him when you get your degree and a good job. And you wonder why he has a "negative attitude" about his life?
> 
> Wow, you could care less about him because it is all about you. I feel sorry for your husband and wish that he was the one posting.


Actually I don't hang out with my friends because of how he is about it, I don't even remember the last time I did. When I'm not in school I work full time. I won't finish my degree for 2 years, if I divorce him it will be before that. He doesn't get because he can't find a way to not be an ass about everything. And for once I am actually thinking about me because I have always put what everyone else wants first and the only thing it has gotten me is screwed over and used and its time to think about what I want out of life. Hope that clears up your assumptions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

It does not sound like there is much love in your relationship. It sounds like there is a lot of pain and resentment that is bring you down. If you stopped cleaning and cooking to teach him a lesson it seems like that hurts you more than him cause well we're guy's. And going into the field your going into at the position your looking for you got to be extremely strong and cut throat cause every time you turn your back they're gonna be staring at your ass or talking about it. So to have some fool at home putting you down will do nothing to boost your moral.

And you sound like a strong woman so I think you'll do fine in your new career


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

If you are not willing to work on your sexual relationship, I don't hold out much hope for any of the other dynamics improving.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> In the last five months he has accused me of cheating, lying to him about things I told him and he didn't remember, told me I don't care about him because I don't FORCE him to talk about his issues, he's said a lot of nasty hurtful things out of sexual frustration.


So basically YOUR HUSBAND thinks you're a lying adulteress who won't take responsibility for HIS feelings/problems.

Um, I'm not sure there's ANYTHING MORE to say after that!?!


----------



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I think you said in there that you love him. That is something to build on. If this is true you need to change as much as him.

You need MC. Find one that you can both agree to. Interview till you find the right match.

It is clear that you have alot of resentment, which is not necessarily his fault that you have it, only you can deal with it. You need to forgive if you want to save your marriage. Resentment is very damaging to the emotional attachment.

Just so you know from a guys POV, Sex as you call it, some would call it itimacy is the key way men connect with women. If you pull away sexually it can lead to suspicions of cheating and certainly detachments in your relatinship.


----------



## blondy12003 (May 30, 2012)

lost soul said:


> It does not sound like there is much love in your relationship. It sounds like there is a lot of pain and resentment that is bring you down. If you stopped cleaning and cooking to teach him a lesson it seems like that hurts you more than him cause well we're guy's. And going into the field your going into at the position your looking for you got to be extremely strong and cut throat cause every time you turn your back they're gonna be staring at your ass or talking about it. So to have some fool at home putting you down will do nothing to boost your moral.
> 
> And you sound like a strong woman so I think you'll do fine in your new career


I didn't stop cooking and stuff to punish him I did it because he lives here also so he can pitch in around the house and help instead of it all being my responsibility because I'm the wife. You're right about having to be tough to make it in my career field, it's double the work and time to prove that I know what I'm doing and not looking for an easy ride.


----------



## blondy12003 (May 30, 2012)

lamaga said:


> If you are not willing to work on your sexual relationship, I don't hold out much hope for any of the other dynamics improving.


If he isn't willing to work on the emotional side of things I don't feel like I should have to work on the sexual side. I get that to men sex means a lot but it's hard to be attracted to let alone have sex with someone who literally has a negative attitude about everything in life that just keeps getting worse. I won't trade sex for emotional support.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You are shooting yourself and your marriage in the foot.

You are so busy with your job and school that you and your husband are not spending time to reinforce your relationship, in short you are neglecting each other.

You have set up a no win situation. You won't have sex with him because of his moods and the lack of emotional connection, yet you aren't around enough him with energy and passion to build the emotional connection. You are also undermining your goal of having a happier emotionally connected husband by cutting him off from sex. Sex is one of the key elements men need to build the emotional bond and be safe, loved. And happy.

Wonder why women feel the drive to put out during courtship? It's nature helping them build an emotional bond to thrm in their man.

So you cut him off from a key part of him feeling positive and emotional connected, and then you made it worse by cutting out quality couple time.

No wonder you guys aren't feeling it.

The sad thing is you have they key to fixing this, and it's a key you would be having to use in a new relationship if you D. So why not save the grief of D ,and use the key now with him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You are shooting yourself and your marriage in the foot.
> 
> You are so busy with your job and school that you and your husband are not spending time to reinforce your relationship, in short you are neglecting each other.
> 
> ...


All of this ^^^^^^^


----------



## blondy12003 (May 30, 2012)

Well if men need sex to not act like complete *******s allow me to jump right on the bandwagon of giving him his every want while he treats me like complete **** because he doesn't like how I feel and I'm not doing things his way. Physical may come before emotional for men but it's opposite for me and if someone is going to treat me like he has been they aren't going to get a physical relationship out of it as a reward.


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Blondy, why do you say he has PTSD? Did a psychologist diagnose him as such? What symptoms of it have you actually seen? I ask because PTSD sometimes is easy to mistake for other disorders.


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

So, you won't work on your sexual relationship because he isn't what you need emotionally, and he won't work on the emotional relationship because you're not what he needs sexually.

It's a vicious cycle, and if you think it actually works, please allow me to refer you to the last several millenia of human history.

If you want your marriage to fail, you are on exactly the right path.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

blondy12003 said:


> How do I get him to understand that his attitude is going to make or break our marriage at this point? I can't live with the constant negativity anymore it's just dragging me down. I need him to understand that crazy busy is how my schedule is going to be in order to accomplish my goals I've set for life. Has anyone ever had to deal with this before because my brain is in one hell of a tug-of-war with itself over this entire mess.


I don't think he is ever going to understand what you're saying because it's just not realistic. I've never seen a marriage in which one partner's attitude made or broke the marriage unless that person was married to themselves. Seriously, you get to say how he should feel and how he should act while you do what you want. If that's not unfair and controlling then I don't know what is. I'm not really sure you can accomplish your personal goals within the framework of a commitment to any marriage partner. Maybe you would both be better off if you took yourself and your goals somewhere on your own and we can hope the guy you leave will find someone that cares about him


----------



## blondy12003 (May 30, 2012)

Uptown said:


> Blondy, why do you say he has PTSD? Did a psychologist diagnose him as such? What symptoms of it have you actually seen? I ask because PTSD sometimes is easy to mistake for other disorders.


He spent a year in Iraq. He knows its there but doesn't want to get help for it when though it has major effects on his and our life. I understand that its a lot of nasty stuff to deal with bit burying it and taking out the anger and frustration it causes on others isn't helping.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## blondy12003 (May 30, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> I don't think he is ever going to understand what you're saying because it's just not realistic. I've never seen a marriage in which one partner's attitude made or broke the marriage unless that person was married to themselves. Seriously, you get to say how he should feel and how he should act while you do what you want. If that's not unfair and controlling then I don't know what is. I'm not really sure you can accomplish your personal goals within the framework of a commitment to any marriage partner. Maybe you would both be better off if you took yourself and your goals somewhere on your own and we can hope the guy you leave will find someone that cares about him


If he isn't going to even attempt to be nice why should I? I'm not telling him how to feel I'm telling him he needs to have a better attitude on life in general because constant negativity out of anyone is draining to say the least and be supportive like he keeps saying he's going to. I've supported him through everything he has done and gone through and now the tables are turned and he won't return it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## blondy12003 (May 30, 2012)

lamaga said:


> So, you won't work on your sexual relationship because he isn't what you need emotionally, and he won't work on the emotional relationship because you're not what he needs sexually.
> 
> It's a vicious cycle, and if you think it actually works, please allow me to refer you to the last several millenia of human history.
> 
> If you want your marriage to fail, you are on exactly the right path.


I can't bring myself to have sex with someone who throws nasty hurtful comments around all the time and then expects me to forget he said any of it and act like nothing happened. If he would show a little bit of try on the emotional side and not act like a flaming jerk the second we both get home I would work on the physical stuff. But until there is at least an attempt shown on his part he gets what he gives.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

blondy12003 said:


> If he isn't going to even attempt to be nice why should I?


Then call a divorce lawyer today. You two can keep this cold war going on forever, or one of you could take the first step in saving the marriage. Be nice to him and bang his brains out for a few months...even if he's not being nice. If things get better, or don't, make your decision to walk or not at that point.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

blondy12003 said:


> He spent a year in Iraq. He knows its there but doesn't want to get help for it when though it has major effects on his and our life. I understand that its a lot of nasty stuff to deal with bit burying it and taking out the anger and frustration it causes on others isn't helping.


My husband was deployed to Iraq for a year back in 2003. What came home to me? Someone like your husband. Let people say what they want, everybody has a right to their opinions.

But I lived with the PTSD for six years after he returned. He got some help from the V.A., then quit going. He figured he could fix things himself.

I just gave you the condensed, Reader's Digest version.

End of story. End of marriage.


----------



## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

blondy12003 said:


> I'm telling him he needs to have a better attitude on life in general because constant negativity out of anyone is draining to say the least and be supportive like he keeps saying he's going to. _Posted via Mobile Device_


You would be amazed at how positive ones outlook in life is and how supportive they can be when they have a healthy, fullfilling sexual relationship with their wife. Probably would do wonders for his PTSD as well. Your attitude makes him feel unloved. That hangs around his neck like an anchor and keeps him down. 

If you want this to work, sit him down and explain that you understand that withholding sex from him is probably a contributing factor to his attitude (even if you don't think it is) and tell him that you will do your part to rectify that. Then take him to the bedroom and do your thing. Be available to him for the next month and then if nothing changes, it never will and you can leave knowing you did all you could.

I can almost guarentee you that after one month your household will be a place of marital bliss and if it isn't, then your husband is indeed tha a$$ you make him out to be and no one will fault you for moving on.

You have got to get out of the "I'm not rewarding him for bad behavior" attitude. That stance is not all bad but we're talking about a marital dynamic here that needs to be broken and he quite frankly might not know how. His attitude will change all on its own, with no cognitive help from himself if you just try this.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

blondy12003 said:


> If he isn't going to even attempt to be nice why should I?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Except for the fact that you are married, the really is no reason to do anything on your part so don't let that get in your way


----------

