# Hoping to give it a last shot, confused



## Dreaming2018

Hello. I am new here this is my first post. Here is my story...

My husband and I have been married since 2009. I am 30 and he is 47. We have a 5 (almost 6 year old together) and a 14 year old (his from previous marriage) together. We have struggled through the past few years of our marriage. I tried to get him to interested in counseling to fix it. He would not. He didn't take my feelings serious or issues that bothered me (he has admitted to both). I've been depressed probably the past two years and wasn't aware of what was going on. I started to shut down and not try for my marriage. Over the summer of 2017 I started taking Chantix to stop smoking and zoloft for depression. I became a heavy drinker and I stopped wanting to do anything outside. 

My husband and I started playing an online game. It was fun to have something to do together. There was a man who was playing that my husband suggested I catfish in order to get stuff for the game. I was reluctant at first because I've never been a mean spirited person or out to hurt anyone ever. My husband would talk to him and pretend to be me at first. I was not interested in participating. One day I was online and said man messaged me and I just began to talk to him. At first it was nothing, harmless, innocent. But then it was nice to be appreciated as a person, have someone interested in my day and feelings. Someone excited to get to know me. I put all my time into this game when I was able to. I had shut down from life and was living in a fantasy life. All the while taking both prescriptions and drinking. The more we spoke, the more it grew into a full on affair, the more I was angry at my husband for not being this way with me. This went on for a few months. One night I stayed up late, passed out on the couch talking to this man. My husband said he woke up and I was not in the bed and was like enough is enough. He confronted the man, let him know I was married and how it started. My husband and I talked, he was hurt I was having an online affair. I agreed to end it and work on our marriage. 

Two weeks went by and we hadn't even started working on our marriage. I was more depressed. i assumed my husband didn't care about our marriage, he wasn't doing anything to help me fix it. I was tired of trying to fix something he didn't want to fix. I contacted the man from online. We spoke about everything, and despite everything he met with kindness and compassion. He still wanted to give it a shot. We started talking again (keep in mind I mostly drank or was hungover and crazy from pills during the day when I spoke with this man), and it lead to where it was before. He encouraged me to tell my husband I was leaving him and come to Italy to be with him. I felt a false sense of happiness with this man, so I agreed.

I tell my husband. He is crying, begging, pleading, wanting to go to counseling and fix the marriage. Same thing I've heard so many times through our marriage, but there was never any follow through. I declined his request. I asked to sleep in our guest bedroom so I could basically get away and get a break from my husband. He fought me on it. Didn't want it. it happened anyway. He asked me not to talk to this man while he was around. He made it a point to be up my ass every move I took in the house. I eventually just talked to the man anyway. I was going to leave in January so I wouldn't miss Christmas with our children. My husband made me leave before Christmas. 

We fought randomly before I left. I said hurtful things out of anger at my husband I didn't mean. 

The day I left, my husband said he would always hold out hope that I would want to work it out. Even after I got there he would help find a way to get me back so we could work on it. My husband purchased me xanax to take the day of travel.

I left.

I can't honestly tell you what was going through my head when I left, I was so doped up I cared about nothing, not even myself. I barely remember getting off the last plane and grabbing my luggage. I spoke with my husband at every stop along the way. He maintained the same thing he told me before I left.

3 days into being gone and 5 days of no chantix, no zoloft, no alchohol... I woke up and I realized what I was doing and what I had done. I sat in the bathroom all day... having panic attacks and throwing up. My husband and I texted all the time while I had been there I video chatted my children daily, sometimes multiple times a day.

I looked at the man I was there with and I knew I didn't love him. He was not my husband and the father of my children. He was not the man I had built a life with. It was a life altering mistake I wasn't sure if I could try and fix. I reached out to my husband. I explained it to him. He told me he loved me and wanted be back. So I start trying to get back to the states. My husband said he would not help me. I reached out to friends we had made in the area to see if I could stay with someone while I got another job and apartment near my husband and my children.

I was met with a lot of no's and questions about why I didn't buy my children Christmas and why I drained his 401k and a lot of other horrible **** that never happened. I asked my husband why people thought this. He said they probably took it out of context, but he had borrowed money from them for the divorce I asked for and he was scared it would cause trouble for him and our children. I let these people think it was true to make sure there was not trouble for them. 

So I couldn't go to my home state.

I reached out to my family to see if I could stay with someone while we work this out. I told my husband about it, because we are trying to reconcile and I was letting him know my whereabouts and travel plans because we do have children.

My sister messaged me and said she had been in contact with my husband. He had told her all of these horrible lies other people took out of context. That she should not help me.
My mother reached out to my husband to see if she could find out more about what was going on. She didn't know how to use messenger and international calling was limited. He told her the same things. That she should beat my ass and not help me.

I didn't tell my husband I knew he had spoken to them while I was there. I didn't want to cause more issues. Meanwhile he still loved me, still wanted to work our marriage out.
I was told to tell this man I needed to come home and take care of my mother to be sure he would let me leave. I did what I was told because I wanted to get out of there safely.
There was a couple of days my husband would threaten to tell this man I wanted to get back with him. I was terrified and stressed. Luckily he did not.

I came home. I told the man the truth. I was still in love with my husband and wanted to work it out. He told me he had figured, and I should have told him while I was there. I didn't contact him further nor did he contact me. My husband randomly messaged this man and talked bad about me to him, getting the man angry because my husband wanted to see if our child was safe and how mad he was. I got a message from the man threatening me. My husband said the man was trying to scare me and he would go away. I haven't heard anything else from this man ( i've blocked communications from him).

I was in Italy for about 3 weeks. I returned home on 01/10/2018. it was delayed due to winter weather there and in the united states. Otherwise I would have flown out on New years.

I've been talking to my husband via text and the phone here and there. Mainly when he is at work. Or he will join into conversation when I am on the phone or video chatting my children.

We have set dates 3 times for me return home and he backs out of them before they get there. He hasn't wanted to talk about the affair and one night we spoke about issues in our marriages. He picks fights and calls it off before the date to return home.

I'm suppose to just talk to him like nothing is wrong and we are happy. He doesn't want to talk about the marriage problems or the affair. I've told him several times the route we are taking is not a good route for me. I feel like we are avoiding everything and nothing is getting accomplished. He said for him its helping him get over things. I'm not allowed to take a break from talking to my husband just to think about things. 

The last time we set a date he wanted us to go 2 weeks and just get along, do a phone therapy session and he would leave on 02/16 and drive down to get me. The first week was smooth. Friday he messaged me and said he had a bad day in therapy and needed some time alone. I understood and gave him the option to be alone and work things out for the weekend. I didn't hear from him, my child, or anything about the two until Sunday. I knew something was wrong. 

Monday morning he hits me with he is not in love with me and doesn't want to work it out. Within the same hour he wanted to work it out, didn't, accepted it was over, wanted to work it out... We literally fought for two days straight. 

He said he was not ready to pick me up this soon (02/16). I asked him why he picked that date? I didn't ask him to pick that date I just agreed and was happy about it. He felt like I forced him to. I explained to him I did not force him to, and screenshot and sent the text messages to him. He said he just wasn't ready. 

We worked out our 4th plan to resolve issues for our marriage Tuesday night. 45-60 days and I can come home. I gave him control over the date, since I didn't want to put any pressure on him and he wouldn't feel forced. I asked in return to have my daughter for her spring break so I could spend time with her. 

It's only been two days. But, we only talk when he is at work mostly. Or when my daughter is awake. We haven't spoken of an issue or the affair ( even though he agreed to talk about these things). I know he is busy running the house and taking care of our child by himself. But he still makes no time to talk to me so we can work on resolving our issues. We don't speak at all when he has free time. I don't hear from him after she goes to bed. The weekend is coming and I'm hoping this weekend he will make some time for me. It will be the first weekend he doesn't not speak to me. 

I'm just wondering if he is even interested in reconciling at all. He says he is but he does nothing to show he is serious and willing to put in the work. Any advice?


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## Keke24

Wow @Dreaming2018, you've gotten yourself into a really messy situation. I can't imagine how bewildered you must have felt when you finally came to, that morning after waking up without the craziness of the drugs. I am so so sorry this has happened to you but I can't help appreciate that things could have gone so much worse. That Italian man could have turned out to be something crazy! And done some terrible things to you.

Some of the more experienced posters will come along soon to share advice. I think it is necessary to rule out the possibility that your husband may have started having an affair during your absence. 

Also, you say he's doing nothing to show he is serious, would he say the same about you? In your penultimate chapter, it comes across as you waiting for him to make a move/initiate discussion but considering the situation and the origin, OP you're the one responsible for the heavy lifting. Set a date/time with him to speak. Don't wait for him to start when that time comes around, you initiate and guide the discussion. Start doing some reading to understand how marriages survive affairs and what's required on your part. 

If your husband hasn't strayed and is simply reeling from what happened, fixing things is primarily your responsibility. Even if he expresses no interest in reconciling, you owe it to your husband to invest the time/energy in making a serious effort to convince him.


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## WorkingOnMe

He doesn’t trust you and that’s his right. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Openminded

He may or may not ultimately decide to take you back. In the meantime, he's enjoying his freedom from you and is in no hurry to make a decision. Even if he does take you back and then doesn't want to work on the problems in the marriage, that just puts you back where you started. Not a good place to be obviously.


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## Dreaming2018

I have been trying to start the conversations to start rebuilding and getting through it. He keeps saying he is not ready. 
I asked him if he was seeing anyone else and he claims he is not.


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## Keke24

Dreaming2018 said:


> I have been trying to start the conversations to start rebuilding and getting through it. He keeps saying he is not ready.
> *I asked him if he was seeing anyone else and he claims he is not.*


Ask him what will it take for him to be ready. What does he need beyond 'time' (which is likely going to be his response). Ask him how much time he needs, that he suggest a date/time.

If the time comes and he has an excuse then try couples counseling. Set a date/time and ask that he join you then when he can express himself in a "safe" environment.

In the mean time, perhaps consider writing everything you want to share with him. Betrayed spouses usually want a timeline/all details of the affair so write that out, where you are now, what you're willing to do to make sure this never happens again, what you're willing to do to show you're sorry, what you'd like your future together to look like. Write whatever it is you would say in conversation with him.

What is your plan should your husband decide he does not ever want to discuss this? 

To the bolded above, sorry but this is a no duh. The likelihood of a cheater responding yes, is probably zilch.


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## MJJEAN

When it comes to custody judges like to keep the status quo. You're separated. He has the kids. You aren't even in the same state. right? Frankly, the longer he can keep you from filing, the longer this arrangement is the status quo, the better chance he has at full custody, child support, etc. 

In other words, it's entirely possible he is keeping you in limbo to set himself up as primary custodian. He's the kind of guy who'd catfish someone for some random in-game loot. Pixels that have no bearing on reality. You think he wouldn't string along the woman who betrayed him in order to get full custody of the kids?

The smear campaign of lies he's told about you, getting people to refuse to help you, telling you you can come home..later...and then saying 45-60 days? My Spidey senses are tingling. If I were you, I'd talk to a lawyer about this. I really think he's running out the clock until he can say the current situation is status quo and be the winner who takes all.


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## Betrayedone

I'd leave your ass in the ditch.......You're a hot mess.........Let it go......


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## LTCNurse

MJJEAN said:


> When it comes to custody judges like to keep the status quo. You're separated. He has the kids. You aren't even in the same state. right? Frankly, the longer he can keep you from filing, the longer this arrangement is the status quo, the better chance he has at full custody, child support, etc.
> 
> In other words, it's entirely possible he is keeping you in limbo to set himself up as primary custodian. He's the kind of guy who'd catfish someone for some random in-game loot. Pixels that have no bearing on reality. You think he wouldn't string along the woman who betrayed him in order to get full custody of the kids?
> 
> The smear campaign of lies he's told about you, getting people to refuse to help you, telling you you can come home..later...and then saying 45-60 days? My Spidey senses are tingling. If I were you, I'd talk to a lawyer about this. I really think he's running out the clock until he can say the current situation is status quo and be the winner who takes all.


MJJean-right again! He will make it look like she abandoned the children and anything else he can do about not paying alimony also. OP, your marriage was already over and it most certainly is now.


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## Txquail

Id divorce you on the spot. You abandoned your family, slept with snother man, lied, broke you vows and devistated him.

We are only hearing your rosy side of this


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