# Healing from infidelity and mental health diagnosis



## Aletta (Aug 7, 2017)

My husband was diagnised with a bipolar mood disorder just over a month ago. He had an affair in spring (it ended this summer - so a short term thing) and the psychiatrist believes that his mania started before that, and that the affair then pushed him over the edge and he spiraled out of control. He crashed just over a month ago, which then led to a diagnosis. This was a full blown mania that lasted about 8 months, while before he suffered relatively mild episodes. At least he is now diagnosed and we know what we are dealing with. He is getting very good help and the meds are now starting to work. 

In a way this makes things easier for me in terms of healing from his infidelity. It makes it less personal and I understand that his behaviour was influenced by these other factors. But I still struggle at times, like when triggers hit. I have been on mood stabilisers for several months now and that makes a huge difference. 

There is a lot out there on healing from infidelity, but I have not found much on healing in the cotext of mental illness. Has anyone here dealt with something like this?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I am sorry you are going through this, just so i am clear, your husband is not saying that the only reason he had the affair was because of his disorder right? because not everyone who has Bipolar Disorder cheats...is he taking ownership of this affair? what is he doing to help you heal and what are you doing for yourself?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I’m sorry, and perhaps I’m being equally shallow here, but even if a spouse or a committed partner of mine, either overtly or covertly cheated on me, and the cheating itself was largely chalked up to “bipolar disorder,” that diagnosis, in and of in itself, would not even come remotely close to excusing that seditious, treasonable act of theirs against the marriage!*


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

If you really want to know, ask a psychologist. If you want to look on your own, try looking up Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and/or, Dialectic Behavioral Therapy. I am guessing that one of those would cover at least some of the issues you want to address. CBT can be done on your own. DBT requires some assistance from a counselor or psychologist who is well versed in it. No clue what you need or how you should progress. It's up to you. It's always good to consult a professional.


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## Aletta (Aug 7, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> I am sorry you are going through this, just so i am clear, your husband is not saying that the only reason he had the affair was because of his disorder right? because not everyone who has Bipolar Disorder cheats...is he taking ownership of this affair? what is he doing to help you heal and what are you doing for yourself?


He is not excusing himself at all. He knows he could have stopped it but didn't. He is doing eveything to help me heal and I see he is genuine. I wouldn't have stayed otherwise. But the mania made things worse, he was so clearly unstable back then and I tried to get him to see a psychiatrist a few months ago. He was in denial until recently. 

It is difficult for me to figure out exactly what was mania and what was not. I guess I will never know. I am still putting the puzzle together.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Are you in therapy on your own, not couples (although that is important) but working on yourself, especially your self esteem? I'm not sure how long you have been married, but it is not uncommon that one or both individuals stop seeing themselves as individuals and become appendages of the other, this probably may be the wake up call you need to reflect on who you are as a person...i say this because when someone you cherish and love disrespects not just the marriage but you, then you need to reflect on the possibility of a life with out them...this is not to say that he will cheat again, but it goes beyond that, your whole attitude towards him and your future together becomes one of uncertainly, and i hope it works out but if it doesn't you need to better understand what you want out of your life. I wish you luck


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

I had a wife with borderline personality disorder, plus some other issues, and although she never cheated, she could be astonishingly unreasonable, petulant and volatile. I know where you are coming from, because it is extremely difficult to know how much is 'them' and how much is 'the condition'. Because there's the person and there's the behaviour, and distinguishing when they need your help and when they should be held accountable is very difficult. My wife would occasionally acknowledge it too, she would sometimes say things such as "I don't like being this way". 

It always reminded me of a scene in the movie 'Knocked Up', where Seth Rogan starts yelling at his pregnant girlfriend's hormones, something like "I know it isn't you, Sally, it's your hormones, so I just want to say, eff you hormones, you're a psycho, hormones". 

Something else which I often lost sight of, is that you have to care about you, and how you feel about it. Do you want to stay with him and help him? Is it something you can see yourself doing? He may have a medical condition, but that doesn't mean you have to put up with a man who cheated on you.


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## Aletta (Aug 7, 2017)

Thank you for your replies. So much to think about.

I am in a difficult spot now, dealing with the effects of infidelity and the husband's diagnosis. The two are at the same time separate issues, but also connected. He is in a bad way, suffering terrible anxiety and guilt about what he did. He has been recoverning from the mania for the last month and a bit and already sees his actions in a different light. He is doing everything to help himself and prevent future episodes, and is helping me deal with my own hurt. There are no excuses from him, no rugsweeping. So in a way, things are as good as can be under the circumsatnces. But I still have an occasional trigger and reminder, which set me off. My own meds are helping me deal with that, as well as IC.

I am hoping for the best, although things are tough.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Father and sister both have bipolar. My advice is to get out and walk away.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Sometimes I feel like people like your husband are the most selfish people. I am not saying they are, cause i don’t know what it’s like to be them, but if you truly love someone, you should want the best for them. Clearly it’s hard enough being married to a person with a mental disability. Your entire existence now bends around what they are dealing with and how you can support them. Now, you have to deal with his affair and HE has to deal with it. You mentioned the guilt. Yeah, and it’s hard enough for someone who has no issues to deal with guilt.

Back to my original point, he should want you to go. He should realize that he is only going to make your life that much more difficult for the rest of forever. Maybe that is asking for too much, but he should make this easy on you if he truly loved you.


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