# Can you call it a marriage if there is no sex?



## Shayla35 (Feb 21, 2009)

I have a question - my husband and I have been together for 9 years. In that time we've only gotten in maybe two arguements. Sure, we bicker occassionally like any couple, but really have only had about two arguements in all those years. We've always gotten along perfectly and have been best friends...there isn't anything that we can't talk about... and he's one of the most kind, caring, thoughtful people that I know and we have so much in common...we love the same activities, have a great time hanging out with each, have the same views on politics, social issues, how to spend money, etc. 

The only reason we are considering ending our marriage is because in the last year or so we've gotten as though we don't like/feel comfortable having sex with each other anymore. Its almost like we've become too good of friends..like we're family, like we're a couple of siblings. We both enjoy sex, we just don't want to have it with each other.

I guess what is so hard is that we love and care about each other so very very much and we both know we'll never find someone that is as great, as fun, as kind and caring. But if we're not going to have sex, then that would essentially just make us roommates wouldn't it? And again, we do enjoy sex, we just don't have an interest in doing it with each other anymore.

We're both so torn and scared because I doubt there is anyone as great as him out there and I know he feels the same way.

I know...this just doesn't make sense does it??


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

yes it makes sense, and it's very common. And you're right, that it's not a marriage if there is no sex... this is what I believe, and what I've read, and learned through many hours of learning. And there are lots of therapists out there, to help you, if you can afford , or want help..

And it is so great, that you and he are that good of friends, so since you are, and often times, the friendship, and strong bond is what is lacking in a marriage while the sex is still there, (also a scenario that will ruin a marriage) then I'd say you have a Great chance at making a turn around... Go for it! Try your hardest, talk to each other, be open, try to find a way to reconnect on a sexual level...

What you have in terms of a friendship, is golden... and so many couples wish, that they could have that, but don't. You're both torn because you both realize how valuable your frienship, and the fact that you're best friends is, to a marriage being successful... and just like you can't have a healthy marraige without sex , you can't have a healthy marriage without the friendship either... so you've got half way there already... and you can probably get the sex part of the equation back. 

This is just my take on it. I'd say this one , this union between you two, is a keeper... don't give up just yet.  See what tools are out there to help you find that physical love again. Good luck.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

Have you looked into seeing a sex therapist?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Shayla35-

4 questions:
1) Are you saying the sexual repulsion is equal on both sides?
2) What are the repulsions from your point of view.
3) And from his side (if you know)?
4) Do either or both of you come from non touchy-feely homes?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> I wouldn't classify it as "not a marriage" when there is no sex. There are couples who, because of physical ailments or disabilities, can't have sex. You need to dig deeper here to determine the underlying issues, but I certainly don't think either of you are ready to write it off. Don't throw in the towel. Work to figure out the "why" and then begin working on the remedy. You've got too good a thing going to throw it away.


:iagree:

Sounds like this marriage has a lot going for it. I'd concentrate on the issues in the bedroom to see if it can improve. Have you been to counseling about this?


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

we are all are assuming, that these two Want to have sex in their lives, but just aren't comfortable having it with each other, and are both physically capable...


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Mommy22, since you have quoted me, I am wondering if you read my first post? Here is the bulk of it, see below. I'm not sure where you're getting that, and I haven't seen anyone that's posted on this subject, say they should give up totally. I was the First person to mention, how much the friendship means, and how golden it truly is. No one recommended divorce, least of all me. 


"And it is so great, that you and he are that good of friends, so since you are, and often times, the friendship, and strong bond is what is lacking in a marriage while the sex is still there, (also a scenario that will ruin a marriage) then I'd say you have a Great chance at making a turn around... Go for it! Try your hardest, talk to each other, be open, try to find a way to reconnect on a sexual level...

What you have in terms of a friendship, is golden... and so many couples wish, that they could have that, but don't. You're both torn because you both realize how valuable your frienship, and the fact that you're best friends is, to a marriage being successful... and just like you can't have a healthy marraige without sex , you can't have a healthy marriage without the friendship either... so you've got half way there already... and you can probably get the sex part of the equation back. 

This is just my take on it. I'd say this one , this union between you two, is a keeper... don't give up just yet.  See what tools are out there to help you find that physical love again. Good luck. "


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

Shayla35 said:


> We both enjoy sex, we just don't want to have it with each other.
> 
> I guess what is so hard is that we love and care about each other so very very much and we both know we'll never find someone that is as great, as fun, as kind and caring. But if we're not going to have sex, then that would essentially just make us roommates wouldn't it? And again, we do enjoy sex, we just don't have an interest in doing it with each other anymore.


Can I ask? do you still do stuff like undress in front of each other shower etc etc, as a man how do you regard him sexually? Do you still want sex? Even if he wasn't your husband the guy you're sharing a bed with is still the logical person to vent that sex drive on

I think problems like this are less complicated than people think. If you still want sex then rather than waiting for some mutual spark you ignite it. Provoke him a little do any one of the hundred and one things that turn guys on, see how he responds


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## Shayla35 (Feb 21, 2009)

We are both capable and want to have sex in our lives. And always had a great/passionate sex life with each other up until about a year ago. And we both enjoy sex...immensely. ...but when it comes to having sex with each other we kind of feel like a couple of buddies. Sort of like, if I were to think about having sex with my cousin...ugh - thats how I feel when i think about being with him. ...and he feels the same way with me. 

We had a discussion this evening about how it would make us feel to see the other one out on a date with someone else...would we be upset or jealous. Of course you never know for sure until your in the situation of seeing a significant other holding hands and on a date with someone ...but we both agreed that as much as we love and care about each other...the thought of seeing each other on a date with someone else ....geez, as odd as it sounds we don't think it would bother either one of us.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Shayla35-

If you could answer my questions above, especially question 4)...


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## Shayla35 (Feb 21, 2009)

4 questions:
1) Are you saying the sexual repulsion is equal on both sides?
2) What are the repulsions from your point of view.
3) And from his side (if you know)?
4) Do either or both of you come from non touchy-feely homes? 
__________________

1. Yes, we both kind of feel like we're having sex with a cousin or something.
2. It like I just think of him as a friend and not someone I'm sexually attracted to anymore. I have a friend named Mike that I've been good friends with for 10 years. Even though Mike is nice looking, I would never have sex with him because I just think of him as a good friend. Thats kind of like how I'm feeling about my husband these days and him me.
4. I guess I would say my family is touchy feely...his family a little, but not as much. My family is very blunt and upfront with each other and our feelings. His family is overly polite and tend to not confront things head on.


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## div2wice (Sep 18, 2008)

I agree that having a friendship with your mate can make your marriage even better...however feeling like you're siblings is a bit odd to me....
Something had to have happened to remove the sexual feelings between the two of you, have you both sat down to figure out what is going on?
I strongly recommend a sex therapist as well. While sex is important in a marriage, the lack of it does not warrant a divorce, in my opinion, especially if the rest of the marriage is wonderful. This issue can be handled and fixed, just seek help. Its worth trying?!?!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Shayla35-

I don't think you problems are sexual as such. I think they are due to not being able to stand so much closeness. How much time do you spend together per day/week?


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## Shayla35 (Feb 21, 2009)

We don't spend a ton of time together. I work about 60 hours per week and he works quite a bit too. We see each other for about an hour in mornings and about two hours in the evening...which in all honesty is mostly spent talking about our days, grabbing something to eat and trying to get ready for the next day. And we do have time together on the weekends in the mornings and evenings.

We both pretty independent people.

An old male friend of mine called me today and asked me to get together for drinks tonight (just the two of us). I asked my husband what he would think of me going out tonight with my friend...would it bother him. He said, 'honestly, no...it doesn't bother me at all.' then he said, 'what does that say about me...that I'm okay with my wife going out for drinks with another man alone.'

I just don't know anymore.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

This is a most interesting thread. I am still thinking...

How long since you last had sex with hubby, and when do next expect to do it?

How did the date go?


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## TIME (Mar 2, 2009)

Shayla, you are definitely in a tough spot! When you look at him do you think "husband" or "buddy"? Do you feel any kind of passion towards him? From what you said in your post, at one time you had a lot of sex, so I would try to look back and try to pin point when that changed and write down all of the things that were happening in both of your lives at that time that may have unknowingly affected this.

I kind of had a similar experience with my ex, the only difference is that everything he did irritated me too. I liked him a a friend but felt repulsed to think about being with him physically ever again. Not that he is a bad looking guy, quite the contrary, but for whatever reason, I had no desire left for him at all. I knew we couldn't have a relationship with things this way, and we got divorced. I am not one for dragging out the inevitable (unlike many people seem to do). 

If you can figure out what caused this feeling and find a way to get back those initial feelings, sounds like you have a great relationship otherwise. I am curious how you felt during and after your date and how interested your hubby was in it too?


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i personally cant live in a sexless marriage and if its like your living with a lodger. then move on. 
sounds like your living as 

QUOTE - living with your brother (public statement)

elizabeth hurley and hugh grant. they split about 2 months later.


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## Shayla35 (Feb 21, 2009)

We haven't had sex in a few months and haven't even attempted. We both want it, but due to a lack of desire for each other on both our parts. And the last time we were together it was just kind of uncomfortable and odd feeling....like we were going through the motions just so we could each get what we needed for the time being.

I did go out for drinks with my friend last night. It was great...I had a really good time. I felt that tingling feeling you get when its someone/something new/fresh/exciting.

As much as I love and care for my husband, and he is a nice looking guy...it is like looking at a buddy/friend. We've talked about it and think we're going to take a break and see other people...just to see whats out there, meet new people, discover new feelings, etc.

We are going to explore and look at where/when things went wrong.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i can say i have had some moments like yours with my H. feeling the buddy/ friend issue. i think alot of it comes from the being in a LULL period of marriage. as in the "where are we going" approach.
but somehow we managed to get through it in different ways.
not easy and at times we took the break.
the fact that your both honest and open with eachother and both feeling the same way says alot more for your relationship than you think.


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## solsticebeast (Feb 17, 2009)

Shayla35 said:


> We haven't had sex in a few months and haven't even attempted. We both want it, but due to a lack of desire for each other on both our parts. And the last time we were together it was just kind of uncomfortable and odd feeling....like we were going through the motions just so we could each get what we needed for the time being.
> 
> I did go out for drinks with my friend last night. It was great...I had a really good time. I felt that tingling feeling you get when its someone/something new/fresh/exciting.
> 
> ...


I would be careful walking that dangerous road if I were you. If you start going out and seeing others and you start becoming intimate with these other people it could come back to bite you in the ass so to speak.

Think about it... if you decide later on down the road that you two do want to stay together and reconnect to that level... do you want your intimacy with others possibly getting in the way of that or ruining the chance altogether? Same would apply to him.

Have relations with others and still being married to someone isn't the brightest idea or the best choice to make. If you two really are ready to see others then you need to end it before things blow up in your face.

You may not think it will... but I've seen too many people getting divorced over things like this and have yet to encounter anyone who was "willing" to share their spouse with another person and not come to regret it and it end up haunting the marriage.


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## LOVETAKESWORK (Mar 9, 2009)

Dear Shayla, I have read your posts and commend you for researching this out, although I have personally enjoyed these boards sadly most posters comment out of their brokenness, not their success. Like some of the previous posts I too recommend professional help and possibly the support of a mentor. I have found no one thing more effective in the lives of individuals and marriages then to have a mentor or two. What this means for you is an older woman preferable married more than 20 years with a proven track record, a woman of compassion and purpose that would genuinely care for your welfare but be wise enough to provide you with solid advice for your long-term success, not advice you want to hear or biased advice, which most people can get in abundance from co-workers, friends, and family. Some very good places to find mentors are usually through your place of worship, or a local charity you may serve, or family organizations like scouts, youth sports or PTA. If you don’t belong to any of these, I recommend visiting a place of worship, volunteering at your local Girl Scouts, YMCA, Boys or Girls Club, woman’s shelter, or Girls Inc. organization. You will find woman of purpose at all these organizations investing their time into the welfare of others. I also recommend cutting back on your work schedules. No one and I mean no one needs to work 60 hours a week. This is definitely affecting your relationship. Intimacy is far more than sex, intimacy starts with spending time together and sex is just the physical expression and desire of wanting to express outwardly what you are feeling inwardly, sex between two people in love is far different than sex between to people just attracted to one another. Unfortunately the lounges, Internet chat rooms, work cafeterias and a host of other environments are filled with people who have never known intimacy as anything more than sex. Although sex is very healthy for marriage and a wonderful expression of love in the context of marriage, it is not the beginning or the end of marriage. As one poster wrote many happily married couples do not have sex because of health issues, or medications. Anti-depressants and anxiety medicine will seriously affect ones desire to have sex. There can be other reasons too, I knew a couple that did not have sex for several years because the husband had been molested as a child, but his wife was remarkable, faithful, and true and now after several years of marriage you would swear they were newlyweds. Please do not make the same mistake as so many individuals love is not a feeling like infatuation, it is a choice you make every day. Feelings can be marvelous but cannot always be trusted, true love, mature love is not infatuation, it is not sex, it is not attraction it is something so awesome that I could never nor would ever try to bring explanation too it and I have only pity for those who have never experienced it or who have accepted something very shallow and counterfeit instead of it. Dear Shayla, you are on a wonderful journey, but I hate to say in just 9 years of marriage you haven’t even begun to understand the working of marriage, love, or your own heart. Stay the course, seek direction, weather the storm wonderful things lie just over the horizon. Wishing your husband and you success!


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

You absolutely must read the book "Mating in Captivity". The title is campy and maybe even a bit off-putting, but it addresses your problem EXACTLY. I think you and your husband will find a tremendous amount of help in reading it. You might also want to go to a counselor, after reading this book, to help you go in the right direction.

It's not the end of your marriage. Really. Read the book. You will be enlightened.


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