# Who is more complicated in a relationship?



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Since my recent divorce due to my wife being "unhappy," several women have told me, "we women can be complicated."

After my wife asked for divorce, I realized I had been involved in a "game" for the past 18 years, although I wasn't aware a game was going on and didn't know the rules, which made things confusing.

I started thinking about how complicated I and my guy friends are when it comes to a relationship. I concluded that I'm not complicated at all. The main thing I wanted in a relationship was that "spark" that I really can't explain, but it connects me to her in a way that I'm not to others.

Beyond that, I could overlook a lot of things as long as she was passionate about our relationship and was an overall nice person. I really don't care what kind of job she has, don't expect her to be a mind reader, don't care if she remembers my birthday, etc. 

I'm just surprised at how many women I have spoken with who say, "we women are complicated." Has anyone here had the opposite experience? Has anyone had a complicated fella that you just couldn't understand and, therefore, put a strain on the relationship.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Those who say they aren't complicated are.
Those who say they are complicated aren't. 

The ability to see within makes all the difference.


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## clarah (Jun 1, 2011)

In my humble experience, that spark drives everything. When its gone, it's hard to find again in that person. Maybe while you still feel it perhaps she didn't? Humans are complicated perions. Shakespear's a midsummers night's dream is soooo accurate. We want what we can't have, we get it, then its not so great, so we may want what we had to start with...o complications.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Those who say they aren't complicated are.
> Those who say they are complicated aren't.
> 
> The ability to see within makes all the difference.


Well said, I agree!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Leah L (Jan 11, 2011)

I've seen complicated in both sexes! Not to mention what is "complicated" to one person is just fun to another. 

It does generally seem that men are more straightforward, "simpler" (in a good way).

I had predominately male employees over the years, if they had a problem, they would barge in and tell me. They may get loud at times but they spoke their mind and regardless of the outcome, when "it" was over, they were done with the issue. The gals on the other hand, I had to figure their issues even existed and draw them out to resolve. 

I'm not sure if its just my experience but over the years my observation is that it seems women may have put themselves last along the way. Then an event occurs, the kids move out and they "wake up" to that fact. They are angry and frustrated to varying degrees. I wonder if this isn't what we are deeming "complicated".

I do wonder is some of this isn't a cultural phenomena, the gals I spoke of above, how I wish they would just speak their mind more but then, the smart direct gals get labeled "*****y" or termed "aggressive" by management. Sigh! I hope its better these days.

My 0.02, Leah


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

My best friend has a complicated husband. She's pretty laid back but he's moody, sometimes depressed, anal, and can be irritating as hell. He's not direct or forthcoming either. Not your typical simple minded male.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Leah L said:


> I had predominately male employees over the years, if they had a problem, they would barge in and tell me. They may get loud at times but they spoke their mind and regardless of the outcome, when "it" was over, they were done with the issue. The gals on the other hand, I had to figure their issues even existed and draw them out to resolve.


Boy do I ever say a hearty amen to this one! The is the #1 reason I prefer men over women. I appreicate the straight-forwardness. But so true, all men & all women are not alike! 

I am more like the man in this scenerio and my husband is more like the woman, laid back and If I am not asking alot of questions, or the right ones, he may let me miss something -just cause he is so self-less. He knows I DO NOT LIKE THIS & he needs to let me know what for !  

Being TOO easy to please does not generally make for alot of excitement or challenge -which leads to "growing" & that "spark" (for many) in relationships. Though it does have it's benefits -peace & tranquility - but for some TOO MUCH calm can lead to restlessness somehow. 

MY husband is not at all complicated and sometimes I get annoyed cause he is so very predictable, love him to tears, but he is missing some of that "edge" and spontaneousness , that adventurous spirit that sometimes CAN be a barrell of FUN -Yes, even with a little drama. 

Some of the crazy stories people have to tell over the years -that keeps you in stitches likely come from these types. Maybe "complicated" is not the right word though. Maybe they are just *not* perfect but a little screwed up & their trial & error attempts at finding their nitch in life is why they are so appealiong somehow. Why I would have to agree with Leah again when she said this >>>


> what is "complicated" to one person is just fun to another.


 

Maybe what you mean by "Complicated" Southbound is more --HIDING the flaws so everyone is continually Second guessing. This would never be FUN in any way shape or form -unless you was the Psychologist trying to unravel the realness buried deep within, then it would be more if a challenge, still not necessarily fun. Noone wants to be with someone who Acts one way, says one thing and means another, passive aggressive behaviors-they suck . That is the bottom of the barrel.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I’ve very recently “de complicated” my stbx. I see her now as two people. The first of these loved me in her own way and did all the sort of things that goes along with that. The second despised me and did all the things that goes along with that! Of course this latter person prevented the former from truly loving me.

I’m much less complicated in that I never even disliked my wife let alone despised her!

Bob


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

AFEH said:


> I’ve very recently “de complicated” my stbx. I see her now as two people. The first of these loved me in her own way and did all the sort of things that goes along with that. The second despised me and did all the things that goes along with that! Of course this latter person prevented the former from truly loving me.
> 
> I’m much less complicated in that I never even disliked my wife let alone despised her!


 This is truly an interesting way of looking at it - such people exist out there, enough for others to want to pull their hair out. 

I have a female friend who calls me alot , she is a beautiful blonde, she is a sweet loving mother but darn does she cause *complications* for the men who meet her! I KNOW she drives them nuts with her suspicions that she holds in -then unleashes on them in times of stress -completely out of nowhere. 

Ever since her ex - and HIS *complications* (cheating on her, passive aggressive behavior -all the while her hopeful clinging to his ALPHA sex appeal to win him back) it has messed her up SO bad in how she views every man who gets close to her. 

It never fails, she becomes paranoid that he is trying to use her, abuse her, even that he may be her ex's friend masquerading around to mess with her mind. She finally met a KEEPER, I thought the guy was really Great for her. She called last night , told me he broke up with her for a week, I had to drag it out of her, I JUST KNEW IT HAD TO DO WITH SOMETHING SHE DID or said -- here she accually questioned him -insinuated he was a friend of her Ex's working to bring her down ! I am sure he didn't see that coming!! 

She apologized to him and he missed her so all is OK again, but in times of stress, she really goes off the deep end with this. (more problems with the ex & her kids) .

She never does this to women friends, ONLY the men. Major Major trust issues. She likely NEEDS counseling. I told her she should have called me before she lamblashed him, I would have set her straight. She did this to a guy friend I fixed her up with once too. Similar senerio, calling me up asking me how I knew he was not friends with her ex! And everything he tried to do, even being nice, she questioned if he had some hidden dark intentions. She would supress it , then WHAM !! 

Some people have ALOT of baggage from past experiences, their mental state causes so many of those "complications" that surface, a poor man won't know if he is coming or going, if he is too nice, such a woman will take this the wrong way, if he is straight forward, she might read something into that as well. She usually hurts the nice ones the worst, the type she NEEDS she pushes away. And the type that Drive her completely crazy is the ones she "bows too". 

Sad to see how someone you once loved can mess with your head THAT much. I have known this friend for decades, she was never like this before her ex husband, or if so , in a very mild way.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

In my opinion complicated is just another way of saying full of yourself, or broken or mentally unhealthy.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> This is truly an interesting way of looking at it - such people exist out there, enough for others to want to pull their hair out.
> 
> I have a female friend who calls me alot , she is a beautiful blonde, she is a sweet loving mother but darn does she cause *complications* for the men who meet her! I KNOW she drives them nuts with her suspicions that she holds in -then unleashes on them in times of stress -completely out of nowhere.
> 
> ...


SA seems your friend has in some aspects of her life become paranoid. I think people get that way because they see themselves as victims, as opposed to being a person in the wrong place at the wrong time. In other words, her H would have done the same things to any woman who was his wife, she just happened to be his wife!

Thinking of my wife as one person with two personalities has really helped me. I know she doesn’t see herself that way. I do wonder if she knows that both exist! I think one of her personalities is the conscious part of her, the other her shadow in her unconscious side.

Bob


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Maybe what you mean by "Complicated" Southbound is more --HIDING the flaws so everyone is continually Second guessing. This would never be FUN in any way shape or form -unless you was the Psychologist trying to unravel the realness buried deep within, then it would be more if a challenge, still not necessarily fun. Noone wants to be with someone who Acts one way, says one thing and means another, passive aggressive behaviors-they suck . That is the bottom of the barrel.


Yes, that is a better way to describe it. I am a plain spoken person who says what I mean, and if I don't say something, then I don't expect people to read my mind and I don't hold them accountable for it. It's rough when people aren't like that.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

southbound said:


> Yes, that is a better way to describe it. I am a plain spoken person who says what I mean, and if I don't say something, then I don't expect people to read my mind and I don't hold them accountable for it. It's rough when people aren't like that.


See it is not that "people aren't like that". We all develop habits, good and bad, based on the life we have experienced. In my opinion, women often get in the habit of "being complicated" out of social conditioning. The right advice to these women is to lighten the heck up and get over yourself. These things that you are freaking out over? They are no big deal? These silent treatment games are a waste of time. 

Lighten the heck up and get over yourself was the single best marriage advice I could ever have gotten as a woman. 

How that translates into what a man can do I think is related to the man up / effective limit setting behavior that demonstrates he is not going to take her histrionics.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> The right advice to these women is to lighten the heck up and get over yourself. These things that you are freaking out over? They are no big deal? These silent treatment games are a waste of time.
> 
> Lighten the heck up and get over yourself was the single best marriage advice I could ever have gotten as a woman. .


I agree. My x wife was so sensitive, however, that if someone told her that, she would register it a 10 on the negative scale and pout for a month. She and her family don't respond well to straight talk.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

My husband is the complicated one in our marriage. I say what I mean, and mean what I say. He doesn't have to read between the lines, or wonder what I said. I'm blunt, to the point. I'm honest, more than what I should be. I want to live a quiet simple life.

He on the other hand is high maintenance, very difficult person. Demanding, and intense. He wants it all. 

When we were younger I saw this as fun challenging. Now after 16 years and older it brings me stress. He never seems satisfied, always has to have more. This creates stress for me, he just doesn't get it.


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## englishguy80 (Jul 25, 2010)

In my head I'm very complicated, I'm a constant thinker and I seem to have a very hard time making up my own mind. But apparently to outside people I'm quite predictable making me simple.

So basically as complicated as I think I am based on what goes on my own head, the resulting actions seem to be simplistic and predictable to everyone but me!


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## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

In my eyes, BOTH are complicated, but in different ways:

Men, in general, are the ones who see the "forest', and the women (in general), are the ones who see each individual tree... (I'll explain)..

Women are complicated, in that we have DETAILS, and emotions/hormones runnings through us constantly, and it's hard for men to figure out what's going on, when! (Heck, it's even hard for us women to figure out at times!)...

MEN are complicated, in that "looking at the whole forest", they only see the big picture at times, and slack off/lack in paying attention to the little details...so that we women feel we need to pick up the slack, and "baby-sit" or follow through and clean up the messes you leave behind, because of your one-focused blinders!


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