# Letting it out...



## posh7 (Jul 7, 2010)

Where to start...My husband and I are in our mid twenties. We dated through college and have been together for about 8 years.

Today was our 1 yr anniversary. My husband didn't get me anything or have any plans. I wasn't surprised since we are broke this week as we are moving into a new apartment and have plenty of expenses. I'm still upset though because well he had one whole year to make plans. I'm also upset because I know he wouldn't have done anything even if he did have money. He never does anything for my birthday either. This really upsets me because I always go all out for his. I make sure to get his friends together and treat him like a birthday boy for the day.

I've gotten flowers from him maybe once out of the 8 years we have been together. He never attempts to come up with even a card or a small token.

I told him that I was upset about it and he changed the subject and called me an attention *****. He says that I get too dressed up and always go looking for attention.

Also he says that I forced him into marriage and ruined his life. According to him I caused us debt because I just had to have a wedding. Before we got engaged we were living together for 2 years. Because I didn't see marriage in our future I moved out and that's when he decided to propose. So I did not force him. He did however drag his feet on the wedding date. I told him I would leave so we finally did set a date. 

I was not wedding obsessed or anything, we didn't have a big wedding. I cut every corner and there were only 50 invited guests. I just didn't want to be a live-in girlfriend anymore.

I regret getting married because if I were older and more wise I would have known that I would not be cherished or appreciated. He has never done anything special for me so I don't know why I figured things would be any different. I feel so young and dumb.

I would like to separate but I just don't have ANY money to get a place on my own right now and I need him to help me pay the debt that we racked up together. (Most not wedding related) I don't ever think he will change and I just know I will always be unhappy

Do you think counseling would help? Has it helped anyone here? I don't have much money so how would I go about paying for it?


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

Hi,Posh.

Happy Anniversary. I'm sorry it hasn't been a good day for you. What you've described has been a problem in my marriage in the past. I don't know how may birthdays, anniversaries, and valentine's days have ended in tears for me. I finally learned to not expect anything. After almost splitting up, things have improved this past year. However, I don't recommend going through what we did, so I'm anxious to read advice from others on this issue.

It's so depressing to get your hopes up about a special day and have your spouse treat it like it's unimportant. I don't have any great advice, but just wanted you to know you're not alone. It can seem like it when you hear about romantic surprises your friends' spouses plan for them, but I guess some people just don't think about things like that. 

One thing I've learned during our 11 years of marriage is that things go more smoothly if I talk about my hopes or expectations with my husband before the special day arrives. It's better if we make plans together. Maybe you could try that next time. I know- it's not as great as being surprised and swept off your feet, but we chose these men. I'm sure your husband, like mine, has other traits that are endearing. Nobody's perfect. Not even those men who excel at birthdays and anniversaries.

I know you're sad right now, I've been there. The debt and financial issues can cause a lot of strain, but don't let it diminish your love. Wishing you better days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

posh7 said:


> Before we got engaged we were living together for 2 years. Because I didn't see marriage in our future I moved out and that's when he decided to propose. So I did not force him. He did however drag his feet on the wedding date. I told him I would leave so we finally did set a date.


This is probably not going to be very helpful for you but i was kind of glad to hear this. Over the years ive created a fantasy in my head that if i had of done just what you did, then i would never have felt like my H felt forced into marrying me. i guess if your relationship is dysfunctional it doesn't matter what you do; its just going to be messy. 

i lived with my h before marrying him and i always wished i had of left like you did. he didnt seem very interested in marrying me until i said i wanted to go to school. it wouldve been very expensive if we werent married, so we got married. its the most unromantic story. 

I think its horrible what your H is saying to you and i really feel for you. ive also felt trapped in my marriage. you have to sit back and deal with the torture of being with him until you can come up with an exit plan. if its not practical for you to leave right now, then try to come up with a solid plan to leave and just endure until you can go.


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## kim23 (Jul 25, 2010)

For my first anniversary, my husband took me to a policial rally...I have no interest in politics except during an election. Then he lied about the one thing I was looking forward to...dinner, he said he called for reservations and they said we could just walk on in...we get there and they said no...we are reservtion only...we can get you in at 10 pm tonight of you would like? we ended up eating at the freaking food court...


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

It's hard to imagine we can MAKE a person do something, but I think we are all old enough here to know what is what and really should be honest with ourselves. We all know what leaving does to the other partner. If you didn't want to force him to marry you, you would have said no because it wasn't your intention. You knew he didn't want to, so why marry him if that isn't what you intended to do. I didn't. I dated a guy who told me at the beginning he would never get married again. He felt he'd gotten screwed in his divorce and didn't want to go through that anymore. I accepted that and stayed with him. When I broke up with him two years later, he asked me to marry him. I knew it was a desperate attempt to keep me. I reminded him of never wanting to marry and told him it was not my intention to force him. I did want to marry him but refused under those circumstances. We got back together, and he spent the next six months asking me to marry him or asking why I wouldn't marry him. I had different reasons for saying no by then.

Nevertheless, it's not something he should hold against you. It isn't as though you put a gun to his head. And now, you are both regretting it. He blames you because he never really wanted to marry in the first place. You blame yourself because you realize you had unrealistic expectations. I don't know if counseling can fix this. Counseling is for people who want to work on their marriage to make it better and improve communication. But I can't tell if either of you are committed to the relationship to WANT to make it better. If you both are not committed and neither wants to be married, then no amount of counseling can help.

What you must to do is determine if he loves you and if you love him and if you both want things to improve. If the feelings are mutual, then you have to drop the recriminations and learn to meet each other's needs. For the most part, you continue making the same mistake by continuing to stay with a guy who does not meet your needs. Ask him if he wants to stay married, if he is committed or not. And determine that for yourself. You guys have some talking to do. But you cannot be threatening in any way in order to get the answers you want to hear. You have to be honest with yourself and allow him to do the same, or you will never be happy. So don't mention you are not happy. Don't mention leaving. Don't mention not being able to live like this, or anything of the sort. Just ask him straight up. Tell him, "I'd like to talk about us. When would be a good time?" Then sit down and ask him if he (still) loves you. If he says yes, then ask if he is committed to the relationship. If he says yes, tell him you want to be everything he needs you to be, and you want him to be everything you need him to be. Then ask if he is willing because it takes a lot of work. It is most rewarding, but marriage is work nonetheless.

If you guys decide to work on your marriage, then come back here for suggestions to improve your relationship. There are lots of resources most everyone here often suggests that work, such as learning each other's emotional needs and how to meet them, and learning how not to get on each other's nerves. I really, really hope we hear back from you.


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## posh7 (Jul 7, 2010)

Thanks everyone for your responses and advice. I talked to H yesterday and asked him why he always tells me I forced him to marry him. He says that he just tells me that to make me upset but I'm not sure because he always says it when we are in an argument. When I bring up that maybe we shouldn't be married he always says that he wants to be with me and he loves me. So I am really confused.

Even though he wants to stay married I don't think I'll be happy. He equates doing the basics like paying bills to showing me he loves me. He says, I pay all the bills and I am saving when I ask him why we don't celebrate special occasions. He also says that I ask for too much.

Now that I think about how he was raised it makes since since his parents were always in financial ruin. He tells me that he has anxiety about being financially secure.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Call his bluff, next time tell him to go, get an attitude change and you will decide if you have him back.

On a more serious note you can't live like this something has to give. Either you live unhappily for the rest of you life or you draw up boundaries that must not be crossed. eg. trading insults, the forced marriage comment, time with friends etc. Both of you contribute to this. Even if there is an argument the boundaries should not be crossed

If these are crossed make a decision, both of you need to be happy in this marriage.

You did not mention any children and you are young enough to either fix this permanently or make a fresh start with someone that respects you and you them..

My cents worth


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

You need to really communicate with him on this one.

My wife was pretty much the same way. Never acknowledged my birthday, father's day (I made sure she got a card/gifts from me and all the kids on mother's day), Christmas ("we won't get each other gifts", but then expects one), Valentine's Day. 

It grates on you when you put yourself out in a relationship but never get the little things that SHOW love back in return.

I'm not saying that you DEMAND a gift or card on special occasions, but you have to let him know how you feel when you are ignored this way. It won't get better unless you talk to him.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

posh7 said:


> He equates doing the basics like paying bills to showing me he loves me. He says, I pay all the bills and I am saving when I ask him why we don't celebrate special occasions. He also says that I ask for too much.
> 
> He tells me that he has anxiety about being financially secure.


My H is the same way, but it works for us because i do consider that a huge act of love. what is more loving then wanting you and your spouse to have a comfortable retirement and secure future? 

Have you ever had to worry about bills? have you lived and worked on your own? It sounds like you have not. Otherwise i think you would appreciate this act of his. 

It may be that you are putting a lot of financial stress on him by not earning any money. Have you guys talked about that? Do you think if you started making some money things might get a little better? If that is his love language, then you arent showing him any love the way he understands.


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## posh7 (Jul 7, 2010)

Blanca said:


> Have you ever had to worry about bills? have you lived and worked on your own? It sounds like you have not. Otherwise i think you would appreciate this act of his.
> 
> It may be that you are putting a lot of financial stress on him by not earning any money. Have you guys talked about that? Do you think if you started making some money things might get a little better? If that is his love language, then you arent showing him any love the way he understands.


First of all...I HAVE ALWAYS HAD A JOB. ALWAYS. Even when I got laid off last summer I didn't sit on my butt and collect unemployment insurance. I took a crappy ego crushing cart girl job. I worked 10 hour days IN THE HOT SUN, lifting huge buckets of ice, and dodging gross old men to get the bills paid. I am no stranger to hard work.

I was the one who paid for his last semester of college when his dead beat parents were no where to be found. I am the one with the good credit that was able to purchase a home for us. So when it comes to money we are both EQUAL when it comes to contributing in our own ways.

Luckily, growing up I never had to stuggle. He says his parents never made a big deal out of birthdays and etc but to me it's no excuse.

I tell him what I want word for word yet he always fails to deliver.


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## posh7 (Jul 7, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> You need to really communicate with him on this one.
> 
> My wife was pretty much the same way. Never acknowledged my birthday, father's day (I made sure she got a card/gifts from me and all the kids on mother's day), Christmas ("we won't get each other gifts", but then expects one), Valentine's Day.
> 
> ...


What do you do when you talk about it and still nothing changes? I get upset because I do everything for him. I had to learn how to say no to him....and he throws tantrums when I do. I even uprooted my whole life so that he could follow his dream to live in NYC. I created the path from him even and found a job and got us settled there. I'm always his cheerleader, why can't he be mine:-(

And for another poster: No, I have no kids and there is no way I would now considering how things are going. And we can't afford one in NYC anyhow, lol


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Hi Posh,
Sounds to me like you’re both lacking in appreciation, both the giving and the receiving. Sometimes people learn by example. Why not take yourself to a quite place and think about the things your husband does in your marriage. Write them down. I would suggest you include the wedding, let him know how much you appreciate your wedding and his contribution to its costs.

Buy him a little gift or do something really nice, something that you know he likes. Tell him how much you really appreciate all the things he does in your relationship and give him a note with these things in it. Is he a loyal man? Tell him how much you really appreciate that. Is he careful with the finances? Tell him how much you appreciate that. I’m sure you’ll think of more things to appreciate him for.

If you see, witness, a bodily change come over him you will know what you have done has worked. The signs are things like a “softening”, a bit of bewilderment, a smile. If it’s really working you will witness tears of joy and you will get a very big hug.

Sometimes that’s all we can do. Sometimes we have to demonstrate what we need in order to get it. You need birthday cards and things like that. I’m pretty certain you will get them if you let your husband know just what you appreciate him for and how much you appreciate him.

Bob


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

But then again I'm a romantic. Surprise parties on birthdays, at one of them she more or less fainted when she walked through the door to friends singing happy birthday. I'd forgotten that one. But my dad bless him had to tell me when it was our first annivesary. Tis a funny old life sometimes.

If you can't stack up the things you appreciate your life partner for then just maybe you are with the wrong person. You already sound bitter and resentful, that will only get worse if you let things be as they are.

I can see you've done a lot and you're truly quite a woman for your man. Sometimes marriage is really tough, testing. But if the love, passion, dedication isn't there, it just isn't worth it and it's best to check out no matter what the financial cost or where it leads you.

Bob


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## 4mockingbird (Jul 27, 2010)

If they dont' show appreciation for what you do (cards on birthdays, etc), they will never change.

That is what happened to my marriage. Most of our fights were because I felt unappreciated. I always did things for him and made birthdays/holidays special, even when we didn't have money. It was never reciprocated. I can't even say that he did other things since I did that too (bills, shopping, cooking, cleaning). He was the breadwinner and I was a SAHM.

He could never understand that you didn't need money to make someone feel special. It ended up being that everytime he didn't make an effort, I stopped making an effort on my side too. We just got into a vicisous cycle which eventually led to him finding something outside the marriage and now our subsequent divorce after 18 years.

At first, I wanted to salvage it, but now I realize that deserve better for myself, even if it means being alone and being totally responsible for my happiness.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

posh7 said:


> First of all...I HAVE ALWAYS HAD A JOB. ALWAYS.


I apologize if I offended you. It really was not my intention. Im sure this is a very stressful time. From your reply, and from some of the things you've said he said, it sounds like money is a huge issue for you two.


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## posh7 (Jul 7, 2010)

Blanca said:


> I apologize if I offended you. It really was not my intention. Im sure this is a very stressful time. From your reply, and from some of the things you've said he said, it sounds like money is a huge issue for you two.


No worries.

My husband talked to me nast night. He says that he really wants to be a good husband and he would do his best to treat me better. He said he could tell that I was getting distant and didn't like that we were slipping apart.

I think that you guys were right. I should also recognize the ways that he shows me he loves me. Hopefully this is the start to a better marriage.

Thanks everyone for your advice and input.


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