# Contacting Old Lovers



## whowouldhavethought (Jun 15, 2013)

I have been having a discussion with a couple of people about contacting old lovers. Everyone agrees it is a bad idea to ever do it but I only semi-agreed.

I have no problems with contacting OL when seeking professional advice. For example, asking OL to tell you exactly what kind of doctor you need and exactly what questions you need to ask. Or asking how to appeal an insurance denial.

Your thoughts.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

No I would not. You can find out from your primary care Dr what type of other Dr they recommend for your decision.
As for the insurance appeal, your insurance company should have defined processes on how to do that.
NO need to contact OL's.

Let me caveat this to say that this is my opinion if YOU are already married or serious LTR.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

whowouldhavethought said:


> I have been having a discussion with a couple of people about contacting old lovers. Everyone agrees it is a bad idea to ever do it but I only semi-agreed.
> 
> I have no problems with contacting OL when seeking professional advice. For example, asking OL to tell you exactly what kind of doctor you need and exactly what questions you need to ask. Or asking how to appeal an insurance denial.
> 
> Your thoughts.


Is that person such a specialist that they are the only ones you can talk to?
Bad idea, if only because it risks distrust being planted in your spouse.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Old lovers, often hold old grudges.

They know where your body lies...
Lies and fails to perform, up to snuff.

Your faults are known to them, especially those that cause self-worth-quakes.




_The Typist-_ from his notes.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Very VERY bad idea.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Why don't you ask your SO what they think?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

whowouldhavethought said:


> I have been having a discussion with a couple of people about contacting old lovers. Everyone agrees it is a bad idea to ever do it but I only semi-agreed.
> 
> I have no problems with contacting OL when seeking professional advice. For example, asking OL to tell you exactly what kind of doctor you need and exactly what questions you need to ask. Or asking how to appeal an insurance denial.
> 
> Your thoughts.


Contacting an ex for medical advise? Really. They will see right through that as fishing, which you know darn well is what you want to do. You should heed your friends advise and leave the ex in the past. If you’re fishing for new love, go out into new waters because if you fish in the old pond all you will feel in is the same old problem . Now if you’re just trolling for easy sex, looking up an ex can be a quick route to a score, just make sure they don’t belong to someone else.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

it is clearly a bad idea.

if you go ahead and do it anyway....is your adult decision to make.


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## The IT Guy (Oct 17, 2020)

That’s something best left avoided, TBH. I wouldn’t personally.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Because there's absolutely nobody else in the world you can contact for professional advice then an ex.

They are the only one in existence with knowledge of doctors.

Own the fact that you want to contact exes.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

It's a grey area but it's dark grey, closer to black. Many times there is an ulterior motive & it's a slippery slope but it can be done.

My HS BF needed my professional services 25 years later. We had recently bumped into each other at a HS reunion so with the blessing of both our spouses he hired me. I solved his problem & we moved on. We are social media friends & maybe once per year go on double dates because him & my husband really get along so they have fun together. I don't bother about him so much.

Two EXs who are in my profession & I cross paths occasionally. I am currently collaborating with one on a project. It does not involve much interaction. Except when his dad died last year when I expressed my condolences & send a card, we keep things professional; the exception being I might use an emojii in a business email or if I had reason to talk to him this time of year (which I don't this year), I'd close with Merry Christmas & Happy New Year. 

As others have said, if there are others from whom you can get the same info, do that instead. If you must interact keep it professional & short. Never do it behind your SO's back. CC or at least BCC your SO on emails / texts to the EX in the name of transparency


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

whowouldhavethought said:


> I have no problems with contacting OL when seeking professional advice.
> Your thoughts.


Come on WWHT, you know that's an excuse. Why don't you just go ahead and open the lines of communication without somebody's sanction to rationalize it. How long has this person been on your mind anyway?


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Boundaries. Learn them.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Everything you listed about contacting an old lover could be discussed with someone that wasn't an old lover. It could be interpreted as fishing by your ex or by your current partner. I don't think it's a good idea. If my wife reached out to an ex-bf for legal advice when she has multiple lawyer relatives, I would be very skeptical.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

whowouldhavethought said:


> I have been having a discussion with a couple of people about contacting old lovers. Everyone agrees it is a bad idea to ever do it


Because anyone who would sleep with you is clearly evil.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

dadstartingover said:


> Boundaries. Learn them.


For some men, those boundaries, while intimidating, get frog-jumped over.

That third leg of theirs inspires them to pole-vault over.

Little heads fear no wall, a-tall.


_Lilith-_


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Contacting old lovers rarely would be a good idea.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Old lovers have no place in your like if you are currently in a relationship, unless you are co-parents with them.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Question i would have is why do you still have their contact info? I do not have any old flings info, nor do i accept their friend requests on FB.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

whowouldhavethought said:


> I have been having a discussion with a couple of people about contacting old lovers. Everyone agrees it is a bad idea to ever do it but I only semi-agreed.
> 
> I have no problems with contacting OL when seeking professional advice. For example, asking OL to tell you exactly what kind of doctor you need and exactly what questions you need to ask. Or asking how to appeal an insurance denial.
> 
> Your thoughts.


If you need an ex to tell you what kind of doctor you need and what questions to ask then you have lost your adult card. 

Figure it out on your own or with someone NOT your ex.

If you did contact an ex for that (and how embarrassing is it that you resorted to that) and said ex has a new partner I would hope the ex would wish you well then send you on your merry way with a sorry can't help you and please let's go our separate ways w no further contact.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Is this an after the fact question? Did you contact an old lover and get caught? Are you desperately trying to build a defence to justify your actions?

Seems like an odd reason to reach out to an ex, unless there's some hidden agenda.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Cooper said:


> Is this an after the fact question? Did you contact an old lover and get caught? Are you desperately trying to build a defence to justify your actions?
> 
> Seems like an odd reason to reach out to an ex, unless there's some hidden agenda.


And an "I still can't manage my own life without you" issue.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

SpinyNorman said:


> Because anyone who would sleep with you is clearly evil.


Or rather the person who is asking the question?

If I want to find out what kind of car to purchase I could possibly seek opinions from a friend who is not a former lover....or do the research myself.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Benbutton said:


> Or rather the person who is asking the question?


I don't understand.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Benbutton said:


> Or rather the person who is asking the question?
> 
> If I want to find out what kind of car to purchase I could possibly seek opinions from a friend who is not a former lover....or do the research myself.


Perhaps Spiny is being facetious a bit?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

It's a bad idea all around. Really only one reason to contact an old lover.....🤔


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

whowouldhavethought said:


> I have been having a discussion with a couple of people about contacting old lovers. Everyone agrees it is a bad idea to ever do it but I only semi-agreed.
> 
> I have no problems with contacting OL when seeking professional advice. For example, asking OL to tell you exactly what kind of doctor you need and exactly what questions you need to ask. Or asking how to appeal an insurance denial.
> 
> Your thoughts.


Why do that? Don't you have Google?


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Perhaps Spiny is being facetious a bit?


No idea.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

whowouldhavethought said:


> I have been having a discussion with a couple of people about contacting old lovers. Everyone agrees it is a bad idea to ever do it but I only semi-agreed.
> 
> I have no problems with contacting OL when seeking professional advice. For example, asking OL to tell you exactly what kind of doctor you need and exactly what questions you need to ask. Or asking how to appeal an insurance denial.
> 
> Your thoughts.


In a world of almost 7 billion other people, no one knows anything about doctors or insurance????


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

whowouldhavethought said:


> I have been having a discussion with a couple of people about contacting old lovers. Everyone agrees it is a bad idea to ever do it but I only semi-agreed.
> 
> I have no problems with contacting OL when seeking professional advice. For example, asking OL to tell you exactly what kind of doctor you need and exactly what questions you need to ask. Or asking how to appeal an insurance denial.
> 
> Your thoughts.


Interesting topic. I suppose that an old lover could still be someone that you have as an old and dear friend. If so that is a really dangerous and slippery slope. Still they could have married a brother and you see them at family functions. They could have married a close male friend you are still buddies with and do stuff with.

Unless there is some real solid "third party" connection that requires you to make sure neither of you has any flirting or romantic thought, then no you should not contact an old lover.

A few years ago, I did read a pop psychology article on women, many of whom, have picked up their "next in line husband/lover/companion. The article stated that lots of women maintain some contact with men on social media that they have decided would be good for them, if their husband died or divorced them. These women will do nothing to threaten the guy's existing marriage, but want to be visible depending on what happens in the future.

Make sure that if you do contact an OL for advice or information that you make sure you only want information and will be 100% faithful to your spouse.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Contact an ex?
Why the hell would I want to do that?
If I valued anything they had to say, they wouldn't be my ex.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

If the old lover was a great auto mechanic maybe.

Just kidding 😮😮


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## whowouldhavethought (Jun 15, 2013)

I should have explained my question better. First, in my professional career, my knowledge base was a foot wide and deep as the Mariana Trench. That is the type of expert I am talking about. often times an OL will take the time to listen and then make some suggestions.

but my case. I was suffering long term from some weird but deadly symptoms. I had seen numerous doctors in my town, but they persisted. I called OL and asked for some suggestions on what to do. She listened, asked some question and then said make an appointment at the Mayo Clinic and ask for a certain doctor.

I made the appointment and had some blood work done. I walked into my appointment and the Doctor asked a few questions. He then said he was 95% sure he knew what I had but it would take four days to confirm his diagnosis. He was right. Issued me a prescription and symptoms went away.

Another OL was contacted and I asked her for a professional referral in another very soft skill area. Again a few questions were asked and the she said called X,Y, or Z and use my name to ger an appointment sooner rather than later. I did and got an appointment within a week,


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

whowouldhavethought said:


> I should have explained my question better. First, in my professional career, my knowledge base was a foot wide and deep as the Mariana Trench. That is the type of expert I am talking about. often times an OL will take the time to listen and then make some suggestions.
> 
> but my case. I was suffering long term from some weird but deadly symptoms. I had seen numerous doctors in my town, but they persisted. I called OL and asked for some suggestions on what to do. She listened, asked some question and then said make an appointment at the Mayo Clinic and ask for a certain doctor.
> 
> ...


This is a much more specific scenario than you originally asked about. I would say if your health is involved and there really are no better sources of information, then of course, do what you have to do.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Because there's absolutely nobody else in the world you can contact for professional advice then an ex.
> 
> They are the only one in existence with knowledge of doctors.
> 
> Own the fact that you want to contact exes.


Oh come on!

Old lovers have already done plenty of "exams" so they should be go to people for medical questions?😋


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

whowouldhavethought said:


> I should have explained my question better. First, in my professional career, my knowledge base was a foot wide and deep as the Mariana Trench. That is the type of expert I am talking about. often times an OL will take the time to listen and then make some suggestions.
> 
> but my case. I was suffering long term from some weird but deadly symptoms. I had seen numerous doctors in my town, but they persisted. I called OL and asked for some suggestions on what to do. She listened, asked some question and then said make an appointment at the Mayo Clinic and ask for a certain doctor.
> 
> ...


Well are you being above board with your wife or girlfriend?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Oh come on!
> 
> Old lovers have already done plenty of "exams" so they should be go to people for medical questions?😋


Well that is true. You might get advice tailored to your position preferences...you can't get that from another qualified doctor.

Ok, I'm convinced 😁

#sarcasm


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I guess the moral of the story is, don't screw the most competent professional people in your area if you aren't married to them?

I have to say, that's some crazy pattern of lovers!


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## DLC (Sep 19, 2021)

To OP, I say there is nothing wrong with contacting ex-lover for “business”. But then you are opening up the door for “more” if all the moons lines up for the reason. 

not a bad thing if you are single or going to be single soon. But if you want to build upon your existing relationship, I would say contacting ex is my last resort, more like she is the last person on earth who can help the situation AND communicate that in advance to my wife and get approval first.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I've remained in contact with a handful of old lovers - even one dating back 50 years to high school - IF we parted amicably because we weren't sufficiently compatible. All have met my wife (and my ex-wife if they existed during my time with her), so we've been dear friends for many years. We've even traveled with a couple of them. I have no reason to contact any others, unless curiosity is sufficient. Two came to pay their respects at my father's funeral, for example, and we spent a few minutes catching up - but have not stayed in contact.


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