# sexually used?



## FourRoses (Apr 8, 2010)

This is my first time posting and I'm looking for some advice about a relationship that has transfigured over the course of 12 plus years. 

When my husband and I were first married, we seemed to be fairly well matched in the sexual arena. As time has passed, and four children have come along, my needs have changed considerably while it seems that his have increased. 

Because of this there has become a strain on our relationship since it seems to me that the only way he feels he can express his love to me is through the intimate act, which he wants at least twice daily. 

I have begun to feel as though that is all I am good for in his mind since he doesn't seem to understand that I need to be shown love and consideration in other ways. 

I know I've said that we've both changed, but I'm at my wits end to find an end to the same fight we have on a daily basis. He wants it, I don't. I capitulate and let him have it, while my spirit feels crushed and bruised. 

What needs to happen to make things better between us. I love this man very much but I don't want to fight about this anymore!


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## pinkprincess (Jun 10, 2008)

hi...

Welcome to these forums i have found them very useful and hopefully so will you..

Most marriages go thru this stage so I do not think you will be alone with this issue...

Do you mind me asking how often you just give in and give him what he wants, i see you say he wants it 2x a day...so does he sometimes get this????

I would suggest talking about how you feel , let him kow that you love him very much and that you want and need to feel that he feels the same, let him know that if he makes a effort to make you feel this way you will be hapier to have sex and it will be more intimate which is always better for everyone involved...

Being mad to feel like you are only there for sex is definatly not a nice feeling. He needs to know this. The other road you could take is not to give in and have sex for a while see untill he startes making you feel the way that you deserve to..

do you do special things for him toshow your effection? or are you both in a routine marriage???


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## FourRoses (Apr 8, 2010)

I give in more often than not since its easier than trying to have the same conversation over and over again that I'm not happy and needing something other than the physical act. I know this isn't helping the situation, but I also know that if he doesn't get what he says he needs than a brick wall seems to go up between us that is almost unbreachable until one of us gives in. (which is usually me.) 

He says that I'm being unreasonable when I put him off and that its all my fault that this has become an issue since it didn't use to be this way. That makes me feel so angry since I am definitely not the same girl he married over ten years ago. We've both changed and for the most part we've grown together, but not in this area. He still expects me to be the same as when we met, and that is just not going to happen. 

Yes, I go out of my way to make sure that he knows I love him, verbally and by doing extra little things for him. Maybe he's just become accustomed to the extra little things and they don't mean to him what they mean to me. I don't know. 

So, yes. Maybe it is a little routine, but how can it not be when you are both so busy and then add in four kids. I'm at a loss right now.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Those "little extra things" you do to show your love for him, dont show him you love him, to you they may, but to him they dont. They show him that you want to love him the way you want to love him, and his way doesnt count. He is telling you how to show that you love him in his way. Does this make sense to you? 

Unfortunately, the way we are in our relationships from early on is what we fall in love with. When it changes, the balance and what we liked is thrown out of kilter. Have his needs really increased or does it just come across that way bc your have decreased? Another alternative is this... as your needs went down, his needs went up bc of the change in your desire for it (wanting more of what we cant have). SO maybe his actual drive for it didnt go up, but bc it beacme a rare commodity, he craves it more bc he doesnt have what he once had and loved.

You can enter into a battle of "compromise" (ie power) and find a happy medium, but it seldom works... either one or both of you will end up resentful. It would be better to have a frank talk about what to do with the change in you that has him drooling like a hungry puppy dog. He will appreciate you owning up to the fact that your sex drive has changed due to the circumstances you mentioned. However, you cant say it in a way like he needs to accept the fact that you changed. He feels duped enough bc of the change, please dont add insult to his confusion. He just wants to know that you want him and believe in him the way you used to.

Why is it so many women just opt out once the kids are born and things get busy... its no wonder so many men feel like they dont matter anymore. The women like this would be perfect for my husband as he doesnt want sex in a marriage relationship. Sorry to sound harsh, I just dont buy the sex drive going down just because of life circumstances... perhpas there is a deeper reason or resentment for your downturn? Have you searched within to find how you can get back to liking it the way you used to?


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## Jenna (Apr 7, 2010)

I can't quite tell from your post if you're suffering from 'Dead Mommy Syndrome'. It is difficult to keep in touch with the sexual beings we are once we become mothers. We are tired, distracted, craving solitude or even just a bit of quiet... in short... our forces are scattered and we just try to make it through each day hoping we didn't miss any important school notes or appointments. Then, at night, we're supposed to turn on our inner Venus? Very difficult and men never seem to understand this.

It sounds like a compromise is in order. Would he consider taking over mommy duties one night a week to give you a break to rejuvenate - maybe take a bubble bath, give yourself a manicure, read a book/magazine etc.? 

My husband and I went through something similar and are still trying to work out the kinks, but it's definitely getting better. He was missing the spice we had earlier on in our relationship - lingerie, spontaneous sex, adventuresome sexual activities, etc. This past Valentine's Day, my gift to him was a year's worth of 'Freaky Fridays' with coupons for every activity we've engaged in and even some we haven't. He gets to choose what I wear, what we do, and where we do it. All elements are up to him. It is a way for him to feel that the spice isn't gone and I can be ready and willing. It's also nice to tap into my 'inner Venus' and play the temptress once again. What a rush!

Other days of the week are more typical. At times, I'm in the mood, other times I just accommodate him, and he doesn't complain if I take a pass if I'm not interested at all. 

Ours is a work in progress, but we are both willing to give and try to understand the other. Communication is key. 

But, a word of warning, if you continue doing what you're doing, deep resentment will grow within you and you will begin seeing him as the enemy. No man has a right to denigrate a woman and we should not allow them to do that. You are on a slippery slope and need to make a change soon.

Good luck to you!


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