# Did he or did he not??



## cloudy (Feb 6, 2009)

Hello to all of you

Yesterday I checked our cellphone bill and took a closer look at the text messages. So I found that my husband had send and received all together 150 messages to and from the same number. 

He came home from work and I confronted him. First he said it is nothing over and over again. Then he said it is someone from work...yeah right. Then I asked him to give me his cellphone so could call the number from his phone but he wouldn't give it to me. So he started talking. It was somebody he met when he was going out and saw once and that he has been texting on and off sind December..........Sometimes everyday and sometimes once a week. He told me that nothing has happened yet, but he had in his own words "bad intentions". And we need to talk to somebody (marriage counseling) I told him if you are not happy with me and you don't love me anymore I do not want to make you stay in this relationship. He said he always love me and he will always love, but it seems, that the connection is missing.............
I also call this girl yesterday and it seem like she knew that he was married, because it didnt bother her at all. She just told me that they saw each other once, the time he met her at the club..............
I don't know what's going on........He left his phone here, because I wanted to see if she would write him since I called her yesterday. Nothing happened, so I decided to write her a message to get a closer look what they have going on.......
(She thought my husband was writing) I asked her questions and one answer was "you need to cuss your f***ing wifes ass out, if she is looking for s**t she will find s**t.........and then I replied, I cannot do this, because I love my wife and she replied .........oh okay, you love your wife, but why do you want my sex..........................So they question is, did it happen yet? Or were they planning on getting together soon, since my husband said he had bad intentions.........

Thanks for all responses.........I still can't believe it


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Sorry hun it sounds like its happend. AND her my hell she sounds disturbing. I would start off by saying I know if you play the I already know card with your husband it will be likely he will confess. then go from there and if he did. Find out why? he said he feels no connection with you is that cause of him or you or both?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I'm so sorry to hear this. Honestly, it's very hard to say whether anything happened, I would lean towards not yet because both of their stories matched when you confronted them. When you called her, would she have had the chance to text him before you confronted him? If not, I would think it was planned but they did not follow through. Was he open with you when talking about when they met and how that went down? He obviously exchanged numbers with her. 

Oh, and she sounds like a nice lady.....NOT! What a skank...could care less whether he is married and threatens you.

I think what you told your H was perfect...put the ball in his court to figure out what he wants and let him know what you will not put up with in your marriage. I hope you are able to have some open talks soon and get things out on the table--it's likely a turning point to figure out if you can reconnect & spice things up to keep the marriage fun...I think by what you've said already, you have taken some pressure off of him...where you don't want him in a happy marriage....so hopefully he will feel safe to say what's been going on and on his mind and you can work through it.


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## cloudy (Feb 6, 2009)

swedish said:


> I'm so sorry to hear this. Honestly, it's very hard to say whether anything happened, I would lean towards not yet because both of their stories matched when you confronted them. When you called her, would she have had the chance to text him before you confronted him? If not, I would think it was planned but they did not follow through. Was he open with you when talking about when they met and how that went down? He obviously exchanged numbers with her.
> 
> Oh, and she sounds like a nice lady.....NOT! What a skank...could care less whether he is married and threatens you.
> 
> I think what you told your H was perfect...put the ball in his court to figure out what he wants and let him know what you will not put up with in your marriage. I hope you are able to have some open talks soon and get things out on the table--it's likely a turning point to figure out if you can reconnect & spice things up to keep the marriage fun...I think by what you've said already, you have taken some pressure off of him...where you don't want him in a happy marriage....so hopefully he will feel safe to say what's been going on and on his mind and you can work through it.



I checked our cellphone account he did not sent her a message, that I would call her or about a plan. I just saw, that she sent him a message a couple minutes after I called her, but he did not reply to her..........


He met her at the club. He is not going out very often and she is a friend of his buddies friend!? (who is also married). Thats how they met and exchanged numbers........


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## cloudy (Feb 6, 2009)

sunflower said:


> Sorry hun it sounds like its happend. AND her my hell she sounds disturbing. I would start off by saying I know if you play the I already know card with your husband it will be likely he will confess. then go from there and if he did. Find out why? he said he feels no connection with you is that cause of him or you or both?



I don't know what to do with the" why do you want my sex" Is she talking in future or about the past and present??? He said he had bad intentions, which makes me think it it was planned and happening soon..............

and yeah she is trailer trash...............grrrrrrr..........disrespectful and it does not bother her that he is married and has two kids.......


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Well KARMA I totally believe in Karma. what goes around comes around! And maybe you are right he is telling the truth he is admitting that he was thinking about it so that right there says alot cause he could have said no I dont think so. But its a hard thing to admit and he did. So he may be telling the truth. And thats VERY good he isnt responding to her oh I bet that pisses her off GOOD stupid girl I just dont understand these women that go for married men. I understand why women stay and men stay after affairs. But why people go for something they shouldnt and cant have I dont get?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Did.


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## cloudy (Feb 6, 2009)

Initfortheduration said:


> Did.


Why do you think he did? Can you explain your theory?

I am still waiting for him to come home..


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

So sorry to hear you're going through this.  This woman sounds like a real winner! Total trash. Funny, I don't think you really meet real good quality, high moral people there.  You need to have a real heart to heart with your man and take responsibility to what you have done to contribute to the deterioration in your marriage. He also needs to come clean as to what happened with Suzy skanky pants and what he intends to do to also resolve the problems in your marriage. Therapy would be an excellent start. Hopefully you two can get things back on track. You owe it to yourselves and your little one. Remember men won't want to go out for hamburger when they have steak at home honey!


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## T-Dub (Feb 2, 2009)

If you text someone 150 times he is trying to get caught. I don't think you should waite for him to get home. Just put his crap outside by the driveway. That would surely wake him up!!


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I'm sorry but your husband is lying to you. He's clearly had discussions about you and they were not positive. That's a load of crap and you don't need anything more to prove it. Pack up his stuff, put it on the porch, leave his cell phone on top. 

My husband's affair started with texting and when I saw the 500+ texts he lied. Then I got in to his email and saw things like "Hi baby, what are you doing later tonight?" and worse...I confronted him and he lied. 

He lied to you when you confronted him. So out he goes. When I confirmed this, I kicked his sorry butt to the curb...a huge step for me. Shocked him. In his own words he said "I [email protected]#@^ my life up". 

We have reconciled now, but he had to come clean, have no more contact with her and commit to making this work. He's done all of that. 

If your H won't do that, then you can't repair this. Don't let him continue this.


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## cloudy (Feb 6, 2009)

Well, I just talked to my husband. We talked like grownups

I asked him all the questions I needed to get answered and he said he had nothing going on with her ????? He said, something was always stopping him, he was thinking about me and the children and if it would be worth loosing all that. Hmmmm, do guys really think that way???

I asked him why she would write something like "why do you want my sex?".....................he said turn it around........she just found out that I am married and I am (remember I was the one writing her the message asking how she was doing this morning from my husbands cellphone) still contacting her. So what would she think that I want from her other than sex..............

Hmmmmmmm. I don't know what to think..........


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

i would be very cautious about this situation something just doesnt fit into place about the whole situation just reading it made me uncomfortable. i would pay very close attention to his actions. dont jump to conclusions. however open you eyes to everything he does and keep what you find out to yourself and till your sure 100% either way what is going on. the reason i say keep everything to your self right now is if there is something going on with these two you want to be able to catch it. they both know at this point that you also know. so they might start to pay closer attention to what they are doing if anything keep your head up. and please keep us informed.


CPT


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## cloudy (Feb 6, 2009)

Well, it is really difficult.............
He said, okay lets go ahead and change numbers. I responded to him "we can change numbers all we want, if she is on your mind" he responded in a angry way "that she has never been in his head"........Hmmmmmmm......

I asked him again, that I do not want to keep him in this relationship if he does not love me anymore, or if he is unhappy and he said he wants to do whatever he takes get our marriage straight again........

and I asked him, how he got the number

He was at the club with his friend and his girlfriend had another friend with her. They were drinking and starting to talk and at the end of night, she gave him her number............

I also asked him in a serious way, that I want him to tell me the truth if he cheated on me, so I can schedule an appointment to get checked for STD's...............
That is something, I thought would catch his attention and he would get nervous, because he did not think of, but he stayed calm and it didn't bother him at all and he clearly said, that nothing has happened. 
(He is in the military and they take HIV Test on a regular basis)


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

not saying that hes lying because it sounds like he may be telling the truth and not to scare you but my wife lied straight to my face as plain as day many times i asked before i had found out about her affair just be carefull and please take car of yourself.


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

Cloudy - I am sorry for what happened. I can only assume the emotions that are going on in your head.
I had a hard time figuring out what to believe, and how to deal with the emotions of the other person.
My suggestions - don't worry or think about her...that won't do any good. You have no influence over her, don't know her morals, etc.
Instead - focus on your husband. His actions weren't in line (reguardless what happened). You need to do 2 things (again just my opinion).
1 - decide what you want to do. Fighting for your marriage is well worth it. It will take strength, energy and lots of different emotions.
2 - decide if you can trust your husband. You know what you know. If his actions arn't normal, if things don't add up, if the look you see in his eye causes you a concern - you have your answer. There is a good change that not everything is out on the table yet.


Once you decide those, you can start to work on the marriage - find out what was missing for him (and you). Why would he be weak and willing to risk things? Why has he focused so much on himself and not you, etc....
Good luck.


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## cloudy (Feb 6, 2009)

Thanks for all of your responses.
I am just trying to move forward right now and try not to think about it too much. Still I have my doubts if it happened or not. (Innocent until proven guilty????).......
I have my first appointment for marriage counseling on the 18th and my husband will join in March. I hope we can find back together he said he will do whatever it takes........Let's see how this goes.....I want to try at least, we have two children!!

and thanks for the advice.....I will go by "actions speak louder than words"


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

What kind of husband takes a phone number from a woman at a bar? That should say everything right there.


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## cloudy (Feb 6, 2009)

1nurse said:


> What kind of husband takes a phone number from a woman at a bar? That should say everything right there.


I know, I am thinking the same. 

He went out with his friend, his friends girlfriend too, with a friend of hers. Drinking and talking and then she gave him her number.......My husband never went out, until he had this guy from work asking him to come along so since november they went out 3 times and I was pissed. He met her in the Beginning of December (thats what he told me). Well, the last time he went out, I said I was going out too, he didnt believe me. So I was watching him what he was doing at the club, but she wasn't there. His friends girlfriend was............


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## T-Dub (Feb 2, 2009)

Whats that famous quote, "Once a woman scorned" Pardon the statement but man he has got "Balls" doing this! Sorry


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

well Cloudy, I can honestly say, I have been approached, and at the beginning I thought it was fun.

But like your hubby said, I could not do this to my wife or kids, I am a bigger person then that. I can have sex with my wife anytime, no need to hide it or do whatever...

I always viewed affairs as a waste of time and money and it can only hurt you in the end.

I even had one woman grab me and told me she is dying to give me a BJ, "I replied, wow that's awesome!" then the lady said, "well?" I said, " oh I am sorry, it's locked up and my wife's got the key!" she wasn't to happy with that response but I had a good laugh and ordered another beer.

I imagine your hubby got caught up in this and know it was stupid, hopefully he never crossed the line.

I wish you the best darlin


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

GASoccerman,

You actually had a woman at a bar tell you she is dying to give you a BJ???? Wow, there are real quality women at bars. I think when I'm ready to start dating again I shall steer clear of the bar scene. What a skank!!! Loved your response though. Your wife is a lucky woman.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Nurse, actually it was a female co-worker, a group of us went out for drinks after work one day, she had a little too much to drink, and she really opened up.

the real sad part is she is married as well...

things were a bit akward for a while after that. BUt something that happens very rarely and for the record peeps, I even told my wife about it, which made her slightly upset, but I told my wife she has no need to worry, and she doesn't


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## cloudy (Feb 6, 2009)

@GASoccerman 

:smthumbup: Good choice!!


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## cloudy (Feb 6, 2009)

so things have changed a little. I investigated a little more and unfortunately is very obvious, that they had sex. 
It happened twice...........

First time, he told me he had to go study at the library. He left a little before 4 and he gave her a call at 3.53.......... before I only knew about the call............so he said she called him, that she was in town......he came home at 7.30
Well, that day he also purchased a pre-paid visa card.............

2nd time. 10 days later.........he told me he to stay at work later, because they are rotating and it was this time. Bad luck, he purchased another prepaid visa card.

He just hasn't come clean yet. And he is so stuck to his version, that nothing happened yet..................how can I approach him............I feel like he is the one, that needs help...........OMG............This is so crazy

Thank ya'll for any advice again


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Sorry to hear your worst fears have been confirmed. You should confront him. You need to get everything out in the open. I don't know how women ( I use the term loosely) can look themselves in the mirror having affairs with married men. Or getting involved with a married man. That should speak volumes pertaining to their moral character. I know if it were me, his bags would be packed out on the porch when he gets home from work along with a note telling him if this skank is what he wants go for it loser. I know it hurts and it's very difficult to go it alone but TIME is a wonderful healer along with a great therapist. Either way, you'll have your dignity back and you'll get off this rollercoaster you've been on. Whatever decision you make I wish you the best of luck.


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## cloudy (Feb 6, 2009)

Why is he so convinced, that nothing happened, if it is so obvious to me!! He even said he will take a lie detector test to proof that he is not guilty......


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

cloudy said:


> Well, it is really difficult.............
> He said, okay lets go ahead and change numbers. I responded to him "we can change numbers all we want, if she is on your mind" he responded in a angry way "that she has never been in his head"........Hmmmmmmm......


Well in my experience men (and women) who get angry in these situations are hiding something. In my case H texted this woman a lot, I found out and said its inappropriate and needs to stop. He was not angry, he apologized said he never looked at it that way, she texted him, he responded and shouldn't have. Phone records indicated she always texted him first, he'd respond etc. He never initiated. There communication stopped entirely but then fast forward a few months she initiates contact, texting starts. I find out asked him to stop now he's angry. Said "its not like that". Every little thing I find out just like that woman's text to your H, my H has an explanation for. 

The signs keep growing and the more I ask the more angry he becomes. Eventually turns it on me and says its my fault he's not happy I never focus on myself (translation gained a few pounds), I work too much (in my defense, I didn't want to be foreclosed on and my salary prevented that!), and leave most of the caretaking of the kids to him (reality see last point and I contributed AT LEAST 50%). 

Fast forward...affair is confirmed I asked him to leave and now that we are woring it out he is being honest with me and himself. 

He said the anger came from redirecting the guilt he felt to me. The blame he placed on me, was also a redirect. He feels insanely ashamed of what he said to me and it left scars which he said he will never forget for the rest of his life. It snowballed and even when he realized the affair made him more unhappy he did not know how to end it and wasn't going to confess. The guilty always look for others to blame. 

So chances are you confront him with you found out, he will explain it away and be angry. He probably still won't admit it and he's proven he's a very good lawyer. Hey maybe they only take prepaid visas at the library! 

If you choose to work it out then the first thing is he needs to admit what he has done and come clean. Also all contact with her must stop. If not, then its time for you to move on. Don't put up with him cheating on you! You deserve better.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> I even had one woman grab me and told me she is dying to give me a BJ, "I replied, wow that's awesome!" then the lady said, "well?" I said, " oh I am sorry, it's locked up and my wife's got the key!" she wasn't to happy with that response but I had a good laugh and ordered another beer.


:rofl:

I bet she never had that response before! Good for you.


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