# Lost Respect for Husband and Can't Move Forward



## MariaR

Hello -

This is my first time to visit this forum and thought it couldn't hurt to post. Sorry this is going to be lengthy, but do hope you can help me get some clarity. 

When I started dating my 2nd husband I told him the reasons behind the divorce (my ex was a sex-addict) and my choosing to be a single mother because I was the one who left. I am very close to my kids who are now teenagers/young adults and was able to be a better mother to them by living true to myself. Don't get me wrong... I'm not a prude but just couldn't live that lifestyle nor with a man that I didn't like or respect.

My (current) husband was a long-time bachelor with no kids. We got along great and he quickly and easily took on the role of a friend/male role model and eventually father figure to the kids. It was something he always wanted for himself but said he never found the right woman. Mind you, at the time he was a "typical" bachelor... drank a lot, smoked pot regularly, watched a lot of porn. He was also a successful businessman and thought that once he settled down, he knew this behavior would have to change. I thought he was a good guy, a smart and thoughtful man... but just a big kid at heart.

I did set some boundaries but didn't want to be totally controlling (I figured he's a grown up, right??) and we'd figure out in time if we could find that mutual love and respect needed in order to have a more serious relationship. We loved each other, were inseparable, and he proved himself over and over again as a father-figure. We ended up getting married. 

I knew some of his old behaviors continued but figured it would take some time to get everything out of his system. I had a difficult delivery when I gave birth to our son. After coming home I caught him watching porn. I was really hurt and told him that was unnacceptable and disrespectful considering everything I went through to give him his own biological son and even in my first marriage. Rather than apologizing he said I was carrying baggage and that all men do it, and that I knew he did it and was being unfair. He continued to say these through the years (now going on 10) after getting caught many times and my telling him to "knock it off". He was just say that I have self-esteem issues. He had also hidden well into several years of our marriage that he was still getting high... yeah, call me a bit naive... and that my kids were the ones that found his pipe. 

The porn continued all the time. But rather than an addiction, I felt he was using it to punish me... that I had asked him to give up his bachelor life to live with all of these rules and restrictions. I also have a problem with a few of his friends (not our mutual ones, but his married friends from before he and I ever met). They consistently show little respect for their wives, talking down about them and constantly talking about other women. He was disrespectful, childish, self-absorbed, mean-spirited, bully-ish, and negative on a daily basis. 

I finally put my foot down and told him to leave. I said I deserved better and wasn't putting up with his sh** anymore. He cried and apologized "from the bottom of his heart". He said me and the kids were the most important things in the world. I gave him one last chance but told him he had to fix this. So now it's been a year and though the porn has stopped and he's trying to address some of his behaviors, I don't feel his attitude has changed. Example: we went to marriage counseling and after the 1st session said that he didn't get the results he wanted, that we focused on old issues and really just wanted the therapist to tell me that I was being unreasonable. Another example: his friends come out to play the "single" life, go to strip clubs, etc., and when they came out a couple of months ago my husband couldn't understand why I didn't want to have sex with him when he came home that night. He turned it around saying that I hurt his feelings! I told him one of his friends was a total dealbreaker... he's a real douche of a person... and their other friend told him it was a real shame he couldn't control his wife (me)! And yeah, these are all very successful men in the business world!

In conclusion, though I see my husband being a little nicer, helping more around the house, etc., I don't know how to make myself love or respect him again. I've told him for so many years and he's disregarded my feelings and completely turned things around that I'm also to blame. Yeah, I am to blame and I'm angry at myself... for not putting my foot down earlier, for being so busy with work and kids to really look at the signs, for enabling him to be a jerk, and for resorting to adding filters on his computer and other such nonsense... yeah, so I'm mad at myself too.

Now he tells me that if I can't "get over" the past then we'll never move forward. I tell him there's nothing to "get over". This past year was about him proving to me who he really is... if he has courage and integrity. There was a small checklist (get rid of old girlfriends' phone #s, get some individual counseling, read a damn self-help book, etc.)... but nothing... oh, except that now he does do dishes. At the end of the day, I want to feel that he's not acting like a child who just caught doing something bad and is now living out the consequences of losing his parents' trust... but rather like a grown man who is a leader of his family and a respectful partner to his wife.

We hardly talk, constantly bicker, and rarely have sex unless we've been out having fun with friends. In fact, when we're with other people we get along great! It's just when we're alone that it's glaringly obvious that we are no longer connected. Is this enough of a reason to get a divorce? I'm sorry this was so lengthy, and appreciate your thoughts.


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## Sanity

From reading your post there definitely seems to be some anger and resentment from your past marriage and your current one. 

From your post I also conclude that your husband has not matured enough to be in a marriage. You seem to have a teenager son instead of husband hence the controlling tone of your comments. 

Ultimately only you can decide what you are willing to put up with. Its not fair for you to try and change and control your husband hoping that he becomes your perfect ideal husband. Its unrealistic and as probable as you turning an ice sculpture back into the original block of ice in the middle of the Arizona dessert. People are who they are and they rarely change unless they wrap their car around a tree and see God.

In a nutshell you are the only one who can decide what you will put up with and "pick your battles". Is porn a deal breaker? Well then tell him ONCE and if it continues then leave. Otherwise you are controlling and a nag. No man wants a nag.


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## Heartbroken007

Hello, Yes, I do believe it's a dealbreaker. You sound like you have tried and tried and yet you keep getting deeper and deeper into resentment. He is not able to be a committed partner. He is not doing the "work" needed for a happy marriage. And yes for that reason, you need to move forward. You would hate to look back and say you dragged it on how many more years before you finally broke it off. Good luck


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## alphaomega

Well, 

I'm torn on this one. You knew he did pot and watched porn BEFORE you got married. And what? You just thought he would magically stop doing this with you, because deep in your mind you wished it? Did you tell him, before the marriage, that the only way this marriage would work IF he stopped the pot and porn? Or was it one of your own unwritten contracts on your own mind, and now that it still hasn't magically happened you've become bitter.

Now, he's probably not perfect. He probably does have some behaviors that are love busters, because, well, he's a human being, and two separate human beings are trying to coexist together. 

Also...how do you ask him? Is it nagging? Guys have some sort of gene in them that, as soon as it's a nag, we do the opposite. 

Thev stripper thing...hmmm. I don't know. If he just came home from the supermarket, and was totally horn3y for you, would that be different? Probably, right? But what if it was because he saw a sexy chick in a miniskirt that got him aroused. Would you still deny him then? You know what? Guys get hard at the sight of a beautiful woman. But you really want to know who w are fking in our minds after seeing said hottie? Our hot wife! 

Some of what you are angry about may in fact not be deal breakers at all. But only you can decide if they are, or if your being unreasonable, or if you are totally justified in this. I mean, it's your happiness, and everyone deserves to be happy, as long as no one gets hurt by our pursuit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MariaR

Wow!! For my first post I guess I must have hit a button because it sounds like two men just called me a nag. Nice forum and really classy...

I try hard not to "nag" because that would mean I've resorted to being his mother. No thanks. I have children. That's the point. He was supposed to be the other half of the adult relationship, not another child whom I have to either give praise to for minimal effort or scold after "breaking the rules".

Before getting married I loved going on girls' trips, going dancing, hanging out with the guys for poker night... all in good fun. After getting married, I rarely ever unless I could say for certain that nothing inappropriate or disrespectful would happen. And being with my same friends, I couldn't always guarantee that. So it goes both ways. But did he ever find it necessary to tell me. Because I'm a grown up. 

I told him specifically about the pot smoking and the porn. If I had to tell him every single time, question him on his activities and whereabout, then that's being a nag. So does a respectful husband wait til his wife turns into a nag and keep sneaking around, or does he just make the adult decision.

If you told me you 1st marriage ended because he/she was an alcoholic, and you knew you were a heavy drinker, would you fess up?? Wouldn't you think, out of respect, this is something that deserves some attention. So now you're married and your spouse finds an excuse to drink and party every other night (whatever, if you're single... but now you're married with kids). If I call you on it, am I a nag?? Then to act as if you're drinking problem is because of me? 'coz that's kinda what I'm hearing in this forum. 

I'm not expecting my husband to be perfect. I have a whole lot on that list he could pick apart as well. But there are some things... the disrespect and lying part of it that makes it really hard to look at him the same way.

We talked the other day and told him it was unfair of me to expect him to change. He had to decide if he was still "that guy", otherwise, show me who he is. Though his words say one thing, his attitude and irritation said another. I told him was perfectly fine just who he is. Unfortunately, I have changed for the sake of my marriage and my family and want the same kind of effort and consideration from my husband. I told him I was tired of being mad and resentful... and that I was done... emotions checked out.


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## lotusgal

alphaomega said:


> Well,
> 
> I'm torn on this one. You knew he did pot and watched porn BEFORE you got married. And what? You just thought he would magically stop doing this with you, because deep in your mind you wished it? Did you tell him, before the marriage, that the only way this marriage would work IF he stopped the pot and porn? Or was it one of your own unwritten contracts on your own mind, and now that it still hasn't magically happened you've become bitter.
> 
> Now, he's probably not perfect. He probably does have some behaviors that are love busters, because, well, he's a human being, and two separate human beings are trying to coexist together.
> 
> Also...how do you ask him? Is it nagging? Guys have some sort of gene in them that, as soon as it's a nag, we do the opposite.
> 
> Thev stripper thing...hmmm. I don't know. If he just came home from the supermarket, and was totally horn3y for you, would that be different? Probably, right? But what if it was because he saw a sexy chick in a miniskirt that got him aroused. Would you still deny him then? You know what? Guys get hard at the sight of a beautiful woman. But you really want to know who w are fking in our minds after seeing said hottie? Our hot wife!
> 
> Some of what you are angry about may in fact not be deal breakers at all. But only you can decide if they are, or if your being unreasonable, or if you are totally justified in this. I mean, it's your happiness, and everyone deserves to be happy, as long as no one gets hurt by our pursuit.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MariaR

sorry... I guess it struck a nerve in me as well. I do appreciate your advice and perspective. But husband and wives can't be enemies on these subjects. Isn't it about mutual love and respect? Then what do you do when it's one sided?


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## lotusgal

I am new at this forum, but WOW .... My issues exactly, plus add on seasonal affective disorder, booze and a bipolar step daughter. Guys I know have theri perspective and easily justfy porn addiction based on societies condoning it.

Loss of respect for my husband has been the core issue for me, somehow it always gets turned around into me being the one with the problem, even in coucilling he quickly turns to anger and let's me have it way harsher than when we are alone. I have recently thrown in the towel because addicts are basically narcissistic . Unless they want true change in his heart it is true, I am wasting my breath and effort and now can be relegated to the status of "nag". Difference being with this "nag" stuff got said a few times, thought more times, then acted upon when I felt it innappropriate that he be in our room masturbating to graphic porn of girls my daughters age while she is down the hall in her room and I am out at yoga trying to sweat my resentments away. Nope. 

Plus there were the lies about quitting pot, the going to the bar while I was sleeping, the "tone" when questioned .

Anyway, men have differnt brains than women and although our society frowns on burkas and other cultures ways of supressing womens true beauty and power, it's attitude to pornography ands it's degradation of women, especially young ones remains culturally acceptable. Yuk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## reachingshore

I am probably sidetracking.. but this is what struck me.

How exactly does one define adulthood? You basically say that an adult person doesn't have fun, doesn't occasionally smoke pot, doesn't drink alcohol, etc... and since your husband does all that, he is not an adult, thus you treat him like a kid, thus you don't respect him.

When one a kid, one is told that they are not allowed to do all those things until they turn 18 or 21.

Have you thought about you relationship this way: You are a mother, you have all these responsibilities, and you got buried in them. You treat life as a series of obligations, responsibilities, duties, oh so serious. I understand how you got there, I really do. I am not a mother yet, but I can see this will most likely happen to me too.

Thing is, as cliche as it sounds, life is not all about seriousness. Relationship between a man and a woman cannot be all about seriousness. It's gonna die otherwise. I mean, yes, let's be serious about each other, but also let's have fun together.

Maybe if you allow yourself to lighten up a bit, you will be able to look at him as a partner and thus regain respect for him.


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## akcroy

Agree with @reachingshore - who btw can be guaranteed to bring up the metaphysical


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## reachingshore

Metaphysical? LOL

More like I wish my husband and I had (more) fun. We got married and since then there's been a never-ending parade of priorities. It's always something or the other that's more important. Or more important to him, maybe? I don't know.

It's not like he prefers to be that way (I think). It's just there's always something or the other that I grudgingly have to admit even to myself should be done first. And there never seems to be any time left for "fun". 

He had "fun", he had time for "fun", before he met me. I didn't and I don't regret that - I just thought I would have "fun", with him.

It's frustrating.


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## Niceguy13

RS despite other things going on in my marriage this one also seems to be a key factor for DW. She felt crowded and choked in by responsibilities. I got married with the intention of starting a family and commiting to a fmaily so I was naturaly putting stuff in that priority. Yes honey I would love to go that concert but first we need to pay these bills.... where as she missed her old single and carefree life. Has resulted in one case of exploring sexuality incident (her not me) an emotional affair with person she was having sexual exploration with (me not her) and one case of an EA and most likley a PA that has resulted in her wanting a divorce (her not me)


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## reachingshore

Niceguy13.. What can I say.. it's been almost 10 years now and I still feel that same pull and yearning toward him that I felt the day I met him. On one hand how great is that, on the other - how pathetic LOL It's been 10 years, for crying out loud! Shouldn't that dissipate even just a bit? LOL I can't imagine doing things with anybody else but him - the fun I supposedly missed by not living the single life longer.

I don't resent him. I certainly don't punish him for it in any way. I know that duties come first before pleasure. I suppose I just feel sorry for myself


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## Niceguy13

Haha now if only you were my wife I kid I kid. Well to a degree I kid. I think not being ready for marriage on her part has made a large contribution to where we are coupled with my not understanding why she wasn't in the marriage (I came off as a controlling, over-protective jealous man which I am really none of these she just kept making me feel insecure and feeding me these emotions and I allowed it)


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## alphaomega

Maria,

I'm not calling you a Nag. I'm just giving a different perspective on things, maybe more for you to think about.

There is nothing wrong with the way your feeling. They are YOUR feeling, and they are 100 percent correct. This stuff really bothers you, and they are sucking the love out of you. For that reason alone they have to be fixed. The way to fix them though, is the tough part. Which is of course why you are here. You will get a lot of perspectives here. Some will make way more sense to you in your own head. Others you can ignore. That's why this site is so awesome.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MariaR

Thanks for all of your posts and lending your perspective. Again, I am new here and in feeling a bit backed into a corner, came out charging at those of you who, to me, sounded more like you were defending my husband than understanding my perspective.

Also nice to know I'm not the only one out there who is struggling at the point of an impasse.

For the most part, I didn't care if my husband drank a lot, smoked pot, watched porn or went to strip bars... I thought, whatever, if it was the exception to the rule, on occasion. But when I've got older kids and my husband's coming home stoned, falling over drunk or jerking off to girls barely older than my own girls regularly and sometimes to just punish me for not having sex with him or for "nagging", somehow it makes me wonder why I worked so hard to be a good mom or a good wife for that matter, if he was just going to not care or love our marriage enough to at least address these. If you're single, no kids, different scenario. 

Let's be honest. We look down at those parents who raise rotten kids or who are plain rotten role models themselves... as long as it's someone we don't personally know. But when it's staring you in the face you don't get to say anything?? If you do then you're controlling or acting like a mom?

I didn't get married again so I could mother another child. I thought he was bringing out the best in me and vice versa. Isn't that the way it should be or am I just too naive? I've always been a fun-loving, carefree, go with the flow type of person... even after kids. i always figured life would work itself out and no one was ever as bad as our imaginations could conjur them up to be. But by not setting boundaries early in my marriage(s) and thinking he'd figured it out, I ended up wasting many good years and losing that carefree attitude. My attempt at figuring this out myself is so that I don't lose the real me... my identity, my dignity, etc... and end up that perpetual "nag". Because as of today I've lost respect for my husband, and every day that goes by that I am still here with issues he still can't understand, fix, or even admit to, I lose respect for myself.

Can you really move forward without resolving serious issues? And is it worth it in the long run to just agree to disagree, forgive and forget?


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## MariaR

I also was not sending mixed messages. I have high expectations with my kids too. They are great, we laugh a lot, do a lot of family things, have family dinners. Teenagers (boys and girls) and when they come home from school they come into my (home) office and tell me about their day, drama, gf/bfs etc. I never ask them about homework, harp on them about computer or TV time, texting, they don't have curfews, etc. But they know that they better have A's and B's and not get into any trouble or all those privileges goes away. They've figured out that life works so much better when we live with mutual respect, love and support, and show true efforts. They're teenagers, and still even they get it. My husband has been with us for almost 10 years and I really have to explain this stuff to him??

Say you've been working hard over the years on restoring a classic car that's been sitting in the garage... for sentiment, investment, whatever... but it's something very important to you. I know this going into the marriage. Now let's say I'm also a bit clutsy and a bit neglectful but insist that I always park my car in the garage, because I always have, and want to park it next to your "baby". I make promises after promises but always seem to ding it one way or another. At what point would you be pissed? At what point do you offer a resolution, and who gives in? What if my attitude was, "boy a little sensitive are we", and maybe make sure the next ding makes just a bit bigger impression.

For the sake of peace I now park my car in the driveway. But every chance I get I'm going to make sure you know just how inconvenient it is, how selfish you are, etc., after all we're all creatures of habit and you asked me to change mine. Yeah, I understand the whole classic car thing and think it's pretty cool having one. So here you are 10 years later. Wishing you didn't have to state the obvious... please don't ding my car... and that you had to become a "nag" in order for things to resolve. I know it's a simplified version and not dealing with "dealbreaker" type issues, but geez... is that really worth being married? Are you sitting around going "woo-hoo"... I get to live with that for the next 40 years!!!


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