# My story



## keepmyfamily (Nov 16, 2012)

I have been lurking for a few weeks and finally decided to take the plunge and register. I enjoy reading your stories, and the wisdom that comes from most of you is so refreshing. 

My story in short:

We have been together going on 9 years, married for 5.5, I have a child from a previous relationship and we have 3 kids together.

We have had our share of ups and downs, but have always come out stronger. We are a military family, he is stationed about 2 hours from our home and we see him on the weekends. We stayed behind because if we weren't able to rent our house out, we would not be able to make the payment and pay rent, the schools are better and one of our kids (soon to be 2 of them) have weekly appointments with specialists. 

About 6-9 months ago my husband started becoming more negative (always been a glass is half empty person), coming home and spending a lot of time on his phone/computer, and being short with us. His job went from being busy to manning a desk (strike one), he doesn't like most of the people he works with (strike 2), and he is alone and missing home all week (strike 3).

I started taking his lack of involvement at home personally and fought, pleaded and said some not so nice things. He suggested MC and I said no- hoping we could pull through like always. When I finally saw that wasn't going to work, I agreed to counseling and now he has flipped and says he wants nothing to do with me (or the kids) and for the first time (this weekend) did not come home. He says he just wants to be alone and sleep. I have been doing a lot of reading the past couple of weeks on saving marriages, depression, etc. and I fully accept him staying away this weekend for him to have "time." 

Divorce and been thrown back and forth by both of us over the past few months and he is now adamant that this is what he wants. I think it the depression that's talking. This is NOT my husband. He says he's standing by his decision and not budging, but then has moments where he talks about our future, us needing to communicate better, etc. 

We have our first MC appointment next week and I'm hoping he can be open enough to working on himself and us. And, I am actually excited to learn on how to stop taking things so personally. 

We have way too much to lose if we divorce and so much to gain if we stay married. I love this man and always will.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

There is no formula to stop you from taking things personally. It is simply a decision you make and follow through on. 

My advice is stop throwing around the D word and if it is thrown by the other party don't respond in kind.

Someone always has to take the brunt of these things. Make a decision to be that person short term to allow this to defuse. I had to be that person in my marriage for a very long time but it was worth it in the end.

After the initial anger wears off then try the MC route but at first things just need to calm down.


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## keepmyfamily (Nov 16, 2012)

Thank you. Reading articles and other people's stories and gaining the other side's perspective on things has helped tremendously so far. 

I have figured out that I was taking things personally because I thought it was me that was the cause. I have since learned that his depression is a demon within himself and he needs to work on that (with support of course). But, at the end of the day, it helps knowing what is the cause of what is wrong and to be able to (hopefully) move forward from there.


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## TheEruditeOne (Nov 12, 2012)

Hi, Keepmyfamily! Let me begin by saluting you in your service to our country! Without the love and support of a soldier's spouse and family--their job would be even more challenging than it already is. Thank you for your service! 

I love your user name; it really speaks to your sincerity and the love that you have for your spouse and the family. 

Remember, the family is a unit and all members are valuable; a delicate balance must be kept between the spouses. There may be an imbalance in this area. Self control, you must practice it. You are accountable for your words; and, you don't have to say everything that you think. I sense that there may be a lot of hear only what you want to hear. Learn to practice active and reflective listening rather than selective listening. You may hear some of the
message and immediately begin to formulate your reply or second guess the speaker without waiting for the speaker to finish. You must practice listening to content/intent and block out barriers to listening. Practice being non-judgmental and empathetic in conversations with your spouse--this will promote mutual understanding. 

Many blessings to you and your family. I hope this helps a bit. Keep us posted on the progress!

TEO


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