# Affair with Stripper



## KG02223 (Nov 8, 2012)

Okay so I am married for 8 years and this is my second marriage. I married by best friend love of my life. About 4 weeks ago I started experiencing issues with my body itching and burning type of thing after I would have sex with my husband. i figured it would a UTI or something of that sort. But when my husband would travel everything would be go away. The moment he returned and we would again be intimate I would again have these symptoms. I had to talk to him. One because my first marriage my ex was unfaithful and the symptoms I was having were much like it was before. I mustered up the courage to ask my husband if he had been with someone else. I explained why and what was going on. He said no. We were on our way out when we first talked. After a nice evening and heading back in the car my husband said he wanted to talk. My heart sank. I could not believe he had done this to us. He said he had been away on a trip. He was lonely and went out to a club. He watched this girl dance and asked to go back in a private room with her. She danced more and before he knew it he had sex with her. He said it was the only time ever and would be the last. It has been two weeks since I found out this awful truth. I went to the doctor and found out I have a STD. I also am waiting for my HIV test among others to come back. I am so hurt. It truly feels as though someone has died. We agreed we should work this out. I would like that. Yet I am experiencing so many emotions and totally depressed. I could sleep all day and night. Doctor gave me ativan for my anxiety. This is just terrible. I can not believe he did this to me. I really do not know what to think or feel. The first week I spent fixing him. He was very upset and very sorry for his actions. Yesterday I told him I am sick of spending time healing him when I am pretty well lost and on my own. He is trying. But again I am up, down, mad as hell, and all across the board. To make it worse this whole thing made me sick physically and LORD knows what this person has. I may have HIV! FOR CHRIST SAKE! You would think the world condom would come up.. No the only thing that did was his penis! Sorry I know that is crude but it is how I feel. I am sick at the thought of it all. How does one get past this? How on earth can I do this again? My ex was always doing this and this was the one thing I said I would not want to do again. But I am here again so now what? I just want to go to sleep and sleep this away. I really do. I am so sad. I have not told anyone because if I am going to make this work my parents have always said "DONT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE OTHER YOU MAY WANT US TO FORGIVE AND FORGET." So I do not have that option.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

IS that what you want to reconcile ?? if so I would suggest getting into some type of marriage counseling is your husband pulling his weight as far as the one nite stand thing goes ? He should be willing to do anything to help you get through this if he is serious about willing to work on things and not just rug sweep. Do you feel going forward you can trust your husband ?? I would suggest finding a close girl friend or family member that you could run things by on and keep yourself open to sharing things with them. If your willing and he is willing you have a pretty good shot at reconciliation ?? Do you thank he has told you all the truth ?? 


Good Luck and keep posting anything these folks help alot of people


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am so sorry you're here.  Sadly there are many of us.

Please read the newbie link in my signature. There are very specific things your husband must do, and you too. 

Unless you let him go and learn how to be happy without him, you cannot be happy with him. Read up on The 180. Unless you know you'll be OK without him, you will never be happy with him. 

Personally I think if my hubby had given me an STD we'd be split right now. I don't think I could have gotten past that.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Cheater lie, he was forced to "confess" due the UTI (he knew it was probably a STD). He always give the more patalable, less damaging, bare minimun info. It's damage control.
He travels a lot.
OW might be or not an stripper. 

The "alegued" ONS is way more than a ONS. Tip of iceberg.

Think about it: If you pass an STD to your wife what could be the less damaging scenario? Of course, "one time incident", faceless-could be any OW, he didn't go for it, happened due alcohol in a wrong environment...

Get a hold to the phone bill.

I'm so sorry, friend.


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## Foghorn (Sep 10, 2012)

I just want to offer a hug and say I'm sorry you are here. Betrayal is a worse pain than anyone can know, unless they've been through it.

I'd say you're on track for MC as long as this truly was a "one-of" incident. Problem is, you don't know that it was.

It is very difficult to rebuild trust. I worry for you that there were (and are) many more... once again hugs and hope that you feel better. 

Stay with us - many others have kind, thoughtful advice.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

KG02223 said:


> *About 4 weeks ago I started experiencing issues with my body itching and burning type of thing after I would have sex with my husband. i figured it would a UTI or something of that sort. But when my husband would travel everything would be go away. The moment he returned and we would again be intimate I would again have these symptoms.*
> .


^^^^^^^^
This.
You need to find out the correct version of the " truth",
Before you settle for his version of the truth.

Everytime he travels, you get infected.

BTW, Strippers* DO NOT HAVE SEX WITHOUT CONDOMS.*

Not saying that the stripper was " clean." I am saying that most likely,
He *did not* have sex with a stripper in a strip joint.
It may have been another woman.


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

(((((((hugs)))))))

I agree with the previous posters..... This is just the tip of the iceberg. 

He is only confessing to the scenario with the best possible outcome for him. 

Read up on Trickle Truth


You have the strength to overcome this. You've done it before.


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## countrybumpkin (Nov 8, 2012)

Although he admitted to sleeping with someone, it does seem unlikely that it was a stripper in a club. It DOES happen, but not as often as you would think. There are fines, rules, and regulations...my sister in law is a stripper (did I just admit that?). If you were experiencing these symptoms every time he traveled, you need to consider the possibility that it was either the same woman over and over or a prostitute. If the symptoms were the exact same every time, I am betting there was someone he was sleeping with regularly on these trips. 

I am incredibly sorry that this happened to you. Sometimes people do not think about the full extent of the consequences of their actions. These days STDs run rampant. They are so easy to catch and a few of them are deadly. So, when a partner makes that split decision to sleep with someone else, they could potentially be killing themselves and you slowly with a disease.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

KG02223 said:


> Okay so I am married for 8 years and this is my second marriage. I married by best friend love of my life. About 4 weeks ago I started experiencing issues with my body itching and burning type of thing after I would have sex with my husband. i figured it would a UTI or something of that sort. But when my husband would travel everything would be go away. The moment he returned and we would again be intimate I would again have these symptoms. I had to talk to him. One because my first marriage my ex was unfaithful and the symptoms I was having were much like it was before. I mustered up the courage to ask my husband if he had been with someone else. I explained why and what was going on. He said no. We were on our way out when we first talked. After a nice evening and heading back in the car my husband said he wanted to talk. My heart sank. I could not believe he had done this to us. He said he had been away on a trip. He was lonely and went out to a club. He watched this girl dance and asked to go back in a private room with her. She danced more and before he knew it he had sex with her. He said it was the only time ever and would be the last. It has been two weeks since I found out this awful truth. I went to the doctor and found out I have a STD. I also am waiting for my HIV test among others to come back. I am so hurt. It truly feels as though someone has died. We agreed we should work this out. I would like that. Yet I am experiencing so many emotions and totally depressed. I could sleep all day and night. Doctor gave me ativan for my anxiety. This is just terrible. I can not believe he did this to me. I really do not know what to think or feel. The first week I spent fixing him. He was very upset and very sorry for his actions. Yesterday I told him I am sick of spending time healing him when I am pretty well lost and on my own. He is trying. But again I am up, down, mad as hell, and all across the board. To make it worse this whole thing made me sick physically and LORD knows what this person has. I may have HIV! FOR CHRIST SAKE! You would think the world condom would come up.. No the only thing that did was his penis! Sorry I know that is crude but it is how I feel. I am sick at the thought of it all. How does one get past this? How on earth can I do this again? My ex was always doing this and this was the one thing I said I would not want to do again. But I am here again so now what? I just want to go to sleep and sleep this away. I really do. I am so sad. I have not told anyone because if I am going to make this work my parents have always said "DONT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE OTHER YOU MAY WANT US TO FORGIVE AND FORGET." So I do not have that option.



You have had the STD a lot longer then you think.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Sorry he got busted, and now you are helping HIM through this? Urgh.

What is he going to do to make sure this never happens again?

Is he willing to look for another job that doesn't involve travel? Give you unlimited access to all his electronic devices and emails etc?

Is he willing to tell the whole truth and take responsibility like a man? 

I am sorry you are going through this, good luck.


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## KG02223 (Nov 8, 2012)

Thank you Thank you Thank you. There is much to think about and believe me I am. I appreciate all your advice and suggestions. Believe me they are not any I have not had myself. I think the counseling is important. i am not sure if we will survive. I have no idea right now. It is all fresh and I am trying to deal myself. There are four kids in this house also so I am trying very hard to keep it together so they have no idea what is happening. I do appreciate all your replies and I thank you all for hearing me out and allowing me to vent a bit and I greatly appreciate all your responses. It really does help and means alot to me right now.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

boogie110 said:


> Your husband is a sex addict...He has sex with women who take money for sex from men who will pay them for sex....sex addict....
> 
> Now, go to a certified sex addiction counselor if you want to try and work it out. Go to COSA - help for partners of sex addicts - 12 steps. Get him to do a full disclosure with polygraph.
> 
> You are not new or unique...You are fine.You just need to get this done immediately. Thank Gawd you are getting medical attention. Now he must play your game and thank god you found out so early, if you want to stay. S-Anon is a must for you also now. You must do all this. He is a sex addict and you are a partner of a sex addict and there is a lot you don't know...POLYGRAPH AND DISCLOSURE is what you need. Trust me. You cannot trust your husband. One more time. YOU CANNOT TRUST YOUR HUSBAND. HE IS AN ADDICT.


think we're jumping the gun on this "sex addict" diagnosis, she doesn't know how many times he has done this and to what extent. Also no where in her post (i could be wrong) does it say he had sex with her for money....sure he probably paid for the dance but having sex with her is something totally different. 

contrary to popular belief there are strippers that do not cross the line no matter what the offer is.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

Caribbean Man said:


> ^^^^^^^^
> This.
> You need to find out the correct version of the " truth",
> Before you settle for his version of the truth.
> ...


uhhh yeah sorry caribbean unfortunately there are strippers that have sex without condoms.....sad yes but true! Not that I know first-hand but in my younger/wilder/single days visiting these clubs was a past-time and while I never had the courage to sleep with them friends of mine did and i know for darn sure they had nothing in their wallets but ID :rofl:


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

ladybird said:


> You have had the STD a lot longer then you think.


I was about to type this. You experienced onset of symptoms in your first marriage.

So it's likely you were initially infected then.

If not, you may have been infected earlier than this latest trip he went on.

Either way hang in there. It will get better.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

dblkman said:


> uhhh yeah sorry caribbean unfortunately there are strippers that have sex without condoms.....sad yes but true! Not that I know first-hand but in my younger/wilder/single days visiting these clubs was a past-time and while I never had the courage to sleep with them friends of mine did and i know for darn sure they had nothing in their wallets but ID :rofl:


Although I've never partaken, I know of strippers who offer this "service" condom free.

Men who stick their junk in that petri dish are very brave and very stupid. I like my junk. I'm attached to it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

dblkman said:


> think we're jumping the gun on this "sex addict" diagnosis


:iagree: People throw the term sex addict around indiscriminately and they shouldn't. My husband IS a sex addict, and from what the OP knows right now there's NO indication hers is.


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## Speed (Dec 9, 2011)

boogie110 said:


> My husband's a sex addict and it started with porn/strippers. Any man who said he had sex once with a stripper without a condom is lying. You can all believe the one time. I understand the whole stripper thing, then the sex with a stripper?You really think that happened the first and only time he saw a stripper. Whatever. I will throw around sex addict when I see it. You can dismiss it all you want. If she decides to go to a certified sex addiction therapist and do the whole disclosure with poly, then she will see what she is really dealing with. You can all believe he is just a guy who cheated once. From a stripper. Once. And got an STD. Once. How many times does it take to have sex with strippers or anyone outside of marriage before you call someone a sex addict - or as in one of Carnes books: how many affairs does it take to be a sex addict - same thing....


Woah.. talk about projecting your own issues onto someone else..


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

boogie110 said:


> Your husband is a sex addict...He has sex with women who take money for sex from men who will pay them for sex....sex addict....
> 
> Now, go to a certified sex addiction counselor if you want to try and work it out. Go to COSA - help for partners of sex addicts - 12 steps. Get him to do a full disclosure with polygraph.
> 
> You are not new or unique...You are fine.You just need to get this done immediately. Thank Gawd you are getting medical attention. Now he must play your game and thank god you found out so early, if you want to stay. S-Anon is a must for you also now. You must do all this. He is a sex addict and you are a partner of a sex addict and there is a lot you don't know...POLYGRAPH AND DISCLOSURE is what you need. Trust me. You cannot trust your husband. One more time. YOU CANNOT TRUST YOUR HUSBAND. HE IS AN ADDICT.


This is the second time you gave this asinine advice. Are you a psychologist? Have you interviewed him? What do you know that the rest of us don't? Is every person who has a ONS or visits a sex worker a sex addict?

So lacking all this, it is you making crap up. I am reminded of the Church ladies who find ANY porn in the house and immediately accuse the man of being a porn addict.

I agree this guy did wrong, but when you append the word 'addict' to someone, it's incredibly damaging and frankly is also an excuse. "Addicts" can't help themselves. I follow the more likely route of someone being selfish or having poor self control and just doing stupid hurtful crap.

The scenario you outline paints a picture in her head that she'll need to put a chastity belt and a GPS tracker on his butt...and thus hurts her alledged intents on reconcilling.

Stop with the one note psychobabble please.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

boogie110 said:


> My husband's a sex addict and it started with porn/strippers. Any man who said he had sex once with a stripper without a condom is lying. You can all believe the one time. I understand the whole stripper thing, then the sex with a stripper?You really think that happened the first and only time he saw a stripper. Whatever. I will throw around sex addict when I see it. You can dismiss it all you want. If she decides to go to a certified sex addiction therapist and do the whole disclosure with poly, then she will see what she is really dealing with. You can all believe he is just a guy who cheated once. From a stripper. Once. And got an STD. Once. How many times does it take to have sex with strippers or anyone outside of marriage before you call someone a sex addict - or as in one of Carnes books: how many affairs does it take to be a sex addict - same thing....



Ah. So having sex TWICE outside of marriage makes you a sex addict. Even if it's with the same person.

Ya'all on TAM. I have a confession to make. I see a lady...and I get this urge to rip her clothes off and have sex with her multiple times. It's uncontrollable! It has nothing to do with love or respect. It just FEELS SO DARNED GOOD. It's an addiction and I'm ashamed to have it. (Hangs head in shame)

And to make it worse, she's a cruel and vindictive woman. Just after having sex with her she'll say something cutting like "Get off of my you stupid oaf and go check on the kids."


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Maybe I'm mistaken but I thought all STIs had to be reported by physcians and the names of all partners disclosed for follow ups.

If so, the information is confidential but you might be able to question your H on this issue.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Maybe I'm mistaken but I thought all STIs had to be reported by physcians and the names of all partners disclosed for follow ups.
> 
> If so, the information is confidential but you might be able to question your H on this issue.


They do. It IS confidential. But if you asked an office manager on one of your follow up visits about how much mail went out right after your visit...

Social Hacking.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> ^^^^^^^^
> This.
> You need to find out the correct version of the " truth",
> Before you settle for his version of the truth.
> ...


A drunk or cracked out stripper might forget to use one.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

boogie110 said:


> JCD: Thank you so much - wow - now because of you and others like you I have finally seen the light. Thank you Jesus. I am so wrong. He is normal. It is normal to get an STD.
> 
> Thank you so much - you have been so helpful - you have opened my eyes.
> 
> ...


I am always happy to help.


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## LearninAsWeGo (Oct 20, 2012)

The one night stand cheaters have major personality flaws, poor values, and just aren't mature enough for marriage. He has done this many times... no question. End the relationship at all costs.

Some of the "it was just a friend" emotional affairs that turn physical happen where spouses with pretty good values (yet poor boundaries) feel pushed away from their spouse and/or sucked into an affair with a cunning affair partner are actually worth fixing... provided the cheater spouse truly is remorseful, wants the affair to end, wants to improve their boundaries, is fully committed to counseling, there's kids/finances/etc that make it extra damaging to end the marriage, and there wasn't tons of lying and sneaking going on to the point where the trust is totally shattered. The ONS cheaters like your husband are too selfish, though... boundaries are not an easy fix, but core values *can't *be fixed in adults... and he has bad values. Save yourself future problems and just end it.

Since this has happened to you twice now, you eventually have to do some real thinking. Are you rich and dating guys who are using you for that? Have you not kept up on your looks or sex frequency/technique/variety with the guys? If you said yes to one/both of those, maybe you need to quit dating out of your league and just "settle" for a more realistic partner... trying to think your kindness or money etc can make up for a true mismatch is a setup for a partner to keep searching elsewhere.

Have you skewed your priorities and put other things (career, kids, extended fam, etc) above your spouse or made him feel like you did? That's a sure way to push him away, so take what you've learned into your next relationship. However, DON'T blame yourself (trust me, he will try to get you to) for his ONS bull. He obviously puts himself first priority and will have to live with that. But that's why you should NOT bother to rebuild the trust... it will happen again since he has an unfixable malignant relationship flaw. Let it happen to someone else, not you. JMO


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