# Seperation Limbo Wanting to reconcile



## fightingstandingpraying (Mar 16, 2014)

I've been wanting to type a message here for years and just know getting the guts to do so Without going through the whole backstory Ill start 4 years ago when I first received the "i'm not in love with you" 38 yrs old kids 8 and 5 By my own admission. I'm sure my behavior wascontrolling not from the demanding side but others trying to live up to my standards of perfectionism. Floated through most daily tasks doing only what was needed as far as cleaning, picking up, children. When I heard "I'm not in love with you" It was a huge eyeopener. I changed alot but I dont feel my wife believed it was for real. 3 years ago she had a one night event/affair with someone she had meet years ago professionally but seeked him out online. No contact was rocky. stayed in touch for a few weeks then stopped a few months later contacted him more out of an aggressive nature blaming him for how so felt was feeling. but non the less breaking no contact. I changed completely after the "event" cooking cleaning taking kids to school supportive. helped her through dental hygiene school. 8 months ago after graduating school she moved out. it was a fear i had all along. she comes over most nights I do keep the kids most of the time, she typically keeps them on weekends We are in therapy, she wants us to go to therapy. says she isn't ready to give up. we still attend church together. She has stopped wearing her wedding band. Im very much in love with her. I want to save my family. 
the lmbo hurts very much. Ive made mistakes, Ive tried to fix them. I guess i'm seeking advise info from both sides. Is she hurting/ afraid to trust me again. Has she checked out on the marriage/family idea. I trust that God has a plan. Im just looking for a little patience/hope to see it through. Of course im scared of divorce papers showing up in 4 months. Everyones help is appreciated


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

From what you have said it sounds like she is willing to work on things..If there is someone else involved this will be difficult and kind of pointless. So as long as she is putting her all into trying to get to a better place im sureshe is worried and scared and also confused... but if there is someone else she is seeing then this will end in disaster for you and she is really just weighing her options while you are in limbo.. and eventually make a mockery of everything you tried to build with her.

I say that becuase I am on the other side where i tried to make a marriage work and was deceived by the one person who i thought would never do something that horrible... but these people they change... they lie.. they get cuaght and th become better at lying.

Go through with the therapy and put everything on the table 

My friend brokenhearted84 told me the other day. You have to be willing to loose this marriage and her if you want to save yourself!

You have to be in the right frame of mind and strong.. and also very prepared. You are whats important now

I dont know what kind of advice i just offered you or if it even makes any sense.. it makes sense to me

I wish you luck.


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## fightingstandingpraying (Mar 16, 2014)

Its such a fine line. You have to make yourself vulnerable in order to be able to save a marriage. Makes it so much easier to get hurt either on the way or in the end. I appreciate the reply. I'm comfortable that there isnt anyone else right now. Just confused with the priority - love - consideration aspect of things 


smp


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

yes its a very fine line. But Patience, love respect and honesty is key.

Fight for what you want, but as long as what you want is going to make YOU happy then just keep swimming my friend
xo


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

fightingstandingpraying said:


> Its such a fine line. You have to make yourself vulnerable in order to be able to save a marriage. Makes it so much easier to get hurt either on the way or in the end. I appreciate the reply. I'm comfortable that there isnt anyone else right now. Just confused with the priority - love - consideration aspect of things
> 
> 
> smp


1 stop acting like her doormat. You are looking weak to her. Do you both work outside the house? How many hours each?
2. Do you know how many times ive seen some variation of your post saying they are sure no affair only to find at least one more affair?


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

For the past three years or so, has that "Im not in love with you" thing continued while living with her? Or has it recently come up again?

You should probably check into her phone and text messages as a first step to thinking about an OM. Other folks here have other suggestions, I am sure, for ways to catch her if she has something going on, which she very well might. She did it once, she might do it again. Especially if she never really resolved things for herself before or there were new issues arising. She might seek out OM as a way to feel in control and loved and needs serious help with that dependence thing.

But you have to focus on yourself primarily and most of all. Do you have friends outside your marriage? People you are in regular contact with? Or have they fallen by the wayside? Make friends now if so, and reconnect with old ones.

The Gym is a good place to release a lot of tension in your body and help with your emotions. Exercise will help take your mind of things. It may also be a way for you to simply get into shape if you have let things go. 

What hobbies outside of work do you have? Get some if none. Get more involved if none, or find a new one anyhow.

What about your professional life? Are you stuck? How can you improve there? 

Lots of ways to start thinking of how you can improve your life and yourself right now.

Are you in IC? Not your pastor, he's not a counselor. Are you seeing a therapist?


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