# Going through a separation, Hope?



## Ppaxton (May 16, 2011)

My wife and i have been married under a year. she is a healthy christian woman who grew up in a whole healthy and complete household. I on the other hand grew up in a manipulative abandoning, drug addcted household. And struggled severely with abandonment issues and drug addictions. I quit doing drugs when we got married, but my issues were still present. I began to squeeze out all of her friends until the point where i was extremely jealous and controlling of her every move. She was not allowed to be on the phone when i was around, because it took attention away from me. After a particularly bad fight we separated, and were separated for 10 days, although we talked and hung out each day. Then we got back together but nothing changed on my part. She was extremely understanding and patient but i would not relent, so she was forced to leave again, and this time i moved in with my parents. it has been just over 2 weeks, and we have no contact. She has told me she is not divorcing me and continues to do all of our budgeting, but there is still absolutely no contact. I guess it is just time for healing. Since our separation i have come to terms with some of my abandonment issues and let God do some healing in me. Now i am walking out my faith. I miss her very much and love her and am holding on with everything i have. But i still get very anxious and sometimes get depressed and hopeless as if she is just going to change her mind and call it quits'.


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## sadsuzy (May 15, 2011)

Ppaxton said:


> My wife and i have been married under a year. she is a healthy christian woman who grew up in a whole healthy and complete household. I on the other hand grew up in a manipulative abandoning, drug addcted household. And struggled severely with abandonment issues and drug addictions. I quit doing drugs when we got married, but my issues were still present. I began to squeeze out all of her friends until the point where i was extremely jealous and controlling of her every move. She was not allowed to be on the phone when i was around, because it took attention away from me. After a particularly bad fight we separated, and were separated for 10 days, although we talked and hung out each day. Then we got back together but nothing changed on my part. She was extremely understanding and patient but i would not relent, so she was forced to leave again, and this time i moved in with my parents. it has been just over 2 weeks, and we have no contact. She has told me she is not divorcing me and continues to do all of our budgeting, but there is still absolutely no contact. I guess it is just time for healing. Since our separation i have come to terms with some of my abandonment issues and let God do some healing in me. Now i am walking out my faith. I miss her very much and love her and am holding on with everything i have. But i still get very anxious and sometimes get depressed and hopeless as if she is just going to change her mind and call it quits'.





Have hope okay. She seems to love you. You should seek counseling for your issues as well as marriage counseling for you both.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VLR (May 15, 2011)

Find a good, state licensed therapist who shares your faith, but not just some person at church who "Does counseling." At least you recognize the issues and your role in it, but it will take a deep dive with a professional to cultivate a healthy marriage considering your background. The deck is stacked against you if you don't get professional help asap.


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## GitanaGirasol (Apr 21, 2011)

I have been on the receiving end of your behavior, and it makes you so paranoid and apprehensive. It is very, very difficult to move past.

You need to do everything and beyond to repair your trust issues if you want to save this, and it sounds like there is still hope. If she sees you making slow, steady improvements, there will be even more hope. These are deep problems that will take time, but you need to show her that you can do this and change and be a better partner.

She will need therapy too. I cannot understate the damage that a controlling, jealous partner can do to one's emotional stability. But I feel that with time and a lot of serious, dedicated, professional help you can ride this out.


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## Ppaxton (May 16, 2011)

Thank you all for your comments. I am slowly starting to plane out as for a while i was very emotional and impulsive, which never helped my situation. I love her and with this separation i am beginning to see her, value. not just to me but as a person. I will stick this out. And i will commit to change, whatever that looks like.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Commit to change, for yourself. She may come back, but be prepared for it if she does not. Your anxiety issues are very common, and your response has been dysfunctional. You can learn to change your response and get help with anxiety--talk to your doctor. New meds work wonders for anxiety disorders, and it is worth giving them a chance to work and help while you develop healthy coping mechanisms. 

You may want to get a thorough psych eval to see if you have ADHD, too, because of the history of impulsiveness. Good luck.


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## Ppaxton (May 16, 2011)

Yesterday, my wife gave my portion of the budget to a mutual friend of ours, she also gave me a credit card application, which we are going to share. This is a sign that there is a future here right. Someone planning on divorce wouldn't usually sign up for a credit card? would they? This is difficult for me because we still have no contact. Tomorrow it will be three weeks. Any ideas on when she may want to talk?


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

If she insists on the separation, there needs to be a controlled separation agreement. Look them up online or send me a PM and I can send you mine. Keep working on yourself, figuring out what changes you need to make in your own life, attitudes, behaviors, etc and hope that she will be able to see actual changes in you and not just more promises. Assuming she does take you back at some point (and from the looks of it, she will) you want to make damn sure that this never happens again, so don't waste this time!


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## Ppaxton (May 16, 2011)

Ok, here is the deal, she continues to do the budget, and continues to relay messages to me through mutual friends. We are both in the same church although i am not allowed at any church functions, and am only allowed to be at church when she is not there. We are involved with a counselor. But the counselor or the mutual friends, who are helping will not speak to me concerning anything. The agreement right now is no contact, and all they will tell me if i ask about it is. One step at a time. No on ewill tell me anything!!! Am i just supposed to sit here, waiting for someone to determine, my life. i would much rather either work on it, or just be done, so i can pick up the pieces and move on with my damn life! 
Oh, yeah, the counselor will not speak to me or return my phone calls, he just says give it time, Meanwhile i am struggling with my emotional, lonliness, and impulsiveness issues alone. And i am not to seek other help. Everytime i bring it up. they say no, because it would just be me trying to get what i want to hear out of someone. "Playing the Victim"
It's like someone telling me to go learn how to play, baseball, except i cannot have directions, use a ball or bat, or even go near the stadium. WTF do they expect me to do?!!!!


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## VLR (May 15, 2011)

We wouldn't be doing you any favors if we didn't give it to you straight:
1) You say you will commit to the changes, but you don't seem to recognize the level of commitment it will actually take.
2) Your complaints are all about you. You don't seem to fully appreciate the pain and damage you have caused. You aren't in a place to demand your rights. You don't seem to get it.
3) You have been destructive and untrustworthy. You get nothing. Own it, deal with it and accept the inconvenience and lack of consideration as the price of a real future for yourself and those who love you. 
4) Regarding your counselor - I haven't heard anything about a behavior modification program for yourself. Everything you mentioned is necessary, but designed to protect your wife from your destructive behavior. What kind of program are you in to change? If your counselor is a licensed professional, I'm certainly not qualified to question the guidance, but it does seem like you should be in a program of some sort. I agree with the counselor that you shouldn't look for somebody to tell you what you want to hear, however. 
5) Don't take the counselor's actions, your wife's boundaries, or our comments as something unfair, harsh, etc. Realize you are in a situation that statistically has been proven to destroy yourself and everyone around you. This is like having advanced cancer. the treatment will be radical, painful, long-lasting and without guarantees. You need to be in a program where you can get the right kind of support through the process. Are you familiar with celebrate recovery? 

We will be here for you as much as we can. I wish you well and I sincerely feel for you. I'm sure you are lonely and hurt and the rejection you feel must seem unbearable. I am sorry it has to be this difficult. Your parents should have shown you love and support. They should have spent time with you and made you feel safe and it sounds like they let you down. A kid can't help that. Now you are an adult and you're on your own to figure out what someone else should have modelled for you. Hang in there. Do what it takes. You have a shot at a great future, but there's a long road to travel and it will be tough at times.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

IMO you have not given this enough time. Your W has been very hurt and she needs time. You need to love her enough to give her that.

You also should be working on your issues, regardless if it saves your marriage or not. If you don't, you will never be able to have a healthy relationship.
Ask yourself if you are truly happy being the way you are.

Believe it or not, I was a lot like you. Controlling, emotionally abusive etc. I also did not grow up in a loving home but I did not turn to substances to try to numb the pain. Instead, I built a wall around my heart and didn't let love in nor did I show love in a healthy way.

It is possible to change, but it takes a lot of work, hard work, but it can be done. I have been in therapy for almost 5 months now and I feel like a new person. With the combination of therapy and the right meds, my life is so much more manageable.
It is still up in the air if my marriage will survive this or not, and if it doesn't it will hurt and I will be sad, but I know I'll be ok. I am proud that I am not the same woman I was when my H left.

You can do this...but you have to want to do it for the right reasons. Give your wife the break she deserves and focus on yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ppaxton (May 16, 2011)

Thank you, After talking with a good friend, and a whole lot of being angry, which was pointless. I have only two options, take the easy road and walk away, try to start over. Or prove my love and commitment to my wife, that i can change and i want it to be different. So, though it is very PAINFUL, i must stop looking at her, for what she can give me. And start learning to manage my emotions, so that when we do get back together i can be a strong supportive husband that she deserves. My wife is an amazing woman. I should have seen it before. I wouldn't be in this position if it weren't for my actions, so i have to own them, as well as show that i can change. Thanks again.
DELINQUENTGIRL- Thank you so much for your words, it is encouraging to know that it can be done, in the past few days i have been monitoring my emotions and to say the least they are erratic. I need to learn to manage them just to be able to live with myself. Yes i want happiness, and i want peace, i want it in my own life, as much as i want it in my marriage. It is hard for me to say this, but i need to change for me, not just for my wife. I do wish I had a program to work within, but i don't right now. I do however have the God of peace with me, and through Christ i can do all things. Here's to my, and our future. Thank you for your time.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Yes, you do need to do it for you. Because if you think about it, we are all that we've got in this world. We owe it to ourselves to be the best we can be.

I wish you the best of luck. Don't get frustrated and give up if you have a set back. You didn't get to be this way overnight so you won't change who you are overnight. It is going to take a lot of patience in your part. Whatever you do, don't give up on yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ppaxton (May 16, 2011)

The more i look into my past the more reasons i see for the way i am. Most of them are directly correlated to my parents. I would really like to meet with a counselor. But i have a history of manipulation, and those involved in protecting my wife, will not allow me to meet with a professional. I am going to ask them again tonight as i have a meeting with them. I hope for the best. I really thank all of you for your words and it would be helpful to keep speaking with you all.

DG, I cannot express how much your words have helped me put things into perspective. I now have the resolve to do this for myself. I am going to seek counseling for my issues, and press forward. Yesterday i went mountainbiking with an old friend something i have not done in a long time.


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