# Breaking up and nervous



## kc1974 (Jun 17, 2008)

My wife and I have decided to break up. I work and she is a stay-at-home mom. We don't make much money, and she has no real ability to make money, so we can't afford daycare. In fact, we can't even afford for her to actually move out. She's just moving to another room.

I suppose we will eventually have to figure out a way to live separately. Maybe she can get a night job or something. 

A complication is that we have two children, so we can't just both go to work (since we can't afford daycare). I have no idea what a good solution is for any of this.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I’m afraid I cannot give you any advice on the financial other that to contact your local social service groups to see they can point you in some direction for advice and counsel. My deepest sympathies for the loss of your marriage. My best advice is to keep the children in mind as you and your wife move through this. Although you are both probably hurting your children need your support and love. Make them your focus as you move forward. Again, my sympathies. Bless.


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## kc1974 (Jun 17, 2008)

The children are my top concern. I'm not sure I can say the same about her, unfortunately. To me they are the main purpose in life. To her they are an obligation she must meet. She is not what one would call a natural mother.

If I could, I'd quit my job and spend all my time with my kids.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

my hubby and i are split, we have 2 children and live in the same house. hubby slept with someone ( reason for split).
but its not all bad.
we are talking again about our relationship. we stil have children together and a home to keep afloat. 
and to be honest house prices have rised so much how many ppl can actually leave. 
dont mean to be personal but why are u breaking up?
cannot n e thing b resolved?
i am not a stay at home mum, i do work, but its not easy being the parent at home. i.e summer holidays ( children have 6 weeks of here). 
so u wil both have your own ideas on parenthood. children are a lifelong obligation, but its her that has them most often as you work. i get tired of holidays and appts and dentist, when children are ill, keeping them occupied , taking them on trips etc. its not easy when one person at home and the other at work. 
i am quite sure you would feel the same if roles were reversed.
but this does not make me an unnatural mother. as a parent you have to have guidelines and authority. loving my children is unconditional - i love them no matter what. 
you and your wife have forgotten about eachother,
can you find eachother again,
most ppl love their children, if i go for a weekend away i miss them dearly - but you have to have time out from them.
if the marriage is clearly over then , im sorry.
but you can live together (how long- is only your question)
im actually hoping to sort things out in my home, we dont row and we take each day as it comes.


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## kc1974 (Jun 17, 2008)

So, I haven't posted here since our initial decision. I've been so busy dealing with everything. But we are really doing this now.

We don't own a house, so moving does not involve home buying or selling. Home ownership is well beyond our means at this stage, especially up in the northeastern US.

My wife and children are currently living in Rhode Island, while I live in New York with my parents (on a blow-up bed in their computer room). This has been the most difficult thing I've ever been through. I am struggling with depression and anxiety, and I even sometimes have thoughts that if I were to die, they'd get the insurance payment and be better off (I don't actually think this and I would not kill myself for real, but I get into very dark moods sometimes).

I am working on getting a job up in RI, and there is a very good lead that will hopefully work out. But I don't make much money, really. It's hard enough to pay for one small apartment, let alone two. My wife's earning power is pretty little - no college degree and no work for the past five years. It is unlikely that she would earn more than the cost of day care, which would make working useless. When I do land a job there, the plan is that I'll live in her living room until I can afford to move out. I don't see how we'd afford that, of course.

I want what is best for my children, and at this point it is difficult to say what is best for them. I'm so crestfallen that I'm having trouble doing my job and staying focused on anything.

I really just don't know what to do at this point. I feel totally trapped and ill-equipped to deal with anything being thrown my way at this point. I find myself inclined to lock up and go catatonic or something. I almost wish I'd go crazy because the reality of my situation is too much for a sane mind to deal with.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Keep your strength in know what you are doing is for the good of your children. Unfortunately you are not alone in your situation as thousands of families face the same heart ache each year. Work with your wife to do what is best for the children. Take time for yourself as a person and keep busy with work, hobbies, friends and family. If you are of faith pray for guidance and strength as you move through this.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Amplexor said:


> I’m afraid I cannot give you any advice on the financial other that to contact your local social service groups to see they can point you in some direction for advice and counsel. My deepest sympathies for the loss of your marriage. My best advice is to keep the children in mind as you and your wife move through this. Although you are both probably hurting your children need your support and love. Make them your focus as you move forward. Again, my sympathies. Bless.


:iagree:

draconis


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## Triton (Jul 8, 2008)

Man , kc maybe it's " Cheaper to keep her ". I know times are hard out here , but no need to mess it up - Superbad. I mean y'all still in the same house -heck , go ahead and be married. I mean the "D" word means - you go your way ,and I go mine. If not -go ahead and enjoy each other. Could workout after all. Roll with it.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

kc-
you said:>>>I even sometimes have thoughts that if I were to die, they'd get the insurance payment and be better off (I don't actually think this and I would not kill myself for real, but I get into very dark moods sometimes).<<<

please careful what you wish for. i prayed to God for an answer to our financial problems late last year, the only source of cash was some great life insurance. and guess what? i had a f-ing stroke. almost killed me. God visited me in the ambulance. i told my wife about this in a rare lucid moment in the hospital. she said "you tell them you have a family to take care of and you can't go." i didn't, but i'm separated today. how much easier it would have been...sick thought. besides, i'm gonna put this marriage back together in His glory. you just wait & see...


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## kc1974 (Jun 17, 2008)

Triton said:


> Man , kc maybe it's " Cheaper to keep her ". I know times are hard out here , but no need to mess it up - Superbad. I mean y'all still in the same house -heck , go ahead and be married. I mean the "D" word means - you go your way ,and I go mine. If not -go ahead and enjoy each other. Could workout after all. Roll with it.


That is not an option now. She is a couple of states away, and she seems to hate my guts now anyway. She feels that I changed her into a bad person because my negative traits (I am a relatively anxious, pessimistic sort of person much of the time) have rubbed off on her. 

Now I feel like I've been duped. I was initially told to not let her move away by just about everyone, but I believed that she and I could maintain a good relationship even if we weren't going to be married. She really wanted to move away, so I gave in and compromised, and I said I'd be willing to relocate to RI with her (she wanted California, but that was too far for me). I could have forced the issue legally and kept her in NY until we worked things out.

I figured she'd move there, I'd come a few weeks later once I got a job, we'd live together with the kids until I could afford my own place, and all would be relatively okay.

Well, my job that I thought I had lined up didn't come through, at least it hasn't yet. And my relationship with her has gone south very quickly. She now accuses me of making the choice to move, which is inexplicable. I wanted to stay. I am completely paying for everything up there while living on a blow-up mattress in my parents' compuer room and only seeing my kids every 2 weeks, and she has thrown all of my possessions into the garage, which has a family of stray cats living in it who like to urinate (and worse) on everything.

I fell for it all. I let her leave with the kids, and now I'm totally stuck. I should have listened to the lawyer, who was willing to represent me for free if I'd kept it in NY. Now it's a big mess.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

kc1974 said:


> My wife and I have decided to break up. I work and she is a stay-at-home mom. We don't make much money, and she has no real ability to make money, so we can't afford daycare. In fact, we can't even afford for her to actually move out. She's just moving to another room.
> 
> I suppose we will eventually have to figure out a way to live separately. Maybe she can get a night job or something.
> 
> A complication is that we have two children, so we can't just both go to work (since we can't afford daycare). I have no idea what a good solution is for any of this.


Have your wife work at a daycare center, and bring the kids there. Maybe she can get a discount for working there. Is money the reason you want to end your marriage? :scratchhead:
If so, what ever happen to the promise.. FOR RICHER OR POORER, OR FOR BETTER OR WORSE? :scratchhead:

Hell, dude. Life isn't a bed of roses, but to break up over money is not a good excuse, when others have it much worse than you two do. These people stay together. Remember if there is a will..there is a way. People are too fast to throw in the towel when things get rough.  Come on, guys.. you can do it ! :smthumbup:


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## NikiVicious (Oct 2, 2008)

Honey said:


> Have your wife work at a daycare center, and bring the kids there. Maybe she can get a discount for working there. Is money the reason you want to end your marriage? :scratchhead:
> If so, what ever happen to the promise.. FOR RICHER OR POORER, OR FOR BETTER OR WORSE? :scratchhead:
> 
> Hell, dude. Life isn't a bed of roses, but to break up over money is not a good excuse, when others have it much worse than you two do. These people stay together. Remember if there is a will..there is a way. People are too fast to throw in the towel when things get rough.  Come on, guys.. you can do it ! :smthumbup:


i absolutely agree with honey!:iagree:


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## kc1974 (Jun 17, 2008)

Well, I can't really _have her_ do anything. She certainly isn't listening to me, and she has no interest in working at a daycare center for sure. It would be great if she did.


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