# Am I avoiding the obvious?



## M0M_SDG (Apr 7, 2015)

I am SO drained from going in circles with my husband. I appreciate if you read my story and provide me with feedback. IDK what to do anymore and cannot continue living like this. 

Long story short, hubby and I dated for 6 years got married after 7 then had 1st child rt away an had our 2nd a year after. Things all changed after 1st born my husband turned into a chauvinist and all of a sudden wants to move to Florida. We currently live in OC and I am born and raised here. He never mentioned moving back before.

Now this is the problem in our marriage, 1.) He doesnt lift a finger around the house or very hands on with the kids and 2.)He insist we are moving even though he knows I am not on board with this plan of his. Why didnt he mention this before we married?? Am I dragging out the obvious here? I feel like we have no future together cause its his way or no way. 

What do I do? We fight about this on a weekly basis and he is constantly trying to sell me on moving. His family in Florida is highly dysfunctional with crazy issues, where my family is very normal white collar no drama living. another reason I am strong on not moving.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

You might be avoiding the obvious. Have you asked him about going into therapy? Or does he think that relocating will be the cure for your relationship ills?

You are right in not wanting to make such a huge move in light of your situation. If it means the end of your marriage so be it. If your H won't stay and work on it, it would probably unravel pretty fast after the reality and culture shock set in.

Good luck, stay put in OC.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

If you're marriage is going to end you want it to end where you have a support network in place. I really can't see how making a move across country is going to make things easier for you. 
Stand firm.


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## M0M_SDG (Apr 7, 2015)

He is not open to counseling and thinks its for "woman" and yes he also thinks that moving to FL will be the best for us all. He has all these grandiose ideas of how great it will be in FL but they just aren't realistic in my eyes. 

I recently told him things need to change I am coming to a breaking point, he said I am a bad wife for already being at a breaking point this far in our marriage and I would have to kill someone in his family before he would be at his "breaking point". 

He is really brain ****ing me lately and I am starting to lose my grip! I having been trying to work out the other issues in our marriage for the kids, but now with so much pressure to move I feel like I cant do it much more. IDK what to do ;/


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

M0M_SDG said:


> He is not open to counseling and thinks its for "woman" and yes he also thinks that moving to FL will be the best for us all. He has all these grandiose ideas of how great it will be in FL but they just aren't realistic in my eyes.
> 
> I recently told him things need to change I am coming to a breaking point, he said I am a bad wife for already being at a breaking point this far in our marriage and I would have to kill someone in his family before he would be at his "breaking point".
> 
> He is really brain ****ing me lately and I am starting to lose my grip! I having been trying to work out the other issues in our marriage for the kids, but now with so much pressure to move I feel like I cant do it much more. IDK what to do ;/


You haven't said what the other issues are in your marriage apart from the fact he is not very engaged with the family. He sounds somewhat selfish. Why don't you ask him for specifics about this move back to Florida such as what is he going to work at, where are you going to live, how about finances, how far away from his family, what will you be doing, etc. Does your family help you out alot right now with the kids, etc. If there are problems in the marriage a move will only put more stress on you both. In fact moves (i've done many of them so am talking from experience) are very very stressful and if your husband is as he sounds, then most of the organising may well land on you. if he is so keen, tell him to to ahead for 3-6 months and see how it is, meanwhile you will stay behind.


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

I definitely wouldn't move. He sounds a lot like my husband became after we had children. No hands on in the home or being a Father. I don't know what your other issues are, but with his controlling nature and knocking you down emotionally, I definitely wouldn't move. 

Heck, he doesn't even want to go to counseling, neither did my husband of 25 yrs. when he had an affair and I found out about it. He was controlling also and I didn't receive a lot of encouragement from him on anything.

Tell him to go without you, see how he likes it and see what happen's. But I would honestly get out while your still young.

Good luck,

Granny7


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

M0M_SDG said:


> He is not open to counseling and thinks its for "woman" and yes he also thinks that moving to FL will be the best for us all. He has all these grandiose ideas of how great it will be in FL but they just aren't realistic in my eyes.
> 
> I recently told him things need to change I am coming to a breaking point, he said I am a bad wife for already being at a breaking point this far in our marriage and *I would have to kill someone in his family before he would be at his "breaking point".*
> 
> He is really brain ****ing me lately and I am starting to lose my grip! I having been trying to work out the other issues in our marriage for the kids, but now with so much pressure to move I feel like I cant do it much more. IDK what to do ;/


Such an extreme statement shows how crude your husband's bullying is.

His dysfunctional family is to be avoided.

Book MC and tell him that you are going with or without him.

Is there anything positive about him?

Sounds like you would no longer enjoy being intimate with him anymore.


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## M0M_SDG (Apr 7, 2015)

We have so many other issues that we need to work out. In my eyes I'm not moving our kids anywhere until our relationship is solid. My family is small but a great support system they have been great role models for me and watch our children while we work. 

Just a few of the issue we have: 
1. Verbal abuse (he has been improving) 
2. We aren't a team (its Me & him on almost everything) 
3. We have separate finances (split all bills, Im in debit because I buy all the kids clothes, toys, misc items) He uses the debit against me.
4. Lack of intimacy (this is the only issue he brings up when I discuss needing help) We are intimate once a month and lets just say he puts no effort into this area.
5. He is a habitual Smoker- Marijuana (in denial that he abuses this substance)

I have been going to counseling off and on for the last 6 months and he mocks me for going. He mostly doesnt see anything wrong in our marriage and says I'm being too emotional and am making matters worse. Im exaggerating. He thinks this is normal for any couple and I am weak for wanting to give up already. His mentality is so 1950s but I try to explain to him I am not a stay at home mom and I cannot do all these things on my own.

He isnt a completely bad guy,I dont want to keep making up excuses for him anymore tho. He drops the kids off to my parents every morning and can be hands on. I just have to point it out to him in order for him to step in and help. He is improving on his constant abuse/put downs that was horrible before I started counseling. But with the FL issue is making things worse. He thinks because he drops the kids off every morning that he is super dad, to me this is normal and part of being a parent.

I have gone in circles with FL for the last 3-4 year. At one point I was open to the move, i felt bad for him and didnt want to be selfish. But as time went on and I started to realize his ways (selfish) and I decided I cannot see the kids and myself living in FL as a happy functional family. He is basically in LALA land I think he wants to show his FL family how success he is or can be. In CA we cant purchase the big home he wants or all the material things he seems to desire for the family. 

I still love him besides all this and hate to divorce. It breaks my heart to vision my kids grow up with a broken home, I just dont see this situation improving.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

They will be in a broken home as things stand right now. Better two healthy divorced parents than no healthy parents to be role models. Well, at one healthy parent if it comes to divorce.

Your children are learning on how to a male figure, and a father from your husband by the way.

Have you thought that even if things improve in your marriage, moving would still be a bad idea. If he is around his own dysfunctional family, they will be able to reinforce those negative traits that he possesses. All the improvements he makes can disappear with being around his family.

Studies show that children that do not have healthy relationships with their parents also suffer as adults when they try and form other attachments. If you have any sons, they will likely have issues forming intimate bonds with their partners, and your daughters face the same issues. Parents that hold, hug, and comfort their children help their children to be more successful in their own lives.

If you have trouble believing that, look at your own husband as an example.


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## M0M_SDG (Apr 7, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> They will be in a broken home as things stand right now. Better two healthy divorced parents than no healthy parents to be role models. Well, at one healthy parent if it comes to divorce.
> 
> Your children are learning on how to a male figure, and a father from your husband by the way.
> 
> ...


You are so right! I go back and forth when things get intense I think that this inst the example I want for them. I guess I just need to really get strong and make my decision. 

Its so hard, I feel like he is forcing me to make this decision alone or I am crazy cause he doesn't see any wrong. BUT i think I am avoiding the obvious.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

M0M_SDG said:


> I am SO drained from going in circles with my husband. I appreciate if you read my story and provide me with feedback. IDK what to do anymore and cannot continue living like this.
> 
> Long story short, hubby and I dated for 6 years got married after 7 then had 1st child rt away an had our 2nd a year after. Things all changed after 1st born my husband turned into a chauvinist and all of a sudden wants to move to Florida. We currently live in OC and I am born and raised here. He never mentioned moving back before.
> 
> ...


Don't divorce based on these three issues alone (him not helping, him wanting to move, him insisting on it even though you're not on board). Go to marriage counselling. I know you might feel desperate, but a divorce is very painful and it is not the solution to a problem unless there's some intense emotional/verbal/physical/mental abuse happening. Yours doesn't sound like a desperate situation.

You guys have to learn communication, listening skills. He's obviously not listening to you if he insists on moving. It will result in resentment if it continues.

Maybe he feels it's unfair that you guys live so close to your family and so far from his? DO NOT move close to his family if they are dysfunctional.


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## M0M_SDG (Apr 7, 2015)

Orange_Pekoe I am really trying to not consider divorce but he refuses to see any wrong and not into counseling so we can learn to communicate better. What other options do I have? I cant fight for our marriage alone. 

I think he does feel its unfair to be close to my family and not his, but he also ignores his family's dysfunction and is not seeing the reality of our situation or the FL scenario either. 

How do I help him see? IDK what else to do. My counseling is focusing on me not US.

Im starting to feel like I am just dragging out what will come....Divorce ;/


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

This reminds me of a very important situation with my husband.

After we got married, he told me he wanted to sell his house and rent a place because of the interest that is involved in a mortgage. He's very religious and interest in our religion is to be avoided at all costs. I felt like my hopes/dreams for the future were being flushed down the toilet...a home of our own is a dream that most couples share. Now he was telling me I couldn't have that. I thought to myself, "Why didn't he tell me this before we got married? In fact, we talked about having a home, car, kids of our own!" It's like telling someone you want kids...and then when you get married, saying you don't want kids after all.

Your husband wanting to move to FL is like that. You feel wronged..."Why didn't he tell me before marriage? I might not have married him in the first place!"

This is a tough one. I have to tell you, in my case, he would not budge and I eventually caved in. But I had that resentment that just wouldn't go away. We are separated now, and the house issue is still a big one. A relationship will always suffer if one (or in my case, both) couples feel like their goals/dreams are being trampled on. 

Marriage counselling. Try to get him to see that you both need to go. Tell him your marriage depends on it, else you're not going to stay with him.

If he still doesn't budge...I don't know sweety. It's a tough decision. Couples reach a fork in the road, and to stay together, either one of them has to give up their road and walk the other's road...or they talk about it and decide on the best path to take...or they part ways, like you said.


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## M0M_SDG (Apr 7, 2015)

He agreed to 1 counseling session....not sure this will make a huge difference but I at least getting some sprinkle of hope.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Mom, tell him you go to counseling or you're done. Better yet, put divorce papers in front of him and watch him beg for counseling. He acts like this because he can. 

My ex refused counseling as well until I told him I wanted a divorce. Unfortunately by then I was done with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jake4551 (Apr 10, 2015)

I am sorry to say that I don't believe the counseling will work. My wife comes from a similar family as your husband. I thought I was marrying the sane one until the event occurred. The event being the birth of twins, on top of the other two young children we already had. She totally cracked, went into depression, cut us off from everyone, went off the charts. Three years of counseling, $40,000 later, partially back, but seems bipolar although counselors say borderline. Sleeps with kids, sexless marriage, doesn't matter how much I make, what I do, she is the center of her world. Getting the strength to save yourself is what it will take. I don't believe it will get better with counseling. There is occasional relief with counseling, but she refuses to fight the pattern and invest work in change.


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## M0M_SDG (Apr 7, 2015)

jake4551 said:


> I am sorry to say that I don't believe the counseling will work. My wife comes from a similar family as your husband. I thought I was marrying the sane one until the event occurred. The event being the birth of twins, on top of the other two young children we already had. She totally cracked, went into depression, cut us off from everyone, went off the charts. Three years of counseling, $40,000 later, partially back, but seems bipolar although counselors say borderline. Sleeps with kids, sexless marriage, doesn't matter how much I make, what I do, she is the center of her world. Getting the strength to save yourself is what it will take. I don't believe it will get better with counseling. There is occasional relief with counseling, but she refuses to fight the pattern and invest work in change.


Right. I think thats why I keep asking am I avoiding the obvious. He can make some changes but its for a small time frame until he goes back to his ways. I know I cant change him I guess I just dont want to give up on US. BUT at the same time we have children and I dont want them to grow up around us arguing all the time or in a house full of tension. 

I guess I will just continue my counseling to help me handle the truth! I need to leave him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

M0M_SDG said:


> He is not open to counseling and thinks its for "woman" and yes he also thinks that moving to FL will be the best for us all. He has all these grandiose ideas of how great it will be in FL but they just aren't realistic in my eyes.
> 
> I recently told him things need to change I am coming to a breaking point, he said I am a bad wife for already being at a breaking point this far in our marriage and I would have to kill someone in his family before he would be at his "breaking point".
> 
> He is really brain ****ing me lately and I am starting to lose my grip! I having been trying to work out the other issues in our marriage for the kids, but now with so much pressure to move I feel like I cant do it much more. IDK what to do ;/


Tell him he's welcome to move, but you and your kids will not be moving with him. And remind him that he will be paying you alimony and/or child support when he leaves.,

YOU have the power here. You just don't see it.


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## M0M_SDG (Apr 7, 2015)

Thank you everyone for the input. We had counseling this weekend and it was a joke. He went into the office putting on a big show. She asked him if he was willing to return and he declined. 

I will be standing my grounds and staying in OC and preparing myself mentally for the big changes.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

I like the idea of sending him ahead and telling him "I'll follow with the kids once you have a job, a house and your head on straight".


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## M0M_SDG (Apr 7, 2015)

SamuraiJack said:


> I like the idea of sending him ahead and telling him "I'll follow with the kids once you have a job, a house and your head on straight".


He wont do it! I told him go ahead before but he wants us all to go with him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So what?

You're a human, you're an adult.

Do what YOU need to do for you and the kids.


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## M0M_SDG (Apr 7, 2015)

You are correct! I am standing my ground and not going anywhere  It just makes for a lot of arguing cause he wont STH up! 

Counseling is helping me focus on what is good for ME and the kids. 

He is selling the condo soon so that's when he will really have to see that I am not changing my mind. He thinks he can convince me since in the past he always gets his way.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

You need to see an attorney. 

See where you stand. As long as you are married, he can take kids and move if he wants to. I know you think he won't because he isn't that "hands on".... but sometimes people get stupid. 

My ex took my 3 year old daughter once...while we were separated. Nothing I could do about it. He brought her back the next day, he didn't really want a little kid to take care of (besides, we had 5 and he had to know it was creepy to just take one!). Later, he took the cat. LOL....brought it back two days later. 

You just never know.

My point is, now is the time to figure out YOUR plan. AND your Plan B. It may make more sense to separate now and get visitation and custody on paper. Just a thought.


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## M0M_SDG (Apr 7, 2015)

HI again....I have been feeling so trapped lately. IDK what I am doing with my life. Half of me is trying/wants to be patience and work it out and the other half of me feels like I am just wasting time. nothing will change! 

I have learned a lot more about what I am dealing with...Im not sure how I came across this article but this hit home for me! 19 Signs You're Married to a Narcissist- the Narcissists Wife this is my LIFE. Is there a forum in here about narcs abuse? 

Im losing patience and lost!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just leave him. If he wants you, he will work to earn you back. There is nothing more to discuss.


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## M0M_SDG (Apr 7, 2015)

turnera said:


> Just leave him. If he wants you, he will work to earn you back. There is nothing more to discuss.


I wish it was that easy, how do you leave someone that feels nothing is wrong? Plus I have 2 young children to consider. 
All his verbal abuse is working...now I am starting to feel like I am just making matter worse.(Im the crasy one) My counselor told me to go back to her once I file for divorce. I guess I don't have the balls yet and hence why I feel stuck.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Stop being a victim and making excuses. I left my ex with two young children, he was also an abusive bully. He got orders (military) to another state and I told him I wasn't going. He called me all kinds of names and told me I was selfish. 

I divorced him, best thing I ever did. You are not ready to leave because you are getting something out of this. Please don't use the kids as an excuse, it's not for them and you know it.

You need to discover what you're getting our of this dynamic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## M0M_SDG (Apr 7, 2015)

Im not saying the kids are my excuse, Im just saying its harder for me esp with kids. In the past I would just up and leave a relationship "my ex's" but since I'm married I feel like Im obligated to make it work. Im just low on patience. I am getting nothing from this marriage and that is why I am wanting to divorce..Like i said above I just need to get the balls and leave him. This is by far the most difficult situation I have ever been in my life.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

But you are getting something. It's not positive, but it doesn't have to be; maybe you're comfortable with the dynamic. Maybe it's the devil you know mentality, maybe you're afraid of being alone, maybe you're afraid you won't find better..... that's why I'm suggesting you need to isolate what it is.

But just know that my kids were 2 and 5 when I dumped my ex and I managed just fine. You'll be surprised at how much you can handle when the bully known as your husband is off of your shoulders.

Just serve him and tell him to go without you. But you'd better take the advice of others and file soon because as their father he could up and leave with them and there's not much you can do about it. Get some legal protections NOW.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

M0M_SDG said:


> I wish it was that easy, how do you leave someone that feels nothing is wrong? Plus I have 2 young children to consider.


Sounds like what you're really saying is "How will I afford to take care of my kids without his money?". 

It IS that easy. You either respect yourself or you don't. 

If you respected yourself, you would never ACCEPT what he does. You would leave him. You wouldn't have married him if you knew he'd be this way, would you? So why stay now? It isn't a matter if HE feels nothing is wrong. You don't need his permission to feel what YOU feel. 

Get your act together, get your financial issues in order, line up county/city help for you and your kids if you need them, look at apartments, and get your life on track. 

*FOR *your kids. So they don't grow up thinking THIS is normal and turn out to be just like him.


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## M0M_SDG (Apr 7, 2015)

Thanks for the input, you have some good points. I need to be strong get my "self" back and like you said get it together for my kids.


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