# Desire, Passion, Physical Arousal, etc.



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

There are always threads by people who are wanting more passion and/or desire in their relationships...I just wanted to muse on these words a little bit...

I'll type out my thoughts on each word a bit...

Desire = I want you, or I want sex, or I want sex with you. I may just desire "sex" with no specific "you" involved. I wondered if for others, the desire for sex is the same thing as desire for sex with a particular person?

Also, for me I may feel strong desire to just _be with_ a specific person, non sexually. That desire feels very strong, stronger than sexual desire at times.

Or I can have very strong, very specific sexual desire for a very specific person. This is usually the desire people are feeling the lack of in the threads in SIM, I think. But is this sexual desire stronger, more important or more powerful than the desire I feel to just _be with_ my man? For me, not really...they are usually about level. I desire him putting his arm around me as much as I desire mashing naughty bits with him, on average.

Passion = I would call this the feeling I have at the height of sexual desire combining with sexual activity of some kind. 

I also feel the same passion when I swim in tropical waters (which is not normal for me, I have to travel to do so). I can get so passionate about this that I will tear up. It is a sensual wonderland for me and I become swept up in joy at how lovely the earth is and what it feels like to be submerged in crystal blue water.

Physical arousal = This can happen at any time, any place. It is normally just a tiny "thump" of blood flow, barely perceptible. It sometimes has no correlation to anything as far as I can tell, because it can literally pop out of the blue. Just pipes flowing to test themselves, I suppose. 

It can also happen when it would be expected, like seeing something sexually desirable, or when getting reading to get it on, or during foreplay.

Yet sometimes, and I have no idea why, physical arousal doesn't "feel" the same to me. It can be there and be happening (due to obvious signs my body gives) but I may not "feel" anything. At these times, I find orgasm difficult or impossible. I can sort of muscle through it, but it is not pleasant for me to do so. I learned long ago to give up quickly if I truly wasn't feeling it, and focus on other fun things in sex. I used to envy women like Anon who can get off easily and reliably during sex...but eventually I gave that up to just be happy with my own sex life, you know? At some point, you stop wishing and start working with what you've got. And that was around the time my sex life got exponentially better. 

- - - - 

How do others define these terms, or feel them in themselves? I'm interested in men or women's answers.

If you wish you felt more desire coming from your spouse, do you define this the same as passion? And do you also want them to have more sexual arousal?

Another way to say it is, do you think that your partner's sexual arousal is something you should be able to spike? And if you can spike their desire, do you assume you can also spark their arousal?

For me, desire and arousal may not be related at all. I may feel very strong desire for a partner yet no arousal, or very strong arousal yet no desire for a partner.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that passion and desire come from within. These are not things that others cause us to feel. We feel them because it's who we are.

So often people write about how they want to feel passion for their spouse so they want their spouse to do something to cause the feeling to rise up. That's not how it works.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

So...if you are a passionate person, you'll have passionate relationships...and if you aren't, you won't?


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## BucksBunny (Jan 6, 2015)

Sorry posted by mistake.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

"Go forth and multiply", troll.


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## ChristianGrey (Nov 27, 2014)

DayOne said:


> "Go forth and multiply", troll.


And the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her."

Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?"

So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that Was enjoyable."

And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy
that and now I'd like you to caress Eve."

And Adam said, "What is a 'caress'?"

So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "'Lord, that was even better than the kiss."

And the Lord said, "'You've done well Adam. And now I want
you to make love to Eve."

And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"'

So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

> Desire = I want you, or I want sex, or I want sex with you. I may just desire "sex" with no specific "you" involved. I wondered if for others, the desire for sex is the same thing as desire for sex with a particular person?


I am demisexual, so I do not feel any sort of sexual attraction unless there is an emotional connection first. In fact, the thought of any physical touch of any sort with any male that isn't my husband is disgusting to me. It's on par with "forced to eat a grub milkshake." So I'm definitely in the "desire for sex with a particular person" crowd. (This is probably why I and my DH see absolutely no reason for me to to not have OSF, I cannot see them as anything but friends, and I do not get emotionally attached to my friends - male or female - to the extent where I could develop sexual feelings.)

I've never fantasized about sex with anyone but my partner at the time. My mind just goes, "Nope, THAT isn't going to ever happen. Get real!" or "You have no way of knowing if he's good in bed, why not think of something you DO know?"

If anything, that's helped me to stay grounded in terms of knowing what good sex really is. But it also means trashy romance novels are something I laugh at. It also means I find porn (photos, not video) stimulating because I can see something is clearly happening, and so then I can inject myself into it. I get ideas from it that otherwise I may not have thought of.



> Also, for me I may feel strong desire to just _be with_ a specific person, non sexually. That desire feels very strong, stronger than sexual desire at times.


I enjoy spending time with DH. But I'm not sure I'd call that a "desire." More like a longing for connection.



> Or I can have very strong, very specific sexual desire for a very specific person. This is usually the desire people are feeling the lack of in the threads in SIM, I think. But is this sexual desire stronger, more important or more powerful than the desire I feel to just _be with_ my man? For me, not really...they are usually about level. I desire him putting his arm around me as much as I desire mashing naughty bits with him, on average.


I desire my DH much more sexually than I do in any other way. He however has physical touch as a Love Language, so I've made sure to put my own "meh" feelings on that subject aside and touch him more. And I really do try not to sexually harass him too much 



> Passion = I would call this the feeling I have at the height of sexual desire combining with sexual activity of some kind.


I feel passion for DH any time that I'm not stressed or depressed. I can be sick and still think, "Mmm. Husband."



> I also feel the same passion when I swim in tropical waters (which is not normal for me, I have to travel to do so). I can get so passionate about this that I will tear up. It is a sensual wonderland for me and I become swept up in joy at how lovely the earth is and what it feels like to be submerged in crystal blue water.


I get feelings like that too, but I don't call them passion. I'd just say it was a very emotional experience. 

Now, I say that I'm passionate about exotic animals. I keep them, breed them, go to reptile expos, watch videos on them, read about them, and talk a lot about them. They excite me as much as sex does. Maybe even more! But the only emotion there is happiness and excitement, which makes it different than the passion for sex, for me. I'm of course happy and excited to have sex, but... well it's just different.



> Physical arousal = This can happen at any time, any place. It is normally just a tiny "thump" of blood flow, barely perceptible. It sometimes has no correlation to anything as far as I can tell, because it can literally pop out of the blue. Just pipes flowing to test themselves, I suppose.
> 
> It can also happen when it would be expected, like seeing something sexually desirable, or when getting reading to get it on, or during foreplay.


DH and I have talked a lot about this "and now suddenly I'm horny" phenomenon. Happens to us all the time. 



> Yet sometimes, and I have no idea why, physical arousal doesn't "feel" the same to me. It can be there and be happening (due to obvious signs my body gives) but I may not "feel" anything. At these times, I find orgasm difficult or impossible. I can sort of muscle through it, but it is not pleasant for me to do so.


I felt like that for the first few years I was sexually active. I really think it had to do with not being aroused sexually by my boyfriend. I wanted to have sex, but it was like, that desire just wasn't enough to get the blood flowing, kwim? He didn't trigger any arousal switches in me.



> I learned long ago to give up quickly if I truly wasn't feeling it, and focus on other fun things in sex. I used to envy women like Anon who can get off easily and reliably during sex...but eventually I gave that up to just be happy with my own sex life, you know? At some point, you stop wishing and start working with what you've got. And that was around the time my sex life got exponentially better.


Once I figured out how to have an orgasm, things definitely got better for me. Especially when I realized there was no shame in stimulating myself during sex in order to orgasm. I figured any guy who had an issue with that can go find some other bed!



> If you wish you felt more desire coming from your spouse, do you define this the same as passion? And do you also want them to have more sexual arousal?


I have always been HD. DH had really bad sex experiences prior to me... at age 27, he orgasmed for the first time while having sex. I was the 4th or 5th woman he had slept with, and I was the first person he ever "got there" with. I thought that was just insane. I mean, I was like "Yay, go me" and all, lol, but I still thought wow, sucked to be you all those years. 

He has never lacked an arousal response. He was a very sexual person. He just didn't know how to be a sexual person when _someone else_ was involved in that process too. 

His previous bad experiences meant that quite honestly, he was not a "good lay." At first I thought he just didn't actually like sex, even though we'd spent a lot of time talking about it. He had no idea what to do or how to do it, and he was too insecure to try, so it looked to me like he just didn't care about sex. 

It took us a couple of years and many ugly fights to get to where we are today, and we are still working out some issues. I wanted him to be passionate, to really show his desire for me, to tell me he wanted me, to be proactive in bed, to initiate and not wait for me to do it, to be incredibly OMG BEST THING EVER about giving oral sex (because if there's no desire on his part to do it because _he _enjoys it, not because I enjoy it, then I didn't want him to bother at all).

Part of the problem was my response to his seeming lack of interest. I wasn't especially nice about it. This is why I always ask people who have a partner that appears to be LD, "Well, what are YOU doing wrong here?" I don't think true LD or asexuality is near as common as people claim it is. I think most times it's a mental issue of "You do these things, and I have no sexual desire for you because of it, but you don't listen to me, so I give up."



> Another way to say it is, do you think that your partner's sexual arousal is something you should be able to spike? And if you can spike their desire, do you assume you can also spark their arousal?


In a person who has a healthy sex drive and libido, then yes, a partner should be able to get the other aroused. If that is missing, then no amount of trying is going to get it going. It's like trying to get a handicapped person to walk by repeatedly standing them up and saying "walk!" Maybe with rehab, they could do that. Maybe there's no rehab that could repair the damage. I'm not saying people who are LD or have no desire for sex at all are damaged, I'm just saying, they may simply lack whatever is needed to have it. You can't fix something that _isn't there._ It either has to be found again, or there's something lacking at a chemical level. Like a person on SSRIs whose libido tanks. I think rarely, some people are just naturally that way, and you can't make chemicals appear that the body isn't naturally producing.

I've taken SSRIs for years previously, and still had a libido and arousal. So I think I just produce high levels of the chemicals in the first place, so when they dip, they don't dip enough to stop my desire.

I also think the crap food people eat is contributing to messing up hormone levels and all other issues.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

When people are specifically saying that they lack those things in their marriage, I assume that almost always means in a sexual context. Definitely more than just getting off, but an intimate experience.

desire= initiating sex. Not just not rejecting your partner's advances, though desire does play a part in that as well. But also being the one, without prompting from the other, to come on to the other person. This shows you have prioritized sex with your partner, and not to just fill the quota and be done with it. Comments about your attractiveness throughout the day.

outside of sex, desire to me is wanting to be with your partner. Affection comes into play with this. They want to hold your hand, hug you, drape their arm around you on the couch and pull you in closer while you watch Wheel of Fortune. Desiring time together within each day. Expressing appreciativeness for things that you do for them.

passion= enjoying the journey of sex, not just the destination. Not just railing hard on you and then leaving (though that is nice sometimes... ) but really enjoying sex with YOU, not just getting off. Both partners participating, not just lying there, looking into each other's eyes, kissing. 

outside of sex, passion in a marriage is wanting life experiences together. yes, spending time with one another in any setting is nice and shows desire for one another. But passion is wanting to do out there and travel, or see that new exhibit at the museum together, or hiking to a beautiful location. Passion can also more lean towards wanting someone to have passion for their own lives that you can be an onlooker of; i.e. they join the local hockey league and you go and cheer them on at their games. Passion for living life outside of work and home.

Physical arousal= People say they want more physical arousal in their relationship? I've not really heard of that and can't quite think of a generic context for that. I guess it is the need for an orgasm. I always have the have an orgasm during sex if I am aroused... though there are times I myself have not been aroused but my husband was and came on to me and I let him do a quickie, but it's usually not intercourse. I enjoy seeing him get off and being close even if I myself am not physically aroused.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Faithful Wife said:


> Desire = I want you, or I want sex, or I want sex with you. I may just desire "sex" with no specific "you" involved.* I wondered if for others, the desire for sex is the same thing as desire for sex with a particular person?*


When we are horny....we're feeling desire...but for what......I crave the feeling of "*oneness*" with another... being lost in them.. drinking them.. solo sex may relieve a physical itch...tempering us down ...but it does nothing for me emotionally...it's hollow....even lonely in comparison.... . 










I suppose many just have *a DESIRE* for a release.. enter one night stands, a "screw buddy" to call when one is feeling it...this would not satisfy me.. 



> *Or I can have very strong, very specific sexual desire for a very specific person. This is usually the desire people are feeling the lack of in the threads in SIM, I think. But is this sexual desire stronger, more important or more powerful than the desire I feel to just be with my man? For me, not really...they are usually about level. I desire him putting his arm around me as much as I desire mashing naughty bits with him, on average.*


 I would think the great majority of us would crave both ..even if on different scales ... it is the uplift to my days....nothing makes me feel more loved....which inspires me to give back, to open myself in every way......but take one of these away.... something in me would slowly die... 

Our bodies can only handle so much physical releases.... but the affection is ongoing... it feeds us emotionally....

Probably not even answering these questions right..about the meanings.. 

Desire is a very powerful force..in it's hand could be the greatest of suffering (a sexless marriage, a barren woman, etc) or the what sets us on the mountain tops...our greatest fulfillment. 

Buddha felt it needed extinguished altogether...I don't know much about Buddha or what was taught about sexual desire !? 










*Passion:* One definition says :
"Passion is when you put more energy into something than is required to do it. It is more than just enthusiasm or excitement, passion is ambition that is materialized into action to put as much heart, mind body and soul into something as is possible."

I've always looked at passion as what EXCITES us.. motivates us, it's unrelenting, we can't lay it down.. it's that something in us that makes us tick...breathes enthusiasm , a part of us that we seem destined to fulfill.. ...If we depart down a different path..trying to ignore what we are purposed to do..... we will not achieve the level of happiness we could have experienced in this life.. 

When we meet those with passion.. we can't help but be inspired by them...even if it's not our thing, somehow it's admired....it's our expression to the world in many ways... driving us to action.....

If it's good...it shouldn't be held back. but given to only those who would appreciate it.. to not throw our passions before swine so to speak or waste them with those uncaring, ..or unappreciative...(sexually speaking that is).. 

In this way.. Love has to be passionate for me, all inclusive, ...like this saying....







...or I'd have to walk away... as part of me would not be fulfilled...longing for more...



> *Physical arousal = This can happen at any time, any place. It is normally just a tiny "thump" of blood flow, barely perceptible. It sometimes has no correlation to anything as far as I can tell, because it can literally pop out of the blue. Just pipes flowing to test themselves, I suppose.
> 
> It can also happen when it would be expected, like seeing something sexually desirable, or when getting reading to get it on, or during foreplay*.


 just googling sexually Passionate images can stir arousal in me..... I've had chills run up & down my spine -the visually erotic is very stirring ....getting caught up in a steamy romance has even a more powerful effect.. music can move me also...

I ENJOY these things.. who doesn't want to be aroused ! No matter what sparks it .. I want to unleash it on my husband..... we've went to the strip club together.. same for him. I don't get bent out of shape if he is visually turned on by a hot female body...(that's just normal -confirms he is hot blooded man with adequate Test running through his veins - I want that !)....so long as we are taking each other for the ride.. it's all good. I remember reading somewhere the LUST centers of our brain are separate from our Love Centers... when the 2 are combined *>>* that's the utopia experience.. 












> *Another way to say it is, do you think that your partner's sexual arousal is something you should be able to spike? And if you can spike their desire, do you assume you can also spark their arousal?*


 I do feel we should be able to TURN UP the heat with our lovers.. how awful it would be if not.. some of us are slow cookers, some are subtle/ receptive.. some of us are Casanovas...seasoned magnetic sexual charm ..our partners find we're difficult to resist, they want to fall under our spell... how boring it would be if we couldn't bring them to our level of arousal , when we are feeling it so Passionately... as we know it's going to result in a mutually satisfying experience...the pursuit is on...



> *For me, desire and arousal may not be related at all. I may feel very strong desire for a partner yet no arousal, or very strong arousal yet no desire for a partner.*


 I always "desire" to get aroused .. .even if not feeling it at 1st.... if he's there.. if we have the time..Let's work it UP !... I know he feels the same in this.. I've worked him up many times...... this leaves us FREE to go after what we want..


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## ChristianGrey (Nov 27, 2014)

Some may say, women use sex to get love while men use love to get sex.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Get a dog and you'll have all 3.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I can't answer this thread since your changing to Veronica is messing with my head!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Passion is effort. Desire is is the idea of effort. Arousal is the end result of either.

No, there are no guarantees that a passionate person with have a passionate relationship.

A passionate person marries someone with out much passion means the one with passion has to work over time to creat the desire. Whether it's for sex, for a vacation, or just an evening out. The one who is most passionate about the activity will be driving the bus. Over time, this just empties the tank of the passionate one until there is nothing left to give.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> So...if you are a passionate person, you'll have passionate relationships...and if you aren't, you won't?


This is an interesting thread and provides much food for thought. My H is always claiming to be a passionate person and he is in many ways. He's passionate in his political beliefs and in his artwork and in his attitude to art in general. On the other hand, I'm quite moderate in many ways. While I have strong political opinions, I'm always willing to listen to another point of view. My H also claims to love me "passionately" which is pretty ironic when we haven't had sex for 5 months. I find it hard to believe him when he says he loves me with a passion as there is not much evidence of it other than the words that come out of his mouth. He gives the dog more physical attention than he gives me  .


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

EleGirl said:


> I think that passion and desire come from within. These are not things that others cause us to feel. We feel them because it's who we are.
> 
> So often people write about how they want to feel passion for their spouse so they want their spouse to do something to cause the feeling to rise up. That's not how it works.


When I was young, I was very passionate. I felt huge passion for two men in particular, plus just a passion for life.

Ten years into a dead marriage with an emotionally isolated man and I have lost nearly all passion for life. It is one of the reasons I feel I must leave; it's like this marriage has sucked all the life from me, all the joy I once felt, the excitement at just being alive, has drained from me.

My point being, passion is something within. But it can also be extinguished by an unloving mate.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

SurpriseMyself said:


> When I was young, I was very passionate. I felt huge passion for two men in particular, plus just a passion for life.
> 
> Ten years into a dead marriage with an emotionally isolated man and I have lost nearly all passion for life. It is one of the reasons I feel I must leave; it's like this marriage has sucked all the life from me, all the joy I once felt, the excitement at just being alive, has drained from me.
> 
> My point being, passion is something within. But it can also be extinguished by an unloving mate.



Resonating all through my head.


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