# Married for 14 yrs. No good sex,husband wouldnt discuss, I had affair. What now?.



## fragile37 (May 23, 2013)

I am stuck and cannot decide if we should get a separation, divorce or to stay and try to work it out. My husband also says that he goes back and forth between wanting me to stay or leave. 

We have been married for 14 years. I am 37 and he is 49. I told the whole story in my previous posts. I will just say that for the last 3 or so years my husband hasnt been showing much sexual interest towards me. Every time when I tried to bring it up he would get angry, defensive, accuses me of being negative and focusing on problems and storms out of the room.

While I've been married, I swear that I never looked for another man or never even thought of finding one. I've been telling my husband for the last 3 years or so that my need for intimacy was not satisfied in our marriage, but he would not discuss it. A couple of months ago I ended up having an affair with a guy who showed that he was interested in me. I was going to leave my marriage at that time. The guy turned out to be a sociopath who used me, stole my money and dumped me in the most cruel and abusive way. 

I told my husband about the affair at the very beginning of it. I was unfaithful but never lied to my husband. We dont lie to each other. 

My husband is not showing much emotion about me staying with him or leaving. It seems like he is OK with one way or the other. He continues to avoid discussing the situation with me. He does say every time that he loves me and cares about me. So do I. Every single time I want to talk about the current situation he says he is either too busy or tired to talk to me. And if I insist on talking he gets angry. 

These are the things he tells me when he is angry. He says that I am emotionally needy, nasty at times, verbally abusive, have anger issues, and the last thing on his mind is to be intimate with me because these things are a big turn off for him. 

I told him that I would like him to sit down and tell me all of this. But he would not sit down, and only does it as he is storming out of the room. 

I know we love each other, care about and have warm feelings for each other. However I feel that I am not comfortable having intimacy with him, especially after me being with another man. It might be partially because of some past PTSD issues are being triggered. I believe my husband can be sexually attracted to me, but he is resentful towards me and seems that he is not into sex anymore. The difference in our communication style is that if there is an issue I want to talk discuss it right now, and my husband wants to avoid it and focus his attention on something else instead. 

The things that he is upset about are true but unfortunately some of them I cannot change. I am and always have been emotionally needy despite of being in counseling for 14 years, reading tons of self help books and participating in forums for people with similar issues. I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, depression and PTSD. I am not holding my breath that this will significantly change. This is something I struggle with my whole life. 

Yesterday I asked him why is it that he is OK without having intimacy, and he said "why all of the sudden sex became an issue for you?". This really concerns me. Because being married and not have intimacy IS an issue to me! 

How long do I wait for? What am I waiting for? I know I have a lot of issues. I just dont know what the right thing to do would be. Please, dont just simply say get a divorce because you cheated. This is a much more complex situation, not black and white. I would really appreciate deeper insight.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

As I mentioned in another one of your threads there seems to be some contradictory information from you:


Your husband was sexual with you but has been losing interest over time
Your husband was never very sexual
You met a man and had great sex - you love this man
You met a man and had great sex - you hate this man
You want to have sex with your husband and want to work on this and hopes he will come round
You are not attracted to your husband anymore and want to leave

Which of the above points are true ? A good sexual relationship is absolutely necessary for a happy marriage and you need to be clear on what your feelings are and what you want out of this ideally. If you are still attracted to your husband and love him in that way, then one course of action would be to work on him (whatever it takes - testosterone treatments, counselling, removal of any deep seated resentment whatever it is etc). If on the other hand he doesn't do it for you anymore, you are not in love with him and do not find him attractive, then simply leave.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Your husband either forgives you and wants to work on the marriage or he doesn't. The resentment sounds like he doesn't. Don't beat your head against the wall to long with this, his has a choice, to work on the marriage or not. If he doesn't want to, end it so you both can move on with your lives.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yeah this seems like a really really mixed message post. Much of it seems to focus on a lack of intimacy/sex, but then you say something like, "However I feel that I am not comfortable having intimacy with him, especially after me being with another man" and then you go back to complaining about lack of sex.

I'm also concerned that you seem upset about communication issues and lack of a desire/attraction from him after your affair. Despite your interpretation of his reaction to the affair as mild, you can't dismiss the emotional wedge that will drive between two people. It sounds like it lasted at least a few months too, and if you told him near the beginning of it, then that means you were openly cheating on him with his knowledge which can be devastating.

It sounds like this is the kind of guy who prefers to keep his own feelings/emotions inside, a typical guy who doesn't share a whole lot. I'm guessing there is a lot of internal turmoil going through. Guilt, shame, betrayal, maybe personal self esteem issues. If my wife were openly cheating on me every day, assuming I could keep my cool the way he did, I would struggle enormously with trust and self esteem afterwards. Why did you cheat on me? Am I lousy in bed? (Is he bigger than me?!) She is only wanting me now because the other guy is a sociopath. How long will it be before she cheats on me again? I'm struggling with my lack of libido (or maybe even ED?), but facing that prospect is embarrassing and unmanly. 

Don't confuse his disinterest in sharing conflicted/emotionally distraught and draining feelings as meaning that he doesn't have them. If he was facing issues with a lack of interest in sex, either purely personal issues like low libido or ED, or relational issues like his being "turned off" by your admittedly negative behaviors, and then you add an affair to that mix, I can't see how he would possibly want to be intimate with you. Especially if your main approach to him is to nag him about it, guilt him, only point out faults/negatives, etc.

I'm not trying to put all the blame on you or make you feel bad, but you've gotta realize you are dealing with a human being, not a stone, regardless of how he portrays himself. I think the demands you seem to be placing on him are unfair and unrealistic, and you will inevitably be disappointed. It will likely take a long time to rebuild the trust and his likely shattered self worth, and yeah I think you sort of owe it to him to put in the effort. If you aren't however, then you'll be doing both of you a favor by moving on.

With that said, you still need to find a way to address the issues you admitted to above. To think that any man would want/accept a woman with those kinds of problems who but believes she can't change and that he should just accept them.... is laughable, especially among older men. Younger men will put up with that kind of nonsense because they are horny as hell and figure it is worth it. Older men won't put up with it.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

fragile37 said:


> I told my husband about the affair *at the very beginning of it*. I was unfaithful but never lied to my husband. We dont lie to each other.
> 
> My husband is not showing much emotion about me staying with him or leaving. It seems like he is OK with one way or the other.


Wait, WTH? I couldn't get past these lines. Your H must be the most checked out spouse of all time. Sounds like you guys are done.


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