# Can't cope with this pain



## marie122 (Jul 5, 2012)

I feel as though my life is hanging by a fine thread. Going through the trials of a marriage in trouble is the most difficult ordeal of my life. When I think there are no more tears left, the burn they leave across my face and heart are unbearable. I am falling into such a hole, tailspin out of control into such darkness and despair. Anxiety , shortness of breath are all apart of my life. I have read every article on saving a marriage when one spouse wants out...I've tried to not let the hurt, the anger and resentment, no begging, no arms around his legs all the feelings that come along with this...trying to not let that dictate our days together. It helped, last night we had the talk, he opened up like never before...talked about his own loathsome existance, how he has lost himself and has a need to be free...how he doesnt want a divorce but wants out, how he wants to protect me and financially care for me. Without crying I told him that for me, its about family, happiness, security and friendship and he was taking all that with him, that divorce was my option to move on and replace what I need. He told me that he felt I was his friend...FRIEND....and then I fell backwards again...to a place I cant seem to pull out of. There is another woman he met while I was visiting my sister out of town, he claims they are only friends, and yet, not a friend I can meet or invite to our home...just his friend. And I know, when he speaks of her he lights up...and that kills me. I am breaking down, and the sad part I dont want to get up, I want to crawl in my hole and never face this world again...I'm not talking suicide..not taking my life but letting my life take me....to lay in my hole, cover me with dirt and just let this all stop.....It's waves of being so afraid of life without him to wanting to break everything in the house he ever cared about...its wanting to confront this other woman and her husband and making them hurt as much as I...its about just getting my self together and moving on...and I try, really I do try...and now this...total breakdown again...and all I want is my husband back....just want him back


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

marie122 said:


> I feel as though my life is hanging by a fine thread. Going through the trials of a marriage in trouble is the most difficult ordeal of my life. When I think there are no more tears left, the burn they leave across my face and heart are unbearable. I am falling into such a hole, tailspin out of control into such darkness and despair. Anxiety , shortness of breath are all apart of my life. I have read every article on saving a marriage when one spouse wants out...I've tried to not let the hurt, the anger and resentment, no begging, no arms around his legs all the feelings that come along with this...trying to not let that dictate our days together. It helped, last night we had the talk, he opened up like never before...talked about his own loathsome existance, how he has lost himself and has a need to be free...how he doesnt want a divorce but wants out, how he wants to protect me and financially care for me. Without crying I told him that for me, its about family, happiness, security and friendship and he was taking all that with him, that divorce was my option to move on and replace what I need. He told me that he felt I was his friend...FRIEND....and then I fell backwards again...to a place I cant seem to pull out of. There is another woman he met while I was visiting my sister out of town, he claims they are only friends, and yet, not a friend I can meet or invite to our home...just his friend. And I know, when he speaks of her he lights up...and that kills me. I am breaking down, and the sad part I dont want to get up, I want to crawl in my hole and never face this world again...I'm not talking suicide..not taking my life but letting my life take me....to lay in my hole, cover me with dirt and just let this all stop.....It's waves of being so afraid of life without him to wanting to break everything in the house he ever cared about...its wanting to confront this other woman and her husband and making them hurt as much as I...its about just getting my self together and moving on...and I try, really I do try...and now this...total breakdown again...and all I want is my husband back....just want him back


Oh, dear. I am sorry to see you here, but glad you found TAM. If you see what I mean.

We have all been through this pain, one way or another. Is there a friend or relation who can help you?

Do you need to see a solicitor or lawyer for a free initial consultation as to what options you have?

You might think about exposing their affair. Not to hurt the other couple, but to help the other woman's cheated spouse to find out what has been happening.

We'll be here for you. Please try to stay strong. Make sure you drink enough liquids and try to eat something. Take care of yourself.


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

I am so sorry. Just reading that brought back all the memories, still fresh, that haunt me every day. You are doing well. Let yourself grieve. Crawl in that hole and cover yourself up. Cry, rage and scream. 

One day you will come back out stronger, wiser and more beautiful than when you went in.

Keep that in the back of your mind for now.

The good people here will help. So many of us have trodden the path you are treading. Again, I am so sorry.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Marie---You know what its about---ITS ABOUT YOUR ONE TRIP THRU LIFE ON THIS PLANET, AND HOW YOU SPEND YOUR TIME LIVING THAT ONE TRIP

I get it, you are destroyed, but have you looked in the mirror---did his destruction take away your beauty, your physical appearance---maybe it left some tear marks---but you and everything about you is still there

Guess what---IT'S TIME---time to move on---time to tell your AHole of an alleged H., you DO NOT NEED HIM, and you WILL forge a new life for yourself

Do you understand that there are MILLIONS of good decent men out there----are you trying to tell me, that you couldn't find even ONE good man, to forge a future with

Why do you need to spend ONE MORE MISERABLE DAY WITH YOUR POS H.

He wants other women, tell him go, give him your blessing, and good riddance

Time for you to wake up and smell the roses, and look at the sun---there IS a big beautiful wide world out there, just waiting for you.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Hey Marie---You know what its about---ITS ABOUT YOUR ONE TRIP THRU LIFE ON THIS PLANET, AND HOW YOU SPEND YOUR TIME LIVING THAT ONE TRIP
> 
> I get it, you are destroyed, but have you looked in the mirror---did his destruction take away your beauty, your physical appearance---maybe it left some tear marks---but you and everything about you is still there
> 
> ...


:iagree:
Don't give your husband that much power, get it back & move on with your life.
He obviously doesn't want the same things that you do, you will find a man who does.
You're miserable while he's out with his OW, more than likely you're just a passing thought in his mind, he's definitely not miserable.
Life is too damn short to stay in a marriage with a man who choses to stay in a relationship with another woman.
We all deserve better than to be treated like the odd one out in our marriages. 
Demand your life back, start by seeing an atty tomorrow, you might find the strength you need is already inside of you, you just have to dig deep enough to find it.


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

I'm so sorry for what you are going through Marie. I spent months inside that same hole. I thought I may never climb out. But I did, and you will.

I'm still with my FWH but only because he walked away from the other woman. If he had not I would have sent him packing. But don't think that I can't understand, I can. You see, it took a month to get the truth. It took a month to get him to see what he had done. Then it took six months to get her to stop coming after him. I was in that hole. I worried constantly about him changing his mind, I worried about what would happen to me financially (I didn't have a job and little experience), I worried about something being wrong with me because I thought he wouldn't have done it if there wasn't something wrong with me. I lived in the hole.

Then I started reading post on this site. I didn't post I just read. Then I started to realize that there was nothing wrong with me, it was 0% my fault, he owed me everything if he wanted to stay, and that if he left I would slowly get my life together. 

You will find your way out of the hole. Stay here and let us help you. Start by putting an end to his cake eating. It's only you or none of you. Let him take care of you financially until you can do it yourself, he owes you that much. Whatever you do you need to realize you are special, there is only one of you, and there are people in this world that are smart enough to see that, even if your dumb*** H isn't one of them.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Hi.
This is a horrible place to be. " I want to be your friend"
Really?
You want to screw another woman in front of me and you call this friendly?
You want to cut me out of your life and you call this friendly?

This in my opinion is one of the most hurtful and violent things a cheating spouse can say to you! He doesn't want divorce because he want to have it all. 
Marie. Get angry! I'm getting angry for you, in case you hadn't noticed. He sees NONE of your pain. has zero empathy for you.

How DARE he say this. He is deep in the FOG and genuinely believes the hateful bile he is spewing. 

Start the Divorce process. Do this now. You are going to need a lot of strength to do what you have to do. 
An immediate and HARD 180. Tell him nothing. care for him less. 
You can not nice someone out of an affair!
My ExW was like this. Almost 2 years later she has come out of the insanity to find her life ruined. i am fine now. Sad sometimes but mostly good.


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## marie122 (Jul 5, 2012)

I have waves of emotions...today, he is with her...and tells me how much he appreciates that I understand his friendship. I don't understand, I am just trying to keep things civil now so I can get my game plan on. I am sitting here in the dark, half so hurt I don't want to go on, and the other half so angry I want to bust his freakin fishing poles in half. These are all things I have never felt before in my life, not the loss of a parent is this devastating. I only cried once today, that is a major improvement. Hoping tomorrow I won't cry at all......of course I still need to deal with this rage and the fishing pole idea! At least I could muster a smile for that one. I sent an email to our attorney today asking for a consult. That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Thank you to all who responded...I truly appreciate it more than any written words can express. How did we as humans become so unwilling to make marriages work anymore. Its almost like returning a pair of jeans that dont fit....That makes me so sad..so so sad


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Get mad, the anger will guide you through this process, being sad will just make you want to sit home & listen to sappy love songs.
He's such a jerk, I want to break his fishing poles in half for you!
Keep your focus on you & reach out to every person in your life who you know is truly your friend & not his.
You're going to need support right now, they will help pull you up out of your hole. 
Wishing you much peace.


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## serenity 02030 (Mar 29, 2011)

Oh Marie I know how you feel..just a week out of finding a secret phone my huband with his OW. You are right, the shock,pain are overwhelming. I am tring to keep very busy. It never leaves my brain, but at least keeping busy distracts me. I can identify with the people that also are embarrased..we were supposed have a pretty perfect family..supporting each other. MY WS told me that things were different when I stopped drinking...lifestyle choice..which to me says i am boring. He also stated he resented the fact that my chrohns disease caused. He saYS IT ISNT ME, but the disease and what it did to our marriage. I thought it brought us closer in away..although my last surgery he didnt really help at all. This all makes me feel i was undesirable..which he denies...he is sorry that that is what made have an affair, which apparently was just drunken flings...Anyway like you said it is a schock that no one should go through. You are not alone...as you said the people are great here, I feel thgey are liscened therapists.
We will both survive!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> today, he is with her...and tells me how much he appreciates that I understand his friendship


WTF! What are you doing, going low key whule get your doks in a row? Lawyered up already? What are you plans?

Taylor this, at least detach all you can:
The 180 degree rules


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I know that all of us, can give you no more than our words and thoughts---but marie---you got to get out of the dark place you are in, and let the sun hit you

You wanna mess with your H., leave the fishing poles alone---go to the bank, and take all the marital finances, and put them in your name only---then call and cancel all his credit cards, then take his clothes, and throw them out into the back yard, if you need to get even, hit him where it hurts him the most

All of these things may appease your rage, but you need to take care of yourself.----If you work, try to go to work, and pass the time working, if you have kids, give them all you have, enjoy them, for now they will replace your H., if you are a SAHM, then visit your friends, and any family that are close by--

-just do things, you cannot just sit there, and let what your H., has done to you, destroy you-----SHOW HIM, HE CANNOT HURT YOU, Show him, you can take all his crap, and more, Show him, that he is the prize idiot for what he is throwing away---and stick it right in his craw----get up and fight for yourself.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It is ok to get mad.

It is ok to say you will not live in a marriage where he is unfaithful

it is ok to refuse to stay with someone who is cheating on you


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

marie122 said:


> I feel as though my life is hanging by a fine thread.


Marie:

Let him go and move on. Join a gym to get your brain and your body into shape. It will make you feel good about yourself. 

There are many men out there who will remain faithful. You can see it here on TAM. 

There are legitimate online dating sites, too, for every age group out there.

I know many people who found a good life partner through these sites. 

I don't think you should jump into dating though. First get yourself together. 

Join a club or organization that shares an interest you may have and just enjoy your alone time.


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