# Sexless but wanting help



## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

Preview on my relationship: Wife cheated on me. While not sex all the way, I walked in and caught her in an intimate moment with someone else. (That's the short version).

I've read that infidelity often occurs when the partner isn't getting something they need out of the relationship. Looking back, there were plenty of things I was not doing. Sex, however, was not an area that was a problem, or so I thought.

In the healing process my wife and I started talking about different issues we have had. In short, she has expressed serious remorse for what she has done. It's still early, but the issues of our life and the problems before it aren't 'new'.

One thing I said I missed from our relationship was the passion she had for me. Touching me, hugging me for no reason, WANTING sex. Very early on in our relationship I told her that for a while she would have to tell me what she likes so that I could be sure and satisfy her needs before I satisfy mine. I also said that if those needs change throughout the years, be it week to week or month to month, to be sure and let me know if I'm not figuring it out on my own.

The last year and a bit, due to stress, our sex life took a hit. She was always tired, I was always having to initiate, she would have sex and enjoy her part but it would be very much a 'race' to see how fast it took me to finish. Talking today she said that sex and passion are things she lacks right now, not just for me but for any guy she sees. She insists it's all in her head. I ask the question, preparing myself for the worst of answers, if she ever feels aroused when she sees another man, more in shape, more her type. Her answer was "No." She said her co-workers have very similar feelings about sex. Some go as far as saying "It's too much like a chore.". I told my wife that this wasn't a normal feeling and that either something was wrong with me/us or something was going on in her head that was keeping her from enjoying sex. Hormones?

Today, I told her that with each rejection (You don't have to say "No, not tonight." to feel rejected, it can be "OK, but can you finish up in X amount of time?" to feel it too) I was feeling uglier and less of a husband and more a roommate. She insists that it's still in her head and she needs to see a doctor. So why hasn't she gone yet? Why hasn't she made an appointment?

Again, it's still early in the whole healing process of the relationship. She's keen on saving what we have and she knows that sex is part of it, not the biggest part but A part. I hope she gets this part done soon. While I may have been a frequent masturbator in the past to supplement the rejections, I'm more frustrate now and not looking to masturbation at all. I want that connection to be there for real. I want her to want me, I want her to feel like she needs that physical connection as well.

Any advice? I've tried again and again with romancing my way. Cooked dinner, nice wine, a massage and a nice movie...as soon as I head for sex it's "I've got an early morning, let's not get into this right now."


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## walkrun (Jun 2, 2010)

I'm in a similar situation and I wish I had the solution. My wife does not desire much sex and also says it's all in her head. I got caught up very badly in obsessing over sex as though it is the be-all, end-all key to happiness in marriage. I don't think that's the case. The only thing that has worked fro me so far is to evaluate sex against the rest of my overall marriage and decide if I can still be happy with less if the "connection" between us improves. One word of warning: When we talk about a "good" sex life, ask yourself: Good by who's standards? I find these message boards are a poor indication of what a "good" sex life is. A good sex life is what you can both be happy with, not an arbitrarry # of times per week and not necessarily all your desires fulfilled. It's a comprimise, like most things in marriage. 

I cannot "make" my wife desire sex with me more and I cannot pretend that I don't desire sex more frequently. So then what to do? I have to either find a way to be happy with my wife the way she is and simply accept less sex, or leave. Since I love my wife more than anything in the world, leaving seems like an absurd notion. So I choose to try and let the disparity in our sex drive not be an issue for me the way it was. I will say that since I started change to this attitude, my wife feels less sexual pressure and, thus the little sex we do have feels more genuine adn passionate. We'll have to see if that leads to more in the future...i can hope it does, but I must try and be happy if it doesn't.


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

I don't really have any answers for you, but I feel for you. I am in a very similar situation. My wife's passion for me has severely dropped off over the course of the last 4 years (many reasons for this, her hormones have dropped since she entered her 40's, she still holds some resentment over other issues, thyroid problems, etc.). While four years ago, we would have sex maybe 3 times a week and it was good, now she will only initate it maybe once a month at best (just before her period) and she then only wants it to last 10 minutes or so, with absolutely no foreplay, kissing etc. just the act itself. She will comply with my requests for sex about 50% of the time, but even then it is obvious it is something she does not want to do. Because of this, I have stopped asking her and only wait for her to ask me, so I'm basically only having it once a month, and all the past passion is missing. I miss it dearly. She knows it and says there's nothing she can do about it, she just doesn't feel it much anymore. I think you have 5 choices here:
1. Just accept it and learn to live with alot less sex.
2. Leave your wife and start over with someone else (doesn't sound like you want this option.)
3. Have an open marriage
4. Have an affair
5. Satisfy yourself inbetween the times that you are having sex.

My guess is that you will probably opt for options 1 or 5. Either way, it sucks. Before you consider any of these options, make sure your wife knows how much this means to you and see if she would at least be willing to compromise. 

Good luck, I know how it feels!


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

synonimous_anonymous said:


> I've tried again and again with romancing my way. Cooked dinner, nice wine, a massage and a nice movie


One thing is I think it a bad idea to place so much faith in your own devices when you've been given a proven guide to accomplish the goal. Though you present your case as rejected efforts, you might recognize them as failed efforts. In other words, it didn't work even though you feel you tried what you thought you knew to do. The first link in my first response in your other thread is a 40-day challenge that teaches you how to rekindle the romance so that you get "_that connection to be there for real_" and she wants you like you want her to, and she feels "_like she needs that physical connection as well_". So, stick to your own methods and devices or take the advice that was offered.



synonimous_anonymous said:


> as soon as I head for sex it's "I've got an early morning, let's not get into this right now."


It's no wonder really that while women are more complicated beings than men, we are not always difficult to understand, and not nearly so impossible as men often say we are. A woman doesn't want to feel like a foregone conclusion. It's a turnoff....big time. A woman doesn't want to feel like an object or mechanical device that was obtained to serve a purpose. It's a turnoff....big time. A woman doesn't want to feel like your efforts are motives. It's a turnoff....big time. A woman doesn't want to feel taken for granted. It's a big time turnoff. In return, you get "I have a headache" and other expressions of how well you accomplished......turning her off. While you do all these that you consider wonderful things by way of "romancing" her, you are turning her away because she senses/she knows/she has a gut feeling that you do them to get sex in return and she is expected to respond accordingly. But here's the news I hope you take to your grave - she is not mechanical.

None of this was your intention, and you want to tell me "I never considered my wife mechanical. I love and respect her." I know you do. And I know it was never your intention to take her granted. But your intention is not the point. How you feel about her is not the point. The point is how you make her feel. The point is, despite your intention, what is the end result? The end result is how you make her feel - mechanical, taken for granted, a foregone conclusion, etc. by your actions and what you do intend by those actions, which is to get sex.

The 40-day challenge (The Love Dare) teaches couples how to love unconditionally and how to be selfless and unconditional in their actions and efforts. Again, you can stick to your own methods and devices or take the advice that was offered.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> It's no wonder really that while women are more complicated beings than men, we are not always difficult to understand, and not nearly so impossible as men often say we are. A woman doesn't want to feel like a foregone conclusion. It's a turnoff....big time. A woman doesn't want to feel like an object or mechanical device that was obtained to serve a purpose. It's a turnoff....big time. A woman doesn't want to feel like your efforts are motives. It's a turnoff....big time. A woman doesn't want to feel taken for granted. It's a big time turnoff. In return, you get "I have a headache" and other expressions of how well you accomplished......turning her off. While you do all these that you consider wonderful things by way of "romancing" her, you are turning her away because she senses/she knows/she has a gut feeling that you do them to get sex in return and she is expected to respond accordingly. But here's the news I hope you take to your grave - she is not mechanical.


Susan2010,

I know we have mixed it up on a few occasions but I hope we can have a reasonable discourse on this.

So let's summarize:

A. A woman doesn't want to be taken for granted.
B. A woman doesn't want to feel like a foregone conclusion.
C. A woman doesn't want to feel like an object or mechanical device to serve a purpose.
D. A woman doesn't want to feel like efforts are motives.

Beleive it or not, I accept those above statemetns as true. I dont' think men want to feel like the above either too. Yeah, really! I was taken for granted big time in my relationship, a reality my stb-x has only learnt too well in our separation and divorce.

But yet, it didnt' really affect my desire for her and the desire to connect. It only intensified as she neglected me, if anything.

I am not convinced that one has to do with the other.

I am not saying your advice is bad - I mean really, it's the Golden Rule broken down. . ."do unto others."

But to present the above as a mainstay remedy to a frigid wife. . .I am not sure I buy it.

Mainly because it's my opinion, he doesn't control how she feels. Unless he's screaming from his couch, "Make me grilled cheese sandwiches now!" or something ridiculous, between "stimuli" and "response" there is a decision you make on how you want to react.

For instance, he cooks a romantic dinner at the dining room table. She comes in - the candlelit dinner on the table is the "stimuli". She is deciding then to "respond" with "He just wants sex."

Her reaction is "suspicion."

Welllll. . .yeah. . .he probably wants sex. What's so wrong about that? I am sure he wants dialogue, discussion, maybe make some vacation plans, and shared affection also.

Another woman though. . .her reaction isn't "suspicion", it's "appreciation and looking forward to a nite without the kids" and an opportunity to connect with the man she married.

I don't know. . .as I get older and maybe a bit wiser, I am on guard with the psychobabble with an Oprah slant. Nothing personal I hope you understand. I just think sex is more hormonal than I was led to beleive by pop media. I respect your opinion though, and I know we have disagreed inthe past. . .hopefully we can keep it civil. I am not attacking you - just criticizing the information.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Let me condense my usually verbose exposition into something more succinct:

I keep often hearing from a lot of women:

"If only he would treat me like such (or not treat me like such). .then I would. . ." (Insert: get horny)

When does that become a legitimate gripe and when is it being manipulative - getting hubby (or wifey) to jump and telling them "How high."?

(and I recently conversed with a woman who told me her husband was withholding sex to be subtely controlling so it does happen the other way too)


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Scannerguard, I only recall that we "mixed it up" once before but however many times it was, I don't look to be uncivil with you or anyone. You could simply ask me a question if you want without the preface. Now, speaking of preface, I need to make one LOL to say I hope you won't take offense to my response.

You not being convinced of something I stated is not up for discussion because I don't believe there is any possible way to convince you. I hope to impress upon you that, as I stated above, men and women are different in the way they think and feel when it comes to sex and emotions and such. But you challenge my statements here and my position with comparisons that don't apply. So, you make sure convincing you is not possible since there is no answer, being that no answer can result from comparing apples and oranges. I don't try to win debates by presenting impractical or unreasonable arguments. It's just not that important to me to be right. But I won't engage either when you deliberately tie my hands like that to ensure any hope of convincing you is lost. Please take my comments with no spite intended, and I do hope that one day you and I may enjoy lively exchange. It rained here this morning, but the remainder of the day was fair with a few peeps of sunshine.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Scannerguard said:


> For instance, he cooks a romantic dinner at the dining room table. She comes in - the candlelit dinner on the table is the "stimuli". She is deciding then to "respond" with "He just wants sex."
> 
> 
> 
> Another woman though. . .her reaction isn't "suspicion", it's "appreciation and looking forward to a nite without the kids" and an opportunity to connect with the man she married.


 I would respond with "Appreciation". All of us women have a choice in our reactions- even if the motives are what some might call a little selfish on the man's part. 

It is not like us women don't DO things to get what WE want. 

Some men simply can't win.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Susan,

No, I don't think I was setting you up to fall (if I may examine my own motives, LOL0. . .I was actually interested in hearing your opinion.

Yes, I was roundabout criticizing women of being capable of being manipulative with sex, as I am sure men are. Such is the "mating game" and I am aware of the game, and how it's "afoot", who the players are, and what the stakes are.

Anyway. . .thanks for the welcome on lively debate and I won't predicate my statements with disclaimers.

Now. . .all those pleasantries aside. . .how about I just say what I mean to say - I think guys have to be careful with your advice - trying to "please the woman" and "purify your motives". . .I don't know. . .something about it makes me somewhat uncomfortable.

It's very easy to fall into this dysfunctional cirlce of the man attempting everything but an Indian Sex Dance to make it rain and it won't work.

Again, I think sex is more hormonal and less psychological as I get older. . .

I say this because I know couples who fight over stuff, they bicker over this and that, the husband leaves the toilet seat up and sits there and watches TV while she gives the kids bath and tells him her mind. . .but you know. . .at the end of the day - she's horny, he's horny and they screw.

It's that simple.

The planets don't have to be in perfect alignment.


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