# Ex Wife Tagging Ex Hubby on Facebook Photos



## CCL (Aug 27, 2012)

Good morning all!!

Since you all rocked the house with your comments and responses to the Elk Meat issue, I thought I'd post an issue a friend is having and have you all weigh in.

She (Jane Doe) and hubby (John Doe) have been married about two years, both "Middle aged" no kids together. He was married twice before, 2 grown kids with XW#1 (divorced 15+ yrs), none with XW#2 (divorced 6or 7 years). She was married once before (divorced 13 yrs), had just one grown dog, lol. He is friends with both XW's on FB. She is not with her XH. Jane has met XW#1 and they get along fine (FB friends too). Never met #2 or cares to. Both exes live in other states. 

The issues is: XW#2 tagged three pix on FB of John. One is the two of them smiling for the camera side by side. The other two are just him. These pictures were taken at the time they were married.

Jane finds this inappropriate and disrespectful, especially the first one of John & XW#2 and asked him not to approve them to post (they're not on there yet, just pending). John thinks it's no big deal, all in the past and it was part of his previous life and he loves her not the X. He thinks Jane is over reacting.

My question to you fine readers is what do you think? I'll print the entire thread for Jane by the end of the day so she can read these unbiased opinions.

Thanks


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## CCL (Aug 27, 2012)

One thing I forgot. She said he told her that if her XH wanted to post and tag her in photos, he wouldn't mind since it's part of her past. 

My personal opinion is the past is the past and pictures should be left there. If it were me, I'd be upset like Jane.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I would find it disrespectful.

My cousin's wife posted a picture of herself with her dad. But here's the kicker, it was a picture of herself in her wedding dress posing with her dad at her wedding. Her first wedding, to her ex husband. Posting a picture of yourself on FB in the wedding dress at your first wedding? Ya, disrespectful.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

She can be upset, but I wonder if she would be so upset if XW#1 did the same thing? Difference being she KNOWS her, and is FB friends with her as well?

That said, I believe that John wouldn't care, but this one isn't about him caring or not. It bothers his wife, so that should be the end of it.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> She can be upset, but I wonder if she would be so upset if XW#1 did the same thing? Difference being she KNOWS her, and is FB friends with her as well?
> 
> That said, I believe that John wouldn't care, but this one isn't about him caring or not.* It bothers his wife, so that should be the end of it*.


:iagree: This kind of thing shouldn't be encouraged, either, so by "approving" the post, the ex will just keep it up. Even if I were friends with my ex, I wouldn't pull that kind of stuff. The past is the past, period. So I'd show this thread to Jane AND John, lol.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

That's just weird. Why would she want to post those? I would say no way to that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

CCL said:


> My question to you fine readers is what do you think? I'll print the entire thread for Jane by the end of the day so she can read these unbiased opinions.
> 
> Thanks



I have a different opinion than the wife and some of the people here. The wife is clearly overreacting.

I think some people misunderstand what a Facebook page is. It is *NOT* Match.com, a dating site, a flirting site, or a pickup site (although, yes some people do use it that way, but you can use anything for flirting if you want to).

It's also not a couple's site. *The husband's Facebook page is about HIM. It's about HIS life.* His ex-wives were part of that history, part of that life, and his ex-wives were also the mothers of his children. "Tagging" a photo doesn't really mean anything except that you want people to see the photo. There's nothing disrespectful about it per se.

And honestly, considering how most ex's either hold a grudge or are at each other's throats, I would consider it a good sign that his ex-wives don't hate him. 

Now, if he was flirting with these ex-wives, sending them inappropriate comments, or putting messages under their photos like "ooo sexy", then that would be disrespectful. But unless that's the case, I think the wife should let him run his page the way he wants to, and she runs her page the way she wants to.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> It bothers his wife, so that should be the end of it.


I see that attitude on TAM a lot, but it's simply not healthy. If a 
husband wanted to visit his children from a previous marriage, should he stop if it bothers his wife? If a wife wanted to go back to college, should she stop if it bothers her husband? Every situation is different. The simple fact that one spouse is offended isn't always a legitimate standard for behavior in a marriage.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Theseus said:


> I see that attitude on TAM a lot, but it's simply not healthy. If a
> husband wanted to visit his children from a previous marriage, should he stop if it bothers his wife? If a wife wanted to go back to college, should she stop if it bothers her husband? Every situation is different. The simple fact that one spouse is offended isn't always a legitimate standard for behavior in a marriage.


Sorry but visiting children from a previous marriage and this are like apples and oranges IMO. And yes every situation is different, which is why I questioned if the first ex did it would the W have a problem...

She doesn't like it. She can feel that way, her feelings aren't any more wrong than his. The issue is she feels slighted by the photo. She wouldn't put pics of herself and exes on her page because she finds it disrespectful to her husband to do so. The issue is that HE doesn't feel the same way as she does about his exes. They don't see eye to eye, it happens.

Would it kill him NOT to post the pic with him and his ex on it? I think not. It would save his wife some angst. What's more important? Facebook or his wife's feelings?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Also, going back to college shouldn't OFFEND a spouse either. That IMO is just silly. I would have a tough time trying to reconcile that one with my husband. If he came to me and said I offended him because I wanted to educate myself, I would think he lost his mind and was being ridiculous.

I would still go. He would have to get over that one.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

Boundary violation. Im militant about protecting my marriage from outside douches. The answer is no effing way


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

I would never allow this to go on. Once my divorce is final, I am telling my exwife to remove all photos of me off of her facebook page. I am also having her change her name back. If you don't want me in you life, then take all of me out of your life. Granted my wound is fresh, but if down the road I remarry, and my ex tries to tag me in an old photo, I would put a stop to that. I would think she is trying to start something, and I would not have any part in it.


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

I would have no problem with it. I think it's unfair to expect someone's life to disappear just because you walked into it. It can't hurt so much to know - or for others to know- that your SO had a life before you. As was stated earlier, I am sure I don't have the wrong impression of FB. It can be about your whole life, not just your current status.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> Would it kill him NOT to post the pic with him and his ex on it? I think not. It would save his wife some angst. What's more important? Facebook or his wife's feelings?


Would it kill her if he tags pics with him and his ex on it? I think not. It makes him happy. What's more important? Facebook or the husband's feelings? 

True, it shouldn't be a huge problem. But likewise, that also means the wife doesn't need to get upset over such a small issue. I could understand your point better if he was cheating or doing something morally wrong, but he isn't. "Wife's feelings" (as well as husband's feelings) can't trump everything her husband does, unless that husband simply wants to hand over control of his entire life. But I assume most spouses don't want to do that. If I were the husband, I might stop or I might not. But if I did stop, it would only be to cave in for the sake of peace. That's like racking up credit card debt though - it's so easy in the short run, but you can end up paying a lot more in the long run.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

CCL said:


> The issues is: XW#2 tagged three pix on FB of John. One is the two of them smiling for the camera side by side. The other two are just him. These pictures were taken at the time they were married.
> 
> Jane finds this inappropriate and disrespectful, especially the first one of John & XW#2 and asked him not to approve them to post (they're not on there yet, just pending). John thinks it's no big deal, all in the past and it was part of his previous life and he loves her not the X. He thinks Jane is over reacting.


Could you clarify this for me? Perhaps it is my lack of knowledge about FB, but who is posting the pictures, John or XW#2? And what do you mean by "approve"?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Theseus said:


> Would it kill her if he tags pics with him and his ex on it? I think not. It makes him happy. What's more important? Facebook or the husband's feelings?
> 
> True, it shouldn't be a huge problem. But likewise, that also means the wife doesn't need to get upset over such a small issue. I could understand your point better if he was cheating or doing something morally wrong, but he isn't. "Wife's feelings" (as well as husband's feelings) can't trump everything her husband does, unless that husband simply wants to hand over control of his entire life. But I assume most spouses don't want to do that. If I were the husband, I might stop or I might not. But if I did stop, it would only be to cave in for the sake of peace. That's like racking up credit card debt though - it's so easy in the short run, but you can end up paying a lot more in the long run.



He can't control what his XW does. That's a given. He can control what he allows onto his page. His wife would like it if he did NOT allow the pic with him and his ex be posted onto his profile page, and in turn in all his friends feeds (pics posted aren't just for you, because if you have any friends, they'll see them too). 

Maybe it's an ego thing. Who knows? We have FB pages and I would be unnerved to see my husband and his ex in a pic together in my feed, and annoyed that that same pic is floating in all of his friends (some of them mutual to me) news feed. I would tell him I didn't like it, but it totally is his choice to allow it or not. 

I wouldn't post pics of me and my XH's on my page. But then again, I'm not 'friends' with them either. They're in my past, and they stay there. I have a child with one, and I wouldn't care to speak to him other than when it came to my child... who now is grown, so YAY!!! done with that too.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

Theseus said:


> Would it kill her if he tags pics with him and his ex on it? *I think not. It makes him happy.* What's more important? Facebook or the husband's feelings?


Does it make him happy, though? He said it's no big deal. So should not be a big deal if he didn't put the pics up. Since his ex is the one initiating all this in the first place, if she hadn't, there would be nothing to post.

You choose your battles in marriage. I don't see how this one is a battle worth taking on. Your other examples, like going to school or visiting kids, is an entirely different matter.

But an ex in a different state with no kids together? I just see this whole thing as attention seeking from her. You know he's moved on and is married. Keep your memories, send an occasional happy bday message, but inserting pics from your time together to encourage you to post them on your wall? Sorry, I see this as inappropriate.


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## CCL (Aug 27, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Could you clarify this for me? Perhaps it is my lack of knowledge about FB, but who is posting the pictures, John or XW#2? And what do you mean by "approve"?


Finally have a moment to step in. XW#2 is posting the pictures. John has his settings to approve photos/tags etc before they're published. I never knew you could do that until now.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

I kind of a agree that I think wife#3 is overreacting a little.

Some people are very much into facebooking & logging their lives...and almost making a chronicle of their times on this earth.. posting it for all the world to see. Some people couldn't give two hoots, and never "look up" whats going on in anyone's lives but their own.

I think there are types of people, that are trying to super-organize their lives. They are putting a whole bunch of past photos on facebook, and just have a habit of "tagging" anyone that is in the photo. They are just marking who is in the photo.

Why is that so "wrong" to do?? How is that disrespectful to the wife #3???

I mean, back in the day.... when you relied on old photos stuck away in a box. I remember rummaging thru the old black & white photos of my parents & aunts & uncles days. I'd flip them over to see who was in the photo.

One aunt/grandma was very good at logging who was in each photo.. dates taken, &/or ages of the people in the picture. The other pictures.. (mostly my mom's).. we'd flip over & NOTHING.. written on the back. Have no clue if it was a distant cousin from years gone by, or maybe just a friend of hers sent a photo of their children. 

My sister started marking the photos of some that she knew. Now decades later, when we go to mom's & rummage thru the old photos, it's really nice to know who was in the picture.

I truely feel that that is the current trend that is going on in facebook. People are uploading Years & Years of backlogged photos of their lives, (wether with ex-spouses, ex-friends, or current spouses).. and then tagging the photos (ie, writing on the back!) 

Are you going to get all upset when facebook adds options that you can tag not only the persons name, but can put the age that the person was in the photo, or approximate date taken?? 

I can see that trend happening very soon. With all the people uploading old photos, facebook is going to adapt and allow them to make any comment they desire on their photos.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Also, the ex wife is putting the photos on HER facebook page. Not your husbands. She is compiling what happened into HER life onto HER facebook page.

He doesn't care. Okay, so he doesn't approve of the tag. Then what ? She'll put a comment under the picture instead of tagging it. Comment saying this was ex-husband such-n-so. 

Are you going to monitor her facebook postings to see if she mentions his name in the photo comments? Doesn't that show you care more about this than you should?

Hell, she's not trying to hook up with wife#3's man. Shes just uploading old photos.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

It's like a public photo album, or framing a picture and putting it out for all to see.

Yes it would be disrespectful of me to frame a picture of my ex and I for everyone to see when they came over, so same for FB photos. You respect the person you are with, and if they don't want you tagging old pictures of yourself with exes then so be it.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I was very glad when my fiance detagged himself from photos that his EA put up of him and her. Including the photos from before he and I met.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

*LittleDeer* said:


> It's like a public photo album, or framing a picture and putting it out for all to see.



Not really the same thing. It's the ex-wife that is putting the picture out for all to see on her facebook page. The husband only "tagged" it.


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## MissKiss (Mar 30, 2013)

My opinion is that it is indeed no big deal. The husband has been a part of that woman's life, too. There is no way the last wife can take that from her. Even if a relationship is ended, memories and photos remain. There is no way to take that from someone, either. 
So, if wife #2 shows those pictures in an album to people, it is her right and nobody can stop her. What difference is between showing them in an album, or posting them on FB? Unless they were accompanied by an offensive description, I don't see the problem.
Our SO are not our properties. They had a past before us, period.


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

I have pictures of my family in the house and a couple have my ex in them. I think it would be mean to my kids and petty on my behalf to take those down just so I don't have her picture there anymore. The wedding and other pictures of us are gone because it hurt me to see but I won't let the end of our marriage make my kids' lives seem ugly to look at. 

I wonder about this difference of opinion. It's called disrespectful by some here. I don't think of my past life as disrespectful including images of it whether in my house or on Facebook. Is it that the image is considered "honoring" someone other than your current SO? Really would like more input on how pictures of our lives hurt other people's feelings.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

But WHY is the ex tagging pics of the hubby I ask myself?
Maybe she wants to cause trouble between John and wife no3!!!
Looks like she's achieved that!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

She's tagging, just because she's naming who's in the picture. 

Just like if you had physical paper photos, some people put the names & dates on the back.

WHY is tagging considered so bad?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

mule kick said:


> I have pictures of my family in the house and a couple have my ex in them. I think it would be mean to my kids and petty on my behalf to take those down just so I don't have her picture there anymore. The wedding and other pictures of us are gone because it hurt me to see but I won't let the end of our marriage make my kids' lives seem ugly to look at.
> 
> I wonder about this difference of opinion. It's called disrespectful by some here. I don't think of my past life as disrespectful including images of it whether in my house or on Facebook. Is it that the image is considered "honoring" someone other than your current SO? Really would like more input on how pictures of our lives hurt other people's feelings.


I have no issue with the kids having family pictures up, and I keep all family pictures, they are put in a drawer though or in old albums, they are not on public display. 

I would wonder why my partners ex felt the need to put up and tag him in old pictures. I have plenty of old pictures I don't need to put any of my ex up in them. 

I'm just not comfortable with them and that's OK.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Update? How did this one end?

I'm hoping the H decided it wasn't worth it and disallowed the tagged photo to be posted to his page.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

CCL said:


> Finally have a moment to step in. XW#2 is posting the pictures. John has his settings to approve photos/tags etc before they're published. I never knew you could do that until now.


Thanks for the clarification.

With respect to the posting, I think W#3 needs to let that go. Nothing can be done about it, and these pictures are about her life. Getting mad just gives her power, so let it go.

Regarding the tags, does she tag everyone, or just him. If it is everyone, then again I say let it go, as it sounds like it is a photo album she is sharing with her FB friends. If it is just him, the husband should be asked why he is approving. If the reason is sound and there are no other issues, than probably not a big deal. But since this is being raised, I can't help but wonder if there are other issues that feed this.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

MissKiss said:


> My opinion is that it is indeed no big deal. The husband has been a part of that woman's life, too. There is no way the last wife can take that from her. Even if a relationship is ended, memories and photos remain. There is no way to take that from someone, either.
> So, if wife #2 shows those pictures in an album to people, it is her right and nobody can stop her. What difference is between showing them in an album, or posting them on FB? Unless they were accompanied by an offensive description, I don't see the problem.
> Our SO are not our properties. They had a past before us, period.


ExW can do whatever she wants. If it were me, and I just HAD to put a pic of my exH up, I wouldn't tag it, though, especially if he was married. Disrespectful and unnecessary. 

So I see issue with the H approving the tag and putting the pics up on his page.


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## Sussieq (Apr 6, 2013)

Theseus said:


> I have a different opinion than the wife and some of the people here. The wife is clearly overreacting.
> 
> I think some people misunderstand what a Facebook page is. It is *NOT* Match.com, a dating site, a flirting site, or a pickup site (although, yes some people do use it that way, but you can use anything for flirting if you want to).
> 
> ...


I agree with you 100%. I wouldn't create a problem where there isn't a problem. On the other hand, I wouldn't marry a guy who was married twice before me.


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## Sussieq (Apr 6, 2013)

CCL said:


> Good morning all!!
> 
> Since you all rocked the house with your comments and responses to the Elk Meat issue, I thought I'd post an issue a friend is having and have you all weigh in.
> 
> ...


Jane is overreacting. But why is Jane perusing John's Facebook page anyway? How well did Jane know John before she married him?


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## CCL (Aug 27, 2012)

Hi all... Busy weekend and just checking back in. John disapproved the tags, but the pix are still up on XW#2 page. Nothing anyone can do about that. I think Jane was just upset because of the one with John & XW#2 standing together and smiling. 

But what I find interesting is XW#2 has that picture on her page and two more of just John. Weird. 

I printed this out for Jane. The ball is in her court and I thank you all for your responses. The folks here at TAM are awesome!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Sussieq said:


> Jane is overreacting. But why is Jane perusing John's Facebook page anyway? How well did Jane know John before she married him?


Am I interpreting this question correctly, that is, you're asking someone would look at their spouse's FB wall? Is that really unfathomable?


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## Althea789 (Apr 12, 2013)

I got this said:


> Boundary violation. Im militant about protecting my marriage from outside douches. The answer is no effing way


I agree.


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

Was just thinking about this topic again and wanted to throw a maybe relevant perspective in the conversation. You do realize you would be telling your spouse they must deny their own name and image on behalf of your boundary issues. Want to know how that is reasonable.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I think the ex husband should unfriend his ex wives and block them. Problem solved. Isn't it time that these people get on with their lives? :scratchhead: What is the POINT of all this? :slap:

Pics of my ex husband are on my FB but he is shown with my kids on various family trips from the past. If I was involved with someone and it bothered him to see it, I'd take them down. 

Some things aren't worth fighting for or holding on to.


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