# What to say when he comes home from work?



## ladybugd (Apr 6, 2009)

Ok, I understand that when a guy comes home from work, he needs some time to unwind. That's fine. I try my best to do that. However, am I not supposed to talk to him at all for the first hour after he walks through the door? I'm asking because I was informed 2 days ago that he never ever comes in from work that I have anything positive to say. 

Honestly I'm wracking my brain to come up with what is negative with what I say. I did ask him for some examples of my negativity and the only thing he could come up with was me telling him that our son wouldn't do his work. I home school our two children and on a fairly regular basis, DH comes home an hour or two before we are done. And yes, I do ask him to please talk to our son and see if he can get him to do his work. DH seems to be able to put the fear of God into DS where I can't all the time. Anyway, aside from that, he really couldn't come up with anything. 

As to the homeschooling, I'm contemplating not doing it next year. I feel that if he can't give me some support, particularly when he's the one who wants them home schooled in the first place, then I really don't want to do it at all.

But on to the complaining. I'll give some examples of things I might say to him when he first comes in from work.

1.) I'm a little tired so as soon as we're done with school I think I'm going to lay down for a bit. Is that cool with you?

2.) Today is (fill in day) and the kids and I have (fill in activity) so we need to be out the door by (fill in time).

3.) Hey, I don't really have anything planned for dinner. Is there something you'd like?

4.) My sister-in-law called today and we talked for an hour. 

5.) I need to go get some dishes done right now. 

6.) Hey, I was reading on the news that (fill in current event) happened today. What do you think of that?

7.) Hey, I got a little behind on the housekeeping today so would you please do xyz chore once you've rested up a bit?

This is all I can think of right now off the top of my head. If any of this is negative, could you give me some examples of how I could reword it to make it more positive? I'm really tired of being accused of constant negativity to the point that I don't want to talk to him at all.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

I understand your frustration, but I understand his as well. When I worked out of the home full time - it drove me nuts when the minute I walked in the door my daughter started in with "Mom, I need this" and "Mom this is due blah" and "Mom, so and so said X". They weren't negative things...but it was the fact that I had been at work for 8 or 9 hours, plus commute and when I walked in the door I wanted just a bit of time before being bombarded by the need to deal with more issues, questions, etc. I just wanted to relax for a bit. I guess if we flip this - how would you feel if your husband walked through the door and started with the same "Honey I'm tired after a long day at work, I'm going to go lay down" "I'm hungry, when is dinner?" "Did you wash my shirts for tomorrow?"

It is old fashioned, but I try and greet my husband everyday when he walks through the door with a smile, a hug and a kiss. Then I let him go put his stuff away, read some news, etc for a half hour or so before going into any decision type making discussions. Its just easier than what happens if not. If its something this small that will make your night go more smoothly....is it to much to ask?


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

I hear ya on this one. My H and I had the same problem, after a hard day at work he would get frustrated if I came at him with even the simplest of questions (what do you want for dinner? did you hear about the wreck on the interstate?) right when he walked through the door. I didn’t get it, what he doesn’t want to talk to his wife after being away from her all day long? That should be a relief, shouldn’t it? Well when our schedules changed and I started arriving home later than him, I realized exactly what he meant! When I first walk in the door I don’t want to be asked any questions (not even, how was your day?) or have to make any decisions or really have to think much at all. I want to walk in, get out of my work clothes and unwind for a few minutes before I talk to anyone. We agreed that the way we will greet each other upon returning home after work is with a kiss hello and that’s it until we’re both ready for interaction. Now, H and I don’t have kids so there usually isn’t anything pressing that we have to deal with right away. If there is something pressing (meaning it can’t wait half an hour) then by all means you should feel free to discuss it and your H should be a willing participant.

It’s not necessarily that you are wording things in a negative way, it’s that he likely doesn’t want to have to think or have any discussions for a little while after he gets home. It seems like he’s trying to tell you this without hurting your feelings but doesn't really know how. I’m not saying your day is a piece of cake by comparison, certainly not seeing as though you are home schooling two children. It sounds to me like you probably need a little break at the end of the day also. I think that leaving him alone completely for an entire hour is a little much. Can you both compromise and give him 15 minutes or so before you start having any sort of discussion that requires thought? Can he then turn around and give you the same courtesy once he’s unwound? Honestly, I find that I unwind fairly quickly when given the space to do so and most times it’s just a matter of 5-10 minutes before I’m back on an even keel. When we're both on an even keel I find that it's much easier to interact and our dealings with each other are mostly pleasant.

A couple other thoughts… Do you feel your husband refuses to give you support in general when it comes to the kids? Is it possible that this a symptom of a larger problem? 

Do you find yourself being negative in general or complaining a lot? Really take some time to think about this. We're a cynical society and it can be surprising how much we trend towards the negative.


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## ladybugd (Apr 6, 2009)

I think I get what you're saying. 

I really feel like crying right now because this looks like a no win situation no matter how it's sliced. 

He leaves for work at 4:30 in the morning. I'm still in bed at that time. He gets home anywhere between 1pm and 5pm. On Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, either one or both kids have some activity. I usually have to be out of the house and on our way by 5:30. Quite often, he's in bed when I get back. 

If he comes in at 1, great wonderful. There's plenty of time for him to unwind before I have to be out of the house but if he doesn't get home until 4:30 or later, I either talk to him then or not at all. 

Here's the clincher, you asked how I'd feel if he walked strait in from work and bombarded me with all those questions. He does, and it's irritating. But I figure that since we have such a short time to communicate, it's just one of those things that has to be dealt with. I don't call him asking me if he has clean pants negativity. I don't think he's ever walked into the house without first asking me if I made tea but I don't think it's being negative. He likes to have a glass of tea when he gets home so he'll ask me if I made any. That's it. No negativity.

Why the double standard?


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## ladybugd (Apr 6, 2009)

WantsHappiness, he doesn't really support me at all in anything. He's very much a male chauvinist (and proud of the fact). I knew this before we got married though so... It's just something I have to deal with. He doesn't believe I do anything all day. Never has and I've never had a job where I worked as hard as he does. *shrugs* 

And yes, I'm aware that I am as a general rule pretty negative. This is why I try to keep any conversations with him to just the bare facts no matter when I'm talking to him. But even then, I'm accused of negativity.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

People may often forget what you say, but they generally don't forget how you make them feel. So if you complain, they won't remember the particulars of your complaint, but they will remember the emotion of feeling put upon.

The immediate problem you have with the "return from work" is that he's shifted mental gears.  Suppose your car broke down and you couldn't get cell service so you had to walk to the nearest gas station for help. And you see a gas station, and you start to think "Aha! Now I can get help!" But it's closed, and there's a sign out front that says "Last gas 50 miles." You expected to be done, and that was dashed to the ground. That's what it's like to come home from work, expecting to be able to decompress, and suddenly get hit with problems or troubles or something.

It's not your fault: the world doesn't stop just because he's coming home from work. Problems still have to be solved. But insofar as you can, you shouldn't hit him with them at that particular moment. Let him have a little unwind time, save non-emergencies for later, let him enjoy the experience of his home as the place where, when he gets there, he gets to decompress. Whatever's wrong, unless it's a major emergency, let it wait for a while.

To answer your direct question about what to say: walk up to him, hug him, kiss him, and say "Welcome home, my handsome genius of a husband!" Yes, it's over the top, but that makes it funny and funny is almost always good. See if that doesn't improve his mood. (NOTE: you can't say that if he'll think you're making fun of him.)

Ref: Matt Groening's cartoon _Life in Hell_, titled "The 9 Types of Girlfriends": http://www.fussy.org/girlfriends.jpg.


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

First off, you have one of the toughest jobs in the world being a stay-at-home mom and home schooling your kids on top of it. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise! 

I just read your other thread on this site from last year and if things haven’t changed I have to say, you’re in a really tough spot especially given his schedule. It changes my advice a little bit too and I’ll try not to get too wordy. I agree completely, there should not be a double standard here. That’s why I suggested that if you agree to give him the time to unwind it’s only fair he do the same for you. The examples you gave in your OP are not negative themselves, it’s that he receives them in a negative manner because he doesn’t want to be bugged when he gets home. I think artie’s example is the perfect illustration of what’s going on with him in this case. 

There is no universe in which it’s okay that he doesn’t support you. It’s a husband’s job to support his wife and a wife’s job to do the same for her husband. It sounds like you're doing all of the giving and he's doing all of the receiving and that can't lead anywhere good. In my opinion communication and compromise are two of the most important things in a marriage. If you want to work on these things you should be direct and honest with him about how you feel when he tells you that you’re always negative with him and how you feel when he doesn’t support you or help out with the kids. Maybe print out your first post on this thread for him to read. Make sure he knows that you do understand he needs time to unwind and you’re trying to provide it for him but that you have needs as well. This avenue might take a lot of work and even then you might not get the results you hope for but at least you will have tried. 

Do you still plan to leave him when the kids are grown regardless? Have you talked to him about it yet? If you’re still resigned to doing so, maybe you need to tackle this a little differently in which case I’d say to completely ignore the above paragraph. Instead of working on the marriage, lay it all out there. Tell him you’re planning to leave as soon as the kids are old enough and develop some guidelines and boundaries as far as what you both need to put into it to be effective parents only. Set it up so it’s more of a co-parent roommates thing with no spousal expectations. It’s practically the way things are on your end anyway if you get no support from him.

What about forgetting about him altogether and just working on making sure you are as happy as you can be in the current situation? Work on your negativity and improving yourself in any other way you feel is necessary. Join a gym or take up some hobbies. Start saving so that when the kids are grown you can jet and get back to an area where you have the support of family and friends.


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## ladybugd (Apr 6, 2009)

Thank you Artieb and WantsHappiness.

I talked to him last night and asked him specifically, how long he needs to unwind before I start talking to him about anything at all. He did admit that it's not so much that I'm always negative but that he just doesn't want to talk about anything at all good, bad or indifferent for the first 10 or 15 minutes after he gets home. OK, fine by me. 

He also admitted that when he comes home from work, he does still tend to be in go mode and once he sits down, he doesn't want to get back up again. I am aware of this too which is one of the reasons that if, for example, I need a light bulb changed or some other thing done, I often hit him as soon as he walks through the door. He admitted that if I don't do that, whatever I'm asking probably won't get done because once he's done for the day, he's done for the day. 

I asked him how we could solve the problem. Here's his solution. If I don't have anything that just has to be done, just leave him alone for 15 minutes when he gets home. If I do have something that he really needs to do that day, go ahead and hit him with it because he knows that once he sits down, he won't feel like doing it. He even told me that if he starts fussing about it, I could remind him of this. Even though he said that, I'm still not so sure. I think the best thing to do is to just let him sit for his 15 minutes and then tell him that tomorrow when he comes in, could he possibly take care of xyz as soon as he gets in. 

It will probably take some work to get the kids to leave him alone when he comes in. They have a tendency to attack like little puppies as soon as he walks through the door and tell him all about everything that happened in their day. He even fusses at the dog for being excited when he gets home. Too bad all 4 of us can't conveniently be gone for 15 minutes when he gets home. *lightbulb* Actually, that might not be such a bad idea for all of us to be ready to walk out the door and as soon as he gets in, the kids and I will take the dog for a short walk. Then when we get back, he's unwound and we can all bombard him with whatever we need to bombard him with.

I really don't want to leave him. Unfortunately, when we do start fussing, it's all I can think about. The problem there, I think, is that I really don't say too much about my dissatisfaction about things for a very long time then about once or twice a year, it all boils over and it all spills out at once. And then we end up having a week long spat. I don't know how healthy this is or how to change it.

Still, even with all the problems we have, I love him, I think he loves me and I know that we both love the kids very much and want what's best for them. Neither of us thinks divorce is what's best.

Oh, by the way, the cartoon was really cute. I think I'm somewhere between "Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied" and "Huffy." I definitely need to work on my attitude. It stinks.


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

Oh I’m so glad you guys were able to talk about it! It sounds like it was a really productive conversation and I love the idea of taking the dog for a walk with the kids when he gets home to give him some time to unwind. It will help him to enjoy hearing about everything that happened in your and your children’s day 

I am very much the same as you, I try not to nitpick about every little thing but sometimes instead of letting the little things go I let them build up and it gets to a point where I’m ready to explode. You guys have the communication thing downpat once it does boil over so if you’re okay like that then don’t change it. My H and I went through counseling recently and I am trying to learn how to tell him when I’m unhappy with something, even the small stuff even if it’s just to vent, so that it doesn’t build up inside of me and cause bigger problems. 

A friend of mine is going through counseling to work on her negativity (it’s why I asked about it initially) and one of her exercises is to write down the negative thoughts she has throughout the day. It helps to look back at it in print to first see what goes through your mind and also to learn how to change the pattern of thought.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If it is at all possible, your h should go for a 30 minute jog before he gets home. If he makes it a low-demand form of exercise (no special equipment, easy change of clothes, easy place to get to), he is more likely to do it and it can solve this transition problem pretty easily. You and the kids could plan a 30 minute job together for that time of day too--gets everyone on the same schedule, reduces tension, and of course is SO good for your body. If you need to work up to it, fine, but pretty soon 30 minutes can become something you can do easily enough that it doesn't hurt to do it daily (jog, don't run!).

I had a job once where I walked home about 2 miles and realized that I was never "mean" when I got home from that job! Fortunately, I was single before I learned that--I just always knew I felt like strangling someone when I got home--I used to joke that "The stress of being polite and cheerful 8 hours a day is too much for me!" I'm actually a pretty darn happy person, so that particular "low point" always bothered me. A post work/pre-family work out has done wonders for me!

This is a suggestion that may meet with 100 +1 excuses. That's all they are. Many people don't have time to "go to the gym," but that's b/c they turn it into a major production. Don't. Make a commitment as a family to 30 minutes a day, everyday, and see what a difference it makes. It will be worth any "sacrifice" you have to make to make it happen.


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## ladybugd (Apr 6, 2009)

Thanks guys. Things are a little better. I think I may be a little gun shy though. Thursday when he got home from work he asked me something just as soon as he walked in the door. The answer was something I knew he wouldn't be really happy to hear so I told him that I didn't want to talk about it right then and risk the chance of him accusing me of complaining or being negative. He got a little irritated but...

Anyway, as for getting DH to exercise. Forget about it. He keeps saying the he's going to do something but after 9 years of promises with out results, I'm kind of like I'll believe it when I see it. We did belong to our local YMCA for the first few years we were married and we used to go hiking every weekend. When I got pregnant with my daughter, I quit working and we didn't really have the money for the YMCA membership or the trips to the hiking areas so he pretty much quit doing any kind of exercise at all. I still walked A LOT but he rarely went with me. *shrugs* I'd hoped that we'd at least be able to pick our hiking trips back up later but then he told my best friend that he'd hated our hiking trips. Oh well.


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## Young and Confused (Mar 16, 2010)

I can definitely understand where you are coming from. When my fiance comes through the door from work it is like I am walking on eggshells. He said that I need to stop talking to the side of his face but when it is always glued to the TV what else am I supposed to do?

I have just started not talking to him until he talks to me this way I can tell what type of a mood he is in and I wont get us into a fight. Sometimes though we still fight because I am the one who takes care of the baby and I go to school full time and work part time and yet when he gets home he rarely even acknowledges our baby. it is very frustrating.


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## ladybugd (Apr 6, 2009)

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. My husband for the most part is pretty good with the kids (except for when he first walks in the door after work). He really doesn't want much to do with the schooling even though home schooling them was more his idea than mine which is really frustrating but he's pretty good outside of school. 

I will say that when they were babies, they were pretty much all mine. He just couldn't handle them really until they were about 3 years old. So it's possible that when the baby is older he might get better. I know that's not real helpful right now... Not sure what else to offer.


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