# Pregnant again (after affair)



## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

What a shock this is to me. I was on BC. Missed my monthly twice but figured it was my body getting used to to the pills. Never in a million years thought it would be pregnancy, until I started getting sick. So now I am already 11 or so weeks pregnant, while dealing with reconciling. 

My feelings are all over the place. This is going to be a THIRD baby, and if you read back on my posts, my husband cheated on me with a young girl at work days before our 2nd was born (this was only 8 months ago). 

I do NOT believe in abortion ... just need to say that. I also do not see how I will handle this emotionally. 

Our church friends say this is God saying we need to stick together and this baby is a gift. I do believe babies are all gifts. But I still haven't felt like my husband has done all the work he needs to do to reconcile. 

I know you are all probably going to say I am an idiot. I feel like one already.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

Just to clarify, is this your husband's baby, or the result of an affair you had as revenge for his affair (I wasn't sure from the subject of the post)? 

I'm curious as to why you'd tell church goers so early in your pregnancy. They seem to be the most judgmental and gossipy types of people. You really need neither quality in people you surround yourself with right now...


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

I am so sorry. Considering you were pregnant the last time I know that you must be all messed up with how to feel about this baby. It's not a planned child ect. 

I am a very quick to act person. I will act in anger and hurt and not in my own best interest. My husband also cheated on me while I was pregnant. I didn't know it at the time. When I conceived he was in an (I LOVE YOU) type of relationship ONLINE. Maybe leave my wife, etc. Had i known i would never have chosen to conceive. Had I found out during the early days I would have had an abortion. I know myself and how i would have reacted. 

As luck would have had it, THANK GOD i did not find out about the cheating until that baby boy was eight months old. 

I hated my husband for his actions because i knew had i found out about it I would have killed my child (Abortion). I would have acted stupidly (for myself-not calling women who have abortions stupid, just myself) I would never have met my youngest and known the amazing person he is. My husbands infidelity could have driven me to eliminate such a special ******. 

i still hate my husbands actions, but I also hate my own self. I know what i would have done. I hate myself for that. 

You are amazing. This baby will be AMAZING. put the jerk out of your head when it comes to this baby. 

He is not going to be the person you want through this pregnancy. It will take unbelievable action to make you feel right and safe in the next 7 months. I think you should have ZERO expectations otherwise you might find yourself hormonally angry A LOT. 

What does the WH think about the new baby? 

BTW, i have three sons. Graduating to three kids is not so hard when the new one is a baby. My last little star is three now, and my life just now got insane. It was a delayed effect.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

adegirl2016 said:


> Our church friends say this is God saying we need to stick together and this baby is a gift. I do believe babies are all gifts. But I still haven't felt like my husband has done all the work he needs to do to reconcile.


For some reason, God seems to give more gifts to women in under-developed countries, while women in more developed countries are more successful in refusing these gifts.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

It is my husbands baby. Sorry for the title lol. I see how it can be read differently. I have not had an affair myself, but am pregnant with my unfaithful husband. 

I told my small group at church. I love my church bc they are the opposite of judge mental and gossipy. They have really been a huge help to me. But they can only help so much... 

I like the idea of zero expectations. 

He is excited about the baby and says this will give him a chance to be there for me and to help me finally have a great pregnancy. He basically ruined both of my past ones.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Edo Edo said:


> Just to clarify, is this your husband's baby, or the result of an affair you had as revenge for his affair (I wasn't sure from the subject of the post)?
> 
> I'm curious as to why you'd tell church goers so early in your pregnancy. They seem to be the most judgmental and gossipy types of people. You really need neither quality in people you surround yourself with right now...


Thanks for the bias. Very helpful to tell someone in crisis in her marriage that she should also abandon what is for a lot of people, a very solid and loving support system. 

And for the record, I do not go to church, so I'm not defending my tribe here. 

It's not helpful to make such a sweeping statement. There may be some very helpful, supportive people there. Telling her to ditch what may be her greatest outside source of strength at this time is very bad form.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

adegirl2016 said:


> It is my husbands baby. Sorry for the title lol. I see how it can be read differently. I have not had an affair myself, but am pregnant with my unfaithful husband.
> 
> I told my small group at church. I love my church bc they are the opposite of judge mental and gossipy. They have really been a huge help to me. But they can only help so much...
> 
> ...



My husband also said that about our third. The one he was cheating me through. lol. YES, the low expectations will help a LOT. I wish I had. Even though I didn't know he was cheating, i still thought he was being a jerk through the pregnancy. Little did I know. Lol. Then after that baby he runs off and get a vasectomy. Now, granted I wasnt sure if I wanted more kids. I have 3 SONS.... I always wanted a girl. Now im pissed off at him for taking away our chance at a girl. :/ i think my expectations are what killed me. 

I think you just need space to process this new baby. You got pregnant before you were even sure you want to work it out. Just focus on Objective one. Baby! Try to find joy in it for your sake. Looking back this may be the last time you are pregnant. PAMPER YOURSELF. if you have the money i suggest you go to a spa and hotel overnight one night very soon. Without the husband. You need YOU AND BABY time.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Edo Edo said:


> I'm curious as to why you'd tell church goers so early in your pregnancy. They seem to be the most judgmental and gossipy types of people. You really need neither quality in people you surround yourself with right now...


Ain't it the truth. And I am a Christian. The non-judgmental ones seem to be the exception rather than the rule



adegirl2016 said:


> Our church friends say this is God saying we need to stick together and this baby is a gift.


No, it isn't God saying you should stay with him. Don't let the goofy Christians tell you so. They see signs everywhere. It's laughable. Knew a lady at church who accidentally burnt herself with some spilled coffee in a coffee house and she said it must be a sign that God didn't want her to go to that coffee house again. smh.

God is pretty clear on adultery. No need to look for mysterious and esoteric signs. It is clearly stated that one can divorce in cases of adultery (Matt. 19:9) should they wish to do so. It's your decision whether you do so or not. There is no morally right or wrong decision in this situation. There is only a wise or unwise decisions in this situation. It is not a sin if you choose to leave and it is not a sin if you choose to stay.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

adegirl2016 said:


> Our church friends say this is God saying we need to stick together


I don't mean to offend you, but your church friends are feeding you a load of crap. That's as nicely as I can put it.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

My church friends never said I had to stay with him. I have read that verse as well.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

What sucky timing sweetheart! It sounds like your WH has given you mostly heartache. 
This baby will be amazing, and will be undoubtably one of the best accomplishments to come out of your life.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

The reason our church friends are for the marriage is bc they have seen his outward changes. My biggest issue right now is one.. the hurt still lingers. And two he has worked on himself but not yet our marriage.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Aside from indicating that both intercourse and fertilization have occurred, babies aren't a sign of anything.

Well... maybe a sign of 18+ years of impending financial and emotional obligation.

That's about it, though.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Edo Edo said:


> Just to clarify, is this your husband's baby, or the result of an affair you had as revenge for his affair (I wasn't sure from the subject of the post)?
> 
> I'm curious as to why you'd tell church goers so early in your pregnancy. They seem to be the most judgmental and gossipy types of people. You really need neither quality in people you surround yourself with right now...


Most church people are not gossipy and would give her support.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

adegirl2016 said:


> It is my husbands baby. Sorry for the title lol. I see how it can be read differently. I have not had an affair myself, but am pregnant with my unfaithful husband.
> 
> I told my small group at church. I love my church bc they are the opposite of judge mental and gossipy. They have really been a huge help to me. But they can only help so much...
> 
> ...


How many times has he cheated? 
I am glad you have a good supportive church, we have a great church as well full of lovely people.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

Once 8 months ago and again 3 or so years ago (could only prove EA but feel strongly PA too).


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

adegirl2016 said:


> Once 8 months ago and again 3 or so years ago (could only prove EA but feel strongly PA too).


So both times you were pregnant? Is he a Christian?


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

No. That happened when our first was about a year old. but my first pregnancy was miserable too. I would find him texting females and looking at porn. We didn't have sex that whole pregnancy and didn't resume til 6 months after our first was born. I was only 20 at the time and felt so ugly and sad and depressed the whole pregnancy. 

He has just become a Christian a few months ago.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Edo Edo said:


> I'm curious as to why you'd tell church goers so early in your pregnancy. They seem to be the most judgmental and gossipy types of people. You really need neither quality in people you surround yourself with right now...


I'm sorry, but this is extremely funny. What a judgmental statement! hahaha This is an example of hyprocricy at it's finest.
What kind of quality people should she surround herself with? People like you or people who won't give her terrible advice to abandon her support system in her time of need. 
Good grief.
Most likely her small group friends love her and have her best interests at heart. They won't always give her great advice, but neither do people here or anywhere else.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

adegirl2016 said:


> No. That happened when our first was about a year old. but my first pregnancy was miserable too. I would find him texting females and looking at porn. We didn't have sex that whole pregnancy and didn't resume til 6 months after our first was born. I was only 20 at the time and felt so ugly and sad and depressed the whole pregnancy.
> 
> He has just become a Christian a few months ago.


I am so sorry this is happening to you. One thing to keep in mind is that birth control is not always effective. I know lots of women who got pregnant with proper use of birth control - even the pill and IUD. It happens. Our bodies are designed for sex to lead to pregnancy and sometimes it's an uphill battle to stop it.

Your child will be a blessing to you whether you chose to stay married to your husband or not. This doesn't really change anything. You already have children, so not a lot will change. It's going to be okay. Breathe. 

I don't agree that the pregnancy is a sign from God that you should stay married. To me, that isn't logical. The sign from God about whether or not your should stay with your husband is 1. if you want to stay with him and 2. whether or not your husband shows the fruit of repentance. 

We live what we believe. Your husband's works will show what he believes in his heart. If he has turned from his wicked ways of adultery and dishonoring you and the marriage bed, his actions will show that to be true. You will see a change come over him in all aspects of his life, but especially in how he treats you. If he is not repentant, he will not be loving towards you and he will not honor you. You will know whether or not you are loved and honored.

You do not have to decide anything right now. You can take the time to watch and wait. That is a perfectly acceptable option. If your husband shows impatience with your inability to trust him, that shows that he is either not very far in his repentance or he is not repentant at all.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Most church people are not gossipy and would give her support.


You and I must have had very different experiences being part of a congregation. I will respectfully agree to disagree with your statement...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Aside from indicating that both intercourse and fertilization have occurred, babies aren't a sign of anything.
> 
> Well... maybe a sign of 18+ years of impending financial and emotional obligation.
> 
> That's about it, though.


*I think, that while it's not necessarily a steadfast requirement that her H has to close his legs during the sex act, the same cannot exactly be said for her!

Just a primordial fact of life!*


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Adopting the baby out is always an option if you don't feel you can have another child. I've heard that families are desperate for healthy, cute newborn babies.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

CynthiaDe said:


> I'm sorry, but this is extremely funny. What a judgmental statement! hahaha This is an example of hyprocricy at it's finest.
> What kind of quality people should she surround herself with? People like you or people who won't give her terrible advice to abandon her support system in her time of need.
> Good grief.
> Most likely her small group friends love her and have her best interests at heart. They won't always give her great advice, but neither do people here or anywhere else.



It is very easy to throw around words like "judgmental" and "hypocrisy" when discussing religion or religious people, so I see no need to do so now. Suffice it to say though, that my statement was not meant to be funny. I think it's very likely that you have had a very different experience being a member of a church then I. If so, I am truly happy for you. But since your experience with seeking support in religious settings is not shared by everyone, it's only right that this perspective be shared too. I've seen cattiness, unnecessary judgment, and back stabbing at it's worst among church groups - and it tended to happen to those who needed real support the most. 

(Since you asked...) If she needs to discuss her pregnancy at all (it is still early on) with someone face to face, I feel that she should be surrounding herself only with family and her closest of friends. People she can confide her real feelings with and also trust not to spread her privacy around to the next pew. I'm sure that the person she chooses to confide in will hear details or feelings that she does not want to get back to her husband. It seems to me this is much more likely to be respected by a family member or close friend rather than a member of a church that's suddenly supportive of him because he recently decided to become a new Christian...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

adegirl2016 said:


> No. That happened when our first was about a year old. but my first pregnancy was miserable too. I would find him texting females and looking at porn. We didn't have sex that whole pregnancy and didn't resume til 6 months after our first was born. I was only 20 at the time and felt so ugly and sad and depressed the whole pregnancy.
> 
> He has just become a Christian a few months ago.


There is always hope, things can turn around under the circumstances, but please be cautious, and see what he does. Do not set the bar high. Take the focus of your marriage and be selfish with your time for him, focus on you and your pregnancy, rely on your church group, your family and friends.If he wants to be involved let him show it through his actions, tell him you are not sure whether you want to be in the marriage with him, he has to show you that it is worth your time and effort. You take back control.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Ignore his words and watch his actions. 

Is your business who you tell about the pregnancy.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

Sorry but my family is much more judgmental, catty, and gossipy than any person I have met at church. These girls at church are my best friends and our small groups are meant to share these kinds of struggles. I know my husbands group talks about porn accountability and such. That's why we love our church. Everyone is free to be human. 

Now of course if you are being destructive they will not be for that and will try to help. But it is a place free to open up. It's a very small congregation. Maybe 50 people all together.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

adegirl2016 said:


> What a shock this is to me. I was on BC. Missed my monthly twice but figured it was my body getting used to to the pills. Never in a million years thought it would be pregnancy, until I started getting sick. So now I am already 11 or so weeks pregnant, while dealing with reconciling.
> 
> My feelings are all over the place. This is going to be a THIRD baby, and if you read back on my posts, my husband cheated on me with a young girl at work days before our 2nd was born (this was only 8 months ago).
> 
> ...


You are not an idiot, just doing your best going thru hell on earth

Don't listen to others about staying in the marriage. Pray and listen to the voice inside of you. God will let you know what the right thing to do is. Trust in your own relationship with God to see you through.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

adegirl2016 said:


> No. That happened when our first was about a year old. but my first pregnancy was miserable too. I would find him texting females and looking at porn. We didn't have sex that whole pregnancy and didn't resume til 6 months after our first was born. I was only 20 at the time and felt so ugly and sad and depressed the whole pregnancy.
> 
> He has just become a Christian a few months ago.


Well now that he is a Christian, he may be able to change, stop looking at porn, texting other ladies, and cheating, but only time will tell. It may be advisable for him to have a couple of godly men for him to go to and meet with regularly for accountability. 
I admire you for staying with him, you may want to tell him that if he ever does those things again, the marriage is over. He needs to know that there are serious consequences for what he does. Adultery destroys the marriage covenant. Twice you have chosen to stay and painstakingly put it back together, but he needs to know that enough is enough.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

adegirl2016 said:


> Sorry but my family is much more judgmental, catty, and gossipy than any person I have met at church. These girls at church are my best friends and our small groups are meant to share these kinds of struggles. I know my husbands group talks about porn accountability and such. That's why we love our church. Everyone is free to be human.
> 
> Now of course if you are being destructive they will not be for that and will try to help. But it is a place free to open up. It's a very small congregation. Maybe 50 people all together.


 We also have a great church, full of lovely kind, caring people. I also have friends from other churches that are similar. It's great that you can share with people you can trust. After all we are a spiritual family.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Edo Edo said:


> You and I must have had very different experiences being part of a congregation. I will respectfully agree to disagree with your statement...


Maybe you need to find a new church, I have been to several that were really good.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Edo Edo said:


> It is very easy to throw around words like "judgmental" and "hypocrisy" when discussing religion or religious people, so I see no need to do so now. Suffice it to say though, that my statement was not meant to be funny. I think it's very likely that you have had a very different experience being a member of a church then I. If so, I am truly happy for you. But since your experience with seeking support in religious settings is not shared by everyone, it's only right that this perspective be shared too. I've seen cattiness, unnecessary judgment, and back stabbing at it's worst among church groups - and it tended to happen to those who needed real support the most.
> 
> (Since you asked...) If she needs to discuss her pregnancy at all (it is still early on) with someone face to face, I feel that she should be surrounding herself only with family and her closest of friends. People she can confide her real feelings with and also trust not to spread her privacy around to the next pew. I'm sure that the person she chooses to confide in will hear details or feelings that she does not want to get back to her husband. It seems to me this is much more likely to be respected by a family member or close friend rather than a member of a church that's suddenly supportive of him because he recently decided to become a new Christian...


But not everyone has that type of family.


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