# Separated 14 months ago



## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

Hello 

I haven’t posted for a while. He left in early June last year. I didn’t see it coming. I posted here and the general feeling was there was most likely OW. I became suspicious of his ‘good friend’. 6 months after leaving he confirmed they were now ‘dating’.
He has casually introduced her to our teens. He has asked them if they’d like to know her more. 
I am struggling with everything. My job is uncertain (I know this is the case for many people). I am terrified that at almost 49 my life is over. I have no interest in dating at all and I have no confidence to go out and find a new job. I am scrap. I feel no enthusiasm for anything anymore. When he left he completely blamed me and destroyed my self confidence. I can’t seem to recover it. I have our two lovely teens living with me, ex and I are generally amicable. I have quiet hobbies and a couple of close friends. It’s my birthday soon then Christmas and I’m dreading them both. I’d only just recovered from losing both my parents a decade ago when my ex said our marriage was over.
I sound full of self pity, I know. I know there are worse problems to have in life. I miss him dreadfully and how he’d make me laugh. I just don’t understand why. Though he told me plenty of reasons that he regretted marrying me 20 years ago, I had let myself go and was boring. He wanted adventure. Thank you for reading.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Delilah1971 said:


> Hello
> 
> I haven’t posted for a while. He left in early June last year. I didn’t see it coming. I posted here and the general feeling was there was most likely OW. I became suspicious of his ‘good friend’. 6 months after leaving he confirmed they were now ‘dating’.
> He has casually introduced her to our teens. He has asked them if they’d like to know her more.
> ...


Delilah,
SO a few things here I'd like to comment on:
"I am struggling with everything........I have no interest in dating at all and I have no confidence to go out and find a new job. I am scrap. I feel no enthusiasm for anything anymore. "
To me this sounds like you are clinically depressed (NOT just sad about things). The "no enthusiasm for anything" is a dead give away for this. You should make an appointment with your Dr to discuss. They can prescribe some meds for the short term to get you past this.
This type of depression will CERTAINLY affect your job, but you CAN get better.

Second, 
"When he left he completely blamed me and destroyed my self confidence........ I just don’t understand why. Though he told me plenty of reasons that he regretted marrying me 20 years ago, I had let myself go and was boring. He wanted adventure"
This is HIM re-writing your marital history. I guarantee it is 100% BS. He made this up in order to justify him leaving and having an affair. Now he wants your KIDS to be ok with her, because "see I didn't have an affair -- all is good, even my kids like her and are all ok" (again, if the kids are ok, then what he did couldn't be THAT bad, right?)

Third:
" I miss him dreadfully and how he’d make me laugh."
You actually miss who you THOUGHT he was back then, not actually the him he is now (if that makes sense?).
You miss what you remember of him, and maybe in fact he WAS like that back then. HE changed and grew apart -- he wanted the other woman (no matter what he says), and he right now is NOT the man who made you laugh, took care of you, was close to you, etc.. My only suggestion here -- don't dwell on the past. Look to YOUR future and that of your kids. Get better for YOU and them. Work out, eat right, get back into your hobbies, focus on your work so that you can support yourself and your kids (does HE pay any child support? If not he should).
Also, you said that he destroyed your self-confidence -- would the man who made you laugh be able to do that? NO, so he clearly is NOT the same man (or he IS and hid his true nature for a long time).

Fourth:
" I am terrified that at almost 49 my life is over. .... I am scrap."
Stop that -- you are a Mom, a co-worker, you were a wife, etc.. You are unique and NOT scrap. NEVER feel like that (again I think the depression is doing this to you). Look deep at yourself objectively -- if there are things YOU want to improve, put a plan together to do that. 
At 49, your life is NOWHERE near over. You can have a great life going forward, but the only person who can do that for you is you.


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## midatlanticdad (Jul 24, 2018)

Delilah1971 said:


> Hello
> 
> I haven’t posted for a while. He left in early June last year. I didn’t see it coming. I posted here and the general feeling was there was most likely OW. I became suspicious of his ‘good friend’. 6 months after leaving he confirmed they were now ‘dating’.
> He has casually introduced her to our teens. He has asked them if they’d like to know her more.
> ...


Sorry to hear. My confidence was also shattered by my W when she had an EA many years ago, that was headed toward physical (i found out). its been 9 years and the whole time i have been a shell of my former self. kids are older now and despite trying to fix things i'm finally past it. I will be separating soon.

My confidence is returning due to me taking charge of my life, my feelings and doing things for me. different situations for sure, but i might suggest individual counseling, and start by doing things for you that are good for you, whatever that may be. I believe that will help with the confidence issue and your lack of enthusiasm for everything.

Don't be defined by your ex-husbands needs that he says you don't meet. he is just 1 person.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You’re still in limbo. And you’ll stay there as long as you don’t take charge of your life. No one can pick up the pieces and create a new life but you. You’re holding onto something that may have been wonderful to you but apparently wasn’t wonderful to him. 

I was much older than you are now when I finally divorced. I would have given anything to be “only” your age when I got out. You don’t have to date but you do need to find something that interests you and that you deeply care about. You had a life before him and you certainly can have a very good one without him. But it’s up to you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Are you actually divorced?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Delilah1971 your ex carries his blame and responsibilities around with him until he can find someone to dump them on. 

Don't let him do that to.you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Delilah1971 said:


> Hello
> 
> I haven’t posted for a while. He left in early June last year. I didn’t see it coming. I posted here and the general feeling was there was most likely OW. I became suspicious of his ‘good friend’. 6 months after leaving he confirmed they were now ‘dating’.
> He has casually introduced her to our teens. He has asked them if they’d like to know her more.
> ...


Sounds like the kind of stuff they all say. It's just a way to justify their bad behavior. There may even have been some things that you would do differently, and it's OK to acknowledge that for next time. But nothing justifies the way he treated you.

You are only 49, you have a lot of life left to go. You can certainly have a great one, but you got to give yourself a chance. I suggest you do some things that can improve your mood. First off exercise, it's the bodies best anti-depressant because it releases endorphins, it also gives you tangible goals and daily successes. It helps you discipline yourself and that will help discipline your mind. Plus the long term results are you start to look good in the mirror and that will maybe even make you want to date again one day.

Next use this time to find and pursue your passion. More often then not that is where your new life starts to develop.

Most of all start to give yourself the courage to have hope. There is hope, I promise that. You will have joy again but you have to do the things to help you get there. 

We have all been through it and got out the other side.


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## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

Thank you all. Lots of good advise. I do need to motivate myself. We are not divorced. Initially I told him that if that’s what he wanted then he could file it. Then last week I have asked him to get on with it as I want to be free of him now, he had done nothing.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Delilah1971 said:


> Thank you all. Lots of good advise. I do need to motivate myself. We are not divorced. Initially I told him that if that’s what he wanted then he could file it. Then last week I have asked him to get on with it as I want to be free of him now, he had done nothing.


yes you are in limbo right now, and ending the marriage legally will enable you to begin to move on. Why dont you file for divorce?


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## AmbitiousOvercomer (Jul 4, 2019)

Delilah1971 said:


> Hello
> 
> I haven’t posted for a while. He left in early June last year. I didn’t see it coming. I posted here and the general feeling was there was most likely OW. I became suspicious of his ‘good friend’. 6 months after leaving he confirmed they were now ‘dating’.
> He has casually introduced her to our teens. He has asked them if they’d like to know her more.
> ...



You don't sound full of self-pity, you sound depressed and I can certainly understand how you are feeling. I am in a similar state if mind. My husband also blamed me for every decision he ever made and even that he was asked to leave. He even went so far as to tell me that I put my education and kids before him. I don't know, he could be somewhat right with how he behaved over 22 years of marriage. I tried not to take to heart every hurtful thing that he spit out but it is hard not to. I still think about the what-ifs, what if I was more understanding, what if I paid more attention, etc etc. Bottom line - he wasn't going to change. After the death of my infant granddaughter last year, I saw more of his true colors and I my eyes were truly opened. He was so self absorbed that he could not even try to help my son through his grief. He has not called him once since he lost his daughter - appalling. Try not to think about your ex's words and focus on rising up out of the ashes and getting stronger. I tell my son all the time to just try to get up...it will make a difference. I told my husband the same thing, I will rise up out of these ashes and I will be fine but you will regret one day that you had a good, loyal woman and threw her away...
Take care of yourself. Message me anytime if you need to talk. 💪💪💪


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## StupidMan89 (Sep 22, 2020)

Delilah1971 said:


> Hello
> 
> I haven’t posted for a while. He left in early June last year. I didn’t see it coming. I posted here and the general feeling was there was most likely OW. I became suspicious of his ‘good friend’. 6 months after leaving he confirmed they were now ‘dating’.
> He has casually introduced her to our teens. He has asked them if they’d like to know her more.
> ...


Delilah, I'm gonna have to agree with the previous comments. You sound depressed. As a licensed social worker, I noticed you just ticked all the boxes for clinical depression. I highly recommend you speak to a therapist. It's gonna be difficult to address and move on when you're in this state. It'd be like reorganizing seats on the Titanic.

But alas, you are not alone. Many stories like yours are getting told right now, many on this forum. You have people here you can confide in and help you through. You should also force yourself to go out and be active. See old friends, do things you used to love. You're not gonna get through this feeling and move on from your ex-husband by allowing yourself to stay down. You gotta fight this feeling.


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

Delilah, my story is similar to yours, only from a male perspective. 4 teens at home, an adult that was mine and my high school girlfriends. wife wanted to find herself.

I wallowed in my own smelly body for about 4 days, woke up and made inner changes in myself and thought process and never looked back.

She ended up shacklng up with some guy who was about 30 years older than her and went through a couple other guys.The fella she’s with now and her have a couple more kids. Her third set of kids with different men. The two she brought into our marriage she left with me and man did we struggle. 

We, MY sons and I managed and in time I remarried after dating a few lost causes found my solice in an old school friend who was just in the process of divorce from her husband.

Remained friends for a couple years and eventually married. I know am dad to 8, grandpa to 17 and g-grandpa to 3. Life changes and it will for you.

keep the faith and just so you know, My wife and I just celebrated 18 years of marriage.
I was 49 when my first left.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

Delilah1971 said:


> I feel no enthusiasm for anything anymore.


I actually think this is normal. Think of the stages of grief, depression is right before acceptance. I envision it as you went through so many emotions that were likely exhausting that you need to feel 'nothing' for a while. This is a loss and a life change. You have to grieve what was before you can accept what is. Even if he was a ****.  You were married a long time, it's going to take time to get through it.



Delilah1971 said:


> When he left he completely blamed me and destroyed my self confidence. I can’t seem to recover it.


He blamed you because he did not want to own his role in the breakdown of the marriage. I may not know much, but I do know that relationship issues are not solely one person's fault. He felt guilty so he tried to find all the reasons he possibly could to blame you.



Delilah1971 said:


> It’s my birthday soon then Christmas and I’m dreading them both.


Why are you dreading them? Plan something with your kids.



Delilah1971 said:


> He wanted adventure.


Or...he wanted a midlife crisis and to pretend he's not a middle-aged with teenage children.


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Wow I Have not been on here for 2 years, but wanted to say I’m also in a similar situation, separated almost 4 years , see my kids everyday and even do things as a family still with her ...even though the site of her gets me sick , but I do it for the kids ... if money wasn’t tight I would of filed myself and get it over with, but again I do it for my kids.


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