# Social media (the end)



## RebuildingMe

Hi all, quick background, I’m going through divorce number 2. I was cheated on in both of my marriages. I am not a big fan of ****book because of this. My GF is on ****book all the time. She knows I don’t like it. I don’t want to change her, but I’m protecting myself. I’ve dropped “hints” but it doesn’t click. Now I do have a FB account, but I never post and I am never on it. Is this enough of a red flag? Am I just looking to demolish a relationship? I know it’s my choice. I just wish I had put on my profile that if you’re addicted to social media, please swipe left. Ugh.


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## Livvie

How often is she on it?

I'm not on Facebook. So I'm not a great one to ask.... but excessive use of any social media would put me off.

I'm not on Facebook because I personally know of three marriages that ended in divorce due to affairs in which the people connected again through Facebook. I never got in on the craze when it started.


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## Mr.Married

The fact that you are actively avoiding the confrontation and “not wanting to change her” is kind of a tell tale sign of how you may have ended up divorced 2 times. Here you are not even married and can’t have your own personal boundaries. Don’t get me wrong.... Facebook is necessarily a problem but your inability to communicate that directly with her is.

Decide for yourself what you will or won’t accept...... and then proceed from there.


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## RebuildingMe

She’s on probably on 15-20 times a day. I know how FB ruins marriages. I’ve personally been through it. I absolutely hate it. The other night she said she was going to bed. I went on after midnight and saw her on there. I cringed. I don’t want to sound controlling, cause I’m not. I just feel like this is a movie I’ve starred in before.


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## RebuildingMe

Mr.Married said:


> The fact that you are actively avoiding the confrontation and “not wanting to change her” is kind of a tell tale sign of how you may have ended up divorced 2 times. Here you are not even married and can’t have your own personal boundaries. Don’t get me wrong.... Facebook is necessarily a problem but your inability to communicate that directly with her is.
> 
> Decide for yourself what you will or won’t accept...... and then proceed from there.


I’m not one to avoid confrontation, believe me. I am a manager and I am very direct with people. How do I come out and tell her directly without sounding like a control freak? We’ve been dating six months.


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## OnTheFly

A couple of quick thoughts....

1) get rid of your FB acct. so you won't ever see her on it and for general peace of mind....FB is brain cancer.

2) ask her politely to not be on FB when you're around, (and in exchange, you'll promise not to fart under the blankets)


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## Mr.Married

RebuildingMe said:


> I’m not one to avoid confrontation, believe me. I am a manager and I am very direct with people. How do I come out and tell her directly without sounding like a control freak? We’ve been dating six months.


Facebook is your trigger ..... not “her issue”

Your going to have a talk with her about it to explain why it is your trigger.

If you picked the right girl this time you have nothing to worry about....... but as always.... trust but verify.

I can easily understand your disdain. I’m not a huge fan myself.


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## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> Hi all, quick background, I’m going through divorce number 2. I was cheated on in both of my marriages. I am not a big fan of ****book because of this. My GF is on ****book all the time. She knows I don’t like it. I don’t want to change her, but I’m protecting myself. I’ve dropped “hints” but it doesn’t click. Now I do have a FB account, but I never post and I am never on it. Is this enough of a red flag? Am I just looking to demolish a relationship? I know it’s my choice. I just wish I had put on my profile that if you’re addicted to social media, please swipe left. Ugh.





Mr.Married said:


> Facebook is your trigger ..... not “her issue”
> 
> Your going to have a talk with her about it to explain why it is your trigger.
> 
> If you picked the right girl this time you have nothing to worry about....... but as always.... trust but verify.
> 
> I can easily understand your disdain. I’m not a huge fan myself.


I agree with Mr.Married. You either trust her or you don't, people who will get up to no good on social media will do it regardless. My bf and I are Facebook friends, he's not active at all, but I like to go poke around, blast a few memes and chill out. My ex started his first EA on Facebook, so I'm not oblivious to your pain. 

You two are going to have to talk it out. My bf and I are in the process of fielding a few triggers (for both of us), and although we were both blindsided by each other's triggers and a little butthurt, talking about it really helped.


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## NextTimeAround

My husband is on FB quite a bit. He's on the steering committee of a neighborhood group and he likes to share articles on politics. So, yes, FB is not always the spawn of the devil. 

Do you know what she normally does on FB?


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## PieceOfSky

RebuildingMe said:


> I’m not one to avoid confrontation, believe me. I am a manager and I am very direct with people. How do I come out and tell her directly without sounding like a control freak? We’ve been dating six months.


Tell her the truth about what you are feeling (if I read you right, you are conflicted — this social media thing triggers you (and why) and you realize now you should have been upfront about it being an issue for you, and you’re not sure what you can do or what you would want to do about being triggered, yet you don’t want to seem like (or be?) a control freak for reasons x, y, and z).

Own your fear and confusion in front of her. Be vulnerable, in the sense she may end up rejecting you because of your fears and emotional state. Let her know you care about her (if you do), but that letting her see you and your worry honestly is the only way you want to go ( if that’s true). Let her know either you two are going to talk about it, or else you two will probably try to pretend the issue doesn’t exist until your relationship implodes.

If her interest in you can’t survive and benefit from you being visible, especially what your boundaries and limits and triggers are, what’s the point of being in it?


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## Blondilocks

She can't be on fakebook because your two exes ruined it for you? Can she eat chocolate ice cream if your two exes ate it?

Don't make her pay for the sins of your exes. This is your baggage to carry - not hers. If it is such a trigger, move along. Or, just tell her that you won't be involved with anyone who hangs out on that site. That would give her the option to delete her account This would go over better if you, yourself, didn't have an account there. That is coming across as controlling and hypocritical. Fakebook isn't the problem - it's the people who use it.


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## Livvie

RebuildingMe said:


> She’s on probably on 15-20 times a day. I know how FB ruins marriages. I’ve personally been through it. I absolutely hate it. The other night she said she was going to bed. I went on after midnight and saw her on there. I cringed. I don’t want to sound controlling, cause I’m not. I just feel like this is a movie I’ve starred in before.


15-20 times a day is a lot. It's more than once every waking hour.


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## Not

You need to show her this thread or tell her. You can’t live like this if it bothers you this much. Then look for red flags by her reaction. If she has no clue there is a problem she can do nothing to fix it.


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## Blondilocks

Her usage might seem like a lot in normal times. During this pandemic, it really isn't. People need social interaction.


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## NextTimeAround

One other possibility, especially if you two are really moving forward in your relationship, is to talk about transparency between you two and all your high tech devices. Social media is here to stay. IT's a cheap place for organizations to bump up interaction between their members. Don't try to minimize her time on it unless it is cutting into "us" time.


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## Diana7

Did either of your wives cheat via facebook?


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## Livvie

I know this is a little off topic, but whatever happened about the silent treatment she gave you when you were on a long weekend away together?


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## RebuildingMe

Thank you for the responses. They are most helpful. I understand that the problem is more with me and not with her. These are my triggers. Hopefully, someday, they won’t be as triggering for me. That said, I am going to speak to her today and let her know, nicely, why they are my triggers. She knows I carry baggage. She probably thought it was just an overhead bag but doesn’t know I have two more checked bags, lol. Infidelity really messes with your mind and heart. Trust is so hard for me now. 

To answer someone’s question, FB is how my stbx found her ex and had an 10 year relationship behind my back until I woke up and caught them. I don’t blame FB, I blame my stbx. But I can’t help but wonder when I see anyone on FB, who are they really talking to...

For further clarity, gf told me about a married guy on the west coast she was talking to. It got personal. Sounded like an EA. She told him to go be with his wife and work it out. This was right before I met her. I just found out they’ve been in contact. Guess how? FB messenger. Before anyone asks, she deletes all her texts and messages. Now to be honest, I have female friends that I text with. However, I don’t use FB and don’t ever delete texts. GF asks about them, but doesn’t seem to mind. I let her know when we text. She’ll ask how they are doing. Stuff like that.


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## RebuildingMe

Livvie said:


> I know this is a little off topic, but whatever happened about the silent treatment she gave you when you were on a long weekend away together?


Ahh, I told her I hated it. I told her why. She understood and has never done it again to me. To be honest, we don’t really fight and given my situation with my divorce dragging on and my living situation, we don’t see each other more than 1-2x a week. Some of those times we are not alone either. She and I have our kids sometimes.


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## OnTheFly

RebuildingMe said:


> She knows I carry baggage. She probably thought it was just an overhead bag but doesn’t know I have two more checked bags, lol.


haha, that's a great line!

Open and honest communication will go a long way to ease this situation.


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## Girl_power

RebuildingMe said:


> Thank you for the responses. They are most helpful. I understand that the problem is more with me and not with her. These are my triggers. Hopefully, someday, they won’t be as triggering for me. That said, I am going to speak to her today and let her know, nicely, why they are my triggers. She knows I carry baggage. She probably thought it was just an overhead bag but doesn’t know I have two more checked bags, lol. Infidelity really messes with your mind and heart. Trust is so hard for me now.
> 
> To answer someone’s question, FB is how my stbx found her ex and had an 10 year relationship behind my back until I woke up and caught them. I don’t blame FB, I blame my stbx. But I can’t help but wonder when I see anyone on FB, who are they really talking to...
> 
> For further clarity, gf told me about a married guy on the west coast she was talking to. It got personal. Sounded like an EA. She told him to go be with his wife and work it out. This was right before I met her. I just found out they’ve been in contact. Guess how? FB messenger. Before anyone asks, she deletes all her texts and messages. Now to be honest, I have female friends that I text with. However, I don’t use FB and don’t ever delete texts. GF asks about them, but doesn’t seem to mind. I let her know when we text. She’ll ask how they are doing. Stuff like that.


This is a huge red flag.


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## Not

Deleted texts and messages and ringers being turned off (my personal trigger) are never helpful in a new relationship when the foundation of trust is being built. I'm an open book and have nothing to hide and these things give the appearance of hidden/behind the scenes activity which, to me, implies the person doing these things is either oblivious to how it looks or knows exactly what they're doing.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

RebuildingMe said:


> I’m not one to avoid confrontation, believe me. I am a manager and I am very direct with people. How do I come out and tell her directly without sounding like a control freak? We’ve been dating six months.


Just tell her directly what's important for you and leave it at that. Tell her once, you don't need to say or I'll do this, that, or.....anything else.

Make sure she understands you, but only tell her once.

How she acts will tell you if she considers your basic needs important. 

She's a gf. Not a spouse.

If she's non responsive and you don't quickly break up, that'll be on you.


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## notmyjamie

Until you said she has been messaging the guy she admits she was getting too close to again I was all on her side. Facebook, in and of itself, is not the problem. I use Facebook, I have a large family, all over the place and lots of friends. It's a fun way to catch up. My BF told me recently that he used to blame Facebook when his wife was on it all the time but he said I'm on it and he doesn't feel that way at all. The difference?? When I'm scrolling through, I share with him the funny meme's or stories I see, the great dinners I see people posting, a great restaurant idea for us to try, updates from my family and friends, even if he doens't know them yet, etc. In other words he feels a part of what I'm doing. His ex never shared anything. She just stuck her head in the phone and ignored him all night. Big difference. 

Now, my advice was originally going to be to share that story with her and show her the difference between it being something that pulls you apart and something that brings you together. But, secret deleted messages are something entirely different. You need to let her know that is a boundary for you and if it's crossed you'll bounce. Sorry you're dealing with this. Ugh...why can't it ever be easy?


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## LosingHim

I am INCREDIBLY active on facebook. Probably more so than most people, and more active than I should be. However, I do a lot of community things and building my connections on social media helps push those things along. The majority of the time, my posts are goofy things, things I find funny, occasionally hot button topics or random things I’m thinking about. BUT – I believe that the majority of those things show my personality and that I’m personable so that when a community event comes up, people know who I am, what kind of person I am, what I’m able to do, etc. I have raised upwards of $30,000 fundraising – all through social media. I also run several community groups on Facebook, so I’m on it all the time.


I’ve NEVER cheated on social media or had the inclination to cheat on social media. My husband has my passwords for everything and he can check if he feels it’s necessary.


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## Enigma32

If your girl is over there using FB messenger to chat with....whomever all the time, then you have a cause for concern. Have you ever seen the inbox every female has? It's filled with unsolicited messages from random dudes looking to get laid. If your girl is actually answering those messages, there's your problem. 

If I was you, I would stay away from ladies that are hooked on social media. Makes your life easier.


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## RebuildingMe

Her talking to a guy on the other coast wasn’t a major issue. I talk to females also. The issue for me was it restarted, I found out two months later and the texts were deleted. There is no reason to delete texts other than you don’t want them ever to be found. She said it was to free up space on her phone. I don’t think she is cheating for a minute (I’m not new to this rodeo) but I do think she has some bad habits. Her divorce did not end because infidelity. To her credit, he reached out to her on messenger last week (she said he does this so his wife doesn’t see) and she told me about it. It was to wish her a happy birthday. He won’t post on her timeline. The guy sounds rather creepy and it appears to me that he is looking for a virtual hookup, exactly as my stbx did. Almost mirror images of one another. So yes, it’s very, very triggering for me.


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## notmyjamie

RebuildingMe said:


> Her talking to a guy on the other coast wasn’t a major issue. I talk to females also. The issue for me was it restarted, I found out two months later and the texts were deleted. There is no reason to delete texts other than you don’t want them ever to be found. She said it was to free up space on her phone. I don’t think she is cheating for a minute (I’m not new to this rodeo) but I do think she has some bad habits. Her divorce did not end because infidelity. To her credit, he reached out to her on messenger last week (she said he does this so his wife doesn’t see) and she told me about it. It was to wish her a happy birthday. He won’t post on her timeline. The guy sounds rather creepy and it appears to me that he is looking for a virtual hookup, exactly as my stbx did. Almost mirror images of one another. So yes, it’s very, very triggering for me.


In this case, I would just tell her that it's not going to work for you if she keeps answering this guy. You have nothing against her having male friends that she is above board with and you know about but this guy is sneaky and it triggers you and if she cares about you she will block him. If she squacks at that...reconsider whether she really cares about you or not.


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## In Absentia

You don't trust your GF. What's the point in staying in a relationship with her? It's going nowhere.


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## RebuildingMe

In Absentia said:


> You don't trust your GF. What's the point in staying in her relationship with her? It's going nowhere.


Thanks. That’s a hard reality. It’s probably not her, it’s probably anyone. However, with proper behavior and actions, I can see myself trusting again.


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## Nailhead

RebuildingMe said:


> She’s on probably on 15-20 times a day. I know how FB ruins marriages. I’ve personally been through it. I absolutely hate it. The other night she said she was going to bed. I went on after midnight and saw her on there. I cringed. I don’t want to sound controlling, cause I’m not. I just feel like this is a movie I’ve starred in before.


Sir, advise your GF that Crapbook is taking away from a meaningful relationship. Crapbook now has become a third person in the relationship(apparently a real person). It is time to join the real world and relationship again. If your GF make no concerted effort to curtail Crapbook usage you know were you stand. Time to move on.


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## Mybabysgotit

I don't have a problem with social media. In fact, I don't really care what my spouse does and how often she is on social media as long as things are getting done. Where I did have a problem is when we are together and she was on her phone. That doesn't work for me and I let that be known early in our relationship that it's disrespectful. This happened at the beginning of our relationship and i'm happy to say it hasn't been an issue for the the last 15 years.

If you're trying to limit her time on social media when it doesn't affect you, then I would say you are controlling. If you're just trying to get some one on one time with her and she's on her phone, then I would say it's not controlling and just a matter of simple respect.


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## Rowan

OP, may I respectfully suggest that it might be a good idea to finalize your divorce, then spend some time - several months at least, maybe a couple years - working on yourself, before you re-enter the dating world. You've had two marriages ended by infidelity and are understandably carrying some baggage from those experiences. Now, before your last divorce is even final, you're in what appears to be a mistrustful relationship with someone you don't seem to be truly compatible with, and aren't sure what your boundaries are or how to enforce them. Maybe taking some real time to be alone, learn how to be happy alone, figure out your boundaries and how to maintain them and discover your true needs, would be beneficial for you in the long term.


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## Openminded

Well, obviously the situation with the creepy guy is a little more serious than just looking at fb constantly. If she hasn’t already blocked him, she needs to do that today. She doesn’t have to pay for what was done to you in the past but she also shouldn’t be contributing to the problem either.


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## GC1234

It is said that you will keep getting the same situations over and over until you learn your lesson. I think it's time to learn that lesson and set up some strong personal boundaries.


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## Elizabeth001

Rowan said:


> OP, may I respectfully suggest that it might be a good idea to finalize your divorce, then spend some time - several months at least, maybe a couple years - working on yourself, before you re-enter the dating world. You've had two marriages ended by infidelity and are understandably carrying some baggage from those experiences. Now, before your last divorce is even final, you're in what appears to be a mistrustful relationship with someone you don't seem to be truly compatible with, and aren't sure what your boundaries are or how to enforce them. Maybe taking some real time to be alone, learn how to be happy alone, figure out your boundaries and how to maintain them and discover your true needs, would be beneficial for you in the long term.


Yuuuuup...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## WandaJ

I would not delete my fb account for anyone. that's my connection to my family, and friends, and important health sites.


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## Livvie

OP, there are women out there who wouldn't be messaging men. Really.


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## WandaJ

and if they want to message men, they will find other ways.


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## NextTimeAround

WandaJ said:


> and if they want to message men, they will find other ways.


If anything, it's possible to keep track to some degree of what she's and whom she knows.


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## RebuildingMe

WandaJ said:


> I would not delete my fb account for anyone. that's my connection to my family, and friends, and important health sites.


Of course, I would never ask her to do that.


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## RebuildingMe

Openminded said:


> Well, obviously the situation with the creepy guy is a little more serious than just looking at fb constantly. If she hasn’t already blocked him, she needs to do that today. She doesn’t have to pay for what was done to you in the past but she also shouldn’t be contributing to the problem either.


I agree. I’m looking to make anyone “pay”. I pay the price for my prior bad choices in life. Financially, physically and emotionally.


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## RebuildingMe

Rowan said:


> OP, may I respectfully suggest that it might be a good idea to finalize your divorce, then spend some time - several months at least, maybe a couple years - working on yourself, before you re-enter the dating world. You've had two marriages ended by infidelity and are understandably carrying some baggage from those experiences. Now, before your last divorce is even final, you're in what appears to be a mistrustful relationship with someone you don't seem to be truly compatible with, and aren't sure what your boundaries are or how to enforce them. Maybe taking some real time to be alone, learn how to be happy alone, figure out your boundaries and how to maintain them and discover your true needs, would be beneficial for you in the long term.


I agree with this too. In my head, my marriage ended in 2016. I never thought the divorce would be this costly or contentious, which has prolonged my healing timeline. I feel like I have been detached for a long while, but the anger from the divorce process creeps in.


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## Elizabeth001

RebuildingMe said:


> I agree with this too. In my head, my marriage ended in 2016. I never thought the divorce would be this costly or contentious, which has prolonged my healing timeline. I feel like I have been detached for a long while, but the anger from the divorce process creeps in.


Tried to tell you this in the singles thread a while back but I think you got a little butt hurt by it. That’s ok though...I understood  I went through the same process. It’s going on 4 years since my final decree AFTER 3 years of cohabitation during a divorce and I still question if I am ready...or ever will be ready. It’s a process with many phases.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Blondilocks

Elizabeth001 said:


> Tried to tell you this in the singles thread a while back but I think you got a little butt hurt by it. That’s ok though...I understood  I went through the same process. It’s going on 4 years sense my final decree* AFTER 3 years of cohabitation during a divorce* and I still question if I am ready...or ever will be ready. It’s a process with many phases.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Girl, you've earned at least the Bronze Star. I'm surprised you're not bouncing around a padded room.


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## Diana7

Enigma32 said:


> If your girl is over there using FB messenger to chat with....whomever all the time, then you have a cause for concern. Have you ever seen the inbox every female has? It's filled with unsolicited messages from random dudes looking to get laid. If your girl is actually answering those messages, there's your problem.
> 
> If I was you, I would stay away from ladies that are hooked on social media. Makes your life easier.


With the right privacy settings no guy can find you or message you.


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## Diana7

Rowan said:


> OP, may I respectfully suggest that it might be a good idea to finalize your divorce, then spend some time - several months at least, maybe a couple years - working on yourself, before you re-enter the dating world. You've had two marriages ended by infidelity and are understandably carrying some baggage from those experiences. Now, before your last divorce is even final, you're in what appears to be a mistrustful relationship with someone you don't seem to be truly compatible with, and aren't sure what your boundaries are or how to enforce them. Maybe taking some real time to be alone, learn how to be happy alone, figure out your boundaries and how to maintain them and discover your true needs, would be beneficial for you in the long term.


👆 👌


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## Elizabeth001

Blondilocks said:


> Girl, you've earned at least the Bronze Star. I'm surprised you're not bouncing around a padded room.


Or serving life for murder 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## RebuildingMe

I deactivated my FB last night. Should have done that a while ago. So free and liberating. We spoke last night, and although she understands my point, it appears the high school creepy, married “friend” from Seattle wins over me at this point. Disappointed to say the least. I will re-evaluate after the holidays but right now, I don’t see her as a viable LTR.


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## RebuildingMe

Elizabeth001 said:


> Tried to tell you this in the singles thread a while back but I think you got a little butt hurt by it. That’s ok though...I understood  I went through the same process. It’s going on 4 years since my final decree AFTER 3 years of cohabitation during a divorce and I still question if I am ready...or ever will be ready. It’s a process with many phases.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## RebuildingMe

Yes you did  I think I am in a good place, but not a great one. I know I have baggage. I’ve been out of the house since May and stbx has moved a dude in already. There is no attachment whatsoever. That being said, my antenna is up and I won’t tolerate inappropriate behavior any longer.


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## notmyjamie

RebuildingMe said:


> I deactivated my FB last night. Should have done that a while ago. So free and liberating. We spoke last night, and although she understands my point, it appears the high school creepy, married “friend” from Seattle wins over me at this point. Disappointed to say the least. I will re-evaluate after the holidays but right now, I don’t see her as a viable LTR.


I'm sorry to hear that but I think you are right. It's not asking her a lot to stop messaging ONE guy who is shady at best and she knows it. If she can't do that to help you feel better about things she doesn't really care about your needs I'd guess. If she's just stamping her feet and declaring you can't control her then she doesn't have a good outlook on relationships...we all have to give and take...and if she can't give you something to help you feel more confident and less triggered than she's not good relationship material then either. 

_hugs_


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## Blondilocks

I'd be tempted to give that 'creepy' guy's wife a heads up.😇


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## RebuildingMe

Blondilocks said:


> I'd be tempted to give that 'creepy' guy's wife a heads up.😇


It crossed my mind. I actually gave gf the option of telling his wife and then they can continue their communication, as long as everyone was aware. Her response was “can we move on and stop talking about him please”. I took that as a rejection of my proposal.


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## Openminded

She’s not the one for you.


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## RebuildingMe

Openminded said:


> She’s not the one for you.


Agreed. It’s a shame because we shared a lot of similar views on the future. No marriage, no cohabitation and no commingling of money. We got along well and so did our kids. In the end, dishonesty, shadiness, secrets and deleting conversations just don’t fly with me any longer. I’m almost 50 and I’m not dealing with this crap anymore.


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## attheend02

RebuildingMe said:


> Agreed. It’s a shame because we shared a lot of similar views on the future. No marriage, no cohabitation and no commingling of money. We got along well and so did our kids. In the end, dishonesty, shadiness, secrets and deleting conversations just don’t fly with me any longer. I’m almost 50 and I’m not dealing with this crap anymore.


sounds like a great FWB situation.
Why worry about a guy 3000 miles away?


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## pastasauce79

WandaJ said:


> I would not delete my fb account for anyone. that's my connection to my family, and friends, and important health sites.


I also would not delete my FB account for anyone.

Cheaters are going to find a way to cheat. Not only on facebook.


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## RebuildingMe

Just to be clear, I never asked her to delete her FB. I told her she spent way too much time on there. I deleted mine because I truly don't have a need for it and never really used it all that much. Also, I never told her to stop talking to the dude. I told how it made me feel and I was hoping she would come to the logical choice on her own. She didn't, as of yet. We are meeting in person tonight. I'll see where it goes.

She's not a FWB type person.


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## Blondilocks

You don't want to marry or co-habitate and you only see one another 1-2 times a week. Frankly, it really is none of your business how much time she spends on fakebook as long as she isn't checking it out when with you. What she's doing on there is a different critter. If you don't trust her (it seems there is a good reason not to), you don't trust her. Next.


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## RebuildingMe

GF blocked and deleted Seattle guy last night. She says she’s never cheated or been cheated on. She didn’t think she was doing anything wrong because she didn’t have any feelings towards him. He was her “voice of reason”. In any event, she apologized to me and said she understands how it made me feel. She values our relationship too much to lose me over this. I accepted her apology.


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## RebuildingMe

Blondilocks said:


> You don't want to marry or co-habitate and you only see one another 1-2 times a week. Frankly, it really is none of your business how much time she spends on fakebook as long as she isn't checking it out when with you. What she's doing on there is a different critter. If you don't trust her (it seems there is a good reason not to), you don't trust her. Next.


You are 100% right except “we” don’t want to get married or cohabitate.


----------



## ConanHub

FB is definitely an effective tool for infidelity and can be used to encourage it.

I fielded a couple of pass attempts when I still used it. I have been off of it for a couple months now.


----------



## ConanHub

Never mind.


----------



## Blondilocks

RebuildingMe said:


> You are 100% right except “we” don’t want to get married or cohabitate.


OK, youz don't want to marry or co-habitate.


----------



## Chuck71

If you're only together 1-2x a week, the other 5-6 days she may unblock him and "chat."

But you're just dating. Yet dating is a sneak preview of how things will go if you advance the relationship


----------



## Numb26

For what it is worth, a person who spends time on FB 15 to 20 times a day is a red flag to me.


----------



## RebuildingMe

She’s still on FB a lot, but not around me anymore. She posts pictures of her kids and really nothing else. Anyway, I am aware of red flags and I’ve intentionally slowed things down a bit. We see each other about once a week and sleepovers on weekends we don’t have the kids. With a trial fast approaching, I’m not fully invested on our relationship right now. I don’t have the headspace for everything. She understands and feels things will be different after the D. She says she can’t wait for the day when she is posting things on FB about us, but won’t do anything like that while I am still legally married.

If we can fly out of NY later today (snow again today) we are heading to Miami for a long weekend in south beach. I’m looking forward to the getaway.


----------



## Girl_power

RebuildingMe said:


> She’s still on FB a lot, but not around me anymore. She posts pictures of her kids and really nothing else. Anyway, I am aware of red flags and I’ve intentionally slowed things down a bit. We see each other about once a week and sleepovers on weekends we don’t have the kids. With a trial fast approaching, I’m not fully invested on our relationship right now. I don’t have the headspace for everything. She understands and feels things will be different after the D. She says she can’t wait for the day when she is posting things on FB about us, but won’t do anything like that while I am still legally married.
> 
> If we can fly out of NY later today (snow again today) we are heading to Miami for a long weekend in south beach. I’m looking forward to the getaway.


So now the problem becomes that your going to be constantly on Facebook to check up on her and see how much she is posting and what she is posting etc. 

It’s weird that if all the things to say, she says she can’t wait to be able to post about you guys on Facebook. What a weird thought to have.


----------



## Enigma32

Some people really do enjoy social media, it doesn't mean they are using it for anything shady. My GF loves to post about us online. I will even tag her in something here and there since she likes it. When it comes to social media, most people barely bother to hide what they are doing wrong. If you are worried your SO is chatting up someone online, just check out who likes and comments on all their posts. That's who you need to worry about.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Girl_power said:


> So now the problem becomes that your going to be constantly on Facebook to check up on her and see how much she is posting and what she is posting etc.
> 
> It’s weird that if all the things to say, she says she can’t wait to be able to post about you guys on Facebook. What a weird thought to have.


“Danger Will Robinson!”


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## RebuildingMe

Girl_power said:


> So now the problem becomes that your going to be constantly on Facebook to check up on her and see how much she is posting and what she is posting etc.
> 
> It’s weird that if all the things to say, she says she can’t wait to be able to post about you guys on Facebook. What a weird thought to have.


Just out of curiosity, what is weird about that statement? I am pretty analytical about things and what people say, but that statement didn’t strike me as strange at the time. Now you have me thinking...


----------



## Livvie

Sounds like she is a social media junkie. She's filling some sort of hole with it.

She can't wait to post about you guys on Facebook. To me it sounds like a thought a teenager would have.


----------



## Blondilocks

Maybe she just wants to share with her extended family, IRL friends and 6,000,000 really good Facebook friends. I would be more worried if she didn't.


----------



## Not

Blondilocks said:


> Maybe she just wants to share with her extended family, IRL friends and 6,000,000 really good Facebook friends. I would be more worried if she didn't.


Yes. It bothered BF that I didn't reveal us on FB for 5 months. Double edged sword, depending.


----------



## Not

I have to be on FB. My dumb arse suggested a private FB group when Covid hit and we (management) were trying to figure out a way for us all to stay connected on a daily basis for meetings and training etc. Something easy that even the old timers could do. I could shoot myself now lol! Now I can't get off if I wanted to.

I do space out to FB a lot. I'm a meme collector and post nothing but stuff that gets me to laughing out loud. I do enjoy that but could do without everyone's political rants, drives me up a wall.


----------



## Girl_power

RebuildingMe said:


> Just out of curiosity, what is weird about that statement? I am pretty analytical about things and what people say, but that statement didn’t strike me as strange at the time. Now you have me thinking...


Most people live their life for them. I have some friends that almost seem like they live their life for social media. It’s the people whose lives always look perfect on social media that is obviously super fake. 
I know people who write these huge posts on their fb like happy birthday to the love of my life, I don’t know what I would do without you blah blah blah and they like never actually say that to them in real life. My ex boyfriend said his ex girlfriend use to do the most romantic things on Facebook, but never to him in real life. It’s just a show for other people.

Some women just want to show other people how happy they are. That’s more what it’s about. Like they would be unhappy if they can’t brag about their life in social media. 

It’s hard to explain. But some women are really wrapped up in this. Like they do things just to get a picture for social media. Or go places just so they can say it in social media. It’s the women you see on vacation who won’t out their phones down and are always trying to get the perfect picture instead of actually enjoying their partner in real life. 

So when she said I can’t wait to post about us on social media... that just sounds really weird to me. Like she should be saying I can’t wait to get all that stuff behind us so we can live our life together and focus on us. The fact that she even mentions social media is weird. Like your going through a life changing moment, your getting divorced and starting a new chapter. Why even mention social media?


----------



## Girl_power

Not said:


> Yes. It bothered BF that I didn't reveal us on FB for 5 months. Double edged sword, depending.


I agree. If you have social media and you use it, you need to make sure your partner has a presence on your page or else it looks like your single.

I don’t have facebook, in fact I am very anti facebook.


----------



## happyhusband0005

Girl_power said:


> Most people live their life for them. I have some friends that almost seem like they live their life for social media. It’s the people whose lives always look perfect on social media that is obviously super fake.
> I know people who write these huge posts on their fb like happy birthday to the love of my life, I don’t know what I would do without you blah blah blah and they like never actually say that to them in real life. My ex boyfriend said his ex girlfriend use to do the most romantic things on Facebook, but never to him in real life. It’s just a show for other people.
> 
> Some women just want to show other people how happy they are. That’s more what it’s about. Like they would be unhappy if they can’t brag about their life in social media.
> 
> It’s hard to explain. But some women are really wrapped up in this. Like they do things just to get a picture for social media. Or go places just so they can say it in social media. It’s the women you see on vacation who won’t out their phones down and are always trying to get the perfect picture instead of actually enjoying their partner in real life.
> 
> So when she said I can’t wait to post about us on social media... that just sounds really weird to me. Like she should be saying I can’t wait to get all that stuff behind us so we can live our life together and focus on us. The fact that she even mentions social media is weird. Like your going through a life changing moment, your getting divorced and starting a new chapter. Why even mention social media?


The simple answer is for a lot of people, if it's not on social media it didn't happen.


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> Yes. It bothered BF that I didn't reveal us on FB for 5 months. Double edged sword, depending.


I haven't updated my Facebook status, and if it bothers him, then I guess he should go first


----------



## Not

TXTrini said:


> I haven't updated my Facebook status, and if it bothers him, then I guess he should go first


My BF is a FB junky compared to other men I know. He's very politically motivated right now lol! Come to think of it all the males I see posting on FB are all about politics and that's it.
My guess though is that FB status's simply don't cross the minds of the average male unless they've received some motivation lol!


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> My BF is a FB junky compared to other men I know. He's very politically motivated right now lol! Come to think of it all the males I see posting on FB are all about politics and that's it.
> My guess though is that FB status's simply don't cross the minds of the average male unless they've received some motivation lol!


 
I frequent FB, but don't post much besides funny memes. I never really posted personal things, I'm a very private person. When I got divorced, I changed my name, announced I lost 200+ lbs and that was it. My bf hasn't been very active on there either, not since before we started dating. 

I won't lie and say I didn't go through his page with a fine-tooth comb , cause he still has his exes on his friends list. I'm not thrilled, and I've told him that, but he is who he is. If it becomes a problem, well, I divorced a man after nearly 20 yrs of being with him, so I'm not worried about that.


----------



## Not

TXTrini said:


> I frequent FB, but don't post much besides funny memes. I never really posted personal things, I'm a very private person. When I got divorced, I changed my name, announced I lost 200+ lbs and that was it. My bf hasn't been very active on there either, not since before we started dating.
> 
> I won't lie and say I didn't go through his page with a fine-tooth comb , cause he still has his exes on his friends list. I'm not thrilled, and I've told him that, but he is who he is. If it becomes a problem, well, I divorced a man after nearly 20 yrs of being with him, so I'm not worried about that.


I don't post anything personal either, hence the five months. It was none of nobody's business but then it didn't feel right after a time. By the time I shared it everyone knew anyway. I'll do a shout out to my kids for their birthdays or maybe post a picture from a weekend ride with BF but that's about it. BF is way more active with check-ins at restaurants or bars we visit, trips with us and his kids, holiday pictures etc. None of it bothers me in the least, it fits his personality. Outgoing and fun.

We've had one issue with an orbiter of his and he is still friends with her but he blocked her on messenger. She can't start anything behind the scenes that way at least.


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> I don't post anything personal either, hence the five months. It was none of nobody's business but then it didn't feel right after a time. By the time I shared it everyone knew anyway. I'll do a shout out to my kids for their birthdays or maybe post a picture from a weekend ride with BF but that's about it. BF is way more active with check-ins at restaurants or bars we visit, trips with us and his kids, holiday pictures etc. None of it bothers me in the least, it fits his personality. Outgoing and fun.
> 
> We've had one issue with an orbiter of his and he is still friends with her but he blocked her on messenger. She can't start anything behind the scenes that way at least.


I'm not much of a picture person, never have been. I didn't realize how bad it was until I had to take a few selfies for my dating profile, b/c the last pics I had were 4 years old at that time. Ironically, my ex took the pic most men raved about and I laughed it up, b/c he helped me score.  

I'm cautious to post relationship stuff, especially now. In my view, we're still new and I want to see where this is going. This is where my b/f and I disagree, he thinks a year is enough to be more public, but like I said, he's welcome to go first if it's a big deal. 

From reading comments here, it just seems like some people use social media to "keep up with the Jonses" and I can't claim I don't do that to an extent. It's just more important to some people than others.


----------



## Chuck71

Girl_power said:


> Most people live their life for them. I have some friends that almost seem like they live their life for social media. It’s the people whose lives always look perfect on social media that is obviously super fake.
> I know people who write these huge posts on their fb like happy birthday to the love of my life, I don’t know what I would do without you blah blah blah and they like never actually say that to them in real life. My ex boyfriend said his ex girlfriend use to do the most romantic things on Facebook, but never to him in real life. It’s just a show for other people.
> 
> Some women just want to show other people how happy they are. That’s more what it’s about. Like they would be unhappy if they can’t brag about their life in social media.
> 
> It’s hard to explain. But some women are really wrapped up in this. Like they do things just to get a picture for social media. Or go places just so they can say it in social media. It’s the women you see on vacation who won’t out their phones down and are always trying to get the perfect picture instead of actually enjoying their partner in real life.
> 
> So when she said I can’t wait to post about us on social media... that just sounds really weird to me. Like she should be saying I can’t wait to get all that stuff behind us so we can live our life together and focus on us. The fact that she even mentions social media is weird. Like your going through a life changing moment, your getting divorced and starting a new chapter. Why even mention social media?



Read what she wrote...........she is giving you insight.

It's not meant to say how you think but................. 

and that's why you're here, right?

We think differently.........we're supposed to


----------



## RebuildingMe

Girl_power said:


> Most people live their life for them. I have some friends that almost seem like they live their life for social media. It’s the people whose lives always look perfect on social media that is obviously super fake.
> I know people who write these huge posts on their fb like happy birthday to the love of my life, I don’t know what I would do without you blah blah blah and they like never actually say that to them in real life. My ex boyfriend said his ex girlfriend use to do the most romantic things on Facebook, but never to him in real life. It’s just a show for other people.
> 
> Some women just want to show other people how happy they are. That’s more what it’s about. Like they would be unhappy if they can’t brag about their life in social media.
> 
> It’s hard to explain. But some women are really wrapped up in this. Like they do things just to get a picture for social media. Or go places just so they can say it in social media. It’s the women you see on vacation who won’t out their phones down and are always trying to get the perfect picture instead of actually enjoying their partner in real life.
> 
> So when she said I can’t wait to post about us on social media... that just sounds really weird to me. Like she should be saying I can’t wait to get all that stuff behind us so we can live our life together and focus on us. The fact that she even mentions social media is weird. Like your going through a life changing moment, your getting divorced and starting a new chapter. Why even mention social media?


I get what you are saying here. Thank you.

The thank you’s are the worst. She responds with a “thank you” to every person that makes a comment. Therefore, the comments on any typical picture could reach over 100. Just too much for me to read so I don’t.


----------



## Girl_power

RebuildingMe said:


> I get what you are saying here. Thank you.
> 
> The thank you’s are the worst. She responds with a “thank you” to every person that makes a comment. Therefore, the comments on any typical picture could reach over 100. Just too much for me to read so I don’t.


It’s like she’s a host at her party. Oh thank you for coming! I hope you enjoyed my pictures! Please some again.


----------



## Numb26

Giannaapom said:


> Social media has always been something mysterious and distant for me. I recently created a Facebook page and didn't understand what I had to do there at all. Can someone give me a hint?


Yeah, delete it


----------



## Enigma32

Giannaapom said:


> Social media has always been something mysterious and distant for me. I recently created a Facebook page and didn't understand what I had to do there at all. Can someone give me a hint?


Do with it whatever you want. Personally, I use FB to keep up with old friends I never see otherwise, and I like to join different social media groups that cater to my interests.


----------



## rockon

Giannaapom said:


> Social media has always been something mysterious and distant for me. I recently created a Facebook page and didn't understand what I had to do there at all. Can someone give me a hint?


Read the privacy policy. It should scare the hell out of you.


----------



## MattMatt

Giannaapom said:


> Social media has always been something mysterious and distant for me. I recently created a Facebook page and didn't understand what I had to do there at all. Can someone give me a hint?


Facebook has a help section. They should be able to advice you.


----------



## 342693

I have FB but rarely use it...only if I'm selling or looking to buy something on Marketplace. Got friends that use it to document their every move though.


----------



## frenchpaddy

i use FBOOK a lot , use it for info on fixing stuff finding stuff many helpful people on there as well , 
it comes down to how you want to use it 
I have a group for sales that has went from 300 members to 3400 in 9 months and have a few other that is just a way of keeping contact and networking , 

I block fools very fast


----------



## RebuildingMe

So, to update this zombie thread, I found out the other day that my gf of two years never blocked the guy from Seattle and has been speaking to him through messenger sometimes at 1 or 2am. This guy is married. She’s admitted that he has feelings for her. I don’t know if he’s a high school sweetheart or not. She’s tight lipped about the entire relationship. Anyway, the messages I saw were not sexual, just this guy going through marriage problems and my gf giving advice and telling him to call her. Who knows how many calls/texts as she deletes everything. She’s not open/transparent. When confronted, she said I can’t control her and she can speak to whomever she wants. She, of course, said “he’s just a friend”. She couldn’t understand my anger and hurt from her lying to me that she cut him off over a year ago. So I had to help her understand…

Last night we went for drinks with her best friend and husband. It was an outdoor bar at the beach and they were shooting off fireworks. I hit on and picked upped a cute 20 something year old waitress right in front of gf and her friends. The girl and I watched the fireworks together. When it was over she was going to give me her number. I told her it was nice to meet you and goodnight. Gf didn’t say a word to me in the car ride home. I texted her last night “that’s what it’s like to be in a relationship with no boundaries. Is that what you want?” She responded that I proved my point and she understood my message.

It truly is spot on that most women want men that other women want. I had no preconceived plans on doing what I did last night. The opportunity just arose and obviously could have backfired. It didn’t. Hey, at least I know I still got it.

And yes, I realize I’m in a dysfunctional relationship with gf. Where we go from here is anyones guess. She texted me this morning she’s reading about EA’s. Blah, blah, blah 🤮🤮

For 51 years, I’m still searching for an honest, safe partner. They seem to be like unicorns.


----------



## Diana7

RebuildingMe said:


> So, to update this zombie thread, I found out the other day that my gf of two years never blocked the guy from Seattle and has been speaking to him through messenger sometimes and 1 or 2am. This guy is married. Anyway, the messages I saw we not sexual, just this guy going through marriage problems and my gf giving advice and telling him to call her. Who knows how many calls/texts as she deletes everything. When confronted, she said I can’t control her and she can speak to whomever she wants. She, of course, said “he’s just a friend”. She couldn’t understand my anger and hurt from her lying to me that she cut him off over a year ago. So I had to help her understand…
> 
> Last night we went for drinks with her best friend and husband. It was an outdoor bar at the beach and they were shooting off fireworks. I hit on and picked upped a cute 20 something year old waitress right in front of gf and her friends. The girl and I watched the fireworks together. When it was over she was going to give me her number. I told her it was nice to meet you and goodnight. Gf didn’t say a word to me in the car ride home. I texted her last night “that’s what it’s like to be in a relationship with no boundaries. Is that what you want?” She responded that I proved my point and she understood my message.
> 
> It truly is spot on that most women want men that other women want. I had no preconceived plans on doing what I did last night. The opportunity just arose and obviously could have backfired. It didn’t. Hey, at least I know I still got it.
> 
> And yes, I realize I’m in a dysfunctional relationship with gf. Where we go from here is anyones guess. She texted me this morning she’s reading about EA’s. Blah, blah, blah 🤮🤮
> 
> For 51 years, I’m still searching for an honest, safe partner. They seem to be like unicorns.


Hard to know how you could trust her now. Don't settle though just because you can't find an honest safe lady right now, They are around.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Diana7 said:


> Hard to know how you could trust her now. Don't settle though just because you can't find an honest safe lady right now, They are around.


No I can’t trust her now. Can’t trust anyone honestly. Whatever happens with this one, I’m swearing off the LTR’s and see switching to FWB’s.


----------



## Openminded

Honest, safe partners are still around but that’s not who you end up with. You need to figure out why that is.

IIRC the last time you broke up she threw some sex at you and back you went. She’s likely to do that again when she gets the chance. It’s her go-to because it works.

Be aware and be smart.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Openminded said:


> Honest, safe partners are still around but that’s not who you end up with. You need to figure out why that is.
> 
> IIRC the last time you broke up she threw some sex at you and back you went. She’s likely to do that again when she gets the chance. It’s her go-to because it works.
> 
> Be aware and be smart.


I am thankful that we don’t live together and have nothing commingled. It will make for a clean, easy break other than my twins love her.


----------



## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> So, to update this zombie thread, I found out the other day that my gf of two years never blocked the guy from Seattle and has been speaking to him through messenger sometimes and 1 or 2am. This guy is married. Anyway, the messages I saw we not sexual, just this guy going through marriage problems and my gf giving advice and telling him to call her. Who knows how many calls/texts as she deletes everything. When confronted, she said I can’t control her and she can speak to whomever she wants. She, of course, said “he’s just a friend”. She couldn’t understand my anger and hurt from her lying to me that she cut him off over a year ago. So I had to help her understand…
> 
> Last night we went for drinks with her best friend and husband. It was an outdoor bar at the beach and they were shooting off fireworks. I hit on and picked upped a cute 20 something year old waitress right in front of gf and her friends. The girl and I watched the fireworks together. When it was over she was going to give me her number. I told her it was nice to meet you and goodnight. Gf didn’t say a word to me in the car ride home. I texted her last night “that’s what it’s like to be in a relationship with no boundaries. Is that what you want?” She responded that I proved my point and she understood my message.
> 
> It truly is spot on that most women want men that other women want. I had no preconceived plans on doing what I did last night. The opportunity just arose and obviously could have backfired. It didn’t. Hey, at least I know I still got it.
> 
> And yes, I realize I’m in a dysfunctional relationship with gf. Where we go from here is anyones guess. She texted me this morning she’s reading about EA’s. Blah, blah, blah 🤮🤮
> 
> For 51 years, I’m still searching for an honest, safe partner. They seem to be like unicorns.


Wow! That's so shady! People fix marriages , not bf/gf relationships! It's not like you didn't tell her how you felt about it from the getgo, yet she still went there. 

I'd be out.


----------



## RebuildingMe

TXTrini said:


> Wow! That's so shady! People fix marriages , not bf/gf relationships! It's not like you didn't tell her how you felt about it from the getgo, yet she still went there.
> 
> I'd be out.


I’m heavily leaning that way. Shady.


----------



## joannacroc

I use Facebook a couple of times a day and like to check in with family and friends who live far away. It helps me get an idea of what's going on in their lives. Because FB was one of the ways my cheating XH cheated, let's say my radar is up if someone is very occupied on social media. But the reality is...it's here. It's like TV. It might not be "good for anyone" but it's not going anywhere. That said, if you really feel like your GF uses it too much, ask yourself if this is really about her level of use, or your fear of being cheated on again. Because my XBF didn't use social media and still found plenty of ways to troll for dates.


----------



## RebuildingMe

joannacroc said:


> I use Facebook a couple of times a day and like to check in with family and friends who live far away. It helps me get an idea of what's going on in their lives. Because FB was one of the ways my cheating XH cheated, let's say my radar is up if someone is very occupied on social media. But the reality is...it's here. It's like TV. It might not be "good for anyone" but it's not going anywhere. That said, if you really feel like your GF uses it too much, ask yourself if this is really about her level of use, or your fear of being cheated on again. Because my XBF didn't use social media and still found plenty of ways to troll for dates.


I’m not convinced she’s trolling for dates, but she is attention seeking. Much like the other girl who posted a recent social media post, minus the explicit photos. She’s 50 and her options are drying up. I think in her mind she thinks she’s still 30.

I’ve vetted her. I’d love 30 minutes with her ex husband, who I have a friendly relationship with. So many unanswered questions…


----------



## Enigma32

RebuildingMe said:


> I’m not convinced she’s trolling for dates, but she is attention seeking. Much like the other girl who posted a recent social media post, minus the explicit photos. She’s 50 and her options are drying up. I think in her mind she thinks she’s still 30.
> 
> I’ve vetted her. I’d love 30 minutes with her ex husband, who I have a friendly relationship with. So many unanswered questions…


I'd have that chat with the ex husband. You learn so much by getting the other side of a story. If you are leaning towards getting rid of her now, I bet after talking to the ex you will learn enough to walk away content with that decision. Been there.


----------



## Enigma32

TXTrini said:


> Wow! That's so shady! People fix marriages , not bf/gf relationships! It's not like you didn't tell her how you felt about it from the getgo, yet she still went there.
> 
> I'd be out.


I think this is advice more people should heed. If you are having problems in a relationship, it's usually just a sign of what's to come. Back out before it gets worse.


----------



## Livvie

I think the problem is.... there were red flags and issues that showed you she wasn't a great person in some regards, and you stuck with her anyway. Wasn't there a yucky personality issue that showed up the first time you went away together for the weekend?

Next time don't stick with them when questionable stuff is revealed.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Enigma32 said:


> I'd have that chat with the ex husband. You learn so much by getting the other side of a story. If you are leaning towards getting rid of her now, I bet after talking to the ex you will learn enough to walk away content with that decision. Been there.


No history of infidelity, but marriage became sexless. I’d love his take on it.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Livvie said:


> I think the problem is.... there were red flags and issues that showed you she wasn't a great person in some regards, and you stuck with her anyway. Wasn't there a yucky personality issue that showed up the first time you went away together for the weekend?
> 
> Next time don't stick with them when questionable stuff is revealed.


Correct. There were red flags within two months when we went away and I got the silent treatment. She’s passive-aggressive and so am I. Hence, hitting on the waitress last night.


----------



## Enigma32

RebuildingMe said:


> No history of infidelity, but marriage became sexless. I’d love his take on it.


When I got with my now ex, her claim regarding the end of her marriage was that her ex husband had cheated on her. I later found out she was cheating on him. Always 2 sides. 

If I were you, I'd hunt for another girl and monkeybranch away from the current one. She's proven she can't be trusted and that's reason enough to walk away, IMO.


----------



## Livvie

Enigma32 said:


> When I got with my now ex, her claim regarding the end of her marriage was that her ex husband had cheated on her. I later found out she was cheating on him. Always 2 sides.
> 
> If I were you, I'd hunt for another girl and monkeybranch away from the current one. She's proven she can't be trusted and that's reason enough to walk away, IMO.


I agree, but why monkeybranch? End it and be single while you are looking for another partner.


----------



## Enigma32

Livvie said:


> I agree, but why monkeybranch? End it and be single while you are looking for another partner.


Because I'm hateful? 🤣 I've noticed from personal experience and observations both, that people do stupid things when they are lonely. If he walks away and ends up alone, he might have a moment of weakness and hit her up again. If you at least have a prospect or 2 on deck when you walk away, it will alleviate that potential problem.


----------



## PieceOfSky

RebuildingMe said:


> I’ve vetted her.


Not sure what you are saying... There was a big problem found, right? Problem being you found she has been lying about Seattle dude, and was pissed about you having a problem with what she has been doing. (Implication: “how could I not lie to you if you are going to be that way?”

Seems like a big incompatibility at best, and possibly manipulation, distance/power-keeping and/or entitlement on her part.
I’m curious, did you mention the EA terminology to her, or did she just “happen” across it on her own after the fireworks incident?


----------



## PieceOfSky

Talking to her ex about what her behavior was in their marriage seems likely to be something she’d experience as a betrayal. Even if he confirms her stories, it may be the end of your relationship someday. No offense, but could sabotaging your relationship ship with her be something a part of you would like to have happen?


----------



## RebuildingMe

PieceOfSky said:


> Not sure what you are saying... There was a big problem found, right? Problem being you found she has been lying about Seattle dude, and was pissed about you having a problem with what she has been doing. (Implication: “how could I not lie to you if you are going to be that way?”
> 
> Seems like a big incompatibility at best, and possibly manipulation, distance/power-keeping and/or entitlement on her part.
> I’m curious, did you mention the EA terminology to her, or did she just “happen” across it on her own after the fireworks incident?


To be honest, I mentioned the EA and sent her a screen shot of what an EA was last night. She claims she was up all night researching what an EA was. However, as of this morning, she was still friends with “him” on fb. I pointed that out, and she quickly deleted him. She took full credit, but I knew otherwise. Grade 1 shady.


----------



## PieceOfSky

Enigma32 said:


> Because I'm hateful? 🤣 I've noticed from personal experience and observations both, that people do stupid things when they are lonely. If he walks away and ends up alone, he might have a moment of weakness and hit her up again. If you at least have a prospect or 2 on deck when you walk away, it will alleviate that potential problem.


That rings true. At the same time, having a boundary about something and enforcing it directly can make it easier to recognize and enforce the next time, perhaps earlier. So maybe there are trade offs.


----------



## Enigma32

RebuildingMe said:


> To be honest, I mentioned the EA and sent her a screen shot of what an EA was last night. She claims she was up all night researching what an EA was. However, as of this morning, she was still friends with “him” on fb. I pointed that out, and she quickly deleted him. She took full credit, but I knew otherwise. Grade 1 shady.


Deleting someone on FB means nothing if they are still talking via messenger.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Enigma32 said:


> Deleting someone on FB means nothing if they are still talking via messenger.


I agree. You can block a person, but I’m sure he’s not blocked. She’s claiming she’s “naive”. Not buying it. She knows EXACTLY what she’s doing. I have experience in this. She can’t deceive me.


----------



## RebuildingMe

God only knows what they were talking about. I’ve mentioned it a couple of times today…crickets.


----------



## Enigma32

RebuildingMe said:


> I agree. You can block a person, but I’m sure he’s not blocked. She’s claiming she’s “naive”. Not buying it. She knows EXACTLY what she’s doing. I have experience in this. She can’t deceive me.


A block can easily be reversed too. Does she use other social media besides FB? When I caught an ex cheating, she blocked a guy on FB but still talked to him in Snap. I don't use Snap so I didn't know.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Enigma32 said:


> A block can easily be reversed too. Does she use other social media besides FB? When I caught an ex cheating, she blocked a guy on FB but still talked to him in Snap. I don't use Snap so I didn't know.


So about a week ago she was hacked. She came over my house seeking assistance on creating new passwords on all of her apps, fb, banking, etc. She left her fb profile up on my laptop, which is how I discovered she was still speaking to Seattle. I didn’t see any other social media.


----------



## RebuildingMe

If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat….


----------



## RebuildingMe

I just messenger her ex if he was available for a beer. The plot thickens….


----------



## Diana7

RebuildingMe said:


> No I can’t trust her now. Can’t trust anyone honestly. Whatever happens with this one, I’m swearing off the LTR’s and see switching to FWB’s.


There are good people out there.


----------



## Diana7

Enigma32 said:


> When I got with my now ex, her claim regarding the end of her marriage was that her ex husband had cheated on her. I later found out she was cheating on him. Always 2 sides.
> 
> If I were you, I'd hunt for another girl and monkeybranch away from the current one. She's proven she can't be trusted and that's reason enough to walk away, IMO.


Not sure jumping straight away into a new relationship is a good idea. Maybe a time of reflection and being alone would help more.


----------



## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> I just messenger her ex if he was available for a beer. The plot thickens….


Drama!

Of course you know we wanna know what you get to know!
😆


----------



## Chuck71

It's him or me....choose. If you can't decide, I'll choose for you.

And if she can't....."there's the door"

It's THAT simple


----------



## Not

Chuck71 said:


> It's him or me....choose. If you can't decide, I'll choose for you.
> 
> And if she can't....."there's the door"
> 
> It's THAT simple


Ugh, I couldn't even do that. I'd rather just walk away with my dignity intact. And without explanation because the reason is already so obvious.

Rebuilding- you clearly already know what needs to be done.


----------



## Chuck71

Rebuilding needs re-built. Small steps


----------



## Openminded

Didn’t you already tell her before, when you first learned about him, to choose him or you? And she supposedly chose you?


----------



## Evinrude58

RebuildingMe said:


> Thank you for the responses. They are most helpful. I understand that the problem is more with me and not with her. These are my triggers. Hopefully, someday, they won’t be as triggering for me. That said, I am going to speak to her today and let her know, nicely, why they are my triggers. She knows I carry baggage. She probably thought it was just an overhead bag but doesn’t know I have two more checked bags, lol. Infidelity really messes with your mind and heart. Trust is so hard for me now.
> 
> To answer someone’s question, FB is how my stbx found her ex and had an 10 year relationship behind my back until I woke up and caught them. I don’t blame FB, I blame my stbx. But I can’t help but wonder when I see anyone on FB, who are they really talking to...
> 
> For further clarity, gf told me about a married guy on the west coast she was talking to. It got personal. Sounded like an EA. She told him to go be with his wife and work it out. This was right before I met her. I just found out they’ve been in contact. Guess how? FB messenger. Before anyone asks, she deletes all her texts and messages. Now to be honest, I have female friends that I text with. However, I don’t use FB and don’t ever delete texts. GF asks about them, but doesn’t seem to mind. I let her know when we text. She’ll ask how they are doing. Stuff like that.


In light of this info, you’re a moron if you don’t dump her.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Openminded said:


> Didn’t you already tell her before, when you first learned about him, to choose him or you? And she supposedly chose you?


Yes, that is correct. She supposedly deleted him. She apparently didn’t. He is deleted now, but now is too late for me. I don’t think their relationship is sexual at all, just support for each other. Him likely venting about his wife, her venting about me when we fight. I just found out she reached back out to him in February of this year when we were having some issues. Seems to be a pattern for these two. I don’t even know how they know each other, but he does live on the other side of the country. NOTHING good can ever come from talking to married dude at 2am. I’m a lot of things, but stupid isn’t one of them. I’ll also say that gf gets up at 6am to go to work 6 days a week. We usually hang up by 11pm. So, yeah, there’s something about 2am talks that make me want to 🤮🤮🤮


----------



## Not

Damn, I'm sorry Rebuilding. Her moral compass is wonky, no way you could have known.


----------



## RebuildingMe

PieceOfSky said:


> Talking to her ex about what her behavior was in their marriage seems likely to be something she’d experience as a betrayal. Even if he confirms her stories, it may be the end of your relationship someday. No offense, but could sabotaging your relationship ship with her be something a part of you would like to have happen?


I’m not going that route. It would just create more hassle and I wouldn’t want her going behind my back to my ex either. I told her I reached out to him and admitted that was a bad decision on my part. He didn’t respond to me. She saw him last night as they all went out to dinner for her sons 18th birthday and he didn’t even mention to her that I reached out.


----------



## Openminded

She’s shown you who she is. I hope you don’t give her a third (or fourth) chance this time.


----------



## RebuildingMe

PieceOfSky said:


> Not sure what you are saying... There was a big problem found, right? Problem being you found she has been lying about Seattle dude, and was pissed about you having a problem with what she has been doing. (Implication: “how could I not lie to you if you are going to be that way?”
> 
> Seems like a big incompatibility at best, and possibly manipulation, distance/power-keeping and/or entitlement on her part.
> I’m curious, did you mention the EA terminology to her, or did she just “happen” across it on her own after the fireworks incident?


I mentioned an EA to her. She never heard of it. She apparently did some research Saturday night on her own and Sunday I woke up to a long, meaningful text from her. I just don’t know if I’m allowed to share it or even how to.


----------



## Openminded

RebuildingMe said:


> I mentioned an EA to her. She never heard of it. She apparently did some research Saturday night on her own and Sunday I woke up to a long, meaningful text from her. I just don’t know if I’m allowed to share it or even how to.


I wouldn’t. This isn’t in the Private Forum. And it doesn’t matter anyway. She told you she had deleted him and she didn’t. That’s all you need to know about her. You would advise any other poster to dump their partner if they experienced the same situation so …


----------



## PieceOfSky

Technically it’s probably not hard to share. However, I’d guess most would not appreciate private thoughts shared verbatim even though this is allegedly anonymous here.


----------



## PieceOfSky

Btw, since you’re dealing with a trigger, I’d like to emphasize (1) there are women that would have, by their own nature, would have not even gotten close to your boundary, regardless of knowing or not that that particular boundary existed for you; (2) there are women that would have heard your literal expression of that boundary the first time, and either valued you enough to choose to respect that boundary, or, if conflicted with her other desires, then made an honest/above board attempt to renegotiate the boundary with you.

If she intentionally misled you, then she is none of the above, and probably doesn’t want to be.


----------



## RebuildingMe

PieceOfSky said:


> Btw, since you’re dealing with a trigger, I’d like to emphasize (1) there are women that would have, by their own nature, would have not even gotten close to your boundary, regardless of knowing or not that that particular boundary existed for you; (2) there are women that would have heard your literal expression of that boundary the first time, and either valued you enough to choose to respect that boundary, or, if conflicted with her other desires, then made an honest/above board attempt to renegotiate the boundary with you.
> 
> If she intentionally misled you, then she is none of the above, and probably doesn’t want to be.


That’s it exactly. Even if she didn’t think there was anything wrong with what she was doing (probably quite normal for relationships without prior cheating in their pasts), the fact that she went back to this after I expressed my feelings of concern is quite disturbing and disrespectful.


----------



## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> That’s it exactly. Even if she didn’t think there was anything wrong with what she was doing (probably quite normal for relationships without prior cheating in their pasts), the fact that she went back to this after I expressed my feelings of concern is quite disturbing and disrespectful.


I'm sorry you're dealing with this, it's not right. If she'd had no idea, it would be one thing, but you were clear when you communicated your feelings. 

How are you feeling about all of this?


----------



## RebuildingMe

TXTrini said:


> I'm sorry you're dealing with this, it's not right. If she'd had no idea, it would be one thing, but you were clear when you communicated your feelings.
> 
> How are you feeling about all of this?


I’m feeling disappointed about the entire thing. Two years is a long time. My kids really like her. We have a cruise with both families coming up in august that’s already paid for. It just makes me question everyone’s judgement. I know there was no cheating or any photos or anything. But there obviously is something about her being addicted to this guy in some emotional way. Like she feels compelled to be his voice of reason. My past and baggage doesn’t help. I’m uber sensitive to deception.


----------



## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> I’m feeling disappointed about the entire thing. Two years is a long time. My kids really like her. We have a cruise with both families coming up in august that’s already paid for. It just makes me question everyone’s judgement. I know there was no cheating or any photos or anything. But there obviously is something about her being addicted to this guy in some emotional way. Like she feels compelled to be his voice of reason. My past and baggage doesn’t help. I’m uber sensitive to deception.


I totally get that. It's a pity she let her need for external validation drive you guys to this point, she seemed to check a lot of the boxes you mentioned early on. I'm also really sensitive to deception too, you know my history... I laid it out for my bf early on, we had that in common, he was also cheated on and thrown away. 

That common experience allowed us to understand each other and not discount the other's triggers. I don't think people understand how insidious trust issues can be unless they've been betrayed. Honesty is hard and messy though, you sure you have the gumption for that? You hear very unflattering things and have to evaluate them without being super reactive. 

You mentioned earlier being passive-aggressive and shared the game you played with the waitress in front of her. I'm not saying she didn't deserve it, but it's time for a little self-examination too. It's like rubbing a puppy's nose in their pee when trying to housebreak them and only reinforcing negative behavior. I honestly don't think you two are playing off each other positively, it's rather toxic and you don't sound happy.


----------



## RebuildingMe

TXTrini said:


> I totally get that. It's a pity she let her need for external validation drive you guys to this point, she seemed to check a lot of the boxes you mentioned early on. I'm also really sensitive to deception too, you know my history... I laid it out for my bf early on, we had that in common, he was also cheated on and thrown away.
> 
> That common experience allowed us to understand each other and not discount the other's triggers. I don't think people understand how insidious trust issues can be unless they've been betrayed. Honesty is hard and messy though, you sure you have the gumption for that? You hear very unflattering things and have to evaluate them without being super reactive.
> 
> You mentioned earlier being passive-aggressive and shared the game you played with the waitress in front of her. I'm not saying she didn't deserve it, but it's time for a little self-examination too. It's like rubbing a puppy's nose in their pee when trying to housebreak them and only reinforcing negative behavior. I honestly don't think you two are playing off each other positively, it's rather toxic and you don't sound happy.


Yes, she checked a lot of boxes and still does to be quite honest. She says she’s never cheated or been cheated on, so she doesn’t understand that tight boundary herself. She obviously knows how this affected me though. Some lessons are tough.

Regarding the passive-aggressive behaviors, I’ve been through them and I’ve been guilty of that myself. It’s definitely a flaw I have, one that I should probably work on. I’m pretty open and vulnerable also with someone i car about. The waitress incident was me trying to get her to understand what a relationship without boundaries looks like. It really wasn’t intended to ‘get even’. To your analogy, it would be like my cat taking a dump in my bed. I don’t rub his nose in it. Instead I take a dump in his litter box and say “see how it feels”?


----------



## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> Yes, she checked a lot of boxes and still does to be quite honest. She says she’s never cheated or been cheated on, so she doesn’t understand that tight boundary herself. She obviously knows how this affected me though. Some lessons are tough.
> 
> Regarding the passive-aggressive behaviors, I’ve been through them and I’ve been guilty of that myself. It’s definitely a flaw I have, one that I should probably work on. I’m pretty open and vulnerable also with someone i car about. The waitress incident was me trying to get her to understand what a relationship without boundaries looks like. It really wasn’t intended to ‘get even’. To your analogy, it would be like my cat taking a dump in my bed. I don’t rub his nose in it. Instead I take a dump in his litter box and say “see how it feels”?


So what now?

Are you going to try and chug on until the cruise? You might be able to get some money back, but not 100% at this point.


----------



## RebuildingMe

TXTrini said:


> So what now?


🤷‍♂️

Havent seen her since Saturday. She wanted to hang out tonight but I decided to mow the lawn instead. She hasn’t mentioned any of this since Sunday. I thinks she trying to rugsweep, as she plans her sons high school graduation party this weekend. It’s times like this I’m sure glad I don’t live with her or anyone.


----------



## PieceOfSky

Has she shown any empathy for you carrying baggage? Have you called her on the dishonesty? What was so meaningful about her text?

Sure, certain things are a trigger for you. However, I don’t think it takes your sort of baggage to be uncomfortable with a serious, exclusive gf/bf having late night conversations with a member of the attractive sex about emotional things, keeping those conversations existence and content hidden from you.

Such conversations are not necessarily problematic. But, they can be, and I think many of us would not be comfortable with them. Baggage or not.


----------



## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> 🤷‍♂️
> 
> Havent seen her since Saturday. She wanted to hang out tonight but I decided to mow the lawn instead. She hasn’t mentioned any of this since Sunday. I thinks she trying to rugsweep, as she plans her sons high school graduation party this weekend. It’s times like this I’m sure glad I don’t live with her or anyone.


Ugh, that would annoy the crap out of me. Guess you'd better trim your hedges tomorrow! 😂


----------



## 2&out

I'm guessing she isn't all that happy either having to deal with such insecurity and her having her behavior monitored on who she can talk to or not. I think you need to find someone who has been cheated on so they are as emotionally damaged and can relate to you. If some chick tried to monitor and tell me who I could talk to because of a past experience she had and try to control me and tell me I need to be more aware of her problem, and change, dump some of my past and present acquaintances when I am doing NOTHING except chatting with a friend, I'd be outta there. If I can't be trusted when I've done nothing wrong then obviously I'm not right for you. For sure the relationship will never be all that great so why bother.

I guess if her not cutting off a long term friendship when asked before is doing something wrong, then maybe she did. But she shouldn't have been asked to, to begin with.


----------



## RebuildingMe

2&out said:


> I'm guessing she isn't all that happy either having to deal with such insecurity and her having her behavior monitored on who she can talk to or not. I think you need to find someone who has been cheated on so they are as emotionally damaged and can relate to you. If some chick tried to monitor and tell me who I could talk to because of a past experience she had and try to control me and tell me I need to be more aware of her problem, and change, dump some of my past and present acquaintances when I am doing NOTHING except chatting with a friend, I'd be outta there. If I can't be trusted when I've done nothing wrong then obviously I'm not right for you. For sure the relationship will never be all that great so why bother.
> 
> I guess if her not cutting off a long term friendship when asked before is doing something wrong, then maybe she did. But she shouldn't have been asked to, to begin with.


I understand what you are saying. I don’t know if you read it, but he expressed feelings for her right before I met her. She allegedly told him he needs to work things out with his wife and cut off communication with him because it was inappropriate since he was married. However, she’s gone back to communicating with him two more times.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t express “feelings or desires” to my long time opposite sex friends.


----------



## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> I understand what you are saying. I don’t know if you read it, but he expressed feelings for her right before I met her. She allegedly told him he needs to work things out with his wife and cut off communication with him because it was inappropriate since he was married. However, she’s gone back to communicating with him two more times.
> 
> I don’t know about you, but I don’t express “feelings or desires” to my long time opposite sex friends.


Some people are incapable of empathy and consideration.


----------



## 2&out

RebuildingMe said:


> I understand what you are saying. I don’t know if you read it, but he expressed feelings for her right before I met her. She allegedly told him he needs to work things out with his wife and cut off communication with him because it was inappropriate since he was married. However, she’s gone back to communicating with him two more times.
> 
> I don’t know about you, but I don’t express “feelings or desires” to my long time opposite sex friends.


I guess I still don't see a lot wrong. So they like each other - but not enough to take it to the next level. I don't see expressing care and feelings for someone as a problem if it isn't ever acted on. They've both "had the chance" and nothing has ever come of it. Just some thinking/dreaming what if kind of thing on occasion. I personally don't have a problem with that kind of thing on occasion and guess thought it was kind of common. But I'm not the need to share everything type. I'm Ok if my partner lives in a fantasy a brief time once in a while. Hell - I do. I can't and don't live thinking "but it could/might" and have it cloud my life. To me it shows a lack of self confidence.

Bud - she's lucky to have you. Feel, live, and project that. Actually heard an appropriate tune on this on way into work this morning. Tom Petty with babe, you got lucky when I found you... if you think you can do better than me then go, just go. . IMO lead the relationship and know its just some chit chat - it isn't a threat to you.


----------



## RebuildingMe

2&out said:


> I guess I still don't see a lot wrong. So they like each other - but not enough to take it to the next level. I don't see expressing care and feelings for someone as a problem if it isn't ever acted on. They've both "had the chance" and nothing has ever come of it. Just some thinking/dreaming what if kind of thing on occasion. I personally don't have a problem with that kind of thing on occasion and guess thought it was kind of common. But I'm not the need to share everything type. I'm Ok if my partner lives in a fantasy a brief time once in a while. Hell - I do. I can't and don't live thinking "but it could/might" and have it cloud my life. To me it shows a lack of self confidence.
> 
> Bud - she's lucky to have you. Feel, live, and project that. Actually heard an appropriate tune on this on way into work this morning. Tom Petty with babe, you got lucky when I found you... if you think you can do better than me then go, just go. . IMO lead the relationship and know its just some chit chat - it isn't a threat to you.


So I should lighten up a bit? I do realize my damaged past plays a factor. People not on TAM may not have an issue with a lot of things that bother us or that we complain about on here (political threads excluded).

Anyway, I haven’t seen her since this all went down. I’ve agreed to meet her tonight as she asked that I “hear her out”. She wants to tell me the entire history of her relationship with this guy and why she would seek out his advice and opinions. She also wants to apologize for betraying my trust and wants to know what she can do to support me or make me feel more comfortable. She’s never had interest in anyone else since the day she met me. She’s deeply in love with me and is embarrassed and hurt by what she did to me. We’ll see…


----------



## Openminded

Was everything she’s saying now also true the last time this happened? Did you make yourself clear about where you stood then?


----------



## PieceOfSky

2&out said:


> I guess if her not cutting off a long term friendship when asked before is doing something wrong, then maybe she did. But she shouldn't have been asked to, to begin with.



My understanding (potentially incorrect) is that she was deceptive about cutting off contact; she actively misled @RebuildingMe into believing she was cutting off contact.

That’s very different from saying “no” when asked. It’s manipulative and dishonest. That is what shouldn’t have happened.


----------



## Enigma32

RebuildingMe said:


> So I should lighten up a bit? I do realize my damaged past plays a factor. People not on TAM may not have an issue with a lot of things that bother us or that we complain about on here (political threads excluded).
> 
> Anyway, I haven’t seen her since this all went down. I’ve agreed to meet her tonight as she asked that I “hear her out”. She wants to tell me the entire history of her relationship with this guy and why she would seek out his advice and opinions. She also wants to apologize for betraying my trust and wants to know what she can do to support me or make me feel more comfortable. She’s never had interest in anyone else since the day she met me. She’s deeply in love with me and is embarrassed and hurt by what she did to me. We’ll see…


What she wants to do is damage control. She's been caught so she wants to smooth things out and keep you around. Now she even wants to convince you that you should tolerate this guy, so not only does she get to keep you, but she no longer has to hide him. 

Maybe I'm cynical but any woman that picks guy friends over her relationship is not wifey material as far as I am concerned. I have been that "guy friend" that women all wanna convince their new boo they should be ok with. As that guy friend, let me assure you that you should NOT be ok with that guy. That's usually the back up guy, the forever FWB, or the guy they have been in love with since forever. Again, those are just my experiences so keep that in mind. YMMV

One thing that always stood out to me in life when it comes to relationships was a simple piece of advice I picked up years ago. "Love cannot change the nature of a person." I don't remember where I heard it but it's always something to keep in mind when you meet people. She says she loves you and she might be telling the truth, but that doesn't change who she is. And she seems to be the type of girl that will lie to you and keep other men around behind your back. She even tells this dude all your shortcomings and about all your fights. Nah, I'd be out of that situation.


----------



## davjo

I can't imagine my life without social media anymore


----------



## frenchpaddy

I use facebook a lot , I have a few groups that I run I even have two groups that I just use to keep information like sites good address for parts ect ,

I run a group with 5k members and don't mind banning members if they try any spam or other things like smart gibes at others 

I let my pc on in the office and Facebook can be open for days in a run on one window as I keep many windows open at a time thinking I will get back to it later 

facebook is what you make of it , having a name that many think is a woman's i get a lot of people wanting be my friend lol 
but I have got men sending me messages with nothing just their photo , some just **** pics THE odd time i tag the guy on his timeline and Tag him for his **** pic strange they then block me lol, 
I would love to be able to post their pic to their timeline but that would end up with me getting a ban of blocked 

now I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW why do men send women they don't know a **** pic 
I would be very suprised if it works for a woman , it never has for my wife as she has the same chance of seening the same pic , but just thinking it must work for them the odd time 

you also get a lot of men with false profiles as women , 
but then again even on TAM some of the posters of topics could be men acting to be women , 
we did have a guy when I JOINED FIRST posted a topic about beecheated on and in the end he came out and said he wanted to test if we would give the same response to a woman as a man for the same problem


----------



## RebuildingMe

I gave her a second chance, she screwed me over again, this time talking and texting and deleting with her ex bf (right before me). I gave her the boot and ended this two year LTR. Amazing as she closes in on 51 and her options (whether on not she knows it) are dwindling.


----------



## Openminded

Sorry to hear that she wasn’t worthy of another chance but sadly not surprised. Her issues can’t be fixed. Hopefully this time when she shows up to “talk” you don’t open the door.


----------



## Enigma32

RebuildingMe said:


> I gave her a second chance, she screwed me over again, this time talking and texting and deleting with her ex bf (right before me). I gave her the boot and ended this two year LTR. *Amazing as she closes in on 51 and her options (whether on not she knows it) are dwindling.*


Yeah, I don't blame you, man. She won't see things the way you do. To her, you will just be yet another jealous, insecure, controlling ex boyfriend. That's what she will tell herself and others about you. She will keep up her poor behavior with the next guy she meets.


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## Livvie

How did you discover it?


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## minimalME

RebuildingMe said:


> Amazing as she closes in on 51 and her options (whether on not she knows it) are dwindling.


So you're angry about something? Because this is a low, nasty thing to say about someone _you_ just broke up with.

You're kind of surprised that she didn't behave herself better, because she's old and no one else will want her?


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## LisaDiane

minimalME said:


> So you're angry about something? Because this is a low, nasty thing to say about someone _you_ just broke up with.
> 
> You're kind of surprised that she didn't behave herself better, because she's old and no one else will want her?


I don't think he meant it that way at all, his posting style is just more clipped than others.

I think he meant that he was surprised that at her age, and with what she claimed she wanted (a mature, loving, exclusive relationship), that she would act like an Instagram woman in her early 20s, who has tons of time to cycle through all the men dying to get in her pants.

At her age, her options are limited for a decent man for a lasting relationship because most men from her age and older are married or staying single by choice. When we (women AND men) are younger, that's not true at all. I'm sure @RebuildingMe sees himself the same way - with limited options considering what he wants in a partner - which is why he gave her multiple chances to choose their relationship over her silly needs for attention.

As a woman who is her age, I have to agree with him that her actions don't mesh with what she SAYS she wants. I would think by this age, she would understand how superficial and fleeting attention like that is...and how worthless.


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## minimalME

@LisaDiane, you're explanation is reasonable, but he's pretty much spent their entire relationship complaining about her. 

I don't know either of them at all, but I've never once gotten the impression that he ever genuinely valued her or thought of her as someone special.


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## RebuildingMe

minimalME said:


> So you're angry about something? Because this is a low, nasty thing to say about someone _you_ just broke up with.
> 
> You're kind of surprised that she didn't behave herself better, because she's old and no one else will want her?


What I meant is that at her age, options are fewer, she had a good thing and tossed it away because of something stupid like giving up the exs.


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## RebuildingMe

minimalME said:


> @LisaDiane, you're explanation is reasonable, but he's pretty much spent their entire relationship complaining about her.
> 
> I don't know either of them at all, but I've never once gotten the impression that he ever genuinely valued her or thought of her as someone special.


That’s not entirely true. I showed her a lot of respect, love and attention, but unfortunately, she entered my life at a time of great turmoil. I’m forever grateful for her support and what she put up with the first year of our relationship. Now that I’m entering a new chapter of my life, she apparently likes reliving old ones in hers.


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## LisaDiane

minimalME said:


> @LisaDiane, you're explanation is reasonable, but he's pretty much spent their entire relationship complaining about her.
> 
> I don't know either of them at all, but I've never once gotten the impression that he ever genuinely valued her or thought of her as someone special.


I think he tends to be one of those guys who only posts when he has something to complain about...Lol!!


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## LisaDiane

RebuildingMe said:


> That’s not entirely true. I showed her a lot of respect, love and attention, but unfortunately, she entered my life at a time of great turmoil. I’m forever grateful for her support and what she put up with the first year of our relationship. Now that I’m entering a new chapter of my life, she apparently likes reliving old ones in hers.


It's surprising to me that she would throw it all away after things had smoothed out for you both and you seemed to really enjoy spending time together. Maybe she is someone who enjoys drama and intense situations, and who is bored when things are calm and stable.


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## Affaircare

You know, people are funny. They'll * say * they want a mature, loving, exclusive relationship, but when they get what they want, they get bored and bring in crisis or drama. In real life, if someone wants a mature, loving, exclusive relationship ... they also have to be mature, and they also have to be loving, and they also have to be exclusive, and they also have to relate!!!

I suspect what she meant when she said she wanted a mature, loving, exclusive relationship ...was that she wanted a partner who was mature, loving and exclusive but don't hold her to that standard.


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## Openminded

Whenever she tells you how much she loves you, the thing to remember (when she comes back again as she always does) is that this guy obviously means enough to her so she doesn’t want to lose him. After three or so times of this, and for whatever reason she has, she isn’t likely to completely let him go. That leaves you continuing in second place — as you’ve been all along. If you don’t want that, you know how to fix it.


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## RandomDude

I was going to say FB is just another way to msg people like whatsapp, standard SMS is quite lame.

But it looks like this developed poorly. That's at least two breaches of trust with her texting her ex. Sorry bro.


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## Not

Have you heard from her Rebuilding?


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## Chuck71

OP........ she has shown you whom she really is....THREE times..... now do you believe her?


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## RebuildingMe

Not said:


> Have you heard from her Rebuilding?


Of course I have. Haven’t seen her. Just a few how are you doing and how was the kids first day of school type stuff. She stays friendly with everyone.


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## RebuildingMe

Chuck71 said:


> OP........ she has shown you whom she really is....THREE times..... now do you believe her?


Three strikes and you’re out….isn’t that the rules?


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## Openminded

Yes, those are the rules and along with that goes blocking. Otherwise you run the risk, with the passing of time, of letting her back in. It’s always worked for her before so she probably thinks it will this time too. And if she’s not blocked — who knows.


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