# Why are you here and what do you expect.



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

I reread my thread about my story.

This is the question I was asked most, "why am I telling my story and what do I expect in return ?"

I'd like to add to that ;

What you get from reading other people's stories ? 

Why do you reply to others posts ? to help, to vent yourself, share the pain, feel sorry for the other, bash the cheaters,.....


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Observe and learn and if possible help


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I initially came here looking for answers. My estranged husband completely blindsided me when he moved out in 2008. I was crushed! Although I suspected he was cheating, he denied it for more than two years. There weren't many forum members then, but those that were here helped a great deal with perspective. Up until this nightmare, I knew absolutely nothing about a cheating spouse.

Obviously I'm now hanging around because I'm a moderator. Besides that I like to offer encouragement to others.....and hopefully offer perspective to others. Sometimes a situation looks a whole lot different through the eyes of a seasoned marriage disaster "veteran".


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

I was feeling soooo crazy I thought I was losing it. I needed to know if what I was feeling was pathological. This forum has helped me see that all my feelings and reactions to this awful experience were text book, and that helped reduce my stress. I am so grateful for the advice and solace I have received from TAM members. Thank you all!


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I think I came for support you just don't know what to do, it was so nice to be able to know you weren't alone and that there were solutions......
By reading other stories you could educate yourself and also learn what you might expect.......
I think having a forum like this is good we can all help each other through a very difficult time, we don't know each other and sometimes it's easier to just talk to someone not attached emotionally in any way, we can be totally open .......we can express our emotions without judgement.......
I try to support newcomers when I am around and maybe my experience will help someone going through the same thing I did.....


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

I came here for support. I thought I was going crazy. I needed to know that there are other people dealing with the same hurt and pain that I am. As much as my STBXH would like to convince me that I am crazy, I am making up his cheating, I am looking for ghosts, I knew I wasn't crazy but I realized after finding this forum that most all of my thoughts and emotions are normal for someone that has been betrayed and lied to. This forum helped me to know that my gut feeling was spot on. I read many post where people described the excuses they had been given by their cheating spouses. It was amazing how my H gave the same exact statements. It's almost like cheaters and liars have a handbook of excuses to read out of and they all use the same ones. 
My attorney also told me that out of all the years he has been in law that when a client has a gut feeling of a cheating spouse that they are almost always right.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

To keep me from cracking up.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

After I found some option to my sh!t storm, and made a plan and worked the plan, I came back to help other avoid the same mistakes I made.

Bottom line, infidelity has a script, and its nice to know what your up against.


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## str8insane (Jan 30, 2012)

Hands down i came here for help with my cheating husband to try and get help for myself also..i needed support to know i am not alone.as how to deal with all the pain..i needed to try some how to figure why he did this to us.was it something i did.but i will tell you this what i have found on this site is some wonderful souls with loving hearts.who i can talk to and relate too.knowing i'm not alone..


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

i came here after i found out..looking for advice on what the normal reaction is when one finds out they were cheated on and what happens when R is what is chosen.and to tell my story to people who dont know me.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Several years ago I realized our marriage while still good was getting stagnant. I knew that it takes hard work and dedication to have a good marriage so I began researching and learning way to keep my marriage healthy and vibrant. I've read many books and perused many web sites in my quest for knowledge. One of the sites I went to was a blog written by Athol Kay called Married Man's Sex Life. I learned about Talk About Marriage from him and came here to see what real people were saying hoping to continue to learn and grow. I lurked for quite a while and eventually realized that there weren't many people posting who had reconciled after an affair and even fewer who had stayed together as long as my wife and I. So I decided to register and begin posting to give my perspective and try to help those that needed help.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Dunno I lurked mostly around loveshack but stopped after reading the OM/OW support thread which made my blood boil, how those people sleep at night is beyond me. I lurked around here too until I read a thread about this one woman who cheated on her husband with her best friend and was wondering if she could be _"fwends"_ with him after he forgave her......


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

I came here to vent and get views/ ideas from others.
Now, I am here to help others by whatever little I could do.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

I came here for help and I got it. Now when I see a story close to my circumstances, I share with what has worked for me.

Also, I must admit to having some consolation from certain horror scenarios one sees here. Just when you think your family life is fooed up, you get to read some absolutely outlandish stuff and think "man I have it easy".


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

This place is what I found when I had no where to turn.

I was being led to believe my mind was going bad. I was lost, confused and scared. 

It wasn't and I'm not anymore.

I hope I'm paying it forward.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I came here to prevent cheating, actually...at the time, almost a year ago, my husband (who was my fiance at the time) was trying to court what he called a friendship, with a woman from his past. She wasn't reciprocating at all, so I would often wonder why he was even bothering, especially since it was not OK with me.

I thought I was crazy too, for not wanting him to chase this friendship; I felt jealous, insecure, and sick to my stomach all the time. I felt unreasonable. How could I stand in the way of his friendship with this woman? Who was I to even try to do so? Over the course of a few days, I backed down, figuring I had no choice. But then I read all about emotional affairs, and how easy it was to slip into one, especially with a former lover. So I went back and told my fiance the truth, that I didn't want this woman in his life and I told him why.

Since then, we've had quite a few other problems, and this board has been very helpful in aiding me to see when I have cause for concern (or sometimes not!).

I stick around and post to offer my opinion, to try and help, and of course, to vent. I see a lot of sad stories. And things that make me furious, too...I've learned to keep it light, and not to take things I read about home or to project them onto my husband or our relationship.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Complexity said:


> how those people sleep at night is beyond me.


Ambien.

Me and my AP were popping ambien like they were tic tacs and she was throwing in the occasional xanex for good measure. 

I came here because I couldn't reconcile that I love my wife and knew I wanted to be married to her but I couldn't vacate the OW from my mind - I just couldn't make her leave. I had gotten myself into a mental/emotional circle and I was just going round and round. I needed to help to find the exit and put myself back together. I didn't want to express what I was going through to my wife for the obvious reasons - I knew who I loved and what I wanted and I saw no reason to hurt or confuse her. So I found TAM. With the help of the folks here I got off that hamster wheel and learned quite a lot about myself.

I stay for three reasons. First I think (hope) it helps some betrayed spouses to get a first hand account of what it's like to be on the cheating side of the coin. Hopefully it helps them better understand and deal with their cheating spouse. Second, I desperately try to get other cheaters or people contemplating cheating to see the pain and prices that I paid and change their behavior. And finally I stay because I continue to get something out of it. I still learn about myself and my marriage by interacting with people here.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

I came to this site back in 2010 (if I can remember) because I was having thoughts about my marriage.

I was thinking how could my wife stay with me, why would she stay with me and would I have stayed.

We have a good marriage and 3 great (albeit spoiled rotten) kids but I have always had that in the back of my mind.

This site has helped me in understanding how much I have hurt my wife because I can never truly understand how much pain I have caused her.

I stay because I hope I can help others by giving the other side of the story.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I came here because I didn't like the "just friends" relationship that my boyfriend was having and it was reminiscent of the inappropriate behavior that my exH carried on and seemed to encourage with women.

I feel that I have gained a template in how to manage these extra curricular relationships pre EA/ EA or PA.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I first came here looking for help to cope with the devastation and pain I felt after d-day. Now I stay to help others with their own experiences with infidelity. I really needed the support in those early days and now over a year later I'm in a position to offer support to those who need it.

I still find comfort in dealing with my H's betrayal by reading the stories and trying to help others. I often wonder if this is what an infidelity support group would feel like if I attended one in person. MC and TAM is enough for me.


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

I came here because I needed to find other people who had been throught the same thing, to find out if there was hope and to find out if what I was feeling was normal (I was so close to the edge it was scarey). 
While I have a great family my dad has terminal cancer so I could nt talk to my folks and while I have a great net work of friends who support me I knew that their opinions could sway me and I needed to be able to come to my own decisions.


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## code7600 (Mar 20, 2011)

I'm here to keep me on the straight and narrow. I'm in 2nd marriage,
1st ended with XW had an EA/PA with co-worker. They later
married and stayed together. Yet, to my shame, I also had
an EA with co-worker during 2nd marriage. Wife forgave (not forgetting) so I get reminders here of the pain of infidelity.
And swear never to do it again. I've been on both sides, yet
don't have great advice for anyone.
I really don't take it as schadenfreude, there is *nothing* to
get happy about.


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## zanzan (Mar 24, 2012)

For me I am not looking for a solution. I know that I am staying with my wife regardless of her childish behavior and indiscretion. I am here to learn how to cope with this anger that is deep inside of me that I fear of coming out one day. 

I have learned over the years to bury my anger but I have never experienced so much pain. I hope reading enough posts here about other people's experiences will help me learn to cope with this disaster that struck me.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I came here because I was embarrassed to tell anyone I knew personally that my wife was cheating on me for a second time in our marriage.

Here I have found myself a slew of new friends who are decent, kindhearted and who for the most part share the same values, beliefes and personal ethics as me. Its good to know that in this godless, upside down world we live in there is a place like TAM where hurting people can find solace.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I came here after 6 months of bulls*it from my man. Knew it to be so but getting nowhere. All 'circumstantial'. Loved him too much and so wanted to believe. I googled 'how to tell if someone is lying'. Found myself on another site with some brilliant articles on cheating and how to get over it and move on. It reaffirmed my thoughts and feelings on how we shld be progressing, he just wanted to sweep under the carpet, I could not. He still did not change. As long as he showed ne love, he didn't need to discuss! Then I had a look at the forum. The regulars were bitter and twisted. Someone on there posted a link to here, I found this place and it was a 100 times better. 

I have become safe in my thoughts and feelings, solid in them, no longer on the whirlwind merry-go-round...god that was hell! I feel at a point now where I can sort my life out once and for all. This place has been a god send for me...even though I didn't get as many opinions as I would have liked when I have posted. The ones I got though were invaluable. Thankyou. 

Oh...and to read other peoples problems...helps to know there is someone worse off hehe ...I mean that in the nicest possible way. And to read others' going through the same crap, kinda comforting, especially when u meet your twin in a parallel universe. And giving advice is so much easier. So easy to see and so clear when it is someone else's situation.

Oh...and I got to learn the cheaters handbook. It is so funny now when he comes out with his s*it. I feel I am in control of my 'relationship' now, I think he does too  and we are at the end of the road, and my love is just about gone. More fool him!


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Oh...and when I say more fool him, it is not just in the obvious. He came back to mine in November with a tattoo of my name on his arm. Blocky font, no delicate writing. I hope his nxt gf has the same name otherwise he will look like a complete tit! Good job I ain't called Serendipity! X


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Remains said:


> Oh...and when I say more fool him, it is not just in the obvious. He came back to mine in November with a tattoo of my name on his arm. Blocky font, no delicate writing. I hope his nxt gf has the same name otherwise he will look like a complete tit! Good job I ain't called Serendipity! X


Or Karma Bus!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I finally found TAM a year and a half after Dday#1 - I had been on Loveshack and SI, plus another board made up entirely of women who had hung around together online for about ten years. I just didn't feel as though I belonged to any of those groups. I was trying to deal with what he did and kept hitting stone walls in my own mind.

Since I've been here things are much better with me and I love to let people know that reconciliation IS possible.

Plus I need SOMEthing to do at work when I don't feel like working


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I come here for comfort and support and I usually find it. I don't have other people I can share this with and that makes me feel really lonely. Some of the roughest times I got through by coming here, getting advice but also in giving it. I hope that in some small way I've given back because without all of the people who have given me support here I'd be a lot worse off. There will always be some people who bash but that's only a rare few.


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