# Your thoughts on sexual experience...



## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

**I’m not sure where this should be posted, so mods if you feel like it should be somewhere else, please move. **

Ok, weird question, but it’s been bothering me for some while now. Chances are pretty good that my wife and I will be filing soon for divorce, and the thought of me venturing out on my own has me pretty nervous, for a number of reasons. On a sexual level, I’m concerned about my experience and how it will be perceived on the “open market”. 

My wife was my first long time relationship, we’ve been together for 7 years, and also my first sexual partner. I’m 29 now, and I haven’t had intimate relations with anyone else. Due to some issues (I’m not sure why really…) but my wife has never had the interest in cuming… she’s never orgasm, not due to my lack of effort however. When she lets me, I love to use my fingers or go down on her, but she just doesn’t like it (up until recently, she wouldn’t even let me go down as she thought it was gross). I know of a little trauma that she experienced when she was younger, however I think it’s much bigger than she let’s on. 

Anyway, I just feel inadequate. Like for whatever reason, I’ve never been able to help her get there. And this damages my psyche. I feel like less of a man because of it. 

Anyway, I guess more for the ladies, the question is, based on my history, how would you view someone like me as a potential suitor? Is my history something you see as a potential issue? Would you tend to want to be with someone with more experience? What are your thoughts?


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

my exSO was totally inexperienced. I loved it.  He was a sexual blank slate and it was fun showing him the ins and outs of great sex ..pun intended

i wouldn't stress.If you find a nice woman she won't care about your lack of experience and will work with you.


----------



## hubbyfetish (Oct 2, 2012)

to share my two cents coming from a guy...I would not worry about it. There will be some women that love it and there might be others that it is not for them.

You just need to find the right person....just be willing to listen to her and what makes her satisfied. I am sure that is more important then if you were more experienced.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Just tell em that you're still trainable!


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Hey, they really don't need to know. But it wouldn't matter. I would suggest when you do feel like becoming intimate, lots of foreplay and the next woman will be putty in your hands. 

I think your STBXWs trauma is also bigger than she let on. I truly feel for women who can't O - I don't expect it always but I expect that I do have them with my partner most of the time!

I think you'll be pleasantly surprised - don't rush it, date around some, when you are with the right person and aroused, let it happen. The first big O your sexual partner has will alleviate all of that! Also, remember our orgasms are our own responsibility, too. We know what works for us and should share that with our lovers. I'm sorry your sex life wasn't all it could be.


----------



## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

i appreciate the responses... i guess how i equate this is like this:

if i was given a hj, and i had never come before, it's not like it wouldn't happen. whether i know about it or not, it's coming, as long as someone giving me the HJ knows how to do it. 

I don't see how this is any different... shouldn't it just happen, whether she wants it or not... or more importantly, doesn't know what to expect. i don't think she's mentally stopping it, cause she isn't really aware. this is why it bothers me... I should be able to get her there regardless... right?


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

i had to teach myself how to orgasm before anyone else was able to give me one.


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

"if i was given a hj, and i had never come before, it's not like it wouldn't happen. whether i know about it or not, it's coming, as long as someone giving me the HJ knows how to do it. 

I don't see how this is any different... shouldn't it just happen, whether she wants it or not... or more importantly, doesn't know what to expect. i don't think she's mentally stopping it, cause she isn't really aware. this is why it bothers me... I should be able to get her there regardless... right?"



No, it's different for women. Much more psychological. 

I wouldn't worry that it's your technique, especially since you sound like you're willing to try different things to get her to O. Women tend to know what works for themselves and will guide you to what you need to do, anyway. We're used to making sure we get the right kind of stimulation, because our equipment is much more complicated! And while I've never been with a woman, I'm going to guess we're all different, and any skills you gained with your wife might not have worked on another woman anyway. All we really need is an attentive and willing partner.


----------



## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

well, attentive and willing i can be 

wish i could just put this out of my mind then, but it still bothers me. it's like i'm on a conquest to achieve ultimate victory, and have failed thousands of times... 

i know it sounds dumb, but you know... it's important to me


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

mattyjman said:


> i appreciate the responses... i guess how i equate this is like this:
> 
> if i was given a hj, and i had never come before, it's not like it wouldn't happen. whether i know about it or not, it's coming, as long as someone giving me the HJ knows how to do it.
> 
> I don't see how this is any different... shouldn't it just happen, whether she wants it or not... or more importantly, doesn't know what to expect. i don't think she's mentally stopping it, cause she isn't really aware. this is why it bothers me... I should be able to get her there regardless... right?


No, you shouldn't. Orgasms are VERY mental for a woman. It is not just a physical reaction as it is for many men, although even men can have psychological blocks to orgasm. 

So it is NOT your performance. She was abused, maybe more than she admits and has put up a mental roadblock to pleasure. Maybe she thinks she doesn't deserve it, thinks of it as a 'dirty' act because the abusive act wasn't one of love... she will continue to have these issues with ANY male without counseling.

So yes, she CAN mentally stop it - not intentionally but she can. And woman can on purpose, too. If I wanted to (tho why, I don't know) I could turn my attention to work, my to-do list... almost anything and "shut down" that part of my body from being responsive.


----------



## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

^
she's mentally stopped it a few times that I'm aware of... she's complained about needing to "pee" a few times, but i encouraged her to keep going, but i know she shut it down...

the last time, she just shut down completely, so i stopped at her bidding, and she started to tear up... said she didn't know why and wasn't unhappy or anything, just that "it's a lot of pressure" (not referring to me pressuring her, just what was happening - she was loving it... )... I think she's scared for some reason, and don't know why...


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I think I'm a woman as I age my orgasms are mental ...if my wife dosn't seem into it then I rather masterbate. because I not going to orgasm anyway.


----------



## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

any other opinions from the gallery. or are the responses above going to be pretty typical? 

anyone feel opposite from the others here? why?


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Actually, I would welcome someone who is "inexperienced" after what I've been through. It would tell me you were a faithful and loyal spouse. There are many attributes I would hold in much higher regard than your experience level. This is one of those situations where heavy experience isn't a good thing--unless you are wanting to be popular on the hook up circuit.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

You sounds like a real gem, a good find for some lucky woman. Try not to worry about your feelings of inexperience, it is your eagerness to be a giving lover that is far more important and you sound like you have that in abundance.


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Ok, I’ll be a naysayer yet even have to disclaim it a bit because I’m somewhat in the same boat... Let’s face it. Like me, your sexual experience is what it is. So, the ‘good/bad’ aspects and emotional triggers have been defined by your soon-to-be-ex. Essentially, you have no baseline to judge yourself on whether you are good or not or even what is good sex or not when you get it. Hell, you might even think if a woman acts ‘enthusiastic’, you’re a sex god.... Or, you could also be screwed up in a way that you feel “off” if there isn’t some guilt and shame (since that’s how I learned sex was supposed to be). 

What I’m basically saying is be a little self-conscious about it as far as accepting you aren’t experienced. Everyone drags some baggage into a relationship. Other people also have other damages too. We are a compilation of our own experiences and ideas. Since you lack it in this area, just go with the flow and don’t immediately make decisions about how you did or didn’t do. And lol... practice, practice until it feels just right...


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Experience does NOT = GOOD! My first husband had plenty of experience but thought that every woman should work the same way and refused to adjust to what I enjoyed. Bleh! Who wants that??


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Virgin when I married, wife wasn't. I learnt very quickly and before long I was the adventurous one in the partnership.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

mattyjman said:


> shouldn't it just happen, whether she wants it or not... or more importantly, doesn't know what to expect. i don't think she's mentally stopping it, cause she isn't really aware. this is why it bothers me... I should be able to get her there regardless... right?


If she were sexually abused as a child or sexually assaulted after puberty, no it shouldn't necessarily just happen. Abuse/assault affect a woman very strongly, more so than you or I as non-abused men would logically conclude. Think of Pavlov's dogs, where the bell gets associated in their brains with food and so the dog salivates. Your wife associates sex or nudity or perhaps the male body (or a song or a food etc etc) with something very unpleasant. Maybe it was physically violent, maybe it was emotionally traumatic. Maybe she was ridiculed or ostracized for it.

In any case, her brain is not wired that if this area of skin is stimulated it means a fun pleasant experience is happening. Your brain (and mine) is wired that when certain places are touched it is sexual, which means orgasm is going to happen. Don't assume she has any of these same kinds of thoughts or associations.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I wouldn't exactly fret about it yet, Matty! In time, you will find yourself a loving, most-deserving woman who will be absolutely crazy about you for all that you are!


----------



## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Matty,

I can truly imagine how this has been nagging at you but please stop worrying about what happened with your wife because you are moving on from her. It is true there are woman that cannot orgasm for various reasons (physical and emotional) but it is not the norm. 

The older I get the older I get the more introspective I am becoming about sexuality. I think being a part of this board has helped me to come to some conclusions about my own experiences sexually. Some of it has been positive and some negative. Much of it has been a great source of frustration. I do think that I finally realize how powerful human sexuality is. I think we are far to casual about it in some ways and you will note by many of the posts on this site that too many cannot talk about the issues of sexuality that impede or are destroying their relationships.

All that being said if I was in your shoes and I was going out into the dating world again I would not even consider having sex with someone until I knew her intimately on an emotional level. The level of trust would have to be so deep that you knew you could share your concerns before you moved to that step. I think the honesty and vulnerability would go a long way with the right person and if someone was turned off by your approach you will know it was not right and saved yourself some pain.


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

My first GF never had an orgasm. I thought I was just lousy in bed. My wife O's every time. Don't be discouraged.


----------



## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

My VERY EXPERIENCED friend *deflowered* a 28 y/o guy (super-obsessed with his career---very awkward around girls)

They dated for a long time too...and_ he eventually broke up with her_ (she is kinda crazy...but she's very pretty)

But my point is, don't worry about your level of experience, they're are people WAY LESS EXPERIENCED THAN YOU...and they have no trouble finding love...it will not be a barrier for you

Moreover, even if you had practice pleasing your wife, every woman is different, just relax and communicate with your new partner...a calm, confident vibe will get you far in bed...also, humor's always good at diffusing tension

And honestly, women care a lot more about you just _"Being Normal" _, Stand-up guy...(also, a good stable job counts *FOR A LOT*...remember...women don't use the same measuring stick men use...they look for providers...not sex gods...that's genetically hardwired)

Just date lots of women...it's a numbers game...dating invariably has its awkward moments (which is why nobody likes to do it!!)...but that's life..._just accept it as an inevitable part of the process_...*and laugh at yourself when an "embarrassing" moment arises* (rather than berate yourself)...try to enjoy the process

And make sure you* learn from your mistakes* and pick a "good one"...we all have a tendency to be drawn to a "type"...BE CAREFUL....if anything, actively try to date a woman who is VERY DIFFERENT from your Ex...even if you don't feel that magnetic pull to do so....it could be illuminating for you

I feel I write such harsh replies to your threads...but the truth is, I will be *SUPREMELY *happy if a year from now you come on here and say that you've found a great woman and that you're glad you took the risk to put yourself out there

I'm rooting for your happy ending, and I *totally* think it's possible (as long as you don't sabotage yourself) 

Have Fun :smthumbup:


----------



## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

thanks for the thoughts everyone... 

i feel much better on this now. I think the point to hammer home is that I'm willing to learn, and eager and excited to try. Given my current situation, if there wasn't so much resistance from my wife, I would be a lot more open sexually, and interested in trying many things. It's not my fault that she has an issue with it. 

Put me with a girl that knows her body, and I'll get her to orgasm no problem, as long as she communicates (verbally, non-verbally) what she likes... 

I'll be a o k. 


I think part of my concern doesn't come from the "finding the one to settle down with" but more of the dating game where sex has become almost as casual as a high five to a stranger. I know I'll find someone I can truly love and receive love from... it's the game that I'm not really looking forward to. It's the unknown that I've always been a bit uncomfortable with...


----------



## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> I wouldn't exactly fret about it yet, Matty! In time, you will find yourself a loving, most-deserving woman who will be absolutely crazy about you for all that you are!


100% agree.








_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Just remember that *all women are different*.

Some like to be gone down on (I know I do  ), and some don't...which I will never understand.

Some climax, some don't.

Don't let your limited sexual experience with ONE woman, scare you from other women. Just go with what you know and learn from there!


----------



## Son of Kong (Jul 12, 2012)

I think one of the best things about any *new* relationship (been a long time so I am going by memory)is the unknown figuring out her signals what works and what doesn't as she is doing the same with you. No one says you have to be Don Juan right out of the gate pay attention, take your time nature and instinct will work it all out. Besides it's not like you are a teenager many women now seem to be very liberated in the bedroom and once skin touches skin she will help you figure it out.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Look, just because your wife never came doesn't mean all women you encounter in the future are not going to.

It's not the same for a woman--we don't always get off (ok, some of us do) but not all women do. 

So... just roll with it. 

You will meet someone else. You're still young.

Happy future sexing!


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

southern wife said:


> Some like to be gone down on (I know I do  ), and some don't...*which I will never understand.*


:rofl:

I agree with ya. Lol.


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

southern wife said:


> and some don't...which I will never understand.


i hated oral and didn't orgasm from it til my exSO. I'm addicted now


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

mattyjman said:


> ^
> she's mentally stopped it a few times that I'm aware of... she's complained about needing to "pee" a few times, but i encouraged her to keep going, but i know she shut it down...
> 
> the last time, she just shut down completely, so i stopped at her bidding, and she started to tear up... said she didn't know why and wasn't unhappy or anything, just that "it's a lot of pressure" (not referring to me pressuring her, just what was happening - she was loving it... )... I think she's scared for some reason, and don't know why...


Many women are afraid of letting go. With my ex, he was so critical and rude that he would have teased me about it so I never shared any needs, desires, fantasies... nothing.

She may be afraid it's weakness on her part of succumb to her desires. She may be afraid it's a weakness. Or she may have flashbacks of whatever happened to her. She may have guilt thinking this is an act that isn't allowed to feel good. 

She may view it as a loving act but may not feel she is deserving of love and therefore pulls herself from the brink.

The tears may be tears of confusion - she wants to allow herself to release her inhibitions but feels she is letting you down by not and the cycle puts pressure on her until she's overwhelmed.

There are a million reasons she's shutting it down and my guess is it's definitely psychological. Finding a therapist for her who you can also talk to is a good idea. If she can get to the root of the problem and you can be supportive in her recovery your bond will be incredibly strong.

Does she masturbate? Is she willing to participate in mutual masturbation? I'm guessing she does not...


----------



## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

^ she doesn't ... 

always thought that was gross, she said. 

however, a few weeks ago, since we are separated, we had our first go at phone sex... a little weird for me, probably very weird for her. but she did touch her self, and i told her to experiment and find out what she liked... she said it was nice, but i don't think she got crazy horny about it or whatever...


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Why are you having phone sex with someone you are separated from?


----------



## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

^ now that's a long story, that's somewhat been hashed out on here already in some other threads...


----------



## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

mattyjman said:


> I don't see how this is any different... shouldn't it just happen, whether she wants it or not...
> ...this is why it bothers me... I should be able to get her there regardless... right?


No. Not.

As has been pointed out, women are different, and it's much more mental for them.

I had one girlfriend who wouldn't/couldn't - she had some other hangups, and was really shy - and it bothered me at the time, and caused me some trepidation with my next girlfriend. I had to come to realise that it wasn't me, it was her. None of my other girlfriends had this problem. Thankfully!

Rags


----------

