# struggling with unmet needs



## Klm (Dec 12, 2011)

Hello,i'm new here and I could really use some advice. I have been married for 13 years and have 5 children. My wife and I get along really well and I really love her as a person, but during the last 2-3 years I completely lost interest in her sexually. It seems nothing of what I like turns her on, she whines about any position except missionary, she doesn't like that, or that, or that. She is the one who usually initiate sex, and I perform it more as a marital duty than out of interest. And I'm a very sexual man, love to have sex, but...i don't enjoy it with her anymore. I watch a lot of porn and have had brief affairs / one night stands occasionally before. Nothing threatening to my marriage and I tried to put myself together. We run a small business and I recently developed a crush on one of my employees. She's hot and attracts me a lot, but unfortunately she made it clear that she is not interested in me other than friends. She is in a relationship and I try to respect that and recommit to my own marriage but thoughts of her haunt me, and I still can't find pleasure in sleeping with my wife. Any advice? Have we just become sexually incompatible in time or is just the boredom? Again, there are no other major issues in our marriage and she truly is a good person but this sucks.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Advice: tell your wife you cheated on her. 

Go with her to get tested for STDs. Tell her you are dissatisfied sexually and if nothing changes, you want a divorce. Let her decide what she wants to do since she's been operating under the assumption you've had a monogamous relationship.


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## kallywana (Dec 2, 2011)

Are you sure you are still in love in your wife? Have you discuss sexual positions with her. Tell her how dissatisfied about sexual relationship in your marriage. 

But do you have to stoop so low as to asking your employee out. Infidelity is not just justifiable irrespective of who is doing it and with whom you are doing it with. Turn from your evil ways before your sin finds you out. Confess to your wife cos you have defiled your marriage with illicit sexual behaviour


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

*"...had brief affairs / one night stands occasionally before. Nothing threatening to my marriage..."*


Whoa! This is directly threatening to the marriage. You need to tell your wife you have had affairs.


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## Klm (Dec 12, 2011)

I told her about the one night stands , it was long ago. She knows it meant nothing to me and she forgave me, we continued our life together, but the problem is I strongly want to cheat again, and I'm kind of obsessed with this girl and her rejection makes me angry and bitter. It's already an emotional cheating and i'm guilty of thinking of having an affair. it hasn't turned physical because the girl doesn't want. she tells me to go home to my wife that she likes me but as a person and loves another. So if it was up to me I would have cheated 100 times and that is very bad. I don't think I should tell my wife I like this girl, she is not into me anyway so nothing will happen. I would only hurt my wife for nothing. As for my unmet needs I just don't know how to make her understand...donno if there is any way out of this situation


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

geeze louise, is it me or have there been an unusual amount of waywards coming here lately?


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Klm said:


> I told her about the one night stands , it was long ago. She knows it meant nothing to me and she forgave me, we continued our life together, but the problem is I strongly want to cheat again, and I'm kind of obsessed with this girl and her rejection makes me angry and bitter. It's already an emotional cheating and i'm guilty of thinking of having an affair. it hasn't turned physical because the girl doesn't want. she tells me to go home to my wife that she likes me but as a person and loves another. So if it was up to me I would have cheated 100 times and that is very bad. I don't think I should tell my wife I like this girl, she is not into me anyway so nothing will happen. I would only hurt my wife for nothing. As for my unmet needs I just don't know how to make her understand...donno if there is any way out of this situation


What is it exactly you are wanting from your wife? You said she wants sex....it's just that you don't find her attractive anymore?

Don't cheat on her...divorce before that.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

If you have already told her about the ONS you have had and haven't cheated since but feel you are going to again, talk with your wife. Try MC if you think that will maybe help you discuss some of the issues you seem to be having in your sex life. One thing is for sure if you dont tell her she doesnt know and therefore can't work on fixing something she doesnt know is broken in your eyes.


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## Klm (Dec 12, 2011)

Geoffrey, she is still attractive, not like when we first met, but that's normal after having born children and aged more than ten years. It's just that we don't like the same things in bed, she stopped liking things she used to like, now just wants to get laid and get done and that's it. I feel very bored with her sexually. I didn't cheat on her in a long time and those ONS were barely cheating, more like a sexual relief. It's hard for me to divorce we built a life together...but I don't feel fulfilled I wonder does she? I am consider MC yes...
And Geoffrey, I read your story, impressed me. i'm glad it worked out, maybe God did make a miracle, hope she changed. I envy you, we were never that madly in love..


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## SIP (Jul 27, 2011)

Have you ever heard of sexual harassment? This is an employee of yours and you are putting your marriage and small business at risk. Talk to your wife, find out why she prefers sex only one way. Maybe your affairs that she knows about still affect her emotionally. Maybe certain positions are physically uncomfortable for her. But talk to her, she's your wife, the one you promised to love and cherish, not the one you would give up on if she didn't satisfy your sexual needs. If she can't give you an explanation, maybe you could suggest marriage counseling or even a sex therapist.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

square1 said:


> If you have already told her about the ONS you have had and haven't cheated since but feel you are going to again, talk with your wife. Try MC if you think that will maybe help you discuss some of the issues you seem to be having in your sex life. One thing is for sure if you dont tell her she doesnt know and therefore can't work on fixing something she doesnt know is broken in your eyes.




:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Klm said:


> but the problem is I strongly want to cheat again, _and I'm kind of obsessed with this girl and her rejection makes me angry and bitter. _It's already an emotional cheating and i'm guilty of thinking of having an affair. *it hasn't turned physical because the girl doesn't want. she tells me to go home to my wife that she likes me but as a person and loves another*. So if it was up to me I would have cheated 100 times and that is very bad. I don't think I should tell my wife I like this girl, she is not into me anyway so nothing will happen. I would only hurt my wife for nothing. As for my unmet needs I just don't know how to make her understand...donno if there is any way out of this situation


Wow. So you're angry and bitter some chick at work has rejected your married a$$? Really? Keep this up and pray you don't lose your job and get sexual harassment charges slapped against you. Grow up. Someone actively seeking out affairs in the workplace and then continuing to badger on and on after they've been rejected openly has severe issues. Get into counselling. You sound like you need it. 



Klm said:


> I didn't cheat on her in a long time and *those ONS were barely cheating*, more like a sexual relief.


How bout telling your wife that.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Klm said:


> I watch a lot of porn


Here's the problem with watching a lot of porn. It reprograms your mind and the sex with a real woman becomes very desensitized and unfulfilled. The world of porn is a fantasy world. You seem to have forgotten that for a real woman to be aroused to want to have sex, the man has to make her feel loved FIRST. It starts with showing her attention and affection throughout the day, even on the days when the two of you feel no desire for sex.

Your desire for the OW (other woman) is just a symptom of an inner emptiness inside your soul and just like porn, an escape from the reality that you helped to create in your marriage.

My advice to you is to quit the porn and go to couples counseling so you can learn how to reignite the passion back into your marriage and to fill the emptiness inside your soul.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

SIP said:


> Have you ever heard of sexual harassment? This is an employee of yours and you are putting your marriage and small business at risk. Talk to your wife, find out why she prefers sex only one way. Maybe your affairs that she knows about still affect her emotionally. Maybe certain positions are physically uncomfortable for her. But talk to her, she's your wife, the one you promised to love and cherish, not the one you would give up on if she didn't satisfy your sexual needs. If she can't give you an explanation, maybe you could suggest marriage counseling or even a sex therapist.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with this. I feel very sorry for your wife. Stop blaming her for your own issues. 

Take responsibility for your own mistakes/poor judgment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Klm (Dec 12, 2011)

Jellybean, I remind you that I came here for advice and to see how other ppl in my situation fixed this, if they fixed it. I didn;t come here to be slandered and called names. Please mind your language, and I wonder, are you a saint or something? If you can't give advice or share a similar experience, please keep your comments to yourself.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mori, your avatar seems pretty fitting for this thread.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Klm said:


> Jellybean, I remind you that I came here for advice and to see how other ppl in my situation fixed this, if they fixed it. I didn;t come here to be slandered and called names. Please mind your language, and I wonder, are you a saint or something? If you can't give advice or share a similar experience, please keep your comments to yourself.


Oh I can assure you I am FAR from a saint and do not claim to be one.

You wanted advice on a public forum so I told you what my advice in your situation would be.

My intention was not to upset you. I apologize if I offended you.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Klm said:


> Jellybean, I remind you that I came here for advice and to see how other ppl in my situation fixed this, if they fixed it. I didn;t come here to be slandered and called names. Please mind your language, and I wonder, are you a saint or something? If you can't give advice or share a similar experience, please keep your comments to yourself.



She's just calling it like it is...sorry. The truth is you are trying to pass the blame for you actions to your wife...

Look it's simple:

1. No porn
2. No cheating
3. Work on thing with your wife
4. If 1-3 are not achievable...divorce.

If you are looking for people here to validate your actions your in the wrong place.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Klm said:


> Jellybean, I remind you that I came here for advice and to see how other ppl in my situation fixed this, if they fixed it. I didn;t come here to be slandered and called names. Please mind your language, and I wonder, are you a saint or something? If you can't give advice or share a similar experience, please keep your comments to yourself.


You come to a public forum and post what you did. That because they were ONS and "brief affairs" that they aren't cheating.....just "relief". Now you have your panties in a wad because your co-worker doesn't want you, YOU being married and all. When someone calls you out on your BS, you have the gaul to tell her to mind her language? You aren't a damn moderator, just another garden variety cheater who blames everybody but themselves for their crappy behavior. Shocking. 
Oh sorry, I didn't give you a gold star, a glass of warm milk and send you on your way. My bad. 
You didn't come her for advice, you came here for absolution and you won't get any from me.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

I would make sure that your business liability insurance is up to date and paid up....other wise this employee that you are making uncomfortable (hostile work environment - sexual harassment) may end up owning your business.

Don't be stupid!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Klm (Dec 12, 2011)

i'm not looking to validate my actions. I know already it's wrong to want to cheat that's why I'm seeking for a solution. Talk, I have tried, with not too much success. divorce, it's not what I want or I wouldn't even be here in the first place. The problem is the sexual frustration ONLY, and therefore the desire to cheat. so far the best idea I received was a sex therapist, I was already thinking about MC but this should be added as well. didn't mean to snap, it just bothers me when ppl judge instead of offering an advice. We who confess already know we're wrong and we have a problem. The question is not wether we have a problem, the question is can it be fixed? I thank everyone for the input. Any similar experiences from frustrated spouses who overcame this would be appreciated.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes, of course it can be fixed. The question is, are you both willing to fix it? It takes two. And I firmly believe without your wife knowing what else is going on and has gone on in your marriage (Namely, all the times you've cheated on her and your sexual attraction for your co-worker), you can't begin to work on things until she knows what she is dealing with.

Intimacy = honesty.


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## Klm (Dec 12, 2011)

Wow, realbrighteyes, you must be a hell of a person to look for advice from! The only shocking thing here is how slandering and judgemental ppl are. I don't need to be a moderator to demand a respectful reply. 
As for the girl, I did not harass her, just asked her out and let her know I like her. She's a young nice girl and would not seek to report me just bcs I asked her out. Things have not escalated further and the problem is in my mind-that's what I wanted advice for, but looks like i;m in the wrong place. People are too busy throwing the stone, as they are all without sin


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Mori, your avatar seems pretty fitting for this thread.


Actually for ALL the threads, since many of the LS themselves seem to be in a fog of their own.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Get yourself to a IC, you might be triggering on something else...you know bigger issues. Or just small issues and you need some skills to deal with them. In the meantime set up some dates with your right hand AND join a gym to work off the energy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Klm stop being so thin skinned and attacking other forum members. You've been given advice, what are you planning on doing?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Two options:

1) Ask your wife for permission to have sex with someone else. That way it's not cheating!

2) Go to marriage counseling to find out what is actually causing the symptoms you BOTH are experiencing.

Of course, option #1 is for entertainment purposes only. 

You know what you have to do. Go do it!


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Your a married man and her boss:

"As for the girl, I did not harass her, just asked her out and let her know I like her"

This my friend is a sexual harassment, if she felt uncomfortable or later comes to believe she was uncomfortable but didn't want to say anything in fear of her job - you created a hostile working environment. Not all sexual harassment is not all about pinching her ass, coping a feel, or hounding her for a Lil action - In California, the labor commission could nail you for this........YOU CROSSED THE LINE, don't kid yourself. In California, she could, I believe use this against you for up to seven years....believe you me, if you lay her off or come to the need to fire her, you stupid behavior can come back to bite you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

calif_hope said:


> Get yourself to a IC, you might be triggering on something else...you know bigger issues. Or just small issues and you need some skills to deal with them. In the meantime set up some dates with your right hand AND join a gym to work off the energy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


IMO masturbating more isn't going to help your sex life with your wife. In fact i believe too much masturbation can actually hurt it(your sex life that is) mix that in with porn and you are probably bored with your sex life cause of all the things you see in porn that realistically your wife probably won't do. Too much porn/masturbation desensitizes you to the feeling of being with a woman.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Square1, I was being sarcastic!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

calif_hope said:


> Square1, I was being sarcastic!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is exactly why i demand someone make a sarcastic font asap.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

morituri said:


> Actually for ALL the threads, since many of the LS themselves seem to be in a fog of their own.


:smthumbup:


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

The answer seems , realtively, straightforward: Tell your wife about all your past cheating(maybe you hve-not sure) and tell her you are in the process of trying to from as realtionship with your young, attached employee.
Then, allow your wife to make a decision as to whether she wants to remain in the marriage and work on meeting your needs.
Can you think of any other honest alternative?


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## Stilltrying1 (Dec 6, 2011)

A few thoughts. 

First, I am not sure your "needs" aren't being met as much as it is your desire for something different. It doesn't sound like your wife won't have sex with you. She just won't do it in a way that excites you as much as you want to be excited.

Second, it seems to me that you need to be working harder to woo your wife. Maybe she's reacting to the flirting and attention you've given others and are currently giving to your young employee. 

Third, you may have confessed your previous affairs to your wife, but what did you do in the aftermath to help her recover? You say she forgave you, but I don't recall seeing any mention of MC or what steps you took to repair the damage those "long ago" betrayals caused. It could be that she has not gotten over those episodes and is triggered by your requests for different sexual experiences. It could also be that she's just not that into you anymore, except as a wifely duty. 

I'd suggest both IC for you (and maybe her as well) and MC if she is willing. It's not just about you.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Sit down and talk to your wife. She needs to know what is going through your head... No one is a mind reader.

I would also recommend marriage counseling.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Klm said:


> Geoffrey, she is still attractive, not like when we first met, but that's normal after having born children and aged more than ten years. It's just that we don't like the same things in bed, she stopped liking things she used to like, now just wants to get laid and get done and that's it. I feel very bored with her sexually. I didn't cheat on her in a long time and those ONS were barely cheating, more like a sexual relief. It's hard for me to divorce we built a life together...but I don't feel fulfilled I wonder does she? I am consider MC yes...
> And Geoffrey, I read your story, impressed me. i'm glad it worked out, maybe God did make a miracle, hope she changed. I envy you, we were never that madly in love..


Let me see if I have got this right. You are thinking about continuing to cheat on your wife and indicating that you believe in God. :scratchhead: How do those two things go together?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Kim,

This is not meant as an attack, but hopefully an awakening from someone outside of you on hw you are acting,

1. Your sexual frustration is not an acceptable reason to cheat. You will live another day if you don't get off. You have thing you WANT and the ONS are a choice you have made. It is sex, and I'm sure that if you found your wife in a ONS your opinion, which is entirely self serving and not honest would be completely different.

2. You are selfish. Everything in the post was I,I want, I need... Etc. not one thing about your wife's feelings, dreams, desires, wants.

3. While you say cheating is bad, your entire post in the end is you looking for validation of your contrived justification to chest with this girl at work. You blame it on your wife, you blame it on you needs, and no where do you simply admit that you want to jump this girl, and you intend to cheat on your wife again unless someone can convince you otherwise.

4. Then you attack those who aren't accommodating or polite about you cheating. Perhaps you are used to people around you not calling you out fir bring selfish and being a cheater, but here we are honest about such things.

Btw, if this is the kind of man you are to your wife, it is likely she has just shutdown emotionally and is staying with you because of the kids. You think she forgave the ONSs , more likely she forgave to sleep the marriage, but she doesnt trust you or respect you. Expect there to be a lot of resentment.

Now imagine why she might not be such a great partner in bed. Would you feel passion for a man like you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

morituri said:


> Here's the problem with watching a lot of porn. It reprograms your mind and the sex with a real woman becomes very desensitized and unfulfilled. The world of porn is a fantasy world. You seem to have forgotten that for a real woman to be aroused to want to have sex, the man has to make her feel loved FIRST. It starts with showing her attention and affection throughout the day, even on the days when the two of you feel no desire for sex.
> 
> Your desire for the OW (other woman) is just a symptom of an inner emptiness inside your soul and just like porn, an escape from the reality that you helped to create in your marriage.
> 
> My advice to you is to quit the porn and go to couples counseling so you can learn how to reignite the passion back into your marriage and to fill the emptiness inside your soul.



Yep! 3-4 sentences into his first post I knew he was a porn watcher and then I read him admit it.
OP....you will hurt her and ruin your marriage if you keep trying to get her to be your porn queen. She sounds dead set against it so please stop now. SHOULD...you be ignorant enough to pursue you desires and find a woman to be your sex porn kitten...you will be sorry!!!! Back off your lustful desires,respect your wifes wishes and her guilt towards things she doesn't like,and stop the porn and fantasy. You may have to find spiritual help at some good christain church and get addiction council. Think about something for just a minute OP...would you really want to be married to a porn queen? Really? Any idea of what you then would have to worry about?


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Klm said:


> Jellybean, I remind you that I came here for advice and to see how other ppl in my situation fixed this, if they fixed it.


Unless your wife starts enjoying positions and sexual behaviors that you demand, the only way to fix this is to get a divorce and remain single. Married life isn't for you.

And you can complain about the lack of positions in bed. Most people, men mainly, would be happy just to be having sex with their wives after marriage, children etc.



> I didn;t come here to be slandered and called names.


Ok, you cheat on your wife, think ONS's aren't really cheating, you are disrespecting your wife immensely......but being called a name on an internet forum is just plain wrong?

Sorry, let me cry a river for you.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Well, I was going to add my two cents but now after reading through this thread, all I want to do is----


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