# wife says its all about feelings (LONG)



## cdr146 (Oct 7, 2010)

i'm 30, wife is 27 married just over 3 years, together about 8 years. we dated for 3 years, engaged for two before tying the knot. about 6 months ago my wife told me she did not feel the same about me, she loved me but wasn't in love with me. eventually this evolved into 'i'm not sure i ever was really in-love' with you. 

i was obviously shocked, in fact i thought we were fairly happy. we've had a good marriage, started good careers, purchased our first home, got a puppy, even became pregnant although my wife had a miscarriage later. according to her she hasn't been happy for a long time, even during our marriage but never said anything. from going to counseling it seems she wanted more passion in our marriage, something we both agreed on, we did fall into a bit or a rut with each other which is common no excuses though. problem is now she won't try, she "did try" on her own to light a spark, but i was a little clueless and ignored some obvious cues, but now that she told me she is unwilling to. basically from counseling she has a bit of a 'love conquers all' type mentality. she told me and our counselor she would be willing to work thru infidelity, abuse, anything basically as long as "in-love" was there. i am perfect in every way she says, but the "in-love" is gone or maybe never was there.

i take this as a crazy notion, not crazy because feelings are very important to me too, but i cannot say that to her per our therapist, her feelings are most important. to her now it's all about and always has been about feelings, and if they are gone so be-it. i have a much deeper understanding of love going thru this, its about much more than just a 'feeling', but i dont know how to convey that to her. everyone is telling her to stick with it, because they realize we have a good marriage, our therapist told us in 40 years of doing this we have everything he preaches to couples to look for, but for her it is all about feelings. i cannot get past the notion that she never was "all the way there" with me, although i know and anyone who spent time with us knew she was very much. 

basically i'm looking for any guidance on this, i love my wife dearly and can't stand the thought of losing her. i would love any guidance or suggestions i could use.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Were you sexually ignoring her? Or did she at least FEEL like you were?




cdr146 said:


> i'm 30, wife is 27 married just over 3 years, together about 8 years. we dated for 3 years, engaged for two before tying the knot. about 6 months ago my wife told me she did not feel the same about me, she loved me but wasn't in love with me. eventually this evolved into 'i'm not sure i ever was really in-love' with you.
> 
> i was obviously shocked, in fact i thought we were fairly happy. we've had a good marriage, started good careers, purchased our first home, got a puppy, even became pregnant although my wife had a miscarriage later. according to her she hasn't been happy for a long time, even during our marriage but never said anything. from going to counseling it seems she wanted more passion in our marriage, something we both agreed on, we did fall into a bit or a rut with each other which is common no excuses though. problem is now she won't try, she "did try" on her own to light a spark, but i was a little clueless and ignored some obvious cues, but now that she told me she is unwilling to. basically from counseling she has a bit of a 'love conquers all' type mentality. she told me and our counselor she would be willing to work thru infidelity, abuse, anything basically as long as "in-love" was there. i am perfect in every way she says, but the "in-love" is gone or maybe never was there.
> 
> ...


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Ignore all the romance and spark and "in love" words. They are meaningless in this case.

Your woman is not sexually attracted to you.

So the solution is simple.

You need to do the things to make yourself sexually attractive.

You need to stop doing things to not make yourself sexually attractive.

This thread is a start:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ats-attractive-my-wifes-input.html#post181910

Also this as well. When a woman says the "I love you but not in love with you", or worse "I dont know if I was ever in love" then this usually means there is the affair man around the corner.

Sure, it might not be a physical affair (yet), but be sure, nothing clouds the memory and the mind faster or more complete that just this, there is some man lighting her fire that is not her husband, som affair man.

So be sure, if there is some affair man in the picture, whether at work, on the internet, neighbor, some sympathetic ear or "just friends" man, then WATCH OUT!

For know this, if there is an affiar man, there will be no progress, I repeat, there will be NO PROGRESS forward for you until this other man is out of the picture!


I wish you well.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

True!


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## SarahRenee (Oct 6, 2010)

A lot of people want that "lust" feeling you have when you first start dating. When you first start dating, you can't get enough of the person. You want to talk to them constantly, see them constantly, you wake up thinking about them, and go to bed thinking about them. Marriage isn't like that. Marriage is when you actually start working on loving each other. You start to build a life together, and she has to understand that. Marriage isn't always feeling the in love feelings. It is working through the hard times and making the marriage better. Love is a choice and not a feeling. My parents always told me that, and I never believed it. But, its true. If I left my husband right now and found a new guy, I would have that "new, madly in love" feeling. And, if I marriage him, I'd be in the same place I am in. You have to build on the marriage you have, and if you both work at it and try to live each day trying to make the other persons day better I think you two will eventually grow a lot closer as a couple.


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## cdr146 (Oct 7, 2010)

thanks for the responses, i'm a little torn as what has been described is much of what i have thought. when i say that she may be longing for those initial feelings and it takes work, she immediately goes to the " i'm not sure i was ever in love routine". it's very frustrating, i too have questioned the other man scenario, in fact there is a "friend" i am worried about but have yet to catch a smoking gun although i have my suspicions.


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## cdr146 (Oct 7, 2010)

i also need to expand a bit as i know my wife is attracted to me, when she said she wanted more passion, that meant little things to her like holding her hand in public, or other physical touching that we had both taken for granted. we've both agreed on what was missing in this regard, we both have some issues we need to get over to let that happen but we are past that now. thanks for all the responses, it just makes me more curious.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

cdr146 said:


> thanks for the responses, i'm a little torn as what has been described is much of what i have thought. when i say that she may be longing for those initial feelings and it takes work, she immediately goes to the " i'm not sure i was ever in love routine". it's very frustrating, i too have questioned the other man scenario, in fact there is a "friend" i am worried about but have yet to catch a smoking gun although i have my suspicions.


You may not find a 'smoking gun' but in her re-writing the past "i'm not sure i was ever in love routine" I would be concerned that she may be experiencing an attraction to another man (even if not at all acted upon) which is causing her to question her attraction to you. That butterfly feeling can be very tempting that the grass might be greener on the other side.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

If you have your suspicions, then act on them.

And I mean just this, if you need to come out and say what you feel, then say it.

If you need to instead, subtle but humorous but still direct to the point, make the point known that you are aware that your wife is attractive and you are concerned about this "friend".

Either way, to do nothing is exactly wrong.

Jealousy, communicated directly and even with humor, will both have your woman FEEL you are desiring her, and also let her know you are the good man with the mettle enough to detect shenanigans a mile away, and are most willing and able to put a stop to them if need be.

All good men reading this, understand this thing about jealous, your woman craves your attention and jealousy. Do not hide this under a blanket, but wearing it on your sleeve, next to a flexed bicep if you know what I mean. 

And also this, your woman will react like this to your jealousy in these ways, pay attention to them:

1. If she is flattered, and gives you a sign of affection. This is good, all is well in the world.

2. She is saying don't be jealous, you should trust me and not be insecure etc etc etc. Okay, this is not bad, but know this is a test for you. If you stand confident for your jealousy, to make it clear you are not apologetic in how you express your desires to protect and cherish your woman, then look for her reaction to turn back into number 1.

3. She says you are being controlling etc etc etc, and withdraws or diverts the conversation away from her behavior to something wrong with you. WATCH OUT! This is the sign that her emotional connection is not with you, and likely is connected to some affair man or will be shortly avaible to be connected. In this scenario, then the good man is needing to go into full blown affair control mode (shut down affair, ratchet up respect and sexual attraction using conflict and dominant behavior and actions).

So good men, show your jealousy, and pay attention to how your woman reacts to your jealousy. It is the powerful barometer to see how connected emotionally your woman is to you indeed!


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## cdr146 (Oct 7, 2010)

so after reading your responses here, i paid our phone bill to see that the guy in question has been texting my wife a lot. we had this problem a few months back and she asked him to 'stop', which it did (or decreased). now the last few months as our problems have continued it seems to have escalated back up again. she claims he is just a 'friend' and she doesn't think of him that way at all. i actually believe her but i'm trying to tell her that he has motives if he's texting that much. we're talking hundreds of texts, some late at night when he and my wife's friends are out late. she claims some of the late night texts are her friends just using his phone messing around. point is the texts are late at night, during the day, way over the line i told her, no reason for a guy to be texting a married woman that much. so she told him yesterday again to stop, said it was making me uncomfortable. i need to contact this creep, what do i say to get my point across?


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