# Article on Gaslighting - From a Gaslighter



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I hope this is the correct place to put this. 

I chanced by this article this morning.
I think it's interesting as it's told from the perspective of a Gaslighter. As told by the author. 

The Gaslighter describes in detail the manipulative tactics used, on some very intelligent women.

Anyone can gaslight and be gaslit. It doesn't have to be a spouse/SO doing the deed. It can be a parent, friend, neighbor, co-worker, boss. 

This forum often has stories of many spouses or SOs that are victims of gaslighting, and they don't even know it until it is pointed out by a poster, looking at the situation from an objective viewpoint. 

I was someone who was gaslit in my first marriage and it warped my whole sense of reality. Unfortunately, I had no one to tell me otherwise. Now that I am older and wiser to the behavior, I confront gaslighters without fear and without mercy. Even my own mother has tried and failed on more than one occasion. 

If anyone is unsure of whether they have been or are currently being gaslit, I think this article will help to identify some very telling tactics.

Cheating and manipulation: Confessions of a gaslighter - BBC News

Open to opinions, feedback, or experiences.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

@Satya,
Thank you for this. 

In my husband's recent affair, both he and his affair partner put quite a lot of effort into gaslighting me. (I would prefer to think that this was largely unconscious on both their parts.) But I was well-prepared with stories of a man with a violent temper who terrified his children, was unreasonably jealous, and just generally uncaring and unpleasant by the time her husband rang me to share his knowledge and suspicions. The first words out of my mouth to him were "I trust my husband...". (I cringe in humiliation at my gullibility when I think of that.) But neither of them had banked on him actually finding some slight evidence. Or being so transparent in his pain and bewilderment that my intuition would finally get its voice back. 

In therapy, I have often talked about this hurt I perpetuated against myself - silencing my intuition because it made the rest of me more comfortable not to have to listen. Because I found the lies of another more palatable than the truth from my own heart. Gaslighting works because we allow the locus of trust to shift from within ourselves to an external person or structure. This list of tactics is very, very useful - especially if you're in a place where your perception of reality has been turned upside down. But I also think that the best defense we have against being gaslit, aside from knowing that it exists, is paying very close attention to what my mother calls "that small voice" inside.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Thank you for sharing, @Mizzbak. I know that there were times I seriously questioned my sanity, because my ex was always questioning my actions. I'm not a jealous person by nature, and in fact, I identify with the women the gaslighter described as having qualities of goodness/empathy and agreeableness. Calling these prime qualities of those who will most fall for gaslighting.

So yeah, I definitely felt like a sap, and questioned my views on the world and others after the experience. I'm less trusting now, call people out, etc. Funnily enough, my gaslighter radar has become excellent because of those changes.

Fundamentally, I'm still the same person with the same values.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Dudes a lawyer, 11 relationships that all ended because of infidelity. He's a cliche. This is why in some cases we should bring back stoning.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Satya said:


> *I know that there were times I seriously questioned my sanity, because my ex was always questioning my actions. I'm not a jealous person by nature, and in fact, I identify with the women the gaslighter described as having qualities of goodness/empathy and agreeableness. Calling these prime qualities of those who will most fall for gaslighting.
> *
> So yeah, I definitely felt like a sap, and questioned my views on the world and others after the experience. I'm less trusting now, call people out, etc. Funnily enough, my gaslighter radar has become excellent because of those changes.



I think people who are naturally empathetic are more likely to be willing to try to see a situation from their partner's viewpoint, and to be willing to examine and question their own beliefs and behaviors. If you are the sort of person wo is naturally willing to admit it and apologize when you're wrong, because you can self-examine, then when someone who professes to love you deeply lovingly points out to you that you are wrong, and why, you tend to believe them. 

And there's no need to feel like a sap for having faith in someone you loved and whom you thought loved you. It took me a long time to internalize that. Because I'm also very empathetic and was more than willing to examine my own shortcomings, question my own faults, examine behaviors that could have led me to marry and remain married to someone like my ex-husband. But the real truth is that I did nothing wrong beyond loving someone who turned out to be undeserving. And, like you, I've learned a lot and have developed a much finer sense of trust in myself and lack of tolerance for emotionally abusive behaviors. 

Interestingly, the gaslighters who are most successful at it, typically do it to everyone. So there are likely to be few others around to offer you support, because your gaslighter has already gotten to them. You wouldn't believe how "crazy" and "unbalanced" and "sad, really" my now-ex-husband's "frigid" wife was. Or, at least that's the tale other people got. When we divorced, nearly everyone assumed he was finally leaving me because he could no longer labor under the burden of dealing with my irrational behavior and our sexless marriage. There are still plenty of people who simply don't believe that _I_ divorced _him_, due to his serial cheating. He did such a good job, that they think my near-delusional paranoia and jealousy finally just got the better of me and that I'm just blaming it on him because I'm as crazy as he painted me.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

I know this is a bone yard article but like the OP says I've seen several recent threads by different people where this applies and should be recognized.
There was one person I had to deal with, while helping another, that I always had a recorder handy or would write conversations down to keep it accurate. 
They had the one I was helping questioning their own sanity.
One of the problems when immersed in gaslighting it eventually wears down the victim, as in case of person I was helping, had a difficult time remembering their own accurate accounting of interactions with the gaslighter, for at the time they basically went numb/trance like from the tension of the individuals presence.

The individual I was helping had been under constant attack from multiple sides off and on for years so not a usual case.

Any gaslighter hates being recorded or documented.

When I was helping the individual to gain strength and sanity a gaslighter/bpd person confronted the victim with 2 others in tow to add credence. 
An hour into the frame (yes an hour of on and on prattle) after it not working they changed frame by declaring something completely different than in the beginning. 
Outright lied a few times.
I let it go on for about 15 minutes and called a stop, pointed out the contradictions, story changes and lies, and was told I was the liar. 
I pulled out the recorder, and said lets find out.

I was then called a manipulator and a sorry excuse for a man, for recording the conversation, and by recording I was a control freak. (Gaslighters always try to keep one on the defensive)

Then they completely changed tactics again by crying (literally) and claiming a major health crisis (lie) to get the upper hand and influence they were looking to gain over their target.

The victim listening to the recording several times was able to learn to keep better mental acuity thereafter while also boosting confidence in their own mind as to the reality of events. So it helped them immensely. 

Gas lighting can be seriously draining mentally and physically.

A couple of worth while articles.
https://www.health.com/relationships/how-to-deal-with-gaslighter
https://liveboldandbloom.com/05/emotional-abuse/gaslighting



> If you realize you’re being gaslighted, the first thing you need to recognize is that a gaslighter may not be conscious of the effects of their actions, especially if they have issues with being wrong or out of control. In this case, confronting the gaslighter could work. Michaelis suggests conducting all conversations you have with the gaslighter in a recorded format, like through email or text. Then, when gaslighting occurs, tell the person what they originally said. “If they continue do deny what they said, you can supply the recorded evidence so they have a concrete understanding of what happened,” says Michaelis. This method works best when confronting a friend or partner.


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## Sukisue1234 (Jan 17, 2018)

I have lived with a few of those types and deal with it head on. Its allways a ****storm to confront them. Its total tantrums like a screaming child,,, melt downs and then u pay for outing them, I've seen it, I had a habit of collecting thease types and falling for the pity pot. It's rather enlightening to watch,, and a hell of a way to have to live.glad to be able to sit and watch and know wht it is,, those of you who dnt know will blame the people thease master manipulator s are making life hell on. It's all done to u while no one can see or hear their crap .then when u lose ur **** ur the crazy one. I've had this happen but now I just play their game and confront it thts when u see the meltdown tantrums. But armed with the knowledge of how they work.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I can think of 2 guys I dated in my 20s who were very manipulative. But I guess they wanted to hold on to me. Whenever I would say, there's no pleasing you, I need to move on; both of them when I was ina relationship with either, would scramble, do the word salad and I stayed on longer.

One guy would say "Are you threatening me?" when I do an If/ then statement. This is why I advocate subtle languaging now. Express your distaste once, that's all you need to do. No matter how much or how little you talk, they will always accuse you of "ghosting" them. So who cares?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Sukisue1234 said:


> I have lived with a few of those types and deal with it head on. Its allways a ****storm to confront them. Its total tantrums like a screaming child,,, melt downs and then u pay for outing them, I've seen it, I had a habit of collecting thease types and falling for the pity pot. It's rather enlightening to watch,, and a hell of a way to have to live.glad to be able to sit and watch and know wht it is,, those of you who dnt know will blame the people thease master manipulator s are making life hell on. It's all done to u while no one can see or hear their crap .then when u lose ur **** ur the crazy one. I've had this happen but now I just play their game and confront it thts when u see the meltdown tantrums. But armed with the knowledge of how they work.


I learned that the open honest dialogue method does not work. Whatever you say will be used against you. So it's not worth being reasonable because they won't be.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Mizzbak said:


> @Satya,
> Thank you for this.
> 
> In my husband's recent affair, both he and his affair partner put quite a lot of effort into gaslighting me. (I would prefer to think that this was largely unconscious on both their parts.) But I was well-prepared with stories of a man with a violent temper who terrified his children, was unreasonably jealous, and just generally uncaring and unpleasant by the time her husband rang me to share his knowledge and suspicions. The first words out of my mouth to him were "I trust my husband...". (I cringe in humiliation at my gullibility when I think of that.) But neither of them had banked on him actually finding some slight evidence. Or being so transparent in his pain and bewilderment that my intuition would finally get its voice back.
> ...


To trust others is more highly valued in our society than to be trustworthy. I once told a therapist that I have decided to stop trusting other people. She thought I had sunk so low in behavior that I would NEVER have a happy life. 

She didn't bother to break this down to understand exactly what I meant. another reason I don' trust therapists. For example, I wanted to be the type of person who always goes over invoices, counts change, rereads contracts and just overall, ensure that I have the documentation that I need so that I don't have to trust other people.

It means cross checking information that you receive if you need to use it.

It requires making even friends do things to make you feel safe. Thankfully, I never got to that point, but I bet'cha if I had agreed that Mr. In Between could live with me as he asked for, he probably would have fought tooth and nail to avoid signing an agreement. I learned from listening to one of those property shows on the radio in the UK that a lodger you sleep with has more rights than a lodger you don't sleep with.

Our society already advises us to not trust others with money and confidences. I have several friends who admit that when they round people up to do something, they make sure they don't do any advance payment except for themselves. I think that they are wise not selfish.

The other thing that I learned --the hard way-- is to not trust someone when you want to confirm that you completed something and they say "Oh, you don't need to show me." You're being set up.

It would be interesting to give people a survey. Ask them first how trusting that they feel they are. And then ask specifically what they would do in specific situations. what people do is more important than what people think of themselves.


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