# To all those unhappy married guys or divorced ones...



## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

So I am trying to pick some guys' brains!
1. Have any of you never felt like you have ever loved your wife before? "I don't love you, never have, never will" and is there anything that could save your marriages?
2. What could your wife/ex of done to better your marriage and what do you feel like the main reason is for men wanting divorce? 

THANKS BOYS:smthumbup:


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Talk to me and make me feel like I matter to you......It's that simple.....


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

read the 5 love languages. I know what it is I feel I'm missing, and getting that from her would help a lot I think. But I'm not your husband so my thing isn't necessarily his thing. Anyway, I'm under sexed to the point that I question whether I love her anymore. I also feel undervalued with no compliments, no words of affirmation etc...


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

She could of been a better speller.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

heyheyitschrish said:


> So I am trying to pick some guys' brains!
> 1. Have any of you never felt like you have ever loved your wife before? "I don't love you, never have, never will" and is there anything that could save your marriages?
> 2. What could your wife/ex of done to better your marriage and what do you feel like the main reason is for men wanting divorce?
> 
> THANKS BOYS:smthumbup:


Divorced man here.

1. I never felt like that. There wasn't a time when I didn't love my ex wife, even when we fought and when she cheated on me. As much as I don't like to admit it I still love and miss who she was back then. 

2. The only thing my wife would have done differently was give me the only thing men want from their wives... Respect! She never respected my feelings and when everything wasn't about her she made sure to guilt trip me and try to tear me down. 

I hope that answers your question. I don't know what's going on with your marriage *heyheyitschrish* but the answers you're looking for aren't always apparent. Sometimes healthy relationships die an unnatural death, other times it's just meant to be. You can't always get the closure you're looking for either because not everyone has that level of maturity to tell you why they're unhappy and why they're leaving.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Somewhat unhappily married man here - married around 12 years, together 14

1. I'm at the point where I don't think that I love her. Don't misinterpret this, but I honestly don't think I would care if something happened to her (not to be read as that I want something to happen to her). She complained about something the other day with her body (nothing serious, but it was painful for her), and I didn't care at all (it helped that the kids and I were doing something, so I'm not sure it was totally obvious that I didn't care)

2. Number of things:
a. Quit getting worked up over tiny things- you know it's bad when I like it better when she's not around, even though that means that I have to watch the kids, because that means that the stress level in the house goes from infinity to zero. I also don't want to go on vacation this year because that means that she will stress over everything. 
b. Grow up - maybe I've become a prude since the kids have arrived, but dropping f-bombs is not attractive (to be fair, she's watching this around the kids, but still does it around them occasionally). Also, being proud that you act like a pre-teen is not attractive. 
c. Don't tell me that you're too tired for sex, but you're not too tired to stay up and play your computer games until midnight.


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

Thank you guys! All of this is VERY helpful! I am in a difficult situation, married to a bipolar man but I am asking mostly because I know every woman has flaws, myself included, and I want to make sure I can be the most well-rounded wife possible and see if I can take out those negative qualities in myself. I know perfection is not possible, but I would like to at least be the best "me" as possible! <3


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Denton texas eh? Small world


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

okeydokie said:


> Denton texas eh? Small world


Tell me about it. 




*<======*


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

Wow! Yes very small world!!!


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Nsweet said:


> Tell me about it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I'm closer


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

1. Nope. Even though I've checked out of my marriage I still love her. I just realize that she doesn't reciprocate and I need to love and respect myself before anyone else. This means I need to care about myself. At a certain point I got tired of crying like a little ***** every night because of how lonely I feel.

2. Want me. Give me emotional, intellectual, and physical intimacy. In my case I'm leaving her because I am tired of being neglected and not having my need met. I used to meet, or tried very hard to meet all her needs. I finally got tired of the lack of reciprocity about 6 months ago. I checked out and moved out if the bedroom. I'm incredibly lonely and wish someone could have warned me beforehand. I'll be filing this summer after I graduate nursing school. TBH I never want to get married again, I know it's unfair to lump all women together but I gave her 11 of the best years of my life, I worked hard to make her happy and give her a good life and I have nothing to show for it except a broken heart, bitterness, and lonliness. I don't want to risk having that happen ever again - it's not worth it to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

^

I agree. Prior to marriage things were great. Just feels like marriage but to a larger extent children - changed her in a real negative way.

Wish I could cut ties too. Just can't do it.


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## CaptainLOTO (Nov 6, 2013)

I never thought "I never loved her" but I do sometimes think she was a compromise and never was the best woman I could have married. I got swept up in a very fast relationship from our first kiss to moving in/engaged was 3 months. One month of which I was out of the country. I was rescuing her from a bad situation. (Objectively all this was just dumb.)

In retrospect I wonder if I know what love is... But I never question that I do love her. Just that it's not always "complete love" and that there are probably women out there who could have given me more of what I desired, wanted & needed. What is it that she could do?

#1 Committed, sacrificial support that makes me, the marriage & our family the priority. My wife has always been proud & stubborn (not just with me). When she decides she "doesn't iron" or "won't call her mother, until her mother calls her", she ends up creating lots of consequences out of nothing but silly pride. I think people who wake up in the world and looking to serve are happier than those who wake up on the defensive, looking to be sure not to get hurt by the world. 

#2 Honesty and openness. Tell me what you're thinking and understand that as a man, I'm not going to be your empathetic girlfriend. My inclination will be to try to fix things. If that's not what you need, tell me that you're not looking for a solution but don't just shut down on me and don't ever try to lean on another man. That'll get complicated fast and have negative consequences. 

#3 Make me your highest priority. In emergencies real men are ready to die to protect their women. Real women pay for that sacrifice every day by making sure their man feels like a king & warrior. Get off the couch when I walk through the door from work, hug me like I'm back from a battle, make me happy to be home and don't treat me like I'm an interruption to your TV program or the chat you're having with a friend. 

That's my two cents. My situation is pretty complicated, so my answers are probably skewed by my own mess. But today, this is my answer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

heyheyitschrish said:


> Thank you guys! All of this is VERY helpful! I am in a difficult situation, married to a bipolar man but I am asking mostly because I know every woman has flaws, myself included, and I want to make sure I can be the most well-rounded wife possible and see if I can take out those negative qualities in myself. I know perfection is not possible, but I would like to at least be the best "me" as possible! <3


Well that's admirable.


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

P51Geo1980 said:


> 1. Nope. Even though I've checked out of my marriage I still love her. I just realize that she doesn't reciprocate and I need to love and respect myself before anyone else. This means I need to care about myself. At a certain point I got tired of crying like a little ***** every night because of how lonely I feel.
> 
> 2. Want me. Give me emotional, intellectual, and physical intimacy. In my case I'm leaving her because I am tired of being neglected and not having my need met. I used to meet, or tried very hard to meet all her needs. I finally got tired of the lack of reciprocity about 6 months ago. I checked out and moved out if the bedroom. I'm incredibly lonely and wish someone could have warned me beforehand. I'll be filing this summer after I graduate nursing school. TBH I never want to get married again, I know it's unfair to lump all women together but I gave her 11 of the best years of my life, I worked hard to make her happy and give her a good life and I have nothing to show for it except a broken heart, bitterness, and lonliness. I don't want to risk having that happen ever again - it's not worth it to me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Very great reply, thank you so much! Definitely shed a little insight about paying attention to a man's needs and making sure that they are all met. That is obviously very important! On another note, I am sorry that you have a broken heart and are not wanting to be married again. I think there are some pretty crappy women out there (I am NOT perfect) but it sucks hearing that you lump all women together because not everyone is the same. I am on this site specifically because I am trying to be the absolute BEST wife I can be, if it doesn't work out with my husband I will walk away a much healthier, happier person and I will be able to make another man very happy with what I have learned. I used to a complete ***** in high school and break men's hearts for fun but I have done a complete 180 now that I am college aged with a good job and priorities and trust me, good women do exist-sometimes all we need is a wake up call.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

CaptainLOTO said:


> I never thought "I never loved her" but I do sometimes think she was a compromise and never was the best woman I could have married. I got swept up in a very fast relationship from our first kiss to moving in/engaged was 3 months. One month of which I was out of the country. I was rescuing her from a bad situation. (Objectively all this was just dumb.)
> 
> In retrospect I wonder if I know what love is... But I never question that I do love her. Just that it's not always "complete love" and that there are probably women out there who could have given me more of what I desired, wanted & needed. What is it that she could do?
> 
> ...


AMEN to this! This is what I want/need! Where can I get some of this? I am willing to give as good or better than I get....ugh


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

ChargingCharlie said:


> Somewhat unhappily married man here - married around 12 years, together 14
> 
> 1. I'm at the point where I don't think that I love her. Don't misinterpret this, but I honestly don't think I would care if something happened to her (not to be read as that I want something to happen to her). She complained about something the other day with her body (nothing serious, but it was painful for her), and I didn't care at all (it helped that the kids and I were doing something, so I'm not sure it was totally obvious that I didn't care)
> 
> ...


Do you feel like negativity played a big role in the breakdown of the marriage? You mentioned the "don't get worked up over tiny things" and that is something I am actively working on. I usually am pretty relaxed and rarely get worked up over things but sometimes it is those little things that fester and then for me turn into bigger problems but I have read a book called "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff" which I highly recommend to ALL WOMEN! Haha. I suggest you purchase it for your wife it is only like $10 and well worth the read. I am younger, so I like the advice you gave on growing up and cutting out the foul language. I will definitely impliment that strongly in my everyday life now! Another perk of being young I think, I am never too tired for sex! Haha. Have you tried early morning sex? Then there is absolutely no excuse to being too tired and who doesn't like to wake up with some pleasure? It sets the course for an amazing day!


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

Betrayedone said:


> AMEN to this! This is what I want/need! Where can I get some of this? I am willing to give as good or better than I get....ugh


Don't give up hope! There are DEFINITELY women out there willing to give this, why do you think I started the thread? Find a women who is willing to go through GROWTH with you, personal development and always wanting to strive to be better. It does exist, I am not perfect but I am working on being as close to his description as possible!


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

sinnister said:


> ^
> 
> I agree. Prior to marriage things were great. Just feels like marriage but to a larger extent children - changed her in a real negative way.
> 
> Wish I could cut ties too. Just can't do it.


Can you elaborate on the children part? How did children change your wife in a negative way and how could it of been prevented?


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

CaptainLOTO said:


> I never thought "I never loved her" but I do sometimes think she was a compromise and never was the best woman I could have married. I got swept up in a very fast relationship from our first kiss to moving in/engaged was 3 months. One month of which I was out of the country. I was rescuing her from a bad situation. (Objectively all this was just dumb.)
> 
> In retrospect I wonder if I know what love is... But I never question that I do love her. Just that it's not always "complete love" and that there are probably women out there who could have given me more of what I desired, wanted & needed. What is it that she could do?
> 
> ...


No, thank you SO much! This is one of the best replies yet and I really would love to talk with you more...Sounds like things I would definitely be interested in developing more. I feel like I do all three of what you are wanting but I would love to get even better at it and I relate to a lot that you say that I am already trying to work on! If you ever have spare time to chat, you can send me a personal message!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*DW#2: There was no compromise whatsoever with my skanky XW. She was at least, IMHO, a borderline alcoholic. Additionally, she wouldn't make her kids obey her or clean up after themselves, and condoned their drug usage by just saying, "Oh, well, all the kids are doing it!" Hell, she rarely ever cleaned up after herself!

DW#1: She was bi-polar and a "power freak" ~ enough said!*


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *DW#2: There was no compromise whatsoever with my skanky XW. She was at least, IMHO, a borderline alcoholic. Additionally, she wouldn't make her kids obey her or clean up after themselves, and condoned their drug usage by just saying, "Oh, well, all the kids are doing it!" Hell, she rarely ever cleaned up after herself!
> 
> DW#1: She was bi-polar and a "power freak" ~ enough said!*


I totally understand the "control" factor and how it can be so so so straining on a relationship, my husband is bipolar. 
What would your ideal woman be?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

heyheyitschrish said:


> Can you elaborate on the children part? How did children change your wife in a negative way and how could it of been prevented?


Children change everything. It seems the pattern for a lot of ladies after having kids is some combination of:
1)depriorization of the spouse in her life to near bottom-rung, 
2)negative self-image due to body changes
3)hormonal train-wreck (sometimes this self-corrects, sometimes not)


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> Children change everything. It seems the pattern for a lot of ladies after having kids is some combination of:
> 1)depriorization of the spouse in her life to near bottom-rung,
> 2)negative self-image due to body changes
> 3)hormonal train-wreck (sometimes this self-corrects, sometimes not)


We have a one year old so this is something I will definitely keep in the back of my mind! Thank you! I think my horomones are definitely in check, I would never allow myself to be a trainwreck. I do have some negative self-image due to the weight gain but I am actively trying to get back to my 115. If that is not possible I would be happy with 120. 
On the priorities thing...I think I put my spouse before my child and before my career but what do you think makes you feel deprioritized? I want to be wary of never doing those things. Thank you!!


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

heyheyitschrish said:


> Do you feel like negativity played a big role in the breakdown of the marriage? You mentioned the "don't get worked up over tiny things" and that is something I am actively working on. I usually am pretty relaxed and rarely get worked up over things but sometimes it is those little things that fester and then for me turn into bigger problems but I have read a book called "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff" which I highly recommend to ALL WOMEN! Haha. I suggest you purchase it for your wife it is only like $10 and well worth the read. I am younger, so I like the advice you gave on growing up and cutting out the foul language. I will definitely impliment that strongly in my everyday life now! Another perk of being young I think, I am never too tired for sex! Haha. Have you tried early morning sex? Then there is absolutely no excuse to being too tired and who doesn't like to wake up with some pleasure? It sets the course for an amazing day!


I honestly think the issues started when the kids arrived. Note that we're a lot older than most parents of kids our age (we're in our late 40's, and the kids are just over 2 1/2). Started noticing more the immaturity and the nagging (she likes the fact that she's immature, so fighting that is hard, and the nagging she will say it's because I don't do things correctly and also that she's overwhelmed). As for morning sex, she's practically asexual, so that's a no-go (she'll make noise that we should have sex, but in the next breath she'll complain that she's tired, etc). She loves to say that sleep is much better than sex. 

As stated by me and others, it's sad that I like it better when she's not around. She may have to go out of town for family reasons soon (don't know yet), and I'll encourage her to go, partly because it's family, and partly because it will be nice not having her around (even this will mean that I'll be totally responsible for the kids while she's gone).


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

ChargingCharlie said:


> I honestly think the issues started when the kids arrived. Note that we're a lot older than most parents of kids our age (we're in our late 40's, and the kids are just over 2 1/2). Started noticing more the immaturity and the nagging (she likes the fact that she's immature, so fighting that is hard, and the nagging she will say it's because I don't do things correctly and also that she's overwhelmed). As for morning sex, she's practically asexual, so that's a no-go (she'll make noise that we should have sex, but in the next breath she'll complain that she's tired, etc). She loves to say that sleep is much better than sex.
> 
> As stated by me and others, it's sad that I like it better when she's not around. She may have to go out of town for family reasons soon (don't know yet), and I'll encourage her to go, partly because it's family, and partly because it will be nice not having her around (even this will mean that I'll be totally responsible for the kids while she's gone).


That is unfortunate...I am sorry to hear all this! Do you feel like there is hope?


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

heyheyitschrish said:


> That is unfortunate...I am sorry to hear all this! Do you feel like there is hope?


Good question. One thing that I want to make clear is that I'm certainly not blameless. I tend to keep things to myself, so she doesn't know any of this. I also tend to avoid conflict (although I've gotten better at pushing back when she goes overboard). 

That said, I don't know how to get over the fact that a woman in her late 40's is proud of the fact that she acts like a teenager (her sense of humor is also very juvenile). She also complains of headaches, but then will stress out over little things, as if there's no correlation. 

I don't think that anything will happen until the kids are out of the house. She says that she loves me (and I do believe that), but we're basically roommates that share a bed. I am aware of what others have said about kids being perceptive regarding how their parents interact, so am trying to be careful on this front.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

heyheyitschrish: Love your picture btw!

To 1: Love has its ups and downs and there have been times when I thought I didn't love my wife much anymore. I checked myself, checked to see what was up and I didn't rush to any hasty conclusions, and sure enough my feelings changed. Yes I love her.

To 2: a) Quit nagging so much! The little things do NOT matter that much and quit making every thing that I do a test of my love and caring for you, it isn't!! I'm tired of being tested so much! It makes me feel under constant pressure and I want to escape! Don't do it!!

b) I don't need you to be utterly devoted to me, I don't need for you to do everything for me. And for heavens sakes, don't do something for me and then get angry when you feel that I don't return the same! Give me the chance to do things for you that I'm capable of doing. As a matter of fact if you don't I tend to appreciate the things that you actually do for me. All that I want is to see that you want to share your life with me. I'm judged and evaluated so much by myself and professionally that I'm tired of it. Please don't do that at home. We only have one life, and all I want out of this marriage is for us to share it as we get older. Just keep that in mind and quit with the negativity.


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

ChargingCharlie said:


> Good question. One thing that I want to make clear is that I'm certainly not blameless. I tend to keep things to myself, so she doesn't know any of this. I also tend to avoid conflict (although I've gotten better at pushing back when she goes overboard).
> 
> That said, I don't know how to get over the fact that a woman in her late 40's is proud of the fact that she acts like a teenager (her sense of humor is also very juvenile). She also complains of headaches, but then will stress out over little things, as if there's no correlation.
> 
> I don't think that anything will happen until the kids are out of the house. She says that she loves me (and I do believe that), but we're basically roommates that share a bed. I am aware of what others have said about kids being perceptive regarding how their parents interact, so am trying to be careful on this front.


I think that is very admirable of you!


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

PreRaphaelite said:


> heyheyitschrish: Love your picture btw!
> 
> To 1: Love has its ups and downs and there have been times when I thought I didn't love my wife much anymore. I checked myself, checked to see what was up and I didn't rush to any hasty conclusions, and sure enough my feelings changed. Yes I love her.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for your reply and compliment!!


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

Betrayedone said:


> AMEN to this! This is what I want/need! Where can I get some of this? I am willing to give as good or better than I get....ugh


Me too! This is exactly where I'm at.


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## RoyR (Jan 28, 2014)

1. Be an equal partner, help with the bills, don't want material things you/we can't afford.

2. Have some interest in sex sometimes, not every day.

3. Do stuff together without the kids. and with the kids.

4. Don't stop me from doing my hobbies you don't like ( Hunting, Fishing )


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## ringyou57 (Jan 12, 2014)

Seems like a lot of middle age married women let themselves go... There is nothing that will kill the moment like a wife, husband, significant other in the buff with a gut that hangs 2/3 the way down their thighs...


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## FF4Christ (Jan 24, 2014)

I have never felt that way. Right now, I am trying my damnedest to fix what is in large part my fault. Won't get into the gory details because I doubt you want to read about them anyway. But suffice it to say I am more connected with the family, spending more time with the kids, more in tune with what needs to happen. This will take time, I understand. Also in this equation is the uncertainty of her job, a high credit card bill, and her going through perimenopause(sp?). Or menopause possibly. So trying to give her the time, the space, the emotional reasons for her to "want" me like she used to. BTW, I really am glad to have found this forum. Thanks.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I am divorced from a cheating wife.

It's hard for me to imagine she ever really loved me. What is clear is that she NEVER felt the way about me that I felt about her. It was lopsided in that regard and took its toll.

To her life is a series of priorities and as each new priority came I was pushed back further in line. So in the beginning it was 1) her 2) me. This at the time seemed tolerable and didn't know better. 

Fast forward 12 year relationship 8 years marriage and it was 1)her 2) her job 3) the kids 4) the house 5) the dog 6) her reality tv shows 7) me

Had she made me a priority then it wouldn't have ended in divorce but that's not the kind of person she is and never was


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## jnyu44 (Feb 13, 2012)

I started off loving my wife. With each passing day filled with her criticism, her hatred and anger, her inability to admit fault, passive-aggressiveness...I find that I love her less and less. I don't think I love her anymore. I cling to the hope that one day I can fall in love with her again.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I'm not an unhappy divorced guy I guess....

I'm just me...

In answer to " would you take a bullet...."?


Yes. Definitely yes.

New wife. New girlfriend.... Ex wife....

The truth of the fact is....if you'd take a bullet....?

It could be a stranger on the street....

You'd still take that bullet...

kudos to you! You have an Indrediibly strong sense of character in yourself and you know you'd do what's right....


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

WOMEN ARE A puzzle...and many times, not quite most, but many, the reward aint worth the work putting it together

oh hell, who am I kidding...MOST of the time, the reward aint worth the work...pay too much attention and your a door mat, pay not enough attention and your a jerk and deserve her infidelity...sigh

single men...STAY single...you can have everything you want and need in life without marriage


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