# Divorce if both parties still love each other?



## aesky (Jun 20, 2013)

I posted about a month ago and got some interesting feedback. Subsequently my wife and I talked a number of times, agreed to work things out, but have still been separate. I tried to take the advice I was given and not appear too needy, etc. 

Today she tells me that she feels terrible but doesn't think we can patch things up and that she won't talk to me because she thinks I'll try to talk her out of her decision, which is true.

But she also claims to still love me. 

I've been devastated for a month now. It's raw, tearing pain and I don't know where to turn.

Has anyone here been divorced even when both parties still have strong feelings for the other person?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Love isn't enough to sustain a healthy marriage. 

So yes I've heard plenty of stories of people divorcing despite having strong feelings for the other person.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I briefly scanned your story. I agree there are plenty of stories out there of people who love each other and yet couldn't make a marriage work. If she wants to go, you will have to let her.


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## aesky (Jun 20, 2013)

I'm trying to understand that but we really can make it work. We've been best friends, confidantes, and lovers for so many years. Why would someone want to leave if she loves the person she's leaving?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

aesky said:


> I'm trying to understand that but we really can make it work.


But that is your opinion and not hers. 

You need to let go and look forward. She isn't a possession like a dog and has free will to do what she feels is best for her. Respect it.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, keep that in mind too. If you two were having problems and separated, that absence could be enough to make your love and memories see only the good and not the bad.

Remember too that it's about what's best for you. This waiting and hoping and worrying is so mentally exhausting, especially if there's no chance of reconciliation from her end. I'd recommend telling her "okay, let's see how we feel in a month" and maintain radio silence. If in a month she still just wants to separate...then you have your answer.


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## aesky (Jun 20, 2013)

But how do you maintain radio silence with someone you've spoken to every day for over 20 years?

And how does one come to the conclusion that they just want to go away and never see someone again? Do we do that with friends or dogs? Or is it only spouses that treat each other so badly?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

aesky said:


> But how do you maintain radio silence with someone you've spoken to every day for over 20 years?
> 
> And how does one come to the conclusion that they just want to go away and never see someone again? Do we do that with friends or dogs? Or is it only spouses that treat each other so badly?


Happens all the time. I don't know your story but we often tell people to go dark which means no or minimal contact. The decision is usually made because nothing else worked. It's not generally about treating someone badly its about self preservation.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

Read about and do the 180 for yourself and read some Calle Zorro articles. That often will generate interest.


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## aesky (Jun 20, 2013)

Talked to a counselor yesterday. It was actually helpful just to talk. Period. Then out of the blue got a text from wife today after days of no contact. So I asked if she'd go to joint counseling. That was met with big surprise and "let me think about it."

So I don't know. But what I do know is that being sad has its limitations. Most recently I'm feeling rage creeping into my emotions. I don't want that to turn into hatred as I can't bear to think that the person who I adored for so many years might become someone I resent. But those are the only emotions I feel right now - longing and despair touched by anger.

Seeing a therapist for myself tomorrow regardless. I don't even generally believe in that stuff for the most part but there was such a sense of relief from talking to someone and in fact, she acted like a mirror to help me see another way of interpreting myself. Might be a good move and I'm quite willing to re-think my position on the whole notion of therapy.

The thing is, I could never imagine cutting off somebody I cared about. I have a lot of troublesome friends and in fact, I'm probably one of them for other people. But if I love them, I wouldn't cut them off. Some people I only deal with alone because they offend other friends. Kind of like big shaggy sloppy dogs. But they have their charms too. And friendship and closeness are kind of rare. So much so that the idea of cutting someone off AFTER you've taken the time to build a relationship over the years, well, it's just something I can't quite see myself doing.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

You sound a lot like my ex-husband. Not that you have the same issues we did, infidelity and abuse on his part, but he could not let go. He thought that since I was his wife that I would just overlook any mistake he made and my happiness and just stay for the sake of the relationship. 

Your wife says she isnt happy. Even if you love her, you MUST step back, let her go. If she actually loves you as she says, she will come back. If not, then you can move on and be happy with someone who appreciates you for you. Please keep going to counseling. I don't want you to have emotional problems like what my ex had. You seem like a good guy and a caring husband. Take care of yourself.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

My ex-wife and I loved each other but there were so many areas where we clashed like titans. I realized that every year I was trying harder to improve our situation, she was putting less effort in and I was just making it easier for her to do so. To this day I resent her and feel totally ripped off in so many ways; financially, sexually, emotionally, etc. Sadly, even after everything that went down, I gave her a piece of my heart years ago and she still has it....fortunately, the longer she is out of my life, the smaller that piece of me gets, as it slowly dwindles away forever. The memories are fading, and ya, love wasn`t enough to keep us together.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Sometimes love just isnt enough. Sometimes there are differences that make compatibility impossible. In cases like that, it seems kinder to let each other go.


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## TEE111 (Nov 16, 2015)

I think you were met with the "let me think about it" from her because it shows actionable change on your part.
Maybe, instead of feeling sorry for yourself you need to realize what and why she wants a divorce. 

I identify strongly with your wife. For me- I deeply love my husband, but Im still asking for a divorce. 
When he says he wants to work it out- I believe him about 20%. I do think the desire is there, but he has not made the steps to work it out. Im done doing all the work in our marriage, so it is up to him to take action. He asked about counseling, but then never looked into the appointments... thats a re-run. Im done with it.

I want a grand gesture, more than a promise, and an absolute guarantee that our relationship will not go on the way it has been going. (He didn't do big things wrong- but he is an alcoholic (currently seeking treatment) and was having an emotional affair/texting with old girlfriends a lot). I believe he didn't do too much wrong- but I also know I deserve better. I deserve at least what I was giving... which was 100%.
IF he was truly happy, he wouldn't have done those things to me. IF he truly loved me, he would find a way to fix it... and do more than just talk. Truly fix it with me. It may not be possible to fix, and its a long road. BUT its not impossible. I do love him. 

She might not tell you what she wants, BUT talking about what you will do will not change it- you have to actually do it. Why don't you think about what kind of love she feels like she deserves... (and what you think you can really give) and see if you can find alignment. Think about her. Not about yourself.

Change. Its tough. I wish you the best.


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## rmsibley (Aug 2, 2016)

Mavash. said:


> Love isn't enough to sustain a healthy marriage.
> 
> So yes I've heard plenty of stories of people divorcing despite having strong feelings for the other person.


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