# Wife's affair



## sqrt314 (Jun 14, 2011)

Hello again everyone.

I posted here back in mid June after I suspected that wife had an EA with OM while she lived in another state as a student. She tried to break up the affair on her own at the time, and here are some additional details and results.

After her schooling was over, she moved in with me. During the whole time, I did not bring up the issue at all. From time to time, she'll bring up the issue; tell me a little more about it, but always beating around the bush from the whole detail. I kept tab on her email, phone, and msgs. They did break off contact by end of June. Past few weeks the OM tried to rekindle some contact that resulted in angry rebuttals from WS.

Also, from these messages, I learned some additional details. The whole thing lasted for maybe 5, 6 weeks. They met in class, and turned into a PA by 2nd date. The huge argument that we had occurred during May was at same time when the WS found out OM was dating other women concurrently. She did visit the OM for a whole weekend, and the OM stayed with her for a week towards the end of June. WS broke off all contact with OM after she moved, and in her email to OM, she described the relationship as "having some fun before I leave school".

After finding out about all the details, I found myself strangely apathetic to all the events. I know that I should be hurt and angry – but I really don’t care at this point. When I look at her, it is just a strange sense of indifference. I find myself very incapable of getting any kind of emotion out of myself – that she just doesn’t invoke any emotion from me anymore. I feel that I definitely enjoy her company, and we enjoy good laugh together, but she just doesn’t make me feel angry or sad or hurt anymore.

I don’t know if it’s time for me to give “I love you, but not in love with you” speech, or this is the side effect of reading and following the “man-up” guides. I constantly tell myself to stop being so emotionally needy and “man up”. I started doing physical exercises, and she started to exercise too. She is also taking over more of the household chores. I don’t know if our sex life is normal or not. We’d absintice from it for days, and then not even getting off bed for another day. Yes, she is especially “in the mood” around ovulation, which may indicates according to some of the man-up guides. 

I know I should confront her with the affair, but right now, I just don’t want to get emotionally involved with any arguments / deep conversations with her. What is wrong with me?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why have you never brought up the affair??? That is crazy.


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## sqrt314 (Jun 14, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Why have you never brought up the affair??? That is crazy.


I feel exhausted by it. I was hysterical about it as it happened, but the part that even confuses me is.. I don't care anymore. The apathy is the what I'm trying to get over, and that is the part I'm wondering if you guys can offer any suggestions about.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I think you were looking to rug sweep for the sheer fact you were afraid to admit to yourself that it was over for you. Unfortunately rug sweeping only delays things and drags it out. Now you are finally coming to terms with what you really want to do.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

You're in shock, and your mind is going into self defense mode by disconnecting your emotions from the information. It's a natural coping mechanism. If, as the days go by, you still feel the indifference, then it's time to start exploring whether or not you've emotionally moved on from her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bobdc (Sep 15, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Why have you never brought up the affair??? That is crazy.


agree with jellybeans!


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Dude, this is your wife your talking about here. She used school as a reason to take a vacation from your marriage?!? You need to confront her about what you know or I'm telling ya, it's gonna eat you alive.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

sqrt314 said:


> After finding out about all the details, I found myself strangely apathetic to all the events. I know that I should be hurt and angry – but I really don’t care at this point.* When I look at her, it is just a strange sense of indifference.* I find myself very incapable of getting any kind of emotion out of myself – that she just doesn’t invoke any emotion from me anymore. I feel that I definitely enjoy her company, and we enjoy good laugh together, but she just doesn’t make me feel angry or sad or hurt anymore.


I have read many times that indifference is the opposite of love. Without love, the long term prognosis of your marriage is death (in one of its many forms).

Prepare yourself to move on. No joint bank accounts or credit cards. No loans or debts in joint name. Start moving your assets out of your wife's reach. Hide them somewhere. When you're ready leave her.

Dont feel bad about this. She had the affair. You cannot trust her. What's happening to you is a consequence of her affair.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> I know I should confront her with the affair, but right now, I just don’t want to get emotionally involved with any arguments / deep conversations with her. What is wrong with me?


Your marriage has zero chance with you and her not addressing it, her last fling is not acceptable and you not saying anything is condoning it. She will be off to another affair unless you address this problem. 

Do not rug sweep this.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sqrt314 said:


> Hello again everyone.
> 
> I posted here back in mid June after I suspected that wife had an EA with OM while she lived in another state as a student. She tried to break up the affair on her own at the time, and here are some additional details and results.
> 
> ...


I remember this. She was essentially leading a double life. 

What you did was rug sweep. The affair has not been dealt with. Is she back with you because she was mad for him cheating on her or because she realized she was wrong?

So I don't blame you for being apathetic about this.

No kids ... move on.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Do not sweep this under the rug or she will do it again.

Think about the events, she was angry because the OM was being unfaithful to her. She apparently values monogamy in her partner. If you follow the path you are on she will realize there are no consequences and will do it again and again.

Oh and if she went PA on the second date is sounds like she was partially the instigator for day one. Maybe you should just kick her to the curb now?

You need to deal with this. Yes it is hard, but do you want to deal with more cheating?

Are you afraid she will leave you if you speak up? Are you afraid she won't accept you being mad?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

If you confront the issue with her head-on and make her accountable for her actions, she MAY leave you, but she may also admit culpability and work on the M.

But, if you do nothing, she will see that you are a "paper tiger" and that she can get away with this, and she will DEFINITELY leave you.

You've got 2 chances to lose her and 1 to win her.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Dude, you need to drop her fast. Based on her statement of "having some fun before I leave school". What will be the reason next time? "Just wanted to have some fun before we start a family", "Just wanted to have some fun with this coworker before he's transferred" Don't you see it. She has no boundaries. And her "only sex" attitude is a virtual guarantee that she will cheat again.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Indifference to 6 week portion of life when someother dude was getting it from your wife = move on.

You may not even love her anymore. Not that I blame you.


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## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

You haven't hit the Anger stage, yet, I suspect, but you will! Take care of you now!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Face it, dude. She has come up with a half-a**ed excuse as to why she had an affair, and she hoped you'd see it her way and let her off the hook.

And you have done just that.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She sounds more confused than you. I'm sure she can't understand your lack of reaction to all this. She can't figure out if you still love her (are you telling her you love her?) or care about what she did? I'm sure she can't figure out why you have no questions.

You definitely need individual counseling and get tested for std's.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

If she had an affair and you know about it and do nothing, you're giving her permission to do it again.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Grayson said:


> You're in shock, and your mind is going into self defense mode by disconnecting your emotions from the information. It's a natural coping mechanism. If, as the days go by, you still feel the indifference, then it's time to start exploring whether or not you've emotionally moved on from her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



:iagree::iagree::iagree:

This seems to be the most logical explanation for your apathy, I can remember going through a mild case of this during my recovery.

If you don't snap out of it in a couple of weeks, I would think that you have lost the love you once had for her. Perfectly understandable. 

I would just give it some time and be patient.


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