# Miscarriage and it's affect on our marriage



## stevie233 (Jan 5, 2013)

Hi all,

My wife and I have been together for almost 4 years now. We've been married since June 2012.
I'm currently 23 and she's currently 26.

Around 6 months before we were to get married, my wife found out she was pregnant. At first, it was shock and horror. But then it turned into joy (especially for my fiance at the time). We went to the doctor to do an ultrasound. We got our first glimpse of the baby! We were so overcome with joy knowing that we had created something together! The tech left and the doctor then came in. Our baby was dead. The ultrasound picture we saw was of a baby with no heartbeat.

To say the least, my fiance was devastated beyond anything I've ever seen. To make matters worse she couldn't pass the baby naturally. We had to get medicine to abort the fetus.

At that time, I was 22 years old. I had just graduated college and received my first full-time job offer. I didn't know what I was going to do with myself knowing that I had a child on the way at such a young unprepared age. The miscarriage happened and I felt horrible that it had to happen that way. But, on the flipside, I saw this as a blessing in disguise.

On the contrary, my wife did not see it that way. Ever since January of 2012, she has been depressed. Like I said, this was a blessing in disguise so that we can wait on down the road and be better prepared for children......right? 

She has reminded me EVERYDAY since the incident that she wants a baby. I don't. At least not yet.

This depression that she has has turned into anger towards me. I don't want children at the moment. She wants to start having them RIGHT NOW. Keep in mind that I'm 23 and she's 26.

Over the past month or so, our talks about having children have turned into all out fights with each of us nearly coming to tears. We were happy when we got married, but ever since that point we've gone downhill. I want to have kids! I just want to wait a couple of years to make sure we are settled down and ready for this! She wants them pronto because she feels like the only way to fill this void is for her to have a kid. It's almost like it's about to drive her crazy, but I'm standing my ground on the issue. She says that I'm doing this to her on purpose when in reality I'm just trying to make sure we do the right thing and be a little more prepared. She claims the only thing that is going to make her feel better is if she has a kid. I've tried everything to take her mind off of it, but nothing seems to work. It's like all rational thoughts have left her brain and it's all on this fixation.

She told me tonight that she feels differenlty about me, but she still loves me. I was taken aback by that. Has her perception on me changed? What does this mean? Is she just telling me she loves me because she's too scared to tell me she doesn't anymore?

Am I really being an *******, hardheaded, or just too much of a *****?
I still love her. I want to grant her wishes, but I feel like right now is not the right time. I'm young and want to do other things before making such a HUGE commitment to a family. 

This miscarriage has about torn our marriage apart. To make things worse, we both have HPV. I say that because I feel like there is no escape or any other person out there if we were to separate. It's like it hangs over our heads to remind us that if we separate, things are going to be extremely difficult in the next relationship. 

We love each other to the fullest extent, but she wants the family now and I want to wait. The only way to cure the depression (in her eyes) is to have a baby. 

What do I do?


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

You hold your ground. Have a sit down discussion with your wife, tellher at the beginning there will be no yelling, name calling, accusations, belittling or blaming. I think now more than ever you need to stick to your guns. She isn't going to automatically feel better because she now has a baby. The baby that was lost, will still be lost and she needs to find comfort in herself BEFORE she decides to bring a child into the world. She is hurting, be there for her, but let her know that you feel you are doing what's best for the family instead of making a lifetimedecision on emotion. 

The fact that she tells you she feels differently about you is another huge reason to wait. If your wife cannot feel the love she use to for you, just because you want to wait to settle before having children, she isn't in the right place emotionally in this relationship. Having a baby won't fix these problems. She needs to be willing to work on them in an effort to try to have a baby. She is being entirely unfair to you.

If she won't accept that it's going to wait, I'd consider cutting your losses and moving on. She doesn't respect you, if she isn't willing to wait until you are ready. Having a child shouldn't be a case of whine until the other partner gives in, it's a case of a couple working together, and bringing themselves to a point in their marriages where they are ready to start a family.

That being said encourage her to get into counseling, to work through these feelings of needing to replace this child. A few sessions of marriage counselling wouldn't hurt either. She shouldn't be blaming this on you or allowing it to cause her feelings to change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

DO NOT HAVE A CHILD with this woman under these circumstances. She needs to have counseling to deal with her depressive symptoms. If she feels differently about you, maybe you need to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you.

Good luck.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband wanted children and divorced his ex w because she refused to get pregnant. It was a huge deal breaker for him. The urge is so strong. Well, he met me and we had 2 children. My husband is an absolute wonderful father and I couldn't ask for a better man to be married to. He and his ex got into many arguments over this and he went through a depression himself. I couldn't ask for a better husband either. We've been married nearly 13 years now.

Your wife could be depressed due to wanting a child and you refusing. Just a thought. I wanted all my children before I turned 30. I would not bear a child after 30, by my own wishes. I had 3 children in all, one from a previous marriage. 

Perhaps her depression is linked to you holding off the baby. I wasn't prepared or financially set for my first child. I had her young. Everything turned out great and I made sure it worked out for us.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

The OP isn't saying be doesn't want kids at all, just not right now. Him giving her one because she's pushing for it could cause him to be depressed or resentful. I could never bring a child into the world without being prepared for it, and very much respect the OP for holding out. It isn't going to fix the marriage problems.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

My husband was 18 and I was 24 when I miscarried our first baby. I started bleeding at exactly 12 weeks, the point when miscarriage risk is supposed to go down. I had an ultrasound and the tech said nothing to me, of course. But I saw the diagnosis on the file: blighted ovum. My baby stopped growing at 7 weeks. And yes, I still refer to that pregnancy as my baby.

Want to know the difference between my pregnancy and that of OP wife? My husband said "ok" when I told him I didn't want to wait to have children. I got pregnant right away after the bleeding stopped. My oldest child is now 11 years old. We weren't prepared for the struggles of having a child so early in our marriage, but both my husband and I agree, we wouldn't change even one thing about having him or his brother and sister.

OP, your wife is going to grieve that baby for awhile. But I think IILWMH has a point as well... she may very well be depressed, at least partially so, because you now want to wait. You admit that you were excited seeing the baby on the screen...then you started saying "I don't want kids right now" People are going to disagree with this, but I will say it anyway. Even those who consider themselves financially stable aren't fully prepared when kids start coming. And, the advice given by my parents and their parents, etc. has always been "If you wait to have kids until you are ready, you will never have them." No matter how ready you think you are, when you start having kids, all that preparedness goes out the window.

OP, you may not be ready, yourself, but your wife is. What you should do is, as Tikii suggested. Sit down and talk rationally about it. DO NOT minimize her feelings/wishes for a baby now. But also, tell her that you don't feel ready at this moment. See if you can come up with a compromise, and please, don't renege on it when that time comes.


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## BarelyThere (Dec 31, 2012)

I can understand where your wife is coming from. It is very hard to let go of the future you envisioned when you were pregnant, to just let it all fall away with the miscarriage. I lost a baby at 17 weeks gestation and was pregnant 1.5 months later. *That* was too soon, but getting pregnant again helped me be able to move past the loss.

I may be the only one who gets this from what you're saying, but what it seems like is that while you expect her to consider your feelings on the matter, you may not be making a lot of effort to consider her feelings. 

Just because it is your belief that now is the wrong time doesn't mean that you are solely right. Neither then is she completely wrong. You need to figure out a way to compromise and support her in this, a loss that is more painful than you could probably ever imagine.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

You can get treatment for the HPV, it's not like you have herpes.

Has your wife been to any kind of therapy for the loss of your child?
There are often group therapy for survivors of miscarriages offered through local hospitals.
If she's too emotionally raw to be in a group setting, then tell her to go to a therapist on her own.
Under NO circumstances should she get PG, if she is truly clinically depressed, the hormone surge could be overwhelming to her.
Have her seek out help & then revisit the having a child timeline.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I'm sorry about the loss of your baby.

If she is truly clinically depressed, she needs to see a doctor asap. 

All you can do is encourage her to go, show empathy & love her.

Depression is a very treatable illness. Stop fighting with her about having another baby. Don't engage in discussions about it. Go about your business & pick up the slack around the home.

Stop looking at this as the end of your marriage. Your wife sounds like a very sick woman.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

As long as he understands, in her view, he is not loving her or caring about how she deeply feels....this is causing her even more pain... I would probably feel as the wife, I would understand the depression was not healthy, but when you loose something like that, when you had your JOY set that high...all those plans, baby holding, walking in the park, swinging your little girl, to have it ripped from you... when she seen the JOY of *him* along with hers... again to have it ripped from her... of course she is going to be struggling with some very very strong emotions here..and for a while..

When a woman miscarries her 1st child, *she likely has great fears she may not be able to carry one to term..*. so this idea of "waiting" .....is not comforting for her...at all.... My husband would NEVER do this to me... Never in a million years.. and I love him all the more for it. God I treasure that man how he handled me when I struggled to conceive. 

I also think ImInLoveWithMyhubby's husband is a superb man & Father..and so is Maricha's ..... people can & will get depressed when the desires of their heart has been RIPPED from them...and the one they love has no care to be "with them"...love with them...has a black & white take on this... you are already married.... children follow...It's natures course..

If you could both sit down and agree on a specific time frame in the near future, this may help her...give herself something to look forward too, if I was her, I would NEED a timeframe... to calm her, restore her belief you are "with her " in this.. she feels you have alienated her, and are refusing her deepest desires. 

Life is unfortunate... You had a child die...if you can't see through your wife's eyes here....she will resent you... and if she has trouble in the future, after waiting for years, if you demand this of her.... I don't think hell would have enough fury. 

But then again, maybe you will be resentful if you have a child now, so this is no good either. 

I am very happy I didn't wait to have more children, because Fertility does not always act as wonderfully as we plan... Had I waited till we could "afford" it as perfectly as some plan...we would not have the large family we have today.



> B*arelyThere said*: I can understand where your wife is coming from. It is very hard to let go of the future you envisioned when you were pregnant, to just let it all fall away with the miscarriage. I lost a baby at 17 weeks gestation and was pregnant 1.5 months later. *That* was too soon, but getting pregnant again helped me be able to move past the loss.
> 
> I may be the only one who gets this from what you're saying, but what it seems like is that while you expect her to consider your feelings on the matter, you may not be making a lot of effort to consider her feelings.
> 
> Just because it is your belief that now is the wrong time doesn't mean that you are solely right. Neither then is she completely wrong. You need to figure out a way to compromise and support her in this, a loss that is more painful than you could probably ever imagine.


 Spoken from a woman who has been there. I agree with her every word on this.


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## Carisma (Aug 24, 2012)

I had 3 miscarriages. This is going to be long.

Here is what I think your wife needs. She needs you to sit down with her and tell her exactly what you told us. Without fighting, screaming, etc and no accusations or "You said" comments.

First, tell you want to talk about how the loss has made you each feel. Ask her to tell you about the emotions she has over losing the baby. Then you share yours.

Tell her that you were scared to death about the changes coming when you discovered she was pregnant but that when you saw the baby on the US you were overjoyed. Tell her you were very sad to know the baby wasn't alive. Tell her you grieved. Then tell her that you realized it was a blessing in disguise because neither of you were ready. Tell her all of this in a gentle, loving voice, without any argument or accusation or reminders of how she has acted versus how you have acted.

But that is only the first part.

Then tell her you are very eager to have kids but instead of saying you want to wait a couple years, set a time line, start planning a date, maybe 1 year out, maybe 18 months out. Don't be vague and put her off. The message she is getting from your vagueness is that you are saying "yeah, I want to have kids, just not right now" just to put her off/shut her up. She doesn't think you mean it.

Once you have agreed on a time line for when to start trying, for various reasons including finances (set a savings goal etc) then AND ONLY THEN, tell her that you are very concerned about her depression and that you would like her to consider getting some counseling to help her move past the grief and get ready for the new baby. I cannot stress strongly enough - DO NOT LEAD WITH THAT!

My guess, is that after she can see a date in the future for a baby, the grieving process can move forward pretty much on its own but that some counseling will probably help.

I am telling you this from the perspective of having been there. The worst thing for me after each miscarriage, was that my husband seemed to be able to just shrug off our dead babies and move on while I was ripped up inside over the babies I would never get to hold. The thing that healed that hole in my heart and helped with my depression was when he got me a little desk clock with birth stones in it. And in order, each baby was recognized with a birth stone. The first was a miscarriage and that birthstone was the month of the miscarriage with the inscription "born in heaven". The 2nd was our oldest son, 3rd a late term miscarriage of a baby girl we had already named so her name and birth stone were there, 4th was our youngest son, 5th our last miscarriage with the inscription born in heaven again. With that gift he wrote a card that told me that he often thinks of our babies and that he misses them too. That helped me realize that even though he didn't express it, he wasn't heartless. I needed to know that those babies were real to him too. 

When a woman carries the baby it is real to her much sooner than it is to the man it seems...and if he just "moves on" it can make the mom feel like "her" baby didn't matter to him. You may want to consider starting the conversation with a small token, like a Pandora bracelet or something with a birth stone for the first baby and tell her there are openings and room for the others that come.

Just my thoughts on the matter...but I am willing to bet that the change in her feelings is the result of resentment because she thinks you don't care about the baby she lost the same way she does. That you don't understand her need to have children and that you might not ever want children. Your saying you want them in the future doesn't mean anything to her, that is just words.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Carisma said:


> I am telling you this from the perspective of having been there. The worst thing for me after each miscarriage, was that my husband seemed to be able to just shrug off our dead babies and move on while I was ripped up inside over the babies I would never get to hold. The thing that healed that hole in my heart and helped with my depression was when he got me a little desk clock with birth stones in it. And in order, each baby was recognized with a birth stone. The first was a miscarriage and that birthstone was the month of the miscarriage with the inscription "born in heaven". The 2nd was our oldest son, 3rd a late term miscarriage of a baby girl we had already named so her name and birth stone were there, 4th was our youngest son, 5th our last miscarriage with the inscription born in heaven again. With that gift he wrote a card that told me that he often thinks of our babies and that he misses them too. That helped me realize that even though he didn't express it, he wasn't heartless. I needed to know that those babies were real to him too.
> 
> When a woman carries the baby it is real to her much sooner than it is to the man it seems...and if he just "moves on" it can make the mom feel like "her" baby didn't matter to him. You may want to consider starting the conversation with a small token, like a Pandora bracelet or something with a birth stone for the first baby and tell her there are openings and room for the others that come





> Just my thoughts on the matter...but I am willing to bet that the change in her feelings is the result of resentment because she thinks you don't care about the baby she lost the same way she does. *That you don't understand her need to have children and that you might not ever want children. Your saying you want them in the future doesn't mean anything to her, that is just words*.


Stevie233... listen carefully to the women who have been there, walked these shoes of pain....they understand your wife... each one of them...and what she deeply NEEDS from her husband.


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## BarelyThere (Dec 31, 2012)

Carisma said:


> I am telling you this from the perspective of having been there. The worst thing for me after each miscarriage, was that my husband seemed to be able to just shrug off our dead babies and move on while I was ripped up inside over the babies I would never get to hold. The thing that healed that hole in my heart and helped with my depression was when he got me a little desk clock with birth stones in it. And in order, each baby was recognized with a birth stone. The first was a miscarriage and that birthstone was the month of the miscarriage with the inscription "born in heaven". The 2nd was our oldest son, 3rd a late term miscarriage of a baby girl we had already named so her name and birth stone were there, 4th was our youngest son, 5th our last miscarriage with the inscription born in heaven again. With that gift he wrote a card that told me that he often thinks of our babies and that he misses them too. That helped me realize that even though he didn't express it, he wasn't heartless. I needed to know that those babies were real to him too.


THAT is amazing. I'm all covered in goosebumps here. What a man!

I'm sorry about your three babies. It is so much harder than you expect from hearing about it. It's not just some abstract concept going away; it is a beautiful, perfect baby whose bright future will never come to be. I couldn't go through it three times - you're amazing.


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## Carisma (Aug 24, 2012)

BarelyThere said:


> THAT is amazing. I'm all covered in goosebumps here. What a man!
> 
> I'm sorry about your three babies. It is so much harder than you expect from hearing about it. It's not just some abstract concept going away; it is a beautiful, perfect baby whose bright future will never come to be. I couldn't go through it three times - you're amazing.


Thanks for your kindness. It was many, many years ago, my kids are 15 and 13 now. But it was a tough time. Now I can talk about it and I work with mothers who have lost babies as a volunteer. But I really feel for men in this situation too...it isn't that they don't feel anything, they just feel differently and deal with it differently and don't know how to express their sadness to their wives. Thought I have never asked him, I am pretty sure someone gave my husband the idea for the birthstones...but I am grateful for whoever did and grateful that he listened.


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## Anabel (Dec 21, 2012)

I understand your wife's reaction and also agree with the women above who have been through this. I would personally leave out altogether the suggestion that she may be depressed. It might come across that you believe her feelings are excessive or not natural. They are very very natural and are not without logic: On top of everything else she may be worried now that it could be difficult for her to have a child, therefore she wants to get started trying *right away*. 

The momentum of pregnancy hormones is a force to be reckoned with too. She got her heart, mind and body set on this. Also in my opinion, as far as preparation goes, there is never a perfect time to have a baby, just like there's never a perfect time to get married--to some extent it's always going to be a leap of faith. 

I am not saying your reasons to wait aren't valid, and if you have real misgivings you shouldn't have a child. Your wife's reasoning is just as strong though. 
Good luck.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

I'm going to say for the record, that I have been there, since everyone keeps saying to listen to those who have been there. I've been in your wife's situation, and while I don'thave a child now, I completely accept that my husband wasn't ready to try right away, and he understood that I truly needed to heal on my own and a replacement baby wasn't going to take away the pain of what was lost.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

Also, if he needs to see this through her eyes, she needs to see it through his. He isn't ready and shouldn't be forced or guilted into having a child. That's a recipe for resentment. She married someone a few years younger, he isn't to the place in his life that she is. There could even be deeper emotions that he is struggling with after the loss. Marriage is compromise, and that's what needs to be done. If it can't be done, walk away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Tikii said:


> I'm going to say for the record, that I have been there, since everyone keeps saying to listen to those who have been there. I've been in your wife's situation, and while I don'thave a child now, I completely accept that my husband wasn't ready to try right away, and he understood that I truly needed to heal on my own and a replacement baby wasn't going to take away the pain of what was lost.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, Tikii, I know you have also had miscarriages, and that you have been dealing with infertility for years. (No, that isn't a slam, so please don't take it that way). Tikii, some women need that time to heal on their own, like you did. For SOME, that healing comes from having a child right away. My healing came that way. It isn't hard to believe that the OP's wife is like me. But, to be fair, it is equally likely that she is "just" depressed over the whole situation and never fully dealt with it. I agree that she should get some counseling to see which side of this she is on. 



Tikii said:


> Also, if he needs to see this through her eyes, she needs to see it through his. He isn't ready and shouldn't be forced or guilted into having a child. That's a recipe for resentment. She married someone a few years younger, he isn't to the place in his life that she is. There could even be deeper emotions that he is struggling with after the loss. Marriage is compromise, and that's what needs to be done. If it can't be done, walk away.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, marriage is compromise. My suggestion, and that of others in this thread, was that the OP possibly come up with a timetable for his wife, to put her at ease that he DOES want children and that he is NOT just putting her off. But when people come on here and say "DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS WOMAN!", it is quite off-putting. Her feelings are JUST as legitimate as his. Yes, she needs to take his feelings into account. But he also needs to take her feelings to heart. It's true, he shouldn't be forced or guilted into having children if he isn't ready... but at the same time, she shouldn't be forced to wait indefinitely.

Tikii, you specifically mentioned the age difference in the above post. I don't think it is necessarily the AGE that puts them in the same place or different places, but their priorities. That isn't necessarily age related. my husband is 6 years younger than I am, and was more mature at 19 than most 25 year olds I knew. He is 6 years younger than I am and we have been in the same place from the start. That is likely WHY, when I said "I don't want to wait", he replied, "no problem"...and our child was conceived right away.


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