# agreeing for the affair to continue



## flumoxed (Jan 1, 2013)

We have been married for nearly 8 yrs and have 2 gorgeous kids aged 3 and 4. Just over a month ago I found out he was starting an affair. I had my suspicions something was going on and when he made a sudden announcement he was off to visit a friend that lives 3 hrs away I knew it was real. I called him and he admitted it but refused to come home, he said it was just sex and something he "needed to do" he was away the whole weekend and I went out of my mind. I know who she is - the old friend found thru facebook story.

When he came home he told me he now had feelings for her and he wouldn't stop seeing her whenever he could. He was away 3 times in December and did a lastminute flit to see her on new years eve, he's back tonight but away again this weekend.

He is a house husband and the kids main caregiver, i work in a demanding full time job and although I earn good money, we are in a mountain of debt, there is no way i could afford childcare.

so here's the tricky bit: he says he doesn't love me but has love for me, we are both terrified of any negative impact on the kids, he says he doesn't want to live with her cos it's too far from the kids, he want to stay at home. He says we can continue our life as it always has been (sex included - we have had more sex than ever since this started!) he refers to her as his girlfriend and is calling and texting constantly - he make no effort to hide it. and he will go and see her as much as he can. We have family holidays and social things planned which he says we will carry on with.

I never realised how much I love him and it hurts so much and I think if I read this i would say kick the [email protected] out but I simply don't know what to do. I think that this whole thing will fizzle out, he will realise what he has done and our life can go on.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He "needs to" have a girlfriend but he doesn't "need to" get a job? Don't you deserve better?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Is the OW married or have a boyfriend?

There are tactics to make the affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible.1) expose the affair 2) cut him off and quit finacing hos hook ups 3) do a 180 and show him the indifference he diserves for his actions.

Fight this and stop being a door mat cuz you diserve good things.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Exposure especially on the OW side (like informing OW parent what is going on and asking for there support for your marriage...and maybe even OW own marriage) and making it more uncomfortable for OW. Maybe her prize won't be worth the effort once the affair is exposed.

Informing your wayward husbands parent and again asking for there support for your marriage will also make it uncomfortable.

You best bet is to expose this for what it is and thatyou are looking for support and want you marriage but.......


See the number one rule is getting the affair partner out of the picture completely so do what you can by making it inconvienet...cut off the funding and stop all joint accounts.

Put a password on your computer router and turn his cell off.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You may believe that he will get this 'out of his system' and then come back to you as a faithful husband, but he's traumatizing and disrespecting you to such a degree that it can't possibly happen that way. Even if he 'comes back,' you will have to deal with the loss of trust, the pain of infidelity & the actual fact that he could very well do this any time he feels like it because you were OK with it now.

He sounds like he believes he has a right to do this. He has declared an open marriage for himself. You need to stop being his doormat. You may feel love for him, but you now love a different person; you love the old 'him.'

I would go to a lawyer ASAP and kick him out now. Tell him today that he doesn't get to have his girlfriend and you in a marriage.

He's made his choice, it seems. Please tell him to go.


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

Wake up! 
He doesn't love you!! He said so himself!

He is now having sex with someone else and won't move in with her because she lives too far away. But, your worried about the children?!?!

Soooo, why don't you discuss having an open marriage? Then, you can start having sex with someone bigger and better than your hubby. I'll bet he won't like sharing his marital bed with another man.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

This will not fizzle out, it will get stronger and OW will take him in and you will lose him anyway. 

YOU CAN AND MUST MAKE THIS AFFAIR INCONVIENENT AND UNCOMFORTABLE by cutting off the sex (get an STD test done) cut him out emotionally and cut him out finacially.

Sure I understand you love him, I love my cheating wife too, but you don't have to take this lying down and tolorate these cheats bull crap.

Once I started to show the tough love to my cheating wife she began to slowlly come out of the fantasy fog. Cuz thats all this really is ...a fantasy.

Stop letting your house husband have his cake and eat it to. 

he has your number, so show him different and do a 180

Have some self respect girl...you and me don't diserve this treatment.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Silverlining said:


> Wake up!
> He doesn't love you!! He said so himself!
> 
> He is now having sex with someone else and won't move in with her because she lives too far away. But, your worried about the children?!?!
> ...


I agree with this all the way.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

So, you have a mountain of debt, your husband stays at home and he is openly sleeping with another woman. He is also terrified over the idea of his kids having their lives ruined. Well, whatever you decide to do is up to you. But make it clear to him that if this marriage ends, the repercussions that the kids feel will be on his head - not yours.

OP, you have the power here. He is a SAHD. He has little value to offer any woman if he ever has to go out to find another mate. Exercise your power. Assuming you are still indecisive and want time to evaluate your next move, at least tell your husband it's time for him to get a job. If he has time to fvck another woman, he has time to work. Then continue to take away from him everything that he takes for granted because YOU provide it to him. Put all of the money YOU earn and put him on an allowance. As long as he wants to disrespect you like he does, then he can be the live-in nanny. I don't know if this will get him to come back to you, but if you throw some reality into his life he may realize that you are what he really wants the most.

I would never put up with this, but if you feel you must, you need to let him know that him texting his GF out in the open is a huge slap in your face and he at least should not do it in front of you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> I agree with this all the way.


You are hurting, when my wife told me she was going to have an affair, but that she still loved me, I felt as if I wanted to be dead. Somehow we got through it and her affair ended.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Ask yourself why is the OW willing to share him with you?

Also he's now gone on weekends so much that it will impact the family and the children. You're no longer married with a partner, you are now living with a during the week care giver for your kids, and you are a single parent on the weekends.

What about vacations and what about who is paying for him to take her places and buy her gifts?

You're bascially a single parent who is paying for her former SO to date and vacation with another woman.

you work so he can play.

why would you do that to yourself? Would you want something that humiliating for any of your kids?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You are in a mess. And sorry to add to your hurt, but here it is:

You, the both of you, are being horrible parents. Yes Horrible. 

Your 4 year old is watching very carefully. She is forming her future attitudes about how to love. How to interact with people. How to establish relationships. 

NO she is not "too young" for that. Not at all. 

He is putting his selfish needs above you and you accept it. You don't like it, you don't necessarily approve of it, but you ACCEPT it. 

You are allowing a vile, unemployed, idiot to teach your children morals by his actions. 

You are showing your children that it is acceptable to (a) leech off other peoples hard work (they'll love collecting welfare - it's a mindset) (b) treat their relationships/friends/ future lovers with disrespect (they will wander from failed relationship to failed relationship)

Grab hold of your inner person, the one who knows right from wrong. 

To hell with the debts - don't put money over the welfare of your babies. 

Leaves his worthless ass today. If not for yourself respect then for your babies.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Never make someone a priority who is only making you an option.
So what if you get divorced?
You can split the debt with him, walk away from the house if you need to, downsize and get a nanny.
I don't really see how this situation could possibly be good for the children. So at some point when they are approaching adulthood or adolescence they will realize what the situation is, and how long it's been going on, and they will think that their parents were .... amazing? 
OK. I suppose you have different ideas about raising kids, where the semblance of family emotional security and the semblance of financial integrity is better than the real thing. If you want to teach your kids how to live a lie, this is a really great opportunity for you :-|
I can see how giving up good sex would be a problem.
But it's likely you won't go too long without it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

A real man supports his family. A real husband is faithful. Not sure what you have over there or how it could be adding anything to your life but misery.


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## flumoxed (Jan 1, 2013)

I guess I'm still in so much pain I can't think straight.

His "girlfriend" is single with grown up kids, she has told her whole family about the situation and they are supporting her, she is desperate to expose it to my side too so she can get to keep him. she is desperate for him to move in with her. I haven't told any friends or family cos they will disown him straight away and make life too uncomfortable so he will just leave anyway.

What she doesn't know however is that we still sleep in the same bed, have sex all the time and cuddle on the sofa most nights. I'm debating telling her but he said he will leave if I do and they are so infatuated with eachother she would probably forgive him and make their relationship stronger.

I am being a doormat but maybe for now until I'm over the shock this is how I need to handle it. When I'm with him I feel relaxed but whenever he is with her I go through hell.

He said she will pay for his visits if I cut him off financially, I hate her so much, it's taken all my strength not to go and kick her head in!

I flit between trying to be strong and making myself look and feel good and being a complete emotional wreck - there was a proposal at work yesterday and i totally lost it!


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

flumoxed said:


> I never realised how much I love him and it hurts so much and I think if I read this i would say kick the [email protected] out but I simply don't know what to do. I think that this whole thing will fizzle out, he will realise what he has done and our life can go on.


If you have even the slightest bit of self respect for yourself, you would tell him to get the F**k out of your house and let the chips fall where they may. How in the world can you respect yourself if he shows you no respect. Doing it for the kids is not a good enough reason to to allow him to treat you like sh1t.

Get a good Lawyer, take your husband to the cleaners and let him have his b1tch.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think if you came here to find a workable plan for living with your status quo, you won't get any helpful advice.

This is very sad to read what your H has reduced you to. You have sex with him and 'cuddle' on the couch? And he openly phones and texts with his lady love? And takes off when he feels like it to see her and sleep with her?

My pride and self-respect would never permit that & that isn't false pride. It's a healthy sense of self that models good things for any children in a marriage.

You should stop cuddling and tell him to pack his bags and go to her. If he wants her so badly, he can have her. Life goes on. It truly does.


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

You will ever be able to compete with the OW. They are in the new and exciting phase where everything is rainbows and unicorns. In other words, they are living in fantasyland. You can not compete with the fantasy he has of her built up in his head. 

The best way to break this fantasy bubble is to go nuclear. 

Put a Stop to him contacting her in the marital home. Does he pay for the internet access? If not, put a password on the Router/wifi. Put a block on his cell phone so he can't text or call her. better yet, since he doesn't work he shouldn't need a cell phone. How is he getting to her house?

Kick his ass out!! That's the soonest way he'll come crawling back. 

Separate finances and cancel all credit cards immediately. Expose him to all friends and family and ask them to contact him with their condemnations.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Yes to what everyone else here has said. Plus I'm thinking that your self-esteem is very, very low, and you could benefit from some individual counseling. You'd also benefit from the amazing feeling you will get when you kick this a$$hole out!!


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Simple. Stop giving him any money. You pay for everything family related but he gets nothing. Let him figure out how to finance his own affairs. Stop being sugar mama.

Do you know what the 180 is?


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## flumoxed (Jan 1, 2013)

what is the 180?


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

flumoxed said:


> what is the 180?


In a nutshell, being polite to your husband but nothing more. Live your life without him. Stop having sex. Stop cuddles. Do not engage in conversation beyond answering questions and that needed to get vital information over.

You must be in such awful pain; I cannot imagine it.

Please get some self respect back and do the "180" at least. He is using you in the worst way possible. This is worse than physical abuse in my view as the scars may never heal.

Get legal advice first but you either need to remove him from your life, or you from his until this is sorted one way or the other.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

flumoxed said:


> I guess I'm still in so much pain I can't think straight.
> 
> His "girlfriend" is single with grown up kids, she has told her whole family about the situation and they are supporting her, she is desperate to expose it to my side too so she can get to keep him. she is desperate for him to move in with her. I haven't told any friends or family cos they will disown him straight away and make life too uncomfortable so he will just leave anyway.
> 
> ...


Stop wasting energy on the OW, she's not your problem, your husband is the problem.
He took vows with you, he has children with you, the OW owes you nothing, so re-direct your anger towards the person who truly deserves it, your husband. 
Do the 180, find your self esteem, know your self worth & kick his worthless ass out of your house.
Your husband is not only sexually cheating on you, he's emotionally cheating on you as well, as he's in love with someone else.
You can't nice him out of this affair, but do what you can to protect yourself & your kids.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

This is what I would do. Go bankrupt, let her have him because eventually he's going to do to her what he's doing to you now. Tell him GTFO and get child care, a divorce and move on.

Bankruptcy only lasts 7 years on your credit. Better than a lifetime with a selfish pr!ck who only thinks of himself and no one else.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

If you value yourself and your babies you will have a 'conversation' with him before he leaves for the weekend. 

But first make sure your health insurance is paid up. You might need it when you go to the hospital to get your foot removed from his ass.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

flumoxed said:


> I guess I'm still in so much pain I can't think straight.
> 
> 
> He said she will pay for his visits if I cut him off financially


Wow flumoxed,I'm so sorry for your pain,but it's time for you to get majorly p*ssed off and most of the focus should be on your husband and not entirely the OW.He's the one who made vows to you.

Also,if she's going to pay then let her pay.Cut him off financially or you're just supporting his infidelity....make it harder not easier.

Be strong and take care.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Let the OW pay for the transportation. I agree with everything stated above. Eventually she will stop paying because the honeymoon phase will end. There is nothing less attractive than a man who cannot financially support himself when he has the means to.

I would recommend a serious conversation in which you state your feelings assertively. He needs to at least know that his weekend visits are not okay and will NOT be tolerated in the future.

You cannot stop your husband from having an affair. You CAN make it very difficult for him to do so and you CERTAINLY don't have to pay for it, absent a court order.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

flumoxed said:


> what is the 180?


Also;
No more "I love you" (the oppisite of love is indifference)

Stop sharing your feeling with the wayward (they don't care about them anyway)

Exclude them from your day to day activities.

Emotionaly distancing your self.

Stop supporting and enabling the cheating


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Go get a STD test done. If the OW knows your H is married, then she doesn't have the moral compase to use protection in her rotation of men.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

What in the hell does this POS have that has 2 women clamoring over him?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Let her have him.
Trust me, your H just likes to have a woman on the side.
If it's not her it will be someone else.
You'll fight the same battle over and over again.
And when your kids start school, he'll have even more time, and can have the women over to the house. Next thing, they'll be in your bed suggesting you join them. And since you're so willing to accept the current situation, he might actually wear you down til you accept that too.
I don't understand why one pen*s is worth so much trouble to a woman. You can always get another one that comes with a better warranty. If this other woman will support his visits, maybe she'll pay his child support, too.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Go out on the town, let him babysit, ask him where is condoms are and borrow a few.

You are using condoms with him right? You are slepping with him, his girl ho and everyone she has been with.

Stop giving him money for anything. When he leaves again change the locks. Anyone can do that with a screwdriver, your family will help.

Turn off his phone, password protect yours.

Are you thinking what he is already doing to your kids. Are you thinking about what you are teaching your kids to do in hard times.

What would you tell your kids if they were in this situation.

With inaction, you are creating as much damage as your........manho. Why on earth would you want to be with a kept man anyway?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The Healing Heart: The 180

Here is a link. Its copyrighted and cannot be posted.

Good luck and God bless you


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

He said she will pay for his visits if I cut him off financially

Atleast she will see him for the leech he is


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Cool. Then cut him off. Print out the 180 and read it daily. Post it where you can see it at work. Don't let your husband read it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

flumoxed said:


> what is the 180?


See the link in my signature block below.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband will keep the two of you on the line as long as he can. Having two women fighting over him has uped his value as a man in his own little pea brain. He has two women bending over backwards to meet all of his needs. You even had children for him and take care of him financially. This other woman is promising to take care of him financially as well.

Does he have an extended family? If so tell them what he has been doing.


As long as you keep doing what you are doing the affair will continue. The best way to end the affair is to tell your husband to not come back if he goes there this weekend or has any further contact with her. Let him go there and let her support him. This will put a lot of pressure on her to put out money and to meet all of his emotional needs… to include the ones that you meet. It will not be long before she kicks him to the curb. 

Then you file for bankruptcy and divorce. What car is he driving? I assume each of you have a car? Let the car he is driving go in the bankruptcy. That way you are only paying for the car that you use.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Dear Flumoxed.
I am so sorry you are here and you have already received some excellent advice. It all may look very harsh and difficult, but I can assure you that it is the best way to even begin to get your life back.
The life you get back will never be the same again. No matter what happens. 

This will not fizzle out. He is getting attached to this single lady. You need to act and act fast! 


You are still in denial. Anger is next and it is amazingly powerful if directed at recovering YOUR life and the financial security of the kids. 
Whatever happens now you are going to have a loss of the lifestyle that you have now. 
This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it will require you to look at your wants and needs independent of his. 
How do you want to live?
What would you change in your life. 
What about yourself do you not like?
What have you wanted to do for a while but because of other pressures have not done?
Think about those and act on them..

Tip..
Start with a haircut and some new clothes.


Money. You are the breadwinner and he is caring for the kids, your going to have to crack open a spreadsheet and work out how you are going to manage without his support in the childcare area. 

In the short term you may like to consider giving him housekeeping money. In cash. Cut off all credit cards and close the joint account.

You may also like to point out to his addled little brain that he is going to lose access to his kids half the time if he chooses to continue this affair. 

Sex. Er no. Your need to detach as fast as you can and sex is going to hurt you and hurt you badly .
He needs to move out of your room and sleep on the couch. 

Personally I would kick his ass out the door and change the locks, but that's just me.



The timeline for choosing to end is about 5 nanoseconds. Oops. Too late. Go to her. 

This may seem counter-intuitive but it is your best chance to kill the affair. It is fantasy and he has unilaterally decided to make your marriage open. You are saying no. That is fair and reasonable not controlling

Once again I am so sorry for the pain you are in. Many of us have been through it and have come out the other side. 
In my opinion and most on this site your marriage is worth fighting for and you will get support here in that..

More helpful hints:
He is going to lie to your face. When he looks in to your eyes directly he is lying. When he opens his mouth he will be lying to you.

Pass lock your computer and phone. Do this now. 
Do not tell him about this site.
Do not let on about the advice given here. just do it. 
Get ANGRY.
Exercise. This removes the toxins from the used up adrenalin in your system and makes you tired enough to sleep.
Eat oily fish. The Omega 3 helps to reduce stress.
GET ANGRY!

Stay with us.. This is going to be a rollercoaster.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Flumox opened a new thread. 
Go here to reply and updates..


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

flumoxed said:


> What she doesn't know however is that we still sleep in the same bed, have sex all the time and cuddle on the sofa most nights. I'm debating telling her but he said he will leave if I do and they are so infatuated with eachother she would probably forgive him and make their relationship stronger.
> 
> He said she will pay for his visits if I cut him off financially, I hate her so much, it's taken all my strength not to go and kick her head in!


To the first item - If a cheater say "Don't do a thing", that absolutely means you should do it. See, cheaters fear the AP getting blow-back and cheaters fear-the AP wanting to dump them. 

Your husband has given you a clear clue about at least one thing he fears - there for you should go ahead and do it. Don't threaten to do it, don't use it as a bargaining chip - DO IT.

Second item - OK, then cut him off. You'll see just how happy she is supporting him. Oh sure they'll make a show of it initially, but you're trashing his sex rank, and attractiveness, big time by making her pay for him.

See, it reduces him to a paid toy and that isn't something that either of them are going to like much in the long run. It also reduces his value a man/provider since he can't even provide for himself.


So - expose the sex to her - heck even send a audio recording of you two doing it, make sure you play the part well for the tape. 

Also cut him off financially. why should you pay for your husband's cheating?


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## goyard (Jan 3, 2013)

Similar story to my parents. My mom found out that my dad had an affair. INitially he said it was nothing just casual. He is now with that GIRL! After all these years, he finally talked to me about it and said that he was very insecure that my mom was the provider and that he resulted in the affair. FOr what it is worth, I do hope you decide on the right thing. Then again, if he wants out.. i guess you will just have to accept it. YOu wouldnt want to force anyone in a relation! HOpe all goes well!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

flumoxed said:


> We have been married for nearly 8 yrs and have 2 gorgeous kids aged 3 and 4. Just over a month ago I found out he was starting an affair. I had my suspicions something was going on and when he made a sudden announcement he was off to visit a friend that lives 3 hrs away I knew it was real. I called him and he admitted it but refused to come home, he said it was just sex and something he "needed to do" he was away the whole weekend and I went out of my mind. I know who she is - the old friend found thru facebook story.
> 
> When he came home he told me he now had feelings for her and he wouldn't stop seeing her whenever he could. He was away 3 times in December and did a lastminute flit to see her on new years eve, he's back tonight but away again this weekend.
> 
> ...


This is gross and disgusting. How dare him expect you to accept this. What an a$$hole, I cannot believe you are putting up with this. Kick him out and be done.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

flumoxed said:


> I guess I'm still in so much pain I can't think straight.
> 
> His "girlfriend" is single with grown up kids, she has told her whole family about the situation and they are supporting her, she is desperate to expose it to my side too so she can get to keep him. she is desperate for him to move in with her. I haven't told any friends or family cos they will disown him straight away and make life too uncomfortable so he will just leave anyway.
> 
> ...



WOW! JUST WOW!! I have made a moutain of mistakes in my relationship with my WH and we are not on the best of terms BUT everytime I have found he had contact with the other woman and had proof of it...he was GONE!! I dont see how you can hear him say he loves her, know he's screwing her and talking to her and that he wants to be with her YET you are cuddling with him and having sex with him. That has to be adding way more pain to the situation. 

I can say that when my WH was gone from the house I continued to have sex with him, it was a sick gratification I got from knowing he was "with" her but cheating on her. Totally sick way of thinking but it was my mindset then. BUT he never lived in the house while he was KNOWINGLY doing all this and thinking all this about her!

Its very disturbing!!

BTW I havent read the read of the postings so I hope by the time I come to the end you've opened your eyes and realized this is SICK!! He's sick and you are letting him do this to you!


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

flumoxed said:


> His "girlfriend" is single with grown up kids, she has told her whole family about the situation and they are supporting her,
> 
> she is desperate for him to move in with her.
> 
> ...


How do you know all of this, your husband told you? The attraction she feels for him will drop dramatically when his jodless ass ends up on her doorstep permanently instead of yours. He'll be begging to come back within a week. Call his bluff now.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

My wife did something similar.

We struggled to get over it, but we did, eventually. But it wasn't easy.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I cannot believe he had the gall to say that he would allow her to finance his visits with her (if you cut him off), but then tries to use your children as a reason to stay together. Seriously!? What a load of crap! For God's sakes if you can't put your foot down for yourself, do it for your children. I'm sure you don't want your kids at her house on weekends too, and sadly if you keep on going like this, that may very well be what happens.


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