# Seeking Advice



## secondplanet (Sep 4, 2014)

My wife and I have been married for going on 9 years now, we have had our differences but always loved each other and cared for each other, I have a physical disability and she had Bi-polar and BPD. We complement each other as she does the heavy lifting and i take care of paperwork and bills. 

But i feel our marriage is on a downhill slope, she seems to have distanced herself from me and only wants to be around our daughter that she had with a previous relationship. She has even come out and said she would rather hang our with her (Our eldest daughter is 20) then me cause she feels closer to her.

That really cut deep when she said that as i thought we had each other. I have tried everything i can to take any extra stress off her by taking out the trash/recycling and cooking and cleaning as much as i can. I have even taking to mowing the lawn cause it helps her (but puts a bad toll on me health wise) 

I love my wife with all my heart and never want to see her sad but i don't know what more i can do to help her as she won't even talk to me about any issues she has. Our love life has long since died even after compromise after compromise leading up to a vasectomy (we had 1 child together) at her request as she didn't want more kids and if anything our love life died even more.

I just mainly wanted someone to rant to and thank anyone who is there to listen and any help would be greatly appreciated.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

MC and IC (therapy)? Many of us need help with relationship issues, and with disorders...welp, one needs all the help available (I have BPD as well).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My first thought was "Are you speaking your wife's 'Love Language', or are you doing the things that YOU would like to see as an indication that you're loved?" Have your read the book "The 5 Love Languages"?

My second thought was to ask if your wife is in therapy and/or in treatment for her disorders?

C


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## kennethk (Feb 18, 2014)

Bi-polar & BPD sucks.

add drinking and an anger management problem and weeeeeee.
No fun.

Can you get her to see a good therapist? Perhaps you both can go?

I bet she isn't the only one with issues.

I threatened divorce if mine didn't stop drinking.
I guess she does love me because she stopped cold. Its been 4 years.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

secondplanet said:


> I have even taking to mowing the lawn cause it helps her (but puts a bad toll on me health wise)
> 
> I love my wife with all my heart and never want to see her sad but i don't know what more i can do to help her as she won't even talk to me about any issues she has.
> 
> *Our love life has long since died *even after compromise after compromise leading up to a vasectomy (we had 1 child together) at her request as she didn't want more kids and if anything our love life died even more.


Sounds like your wife stopped caring altogether. Check to see if she has met someone else (without letting her know). Check her emails / mobile phone records etc. 

Once the relationship gets to that sort of state, the only way is out. You can try to improve things but it needs to take two and it sounds like she's cut you out altogether. Re-learn to protect yourself and re-learn to care and love yourself if she doesn't care. To be honest, taking rubbish out, cutting grass for her isn't going to make her love you again. It sounds like a bad cliche but life can be much better without that sort of turmoil and anxiety.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

simple, stop making yourself safe. 

stop doing everything to make her life easier. if she is not reciprocating, why are you continuing? its not working.


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## secondplanet (Sep 4, 2014)

Thank you to everyone for the reply's. While i know she isn't cheating on me i know we have been through rough patches before with our marriage where she gets the idea that i don't care for her anymore and she comes to that assumption on her own without even asking me, Another problem i have is that she keeps seeking council with the neighbors (common laws) who one is a drunk and the other is a hypochondriac.

She does see a councilor and has seen psychiatrist but if anything they are making her feel like everything is about her and no us. Before she got diagnosed we butted heads at times but we loved each other with all our hearts, its just seems like ever since she got this diagnosis she has changed using it as a reason for everything rather then happy she finally got noticed in the medical community. 

For as long as we been together we have had our roles in the relationship that i fill out all forms, online banking and how much we can spend on X or Y and she would wash dished, cook and most physical labor which worked out fine since i was working full time. But now i guess since she's on ODSP and i'm no longer suited to work due to physical health she is questioning everything about the money cause she says its her money and not mine to do with, All the money i got while i worked was the families money and not mine, i passed up a great deal of things i wanted for the family. Just today as we bought some stuff and she was putting the bags in the cart she moved infront of me to see the total. 

Sorry if i sound whiny in all of this as i just miss the woman i fell in love with who has changed into someone else all due to being told she has a mental disorder, I have tried so hard to help her through this but i just feel i'm a convenience to her and not a husband anymore.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

SP, was your W diagnosed by a psychiatrist or psychologist as having full-blown bipolar and BPD? Was it bipolar 1 or 2? I ask because you are not describing the typical behavior of a person suffering from either of those disorders. If you're interested, I describe the differences I've seen in the typical behaviors of BPDers (e.g., my exW) and bipolar-1 sufferers (e.g., my foster son) at 12 Bipolar/BPD Differences. If that discussion rings some bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.


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## secondplanet (Sep 4, 2014)

I can see quite a few things on the list that she matches perfectly for both BPD and Bi Polar. I don't know which bi polar she has but she was diagnosed by both a counselor and her psychiatrist. She suffers from multiple forms of anger progression from snapping at me for something i did a week ago and totally forgot to her getting cut off while driving and wanting to punch the person. 

I did read the part were BPD can cause a person to feel suffocated by their partner and that could be the cause for our lack of physical anything, But at the same time this time of year is really hard on me cause of my physical problems my body is always much hotter then the rest of the house and she doesn't like me to close cause i "radiate" too much heat.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

secondplanet said:


> I can see quite a few things on the list that she matches perfectly for both BPD and Bi Polar.


A substantial share of BPDers suffer from both of those disorders. A recent study (pub. 2008 ) found that 33% of female BPDers have bipolar-1 and 9% have bipolar-2. 



> I don't know which bi polar she has but she was diagnosed by both a counselor and her psychiatrist.


The primary difference between 1 and 2 is that, with bipolar-1, you will see strong manic episodes. Typically, they are so pronounced that the person's behavior will be flamboyant and outrageous. If the mania gets strong enough, the person can slip into psychosis.

If the mania is only mild, you are dealing with bipolar-2. In this case, the mania is so mild that the person will appear to be only in a really good mood. That will alternate with prolonged periods of serious depression. With bipolar-2, then, she would be alternating between "feeling very good" and being seriously depressed.

In both cases -- with 1 and 2 -- the bipolar sufferer may go many months (even a year) without an episode. For most bipolar sufferers, these episodes (i.e., the mania/depression cycle) will occur once or twice a year. "Rapid cycling" is defined as 4 times a year or more. Extreme rapid cycling is possible but very uncommon.



> She suffers from multiple forms of anger progression from snapping at me for something i did a week ago and totally forgot to her getting cut off while driving and wanting to punch the person.


Strong and frequent anger (e.g., temper tantrums) is a warning sign for BPD, not bipolar. Bipolar sufferers can get irritable and "snappy" during a manic episode but they typically do not exhibit the strong anger you will see with BPDer behavior.

I therefore suggest you read my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them in Maybe's Thread. If that discussion raises some questions, I would be happy to try to answer them. Take care, SP.


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