# Ready to leave I think



## Srtx (Sep 14, 2015)

I have a long story/history, but will try to be brief. My marriage has been sexless for the last 5 years and before that it was sporadic and unfullfilling. He always required a bj in order to get an erection and I put my foot down one day and said enough. Now we are just roommates. I've been married 26 years. There have been many signs along the way like avoiding sex when I was pregnant, on trips, our honeymoon even!, etc. I've been stuffing my feelings down telling myself I'm too old, too fat, to change things. We've talked about a mc but haven't done anything about it. I honestly don't think it'll help. I still love him, but I'm miserable. I've been chatting with someone online that tells me all the right things and now suddenly I'm having sex fantasies. I feel guilty, but I'm finally getting the attention I've been desperate for so many years. I think it's time to pull the plug, but ugh it's going to be awful.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

How many children do you have, and how old are they?


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## Srtx (Sep 14, 2015)

One that has graduated HS and is hopefully going to college in the Spring, and 14 yr old.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I can say from experience that divorce is very hard on children, and the younger they are, the worse it is (as a general rule).
If you can stick it out until the 14 year old is out of the house, it would probably be better for him/her.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

I disagree with the "sticking it out" for the kids. Kids are not stupid. They pick up on stuff and you will be creating issues by staying in a crappy relationship.....for the kids.

You may not want a broken family, but it is already broken. Anyone who thinks the teenager does not see this is fooling themselve.

You have to decide how important this is to you. I was also in a near sexless marriage and chose to leave after I discovered he was giving it to everyone but me. If this is a deal breaker for you then go. If you get enough out of the room mate situation then stay.

Only you can decide..

I am sorry you are here.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Perhaps he's got a porn problem?

Perhaps he's got low testosterone?

Perhaps he's not attracted to your physical appearance?

Perhaps your personality annoys him?

Could be a million things but you've only provided a smattering of easily mis-interpret-able problems. 

My advice….don't be a POS adulterer and get into MC, now. 

……..then if MC fails, divorce, and THEN get your jollies with another man.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Srtx said:


> I have a long story/history, but will try to be brief. My marriage has been* sexless for the last 5 years and before that it was sporadic and unfullfilling.* He always required a bj in order to get an erection and *I put my foot down one day and said enough. Now we are just roommates.* I've been married 26 years. There have been many signs along the way like avoiding sex when I was pregnant, on trips, our honeymoon even!, etc. I've been stuffing my feelings down telling myself *I'm too old, too fat, to change things.* *We've talked about a mc but haven't done anything about it.* I honestly don't think it'll help. *I still love him, but I'm miserable.* I've been chatting with someone online that tells me all the right things and now suddenly I'm having sex fantasies. *I feel guilty, but I'm finally getting the attention I've been desperate for so many years.* I think it's time to pull the plug, but ugh it's going to be awful.


My suggestion, based on what you posted is to stop the emotional affair and get yourself and your spouse to marriage counseling with a sex therapist ASAP, if you still love the guy, as you said.

I would also suggest that you read the M W Davis book the Sex Starved Marriage. Then, stand in front of a mirror and ask yourself what part of this failed marriage do you own. Then work on changing yourself, getting a life, and ultimately doing 180's to get your H's attention. Then give him the love he needs and support he needs to allow himself to change.

In my sex starved marriage my wife was angry with me and I with her. The first thing I changed about me was to drop the anger, as it did not help one bit. Ultimately I learned how to give unconditional love and that really changed things. You are capable of incredible change, you just have to want it enough. 

Good luck.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Tell your H you're having an online "relationship" with someone who makes you feel sexually desired. Tell him if he wants you to stop, you two need to see a sex therapist. If he refuses, you have your answer.


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## Srtx (Sep 14, 2015)

Truth is, I buried my desires and need for sex because it hurt too much to think about. Now someone comes along that does want me and it's all I can think about. We have never communicated about sex. For some reason it's embarrassing for either one of us to talk about. He has ED, THIS I know. I've tried talking to him about it, but he will not get help for it. Prescription drugs for his back and heavy drinking has compounded the problem, but the dry spell existed before all that. I used to go all out trying to seduce and pleasure him, but I finally said no more to the BJs. He never reciprocated and his foreplay has always sucked. There has been countless times I've given him a bj only for him to leave me hanging. When I put my foot down to the BJs, the sex stopped period. I always felt like I had to ***** myself out just to have subpar sex. Maybe I do have my answer and I will say this..he WILL absolutely regret losing me. I've put up with a lot of ****, more than any wife ever should have to and if whoring myself out for him is the only way to have sex, then no thanks. I don't get how anyone here could think that's ok! I've stayed with him because he's a good provider, a good father, and trust me, he doesn't do porn or other women. I watch more porn than he does. My battery operated bf isn't cutting it anymore for me.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

I don't recommend this except in circumstances where one spouse has been perennially cut off from sex by the other spouse and drags their feet to doing anything about it. When you boil it down the foot dragging is usually due to laziness and giving little priority to the other spouse.
You may consider this discrete no strings thing on the side. If you can do it, and few can, without much emotional attachment beyond friendship, such an arrangement can work. Your not "whoring yourself out". Youre seeking to fulfill a basic human need the man you married refuses to do. Of course disloyalty is involved but in many ways he's disloyal to you by ignoring his problem. I've known a number of situations such as yours where the LD, ED, no interest husbands have agreed to such arrangement.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

I think the whoring herself she was referring to were the BJ's to get subpar sex. I think, it's hard to follow. OP seems very worked up


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## Srtx (Sep 14, 2015)

Sorry, if my post was hard to follow. What I meant was by giving him BJs for sex, to me that is equal to whoring myself out.


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## Srtx (Sep 14, 2015)

Yeah, I did get worked up. Lol. Especially after reading a post saying there wasn't anything wrong with the BJs. The BJs are what led to my sexless marriage so it gets me pretty riled up. Funny, there was no preview of that when we were dating, in fact quite the opposite. Once I gave birth, it all went downhill.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Srtx said:


> Yeah, I did get worked up. Lol. Especially after reading a post saying there wasn't anything wrong with the BJs. The BJs are what led to my sexless marriage so it gets me pretty riled up. Funny, there was no preview of that when we were dating, in fact quite the opposite. Once I gave birth, it all went downhill.


So, what we read was that your hubby needed oral stimulation to get an erection. There really isn't anything wrong with that, you could substitute manual stim with a little lube if it's a problem for you. 

We also read he's basically a crappy self centered lover after he gets an erection. There are all sorts of things wrong with that!:grin2:

I'm sorry your sex life sucks so bad. Have you told him he is a buffoon in bed?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

anonmd said:


> So, what we read was that your hubby needed oral stimulation to get an erection. There really isn't anything wrong with that, you could substitute manual stim with a little lube if it's a problem for you.
> 
> We also read he's basically a crappy self centered lover after he gets an erection. There are all sorts of things wrong with that!:grin2:
> 
> I'm sorry your sex life sucks so bad. Have you told him he is a buffoon in bed?


Agreed with all of this. 

Since you said you two can't communicate well about sex, it sounds to me like you haven't given it enough of a real try to fix the problem. Before throwing in the towel you need to try counseling, in particular with a sex therapist. 

How did you meet your online friend?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Srtx said:


> Especially after reading a post saying there wasn't anything wrong with the BJs. The BJs are what led to my sexless marriage so it gets me pretty riled up.


Basically your old man is a lazy lover ("lover" being highly exaggerated) who wants to be serviced with little effort on his part. In the meantime, he has all the comforts of home. 
Exercise your option. No need for you to give up "that" part of your life because he's to lazy to do anything about it. Find somebody to take what he's rejecting. If your very careful and discreet, it will not necessarily damage your marriage, beyond its present state, or reputations.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Srtx said:


> Sorry, if my post was hard to follow. What I meant was by giving him BJs for sex, to me that is equal to whoring myself out.


I see two issues...

1 - You have a bad attitude about sex. I think many women on TAM would feel insulted since they gladly give their husbands BJ's just because yet they don't view themselves as *****s.

2 - If this has been going on for a long time, could it be because, as you mentioned, it wasn't discussed enough? If he left you hanging or his foreplay wasn't up to your standards did you sulk and avoid the embarrassing discussion or did you address it right away?


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Young at Heart said:


> My suggestion, based on what you posted is to stop the emotional affair and get yourself and your spouse to marriage counseling with a sex therapist ASAP, if you still love the guy, as you said.


Good advice. IF...the other person WANTS to go to counseling with a sex therapist. I'm guessing he wants not part of that after 26 years of what he probably considers normal. You can't make people change.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> *Tell your H you're having an online "relationship" with someone who makes you feel sexually desired*. Tell him if he wants you to stop, you two need to see a sex therapist. If he refuses, you have your answer.


I was in (and according to my cheating ex the cause of) a low frequency marriage, and will staunchly suggest that making her H feel even more inadequate is going to compound the problem, not trigger him to finally do something about it.

My advice to OP:

1) end the emotional affar now!
2) drop the resentment - you are not in fact superior to your H, he is your equal
3) ask him to drop the resentment towards you, so that you may start to build the mutual respect back up again
4) seek marital counselling, but only once you actually have faith in the possibility of a fulfilling marriage together (when you have an unfulfilled need it becomes the highest priority which you will do anything to meet - but if you reread your opening paragraph all it boils down to is his inability to have good blood flow into his penis - would you honesty think less of a person whom you love and chose to spend the rest of your life together because of ONE minor physical difficulty?)
5) if you scoff at any of the advice by people suggesting your marriage can be saved, then YOU are the problem in your relationship and you will never find lasting happiness until you can accept it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

@Lon,

I'm sure your suggestion is wisest course to follow. But what happens when he ignores, delays, delays, delays.... Sometimes people need a firecracker to go off before they DO SOMETHING!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> @Lon,
> 
> I'm sure your suggestion is wisest course to follow. But what happens when he ignores, delays, delays, delays.... Sometimes people need a firecracker to go off before they DO SOMETHING!


She spells out clearly what her unfulfillwd need which she wants him to meet is, and if he says he is unwilling to meet it she files for Divorce (but waits for that process to unfold BEFORE checking out emotionally from the relationship). If he says he wants to meet it but delays or struggles, then they see MC to figure out that particular need.

If you can see the pattern I'm trying to paint there, you'll notice what I'm going for is that if the marriage is to end then OPs goal should be for it to be mutually consented upon, and any truly irreconcilable differences be acknowledged either by reason or even through coersion before dropping the wanting sex from another man bomb.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Srtx said:


> Truth is, I buried my desires and need for sex because it hurt too much to think about. Now someone comes along that does want me and it's all I can think about. We have never communicated about sex. For some reason it's embarrassing for either one of us to talk about. He has ED, THIS I know. I've tried talking to him about it, but he will not get help for it. Prescription drugs for his back and heavy drinking has compounded the problem, but the dry spell existed before all that. I used to go all out trying to seduce and pleasure him, but I finally said no more to the BJs. He never reciprocated and his foreplay has always sucked. There has been countless times I've given him a bj only for him to leave me hanging. When I put my foot down to the BJs, the sex stopped period. I always felt like I had to ***** myself out just to have subpar sex. Maybe I do have my answer and I will say this..he WILL absolutely regret losing me. I've put up with
> 
> 
> a lot of ****, more than any wife ever should have to and if whoring myself out for him is the only way to have sex, then no thanks. I don't get how anyone here could think that's ok! I've stayed with him because he's a good provider, a good father, and trust me, he doesn't do porn or other women. I watch more porn than he does. My battery operated bf isn't cutting it anymore for me.


You are letting your libido control your better judgement. Your online promise of better than what you have at home is just a mirage.


Don't fool yourself by losing your moral compass on an awesome piece of a$$ that is solely in your imagination.

Give your husband the speech and walk away. Then, go find your frog...I mean Prince Charming.

Do the honorable thing and end one relationship before getting physical in another!

Good luck because you are going to need it. Keep posting, and let us know how your life is going. Either way you move forward, it is time you find who you really want to be. Try to stay honorable please. You will feel better in the long run.


Bibi


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Lon said:


> I was in (and according to my cheating ex the cause of) a low frequency marriage, and will staunchly suggest that making her H feel even more inadequate is going to compound the problem, not trigger him to finally do something about it.
> 
> My advice to OP:
> 
> ...


Excellent advice Lon, but quite frankly, IMHO, she is too far gone...sigh.
She is at the dreaded point of giving "the speech"...double sigh.


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## Srtx (Sep 14, 2015)

So, let me get this straight... You think it's perfectly ok for him to insist on a bj before sex EVERYTIME because he can't get it up without one?? Unbelievable..
He knew how much I hated it. He didn't care. It's always been about him, always him. I've spent many nights in tears because I hated doing it. He has gotten angry at me for not wanting to, so yeah, it made me feel like a *****. Gee, why don't I just start charging him money for bjs since I'm being forced to perform? THAT was how I was feeling.


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## Srtx (Sep 14, 2015)

I'm willing to go to mc and give it a shot and I've decided to end the emotional affair with my "friend". It's already damaging my feelings around my husband. I don't have a lot of hope our marriage will be saved, but I will be able to say I tried.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Srtx said:


> I'm willing to go to mc and give it a shot and I've decided to end the emotional affair with my "friend". It's already damaging my feelings around my husband. I don't have a lot of hope our marriage will be saved, but I will be able to say I tried.


I honestly think you are just going through the motions Srtx, but I am really glad you are leaving your EA.

Kudos to you for doing that!

Withdrawal from EA is going to be a beach though...we're here if you need help. You will get to a happy place now that you are moving forward to finding a better YOU.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Srtx said:


> So, let me get this straight... You think it's perfectly ok for him to insist on a bj before sex EVERYTIME because he can't get it up without one?? Unbelievable..
> He knew how much I hated it. He didn't care. It's always been about him, always him. I've spent many nights in tears because I hated doing it. He has gotten angry at me for not wanting to, so yeah, it made me feel like a *****. Gee, why don't I just start charging him money for bjs since I'm being forced to perform? THAT was how I was feeling.


I can't speak for anyone else but no, you should not HAVE to blow him every single time you have sex in order for him to get hard. 

I like to try to promote understanding between spouses and while blowing him makes you feel cheap and used I can understand why he might HAVD to be blown to get hard. When you blow him, you are giving very clear signals that you love his penis. Psychologically, he might need that particular attention to feel safe enough to have sex. It makes me wonder if he was ever sexually abused as a child. Boys who were sexually abused can sometimes grow to be very conflicted about their penis. Because a penis can and will respond even against the male's wishes, sexually abused boys have HUGE shame because they responded.

While I understand your anger, because you feel unloved, used and cheap-who wouldn't be angry about feeling that way- his erection difficulty isn't something he can control. Add to that, if he was sexually abused, he will no doubt avoid talking about it to anyone.

So where does this leave you? Are you willing to try to make things better and safe your marriage? He is going to HAVE to get on board and follow through all by himself, but if you follow Lon's advice you are creating a safe environment in which he will be most likely to follow through.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> I can't speak for anyone else but no, you should not HAVE to blow him every single time you have sex in order for him to get hard.
> 
> I like to try to promote understanding between spouses and while blowing him makes you feel cheap and used I can understand why he might HAVD to be blown to get hard. When you blow him, you are giving very clear signals that you love his penis. Psychologically, he might need that particular attention to feel safe enough to have sex. It makes me wonder if he was ever sexually abused as a child. Boys who were sexually abused can sometimes grow to be very conflicted about their penis. Because a penis can and will respond even against the male's wishes, sexually abused boys have HUGE shame because they responded.
> 
> ...


Based on her last comment, she is definitely checked out, and I've never ever seen a woman who is truly checked out like that ever put faith back in her marriage. I think bibi is right, she's too far gone, as sad as it is to see when two people who loved each other so much that they made vows to unite for the rest of their lives together break apart.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Lon said:


> Based on her last comment, she is definitely checked out, and I've never ever seen a woman who is truly checked out like that ever put faith back in her marriage. I think bibi is right, she's too far gone, as sad as it is to see when two people who loved each other so much that they made vows to unite for the rest of their lives together break apart.


Agreed. Doesn't seem to want to work on anything just wants to be told your right and break it off. This one is over


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Srtx said:


> Truth is, I buried my desires and need for sex because it hurt too much to think about. Now someone comes along that does want me and it's all I can think about. We have never communicated about sex. For some reason it's embarrassing for either one of us to talk about. He has ED, THIS I know. I've tried talking to him about it, but he will not get help for it. Prescription drugs for his back and heavy drinking has compounded the problem, but the dry spell existed before all that. I used to go all out trying to seduce and pleasure him, but I finally said no more to the BJs. He never reciprocated and his foreplay has always sucked. There has been countless times I've given him a bj only for him to leave me hanging. When I put my foot down to the BJs, the sex stopped period. I always felt like I had to ***** myself out just to have subpar sex. Maybe I do have my answer and I will say this..he WILL absolutely regret losing me. I've put up with a lot of ****, more than any wife ever should have to and if whoring myself out for him is the only way to have sex, then no thanks. I don't get how anyone here could think that's ok! *I've stayed with him because he's a good provider, a good father*, and trust me, he doesn't do porn or other women. I watch more porn than he does. My battery operated bf isn't cutting it anymore for me.


so, he does provide for you in a very important way, just not in the sex department.

therefore IMO you owe him either to try to resolve matters within the marriage or cut him loose, including his provisions.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

jorgegene said:


> so, he does provide for you in a very important way, just not in the sex department.
> 
> therefore IMO you owe him either to try to resolve matters within the marriage or cut him loose, including his provisions.


She doesn't owe him anything. She does owe herself the resolve to put every last breath into finding a way to have her needs meet within the marriage, but whether it's even possible or not doesnt matter at this point because when you are checked out your resolve is to get away at any cost.

I'm not saying that can't ultimately have a better outcome for either of them. I'm not sure srtx will ultimately be better off or not but I guarantee her H will be, in the long run. Their kids, if they have any, will pay a steep price, but be better off too.


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