# Exposure



## Lemons_ (Sep 10, 2013)

So about a year ago my husband cheated and we went to counseling and we have been working on reconciling. I wasnt comfortable telling anyone what happened before because i was too hurt. My husband was glad that i didnt feel like sharing the story about how he cheated and spend loads of money anyway. So now i feel comfortable about talking about it to my friends and family and i told them what happened and now he is sooooooo upset talking about he can never face the family again and why would i do that to him and he is so embarassed. we might as well split up because i told the secret. I dont feel like i was wrong and i dont think that keeping his cheating a secret was a good idea anyway. what do you guys think?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

As far as I'm concerned, if he doesn't like the exposure, he should have thought about it before he went to bed with another woman. Exposure is the price he has to pay for the gift of reconciliation ... and if he can't take it, then maybe he should leave ... but you did nothing wrong. In fact, it was therapeutic for you; and that's a good thing.



He's just rug sweeping ... don't allow it.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Somebody needs to explain to him that can happen when you go dipping your wick. You just can't do that sort of thing and expect that nobody will ever find out.


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## lovelost2soon (Aug 9, 2014)

He should be embarassed. His actions were inappropriate. Was he embarrased for you? I mean he did cheat on you and make a fool of you while doing so behind your back? If anyone should be embarrassed it should be you. Tell him to get over it.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Too bad for him....people who don't like their crappy behavior exposed to the world should refrain from doing harm to others.

You have done nothing wrong.

Tell him to man up and stop acting like a little boy and face what he has done.

Time for him to start making some real amends and fixing what he has destroyed.

Good luck.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

HE'S EMBARRASSED!!! Good one! 

Let him read the comments above and below. 

Husband has some nerve. :/


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

I am sure he IS embarrassed. But that comes with the territory!  lol

just tell him to get over it.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Remind him that his embarrassment is just a tiny fraction of the pain he caused you. That by discussing it with those close to you, it helps you heal from that pain. If some of that pain transfers back to him through embarrassment he should welcome it, after all it is just the pain he inflicted on you returning to the source.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

exposure is a consequence of an affair. He knew that going in to it. The embarrassment is all on him. Do not let him blame shift that to you. 


Exposing to your friends/family was up to you. That is a support structure of yours and you have every right to tap into that support as you continue to try to heal from this betrayal and work to save your marriage. 

If he wants to D over this, then I have to wonder if your R is real or fake.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Doing what he did gave him the excitement and thrill of the affair before Dday and the consequences now. Tell him the universe has a way of balancing itself out, as he now personally knows. Suggest to him that he learn from this experience and move forward to become a better person. That should eventually remove the sting of exposure.


(but what do I know...)


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, he's embarrassed and he should be. I'm sure he would prefer that no one ever know how hurtful he was. He needs to be held accountable but the issue I have with exposing when you R is that family especially may not be as quick as you are to forgive a cheater. 

Some families do eventually forgive but some don't. You don't always know beforehand how your family will react. Exposing after D is one thing but exposing when you are trying to R can be tricky.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Lemons_ said:


> So about a year ago my husband cheated and we went to counseling and we have been working on reconciling. I wasnt comfortable telling anyone what happened before because i was too hurt. My husband was glad that i didnt feel like sharing the story about how he cheated and spend loads of money anyway. So now i feel comfortable about talking about it to my friends and family and i told them what happened and now he is sooooooo upset talking about he can never face the family again and why would i do that to him and he is so embarassed. we might as well split up because i told the secret. I dont feel like i was wrong and i dont think that keeping his cheating a secret was a good idea anyway. what do you guys think?


1. Exposure us necessary for reconciliation on a host of levels.

2. He has no say whatsoever in the matter.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

I'm know I'm going against the grain here, but how long did you wait to expose??

I'm all for exposure, how much is depending on the situation, but I think exposure should be right away. Waiting a year or two to expose is probably not productive towards a successful R. If you're going to forgive him and R, you can't decide a year later to bring all back up. I had my WW tell everyone I felt needed to know right after D-DAY.

As a BS I don't have a lot of sympathy for the WS here, but I do understand how he feels. The wife and I have been in R for over a year and a half now and I would not bring up her affair to anyone else at this point unless there was a real good reason. We still talk about it but I'm beyond trying to embarrass her at this point. I know most won't again with me here, but that's just me.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

I kinda agree with Harry. Expose to kill the affair, expose to set the record straight if your WS is lying about you, expose to the OMW or OWH for their own edification.

But after counseling and reconciliation? Assuming your H is properly remorseful and truthful about everything, what was the point?


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

It all depends on how the R is going. I found it difficult when friends or family would start gushing about what a great marriage we had, and asking what was our trick for staying in love for 23 years. 

I wanted to scream DENIAL!!!!

Of course we were rug sweeping and in a false R. But I feel exposure is fine whenever either partner thinks it's needed to promote healing. 

Yes, it makes more sense to expose right away. But it shouldn't be taken off the table just because some pages on the calendar were tore off.


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## Lemons_ (Sep 10, 2013)

Philat said:


> I kinda agree with Harry. Expose to kill the affair, expose to set the record straight if your WS is lying about you, expose to the OMW or OWH for their own edification.
> 
> But after counseling and reconciliation? Assuming your H is properly remorseful and truthful about everything, what was the point?


The point was that during the time he cheated i was not comfortable telling my friends and family. If i told them right after it happened all i would hear from most of them would be "leave" "get out of there" "you deserve better"... etc and I didn't want their words to sway my decision to work it out. So waiting a year later to tell them lets them now I have decided to work on my marriage and therefore they have no reason to say "you need to get out of there". Also My husband likes everyone to believe that we are a happy perfect couple with no issues and it made me cringe every time someone said "awww what a amazing husband you have".


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Lemons_ said:


> "awww what a amazing husband you have".




My most cringeworthy moment was when people would tell me how lucky I was to be married to such an amazing woman. 


barf.


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## Served Cold (May 25, 2014)

Lemons_ said:


> So about a year ago my husband cheated and we went to counseling and we have been working on reconciling. I wasnt comfortable telling anyone what happened before because i was too hurt. My husband was glad that i didnt feel like sharing the story about how he cheated and spend loads of money anyway. So now i feel comfortable about talking about it to my friends and family and i told them what happened and now he is sooooooo upset talking about he can never face the family again and why would i do that to him and he is so embarassed. we might as well split up because i told the secret. I dont feel like i was wrong and i dont think that keeping his cheating a secret was a good idea anyway. what do you guys think?



If he was really sorry, he'd man up instead of hiding behind your apron. He betrayed not only you, but your extended family. He cheated but is having a fit because you told the truth. 
He expected you to carry his balls in your purse. Well, if he had real balls he'd have some true remorse and have not blamed you for the consequences he gambled with.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

HarryDoyle said:


> I'm know I'm going against the grain here, but how long did you wait to expose??
> 
> I'm all for exposure, how much is depending on the situation, but I think exposure should be right away. Waiting a year or two to expose is probably not productive towards a successful R. If you're going to forgive him and R, you can't decide a year later to bring all back up. I had my WW tell everyone I felt needed to know right after D-DAY.
> 
> As a BS I don't have a lot of sympathy for the WS here, but I do understand how he feels. The wife and I have been in R for over a year and a half now and I would not bring up her affair to anyone else at this point unless there was a real good reason. We still talk about it but I'm beyond trying to embarrass her at this point. I know most won't again with me here, but that's just me.


Sounds well reasoned out to me. I have no respect for WS, but defer to their BS on how it should be handled. If keeping it under wraps best suits the situation, great. If the WS has been completely forthcoming, remorseful, and is working hard, it seems fine to stay quiet.

If the BS just can't stand remaining silent, then the WS will just have to find a way to adjust, much like their partner was forced to adjust to betrayal.



Lemons_ said:


> My husband likes everyone to believe that we are a happy perfect couple with no issues and it made me cringe every time someone said "awww what a amazing husband you have".


If anything would make you feel like you just have to open your mouth, this would be it.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Affairs operate best in the dark, so exposing brings them to light and many times will stop the transgression. You may have been fortunate that it stopped, but as a rule I recommend exposing immediately. There is no shame on you, the cheating is his and the shame is his. It only applies to you, if you accept it on you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So, your husband feels that his cheating was not grounds for divorce, but that your exposing his cheating is grounds for divorce?:scratchhead: :wtf:


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## Lemons_ (Sep 10, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> So, your husband feels that his cheating was not grounds for divorce, but that your exposing his cheating is grounds for divorce?:scratchhead: :wtf:


i know right!


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Lemons_ said:


> Also My husband likes everyone to believe that we are a happy perfect couple with no issues and it made me cringe every time someone said "awww what a amazing husband you have".


Unfortunately anyone trying to reconcile has to go through this crap. No matter how much exposure there is most people will never know the true story. We meet new people all the time and when they find out we've been married for 36 years they just assume we've got our act together. If they only knew.  I'm mean I'm not going to introduce my ww as "my cheating wife" (I'll admit, I have felt like it a few times), it's just something I'll have to live with.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

*He* -- he, your husband who cheated on you -- "might as well leave because you told the secret?"

Yeah okay. 

How the heck did he think YOU felt when you found out he betrayed you in the worst way possible?

Talk about selfish. WOW.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

Sorry Lemons, it sounds like your H isn't truly sorry for what he did. If that's the case it's not even a true reconciliation without true remorse, which I don't think you have.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

I chose not to expose for the same reason as OP: if reconciliation was successful, I didn't want our children to go through the pain I did by premature exposure. I did not want pity, nor the trash-talking, nor being the center of the gossip I knew would be generated by exposure. It was nobody's business but our own. I believed exposure would have been very detrimental to our attempts to R.

But I also had a personal reason: I was humiliated beyond description by the person I trusted the most in the world and sought to protect myself from the public humiliation I would feel by exposure.


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

Lemons_ said:


> The point was that during the time he cheated i was not comfortable telling my friends and family. If i told them right after it happened all i would hear from most of them would be "leave" "get out of there" "you deserve better"... etc and I didn't want their words to sway my decision to work it out. So waiting a year later to tell them lets them now I have decided to work on my marriage and therefore they have no reason to say "you need to get out of there". Also My husband likes everyone to believe that we are a happy perfect couple with no issues and it made me cringe every time someone said "awww what a amazing husband you have".


You probably made the right choice then. And you have made the right choice now. He is upset that he got caught. Too bad for him.

His priority is to look good. Your priority must be to make the marriage work. If that means stepping on his ego, do it.

But you have to avoid turning his affair into a hammer that you pound him with for the rest of his life. If I were to strain to find a charitable explanation for his latest complaint, it would be that you have done just that. Make sure that's not what you are doing and, assuming it is not, make sure he understands.

(And it's entirely fair to enlist those around you to help keep an eye on him, to make sure he doesn't cheat on you again. To bring social pressure on him to remain faithful to you.)

You don't owe him silence of his prior breach of the marriage but you do owe him another chance.


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

"For many couples, an affair feels like the absolute end of the marriage or committed partnership. And for some it is. An affair can be what I call a "can opener," or a good excuse to end the relationship. But for other couples, staying together might mean hard work and a renewed commitment to one another, and with a clear path and some dedication to these six steps, you can get over it, past it, and even have a stronger relationship going forward."

How To Save Your Marriage: 6 Steps To Get Over An Affair | Tammy Nelson | YourTango


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## intuitionoramiwrong (Mar 18, 2014)

I'm somewhere in the middle. While I don't think it's necessary to expose in the TAM traditional sense (emailing your whole family, fb posts, Cheaterville, etc)...I also don't think that you need to hide a huge issue in your marriage when you are talking to your family and friends. 

You're allowed to talk about it.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

His upset is normal he was exposed, Cheaters never like being exposed. In most cases it was right after D day or there about. 

I would have talked with our MC with exposure. I am not for hiding it but if he really trying to R and rebuild his trust. 

It does seem like a delayed punishment to him and he may be thinking I am working my butt of here and she slammed me

Do not get me wrong I am all for WS getting a mental beating but It may have been two delayed and it may have helped you but it might have been damaging to the R.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

mahike said:


> His upset is normal he was exposed, Cheaters never like being exposed. In most cases it was right after D day or there about.
> 
> I would have talked with our MC with exposure. I am not for hiding it but if he really trying to R and rebuild his trust.
> 
> ...



Right. For him, it's as if you were trying to be a team again, and now you've unilaterally changed the "team" game plan. He probably feels you betrayed him, so then what's the point? He can't trust you either. So it shows he's not really on board with you doing what you needed to feel comfortable, but it sounds like it came very late.


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

staystrong said:


> Right. For him, it's as if you were trying to be a team again, and now you've unilaterally changed the "team" game plan. He probably feels you betrayed him, so then what's the point? He can't trust you either. So it shows he's not really on board with you doing what you needed to feel comfortable, but it sounds like it came very late.


Hold on, now. Let's not make too generous assumptions here.

While the above is possible, a simple and more likely explanation is that he is simply defending his ego.

OP needs to figure this out. But he has no right to expect that his infidelity is a private matter.


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## intuitionoramiwrong (Mar 18, 2014)

It doesn't sound like the OP is going to start spreading the news to everyone in the family. I took it as she just wanted to be able to be open and honest about what happened in her marriage, if the topic came up.


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