# Complete despair



## lexiemac (Dec 18, 2009)

Hi everyone,

I am new here and I apologise that my first post is a request for help but I feel overwhelmed with sadness and have no idea what to do.

Basically I got married only in July 10th 2009 and already my marriage feels to be a sham. For the first 6 weeks I lived very happily and then one day I discovered that my husband prior to us getting married had been having inappropriate MSN conversations with a woman and has sent quite a number of naked pictures of himself to them. Also, I found inappropriate texts to two other women. All of these things took place before we were married(but when we were engaged so we were in a commited relationship). My world has fallen apart.

I have tried so hard over the past few months to get over it. We have talked about it and he has promised it will never happen again and that he is so sorry and I believe he is sorry but I just cannot get over it. I feel like I don't know him at all and don't love him because the person I loved never existed. 

I have not slept properly since then and am scared everynight to go to sleep because I have nightmares everynight. I work as a doctor and the only relief I get is at work because at least then I don't think about it.

I feel constantly sad to the core and feel cheated of the newly wed happiness that the world thinks I have(only my parents and his parents know what happened). I feel completly sad that I will never have that feeling of being just married and actually happy.

Basically, I would appreciate any advice, any stories of experience with similiar situations as I feel at the end of my tether and just have no idea what to do whether to keep trying to get over it, whether I can try harder to get over it or whether I should call it a day and give myself a break and move on(if that is even possible)

Sorry again for a confusing first post.

L


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Well usually if this sort of stuff is happening during the engagement, I think it's basically a sign that this is what you're setting yourself up for more of in the future. Very sad that you did not catch it before the wedding. I suspect you would have just called the whole thing off if you had.

You are having what seems to be some marked symptoms of depression/grief, and I think counseling for both yourself and marriage counseling would be a good step. He may have simply made an ass of himself and be truely sorry, or this may be the pattern for the future.

My other concern is how much free time does he have on his hands? You doctors work long hours. Is there a vacuum he was trying to fill. (abiet inappropriately)


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

it sounds like 3 different women, I don't think this looks good, you deserve better, look at it like a life experience and start again. Why put your self through any more of this..if it's happening when you are suppose to be in love the most, what about later I have a feeling it won't stop and you will be in pain for a life time with him.


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## nonnie (Dec 19, 2009)

While I understand your hurt and confusion, I think it is way too soon to call off your marriage. First of all, this is the first bump in the road hon, and marriage truly does have many bumps. It would be irresponsible and unwise to throw up your hands at the first bump. Marriages must be nurtured and built up by much love, laughter and forgiveness. I think Atholk's suggestion of counseling was excellent advice, either alone or together. Perhaps you also need more time together to get to know each other better. Is it possible for you to take a short leave from work? And remember, men have needs too.


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## lexiemac (Dec 18, 2009)

Thanks Atholk I appreciate your reply. Absolutely you are right I would never have married him if I had any idea that he was capable of this. I think this forms part of my thinking that I am also hurt he could not love me enough to put my interests first and tell me to let me make the decision.

I see the arguement(and have thought of it) that I work long hours so maybe he has too much time on his hands(though he works too but not as a doctor) but I was a doctor before we got together so that has always been the case and he proposed knowing that was the case and indeed if that was a factor I feel so scared because that is my job and forever I have that commitment to those hours and to be honest I would not want it any other way because I love my job.

Jessi- thanks for the reply. It was indeed 3 different women- that I know about anyway though I feel I can't trust him at all. I constantly think the same that this happened at a time when we were most in love and so what will happen when something hard happens in life as it really was a happy time.

Such a hard place as I feel torn between giving up on it too early without enough fight and everyone says marriage is hard so maybe I have too high expectations and the fact that I am just plain miserable right not and I can't see a way past that.

Thanks again for the replies.

L


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## lexiemac (Dec 18, 2009)

Hi Nonnie. Thanks for your reply.

I agree hence why I am here still nearly 4 months after I found out but I am stilll trying to work out how to not be completly miserable in this situation and how to love and trust him again as right now I do not.

I am not entirely sure what you mean by Men have needs to? So rather than read into that something you probably did not mean perhaps you would not mind clarifying.

Thanks again.

L


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Im sure your H has apologized for what he did, but apologies are useless. what has he done to show you he means it? 

I have K9 protection on our computers. I can see everything my H does. he put it on there for me (its free. just google it). My H also went to counseling, read some books, and apologizes every single time i bring up his lies. I have the password to his emails. He also put some program on his ipod that blocks all social sites, porn, etc (also free). If i ever suspect him of something he will do everything to show me my suspicions arent right, and he doesnt get mad...anymore. He used to get mad about it. tell me not to live in the past, etc. but after awhile he figured out that i wasnt moving on until he changed. 

but for the sake of you and your patients, do what you need to get some sleep!


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## nonnie (Dec 19, 2009)

I only meant that since men tend not to express their feelings the way we women do, we can sometimes forget that they have them. Just one of the dangers we fall prey to sometimes in marriage. Nothing else to read into it dear. Sorry for not being clearer on that point.


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## lexiemac (Dec 18, 2009)

Blanca you sound like you have been through similiar and I really appreciate you writing. Actually your post made me feel sad as I just hate the thought that I have to do all those things for someone I am supposed to trust more than anyone in the world. It is not a nice feeling to have to turn into a paranoid person who costantly checks on what her husband does but I guess I will get used to it in time. How did you get over that side of it?


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## lexiemac (Dec 18, 2009)

Thanks Nonnie for clarifying- always on forums people tend to try to mind read what people said which seems to cause upset as they get a meaning never meant so I always like to confirm.

Absolutely I know he has feelings too but this happened at a time when we were extremely happy and that is what I struggle with as it was not a time where he could have felt ignored or not having his needs met.

Thanks again


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## Dr.betrayed (Nov 20, 2009)

Been through it Leximac. I completely understand how you feel.
I must ask you something before I present my view. In your post I don't see you mention anything about what your husband is trying do about this problem. What has he to offer to repair the damage? I am having trust problems with my husband too. I feel he needs to earn back my trust. I can do nothing on my part untill he tries first. I cannot trust him just because he says sorry. Trust recovery is a process. It doesn't happen in a day or two. And the person who broke the trust needs to be the working partner in the recovery process.
FYI: I got married in 2009 too. 
There was this one thought in my mind, that gave me the strength to hang on in this difficult situation.
I entered into this commitment (marriage) not because he said "I do", But because I said "I do". I don't love him because he loves me. And to love is not just a feeling, it is a decision too. I will stick by this marriage. I promised to stand by my husband through thick and thin times. Just because he broke his promises, it does not mean I don't have honor my promises. I will make a better tomorrow with my husband. I am sharing this thought with you, hope you will feel better.

With that being said, I don't want to say, a spouse has to tolerate everything. Stand up for yourself and by him too. Marriage would be ideal if both husband and wife contribute equally in all aspects (financially, emotionally,physically,etc). But in practical situations that doesn't always happen. I don't see anything wrong if sometimes one has to contribute more because the other is not up to the mark. 
I am optimistic, We all grow with time and hopefully our husbands will grow soon enough to understand fidelity, commitment etc. And they will then contribute equally towards marriage.

A link to my post, shows I am in a similar position. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies...ght-share-our-private-incidents-his-guys.html


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

lexiemac said:


> Blanca you sound like you have been through similiar and I really appreciate you writing. Actually your post made me feel sad as I just hate the thought that I have to do all those things for someone I am supposed to trust more than anyone in the world. It is not a nice feeling to have to turn into a paranoid person who costantly checks on what her husband does but I guess I will get used to it in time. How did you get over that side of it?


ya, sad is definitely an understatement. there are no words for what this does to your heart. I did trust my h more then anything in the world and its taken me a good three years to get over it. im still not completely over it. dealing with finding out the person you love and trusted could break your trust like this is extremely hard.

as far as how i got over it..

putting the site blockers, and checking them, are a step to getting over it. its not ideal, and you're right you dont want to be a paranoid person checking up on the one person you were supposed to be able to love and trust. But dont think of it as being paranoid, think of it as being broken. You are in self-protection mode because your health, and potential future family, has literally been affected. Your body and mind are literally trying to protect you. So listen to how you feel, respect that you are broken, and that another blow could crush you. But keep in mind what you want and aim in that direction. 

My H also changed a lot. he apologies every time i bring it up. If i think ive found something he'll do anything to show me its not what i think. he doesnt get defensive or think i shouldnt live in the past. he's gone to counseling. he's read some books. these things are what make the most difference, not the site blockers. its things like these that will help you stop wanting to check up on him. 

And ive changed a lot. ive read a lot of books about healing. i read _Seat of the Soul_, _Radical forgivness_, _Boundaries in Marriage_, _Relationship Rescue_, _The 5 Love Languages_, numerous articles online, thousands of posts on here, went to counseling, and am working on becoming the person i want to be. 

living with the constant anxiety that you're going to find something is not something you will have to live with forever. absolving yourself completely of this anxiety is definitely the goal, but a goal that is a good few years away from getting started. Right now you just have to focus on establishing a small bit of trust again, and feeling reasonably confident that your H is committed to changing. after you've accomplished those two things you can start focusing on not feeling the need to check up on your H anymore.


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