# Ladies: Were u main cause of dissatisfaction in 1st marriage, but improved in 2nd?



## HopelessGuy (Jun 19, 2013)

Without getting too into it, I have a wife who enjoys sex with me very much based on the physical response, but for reasons I cannot understand she shows no eagerness to please me, or meet my less than average sexual needs.

(I don't claim to be the perfect husband, but a selfish lover I am not)

I have a long post about it here.

As I say in the thread, she is the total package, except she seems hell bent on destroying our relationship by ruining our sex life behind her control issues and hangups.

I think she finally killed it.

As I prepare for a life without her thoughts of her with someone else infiltrate my mind.

She has never had a real relationship before me (when I met her she was a 23 y/o virgin) so she does not realize, as I do, that you learn a lot and mature a lot from failed relationships, and you're better (if not perfect) for the next one.

That means that the next guy is gonna get all the good stuff that I got, WITHOUT the relationship-killing flaw that is her pathological, childish, and dogmatic attitude toward sex.

This is my worst fear right now.

I'm totally right about that, aren't I?


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Sir, you could be totally right, but the flipside should also be considered. What about, if her experience being married with you making her unconsciously hate men, so the next guy who marries her will end up being her punching bag for all the resentment caused by you?


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

I am a 100% better lover now than I was in my first marriage. I was young (25), ignorant with many hangups, and didn't understand how important sex was in a relationship.

HOWEVER, my husband now is a much better man than my ex can ever grow up to become. A lot of my sexual desire to please him comes from how he treats me....having been in a horrendous relationship, I know I'm incredibly lucky to have what I have and am forever grateful that he chose me, despite all the emotional baggage I had when we were dating.

So even if I had been a total nymph in my first marriage, I truly believe it was doomed....he was a man incapable of monogamy and commitment, and lied all. the. time.

It's really a lot more complex than you're putting it. There's no way to figure out if the next guy is going to get the 'better" deal, and you'll make yourself sick worrying about it. How about just focusing on YOU, and what's going to make you happy, and more successful in your next relationship? What are you going to do to make sure you don't make the same mistake again?


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

I have wondered the same thing as you, i.e., if I left my wife, she'd probably end up with another guy who she'd f the sh*t out of on a daily basis. It would be depressing if that happened-- can't lie about that. But I think the thing to focus on is regardless of what she may or may not do with someone else, she is not doing that with you.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Anon1111 said:


> I have wondered the same thing as you, i.e., if I left my wife, she'd probably end up with another guy who she'd f the sh*t out of on a daily basis. It would be depressing if that happened-- can't lie about that. But I think the thing to focus on is regardless of what she may or may not do with someone else, she is not doing that with you.


That is one reason you don't leave its their issue make them lie in the bed they made all while you control how you react to the situation.

Over time they will see it to be counter-productive. If anyone leaves make them make the call. That way you know you did everything and have maintained the high ground.

Fight the good fight.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

This doesn't make sense to me. Wage a cold war until the other person crumbles? What if that never happens?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

HopelessGuy...all answers come from within, my friend.

Her answers will come from within, too.

If you leave her, it actually is none of your business what happens in her next relationship, and neither will it be her business what happens in your next relationship.

It is understandable that you feel bitter. It takes time to really get over stuff like this and it sounds like you are on the cusp of a separation (again) and a divorce.

Focus on YOU, not on HER, ok?

That is the only way you will ever finally move on.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Anon1111 said:


> This doesn't make sense to me. Wage a cold war until the other person crumbles? What if that never happens?


Then its mutually assured destruction... worked in the cold war didn't it?

I have no qualms making my wife's world hell if it comes to that and we go beyond year 4 of working on this. She has been warned several times.

The wall will crumble over time.

The US was right, USSR wrong.

I'm right, wife is wrong.

We are married. Lead your spouse back.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

HopelessGuy said:


> or meet my less than average sexual needs.


Curious, what is a "less than average" sexual need?


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Interesting strategy. Some on here tell you that you need to become a better person before your wife will want you. Some say it's hopeless so you should just leave. You say break her down until she either leaves you or bends to your will. I admire your determination.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Anon1111 said:


> Interesting strategy. Some on here tell you that you need to become a better person before your wife will want you. Some say it's hopeless so you should just leave. You say break her down until she either leaves you or bends to your will. I admire your determination.


My strategy was to become the better person AND break her down until she either leaves you or bends to my will...over time

Become her best option then force the issue. Place odds of success overwhelmingly in my favor.

It works even on the toughest of wives.
I realize my part, now its her turn she reaps reward or suffers consequences.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

I am checking out your blog.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

*Ladies: Were u main cause of dissatisfaction in 1st marriage, but improved in*

Your belief is false. You have no way of knowing what she will be like in the future. If I were to guess she would most likely look for someone who is extremely boring in bed like she is. 
Why would she make the same mistake again? She will probably find someone boring or someone she can easily control. 
Don't torture yourself over your own predictions of the future. It's just pointless. 

I think lying about being raped is horrible. I think that would be grounds for divorce on its own. 

And next time, don't look for a project. Look for the finished product.


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## HopelessGuy (Jun 19, 2013)

Thanks everyone for the replies. I didn't realize how active this forum was, and I have my "main thread going" so sorry for the delay.



Faithful Wife said:


> If you leave her, it actually is none of your business what happens in her next relationship, and neither will it be her business what happens in your next relationship.


I know you're right, but it doesn't stop the intrusive thoughts.



Jellybeans said:


> Curious, what is a "less than average" sexual need?


Once a week. No kinky stuff (not that there's anything wrong with that). No anal. I really need her to get off more than myself, and she always complies in that regard. I don't ask for BJs but a few times a year, because even someone as boring as myself needs a little variety sometimes (but not someone as boring as herself).

The one fantasy I sorta had that was kinda kinky was to watch her masturbate, but it never happened once in a decade, and the pretense that one day it might ended around the time I stopped asking. I stopped asking because instead of the thought making me aroused, it makes me resent her that she just could not find it in herself to do it even one time.

More than anything, I just want her to treat me, like I treat her. The main issue is the rejection, which she seems to do to punish us. This is one thing that kills me about women.

*Don't get me wrong, I love women. I'm more of a feminist politically than many of them. That said, for a gender that generally reacts so poorly to rejection, many of you are very capable of doling it out with no empathy at all.*

How do you think it plays when I show her what sexual rejection feels like?

The only reason I don't do it more often is because I feel the hurt that it causes her.

If she could do the same, we would be much better off.



Trying2figureitout said:


> My strategy was to become the better person AND break her down until she either leaves you or bends to my will...over time
> 
> Become her best option then force the issue. Place odds of success overwhelmingly in my favor.
> 
> ...


I like this



diwali123 said:


> Your belief is false. You have no way of knowing what she will be like in the future. If I were to guess she would most likely look for someone who is extremely boring in bed like she is.
> Why would she make the same mistake again? She will probably find someone boring or someone she can easily control.
> Don't torture yourself over your own predictions of the future. It's just pointless.
> 
> ...


Thank you.


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## HopelessGuy (Jun 19, 2013)

Thanks everyone for the replies. I didn't realize how active this forum was, and I have my "main thread going" so sorry for the delay.



Faithful Wife said:


> If you leave her, it actually is none of your business what happens in her next relationship, and neither will it be her business what happens in your next relationship.


I know you're right, but it doesn't stop the intrusive thoughts.



Jellybeans said:


> Curious, what is a "less than average" sexual need?


Once a week. No kinky stuff (not that there's anything wrong with that). No anal. I really need her to get off more than myself, and she always complies in that regard.

The one semi-kinky fantasy I used to have was to watch her masturbate (which she does, just not in front of me), but not anymore.

I stopped asking for that after a few years, and that's when the pretense of it ever happening died too. Now I just resent her for not being able to bring herself to touch herself for me even once for a few seconds in ten years. Now I resent her for making me not want that, and making me more conservative. Once again, I move toward her, and I get nothing in return.

More than anything, I just want her to treat me, like I treat her. The main issue is the rejection. Which she seems to do to punish us.

I've tried punishing her by withholding sex, and it has the desired effect. The problem is that I cannot bring myself to do it, because I know the pain it causes, and I can empathize. For some reason, when it come to this she just cannot.

*This is one thing that kills me about many women. For a gender that generally reacts so poorly to rejection, many of you seem to have no problem doling it out.*



Trying2figureitout said:


> My strategy was to become the better person AND break her down until she either leaves you or bends to my will...over time
> 
> Become her best option then force the issue. Place odds of success overwhelmingly in my favor.
> 
> ...


I like this



diwali123 said:


> Your belief is false. You have no way of knowing what she will be like in the future. If I were to guess she would most likely look for someone who is extremely boring in bed like she is.
> Why would she make the same mistake again? She will probably find someone boring or someone she can easily control.
> Don't torture yourself over your own predictions of the future. It's just pointless.
> 
> ...


Thank you.


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## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

My ex was rather experienced. Had an 8 year long term relationship and several short term ones before meeting me. And she told me she was a bit more adventurous back then. 

So if anything, she's getting worse over time. I pity the next poor guy who ends up with her.


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

> This is one thing that kills me about many women. For a gender that generally reacts so poorly to rejection, many of you seem to have no problem doling it out.


You are married to ONE, not MANY, so don't start with the sweeping gender generalizations. Many men have no trouble doling it out either, despite the protestations of others here that it's always the woman to blame.


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## HopelessGuy (Jun 19, 2013)

ginger-snap said:


> You are married to ONE, not MANY, so don't start with the sweeping gender generalizations. Many men have no trouble doling it out either, despite the protestations of others here that it's always the woman to blame.


OK, you're right (though I would dispute that I've made a "sweeping gender generalization" since I qualified it with the word "many").

And I'm new to here, but from what I've been reading it's just as likely to be the man to blame.

I don't have issues with the opposite sex behind my situation, if that's what you're thinking. I'm probably more of a feminist than many women.


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