# How do I work with this?



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

My H and I have a better sex life when he's gone than when he's at home. We don't have much sex (maybe once a week) and it's very banal but he loves to watch me in videos; he would watch me every day and he gets very turned on. That's fine with me. But how do I work with that if he's home? It would feel a little weird for him to be watching videos of me while i'm right there. I'm not sure how to work with this... any advice??


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Once a week is a lot for some people (myself included) and the video thing shows that you are not vanilla. Enjoy it for what it is. It sounds kinda kinky, especially if youre right there. I would enjoy that, even for foreplay.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

What is your definition of "banal"?


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

"How do I work with this?"
You don't. You play with it!


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

I've been there.

It sounds like he's a more LD guy who likes for you to initiate (a 'responsive desire' kind of guy). I bet you could have sex much more often if you initiated more (but he will probably also turn you down sometimes, that's the downside).

When you're not there and he's just watching a video, he can sit back and enjoy and feel no performance pressure.

When he is well rested, not distracted, and it's been a week or so since you did it, try a striptease, and then start him off with a BJ before hopping on. Take control more often and you'll get more action, but at the same time, tell him that half the time, you want him to be the 'more active one' and the initiator. It will still probably end up with you initiating 2/3 of the time, but don't let him get too lazy and expect you to do all the work and initiating.

Given his personality and lower sex drive, you'll most often be the one introducing new positions or activities, etc, and have to do it slowly over time. Eventually he'll learn that he likes some of the new things and will suggest them himself.


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

One more idea. Videos can certainly help a guy get into the mood, especially helpful for LD guys. I hate porn showing other people though and wouldn't encourage my H to watch that. Do you have a smart phone with a video camera? Take a video of you and him having sex or you giving him a BJ or maybe just you doing a striptease and touching yourself. Then on some nights when he's at home sitting in front of the TV before bed, start the video on your phone playing, hand your phone to him, and then walk away. See if he comes to find you in a while or comes to bed early.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Kari said:


> I've been there.
> 
> It sounds like he's a more LD guy who likes for you to initiate (a 'responsive desire' kind of guy). I bet you could have sex much more often if you initiated more (but he will probably also turn you down sometimes, that's the downside).
> 
> ...


I must be bad at taking control because whenever i've tried coming on to him (striptease, etc) he just gets turned off. He goes limp. It's caused a lot of problems for us because he's embarrassed and myself self-esteem was wounded so i haven't tried coming on to him. I attempted it a few weeks ago and he lost his erection again. I don't know if it's just something i'm doing wrong of he feels too much pressure to perform. maybe both. 

but i've also stopped coming on to him because we had huge problems in the past with him viewing porn and then not wanting sex - or anything with me. so i backed off completely. he's gotten better about wanting sex and not watching porn but he sucks in bed. he will either hump my leg or smack my butt and say "wanna ride me." after the millionth time it gets old. I have told him a million times what I like but he never does it. 

With video's it seems to work really well. I used to send him pictures of me but he would either never look at them or he once told me to stop sending them to him when he was at work because it was inappropriate. I sent one ONE time. sheesh. jack a**. So i don't send him pix anymore. it seems to ONLY work if it's videos.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Kari said:


> One more idea. Videos can certainly help a guy get into the mood, especially helpful for LD guys. I hate porn showing other people though and wouldn't encourage my H to watch that. Do you have a smart phone with a video camera? Take a video of you and him having sex or you giving him a BJ or maybe just you doing a striptease and touching yourself. Then on some nights when he's at home sitting in front of the TV before bed, start the video on your phone playing, hand your phone to him, and then walk away. See if he comes to find you in a while or comes to bed early.


that's actually a really great idea. i don't have a smart phone though but i bet i could get ahold of his phone. Thanks! :smthumbup:


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

jaquen said:


> What is your definition of "banal"?


so lacking in originality as to be obvious and boring; no passion.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Blanca said:


> so lacking in originality as to be obvious and boring; no passion.


I know the general definition of banal.

I was more inquiring as to what your specific criteria was. Because the overall sexual situation you describe in the OP would be a lot of people's definition of spicy. 

So I'm wondering if by banal you mean that the intercourse is limited? As in one position only? No spontaneity ever?

Edit: Nevermind, I see you outlined specifics in a later post!


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

Blanca said:


> I must be bad at taking control because whenever i've tried coming on to him (striptease, etc) he just gets turned off. He goes limp. I don't know if it's just something i'm doing wrong of he feels too much pressure to perform. maybe both.
> 
> he will either hump my leg or smack my butt and say "wanna ride me." after the millionth time it gets old.


A video when you aren't nearby isn't threatening since he doesn't need to worry about performing. A striptease will put him on the spot. Then don't start with that, that is 'too advanced' of a move until his ED is more under control. He needs more direct stimulation to his penis. Start initiating with a BJ instead.

He probably needs to be on hormone supplements and he should see a doctor about this.

I think a sex therapist might help also, but he'd probably will resist going.

He sounds immature sexually. For a guy like this, you'll need to be more direct about training him to do what you like. In other words, move his hands where you want them, tell him explicitly 'higher or lower', harder or softer, 'keep doing that', whatever. If a guy's experienced and confident, obviously that would be the wrong thing to do, but that isn't the case here. He needs to be told more explicitly and right in the moment, as long as you keep it really positive 'I'd love it if you put your fingers here and move them in a circle...'

Have you tried a lot of positions and know which positions give him enough stimulation to not lose his erection? If so, tell him what position you want to move into ('OK now I'd like us to sit up' or 'now I'd like you to get behind me', etc..)


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## EddyHruby (Sep 3, 2012)

It sounds like he's a more LD guy who likes for you to initiate


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Kari said:


> A video when you aren't nearby isn't threatening since he doesn't need to worry about performing. A striptease will put him on the spot. Then don't start with that, that is 'too advanced' of a move until his ED is more under control. He needs more direct stimulation to his penis. Start initiating with a BJ instead.
> 
> He probably needs to be on hormone supplements and he should see a doctor about this.
> 
> ...


I have been very explicit with him on a number of occasions. I have moved his hands the way i like, told him exactly what i like, etc. What ends up happening is he will say, 'why don't you show me what you like by doing it to me' and that was fine at first but at some point i expected him to do it to me. didnt happen. Now he gets a big grin on his face and says " show me what you like." 

We have not tried very many positions - two positions only. i don't want to suggest anything because he just loses his erection. I have told him many many times that i would at least like it if he initiated sex some where other then the bed but he never does. Because of his ED issues and the past porn issues i'm not comfortable initiated anymore. 

But i think the video thing would really help. and i don't think i'd feel too weird if i left the room. he would already be turned on and i think he'd be more willing to try new things. but we'll see. I never know with him. Most of the time when he comes on to me I have to tell him that i'm not really in the mood and that I don't want sex so that he won't feel pressured and lose his erection. too many mind games.


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