# Girlfriend of 5 years caught Sexting



## Glen23 (Nov 3, 2013)

I am divorced for 6 yrs now and my girlfriend for about the same. The two of us met when I was separated/she divorced already in the early stages of my divorce proceedings. She and I have become inseparable, but I have "nice guy syndrome". Meaning, I try to make our relationship work at all costs. Well, it has been going well, when all of a sudden, I noticed on her phone a text from a face book friend that was sexual in nature. I immediately confronted her with all the questions, in tears and devastated. It turned out to be something that she told me she probably would have never have told me about, in her words. But, she then "disarmed" me by claiming she is a "bad girlfriend" and has used that term once or twice previously for other minor issues. The result is that it had been happening for a little less than one month so I caught it early. She agreed on the spot that we are very compatible, that she didn't mean to lie, apologized and wants the relationship to continue, and will stop texting this individual. I could NOT determine exactly who it was, but I have my suspicions. Further, she said she does not know how to love and was never in love with her husband, nor me but claims she is most fond of me in all her relationships. She claims it is due to her "Daddy issues"- more specifically to her point, meaning she has a huge wall she has built up lacking any trust in her relationships in the past, and including mine- due to her dad being away most of her formative years. She has agreed to seek counseling on her own to attempt to treat this issue and this is our way of hoping to not only salvage our relationship so she can work out her issues, but to perhaps find a way to lower the wall to let my trust in. I treat her very well but feel due to my nice guy syndrome, I have work to do on my own to become the man i know i can be, that she will respect. My questions are: Can this relationship be saved? I have read that (cheating) etc, is a symptom of someone suffering these daddy issues. Any advice would be great. Thanks.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

When someone tells you who they are, you need to believe them.

This woman is telling you that she can't be trusted (she's showing you that too) and that she is not relationship material.

If you want an easy, honest, loving relationship you're not going to get it with her.


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## Glen23 (Nov 3, 2013)

frusdil--Are you saying that counseling-her making the effort--is simply a waste of her time and mine?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Sorry, I agree with frusdil. I think you are setting yourself up for a lot of anguish and pain if you continue this relationship. Counseling may work eventually but it is going to take years, not 2 or 3 sessions. 

I am also quite sure that if she hasn't already had sex with this person, she had every intention to. Would you sext with someone you didn't want to have sex with?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

frusdil said:


> When someone tells you who they are, you need to believe them.


qft

Dont superimposed reality with your idea of her.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I notice that she swept the whole sexting thing under the rug pretty quickly too.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Run Forrest, Run!


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I am almost inclined to disagree with the others and tell you to that she seems remorseful and that it can be worked out.

However it occurred to me that she didn't tell you the name of the man she was sexting , and you said that you are a " nice guy " always wanting to fix things in the relationship.

She's manipulating you. 
Plain and simple.
I say this because she's protecting the identity of that man she was sexting . My guess is , either he's married or she has no intention of stopping the affair.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

When a cheater is justifying themselves instead of owning up and becoming transparent, they are just getting you of those back. She's probably gone underground.

Read this
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

She's basically telling you she doesn't know how to just settle for one penis. Dump and stop dating unstable people. Study mental disorders and learn to weed them out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Boogiemaster (Oct 11, 2012)

I know a lot of serial cheaters that are married and most always hang around with other serial cheaters and non of them care about their nice guy husbands or children.

Even before they were married they could never stick to one boyfriend they would always cheat on everyone.

I knew one women who was married and she had an affair behind her husbands back. She later divorced her husband and married her affair partner only to cheat on him.

Her husband died and now she is able to carry on her cheating lifestyle all over again.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Why won't she reveal who it is? And why are you even TALKING to her until she does?


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## Glen23 (Nov 3, 2013)

MRK, She is using the common friend theme with me, which i know is no match for our relationship. I have a real good idea it is someone who lives about 450 miles away, comparing FB posts with texts so i am 99% sure of who it is now. I am not his FB friend, so i cannot confront him on this. In the meantime, I will confront her again on this to press her.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Glen23 said:


> MRK, She is using the common friend theme with me, which i know is no match for our relationship. I have a real good idea it is someone who lives about 450 miles away, comparing FB posts with texts so i am 99% sure of who it is now. I am not his FB friend, so i cannot confront him on this. In the meantime, I will confront her again on this to press her.


The bullsh1t stops NOW. She tells you or you walk. Time to stop the nice guy crap.


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## Glen23 (Nov 3, 2013)

You are right. I am working through this nice guy crap right now and i realize how pussified it looks. I will step up. Thanks.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Since you are thinking of staying. If you do i will post my standard spy instructions which will likely show you what she is up to. Hopefully before you marry. At work atm and my standard instruction set is on my comp.

Hint run now.


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## Glen23 (Nov 3, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Since you are thinking of staying. If you do i will post my standard spy instructions which will likely show you what she is up to. Hopefully before you marry. At work atm and my standard instruction set is on my comp.
> 
> Hint run now.


Weightlifter: Yes, I am thinking of staying. Thanks


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## Glen23 (Nov 3, 2013)

Glen23 said:


> Weightlifter: Yes, I am thinking of staying. Thanks


Weightlifter: Yes i would appreciate the spying instructions though. Thanks again


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Glen23 said:


> Weightlifter: Yes i would appreciate the spying instructions though. Thanks again


NP bro below is my standard paste. IM at home now on a real keyboard typing at 60 WPM instead of 8. Bonus is my stuff is here like my TAM master document that has brilliant posts by others and my peronal living document about VARring up and going all 007.

Let me preface this by saying SHUT UP. Mouth shut eyes open. Stop confronting what you know that she does not already know you know. NEVER EVER reveal about VARS. They are more than an ace up the sleeve. Its a royal flush up your sleeve.

I can tell you were thinking of staying even though my advice is dont... I get it. Here you go sir!

paste:

VARs and evidence

Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” Any of this sound familiar? 

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.
Rule 1 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 
Rule 2 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 
Rule 3 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You tell her, you always got your info from a PI or someone saw them. Hard confronts with overwhelming evidence to crush all resistance are the name of the game.

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT 
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or less often in the aisle with the fasteners like screws. The velcro pack is mostly blue with a yellow top. Clear pack shows the vecro color which is black or white. 

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. 

ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.
I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

Amazon has a pen VAR that can be placed in a purse or other small place to get remote conversations. Yes the pen works.

Usual warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for four men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. 

Lets be very clear about what the VAR is for and is not for. It will not be court admissible evidence. It is not for the confrontation. IT IS TO GET YOU AHEAD OF THE AFFAIR so you can gain other real evidence by knowing the who and when. NEVER MENTION YOUR VAR EVIDENCE. As far as the cheater is concerned, they were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

If your wife comes home from an alone time does she immediately change liners, change panties possibly even immediately laundering them?, shower? This can be an after the fact clean up. Amazon sells a semen detection kit called checkmate.

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful. There is even a locator webpage you can track with.

Look for a burner phone. This is a second phone from a prepay service just used for cheating communications. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone" The dont use their main phone for cheating purposes.

There is an app out there called teensafe. Its for both Iphone and Android. It monitors texts, GPS and facebook. Needs no jailbreak. Not perfect and delayed but no jailbreak required.

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex
Rclawson came up with how to get the PW on an ipad
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...eling-my-wife-cheating-me-16.html#post4692714

A poster named Stigmatizer came up with this nice app that appears to give the caller name for iphones:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...y-creepy-happening-my-home-7.html#post4769890

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/4854930-post220.html
Hi rosie!

If he uses chrome or firefox, there is probably a list of saved passwords you can look at. Even if his email isn't saved there, people usually only use a couple of different passwords, so one from the list might work. 

For firefox it's Tools -> Options -> Security -> Saved Passwords

For Chrome it's the little box with three bars in the top right -> Settings - Show advanced settings -> Managed saved passwords

I don't know if other browsers save the passwords where you can view them but you should be able to google and find out!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> Meaning, I try to make our relationship work at all costs.


What do you get out of being cuckold that makes it worth it.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

You're not going to salvage the relationship by spying on her.

I can just about see the point of spying if you are a married couple and are seeking evidence of infidelity so you can divorce. In a boyfriend/girlfriend situation I think it is ridiculous. Either you trust her, or you don't. If you don't then is she worth keeping despite this?

As for sexting someone you don't want to have sex with; yes, it happens. Usually when there are problems in the relationship. I have had cyber sex with several people who I would not dream of having sex with. It was just an agreed outlet for two adults to fantasise a bit. When you've not had any action at all for three years you can get a bit desperate. 

I personally would be far more worried by her admission that she did not love her husband and she does not love you. Why would the relationship be worth saving if she has flat out said she does not love you? I guess the counselling might be worth a shot, in case it helps her with whatever her issues are, and if you love her enough to stick around for a while.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

I agree with Climbingthe walls. Your GF has stated she had issue loving, she parted from her first H because she didnt think she was actually in love with him and her you are suffering a betrayl of trust at this early a stage with her underwriting it as a "daddy" issue.

I feel that if you need to gather evidence then you may as well call it a day, save the money and the stress and find someone that isnt already waving a massive red flag in your face. 

The chances of this relationship becoming happy and long term as really based on what you have now. the fact that your asking for advice on your GFs behavior tells me taht you have deep down concerns that tis is not the right route for you. Thank about it carefully. Try, as hard as it will be to determine in an unbias view exactly what you want out of this relationship


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Look I agree he should run BUT
Seeing the whole truth may alter his staying idea.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

I do not understand how somebody can be with another person and have to worry about where they park their genitals. Life is just too short to worry about that.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, you seem like a good man who is being manipulated by your GF. When it comes to reconciling, I can get it if you were married to the woman and had kids with her. But when you are still in the dating stage and she cheats, why would you want to consider it? I think of dating as the job interview for the "job" of being your spouse. If the candidate blows the interview, you send the rejection letter and move on to the next candidate.


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

MrK said:


> Why won't she reveal who it is? And why are you even TALKING to her until she does?


Agree.

Lucky you have not married her. You have the more leverage now than ever to demand answers. Use it to your advantage. Get all these things out into the open now.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She told you she has a built in reason, something that you cannot change, for being a bad girlfriend and a cheater. She also told you she does not love you (and is incapable of feeling that)....
Aside from being utter B.S. on both counts, how could you stick with a girl who tells you she doesnt' love you? That makes no sense.


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## Glen23 (Nov 3, 2013)

Climbing the walls: i will see what counseling does. She admitted that that relationship never materialized, and said it never would have gotten off the ground but was simply flattering. Because of this, she has said truthfully that it THEN questioned why she would actually entertain this idea while with me. She claims it is ALL about her. So, my sticking around has confused her, even. But, she is all in on going to counseling for her own reasons, and it probably will not work but at the same time, she REALLY REALLY WANTS to know what love is, and has said that if she is capable through counseling, then she would want the relationship to continue. So, because we have a long history, I will give this the wait it deserves. Spying? It is nice to have the information, but I have an intuition that she is telling the truth in this case because her Daddy issues are clinical at this point.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Glen23 said:


> Climbing the walls: i will see what counseling does. She admitted that that relationship never materialized, and said it never would have gotten off the ground but was simply flattering. Because of this, she has said truthfully that it THEN questioned why she would actually entertain this idea while with me. She claims it is ALL about her. So, my sticking around has confused her, even. But, she is all in on going to counseling for her own reasons, and it probably will not work but at the same time, she REALLY REALLY WANTS to know what love is, and has said that if she is capable through counseling, then she would want the relationship to continue. So, because we have a long history, I will give this the wait it deserves. Spying? It is nice to have the information, but I have an intuition that she is telling the truth in this case because her Daddy issues are clinical at this point.



Ok why are you willing to waste your life on these "daddy issues" that may never get resolved. Brother you are dating a roller coaster, not a potential wife. A roller coaster is something you ride, raise your hands, scream and yell, get off and tell you friends. Thats it. From your description you don't any future with her. 

Aren't you too old for these games? This oatmeal, nuts and raisins of feelings and emotions that never will make sense in the long term? Ask yourself why exactly you are willing to wait. Be honest to yourself. 

1. She's great in the sack?
2. You have poor self esteem?
3. You are nice guy.
4. She's great in the sack.
5. You are afraid of being alone.
6. All the above?


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## PM1 (Aug 9, 2011)

I see this contradiction in what she said:
"It turned out to be something that she told me she probably would have never have told me about, in her words." and "*she didn't mean to lie*." 

It sounds like she clearly intended to lie, then said she did not (when caught). Not promising.

Another concern I would have is that if someone overcomes major trauma or has a life-changing event, often their current relationship does not survive it. For example, an alcoholic who gets treatment may move on past the person they are with. It almost is as if the relationship becomes part of that past they are trying to move past. So maybe she is not full of BS and the daddy issues are what made her send inappropriate stuff to someone other than you, but there is no guarantee that if she overcomes that, your current relationship would survive the transformation. 

I'm no expert in the nice guy stuff, but a lot of what you have written sounds familiar to a lot of other threads where nice guys get the shaft on TAM. Good luck.



(Weightlifter - I've not read your thread. Did you actually hear what you warned not to listen to on a VAR? That's awful.)


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

If she will not give you all the truth and go NC with the OM,

you should get out now. You are not married to her.


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## Glen23 (Nov 3, 2013)

PM1 said:


> I see this contradiction in what she said:
> "It turned out to be something that she told me she probably would have never have told me about, in her words." and "*she didn't mean to lie*."
> 
> It sounds like she clearly intended to lie, then said she did not (when caught). Not promising.
> ...


Sanity/PM1: I am suffering from nice guy syndrome-which DOES translate to lack of self esteem, among other traits. And, I am receiving treatment for this. One of the stipulations is to evaluate ME, for ME. Further, I have been counseled to not change for change sake but to re acquaint all relationships to the new me, relating directly to my relationship with my GF. So, until this counseling shows a direction that SHE WANTS TO TAKE(which more than likely will reflect her wanting to end it) then I will allow her to "catch up" for the sake of both of us and our (major) issues. Hope this clears up the truths you have both told, and THANKS.


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## Glen23 (Nov 3, 2013)

Glen23 said:


> Sanity/PM1: I am suffering from nice guy syndrome-which DOES translate to lack of self esteem, among other traits. And, I am receiving treatment for this. One of the stipulations is to evaluate ME, for ME. Further, I have been counseled to not change for change sake but to re acquaint all relationships to the new me, relating directly to my relationship with my GF. So, until this counseling shows a direction that SHE WANTS TO TAKE(which more than likely will reflect her wanting to end it) then I will allow her to "catch up" for the sake of both of us and our (major) issues. Hope this clears up the truths you have both told, and THANKS.


and, NO, I AM NOT IN DENIAL-. Having gone through this beautiful relationship (AS IT IS WITHOUT LOVE) for 5 yrs, wouldn't one be willing to hang out until the cards are all played? There is risk in everything we do.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Glen23 said:


> and, NO, I AM NOT IN DENIAL-. Having gone through this beautiful relationship (AS IT IS WITHOUT LOVE) for 5 yrs, wouldn't one be willing to hang out until the cards are all played? There is risk in everything we do.


I think the principal concern I have ... and it is only out of concern for you ... is that people who suffer from low self-esteem tend to do a couple of things:

1) Attract people who are broken.
2) Hang on to relationships no matter how unhealthy they might be for them.

My concern is that this isn't a problem that has a quick solution. It represents a fundamental change in who she is. That is something that does not happen often and it is something that you have no control over.


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## Glen23 (Nov 3, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I think the principal concern I have ... and it is only out of concern for you ... is that people who suffer from low self-esteem tend to do a couple of things:
> 
> 1) Attract people who are broken.
> 2) Hang on to relationships no matter how unhealthy they might be for them.
> ...


JustSomeGuyWho:
understand I very well could be hanging on for nothing, but the loss is greater than me NOT wanting to sweat it out; working on self esteem and 5 yrs vs. how much time? She WANTS fundamental change in her ability to "love". likes me for all the traits short of this due to the wall being up. So, i am def. taking a chance.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Glen23 said:


> and, NO, I AM NOT IN DENIAL-. Having gone through this beautiful relationship (AS IT IS WITHOUT LOVE) for 5 yrs, wouldn't one be willing to hang out until the cards are all played? There is risk in everything we do.


I'm sorry Glen, but I disagree. You are afraid of what's out there more so than you are in love with this woman. You rather deal with the "devil you know". Your self esteem is shot, she checks off "most" of the boxes, so you want to stick it out. Here's the thing though: If she can't remain faithful during what should be your easiest time together, how do you expect her to remain faithful when you get married and everything becomes more complicated?


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## Glen23 (Nov 3, 2013)

you hit it on the head; this is me reasoning that the daddy issue illness is related to her sexting and me being stupid? enough to believe her.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What would a doormat do when he finds out that his gf is sexting ?


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## Glen23 (Nov 3, 2013)

Is there a chance?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Glen23 said:


> JustSomeGuyWho:
> understand I very well could be hanging on for nothing, but the loss is greater than me NOT wanting to sweat it out; working on self esteem and 5 yrs vs. how much time? She WANTS fundamental change in her ability to "love". likes me for all the traits short of this due to the wall being up. So, i am def. taking a chance.


Will you be able to recognize when you are hanging on too long? When the fear of what is in store for your future is your primary motivation for staying in the relationship versus any realistic hope that the relationship you have will become what you want it to be? We can all convince ourselves to try just a little harder, hold on just a little longer without recognizing the underlying motivation for doing so. 

How about taking a break from the relationship? Let her work on what she needs to work on but take a break. Sometimes that helps people see things more clearly. You may come to the realization that this is not what you want ... or you may realize that it is what you want and be able to come back to the relationship more resolute than ever. In the process, you might find out what it is that she really wants.


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## Glen23 (Nov 3, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Will you be able to recognize when you are hanging on too long? When the fear of what is in store for your future is your primary motivation for staying in the relationship versus any realistic hope that the relationship you have will become what you want it to be? We can all convince ourselves to try just a little harder, hold on just a little longer without recognizing the underlying motivation for doing so.
> 
> How about taking a break from the relationship? Let her work on what she needs to work on but take a break. Sometimes that helps people see things more clearly. You may come to the realization that this is not what you want ... or you may realize that it is what you want and be able to come back to the relationship more resolute than ever. In the process, you might find out what it is that she really wants.


Good advice-ALL, but this is by far the most significant idea that i have come across. It will actually solve her need to deal with her "me" issues alone; mine as well. Bottom line on this entire string: My decision will be based not on emotion but on a true understanding that the two of us ONLY move forward if love is in the cards for both of us involved-not just me. Period. I was totally unclear on this earlier. Thanks Justsomeguywho for the great idea.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

I like Justsome's idea except it may well end up giving her room to take it to true PA with this guy or someone else.


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## Glen23 (Nov 3, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> I like Justsome's idea except it may well end up giving her room to take it to true PA with this guy or someone else.


oh the chances we take in relationships.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Glen23 said:


> i will see what counseling does.


Counseling session number one concentrates on how important full disclosure is.

Counseling session number two has her reveal who the OP was (is?) to show you how serious she is about reconciling and fixing things.

Counseling session number three doesn't happen otherwise. Save your time and money.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I don't understand why any of this is debatable. GF cheats. BF finds out. GF & BF have no kids together. Why not just break it off and move on???

Isn't the idea of you wanting to stick with her to see her get better more of you acting like a KISA? That's "nice guy 101" right there.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I don't understand why any of this is debatable. GF cheats. BF finds out. GF & BF have no kids together. Why not just break it off and move on???
> 
> Isn't the idea of you wanting to stick with her to see her get better more of you acting like a KISA? That's "nice guy 101" right there.


Pretty much. I have no clue why anybody would stay with a cheater especially with no kids in the picture. People don't change much.


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## Self Help (Oct 22, 2013)

Glen, I am sorry you are in this situation. Unfortunately, speeking from expierence, she most likely will never change. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but like I said I speak from experience. I have been cheated on several times. I learned that I enabled the cheating by not speaking clearly on the front end that I was not ok with this behavior. As hard as it is, you need to put the "nice guy" part of you away to be able to deal with this problem. She needs to know "EXACTLY" where you stand and you need to stand firm. If this is not ok with you, you need to tell her. It will probably take years before you trust her again, if ever. These scars that you already have will never go away. Once again, speeking from experience. If SHE doesnt seek help and YOU dont deal with this (without MR. Nice Guy), your future together will be miserable.


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## Glen23 (Nov 3, 2013)

Self Help said:


> Glen, I am sorry you are in this situation. Unfortunately, speeking from expierence, she most likely will never change. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but like I said I speak from experience. I have been cheated on several times. I learned that I enabled the cheating by not speaking clearly on the front end that I was not ok with this behavior. As hard as it is, you need to put the "nice guy" part of you away to be able to deal with this problem. She needs to know "EXACTLY" where you stand and you need to stand firm. If this is not ok with you, you need to tell her. It will probably take years before you trust her again, if ever. These scars that you already have will never go away. Once again, speeking from experience. If SHE doesnt seek help and YOU dont deal with this (without MR. Nice Guy), your future together will be miserable.


she is seeking help now ; understands what I expect from her; i have thrown Mr. Nice guy out with the bathwater(VERY DIFFICULT) but she is actually responding to me. It will take a while, for sure.


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## OrangeCrush1 (Oct 31, 2013)

- You're a needy, submissive guy. It seems like you are aware of this and addressing it. (Good.)

- Because you're a needy, submissive, guy, you're not going to leave her no matter what she does or who she cheats with. Therefore, what she's doing is irrelevant.

- She's not cheating/sexting other men because she has "daddy issues". That's BS. She's cheating/sexting because you're a needy, submissive guy. Women with needy, submissive boyfriends or husbands usually end up cheating with stronger, more masculine men. That's how human beings work. She's behaving normally.

- This entire problem is your fault. It will not be resolved until you accept that.

- Shift the focus off her, what she's doing, and why she's doing it, and refocus on YOU and YOUR BEHAVIORS. Once you get to the point where you man-up, and start acting like a strong, masculine, independent guy (if you ever make it that far), you will suddenly see all these relationship problems from her vanish. (Or you'll realize she's toxic and go get a much nicer, smarter, and more attractive girlfriend.) Not before then.


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## Glen23 (Nov 3, 2013)

I broke it off.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Glen23 said:


> I broke it off.


How did she react?
Any remorse?


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## Glen23 (Nov 3, 2013)

tom67: how did she react? she cannot commit to me because i wasnt strong enough for her BS and skeletons. So it was best for her to let me go, but in reality, it is the BEST thing for me. I cried; but so did she; she was more afraid of how i would react. I am not good at change, so this relationship will be remembered because I was in love with her; she incapable.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Glen23 said:


> tom67: how did she react? she cannot commit to me because i wasnt strong enough for her BS and skeletons. So it was best for her to let me go, but in reality, it is the BEST thing for me. I cried; but so did she; she was more afraid of how i would react. I am not good at change, so this relationship will be remembered because I was in love with her; she incapable.


Sorry
It could have been worse you could have had to deal with her for years if you had kids.
Definitely not marriage material.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Glen23 said:


> tom67: how did she react? she cannot commit to me because i wasnt strong enough for her BS and skeletons. So it was best for her to let me go, but in reality, it is the BEST thing for me. I cried; but so did she; she was more afraid of how i would react. I am not good at change, so this relationship will be remembered because I was in love with her; she incapable.


You must feel a great relief and regain in some of your mental resources used to maintain that.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Glen23 said:


> *I* broke it off.


*You* did?



Glen23 said:


> tom67: how did she react? she cannot commit to me because i wasnt strong enough for her BS and skeletons. So *it was best for her to let me go*, but in reality, it is the BEST thing for me. I cried; but so did she; *she was more afraid of how i would react*. I am not good at change, so this relationship will be remembered because I was in love with her; she incapable.


It sounds like you would put up with just about anything. Have you actually read NMMNG? Don't put up with someone's scraps, and don't wait-it-out hoping someone will start loving you. Look at this woman and what you thought you were "in love" with. Something is wrong with that.

Learn what you like and what makes you happy. Learn to love yourself and don't stay in a romantic relationship with someone who doesn't love you...it's only one sided. Don't apply to be someones doormat.

It sounds like it started as a rebound relationship...you struggle with codependency, so give it some time before starting the next relationship. Concentrate on you for a while, hit the gym, take up a sport, travel, learn to have fun again. 

Don't let this happen to you again.


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## Glen23 (Nov 3, 2013)

tulsy said:


> *You* did?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thanks Tulsy


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## Glen23 (Nov 3, 2013)

Btw, CURRENTLY READING no more mr. nice guy now. too late for this relationship, but will take time for me before the next.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Let me help you feel better. This is the train you just got off of. Times approx.
6 mos from now. You give her the ring. She accepts and is a good girl for the engagement. You check on her on occasion but she really is being good so you find nothing.
18 mos from now. Wedding. Still a good girl. 
3 years kid 1 born.
4 years kid2 born.
4.5 years from now. The honeymoon period is over. Her azz grew and thinks you don't want her any more. An old bf contacts her over fb. They talk about the weather.
4.75 years from now he Pm's her about how sext she looks in her bikini on vacation.
4.8 years she "accidentally" sends a playboy nude
4.85 years sends a full beaver shot.
5 years he is in town. They meet for coffee and connect.
5.25 years. He is in town, and craving excitement, she hooks up in a hotel undetected.
5.35 years. Another hook up.
5.7 years she accidentally leaves her fb open and you find out your marriage is a lie.
5.701 years you agree to reconcile cause well you are nice.
5.8. Years You are nice but paranoid and you find her burner phone.
6.25 years. Divorce. Alimony 1000 a month for 3 years. Child support 1500 for 17 years.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Glen23 said:


> ........
> 
> I treat her very well but feel due to my nice guy syndrome, I have work to do on my own to become the man i know i can be, that she will respect. My questions are: Can this relationship be saved? I have read that (cheating) etc, is a symptom of someone suffering these daddy issues. Any advice would be great. Thanks.


No this is a lost case.

The problem is not her, the problem is you.

You know actually all about it. 

You know you have the Nice Guy Syndrome.

Release her, don't get involved in a new relation untill you are cured, because YOUR behavior is doomed, and will destroy any relation.

Man up, you know it. Now do it.


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