# Hello everyone



## Okie Texan

New here. I will post my story shortly

49 year old male trying to figure things out.


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## Okie Texan

What happened or what went wrong?

Background- Married over 26 years and have been together almost 29 years. I am 49 and she is 48. Two kids that are 25 and 21. Started off poor and struggled at the beginning, but now we are well off and both have very successful careers. Retirement is set and we would retire with no financial worries. There has never been any adultery, abuse or addiction by either side.

I came from a rough childhood and I had quite a few issues to get through when we first married. She stuck by me and helped me get my head straight. 

Then she had a midlife crisis at 38 and it almost split us apart. She thought she had missed out on partying and living the care free life. I stuck by her and we worked it out, but it damaged our marriage badly. She got on anti-depressants during this time and that helped her.

Now ten years later and the marriage is pretty much dead. I think all of the damage that occurs over time has destroyed the marriage and at this point I don’t know if it can be saved or if I really want to save it. There is no closeness and no intimacy left. No sex in a year. No intimate talks. No hand holding. No cuddling. I watched the other day and she hugged her friends and has physical contact with them. So she has the need for physical contact just not with me.

She has never been much of a romantic but there is ZERO romance left. She said if I need romance that she would fake it and do the best she could. I told her if she did not feel it for real then I don’t need pity. I won’t beg and plead for my wife to want to be with me. That is desperate and pathetic.

My oldest graduates in a couple of months and my youngest is finishing up in a junior college and is about to move out to finish her Bachelor’s in another city. We are about to be kid free. 

At times I want this to work but I don’t see how. The anti-depressants have killed her sex drive, but there is more to it than that. I believe she is only staying for the money and comfortable lifestyle we have now. The money will not keep me in the marriage. At this point I am so anti-relationship that I do not believe I would ever want to be married or in a real relationship again.

I guess I am trying to figure out what to do. The kids are about to leave and I am trying to understand if there is anything left to save. I am about 99% sure that I want/need to move on. Writing this makes me wonder why I give the marriage a 1% chance. Having my own life and not dealing with this stuff sounds so good right now. I am about done with it all.


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## StillSearching

Okie Texan said:


> What happened or what went wrong?
> 
> Background- Married over 26 years and have been together almost 29 years. I am 49 and she is 48. Two kids that are 25 and 21. Started off poor and struggled at the beginning, but now we are well off and both have very successful careers. Retirement is set and we would retire with no financial worries. *There has never been any adultery*, abuse or addiction by either side.
> 
> I came from a rough childhood and I had quite a few issues to get through when we first married. She stuck by me and helped me get my head straight.
> 
> Then she had a midlife crisis at 38 and it almost split us apart. She thought she had missed out on partying and living the care free life. I stuck by her and we worked it out, but it damaged our marriage badly. She got on anti-depressants during this time and that helped her.
> 
> Now ten years later and the marriage is pretty much dead. I think all of the damage that occurs over time has destroyed the marriage and at this point I don’t know if it can be saved or if I really want to save it. There is no closeness and no intimacy left. No sex in a year. No intimate talks. No hand holding. No cuddling. I watched the other day and she hugged her friends and has physical contact with them. So she has the need for physical contact just not with me.
> 
> She has never been much of a romantic but there is ZERO romance left. She said if I need romance that she would fake it and do the best she could. I told her if she did not feel it for real then I don’t need pity. I won’t beg and plead for my wife to want to be with me. That is desperate and pathetic.
> 
> My oldest graduates in a couple of months and my youngest is finishing up in a junior college and is about to move out to finish her Bachelor’s in another city. We are about to be kid free.
> 
> At times I want this to work but I don’t see how. The anti-depressants have killed her sex drive, but there is more to it than that. I believe she is only staying for the money and comfortable lifestyle we have now. The money will not keep me in the marriage. At this point I am so anti-relationship that I do not believe I would ever want to be married or in a real relationship again.
> 
> I guess I am trying to figure out what to do. The kids are about to leave and I am trying to understand if there is anything left to save. I am about 99% sure that I want/need to move on. Writing this makes me wonder why I give the marriage a 1% chance. Having my own life and not dealing with this stuff sounds so good right now. I am about done with it all.


Glad your here. You will plenty of good advice here.
Well after reading your post, I'm sure I believe your wife sees it your way. 
"she had a midlife crisis at 38"...code for she had an affair. 
You should be done with it all. Good idea.
Read "The Rational Male" and start getting on with your life, awakened and Happy.


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## LimaTango

Greetings.

Sorry you've found yourself here but I know you'll get some good advice from members. It's an awful feeling when the person you love doesn't extend physical affection to you.

Does your W say why she's withholding sex and intimacy? (e.g. doesn't find you attractive, hates certain habits, just not feeling sexy, etc.?)

How do you feel about her? Still find her attractive, fun, etc.?


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## SpinyNorman

Sorry things turned out this way. It isn't so unusual, even in marriages that didn't have the complications yours did. 

You probably know your options as well as we do. It sounds like you want to split up, which is a sensible choice, but I recommend not antagonizing her. Consider divorce mediation. Making it vindictive will probably cost both of you a lot of money and make it harder w/ your kids. Of course, if she goes that route you can't help it.

As for never wanting a relationship again, you don't have to decide that now. It is only an issue if you do want a relationship, and stay in the marriage.

As for the assertion she cheated on you, that is pretty much inevitable when you post here.


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## blazer prophet

Okie Texan said:


> 49 year old male trying to figure things out.


I think most of us are trying to figure things out.


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## MattMatt

@Okie Texan I would suggest counselling individual and as a couple as a first step.


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## Okie Texan

LimaTango said:


> Greetings.
> 
> Sorry you've found yourself here but I know you'll get some good advice from members. It's an awful feeling when the person you love doesn't extend physical affection to you.
> 
> Does your W say why she's withholding sex and intimacy? (e.g. doesn't find you attractive, hates certain habits, just not feeling sexy, etc.?)
> 
> How do you feel about her? Still find her attractive, fun, etc.?


She says she is just not interested anymore. She says the anti-depressants have killed her drive. 

Which I might understand but it does not account for the lack of any emotional attachment. During her midlife crisis she pulled back from the relationship and after a while I did, too. She was too flaky and could not decide if she really wanted to stay or go and this went on for a while. I went into self preservation mode and became emotionally detached, also. I worried about my kids and focused on myself. Now she tells me she likes it this way and says we have a great relationship. I told her we have no relationship. We go days without any real talk and we pretty much do everything separately. I think she wanted to leave during her midlife crisis but she chickened out. 

I am emotionally numb to her. I have been pushed away so many times that I just quit caring. I don't know if I wanted to stay if I could make it work now.


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## Okie Texan

LimaTango said:


> Greetings.
> 
> Sorry you've found yourself here but I know you'll get some good advice from members. It's an awful feeling when the person you love doesn't extend physical affection to you.
> 
> Does your W say why she's withholding sex and intimacy? (e.g. doesn't find you attractive, hates certain habits, just not feeling sexy, etc.?)
> 
> How do you feel about her? Still find her attractive, fun, etc.?





StillSearching said:


> Glad your here. You will plenty of good advice here.
> Well after reading your post, I'm sure I believe your wife sees it your way.
> "she had a midlife crisis at 38"...code for she had an affair.
> You should be done with it all. Good idea.
> Read "The Rational Male" and start getting on with your life, awakened and Happy.


She is far from perfect but I do not think she is a cheater. You cannot ever be 100% for certain but I do not think she would cheat. 

We have always told each other that we would end it before we did that.


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## Okie Texan

SpinyNorman said:


> Sorry things turned out this way. It isn't so unusual, even in marriages that didn't have the complications yours did.
> 
> You probably know your options as well as we do. It sounds like you want to split up, which is a sensible choice, but I recommend not antagonizing her. Consider divorce mediation. Making it vindictive will probably cost both of you a lot of money and make it harder w/ your kids. Of course, if she goes that route you can't help it.
> 
> As for never wanting a relationship again, you don't have to decide that now. It is only an issue if you do want a relationship, and stay in the marriage.
> 
> As for the assertion she cheated on you, that is pretty much inevitable when you post here.


I would not fight over things. We can value the retirement and home assets and split 50/50. 

I told her if we ever split she can have everything in the house. I would not want to start over with that stuff. Clean break and move on. Life is too short to fight over stupid stuff.


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## arbitrator

*I'm a very strong proponent of counseling, both IC and MC!

If she won't give consideration to it, then I don't see coaxing her to go!

Your time might be better spent talking to a good family lawyer about looking out for your vested interests and not getting screwed in the property division process!*


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## Betrayedone

Dude ....it's over. Start making plans and wrapping your head around it. You're young enough that you can move on and have a great life yet. Marriage is not meant to last forever and for most, it doesn't. You're the norm rather than the exception. If you're financially stable, in shape and don't look like a toad......stand by for some serious action should you choose ...........


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## Lostinthought61

When you tell her that if nothing improves dramatically I am filing for divorce does she say that she will do anything to say married?


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## blazer prophet

Okie Texan said:


> She says she is just not interested anymore. She says the anti-depressants have killed her drive.
> 
> Which I might understand but it does not account for the lack of any emotional attachment. During her midlife crisis she pulled back from the relationship and after a while I did, too. She was too flaky and could not decide if she really wanted to stay or go and this went on for a while. I went into self preservation mode and became emotionally detached, also. I worried about my kids and focused on myself. Now she tells me she likes it this way and says we have a great relationship. I told her we have no relationship. We go days without any real talk and we pretty much do everything separately. I think she wanted to leave during her midlife crisis but she chickened out.
> 
> I am emotionally numb to her. I have been pushed away so many times that I just quit caring. I don't know if I wanted to stay if I could make it work now.


My first wife suffered from depression and eventually, after trying to kill herself, went on meds. She was pretty much the same way. I have a few thoughts for you...

I didn't catch your age, but if closer to retirement and not willing to start over, you may want to stay together for convenience sake. I know a retired couple who are in the same boat. They agreed to stay married, but live somewhat separate lives. They rarely travel together and even have separate bedrooms. But they have forged a sort of friendship that serves them well. They get to benefit from their assets and it maintains the family. I think they even have come to appreciate each other more. 

Anyway, just food for thought.


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## farsidejunky

OT:

Every day, we choose to be where we are.

This means that despite her not even treating you with contempt (which would actually be better than indifference, which is where you are now), let alone love, you still choose to be there.

So, even if your words say you are not okay with this situation, your actions say otherwise. 

I'm not suggesting you should file for divorce...at least, not yet. There are other options.

That said, how do you know for certain her "party time" did not involve other males?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky

Okie Texan said:


> She is far from perfect but I do not think she is a cheater. You cannot ever be 100% for certain but I do not think she would cheat.
> 
> 
> 
> We have always told each other that we would end it before we did that.


So you truly have no idea.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky

Are you looking for someone to tell you it is okay to call it?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Spicy

Welcome to TAM. Sorry for the disappointing situation you are in. You are mostly going to get advice to cut bait and run. That’s not going to be my first advice, but I do have a few questions. 

Did the sex dwindle down to zero or did it stop suddenly? What changed a year ago? 

If no infidelity has happened and you both wanted in too, there are quite a few things you could try to do before scrapping it. If you haven’t done it, you should set up a time to sit down specifically to discuss if you both want to give it one more real try or not. Ultimately taking a few months to try again you won’t lose all that much in the big picture. You have a lot of time, family, memories and money invested. If you walk away without giving it another try, when maybe it could have worked, you stand to lose a lot more.

If after a detailed sit down talk, you both decide to perhaps “date” each other, here are some ideas. 

1.). She needs to return to her doctor and change anti depressants. I went through this with my ex A LOT. Just her changing to something like Wellbutrin could make a massive change in everything. Her feelings may come back, and her desire may come raging back too! Imagine if you could have your wife back with a simple medicine change! Would that be worth a couple more months to you? Only you two can decide.

2.) Since you are no longer spending time together, sharing intimacy etc, the relationship is dying, it has no nurturing. It is starved, dehydrated and withering away. It is both of your faults, but your here so I will ask you...When is the last time you brought her home a flower for no reason? Slipped her a thoughtful little note about something you find attractive about her? Planned a date? Went for a weekend away without the kids? Did one of the household chores she usually does just out of kindness. Perhaps if you take the lead and start to romance her, she will respond.

3.) Counseling helps a lot of people. You could give either IC, MC or both a try. 

If after you talk, you both decide this is pointless, absolutely do not start having sex with anyone else until you are fully divorced. Unless you both agree otherwise. Also, there is no reason in a situation like this that you cannot have a very amicable divorce. Also your post divorce relationship as the parents and eventual grandparents for your kids can be really good too if you both make it that way. Things don’t have to be ugly, people make horrible choices that cause things to have to be ugly. Don’t do that!

Whichever way you decide to go, you will have a large support group here who have been through very similar scenarios and we can help you navigate. I know we all wish you and your family the best.


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## Lostinthought61

49 is too young to spend it as a Monk....


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## aine

I like what @Spicy wrote above. Have you had that detailed sit down and talk or are you both just skirting around the issues? If it is the latter the marriage will eventually die completely and there will be zilch left. As it is it appears to be on its last legs. 
If she is confronted with the reality of a divorce will it change things?


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## In Absentia

Okie Texan said:


> She says she is just not interested anymore. She says the anti-depressants have killed her drive.
> 
> Which I might understand but it does not account for the lack of any emotional attachment. During her midlife crisis she pulled back from the relationship and after a while I did, too. She was too flaky and could not decide if she really wanted to stay or go and this went on for a while. I went into self preservation mode and became emotionally detached, also. I worried about my kids and focused on myself. Now she tells me she likes it this way and says we have a great relationship. I told her we have no relationship. We go days without any real talk and we pretty much do everything separately. I think she wanted to leave during her midlife crisis but she chickened out.
> 
> I am emotionally numb to her. I have been pushed away so many times that I just quit caring. I don't know if I wanted to stay if I could make it work now.



I think you married my wife. Welcome to my world. No sex for the last 17 months. I have decided to go now that the kids have grown up. I would have liked to rebuild the marriage, but I can't do it on my own. She detached years ago and so did I. Good luck!


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## wilson

Okie Texan said:


> Now she tells me she likes it this way and says we have a great relationship. I told her we have no relationship. We go days without any real talk and we pretty much do everything separately. I think she wanted to leave during her midlife crisis but she chickened out.


This situation will be really tough to rectify. Not only is there not any affection or intimacy, there's not really any sort of emotional relationship at all. There's not much of an emotional connection to build upon. You guys have shared experiences and memories, but that's not enough of a foundation to build a marriage upon. 

I think you may have to do something drastic if there's any hope. You need to do something like move out and file for divorce. Either it will shock her so much that she has an epiphany and changes, or else nothing will change and you'll be taking the first steps on your way to a new life.


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## Robert22205

I'm 70yo and see you as still very young. You've raised your kids and gave them nice family memories. Now you've got time for yourself (and a whole new life) and to find someone that is crazy about you (and you her). 

I think you're really asking how to break the news to your wife. 

One approach is to start IC for yourself (and discuss your life goals etc) .... and then get her to join you ... identify the issues and then lead her gently to the conclusion that divorce is good for both of you. 

I wish you both well.


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## SongoftheSouth

Robert22205 said:


> I'm 70yo and see you as still very young. You've raised your kids and gave them nice family memories. Now you've got time for yourself (and a whole new life) and to find someone that is crazy about you (and you her).
> 
> I think you're really asking how to break the news to your wife.
> 
> One approach is to start IC for yourself (and discuss your life goals etc) .... and then get her to join you ... identify the issues and then lead her gently to the conclusion that divorce is good for both of you.
> 
> I wish you both well.


Robert really nailed it with this. I agree with his approach and conclusion. All the best.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Okie Texan said:


> She is far from perfect but I do not think she is a cheater. You cannot ever be 100% for certain but I do not think she would cheat.
> 
> We have always told each other that we would end it before we did that.


Said *EVERY betrayed spouse* before they found out the truth. All signs point to a pretty torrid affair where she invested _way_ too much of herself into it, and once it was over, she had nothing left to reinvest into you. That's why things have never been the same since her supposed 'mid-life crisis.' I'm willing to bet my life on it. 

I've always said when a woman is done, she's *done* - and your wife is done. I'm not sure whether she's hanging around because she's financially dependent on you or whether she's just complacent as hell like you are. But she's done.

Your marriage is on life support at this point. Give it a mercy killing already.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Okie Texan said:


> Which I might understand but it does not account for the lack of any emotional attachment. During her midlife crisis she pulled back from the relationship and after a while I did, too. She was too flaky and could not decide if she really wanted to stay or go and this went on for a while.


Yeah, OP. That was an affair.



> I think she wanted to leave during her midlife crisis but she chickened out.


Yeah, OP. That was an affair.

It sounds like she _would_ have left if the timing and circumstances were right. There are a number of reasons why she may not have left if she was having an affair - if her affair partner was married, there was no future for her in that, so why leave? And if he was single, it's highly likely he didn't want to take on a married woman along with her angry betrayed husband, her unhappy kids, and all the drama and baggage that comes with a married woman. It's also totally possible that she felt too much responsibility and loyalty (crazy, right?) toward you and your kids and didn't want to break the family apart. There are a million more reasons (fear of the unknown - the devil that you DO know..., fear of looking like a complete POS for having an affair and breaking her family up over it, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.) 

But yeah. It was very very very likely an affair.


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## Mr.Married

With her marriage she is already %100 finished. She is only holding on for security now.

You are not at all likely to EVER get the emotionally intertwined marriage you seek.

The love ship has sailed long ago.


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