# Emotional impact of ED problems



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I would like to get some mens viewpoints on this. A man in mid to late 40's who has always been fairly virile suddenly gets ED problems brought on by work stress (ED was never a problem before). What does this do to the man emotionally? Does the way the wife handle it have consequences for the marriage? Any experience of this?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well men are not responding so I'll start out.

Yes how the wife handles it can have consequences.

How does he handle this? Gets a medical check to make sure there is not a physical component.

The he works on reducing his stress. Concentrate on the stress if that's the cause. Exercise part of the solution. Good sleep. Eating well.

A wife can help by being supportive to the that he is doing to handle the stress.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Aine
I think how the woman handles it makes all the difference. If she is happy to find other fun things to do in bed with him, he won't stress over it, and the problem may go away quickly. 

Like many men, I've had this problem occasionally (I AM in my 50s). The times it seemed to bother my wife, I would start to be concerned and it would get worse. Once she realized that I was happy to do other things to her, she stopped worrying and the problem would rarely last more than one evening.

Of course men react differently to things.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Have not had this happen yet but I'm sure one day. Not looking forward to it. I'm sure it will have a bearing on my reaction based on my partners reaction. I wouldn't think very fondly of anyone who got upset about something I physicslly couldn't help. Hopefully at that moment I will have a caring partner


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> Have not had this happen yet but I'm sure one day. Not looking forward to it. I'm sure it will have a bearing on my reaction based on my partners reaction. I wouldn't think very fondly of anyone who got upset about something I physicslly couldn't help. Hopefully at that moment I will have a caring partner


An eye opener, if things aren't so good in the relationship, this added to the mix doesn't do much for the OP as they think it is their fault not being able to satisfy the husband. What a mess! Husband not entirely present in relationship also leads to wife having suspicions that he is playing elsewhere, now I am not so sure of anything.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

aine said:


> An eye opener, if things aren't so good in the relationship, this added to the mix doesn't do much for the OP as they think it is their fault not being able to satisfy the husband. What a mess! Husband not entirely present in relationship also leads to wife having suspicions that he is playing elsewhere, now I am not so sure of anything.


I said all of this because I have a friend whose husband worked away alot, when he came home he had ED problems. However it transpired many years later that he had a lover (no problems there) where he worked!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

aine said:


> An eye opener, if things aren't so good in the relationship, this added to the mix doesn't do much for the OP as they think it is their fault not being able to satisfy the husband. What a mess! Husband not entirely present in relationship also leads to wife having suspicions that he is playing elsewhere, now I am not so sure of anything.


Interesting. Would never occur to me that a wife would think this was her fault. I was thinking more how embarrassing that would be for me. To this point in life I have never had even alcohol realted ED. That can literally work fine even if I'm so drunk I can't stand. So one day out of the blue it not working is going to come as a shock I'm sure.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

My ex had ED brought on by a physical condition and mental disorders. He flat out blamed me. I encouraged him to discuss the problem with his cardiologist who provided him with a prescription for viagra, but he refused to take it. (One night he actually threw the bottle at me). A few months later I discovered what a serial cheater he had been. So now I don't really know what to think. Was it the stress of ED brought on my his cardio-condition, was it his mental disorder, was it me, was it his infidelity.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

aine said:


> the mix doesn't do much for the OP as they think it is their fault not being able to satisfy the husband.





Wolf1974 said:


> Interesting. Would never occur to me that a wife would think this was her fault.


It's mroe common than you think. Woman blames herself thinking "What am I doing wrong here?"


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

How a woman reacts to this is HUGE. First, she should not be hurt and think it might have something to do with her. Of course there are instances where it does, but assuming things in the relationship are good, the first reaction should be that transitory occasional ED is very common and can be brought on by many things.

So, on the woman's side treat as 'no big deal, lets do something else today and try again some other time'.

For the man's part, don't be a pooper and get grouchy or blame yourself or your partner. It happens! Stuff happens. Keep on keepin on, and if it becomes common, look for medical or other remedial solutions.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

by 'something else today', I mean something fun, sexual, but not PIV


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening aine
I don't think ED is a sign of infidelity - it can happen for lots of reasons. 



aine said:


> I said all of this because I have a friend whose husband worked away alot, when he came home he had ED problems. However it transpired many years later that he had a lover (no problems there) where he worked!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

aine said:


> I would like to get some mens viewpoints on this. A man in mid to late 40's who has always been fairly virile suddenly gets ED problems brought on by work stress (ED was never a problem before). What does this do to the man emotionally? Does the way the wife handle it have consequences for the marriage? Any experience of this?


It can cast doubt in a man and fuel feelings of inadequacy. Depending on the severity and the attitude of both partners it may be a detriment to the relationship or not. If it's not a dealbreaker for the wife the downward spiral of performance anxiety and low self esteem for the guy will probably halt sooner. Whether the attitudes are good or not, the best course is exercise and good physical health, sweat the insecurity out, literally.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Men: is it common for a lot of ED to occur at 40? Like, no morning woodie at all and maybe going soft during intercourse? (40 and beyond).


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Men: is it common for a lot of ED to occur at 40? Like, no morning woodie at all and maybe going soft during intercourse? (40 and beyond).


Can happen at 37, or younger I'm sure. It's not a symptom of number of trips around the sun.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Men: is it common for a lot of ED to occur at 40? Like, no morning woodie at all and maybe going soft during intercourse? (40 and beyond).


I don't think organic ED is common in men 40 years old.

If a man around 40 has organic (physical/medical, i.e. no morning wood) erectile dysfunction it is probably indicative of a medical problem.

What is I think very common in men of ANY age is transitory non-organic, erectile dysfunction that can be induced by myriad psychological, external circumstances.

I was amazed a few years ago when I experienced transitory ED I began researching online and poked into an ED forum.
I was amazed how many young dudes (early 20's, late 20's) were experiencing this. Some may have been playing around with dope (which can affect), but others it seems were more just gun shy (intimidated by women) or other psychological stuff going on.

If the cause seems to be organic, get to the sawbones ASAP.

If the cause seems to be transitory (morning wood) then just ride it out. That's what I did and haven't had any issues now for about a year.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lon said:


> Can happen at 37, or younger I'm sure. *It's not a symptom of number of trips around the sun.*


What does this mean?



jorgegene said:


> If the cause seems to be organic, *get to the sawbones *ASAP.


I am going to start saying this all the time now.
Have never heard of it before. 

Thanks for that info, Jorge.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

aine said:


> I would like to get some mens viewpoints on this....... What does this do to the man emotionally?


A lot! As with most things in life, it will depend on him and his support system among others. He could feel that his very masculinity is threatened. His wife could humiliate him and make him angry at her. His friends could tell him no big deal, just hit the gym and lay off the alcohol. Too many variables.

It could trigger him to look elsewhere to see if he has ED with other women. There is no single answer.

In my opinion, it will make him question his masculinity and his self-image of who he is as a man and whether he is now "over the hill."



> Does the way the wife handle it have consequences for the marriage?


Absolutely! If she handles it badly it can be a wedge between husband and wife. I was in an Sex Starved Marriage (SSM) and my wife handled it badly. 

I have done some really long 100+ mile bicycle rides. Sometimes after such a ride a common side effect is "numbness down there" due to restricted blood flow caused by the hours of seat/saddle pressure. 

My wife following one such event, told me that if I want sex and intimacy, she expects my body to be ready, if it isn't I am obviously not horney enough and shouldn't bother her. 

The situation really made me angry at my wife and made me question my own masculinity, even though I knew the cause was external and I knew that I would heal in a couple weeks. Still even knowing the cause, I was uncertain about me as a functional man.

Her refusal at any form of foreplay and other forms of intimacy during this event during a bad phase of our SSM were just not in her mind. Actually, emotional support for me was also off the table. Not good times at all.

Part of my solution was to just igore my wife focus on myself and my life. I got massages to help heal the sore leg and arm muscles after the long ride. My masseuse was very skilled and understood all the body parts stressed during a long bike ride. As part of an overall 90 minute body massage, she gave me a special perineum (external prostate) massage to help improve blood flow to the area. That resulted in erections during the massages and a quick rebuilding of self-confidence. Even though she didn't do anything about my erection (no happy ending), she did comment on the fact that I was certainly a fully functional male.

She helped me both emotionally and physically to get back on my feet quickly.



> .....Any experience of this?


Yes and some of it was not pleasant.


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

Sorry for the long winded reply.
I had a short bout of ED after turning 50. I found it to be a culmination of things. We were having financial problems, I wasn't really taking my type 2 diabetes seriously, were almost roommates at that point and I was partially dehydrated. 
For me it was life shattering the first couple times the old willy wouldn't work. My wife actually thought it was her. 
After the third malfunction I made a Dr. appointment to discuss the issue. I also made an appointment with a dietician and was lucky enough to get in while I was there. The dietician went over all the different ways the diabetes affects ED and also did a quick hydration test. She was the biggest help for me. We checked my meter and test strips (which were no good) went over a new diet plan and even the reason why I had come to see her.
My doctor ordered complete blood work and when the results were in I went to see him. My testosterone levels were actually a little higher than what he usually sees in someone my age so that was ruled out. Blood pressure was 121/80 so no problem there. My A1c blood sugar level was just into the diabetic zone so the work with the dietician was paying big dividends there. The Dr. asked how things were at home and I told him we were having some financial and marital problems but were working in them. He actually suggested avoiding sex for a week or two and try focusing on the marital issues. 
After a few weeks willy was up and running. 
Stress seems to be the biggest factor in my case. Although diet and hydration also played a significant role in the ED. 
I've been hitting the gym 3x week doing free weights and also walking 3-5 miles a day. Lastnight, sex was supposed to be a quickie. It didn't quite work out that way. After 45 min. Of foreplay, we went at it. Usually I can go 5-10 min and that's it. Last night though, even after ejaculating I remained hard. This hasn't happened in years. I chalk it up to commitment to my wife, exercise and proper diet. Losing the extra pounds is sure helping as well. 
I'm my case it couldn't be pinpointed to one single issue. It seemed stress and lifestyle issues teamed up to cause the problem. I'm just thankful I had my dietician and Dr. To set me back on the right track. 
I hope things work out for you.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Jellybeans said:


> It's mroe common than you think. Woman blames herself thinking "What am I doing wrong here?"


Despite all of my efforts to stress 'it's not you ...' I had a number of relationships end because my partner kept trying to wrap her head around my condition, and she would take it very personally. 

Equally, I'd get a little miffed when a partner who despite appreciating my being forthright, would dismissively say, 'not to worry, it's all in your head.'

Is there a mental aspect that can be exacerbated by undue attention? There sure is.

But unless you have a prostate the size of baseball and it takes you 2 minutes to take a p!ss, don't tell me it's in my head.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

The medication I'm on is causing this to be an issue from time to time. I honestly wouldn't consider it to be a big deal for me--it takes me longer to jump to attention, and often requires a little more stimulation. The problem is that my wife has always been one to want to just jump right to the good part without spending any time on foreplay, and so far she hasn't been forthcoming in spending a little extra time on getting me there.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Equally, I'd get a little miffed when a partner who despite appreciating my being forthright, would dismissively say,* 'not to worry, it's all in your head.'*
> 
> But unless you have a prostate the size of baseball and it takes you 2 minutes to take a p!ss, don't tell me it's in my head.


:rofl:

The pun is too easy.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Is it common to never have morning wood?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

lack of morning wood indicates a medical problem.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> It's mroe common than you think. Woman blames herself thinking "What am I doing wrong here?"


it's happened to me and my first reaction was, what? as that had never been a problem before but as the relationship was in a bad place I assumed it was something to do with me, lack of attraction or even infidelity. Sex is not just a physical thing (for men) and cheating can have the same outcome. My reaction was far from supportive and that created more issues.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> I don't think organic ED is common in men 40 years old.
> 
> If a man around 40 has organic (physical/medical, i.e. no morning wood) erectile dysfunction it is probably indicative of a medical problem.
> 
> ...


I assume also the prolonged use of alcohol would also have an impact?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Fozzy said:


> lack of morning wood indicates a medical problem.





peacem said:


> This is how we discovered it was a medical problem rather than psychological.


Medical, how? Can you give examples? What kind of medical problems? I ask because I had a gentleman friend who never ever had morning wood and was anti-morning sex (now I know why) and would have problems getting hard... and sometimes went soft during.



aine said:


> My reaction was far from supportive and that created more issues.


Yeah but I think that women who ask something like that aren't meaning to be unsupportive. They just truly are wondering if it is them, if they're not sexually arousing their partner and so on...

Oh and I bet for sure alcohol can cause problems. Just like it can with so many things. Lol. "Whiskey dlck."


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Well, I know that cardio-vascular issues are a contributor to ED, as are prostate conditions.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

peacem said:


> As a guess your gentleman friend may be anti-morning sex because of confidence??


I think it's because he never had a morning woodie... And anytime I went for his junk, he'd ry to stop my hand.


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## justis (Mar 5, 2015)

I'm going through this now. Hello folks. First post. I was going to start my own thread on the subject, but after seeing this, why? I'm 59. My wife is almost 10 years younger and is still quite the babe. She still attracts men in their 20s. I've always been a voracious sex maniac and never had any ED problems, until last year. I had a brief series of failures. That was handled when I found my thyroid meds were not at the correct dosage. Then all was well until late last year we had serious marital problems. She was going to leave me. We worked it out but in counseling we dredged up some old unresolved stuff. I might write about this elsewhere. 24 years ago and another man. Details I had previously been unaware of - of a sexual nature. 

When we finally started getting it on after the second time I went soft. Now I have morning wood. I'm hard during foreplay. We have a lot of foreplay. But when I go to enter her I go soft. And even though she seems to be very wet during foreplay she gets dry. I'm using rubbers because she is no longer on the pill. By the time I stop, open the condom pack and roll it on, I've lost my erection. She said to just not use a rubber. I had to use KY though. And I had success. That was only a couple of nights ago, our last try. 

She's was supportive, for the most part, but then also sometimes visibly frustrated. I told her her anger, or displays of frustration doesn't help at all. She will give me a blowjob, which she somehow learned how to do really well this past year, but she doesn't really like it. 

So I'm hard during foreplay. I can get hard enough for a BJ, but intercourse is in the 30% zone or below. I think it's not physical. I think I still have issues stemming back almost 25 years ago. And it's too painful for her and us for me to keep bringing this stuff back up. But also the FACT that she was going to leave me (had actually left me. No other man was involved), had fallen out of love we me, after 25 years of marriage, I think has been devastating to Mr Willy. His confidence was shot.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

justis said:


> ....I've always been a voracious sex maniac and never had any ED problems, until last year.
> 
> ....She's was supportive, for the most part, but then also sometimes visibly frustrated.
> 
> ...I think it's not physical. I think I still have issues stemming back almost 25 years ago. And it's too painful for her and us for me to keep bringing this stuff back up. But also the FACT that she was going to leave me (had actually left me. No other man was involved), had fallen out of love we me, after 25 years of marriage, I think has been devastating to Mr Willy. His confidence was shot.


May I suggest marriage counseling, possible with a sex therapist.

If you are not ready for that, then you might want to read up on self hypnosis and affirmations as a way of reaching your subconscious mind, which seem to be the source of your ED problem. 

Specifically, affirmations on forgiving your wife for her past affair, affirmations on your love for your wife and your physical/carnal lust for your wife, affirmations on how good and strong an errection you have when you see and touch your wife, may all work wonders.

Good luck.


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## justis (Mar 5, 2015)

Thanks. Not interested in therapy. I've forgiven the actual affair. But new information on what they did sexually has thrown me for a loop. Actually if she'd be willing to do those things with me, I think that might solve the problem, but that was 25 years ago and she is a different person now, she says. This belongs in another thread though. The ring is a good idea.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Men: is it common for a lot of ED to occur at 40? Like, no morning woodie at all and maybe going soft during intercourse? (40 and beyond).


It's not dependent on age. 

My husband is in his early 20's and has those problems.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

I've had no issue's _yet_ and am in my early 50's.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Medical, how? Can you give examples? What kind of medical problems? I ask because I had a gentleman friend who never ever had morning wood and was anti-morning sex (now I know why) and would have problems getting hard... and sometimes went soft during.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Low testosterone levels, high cortisol hormone levels. It's not just women who have hormonal problems esp between 45 upwards. Then there is all the emotional ego related issues that come with it.


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## justis (Mar 5, 2015)

In my case it's certainly not a case of my wife not being attractive to me. She's THE sexual goddess for me. I mean no one is more attractive to me, period. And she KNOWS this, so it's all the more frustrating.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> What does this mean?



Others have answered partially, Jellybeans. Here's a more complete answer.

Erection is controlled by the autonomic nervous system. --Like goosebumps. Or blushing when you're embarrassed. Or erect nipples. Or a shiver going up your spine. Or a prickly feeling on the back of your neck.

Dysfunction strikes even young men occasionally, simply because it's outside the realm of conscious control.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

In my case, I've had transitory ED for as long as I can remember even going back to youth. I've always been in pretty good shape without any medical issues, so.....

Going back even a decade or so ago, I would go through a period of weeks where I would notice it would take a lot of work to get hard, and even a few times where I could not get completely hard.

I was a bachelor and didn't seek out women, so it was just not an issue.

I almost always would have morning wood though, although I wouldn't necessarily notice every night, but enough that I didn't worry about it much. As a truly single guy....who cares?

Fast forward to now. I'm married for just about two years. Need to perform for the wife 3 times a week. Beginning October 2013 - December 2013 I suddenly started experiencing transitory ED after being married for a few months without issues. Got meself some trial cialis and that solved the issue. Only used when I needed to.
30 trial pills lasted me about six months. Last May was the last time I used any, so that's about 10 months where I haven't needed any.

During the time I was experiencing some issues, the wife was a bit perplexed, but not negative. She put it down to not enough protein or too tired. She's very good about getting me hard and that's one reason I haven't had an issue for a while.

I do notice that at my age, it doesn't quite get or stay quite as hard or long as the old days, it's very adequate to please her and get the job done and we've had some marathons, so it just isn't a long term issue yet. Some day it will be for sure....but not yet.

Looking at my own history though, it just comes and goes. Young, old, in between, there's no rhyme or reason that sticks out (pun? yes).

Bottom line: It is a very complex physiological/psychological process that occurs, which in spite of relatively advanced science is just not understood much at all.

In summary; To those going through, just keep and eye out for medical issues. If you are getting morning wood, then it's almost for sure not medical. If you aren't get to the dr. If you are getting wood, then just seek out the best temporary remedies including supplements, gym work, and the big 3 (cialis, viagra, lavitra).


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## justis (Mar 5, 2015)

intheory said:


> So, she might get pregnant? If she's not been period-free for 12 consecutive months; there's always the possibility she could get pregnant. It's a remote chance; but it's still there.
> 
> She might have read stuff on the internet, or a woman's magazine; to get the techniques you don't recognize. Although it may feel a little cold that she didn't discover these methods by playing with you; it doesn't mean she is having an affair -- which you seem to be concerned about.


Nope. You're reading into it. I'm not the least bit concerned she's having an affair. She's not.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

justis said:


> Nope. You're reading into it. I'm not the least bit concerned she's having an affair. She's not.


You should start a thread bro.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justis (Mar 5, 2015)

I did. What, I can't respond to someone who has something to say to me?


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

justis said:


> I did. What, I can't respond to someone who has something to say to me?


I think it is more that your story sounds intriguing on its own.


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