# My Life Right Now



## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

My wife told me it was over on March 1st.

Her reasons: she felt we'd grown apart over several years and while she tried to get my attention I continued to shut her out and it got to the point where she decided enough was enough.

We tried counseling - at least I tried - she just went along for the ride.

I'm 38 and she's 34. We have two kids - a boy who is 5 and a girl who will be 3 in July.

We lost our first child back in November of 2008 - and honestly - I think I can trace a lot of our problems back to that. I've read that the loss of a child destroys a lot of marriages.

I'm not without blame. It takes two to tango, right? I'm guilty of not following through emotionally - and I won't get into details about why I think she's wrong in this regard and I am right and so on.

Personally, I think we had a great relationship - we faced some tough issues: the loss of a child, jobs with conflicting hours and really a lack of support from family (it always felt like an inconvenience when we'd ask someone to watch our kids to go out). Maybe that's the greatest tragedy - we had a great relationship and it just finally took enough hits where it couldn't survive.

Anyway - it is what it is. I want to keep fighting - she does not - and I am not willing to put the kids through the hell of a nasty divorce. We are approaching it as adults - working side-by-side to come up with the best plan possible. We will be fair and if all we have left is to be great co-parents - that is what we'll be.

I know I need to be strong for myself and my kids - and I have been. Part of me wants this to happen (even if I cannot admit it) - but I cannot truthfully deny it, either.

We probably were not making one another happy - and that we can agree on - the sticking point is that I feel we can work (or should at least try) to make one another happy again and she is resolute in her decision.

All this said - I'm both excited and scared for the future. I'm probably more scared right now than anything else - I'm not so much scared of being alone as I am scared of not finding someone like her. 

I'm sad that I'm losing 50% of my children's childhood.

I'm scared about my living situation. She doesn't want the house and if I scrimped and saved and cut back on everything I could probably just afford it - but that's not realistic - nor should I want to be so strapped that I cannot live life.

I'm having to come to terms with losing my wife - the woman I still love deeply and having to think about what this will do to my kids and having to give up the house I thought would be my place of residence until they hauled my out when I was old.

It's a lot to process and it hurts a lot.

I'm doing my best to make my peace with the situation. I'm going to get through this. If I could get through the loss of a child - I can get through this. I'm still young - I'm healthy - I'm outgoing and friendly - I'll be just fine.

...just so wish it didn't have to be this way.


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

You really aren't losing 50% of your children's lives.

Please don't think of it that way. The time you have with them will be more concentrated and productive!

It's going to be ok even though it's hard to imagine so.


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

Hey Milltown01,

I remember your posts as your situation is very, very similar to what happend to me. It's unfourtunate that you are right now in this position, you seem to be taking a very mature approach, even more matured tha i have and i've been longer in this situation.

What can i say, don't do or say anything that you might regret in the future i know i have. But you get caught in the heat of the momento and ego, pride and dignity gets in the way.

It's not easy being divorced against your will, but you can't forcé someone to love you.

Wished we weren't in this situation.


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

Sandie said:


> You really aren't losing 50% of your children's lives.
> 
> Please don't think of it that way. The time you have with them will be more concentrated and productive!
> 
> It's going to be ok even though it's hard to imagine so.


That is also true, the time you spend with them is now "quality time", but it still sucks. Here in my country women get full custody and fathers get visitaion rights and every other weekend, no 50/50 and that really saddens me missing out so mucb of my boy's life because my W felt "unhappy" and fed up with me. I own my mistakes and shortcomings, i never wanted this, there's not a damn thing i can do right now. Pisses me off.


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

I'm sorry to hear that you only get visitation rights - that shouldn't be okay - a child needs their mother AND their father.

I fought like hell to get her back into the fight - but she's made her decision.

I guess I like to think that at 38 I still have a lot more chapters to write. I'm trying to see it that way - but yeah, it still hurts a lot because I don't want to say goodbye to her like this.

I wish she could have given me more - and yeah, I feel like when the situation got tough she took the easy route - and that is very tough. I harbor some resentment over that.

That said, I want us to get through this together if it's the only route we have left. I want it to have as little impact on the kids as possible.

I want them to look back and say that their mom and dad hit an impasse in their relationship that they couldn't get past - but that they always put us first and worked through this like adults and you know what, they're still good friends and they've been good parents to us - even though they went their separate ways.


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

milltown01 said:


> I'm sorry to hear that you only get visitation rights - that shouldn't be okay - a child needs their mother AND their father.
> 
> I fought like hell to get her back into the fight - but she's made her decision.
> 
> ...


You got no idea how much it sucks to be a "weekend dad" when you want to be involved in eveything in your son's life, his mother doesn0't see it that way and that's something else we clash on.

I0m 39 and wife is 35 so we are one year older than you guys, but it's the same. I also harbor resentments because she didn0't put our son's needs first, she put hers first as she couldn't put up anymore with me, but i'm shure in her head she fought and she gave me all the chances, never told me though.

I still have trouble coping with it and we are 6 months separated now, fighting child support, custody and visitation rights and trying to sell the apartment, she giving me hell in all three.

I appreciate the maturity you are taking this as you don't want your kids to go thru this scarred. I don't get how can someone just give up like that having Young children, that part i've yet to grasp. How can someone just give up and tearing a family apart because they have felt "unhappy" for sometime, as if a D makes you instantly happy.

My w reasing was that she couldn't see herself happy with me in the future and that with her being unhappy with me i was going to be unhappy and my S would grow seeing that and thinking that is normal, two unloving parents or two parents arguiing because i would have given all but she didn't want it anymore. In a way she's right, but damn it, fight it, try to regain that loving feeling, you know, make one last attempt to see if anything can be done, she wouldnt, guess you can't force feelings.

Anyway, you have support in these fórums, you are not alone in this.


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

Regretf said:


> You got no idea how much it sucks to be a "weekend dad" when you want to be involved in eveything in your son's life, his mother doesn0't see it that way and that's something else we clash on.
> 
> I0m 39 and wife is 35 so we are one year older than you guys, but it's the same. I also harbor resentments because she didn0't put our son's needs first, she put hers first as she couldn't put up anymore with me, but i'm shure in her head she fought and she gave me all the chances, never told me though.
> 
> ...


I should be thankful that we're at least amicable about all of this. Heck, we still sleep in the same bed at night! 

I can accept that maybe we both weren't entirely happy in our relationship and I can accept that I didn't follow through in some regards.

What I cannot accept is simply walking away. I feel she has done that.

In her mind, our relationship is forever broken and she cannot see herself happy with me. She feels she's given me enough chances and that she's been burned too many times. 

I feel like I'm finally in the game (and yeah, I'll take the blame if I wasn't fully engaged before) and I'm upset that she won't even consider fighting for what we had.

We've been together for 12 years - married for nearly 9. We've gotten through the loss of a child. We've had more good moments than bad - far more. As recently as a month ago she was willing to continue fighting and then BLAM - something clicked and she realized she had to make this decision.

There has never been any infidelity or abuse or neglect. We're both good people - flawed - but good. I think we both ultimately want what's best for one another in all areas except us - she wants to go in a new direction and there is a big part of me that wants to fight together (though like I said before - there might be a part of me that I cannot yet confront that maybe agrees with her).

I do believe we both want one another to come out of this as okay as possible.

It's just tough. I have so many conflicting emotions going on in my head. I'm really - again - at the end of the day just grieving for what we had - all of the memories - and grieving for what I think we still could have.


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

...and yes...I'll go down swinging in some regards. I have not 100% given up on winning her back - though it is VERY unlikely - and I am moving forward like it's not going to happen...

...that said...she knows how I feel...and when I can get a couple of "points" in - I'm definitely trying to do so.

Maybe I'm naive - maybe not - but I won't stop fighting for her heart (at least fully) until one (or both) of us has moved on.


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

milltown01 said:


> ...and yes...I'll go down swinging in some regards. I have not 100% given up on winning her back - though it is VERY unlikely - and I am moving forward like it's not going to happen...
> 
> ...that said...she knows how I feel...and when I can get a couple of "points" in - I'm definitely trying to do so.
> 
> Maybe I'm naive - maybe not - but I won't stop fighting for her heart (at least fully) until one (or both) of us has moved on.


Oh Milltown Reading your posts they could have been written by me. I'm still grieving my M, just typing this i get teary eyed. how could i have been so blind to not see that she was unhappy, how could i think everything was going to be OK when it clearly wasnt? Wasted chance like you said.

IDK, if you said there was no infidelity, abuse or neglect (neither in our case) though we neglected each other, what is your W reason for unhappiness?, does she work? is she fullfilled with her profesional life. i don't get how can somebody have evrything but at the same time not happy. Sounds like you guys felt into a rut, same thing happen to us, why does it have to be so difficult?


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

Regretf said:


> Oh Milltown Reading your posts they could have been written by me. I'm still grieving my M, just typing this i get teary eyed. how could i have been so blind to not see that she was unhappy, how could i think everything was going to be OK when it clearly wasnt? Wasted chance like you said.
> 
> IDK, if you said there was no infidelity, abuse or neglect (neither in our case) though we neglected each other, what is your W reason for unhappiness?, does she work? is she fullfilled with her profesional life. i don't get how can somebody have evrything but at the same time not happy. Sounds like you guys felt into a rut, same thing happen to us, why does it have to be so difficult?


I honestly trace a lot of this back to the fact that we lost our first child - our daughter - at birth back in 2008. I think it changed us in ways we couldn't understand. We gradually pulled apart without even noticing. I've read that the death of a child can be one of the biggest destroyers of marriages out there. 

To her credit - she tried to pull me back in - I just didn't hear here like she needed me to hear her.

I can think of specific instances where I knew I should have stepped up and shown that I was still in the relationship - and I didn't do it. Why? I can't say - maybe just the fatigue of everyday life. I don't know.

That said - once she took me to the wall and told me she had enough - I think she said bailed too quick. She said that once she makes a decision she sticks with it - and I don't think marriage works that way.

Once she had my attention - she should have fought alongside me. 

Who knows - I just know that life must go on and it will.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Read DayOne and/or Bagdon


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

One thing that struck me about your post is that you said you are both working through the process like adults. I have to disagree with that. Your wife is not being adult about this. You aren't going through something that can't be worked out. I agree that death of a child is a major issue and people deal with this differently, some withdraw other support the other...that by iteself shouldn't kill a marriage. Instead of working together on the divorce, you should be fighting to save the marriage. If I were in your shoes, I would not agree to a divorce and if she still wants one, I would drag her through the mud, because she would deserve it and let her know you intend to do so. I think you're selling yourself short here. Make there be some consequesnces to wanting to kill a marriage that can be saved.


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

milltown01 said:


> I honestly trace a lot of this back to the fact that we lost our first child - our daughter - at birth back in 2008. I think it changed us in ways we couldn't understand. We gradually pulled apart without even noticing. I've read that the death of a child can be one of the biggest destroyers of marriages out there.
> 
> To her credit - she tried to pull me back in - I just didn't hear here like she needed me to hear her.
> 
> ...


I hear you, like i said similar situation. At least you are still living together so MAYBE something can be done, IDK. Try with all your heart and soul and BRAIN.


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