# AffairS 3 months before wedding day



## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

This is quite difficult for me as I am a female and as you all might know females have a hard time admitting to their faults/flaws. 
I have been with my husband for 6 years, married for 3. I have previous posts on here, but have yet to admit to my story ... So, here goes : 
When I first met my now husband, I had just gotten out of a relationship/friendswithbenefits and was very fragile...I guess you could say my husband was the "rebound" guy... The "friendswithbenefits" guy was someone I grew up with, became very close friends with ... to be completely honest i was always waiting for it to become a real relationship because i wasnt looking for cheap games
The OM was constantly in and out of my life, sometimes we would try being in a steady relationship, but things were always shaky and he always had power over me somehow, I would say it has something to do with his "bad boy" attitude that us women are drawn to ... unfortunately. 
When hubby and I met, OM and I had "officially broken off things" as I was hurting (go figure, female) and he still "didnt want to risk our friendship" so we were each going our separate way.
Met my hubby and just started off as friends, something new, yet I wasnt trusting and was still very volatile. When my hubby asked that I be his gf, I was honest and told him I didnt want either one of us hurt and I could already foresee it in the future, he told me it was my decision to make, and anything I wanted would be okay with him, I went ahead and gave in, told him I'd give it a try, but couldnt make any promises just yet. 
We were bf/gf for about 2 weeks and my mind was constantly returning to OM and I just couldnt hurt this new man in my life, he had nothing to do with my past and I didnt want to bring him down a hurtful road, therefore, I broke things off with him, told him "my heart belongs to another man" and we separated. 
I did not have any communications with OM, didnt try to contact him and vice versa. Would constantly bump into now hubby, at gym, here and there, we'd keep it light, "hello" .. "hows your day" ... and eventually "lets grab a bite" .. eventually we were contacting each other once more and things slowly started to settle in place between us. We grew attached to one another, spent many hours of the day together, studied, worked, did everything together. Then he had to leave state, as he was only visiting family where I lived and from there we continued a long distance relationship for 3 years ... visiting each other whenever the oppurtunity came up, we kept in touch through daily chat, cams, phone calls, etc. I was hooked to him. I felt that for the first time i had honestly come to love someone with all my being and did not have to worry that he would ever take advantage of me nor would he hurt me. I was open with him more than i have ever been with anyone and vice versa. Two years into our relationship he proposed and we began building our future together .. I was ecstatic. 
On our third year of being together I went to visit him for the summer, complete wedding plans, as we were going to wed in his state, and life couldnt get any better. Then on my visit I bumped into OM (friendswithbeneftis guy) whom just happened to be in the same state, same time, and I honestly had no clue as I had not been in contact with him since hubby and I had been together. Things were quite awkward at first, "been a long time, how you been? , where you at in life? , whats new? , anyone in your life?" and then the communication began. We swapped #s, started text, he was going to be in same state for a cpl weeks, and wanted to get together for coffee ... (i know what you're thinking, but I am laying out everything as truthful as it gets because I am here to admit my own faults so I will not play with any of the details) 
I told hubby that I bumped into him, he asked what my reaction had been, i told him truthfully what went down, told him he gave me his # and we laughed about it knowing that, of course there would be no contact between OM and I. 
Well, there was contact. It started lightly, and it was also very awkward to say the least. OM and I were always used to a certain type of talk and now 3 years later, we had nothing to say. I filled him in on the new man in my life, he asked if I loved him, he asked if I planned to marry him, where we were to live, etc etc. At first I bragged, then with the days I made it sound like I was unhappy. Not that I was. But I wanted this OM's sympathy. I wanted to hear him say that he messed up by letting me go, I wanted to hear him say that he missed me, I wanted to hear him say that my soon to be husband is one heck of a lucky man. I didnt. Soon the flirting began, one thing lead to another, and when I returned home I continued to contact him throughout the months before my wedding. I wanted to hear him say "call it off!!", not that I would have, but I wanted to feel wanted by this OM, I had always wanted to feel wanted by him, and I never did, so he picked up right where he left off and I again tried to make him fall for me like I had always tried before. The texts became chats, the chats became cams, the cams became in person (nothing physical, i promise) and my soon to be husband had no clue what was going on. I started to feel guilty as I honestly admit I had no feelings for this OM, he was just a challenge, and I longed to hear what I had before i met my soon to be hubby from him and I just wished it would come out of him, eventually I told him to lay off and that I was deeply in love with my fiance and didnt want any bumps in my road, and he was a very huge bump. he laid off ... 
Fast forward October (husband and I were to be married in June of the following year) I started work at a new place, and was preparing for our wedding, happy as ever, in love and building all of our dreams cautiously. We were still in a long distance relationship and sometimes that did take a toll on us, sometimes the pressure of work, and wedding preparing and all of it would just come crashing down on us and we'd take out our frustrations on one another, but deep down we loved each other like no other 2 ever did and I couldnt ever see my life without him. At work I started meeting new people, hanging with new people, my social life became funner, and I was starting to get to know a coworker of mine deeper. He was extremely attracted to me and I the same. I told him from day 1 i was engaged and he got the message. He also told me about his long term gf of 7 years, also introduced me to her one night and we were simply coworkers. 
Then projects started to stack up, x-mas was around the corner and we had later nights at work. started to hang out together more often, him at my office, me at his. work during the weekends to get projects finished, he'd help me with what he could and vice versa. it started to develop into a very good friendship although there was lots of tension in the air as both of us had tons of chemistry between us. I started to slack off in communicating with my fiance. Spoke to him less during the days. Didnt have much time during the nights because Id be extremely exhausted and things dragged from there. I tried not to show anything to my fiance, as I still did love him. I simply thought it was hubby-to-be only. He started consuming my thoughts more often, and I became afraid of what might end up happening. I started to confide in my closest friend, whom told me to be careful, I was in for trouble, and to try to keep it as professional as possible without seeing each other outside of work. I tried. So hard. I failed. (i dont want to continue with details as it would take forever) Coworker and I grew very attached to one another, constantly at each others sides. We enjoyed one anothers company. I worked at the same place as him until May of the following year, just before I was to leave for my wedding. 
Got married, forgot about these guys, and tried to move on with my husband and tell myself that what I did was something anyone would do right before getting married. Wedding jitters. As hubby and I went further in into our marriage, the guilt started to eat at me. Constantly. I was very much in love with my husband and had forgotten about the two OM, never thought of them anymore, didnt keep in touch with them at all after marriage and wanted to be the perfect wife. I couldnt.
I started purposely picking fights with hubby. I wanted him to leave me. I needed him to leave me. I needed him to get justice for what I'd done to him. I was severely depressed. I lost alot of weight. Stopped working. And husband couldnt understand why. He truly thought I was unhappy in my marriage with him. Whenever he'd approach me I'd break things, tell him to get away from me, and the look of innocence in his eyes killed me ... it still does, and I still cannot look him in his eyes. 
Things would somewhat get better for me, then if I would hear of a cheating spouse the world would come crashing down on me, as though all eyes were on me. And my mood swings would start. And depression would kick in. And Id have these for weeks and weeks before husband could get anything out of me. Id make excuses. That the first year of marriage is the hardest. That im not used to this. blah blah blah. The nicer he got, the worst I would become. I couldnt handle being married to a nice man. I didnt deserve a nice man. Eventually he grew tired of my tantrums, the weeks turned into months, months to years, and then we were married for 2 1/2 years. 
Last November he was going through my old laptop, came upon chat history and woke me up from my sleep to confront me. He was broken. After my confession I left and went back home for 2 weeks. Told him that he deserved the world. That he was the only man I would ever die for. And by me leaving, I was going to die for him, but I would risk anything and do anything to have him find a girl that deserved him and wouldnt betray him the way I did. 
He never said he wanted a divorce. And he never said he wanted to remain married to me either. He was always quiet. I would call to check up on him and he would just remain quiet. I lost so much weight throughout the weeks, was falling out of my clothes and couldnt survive not seeing him and making sure that he was okay. I was always the one to make things okay for him and here I am the one that killed him and wasnt making things okay too. I went back. Fell to his feet. Begged him to forgive me. Told him Id do anything in the world to gain his forgiveness. If he didnt want me it would be fine. And if he did I would live forever making it up to him. He took me back. And since then our life has been a whole lot more than a rollercoaster. 
There are up days and down days. But the down days are so much more. Its been almost 7 months since he found out and I cannot stop crying. Everyday. I beg him to leave and find another girl. He refuses. He says he had flaws when we met and he had his own problems when we met and one day into our relationship when he told me to go on and seek a better partner I told him "im not with you for happiness only, im with you for it all, i cant chose just some of you, i want all of you, the entire package, and i will learn to deal with the entire package" and he says those words sank into his heart and he wants me to know that he speaks them back to me now and he means them. 
I know deep down he still thinks of it. Sometimes he wakes me at nights to ask me qs. He asks how far things went. Why I did what I did. Why I married him. And I give him all answers truthfully. I never lie to him. And then he goes through depression mode for days-week. Knocks out of it. And when he becomes good with me I go through depression mode. Because I feel I do not deserve him. He says he knows im trying to make him leave me. But he never will. And we will get past this. But I feel suicidal. I cannot look him in the face. I cannot touch him without thinking of what I did. I cannot fathom whats going on in his head. When he tells me he loves me it feels like a million knives have entered me. I break down. And he says i know it hurts you and kills you when i say it, but I do love you. 
I dont know what to do anymore. Ive thought of leaving. Ive thought of suicide. We do not have any kids. I want him to go on with his life before its too late. I want him to find another that would appreciate and love him and treat him like royalty. He deserves the world. And I betrayed him. Please ppl, its been 3 and a half years since my acts and I cannot forget. I cannot sleep. I have nightmares and wake up screaming and crying. A week ago him and I were out together, he suddenly holds my hand and says "Listen, I know its eating at you, and you are one of the nicest, most caring people Ive ever met, and i know your guilt will kill you one day, but you need to know that I have forgiven you, and in forgiving you, you need to feel like you're reborn, we need to close this chapter and put it behind us and become the best together because we have so much potential together" i broke down in public. I couldnt handle how sweet his words were. ( I dont know what to do anymore. Please help.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like you are in a serious depression. 

Have you seen a doctor and an individual counselor? You seriously need some help.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

okay wait...I'm a little confused. You had an emotional affair with the first guy, but did you have a physical affair (PA) with the second guy or was that an EA as well?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You really need IC. If you honestly love him as much as you say, then you need to fix you.

You told him you would be the wife he deserves and do anything to keep him, but you've not kept your word on that. Instead you've fallen into a deep emotional crisis.

Fufill your promise and get IC to help pull yourself together so you can do what you said you would. He did his part, now use your love and do yours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

EleGirl & Shaggy - I know I need IC  there's no denying that. Ive broken down so many times and told him that I need help and I feel as though I have all symptoms of depression and would like to see a psychiatrist for help, yet he insists I don't need any help and it's only a matter of time before I heal and get over my pain. But I honestly would love to get professional help, unfortunately where I'm living has nothing professional and I cannot find a good doctor. Tomorrow I'm flying home to see a doc for the weekend, and hopefully I can get the help I need. Thank you both for your honesty


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

Crossbar - after meeting my hubby I had no PA with OM #1. I spoke on the phone, texted, cams, so forth before cutting off all ties. With coworker it was just the fact that i hid details from him. went to lunch and dinner with him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

amillionpieces85 said:


> EleGirl & Shaggy - I know I need IC  there's no denying that. Ive broken down so many times and told him that I need help and I feel as though I have all symptoms of depression and would like to see a psychiatrist for help, yet he insists I don't need any help and it's only a matter of time before I heal and get over my pain. But I honestly would love to get professional help, unfortunately where I'm living has nothing professional and I cannot find a good doctor. Tomorrow I'm flying home to see a doc for the weekend, and hopefully I can get the help I need. Thank you both for your honesty


He says that you do not need help… he’s not in your head. You are the only one who is in your head 24/7. You know what is going on with you. So take yourself to see a doctor. You do not need his permission to go. 

You also do not need to see a psychiatrist to get anti-depressants. Your family doctor can determine your need and prescribe them. As for counseling…. You probably do not need psychiatrist for that either. 

Hopefully that doc can help you. 

If there is no counseling where you live, there are a lot of self-help books that can help you self-counsel.


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> He says that you do not need help… he’s not in your head. You are the only one who is in your head 24/7. You know what is going on with you. So take yourself to see a doctor. You do not need his permission to go.
> 
> You also do not need to see a psychiatrist to get anti-depressants. Your family doctor can determine your need and prescribe them. As for counseling…. You probably do not need psychiatrist for that either.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I will look into those right now thru iBooks and hopefully I will find something. I am going out of state tomorrow for some help. And hopefully can continue from here once I get back. I am ready to do anything to get back the life in his eyes. I feel like I am looking in zombies eyes when I look into them. I want our innocent relationship back. And am willing to go to the ends of anything to hear him laugh from his heart once more. I'm praying for the best


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## Lost12 (May 6, 2012)

This is what you wrote in July of 2011, 



> When I first met my husband I told him I care of nothing in the world, i dont care about money, luxuries, basically I care for none of the materialstic crap. I said I will be with you through thick and thin, till I die, but 2 things will make me get the hell out. 1 - cheating, 2 - if you ever lay a hand on me.


You cheated on him and had a physical affair with another man and are talking about the importance of fidelity? I'm sorry if I'm off base but you seem to be the biggest hypocrite in the world. No wonder you felt so sick. You were chastising your husband for essentially watching porn (if I'm understanding your previous posts correctly) while having MULTIPLE AFFAIRS on him. I wouldn't be able to sleep if I was that big of a hypocrite.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Lost layoff----or do you just like to kick people while they are down

She admits, to her faults, and to trying to get her H., to move on w/out her, for what she has done---It is he who has taken her back------

Let me ask you something---do you have trouble with the english language, or was the print not clear enuff for you, or maybe you just don't understand the meaning of the words in the english language.

Yes this is a public forum, and you can say what you want---but don't come in here, blasting people who have already admitted their wrongs, and who are trying to do right---on top of which she already has major problems, and she doesn't need you to chastise her!!!!!!!!


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

Lost - I agree with you 100%. I did speak of the importance of fidelity after we married more specifically because my infidelity was killing me and I knew it will eventually catch up with me and kill my marriage and it has done just that. I admit to my mistakes. And I've owned up to what I've done. Im paying for what I've done and will continue to pay for what I've done till I die. No need for your extra harsh bullcrap. By the way - I wasn't being hard on him for porn - it was for his EAs that he had AFTER we married.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Lost12 said:


> This is what you wrote in July of 2011,
> 
> 
> 
> You cheated on him and had a physical affair with another man and are talking about the importance of fidelity? I'm sorry if I'm off base but you seem to be the biggest hypocrite in the world. No wonder you felt so sick. You were chastising your husband for essentially watching porn (if I'm understanding your previous posts correctly) while having MULTIPLE AFFAIRS on him. I wouldn't be able to sleep if I was that big of a hypocrite.


She's trying to atone, give her a break for god's sake


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

jnj express said:


> Hey Lost layoff----or do you just like to kick people while they are down
> 
> She admits, to her faults, and to trying to get her H., to move on w/out her, for what she has done---It is he who has taken her back------
> 
> ...


Thank you jnj. That just meant the world to me.


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

And thank you complexity. No need for you guys to defend me, although I do appreciate it and it means the world to me, but that's her opinion and to each their own. I have bigger concerns on my mind and bigger issues to deal with than someone's opinion of me. He/she is definitely not the person I am trying to fix amends with right now


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## Lost12 (May 6, 2012)

I wasn't trying to be harsh. I was just blown away by the dissonance in her previous posts. 

Your betrayed husband is in my prayers. Asking tough questions can help people figure out their thoughts. That was all I was trying to do. 

I'm sure these are questions her husband is asking or thinking. How can she berate me for porn/web-camming while she has betrayed me in the worst way possible? 

Your husband had online EA's. You had multiple long term EA's and had sex with another man. Its just my opinion but I think you were very wrong to be so self-righteous in dealing with his mistakes while having and hiding your unfaithfulness. 

I hope you guys can work through it. Your husband seems to be a saint to be so forgiving. His wife had sex with another man days before their wedding and he is willing to look past it. Most people would not forgive a betrayal so deep. It is your chance now to be the woman he deserves. Don't abuse his forgiveness.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Amillionpieces------you and your H---have opened this up completely---it has been discussed, chopped up, spit out---and everything else

Your H---has forgiven, and taken you back

You have served your pennance, you have served your time, I am sure you would be a good, and faithful wife, in the future

Start from now today---make it a new mge, rising from the ashes of the old mge

Stop beating yourself up-----you have a good, kind, loving H---who wants a life, with you his wife---give him, and you, that life.

It is your sub-conscious that is causing you, your problems, find an IC, who specializes in dealing with the difficulties, you are having, and give yourself, and your H. peace, and contentment.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If her husband was engaging in EA's then he is no saint. As husband who forgave his unfaithful ex-wife but chose not to reconcile with her, I wish her and her husband the very best.



> I am a female and as you all might know females have a hard time admitting to their faults/flaws


Really? So do us males.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

OP is a drama queen... She thrives on drama. That would be hard to fix..

Psychology101 - BPD?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> OP is a drama queen... She thrives on drama. That would be hard to fix..
> 
> Psychology101 - BPD?


Have you been betrayed, warlock?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Why do you ask?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Why do you ask?


Because you sound like a hurt soul of betrayal. Am I wrong?


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

Thank you jnj. I appreciate the way you've stood with me throughout this painful time. It means a lot to me. 
Update : he left. Today. I posted a new thread. Please advice.


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