# Why Can't I Just Get Over It?



## SBS (10 mo ago)

We separated in September of 2020 after the woman he had an affair with called to say that she was pregnant. For about four or five months he acted as though he wanted to work things out. I admit I had mixed emotions and wasn't sure what I wanted to do. He asked me to wait for paternity results, before filling for divorce. We were in constant contact for about 5 or 6 months. Then he just stop calling and stop trying to do anything to reconcile. I was really confused. I recently found out during the time he went silent he moved in with the woman and their new baby. I'm so frustrated with myself. I completely fell for his BS! How could I have been so blind and naive? I keep reliving the infidelity on my soon to be ex husband's part. He had two affairs that I know of. He's engaged and we're not yet divorced. Why can't I just move on? I'm angry with myself because I can't seem to get over my disbelief of the entire situation. He left the children and I and acts as though we don't exist. How can I get over this extreme anger? How does someone completely dismiss an entire family of 15 years?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Have you been able to talk to anyone about all this?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

SBS said:


> We separated in September of 2020 after the woman he had an affair with called to say that she was pregnant. For about four or five months he acted as though he wanted to work things out. I admit I had mixed emotions and wasn't sure what I wanted to do. He asked me to wait for paternity results, before filling for divorce. We were in constant contact for about 5 or 6 months. Then he just stop calling and stop trying to do anything to reconcile. I was really confused. I recently found out during the time he went silent he moved in with the woman and their new baby. I'm so frustrated with myself. I completely fell for his BS! How could I have been so blind and naive? I keep reliving the infidelity on my soon to be ex husband's part. He had two affairs that I know of. He's engaged and we're not yet divorced. Why can't I just move on? I'm angry with myself because I can't seem to get over my disbelief of the entire situation. He left the children and I and acts as though we don't exist. How can I get over this extreme anger? How does someone completely dismiss an entire family of 15 years?


It's a lot to process, no doubt about it. You think you know someone and you think they at least have some sort of abiding love and care enough for you not to just tear your world apart, and then they do just to get laid.

It's just going to take you some time. And don't expect to be the same person at the end of it. You're welcome here anytime to blow off steam or vent or try to make sense of things. His priorities were just so much different from yours and apparently his ethics as well. He wasn't who you thought he was 100% percent.


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## SBS (10 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Have you been able to talk to anyone about all this?


I'm in therapy and I have shared with a few family members. Sometimes.. I feel like I'm going nowhere in this healing process. One day I'm okay and the next I'm feeling pathetic and weak.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Being able to just move on is a bit unrealistic. Every day that you put one foot in front of the other is a victory. Celebrate those small wins. The fact that your life got turned upside down during a pandemic didn't help. You were probably isolated at the beginning. So that slowed your healing too

You had a life with him & a vision for your future. All that got ripped away. You aren't going to let go of that quickly. So start by cutting yourself a break. 

What are you doing to build yourself a new life? Concentrate on fun indulgent stuff for yourself. When you can be kinder to yourself & recognize how far you have come it will be easier to keep going through your new normal.


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## SBS (10 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's a lot to process, no doubt about it. You think you know someone and you think they at least have some sort of abiding love and care enough for you not to just tear your world apart, and then they do just to get laid.
> 
> It's just going to take you some time. And don't expect to be the same person at the end of it. You're welcome here anytime to blow off steam or vent or try to make sense of things. His priorities were just so much different from yours and apparently his ethics as well. He wasn't who you thought he was 100% percent.


Thank you for your response. I know that I should be patient with myself. However, I was so blindsided that I don’t know if I will recover. I try to stay strong for my children. But when I'm alone I just end up falling apart.😔


D0nnivain said:


> Being able to just move on is a bit unrealistic. Every day that you put one foot in front of the other is a victory. Celebrate those small wins. The fact that your life got turned upside down during a pandemic didn't help. You were probably isolated at the beginning. So that slowed your healing too
> 
> You had a life with him & a vision for your future. All that got ripped away. You aren't going to let go of that quickly. So start by cutting yourself a break.
> 
> What are you doing to build yourself a new life? Concentrate on fun indulgent stuff for yourself. When you can be kinder to yourself & recognize how far you have come it will be easier to keep going through your new normal.


Yes, the pandemic did not help my cause at all. I was isolated for quite some time. To answer your question on what I'm doing to build a new life for myself, I recently started taking classes to obtain my MBA. I'm in therapy and I'm spending more time with family and friends.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

SBS said:


> I'm in therapy and I have shared with a few family members. Sometimes.. I feel like I'm going nowhere in this healing process. One day I'm okay and the next I'm feeling pathetic and weak.


This was a big hit to your self-esteem. As far as continuing to feel pathetic and weak, whether you feel like it or not, my suggestion is that you start deliberately scheduling something to do at least once a week just for yourself. If you have a hobby then do that. Get active. I'm not talking about something for your kids. I'm talking something that will make you feel good. You may have to find a new activity. Something active would be great, whether it's kayaking or bowling, but you might also take a class in something you're interested in. Any accomplishments you make on these interests will help build up your damaged self-esteem. And having something to do that brings you joy will give you a break from the repetitive thoughts. And it will also start rebuilding your new life.


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## SBS (10 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's a lot to process, no doubt about it. You think you know someone and you think they at least have some sort of abiding love and care enough for you not to just tear your world apart, and then they do just to get laid.
> 
> It's just going to take you some time. And don't expect to be the same person at the end of it. You're welcome here anytime to blow off steam or vent or try to make sense of things. His priorities were just so much different from yours and apparently his ethics as well. He wasn't who you thought he was 100% percent.


I'm starting to realize I never really knew him at all. He's lied to me so much that I don't know what's real or fake anymore. I blocked him at one point because I was sick of the constant gaslighting and manipulation. He then started to text me threatening messages from a spoofed phone number and calling my aunt. He went on a small smear campaign telling his relatives and mine that I never wanted to work things out with him.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

SBS said:


> I'm starting to realize I never really knew him at all. He's lied to me so much that I don't know what's real or fake anymore. I blocked him at one point because I was sick of the constant gaslighting and manipulation. He then started to text me threatening messages from a spoofed phone number and calling my aunt. He went on a small smear campaign telling his relatives and mine that I never wanted to work things out with him.


Meaning you never wanted to believe his lies ever again. I just think once you get past this initial horrible trauma and accept it, that your life is going to be so much more peaceful. Just don't go out and find another one just like him.


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## SBS (10 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Meaning you never wanted to believe his lies ever again. I just think once you get past this initial horrible trauma and accept it, that your life is going to be so much more peaceful. Just don't go out and find another one just like him.


I can honestly say that finding someone else is not in my immediate future. I don't currently trust my decision making where a partner is concerned. I just want to heal.. I'm hopeful that life will get better for me as time goes on. Thank you for your kindness.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

SBS said:


> I'm starting to realize I never really knew him at all. He's lied to me so much that I don't know what's real or fake anymore. I blocked him at one point because I was sick of the constant gaslighting and manipulation. He then started to text me threatening messages from a spoofed phone number and calling my aunt. He went on a small smear campaign telling his relatives and mine that I never wanted to work things out with him.


You weren’t thinking it was over at the time you felt the need to block him? That’s a pretty extreme move on your part; you were already moving on from his world of lies and control. I would look to that date as the time you began your recovery. You’re further along on the path to your new and better life than you think.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Forgiving ourselves has got to be one of the hardest things. Give yourself some grace, you were in love with a bad guy, but…there’s no shame in that. It happens. This does not define you. 

Just know you will heal someday, one day at a time.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

SBS said:


> I'm in therapy and I have shared with a few family members. Sometimes.. I feel like I'm going nowhere in this healing process. One day I'm okay and the next I'm feeling pathetic and weak.


Honey, you're grieving. While grief is often described as having 5 stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, that doesn't mean its a linear process. You don't just move through them one at a time to a schedule and you're done. You'll find you move between stages, you may skip a stage all together or get stuck in one of them.

You're being way too hard on yourself wondering why you can't "just get over it", that's just not realistic x


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Part of the reason you are not over him is that there was a period when you were continuing to engage with him. Having to deal with him texting you & contacting your family has dragged out your healing process. Frankly that behavior would have made me seriously angry & anger can be motivating. It would have spurred me toward a full disconnect. 

Good for you for furthering your education & working with a therapist. Those two positives will help you heal. Keep up the good work!


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## SBS (10 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> This was a big hit to your self-esteem. As far as continuing to feel pathetic and weak, whether you feel like it or not, my suggestion is that you start deliberately scheduling something to do at least once a week just for yourself. If you have a hobby then do that. Get active. I'm not talking about something for your kids. I'm talking something that will make you feel good. You may have to find a new activity. Something active would be great, whether it's kayaking or bowling, but you might also take a class in something you're interested in. Any accomplishments you make on these interests will help build up your damaged self-esteem. And having something to do that brings you joy will give you a break from the repetitive thoughts. And it will also start rebuilding your new life.





Casual Observer said:


> You weren’t thinking it was over at the time you felt the need to block him? That’s a pretty extreme move on your part; you were already moving on from his world of lies and control. I would look to that date as the time you began your recovery. You’re further along on the path to your new and better life than you think.


I never thought of it that way. I believe in that moment, I allowed my mind to actually make the decision versus my heart. I'm trying not to rely on my emotions instead of common sense when it comes to him. I believe this is the best course of action and the only way to maintain my sanity.


*Deidre* said:


> Thank you.
> Forgiving ourselves has got to be one of the hardest things. Give yourself some grace, you were in love with a bad guy, but…there’s no shame in that. It happens. This does not define you.
> 
> Just know you will heal someday, one day at a time.


Yes, it is difficult to forgive myself. One day at a time... Thank you so much.


frusdil said:


> Honey, you're grieving. While grief is often described as having 5 stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, that doesn't mean its a linear process. You don't just move through them one at a time to a schedule and you're done. You'll find you move between stages, you may skip a stage all together or get stuck in one of them.
> 
> You're being way too hard on yourself wondering why you can't "just get over it", that's just not realistic x


I


frusdil said:


> Honey, you're grieving. While grief is often described as having 5 stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, that doesn't mean its a linear process. You don't just move through them one at a time to a schedule and you're done. You'll find you move between stages, you may skip a stage all together or get stuck in one of them.
> 
> You're being way too hard on yourself wondering why you can't "just get over it", that's just not realistic x


I guess I angry with myself for not leaving the first time. He's completely moved on. I wonder why I can't just do the same? I know that there are different states of grief. Sometimes the pain is so intense I feel like I can't breathe. I'm still in disbelief at the amount of pain that has been inflicted on my children and I. It feels like such an injustice has been done and he's living happily ever after.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

SBS said:


> I never thought of it that way. I believe in that moment, I allowed my mind to actually make the decision versus my heart. I'm trying not to rely on my emotions instead of common sense when it comes to him. I believe this is the best course of action and the only way to maintain my sanity.
> Yes, it is difficult to forgive myself. One day at a time... Thank you so much.
> I
> I guess I angry with myself for not leaving the first time. He's completely moved on. I wonder why I can't just do the same? I know that there are different states of grief. Sometimes the pain is so intense I feel like I can't breathe. I'm still in disbelief at the amount of pain that has been inflicted on my children and I. It feels like such an injustice has been done and he's living happily ever after.


He may just be putting that out there. But living well is the best revenge. In my opinion he should be sharing custody of your children and taking care of them half the time. He shouldn't just have carte blanche to walk in and out of their lives if that is what is going on. He should have responsibility to do the daily chores involving children, which is how joint custody works. Then the children won't miss him. And he also won't have time to just live it up as a bachelor and will be forced to be responsible. So I don't know what your arrangement is but you can certainly ask that he has joint custody and so that leaves you more time to recover with yourself and get some rest and recreation or work more or whatever you want to do.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

So it takes time, but here is a little secret, anger isn't always wrong, Maybe you should rage a little bit and get it out of your system. It's OK to always be angry about what he did, even if one day you forgive him. 

What I think is very helpful is putting into perspective who he is and that getting to a point where you understand in the long run you are not missing anything.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

SBS said:


> However, I was so blindsided that I don’t know if I will recover.


Don't kick yourself - you were being a good,loving spouse -- you trusted him. HE is the one that used that against you.


SBS said:


> He's completely moved on. I wonder why I can't just do the same?


Because a) he's a scumbag, and b) he just jumped into the next bed. There is no depth to him to be able to do this. He will probably crash and burn with her also....


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SBS said:


> I'm in therapy and I have shared with a few family members. Sometimes.. I feel like I'm going nowhere in this healing process. One day I'm okay and the next I'm feeling pathetic and weak.


Healing takes time.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

SBS said:


> I never thought of it that way. I believe in that moment, I allowed my mind to actually make the decision versus my heart. I'm trying not to rely on my emotions instead of common sense when it comes to him. I believe this is the best course of action and the only way to maintain my sanity.
> Yes, it is difficult to forgive myself. One day at a time... Thank you so much.
> I
> I guess I angry with myself for not leaving the first time. He's completely moved on. I wonder why I can't just do the same? I know that there are different states of grief. Sometimes the pain is so intense I feel like I can't breathe. I'm still in disbelief at the amount of pain that has been inflicted on my children and I. It feels like such an injustice has been done and he's living happily ever after.


It absolutely is an injustice. He's a dirtbag and a deadbeat dad. An absolute failure as a husband and father. 

I agree with the poster above who said anger isn't always a bad thing necessarily, as long as you don't direct it inward toward yourself. Redirect that energy into something productive, work it out through physical work, or running, get fit. 

Don't waste your energy thinking about him, because he sure as hell aint thinking about you x


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## SBS (10 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> Part of the reason you are not over him is that there was a period when you were continuing to engage with him. Having to deal with him texting you & contacting your family has dragged out your healing process. Frankly that behavior would have made me seriously angry & anger can be motivating. It would have spurred me toward a full disconnect.
> 
> Good for you for furthering your education & working with a therapist. Those two positives will help you heal. Keep up the good work!


That is correct. I should have gone no contact in the beginning. I'm beyond angry with myself and him. Thank you for your response. This platform has been instrumental in my healing process. Though I don't generally comment or post, I do read the advice.


sokillme said:


> So it takes time, but here is a little secret, anger isn't always wrong, Maybe you should rage a little bit and get it out of your system. It's OK to always be angry about what he did, even if one day you forgive him.
> 
> What I think is very helpful is putting into perspective who he is and that getting to a point where you understand in the long run you are not missing anything.





sokillme said:


> So it takes time, but here is a little secret, anger isn't always wrong, Maybe you should rage a little bit and get it out of your system. It's OK to always be angry about what he did, even if one day you forgive him.
> 
> What I think is very helpful is putting into perspective who he is and that getting to a point where you understand in the long run you are not missing anything.


You're right anger isn't always wrong. I just need to find a healthy outlet for the anger. I don't want to become bitter or have misdirected anger. Someone previously suggested that I get active. I believe that's going to be next on my list. Thank you for reiterating that it's nothing wrong with me. I needed to hear that. I'm know that I can't continue to punish myself, for his actions.


Diana7 said:


> Healing takes time.


Simply put and makes perfect sense... It definitely does take time. It has been an arduous journey. I'm still trying to fully trust the process.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

SBS said:


> You're right anger isn't always wrong. I just need to find a healthy outlet for the anger.


Work out, hit the heavy bag. Seriously. Exercise is your bodies natural anti depressant, and it has an added bonus of helping you lose weight and look good.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

sokillme said:


> So it takes time, but here is a little secret, anger isn't always wrong, Maybe you should rage a little bit and get it out of your system. It's OK to always be angry about what he did, even if one day you forgive him.
> 
> What I think is very helpful is putting into perspective who he is and that getting to a point where you understand in the long run you are not missing anything.
> 
> ...


I agree with the above posters. Anger is a justified emotion here. It would be unhealthy and detrimental in the long run to try to deny it. Anger is a bona fide stage of grief. 

It's ok to feel anger, and SoKillme is right that exercise helps and fresh air and sunshine help. 

But I have to warn you that while taking a baseball bat to his truck and spray painting "Cheating Ba$tard on it would be exercise, it would probably result in a vandalism charge which could be plea bargained down to about 4-8 hours of community service and raking grass and picking up trash in the city park on a warm spring day would have to added on to that exercise.... so don't do that.


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## SBS (10 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> I agree with the above posters. Anger is a justified emotion here. It would be unhealthy and detrimental in the long run to try to deny it. Anger is a bona fide stage of grief.
> 
> It's ok to feel anger, and SoKillme is right that exercise helps and fresh air and sunshine help.
> 
> But I have to warn you that while taking a baseball bat to his truck and spray painting "Cheating Ba$tard on it would be exercise, it would probably result in a vandalism charge which could be plea bargained down to about 4-8 hours of community service and raking grass and picking up trash in the city park on a warm spring day would have to added on to that exercise.... so don't do that.


😂 Thanks. This provided a much needed laugh. FYI: It only results in jail time if you're caught. 🤐


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

SBS said:


> 😂 Thanks. This provided a much needed laugh. FYI: It only results in jail time if you're caught. 🤐


Don't do anything illegal that could possibly get you in trouble with the law. A vandalism charge resulting in damage to a vehicle from a scorned wife might result in a plea bargain to some community service in the park. One could get sunburned or some blisters on their hands from that. You don't want that kind of trouble since having your life upended and everything else you have had to endure because of his treatment of you and your family. 

One may even need to reimburse the cost of the insurance deductible in said plea bargain. That would be a terrible price to pay compared to the damage already done to one's standard of living. 

You have been warned. Don't do it.


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