# Hubby and his best friend...



## Eluria (Jul 17, 2010)

I'm new to this board, but I wanted to share my story and get some advice. Sorry for the length!

My husband and I have been married for 3 years and we've been together for 7. Everything was fine in the beginning. I think everything started to fall apart when we bought a house in another state. We both got new jobs, mine a regular 9-to-5, and his is a straight Friday-Sunday overnight type of deal. I never see him on the weekends and the only time we have together is after I get off work during the week. It doesn't work well, but we're doing what we need to do to survive. 

He's been at this job for 2 years now. I have PCOS, and, admittedly, I let my depression take hold of me. I was not the best wife these past 2 years. I was alone on weekends with no friends in this new state... We've been trying to conceive for years with no success... I was very depressed. I was tired all the time, irritable, and detached from reality. This took it's toll on my husband.. he tried the best he could but he couldn't break me of it. He never told me outright that he was unhappy in our marriage... but he did drops hints that I guess never sunk in for me. 

Around last summer his "best friend" admitted to him that she had a crush on him for 10 years. She would offer him BJs and say things like "I would have sex with you if you wanted to." He always turned her down or changed the subject, but when his advice-giving friend disappeared because of her own divorce, he started talking to this girl about his problems with me. TERRIBLE idea. She always put me down and would tell him things like "If you're unhappy, why are you still with her?" When the other friend would say "She's gotta lot of issues and you need to help her through them."

Before New Years is when I found out that she told him she had a crush on him. She was getting extra flirty in texts and on facebook (which is not cool, considering we have family on there). I flipped out and told her to back off.. she agreed and apologized and I allowed her to come to our New Years party. All the time I was suspicious and worried. I would check his text messages, emails, log his IM conversations (she lived in our home state so that's how they communicated mostly). Nothing was too out of the ordinary so I just let it go. 

Fast forward to March... hubby decides to go to our home state for his spring break from college to see family, etc. I couldn't go because I had to work. While there, he hung out with her and she basically forced herself upon him. They didn't have sex, she just gave him a BJ. She would tell him things like "You're not happy with her anyway" and "She doesn't have to know" (these are all things that he's telling me, and I guess I believe him, I do know how she is). He said she grabbed his crotch and that's when he gave in. 

Fast forward to the middle of April... I was getting ready for work one morning and saw his cell phone sitting on the table. I picked it up, checked his texts and found texts of him telling her he liked her BJ..etc. I just put it back and went to work. He was leaving for work the next day so I figured I would confront him on Sunday when he came home. He called me while he was at work and could tell that I was upset. He knew he had been caught and instead of telling the truth he chose to lie and tell me that it was a joke. Some BS excuse, I can't even remember. I knew it was BS, but I tried to believe him cause I just didn't think he could do that to me. He's not that kind of person. So I took it as what he said it was but I also emailed her to flip out on her. Of course she wrote back and threw all of the things that he said about me to her in my face... and admitted that she was trying to break us up.

She disappeared for a few weeks or so. He was hoping that she would stay gone so that nothing came out. About 2 days before we were leaving for vacation, she sent him an email yelling at him and talking about the incident. Of course I got to it before he did. I was at work and I just read it and my stomach dropped. I went outside and called him and screamed at him. He was crying and saying he was sorry, it was only 1 time, he lied because I said I would divorce him etc. (really? what ever gave you that idea?) I left work early and went home. He begged me not to leave, saying our marriage has been getting better these past few months and he messed up... the usual BS.

I wanted and needed my vacation, so I put my feelings about the whole thing on the back burner so that we could go on vacation and enjoy ourselves. And we did, we had a great time on vacation. I almost forgave him then because we were doing so well... but I knew I couldn't. As soon as we got home, everything came flooding back and I was a wreck. I screamed, I cried. He was getting mad because we were doing so well on vacation and then I just regressed. He tried to leave a few times to stay with family for a week or two. I told him if he left me that he wasn't ever coming back... it would be over. We went through a really rough time. 

My hate and anger towards her was so strong, it's all I could think about. I know that he was in the wrong too, but she forced it. I knew that she was after him for a while and I did nothing about it. I wanted to ruin her life the way she ruined mine. I was a wreck, drinking myself stupid on the weekends and beating myself up for being so distant because of my own depression. We talked about it alot, bringing out every detail of the entire thing. We've talked about it so much that there's really nothing left to say. The only thing that I can do now is move on and forgive him. He never wanted to leave me and he didn't want to hurt me. He says he made the biggest mistake of his life and he considered suicide. He said he was planning on telling me the truth after vacation but I got to it before he could. 

I do love him so much. Since then we've been doing really well.. I try not to dwell on it and we've been doing things together. We hadn't really done anything with the house since we moved 3 years ago and now we're finally fixing it up together when we can. The funk that I was in for 2 years is gone and replaced by the pain of his infidelity... but I'm trying to let that go as well. I know that he didn't sleep with her, but to me it's just as bad. I really hate to admit it but this whole thing has brought us closer together than we have been in years.. I just wish it had come about in a different way. I'm very glad that it came out before we went on vacation... because if I didn't have that week with him I probably would have left him. He's had no contact with her and promises that he never wants to see her again.. and if she tries to contact him he will tell me. I'm still keeping an eye on everything because I don't fully trust him.. but I'm trying my best. 

I think I am ready to forgive and move on. I don't want to rehash this all the time and I just want to stop thinking about it. For the past week or so I've been trying to convince myself that I'm ready to forgive him. It's been about 2 months since I found out and everything we've talked about and everything we've been through.. I think I'm ready. He's been nothing short of great to me for a month now... and I know that's not a long time but I am truly ready to put this behind me. If I keep digging it up and worrying and obsessing about it, it's going to drive me insane. 

I think I am going to tell him tomorrow when he comes home that I forgive him. I will never forget, and I'm not ready to trust him yet, but I do want to forgive him. I'm also afraid that I'm not truly ready. I feel like I am, but what if 2 weeks or even 2 months after I forgive him I have a breakdown and start dredging it up again? It's not fair to him and I think I've made him suffer enough... after all, he didn't sleep with her. He didn't even touch her. We talked on the phone last night for hours about everything. I told him I want everything out on the table before I decide what to do next. It was painful and I cried, and I'm sure I will cry today, but once I say I forgive him I need to truly forgive him and let it go. Do you think I'll be able to? I've never been through this before... honestly it's the worst thing that's ever happened to me. If it ever happens again I will be done. He doesn't get a 3rd chance. 

I know that I also have to work on myself. I can never let myself get back into the state of depression I was in before. I'm going to tell him that if he's ever unhappy with anything that he has to let me know, instead of taking his problems to other women. I'll always have this in the back of my mind to keep me from getting as bad as I was and I hope it will be enough. 

I don't really have any questions... I just.. needed to tell somebody. Maybe a little bit of advice about how to go about telling him I forgive him would be helpful. Some encouraging words.. I don't know. Thanks for listening. I know it was long and maybe boring but writing it out is helping me cope...


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ohhh man I am so so so so sorry to read this its just so hard to read. you sound like a very good person. and I hope that you are doing better, I am sorry he did that to you its not ok and he knows it and that girl OMG women are all the same I swear when they are in a ****ty spot they want you to be as well. I hope that you find happiness.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I don't think you can forgive him until you make yourself understand he was not a victim. You are angry with her and blame her for everything, while giving him a pass and all kinds of excuses. But he is your husband, she is not. She has no particular loyalty to you. It might be terrible that she provoked or seduced him, but she did not force anything the way you keep trying to make it seem. I think that is your hesitation. You know it in your heart but don't want to accept it. Come to terms with that and it might be easier to forgive your husband and move on with your life together. 

You will never forget it though. It will always bring itself back to the surface. Some times will be easier than others. Some will be excruciating. But just remind yourself that you forgave him. and forgiveness means just that. You don't get to punish him anymore. You don't get to have a breakdown at him anymore. Either forgive him or don't. Forgiving means you deal with it, not him.


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## Eluria (Jul 17, 2010)

Thanks for your input. I don't think that he was a victim. I know that he thought it over and decided that it was ok. He says we were fighting at the time, but I don't remember any fight. Then again, he's been unhappy for the past year or 2... Maybe he was mad at me but he certainly didn't tell me about it. I do think he is as much to blame as she is, but that doesn't change how I feel about her in the slightest. I hate her with everything that I am!  and yes she did force the issue and had been for a long time. I'm sure his "harmless flirting" didn't help the situation at all. Oh well...


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