# I am only a few days in and completely lost



## Jtom12 (Jun 23, 2020)

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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

So sorry you find yourself here. There will be many along with sage advice. Don’t do anything rash, you will go through a cycle of emotions. The urge to bond with her and ‘reclaim’ her love is a form of hysterical bonding. Whatever you do don’t sleep with her.
Try to remove yourself from her and do the 180 to get some stability in your emotions. If possible seek the help of a counsellor for yourself. Remember you don’t have to make decisions right now. If you want space then she needs to leave.
How old are your kids, do they know?
you are getting a lawyer which is good.
do you see yourself reconciling or is it too early to ask that question?
lean on a good friend or sibling.
try and bury yourself in work, take up extra hobbies etc.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Jtom12 said:


> I have been with my wife for 20 years, since I was 19. Last thursday I found out she had an affair last year with a much younger man.
> Most of our relationship was defined with me chasing her affection but now we realize she has some mental issues that prevented her from giving anyone real affection, not just me. She has been on medication and therapy for about 6 months and seems to at least recognize that she was closed off.
> I have been a strong rock my entire life. This weekend I had a complete mental breakdown and my first panic attack. I have lost 7 pounds in 4-5 days.
> I never once didn't trust my wife, not even once, nor have I ever strayed. For the first time in 40 years I feel truly weak and broken. I didn't ever even understand how physical an emotional event can be.
> ...


Well the first thing you do is take a breath. I mean it hurt like hell but you have to pull yourself together. 

The next thing you do is understand, which you said that you do, that you don't have to do anything this minute. Take your time an think. Seeing a Lawyer, and starting the separation agreement is a really good thing. Knowledge is always a good thing and it is really important right now. 

Now, the affair is not your fault, so stop don't any type of pick me dance. If she is really sick, it does not matter, she CHOSE to have an affair. She was not too ill to talk to you, to go to a doctor. This is on her and her choices.

So we kind of need some more information. I don't think you gave that much information about the affair. Have you talked about it. 

If you think she is being truthful, think again, they all, every last one lie. They are liars. 

Do you know if the affair is over? Did she work with the guy? Things like that will help us advise you. 

Stay strong and breathe...


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## Jtom12 (Jun 23, 2020)

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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I went through all that you describe. It’s literally a nightmare. Every morning that you wake up and you remember what has happened, you don’t want to go through the day. I never even knew what a panic attack was until I had several in your same situation.
I went through the hysterical bonding.
The difference is my ex wife didn’t want to stay married. She had gotten emotionally connected with SEVERAL other men and had zero feelings for me.

I have some suggestions I think will be helpful, Alhough the pain is severe and only time will improve it. And be prepared for it to take a long time with little change. I’m sorry.

1). My best friend is a doctor. He wrote me a prescription for Zoloft, an anti anxiety medication. It takes a couple of weeks to kick in, but works. I never experienced any side effects and I quit taking it with no problems in a couple of months. So see your doctor and don’t be embarrassed. Lots and lots of men have been through this. It was the worst pain I’ve ever had to endure.

2. Exercise. I didn’t even want to eat, and list 30 pounds in 2 months. I wasn’t ever a chubby guy. Running helped me physically, and more importantly, mentally.
Eat. Just eat healthy. I got in the best shape I was in since my twenties.

3 consider seeing a therapist/counselor, whatever. It helps to talk to someone privately. A lot.
My insurance covered it.

You will have to make your own decision to divorce or reconcile. However, I personally think you would have better end results divorcing.

It Would be interesting to know what your wife has done to help you heal, how you found out, why the affair ended, and what your wife has done to show what you might believe could be real remorse.

Hang in there. I know what you feel and how terrible it is. You won’t believe this now, but it won’t last forever. Take care of yourself and know without a doubt that your life isn’t over. You may find looking back that this horrible thing your wife did, was actually a gift. I assure you she is NOT the only woman you can love, and there are lots of women that would be overjoyed to be with only you.


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## Jtom12 (Jun 23, 2020)

delete.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Jtom12 said:


> We have been talking a ton, for some screwed up reason I want to sleep with her more than ever. How messed up is that? I go full circle all the time. My kids are 10 and 6. They know something is up but are basically in the dark. Our plan is to to live together and just talk for however long it takes for the separation agreement to be produced. Do I go with me feelings when I want her or do I stay away? I reached out to therapits on friday but nobody is returning my messages. I have no idea the health course of action.


In most states, having sex is interpreted by the courts as forgiveness... DON'T DO IT YET...

What you describe is normal and it is called hysterical bonding. PLEAE WAIT on that... 

How much TRUTH do you have about the affair, what has she told you? Most likely most if it is a lie, just going by the stats and odds about these things. 

HOW MUCH DO YOU KNOW FOR SURE, not what she told you. How much can you verify? Have you looked at her phone, have you recovered texts.

WHAT DO YOU REALLY KNOW THAT SHE IS NOT THE SOURCE OF THE KNOWLEDGE?????


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Btw, you did good seeing a lawyer and considering seeing a therapist. You ARE going about this in the most healthy way.

having sexual with your wife will cause the pain to last longer, will prevent you from healing, will make you want to reconcile at all costs. 
But like a drug, it will stop the pain for a few hours. But it will return with a vengeance, worse than before.

in truth, with young kids, this becomes more difficult. Asking her to leave and working out an agreement on taking care of the kids together would probably be best. But you definitely need some outside help to figure things out.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Jtom12 said:


> She doesn't work with him or see him apparently any more. It has been a few months since they met and apparantly the sexual relationship ended in December. I can't trust anything just yet.


What ended it? How did you find out?
As said, cheaters will lie every time. Nobody ever tells the full truth to their spouse. Ever.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I think the first thing to evaluate is does she true remorse for what she did to you and the kids?
The next thing to evaluate is what is she doing (or willing to do) to clean up her mess?
She should be selfless at this point and willing to do anything and everything to help you heal and make you feel safe in the marriage. What is she doing?
I would recommend that you get this book and read it:








How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair


As an infidelity specialist for 23 years, therapist Linda J. MacDonald has identified behaviors and attitudes that determine unfaithful p...



www.goodreads.com




This should be a template if reconciliation is in the cards. For me, it would be a bare minimum. I would expect her to go above and beyond.
At this point, I would recommend you research and implement the 180. You need to lawyer up.
If she is genuinely remorseful, I would hold up on filing. However, make it clear to her that this is her time to win you back.
She needs to demonstrate full transparency in everything and continue counseling with a male infidelity specialist of your choosing (Give her 2 choices, she picks 1.) At a minimum, you meet with him prior to her first session and inform him of the situation.
If she wants to reconcile, let her know the cost of admission is a postnup, very favorable to you. Also provide her with a written list of what you need to feel safe in a relationship with her. It is her responsibility to prove to you that she is abiding by and implementing those conditions.
If at any time she gets sh***y, File!,File!, File!
Do not allow her to put this on you, this is all on her. It needs to be clear that you providing her an opportunity to reconcile is a gift, and she should appreciate it as such.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Before you consider reconciliation, get healthy with your head on right. See your attorney. Listen. Attorneys have seen thousands of this stuff, and are actually good people to hear the whole story and give good advice. 
Sadly, the things your wife will say, what she has said, what she has done—- it will almost seem to follow a script.


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## Jtom12 (Jun 23, 2020)

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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

It's clear you don't know yet what you want. It's only been 5 days. While her affair supposedly ended 7 months ago, this is like a brand new thing to you. My advice, given your attitude, is to give this some time to settle. You are all over the place, like many are when they suffer through something like this. Don't make any promises to your wife, or to yourself. You need to go through your emotions before you make huge decisions.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Gabriel said:


> It's clear you don't know yet what you want. It's only been 5 days. While her affair supposedly ended 7 months ago, this is like a brand new thing to you. My advice, given your attitude, is to give this some time to settle. You are all over the place, like many are when they suffer through something like this. Don't make any promises to your wife, or to yourself. You need to go through your emotions before you make huge decisions.


So Not only is @Gabriel correct about what he has written above... He is totally correct. 

DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH YOUR WIFE... 

Is the stalker someone that she had an affair with before? And then he started stalking? Have you read the reports yourself? Are you just taking her word for it? 

Can you check your phone bill to see how many times they talked and texted? Have you check your home phone bill to see if she has call him from there if you still have one? 

What day was she "checking stories" with her OM? 

It sounds like you really do not know anything, for sure...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

See a lawyer, file for divorce, only communicate through your attorney, follow his instructions. The urge to communicate with her will be nearly uncontrollable. Don’t. The longer you go with no contact, the faster you will heal. The circumstances of your wife’s affair point to a remorseless cheater who never told you crap, cheated, and is likely to do so again.

bail. It will hurt. Bail anyway. Nothing to recover here.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Time is on your side, but you need to find out more. 

1) This guy stalking her may very well have been another man she was having an affair with. Find out as much as you can about him.

2) I know you don't want to hear this, but you need to do paternity tests on both kids. You can buy one at Walgreens. The test is easy to administer and you can find out in a few weeks if both kids are really yours. Don't assume this is her first affair, and don't assume those kids are yours. As far as you should be concerned, your WW is a lying liar and now your whole marital history is suspect.

3) Go see three lawyers for consults, and let her see you go to them.

4) Assume that everything she tells you is either a lie or a half-truth. Take nothing she says at face value. Pay attention to her actions, not her words. What are her actions telling you?

5) Do not let her blame her mental issues on her cheating on you and withholding affection from you. That's bunk, and if I were you I would ask her psychiatrist if her condition actually does affect her ability to show love to people. There are millions of people with mental illnesses who _do not_ cheat and who do not neglect their partners. I would venture she more likely has a personality disorder. Mental illness can be treated, personality disorders cannot.

6) DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER... for he time being anyways.

7) Remember that waywards never give the whole scope of truth upon the first confrontation. What she has admitted to is most likely only the tip of the iceberg. You can choose to do more probing, or let it lie where it is. it's up to you and what you think you need to move towards healing.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

For how to interact with her, read up on the "180" It will help YOU to detach from those super intense feelings you are having to allow you to get back to more rational thoughts so you can plan what you want to do.


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## Jtom12 (Jun 23, 2020)

What is the 180? I cant find anything online so far. Thank you everyone for the advice. Posting this has somehow helped already. I have nobody in my life who has in been in this situation and I dont want to hear from people with no experience


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

This stalker thing is VERY suspicious. Could be a jilted lover. While some stalkers are just crazy people, many have a connection to the person.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Jtom12 said:


> What is the 180? I cant find anything online so far. Thank you everyone for the advice. Posting this has somehow helped already. I have nobody in my life who has in been in this situation and I dont want to hear from people with no experience


Try this:

180 for Betrayed Spouses


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

It had only been less then a week. It is going to be painful and no going to sugarcoat it, it will get worse. But I can tell you from experience that it DOES get better! You have made the rest beginning steps, i.e. lawyer, counseling. Here are things you should do:

1. Get tested for STD's
2. Distance yourself from your WW. I know it will be hard but until you have your head straight and decide exactly what you want to do being close to her will not be in your best interest.
3. Hit the gym. You are going to lose weight, you just took an extremely painful emotional hit. Its normal. I lost close to 60 pounds going thru my divorce. 
4. Paternity test the kids. No explanation needed on this one.
5. Keep busy. Get a hobby. Spend time with your kids. Spend time with your friends. Make sure you are out of the house as much as possible.
6. Most important is to take care of YOURSELF! When this is all over, you are the one who will still be standing tall.

And whatever ever you do, DON'T have sex with her!


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Google and read up on PTSD. You've been traumatized. The symptoms come and go in waves. It'll be months before you can think straight. In the interim, see your doctor and tell them what you posted with us. They can help you with sleeping, anger, anxiety. 

One of our natural human responses to trauma is denial (and a desire to take control and go back to normal). Part of all that is what's called 'hysterical bonding'/sex with you stake out your territory in the bed room.

Don't have sex with her. If you have sex with her, there will ultimately be an even lower low (than where you are now).


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jtom12 said:


> I have been with my wife for 20 years, since I was 19. Last thursday I found out she had an affair last year with a much younger man.
> Most of our relationship was defined with me chasing her affection but now we realize she has some mental issues that prevented her from giving anyone real affection, not just me. She has been on medication and therapy for about 6 months and seems to at least recognize that she was closed off.
> I have been a strong rock my entire life. This weekend I had a complete mental breakdown and my first panic attack. I have lost 7 pounds in 4-5 days.
> I never once didn't trust my wife, not even once, nor have I ever strayed. For the first time in 40 years I feel truly weak and broken. I didn't ever even understand how physical an emotional event can be.
> ...


So sorry you had to seek us out, but glad you found us.

You are in shock. Nothing shameful about that. I suggest you speak with your Doctor and get some meds and arrange for some counselling as you are suffering from PTSD. And at some point marital counselling will be of help.

You still love your wife? Of course you do, that's natural. Of course it is OK to hug her and want her affection.

Get STD tests done and make sure she is "no contact" with her former affair partner.

You can separate, get divorced or reconcile. It's up to you. Don't let anyone force or cajole you into doing something you aren't fully comfortable with.

Remember, @Jtom12 we are here for you, no matter what you decide to do.


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## Jtom12 (Jun 23, 2020)

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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Jtom12 said:


> If we have sex is it really that bad for me? I was discussed with myself for wanting to sleep with her but now that I learned the term hysterical bonding at least I know I am not crazy. From what I have read online some people say it helped them, other not. Maybe it is different for everyone?


Legally it can be bad for you if you plan to use the affair as ammunition in a divorce/separation. It is viewed as acceptance and forgiveness. Emotionally its up to your personality. If you can use her for bootie call and not become mesmerized by her charms, go for it. If a shot of poon tang's gonna have you eating out of her hand, it ain't worth it. From your opening post, I get the impression she kept you on a short leash, a strict diet, and doled out "affection". That, in and of itself, indicates her romantic interest in you was at the low end of the scale. Her banging other guy(s) confirms it. 
Think about it Dawg. If her mental issues prevented her from giving anyone real affection, what she doing riding another guy like a Texas rodehouse mechanical bull.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Hysterical bonding - in my opinion it helps when you are reconciling and you have full honesty of the affair. You don't have that yet. To be blunt, you are a mess and you should just wait and see. Ask her to write a timeline of all details of the affair, when it started and why, when it ended and why, if they used protection, if there were any STD scares or pregnancy scares. Ask her to get tested for STDs and give you the results. Ask her to give you all information about her lover's wife (how old was he?) or girlfriend, if he has one, then let his wife/girlfriend know about the affair. Any info your wife gives you, see if you can get evidence in their messages, or through other methods, internet searches, etc. Ask her to write a handwritten no contact letter to him saying she never wants contact, then she gives it to you to mail. Or ask her to get an attorney to write a letter to other man saying that, and have the lawyer send it after you read it. 



Jtom12 said:


> I have *been with my wife for 20 years*, since I was 19. Last thursday I found out she had an affair last year with a much younger man.
> *Most of our relationship was defined with me chasing her* affection but now we realize she has some mental issues that prevented her from giving anyone real affection, not just me.


Number one, that sounds absolutely exhausting. Chasing affection for 20 years? Nevermind the cheating, that alone is horrible.

Number two, as this as a "reason" for her cheating, I'm calling bull. 20 years? Cheats, and now this comes up? 

But what you are posting is really the norm here from betrayed husbands who just found out. I call it the "detachment gap." See, your wife detached from you a year or two ago, she figured she would risk the marriage, gradually she did all the calculations and analyses over these many months, she grew closer and closer to the other guy, away from you, she just didn't clue you in. Because she never really chased you, anyway. So it will take awhile to catch up with her in the detachment department. The 180 is a group of behaviors devised to detach. The main idea is to be nice, pleasant, but not engaging in very much deep conversation, just stuff that needs to be discussed like the kids and finances. No sex. No hugging. No cuddling. No kissing.

The initial trauma normal human response is to save the life, save the marriage - it seems like it's dying. The feeling you get is that your wife wanted another man, so you want to "reclaim" her by having sex. To compete. Show you're the better man. 

While you are detaching, you find out the truth of the affair. Know what you are going to forgive for if you reconcile. See what your wife's attitude is. And you wait and see how your wife acts. See how much time and effort she will put in for you. My personal observation is that the cheater usually is working out, sexy lingerie, diet, gifts for the lover, numerous text messages and phone calls - oodles and oodles of time and effort, but when they say they want to reconcile, you get just about zero. That may be getting a little head now, but keep it in mind - how much she'll do for you vs. what she was doing for her lover.


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## cocolo2019 (Aug 21, 2019)

I remember that I read in another forum a likely situation, where an ex AP was jealous of WW new AP and he gave the information to her BH.

Anyways OP, the important thing here is that you found out by yourself, not that she came to you remorseful and told you about the affair. 
This is worse, because this is a case of a Cake-Eaters wayward. Hadn't been for that stalker, you had never found out about the affair and right now she would have been having sex with OM. I said this is worse because cake eaters' affairs are about porn sex, lust and debauchery. Before you consider reconciliation read Oldshirt post about his times as Other Man. That post will give you an insight of the real morality values of Cake-Eaters wayward wives. Find out if the OM is married and tell his wife with all the evidence. Very important, do not tell your wife you will advise OM' wife. Test for STD and demand her to test for STD too. DNA your kids even they are a copy cat of yours. This will give her an advice that your are not joking and that you are not rugsweep the situation. 

Another note: my apologies for my syntax. English is my 2nd language.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You will also have a desire to find out absolutely everything about her affair. You need a timeline and complete honesty from her before you could even consider reconciliation. You will also probably need a polygraph to ensure you are getting the complete truth. Is your wife remorseful? Is she willing to help you heal? If not then you must move on.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Jtom12 said:


> I have been with my wife for 20 years, since I was 19. Last thursday I found out she had an affair last year with a much younger man.
> Most of our relationship was defined with me chasing her affection but now we realize she has some mental issues that prevented her from giving anyone real affection, not just me. She has been on medication and therapy for about 6 months and seems to at least recognize that she was closed off.
> I have been a strong rock my entire life. This weekend I had a complete mental breakdown and my first panic attack. I have lost 7 pounds in 4-5 days.
> I never once didn't trust my wife, not even once, nor have I ever strayed. For the first time in 40 years I feel truly weak and broken. I didn't ever even understand how physical an emotional event can be.
> ...


So sorry, 
It is ok and normal to feel these deep, painful, confusing heartbreak emotions. 
It is probably best to get away from her, your head will clear up better if you aren't around her. 
You need some separation and distance so you can think more clearly. 
The support of family, friends, church, sites like this can help you greatly and allow you to talk and share and get some of these feelings expressed.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Jtom12 said:


> On top of everything my wife has had a stalker for the last 6 months. We went to the police and everything. While following her he saw the affair and came to the house and told me but I knew he was crazy and thought nothing of it. Her entire work place knows he is crazy and she had documented every occurence with work and the police. since the guy she had an affair with saw the stalker the police took his statement and my wife admitted the affair since it was now on record and she knew I would find out. Huge stress on top of everything else.
> thursday when I came home she was on the phone finding out about the statement and told me.
> The police have her phone right now to log her statements to friends about the stalker. When we get it back I will able to read her messages with the guy she had the affair with and confirm it all ended when she says it did. That is my hope anyways.
> My biggest struggle today is how to behave with her in the house in a health way. Thanks to this thread I learned the term hysterical bonding and have read a bunch about it.
> I thought I was sick and crazy for wanting my wife right now. I don't want her to win her back, I just want her for me. Should I fight this or is this healthy. From what I have been reading any joy is good for you right now. Was hysterical bonding a mistake for anyone? does it even matter?


OK where did this stalker come from?

I suspect there is a lot more to this story then you know. Are you sure this is you wife's first rodeo? How many women just pick up a stalker? I am worried there is a lot more down the rabbet hole. In fact I would bet money on it.

It would be very unwise to trust a thing your wife says she is already a proven liar. People who cheat lie and they are usually practiced and very good at it. Unfortunately people who have the kind of frivolous affairs like your wife seems to have usually make a lifestyle out of it.

Most of the time when you hear people talk about hysterical bonding it is usually short lived and they feel gross about it later. Seems like most regret it. I don't think you will have regrets if you wait until you are sure before you go that route, even if you stay together.

Besides that what exactly is your wife doing to help you heal? Is she remorseful? What does she say? I mean you seem pretty matter of fact about it?

Right now your priority is to emotionally recover and get to the point you know you can live without her, then you can decide if you want to stay or not. The decision should be primarily based on what the quality of your life will be. You can only figure that out if you are confident you can live happily without her.

I know it doesn't feel like it right now but this pain will pass. You will recover from this and have joy again. Also your wife is not your path to happiness, and there are plenty of other women out there who will be faithful and you can have a good life with.

Finally none of this is your fault. People cheat because of poor character nothing else. Don't allow someone's abuse of you to be how you define your worth. Assuming you were faithful then you have nothing to feel bad about. Maybe you just picked the wrong girl. It happens.

Not saying you have to do this but here are a lot of people how moved on and did very well.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Jtom12 said:


> Do I soak up what I can of her before I divorce her if that is what happens?


I was shaking my head throughout your entire post but when I read the above, it was just so over the top.

You honestly sound like you're co-dependent. The woman lied to you, betrayed you, deceived you and all you can do is cry that you want her.

Please see a professional for your co-dependency.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

sokillme said:


> Assuming you were faithful then you have nothing to feel bad about. Maybe you just picked the wrong girl. It happens.


I engaged in the hysterical bonding thing too. But after a month of it, sex with her made me want to vomit.
It sure does happen. I did it, I survived. You will too.



She'sStillGotIt said:


> The woman lied to you, betrayed you, deceived you.


Blow her off like a bad cold. Do the 180. Hard, fast, and decisively.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Jtom12 said:


> As to the stalking situation she is a teacher and he is a refugee student from the Middle East. I have talked to her coworkers and apparently he as PSTD and has acted obessesive with every women who worked with him before my wife. She just worked him the longest by far. Apparently he blackmailed her into not pursing charges early as he had seen her meet her affair partner and threatened to expose her. I "think" there is nothing there but at this point I believe nothing. I am proceeding with the separation agreement but may still reconcile.
> My biggest problem is that I don't want her to move out or us to do any big move until I have the SA signed and I am protected. My heart hopes for us to get past this most times of the day.
> However if I learn more that could change. My logical side wants the separation which she as agreed to. Whatever I want she says.
> 
> ...


Listen, in your situation YES IT IS BAD TO HAVE SEX WITH HER... EVERYONE HAS TOLD YOU THAT MANY TIMES...

DONT HAVE SEX WITH HER... GET IT. 

If you do that the your head gets muddled and you are having enough trouble with that already. 

YOU NEED TO DETATCH from her so you can start to understand.

Everyone here has said that she has not given you the truth, because they NEVER TELL THE TRUTH...

You really don't know if the affair is actually really over, how long it went on because you have no polygraph to confirm what she is telling you... 

STOP BEING IN DENIAL... Your wife is/was/and will continue to be a liar. You do not have the full truth…


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Its pretty obvious why she cheated. She knew she could get away with it and you would not hold her to anything. You acting this way is extremely unattractive. It makes her see you as pathetic. People want what they can't have.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Skerzoid is right. Even if you want this likely serial cheater back, the more you pursue, the harder she will run.
She says she’s ok with you divorcing her. Do it. She’s awful.


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## Jtom12 (Jun 23, 2020)

delete


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jtom12 said:


> We have been talking a ton, for some screwed up reason I want to sleep with her more than ever. How messed up is that? I go full circle all the time.


The frantic need for sex, lots of it, after finding out about an affair is called "hysterical bonding". It's not uncommon, very normal. If that's what you need right now, then go with it. You only just found out her affair. Your emotions are going to be all over the place for a while.



Jtom12 said:


> My kids are 10 and 6. They know something is up but are basically in the dark. Our plan is to to live together and just talk for however long it takes for the separation agreement to be produced. Do I go with me feelings when I want her or do I stay away?


You are in shock right now. This is not the time to make life-changing decisions. Take care of yourself first. If you are in the hysterical bonding cycle then go with it. It will end soon enough all on its own.



Jtom12 said:


> I reached out to therapits on friday but nobody is returning my messages. I have no idea the health course of action.


You might want to start out by going to your family doctor, explain the situation and ask for some antidepressants. They will not numb you. Instead they will help your brain slow down so you can concentrate and deal with the issues you face right now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jtom12 said:


> What is the 180? I cant find anything online so far. Thank you everyone for the advice. Posting this has somehow helped already. I have nobody in my life who has in been in this situation and I dont want to hear from people with no experience


There is a link to the 180 in my signature block below.

The idea of the 180 is that when the wayward spouse (WS) is having an affair and refuses to end it, the betrayed spouse (BS) interacts with the WS according to the 180 until one of two things happen: 1) the WS agrees to end the affair and work on reconciliation with the BS or 2) the BS falls out of love with the WS and decides to file for divorce.

With the 180, it's a very strong statement by the BS to the WS that there is nothing to talk about until they end the affair. By removing themselves from the relationship, the BS lets the WS experience what life will be like without them. Most WS who are in active affairs will end the affair when the BS does the 180 because most WS are very dependent emotionally on the BS and they finally come to realize this when the BS is no longer emotionally available to them.

You should not be doing the 180 because your wife is not actively in an affair. With the 180, you would stop all discussion of anything except care for the children and the business of divorce. 

That said, what you do need to do is to get control of your emotions. You are clearly all over the place emotionally and that's the normal rollercoaster that a BS experiences after finding out about an affair. The roller coaster can last months.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jtom12 said:


> Paid the retainer for a separation agreement. Told hee to start looking for a place. Once it is signed and I remortgage the house to pay her out she has to leave. I ate real food yesterday but still little to no sleep. I have never been one to take **** from anybody. We have to separate and what will be will be.
> Just went grocery shoping and found it hard to be around lots of people for some reason. Another first for me.
> I think the hysyerical bonding was only a 2 day thing. Thanks so much for all the responses. I have great family and friends but I keep finding myself checking this site...


Why are you getting a separation and not a divorce?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Jtom12 said:


> Paid the retainer for a separation agreement. Told hee to start looking for a place. Once it is signed and I remortgage the house to pay her out she has to leave. I ate real food yesterday but still little to no sleep. I have never been one to take **** from anybody. We have to separate and what will be will be.
> Just went grocery shoping and found it hard to be around lots of people for some reason. Another first for me.
> I think the hysyerical bonding was only a 2 day thing. Thanks so much for all the responses. I have great family and friends but I keep finding myself checking this site...


@Jtom12 you appear to have found your strength by getting with the attorney as it regards to the separation agreement. In order for you to get your head on straight and think clearly she absolutely needs to leave your home. Otherwise you will remain in a quandary as she tries to love bomb you.

Make no decision at the current time whether to reconcile her divorce.You will find over the next month or two you will have many mood swings and he will think you can’t live without her and you will think she needs to be kicked to the curb. How do you feel right now is perfectly normal. However, in time this too shall pass. Keep in mind what you were experiencing now is temporary not permanent. I know that is a hard concept to grasp at the current time. But I’ve been there and done that.

I had been married 29 years and my wife decided to have a nine month affair with one of her coworkers. I left for six weeks in May myself scarce until I decided that if she was remorseful, reconciliation could be available option. Thankfully I made a wise decision to reconcile as things are going real food for us currently.

right now I do not know that your wife is a good candidate for reconciliation. I may be wrong what you need now is information if you’re like me I had to know everything. I scheduled a polygraph and let her know that was mandatory if we were to reconcile and one son of deception it was off to divorce I wasn’t going to put up with anymore ****. She came clean and told mePretty much everything, however, as others put here you never get the whole truth but I think in my case I got damn near 99% Of the truth. My approach was to ask her all these questions, and ask her for a timeline. Then I told her about the polygraph and I would be choosing some of these questions that I had already ask her that she had answered. I had her boxed into a corner. She knew that. When we went to have the polygraph I fully expect in the parking lot confession butAfter the polygraph session was over it was determined she was being truthful by the examiner. That was a very stressful day in my life as I did not know what to expect.

From reading your post I agree with one of the posters that you appear to be a tad codependent, I would recommend you get in the individual counseling as soon as possible for yourself, and make yourself the best you can be. Also, hit the gym and exercise regularly as it helps you cope mentally with the stress you are currently experiencing. In case you divorce become a lean mean dating machine.

I also gleaned from your post,and correct me if I’m wrong, that you may be considering reconciliation. That may be an option for you down the road, however, you have not seen remorse from your wife have you? Remorse is the critical component for reconciliation form without it you cannot have a true reconciliation. One last thing if your wife recommends marriage counseling no no and hell no! Should she bring this up you,recommend she needs to go to individual counseling and figure out why in the hell she did something so vile to you, And work on fixing herself. She will need to do this whether you reconcile or divorce.

As I have told other posters on here over the last few years I have been on this board you will find out you’re much stronger than you ever realized when you go through this **** you will come out on the other side far more stronger.

As others have advised you definitely test the parentage of your children. One thing that is true 100% of the time Is that cheaters lie. Commit that to memory is right now you cannot trust a word out of her mouth.

I wish you the best as you travel through the **** storm.


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## Jtom12 (Jun 23, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Why are you getting a separation and not a divorce?


I can apply for a divorce once we have been separated for 1 year, canadian law. the separation agreement is the important part, the divorce itself simply ends the marriage.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

I know this may seem difficult to believe, but you are doing very well.

keep moving forward!
Continue to stay in control of your future
Stay strong, and do whatever you need to do so that you can look at yourself in the mirror


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Just understand that once the separation agreement is signed, she's not coming back to you. I'm usually a pretty good predicter of these things. She will see the agreement as carte blanche to go out and try out new men. I hate to hit you with this but you need to fortify yourself for it and expect it. Do the 180 whenever she's around. It really does help.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

By the way, why do her parents hate you?


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