# Need help describing sex with positive words



## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

I am struggling with what forum to put this in. But since it most likely will be using sexual words and terms I decided to put it here. 

I think the folks who be most qualified to answer this would be those who have been threw sexual abuse of some sort or maybe even who are LD. Though all opinions will be appreciated. I am working on an issue in T. I am having great difficulty. I have a history of CSA and rape as a teenager. I also have a history of spousal abuse. I have seen nothing but negative things in regards to sex. There is nothing positive about CSA and rape. I have also been told for the last 20 years that I am worthless, useless, lazy, stupid and many other things. So that being said human sexuality is not a positive thing for me. My H and I are separated, and weather I go back to him eventually or not is not really the point of this thread. I need to get my sexlife strightened out for me. Not for my H or some other man.

My home work from my T was to fantasize what the perfect sexual encounter would be. Due to my abusive past my brain is not capable of doing that. It only knows what is bad. I have such huge issues. I have to keep my shirt on during sex because I cannot stand the sensations that should be enjoyable, such as from breast play. I cannot have someone touch my back or rub my back or stroke my back or shoulders because that is where I store my trauma. So I keep my shirt on during sex. I also wear socks during sex, that gives one a sense of safety for some reason. (That is why when you are given a rape kit it includes socks) 

I do not think I am going to be able to come up with a fantasy. I am afraid to go there at the moment. It would be like opening pandora's box. But instead I am making a list of positive words and sensations, feelings and such that are associated with sex. The hope is if I read these things and tell my brain that it is ok to feel this way it will start to believe me. Then I can eventually go there. I have not words to describe that at the moment that are positive. That is where I need your help. Can you share with me positive statements, words, feelings or whatever that has to do with sex. It doesn't matter if you are male of female. I just need to put a positive spin on sex. 

I know that is an odd thing to ask for help in doing, but I don't know how I am going to come up with these statements and words other wise.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
For me, sex is the natural continuation of intimacy. Imagine sitting next to someone you love. Maybe you hold hands, maybe you cuddle together. You kiss, touch - there is not a plan or goal. Just enjoying contact with each other. Sex is the most intense part of that, but it isn't separate from anything else. It is just a part of a continuous path from sitting holding hands, to falling asleep in each others arms.

Sex can also be spontaneous - a stand alone event - but for someone who is not comfortable with intimacy, that is probably not the best way to think about it.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Thank you Richardsharpe. Those are words I can say: enjoying contact, falling asleep in one another's arms. THANK YOU FOR SHARING


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Hmm...This is harder than it looks! Umm, sex for me is a combination of intense physical sensation and pleasure and mental/emotional closeness. Sometimes more one than the other. Free associating, sex means release, freedom, safety and security.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

MJJEAN - How correct you are, sex means release, freedom, safety and security. Thank you for sharing.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Big Mama, as you saw in another thread I am a survivor of CSA. Not rape, so I won't claim to understand that, but I do understand the abuse. 

For me the key element is safety, and with that comes a tremendous feeling of freedom.. I needed to find a guy with whom I felt completely safe and had my back; I did with current husband (ex was s d0uche kind of like yours) and when I did I discovered I was capable of things I never imagined; it's like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and I don't have to shoulder this alone, and I finally feel free to be vulnerable.

I sincerely hope you experience this someday, and while I know you said this isn't about whether to go back to your husband I'm going to recommend you do not. You will never experience this with him and it's something I really hope you find in this life.

My father once told me that everyone should experience a real love story at least once in their lives, and he was so right. The thing is that for us abuse survivors we can't experience that without that feeling of safety.
If you find this you might find that many of the things that trigger you either go away or let up; I am completely comfortable doing for my husband things that were part of my abuse, but only because I completely trust him and he demands nothing from me. I am able to give freely without pressure.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like to speak privately.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Don't have time to respond at the moment but went through about 15 years of sexual assault, abuse of all kinds and torture.

Not kidding.

Hope I can help. Hang in there. Sex is wonderful. 

Hurting someone sexually is a nightmare.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

lifestoshort - thank you so much for sharing. A feeling so safety is something I struggle with. I hope to get there one day. A since of safety is vital. All I an say is thank you, thank you for sharing part of your story and giving me a little bit of hope. I really needed to know that you are able to do for your husband part of the things that were involved in your abuse. I am sorry you had to go thru that, but I am grateful for the experience you are willing to shareif order for it to help others.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Conanhub - I look forward to hearing from you when you have more time. Thank you for giving me hope.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You're welcome! I know for me the lasting damage it did to me was that it wrecked my ability to deeply trust people because let's just say that family members knew and did nothing about it, and when it came out they were worried about the poor scumbag and how he was embarrassed. So that taught me I couldn't trust anyone to protect me.

To this day I struggle with that, even with my husband who I do deeply trust, and now and again the trust thing still rears its head. It's not entirely his fault, I'm probably sensitive to things that others might not be but sometimes it is his fault. This caused us some issues with some very poor boundaries he had with his ex wife and her family.....but they've been mostly settled since I let loose on him. I don't think he realized what a big issue it was.....he knew it wasn't cool but he doesn't do confrontation well so he buried his head in the sand and played dumb. 

He likes to do that, but he does learn.

You're never going to have this kind of trusting relationship with your hb.....too much damage. People like us have to establish this trust early on in the relationship or it can't be done, at least I don't think so. Maybe there are others who have had relationships with people who mistreated them and they worked it out but for me that would never happen; once that wall is built it's not coming down. It's just too far for me to go.

Your husband has demonstrated that he can't be trusted and has abused you to bully you into what he wants. You can't have a relationship with him.....period.

If my husband so much as pouted if I didn't feel like sex the damage would be great.....probably sounds like a lot to handle and maybe for some men it would be, but we're going on 11 years and still doing well.

My triggers don't happen that much so that probably makes it a little easier to deal with.

It's huge progress for me to be at the point I am so I'm not especially forgiving about a lot of things.

So maybe all of this makes my job as an actuary a good fit for me because actuaries don't like risk anyway, so it fits right in with my not trusting anyone


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> If my husband so much as pouted if I didn't feel like sex the damage would be great.....probably sounds like a lot to handle and maybe for some men it would be, but we're going on 11 years and still doing well.



Good for you. A pout means NO. Anything besides a willing OK or YES means NO. A shrug, a IDK, a delay using uummmmmmm, or a sad ok, or a depressed alright. 

YES means YES or an willing OK means yes. That's all. 

For me especially I am unable to say things when I am triggered and my silence is mistaken for "not opposing". I may be able to squeeze out the word NO one time, but if you ask and ask again and again my vocab becomes very limited.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Big Mama said:


> Good for you. A pout means NO. Anything besides a willing OK or YES means NO. A shrug, a IDK, a delay using uummmmmmm, or a sad ok, or a depressed alright.
> 
> YES means YES or an willing OK means yes. That's all.
> 
> For me especially I am unable to say things when I am triggered and my silence is mistaken for "not opposing". I may be able to squeeze out the word NO one time, but if you ask and ask again and again my vocab becomes very limited.


I'm sorry, I understand though. My ex was like that, but in his defense he was pretty clear that it was all about him so I'd just let him get his quickly so he'd leave me alone. And I'd make excuses to not go to bed with him so he'd fall asleep.

And you go along with it but in the back of your mind you think he's a huge, pathetic pos right? And you resent him more and more each time and continue to think less of him.

You know what I did one time? I gave my ex a huge sh!t test; I knew he wanted sex so I made very clear to him that I didn't but did not protest. I wanted to see if he'd force the issue.....well he did and I don't think I'd ever thought less of him then I did at that moment.

My husband wouldn't dream of pestering me.....if I even seem like I'm tired he'll lay off and give me breathing room. He has no interest in sex I'm not into, so because of that I often am into it.

It may not work for everyone but it does work for us

It takes a strong man to put up with me, so I'm glad I found one. Hopefully the rewards for him are worth it.

It's a win-win.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Aww, hell. Ya'll made me feel chicken.

*sigh*

I, too, was sexually abused as a child. 9 years.

I kid you not, I learned about pleasurable sex from books. I was a smart kid and I heard people talking about sex, saw it all over TV and heard it on the radio. I knew there had to be something good about it or so many people wouldn't be so obsessed with it. So, I started reading all kinds of books that weren't age appropriate. Everything from trashy romance novels to sex manuals to sexual research papers. By the time I was 12, I'd learned how sex is supposed to be and I was determined I would not let my abuser take my God given right to sexual enjoyment away from me. When the hormones kicked in and I started wanting to have sex, I was actually in a very good place and able to enjoy a healthy active sex life.

I actually feel very lucky. I know a lot of other women and men who suffered much more serious physical and emotional effects. I truly hope and pray you're able to overcome your difficulties, find the right partner, and have a very enjoyable and fulfilling sex life.

Funny fact. I consistently scored very high on tests relating to reading. I put that skill to good use by pilfering my female relatives adult novels. In 4th grade, I managed to get copies of The Happy Hooker and The Joy of Sex. In either 6th or 7th grade, I got my hands on a copy of the Kama Sutra. I used to ride my bike to the library regularly to do research on STD's, birth control methods, and anatomy. By the time I took sex ed in school, I had more current information than the instructor. If you regulars think I'm a strange adult, ya should have seen me as a kid!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

My advice may not be perfect, but being human is about NOT BEING PERFECT, and having a healthy sexual relationship is feeling that someone loves and cherishes ALL the parts about you, especially that parts that are NOT perfect, because at the end of the day that is what makes us human, and really teaches us what it is to be loved. 

So perhaps a healthy fantasy would be finding someone that values and appreciates the fact that you have NOT been dealt an easy hand in life. This person would be attracted to your ability to pick yourself back up and heal and have a strong sense of sexual attraction toward your personality just the way you are.

Love endures 

Love perseveres 

Sex should be a celebration of one's ability to love. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Big Mama said:


> Good for you. A pout means NO. Anything besides a willing OK or YES means NO. A shrug, a IDK, a delay using uummmmmmm, or a sad ok, or a depressed alright.
> 
> YES means YES or an willing OK means yes. That's all.
> 
> For me especially I am unable to say things when I am triggered and my silence is mistaken for "not opposing". I may be able to squeeze out the word NO one time, but if you ask and ask again and again my vocab becomes very limited.


Have you ever thought of using a sign instead of a word? Maybe just a simple hand in the air, palm forward, to mean "I'm triggering. Stop!"?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Sex is nothing more than an intense, trusting, and heartfelt, mutually-satisfying stimulation with someone that you deeply care for, with their love being reciprocal; and when it is unselfishly performed by both partners, it is simply somewhere just this side of intoxication!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

Trust is the biggest word for me. I need to have absolute faith in my husband. That he won't hurt me, humiliate me, push me, betray me, manipulate me, shame me etc., Once this was established sex became love, sharing, fun, empowering, relaxing, exhilarating, giving, and bonding. Trust first, without that the rest would have been impossible for me.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Yall are so great. You are making me cry. Tears of happiness of'course. Tears of understanding. I can't believe it, some one gets it. Not just one person. More then one person. Not just female folks, male folks to. Thank yall so much. I feel like healing might can begin. IT is gonna be a long hard road but it will be worth it.

I can't think you all enough. THANK YOU!!


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> You're welcome! I know for me the lasting damage it did to me was that it wrecked my ability to deeply trust people because let's just say that family members knew and did nothing about it, and when it came out they were worried about the poor scumbag and how he was embarrassed. So that taught me I couldn't trust anyone to protect me.


I completely understand. I got to see first hand who was more important, it was not some little kid that had been hurt. My abuser went to prison for hurting someone else. Upon his release he was welcomed back into the family and people wanted to give him a 2 nd chance and others thought what he did was ok. Some of the other relatives (male ones) said it is ok, all men look at little girls that way. How sick. That is all I can say to that. 

That taught me from a very early age that I was worthless. Some one could hurt me and do terrible things to me, and it didn't matter, I didn't matter. What the world thought of some pervert was more important than me.




lifeistooshort said:


> My ex was like that, but in his defense he was pretty clear that it was all about him so I'd just let him get his quickly so he'd leave me alone. And I'd make excuses to not go to bed with him so he'd fall asleep.
> 
> And you go along with it but in the back of your mind you think he's a huge, pathetic pos right? And you resent him more and more each time and continue to think less of him.
> 
> You know what I did one time? I gave my ex a huge sh!t test; I knew he wanted sex so I made very clear to him that I didn't but did not protest. I wanted to see if he'd force the issue.....well he did and I don't think I'd ever thought less of him then I did at that moment.


That is what I ended up doing with my husband all the time. He told me the very same thing my rapist did "The time and the effort you put towards putting up a fight, you could have just given in and it would be over with by now" I could never win any way, (against my H) so I just let him have his way with me. HE was right why torture myself and beg him not to, and fight with him, and argue with him, if I could just give him his 60 seconds and it was all over with. I had no idea how detrimental that thinking would be.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

badsanta said:


> So perhaps a healthy fantasy would be finding someone that values and appreciates the fact that you have NOT been dealt an easy hand in life. This person would be attracted to your ability to pick yourself back up and heal and have a strong sense of sexual attraction toward your personality just the way you are.
> 
> Love endures
> 
> ...


Thank you so much. Those are the perfect words. That is what made me cry. In a good way, I PROMISE. You may have very well given me hope in one small sentence. I take that back, It's two sentences. :grin2: THANK YOU


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

@Big Mama 
You hit the multi-quote button for each post you want to quote. At the last post you want to quote, you just click the quote button. All of the posts you quoted should then show up in the reply box.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> Have you ever thought of using a sign instead of a word? Maybe just a simple hand in the air, palm forward, to mean "I'm triggering. Stop!"?


I completely freeze. I stand before him like a statue and he can do as he wishes with me. I have PTSD by the way, My trauma response is to freeze. I am unable to move, speak, step backwards, wave signal. Eventually I can force tears to run down my face. That is the only things I can do. By that time it is way WAY to late. 

The T suggested that to. Maybe one day I will be able to save myself and do that. At this point in time I am not able to do that. But we are working on brain saving techniques. So I will have options one day.



Giro flee said:


> Once this was established sex became love, sharing, fun, empowering, relaxing, exhilarating, giving, and bonding. Trust first, without that the rest would have been impossible for me.



Thank you. Those are words I can say. I can use that. Trust, love, share, fun, empower, relax, giving, and bonding. I can't say exhilarating at the moment. But i will as time goes on.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Big Mama said:


> I completely freeze. I stand before him like a statue and he can do as he wishes with me. I have PTSD by the way, My trauma response is to freeze. I am unable to move, speak, step backwards, wave signal. Eventually I can force tears to run down my face. That is the only things I can do. By that time it is way WAY to late.
> 
> The T suggested that to. Maybe one day I will be able to save myself and do that. At this point in time I am not able to do that. But we are working on brain saving techniques. So I will have options one day.


You'd think a woman freezing up and not positively responding would be enough to clue a guy in to the fact that she doesn't want to continue. Yeesh.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

I'm fairly ancient compared to most folks here but I'm oblivious to understanding why the phrase, "no means no" is necessary. I've never had a woman verbally tell me no. I let her body talk to me and have never been interested in simply having sex to please myself.
Big Mama, you need to limit yourself to a man that cares more about pleasing you than merely getting off. You need to remember that sex is the area of human involvement most likely vulnerable to neurotic and psychotic behavior.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

MMJEAN - you are so right. Who wants to have sex with someone who is crying threw the whole process or dissociated. IT is not uncommon for me to cry during sex, after sex or even throw up when the act is complete. I know some of that is a trigger response. Even when H doesn't make me I still cry or throw up. I kinda feel bad for my H. No man signs up for these "qualities" in a woman. Crying, throwing up, sex with your shirt on, no boobs during foreplay. I really don;t know what other options I leave him as in how to enjoy sex. It just sucks, thats all. Someone, (not my H) robbed me of the joy of sex, and as easy as it is to say I am giving the perpetrator the power by thinking about it, and to jsut get over it. It doesn't always work that way for all individuals. For some folks maybe, IDK, but not for me. 

PHONIX- you are correct. NO comes in forms other then the word NO. Tears, saying I Don't feel like it, saying You have to be kidding me, AGAIN TONIGHT you jsut got it last night. Yeah, that all kinda says NOOOO!!!!!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

@Big Mama.

I had to actually train myself to view sex as a positive thing.

To do that I started letting my anger out, focusing on the abuse and sexual attacks. It was healthy for me to say out loud that I hated it and hated those that did it.

I then thought about what sex should be and started developing ideas about what I might like it to be.

It takes time and effort to change how your mind and heart react but it is well worth it.

I have gone through many phases and am still working to improve.

I use to get sick to my stomach thinking about vaginas and oral sex.

I now love giving oral and love the pleasure I give my wife.

Be patient with yourself.

I was with over fifty women by the time I met my wife but I didn't care about myself and didn't believe love existed.

When I saw Mrs. Conan for the first time, I was lost.

I knew immediately the level I cared for her and that made sex different.

The first time I was with her, I shook like an autumn leaf barely holding on to a tree in the wind.

My body meant little to me but my heart had been walled off for years.

I was truly "naked" with someone for the first time and it was hard.

I still occasionally woke up sick, reacting to having healthy sex after years of sexual abuse but it got better.

Naming what is bad, evil, harmful and hateful helped me identify what is beautiful, good, nurturing and healing.

I still cope with what happened but it gets easier all the time even though I don't think it will go away completely.

Having a truly loving and compassionate, patient, partner is a must.

Best wishes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Having a truly *loving and compassionate, patient, partner is a must.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Part of a healthy sexual relationship is feeling that you deserve THIS, and being strong enough to say NO to anything else that is not. 

IMO I think almost all relationships are capable of this, but it is important for you to help set and guide these boundaries in order to show someone how to love you! This can even be challenging for individuals that grew up under ideal circumstances, so being *loving, compassionate, and patient with yourself is also a must.*

Sincerely, 
Badsanta


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I think part of your inability to move on is because of how your abuser is being treated by family. He is still being welcome and included. Meanwhile, you still feeling the pain and shame of the abuse. It's still holding you a prisoner.

Your husband's attitude is not helping either. He is insensitive to how you feel. 

I am so sorry to hear of your pain. Always remember that you did nothing wrong and was nowhere responsible for his actions. Keep telling yourself this. And when your chest feels clogged up and you can breathe or you feel like throwing up, remember you did nothing wrong. He cant hurt you anymore. You are safe. You are a grown woman, strong and can fight back. You don't need anyone to protect you anymore. You can protect yourself.

How did I find myself? Like @MJJEAN, I read a lot of erotic books and bought myself a copy of the Joy of Sex when I was 18. When into B&N and got me a copy. This guy I really like was at the checkout. I was so ashamed and embarrassed. I read everything I could get my hands on. 

when I met my husband at 22, I still had issues. I was ashamed of my body. I thought sex was nasty, sinful and I was so full of shame. I took awhile to breakdown my barriers. He was kind, gentle and held me while I cried and told him my story. He always said, If you don't want to do something let me know. He did not know my story before we got married, I never told him. But he did not hold it against me. I still cry once in a while, I still feel nasty once in awhile. I won't let him touch me in certain places sometimes. I still wear big clothes to hide my body.
But I have what you don't have. They are both dead. Mr.P dead of a heart attack and dear cousin John drank himself to an early grave. My mother who was blind to everything is dead. My father is living in his personal hell.

I have my freedom. To love and live and be happy. I told my kids the story once about 3 years ago in a group setting. They know if that ever happens to them, mummy will kill someone. I will always protect them.
My tears today are for the poor little girl, who was too innocent to understand what was going on. And having no one to tell it to.

BigMama, you can find a new normal for you. I wish you happiness and peace.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> @Big Mama.
> 
> I had to actually train myself to view sex as a positive thing.
> 
> ...



Thank You so much for sharing. I went threw this many years ago. I was very small when the CSA happened, and I was 15 when the rape occurred. A lot of brainwashing and gaslighting was involved. When I met my H I was not able to tell him what happened. I didn't know that it was of any relevance. I just told him I had an encounter with a guy that was not positive so I would not be preforming oral sex ever. I thought I could hide from it, I thought that I was over it, I thought it was no big deal. Then I met the counselor I have now, and 20 years after being married she helped me tell my H what happened. 20 years of damage has been done because I was not able to tell him what happened. Some of the things I didn't even remember until this past month. (I am currently living separate from my H and I think that space and returning to my childhood home helped bring these memories back)

I have dealt with the anger. I turned this situation into a positive. I can now help others or join others in there pain, and I know what they have gone threw and how it feels. At the least I can help someone from feeling alone. I also decided to feel pain and sorrow for my abuser. I know what he did to me, but what did someone do to him to make him think that was ok and how you did things.

I'm trying now to train myself to think of sex as a good thing. That is kinda where I am now. I am having such difficulties with that, that my T suggested I fantasize. No one can tell me what to think or imagine. It used a different part of your brain and only I can control what comes from there. My imagination is limitless, and it doesn't contain my abusers at all. (Unless I want it do, which I don't) 

Right now I am struggling with even putting sex with positive words. I know what it should be but what it is not. That is kinda why I am asking for assistance. If I can just get the ball rolling and kick start the positives then maybe I can pick it up and carry it on. 

I have body memories as well. I can tell my brain many things but it is a new found difficulty to deal with body memories. When a sensation takes over your body and enters your brain and you can't use your brain to make it stop it becomes quite difficult it save yourself from that train of thought. 

But I will get threw this. My T specializes in trauma and PTSD. So I now have a hope that I never had before. 

I'm with ya, the thoughts of oral sex is displeasing to say the least. I have to be careful with things to make sure I don;t get triggered. I have to be careful cracking eggs, egg whites are slick like.... well you know. I have to not use certain clearish hand soaps, they remind me of that. I can't eat cream of wheat, oatmeal, mashed potatoes, yogurt, anything warm and thinish. I have huge difficulties with dentistry. I can't even brush my teeth on highly triggered days. I just can't have anything in my mouth. But like I said, I have a great T and we will get me thru this. And with yalls support and help I hope to get threw things just a tad faster then I would if I were completely alone. 

So thank you so much for sharing, and being willing to help me with this part of my journey.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

I spoke with my T and I am having a very difficult time with this assignment. IT is so hard for my brain to be allowed to go there. The T reminded me that the reason for this exercise is the thinking that because of the things that have happened to me, I will not allow my brain to go there. But if I can make it into my story to imagine the way I want to. The T says that replacing negative thoughts will help change things in my brain. It has all negative pictures, and since I have no positive picture to give it, it has no positive pictures to give me. So instead I have to give it positive picture by coming up with my own fantasies. 

This is scary as hell. But I want to thank y'all for giving me a place to start and a word bank to choose from.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Be powerful and in control of your fantasy.

Anything goes in fantasy and you can even rewrite as you are going if something isn't exactly to your liking.

A fantasy can be with any man or number of them, women or even aliens! LOL!

It should not be anything you think might be acceptable to anyone else and positive is a definition that only you can determine.

Whatever makes you feel good or happy or simply intrigued.

Very sorry for what happened and how much damage it has done.

Be accepting of yourself always.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

ConanHub -Thank you. Your continued support has helped. Aliens huh!!! HEHE. But that does give me an idea. I love horses, why not include the piece I feel when I am with Gods most majestic creature, a horse. They always bring me comfort and they are so understanding and forgiving. Again Thank you.

I can smile again. I might actually get there.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Big Mama said:


> I completely freeze. I stand before him like a statue and he can do as he wishes with me. I have PTSD by the way, My trauma response is to freeze. I am unable to move, speak, step backwards, wave signal. Eventually I can force tears to run down my face. That is the only things I can do. By that time it is way WAY to late.
> 
> The T suggested that to. Maybe one day I will be able to save myself and do that. At this point in time I am not able to do that. But we are working on brain saving techniques. So I will have options one day.
> 
> Thank you. Those are words I can say. I can use that. Trust, love, share, fun, empower, relax, giving, and bonding. I can't say exhilarating at the moment. But i will as time goes on.


There is so much to cover I am only going to cover a few elements.

(1) One situation I have experienced where I felt very safe and was granted access to my subconscious was in a hypnotic therapy office. The person put this heavy quilt over me that weighed me down and was warm and safe feeling. It was like a shield protecting me against anything. Then the hypnotic therapy started. You might look into that.

(2) PTSD. I know a lady who does Emotional Freedom Therapy or "finger tapping" to help people with PTSD. I learned about her when she helped her boyfriends fire house deal with a tragic fire were they were not able to save a large number of very young children. While it may seem silly, it has really helped some deal with taking their PTSD emotions and rerouting them in their brain.

(3) Congratulations to your ST on visualization. Very powerful stuff. Have you thought of just doing a romantic move binge one weekend? Take notes and see if anything get's your motor running? Then put together a clip of those scenes and talk with your ST about them to see if he can suggest something.

(4) Another very powerful method to "condition your mind" is affirmations. I would suggest you look into doing positive affirmations in two areas. The first would be your self-worth and desirability (you are not broken, but affirmations have to be a positive). Looking at yourself in the mirror and saying "I am a beautiful person worthy of the love of a good man who I can trust, etc." may help with one aspect. Another area of affirmations might be that "....as a healthy, complete individual; you desire to be in a sexual relationship with a man that you can emotionally bond with." These might not be the right affirmations for you and you may want to approach them in stages, say, "I can trust a man I know and love to touch my back without the fear of him hurting me."

Good luck. Have confidence in yourself and that not all men are evil.


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## wanttotrust (Feb 2, 2016)

I encourage you to try romance novels. I haven't read any for awhile, but I remember Julia Quinn and the Bridgerton series to be quite good.

The Bridgertons
------------------
The Duke and I
The Viscount Who Loved Me
An Offer from a Gentleman
Romancing Mister Bridgerton
To Sir Phillip, With Love
When He Was Wicked
It’s In His Kiss
On the Way to the Wedding
The Bridgertons: Happily Ever After

You might want to vet any books with amazon to check out the basic storyline. Reviewers are usually hard on books with rape, abuse, violence, etc and will discuss it in the review section.

Best wishes for your new erotic life ahead! What an exciting journey you are starting on!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Big Mama said:


> MMJEAN - you are so right. Who wants to have sex with someone who is crying threw the whole process or dissociated. IT is not uncommon for me to cry during sex, after sex or even throw up when the act is complete. I know some of that is a trigger response. Even when H doesn't make me I still cry or throw up. I kinda feel bad for my H. No man signs up for these "qualities" in a woman. Crying, throwing up, sex with your shirt on, no boobs during foreplay. I really don;t know what other options I leave him as in how to enjoy sex. It just sucks, thats all. Someone, (not my H) robbed me of the joy of sex, and as easy as it is to say I am giving the perpetrator the power by thinking about it, and to jsut get over it. It doesn't always work that way for all individuals. For some folks maybe, IDK, but not for me.
> 
> PHONIX- you are correct. NO comes in forms other then the word NO. Tears, saying I Don't feel like it, saying You have to be kidding me, AGAIN TONIGHT you jsut got it last night. Yeah, that all kinda says NOOOO!!!!!



You're mistaken.....your hb did rob you. True he wasn't the original cause but if he was a strong, selfless guy he might have been able to help you through it. Instead he's entitled and selfish and wants what he wants...you don't seem to matter much beyond being a warm body

Anyone who tells you that you could just give in and get it over with is an entitled scumbag. No decent, self respecting human being takes sex under those conditions. How many guys have we seen on TAM that would rather take care of themselves then have starfish sex? And we're not even talking about wives that cry, only ones that don't participate.

Speaks a lot to your husband's character. If sex with you wasn't satisfactory he could've worked with you to improve it or walked and found a better match. Instead he chose to stick around and worry about himself.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> (1) One situation I have experienced where I felt very safe and was granted access to my subconscious was in a hypnotic therapy office. The person put this heavy quilt over me that weighed me down and was warm and safe feeling. It was like a shield protecting me against anything. Then the hypnotic therapy started. You might look into that.


Believe it or not, that is what my dentist does. She knows my past history and why I have to use sedation for dental issues. She has a heavy quilt and she kinda tucks it in around the edges, not entrapping but just tucked in like you would a little child. May I love my dentists, they are the greatest. But that might be an idea in T. The T has blankets laying around in her office. I almost feel like hiding under the blanket and covering my head and face with it as I talk about these things with her. Sometimes I think she would be ok with me hiding under her desk. I have not done that yet though. But talking about fantasies with her might drive me to that. How embarrassing. 


Young at Heart said:


> (2) PTSD. I know a lady who does Emotional Freedom Therapy or "finger tapping" to help people with PTSD. I learned about her when she helped her boyfriends fire house deal with a tragic fire were they were not able to save a large number of very young children. While it may seem silly, it has really helped some deal with taking their PTSD emotions and rerouting them in their brain.


I had done some of that at one time. I don't know if it helped or not. I don't feel like it did, but maybe it did. I do know that it didn't hurt anything. I really need to try that again. I used to do it while reading positive affirmations. I need to talk to T again about that. 



Young at Heart said:


> (3) Congratulations to your ST on visualization. Very powerful stuff. Have you thought of just doing a romantic move binge one weekend? Take notes and see if anything get's your motor running? Then put together a clip of those scenes and talk with your ST about them to see if he can suggest something.
> 
> (4) Another very powerful method to "condition your mind" is affirmations. I would suggest you look into doing positive affirmations in two areas. The first would be your self-worth and desirability (you are not broken, but affirmations have to be a positive). Looking at yourself in the mirror and saying "I am a beautiful person worthy of the love of a good man who I can trust, etc." may help with one aspect. Another area of affirmations might be that "....as a healthy, complete individual; you desire to be in a sexual relationship with a man that you can emotionally bond with." These might not be the right affirmations for you and you may want to approach them in stages, say, "I can trust a man I know and love to touch my back without the fear of him hurting me."
> 
> Good luck. Have confidence in yourself and that not all men are evil.


 (3) is an interesting notion. Maybe a possibility one weekend when H has the kids. I been wanting to see 50 shades of gray, though the new one might be a better choice, the one that is a mockery of that movie. By the same guy who did Vampires Suck. Can't remember the name of that movie now for anything. 

(4) Affirmations. I am starting a list of those. The T has told me to read over them a minimum of 5 times a day. Add to them as I can, and read them, say them. You don;t have to believe them, just say them and hear them. I have been doing that for about a week now.

Thank you for your many good ideas. I think these things will help me remember what used to work and what is working now.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

wanttotrust said:


> I encourage you to try romance novels. I haven't read any for awhile, but I remember Julia Quinn and the Bridgerton series to be quite good.
> 
> You might want to get any books with amazon to check out the basic storyline. Reviewers are usually hard on books with rape, abuse, violence, etc and will discuss it in the review section.
> 
> Best wishes for your new erotic life ahead! What an exciting journey you are starting on!


Thank you for your suggestion. I went to the library today for some romance novels. I used to read them all the time. They were closed today, but they will be open again tomorrow. I shall have happy hunting tomorrow.



lifeistooshort said:


> You're mistaken.....your hb did rob you. True he wasn't the original cause but if he was a strong, selfless guy he might have been able to help you through it. Instead he's entitled and selfish and wants what he wants...you don't seem to matter much beyond being a warm body
> 
> Anyone who tells you that you could just give in and get it over with is an entitled scumbag. No decent, self respecting human being takes sex under those conditions.


True. Maybe he helped rob me to. He didn't know of my past history but even if I had no past history that is not what you do in order to receive sex. 

Thank you for pointing that out.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

brooklynAnn said:


> And when your chest feels clogged up and you can breathe or you feel like throwing up, remember you did nothing wrong. He cant hurt you anymore. You are safe. You are a grown woman, strong and can fight back. You don't need anyone to protect you anymore. You can protect yourself.
> 
> How did I find myself? Like @MJJEAN, I read a lot of erotic books and bought myself a copy of the Joy of Sex when I was 18. When into B&N and got me a copy. This guy I really like was at the checkout. I was so ashamed and embarrassed. I read everything I could get my hands on.
> 
> He was kind, gentle and held me while I cried and told him my story. He always said, If you don't want to do something let me know.


Big Mama, feeling safe is very important. Knowing you can protect yourself increases feelings of safety and confidence. Have you ever thought about taking self defense classes or martial arts training? Firearms training?

When I was about 13 a few male family members thought it would be a good idea to teach me to fight. They modified techniques to allow for my smaller size and lack of upper body strength compared to a man.

When I was 15, my boyfriend walked me home and my parents weren't there. He came in "for a minute" and then tried to rape me in the living room. I fought as I was trained to and managed to stun him long enough to run outside.

I moved back to the city I lived in when it happened. Inevitably, he crossed my path. His face still carries the scars I gave him.

Knowing how to fight and that I could protect me and mine made a very big difference for me.
@brooklynAnne People can say what they want about "smut novels" and "bodice rippers", but they sure seem to have helped a lot of women have a healthier view of sex.

I told my DH while we were dating. I kind of had to. Apparently, I felt safe with him. Safe enough to have the first violent nightmare about it that I'd ever had while I was sleeping next to him. I woke up punching, kicking, and biting. He was awesome about it. He thought I was just having a really bad random dream. I was so shaken by what happened I told him the story. No details, just the bare facts.

It took me years to tell him more about what happened.

Of course, when we started exploring new territory, he said that he wanted to make sure our activities wouldn't trigger me because they involved light BDSM and he thought feeling helpless might hit something in my mind. Feeling helpless with him makes me feel safe, so that wasn't going to be an issue, but I get how he'd think it might.

What really bothered me about that conversation, what really hurt, was that it had to happen at all. Here I was, over 25 years later, with a man I love that I have great sex with, and THAT managed to rear it's head.



Big Mama said:


> I'm trying now to train myself to think of sex as a good thing. That is kinda where I am now. I am having such difficulties with that, that my T suggested I fantasize. No one can tell me what to think or imagine. It used a different part of your brain and only I can control what comes from there. My imagination is limitless, and it doesn't contain my abusers at all. (Unless I want it do, which I don't)
> 
> Right now I am struggling with even putting sex with positive words. I know what it should be but what it is not. That is kinda why I am asking for assistance. If I can just get the ball rolling and kick start the positives then maybe I can pick it up and carry it on.
> 
> ...


I really suggest trying to read romance novels. See what your therapist thinks.

Saving yourself from negative trains of thought isn't easy. For me, it was all about mental discipline. The thought would begin, I'd consciously nip it in the bud and think about something good instead. After a while, the negative thoughts intruded less and less.



Big Mama said:


> Believe it or not, that is what my dentist does. She knows my past history and why I have to use sedation for dental issues. She has a heavy quilt and she kinda tucks it in around the edges, not entrapping but just tucked in like you would a little child. May I love my dentists, they are the greatest. But that might be an idea in T. The T has blankets laying around in her office. I almost feel like hiding under the blanket and covering my head and face with it as I talk about these things with her. Sometimes I think she would be ok with me hiding under her desk. I have not done that yet though. But talking about fantasies with her might drive me to that. How embarrassing.
> 
> 
> 
> I have tried that. I am not real sure it helped much. It sure didn't hurt to try that. It just may or may not have helped. I can't say that it did, but heck, what do I know. I have moved away from that.


Hey, never underestimate the power of a blankie! 

If having a blanket would help you begin to talk about whatever you need to talk about, then there is nothing wrong with that. Do it. After a time, you'll find it gets easier and easier and you won't need a comfort item anymore. But if you need a comfort item to make progress, then find the comfiest blankie around!


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Big Mama, 

My wife was raped, and dealing with her issues is what brought me to TAM. I can't remember if I shared this with you before or not. The article may help you if you meet someone in the future. Unbearable Lessons - The Forgiven Wife

As far as describing sex, my wife and I have it scheduled once a week, on the weekends. This morning, a Thursday, as I was getting ready for work, she looks at me and says "How about a quickie?"

I texted her later in the day and said "It feels like Christmas morning" She replied "Your THAT Happy??"

I replied "Yes I am, your GIFTS to me make me that happy!!!"

When my wife & I make love, it forms a CONNECTION in me to her. Like our souls are enmeshed. There is nothing I won't do for her when we are connected.

It hasn't been easy, but my wife & I are making progress. Don't get discouraged. I only recently learned something about my wife's family that opened my eyes and gave me a better understanding of her.

Best wishes,


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Big Mama,
> 
> My wife was raped, and dealing with her issues is what brought me to TAM. I can't remember if I shared this with you before or not. The article may help you if you meet someone in the future. Unbearable Lessons - The Forgiven Wife


Absolutely powerful. Thank you for sharing that link. I am in tears just reading that first page. Absolutely unbelieveable. I will certainly share that link. I know my T will like to see some of this, and maybe even my H to. I'm speechless, and in need of tissues now. Thank you for sharing.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

I found the link and sent it to my wife with a PLEASE READ attached. After she read it, she sent me a email saying "I'm sorry I treated you like that, I will work on separating my view of you from my past"

That really helped me to be more patient with her. Up to that point, she derided my feelings and desires. Once she started to acknowledge her problems, I felt we could start working on issues.

It may help your husband to understand what you are dealing with if he reads that article. I know I have gained a lot of insight from reading the articles on her website. At one point my wife asked me to stop asking her questions, because I would read a article and ask her how article lined up with her feelings. 

The articles helped us to start communicating more and with better quality.

Keep working on yourself. I know your husband has his own issues to deal with, just try to make him accountable for ONLY his own issues.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Big Mama said:


> Believe it or not, that is what my dentist does. ..... She has a heavy quilt and she kinda tucks it in around the edges, not entrapping but just tucked in like you would a little child. .....Sometimes I think she would be ok with me hiding under her desk. I have not done that yet though. But talking about fantasies with her might drive me to that. ...
> 
> I had done some of that at one time. I don't know if it helped or not. I don't feel like it did, but maybe it did. I do know that it didn't hurt anything. I really need to try that again. I used to do it while reading positive affirmations. I need to talk to T again about that.
> 
> ...


A little feedback. Part of what I was trying to say in (1) was trying as some point (maybe talk to T about it) hypnotherapy. I wouldn't hide under a desk. Still a heavy quilt does make one feel like there is a protective barrier and that might be all you need when working with your therapist.

As far as taping or EFT it doesn't work for everyone, but you might give it a try at some point in the future depending on how your therapy goes. If you have tried it and you don't remember it working, then either it was being done wrong or not working. So I would put that one for later.

As to binge movie watching, I would recommend movies that are non-violent. 

You might look through the following list of non-violent movies that indicate they are romantic or have romantic themes:

Peacemovies.com: Best List Of The Top 50 Classic Nonviolent Family Movies

Or look through some other listing of romantic movies, but avoid ones with any kind of violence. 50 Shades, just doesn't sound like what you would want to watch, as it is about power & control.

The 50 Most Romantic Movies Ever Made | Flavorwire

Finally when you say your affirmations say them in a loud positive voice. I often record my affirmations or purchase prerecorded ones and say them in a loud positive voice when I am commuting alone in my car or at other times when I am alone. They also work great for exercise and weight loss motivation.

Again, good luck.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Thank you all so much for your support. I have done some writing, as my T suggested. I have found some very interesting things about what I need to feel. At the top of the list is "wanted" and "safety" . Those are the two biggest stumbling blocks. I would like to share what I have written but don't think anyone really wants to read a romance novel kinda smut summarized in 1 page. But the T was right once again (why would she not be, will I ever learn) This exercise has helped alot and maybe even helped my own personal "demons" go away some. 

By the way I shared the lind from above from "The Forgiven Wife" with my T. She found it very intersting and may even use it as a resource for others. Thank you for making me oware of that site.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Big Mama said:


> .. I would like to share what I have written but don't think anyone really wants to read a romance novel kinda smut summarized in 1 page.


Great for you! It is perfectly OK to not to share because you want to others to respect your privacy and not subject yourself to criticism when you are vulnerable to strangers online. It is OK to only want to share these things with someone who loves and cares about you! 

At the same time, you should not feel ashamed of what you have written. Writing a story about how you want to be loved is absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Big Mama, you got a lot of great advise. I just want to add to what lifeistooshort said - do not go back to your husband. You will never open up sexually or emotionally with him, you will never feel save with him. Get him out of your life, move forward.


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