# 24, need advice



## Jessicawoop (Feb 6, 2016)

I feel like i am falling out of love with my husband. If you want a detailed back story then go on my profile and check my previous thread ( i dont know how to share it) but cut a long story short my husband cheated on me a while back and it has changed everything. 
We used to be happy and love spending time together but its just not like that anymore. He is my first relationship ( before you say, yes i know i married my first love blah blah blah).
My dad had an affair on my mum, my sisters long term boyfriend was not nice at all and i think i have been bought up with this image in my head that men are just this way, like its ok for them to cheat, lie and be self centered. But now im growing up and realising that its not ok to treat the people you love like this. I couldn't imagine touching another man. Sorry for the rant but i dont know what to do.
I feel so distant from my husband. I dont really enjoy spending time with him anymore, i personally never want to have sex with him unless im drunk. Its not like i dont want it cos i do but just not with him. I would never cheat on him because i know how damaging it is to a person. 
I dont know the last time we laughed together, or cuddled, or just looked at each other with love in our eyes. You know what i mean. 
Is this normal? Can we get our relationship back? Please let me know your thoughts. Thanks. Jess


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

It's been a year and nothing has changed. You want to waste another minute feeling like this? C'mon sister...

gtfo!


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## Jessicawoop (Feb 6, 2016)

I know i should but its hard


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## xxx12 (Jan 30, 2017)

Why keep wasting your time feeling like this when there is someone so much better out there? Nothing is going to bring love back into your relationship. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I was 16 when I met my first husband, and like you I was determined to make it work at all costs. 3 kids and 14 years later I finally ended it, YEARS after I should have. I too thought things would get better. but they never did.

My son, who is 25, just ended a three year relationship - they were engaged - because she finally admitted she never wants kids. Talk about HARD. But they did it.

It's like ripping off a band aid. Once the initial pain dulls, you get better. Really. You just have to take that first step.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Jessicawoop said:


> I know i should but its hard


Yeah, it's hard. Ask yourself from the future whether she wished you put up with the HARD now or the terrible forever.


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## Jessicawoop (Feb 6, 2016)

How did you even start talking about leaving to your partner?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Jessicawoop said:


> How did you even start talking about leaving to your partner?


I never talked to him. I just left. By that time I'd talked myself blue in the face. It made no difference. So finally I just DID. You need to make the decision, and then the only discussion there needs to be is who gets what furniture. If you haven't decided 100% you can be talked into staying like I was.

When I kicked my second husband out for cheating, I just announced it. There was no discussion - it was a decision I had made and was non-negotiable. Oh, he tried, but I made him go. If he had totally refused, I would have left, and we would NOT be together today.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> I was 16 when I met my first husband, and like you I was determined to make it work at all costs. 3 kids and 14 years later I finally ended it, YEARS after I should have. I too thought things would get better. but they never did.
> 
> My son, who is 25, just ended a three year relationship - they were engaged - because she finally admitted she never wants kids. Talk about HARD. But they did it.
> 
> It's like ripping off a band aid. Once the initial pain dulls, you get better. Really. You just have to take that first step.


I bet on things getting better to and lost. It seems like once a relationship starts out bad it doesn't recover. At least for your son she finally admitted to something that she knew was a no go. I'm surprised that she would let it go as long as she did while knowing that it would catastrophically end at one point.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

jb02157 said:


> I bet on things getting better to and lost. It seems like once a relationship starts out bad it doesn't recover. At least for your son she finally admitted to something that she knew was a no go. I'm surprised that she would let it go as long as she did while knowing that it would catastrophically end at one point.


I think they were both hoping her mind would change at some point. Other than the kids thing their relationship has always been great. It's pretty sad it ended, but they both know it's for the best. My son has wanted to be a daycare worker and have 10 kids of his own since he was about 4.


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

Once trust is gone it's really hard to rebuild. And even if you do, you still have those thoughts of your husband with another woman floating around in your head. That's got to be painful, no matter how much time has passed. Do you ever wonder from time to time if he's having another affair? If the answer is yes then you will be asking yourself this question for the rest of your married life. You have to decide if that's how you want to live. If not, it's time to put the kibosh on this marriage and seek out another man for whom you will have romantic feelings.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

It will only get worse more and more of your feelings will diminish. It sounds like it is time to move on and find your happiness.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Jessicawoop said:


> I feel like i am falling out of love with my husband. If you want a detailed back story then go on my profile and check my previous thread ( i don't know how to share it) but cut a long story short my husband cheated on me a while back and it has changed everything.
> We used to be happy and love spending time together but its just not like that anymore. He is my first relationship ( before you say, yes i know i married my first love blah blah blah).
> My dad had an affair on my mum, my sisters long term boyfriend was not nice at all and i think i have been bought up with this image in my head that men are just this way, like its ok for them to cheat, lie and be self centered. But now im growing up and realising that its not ok to treat the people you love like this. I couldn't imagine touching another man. Sorry for the rant but i dont know what to do.
> I feel so distant from my husband. I dont really enjoy spending time with him anymore, i personally never want to have sex with him unless im drunk. Its not like i dont want it cos i do but just not with him. I would never cheat on him because i know how damaging it is to a person.
> ...


I am very pro marriage and so sad to see people divorce, but you have been married such a short time and he has already cheated. It doesn't bode well for the future, and as you have found out, adultery shatters the trust and intimacy and what was there before. 

Jessica, my dad had at least one affair, (a very long one), both of my sisters in law cheated, my husbands ex wife cheated, my grandfather cheated, my family is full of hurt and betrayal and lies and divorce due to this, but its NOT normal or right and I would NEVER accept a cheating husband. To me it shows a man who hasn't got integrity or good moral values and thinks nothing of keeping the vows he so recently made. It shows a lack of self control and complete selfishness. 

I am not surprised that you are falling out of love, you probably have no respect left for him.I doubt if I could have sex again if this happened to me, and the thought that you have to get drunk to do this is so sad but not surprising.

It may help you to get some counseling and decide what your next stop should be, but its a blessing that you have no children(at least you haven't mentioned any) and if you decide to end the marriage then it will be far simpler because of that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Jessicawoop said:


> I know i should but its hard


 Not nearly as hard as it would be years down the line with children around. 
My first marriage ended after 23 years, as did my husbands first marriage, its was so painful, but being married to a really lovely moral man of integrity now is amazing and he was well worth waiting for.
You are still so young, you need to decide whether you want to stay with a cheater or not. Is it it worth the risk?

Tell me, did he tell you he cheated or did you find out?. Was it a long affair or one night? What were the circumstances? He he been repentant? Is he making every effort to help you trust again?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I left my fiancee as soon as I found out she was cheating even though it was 6 months before the wedding. Why? I could not imagine marrying a woman who has proved that she cannot be trusted. Even if she never cheated again, I would forever be suspicious of her and she would grow to resent it and our marriage would not have lasted.

Trust once broken takes a very long time to rebuild and even then it will never be as good as it was before. I have known enough cheaters to know that they usually keep on cheating but get very good at not getting caught. A person's past behavior is a very good indicator of their future behavior. The problem is that even if they do not cheat again, you will still feel the same distrust and emotions regardless. That is why I am against taking a cheating partner back. No matter what my life will be led being suspicious whether they cheat or not. A lose-lose situation. 

Sorry to say that I have seen too many women in your position and it boils down to either looking the other way and not worrying about it, or divorcing. You cannot live like you are living because you are wasting the best years of your life. So many stay together because divorce is a horrible thing to go through. You need to make the tough decision now. I wish you luck.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this, it's an awful position to be in and a very tough decision to make.

If you are feeling this way the best thing you can do is call it a day, it will hurt for a while but eventually you will feel so much better and realise leaving was the best thing to do. 

Alternatively, you could try come marriage counselling and this will help but you'll never forget and will have triggers from time to time.

I am currently going through divorce due to a cheating husband and since I kicked him out I've felt like a huge weights been lifted off my shoulders. I feel a huge sense of freedom, no one dragging me down or making me feel insecure, I'm finally regaining my confidence and realising my self worth. I will never settle for a cheating spouse again. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

A


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Ask yourself if that's truly what it is that you want out of life!

Within the scope of that very question, I think that you will find your ultimate answer!*


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## Jessicawoop (Feb 6, 2016)

Has anyone tried marriage counsiling? And did it help ? Thanks for all of your thoughts


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Jessicawoop said:


> Has anyone tried marriage counsiling? And did it help ? Thanks for all of your thoughts


My husband and his ex had some. The idea was that they would see people separately for a time and then after that together. They never got that far as the female counselor more or less encouraged her to separate, and then left them to it. As it happened, she then met another man and they ended up divorced and he is much happier now, so every cloud had a silver lining. 

It does help some people, so worth a try. 
Unless he has come clean about what happened, is completely repentant and is doing all he can to rebuild trust, then it may not work. 

Did you find out or did he come to you?How long was it for?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Jessica, I have just read your other thread. Your husband is in his 30's now but still acting like a single promiscuous teenager. The things he has done are appalling, trying to get off with your sister, telling other women he loves them, cheating and then having sex with you before he tells you he may have an std? Isn't that illegal? Remember also that he may have done far more that you dont know about. 
Unfortunately you have married an immature man with no moral values, no sense of decency or responsibility and no intention of being faithful. Either you carry on with him knowing that this will be the same all your life, or you end it now before you have children and wait for a decent man who will treat you with love and respect. 

I honestly don't know why you even married this man. He is a complete waste of space. is this the sort of man you want as the father to your children?

I don't think that any amount of counseling will change a man like that.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Jessicawoop said:


> Has anyone tried marriage counsiling? And did it help ? Thanks for all of your thoughts


The ONLY way MC will work is if BOTH parties are 100% committed to making it work. Your husband is so far from committed that MC would be nothing but a joke.

Stop looking for reasons to stay with him. HE IS NOT WORTH IT. YOU ARE worth it - worth far more than this loser can provide you with. Get out NOW while you're young. Then spend a couple of years finding your own self worth, so that the next relationship you get into isn't born of desperation like this one is. You must NEVER be with someone that doesn't make you 100% happy and worship the ground you walk on! Seriously! Disentangle yourself from this relationship and then figure out what makes you happy, and ONLY THEN go out and find a man who can do it for you. If you even NEED a man to make you happy. Many women don't, you know.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Jessica, yes you can get your marriage back. But it isn't going to be easy, it's going to take a lot of work on both your parts. So both you and your husband need to ask yourselves whether you're willing to put that work in, or whether you're just "meh". I haven't read your other threads, so I don't know whether your husband is a good guy, and is truly remorseful for what he's done, or not. So you'll have to be the judge of that.

You have the right to leave, he cheated, and that's on him. But if you want to get the relationship you had back, it is possible. Just not easy. But you both need to be fully on board and committed.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jessicawoop said:


> I feel like i am falling out of love with my husband. If you want a detailed back story then go on my profile and check my previous thread ( i dont know how to share it) but cut a long story short my husband cheated on me a while back and it has changed everything.
> We used to be happy and love spending time together but its just not like that anymore. He is my first relationship ( before you say, yes i know i married my first love blah blah blah).
> My dad had an affair on my mum, my sisters long term boyfriend was not nice at all and i think i have been bought up with this image in my head that men are just this way, like its ok for them to cheat, lie and be self centered. But now im growing up and realising that its not ok to treat the people you love like this. I couldn't imagine touching another man. Sorry for the rant but i dont know what to do.
> I feel so distant from my husband. I dont really enjoy spending time with him anymore, i personally never want to have sex with him unless im drunk. Its not like i dont want it cos i do but just not with him. I would never cheat on him because i know how damaging it is to a person.
> ...


Yikes. A year on.

Have you tried individual and couple's counselling? 

This is not a good marriage for you.


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

Hi,

Both of you do this to renew, commit to working on the relationship, sex, romance, communication, therapy by a trained therapist by John Gottman, Ph.D. If you both decide to give it a go do this too. Go to a Dr. John Gottman Ph.D's marriage seminars, listed to Dr. Gottmans Audio CD book called. "what makes love last." Six Audio CD's and appendixes that you both complete to understand your relationship, communication style, trust and betrayal levels that if you do not attune to will ultimately lead to divorce. He can tell up to 75% accuracy who will divorce. This relationship scientist knows beyond scientific fact how to fix marriages to the pre-marital bliss state for the most part for most couples. Read and do all the book work and self and together practice to bet back that spark, or feeling to begin a new in a trust and safe place together.

In Recap
Give a deadline for her to choose to comeback and start loving.
Listen and be supportive, No you did statements to her, If she does them to you stay neutral, say I hear you, then say is there anything else that I need to hear that I had not asked or in-tune to understand. You just opened a door for a pleasing discussion or peace that she feels heard.
See a therapist
Do read, listen, and practice the stuff from the book I mentioned above. It will list everything you both to learn that you had no clue what both of you were doing wrong. Once you start this book you are not going to believe how you both have been sabotaging real intimacy to love where you leave, separate or divorce from the relationship. I am not talking sex her. That is later in the book.

Work on the tips and master them. Your marriage should become what hoped for and dreamed of.
If you are at a point that you feel that there is no chance. It's o.k. Read, listen, and do the exercises because it will only make you wise, relate better, and understand why we treat a stranger better than our spouses.

Good Luck.

David


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Maybe 15 years ago (after I'd been married a while), a woman who was a close friend was in a LTR with her boyfriend and took me aside to talk. She said that while he hadn't changed, she had just lost interest in him. Not his fault, but things were different.

I told her that if he still loved her, and he hadn't changed, the right thing to do was for her to stay with him, that it wasn't fair to leave him for something that was not his fault. The got married, had kids, I rarely see them anymore. They don't seem unhappy, but they don't seem happy either.

It is the worst advice I ever gave in my life, and I wish there was some way for me to take it back, but I can't.


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