# Dont know what to do



## steelers101 (Jul 13, 2011)

My wife and i have been married 23 years and have 3 kids. We have had problems in the past and have always worked them out sorta of. My wife told me that she opted out of our marraige years ago but i would not have known it. We have an active sex life and i work very hard to provide for them. The problem started 3 months ago, she started to go out more with her girl friends and i didnt have a problem with this. i asked if i could go along to the bar and play darts and she blew up. Long story short her words over the past 3 months have been " I dont love you anymore", " I want nothing to do with you", " I dont want to hurt the kids". I wouldnt give up and told her that I love her and am sorry for the problems of growing apart and not paying enough attention to her. We recently had a good talk and it seems to be easing up but....last week she would not sleep with me and i found out that she had text our good mutual friend about sexting, he text her that she needs to work on her marraige and save it basically. She said she wasnt asking for c**k and out of anger i hope that she was going to use her toy on her and fantasize about him because he couldnt take that away from her. I'm hurt.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Please elaborate on what her messages said to him.


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## steelers101 (Jul 13, 2011)

He is not having sex and in the middle of a seperation. She said she could give him a story. At that point he began to tell her to work it out and stop being so mad. She told him that she did not want to have sex with me and couldnt orgasim (which i proved wrong). She seemed mad that he was telling her this and then said that she was going to shower and jump on her dildo and fantasize about him and he couldnt take that away from her. That was saturday. on sunday we had a long talk and by monday we were in bed together


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## steelers101 (Jul 13, 2011)

Should I confront her about this???


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

She "seems" conflicted. But to me she does sound more like she's checked out but using you for good sex. Sorry you're going through this. Be strong. The people here are top notch in providing advice on how to deal.


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## steelers101 (Jul 13, 2011)

I know our friend talked to her on monday. Since then she seems to be considering to let me "back into her heart". I just dont know if shes lying or being truthful for us and not just the kids.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

The good thing is that your mutual friend isn't engaging her, so she isn't having an affair with him. But it does constitute a one way EA. 

The bad thing is she is probably actively looking to have an affair. You can already see that she lies to your friend about not being able to orgasm with you. She has checked out of the marriage some time ago, and may have already had some affairs in the past that you never knew about. She definitely doesn't want you to go on any GNOs with her. Who knows what she does on those GNOs. She could have already had a few ONSs already.

You need to get yourself checked for any STDs. I can imagine that you don't want to share her or be a cuckold. She says she's only there because of the children. That's just not good enough and very selfish. *She wants the security of marriage, but the freedom to screw anyone she pleases*. This is obviously not acceptable to you and not good for the children.

You need to confront her about this and demand that both of you go to MC. Also, you need to do parts of the 180 on her. Do not beg, do not chase her, do not follow her around, do not keep saying "I love you". At this point, she thinks she can pretty much do what she wants. Go ahead and look up info on the 180, or if you want, I can PM it to you.

I imagine these so-called friends of hers that she goes on GNOs with are enabling this behavior. They are obviously not friends of the marriage and are toxic. 

If you don't do something, then sooner rather than later, she WILL find another man and have an affair that will end your marriage. She's already on the prowl and this EA with your mutual friend is just the beginning.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I would toss her, her dildo, and her cell phone into the street.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I am confused. 

He's your friend and separated. She randomly texts him she can feed him stories to get him hot and bothered to help him out (since he's not getting laid) and he declines telling her that she needs to be focused on her marriage and not giving him sex stories. Then she gets pissed and tells him she will shower and masturbate later to thoughts of him with her dildo?

Is that right? 

And this is the first time she's ever spoken to him in that context? 

Something is off here.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

All adultary begins in the mind, so she's obviously already in one.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> And this is the first time she's ever spoken to him in that context?
> 
> Something is off here.


Are you implying that sexually aggressive women don't exist? If you are then I've got some Idaho beach front property to sell you.:rofl:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

morituri said:


> Are you implying that sexually aggressive women don't exist?


No. I'm implying that that probably wasn't the first time she spoke to the friend in that context. That the sexual banter between them probably goes back farther than that one text the OP discovered.

And I wouldn't ever buy anything in Idaho.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> No. I'm implying that that probably wasn't the first time she spoke to the friend in that context. That the sexual banter between them probably goes back farther than that one text the OP discovered.


I see. Thanks for the clarification.

But it looks from all indications that what might have started like innocent flirting between the two of them has now degenerated into sexually aggressive maneuvers on her part towards him. Furthermore, his apparent 'leave me alone' comments, makes her only more determined to get him to have an affair with her.



> And I wouldn't ever buy anything in Idaho.


"Living in you own private Idaho...Get out of that state" the B52s


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

steelers101,

It seems obvious to a blind man that your wife is one of those women that is not attracted by what she has at home and instead is attracted by what she can't have.

Perhaps it is time that you become familiar with the 180 degree protocols. They are NOT designed to manipulate your wife into coming back to you - though that is a very common side effect - but to give you enough emotional fortitude to the point where you can move on with your life with or without her. Here they are:

1.* Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.*
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. *Do not say "I Love You".*
12. *Act as if you are moving on with your life.*
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. *Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, etc.*
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17.* You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.*
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. *Never lose your cool.*
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. *Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes her feelings stronger).*
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. *Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.*
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. *Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.*
30. *Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.*
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see.
33. *Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.*


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Take note of Morituri list, it's good stuff.



steelers101 said:


> I wouldnt give up and told her that I love her and am sorry for the problems of growing apart and not paying enough attention to her.


Your approach has to change now. The more you try to stop her and fix the marriage the more she will resist. She has to want to fix the M herself and she won't be interested in doing that until you give up on it/her.

It's very counter-intuitive but it works. Pull back and give her what she "thinks" she wants and watch how she starts to second guess herself.


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## Dandri (Jul 14, 2011)

steelers, 

I agree with morituri. I hope telling this here and being flat honest will not get me nasty reply's. I am seperated from my husband of nearly 4 yrs, I'm actually the one that technically cheated with getting verbal affection from a man on the internet. I live in the states he lives in the uk.

I tried everything I could think of to get my husband to talk to me, touch me, kiss me or even have sexual relations with me for over 2 yrs now. Until I relized that it wasn't me with the problem it was him. 

So I did a lot of the things on that list - not for the purpose of leaving my husband, but simply to get my own head space and to see if he realized what it was he was saying goodbye to. I was a good wife to him, a good friend and listener, only thing was as far as verbal affection, physical affection and sexual affection went, I found I was not "enough" i believe is the best way I can say it without crying, for him. I dont know where we went wrong.

I didnt want any other guy, but in my situation why I reached out for another man was because I could not get verbal, physical or sexual affection from my husband. I am not saying this is your problem you have with your girl, but from what you say being honest if she is txting those things then this has been going on for some time, it most likley wasflirting banter between friends but it sounds to me like it became serious at some point and that the guy may have regreted it and doesnt want to continue with her anymore untill she is either free to be with him only or to have her leave him alone entirely as he may think she still loves you and not him.

I can say honestly Morituri's list (more extensive than the one I had) is your best shot at this. If you still want her after what you have learned, use the list. It's going to be difficult and you may not get her back and be prepared that if you do get her back some things will be different.

My marriage failed due to my new online relationship that happened just 3 weeks ago and my husband found out. The thing that tells me my husband didnt actually care, he wasnt angry or upset about it - he told me he just wants me to be happy and he wants to be happy too and we both knew we were not happy together or making each other happy. I dont know if that means he just found the perfect out so he didnt feel fully responsable for whats been going on or not - I did tell him it takes two to make a marriage not just one. I told him that we both messed up along the way and that irreguardless if I hadnt done what I did and he left it still wouldnt be all his fault.

What Im saying is steeler just be prepared for whatever the outcome maybe, follow the list and based on her reactions you will find out if you and her can still be happy together and make one another happy.

**Sorry for the long post**


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Steelers, she's just telling you what you want to hear so that she can stay home and "safe" in the marriage, all while planning her exit strategy. 

She's already got the toxic idea in her head that there is a life beyond you.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Dandri said:


> My marriage failed due to my new online relationship that happened just 3 weeks ago and my husband found out. *The thing that tells me my husband didn't actually care, he wasn't angry or upset about it* - he told me he just wants me to be happy and he wants to be happy too and we both knew we were not happy together or making each other happy. *I don't know if that means he just found the perfect out so he didn't feel fully responsible for whats been going on or not* - I did tell him it takes two to make a marriage not just one. I told him that we both messed up along the way and that regardless if I hadn't done what I did and he left it still wouldn't be all his fault.


Dandri while I do agree with you that a marriage is the responsibility of two people, the responsibility to have an affair falls squarely on the person that makes the choice to have it. In this case you.

If your marriage was that bad and hopeless, then the honorable thing for you would have been to simply divorce your husband.

I don't see your husband's reactions or words as proof that he doesn't care about you - ever heard of shock or delayed reaction? - but simply that he is facing the reality that the marriage was not good for him and your infidelity only cemented his belief.

I would recommend that you consider seeking professional counseling - I have and so have many others here have as well - to address and resolve your personal issues.


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## Dandri (Jul 14, 2011)

morituri said:


> Dandri while I do agree with you that a marriage is the responsibility of two people, the responsibility to have an affair falls squarely on the person that makes the choice to have it. In this case you.
> 
> If your marriage was that bad and hopeless, then the honorable thing for you would have been to simply divorce your husband.
> 
> ...




I can see where you are comming from with that reply however you would have to read my own thread in reguards to my personal matter - my post here was only to hopefully assist him and recomend the 180 method. As you were correct in reguards to suggesting that method for his situation.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hell ya it works!

And to help it along, I suggest you go to the market and get alot of empty boxes and bring them home for her to pack them with all her stuff.

Then cancel all the accounts that the both of you have.

She is in a fog...a fantasy if you will, the only way to bring her out is by showing her the reality of her recent statements/choices.

Its all fine and dandy to talk about moving on, but when the boxes are all over the house and there is no money...well then things seem to be a little different. Some times you have to force the reality of it all by doing these things instead of begging for a marriage.

Like you said since her last statements, she has some what changed her tune. Most likely he boyfriend told her to wait b/c he hadn't gotten rid of his wife and mostly won't.

Basicly she screwed up her exit plan and you fell for it with all the begging and pleading. Now her boyfriend isn't so ready and now she has to back peddle.

I get it ...I love my wife to, but don't cry for a marriage that is so problematic that your wife has stepped out on you. Fix it by changing your self, then once your good work on your marriage.

Who knows you might like what you see and move on with out her. I know crazy thought right now, but give a few month...you'll get it.


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