# Humiliating children vs discipline and techniques



## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Okay...I know some might be a little sick of me and my whining about parenting but I really need some outside input. PLEASE!

Quick background...teacher called us to meet. Daughter has made mean comments to two of her good friends and it's been on going. Mean to point the girls have been upset to where the parents are ones who complained. The first girl, I see her mom all the time. She was DD first good friends since we moved here through K5 and now 1st grade. Well, this year another new little is the class. Just so happens she lives across corn field from us. But, her and my DD good friend are also good friends. They just weren't in same class last year. So....anyway....it appears when either of them do not want to play by DD rules, DD get's mad. Or, when one doens't want to play game or walk track at recess, she says 'fine your not my friend'...and so on. The first good friend, I find out this all happend a about 2 months ago. The mom and I spoke and she said no hard feelings, they understand the jealousy, it's unfortunate they come from big family and there dd is use to beign around lots of kids. The second friend...parents havent spoke to us. 

Thing is, my DD wants to be just like them. Are top in class on stuff and my dd is very competitive (like her dad) and she strives hard to stay wtih them. Which in respect to school and grades I view as a good thing. She excells to learn. So, we made DD write a note to apologize. The teacher stated our DD is very proud. She hates anyone knowing she doesn't know something and gets very embarrassed and/or humilated if someoen points out she doesn't know or did wrong. It's very true! So she advised a letter. 

I spoke to counselor today, she said same. We have been on our DD all week (this happend Monday) and counselor said need to stop. Need to priase her more on things she does do that are good. Which I thought we always did but obvsiouly this week we have not. She said same as teacher about dd proud/humilated easily and if we keep on the what she did wrong aspect, she will never feel she does right and keep thinking its better this way.

So, I meet H and DD for dinner. He's not aware I spoke to counselor and I wasn't going to tell him until after DD went to bed. During dinner he says to DD I want you do to me favor. I got something in mail today. (back up...for getting 7 baskets at her last upward basketball game her told her he would get her an American Girl doll...she's been wanting one for a year now) This was over a week ago. Prior to mean girl incidents.

Okay....so he tells her "I got something in mail..but I want you to write book about friends, what you learned this week and what they mean to you. I want you to give it to your teacher, the two girls and me, then I will give you your doll. She immediately starts crying and hiding her face. Her responses start to sound kinda of snotty and the whole time I'm thinking...this is what counselor was talking about. She has a very strong willed temperment and it comes out more so when she feels embarrassed or humiliated. He went on about how she needs to show more respect over next week,write this book and then he will decide on giving doll.

Why couldn't he wait and discuss this with me first to know my thoughts? Obviously by my look he asks 'you don't agree'? I say the doll was for something that happend prior to this. And I tell him I spoke to counselor but did not feel this was time to discuss with dd. All I could think was....here he is doing what counselor said not to do. Humilate her. She knows it was wrong, and we need to praise her for good things quit focusing on bad.

And, now he uses a reward from another event as her punishment??? Is that right? I felt like it when we got separated before married "you move out show me you can make it on own, then I'll marry you!" (he told me that was his reasoning whenbreaking up, just admisted this a few months ago). What is that????

Just need advise on 1) Isn't hounding her for 7 days about her mean comments a bit much? 2) The reward for bb 2 weeks ago, that just so happen to arrive this week, is that proper 'punishment' for the mean comments? OH...and when I made statement about the doll being a reward for different event, he replies with "I said I would buy it...not give it to her" WTF???? REALLY??? Oh...7yr old girl, I'll buy you the doll you have been wanting for over year but I'm not gonna let you have it. Unbelieveable!

So.....and it's moments like this that in my head I instantly think.....this is why I feel I'd be happier on my own. She is constantly humilated and that is what counselor opened my eyes too. Not only that, it took over 7 yrs for her to act this way (and I take blame) but he thinks she should be 'fixed' in 5 days!

Sorry so long. Thank you for time reading.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I dont have kids so i obviously dont know much about these things, but I can understand why your H wouldnt want to give her the doll even though it was for something different. At the same time I think its strange to punish a child for disagreements between their friends. I would think that is between her and her friends. She will lose friends by acting that way and I would think that is enough punishment.

Maybe you could use this as a learning tool for her. It seems to me that she has a lot of anger and if you cover it up by simply praising her all the time, what's going to happen when someone else humiliates her? I guess i think she also needs to learn how to handle and talk about how she feels when she feels humiliated and maybe learn some techniques to handle that anger. You cannot control your H and there's no saying he wont stop parenting the way he thinks is necessary but you can follow the counselors advice and maybe use those moments when she feels humiliated as learning tools to help her manage her anger. If its not your H someone else will provoke her.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I do think he should have discussed it with you first. But, in regard to the doll itself. Yes, it was a reward promised from another instance, and it does, at first, sound cruel to say "we told you you could have this for doing X, but now that you did Y, you must do Z before you can have it." 

The thing is, though, kids sometimes make weird associations between things. While you, as an adult, have no trouble differentiating that the doll was for the other thing, and totally unrelated to her mean comments to her friends, she may not make the same distinction. It's not necessarily that she'll think she got a doll as a reward for being mean, but more that she could make the misguided connection that since she did something good that earned her the doll, it eliminates her mean comments to her friends. Kind of like if you punish your kid two weeks after they did something - they often don't remember what they did, so they don't understand why they're being punished. 

Also, consider too, that depending on how you parent, a future punishment for doing something she shouldn't might be taking away that doll. So, really this is the same thing, just done in a slightly different fashion, since she hadn't yet received the doll. 

But the "I'll consider giving you the doll if you do this stuff" part isn't right. The doll was promised. While I can see holding off on giving to her, it's not appropriate to take it away permanently. That is cruelty. 

I don't generally approve of humiliation as a proper punishment. I have, when my youngest son stole something from his teacher at school, made him return it, in person, admit to stealing it, and apologize. And yes, that was probably rather embarrassing for him. But the intention was not to humiliate him - it was to teach him that stealing is wrong, that he must accept responsibility and consequences for his actions, and that I wouldn't ignore his wrongdoings. The embarrassment was an unintended side effect, but I felt that the deed required severe consequences and that the embarrassment would, possibly (hopefully), be something else he would remember if he ever considered stealing something again. And he hasn't stolen since then. 

For mean comments, I would think an apology, whether verbal or written, to the people affected, would be enough. Yes, it will be a little embarrassing. But I think we can all acknowledge that we all get a little embarrassed when admitting we've done wrong, been wrong, or don't know something. It's human nature to feel that way. 

That's the other thing that you should address with her. She needs to understand that no one likes to admit they are wrong or don't know something, but that when that is the case, we do admit it. It's how we learn, it's how we make amends when we mess up. Help her to understand that being wrong or not knowing something is not a bad thing, so long as you can learn. As long as you can admit to being wrong or not knowing, and then learn from that, it's a very good thing. 

So sorry about the novel. Had a lot of thoughts to cover.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

In my opinion, you are trying to treat a systemic problem as if it were one small issue. You need a familial revamp from the ground up. You are mixed up ]on the role of punishment and confused enough that she can pretty much rule you at will. I remember this from when my eldest was smaller. We were in the same boat.

Have you given any thought to the suggested family counseling?


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> Have you given any thought to the suggested family counseling?


Yes. I was referred to a counselor that acutally counsels divorced families and children. I left them a message. No call back yet. Not sure if that is good or bad. Gonna give it one more day and call again.


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## so_sad (Nov 23, 2010)

I have a 14 year old son and in my opinion I wouldn't even do anything. Let the kids be kids and solve issues on their own. She will find out the hard way that you can't treat others like that.


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