# Walking on Eggshells



## RachelLaura (Dec 15, 2009)

I feel as if this is the way I am living my life right now- on eggshells. We have been married for 8 months, together for 3.5 years. I described some relationship problems my husband and I were having in other posts.

I am worried about our marriage. It has gotten to the point where I really do not feel much love towards my husband. He really is a nice and caring person, but right now all I see is his temper issues, anxiety, anal-retentiveness, impatience and anger. Often times, I feel like I am dealing with a child instead of a 30 year old man. I am not attracted to someone who constantly acts like a baby.

He does want to help himself, and made an appointment with the doctor and is on Paxil to help with the anxiety. He is also being tested for General Anxiety Disorder, and has been in anger management therapy in the past. He just can't handle normal situations without letting his anger get the best of him. Sometimes he realizes its a problem, but often times he justifies it and thinks the way he acts is not out of line. And it all weighs down on me. Often the behavior is directed at me, or its directed at random strangers and I feel embarrassed that my husband is acting this way.

Today we were waiting in line for passports, and we happened to be behind a family of 5. We were waiting for 45 minutes because their applications took a long time. Obviously, this was annoying, but just a fact of life. He has no tolerance or patience for waiting in lines. My husband was cursing, rolling his eyes, muttering under his breath about being stuck being such a large family (but loud enough for the family to hear) and told me he was going to blow his gasket. He had to walk to the back of the room several times with his fists clenched and his face red and full of anger, and I could tell it took all of his energy not to start yelling and throwing a fit in the middle of the room. It was really embarrassing, and its childish behavior. 

But he often doesnt see this type of behavior as a problem. I used to make comments about behavior like this- how he is being rude and it reflects on me. But I honestly stopped because it turned into a huge blow-up fight where he never listened to what I said. And now I just stand by him quietly and his childish behavior just eats me up inside, and I can't stand it.

I often dont know when he is going to blow up which is why I feel as if I am walking on eggshells. Many times, I end up crying. I am realllllllllllly sensitive. He tells me he hates to see me cry. But lately, things were happening so often, that he told me that he knows he has problems, but he thinks I am often being overly sensitive and cant take everything so personally.

I AM really sensitive, but I cant help it. And all of the little arguments add up. So I may cry over something stupid, like if he yells about a dish that isnt clean enough... but its not just the dish.Its all of these little things adding up. I have tried and tried over and over and over to explain this calmly and rationally to him, but in the end, he just thinks I'm getting sensitive about a dish. He is really not a rational person.

Any thoughts...........?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Is the Paxil doing any good? Lots of times it takes a little while to get the right adjustment on the medicine, might be a trial and error period if this medication has just been prescribed. Start writing down what is happening, so you can discuss this with his Doctor - if he will allow you to do this. 

He needs to allow you to help him in every way you can. 


I feel for your situation. This is all him. I hope you can learn to NOT take how he acts too personal, Easier said than done- I know! Us women are generally too sensitive to begin with! It is not just you. But the REALITY is, regardless of how you feel >>> He is the one that needs the HELP. 

Probably until he gets a handle on himself and can act responsibily, and give you the things you need in your marraige, like kindness, love & respect, you are going to struggle with feeling attraction & gaining that love "feeling" back. 

Right now, you will just have to CHOOSE to love, act in his best interest, hang in there, hoping that the meds may help him with coping from day to day stresses. Are their other friends, family that he can spend time with, important for him to hang with good role models. 

Does his anger issues cause havoc on the job , in his workplace? Has something that happened just recently brought on this in a more severe way , or was he like this before you married also?


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## RachelLaura (Dec 15, 2009)

Thanks for the response. The Paxil may be helping a LITTLE bit but not much. He just started a few weeks ago.

No, this is not new. He was like this before we got married. He said it used to be worse and my calming presence often helps him. I cant even imagine what he was like before. His parents and friends also told me he has improved since being with me. But I think his behavior is still unacceptable.

In the beginning, I think he suppressed it a lot because we were so in love. The behavior started coming out gradually. I knew what I was getting into before we were married, and I prob should have tried to resolve this with him beforehand. But I thought that since we loved eachother I could deal with it. Probably being too idealistic.

He is verrrrry responsible, so I think he is fine at his workplace. He tells me he often gets irritated with people at the office, and has had some small tiffs, but I think he is able to control his anger at work. I think thats also a problem.. that he bottles up anger from the day at the office and brings it home, and it gets released on me.

He probably senses me pulling back a little bit, which may add to his stress. I know I have to show him love for his sake.... but some days when all I see are tantrums, its hard to muster up attraction.

Thanks again for your response, and Im glad you think there is hope.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The passport behavior was a disgrace. If you get MC the therapist will ask him a question. It is 10 years from now - the two of you and YOUR 3 kids are in line getting passports - the man behind you is CURSING and your CHILDREN can hear him complaining about how long it is taking. Bet he wants to punch that guys lights out - oh wait he IS that guy. 






RachelLaura said:


> Thanks for the response. The Paxil may be helping a LITTLE bit but not much. He just started a few weeks ago.
> 
> No, this is not new. He was like this before we got married. He said it used to be worse and my calming presence often helps him. I cant even imagine what he was like before. His parents and friends also told me he has improved since being with me. But I think his behavior is still unacceptable.
> 
> ...


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

You could be describing me several years back. I was the SAME way as your husband. Quick temper, no patience and disruptive and embarrassing in public due to my lack of self control. Like your husband, I could control myself in certain situations for a limited time but when I got under stress, I'd lose it. I would've acted the SAME way as your husband did at the passport office. It stinks for not just him but anyone close to him. I will say that your husband probably won't be able to control it without a combination of the CORRECT medication and therapy. 

Notice I say "correct". I haven't heard much good about Paxil and just because he's on meds doesn't mean they will work. Just because they work for someone else doesn't mean they'll work for him. 

This is quote from another post I replied to a few days ago describing my situation..



> I've always been rather erratic emotionally. Sometimes I was fine and sometimes not. How I felt really depended on the situation. Looking back to even my childhood I had problems but it really started to come to the surface in my 20s and when I had kids in my 30s it exploded. My marriage was also tanking, probably because of my mental instability but there were other factors as well.
> 
> In any case, at first I went to my family doctor and she gave me some pills and they didn't work. Then I went to a psychiatrist and he gave me some pills and they didn't work. I went to a therapist and they didn't see a suicidal, depressed person. I came off as a rather cheery, outgoing outwardly "normal" person who had a few issues so no one really took me very seriously. The fact that everyone is our present day society has "issues" and is looking for some magic pill doesn't help because those of us who really do have problems tend to get glossed over.
> 
> ...


In any case, this is what your husband is very well up against. He should be seen by a psychiatrist, not your family practitioner. He may have to be seen by a few doctors. He may very well have more than just "anxiety". I was diagnosed as Bi-polar with anxiety mixed in. I take two different types of meds. Some meds take a few weeks to kick because they have to build up in the bloodstream to get the full effect so you will have to be patient but others will have an immediate effect. Your doctor should be able to fill you in on this. 

It doesn't sound like the Paxil is working for him. If it was he wouldn't be acting the way he is. He should be feeling somewhat calmer and less angry and he's failed or there is something wrong if the meds don't work. It's very common. We had my son on three different medications before we found the right one for him (He has ADHD and anxiety disorder). 

Your husband is not just anxious, he's angry and it sounds like he's all over the place with his moods. Plus he's like a loaded gun with little self control. I'm quite aware of what he's feeling because, basically..that was me. I'd hear or experience something I didn't like and would just "go off". Do I still get angry now? Sure, but it takes a LOT longer for me to do "lose it". If I'm stressed it will happen sooner but usually I'm pretty much "ok". In fact, sometimes I'm calmer than my husband (which drives him nuts ). 

In any case, sorry for the long post but be patient and stick by him and don't give up. If you aren't seeing any progress with the doctor, therapist, meds, etc, etc he's on now then KEEP SEARCHING until you get the right combination. one day your husband will look back and it'll all seem like a bad dream..hopefully.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> The passport behavior was a disgrace. If you get MC the therapist will ask him a question. It is 10 years from now - the two of you and YOUR 3 kids are in line getting passports - the man behind you is CURSING and your CHILDREN can hear him complaining about how long it is taking. Bet he wants to punch that guys lights out - oh wait he IS that guy.


Yeah, uh..that attitude will get everyone nowhere fast.  Chances are her husband has heard it all his life and he knows damn well what a jerk he was and feels horrible. Lecturing him and giving him guilt trips aren't the answer and he should walk out on any therapist that deals with him in such a manner. He needs therapy to understand and deal with his feelings in COMBINATION with the proper medication.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I understand that people have mental health issues and am not unsympathetic. I also believe that adults have a responsibility to make the effort to manage their behavior around children. This was NOT a psychotic break, it was a stressful situation. Decent problem solving behavior is to say - wife - I am going to sit in the car/wait outside - please call me when they are ready for us - I will be cursing - just not in front of these kids. 

FOAL - This is called "managing your issues" and it is a choice. 

If he has a job - he is capable of controlling his behavior where MONEY is involved - so clearly when he NEEDS to he can control himself. 




Freak On a Leash said:


> Yeah, uh..that attitude will get everyone nowhere fast.  Chances are her husband has heard it all his life and he knows damn well what a jerk he was and feels horrible. Lecturing him and giving him guilt trips aren't the answer and he should walk out on any therapist that deals with him in such a manner. He needs therapy to understand and deal with his feelings in COMBINATION with the proper medication.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> I understand that people have mental health issues and am not unsympathetic. I also believe that adults have a responsibility to make the effort to manage their behavior around children. This was NOT a psychotic break, it was a stressful situation. Decent problem solving behavior is to say - wife - I am going to sit in the car/wait outside - please call me when they are ready for us - I will be cursing - just not in front of these kids.
> 
> FOAL - This is called "managing your issues" and it is a choice.
> 
> If he has a job - he is capable of controlling his behavior where MONEY is involved - so clearly when he NEEDS to he can control himself.


It's real easy for someone who is so called "normal" to sit back and say that. Plus, what you say makes perfect sense when it pertain to a normal, mentally balanced individual. But this man could very well (and it sounds like he does) have a chemical imbalance in his brain that makes it VERY difficult for him to deal with certain situations. It's not an excuse, it's reality. It's not a psychotic "break", it's as real an ailment as a heart condition or diabetes and it needs to be TREATED. 

In a familiar situation where he can sit and reason with himself and think clearly (such as his normal work environment) doing familiar routines and dealing with people he knows he may indeed cope. But when sudden stresses, changes or irritating situations happen then all bets are off. It might be being held up in a long line or having a waiter bring him a burger that's overcooked. It usually is something that's unforeseen and that the person feels he can't control or "fix" so that causes the stress and an outburst. 

YES I agree 100%..He shouldn't be cursing in front of children or pitching a fit. He should go outside and sit in his car and cool down so why the heck doesn't he? The whole thing stinks, it's not acceptable and there's no excuse. Been there, done that.

Once upon a time I would've acted like he did..like a complete asshat. Nowadays I'd say to my spouse "I can't deal with this crap so I'm going to take a walk. Please call me on the cell phone when you need me" or more likely brought a book to read to pass the time (I always have a book or my IPod for situations like this). So what has changed? Well it wasn't anyone telling me to "manage myself" or using cute phrases. It was proper treatment and it took years to fix, not a few weeks. Fact is, the guy knows he's got a problem and is trying to take steps to deal with it but it not easily solved.

Telling him he has "choices" and needs to "act like an adult" and "manage himself" is all very well and good and SOUNDS easy in theory but reality is a different situation. This is a person who is akin to a gun without a safety on. By the time he realizes he's screwed up the damage is done and "counting to ten" and "taking deep breaths" ain't gonna cut it. 

How do I know? Well, I KNOW because I was that person and I heard it all, very day, all the time for 40 years of my life. I'm not making excuses for myself or the OP's husband, I'm stating the situation. 

It's time to get real and get this guy some real help and stop the lectures and platitudes. Trust me, he's heard it before and it WILL NOT FIX ANYTHING.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Rachel, I agree with your suspicion that "the root of this problem is simply his personality," which you already know you cannot change. The type of PD your H likely has is called BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Whether it rises to the diagnostic level can only be determined by a psychologist. At this point, however, you don't need to know if it is that severe because, even when the traits fall short of the diagnostic level, they can make a relationship toxic, as yours appears to be. 

At issue, then, is whether he exhibits a strong pattern of BPD traits, regardless of whether they rise to the diagnostic level. I therefore will tell you a little about BPD and, if it rings a bell in your head, you will surely want to read more. So, at the end, I will suggest a couple of excellent websites to start with.


> I often don't know when he is going to blow up which is why I feel as if I am walking on eggshells.


The classic book on BPD is titled "Stop Walking on Eggshells." Non-BPD spouses have that feeling because they never know what small comment or action or tone of voice will trigger an outburst of rage, which typically lasts 5 hours (only rarely as long as 36 hours). BPD is characterized by mood instability and poor self-image. People with this disorder are prone to bouts of anger and many of them will take their anger out on themselves, causing injury to their own body. 

Fortunately, your H is not inward focused like that. He appears to be outward directed, which means he takes it out on people closest to him. That is a good thing in the sense that it is much healthier for him than being inward directed, which is very self destructive. BPDers (i.e., those with strong traits of it) are quick to anger when their expectations are not met.


> I feel like I am dealing with a child instead of a 30 year old man.


Yes, you probably are. A four-year-old child, actually. Your H's emotional development likely was stunted at that age, becoming frozen. He therefore did not move on to learn the more mature ways of defending himself emotionally. Instead, he is stuck with the childish defenses we all used when we were three or four: magical thinking, splitting (i.e., dissociation), and black-white thinking. 

It is not known for certain why this occurs. Recent studies suggest, however, that 70% of cases are caused by abuse (or an emotionally unavailable parent) in early childhood combined, perhaps, with an inherited (yet unidentified) gene that makes it more likely. The gene alone apparently can cause it because 30% of the cases reported no instances of abuse or neglect.

For whatever reason, your husband likely experienced sustained trauma at age 3 or 4 that caused him to fiercely rely on his childhood emotional defenses to survive, and he was afraid to let go of them long enough to develop more sophisticated ways of dealing with stress (e.g., self-soothing). Well, that is the theory, anyway. 

The result is that your H likely never learned to regulate his emotions as well as the rest of us. But he does do it better than the people most seriously impaired by BPD. That is why he is so high functioning that he can hold a job and have lots of casual friends, who likely regard him as a wonderful person. With BPD, the typical behavior is that of a person who is compassionate and generous with total strangers and casual friends -- but who goes home to be verbally, if not physically, abusive to his loved ones. Your H's behavior departs from that to the extent that he occasionally expresses rage to the total strangers too. 

Because he cannot regulate his emotions well, he likely experiences intense emotional tides several times a day. Whenever his feelings are that intense -- and this occurs often -- those feelings constitute his reality. To him, the feelings are essentially facts. That is why it is pointless to try to reason with him during those times. As you observe, "he is really not a rational person." We are all that way when we are experiencing intense emotions or are suddenly startled. For example, when you look up from the crosswalk to suddenly see a truck bearing down on you, your brain immediately switches into childish thinking mode wherein you are capable only of black-white thinking, i.e., jump left or jump right. No gray areas and no analysis are allowed. (Continued in my next post below.)


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

When you are in that state of mind, you do "splitting" wherein you disconnect the logical adult from your conscious mind, leaving only the inner child in touch with consciousness. That is, your child takes over. Don't be surprised. You do it several times a week. Do you remember the time you headed into the kitchen and, on opening the refrigerator door, suddenly realized that you had no idea what you had gone there to get? And do you remember the time you were driving alone and suddenly realized you cannot recall seeing anything for the past five miles, not even the two busy intersections you know you had to have driven through? 

That was Rachel doing splitting. The conscious part of your mind was doing the pleasant daydreaming while the subconscious was walking you to the kitchen and driving you through intersections. Well, you H likely does that far more frequently, which is why he sometimes will not remember an event that is so fresh in your memory. It likely also explains why he sometimes has trouble staying focused and "in the moment." 

Hence, when you H is experiencing intense feelings, he is unable to give you access to his adult. Instead, the best he can do is to have you speak directly with his child, which in his case is about age four. A healthier person, like yourself, usually can do a little bit better than that. When you are extremely angry, you likely can maintain a very weak connection to your adult -- just barely enough to keep your mouth shut, or your fingers off the keys, until your 9-year-old child has time to cool down.


> He is constantly nitpicking on the way I do things, yet, he doesn't lift a finger to help.


During early childhood, he likely felt terrified by everything being completely out of his control during the trauma mentioned above. The result is that, as an adult, he becomes uncomfortable -- sometimes fearful -- when not in control of everything. His being very controlling, then, does not mean he is trying to harass or harm you. Rather, it is hard for him to be otherwise. Nor does it imply he is being manipulative. Because BPDers do not regulate emotions well, they are impulsive and thus are reactive to whatever is happening at the moment. Hence, if he tries to be manipulative (which requires planning, scheming, and flawless execution), you likely will find that he is terrible at it.

I am not surprised to hear that your H "leaves his mail and papers scattered EVERYWHERE." My BPD exW is the same way. She frequently made an awful mess and rarely cleaned it up. And, to make it much worse, BPDers love to collect things, particularly things representing the happy childhood they did not have (many collect stuffed toy animals, for example). With my exW, collecting thousands of dollars of sewing machines and bolts of fabric helped buttress her weak self-image with an identity of being a person who sews -- never mind that she only sewed four or five things in 15 years. When a BPDer says he has a hobby, it usually means he is a collector -- not a doer.


> He is on Paxil to help with the anxiety.


Based on what I've read, I understand that medications may help with the sadness and anxiety but do not seem to have a strong effect on other symptoms of the disorder (e.g., anger, impulsivity). They nonetheless appear to help with those other symptoms to some extent. But no medication can cure BPD. Indeed, there is no cure at this time. If he has strong BPD traits, what is needed to improve your marriage is for him to be self-aware enough to know he has it (if diagnosed as such) and be firmly committed to working for years in therapy to learn methods of regulating his emotions.

Sadly, that is not a likely outcome. Certainly, it was not for my wife so we divorced about three years ago. As to the odds, therapist Shari Schreiber says you will have a better chance flying to the moon strapped to a banana than you will getting a BPDer to stay in therapy long enough to make a difference. Even if they stay in therapy, that is no guarantee that they will actually work hard. I spent over $200,000 taking my exW to six different psychologists on a weekly basis for 15 years, all to no avail.



> But he often doesn't see this type of behavior as a problem .... He thinks I am often being overly sensitive....


If he has strong BPD traits, he suffers from low self-esteem and an unstable sense of who he really is, to the point that he may not know this week what he will like two weeks from now. That is why he may buy things and start hobbies and then lose all interest in them within two weeks. 

Because he does not like himself and is unsure who he is, the last thing he wants to hear is that he has one more mistake or flaw to add to the long list of things he hates about himself. It does not matter that the flaw or mistake is tiny or negligible. He does not want it added to his list because he already dislikes himself too much. This likely explains why you often find him arguing "...about the dumbest little things that I don't even care to argue about." He escapes the added self-scorn by projecting all his flaws onto you, which is why he probably claims that you are very controlling. Significantly, projection works as a stress reducer because it occurs at a subconscious level, which means he does not realize he is doing the projection. Stated differently, he likely really believes that you are controlling and is not saying it to just be mean.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> I don't understand why he chooses to be like this.


He doesn't choose to suffer 24/7 from a disorder that is so pernicious that it likely makes him terrified of even realizing he has it. Making that choice is not his problem. Rather, it is his choosing to remain a victim for his entire life. He makes that choice minute by minute because, at any time during any argument, he could choose to take responsibility for his own actions, to acknowledge his mistakes, and to start healing himself by finding a therapist highly skilled in treating BPD. He chooses not to do so because "being a victim" is likely the closest thing to an identity that he has and, absent any clear replacement, he is afraid to let it go. Moreover, he is afraid to admit to mistakes, as explained above.


> It's almost seeming to me like a respect issue.


Almost? ALMOST? Of course, it's a respect issue! If you had healthy strong personal boundaries, you would never have permitted this verbal abuse to go on for so long. Please don't think I am being judgmental. I'm just trying to be helpful because, after all, I was much worse in this regard than you. A therapist who has treated numerous BPD couples states that a BPD relationship typically last 18 months or 15 years. It lasts 18 months, he explains, when the non-BPD partner has strong personal boundaries. In that case, the partner enjoys the wonderfully passionate 6-month honeymoon period and then, after the infatuation wanes and anger starts showing itself, she spends up to a year trying to reestablish the conditions of the honeymoon. Then she bails. 

It lasts 15 years, he explains, when the partner has weak personal boundaries and becomes enmeshed in the other person's feelings, i.e., not knowing where her feelings leave off and his feelings begin. The result is that the partner never walks away. Instead, the BPDer is the one that ends the relationship because he grows increasingly resentful each year at the partner's inability to fix him or make him happy. All of this struck a strong chord with me because my exW ended our marriage after 15 years. 

It takes two people to form and maintain a relationship that is toxic to both of them. As noted above, healthy people likely will not do this for more than 18 months. I mention this so you realize that the toxicity is not something he is doing to you. Rather, it is something you are inflicting on each other. He is hurting you with the abusive remarks and controlling behavior. That is his contribution to the toxicity. Yours is the enabling behavior that allows him to go year after year while avoiding having to confront his illness and fix it. Your role, of being the soothing object, enables him to avoid having to learn what the rest of us learned in early childhood -- how to do self soothing. 

I am highlighting your damaging role in the relationship so you realize that you really are the one in control -- the one whose willingness to become something you are not (i.e., walking on eggshells instead of acting yourself) is what holds the marriage together. That is an empowering thought. It means that you can end the pain at any time. It means you can establish some strong boundaries -- conditions which must be met if you are to remain in the marriage (e.g., his strong commitment to therapy).

Rachel, if what I have described above sounds like your H's behavior, I suggest you read more to decide if it is something you wish to discuss further with a therapist. A good place to start is BPDfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm. It is the best concise description of what a relationship is like with a person who has high functioning BPD traits. Please take care.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

This is all very interesting and enlightening and well written as well. Rachel's husband could indeed have this BFD..Or it could be something else. It seems that many mental/psychotic disorders share the same symptoms. Before jumping to conclusions and heading off willy nilly with one theory it's best to take a broader view and try and determine EXACTLY what is wrong before embarking on a journey to try and cure it. 

In other words, don't assume anything. Find out for sure by seeing not only a therapist or psychologist but a MEDICAL doctor that specializes in mental disorders. This is a psychiatrist and it's NOT The same. You need to look into several things, not just one. 

It sounds like I myself could've had this BFD. Heck, it sounds a LOT like I was once upon a time. Oh, I can also have had ADHD. Or classic depression. Certainly I fit these profiles in many ways. But guess what? I AM better today and it's due to the right medication and therapy combined and well, I guess I don't have BFD since that can't be cured or treated effectively. But if I'd written down all my problems/symptoms 10 years ago I might've gotten the same response as the one above. 

A month ago I was plagued with headaches and nausea and weariness. This wasn't a few days but over the course of a month. I would be fine when I was out at work but I'd come home and within a few hours I'd be feeling crappy and nauseous. 

I thought it might have to do with the onset of menopause or that it was hormonal and I was getting migraines (I'd had them in the past when on birth control). A few people said it sounded like I was pregnant (I've had surgery to prevent this, so unlikely). 

I went to the doctor and she thought it might be hormonal and sent me for blood tests. Then our oil heater started smoking and the repair guy came to fix it and said that it was spewing forth all sorts of toxic fumes into the house and thought my symptoms might be linked to this. He fixed the furnace and guess what? No more nausea and headaches! 

So yeah, my symptoms could've been anyone of a number of things. But it was the furnace!

Rachel, don't assume your husband has any one thing... go find out for sure.


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## RachelLaura (Dec 15, 2009)

Thank you so much for all of the thoughtful and informative responses. I have so much to write back in response to everyone. But another situation just arose where I am extremely upset, and I need to get it off my chest. 

We hosted our friends over for dinner last night and it was such a wonderful night. Our good friend, M, was sitting in our recliner and kept leaning against the wall and made a few scratches by accident. My husband nicely asked her to move last night and it wasn't a big deal. She wrote us a very kind thank you email this evening for hosting them, and see how my husband responded....................

Email from our friend:
Thank you for hosting a great dinner - it finally felt like we ate decent this week! Sorry for the scratch on the wall, but i would suggest reocating your reciner  We had a great time, can't wait to do it again. See you next Saturday.

Email from my husband:
Recliner has been there for over a year with no issues. I told u to be careful, the fact of the matter was that you were not

I told him that this reaction was rude and that I dont understand why he had to respond to a nice email like that. He disagreed and thinks it was justified because he asked her to be careful, and she wasnt. This type of thing has happened often. He is so quick to blame and lay on the guilt with everyone.

And here is where I am at a complete loss. No kind of anxiety medicine will help this situation, right?? Can therapy help this?? He abo****ely thinks the wasn't a big deal, whereas I cannot stand it. He is so quick to blame people and jump down people's throats. It's his personality. 

And that is what really worries me about my marriage. I am the type of person to really cultivate my friendships and relationships with people. To treat people with the utmost respect. And my husband is the exact opposite- brash and rude. (He can turn around the next minute however and turn on the charm and be really nice. That's why he's kept a bunch of friends around. But I am pretty sure a lot of former friends were fed up.) I want to have all of our friends stick around until old age, but my husband could very well jeopardize that. Who wants a friendship to be a burden?

Am I an enabler in this type of situation? How can I approach this? I know that one poster told me I am an enabler to let his behavior go on for so long and to respond by walking on eggshells. And I couldnt agree 100% more. I am a much more quiet, soft, passive personality and I can see that this is partially my doing in not setting boundaries. He needs therapy for his anger, but how about his personality??? I dont really see this as anger, so much as it is just rude, unnecessary and vindictive personality traits. Am I just doomed..............???


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## RachelLaura (Dec 15, 2009)

I also just wanted to respond to the poster who suggested my husband may have BPD. I looked up the disorder and though it is possible he has it, I'm not sure. We can really only figure it out by seeing a psychiatrist.

He didn't have any of the abandonment issues as a child, in fact, quite the opposite. He has an extremely solid and supportive family. If anything, I think his temper may be genetic, because his father has a bit of a temper. Although, it does not seem nearly as bad as my husband's. My sister-in-law saw one of my husband's freak-outs this summer and told me their father is certainly not as extreme. 

I sometimes wonder if his family enabled the temper tantrums and they just continued into adulthood? I've often seen him be brash with his mother, and she kind of turns the other way and tells him to talk to her later. I don't know if he ever suffered consequences. He is the ultimate "momma's boy", and they are very close- they talk daily, and he is constantly asking her for advice. He actually told me he had major problems with his parents trying to make decisions for him, up until his mid-20's. He confronted them about it, and now they are laying off. 

My husband is outgoing and can be charming. That is why I was initially attracted to him. He is extremely loyal and trustworthy, to the point where he gets upset with people for not giving him their loyalty in return. When he has a big freak-out, it usually lasts for a short time, and he often recognizes he was wrong and apologizes. 

It's more with little nitpicky things where is always thinks he is right and doesnt realize he is negative and hurtful. He is incredibly quick to blame and give guilt trips. I am constantly being blamed for things and being made to feel guilty. And his impatience is unlike anything I've ever seen. I am an elementatry school teacher and most of the kids have more patience than my husband. I am constantly feeling rushed by him- in our daily routines, and in life- he is ready to have kids after 8 months of marriage. 

I think his personality comes out the most in the car- his road rage is ridiculous and sometimes scary. He does not have any of the other impulses though mentioned in BPD disorder- like spending, sex, substance abuse, etc. He also is not suicidal, I am very sure of that. Or have self-image problems- he is generally pretty sure of himself. The one BPD symptom that stuck out was the innappropraite, instense anger.

I am the opposite, a very calm soul and I just want everyone to get along. I hate all of the arguing and anger. And yes, I am passive, and tolerant of bad behavior. I have been walked on a lot in the past, so this is not new to me. I just want my husband and I to be partners. So often, things are a competition to him, and we are not a team. But when I am constantly being blamed, even for the most minor things, I have to defend myself. So this makes it me vs. him. 

Thanks again for reading. Not sure if my thoughts were coherent, just laying it all out there.....


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

If I haven't said this already, I'll say it now: the first rule in *How To Win Friend and Influence People* is "Never criticize, condemn, or complain." Maybe your husband should read the book, twice.

Or maybe copy all the rules down on notebook paper once a day for six months.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

First, there are things you can do while his issue is being sorted out. Why stand in line with him (just to use your example)? Insist he find somewhere else to wait and also insist he prepare for wait-time: bring a book, a hand-held game, anything he will find distracting. He should always have it on his person.

Do not ride in the car with him. If you are both going somewhere together, you drive him or drive separately. If anyone ever says anything, you simply respond "It was more convenient this way." Yep, more convenient to your sanity. 

By setting boundaries and insisting he observe them (and you can walk out of a room, a house, drive away, whatever if he doesn't), you stand up for yourself and send a clear message that you have limits.

You have a choice about staying with him as he works through this and it sounds like you want to do that; great. With proper treatment, he may come out the very healthy, happy person FOAL seems to be. Mental illness is often very treatable. And don't right off such behaviors as simply "the way it is" in his family unless you find nothing works. Because he wants to change, I suspect his behavior makes him miserable, too, and it really isn't a "choice." BUT you don't have to sit around and watch him rage. You get to make choices, and he can call your cell when he's gotten the rage out of his system.

Does he exercise? Jogging is an excellent stress reducer and something he could start while looking for the right meds/therapist.

For the record, I adore Paxil. My anxiety issues are completely resolved on it. It may not be the med for him, but it can work wonders for certain people. Please don't knock a med just b/c it didn't work for you (I can't remember who did; just a general statement).


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

RachelLaura said:


> And here is where I am at a complete loss. No kind of anxiety medicine will help this situation, right?? Can therapy help this?? He abo****ely thinks the wasn't a big deal, whereas I cannot stand it. He is so quick to blame people and jump down people's throats. It's his personality.


Your husband is like a loaded gun with the safety off. He reacts before he thinks. What the right kind of medication will do is tame this "trigger happy" response he tends to. He'll actually stop and think. He'll probably be calmer and happier, therefore less angry and prone to jumping down everyone's throat. 

Trust me, this CAN be cured with the proper medication and ongoing therapy. A good diet and exercise should be done as well, as exercise is very therapeutic and the right diet makes a world of difference. He can read books and articles to gain a greater understanding of what he's facing but fact is, that's not going to cut it. This sort of things is a PHYSICAL ailment just like diabetes and has to be treated as such. It's amazing how people don't want to accept that fact when it comes to mental illness. 

I didn't mean to say that Paxil is bad but it may not be good for your husband. This is the case with any medication. What works well for one person may not work for another and have an adverse/negative reaction in still another.

My son has ADHD and was given Ritalin. For some, Ritalin is a magical drug that did great things for their children. It made my son's condition worse, much worse. We had to go through several medications before he got on the right one. Same thing with myself. Your anecdotes tell me that the Paxil is having little or no effect. You really want to talk to your doctor and I'm talking about a PSYCHIATRIST, not the family practitioner.

In any case, reading about your husband is like looking in the mirror at myself 10 years ago. Bad temper, inappropriate, trigger happy response to seemingly mundane situations. Blaming everyone but myself for everything that went wrong or was perceived to be wrong. Having unrealistic expectations with regards to loyalty and friendship. Getting angry WAY out of proportion to the situation (ie: road rage).

I lost a lot of friends over the years due to this sort of thing. Like your husband, I can be rather charming (so I'm told) but I was like a smoldering volcano at times as well. You'd never know when I was going to blow. No one wants to live or deal with the equivalent of Mount Vesuvius. Eventually someone would do or say something that I'd find insulting or threatening and I'd declare war and alienate that person or group. It was only a matter of time. 

I once went nuts on a guy because he was sitting in the back seat of my convertible. He put a briefcase behind the seat and put the tiniest scratch in the rear window. Nowadays I KNOW I wouldn't care. In fact, last month I scratched the window on my Jeep with my skis in much the same manner and just shrugged and said "Glad I didn't rip it". 

I will say that when it happened I could feel that old anxiety stirring in me but I was able to reach down and squash it. I went from being a person who would go off on people for touching or leaning up against my car to saying/doing nothing when my Jeep club's trail leader put their notepad on my newly painted hood to write something down. I'm not going to say it didn't bother me but I was able to hold myself back. This transformation CAN happen with your husband but it's going to take effective treatment, time and patience. 

I had the equivalent of your situation with the wall when my brother-in-law came and watched our kids a year or so ago. He taped something to the wall and took a chunk of paint of. He apologized. Once I might've said something smart-alecky or nasty but instead I said "Nothing some paint won't fix". I mean, the guy was doing us a big favor watching the kids so is it appropriate to go off on him? Several years earlier I wouldn't have cared and would've blamed him for being careless and inconsiderate. My point is, there IS hope for your husband but it's taken him years to get this point and it'll take quite awhile to be effectively treated

In the meantime, as Sisters pointed out, you still need to establish boundaries and anticipate when a situation could become bad and deal with it. For instance, with my ADHD son we NEVER go to a restaurant or a place where he'll be waiting around doing nothing without bringing something to keep him occupied and if I know I'm going to be waiting at a restaurant or a doctor's office I always bring a book or my IPod. 

You need to communicate calmly to your husband about your feelings and enforce the boundaries you set. If he blows up or gets crazy then walk out of the room. If it looks like he's going to throw a fit then quietly suggest he take it outside and if you have to, leave with him and escort him to someplace where he can vent privately. In his rage and anger, he WILL do and say anything to get a response to you so try and remain cool. Your job will be to remain and calm and unflustered as you can in these situations. 

My advice: DO NOT have kids until this all resolved to your satisfaction. One of my greatest regrets was that my children had to suffer through some awful things as a result of my illness. It's one thing for adults to deal with this situation because they know what they are dealing with, quite another thing for a child. We were lucky because my husband stepped in and did a great job in taking up the slack for me in those bad years. I have a great relationship with my kids and I have my husband to thank for it because he reduced so much of the stress of raising for me by basically being both father and mother for quite awhile. 


With your husband, this could be a mix of nature and nurture. Could be he had a demanding/and or explosive personality as a child and if his parents didn't grab the bull by the horns and establish boundaries and enforce them but let him act out constantly then his bad behavior would become reinforced and his outburst more numerous over the years. 

My son would be a horror (as are many of the kids in his special needs class and school) if he had more submissive parents but we were very careful to establish rules and boundaries and enforce them with him. He learned growing up that there was a right way and a wrong way to act and right would be rewarded and wrong punished. Your husband is going to have to learn this all now, as an adult and it won't be easy. 

Think of him physically as a radio with the volume turned all the way up. Everything is loud and exaggerated inside his psyche and in his world. The smallest things that most people don't think or care about are blown WAY OUT of proportion by him. Basically he needs to have his volume turned down. That's what medication does. His overall personality should remain the same and it's not to say that he'll never get angry or act badly again but the number of times and the severity of the outbursts should be less, given the proper treatment. 

Therapy should help him sort things out emotionally and things like diet and exercise will help him feel better both mentally and physically as well. It's a multi-pronged treatment. Just one thing won't fix everything. 

It's like when you tune up a car. It's not enough just to change the oil without the filter or to change the spark plugs and not touch the ignition wires. Your husband needs to undergo a variety of activities to take this head on. 

You yourself should think about embarking in therapy as well so you can better learn to deal with both him and your feelings about him. You are getting stressed as well as a result of his illness so you need to get help as well so there won't be anger and resentment built up on your end as well. 

Sorry for the really long post, but I think if you love this man and are willing to work with him and stick by him (much as my husband did with me) you can and will have a great marriage and one day have a wonderful family as well. It just takes time, persistance, commitment and a LOT of patience.


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## RachelLaura (Dec 15, 2009)

Freak on a Leash- thank you. Its really great to be able to read from someone who has been in my husband's shoes and who has worked their way through it. I really can't tell you how much hope it gives me. It is so hard for me to relate to my husband, because I am so opposite in this respect, and so so calm. Little things rarely bother me.

I do love my husband, but when these situations keep happening, my resentment grows, I respect him a lot less, I am wayyyy less attracted to him, and I am extremely stressed about my marriage. I am sure that in some way, he can sense my feelings, and it probably stresses HIM out, and we are having these cyclical problems.

He recognizes that he needs help with his anxiety, the big-time blow-ups and road rage, which is why he is currently on the Paxil. He has been to anger management in the past and knows it has been a problem. But at the moment, I really really dont think he sees any problem with his innappropriate and overexaggerated responses to minor occurences. I think he doesnt see these occurences so much as anger, because he often is not yelling, but doesnt realize he is still acting innappropriately. From our experience, I really think he believes he is justified and thinks something like scratching the paint off the wall isn't minor.

My question to you is this... should I try to have a calm discussion with him about his reaction to these minor things? I have tried to do this in passing, and it obviously hasn't worked. I have discussed his often negative outlook with him, only to be told he is just "realistic" and not negative. Or should I just immediately ask him to seek therapy for the sake of our marriage and trust that with the right meds and therapy will help? Also, do you suggest we go to couples therapy or do this separately??

Also, as a naturally calm person, I do not get overheated easily. But often when I feel as if I am being blamed, criticized and yelled at for everything under the sun, its hard to sit back and take it. Often times I get involved in the yelling and just want to defend my intentions. I hate it. I think I will actively try to stay more calm and walk out of the room when this happens..... although its just so hard sometimes......

You know, its also a huge shame- we just joined a gym, and I could tell it was having a good effect on my husband. I am in the process of trying to changes careers/start-up something on the side while still working full-time, and as that is a top priority in my own life right now, I simply dont have time for the gym. I keep pushing him to go back, but he doesnt have as much motivation without me going too.

He is really excited about having kids, and thinks that they will actually HELP with his stress. He is actually pretty nurturing, and is an amazing caretaker of our dog. But I dont think he fully realizes what parenthood involves, at all. I know the stresses will multiply and it already scares me to think about children in the picture. I am certainly not planning on having children without these issues worked out.....


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> I looked up the disorder and though it is possible he has it, I'm not sure. We can really only figure it out by seeing a psychiatrist.


Rachel, neither of us is qualified to determine if he has BPD traits so severe that they would be diagnosed as BPD. For that determination to be made, a psychologist would have to find at least 5 of the 9 BPD traits to be strong. The reason I have been suggesting that you learn to identify BPD traits is that the behavior you describe sounds like strong traits of a personality disorder (PD) and they seem closest to BPD, which would explain the rages, abusive comments, impulsiveness, irrational arguments, and immature behavior. 


My objective here is to explain that such behavior is sufficiently severe that you need to speak with a psychologist as soon as possible to find out what you are dealing with. If your H does have strong aspects of a PD, they will only get worse unless treated -- and treatment does not mean just swallowing a pill. Rather, it likely would entail several years of cognitive-behavioral therapy or DBT. Moreover, treatment does not cure the disorder but, instead, teaches the person how to manage it. 


Most people with a PD do not fall squarely within one of the nine PDs. Instead, they fall somewhere on a continuum between two PDs. Most BPD sufferers, for example, have traits of at least one other disorder. This occurs because BPD is unique in that its traits constitute an overlapping of several other PDs -- which is why BPD has 9 such traits. 


I suggest you start with a good psychologist because they do far more therapy than a psychiatrist and thus are better positioned to render a diagnosis of PDs. The psychologist likely will refer you to a psychiatrist for medication but you will end up seeing the psychologist far more often if he recommends treatment.


I also suggest that you start by seeing the psychologist alone -- at least for a few sessions. If the two of you see him together at the outset, there is a good chance you will never get a detailed diagnosis if your H has BPD. Because most insurance companies do not cover BPD, and because BPD victims often terminate therapy when given that diagnosis, many psychologists will list one of the symptoms (e.g., depression) as the diagnosis and never mention BPD itself. 


I say that partly based on the experience of other non-BPD partners -- and partly based on my own experience when I took my exW to 6 different psychologist over 15 years. Not one of them mentioned BPD even though she is a textbook case of it. Instead, one called it PTSD and another said "thought disorder." The last one, whom my exW saw each week for 5 years, refused to tell us what it was, claiming "labels are not useful." The closest she would get to BPD was to say "thought disorder" -- which, of course, is what BPD is. In hindsight, I realize that I should have gone to a separate psychologist so I could be told the full truth. 


If your husband does get a BPD diagnosis, it will be called "high functioning BPD" because he is able to hold a job and do other things that would not be possible with full-blown BPD. This likely is why you are not seeing some of the most severe BPD traits, e.g., suicidal. Another reason, as I note above, is that only 5 of the 9 BPD traits need to be strong for a BPD diagnosis to be warranted. That said, fear of abandonment is usually considered a core trait that should be present in some form. Because you have not seen such fear, it may well be that he has a few BPD traits but not enough (i.e., not the necessary 5) to be diagnosed as such.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

RachelLaura said:


> Freak on a Leash- thank you. Its really great to be able to read from someone who has been in my husband's shoes and who has worked their way through it. I really can't tell you how much hope it gives me. It is so hard for me to relate to my husband, because I am so opposite in this respect, and so so calm. Little things rarely bother me.
> 
> I do love my husband, but when these situations keep happening, my resentment grows, I respect him a lot less, I am wayyyy less attracted to him, and I am extremely stressed about my marriage. I am sure that in some way, he can sense my feelings, and it probably stresses HIM out, and we are having these cyclical problems.


Yes, you seem to be in my husband's situation. My husband does love me and initially supported me but as things got worse and worse he had to pull away, if only to preserve his own sanity. It made things worse on my end, especially when I was hospitalized and he wasn't there for me. We had kids at the time (aged 2 and 5) so they were his main priority and it's a good thing because he pretty much had to be a full time caregiver to them. 

I AM trying to give you hope and a realistic view of what is going on with your husband. I keep stressing that you need to look at this in a medical context (hence referring you to a psychiatrist) AS WELL AS a mental situation (which would involve therapy, therefore seeing a psychologist/threrapist IN CONJUNCTION with a psychiatrist). IMO you need to do ALL these things at once. Hence, my analogy to giving a car a proper tune up and not just changing the sparkplugs without the ignition wires.  

I also want you and your husband to know that you aren't alone and this sort of thing can be treated if it's done correctly but it takes time, patience and you might have to go through several doctors/therapists and medications before you hit on the right combination.

These days everyone and his uncle has some kind of "disorder" and medication is prescribed like candy. The end result of this phenomenon is that those of us who DO have a real problem are just mixed in with everyone else and we are all diminished in the end. To this end, I almost never discuss my situation. This is probably the first time I've gone on a website and gotten this deep into it. 

My advice to you is to be patient and understanding but you might want to consider therapy in conjunction with his, but separately. The marriage counseling my husband and I did shortly after my illness was a disaster because he was still bitter about all the bad stuff I did (my tantrums and fits, my out of control spending, my inappropriate actions, etc) and I was bitter and fiercely angry at him about his distant and cold attitude so marriage counseling turned into a "tit for tat" exchange and made things worse. But you going for therapy to learn to deal with your husband's condition and allay the guilt and anger you are feeling would be a good thing. Just thank God you don't have kids. 



> He recognizes that he needs help with his anxiety, the big-time blow-ups and road rage, which is why he is currently on the Paxil. He has been to anger management in the past and knows it has been a problem. But at the moment, I really really dont think he sees any problem with his innappropriate and overexaggerated responses to minor occurences. I think he doesnt see these occurences so much as anger, because he often is not yelling, but doesnt realize he is still acting innappropriately. From our experience, I really think he believes he is justified and thinks something like scratching the paint off the wall isn't minor.


Well, I've read the anecdotes you've related and can honestly say that I most likely would've reacted in a similar fashion back when I was sick. That doesn't excuse it. Quite the opposite. It's terrible for you to have to sit there and cringe and then apologize for his actions and then have him blow off your concerns. 

Unfortunately your husband is not yet at the critical stage where he looks in the mirror and realizes that not EVERYONE in the world is a jerk and wrong. He needs to figure out that the problem is him. I remember coming to that realization and it's an important one. It's akin to an alcoholic standing up at an AA meeting and saying "I'm an alcoholic". Until you realize that YOU are the problem and YOU need to fix it and continue to blame everyone else, nothing will be accomplished. Your husband has yet to get to that point. 

The Paxil is a good start but is it working? If you aren't seeing a psychiatrist then you need to do so. The family doctor isn't going to cut it. So don't waste your time there. You need a therapist AS WELL as a psychiatrist. One without the other isn't enough. If you aren't happy with your medication and it isn't working or you aren't happy with your doctor or therapist then be prepared to move on. 

Let's see...:scratchhead:.. I was on at least 4 medications, saw three psychiatrists, 4 therapists, went to a clinic and was hospitalized four times (once for 3 weeks, other times just overnight) and had to add another medication to the mix before it's all worked out ten years later.

 Ouch, sounds bad. But that's life and you need to be prepared for this..and that's if your husband is up for it and willing to undertake this. If he is fighting it then it's uphill and that when you will have to make some hard decisions about what you want out of life while you are still relatively young and don't have children. 



> My question to you is this... should I try to have a calm discussion with him about his reaction to these minor things? I have tried to do this in passing, and it obviously hasn't worked. I have discussed his often negative outlook with him, only to be told he is just "realistic" and not negative. Or should I just immediately ask him to seek therapy for the sake of our marriage and trust that with the right meds and therapy will help? Also, do you suggest we go to couples therapy or do this separately??
> 
> Also, as a naturally calm person, I do not get overheated easily. But often when I feel as if I am being blamed, criticized and yelled at for everything under the sun, its hard to sit back and take it. Often times I get involved in the yelling and just want to defend my intentions. I hate it. I think I will actively try to stay more calm and walk out of the room when this happens..... although its just so hard sometimes......


Some I answered above. I'd do separate therapy because I think you'll just have "tit for tat" thing going on together. He's not listening to you because he still feels everyone else is the problem and unfortunately that includes you. 

Discussing this with him might help but probably not at this point. Can't hurt to calmly sit down and outline it all out. I'd write all your points down and be as calm as you can and make sure you listen to what he has to say so he doesn't feel it's an attack on him.

You should also have some concrete suggestions on what he should do and be prepared to support him. He needs to think of you as an ally. This means doing some research on your part and coming up with a list of doctors and therapists as well as practical solutions and an agenda for treatment. You have a problem here and you now need to start dealing with it, rather than just saying "this is bad", "you did this and this and that". He knows all that. NOW is the time to start dealing with and dealing with his condition, not just him. 

Unfortunately he probably knows he has problems but HIS problem is that he is still at the stage where he feels everyone else is being a jerk to him. He HAS to figure out that everyone in the world can't be wrong and that he has to take concrete steps to grab hold of his life and change it or else there will be consequences. Don't make idle threats but you might want to think long and hard about how long you can put up with this life you have with him and convey this to him. 

Start thinking about what you'll do if he doesn't change and talk to him about your concerns in a calm and measured way. Don't make idle threats but make it clear that you aren't bluffing and that things HAVE to change before you do anything like start a family. 

Let me assure you that you aren't being unreasonable. Stuff like cursing at a family because they are taking up time in a line at the passport office or going off on your friend for marking up a wall is NOT acceptable behavior. Don't think you are the problem here. 




> You know, its also a huge shame- we just joined a gym, and I could tell it was having a good effect on my husband. I am in the process of trying to changes careers/start-up something on the side while still working full-time, and as that is a top priority in my own life right now, I simply dont have time for the gym. I keep pushing him to go back, but he doesnt have as much motivation without me going too.


It is a shame but life is like that. Perhaps with nice weather here you can do something like an evening walk or bicycle ride or even just some sit ups at home. Gyms never worked for me because the effort it takes to actually get up and go out to one never worked. I bought an elliptical machine for myself and do sit up/push ups and it works great. It costs less in the end too



> He is really excited about having kids, and thinks that they will actually HELP with his stress. He is actually pretty nurturing, and is an amazing caretaker of our dog. But I dont think he fully realizes what parenthood involves, at all. I know the stresses will multiply and it already scares me to think about children in the picture. I am certainly not planning on having children without these issues worked out.....


Dogs aren't kids. You can leave a dog alone or put it in a kennel when you want/need to go away for a weekend or an evening out. You can yell at a dog and it doesn't care much and will forget about it a few minutes later. Dogs don't live much more than 12 years and they don't carry emotional scars for the rest of their lives as a result of a mentally unbalanced parent going off on them for no apparent reason. Dogs don't go thru life bearing the effects of living with parents who are constantly yelling at each other or even worse, growing up in a broken home.

I CAN NOT say enough of kids will NOT help with your situation at all. They will exacerbate it! For the first 10 years of their lives, kids give NOTHING back. It's all on you and you have to be prepared for this. It can be rewarding on one hand but on the other, it can be horrible. It all depends on YOUR emotional and mental state. You already feel mentally drained by your husband and you will add a baby to the mix? Your husband is in no way emotionally fit to raise a child. 

A child needs love, acceptance, security and a good role model from their parents. What happens when your child puts a scratch on the wall, or does what my 3 year old son did and picks up a rock and throws it at his brand new car and chips the hood? (yes, this happened to me, it wasn't pretty and it's something I cringe about when I think of it  ) Or how about when your 3 year old picks up a permanent magic marker and draws on your polished wood floors (again, a real instance in my life). What are you going to do when your husband goes ballistic and starts yelling or worse? I can go on and on. 

No child deserves this. His desire to have children is a selfish one, even though he will vehemently deny it. It's unreasonable to wait 10 years but you at least should wait until you are feeling good about your marriage and he is feeling good about himself and is undergoing a solid plan of medical treatment and is engaged in regular therapy sessions with someone he trusts... then you have children. 

PLEASE listen to me about this. I did as your husband wants now and had kids at a time when I shouldn't have and I regret and feel shame at so much. I think my age at the time (I was 30) was prompting me to start a family and you might be at that point. It's not when I had kids that I regret but I regret not starting treatment earlier. The signs were there in my 20s (actually it all started in my childhood but came to a head in my late 20s) but I was too busy blaming the rest of the world for my problems to try and fix myself. 

Fortunately when it came to my kids I caught myself in time and have a great relationship with my kids now and they know I love them dearly and they love me. In fact, my experiences have helped me greatly to understand and support my own son, who has issues of his own. But I think your husband has a little further to go then I did. He still has to recognize that he has the problem and he needs to fix it and stop blaming the rest of the world. Hopefully you can get him to that point. 

In the meantime, let me tell you that there are no quick fixes here. No amount of talking and telling him what he's doing wrong saying things like "count to ten when you get angry" (I can't count how many times I heard THAT one ) is going to fix it. Group therapy and management courses won't fix it either. Those things can help later but first you must look upon this just as you would if your husband is a diabetic and get him straightened out medically and he has to come to grips with himself. It's not easy and now is the time to do it. I wish you the best of luck and feel free to ask me anything you need.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Please don't forget the advice that I think got buried in the long posts, about setting your OWN boundaries for what you'll accept from him. Tell him in a loving way that his choices are causing intense stress for you and because of that, you will have to protect yourself at times. Tell him that you may decide to drive two different cars, or leave the room, or other such measures, if you or other people become the aim of his wrath. Tell him this NOW, so that later, when you have to do it, he cannot turn it around on you, which he is likely to attempt.

If you don't set these boundaries, you will become much like an abuse victim, who has lost her self confidence, self worth, and hope.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

:iagree: Yeah, my long posts are akin to a wave that crashes on the beach and washes everything else away.  I'm sorry about that. I type about 100 wpm and tend to be wordy. It's a problem I have. I need a good editor. 

This is VERY good advice. Don't allow yourself to be a doormat. For the record, my husband never did. He always put limits on what he'd accept from me and enforced them. I got angry and bitter at him but looking back, it probably saved our marriage. 

No matter how sick, mentally or physically, your husband is, that's NO excuse or reason to allow him to treat you like crap. 

Keeping this one short.


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## del88 (Mar 24, 2010)

I definitely would not consider having kids until his behavior is under control. Is he currently getting professional help at this time. If not, you should encourage him to do so. If he won't, then you have to question how much he really cares about you.


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