# Need anyone's advice on marriage counseling



## HusbandInTrouble (Mar 7, 2015)

Where to start. I will come out and say it. My wife no longer shows affection towards me in the form of hugs or touching or intimacy. An occasional quick kiss goodbye is about all there is to our marriage. I have routinely tried to give her hugs from behind, slaps on the butt and kisses with no affection in return. It is almost as though she were some sort of “love sponge” as she absorbs and gives nothing back. I have been seeing a steady decline in the way she treats me for the past five years. We have been married for over 17 years and have two wonderful children. For the past two and half years, my wife’s health has not been the greatest. Due to heart problems, we both agreed that she should no longer work in a stressful environment. She is currently a substitute aid at our local elementary school as it is something that is low stress and it brings in some extra income to the family. I believe I have always supported her no matter what. I may not be the best listening husband and it seems any mistake I make in our marriage, such as forgetting my son’s swim practice time or something precise she has told me about her health, pushes her further away. Anything positive I do does not help me gain any ground with her. There is only lose. I have confronted her on this topic on several occasions. Her response is always the same. It is a list of things that I don’t remember, things I don’t do that are the problem. I do try. I really try. I have suggested going to marriage counseling and she is not interested and cost too much money. I have suggested going to our pastor but she doesn’t see an issue. It is all in my head. My question to everyone is this. Has anyone seen a marriage counselor without their spouse being involved? Does it help? I know if I make an appointment she is going to be ticked, but what I need to talk to someone.


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## Microbiology (Mar 7, 2015)

Sounds to me like you both are stressed out, and tired. I am thinking if you can plan a vacation on some weekend, without the children. Think of it as another honeymoon. No work, no stress, no fuss. Just, you and her, nice dining, flirting, this break will remind you both why you fell in love in the first place. And will recharge you to face the world again.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If she will not go to counseling with you, I suggest that you find counseling for yourself. Work on yourself. As you change she will have no choice but to change in response. 

Check out the looks linked to in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. Read them and do the work they suggest. This is along with the counseling.

Also, write down the list of complaints you wife has... See if you see a trend or some actions that will help you with those.

For example, forgetting the time of your son’s swim practice time. Do you have a cell phone? Use the scheduler/calendar on your cell phone to keep tack of things. check it in the morning, noon and evening. Have it set off an alarm when you have to do things. 

This is not unreasonable. I have to do this for work because there are so many little things to remember, meetings etc. I now add my personal stuff to the calendar because I get very focused on something and into my own little world. So I need to be reminded.

YOu could do the same thing.

On your forgetting things she told you about her medical condition. Write it down. Keep the info on our computer or cell phone notes. Does she come home from the doc with notes (I get print outs now whenever I see a doctor.) I scan those in for everyone in my family so that I can go back and double check.

Look for solutions. And start doing them.

And if you think something is unreasonable... talk to her, negotiate some solution that you can live with.


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## HusbandInTrouble (Mar 7, 2015)

Micro, thanks for the advice. Unfortunately a vacation for the two of us is out of the question due to the cost and my son's swim schedule and my daughter's dance schedule. Our family just got back a month ago from Disney as my daughter's dance studio danced in downtown Disney. It was a once in a lifetime experience for her. My wife and I wanted that experience for her and my son really enjoyed it. However, it does make money a little tighter now.


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## HusbandInTrouble (Mar 7, 2015)

EleGirl. I will look into a marriage counselor and it will probably only be me going to him/her. As far as tracking everything, that is a wonderful idea. I just need my own laptop or my own smart phone. My current phone is an $19.95 T-Mobile, pay as you go. I cannot store dates or information on it. I did that so my wife and son could get their own Samsung Galaxy S5s with a data plan. Maybe I could track dates and facts about her on her phone (j/k). 

Actually the old fashion way of carrying a note book might work just like you had mentioned. 

Thank you kindly for the links. A few of these books might just come in handy. I really appreciate your time and response.


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

It sounds like she feels like she can't rely on you and is building up resentment. Everyone forgets things occasionally, but if it's all the time, it's seen as irresponsible, especially if you remember other non related things. My question is how do you act after you forget? Do you apologize and make up for it, or do you just shrug your shoulders and say, "oh well"?

Counseling alone would be beneficial (as long as it's not a Pastor at your church as she may feel betrayed, or laid bare) and over time it may spark an interest for her to join. Your issues DO need to be resolved sooner rather than later!!


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

'Professional" marriage counselors are a waste of time and money. 
Demographically, taken as a group, they have a higher rate of divorce in their personal lives than the general population.


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## HusbandInTrouble (Mar 7, 2015)

Marriedwithdogs. Over the past couple of years I have been "a lot" better at remembering our kid's events. I am even proud of myself for remembering what I do in recent years. When I say occasionally, I mean once every 6 months and I do say I am sorry. One thing you have to understand about my wife is that she can hold a grudge. After our wedding, she did not speak to three of her five brides maids for a few years. Two were women she went to college with and the other was our sister-in-law. In fact, it was only about 4 years ago that the one college friend became facebook friends with my wife and, kind of, made amends. 

As for the pastor at our church, where did you get the idea that it was "my" church? I said "our" church. In fact, she was a member of the church before I was. When we were engaged, I joined "her" church which is the church we attend now. The reason I joined her church was 1) I was not member of the church I was attending at the time. 2) This was the church that welcomed her and got her into Christianity. Her parents were not religious. 3) This was the church we decided to get married in. The pastor who married us 17 years ago is the same pastor that is there now. However, I do believe the associate pastor, a young mother, would probably be a better choice for counseling.


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## HusbandInTrouble (Mar 7, 2015)

syhoybenden. Interesting. I have heard two different opinions over the years about marriage counselors. Both from women. One said that it doesn't hurt to see a marriage counselor early on in a marriage problem before it escalates into something bigger. The other stated that she and her husband went to a counselor and thought it was a waste of time and money. Have you and your spouse seen a marriage counselor? If so, did you get anything out of it at all?


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

I have found marriage counseling helps when both people are invested. If one is not, then it leads to more fights. As someone else mentioned, work on yourself with a therapist.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Before you waste money on MCs, read His Needs Her Needs. Somewhere along the line, your wife's needs changed and you started Love-Busting her, which has emptied her love bank for you. Not to mention having a physical ailment REALLY changes how you look at life. Anyway, read the book and report back what you learned.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Sounds like a nice-guy married to the fabulous queen.

Read this short book right away:

No More Mr. Nice Guy


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Does your employer have a Employee Assistance Program? Usually you can get up to three appointments with a counselor at no charge. I told my wife I was going for myself. Counselor helped me with my own thoughts.

As others have mentioned, read No More Mr. Nice Guy, the 5 Love Languages. When you start improving yourself, it usually gets your spouses attention. I know for myself, I thought, "She's the one with the problems". Once I started consistently improving, my wife noticed.

Also, you will get a lot of different advice here, most of it spot on, trick is to find what is right for your situation.

Good luck,


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

HusbandInTrouble said:


> I have suggested going to marriage counseling and she is not interested and cost too much money. I have suggested going to our pastor but she doesn’t see an issue. It is all in my head.


The partner who has everything their own way NEVER wants counselling cuz they don't have a problem. It's the neglected, distressed partner that has the problem.

She's right about the problem being in your head. That's where people with problems store them. It's not a problem in hers. Her problem is her failure to recognise (or give a shìt about) your distress.

It's a familiar (wilful) denial pattern in all abusive/inconsiderate relationships - the content partner has no problem, so there is no problem. 

Well,,,



HusbandInTrouble said:


> I know if I make an appointment she is going to be ticked, but what I need to talk to someone.


,,, go ahead and make your appointment. If she doesn't like it (content abusers hate anything that might upset their cosy apple cart), tell her she's welcome to join you to work on that new problem in her head.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

[B said:


> Flying_Dutchman;12040841]The partner who has everything their own way NEVER wants counselling cuz they don't have a problem. It's the neglected, distressed partner that has the problem.[/B]
> 
> She's right about the problem being in your head. That's where people with problems store them. It's not a problem in hers. Her problem is her failure to recognise (or give a shìt about) your distress.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:

Your wife has you convinced that you are the weird one for wanting a passionate, intimate relationship. (The reason you married her in the FIRST place!!) Counseling will hopefully set you straight.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

To keep passion in the marriage, you have to keep doing what keeps passion going, like dates and surprises and excitement. Are you doing that?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> *The partner who has everything their own way NEVER wants counselling cuz they don't have a problem. It's the neglected, distressed partner that has the problem.
> 
> She's right about the problem being in your head. That's where people with problems store them. It's not a problem in hers. Her problem is her failure to recognise (or give a shìt about) your distress.*
> 
> ...


Sounds like my relationship with my mother. She of course does not say those things to me anymore since I've been doing a soft 180 on her. It does help now that I am happily married.

Like the others, OP, I would go to counseling alone and do the things that will make you good husband and father.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I have seen a marriage counselor without husband. For the specific issues that you both need to work thru you would benefit from couple's counseling. Since she will not go then I would try to work on you as sometimes we can learn simple things about ourselves and the way we process and react to situations that can change the outcome in the marriage.

I would like to suggest a book to you that I found probably better than any book (of the many) I have read about troubled marriages. "The Secrets of Happily Married Men"by Scott Haltzman, I feel, is a must read for men.


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