# Advice regarding reconciliation issues please



## messeduplady (May 31, 2012)

Hi,

I have been lurking and reading the fantastice advice on this site over the past few months, just got brave enough to post myself as I am really struggling.

In a nutshell (will expand/answer any questions as needed): married 12 years, been together 20 years. Happy, settled but steady marraige, 2 kids, good jobs, house, friends etc etc. Jan '12 husband breaks down and tells me he has been involved in EA since April '11; very sparse contact met for lunch, single kiss, realised wrong and stopped it in Sept '11 but she keeps contacting by email (they work in same building) and it freaked him out so he had to tell me. Wish he hadn't but there you go.

Anyway, he is being perfect - full transparency, attending couples counselling, told me everything (gradually), reads and follows all and any advice he can get, Loves me desperately, no reason really for me to doubt his commitment to R. But here it is - I cant do it, I hate him for the betrayal and I hurt so so bad. It has been good at times, really good but it seems so very bad at the moment that I want to run away. I am in danger of ruining my own marriage not him.

How the hell do you get through this? How do you know its the right thing to do? Does the hate stop?

Please help me, I think I am going mad here.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Awwww....you'll get lots of good advice here, but my two cents? Stop with the "it's my fault, not his". It really kind of is his.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

messeduplady said:


> Hi,
> 
> I have been lurking and reading the fantastice advice on this site over the past few months, just got brave enough to post myself as I am really struggling.
> 
> ...


Yes. As has been mentioned, don't blame yourself. 

Affairs are humiliating to the faithful spouse. 

It is okay to be angry. Don't repress it. 

Vent on forums or in a support group. 

The anger lessens over time. 

He seems to be trying and it's a really really really good sign that he confessed and stopped it, rather than got caught and stopped it. 

Also, a counselor skilled in PTSD might be helpful. I am looking for one now.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Its OK, how you are feeling. Its OK to need time. Its also OK if you can't do it. What's not OK is to make life-changing decisions when you are in an emotional upheaval like this. So, I say you need to be easy on yourself.

You are not in danger of ruining your marriage if you don't accept this. Most spouses will not accept cheating at all. The marriage is in danger because he broke the marital vow of fidelity. Now, "the ball is in your court", so to speak. And you are reacting to that pressure, most likely.

On the plus side, he came clean to you on his own. This is a very good sign. It means his moral compass forced him to come to you and confess. That's a really good start. 

What do you want?


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## messeduplady (May 31, 2012)

I think that is the problem - I don't know anymore what I want. I love him but just not sure I love him enough. We talk and talk, he cries and is full of remorse but yet I still feel this hate. Hate for what he has done to me and my family. I imagin it passes to a certain degree in time but I am not sure I am strong enough for the journey.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, messed up, you don't have to be strong enough for the journey. You just have to be strong enough for today.

And then tomorrow you just have to be strong enough for tomorrow.

There will come a time when you can sit and evaluate your future and make a good decision, but I don't think that time is today. So I think today you just need to be strong enough for today.

And come here and vent! There's nothing the people here haven't heard.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

It takes a long time to get through this - years. My wife and I are reconciling (I had an EA). D day was two years ago this August and we still talk about it - a lot. She still triggers, but not as much, as hard or for as long. It is a long, difficult journey and even if you reconcile successfully you will both have days where you see no way through and believe your marriage is doomed and others where you think there is no way your marriage won't make it. It's a roller coaster, the best you can do is to understand that the peaks and valleys are just that, and that the truth lies in the middle between them.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Well, you can't get what you want if you aren't sure what that is!

Its OK not to know right now. Give it some more time. Don't make any decisions til you are ready. 

Please take care of yourself.


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## messeduplady (May 31, 2012)

You lot are good! Seriously, thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all your wise words, means more than you could all ever know x x x x


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Dday#2 will be 2 years ago in November for us. It took me MONTHS to know what I wanted. I still reserve the right to call it quits at any time. You don't have to know today. You don't have to know next week, or even next year. 

Do tons of reading, here and also in books. Make sure he's doing what he needs to. Get some IC, even MC if you're up to it. A lot of it will go in one ear and out the other, but you will pick up useful things here and there, and will even have AHA! moments when something you read really clicks.

I am so sorry you're here


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Dday#2 will be 2 years ago in November for us. It took me MONTHS to know what I wanted. I still reserve the right to call it quits at any time. You don't have to know today. You don't have to know next week, or even next year.
> 
> Do tons of reading, here and also in books. Make sure he's doing what he needs to. Get some IC, even MC if you're up to it. A lot of it will go in one ear and out the other, but you will pick up useful things here and there, and will even have AHA! moments when something you read really clicks.
> 
> I am so sorry you're here


I like that Hope! YOu don't have to make a decision right away, that is a great point....I still can't predict what will happen to my marriage and I am sure the majority on here would agree that they are in the same boat.

Nobody knows...some days I feel good and positive and then other days I think too much damage has been done, I don't need this. It is scary...sometimes I wish that a psychic could tell me what to do. The unknown is definently scary....

There are some great books out on the subject....search amazon plus I think this TAM site is amazing as well!


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I had an emotional affair on my husband and we've been reconcilled for 4 months now. It's confusing because just when things seem to be going well..a couple weeks ago he suddenly told me he don't know if he can handle this and not sure he want's to stay in our marriage. I'm glad he was honest and came to me but it's so scary. Keep telling your husband how you feel, be honest and tell him what you told us so that you can work this out together instead of you having to deal with it alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

messeduplady said:


> I think that is the problem - I don't know anymore what I want. I love him but just not sure I love him enough. We talk and talk, he cries and is full of remorse but yet I still feel this hate. Hate for what he has done to me and my family. I imagin it passes to a certain degree in time but I am not sure I am strong enough for the journey.


Don't make any decisions right now. 

Yes. The hatred and anger of being betrayed is painful and enormous and a roller coaster ride. 

There is a reason the vows say to "forsake all others" 

There is no place for three people in a marriage. Infidelity kills the trust. 

IMO, a lot of people who have been cheated on are the people who are more invested in their marriage and more self sacrificing.

I decided to file for divorce because my cheater spouse kept telling lies. 

I am still learning of more lies, after filing. 

Just yesterday I found out about more financial infidelity, while we were in a supposed recovery, and it makes me wonder if the affair was still going on. 

Every new lie, erodes trust and makes it more difficult to move past the infidelity. 

If your husband is doing everything right, though, as you mention, you have a chance to recover. 

The anger will subside the longer he behaves.

Also, the men who are cheating these days are not wealthy men whose wives get everything money can buy. 

Typically the wife is at home being cautious with the spending while the spouse, an average guy type, not a billionaire, is out spending marital assets on the OW. 

It such a slap in the face.

BTW: You might want to research Post infidelity PTSD. It is real, and it is the reason why triggers can cause the roller coaster ride. PTSD actually changes the hippocampus of the brain.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Hey, messed, just checking in, how are you feeling this morning?


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## messeduplady (May 31, 2012)

Iamaga- thanks for that, am actually bit better today, think that all that sensible advice kicked in for me. My husband has also been very lovely and supportive, we talked lots yesterday and he seems genuinely upset that he has made me feel as I do. He knows how fragile we are and is allowing me to have the space I need. Just keeps reminding me that he loves me and that he is sorry for all the devastation.

Thanks again. Out with my girls tonight so will relax and enjoy/forget!


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> Don't make any decisions right now.
> 
> Yes. The hatred and anger of being betrayed is painful and enormous and a roller coaster ride.
> 
> ...


This was the case with me, I was trying to stretch every dime, while he was taking her to dinner almost every Friday night, and many other times besides that. He kept telling me that he was out with his co-workers. That was almost true, would have been if he'd dropped the s in workers. I am so sorry about your situation Sara, Hugs. It is such a good sign that Mul's H told her himself, I wish mine had had the balls to do that, it would have made all the difference with me. As it was, it was trickle truth for months, and I had to worm it all out of him, but anyway you get it, it is still a sh!t sandwich.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

oaksthorne said:


> This was the case with me, I was trying to stretch every dime, while he was taking her to dinner almost every Friday night, and many other times besides that. He kept telling me that he was out with his co-workers. That was almost true, would have been if he'd dropped the s in workers. I am so sorry about your situation Sara, Hugs. It is such a good sign that Mul's H told her himself, I wish mine had had the balls to do that, it would have made all the difference with me. As it was, it was trickle truth for months, and I had to worm it all out of him, but anyway you get it, it is still a sh!t sandwich.


Sending hugs back. 

Yep. Me too. I was literally at home juggling the bills, pinching pennies, while he was out with OW.

He told the same lie by omission by claiming he was having a drink with a friend or out with a friend. 

He was with a friend a girlfriend.

One of the most hurtful and confusing things is that he took her to one of my favorite towns and to an expensive restaurant I liked and wanted to go to, but would not because it was so expensive. 

You couldn't leave the place with out spending about $500 on dinner for two and wine. 

I read somewhere that some men cheat on cost conscious wives because they won't allow the men to lavish things on them and they want to do that to feel good about themselves, even though it's silly.

I am not sure I believe that because, mine was kinda' cheap about certain things.

I don't know how someone can do that to someone they love and than claim they don't want a divorce. 

I think the good wife is like their mother whom they both love and hate because she is their security. 

And the affair partner is their lover and friend. They don't realize how one dimensional the AP is, until it's too late.

Mine told me He loved me but I was intellectual, his family, and he no longer saw me as a lover. She was fun and he could see her in a sexual way.

He now denies saying that, and says if he did, he regrets it. 

Still.........

I wish I had found this place six months ago. I wouldn't have bothered with R. I would have gone straight to Divorce.

But them again, maybe not. Maybe I still would have tried to get over it.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Hugs. It takes work and time. Some make it and some don't. At least your husband is showing he is sorry and that is a huge part in healing. Don't rush things and don't make hasty decisions. Give it a week and see where you are at.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

This flip flopping back and forth with BS' umm does it ever really stop? I mean my husband tells me he's in and not to worry he won't leave me but then some days he says.."sometimes I wish I would have just let you date him" As a WS who loves the heck out of her husband and is truly remorseful and totally regrets doing something so stupid this is so confusing and I hate that he's hurting, I wish I never would have hurt him dang it..when he's hurting I'm hurting.. sigh..sorry for chiming in..carry on and well wishes to all of you.. for I never was betrayed to totally understand how you feel but I really am sorry and it's gotta be the worst thing ever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

You know, I have two very general recommendations:

1) Don't try to "work on your marriage" all the time. Marriage is something that's supposed to last a lifetime, so if you marry at 20 and die at 90...that's 70 years. That means you don't have to fix it all TODAY or even TOMORROW...  If you're going to be at this for 70 years, you'll probably want to pace yourself -and- you'll probably want to include some days that are just fun and not really "working on the marriage." 

Since going out alone is what kind of got this whole trouble started, I pretty much recommend that at the beginning of reconciliation, a couple sit down and find ONE THING that they both agree they really enjoy. I mean: "OMG Yes I love doing that!" Find one activity or hobby or sport or band or something that you have in common. Then, and on the occasion, when you get tired of "trying to deal with your own personal issues" or "trying to deal with him as he addresses his personal issues" or "tackling our issues together as a couple"--put that down for a day and go do that Fun Thing together. My Dear Hubby and I like Car Shows, Traveling, Driving, Scenery, quaint motels and mom-and-pop restaurants....so we go to those old classic car shows, we plan the drive over there and another scenic route home, we stop and have picnics, stay at those old-fashioned Route66 kind of motels and look for those "hole in the wall" restaurants that are like lost treasures. We have FUN and I am reminded of how much I like the man. I start to associate "DH=enjoyment" (instead of "DH=facing issues"). 

On the occasion...put it down for a while with the intention of picking back up at a specific time. 

2) Even though it feels like you don't have the strength to get through another day, one way or the other you will live until next week, next month, next year...and then the one after that! So rather than looking at time like, "OMG I can not live like this for another whole year!!" look at it like "well one way or the other I will hit 45yo one day. I can choose to be happily married, I can choose to get there just married but miserable...or I can choose to arrive there single. Right now, I just gotta get through TODAY and enjoy THIS DAY and be personally responsible for TODAY."

It's almost impossible if you think of it like "I can't live like this for another whole year" because that is SO LONG!! (Then again, it's just 1/70th of the length of your whole, entire marriage....  ) BUT it is much more possible to look at this one day and think about going on when you consider how he acted TODAY...how you acted TODAY...what he said today and what you said today... If you break it down like that, you can choose to enjoy and appreciate him and your marriage right now, or you can choose to be dissatisfied and unhappy as well. But it's just for right now, and THAT you can handle.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

The decision to stay and love and be with someone is made one day at a time. We tend to think our fortress is impenetrable but then the walls are breached and we see how vulnerable we really are.
Your husband is doing all the right things. His guard was down, he failed but then he came to you. 
This is your new relationship where you are both aware of the fragility of your security in love. 
Go gently on each other


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

oaksthorne said:


> This was the case with me, I was trying to stretch every dime, while he was taking her to dinner almost every Friday night, and many other times besides that. He kept telling me that he was out with his co-workers. That was almost true, would have been if he'd dropped the s in workers. I am so sorry about your situation Sara, Hugs. It is such a good sign that Mul's H told her himself, I wish mine had had the balls to do that, it would have made all the difference with me. As it was, it was trickle truth for months, and I had to worm it all out of him, but anyway you get it, it is still a sh!t sandwich.


I agree. He confessed. Thats really atypical and the best case scenerio. My H didnt/wouldnt confess even when given multiple opportunities. I had to put the proof under his nose and threaten to D him to get the truth. He finally gave it but It would have made a world of difference had he confessed it instead of me having to force it. Its a BIG deal. Dont underestimate the gravity of this.


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## Socodi (May 25, 2012)

It is so reassuring to know we BS are not alone with our doubts, fears anger and vunerability.... 2months since DD...wish I could 'buy' time , know its a long road ahead. AP not giving him up easily, is still convinced he loves her and is only staying with me out of loyalty...we have been married 39 years , but wer take each day as it comes , face each problem as it appears and as our C tells us, keep close , keep your picket fence around you strong , and she will NOT get in !!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Socodi said:


> It is so reassuring to know we BS are not alone with our doubts, fears anger and vunerability.... 2months since DD...wish I could 'buy' time , know its a long road ahead. AP not giving him up easily, is still convinced he loves her and is only staying with me out of loyalty...we have been married 39 years , but wer take each day as it comes , face each problem as it appears and as our C tells us, keep close , keep your picket fence around you strong , and she will NOT get in !!!


Socodi, hope things are going well for you and your husband.


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