# 47 BF is temporarily out of money and homeless. How long would you support this situation?



## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

I am truly in a jam and don't know what or how to think/proceed. I am hoping for guidance here. 

A former client of mine turned into a long distance friend for the past few years. He told me he had divorced years ago and was living in Las Vegas and building a family office/investment fund. 

In professional mastermind groups, he was always very well respected and I thought he was extremely smart, but I also knew he had a binge drinking issue that I witnessed while at some of these events.

We have texted and chatted back and forth for years...and I talked him through some tough times (over the phone) when his brother died etc. 
So, I "get" (let's call him MIKE) and the emotional pain he has. He has no family...everyone has passed away and then he divorced. No children.

So, when I told him I had a last minute fundraiser to plan at my home 3 months ago, he offered to come and help and fill the room with some of his investors too.

After he was in town for a few days, he was clear he was interested in a relationship with me and during the time of hanging out with him...and dinners etc. But his level of drinking was shocking to me.

And he was consistently leaving me the bill. I thought...WHY am I paying for this multi millionaire's dinner and bar tabs? Things didn't make sense. 
So, on the last dinner (he would conveniently disappear to the bathroom when the bill arrived)... I waited for his return. He acted like he couldn't find his wallet and then I just sat quietly. 

He eventually pulled out his wallet and when he ran his credit card it said "insufficient funds". 
So, I pretended not to see...and he pulled out another card. Same thing. "insufficient funds".

I pulled out my card and paid. When we got in the car, I said, "is everything ok?" (He was probably 8-10 drinks in by this point) and he said he was going through some tough financial times, but he will be fine. Everything is "great".

He flew back to Las Vegas and then referred me to a few clients...and we currently share 2 clients. We were on work calls together with these clients and all seemed to be fine.
However, I began to notice that he would avoid texting me back around 7pm PST and he'd say that he fell asleep early etc. But, seems pretty odd, right?

Long story short, I discovered that he was indeed divorced on paper 3 years ago, but it was only to protect her assets. 
He was/is broke and he never moved out of their house and he was still living like a married couple with her in Las Vegas.

He said that he told her that he was moving on with ME and she threw him out of the house and cut off all access to money. 
Although, it sounds like they have none overall. At least liquid...

He ended up flying to my state for a family office meeting and told me this and that he's homeless. He has no access to money. No credit cards and wanted to "sleep on my couch" after the conference that I was already attending due to our mutual clients. 

I told him that I couldn't allow that because I have my 17 year old son half of the time, but I'd help him as much as I could.

In the meantime, I called another friend who knows "Mike" well and asked what was going on ...and he told me that "Mike" does have millions COMING in a big investment deal next year, but right now, he is dying on the vine. 

He said that he THOUGHT "Mike's car was repossessed as well and he is considering selling shares of some of his real estate to survive. 

Over the last 2 weeks, I have allowed him to stay with me on the days I don't have my son and I've paid for his hotel every other night. I have paid for all his meals and allowed him to use my car.

I have taken him to nice dinners etc and he's drunk BOTTLES of wine on my tab. He told me he wants to eventually marry me and when his investments come in, he will repay me with many things etc. 

I have confirmed through outside sources that he truly is respected in his field and that these companies exist...and even the clients we share...clearly think very highly of him.
However, I am very concerned because I don't understand how someone could have NO money and be homeless! 

I've talked to his friend/business partner for the past few days confidentially and he's asked me to help "Mike" because he says he will get paid from a current investment/client early next week to the tune of 100k. But, until then, he has nothing. (Of course he never told him he's broke out of fear/embarrassment) 

Personally, I'm not well. I have been extremely stressed and overwhelmed. I have worried so much for him and for my own well being. I've been drinking daily, as well and end up feeling terrible the next day...

My money is being depleted fast. In the past month, "Mike" has cost me about $7k because he also invited me to the professional conference in my state for 3 days so I could meet "potential clients". I haven't secured any new clients from that yet -- but he left me with the hotel bill and dinner tabs.

I have no idea how he can be HOMELESS and without money for food etc and also raising capital for very prominent founders/companies. It is mind boggling to me.

Bottom line, the reason he's not calling and asking anyone ELSE for money and help is because it would ruin his reputation with his colleagues. So, I am trying to help him as much as I can.

I love him as a person. But, he's lied countless times to me. He's taken money and continues to do so...and he's a binge drinker.
I reached out to his wife/ex wife and left a message and text. She didn't reply. 

Obviously, I had no idea I was getting involved with someone who was still very much attached to another woman. 
He is here in my house all day because he has nowhere else to go.

I'm not sure how to handle any of this.....I had a business meeting yesterday and was gone for a few hours and I realized it was a great break. 

I have been divorced and living alone for the past 2 years and maybe I'm stuck in my ways, but it's really hard to have your BF in your house 24/7....and also having to pick up after him, drop off his dry cleaning....make sure he has a ride back and forth to the hotel (that I'm paying for) when my son is with me. 

It's a lot. And this morning, I am have considered ending things completely with him. 

I will miss him, but I think this is just too much to deal with. And while I know he is so charismatic and eloquent in professional settings.... he is also the guy who I can't get out of my house and who isn't flushing the toilet! 

Would appreciate advice on my next steps.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I didn’t need to read much of what you wrote to know without a doubt 

HHHEEEEEEEELLLLL NO !!!!!!!!


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I am truly in a jam and don't know what or how to think/proceed. I am hoping for guidance here.
> 
> A former client of mine turned into a long distance friend for the past few years. He told me he had divorced years ago and was living in Las Vegas and building a family office/investment fund.
> 
> ...


I have to say if he was this wonderful well-respected man involved in real world deals to potentially make millions do you think he would be homeless?

But ok, lets say he's had a downturn.

And now guess what?


redpandapanda2 said:


> I have no idea how he can be HOMELESS and without money for food etc and also raising capital for very prominent founders/companies. It is mind boggling to me.





redpandapanda2 said:


> My money is being depleted fast. In the past month, "Mike" has cost me about $7k



You are about to join him in being broke and homeless.

Do NOT let this man have any more access to you or your finances. If he comes into wealth, great for him. I'd bet his million dollars that he will drink it all up.

Run away @redpandapanda2


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> I didn’t need to read much of what you wrote to know without a doubt
> 
> HHHEEEEEEEELLLLL NO !!!!!!!!


Thank you. I appreciate your objective feedback. Obviously, I am very emotionally attached and I have let that cause problems for myself and my judgement.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

NO.....!


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

I hear you... so how do I tell him today? I guess I can just text him while I'm out at a business meeting today that he needs to go find another air bnb and I can't pay anymore?

I just feel paralyzed and very sad. And worried for him, too. But, it will be a relief at least for the first 24 hours or so...that he's not in my space. 




You are about to join him in being broke and homeless.

Do NOT let this man have any more access to you or your finances. If he comes into wealth, great for him. I'd bet his million dollars that he will drink it all up.

Run away @redpandapanda2
[/QUOTE]


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Even if he wasn't broke and homeless, he's not a quality guy. Drinking as much as you say plus lying to you and still living with the ex...all red flags that should cause you to kick him to the curb.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

Jimi007 said:


> NO.....!


Thank you for your reply.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I hear you... so how do I tell him today? I guess I can just text him while I'm out at a business meeting today that he needs to go find another air bnb and I can't pay anymore?
> 
> I just feel paralyzed and very sad. And worried for him, too. But, it will be a relief at least for the first 24 hours or so...that he's not in my space.
> 
> ...


Yep, whatever it takes. Text him. Tell him you're done. But brace yourself... you are his lifeline he might not let that go easily.

You've got to be strong about it, it's your life and your mental health at stake.

Find a good guy who can respect and love you instead of this leech.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

His ex is/was Mormon, so I don't think he could drink around her...and he talks about that quite a bit.

But, he drinks around me...that's for sure. And what I do NOT like...is it's beginning to impact the amount I drink and how I feel and perform the next day ...for my own business and clients. 

I just don't know how to handle ending this... he is in my home and telling him to leave, isn't going to be easy. 



BeyondRepair007 said:


> Even if he wasn't broke and homeless, he's not a quality guy. Drinking as much as you say plus lying to you and still living with the ex...all red flags that should cause you to kick him to the curb.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

Yes, I think I will have to handle it that way, because I am emotionally invested. Even if we never became romantic...it's just hard to see someone struggle. I am def an empath...and that has caused me to be burned many times... that's for sure. 



BeyondRepair007 said:


> Yep, whatever it takes. Text him. Tell him you're done. But brace yourself... you are his lifeline he might not let that go easily.
> 
> You've got to be strong about it, it's your life and your mental health at stake.
> 
> Find a good guy who can respect and love you instead of this leech.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

This story reminds me of the Netflix series ''The Tinder Swindler,'' where a guy posed as a millionaire, but suddenly had his cash tied up in ''investments,'' and started asking his gf's he met on Tinder, for money. 

I would run. I'm thinking much of what he has told you is not true. Be careful, because you don't know what he may be capable of, but definitely end this ''relationship'' and block him.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Yes, I think I will have to handle it that way, because I am emotionally invested. Even if we never became romantic...it's just hard to see someone struggle. I am def an empath...and that has caused me to be burned many times... that's for sure.


I am empathic as well, so I feel your struggle. But you have to look out for yourself and sometimes that's going to leave you with a hard choice.

So steel yourself, and press "send". He needs to go.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

So steel yourself, and press "send". He needs to go.
[/QUOTE]

SUCH A great way of putting it! "Steel" myself...so, so true! 

He talks about his issues with abandonment and he's struggled with that for years... due to his entire family passing away before him. and I have empathy to that. So, I think I will just handle this carefully. I'll tell him that my son is coming tonight and I am sorry, but he's going to have to go back to an Airbnb. But, THIS time, I'm not going to pay for it. 

But, I'm honestly not sure if he can afford it yet. I may have to just pay for ONE night tonight and then tell him in the am, that he's on his own. That may make me feel better, at least.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

redpandapanda2 said:


> But, I'm honestly not sure if he can afford it yet. I may have to just pay for ONE night tonight and then tell him in the am, that he's on his own. That may make me feel better, at least.


That's reasonable and humane. But do NOT let one turn into two, into three, etc. He will milk that for all it's worth.

Make it clear. 1 night and you're out. Then block his number so you won't hear from him again.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

His problem is his problem…. the worst thing you can do is make it YOUR problem

Save yourself now !!


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

It is hard to do but you have to protect yourself. Your friend needs help but you cannot help him. You can only make suggestions. I have a male friend whose story is very similar. The man has attempted suicide a few times. Last time I talked to him he told me he wanted to die and thought about it all the time. Part of the problem is the alcohol use, probably a big part of it!!! I asked him what steps he was taking to seek help and he actually was. This is the conversation I think you need to have with your friend.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

What would your grandmother and her peers have done with a deadbeat and con man back in their day?


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

Please reread this as if you were reading someone else’s’ story. $7,000 in a month? That’s more than most people make in a month. C’mon. This man is a fraud. And if his partner knows all of this why isn’t he forwarding him the money? It just doesn’t seem to matter how many warnings women get about men like this. The first time he lied to you should have been the end. Please use this money for your son. He needs to go. I can’t even see where you’re getting anything out if this relationship-wise. Consider this a really bad lapse of judgment and move on. He’s clearly not worried about you. Return the favor. NO respectable man would have behaved this way. You got conned by an alcoholic.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Teacherwifemom said:


> Please reread this as if you were reading someone else’s’ story. $7,000 in a month? That’s more than most people make in a month. C’mon. This man is a fraud. And if his partner knows all of this why isn’t he forwarding him the money? It just doesn’t seem to matter how many warnings women get about men like this. The first time he lied to you should have been the end. Please use this money for your son. He needs to go. I can’t even see where you’re getting anything out if this relationship-wise. Consider this a really bad lapse of judgment and move on. He’s clearly not worried about you. Return the favor. NO respectable man would have behaved this way. You got conned by an alcoholic.


100% agree!


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

I agree @Teacherwifemom. Thank you for this reply and objective insight... I think it is def a bad lapse of judgement due to my empathy. I have seen him cry and breakdown and it's so hard to watch and not help. He keeps saying he doesn't know how it got that bad for him etc. thank you for your insight...


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I’m leaning in agreement with oldshirt, that’s he’s a “con man.” His ex threw him out for similar reasons that you’re going through. He didn’t represent himself truthfully to you, so in my mind, you don’t owe him anything. It’s great to feel empathy for others, but not for con men.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I haven’t read the whole story and I haven’t read any of the follow up posts. 

But for future reference, let me tell you who one should support. 

People can lose jobs and streams of income through no fault of their own. It can happen to any of us. That’s economy. 

Some people do need a little temporary support to get back on their feet. 

The people that deserve some support and for which that investment will be returned are people that are sober, responsible, honest and formulate a workable plan for getting back on their feet, and get up with the sun every morning and get out and find their next job.

They get up with the sun, are out beating the streets, knocking on doors, making phone calls, sending out resumes and filling out applications until it’s time for a good meal and a good night’s sleep so they can get up the next morning and do it again.

They do this until they are again gainfully employed and self supporting.

When you don’t have a full time job, your full time is to find and secure a full time job.

The people that do that deserve support and that support will be fruitful. 

The people that are drunk and mooch off other and make up stories and blame other people and are basically con artists, do not deserve one dime.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> What would your grandmother and her peers have done with a deadbeat and con man back in their day?


Agreed -- I haven't seen him as a 'con man' but I see that it could be construed that way. He has def gotten a lot of cash and energy/sympathy/kindness out of me. No doubt


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

*Deidre* said:


> I’m leaning in agreement with oldshirt, that’s he’s a “con man.” His ex threw him out for similar reasons that you’re going through. He didn’t represent himself truthfully to you, so in my mind, you don’t owe him anything. It’s great to feel empathy for others, but not for con men.


I hear you...and I'm really glad I came here because of the objective advice here... I really needed it!!!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I hear you...and I'm really glad I came here because of the objective advice here... I really needed it!!!


I can totally understand how he led you down this path, this didn't happen overnight. So, you now care about him and that is a wonderful trait to have - to be an empath. But, these types of men are very good at manipulating their gf's/wives and others, to buy their bs. Good luck to you, in getting this man/situation out of your life. 🙏


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

*Deidre* said:


> I can totally understand how he led you down this path, this didn't happen overnight. So, you now care about him and that is a wonderful trait to have - to be an empath. But, these types of men are very good at manipulating women, and others, to buy their bs. Good luck to you, in getting this man/situation out of your life. 🙏


Thank you so much.. I really appreciate it... and yes, he is def very, VERY good at playing on my emotions and sympathy for him..


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Even if he wasn't broke and homeless, he's not a quality guy. Drinking as much as you say plus lying to you and still living with the ex...all red flags that should cause you to kick him to the curb.


This, to me, is the issue. He is an alcoholic and money isn't going to change his addiction. Even if he comes into millions, he's still a drunk.

Also, he's a huge risk taker and not a safe partner.

You need to detach, physically, financially, and emotionally, immediately.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

Gabriel said:


> This, to me, is the issue. He is an alcoholic and money isn't going to change his addiction. Even if he comes into millions, he's still a drunk.
> 
> Also, he's a huge risk taker and not a safe partner.
> 
> You need to detach, physically, financially, and emotionally, immediately.



I agree -- I mean, if he is willing to drink 10 drinks and then walk away and expect me to pay? Who does that? And I don't think he's a drinker ALL the time...but he's def in the drinking mode right now. It might be partly due to his stress...but still. 

One of the nights he was upset I was "dumping him" at a hotel. I told him I was sorry, but my son was coming, so I had to get him to the hotel. He ended up putting 75 dollars of booze on my card since it was connected on incidentals! I said, look, I am kind enough to get you a hotel... but don't charge up the card!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Wait until he gets his cash next week, ask him to repay the 7k and boot him out. That's if he is not a con man indeed.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I agree -- I mean, if he is willing to drink 10 drinks and then walk away and expect me to pay? Who does that? And I don't think he's a drinker ALL the time...but he's def in the drinking mode right now. It might be partly due to his stress...but still.
> 
> One of the nights he was upset I was "dumping him" at a hotel. I told him I was sorry, but my son was coming, so I had to get him to the hotel. He ended up putting 75 dollars of booze on my card since it was connected on incidentals! I said, look, I am kind enough to get you a hotel... but don't charge up the card!


Yes, also you are teaching your son how to treat women by how you let this guy treat you.

Think about that.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> When you don’t have a full time job, your full time is to find and secure a full time job.


Yes, this.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your history is that you attract people with issues. And they take advantage of you. Tell him you’re spent all your money on him and he needs to make other arrangements. If you don’t do that today he’ll take you down with him and then he’ll walk away. Don’t let that happen.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He's a chronic liar and a con artist. You need to unload him and block him and get him completely out of your life.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He's a chronic liar and a con artist. You need to unload him and block him and get him completely out of your life.


Yeah somehow I missed that he lied about exactly how divorced he was. How many red flags does one person need?

OP, please come back here once you've executed your plan to move forward.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Your history is that you attract people with issues. And they take advantage of you. Tell him you’re spent all your money on him and he needs to make other arrangements. If you don’t do that today he’ll take you down with him and then he’ll walk away. Don’t let that happen.


Totally agree -- I just realized that all of his hotel options nearby are super expensive tonight. UGH! But, I want to give him one more night ..so I can get him out.. and not feel bad.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Would appreciate advice on my next steps.



I'm not going to rehash what everyone else said about your alcoholic, hobo of a boyfriend but I am going to tell you how to get rid of him. 

The next time he leaves for his Airbnb, give him $100 and tell him the Airbnb is covered through your last payment. If it's a week, great. Two days, great. Then tell him Amazon, FedEx, UPS are all hiring temporary evening and weekend help through the holidays. At that point you've done your part. You should feel no guilt. He's gotta take some responsibility for his life.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

Lila said:


> I'm not going to rehash what everyone else said about your alcoholic, hobo of a boyfriend but I am going to tell you how to get rid of him.
> 
> The next time he leaves for his Airbnb, give him $100 and tell him the Airbnb is covered through your last payment. If it's a week, great. Two days, great. Then tell him Amazon, FedEx, UPS are all hiring temporary evening and weekend help through the holidays. At that point you've done your part. You should feel no guilt. He's gotta take some responsibility for his life.


I agree -- It is just hard because I do have so much history with him AND his colleagues that I know..really like and respect him! Obviously, they don't know what he's done to me... but, he is well respected by the professional colleagues that I've met and shared time with him. 

It's all just mind boggling... and hard to swallow.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He’s not a binge drinker, he’s a bad alcoholic. And he’s broke. And he was cheating on his wife with you. And he’s clearly a user.

what more do you really need to know?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

There are friends and there are fools.

He is a friendly fool.

Be his hands-off friend, not his fool.

Having compassion for someone else is a great quality.

Having too much compassion can bankrupt you, mentally and financially.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> He’s not a binge drinker, he’s a bad alcoholic. And he’s broke. And he was cheating on his wife with you. And he’s clearly a user.
> 
> what more do you really need to know?



Yes -- I think you are correct that he was cheating on her with me... or she wouldn't have kicked him out of the house when she found out about me. And even if they were just living together for financial reasons and just "friends" through divorce...he should have told me this! 

I think his financial future will improve - but for how long? And even if he came to me and said, "hey, I'd like to live with you and pay half the lease -- and get a car too..." I would still take pause and my gut would say no. 

I see my own behavior changing around him...as I feel like I need to entertain him etc. And the drinking is not good for me either! And it's not easy going out to eat every night and not having wine...and THAT is a bad influence for me. 

You are dead on @Evinrude58


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Agreed -- I haven't seen him as a 'con man' but I see that it could be construed that way. He has def gotten a lot of cash and energy/sympathy/kindness out of me.


He misrepresented himself and his financial status and bilked resources out of you through false pretenses and misrepresentation.

That is not “construing” him as a con man.

That is the very definition of a con man.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I agree -- It is just hard because I do have so much history with him AND his colleagues that I know..really like and respect him! Obviously, they don't know what he's done to me... but, he is well respected by the professional colleagues that I've met and shared time with him.
> 
> It's all just mind boggling... and hard to swallow.


None of his colleagues need to know but you absolutely need to set boundaries with him, specifically with his living arrangements and money.

Understand that you are enabling him. If he didn't have you, do you honestly think he would be going hungry living under a bridge? NO! He'd be out there earning money working.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Yes -- I think you are correct that he was cheating on her with me... or she wouldn't have kicked him out of the house when she found out about me. And even if they were just living together for financial reasons and just "friends" through divorce...he should have told me this!
> 
> I think his financial future will improve - but for how long? And even if he came to me and said, "hey, I'd like to live with you and pay half the lease -- and get a car too..." I would still take pause and my gut would say no.
> 
> ...


OP, you don’t sound like a woman that’s so desperate for a man that you’d accept a binge drinker/alcoholic/cheater/user. Even if he was a billionaire, you couldn’t maintain a happy relationship with him because he has huge problems. I think you should let him sleep on your sofa until his 100000 check comes in, at BEST. But then cut it back to acquaintance.

Binge drinkers/alcoholics…… they don’t just blow up their lives, they are a black cloud that brings rain on everyone in their circle. Get out of his circle. You already knew this.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I agree -- It is just hard because I do have so much history with him AND his colleagues that I know..really like and respect him! Obviously, they don't know what he's done to me... but, he is well respected by the professional colleagues that I've met and shared time with him.
> 
> It's all just mind boggling... and hard to swallow.


 He likely has done the same bilking to some of his colleagues as well. Skip the Air BnB and buy him a bus ticket back to Vegas then let that be the end of it. I wouldn't expect to see any of your money paid back. He is a con man and you were a mark.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I am truly in a jam and don't know what or how to think/proceed. I am hoping for guidance here.
> 
> A former client of mine turned into a long distance friend for the past few years. He told me he had divorced years ago and was living in Las Vegas and building a family office/investment fund.
> 
> ...


He's full of it. When you have millions in GOOD assets and are in a cash crunch you can still get a bank to give you a line of credit to float you to the coming capital event. If he has a stake in some Real Estate LPs or LLCs he would be able to put up his stake in those etc. Heck he would be able to go to some partners and get a private loan. 90% he's broke and the prospects are not what he says they are.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

And take a lot of time after this to figure out why you keep falling for users. The world is full of them and if you don’t do that then you’ll keep repeating this pattern.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

True -- despite his motives for his dishonesty, it's still horrible behavior. Thank you for your reply 



oldshirt said:


> He misrepresented himself and his financial status and bilked resources out of you through false pretenses and misrepresentation.
> 
> That is not “construing” him as a con man.
> 
> That is the very definition of a con man.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

One of his colleagues offered to give him a loan based off his equity shares -- and I heard this is on speaker phone. He was considering it, until he heard the terms of the loan.

He said he would just wait for his pay day (this week) instead... 

I heard him on the phone this morning with the bank and the wires are coming in...but I heard the bank say they would not have the funds available until tomorrow. I'm still uncertain how MUCH he will. have...but certainly he will be able to afford a hotel stay.... 



happyhusband0005 said:


> He's full of it. When you have millions in GOOD assets and are in a cash crunch you can still get a bank to give you a line of credit to float you to the coming capital event. If he has a stake in some Real Estate LPs or LLCs he would be able to put up his stake in those etc. Heck he would be able to go to some partners and get a private loan. 90% he's broke and the prospects are not what he says they are.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

redpandapanda2 said:


> One of his colleagues offered to give him a loan based off his equity shares -- and I heard this is on speaker phone. He was considering it, until he heard the terms of the loan.
> 
> He said he would just wait for his pay day (this week) instead...
> 
> I heard him on the phone this morning with the bank and the wires are coming in...but I heard the bank say they would not have the funds available until tomorrow. I'm still uncertain how MUCH he will. have...but certainly he will be able to afford a hotel stay....


It seems like you have confidence in his financial status, however, I have zero confidence. From what you've said it really feels to me like a scam, like the is playing you. And maybe it's a coordinated effort. I would be very protective of your assets right now if I were you.

But regardless of the financial status, all those red flag behaviors should be enough for you to send him packing.
I hope by now you've sent that text.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Thank you. I appreciate your objective feedback. Obviously, I am very emotionally attached and I have let that cause problems for myself and my judgement.


 in your first post you used the word BF I don't see anything that makes him your BF 
first he is a drinker and drinkers are very good a not telling the truth , 
second you know he is not honest and sounds like he is happy to get you to pay for him that makes him a sponger , there is so much wrong here and you know it he is using you for all you know his wife is as well , 

I have talk here before about a friend of my wife that had her own house and job she met a polish guy that had moved to Ireland for work he moved in with her and they lived together for 3 years as husband and wife , he had free house and she picked up most of the costs but was in love first relationship ,
all was good until the day he said I am going back to Poland to my wife and 3 kids


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

redpandapanda2 said:


> One of his colleagues offered to give him a loan based off his equity shares -- and I heard this is on speaker phone. He was considering it, until he heard the terms of the loan.
> 
> He said he would just wait for his pay day (this week) instead...
> 
> I heard him on the phone this morning with the bank and the wires are coming in...but I heard the bank say they would not have the funds available until tomorrow. I'm still uncertain how MUCH he will. have...but certainly he will be able to afford a hotel stay....


 if his pay day is soon that push him out the door even if he does not repay you feel lucky


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Definitely run, run as fast as you can. Get your keys back, change your locks, and for God's sake stop paying for everything, this dude is going to bankrupt you. He's a toxic person, and sure he might appreciate all that you do for him, but he's probably just taking advantage of your kindness.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> It seems like you have confidence in his financial status, however, I have zero confidence. From what you've said it really feels to me like a scam, like the is playing you. And maybe it's a coordinated effort. I would be very protective of your assets right now if I were you.


it sounds a bit like the
*Anna Delvey*

My Anna Delvey story: Strange encounters with a fake heiress


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

One option is to tell him that you cannot afford his lifestyle and you will no longer pay for any alcohol or meals out. Ask him for a firm date when he will be able to pay you back. If he does manage to pay you back, do not ever allow him to be in a position to financially hurt you again. Many very rich people have ridden the rollercoaster from being very rich, to broke and back to being very rich. Many have also failed in the end. They are ok with the rollercoaster ride because the potential payoff is worth it to them. That is fine. The problem her is he has put you on the same rollercoaster and your only potential payback is to break even. He had other options but keeps relying on you because that is what is best for him. You are nothing more than a means to an end.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> it sounds a bit like the
> *Anna Delvey*
> 
> My Anna Delvey story: Strange encounters with a fake heiress


Thank you! I couldn't remember the based-on-reality Netflix show...that was it. Sounds a lot like her scams.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Hopefully he really will get his money tomorrow and repay you and go on his merry little way. Hopefully. But even if he does do that it doesn’t mean you should let him stay in your life. Sooner or later users gonna use.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I wonder if Mike has a German accent 


BeyondRepair007 said:


> Thank you! I couldn't remember the based-on-reality Netflix show...that was it. Sounds a lot like her scams.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Hopefully he really will get his money tomorrow and repay you and go on his merry little way. Hopefully. But even if he does do that it doesn’t mean you should let him stay in your life. Sooner or later users gonna use.


 true pay day or no payday it should be bye bye and use steel caped boots so he knows not to come back


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> I wonder if Mike has a German accent


I would almost bet that Mike is not really homeless or broke either.
It just doesn't add up with all the other parts of who he claims to be and the access he should have.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

redpandapanda2 said:


> His ex is/was Mormon, so I don't think he could drink around her...and he talks about that quite a bit.
> 
> But, he drinks around me...that's for sure. And what I do NOT like...is it's beginning to impact the amount I drink and how I feel and perform the next day ...for my own business and clients.
> 
> I just don't know how to handle ending this... he is in my home and telling him to leave, isn't going to be easy.


If his wife is Mormon, he would have had to convert to marry her. The company that I work for is Mormon owned and operated, and about 85% of the staff is Mormon; at least that's the way that it works here. Plus, as a Mormon, drinking is a no-no. They do not drink alcohol or caffeine. If it is affecting YOU, then it's time to bail. He is living with you at the moment? Have a close friend or family member there when you tell him. Maybe make arrangements to stay with that close friend or family member for a night or two until you get your locks changed.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

QuietGuy said:


> One option is to tell him that you cannot afford his lifestyle and you will no longer pay for any alcohol or meals out. Ask him for a firm date when he will be able to pay you back. If he does manage to pay you back, do not ever allow him to be in a position to financially hurt you again. Many very rich people have ridden the rollercoaster from being very rich, to broke and back to being very rich. Many have also failed in the end. They are ok with the rollercoaster ride because the potential payoff is worth it to them. That is fine. The problem her is he has put you on the same rollercoaster and your only potential payback is to break even. He had other options but keeps relying on you because that is what is best for him. You are nothing more than a means to an end.


yes *Elon Musk* has no house and lives off his so called friends


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I would almost bet that Mike is not really homeless or broke either.
> It just doesn't add up with all the other parts of who he claims to be and the access he should have.


I don't care how rich he is going to be or if he is going to have a payday , I would not under any circumstances buy drink for anyone in the way he puts it away


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Made it to the end looking for the redeeming quality in homeless Mike and I missed it.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> I don't care how rich he is going to be or if he is going to have a payday , I would not under any circumstances buy drink for anyone in the way he puts it away


On the last morning (AFTER) our business conference ...we went to brunch. he insisted that we go to the hotel restaurant (which was very nice, but I realized WHY in the end). My credit card was on the hotel for the conference...

He LITERALLY had 8 beers at 10am ...even the waitress was alarmed when he kept asking for "one more please". I just couldn't believe how he was guzzling that down! 

He doesn't drink that intensely right now... especially since I'm sure he's realizing I'm not quite as happy and cheery as I once was...and I'm his current source of survival.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

OP is in a bit of a spot with Mick 
and nothing to do with him living off her but they have the same clients or some at least , and this puts you in a bad place with them , if Mick screws them over you could take some of the heat and be pulled down with him ,


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> OP is in a bit of a spot with Mick
> and nothing to do with him living off her but they have the same clients or some at least , and this puts you in a bad place with them , if Mick screws them over you could take some of the heat and be pulled down with him ,


So far, I don't think that will be a problem...but Yes, that was one of my initial concerns. But, I heard the client we share ..on speaker phone...telling "Mike" YESTERDAY about how grateful he is to work with him...and that he has learned so much from him...etc. So even this guy (who has had several LARGE exits and is extremely astute) has NO idea that "Mike" is struggling and is currently homeless.

It gave me pause for a couple of reasons...and it also made me realize that he's VERY good with his showmanship and charisma...aka...I'm not the only one who believes his bologna... I just got too deep in.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I'm not the only one who believes his bologna... I just got too deep in.


Good to hear you saying this. (recognizing the truth)
Is your escape plan all ironed out?
Have you pressed 'send' yet?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

be very careful dear I have a brother like Mike and he sweet talked a lot of people to follow him and has a lot of people looking for him , one of the people he talked into deal with him was his other brother very happy to be his friend until the last bank crash when he lost 28 million in one day and left his brother take a big part of the hit


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

redpandapanda2 said:


> On the last morning (AFTER) our business conference ...we went to brunch. he insisted that we go to the hotel restaurant (which was very nice, but I realized WHY in the end). My credit card was on the hotel for the conference...
> 
> He LITERALLY had 8 beers at 10am ...even the waitress was alarmed when he kept asking for "one more please". I just couldn't believe how he was guzzling that down!
> 
> He doesn't drink that intensely right now... especially since I'm sure he's realizing I'm not quite as happy and cheery as I once was...and I'm his current source of survival.


That's where you're going wrong with this situation - you're not his ''current source of survival.'' To think that way, will only keep you in this mess. If you weren't in the picture, he'd have to figure it out. This isn't a good guy who ran into a bout of bad luck, and then I could see helping him out. This is a jerk who is latching on to women, with no intention of contributing. He duped you from the start, and that is not your fault. You're *not* his current source of survival.

I hope you end this soon, and I hope ''Mike'' gets his act together, but he needs to do that on his own. There are shelters he can go to, that will help him detox and get on his feet. Charity organizations, he just has to look. If he were honest from the beginning, and you were dating, and he had run into some bad financial luck, that can be reasonably worked out. But, that's not the case at all. 😔


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Typical swindler operation. They seldom operate on their own. They will always let you hear their phone conversations so that the intended victim gets a sense of his truthfulness and his up and up coming soon deals. 

OP you felt for it. You should be out by now. The coming money will never materialize, and if it does, it will be just a little to entice you and to keep you in.

Proceed at your own risk. You've been warned.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Good to hear you saying this. (recognizing the truth)
> Is your escape plan all ironed out?
> Have you pressed 'send' yet?



No, he has been at my home today... since I didn't have my son last night. And he's working from here too. I have a meeting this afternoon at a nearby office.

I quietly told "Mike" that my son is coming tonight...and that I got him an airbnb for the evening. And I will drop him off later when I return from my meeting. At that point, I'm going to text him (after he's out of my house with all of his luggage) and let him know that I have travel for work tomorrow (not true) and I apologize but I can't support him any further. 

And that way ... I can make sure he doesn't pull any emotional blackmail when I'm near him and vulnerable.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

redpandapanda2 said:


> No, he has been at my home today... since I didn't have my son last night. And he's working from here too. I have a meeting this afternoon at a nearby office.
> 
> I quietly told "Mike" that my son is coming tonight...and that I got him an airbnb for the evening. And I will drop him off later when I return from my meeting. At that point, I'm going to text him (after he's out of my house with all of his luggage) and let him know that I have travel for work tomorrow (not true) and I apologize but I can't support him any further.
> 
> And that way ... I can make sure he doesn't pull any emotional blackmail when I'm near him and vulnerable.


Good to hear. It sounds like a good plan.
Please also block him on your phone so you don't get the "please I'll change, I'll give you all your money and more, I PROOOOOMISE" pleadings. You don't need to hear those lies.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Good to hear. It sounds like a good plan.
> Please also block him on your phone so you don't get the "please I'll change, I'll give you all your money and more, I PROOOOOMISE" pleadings. You don't need to hear those lies.


This is where things will be difficult...since my 2 shared clients... think he's God's gift ... I have to be cautious...and blocking him could end up harming MY reputation more than his! 

I'm not sure how to Protect myself from his begging and guilt trips without blocking...


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

redpandapanda2 said:


> No, he has been at my home today... since I didn't have my son last night. And he's working from here too. I have a meeting this afternoon at a nearby office.
> 
> I quietly told "Mike" that my son is coming tonight...and that I got him an airbnb for the evening. And I will drop him off later when I return from my meeting. At that point, I'm going to text him (after he's out of my house with all of his luggage) and let him know that I have travel for work tomorrow (not true) and I apologize but I can't support him any further.
> 
> And that way ... I can make sure he doesn't pull any emotional blackmail when I'm near him and vulnerable.


That's a good idea and look into changing your locks. And get a security system installed, etc...to be on the safe side for at least a few months. Be careful.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

redpandapanda2 said:


> This is where things will be difficult...since my 2 shared clients... think he's God's gift ... I have to be cautious...and blocking him could end up harming MY reputation more than his!
> 
> I'm not sure how to Protect myself from his begging and guilt trips without blocking...


Ouch! Well, don't hurt your business in the process.

But if he's able to contact you then you'll have to stay really convicted and angry with him for doing this to you. And you'll need extra support.

Do you have close friends who can help you with this?

Keep TAM updated and we will yell at you if you waver 🤣


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Ouch! Well, don't hurt your business in the process.
> 
> But if he's able to contact you then you'll have to stay really convicted and angry with him for doing this to you. And you'll need extra support.
> 
> ...



THANK YOU!! Yes, I will come back here and post this evening after I get him to his airbnb and cut the cord. Thanks for the support!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

redpandapanda2 said:


> No, he has been at my home today... since I didn't have my son last night. And he's working from here too. I have a meeting this afternoon at a nearby office.
> 
> I quietly told "Mike" that my son is coming tonight...and that I got him an airbnb for the evening. And I will drop him off later when I return from my meeting. At that point, I'm going to text him (after he's out of my house with all of his luggage) and let him know that I have travel for work tomorrow (not true) and I apologize but I can't support him any further.
> 
> And that way ... I can make sure he doesn't pull any emotional blackmail when I'm near him and vulnerable.


Please also add up all the money you have spent on him and ask for it back when his money comes in. 
Honestly it all sounds very odd to me. A guy of nearly 50 still living with his divorced wife and having no home or money. The heavy drinking alone would put me off.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Mike is a con artist. Unless you want that $7k you already lost to morph into $70k or more, RUN!


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

redpandapanda2 said:


> This is where things will be difficult...since my 2 shared clients... think he's God's gift ... I have to be cautious...and blocking him could end up harming MY reputation more than his!
> 
> I'm not sure how to Protect myself from his begging and guilt trips without blocking...


You just plain ole ignore it. Don't respond, and if able to, don't even look at his messages. He's not God's gift, he's a charismatic a$$hat who uses people to get what he wants.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Ursula said:


> You just plain ole ignore it. Don't respond, and if able to, don't even look at his messages. He's not God's gift, he's a charismatic a$$hat who uses people to get what he wants.


lol ''a$$hat" - that word says it all 🤣


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I think when all is said and done, you need to get into some serious counseling to figure out why you are getting involved with characters like "Mike." Although you may see it as helping him, you are actually doing nothing more than enabling him to continue pulling this nonsense without suffering the consequences of his actions.

Counseling can help you to learn how to set boundaries so people who are flim-flam men/con artists won't have a chance to take advantage of you. Gain the necessary tools to enforce boundaries and not feel guilty for enforcing them. Seriously.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

People who can't say no attract people who won't let go.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

redpandapanda2 said:


> One of his colleagues offered to give him a loan based off his equity shares -- and I heard this is on speaker phone. He was considering it, until he heard the terms of the loan.
> 
> He said he would just wait for his pay day (this week) instead...
> 
> I heard him on the phone this morning with the bank and the wires are coming in...but I heard the bank say they would not have the funds available until tomorrow. I'm still uncertain how MUCH he will. have...but certainly he will be able to afford a hotel stay....


Look I'm a commercial real estate developer and investor. I have gone through some cash issues early on when projects had major delays tenants backed out and so on. The reality is when you have millions in assets, and you can prove you have millions in assets, you can access short term cash quite easily. I have also done short term loans for friends who were in bad situations, even papering them well you can do this in a day or two if you have a responsive lawyer and title company. 

The reality probably is he is involved in some deals that locked up all his cash, he has payments to make (could be he already has huge private debt already) that whatever paycheck he has (If he's a multi-millionaire investor why does he rely on a paycheck) doesn't cover it. 

He sounds like a guy heading for bankruptcy, hence the divorce to protect her assets (which may not help her). Just my gut based on your description. These deals he is waiting to come in maybe have gone a bit sideways and he is severely underwater. That could explain it also. 

Bottom line if he was high net worth (10 million plus) with a good enough track record that banks or private lender had faith these deals were going to payoff, they would help him out with good terms. Being at the point that you homeless and asking a GF to crash on her couch is beyond unlikely for a successful investor. 

It just makes no sense. If he's a drunk he might not be making the best financial decisions.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I would lend $20 for lunch. If he asks again the next day then I'll be going "where the F is my money for lunch yesterday? pay up MF!"

So... *$7K a month?! 🤦‍♂️*
I would be collecting 

Man why do people house deadbeats


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

redpandapanda2 said:


> This is where things will be difficult...since my 2 shared clients... think he's God's gift ... I have to be cautious...and blocking him could end up harming MY reputation more than his!
> 
> I'm not sure how to Protect myself from his begging and guilt trips without blocking...


Just immediately delete any texts he sends you. That way you aren't tempted to even read them. Same with voicemails.

In your shoes, I would say that I have reached a point where I can't support him anymore. And make up something about my son. Like, my son asks a lot of questions and I'm realizing this isn't the right situation for my family. Sorry, I wish the situation was different, but I can't continue with this any longer. 

He is VERY desperate, obviously, so he WILL pull out all the stops to try to get you to just answer the phone, or answer a text, or whatever. You need to be STRONG and do NOT answer them. Do NOT talk to him. Do this for your son. It's a terrible example and a teaching moment.

Then, call your 2 clients. Be up front and tell them Mike might be calling to say some negative things about you. Tell them they will not be true. I'd not give them private details about his drinking, homelessness, etc. Keep it brief. You can say that you would like to continue working for them, and that if Mike is doing a great job, you'd encourage them to keep working with Mike also. But you wanted to give them the courtesy of a heads up, that Mike may call. If they ask what's going on, then you can say it's personal. Keep it pretty basic, otherwise you can become the bad guy real fast, spreading gossip.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Dump him before you lose your kid. This is some ripe bologna he is serving you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Will he show up at your house after you tell him? If you think that’s a possibility you need to prepare for it.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

You're not helping him out. He's pulling you under with him.

He's a manipulator and a user, not a boyfriend. If you're sexually intimate with him, that's just one more thing he's getting from you. It doesn't sound like there is any reciprocity whatsoever in this relationship.

Any good person grateful for help when they're in a bind would not order ten drinks with breakfast. I know when my finances get sketchy, drinks and eating out are the first things I eliminate to try to get my budget under control again.

Take steps to secure your house (change the locks, get a security camera, etc) after you tell him he's not welcome back there. And change your credit card numbers in case he's gotten access to them. And be prepared for him banging on the doors at all hours with a sob story about how he has nowhere else to go. Because it sounds like you'd fall for it if you weren't steeled against it. Have a friend stay with you a few nights at first and be the one to answer the door and tell him to go away or you'll call the police.

You probably have to accept that you'll never see that 7k again, but at least it isn't going to be 10k, or 30k or whatever he could drain you for before there's nothing left. Maybe you can guilt him through the mutual clients and contacts, but I doubt it. It sounds like they are also scam victims, or they may even be in on his grift of you.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> You're not helping him out. He's pulling you under with him.
> 
> He's a manipulator and a user, not a boyfriend. If you're sexually intimate with him, that's just one more thing he's getting from you. It doesn't sound like there is any reciprocity whatsoever in this relationship.
> 
> ...



I agree. So the update tonight is I dropped him at his airbnb...he paid for dinner tonight...said that he got a deposit of a couple hundred dollars and would pay for dinner. Whatever....

He told me he isn't getting paid now until at least Friday. I haven't told him I'm out yet... I got him to his airbnb and I plan to text him in the morning. I may pay for one more night.. but I'm just so spent...

He broke down crying at dinner about how exhausted he is...and how he's trying so hard to rally more business..and he feels so lost. I DO feel for him. I don't think he's 100 percent con artist... BUT...he isn't handling this properly. That is for sure...

God...I wish I could get his ex wife to speak with me... I would love to know the **** I'm not being told.

So at least I get to sleep alone tonight...but I must admit tomorrow won't be easy. I think the best thing I can do is tell him I have to head out of town for a client. HOWEVER...he will want to know why he can't stay in my house instead of a hotel or airbnb? 

I'm not sure the proper answer to that...but at least he's out of my house...for now. Just need to solidify my next steps...


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I agree. So the update tonight is I dropped him at his airbnb...he paid for dinner tonight...said that he got a deposit of a couple hundred dollars and would pay for dinner. Whatever....
> 
> He told me he isn't getting paid now until at least Friday. I haven't told him I'm out yet... I got him to his airbnb and I plan to text him in the morning. I may pay for one more night.. but I'm just so spent...
> 
> ...


I'm glad you're still on track but it sounds like you're falling for his lines. He probably sensed you are pulling back and tonight was his play to pull you back. Tears? Really? I don't buy it for a second.

Well, I won't go on a rant about how you shouldn't trust this con man, you know what many here think of him.

You are going to have to make the hard statement some time. Putting it off will let him continue to manipulate you. Here's a copy/paste for you:

"_Mike, I am done with this. You can not come here anymore. I am making a choice to move on without you because we are not compatible. Your airbnb is paid until Wed. I wish you the best of luck. Please don't contact me again_"

You don't need to explain anything. "We are not compatible" says everything you need to say. After that, ignore everything that comes from him. Delete it. Don't talk to him or try to explain.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> People who can't say no attract people who won't let go.


It rhymes so it must be right.

_A twelve pack by 10, homeless again…_


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I agree. So the update tonight is I dropped him at his airbnb...he paid for dinner tonight...said that he got a deposit of a couple hundred dollars and would pay for dinner. Whatever....
> 
> He told me he isn't getting paid now until at least Friday. I haven't told him I'm out yet... I got him to his airbnb and I plan to text him in the morning. I may pay for one more night.. but I'm just so spent...
> 
> ...


You don’t need to explain anything. You’re breaking up. I don’t think you need to overthink it. You need to protect yourself in case he does surprise you by stopping over. But, people break up all the time for much smaller reasons. lol


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I'm glad you're still on track but it sounds like you're falling for his lines. He probably sensed you are pulling back and tonight was his play to pull you back. Tears? Really? I don't buy it for a second.
> 
> Well, I won't go on a rant about how you shouldn't trust this con man, you know what many here think of him.
> 
> ...


But we share the clients...so... we are consistently copied on the same emails and share an upcoming event that I'm now considering NOT attending..to avoid him. Do you think I can say "don't contact me again". 

It is hard ... I'm so emotionally spent.. but I am also wondering how I can continue to watch his communication (even w clients) and continue to hold STRONG.

I just don't even feel attracted to him anymore... I love him as the person I knew... but the allure of him and his intelligence and career.... are all long gone. I realize it's all a house of cards. Unfortunately, I'm one of few who know that and I struggle to be influenced by the impression that he's given OTHERS over the years. But I KNOW the truth!


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

redpandapanda2 said:


> But we share the clients...so... we are consistently copied on the same emails and share an upcoming event that I'm now considering NOT attending..to avoid him. Do you think I can say "don't contact me again".
> 
> It is hard ... I'm so emotionally spent.. but I am also wondering how I can continue to watch his communication (even w clients) and continue to hold STRONG.
> 
> I just don't even feel attracted to him anymore... I love him as the person I knew... but the allure of him and his intelligence and career.... are all long gone. I realize it's all a house of cards. Unfortunately, I'm one of few who know that and I struggle to be influenced by the impression that he's given OTHERS over the years. But I KNOW the truth!


You really have to harden your heart against him. Don't let him affect you, whether it's in emails or conferences or anywhere else. Stand strong and proud for taking a stand for your own benefit.

Shift our thinking from thinking from the impacts to him, to the benefits for you. And then take the steps that are needed.

If you aren't comfortable with "don't contact me again", then add some words "don't contact me on personal matters again".

That's my opinion, I don't trust him and I think he will use and abuse you. You are feeling it already and your bank account is feeling it too. He is not a good guy. He has made a messy bed financially and in personal habits (drinking, ex-wife, etc). It's _right_ that he has to deal with all of that. And if he can fix things then I hope the best for him. But you trying to fix it for him does neither of you any good and sets you up for misery.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The goal is always when love becomes indifference. At that point, they matter about as much as anyone else you once knew but no longer want in your life. You don’t necessarily dislike them but you are just done. Totally and completely done. I don’t know how much work it will take for you to get there. Maybe you already are. If not, focus on that since he’s going to remain as a sharer of clients.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ccpowerslave said:


> It rhymes so it must be right.
> 
> _A twelve pack by 10, homeless again…_


It's a Gavin de Becker quote. He's a security expert.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's a Gavin de Becker quote. He's a security expert.


Mine was from me but I think it holds up in this case. Lord knows I like drinking too but I handle my business.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

Openminded said:


> The goal is always when love becomes indifference. At that point, they matter about as much as anyone else you once knew but no longer want in your life. You don’t necessarily dislike them but you are just done. Totally and completely done. I don’t know how much work it will take for you to get there. Maybe you already are. If not, focus on that since he’s going to remain as a sharer of clients.


I think I am just emotionally attached right now. I need to break the attachment. I have (for years) felt as if he was a friend who would always have my back... probably more of a fallacy or imagined safety net than anything else at this point.

So it's going to take a bit of undoing... and breaking of that habit. I can honestly say while he's an extremely attractive and very smart, charismatic man...I'm no longer attracted to him. When we first became a couple...I was over the moon. But, when my respect was compromised...everything else fell apart...not to mention seeing someone drinking that heavily...that does some damage to their perceived competence. 

It's just going to be tough to get past the fallacies. He is not what I thought ...and unfortunately, I don't think he will ever be that person.... even when he has millions.... he will still be the binge drinker who lied to me about his ex wife...and begged me for survival and bilked me out of a lot of money and energy. That can't be undone.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Let me weigh in here as the wife of two alcoholics. Both of them are dead, but I can tell you that "binge drinking" is oftentimes just another version of alcoholism. The guy had 10 beers in the morning. Yep, that's an alcoholic. 

You can tell him you're very uncomfortable with his drinking, and suggest he seek help for it. You can tell him you just want to be friends because you aren't ready for anything more right now. See where I'm going with this? You aren't point-blank blaming him. You're softening it a bit by letting him know you care - but you want to care from a distance. There's a way to finesse this so he won't go totally berserk.

And I'm mentioning the drinking because there's a whole lot more to alcoholism than getting drunk. How can you tell when an alcoholic is lying? Their lips are moving and sounds are coming out. Oftentimes, they are quite charming. They are also quite predatory. Remember that. I disengaged from two alkies. And I did it by knowing how to soften it just enough to appeal to their massive egos. Another one of my favorite A.A. sayings: "An alcoholic is a raging egomaniac with a massive insecurity complex." That's pretty much what you're dealing with. Use your HEAD and leave your emotions out of it.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

You're never doing a man a favor by trying to prop him up or make up for his inadequacies. Or even just tolerating them. 

Even if this guy does make his million dollars he won't be grateful and get attached to you or what you've done. If anything he'll resent you.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Gabriel said:


> Then, call your 2 clients. Be up front and tell them Mike might be calling to say some negative things about you. Tell them they will not be true. I'd not give them private details about his drinking, homelessness, etc. Keep it brief. You can say that you would like to continue working for them, and that if Mike is doing a great job, you'd encourage them to keep working with Mike also. But you wanted to give them the courtesy of a heads up, that Mike may call. If they ask what's going on, then you can say it's personal. Keep it pretty basic, otherwise you can become the bad guy real fast, spreading gossip.


 try put yourself in the shoes of the 2 clients for a little , a woman agent phones you and gives you this type tip off what would you do or think ? 
If she phoned me with that story I would stop doing affairs with her , 

I don't know how she can protect herself and her clients ,
i think she is chough between a rock and a hard place


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> try put yourself in the shoes of the 2 clients for a little , a woman agent phones you and gives you this type tip off what would you do or think ?
> If she phoned me with that story I would stop doing affairs with her ,
> 
> I don't know how she can protect herself and her clients ,
> i think she is chough between a rock and a hard place


Yea, agree.
The best thing is to remain normal and professional. If Mike starts chatting about her then he will look petty and cheap as long as she remains professional.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

if she advised the clients to stay working with Mike 
and the deal went wrong where there is a lot of money involved they would go after Mike and if they get wind of that Mike has nothing they would go after her for advising them to work with him and covering up important info


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I would have dumped his worthless ass back when he pulled the disappearing trick when the dinner bill came the SECOND time. I have absolutely zero patience for losers who live off women - especially divorced women who have to support themselves. He's like having a parasite constantly feeding off of you.

I quit reading about halfway in. I already *knew* he was a loser when you told us all how many times you let this parasite mooch dinner off you and left you with the bill. I didn't need to read any more than that but amazingly, I see you actually let him move in and he's STILL mooching. Shocker.

The guy is a drunk, a loser, a parasite, a liar, a scammer, a fraud, and a pig. I don't understand why you need US to tell you that. I honestly don't.

Buy Diamond Jim Brady a ONE-WAY plane ticket back to wherever rock he slithered out from and be DONE with this alcoholic.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Diamond Jim Brady


TIL something new.




__





Loading…






en.wikipedia.org


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> TIL something new.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


As I've inquired more over the past few days...I realized that after THIS payday comes...(which now sounds like it will be about 25k NOT 100k) in the next few days... he has no other payouts/distributions until January.

So, I'm understanding things a bit more now... as I've inquired about his business model. When those companies that he raises money for SELL ... then he gets paid handsomely on the back end. BUT, until he has another company to raise capital for, he has very little to live off of. He gets paid a portion of "fees" up front when the capital round closes... and then equity in the company. So, the million dollar payout is when a company he raised capital for TWO YEARS ago sells...and that could be next fall, 2024 ...or ___. Until then, it seems he will get about $25k in the next week. And then NOTHING on tap until January.

I guess $25k could go a long way if you are living off of someone like me... BUT, it evaporates FAST for someone like me...with a business to run, a child to feed and clothe, and letting a scammer leech off of me! 

So, even IF I was going to try to stay with him.. (which I'm not!) I realize he's STILL in a bad spot...even when his $25k comes in... and he's most certainly not going to write a check for $7500 to ME ...to pay me back when he's only got that to last him until... whenever. 

THIS is why he's been living with his ex wife.....and THIS is why he's broke and without a car. It's beginning to make sense now. 

I'm guessing the minute he knows I'm truly not going to help him further... he will sell off some of his real estate....as fast as he can to get $100 or $200k to last him. He will have no choice.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I know someone like him — from a very far distance. That’s just how they live and they’ll take you down if you let them. He’ll probably talk his way back into his exW’s life. The important thing is he won’t be in your life.


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## visionary (Mar 4, 2020)

redpandapanda2 said:


> As I've inquired more over the past few days...I realized that after THIS payday comes...(which now sounds like it will be about 25k NOT 100k) in the next few days... he has no other payouts/distributions until January.
> 
> So, I'm understanding things a bit more now... as I've inquired about his business model. When those companies that he raises money for SELL ... then he gets paid handsomely on the back end. BUT, until he has another company to raise capital for, he has very little to live off of. He gets paid a portion of "fees" up front when the capital round closes... and then equity in the company. So, the million dollar payout is when a company he raised capital for TWO YEARS ago sells...and that could be next fall, 2024 ...or ___. Until then, it seems he will get about $25k in the next week. And then NOTHING on tap until January.
> 
> ...


My recommendation is to not even care about his problems anymore. How much money he has, when he gets it, etc. This should no longer be your concern, and it never should have been. 

Can you formulate a back-up plan to gain new clients if it happens to go south with the ones you share?

I'd recommend reading "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad. Mike may not have NPD or BPD, but he sure sounds like a manipulative narc. Based on what I've read of your patterns, this book could really help draw your attention to your own self-effacing tendencies and help you learn to assert your boundaries. I haven't been in the position to be so generous financially, but I've certainly sacrificed my soul for these types. 

You seem really bright and I think you'll learn a lot from this. But seriously.... please stop caring about him immediately.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

visionary said:


> please stop caring about him immediately.


This ^^^ 100%
Quoted for emphasis.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

redpandapanda2 said:


> As I've inquired more over the past few days...I realized that after THIS payday comes...(which now sounds like it will be about 25k NOT 100k) in the next few days... he has no other payouts/distributions until January.
> 
> So, I'm understanding things a bit more now... as I've inquired about his business model. When those companies that he raises money for SELL ... then he gets paid handsomely on the back end. BUT, until he has another company to raise capital for, he has very little to live off of. He gets paid a portion of "fees" up front when the capital round closes... and then equity in the company. So, the million dollar payout is when a company he raised capital for TWO YEARS ago sells...and that could be next fall, 2024 ...or ___. Until then, it seems he will get about $25k in the next week. And then NOTHING on tap until January.
> 
> ...


I think you're trying to make sense of what he has been telling you, but he's just giving more word salads to keep the door open with you. I'd tell him it's over, etc...but know that he will desperately try to pull at your heart strings. Crying, and carrying on, like he has been already in other instances. You just have to remain strong. Good luck and hope that it goes smoothly, and he just leaves you alone.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

frenchpaddy said:


> if she advised the clients to stay working with Mike
> and the deal went wrong where there is a lot of money involved they would go after Mike and if they get wind of that Mike has nothing they would go after her for advising them to work with him and covering up important info


But that's not what I said. I said IF they feel he's doing a good job. It's the client's decision. She should not encourage a client to fire him because of personal information that she knows. If he's doing a good job for the client, even while living on a couch, there's no reason for them to fire him. Mike has a right to earn a living, despite the personal situation they have.

My other advice, which she can take or leave, comes from experience. IMHO, it's better to get out ahead of things. If she does it very professionally, it can save the client relationship. I'm aware it's quite delicate. It has to be done right. Saying nothing is of course a perfectly fine option. Both action and inaction come with its own set of risks.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I'm guessing the minute he knows I'm truly not going to help him further... he will sell off some of his real estate....as fast as he can to get $100 or $200k to last him. He will have no choice.


And THIS means he is a mooch. He has ways to sustain himself.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Gabriel said:


> You can say that you would like to continue working for them, and that if Mike is doing a great job, you'd encourage them to keep working with Mike also.


 just so no one can say i am making stuff up about what you posted this is the post 


Gabriel said:


> But that's not what I said. I said IF they feel he's doing a good job. It's the client's decision. She should not encourage a client to fire him because of personal information that she knows. If he's doing a good job for the client, even while living on a couch, there's no reason for them to fire him. Mike has a right to earn a living, despite the personal situation they have.


 yes Mick has the right to work but if she in your words "encourage them to keep working with Mike also " the op wound be liable , she would be better off to loose the 2 deals if she is under any risk of they coming back on her


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Gabriel said:


> My other advice, which she can take or leave, comes from experience. IMHO, it's better to get out ahead of things. If she does it very professionally, it can save the client relationship. I'm aware it's quite delicate. It has to be done right. Saying nothing is of course a perfectly fine option. Both action and inaction come with its own set of risks.


very true she is not in a good place and needs to distance herself in all ways from mike


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

@redpandapanda2 You're going to have to tell him sometime. Did you do that yet?
It's better for your personal anxiety levels if you rip the bandaid off.

And don't try to soften the message up, that will be confusing and he will think there's a chance if he can only convince you. Be clear about it.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I think I am just emotionally attached right now. I need to break the attachment. I have (for years) felt as if he was a friend who would always have my back... probably more of a fallacy or imagined safety net than anything else at this point.
> 
> So it's going to take a bit of undoing... and breaking of that habit. I can honestly say while he's an extremely attractive and very smart, charismatic man...I'm no longer attracted to him. When we first became a couple...I was over the moon. But, when my respect was compromised...everything else fell apart...not to mention seeing someone drinking that heavily...that does some damage to their perceived competence.
> 
> It's just going to be tough to get past the fallacies. He is not what I thought ...and unfortunately, I don't think he will ever be that person.... even when he has millions.... he will still be the binge drinker who lied to me about his ex wife...and begged me for survival and bilked me out of a lot of money and energy. That can't be undone.


Can you share how long you've known him and then how long you've been romantic?

Maybe I am just a cold bastard, but I find it much easier to detach from people, and this would be a no-brainer for me. But I probably don't fully appreciate the length of your relationship.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> TIL something new.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Never heard of this person before. Wow, what an obscure reference!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You mention that he has assets in property so why hasn't he sold them to get his own place and money to live on?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> You mention that he has assets in property so why hasn't he sold them to get his own place and money to live on?


Greed and no character combined with zero ability to plan for his own survival. He’d rather mooch off anyone that lets him than do the work to live on his own.

OR

those assets don’t exist.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

The classic online scam is pretending you have money tied up in assets (that don't exist) in order to mooch from other people. Wake the hell up.

Get him out of your life totally.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> The classic online scam is pretending you have money tied up in assets (that don't exist) in order to mooch from other people. Wake the hell up.
> 
> Get him out of your life totally.


I totally understand what you mean...but I am around his colleagues and I know first hand the assets EXIST. Some of the company owners are my clients too. BUT, when they sell the company is up for debate. I also heard him actively turning down an offer to finance a loan based off his shares and he declined because he said the terms were not good enough... 

So... that's why I think he will end up doing that after all...when I'm not involved any further.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

It wouldn't matter to me, if he has a decent income or not - his life as you see it, is a mess. And that affects your life directly. Whatever he has been doing over the years, he isn't very good at it, if he needs to live off others. Has no car. Has to live parttime with his ex-wife. (if that's even true) So, whether he has a windfall of cash coming in soon, or none at all...he needs to go. lol 

I think you're still stuck on his story, and truthfully...his story doesn't matter at all. He's a hot mess, plus he's an alcoholic, and all the rest is just white noise, in my opinion.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I totally understand what you mean...but I am around his colleagues and I know first hand the assets EXIST. Some of the company owners are my clients too. BUT, when they sell the company is up for debate. I also heard him actively turning down an offer to finance a loan based off his shares and he declined because he said the terms were not good enough...
> 
> So... that's why I think he will end up doing that after all...when I'm not involved any further.


He may not be a con man, but he sure is a crappy business man if he can't manage his cash flow to the point of being on the street. That is on top of being a liar, cheater and alcoholic. Not someone I would want to associate with or trust with my money.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He is just using other people. He is no one to be associated with personally or financially.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

we take people we work with out to dinner if one drank like him it would be end of contract and we don't have big money to invest but then we don't have big money to loose if it goes wrong 


BigDaddyNY said:


> He may not be a con man, but he sure is a crappy business man if he can't manage his cash flow to the point of being on the street. That is on top of being a liar, cheater and alcoholic. Not someone I would want to associate with or trust with my money.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It’s possible that he never told his exW about you and she kicked him out for other reasons. Users don’t stop using unless they can’t anymore and maybe she knows that now. My guess is that he’s burned his fair share of people over the years.


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

Every one of your dating stories sounds like a different ex boyfriend of my wife.

This guy reminds me of the Dirty John podcast.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You were dating a man without a home or a car……… with a drinking problem…..,,, that you were literally buying dinner for in dates.

yeah, I think there are better prospects out there.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@redpandapanda2, 

Let me put this into perspective for you. It's kind of easy, really. Back in 2017 my Dear Hubby passed away and I was single. I had my own job and was far from rich, but I did not spend more than I made, I had very little debt (some but truly not much), and I owned the assets I had. In other words, even being pretty poor, I was financially responsible for myself and others. A person who has character might find themselves temporarily unemployed or be in a bit of a financial bind, but they would take care of it themselves. 

So just the fact that he has no money, no home, no car...I don't care if he is a "well-respected" person in his field. If he were a person of character, he would NOT expect a GF to pay his way! He'd figure out his own finances!! And if he can't afford to "wine and dine" you, he'd be honest and say "I can afford to cook you dinner at my place" instead of expecting you to foot the bill. As far as his exW "kicking him out"--come on girl! He was living with another woman and didn't tell you...and now he has not made his own arrangements for his own place. AND he drinks to excess! What exactly is his appeal? 

Let me remind you of something: 

Feb 2021 "55 M with 45F BF of 4 Months wants strange men to watch us"
April 2021 "55 M (same guy) stalked by a guy that he invited back into our hotel room"
May 2021 "I disclosed that my BF (same 55 M) was trying to cheat on me with a man"
Dec 2021 "BF of 1 year + (same 55 M) Ghosted me on Christmas Eve/Day"
June 2022 "Pilot BF keeps leaving me and flying to other cities" (after dating for 2 months)
Nov 2022 "47 BF is temporarily out of money and homeless"
You've dated a homosexual man for more than a year, a narcissist for several months, and now a homeless alcoholic. I think your picker is broken. I'd strongly suggest some individual counseling (IC) to get to the bottom of why you keep picking men who abuse you and mistreat you.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Affaircare said:


> @redpandapanda2,
> 
> Let me put this into perspective for you. It's kind of easy, really. Back in 2017 my Dear Hubby passed away and I was single. I had my own job and was far from rich, but I did not spend more than I made, I had very little debt (some but truly not much), and I owned the assets I had. In other words, even being pretty poor, I was financially responsible for myself and others. A person who has character might find themselves temporarily unemployed or be in a bit of a financial bind, but they would take care of it themselves.
> 
> ...


Holy Horror Story Batman! 

Note to self: _Always_ read the history!


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Holy Horror Story Batman!
> 
> Note to self: _Always_ read the history!


I am human...and yes, I've struggled with relationships. But, I'm doing my best to rid myself of this latest nightmare. Just need to stay strong...


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I am human...and yes, I've struggled with relationships. But, I'm doing my best to rid myself of this latest nightmare. Just need to stay strong...


Seems like you are a “rescuer”.

Been there done that. Setting boundaries for what madness you will and won’t allow to exist n your life is the best way to fix that. Or at least slow it down.

Rescuing is hard to stop and maybe you shouldn’t stop. Somebody has to have compassion for the underprivileged of the world. So… donate to the charity of your choice. But leave broken men alone.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Affaircare said:


> @redpandapanda2, Let me put this into perspective for you. It's kind of easy, really. Back in 2017 my Dear Hubby passed away and I was single. I had my own job and was far from rich, but I did not spend more than I made, I had very little debt (some but truly not much), and I owned the assets I had. In other words, even being pretty poor, I was financially responsible for myself and others. A person who has character might find themselves temporarily unemployed or be in a bit of a financial bind, but they would take care of it themselves.
> 
> So just the fact that he has no money, no home, no car...I don't care if he is a "well-respected" person in his field. If he were a person of character, he would NOT expect a GF to pay his way! He'd figure out his own finances!! And if he can't afford to "wine and dine" you, he'd be honest and say "I can afford to cook you dinner at my place" instead of expecting you to foot the bill. As far as his exW "kicking him out"--come on girl! He was living with another woman and didn't tell you...and now he has not made his own arrangements for his own place. AND he drinks to excess! What exactly is his appeal?
> 
> ...


I agree with all of this that @Affaircare wrote. I knew about the pilot, but think I maybe missed the other posts, but yeah, I also feel like your picker has gotten off-course. Nothing wrong with that, for a short time, anyways. You just need to step back and realize that you can do so much better. My picker used to be broken too; I'd gotten married to an emotionally abusive man, gotten divorced, and then found some really stellar dudes who pretty much were interested in only 1 thing. I wanted the whole meal deal, so I sat down with myself (and a large cuppa coffee (i.e., the juice of life)), and made a list of qualities that would be nice to have in a partner. Then I narrowed it down to about 3-4 must have qualities and a couple nice to have qualities. And then I focused my search for a man who had those qualities. He's out there, you just have to have patience and be a little open-minded. And don't settle!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

redpandapanda2 said:


> ... I'm doing my best to rid myself of this latest nightmare. Just need to stay strong.


You are in dire need of professional counseling. No matter how "strong" you stay, you really need to get to the bottom of why you keep getting involved with these undesirables. I'm afraid without help, you may just find yourself in another mess a few months from now.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I am human...and yes, I've struggled with relationships. But, I'm doing my best to rid myself of this latest nightmare. Just need to stay strong...


What you need to do is just get all his crap out of your place, if he has any, change the locks, tell him never to contact you again IN WRITING in case you have to get a restraining order later, and then block him from all your social media, email and phone. You are FAR too tolerant. That's not a good thing. Having boundaries and standards is a good thing. Then you attract others with boundaries and standards.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I am human...and yes, I've struggled with relationships. But, I'm doing my best to rid myself of this latest nightmare. Just need to stay strong...


@redpandapanda2 when I wrote the things that I did, I'm sure it stung, and I didn't mean it to be hurtful, but rather truthful. If you put it out there in black and white sometimes you look at it and say "Holy Smoke! What am I doing?" 

I was in your exact shoes once. I was a young lady (in my mid-20s) and met a guy who seemed to have some money he'd fling around...then it would go dry...then have money he'd fling around... I thought he was cute and we dated a bit, but I wasn't really very serious about him. Next thing I knew, he moved a few things into my apartment. Then a few more things. Then he was staying overnight. Then he was having people call him at my apartment. Then he was having people stop by at my apartment to see him. At no time did we discuss being BF/GF, being exclusive, or living together--and I sure as heck didn't invite him to live with me!! I started to get a little pissed about it. THEN come to find out, his "business" was selling weed! 

OH. MY. GOSH. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I asked him to leave and he was like "Where will I go?" and "But .. but ... but" and he kept trying to essentially return things to where he lived with me. So you know what I did? I didn't "nice" my way out of it. I didn't gradually get rid of him. I didn't "break up with him without hurting his feelings." I kicked him and his stuff out the door! I told complex security that I had asked him to leave and he had refused. I ask my landlord for assistance because I was paying the rent and I was their client!! I put his stuff on the lawn and locked my door. And when he came back and was pounding on the door, I called complex security, and they escorted him out of the apartment complex. When I got phone calls from his "clients" or they showed up at my door, I told them he was gone, to get lost and to leave me alone, or I would speak to security and the police if I had to. (If they left me alone, I didn't try to tell them what to do--I just made it clear they weren't doing that here or with me). 

@redpandapanda2 you don't have to be an asshole. I'm not condoning acting mean or horrible to him. I AM advocating that you love yourself more, and let him know that from this point forward, any man who is dating you is going to be paying his own way 100%. Like they say at the bar at closing time: "You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here." LOL When he comes up with "Where will I go?" and "But ... but ... but ..." just tell him he's a fully grown adult and he can figure out his own issues, but you aren't paying for him anymore...not ONE RED CENT. 

I doubt he'll ever pay you back. Think of this as a $7500 lesson: $7500 that you could have put into bettering yourself and your life! Then consider investing in yourself and going to IC so you can discover why you put so little value in loving yourself.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, you’re human and make mistakes (we all do) but you keep repeating the same dating pattern — unsuitable men. You need to figure out what makes you so susceptible to them and why you keep giving them chance after chance. I’ve always been a generous person. But I limit that generosity to my family. Why? Because long ago I was generous to the wrong person. I learned my lesson. Hopefully you’ve learned yours.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

@redpandapanda2 How did it go today?

Did you make any progress removing Mike from your life?

I'm hoping the best for you.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> @redpandapanda2 How did it go today?
> 
> Did you make any progress removing Mike from your life?
> 
> I'm hoping the best for you.


Thanks -- it's been QUITE an evening. I dropped him at the hotel and I told him after I left via text that I'm sorry, but I can no longer pay. I said I am very strapped myself and I have my son to focus on. And that went haywire fast. He said that I'm a liar...he should have never trusted me. That he "shouldn't have to date single moms". That he can't believe I "dumped him at a hotel and shielded him from my son". 

I told him he was being rude and to stop and that I wished him well. Then the insults continued via text and I finally snapped and said, "you called me pathetic, made fun of the fact that I'm a single mom, lied BLATANTLY to me and led a double life while w your ex wife, took advantage of my kindness ...THOUSANDS of dollars given to you...and couldn't even flush the damn toilet" and you are now a LIABILITY to me...and I'm done!"

He kept insulting me...via text and then this morning I woke up to a screen shot of his bank account with only 50 bucks in it...saying he has no means to survive and asked to BORROW 400 dollars. Sent me his Zelle bank info. Then said he wouldn't contact me further if he could just have that to get another night at the hotel.

I sent him the money and he replied with "thank you , but it's pretty pathetic that you won't talk to me. You are pathetic. Then said he thought I was more emotionally stable than this.. and that now I'm fu**ing him up in the process"

I haven't replied. and I won't ... but, WOWWWWWWW is all I have to say. WOWWWWW. He has SOME NERVE!


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Thanks -- it's been QUITE an evening. I dropped him at the hotel and I told him after I left via text that I'm sorry, but I can no longer pay. I said I am very strapped myself and I have my son to focus on. And that went haywire fast. He said that I'm a liar...he should have never trusted me. That he "shouldn't have to date single moms". That he can't believe I "dumped him at a hotel and shielded him from my son".
> 
> I told him he was being rude and to stop and that I wished him well. Then the insults continued via text and I finally snapped and said, "you called me pathetic, made fun of the fact that I'm a single mom, lied BLATANTLY to me and led a double life while w your ex wife, took advantage of my kindness ...THOUSANDS of dollars given to you...and couldn't even flush the damn toilet" and you are now a LIABILITY to me...and I'm done!"
> 
> ...


Nice job @redpandapanda2 ! His true colors are clearly visible now!

Beware...you sent him money once, he will be back. Brace yourself for that!

Practice typing this: "Go To Hell"


Now you need to focus on your own healing. Call up that counselor. Have a chat with them, talk about your history and this last loser.
You need emotional support right now, and a harder look at your men choices. IC would be good for you.

Wish you the best!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I wish you had a friend with a large stout oak 2x4 to use in you for sending him 400$.

it hurts to read that after seeing how he reacted and that he called you pathetic and that he “shouldn’t have to date single moms”.

I swear, that is PAINFUL that you weren’t steeled against that crazy dude and didn’t laugh in his face when he asked for the 400.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> I wish you had a friend with a large stout oak 2x4 to use in you for sending him 400$.
> 
> it hurts to read that after seeing how he reacted and that he called you pathetic and that he “shouldn’t have to date single moms”.
> 
> I swear, that is PAINFUL that you weren’t steeled against that crazy dude and didn’t laugh in his face when he asked for the 400.


You definitely are not wrong...I know! But, I just wanted to have peace that he could at least get through today. But, I'm done. My charity case is closed. 

And yes, I have some work to do on myself as to why I helped so much in the first place. 

I'm sad... and I'm also angry. Someone who I had thought so much of ..at one point...has turned into THIS. It's shocking ...that's for sure. He has so many people in his ecosystem...and he just did everything he could to manipulate ME... "I shouldn't have to date single moms". WOW>>>> 

When I sent the 400 dollars, I said remember it's this "pathetic single mom who is paying your bill AGAIN.."


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

redpandapanda2 said:


> You definitely are not wrong...I know! But, I just wanted to have peace that he could at least get through today. But, I'm done. My charity case is closed.
> 
> And yes, I have some work to do on myself as to why I helped so much in the first place.
> 
> ...


Don't beat yourself up too much. You paid to make the problem go away. It's done, move on. Just don't do it again. Prep to use those words, 'GTH'.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

Yikes. It’s unfathomable to me that you sent him more money. Can we be friends? Wink wink. Stop reading his texts and taking his abuse. You just gave him $400 and he followed up by calling you pathetic. _What a great guy. How can you possibly feel bad for him??? _


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He showed you in about as clearly as I’ve ever seen, that he is a scumbag that uses people. I hope this guy is homeless, he deserves it.
What he told you—— I’d have wiped the dirt off my shoes, turned and walked away, and immediately blocked him.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Thanks -- it's been QUITE an evening. I dropped him at the hotel and I told him after I left via text that I'm sorry, but I can no longer pay. I said I am very strapped myself and I have my son to focus on. And that went haywire fast. He said that I'm a liar...he should have never trusted me. That he "shouldn't have to date single moms". That he can't believe I "dumped him at a hotel and shielded him from my son".
> 
> I told him he was being rude and to stop and that I wished him well. Then the insults continued via text and I finally snapped and said, "you called me pathetic, made fun of the fact that I'm a single mom, lied BLATANTLY to me and led a double life while w your ex wife, took advantage of my kindness ...THOUSANDS of dollars given to you...and couldn't even flush the damn toilet" and you are now a LIABILITY to me...and I'm done!"
> 
> ...


WTF are you doing still sending money to this turd? I genuinely hope you are in some kind of IC to understand why you've been willing to put up with this kind of behavior.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> He showed you in about as clearly as I’ve ever seen, that he is a scumbag that uses people. I hope this guy is homeless, he deserves it.
> What he told you—— I’d have wiped the dirt off my shoes, turned and walked away, and immediately blocked him.


I agree! He totally deserves it! Wow... nothing like abusing the hand that is feeding you...literally!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> _*TIL something new.*_
> *
> 
> 
> ...


Oh boy am I showing my age. My mom always used that expression about cheap or poor men (she passed away only 4 years ago). I've heard her say it occasionally over the years and I tend to forget that youngins wouldn't know who that is. 🤣


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Oh boy am I showing my age. My mom always used that expression about cheap or poor men (she passed away only 4 years ago). I've heard her say it occasionally over the years and I tend to forget that youngins wouldn't know who that is. 🤣


Love being called a 'youngin' 
Don't hear that much nowadays.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You know now what he really thinks of you. He’s not grateful in the least for all you’ve given him — he’s just angry that you aren’t continuing. And since you agreed to send that last $400 he’s probably not done yet so be on your guard. He may still show up at your door. After this is finally over you need to take a long vacation from men and learn how to not attract users.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Thanks -- it's been QUITE an evening. I dropped him at the hotel and I told him after I left via text that I'm sorry, but I can no longer pay. I said I am very strapped myself and I have my son to focus on. And that went haywire fast. He said that I'm a liar...he should have never trusted me. That he "shouldn't have to date single moms". That he can't believe I "dumped him at a hotel and shielded him from my son".
> 
> I told him he was being rude and to stop and that I wished him well. Then the insults continued via text and I finally snapped and said, "you called me pathetic, made fun of the fact that I'm a single mom, lied BLATANTLY to me and led a double life while w your ex wife, took advantage of my kindness ...THOUSANDS of dollars given to you...and couldn't even flush the damn toilet" and you are now a LIABILITY to me...and I'm done!"
> 
> ...


Why did you send him more money? 😥 Omg, this guy is scary, at this point. You don't owe him a thing!!!

I see a restraining order in your future with this guy.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You really think — finally — that he has nerve? He’s always had *s the size of Texas. You were just one more mark and he played you the way he does others in his life. I bet his exW (if she really is an ex) could tell you some stories. If he shows up, call 911. Otherwise block him and move on. And be very grateful he didn’t get the opportunity to take you for every penny you have because he would have.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

What an asshole this guy is. 

Why doesn't he go get any job? If he needs cash go get an evening job at Whole Foods or something.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

Openminded said:


> You really think — finally — that he has nerve? He’s always had *s the size of Texas. You were just one more mark and he played you the way he does others in his life. I bet his exW (if she really is an ex) could tell you some stories. If he shows up, call 911. Otherwise block him and move on. And be very grateful he didn’t get the opportunity to take you for every penny you have because he would have.


Yeah, he's definitely history --- but he can't stop with the insults. I haven't blocked him yet, because honestly his messages only strengthen my anger and resolve.

He said he will "never forgive me for this". that I'm "fu**ing crazy" 

"I'll never forgive you for this -- and I've made sure PEOPLE ARE WATCHING" 

Then said "if I get hurt...WE get hurt." Said he was going to share my texts with people.... I'm like...FINE...let them know I was feeling used after paying your bills and then some! 

Said he hated my city anyway..."you live in such a sh*thole of a city...no wonder you are miserable" 

I'm just like...wow.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Yeah, he's definitely history --- but he can't stop with the insults. I haven't blocked him yet, because honestly his messages only strengthen my anger and resolve.
> 
> He said he will "never forgive me for this". that I'm "fu**ing crazy"
> 
> ...


 It you just sent him 400$ MORE!!!!!!!

can you hate on me a little? I’ll send my address 🤭. This guy sounds dangerous. 
I’d block him and carry a heater in case he shows up.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I WOULD just block him , and not have sent him a penny tramp


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think that you need to block him, and change your locks asap. And if he shows up unannounced, call the police. For real, this guy sounds unhinged, and the other side that you fell for, was just an act to use you and your money. 

If you keep replying, even with negative responses, he takes that as he still has your attention, and it's all too fresh right now, for you to be strong enough not to respond. You even gave him more money. You don't owe him anything, not money, not an explanation.

People break up every day. For reasons that are less than this. I hope you block him, and don't worry about what he may say to others. You can always share your side. You'll heal if you go no contact. You won't begin to heal if you keep replying. He doesn't care what you have to say, he only cares to keep you replying so he can wear you down for more money. 

Sorry this happened to you, but learn from it and move forward.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I was so surprised that you sent him more money, plus block him asap.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

redpandapanda2 said:


> When I sent the 400 dollars, I said *remember it's this "pathetic single mom who is paying your bill AGAIN..*"


I have to confess--I cheered a little when I read this. 

You know, @redpandapanda2, he can fuss and fume and threaten all he wants, but after taking you to the tune of $7900 he's calling you names and being verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive. That's all you need to know. He's treating you in a loving way.

I would strongly encourage you to go ahead and block him on your phone and in social media, and you may want to alert your mutual clients in a neutral way. They don't need to be pulled into your personal drama, but he does sound like a "user" and thus he may try to "use" them. Maybe inform them that he owes you almost $8k and without more documented terms and agreements, you weren't willing to continue to loan him more money...something non-accusatory like that. Then, if they do hear something snarky from him, they'll know some level of truth. If they are clients you value, it may be a bit of your duty to at least give them some warning.

And I say yet again: block him. You don't need his name calling and abuse in your life. You did a fiscally responsible thing to protect yourself and your son. He is the one who's not being financially responsible. Don't let his voice resonate in your head--block him and then talk back to that voice!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Block him now. This a con man who is shifting tactics to see what works and you're still engaging and feeding into it.

I went through this with my own sister. Think about this....the guy sent you a screenshot of his bank account. How is that your ****ing problem?

The abuse will continue as long as he has an inkling that you'll respond. Block him and get a RO if necessary. Sanding him that money was a TERRIBLE move but I've done the same thing with my sister. I finally cut her off and ignored her and eventually the harassment stopped.
This is classic abuser stuff....you're a ****ing *****/I shouldn't have trusted you/I'm dying/I'm homeless.....could you please send more money? Cur him off. Now.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Keep all his texts, emails etc but don't reply anymore. Don't block him yet and let him keep texting the threats and everything. Then you can take them to the police. Tell the police you helped this guy out because he said he would pay you back, and he ended up owing you $7000 plus and because you aren't able to help him any more he's become abusive, harassing you and you're afraid he will turn up at your door. Find out if you can get your money back also. Tell them you were promised he would pay you back and because you couldn't give him anymore money, he is now harassing you and you are in fear of him. Also change your locks and gather all messages and record any calls if legal to take to the police asap. He sounds very unhinged and dangerous. I'm actually scared for you. Please go police and get this on record and protect yourself.

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

redpandapanda2 said:


> But, I just wanted to have peace that he could at least get through today. But, I'm done. My charity case is closed.


You've been saying that for more than a few days now. Stick to it this time. You can see why.
Block him, but screenshot all of the texts before you do. If he stirs up any crap in your workplace show your clients the texts.
The bit about if "I get hurt we get hurt" I assume was talking about business but there is enough vagueness in that quote that the Police would take it seriously. With the exception of your work issue I would advise you get a restraining order, but that could also make you stay away from the job if he is on it.
This kind of unhinged stuff is exactly why I think every woman should get their concealed carry license and use it.
The feigned offense of you shielding your son from him is absurd and could also be considered a veiled threat.
DO NOT REPLY TO *ANY* OF HIS MESSAGES! He is _persona non grata_.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

redpandapanda2 said:


> You definitely are not wrong...I know! But, I just wanted to have peace that he could at least get through today. But, I'm done. My charity case is closed.
> 
> And yes, I have some work to do on myself as to why I helped so much in the first place.
> 
> ...


He didn't ''turn into'' anything, he was always this. He just hid it. I'd say he's not only a narcissist, but could be a psychopath, and I think @CrAzYdOgLaDy offers great advice. But, you can't reply back, and that will be tough because he knows how to get you to reply.

I think going to the police would be a good idea. I do fear for your safety, too. Not to scare you, but he probably has burned a lot of bridges and is virtually homeless. But, that's not your fault, or problem to solve. I can't help but wonder if his ex-wife lets him crash there, because she is afraid that if she tells him no, what he might do. Ugh 😞

Stay strong.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

*Deidre* said:


> He didn't ''turn into'' anything, he was always this. He just hid it. I'd say he's not only a narcissist, but could be a psychopath, and I think @CrAzYdOgLaDy offers great advice. But, you can't reply back, and that will be tough because he knows how to get you to reply.
> 
> I think going to the police would be a good idea. I do fear for your safety, too. Not to scare you, but he probably has burned a lot of bridges and is virtually homeless. But, that's not your fault, or problem to solve. I can't help but wonder if his ex-wife lets him crash there, because she is afraid that if she tells him no, what he might do. Ugh 😞
> 
> Stay strong.



His former business partner (who is still half in and half out with him) ... told me that he has a flight to Miami tomorrow. He will just swing from one branch to the next.... finding the next person with a wallet. 

I'm just trying to get myself straight. I have really struggled today....already a bottle of wine down the hatch. I need to book myself a trip out of town or a day spa. I have 2 business calls left today ....of course I SHOULD be doing far more work...but I'm giving myself some grace today.

THIS is off the charts insanity.. Of course...it's all my own fault. But I just want to relax... and escape from my own brain! 

I know I did the right thing...I will NOT go down in flames w him!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What he does is insult you because he knows most people will defend themselves and stay engaged. This isn’t his first attempt at manipulating women he’s with. My guess is that you’re only the current one and if you’re lucky he’s already found another mark. In any event, every response encourages him and he’ll continue. I know that game all too well.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Thanks -- it's been QUITE an evening. I dropped him at the hotel and I told him after I left via text that I'm sorry, but I can no longer pay. I said I am very strapped myself and I have my son to focus on. And that went haywire fast. He said that I'm a liar...he should have never trusted me. That he "shouldn't have to date single moms". That he can't believe I "dumped him at a hotel and shielded him from my son".
> 
> I told him he was being rude and to stop and that I wished him well. Then the insults continued via text and I finally snapped and said, "you called me pathetic, made fun of the fact that I'm a single mom, lied BLATANTLY to me and led a double life while w your ex wife, took advantage of my kindness ...THOUSANDS of dollars given to you...and couldn't even flush the damn toilet" and you are now a LIABILITY to me...and I'm done!"
> 
> ...


WOW, he's way more over the top then you wrote him out to be. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that and lose out on that amount of money, but I'm glad that you took steps to remove him from your life. He sounds quite unstable, so if I were you, I would certainly change the locks on my house, and any alarm codes. Block him at every turn, and please stop paying for stuff for him. Even if he does send you a snapshot of his bank account. His financial instability is something that HE got himself into, and it's up to HIM to get himself out of it, not you. You can only help someone so much; they also have to be willing to help themselves.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> Keep all his texts, emails etc but don't reply anymore. Don't block him yet and let him keep texting the threats and everything. Then you can take them to the police. Tell the police you helped this guy out because he said he would pay you back, and he ended up owing you $7000 plus and because you aren't able to help him any more he's become abusive, harassing you and you're afraid he will turn up at your door. Find out if you can get your money back also. Tell them you were promised he would pay you back and because you couldn't give him anymore money, he is now harassing you and you are in fear of him. Also change your locks and gather all messages and record any calls if legal to take to the police asap. He sounds very unhinged and dangerous. I'm actually scared for you. Please go police and get this on record and protect yourself.


This here is what I would do. This dude sounds scary and dangerous, and I think that you need to take steps to protect yourself and your son now. Maybe even consider going to stay with someone for a few days so that he can't find you guys.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

redpandapanda2 said:


> His former business partner (who is still half in and half out with him) ... told me that he has a flight to Miami tomorrow. He will just swing from one branch to the next.... finding the next person with a wallet.
> 
> I'm just trying to get myself straight. I have really struggled today....already a bottle of wine down the hatch. I need to book myself a trip out of town or a day spa. I have 2 business calls left today ....of course I SHOULD be doing far more work...but I'm giving myself some grace today.
> 
> ...


Omg, so I bet that's why he needed the $400. 😦

Don't beat yourself up, there is a Buddhist saying ''the teacher will keep appearing until you learn the lesson.'' I kind of hate that saying lol, because it's applied to some of my poor life choices in the past, too.

So, consider this one of those lessons that will prevent you from letting men like this into your life, again. That's all you can work on going forward...how to never date men like this again. One day at a time, just give yourself grace.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You would have to sue him to get the money back and I doubt you’ll ever find him to have him served. Even if you did and you were to get a judgment against him (he’ll say it was a gift) you likely would never see any of that money. Write it off as a bad investment (that’s what I did) and consider it a valuable lesson learned. And work on not being that trusting going forward. It doesn’t benefit you.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

redpandapanda2 said:


> His former business partner (who is still half in and half out with him) ... told me that he has a flight to Miami tomorrow. He will just swing from one branch to the next.... finding the next person with a wallet.
> 
> I'm just trying to get myself straight. I have really struggled today....already a bottle of wine down the hatch. I need to book myself a trip out of town or a day spa. I have 2 business calls left today ....of course I SHOULD be doing far more work...but I'm giving myself some grace today.
> 
> ...


The 'good' thing is you won't have to fight much to get over him. One quick memory and up comes the anger.

Treat yourself extra-nice for a bit, you need the break from the stress of this whole mess.

Then call that therapist. You gots work to do.

Just puleeze don't tell me you're a Moscato fan 🤮


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

redpandapanda2 said:


> His former business partner (who is still half in and half out with him) ... told me that he has a flight to Miami tomorrow. He will just swing from one branch to the next.... finding the next person with a wallet.
> 
> I'm just trying to get myself straight. I have really struggled today....already a bottle of wine down the hatch. I need to book myself a trip out of town or a day spa. I have 2 business calls left today ....of course I SHOULD be doing far more work...but I'm giving myself some grace today.
> 
> ...


Oh great... we don't want him here. 🤦


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I once decided to help a friend with a short-term loan until her divorce was final. No paperwork because we were friends and I trusted her. Big mistake. She decided the money was a gift and it would have cost more than it was worth to take her to court and try to get repayment. Then she decided to tell everyone we jointly knew that I was demanding money that was given to her freely without expectation of getting back. That was a valuable lesson and the end of my generosity to non-family members. Yes, it’s painful to know that you can be played. I never suspected that I would be but I was. I strongly suggest that you protect yourself in the future. No one else will look out for you if you don’t do it yourself.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> The 'good' thing is you won't have to fight much to get over him. One quick memory and up comes the anger.
> 
> Treat yourself extra-nice for a bit, you need the break from the stress of this whole mess.
> 
> ...


Hey.....dem's fightin' words.

I love Moscato!

OP, please ignore that last sentence


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Hey.....dem's fightin' words.
> 
> I love Moscato!
> 
> OP, please ignore that last sentence


Me too; moscato = num nums


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Thanks -- it's been QUITE an evening. I dropped him at the hotel and I told him after I left via text that I'm sorry, but I can no longer pay. I said I am very strapped myself and I have my son to focus on. And that went haywire fast. He said that I'm a liar...he should have never trusted me. That he "shouldn't have to date single moms". That he can't believe I "dumped him at a hotel and shielded him from my son".
> 
> I told him he was being rude and to stop and that I wished him well. Then the insults continued via text and I finally snapped and said, "you called me pathetic, made fun of the fact that I'm a single mom, lied BLATANTLY to me and led a double life while w your ex wife, took advantage of my kindness ...THOUSANDS of dollars given to you...and couldn't even flush the damn toilet" and you are now a LIABILITY to me...and I'm done!"
> 
> ...


$400 for a hotel night?
When one cannot afford a motel 6.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

@redpandapanda2 

How are you doing?


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I am truly in a jam and don't know what or how to think/proceed. I am hoping for guidance here.
> 
> A former client of mine turned into a long distance friend for the past few years. He told me he had divorced years ago and was living in Las Vegas and building a family office/investment fund.
> 
> ...


Give him 6 months secretly, , give no ultimatum give no money. No sex , no shacking up.see him, but support and watch how he becomes a success to get him out of the jam he is is in. If he doesn't wish him love and good bye. If you treat him like **** now during this dilemma. He gets himself stabilized he will dump and dislike you.
Examine his past history. Red flag, but trust but verify. If you love him, stick around and see.
If you don't love him, leave. 
Read "f$^ck love. And f$#k feelings, very insightful.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

RUN FROM THIS PERSON, I RECANT MY ADVICE. HE ISNT STABLE, BE A FRIEND AND LATER IN TWO YEARS MAYBE DATE, TIME IS TOO SHORT- RUN TO THE HILLS, CUT YOUR LOSSES. YOU DONT NEED A SQUATER AND MONEY LEACH


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## Marsh_Mallow* (2 mo ago)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Thanks -- it's been QUITE an evening. I dropped him at the hotel and I told him after I left via text that I'm sorry, but I can no longer pay. I said I am very strapped myself and I have my son to focus on. And that went haywire fast. He said that I'm a liar...he should have never trusted me. That he "shouldn't have to date single moms". That he can't believe I "dumped him at a hotel and shielded him from my son".
> 
> I told him he was being rude and to stop and that I wished him well. Then the insults continued via text and I finally snapped and said, "you called me pathetic, made fun of the fact that I'm a single mom, lied BLATANTLY to me and led a double life while w your ex wife, took advantage of my kindness ...THOUSANDS of dollars given to you...and couldn't even flush the damn toilet" and you are now a LIABILITY to me...and I'm done!"
> 
> ...


Well done!!!!! That’s so good. Stay strong 💪 
I can’t believe he would say those things to you after all you have done. But that only proves his horrendous character further. Good on you.


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## Marsh_Mallow* (2 mo ago)

redpandapanda2 said:


> His former business partner (who is still half in and half out with him) ... told me that he has a flight to Miami tomorrow. He will just swing from one branch to the next.... finding the next person with a wallet.
> 
> I'm just trying to get myself straight. I have really struggled today....already a bottle of wine down the hatch. I need to book myself a trip out of town or a day spa. I have 2 business calls left today ....of course I SHOULD be doing far more work...but I'm giving myself some grace today.
> 
> ...


Don’t be too hard on yourself. It is not your fault at all. You are a caring person and he took advantage of that. You should be super proud you’ve taken that step to be rid of him. That’s not easy. 
As much as it hurts and makes you sad try to be excited for the future..one without having to look after him.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

oldtruck said:


> $400 for a hotel night?
> When one cannot afford a motel 6.


he must have wanted room service


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I’m guessing the $400 was for the flight to Miami that the OP found out about from his business associate.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

I haven’t read the whole thread yet. But there is a difference between being broke and having a cash flow issue. The guy appears to have a temporary cash flow issue.

It’s not uncommon during a divorce (or essentially that for him, though just a breakup) for one party to financially squeeze the other party.

But this could also be a fraud between him and his (ex) wife to put all the debt on him, all the assets and income with her, and he will file for bankruptcy. Then return to her.

My concern is whether he is truly interested in you. Even if he truly left his (ex) wife, he might not be interested in you as a life partner. If he has millions in cash flow and millions in assets, he probably wants his (ex) wife or he wants a gorgeous, much younger woman - not a female version of himself.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

*Deidre* said:


> I’m guessing the $400 was for the flight to Miami that the OP found out about from his business associate.


I'm struggling a bit this morning..he hasn't reached out at all since his insults AFTER I gave him the money. He had called me several times and I didn't pick up, so that was why he said that he "should have known that I had terrible character" and that I'm "pathetic for not talking to him.." 

Since then...he's been silent. I didn't text or call him last night and stayed strong. It wasn't hard until this morning...but it is because I was thinking in "fantasy" instead of "reality". 

Every time I tell myself the TRUTH, I know that I need to stay away from him. We've just been in contact in some form or fashion for YEARS...as long distance friends. But, of course, over the last couple of months...we were inseparable..of course that's because he MOVED In lol. 

Anyway, I loved him as a person ... then as a romantic partner until I saw his insane level of drinking...and his bizarre behavior when the drinking was underway. And of course...his consistent abuse of my kindness and finances. 

But, overall, this morning, I'm sad. I know he's headed to Miami this morning. and I have to let that go... I don't want him here in Austin with me anymore.. because it was a DAILY problem. 

"Is my son coming tonight? If so, what am I going to do with "Mike"? Where is he going to stay? 

It was a daily issue and worry. He is no longer my problem..


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I'm struggling a bit this morning..he hasn't reached out at all since his insults AFTER I gave him the money. He had called me several times and I didn't pick up, so that was why he said that he "should have known that I had terrible character" and that I'm "pathetic for not talking to him.."
> 
> Since then...he's been silent. I didn't text or call him last night and stayed strong. It wasn't hard until this morning...but it is because I was thinking in "fantasy" instead of "reality".
> 
> ...


That's right!! NOT your problem anymore!! You are doing fantastic!! Men like him will just find someone else to do the same thing to. Good luck with the girls here, though.. a lot of us can smell BS 76 miles away... so to speak. Don't let what he said about your character affect you... The fact that you STILL gave him $400 after the fact says a lot about you... and enough about him.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I'm struggling a bit this morning..he hasn't reached out at all since his insults AFTER I gave him the money. He had called me several times and I didn't pick up, so that was why he said that he "should have known that I had terrible character" and that I'm "pathetic for not talking to him.."
> 
> Since then...he's been silent. I didn't text or call him last night and stayed strong. It wasn't hard until this morning...but it is because I was thinking in "fantasy" instead of "reality".
> 
> ...


When you feel like texting or calling him, come here instead.

It will take some time, but you can get him out of your head. Ignoring his calls is spot on, keep doing that!!

He will keep trying, and probably start love-bombing soon enough.
Brace for it. Remind yourself why you're here.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I'm struggling a bit this morning..he hasn't reached out at all since his insults AFTER I gave him the money. He had called me several times and I didn't pick up, so that was why he said that he "should have known that I had terrible character" and that I'm "pathetic for not talking to him.."
> 
> Since then...he's been silent. I didn't text or call him last night and stayed strong. It wasn't hard until this morning...but it is because I was thinking in "fantasy" instead of "reality".
> 
> ...


He's silent because you don't serve a purpose, anymore. It's really hard I know, when you thought you knew someone, and they're anything but what you thought you knew. We have all been there. Before I dated my husband, I dated quite a few jerks. And I had to realize that I was attracting them, and figure out how to prevent that from happening.

You miss the person you thought he was, but that person is mixed in with this darker side. When men like him go silent, it's because they have found another victim to use/abuse. If he starts blowing up your phone again, that means his latest victim dumped him.

I'd block him. Because that way, you have no idea one way or the other, if he's calling or texting. Trust me, that is the only way to heal from dating someone like him. The less you're staring at your phone, the better. Because right now, you're thinking, _if he reaches out, he must still care_. No, he doesn't care. He cares about himself. And if he reaches out again, it's to see if he can borrow more money from you.

I'm sending you positive vibes today; you can do this. Stay strong. 🍀

As a side note - you should look up narcissism and how narcissists gravitate towards ''empaths.'' You are an empath, and that is a good thing. Unfortunately, the world is filled with people who will take advantage of us empaths. 😌


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

*Deidre* said:


> He's silent because you don't serve a purpose, anymore. It's really hard I know, when you thought you knew someone, and they're anything but what you thought you knew. We have all been there. Before I dated my husband, I dated quite a few jerks. And I had to realize that I was attracting them, and figure out how to prevent that from happening.
> 
> You miss the person you thought he was, but that person is mixed in with this darker side. When men like him go silent, it's because they have found another victim to use/abuse. If he starts blowing up your phone again, that means his latest victim dumped him.
> 
> ...



Thank you! I agree he MUST be a narcissist. One of his FORMER business partners told me last night that "Mike" screwed him and others out of a lot of money. (Probably part of the reason he's flat broke). He had to pay some investors their money back and I am guessing he had already started spending it! 

He said he won't speak to "Mike" again and he even went so far as to call him a "sociopath". He did tell me that "Mike" always talked about how he wanted to be with me...and had his eye on me for a long time... (even while he was actively married). 

Here's what I have to keep coming back to... over the last couple of weeks, I lost attraction to "Mike" even though he's an extremely good looking guy. I found myself wanting to leave the house so I wasn't sitting next to him ALL day long ... and I was getting so annoyed with his level of drinking. And bottom line, his drinking was rubbing off on me and that is NOT good for me. 

I have struggled in the past with self medicating with alcohol... and I was working on myself and healing from that. Surrounding myself with a binge drinker/alcoholic will NEVER serve me (and my son) well ...going forward.

Not to mention.... he has proven to be a liar and a cheater on his wife/ex wife. That could easily be ME some day.... I'm sure she lost attraction to him too due to his behavior and drinking too. 

Thanks again for the support here...


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Thank you! I agree he MUST be a narcissist. One of his FORMER business partners told me last night that "Mike" screwed him and others out of a lot of money. (Probably part of the reason he's flat broke). He had to pay some investors their money back and I am guessing he had already started spending it!
> 
> He said he won't speak to "Mike" again and he even went so far as to call him a "sociopath". He did tell me that "Mike" always talked about how he wanted to be with me...and had his eye on me for a long time... (even while he was actively married).
> 
> ...


You are really putting all the pieces together now.
That's great.

Did you recognize when you were slipping back into self-medicating or is it more of a surprise now in the past couple of weeks?


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> You are really putting all the pieces together now.
> That's great.
> 
> Did you recognize when you were slipping back into self-medicating or is it more of a surprise now in the past couple of weeks?


It's not a surprise...it comes down to the basic rule ..you become what and who you surround yourself with...right?

And I think it was easy for me to drink with him...and then MY Drinking paled in comparison to his...so I began telling myself that I wasn't THAT bad... I'm not like HIM... and that's a slippery slope.

So, I am definitely trying to get that back under control independently... but it also helps me when I look at my list of WHY he and I would not have worked ...that's high up there.

I think he's an alcoholic. He can go sober for weeks...etc. But when he drinks...he drinks HEAVILY! His wife is a Mormon and NEVER drank. And that's why he was forced into sobriety when around her... 

Also, his brother died of alcoholism at the age of 36. 

and he was slipping into a bad pattern around me too...so much so ...he sweats profusely at night.. and in the morning. I know he was reducing it SOME this past week but when I asked if we could go SOBER for 30 days together...that didn't last ONE day. He kept suggesting the wine bar down the street etc.

And to him --ONE bottle of wine just FOR HIM ..is a light night.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

You need to listen to your gut. As soon as you feel something is not right you need to listen to that and move on. You knew something wasn't right with this guy, but kept ignoring all the red flags. Don't do this again.

There are scam artists all over the world. If you have Netflix go and watch "the tinder swindler" it's a documentary about a scam artist who tricked women into giving him a lot of money for a long time. 



https://www.netflix.com/tudum/articles/who-is-tinder-swindler-real-shimon-hayut



Your "ex" is moving on to the next victim for sure.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

pastasauce79 said:


> You need to listen to your gut. As soon as you feel something is not right you need to listen to that and move on. You knew something wasn't right with this guy, but kept ignoring all the red flags. Don't do this again.
> 
> There are scam artists all over the world. If you have Netflix go and watch "the tinder swindler" it's a documentary about a scam artist who tricked women into giving him a lot of money for a long time.
> 
> ...



Yes, I've seen that movie... It's hard because he's not a bad person at the core.. I think he's just wounded and desperate right now. Maybe time will give me more 'anger' over the situation... at least I hope it does.

It's hard when you KNOW someone for years...and then realize he isn't what you truly believed about them. 

I will miss him... in many ways. In fact, today has been a day filled with tears. But, probably because my hopes and dreams were so different than my reality with him.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

This guy says you were pathetic, he shouldn’t have to date single moms, etc., after you provided him with a home, paid for his f’ing meals, and let him freeload off you for months.

He just stole 400$ more from you by manipulation. Stop falling for his Jedi mind tricks. Geez, this guy is a horrible person who bilked A single mom out of thousands of dollars with no conscience whatsoever.

you are pathetic like he says——- if you even consider speaking to him again. He IS a disgrace to men all over.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Yes, I've seen that movie... * It's hard because he's not a bad person at the core.. * I think he's just wounded and desperate right now. Maybe time will give me more 'anger' over the situation... at least I hope it does.
> 
> It's hard when you KNOW someone for years...and then realize he isn't what you truly believed about them.
> 
> I will miss him... in many ways. In fact, today has been a day filled with tears. But, probably because my hopes and dreams were so different than my reality with him.


I respectfully and wholeheartedly DISAGREE.
A good person doesn’t bilk lonely women out of thousands of dollars and move in with them Unrequested


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Yes, I've seen that movie... It's hard because he's not a bad person at the core.. I think he's just wounded and desperate right now. Maybe time will give me more 'anger' over the situation... at least I hope it does.
> 
> It's hard when you KNOW someone for years...and then realize he isn't what you truly believed about them.
> 
> I will miss him... in many ways. In fact, today has been a day filled with tears. But, probably because my hopes and dreams were so different than my reality with him.


You didn't really know him, though, until he moved in. I suspect no one really knows someone (other than siblings, parents, etc) to their core, until they live with them, or are in an intimate relationship. Even friends can fool us, because we're not with them 24/7. So, whatever mask he wears for the world is what you thought he was. Probably, somewhere along the way, he was hurt and became this person, but he is responsible for changing that. No matter how much money you give him, it won't make him grateful. No matter how many chances people give him, he'll only keep using them. Even that guy you mentioned thought he was a sociopath.

Forgive yourself, too. I think some of the anger is stemming from not breaking it off sooner, when you saw the red flags.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

*Deidre* said:


> You didn't really know him, though, until he moved in. I suspect no one really knows someone (other than siblings, parents, etc) to their core, until they live with them, or are in an intimate relationship. Even friends can fool us, because we're not with them 24/7. So, whatever mask he wears for the world is what you thought he was. Probably, somewhere along the way, he was hurt and became this person, but he is responsible for changing that. No matter how much money you give him, it won't make him grateful. No matter how many chances people give him, he'll only keep using them. Even that guy you mentioned thought he was a sociopath.
> 
> Forgive yourself, too. I think some of the anger is stemming from not breaking it off sooner, when you saw the red flags.


A MAJOR part of my problem is the fact that he visited me last November -- he was in town for a conference and I did a TERRIFIC job of setting my boundaries with him. It was only 2 days... and I made sure he stayed at a hotel and told him I had my son that night...which was just to make sure I stayed true to my boundaries.

I wasn't drinking at all at that time...and I remember seeing him drink fairly heavily at brunch and then dinner... and I was astounded about how he spoke about women in such a transactional way. As if I was his "buddy"...that kind of rough around the edges language.. 

And it was non stop bragging about all of his connections etc... and I remember when I dropped him at the airport, I cried. Not because I was going to miss him...mainly because I was so disappointed that he might represent the men that are my 'options' as divorced woman who is 46 years old.

I KNEW THEN -- that he was not good for me. But, somehow after connecting over the past year via text and phone...and talking with him through some of his grief over his brother etc...I lost that awareness.

And the fact that I knowingly let that happen again.... makes me really disappointed in myself. And I have some work to do to find out why I didn't continue to see him for who he IS and was... last fall.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, you have work to do and when the next user shows up hopefully you can pass him by without another thought. Just as I learned a valuable lesson from dealing with my false friend, you have learned a valuable lesson from dealing with yours. There are always plenty of people willing to take advantage of you if you allow them. He won’t be the last one to try but he definitely needs to be the last one that succeeds.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

redpandapanda2 said:


> A MAJOR part of my problem is the fact that he visited me last November -- he was in town for a conference and I did a TERRIFIC job of setting my boundaries with him. It was only 2 days... and I made sure he stayed at a hotel and told him I had my son that night...which was just to make sure I stayed true to my boundaries.
> 
> I wasn't drinking at all at that time...and I remember seeing him drink fairly heavily at brunch and then dinner... and I was astounded about how he spoke about women in such a transactional way. As if I was his "buddy"...that kind of rough around the edges language..
> 
> ...


You’ll get there, and someday, no one will take advantage ever again. Guys like him always show red flags before things get really bad. But you think, it’ll never happen to me or he just hasn’t met the right woman, yet.

I think in our own ways, we’ve all dated a “Mike,” or two. Give yourself grace.

And if you haven’t blocked him yet, make sure you do because your healing process honestly depends on it.🙏


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Not to mention.... he has proven to be a liar and a cheater on his wife/ex wife. That could easily be ME some day....


That WOULD have been you.
He's an abusive, lying, drunk, scam artist. He played you and will again after he let's you 'forget' about what a scumbag he is if you let him. And he will keep using you as long as you let him, he's made that completely obvious to you.


redpandapanda2 said:


> One of his FORMER business partners told me last night that "Mike" screwed him and others out of a lot of money.


I told you way up the thread he was bilking others too. You will likely start discovering more of that and that he's steadily burning bridges.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Thank you! I agree he MUST be a narcissist. One of his FORMER business partners told me last night that "Mike" screwed him and others out of a lot of money. (Probably part of the reason he's flat broke). He had to pay some investors their money back and I am guessing he had already started spending it!
> 
> He said he won't speak to "Mike" again and he even went so far as to call him a "sociopath". He did tell me that "Mike" always talked about how he wanted to be with me...and had his eye on me for a long time... (even while he was actively married).
> 
> ...


the fact you were keeping him away from your son was proof you were not happy and did not trust him as much as you thought you did , it was the first thing I saw when you started posting


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> the fact you were keeping him away from your son was proof you were not happy and did not trust him as much as you thought you did , it was the first thing I saw when you started posting


Thank you so much for the replies. Today/tonight has been HARD. He is silent. No doubt he is on to his next person/victim.

I KNEW I couldn't bring him around my son ......and I told HIM "Mike" it was important that when we did all connect again (they met when It was a business/client situation last year) that he can't see another relationship failure.. He kept asking why I was hiding my son from him or "shielding him" and I said ....when my son


meets someone in a RELATIONSHIP situation ....it must be with very strong ...long term focus. I want my son to see me dating...sure. But I don't want him meeting or investing in a situation that is shaky.

"Mike" knew this....but it's all confusing...because I KNOW he wanted that too....but he said that I needed to do that asap for him. I was cautious and I think my caution was legit.....no doubt.





frenchpaddy said:


> the fact you were keeping him away from your son was proof you were not happy and did not trust him as much as you thought you did , it was the first thing I saw when you started posting


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

redpandapanda2 said:


> It's hard because he's not a bad person at the core..


I think you are trying to convince yourself but he really is a bad person. Good people don't use others or insult others after receiving help from them. 


redpandapanda2 said:


> I will miss him... in many ways. In fact, today has been a day filled with tears. But, probably because my hopes and dreams were so different than my reality with him.


Understandable. But you know the truth. It was all dreams and not reality. You loved an image not the real person.

I bet he knew what he was doing from the beginning. He gained your trust and little by little started using you.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Today/tonight has been HARD. He is silent. No doubt he is on to his next person/victim.


That is a good thing for you.



redpandapanda2 said:


> I said ....when my son meets someone in a RELATIONSHIP situation ....it must be with very strong ...long term focus. I want my son to see me dating...sure. But I don't want him meeting or investing in a situation that is shaky.
> 
> "Mike" knew this....but it's all confusing...because I KNOW he wanted that too....but he said that I needed to do that asap for him. I was cautious and I think my caution was legit.....no doubt.


You realize he wanted this to have another control point over you don't you? Manipulating your son to get his way with you.
From the outside looking in this is apparent. From inside the maelstrom, I'm sure it's not.
This guy is a complete scumbag. I'm sorry he had you duped into thinking otherwise. I really hope he leaves you alone so you won't be tempted. If he calls would you answer?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I’m going to be really frank, and harsh. You’re not a caring person. Think about this for a minute: how do you care for your son by giving $7k to someone like this?

That’s $7k of your kid’s money. Your kid’s time. 

How do you care for you, and your kid, by keeping this person around? The texting, the worrying, the caring? 

Be real with yourself. What is in this for you???

I repeat, you are not a caring person. 

Are you hoping one day, that those millions will come in, and that he will owe you something, for all the kindness and care you have so lovingly, kindly, freely given? 

What is the end result here?


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## Marsh_Mallow* (2 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> I’m going to be really frank, and harsh. You’re not a caring person. Think about this for a minute: how do you care for your son by giving $7k to someone like this?
> 
> That’s $7k of your kid’s money. Your kid’s time.
> 
> ...


I think you should have kept reading before judging.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

Marsh_Mallow* said:


> I think you should have kept reading before judging.



Thank you. I appreciate your support @Marsh_Mallow* !

I haven't heard from him...and I'm doing pretty well. I have been listening and reading a lot about narcissists and realizing the patterns/manipulation, as well.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

Rubix Cubed said:


> That is a good thing for you.
> 
> 
> You realize he wanted this to have another control point over you don't you? Manipulating your son to get his way with you.
> ...


No...I won't answer. And I won't reply to emails etc unless they are in response to our shared clients' needs... even 24 hours away from this...has helped me see even a LITTLE more clearly... 

It is/was a lot... and I'm coming out of the fog...


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

redpandapanda2 said:


> No...I won't answer. And I won't reply to emails etc unless they are in response to our shared clients' needs... even 24 hours away from this...has helped me see even a LITTLE more clearly...
> 
> It is/was a lot... and I'm coming out of the fog...


You sound great, really. 
Stay strong when he does reach out, and stay strong in those lonely moments.

Put him and his schedule out of your mind, maybe find some fun things to do with your son. Go to a matinee or take him to diner at a nice place. Does he have a gf? Invite her to make some cookies or something. Anything to keep yourself distracted. Go stay with your parents or have a GNO with your gfs.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

redpandapanda2 said:


> No...I won't answer. And I won't reply to emails etc unless they are in response to our shared clients' needs... even 24 hours away from this...has helped me see even a LITTLE more clearly...
> 
> It is/was a lot... and I'm coming out of the fog...


You should look into getting your own clients on your own. I don't know what you do, but is there a way to cut ties with him? How can you move on since you have to deal with him for work? He's gonna find a way to keep manipulating you. Document every conversation or interaction with him. To me, he's a liar and dangerous person. Watch out!


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

pastasauce79 said:


> You should look into getting your own clients on your own. I don't know what you do, but is there a way to cut ties with him? How can you move on since you have to deal with him for work? He's gonna find a way to keep manipulating you. Document every conversation or interaction with him. To me, he's a liar and dangerous person. Watch out!


 If he keeps on the current path he will take himself out of the work equation, it may very well be underway.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Was an eventual marriage the hook he was using? People like him do a lot of future-faking to reel people in and keep them there. They talk a good game while depleting your assets. The world is full of cons of all sorts. The goal is to train your alarm to go off before they get their hook into you.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

So happy to see you’re in good spirits today and moving forward!! Just stay strong and don’t respond to texts or take his calls. I still think blocking him is best because you may start feeling badly in a few weeks when you still haven’t heard from him (part of the healing journey). It will take a while until you feel indifference.

Stay strong!!🙌


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Yes, I've seen that movie... It's hard because he's not a bad person at the core.. I think he's just wounded and desperate right now. Maybe time will give me more 'anger' over the situation... at least I hope it does.
> 
> It's hard when you KNOW someone for years...and then realize he isn't what you truly believed about them.
> 
> I will miss him... in many ways. In fact, today has been a day filled with tears. But, probably because my hopes and dreams were so different than my reality with him.


This is where you need to retrain your brain. 

Someone who pretends to be something else to manipulate and bilk people out of money IS a bad person.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

redpandapanda2 said:


> It's hard because he's not a bad person at the core.. I think he's just wounded and desperate right now. Maybe time will give me more 'anger' over the situation... at least I hope it does.
> 
> It's hard when you KNOW someone for years...and then realize he isn't what you truly believed about them.



Let me rephrase my statement in my post above. 

Your mistake here is you bought the fake facade he was presenting to you.

His core is what is bad. 

You have just been duped by the false image and false facade he has been pulling over into you.

He is not a good person where you are starting to see some of his human failings that we all have.

Rather what is happening here is he is a bad person at his core and you are just now starting to see some of the chips and scratches in his false surface veneer.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Was an eventual marriage the hook he was using? People like him do a lot of future-faking to reel people in and keep them there. They talk a good game while depleting your assets. The world is full of cons of all sorts. The goal is to train your alarm to go off before they get their hook into you.


Interesting...this crossed my mind today. It hit me that he MAY come into some very nice income next year etc...but, he wouldn't have even been able to buy me a ring! For flips sake.....he didn't even have a car! 

What I was feeling...was smothered. I was realizing he was staying indefinitely in my home unless I paid for him to go elsewhere for a night or 2. 

He def said he wanted to get married to me at some point...BUT HOW???? He couldn't! He doesn't even have credit to be able to put a ring on a credit card! 

Of course, now that he's gone, I'm sure he's been pushed into selling some of his assets so that he can survive. But, he's on a downward spiral...or so it seemed! 

I don't miss HIM...I miss the idea of him...and what COULD have been...until I realized who he really is...

Thank you for your continued support. It helps for me to come here and vent and realize the REALITY and stop living in fantasy land...


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Let me rephrase my statement in my post above.
> 
> Your mistake here is you bought the fake facade he was presenting to you.
> 
> ...


Yes, I totally agree with you. He is someone who takes advantage.. and now that the fog is beginning to lift...I am starting to see those issues. Conversations are coming back to me...things he said that irked me...and I disregarded.

He's not good... he is a liar...and a user -- and cheated on his ex wife...and an opportunist who is non stop looking for a major ego stroke...

He will find himself in the same problems ...in a different city...soon enough.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

*Deidre* said:


> You didn't really know him, though, until he moved in. I suspect no one really knows someone (other than siblings, parents, etc) to their core, until they live with them, or are in an intimate relationship. Even friends can fool us, because we're not with them 24/7. So, whatever mask he wears for the world is what you thought he was. Probably, somewhere along the way, he was hurt and became this person, but he is responsible for changing that. No matter how much money you give him, it won't make him grateful. No matter how many chances people give him, he'll only keep using them. Even that guy you mentioned thought he was a sociopath.
> 
> Forgive yourself, too. I think some of the anger is stemming from not breaking it off sooner, when you saw the red flags.



I think I was simply overwhelmed and smothered ..and lost site of what I truly knew all along in my gut...and when enough days passed and the charges continued to pile up..I realized...I couldn't take it anymore. 

I just shouldn't have waited as long as I did...but, at least he's gone now.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Interesting...this crossed my mind today. It hit me that he MAY come into some very nice income next year etc...but, he wouldn't have even been able to buy me a ring! For flips sake.....he didn't even have a car!
> 
> What I was feeling...was smothered. I was realizing he was staying indefinitely in my home unless I paid for him to go elsewhere for a night or 2.
> 
> ...


I was played by someone I had known most of my life. I found it very difficult to believe that what I thought was the truth really wasn’t and it took awhile for me to accept that. I still shake my head at times at all that I put up with.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

Openminded said:


> I was played by someone I had known most of my life. I found it very difficult to believe that what I thought was the truth really wasn’t and it took awhile for me to accept that. I still shake my head at times at all that I put up with.


I'm sorry to hear that...but, I can completely understand. It's a bit jarring to realize that I've been believing so much that was NOT rooted in truth. It makes me question a lot...overall now. I'm sure you feel that way, as well. Wishing you strength.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I am truly in a jam and don't know what or how to think/proceed. I am hoping for guidance here.
> 
> A former client of mine turned into a long distance friend for the past few years. He told me he had divorced years ago and was living in Las Vegas and building a family office/investment fund.
> 
> ...


I'd call it a day on Mike and his various stories and big deals. Hopefully you can get him out of your house because Freddie Freeloader may think he's got a good deal. There's a nice woman you could fix him up with; her name is Anna Delvey and apparently she has even more money than him.


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## sleeping_sandman (2 mo ago)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I am truly in a jam and don't know what or how to think/proceed. I am hoping for guidance here.
> 
> A former client of mine turned into a long distance friend for the past few years. He told me he had divorced years ago and was living in Las Vegas and building a family office/investment fund.
> 
> ...


Lady, are you mad?

He is an alcoholic bleeding you for Money one the (definitly) false promise to come back with Millions 'next year'
He divorced and still live there. Divorce fraud incoming.
He told bis wife He will move in with you. Without even asking you.
He lives in His alcohol addled fantasy world where He is the fallen hero about to come Back.

Please so me a favor. Try Something for me. Concentrate yourself in your conscious mind. And then blend your unconscious self. This only works for minutes. In untrained minde even seconds. I learned this to read my Stories when writing then to see If they sound relateable 
Younneed to give your littleme something to play with. Birth of your son. Being Happy with someone, not him though.
Then read your OWN Text.
What does it das to you?
Healhy?
You already protect your son? Why?
The exact same reason goes for you.
Because your son will lose you otherwise. 
Or to put it in the famous words of everyone: INCOMING! TAKE COVER! 
You are seconds away from a mortar barage on your mental integrity.
Run. Now.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

@redpandapanda2 

Congratulations. 

In your shoes I would not have given him that $400 - not sure why you did. But that's a drop in the bucket I suppose, given what's transpired.

It's very clear to me, you were simply a profitable transaction for him, nothing more. And he did what he needed to do to wring as much profit as possible. Once he realized the gravy train was over, he reaction was EXTREMELY predictable. This is what narcissists do. They simply do not understand how other people are affected, only how they themselves are affected. They EXPECT compliance because they can't fathom the alternative. It does not compute and shorts their circuitry.

Enjoy your freedom.

Never do this again. You are worth too much.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

@redpandapanda2 

How are you doing?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I hope you will seek professional help - so your codependency issues don’t cost you further - in your future.
You had many times you should have said no to him - but lack of boundaries made you continue to enable him… even when you knew he showed concerning behaviors.
Please say you’ll seek extended help.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Did you block him entirely?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I just read the beginning of @redpandapanda2's other threads.

Worst picker of men of all time. And puts up with way too much. Over and over.

Girl, you need some therapy to learn why you keep doing this and how to gain some self respect.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

One pattern is that the men she's chosen tend to be huge drinkers. Perhaps meeting them or doing exciting things while both are drunk. Then the light shines brightly in sober times and one or both of them are realizing they don't like what they see quite as much.

So another thing to work on....reducing the role alcohol plays in your (dating) life would appear to be a good move.


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

Was Mike’s name really David and was the pilot named Pete? I know they aren’t the same guys but they sound just like guys my wife dated at one point.


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