# MIL Living with Us, Advice Please



## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

I don't know if I'm just tired lately or what. My MIL has recently arrived from a 3rd world country to live with my husband and I. We have been married about 4 years and have a toddler. I'm pregnant with our second child now. 

It's definitely an adjustment living with my MIL. We actually all lived together before for half a year in their country and got along fine. Conditions there are always getting worse and the heat this time of year makes my MIL sick. We were happy to be able to invite her to live with us until the fall so she can rest and heal. She is relatively easy to get along with but she doesn't speak English well enough so her and I have issues communicating between ourselves without help. However, her presence is bringing out old issues between my husband and myself and we are starting to fight again. 

My expectation for my MIL's visit is that she would get to relax, do fun things with us, and play with her first and only grandson. I didn't expect her to be cleaning or cooking food but she seems to really want to do both things. She cooks traditional food for herself and my husband and I make my own food. I'm fine with that but I have an issue with her cleaning, particularly doing the dishes. 

Although she didn't clean this much in her own home, now being in our home she is constantly cleaning. It stresses me out a lot because I feel cleaning is my job. I'm a SAHM and with her already doing a lot of cooking and playing with my son, I thought I would have lots of time to clean. But she wakes up early and cleans while I sleep. It frustrates me because my husband often accuses me that I stay at home doing nothing. Also my MIL doesn't see that well without glasses so many dishes she cleans are actually still dirty. I have to rewash many of them. Her washing dishes constantly (not letting any dish sit out) means that I can't fill up the dishwasher. Also for some reason when she washes dishes water floods the counter and makes puddles on the floor. I don't know if I'm just getting more tired and irritable lately but it bothers me to pull a dish out of the cupboard just to find it dirty, and to step into surprise puddles on the floor. I'm also feeling useless around the house because I feel like I have a lot to prove to my husband and that I can't prove it. 

I've talked to my MIL about not having to wash dishes and to let me wash them with the dishwasher. She has said ok no problem and was very agreeable. But I find her washing dishes in secret and putting them away wet so I won't see that she washed them. Of course I know she did because there is the puddle on the floor and counter, wet dishes in the cupboard and some dishes still dirty. I feel like that's lying when you agree to something you have no intention of doing. I wish she would just communicate with me instead of just agreeing when she doesn't mean it. My husband also agrees to things he never intends to do and so he sides with her. He says I'm too aggressive and controlling and that his mom has a right to wash dishes in our house.

I think I've tried very hard to be patient and to talk with my MIL about it. I don't think I have been unreasonable or mean at all. My husband acts like I'm abusing her and not letting her do what she wants to do, but she never told me that its a big deal to her. She agreed very readily and said she would let me do all the dishes and there's no problem. Her actions don't match that though and it makes me upset. I didn't think it would be a big deal for her to relax while her daughter-in-law does all the dishes. How can I be controlling or abusive to her if she told me she has no problem with me doing the dishes? 

Should I just give up and put up with this for the next few months? Do I have any right as a SAHM to manage the home or does my MIL get to be semi in-charge while she's here? I feel like this is a small issue but its hitting sore spots for me and opening old issues between me and my husband. I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping properly so maybe I'm too tired and sensitive. I just want to hear your opinions and advice on this so I can see this more clearly and handle it better.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Maybe while your MIL is doing the household chores, you should get a job. Being a SAHM puts a huge burden on your husband and will start money problems in your marriage if not addressed.


----------



## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> Maybe while your MIL is doing the household chores, you should get a job. Being a SAHM puts a huge burden on your husband and will start money problems in your marriage if not addressed.


I've actually looked up jobs because she is here to babysit our son. My husband saw my searches and got upset. He said I'm not going to get a job during this pregnancy. We are good financially right now, but we have spent the last 4 years struggling with money and I think he still feels the burden from that.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Putting dishes away wet is unsanitary. If they are not going into the dishwasher, they need to be put in a dish drainer to air dry.

Puddles on the floor are dangerous. 

So, your husband thinks you're a lay-about? Then tell him he needs to rein in his mother and you'll be only too happy to do the chores to your satisfaction.

With a toddler and one on the way, forget about getting a job. That was an absurd suggestion.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Jb, you are making an assumption that was not even mentioned at all. I get that you have had issues with your own wife, but not every woman, not every SAHM is like your wife. You brought up something that has NOTHING to do with the initial post. The issue is whether she has the right to be upset about dishes not being completely clean, yet put away, dirty and wet. She wants to know if she is right to be upset that her mother-in-law is, essentially, taking over her home. YES, she has every right to be upset about that! This is HER hone, and her MIL is a GUEST. Even if MIL was living there, permanently, OP is still the "woman of the house". I would be upset, too!
@Cecezakat, if splitting chores is an option while she is there, try that. Personally, I would be tempted to leave the dishes she washes, at least the ones your husband and she use. Rewash the ones for yourself and your son as needed. If you haven't shown your husband, show him the dishes after she washes them. Point out to your husband that there are puddles on the floor after she has washed them and that you are sure he would hate to have anyone get hurt if they slip and fall if the puddles aren't noticed in time. Wanting a guest to relax and not do your housework is NOT abuse. Now, if she wants to help, what about laundry, sweeping, mopping (scratch that, not mopping... puddles)...vacuuming? Just remind your husband that the dishwasher gets the dishes cleaner than his mother does. But, he needs to remember that YOU are the "woman of the house", not his mother. And it seems that is the biggest problem here.


----------



## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

I have lived with my husband's family for quite a while. We often have language issues but my MIL is lovely, we are so afraid of offending each other though we don't usually talk unless my husband is around. She doesn't want to be the mom from everyone loves raymond and I don't want to be the *****y daughter in law trying to keep her from having to do with anything with anything in the family. But sometimes there is a bit of conflict if we correct each other or she knows what he likes to eat better than I do, or something like that.

Your husband is being completely unreasonable. Have you ever had a time when you weren't having problems? I find that men are very protective of their parents, especially their moms. So the wife is just left by herself and we feel ganged up on. You can't really be logical with it comes to a man and his mother most of the time...it's all emotions!

You have good intentions and you aren't being unreasonable at all...dirty dishes are gross. Maybe you could do the dishes together and clean together. She could clean a couple of rooms and you do the dishes, you can always come back and rearrange things if it isn't the way that you like it or it's not clean. That way she feels useful, and you can be practical. His mom will always want to feel that she taking care of him and the kids and you too. It's her whole world! But you aren't doing anything wrong!

It's such a weird dynamic with these types of situations...very awkward. I completely understand!!


----------



## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

My husband agrees that they are dirty and he saw the puddles on the floor. But he says she is not a guest in the house and she has a right to do what she wants without being controlled by me. He has mentioned these things to her, and I have discussed it with her, but after two weeks little changed. I told my husband how that bothers me and he says I'm just too aggressive and controlling. He says we just need to talk to her about it (again for like the 7th time) and that it will be resolved. He says I'm abusive to her because I'm expecting her to behave like women who grew up in the U.S. and that I don't understand her. Basically that she is a helpless victim and I'm attacking her. I don't need to deal with this right now. I need to have a stress-free pregnancy, but what bothers me more is how my husband talks to me about this whole situation. I really don't know what to do to stop this from making fights that leave me really hurt and upset.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

So my advice is different that others. If the dishes and the puddles are the only concern, let it go. Get charity and kindness into your heart for your mother-in-law in the spirit of respect and appreciation for elders. When you see dirty dishes, stick them in the dishwasher. When you see puddles, clean them up. And smile.


----------



## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

ticktock33 said:


> I have lived with my husband's family for quite a while. We often have language issues but my MIL is lovely, we are so afraid of offending each other though we don't usually talk unless my husband is around. She doesn't want to be the mom from everyone loves raymond and I don't want to be the *****y daughter in law trying to keep her from having to do with anything with anything in the family. But sometimes there is a bit of conflict if we correct each other or she knows what he likes to eat better than I do, or something like that.
> 
> Your husband is being completely unreasonable. Have you ever had a time when you weren't having problems? I find that men are very protective of their parents, especially their moms. So the wife is just left by herself and we feel ganged up on. You can't really be logical with it comes to a man and his mother most of the time...it's all emotions!
> 
> ...


I think you are right about him being more protective and emotional towards his mom. He has directly told me I'm just like his dad, who is extremely critical, negative and mean most of the time. He hates how his dad treats his mom and he wanted to rescue her from his dad's house. He talks about not letting her go back home and keeping her in our house indefinitely. That's totally out of the question for me and I would move out as soon as I could. I think he feels that she is so weak and helpless and he has to save her from his dad and now from me too. I can't even discuss this with him because he is so biased towards his mom and me. 

How do you respond to someone who is acting more from emotions? 

I would be fine with just letting her do what she wants, if my husband didn't keep saying how I don't do anything at home.


----------



## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

NobodySpecial said:


> So my advice is different that others. If the dishes and the puddles are the only concern, let it go. Get charity and kindness into your heart for your mother-in-law in the spirit of respect and appreciation for elders. When you see dirty dishes, stick them in the dishwasher. When you see puddles, clean them up. And smile.


Thanks. I have done both of those things. Rewashing dishes made me feel guilty because it wastes more water, and we have to pay for water at this apartment. It's something my husband brings up and complains about. I feel too much stress and pressure because of things he says to me, but maybe I should just ignore it and focus on myself.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

And he is still wrong. Guest or not, you are his wife. My grandmother lived with us when we were growing up. Actually, that was off and on. Sometimes she lived with my unvle, sometimes with one of my aunts. But for much of my life, I remember grandma living with us. She would help, not take over, but HELP, with cooking and cleaning. Mom was the boss, not grandma. I have to wonder if his grandmother took over everything when she came to his home when he was a child. I don't mean to live, necessarily, but even visiting. He expects you to respect his mother's culture, yes? This should go both ways. She should respect you, as well. You have no problem with sharing chores, it seems. Remind him that you are willing to compromise on some things, but not at the expense of anyone's health and safety. He wants the two of you to talk to her... again... fine. Talk, again, but remind him that it isn't getting through. Remind, again, that the dishes are yours to do. Then again, maybe HE should go back and rewash after her. Perhaps that will get it to sink in for him? Idk. Regardless, there is nothing controlling about requesting something be done SAFELY, and with SANITARY precautions.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Cecezakat said:


> Thanks. I have done both of those things. Rewashing dishes made me feel guilty because it wastes more water, and we have to pay for water at this apartment. It's something my husband brings up and complains about. I feel too much stress and pressure because of things he says to me, but maybe I should just ignore it and focus on myself.


I guess I would not own stress about this if the water bill is a concern for HIM. You simply ask him, what would you like to do,

1. figure out how to communicate with your mother so she does not do dishes OR
2. pay the extra water cost.

Do not even put not re-washing on the list of options since it is unacceptable to you. It is not unlike dealing with a toddler or preschooler, limited choices! If HE has a problem with the water bill, then it is HIS problem to solve. My opinion.


----------



## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Maricha75 said:


> And he is still wrong. Guest or not, you are his wife. My grandmother lived with us when we were growing up. Actually, that was off and on. Sometimes she lived with my unvle, sometimes with one of my aunts. But for much of my life, I remember grandma living with us. She would help, not take over, but HELP, with cooking and cleaning. Mom was the boss, not grandma. I have to wonder if his grandmother took over everything when she came to his home when he was a child. I don't mean to live, necessarily, but even visiting. He expects you to respect his mother's culture, yes? This should go both ways. She should respect you, as well. You have no problem with sharing chores, it seems. Remind him that you are willing to compromise on some things, but not at the expense of anyone's health and safety. He wants the two of you to talk to her... again... fine. Talk, again, but remind him that it isn't getting through. Remind, again, that the dishes are yours to do. Then again, maybe HE should go back and rewash after her. Perhaps that will get it to sink in for him? Idk. Regardless, there is nothing controlling about requesting something be done SAFELY, and with SANITARY precautions.


He on one hand agrees with me about the safety and sanitary issues. But he also has this belief that I'm the bad guy all the time because I'm not a passive person. He tends to be very passive-aggressive and I think he believes that is the normal, better way to live. I am more direct and like to communicate openly and clearly about issues, no matter how big or small. He equates that to aggression. Nothing I say makes him view that differently. Telling him how hurt I feel when he says I'm aggressive just leads him to say that I shouldn't get upset when people don't "agree" with me. I feel like that's a support issue more than agreeing or disagreeing. 

He says I'm not compromising at all and I have no right to tell her she can't wash the dishes. I can't get him to stop viewing me as his Dad, the meanie who keeps controlling and crushing everyone in the family. Even when I have tried to be silent and not express my feelings or wants he doesn't notice. He still views me as an attacker, an aggressor. 

Any thoughts on how to change someone's opinion on that? Will he eventually stop misplacing his feelings towards his dad onto me? He is so loving and sweet other times, but he quickly jumps to comparing me to his dad when I express my feelings or wants. Should I be more passive-aggressive to get along with him better?


----------



## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

NobodySpecial said:


> I guess I would not own stress about this if the water bill is a concern for HIM. You simply ask him, what would you like to do,
> 
> 1. figure out how to communicate with your mother so she does not do dishes OR
> 2. pay the extra water cost.
> ...


He throws the responsibility on me to reduce the water costs. He still believes that the dishwasher uses more water than hand washing. They never had a dishwasher growing up so he doesn't believe it saves money. How he handles the bill is that he simply pays the bill but later when I (not him, not his mom) use money to buy something its questioned heavily, why did I need that, did I have to buy that right now, we had to pay a huge water bill, we don't have money, I spent too much, I should get a job if I want to spend that much (when I wasn't pregnant). 

He has complained when I bought food, that it was too expensive and he could have made that money last longer. Mind you, he has no problem buying an older model Iphone for himself, and a tablet for his mom. I don't have a problem with it either, but I don't like that only my purchases come under fire. Especially when all I bought was essentials: food, diapers, wipes, children's pain reliever, a cheap thermometer, and medicine for lactose intolerance, etc. I don't buy myself new phones or demand or even hint that I need something like that. I have hopes that this is not a permanent thing and that he will stop eventually. But it's hard to deal with.


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Cece, this is a no win situation. Your husband will protect his mum and anything you say to her will always be wrong. 

So, I think you should just enjoy her doing stuff. Your husband thinks you are lazy, so enjoy being lazy. Go for walks with your son. Enjoy taking naps, read a book. Play with your son. 

Wash your plate and your son's before you eat in it. Wash the pot before you cook your food. Buy some bug traps for the cupboard. Wipe the puddle on the floor. You don't want to fall. 

Let your husband eat from dirty dishes. Smile at your MIL, then, go to your room and take a nap. Never complain again to your husband. Be passive as he is.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Cecezakat said:


> He throws the responsibility on me to reduce the water costs.


Just because he throws it does not mean you have to catch it. "I am not sure what you would like me to do. I can refrain from doing your laundry. Is that what you would like me to do? We can stop flushing the toilet. Is that a good solution? I am open to any solutions that you can propose."



> He still believes that the dishwasher uses more water than hand washing.


It probably does. That strikes me as a legitimate concern. Do an experiment and find out.



> They never had a dishwasher growing up so he doesn't believe it saves money. How he handles the bill is that he simply pays the bill but later when I (not him, not his mom) use money to buy something its questioned heavily, why did I need that, did I have to buy that right now, we had to pay a huge water bill, we don't have money, I spent too much, I should get a job if I want to spend that much (when I wasn't pregnant).
> 
> He has complained when I bought food, that it was too expensive and he could have made that money last longer. Mind you, he has no problem buying an older model Iphone for himself, and a tablet for his mom. I don't have a problem with it either, but I don't like that only my purchases come under fire. Especially when all I bought was essentials: food, diapers, wipes, children's pain reliever, a cheap thermometer, and medicine for lactose intolerance, etc. I don't buy myself new phones or demand or even hint that I need something like that. I have hopes that this is not a permanent thing and that he will stop eventually. But it's hard to deal with.



Sounds like you have more issues than just dishes.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Ooooo I like @brooklynAnn suggestion. He wants you to be more passive/passive-aggressive, do what she said. If he says anything, remind him that he wanted you to be more passive... this is more passive. So, his choices are deal with you wanting things CLEAN, or deal with you letting it go. It doesn't go both ways.

Also, how far along are you? Is MIL staying until after the baby is born?


----------



## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

NobodySpecial said:


> Sounds like you have more issues than just dishes.


We do. That's why I don't want this issue to be bringing up past problems and pitting us against each other again. We've been working on our problems but it needs time and us not being defensive towards each other. I guess being passive in regards to my MIL seems to be the way to achieve that goal.


----------



## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

Your husband needs to understand that he is responsible for dealing with possible conflicts between you and his mom in this case since he is the middle guy and the one responsible for bringing his mom to your home.
If he is not interfering then he will have to let you solve this issue your own way with his mom. Would he prefer to let you two confront each other and ruin the relationship? He has the power to avoid this if he wants. He could think of ways like telling his mom how he wants her to enjoy the time together and rest, that he doesn't want to see her work so much at home, that she is guest and so on. Coming from him might make your MIL feel less threatened.

Here's an article similar to your case: Getting Along With the Original Other Woman?Your Mother-in-Law - WSJ

Also, this is also your home and he is not the ruler of it. You both are equal owners of it. Just coz he contributes to a job doesn't mean he's superior, as you both agreed to this setting of contributing in different ways.

And he is also not being fair, he says that you're not doing much at home but then his mom is taking over the tasks.

And what if you or his mom someday slips on a puddle of water? Or dirty dishes affects any of your health? You're pregnant, is your husband going to be responsible if anything happens to you? Can he be responsible for this at all?

Today can be the dishes, what if tomorrow his mom interferes in something else? Child education or something else? Your husband needs to be at his wife's side or at least be neutral. And even if he doesn't agree with you on something, he should discuss with you behind but reach a compromise and not expect you to simply submit.


----------



## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Maricha75 said:


> Ooooo I like @brooklynAnn suggestion. He wants you to be more passive/passive-aggressive, do what she said. If he says anything, remind him that he wanted you to be more passive... this is more passive. So, his choices are deal with you wanting things CLEAN, or deal with you letting it go. It doesn't go both ways.
> 
> Also, how far along are you? Is MIL staying until after the baby is born?


I think that must the be the best way to go. Although reminding him of anything would still be too "aggressive." That would just open an attack against me. 

I'm 5 months along. Her plane ticket is paid for and scheduled for about a month and a half before the due date. My husband keeps talking/threatening his dad that he won't let his mom go back home and will have her overstay her visa. I think it's just talk because I doubt the ticket date could be changed and his mom does seem to want to go back for her other son still living at home. 

If she seriously stays I don't think it will go well after the baby is born. I would have to consider living with my mother or sister for some time if possible.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> Just because he throws it does not mean you have to catch it. "I am not sure what you would like me to do. I can refrain from doing your laundry. Is that what you would like me to do? We can stop flushing the toilet. Is that a good solution? I am open to any solutions that you can propose."


Definitely an option. Worth a shot as well.



NobodySpecial said:


> It probably does. That strikes me as a legitimate concern. Do an experiment and find out.


I highly doubt it. Even the one we had before they started making high efficiency ones used MUCH less water than we ever did when washing the same amount of dishes by hand. Now, they are a lot more efficient. So I very much doubt they use more water than washing by hand. As an example, my sister's house. Her husband, when he had to disconnect the dishwasher to repair something in the line, didn't reconnect the hot water line. Rather than tear it all apart, my sister just takes a pitcher and dumps, I think she said, about a gallon of water in the bottom. That is for a FULL load, for the entire day. Washing by hand, I guarantee would take more than that. And hers isn't high efficiency, either. 





NobodySpecial said:


> Sounds like you have more issues than just dishes.


Agreed.


----------



## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

Perhaps one day when you two are alone, sit down with your husband and tell him how you feel. Don't use any sentence saying about what others are doing or can or can't do, simply tell him how you feel alone and that you don't have your husband's back and you feel hurt. How you feel stressed as you never wanted to be in conflict with your MIL, that you only wanted a happy family but you don't know how to handle it anymore. That you are afraid how this stress can be bad for pregnancy. That you are desperate because as a stay at home wife you feel that your duty is to take care of everyone at home and you are not allowed to do so properly now.

This way you avoid direct accusation and your husband can also know better about your feelings. If he even finds this aggressive then he is insensitive.


----------



## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

lilith23 said:


> Your husband needs to understand that he is responsible for dealing with possible conflicts between you and his mom in this case since he is the middle guy and the one responsible for bringing his mom to your home.
> If he is not interfering then he will have to let you solve this issue your own way with his mom. Would he prefer to let you two confront each other and ruin the relationship? He has the power to avoid this if he wants. He could think of ways like telling his mom how he wants her to enjoy the time together and rest, that he doesn't want to see her work so much at home, that she is guest and so on. Coming from him might make your MIL feel less threatened.
> 
> Here's an article similar to your case: Getting Along With the Original Other Woman?Your Mother-in-Law - WSJ
> ...


Thanks for the article. They are both pretty passive-aggressive so there isn't open conflict. Some of the issue is the language barrier. I have a hard time talking to her directly and these aren't easy things to explain when language is an issue. Another part of the issue is that they both grew up in a 3rd world country that is very unsanitary and unsafe in numerous ways. Our standards in the U.S. at times seem unbearably high and unnecessary since they are used to things being much much dirtier and more dangerous with nothing much bad appearing to come of it. Dirty dishes will never bother my husband to the point that he would take action. I'm the odd one out in that I care about these seemingly unimportant issues. My MIL once said that chicken is okay sitting out all day after it's been cooked. I can explain all I want that it's wrong, but unless she immediately gets ill after eating that chicken she won't believe there is any harm in it. So, some dirt on the plates? They will never care about it. 

I greatly underestimated how much cultural differences can affect a marriage. I see improvements though and he seems to want to handle things well between the three of us adults. Intentions matter a lot to me, and I think time will help those intentions become actions and then habits.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Ok, another approach. Regarding cleanliness and safety... ask him if he would want to risk having your son, and possibly your baby once he/she is born, taken away due to sanitary conditions. All it takes is one person seeing the dirty dishes in the cupboard, or any other thing they see as "good enough" because of where they grew up. One person could call CPS and your child(ren) could be yanked from your home. It DOES happen. And sitting by, passively allowing his mom to do as she wishes, while berating you for being too "mean" can ensure such an outcome. If he doesn't want to risk your children being removed, he needs to step up and have YOUR back in this.

As for the chicken... my MIL is the same way (eww!)... and she grew up here! So no underdeveloped country to blame the difference on. But, cultural differences do affect marriage, for sure. Even within the same country!


----------



## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

lilith23 said:


> Perhaps one day when you two are alone, sit down with your husband and tell him how you feel. Don't use any sentence saying about what others are doing or can or can't do, simply tell him how you feel alone and that you don't have your husband's back and you feel hurt. How you feel stressed as you never wanted to be in conflict with your MIL, that you only wanted a happy family but you don't know how to handle it anymore. That you are afraid how this stress can be bad for pregnancy. That you are desperate because as a stay at home wife you feel that your duty is to take care of everyone at home and you are not allowed to do so properly now.
> 
> This way you avoid direct accusation and your husband can also know better about your feelings. If he even finds this aggressive then he is insensitive.


We do talk about my feelings. It doesn't go well. He gets very defensive, he somehow feels responsible for other people's feelings so expressing negative ones becomes an attack on him that he is doing something wrong. He also says I am caring about small things and I should stop caring about it then I won't be stressed out....etc

He also says I don't need to take care of everything and should relax while I'm pregnant and he knows its hard work, etc. But...when he feels defensive he says how I don't do anything and belittles everything I do, despite having said the day before how much he appreciates me. So his response to me changes based on how he is feeling that day. I'm trying to figure out what all triggers his defensiveness because he can be really unfair and mean when he is defensive.


----------



## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Regardless of the possibility of CPS getting involved somehow, he wouldn't believe it until it happened. Kind of one of those learn-the-hard-way people. Then if it did happen he would just be angry at CPS and blame them for being unfair and unjust. No accountability. I don't let it get like that though. I rewash things and take wet dishes out of the cupboard and wipe up the floor. I just wish it didn't have to be that way. Thankfully my MIL cleans up the mess made on the stove from cooking.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Cecezakat said:


> We do talk about my feelings. It doesn't go well. He gets very defensive, he somehow feels responsible for other people's feelings so expressing negative ones becomes an attack on him that he is doing something wrong. He also says I am caring about small things and I should stop caring about it then I won't be stressed out....etc
> 
> He also says I don't need to take care of everything and should relax while I'm pregnant and he knows its hard work, etc. But...when he feels defensive he says how I don't do anything and belittles everything I do, despite having said the day before how much he appreciates me. So his response to me changes based on how he is feeling that day. I'm trying to figure out what all triggers his defensiveness because he can be really unfair and mean when he is defensive.


So, when he gets defensive, you are saying he behaves like his dad? Is recording confrontations an option? Perhaps to play back to him, when he is calm, so he can see how he behaves? I have had to point out to my husband how he is like his dad (who he could not stand, even til the day the man died), in some ways. He, of course, disagreed, until I gave him proof. Still not perfect, but he has improved.


----------



## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Maricha75 said:


> As for the chicken... my MIL is the same way (eww!)... and she grew up here! So no underdeveloped country to blame the difference on. But, cultural differences do affect marriage, for sure. Even within the same country!


Actually, yeah it might be more of a generational difference than cultural. And there are definitely different cultures within a country too. But the differences really increase between countries.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Cecezakat said:


> Regardless of the possibility of CPS getting involved somehow, he wouldn't believe it until it happened. Kind of one of those learn-the-hard-way people. Then if it did happen he would just be angry at CPS and blame them for being unfair and unjust. No accountability. I don't let it get like that though. I rewash things and take wet dishes out of the cupboard and wipe up the floor. I just wish it didn't have to be that way. Thankfully my MIL cleans up the mess made on the stove from cooking.


I cannot even imagine living like that. I mean, my husband has his faults, like anyone, but I cannot imagine your situation. Honestly, I don't think I would have been nice about it, myself. I seriously would have turned into a b!tch. I think I would have done the "talk to her" twice, maybe 3 times. After that... no. I'm sorry, but the language barrier is a copout now. SEVEN times having to "discuss" it with her? Unless she is senile, she got it the first tine, maybe the second when he talked to her. Suggestion... find a way to learn their language. It may very well be he is NOT actually asking her not to do these things. Seven times... something is wrong there. Oh, and if she IS senile, I would excuse it and just keep on as you are, cleaning after her. But I suspect she is not... and she very likely knows the wedge this, as well as other things, is driving between you two. But, he seems to be a "mama's boy", so there very well may be no way to get through to him, regarding her.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Cecezakat said:


> I've actually looked up jobs because she is here to babysit our son. My husband saw my searches and got upset. He said I'm not going to get a job during this pregnancy. We are good financially right now, but we have spent the last 4 years struggling with money and I think he still feels the burden from that.


hay I asked, I aslo had to live through that and I know what a husband who is the sole provider feels like. If he says he doesn't want yuou to work, fine, but they say the #1 marriage problem for younf couple is money. I'm only concerned that all.


----------



## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Maricha75 said:


> So, when he gets defensive, you are saying he behaves like his dad? Is recording confrontations an option? Perhaps to play back to him, when he is calm, so he can see how he behaves? I have had to point out to my husband how he is like his dad (who he could not stand, even til the day the man died), in some ways. He, of course, disagreed, until I gave him proof. Still not perfect, but he has improved.


Yes I have noticed that he accuses me of being like his dad and yet he often behaves no different himself. He has no insight into that. I try to avoid provoking his defenses because although he doesn't raise his voice or use insulting words/cursing he sure knows how to hurt someone bad when he feels attacked. He's a lot more confident than I am because I really can't handle being hurt but it doesn't phase him at all. 

He often tells me to turn off the AC because the temps here don't bother him, but for me and the locals it would be considered hot enough for AC. One day he was complaining about his dad not letting his younger brother use the room AC they have at home. It was 115 degrees out, and the brother was setting it to 75 degrees. Electricity there is more expensive than what we pay here in dollars and the room isn't properly sealed so the cold air leaks out too. He kept complaining how cruel and unreasonable his dad is and that it's a right for his brother to cool down no matter the cost. He acts a lot like his dad, but he thinks he is behaving that way for the RIGHT reasons whereas his dad behaves that way for the WRONG reasons. 

I've tried pointing it out. He doesn't see it and it ends up not being worth it.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Also, Cece, the money. I know you said you don't begrudge him getting the iPhone or the tablet for his mom... maybe you SHOULD start speaking up about those kinds of things. He gets upset when you buy necessities, yet thinks nothing of spending on frivolities. I would DEFINITELY have something to say about that! He doesn't like spending extra on needs, but it's OK to spend on wants? No.


----------



## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Maricha75 said:


> I cannot even imagine living like that. I mean, my husband has his faults, like anyone, but I cannot imagine your situation. Honestly, I don't think I would have been nice about it, myself. I seriously would have turned into a b!tch. I think I would have done the "talk to her" twice, maybe 3 times. After that... no. I'm sorry, but the language barrier is a copout now. SEVEN times having to "discuss" it with her? Unless she is senile, she got it the first tine, maybe the second when he talked to her. Suggestion... find a way to learn their language. It may very well be he is NOT actually asking her not to do these things. Seven times... something is wrong there. Oh, and if she IS senile, I would excuse it and just keep on as you are, cleaning after her. But I suspect she is not... and she very likely knows the wedge this, as well as other things, is driving between you two. But, he seems to be a "mama's boy", so there very well may be no way to get through to him, regarding her.


I'm rapidly learning as I have a high motivation. My hang up is grammar but my vocabulary is very good. I understand 75% of what they say now helped by guessing from the words I understand. He does abuse the language barrier. I've caught him not translating accurately and misleading one or the other. I'm more and more able to say what I want to say. He make excuses for why she doesn't get it after the first three times we explain something to her. Yes part of it may be she doesn't have a lot of knowledge and experience to understand some of the things we are saying to her, no matter the language. However, she is also stubborn and passive-aggressive, so some of her behavior is a quiet way to do what she believes is better without directly saying she thinks her way is best.


----------



## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Maricha75 said:


> Also, Cece, the money. I know you said you don't begrudge him getting the iPhone or the tablet for his mom... maybe you SHOULD start speaking up about those kinds of things. He gets upset when you buy necessities, yet thinks nothing of spending on frivolities. I would DEFINITELY have something to say about that! He doesn't like spending extra on needs, but it's OK to spend on wants? No.


I do mention it. I try to show him in a logical way that it's not fair. He gets defensive but I have seen him settle down a bit about what I spend money on. I think he is starting to get it and he admitted he is still being an a**hole about money because he says my mom and I accused him of being a terrible provider when he didn't have the nice job he has now. Of course we didn't accuse him of that. We were trying to get him to understand why I wasn't bursting with joy living 50% below the poverty line, because he complained I'm not happy and I expect a high standard of living. I wasn't complaining about how we were living, but he expected me to be bouncing with joy like he was and I wasn't. 

I just want time for some of these hurts to heal on both sides. While we are making progress and whether he admits to it or not, he is understanding some of his unfairness. But anything that gets us both defensive just reopens those wounds and pushes us back several steps. My goal is to avoid getting into those fights before we have enough time to heal and rely on a new way of living together.


----------



## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> hay I asked, I aslo had to live through that and I know what a husband who is the sole provider feels like. If he says he doesn't want yuou to work, fine, but they say the #1 marriage problem for younf couple is money. I'm only concerned that all.


I understand. I see now that he has a lot of anger and resentment about money because of being the sole provider and not having enough money for us for a long time. I didn't realize how upset it made him. I started reading some books about this issue and I'm trying to correct mistakes that make him feel worse about being a provider. I've learned a lot of useful things and he responds well to my changes. It takes time though.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

He may balk at the idea, but given the very different backgrounds as well as issues that have, and currently do, come up, you may benefit from speaking with an unbiased outside opinion. Yes, I mean a counselor. Obviously, someone who won't cost a lot of money. But you need to find a way to work through these things, without each other getting defensive. A GOOD counselor will help you with that.


----------



## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

Perhaps your husband and MIL already have defenses in their bodies against dirty stuffs but you and your kid might react badly to it. Imagine some dirty dish with leftover food piece that absorbed dish soap and dried, then gets mixed in your next meal and you or your kid eats it. It might cause digestive track problems, Idk. :/ Since you two are not used to eat dirty stuffs.

I guess that I've missed the chicken, but I don't know if I'd want to know...


----------



## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

Being that you are pretty far a long in pregnancy, the stress that you are under really isn't good for you! Dirty dishes aren't safe for anyone, not turning on the a/c in 115 degree heat is ridiculous! He is being selfish, the world doesn't revolve around he and his mom!

Have you considered asking if you can stay with your family, sister or parents? Until the baby is born and/or when your MIL moves out? Also to show your husband that you can't take it anymore, it really isn't fair to you. Sometimes people need to be jarred into getting out of their own head and see logic. Emotion like this runs deep and something drastic has to be done!


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Cecezakat said:


> I think you are right about him being more protective and emotional towards his mom. He has directly told me I'm just like his dad, who is extremely critical, negative and mean most of the time. He hates how his dad treats his mom and he wanted to rescue her from his dad's house. He talks about not letting her go back home and keeping her in our house indefinitely. That's totally out of the question for me and I would move out as soon as I could. I think he feels that she is so weak and helpless and he has to save her from his dad and now from me too. I can't even discuss this with him because he is so biased towards his mom and me.
> 
> How do you respond to someone who is acting more from emotions?
> 
> I would be fine with just letting her do what she wants, if my husband didn't keep saying how I don't do anything at home.


I see parallels in how he treats you with how he says his Dad treated his Mum. He probably can't see it though. He's critical and negative of you but when you try to resolve the issues he is criticising you about, he is critical of that too.


----------



## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Your husband is behaving like a Jerk. He needs to stop being so critical and start caring more about your well being. 
Your MIL. Might mean well, and she's obviously trying to help but your husband needs to side with you over her. You are his wife. 

Also your dish washer should use less water than hand washing, they are very efficient these days. And put the air on on- you are pregnant, your body temp goes up and your comfort should be a big concern to your husband. 

All that said, try to be kind to your MIL - you will be one one day.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your husband is emotionally and verbally abusing you. Not good for your condition.

Google hand washing or dishwasher and you'll find a slew of articles advocating for the dishwasher. Print one out & hand it to your husband.

If your MIL has problems with her eyesight, that may explain some of her haphazard ways. Is this an avenue you can pursue to get her to understand that her standards aren't up to snuff? After-all, I'm sure she wouldn't want to risk her grandson's health. Your son's health is the mountain you want to stand on - with her and your husband.

Which country does your husband hail from?


----------



## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Maricha75 said:


> He may balk at the idea, but given the very different backgrounds as well as issues that have, and currently do, come up, you may benefit from speaking with an unbiased outside opinion. Yes, I mean a counselor. Obviously, someone who won't cost a lot of money. But you need to find a way to work through these things, without each other getting defensive. A GOOD counselor will help you with that.


I've thought about going to a counselor but my suspicions are that he will pick a lot more fights if we go. He is very sensitive to perceived criticisms and so sitting down to talk with a stranger about negative things will make his attitude a lot more negative. Right now in our marriage I don't want to push for something that will make him harder to deal with.


----------



## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

ticktock33 said:


> Being that you are pretty far a long in pregnancy, the stress that you are under really isn't good for you! Dirty dishes aren't safe for anyone, not turning on the a/c in 115 degree heat is ridiculous! He is being selfish, the world doesn't revolve around he and his mom!


It's not 115 degrees here. It's that hot in his home country where his Dad and younger brother are still living. While it's not that high here, we live in a very cold winter state and all of us living here feel these days as too hot, relatively. People here use AC, but because it's not as hot as his home country my husband doesn't think AC is at all necessary. He's given in on that though and now I use AC when I want to. I showed him the electricity bill and how using AC every day only raised our bill $5 for that month (electricity seems pretty cheap in this city). Comparing dollar to dollar our electricity here is far lower than the electricity bill his Dad has to pay in their home country for using much less electricity. So I think he finally realized its not a big deal to use the AC. 

Sorry if that was confusing.


----------



## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

breeze said:


> I see parallels in how he treats you with how he says his Dad treated his Mum. He probably can't see it though. He's critical and negative of you but when you try to resolve the issues he is criticising you about, he is critical of that too.


I recently started noticing that. I think he does act so similar to his dad but has no clue he is. When I mention that to him he gets angry and justifies why its ok when he does it but not the same when his dad does it. I think because he sees his mom as an innocent victim of his dad's criticism but he does not view me as innocent or a victim so his behavior towards me is justified (to him). Go figure.


----------



## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> Your husband is emotionally and verbally abusing you. Not good for your condition.
> 
> Google hand washing or dishwasher and you'll find a slew of articles advocating for the dishwasher. Print one out & hand it to your husband.
> 
> ...


I wouldn't say that he is verbally abusive because he never swears, raises his voice, or uses insulting words. He messes more with emotions and I often feel I'm on an emotional roller coaster. I'm not innocent either though because I do have a habit of raising my voice, swearing and insulting when I am really angry or upset. I'm working on changing my part in this, and I've told him about how important it is to let me be alone when I am upset. Most of the time he doesn't let me have that cool-down period and it ends up escalating the problem. He's starting to get why that is important. 

I was also unbearable to live with when I had postpartum depression and was constantly angry and since then he has become more negative towards me. I'm hopeful that he will change as I work on myself first because I believe his current behavior is delayed anger and resentment from how I treated him during PPD. I don't blame him for it at all. I remember how he was before my PPD damaged our marriage and I'm hopeful we can get back to that. 

You can find anything you want to prove on the internet. Despite all the articles leaning towards dishwashers being more efficient there are articles that say there isn't much difference and he of course found those and showed me. But he instead admitted that the cost of labor washing by hand isn't worth it. 

I'm working on talking to my MIL. Today she tried to learn how to put dishes in the dishwasher. I found out today that her husband has been skyping with her every day and criticizing her for "making" me do all the work and telling her how she is old and just a burden on us. She told me she feels bad that I'm working so hard but I explained to her how nothing here is hard compared to the same chores in their country. They are all from Pakistan. Everything here is automatic and easy. I told her to try to ignore what her husband says and she said yes he is narrow-minded and he doesn't know how easy things are here. That looks positive for moving forward. I also think I found a new angle to approach my husband with about why his mom should be relaxing here and not working.


----------



## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

Cecezakat said:


> It's not 115 degrees here. It's that hot in his home country where his Dad and younger brother are still living. While it's not that high here, we live in a very cold winter state and all of us living here feel these days as too hot, relatively. People here use AC, but because it's not as hot as his home country my husband doesn't think AC is at all necessary. He's given in on that though and now I use AC when I want to. I showed him the electricity bill and how using AC every day only raised our bill $5 for that month (electricity seems pretty cheap in this city). Comparing dollar to dollar our electricity here is far lower than the electricity bill his Dad has to pay in their home country for using much less electricity. So I think he finally realized its not a big deal to use the AC.
> 
> Sorry if that was confusing.


I understand! I'm happy that isn't the case!


----------



## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

I have had my MIL stay at my house sometimes, and she is the same way. Although Trinidad is not a third world country, I think some cultures are just like that - when they stay in someone else's home they do everything they can to not be a burden.

My MIL has actually complained that we treat her like a maid, when we never once even asked her to clean or fold laundry or anything.

I understand the desire to be less of a burden, but one should always respect the wishes of their host. However, she's just creating more work for you in the long run.

In the interest of peace, I would just rush to wash the dishes before she gets to them.


----------



## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> So my advice is different that others. If the dishes and the puddles are the only concern, let it go. Get charity and kindness into your heart for your mother-in-law in the spirit of respect and appreciation for elders. When you see dirty dishes, stick them in the dishwasher. When you see puddles, clean them up. And smile.


Awesome response!!


----------

