# Lazy wife...should I seek a divorce?



## TSG2010

I'll try and keep this short.

I have been married just over 7 years. My wife has NEVER been a "house cleaner" even when we were dating. She has clutter everywhere, to the extent that there are trails through the house where you have to walk, crap piled on the sofa so you can't sit down, dishes stacked up for weeks at a time and stink so bad she opens a window and lights a scented candle instead of cleaning the dishes, laundry is done and then "stacked" in the floor or on top of other clutter, and the floors are covered in dirt because she does not vacuum.

Her best friend helped her clean the house up over 2 days, but within a month my wife had it right back cluttered up again. I took the initiative to clean it myself once, and got chewed out over it because I threw out some crap that she wanted to keep, even though it hadn't moved in months and was covered in dust.

Our arrangement for duties when we got married was that I would do ALL the yard work, take out the trash, keep the vehicles cleaned and serviced, be the primary bread winner (I'm a cop, 40-50 hours per week) as well as help raise our son (who is now 3 years old). Her job, while working part time, would be to keep the house clean, do dishes, laundry, and split the cooking duties with me (I like to cook).

It is not fair to me or my young son to have to live like this. I thought I was having general anxiety over this issue about a year ago, and even after marriage counseling where she admitted that she was lazy and unmotivated to clean, she refused to do anything in the house to see if it would help my anxiety (later tests showed a pinched nerve in my neck which triggered anxiety-like symptoms in the brachial plexus).

To me, it seems she just does not respect me or my wishes to have a clean house for my family. This is further established because for our wedding, my mother paid $1,000 for pictures and my wife, who was taking the proof book with her to work every day, NEVER ordered the pictures, even though I asked to see that proof book numerous times and wanted to get them ordered.

She works part time, then sits on the bed or couch the rest of the time watching TV, Netflix, or piddling around in the house doing next to nothing.

I don't want a divorce because of my son (hate statistical broken American families), but at the same time I can't go on like this. Talking does no good. Leading by example does no good. 

What do I do?


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## CantePe

Sounds like she is a hoarder. It's a disease, she needs counselling. Hoarding comes as a sub type of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder).

You need to nip this in the bud now while it's still workable and not years and years of hoard.

This disease has NOTHING to do with laziness, it's a compulsion usually stemming from an emotional trauma (death of a parent, child, assault, growing up with nothing, something emotionally traumatic).

You are describing classic signs and symptoms of compulsive hoarding, they get mad at someone for throwing stuff out on them without their input and compulsively hold on to things or hoard shift (shifting stuff around, never getting rid of it).

Hoarding: Symptoms - MayoClinic.com


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## grenville

CantePe said:


> Sounds like she is a hoarder. It's a disease, she needs counselling. Hoarding comes as a sub type of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder).
> 
> You need to nip this in the bud now while it's still workable and not years and years of hoard.
> 
> This disease has NOTHING to do with laziness, it's a compulsion usually stemming from an emotional trauma (death of a parent, child, assault, growing up with nothing, something emotionally traumatic).
> 
> You are describing classic signs and symptoms of compulsive hoarding, they get mad at someone for throwing stuff out on them without their input and compulsively hold on to things or hoard shift (shifting stuff around, never getting rid of it).
> 
> Hoarding: Symptoms - MayoClinic.com


Seconded. I have a friend who is a hoarder and only serious pychiatric intervention has ever made any difference. If she won't accept she has a problem or won't get treatment, you can leave without needing to feel guilty I would say.


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## Ten_year_hubby

TSG2010 said:


> It is not fair to me or my young son to have to live like this. I thought I was having general anxiety over this issue about a year ago, and even after marriage counseling where she admitted that she was lazy and unmotivated to clean, she refused to do anything in the house to see if it would help my anxiety
> 
> To me, it seems she just does not respect me or my wishes to have a clean house for my family.
> 
> She works part time, then sits on the bed or couch the rest of the time watching TV, Netflix, or piddling around in the house doing next to nothing.
> 
> I don't want a divorce because of my son (hate statistical broken American families), but at the same time I can't go on like this. Talking does no good. Leading by example does no good.
> 
> What do I do?


I'm sorry to be the one who has to tell you this, but clearly the answer is to do it yourself. I did and my life improved a thousand percent. If paying for outside help is an option for you, do it.


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## TSG2010

Ten_year_hubby said:


> I'm sorry to be the one who has to tell you this, but clearly the answer is to do it yourself. I did and my life improved a thousand percent. If paying for outside help is an option for you, do it.


That's not a solution, that's putting a bandaid on a slowly oozing wound that will fester and get worse with time. I am not one to give in and become whipped and take on all responsibility while she gets a free ride to do nothing. A marriage is a partnership, a TEAM. There is no "I" in team...


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## PBear

TSG2010 said:


> That's not a solution, that's putting a bandaid on a slowly oozing wound that will fester and get worse with time. I am not one to give in and become whipped and take on all responsibility while she gets a free ride to do nothing. A marriage is a partnership, a TEAM. There is no "I" in team...


I would agree with this. It would be different if you were both working full time, and between the two of you, you couldn't keep up. If she's not willing to acknowledge there's a problem and start working on it, I'd be getting out of there. 

With regards to your son, yes, in an ideal world it would be best that he have two parents in the house. Two healthy, happy parents that can show him a healthy marriage relationship. But that's not what you have. Would you want him to be in a marriage like what you're living in right now? Because that's what you're setting him up for.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ten_year_hubby

TSG2010 said:


> ... a slowly oozing wound that will fester and get worse with time. I am not one to give in and become whipped and take on all responsibility while she gets a free ride to do nothing.


With all due respect, this is the language of victimization.


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## Sanity

Ten_year_hubby said:


> With all due respect, this is the language of victimization.


I disagree. I see a man thats had enough of having a dependent when he needs a wife. It's my experience that us men can put up with alot but laziness in a wife is just not tolerable especially if the working spouse is working an avg of 50+ hours a week. Laziness, mental illness it doesn't matter. She needs to get help and fix this or he should move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000

TSG2010 said:


> That's not a solution, that's putting a bandaid on a slowly oozing wound that will fester and get worse with time. I am not one to give in and become whipped and take on all responsibility while she gets a free ride to do nothing. A marriage is a partnership, a TEAM. There is no "I" in team...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

She has some mental / emotional issues. Yeah you kinda knew this going in but you came to an agreement. Sometimes it is a matter of someone maturing and taking on responsibility. She has some serious issues. This is no way to live. I have seen this in others myself. Very frustrating. It does no good to enable this behavior. A lazy or unwilling spouse who will not do their share or will not live up to agreements is not being a fit partner and it is not a trigger for the other to become a doormat and do more. Her behavior should be unacceptable. She needs help.


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## olderblue-eyes

TS, your story is so smilar to mine! It sounds like your wife gets defensive when you try to tell her how her behavior makes you feel. Does she accuse you of being (in a word) shrill? Does she say you're "yelling at her" when you gently but firmly express your frustration? Mine does. Weve had 2 yrs of weekly couple work with a PhD. Sadly we are back in the same boat, together w/ our 3 kids (8, 11,and 13). 

I hope you find peace and the partnership you deserve. If you are reaching out on this site, you are a well-meaning and reasonable guy. I think separation or divorce would be the right choice for you and your son. 

Best of luck.


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## inspiredpauper

I have this same issue. I'm not a cleaner at ALL, but its not that I'm lazy. I grew up that way, and no one ever told me otherwise. When someone finally did, I was upset that I was "wrong" and didn't like the "put-downs" that came with it. Finally, when being on my own, I had to do daily stuff to keep bugs out of my apartment. When I had a kid though, things really changed. I keep the house picked up now, and everything is kid proofed. It's probably not that she's lazy but she lacks the motivation and knowledge and it probably overwhelms her. Get her excited about it. Get an organizer over there to show her how neat it CAN be. I LOVE ikea now. I love organizing!!!


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## luckycardinal

I'd seek marital counseling ASAP. You said you don't want a divorce so perhaps marriage counseling can get her to see how fed up you are and maybe she will try to change then. If she is in fact a "hoarder," then the counselor should be able to see that and refer her to someone who can help her with these problems (OCD specialist). Maybe she's depressed and that's why she feels so unmotivated.


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## GutPou

You are lucky 1000$ i bought a vacuum of 400$ she never use once i haven't see my wife clean the blind , the shelf , under the bed , my clothes, she use dirty dishes towel to clean the tv, she treat me worse than her dogs and she find this funny but my family can see everything for months and she doesn't even react . i show them via skype every 2 weeks and its unbelievable . the worse that she pretend to be a white clean house that she does everything because when she is back she get use to see a perfect place but in fact she cheat her mind because i'm the guy who put this 5 stars in cleaning inspection. My buddy high rank came to visit me the other day because i was trying to get a job but when he saw my wife beauty setup and th fact my clothes was not clean and her yes . he was mouth on the floor to see how people on those days are not united. like united nation but now for couple united couple. hard to kill would say steven seagal but i believe in a better tomorrow and stop me to do all that part that i can go work so dirty its in the place . i suffer from that. i cant tell her all the emotion that i feel from it because she reject me and put me away from her family to make sure i don't talk a guess i don't know . but still i love my wife she is so beautiful on my eye , my heart is broken in two what can i do girls and boys to receive a miracle in that insoluble place . For now i decided to copy her but i feel like a baby and to listen people to divorce her for that is not an option. what can we do


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