# My Wife doesn't want me sexually



## R Lane (Oct 5, 2019)

Hey everybody, so this post may be a little long winded, but please bare with me, because I feel like I need to explain this thoroughly and I need advise. 

Me and my wife have been together for about 10.5 years all together, and December will make 8 that we've been married. My wife does love and care about me, but it just seems to be the physical intimacy that is not there for her. For the duration of our relationship pre marriage, the sex, passion, and other things were fine. My Wife would come on to me and she showed passion. However it seems like the instant after we got married it changed. 

Now before I continue I am aware of the body and life after having a kid issue, that can really make things hard for women when it comes to sex in a marriage but she had already been through having a child prior to us dating, also we conceived and had our child while we were still just engaged. So I Don't really understand how that would fit here, it just wouldn't make sense. 

Now I will admit earlier on in our marriage I didn't do the best at communicating and connecting with her emotionally but after a couple of years I started to be a lot more of that man. I know that desire and passion doesn't work the same way for most women like it does most men. There have been plenty of nights where we have just laid in bed and cuddled watching a movie or just staying up talking to one another with no pressure or intention of sex. I compliment her, I show her romantic gestures, I listen to her, ya know just trying to do all the things a husband should for his wife because I care about her and I lover her. 

But my wife just doesn't seem to want me, she doesn't desire me or make any moves. I am always the one who has to initiate. The only few times she has, was after me talking about it, and even then it felt kinda half hearted. We easily go at least 1 or 1.5 months between sex, and there has been several stretches of multiple months. I have talked with her about this multiple times, letting her know that I don't wanna feel like I'm begging for something she doesn't necessarily want to happen. 

There has always been a different reasoning for the lack of our physical interaction, whether it be something body related, she is stressed and doesn't feel like it, she doesn't want it to get "old", and so on. And I just don't understand. I tell here she's beautiful to me and she can be comfortable about who she is with me. One of her relationships prior to me, was one where the guy only really wanted one thing. Now I have thought to myself before, could that be what's hindering her in our relationship, but I talked with her about it, she said it's not an issue, and she knows that is not who I am. I want her sexually because she is the woman I love and it allows me to be closer to her than anyone. 

However even after multiple talks and going through all these things, the sexual state of our marriage still seems to be same. As I stated at the beginning, I know my Wife loves me and cares about me. We can talk, do activities together, hug, and hold hands to our hearts content, but as soon as it comes to anything more physical than a kiss on the lips, she's not that interested. When asked, she has told me that she desires me, that she wants me, that I'm attractive to her, but what's happening in reality is telling me the exact opposite. 

Just recently because she has had a hard stressful last few months, I surprised her with a setup for her to completely relax and unwind, now I didn't expect sex nor was it my intentions, but ironically she started her period that day, but it was okay because that's wasn't the point, but what got to me was she said she was sorry that the evening wasn't playing out like I had planned. Like she was sorry that I couldn't get what I "apparently" wanted, instead of her expressing anything about being upset or bummed that SHE couldn't do something she wanted. It's stuff like that which makes believe that it's just not something she desires. 

When we have made love she seems to not mind and appears to be enjoying it, but I wonder if she only does because she is scared I will leave her or because she feels like she has to appease me. Bc I don't want that. I can't do that with someone who doesn't want me back, it just feels awkward and not genuine. Has anyone experienced this, does anyone have any suggestions on what I should do? I Love my wife and I just wanna fix this. But I am at a loss as to what else I can do.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

You have reached the 10 year mark with kids. This is a really difficult time.

I suspect the problem is that like most women, your wife just doesn't understand that you are not a "sex maniac" but that you need physical intimacy to express yourself and feel connection and love with her.


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## R Lane (Oct 5, 2019)

Yeah, it is hard. I just don't get why it changed, I have stayed up and cried at night before trying to figure out what I did wrong or what I lack.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Ok, could be she did the bait & switch. Your the guy she settled for, not the one she wanted. Any prior boyfriends dump her & she is pining for them?

First, make sure you do your share of all chores around house. Take care of your own crap.
Read No More Mr. Nice Guy.
Find time to work out, lift weights hard. Several reasons for this. you get into shape so other women start paying attention to you, it may open your wife's eyes. Also, if your relationship fails, your in better shape for the next one.

Read The 5 Love Languages (both of you) and discuss what each of yours are.

Send your wife this link & let her know that time together is important.
https://forgivenwife.com/husbands-emotional-need/

Doing the above may or may not change things, you wonder what's wrong with you. Guess what, good chance it is NOT you. It's her.

At least if your buff, you can find the next one quicker.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Ok, could be she did the bait & switch. Your the guy she settled for, not the one she wanted. Any prior boyfriends dump her & she is pining for them?
> 
> First, make sure you do your share of all chores around house. Take care of your own crap.
> Read No More Mr. Nice Guy.
> ...





R Lane said:


> Yeah, it is hard. I just don't get why it changed, I have stayed up and cried at night before trying to figure out *what I did wrong or what I lack*.


you didn't do anything and you don't lack anything. Do you need to learn some new skills to navigate this new phase in your relationship? Probably. As FSH says above, get going on you. Also His Needs Her Needs. 

I have to tell you that if she's anything like my sphere, its "always the guys fault and the guys just don't get it."
THATS NOT TRUE. Women, IMO are being sold a crock of cr*p and convinced that their needs are the only ones that matter and if guys were more like women we would all be better and happier. Women nowadays are told they don't have to do that. That men should learn their language. Period.

In this life if you meet someone from another country who didn't speak your language and you loved them, you would try to learn their language and hope they would learn yours so that you could meet halfway.

Learn hers, definitely. IF she's willing, help her to learn yours. If she's not willing, you have some decisions to make.


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## R Lane (Oct 5, 2019)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Ok, could be she did the bait & switch. Your the guy she settled for, not the one she wanted. Any prior boyfriends dump her & she is pining for them?
> 
> First, make sure you do your share of all chores around house. Take care of your own crap.
> Read No More Mr. Nice Guy.
> ...



No, I'm the only man in the equation for sure. But compared to me, the other guys she was with were basically no good, I fear sometimes that she married me for the fact that I was the first good man in her life, who treated her well and was a good father, but she isn't necessarily attracted to or turned on by me...and she doesn't have the heart to admit it...idk...but we will look at it. Thanks


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

A lot of women have responsive desire. Or otherwise said, they only get worked up for sex, while in the process of having it (foreplay and the like). So have you tried just going for it? Assertively seducing her? You haven't come across as very aggressive, more of a "only if you want to dear" type, which you might consider changing.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

"However it seems like the instant after we got married it changed."

You got "bait and switched". More then likely she married you more for your friendship, your ability to be a provider and father to children then for her attraction to you. Unfortunately, this becoming a more and more common trend. 
I would definitely do some investigating to find out if she is getting her needs met outside of your marriage. 
Concentrate on yourself, make yourself into the man YOU want to be not who you think SHE wants you to be.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

RL, reading your post your by definitions in a sexless marriage. But do you have sex when you always initiate, or is it even when you initiate no go? W
Some women just don't initiate and would rather have the man takes what he wants. Do you ensure that she is taken care of? Always isn't necessary all the time, but if she O's it would be better for her as well.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

R Lane said:


> No, I'm the only man in the equation for sure. But compared to me, the other guys she was with were basically no good, I fear sometimes that she married me for the fact that I was the first good man in her life, who treated her well and was a good father, but she isn't necessarily attracted to or turned on by me...and she doesn't have the heart to admit it...idk...but we will look at it. Thanks


It could be a bit different than the "bait & switch" some suggest. Your wife might have had a more "fun" lifestyle before meeting you and settling down. She might have previously associated everything leading up to sex as pleasurable, but sex itself she associated with in a negative fashion due to prior experiences. Of course, the "tell" in this scenario is that the sex turns off pretty much as soon as it happen, rather than waiting until actually married. 

In my case, I didn't give enough thought to the fact that my wife was responsive/downright horny/greatly passionate doing everything up until the point we had sex. And then, crossing that barrier, it was like I ran into a buzz saw. Her desire plummeted. And stayed that way for decades. She never had interest in sex (other than doing what "needed" to be done because she was a married woman) until 6 months into her first pregnancy, when the hormones raged. Sex was even painful for her for the first 11 years, until the first kid came along. Painful due to vaginismus, likely brought on by a prior sexual trauma. I didn't figure this out until recently, 42 years later. Crazy. 

I would suggest really talking to her about her past and see if there's something that needs to be dealt with. It's going to be tough because you'll probably hear how you were what she was looking for, a safe option, and in her mind she sees that as a positive thing and in your mind it will slice through your guts like a hot knife.


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## R Lane (Oct 5, 2019)

BioFury said:


> A lot of women have responsive desire. Or otherwise said, they only get worked up for sex, while in the process of having it (foreplay and the like). So have you tried just going for it? Assertively seducing her? You haven't come across as very aggressive, more of a "only if you want to dear" type, which you might consider changing.


Yeah I have been assertive at times, but when she doesn't want to she means it. Like I said though, if I have to continually always be the one to make the first move then what's the point? Ya know...It's supposed to be a shared thing, not a one way street.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I know a man whose wife never initiates sex but if he does she is always willing and enjoys it. Does your wife often refuse you if you initiate it? Or is she usually willing?


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## R Lane (Oct 5, 2019)

Numb26 said:


> "However it seems like the instant after we got married it changed."
> 
> You got "bait and switched". More then likely she married you more for your friendship, your ability to be a provider and father to children then for her attraction to you. Unfortunately, this becoming a more and more common trend.
> I would definitely do some investigating to find out if she is getting her needs met outside of your marriage.
> Concentrate on yourself, make yourself into the man YOU want to be not who you think SHE wants you to be.


Well I'm definitely gonna be me no matter what, I learned from past relationships I was in that it's not worth trying to be who you aren't for someone else. And honestly being with her has made me a better man in ways, but this lack of passion is killing me inside. And I just can't say well it will be okay and we can just continue like this, I can't do it. I fear that what you said in the beginning may be true though, I've actually wondered before myself if that was the case because as I told someone else here in the thread, I'm the first man that she has been with that was actually good to and for her.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

How is you and your wife's physical appearance? 
Can shame be a factor? Or is one of you better in physical shape. Body hygiene a factor? Do you keep your appearance up and taken care of?


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## R Lane (Oct 5, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> I know a man whose wife never initiates sex but if he does she is always willing and enjoys it. Does your wife often refuse you if you initiate it? Or is she usually willing?


She is unless she says something is going on and she doesn't want to or she rather sleep. Last year about this time we had a major long talk about this and she said she wasnt confident in herself iniating, which struck me as odd because she didn't really have that problem before we married, there were time when she would jump me outta nowhere and just do what she wanted and it was great, but I told her just do it, that nothing she could do would embarrass her or turn me away, and she did do it a handful of times in the 3 or 4 months following that, but then it ceased, and we were right back into the same boat. But I have started initiating less and less over the last year and what scares me is that it seems to not bother her much.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

If you figure it out, write a book. It will be a best seller. Seriously, good luck. Been there, done that.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Are you a good lover?
Does she seem very satisfied with your skills?


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## R Lane (Oct 5, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> How is you and your wife's physical appearance?
> Can shame be a factor? Or is one of you better in physical shape. Body hygiene a factor? Do you keep your appearance up and taken care of?


I mean we both take good care of ourselves and keep our appearances presentable. And we are both confident in our looks. However my wife has struggled with having a little extra weight on her, but she is currently losing weight and getting back to a size shes more comfortable with. But she knows that I find her attractive regardless. And she says that she is doing it just to better herself but that she is still fine with who she is. Idk, maybe it could be bothering her and she just won't admit it to me.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

You were plan B from the start. She likes you like a friend and good father, but that's it. I have seen this before. Almost always, there's a pining for the "bad boy" in her background. You are secure and safe, but her heart is with who she left behind.


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## R Lane (Oct 5, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> RL, reading your post your by definitions in a sexless marriage. But do you have sex when you always initiate, or is it even when you initiate no go? W
> Some women just don't initiate and would rather have the man takes what he wants. Do you ensure that she is taken care of? Always isn't necessary all the time, but if she O's it would be better for her as well.


I guess I'm doing fine at it, she hasn't made any complaints, I've asked her a few times if she was satisfied, and she has told me yeah, but she has also told me that it doesn't matter, so it kind of confuses me. I always try to do my best, that is what I do know. And yeah if I initiate it happens, as long as she feels like it or unless she rather sleep.


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## R Lane (Oct 5, 2019)

[email protected] said:


> You were plan B from the start. She likes you like a friend and good father, but that's it. I have seen this before. Almost always, there's a pining for the "bad boy" in her background. You are secure and safe, but her heart is with who she left behind.


Well I seriously hope that's not true seeing as who she was with. But I plan on talking to her again about this very soon, it's been about year since we last talked about it. But this time we have to get down to the very bottom of this I wanna know the whole truth and nothing but truth.


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## R Lane (Oct 5, 2019)

Spicy said:


> Are you a good lover?
> Does she seem very satisfied with your skills?


I guess so, she hasn't given me any complaints, but I have also asked her before if it happened for her like it did for me and she told me it didn't matter about that, that all she cared about was "being close to me". Should I be alarmed that it may not be sexual at all for her? Idk I'm confused...


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

R Lane said:


> She is unless she says something is going on and she doesn't want to or she rather sleep. Last year about this time we had a major long talk about this and she said she wasnt confident in herself iniating, which struck me as odd because she didn't really have that problem before we married, there were time when she would jump me outta nowhere and just do what she wanted and it was great, but I told her just do it, that nothing she could do would embarrass her or turn me away, and she did do it a handful of times in the 3 or 4 months following that, but then it ceased, and we were right back into the same boat. But I have started initiating less and less over the last year and what scares me is that it seems to not bother her much.


I'm looking from the outside, soooooo... Yes when you initiate good to go but on occasion she says no understandable. No my take is your are controlling and being passive aggressive, so you make her suffer because you don't get your way. What you are displaying is Beta traits, and no Alpha traits. 

So you pout and complain, it's time to man up and get back on the horse man. If no one else sees this it sure looks this way to me. Time to stop being a little boy and take charge and be assertive in a loving sense, not cruel or unloving. 

Its been said by you already by you, you are thinking of splitting, men don't spilt they assertively see what's broken and fix it " You sometime have to get your hand dirty when you change the oil" well this is the same it REQUIRES YOU!! to make the decision to (fill in the blank) and get it done.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

R Lane said:


> I guess so, she hasn't given me any complaints, but I have also asked her before if it happened for her like it did for me and she told me it didn't matter about that, that all she cared about was "being close to me". Should I be alarmed that it may not be sexual at all for her? Idk I'm confused...


If what you do in bed is pretty much always the same, I would definitely come up with some new ways to light her fire. Boring, vanilla, same routine every time usually doesn’t work well for women, and kinda makes us (well, me) feel like...yawn...it’s hard to get into it, and I freakin love sex....


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

R Lane said:


> I guess I'm doing fine at it, she hasn't made any complaints, I've asked her a few times if she was satisfied, and she has told me yeah, but she has also told me that it doesn't matter, so it kind of confuses me. I always try to do my best, that is what I do know. And yeah if I initiate it happens, as long as she feels like it or unless she rather sleep.


Have you or can you notice when she O's ? Or just taking her word.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You, we, all of us take this life we have so personally.

We are what we are, we are all different, some find compatible partners, many don't

Don't, can't, should not expect to.

At least not totally compatible. 
Comfortably so, is the dream.

And...

It, the odds, are even greater when you take two sides of the coin and try to see both sides at the same time and in the same way.

Men are men, women are women.

There is a huge gulf here, between the sexes. It was made that way by those madmen Yin and Yang.

I curse them, so shalt thou.

Yes, you do.
..............................................................

Secretly-
I no longer do, nor should you.

Accept people for who they are, good, bad or indifferent. mingle with those you like of.

Mangle not, those who you mash against.
Just move on and smile.



from the Archives of SunCMars- he had been drinking of mead when he wrote that.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

R Lane said:


> ...Now I will admit earlier on in our marriage I didn't do the best at communicating and connecting with her emotionally but after a couple of years I started to be a lot more of that man...


Ironically you things earlier in the marriage were better when you were not a good communicator? 

I am joking a bit by asking that question because it seems as though a women's libido is driven by uncovering the mysteries about her mate. Once all the mysteries are uncovered then things are boring and the spark is gone. 

Yet the typical person goes to great lengths to hide many things from their spouse. These are the things about yourself that perhaps you don't like or fear that revealing them might harm the relationship. For the stereotypical male imagine him handing over his computer and encouraging his spouse to go through all his porn browser history in detail and being confident about himself in case she has any questions. Most men HIDE such things from a spouse because they fear that revealing it will cause harm to the relationship. 

I am not accusing you of using porn, but just using that as an example of something most men hide from a spouse. The reality is that hiding is a form of lying. Lying undermines trust. Undermining trust absolutely destroys intimacy and closeness. 

So spend time thinking about your marriage. Focusing on trust and communication ask yourself if there is any way to work on improving those two things? Are there things about your personality that you hide from your wife? Something as simple as sneaking out for a cheeseburger while she is at home trying to cook a healthy meal. 

If there are those things, try opening up to your wife. If there are things you don't like about yourself, you can ask your wife to help you improve those things about yourself. In doing so, she will be encouraged to do the same with herself for you. As you work through those things, intimacy will gradually improve. Why, because by being brave and working on yourself, it reinvigorates the spark of something new and mysterious happening that serves as a positive force in your marriage. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Woman here. It sounds like she may not orgasm regular or at all. Most women if asked will say yeah that was great because we love our men and they get upset if we say no. They also get upset if we lie. It's one of those lose lose situations.

I love and desire my husband but I'm responsive desire. I prefer him to initiate. If she isn't turning you down all the time I wouldn't take that as a sign she doesn't want you.

The fact she is saying it doesn't matter if she orgasms probably means no. That can be tricky. On one hand if you make it all about her O then she'll get self conscious. That will only make things worse. But on the other hand if she doesn't ever really O that means sex is mostly to make you feel good and therefore won't be high on her list.

Also remember for women things can change drastically after birth (even a second child can be different than the first) or with hormone changes. Things that felt great 5 years ago may now be meh.

If you are relying on PIV only, it is rare for women to O from that. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

R Lane said:


> No, I'm the only man in the equation for sure. But compared to me, the other guys she was with were basically no good, I fear sometimes that she married me for the fact that I was the first good man in her life, who treated her well and was a good father, but she isn't necessarily attracted to or turned on by me...and she doesn't have the heart to admit it...idk...but we will look at it. Thanks


read the MMSLP book linked to below

Is your wife at all concerned you might leave her?

How long ago did this start? How did it evolve?

Rarely initiating is not a problem in my mind. However, rejecting your advances frequently is a deal breaker.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I have some key questions for you, OP:

How many times do you plan to "talk" to her about it?

Are you willing to rock your marital boat in an effort to improve this?

Would the once per month frequency be okay with you if she initiated more? If not, what frequency would be your minimum acceptable? How about ideal?

What technique (oral, etc.) is your go-to to make her O?

How active are you (gym, etc.)?

How often do you go do things on your own or with your guy friends?



Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

R Lane said:


> No, I'm the only man in the equation for sure. But compared to me, the other guys she was with were basically no good, I fear sometimes that she married me for the fact that I was the first good man in her life, who treated her well and was a good father, but she isn't necessarily attracted to or turned on by me...and she doesn't have the heart to admit it...idk...but we will look at it. Thanks


This is a MAJOR problem. Read my original thread. My wife married me because she felt "safe" with me.

I've spent 33 years working on trying to be best husband I could be. Recently she threw a fit over a question I asked. I asked question one day, two days later she suddenly is very upset and packs a bag and moves out.

I filed for divorce when she told me she wasn't coming home 10 days later. Guess what, I have since found out that this Sunday School teaching, sex averse person at LEAST has a EA going with a FB friend that she knew in college that she reconnected with a couple of months before everything went south. Her PM's went way up on phone.

Become the best man you can be for yourself. ** disclaimer, I am currently in middle of divorce proceedings. So I'm jaded right now.

Has she told you that your boring? That you are too reliable?

Sometimes a person takes it too heart that it must be themselves that are not good enough, when actually the other person has made up their mind that they want someone new.:frown2:


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

R Lane said:


> She is unless she says something is going on and she doesn't want to or she rather sleep. Last year about this time we had a major long talk about this and she said she wasnt confident in herself iniating, which struck me as odd because she didn't really have that problem before we married, there were time when she would jump me outta nowhere and just do what she wanted and it was great, but I told her just do it, that nothing she could do would embarrass her or turn me away, and she did do it a handful of times in the 3 or 4 months following that, but then it ceased, and we were right back into the same boat. But I have started initiating less and less over the last year and what scares me is that it seems to not bother her much.


Ask her if it bothers her that you have noticed you are pulling away from her?


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

You're committing what I call "the five mistakes". The mistakes are, ironically, what men think they need to do to get their wife in the mood again. I wrote about it in my book. I also cover the "Lover vs. Provider" dynamic others have pointed out. 

Lastly, I have a private Facebook group for men in Dead Bedrooms. Many of them in the group have read the book and provide feedback.

Download the book here.
You can also purchase on Amazon here.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Regarding her response to whether or not she was satisfied in bed. It sounds like you can't tell when she orgasms. My wife has tells that she isn't aware of and could not fake one with me if she wanted too. Do you KNOW she is having orgasms? Only a small percentage of women orgasm by penetration only. How do you give her a climax?

FOO. Many men with your problem come here and find their wives were sexually abused when young. Do you KNOW for sure this can not be the case? This is particularly true if the cutback in sex happens soon after marriage or birth of a child.

Read the MMSLP book below.

Obviously, you need to investigate to see if there is another man/men involved. NO ONE is immune to this possibility.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

R Lane said:


> Hey everybody, so this post may be a little long winded, but please bare with me, because I feel like I need to explain this thoroughly and I need advise.
> 
> Me and my wife have been together for about 10.5 years all together, and December will make 8 that we've been married. My wife does love and care about me, but it just seems to be the physical intimacy that is not there for her. For the duration of our relationship pre marriage, the sex, passion, and other things were fine. My Wife would come on to me and she showed passion. However it seems like the instant after we got married it changed.
> 
> ...


Please don't be discouraged. 

I thought your post was going to be about how your wife told you she didn't want you sexually anymore. 

But your post is about your disappointment in how your wife responds to you sexually.

As a woman who has been in your wife's position, I can tell you that things are making more of a turning point since he has been reading "She Comes First"

My husband said he has really learned a lot from reading it. 

Some women - and apparently I'm one of them, have a hard time receiving pleasure. I'm not going to get into the whys and wherefore's of all that because it doesn't matter. 

What matters is women and their partners find a way for the woman to receive pleasure and not feel like sex is only a conduit for keeping their man from leaving them - that it's really, really okay for a woman to receive pleasure and that it's really possible that her partner wants her and loves her and it's not just all about him having to have an orgasm and using her for a pleasure hole.

Sorry if that's graphic, but that can become why women sort of slip off into this abyss of depression around sex. I know it's been an issue for me. Even though I love sex and love orgasms, the fear of not having an orgasm, coupled with my husband not understanding that I perceive sexual experiences completely differently than he does - created a divide that made both of us unhappy. 

We are really trying - and I have to say he has poured on the enthusiasm for what pleasures me recently - and I can really tell the difference. 

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't a panacea - we have a lot of work to do here...both of us. There's so much about society's attitudes about sex that has messed with the minds of both of us. We just want to love each other and enjoy the magnitude of physical pleasures that don't put pressure on us to only go for an O all the time. It's, like, you aren't successful unless you have this huge theatrical O - and, frankly, that kind of pressure makes it really hard to just enjoy some basic physical love. 

So, anyway, when my husband started reading "She Comes First" - (and I haven't read it) apparently a switch has gone off for him - where he seems to have discovered that woman sex is this vast forest and not just a Quik Stop. He seems to love it and I'm certainly incredibly enthused also. 

If I can add an aside: having small children in the house can be a challenge for finding sexy times together. Planning is critical for this. Hopefully, there are people who can work with you to watch the kiddos to ensure you both get relaxed, uninterrupted regular sexy time.


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## Watershed (Oct 8, 2014)

I think there are lots of men in this stage of marriage. Unfortunately, your concerns that she's not attracted to you are likely correct. I think the support for this is within the comments you have made, and the examples you have given during your marriage to her. This is difficult to accept, but you'll have to make a decision on how to deal with this or it will eventually destroy your marriage anyway. And it's very unlikely the she'll be the one that makes any changes. 

You really only have two choices, accept that you wife is not sexually attracted to you (this is the miserable choice most men settle for) or you get out and find someone that really loves you and is physically attracted to you. It's not the easy choice, but it is possible to find this person, and you deserve better.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

This comes up all the time. You can read books, buy flowers, do all the housework, generally kiss her ass and you'll get exactly the same. Now I'm sure you'll hear the poor muffin sob story, etc, etc, etc.

You got a roommate not a marriage. You can stay and wallow in this for years and nothing will change.

Smoking the hopium pipe won't get you a thing.

If you can't fix the obvious (you). Nothing changes


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

farsidejunky said:


> I have some key questions for you, OP:
> 
> How many times do you plan to "talk" to her about it?
> 
> ...


I think these are good questions.


Looking to what you shared here, well, as her 'boyfriend' did you used to stay up talking all night without the intention of sex? 

From what you wrote here, there was a change in communication/the dynamic. Bring elements of that old 'boyfriend-self' back into the equation... 



R Lane said:


> Now I will admit earlier on in our marriage I didn't do the best at communicating and connecting with her emotionally but after a couple of years I started to be a lot more of that man. I know that desire and passion doesn't work the same way for most women like it does most men. There have been plenty of nights where we have just laid in bed and cuddled watching a movie or just staying up talking to one another with no pressure or intention of sex. I compliment her, I show her romantic gestures, I listen to her, ya know just trying to do all the things a husband should for his wife because I care about her and I lover her.



As for this part, as an outsider looking in, I wouldn't have recognized an issue with her saying that she was sorry the evening wasn't playing out like you had planned. Could your perception be clouding that she simply felt 'bummed' that she had her period that night? Granted, I also write this from my own perception when my husband and I were staying overnight at a hotel and I got my period... which can hit me really bad with symptoms, unfortunately that night it did, and quite suddenly. I just needed to curl up in a ball, and I put on the shirt he'd been wearing earlier. I wasn't signalling anything about my desire, or willingness to be naked with him. It was simply that I felt like crap and doing the best I could to get comfortable. I also know that when my hormones do a number on me like that, I'm not the smoothest of operators. My intention is not to disregard what you are feeling here though, just offering a different take. 



R Lane said:


> Just recently because she has had a hard stressful last few months, I surprised her with a setup for her to completely relax and unwind, now I didn't expect sex nor was it my intentions, but ironically she started her period that day, but it was okay because that's wasn't the point, but what got to me was she said she was sorry that the evening wasn't playing out like I had planned. Like she was sorry that I couldn't get what I "apparently" wanted, instead of her expressing anything about being upset or bummed that SHE couldn't do something she wanted. It's stuff like that which makes believe that it's just not something she desires.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

God, it is so difficult, this Mars/Venus dynamic.

Is it no wonder that men turn to porn, and women turn to romantic novels and daily soap operas?

It is one thing to fight society for your supper, it is another thing to be faced with the need to fight for intimacy with your spouse.

If you don't eat, you shrivel up and die.
If you don't have intimacy....oh my! It has the same outcome.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Respectfully, this is more than just a Mars/Venus dynamic.

This wife only wants sex with her husband once every month to month and a half! Being the Venus party of a couple doesn't by default equal no desire for your Mars spouse. 

Plenty of Venus's WANT their spouse, have attraction to him. Want and need to be sexually close to him, and often!! 

It's not a Venus Mars thing. It's a -----my partner isn't attracted to me---- thing.




SunCMars said:


> God, it is so difficult, this Mars/Venus dynamic.
> 
> Is it no wonder that men turn to porn, and women turn to romantic novels and daily soap operas?
> 
> ...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Has marriage or sexual counseling ever been a part of the equation?*


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

badsanta said:


> Ironically you things earlier in the marriage were better when you were not a good communicator?
> 
> I am joking a bit by asking that question because it seems as though a women's libido is driven by uncovering the mysteries about her mate. Once all the mysteries are uncovered then things are boring and the spark is gone.
> 
> ...


THIS has to be one of the best comments i have ever read here!!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I think this whole thing is a covert contract. 

Do not focus on your wife’s sexuality at all. Zero. Full stop. Think of it as her secret garden, surrounded by thorny bushes and a big gate with a lock on it that she’s put there to keep you out. It’s her property, her space, not yours. 

You have to be invited. And you’re not invited. You, specifically, are not wanted there. So stop trying to climb the gates, pick the lock, or put on armour to get through the thorns and just stay the hell out of somewhere you’re not wanted. Because if you do somehow get in there, she’ll just want to throw you out, anyway.

Instead, focus on yourself. 

What do you want from sex? Why do you want those things? When you’re taking your last breath and think about your sex life, what is it that you’re going to be sad you missed out on or happy you got to do? Do you even know what you want from sex or why?

I seriously once spent months just thinking and writing about this. And it had zero to do with my wife. I actually discovered a lot about myself, what drives me, what I want, and why I wanted it. So later, I could actually clearly articulate it, without beating around the bush or being unclear or embarrassed about it. I learned to better own my own sexuality and stand up for what I wanted. 

Next, live those truths you’ve now uncovered. Fully integrate your sexuality into who you are. Be unabashedly sexual. Not in an icky, grabby, pervy way, but in a “I am who I am” kind of way. Accept yourself. You can imagine what happened with my wife would say things like “I’m not really in the mood but we can do whatever you want tonight” and then I do something crazy - only for myself. I can say that the majority of the time when I was no holds barred and forthright about my own pleasure... she usually got very, very into it.

Be willing to pleasure her, but only if she wants it. Don’t try to ‘convince’ her to get off or get in the mood. Her sexual satisfaction is her accountability. You take some responsibility in a monogamous relationship, but she is ultimately the one that is in charge there, and if she wants to starve herself of pleasure, that’s her business.

Be ruthlessly honest. Not in a brutal, ego depleting way, but answer a question honestly that’s put to you. I used to always beat around the bush about finding other women attractive for example - my wife can be extremely jealous. But after I went through this, if she’d ask me if I thought someone was hot, I’d answer honestly. If she asked why, I’d answer honestly. It would hurt her sometimes, but she actually appreciated the honesty more. And she learned to trust me more, in a way that caught me off guard. She got to know me more, understand me more, and rely on my word more. And that goes in all ways - including doing something if I said I was going to do it.

Along the way, be your best self. I hope you’re eating right, working out, dressing well, smelling well, all that stuff. Taking care of business. There’s something to be said for doing stuff like working out like a madman and then walking around the house sweaty with no shirt on... but only if you don’t do it with a covert contract to try to get her in the mood, so you can then reap the benefits. Do it because it’s what you do, not because you want something from her.

Oh, one more thing. If you want her, then say so. If you want something, then say so. If she says no, then take no for an answer, and don’t treat her any differently. Don’t sulk, or passive aggressively cut off attention or affection because she said no.

And if you’re at the point where your marriage isn’t working, then don’t be passive aggressive or deliver ultimatums. Be forthright. Clear decision making. “Wife, I’m not happy with our sex life and this marriage is no longer working for me. The only options I see are for you to help me work on it, which means X and Y happens by Z date, or I need to seek sexual fulfillment elsewhere, or we divorce. I’d very much rather the former because I love you, but I’m not going to live celibately just because you want to.”


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## DieCastRN (Oct 18, 2019)

R Lane said:


> Hey everybody, so this post may be a little long winded, but please bare with me, because I feel like I need to explain this thoroughly and I need advise.
> 
> Me and my wife have been together for about 10.5 years all together, and December will make 8 that we've been married. My wife does love and care about me, but it just seems to be the physical intimacy that is not there for her. For the duration of our relationship pre marriage, the sex, passion, and other things were fine. My Wife would come on to me and she showed passion. However it seems like the instant after we got married it changed.
> 
> ...


Honestly, man, just leave. Things will NOT change because your wife does NOT want to change. She's got a good life with you as a provider. Even if she works, her life is more comfortable than it would be if she was single. 

My ex was pretty similar to your wife. She was a virgin when we married but she made all sorts of promises about the crazy amount of sex we would be having. Guess what happened? That crazy amount of sex never panned out. My ex just did not understand that for men sex isn't just physical. I suspect your wife doesn't understand this either. No matter how much you talk about it, they won't understand because they're not wired that way.

I divorced my wife about a year ago and I made it clear that we were divorcing was because of the lack of intimacy. I don't care that she lied about why we were getting divorced or that she painted me as the bad guy. The people who matter to me the most know why we divorced and the overwhelming responses were "we wanted to tell you not to marry her but didn't know how to or if you would listen."

I know it's hard and that it's scary. But you need to think about this. Can you live the rest of your life this way? Because I guarantee you it will NEVER change. If you can, then just live with it. If you can't, then you need to figure out what you're going to do.


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## TreyMD (Oct 24, 2019)

This was me a few years back. I hate to say it, but for us, it got much worse. We have had affairs because we lost our connection. You can see my post from last week. It has been a really difficult time. Right now we are just starting to rebuild from what could have been the end (might still be). Communicate. Talk. Work at your marriage (feed it, water it). Marriage is not something secure that will always be there for you if you don't work at it. You need to have tough discussions. You need to know what your needs are and what your wife's are. *Love languages* are great to get to know one another, but you need to respond to them. I am a "physical," my wife is "acts of service." She is a "Lioness" who likes to be in control and is not interested in sex, and I am a "golden retriever," who is happy to just be with her, but is a little humpy (LOL). Don't change who you are, but definitely have your own identity. Anyway... this is my experience. I/we made plenty of mistakes. I hope you learn from them.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

If you want your wife to has genuine desire for you, you must become what you were when you were dating.
You must become what she WANTS.
You can fix this....all the touchy feely books in the world won't help you...

The problem is you've lost hold of what it is that drew her to you in the first place.
https://therationalmale.com/2011/08/19/the-cardinal-rule-of-relationships/


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

TreyMD said:


> She is a "Lioness" who likes to be in control and is not interested in sex


Sorry for the thread jack, but this is horrible. Who would want to be married to your wife?


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

You folks are giving advice to an Elvis who has left the building. The OP hasn’t been on this site since Oct. 5.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Maybe he is knee deep in vagina from all the good advice and never came back.

Somehow I doubt it.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Mr.Married said:


> Maybe he is knee deep in vagina from all the good advice and never came back.
> 
> Somehow I doubt it.


Yeah....I hate to say it but all of these threads are really the same. Folks speculate about past lovers, maybe she doesn't orgasm etc. etc., perhaps the OP needs to connect with her more emotionally bla, bla bla. But the reality is often much simpler IMO. If you are in a sexless marriage and you are the person that wants intimacy and your spouse doesn't, and its gone on for years....chances are it will NEVER improve. Also they will keep changing the reason for why they never put out. The bottom line is they either don't really like sex all that much, or they don't like it with you. The only way remedy is for you to make a decision. Can you accept it? If you can't, you need to file for divorce.


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