# Wife uncomfortable with her body, wanting to help



## T1Dad (9 d ago)

Hello everyone. This will be my first post here. This seems like a helpful, welcoming group and I am looking for some intimacy advice in our marriage. Hope you all don’t mind a lengthy post!

So for some background, my wife and I have been together for 16 years, married for 11. We are both 36 and we have a 9 year old son. Our marriage has had its bumps along the way, and honestly was in a pretty rough state for the past couple of years, but right now we are, in my opinion, in the best place we have been at in a VERY long time. We have had issues with communication, feelings of resentment from a lack of attention/feelings of neglect from both sides and a lot of stress. Things within the past few months have changed drastically. I have personally been speaking to a therapist to better help with my inability to properly communicate and various other issues, and now we feel closer than ever. We talk a lot, share feelings in ways we haven’t before…overall just much more comfortable with one another. However one major issue that has existed for, honestly, close to the entire 16 years we have been together is intimacy. Our sex life could be called…very minimal, especially considering we are only in our thirties. The average for us overall has been a few times a year…maybe around once every 3 or 4 months. With the exception of when we were trying to conceive. We had some issues with needing various medications to assist with that, so for about a year and a half sex was pretty constant. Then after our son was born it went right back to every few months or longer. Then the pandemic hit, and us being stuck in the house together for nearly 2 years took it’s toll and our intimacy went fully non-existent… going almost 3 entire years with zero sex. Now through all of this I consider myself to have a very healthy libido, so the lack of sex really hits me hard. That being said, never one single time have I ever even had the THOUGHT of infidelity. Basically I have just accepted the way things are and dealt with it. I love my wife immensely, consider her to be my soul mate, and am happy being with her.

Now to get into my main point here and reason I am looking for advice… As I said, things in our marriage have really improved lately and we had a wonderful date night away from our son back in October and it was the first time we had sex in almost 3 years. It was amazing, but also really showed me some other issues. Our intimacy, when it occurs, is great…with a major exception. My wife is EXTREMELY uncomfortable with her body, which causes issues with sex. She hates her body, considers herself fat, and doesn’t want even me to be able to really see it. Everything has to be DARK for this to happen…and I mean completely. Even to the extent that when the tv had a small red light on the bottom…that tiny amount of light in the room caused her to make me either unplug it or cover it with a blanket. She has always been this way, but years ago it wasn’t quite as bad. I remember times where we had candles lit and she was okay with that. Now…nope. No light whatsoever. Which makes things very awkward for me. I happen to absolutely love my wife’s figure, and I find her extremely attractive. She isn’t at all a heavy person. She’s what you could maybe call “thick” or A little chubby? Absolutely stunningly beautiful face, VERY “gifted” on the chest, amazing hips and butt. She just has a belly…which I do too and am completely fine with. (I rock a “dad bod” and not the least bit ashamed, haha). She however is so uncomfortable with how she looks. She tells me that she demands the room be pitch black because if she sees her own body during sex, she will fixate on that alone and not be able to enjoy anything at all. It would be an instant libido killer for her. I have tried so many times to convince her that I find her beautiful, and wish that she could see herself the way I do. I compliment her everyday, I tell her she is sexy, and when we do have sex I talk about how badly I want her, and want to see her. But she refuses.

I would love to hear from anyone else who has had these same issues and know if there is anything more I could be doing to help her?? My ultimate goal is for her to feel comfortable enough with me to not think this way. We have been together for so long, and still to this day she acts embarrassed for me to ever see her undressed. Heck, when she is changing she goes into the bathroom and locks the door…never allowing me to see anything. I just feel bad…I am so in love with her AND her body, and wish that she could see that… Not to mention it would really help with our intimacy, as it would be an immense turn on for me to actually be able to see during sex… I would also really love for our intimacy to grow, and our sex life to get healthier. I’ve discussed this with her as well, and she tells me her libido isn’t an issue. But it’s just that she is constantly stressed and exhausted. She is a teacher and has a very demanding job, not to mention our son is a Type 1 Diabetic, who requires much more care and attention. We don’t ever get much time away from our kiddo. I will say that lately I have really learned a lot though…after 16 years I still haven’t really gotten a hang of what turns my wife on. So as a side question… this last time we had sex I noticed she does not respond well to me being “sweet”, to the point that she rolled over with disinterest with like soft kissing and such, until I started getting more “assertive” and aggressive, then suddenly she opened up and got WAY more into it. I personally am a very passive guy, and that kind of translates into the bedroom too. I’ve never been dominant in any way, but now it sure seems like that’s what she is really wanting. So I guess I need help there too. Haha.

Really appreciate you taking the time to read all of this.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Take her out shopping, to the mall, to Walmart, to the grocery store.

Point out that most of American woman are plump and seem to have few or no issues with it.

Ask her, if she thinks, (this or that) woman is refusing to have sex with their SO because her belly is plump?

Women, in general, need to enjoy eating or not to eat much. A lousy choice for most.

Trying to remain in that 120 to 135 lb range is very difficult for the average lady over 25.
Yes, it can be done, but it is not a pleasant activity.

It is done by eating little. or from having lean genetics or excess exercise, or all three!

Few men are able to keep their fat ratio below 10% and most have ~30+ more pounds to work with.

She needs counseling and maybe hypnosis to get over this phobia of hers.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

T1Dad said:


> Hello everyone. This will be my first post here. This seems like a helpful, welcoming group and I am looking for some intimacy advice in our marriage. Hope you all don’t mind a lengthy post!
> 
> So for some background, my wife and I have been together for 16 years, married for 11. We are both 36 and we have a 9 year old son. Our marriage has had its bumps along the way, and honestly was in a pretty rough state for the past couple of years, but right now we are, in my opinion, in the best place we have been at in a VERY long time. We have had issues with communication, feelings of resentment from a lack of attention/feelings of neglect from both sides and a lot of stress. Things within the past few months have changed drastically. I have personally been speaking to a therapist to better help with my inability to properly communicate and various other issues, and now we feel closer than ever. We talk a lot, share feelings in ways we haven’t before…overall just much more comfortable with one another. However one major issue that has existed for, honestly, close to the entire 16 years we have been together is intimacy. Our sex life could be called…very minimal, especially considering we are only in our thirties. The average for us overall has been a few times a year…maybe around once every 3 or 4 months. With the exception of when we were trying to conceive. We had some issues with needing various medications to assist with that, so for about a year and a half sex was pretty constant. Then after our son was born it went right back to every few months or longer. Then the pandemic hit, and us being stuck in the house together for nearly 2 years took it’s toll and our intimacy went fully non-existent… going almost 3 entire years with zero sex. Now through all of this I consider myself to have a very healthy libido, so the lack of sex really hits me hard. That being said, never one single time have I ever even had the THOUGHT of infidelity. Basically I have just accepted the way things are and dealt with it. I love my wife immensely, consider her to be my soul mate, and am happy being with her.
> 
> ...


Welcome to TAM!

I think you might be onto it when you mentioned assertiveness and aggression.

Don't _overdo_ the verbal reinforcement. If you go too far you look needy and she won't trust your motives.

Instead, augment the verbal reinforcement by _demonstrating_ your attractiveness and excitement. Next time you're out to dinner be bold with her (I'm not suggesting illegal things, only suggestive things). Stop talking and start acting, and do it with confidence and assertiveness unless she freaks out of course.

After you take charge enough I would bet you could light a candle and she wouldn't panic.

Source...
My wife has various related issues (not to this extent). If I ask for this or that...hard no. If I do things without asking...she loves it.

Good luck OP.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

She's an adult woman. This is an issue for her to solve, not you. If she wanted to solve her inability to have sex except in complete darkness, and her body image issues, she would 

Your marriage is pretty near sexless, and you recently went 3 years with zero sex. 

Your marriage is a roommate situation, it's not a sexual relationship. It sounds like it's always been this way, except for when she wanted to conceive. She could have plenty of sex then. 

You aren't going to make any kind of significant change in her. If she wanted to work on her lack of sexuality she would, but she hasn't wanted to, and hasn't felt like she wanted to, to provide YOU with a better sexual relationship.


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## T1Dad (9 d ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Welcome to TAM!
> 
> I think you might be onto it when you mentioned assertiveness and aggression.
> 
> ...


You make some valid points here. Since really opening up with better communication I have found out that my wife is definitely wants me to be more assertive. We had a small discussion on this a little while back. The way she explained it is that since she is a teacher she deals all day long with kids and others wanting her to do all of these things, or plan things. Someone always needing something. So when she gets home, and is with me privately, she doesn’t want to be asked what she wants. She wants to just be told, this is how it is. Or wanting me to make decisions. Weather something as small as what’s for dinner, all the way to the bedroom. She wants to be told. I kind of pushed back because I was worried about coming across as a jerk or being mean, and she sort of said something to the extent of “there’s a difference”. And when I asked her about how she didn’t like me being sweet with sex, she told me there’s a time and place for being sweet, and for her, that isn’t it. So it sounds like she doesn’t want me to be “nice” in the bedroom? Sorry for sounding so ignorant, but even after all of these years I still feel unsure. When we started dating, I was a virgin and she wasn’t. So she is the only woman I have ever slept with, but I’m not her first guy.

And about her body issue… I will admit I probably overdo the compliments and such. I am kind of a “touchy” person, and it does annoy her to an extent. I hug her for a while, I touch her, I like being close…and she seems to act sort of “touched-out”. Probably also due to her job. She likes me complimenting her, but I do think she finds I do it too much. I need to find some happy medium? But as much as she wants me to be assertive, I almost guarantee that if I were to just say “I want the lights on ” during sex, she would 100% shut that down.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

T1Dad said:


> You make some valid points here. Since really opening up with better communication I have found out that my wife is definitely wants me to be more assertive. We had a small discussion on this a little while back. The way she explained it is that since she is a teacher she deals all day long with kids and others wanting her to do all of these things, or plan things. Someone always needing something. So when she gets home, and is with me privately, she doesn’t want to be asked what she wants. She wants to just be told, this is how it is. Or wanting me to make decisions. Weather something as small as what’s for dinner, all the way to the bedroom. She wants to be told. I kind of pushed back because I was worried about coming across as a jerk or being mean, and she sort of said something to the extent of “there’s a difference”. And when I asked her about how she didn’t like me being sweet with sex, she told me there’s a time and place for being sweet, and for her, that isn’t it. So it sounds like she doesn’t want me to be “nice” in the bedroom? Sorry for sounding so ignorant, but even after all of these years I still feel unsure. When we started dating, I was a virgin and she wasn’t. So she is the only woman I have ever slept with, but I’m not her first guy.
> 
> And about her body issue… I will admit I probably overdo the compliments and such. I am kind of a “touchy” person, and it does annoy her to an extent. I hug her for a while, I touch her, I like being close…and she seems to act sort of “touched-out”. Probably also due to her job. She likes me complimenting her, but I do think she finds I do it too much. I need to find some happy medium? But as much as she wants me to be assertive, I almost guarantee that if I were to just say “I want the lights on ” during sex, she would 100% shut that down.


Honestly, you sound like me a few years ago. Before I realized the truth about myself and about my wife.

Here's a hint...stop being yourself.

Your wife needs strength and direction (unapologetically) and doesn't want to have another child to attend to.

Never be mean, that's not the point. Never force her to do something, again, that's not the point.

Let her know, boldly and without playing word games, what you want for yourself, what you want for the marriage, and what you want for her. All while respecting and protecting her with your life.

You're a prime candidate to read Married Man Sex Life Primer. It's on the various app stores. _Well_ worth the read as far as understanding exactly this topic.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Hard to say what is going on...

On one hand, she could be one of those women, that no matter what the conditions, no one outside of her will ever see her naked body...Ive known women like this, they even wont go to the dr because of it....I have also known others that will walk into the kitchen buck naked, pour herself a cup of coffee and sit down and drink it...lol..Its just a difference in confidence and personality..

But you are getting literally nothing...I would imagine if you weren't prodding/initiating, then she never would and you would go sexless forever..Just doesn't seem like sex is her thing, despite what she says about her libido...She could also be lying to you and isn't all that attracted, and is using all these obstacles to keep you from trying to be sexual....I dunno, there...

These situations rarely get any better, my guess is if you actually want a satisfying and fulfilling sex life you will have to trade her, because she doesn't sound like she wants to play on the team...I am with @Livvie.....It matters not what you think or any reassurances you can give her, she may even have some sort of body dysmorphia going on,where she thinks she looks like Patrick from Sponge Bob when she looks in the mirror and is horrified at the thought that someone would actually see her...

Tough spot, brother...


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

You mention that you have seen a therapist, and your communication skills have greatly improved, so things are awesome in that department now, but imagine if you only communicated with your wife ...every three years? She probably wouldn't tolerate such a lack of communication. You realized you needed to step up to change things, and you did.

Perhaps, it's time now for your wife to see a therapist and get to the truth of why she's avoiding sex with you. And why she feels ashamed of her body.

Marriage is a compromise at times, and very much a two-way street. It sounds like you both enjoy each other as friends/roommates/financial partners, but intimacy is essential in a _marriage_.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Body image is why she won’t have sex? Total nonsense. She doesn’t have sex with you because she doesn’t want to. 

you talk about all this love you have for her. You love her body, sex is amazing, this and that.
What you need to consider is that she doesn’t feel the same way. If she loved your body, if she found you attractive, and if she had any sex drive whatsoever, she’d have sex with you.

there are lots of super obese women that are starving for sex. Yours is neither obese or starving for sex. You have a sexual dud.

it’s never going to change. I’m very sorry. 
You should research other threads on this topic. I’ve yet to see a success story.

So pretty much, you’re going to live like a monk because you love your wife, who should know how much this bothers you and DOES NOT CARE. So exactly how much do you feel she loves YOU?

if she needs it dark, get it black dark. That’s not going to help you though. Because body image isn’t her real problem. It likely runs far deeper (past abuse by someone) or shallower—she’s just not into sex with anyone.

you’re going to get the treatment you’re willing to accept in life. Right now you’ve accepted celibacy and are willing to continue that because you feel you’re being a good man in doing so. That won’t change your situation.

you might consider having her see a doctor and getting on some hormones. Most from what I’ve read about, won’t stay on them. They’re just fine and dandy not wanting sex. It’s who they are.

lots abs lots of people blaming Covid on no sex. I think that’s just an excuse. If it weren’t covud it‘d be something else.

my advice is ask her if you can have an open marriage, or leave the marriage. I realize both are not options for you. But the truth is thise are the only two you’ll ever have. I’m very sorry.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

You've got a couple different issues going on here. 

I don't know if a woman (or man) exists that doesn't have some body "issues". If it is this extreme, as in even a red power led on the TV is too much light, she may need some therapy. 

My wife is the most beautiful woman on the planet as far as I'm concerned, but she most definitely dislikes certain aspect of her body and is somewhat self conscious. Over the course of many, many years (married almost 33 years) I regularly reinforced how beautiful she is with genuine compliments. They range from subtle comments about how nice she looks in her outfit to outright telling her she is my sexy Goddess. She thinks I'm a goofy idiot with rose colored glasses, but she loves me for it, and it brought down her walls of self consciousness around me. You should certainly start with something like that. 

To this day my wife would prefer being in total or near total darkness when we have sex. I don't like it because I want to see her. I want to see every part of her and every expression on her face. I tell her all of this, it goes hand in hand with regularly complimenting her. I can't remember the last time we had sex in the dark. Actually, thinking about it, the last time was a while back when she woke me up at about 3am because she was horny and couldn't sleep. I won't argue about that, but we have lights on because I took charge of the situation. We don't have spot lights on us or anything, but we always have some kind of light, even if very dim. The big difference is my wife wants to have sex with me. That gives me some control over the situation that you don't have. So first thing you need to address is the overall lack of sex. 

Its funny how she was good with frequent sex when it served her purpose of getting pregnant. Now when it is just to be sexual with you and emotionally bond with you it has been moved clear to the bottom of the priority list. This is engrained in her and it is all but a permanent part of your relationship. I think she needs IC to address her over the top body image issue. I also think you guys will need a sex therapist to get your sex life back on track. Or maybe try for another kid, lol. Sorry, bad joke. Frankly I give you a 1% chance of turning your sex life around. That may move to 10% if you are willing to walk away if it can't be resolved. How motivated are you to fix this?


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## T1Dad (9 d ago)

Okay, let me provide a little more background and see if that helps with understanding some things.
First of all, our environment we live in at the moment doesn’t make it easy to have sex. First, we made the poor decision a while back with our son to allow co-sleeping. We are unfortunately still paying for that mistake now, as our son absolutely refuses to go to sleep without at least one of us. And since it is excessively uncomfortable for either of us to try to get any sleep with all 3 in the bed, we have taken to sleeping separately because of this. And ever since his diagnosis of diabetes years ago, my wife mostly is the one who handles sleeping near our son. It’s also because she is always on alert with his blood sugar numbers. Even though we have everything we possibly can to monitor this, she gets very uneasy if she is away from him…in her mind god forbid his sugar drops and she wasn’t right there to correct it. That did apply more when he was younger and we are in the process of really working on trying to curb this issue now. Yes I fully acknowledge it is a monster we created, but we are trying to fix that. In addition, another side effect of his diabetes is that as parents we have found it hard at his age to trust many people to be able to watch him overnight while we take some time away. Our only close option is my in-laws, who are willing to help, but they are also very busy with their own things, and normally that option can only present itself every few months or so. So…I’m basically meaning to make the point that this isn’t an issue of I’m asking her all the time and getting shut down…it’s more that we just haven’t had the opportunities that a lot of couples normally do. Yes, part of that is our own fault.

My wife does also suffer from a lot of issues with exhaustion, and a few health hiccups. She’s struggled with Endometriosis most of her life, and she still deals with flare ups each year. That was the main thing making conceiving a difficult task for us. Her job is also mentally demanding, and gets overwhelmed very easily. She acknowledges this to me. I have mentioned therapy as an option for her too, and she isn’t quite as open to it as I have been. She knows she has some issues but she also comes from one of those “deal with it yourself and never ask for help” kind of families, so I think that has played a role. She does join me for a few of my sessions though, and that has also been helping us. Progress has definitely been made, it’s just very slow.

when we had our date night in October, we had an amazing time. We felt great with each other, and I could tell she was really enjoying it all. I also got us a nice little Airbnb as a way to kind of “remove ourselves” from the stresses at home for a night. That certainly helped. I really am willing to stick this out and work through it all, and I am trying to remain positive and optimistic that things can improve. I just didn’t know if there was anything that I could do, behavior wise or in certain actions/things I can say, that would maybe continue to help put her mind more at ease. When we have been intimate, it isn’t a boring affair. While yes I have failed to be the dominant man she seems to have craved before, it’s never been that very robotic “because we have to” thing. I am just really wanting to help her feel more relaxed and comfortable, and not so worried about her body.

We’re already planning for another night away this month and I guess I have just been trying to figure out anything I could try to do next time.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

T1Dad said:


> .... my wife and I have been together for 16 years, married for 11. We are both 36 and we have a 9 year old son.
> 
> .....Things within the past few months have changed drastically. *I have personally been speaking to a therapis*t to better help with my inability to properly communicate and various other issues, and now we feel closer than ever. We talk a lot, share feelings in ways we haven’t before…overall just much more comfortable with one another.
> 
> ...


Been there done that. I was in a sex starved marriage and with a lot of dedication on my part, the part of my wife, and a great Marriage Counselor, who was a board certified sex therapist, we reconciled and not strive for sex twice a week. 

I would like to suggest you read a few things/topics for the various issues. They have all helped me.

You should read M.W. Davis book, The Sex Starved Marriage; Glover's book, No More Mr. Nice Guy (you sound like a Nice Guy and that is not a complement); Chapman's book, The Five Languages of Love; the Gottmans' book the Art and Science of Love; and Sue Johnson's book, Hold Me Tight. If you read the books, study them, and think about how they apply to you, they will change you.

As others have said, you can't change your wife, only she can change herself and then only if she wants to. However, if she does change, you can offer her positive feedback that encourages her. You can more importantly change yourself and most importantly change the way you will allow yourself to be treated by her.

If your wife wants to change her body self image there are two really powerful things she can do. The first involves he doing affirmations or self-hypnosis. This technique can be used to loose weight, exercise more, stop smoking, and a host of other things, such as improving one's self-image. You can look up the details, but visualization is extremely powerful. The second is for her to go to a woman Boudoir photography studio. They have "costumes," hair stylists, make-up technicians, and a professional photographer who knows about posing and light and shadow. If she will agree to this, it will dramatically change her attitude about her body. I wouldn't try it until she has at least partially changed her attitude with affirmations.

Now to the lack of sex. You have to understand that everyone has a different level of sexual needs and desire. Having said that, we all have a need for touch. Sue Johnson's book will explain that to you. In theory dating was suppose to reveal to you if the two of you had compatible levels of sexual attraction and need. Dealing with mismatched libido's is very hard and requires great effort on the part of each partner in a relationship. Unless there is a clinical reason (medical or emotional) for your wife's low libido that is treatable, it is going to be something that the two of you will always have to deal with. In my marriage, we were helped by a marriage counselor and board certified Sex Therapist to negotiate a compromise on the amount of sex we would have to maintain a loving sexual relationship. That ST also helped us experience sensual touch, sexual touch and reintroduce us to sex through sensate focus exercises. She also provided us with reading matter and instructional videos on sex and its importance to a marriage. The ST further had us visualized what we wanted our loving and sexual marriage to look like in 5 years, 10 years, 15 years. We came very close to divorce, but it worked and I am so glad our marriage was saved.

You might be surprised to learn that being needy and whining about sex is absolutely not sexy to your wife and can drive her way from sex with you. You may further be surprised that there may be sensual touch things that can satisfy some of your sexual needs. You many also learn that one of you can pleasure the other for nothing more than the joy of making your partner sexually satisfied. If you had different libido's and you compromise on something that both can live with; one of you will always have to be more sexually active than they would prefer and find joy in it, while the other accepts that they will always have less sex than they want, but enough to be very happy and emotionally bonded.

Another thing that the ST did was have us take a Yes/No/Maybe quiz. This is a list of sexual things that you want, you might under the right circumstances try, or that you absolutely do not want to do no matter what. Kind of like absolutely, I don't know, and I will absolutely not do that. The trick is to fill the list out in private separate from your spouse. Then get together on a day that you will not have sex and have privacy to non-judgementally share and empathetically discuss each item on the list. That can be extremely had to do in practice. 

When I did that with my wife a huge number of her list were NO. When we discussed them her response was it was disgusting. I had to ask why it was disgusting and ask (and suggest) things that could be done to make it less disgusting. She had a hard time with it. For example one of the items was prostate massage and I said that Yes that was something I was interested in. She harshly asked if I was gay. I said absolutely not, but that men can have multiple orgasms through prostate massage and it does not have to be done through the anus, the prostate can be massaged with a vibrator from the outside of the body near the perineum. I then reminded her we were suppose to be non-judgemental. If the two of you can communicate and especially listen to each other's reasons for yes, no, or maybe you will have a far better understanding of each other's sexual desires, needs and kinks.

So before you go all dominant and treat your wife like your submissive, I would suggest that the two of you do a Y/N/M list and is it terms out she wants to be submissive in certain settings to her husband being a dominant that the two of you explore roll playing, safe words, creating scenes, etc. 

Been there and done that. The best money I ever spent was on a really good sex therapist who helped save our marriage. it was a lot less expensive than two expensive divorce attorneys. Our marriage counselor and sex therapist got my wife to admit that she thought we would eventually divorce if we never had sex again. The ST then helped my wife understand that her attitude about sex would determine if we got divorced or not. It was her choice to have sex and not divorce, or to change her attitudes about sex and have a good, loving, sexual marriage.

Good luck to you and your wife.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

T1Dad said:


> Okay, let me provide a little more background and see if that helps with understanding some things.
> 
> co-sleeping.
> sleeping separately
> ...


As to things to try, I would suggest two:

Sensate Focus Exercises

Alternately, the two of you could spend some free time in reading up on sexual roll playing and then work on a mutually agreed upon script for the night of your adventure. Don't forget some safe-words and boundaries.

My suggestions would be to use your time together to explore each other and reintroduce sex into your lives.

Good luck.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

A lot of women and some men want the room dark, as far back as I can remember. Lots of people are modest and have body issues. It doesn't help that all they see in the media are people with unrealistic bodies. And these days, a lot of women are aware their man is looking at porn and know that is what they want. But it's not really about you. It's about them and this is who they are. Why would you be pushing to have sex in the light when you already know this ruins it for her? Can't you just enjoy the touch and feel of her? Lots of people feel uncomfortable being watched during sex. It's not unusual at all.

So she's been avoiding sex because you don't respect her boundaries about it. Maybe if you just stopped trying to watch her and left lights out and kept having sex, she might relax and actually enjoy it.

I'm not saying it's your fault, but you can't control this and may just be making it worse.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You can’t fix this — only she can do that and body issues are not easy to overcome. Maybe she would like to discuss it with a therapist but she may not. It’s up to her.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

T1Dad said:


> Okay, let me provide a little more background and see if that helps with understanding some things.
> First of all, our environment we live in at the moment doesn’t make it easy to have sex. First, we made the poor decision a while back with our son to allow co-sleeping. We are unfortunately still paying for that mistake now, as our son absolutely refuses to go to sleep without at least one of us. And since it is excessively uncomfortable for either of us to try to get any sleep with all 3 in the bed, we have taken to sleeping separately because of this. And ever since his diagnosis of diabetes years ago, my wife mostly is the one who handles sleeping near our son. It’s also because she is always on alert with his blood sugar numbers. Even though we have everything we possibly can to monitor this, she gets very uneasy if she is away from him…in her mind god forbid his sugar drops and she wasn’t right there to correct it. That did apply more when he was younger and we are in the process of really working on trying to curb this issue now. Yes I fully acknowledge it is a monster we created, but we are trying to fix that. In addition, another side effect of his diabetes is that as parents we have found it hard at his age to trust many people to be able to watch him overnight while we take some time away. Our only close option is my in-laws, who are willing to help, but they are also very busy with their own things, and normally that option can only present itself every few months or so. So…I’m basically meaning to make the point that this isn’t an issue of I’m asking her all the time and getting shut down…it’s more that we just haven’t had the opportunities that a lot of couples normally do. Yes, part of that is our own fault.


Few things....

I would try not to get too "clinical" about this...The books, the therapists, the study, the talking, etc....IMO, it kinda kills the whole intent,...Sex should be relaxed, spontaneous, primal, etc...Once you get to the point where it becomes "scheduled" and a lot of work, then quite frankly, in this man's opinion anyway, its lost all its lustre...No disrespect to anyone that has achieved what they wanted out of it this way, I just don't see how that has much cache...I wouldn't participate in that...02

Yes, I can see how the kid sleeping in the bed is a big c*ck block, but you do realize there are people that have such desire that NOTHING will prevent it?...They will fit it in, they will figure it out....think about when we were kids, we had to do all kinds of crap to get laid, but we managed to do it...lol...Point is, if it was something that was mutually desired, the kid wouldn't be an obstacle...He's gotta sleep sometime, go over a friends house, etc..

Here is another approach.....

You say you are out of shape, etc....Maybe look at it another way...Take stock of yourself, and make some changes..Dress better, smell better, get into better shape, etc....You may find she starts to look at you a whole different way.. Especially if other women start noticing you....I do realize there is a possibility that she may not give a shyt what you do, or go further into the tank seeing that you are passing her by, but I dunno, I guess I wouldn't just wait for her to do something she will probably NEVER do(what you want) on her own...I won't just hang around expecting something to change...Id take some kind of action...

If nothing becomes of it, and everything remains status quo, at least you made some positive changes in _your own_ life and will most certainly feel better for that...Additionally, and I know you say she is the "be all and end all", you may very well reach a breaking point with this, especially once the kid is older, and may very well go your separate ways,...She is entitled to not be forced to be sexual and that's her right, but you are entitled to a loving and sexual relationship... If she doesn't want it, that's fine, but you don't have to live the rest of your life in this state of deprivation....And if you are a "better" version of yourself, it will be that much easier to make that transition...

If its not "in you", I understand, but it may be worth it to look at it from a different angle...I learned a long time ago that you can't expect people to do what you think they will, more than often they will let you down....spouse or not...By taking some control over what you can control, at least you aren't banging your head against the wall with no change in anything....


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

T1Dad said:


> You make some valid points here. Since really opening up with better communication I have found out that my wife is definitely wants me to be more assertive. We had a small discussion on this a little while back. The way she explained it is that since she is a teacher she deals all day long with kids and others wanting her to do all of these things, or plan things. Someone always needing something. So when she gets home, and is with me privately, she doesn’t want to be asked what she wants. She wants to just be told, this is how it is. Or wanting me to make decisions. Weather something as small as what’s for dinner, all the way to the bedroom. She wants to be told. I kind of pushed back because I was worried about coming across as a jerk or being mean, and she sort of said something to the extent of “there’s a difference”. And when I asked her about how she didn’t like me being sweet with sex, she told me there’s a time and place for being sweet, and for her, that isn’t it. So it sounds like she doesn’t want me to be “nice” in the bedroom? Sorry for sounding so ignorant, but even after all of these years I still feel unsure. When we started dating, I was a virgin and she wasn’t. So she is the only woman I have ever slept with, but I’m not her first guy.
> 
> And about her body issue… I will admit I probably overdo the compliments and such. I am kind of a “touchy” person, and it does annoy her to an extent. I hug her for a while, I touch her, I like being close…and she seems to act sort of “touched-out”. Probably also due to her job. She likes me complimenting her, but I do think she finds I do it too much. I need to find some happy medium? But as much as she wants me to be assertive, I almost guarantee that if I were to just say “I want the lights on ” during sex, she would 100% shut that down.


You need to read No more Mr Nice Guy and Hold On to You Nuts. You are acting like a wimp to her and she wants a guy that knows what he wants. Wimps do not make a girl's panties wet....


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> You need to read No more Mr Nice Guy and Hold On to You Nuts. You are acting like a wimp to her and she wants a guy that knows what he wants. Wimps do not make a girl's panties wet....


When it comes to sex, you typically want a volunteer,...._ not a hostage..._ 😆


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

hamadryad said:


> When it comes to sex, you typically want a volunteer,...._ not a hostage..._ 😆


They are a volunteer, but a large portion of women want to feel taken by their man, not a little boy asking mommy may I?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Show her videos of herself that you found her sexy in, tell her, show her, touch her, feel her, whisper sweet nothings, take about your feelings.

I even told my ex of dreams I had of her, one where she was fat and obese and didn't feel good enough for me and ran away from me but I was sliding through dimensions looking for her to tell her how beautiful she was to me and that I would never leave her. Sadly, that kind of love wasn't enough for her so whatever.

Either way ever tried something big and romantic?

Also pick one:










Can always try serenading, maybe not even the full song. Just have it playing, and sing lines to her as you hold her and look deep into her eyes so when she looks into yours she can see them to be the truth.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I think what @BigDaddyNY hinted at is right. My wife doesn’t have body issues that she expresses out loud but sometimes she’ll turn the lights off or whatever. If I want her to be a certain way because I like it I just tell her. If I want the light on I turn it on. She’ll go, “What are you doing with that light?” The answer is, “I want to see you!” If she says to turn it off, the answer is no. Basically I think at least for my wife I gotta get her super riled up and then she’s open to a lot of things. (Note: Amazon dot com sells many things that can help).


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## themerovingian (8 d ago)

Co-sleeping is easy to fix. Step 1. Put the child in their bed. Step 2. Let them cry/scream it out. Step 3. They'll eventually fall asleep.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

themerovingian said:


> Co-sleeping is easy to fix. Step 1. Put the child in their bed. Step 2. Let them cry/scream it out. Step 3. They'll eventually fall asleep.


OP, this is legitimately the only solution. You've created this situation by allowing your child to get used to co-sleeping, and now that only solution is to do what themerovingian said above. Good luck getting your wife to agree to that, but if you don't then you are sunk.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Even if he gets the kid out of the bed (which I agree with), that doesn't mean the wifey is ok with doing it with lights on. He needs to accept that. Maybe he makes a deal. I'll stop haranguing you about letting me stare at you with the lights on if you don't fight me about getting this overgrown kid out of our bed.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She’s not going to be ok doing it period. The kid in the bed is there for a reason.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> She’s not going to be ok doing it period. The kid in the bed is there for a reason.


Yep. 

If it wasn't the kid, it would be two Rottweilers and a Labrador retriever. 😆


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You could have a neonatal pediatrician that has a phd in endocrinology babysitting the child in the next room, with your walls sound proofed and pitch black inside, with a winning lottery ticket in your hand for 100 million so she never has to work again—- she’d say she just can’t tonight, hun….. she’s just feeling overwhelmed and pressured.

OP, you need to wrap your head around the fact that this relationship is sexless and there’s a better chance you’ll see what’s in Joe jr’s laptop than getting regular sex from your wife.

I’m sorry. Really. I know this is hurtful. The depth of your love for her doesn’t make her coochie tingle.


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## Dormatte (4 mo ago)

The only solution is to divorce, or remain miserable.





You have to accept her for who she is.

This is who she is. She's just not into sex...or just not interested in it with you.



I think that she's just not into sex overall.

The rare times that she does, is because she feels forced, obligated and pressured by you.



She does it to get you off of her case... temporarily.





People change, and life changes people... permanently.



Sounds like she wasn't ever into it the entire relationship or close to it. 



You should have parted ways as soon as you found out.. probably during the dating phase.



You two just aren't compatible.



For whatever reasons, it is her right and she is entitled to not be sexually intimate if she doesn't want to..



It is your right as well. 



It is also your right to not live in partial or full celibacy for the remainder of your life.





There's nothing you can do about her choices, but respect them and stop hounding her to do things that she doesn't want to do.



Also stop doing things that clearly make her uncomfortable...





People always find ways to do whatever they truly want to do, or die trying.



The "monster" that the both of you created would have professionals helping, after school programs or activities catering, for, and centered around diabetic children, he would be enrolled in diabetic health awareness programs for children that would help them learn, understand, manage, and monitor it himself (he's 9. He needs the education. If not now, when?)


Hired babysitter's or child care centers solely focused on diabetic children, or just quickies in the bathroom, various rooms in house while child is asleep...etc...

Bottom line is if she wanted to and was fully into it, both of you would have a very active or satisfactory sex life.

Two incompatible people who probably shouldn't have remained in a relationship long.


She's just not into it..
She may never be.


You are very much so.

This was doomed from the beginning or close to it.

Two sexually incompatible people will never truly be in a healthy relationship.

Cut your losses, and free yourself of this self inflicted vow of celibacy.

Don't cheat. No open marriage.

Just divorce. Strickly co parent.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> She’s not going to be ok doing it period. The kid in the bed is there for a reason.


The kids isn't in their bed, though. It's worse than that. They sleep separately and wife sleeps with the kid.

Unless she is standing watch every night and never sleeping (physically impossible), pricking his finger every half hour to check his blood sugar levels, sleeping with child is useless. Just being next to him isn't gonna let her know what his blood sugar is doing. Get a continuous glucose monitor with an alarm, teach him to sleep by himself, you are creating a child with sleep and issues around his T1D doing this.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

This is engrained in her. Social media,TV, magazines, the gym, everywhere she’s fed a constant diet if she’s not good enough. What most women don’t get is that guys are into their wives. 

There is a lot of projection in terms of “why are you checking them out.” Women are sizing each other up constantly, they just project it on us. Two days ago, my wife was explaining to me a conversation she had with our daughter how her friends gave her grief for being too skinny and how nasty it was and why can’t people be happy being normal. Then later that night while watching a house buying show she made a comment this very fit woman looking like a man 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Just a female perspective, I’ve known women who behave this way even amongst female friends. When younger, wouldn’t go swimming because fat, put a mood out when we all get dressed up to go out because apparently fat. 🤷🏻‍♀️ It means the rest of us who maybe were fat and ok with it, or weren’t fat and had to dim our shine or confidence to appease them all night and pander to their need for constant attention or reassurance. To spend an entire day or night feeling down along with them.

It’s difficult and you can’t fix it, it’s a personality type . You can love them all you want and build them up, but never at the expense of your own happiness and comfort with yourself. That’s much harder in a marriage because you want your marriage to function like on all levels. 

To warn you, sudden attention from outside people can make these types forget anyone that’s ever loved them and built them up. That’s common too. They can find a new friend, lover, neighbour, Aunty, in-law or anybody and pour out all this new confidence they think this new person has brought out in them. So be alert here. 

A lot of this sounds like it’s all about her, and it sounds like you really love her and are trying everything and feeling really down and out because of it. Don’t do that, don’t dim your light, you can’t seem to make her happy. She’s got to love you too. 

How is she trying to build you up and make you happy? What does she contribute to YOUR self esteem and as a partner in crime? It can’t be one person doing all the giving, being patient and understanding while the other sits passively on the side, unhappily. 

Has there ever been an undercurrent or competition, or times where she hasn’t been happy for you? Does she join you in your successes or happy moods?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

"Dim the lights" has always been great advice for a romantic evening -- until porn videos. Now I guess that's made some people think that having stark lights on for filming is sexy. It's not. No one wants to see your tans lines either, you know, or your muffin top, any more than they want you to stare at theirs!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> "Dim the lights" has always been great advice for a romantic evening -- until porn videos. Now I guess that's made some people think that having stark lights on for filming is sexy. It's not. No one wants to see your tans lines either, you know, or your muffin top, any more than they want you to stare at theirs!


Way to exaggerate.

OP's wife wants it pitch dark. That's a far cry from dim the lights.

Not wanting it pitch dark has nothing to do with any effect of porn, come on now.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> "Dim the lights" has always been great advice for a romantic evening -- until porn videos. Now I guess that's made some people think that having stark lights on for filming is sexy. It's not. No one wants to see your tans lines either, you know, or your muffin top, any more than they want you to stare at theirs!


Whoa now. 

Tan lines are SEXY.


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## Dormatte (4 mo ago)

Also, this is just one side of the alleged story.

Op could be cheating on her frequently, perhaps insulting her and comparing her to other women, etc...

Who knows what has happened in her entire life.

Alot of people marry thinking things won't ever change, that each other won't change, that the dynamics won't change... they're stuck in thinking the "honeymoon" phase will last forever...

Then there's those who date and marry those they are incompatible with, that they're aware of this fact. 
Alot of people marry with the intent on trying to make that person their true ideal mate and match..not accepting the person for who they are.


This seems to be the case. In my opinion.

They were always incompatible, and he (perhaps she did as well) thought I can make this other person into my true ideal. 

It doesn't genuinely work out ever.


There's no solution to this but to divorce.
If all this is is true.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

T1Dad said:


> However one major issue that has existed for, honestly, close to the entire 16 years we have been together is intimacy. Our sex life could be called…very minimal, especially considering we are only in our thirties. The average for us overall has been a few times a year…maybe around once every 3 or 4 months. With the exception of when we were trying to conceive.


Funny that she only wants to have sex with you to make a baby, and outside of that it's like she doesn't even want your penis to ever touch her.



T1Dad said:


> Then after our son was born it went right back to every few months or longer.


Given your story, that ought not to have been a surprise to you.



T1Dad said:


> Now through all of this I consider myself to have a very healthy libido, so the lack of sex really hits me hard.


I encourage you to try some self reflection on this statement. Since settling for sex just a few times a year through 16 years to the point it has been almost 3 years of nuthin' without getting lots of it elsewhere demonstrates a severe lack of libido.



T1Dad said:


> My wife is EXTREMELY uncomfortable with her body, which causes issues with sex. She hates her body, considers herself fat, and doesn’t want even me to be able to really see it. Everything has to be DARK for this to happen…and I mean completely. Even to the extent that when the tv had a small red light on the bottom…that tiny amount of light in the room caused her to make me either unplug it or cover it with a blanket. She has always been this way, but years ago it wasn’t quite as bad.


That's really ****ed up! Why didn't you dump her from the get go?



T1Dad said:


> I would love to hear from anyone else who has had these same issues and know if there is anything more I could be doing to help her??


Well if you want to help her, you ought to tell her you're done ever settling for sharing sex in the dark and done only sharing sex after almost 3 years and just a few times a year otherwise if your lucky. And that on this, she is welcome to either fix this with you in a timely and sustained manner or you can set her free from the burden of sharing sex with you ever again.

That said before you do that (which you ought to by the way), you need to be completely honest with yourself and consider how you got here. Since your actions up till now, prove that you're the kind of man who will settle for mediocre sex in the dark, will settle for almost no sex in a supposedly sexual relationship and will settle for a completely sexless marriage for almost 3 years straight.

So it is highly likely that you will settle for exactly the same sort of thing again. If you are given an opportunity to share a sexual relationship with someone else, if helping your wife leads to the dissolution of your marriage.

Anyway before you tear the bandaid off, you should be very cognisant of your own role in being married to a woman who is so obviously loathe to have sex with you. Then with that considered, you ought to do what you feel is best.


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## mwise003 (1 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> A lot of women and some men want the room dark, as far back as I can remember. Lots of people are modest and have body issues. It doesn't help that all they see in the media are people with unrealistic bodies. And these days, a lot of women are aware their man is looking at porn and know that is what they want. But it's not really about you. It's about them and this is who they are. Why would you be pushing to have sex in the light when you already know this ruins it for her? Can't you just enjoy the touch and feel of her? Lots of people feel uncomfortable being watched during sex. It's not unusual at all.
> 
> So she's been avoiding sex because you don't respect her boundaries about it. Maybe if you just stopped trying to watch her and left lights out and kept having sex, she might relax and actually enjoy it.
> 
> I'm not saying it's your fault, but you can't control this and may just be making it worse.


It's also not unusual for men to want to see their loved ones. Most men are excited by what we see. Lights off, I would probably go soft, lights on, hard as a rock. We can't always "control" that.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

mwise003 said:


> It's also not unusual for men to want to see their loved ones. Most men are excited by what we see. Lights off, I would probably go soft, lights on, hard as a rock. We can't always "control" that.


I was always able to see in the dark. I don't think you need to have the lights on to see your partner. I think if they're completely turned off by it then you need to leave it alone and do with touch and feel and caring something about them and seeing what you can see when your eyes adjust to the dark. It's literally always been a thing to dim the lights for sex. She is who she is. If he doesn't like it I don't know why he married her. I bet he got used to watching porn and that is what made him decide he was so visual. I don't know why people think they're entitled to every single detail they want when it's another person who's paying the price for it.


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## mwise003 (1 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I was always able to see in the dark. I don't think you need to have the lights on to see your partner. I think if they're completely turned off by it then you need to leave it alone and do with touch and feel and caring something about them and seeing what you can see when your eyes adjust to the dark. It's literally always been a thing to dim the lights for sex. She is who she is. If he doesn't like it I don't know why he married her. I bet he got used to watching porn and that is what made him decide he was so visual. I don't know why people think they're entitled to every single detail they want when it's another person who's paying the price for it.


Porn porn porn, porn has nothing to do with men being visual. Porn is successful because men are visually stimulated. Some women want to blame everything they don't like on porn.
Look, I'm all about compromise w/ my wife, we have MANY. Why should either spouse compromise on an issue that clearly needs IC? Deal with your own issues to make your life better. 
This actually was one of my wife's issues and she dealt with it and is a better person for it. We have a great sex life. 
Sex in marriage is also about vulnerability, I get the lights on make many people feel vulnerable, but isn't that what it's all about?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

mwise003 said:


> Porn porn porn, porn has nothing to do with men being visual. Porn is successful because men are visually stimulated. Some women want to blame everything they don't like on porn.
> Look, I'm all about compromise w/ my wife, we have MANY. Why should either spouse compromise on an issue that clearly needs IC? Deal with your own issues to make your life better.
> This actually was one of my wife's issues and she dealt with it and is a better person for it. We have a great sex life.
> Sex in marriage is also about vulnerability, I get the lights on make many people feel vulnerable, but isn't that what it's all about?


Nope.


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## mwise003 (1 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Nope.


 touche. To each their own.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Evinrude58 said:


> She’s not going to be ok doing it period. The kid in the bed is there for a reason.


EXACTLY. I had my kids in our bed many nights when they were little, and it NEVER prevented sex...we would go to another room with a bed, or have sex on the couch or chair while the kids slept. In fact, I was more relaxed having sex outside of our bedroom when my kids were little, because I didn't like having sex where I knew they could hear or see.
And being in another room helped me get out of "mommy mode" and feel like a woman again.

Co-sleeping is NOT your problem. People who want to have sex always find ways to have sex.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Dormatte said:


> Also, this is just one side of the alleged story.
> 
> Op could be cheating on her frequently, perhaps insulting her and comparing her to other women, etc...
> 
> ...


Well shoot, if we can make stuff up, I say at least one of them is a space alien.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

T1Dad said:


> First, we made the poor decision a while back with our son to allow co-sleeping. We are unfortunately still paying for that mistake now, as our son absolutely refuses to go to sleep without at least one of us.





T1Dad said:


> we have a 9 year old son.


FFS, your kid is* NINE YEARS OLD*, not a toddler. This is all on you both to allow a kid dictate what goes on. You are both pathetic parents to allow this. Grow a set and start commanding respect. Start by putting that *NINE YEARS OLD* sleeping in his own bed, in his own room. You are raising another nanny boy.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

I dunno...

If she wants to have sex in the dark, I don't see it as so much of a big deal...Everyone can say what they want, but at the end of the day, she has her reasons, so I don't see that as so horrendous...Unless there is a big effort to make the room essentially pitch black, after a few minutes of adjustment, most people will be able to deal with it..

It helps, I guess, if the body types of both participants were on equal footing, but then a lot of guys don't give a crap how horrible they look naked, so they don't get it if a woman has a hangup about it...

I dunno...I have a good physique and have no hangups, but I don't think I would be unaccommodating if a woman didn't feel all that comfortable about something, providing it was reasonable, {having dim light would be reasonable}...I think some guys tend to go overboard with some of this stuff...Not every woman wants to ride in naked on a horse and do a striptease with spotlights before a sexual encounter......


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

hamadryad said:


> I dunno...
> 
> If she wants to have sex in the dark, I don't see it as so much of a big deal...Everyone can say what they want, but at the end of the day, she has her reasons, so I don't see that as so horrendous...Unless there is a big effort to make the room essentially pitch black, after a few minutes of adjustment, most people will be able to deal with it..
> 
> ...


Thank you. "Overboard" is a good way to put it. I'm so grateful men weren't like that when I was doing the majority of my dating. It was a non-issue.


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