# Need someone else's perspective



## Married 20 years (Jun 12, 2011)

I grew up in a home where Mom taught us to let her know if we were leaving, where we were going, and when we could be expected back. I thought this was common courtesy.

From the beginning of our marriage DH resented being questioned about where he was going and when he would be back. After a few years I accepted this as status quo. He perceives it as me trying to control him. I perceive it as caring - if he got hurt and didn't get home as expected I would know to look for him.

He works full time. I stay home and care for our children. Last week he took two vacation days from work. However, he got up as usual, acted as though he was going to work, and left for the day both days. He never told me he had vacation days. I figured out that he wasn't going to work when he got home the second day very late and said he was at his parents. When I directly asked him if he'd had vacation days this week, he admitted that he had taken days off to work on other things. He was preparing a speech for a presentation he had to give this weekend and he couldn't prepare adequately at home with the kids. After working on his speech each day he went to his parents' house 45 minutes away to help them around the house. He came home late each evening (his parents keep him there as long as possible). 

I believe him 100% that he spent his days the way he said he did. However, I was upset that he misled me into thinking he was headed into work while having other plans and not letting me know them. When I confronted him about it he said he thought I'd try to fill up his vacation days and he had other things he had to get done.

Am I being too controlling? Has anyone been through something similar? I need someone else's perspective. DH is very hard working and usually has a lot on his plate, but the hard work of relationships is out of his league.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

No, you are not being controlling or unreasonable. He lied by omission and left home in a way that appeared as if he were going to work. That is dishonest. It shows a lack of communication and trust in the relationship. You have a right to be bothered.

Did you check with his parents to make sure he was really there? Blind faith in anyone, including your husband, is not wise. 

Your husband sounds like he has no sense of accountability to you. But you are his wife and you BOTH have a mutual accountability to each other. That does not mean you get to dictate everything the other does, but it does mean you let each other know what is going on in your lives. That is what emotional intimacy is all about.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You aren't being controlling. It's common courtesy to let those who care about you (and prepare your meals) know when to expect you home. Anyone over the age of 8 understands that it's unkind to make others worry or to inconvenience them needlessly. When I'm on the road, I always let my wife know when I've arrived. I don't want to linger in a ditch waiting for the buzzards to descend before someone notices I'm overdue. As far as his deception, assuming you are a reasonable sort who would not likely give him grief should he wish to work on a paper or visit his parents, I don't buy his explanation. Adults of reasonably good character don't conceive and carry out elaborate deceptions without some good (generally sinister) reason. If you wouldn't rake him over the coals for working on a speech or visiting his parents, why would he believe the charade necessary?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> You aren't being controlling. It's common courtesy to let those who care about you (and prepare your meals) know when to expect you home. Anyone over the age of 8 understands that it's unkind to make others worry or to inconvenience them needlessly. When I'm on the road, I always let my wife know when I've arrived. I don't want to linger in a ditch waiting for the buzzards to descend before someone notices I'm overdue. As far as his deception, assuming you are a reasonable sort who would not likely give him grief should he wish to work on a paper or visit his parents, I don't buy his explanation. Adults of reasonably good character don't conceive and carry out elaborate deceptions without some good (generally sinister) reason. If you wouldn't rake him over the coals for working on a speech or visiting his parents, why would he believe the charade necessary?


:iagree:

Did you verify with his parents that he was indeed at their house those two days? I would. I think what he did by not telling was both discourteous AND dishonest.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Yes, what your husband did was dishonest and misleading. Actions like that can destroy the trust in a marriage. Trust is one of the essential characteristics for having a good marriage. If you are asking if you are controlling, I imagine it is because your husband said you were controlling? Has there been anyone else. Think aout the behaviors that are controlling. If you saw those same behaviors on someone else, what would you think? We are often very hard on ourselves, and sometimes we believe everthing that other people tell us (even when they are trying to hurt us). Don't be so hard on yourself that the negativity clouds out who you really are.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

No you are not being controlling and I think his defensive posture about this is irrational. My wife and I (25 years + 4 dating) always tell each other where we are going when we go out alone, and when we are expecting to be back. That's not distrust, it's common courtesy. If I don't know where she is or what time she should be back, how do I know when to call the police about a missing person? I take our dog for long walks in the woods. Of course I want my wife to know where I am and when I expect to be back in case something happens and I need help.

You've got it right, he's got it wrong.


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## Red347 (Jun 12, 2011)

All of these responses indicate why there is such a high divorce rate in this country. Bottomline is, If someone really wants to cheat, there is nothing you can do to stop them, aside from murder. I would suggest that you continue to trust in God, and be positive about your marriage. Not everyone who cheats find greener pastures....take my word for it. Most wish they had never done it afterwards. If you have been happy in your marriage up to this point, continue to be.


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## Red347 (Jun 12, 2011)

If your husband cheated, and you never knew about, or found out about it, how would it affect you? Answer : Not at all.


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## Married 20 years (Jun 12, 2011)

The reality is he hasn't cheated in our marriage and I have my eyes wide open. Whenever I mention his lack of accountability to anyone they automatically suspect infidelity, and understandably. It happens with alarming frequency. 

Porn has been a problem for him, but he has actively committed to avoiding it. He is well aware of the negative effect it has on him and our relationship. We have pornography-blocking software on all our computers. His work computer is monitored also.

As you stated it does me no good to accuse him of cheating. First of all, I don't believe he cheated. Second, the real problem is that he does not want me to know what's going on in his life and he's being deceptive. 

Also, I do not have a good relationship with his parents and he knows I resent all the time he spends there. Therefore, he has taken to not telling me when he visits them. 

The real problem is much deeper than cheating. It is withdrawing from getting too close in the relationship. Distancing himself from me.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Nonsense! If your husband was a serial killer but you never stumbled across a body, you'd still be married to a murderer, so it would affect you. If OW's jealous husband pops over and starts blowing rounds at her house, would it affect her? If she wakes up with an STD, would that affect her? How about if OW gets pregnant and a portion of the household budget has to go to baby mama? Think that might affect her?


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## Married 20 years (Jun 12, 2011)

Cheating is a symptom of a deeper problem within the marriage. It is not okay to overlook it and allow it to continue. Ignorance is NOT bliss. However, if the deeper problem within the marriage is confronted and dealt with a relationship can recover from cheating. On the other hand, staying with a spouse who continues to cheat and refuses to deal with the deeper issues within the marriage would not be healthy.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Exactly!! Adultary is just a symptom of a much larger disease. Pretending that you don't notice chest pain doesn't mean you're healthy.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Red347 said:


> If your husband cheated, and you never knew about, or found out about it, how would it affect you? Answer : Not at all.


Not true at all.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Married 20 years said:


> Also, I do not have a good relationship with his parents and he knows I resent all the time he spends there. Therefore, he has taken to not telling me when he visits them.


It's interesting how additional important information comes out in the course of discussion. If this is just a "me vs them" issue then I think you would be wise to leave your husband alone. He likely resents the fact that you resent his parents.


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## Married 20 years (Jun 12, 2011)

Thank you all for your input. This board has been very helpful (not just my post, but other posts I have read). I have gained some insight into my own role in this issue and learned a thing or two about the way men think. DH and I have had a discussion and are working through this in a positive way.


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## Red347 (Jun 12, 2011)

One last point...You mentioned the problem issue with the inlaws. I can say with confidence that is more of a problem than if he was cheating. He loves his parents, and he loves you. The worse thing you can do is make him feel he has to make a choice between the both. The wife will lose most of the time in a marriage that has matured. When it is early in the relationship, that might work. But later when a man is older and wiser, it's a big mistake.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My grandparents are still living (I am very lucky). They need a little help and I pop in every day or so. I won't have them forever and they really need my help. If I didn't, they would likely have to go to a nursing home and they love their independence. My wife knows I do this and she even comes with me sometimes. I'd really hate it if I were in a position where I had to lie to my wife in order to take care of what I perceived as my moral responsibilities. Part of why she married me is because I do try to faithfully take care of my own. I can't change now and if I did, I wouldn't be the person she married. If your husband really is going to visit his parents and he feels he has to lie to you in order to do so, that's pretty sad. Devotion to one's parents is a very admirable trait (when not taken to the extreme). The time he spends with them isn't a threat to you. It's probably the very best security. Shows his commitment is for life and someday that could be very handy if you need to be cared for. 
If you want to spend more time with your man and bond more intimately with him, I think a great place to start would be to make nice with his parents. If you popped over there and helped with the cleaning, he wouldn't need to. There's not much better way to a man's heart than to show that you care for those important to him. The added benefit is that you'd also endear yourself to his parents and every time he visited them, they'd fill his ears with praises about you. He probably really values their opinion. 
He knows you don't dig him going over there so it's plausible that he may have withheld the truth simply to avoid hearing grief from you about going. This actually sounds like a great opportunity to talk to him about his parents' needs and to maybe help repair two relationships. Sounds like a win all the way around.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

He didn't tell you he was going to his parents because it was easier not to. He didn't want to hear the grief you would give him for taking vacation days to see his parents. He didn't want you to turn it into a competition, who to spend his vacation days with, you or mom.


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