# Cell phones - setting boundaries



## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

This is a very general thread but it's a recurring theme I've seen just about everywhere and it makes me question why they are considered such a necessity. The general consensus is that they are empowering and convenient but OTOH they can also be a leash of sorts. 

As a parent I often have to come up with reasons why my tween (11yo) doesn't need a cell phone and then I look at my wife who never looks up from hers only to realize that I'm 3 feet away doing the same thing and I struggle with the hypocrisy. It makes me wonder "is there a protocol out there that allows us to balance the convenience of technology with having personal discipline and courtesy for others?" 

I'd be really curious about that, but I'm going to go out on a limb and try and write my own. I doubt that anybody else in my house would look up from their phones to take notice - unless I text or put it out on Facebook! 

First, let's list the good points of cell phones. In my family's case: 

1: we can contact each other in real time via text message. This also has the added benefit of providing a record for any potential "he said/she said" debates. 

2: through an app our family can coordinate schedules, invite/remind others of important events, contribute to a grocery list - or any other kind of list for that matter (such as home improvement, vacation planning, doctors' appointments, etc.)

3: we can share ideas via social media, socialize with mutual friends, etc. 

Then there's the bad: 

1: we each individually socialize via social media and are so invested in these nebulous relationships that they rob emotional capital from actual relationships. This can be deadly to a marriage. 

2: the realtime aspect of being plugged in causes us to lose perspective on the here and now, to the point where from the outside it looks like we're completely disinterested in the world around us. The best illustration I can see to this is witnessing other families sitting around the a table at a restaurant fully invested in their phones. I know that I'm personally guilty of this. 

So, what to do? Here are some ideas I have: 

1: when at home, have a dedicated space where your cell phone will stay - ideally next to where you would keep your car keys. DO NOT use it at home - even as an alarm clock. If you're using it for reminders, have it slaved to another device like an Amazon Echo for audio reminders or your smart TV for text memos. 

2: when away from home with the family, keep it in your pocket. I'd go so far as to say keep it in your car if you're in a restaurant, movie or some kind of event that your paid good money for your undivided attention. If it has to be with you, turn off all but essential alerts. Unless there's a tornado bearing down on you do you really need to deal with various types of SPAM being spewed by that thing? 

3: when you are alone (either at home or not,) make sure that other family members (children, spouses, elderly parents who rely on you for everyday support) are your primary contacts. Remember, it's a communication device and your family is deserves to have priority. When out in the community, it can serve as a means of meeting up if for some reason your become separated. 

4: use the DO NOT DISTURB function when at home. I have mine set to mute all but personal contacts between 10pm and 7am. That is time I have designated for sleeping

Maybe I'm being a curmudgeon, but I remember a time before cell phones - and even personal computers. Hell, there were times when we'd even lose power for days and rely on burning things for heat and entertaining ourselves with things that didn't require electricity. I wouldn't go back to those Dark Ages - at least not completely - but man do these things run our lives if we're not careful!


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

My kids have cell phones but I have them set with parental guards so they basically just function for calls and text, with about two games each (but they'd rather play a real game system anyway). Because of those settings I don't run into the issues that a lot of people do. Also, we eat breakfast and dinner together, and lunch on weekends, so we have plenty of family time without distractions to stay interacting. So instead of limiting phone usage I just build in family time into the daily schedule so we don't miss out on each others lives due to distractions from technology.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

What Banana said.

Kids at 11 may or may not have a need, personal choice obviously. 

W and have known circumstance, she can use or look at my phone anytime, me hers. We've never had a hang up abouts that. I myself can't conceive of a M where one keeps their phone private. 

My phone I've gotten used to paying Bill's etc with. Loaded with security features. Being in IT, the phone is a tool for me, nothing more.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Ultimately it comes entirely down to personal responsibility and self control.

Having such a device in hand really tests that because there are essentially no external hard restrictions. That is perhaps the biggest change of all that people are having to deal with collectively. Up until the invention of the internet, and more specifically, the smart phone, there were physical barriers to communication... time and distance. Now, most anyone can communicate a thought to millions of people anywhere, at any time, with no real limitations, and no consequences.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I think rules for kids is not only a good idea, it's necessary.

I love my husband, and he is free to look at my phone anytime. He is also free to ask me to put it aside. But if he made rules for me to follow, like a parent, I'd be highly annoyed. He's not my dad, he's my husband.

Luckily he is not that kind of person.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

personofinterest said:


> I think rules for kids is not only a good idea, it's necessary.
> 
> I love my husband, and he is free to look at my phone anytime. He is also free to ask me to put it aside. But if he made rules for me to follow, like a parent, I'd be highly annoyed. He's not my dad, he's my husband.
> 
> Luckily he is not that kind of person.


That is a valid point. My frustration is that I feel like I am competing with a cell phone for my wife's attention during a very small window of time when we are physically in the same room. Most of the time she's playing games. 

I understand that making rules and expecting another to follow them without leading by example are hypocritical, but I submit that sometimes parents don't act like adults until they're hit in the face with the realization that their kids pick up their bad habits. I will be making a concerted effort for both me and my son to put our phones in a safe place when they are not being used. As for mommy, well she's free to do what she wants but if my 11yo pipes up and calls her on being a hypocrite when she complains about his gaming then who am I to dispute logic that comes from the mouth of babes?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

It is sad to go someplace and see an entire family or even a couple where everyone has their nose glued to their phone and no conversation taking place. No laughter, nothing. I do not understand the purpose of having someone right in front of you, if you are going to distracted by stuff that is happening everywhere else.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

m00nman said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > I think rules for kids is not only a good idea, it's necessary.
> ...


I was in a restaurant with my girlfriend a few years ago and when the food arrived she took out her phone and took photos of it. She started posting on social media and also messaging friends. 
This went on for some time and I had finished my meal when she put her phone down.
She then called the waiter over and complained about her food being cold. 
That’s when I left.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Kids need rules, but I'm not a parent so won't go there.

You are combining social media w/ cell phones, they are two difft. things. 

There are a lot of people whose best friend is their cell phone. I feel sorry for them, but don't waste my time on them.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

SpinyNorman said:


> You are combining social media w/ cell phones, they are two difft. things.


That's like a fish missing water, but is essentially a technicality. They are two components of the problem I am alluding to. The cell phone is just the physical artifact that is most ubiquitous to the use of social media applications -but I'd lump texting and taking social telephone calls as the same type of obstruction toward face to face human interaction.


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

2 days ago I would have agreed with every bit of the original post. Today, I can say that I will never turn my phone off at night again.

I dont want to take away from the point of the thread by telling the story, but our lives are changed forever. My 8 and 15 year old daughters will have to live with what they saw forever and I will have to live with the fact I wasnt there.. forever. All because i turn my ringer off at night.

As for kids themselves, my youngest does not have a cell phone but she does have an ipad. My oldest has had a cell phone for 4 years but that was only AFTER she was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes via a trip in the ambulance and 5 day stay in the ICU. My rule is generally, when you start driving you get a cell phone. Its much harder to keep track of them when they can get around themselves.

Sent from my SM-G930W8 using Tapatalk


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

NotEZ said:


> 2 days ago I would have agreed with every bit of the original post. Today, I can say that I will never turn my phone off at night again.
> 
> I dont want to take away from the point of the thread by telling the story, but our lives are changed forever. My 8 and 15 year old daughters will have to live with what they saw forever and I will have to live with the fact I wasnt there.. forever. All because i turn my ringer off at night.
> 
> ...


I use an iPhone.I can turn it to do not disturb but I can select particular numbers which will ring.
Also it can be set that if certain numbers call more than once they will connect.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

The last few years of my first marriage, my devices, social media, even the Solitaire app, became my escape. I know I used them to numb my brain and cope with the gaping loneliness.

When current hubby and I first became serious, I set rules for myself regarding the phone just because it had become such an extension I didn't even REALIZE how much I used it. Now it's sort of understood that we are off our phones when together unless we happen to both be doing something pertinent OR one of us is watching something that isn't all that interesting to the other (like his boat racing or my cupcake wars lol).


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

m00nman said:


> That's like a fish missing water, but is essentially a technicality. They are two components of the problem I am alluding to. The cell phone is just the physical artifact that is most ubiquitous to the use of social media applications -but I'd lump texting and taking social telephone calls as the same type of obstruction toward face to face human interaction.


Trying to keep it accurate. I know people who only do social media on a computer, never a phone. 

I think we agree that there is a lot of value in paying attention to the people you're with, as opposed to treating them as something to entertain you while you wait for your phone.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Stop worrying about being a hypocrite.

Your children are neither your peers nor your equals.


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## Penny905 (Mar 28, 2014)

We have 5 kids, so rules were a must. 

Kids rules: 

-You didn't get a cell phone until you graduated 8th grade with all A's & B's. If you didn't get that, whenever you finally did do it you got a phone. If you got anything less than that you would loose your phone for the marking period. We did make exceptions occasionally when we would see the child putting forth all the effort needed including doing extra credit etc and not getting it. If they got lower and it was because they didn't hand in work, Oh well! 
-Phone stayed in kitchen on charge when you went to bed, as they got older it was by 1030. If they "forgot" or fell asleep before putting it on charge, they lost it for 24 hours. Following through on that rule, really helps them remember.

Everyone rules:

-No cell phones at the dinner table, even the adults
-If we are watching a movie, we can check texts received or answer calls but no playing games or surfing social media


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Stop worrying about being a hypocrite.
> 
> Your children are neither your peers nor your equals.


I have bigger things to worry about. I'm just aware that kids are always watching and pick up things whether you're worried about it or not - and will show you what they've learned when you lease expect it. It's about setting a standard - and self improvement is as big a goal as being a good example.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

m00nman said:


> I have bigger things to worry about. I'm just aware that kids are always watching and pick up things whether you're worried about it or not - and will show you what they've learned when you lease expect it. It's about setting a standard - and self improvement is as big a goal as being a good example.



You get to give boundaries to your kids, and rules, because you are a parent.

You also get to set boundaries for yourself.

You don't get to set rules for another grownup.


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## pLaTesPinNeR (Oct 28, 2017)

My oldest is 11. She is also a high level athlete who spends tons of time training, and also on team trips, etc. She gets perfect grades and is a high achiever. We just got her a phone so she can contact us (and vice versa). It helps hugely with things like when sports drop-off and pick up times change, which parent (or sometimes grandparent) might be picking her up, the odd time she’s out of town with the team, or if we’re out somewhere in case we get separated. 

As a prerequisite she had to demonstrate responsibility for about 6 months before she got it. And we all sat down and signed a “contract”. This includes limitations on when phones can be used - NEVER at the family table, NEVER before 8am or after 8 pm, etc. In addition we removed the safari apps, limited how many contacts she can have (each parent, my sister in law, certain grandparents who help with pickups, and two friends). She has a couple of games she mostly plays if she’s waiting for someone to pick her up or something. The phone never goes to school. The phone is put in the central “family charging station” in the kitchen every single night, and stays there throughout the school day. The contract outlines that her dad and I have the right to confiscate and look through the phone at any time. She also cannot alter any pass codes or passwords without our permission. We have scheduled “free screen time”. They can choose which device they’d like to use for this. We remove free screen time often as punishment (though DD is such a good kid she rarely endures this - DS Loses his screen privileges more often). 

We have lots of parental restrictions on all the devices, but I still check them regularly - history, apps, games, etc. As she gets older we will revisit the contract. All of the items we came up with for ourselves were based on our own family needs. Our “no devices at the table or in bed” rule has been in place since the kids were tiny, so they’re pretty used to it. No iPads, no laptops, no phones or tablets or handheld gaming thingies EVER in bed or at the table. This applies to myself also. No tv in the room. No devices. Books, certainly. Screens, no. 

Personally I think having strict rules on this is vital. Maybe your wife will start to notice how much she’s on hers if you start enforcing these rules on your kids and yourself? I went through that with exH. He was missing out on so much staring at the screen. And the kids eventually start saying “well why can dad use his devices but we can’t?” Or “dad? Why don’t you put that down and play with us?”. That got him to change more than anything I could have ever said to him.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

My daughters depend on their phones and are on them often, but they don't LIVE on social media. They've learned that they're happier when they strike the right balance, and they fast from social media often. 

One simple solution is to put a basket in the house and at certain times, say between 6 and 8, have all the phones (including the parents') in the basket.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

We quickly learned it was better to take phones away at bedtime.


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

My husband and I gave both of our children pre-paid cell flip phones in junior high (10-11 yrs old). They were not allowed to give out their number (with VERY few exceptions, and they had ro be pre-approved), and had a maximum of 100 minutes per month for calling home, and emergencies. We did so because their school had no pay phones, and the school's office phones were off limits except for only emergencies. Our children often had after school activities, and needed to call for a ride when they were done. Or, to be picked up from a friend's hke; They also understood that we could check their phones at any time, and had to share their password; no exceptions. 

By the time our daughter reached high school, she begged for more minutes, and a smart phone. We refused to pay for her to get one, so she got a job at 14, working on a farm, and bought her own phone, and paid for it on her own. She was still required to give us her password, and let us know who she was in contact with. She also understood that even though she paid for it, she could still lose it as a punishment. 

We have never allowed cell phones at the dinner table. On family trips, like camping, phones must be turned off (I have mine on vibrate for emergencies) until after dinner (free-time). If we are visiting family, cell phones stay in a pocket or purse, unless they are showing a picture, or something specific. Basically, they are not allowed to get so invested in their phone that they are not paying attention, or visiting with friends and family. That rule applies to anyone in my home, I REFUSE to allow cell phones at my dining table, during movie nights, etc. (Unless someone is expecting an important call and lets me know). (All of our children's social media activities were monitored. They got more freedoms as they proved to us that they could be trusted. If you ever take the time to read what some kids post online, you definitely understand why we kept an eye on them. Not obsessively, just enough to keep them out of trouble, and sometimes, they still got dragged into high school drama.) 

Basically, even though our kids are now adults (living at home due to the economy and lack of housing where we live) the cell phone rules still apply (but they have unlimited minutes and pay their own bill), for all family members. Everyone has plenty of free time to get lost in their phone without being rude, or obsessed that they might miss the latest meme their friends posted. Even when their friends (also adults) come over, they respect that we are not a family obsessed with gadgets, even though we all have them. They put away their phones, and interact. Novel concept, I know!

I do think in this day and age, it is reasonable for younger children to have basic phones with limited minutes for emergencies, or calling for a ride home, etc. I disagree with elementary ages kids having the hottest phone on the market. They will survive without playing games, tweeting, snap chatting, etc every waking moment. Teaching them that a cell phone is not a right, and should me used in moderation, has turned my children into well rounded adults who actively engage in many non-tech related activities every chance they get. 

To each their own though.


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