# Newbie here: Too late for NC letter?



## Tetah (Oct 5, 2011)

I have just recently found this wonderful forum and all of the wonderful people and advise has really helped me a lot. I have made all the mistakes possible and don't know how to go forward. It is 15 weeks post d-day and I am still having an extremely hard time believing anything WH says. Here is my story, be forewarned that it is long and wordy, as I firmly believe in the importance of details!
I have been with my H for 18 years, 13 of those years married. We were the best of friends and shared everything, a truly "storybook" marriage. I never had any reason not to fully trust him. We were so happy and deeply in love. We have 2 beautiful children and enjoy family time, we never fight and disagreements are handled like mature adults. Sounds wonderful, huh? I sure thought so and everyone else thought we had a perfect marriage. 
I am a stay at home mom and he works for a company that travels every week and home on weekends. He has work there for 13 years and is now a manager. His job sent him out of state this January and since he was 8 hours from home he would stay there for 3 weeks at a time. He would always call home and talk to me and the kids almost every night he was away from home. The phone calls started to slack off and he would go days between calling home. When I asked him about it he just said work had him really busy. I started getting suspicious when he called me one night, after not calling for 3 days, saying "Remember me telling you about what so-and-so did yesterday?" To which I responded "No, you never told me about that." He argued saying yes he did because we had an hour long conversation about it last night, I said thats funny because we didn't talk yesterday. After a long pause he says "Whatever, I know I told you about it you just don't remember." EH? I don't remember a conversation we supposedly had last night? Whatever... and so I dropped it. It kept bothering me after we hung up so I went on his cell phone website to see who he was talking to for so long. I noticed a number that was called a lot...like 3 hours of talk time a day. So, the next time we talked I asked him about it and he said it was one of his workers. I said ok and dropped it again but kept watch on his cellphone. The calls to the "worker" continued and actually ramped up. I noticed his texting had increased massively as well. Our carrier doesn't give access to the content of the texts, only how many were sent. Then on FaceBook I noticed he had a new friend and looking at her profile saw that she worked at the hotel he stayed at all the tme. Asked him about her and he said she was the wife of a friend of his and that friend didn't have his own FB account. I wanted to believe him....but I unfriended her from his page. He never said anything about it so I thought maybe I was wrong and he was telling the truth.
When he would come home he would act distant and not want to spend time with the family. He ordered a popular workout video series and bought new clothes/underwear. All the signs of cheating but I was too niave to believe he would actually have an A. he started keeping his phone with him at all times, even taking it in the bathroom when he showered! Letting the battery go dead, which he never did before because he is a manager and has to be able to be reached at all times. I never said anything out of fear that I was wrong and it would just make me look foolish. The calls and texts continued and I remained silent, letting it eat at my soul. I knew he was having an A but couldn't find the strength to confront him about it. I couldn't get anything done, housework was being neglected, my children were noticing my change in mood. Then in May his company transferred him back to our home area. I thought great, now that he can't see her then it has to be over, right? WRONG... the calls continued as did the texts. c So I asked him if he had heard from or talked to anyone from there since he no longer worked there. At first he said no then he said he was talking to his friend"insert guy name". A friend I had never heard of, so when he got home that weekend I waited until he fell asleep and took his phone out to the car to charge it (since he let it go dead again) and searched for this "friend" in his contact list. Well I found him, which we all know was a her, and found picture texts that she had sent him claiming her undying love and how much she missed him since he wasn't around. He had deleted all the call logs and texts from her so I couldn't find any proof of that on his BB but the pictures he had saved in a seperate folder. I also found emails from FB about a secret account he had on there. I marched inside and woke his a$$ up. I confronted him then and there since I had proof that he couldn't lie about. He said nothing happened, they were just friends, they just talked. I told him I didn't believe him and asked if it went physical. Of course he said no. I then said well why the h#ll is she professing her undying love for you if you never slept with her. He said he didn't know that all they ever did was kiss and hug a few times... So I asked if he ever told her that he loved her , again he said no. I told him exactly how I found out all my information, big no no. We fought for 4 hours and since I wasn't getting anything but "I'm sorry" and "I didn't mean to hurt you" and "I don't know" for answers I gave up and went to bed. (I later found a way to look at picture messages sent/recieved on his phone and found proof that he did in fact tell her ily. When I confronted him with them he said he was just trying to make her feel better and he only loves me. He didn't want to tell me the truth becase he saw how upset I was and didn't want to hurt me anymore than he already had.)
He went to work the next day and I told him he could contact her one last time to tell her its over and if he contacted her after that then our marriage was over. he said ok but when i told him to do it right then and there so I could hear him he said he couldn't because he had to call her at certain times because she was married too. So I foolishly said ok but do it through texts and send me a copy so I can see them. He agreed to that and left for work. He texted me the next day saying it was all taken care of and it was over. when I asked him to send me copies of the texts he said he couldn't because she said they kept coming to her phone over and over again so he deleted her number and all the texts so they would stop resending. I was pissed and told him I didn't believe him. He told me what supposedly was said and it doesn't sound right, especially coming out of a 6 month EA/PA.
Her; You still at work?
Him: yeah but I need to talk to you about something later
Her: Well tell me now
Him" ok. My wife confronted me about everything and from this point on there will be no contact ever again. If there is then everyone will know about everything.
Her: ok, I guess this is goodbye then.
Him: Yeah
herafter a few minutes) delete my contact info out of your phone. I keep getting the message over and over
Him: ok

And he claims he hasn't talked to her since. From everything I have read on here that doesn't seem right, for him to be able to just walk away that easily and break all contact. He doesn't want me telling anyone about it because"it's our problem, we need to fix it". After obsessing/snooping some more, I saw on old cell phone bills where he had been calling a different number last fall just as much. So I texted that number and asked who she ws and why she ws talking to my husband so much. She said they were just friends and texted a few times but she doesn't mess with married men...*insert eye roll* I asked him about it and he blew a fuse. Saying that was 6 years ago( wrong ...its on last Octobers bill) and they just talked. He never thought anything of it and am I going to bring this sh*t up every two weeks for the rest of our lives? I told him if he hadn't of cheated on me we wouldn't be talking about any of it so he can't be mad at me for it.
Aside from refusing to talk about the A (possible 2) he is being completely transparent, stopped using his phone so much and now only calls me and his boss and a few co-workers. I put a text forwarder on his phone but he found it the next day and deleted it saying" I didn't know what it was but if you want it on there thats fine" What's the point if he knows its there he won't be texting OW now will he? He is very attentive and is trying to regain my trust by telling me everything he does and everywhere he goes, which is getting annoying quite honestly! We talk for hours but never about the A. Anytime I bring it up he says he just wants it over with so we can move on and gets angry at me for talking about it. When I ask him why he felt he needed to do that he says he doesn't know and maybe something is wrong with him and he needs to get help. 
That's when I went online searching for advice and found this wonderful site. See, I made all the mistakes possible as a betrayed spouse and quite possible forced the A underground. I really have no way of knowing either way. Everything he does leads me to believe he is sorry but without talking about it all I don't see how I can heal. My question is this, is it too far past d-day to ask for /expect a NC letter? Where do I go from here? He is talking about renewing our vows next month and I don't think I can do that without knowing everything.
wow this was long, but I think I gave all the details. If there are any questions, just ask and I will answer.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

As a cheater myself, he has no right to move on at a faster pace than you. Write the NC and set boundaries and expectations that last a lifetime. If he's truly done, it shouldn't be a problem. He is not allowed to decide when he has earned your trust back. I'd agree to it no matter how much time had passed.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

It's never too late for you to tell him what you need and for him to do it gladly. HerToo is right, if he's really done he should do it with no problem, but he should be the one to write it - you approve it and verify it's sent the way you approved it. I'm 16 months post D Day and if my wife asked me to write one to my AP (affair partner) today I'd do it. I'd ask her if she were sure first, if she wouldn't rather let sleeping dogs lye, but if she said do it I would with no hesitation. 

You're right to think that the conversation relayed to you where they said goodbye is B.S. There's no way that went down like that but unless you can recover it you'll never know. Honestly, it sounds to me like he hasn't taken full ownership and accountability of what he's done and is not genuinely remorseful. It sounds like he's sorry he got caught and is trying to sweep the whole thing under the rug. That doesn't mean he is still communicating with her, but if correct it does mean that the two of you can't begin the process of reconciliation. He has to own it, he has to be remorseful with every ounce of his being in order to successfully reconcile - I'm not sure he's there.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Long post. To recap, your H had a an affair and he broke it off over text. and as far as your investigations go there been no futher contact, and how long ago did this happen?

Last thing, don't let him sweep this under the carpet, it will be a b!tch to heal from if he does.....not that cheating is painful enough, its just more difficult to heal and more likely to repeat if the both of you try to forget it ever happened.


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## Tetah (Oct 5, 2011)

the guy said:


> Long post. To recap, your H had a an affair and he broke it off over text. and as far as your investigations go there been no futher contact, and how long ago did this happen?
> 
> Last thing, don't let him sweep this under the carpet, it will be a b!tch to heal from if he does.....not that cheating is painful enough, its just more difficult to heal and more likely to repeat if the both of you try to forget it ever happened.


D-Day was June 19th, 15 weeks ago. I apologize for the long post, I do tend to get a bit wordy!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

You need more than a NC letter 


For starters you have a husband who is looking sweep it under the rug instead of showing true remorse. This indicates that you have a unwilling partner right now and either he is still engaging in the affairs (likely) or will continue to do again if you don't start giving him consequences.

You can one of two ways here-

start investigating further and reconfront him or better yet...

start making it very clear that if you don't get the following you are leaving the marriage:

1) No contact whatsoever with with these affair partners. Have him hand write two letters to each OW and send by certified mail. If either woman contacts him he must ignore and tell you about it right away. 
2) He must be completely transparent- no more deleting texts, he must give up all passwords and email accounts, etc. If you want to see his phone then he must give it to you. At the same time you also verify (without telling him what you are doing) with spy tech. Use Spyware and GPS for the phone, get a keylogger on the laptop etc. I am aware you have done some of this already, start getting creative as he is finding ways around it. Use VAR's in places like his car to catch him making calls.
3) He must show true remorse not only thru words but thru actions. He hasn't done this at all. He must tell you the truth, he must answer any question you have no matter how many times you ask, he must not blame the affairs on your marital problems or other reasons, he must own up to the affair. 

also important....

without telling him you need to expose the affair to the OW's husbands.
exposing him to his family if he does not stop is also a good idea.

Affairs are like vampires, exposing them in the light takes away their powers.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

btw- what kind of phone?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Affairs are like vampires, exposing them in the light takes away their powers.


HA! I always compared them to roaches. Once the light is turned on they run away.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> HA! I always compared them to roaches. Once the light is turned on they run away.


that works too

I prefer metaphors to similes though, perhaps I can come up with something better later


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## Tetah (Oct 5, 2011)

He has a blackberry. I have exposed to his mother already and the OW mother as well. I only recently found an email address for the OWH and sent him an email but have not received any replies.
Wanted to add that I have also talked to my mother and sister about it but he is unaware of it.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Tetah;442995 I only recently found an email address for the OWH and sent him an email but have not received any replies.
[/QUOTE said:


> possible it was intercepted? I'd follow up with a call in a day or two.
> 
> 
> as far as the blackberry- try a sim card reader. Google sim card reader and the blackberry model.


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## Tetah (Oct 5, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> possible it was intercepted? I'd follow up with a call in a day or two.
> 
> 
> as far as the blackberry- try a sim card reader. Google sim card reader and the blackberry model.


Yes it is very possible it was intercepted and was considering calling him but seeing as I only have her number i am not sure if I will be able to actually talk to him. But I am still going to try.

Will the sim card reader find deleted texts? I have looked at back up files from the BB but it doesn't keep a record of deleted ones.


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## Tetah (Oct 5, 2011)

Tetah said:


> Will the sim card reader find deleted texts? I have looked at back up files from the BB but it doesn't keep a record of deleted ones.


Nm, just googled it and found out his phone model (BB 8530) doesn't have a sim card.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Tetah said:


> Yes it is very possible it was intercepted and was considering calling him but seeing as I only have her number i am not sure if I will be able to actually talk to him. But I am still going to try.
> 
> Will the sim card reader find deleted texts? I have looked at back up files from the BB but it doesn't keep a record of deleted ones.


not entirely positive with deleted texts in regards to the blackberry, but I do know that on other phones it can retrieve some of the texts


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Tetah said:


> Nm, just googled it and found out his phone model (BB 8530) doesn't have a sim card.


wow, tell him he needs to get a different phone...


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## Tetah (Oct 5, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> wow, tell him he needs to get a different phone...


Lol, I told him he had to get rid of the BB all together and get a phone without texting features. He changed his number and said he would "downgrade" his phone once the contract was up on it, which I think is in a month or so.


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