# Wife wants divorce - confused on what to do?



## socalguy (Jun 10, 2012)

We have been married for 9 years. During the first few years we had some serious financial issues but my wife chose to stay with me and we both went through the mess together. For the past 3 years, our finances are great but we have no sex life. Because of my wife's promotion, we moved to another city so she can be close to her work. That leaves me with a 3+ hour work commute, 6X a week. We both have jobs where we deal with a lot of people and always have to be on our "A" game. At the end of the day, I am truly exhausted and drained but I always try to put on a positive attitude in front of my wife. My wife has been wanting and waiting to have children for the past 5 years. I want children but we just do not have enough sex to have children. We have been sex free for almost two years. Every time I am trying to be romantic, she just brushes me off.

Fast forward to Mother's day 2012. My wife explodes and tells me she wants a divorce. I totally did not see it coming. In the past 3 years, she threaten divorce a couple times before but had always backed off when I explained things. She seemed fine even on our 9th year anniversary 3 weeks earlier. This time she told me that I am too wishy washy and do not have set goals for life. She tells me that I have over promised on everything and have yet delivered. She also told me that all our friends and her family members have children and they were married after us. She said we act more like brother and sister than a married couple.

I assume she is not "in love" with me. She probably loves me as a person but not like a husband. Even today she still treats me nicely. We do not have any arguments but I can see her just counting the days till I move out (next weekend). I truly love my wife as she is everything to me. She is asking for a divorce but she wants me to do everything. She wants me to hire the attorney and start the divorce process. Now I am a "soft" person but why am I doing something that I don't want to do? All her family members know that I am "whipped". This has been tough.

Here is what my friends have suggested. None of them have gone through a divorce so it is only suggestions:

1) Do everything she asks (start divorce paperwork, pay down joint credit cards and some other small items) and hope she will take me back. Do try to change for the better of myself and for her (eat healthier and go to the gym). There is a 6 months separation period before the divorce is finalized. By moving out she might miss me enough to reconsider. I did ask my wife if she is willing to take me back if I changed and she said she does not know but she does want me to show her changes. So there is somewhat some hope. 

2) Tell her I am not going to file the divorce paperwork and she needs to get her own attorney. Then refuse to do anything based on the grounds that I want this marriage to work out. Tell her she is being irrational. I need to grow some balls and be a stronger person and not let her walk all over me. Some girls like nice guys but also like their husband to be a man about things. Not sure how this will go......

3) Hold off on the divorce paperwork and meet a MC. This is what the attorney suggested. She said she will even tell my wife that we are required to do MC. I have read that MC only works if both parties want it to work. My wife has agreed on MC but she wants to go alone. In that case I guess MC will only provide therapy for her to get on with her life as a SINGLE person.

Again we are not fighting. She does not even appear sad. This weekend she was hardly home. She definitely want her alone time. I think she is nice to me because she knows I am not handling this all that great. It seems like she has already decided on the divorce and is very firm on her decision. She has already told her family and co-workers. I just don't what to do. I do not have any family members (only child and parents deceased) to talk to. I did call her mother to talk (against my wife's will) and that did not lead to anywhere other than they will pray for our situation. Her friends all tell her to do what her heart says. Nobody is giving neither one of us any real advise. 

Thanks!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Read up on Walk Away Wife syndrome. Sound like that is exactly what you are dealing with. I am too. My stbxw and I are in a textbook case of it, and you pretty much are as well.

I know this is not what you want to hear, but the outcome is almost certainly going to not be what you want right now. She has been gone from the marriage for a long time already, and will almost certainly not come back.

You do need to read up on WAW so you know what you are up against, and then you need to start working on yourself. Consider the 180 talked about frequently here, and don't forget that you have a whole community of support here that want to help you through this, and you are going to need help. Many of us have been through the same thing you are going through, and many of us are going through it right now.

Hang in there. It is going to be a very uncomfortably rough ride.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Why are you moving out if she is the one who wants the divorce? Just curious.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Only move out if *you* want to...the burden should be on her for that.

Sounds to me the children /no children issue is a huge deal breaker...I unfortunately think your odds of staying together are not good at this point. If at all possible I think you should talk it all through with her, either on your own or with a counsellor present. Ultimately though, you cant 'make' her do anything - you can only set about looking after yourself. Good luck.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Practice the following lines:

"I'm not ok with moving out, as I don't want separation"

"I'm not ok with paying for a divorce I don't want"

These lines will take you a long way.

Get your balls back.


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## socalguy (Jun 10, 2012)

I am moving out because I truly hate the 3+ hour commute. I am going to print out the Walk Away Wife syndrome and have her read about it. What else can I loose? She told me she does not want to talk about it but I think once I move out this weekend, she will never talk about it. I need to know that I have done everything possible to save this marriage. I think I am going to call the attorney and put everything on hold. The only thing is my wife will be furious if she finds out the final divorce does not happen in 6 months from June. Oh well. I am not the one that wants this divorce.

In Feb my wife told me she wants to work on having a baby in March. She began taking prenatal vitamins. Again nothing happened as every time I tried to be romantic, she was not in the "mood".


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

So she wants babies but is not interested in sex, have you told her this explicitly?

Are you sure there is no other man involved?


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## socalguy (Jun 10, 2012)

keko said:


> So she wants babies but is not interested in sex, have you told her this explicitly?
> 
> Are you sure there is no other man involved?


I really did not see this coming. Like I mentioned we had our 9th year anniversary less than a month before she wanted the divorce. She seemed fine, in fact she bought a nice gift for the both of us. We had two vacations planned in May and June. I was going to bring up a serious conversation about children. The first vacation was 10 days after she wanted the divorce. She did go one the first trip but refuse to go on the second one in June. Crazy how timing works.

As far as another person......I really do not think so. We have a joint cell phone and I just checked her min usage and it was very low. I know I am not suppose to check, but I was also very curious. One thing strange was after she announced she wanted a divorce, my wife said she prayed to God to give her a sign. She really wanted me to find someone else so the divorce would have been easier on her. I thought that was strange b/c I really love her and I would never do something like that.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

socalguy said:


> She really wanted me to find someone else so the divorce would have been easier on her.


This line is a bit concerning. In the infidelity section it is referred to as projection. Plus her wanting divorce but not doing it herself can also be seen as fence-sitting or cake eating.

Im not saying she is cheating but knowing the cause of the problem will be very helpful in finding the solution and fixing the marriage. Was she ever late from work or works on weekends? Does she keep her phone hidden or passworded? Have you looked through her emails, facebook or computer files? Anything out of the ordinary which would make you suspicious?


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

keko said:


> So she wants babies but is not interested in sex, have you told her this explicitly?
> 
> Are you sure there is no other man involved?


Not to pile on here -- but make sure she is not pregnant. Seems odd she wants out after asking to have a baby and then 2 months later wants a divorce.

I hope I am totally wrong here !!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

This is wierd, your wife is gone alot and you haven't said were, she was fine less then a month then bamb, she wants you to have some one else, and no sex. These are some red flags.

There may be a burner phone.

I think there is a progression here that has finaly ended up with her finding a replacement. She may not be in a fullblown affair, but something has triggered her current choices. 

I would bet that once you are gone she quickly finds a BF.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

the guy said:


> This is wierd, your wife is gone alot and you haven't said were, she was fine less then a month then bamb, she wants you to have some one else, and no sex. These are some red flags.
> 
> There may be a burner phone.
> 
> ...


I'm duplicating the above post so you'll read it again. I think it's dead on. You wife is behaving exactly like a person in an affair. Dead on to be exact, including how she's impatient to be free and is spending weekends out busy.

Find the OMand you'll find why she is suddenly wanting you gone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## socalguy (Jun 10, 2012)

Ok now everyone got me thinking........ I just checked her bank accts and personal emails. There is nothing abnormal. She does have more text usage than the previous month. She does use her cell phone for work. Again the minutes are really low. This last weekend, she went hiking all day with a girlfriend and went to another city to visit a friend and her newborn. She showed me pictures. I truly do not think she found someone else. BTW she is currently going through her monthly girly thing. So not prego.

I think she wants time to herself. I think she is suffering from the WAW syndrome. Her mother always told me she is bipolar. I am beginning to see some signs of that. She is not very close to her parents. She loves them but they annoy her quickly. Her mother has a similar personality. Its funny how her dad warned me about the mother-in-law and my wife's unique personalities. 

After work today she started to nag. Is this a positive or negative sign? I read somewhere when your wife still nags or complaints, then there maybe some hope. I am probably taking it the wrong way. I am just trying to find something positive.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Why do you even want to remain married to a woman who has stated numerous times that she wants to divorce you? Don't you see how needy and clingy you look in her eyes? Let her see that you have no fear of moving on without her. *Your confidence in your future* may cause her to question her thoughts and feelings about you and the marriage. Your choice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds to me like your marriage has been dead or dying for 2 years. 

Yet you say that your wife was ok until a a few weeks ago?

The both of you checked out a long time ago. Only now that she wants out are you waking up to the problems. Why did it take this to get you to pay attention to the problems in your marriage?

If you move out, the chances of reconciliation go way down.

If you do not want a divorce do not file for one. Let her be the one who does this. And just flat out tell her that you will not file.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

socalguy said:


> She does have more text usage than the previous month. She does use her cell phone for work.


Can you see the numbers texted and the actual message?

Which phone is she using? For some you can even recover deleted texts.


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## Mr. Poo Ferrigno (Jun 12, 2012)

Firstly, I really do empathize what you are going through and do realize that anything said here is almost certainly easier than walking in your shoes. That said...

Lot's of red flags around you. Trust me, what you absolutely, positively do not want to do is impregnate your wife! Just don't do it and you will be thanking your lucky stars that you thought with your head and not your heart on it. 

Secondly, you sound like a good guy who has gone to great length (3+ hour commute...wheeeew) to make your marriage work. I would really ready the WAW and as you do so, work on not taking this personally. People change, marriages change, agendas change....the only things we are guaranteed in this life is change and our eminent demise. I would strongly recommend that you just begin to work on you, for you, remembering and reminding yourself why you are a great guy and a great catch. Do not let your self-image or value get hinged on what happens here - people do what they do because they are who they are....period, and your wife has/is doing the same. She's checked out a while ago, and you are best served moving forward and being the best you you can be...because when you are least looking for it if at all, you will find that we can all be replaced...and SHE will walk into your life when it's the right time.

Stay strong...and move FORWARD.


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## socalguy (Jun 10, 2012)

Thanks for all the advice. Unfortunately I have to move out this weekend. This is a promise I made with her. I am also ready to pay down our joint debt. I assume if I do everything she asks for quickly, it might show her that I am changing. I have always been a procrastinator and that is why my marriage fell apart. I know I need to set goals and try my best to accomplish them. I truly thought everything was OK and from the what she was telling me (having children, buying a house together) led me to think everything was fine. We even had a wonderful 2 weeks vacation to Asia in March. I guess I was wrong. 

On Friday, there was a positive event. I was contacted by a career recruiter and was offered a huge signing bonus. The upfront bonus was enough for my wife to stop working and do what she really wants (raising children at home). Immediately I was very tempted to tell her but I am now going to wait and see how things goes after I move out. 

Yesterday I put a hold on the divorce attorney for one month. I did not tell her about the temporary hold. The reason for the hold is she agreed to see counseling separately. So I am on the holding pattern to see what happens. I am really leaning towards having her file the divorce herself. The divorce was one of the conditions she had for me to do. Again I feel that if I listen to everything she asks and do them quickly, she might reconsider b/c she notice I am not procrastinating as usual and giving her false promises. 

I thought about consulting Michele Weiner-Davis's Divorce Busting Coaches and do 3 sessions. The only thing is I am not sure if there is much value. It seems the sessions are just to coach you to be independent and move on. From moving on, the wife will notice the change and may like you better as a person. Now Michele offers a 2 day retreat in CO. I am willing to do that but I would not even know how to ask my wife to do it. She does have a brother in CO but it does not seems like it is an option.

Thanks for everything! This has been a great forum.


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## Mr. Poo Ferrigno (Jun 12, 2012)

SOG,

It is imperative that you do some REAL soul searching here. What are you really chasing here? Why are you so hell bent on having this work out? I know marriage is "supposed" to work and the idea of a failed marriage is something that never feels good (been there), but why do you "really" want this to work. In your heart of hearts, is this the person you want standing next to you when you leave this Earth?

You are relinquishing too much control here and too much acquiescence can easily be perceived as a sign of desperation and weakness. You can tactfully decline to do these things. You DO NOT HAVE TO move out this weekend...you DO NOT HAVE TO sign for divorce...you DO NOT HAVE TO....I am praying that you do not even think about signing over YOUR hard earned bonus (3+ hours commuting) so that she can live out "her dream"? Nothing will serve you better right now that realizing your rights as a married man and NOT letting anyone or anything compromise your understanding of those rights or your resolve in executing them.

Let HER sign for the divorce and ONLY move out if it serves YOU in the long run. You REALLY, REALLY, REALLY have to and need to start thinking about what is best for YOU moving forward, because believe you me, she is thinking about what is best for her.

Sometimes, it just is what it is, and when you fall down 7 times, just get up 7 times. In the end, remember, you're a good person who DESERVES TO BE HAPPY and that if you WANT to be OK, then YOU WILL BE OK. With regard to procrastination, just realize that putting an end to the habit will make YOUR life better and probably make YOU a better person...but make that change for you. When you begin realizing the very best you that you have the potential to be, all that you are supposed to have will find its way to you. 

It works. Stay strong....and stay up. Do not acquiesce. If you do not realize that you are a jewel and a prize to any woman lucky enough to have you, something to be treasured and fought for, why should she realize this or think this of you?


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## Mr. Poo Ferrigno (Jun 12, 2012)

Oh yeah...definitely check the phone. If she keeps it hidden, concealed, locked, or perpetually in sight, suspect a replacement.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

>>I assume if I do everything she asks for quickly, it might show her that I am changing.<<

SoCal,

Put down the crack pipe and step away from the keyboard.

You won't "nice" her out of this.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Conrad said:


> >>I assume if I do everything she asks for quickly, it might show her that I am changing.<<
> 
> SoCal,
> 
> ...


Agreed, Doormat tactics will just make you lose respect in the current situation. You have to understand that you both are viewing things completely differently.


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## Mr. Poo Ferrigno (Jun 12, 2012)

SoCal,

Please...listen to sage advice. Do not try to nice your way out of this one. She has either long since "checked out" of the idea of being married OR she will lose respect for what appears to be almost groveling at this point. You do not want to be married to a woman who does not respect your authority. Bad move.

I was where you were at one point. Marriage in crisis. Went into counseling with wife living out of town and seeing someone else. I would have done anything to make our marriage work...and DID do it. First question in marriage counseling - how motivated are you to work on your marriage - out of 10? I said 10/10, she said 2. I did ALOT of acquiescing and virtually all of the heavy lifting. Well, a year of bending over backward, promising, sacrificing, etc...I did get my marriage back. Guess what? Once that was settled, life brought about an entire new host of changes and challenges, and I had already set the precedent of my wife not having to respect me, not having to acknowledge the proper order in the husband/wife dichotomy, and a willingness to over acquiesce in situations where I should have put my foot either down or in another place that would have been more gratifying...you get my point. This proved nearly impossible to overcome once I allowed it to happen "trying to show her I could change..."

What I created was a bad foundation where the healthy marriage that I wanted was no longer possible. I found myself in a marriage, that, after having fought for for so long, was something I no longer wanted with her. Past all that now, but please, please, please...ask yourself these two very critical questions:

1) Are you considering all of this change for YOU or for her and the marriage? Be honest...with yourself.

2) Are you REALLY committed to the change you are talking about?

Obviously this change needs to be for you or it will not be authentic and long-term change will not happen (trust me). If you are really committed to change (see #2 above), then look her in the eye, and tell her what you are going to change and why (not for the marriage, but for you...and why). If she is not willing to stand by you once you've committed change TO YOURSELF AND FOR YOURSELF because YOU want to be the best man you can be, be she there or not, then she is not with you...and sadly, she is not a "wife" in the sense that you should be fighting for a life with her...

I do not know you, but I will say this. There is a WORLD full of beautiful women out there...and not that she needs to be replaced now or ever, that is up to you, but I will say it again - you will be OK if you WANT to be OK. You will be happy if you believe you deserve to be happy. 

Stay strong, stay encouraged...and stay up. Keep moving forward. Life is progress.


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## socalguy (Jun 10, 2012)

It has been a few days from my last post. Things have been good. Thanks to all the advice here, I have been focusing more from my mind and not my heart. My wife has been more distance lately. Each night, she has gone to the other room right after dinner claiming she is tired. That got me curious so I did a little more research. Since traffic is bad, I have been going to happy hour for 1 hour after work the past two days (no reason to come home early). Last night I came home and got a post-it saying "Went out, will be back late". The previous night, I notice she been trying on outfits and brought out her best shoes. I knew she had some birthday party to go to tonight (Fri) so I thought it was for that occasion. Comes to find out she went out with someone last night. I went to look at our joint cell phone log and she been texting this guy from the hike last weekend. That is probably why she was gone for such a long time (but I do believe she went hiking with a group). Anyways this changes everything. I guess you guys were right. I still do not think she was cheating one month ago but she probably found someone she was interested in. Since everything has changed I do have a couple of new questions. I am going to see the therapist today for the first session.

1) Is two weeks too early to start dating? Remember I was the one that was honoring everything she asked for, going beyond what one would do. Now since she cannot even wait till I move out in two days, I think everything WILL change. No more going out of my way.

2) How do I confront her? I have not talked to her and assume she will not tell me. So do I wait until I move out and see if this "dating" happens again, or do I tell her right away? My original plan was not contacting her until she contacts me but now I have something that bothers me.

She came back last night around 11:30pm and she is up today at 5:30am. I am sure this is on her mind.

Thanks again!


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

socalguy said:


> It has been a few days from my last post. Things have been good. Thanks to all the advice here, I have been focusing more from my mind and not my heart. My wife has been more distance lately. Each night, she has gone to the other room right after dinner claiming she is tired. That got me curious so I did a little more research. Since traffic is bad, I have been going to happy hour for 1 hour after work the past two days (no reason to come home early). Last night I came home and got a post-it saying "Went out, will be back late". The previous night, I notice she been trying on outfits and brought out her best shoes. I knew she had some birthday party to go to tonight (Fri) so I thought it was for that occasion. Comes to find out she went out with someone last night. I went to look at our joint cell phone log and she been texting this guy from the hike last weekend. That is probably why she was gone for such a long time (but I do believe she went hiking with a group). Anyways this changes everything. I guess you guys were right. I still do not think she was cheating one month ago but she probably found someone she was interested in. Since everything has changed I do have a couple of new questions. I am going to see the therapist today for the first session.
> 
> 1) Is two weeks too early to start dating? Remember I was the one that was honoring everything she asked for, going beyond what one would do. Now since she cannot even wait till I move out in two days, I think everything WILL change. No more going out of my way.
> 
> ...


I would go totally dark. What good would it do you to confront her if she is with OM. At this moment she doesn't love you -- or want to be married to you. Take care of yourself, eat, exercise, do things with friends -- do things you want. You are moving out in two days --- move out and don't text or call her. Let her miss you -- if she does trust me she will call if for no other reason then to control you and play with your emotions. She will check to see if you are still interested -- as her plan B.

As far as dating -- WOW --- you guys both appear to have just forgotten about the last 9 years. R U ready for dating -- or are you dating because you think this willl make your wife jealous.

The last thing --- she wants the divorce --- let her do all the work. One thing you have on your side if you want your wife back is time --- let her file. She doesn't want to be appear to be the bad "guy" that is why she wants you to file.

Good luck --- be safe moving this week end.


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## Mr. Poo Ferrigno (Jun 12, 2012)

SCG, 

I'm hopeful that the message finds you well.

I won't add much to the previous response as there is good advice there. Firstly, as aforementioned, do the things that you need to do to stay on your axis - eat well, exercise, sleep as best you can, make time for friends and loved ones (your support structure), and the other things that you enjoy and give YOUR life a sense of roundness and completion. Do not, do not, do not beat yourself up trying to figure out all that has happened here right now, and I think it would suit you to try to simplify this as best as you can: People do what they do because they are who they are...people change...she is no longer interested in the relationship and you both see/value it differently, and given where she is, the relationship that you had with her is no longer what is best for YOU. I am certain of this.

As hard as it is, sometimes things are best held onto with an open hand. Let her do her thing. Perhaps she's lost perspective of/value for you and her relationship with you and this is what she needs to do to put things back into perspective, whatever that means. As it was said, I would move out WHEN IT IS MOST CONVENIENT FOR YOU, continue to take care of and focus on you, not lift a FINGER to do ANYTHING related to the impending divorce (trust me, it will be the best thing you ever did when this is in your rear view mirror), and do not help out with ANY bills at that place when you do go! 

I'd even tell her that you are aware that she is seeing someone else and that if she feels that this is best for her, then so be it and you are happy for her. If she does decide to do pursue another relationship, politely tell her to have the human decency and respect however to complete the divorce beforehand. Should be interesting to see what happens then. 

Trust me, this thing she is pursuing while still married and obviously on the rebound is cheap and will burn down soon enough. The guy entertaining this thing cannot replace you either...and he won't. No quality guy takes a woman in her position seriously.

Continue to stand your ground, think about what is next for you in terms of you continuing your own personal journey ontoward being the best YOU possible. Do not do anything that acquiesces to her anymore (she does not deserve it), and stop bending to accommodate her. It is one thing to lose it for you, but the hiding, excuses, and seeing someone while still married is just disrespectful. You cannot trust this woman and she no longer DESERVES your trust.

Let this woman go and let her do her thing. Focus on YOU...if it's meant to be, it will happen later. You may find that you've found much, much better and that you are no longer interested.

Best wishes fellow...people have done this before and ended just fine.


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## socalguy (Jun 10, 2012)

Mr. Poo Ferrigno said:


> SCG,
> 
> I'm hopeful that the message finds you well.
> 
> ...


Mr PF. 

You have been wonderful and your replies has been very encouraging. I really think someone has sent you to help me since you have only responded to my posts. Thank you so much for everything. I will stay strong as there are so many other beautiful females out there that will truly care about me. In the meantime, I will confront her about this "date". It will be a cordial conversation but I will stress the point that we are still marriage and we should respect our vows. The full divorce is only 6 months and time flies fast. Why is it not possible to wait?


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

socalguy said:


> Mr PF.
> 
> You have been wonderful and your replies has been very encouraging. I really think someone has sent you to help me since you have only responded to my posts. Thank you so much for everything. I will stay strong as there are so many other beautiful females out there that will truly care about me. In the meantime, I will confront her about this "date". It will be a cordial conversation but I will stress the point that we are still marriage and we should respect our vows. The full divorce is only 6 months and time flies fast. Why is it not possible to wait?


Dude, listen to me, I've been through this. I've made the mistakes you are making. You have to brush her aside like a mosquito! Repeatedly. Push her away, reject her. Make it clear you want nothing to do with her. Don't be mean, just make it clear you are moving on. Do NOTHING for her. Let her have her boyfriend. Date. Don't "confront her" Give her AS LITTLE OF YOUR TIME and ATTENTION AS POSSIBLE. The person she has become is not worth it. This hit you like a truck out of the darkness right? She should have been more open with her feelings. When she shows signs of realizing her mistake... then you have the power back. This is your best chance. Then its still not easy to win her round but you'll be in a MUCH better place. This is your BEST CHANCE. Read Chase Amante's low value/low availability page. You HAVE TO DO THAT. Right now you have REALLY LOW VALUE to her. You have to make yourself REALLY UNAVAILABLE.

>I assume if I do everything she asks for quickly, it might show her that I am changing.

Hell no. It will show her you are a WUSS and KILL ATTRACTION. You have to change your MO IMMEDIATELY to have at best a LONG SHOT at saving this. Be cold and unfriendly, not mean or abusive. If you carry on the way you are, you have next to NO CHANCE.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I've been there too and doing the 180 is perfect in this case. Donot show your hand and stay dark, showing your cards now will only lead to more munipulation from your wife.

The sooner you let her go the sooner she will see that the grass is not always greener on the other side and hopefully she starts to chase you. Right now she has your number and knows you will always be her fall back guy. So eliminate this option for her and distance your self.

If your going to make changes, make them for your self not for her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your moving out to give her space plays into her plan to date. Once you are out she will have her affair partner over to your house... where she now lives alone. She knows that you are a nice guy.. so she go you to moveout. She's already in her next relationship. 

The way to end an affair is to make it hard to continue.

If you want to try to recover your marriage, moving is a mistake.

If you want to just let her move on and divorce.. well that's the path you are on now. I suggest that once you move out just treat her according to the 180... there's a link to it in my signature block.


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## socalguy (Jun 10, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Your moving out to give her space plays into her plan to date. Once you are out she will have her affair partner over to your house... where she now lives alone. She knows that you are a nice guy.. so she go you to moveout. She's already in her next relationship.
> 
> The way to end an affair is to make it hard to continue.
> 
> ...


I have no doubt that this guy is coming over. In fact I am suppose to leave by 11:00 am. She is then going to clean the house and I am sure this guy will be over tonight. She has already bought new sheets and new blinds. I confronted her yesterday about meeting someone within 3 weeks of separation but she just said she is going out with friends and co-workers. I told her that any guy who is ready to promise the world to someone that just separated is not looking for something serious. She will be heartbroken. She said she is a big girl and knows how to take care of herself. Being the last night, it was real hard sleeping on the couch.

Earlier this week I did mention that I was not ready to move out and I wanted to stay. She got upset and said that I always promise something and never fulfill them. She then proceeded to say that she will just move out this weekend and I can stay at our place alone. I cannot afford this place on my own salary and it would be silly to drive the 3+ hour commute each day.

I was really choked up this morning as I was loading the car. I need to stay focused and strong. 180 here I come!


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

socalguy said:


> I have no doubt that this guy is coming over. In fact I am suppose to leave by 11:00 am. She is then going to clean the house and I am sure this guy will be over tonight. She has already bought new sheets and new blinds. I confronted her yesterday about meeting someone within 3 weeks of separation but she just said she is going out with friends and co-workers. I told her that any guy who is ready to promise the world to someone that just separated is not looking for something serious. She will be heartbroken. She said she is a big girl and knows how to take care of herself. Being the last night, it was real hard sleeping on the couch.
> 
> Earlier this week I did mention that I was not ready to move out and I wanted to stay. She got upset and said that I always promise something and never fulfill them. She then proceeded to say that she will just move out this weekend and I can stay at our place alone. I cannot afford this place on my own salary and it would be silly to drive the 3+ hour commute each day.
> 
> I was really choked up this morning as I was loading the car. I need to stay focused and strong. 180 here I come!


>>I confronted her yesterday about meeting someone within 3 weeks of separation but she just said she is going out with friends and co-workers.

Clingy. Jealous. Kills attraction. Imagine if a woman you didn't like came to you and bugged you about who you were seeing. It would be like "bleh. go away." That's how you're making her feel. You're making her skin crawl.

>>I told her that any guy who is ready to promise the world to someone that just separated is not looking for something serious. She will be heartbroken.

Trying to rationalize/convince. I did this myself too. She's not in a rational mindset. She doesn't want to argue the pros and cons of being with you vs. anyone else. She wants to feel sexual and/or loved and NOT WITH YOU right now. Again, attempts to rationalize with her about this are making her feel "bleh, go away".

>>She said she is a big girl and knows how to take care of herself.

That's her way of saying "bleh, go away"

>>Earlier this week I did mention that I was not ready to move out and I wanted to stay. She got upset and said that I always promise something and never fulfill them.

You did good to ignore her protests/pleas. Do what YOU want, whether that's stay or go. Decide what's best for YOU, without regard to her.

>>She then proceeded to say that she will just move out this weekend and I can stay at our place alone. 

Trying to force what she wants. Do nothing to appease her. Get what you want regardless of how you think it will affect her perception of you.

>>I cannot afford this place on my own salary and it would be silly to drive the 3+ hour commute each day. I was really choked up this morning as I was loading the car. I need to stay focused and strong. 180 here I come!

She won this round. Try real hard in future not to say you want things that you're not confident in being able to achieve (like staying). It weakens you. Do the 180 like - YESTERDAY - already. I think you're chance of winning this woman back are very slim at best. I feel your pain. I've been there. Focus on yourself. Meet new women. Do everything you can to get variety and interest in your life.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

When you get a chance tell her family and close friends that she started dating before you even left the house. This will put pressure on her to bring back some reality of what she's about to lose, if not already. As for the hiking friends dont bother telling anyone of them, as they were the one's that hooked her up with that man to begin with. 

One question, lets say after few weeks/months she wants you back, will you give her another chance knowing she's been with another man?


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## socalguy (Jun 10, 2012)

keko said:


> When you get a chance tell her family and close friends that she started dating before you even left the house. This will put pressure on her to bring back some reality of what she's about to lose, if not already. As for the hiking friends dont bother telling anyone of them, as they were the one's that hooked her up with that man to begin with.
> 
> One question, lets say after few weeks/months she wants you back, will you give her another chance knowing she's been with another man?


Funny that you suggest that. In July, I am actually going to the state and city where her parents live. I am going there for my friend's birthday party but I am also playing golf with her cousin's husband. I did ask him if meeting would be strange but he said that we will not even discuss about the situation. He said that all the drama is between the girls and he wants nothing to do with it. He did tell me that she has been telling her family/friends that she is trying to work this out. Who knows what she is saying and I dont really care (at least for now  ). I am sure she is trying to blame everyting on me as she already told them I do not want children. As for her parents, I really thought about stopping by their business and talk to them. I wanted to tell them how much she has changed. I really dont think it will help and they will tell her I stopped by (which she told me not to do). That move is still up in the air.

At this point.....as the days go by, I am still sad. However, the sadness is being replaced with happy things. I told my co-worker today that one day (within one/two months from now) I will just loose all respect for her. When that time comes and she wants me back, it will not happen. There are just so many things she has done that is totally unacceptable. At least from my point of view.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

socalguy said:


> I wanted to tell them how much she has changed. I really dont think it will help and they will tell her I stopped by (which she told me not to do). That move is still up in the air.


I wonder why she doesn't want to have a chat with them.... if they are an important part of her life I'd say go for it right away.


When/if you do talk with them, make the conversation purely on facts/what you know and not to show it done out of spite.


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## Mark Henry (Jun 20, 2012)

*consent orders*

I have read what you have written and really its a bit confusing one as she likes you and you both live happily then where is the problem.I suggest you to talk once more and try to figure what she want actually so that you can make her happy.

consent orders


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## socalguy (Jun 10, 2012)

Mark Henry said:


> I have read what you have written and really its a bit confusing one as she likes you and you both live happily then where is the problem.I suggest you to talk once more and try to figure what she want actually so that you can make her happy.
> 
> consent orders


Here is my theory. On Mothers day, my wife hit a wall and had enough of me and our situation. She must have been feeling down and depressed for sometime (maybe even years). She wanted a divorce and this time nothing will stop her. My therapist said the reason why she wanted children could be so she would focus on the child and not notice me. For the next couple weeks she did hang out ONLY with her co workers. From that network, she must have met this guy that she was attracted to. In fact I would not be surprised if they set her up. Now she has found this guy that is nice and she is reminded that she can still be attractive and loved (my wife is a very attractive female). I have located him on social media and he is successful but very average looking. Crazy thing is he is 3 years younger at 30 yo. Now her issue is that I still live together. She now needs me to leave, so she ignores me everyday. She knows that the commute is bad so I will eventually move out. On Fathers day when I moved out, I did not even get a bye from her. Two days have passed and no communication from her. Finally she texted today and wanted to know the password for the Internet router. I texted back but no thank you or even a reply from her. What happened to wanting to stay friends?

So there are two ways where I think this will end up. 1) She will find the love of her life and marry this guy 2) This guy will get what he wanted from her and break the relationship. He is 30 while she is 33. Then she may come back and say the whole thing was a mistake. I am not very hopeful but I am VERY sad and depressed because I tried to give her everything including all my love. There are several responds on this tread stating I should stop being nice. Nice will lead nowhere and show my weekness. I guess I still have not learned my lesson. It is just very difficult.

Btw everytime I am down and depressed, I read this whole thread. I feel much better when I re read the comments. Now so many of the assumptions became true. You guys have been great!

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Doormats don't get the girl.


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## socalguy (Jun 10, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Doormats don't get the girl.


So this is where I am confused. I handeled all the day to day ops in the house. I know where everything is around the house. Now after I texted the password to her, I realized it is most likely for this guy so he can log on the internet. What a dummy I am. Anyways by going completely dark, does that mean absolutely no communication? Even if she asks how things are going? When will I open that communication?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

socalguy said:


> Here is my theory. On Mothers day, my wife hit a wall and had enough of me and our situation. She must have been feeling down and depressed for sometime (maybe even years). She wanted a divorce and this time nothing will stop her. My therapist said the reason why she wanted children could be so she would focus on the child and not notice me. For the next couple weeks she did hang out ONLY with her co workers. From that network, she must have met this guy that she was attracted to. In fact I would not be surprised if they set her up. Now she has found this guy that is nice and she is reminded that she can still be attractive and loved (my wife is a very attractive female). I have located him on social media and he is successful but very average looking. Crazy thing is he is 3 years younger at 30 yo. Now her issue is that I still live together. She now needs me to leave, so she ignores me everyday. She knows that the commute is bad so I will eventually move out. On Fathers day when I moved out, I did not even get a bye from her. Two days have passed and no communication from her. Finally she texted today and wanted to know the password for the Internet router. I texted back but no thank you or even a reply from her. What happened to wanting to stay friends?
> 
> So there are two ways where I think this will end up. 1) She will find the love of her life and marry this guy 2) This guy will get what he wanted from her and break the relationship. He is 30 while she is 33. Then she may come back and say the whole thing was a mistake. I am not very hopeful but I am VERY sad and depressed because I tried to give her everything including all my love. There are several responds on this tread stating I should stop being nice. Nice will lead nowhere and show my weekness. I guess I still have not learned my lesson. It is just very difficult.
> 
> ...


Now with the praise of her coworkers and toxic friends she really thinks the grass is greener on the other side, for her to give up 9 years of marriage. Relationships which start as extramarital have a very low percentage of success, only 3% last 3 years. So sooner then you think she'll be used then dumped like trash, and be running back to you. Get the divorce started ASAP, you can have her served while she's at work(in front of others) by the sheriff or a server. This will be a nice blow to her fantasy for starters. 

Can you access your old router offsite? You might want to change the password or at least block a few IPs connected to it.





socalguy said:


> So this is where I am confused. I handeled all the day to day ops in the house. I know where everything is around the house. Now after I texted the password to her, I realized it is most likely for this guy so he can log on the internet. What a dummy I am. Anyways by going completely dark, does that mean absolutely no communication? Even if she asks how things are going? When will I open that communication?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Going dark is not calling/texting and not answering when she contacts you. You don't have a child together so she has no real reason to call you on emergencies. If you are sharing any assets then those will be worked out via attorney, again if its very important she'll call your family/friends to get in touch with you so do not answer her calls.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

socalguy said:


> There are several responds on this tread stating I should stop being nice. Nice will lead nowhere and show my weekness. I guess I still have not learned my lesson. It is just very difficult.


It IS very difficult. But you have two choices 1) DO IT. or 2) LOSE HER FOREVER. Which are you going to choose, my friend?


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

socalguy said:


> So this is where I am confused. I handeled all the day to day ops in the house. I know where everything is around the house. Now after I texted the password to her, I realized it is most likely for this guy so he can log on the internet. What a dummy I am. Anyways by going completely dark, does that mean absolutely no communication? Even if she asks how things are going? When will I open that communication?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


GIVE HER NOTHING. No money, absolute minimum time and attention (SHOW you're MOVING ON even if you're not), definitely NO passwords. You have to make her life DIFFICULT, she will have NO RESPECT for you if you don't. This is VERY IMPORTANT. You cannot win a girl over if she has no respect for you.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

GetTough said:


> GIVE HER NOTHING. No money, absolute minimum time and attention (SHOW you're MOVING ON even if you're not), definitely NO passwords. You have to make her life DIFFICULT, she will have NO RESPECT for you if you don't. This is VERY IMPORTANT. You cannot win a girl over if she has no respect for you.


Think of it this way.

You are not making her life difficult. She is.

You are simply letting her miss you by NOT providing that which you always did.

If you provide money, you are paying her to leave you. If you provide passwords, you are enabling OM and her to gaze at porn and further their romance. Get the idea?

Let her manage her life - WITHOUT YOU.

Respect yourself, or she never will.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

socalguy said:


> Anyways by going completely dark, does that mean absolutely no communication? Even if she asks how things are going? When will I open that communication?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You DON'T open communication. Show you're moving on, even if you're not. SHE opens communication. Do not respond warmly. Give her the cold shoulder. DO NOT HELP HER IN ANY WAY. In your situation, that loses respect, it's supplicative and it KILLS ATTRACTION. You have to act like you want nothing more to do with her. Try to get your mindset into a state where you really do want nothing more to do with her, at least temporarily. That is your best chance. If she asks how things are going by text or VM, IGNORE HER. If she asks how things are going in person, say "What's it to you?", turn around and WALK AWAY. Seriously.

Read Pick-up/Seduction Theory. When women go through this abivalence, these are all MAJOR SH1T TESTS. She's testing your strength. You have to find it or lose her.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Think of it this way.
> 
> You are not making her life difficult. She is.
> 
> ...


I think that's a great way of looking at it. She's making her own life difficult because you're not providing any of the things she's come to take for granted, and you have no obligation to continue to do so.


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## socalguy (Jun 10, 2012)

So I get a text from a friend today. My wife has been telling everyone that she is now separated but seeing someone new. Sad day  This divorce is much easier said than done. Is this classified as infidelity? My wife is Catholic and divorce is a no no and I am sure seeing someone new after two week of separation is a BIG no no. We are not even divorced. Anyways I guess she is not religious anymore. People change 

Lets take a poll....should I confront her parents when I go to their city/state next month? She told me not to talk to her parents. I feel like I am closer to them than she is. I really need to clear my name. They think the reason for the separation is because I don't want to have children (which is completely false).


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

socalguy said:


> So I get a text from a friend today. My wife has been telling everyone that she is now separated but seeing someone new. Sad day  This divorce is much easier said than done. Is this classified as infidelity? My wife is Catholic and divorce is a no no and I am sure seeing someone new after two week of separation is a BIG no no. We are not even divorced. Anyways I guess she is not religious anymore. People change
> 
> Lets take a poll....should I confront her parents when I go to their city/state next month? She told me not to talk to her parents. I feel like I am closer to them than she is. I really need to clear my name. They think the reason for the separation is because I don't want to have children (which is completely false).


She could be just using him to push you away. You have to heed this sign. You don't need to clear your name. A strong man cares little what people think of him. Take the attitude that you have nothing to prove to anyone. Once you've outed any affair, usually the less you say to her family/friends, the better. I know you're heartbroken but your best option is to really try to reject her and focus on yourself. Your own improvement, strengthening daily.


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## Mr. Poo Ferrigno (Jun 12, 2012)

SCG,

Dude, PLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEAAAAAASSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEE do not go to her parents or ANYONE. She did something pretty foul, and she is a foul person. It is what it is, and you need to just start thinking about getting this chick out of your life and doing better. There is much better out there than what you are chasing right now. YOU CAN DO THIS! She does not respect you and deserves nothing from you....NOTHING!

I don't think what GETTOUGH said could be stated any more succinctly or accurately. As I mentioned, any sign of acquiescence will translate into weakness to her, and you just have to realize and accept that right now, she just isn't "feeling you". 

I'd play things exactly as GT said but keep in mind that this is NOT a surefire recipe for success...and it shouldn't be. I am more inclined to think that this is a woman that has shown her true colors who is not worthy of being respected, not worthy of your acquiescence, and not worth of the very best you can be and give. I do realize it's easier for me to say what I am saying, but as a MAN WHO HAS BEEN WHERE YOU ARE, I am certain that you are making mistakes playing this anyway aside from that GT has said. 

Additionally, I would NOT move out. I would be totally cordial, make it CLEAR that you do not care about her dating, live my life, take all the space I needed, and would be working quickly to make the steps forward that I needed to be making for me...but she would not be able to read me or anything about me. 

Just follow GT's advice, it is good stuff and it will work. Not get her back, you dont want that...but it will work.

Stay strong.


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## Mr. Poo Ferrigno (Jun 12, 2012)

Wow....that move with the password was all the confirmation that her respect for you as a man is less than zero. Do not respect her any more as a woman for what she has done.

Seriously, if the internet is in your name, change the password or get it disconnected. Do not do ANYTHING for her!!! NOTHING...you must understand that every nice act only makes her respect you less.

Honestly, what does this woman have, do to or for you, or bring to your life that is worth all this effort? What about her is not replaceable/upgradable?

I want to read your thoughts on this...

PS....man I wish either myself or Get Tough were in your shoes. I'd have this woman dancing a dance like nobody's business and laughing my a$$ off as she did...


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## socalguy (Jun 10, 2012)

Mr. Poo Ferrigno said:


> Wow....that move with the password was all the confirmation that her respect for you as a man is less than zero. Do not respect her any more as a woman for what she has done.
> 
> Seriously, if the internet is in your name, change the password or get it disconnected. Do not do ANYTHING for her!!! NOTHING...you must understand that every nice act only makes her respect you less.
> 
> ...


Ok I am sitting in the hotel room in Mexico unable to sleep. We were suppose to come here and enjoy a long weekend and possibly try to have children on this trip. Now I am laying in bed alone typing this message.

I don't know what I see in her......she is very attractive and she comes from a good family. She was a very good girl and had good values. I know people change. For me, I do not like changes (divorce) and I truly invested a lot of time and effort in this marriage. Right now I am not ready to meet other females. I will honor my vow and wait till after the divorce is settle before I start dating again. That is my commitment towards this marriage and I am somewhat old fashion. Again one day I will snap out of this and I will be ready to move on 100%. I am only at 50-60% now. As the days goes by, I will increase that percentage. It is only the matter of time. 

I have told my co-workers/friends that I was still committed to pay half of next months rent (even though I don't live there anymore). That was part of the agreement when I moved out. They have all threatened to kick my butt if I do. I am sure everyone here would do the same  It will not happen. I am 100% certain about that. Maybe her OM can pay for it. I am thinking if I make her finances a nightmare, the OM will have enough of her and kick her to the curb. Who wants someone that has no money and a lot of debt? Right now I really don't care. Tonight I actually left my phone on the plane to Mexico so I guess no communication for right now. It is amazing they "cannot" find the phone. I am sure someone at the airport just got a new mobile phone.

BTW What dance would you have her dance? I would love to be able to do that to her.


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## socalguy (Jun 10, 2012)

Have a quick question. When I don't pay for the next month rent, obviously she will be pissed. She will probably be forced to move soon. I still have some stuff at the apt that is from my mother which passed away 6 years ago. Will I be able to get these items even if she refuses me to enter the apt? I assume the courts have some say in this matter.


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## socalguy (Jun 10, 2012)

Sorry for another post. Again I cannot sleep and I think best at night. How about this game plan?

Since she has moved on with someone else and I am no longer going to be nice. Why don't I make this divorce interesting for her.

I will not file the divorce and wont tell her I have put everything on hold. I will have my attorney be prepared when she does file. I will not pay for half the rent nor pay for the fancy car loan that she took. That is about $2300 per month that I can save. I will turn off all utilities in my name without telling her. I will ask for half in her brokerage acct that was funded by my paycheck. I will ask for alimony. Her paycheck is greater than mine as I am 100% commission. I will ask for half on everything she has already sold. Right now when I looked into her bank acct, she is buying all these gifts for the OM. I never received anything in a long time. In fact since I am paying for the rent and the car loan, I am actually contributing to his gifts. What BS!

What do you think about this game plan? I don't think it is too harsh because I am not the one that found someone 2 weeks after the request for a divorce. I have proof and can get more proof.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

socalguy said:


> Sorry for another post. Again I cannot sleep and I think best at night. How about this game plan?
> 
> Since she has moved on with someone else and I am no longer going to be nice. Why don't I make this divorce interesting for her.
> 
> ...


If your attorney says it's a go, it makes perfect sense.

Do not let her cake eat.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

First of all enjoy your vacation. Sorry to hear about your phone but they can be replaced, but the moment you have right now can't so play it smart if you want a little payback.

*DO NOT* pay for a single thing until a court orders you to do so. So no rent, car payment, utilities, nothing.

You mentioned you have some items in the house that belong to you, do you still have a key to the house? Take off a day from work, bring a friend with a pickup and take all of you stuff. In fact since there is no divorce agreement on who can take what, you can take anything you want. Dont forget to take all of the important documents(financial/health/etc.) back with you.

Right then and there cancel all of the utilities that are in your name.

Just before leaving did you flush the toilet? Took all the beer in the fridge?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

socalguy said:


> Lets take a poll....should I confront her parents when I go to their city/state next month? She told me not to talk to her parents. I feel like I am closer to them than she is. I really need to clear my name. They think the reason for the separation is because I don't want to have children (which is completely false).


At some point you're going to have to talk to them regarding why you're divorcing their daughter. Since she is already seeing another man I wouldn't delay it one bit and talk to them right away.


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## Mr. Poo Ferrigno (Jun 12, 2012)

SCG,

I have read your latest musings and as you had crossed my mind today (wishing you good thoughts and a more tolerable day), they were refreshing to read. With regard to what you said about making things "interesting for her", I only have this to say:

DO NOT GO BACK ON YOUR WORD - STICK TO EVERYTHING YOU SAID. As Get Tough suggested, when she does contact you, it will more than likely not be to see how you are doing, but why you aren't paying the bills (so OM can sleep over for free), keep the lights (so her and OM can do it with them on), and making her life easier (so she can splurge on OM)....not trying to be insensitive, but it is what it is. When she doesn't contact you with the profanities and etc...you will see what she is all about and what she truly sees in/feels for you. You can do EVERYTHING that you mentioned and be very politely in the process. I would keep the contact to the minimum and make it clear that you are moving on that the she will no longer have a shred of your emotional energy and attention. Brush this chick off like the mosquito that she is showing herself to be.

I digress - getting this woman pregnant would have been the WORST thing that could have happened to you! You are LUCKY to be in Mexico alone.

No issue with you not being ready to date yet. This is fine and this is perfectly normal. No big deal. Priority #1 - get you back on your axis, get your life back on track, and get this woman OUT of your system. Completely. This will get easier as it becomes smaller and smaller in your rear view mirror. Just do not lie to yourself about who or what she is anymore.

As you went on about who she WAS and why you are were so adamant about making things work, it is clear to me that you are trying to work this out partially to avoid feelings of failure and the subsequent notion that YOU will have done something wrong if your marriage fails. Listen to me, perhaps you could have done things differently as a husband - we all could have, but you DID NOT fail your marriage and you will not have failed it by walking away as you need to. SHE failed your marriage by not doing everything that could have or should have been done to make it works before it become obvious that that was not a possibility. Don't want to get too wordy, but she is no longer the woman you married, accept that. She does not deserve the effort that you are willing to put into making a marriage work, accept that. You will not have failed by letting this thing go - you will have done the best thing in what will be your new life, your better life. Lastly, WHEN the woman you are supposed to be with comes along, you will have upgraded significantly. Just focus on being a better man and human and that day WILL COME!

I'd be remiss not to encourage you to follow KEKO's input - it was gold.

Hang in...stay strong....one day at a time - and time to stop playing Mr. Nice Guy.


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## socalguy (Jun 10, 2012)

Mr PF, so have you changed your mind about seeing her parents. I do have things at their house that I need to take out. BTW the Mexico trip was planned and purchased 3 days before she exploded. When I planned it, I thought we were still trying to have children. Thanks


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## Mr. Poo Ferrigno (Jun 12, 2012)

I am saying that sometimes things happen for a reason, and I challenge you to think about what if she were carrying your child while all of this was happening. She LEGALLY gets to keep her hand in your pocket then for a very long time. Sorry you must be in Mexico alone on a trip planned for lovers, that cannot be easy, but there is a silver lining here, and you've avoided what would have been a terrible situation.

I would tell her parents...tell them that she is cheating on you with another man and that you simply plan to leave the relationship because she has knowingly violated the terms of your marriage and despite knowing better, she continues to do so....and has been dishonest about it. I would NOT vent my anger to her parents. Be as classy as you can when you talk to them. I would do this soon. 

Go over with a friend and get ALL of your sh-t. Take everything that you paid for!!! Take any pics of the two of you and destroy them. Any service you have coming to the house in your name, discontinue them immediately. Lastly, do not lift a FINGER to initiate this divorce and DO NOT CONTRIBUTE TO THE RENT. Forget what you "committed to"...she threw staying faithful to commitments out of the window. Let her do the heavy lifting. You HAVE to let her know that he is replaceable - because she IS!

Better days are ahead for you. In time, this will all make sense to you and you will be glad this happened when it did. You will be a better, stronger, and wiser man as well.

To better days to come in time - CHEERS!


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## socalguy (Jun 10, 2012)

Just went to my second IC today and I did not have much to say. I now know what I need to do and will focus on those goals. The therapist did say I have a great support group. A big THANK YOU to everyone here! I am truly feeling better but not 100%. To my surprise I am now the marriage expert among my friends that have marriage issues. I am shock that so many couples have the same issue (lack of communication). The good news is they are at the early stages and I urge them to start communicating with each other and not just giving hints. Be open and discuss what is hurting. The last thing they want is have a bomb thrown at them. My wife is seeing the same therapist soon. This should be interesting as she will voice her side of the story. By reading other posts on this forum, I think I already have a general idea of what she will say. Rent is coming up and she will be getting a big surprise when my 1/2 is not there. We shall see what happens. To be continued........


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

"I'm not ok with paying for places where I don't live"


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Did she approach you about the rent yet?


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## socalguy (Jun 10, 2012)

keko said:


> Did she approach you about the rent yet?


Yes, she sent a text on Fri asking for the rent check. I responded by telling her I will discuss about the rent. She called yesterday and I sent a text back saying I was at a party and did not want to talk to her at the moment. She will probably call today and I am basically going to say that I agreed on helping pay for the rent to get her started financially. Now since she moved on and found someone else, I am not going to pay 1/2 of rent. We shall see what happens.

BTW my therapist told me not to go out of my way to communicate with her but if she does ask for a simple question, just give her a quick answer. The therapist said that hate or anger will never solve anything.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

socalguy said:


> Yes, she sent a text on Fri asking for the rent check. I responded by telling her I will discuss about the rent. She called yesterday and I sent a text back saying I was at a party and did not want to talk to her at the moment. She will probably call today and I am basically going to say that I agreed on helping pay for the rent to get her started financially. Now since she moved on and found someone else, I am not going to pay 1/2 of rent. We shall see what happens.
> 
> BTW my therapist told me not to go out of my way to communicate with her but if she does ask for a simple question, just give her a quick answer. The therapist said that hate or anger will never solve anything.


Good therapist you have there. 

One suggestion I'll make is don't tell her anything about the new guy, just say you don't have enough or spent it on your new place, etc.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

socalguy said:


> Yes, she sent a text on Fri asking for the rent check. I responded by telling her I will discuss about the rent. She called yesterday and I sent a text back saying I was at a party and did not want to talk to her at the moment. She will probably call today and I am basically going to say that I agreed on helping pay for the rent to get her started financially. Now since she moved on and found someone else, I am not going to pay 1/2 of rent. We shall see what happens.
> 
> BTW my therapist told me not to go out of my way to communicate with her but if she does ask for a simple question, just give her a quick answer. The therapist said that hate or anger will never solve anything.


Yeah, sounds like you're on the right track. It's great your not paying the rent for her. You don't have to justify this to yourself or her. She's divorcing you, the only thing she's entitled to is what she has in writing, and don't sign anything without a lawyers approval obviously. What people say or promise under emotional stress/duress is not binding. Effectively any promises of help from you were coerced by her holding the relationship to ransom. You are not bound by them and I do not consider it any dishonor for you to ignore them in view of the greater good you've now hopefully realized, which is that you're no longer going to try to buy her back.

I think your therapist is broadly correct. However you are under no obligation to respond to any of her questions. She is likely to ask a lot of questions to which there ARE no good answers. Most sensibly you should ignore those, and other communications from her too if you want to send a strong signal that you deserve better than her.


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## socalguy (Jun 10, 2012)

So an update.........so she did call while I was in the middle of playing golf. After my round, I called her and DID listen to the advise. I told her that things have been financially difficult and I cannot afford to pay my share of the rent. At first she was somewhat upset and said the "you promise things but never honor them" line. I just did not respond to her comment and stayed very calm. I then changed the subject and had a nice 20 min chat with her. On the 4th, she is coming down here to see her cousins. They live close by to my new place. Prior to going to their house, she offered to meet me and talk some more. Of course I agreed but I have to remember not to act like a desperate, clingy person. I know she is with this other guy but she does not know I know.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

socalguy said:


> So an update.........so she did call while I was in the middle of playing golf. After my round, I called her and DID listen to the advise. I told her that things have been financially difficult and I cannot afford to pay my share of the rent. At first she was somewhat upset and said the "you promise things but never honor them" line. I just did not respond to her comment and stayed very calm. I then changed the subject and had a nice 20 min chat with her. On the 4th, she is coming down here to see her cousins. They live close by to my new place. Prior to going to their house, she offered to meet me and talk some more. Of course I agreed but I have to remember not to act like a desperate, clingy person. I know she is with this other guy but she does not know I know.


Once again, "you'll be extremely busy on the 4th and will not be able to see her, some things came up the last minute."

If it was important she would have been on your doorstep right now, most likely it is some bs lame story she'll be throwing at you.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

socalguy said:


> So an update.........so she did call while I was in the middle of playing golf. After my round, I called her and DID listen to the advise. I told her that things have been financially difficult and I cannot afford to pay my share of the rent. At first she was somewhat upset and said the "you promise things but never honor them" line. I just did not respond to her comment and stayed very calm. I then changed the subject and had a nice 20 min chat with her. On the 4th, she is coming down here to see her cousins. They live close by to my new place. Prior to going to their house, she offered to meet me and talk some more. Of course I agreed but I have to remember not to act like a desperate, clingy person. I know she is with this other guy but she does not know I know.


Why did you chat with her for 20 minutes? 

Not even sure why you returned her call. I would have told her the truth. That you know of the boyfriend and you are no longer paying half the rent.

You need to go there and get your stuff. Cancel everything with your name on it. Make sure she knows you are moving on. Tell her parents and family the truth about the breakup. Then go dark. I also see no reason why you don't file for divorce, asking for what you are entitled to.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

socalguy said:


> So an update.........so she did call while I was in the middle of playing golf. After my round, I called her and DID listen to the advise. I told her that things have been financially difficult and I cannot afford to pay my share of the rent. At first she was somewhat upset and said the "you promise things but never honor them" line. I just did not respond to her comment and stayed very calm. I then changed the subject and had a nice 20 min chat with her. On the 4th, she is coming down here to see her cousins. They live close by to my new place. Prior to going to their house, she offered to meet me and talk some more. Of course I agreed but I have to remember not to act like a desperate, clingy person. I know she is with this other guy but she does not know I know.


I'm glad you at least put her off until the end of your round. You do not have to explain or justify your actions to her. I predict this meeting with her coming up will be another heart wrenching disappointment for you. Listen, you would be wise not to meet her. After your meeting with her on the 4th, I challenge you to come back re-read this and think again about what is being said to you by the men here who have been through this. If you can leave your meeting with her feeling good about things I will be glad for you, but also totally amazed. The reason is that you are clinging onto the slimmest of slim hopes and she is USING that weakness to take what she can from you. Unless you can be very strong in her presence (esp. non-needy, not appeasing, not supplicating, clear on your objectives, not fogged or deluded about her intentions), it is better not to see her at all. The problem is that it is all too easy in your weakened emotional state to take the slightest morsel she throws you "oh joy of joy she SPOKE to me!!!" and in return give her the keys to the castle.


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## Mr. Poo Ferrigno (Jun 12, 2012)

SCG,

I won't go on and on pontificating what's been made pretty clear to you already, but just thought to bring a little apropos reinforcement just in the slim chance that it resonates with you.

DO NOT, DO NOT.....DO NOT GO TO SEE THIS WOMAN TOMORROW (7/4). NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS OR THE REASON PUT IN FRONT OF YOU, SOMETHING CAME UP THAT YOU MUST ATTEND TO (MAKE IT SOUND GENUINE!!! HELL, TELL HER YOU HAVE A GOLF DATE WITH FRIENDS, BROKE THE DATE, AND THOUGHT BETTER OF IT AND SO NOW YOU CANNOT SEE HER...)

MAKE SURE THAT SOMETHING, WHATEVER IT IS, SEES TO IT THAT YOU DO NOT NOT NOT SEE THIS WOMAN TOMORROW. GET TOUGH HAS SAID ALL THAT I WOULD SAY ON THIS MATTER. 

NO MORE 20 MINUTE TELEPHONE CALLS, NO RENT CHECKS, AND I WOULD ASK HER RESPECTFULLY "HOW FOOLISH DO YOU THINK I AM TO PAY RENT WHERE I DON'T LIVE FOR A WOMAN WHO IS SEEING ANOTHER MAN....REALLY, HOW FOOLISH IS THAT?"

I'D LOVE TO HEAR HER RESPONSE, BUT THEN AGAIN, I WOULDN'T BE ON ANY PHONE WITH HER LONG ENOUGH TO LISTEN.

Sorry for the caps man....just realize I didn't take it off. Don't feel like retyping.

I will leave you with this - DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT ANSWERING YOUR PHONE ONCE YOU'VE HAD THE FIRST BEER AT THE COOKOUT. YOU WILL REGRET IT.

Enjoy your holiday. PF.


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## socalguy (Jun 10, 2012)

Ok. I am a wuss. I cannot get this woman out of my mind. Everyone on this board and all my friends told me that I should NOT meet her on the 4th. What do I do........I met her. My friends all rode their bikes to the beach to watch the holiday parade and went to the bars. They had a bike ready for me. Instead I met my wife. She wanted to get rid of the Mercedes and get a new car. So off to the dealership we went, looking for a car. After 3 hours of wheeling and dealing, she left complaining about me not paying rent. She then went to the mall shopping and decides to call me, wanting to look at another car. I have already gone home and got ready to go to the beach. But stupid me, I went back to the dealership for another 2 hours. I know I am going to get murdered here for doing this, but I was looking forward to see her again, even if it was under such bad circumstances. Now I know how stupid this makes me look. 

The next day, we had separate sessions with a same therapist. I did not tell my wife that we were going to the same therapist. When she was leaving her session, she saw me pull in. I knew I was in trouble and I received a text from her "you should be more honest". From her session, my wife agreed to let the therapist share her side of the story with me at my session. She also was open to some joint sessions. My therapist mentioned she did not reveal she is seeing someone. That has me second guessing things. But why would my wife reveal she is seeing someone to the therapist if the therapist would tell me. That would jeopardize her secret because I could get upset and tell her family members. Recently, I have not looked at her bank statements or her phone log. That is too depressing. I am just going by what I saw before (phone log and statements) and on what I heard from her co-workers. I did found out something (revealed by one of my friend).........she met this guy the night before she asked for a divorce. I am sure they had conversations before b/c they have a joint venture between the two companies. It is on her FB acct with an entry about hoisting an event for his company at her company. From what I remembered, she came back around 1:00am and the event ended at 9:30. One friend suggested that maybe this guy could be alternative lifestyle and truly just a friend. I am leaning towards OM because she is not sad or depressed about the separation. She truly seemed that she has moved on and has asked me repeatedly to move on. Who texts 90+ times the first two weeks and at odd hours 1130 pm and 630 am? But at the end, who knows. I asked her and she wont confess. She has not told her family b/c they are really religious and probably mention to them after the divorce is final. If I am mistaken and there is not OM, does this change things?

I am sitting at the airport as I am typing this. I just came to the state where her parents live to visit one of my good friend. I needed support and he was celebrating his 40th. It is sad as he has 3 lovely children and they look like a happy family. I met my wife's cousin yesterday and they do not seem to know too much. I played golf with her husband, and he pretty much said the same thing as everyone on this board. Do the 180 and MAKE her miss you. He also mentioned about the cake eating. I know it is very common sense but it is so hard to do. During the golf game, my wife text because she locked the computer and did not know what to do. I did not text her back. Maybe that is a step in the right direction. 

Today I did meet her parents and grandparents. The grandparents are old and it will probably be the last time I will see them. Meeting both was very odd. Since I am now doubting myself, I did not tell them she has another man. I did tell them that we are working on this and they should "pray" for us (they are very religious). The thing that really caught my attention was the mother said something like "XXXXXX is our daughter and it is our intention that whatever she does, we will support her as long as she is happy." I understand that blood will always come first but what if she decided to leave me and became a prostitute. She is happy and making a lot of money but is that the right thing for my wife to do? Now I know to fix this marriage, it must be between the wife and I. No help from the parents.

So this is what has been happening the past few days. I am still an emotional roller coaster. When I see her, I am temporary happy, then I become a mess. When I went to her hometown, I was a mess the first night. This was the first time I was there alone. I KNOW I need to stay away from her and not talk to her. The faster I do this, the better it is for me recovering. I do not need to cause any more emotional harm to myself. It is just SO hard!!!!!!

Oh I forgot to mention, I moved out for almost 4 weeks and still no text or communication about how I AM doing. My birthday is tomorrow and we will see if I get a text for that. I am not holding any expectations. Only last year she gave me a big surprise present and it was the best gift and surprise I ever had. Strange what happens in one year.


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

socalguy said:


> Ok. I am a wuss. I cannot get this woman out of my mind. Everyone on this board and all my friends told me that I should NOT meet her on the 4th. What do I do........I met her. My friends all rode their bikes to the beach to watch the holiday parade and went to the bars. They had a bike ready for me. Instead I met my wife. She wanted to get rid of the Mercedes and get a new car. So off to the dealership we went, looking for a car.














socalguy said:


> After 3 hours of wheeling and dealing, she left complaining about me not paying rent. She then went to the mall shopping and decides to call me, wanting to look at another car. I have already gone home and got ready to go to the beach. But stupid me, I went back to the dealership for another 2 hours.














socalguy said:


> The next day, we had separate sessions with a same therapist. I did not tell my wife that we were going to the same therapist. When she was leaving her session, she saw me pull in. I knew I was in trouble and I received a text from her "you should be more honest".



She's involved in an EA/PA and you let her talk to you that way?













socalguy said:


> From her session, my wife agreed to let the therapist share her side of the story with me at my session. She also was open to some joint sessions. My therapist mentioned she did not reveal she is seeing someone. That has me second guessing things. But why would my wife reveal she is seeing someone to the therapist if the therapist would tell me. That would jeopardize her secret because I could get upset and tell her family members.


No kidding.











socalguy said:


> Recently, I have not looked at her bank statements or her phone log. That is too depressing. I am just going by what I saw before (phone log and statements) and on what I heard from her co-workers. I did found out something (revealed by one of my friend).........she met this guy the night before she asked for a divorce. I am sure they had conversations before b/c they have a joint venture between the two companies. It is on her FB acct with an entry about hoisting an event for his company at her company. From what I remembered, she came back around 1:00am and the event ended at 9:30. One friend suggested that maybe this guy could be alternative lifestyle and truly just a friend. I am leaning towards OM because she is not sad or depressed about the separation. She truly seemed that she has moved on and has asked me repeatedly to move on. Who texts 90+ times the first two weeks and at odd hours 1130 pm and 630 am? But at the end, who knows. I asked her and she wont confess. She has not told her family b/c they are really religious and probably mention to them after the divorce is final. If I am mistaken and there is not OM, does this change things?


What do you think?











socalguy said:


> I am sitting at the airport as I am typing this. I just came to the state where her parents live to visit one of my good friend. I needed support and he was celebrating his 40th. It is sad as he has 3 lovely children and they look like a happy family. I met my wife's cousin yesterday and they do not seem to know too much. I played golf with her husband, and he pretty much said the same thing as everyone on this board. Do the 180 and MAKE her miss you. He also mentioned about the cake eating. I know it is very common sense but it is so hard to do. During the golf game, my wife text because she locked the computer and did not know what to do. I did not text her back. Maybe that is a step in the right direction.


:iagree: HALLELUJAH!


socalguy said:


> Today I did meet her parents and grandparents. The grandparents are old and it will probably be the last time I will see them. Meeting both was very odd. Since I am now doubting myself, I did not tell them she has another man. I did tell them that we are working on this and they should "pray" for us (they are very religious). The thing that really caught my attention was the mother said something like "XXXXXX is our daughter and it is our intention that whatever she does, we will support her as long as she is happy." I understand that blood will always come first but what if she decided to leave me and became a prostitute. She is happy and making a lot of money but is that the right thing for my wife to do? Now I know to fix this marriage, it must be between the wife and I. No help from the parents.


When are you going to take your focus off what *EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING AND SAYING AND FOCUS ON YOU?*











socalguy said:


> Oh I forgot to mention, I moved out for almost 4 weeks and still no text or communication about how I AM doing. My birthday is tomorrow and we will see if I get a text for that.


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## socalguy (Jun 10, 2012)

Today since it is my birthday, I have decided to move on and try much harder at the 180. I know I can do this!!!! No more being a doormat and cake eating. This time I mean it. The less I hear from her the better it will be for me.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

happy birthday socalguy, try n have a good night


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

by the way i think you & i tied on the most lumber from conrad on 1 single post


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

socalguy said:


> Today since it is my birthday, I have decided to move on and try much harder at the 180. I know I can do this!!!! No more being a doormat and cake eating. This time I mean it. The less I hear from her the better it will be for me.


Happy Birthday.

For real.


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## Mr. Poo Ferrigno (Jun 12, 2012)

SCG,

You've gotten a ton of very sage advice from men who've been through this and have had the time, distance, and position to look back at this situation with great perspective. Your emotions resonate more with you than wisdom and prudence do. It is what it is...just all leaves me scratching my head :scratchhead:

I do wish you the best...when you look back that this, you will have wished you did differently. I guess you have to look back at this situation and "wish" you did differently to truly realize this.

I do hope that you land on your feet and ultimately find yourself in wherever it is you were meant to be. Just hope that you realize in time that it is isn't with this woman.

_*Love is at worst an excuse....at best it's a truce... *_

That much I do know...


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## socalguy (Jun 10, 2012)

Thanks for the birthday wishes. Had a wonderful day with friends. After going through this mess, you realize who your true friends are. You also find out a lot of couples have marital problems.


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## Mr. Poo Ferrigno (Jun 12, 2012)

I bet you NEVER thought to confront her about the fact that SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND AND IS MORE THAN CERTAINLY SLEEPING WITH HIM.

Oh yeah...when you see some guy cruising down the block in the car you are paying for, don't be mad. You can't be.

Again, hope it all works out for you. Really.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

I understand how hard it is to do this, but it's really the best thing for you regardless of what your wife decides to do. If you haven't already read this I recommend taking a look at it. Best of luck.

Developing Detachment | LIVESTRONG.COM


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## socalguy (Jun 10, 2012)

Mr. Poo Ferrigno said:


> I bet you NEVER thought to confront her about the fact that SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND AND IS MORE THAN CERTAINLY SLEEPING WITH HIM.
> 
> Oh yeah...when you see some guy cruising down the block in the car you are paying for, don't be mad. You can't be.
> 
> Again, hope it all works out for you. Really.


I have confronted her and she has denied it on several occasions. She did not mention it to the therapist and have no records on her FB page (other than the divorced status). I am going with what her co-workers are saying after she told them. Also the phone records supports it (although I do not look at them anymore). My friends mentioned that she is probably ashamed to tell the therapist and family members b/c seeing someone before a divorce is not OK in a religious environment. Who knows?

As for the car, the payment was due yesterday and I did not pay it.

Again, I say and do these things that that I know is right. The only problem is when she contacts me, everything gets messed up. So starting yesterday, no more contacts!!!!! That will solve many many many issues.


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## socalguy (Jun 10, 2012)

dazedguy said:


> I understand how hard it is to do this, but it's really the best thing for you regardless of what your wife decides to do. If you haven't already read this I recommend taking a look at it. Best of luck.
> 
> Developing Detachment | LIVESTRONG.COM


Thanks for the link. Very helpful!


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## Mr. Poo Ferrigno (Jun 12, 2012)

SCG, 

My friend...the first sentence of your missive said "I know I am a wuss..."

What do you think you showed her? You would have been best served following GetTough's advice, that I can promise you.

Divorced on the FB page? Dude...c'mon man...

Mr. PF


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

How are things going?

Doing well resisting her requests?


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## socalguy (Jun 10, 2012)

keko said:


> How are things going?
> 
> Doing well resisting her requests?


Thanks for asking! It has been some time since I last posted. Everything is fine. Still some sad moments but those sad times are going away. I have not talked to her since we met on the 4th of July. Just some random texts wanting info (2-3X). I always reply with a "yes" or "no" and not some long message. No communication with her really helps me get through this. I have been going to therapy every other week. I am lucky to have great health insurance from work. One thing that the therapist mentioned was that every time I felt sad/depressed, I should just start writing. I have now written around 20 pages single spaced. That is most I have ever wrote  In a few years I want to read the journal and then I will notice all the silly and stupid things I did to try to please this woman. 

BTW. She again asked for the rent check. I never responded. I was surprised that she asked for it after I told her last month that I am not in the financial position to pay for her rent. Amazing.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

socalguy said:


> Thanks for asking! It has been some time since I last posted. Everything is fine. Still some sad moments but those sad times are going away. I have not talked to her since we met on the 4th of July. Just some random texts wanting info (2-3X). I always reply with a "yes" or "no" and not some long message. No communication with her really helps me get through this. I have been going to therapy every other week. I am lucky to have great health insurance from work. One thing that the therapist mentioned was that every time I felt sad/depressed, I should just start writing. I have now written around 20 pages single spaced. That is most I have ever wrote  In a few years I want to read the journal and then I will notice all the silly and stupid things I did to try to please this woman.
> 
> BTW. She again asked for the rent check. I never responded. I was surprised that she asked for it after I told her last month that I am not in the financial position to pay for her rent. Amazing.


Is it really all that amazing?


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

That's interesting... I'm not in therapy but I have been drawn to write down some of my feelings. It has helped.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

Sounds like you're doing a lot better with the detachment. Great, it will help you.


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

so after a year socalguy, how are you doing?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ferndog said:


> so after a year socalguy, how are you doing?


This thread set an "all-time" record for lumber in one post.


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

Conrad said:


> This thread set an "all-time" record for lumber in one post.


yeah but he deserved it at the time. now im wondering how he has been since its been a year since his last post


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