# I lack the courage to ask for a divorce, what to do?



## SteelyPhil (Jun 9, 2016)

It's been a while since I posted here, over a year, and a lot has happened. My wife and I have now been married for just over 6 years, still no kids and continue to struggle with our marriage.

For the past 3 months my wife I have been going to marriage counselling to work on our problems and I believe it's been helpful. For years my wife and I argued terribly, called each other every name in the book, tore each other down, and overall ruined the images that each had of each other. Admitting that and working to fix that in counseling has been difficult. My wife and I are now at a point where we can for the most part go about daily life without saying mean things to each other. 

The problem is there is still this empty feeling between us. It's as if we are two people who can now tolerate each other but are not in love with each other. I don't think either one of us is truly happy due to the past and the years of arguing between us. We have made it habit now to not bring up the past but I think the hurt feelings from the past are still there. To make matters worse there are still at times, no where near as often, that we get in arguments and she makes these sweeping negative comments about me. For example the other week after seeing some friends we got in an argument and she told me "You will never be like your friend", she was comparing me to my male best friend and his relationship with his wife. That comment really made me feel bad, made me feeling worthless as a man and not being good enough. To compare me to one of my male friends seems really low. I told her how I felt but it didn't matter.

I no longer want to live in a passionless and now pretty much sexless marriage. Living in this type of life is now starting to make me feel depressed at times. I would love to be with someone who truly feelings like a partner and my best friend. The problem is I feel that I lack, probably the both of us, the courage to ask for a divorce. Why? I feel that I would it would be embarrassing to admit to friends and family and that it will ruin some of those relationships. I can accept that my relationship with her family would be over. We love both of each others families very much and it would be hard to say goodbye to them. There's also friends of ours that we have grown close to and I worry how they will view me, I can see situations where the husband would support me but not his wife and wonder how that would affect our friendship going forward. Also, I think about our dog and how my wife would likely be the one to take him. Still, if I stay in the marriage I feel like I'm staying for everyone else and not myself.

Oh, the main reason we don't have any children right now is I honestly feel scared to have children with someone that I don't feel in love with and continue to have problems with. I want kids but want it to be with someone I feel in love with and that I'm passionate about. With my wife I feel that getting pregnant right now would mean that I could be in this situation with her forever.

I don't what to do. Any advice?

Thank you


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why stay married to someone who argues with you constantly? That's not a marriage. 

And why argue with your wife constantly? That's on YOU. You're just as responsible for your ****ty marriage. You leave this one, without taking responsibility for your own crappy actions, you'll just be the same crappy person in your next marriage, hurting someone ELSE. Do you want that legacy?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

A hero dies but once. A coward dies a hundred deaths. You know what to do. You just lack the courage to do it. You cannot get that here. Maybe in Oz.


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## SteelyPhil (Jun 9, 2016)

turnera said:


> Why stay married to someone who argues with you constantly? That's not a marriage.
> 
> And why argue with your wife constantly? That's on YOU. You're just as responsible for your sh*tty marriage. You leave this one, without taking responsibility for your own crappy actions, you'll just be the same crappy person in your next marriage, hurting someone ELSE. Do you want that legacy?


I hear ya there and agree. I take responsibility for my actions in the marriage and have done so regularly in counselling. I think it's my wife's personality that I honestly just don't like most days. Overall I don't feel that my wife is the same women I feel in love with. Time changes people though and we have both changed over the years. I feel that the way she reacts to certain situations or just my opinion in a negative way would handled completely different by another women. There are many times at the start or during an argument where I think "who even reacts this way". Again I can't help to think there are countless other women who wouldn't react the same way. My wife though will often point out during an argument "any women would agree with me on this"...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*If you think that your announcement is going to, in any way, predicate a request for separation, then go ahead and make it to her, either verbally or in written form, being fully prepared to move out, at least perhaps on a temporary basis!

Having said that, get to a good family attorney ASAP to be immediately advised of your property rights and to draw up and file the initial petition for divorce. You may also want to advise certain trusted family members as to what is about to occur!*


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

I am willing to bet that if you talk to your wife and ask her how she honestly feels, you may be surprised at her response. If you are feeling empty and lonely, there is a good chance that she may be feeling the same thing. She might be open to a frank discussion on the future of your marriage. 

If you have honestly tried to fix the marriage and exhausted all efforts, it is okay to admit that maybe this wasn't meant to be. Things change and sometimes they don't work out in the long run. This is true all areas of your life. Nothing worth doing is easy, so don't beat yourself up to much. Sometimes divorce is the answer to moving on in your life.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I ended a very long marriage. Everyone -- family and friends -- were totally opposed to my divorce and didn't hesitate to let me know. My response was that it was my life and I wanted peace for whatever was left of it. And I kept repeating that every time the subject was brought up by others. 

It's your life. Don't *ask* her for a divorce -- tell her you're not happy, despite counseling, and you're getting out.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

It's usually best to do it on one fell swoop, but I understand if you're not ready for that now. Perhaps slowly distance yourself from her. Move into the guest room for a while so you get used to being apart. Tell her you want some time apart so you can get your thoughts straight. After sleeping apart for a while, tell her you want to be separated for a while and get your own apartment. After a while being apart, it will be easier to take that final step.

What is your current financial situations? Do you both work? Are incomes similar or different? How would you think the financial settlement would work out if you got divorced?

Look around your area for divorce support groups. It will help you feel more comfortable to talk with people who have gone through it.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't think either of you is happy the way things are. You will be doing both of you a favor if you ask for a divorce - she may even be thinking along the same lines that you are.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Openminded said:


> I ended a very long marriage. Everyone -- family and friends -- were totally opposed to my divorce and didn't hesitate to let me know. My response was that it was my life and I wanted peace for whatever was left of it. And I kept repeating that every time the subject was brought up by others.
> 
> It's your life. Don't *ask* her for a divorce -- tell her you're not happy, despite counseling, and you're getting out.


THIS-
The real answer to a real, real world problem, for you and you alone....you solved.

I see it as not having the proper chemistry for each other.
Oil and water is the extreme mix.

Most other marriages have some binder in their mix, this marital chemical blend.
The binder joins the good things, isolates the bad.

Yes, the bad feelings precipitate to the surface.
Yes, this floating 'sour cream' needs to be skimmed off regularly.

If nothing can be resolved, made solvent, then separate and permanent flasks need go each chemical being.
Hence, divorce. 

Problem solved....with that marriage mixture.
No guarantee for the next brew, another coup that may follow suit.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Staying in an unhappy marriage because of other people is useless. Why do you care so much more about what other people think or how they will react than your OWN happiness and peace of mind? What do you think those people are going to be doing for you to make up for you staying in misery? NOTHING. And from what you describe, if YOU don't initiate a divorce, eventually your wife will... then what?


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## pailinepark (Dec 5, 2017)

do not stay in an unhappy relationship, that is always what i tell myself and everyone around me


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Time for you to read No More Mr Nice Guy.

Eventually you'll get sick and tired of being sick and tired. You should be getting a BJ weekly, getting laid every night. That's the main joy in life. You are not happy for a good reason.

Just end your marriage. As someone said above, you don't ask for a divorce. You say I want a divorce and that's it. You tell people the truth. You both were miserable, in a sexless marriage, and you refuse to live a life with regrets. Start dating immediately.

A divorce for you is a simple business transaction. I envy you. You don't have kids. You have NO IDEA how good you have it. Me and others on here are paying thousands a month for the next 10+ years to our ex wives we can't stand because of child support. And that's with 50/50 custody!

Are you hitting the gym? Get your self confidence back. Get into amazing shape. Make that your addiction and goal. You've lost your confidence, and I don't blame you. I've been in your shoes. A woman that treats you like crap makes you feel worthless. Time to become the man you've always wanted to be.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Slartibartfast said:


> I think you need to get some perspective on what divorce is. Divorce doesn't end marriages. It ends people's legal and social obligations. In almost every case, especially yours, the marriage has been over for a while. I assure you that, no matter what your fantasies, everyone knows that. Divorce is just a rap of the gavel that makes it official.
> 
> And in your case, divorce won't be a contest where people have to support one or the other. Support them how? In what? You have no actual friends who will be surprised. Actual friends pay better attention than that. If you're going to feel embarrassed, feel it now, for having them see you both in this appalling shambles of mutual loathing. If by "support" you mean that any one of them would have you two go on shackled together, good riddance to that sort of "friend." A friend like that is just a sort of social vampire feeding on the spectacle.
> 
> ...



Phil... read this over and over. It's exactly the truth. Don't be afraid of a divorce. Be afraid of having regrets later in life that you wasted your prime years living a miserable life because you were scared of what *others *thought. I and millions of others have survived them and went on to thrive. You have one life. Don't waste it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SteelyPhil said:


> I hear ya there and agree. I take responsibility for my actions in the marriage and have done so regularly in counselling. I think it's my wife's personality that I honestly just don't like most days. Overall I don't feel that my wife is the same women I feel in love with. Time changes people though and we have both changed over the years. I feel that the way she reacts to certain situations or just my opinion in a negative way would handled completely different by another women. There are many times at the start or during an argument where I think "who even reacts this way". Again I can't help to think there are countless other women who wouldn't react the same way. My wife though will often point out during an argument "any women would agree with me on this"...


People don't change that much in only 6 years.

I have no idea why either of you thinks its ok to call each other names, that is very immature behaviour. I married first time age 19, was married for 25 years, and this time have been married for 12 years and have not once called either of my husband names. Its just wrong, mean, unkind and disrespectful. No wonder you feel the love has faded. 

Start treating her with love and respect. 



Even if you do get divorced, neither of you seem ready or mature enough to be in a marriage.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Um, you don't have to ask her permission to divorce her. Just file for divorce, rely on an attorney to do the details.

If you're done, then get going.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@SteelyPhil, 

May I make a suggestion? I think you are envisioning "asking" for a divorce, and a whole lot of screaming and yelling, she refuses to do it, family members and friends all up-in-arms, etc. and it really doesn't need to be that way at all. 

If you have chosen in your heart and mind to divorce, just go to an attorney, fill out the questionnaire, let the attorney's paralegals fill out the forms and file for you, and have her served. 

The. End. 

There doesn't have to be a bunch or drama and screaming. You are done. It's okay to be done. Just go fill out the form and find someone 18 or over to hand her the copy you already filed in court. She can have whatever hissy fit she wants, but she won't be able to stop it. 

And about 6 months later it will be all done.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

GuyInColorado said:


> Are you hitting the gym? Get your self confidence back. Get into amazing shape. Make that your addiction and goal. You've lost your confidence, and I don't blame you. I've been in your shoes. A woman that treats you like crap makes you feel worthless. Time to become the man you've always wanted to be.


Yes! Do this. It's clear your self confidence has taken a beating. Your first priority is to get your head clear and confident. 

*YOUR HAPPINESS ISN'T CONTINGENT ON THE ACTIONS OF YOUR WIFE!!!!*

So what she's angry all the time. So what she doesn't want to have sex. Don't let that stop you from being happy and confident.

The fastest way for most men to feel confident is to work out and really exert themselves. An intense workout releases endorphins, increases testosterone, and gets your body in shape. I would recommend you join some sort of instructor led small group workout. Don't do solitary workouts like running since it's easy for your mind to dwell on your situation. Instead, do a workout where an instructor is motivating you to work as hard as you can. Plus, an instructor will ensure you are using correct form and not get injured.

A common type of class is Boot Camp, which is a small group class taught pretty much anywhere. Look for them in your local area. There are also gyms which specialize in small group workouts, like "OrangeTheory" and others. Regular gyms also have group classes, but they tend to be larger and the instructors aren't as hands-on. Make sure you find a class where the instructor is almost acting like a personal trainer.

Working out will help you so much--it'll be like being on anti-depressants. And it will greatly help you feel good about your self and your body no matter what relationship path you take.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

A counselor told me that the opposite of love is not hate, it is apathy. You two do not seem to be apathetic about one another.

It takes time to rebuild trust after years of mutual abuse. You wife, if she wants to stay married, has to stop with the sweeping statements. I think that is what you need to make clear to her. 

3 months of marriage counseling is just enough to put stop-gap measures in place. Once the negativity and abuse are removed, you have to spend time replacing with positives - like the real bond that can form when you hold your tongue out of respect for your partner and work through an argument.

Your wife seems to have trouble communicating, unless what she really feels is that you are a disappointment. What she was probably going for when she said that comment about your friend is that there is something she wishes you would do or do differently. I am not excusing the behavior.

I do suggest that when she does revert to old patterns, that you tell her that what she is doing is not fair or helpful and then leave the house. Ask her to call you when she has figured out what she really wants to say - even if that is that you are a disappointment (in which case, it's game over). Let her know where you will be. Do not argue and do not engage. Do not address how you feel because she is not ready to take responsibility of her actions.

Long story short - I think a little more time can't hurt. If in the end it does not work, then your no worse off. If it does, it could be very nice.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

You mention years of fighting and a loveless marriage. Why did you marry her? How long did you date before you were married? Did you every have any marital bliss? If so what changed after that? 

I am asking in that is there anything real in your marriage to fix?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

The longer you stay married to her (when it's clear you're not happy) the greater the chance you'll probably sleep together and then the next thing you know, you're trapped like a rat.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

SteelyPhil said:


> I hear ya there and agree. I take responsibility for my actions in the marriage and have done so regularly in counselling. I think it's my wife's personality that I honestly just don't like most days. Overall I don't feel that my wife is the same women I feel in love with. Time changes people though and we have both changed over the years. I feel that the way she reacts to certain situations or just my opinion in a negative way would handled completely different by another women. There are many times at the start or during an argument where I think "who even reacts this way". Again I can't help to think there are countless other women who wouldn't react the same way. My wife though will often point out during an argument "any women would agree with me on this"...


I live like this.
Your shoes could be mine.
I have walked in those shoes of yours.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

There are a lot of rather mean, very mean SOB's in this world.
And a lot of people live with them and tolerate them.

Not for self-serving reasons.
For self-effacing reasons.

And for lack of hot-air in their "Off to OZ" balloon.


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## WildMustang (Nov 7, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> I live like this.
> Your shoes could be mine.
> I have walked in those shoes of yours.


My heart goes out to you and everyone else walking in those shoes.


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## Impy2 (Dec 9, 2017)

I'm in these shoes as well. I want a divorce but scared to mention it or how to even bring it up. If somebody asked my wife how are marriage is she would say great. Ask me and I'm very unhappy. After reading these replies i agree life's too short and I'm going to tell her first week in New Year. I've already talked to a solicitor. I just don't want to hurt her but I'm miserable, so what can i do?


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Impy2 said:


> I'm in these shoes as well. I want a divorce but scared to mention it or how to even bring it up. If somebody asked my wife how are marriage is she would say great. Ask me and I'm very unhappy. After reading these replies i agree life's too short and I'm going to tell her first week in New Year. I've already talked to a solicitor. I just don't want to hurt her but I'm miserable, so what can i do?


Well first you need to tell your wife how you feel. Is she saying your marriage is "great" because she is putting on a mask and doesn't want to be judged... or does she really think that things are good between you?

Its one thing to file for divorce when your wife knows your issues and she refuses to work on them.... its another to slap her with a surprise divorce whens he didn't even know you had issues to work on


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Impy2 said:


> I'm in these shoes as well. I want a divorce but scared to mention it or how to even bring it up. If somebody asked my wife how are marriage is she would say great. Ask me and I'm very unhappy. After reading these replies i agree life's too short and I'm going to tell her first week in New Year. I've already talked to a solicitor. I just don't want to hurt her but I'm miserable, so what can i do?


Surely the first step is telling your wife how very unhappy you are and that you are not sure the marriage is working? Dropping a bombshell on someone like that who thinks you are happy is just terrible. You must warn her before and talk to her. 
I know three people who had that bomb shell dropped on them out of the blue who all had breakdowns. Two were actually hospitalised. Its just plain cruel. :frown2:


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Impy2 said:


> I'm in these shoes as well. I want a divorce but scared to mention it or how to even bring it up. If somebody asked my wife how are marriage is she would say great. Ask me and I'm very unhappy. After reading these replies i agree life's too short and I'm going to tell her first week in New Year. I've already talked to a solicitor. I just don't want to hurt her but I'm miserable, so what can i do?


Your unhappiness may well spring from the fact that you're afraid to go after what you want. Get over that, and you may find that you don't really need a divorce after all.


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