# Mixed signals



## Nosmoresmiles (Aug 25, 2017)

Please post anonymous 

So my wife told me she was leaving she said she loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore and said she wouldn't be coming back. 

We have spoken a couple of times to arrange times to sort out our financial stuff and so she could collect her belongings. Now both times we have met she has been sending mixed signals to me and even said it feels like when we first started dating and that she hates to see me leave and that she was going to miss me but all the time she was packing up stuff ready to leave. The last time we see each other we had an amazing time together and just before we parted she made the following statement. 

She said she had it in her head that we was 100% done but that she is now confused. 

Since saying that she has completely blanked me not a single word said. I haven't pestered her in anyway I have been giving her time and space I have only made one attempt to contact her but that was just to ask how her hospital appointment went I didn't get a reply so now I just don't no what to do. 

We still have some stuff to finish dividing do I just do it myself and let her know the rest is ready for her to collect or do I ask if she wants to go through it with me. Do I keep hope that she is still unsure of how to communicate and that's why she is ignoring me. The main problem is I can't move on right now as I am still very much in the dark as to why she left in the first place I have had no reasons said other than the love thing I feel I need some closure.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Nosmoresmiles said:


> Please post anonymous
> 
> So my wife told me she was leaving she said she loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore and said she wouldn't be coming back.
> 
> ...


*Have you both been through some previous and extensive marriage counseling about this?*


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## Nosmoresmiles (Aug 25, 2017)

No I have asked for her to come along to sessions I have started since the split ( to help myself come to terms with what has happened) I asked in my first session if it would be ok if she came and my therapist said it wouldn't be a problem if she did then it would just be the start of a couples session as aposed to an individual one for myself but my wife said she is not interested. She's said she's not ready to try that and feels that it would be a waste of her time if she was to attend under that mindset. 

She has also started to take antidepressants again something she was really against when we was together she was diagnosed with depression because she was finding it hard to deal with her illness even tho I was always there for her she said she needed a little extra help when she was on her own


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

OP - one of the following likely occurred
a) she has a new boyfriend
b) she is a WAW (walk away wife)
C) both a and b

She is trying to let you go with minimizing the damage (at least that is what she thinks she is doing).

If it is b or c, you really need to google WAWs and how to recover. Reading this board, low chance of this occurring. if it is a and you are willing to reconcile, you need to figure out who he is, expose, etc. If you really want to understand, search for standard evidence post in the Coping With Infidelity sub forum).

Good luck, this is a horrible situation to be in.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Oh and to add - YOU NEED IC w/o your STBXW. She won't help you


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

A woman just doesn't leave without something new to go into. Do you have access to her cell phone bill? Can you see if she's texting/calling a certain number? If it's an iphone with iMsg, it can be harder to detect if the other person has iMsg too. 

Go into investigating mode. You'll find another man, 90% chance at her work place. 

What happened with your marriage? Did the love/intimacy die? Were you two having regular sex until the end? Give us more details other than she was done with you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Going on meds points to WAW.

She thinks:

One of the below...or a combination.

1) You are the "main" reason for her UN-happiness. There are other reasons, you are large at midpoint.
2) She knows her unhappiness is mostly "on her". She is depressed, does not love you "enough" anymore. Does not want to burden you with her issues...anymore.
3) She is in the midst of a breakdown. Feeling a crisis, a Mid Life Crisis.
4) Something else is eating at her...she knows what it is. Maybe guilt? Maybe an EA?
5) Something else has destroyed her world, her sense of security and sense of identity.
6) Her mental anchor has broken free. A new brain failing is showing up when she opens her eyes. A physical occurrence as opposed to a mental one.


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## Nosmoresmiles (Aug 25, 2017)

That's the problem I have no other details on why she left.

There was no signs she was unhappy we very really argued about anything and when we did it was never heated and almost always resolved quickly by us putting something in place to help us not have that issue again e.g. Made a lotto style system for housework to make doing it more fun and less of well I always clean the kitchen all you do is Hoover.

We was very intimate and never had any issues with our sex lives during the relationship and on both meetings she even suggested sex. I know that she is holding something back and I have some suspicions 

One she has cheated/found someone new 

Two she has been pressured by her parents 

Back story on her parents is that they never thought I have been good enough for her and I do not no why. I have always had a steady and reasonably paid job to support her. Never done drugs never really drank ( my job depends on a zero drug/alcohol system with regular screenings) never been abusive never stopped her from doing or going anywhere ( I used to have to talk her into go out with her friends and family as she always had issues going but once there she always enjoyed herself) always surprised her with little gifts or flowers for no reason other than the fact I wanted to and I was the only one to support her 100% when she wanted to change her job. I can see that she's an only child and they may feel like I have stolen her away from them but this can't the only reason. They have also been trying to get her to move back home since the day she moved out. 

She has never been able to hide truths so I feel like this is why she has also given very little details as to her reasons. If she says nothing then she can't slip up anywhere so every time I have asked I get told that she has already given me the reason and shuts down the conversation


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Make it your mission and obsession to find out what's going on with her. Stalk her if you have to. You'll find the reason sooner than later. Women are complicated and messed up people, I'm finding out. My fiancee was hiding a hard drug habit from me and would lie and convince me I was the crazy one. Don't be a doormat and find the truth. I did eventually and now hold the cards. Remember, your wife is replaceable. Don't take any crap and detach if you must. I'm still with my "fiancee" because I'm looking out for myself at the moment and not giving up on her so fast. But if she relapses or lies to me again, I'm kicking her to the curb. 

Sorry you're here! But you're not alone... a lot of us on here are struggling with crappy/complicated relationships and this is a great place to get it off your chest and get insight. I was here posting about my divorce back in December 2015 and now August 2017 posting about my drug abusing fiancee. Keep posting!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

GuyInColorado said:


> A woman just doesn't leave without something new to go into.


NOT true. 



GuyInColorado said:


> Make it your mission and obsession to find out what's going on with her. Stalk her if you have to. You'll find the reason sooner than later. Women are complicated and messed up people, I'm finding out.


Please stop generalizing women like this.  Remember YOU are the one still sleeping with a known drug addict....


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

OP, I can relate. My ex left 3 years ago and gave me no reason. She also told me "we had talked about until we were blue in the face". For whatever reason I do not recall ever having a discussion, yet I still have vivid memories of every other conversation that took place. Anyways, you will probably never know for sure and at this point even if she told you, would you believe a word she said? She has destroyed all of your trust in her. So, at this point your only real option is to focus on yourself. Rekindle past interests and find new ones. Occupy your time doing things that you like to do. Don't just improve, become the person you always dreamed you would be. If by some chance she decides she was wrong or wants to come back, then it will be your choice to take her back or not. Chances are pretty good though that you won't. Because you will not be the person you were before and she will probably not appeal to you at that point.


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## Nosmoresmiles (Aug 25, 2017)

First of all I would like to say thank you for all your support at this momen in time I have found it hard to talk to people about this as most of my friends are currently planning weddings or about to have new life in their family, they said they are there for me but I just feel like I can't put this to them at the moment ( i can't stress enough how great they are and how close we all are) 

Everything you guys and gals are saying makes sense and it's not that I haven't thought along the same lines as what has been said, like I said I above I believe she has something to hide and I agree that I will never know what that is for sure but with everything we have battled through at the start of our relationship I can't just believe she "fell out of love" in the space of half a day. 

I have been thinking more about what was said just after she left the very first time we spoke before any meetings to deal with our belongings and two things have come to my mind that I would like to get your opinions on.

She said "I know you hate me, don't you " 

I have no clue where this comes from I never once said I hated her or anything that would give that sort of impression I remained calm to a degree there was emotions of course but no anger no rage no screaming at her no accusations I feel that I handled her decision to leave like an adult and with respect for her feelings on the matter. All the anger was from her. 

The second was "I can't come back anyway you would never forgive me for leaving"

Again I never said anything of the sort. I told her that she was putting words in my mouth and that i was the one that would need to make that decision not her that wasn't fair. Now I have to be honest I would have forgiven her right there and then for almost anything if she told me the truth and would be willing to work with me on the marriage. 

Do you guys think this stinks of guilt about something and that she has something to hide, or do you guys think that I may just be over thinking what was said when we was both emotionally drained.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Nosmoresmiles said:


> First of all I would like to say thank you for all your support at this momen in time I have found it hard to talk to people about this as most of my friends are currently planning weddings or about to have new life in their family, they said they are there for me but I just feel like I can't put this to them at the moment ( i can't stress enough how great they are and how close we all are)
> 
> Everything you guys and gals are saying makes sense and it's not that I haven't thought along the same lines as what has been said, like I said I above I believe she has something to hide and I agree that I will never know what that is for sure but with everything we have battled through at the start of our relationship I can't just believe she "fell out of love" in the space of half a day.
> 
> ...


To be honest she sounds like a bit of a drama queen and she has backed herself into a corner and now has nowhere to go.Her refusing to talk about this or give you any reason for leaving is telling me she wants you to beg her to come home and just rugsweep the reason for her leaving.This would be a bad move because she would use the threat of leaving every time you had a difference of opinion.
Her telling you that she can't come home because you would never forgive her for leaving is classic manipulation,as I said,she wants you to beg her and reassure her.
She may have had her eyes on another guy but it hasn't worked out or she may have thought she wanted the single life but now realises she doesn't.Her true reasons may never be known but you need to be very careful here because this could be a nightmare in the future if you reconcile without knowing the facts.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> NOT true.
> 
> 
> 
> Please stop generalizing women like this.  Remember YOU are the one still sleeping with a known drug addict....


I agree with Colorado...women are complicated.

I agree with you....you are not. You remain a gem.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> To be honest she sounds like a bit of a drama queen and she has backed herself into a corner and now has nowhere to go.Her refusing to talk about this or give you any reason for leaving is telling me she wants you to beg her to come home and just rugsweep the reason for her leaving.This would be a bad move because she would use the threat of leaving every time you had a difference of opinion.
> Her telling you that she can't come home because you would never forgive her for leaving is classic manipulation,as I said,she wants you to beg her and reassure her.
> She may have had her eyes on another guy but it hasn't worked out or she may have thought she wanted the single life but now realises she doesn't.Her true reasons may never be known but you need to be very careful here because this could be a nightmare in the future if you reconcile without knowing the facts.


My God, Andy!

This is good thinking on your part.

You must have been a women in your last incarnation, methinks! :surprise::surprise:

Just Sayin'


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Nosmoresmiles said:


> Do you guys think this stinks of guilt about something and that she has something to hide, or do you guys think that I may just be over thinking what was said when we was both emotionally drained.


Yes to both questions, she's most likely hiding something and your over thinking it. Your trying to see and interpret what your heart wants right now more than what she is actually saying. Your trying to feed hope instead of seeing the situation for what it is. Her other comments are more for her own benefit, she convinces herself you'd "never forgive her for leaving" etc are all just what she wants to believe right now. She doesn't want to have a real conversation about it.

If she wants to come back she will say so, it won't be a guessing game.


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## Nosmoresmiles (Aug 25, 2017)

Ouch just had so news from a Mutual friend regarding my situation 

They said that she has been going around saying and I quote 

"The day you finally say F*** it and let go of the person you have been pointlessly holding onto, is the day your life gets a whole lot better"

I think this confirms that we are finished so I thank you all for your help and support but I think all that is left for me to do now is to tell her to come and get the rest of her stuff and file for devorce 

Thanks again guys


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Nosmoresmiles said:


> Ouch just had so news from a Mutual friend regarding my situation
> 
> They said that she has been going around saying and I quote
> 
> ...


Sounds like she is seeing someone else and now laying groundwork to claim the relationship was not working out. Typical cheater stuff. If you care blow up the affair. If not, send her a text thanking her for telling a mutual friend how she really felt knowing obviously it would it come back you. Then tell her her stuff is in garbage bags outside and to never ever contact you again.


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## Nosmoresmiles (Aug 25, 2017)

sent her a message just to ask her when she would be free to talk about collecting her stuff 

Said she was busy but could call to talk if I wanted her to or she could meet me tomorrow to collect her stuff if I wasn't busy. 

Of course I wanted her to call to talk but I didn't want her to call because I wanted her to I wanted her to call because she wanted to. So I told her it was ok and we could talk tomorrow to arrange a time and wished her a good day. 

Was that a bad thing to say because she then replied with ok fine I'll I will speak to u tomorrow 

It just at this point the mannerism of her message changed its as if I had said something wrong by wishing her a good day and leaving her to her plans.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

Nosmoresmiles said:


> I told her it was ok and we could talk tomorrow to arrange a time and wished her a good day.
> 
> Was that a bad thing to say because she then replied with ok fine I'll I will speak to u tomorrow


Right now you are doing what people on these boards call "The 180", where detachment and indifference are used to try to change a spouse's behavior. This was a manipulation to turn "Come get your stuff" into, "Yes, call me! I want to talk!" You basically responded, "What's there to talk about? Come get your stuff tomorrow." She didn't get the reaction she was hoping for, which is the goal of the 180.

The trick with the 180 is knowing when it's time to stop and start working on your relationship. I don't know anything about you or your wife, and I understand that you are hurting and maybe even a little confused right now. If you want to be married to her, and think that she wants to be married to you then my advice is to stop trying to read between the lines and ask her what she wants. I agree that she has to own both the decision to leave and the decision to come back, assuming that she is. Asking her to come back will allow her to side-step important work that she needs to do. She needs to put the work into healing the hurt that she has caused and put in the work to build a better marriage. That is what a remorseful person should do. Asking for your forgiveness would be a good start, but it doesn't sound like she's ready to do that and is instead trying to get you to ask her to come back.

If you are thinking clearly enough to know what you want and want to reconcile, then open the door on your own terms. It's okay to ask leading questions, like "What is there to talk about?" or even "I think the best way for us to talk is together in marriage counselling."

If you don't want to reconcile then just tell her, "I think that a clean break is the best way to handle this." and leave it at that.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I just looked you over...from afar.

I noticed your 'back' side is very busy. The front side is bereft of activity.

The only front activity is virtual. You talking to us.
.........................................l......................................................

You are a very open person. She is not.
You open your' heart, express your deepest feelings. She does not.....with you.

She said things behind your busy 'back'. She is glad, and so happy to be 'rid' of you.
Gawd, how hurtful.

The fact that she said *it to another person....whom she suspects of leaking it to you, is why she said that "*You hate her".
And you should. 

She has proved herself to be a weak spined rat. Yes, it is OK to know in her heart that she no longer loves you or respects you....this happens in marriage.
It is not OK to tell anyone else this feeling. She has no moral foundation.

I say this with the clear thought that you are not an abuser, or a much bigger rat. If that were the case and her confidant knew this to be true, her statement would merely confirm the truth as seen by her...maybe others that know both of you.

Just Sayin'


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I suspect that she is Gaslighting her friends. Telling them bad things, untrue things to make you out to be the 'bad guy', the jerk that she flicked off the end of her manicured finger.


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