# EA or more in a distant relationship



## sqrt314 (Jun 14, 2011)

Hi all,

It seems like that EA is a pretty popular topic here - all the better, since I have my own desperate need to ask for advice.  

Being married for close to two years, most of it in distant relationship. Met my wife in college, and we dated for a year. I did my bachelors, she worked on her masters. So she is 3 yrs older than me. I moved across country after graduation while she stayed. A year later, we decided to get married. She spent half year living with me, then went back to finish her degree.

All is fine for 1.5yrs. This summer, she is suppose to finish a milestone of her research and start independent research, something she happily talks about every time we chat on phone, and she would happily plan out how we would live together. We usually spend an hour or so phone nightly.

About a month ago, she stopped calling. She would phone maybe once a week or so, at odd times, quite emotionless, just to check up on me, finishing the conversation within about 10 minutes. 

I went to visit her last weekend. On her camera was a recent road trip she undertook with a "friend" whom I had never heard off. She initially denied that she left town at all, until I confronted her with photos. They were hugging in all these photos. She passed it off just as a weekend trip with a friend, and she forgot to tell me about it. Without any more to go on, I let it go. However, I did take a look at her chat records, and it is full of graphical descriptions like "i can smell your scent".

I went further and check our phone records. Easy since we are on same plan. Last month alone, she spent >2000min on phone with the OM, and >600msgs were exchanged. Normally, I'd think this is enough ammo to pull off a confrontation, but it gets strange at this point. :scratchhead:

She created a brand new identity for herself while she is with this friend. She is using the fake name we came up together while creating a junk mail account. From her msgs, I could tell she spun up numerous stories about herself with the OM. Basically, I feel that nothing she said to the OM is true, and this is a wild story for her.

I did some background checking and found out who the guy is. He is also a student, and he is much older than the wifey. He is back to finish businesses degree.

I understand the need for independency in a distant relationship, and the need for friends when we are not with each other. But I feel like she has completely transgressed what is acceptable as just a platonic friendship. Yet I do not know how seriously she is taking this, and I don't know how far they had gone.

She is probably coming to be staying with me for extended period of time by the end of summer. Is she just trying to live the last days of her independency? What is going on?


Desperately needing advice


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

She's nuts.
That's what's going on.
In her head she is not married at all.
You could make her fantasy life a reality for her.
Technically, then she will not be nuts. 
Maybe she could even legally change her name to the one she's been using for her alter-life.
So sorry this happened to you.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Very similar story to mine. It started off as friends, then 500 text messages back and forth in a week, late night convos with OM after she got off the phone with me, spent weekend 10 hours away and denied it, hotel room booked with 1 bed for 2 adults, 20 minutes away from the OM's Airforce base... 

I was in denial for about a month before my heart stopped getting in the way of the obvious. I know, your wife is not like the others, neither was mine. 

She's cheating on you, as did mine. 

I never would have thought it but.... Unfortunately, we married cheaters... Good luck, it's going to be a long emotional road...


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## sqrt314 (Jun 14, 2011)

Major problem right now is that three of us are in three different states. Very little time for face-to-face conversations.

Since I have the contact of the OM, should I call him up?

In their emails, OM very recently referred to W as "partner" - what does that mean?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

You're married, but she's not.


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## findingmyway (May 25, 2011)

agree with F102


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## sqrt314 (Jun 14, 2011)

We had maybe a small argument in the beginning of May about how committed she was to the relationship. It was a heated overnight argument, but I am pretty sure we made up by the end of day and she assured me that we have many years of friendship and support ahead.

We had many fun times afterwards. She came and stayed with me 2~3 weeks late May, and we did the usual share of fun stuff together. I did not detect any changes.

Even now, when I was with her last weekend, she is completely devoted. Either she is a really good actress or I'm still in denial. She even ended up spending an afternoon furniture shopping for the house.

Then she goes around and spends 3 hours on the phone with the dude.

I don't know if she expects there to be a future with the dude. She made up her age, her past, and I don't know if she can fully explain to the other dude all the lies.


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## sqrt314 (Jun 14, 2011)

Could anyone help me with some ideas on how to start the conversation? I feel like this is something that's horrible to talk over the phone...


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

What conversation?
The courts have this thing called 'service'.
Sometimes it's an extra fee, sometimes it's included in the attorney's fees.
That's all the discussion she needs.
She didn't bother to talk to you about what was going on with her, why do you think she's capable of a conversation about this? I mean, one that would be rational and honest.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

This is not just an EA, it has already gone PA. So she goes out of town without telling you, then upon discovery, initially denies it, then there are pictures of her and OM hugging.

Unless they are in grade school, do you honestly believe it didnt go any further than that? Seriously? And at the time she thought you didn't know about it. Kids hug, adults have sex with the OP, and that's how it is. 

Why talk over the phone about this? What about Skype or Yahoo Messenger? You're physically separated but don't have webcams to communicate? Its so much more personal than a faceless phone call. 

You're in such a difficult situation. Even if you were to demand NC, there would be no way at all for you to verify it, short of hiring a PI. And that's probably what you are going to have to do if you have any shot at this, either for R or D. And you can't have her watched forever from a distance. 

You have to decide what you want in your marriage. Long distance marriages that have infidelity involved are too dificult to repair, much less maintain. One of you has to move to be with the other, either you, or her. You also have to find out how long this affair has been going on and if you want to R or D. 

I was in this exact situation in my first marriage. My first wife and I were college sweethearts. I left to join the USAF, while my wife stayed with her parents and continued going to school to finish her engineering degree. I came back and was stationed in another city, but I would drive or catch the bus to see her when I could. Her OM was a classmate. Long story short, I found out about it and demanded NC. She said she did stop contact. But I was in another city, so how would I know? But I did find out eventually.


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## sqrt314 (Jun 14, 2011)

There is still something I don't quite understand.

If she is emotional / physically involved with the OM, she should really be loathing spending any time with me, or any time away from the OM.

Yet she very happily plans out the schedule of vacations she wants to go on with me, plans future with me. Is this all just an act?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

No - it is not uncommon to be in love with two people, or at the very least love two people at the same time. With her changing her identity for the OM, she is clearly living in a fantasy with him, a separate life even. You need to snap her out of this, one way or another, right away. She may decide she likes her OM life more and you have to prepare for this.

It's also possible your wife has a mental disorder. I don't mean any offense by that, but to be completely divided into two lives is not a healthy way to live. You have to make her choose which life she wants. If she picks yours, tell her your conditions, which should include, ending the other life. I agree with whoever said one of you needs to move to be with the other if you want this to work. Clearly the distance thing hasn't worked thus far.


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## sqrt314 (Jun 14, 2011)

I am snooping around her secret email. Appearently these two had a fight, and WW is trying to break off the relationship. 

"I don't think I can keep on doing it..."

She is sending back two sentences replies back to the essay the OM is writing. 

Would this change the situation?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

sqrt314 said:


> I am snooping around her secret email. Appearently these two had a fight, and WW is trying to break off the relationship.
> 
> "I don't think I can keep on doing it..."
> 
> ...


No. Try and read a few OW/OM forums. They very RARELY break it off on their own. It's because it really is an addiction. The secrecy and the forbidden nature of an affair gives them a "rush". Their brains receive doses of adrenaline, dopamine, and other chemicals, while semen absorbed thru the vagina also has feel good chemicals. Some try and try, but they can't. You can see that in some of the threads here. 

Sorry for the mind movie, but yes, to some them affair sex is so hot, sometimes the best they've ever had, even porno style sex. And in an EA, their feelings go very deep that they come so emotionally connected. Look at myflychic's thread. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/26869-how-get-over-forbidden-love.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/27001-i-really-dont-know-what-do.html


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Don't let this go on!!! You have to nip this in the butt immediately!! Just ask her about her relationship with this guy point blank.


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## sqrt314 (Jun 14, 2011)

I think you guys are right...

I tried calling her tonight... She talked in a really low voice, with me can hear windshield wipers in the background.. I think she is on the bus to go see him... then suddenly phone was dead. 

Check her email... she has not logged on at all from her home ip address the past 12 hours...

Is this going to the realm of paranoia?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Your not paranoid. Just filled with anxiety and fear. Completely understandable.


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## sqrt314 (Jun 14, 2011)

I'm going crazy.

I just called the local police asking them if there's any car accidents involving W's car.. they ended up checking up her apt as well, and she just called me back.

Now i'm starting to wonder, is the guy visiting her? 

This still doesn't make sense. She did not mention whether the police contacted her by phone, or they actually visited her. Also, why would it that when I call her it goes straight to voicemail? 

She mentioned that she was out shopping. A two hour shopping trip at midnight? Or she just got off the phone with OM so the police were able to phone in her? Damn ATT, taking forever to update their phone records...

This is the work of devil...


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Ok. NOW your being paranoid. You need to take a step back for a moment and regroup. Go play some x box or farmville (gag) or something.


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## sqrt314 (Jun 14, 2011)

haha, do you play forza racing here?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Lol. Not much time for video games anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Call her, and "accidentally" call her by that assumed name-she'll have kittens!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I think f-102s suggestion is right on! In fact I'd also come in the door and say assumed name I'm home!


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## sqrt314 (Jun 14, 2011)

I do admire this group of people, keeping their sense of humor in spite of what we are going through!

It takes strong nerve to cope with going through an infidel partner, yet still remain strong, and resolved.

I think I need to chill off for a few days before doing something stupid. I'm becoming obsessive in terms of my behaviors, and it is reflecting badly on my professional life as well. 

Last night, I was so sure that the WS had taken a road trip to see the OM. Turned out that the police arrived at her apt to see she just arrived home.

She said in her email that she wanted to break it off. Past 2, 3 days, although they are texting still, maybe 3~4 exchanges per day at most, and phone conversation is down to a single <2min call per day. I am not saying that I will not confront her; I am saying that I need to confront myself, and get myself in shape before talking to her, lest I become too emotional and destroy everything.

We spoke briefly on phone today while she was shopping.. She was telling me that she wants to move down for at least a month or two.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

sqrt314 said:


> She said in her email that she wanted to break it off. Past 2, 3 days, although they are texting still, maybe 3~4 exchanges per day at most, and phone conversation is down to a single <2min call per day. I am not saying that I will not confront her; I am saying that I need to confront myself, and get myself in shape before talking to her, lest I become too emotional and destroy everything.


As long as there is any contact at all, the A is still on. And it WILL heat up again at the first opportunity. Do the 180 to help yourself detach and strengthen yourself. This will calm you down.


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## sqrt314 (Jun 14, 2011)

I throughly read the 180 past few days. I plan to carry it out after she moves in again (1~2wk). Nice guys finish last. It's time to think about myself for a while.

Right now, I'm trying to pull off the change like Lester did in American Beauty. W/O quitting the job, that is. And staying off drugs.


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## sqrt314 (Jun 14, 2011)

YES, I just tried to confront her. Not quite D-day, but definitely operation market garden, and a bridge too far.

She called me, and I asked, get home, and see if this is a good time to talk. I said that because there was VERY loud music in the background, and I assumed she was at a club.

At this point, she got really offended - that I suggested that she wasn't home. She again brought up the fact that my "insecurity" was also the main reason we had the argument back in May (see my earlier response). Before hanging up, she said, stop being a loser and being so insecure.

Now, she hung up before I had a chance to confront her with the "real issues".....


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

You know this is blame shifting, and it's just soooo textbook. She'll say that you're just suspicious and crazy, it becomes gaslighting then. Just tell her that you know and that she can't shift the blame to you and you won't accept her gaslighting. Try not to give up your sources if possible.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Yes, the good guys f***ed up Market Garden, but they still won the war.

Don't give up!


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## sqrt314 (Jun 14, 2011)

Riding the emotional roller coaster....

She is moving in with me for a month. She was getting her studies done earlier than expected, so she will be moving in briefly by this weekend. Fully plan to "man up" while she is here.

NZ, I was trying to open the link for "180" in your post earlier, but the link is broken. Could you please provide it again?

I don't know what she is doing over there.... - she receives a lot of texts from the OM, but she only replied few times past week or so. Phone conversation stopped completely. OTOH, she is still not in touch with me as often, especially in the evening time.

I am highly suspicious of what's going on.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Here you go. You can apply them all, or use the elements that you feel is best suited to your situation. Personally, I don't agree with all of them myself.

The 180​
[Copyrighted content removed by request of copyright holder http://www.divorcebusting.com/]


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## sqrt314 (Jun 14, 2011)

An update here...

We met over the weekend, and we took a road trip down to where I am. So we are living together right now. From the way she is behaving right now, I definitely can feel that she loves me, and definitely is in love with me. A lot of physical intimacy between us.

I had not called her out yet. This means, I did not tell her that I found her phone log, msg logs, email accounts, etc.

However, the very first morning we spent together, she initiated a very long conversation and told me about a "friend" she recently met. She did not mention which friend she was referring to, or any personal details, but i can infer from what she did told me, that this is the OM. During this conversation, she told me that she met a friend whom she found to be extremely talkative, and while bored, they spent a lot of time hanging out. She also mentioned this "friend" to be hard to deal with (in terms of personality) in the long run, and she was done with this friendship. She even explained that she did it all under a nickname.

A lot of the story she told me matches what I read from her emails, and her phone/msg log also confirms that the contact between these two individuals have significantly lessened to a very casual friendship level. (10msgs / week, phone conversations no more than 5min, also unfrequent). 

However, I don't know how much I should trust her just yet. For example, while moving, I found that these two spent quite some time in library studying together. He often logged on his email from her laptop. On her scrap papers, I found these to be passing notes back and forth like elementary school kids. From time to time, the guy would offer his affection. W would write back things like "cute" or "adorable", but she never acknoledge the affection, nor expressed her feeling. 

I don't know if I'm paranoid, but I have a feeling that it might be underground now. In the past two weeks, there were a lot of times that were just "gaps". I could not figure out what she possibily be up to. She left no trace of any electronic identifiable objects, and her car barely put on any milage. Also, adding fishiness to the story, her words used to describe the friendship to the guy - especially why they broke contact - matches word for word the emails they exchanged. I can't help but feel this is a big act, yet I can not find any evidence.

I found that I'm becoming rougher.. and more selfish while having sex. While she did not say anything during the act, afterwards she did acknowledge the fact.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

She is in an affair. The nickname thing is weird. However, it allows her to feel like she is not really cheating. She has two separate lives. The whole hanging up on you when she was at the club was obvious. She could have and should have turned down the music if she was home. She may have been at his place. 

I say runaway. You don't have kids. You don't need this.

It is my understanding she is only living with you for a brief time and back on her way. In this scenario, you are actually the fling and the OM is her steady guy. Think about that.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Of course, it IS possible that she woke up and realized the mistake she had made, and is beating around the bush until she finds a good way to "confess".

But I always think of Reagan: "Trust-but verify."

By all means, call her out-she may already suspect that you know something, but call her out, this will be her "fitness test". See how she reacts. She can go one of two ways:

Remorseful, full of tears, truly sorry for what she did. (Good).

Screaming, yelling, accusing you of invading her privacy, using the classic "Nothing's going on", "We're just friends", "You don't trust me"-type BS. (Bad).


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