# Childhood sexual abuse and adult sex



## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

I read through a list of older topics and didn't find a thread on this. If there is one, will someone direct me to it? If not, I have a question or two.

Are there any ladies out there who have had sexual relationship issues as a result of childhood sexual abuse or incest?

How do you cope with it?

Does your H know about it?


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Yes, and yes. I will PM you.


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Never mind, TAM says that you have opted to not receive PMs.


----------



## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Too bad you are just talking about women here...men suffer with this too. Often women who have been abused will attempt sex, usually a kind of "mercy sex" with a husband or boyfriend as a show of love even though they may have little or no sexual desire due to past trauma. And, doing so gets them one thing all women want and need, even many who are uncomfortable or anxious about sex, and that is intimacy with the partner.

But for men who suffer from this trauma even having mercy sex is impossible because the anxiety caused by getting close completely shuts them down sexually. Sure they could attempt oral or manual stimulation but for men erection and ejaculation is a huge part of sex and many, if they have no sexual desire or have sexual anxiety, (caused by past trauma and intimacy fear) can't achieve this, will simply not bother with any kind of intimacy in or out of the bedroom no matter how much they love their partner.

In other words childhood trauma has a much more dramatic and damaging effect on the adult sex lives of men than it does of women.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Peachy, I am the husband of a child sex abuse survivor. If I can answer any specific questions please ask.

There is an excellent support website for survivors of sex abuse/assault/incest at After Silence - A message board and chat room for survivors of rape and sexual assault. (Powered by Invision Power Board) where you can discuss issues with other survivors. When you register there, identify yourself as a survivor so you can get access to private forums open only to those who identify themselves as survivors.

I am sorry for what you have experienced. Peace and best of luck to you.


----------



## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

Mr. B :I appreciate your comments  And you made a very good point.

Thor: I will check out the link you sent, thanks. I'm a member of a survivor forum that I like, but it doesn't get much action... can wait days for replies and comments, so I'm glad to have an "alternative".

I appreciate your offer for me to ask questions, but, for the purpose of not alienating my awesome BF, I will decline. The only secret I have from him is this website and the only reason I don't share it with him is because I need something that's "mine" where I can be open and honest without feeling that I may hurt or embarrass him in some way. He's been wonderful and really supportive. He's been reading and researching on his own to try and be more helpful. I'm just really struggling right now and I feel like he's the one suffering because of my problem.


----------



## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

Iamaga--thanks for trying to PM me. I turned it off so I wouldn't get emails because this site is my only "secret" and I don't want to make my BF feel any more "on the outside" of my problem than he already does.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Peachy Cat said:


> I'm just really struggling right now and I feel like he's the one suffering because of my problem.


The only thing I would say is to try to change your perspective just a bit. He is suffering, as are you, because of what _somebody else did *to* you_.


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Peachy Cat said:


> Iamaga--thanks for trying to PM me. I turned it off so I wouldn't get emails because this site is my only "secret" and I don't want to make my BF feel any more "on the outside" of my problem than he already does.


you can get pm's and turn off the e-mail option.


----------



## iGuy (Apr 23, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> you can get pm's and turn off the e-mail option.


I would appreciate any and all advice. My wife is a child sex abuse survivor and I need help, since she wants none!

Any advice would help


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

iGuy, welcome. The support forums over on After Silence - A message board and chat room for survivors of rape and sexual assault. (Powered by Invision Power Board) are a good place to get support. You are a secondary survivor, which is someone who is family or friend of a sex abuse survivor. Sign up on that forum as a Secondary Survivor to get access to that subforum.

I always recommend the book "Haunted Marriage" for husbands (or wives) of a sex abuse survivor. It at least gives you some information and perspective.

So the basic questions would be how old are you two, how long have you been married, generically what happened to your wife, how old was she when it happened, who was the perp, has she had any therapy, and did she get any support from family after the abuse? Have you always known about the abuse? What kind of problems are you having in the marriage? Will she talk about it at all? 

Given the little bit you wrote about her not wanting to get any help, the outlook is not so good. Abuse survivors need good therapy to deal with the psychological fallout. The younger she was, the worse the event(s), and the less support she got from family/friends afterward all will make her recovery more difficult. In any case it is not something she can likely deal with effectively by just trying to ignore it.

My advice is that you mostly deal with her on a relationship level. Don't try to help her with getting over the abuse. Don't try to force her into therapy. You can try to nudge her into therapy, and you can offer to be supportive. But other than that I think the best approach is to demand satisfactory behavior in the marriage and family regardless of the underlying possible causes.


----------



## CondorTX19 (Jun 19, 2012)

iGuy I am in the same position with my wife. I understand what it is like at least form my side of things. I didn't know for four years or so after we got married what had happened to her. I couldn't figure out why she didn't ever trust me. She was very insecure and controlling in spite of being a beautiful women with an incredible body. We were going on a trip to Israel in 04 and I asked her mom and step dad to go with us (my treat), as a surprise to my wife, when I told her she exploded on me and said that I had ruined the trip for her. When I pressed her for a reason why she blurted out that I was molested for years by a step dad. SILENCE!! All the sudden everything started to make sense to me. It was a big family secrete and had to stay that way. Well over the years her struggles and depression got worse. The past couple of months she has been seeing a therapist and making some head way, thou it has brought back so many bad memories and feeling that she has had a hard time dealing with them all. We manage to have sex once every three to four weeks and this is in spite of her not wanting to. I feel guilty for wanting to have sex when I know it will make her feel bad. She is talking about stopping her therapy for a while because she thinks its being to hard on our relationship. She says she can't turn the switch on and off form being the little girl that got raped some many times to the loving wife that she wants to be. The offenders are still part of our life thou no contact in the past few months esp the mom. The step dad did apologize to my wife for the "relationship". I wanted to F-ing scream what do you mean!!! There was no relationship, you Molested and Raped her for years starting when you were 24 and she was 6. He even told me when we first met that she had mental problems, "still lying about it years later" my wife is 41 now and it is just like it happened yesterday. The victims get stuck at the age of the abuse in a sense, She feel ashamed, embarrassed, and all the things victims feel. I could go on but I just found this forum today in my search for finding help for myself our relationship. I want it to last and I cherish her for just who she is. sorry for the long post. Hang in there and try to be open with your feelings with you wife and have her try to do the same. It is hard but it will help. I am trying to encourage my wife in every way I can imagine. would be glad to share privately as well.


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

The Sexual Healing Journey: Amazon.ca: Wendy Maltz: Books

This book helped me a lot. Read it with your wife.
IC is needed so that you can discuss your difficulties with your wife's past. I know how disclosure of abuse affects a marriage. 

My husband knows about my abuse and he is very sad that I had to go through that. He helps me see that I am not damaged or dirty for what I have survived. I needed years of therapy to learn to relate sexually in a manner which was not self-destructive.

As a teenager, I wanted to be a nun so that I would never have to be physically intimate. I was so disgusted and traumatized by what happened to me at age seven that I completely closed off from sex. I was sexually assaulted at age nineteen and after being with a very gentle and patient man, I became promiscuous. I attracted men who only saw me as a sex object or those who were too pushy in bed. I had no self worth and I thought that all I was good for was sex. 

When I met my husband, he was the only man I had ever been with who never pressured me into sex or treated me badly after we made love. My husband's patience made me feel comfortable enough to open my heart and experience true lovemaking-I even tried certain sex acts that I never wanted to do with anyone else and this was all of my own volition. Sometimes my husband reminds me not to be crass about sex;he does not like profanity used to describe our sexual relationship. 

I still have some issues which will never go away, not even with time or therapy. I have severe difficulties with pap smears and one of the reasons my husband had a vasectomy is I have a very strong fear of pregnancy and childbirth. Apparently these phobias are common in women who have been sexually abused. It is about not having any control over a process which involves our sex organs.

Try to be as supportive as you can, but remember to look after yourself too.


----------



## CondorTX19 (Jun 19, 2012)

Thank you for the book suggestion 1styear I will buy it and read it with my wife. I know I have to be patient with her and that the issues won't go away in a month or a year. I just hope she doesn't shut back down due to the uneasiness of the work her therapist is having her do. A lot of it is memory work. She has total loss of memory for years of her of her life during the time of the molestations and rapes. Bad and Good memories both are gone. This scares her very much. She is afraid to remember esp. knowing how bad the memories that she does have are. She has shared with me what she remembers of about 8-10 of the rapes and molestations. There was severe mental abuse as well, like I will hurt you, your family, etc if you tell. I will blame you and people will think you dirty.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Condor, welcome aboard.


----------



## CondorTX19 (Jun 19, 2012)

Thank You Thor


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Peachy Cat said:


> Mr. B :I appreciate your comments  And you made a very good point.
> 
> Thor: I will check out the link you sent, thanks. I'm a member of a survivor forum that I like, but it doesn't get much action... can wait days for replies and comments, so I'm glad to have an "alternative".
> 
> I appreciate your offer for me to ask questions, but, for the purpose of not alienating my awesome BF, I will decline. The only secret I have from him is this website and the only reason I don't share it with him is because I need something that's "mine" where I can be open and honest without feeling that I may hurt or embarrass him in some way. He's been wonderful and really supportive. He's been reading and researching on his own to try and be more helpful. I'm just really struggling right now and I feel like he's the one suffering because of my problem.


I am the ex-husband of a childhood sexual abuse survivor. It is fair to say that this and other childhood issues impacted her self-esteem and left her susceptible to poor relationship choices. Further, her sexual and trust difficulties permeated the entire marriage and ultimately led to its collapse.

I applaud you for proactively seeking help rather than trying to sweep it under the rug and pretend that there is no problem or that the problems are someone else's. However, everything I've read indicates that sexual problems tend to intensify over time as the relationship develops and increasingly includes sex. Also, these problems can pop up unexpectly when you think you have it under control. Finally it can be difficult to overcome, and nearly impossible to overcome without professional therapy.

So, while it's good you are exploring here, I would urge you to get professional help. Trust me - it can get really, really bad for you and any partner you have, to the extent that the thought of anyone else going to the same thing is troubling to me.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

iGuy said:


> I would appreciate any and all advice. My wife is a child sex abuse survivor and I need help, since she wants none!
> 
> Any advice would help


I feel for you iGuy.

The only advice I can give to you, cold as it sounds, is assume that things will, at best, remain as they are now and potentially worsen as the effects of the CSA continue to bother her. Note that while it is sad this happened, it is not your responsibility to coddle her and essentially pay the price for the abuse someone else committed. Each of the three counselors I have spoken to about this says it is the survivor's responsibility to overcome, act appropriately, and bring a healthy self to the relationship.

Understand that she has made a conscious decision your needs and her responsibilities as your wife are not as important as her avoidance of discomfort. This sense might exist in the non-sexual realm too. For instance, you might find she spends excessively to soothe her anxieties, or that her parenting is ability is diminished. And, you might find that she comes to equate you with her abusers if you insist on being treated well.

If you had a crystal ball and saw that your entire marriage would be the way it is now (if not worse), what would you do differently? Tiptoe around her less? Detach and do more for yourself? Refuse to have kids or major financial commitments with her? Insist on therapy for her (i.e. an ultimatum) or refuse to stay married at all? That is what you need to do now.


----------



## Silly Husband (Aug 30, 2010)

Peachy Cat, I hope you get responses that give you hope and encouragement. As a 'secondary' survivor myself, I'm pulling for you!

FWIW, my wife 'revealing' her childhood abuse to me put a lot of things in perspective for me. We are doing much better since she started therapy.

@ Thor and FYD - Thanks for the resources. Wish you both well.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

DTO said:


> The only advice I can give to you, cold as it sounds, is assume that things will, at best, remain as they are now and potentially worsen as the effects of the CSA continue to bother her. Note that while it is sad this happened, it is not your responsibility to coddle her and essentially pay the price for the abuse someone else committed. Each of the three counselors I have spoken to about this says it is the survivor's responsibility to overcome, act appropriately, and bring a healthy self to the relationship.
> 
> Understand that she has made a conscious decision your needs and her responsibilities as your wife are not as important as her avoidance of discomfort. This sense might exist in the non-sexual realm too. For instance, you might find she spends excessively to soothe her anxieties, or that her parenting is ability is diminished. And, you might find that she comes to equate you with her abusers if you insist on being treated well.
> 
> If you had a crystal ball and saw that your entire marriage would be the way it is now (if not worse), what would you do differently? Tiptoe around her less? Detach and do more for yourself? Refuse to have kids or major financial commitments with her? Insist on therapy for her (i.e. an ultimatum) or refuse to stay married at all? That is what you need to do now.


Yes this is sad but it is also quite common, at least as far as what is common on support forums. There may be a huge population of CSA survivors who have spontaneous recoveries and wonderful marriages. We would not be aware of those cases because they would not be on support forums....

But I think that the reality for many many women survivors is as you describe it DTO. The deterioration will happen if she does not get therapy. The psychological side effects of the abuse will contaminate her behavior in all areas of her life just as you describe. Having children will likely trigger further and deeper issues.

I have great sympathy for what my wife experienced as a child, and great sadness for the anguish she has suffered her entire adult life because of it. But all that sympathy doesn't change how she is or how she interacts with me, her kids, and the rest of the world.


----------



## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I'm just glad that your BF is understanding and is willing to work with you on your issues. That means a lot, trust me.


----------



## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

minimalme, thank you for your honesty and a "high five" to you for figurin' it out and makin' it work for you! I have come a really long way, but I used to have a huge phobia of using the restroom unless I was AT HOME... caused all kinds of problems. That was one of the things I remember about realizing I was actually getting better/healing: I can, if I really need to go badly, use a public restroom.

I'm not currently seeking professional help, though I have in the past and plan to again. I'm not making excuses to put it off; there are extenuating circumstances and extra money for counseling just isn't there right now. I had a great counselor for several years and I did learn some ways to cope better, so it hasn't been completely horrible.

Thank you for the helpful links and especially the posts from the partners of survivors. 

I agree 100% that the survivor must consider other peoples' feelings and not get so wrapped up in themselves. Struggles are struggles and everybody's got 'em! I am blessed to have a truly wonderful BF who is working with me, reading about my struggles and reading on his own about taking care of himself and not getting consumed by my whirlwind of ups and downs. He's amazing. I'm the luckiest woman in the world.


----------



## InspectorGadget (Jun 21, 2012)

I am a male sexual abuse survivor. I believe that my reaction is quite the opposite of what was posted on the first page. I have always been hyper-sexual and I believe it stems from the abuse I was subjected to as an adolescent.


----------



## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

Every survivor is unique and their circumstances are unique to them, so everyone reacts differently to the abuse. There are some behavioral patterns with survivors, but there are not "text book" reactions.

InspectorG: I'm sorry you were abused.


----------



## MrsDoubtfire (Jun 24, 2012)

I was abused as a child. My uncle has a mental handicap of some kind but knows wrong from right as he can can have a job etc but is not quite right. He molested me , several times and I never told anyone. I was ashamed. As i got older,i knew no one would believe that this man would do harm a child as he seemed harmless. Some older cousins had the courage to talk about their abuse by him ,in their teens and I still would not open up but stopped blaming myself. I was very wary of male relatives, I did not like hugs in my early teens , I just believed any relative could not be trusted. I made peace with it in my late teens before having sex, I cried a lot but i grew to accept it as past. My first adult experiences sexually were bad, I did not enjoy them but taught myself to enjoy sex. By the end of my 20th year, I was enjoying sex and never really think about my past as I cannot change it. It tormented my childhood and teens and i cannot let it torment me as an adult. I know we are all different and would like to encourage others and hope you get over the darkness that child abuse carries.


----------



## MrsDoubtfire (Jun 24, 2012)

InspectorGadget said:


> I am a male sexual abuse survivor. I believe that my reaction is quite the opposite of what was posted on the first page. I have always been hyper-sexual and I believe it stems from the abuse I was subjected to as an adolescent.


Sorry you were abused. I too believe im hypersexual because of abuse. I did not enjoy my first experiences as an adult but when i started enjoying sex.,I developed a very high appetite for it.


----------



## H-J (Oct 3, 2013)

Peachy Cat said:


> I read through a list of older topics and didn't find a thread on this. If there is one, will someone direct me to it? If not, I have a question or two.
> 
> Are there any ladies out there who have had sexual relationship issues as a result of childhood sexual abuse or incest?
> 
> ...


Dear Peachy Cat

Are you still on the site? If so, let me know. I have had a lot of issues re sex and sexual intimacy in my marriage due to inappropriate behaviour from my father in my childhood. I am embarking on a journey towards healing. If you'd like to chat, let me know. PS I told my husband everything before we got married. H-J


----------



## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

It's both sad and comforting to see this many survivors and partners on a marriage board. I'm a survivor married to another survivor. Sometimes if each of us is in our own flashback, feelings wave or just a little triggered, we have trouble being supportive of the other. Remembering that it's an injury helps; sometimes the injured have to care for themselves before they can help others. 

Nurturing gratitude helps some too (in addition to weekly therapy)

I'll add another web site and book to the arsenal:
Rape & Sexual Abuse Survivor Message Board, Online Support & Chat Room (the link to their forums is there too.)

and the book _Ghosts in the Bedroom_ is good for partners to help them see and cope with the lingering effects.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I haven't had any sexual abuse but I was in a long term relationship with a guy before who was
sexually abused several times by several different people, but you would never know it. Didn't seem to 
effect him sexually at all and he had not had any therapy either. I would have never guessed until he told me. I guess it effects people differently.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

