# Considering seperation from this loveless relationship



## Johnboy (Apr 18, 2011)

Hi , im in need of help .
Ive known my partner since we were kids , we have been together on and of for twenty or so yrs and living together since the birth of our second child of 12 yrs , all up we have 4 children including our twin boys aged 20 mnths .There is no love no intimacy in fact i sleep in our 12 yr olds bed because my partner snores , my 12 yr old sleeps wih her mum and has done for a few yrs now , unfortunately denying our 12 yr old her own space .My partner works 3 days a week me at the moment am in between jobs , but in saying that i do ,do all the house work ,cook tea etc etc i do everyhthing and i should when im home .But the problems i have about are about no love no sex , my partner makes the decisions regrding the house hold affairs , handles the money not well i might add she has gotten us over our heads in debt , she dicided to get a dog for our daughter and made the desicion by herself (i wasnt against a dog altogether just wanted a smaller dog ) but anyway in all cases in this household my partner runs the show but swears she doesnt .Another example, we have baskets and baskets of toys for the twin boys enough to start a day care centre really ,but she just keeps on accepting toys from poeple and all these decisions are making a real impact on the happiness of this house , it just add to the workload and frustration for me and the peace of the house , she just doesnt get it .I have gone to my mothers a couple of times to have a break and each time she rings up and says all these wonderfull things she is going to do to change things , so i think ok things are going to change , this will happen , that will happen so i go back and nothing changes , this has been like a broken record for years now , im not happy and i dont want to be a miserable person or father for my twin boys as they grow up wanting a dad that has some zest for life without my partner going na u cant go camping for this reason or that or no you cant do this (i really dont know how i have allowed myself to be so controlled) I was considering suicide before my boys came along and still suffer from depression and take anti-depressants (suffered from depression for a good 10-15 yrs) If i leave i leave with nothing , i,ll have to move into my mothers with nothing .I just dont know what to do , we arnt a couple , my life is sliding past and i deny myself even time with my family because she wants me here to take the burden off her , regarding our twin boys , she has no consideration of me having a life or wants , she just cares about how things affect her ie: if i go out she,ll have the boys by herself (they are a handlefull sometimes) ,I guess i just want to know what should i do ? Thankyou very much for any replies .


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I really feel for you. However I am going to give it to you straight.

You have allowed your self to become a doormat and you have no self respect so she does not respect you.

Firstly and most importantly, go and get a job. It doesn't matter where, it doesn't matter what you are doing, just work at something and earn some money. She will not respect you if you do not earn something and contribute to the household in this way. Get dressed up nicely every day, write a new resume and hit the pavement and find something.

Secondly, move the 12 year old out of the bed and into her room and you move back into the bedroom. It is not Ok that you do share a bedroom, it is very important that couples have time alone to be intimate and connect.

it is great that you do things around the house and parent your children. Keep doing things like that, but only do your fair share, do not do everything.

Do not allow her to treat you badly or speak to you badly. Stand up for your self without being a jerk about it. If you stand up for your self (that does not mean turning everything into an argument or being cold towards her), just stand firm and then she will respect you and her attraction to you may return.

That's just for a start. I think you have a lot of work to do on your self. stop waiting for her to change and change your self, let her know where your boundaries are and mean it.


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## Johnboy (Apr 18, 2011)

Thankyou for your reply ,and thanks for being straight ,the main reason i guess ive become a doormat is because she knows how much i love the kids and how damn hard it is to leave because of that , she knows as a female she holds all the cards , she,ll get the house the furniture and the kids , thats just a fact .

"Firstly and most importantly, go and get a job"
"She will not respect you if you do not earn something"
We were goin through the same stuff when i worked at Skycity Adelaide Picking up ppl feaces as a cleaner or weather i was Manager at Qantas Adelaide Airport .
I am at the moment not sitting around but getting my heavy truck licence and should be back in work by the end of may . Not contributing is bad and i hate it , but i was working as a manager when i had to give up work so as to help her with the twins , she couldnt cope , now were financially screwed because she couldnt do it alone .And yer now i do everything for the kids while she on her days off lays on the couch all day .
Yer so the reason im still here , i love the kids , i,ll leave with nothing .Is it so hard to imagine that a father loves his kids to bits and that theres woman out there that will use this against them ?
"her attraction to you may return" its the other way around i need sex i want sex but im not sexually attracted to her anymore , i mean she most of the time doesnt bother shaving her legs , she has no pride in her appearance , and wears rags during the day , i on the other hand take great pride in my appearance .Ive told her many times what is wrong with this relaitionship but nothing moves her .
Yer im in a rut and just need to leave i guess ..


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

JB,
It is great you are getting licensed so you can get back to work. Once you start working I would suggest you get very specific with her about what needs to happen. Did you move out of the bedroom because she snores or did she ask you to leave the bedroom? If you moved out, buy some ear plugs and move back in. Read the "man up and nice guy" threads here. 

Don't speak of your W as "all powerful" and "holding all the cards". If you get a decent job she will WANT you to be happy enough to stay. A good income is a BIG card. 

Work on being more fun to be around. Seriously. Being upbeat and playful with the kids and with her is a HUGE deal. That would be card number 2. 

Make a list of chores and split it up fairly and politely but firmly insist that she do her share. 

Find something the two of you like to do together. Could be anything - playing frisbee. Ideally it will be something physical. 



Johnboy said:


> Hi , im in need of help .
> Ive known my partner since we were kids , we have been together on and of for twenty or so yrs and living together since the birth of our second child of 12 yrs , all up we have 4 children including our twin boys aged 20 mnths .There is no love no intimacy in fact i sleep in our 12 yr olds bed because my partner snores , my 12 yr old sleeps wih her mum and has done for a few yrs now , unfortunately denying our 12 yr old her own space .My partner works 3 days a week me at the moment am in between jobs , but in saying that i do ,do all the house work ,cook tea etc etc i do everyhthing and i should when im home .But the problems i have about are about no love no sex , my partner makes the decisions regrding the house hold affairs , handles the money not well i might add she has gotten us over our heads in debt , she dicided to get a dog for our daughter and made the desicion by herself (i wasnt against a dog altogether just wanted a smaller dog ) but anyway in all cases in this household my partner runs the show but swears she doesnt .Another example, we have baskets and baskets of toys for the twin boys enough to start a day care centre really ,but she just keeps on accepting toys from poeple and all these decisions are making a real impact on the happiness of this house , it just add to the workload and frustration for me and the peace of the house , she just doesnt get it .I have gone to my mothers a couple of times to have a break and each time she rings up and says all these wonderfull things she is going to do to change things , so i think ok things are going to change , this will happen , that will happen so i go back and nothing changes , this has been like a broken record for years now , im not happy and i dont want to be a miserable person or father for my twin boys as they grow up wanting a dad that has some zest for life without my partner going na u cant go camping for this reason or that or no you cant do this (i really dont know how i have allowed myself to be so controlled) I was considering suicide before my boys came along and still suffer from depression and take anti-depressants (suffered from depression for a good 10-15 yrs) If i leave i leave with nothing , i,ll have to move into my mothers with nothing .I just dont know what to do , we arnt a couple , my life is sliding past and i deny myself even time with my family because she wants me here to take the burden off her , regarding our twin boys , she has no consideration of me having a life or wants , she just cares about how things affect her ie: if i go out she,ll have the boys by herself (they are a handlefull sometimes) ,I guess i just want to know what should i do ? Thankyou very much for any replies .


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Johnboy said:


> Thankyou for your reply ,and thanks for being straight ,the main reason i guess ive become a doormat is because she knows how much i love the kids and how damn hard it is to leave because of that , she knows as a female she holds all the cards , she,ll get the house the furniture and the kids , thats just a fact .
> 
> "Firstly and most importantly, go and get a job"
> "She will not respect you if you do not earn something"
> ...


OK, I admire you for leaving to help with the twins, and for doing what you can to get back to work.

I agree with what MEM said. 

Also maybe let her know that she is very attractive, but does not appeal to you any more because she makes no effort. However instead of attacking Let her know what you find sexy and praise her on any efforts she makes. Tell her things like, "You have sexy legs, i love it when they are nice and smooth", or "your hair is beautiful, remember when you used to wash it and wear it down, you looked so sexy".


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## Johnboy (Apr 18, 2011)

Yer i dunno , i just dont find her sexually attractive no more , we arn't on the same page and im here for the kids only and the fear of having to start over with "nothing" like i said she runs the house and has run it into the ground financially and other ways , heres one example our 21 yr old daughter , was well 17 when things wern't adding up with her supposed outings ,ie : she dressed for work i dropped her of at work , picked her up afterwards , her boss rang the next day to ask were she was , a couple of other incidents led me to believe she was seeing an older man , i talked to my partner and of course she said i didnt trust my daughter and that i had things all wrong , but i "knew"otherwise , i was proven right awhile later when she finally admitted after catching her out time and time again that she was seeing a 33 yr old drug addict loser .
This is just one example of me "seeing"things that my partner cannot , now i had to put up with arguments etc etc , her telling me that i had something against my daughter and her siding with my daughter over my intuition about things not being right , thats just one example of how far we are off the mark as far as listening to each other , now this extentds through everything , she went out and bought a washing machine without consulting me and has done the same on numerous other occasions .My point is this i am insignificant in this house , my opinions mean nothing ÿes i have told her how i feel " and she denies that im insignificant but her actions speak otherwise .
I believe and ive told her that she wants me here soley to take the brunt of looking after the boys , i bath them she never does , when one of our sons needed full body wet wraps because of bad eszema it was me that went through it a couple of times a day so as to relieve his symptoms , my partner if i wasnt to do it would of left him you know she is just damn lazy and ive told her so , i get to the point were i go to my mothers(leaving) and she rings and makes all these fantastic promises of how things are going to change , but thet dont , ppl say yer be a man about it , i am at the point and she knows it that i will leave thats my options on "being a man" because otherwise it means arguing in front of our kids until she gets the point , i dont understand what ppl say by being a man because she will argue and argue and argue ,i backdown to keep the peace not because im not a man .my option on being a man is that my boys will suffer , i will suffer and she knows it , she knows my heart is invloved and that it id hard for me to leave .


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## Rough Patch Sewing (Apr 18, 2011)

Johnboy, if things are still the same and you still do not have your license yet to work then the best thing that you can do for your boys and your relationship with your partner is to get to the bottom of why your partner is treating you with no respect. If you know why, great! If you do not know why, get to the bottom of it. 

If she has lost respect for you, then if you find out why, then you can open up a dialogue that will make your process of becoming assertive and a bread winner much easier. If you just start acting like the tyrant of the house then you are setting up a power struggle that you may not want in your current situation. However, asserting your position of authority with clear "take charge" initiative and strategy is a must! I give tips for communication and negotiation in my articles,  50-50 Marriage and  Marriage in Crisis. It looks like you need a point of leverage and understanding. Negotiation tactics may help, for more information on negotiating within a marriage check out this as well,  4 Guidelines of Successful Negotiation. I hope that it works!


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## Rough Patch Sewing (Apr 18, 2011)

Johnboy,
Any news on whether or not you are any more, less, or the same not attracted to your partner? Or to put it another way, are you now more attracted to your partner? That's a big question only you can answer. I hope that something gets better in that department.


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