# Is love a choice?



## Quaker (Feb 18, 2013)

After reading some of the other threads, particularly, "A cheater doesn't love you, or doesn't understand what love is," I got to wondering about all the definitions of love. I've not heard the ILYBINILWY from my WH, but I feel it's in there somewhere.

Having been married before, to yet another WS, I began to look at my reactions to every romantic relationship I've ever had. There always came a point when I knew it wasn't working any longer. At first, perhaps, I was disappointed in my love interest's decision-making skills. Or maybe his treatment of others, usually excluding me. I'd begin to build this unconscious scoreboard of reasons to stay with this person...and reasons to leave. Betrayal was never an easy one on that scoreboard, but it sure pushed my attention to the conscious level. 

No matter how passionately a relationship began, I believe a point came in which I CHOSE to love this person. I chose to accept certain flaws as acceptable, because let's face it, we all have them. I chose to overlook the lesser things and focus on the greater. Admiration...or lust...sometimes came to be trust and respect...and love. But I feel that I chose those feelings whether I wanted to admit it at the time or not. 

I also chose when it was time to say good-bye. That didn't always coincide with the ending of the relationship. I mourned the end of my marriage to my children's father for 2 years before I even thought about dating. (Another choice, of course.) It took a life-threatening car accident to pull my head out of my a$$. I took a look at my life and realized that I had chosen to hang on to "What did I do wrong that he couldn't love me?" The truth was that I had done nothing wrong at all. He had chosen the path of infidelity which ended our marriage. He chose.

So, I guess I'm wondering now where do most of you fall in thoughts about whether or not we choose to love someone? In any case, how does that affect our thoughts about infidelity and what that means to our relationships. I think that it goes without saying that it's a betrayal. 

I don't think a relationship gets to this point with one simple action. I think it depends upon all the actions (choices) of both spouses from the beginning. That doesn't mean that we get to make excuses for the BS or the WS. 

Somewhere in the middle of this is the truth to why so many of us are here.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Well, here's my simplified answer: Love, by my belief, is an *action*. A verb. Something that is tangible in some way. It can be displays of affection, surprises, gifts, date nights, pillow talk, etc. But it is still something you DO.

When you choose not to do those things anymore, you are no longer showing love or being loving.

"Feeling" love is something I relate a lot less to. I prefer to identify it as feeling affectionate, connected, etc.

I don't know why, but this has always been my point of view on it. When actions aren't congruent with words it is too difficult to still call it love, or believe it is lurking in the background somewhere.

So literally, yes. You can choose who you love. You choose how much of yourself you let the other person see and know. You regulate how vulnerable you are, etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

In much of this world, and throughout most of history, marriages are/were arranged for various reasons. While this goes against our modern romantic sensibilities, it is a fact that most marriages were planned in advance. Couples were expected to learn to love one another, there was no "soul mate". There was no E harmony dot com. There were no singles bars. Which way is better? That's another thread, but I believe you choose to love someone. When the brain chemicals fade, you're left with a choice. Of course although this choice would best made before you get married, it's usually not, and a few years down the road you wonder who the heck you're really married to. And many go looking for the chemical induced relationships that seem like "true love". Thus you have forums like this.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Love is not a choice. Love is a feeling, an emotion that compels one to action. You can choose to act lovingly towards someone and love may develop but that is not choosing love. The love is a consequence of the neural chemistry in your brain and it can be there in varying degrees. Your interactions with people will result in neural connections some of which may result in love of different types. (see my link Fog v love in my sig). There is no guarantee that these connections will form or if they exist will remain strong. Choosing to be with someone can facilitate the creation of the connections but it doesn't mean they will actually develop.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

Love is a choice. Attraction is not. The latter is the conscious and unconscious recognition of positive sexual stimuli in the person or action of another. The former is the desire for that which is most beneficial for the object of that love. Perhaps if we focused more on love and less on attraction, infatuation or the myth of "romantic love" this forum would be a ghost town.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Love is the addiction arising from the chemistry produced by the attraction. When you see your love object you get a dose of dopamine (among other chemicals) which acts similarly to cocaine. The response to the addiction is all of the typical love actions. You can't choose to get a squirt of dopamine. It happens or it doesn't.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I believe love is a choice. I went out with a number of different girls and I believe I could have married almost anyone of them. I think this is the reason arranged marriages often work. 

If the other person is committed and a good person, and you are committed and a good person, then you can love each other and enjoy life together. You have to have some things in common and common morals/goals but you don't have to be in love. You can choose to love.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

The power of love is that it's a choice. Out of all the billions of people on earth, they chose you. I also think when you meet someone you are attracted to, you make a decision, to pursue or not pursue. That is choice.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

i chose to stay and love my wife.
but i didnt choose to love her. i just do.
if that makes sense.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

We can avoid the arguing about the nature of love if we just agree than being a decent, honest human being takes priority over whatever feeling you're overwhelmed with at any moment.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

I believe love is a choice. Love isn't always, pretty, frilly, sexy, cozy and warm...Love is a challenge to have and sustain your decisions made with "integrity"...if you had any in the first place or are growing some.


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

*This post doesn't go anywhere, I`ll edit or delete later, skip to my next post. *

Limerence, Dopamine, Oxytocine, brain chemistry, hormones etc., are the things that tell us to go do a thing with someone. Our lower brain is working here. We have no choice, it is our nature.

Our lower brain is always on the look out for a good f0ck, that`s its job if it is healthy, nothing wrong about that.

But lower brain is a little stupid, what it can not comprehend is, we cannot bent over every woman we saw and f0ck them on the spot, (sisters... I am writing this from a male perspective, it is pretty much same for your lower brain too I guess).

Lower brain says, DO IT (almost always).

Anything takes longer then a lizards memory, comprehension (lower brain) involves upper brain.


Then upper brain either does it or not. This is what we call CHOICE. Our upper brain makes us act act the way we act at the end.


Conciense probably resides in upper brain and upper brain does work by CHOICES.

Upper brain, being smarter, can effect and regulate lower brain.

I can (my upper brain) put my wife on a pedestal and lust (lower brain) only for her. This is really convenient but, so called, deeper love comes with it too. More convenience.

It is a CHOICE, It is like grocery shopping. If we shop by our lower brain, women would fill the cart by chocolate and men by beer (i.e. f0ck all the woman we encounter, as if we can). But our upper brain regulates the lower part and makes us to buy organics and healthy food.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

SweetAndSour said:


> makes us to buy organics and healthy food.


Speak for yourself. I drive a V8 SUV and eat Unicorns for breakfast and sometimes I roast up Bambi for lunch.


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

We all need to be in love, no choice there.

Choice we may have is with whom and how. 

My choices today makes me what to like, who to love tomorrow. So I have to have some control and CHOICE on whether, how and who do I love.


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

ing said:


> Speak for yourself. I drive a V8 SUV and eat Unicorns for breakfast and sometimes I roast up Bambi for lunch.


Man....

Devil himself buys organics these days.

I don`t know about the unicorns and bambis but as soon as I upgrade my drivers license I am applying for a driver`s position at karma bus company. 

As a raging BS I am not operating on "thou shalt not harm" principle these days, how does unicorn taste?


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Just wondering how you account for not having the feeling of 'wanting' EVERY woman bent over for me? That isn't a choice for me, but it IS part of lower brain function.


It is not an exact quote of what I wrote. 

Can you help me understand better ? I don`t speak English everyday.


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