# Moving on after separation?



## Andy26599 (Mar 16, 2012)

my wife and I separated (her decision) just after new year…I've been on here previously regarding my relationship with my wife, and the problems we've had...anyway, that came to head and I was asked to leave just after new year...so I've been trying to reconcile, we have 3 young kids, and despite our problems, I love my wife. However she's been reluctant to engage in any sort of discussions about getting back together, refusing marriage counselling. Anyway, I know she's been messaging a guy she used to work with years back, who she coincidentally met again on New Years Eve while I was at home looking after the children...she said they were just friends, and I believed her...

I've since found out that while I had 2 of my 3 kids over to stay at my sisters (I'm currently living back with my parents, but there's no room for me to have the kids) she had this other bloke round to my house (which I still pay the mortgage for, in full, along with utilities, etc), and lied about it, I only found out when I found a load of beer bottles in the recycling bin and confronted her about it. She basically said I was being paranoid, and they were just friends.

This has been going on for about 2 months now, with me wondering where she is going, and who she is going with whenever I go round to see the kids and she goes out. Most of the time, I can corroborate where she is going, but when I'm not there, is he coming round? I don't know.

Last night, she was ordering stuff on Amazon via her phone, and it needed me to sign in...as I was doing that, a message popped up from this other bloke, stupidly, I read it, and others that they'd sent to each other, and it was basically, in a shortened version, about how he loved her naked body, and her replying about him having it any time he wanted, and other stuff that made me feel physically sick to read...I confronted her about it, again, and she said it was just "flirting". I've been out of the dating game for a while now, but that, to me, doesn't seem like flirting, that seems like an affair...she still swears blind that she hasn't even kissed him, but I find this increasingly hard to believe...especially after reading what I read last night...

It's starting to consume my every waking thought...the thought of someone else being intimate with the woman I still love tears me apart, even the thought of her texting some of the things she wrote makes me feel ill...I just dont see how I can ever get away from it...I'm still there most evenings to see the kids, and I have them weekends while she works, so I feel as though I can't escape this, no matter how much I want to...

Part of me wants to get out there, and start picking up women to get revenge, but I'm not in the right place in my head for that, and I still have too much respect for myself, and strangely her, to even contemplate seeing someone else while I'm still married, even though she clearly has no such respect for me...

I'm currently stuck in a cycle of self loathing and have completely lost my confidence and self esteem, and I just can't see a way out of it...Is there a way out of feeling like this?


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

You don't really believe her do you? Move back home and boot her sorry cheating azz out.


----------



## Andy26599 (Mar 16, 2012)

I did believe her up until yesterday...now, I certainly don't...

If the kids weren't there, I'd have done exactly that, but there's no way with my work that I can have the kids there with me, and there's no way she can afford to get anywhere big enough for the kids...

At the moment, I'm just trying to concentrate on paying off some debts, and then get myself a place sorted so I can have the kids, and just try and put her out of my mind as best I can and concentrate on the kids...


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

She's having an affair and likely has been for a while. Think back to when the problems began escalating and you'll likely know when it started. She has to turn you into a monster in her mind in order to justify her actions with this guy.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Thound said:


> You don't really believe her do you? Move back home and boot her sorry cheating azz out.


Agreed. I would move back in right away before he starts leaving his toothbrush in your bathroom.


----------



## Andy26599 (Mar 16, 2012)

I know for a fact she only "reconnected" with him at new year...

We have had our problems before he came along, but I cant help but think that having him there in the background has made her mind up, so to speak...

She claims we broke up because we no longer made each other happy, which is, I suppose, partially true, we were starting to argue much more, but it seems to be all about the things "I" didn;t do, rather than her admitting any blame in the marriage breakdown...

Regardless of the reasons why we split up, I just find it a real kick in the teeth that she can be so quick to move on to someone else...and then to lie about it to my face...


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Andy, you said she used to work with him. How long ago? I would bet something started back then and you just didn't notice.


----------



## Andy26599 (Mar 16, 2012)

bfree said:


> Andy, you said she used to work with him. How long ago? I would bet something started back then and you just didn't notice.


8 years ago, before we met...


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Andy Expose when you have proof Don't make it easy for them

Return Home and carry a VAR with you

55


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Andy

Move back home.

See a lawyer and start the process.

If your wife wants out of the marriage then make her work for it.

And if you two are not legally separated then do it before your wife gets knocked up by the OM.

Go home now.

She can screw around at his place. On his dime.

HM


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Did you save and secure any of the texts that you saw ? This is very much a PA and like the others have said, more than likely started a long time ago when she made your life a hell. 8 years ago they probably were together and she may have sealed the relationship (probably having already slept with him) once you were on your way out.

Go back home and secure any evidence you find. Use VARs as per weightlifters famous thread on evidence gathering etc.

She is playing you left, right and centre at the moment and is very disrespectful doing it in your home, your bed and possibly with your kids around!!!


----------



## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

Andy, it is disappointing to see how you allow your wife to treat you. It’s totally unbelievable and disheartening. You’ve written that her treatment of you has brought down your self-esteem and I believe that. No confident and self-assured person would endure this abuse for as long as you have.

You are in a terrible marriage with someone who has treated you terribly for years. Your wife has no respect for you and I can see why because you are a milquetoast of a man who bows to her commands and allow her to constantly disrespect you. You have allowed her to dictate your actions, your marriage, your emotions and your sense of self-worth. Do you know bad it is that she’s had you cry yourself to sleep?

I say the following not to offend you but to bring it to your realization. You are in a sad, pathetic state. However you are not as worthless and a ‘waste of space’ as you have allowed yourself and your wife to make you believe. It’s sad that you are so desperate to hang on to someone who treats you like s***. 

I see you’ve been on TaM since 2012 so it’s baffling to me why you took to the route of moving out because that’s the last thing you should have done.

*Rule#1*. NEVER move out
*Rule#2*. If you find yourself having had moved out, move back in IMMEDIATELY

It is your home, you get back to it today. If your wife has an issue with you and the marriage then she should move out.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Andy26599 said:


> my wife and I separated (her decision) just after new year…I've been on here previously regarding my relationship with my wife, and the problems we've had...anyway, that came to head and I was asked to leave just after new year...so I've been trying to reconcile, we have 3 young kids, and despite our problems, I love my wife. However she's been reluctant to engage in any sort of discussions about getting back together, refusing marriage counselling. Anyway, I know she's been messaging a guy she used to work with years back, who she coincidentally met again on New Years Eve while I was at home looking after the children...she said they were just friends, and I believed her...
> 
> I've since found out that while I had 2 of my 3 kids over to stay at my sisters (I'm currently living back with my parents, but there's no room for me to have the kids) she had this other bloke round to my house (which I still pay the mortgage for, in full, along with utilities, etc), and lied about it, I only found out when I found a load of beer bottles in the recycling bin and confronted her about it. She basically said I was being paranoid, and they were just friends.
> 
> ...


For what it's worth I can tell you first hand this doesn't make the pain go away for anything but a moment. In the end it makes it much worse


----------



## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Andy; Dude, get back in the house! Now! You want to see your kids? That's how you do it. Move out when you have everything set up, not in some hurry to make her happy.

I was married 30 years, then discovered my XW was having an affair with a good friend. I was devastated. SO I know exactly how you feel. I remember once, wishing so badly to be with my then W, I was willing to do anything to be with her. This is normal. But all you are doing currently is making it easier for her to carry on with lover boy. Realize this (what saved me) you can reconcile married or divorced. You file for divorce, you can always cancel if things come around, you get divorced, things get better, you can always remarry. But you need for her to get a taste of providing for herself, you need to quit funding her bedroom activities with another! You need to be with your kids! Make your head the decision maker, not your heart. It is hard, but to wallow around only makes her think she is making the right decision in getting rid of you, she does not respect you and the way you are acting I can see why. Tough times, your life will never be the same, I am so sorry for your problems. Time to do some things you don't want to do, because they are the correct things to do. Move back! Do the 180! If you mess up the 180, shake it off, start back again. Stay here on TAM for much better advise then I can give you. I am now divorced 3 years (82 days from filing to completion) my XW is married to the AP, she is miserable. Time is your only real answer, time to heal and disassociate. In the mean time, act like a man not a door mat. You will be glad you did.


----------



## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

Andy, just briefly reading your post you seen to be extremely gullible, naive and easy to lie to. I don't mean to pile on but the first thing you need to do is start taking care of yourself regardless of what others around you are doing.


----------



## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

Sorry u r here, 

IMO you should do 3 things ASAP to sabe your marriage:

1._ Do 180, this is not to get her back but to detach, also will being some consequences to her actions. Tell her that her bahavior is not apeopiated for a married woman and you wont tolerated, even not phisical ( i doib it) is cheating. To contact you by texto and just about kids Them go dark. Take café of your self, eat well, sleep, go to the gym, etc

Notice that behaving the same way you are getting the same outcome. Need to change that.

2._ kill the affair, inform OMW what is going on, let see what she thinks about it..if there is no wife or GF, expose to family. Affairs grown in the dark, lets turn the ligth on. Important, do no tell your WW you are going to reach OMW, so she wont prepare him. Is better to have prooves to show OMW, but you can preventiva her and ask her to tell her H (OM) to stop flirting with your wife.

Once you expose, your WW will be super más, ignore her Keep 180 and do

3._Get legal advice and get her serve ASAP. Remember that D is a proceso you can stop any time. This could seem extreme but as you can read at TAM, the best way to stop the infidelity and put some reality is a WS is go nuk. In order to sabe your marriage you need to be ready to loose it.


----------



## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Andy26599 said:


> She claims we broke up because we no longer made each other happy, which is, I suppose, partially true, we were starting to argue much more, but it seems to be all about the things "I" didn;t do, rather than her admitting any blame in the marriage breakdown...


You broke up because of her affair and she doesn't want to admit that. This is called blameshifting and a very common tactic with cheaters. She wants to make it look like she was justified in her cheating even thought she had other options such as seeing a counselor or simply just leaving you. Cheating is never a valid option and you need to understand that you didn't make her cheat, she did it because she wanted to.



> Regardless of the reasons why we split up, I just find it a real kick in the teeth that she can be so quick to move on to someone else...and then to lie about it to my face...


She moved on first, that's why you think it was so quick. She played you for a sap and of course she is going to lie, she is a cheater.

She has been thinking about this for a long time, you were just not aware of it.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Please listen to the experienced people here. Infidelity follows typical patterns of human behavior. They know what these patterns are. Your wife is following them.

Move back home. That is essential.

And do your best to stand tall. She has no right to tear down your self-esteem. No right. You are in charge of you & you don't have to let her do this to you.


----------



## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

ArmyofJuan said:


> You broke up because of her affair and she doesn't want to admit that. This is called blameshifting and a very common tactic with cheaters. She wants to make it look like she was justified in her cheating even thought she had other options such as seeing a counselor or simply just leaving you. Cheating is never a valid option and you need to understand that you didn't make her cheat, she did it because she wanted to.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


:iagree:


As said
Make sure *everyone* is aware of the fact she *HAS CHESTED* show the texts if you still have them as no one will believe her 'that they were flirting'

*File for D*
You can stop this at any time but it may also bring her to reality

*move back into the house-This is the most important as she will set precedent in the D and it will allow POSOM to play daddy at your house
DONT AT YOUR PERIL*

Hit the gym and vent out down there and on the plus side not only will your body be better but the chemicals working out produced will help your mind

*180 NOW*


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Go home. Start divorce proceedings.

Do you own your home?


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Move home, do not let her eff some jerk on your own bed.

Hell, drag that mattress out to the yard and burn it.

File for divorce. Stop paying any of her bills.

Consult with a lawyer, pronto.


----------



## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Unless you were abusing her and/or the children, there is no valid reason why you have to leave your home. If she's already involved with another man, then let her be the one to leave the family home to be with him.


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"Is there a way out of feeling like this?"

Yes.....expose POS to his BW/gf (if he has one), as well as her cheating a** to both your families and all friends, and then file for D.

Standing up for your pride and dignity does wonders for the self-esteem.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Here is the question !!!!!!!

Why did you leave ?????

Because she said so ?

It is still your house. Take the bull by the horns and move back in. You'll have a better idea of what is going on and can prevent being replaced as Dad by the OM.

It shouldn't work like "Get out so I can cheat on you'. No way


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

So it inconveniences her to have to cheat elsewhere. At least your kids don't have to be exposed to it.

Move home


----------



## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

I second the 180. But the first step is to move back into your home. You are being mistreated.

Sorry you are here but you have to find your strength. She has checked out. Prepare to face the reality of ending it. Start thinking about yourself and the kids.


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Sigh.

How are you paying a full mortgage and not living in your own home? All the while allowing another man to stay over with your kids?

Really?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You use the term bloke. Are you in the UK, or a Commonwealth country? 

If so, contact a solicitor ASAP for an initial appointment to discuss your legal rights.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Andy, you are going to get burned in a divorce if you don't act fast. 

She is using your money and your house to conduct a new relationship while she kicked you out of the house. You are being taken advantage of. Talk to a lawyer immediately. And do not beg her to reconcile or argue with her.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Andy, you are going to get burned in a divorce if you don't act fast.
> 
> She is using your money and your house to conduct a new relationship while she kicked you out of the house. You are being taken advantage of. Talk to a lawyer immediately. And do not beg her to reconcile or argue with her.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Andy how did the week end go for you

Good unless you support Leicester City I hope


----------

