# I had an affair and desperately want to save our marriage



## renee06 (Aug 6, 2015)

My husband and I have been married for 6 years now, we have two beautiful children together and despite our problems, I love my husband very much! He is 9 years older than myself and although I was only 20 years old when I had our oldest son, I quit school and went to work to support my family. The problem was, he was 9 years older and he did nothing to try to help with bills or household responsibilities. When I would ask for financial help, he would get angry and throw money at me. He has always worked for his dad, just the two of them. There were several times, I would call his dad because he wouldn't answer his phone and I was worried and his dad would say he hadn't seen him all day but he would tell me he was working. When I ask him about this, he just gets angry and says it was a long time ago and he's right so I let it go. After years of trying to make it work and being away from our children so I could pay bills, crying to my husband about how I needed his support, I needed him to show me affection, tell me he loved me (he has only said it maybe 5 times), I made a mistake. I had an affair with my former boss. He had been sending me nasty messages online and it bothered me, but I was afraid to tell HR at work because my husband (he used to accuse me of cheating all the time) had come to work and made a fool out us both because a guy I worked with sent me a message and I knew that he was unable to have sex because he had prostate cancer and his ex wife said he couldn't get it up so I thought I would call his bluff and I thought he would be embarrassed and stop! But he didn't, instead he arranged for us to meet at a hotel and I went, I didn't think he could do anything which turns out was true but it didn't stop him from trying. He was substantially older and I wasn't attracted to him at all but I didn't know what to do, after all, it was my fault. I got myself into that situation and I had no idea how to get out. Shortly after, he said that he had a gift for me at his apartment and he really wanted me to see his new place so I went over there. He had an envelope of money for me, I felt so uncomfortable, like he thought he could pay me to be with him so I told him I wasn't sure what he expected but I wasn't giving anything and he said he understood and expected nothing. I came over again because he offered to fix breakfast, he ended up attempting to seduce me again and I just gave in. I again, let it happen. I was too worried about my job and keeping him from telling my husband what I had done that I went along with it. I finally got up the nerve to tell him that I could no longer be around him or talk to him unless he understood that we were nothing more than friends and he agreed. He and I continued a friendship, that was all and although I visited on occasion it was mostly to learn about our job and because he gave me money, for 2 years. I ended up telling my husband everything after he questioned me one afternoon. I didn't come out with the part about the money at first but I did tell him a couple of weeks later because I didn't want to lie anymore. He says that he wants to stay together and work on our marriage but he has done nothing to improve his behavior. We have gone to counseling but he won't do any of the assignments because he says he feels like I'm still hiding something and I am not. For nine years, I paid all of our bills on my own, I provided him with insurance, meals, a roof over his head, and 2 children and he never appreciated me. I talked to him so many times and he would never change. I quit my job, that paid $ 80,000.00 a year because he wasn't comfortable with me being there. I deleted my facebook account and I am now a stay at home mom. I do not get on my phone unless it's to make or receive a call, on occasion I text my parents and now he is fussing that I'm never on my phone. He says he wants to reconcile but he is so mean to me so often! I just don't understand, if I'm such a terrible person, why does he stay? I don't know what else to do to try to make this work. I was definitely in the wrong for what I did, I don't blame anyone but myself for the situation I'm in. I just feel so confused about what to do! Should I leave? I want to work this out, but it's crazy some days we get along great and all is well but most of the time, he's angry. He wants to have sex all the time and if I say no, he gets angry but if we do it and I'm not into it he gets angry. I just want us to come out of this stronger than we were. I do feel like he loves me, I know he just doesn't know how to show it and I love this man with all my heart! I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

renee06 said:


> I do feel like he loves me, I know he just doesn't know how to show it and I love this man with all my heart!


Ick!! Stop being this doormat.

Both of you are not good spouses, that much is obvious. I don't even know what to tell you here since it really doesn't sound like either one of you possess the emotional capability of having a good relationship.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Couple's counselling. Soon.

Whatever you do, please, both of you, remember to be the best parents you can be, OK?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Is this for real?

Who quits an $80,000 a year job without something else lined up?

Why would you have sex with a man (your boss) just to prove he could get it up??? And then go back for breakfast and have sex again??

Get thee hither to a psychiatrist (forget a counselor) PRONTO.

:scratchhead:

Honestly, can you blame your husband for being furious? It's likely time to put a fork in this marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Reconciliation is a two way street. It doesn't sound like either of you have truly worked thru the pain of infidelity. Your husband appears to be holding onto resentment and keeping you around for convenience more than wanting to love and share a life. It's can take years for a spouse to get over the hurt of infidelity even with the most remorseful of spouses.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Under a bridge

Warts

Smell

Eat anything

Blunt stick as weapon


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

HI Renee sorry you are going through this but I have to agree with Happy there seem to be a lot deeper issues than meet the eye. Good Luck.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

One word: paragraphs.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

You are going to therapy but he won't do the homework, correct? You love him with all your heart but had sex with another man, correct? I have more questions, but I will be honest here, bluntly honest. Your husband has been borderline abusive, what is it that you feel he needs to fix? If he says I love you more will that fix the problem? What are you doing that fixes your poor boundaries? Was the "marriage" fixable before infidelity? Where does his money go? 

Answer these questions renee06 and I'll try to give you advice. But a word of caution, reconciliation is very difficult with BOTH spouse doing the work, and I'm not sure if either of you are prepared to tackle this process.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

No... why would you go to that hotel??? Why? If you were only "calling his bluff"... Do you think he was calling your bluff then and set up the hotel?

He sure as heck didn't force you there. All you had to do was say, I heard you couldn't do it from your wife, so I was calling your bluff. No, I won't go with you to a hotel room..


Me thinks you wouldn't have been there if you didn't want to be there.
And your husband was already making a scene about you cheating with other man at work??

hmmm ... Do you want to keep being married to this man? Or do you constantly find yourself in cheating situations, or tempting to cheat? If so, Seems like you need some individual counseling.

If not, and you really want to save the marriage, remember, it's going to take your husband YEARS, to trust again. Everytime he confronts and accuses again, be upfront, and talk about it, and be ready to show all your passwords to different accounts.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

So, when did this desperation to save you marriage become apparent? Before or after you decided to screw the man sending you "nasty" messages?

If this your husband is such an inconsiderate slouch that he throws money at you, why try to save such a marriage? You've already invalidated it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Next!


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

I have never seen someone so disinterested in having an affair work so hard to have one.

You put yourself in that situation and then excuse yourself by saying you "let it happen".

All this with a man you say you have no attraction to.


You should explore this behavior in therapy, it seems it is the same type of behavior that has allowed the whole situation in your marriage to "happen".

You cant fix your husband, maybe you can change your marriage, but the place to start is with yourself here, you are not acting with personal boundaries or self respect.

I wish you well.
Take care.


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## renee06 (Aug 6, 2015)

I do love him very much. I have often found myself very frustrated with the fact I loved him as much as I did, I didn't want to. I guess honestly, I didn't feel like he deserved it. I worked in a manufacturing facility, I was one of 6 women out of 200 employees. It was a very uncomfortable situation anyway. Always worried about my jeans not being too tight or my shirts too low but it never mattered, comments were always made. I would tell my husband sometimes how it bothered me but he did nothing. I wanted him to step up and get a real job so I didn't have to be there. One of my biggest faults is I trust people too much and care too much when I shouldn't. Some of the things I want through as a child taught me to just forget it and keep going. That's what I would do as a kid and it carried over to adulthood. I had been with that man and I did go back, a normal person wouldn't do that but I wanted to trust him and believe he wouldn't hurt me. He was so nice to me, something my husband wasn't. Boundaries I have set for myself to try to improve this marriage are to never put myself in a situation where I am alone with another man, I no longer have facebook so now I am much more present with my family, if I text or talk to someome outside of family and close friends, I tell my husband. I have not been in contact with anyone from my previous employer except 1 last I was very close to. To expect my husband to change soon after this is unrealistic and unfair. I do think we should both be honest with one another and he lies to me often. I really just need to feel appreciated by him, even if he can't say I love you, he could show it. He only says it on response, he only hugs and kisses me back. We were going to couples counseling but he would get mad and say the counsler was on my side. Even though I've tried finding another job, he doesn't want me to work outside the home but if I do, only a job where I can get the kids off to school in time so he can get to school early.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Uggghhhh. Too much victim speak for me. 
Why are you trying to save your marriage if he is so awful?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

News flash. Your husband is an ass and you are an easy lay.

Neither one of you is ready for marriage and your kids are the real victims here.

Divorce. Get another job, you seem very capable of taking care of yourself, and move out.

Get into intensive therapy about why you decided to be a prostitute for your married boss while claiming to love your husband.

Bvllshyt! You fvcked your boss, I don't know how many times for how many years, and took money for it.

You have shown very clearly by your actions what you love.

Leave your lie of a marriage and become something more closely resembling a woman with some dignity.

If your story is true, you are incredibly screwed up and in need of serious therapy!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Propel (Aug 1, 2014)

What do you do after a major train wreck? You get the police, fire marshal, medics there pronto. That means you need the assistance of friends, family and a good therapists, since this isn't something you can handle yourself. 

Don't forget there are other passengers on this train that are hurt by the damage you are causing each other, this means your children and family. You are accountable to them, that whatever outcome comes to fruition, that you have to face them afterwards and boldly say that you tried your best. This doesn't mean they'll forgive you or won't punish you, whats important is that you took responsibility for your part in all of this.

But before that you need to due a thorough examination of what went wrong and start the healing. Remember he is guilty but so are you. However you can only control yourself, there isn't anything you can do to control his emotions or make him do things to comfort you. Don't do things for him with the expectation that'll you'll get something in return, do it because you love him. Do your part for as long as you can and if he is not responding then you can push for separation without regret.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Renee, 

The hole in your marriage is a two way street and you both need to fix then, the affair is on you and only you. ( It is on the alcoholic to stay out of bars)

Your story is very confusing and seems to have a revisionist history rewrite element at this point.

How are you now paying the bills ?
How much does your husband really make ?
Is his job legal ?
Your ex boss sounds like a rapist.
Have you to talked to the HR department?
Have you talked to his wife?

Look. 40 years ago I thought guys like your ex-boss were stuff out of hollywood legends. I know they are real. I also know they are right out of the script from the cheaters play book.

If you are looking for "you poor girl" this is the wrong place. If are 
Looking for real answers this place is a great starting point.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

ButtPunch said:


> Uggghhhh. Too much victim speak for me.
> Why are you trying to save your marriage if he is so awful?


Renee, ButtPunch nailed what I was driving at. 

I think having boundaries that protect you from getting in that situation is good, but I was referring to boundaries with regard to your self concept and marriage relationship.

Its the victim speak I am talking about. You have not found your voice in your marriage and are settling for things that are damaging to you, things that are not healthy for you as a person.

You cannot do this alone (most likely) and it may take some time, your marriage may not survive becoming a more self actuated woman but I think you are capable of getting there.

In other words standing up for your interests and not backing down regardless of the consequences.

There needs to be a thing or two that are the "hill" you will die on in order to change your marriage but you will have to get "who you are" and "what those are" sorted out first, and I think doing so in counseling would be best.

Think about it.
I wish you well.
Take care.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

renee06 said:


> I do feel like he loves me, I know he just doesn't know how to show it and I love this man with all my heart! I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do.


What should you do?

My suggestion is that you get another job ASAP. Then you leave him.

How can you feel that he loves you when he shows you no love? I think you are in love with the idea of who you want him to be.. the potential.

If you quit your job, is your husband now paying the bills?

Also, I think that you need to stop the marriage counseling. If he’s not willing to do the work, then why are you paying for this? Instead get into counseling for yourself and figure out why you have put up with this for so long and why you seem unable to leave.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

Your husband is a loaf and you are a cheater. I don't normally recommend this but you both might be better off with a divorce. He doesn't love you enough to take care of his wife and children. Leave him to the trailer park life he wants to live and end the abuse of your husbands expoits and find yourself and your children someone who is wanting to provide out of love.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

renee06 said:


> My husband and I have been married for 6 years now, we have two beautiful children together and despite our problems, I love my husband very much! He is 9 years older than myself and although I was only 20 years old when I had our oldest son, I quit school and went to work to support my family. The problem was, he was 9 years older and he did nothing to try to help with bills or household responsibilities. When I would ask for financial help, he would get angry and throw money at me. He has always worked for his dad, just the two of them. There were several times, I would call his dad because he wouldn't answer his phone and I was worried and his dad would say he hadn't seen him all day but he would tell me he was working. When I ask him about this, he just gets angry and says it was a long time ago and he's right so I let it go. After years of trying to make it work and being away from our children so I could pay bills, crying to my husband about how I needed his support, I needed him to show me affection, tell me he loved me (he has only said it maybe 5 times), I made a mistake. I had an affair with my former boss. He had been sending me nasty messages online and it bothered me, but I was afraid to tell HR at work because my husband (he used to accuse me of cheating all the time) had come to work and made a fool out us both because a guy I worked with sent me a message and I knew that he was unable to have sex because he had prostate cancer and his ex wife said he couldn't get it up so I thought I would call his bluff and I thought he would be embarrassed and stop! But he didn't, instead he arranged for us to meet at a hotel and I went, I didn't think he could do anything which turns out was true but it didn't stop him from trying. He was substantially older and I wasn't attracted to him at all but I didn't know what to do, after all, it was my fault. I got myself into that situation and I had no idea how to get out. Shortly after, he said that he had a gift for me at his apartment and he really wanted me to see his new place so I went over there. He had an envelope of money for me, I felt so uncomfortable, like he thought he could pay me to be with him so I told him I wasn't sure what he expected but I wasn't giving anything and he said he understood and expected nothing. I came over again because he offered to fix breakfast, he ended up attempting to seduce me again and I just gave in. I again, let it happen. I was too worried about my job and keeping him from telling my husband what I had done that I went along with it. I finally got up the nerve to tell him that I could no longer be around him or talk to him unless he understood that we were nothing more than friends and he agreed. He and I continued a friendship, that was all and although I visited on occasion it was mostly to learn about our job and because he gave me money, for 2 years. I ended up telling my husband everything after he questioned me one afternoon. I didn't come out with the part about the money at first but I did tell him a couple of weeks later because I didn't want to lie anymore. He says that he wants to stay together and work on our marriage but he has done nothing to improve his behavior. We have gone to counseling but he won't do any of the assignments because he says he feels like I'm still hiding something and I am not. For nine years, I paid all of our bills on my own, I provided him with insurance, meals, a roof over his head, and 2 children and he never appreciated me. I talked to him so many times and he would never change. I quit my job, that paid $ 80,000.00 a year because he wasn't comfortable with me being there. I deleted my facebook account and I am now a stay at home mom. I do not get on my phone unless it's to make or receive a call, on occasion I text my parents and now he is fussing that I'm never on my phone. He says he wants to reconcile but he is so mean to me so often! I just don't understand, if I'm such a terrible person, why does he stay? I don't know what else to do to try to make this work. I was definitely in the wrong for what I did, I don't blame anyone but myself for the situation I'm in. I just feel so confused about what to do! Should I leave? I want to work this out, but it's crazy some days we get along great and all is well but most of the time, he's angry. He wants to have sex all the time and if I say no, he gets angry but if we do it and I'm not into it he gets angry. I just want us to come out of this stronger than we were. I do feel like he loves me, I know he just doesn't know how to show it and I love this man with all my heart! I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do.





renee06 said:


> I do love him very much. I have often found myself very frustrated with the fact I loved him as much as I did, I didn't want to. I guess honestly, I didn't feel like he deserved it. I worked in a manufacturing facility, I was one of 6 women out of 200 employees. It was a very uncomfortable situation anyway. Always worried about my jeans not being too tight or my shirts too low but it never mattered, comments were always made. I would tell my husband sometimes how it bothered me but he did nothing. I wanted him to step up and get a real job so I didn't have to be there. One of my biggest faults is I trust people too much and care too much when I shouldn't. Some of the things I want through as a child taught me to just forget it and keep going. That's what I would do as a kid and it carried over to adulthood. I had been with that man and I did go back, a normal person wouldn't do that but I wanted to trust him and believe he wouldn't hurt me. He was so nice to me, something my husband wasn't. Boundaries I have set for myself to try to improve this marriage are to never put myself in a situation where I am alone with another man, I no longer have facebook so now I am much more present with my family, if I text or talk to someome outside of family and close friends, I tell my husband. I have not been in contact with anyone from my previous employer except 1 last I was very close to. To expect my husband to change soon after this is unrealistic and unfair. I do think we should both be honest with one another and he lies to me often. I really just need to feel appreciated by him, even if he can't say I love you, he could show it. He only says it on response, he only hugs and kisses me back. We were going to couples counseling but he would get mad and say the counsler was on my side. Even though I've tried finding another job, he doesn't want me to work outside the home but if I do, only a job where I can get the kids off to school in time so he can get to school early.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

happy as a clam said:


> Is this for real?
> 
> Who quits an $80,000 a year job without something else lined up?
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My ex quit a $60,000 a year job with nothing else. Gave him more free time to cheat. 'Course that's why he's my ex.:laugh:

OP, get yourself to IC pretty quick. You life skills need to toughen up a bit to get you through the choices you keep making.


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