# Affair details!



## blindsided75 (Jan 18, 2012)

It has been a month since D-day! My wife and I are working at R. I have wrote down many questions I have about the "A". I have asked some and she usually answers them for the most part. I'm trying to figure out exactly how many details I really want. I'm not sure if they will be more helpful or hurtful. 
She seems to be very committed to R, but also seems a little reluctant to discuss the details. Her take is that I know about the affair so lets just put it behind us. I still feel like I want to know almost every detail. Some I know I don't want to know and don't want to ask about. I believe that once I know, then maybe I can find a little closure. Any help will be appreciated!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The more details the more mind movies. I think that makes it harder to move on. JMO


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Decide what you really "need" to know vs what you want to know. Just remember you can't unlearn some things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I disagree. The less details equals more mind movies. Usually the details are far less than what is imagined. You have a right to process all of the information.


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

> I disagree. The less details equals more mind movies. Usually the details are far less than what is imagined. You have a right to process all of the information.


Opposite for me. The less I knew the better. Guess it depends on the person.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If you want to know, then ask.

If you don't want to know/If it's not a big deal to you, don't ask.

Tell her you NEED what you need in order to truly R.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I just feel like it's something of a double edged sword... There is a chance DS will tell you the unfiltered truth, and their truth may still be shaded with fog. Which could be setting you up to measure yourself against a fantasy. I dont know, I'm all for the truth but a truth shaded in romance movie fog may not be the same truth they come to understand once they are "sobered up".. But you can't unhear what they said. 

When I say "need" to know vs want to know.... Do you really "need" to hear that OM was a stallion in bed, and has porn star sized junk? Or that he was the greatest lover she has ever been with? Or any other details that can put (more) permanent smudges on your psyche ? It's just me but I could learn to control my own imagination and mind movies I made up. but once those have been put in concrete by foggy DS... Yikes. Lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

bryanp said:


> I disagree. The less details equals more mind movies. Usually the details are far less than what is imagined. You have a right to process all of the information.




:iagree::iagree::iagree:

For a complete R, absolute truth is needed and she is supposed to answer any of your question, without hiding anything from you. she may be saying trickle truth to you. If she is truly remorseful and wanted the marriage to survive she should give you full truth and should come clean first.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I liked knowing more details. And liked seeing the information firsthand, like the messages, texts, the Facebook footprints. The most important fact that I know now is that she told my guy that he should stop dating me and they should try again. 

For anyone who is a proponent of opposite sex friendships and how cool they are, this is one example as to why they are a bad idea. And I would never have known this if my guy had not offered to show me his text messages. Next time I know that there is nothing wrong in askingto see them and expecting your request to be fulfilled.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Relevant thread

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/35927-she-he-did-things-him-her.html


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Don't underestimate how much trust she can build just by being willing to answer your questions. Maybe you'll choose not to ask about some details, but knowing that she sees it as her responsibility to address the hurt she caused in WHATEVER way you need is a big deal. She had her chance to keep your trust, and threw it away. Don't accept letting her decide how you will learn to trust her again.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Halien said:


> Don't underestimate how much trust she can build just by being willing to answer your questions. Maybe you'll choose not to ask about some details, but knowing that she sees it as her responsibility to address the hurt she caused in WHATEVER way you need is a big deal. She had her chance to keep your trust, and threw it away. Don't accept letting her decide how you will learn to trust her again.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's up to you how much you want to know. As someone who asked a lot and heard a LOT of details, I wish I hadn't. Yet at the same time, knowing cheapened the entire thing so it was beneficial to me.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

b-
In my case I wanted to know exactly what I was forgiving her for. Sure the details are tough, but again I wanted to know exactly what I was forgiving her for.

So after hearing about all the details and figured out I had seen enough porno to know what went on, and after 2 years from d-day I now see its not the sex acts that gets me ,but the fact that she went out and had the affairs period.

I'm wired different then most so be very carefull, I have been told of some of the details then times that by 10. If you can still handle it then go ahead and ask away.

For me it really opened up the door in what I was really dealing with regard to this women I was married to for 20 years.

I also learned a few thing that I could change, some my call it competing, but personal I feel that knowing some of the deals with regard to whom she choose to be with also gave me the insight that I to could be a better sex partner.

In some cases it not always this great event, often my W encounters were ackward and uncomfortable, but there are also some that blow her away.

Any way I have a big enough ego to know that I am the best and always will be with or with out my wife.

My question is can your ego handle some of the details that your wife may find mind blowing in her afffair and can you one up the AP by doing these things to her, or will it just be a trigger having these details?

The talkes me and the Mrs. have about her affairs are often laughable, but most are sad that she went this low in her life to behave this way. To this day she will see something that will remind her of one of her affairs and just blurt it out. We have come a long way from the days of the trickle truth and all that crap back in Feb '10. Her openess has helped me heal, it still is hard to her a story about her blowing some guy with a pirced penis and how it hurt him, or this other guy who didn't have a ballsack. Again I'm just wired different then most.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

The whole deal in re: details, boils down to what is needed to satisfy your sub-conscious---SO THERE ARE NO GAPS---and your sub-conscious does not have to fill in, or come up with its own story to fill in the gaps, or what it doesn't know about, but would like to know about.

Nothing is to be left to the imagination, is probably a better way of putting it

No matter what, do not let your wife sweep this under the rug----If she percieves in any way, that you handled this weakly, she will KNOW she has gotten away with her A., and she just may DO THIS AGAIN---knowing she got away with it this time, why not again.

There must be strong accountability, on her part, strong boundaries, placed on her---and she must know the STRONG ACTIONABLE (not words) CONSEQUENCES that will hit her if she even looks cross-eyed at another man.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

blindsided75 said:


> It has been a month since D-day! My wife and I are working at R. I have wrote down many questions I have about the "A". I have asked some and she usually answers them for the most part. I'm trying to figure out exactly how many details I really want. I'm not sure if they will be more helpful or hurtful.
> She seems to be very committed to R, but also seems a little reluctant to discuss the details. Her take is that I know about the affair so lets just put it behind us. I still feel like I want to know almost every detail. Some I know I don't want to know and don't want to ask about. I believe that once I know, then maybe I can find a little closure. Any help will be appreciated!


Everyone's different. Some want to know the details, some don't. It might seem that you're the type that needs to know what he's forgiving. Just keep in mind that reality might even be worse than the mind movies. 

From what I've read, when the WS is in the fog, they will give their affair partner anything and everything that they denied to their own BS. They are so caught up in the affair. Like warlock pointed out, this is a relevant thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/35927-she-he-did-things-him-her.html

On the other hand, knowing the details might give you closure because you will then know what exactly you're forgiving.


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## Tigrlily (Dec 27, 2011)

It really depends on you.

I am a detail person. Being left with my imagination is something I have really struggled with.

My H can't 'remember' most of what happened, other than highlighted details here and there. Okay, so I've got the basic facts, fine...but I'm a woman. I don't just care about what happened at point A, B and C. I want to know how he treated her. How he spoke to her. What he shared with her during those long email and text exchanges. How did he comfort her at lunch when she cried about her dying grandmother? It's the intimacy-factor. It's not knowing if she received the same kind of intimate mannerisms of his that I do, or if it was on some other plane entirely. Was anything reserved for me? Kept sacred? Still mine? Or is there another woman out there who knows his heart just as well as I do?

I am left with my merciless imagination. I'd give anything for a transcript of the entire event. It can't be any worse than what I already think.

On the flip side, I know people who don't want to know anything at all, and there is merit in this. Knowing everything that happened means that there are certain parts of your life that will be forever changed. It's like taking the blue pill vs the red pill. H just happened to remember that they argued once over what a buttercup was. Now buttercups make me think of this, whereas before I was just ignorant.

I'm hopeful that time will fade the pain of things like buttercup-memories, but I'm having a much harder time believing that time will erase the ghosts of what I do not know.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

blindsided75 said:


> It has been a month since D-day! My wife and I are working at R. I have wrote down many questions I have about the "A". I have asked some and she usually answers them for the most part. I'm trying to figure out exactly how many details I really want. I'm not sure if they will be more helpful or hurtful.
> She seems to be very committed to R, but also seems a little reluctant to discuss the details. Her take is that I know about the affair so lets just put it behind us. I still feel like I want to know almost every detail. Some I know I don't want to know and don't want to ask about. I believe that once I know, then maybe I can find a little closure. Any help will be appreciated!


Sounds like she is wanting to sweep it under the rug and just forget it.

That will likely lead her to being a repeat offender since she won't have actually had to do the heavy lifting and hard work of answering your questions and dealing with your reaction.


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## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Sounds like she is wanting to sweep it under the rug and just forget it.
> 
> That will likely lead her to being a repeat offender since she won't have actually had to do the heavy lifting and hard work of answering your questions and dealing with your reaction.


:iagree: 

BTW, Why even bother R with the B I T C H?!


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I think it is great that you are writing them down because then you can scan over them and ask the ones you really want to know and sort your thoughts out. 
I believe that really no one wants to know(because it hurts so much its easier to run from it) but HAS to know (in order to move forward with R and heal).


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I know of a great analogy for this, and if you tell your wife she may be able to sort of understand. 

From HER point of view, there was a puzzle with many, many pieces, and she could see all the pieces and knows what the puzzle is a picture of...and chances are good she doesn't like the picture or maybe just wishes you didn't have to see that particular picture. 

From YOUR point of view, there is a jumble of puzzle pieces and some are missing. You don't know what it is a picture of, but you keep trying to put it together and with pieces missing your mind "fills in the blanks"...

...and sometimes the "fill ins" are worse than the actual pieces!! 

So you want to ask questions in order to get more puzzle pieces or to get a clearer view of the real picture. 

Now...some people need every single piece of the puzzle in order to put the *whole* puzzle together and make sense of it, and then they can put that puzzle away because it's done. Other people get most of the pieces, more or less "get the picture' and that's enough for them and they can put the puzzle away. It is up to YOU to decide if you need every piece or you can live with more or less "getting the picture." 

Makes sense, doesn't it? 

I would recommend that you two have an agreement together: You agree to only ask ONE question a day. She agrees to fully answer that ONE question completely transparently. And you both agree that any discussion will only last 45 minutes and no more. That way you gradually get your questions answered, and she does not feel like it will be the Spanish Inquisition and it won't be held against her forever.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

There is no rush to decide now what you want to know vs. what you don't want to know--you can and should continue to ask questions as they become significant, and she must be transparent. Some things you may think "I really don't want to know. . . I think." So table those, and if they lose their significance over time, fine. If not, you may decide later to ask. Recovering is a very long process and it's not a straight path--1.5 steps forward, 1 step back, etc. Give yourself time. If she ever says that "ok, quit asking, it's done and we are past it," remind her that is only true for her. You will quit asking when. . . you no longer need to ask. Could be a couple of weeks, months, years. She does not get to dictage your rate of recovery. 

It never hurts to take time to let things work themselves out. I think people who rush to know everything right away are reacting to their pain and panic--not giving themselves time to reflect, time to process things at a reasonable pace. Knowing everything right away will not "make recovery faster." It's going to take a long time no matter what. So why hurry to add to your pain, when asking later may, in fact, be less painful and yet equally useful in helping you heal?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

From your first post.



Blindsided75 said:


> I just found out about two weeks ago my wife of 11 years was having an affair.
> I was paying the bills and noticed more minutes than usual on the cell phone bill. After further investigation I found that there were a lot of blocked calls and a strange number. I confronted my wife about it and at first she tried to lie. She then confessed "with some questioning" about the affair. Come to find out it had been going on for two and half months. She immediately ended the affair and wants to make our marriage work.
> She says she was very happy with me and other than attention from this other guy doesn't know why she did it.
> *I went out of town and she and some friends went out drinking. She met the guy that night and slept with him*. Then continued for the next two months. *She says she visited him on more than 3 occasions, but only slept with him 3 times*. I find it hard to believe. They were talking and texting all the time. Do you think she is just trying to minimize the affair to keep me around? She says she wants to be with me more than anything and for the rest of our lives.
> ...


From your POV, is she right? Was your sex life lacking in quantity and/or quality? What are the two of you doing now that is different as far as sex?


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