# Need help from the ladies - body image issue



## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

My wife has a pretty rough body image issue of herself. She is not cover model thin, but 99% of women are not. She is neither morbidly obese. Her BMI puts her in the over-weight or on the low end of obese. I don't put much stock in BMI because when I have been in single digit body fat for competitions, my BMI is obese.

We have been working on her diet and exercise plan. I constantly let her know I am attracted to her and I do all I believe that I can to make her feel good about her body image. However, she has such a rough view of her weight that she says she hears what I am saying, but can't believe it.

Do you have any ideas on things I can do to help her develop a better self body image?

I realize that it is difficult to live with people like myself when she is dieting. I can drop weight on a whim. I always try to stay under 15% fat, and when I get into show prep, I drop into mid single digit body fat percentage. She sees the people on stage and the women competing in the various divisions. I think she feels like she needs to look like that. 

I have told her that I do not want or need that in a physical appearance. I try to remind her daily how I feel about her. But, she still has that poor self body image. I know other women do the same. What could be done to make you feel better about yourself?

She talks about getting lipo to remove fat. I have no problem with that. However, she has done that in the past and is still not happy with herself. Also, as you start to do lipo on many areas, if you put weight back on, the fat deposits can look odd as it can't distribute globally because the fat cells have been removed from certain areas.

Thanks for any help you can give. I just want her to be healthy and feel good about herself.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Sit her down and have a serious talk that begin with this question: "Would you like to feel good about your body or are you dead set on thinking and feeling negatively about your body?"

She, and any other woman with body image issues needs to understand this: how YOU see yourself mirrors how you feel about yourself and has nothing whatsoever to do with reality. Most anorexics think they are fat, believe in their bones they are fat and hideous and unworthy of admiration. We can find many many stories about women of color as well as other races (it's just that the linked article below was fresh in my memory) who are over weight and morbidly obese who feel hot and sexy. How do they do that? How do they see themselves as sexy when a woman of normal weight sees herself as fat and ugly?

http://www.plus-model-mag.com/2013/...itter-by-fans-of-american-horror-story-coven/

It's all in the mind. It's all in perspective. We decide how we feel about ourselves. We decide that and it has zero foundation in reality.

For the first few days after I gave birth, each time I felt my stomach I *felt* skinny, even though I still had a considerably belly. From my *perspective* I was used to feeling that huge pregnant belly and all of a sudden it was gone, so I felt skinny!

Women who lose significant weight, more than 100 pounds, they may get to a size 16 when they started out at a size 5XX and they feel fantastic about themselves. Why? Why does a woman who is a size 16 feel fantastic about herself? She's still over weight and no where near skinny so how does she feel so great about herself? Perspective!

We have the power within ourselves to decide how we want to feel about ourselves. When our husband or SO tells us we are sexy, or beautiful or whatever, we get to decide if we want to believe them or not. If we have already decided that we WANT to feel positive about our body, then we MUST also decide to believe him when he says those nice things.

As a husband you can tell your wife she is beautiful and sexy and when she brushes you off you get and hold her attention and tell her she doesn't decide what your truth is but she does decide her truth. There are some things about ourselves we cannot alter and we must accept, but how we feel about ourselves has always been and always will be OUR CHOICE. We can believe nasty things said to us, or we can believe positive things said to us. Our choice.

How she changes her self image is by deciding she wants to feel positive about herself. 
Next she decides to believe positive things you say.
Next she tells herself positive things and stops critiquing herself/body. 

The third step is crucial and takes a LONG time before our perspective begins to change, but it will change.


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

Can she go to individual counseling to help with her issues and confidence in herself? I'm sure if she has body issues then seeing body building competitions (assuming that is what you are referring to) is tough on her. Personally if my husband was in that great shape (as in body building)...I might feel like I had to get in better shape too and it might feel like added pressure. My husband is no where NEAR a body builder, lol, but I am attracted to him. I also work out regularly. 

Most women struggle with not liking "something" about their body...but it shouldn't be this consuming. 

Has she started exercising consistently? Does she like/want to exercise? I know you mentioned you and her are working on diet/exercise. Sounds like you are doing all you can but maybe she needs to do some things on her own to make herself feel better. I wouldn't recommend lipo...too many horror stories. And I agree with Anon Pink as well...she needs to want to feel positive about herself.

With TV/Movies/Internet we are faced with a barrage of near impossible to reach (plastic surgery,etc) looks that have absolutely NOTHING to do with reality. Sometimes it is difficult to realize that we DON'T need to strive for this fake beauty. Just look at all the "Housewives of Blah Blah Blah" shows....who the heck looks like that all the time? And who wants to!!


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

She has started exercising again. But she often does things to sabotage her nutrition. Then goes into a "woe is me" attitude and spirals out for a few weeks. Then, gets back on the exercise / nutrition plans.

She enjoys exercising. Her mom is morbidly obese and she doesn't want to be that way. However, she has a disconnect that she feels she should be able to eat whatever she wants in whatever quantities that she wants and be able to lose weight. She has modified her nutrition to a much healthier level in the last few months. But, if you don't pair nutrition and exercise - especially after 40 - weight loss comes slow and will often plateau at times.

Yeah...the body building shows kind of give her a skewed view, I believe. But, she sees my changes and knows that you don't look like you do on stage all year long. It is only a very short window when you look like that. It is not healthy to stay that way for an extended period of time.

I am the "fixer." I hate seeing her feel bad about herself and put herself down when I don't view her in that manner at all. I wish there was some way to make her see herself as I do.

As far a counseling, that is a no go. She feels that is only for people that are "crazy." Yeah...lot's of issues there  

I guess I was just hoping there was some magical wand I could wave to help her see her the way I do.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

THIS




bbdad said:


> I wish there was some way to make her see herself as I do.




Is what you tell her any and every time she is being critical of her body.

Do not use the word "fine" as in, "I think she looks fine." Or "you look fine honey, honestly!" Fine, to a woman, means "quit worrying about your outfit you look fine!" If you've ever said that even just one time....

Use words that portray superlatives like, hot, sexy, fantastic, adorable, beautiful, pretty.


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## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

bbdad said:


> I guess I was just hoping there was some magical wand I could wave to help her see her the way I do.


You can't make her see herself the way you do, but you _can_ help her see how you really do see her. 

How?

Show, don't tell. In your touch, in the tone of your voice, focus on the physical parts of her you love and really _enjoy_ them. Admire them. 

You may not solve her body image issues, but you can help her believe you when you say you like her body. You just have to make it more evident you do. Like @Anon Pink said, "you look fine" isn't good enough. That doesn't tell her you want her hot body.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> THIS
> 
> 
> 
> ...


No, I use the words that you mentioned. I try as much as I can to build her up with words and actions.

I have the exact opposite problem of thinking myself as too scrawny, so I understand the dysmorphic image. That is why I do as much as I can to help her see it different.

It's simply wanting to try to get some one that you care greatly about to feel happy with something, and not get depressed about it.

I appreciate all of the advice.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> We have the power within ourselves to decide how we want to feel about ourselves. When our husband or SO tells us we are sexy, or beautiful or whatever, we get to decide if we want to believe them or not. If we have already decided that we WANT to feel positive about our body, then we MUST also decide to believe him when he says those nice things.
> 
> As a husband you can tell your wife she is beautiful and sexy and when she brushes you off you get and hold her attention and tell her she doesn't decide what your truth is but she does decide her truth. There are some things about ourselves we cannot alter and we must accept, but how we feel about ourselves has always been and always will be OUR CHOICE. We can believe nasty things said to us, or we can believe positive things said to us. Our choice.
> 
> ...


Bravo. Solid advice.

I'm also curious bbdad, who she is surrounded by in terms of support / friendships (mentors, even) beyond you and the marriage. I personally find that having a group of good friends around me, who have and demonstrate a confident perspective of themselves and can show support, is valuable. What I notice in my friends is their ability to embrace themselves completely. They may exercise, have a balanced approach to diet but regardless of their various sizes and body shapes, they accept themselves... and because they accept themselves, they easily accept others too. I have personally learned that being surrounded by women (friends) like this helps my own mindset and perspective. 

Who is she surrounded by?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Well. This might be simplistic but women tend to be their own worst critics to the point of exasperation.

Her emotions are the target.

She needs to find a routine and environment she feels safe and fun as well as encouraging for her physical goals.

I didn't have the answer when Mrs. Conan put on a bunch of weight many years ago.

What I did was help her to be safe with me emotionally while she explored different avenues to getting to the physical goals she wanted.

I filled her cup over and over non stop.

I loved her from every waking moment physically, emotionally and spirituality.

We had so much sex she was usually passed out for half of every Saturday.

I planned dates and activities together every week and basically never let her feet touch the ground.

I wasn't bothered by her weight but I knew she was.

I didn't treat it like a problem I could solve but loved her like crazy until she figured it out.

It was her race and I was her cheerleader and lover.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Well. This might be simplistic but women tend to be their own worst critics to the point of exasperation.
> 
> Her emotions are the target.
> 
> ...


Beautiful. I'm not ashamed to admit your post made me cry.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

"Show, don't tell" is advice for creative writing. "Use actions not words" is advice for dealing with supervisors to get a promotion or for keeping a job.

To COMMUNICATE, you must use WORDS. Women are language based in communication. You cannot skip words. Showing her how you feel about her, is also important, but words must be a big part of the communication.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

BMI is a completely inaccurate and faulty scientifically unsound measurement of body fat percentages.

It doesn't take into account the ratio of fat to muscle to bone density ratios in individuals.

http://blog.bodylabs.com/2015/01/29/visualizing-bmis-blind-spots/

It's a ludicrous way of measuring weight.

Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk


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## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> "Show, don't tell" is advice for creative writing. "Use actions not words" is advice for dealing with supervisors to get a promotion or for keeping a job.


What I'm getting at is that it's easy to tell someone "you look great" but nobody is going to believe you if you don't sound sincere. A big part of communication is tone and body language. 

"You look great" (as in, "you look great, now let's get going") is a good example. It's completely different from "you look great!" with eye contact and a once-over. 

Or for another example, if I asked my husband if my butt looked big in these jeans (not something I'd ask but I know his response anyway), he'd give me an enthusiastic "YEAH it does." Completely different from an unenthusiastic "yeah, it does."



Anon Pink said:


> To COMMUNICATE, you must use WORDS. Women are language based in communication. You cannot skip words. Showing her how you feel about her, is also important, but words must be a big part of the communication.


I'm a woman and I'm language based in communication, but that doesn't change the importance of body language and tone for me. I'm not suggesting foregoing words, but rather, focussing on other parts of communication because the words don't appear to be working in the situation that's been described. If someone doesn't believe what you're telling them, then telling them again isn't the way to make them believe. 

I remember a quote like: "The definition of stupidity is trying the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results." I'm just suggesting an alternate approach.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

It seems she has lived with opposite extremes of health/weight with her mother being morbidly obese and her husband who is a bodybuilder. One way to celebrate various body shapes and sizes of gorgeous women, is going to a burlesque show. If she's focusing only on the bodybuilding physiques seen at competitions, it may be beneficial to balance that with seeing a variety of body sizes and shapes... sometimes with wobbly bits, cellulite and other typical body features, in the spotlight with an audience (and you, bbdad) cheering the women on as they present themselves confidently, sexily and playfully.

While my husband tells (tone and body language is key) and shows that he loves and desires me, the admiration is for my appearance as well as qualities beyond that. I believe him when he compliments me. His perspective on his own appearance is 'take it or leave it'. In the past, he once did the opposite to what some suggest here and asked 'Are you trying to convince me?' It stopped me in my tracks in the best possible way. Why would I be nit-picking myself, let alone trying to convince the very man I'm attracted to and who I want to keep attracted?

It's self-perpetuating to be surrounded by women who don't consider their appearance a big deal yet still take pride in themselves for health, feeling and looking good. There's an accepting, casual perspective. They also have other focuses in their life that contributes to self-worth. It really will come down to her recognizing that her self-worth is not related to the number on the scale. Working towards health and lifestyle goals while knowing that she is worthy of acceptance and love regardless. It must take a lot of energy to fill her mind with repetitive negative messages of self... what if that mental energy was channeled to something outside herself, perhaps even working towards something positive with others experiencing qualities more valuable than appearance?


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

During my first marriage, I had 3 children in under 2 years, the second pregnancy being twins. Of course I gained a bunch of weight, and through all that, my poor skin just gave out. I had horrible sagging skin hanging over the lower half of my abdomen, it was disgusting and I was very self conscious of it. My first husband made a comment to me once during an intimate moment: I was standing naked in front of him, has was sitting on the bed. He ran his hands down my body and said "I'm sorry that I ruined your body with those kids". That still stings 16 years later. 

My current husband always reassured me that it didn't bother him, I was beautiful, it's part of having those wonderful daughters, etc. Right after we got married, we decided to get it corrected for my sake with abdominoplasty. Well now, almost a year later, I realized that everything he said was true. Nothing between us changed, our sex life is fabulous, but it always was. He wasn't any more attracted to me now (or maybe I should say, I realized that he hadn't been any LESS attracted to me before. .ha! ) NOW I realize that he was genuine when he said it didn't matter to him. It only mattered to ME. But that is something I would've never believed from hearing it, only from experiencing it. 

Sometimes, no matter how much you reassure, we are stuck in our own heads. In my head I was"ruined", and nothing anyone said could change that. I assumed that I knew better than my husband, that I could read his thoughts when he was giving them freely. I based his view of me on someone else's. 

There's a kind of cool book "the four agreements" that talks about this kind of thing on a deeper level. It's a little weird, but maybe she's like it... I liked it. 

I'm not sure how any of this helps, but just a little food for thought I guess. This is tough. Hang in there, and keep on being supportive and loving like you are.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

I am constantly telling my wife she is hot, sexy, beautiful, and that I love her body. Not only do I tell her, I show her by getting "excited" just touching, holding, or kissing her. If that's not enough evidence that she is what I say she is, it's time for her to do things on her own to improve those parts she's not happy with.

She has definitely started "acting" like she is what I say she is more so than before I started saying these things consistently. She still wants to work on her body, and her desire to do so, in my opinion, just shows me that she cares enough not to let herself go.

She absolutely KNOWS she does IT for me, regardless of her self-image. She looks good naked, and with clothes on for that matter. I can't keep my eyes off of her, which is a dead give away! When she does say something negative about herself, I don't just let it ride. I remind her, and sometimes just pull her toward me, give her a hug, a kiss, and you guessed it..., PROOF!


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