# Playing the roles of both Mom and Step-Mom - torn over husband's choices.



## Misstep

Hoping to get some opinions to help me work through some torn emotions....

I am a stepmom to a 13 yr old boy (hubby's ex-girlfriend, never married) and my husband and I have an almost 2 year old girl.

Now, I have been in my stepson's life since he was 6 and I love him dearly. 

The issue I am having is that tonight is our scheduled night to have SS over, but he has a band concert at school. The concert doesn't start until 7pm so there isn't enough time for him to come over beforehand and afterwards he'd just be crawling into bed so isn't coming over at all. This happens every couple of months - always on a Thursday, which is always our scheduled parenting time. 

Because it doesn't start until 7, it is not ideal to drag my toddler out and have her sit through the concert with us. Her bedtime is typically 7:30 ans she gets super cranky. If we took her, it'd be a struggle the whole time with her and way past her normal bedtime by the time we got home. We've tried it before and it was not a good time. Because of this, I can't go to the concert and need to stay home with her.

My husband has gone without me in the past - which bothered me then (a whole other story where he assumed I knew he was going then walked in the door while I was cooking only to tell me he was going to the concert with his mom).

Today, he reminded me of the concert tonight and then asked if I minded if he goes without me.

I am torn. I don't want to be the one who stands between him and his son. I've always admired him for being in his son's life and being a responsible dad.

BUT, I am irritated that we consistently loose time together as a family due to the concerts always falling on our days (and other issues with the ex).

I understand he wants to support his (our) son, and I do too. I would go (and have) if it wasn't for our toddler. But I don't think I like him going every time, while I have to stay home and take care of our daughter.

Part of me feels guilty telling him I wish he would stay home and part of me feels upset because I wish he would choose us (our family being together) sometimes and not just skip off to whatever activity SS is involved in that we had no say/choice in him participating in (mom has full custody). 

I don't know. I love my stepson as a son, but I want my family together too - and I'm sorry but the harsh reality is that us 3 (me, my husband, and our daughter) is the core and my stepson just pops in and out. Is it so bad that I want my husband to support the core?

If he goes to the concert he's there with his ex and his kid, without me. And as much as I understand being a good dad and being there for his son, the whole thing just bothers and hurts me. 

Step-parents sacrifice a lot, it sucks, and perhaps I should just shut up and deal with it. But the feelings are still there - bordering on resentment, which I feel guilty about - and I don't know how to deal with them. (I should add that I have anxiety issues and PTSD from narcissistic abuse).

Help?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

It's Christmas concert season. I have to go to 2 this week. 
Once every couple months is NOT a lot considering you 3 have every other day at home together. 

Dad should be at the concert. He's not _not _choosing you guys, he spends every other night with you guys. These things are special and parents should be there. 

Picture 11 years from now if you and your husband were divorced and he had a new girl and child. Would you want him at your daughter's events or choose to stay home with his new family?


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## Misstep

If my husband and I were divorced, I would want him involved in his daughter's life, but I would understand if he couldn't always be there. He wouldn't be MY husband anymore and would be beholden to his new wife and family. He IS there for his son more often than not. Plus, they were never married.

The other thing that bothers me is - am I not allowed to feel upset or "mind"? Shouldn't part of marriage be I am allowed to tell him how I feel and he can choose to do with it what he wants. But if I tell him how I really feel, suddenly I am the bad guy and he gets all mad at me. I can't control my feelings - I can suppress them, but I don't believe that is healthy either. So what do I do with the feelings?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

This is once every couple of months on a day that you would have him anyway. It's not any inconvenience for you other than having to spend a couple hours without him.


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## happy2gether

So why not hire a sitter and go with him?


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## Misstep

Our daughter has been with my mom all day while we work and spent the night there last night. We haven't had any real family time all week because hubby gets home from work late most days (due to lovely construction traffic that's been going on for a couple years and is slated to continue for another year or so). Daughter has been with our parents more than she's been with us this week and she hasn't seen my husband more than thirty minutes a night.


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## Hicks

What you have to do is think about certain things.
1. You chose this. You chose to marry a man and make a baby with him knowing he had another child and an ex girlfriend as a mother.
2. To your husband, both of his children are his children so like any father he will make choices about which child will get his attention at any particular time.
3. Knowing number 1 and number 2, you are only thinking about yourself. It would be good for you to spend a little time thinking about your step son's lot in life. Step son has parents who never bothered to get married and didn't stay together. Dad marries younger model and has a new baby while step son gets to feel like an outsider and a burden. Perhaps knowing the good that will befall another human being (a minor child at that), by having his father there for him and supporting him, you will not only tolerate but actually begin to feel good about a choice like this.
4. If you can't do #3, you will possibly get divorced, your husband will then find a new wife, make a new baby, and it will be your child who experiences the broken family / outside looking in feelings that no child wants to experience.

Hopefully some of this helps. Oh and by the way, would this be any different if the SS was acutally your child? Your husband would be dividing his time amongst his two kids.


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## Misstep

@Hicks 

You're right and these are things I've thought about. #3 being the biggest reason why I ultimately told him to go to the concert. 

But inside I still feel upset. Not upset mad. Upset hurt. 

I get that it's not always about me. And that's probably the problem, because most of my childhood it wasn't about me either (Narc parents). I realize when I am trying to keep control of a situation and I know this is one of those times. 

I just want to be picked sometimes, you know? And having PTSD I never really know when my thoughts are realistic or not. Even when logically I know they aren't, I can't get my head and heart and gut to align. Hence, the torn emotions.

So this is more an issue of my emotional irregularity, huh?


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## SecondTime'Round

I think you are 100% wrong. There are a LOT of days in the year for you guys to be your little family unit. Would it bother you as much if he was going bowling with his buds?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

He did pick you. To marry, to have a child with, to share parenting of his son with. 
Are you in counselling about your past? I think this kind of thing would be good to vent out while at therapy but not to your husband. 
Don't make him feel like he has to choose between you and his son, it will cause resentment.


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## frusdil

Misstep said:


> @Hicks
> I just want to be picked sometimes, you know?


You are picked, every day that your husband is married to you, he picks you. Even on the days he's doing something with his son, he still picked you  It doesn't have to be either/or honey.

I'm stepmum to my beautiful SD, I've been in her life since she was 6 too. I love her so much, and would do anything for her. I think your hubby should be at every single event/concert/sport game that your son is involved in, regardless of what day of the week it is...he's not just a dad on Thursdays...he's a dad to 2 children 24/7. 

Not sure what his not being married to his ex has to do with anything? He's still a parent. The concert isn't about his ex, it's about his son.

As for your family being the core, I really hope you didn't say that to your husband...that will hurt him terribly. His son is his son, and as much a core part of his family as your daughter.


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## Holland

You have a blended family which is quite different to a family that is not blended, did you not consider this before marrying and having a child with your husband? Life is very different in blended families and a flexible mindset is very much needed.

It is only every couple of months, this is about his child not you. There is no "core" family, there are two families that are blended.

My advice is to take a few deep breaths and learn to broaden you mind, be flexible or your marriage will go under. Second marriages have a very high chance of failure and one of the biggest factors is to do with the children, don't push your husband into a corner it is not fair and not favourable to co existing as a blended family.

My partner and I have a blended family with 5 teenagers, we sought professional guidance very early on, had hours of discussion about our roles and how to go about making a blended family work well before even meeting each others kids. We both have time alone with our own bio kids and go to school functions with our bio kids and ex's. Unless you can take a step back and understand you are not in a traditional 2 bio parent family you are going to keep putting a strain on your marriage.

Have you ever discussed this with your husband properly? Did you talk about it before marriage? 

It is only fair and considerate that he give you notice well beforehand that he is going to an event with his son, I would make that request to him in a non confrontational way. Is it possible you have made it difficult for him to tell you beforehand that he is going or have you in the past given him grief about it?


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## hotshotdot

Stepmom here too. I think you need to put things in a different perspective. You get to see him every day, even if it's just 30 minutes it's more than your stepson gets with him. My hubby spends every other Sunday taking his son to football for at least 6 hours (he lives with his mom 2 hours away). Yes I hate that our family time together is so limited because of this but I also know that this is a good opportunity for them to have 1 on 1 time which they otherwise wouldn't have. So now I plan for "me time" when they're gone. I can go shopping, clean the house without interruption, watch something besides football on TV, take a nap, visit a friend, you get the picture... Make it about you & your daughter- have breakfast for dinner or something daddy doesn't like to eat, watch a girly kids movie together, something special for you & her. If you look at it as your own special time you won't feel upset about it & everyone wins.


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## Hicks

It's not your emotional irregularity and has nothing to do with all the pop pschology you are mentioning

Your feelings are typical of a young mother in this situation. There is a huge divorce rate for your situation.

You have taken on a challenge and you have to rise to that challenge. You have to really just think about things differently. Now, I have 3 kids and between my wife and I we do not get a lot of time together becuase we are constantly taking a kid somewhere, and the kids constantly have different things. So she goes to one and I go to the other. Now, my wife never thinks "How come he didn't pick me". Why would one wife (you) think along those lines and another wife not think along those lines? What I am trying to tell you is that there are many ways to think about or interpret the same thing.

But what you are pointing out is that it is important for your husband to demonstrate to you that you are a priority. As noted above he is doing that, but really that is all for naught if you really don't "recieve" it. I would ask do you show your husband that he is your #1 priority? If you are prioritizing your child over your husband, then it's not really fair to expect him not to do that.

In the bigger picture you have to look at it like this. There are 4 people in your family. Each has needs that are primarily met by you and your husband. You have to meet your husband's needs, he has to meet your needs, you have to meet the children's, your husband has to meet the children's needs... You get the picture. No marriage can be all give an no take. The think to look at is balance, and how much of your time, attention and energy and how much of his time, attention and energy are going where. And what is super important is are you putting energy into things that are not important to the reciever and is he putting energy in things that are not important to the reciver. This is a major source of problems... For example you spend all your time cleaning, and your husband does not care about a clean house, therefore you are puzzled as to why when you are "working so hard" does your husband not seem to be happy. 

Hope this gives you something to think over and work on.


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## Omego

So much great advice given on this thread. I too am part of a blended family. I actually encourage my H to see his kids separately (they're grown now). I don't have much of a relationship with my stepkids -- actually none, to tell you the truth. When they were young, it kind of worked out for a while, until it didn't.... anyway not here to thread jack. You're already very fortunate that you have a good relationship with your stepson. I would have loved for things to work out that way.

If your H gets alone time with his son, it's beneficial for everyone. He will feel as though he's doing his job as a parent, and not ignoring his son from a previous relationship. As others have said, he's with you everyday. 

Your feelings are normal but you'll have to accept that you're not in a 'normal' family. It's not easy, but you should already be thankful you've found a H you love and who loves you and that you've started a new family.

Whatever you do, don't make your H feel guilty for going to see his son, and don't make this issue about the ex-girlfriend. He's married to you, not her.


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## Malpheous

Skip the step part for a minute. How would you address this if both children were yours and his together? You'd hire a sitter and both go, you'd take the daughter, or one of you would go alone. It's what we do for our children. He's not going to be there with or for his ex. He's going for his son. I went to everything my daughter did. Didn't matter who's parenting time it was. If she had a doc's appointment and I knew about it, I took the time off and went so I was a part of her life and was able to fully exercise my voice in choices about her life.

You want your family together. His ex has full custody. What are you guys doing about increasing your husbands custody/parenting time? When's the last time it was reviewed? Has there been and significant changes in circumstance to warrant an increase?


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## Duguesclin

Misstep said:


> If my husband and I were divorced, I would want him involved in his daughter's life, but I would understand if he couldn't always be there. He wouldn't be MY husband anymore and would be beholden to his new wife and family. He IS there for his son more often than not. Plus, they were never married.
> 
> The other thing that bothers me is - am I not allowed to feel upset or "mind"? Shouldn't part of marriage be I am allowed to tell him how I feel and he can choose to do with it what he wants. But if I tell him how I really feel, suddenly I am the bad guy and he gets all mad at me. I can't control my feelings - I can suppress them, but I don't believe that is healthy either. So what do I do with the feelings?


OP, there is nothing wrong with expressing your feelings. You should not suppress them. They are there for a reason.

Your husband should not make you feel guilty, but should help you. 

I am not suggesting that he give up on his son's concerts. But he should be able to make time for everyone.

Your husband not addressing the issue is not healthy. And making you feel guilty is certainly not a way to fix problems.


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## frusdil

Misstep said:


> If my husband and I were divorced, I would want him involved in his daughter's life, but I would understand if he couldn't always be there. He wouldn't be MY husband anymore and would be beholden to his new wife and family. He IS there for his son more often than not. *Plus, they were never married*.


Correct, he wouldn't be your husband anymore, but he WOULD be your daughters father, and as such would want and have every right to be at everything she does. 

He would also be beholden to his new wife, that's true, but that doesn't have to be at the expense of his daughter. Nor does it have to be at the expense of his son, with you. Nor does it have to be at YOUR expense with the children. It doesn't have to be either/or. He can love you 100% and he can love his children 100%.

Can you explain why the fact that they were never married is in any way relevant to this? He's not going to the concerts to see his ex, he's going for his son.


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## Satya

If the quality of time you spend as a unit when you CAN all be together is not as meaningful and important to you as the less frequent times you CAN'T be together, then I think YOU should attempt to make those times TOGETHER all the more meaningful. 

You are expecting others to change their behavior for the sake of what you want. You are the only one capable of affecting change in this scenario. 

There's nothing unreasonable I can see in your husband attending a concert every now and then. He's allowed to have bonding time with his son, who preceeded you. But you knew this when you married him. Unless he's purposely and repeatedly avoiding you and your daughter to do things with his son, then I don't really understand the extent of your unfair situation. Seems to me he is trying to be a good man and a good dad.


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## Lilac23

Misstep said:


> Hoping to get some opinions to help me work through some torn emotions....
> 
> I am a stepmom to a 13 yr old boy (hubby's ex-girlfriend, never married) and my husband and I have an almost 2 year old girl.
> 
> Now, I have been in my stepson's life since he was 6 and I love him dearly.
> 
> The issue I am having is that tonight is our scheduled night to have SS over, but he has a band concert at school. The concert doesn't start until 7pm so there isn't enough time for him to come over beforehand and afterwards he'd just be crawling into bed so isn't coming over at all. This happens every couple of months - always on a Thursday, which is always our scheduled parenting time.
> 
> Because it doesn't start until 7, it is not ideal to drag my toddler out and have her sit through the concert with us. Her bedtime is typically 7:30 ans she gets super cranky. If we took her, it'd be a struggle the whole time with her and way past her normal bedtime by the time we got home. We've tried it before and it was not a good time. Because of this, I can't go to the concert and need to stay home with her.
> 
> My husband has gone without me in the past - which bothered me then (a whole other story where he assumed I knew he was going then walked in the door while I was cooking only to tell me he was going to the concert with his mom).
> 
> Today, he reminded me of the concert tonight and then asked if I minded if he goes without me.
> 
> I am torn. I don't want to be the one who stands between him and his son. I've always admired him for being in his son's life and being a responsible dad.
> 
> BUT, I am irritated that we consistently loose time together as a family due to the concerts always falling on our days (and other issues with the ex).
> 
> I understand he wants to support his (our) son, and I do too. I would go (and have) if it wasn't for our toddler. But I don't think I like him going every time, while I have to stay home and take care of our daughter.
> 
> Part of me feels guilty telling him I wish he would stay home and part of me feels upset because I wish he would choose us (our family being together) sometimes and not just skip off to whatever activity SS is involved in that we had no say/choice in him participating in (mom has full custody).
> 
> I don't know. I love my stepson as a son, but I want my family together too - and I'm sorry but the harsh reality is that us 3 (me, my husband, and our daughter) is the core and my stepson just pops in and out. Is it so bad that I want my husband to support the core?
> 
> If he goes to the concert he's there with his ex and his kid, without me. And as much as I understand being a good dad and being there for his son, the whole thing just bothers and hurts me.
> 
> Step-parents sacrifice a lot, it sucks, and perhaps I should just shut up and deal with it. But the feelings are still there - bordering on resentment, which I feel guilty about - and I don't know how to deal with them. (I should add that I have anxiety issues and PTSD from narcissistic abuse).
> 
> Help?


Can you get a babysitter to come watch your daughter at home so you could go with him to the concerts?


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