# How to approach old friend of spouse's bar hopping days, nights.



## herring (Sep 3, 2021)

Hello,
There have been redflags in our 10 year marriage. Here is one incident. We belong to a group who have houseboats, one guy she is has mentioned details about his houseboat. that I don't know about. We have both been aboard but in kitchen and main floor. One night I caught her swimming back from the direction of his boat. She said she swam to cool off. She wore her tiny bikini and normally wears it just for sunbathing on our top deck. The ladder on his house boat was down. There are more, but always a weird feeling in my gut not an outright "caught her"

This redflag is why I have a question, about every month She has gone out to diner with work friends. COVID stopped this but she this summer she began going out. Later I was surprised to find out it was a club with a dance floor. I asked what her boundaries where and she said it was only ever a dance or two. She said don't fret, her friends would take care of her and she limited herself to couple of drinks. When she came home I could she had more than a couple.

I want to ask this one woman from "dinner group", call her Suzy, about my wife's behaviour. Suzy is married now and has lost touch with my spouse. Suzy does not drink and was designated driver for the group. I get the feeling she wanted to tell me more about what my wife did and hinted that many times she could not find my wife when they were to leave. This might coincide with times wife came home late but she said they stopped at a woman's house that was close by to talk. This is a lie and I suppose proof, but of what?

Finally, the questions, I have Suzy's contact number. I want to touch base and ask her questions about my wife's behaviour. Wife told me she danced, never with same man. Suzy and husband have a home business mail order business and I have Suzy's cel. First is it a good idea to call her, Should I cold call her, what do I say if her husband answers. I could drop by and if husband is there could say I'm there for business. What questions should I ask?

This is all milling through my head and that isnot good. I need outside advise if this is even a good idea.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

To make this appear like less a gossip session <<since we know that men don't gossip, only women do>> try to relate your need to know to something current. Like applying for something.....


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

When it comes to proof of cheating you only need enough proof for yourself. Having said that, this woman was still a friend of your wife even if she doesn't speak to her now. Who knows what skeletons Suzy has in her closet that your wife knows about. I'd avoid talking to her and tipping your hand.

Your wife is going out to clubs, probably dressed sexy, drinking/dancing and coming home late. How much more "proof" do you really need? You said there have been red flags and I'd bet there are a LOT more incidents you could tell us about. It sucks man, but you already know the truth.

I will say this, don't confront her. If you confront her that will just drive her underground. For now just do the usual. Look at the cell phone bill, grab a peak at her phone, facebook, etc....


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## herring (Sep 3, 2021)

NTA said:


> To make this appear like less a gossip session <<since we know that men don't gossip, only women do>> try to relate your need to know to something current. Like applying for something.....


Took awhile to get to the question. Begining not needed.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

in the mean time, have you thought to place camera's inside and out side your house boat to see if you catch her trying to swim to his place? after 10 years of this, i would just ask for a polygraph or a divorce


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## herring (Sep 3, 2021)

Al_Bundy said:


> When it comes to proof of cheating you only need enough proof for yourself. Having said that, this woman was still a friend of your wife even if she doesn't speak to her now. Who knows what skeletons Suzy has in her closet that your wife knows about. I'd avoid talking to her and tipping your hand.
> 
> Your wife is going out to clubs, probably dressed sexy, drinking/dancing and coming home late. How much more "proof" do you really need? You said there have been red flags and I'd bet there are a LOT more incidents you could tell us about. It sucks man, but you already know the truth.
> 
> I will say this, don't confront her. If you confront her that will just drive her underground. For now just do the usual. Look at the cell phone bill, grab a peak at her phone, facebook, etc....


I get it about proof for myself. Is a private invistigator a better idea. I hear you about Suzy's skeletons that she wants hidden. She was the responsible type and why tell me things about the nights out. Wife wasn't dressed sexy but could have another outfit. That's what I keep milling around in my head. I don't know for sure. drinking dancing does not send me to a lawyer. She lied and that is bad. I'd divorce if I leared "other stuff" went on. Darnit I mill this around in my head and Suzy could have the answer. I will watch wife more. THNX


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

Sorry for what you are feeling @herring I hate to say but usually 9 times out of 10 your gut feeling especially after being married for 10 years is probably correct. I agree with Al above do not confront until you have indisputable proof. A few questions: Do you have kids? Do you think the going out with work friends for dinner could be a cover and she is actually meeting the houseboat guy at these dinners or clubs? Do you think she might be in a possible affair with houseboat guy? If so is he married? Do you think she could be fooling around with houseboat guy, but also just flirting with just guys in general (ONS) on nights out at clubs?

If it is really bothering you some suggestions if you have the financial means: A private investigator. A VAR and or GPS in her car (if legal in your state). A phone app that you could see her text and emails. Check the phone records as well to see if their is any numbers you do not know. Also if you have all of the contact info for your houseboat group see if they are calls to his number.Best of luck!


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

herring said:


> I get it about proof for myself. Is a private invistigator a better idea. I hear you about Suzy's skeletons that she wants hidden. She was the responsible type and why tell me things about the nights out. Wife wasn't dressed sexy but could have another outfit. That's what I keep milling around in my head. I don't know for sure. drinking dancing does not send me to a lawyer. She lied and that is bad. I'd divorce if I leared "other stuff" went on. Darnit I mill this around in my head and Suzy could have the answer. I will watch wife more. THNX


@herring a PI could be the best idea!
They will give you pictures and videos if any thing happens!


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

The gut is almost always right. Something is telling you that she isn't being a good girl here. I would simply watch her more closely. Maybe show up at the club she's going to. See her reaction.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

herring said:


> I get it about proof for myself. Is a private invistigator a better idea. I hear you about Suzy's skeletons that she wants hidden. She was the responsible type and why tell me things about the nights out. Wife wasn't dressed sexy but could have another outfit. That's what I keep milling around in my head. I don't know for sure. drinking dancing does not send me to a lawyer. She lied and that is bad. I'd divorce if I leared "other stuff" went on. Darnit I mill this around in my head and Suzy could have the answer. I will watch wife more. THNX


PI is definitely the way to go if you can. A lot of people like using voice activated recorders hidden in the suspect's car or gps devices too. The thing about Suzy is she's not your friend and she's married now. If you call and her husband answers, even if he's cool you're going have to tell him that his wife used to hang out with a woman who was cheating. The upside to contacting her is very limited while the downside potential is HUGE.

I can tell you from experience that once you do start uncovering stuff, the hardest thing will be to keep quiet. But you have to. She can find out when she gets served papers.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I just don't get why married people would go to a club and drink and dance with other people. 
It's asking for trouble.

I agree with the others. A polygraph, a VAR and possibly a PI.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Gabriel said:


> The gut is almost always right. Something is telling you that she isn't being a good girl here. I would simply watch her more closely. Maybe show up at the club she's going to. See her reaction.


 the problem with that is it would tip his hand as to being on to her.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

@Gabriel has just given you the best way to get to the bottom of this. No warning, let her go out and wait until she’s been there at least an hour before showing up. 

The gut feeling is rarely wrong. We get many threads from BHs who have fewer red flags, who end up finding out their worst fears were true. So you need to emotionally prepare yourself, so you can act decisively when the undeniable evidence presents itself. You don’t want to freeze into inaction or cower in fear of losing her because truth be told, you most likely have been unknowingly sharing her for some time.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Al_Bundy said:


> the problem with that is it would tip his hand as to being on to her.


True - so he could go to the club and stay unnoticed and watch what she's doing, perhaps. If they have locations on their phones he could see where she is, too.

Other than that, OP, I'd check her browser history, phone, social media, stuff like that to get as informed as possible before you go accusing her.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

jsmart said:


> @Gabriel has just given you the best way to get to the bottom of this. No warning, let her go out and wait until she’s been there at least an hour before showing up.
> 
> The gut feeling is rarely wrong. We get many threads from BHs who have fewer red flags, who end up finding out their worst fears were true. So you need to emotionally prepare yourself, so you can act decisively when the undeniable evidence presents itself. You don’t want to freeze into inaction or cower in fear of losing her because truth be told, you most likely have been unknowingly sharing her for some time.


Party girls don't make for great marriage partners, typically. I'd say the same for "party boys", but guys don't go to clubs and dance around, get drinks bought for them, etc. Not straight ones, anyway.

Going out to dinner once a month with friends is not a problem though - that's a healthy social thing to do.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Go online and check your phone bill first. It’s quick and easy. You can download and sort calls and texts.

Mouth shut. Eyes and ears open. Like most you want proof which is hard. If you can afford it get a PI. Don’t dawdle on this. Get it done.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Gabriel said:


> True - so he could go to the club and stay unnoticed and watch what she's doing, perhaps. If they have locations on their phones he could see where she is, too.
> 
> Other than that, OP, I'd check her browser history, phone, social media, stuff like that to get as informed as possible before you go accusing her.


Yeah if the concern was where she was going after then yes I could see but still, why not hire a professional to take care of that and who can collect evidence. Also the last thing he needs is to get into a fight with one of her lovers at the club because she'd be able to use that as evidence of him being "violent".


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## herring (Sep 3, 2021)

HappilyMarried1 said:


> Do you think she could be fooling around with houseboat guy, but also just flirting with just guys in general (ONS) on nights out at clubs?
> 
> No Housboat guy lives in another state but close to lake. My head goes nuts what she did while at bars, I don't beleive her so I go back to want to ask Suzy.





Gabriel said:


> Party girls don't make for great marriage partners, typically. I'd say the same for "party boys", but guys don't go to clubs and dance around, get drinks bought for them, etc. Not straight ones, anyway.
> 
> Going out to dinner once a month with friends is not a problem though - that's a healthy social thing to do.


I have not been a door mat but I've let her stuff slide. Stuck in the house with lockdown we had talks about limits and how she'd like if I went dancing. She was not happy if I did that. From what I get from facebook posts photos now is she goes to diner to help women in business and she's home by 10 or 11.

I have a recorder and will hide it to her car. I see that our phone records have a excel download. I'll check if it can be sorted and find something.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

*No Housboat guy lives in another state but close to lake. My head goes nuts what she did while at bars, I don't believe her so I go back to want to ask Suzy.*

Hey @herring I would do what you said about the recorder and check the phone records, but I would advise against talking to Suzy. I would lay low and not let on to your wife that your have any suspicions about anything unless you know something that she does not know that you know and send her a text if she is out and ask where she is like that. I would hire a PI about a 3-5 days before she goes out and go that route. I would also put a GPS on her car.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

herring said:


> She said she swam to cool off. She wore her tiny bikini and normally wears it just for sunbathing on our top deck. The ladder on his house boat was down. There are more, but always a weird feeling in my gut not an outright "caught her"


Security camera pointing at the other houseboat and ladder would seem the obvious next step.
Worried about bar with dance floor, turn up half way through the evening for a drink, no need for her to see you, and if she does, "Oh, this is the bar you come to".
Forget Suzy, she'll just lie.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Gabriel said:


> Party girls don't make for great marriage partners, typically. I'd say the same for "party boys", but guys don't go to clubs and dance around, get drinks bought for them, etc. Not straight ones, anyway.
> 
> Going out to dinner once a month with friends is not a problem though - that's a healthy social thing to do.


Disagree,
Singles nights out are always a prelude to cheating. 
If she wants time out with her friends, stick to daytime meetings.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Question:

It’s been going on for ten years. Why are you worried about it NOW?


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

The boat story is worrying. If she is not cheating with that guy then she is flirting with disaster. Something is definitely up with her. Is sounds like she is behaving as if she were single. Good luck with the VAR. If you can get access to her phone you could try a data recovery app to view deleted text messages.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

herring said:


> Suzy is married now and has lost touch with my spouse. Suzy does not drink and was designated driver for the group. I get the feeling she wanted to tell me more about what my wife did and hinted that many times she could not find my wife when they were to leave.


If Suzy wants to give you some information, I'd give her an opportunity to do so.

Assuming she really has lost touch with your spouse & won't out you.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Noman said:


> If Suzy wants to give you some information, I'd give her an opportunity to do so.
> 
> Assuming she really has lost touch with your spouse & won't out you.


Suzy may take the opportunity to "catch up" and let OP's wife know he was asking. Too risky at this point.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

manwithnoname said:


> Suzy may take the opportunity to "catch up" and let OP's wife know he was asking. Too risky at this point.


Yes, it is possible she could out him, but if she was hinting that she wanted to talk to him, she might be more on his side than his wife's.

Still, probably better to gather intel first.

But...it he could just somehow "bumip into her", who knows what she might say over a latte at Starbucks?

Decisions, decisions.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> Disagree,
> Singles nights out are always a prelude to cheating.
> If she wants time out with her friends, stick to daytime meetings.


Going out to dinner with friends is a prelude to cheating? Are you serious?

Clubbing, I get. But any spouse that doesn't allow their mate to have dinner with their friends is a prison warden.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Gabriel said:


> Going out to dinner with friends is a prelude to cheating? Are you serious?
> 
> Clubbing, I get. But any spouse that doesn't allow their mate to have dinner with their friends is a prison warden.


I agree.... but the location of these dinners can be highly suspect. And cheaters are notorious for stretching boundaries and choosing “restaurants” that are actually bars.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I agree that Suzy probably won't be helpful and even if she were to spill the beans, her testimony likely isn't necessary if you go the VAR and phone record route. If you keep your eyes and ears open and your mouth shut, you'll get the info you need. 

I also think that a PI on her tail the next time she goes out will also give you the info that you need. 

Now to be fair, a lot of these party girls don't actually have actual intercourse with these guys and so then they can come home and say they just danced and had a good time and they are "just friends" etc etc and that "nothing happened." 

A PI will likely have footage of her flirting and partying, her rubbing up against and flattering men who buy her drinks, dirty dancing with lots of grinding and feeling each other up and maybe even some making out and perhaps even some mutual fingering and maybe even a BJ here and there. 

But the point I am trying to make here is what is ok with YOU? You asked her about HER boundaries with other men (which she could easily lie to your face about) But what is YOUR boundary???? 

Are you ok with her going out on the town like a single woman? 

Are you ok with her schmoozing up to and flirting with men who buy her drinks?

Are you ok with her dirty dancing and grinding her lady bits into his hard schlong?

Are you ok with her making out? 

Are you ok with her getting fingered?

Are you ok with her giving a BJ in the bathroom?

Where is the line for YOU in this???? And does she know or even care what your boundary is??


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Just a side note: Suzy isn't going to spill the beans......... but her husband might. She won't tell you what your wife has done but she has likely told her H what she has done. He may have even been present and saw it with his own eyes. 

It has to be in person though. Take the husband out for a few beers at a club and point out all the married men and women acting like college freshman at their first campus party and then ask him to his face if he is aware of antics of your wife in the past. 

He won't have to say a word as the look on his face will tell you everything,


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

I would do some close recon / PI for a while and try to catch her. Suzy is not going anywhere, so I would plan to call her, but only when other methods of investigation do not pan out.

It sounds very much like you have a problem on your hands.

Setup some VARs / cameras.


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## herring (Sep 3, 2021)

HappilyMarried1 said:


> Hey @herring I would do what you said about the recorder and check the phone records, but I would advise against talking to Suzy.


I got 3 statements for phone records and I will take pics of her contacts and match them up. Put recorder in car last night under dash then went out for snack. Not a good sound with the close up setting. Will try the far setting. Alright I won't talk to Suzy. That's what all the posts tell me.


ElwoodPDowd said:


> Security camera pointing at the other houseboat and ladder would seem the obvious next step.


Boats are swinging around while on anchor, one of those super wide angle can keep it aimed, Can't hide it good. Maybe put it by radar and tell her it's for thiefs?


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## herring (Sep 3, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> her rubbing up against and flattering men who buy her drinks, dirty dancing with lots of grinding and feeling each other up and maybe even some making out and perhaps even some mutual fingering and maybe even a BJ here and there.
> 
> But the point I am trying to make here is what is ok with YOU? You asked her about HER boundaries with other men (which she could easily lie to your face about) But what is YOUR boundary????
> Where is the line for YOU in this???? And does she know or even care what your boundary is??


I have gone with the boys out to clubs. Have gone to strip clubs but not a lap dance. I and the boys don't grind, finger or got a BJ. Mostly drink, ******** and sometimes dance if I get asked. That's my boundaries and that is what I tell my wife when I get home.



HappilyMarried1 said:


> Hey @herring I would do what you said about the recorder and check the phone records, but I would advise against talking to Suzy.


I got 3 statements for phone records and I will take pics of her contacts and match them up. Put recorder in car last night under dash then went out for snack. Not a good sound with the close up setting. Will try the far setting. Alright I won't talk to Suzy. That's what all the posts tell me.


ElwoodPDowd said:


> Security camera pointing at the other houseboat and ladder would seem the obvious next step.


Boats are swinging around while on anchor, one of those super wide angle can keep it aimed, Can't hide it good. Maybe put it by radar and tell her it's for thiefs?


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

You are trying awfully hard to give her the benefit of the doubt. Why? 

You have been suspecting stuff for 10 years? 

If my wife would stay out late and come home drunk ONCE, there would be hell to pay. 

Swimming late in a bikini? Right. 

This is blatant disrespect. You must give her a good life AND she can can get some on the side when she wants. 

That is called "cake eating" and you have been making excuses for her...

I would be talking to a lawyer faster than you can say her name.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Gut feelings are there for a reason. Go full force detective mode. Most hang back thinking it’ll just go away. It won’t. Do not confront until you get what you need. All that does is drive it further undergo. If it is cheating they will lie. Always.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

The subconscious mind can process 20,000,000 bits per second. The conscious mind 40 bits per second. If your gut is telling you something there's a reason for it.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

uphillbattle said:


> The subconscious mind can process 20,000,000 bits per second. The conscious mind 40 bits per second. If your gut is telling you something there's a reason for it.


The concept is near to good.
The figures are not so good.
"Gut feeling" also called intuition is no less but no more than a hidden inference process.
Sometimes a valuable one.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

herring said:


> I have gone with the boys out to clubs. Have gone to strip clubs but not a lap dance. I and the boys don't grind, finger or got a BJ. Mostly drink, ****** and sometimes dance if I get asked. That's my boundaries and that is what I tell my wife when I get home.


You have either misunderstood or are intentionally avoiding my question.

My question is what is YOUR boundaries for what you will tolerate from HER behavior with other men???


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

Welcome to the world of being cheated on. get a PI and get proof and then divorce her sorry butt.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

Hey @herring any luck on the VAR or update?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

install a GPS tracker and a VAR somewhere in that bikini!


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I wouldn’t appreciate a married woman asking my husband about something like that. I’d find other ways to find out what you need to know. Sorry you’re in this predicament


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