# Husband verbally and physiclly abusive and throwing temper tantrums



## womanintrouble (Feb 2, 2013)

Dear All,

I am a women in trouble. Please help me. My husband of last five years has always had temper tantrums once or twice every month. Things would get ugly but he never hit me, though he would show his strength in different ways. But yesterday he did. What should I do now maybe I provoked him. Please tell me, what should i do now.

Thank you.

Women in trouble.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

I am so sorry you're dealing with this situation. You must feel absolutely confused, betrayed, hurt, and many other things  Please know that NONE of it is your fault, it's all his. There is nothing you could do that would warrant verbal or physical abuse.

First of all, if you can, leave the house. Just do it. You need to show him you do not deal with physical abuse at all. You need to make it clear to him that what he did is *not* acceptable in your marriage, and you need to stick by that, no matter how hard it may be. Out of control temper or not, he CHOSE to do what he did, and you need to stop it in it's tracks. If you show you will put up with it, he will choose to do it again and again.

My husband is the same way with his temper, and in the last few years he's improved tremendously, though still has issues with his anger/temper. In the past there were rare instances when he had gotten angry enough to physically abuse me (not beat me up, but he hit me once, and pushed/blocked me multiple times) He's for the last 2 years been clean of those issues through hard work. I'll tell you about it just in case your husband is like mine, but seriously, *abuse is nothing to put up with*! So please leave the situation right now if possible. It's imperative you show him that you will not put up with abuse.

In my case, I left, but because I felt strongly that my husband's issues may be fixed (mostly because I saw how hard he worked to stop the physical abuse) I gave him the benefit of a doubt and started to work with him to figure out the problem. The problem I found with my husband is he does not have very strong EQ, and has difficulty identifying, and controlling his emotions appropriately. Also like women have a monthly rise and fall in hormones, men also have a rise and fall of testosterone, which can make things worse. Finally, men often internalize stress and not talk about it. This all leads to crazy outbursts of emotion at inappropriate times that lead to "temper tantrums", verbal abuse, physical abuse, and beyond. 

So for my husband, we've been working on helping him identify his emotions, and taking different actions when he feels that way. After a couple years it's helped in over 80% of the cases, and physical abuse stopped years ago (and yes I've had to help him by gently notifying him when I feel he's getting close to a breaking point, as it's something I can almost feel radiating off him). It's a very long and difficult process, even when the husband is very open to changing, because he's had a lifetime of dealing with his emotions and stress in the same way.

Also, during a tantrum, ALWAYS walk away. Do not engage. He is beyond your help at that point, and in his uncontrolled state, will only use you as the bouncing board for his high levels of stress and emotions, escalating the situation. Just calmly tell him you love him, but cannot communicate with him when he's being that way, and you'll be back when he's calmed down. You will also be leading by example, and it can help him be calmer as well.

I am not saying that you should work with your husband on these things, because physical and verbal abuse should be shut down and walked away from the beginning. But if you decide your husband is like mine, there may be hope, but it all depends on him.

Big hugs and support, and I hope you are okay.

EDIT: This BOOK is very good if you have a husband willing to work with you (and make sure he is sincerely willing).


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

womanintrouble said:


> Dear All,
> 
> I am a women in trouble. Please help me. My husband of last five years has always had temper tantrums once or twice every month. Things would get ugly but he never hit me, though he would show his strength in different ways. But yesterday he did. What should I do now maybe I provoked him. Please tell me, what should i do now.
> 
> ...


It sounds to me like you're in the typical abusive cycle, and that it just escalated from emotional abuse to physical abuse, as I mentioned in Signs and Symptoms of Emotional Abuse. 

One thing I want you to do RIGHT NOW is to change your thinking. Even if you provoke others, they always have a choice about how they respond. He could have walked away. 

Your situation is going to get worse whether you do or don't take action now. If you do take action, it will get intense and difficult for a while and you'll either end up splitting up or getting rid of the abuse. If you do not take action, the abuse will get worse and worse as time passes. 

I know from experience how loving and terrific he seems right after one of these episodes, and how good it makes YOU feel when he's making up for it. But that "bad" stuff is always going to haunt your relationship if HE doesn't discover that these behaviors hurt HIM worse than anyone else.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

A couple of things. First, what is a show of strength? It's natural instinctive reaction going back to our days as caveman for men to raise their voices, and become demonstrative when angry, and frankly most men don't understand the fear it puts in women. Many women see it as emotionally abusive and men are just arguing the way they do naturally. If thats all it is you have to make him understand. He needs to be able to be angry w/o bringing you fear. It's something men should learn as they grow up, but many don't.

edit: I missed that he hit you. Yeah. Leave and stay gone.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Non condoning hitting women, but this guy has been married for five years and presumably he dated this woman for some period before getting married. A "hit" can mean lots of things and by the OP's admission, this is the first time he's done so. Might be a little premature to suggest divorce. I've got the patience of Job but I'm human. I've never hit my wife but even the sweetest, best trained dog on earth will bite if you poke it with a stick long enough. I don't know what transpired between these two and neither does anyone else on this forum (other than the OP). If this guy can control his rage for maybe 6 or 7 years, he's hardly out of control or a menace to society. If he beat the snot out of her, he probably needs to go to jail and she probably should get a divorce. If it's considerably less than that, counseling, some anger management, learning decent stress combating skills and communication skills might work. Anyone on this earth is capable of hitting with sufficient provocation or under the right stress.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

"he would show his strength in different ways"

Please tell us what he did to show his strength. I can guess what you are talking about but would rather have your clarify this.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Woman, the frequent temper tantrums, verbal abuse, and physical abuse you mention are some of the red flags for having strong traits of a personality disorder. Yet, if that were the case with your H, you would be seeing many more dysfunctional traits than what you've mentioned so far. I therefore ask whether you've seen most of the following traits occuring at a strong and persistent level:

1. Black-white thinking, wherein he categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents him from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard;
5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you,;
6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
7. Low self esteem;
8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;
9. Fear of abandonment or being alone;
10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image he validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
11. Lack of impulse control, wherein he does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);
12. Complaining that all his previous GFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated him well;
13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
14. Relying on you to center and ground him, giving him a sense of direction because his goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
15. Relying on you to sooth him and calm him down, when he is stressed, because he has so little ability to do self soothing;
16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
17. Taking on the personality of whatever person he is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
18. Always convinced that his intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that he regards his own feelings as self-evident facts, despite his inability to support them with any hard evidence.
Woman, if your H does not exhibit most of those traits strongly, please ignore the list. If he does exhibit most of them, however, it would be helpful for us to know which ones are the very strongest. It also would be helpful if you would tell how bad the physical abuse was on the one time it occurred. 

Of course, you are not capable of diagnosing your H's issues. There is a world of difference, however, between diagnosing and simply spotting the red flags (i.e., strong occurrences of the behavioral traits). Significantly, there is nothing subtle about traits such as temper tantrums, inability to trust, and verbal abuse.


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## womanintrouble (Feb 2, 2013)

Dear All,

Thank you for your kind responses and sharing your stories. I am glad that I am not the only one who thinks that. We were arguing but it went down spiral and he hit me. Now, we have agreed that we would work on our problems and give our marriage a chance. 

Mrs NotSure whattodo: Thanks for the information about the book. Next time when I think he is going to start the tantrum, I am going to walk away.

Uptown: My husband has all the traits except 12, 13, and 17. some more than others but all of them all present. 1,3, 4,6,8,10 are more pronounced. After our discussion on the fight I now know that he need me to soothe him when he is angry but do not want to do the same for me. He wants things in the certain way, if they are not, then it is not acceptable. 

Everybody in his family thinks that feeding his ego is the only way for the girls(asian thinking: arranged marriage). I am going to move rationally in future with him. He is insecure in himself and it hurts him if I even say women are equal to man.

I will observe him for next six months and if I see signs of improvement, I will stay with him otherwise I will create my own life my way.

Thank you all for your help. Please let me know if I can do something better.

Women in Trouble


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

womanintrouble said:


> Uptown: My husband has all the traits except 12, 13, and 17. some more than others but all of them all present. 1,3, 4,6,8,10 are more pronounced.


Woman, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., the frequent temper tantrums, relying on you for soothing, verbal abuse, and physical abuse -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. Likewise, the 18 behaviors listed above are typical BPD traits.

Indeed, physical abuse against one's spouse is strongly associated with BPD. A 1993 Canadian study, for example, found that about half of the male spouse batterers had full-blown BPD and nearly all of the remaining half had another type of personality disorder. See Roger Melton's description of the study results at Romeo's Bleeding - When Mr. Right Turns Out To Be Mr. Wrong -- Health & Wellness -- Sott.net.

I caution, however, that BPD is a "spectrum disorder," which means it affects us all to some degree. That is, every adult on the planet will occasionally exhibit all of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if the person is emotionally healthy. These traits become a problem only when they are so strong and persistent that they distort one's perception of other peoples' intentions, thereby undermining one's ability to form close attachments and maintain them for a long time. 

At issue, then, is NOT whether your H exhibits all 18 traits. Of course he does. We ALL do to some degree. Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits most of them at a strong and persistent level. I therefore suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- all by yourself for a visit or two -- to obtain a professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with.

I also suggest that, while you're waiting for an appointment, you read more about BPD traits so you are able to spot all the warning signs. Of course, you cannot diagnose your H's issues. Only a professional can do that. You nonetheless are capable of spotting the red flags (i.e., strong occurrences of BPD traits) when they happen. There is nothing subtle about traits such as verbal abuse, physical abuse, irrational jealousy and temper tantrums.

An easy place to begin reading is my post describing BPD traits in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings a bell, I will be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, Woman.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

womanintrouble said:


> Dear All,
> 
> Thank you for your kind responses and sharing your stories. I am glad that I am not the only one who thinks that. We were arguing but it went down spiral and he hit me. Now, we have agreed that we would work on our problems and give our marriage a chance.
> 
> ...


While I have never hit a woman, I have thrown my share of tantrums in the beginning of my marriage as I was still immature and had zero control over my anger. Observing for six months seems a bit long. You may want to actually plan an exit strategy and use it if he even shows signs of hurting you physically again.

And that part about getting upset if you suggest a woman is equal to a man almost made vomit. He's a caveman.


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