# as a BS how do you now react when you see cheating?



## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

I ran into a person that I work with today by chance. I was on my way out of town with my children and stopped for a bite to eat. I notice a couple walk in and while they waited to be seated they were hugging and kissing. I began to think how I missed that kind of closeness with my STBXWW and then I realized that I knew the guy. I then realized that the woman he was hugging and kissing was not his wife. A sudden coldness can over me. I felt all of the feelings rush back to me that I felt when I discovered my STBXWW's affair.

Needless to say I lost my appetite immediately. For the rest of the day I could not stop thinking about what I saw and wondering if there was any honesty left in the world.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I've always hated seeing it and had zero tolerance with anyone I have known.

Like you, however, it now hits really hard if I even hear about it.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I find it depressing to be honest. I don't get triggers or get angry about it anymore. It just worries me however that you ultimately can never really know someone. You can spend decades with your spouse, but a few chance encounters with the other person can wipe out all those years of love and devotion that you gave them. 

I actually went through a stage where I'd look at happy couples and think, "he'll probably end up having an affair with a co-worker or she'll be the married neighbour's mistress". A sad outlook I know. But I just think in our modern age, infidelity is becoming increasingly inevitable. Even if you have all the boundaries in the world, there has to something innate within you that forbids crossing that line.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you now his wife? Are you going to tell her what you saw?


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

It's life is it not? We were on a business trip this week wife and I made it a vacation us and 7 others. At least 3 were unfaithful flirting, joking, being silly at a Hibachi bar, all three left with random people and said "See ya'll tom " they said........ the wife and I just went back to the hotel and enjoyed ourselves. This was two women and one man all in there early to late 30's all married.

Obviously they are unhappy souls are we going to go attempt to find there spouses and tell them? No we are not it's not our place it's their marriage.

Good friends would be different, but this is life. Do we going around outing everyone for every indescretion from speeding, alcohol, lieing, cheating, taxes, cronyism, etc etc? No..........it just makes me said nothing more nothing less.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

I am fascinated by it. I want to pick it apart and understand it. I want the people involved to pick it apart and understand it.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> I am fascinated by it. I want to pick it apart and understand it. I want the people involved to pick it apart and understand it.


I had a similar reasoning before it happened to me. Not cheating in particular but actions that fall in the same category in my opinion. Deceiving trust and self destructive habits. I don't find "interesting" anymore. I just wished it didn't exist.

I get triggers when I read wayward spouses that don't seem to be remorseful for what they've done. People that rationalize it as it it was an unavoidable thing, a step necessary to their self fullfilment. That pisses me off like nothing ever did.
Considering someone's devastation as a collateral damage to an accomplishement is just the essence of what will run humanity into extinction, in my opinion.

Cheating sums up every hurtful and horrible trait of "wise" sapiens. Animals deceive each others all the time, but they don't know better.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Torrivien said:


> Animals deceive each others all the time, but they don't know better.


Actually, animals know better than us. They usually use deception in order to survive. We use it primarily for our own selfish purposes. Big difference.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I see cheating now as I always have: Cowardly.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Actually, animals know better than us. They usually use deception in order to survive. We use it primarily for our own selfish purposes. Big difference.


Deception is not per se a foul. To be expected in nature and on the pitch. What makes deception in marriage interesting is context. Each spouse places unguarded and unqualified trust in the other knowing that either could deceive the other in their reliance to their massive injury and detriment. It's that trust that forges the bond.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> Deception is not per se a foul. To be expected in nature and on the pitch. What makes deception in marriage interesting is context. Each spouse places unguarded and unqualified trust in the other knowing that either could deceive the other in their reliance to their massive injury and detriment. It's that trust that forges the bond.


Hmmm...very interesting HB. Great insight that none of us really wants! It's like my counselor said the other day regarding asking for details: It's the last thing we wanna know and the first thing we ask.

I don't wanna know that she trusted _him_.

But she did.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Do you now his wife? Are you going to tell her what you saw?


I only met her once so no, I don't know her. I don't really know him that well either. If I did know her I would find a discreet way of giving her a heads up.

Several friends knew or at least suspected my STBXW's affair...not one of them said anything to me...I wish they would have.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

I definitely have a harsh few, and seeing it in real life triggers me sometimes. Hell, I was once watching some movie on USA with some group of middle aged single women giggling about one of them sleeping with a married man and I had to change the channel with a grimace on my face. 

Seeing affairs glamorized on TV like gang violence really pisses me off.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Hmmm...very interesting HB. Great insight that none of us really wants! It's like my counselor said the other day regarding asking for details: It's the last thing we wanna know and the first thing we ask.
> 
> I don't wanna know that she trusted _him_.
> 
> But she did.


I suppose that is another side of mutually assured destruction.


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

Decimated said:


> I ran into a person that I work with today by chance .. they were hugging and kissing.


I wonder why they'd be so open and affectionate in a town where people obviously know them?

Maybe they were relatives and it was nonsexual affection

Maybe they're separated

Maybe they've got an open marriage

Maybe the wife is cheating on the husband as well

Maybe the wife stopped giving hubby sex over 10 years ago but he doesn't want to leave her and he's got needs

Maybe no one cares


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Decimated said:


> I only met her once so no, I don't know her. I don't really know him that well either. If I did know her I would find a discreet way of giving her a heads up.
> 
> Several friends knew or at least suspected my STBXW's affair...not one of them said anything to me...I wish they would have.


Actually this gives you a clear path to telling her what you saw since you're not burning a close friendship in doing so.

Do it anonymously if you have to.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Kasler said:


> I definitely have a harsh few, and seeing it in real life triggers me sometimes. Hell, I was once watching some movie on USA with some group of middle aged single women giggling about one of them sleeping with a married man and I had to change the channel with a grimace on my face.
> 
> Seeing affairs glamorized on TV like gang violence really pisses me off.


What about chic lit? Stuff is noxious, indulgent, and insipid. I think it re-wire my wife's brain.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I work at a bar where a man was busted by his wife. It was big show when it happened. The day it happened I had a great conversation with the man. The OW was butt ugly and his wife was beautiful. He still comes in the OW, I also want to dump my tray on him when I walk by. I won't even talk to him. It is funny how I can point the couples having affairs now.


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> I work at a bar where a man was busted by his wife. It was big show when it happened. The day it happened I had a great conversation with the man. The OW was butt ugly and his wife was beautiful. He still comes in the OW, I also want to dump my tray on him


He was caught cheating by his wife, and they're still married and he's still cheating on her.

He's not the problem here, he's only a symptom.

I'd dump my tray on the wife who continues to put up with him and his infidelity.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

It wasn't' in our town...it was about an hour away. They were headed somewhere for the weekend. I reconized his car in the lot when we were leaving...it was packed for a trip. Definitely not related...kissing like that with his hands on her ass. I know they are not seperated.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Before I was cheated on, it was just like watching the nightly news, you just get numb to it all. I think it all changes when you have lived through being cheated on for years on end. 

Your see it all around you... the gym, at work, even at church. While I would not get directly personally involved, I have no issues with anonymously calling or sending an email to expose the cheat. I would of welcomed that call or email many years ago. It would of saved years of my life that were stolen without regard.

A little story of telling... About a decade ago, my wife, our children, and most of my side of the family took a week vacation to a resort island 30 miles off the coast of Florida. We went to this little restaurant in the middle of nowhere for lunch. Sitting next to us was this man that I recognized from church back home 1000 miles away. My wife sees him and asks if he and "Janice" were vacationing, Janice was my wife's good friend in college. He looks at us and about passes out, mumbles, stands up, and starts to walk. About that time, this beautiful blond (not Janice) walks up grabs him around the neck and kisses him on the mouth. They makes a quick exit. 

I was like damn... busted in the middle of Gulf of Mexico, 1000 miles from home. I look at my wife and she just kind of ignores it all and tells me it's none of our business and she doesn't want to talk about it. I asked her if she was going to talk to Janice. No! 

My wife had been in an EAPA for about 6 months at the time.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

RWB said:


> Before I was cheated on, it was just like watching the nightly news, you just get numb to it all. I think it all changes when you have lived through being cheated on for years on end.
> 
> Your see it all around you... the gym, at work, even at church. While I would not get directly personally involved, I have no issues with anonymously calling or sending an email to expose the cheat. I would of welcomed that call or email many years ago. It would of saved years of my life that were stolen without regard.
> 
> ...


Likely Janice knew about your wife's sexcapades. Mutual destrucion assured in case he talked to her.


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## artlady (Jul 17, 2011)

Funny... I used to be a writer years ago, and I wrote two stories that had to do with affairs. They were very romantic (eyeroll). And when I would occasionally read romances that had to do with affairs, I thought nothing of it.

Wow, how that changed after my H. had an affair! I don't personally know anyone who's having one, but even eighteen months later, I see movies that have infidelity in them, or hear about cheaters, it either makes me incredibly sad or my blood boil. Mostly because I know exactly how the BSs feel.

One of my sisters is a serial cheater. I don't have to say anything because her husband is well aware of it. But it's hard to have respect for her when I know what she's done (she doesn't know I know).


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I feel like I am on a crusade on other message and IRL to rail against inappropriate friendships and EAs. Reassuring others there is nothing jealous and insecure about asking for what you want and leaving the relationship if you don't get it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Hmmm...very interesting HB. Great insight that none of us really wants! It's like my counselor said the other day regarding asking for details: It's the last thing we wanna know and the first thing we ask.
> 
> I don't wanna know that she trusted _him_.
> 
> But she did.


I did not want to know. How I found out that my wife and her lover had had sex was when I reached for her for a cuddle, she jumped out of my grasp and shouted: "You are just like OM! All you ever think about is sex!" 

In her next breath she told me we were no longer a couple. I totally lost it and she looked at me, stunned. She apologised for what she had just said, saying: "I didn't mean it. I am sorry I have hurt you with my affair. I never meant to hurt you."


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## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

I haven't been in a situation like the OP since my wife's affair became known to me, but I tend to think that if I noticed something like that I would definitely have to tell the guys wife. At least through an anonymous means. Maybe it is easy to say this because of the pain that I am going through, but I just think the wife deserves to know what is going on behind her back. I wish I would have received some sort of heads up.

Reminds me of a quote from a wise man.

"The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict."

~Martin Luther King, Jr.


This quote may have been said in reference to racial equality, but it can easily be applied to this kind of situation in my eyes.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Decimated said:


> I ran into a person that I work with today by chance. I was on my way out of town with my children and stopped for a bite to eat. I notice a couple walk in and while they waited to be seated they were hugging and kissing. I began to think how I missed that kind of closeness with my STBXWW and then I realized that I knew the guy. I then realized that the woman he was hugging and kissing was not his wife. A sudden coldness can over me. I felt all of the feelings rush back to me that I felt when I discovered my STBXWW's affair.
> 
> Needless to say I lost my appetite immediately. For the rest of the day I could not stop thinking about what I saw and wondering if there was any honesty left in the world.


I use to be numb to it until it happened to me, but I never cared for it.
Now I can spot it from a mile away. You just get that feeling when you notice people and determine what they are doing is in fact. I actually feel all the feelings as if it was happening to me again. I get angry, clammy hands, and the blood leaves my face. I hate to react to it like a mini-trigger but I do.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

donders said:


> He was caught cheating by his wife, and they're still married and he's still cheating on her.
> 
> He's not the problem here, he's only a symptom.
> 
> I'd dump my tray on the wife who continues to put up with him and his infidelity.


I have not seen the wife since that day. And how dare you blame her. He is the cheater.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Last week I took a client out to dinner. I met him at the restaurant, and he was with (who I assumed was) his wife. She seemed young, but I didn't think anything of it. He was wearing his wedding ring, and they were very flirty, and loving, and it was just cute to see even at 60, a couple can still act like they are in high school. Cute and brought me happy thoughts. 

So during the dinner, I thought, "What a great time to ask an older couple for the secret to staying together for longer than I've been alive." Because the client was maybe 60ish. And I would like to think I can some day, when I am 60, say I have been married for 30+ years. 

So I asked him, "So, what are the keys to building a long, loving, marriage so it lasts for 40 years?" 

But the problem was, that was his mistress...

So I triggered and spent most of the rest of the night in the bathroom dealing with my triggers. God...that was.....can never take the client out again.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

donders said:


> I wonder why they'd be so open and affectionate in a town where people obviously know them?
> 
> Maybe they were relatives and it was nonsexual affection
> 
> ...


That's not true. I see local people cheating and so do others.

At the offices I worked almost everyone knows when two people are having an affair. You can sense, it, often they slip up or give themselves away in some other manner

I think risking being seen with the affair partner is part of the thrill. 

My STBEH walked with and kissed his affair partner in local parks and museums and restaurants. 

Everyone knew but me, it seems. 

That's where they get the expression the wife/spouse/husband is always the last to know. 

In the past, I would say nothing. 

But having been adversely impacted by the silence of others, I would tell. 

If I knew the person well, I would bring proof in person. 

If I did not, I would send proof anonymously, going forward. 

I am very angry at the people both friends and acquaintances who knew or suspected and failed to tell me.

I was alerted anonymously and I am forever grateful. 

Yes, it hurts but I would rather know that the man I trusted to be loyal and honest is in reality a scumbag


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

donders said:


> Maybe the wife stopped giving hubby sex over 10 years ago but he doesn't want to leave her and he's got needs


So, if you get ED will you be okay with your wife cheating on you, 'cause she's got needs?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

artlady said:


> Funny... I used to be a writer years ago, and I wrote two stories that had to do with affairs. They were very romantic (eyeroll). And when I would occasionally read romances that had to do with affairs, I thought nothing of it.
> 
> Wow, how that changed after my H. had an affair! I don't personally know anyone who's having one, but even eighteen months later, I see movies that have infidelity in them, or hear about cheaters, it either makes me incredibly sad or my blood boil. Mostly because I know exactly how the BSs feel.
> 
> One of my sisters is a serial cheater. I don't have to say anything because her husband is well aware of it. But it's hard to have respect for her when I know what she's done (she doesn't know I know).


Good point. Most movies and books about affairs make it out to be so romantic and the cheaters are often portrayed as sympathetic characters, while the BS is made out to be an ogre of fairy tale proportions. 

I recently watched "water for elephants" It made me very upset. 

And, of course the betrayed spouse had to be a murderer an animal beater, a wife beater and a all around obnoxious person. 

Sad. 

In my expereince it has always been the other way around, the cheaters are the low lives. 

The OW, was a serial cheater who uses her sweet wealthy husband as a meal ticket.

My STBEH is also likely a serial cheater who used marital assets to fund his affairs. 

He could have asked for a divorce or marriage counseling but he chose to cheat.


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## Zak68 (Feb 14, 2012)

It sickens me. My WS and I watched that Alec Baldwin/Merle Streep movie where she is cheating on her husband. It was labelled a COMEDY if you can believe it. I got up half way through the movie and told her I can't watch it.

I can't deal with it any more. Hollywood has made being unfaithful a comedy. What's next, serial murderers get their own talk show?

It's amazing how many shows deal with affairs. I just can't seem to escape it and I told her every time I see one on TV it reminds me of her affair. 

Funny thing is the other day we were watching a show and an affair came up. I felt her tense up (arm was around her shoulder). I know my comments sunk home.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Trash literature and writing (sorry artlady but its true) with all this scandal further desensitizes us of the view of infidelity. Until we FEEL it, TASTE it, SMELL it, KNOW it, do we realize how disgusting it is.

IMHO if people would stop reading trash, and listening to garbage and associating themselves with garbage there would not be so many occasions or temptations for infidelity. 
Geez I sound like an old man...


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## artlady (Jul 17, 2011)

CleanJerkSnatch, I agree with you (btw, I wrote mostly horror- the romance-writing for me was an occasional lark!). It definitely desensitizes people. You just don't think about the repercussions, the trauma, the REALITY of it all... until you're the one betrayed.

I don't know if people stopped reading it or watching it, they'd be less tempted, though. My husband barely reads anything outside of entrepreneurial magaines, barely watched romances, and still cheated.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

This is probably going to sicken some of you.

Last June I discovered that my wife had cheated on me. I discovered it because she left a note before she ran to the other side of the country. The pain I experienced was excruciating and I don't know if it's a biological thing or what, but...

I now, in the aftermath of all things, have this huge temptation to go after married women. To seduce them and make them my own. Twice now I have had the opportunity to steal married women and make love to them in their own beds. I have resisted the urge on both occasions. 

I still get mad as a hornet when I see others hurt by infidelity. But I have to confess that a part of me wants to hurt this world as it has hurt me.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

I would have walked up to him and said hey how's the wife at home while staring down the woman he was with.

I didn't tolerate it before being a BS and I don't certainly tolerate it after being one.


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## Ticktock (Sep 17, 2012)

> 'I actually went through a stage where I'd look at happy couples and think, "he'll probably end up having an affair with a co-worker or she'll be the married neighbour's mistress". A sad outlook I know. But I just think in our modern age, infidelity is becoming increasingly inevitable. Even if you have all the boundaries in the world, there has to something innate within you that forbids crossing that line.'


I am 11 weeks out from Dday and have those same thoughts and feelings. I actually started to cry (subtly) when I saw my newly married cousin and her husband so happy together a month ago - horrible thought, but it crossed my mind that he will break her heart someday just like my WH did mine. I also question the vow of marriage now... Like are we really even meant to marry and be monogamous?? So few of us can do it successfully. Are we just setting ourselves up for hurt and failure?? I know those are morbid thoughts but that's the place I'm in right now... I hope to work my way out of this place


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## Zak68 (Feb 14, 2012)

Ticktock I know the feeling. On top of looking at every other marriage that way, I don't want any friends. Seeing how my last best friend screwed my wife I can't trust any one. Outside my brother and my father I just can't let myself get close to anyone for fear they will screw my wife too.

Whitemousse, hurting others will not ease your pain. There are those that will sleep with you but that will only cause another man the pain you feel now. Will they most likely do it with someone else? Could be, but why be the other man in that relationship. All that does is put you lower than your wife because you know the pain affairs cause and you seek to do that to others. 
Hold yourself above that and be the better man. Seek healthy relationships for your sake. There is no justice in revenge like that...


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Zak68 said:


> Whitemousse, hurting others will not ease your pain. There are those that will sleep with you but that will only cause another man the pain you feel now. Will they most likely do it with someone else? Could be, but why be the other man in that relationship. All that does is put you lower than your wife because you know the pain affairs cause and you seek to do that to others.
> Hold yourself above that and be the better man. Seek healthy relationships for your sake. There is no justice in revenge like that...


Whitemouse, I agree with Zak. Rise above. Why hurt some innocent spouse to get even with your own and the OM. 

Date single women. There are plenty, and leave your wife in the dust, first.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Cheating, (much like having allergies), is something I never put a lot of thought into until it happened to me. I was really ignorant about it from both sides and hate to say, even put some of the blame on BS's for thinking that not doing their part might have caused the affair to happen...

I used to think if a spouse did everything to please the other and make the other's life better, then affairs could be prevented... little did I know, you could bend over backwards to make someone else happy but if that person is miserable, it has nothing to do with you and you can't fix it for them.

Now even seeing it in movies or hearing songs about it set me off into thinking about the pain it causes and what my ex has done to destroy our family unit. It angers me and it hurts. I have no tolerance or sympathies for it anymore.


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