# inappropriate hug and flirting



## think positive (Jun 24, 2011)

So I meet a mom and her husband recently at a birthday party. Her daughter is friends with my daughter and we were meeting for the first time recently. After a couple of brief conversations she gives me a hug that was less then casual, in fact I could feel her boobs smushed against my chest. 

I have been told I am objectively handsome (not to be conceited) so it is not uncommon for women to flirt with me. However, suddenly, I have bumped into her more and get a weird vibe that she likes me. My wife has been cheated by her boyfriends as had her mom, so she is rather guarded. The challenge is that my daughter does not have many friends and she and this girl get along. I work from home allot so it is conceivable that I would be involved in pickup/dropoff etc. 

To be clear, I am happy married and would not let anything happen or get weird. The question is do I disclose this to my wife? This could exacerbate her concerns.

Added this edit for clarity: 
Though I think that the hug in and of itself is not flagrant "come on" so bringing her H into it would be overkill. I am conflicted as I would like to have the girls together for playdates. 

I think that there is a sense here on tam to dismiss suspicions by OP as overblown. I know this seemed to be the case where a man thought his wife was having a lesbian affair. Please understand as a grown, non-narsicistic man that I have good reason to trust my instincts here. 

I am confident I can "shut her down" as it were. My wife has a keen sixth sense. She has noticed pretitory females in the past when I was oblivious where turns out she was correct. In one instance she insisted that i stay away from a women who she "did not trust"...and the first opportunity that I was alone with this women she made a deliberate and undeniable move on me. 

Thanks for all input


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I don't tell my fiance when men try to flirt with me. He is a pretty laid back guy, but I just don't see the point of it. It implies that I expect him to do something about it, and I can handle it. You should be able to handle a woman trying to flirt with you, without involving your wife. Just my opinion.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Some people are touchy feely that way. It's just a friendly thing, I wouldn't read into it. Next time you meet, use body language that turns away her embrace. Extend your hand to shake first. Few people will turn a handshake into a hug. Simple.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

think positive,

I would tell your W, I tell my W when other women flirt with me, it's the honest thing to do in a marriage. 

There should be no intimacy between you and this woman that your W is excluded from. For example when a former coworker of mine put my hand in her crotch I immediately told my W.

There is the issue of this woman and you being seen by your W, even if it is innocent on your part, your W will not trust your explanation, because in fact you are already lying by omission. 

I would also talk with her husband about her behavior.

Tamat


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## think positive (Jun 24, 2011)

TAMAT said:


> think positive,
> 
> I would tell your W, I tell my W when other women flirt with me, it's the honest thing to do in a marriage.
> 
> ...



I totally respect your thoughts on full discosure with my wife. Though I think that the hug in and of itself is not flagrant "come on" so bringing her H into it would be overkill. I am conflicted as I would like to have the girls together for playdates. 

I am confident I can "shut her down" as it were. My wife has a keen sixth sense. She has noticed pretitory females in the past when I was oblivious where turns out she was correct. 

Thanks for all input


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Tell my wife that another woman gave me a hug and pressed her chest etc etc?

What's next, report to wife if the new intern wears a miniskirt? GoGo boots? Lacy bra? (The last one did. Cute industrial design major...

Why not wear a bodycam? 

Y'all are looking too deeply into human interactions that are done either at a subconscious level or at a calculated but generally futile level. If one's marriage is perceived to be threatened by simple everyday behaviors them you have other insecurities to address.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

I agree but there are some times where disclosure are warranted,
especially if that person is in your social circle.

The occasional flirt from a stranger, who cares. I had one of my ex gf's friend make an overt pass at me. That was disclosed.

So certain times, lack of disclosure would be a problem for me.



*Deidre* said:


> I don't tell my fiance when men try to flirt with me. He is a pretty laid back guy, but I just don't see the point of it. It implies that I expect him to do something about it, and I can handle it. You should be able to handle a woman trying to flirt with you, without involving your wife. Just my opinion.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

jdawg2015 said:


> I agree but there are some times where disclosure are warranted,
> especially if that person is in your social circle.
> 
> The occasional flirt from a stranger, who cares. I had one of my ex gf's friend make an overt pass at me. That was disclosed.
> ...


I hear you, but feel that disclosing something infers a problem. If a guy is attempting to flirt with me during the course of my day, and I ignore it...why bother telling my fiance? Disclosure would be warranted if a guy started harassing me or something...but someone trying to flirt with me, etc...this is just everyday life stuff, and doesn't seem necessary to bring it up. Unless you want your SO to know that others are desiring you, but that feels like games to me.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

*Deidre* said:


> I hear you, but feel that disclosing something infers a problem. If a guy is attempting to flirt with me during the course of my day, and I ignore it...why bother telling my fiance? Disclosure would be warranted if a guy started harassing me or something...but someone trying to flirt with me, etc...this is just everyday life stuff, and doesn't seem necessary to bring it up. Unless you want your SO to know that others are desiring you, but that feels like games to me.


How about if he gives you a very close and firm, full frontal hug, squishing your breasts against his upper abdomen or chest?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> How about if he gives you a very close and firm, full frontal hug, squishing your breasts against his upper abdomen or chest?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Honestly, now that I'm engaged, I give indirect signals that tell men (unless they are close mutual friends of ours and we don't mind hugs then) that I'm not approachable in 'that' way.  To each their own, but I don't think it's that hard to give a vibe that you're not interested in hugging, etc. 

Now...If someone_ insists _on getting in my personal space, he won't like my reaction. Or my fiance's.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Not much into hugs...if you are that slow on the draw you may need more coffee.

My point is you need to be quicker on your feet so you can avoid that shyt.

And tell your old lady you want more huges so you can feel her boobs pressed against you.

That's my $0.02


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

You're reading a lot into a hug. Some of us are more generously endowed and our boobs just smoosh into people's chests when we hug them, including at birthday parties in front of a whole lot of other people.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Keep a watch out but don't read to much into it. Half of my family is French and we greet each other with a hug and kiss on the cheek, including their friends when introduced. It is just the way it has been sence we were kids. Some people are more open about a hug some are not. But girls will let a guy know what is or is not ok when it comes to it. So if you are not ok with the hug turn it into a side hug instead, no conflict that way and she should get the message.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Good move. Best way to prevent issues or even the appearance of issues is not even go there in the first place....

I had issue where a friend of my ex gf hugged me and not my gf. Awkward to say the least and definitely got a comment afterwards.

Now I avoid hugs because stuff can EASILY be misinterpreted exactly like what OP is doing now. 




*Deidre* said:


> Honestly, now that I'm engaged, I give indirect signals that tell men (unless they are close mutual friends of ours and we don't mind hugs then) that I'm not approachable in 'that' way.  To each their own, but I don't think it's that hard to give a vibe that you're not interested in hugging, etc.
> 
> Now...If someone_ insists _on getting in my personal space, he won't like my reaction. Or my fiance's.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

One hug and you think she wants you? I thought I was bad.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

If a guy flirted with me, I would avoid him.

If I couldn't avoid him due to work or same social circles, I would tell my husband so that he won't be surprised by it and will also run interference.

This is a situation in which the following wisdom prevails: "if you're not part of the solution, then you are part of the problem."


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

think positive said:


> So I meet a mom and her husband recently at a birthday party. Her daughter is friends with my daughter and we were meeting for the first time recently. After a couple of brief conversations she gives me a hug that was less then casual, in fact I could feel her boobs smushed against my chest.
> I have been told I am objectively handsome (not to be conceited) so it is not uncommon for women to flirt with me. However, suddenly, I have bumped into her more and get a weird vibe that she likes me. My wife has been cheated by her boyfriends as had her mom, so she is rather guarded. The challenge is that my daughter does not have many friends and she and this girl get along. I work from home allot so it is conceivable that I would be involved in pickup/dropoff etc.
> To be clear, I am happy married and would not let anything happen or get weird. The question is do I disclose this to my wife? This could exacerbate her concerns.


Yes, tell your wife.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Exactly. So much easier to avoid the drama before it ever starts.




NextTimeAround said:


> This is a situation in which the following wisdom prevails: "if you're not part of the solution, then you are part of the problem."


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ok. So there was a very similar situation with me. My youngest son's friend had a single mom.

We were all part of the same church group and giving some kind of hug was almost a standard greeting.

This woman started giving me the aggressive "chest press" every chance she got.

I am a very skilled hugger and know this was very intentional.

I talked to Mrs. Conan about it so she could help me avoid this woman and understand why I wanted to avoid her in the first place.

We also had a good friend who went through a separation with his wife for many months. We were supportive of him and had him over regularly.

He worked out at the same gym we did and started hugging Mrs. Conan very firmly and full frontal squish.

She talked to me about it as well and he is no longer in our circle.

He never tried it in front of me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

That makes sense, Conan. To my way of thinking though, the end result could have still happened very easily without the need to tell your wife, or your wife to tell you. Why not just avoid hugging someone? It's not hard to do. lol Unless someone physically grabs you, which is weirdness of a whole other level.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

*Deidre* said:


> That makes sense, Conan. To my way of thinking though, the end result could have still happened very easily without the need to tell your wife, or your wife to tell you. Why not just avoid hugging someone? It's not hard to do. lol Unless someone physically grabs you, which is weirdness of a whole other level.


It is cultural. Everyone in our circle hugs on greeting and parting.

To avoid it would draw attention. 

So when someone abuses this custom to get a grope, they need dealt with and the best way is together as man and wife.

Not taking care of things like this together, at least with us knowing what is happening, can and does lead to major problems down the road.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

One side effect of my always telling my W when women are forward with me, is that she trusts me around other women. 

Sometimes too much, when the woman I had an EA with when I was 16-18 years old told me she loved me when she had a seemingly fatal disease, my W did not care.

Tamat


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> I don't tell my fiance when men try to flirt with me. He is a pretty laid back guy, but I just don't see the point of it. It implies that I expect him to do something about it, and I can handle it. You should be able to handle a woman trying to flirt with you, without involving your wife. Just my opinion.


Good insight into the male mind.
If you tell him something like this, to the male mind it signals "do something", so he would be on the look out and that could get annoying if it is just something you can deal with yourself.

OP I agree, don't tell your wife.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

TAMAT said:


> think positive,
> 
> I would tell your W, I tell my W when other women flirt with me, it's the honest thing to do in a marriage.
> 
> ...


lol are you serious?
Are you trying to turn the OP into a *****cat running to give daily reports to his wife about who flirted with him?

Cmon maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I would create an excel spreadsheet and log contact details... Monica Lewinsky did that...


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

You are all jumping over stuff here. The OP mentions his W was *cheated on* several times in the past. The OP* feels* this woman *"likes" him* and *she is to be in their social circle now*. This means they will be seeing a lot of each other. 

Yes, I think he should tell his W. If the OP had given the vibe that he didn't want to be hugged, or made it awkward the next time he saw her, and she quit just "popping" up everywhere, then maybe he wouldn't need to tell his W. However, *this woman is apparently showing up in places where he is now.* It could become an issue. 

No one is saying he needs to report to his W for everything omg. The drama on this forum is amazing. This is a person he might be seeing a lot of while he is home alone with the kid. It* WILL* look suspicious. 

The woman hasn't done anything note worthy YET. However, the OP appears to already feel on edge and given his W's past, it would just be better to be honest about this one woman. 

Lemmmmmmeeeeee ask you a question.....

If this was a SAHM who met the father of her kids' friend....and he started showing up where the SAHM was all of the time and gave friendly hugs...etc, etc. SAHM says she would be the one to bring to play dates and everything and she would be seeing a lot of the man and she got the vibe that he was interested in her...should she tell her her H?

All of y'all would have already said she was planning to cheat, if she had not already climbed into bed with the man.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

If she's showing up places where he is because their daughters are friends, school activities, parents events, etc., she's not there because of him. 

One could say HE is appearing at all these events where SHE is, couldn't one?

Alternately, she could have been around at these events the whole time, but only now that he's met her, does he notice her. That used to happen to me in college all the time. I'd meet a person I'd never, ever seen before, and then suddenly, it seems like I'm running into them everywhere on campus. Well, the person had been there all along, but I hadn't noticed because I hadn't met them yet.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

No one is forcing anyone to hug someone else. If you're flat out not comfortable hugging someone for any reason at all, don't. If the person doesn't get it, who cares? lol


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

*Deidre* said:


> No one is forcing anyone to hug someone else. If you're flat out not comfortable hugging someone for any reason at all, don't. If the person doesn't get it, who cares? lol



this is what I find interesting. Men who say taht they don't like something but still subject themselves to it. Like an inappropriate hug.

And then, to top it up, while they have the balls to their wives "no" whenever they feel like saying "no" AND meaning it, somehow, some woman out there has the capability to make him do things that he swears he does not want to do.

Go figure.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

NextTimeAround, so you see, it's not easy to be a man.  You get damned either way.
If this woman boob hugged him once, then it is no big deal and he should just forget about it.

If he thinks she is stalking him and trying to initiate physical contact every time then he should tell his wife.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

It's the double standard again. If a woman flirts with a man, it's not a problem, even if her husband does have a problem with it. But, if a man flirts with or it is even perceived to be flirting even if the woman is the one doing the flirting...that's always a problem...that's conveniently blamed on the man. 

Even though you think you can "shut her down" you should tell your wife because she will think you started it if she sees it. You playing with fire here, you better put it out before it's too late.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

NextTimeAround said:


> this is what I find interesting. Men who say taht they don't like something but still subject themselves to it. Like an inappropriate hug.
> 
> And then, to top it up, while they have the balls to their wives "no" whenever they feel like saying "no" AND meaning it, somehow, some woman out there has the capability to make him do things that he swears he does not want to do.
> 
> Go figure.


lol I don't believe that the OP did anything wrong per se, I think this is a problem we all have in life...like we feel this need to be socially polite, especially in social circles where we might see the person again. So we politely hug, and then it's taken the wrong way perhaps. I'm not much of a hugger with people I don't know well, so it's not unusual for me to back up if someone tries to hug me that I don't know well. Women included. Maybe I was a feral cat in my past life.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I've practiced the lean forward, one-arm, body slightly tilted hug. It may make me seem a little shy or stand-offish, but its a pretty solid defense against harassment claims and ageing inebriated relatives.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

That sounds safe richard.

Here's an example of an inappropriate hug...


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Deidre, I think they are in love


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

So what percentage of affairs here start out tiny, grow larger, then larger, and larger until it is huge? 

This seems especially true for people who feel they are not susceptible to affairs.

A few extraordinary precautions do not hurt anyone.
@ConanHub, that's a problem with many Christian churches in that people go there partially to help them in their marriage, but end up connecting with someone else they meet at church. By offering physical comfort it almost automatic that it makes the spouse more and more distant.

There was this weird scene at a church my W and I used to go to, the pastor had everyone walk around greeting each other, this young guy who fancied my W was hugging her while his fiance was trying to pull him away from my W.

Tamat


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

It all depends on the person. Most hugs are to the side and if there is a kiss it's a quick peck on the cheeks.

But there have been a couple of people where the hug was full on and was for a second or 2. But then, they did this to everyone of our friends so no biggie.

But like Deidre posted, if it's that kind of hug then you've got problems :nerd:

Don't make a mound out of a mole hill. BTW, usually when a guy starts noticing this, it's because they're starting to get interested....That's the only time I'll be thinking, hmmm is she interested in me...That's usually because I find her attractive and would be interested in her.

Most guys couldn't even see if a girl liked them if they got slapped upside the head unless they really wanted to get with that girl. Then for some reason, even if the girl wasn't flirting he's all like

OMFG, she's into me. I felt something with that hug, handshake, how her eyes briefly locked with mine (even though she was staring at that chocolate cake right behind you), etc...

And your buddy sits next to you rolling his eyes and saying

OK buddy, you go get her with a thick dose of sarsasm.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

CH said:


> It all depends on the person. Most hugs are to the side and if there is a kiss it's a quick peck on the cheeks.
> 
> But there have been a couple of people where the hug was full on and was for a second or 2. But then, they did this to everyone of our friends so no biggie.
> 
> ...


I can definitely tell the difference between harmless breast bumping and the full on press and a woman damn sure knows as well.

I was not interested in the woman at all. Even if I were single, her and I would never even date.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

OP, stop showering ... your concerns will be resolved awfully quick.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

think positive said:


> I work from home allot so it is conceivable that I would be involved in pickup/dropoff etc.


Also, make sure you are never alone with this girl. In general, I think this is good advice, just not worth the risk of any sort of accusation.


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

*Deidre* said:


> That sounds safe richard.
> 
> Here's an example of an inappropriate hug...


Oh, darn, I get a very similar hug from this married girl at church, most times two each Sunday and sometimes three. It's always in front of everyone, including my wife and her husband, so I never gave it much thought, other than she's really happy to see me. She's also about 20 years younger. 0

I used to tell her when girls would flirt with me, but I stopped after she started telling me it was all in my head. Oh well, maybe it was, but, maybe it wasn't. Those hugs though....... >


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

For all you know the woman might not think she's doing anything wrong. Face it, women have boobs, some bigger and some smaller and they might get in the road once in a while. 

Be a whole lot different if she turned around and started to grind her butt into your crouch then you have a problem.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

6301 said:


> *For all you know the woman might not think she's doing anything wrong. *Face it, women have boobs, some bigger and some smaller and they might get in the road once in a while.
> 
> Be a whole lot different if she turned around and started to grind her butt into your crouch then you have a problem.


Then she needs to learn that it is.

By the time we women reach middle age, we know how important breasts are so we learn to do things in such a way to protect them. Women who "let the girls out" know what effect they have.

Also, you don't need to hug people you just met. Or even hug the parents of your children's friends.


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## earlyforties (May 3, 2012)

think positive said:


> So I meet a mom and her husband recently at a birthday party. Her daughter is friends with my daughter and we were meeting for the first time recently. After a couple of brief conversations she gives me a hug that was less then casual, in fact I could feel her boobs smushed against my chest.
> I have been told I am objectively handsome (not to be conceited) so it is not uncommon for women to flirt with me. However, suddenly, I have bumped into her more and get a weird vibe that she likes me. My wife has been cheated by her boyfriends as had her mom, so she is rather guarded. The challenge is that my daughter does not have many friends and she and this girl get along. I work from home allot so it is conceivable that I would be involved in pickup/dropoff etc.
> To be clear, I am happy married and would not let anything happen or get weird. The question is do I disclose this to my wife? This could exacerbate her concerns.


Stay focused and don't allow temptation to get the better of you and ruin your life. Do keep us abreast of the situation.:wink2:


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

So in your thread about your touchy wife who may send out a vibe to her coworkers (or not, we and you don't know) you complained about how men who take "harmless" physical contact between them and a woman as some sign of interest are basically socially inept jacka$$es. You even brought up this situation of your daughter's friend's mother hugging you as an example of such a harmless contact and how you as a socially adept man do not mistake this as some sign of interest and a few days later you have this thread? Wow. 

Do you now have a better understanding of the situation your wife and her coworkers might face at work? Why it is important to not just touch people at work (and as demonstrated here in your private life too)?
You find your new aquaintance's behaviour inappropiate and see your reaction to it, if you were looking for some action you would take it as a bait to pursue even if her behaviour has no sexual meaning and it's just the way she deals with people.
Use this experience in dealing with your wife's problem at work and talk about it.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

Hell no you don't tell your wife unless your planning a threesome.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

EllisRedding said:


> Also, make sure you are never alone with this girl. In general, I think this is good advice, just not worth the risk of any sort of accusation.


Good advice. Some women are Bat Sh!t Crazy.
In school, 20 years ago, there was this girl stalking me and then she began to accuse me of following her. Freaky logic.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Slow Hand said:


> Oh, darn, I get a very similar hug from this married girl at church, most times two each Sunday and sometimes three. It's always in front of everyone, including my wife and her husband, so I never gave it much thought, other than she's really happy to see me. She's also about 20 years younger. 0
> 
> I used to tell her when girls would flirt with me, but I stopped after she started telling me it was all in my head. Oh well, maybe it was, but, maybe it wasn't. Those hugs though....... >



Just make sure you don't cop a feel 
can be very tempting


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## think positive (Jun 24, 2011)

so that you all don't have to drudge through my responces: 

Though I think that the hug in and of itself is not flagrant "come on" so bringing her H into it would be overkill. I am conflicted as I would like to have the girls together for playdates. 

I think that there is a sense here on tam to dismiss suspicions by OP as overblown. I know this seemed to be the case where a man thought his wife was having a lesbian affair. Please understand as a grown, non-narsicistic man that I have good reason to trust my instincts here. 

I am confident I can "shut her down" as it were. My wife has a keen sixth sense. She has noticed pretitory females in the past when I was oblivious where turns out she was correct. In one instance she insisted that i stay away from a women who she "did not trust"...and the first opportunity that I was alone with this women she made a deliberate and undeniable move on me. 

Thanks for all input


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

It's actually quite easy. Go with your gut. Don't dismiss outright, but your spider sense gave you a "maybe" sign from her. 

Best solution for this kind of thing is only hug family members or friends you've known a really long time.

Saves everyone from misunderstandings, suspicion, hurt feelings.



think positive said:


> so that you all don't have to drudge through my responces:
> 
> Though I think that the hug in and of itself is not flagrant "come on" so bringing her H into it would be overkill. I am conflicted as I would like to have the girls together for playdates.
> 
> ...


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