# InLaws + Christmas = Shoot myself



## elee (Nov 22, 2009)

Every Thanksgiving/Christmas time I get so stressed out because of my husband's family, ok mostly just his mother. She does not seem to understand that we have 4 families to see for the holidays and only have x number of days off of work! It is so frustrating to me. 

I have one family to visit, as my parents are still together. He has 3 families because his mom and dad are divorced, and he has to see his grandmother (on his mom's side) because she raised him from age 4-18, so is basically his mother. His grandma usually always has a big shin-dig at her place for the holidays where his mom attends as well, so we usually figure that we can see them both at the same time, and everything is good. No, it's not good because his mom always tries to manipulate us and weasel us into seeing her separately, and has even made up lies in the past about how she isn't going to Grandma's Christmas so we have to come to her house to see her. (And then she shows up at Grandma's Christmas anyway..) 

It just drives me absolutely crazy, and takes the joy out of the holidays for me. All of our families live in different towns, so we can only visit one per day, and we only have a few days off of work, I just feel like she wants us to walk on water, and it's all about her! I try to be nice and accommodating, but she is never happy. Last year she flipped out on us because things didn't go the way she wanted them to. 

How do you deal with this? I'm so sick of having 4 Christmases every year. This year we are having Christmas at our house, and whoever can come, can come, and if they can't make it, I guess they'll have to try harder next year...


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Remember that his mom cannot "make" you feel anything--once you accept that HER reaction is HERS and has nothing to do with you, you will be able to be calm about it and enjoy yourself. Harder said than done, I know, but really, refusing to "own" someone else's emotions is very liberating. Your plan for Xmas this year sounds great, and I hope it's a very happy one for you!


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## dawnie (Nov 17, 2009)

I like your solution. Everyone comes to your house. But sisters has a great point. There is nothing you can do about your mother-in-law's very difficult personality. It's her problem, really. But it is indeed very stressful dealing with one person tantruming about this or that in order to get their way. I don't know what else to say except feel free to vent to us!


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

Don't see her for a couple of years. Or just say "we'll see you at grandma's". That'll fix it.

I like your solution of staying home this year.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I think you have a great solution!

It looks to me like she wants a certain amount of one on one time and attention from her son. 

I hope this solves your problem....I've been in your shoes and it sucks!

I had a family memeber who did it this way: there was no official dinner time....it was on a drop-in basis. Friends and family memebers could come by all throughout the day and spend as much or little time as wanted. I guess she had no sit down dinner, but had a lot of things to munch on while everyone visited.


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## trev (May 23, 2009)

My wifes parents drive me totally crazy , they lost there son 2 tears back and ever since ive felt that im married to 3 people my wife my mother in law and my father in law !! 
They out stay there welcome they interfere with the kids , if i see there car out side my house i drive on by !!!  
Add our new born to the equation and they come round more !!! My answer to having christmas with me and my wife and our kid is that ive told them that christmas eve will be a drop in day ,for all family friends etc ..but christmas day is for us only if they come round they wont be coming in !! didnt go down to well but tough !! 

im claiming back my family and setting a few rules for them along the way !! all tips welcome


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## flipflop (Nov 19, 2009)

I'm sorry you are going through this. I have been working on MIL's expectations for christmas for 6 years and this is the first year there has not been drama and it is b/c we will be with her for Christmas dinner. The drama will likely return next year. I think having something at your house is the best idea. I also think you should say "if you can't make it to our house then we'll see you at Grandma's" (assuming your party isn't replacing grandma's). My MIL pulls the same kind of garbage with us and we have learned to set boundaries.

We used to see three family in two days when we were engaged and first married in an attempt to pacify my overly demanding mother in law. We also did that the first year our children were babies (we have multiples) and I said no more of this. Christmas became a parade of moving from one place to the next - we were exhausted and not enjoying ourselves. So, we started having Christmas Eve - if you want to come, come, and we rotate christmas dinner. All other "separate" family time can happen the weekend before or after. End of story.

Good luck!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Last christmas i tried juggling seeing everyone in my family, and my H's family. it was an absolute nightmare. I will never do that again. 

Im also starting to get to the point that im tired of being the one that puts myself out there to see my family on the holidays. I actually didnt want to go see my family this year, but my H wanted too. 

and my H also wanted me to go see his mom over the holidays. i told him no way. i dont like my MIL. there's no way im taking the one time out of the year that's supposed to be happy and jolly and spending it with her. i let my H know that was an absolute no compromise situation. 

the only person thats putting pressure on you to bend over backwards for your MIL is you. if you are firm about your decision, and dont make it personal, then your H might have a hard time adjusting at first but he'll get over it.


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