# Birthday Gifts for My Wife...



## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

I get stressed out whenever I have to buy my wife gifts. Having recently discussed the language of love and finding out hers is gifts, I'm even more stressed. 

First off, my wife always asks for very expensive gifts. $1500 shoes, $5000 purse, etc... Before we had kids, we had more disposable income and I did buy her some really expensive stuff. Her taste has gotten more expensive, and I really just cannot keep up. So basically, I have to ignore what she asks me for, and buy her something more realistic. 

A few years ago, thinking the shoes she wanted were too pricey, I sent her to a clothes store and told her to buy what she wanted. I expected her to spend less then the price of the shoes, but didn't specifically state it and she got me. She was still disappointed that she didn't get what she wanted. The next birthday, I just bought her the shoes. After receiving them, she walked me over to the computer and showed me the thing she really wants. I was a bit insulted. In fact, after this became a bit of a pattern, I told her that she really needed to learn how to receive a gift. Say thanks and don't show me some other thing you want for a few days. Especially immediately after opening the gift you just got. 

My problem is she always acts disappointed with my gifts. Maybe I'm just a bad gift buyer and she thinks gifts are very important. 

So, her birthday is coming up. I had ordered her some small yoga items that I picked out. 

She also saw something at my business she liked. She said she wanted it two days ago. She actually really pushed for it, and I was a bit adverse until coming around. The point being, she wanted it, not me. It's a big ticket item, but since it's at work, it's a bit more palatable. Well, she came by work today and I showed her the item and was about to have it delivered. She acted disappointed and said "I want something for myself". She was quiet and I could tell she didn't like my choice. Since it's supposed to be a surprise, I didn't want to tell her there were some other things coming, but at the same time, I'm a little concerned she wont consider the yoga items good enough. It's basically a mat, bag and a couple of books. $150, and I made sure everything had good reviews. 

Her birthday is close to Valentines Day. She already showed me some jewelry she wanted for Valentines Day. The jewelry would be about $3k. I'm not ruling it out, but I really feel like I'm being pushed to spend a lot more then I would otherwise. 

Any suggestions? Sometimes, I think it would be easier to just buy her what she asks for, but I'd literally be broke.


EDIT: This should've been here from the start...
OK. I have to mention one thing. I have a very expensive hobby. I've been into it for about 7 years now, and every penny I spend (on myself)goes towards it. It began relatively cheap, but now, I have about $15-20k of gear. I've bought used and traded up slowly to acquire all of the gear I have. I also sold collectibles (investment grade collectibles) that I've had for a long time to help buy certain big ticket items. Actually I got lucky in an auction and got a record price for an item I had purchased a few years earlier. It payed for my most expensive piece of gear. I had been saving up for a year and a half before the auction. In my mind, I traded a hobby for a hobby. That is truly what I did. 

The stuff I bought and sold has held it's value. That's the only reason I've been able to slowly upgrade. My stuff doesn't depreciate. I can buy it and use it for a coupe of years and then sell it for what I've payed. 

So, she can point to very expensive items I've purchased. Why shouldn't she get something as expensive? I got a $6k piece of gear, why shouldn't she?

So, can I afford a $5k purse? I guess I could struggle to afford it just like I did the stuff I wanted. I would lose all of that depreciation. 

I mentioned that she could try and sell her older purses and shoes, but they go for next to nothing and that's if you're lucky enough to find a buyer. 

The thing is, if she asked me if she could buy herself something for $1k any day of the week, I'd say OK. It's when she wants me to buy her something that expensive, for her birthday, under threat that I have troubles with it. 

So maybe this nice guy isn't as nice? Or is good at justifying his hobby. Did I mention this hobby gives me my venue for my weekly guys night out?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

How stressful!!!


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

Could you guys sit down and discuss a spending limit for gifts?

For example, my BF and I agree not to spend more than $100 on each other for a holiday (feel free to substitute your own number there). If she knows her upper limit, she might request things that feel more reasonable to you.

The same discussion should probably include you telling her that when she reacts poorly to gifts given out of love, it lowers your desire to keep trying to please her.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

For her birthday, tell her that you signed both of you up to volunteer in a homeless shelter for a weekend. The gift she really needs is to learn appreciation for what she has.

Sounds like she measures her self-worth and your love by how much you spend on her. She is a spoiled brat. Did she grow up in a rich household?

Google "no more mr nice guy pdf". Download the free book and read it. Good luck, you are going to need it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tell her you've scheduled a date. At a marriage counselor's office. Take her there and discuss this issue NOW, in front of a professional, before it gets too far out of hand. 

And then book a session for yourself so you can look into why you can't just give her something and let HER own her own reaction to it, why YOU are getting bent out of shape. There's a story in there somewhere.

I have a friend with a wife like yours. He, too, kept trying to jump through higher and higher hoops, to 'prove' himself. By the time they divorced 20 years later, he was working his professional job plus THREE other side jobs, just to try to keep buying her the jewelry et al. that she thought she deserved. All because he didn't have the balls to say to her 'wow, you're really being a b*tch about this.'

Read the No More Mr Nice Guy book asap, too. 

One question: what does she do for YOUR gifts?


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

OpenWindows said:


> Could you guys sit down and discuss a spending limit for gifts?
> 
> For example, my BF and I agree not to spend more than $100 on each other for a holiday (feel free to substitute your own number there). If she knows her upper limit, she might request things that feel more reasonable to you.
> 
> The same discussion should probably include you telling her that when she reacts poorly to gifts given out of love, it lowers your desire to keep trying to please her.


I have tried saying things like "is there anything you would like for under $1k?" I haven't tried to agree with her on a figure. I have asked her not to buy me expensive gifts. This past Christmas, I sent her a link to a $70 item that I wanted. She bought that and I was happy. 

I think by setting up a limit, she would think that I'm trying to get out cheap. I am. I've told her that. But, she doesn't seem to understand. 

I had given her cash on a few occasions to put away and save up. She did save up and buy something, but she doesn't think cash is a good gift. She wants me to put thought into it... Then buy her the purse she showed me.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

turnera said:


> Tell her you've scheduled a date. At a marriage counselor's office. Take her there and discuss this issue NOW, in front of a professional, before it gets too far out of hand.
> 
> And then book a session for yourself so you can look into why you can't just give her something and let HER own her own reaction to it, why YOU are getting bent out of shape. There's a story in there somewhere.
> 
> ...


First of all, this has been out of hand for about 5 years now. These days, she starts mentioning her birthday weeks in advance and starts implying I better get her something good. Throughout the weeks, she'll keep hinting. If I ask her what she wants, she'll mention the expensive gifts and nothing else. Then she'll say she wants me to put the effort in. 

She doesn't like gift certificates because they aren't personal. I still have to use them as fall backs. 

I did read No More Mr Nice Guy. Short of telling her to grow up and get real, which is what I want to say, it wasn't very helpful.


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

So if she showed you a $5k purse she wanted, and you simply said that you loved her, but it was too much, and you'll happily buy her a gift under $1k... what's the worst that would happen?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

lessthennone said:


> I did read No More Mr Nice Guy. Short of telling her to grow up and get real, which is what I want to say, it wasn't very helpful.


You want to tell your wife to grow up and get real, but you are hesitant to do so? Sounds like you need to read the book again. Not trying to p*** you off, but you obviously did not get the point of the book.

It appears she has no respect for you because you are unwilling or unable to stand up to her and say NO.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

OpenWindows said:


> So if she showed you a $5k purse she wanted, and you simply said that you loved her, but it was too much, and you'll happily buy her a gift under $1k... what's the worst that would happen?


Well, last week, after saying the purse was too much, she proceeded to show me $3k in jewelry. That she wanted for Valentines Day, though. Honestly, I haven't ruled that out yet. 

Then she said, "maybe you could get me a Yoga retreat". I thought it sounded good, until she started listing the locations. Bali, Palm Beach, etc... 

When I asked if there was anything under $1k, she sad no. She'd rather save it for the purse. But, she still wants a gift. So I bought Yoga stuff and I think I'm setting her up for disappointment.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> You want to tell your wife to grow up and get real, but you are hesitant to do so? Sounds like you need to read the book again. Not trying to p*** you off, but you obviously did not get the point of the book.
> 
> It appears she has no respect for you because you are unwilling or unable to stand up to her and say NO.


Ok. So I get the point of the book. I have to stop saying yes. But, recently we discussed her love language being gifts. So am I supposed to just disappoint her with gifts for a few occasions. 

If you asked me what was a good price, I'd say $500. But, my happiness doesn't rely on people buying me gifts. 

I had also protested a birthday of hers. I didn't get her anything. The only thing she wanted was too expensive. I chatted with her sister and she said that I should've gotten her something. Her sister sees the things she asks for, so she kind of understands. 

So if I was going to do a reset of expectations, how do I tell her? 

As I mentioned, "is there anything you want below $1k" just gets me a dirty look.


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

lessthennone said:


> Well, last week, after saying the purse was too much, she proceeded to show me $3k in jewelry. That she wanted for Valentines Day, though. Honestly, I haven't ruled that out yet.
> 
> Then she said, "maybe you could get me a Yoga retreat". I thought it sounded good, until she started listing the locations. Bali, Palm Beach, etc...
> 
> When I asked if there was anything under $1k, she sad no. She'd rather save it for the purse. But, she still wants a gift. So I bought Yoga stuff and I think I'm setting her up for disappointment.


You've got to stand your ground! If she says there's nothing in your chosen price range, tell her that's just how much you have to spend. So she can have the cash, pick a gift, or you'll pick one for her... her choice.


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

lessthennone said:


> Ok. So I get the point of the book. I have to stop saying yes. But, recently we discussed her love language being gifts. So am I supposed to just disappoint her with gifts for a few occasions.


Is her love language the thoughtfulness of the gifts, or how much you spend on them?

My LL is acts of service, but that doesn't mean I get to treat my partner like my personal servant because it "makes me feel loved."


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

lessthennone said:


> Well, last week, after saying the purse was too much, she proceeded to show me $3k in jewelry. That she wanted for Valentines Day, though. Honestly, I haven't ruled that out yet.
> 
> Then she said, "maybe you could get me a Yoga retreat". I thought it sounded good, until she started listing the locations. Bali, Palm Beach, etc...
> 
> When I asked if there was anything under $1k, she sad no. She'd rather save it for the purse. But, she still wants a gift. So I bought Yoga stuff and I think I'm setting her up for disappointment.




Your wife has expensive taste and seems to think you should provide these luxury items. You either can't afford them and she is being completely immature and out of line. If you can afford that is another discussion. This is a family budget issue that needs to be addressed. It is not "what do I buy her", this is never going to end. You need to get her to see what is realistic for your circumstances. I say this as a woman who spends like your wife wants to, the difference is I have the funds to support it with no debt, I know what I can afford to spend on luxury items and that is how I chose to spend my money (I don't have kids, lol).

Time for you and your wife to have a talk about money and budgeting, a lot of members here recommend Dave Ramsey's financial advice.


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

lessthennone said:


> Ok. So I get the point of the book. I have to stop saying yes. *But, recently we discussed her love language being gifts. So am I supposed to just disappoint her with gifts for a few occasions. *
> 
> If you asked me what was a good price, I'd say $500. But, my happiness doesn't rely on people buying me gifts.
> 
> ...


Her love language is not gifts, it's freaking expensive gifts! She's being ungrateful and you're letting her damage your finances. Reading your other threads, here are some suggestions for the right gift:
1. Buy her a nice alarm clock so she can start getting up at a decent time;
2. Pay for several sessions with a therapist for her, she sounds depressed and needs to work on that;
3. A gift certificate for the amount of money that you actually CAN afford to spend on her gifts and a personalized card so she can't say that the gift was impersonal.

Maybe it's her depression, maybe she wants expensive things thinking they will make her happy and then they don't and she just wants more and more. 

She's acting like a spoiled brat when it comes to gifts and you're letting her. You can only expect a different outcome once you've changed YOU and how you react to her demands. You're part of this dynamic too.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lessthennone said:


> Ok. So I get the point of the book. I have to stop saying yes. But, recently we discussed her love language being gifts. So am I supposed to just disappoint her with gifts for a few occasions.


No. You're supposed to have a grownup discussion with her about how you feel like you're being used. About how you are unhappy being expected to keep giving her more and more stuff that she's never satisfied with. About how you'd like her to take some time to reflect on why she feels this is all necessary. 

Being a NON-Nice Guy would mean that you say "You know I love you, but I feel like I'm being used as a meal ticket. I can't continue this 'prove you love me by spending more money on me' journey. I'm putting a dollar limit of $1000 on any gift I buy you hereonout. If you don't like that, you're free to go out and get a job and buy the stuff for yourself that you want."

Or if she already has a job..."...you're free to get a higher-paying job so you can afford to buy that stuff."


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Why do you think your wife puts so much value on stuff? Is it a self esteem thing?

I've observed that people who do this often have deeper issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

OpenWindows said:


> You've got to stand your ground! If she says there's nothing in your chosen price range, tell her that's just how much you have to spend. So she can have the cash, pick a gift, or you'll pick one for her... her choice.


lessthannone, look very carefully at this response. Hidden in it is the REAL gist of your situation. Do you see it?

It's (if you chose to do this) your unwillingness to connect 'if you feel loved' with her response to your gifts.

I like to suggest to people that they practice shrugging. Goes along with what many people here say to use: "I'm sorry you feel that way."

Do you see how shrugging over 'you didn't buy me anything good enough!' removes you from the dysfunctional battle you two are in? It would be you saying 'I'm sorry you feel that way; it's not true, I DO love you, but I'm not going to bankrupt our family just to keep buying you ever-more expensive gifts. You're free to be upset. I'm free to not take your reaction personally.'


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I don't think she would be happy with anything you buy her. She sounds ungrateful. Forget the $3000 jewelry she wants for Valentines Day. Buy her a nice piece of jewelry that costs $100 or so and if she complains, looks disappointed or starts talking about other jewelry she wanted then don't buy her another present. It's not worth the stress you go through and she doesn't appreciate that it's the thought that counts.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

OK. I have to mention one thing. I have a very expensive hobby. I've been into it for about 7 years now, and every penny I spend (on myself)goes towards it. It began relatively cheap, but now, I have about $15-20k of gear. I've bought used and traded up slowly to acquire all of the gear I have. I also sold collectibles (investment grade collectibles) that I've had for a long time to help buy certain big ticket items. Actually I got lucky in an auction and got a record price for an item I had purchased a few years earlier. It payed for my most expensive piece of gear. I had been saving up for a year and a half before the auction. In my mind, I traded a hobby for a hobby. That is truly what I did. 

The stuff I bought and sold has held it's value. That's the only reason I've been able to slowly upgrade. My stuff doesn't depreciate. I can buy it and use it for a coupe of years and then sell it for what I've payed. 

So, she can point to very expensive items I've purchased. Why shouldn't she get something as expensive? I got a $6k piece of gear, why shouldn't she?

So, can I afford a $5k purse? I guess I could struggle to afford it just like I did the stuff I wanted. I would lose all of that depreciation. 

I mentioned that she could try and sell her older purses and shoes, but they go for next to nothing and that's if you're lucky enough to find a buyer. 

The thing is, if she asked me if she could buy herself something for $1k any day of the week, I'd say OK. It's when she wants me to buy her something that expensive, for her birthday, under threat that I have troubles with it. 

So maybe this nice guy isn't as nice? Or is good at justifying his hobby. Did I mention this hobby gives me my venue for my weekly guys night out?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're confusing the point. This isn't about who pays for what and how much. It's about your inability to say 'I don't like the way you're going about this' to her. Work up a spreadsheet, show her your total investments in your hobby, divided by the number of years you've been doing it. Tell her you think it's fair that she be allowed to spend whatever that dollar amount PER YEAR is, and no more. Tell her you're done trying to 'win' by figuring out what to give her since she's not grateful, that you'll just be giving her normal gifts from now on - or NONE, if she continues to be rude and ungrateful - and she is then set free to spend that annual amount on whatever her heart desires. But you are withdrawing your participation in the game.

Then wait for her response. And if she starts getting rude or mad or raising her voice, just shrug and say 'let me know when you're ready to discuss this without the attitude' and walk away.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

lessthennone said:


> OK. I have to mention one thing. I have a very expensive hobby. I've been into it for about 7 years now, and every penny I spend (on myself)goes towards it. It began relatively cheap, but now, I have about $15-20k of gear. I've bought used and traded up slowly to acquire all of the gear I have. I also sold collectibles (investment grade collectibles) that I've had for a long time to help buy certain big ticket items. Actually I got lucky in an auction and got a record price for an item I had purchased a few years earlier. It payed for my most expensive piece of gear. I had been saving up for a year and a half before the auction. In my mind, I traded a hobby for a hobby. That is truly what I did.
> 
> The stuff I bought and sold has held it's value. That's the only reason I've been able to slowly upgrade. My stuff doesn't depreciate. I can buy it and use it for a coupe of years and then sell it for what I've payed.
> 
> ...



Sounds interesting, do you mind if I ask what your hobby is? I'm a hobby man myself, and I typically try to "trade up" or just trade one hobby for another. Granted, I doubt mine is the same as my stuff does NOT cost nearly that much.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

JukeboxHero said:


> Sounds interesting, do you mind if I ask what your hobby is? I'm a hobby man myself, and I typically try to "trade up" or just trade one hobby for another. Granted, I doubt mine is the same as my stuff does NOT cost nearly that much.


You have a PM.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

OP, You know your wife; do you think that she will withhold sex if you do not buy her expensive gifts? You run the risk that she does that purposely to get back at your or subconsciously (not getting her love needs met and thus does not feel like having sex. )


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

lessthennone said:


> Interesting to hear this today. I cannot imagine someone not showering for a week. That said, my wife regularly goes three days without showering. I have never commented on it, but I am tempted.
> 
> The funny thing is, she would shower at night. Usually when the kids go to bed. I always used to think of it as a sign that I was going to get some. I would quickly realize that's not what she was thinking. When I made my move, she would say "but I just showered".
> 
> I guess I have to wait until she's dirty?



Does she still not shower for three days straight?


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> OP, You know your wife; do you think that she will withhold sex if you do not buy her expensive gifts? You run the risk that she does that purposely to get back at your or subconsciously (not getting her love needs met and thus does not feel like having sex. )


Withhold sex? I don't know. 

In the short term, I'm sure I wouldn't get any tonight if I discussed a limit. Would I get more if I bought a $5k purse? Maybe, but not $5k worth. 

But, if gifts are her sex. (love languages) That gets confusing. 

Wait... OK. I settle for OK sex. Not as often or good as I'd like. Maybe that's what she has to deal with. Settling with what's available?


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

JukeboxHero said:


> Sounds interesting, do you mind if I ask what your hobby is? I'm a hobby man myself, and I typically try to "trade up" or just trade one hobby for another. Granted, I doubt mine is the same as my stuff does NOT cost nearly that much.





lessthennone said:


> You have a PM.


When people are evasive about what their expensive hobbies are, I always think of the movie "Hostel". 

Just sayin'... :wink2:


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

kristin2349 said:


> Does she still not shower for three days straight?


Yes. That's about her average. But, I recently read that that wasn't so abnormal for women. 

I'm a daily showerer, I'd smell otherwise. So it's foreign to me.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

OpenWindows said:


> So if she showed you a $5k purse she wanted, and you simply said that you loved her, but it was too much, and you'll happily buy her a gift under $1k... what's the worst that would happen?


About $4k of collateral damage 

Here's the thing. Let's think in terms of guy things. A $1500 DSLR camera is awesome but a $5000 DSLR opens up capabilities one simply can't do with the lower priced gear. (Say, Nikon d7100 vs Nikon D3s)

Likewise bicycles, a $1500 road bike is no match for a $5k bike in terms of added capability (entry level carbon fiber frame).

A purse? $5k? Come on... It's purely something to be seen in.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

lessthennone said:


> Yes. That's about her average. But, I recently read that that wasn't so abnormal for women.
> 
> *Eww, yes that is abnormal. Some women don't wash their hair everyday, but not bathe or shower? That is digusting.*
> 
> I'm a daily showerer, I'd smell otherwise. So it's foreign to me.


From reading your other threads she seems to suffer from depression and has body issues so low self esteem. The luxury goods are a bandaid.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

john117 said:


> About $4k of collateral damage
> 
> Here's the thing. Let's think in terms of guy things. A $1500 DSLR camera is awesome but a $5000 DSLR opens up capabilities one simply can't do with the lower priced gear. (Say, Nikon d7100 vs Nikon D3s)
> 
> ...


Wow! So is it proper to think of it in guys terms? Because that's exactly how I've been thinking about it and wasn't sure whether it's fair. 

We both have professional carbon fiber racing bikes. Both road and mountain. They are close to the price of a purse. But, they do stuff. 

A purse has leather and a zipper. 

In regards to the cameras, what about the D810? Or for me, the D810a!:grin2:


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

kristin2349 said:


> From reading your other threads she seems to suffer from depression and has body issues so low self esteem. The luxury goods are a bandaid.


She does suffer from depression and has body issues. 

She's been going to the therapist. The therapist suggested going to the gym and doing stuff for herself. I kind of agree with that. I'm hoping it helps some of the other stuff. 

Are band-aids helpful?


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

lessthennone said:


> She does suffer from depression and has body issues.
> 
> She's been going to the therapist.  The therapist suggested going to the gym and doing stuff for herself. I kind of agree with that. I'm hoping it helps some of the other stuff.
> 
> *Are band-aids helpful?*


 Would you put a band-aid on a bullet wound? Maybe not a good comparison but you get the point


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

lessthennone said:


> She does suffer from depression and has body issues.
> 
> She's been going to the therapist. The therapist suggested going to the gym and doing stuff for herself. I kind of agree with that. I'm hoping it helps some of the other stuff.
> 
> Are band-aids helpful?



I'm the wrong person to ask about luxury goods. I spend a lot on handbags, shoes, jewelry and watches, and they do make my life nicer as does travel. If I couldn't afford it that would be another matter. 

If you can easily afford to indulge her within limits. Figure out a number that works for you annually and give it to her to work with. If you can't afford it you need to talk to her.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Annie123 said:


> Would you put a band-aid on a bullet wound? Maybe not a good comparison but you get the point


I get the point. But the solution to every issue we're having is treat her depression. So basically, I'm hoping she comes home from the therapist and says... "That purse or the gifts, are just bandaids for my depression. I don't really need them."

That's not going to happen. I'm trying not to push too many issues. Especially when she asks "I've been acting better, haven't I?" 

This is right after telling me I should hang up on my mother who called to tell me my son had a cut on his lip. She was watching him to give us the night off. My wife was aggravated that she bothered us for something so unimportant. She gets easily aggravated and you can never tell her reasoning.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

lessthennone said:


> treat her depression.


Your other posts may have covered this but has she been formally diagnosed with depression? Has seen seen a M.D. for medicine treatment or are you pursuing only talk therapy as treatment? And how is the treatment going?


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> Your other posts may have covered this but has she been formally diagnosed with depression? Has seen seen a M.D. for medicine treatment or are you pursuing only talk therapy as treatment? And how is the treatment going?


She has a DR that she's been going to for years. He's the one that prescribes her antidepressants. He's diagnosed her with depression as have prior doctors. 

When it was suggested that we go to couples therapy, someone suggested the person she's seeing now. We both went for the first visit, but the therapist decided to see her privately, and recommended we see a different couples therapist. 

So she's seeing this talk therapist privately. She seems to be in better spirits, but she also demonstrates some of that old behavior. Like telling me to hangup the phone on my mother. She just thinks she needs to be center of attention. She doesn't like the attention being off her.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Do you guys think I should be suggesting the Dr changes her prescription? That's what she was implying. She wanted to try that before trying talk therapy. Since we tried it before, I pushed for talk therapy.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OK, buy her something nice for $1,000.

Then say: "This is for you to keep until we can get you that $5,000 purse you want, then you can place it in the purse."


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lessthennone said:


> Do you guys think I should be suggesting the Dr changes her prescription? That's what she was implying. She wanted to try that before trying talk therapy. Since we tried it before, I pushed for talk therapy.


I would push for talk therapy. And different meds at the same time.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

My W had taken the same AD meds for years. She had the routine followup visits the doctor required. No changes. During a really bad period I went with her to the doctor and described what was happening. The doc said the current meds would not help and prescribed something different. She has improved. My W will not do therapy. 

My point is that without having the full complete information, your wife's doctor may not be prescribing the right meds. Maybe she already is on the right meds. (Hopefully prescribed by the same doctor) But YOU should make sure that the doctor knows what's going on with her. My W would say very little to the doctor when she went without me, so the treatment was inadequate. Hope that helps.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Is your wife wanting luxury items a new thing or has she always been this way? Has it ramped up with her being on anti-depressants?


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## JJXmomma (Feb 1, 2016)

I can't imagine having that kind of money. 

I find gift giving stressful and it's on the bottom of both if our love language lists so we don't do them at all, ever. 

Most women are not like me though that way. If I were you I would take the gifts waaaay down and tell her honestly that you're worried about money, that you can't afford it especially if you don't know if she'll like it. Then if she starts to appreciate the gesture more you can give her nicer gifts again. 

Does she earn money of her own? Does she already have a lot more shoes and purses and accessories than she needs? On rare occasions I've gone overboard with spending when trying to fill a void, which may possibly be something she's experiencing.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Given all that, I would do this: go to the next doctor's appointment with her, and sit down with her and her doctor and discuss how things have been going from your perspective, and ask the doctor what they would suggest doing.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

What the what.

Is that what it's like to be a bajillionaire?

I can't even comprehend spending $1k on a piece of clothing or purse or shoes. ThousandS...plural? I thought only people on TV did that. 

Why does she even desire these things? Does everyone else you know have them? Is it a keeping up with the Jones' thing? 

I once considered buying myself a Coach purse from one of those mall stores. It was on the clearance (last year's style) for $200. Then I thought to myself how terrified I'd be to carry around a purse that was worth more than the items it held inside of it! What if I spilled something on it? I'd never forgive myself. Forget absent-mindedly sitting it on the floor of the car or a movie theater - it might get scratched or dirty. What if someone stole it? I talked myself out of it thinking I already had two kids to take care of...didn't need a purse to be taking up space in my head like that. I don't know how people do it! 

I always thought a "gifts" love language meant you were more apt to appreciate THOUGHTFUL gifts...like something that had meaning to your relationship or something. It would come in the form of a material item but I have a hard time envisioning a purse or shoes fitting this bill. Am I way off base?

Sounds like she's got bigger issues. 




Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lessthennone said:


> Ok. So I get the point of the book. I have to stop saying yes. But, recently we discussed her love language being gifts. So am I supposed to just disappoint her with gifts for a few occasions.
> 
> If you asked me what was a good price, I'd say $500. But, my happiness doesn't rely on people buying me gifts.
> 
> ...


It is a big hard to answer you since we don't know your income level. If you are buying her $5K purses and $1,400 shoes, you must bring in a LOT of money, not just low 6 figures.

If you make $1-$2 Million a year or more and you are not in hock up to your eyeballs, why not buy her what she wants at the amounts you have mentioned.

Your wife does not work outside the home, does she? How much access does she have to money? Does she have to ask you to spend? Do you control the finances?

I could be wrong, but it sounds to me like your wife has no real clue about your financial situation. So she sees things she likes and asks for them. There is no reality there. The two of you need to go to see a financial planner. And you both need to get on the same page financially. You need to plan your finances together. One book I really like is “Smart Couples Finish Rich”. It could help you talk to her on structuring your finances TOGETHER.

Your wife thinking that money is too impersonal is funny. I find her pointing out to you what she wants and her then demanding it about as impersonal as it gets.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> It is a big hard to answer you since we don't know your income level. If you are buying her $5K purses and $1,400 shoes, you must bring in a LOT of money, not just low 6 figures.
> 
> If you make $1-$2 Million a year or more and you are not in hock up to your eyeballs, why not buy her what she wants at the amounts you have mentioned.
> 
> ...


Yeah. I don't earn money like that. If you asked me if my income supported buying $1500 shoes and $5000 purses, I'd say no way. Could I find a way to buy one, sure. Does that mean I think my income justifies it, no. 

She knows how much I make. I put away money and have a savings that I will not touch. It's for retirement or emergencies. 

I have bought her a few expensive purses and shoes. Not a lot. Purses for between $1-2k, shoes maxed at $1200. Maybe 10 gifts in all. Her whole collection isn't as expensive as the few I bought. I do feel like I got stuck in a cycle. 

She doesn't earn on her own. She does pay our bills, though. I would expect her to have a better clue. 

I think I got my answer here. There's no justification for buying something like that. I just don't have to feel bad about saying no way. Even when she's being pushy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep, there is no justification for that kind of spending for 99% of the population.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lessthennone said:


> She doesn't earn on her own.
> 
> I just *don't have to feel bad* about saying no way. Even *when she's being pushy*.


Am I getting this right? You don't have kids, she doesn't work, she sits at home all day, and then she bullies you when you don't give her good enough stuff?!#@!

The bolded part above is your whole problem. For whatever reason, YOU have low self worth and you are AFRAID of something. Abandonment, criticism, denigration, ridicule...whatever it is she's controlling over you, you need to WORK on it. Preferably in therapy.

I hope you can see this. If you had a healthy sense of self, when she belittled you for your choice of gifts, you would have just laughed at her pathetic attempt at control and said something like 'really? oh well, good luck getting another present from ME'


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

turnera said:


> Am I getting this right? You don't have kids, she doesn't work, she sits at home all day, and then she bullies you when you don't give her good enough stuff?!#@!
> 
> The bolded part above is your whole problem. For whatever reason, YOU have low self worth and you are AFRAID of something. Abandonment, criticism, denigration, ridicule...whatever it is she's controlling over you, you need to WORK on it. Preferably in therapy.
> 
> I hope you can see this. If you had a healthy sense of self, when she belittled you for your choice of gifts, you would have just laughed at her pathetic attempt at control and said something like 'really? oh well, good luck getting another present from ME'


She is a SAHM. 2 kids. We've been working on our issues and shes making progress. A lot has to do with her depression. She's done a lot of stuff... Quit smoking, therapist, housework, gym. So I'm not pushing harder then I need. 

In regards to the gifts, I think the point John makes is right. guys buy all sorts of stuff for their hobbies. It could be biking, hunting, fishing, motorsports, photography etc... If luxury items are a womans version of a hobby, who am I to say what our recreational money should be spent on. That's where I get confused. 

Now, I was giving her cash at each occasion and she was saving up for the purse. It was actually easier on me. But, she bought a coat. So now it doesn't make sense to start over. 

She hasn't really been pushing hard for the purse recently. She does kind of veiled threaten in a way that stresses me out though. And she does really reach with her requests and she doesn't act very gracious when she receives a gift. 

I have told her that she's terrible at receiving gifts. Likely when I got angry over her pushiness. That's probably when we went to the cash for occasions deal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You getting stressed out is solely on you. She's in therapy. What are you doing to lessen her control over you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lessthennone said:


> She is a SAHM. 2 kids. We've been working on our issues and shes making progress. A lot has to do with her depression. She's done a lot of stuff... Quit smoking, therapist, housework, gym. So I'm not pushing harder then I need.
> 
> In regards to the gifts, I think the point John makes is right. guys buy all sorts of stuff for their hobbies. It could be biking, hunting, fishing, motorsports, photography etc... If luxury items are a womans version of a hobby, who am I to say what our recreational money should be spent on. That's where I get confused.
> 
> ...


Generally the way finances should be handled is that first you pay yourself (savings). So you put 10% or so in a savings account for long term savings. 

Then you pay all your bills, buy food, etc.

After that discretionary funds are split 50/50 between husband and wife. Then each of you can blow or save your 50% any way you want.... you can each even have yoru own bank account for those funds.

Some families split the discretionary funds in a way that also allows for some money for the children to do things.

For example if the kids are going to a movie, that should not come out of your wife's 50%.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

turnera said:


> You getting stressed out is solely on you. She's in therapy. What are you doing to lessen her control over you?


I don't disagree about me getting stressed out. It's about avoiding her disappointment. 

All I can do is hope that her getting happier will make her be able to deal with disappointment over unrealistic expectations.

I've read MMSLP, NMMNG, love languages. I think the depression puts a twist on it. Then the confusion over whether it's just her being a woman, a SAHM, or being depressed. That's why I come here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

lessthennone said:


> I don't disagree about me getting stressed out. It's about avoiding her disappointment.
> 
> All I can do is hope that her getting happier will make her be able to deal with disappointment over unrealistic expectations.
> 
> ...


Just like you getting stressed out is on you, her getting disappointed is completely on her. 
You said it yourself, even when you give her exactly what she wants, she doesn't really appreciate it. 
So you fail either way but you can at least choose to save some money along the way.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Guy stuff generally has intrinsic value. And resale. Not investment grade but worthwhile. Purses and shoes...


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Generally the way finances should be handled is that first you pay yourself (savings). So you put 10% or so in a savings account for long term savings.
> 
> Then you pay all your bills, buy food, etc.
> 
> ...


That's interesting. We're probably not so imbalanced in our spending. My goods just tend to be durable and I use them frequently. Guys toys truly are different then womens. She has a bunch of overflowing clothes racks and piles of shoes to show for it.

My savings money actually doesn't come from my paycheck. I keep it out of sight out of mind. The paycheck is for bills and toys.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lessthennone said:


> That's interesting. We're probably not so imbalanced in our spending. My goods just tend to be durable and I use them frequently. Guys toys truly are different then womens. She has a bunch of overflowing clothes racks and piles of shoes to show for it.
> 
> My savings money actually doesn't come from my paycheck. I keep it out of sight out of mind. The paycheck is for bills and toys.


If the money you save comes from a different source, I assume that is still income. So when allocating funds to the different buckets, it's include. You put that money in savings. Good, then you have your entire paycheck for bills and discretionary spending.

If your wife has expensive clothing that she no longer uses, you might want to encourage her to start selling it on ebay. There is a good market for that sort of thing. Check out that $5000 on ebay and see what it sells for used.

Ebay has a service in which you send your item in to them and they take care of selling it. Do not use that service. They sell things for nothing. But putting it up and selling it herself, she might be able to make some money.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Do you guys have a budget of any kind? Your budget needs to include a category for "Mad money." Each of you gets the same amount of "Mad money" every month that you can spend any way you want, without the other person's permission. 

If it is isn't enough to buy what the person wants, they might have to save up for a couple of months to get what they want. 

If it goes up or down in value is that person's business.

If your wife wants to blow hers on purses and shoes that devalue, then that is her business. 

If you spend your money on stuff that goes up in value and you resell your stuff to make money to buy more stuff, then that is your business.

She has no room to complain if you end up with more cash to spend because you invested your mad money wisely.

The key to make it fair is if both of you have the same money to work with from the beginning.

Her comparing how much she gets to spend on her shoes and purses to what you spend on your hobby is only valid if you truly are spending more money out of the budget on your hobby than she is allowed to spend on her shoes and purses.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> If the money you save comes from a different source, I assume that is still income. So when allocating funds to the different buckets, it's include. You put that money in savings. Good, then you have your entire paycheck for bills and discretionary spending.
> 
> If your wife has expensive clothing that she no longer uses, you might want to encourage her to start selling it on ebay. There is a good market for that sort of thing. Check out that $5000 on ebay and see what it sells for used.
> 
> Ebay has a service in which you send your item in to them and they take care of selling it. Do not use that service. They sell things for nothing. But putting it up and selling it herself, she might be able to make some money.


She sold some of it. She sold the priciest of her shoes on Ebay. They were in new condition. And a purse. You get back about half of your money on super luxury items. After that, you don't get much. 

She still claims that she wears all of her stuff. She doesn't want to sell. She knows she could sell and save for the purse. She seperated the money last time and tried, but bought a coat instead.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

Could it be that she wants these super expensive gifts to 'catch up' with the amount of money you spend on your hobby?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Does she participate at all in the budget, investment, money management? Her knowing how much money there is and where it all goes might help her make better decisions with how she spends her part of the money.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lessthennone said:


> I don't disagree about me getting stressed out. It's about avoiding her disappointment.
> 
> All I can do is hope that her getting happier will make her be able to deal with disappointment over unrealistic expectations.
> 
> ...


You're missing the point. A NON-Nice Guy wouldn't care about 'avoiding her disappointment.' Why? Because he would be secure in himself enough that if he KNEW he was treating her right, even better than many would, if SHE then chose to be disappointed, well, that would be on HER, wouldn't it?

Instead, you're sitting here wringing your hands over how you can get her to stop being dissatisfied.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

This is a general reply to the last few posts. 

First, we don't have structure in our budgeting. We don't keep track of who spends what. If there is something she wants (normal priced)she buys it. If it's something with a crazy price, she'll ask me and sometimes I'll say yes. Sometimes I'll say no. Sometimes I'll say save up for it. 

There were times I think she got resentful over an item I had purchased. Not at them time, but more like why can't I have the purse when you bought X. So I explained to her that I sold an expensive item from a previous hobby that payed for the new item. I bought this item about 10 years ago for $2900, put in in my safe deposit box and then sold it for $5500 a few years ago. I've had lots of collections over the years, and I still have most of them. Some are valuable and appreciating. A shoe and handbag collection doesn't appreciate. So, that's how I justify it to myself, though I think she's a bit resentful. Since I feel like I have spent a lot on my hobby, I try and keep it revenue neutral. If I buy something for $2k, I put $2k in the account from the sale of something else. That's how I've done it for a while.

She's not inherently good with finances. She used to overspend before we were married. If I didn't attempt to control the spending, she'd spend a ton. Last year, a midst our issues, she got a letter from a lawyer. We were being sued for not paying an $8k CC bill. Apparently, she had a CC, ran it up buying clothes and then pretended it didn't exist. At the time, she blamed a lot of our issues on the stresses of that looming bill. That was an excuse, she still acted the same after I payed it off. She didn't change all of the things that she said were a result. But, I didn't make a big deal about it. I payed it off. It was extremely embarrassing for me. I've never not payed a bill on time.

I do keep her out of our investments. It may also be why I try and keep my paycheck and investment money separate. Literally out of sight out of mind. I even invested her 401K from her past job for her, and we have that for retirement. Made some good money thanks to Apple!

Now, we may not have the best budgetary plans, but the topic has kind of shifted. What I really wanted to know was how to respond to her unrealistic requests for gifts. I think I got my answer. As long as I'm being realistic, there's nothing wrong with saying no or even pushing back strongly when she gets pushy. 

I will say that I have protested her occasions in the past. I said if you can't pick out anything affordable then you won't get anything. For a couple of occasions she didn't. I may ask open ended questions that make me seem too nice. That's because I don't want to put words in peoples mouths. I know how to say no.

I did just think of two other instances where she seemed ungrateful. Last Valentines day, I bought her flowers. I hadn't planned in advance, so I went to the supermarket and picked up some roses. I gave them to her and she said "You bought them at the supermarket?" I said yes. She was mad because apparently supermarket flowers aren't as nice as flower shop flowers. So 4 months later was our anniversary. The day before, I had blew out my back and I literally couldn't go to a flower store. We were at our summer home and can't get deliveries. So, I had the flowers delivered to myself at work. I brought them to her, barely able to carry the flowers due to my back; and gave them to her. She asked "Why did you have them delivered to the store?" I replied my back. She was mad that I left the delivery address of my business on there. I didn't even notice it. I'm pretty sure I blew up on her. It tends to happen when my back goes out. That's when I lose my patience. 

I know people will say I'm being too weak. I ned to get tougher. I don't roll over and give her everything. But, when she suggests that something is unfair, I come here to see if neutral people think it's unfair. 

The truth is, I just want to get to the place where she's happier about reality. More like it was before the kids. If possible, I'd like to avoid as many fights in the meantime.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Because you do not have a defined budget, or specified amount of spending money which she knows about, she does not know what "reasonable" amount of money is. The way you have it set up is kind of like a parent/child situation. She has to come to ask you permission for everything because you make all the final approvals. Do you prefer to keep her in limbo so you can make all the big decisions, because that is what you have right now.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Because you do not have a defined budget, or specified amount of spending money which she knows about, she does not know what "reasonable" amount of money is. The way you have it set up is kind of like a parent/child situation. She has to come to ask you permission for everything because you make all the final approvals. Do you prefer to keep her in limbo so you can make all the big decisions, because that is what you have right now.


I see where you are coming from. It does go both ways, though. If I'm making a big purchase, I tell/ask her. If she wants something bigger then a few hundred dollars, she asks me. I usually say yes. 

That said, I didn't post here because I'm having troubles with our budget. I'm having troubles when it's gift giving time. 

I think I'd prefer to deal with one issue at a time. I don't think setting up a budgetary structure will prevent her from getting this way over potential gifts.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

lessthennone said:


> I see where you are coming from. It does go both ways, though. If I'm making a big purchase, I tell/ask her. If she wants something bigger then a few hundred dollars, she asks me. I usually say yes.
> 
> That said, I didn't post here because I'm having troubles with our budget. I'm having troubles when it's gift giving time.
> 
> I think I'd prefer to deal with one issue at a time. I don't think setting up a budgetary structure will prevent her from getting this way over potential gifts.


The problems you are having with gift giving are pretty much tied to her being clueless about finances or just not caring about the reality.

I know the level of stuff your wife is wanting you to buy her. I would bet she is asking for Chanel, Hermes, Celine, Louis Vuitton, Louboutin...If she is into these brands and that level of luxury goods telling you to buy her a Coach or Michael Kors bag isn't going to cut it for her. It is like buying someone who is asking for beluga caviar chum instead. You aren't going to suceed in telling her it is a waste of money or isn't "worth it" or a good investment. But you can tell her it is out of bounds for your family budget beyond X$ per year or gift...Otherwise this fight is going to continue on every occasion that a gift is called for. This is a bigger issue overall, she sounds like she has no concept of money.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

kristin2349 said:


> The problems you are having with gift giving are pretty much tied to her being clueless about finances or just not caring about the reality.
> 
> I know the level of stuff your wife is wanting you to buy her. I would bet she is asking for Chanel, Hermes, Celine, Louis Vuitton, Louboutin...If she is into these brands and that level of luxury goods telling you to buy her a Coach or Michael Kors bag isn't going to cut it for her. It is like buying someone who is asking for beluga caviar chum instead. You aren't going to suceed in telling her it is a waste of money or isn't "worth it" or a good investment. But you can tell her it is out of bounds for your family budget beyond X$ per year or gift...Otherwise this fight is going to continue on every occasion that a gift is called for. This is a bigger issue overall, she sounds like she has no concept of money.


Yes. Concise and accurate.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

lessthennone said:


> First of all, this has been out of hand for about 5 years now. These days, she starts mentioning her birthday weeks in advance and starts implying I better get her something good. Throughout the weeks, she'll keep hinting. If I ask her what she wants, she'll mention the expensive gifts and nothing else. Then she'll say she wants me to put the effort in.
> 
> She doesn't like gift certificates because they aren't personal. I still have to use them as fall backs.
> 
> I did read No More Mr Nice Guy. Short of telling her to grow up and get real, which is what I want to say, it wasn't very helpful.


Does your wife also compare you with other husbands and show you in poor light? Like say that Stacy's husband bought her a $10000000000000000 gift and make you feel bad?

This is a pattern that I saw in my wife. In the beginning the asks were small, and I would do it because it was not a big deal and I hoped it would make her happy, but it became a constant race of me trying to compete with John, Paul, George and Ringo all the time and I don't have the time, money or the interest to do it. Her latest was that her friends had the latest iPhone and she had a "crappy" 5S. So I bought her the very latest one for $650 and she said thank you and that was it, she's moved on the next thing she wants which is a week long vacation. 

Best thing is to put an end to this. There will be whining and comparing, but then just ignore it. Or compare her to other "hot" wives and she will cut out the comparisons. Better still, compare her to her sister.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

lessthennone said:


> This is a general reply to the last few posts.
> 
> First, we don't have structure in our budgeting. We don't keep track of who spends what. If there is something she wants (normal priced)she buys it. If it's something with a crazy price, she'll ask me and sometimes I'll say yes. Sometimes I'll say no. Sometimes I'll say save up for it.
> 
> ...


Wow, she just seems like an entitled b%^@%^@#%. Far worse than my wife. You need to stand up for yourself and learn to say no. I bet she does not get you any gifts.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If you spend $10,000 on your own hobbies, it's probably fair to spend $10,000 on her gifts. 

However, you are falling into a trap. Her love language of gifts that can only be attained with $5,000 purses is really a marital test.

It's like saying your love language is physical touch. Therefore you ask your wife for oral every morning, regular every afternoon and anal every night.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

nirvana said:


> Does your wife also compare you with other husbands and show you in poor light? Like say that Stacy's husband bought her a $10000000000000000 gift and make you feel bad?
> 
> This is a pattern that I saw in my wife. In the beginning the asks were small, and I would do it because it was not a big deal and I hoped it would make her happy, but it became a constant race of me trying to compete with John, Paul, George and Ringo all the time and I don't have the time, money or the interest to do it. Her latest was that her friends had the latest iPhone and she had a "crappy" 5S. So I bought her the very latest one for $650 and she said thank you and that was it, she's moved on the next thing she wants which is a week long vacation.
> 
> Best thing is to put an end to this. There will be whining and comparing, but then just ignore it. Or compare her to other "hot" wives and she will cut out the comparisons. Better still, compare her to her sister.


Yup. She has a friend on Facebook who buys expensive stuff. She idolizes this person for their possessions.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

She sounds like a spoiled rotten little girl. For acting the way she diod when you bought her the expensive shoes, I wouldn't have gotten her a damn thing the next year. My wife is the same way, her behavior concerning gifts pisses me off.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Hicks said:


> If you spend $10,000 on your own hobbies, it's probably fair to spend $10,000 on her gifts.
> 
> However, you are falling into a trap. Her love language of gifts that can only be attained with $5,000 purses is really a marital test.
> 
> It's like saying your love language is physical touch. Therefore you ask your wife for oral every morning, regular every afternoon and anal every night.


I completely agree that if I spend $10k on myself over 7 years or so, she should get the equivalent. But, if I chose to spend $1000 on a collectible and it turns into $3000, do I have to split it with her? Plus, the slow determined savings on my part goes unnoticed. After I commit to shopping for something, it usually takes me a year or so to find the right deal. 

I agree she's setting a trap. My language is touch. Your analogy is spot on. Despite hinting and asking, I haven't had oral since... Well, I don't remember... and I tend to remember those things.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

jb02157 said:


> She sounds like a spoiled rotten little girl. For acting the way she diod when you bought her the expensive shoes, I wouldn't have gotten her a damn thing the next year. My wife is the same way, her behavior concerning gifts pisses me off.


I've said it before, there have been times that her pressure was so stressful that I didn't buy her a gift. Basically as a protest. I completely forgot about my permanent flower protest. 

Until I posted this thread, I always looked at my reaction as being too harsh. Now, I'm thinking I was right.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

lessthennone said:


> I've said it before, there have been times that her pressure was so stressful that I didn't buy her a gift. Basically as a protest. I completely forgot about my permanent flower protest.
> 
> Until I posted this thread, I always looked at my reaction as being too harsh. Now, I'm thinking I was right.


Not too harsh at all, I think you did the right thing.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

With a budget a person also has the option of saving for gifts for the other person. 

If one person has already spent all their money on themself, then they won't have any left over for gifts. That will send a clear message to the other person that one's own needs are more important than the other person's. 

It is February, plenty of time to establish the mad excess spending (mad money) budget and begin saving for each other for next year. You can even make it sound like a fun way to surprise each other with each other's gifts next year. If she expects you to spend $5K on her gift next year, she had better also have saved $5K of her money for your gift too, since you also like nice gifts.

Sounds like you have allowed a monster to grow. Start a new plan to shrink the monster.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

I wish I could read through all of the posts on this thread, since I am late commenting. 

I am a bicyclist, a hobby that can be very expensive even if trying to be thrifty. All but one of my bicycles (yes, plural) are used bicycles that I purchased or rescued for nothing or next to nothing. I am a decent mechanic, so making those bicycles rideable has been low cost. But I bought a new bicycle last year, my first new bicycle in over 20 years of riding. I felt bad about buying it even though it was low cost for a new bicycle. I have many friends who ascribe to what is called the "N=1" rule, basically saying that for each bicycle purchase the spouse must be rewarded. We laugh about it but we also know it is true.

If buying expensive gifts for her is not hurting you financially, including saving for the future, I say there is no harm in buying expensive presents for her.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

lessthennone said:


> I completely agree.....But, ......
> 
> I agree she's setting a trap.


You know what you have to do. And you know it is right. Just do it. Do you want to use a spreadsheet to keep a running total of gift/hobby spend? Seven year averages? Asset depreciation and appreciation? Really? It does not matter if you spend a little more on you one year and her the next. 

If you put any cap on the gift giving for her, you said that she will be disappointed. You also said you cannot afford the rate of gift spending. Your problem is learning how to deal with her "disappointment". What is going to happen when your kids get older and want expensive stuff? Will you be able to deal with THEIR disappointment when you have to tell them NO?


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

lessthennone said:


> Yup. She has a friend on Facebook who buys expensive stuff. She idolizes this person for their possessions.


It's the same story man.
We have a couple we know and the wife talks about all the expensive things her great husband got her like $10k watches and vacations to Disney, Vegas etc and Louis Vitton bags. Always the very latest iPhone. This gets all the other ladies jealous. Now my wife has a nice house in a nice area with nice schools that she lives in. 

The toxic lady lives in a small townhouse in a so-so area with so-so schools and never talks about it. Her house is underwater because hubby spent money on cars and other stuff and not on mortgage. 

We are in a similar situation. This woman goes all over and posts pics on Whatsapp and FB about her trips. I don't think they have anything saved up for kids college or retirement.

You need to break out of this cycle. Don't buy her anything next time. Reset her timer. Bring down her expectations. She will ***** and moan and compare, but be prepared and don't give in. In a year, get her something you can afford of the right price. She will treasure it more with her lowered expectations. This is not easy, and she will trash you in the meantime and compare you unfavorably.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

This whole thread makes me really glad I don't know any women like this. I just don't get it. What do you do with such expensive items? Tell other people you have them, and then...? 

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lessthennone said:


> The truth is, I just want to get to the place where she's happier about reality. More like it was before the kids.


What does she say when you tell her this?


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

turnera said:


> What does she say when you tell her this?


She says I don't understand how hard it is to watch the kids. She shows me articles from frustrated SAHM's. Actually they seem to be intentional rants about their kids. In most cases, I think most of it is tongue in cheek, but there are other times she interprets it differently. 

I think the truth is that when she gets stressed out, she loses her filter and just says whatever she's thinking. Most often they are things that shouldn't be said. Insulting and offensive things that are my main reason for being here. If she really believes the stuff she says, then she's sick. If she doesn't believe it, then she really needs to keep it to herself.


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

lessthennone said:


> She says I don't understand how hard it is to watch the kids. She shows me articles from frustrated SAHM's. Actually they seem to be intentional rants about their kids. In most cases, I think most of it is tongue in cheek, but there are other times she interprets it differently.
> 
> *I think the truth is that when she gets stressed out, she loses her filter and just says whatever she's thinking.* *Most often they are things that shouldn't be said. Insulting and offensive things that are my main reason for being here. If she really believes the stuff she says, then she's sick. If she doesn't believe it, then she really needs to keep it to herself*.


 What kind of things does she say? Does she say those things to you only or to the kids too?


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Annie123 said:


> What kind of things does she say? Does she say those things to you only or to the kids too?


With me she syas i go to work and sit in my butt all day. When my back went out, she told me I did it so I wouldn't have to watch the kids. She tells me to quit my hobby because it takes time away from her.

She mocks the kids when they are asking for stuff. She's gotten into kind of drama battles with the kids. She doesnmt realize they are just kids. My daughter is 3. She just gets all stressed and cannot keep it together. 

She's acknowledged that. She blames stress from being a SAHM. I've realized it's deeper and that's what I'm trying to help her treat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

lessthennone said:


> With me she syas i go to work and sit in my butt all day. When my back went out, she told me I did it so I wouldn't have to watch the kids. She tells me to quit my hobby because it takes time away from her.
> 
> She mocks the kids when they are asking for stuff. She's gotten into kind of drama battles with the kids. She doesnmt realize they are just kids. My daughter is 3. She just gets all stressed and cannot keep it together.
> 
> ...


I'm so sorry to hear all that. It sounds horrible. It p1sses me off that she tells you that you sit on your butt all day but is, of course, more than willing to spend the money you make sitting on your butt. There's no respect there.

The way she treats the kids is not healthy and is damaging their perception of what behavior is normal and acceptable. She's also undermining their self-esteem by mocking them.

If she claims that all of this is happening because she's stressed from being a SAHM, maybe you can hire a nanny or put the kids in daycare and she can look for a job. Would that be doable?

Also, your hobby... Well maybe if she wasn't so nasty you'd actually want to spend more time with her.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

lessthennone said:


> With me she syas i go to work and sit in my butt all day. When my back went out, she told me I did it so I wouldn't have to watch the kids. She tells me to quit my hobby because it takes time away from her.
> 
> She mocks the kids when they are asking for stuff. She's gotten into kind of drama battles with the kids. She doesnmt realize they are just kids. My daughter is 3. She just gets all stressed and cannot keep it together.
> 
> ...


This all sounds like depression. 

Beyond the purchases, does she have any other outlets in her life that are just for her? To be a whole person again...not just a wife/mom? Hobbies? Friends? Interests?

How much time does she get to herself to do whatever she wants to do? 

How much time do you guys spend together on dates?

Being a SAHM is super stressful and quite honestly, I did it for a very short while with very young kids and felt like I was NOT a good mom while doing it. I also suffer from depression/anxiety and it's difficult when your mind is already overwhelmed due to your own issue and then add in kid (s) who need help to process their own emotions. The fact that there was no pause button (unlike work where you can slip away from a highly charged moment for a few minutes to pull yourself together if needed) was very difficult for me. I can't speak for all sufferers but I find myself easily agitated by noise and chaotic situations. It's like stimulus overload and instantly sends me on edge. Noise and chaos is a constant with small kids. 

You said she sees a therapist - what does her therapist say? Have you ever seen the therapist and told them her behavior of the relentless need for material items? 

Does she swing up and down in emotion a lot? One of the hallmark behaviors of bipolar disorder is excessive spending and being outside of reality during a "high" swing. 

Just throwing some ideas out there...

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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

kag123 said:


> This whole thread makes me really glad I don't know any women like this. I just don't get it. What do you do with such expensive items? Tell other people you have them, and then...?
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk



Some women get off on "I have this and you don't". 
Many men do this as well, but my experience is that men are less susceptible to this kind of jealous than women. 

As you said, there is not much you can do with those items after you have shown them.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

lessthennone said:


> She says I don't understand how hard it is to watch the kids. She shows me articles from frustrated SAHM's. Actually they seem to be intentional rants about their kids. In most cases, I think most of it is tongue in cheek, but there are other times she interprets it differently.
> 
> I think the truth is that when she gets stressed out....


OP, from your initial posts is appeared that your wife was a just spoiled brat. From this ^^^^ above you are probably right that there are deeper issues here. She is trying to tell you something and in her way she is reaching out to you for help. The whole gifting issue could be a minor symptom of some larger problem. Keep posting and maybe someone can help you figure out what it is. Have you sat in on any of her therapy sessions?


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Well... Credit where credit is due. I gave my wife her yoga gifts and she was gracious and thankful. I was relieved. I was going to post a whole much ado about nothing thread yesterday, but...

Sure enough I got a migrane at work. We were busy, but I had to leave. I came home and my wife was upset because she said she might have wanted to go out. I wasn't scheduled to be home, so I don't know why I was messing up her plans. I donmt come home from work sick often, but when I do she's always mad at me. Because I cannot help with the kids.

So I got home at took a nap. I woke up midway through and my wife was suggesting cancelling our dinner plans. I said I'd be fine. I kind of know my timeline with migranes. If I sleep, I'm Ok after a few hours. I slept and I was fine later.

We go out to dinner and it takes some time for them to seat us. We ordered the kids food first. Then the waitress comes over and asks if we're ready. My wife told me to order first and I did, but then she couldn't decide. I was trying not to rush her, but I did tell her thenkids are going to get less patient as time goes on. She felt like I was rushing her. So after a while, our entrees hadn't come and then kids were not going to make it. I told her I would have my food packed up. I didn't realize she still had a salad coming. So again, she acted mad like I was rushing her. At the same time, she was complaining that she couldn't enjoy dinner with the kids jumping around. I'm pretty sure she was sugesting leaving, but when I said it, she acted upset. We left...

On the way home, she implies I rushed her. She says, directed at the kids, "daddy had to get a headache on mommy's birthday." I was mad, but calmly asked what she meant by that. She said it was just her being "snarky". In the past, I've told her that what she thinks is snarky, is actually rude and insulting. 

It's as if she needed something to ruin her birthday. I'm frustrated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

This is never going to be resolved without a therapist. Make an appointment.


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