# Wife teases about BJ but refuses



## Confused_husband77 (Jul 20, 2013)

Just curious if I am out of line here. My wife refuses to give blowjobs. She has never given me one. Yet she teases me about it. She will stick her tongue out and make noises. Sometimes when we are fooling around she will take my finger in her mouth and suck it and essentially give my finger a blow job. Then she gets mad when I ask her to give me one. She asks why I always have to bring it up and gets mad that she can't do stuff like that without me wanting a blowjob. To me it seems like she is being a tease and if anyone has a right to be mad it is me. Am I off base here?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

You have a right to be mad. She's totally messing with your head. Probably a power/control issue.

But so what?

Doesn't get you any closer to getting your d!ck sucked.

I couldn't imagine being with a woman who wouldn't give me BJs.

I don't even think I could be with a woman who wouldn't let me cum all over her.

But hey maybe you can live a compromise.


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

My wife used to do the exact same thing. I learned that it is classic passive aggressive behavior, also known as "crazy making" behavior. I suggest you learn about it and how to deal with it. If you don't, it will only get worse. PA's are notorious for figuring out what you really want and making sure you never get it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dc366 (May 25, 2011)

She does not accept you completely. In other words she does not love you entirely. You should find someone who not only gives you a BJ but also swallows your cum. Only a woman who swallows is fully acceptable of you and she loves you the most.

There are few things you can do:
1) buy her a book that teaches BJs. Many of these books actually teach the woman to be comfortable about sucking.
2) when you are with a group of friends with your wife make one of your close friends talk about blowjobs and how he dumps any girl that does not give proper head. When your wife hears of such stories she might get more motivated to do it.
3) seems like you are the sexual aggressor in this relationship. Are you initiating kissing and sex more than she is? If that's the case you will have to turn the tables and make her the sexual aggressor. I don't know how to turn the tables just yet.. Try seeking help at pua forums etc.
4) watch a porn movie with her. Make sure the pornstar looks like her (same hair color, build type, etc) and that she swallows.
5) talk to her close friend.
6) while having sex with her, cum on her stomach without announcing. If she doesn't like make a face like "what's wrong with you?" Also tell her that it was hot.. In time she will get used to it. Then slowly move your way up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Confused_husband77 (Jul 20, 2013)

Jay - how did you deal with it?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

At the least you should ask her to not tease you any longer. Her teasing you only reminds you how you cant have that in your life and serves no other purpose.

And no, you aren't out of line for wanting that. Do you give her oral?


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## Confused_husband77 (Jul 20, 2013)

I give her anything and everything she asks for. I love going down on her. There are also quite a few nights where I will play with her nipples and such for hours giving her a lot of pleasure. She enjoys it and yet sometimes when she is done I get told to go jack off if I am horny. Or I am not in the mood for sex tonight but since we are trying to conceive you need to save it for tomorrow. Honestly my marriage is great but the sex sometimes drives me nuts.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Yes, that would drive me nuts as well. Can she not see the unfair nature of your present arrangement?


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## Confused_husband77 (Jul 20, 2013)

I honestly don't know if she does realize how unfair it is. When she does this I am "allowed" to talk about bj's to an extent and she will laugh and tease. Then every time she will suddenly get pissed, roll over, and go to sleep. Normally in there somewhere is a threat to stop playing around since I can't seem to handle it without wanting what she won't give. I love her, I just wish things were a bit different in bed.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I guess it is not very mature to stop going down on her and just teasing without follow through. But I would have a hard time, I think, not being immature in your situation.

Actually I have been in your situation. I like BJ and have been giving them but H wasn't returning the favor until recently - and we have been married 18 years. Now that he is, though, its all I can think about and I would like it every day please.

So I can talk about playing hardball - but I didn't until just recently. And its not like you want someone doing it out of pity either.


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## Confused_husband77 (Jul 20, 2013)

Yeah. I am not good at refusing her anything. She has a body fluid phobia so I do understand her not wanting to give me a bj. I just don't understand teasing me about it and then not following through.

Just for an example of her phobia one night I was fingering her and I started to tease her nipple. She told me to clean off my fingers first. So I licked them off. She almost threw up.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Well, she could give you one with a condom - but I see what you are saying. You are very giving with her, it sounds like - and at the minimum she should stop the teasing.


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

Confused_husband77 said:


> Jay - how did you deal with it?


It's a long story, but I'll try to give you the Cliff Notes. My situation might be a little different, because my wife had no problem giving me bjs before marriage. 

When I say she did the exact same things, I mean it. Let me give you a story from my former hell. '

The bjs stopped after we had our last child. It became a huge point of contention for several reasons. The main reason was, she led me to believe I was the only one she had ever had oral sex with (not so sure about that now, but doesn't matter), so it made it our "special" thing. As PA's do, she would pretend not to remember ever giving me a bj, give excuses for why she wouldn't do it, and turn it around on me for being a pervert by only focusing on "one act". 

So after about a year of fighting about this, we were at her parents house sitting outside. We were having popsicles, and she looks me right in the eye and runs her tounge up the side of the popsicle. My head practically exploded in confusion and grief. I think I managed to say something later that night, but of course by that time I was "making it all up", which is another PA strategy to make you crazy. The other poster is correct, it is a control issue. 

That was several years ago. Fast forward to today. Once I learned what PA behavior is all about, all the confusing episodes from our 25 year relationship started falling into place. The popsicle issue was bad, but far from the worst. 

Part of the problem was MY inability to set healthy boundries for myself and to remove my wife from the pedastal I had placed her on. In other words, in my mind she could do no wrong, and this bj thing was a case of her not "getting it". I could have predicted your other post, for I was the exact same way. Give give give give give but get nothing in return, it is truly CRAZY MAKING BEHAVIOR! 

Once I realized she was a classic passive aggressive, everything changed. I no longer had dependency issues, removed her from the pedastal, and called her out on ALL her crazy behavior in our relationship. She could tell I was no longer under her control, and this led to many positive changes.

So it wasn't just the bj issue, as I wrapped it up in all the other PA behaviors that existed in our marriage. One of the keys is not putting up with it! You must call out this behavior every time it happens. 

This is where I suggest you read more about PA behavior, because when confronted, they engage in very cunning behaviours like love-bombing that you need to be aware of. They MUST believe their control over you is gone before they will change their behavior.

Best of luck, this personality type is one the most difficult to deal with. I truly believe the only thing that helped us is when she was 100% sure I was out of there if things didn't change.

Jay


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## Confused_husband77 (Jul 20, 2013)

Suggested the condom idea. It was a no go. When she gets mad she likes to say the finger sucking has nothing to do with teasing me. But when she has my finger in her mouth sucking on it and stroking it with her tongue what am I supposed to think?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Stop it by not bending over backwards for her anymore and yes it is a control issue. You can't control her but you can control what you will put up with.


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

Confused_husband77 said:


> Suggested the condom idea. It was a no go. When she gets mad she likes to say the finger sucking has nothing to do with teasing me. But when she has my finger in her mouth sucking on it and stroking it with her tongue what am I supposed to think?


Exactly! This is why it is called "crazy making" behavior. The key to dealing with a PA is to focus on their ACTIONS, not their words. Their actions will give away their feelings every time, and their words will directly contradict their actions.


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

I also must add that none of this means she doesn't love you, or you don't love her, etc. PA behavior is usually learned as a coping mechanism in childhood. This is why I recommend learning as much as you can about it before you confront her. When I started to understand what was causing this behavior, the resentment and hostility I had toward her disappeared, and I almost felt pity for her. But it is this understanding that will allow you to deal with it in an assertive, non-confrontational way. As soon as you start to raise your voice or show any aggression, it is over. She will withdraw, turn it around so it is your fault, or start distraction techniques. Like I said, this is probably the most difficult problem/personality type to deal with.

Don't beat yourself up either. It took me 20 years to figure all this out. And it didn't start to click until I learned why I attracted women like this and how I was enabling her behavior. It takes two to tango.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> I guess it is not very mature to stop going down on her and just teasing without follow through. But I would have a hard time, I think, not being immature in your situation.
> 
> Actually I have been in your situation. I like BJ and have been giving them but H wasn't returning the favor until recently - and we have been married 18 years. Now that he is, though, its all I can think about and I would like it every day please.
> 
> So I can talk about playing hardball - but I didn't until just recently. And its not like you want someone doing it out of pity either.


I was your husband. Still don't fully like it, but there is a reciprocation factor in marriage and sex. How can I expect a BJ, which I like and then not give her something she likes in return?

It makes you feel stupid when you come to that realization. We never fought, my wife just stopped giving me BJs and I put two and two together. When I reciprocate frequency went up, when I didn't it went down.

Still, she never did anything this rude, nor did I. 

Edit:
I mean the teasing, not you playing hardball.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Confused_husband77 said:


> I give her anything and everything she asks for. I love going down on her. She enjoys it and yet sometimes when she is done I get told to go jack off if I am horny. Or I am not in the mood for sex tonight but since we are trying to conceive you need to save it for tomorrow.


Stop giving her anything and everything when she's obviously not willing to do the same for you


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Why the hell are you still putting your finger in her mouth? Do you secretly like getting teased?


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Confused_husband77 said:


> She has a body fluid phobia so I do understand her not wanting to give me a bj. I just don't understand teasing me about it and then not following through.
> 
> Just for an example of her phobia one night I was fingering her and I started to tease her nipple. She told me to clean off my fingers first. So I licked them off. She almost threw up.


After numerous girlfriends before marriage, one thing I learned for certain. Women who are easily grossed out about things make very, very poor sex partners.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Theseus said:


> After numerous girlfriends before marriage, one thing I learned for *certain*. Women who are easily grossed out about things make very, very poor sex partners.


Pretty broad generalisation there.

Mr H and I have a rocking sex life, 7-10 times per week, lots of variety, love being tied up and doing this to him, shower, couch, outside or where ever. Lots of oral and swallowing.
Ok might be lame to some but we are super happy.

But I have never and will never do anal or facials, both gross me out. Oh well I think he is pretty happy, actually I know for certain he is blissed out.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Holland said:


> Pretty broad generalisation there.
> 
> Mr H and I have a rocking sex life, 7-10 times per week, lots of variety, love being tied up and doing this to him, shower, couch, outside or where ever. Lots of oral and swallowing.
> Ok might be lame to some but we are super happy.
> ...


:smthumbup:


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Confused_husband77 said:


> I give her anything and everything she asks for. I love going down on her. There are also quite a few nights where I will play with her nipples and such for hours giving her a lot of pleasure. *She enjoys it and yet sometimes when she is done I get told to go jack off if I am horny*. Or I am not in the mood for sex tonight but since we are trying to conceive you need to save it for tomorrow. Honestly my marriage is great but the sex sometimes drives me nuts.


Sorry bud, your marriage is not great. There is no way that this is the one and only issue that your wife does this with, you probably just don't realize it or are burying your head in the sand.

There is so much contempt in what you wrote and it says a lot about your relationship that A) She does it and B) you tolerate it.

Definitely need to read No More Mr. Nice Guy, you might be surprised....


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Holland said:


> Pretty broad generalisation there.


But very true in my experience. And my experience was pretty broad. 



> Mr H and I have a rocking sex life, 7-10 times per week, lots of variety, love being tied up and doing this to him, shower, couch, outside or where ever. Lots of oral and swallowing.
> Ok might be lame to some but we are super happy.
> 
> But I have never and will never do anal or facials, both gross me out. Oh well I think he is pretty happy, actually I know for certain he is blissed out.


That's wonderful, but it doesn't sound like you are easily grossed out. You are nothing like the OP's wife who refuses BJs and almost got sick just because he licked his fingers after touching her.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

jay1365 said:


> Exactly! This is why it is called "crazy making" behavior. The key to dealing with a PA is to focus on their ACTIONS, not their words. Their actions will give away their feelings every time, and their words will directly contradict their actions.


Yep. She knows your feelings, how you interpret the action and she still "doesn't tease you."
Yep, Passive A all the way.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Theseus said:


> After numerous girlfriends before marriage, one thing I learned for certain. Women who are easily grossed out about things make very, very poor sex partners.


And it rarely gets better.

BJ's are a litmus test for me. If she's not into them, I'm not going to be in to her. The women I've been with in my life who ultimately turned into frigid, unimaginative, non-adventurous, low drive, or bait and switch types....the bj was the first to "go"...if it was ever there at all. 

I understand there are issues that some women will have with not wanting to give them. I'm just not one that wants to deal with those issues. I tried. It was like banging my head against a wall and getting nowhere.

The 3 years with my ex, I received ONE. I should have known better. The frequent sex of our first 6 to 9 months together quickly evaporated and evolved into the usual b.s. game where "well, if you'd just stop bothering me about it, maybe I'd be in the mood more often", followed by months of me not saying a word, with no results. Ugh. To know then what I know now.

My W on the other hand, would always try, very enthusiastically, but not for long. Didn't take long to find out that she just thought she was bad at them. Her ex-H told her many years ago she "sucked" at that, and didn't know how to give one. That was the last one he got. She likes to give oral, but was very self conscious about it. All it took was a little reassurance from me, and the bj's just keep on a' commin'. And she's spectacular at it.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Tell her to put up or shut up!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Confused_husband77 said:


> Just curious if I am out of line here. My wife refuses to give blowjobs. She has never given me one. Yet she teases me about it. She will stick her tongue out and make noises. Sometimes when we are fooling around she will take my finger in her mouth and suck it and essentially give my finger a blow job. Then she gets mad when I ask her to give me one. She asks why I always have to bring it up and gets mad that she can't do stuff like that without me wanting a blowjob. To me it seems like she is being a tease and if anyone has a right to be mad it is me. Am I off base here?


Does she play other cruel little games? Give left handed compliments, break engagements with no real reason, just screw people over for no real reason? Make really flimsy excuses for withholding sex? Sounds like she might just have that streak in her personality....

the woodchuck


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

My wife is not into blowjobs at all. Very, very rarely would I ever expect her to even try to give me a blowjob to completion. The last time this happened was probably 2 years ago or more. I would love to get a lot more BJs from my wife. At most, I'll occasionally get about 30 seconds during foreplay. But to her credit, she doesn't expect me to go down on her and we will do other things in addition to PIV sex. 

The solution will most likely be to get her to stop with the teasing. Not everyone will be into oral, and if she has this phobia about body fluids (I'm guessing ejaculating inside of her is a no no??), then you will probably never get the BJs want. But at least you can work on getting the PA crap to stop.

OP, do you otherwise have a healthy sex life? If so, learn to appreciate what you have and spice up those things that you know she'll be willing to do.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Go find someone who will please rather than tease.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Tell your wife you a treating her to a $2K shopping spree, go with her let her pick and chose things. Then tell her you are only teasing her. Then say "Not a nice feeling is it?"


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## Seawolf (Oct 10, 2011)

The unacceptability of your wife's behavior is exceeded only by the wretched wimpiness of your own. I'm nearly at a loss for words reading this pst and what you willingly, yes willingly, put up with.

Nearly

If you really want to address this, and I have my doubts that you do, then you need to start being a man immediately. Your wife is using this torture to control you and remind you in the most painful way who is in charge. Her behavior I'd classic passive aggressive behavior.

The only way to deal with these people is straight on. At their heart they are cowards who don't have the guts to be in a relationship on an honest level so they assert their control in a passive, humiliating way hoping to avoid confrontation. You need to tell her that you're on to her and that it is going to stop. Now. Then everytime she pulls this, and she will try to defeat you, you call her on it and assess consequences.

As I said, these people are cowards and my bet is that the single thing she is most afraid of is losing you. So this is the key to getting the upper hand. Tell her that you are not interested in this type of relationship and that you will leave if things don't change. Then take action that tangibly backs up your threat. Lose weight. Workout, get new clothes, go out with male friends, be MIA once in a wile to keep her wondering. Most importantly start asserting control in the bedroom. What you don't get, you don't give. Period

Do you have the balls to do this?


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Honestly since she has never given you one you can't just expect her to start. However the teasing is unacceptable. Put an end to it. If she can suck a finger she can suck a you know what.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

lenzi said:


> You have a right to be mad. She's totally messing with your head. Probably a power/control issue.
> 
> But so what?
> 
> ...


Agreed

and his wife is SICK


She clearly enjoys the power of it and letting him down.



He should REALLY rethink his marriage to her. She knows damn well what she is doing but is playing dumb, she likes letting him down and manipulating his feelings.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Seawolf said:


> The unacceptability of your wife's behavior is exceeded only by the wretched wimpiness of your own. I'm nearly at a loss for words reading this pst and what you willingly, yes willingly, put up with.
> 
> Nearly
> 
> ...


Id agree EXCEPT for the fact that she even behaves like this. There is no changing her, she is SICK and gets off on torturing him.


Who the hell! wants to be married to that?




Sadly I don't think OP will leave his wife, he has allowed this behavior to continue for god knows how long. He seems to be okay with having a wife who tortures him; and as to why he does not leave we can only wonder.


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