# How?



## BadgerGirl2002 (Feb 18, 2014)

How do WSs think about their OPs while with us? And text them how much they miss them and love them...while with us? 

Do they then think about US when with the OP? And text US that they miss us and love us and wish they were with US when they are with their OP? 

These are questions I want to ask my WH, but he's sleeping and I'm sitting on the couch in the dark crying instead. 

He used to text his "friend" right next to me and tell her that he loved her and wished he could be with her, and then wait till I was out of town and had himself a lil slumber party. But I'm wondering if he thought about ME that night at all.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

BadgerGirl2002 said:


> How do WSs think about their OPs while with us? And text them how much they miss them and love them...while with us?
> 
> Do they then think about US when with the OP? And text US that they miss us and love us and wish they were with US when they are with their OP?
> 
> ...


I think that most of the time the AP and anything to do with that person is an escape from everyday stuff. The BS happens to be the everyday stuff. That doesn't mean he doesn't feel guilt it just means they are trying not to think about the responsibilities they have.
It's an escape.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

BadgerGirl2002 said:


> How do WSs think about their OPs while with us? And text them how much they miss them and love them...while with us?
> 
> Do they then think about US when with the OP? And text US that they miss us and love us and wish they were with US when they are with their OP?
> 
> ...


The AP is an escape.. so the WS doesn't think of you at all, only to badmouth you and make excuses about why you deserve to be cheated on.. like "my spouse never loves me enough" .. meanwhile, the betrayed spouse is wondering why the pod person that used to be a loving partner is so cold. They are the one not being loved enough. He didn't think of you, if he did he wouldn't have done it. He thought of himself, what he wanted, and the justifications for why it was okay to give himself permission to do what he was about to do. Afterwards he probably felt a little bad, but then buried it deep down so it wouldn't make him sad. Any time it came up, he used excuses about why it was okay.. like you didn't buy him flowers or sing him love songs, so he solved that issue by sneaking and lying to you.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

dogman said:


> I think that most of the time the AP and anything to do with that person is an escape from everyday stuff. The BS happens to be the everyday stuff. That doesn't mean he doesn't feel guilt it just means they are trying not to think about the responsibilities they have.
> It's an escape.


It took an awfully long time to admit this was 100% me.


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## BadgerGirl2002 (Feb 18, 2014)

Regret214 said:


> It took an awfully long time to admit this was 100% me.



So then why not bring it up to your spouse? Why instead give yourself permission to be a POS and destroy lives? 

Just curious if YOU have the answers I need because all I can get are "I wasn't thinking". "I don't know". "I'm not doing it anymore". 

Seems like there should be a little more explanation for "I decided to throw away all your love and everything we built for a dirty, cheap, piece of A that won't last while simultaneously ruining your self-esteem and life".


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

If a spouse is cheating, they are getting things they need from 2 people instead of 1...usually one provides the passion, affection, attention, sex, the fire...the OTHER provides the security, stability, financial status, family...you can pretty much guess which one is the AP and why they get emailed and texted and the BS does not

if your spouse (im talking in general NO aimed directly at OP) is cheating, then YOU are the wallet, the financer, or the person who provides the home base...


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

BadgerGirl2002 said:


> So then why not bring it up to your spouse? Why instead give yourself permission to be a POS and destroy lives?
> 
> Just curious if YOU have the answers I need because all I can get are "I wasn't thinking". "I don't know". "I'm not doing it anymore".
> 
> Seems like there should be a little more explanation for "I decided to throw away all your love and everything we built for a dirty, cheap, piece of A that won't last while simultaneously ruining your self-esteem and life".


Honey, my husband knows everything now. You might want to read the back story of a poster before engaging the keyboard.

I don't have the answers for you. That's YOUR spouse's issue to answer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's the only one who knows what was going on in his head while he was cheating. The reason for cheating is pure selfishness. No, he wasn't thinking about you. Cheaters compartmentalize.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

When he is txting while sitting beside you, he is thinking, "I better get this sent fast, before she see it." If he is making love to her, he is thinking how great he feels, like "Wow, I haven't felt this in soooo long, she makes me feel wonderful." If he gets a txt from her when your in the same room, he gets excited and thinks, "Cant wait, gotta get away & read this," while gleaming eyes.... 

For the most part, unless it's strictly sex, It's all a falling in love feeling all over again.... the fog has been described as a really fun feeling, like one is "losing one is virginity" all over again, as one wise poster noted on another thread. 

-sammy


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Look up the term "Compartmentalize". Once you can understand this coping mechanism, that we all use to one degree or another, you can begin to understand the "how". Not "how" they could cheat, but how they could live their lives like nothing is wrong or different. 

I have discussed this at length with my WW and it took a long time to get a grasp of this concept but it seems she was truely able to separate her affair with the rest of her life, even when texting the OM with me in the room. She was sexually abused at a young age and seems to have learned this coping mechanism at a young age. What helped her survive mentally and emotionally when she was younger, helped her live a separate life during her affairs. I asked her if she ever thought about me while she was with the POSOM and she said no, she was able to just block it out AND she said she was able to block out thoughts of the OM while she was with me. 

Now you have to understand this is not a complete "block out", but close. Now I realize not every WS can do this or does do this but I would venture to guess most, if not all compartmentalize at some point during their affair.

I have studied this concept for a year and a half now and while I fully understand it in theory, it's still hard for me to wrap my mind around how my WW could use it so effectively. But I believe she did and once you understand this concept it does answer a lot of questions, they just might not be the answers you want or can understand.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Openminded said:


> *He's the only one who knows what was going on in his head while he was cheating. T*he reason for cheating is pure selfishness. No, he wasn't thinking about you. Cheaters compartmentalize.


Maybe not. See, if people knew what was going on in their own heads, it's probable they'd never cheated.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

For sure if they don't know then there's no hope we will ever know.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

Openminded said:


> He's the only one who knows what was going on in his head while he was cheating. The reason for cheating is pure selfishness. No, he wasn't thinking about you. Cheaters compartmentalize.


I Truly believe this....Many of you here know my story...
My WW engaged in sex acts with the OM that for 22 years ( in her words ..were SICK and Disgusting ) but she did them with him and he took pics of her engaged inn these acts and she let him...

I asked her the day before our D was final...basically How and WHY....she said he found a NEED i didnt know i had.. she really started crying and I then screamed at h er and said You FU#@*ng LIKED IT...answer me!!!

She said yes...as for the why she could not answer...but i think i got my answer.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

HarryDoyle said:


> Look up the term "Compartmentalize". Once you can understand this coping mechanism, that we all use to one degree or another, you can begin to understand the "how". Not "how" they could cheat, but how they could live their lives like nothing is wrong or different.


Exactly HD...

This is exactly where I ended up with my fWW when I caught her in an EAPA with an old BF. The truth leaked out over the next few weeks... she had been Serially cheating on me with multiple AP for almost 7 years. 

Like you said, the How? in the Physical acts, the lies that go hand in hand was pretty typical stuff... she craved the attention, the excitement, the return to youth, blah blah blah.

While the act bad enough, I too could just not wrap my head around the "how could live with yourself" your family, our marriage?

In MC she would put the bad things she had done in a little box and shove them way back in the "Closet". She literally could block them out... almost.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

BadgerGirl2002 said:


> How do WSs think about their OPs while with us? And text them how much they miss them and love them...while with us?
> 
> Do they then think about US when with the OP? And text US that they miss us and love us and wish they were with US when they are with their OP?
> 
> ...


The greatest and most unlikely R on TAM is B1 & EI. They were not only honest to each other but to themselves. Often you will see answers here where people are not being honest with themselves.

I see a lot of answer that tell how they were able to do it but none that answered the question.

You see instances where the WS with in the room with the BS yet having intimate thoughts of the AP. There are none where the WS is with the AP texting intimate thought of the BS.

In most cases this is what happens. Do not accept another answer. Once both of you understand this and work on it the faster and better your R will be if that is the way you want to go.


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