# Is it what it looks like or did I over react



## notrustnow (Apr 8, 2013)

Hello,

This is my first time ever looking for help this way.

History: My wife and I have been married for 4 yrs. We are both in our mid forty’s. We have been together for almost 8 yrs. We have no kids together. We both have been married once before and children from those previous marriages. I have two kid’s girl 9 and boy 21. She has one girl 21. We both work fulltime and I travel at least 2 weeks a month on biz. Prior to us getting together she was in a relationship with a guy who lived with his girlfriend in another state. My current wife and he were in their relationship for 3yrs. He knew her daughter. I was told how much he adored her. He basically lived with them when he traveled to our home state for months at a time. She will also go to stay in his state for weeks at a time. When MW and I got together we discussed our past relationships and both were comfortable with the information. We spent everyday together from the first day we meet. We discussed everything and both were in the mind set that we would never marry again after doing it the first time. Our love grew and we took down the walls of fearing being married again and took the plunge. 

Like every relationship there are ups and downs. There have been some eye openers that I didn’t make much of a big deal. Don’t want to bore you guys with all of the debate issues. All of us here can go on for days with stuff like that. After the first two yrs of marriage every time we will have verbal debates she will end it with maybe we should get a divorce. I never ever no matter how upset I got ever put the "D" word out there. Never felt any of our debates warranted that extreme. Just this past New Year Eve she ask me to leave. This type of behavior has been going on up to just three weeks ago. 

Present: Continuing to work on our marriage I had a biz trip to take that I invited her to come along. I always invited her on all my trips. She had weekends off. From time to time she will but most of the time she will decline. In October she decides to take a leave of absence from work to reinvent herself. She has been on her job for close to 20 yrs and doesn’t get along well with her boss. I have been supportive in her decision. Back to the biz trip she comes along for a few days. On the day she had to leave I drive her to bus station which was a five minute driver at best. Within that time she loses her phone. She calls me from another number to have me look in the car for the phone so that I can send it home. I look all over the car didn’t find the phone. Later that day she calls the hotel to take another look in the car and they find the phone. Upon my return the front desk returns the phone to me packaged. Two days later I decide to check to make sure it was the right phone and to my surprise there is some funky biz going on. Two weeks prior she took a planned trip to the town where her EB lives currently. She has family there so I didn’t take much into it. It was a little weird that when she was there I didn’t speak to her much. She didn’t even inform me of her return iteniery. When she got home from trip we have been talking much to a point where she tells me we are broken up because of one of our arguments. (There is a point to all this hold on). During the time from her trip away with family there is another trip planned that she never told me about. I received the hotel confirmation to my email and that’s how I find out. I asked her and she was acting like she didnt know what i was talking about. After a couple of days she tells me how she wants me to go on this trip. With my work schedule I had to decline. Back to find the cell phone. She had four new text messages. One from a guy that I don’t know or ever heard anything about. Second convo with her daughter, Third with cousin and fourth with aunt. After reading these text I find out that she had her daughter put up a post on face book that she was traveling to the Ex boyfriend town. For about a week prior to her leaving she continue to ask her daughter if the EB respond. She then asks for the EB phone number. Not sure if she got it but this really burns me up. Texts with new guy are morning text and explaining movements between the both of them. There were words like baby and babe being used. Cousin text consist of how pissed she was that the booking agent sent me the email about her trip that she never told me about. Text with aunt consists of that aunt suggesting that the cousin and MW take the hubbies. MW states she defiantly doesn’t want me to go. At the time reading all this info smoke is coming out of my ears. At that time I was ready for divorce now. I printed out all these text messages and read them over and over after returning the phone to MW. I started to calm down and think maybe she is not getting all she need for me. I started to pay extra attention to her needs. Still not letting her know I have this info. Then a week ago she starts her attitude again and tells me that I need to get my **** together. I lost it. I took all the prints gave them to her to read and packed up. Things got a little heated so I just left without my things. I must say I am very hurt from all this. I haven’t really spoken to her since because she went on her trip this past weekend with her family that I was surprised with in the first place. Could it really be she is looking for something else or maybe I over reacted? I feel that I can’t trust her now. I don’t know if she did anything but this just looks too strange. She claims I abandon her and the marriage and she doesn’t want it to end. Sorry for the book. Just wanted to give as much info as possible.
Thanks for any insight.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Wow no you didn't over react however why did you let her go. I mean it is obvious your wife is maneuvering behind your back. The fact that she has roped her daughter into the middle of everything stinks to. I think you need to start drawing your lines in the sand. I would also get divorce papers started. Even if you don't want to divorce the papers will go a long way to showing how serious you are. Your wife is cheating. You need to put a stop to it. You need to call your wife and tell her to come home. Tell her you know she is with the OM and that if she doesn't come home now the D papers will be the only thing waiting for her when she gets home. Refuse to be plan B. Do not tolerate her affair fog. You are going to war my friend. It isn't one you started. The worst thing you can do is work harder for your wife. You should act like your wife doesn't exist. You need to start acting like your wife is a stranger and you don't need her to survive.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

So at one time, before you got together with her, she was in a relationship with a guy who had a girlfriend? Strange indeed and a harbinger of things to come. 

Not only do I think that you didn't overreact - I think you've underplayed her activities for the last few months. It's highly likely she's had a full-flegged boyfriend for a while and has been meeting him for some time during her travels. He likely travels to see her too while you're out of town. 

Her accusation that you abandoned her is pure blameshifting, an attempt to justify herself. It also appears that she's shared her (negative) feelings about you and her marriage with her daughter and others in her family. 

Doesn't look good at all. Check the phone logs for the last few months. Check cc receipts too. Have a credit check run from one of the credit card checking companies and see if there is an unknown credit card in her name. Check your bank statements and see if she's withdrawn money from any shared acct. 

You should seek legal advice immediately. Be prepared to see the bank accts drained in the next little while unless you separate funds immediately. If you want to remain married to this woman, she's going to have to come clean. But I doubt that will happen. It appears she's done with the marriage - and has been preparing to exit and blame you for not getting your "sh!t together". Get it together with a lawyer.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sorry but it sounds like she and her XBF are still an item. Not only that, she has her family involved in covering up things

I would tell her that if she wanst the marriage to continue, there's one thing she needs to do:

1 - Take a polygraph - this is the only way you'll know what's been going on and for how long

After that, you get to decide (based on the results of the poly) what YOU want, not what she wants!

Good luck


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

It should look like your wife is being unfaithful because her hiding this from you surely is. Do you know their has been sex with her EX? Oh quite probably but is that the only boundary?

I mean you were ok with her giving up her job fo 20 years. How nice of you. So she could go find herself. Right. Wow. That sounds awesome. Why do'nt ypou stop travelling and find your self.

Anyway this secrecy / unfaithfulness would be a deal breaker for me. I mean seriously whose spouse takes off on secret trips?


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

notrustnow said:


> Could it really be she is looking for something else or maybe I over reacted? I feel that I can’t trust her now. I don’t know if she did anything but this just looks too strange. She claims I abandon her and the marriage and she doesn’t want it to end. Sorry for the book. Just wanted to give as much info as possible.
> Thanks for any insight.


Could it be she is looking? It sounds as if she has found.

I think deep down you know the answer and are blatantly ignoring all the evidence you have and all the red flags you have encountered. Listen to your instincts, that gut feeling, think with your brain, not with your heart.

Relax, give yourself time away to really understand what has happened. When the dust has settled you will think clear. Do not tolerate blame shifting, gas lighting, minimization of just friends because all this is really ONE BIG LIE. Why do spouses lie? They lie to continue cheating and indulging themselves without repercussions to their reputation, your trust, and their easy life of having good OLD PLAN B LIKE YOU.


1) determine how much more evidence you need to gather and see for yourself to believe that your wife has gone wayward

2) go back into your house and if anyone should leave it should be her, pack her stuff in trash bags and leave it in the lawn or drop it off at her aunts/cousins or your MIL house whatever you want

3) you know you're right, you know what you read, you know what you felt. Don't convince yourself otherwise, don't allow any minimization, ask for truth and nothing but the truth. TRICKLE truth is very popular. The woman you have been married to is able to change, falter and become corrupted, as all people are.

Now that you know this is there any other things you notice? Any change in behavior, sex frequency, other things? Check credit card statements etc


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Go see a lawyer asap prepare to file separate bank accts. and then confront her and her family with what you know.


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## notrustnow (Apr 8, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> So at one time, before you got together with her, she was in a relationship with a guy who had a girlfriend? Strange indeed and a harbinger of things to come.
> 
> Not only do I think that you didn't overreact - I think you've underplayed her activities for the last few months. It's highly likely she's had a full-flegged boyfriend for a while and has been meeting him for some time during her travels. He likely travels to see her too while you're out of town.
> 
> ...


walkonmars you are hit it home. the funny thing is we have nothing together really. No banks accounts, credit cards, cars, etc. How crazy is this that she never even changed her maiden name. Our marriage license has our married name but she never used it until about 6 months ago. Not at work, driver license, passport, etc.


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## notrustnow (Apr 8, 2013)

Toffer said:


> Sorry but it sounds like she and her XBF are still an item. Not only that, she has her family involved in covering up things
> 
> I would tell her that if she wanst the marriage to continue, there's one thing she needs to do:
> 
> ...


Thanks for advice. Because I don’t believe the stuff she says now.


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## notrustnow (Apr 8, 2013)

Entropy3000 said:


> It should look like your wife is being unfaithful because her hiding this from you surely is. Do you know their has been sex with her EX? Oh quite probably but is that the only boundary?
> 
> I mean you were ok with her giving up her job fo 20 years. How nice of you. So she could go find herself. Right. Wow. That sounds awesome. Why do'nt ypou stop travelling and find your self.
> 
> Anyway this secrecy / unfaithfulness would be a deal breaker for me. I means seriously whose spouse takes off on secret trips?


She felt she needs to change careers. But really didn’t do much for this until 1 month ago. For me to stop traveling I will be turning down biz and income.


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## notrustnow (Apr 8, 2013)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Could it be she is looking? It sounds as if she has found.
> 
> I think deep down you know the answer and are blatantly ignoring all the evidence you have and all the red flags you have encountered. Listen to your instincts, that gut feeling, think with your brain, not with your heart.
> 
> ...


Not much change in sex. We are still very active. What’s alarming is that she always claims that I am cheating. I haven’t been with any other women since her and I started. She is everything I ever wanted in a women. We have no credit cards together. She always felt she will have hers and I will have mind. Then about 6 months ago she wants us to get joining accounts on everything. I said no because she didn’t want to before why now. You right I should pack her up. Why am I the one out of our home? I didn’t bring this in it she did.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

Cheaters try to justify their bold actions by accusing their significant other of infidelity. Next it will be you're not meeting her emotional needs. Then, the relationship was already over "in her mind". She will work really, REALLY hard to tell others (and you) that the marriage was over long before she did what she did. For some reason, this is justification to have extra-marital relations in their sick, twisted, warped mind.

You are correct, she can sleep on the couch or leave YOUR home.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

notrustnow said:


> She felt she needs to change careers. But really didn’t do much for this until 1 month ago. For me to stop traveling I will be turning down biz and income.


So what? She stopped working. So your business and income are more important that being with a wife. Travelling half the time is rough on the best of marriages.

You are not the cause of her infidelity but you being gone has oput a huge strain on the marriage. Life is full of choices. She is making hers.

Her accusing you of cheating is part of her both projecting AND rationionalizing her unfaithfulness.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

notrustnow said:


> ...Then about 6 months ago she wants us to get joining accounts on everything. ...


Maybe I'm just too jaded, but it's possible she wanted an option to clean out your account as she made her getaway. Sort of a "final payment" from you for the "pain" (in her mind) you caused her. Don't trust this woman. 

If you're going to split then start the 180. (click on the link at the bottom of this post if you don't know it - it's intended to help you become a bit stronger for yourself and to detach from her)


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## notrustnow (Apr 8, 2013)

badbane said:


> Wow no you didn't over react however why did you let her go. I mean it is obvious your wife is maneuvering behind your back. The fact that she has roped her daughter into the middle of everything stinks to. I think you need to start drawing your lines in the sand. I would also get divorce papers started. Even if you don't want to divorce the papers will go a long way to showing how serious you are. Your wife is cheating. You need to put a stop to it. You need to call your wife and tell her to come home. Tell her you know she is with the OM and that if she doesn't come home now the D papers will be the only thing waiting for her when she gets home. Refuse to be plan B. Do not tolerate her affair fog. You are going to war my friend. It isn't one you started. The worst thing you can do is work harder for your wife. You should act like your wife doesn't exist. You need to start acting like your wife is a stranger and you don't need her to survive.


I feel the same way about involving her daughter. I have been raising that little girl (now she is a woman) for the past 8 yrs. That part really hurt. That is the biggest slap in the face. I text her about that and she doesn't see that's a big deal. She says that I know the daughter loves me it isn't anything to worry about.


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## notrustnow (Apr 8, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Maybe I'm just too jaded, but it's possible she wanted an option to clean out your account as she made her getaway. Sort of a "final payment" from you for the "pain" (in her mind) you caused her. Don't trust this woman.
> 
> If you're going to split then start the 180. (click on the link at the bottom of this post if you don't know it - it's intended to help you become a bit stronger for yourself and to detach from her)


Thanks. I will review the 180


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## notrustnow (Apr 8, 2013)

Entropy3000 said:


> So what? She stopped working. So your business and income are more important that being with a wife. Travelling half the time is rough on the best of marriages.
> 
> You are not the cause of her infidelity but you being gone has oput a huge strain on the marriage. Life is full of choices. She is making hers.
> 
> Her accusing you of cheating is part of her both projecting AND rationionalizing her unfaithfulness.


You may be right. But, we did discuss my travel over and over again. She has been home and she is able to come along. Even when she was working she was off on weekends and still never really wants to come along. I do invite her to attend. She feels that since she may have been to that city she doesn’t want to go. I will ask her to be honest about my travel. It sucks because when we meet she knew I traveled for work. Biz got better and more demanding but when we discussed it she will tell me she didn’t have a problem.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This does not look good. She either is cheating or is perhaps considering her options.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

notrustnow said:


> You may be right. But, we did discuss my travel over and over again. She has been home and she is able to come along. Even when she was working she was off on weekends and still never really wants to come along. I do invite her to attend. She feels that since she may have been to that city she doesn’t want to go. I will ask her to be honest about my travel. It sucks because when we meet she knew I traveled for work. Biz got better and more demanding but when we discussed it she will tell me she didn’t have a problem.



Some cheaters like bargaining chips in their bag so that if you ever wanted to come along it could come up as "I never go along on your trips because I wouldn't want you to come along mine..." etc etc

It seems as though you are the type of person who has everything he wants in a woman and has no problem avoiding going wayward on trips. Its only weekends right?


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

notrustnow said:


> I feel the same way about involving her daughter. I have been raising that little girl (now she is a woman) for the past 8 yrs. That part really hurt. That is the biggest slap in the face. I text her about that and she doesn't see that's a big deal. She says that I know the daughter loves me it isn't anything to worry about.


Blood unfortunately is always thicker than water. You may have raised her, but if her mama's attitude towards marriage i.e not changing name etc then daughter is probably the same. You're her step-dad, not her dad.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

notrustnow said:


> walkonmars you are hit it home. the funny thing is we have nothing together really. No banks accounts, credit cards, cars, etc. How crazy is this that she never even changed her maiden name. Our marriage license has our married name but she never used it until about 6 months ago. Not at work, driver license, passport, etc.


 She asked to have joint accounts just before she took leave from her job of 20 years because, with no income from her, she wanted to have access to your money. She took the leave from her job so that she could ask for alimony in a divorce; she would negotiate for one lump payment as if she was a stay at home wife, and then start working again with this lump payment in her account. Bottom line, you are being set up.


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## notrustnow (Apr 8, 2013)

BobSimmons said:


> Blood unfortunately is always thicker than water. You may have raised her, but if her mama's attitude towards marriage i.e not changing name etc then daughter is probably the same. You're her step-dad, not her dad.


Good point.


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## notrustnow (Apr 8, 2013)

TRy said:


> She asked to have joint accounts just before she took leave from her job of 20 years because, with no income from her, she wanted to have access to your money. She took the leave from her job so that she could ask for alimony in a divorce; she would negotiate for one lump payment as if she was a stay at home wife, and then start working again with this lump payment in her account. Bottom line, you are being set up.


Wow. I never looked at it that way. Great response.


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## notrustnow (Apr 8, 2013)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Some cheaters like bargaining chips in their bag so that if you ever wanted to come along it could come up as "I never go along on your trips because I wouldn't want you to come along mine..." etc etc
> 
> It seems as though you are the type of person who has everything he wants in a woman and has no problem avoiding going wayward on trips. Its only weekends right?


Some of my trips are a week long up to a month. On her weekends off I will offer her to come along. It’s sad because she is trying to tell me I didn't read her text right. Aunt suggests for leisure trip go with husbands and MW says she is defiantly not. How else to read that but she doesn’t want me to go.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

TRy said:


> She asked to have joint accounts just before she took leave from her job of 20 years because, with no income from her, she wanted to have access to your money. She took the leave from her job so that she could ask for alimony in a divorce; she would negotiate for one lump payment as if she was a stay at home wife, and then start working again with this lump payment in her account. Bottom line, you are being set up.


OP, I agree with TRy. I hope I am wrong and wish you the very best. 


Good Luck
WD


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

notrustnow said:


> Wow. I never looked at it that way. Great response.


YEa you need to start combing through email, text messages, and anything else you can find. If she is setting this up then you can show that she intentionally quit her job to set you up. It would really hurt her case for alimony. I think you also need to start looking back at things in general. Try to remember a time when you turned a blind eye to something. I would strongly recommend calling your WS now and telling her to come home. The more time she is with the OM the worse it will be.


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## notrustnow (Apr 8, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> This does not look good. She either is cheating or is perhaps considering her options.


This so hard to swollow. My heart is deeply hurt.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> Originally Posted by TRy View Post
> She asked to have joint accounts just before she took leave from her job of 20 years because, with no income from her, she wanted to have access to your money. She took the leave from her job so that she could ask for alimony in a divorce; she would negotiate for one lump payment as if she was a stay at home wife, and then start working again with this lump payment in her account. Bottom line, you are being set up.


File for divorce and if you decide to stay together after and work it out for whatever reason then that's your choice, But PROTECT your money first. Lawyer up and tell her to get her a$$ back to work.


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