# "My Girls Come First"



## FlyBoyJ (Mar 13, 2018)

I've been married to my wife almost a year now, and we've been together for almost 8. I have always felt for some time that I am low man on the totem pole. Her list of priorities are as follows:

1. Youngest Daughter (19)
HUGE Gap Here
2. Father
3. Oldest Daughter (22)
4. Mom
Another Big Gap
5. Me

I've always thought, a wife and/or husband was supposed to put their spouse first (something about forsaking all others lol). I have always sat back and watched a VERY UNHEALTHY obsession by my wife with respect to her younger daughter. She dotes on her, gives her everything she wants, lets her decide where we eat, what we watch, etc. Without boring you with all the details, the younger daughter left home to move in with her boyfriend a few months ago citing that her mom was "way too controlling" and I quote, "psycho". Frankly, the last few months with my step daughter out of the house has been the best months of our entire relationship. My wife actually paid attention to ME for a change!! However, come to find out, my wife is texting her youngest daughter at least 20 times a day BEGGING her to move back home.

I called my wife on it and said it's not a healthy relationship to be so obsessed with her daughter and she should cool it and focus on being a wife for a change. Uh oh! I got BLASTED and told in no uncertain terms that "my girls will ALWAYS come first!"

Am I wrong to be upset over that comment? I'm not trying to tell her to cut ties with her daughter, but just act like a normal parent of an ADULT and not obsess over her! Honestly, no lie, when her daughter calls on the phone or texts when we are having sex, she actually stops and answers it!!!


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Huge mistake she's making. The marital relationship has to come first, even above the parent/child relationship. If not, it's doomed to failure...or somebody starts cheating.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

It will all come back to haunt her. After my daughter graduated from college, she told us she was going to move away to a bigger city to get her fiancé away from his family because they were too controlling. The whole time my ex was trying to cajole her to move home and get a job locally to save for her marriage. I was unaware of this for the most part. Later after my ex decided to dump me I found out my daughter's fiancé had told his parent the same thing. I had moved closer to them and he told me that they both agreed if it had to be anybody to move closer they were glad it was me, because they both lied to their parents in order to get away from them. More recently my daughter told me her mother was crazy. She was too controlling and "high schoolish"
Your wife is making a huge mistake. Aside from not placing you ahead of all others, she doesn't seem to understand that being a parent involves letting your children become their own person. That is after all what a parent should be hoping for if they are really doing their job as a parent.


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## FlyBoyJ (Mar 13, 2018)

Ynot, I honestly think you nailed the crux of the problem. My wife seems to derive her "self worth" from her kids, and weirdly particularly from the youngest one. She dated her ex-husband in high school and college, married him young and was 'convinced' by him to drop out of school and not work. He's a control freak who wanted her to be the proverbial barefoot and pregnant SAHM.

So now she finds herself at a time when she should be letting her 'kids' grown from children into adults, but I honestly think she fears them being independent. Her older daughter is away at college (frankly in my opinion wayyyy too close to home). My wife texts her constantly, tracks her constantly on 'find my friends' and begs her to come home every weekend. Mind you the girl is 22, and when I was that age and in college, I only went home for vacations, and then couldn't wait to get back to campus. When I verbalize that, i'm told by my wife, "girls are different and you just don't understand".

Don't even get me started on the younger one. My wife IDOLIZES this girl. This girl is a liar, sneaky, manipulative, a slob, lazy and honestly one of the most stupid people I have ever know. Yet, my wife always speaks of her in glowing language about how sweet, caring and wonderful she is. My wife has this bizarre guilt complex about her, from what i don't know, but feels compelled to dote on, spoil and basically live our life around her. Even my in-laws comment how over the top my wife is about this child.

It really seems that since my wife has no career, no college degree and frankly no activities that haven't centered around her kids she fear them growing independent and smothers them to try and keep them 'young'. In all honestly she treats the 19 yr old (her favorite) as if she's 5. When I suggest that now that the kids are adults, it's time to focus on me and our marriage, she snaps at me, "you don't get it...I'm a mom and that's what mom's do forever."


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

She's wrong as can be, but you are also wrong for tolerating it. Nothing will change as long as you do, and complaining to her will only make her worse because she will resent you for complaining about her misguided motto. Sometimes, you have to be willing to give up your marriage in order to save your marriage. If you left or at least made her think you are leaving (not with ultimatums though), then you will either see her straighten up really fast or she will tell you goodbye. I mean, stopping sex to answer the phone is ridiculous. But I find that a lot of step parents have your same complaint. It doesn't occur nearly as often in marriages where the both the adults are the parents to the kids, as in intact families are referred to.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

FlyBoyJ said:


> "you don't get it...I'm a mom and that's what mom's do forever."


Not true.


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## FlyBoyJ (Mar 13, 2018)

StarFires, its interesting you mentioned the step parent thing. I have always felt as if my wife looks at "us" as a family as two distinct groups. There's me and then there's she and her girls. She refers to us as a 'family' but it seems to only mean that I am supposed to support and pay for anything 'her girls' want, but have no opinion or voice. She's always using such terms as "me and my girls". She wants me to be a Dad to them, but in her mind that means just parroting what she says. Whenever my opinion differs, I'm told to "shut up" and "be a parent". I say I am being a parent but since my parenting views happen to differ in that particular situation, my "parenting" is wrong.

I've also felt the separate group thing with respect to my parents. My birth daughter (12) is supposed to treat my wife's parents as grandparents, but her "girls" call my parents by their first name and act as if they are just family friends. My wife always accuses my mom of favoring my daughter over "her girls". A completely false accusation.

My wife seems to have a giant chip on her shoulder and complains that "her girls" have such a tough life. Yeah right! They live in a nice house in an upscale community, have iPhones, high speed internet, full television, all the bells and whistles, cars and the list goes on and on. Who paid for all those things? Not their Dad, not their Mom, not their Grandparents, but ME and MY parents!


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

FlyBoyJ said:


> Honestly, no lie, when her daughter calls on the phone or texts when we are having sex, she actually stops and answers it!!!


She would do that **** just one time to me, just once.

As for the rest of your posts, sounds like you already have the answer, so now what are you going to do about it?

Based off your posts, you are just supposed to keep paying and STFU.

And for the record, I do have a stepchild, and he's treated just like the other 2 boys. All are treated equally.


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

FlyBoyJ said:


> Don't even get me started on the younger one. My wife IDOLIZES this girl. This girl is a liar, sneaky, manipulative, a slob, lazy and honestly one of the most stupid people I have ever know. Yet, my wife always speaks of her in glowing language about how sweet, caring and wonderful she is. My wife has this bizarre guilt complex about her, from what i don't know, but feels compelled to dote on, spoil and basically live our life around her. Even my in-laws comment how over the top my wife is about this child.


Your wife is emotionally a child. Arrested character development. It doesn't have to do with being a stay-at-home mom. Millions of stay-at-home moms are amazing woman and frankly there is nothing more important than raising the next generation of humans to be mature, competent adults instead of basket cases like her youngest child.

I think you have something there with the guilt complex. She failed her daughter on something extremely important when she was younger. She is hoping that being a bad parent now will make up for being an even worse parent before.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I once went out with a woman. She had asked me what defines me. I told her a few things about myself. Then I asked her the same. She told me was a mother, that being a mother defines her. I asked how old her child was. She told me her son is 28 and lives with her. She hopes that he will get a job this year. I never called her back.
I raised a son and a daughter. Both of them were taught to be independent, self sufficient adults, capable of making their own decisions and each has become their own person.
That woman made me sick to think of what she has done to her poor son. 
My daughter suffered from depression when she was younger. Her mom blamed it on me. Later I found out, my daughter's depression arose from the deep seated feeling that she didn't matter. Because her mother invalidated her feelings, just as had invalidated my own. If my daughter had a problem that bothered her. My ex told her "that's just stupid!" If she objected, she was told, "It didn't matter, because I said so!". Then I realized where my own depression came from.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

FlyBoyJ said:


> Honestly, no lie, when her daughter calls on the phone or texts when we are having sex, she actually stops and answers it!!!


Sounds like she is so not into you.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

FlyBoyJ said:


> my girls will ALWAYS come first!"


Her statement is so not true....it is HER who will ALWAYS come first. Her motherhood is her method of meeting HER OWN desires of life. It is an extremely selfish stance which is very harmful to the children. Mothers are supposed to be here for their children, not the children for the mother.

This will never be different. She will not change, especially to meet your needs. You are absolutely correct when you view yourself as a meal ticket. That is the ONLY reason she has you. You are, and always have been, an OBJECT to her, and will always be last on her "list". She married you so you could PAY, she recognizes that she is in hot financial water without SOMEONE to pay. That pay-person can be anyone, because her desire for that person ends at the paycheck. So, because of her heart-attitude, she will deliver the absolute minimum necessary to keep you in position serving her.

You need to believe her when she tells you -



FlyBoyJ said:


> "you don't get it...I'm a mom and that's what mom's do forever."


You're only a year invested, and if I read correctly, you have two kids who are adults.

Do yourself a big favor and haul ass outa there. Go get yourself a good lawyer.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I can't believe you financially support these "girls", yet she calls them HER girls. 

I'd find this whole situation intolerable. You are being used huge, financially. Huge.

Unfortunately, my only advice seems to be GTFO.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Ynot said:


> I once went out with a woman. She had asked me what defines me. I told her a few things about myself. Then I asked her the same. She told me was a mother, that being a mother defines her. I asked how old her child was. She told me her son is 28 and lives with her. She hopes that he will get a job this year. I never called her back.
> I raised a son and a daughter. Both of them were taught to be independent, self sufficient adults, capable of making their own decisions and each has become their own person.
> That woman made me sick to think of what she has done to her poor son.


Ugh. I think it is selfish to define yourself by your children. You job as a parent is to help them fly, not lean on you forever.



> My daughter suffered from depression when she was younger. Her mom blamed it on me. Later I found out, my daughter's depression arose from the deep seated feeling that she didn't matter. Because her mother invalidated her feelings, just as had invalidated my own. If my daughter had a problem that bothered her. My ex told her "that's just stupid!" If she objected, she was told, "It didn't matter, because I said so!". Then I realized where my own depression came from.


 Your ex sounds like a lovely woman. Not.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

FlyBoyJ said:


> 1. Youngest Daughter (19)
> HUGE Gap Here
> 2. Father
> 3. Oldest Daughter (22)
> ...


How does it feel to be at the bottom? Pretty crappy, huh? 

Realize that you have no control over your wife, only yourself. Without some major changes on her part, you will forever be at the bottom. You have been together for a while and you know her, do you see her making a change?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

FlyBoyJ said:


> I've been married to my wife almost a year now, and we've been together for almost 8. I have always felt for some time that I am low man on the totem pole. Her list of priorities are as follows:
> 
> 1. Youngest Daughter (19)
> HUGE Gap Here
> ...


I guess I would have to seriously question your judgment and self esteem to have even considered a serious relationship with this unhinged woman, much less marrying her.

I would throw my pole back in the pond if I were you. There are actually some very nice women out there that would love to have a good man.

Your youngest stepdaughter was smart enough to get out of Dodge. Maybe you should follow her lead?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

FlyBoyJ said:


> "you don't get it...I'm a mom and that's what mom's do forever."


I'm a Mom. That's nuts. She has told you where you stand. Listen to her. (And get away from enabling her disabling her children.)


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Wow. Wait til the grand kids come along. Her kids are grown. She should be doing you and her stuff. SHe should be finding friends and hobbies that she enjoys.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Inloveforeverwithhubby said:


> Wow. Wait til the grand kids come along. Her kids are grown. She should be doing you and her stuff. SHe should be finding friends and hobbies that she enjoys.


I have seen this as well. I feel so bad for my BIL. He is about 3 years from retirement. They bough a huge house outside of DC. He commutes over an hour to work everyday and typically puts in overtime. In the meantime, my sister took an early retirement once her daughters had babies. Now she spends about 4-5 days a week in Richmond (about two hours away) in Richmond to babysit her grandchildren. They used to be a fun couple to go do stuff with. Now she identifies as a grandmother. All she ever talks about is her grandchildren. She spends more than my BIL makes on things for them.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I think far too many people have bought into the modern concept of a 22, 25, even 27 year old, being still a child. Far too many, particularly mothers, seem to think that's not just normal and acceptable, but an actual righteous goal - the ideal. It's a bit crazy, if you really think about it. When my son moves out to college in a few months, the plan is that he will never again move home permanently. I hope he knows he can come home if he ever really _needs_ to, but I sincerely hope I've raised him to be someone who won't ever _want_ to. Because I always considered that my job as a mother was to raise a functional, emotionally healthy, contributing, independent, adult. 

OP, please be aware that not every woman is like your wife. Not every woman with children is interested in a slavish devotion to motherhood lasting well into the twenties (or beyond) of her children. You just happen to have gotten into a relationship with someone who is clearly - frankly and forthrightly - committed to putting her grown children above all else. The real question, I think, is why you were okay with this situation for so long when dating, and then thought it would be a great idea to marry someone who has been clear she puts you last. What is it about you that has tolerated, enabled, this for nearly 8 years? You married this woman knowing this about her. Why? And, now that you see this isn't going to change, what are you planning to do about it?


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

You're way down there on her pecking order. That tells you how much respect she has for you. This is a timely thread. I've just been discussing human nature and pecking orders that 100% of human beings set and participate in with all their relationships and along comes this to support it.

One of my favorite old sayings that has stuck with me in life, because of how true it is, is that people will treat you as good as you demand and as bad as you allow.

You're allowing her to treat you bad and not demanding that she treat you better so you get what you get. If you want that to change it can, but you have to take action, set boundaries, and enforce them.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I know your wife, except the version of her I know is older. One of my coworkers had the misfortune t marry her daughter. I'm friendly with some of her daughters and at least one other son in law. Her husband has widowed her and is now the only man in her life to get any rest or peace. She has ruled the extended family like a demented puppet master. Dictating all holidays and vacations. some of her daughters are following the pattern. She has wrecked marriages, destroyed lives, and in general alienated every man in the family. All to keep her Daughters close forever.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

You can always find another wife. A lot harder to find new daughters . Also, your wife consented to marriage. The children, I kinda doubt it.


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## FlyBoyJ (Mar 13, 2018)

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I really appreciate it!

I'm really depressed about this. As was stated above, yes, my wife most definitely defines herself by being a mom. With respect to the older one going away to college, sadly she's close enough to home to come home every weekend. My wife begs and begs her every weekend to come home. And we've have the discussion about once kids leave the nest going off to college, that you really shouldn't want them ever moving back home full time. OMG did I catch hell for that one! I was told in no uncertain terms that "her girls" will ALWAYS be welcome in "her home" and she fully expects them to live at home until the get a good career. In her mind I honestly believe she thinks that's like age 30.

It's so unhealthy! Especially, as I have outlined above, her relationship with the younger daughter. My wife honestly treats this girl like she's 5! She's 19!!!

To answer the questions about why I would even marry this woman, the honest answer is I am, well was attracted to her very much (not so sure anymore). She can be sweet, caring and kind, and has been great with my 12 yr old daughter (previous marriage). When we first started dating, while I did notice she was definitely obsessed with the younger daughter, but for the majority of the time, we had a seemingly normal relationship. It's like the last year, my wife has gone off the deep end for these kids! She's constantly texting, calling, tracking them. Wants the younger one to come on dates with us, and even invites her to sleep in our bed!!! It's SICK! But god forbid if I say anything, I incur the wrath of a wild woman.

So this past weekend, we had a family trip away, and the stupid younger daughter (who moved out in November because her mom is too controlling) actually came along. I honestly believe that my wife thought that it was her opportunity to convince stupid to move back home. She doted on this kid, buying her clothes, letting her pick where we eat, what we do. Every five seconds my wife was hugging and kissing this "kid" and telling her "i love you", and "I miss you" and "please come home." When we returned, the kid went back to her boyfriends. I could tell my wife was going crazy that her little plan failed. Well, guess who's getting the blame for her not coming back home? That's right, me! My wife said it's because I don't hug on her and tell her I love her and that I make her feel uncomfortable. So for the last 3 days now I've been subject to the ranting and ravings of what honestly seems like a manic meltdown. I honestly don't know who this woman is. She's insulting me, calling me names, attacking me, making baseless accusations. At work, I've honestly had to block her as I'm getting my phone blown up by pages and pages of lengthy texts telling me how Ive caused her daughter to leave.

I'm literally so depressed. I'm not sleeping, not eating, afraid to come home. It's not healthy for me. Sadly as several people here have pointed out, I don't think she will ever change.

I honestly am getting sick to my stomach thinking about uprooting my life and divorcing, but I am feeling like my sanity will be sacrificed if I don't.....


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The big question is why are you still in this ?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FlyBoyJ said:


> Thanks for the feedback everyone. I really appreciate it!
> 
> I'm really depressed about this. As was stated above, yes, my wife most definitely defines herself by being a mom. With respect to the older one going away to college, sadly she's close enough to home to come home every weekend. My wife begs and begs her every weekend to come home. And we've have the discussion about once kids leave the nest going off to college, that you really shouldn't want them ever moving back home full time. OMG did I catch hell for that one! I was told in no uncertain terms that "her girls" will ALWAYS be welcome in "her home" and she fully expects them to live at home until the get a good career. In her mind I honestly believe she thinks that's like age 30.
> 
> ...


What? She's having a 19 year old girl sleep in your bed with the two of you? Is the girl sleeping on the outside by your wife or between you and your wife? Either way, this is way out of line.

It sounds to me like your wife is panicking about the empty nest syndrome which is crashing down on your wife.

If you want to try to save the relationship you might want to try to completely destabilize things... tell your wife that you are filing for divorce if she will not work with you on the relationship. That her children are grown and gone now to live their own lives. And this is the one chance you are giving her to save her marriage and build a new relationship with her.

Then hand her the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Tell her that the two of you need to read them and do the work.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

VermiciousKnid said:


> One of my favorite old sayings that has stuck with me in life, because of how true it is, is that people will treat you as good as you demand and as bad as you allow.QUOTE]
> 
> You do realize that a battered spouse may take this advice to heart and end up dead because they "demanded" something .
> 
> Demanding to drink the last of the milk in the fridge could end up in a beating. Or death.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Those daughters will be divorced in their life. If they are raised as "princesses", when they get married, no man will ever be able to keep the "happy". They will either cheat on their husbands or drive their H's crazy.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Trying to garner some sympathy for you, OP, but finding it difficult to do so. It's your fault for marrying someone who values you so little, who doesn't put you first. It's understandable if the children are young and from a previous marriage but they're past 18 now, so it's your turn, AT THE VERY LEAST. You're at a crossroad now: either wrestle that pair of pants from her or continue to be a depressed doormat. If she finds another man who is not a Mr. Nice Guy who won't put up with her controlling ways, guess who she will respect more? Have a come to Jesus talk with her. You have to be willing to lose your marriage to find it. Notice I used the word "find" instead of "save" because this current marriage is not worth saving. You gotta find a better marriage with or without her. 

I hope you take the advice but I somehow doubt you will. Stay in this marriage long enough and you'll be looking at alimony. Good luck!


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Rowan said:


> I think far too many people have bought into the modern concept of a 22, 25, even 27 year old, being still a child. Far too many, particularly mothers, seem to think that's not just normal and acceptable, but an actual righteous goal - the ideal. It's a bit crazy, if you really think about it. When my son moves out to college in a few months, the plan is that he will never again move home permanently. I hope he knows he can come home if he ever really _needs_ to, but I sincerely hope I've raised him to be someone who won't ever _want_ to. Because I always considered that my job as a mother was to raise a functional, emotionally healthy, contributing, independent, adult.
> 
> OP, please be aware that not every woman is like your wife. Not every woman with children is interested in a slavish devotion to motherhood lasting well into the twenties (or beyond) of her children. You just happen to have gotten into a relationship with someone who is clearly - frankly and forthrightly - committed to putting her grown children above all else. The real question, I think, is why you were okay with this situation for so long when dating, and then thought it would be a great idea to marry someone who has been clear she puts you last. What is it about you that has tolerated, enabled, this for nearly 8 years? You married this woman knowing this about her. Why? And, now that you see this isn't going to change, what are you planning to do about it?


As a man, I have never had that life growing inside of me. So in many ways while I like the sentiment, I truly cannot understand it. While I am very proud of my daughter and would do more than die for her - I would kill for her, I still do not and never will share the bond of having had them inside of me. But as a father, the only thing I ever wanted for my children - my own or step - was happiness. As an adult, I feel that much of that happiness comes from being your self. So raising a child to be an independent, self sufficient, adult was always the end game for me.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Ynot said:


> As a man, I have never had that life growing inside of me. So in many ways while I like the sentiment, I truly cannot understand it. While I am very proud of my daughter and would do more than die for her - I would kill for her, I still do not and never will share the bond of having had them inside of me. But as a father, the only thing I ever wanted for my children - my own or step - was happiness. As an adult, I feel that much of that happiness comes from being your self. So raising a child to be an independent, self sufficient, adult was always the end game for me.


There is nothing about having the child grow inside you that is inconsistent with that goal. I am in 500% accord with this notion.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

FlyBoyJ said:


> I've been married to my wife almost a year now, and we've been together for almost 8. I have always felt for some time that I am low man on the totem pole. Her list of priorities are as follows:
> 
> 1. Youngest Daughter (19)
> HUGE Gap Here
> ...


Forsaking all others is part of the marital vow, and pertains to that moment in time when you die as a single person and are resurrected as a married person. "All others" refers to all other potential suitors.

Having said that, when a couple has children, the children DO come first. Always. The two of you intentionally created life form that are incapable of taking care of themselves for approximately 18 years. This means you are wholly responsible for their physical, mental, spiritual and emotional well-being, above your own. Deal with it.

The only issues I have with her list is that her own parents come before you do. THe youngest child coming first is often a result of that child, being youngest, having the highest needs. Hopefully this subsides over time. My current GF has two, who are 14 and 17, and for all practical purposes, all she gives them is ethical guidance. They do their own laundry, get themselves to school and to their respective dad's homes, etc.

DD


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

DustyDog said:


> Forsaking all others is part of the marital vow, and pertains to that moment in time when you die as a single person and are resurrected as a married person. "All others" refers to all other potential suitors.
> 
> Having said that, when a couple has children, the children DO come first. Always. The two of you intentionally created life form that are incapable of taking care of themselves for approximately 18 years. This means you are wholly responsible for their physical, mental, spiritual and emotional well-being, above your own. Deal with it.
> 
> ...



The OP's step-children are *19* and *22*. Not theirs. And not young. In fact, not even living at home anymore. There is zero excuse for his wife going off on this manic and increasingly unhinged quest to keep her "babies" at home. 


In fact, OP, with regards to what you're wife is doing, it honestly is starting to sound like she's having some sort of mental break. The constant ranting, flying off the handle, behaving inappropriately, blowing up your phone all day at the office. None of that is normal. She's unstable. If she's always been unstable, well, then it's your choice whether or not you want to continue to deal with it. But if this level of instability is new, it might be worth investigating as a health and/or mental health issue. Maybe call her doctor. If a usually balanced person is suddenly off the rails, that's potentially a serious health concern.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

You say you have a 12 year old daughter from a previous marriage? You say that your current wife is "great" with her yet she is held to a different standard than her own ADULT offspring, down to the way that they interact with grandparents. What does YOUR daughter think of this situation? Is he old enough to understand? It's not all about you here.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

This woman is obviously struggling with empty nest happening to her, when she built her whole identity around being a mother. She's lost, and is fighting the departure of the daughters with all of her might. We can't blame you for not noticing it earlier, because the situation wouldn't have revealed itself till these young women went off to college.

Instead of encouraging and helping them to grow up into independence, their mom is actively damaging their development into adulthood. Seems like the girls are wise enough to realize it, though if you ever talk to them one-on-one, you might want to comment that you are observing their mother is having a hard time letting go, and would they like you to help do anything about it?

Your wife needs counselling to learn to let go. Otherwise, as soon as these daughters have their own children, her whole identity is going to become being a grandmother.

It's not her choice of priorities, I don't think, so much as it is her denial of her motherhood role ending. She sees you as a partner who is also supposed to be invested in her priorities, ie, motherhood, but not as one of the priorities yourself.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> I've been married to my wife almost a year now, and we've been together for almost 8.


 @FlyBoyJ, What was dating her like? Who supported her and her daughters when she was neither married to you or her baby daddy?

Also, I'm curious as well about your wife's relationships with the people you brought to the marriage, like your daughter and your parents.


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## FlyBoyJ (Mar 13, 2018)

So here's another example of how over the top my wife is with respect to "her girls". This just happened. Our house phone rings and goes to the answering machine and no message is left. Now mind you the only calls we get on that phone are telemarketers. Immediately my wife texts both of "her girls" asking them, "did you just call? Are you okay?" Tell me that isn't obsessive and nowhere close to normal? I say to her, "really, the phone rings and you assume it's one of them?". She snaps back, "don't worry about it, it's not your concern. I'm a mom and it's my job to check on them and make sure they are okay." I'm sorry, I honestly think her behavior has crossed such an unhealthy obsession line.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

DustyDog said:


> Forsaking all others is part of the marital vow, and pertains to that moment in time when you die as a single person and are resurrected as a married person. "All others" refers to all other potential suitors.
> 
> Having said that, when a couple has children, the children DO come first. Always. The two of you intentionally created life form that are incapable of taking care of themselves for approximately 18 years. This means you are wholly responsible for their physical, mental, spiritual and emotional well-being, above your own. Deal with it.
> 
> ...


I disagree


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

FlyBoyJ said:


> So here's another example of how over the top my wife is with respect to "her girls". This just happened. Our house phone rings and goes to the answering machine and no message is left. Now mind you the only calls we get on that phone are telemarketers. Immediately my wife texts both of "her girls" asking them, "did you just call? Are you okay?" Tell me that isn't obsessive and nowhere close to normal? I say to her, "really, the phone rings and you assume it's one of them?". She snaps back, "don't worry about it, it's not your concern. I'm a mom and it's my job to check on them and make sure they are okay." I'm sorry, I honestly think her behavior has crossed such an unhealthy obsession line.


The problem is not that her kids are “first”....
It’s that you are last. You and her kids should hold equal status.

Your wife doesn’t value you, apparently.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

FlyBoyJ said:


> So here's another example of how over the top my wife is with respect to "her girls". This just happened. Our house phone rings and goes to the answering machine and no message is left. Now mind you the only calls we get on that phone are telemarketers. Immediately my wife texts both of "her girls" asking them, "did you just call? Are you okay?" Tell me that isn't obsessive and nowhere close to normal? I say to her, "really, the phone rings and you assume it's one of them?". She snaps back, "don't worry about it, it's not your concern. I'm a mom and it's my job to check on them and make sure they are okay." I'm sorry, I honestly think her behavior has crossed such an unhealthy obsession line.



Borders BSC territory if you ask me, but that's just my opinion. 

Run for the hills, man!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

FlyBoyJ said:


> I say to her, "really, the phone rings and you assume it's one of them?". She snaps back, "don't worry about it, it's not your concern. I'm a mom and it's my job to check on them and make sure they are okay." I'm sorry, I honestly think her behavior has crossed such an unhealthy obsession line.


Well, yeah. Her behavior is way over the top. But you are doing nothing more than complaining about it. You've made it clear in your posts that she's way too involved with her children. We get it. We don't need more information to form the opinion we have.

So what about you????? You are the one posting here. What are you going to do about this? You try to bring it up and she goes ballistic. So what? Is she going to pull a knife or a gun on you? Give you the silent treatment for a month? Maybe (hopefully!) leave?

C'mon, man ... life is too damn short for this type of nonsense. Grow a pair and tell her how it's going to be. Set a boundary. Don't budge on it. Then if she goes bonkers, tell her to file for divorce. SERIOUSLY.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

VermiciousKnid said:


> Huge mistake she's making. The marital relationship has to come first, even above the parent/child relationship. If not, it's doomed to failure...or somebody starts cheating.


:|

I dunno, my daughter comes first no matter who I end up with.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> She sees you as a partner who is also supposed to be invested in her priorities, ie, motherhood, but not as one of the priorities yourself.


I'm in agreement with setting boundaries. Just so it's understood that this woman is not likely to change. She has had you paying and supporting her own agenda for a long time. It's likely that this was her agenda coming in to your marriage, at its beginning.

I wouldn't be concerned with the diagnosis of obsessive, or whether it's over the top. The root of her problem is just plain ole selfishness.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Does the 22 yo know her mother tracks her whereabouts via "find my friends"? I would make sure she knew. That's beyond BSC.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> VermiciousKnid said:
> 
> 
> > Huge mistake she's making. The marital relationship has to come first, even above the parent/child relationship. If not, it's doomed to failure...or somebody starts cheating.
> ...


As in, if you were having sex with your partner and your daughter was 19 or 22 and your phone got a call or text you'd stop having sex to see if it was your daughter who contacted you? Because that's the kind of "coming first" we are taking about here.

Well actually, if you're stopping sex to see if perhaps it was your adult daughter who rang you, there might not be much coming any way.


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## FlyBoyJ (Mar 13, 2018)

It seems very clear from the vast majority of the posters to my original post, that this marriage is doomed, or frankly has always been. I know I sound weak and spineless that I've put up with this behavior like I have. I guess the truth lies in the fact that when she's in her "sweet" mode, she can be fun and loving and great to be around. It's when her dark side comes out, the anger, paranoia, insecurity and yes the over the top obsession with her daughters. I've honestly thought she is bi-polar? I guess the change is when we first got together, these 'manic episodes' seemed less frequent. It seems since the youngest daughter graduated high school, she's gone completely off the deep end.

There are plenty of other issues too that all point to irrational behavior. For example her insecurity that any female I ever interact with I'm going to be attracted to and cheat on her with. It's insanity and nothing I do to try and re-assure her seems to help. I even had to quit a job I had at a construction firm mind you (a very male environment) because she saw emails between myself and some of the admin staff where my wife thought the "girls (as she always disparagingly refers to younger women) were flirting with me and I was flirting back. God's honest truth,the emails contained nothing more than me saying "thanks" for whatever item that they had taken care of for me.

I'm kicking myself for letting it get this far. I should have never moved in with her, and much less married her. I guess I got sucked in by that sweet side that I was willing to overlook her paranoid/delusional/insecure/obsessive side that lately seems to be all I get. I'm sick with the thought of uprooting my life yet again and walking around with the social stigma of a twice divorced middle age guy.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

For some women, it means this:

http://newsthissecond.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/1878.jpg


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I would not have married my wife if she had told me her children came “first”. I heard that comment one time when we were dating, and told her I disagreed with that. I told her if we got married, I’d expect equal status or wouldn’t be getting married. I told her we would both make sure all of our children were taken care of, but that taking care of their needs would be no more a priority than her needs. If each of us didn’t take care of one another properly, how would either of us be in a position to do our best work as a parent or employee?
The day my wife shows me there are others in her life that have far more importance than me, I’ll file for divorce. I have been shown that I didn’t have a lot of value before... I’ve changed my mind on Accepting that. When I was dating, I saw a lot of women post that their kids came first..... 99% also put in their profile about 50 things they expected of a man that could “win them”.... it was obvious they were totally into themselves and what they could get for themselves.... no indication of what they had to offer.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

FlyBoyJ said:


> I guess the truth lies in the fact that when she's in her "sweet" mode, she can be fun and loving and great to be around. It's when her dark side comes out, the anger, paranoia, insecurity and yes the over the top obsession with her daughters.


So is hanging out with her when she's in "sweet" mode worth the price you have, and are, paying? Only you can decide.



FlyBoyJ said:


> There are plenty of other issues too that all point to irrational behavior. For example her insecurity that any female I ever interact with I'm going to be attracted to and cheat on her with. ... I even had to quit a job I had at a construction firm mind you (a very male environment) because she saw emails between myself and some of the admin staff where my wife thought the "girls (as she always disparagingly refers to younger women) were flirting with me and I was flirting back. God's honest truth,the emails contained nothing more than me saying "thanks" for whatever item that they had taken care of for me.


Guess she isn't in her "sweet" mode all that often, huh? What you are basically giving us are excuses to stay rather than reasons to leave. 



FlyBoyJ said:


> I guess I got sucked in by that sweet side that I was willing to overlook her paranoid/delusional/insecure/obsessive side that lately seems to be all I get. I'm sick with the thought of uprooting my life yet again and walking around with the social stigma of a twice divorced middle age guy.


Sounds like you have an awful lot emotionally invested in your appearance as a married man. Twice divorced and middle aged doesn't sound nearly as bad to me as Mr. Doormat For Flaming-%^*) Crazy Wife. But it's your life. 

And again, I fail to see how someone being "sweet" trumps "paranoid/delusional/insecure/obsessive." SERIOUSLY.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Prodigal said:


> And again, I fail to see how someone being "sweet" trumps "paranoid/delusional/insecure/obsessive." SERIOUSLY.


Amen!


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

I've walked a mile in these shoes.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Livvie said:


> As in, if you were having sex with your partner and your daughter was 19 or 22 and your phone got a call or text you'd stop having sex to see if it was your daughter who contacted you? Because that's the kind of "coming first" we are taking about here.
> 
> Well actually, if you're stopping sex to see if perhaps it was your adult daughter who rang you, there might not be much coming any way.


Well yeah, if she called me it could be urgent and if it's urgent every second counts. She's always top priority for me, whether a date or my work, everything else is secondary.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> Well yeah, if she called me it could be urgent and if it's urgent every second counts. She's always top priority for me, whether a date or my work, everything else is secondary.


So if you were married, would your wife have the same or lower priority?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

FlyBoyJ said:


> I've been married to my wife almost a year now, and we've been together for almost 8. I have always felt for some time that I am low man on the totem pole. Her list of priorities are as follows:
> 
> 1. Youngest Daughter (19)
> HUGE Gap Here
> ...


*Yes! As her marital partner, you need to be at the apex of that list, and she damned well knows it!

Seems to me that she is a definite "control freak!" And likely will never come to change her spots!*


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> > As in, if you were having sex with your partner and your daughter was 19 or 22 and your phone got a call or text you'd stop having sex to see if it was your daughter who contacted you? Because that's the kind of "coming first" we are taking about here.
> ...


So even when your daughter is older, an adult, whenever your phone rings or receives a text, even if you are having sex with someone, you will stop/interrupt sex and check your phone because it could possibly be your daughter and if it is you will answer it?

That's amazing! The women you have sex with will have to be pretty tolerant. I know a fair few who would not continue a connection with a man who was a slave to his phone during sex because it *might* be his adult daughter who is calling or texting.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Livvie said:


> So even when your daughter is older, an adult, whenever your phone rings or receives a text, even if you are having sex with someone, you will stop/interrupt sex and check your phone because it could possibly be your daughter and if it is you will answer it?
> 
> That's amazing! The women you have sex with will have to be pretty tolerant. I know a fair few who would not continue a connection with a man who was a slave to his phone during sex because it *might* be his adult daughter who is calling or texting.


Ah, I misunderstood.

Heh chances are I'll pick up the phone and if it's not anyone important I'll put it on silent and go back to business. 

If it is an important call though, may be rude to stop mid-sex but it's easy to take a call to excuse yourself.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> Ah, I misunderstood.
> 
> Heh chances are I'll pick up the phone and if it's not anyone important I'll put it on silent and go back to business.
> 
> If it is an important call though, may be rude to stop mid-sex but it's easy to take a call to excuse yourself.


Lol, you’re wrong..... 

You get a woman on the way to orgasm and take a call—— that’s it for that night, and most likely you’ll be glared at the rest of the day or night...

Once most women get close and you screw it up by doing something stupid like stop and check your phone.....they rightfully are pissed and in no mooD for sex anymore.....

I could be wrong. Or I could be doing something wrong, lol


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Get out before things get worse -- because they always can.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Evinrude58 said:


> Lol, you’re wrong.....
> 
> You get a woman on the way to orgasm and take a call—— that’s it for that night, and most likely you’ll be glared at the rest of the day or night...
> 
> ...


Haha that is true, still with the woman I date they tend to have an idea of my responsibilities, hence are generally more understanding. 

For important calls I normally take the call just to let them know to call me back later if it's not urgent. If I don't at least take the call, could end up neglecting my daughter or forcing one of my staff to take the initiative making a decision themselves with long-term consequences for all of us. It's happened before.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

in the early days of our marriage, my wife took a call from her mother during sex once...

...once...


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Livvie said:


> As in, if you were having sex with your partner and your daughter was 19 or 22 and your phone got a call or text you'd stop having sex to see if it was your daughter who contacted you? Because that's the kind of "coming first" we are taking about here.
> 
> Well actually, if you're stopping sex to see if perhaps it was your adult daughter who rang you, there might not be much coming any way.


I wouldn't stop having sex even if God was calling. Priorities.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

I think in addition to what has been said she has a control thing over her daughters. There comes a time when the apron strings should have been cut. If she doesn't do that it can seriously affect her daughters. Obviously one still relates to their adult children but they need to be helped into independence otherwise she might turn out be be a controlling mother in law in their marriages.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

As'laDain said:


> in the early days of our marriage, my wife took a call from her mother during sex once...
> 
> ...once...


In the early days of our marriage, my wife took a call from my sister in law (my brothers wife) during sex . . . We never let her know, and we still laugh about it.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

She seems a bit obsessive over her daughters, especially at their age. But, I can understand her putting her kids over you...I mean she should call them back after sex (not during!). With divorce rate around 50%, your spouse may not be forever, your kids are your kids forever. That said, the helicopter mom when they reach adult age would be frustrating.


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