# Partner has inappropriate relationship with co worker, I'm at my witts end!



## Scubagal (Dec 12, 2012)

Hi I have been reading a thread similar to my circumstances and it has given me reassurance I am not being unfair ( I think!) 

my partner has a friendship at work with one of his admin team. When we first got together I didn't think much of it but due to her continued obsessive behaviour towards him I really have had enough. 

She is constantly texting and emailing him and even texts the house phone! Since he has been with me she questions their friendship a lot and makes him feel guilty because he no longer sees her outside of work for meals and concerts etc....her text messages offend me as she is always referring to me in them saying things like "don't know if I'm allowed to text u anymore" and "tell me the truth does (my name) like this that and the other" etc.....which makes me feel like she is disrespecting me and also my relationship with my partner.

She constantly wants to spend money on my partner and our first Xmas together there were 3 bags full of presents from her under his tree! 

She is funny with him if he doesn't return her texts and blanks him at work if he doesn't give her the attention she wants.

We now have a little baby and when I was pregnant he kept coming home with expensive gifts from her which upset me. Once I had our baby she continued to keep buying presents and messages me on fb to say my partner is like her brother and our baby is her nephew! On the day our baby was born she announced on FB that she was an auntie and got 18 congratulations!!!!

I could go on and on there is so much more she has done that to me is infatuation or obsession or something.

When I approach my partner about this he says he feels guilty as she is his best friend and he feels he has let her down because he is now with me and our baby! 

She makes him feel terribly guilty and he said he can't really do anything as he sees her everyday at work and she would make his life hell as she runs the office and has been there for years so the place would fall apart without her.......

She is now badgering him about what he wants for Xmas again and wants to buy him expensive Hugo boss items ( which she did in November for his birthday too)

I feel like saying something to her because when I talk to him about it he gets angry and defends her!!!!

He cannot see how manipulative she is......at least I don't think he can.

I could use some help and advice as I do not know what to do anymore, I do know I do not want her in my life or my child's life but she's there everyday chipping away at my partner at work.

Am I being unfair asking him to ask her to back off? I asked him to tell her that he is in a serious relationship now and has a little baby bd so their relationship cannot remain as it was. All my friends are great and very happy for me, I hardly see them now but they respect that I have a family and that my family comes first so why cant she also accept this?

Help!!!!


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> Am I being unfair asking him to ask her to back off? I asked him to tell her that he is in a serious relationship now and has a little baby bd so their relationship cannot remain as it was. All my friends are great and very happy for me, I hardly see them now but they respect that I have a family and that my family comes first so why cant she also accept this?


First, your request is reasonable. You can ask and it would be a fair question to ask of him.

That said...

She can't accept your relationship and the seriousness of it, because frankly HE doesn't accept it. He's defending HER instead of standing up for YOU. Not only that, but his response here tells you all you need to know:



> When I approach my partner about this he says he feels guilty as she is his best friend and he feels* he has let her down because he is now with me and our baby*


He sounds completely disengaged. Her feelings are more important to him than yours. He also sounds like he resents your little family. Like it wasn't something he really wanted. 

You're better than me. With that comment he made I would have packed a bag for myself and the baby and left him to his 'best friend'. YOU should be his best friend.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The problem is your partner and his lack of boundaries. Until you fix that, worrying about the other person is pointless. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Scubagal (Dec 12, 2012)

That's interesting hearing somebody else's point of view, here I am blaming her and disliking her but the comment about him resenting our little family like it is something he never wanted in the first place has hit a nerve! 

Our baby was not planned as I was told I couldn't have children and the first 12 weeks were hell I thought we were not going to make it, but now baby is 17 weeks old and doing more he is more interested in him now (he slept in a different room for 12 weeks I felt very lonely and thought I would have to leave)

I've been reading up on emotional affairs and I think this is the relationship he is having with her. He said he also feels guilty because she has helped him through tough times and vice versa so I am convinced it is an emotional affair they are having.

I feel very sad and low about all this to be honest and also helpless as I don't see what I can do.


----------



## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

My heart goes out to you, I know exactly how you feel. My SO had a girl who was his best friend. Well he still calls her that anyway. When we first got together they were roommates and she was constantly trying to sabatoge our relationship. She would always call me by her friends name (who had been a fk buddy of his before me) among a lot of other things. The icing on the cake was when he told her we were pregnant, she SLAPPED HIM!! Multiple times!! Then she stopped talking to him for months. He still refused to believe me when I told him she had feelings for him and was jealous. Insisted they were just BF's and she was feeling abandoned. She came back around and apologized to him a few months before I had the baby. Once the baby came she disappeared again. He almost even got a matching tattoo with her before she disappeared this last time. I happily pulled the "I told you so" card.

I'm waiting for her to pop up again like nothing has happened and for him to go running back to calling her his best friend. Let me tell you though, the times that she is out of our lives are GREAT! He knows how I feel and I have never given him an ultimatum regarding her but if she shows up again I absolutely will. I cannot live with her in our lives and I know what you are going through. You cannot continue on like this.

My advice to you, tell him he needs to put you and your family first and that this girl is making you uncomfortable. You should be his best friend. Ask him where his family is in comparison to his friendship with her. Is a friendship worth ruining his own family? Ask him to start phasing her out of your lives.


----------



## Scubagal (Dec 12, 2012)

Gosh it sounds like this is quite a common issue, thanks for you're reply soifon. She works with him so he cannot phase her out as such. I guess my biggest problem with all this is that he confides in her not me and says she is his best friend where his bf should be me.

I am so confused.

The last big argument we had was about 3 weeks ago and as usual it was about her (it's the only thing we argue about) and he lost his temper and said "this isn't working I think we should split up" that hurt like hell and still upsets me deeply when I think about it. However 2 nights ago he is calling me his "angel" and saying he loves me!

Maybe he doesn't know what he wants?

We too get on if she has not been mentioned as I almost forget about her but as he works with her he does tend to mention her quite a lot, even if it's just in passing and every time he says her name I cringe.

She went to London this weekend and has come back with an expensive Harrods "my first Xmas" stocking and tree bauble. I put them up yesterday as I don't want to look like I am being funny but I honestly want to take them down as its a constant reminder of her obsessive and childish behaviour.......what should I do?

By the way I had already bought my little boy a my first Xmas stocking and bauble so was a bit unhappy she had gone out and purchased expensive ones from London!


----------



## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

Throw them away!! Last Christmas she had got us all gifts (before she knew about the baby) and after her reaction I went through our house and threw out everything from her.

Your husband is the problem, which I think you realize. My SO has told me that he would do anything to keep his family together and I know he means it. If I ask him to remove her or lose his family he will. I'm sure he will be angry and resentful about it but he would do it. Yours sounds like he isn't as willing but if you sit down with him and really explain how you feel, how it's making you feel and everything he stands to lose over this he may see it. But you need to be calm and tell him it from your perspective, not in a blaming sort of way.

I know they work together but I think you should be telling him that he needs to keep his relationship with her work related and at work. You don't want to hear her name, see her or have things bought from her in your home. Just the other day my SO was telling a story and mentioned her in it and I just calmly and with a smile on my face said, "can you not mention her please. She doesn't exist in my happy little world anymore" as I motioned with my hands my world being the circle between us and our kids. He started the story over immediately and left her name out from the new version.


----------



## kiss (Dec 12, 2012)

Unfortunately there are four people in your family relationship when there should only be three. 

Your partner is maybe feeling a little trapped if baby was unintended but thats tough cookies now because baby is here and parents have to step up. It sounds lke they are both trying to stay in denial of what is really going on, but underneath I am sure they know. Your partner is enjoying the flattery of having the additional female in his life and the other woman is hanging on to the idea that she is still an important part of his life. 

They are both trying to be convincing that "we are really only just friends, whats your problem?" but,
if she hasnt bought a gift for the baby or you, then shes not really acting like a typical aunt or a family friend.
if she is a head honcho in the office does she buy all the workers Hugo Boss? No, then she is selecting him out as a "special friend". 
if neither of them buy all the rest of their friends expensive gifts, then the her gifts are out of proportion for what they are trying to claim them to be.
But of course we all know that!

Time for boyfriend to step up and clarify if he is in an exclusive relationship with you or still playing the field. His best way of starting would be to tell his friend that he has always appreciated her gifts in the past but now that you and he are a family, this Christmas, if she is still really set on buying a gift he would prefer her to purchase something nice for the baby, and since she has already bought the stocking so maybe that should be the end of it. You could also suggest that if she continues to want to purchase expensive gifts purely for him it is indicative of a different type of relationship.

His reaction to this may not be what you want, but it should help clarify whats going on.
FWIW she may not actually be "after him", some women just dont like loosing members of their fan club but once it happens they do move on eventually.

And, remember, you put the stocking up, good for you! Enjoy it, its not hers any more, it yours now!


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

He doesn't sound like he wants to be rid of her. You have 3 adults in your relationship.

If he will not excommunicate her from your lives, and you want to stay together, the only suggestion I have to diffuse this is to do a 180. Being in opposition to this relationship only gets you fighting. So if you can't beat em, join em. Call her up and invite her into your home. Have dinner out with her and your family. Start including her in most every situation you see appropriate... she's claiming Auntie status, well include her into your family as such. 2 things will happen...

1) He'll like this and go along with it, and maybe you will too over time as you get to know her

2) He'll hate it and get sick of her in his home life. 

Right now she's the work wife. Have you heard of that? The work wife doesn't see the home husband. It's all like a little fantasy they have about one another. They need to bring the fantasy and the reality together and maybe you're the one to do it.


----------



## Scubagal (Dec 12, 2012)

Thanks guys for you're support I have needed to chat to someone that isn't a friend or family member about this as they would take my side naturally and I didn't want that I wanted to hear what uninvolved people thought!

Kiss......very wise words thank you, and certainly the bit about the expensive gifts being indicative of a different type of relationship.

I am throwing the baby sticking and bauble away I don't want them or her in my house.

She's badgering him at the moment about what gifts he wants for Xmas, he's too soft to tell her a firm no. I already said tell her to just buy the baby something as I thought that was a fair compromise.

I suspect whatever she buys him.....( Hugo boss) may be kept a secret from me.

I am so tempted to email her and tell her how inappropriate her behaviour is but then I look like the bad guy! 

You are all stars, so many wise words, it's opening my eyes!


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

You need to not focus on her, it's HIM. She only is doing what he allows her to.

All it would take is a conversation from him and this would be over (most times, otherwise you have a stalker on your hands and the police would need to be involved).

He's not going to send her off. Not unless he wants to.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> You need to not focus on her, it's HIM. She only is doing what he allows her to.
> 
> All it would take is a conversation from him and this would be over (most times, otherwise you have a stalker on your hands and the police would need to be involved).
> 
> He's not going to send her off. Not unless he wants to.


:iagree:

Totally Agree here


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Scubagal said:


> Thanks guys for you're support I have needed to chat to someone that isn't a friend or family member about this as they would take my side naturally and I didn't want that I wanted to hear what uninvolved people thought!
> 
> Kiss......very wise words thank you, and certainly the bit about the expensive gifts being indicative of a different type of relationship.
> 
> ...


Keep in mind also, he is LETTING you see some of this. May just be the tip of the iceberg.


----------



## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

Your situation is different so I am torn on the trying to befriend her point of view. In my situation I did try to become friends with her. At one point she was coming over and was hanging out with just me and we were also texting each other. I really thought we could all just be friends and get along. Then when she found out about the baby that stopped and a few months later when he confronted her about disappearing she told him she had never even liked me! So now I feel like that quick friendship was all an act. 

Your situation could be different and it may be worth a try. I did feel better about their relationship when I became part of the circle. If it would have stayed that way and been true I think things would have gone on just fine. It's worth a shot IMO.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Soifron, your situation is one of a classically jealous and in love woman with your husband. For her, yeah the quick friendship was an act. She did try to like you but couldn't get past her jealousy to sustain it. Nothing to take personally. He is with you. She's sore over that and that's too bad.

I don't think this other lady is in love with your guy OP. Emotionally dependant? Absolutely. You can feed it with positivity, or keep fighting a losing battle. Totally up to you.


----------



## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Take all presents to an angel tree, then send her a card thanking her for helping out the less fortunate


----------



## Scubagal (Dec 12, 2012)

I don't want to befriend her as her behaviour makes me feel very uncomfortable.

I have to think of a way of approaching him that won't end in an argument, I think you are all right if he really spent the time to talk to her it would make her back off and stay as a work colleague only.

Thing is she gets quite funny with him and makes him feel like a bad person, a bad friend that has used her! 

Funny how none of my friends think that and only wish me well and every happiness!!!!


----------



## Scubagal (Dec 12, 2012)

But then again maybe the comment about him not wanting it to end and that he enjoys the attention from her is true and in this case I guess I would have to accept its not going to change!


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Scubagal said:


> But then again maybe the comment about him not wanting it to end and that he enjoys the attention from her is true and in this case I guess I would have to accept its not going to change!


Please read some EA threads in the CWI section.

It will get clear to you you have to block this totally. 

But obviously you are in some kind of naive fog, or have no self esteem or boundaries. So when you have informed yourself, make a choice.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Scubagal said:


> But then again maybe the comment about him not wanting it to end and that he enjoys the attention from her is true and in this case I guess I would have to accept its not going to change!


I would say this much is obvious. And note that he cares more about not upsetting HER than not upsetting YOU.

He's already threatened the end of your relationship over this. That should tell you all you need to know. He's not going to be rid of her because it's what you want. He's not going to do it for you. If he does it at all it will be for himself.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Scubagal said:


> Maybe he doesn't know what he wants?


Oh he knows what he wants.

He wants both of you.

Are you sure they weren't lovers at one time?


----------



## Scubagal (Dec 12, 2012)

I have self esteem thank you very much I simply haven't been in this situation before and find it very odd!

I have a strong view of what's right and wrong and my gut tells me this so called friendship is wrong.

I don't believe they have ever been romantically involved just "emotionally" she is manipulative and uses emotional blackmail as her weapon.

I think many of u r correct in that it is him that needs to sort this and if he doesn't there's my answer!

Bit of background on her, she is in her forties and not only has an ugly personality but also is rather unattractive, not that looks are everything but when you're personality is not not it makes u even more unattractive.

She lives with her mom and is a spinster.

I think this is why she latches onto people because her life is not fulfilled.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Wow!!

Where's the bunny in the boiler emoticon? She's bat-sh!t crazy. You need to be very careful.

This isn't even addressing your man. He needs to put a stop to this. It's not right.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Scubagal said:


> I have self esteem thank you very much I simply haven't been in this situation before and find it very odd!
> 
> I have a strong view of what's right and wrong and my gut tells me this so called friendship is wrong.
> 
> ...


Her personal issues and motives of intent are irrelevant.

He's the problem.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You both should read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

Your partner is in a second full time relationship with this woman. It's clear that she self identifies him as her partner.


----------



## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

Since he must work with her, he HAS TO keep all contact with her work-related ONLY. No questions asked...that is, if he cares about saving your marriage. Clearly, it bothers you this much, and that should be a good enough reason for him to do so.

It also sounds like she is being very inappropriate, but the problem lies with HIM, not her. Like everyone else has said, she only does what he allows her to.

I had a similar incident with my boyfriend. He was very close to a female co-worker before I met him. She wasn't quite as obsessive as your SO's coworker, but long story short, she used to act inappropriately for a married woman (ie flirting with all or most of the men, coworkers and interns alike, as numerous sources have told me, among other things). There were plenty of other incidents/stories that I heard, but that's another story in itself. What made it worse was that she works at his full-time AND part-time job.

Eventually, because he's also a softie and didn't have the heart to tell her flat out to stop, he quit answering her texts and phone calls. She went ballistic and confronted him. He said he told her he had a girlfriend and she has a husband, and he can't do it anymore. He is also quitting his part-time job when his contract ends in 6 months.

It didn't matter what she did, it mattered how he responded. He was always responding to her texts and calls and inappropriate behavior, and therefore further enabled it. He thought he was doing nothing wrong since in his mind, he just treated her like a good friend.

Bottom line, when he stopped the behavior, so did she. Though she and my boyfriend remain cordial at work, I believe she has now moved onto someone else.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

This is playing out as it does over and over again. Obviously she wants him and he knows it but he likes the attention. He may think there's no harm and it'll never go anywhere to but that's the tricky part of how EAs play out and sometimes the partner in the affair is just as shocked as anyone else. We all want to believe the politically correct nonsense about unlimited boundaries and endless trust in relationships but that's dangerous because temptations sneaks up on us.

In my opinion, he is out of bounds. Not so much in that he has an OSF (opp sex friend) but in the fact that your relationship should be OFF LIMITS in OSF conversations and text and text that are disrespectful to you is certainly out of bounds.

There have been quite a few discussions on TAM about OSF and while some people think it's fine, most everyone agrees that there are boundaries that need to apply and most would agree that him and her talking about you is out of those boundaries.


----------

