# Earning back trust



## NWRain (Feb 17, 2014)

I made some mistakes, hid the truth from my wife (involving finances) and now she is contemplating leaving me. We have two teenage boys, so I don't want them to become a product of divorce like I was. She says she's willing to talk about things and make an attempt to work things out, but she has lost her trust in me (After 24 years of marriage). What can I do to start earning her trust back in measurable ways? Currently if I'm questioned on something I've said, I can't truly defend myself as I will look guilty by becoming defensive. Any help would be great. Thanks.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Be totally transparent and include her with every step in your financial decisions. If you can give an account for every dollar, that should go a long way to reestablishing trust

Also, don't lie or hide anything. Be transparent in all things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Also, don't lie or hide anything. Be transparent in all things.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: Transparency builds trust.


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## NWRain (Feb 17, 2014)

Accounting for finances is fine, and part of what I'm starting to do. She has spread the mistrust to every other aspect of our lives. Questioning what is real and what was a lie. For example, I'd go to play in a low cost poker tournament at the local poker club and she questions if I'm really there, or am I meeting up with someone...even though I've given her no reason to suspect it. It kills me that I've made this bed and now I have to lay in it... but when she's placing the mistrust outside of the finances, I find it hard to defend myself... or have the ability to disprove her when she accuses me of things without coming off as defensive...like I'm lying.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Maybe what you did wasn't as bad as infidelity but you need to make amends like you did. 
Look at the CWI thread and take some cues from former cheaters on how to earn back trust.

Your road is about the same but your level of betrayal is maybe less. Your road to trust will probably be shorter than theirs.

If you love her, give her everything she needs or you might lose her.
You did betray her, earning back trust is tough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

NWRain said:


> Accounting for finances is fine, and part of what I'm starting to do. She has spread the mistrust to every other aspect of our lives. Questioning what is real and what was a lie. For example, I'd go to play in a low cost poker tournament at the local poker club and she questions if I'm really there, or am I meeting up with someone...even though I've given her no reason to suspect it. It kills me that I've made this bed and now I have to lay in it... but when she's placing the mistrust outside of the finances, I find it hard to defend myself... or have the ability to disprove her when she accuses me of things without coming off as defensive...like I'm lying.


That's the problem with lying--when exposed it contaminates everything. In her eyes you HAVE given reason to suspect everything--if you lied about finances why not about everything else? Just be transparent about everything, do not rpt do not get defensive if she suspects you of something you haven't done. Just answer calmly and truthfully. Hide nothing.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Philat said:


> That's the problem with lying--when exposed it contaminates everything. In her eyes you HAVE given reason to suspect everything--if you lied about finances why not about everything else? Just be transparent about everything, do not rpt do not get defensive if she suspects you of something you haven't done. Just answer calmly and truthfully. Hide nothing.



That's true. You know what you have and haven't lied about but she doesn't; how did she find out about the lies you did tell? Did you tell her or did she find out? The latter is much harder to overcome because it suggests that you don't fess up unless you have to. .Just keep being transparent and do not get defensive; the more she sees you're being straight the less she'll worry about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

What was the financial issue or issues? It's difficult to give advice without perspective. It seems to me that it's pretty serious to erode all trust.

Are the questions about faithfulness new? Has she always been suspicious? Or maybe does she want you to spend more time at home and less out playing poker with your friends?

Have you both been faithful throughout your marriage? Do you think she is looking elsewhere right now? How is your sex life?

What issues do you have with her? It is not a good sign when your main reason for staying with her is the children.

What does she want you to do?


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## NWRain (Feb 17, 2014)

BWBill said:


> What was the financial issue or issues? It's difficult to give advice without perspective. It seems to me that it's pretty serious to erode all trust.
> 
> Are the questions about faithfulness new? Has she always been suspicious? Or maybe does she want you to spend more time at home and less out playing poker with your friends?
> 
> ...


She's always had pretty low self esteem, so she's always thought I'd step out on her (I never have). I don't spend much time playing poker...maybe once a month and spend most of my time at home (I'm self employed and work from home). 

She went through a major medical issue (Cancer in 2010) resulting in a full hysterectomy putting her into early menopause. Because of that, her libido has gone to zero. I've come to terms with that, but I'm sure it's an underlying issue in her head... thinking I'll look for it elsewhere. 

I don't have any real issues with her, other than then short term memory issues caused by the chemo. She'll forget prime pieces of a conversation...or an entire conversation... then blame me for not telling her something when it comes up later. It definitely has caused some arguments. I still love her and want to be with her, but rebuilding the trust will be a long road.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Oooh - bummer to have to RE-build trust. Going through a bit of a "no-trust" thing myself, but the opposite way (her).

The only way (in my opinion) is to completely cop to everything, and to honestly invest yourself completely into the "mitigation plan" that you both come up with.

You will have to earn it back, and it sounds like you are willing to do so. Just don't expect a "No problem - it's okay" type of response. 

Once trust has been breached, it's a major pain in the backside to re-gain.

Good luck!!


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Invite her to the poker tournament

When you arrange plans, have HER put them on the calendar with some initials (stolen from alte Dame) A few humiliating incidents of this will make her reassess some of her accusations.

If there is any question of anything, provide the answer in advance.

She wants to know where you are? Turn on Find a Phone on an iPhone. Send her pictures from the poker tournament.

Bring home receipts when you shop or dine somewhere.

Sorry to say, but the memory loss thing makes this much more difficult.

This will take YEARS and the slightest slip will bring you, if not to square one, much farther back than you'd like.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Stop defending yourself and just give her the answers she needs. in every aspect of life. Philat is dead right. 

Total transparency is what you need. Beyond that place the power in her hands by asking her specifically what she needs from you in order to learn to trust you again.


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