# Timeline till normal



## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

How long does it take to feel normal after this process. Can you feel normal before the divorce is final? 

How long to not miss their constant presence? Because I was left by my cheater, the logical side of me is wondering why it's taking me _so long_. Then I realize it's only been two months since this roller coaster began for me and three weeks since he moved out. Please tell me it gets easier for a bs who had no choice of reconciliation because their ws made that choice for the both of them. Not that I'm saying I'd stick around and be a doormat (though right at dday I did the sobbing, pick-me, HB dance), but I feel offended they didn't even want to work it out because of ow, or other reasons. I love him so much it feels like my soul was ripped from my body. Why am I so stupid to love someone who could be so cruel to me after dday? I didn't ever think I'd get married before I met him and was swept off my feet by his waves of emotion a decade ago (he's much more outwardly emotional and affectionate than I am)

No kids, which is great on one end, but horrible on the other because I want them. We were having issues staying or being viably pregnant (not getting) because of my age probably. Were supposed to go in for testing but now that's out the window. 

I'm so afraid to start over again. I never really date-dated when not in a committed relationship. People are so shady when they are supposedly invested in you so how much worse would it be just casually.


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## GoingCrazyNow (Jun 28, 2017)

I can tell you that I am almost 4 months out from when my WW told me she wanted a divorce. She's been out of the house for almost two months. It was VERY difficult in the beginning and I still have some waves of emotion over it, like "I cannot f*cking believe she's doing this!" and "Why is she destroying this family over a freakin' loser?" I have 3 kids, so my sitch is different, but the pain is probably the same. I felt like my heart was ripped out for a month or two, contemplated all kinds of bad things and wound up needing some medication to help me along. The medication has done wonders, but I don't recommend it to everyone - but I was losing it quick. I had 21 years invested into my relationship, that was gone in a matter of weeks.

I can say this being 4 months in:

First, things WILL get better for you. Am I over it? Not fully, but I'm not crying or worrying about it anymore. The cliché "Time heals everything", though not fully true IMO but Time definitely helps out a lot. Acceptance is what has helped me through it, knowing there's nothing that I, myself could do. Do NOT blame yourself, cheating is never and cannot be justified.

Second, do the 180 and GAL. I have been doing this for 3 months, and although it was very tough to start has made the biggest impact in me getting through this. I was very depressed, and just did what I knew I HAD to do, which was get out and do things - better myself and treat myself right.

I am really sorry you are going through this, everyone in this forum understands the pain and suffering one does when hit with a cheating spouse or someone wanting to end the marriage.


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## Hexagon (Jun 20, 2017)

A timeline would be wonderful but I know its different for everyone. My WW left on May 4th and it doesn't appear to get any better at all. We just have 1 child together and shes almost 4. Thats probably the biggest pain for me. The guilt that my innocent daughter has to go through this. Living in my new apartment, being broke now, etc. all have an impact. 
There are some days, more recent even, that I wonder how much longer I can go on like this. 
There are lots of reasons why it happened but it still happened and it feels absolutely horrible. 

You asked a very good question and I'm anxious to hear what everyone says. Crazy brought up a good point. "Time healing wounds....."
Why isn't getting any better?


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## GoingCrazyNow (Jun 28, 2017)

Hexagon said:


> There are some days, more recent even, that I wonder how much longer I can go on like this.
> There are lots of reasons why it happened but it still happened and it feels absolutely horrible.
> 
> Why isn't getting any better?


This is how I felt, and getting medication to help was a big part of it. If you feel like ending it, get some help- seriously. Make no mistake, I am definitely not through this and it is still a rollercoaster, but I am able to deal with it better.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

growing_weary said:


> How long does it take to feel normal after this process. Can you feel normal before the divorce is final?
> 
> How long to not miss their constant presence? Because I was left by my cheater, the logical side of me is wondering why it's taking me _so long_. Then I realize it's only been two months since this roller coaster began for me and three weeks since he moved out. Please tell me it gets easier for a bs who had no choice of reconciliation because their ws made that choice for the both of them. Not that I'm saying I'd stick around and be a doormat (though right at dday I did the sobbing, pick-me, HB dance), but I feel offended they didn't even want to work it out because of ow, or other reasons. I love him so much it feels like my soul was ripped from my body. Why am I so stupid to love someone who could be so cruel to me after dday? I didn't ever think I'd get married before I met him and was swept off my feet by his waves of emotion a decade ago (he's much more outwardly emotional and affectionate than I am)
> 
> ...


In answer to your first question, I have no idea how long it takes to feel normal again. It was me who wanted the separation, and I felt fantastic for weeks afterwards. It hasn't been until lately that I've been feeling stressed to the hilt, sick to the stomach, shakey and just unwell. Our anniversary and 2nd appt with the couple's counsellor after no contact for 2 months is coming up though, so that's probably why. 

Like you, I didn't think I'd ever get married either, and was resigned to a life of being single with a lot of dogs. Unlike you, I dated a few men, and can say that the pickings were slim back then, hence jumping on the first man who wasn't scared ****less of commitment! 

Not sure what the trick is to getting back in the saddle, but I agree, people ARE shady, and they can tell tall tales of being someone that they aren't, only to show their true colours when you're already invested in the relationship. Sometimes it's too late to realize the hole you've dug yourself into, and I'm unsure if relationships/marriage are worth it. It honestly might just be better/safer to date casually. Like you, I want a family, and am also older. There are many ways to have that family: adoption, surrogacy, fostering, taking a chance on a man who may already have a family. Or not, and just do the single Mom thing. Have a look online at some of your local adoption agencies at some point. I've heard that it can take awhile, so getting your name on a list sooner rather than later is probably not a bad thing.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

Your pain i feel, my story mirrors your so well, timeline the same, spouse who i had loved unconditionally for 28 years of marriage, all thrown away in the time it took me to drink a coffee, unreal. My wife was a serial cheater, but endless promises of her faithfulness to me after ending last EA in 2013 fell apart one sunday afternoon 6 weeks ago, love of her life she met at work 6 months previously, she moved out before sunday was out and it has been a rollercoaster to hell since. I have missed her everyday, every minute, every second as we did get on so well or so i thought, but once a cheater always a cheater i guess. The pain is real as is the demons playing with your mind, telling you all sorts, but they are rarely correct, if ever. 

You will never feel normal like you did because trauma changes people like nothing else, you will as i will come through this time in our lives where nothing much makes sense but in time with the self help we can give ourselves are recover will happen, don't beat yourself up regarding What if.., he doesn't care about that stuff, he has flown the nest, what you have to do is make yourself happy, by doing things that improve you as a person. When i first took advice, i thought to myself improving me is not what i need right now, but the good people here on TAM were so right, that is how you get out of the position we all find ourselves in when the cheat leaves. I for one started a healthy eating plan, no rubbish at all, no TV since she left, every corner of my house is immaculate except my son's room as that will be a monumental task best left until later in the year, i have started to look for new employment, i am retraining now for a better future, so many told me to do this here on TAM and at the time is seemed so huge i couldn't get my head around it all, but baby steps have turned into huge strides and i ain't stopping until i cross the finish line whenever that is. I don't know when the pain will stop, maybe never but i don't think about it as much as i did as i am too busy, and best of all my EX see's this change and will be wondering where i got the strength from to do so much in just 6 weeks, she always underestimated me, but i will rise from the pit of despair, stronger, leaner more responsive and all round a wiser man, that has to be a goal worth fighting for. Don't dwell too much on his betrayal as hard as that is too accomplish, but reason with yourself to find a way forward, a better you can emerge and everybody will see it.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## Hexagon (Jun 20, 2017)

I was with my WW for 6 years and I felt as if she were the best friend I would ever have. I thought my compromise and adoration was a good thing. Now I know I was just a supply and was controlled.
Even knowing these things doesn't make the pain easier.
That was just 6 years.
Only 6 years.

My heart goes out to you or anyone that has or is enduring this with a larger amount invested time. Kevin....28 years....wow.
28 years of living an illusion. 
All of you are welcome to contact me personally in one form or another. If you're having a difficult time and want to vent, chances are I need it as well.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

KevinZX said:


> Your pain i feel, my story mirrors your so well, timeline the same, spouse who i had loved unconditionally for 28 years of marriage, all thrown away in the time it took me to drink a coffee, unreal. My wife was a serial cheater, but endless promises of her faithfulness to me after ending last EA in 2013 fell apart one sunday afternoon 6 weeks ago, love of her life she met at work 6 months previously, she moved out before sunday was out and it has been a rollercoaster to hell since. I have missed her everyday, every minute, every second as we did get on so well or so i thought, but once a cheater always a cheater i guess. The pain is real as is the demons playing with your mind, telling you all sorts, but they are rarely correct, if ever.
> 
> You will never feel normal like you did because trauma changes people like nothing else, you will as i will come through this time in our lives where nothing much makes sense but in time with the self help we can give ourselves are recover will happen, don't beat yourself up regarding What if.., he doesn't care about that stuff, he has flown the nest, what you have to do is make yourself happy, by doing things that improve you as a person. When i first took advice, i thought to myself improving me is not what i need right now, but the good people here on TAM were so right, that is how you get out of the position we all find ourselves in when the cheat leaves. I for one started a healthy eating plan, no rubbish at all, no TV since she left, every corner of my house is immaculate except my son's room as that will be a monumental task best left until later in the year, i have started to look for new employment, i am retraining now for a better future, so many told me to do this here on TAM and at the time is seemed so huge i couldn't get my head around it all, but baby steps have turned into huge strides and i ain't stopping until i cross the finish line whenever that is. I don't know when the pain will stop, maybe never but i don't think about it as much as i did as i am too busy, and best of all my EX see's this change and will be wondering where i got the strength from to do so much in just 6 weeks, she always underestimated me, but i will rise from the pit of despair, stronger, leaner more responsive and all round a wiser man, that has to be a goal worth fighting for. Don't dwell too much on his betrayal as hard as that is too accomplish, but reason with yourself to find a way forward, a better you can emerge and everybody will see it.
> 
> ...


The above is the best recipe for success I have ever seen! Good job, Kevin.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

Thank you for the responses everyone. What is GAL? Get a life? 

I know I don't want to do the single mom thing, I just don't. I'd rather not have a child than be a single mother, for myself, because I want to stay and take care of them for a bit while they're at their youngest. I want that whole family unit that I grew up with (as ****ed up as it might have been under the surface). I adore and appreciate single mothers, but I don't think I'd be at my best as one. Unless I build that app I haven't thought of yet and become a multi millionaire _before_ retirement I won't be able to do that and live the lifestyle I'm accustomed to from my work, though I could go freelance/consultant if necessary.

I have a robust social life outside of the marriage, lots of friends to count on and do things with, tons of hobbies and things that I'd like to do, but none of it is making it any easier to reconcile in my head. Without the support of my friends I'd be nowhere. The amount two particular mentors in my life have had me riff my mind wanderings on them has been unreal. I did make them brunch one of the times I was doing that though. I need to give back to them as much and as soon as I can because they are so precious to me.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I remember the exact moment when I realized I had turned the corner and things were going to be better for me. It took me just over 7 months from the divorce date. When you get to that point you'll realize it and then life gets exceedingly better very quickly.


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## Hexagon (Jun 20, 2017)

growing_weary said:


> Thank you for the responses everyone. What is GAL? Get a life?
> 
> I know I don't want to do the single mom thing, I just don't. I'd rather not have a child than be a single mother, for myself, because I want to stay and take care of them for a bit while they're at their youngest. I want that whole family unit that I grew up with (as ****ed up as it might have been under the surface). I adore and appreciate single mothers, but I don't think I'd be at my best as one. Unless I build that app I haven't thought of yet and become a multi millionaire _before_ retirement I won't be able to do that and live the lifestyle I'm accustomed to from my work, though I could go freelance/consultant if necessary.


Funny you should mention that. I have an idea that is worth millions but no way to start it. lol


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Hexagon said:


> A timeline would be wonderful but I know its different for everyone. My WW left on May 4th and it doesn't appear to get any better at all. We just have 1 child together and shes almost 4. Thats probably the biggest pain for me. The guilt that my innocent daughter has to go through this. Living in my new apartment, being broke now, etc. all have an impact.
> There are some days, more recent even, that I wonder how much longer I can go on like this.
> There are lots of reasons why it happened but it still happened and it feels absolutely horrible.
> 
> ...


Because it's up to you - and you haven't started making progress.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

growing_weary said:


> How long does it take to feel normal after this process. Can you feel normal before the divorce is final?
> 
> How long to not miss their constant presence? Because I was left by my cheater, the logical side of me is wondering why it's taking me _so long_. Then I realize it's only been two months since this roller coaster began for me and three weeks since he moved out. Please tell me it gets easier for a bs who had no choice of reconciliation because their ws made that choice for the both of them. Not that I'm saying I'd stick around and be a doormat (though right at dday I did the sobbing, pick-me, HB dance), but I feel offended they didn't even want to work it out because of ow, or other reasons. I love him so much it feels like my soul was ripped from my body. Why am I so stupid to love someone who could be so cruel to me after dday? I didn't ever think I'd get married before I met him and was swept off my feet by his waves of emotion a decade ago (he's much more outwardly emotional and affectionate than I am)
> 
> ...


You have every ability to independently see a specialist and have genetic/etc. testing done so you have all the facts prior to your next relationship. Don't look at your past as a reason to not take hold of your future.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

Satya said:


> You have every ability to independently see a specialist and have genetic/etc. testing done so you have all the facts prior to your next relationship. Don't look at your past as a reason to not take hold of your future.


Totally get that. It just dropped down a few rungs from where it was placed in the aftermath. I've had testing done for other reasons before so I figure I can wait a few months since I'm not actively doing anything towards that goal at the moment.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You're going through a rough time. You're also having issues getting and staying pregnant and want to be a parent. You also mention wanting to stay home while the child is young. Seems to me a near perfect solution would be to Foster to adopt an older child who is already in school so you can keep working. You'd get to parent and a kid who needs a parent would have you.


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