# To divorce or just keep trying?



## kgirl516 (Jan 26, 2013)

My husband and I have been married for 8 years and have been together for 12 years. When we first met, we got along great! We spent time together talking, hanging out, and laughing together. He has been unfaithful at least twice that I know of and I have tried to forgive him. We are complete opposites but in the past, this made us interested in each other. For the last 3 years, I feel like our marriage has fallen apart. My husband has always had intimacy issues and I accepted them as part of him (i.e. he always brings the newspaper to dinner and didn't actually tell me he loved me until our wedding day.) However, I now feel as though our marriage and family is a burden to him. We have a 2 year old daughter that we struggled to conceive for 6 years. My husband had no interest in my pregnancy, only went to one doctor’s appt with me, spent the last few months of my pregnancy at the bar at least 5 nights a week, and had almost nothing to do with our baby for the first year. He has made improvements in this area but now I feel like the one that is being blamed for how miserable his life is. I walk on eggshells most days to keep him from complaining or being just overall negative. We rarely talk. When he comes home from work, there is no eye contact and no talking. He walks in, takes his boots off and heads straight for the shower. Most of the time, I have dinner done and on the table when he gets home even though I too work a full time job. The baby and I eat dinner at the kitchen table while he eats sitting at the computer. He spends about 30 minutes playing with our daughter but after she goes to bed, he is back on the computer with headphones on. Finally when he is ready for bed, he just gets up and goes. No goodnights or anything. I feel like we are roommates. He is extremely resentful that he has to work because I don’t make more money. He blames me because he can’t just go to the bar with his work buddies when he wants. I have tried to talk with him about this several times over the last few years. I have tried to be sensitive to what makes him unhappy. I have literally spelled out what I need from him (i.e. I tell him what I need to hear at any given time.) He is so angry and depressed and I have no more energy to fix things. I have spent the last 12 years putting him first and he has spent the last 12 years putting him first…and now, I feel like there is nothing left for me. 

I would ideally like him to change…to be a positive person who laughs and doesn't take himself or everyone else so seriously. I would like for him to appreciate me for loving him and hug me every once in a while. It would be nice to have a conversation that didn't feel forced. However, I really feel like this is unreasonable because it is essentially asking for him to change his personality. I am contemplating a divorce because I am tired of trying to find creative ways to feel loved. Is there a way to save our marriage or is it too far gone? He has refused marriage counseling several times. Any input is appreciated.


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## Ificouldiwould (Jan 26, 2013)

No companionship....no love...no goodnight kiss....I know how it feels. There has to be more to a marriage- I'm sorry you are in such a miserable situation. I hope he wakes up, before it is too late.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You cannot change him. All you can change is yourself and how you interact with him.

How much does he help around the house? Does he do dishes? clean? do laundry? the yard? etc? Or do you do it all?

To be honest it sounds like you need to start just taking care of yourself and your child. Do what's good for you. Get out as much as you can even if you have to take your baby with you. 

Do you have family near by?


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## kgirl516 (Jan 26, 2013)

I do have family nearby...right down the street actually. My husband is very good around the house. He does dishes, vacuums and takes out the trash. We do our own laundry and it has always been this way. I have no complaints about his helping out around the house and I tell him thank you for everything that he does. I want him to know that I appreciate him all the time but I'm so incredibly lonely. We share a home but there is nothing else. Sex is sex...there has never been romance or intimacy associated with it. I'm envious of friends who go out with other couples or do family things because this is not a part of our life. My husband will not agree or engage in any activity that he finds no pleasure in. He will not go with us to the park in the summer because he finds it boring. He won't watch a movie with me because he feels "all movies suck." He pushes me away when I try to hug him and has never told our daughter that he loves her (although I know he does.) I love him and would like for things to work but I am feeling more and more hopeless at this point.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Unless he is willing to work with you to fix the marriage, this is what you get.

Maybe give yourself a deadline? say 6 months and try some change in yourself and see if they effect a change in him.

A book that might be good for you is "Divorce Busting"


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## V10Viper (Jan 26, 2013)

He didn't tell you he loved you untill you wedding night? How did you guys get to a wedding night? I don't know if he loves you or not but the answer lies with that question. If he loves you then its probably worth trying to save, if not, then what's there to save? This is just a hunch, but how does your husband view his position in life as far as success? You mentioned career and money, he may just be frustrated with where he is in life vs where and what he'd like to provide for you. The computer obsession might be his way of still trying to figure it out. Bar might have been his personal therapy session, and his lack of interest in other activities might be because he's tired of seeing success in other people vs sucess for him and his family. Just a hunch.


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## kgirl516 (Jan 26, 2013)

While we were dating, I would ask him if he loved me and he would say yes. I'm not really sure if he loves me anymore. My gut feeling is he is comfortable and although he does help out with household chores and things, I take care of everything (from cooking, grocery shopping, bills, medical appts, to everything with the baby). My husband does not even take medicine without asking me what he should take. Then, of course, if it doesn't work it becomes my fault because that's what I told him to take. With the job, he makes 2x what I make and we make enough to afford a lot of extras in our life. Yes, he would like to have a bigger house in a better neighborhood but there is a trade off. We could have that bigger house and not afford all of the luxuries we enjoy now. When it comes to position in life, my husband is extremely dissatisfied. He is very entitled (to the point that he feels he should never have to wait in a line). He feels that he should be independently wealthy and never have to work. I feel he is angry and resentful towards me because we have a family and responsibilities that cause us to work. I grew up in a family with a great work ethic and you do what you need to so that your family has everything they need. He grew up in a family where there was almost no work ethic and his mother stopped working because she (in her words) did her part even though they couldn't afford food or utilities at times. I am really concerned that my daughter will grow up to believe that this is what a relationship is supposed to be like.


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