# And here we go again...



## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

I'm not really looking for advice, or answers. I really already know what it's all coming to, it seems that it's only a matter of time. I guess I just need to vent. I'm really upset right now.

I married a moocher. Not just any moocher, but one who also is bi-polar, has depression, general anxiety disorder, and a rather extreme case of 'martyr syndrome'. She's a handful on a good day. I've always felt it was bait & switch simply because she was smart enough to conceal enough of those things before we married and had a child. The first 10 years she was a SAHM, and we struggled.. very bad at times, but I somehow always managed to find a way to make it work.

Well.. with the current economy, our kid old enough that she no longer needs to stay at home, and everything else, it became time for her to get a job.

To make a longer story short.. she cant keep a job. It's always something.. most of it revolves around her not being able to get along with anyone, she's very abrasive and tends to rub people the wrong way. Sometimes, she just gets a bug up her bum and can't let stupid things go. Other times, she simply reads too far into something someone says, then she creates a new mortal enemy, creates drama, and gets fired. She was fired from 3 jobs last year, and quit 3 others. This year, she's spent half of it unemployed, and got a job about 4 months ago. This is the longest she's been at a job since before we were married 13 years ago.

So, going into her 4th month, I talked with her, wanted to make sure she wasn't going to screw it up (didn't present it that way of course).. I told her that now we are making enough money to pay down some debts (we slid into debt 2 years ago when the cost of living skyrocketed and salaries didn't).. I got an opportunity to take a loan from my employer, pay down a lot of debts at once (some were critical like the power bill, we were behind), and pay back the loan quickly with a high bi-weekly payment. For two months, we would have to be thrifty, but not struggle.. and at the end, we would be back on a level playing field.

I knew she was starting to have issues at this job, with co-workers of course. I wanted to make sure she understood what I was doing- if she lost her job, this could and would absolutely crush us financially- payback of the loan was through my job, it's not an option to default. I explained this to her, and she assured me that her job was stable and her workplace was simply juvenile issues that weren't a problem.

So I took the loan.

No less than the next day, did she get in a verbal altercation with a co-worker, and it evidently got ugly. My wife sees herself as right, and the co-worker wrong. The company (much to my relief) decided to chalk it up as a personality conflict and did not discipline either of them, and basically told them to let it go and just get back to work. Well, that didn't sit well with my wife. She's got this whole righteous holier-than-thou attitude, thinks everything is simply right and wrong, and she, of course, is always right. 

I can't find a way to tell her that she's dead wrong. It would be dumb of me to even suggest it- she expects me to stand by her (again), but I just can't bring myself to do it.. I see her losing her job this week just based on her attitude about the whole thing. It will devastate us financially, and I believe this is the last straw for me.

What it really comes down to is that she doesn't want to work. She would rather sit at home all day playing stupid facebook games. She creates conflict and drama at every job she's ever had, and been fired from more jobs in one year than I've had in my whole life. I'm just sick of it. Sick of her.

Thanks for listening.

(edit) oh- one thing to add- I can't just tell her she's wrong about ANYTHING. Before I can even finish saying it, she's already nailed herself to a cross and makes ME out to be the bad guy.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

That sounds horrible  It sounds like the writing is on the wall, eh?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Yes it sounds awful.

So sorry you're in this situation.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you tried not giving her access to any money?


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

turnera said:


> Have you tried not giving her access to any money?


I control all household finances- her spending habits aren't really an issue, she just can't handle the management. 

The point I was making about tight finances is simply that the cost of living for the entire household does exceed my income, and at least a minor income from her is needed. She once got a min. wage job for about 15-20 hours a week, that barely broke us even.. so at least full time min wage is needed. She makes somewhere around $11 now, but all she does is complain about the work, the people, etc.. Like always. She's miserable. I'm miserable in her presence. I can't even discuss it with her, or she just blames her life's problems on me. She expects me to fix it all, but doesn't understand that it takes work.

I think I figured out where her severe disconnect is: Television. It occurred to me today that she derives all of her ideals, morals, and such from TV. Everything to her is a righteous battle. She doesn't seem to comprehend that on TV, issues are addressed and resolved in happy slappy manners, everyone does the right thing.. good always wins in the end.. etc..

The reality is that life is HARD, not a 10-minute rocky scene working out in a barn then winning... it takes hard work all day long. People are jerks. Co-workers will slack and management will let people get away with things, and others not. Life is unfair. She clearly knows this stuff, but lives in an alternate universe when it comes to resolutions for it. She can't stop worrying about what other people do, or are up to, and just worry about herself. 

Ugg, now I'm preaching. I so just want out of this nightmare.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, I meant pull back the money. If she doesn't have easy access to whatever cash she wants, she'll get uncomfortable. And be moved to change something.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

divorce her while she has a job.

just sayin.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Has she faced any consequences from you for that type of behavior?? And is she on any medication or does she go to therapy? 

Because if she has the mental health issues you claim which sounds likely especially with her job history, it's probably unrealistic to expect her to hold a job anyway unless she's medicated and sees a psychiatrist on a regular basis.

Being fired that many times and quitting that many times in such a short time period just isn't normal.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

So many parallels to my partners situation with his ex that it is scary. No words of wisdom but just wanted to say all the best to you.

Do you have a short/medium/long term plan worked out?


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