# Texting a co worker, deleting the texts



## march16 (Mar 16, 2013)

We have been married 10 years, we were at a football game and he loaned me his phone, I noticed in the inbox the first line of a message from an unknown name to me, that was really strange, I took the phone with me to the toilets - feeling really guilty for snooping - and found more txts to the same number, with strange comments with sexual references such as "you had sex yet " "will you be at work in the morning" etc. Dont panic I thought and went back to the game - not seeing the rest of it. When we got home he went to bed and then I had a real good snoop through contacts other messages etc, all normal messages were still there not deleted, but he has cleared the messages I saw and there are no other messages from this surname now. Went to bed, no sleep, he gets up to go to work, when he goes I ring the number witholding our phone number, a female voice says leave a message. Go to my friends leave kids with her and confront him when he gets home, 'We are just friends, it is a silly work thing we flirt as a fun thing to break the boredom, the txting has just started and he admits hes crossed the line with the txting. Shes just one of the guys he says. Should I ask one of his workmates if he thinks I should be alarmed, see what they think of the after hours txts?
Im really taken back, and heartbroken, he knows he has really hurt me, but went off to a wedding function, a workmate and left me at home, he assured me that she is not there. he txt me just before asking if im alright ..... no i am not!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I am so sorry. Your h is in a full blown affair and trying to rug sweep it. Someone here will definitely tell you what the best course of action is next. Good luck to you! 

It is not snooping looking through his texts. You should never be ashamed of it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

march16 said:


> We have been married 10 years, we were at a football game and he loaned me his phone, I noticed in the inbox the first line of a message from an unknown name to me, that was really strange, I took the phone with me to the toilets - feeling really guilty for snooping - and found more txts to the same number, with strange comments with sexual references such as "you had sex yet " "will you be at work in the morning" etc. Dont panic I thought and went back to the game - not seeing the rest of it. When we got home he went to bed and then I had a real good snoop through contacts other messages etc, all normal messages were still there not deleted, but he has cleared the messages I saw and there are no other messages from this surname now. Went to bed, no sleep, he gets up to go to work, when he goes I ring the number witholding our phone number, a female voice says leave a message. Go to my friends leave kids with her and confront him when he gets home, 'We are just friends, it is a silly work thing we flirt as a fun thing to break the boredom, the txting has just started and he admits hes crossed the line with the txting. *Shes just one of the guys* he says. Should I ask one of his workmates if he thinks I should be alarmed, see what they think of the after hours txts?
> Im really taken back, and heartbroken, he knows he has really hurt me, but went off to a wedding function, a workmate and left me at home, he assured me that she is not there. he txt me just before asking if im alright ..... no i am not!


Well, no she isn't. Or else why no flirty comments to the other guys at work? 

Leaving you by yourself knowing the mental state you must be in? That's callous.

Do you think it is a physical affair?

What do you want to happen? You should be in the driver's seat, here. He needs to show remorse.


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## march16 (Mar 16, 2013)

Sitting here waiting for him to get home. He does not know it but today i figured out how to track who he sends txts to through our providers website, and I can call his message box and check messages, I am going to see what emerges over the next few days, unfortunately I am obsessed with this and have checked the activity every 5 minutes today, he sent out a message to her half an hour after I talked to him, but nothing further today.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Dont tip your hand too early if youre ttying to figure out whats going on. Hes not going to admit to anything you cant prove and if he is having an affair hell just go underground making it even harder to get evidence. Also if u wind up confronting him dont tell him how u found out.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You should collect as much evidence as you can. Then confront.

He will probably, rationalise, rug sweep, blame you etc but stand firm. 

Tell him that even if it was just flirting that he has been having an emotional affair, hiding things from you, and doing things with another woman that should be reserved for you only.

That you don't trust him because he has broken your trust. 

He needs to agree to go no contact with this woman and look for another job if need be.

He should also be willing to to marriage counselling, give every single detail if you ask for with complete honesty, because anything less will harm your marriage further. 

And he should know what he has risked.


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## march16 (Mar 16, 2013)

I dont know if its physical, i dont think so, but 24 hours ago i had no idea there was an emotional one either


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

I found out my WH was texting someone last November. He too swore it was just texting.

He was lying.

It was a full-blown PA.

Sorry. I know you want to cling on to what he is telling you. I know how much you desperately want to believe that it's the truth.

They only admit what you can prove. I was told that last November and I didn't want to believe it. He wouldn't lie to me, I thought. I was wrong. He lied to me at every stage of this affair. He lied to me even when I found evidence that he had met her and had meals with her. He said it wasn't sex, just dates.

He didn't tell the truth until I had an email from her in my hand telling me all the gory details! He looked into my eyes, held my hand and swore they hadn't had sex. He LIED! They had.

Cheaters lie.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

march16 said:


> I dont know if its physical, i dont think so, but 24 hours ago i had no idea there was an emotional one either


You're doing the right thing. I'm a guy with female coworkers; something is definitely up. Could be as little as flirting texts with the potential to become more ... or a full blown affair. Personally I doubt it is an affair ... yet. It is how it starts and he likes and is responding to the attention. He hasn't cut it off so he is capable of getting sucked in.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

march16 said:


> I dont know if its physical, i dont think so, but 24 hours ago i had no idea there was an emotional one either


March16, what is your gut feeling on this?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

march16 said:


> Sitting here waiting for him to get home. He does not know it but today i figured out how to track who he sends txts to through our providers website, and I can call his message box and check messages, I am going to see what emerges over the next few days, unfortunately I am obsessed with this and have checked the activity every 5 minutes today, he sent out a message to her half an hour after I talked to him, but nothing further today.


Why would he text her when he's with her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

march16 said:


> We have been married 10 years, we were at a football game and he loaned me his phone, I noticed in the inbox the first line of a message from an unknown name to me, that was really strange, I took the phone with me to the toilets - feeling really guilty for snooping - and found more txts to the same number, with strange comments with sexual references such as "you had sex yet " "will you be at work in the morning" etc. Dont panic I thought and went back to the game - not seeing the rest of it. When we got home he went to bed and then I had a real good snoop through contacts other messages etc, *all normal messages were still there not deleted, but he has cleared the messages I saw and there are no other messages from this surname now*. Went to bed, no sleep, he gets up to go to work, when he goes I ring the number witholding our phone number, a female voice says leave a message. Go to my friends leave kids with her and confront him when he gets home, 'We are just friends, it is a silly work thing we flirt as a fun thing to break the boredom, the txting has just started and he admits hes crossed the line with the txting. Shes just one of the guys he says. Should I ask one of his workmates if he thinks I should be alarmed, see what they think of the after hours txts?
> Im really taken back, and heartbroken, he knows he has really hurt me, but *went off to a wedding function, a workmate and left me at home, he assured me that she is not there*. he txt me just before asking if im alright ..... no i am not!


Why would she not be invited to the wedding?

He is there telling everyone how you were sick or had other plans and couldn't make it. She is there, too.

No one deletes only the texts from one person unless something funny is going on with that person.

I would assume it is a physical affair. There are very few texting-only affairs between co-workers. It escalates to physical pretty quickly.

Assume the worst, hope for the best.

Consider buying a voice-activated recorder and some heavy-duty velcro and putting it in his car. That usually gives you the answer within a few days.

Do not bring the subject up again with him again. Let him think you forgot about it.

You have a tough road ahead. He works with her and they are sexually interested in each other, most likely already acting on it. After you get your evidence, what will be your next step? Will you be comfortable with them working together?

You are shocked and can't believe what is happening, but on this forum we have seen it many times, so we already know what is going to happen. It's like watching a bad TV movie, you know what the villain is up to, what he's going to say and do. 

Cheaters follow a script. "She's just a co-worker," "she's just a friend," "it's only texting," "we crossed a line," are all really, really bad signs. If there really was nothing to it, he would have been able to explain it all to you in a fair amount of detail in a couple of minutes in a way that made perfect sense to you. Instead, you got vague statements that make no sense. The explanation you got just leaves you wondering exactly what he is up to. And when that's the case, usually you can assume the worst.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Why would he text her when he's with her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Most likely, most co-workers don't know they are having an affair. If they were alone together, then there would be no need for texting. But at a crowded wedding filled with co-workers, they would need to keep it under wraps and probably would do a little texting to each other during the reception.

"Meet me by the front door in two minutes."

"I can't wait to get you alone later."

Stuff like that.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> He is there telling everyone how you were sick or had other plans and couldn't make it. She is there, too.


Sorry, OP - but I agree with Will on this one.

Any way you can get to the wedding function?


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Robsia said:


> Cheaters lie.


Yes, we do...and we are very good at it.

.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

You confronted too early. You should have gone through ALL his text messages.

You did not "snoop" because it is your husbands phone. Snooping doesn't exist regarding spouses. Privacy is for restroom use only. Those who blame shift and accuse are being ridiculous.

Your situation is all too common. A cookie cutter scenario. Cheaters follow a script, its easy to predict and always the same. Betrayed partners also follow a script, which is bad. They ignore their gut reaction, they feel as if they need to control themselves and that they have gone too far. 

This is an extreme situation which needs radical measures. Be radical. Gather some evidence. Grab the history of the communication between them through the phone bill. 

If he uses a computer often, install a keylogger. You can retreive PW etc, everything he types you can see it on the program. Try logging on to his personal emails, FB account, cell phone account etc.

If he is constantly on his cell phone, wait until his guard is down and borrow it and install a KEYLOGGER on his cell phone and you can monitor his activity.

Does he talk on the phone with this phone number or is it solely text? If you check the phone bills you can see if he does or not, and if he does, buy a couple of VAR (voice activated recorders) and leave one in his car and when it is there for a couple of days remove it, place the other one there while you listen to the 1st VAR.



How much evidence do you need to understand that this is more than just a friendship?


The most important step, after you have all your evidence, is EXPOSE.

Expose far and wide, EXPOSE to his mother, father. Expose at work, if there is an HR department, and they are using company phones or emails to have unnecessary conversations which are completely unprofessional and very inappropriate, sexual, and it needs to cease and desist. 

Remember if he has a company phone, do not tamper with it, same goes for any company property.

You can VAR anything, its your right, some states do not allow recording of phone conversations without the consent of one person but you're not using this in court, etc which presents the next point.


NEVER tell him where you got your info.
NEVER tell him how much info you have.


Aside from all of that, gather strength for when you build up the evidence.

AFter you confront use the 180 for yourself, think better, clearer, less static/flak, distractions.

The Healing Heart: The 180

YOu did not sleep the first night. Give yourself a dedicated time of the day to think about it, then put it all off for the next day. Worry about things tomorrow. Don't produce a OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) behavior by checking every 5 minutes. Let it build and check ever so often. 


Stay cool, calm and have your mind collected and reset EVERY day. I am sure I've missed a lot, probably haven't covered all the bases but there are plenty of people on TAM who are experts.

Let us know how you are doing.


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## stuck in los angeles (Feb 15, 2013)

Sorry this is happening to you. When I started having suspicions, I should have sought advice from the web first before confronting. Instead I turned to a friend that gave me terrible advice to just confront and ask. I had no real proof, just that gut feeling that she had not been herself, seemed suddenly more secretive, not into the marriage and was working lots of overtime even on the weekends. So I did confront her and of coarse was given excuses for everything. If there was any evidence, she surely cleaned it up and was a lot more careful after that. The bad thing about affairs at work is that they can keep the great majority of communications on work phones and work email and you will have no way of intercepting. Keep reading here and you will gain a lot of good info on how to get to the bottom of this. It will help if you're a little bit tech savy too, but it's not too hard to figure out how to use electronic devices to help you out. Get the book "Not Just Friends" too. They all say they're "just friends".


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

stuck in los angeles said:


> Sorry this is happening to you. When I started having suspicions, I should have sought advice from the web first before confronting. Instead I turned to a friend that gave me terrible advice to just confront and ask. I had no real proof, just that gut feeling that she had not been herself, seemed suddenly more secretive, not into the marriage and was working lots of overtime even on the weekends. So I did confront her and of coarse was given excuses for everything. If there was any evidence, she surely cleaned it up and was a lot more careful after that. The bad thing about affairs at work is that they can keep the great majority of communications on work phones and work email and you will have no way of intercepting. Keep reading here and you will gain a lot of good info on how to get to the bottom of this. It will help if you're a little bit tech savy too, but it's not too hard to figure out how to use electronic devices to help you out. Get the book "Not Just Friends" too. They all say they're "just friends".



Jobs that exacerbate the situation need to be done for or asked for a transfer if you ever want to have the possibility of R.

Its like being married to an alcoholic that wishes to keep working at the liquor store. He's going to always be tempted to drink after work, before work, on the weekends, and take some alcohol with him on picnics, to the movies, and whenever you are away.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If he hasn't texted anymore it might be because she is there.

Have you looked at the bill and counted their texts and found how longthey have been texting?

Why ddidn't you go with him?


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

chapparal said:


> If he hasn't texted anymore it might be because she is there.
> 
> Have you looked at the bill and counted their texts and found how longthey have been texting?
> 
> Why ddidn't you go with him?


Did he even invite you to the wedding? Did he suggest you "stay home, you need to rest, you won't know anyone there, you'll be uncomfortable because it gets crazy etc"?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

old timer said:


> Yes, we do...and we are very good at it.
> 
> .


I'm not gonna "like" the post...but I certainly agree with it. We are good at it...or at least we got good at it over time. 

And it bothers me that there was a text from one to the other which said "you had sex yet "...That's sick. That's not something a man should be talking with a woman about...unless it is a doctor/patient situation.

Regarding the wedding...why did you, OP, not go with him? That makes no sense to me. I'm sorry, but if my husband is invited to a wedding, then I am as well...if I am excluded for some reason, there is no way in hell he's going to it without me...and vice versa. So...why did you stay home?

Also, when he texted asking if you were ok, how did you respond? I'd have said "No, I'm not ok. Why would you think I would be?"... but that's just me.


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## stuck in los angeles (Feb 15, 2013)

A text between the two of them at the wedding could have been anything like "Are you here yet?", "You ready to get out of here?", "Meet me at my car.", or any number of things. People also text when close by if it's something they can't say out loud.

What kind of phone is it? Deleted texts can often be recovered is done quicklyenough.


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## march16 (Mar 16, 2013)

My gut feeling is I have caught it at the very beginning, the phone records show the texts only started 2 days ago and nothing for the last month before that. But my gut is also asking me how far would it have gone. He has to stay in the job - small town, lucky to have one, there is no technology involved in the workplace, so no emails etc, and a large number of people work in the room.
The wedding is a long story, a lot of work mates invited with no partners due to budget etc, again small town, it checks out with other wives not going. I have no idea how to find out if the girl was there, other than seeming like a stalker and checking with one of the guys if she was there. Thanks for your advice everyone I really need it, feeling so lost.


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## stuck in los angeles (Feb 15, 2013)

I hope you're correct. Maybe it's time for some marital counseling. Is the marriage otherwise healthy? Affairs are often the result of a marriage that's broken or neglected.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

The comment asking "have you had sex yet" is indeed disturbing, as mentioned above. 

I hope he's not asking that because she's super young and possibly a virgin.


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## march16 (Mar 16, 2013)

no she is in a relationship to and they joke between each other about sex at home with their partners


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

march16 said:


> no she is in a relationship to and they joke between each other about sex at home with their partners


Uhhhh... they joke about that? I'm sorry, I'd be livid. It's none of her business if he's "had sex yet" and vice versa.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

march16 said:


> no she is in a relationship to and they joke between each other about sex at home with their partners


Please read "Not Just Friends". 

That's totally unacceptable and inappropriate, but your gut already told you that. 

You'll get a lot if great advice here, sorry I cannot offer much other than the book recommendation. Feel free to message me for support, as I've been in a similar situation.


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## march16 (Mar 16, 2013)

At home today feeling like ive been hit by a bus, I have installed keylogger on the computer so I can get access to the facebook account and anything else, they will be at work looking accross the room at each other like they said in their txts. Waiting till after work time to see if any more txts are sent after work time today. this sucks.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Hang in there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

If you are catching it early like you think.... You have to put an end to it now! Don't believe anything your H says about her. Tell him in no certain terms that hiding stuff from you is a divorceable (if that is even a word) offense. Tell him if she is just a friend and like a guy, he should have no problem with you meeting her.... See how he reacts to that request. Good luck.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Im sorry March, i remember the obsession with checking the phone records and keylogger. I checked the phone records so much they froze the account at one point because they thought it had been hacked. Just becareful and dont give away your sources.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## march16 (Mar 16, 2013)

No more texts yet, have the facebook password now through keylogger and no activity on there. They have talked at work and agree that they went to far texting, both agree that they would have hated it if they were in my position, they have agreed not to tell her partner about it because it was a silly mistake. Isn't it nice that they get to make all of these decisions? I am watching, and I will be letting the partner know if anything else happens or - EVEN ONE LITTLE - detail that I do not know about comes out. The fact that they have the opportunity to talk like this really pisses me off.
Even so, getting over that horrible depressed state now....and starting to get angry - wtf is a woman thinking texting 'a friend' who is married with kids, silly texts like that! And - yes I know this is stalkerish but I want to know what she looks like - I think there is a little part of me that is self loathing at the moment and wants to go ..... "well, shes pretty, you should have lifted your game", I just want to know his fascination I guess. He said "You would really like her, you would actually get along", I said "I can guarantee you that we NEVER will get along", duh! Sorry rant over.
Sharing the stories and advice given here have helped me through a few dark hours over the last few days, thanks everyone, and good luck to you all too.
ps I only checked the phone account 2x today


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

I KWYM - I was curious about what the OW looked like also. I know she was blonde, slim (size 6 FFS - I'm a 12 so that hurt) and a little older than me, but still younger than WH.

I was tempted to ask her for a pic, but figured that would be stalkery.

But the comment about you and her getting along was grossly and unbelievably insensitive to your feelings.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

march16 said:


> Even so, getting over that horrible depressed state now....and starting to get angry - wtf is a woman thinking texting 'a friend' who is married with kids, silly texts like that! And - yes I know this is stalkerish but I want to know what she looks like - I think there is a little part of me that is self loathing at the moment and wants to go ..... "well, shes pretty, you should have lifted your game", I just want to know his fascination I guess. He said "You would really like her, you would actually get along", I said "I can guarantee you that we NEVER will get along", duh! Sorry rant over.


GLAD to see you are channeling correctly and NOT blaming yourself. See way too much of that here.

1) What Will and clean jerk snatch said.
2) This is the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. Pretend you have forgiven and forgotten. You need evidence one way or another. VAR the car is probably the best option if he talks to her. The problem is if you push you will drive the affair IF THERE IS ONE even further underground
I know some have said PA for sure. It could be just wildly inappropriate texting. Still bad but not a PA.
3) Yea you confronted too early... The priest/pastor does not give you a "if you think your spouse is cheating" speech in the counseling they require. So I get it.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

march16 said:


> no she is in a relationship to and they joke between each other about sex at home with their partners


this is a sticking point that occurred between my fiance and his EA. He claimed that he was trying to tell her a funny story which ended up revealing that we had had sex. I'm wondering if he had bought in to that belief that women love men with a sense of humor.

In any case, this is one of the many reasons why men and women can't be friends. She soon took that information about our sex life, asked more questions and then later used that information against me, ie, You haven't had sex with her in while you should drop her.

The other thing that I think is interesting is that while my fiancé told her the "funny" story face to face. She made a clear reference to it in text. It makes me wonder if that was to make easy for me to learn this.

No intentions to threadjack here, just pointing out where these types of conversations --even among "friends" -- can go.


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## march16 (Mar 16, 2013)

A quick update, no further texts have been exchanged, but because they see each other at work every day that means nothing. It is going to be a long journey back to trusting him ever again. The initial 'being nice and caring' to me period is over and we are now very distant to each other. I have so many things that I still need to be brought out in the open and keep running scenarios through my head, but I haven't got the words to start the conversation - to get it out there. We both have our heads in the sand I think. Unhappy, lonely, trying to keep upbeat and 'normal' to the outside world. Reading other peoples stories helps.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

march16 said:


> A quick update, no further texts have been exchanged, but because they see each other at work every day that means nothing. It is going to be a long journey back to trusting him ever again. The initial 'being nice and caring' to me period is over and we are now very distant to each other. I have so many things that I still need to be brought out in the open and keep running scenarios through my head, but I haven't got the words to start the conversation - to get it out there. We both have our heads in the sand I think. Unhappy, lonely, trying to keep upbeat and 'normal' to the outside world. Reading other peoples stories helps.


There is the very real possibility that, if they have gone underground, that he now has a burner phone. VAR the car.


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