# Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"



## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

*Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

Tonight, I stepped out of the fog I'VE been trapped in.

My husband... he's been abusive. And though he has "attempted" to make things right.... he's still being emotionally abusive. He does not understand that 3 years of lying and cheating, and making me take the blame, and allowing me to apologize.. well, it has taken a mighty big toll on me. 

I don't know who I am as a person anymore.
I don't know right from wrong.
I don't feel like I can do right by him.
I am scared of him, honest to God, scared of him.
I feel like this "trying".... is just another time, like all the times before.. that he will trick me.

And all this made me think about our past.

How he allowed me to beg to be the wife "he deserved" and beg for another chance when I knew he had cheated... and he said it was ok, and he continued to cheat after telling me that we would work things out.

After threatening suicide when I told him I'd had enough, and I was done..... and letting me fall back into the insecure woman that took all the blame... He has been so hateful, I'm scared to accept his acts of "love and affection" because I am not sure if they are sincere or not... I don't know my own husband!!

How he grabbed my daughter's toy from her hand when he was angry at me, before she could walk, and threw it across the room.

How he yelled at her and told her if she wet the bed, she would sleep in it because he wasn't cleaning it up!

... and..so much more. so much more.. it just keeps coming to me, all the things I've suppressed from my memory.. it's starting to come back... 

I know a part of me wants to kick him out, and I know a part of me will still hope for him to come running after me and seek help to change. No matter what I do I can't make him see the abuse he's putting on me and his daughter.

He is sleeping on the couch.. and I just can't calm my brain down enough to lay down on the bed.

A part of me wants to wake him up and tell him to leave... he has options. He could go to his Uncle's house.. 

But I know this is bad timing.. it's 1:50am and a part of me fears he would call the OW and go crash at her place.. or go to one of the random's from craigslists house... that he "only got a blowjob from".... because I demanded to know where it was..and he was able to show me... He remembers what house, he remembers where.... He could just go to their house.. He could if he wanted.

What do I do?

Do I let this eat at me until morning? Until our daughter is safe at daycare.. and he has had a night of sleep...??

Or do I wake him up now and tell him to get out??


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

Do I pack a bag for him? Do I set it by the door? 

Do I do nothing? 

Do I just not talk to him.. do I wait for him to figure it out?

Do I sneak out without him hearing me, take my daughter to school, and leave for school myself without waking him??? Let him wake up to an empty house?

Do I act like I hate him, even if I want him to grab me and hold me until I fall apart??

What do I do??


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

Hope you are ok?
So what did you decide? I hope you made the right decision for you and you child however difficult. I think you have reached the point where you know what needs to be done.
Be strong and stay safe and let us know how you are.
Come on, you can do it. You and your child do not deserve to live like this.
Hugs x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

You find somewhere safe you can go with your daughter. There are shelters where you can find some safety and some counseling. Even if you are not in physical danger, your mind is not in a good place and you do need some counseling; you may not realize this until later. You take some things and go there when he isn't home. You contact him and let him know that you will not accept his abusive behavior any longer and that you would like him to leave. You explain to him very simply why so that he understands that you are asking this because of his cheating and abuse. And, don't give him a chance to blame-shift or gas-light you; be brief in your explanation because he'll dispute all the rest until you aren't sure of yourself any longer. Perhaps you can speak to him in a public place like a cafe, someplace where you have privacy, but where you are not isolated in case things go awry. You ask people who you do trust to be there when he takes what he needs and what is his; his friends or family, yours, police, whatever you think makes sense and won't make things worse. If he is unwilling or not inclined to go, then you go. 

It is not wise to stay in a situation which involves both abuse and infidelity. If your WH respects you so little and you never follow through on your boundaries and never let him know that there are consequences for crossing those lines of trust and respect and safety, then he will keep doing more and doing worse and when it escalates, you don't know where it will stop. You must be strong enough to stop enabling his behavior, strong enough to keep yourself and your daughter safe, and strong enough to show him that he is hurting you. He will never change if he cannot, himself, see that he is wrong. Until he recognizes that he has hurt you and crossed a line, he will never ever see that the line exists and that his behavior is hurtful and unacceptable and he will never even have a chance at change. And you should not have to feel unsafe in your own life. You do not deserve to be the punching bag for his own insecurities, issues, or frustrated notions of privilege.

Just my opinion. If you feel like your life is in danger, though, leave right now. He can take care of himself and, as you mentioned, he has all the other OWs there, too. No matter how you handle this or how kind you are to him, he will likely turn to them for support anyway. But, you are risking more in choosing inaction out of fear of this than you are in being honest and standing up for yourself and your daughter.


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*



daisygirl 41 said:


> Hope you are ok?
> So what did you decide? I hope you made the right decision for you and you child however difficult. I think you have reached the point where you know what needs to be done.
> Be strong and stay safe and let us know how you are.
> Come on, you can do it. You and your child do not deserve to live like this.
> ...


I think I have but I know a part of me still expects that he'll come back...

I know I can't expect that. That I need to be 100% confident that this is the right decision, and I can do this without him...

It's just so hard to let go of the "family" I had in mind when he promised me the world. 

But I'm not the reason for this family falling apart.. he is..

All my fears are coming up.

Him moving on, me having a "part time child".... the new woman in his future playing "mommy" to MY CHILD...... 

But.. I can't think of that right now.

I cannot make him realize.. I cannot make him see.... And I cannot continue to live this way, and I will not allow my daughter to grow up and suffer what I have suffered. One day, she will marry a man JUST LIKE HER FATHER.

That's what my husband is.. He is just like my ass hole father.



So ..... How do I do this?


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*



desert-rose said:


> You find somewhere safe you can go with your daughter. There are shelters where you can find some safety and some counseling. Even if you are not in physical danger, your mind is not in a good place and you do need some counseling; you may not realize this until later. You take some things and go there when he isn't home. You contact him and let him know that you will not accept his abusive behavior any longer and that you would like him to leave. You explain to him very simply why so that he understands that you are asking this because of his cheating and abuse. And, don't give him a chance to blame-shift or gas-light you; be brief in your explanation because he'll dispute all the rest until you aren't sure of yourself any longer. Perhaps you can speak to him in a public place like a cafe, someplace where you have privacy, but where you are not isolated in case things go awry. You ask people who you do trust to be there when he takes what he needs and what is his; his friends or family, yours, police, whatever you think makes sense and won't make things worse. If he is unwilling or not inclined to go, then you go.
> 
> It is not wise to stay in a situation which involves both abuse and infidelity. If your WH respects you so little and you never follow through on your boundaries and never let him know that there are consequences for crossing those lines of trust and respect and safety, then he will keep doing more and doing worse and when it escalates, you don't know where it will stop. You must be strong enough to stop enabling his behavior, strong enough to keep yourself and your daughter safe, and strong enough to show him that he is hurting you. He will never change if he cannot, himself, see that he is wrong. Until he recognizes that he has hurt you and crossed a line, he will never ever see that the line exists and that his behavior is hurtful and unacceptable and he will never even have a chance at change. And you should not have to feel unsafe in your own life. You do not deserve to be the punching bag for his own insecurities, issues, or frustrated notions of privilege.
> 
> Just my opinion. If you feel like your life is in danger, though, leave right now. He can take care of himself and, as you mentioned, he has all the other OWs there, too. No matter how you handle this or how kind you are to him, he will likely turn to them for support anyway. But, you are risking more in choosing inaction out of fear of this than you are in being honest and standing up for yourself and your daughter.



Thank you.. thank you for reassuring me that even in the worst case scenario, I have help out there.

I don't want to take my daughter out of the house - she has struggled so much having a father in the military, with his deployment and leaving for training.... she doesn't do well with too much change at once. I need him to leave. She needs to stay here. We live with my mom at the moment... We were supposed to move with him to california in a few months, he leaves for california in mid January.... He will have a 2 year contract then.. 

So, he will be the one leaving. My daughter is not going to suffer anymore for his mistakes.

But, if he becomes violent (I highly doubt he would do such a thing)... thank you, I will not let my fear get the best of me.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

Ask him to leave for a few days. Make it clear that if he wants to go to the OW then he can , but that he can not come back. 
I would not leave the house at all.


CALM DOWN.

Tomorrow you need to start your healing process. Your very raw and perhaps you should see a Doctor to get some help .. This will help you sleep and get control.

Don't worry about the loss of family at the moment. There is a lot of water to flow under the bridge before you have to worry about that.

Stay calm. 

Don't make ANY DECISIONS right now.

If you drink. 

ONE glass of brandy, add warm water, and a small amount of sugar.


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*



ing said:


> Ask him to leave for a few days. Make it clear that if he wants to go to the OW then he can , but that he can not come back.
> I would not leave the house at all.
> 
> 
> ...


I have seen my doctor. I saw her the day after I found out about his cheating.... I went in to get checked for every STD under the sun.. blood drawn and everything.

That day, she wanted to send me to a psychiatric hospital. I politely declined, but only because I allowed her to call my mom to ask her to keep an eye on me over the weekend. Then to see her again on Monday, and whenever she felt necessary. 

She prescribed me Xanax and Lexapro.. I haven't really taken them.

Then, Wednesday I fell out in the middle of class to sudden pain. I was rushed to the ER with what people thought was anything from an ectopic pregnancy to appendicitis... No, thank goodness... It was a kidney stone on top of an ovarian cyst.

Due to that, I was put on dilaudid which made me loopy. I was knocked out for a whole weekend due to it. And now I'm taking an anti-bacterial med for the UTI that the kidney stone caused... as well as Hydrocodone for pain and Phenergen for nausea... (spelling?)

I take them as little as need be.. literally wait for the onset of pain before I even consider it.... but I'm just saying.. even with these drugs my dr. prescribed to help me calm down and cope with the shock of 3 years of infidelity, lying and emotional abuse..... I can't take them because of the other medication I am on. I'm like a walking pharmacy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

You need a plan. Take your child to school in the morning. It’s only a few hours away. 

If you have joint bank accounts with him. Go open checking/savings accounts in your name only and move ¾’s of the money into your name… your half and child support. Keep good records to prove you did not steal.
Then tell him to leave… 
If you live with your mom, ask her to help you here. Tell him to leave. Make sure you mom is at home and around when you do this. Do not have your child with you when you do this. Have your mother watch her in another room. But she can be aware, listening and keeping an eye on things.

If he becomes violent call 911, or have your mom do it. If he's out of hand they will remove him. 
Don’t worry about him going to the OW’s place to stay. His moving in with her would be cause that relationship to end fairly quickly. It will put 100% of the responsibility of meeting his needs on her. It’s not going to go well for him. It’s an affair.. she’s not looking to meet his needs 100%.

Go see an attorney ASAP and get a divorce in motion. It can always be stopped if needed


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

I'm calm.. I am no longer playing little mind movies in my head of me walking over to the couch on which he sleeps so soundly, and hitting him over the head with a frying pan...

I am not shaking over the urge to wake him.... 

But I am not able to rest, myself. I've gone without sleep a dozen nights since Dday.. I'm ok.

I've already taken my pain med and due to my rage, it seems to have a weakened effect on me.

He has my wedding band. Now, this may sound odd... but the majority of the wedding bands worth is from the diamond in the middle. Though he refused I told him it was OK to use that diamond... my diamond from another piece of jewelry I was holding on to.... It's worth 4k alone.... I'm afraid he might go on with his choice to pawn this ring.......


Do I find it, and take it?

Or do I cut my losses?

I also sold some of my gold jewelry from childhood today.. because we are struggling. He is holding on to $425 of it.. I have $100 of it. 

Should I grab the remainder from his wallet?

The right thing for him to do would be continue to support me and our daughter... even after I kick him out.

But I fear he may not, I fear he may just cut me off of the account, or take any little money we have left in there. I have a place to stay until June... I have two months of school left and then I have Career Development to take advantage of for help with job placement. I have options.. but I also need financial help right now. 

He got me in this position. he said it was OK to go to school, then scolded me for not contributing to the account..... I feel bad for expecting his help but at the same time..... I feel that it's the least he "owes" me after all this.


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

If he threatens to take away financial support, and he is military... are emails with attached pictures - of himself - enough to prove his infidelity?

Are text logs to the numbers in said emails matched to his phone.. enough to back this up?

I fear if he refuses to support us... he will deny deny deny when I try any options I have to get the support we are due... and my "proof" will be laughed at as if falsified.... I know what he's done.. but he's such a good manipulator..

I have his email! I have his postings from over a year long.. many postings on craigslist!.... I just don't want people to disregard me....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*



GoingNowhere said:


> He has my wedding band. Now, this may sound odd... but the majority of the wedding bands worth is from the diamond in the middle. Though he refused I told him it was OK to use that diamond... my diamond from another piece of jewelry I was holding on to.... It's worth 4k alone.... I'm afraid he might go on with his choice to pawn this ring....... .
> Do I find it, and take it?
> Or do I cut my losses?


If you can find it, take it. Otherwise just cut your losses. Do you have an appraisal of it? Photos? Keep those because you can ask for that amount in a divorce settlement.



GoingNowhere said:


> I also sold some of my gold jewelry from childhood today.. because we are struggling. He is holding on to $425 of it.. I have $100 of it.
> 
> Should I grab the remainder from his wallet?


Yes take the money from his wallet, if you can do it before he wakes up.


GoingNowhere said:


> The right thing for him to do would be continue to support me and our daughter... even after I kick him out.
> 
> But I fear he may not, I fear he may just cut me off of the account, or take any little money we have left in there. I have a place to stay until June... I have two months of school left and then I have Career Development to take advantage of for help with job placement. I have options.. but I also need financial help right now.


He cannot cut you out of any bank account with your name… he would have to close the account down. See my previous post about you taking the money. You have a child. If there is very little in the account take it all.



GoingNowhere said:


> He got me in this position. he said it was OK to go to school, then scolded me for not contributing to the account..... I feel bad for expecting his help but at the same time..... I feel that it's the least he "owes" me after all this.


Does he work for a living? Is he in the military? He will have to support you until the divorce if final. And he will have to pay child support until your child is 18.

Did you get pell grants, etc for school? If you are separated you will be elegible for school grants. You might also be elegible for welfare and food stamps. Apply immediately as you will need to help to get through school and until you find a job.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

Why do you think that you need to prove infidelity?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

If your husband is in the military he will definately have to pay you support. Find an attorney who has experience with divorces from military members. The military will make sure you get at the very minium child support. 

During the divorce process there is usally interim support for the spouse who makes less. 

Your attorney can set it up so that the military sends the child support and your support directly to you or as a direct deposit to your checking account. Yet another reason to get a checking account in your name.


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

He also bought a truck.. just two weeks ago..before they messed up his package and we found out he is not getting paid for a month and a half.. 3 pay period we have to pinch pennies to get by.. and I'm primary on that truck.. oh God.. I signed as the car buyer..

I am the primary on my car and his..

what do I do in that situation.. if he does not cooperate with finances...??

Do I tell them what is going on?

Can I tell him that if he lets the payment go delinquent I'll call it in as stolen.... no.. That wouldn't be right.. he IS co-buyer, anyway...

My credit is better than his.. but it's not great.. I can't let him ruin more than he has already though...... It will be hard enough getting along emotionally, let alone dealing with the legal and financial aspects of it all.


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*



EleGirl said:


> Why do you think that you need to prove infidelity?


If he refuses to help, I've heard that with him being in the military, I can go to his command.. Forgive me.. I did not grow up a military brat, my only relative who served was my uncle who died 20 years before I was born. I try to learn from my H but this is something we have not covered.. of course.

I've heard this.. I can call Military One Source and find out more info - but I was afraid to because I wasn't sure if I indicated who I was and who my husband was - if they would take action or not.. since I'm so clueless on the matter.


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

Thanks everyone, for the help. I'll check back shortly.. I'm going to grab a snack and assess the room and where his belongings are to see if I can safely grab my ring and the money...

I'll check back in, promise.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*



GoingNowhere said:


> He also bought a truck.. just two weeks ago..before they messed up his package and we found out he is not getting paid for a month and a half.. 3 pay period we have to pinch pennies to get by..


Go to the food stamp office and the welfare office an apply. Tell them that you husband’s check is messed up for 1.5 months and he’s left you. You have no money. Sounds like it’s the truth.



GoingNowhere said:


> and I'm primary on that truck.. oh God.. I signed as the car buyer…
> 
> I am the primary on my car and his..
> Does this mean that the truck is in your name? Is his name on either vehicle or loan at all?
> ...


When are the vehicle payments do? I assume you have a few days, so don’t worry about them today or tomorrow. You can usually as for permission to skip one or two payments. And that does not mess up your credit rating.



GoingNowhere said:


> Can I tell him that if he lets the payment go delinquent I'll call it in as stolen.... no.. That wouldn't be right.. he IS co-buyer, anyway..


No calm down, you don’t have to solve everything today or tomorrow. When is the payment due?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*



GoingNowhere said:


> If he refuses to help, I've heard that with him being in the military, I can go to his command.. Forgive me.. I did not grow up a military brat, my only relative who served was my uncle who died 20 years before I was born. I try to learn from my H but this is something we have not covered.. of course.
> 
> I've heard this.. I can call Military One Source and find out more info - but I was afraid to because I wasn't sure if I indicated who I was and who my husband was - if they would take action or not.. since I'm so clueless on the matter.


Here is some reading for you. Do a lot of google searching. YOu'll be an expert on divorce and the military before this is over. And yes call Military One Source. I'm not sure what action they might take but it's worth seeing what they have to offer. 

Military Divorce and Separation -- ID Cards, Lawyers, and Housing

Child and Spouse Support and Garnishment in the U.S. Military


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*



EleGirl said:


> Go to the food stamp office and the welfare office an apply. Tell them that you husband’s check is messed up for 1.5 months and he’s left you. You have no money. Sounds like it’s the truth.
> 
> 
> When are the vehicle payments do? I assume you have a few days, so don’t worry about them today or tomorrow. You can usually as for permission to skip one or two payments. And that does not mess up your credit rating.
> ...


First payment is due January 7th. I was already given a grace period on MY car... where I don't have to worry about a payment until February 22.... Literally, the month I graduate, 6 days after I graduate.

Daycare is $100 per week.

Cell phones are under his name... but I've been making those payments... 

I think that's all the bills we have.. and the CC that we are paying off...

Also, under my name.

So.... Two cars, day car.. and credit card with about $800 left on the balance.. but it's through USAA who works with military/dependents.

I found $325 of the money I gave him. He has a $100 that was with it.... I'm not sure where it is. The $325 was in his jacket pocket. I'm assuming the rest is in his wallet. I'm not worried about that right now.

I know the ring is in his truck.. in the middle console. He keeps it on a keyring.. I have the truck key.. and I was going to go outside with the excuse that I just want to listen to music and smoke a cigarette.. but our street is pitch black and honestly that frightens me..

I know I can wait til morning if I plan this right... I'm just afraid that come morning, he'll be breathing down my neck..


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

I almost forgot.. The storage. All, or most of our belongings are in storage. I say the keys along with his house key and grabbed them. I know, I'm doing everything too soon, but I know I can get me and my daughter out before my mom leaves for work, he has not acted out violently so I don't suspect he will.

That's another 80 a month, as far as I know, in his name. I can find out for sure tomorrow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

The car seat is in his truck, so I'll take her to school in that. I have another car seat in the garage I'll install in my car during break at school. Ill grab the ring when I take her to school.

This is not meant to anger him though I know it will. This is not because I think he will go to these lengths but he has done things I can't even fathom, I honestly don't know what he's capable of and only want to be prepared. Had he been good to us? Yes, but he does not understand why I can't ley my guard down because this is a recurring thing... Though the cheating seems to have stopped, the emotional abuse has not. I cannot continue to be married in fear. I don't want to lose him, but I see my daughter being led in the same path I was led.. When she grows up, I want her to lok for a man like the one he used to be. One that danced with me in the kitchen and never raised his voice at me. His emotional abuse started when his cheating did, and he blames everything and everyone but who's at fault.. Himself. It started when she was one month old. She does not know the man I want her to know, the one I've been trying to hold on to, and "bring back".. She knows the man he had become...the one that reminds me of my father... An awful man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*



GoingNowhere said:


> First payment is due January 7th. I was already given a grace period on MY car... where I don't have to worry about a payment until February 22.... Literally, the month I graduate, 6 days after I graduate. ..
> Daycare is $100 per week.


Can you live with this for one or two days while you set things in motion? Or are you too scared?
Can your mom help you out at all, like pay your child care so you can fish school?
Check with your school. They might have an emergency grant program for students. Tell them about your husband not getting paid for 6 weeks. You have a baby to feed.
He will probably pay for the truck since he gets to use it. But does he have the income to pay it?


GoingNowhere said:


> Cell phones are under his name... but I've been making those payments...


If the bill is not due for a few days, you can take care of it later.



GoingNowhere said:


> I know the ring is in his truck.. in the middle console. He keeps it on a keyring.. I have the truck key.. and I was going to go outside with the excuse that I just want to listen to music and smoke a cigarette.. but our street is pitch black and honestly that frightens me..
> 
> I know I can wait til morning if I plan this right... I'm just afraid that come morning, he'll be breathing down my neck..


Why does he have your ring on his key ring?


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

I'm not afraid as in being in danger. I'm afraid he will manipulate me again.. My mind, cloud my thinking.

M ymom has helped, and had never turned down help. She is here for me.

I have never taken my ring off until this last, major D day.. The third one. I took it off and said I don't want it back until it means something to him. He has it on a key ring by itself.... It was on there along wroth my promise ring, to keep them together I guess...which I put the promise ring back on a few days ago to show him I was trying to work towards	R with him... 

But it's endless. His mind games. I can't take it anymore...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*



GoingNowhere said:


> I'm not afraid as in being in danger. I'm afraid he will manipulate me again.. My mind, cloud my thinking.
> 
> M ymom has helped, and had never turned down help. She is here for me.
> 
> ...


OK, so get your ring tomorrow. It's yours. It's not marital community property. He has no right to it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

I wonder. If you are out for the day, email him or text him and just ask him to leave. Tell him that you are done and want him out?

Does he spend much time with your daughter? Is he likely to go pick her up from day care?


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

I'm starting to think I'm over reacting. Ugh. No! I felt this way for a reason...

If I don't go through with this, he will find out. He will make me feel an ass for considering this, and out will end up with him walking away and me begging him to stay. Not this time!!

I did nothing wrong! I should not end up the pathetic beggar! He went outside or marriage! He's the one who lied and cheated and manipulated for three years! Not me! Lord, give me strength!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*



GoingNowhere said:


> I'm starting to think I'm over reacting. Ugh. No! I felt this way for a reason...
> 
> If I don't go through with this, he will find out. He will make me feel an ass for considering this, and out will end up with him walking away and me begging him to stay. Not this time!!
> 
> ...


If I remember your earlier posts correctly, he has also engaged in some very risky sexual antics that really up the likely hood of him bringing STD's home.

I cannot tell you if you are over reacting. I only know what I have read of your posts here. From what you have said, if you were my daughter (I'm 62 so forgive me if I act motherly here  ), I'd be kicking the guy out for you..


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I wonder. If you are out for the day, email him or text him and just ask him to leave. Tell him that you are done and want him out?
> 
> Does he spend much time with your daughter? Is he likely to go pick her up from day care?


I can do that. He can pick her up, he has been since I've been deep in sleep, when I do sleep, due to depression, or my meds....

But I'm close with the director, if I tell her what's going on, I'm sure she will help me, if she can't legally deny him the right to pick her up, she will at least call me if he does..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> If I remember your earlier posts correctly, he has also engaged in some very risky sexual antics that really up the likely hood of him bringing STD's home.
> 
> I cannot tell you if you are over reacting. I only know what I have read of your posts here. From what you have said, if you were my daughter (I'm 62 so forgive me if I act motherly here  ), I'd be kicking the guy out for you..


I told him that.. 

I asked him if he would point a loaded gun at me or his daughter, essentially, that's what he did... Played russian roulette with our lives, without our knowledge.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*



GoingNowhere said:


> I can do that. He can pick her up, he has been since I've been deep in sleep, when I do sleep, due to depression, or my meds....
> 
> But I'm close with the director, if I tell her what's going on, I'm sure she will help me, if she can't legally deny him the right to pick her up, she will at least call me if he does..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She cannot legally deny him the right to pick up his child as long as he's on the list of those who can pick her up.

Is there any way you can skip school tomorrow? When do you get a break for the holiday?


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

Thank you, Ele.. Once again I'm up at off hours of the night and you, a complete stranger, are helping me... Again.

Thanks for not making me feel insane...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

Do you know where there is a woman's shelter or an abuse help center in your town?


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

Since my accident with the ER happened at school, I was given an incomplete. Which is good, its extra time to get my work done and maintain my 4.0... But I have to get the work done this week, and thursday is my last day before our break. I don't think he will pick her up, it would only impose on whoever he decides to stay with...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*



GoingNowhere said:


> Thank you, Ele.. Once again I'm up at off hours of the night and you, a complete stranger, are helping me... Again.
> 
> Thanks for not making me feel insane...


I have insomnia  ... I'm also off work for 2.5 weeks for Christmas. I am supposed to do my xmas shopping tomorrow.... 

I've been where you are now. I had help that got me through it. 

You are not insane.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*



GoingNowhere said:


> Since my accident with the ER happened at school, I was given an incomplete. Which is good, its extra time to get my work done and maintain my 4.0... But I have to get the work done this week, and thursday is my last day before our break. I don't think he will pick her up, it would only impose on whoever he decides to stay with...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I just hope that you can concentrate in school tomorrow.

Is there any way that you can pick up your daughter and then text/email him to leave or not come home?

Of course he’ll go ballistic when he sees the money gone.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

By the way, does your husband know about you coming to this site?


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*



EleGirl said:


> Do you know where there is a woman's shelter or an abuse help center in your town?


I know that this is there for me to seek help - even if it's just for my state of mind. I'll give him this - he has never raised his hand at me.

But after everything.. even I said I would rather be hit by him than suffer the pain he has put me through.


But, yes... I'm in medical school and one of our past students died from domestic violence. We have an ongoing fundraiser in her honor.. always collecting clothes and food for the women's shelter.. I can always ask my instructors (as I've grown close relationships with over the past few months) to point me in the right direction..


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*



EleGirl said:


> By the way, does your husband know about you coming to this site?


I'm not sure.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*



GoingNowhere said:


> I'm not sure.


Can he get to and read the posts you are sending on your phone to this site?


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*



EleGirl said:


> Can he get to and read the posts you are sending on your phone to this site?


No.... since he was deployed, I claimed myself primary on the site, though the bill is under his name. I have the pw to access my account, with all primary functions, and the pw to access his, with limited functions.

I would be notified if either password was changed.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

Ok, so as long as you keep our phone with you.

are you going to be able to keep your mind on getting your course work done?

How much of a GPA hit would you take if you slack off with all of this going on?


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

Ugh.... a part of me just feels like I should live this way... like i can't do better and like my daughter will suffer without having her father in her life.

why do I keep doubting myself on this?? I know that if I do this.... I'm free.. and eventually I will be ok without him.... and eventually, though I'm not expecting to find someone else quickly, I want to learn to live for me..... eventually I will find love again..

OR..... my H will finally get his head out of his ass.... but then, I don't know if I could get over what he's done......

So yet again...why do I doubt myself....???

If I don't do this.... I will just let it eat away at me. I will lose all sense of self and continue to deprive my daughter from the mother she deserves. I have not been that mother because her whole life - this has been going on. I've missed out on so much, I've deprived her of so much of "me"...


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

GoingNowhere said:


> No.... since he was deployed, I claimed myself primary on the site, though the bill is under his name. I have the pw to access my account, with all primary functions, and the pw to access his, with limited functions.
> 
> I would be notified if either password was changed.


Your strength has me astounded. Baby step. Keep doing the baby steps and re-assessing. You have a good coach with EleGirl. Money and bills and credit rating - even school can be figured out later. Keep you, your mom and daughter safe. Prioritize and baby steps. Another stranger 'out there' is thinking of you and praying for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*



EleGirl said:


> Ok, so as long as you keep our phone with you.
> 
> are you going to be able to keep your mind on getting your course work done?
> 
> How much of a GPA hit would you take if you slack off with all of this going on?



My teacher said if he plugged in the grades I currently have, without me taking the final that I owe him... I would end up with a low 90 which would make my letter grade an A, still, I would have a 4.0.

I guess taking the test was sort of a pride thing. He told me i could take the test, because regardless of the grade I made, accepting a 0 would still get me the 4.0.

I know, I'm crazy. But I slacked through high school.. I wanted to apply myself. But the whole time I've been in school, I've been dealing with this... literally.. Two weeks after I started was DDay #2 - finding out after 2 years that the EA never ended. I just did not yet find out the physical cheating was going on, and had been going on....

I've managed to rise out of the ashes during all of this.... and it is sort of a way to prove to myself that I CAN do this.

But I know, if I must, I can let my pride aside and accept the grade... because I've worked hard .. considering I can take a hard hit such as a 0 and still maintain a 4.0, I've worked damn hard.


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*



golfergirl said:


> Your strength has me astounded. Baby step. Keep doing the baby steps and re-assessing. You have a good coach with EleGirl. Money and bills and credit rating - even school can be figured out later. Keep you, your mom and daughter safe. Prioritize and baby steps. Another stranger 'out there' is thinking of you and praying for you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you..... that means so much.. you have no idea.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*



GoingNowhere said:


> Ugh.... a part of me just feels like I should live this way... like i can't do better and like my daughter will suffer without having her father in her life.


No one should live this way. Are you kidding?
Your daughter will suffer either way. Which of the sufferings will cause her the least damage. Why would her father be out of her life? IF he moves away it will have less. But the court will grant him some level of visitation if he asks for it.


GoingNowhere said:


> why do I keep doubting myself on this?? I know that if I do this.... I'm free.. and eventually I will be ok without him.... and eventually, though I'm not expecting to find someone else quickly, I want to learn to live for me..... eventually I will find love again..


I doubted myself a lot with my ex. It was my son.. when he was in first grade who told me that I had to divorce his father. 
You will be ok without him. Once your divorce is final you can date. But for your own wellbeing I’d think that taking some time to heal is important. IF you do date, it’s wise to not bring a guy around your daughter.. at least not for a long time. 


GoingNowhere said:


> OR..... my H will finally get his head out of his ass.... but then, I don't know if I could get over what he's done......
> 
> So yet again...why do I doubt myself....???


It’s natural to doubt yourself on something like this. You need to make sure that if you are making this move that it’s final because he’s add it to the list of reasons to abuse you if you go back with him.


GoingNowhere said:


> If I don't do this.... I will just let it eat away at me. I will lose all sense of self and continue to deprive my daughter from the mother she deserves. I have not been that mother because her whole life - this has been going on. I've missed out on so much, I've deprived her of so much of "me"...


Keep repeating that to yourself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*



GoingNowhere said:


> My teacher said if he plugged in the grades I currently have, without me taking the final that I owe him... I would end up with a low 90 which would make my letter grade an A, still, I would have a 4.0.
> 
> I guess taking the test was sort of a pride thing. He told me i could take the test, because regardless of the grade I made, accepting a 0 would still get me the 4.0.
> 
> ...


In life you have to set priorities. My advice is to go tell the professor that you were up all night due to pain, being sick, etc. Use your health as the reason. Tell him that you have come to realize that if you have an A without the extra work, you need to just accept it and take care of your health. There is too much going on in your personal life to put this stress on yourself.


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

You know with all the moving from the military.. and then this starting.. we never got to fully unpack our boxes?

We have boxes from our wedding shower... never touched.

We've never had our own Christmas tree..

He watched me give birth via webcam from Iraq... I didn't get to have him stand by my side and hold my hand.. like he would "for the next one" we always talked about. I would be pregnant right now, in a perfect world.

Then again, He's never even bought me a birthday card.....


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

I guess I'm just sad... because my old marriage is long gone.. along with all the hopes and dreams it held..

I have so many "nevers"... I guess I was holding on because I was not ready to give up on all that.......

We never got a chance...

We never got to be a "family"....

I gave birth to our daughter, and it took him one month to start his emotional affair.. before he even held her for the first time..

She never got a chance..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*



GoingNowhere said:


> You know with all the moving from the military.. and then this starting.. we never got to fully unpack our boxes?
> 
> We have boxes from our wedding shower... never touched.
> 
> ...


Don't beat yourself u on this. Do you think that you can lay down for a short time to get some rest? Even if your mind is racing.. try to calm it?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

I can certainly understand your being sad. This is not an easy thing. Like you said, it's all the lost potential, all the never's. It's hard.


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*



EleGirl said:


> Don't beat yourself u on this. Do you think that you can lay down for a short time to get some rest? Even if your mind is racing.. try to calm it?


Yes, I finally calmed down enough to realize how freezing it is in here.. I checked on my daughter, made sure she was covered enough.. Our house is old and does a horrible job at holding in heat..

I am in bed getting warm.. watching the clock, I am going to wake her up in half an hour since the day care opens in one hour....

She will get breakfast and then by that time her teacher will be there.. she adores her teacher.. Then I can come home and get a nap without worrying about her being here... I have a lock on my door if I find it necessary.


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

You definitely aren't crazy. Sounds like he has trained you to doubt yourself. I think you have just come to a place where you can't accept the status quo anymore. And I don't blame you at all!!

In terms of your education - can you defer it for a semester? A LOT of people do this due to personal circumstances.. it is very common. I did it too!  And all you have to do is go down there and fill out a form, really. And then you have 6 months before you have to worry about that side of things. A bit of breathing room, if you will.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

Good... you need the rest right now. Do lock your door.. if he realizes that the money is gone he could go balistic. Remember to get your ring as well.

I need to get some sleep so I can xmas shop in a few hours. I have not bought a single present yet. It's a small XMAS this year as there are only 3 of us here this year. And I stopped doing too much of the commercial part of xmas not that my son is 22. I want more of the family and spiritual part of the holidays now.

But I need to at least get a somethings.

Get some rest. I'll check back when I get up. 

Take care and be carefull (((HUGS)))


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## pcpain (Dec 15, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

You are doing the right thing, through all your posts and replys no one has even suggested that maybe you should reconcile...
That probably tells you all you need to know right now.

HE leaves...YOU stay...that's what you need to acheive and all the rest can follow at your own pace

P x


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

My daughter is at school. I have my ring... I'm parked two streets over from the house and it just hit me...should I take his car seat and put it in my trunk with the other one?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

Hi again
It took me a little while to catch up on your thread and I hope you are asleep. Even for an hour would be good.

Jobs for today.

Call your Mom!

EAT some salmon. Oily fish will reduce your stress levels by 30%

Call your professor. You may be able to reschedule the test
due to Exceptional circumstances.

Go for a fast walk. You need to clear some of these toxic adrenalin by products. 

Go to Bank. Open your own bank account. Transfer the money.

If you have time.
Get a new sim card and stop payment on the Accounts. You do not want to be paying for the calls to the OW.


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

pcpain said:


> You are doing the right thing, through all your posts and replys no one has even suggested that maybe you should reconcile...
> That probably tells you all you need to know right now.
> 
> HE leaves...YOU stay...that's what you need to acheive and all the rest can follow at your own pace
> ...


Its hard to let go... When he's good to me, he's so good, and I want so bad to fall into his arms again. But I constantly worry that he will hurt me again. 

And by his words today, he clearly does not see how much of a monster he was... Or else he refuses to admit it. I could show you email conversations from when he was away... where he clearly manipulated me, and I fell for it... And he accepted my apologies, and allowed me to take blame. Downright made me feel like I was nothing without him.. He let me
Feel that way.. My husband, who promises to protect me and never hurt me... He was the one hurting me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pcpain (Dec 15, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

i would leave it i guess he will need it at some point to use himself....
Howya doing?

P


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*



GoingNowhere said:


> My daughter is at school. I have my ring... I'm parked two streets over from the house and it just hit me...should I take his car seat and put it in my trunk with the other one?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No. Well done for getting the ring. slow down a bit you just did something big..


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

ing said:


> Hi again
> It took me a little while to catch up on your thread and I hope you are asleep. Even for an hour would be good.
> 
> Jobs for today.
> ...


My mom stayed until me and my daughter left. We had to wait a bit for day care to open but I kept her laughing singing "monkeys on the bed" and "Jesus loves me"... 

Now I'm thinking about making another daring decision... Taking the car seat from his truck...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

ing said:


> No. Well done for getting the ring. slow down a bit you just did something big..


The director said she would call if he picked her up before I got to. We usually pick her up at five, but I can get her at 3 today. I guess my thinking was, without a car seat, he would not get her. But then again, perhaps the rage of thinking I was denying him the right to see his daughter would push him farther than I intend to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

You need breakfast. Sorry but you are running on sleep deprived thinking. 
Go for breakfast. Somewhere you would not normally go. Park the car off a main road. You need to be strong for your daughter and to do that you need to eat and you need to sleep in the near future.


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

pcpain said:


> i would leave it i guess he will need it at some point to use himself....
> Howya doing?
> 
> P


Holding on.. But scared ****less, to be honest. I've never stood up to him, not like this... I don't know what to expect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

ing said:


> You need breakfast. Sorry but you are running on sleep deprived thinking.
> Go for breakfast. Somewhere you would not normally go. Park the car off a main road. You need to be strong for your daughter and to do that you need to eat and you need to sleep in the near future.


You are right. In asl my haste, I forgot my wallet in my cars trunk. I have the keys to it though, the main and spare, so he can't get to it.

I'm going home. I'm going straight to the room, locking it, I'm going to take a shower then try to calmly get something to eat, grab my things and leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pcpain (Dec 15, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

You know you have to go through this **** to get to the other side...on the other side is calm and clarity and peace of mind....
kind of attractive isn't it?
You cannot stay as yo are...not for you or your daughter...

P


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*



GoingNowhere said:


> You are right. In asl my haste, I forgot my wallet in my cars trunk. I have the keys to it though, the main and spare, so he can't get to it.
> 
> I'm going home. I'm going straight to the room, locking it, I'm going to take a shower then try to calmly get something to eat, grab my things and leave.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just get the wallet. You need to stay away a little bit, [an hour or two] the last thing you need is a confrontation right now.
Can you go to your moms for a shower?


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## pcpain (Dec 15, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*



GoingNowhere said:


> You are right. In asl my haste, I forgot my wallet in my cars trunk. I have the keys to it though, the main and spare, so he can't get to it.
> 
> I'm going home. I'm going straight to the room, locking it, I'm going to take a shower then try to calmly get something to eat, grab my things and leave.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why are YOU leaving...he should leave hun....

P x


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

pcpain said:


> Why are YOU leaving...he should leave hun....
> 
> P x


I think you need to sneak and get wallet and wait until you hear from him at a safe distance to gauge his reaction. Your safety counts and he may be beyond pissed when he discovers money gone. Do you have somewhere safe to sleep?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

He woke up, noticed she was gone. I was putting new bedsheets on her bed because she had an accident.. He got scared. Asked me what was going on. I said I want him to leave. Tears. Sobbing. The same act. I told him I couldn't take the constant back and fourth. He tels me he understand one day, then takes his anger out on me the next, saying I'm blowing everything out of proportion. Really? NSA sex with men and women.... Risking my life... Without my knowledge. For three years and allowing me to take the blame, apologize, beg for another chance to make him happy. Im blowing that out of proportion. 

He said he was sorry.

I said I can't take being kicked in the dirt, then apologized to. I doubt everything. I don't know who I am. I stay a conversation with him, sure of what I want to say and leave an argument wondering what happened our if I even had a valid point to begin with.. And I apologize for upsetting him.

No.. No... No

I'm not blowing anything out of proportion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

He came up to grab me, hugged me, said he was sorry, so sorry. I just baked away and said to take that with him. He's packing his things, I'm locked in my room now. About to take a shower...

I may have gone about this wrong, but that's how it happened. Can't turn back now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

Merry Christmas.... How selfish I am to do this now. I could have waited so my daughter could spend Christmas with her father..

I feel downright horrible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pcpain (Dec 15, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

I don't think you are blowing things out of prportion.....jeez he's been blowing other men/things ****s jeez!!
That's out of proportion....

P


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## pcpain (Dec 15, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*



GoingNowhere said:


> Merry Christmas.... How selfish I am to do this now. I could have waited so my daughter could spend Christmas with her father..
> 
> I feel downright horrible.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is YOUR LIFE....there can be nothing selfish about putting it right....

P x


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

pcpain said:


> This is YOUR LIFE....there can be nothing selfish about putting it right....
> 
> P x


He's selfish. He had the world in his hands and blew it. Maybe your daughter will have a healthier mom for Christmas.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

This is so hard... This is so hard to take.. I am fighting back tears, fighting back asking him to stay.. There's a picture of my daughter on my wall... She's so innocent. I feel like this is right but when I lok at her I also feel its wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

yes your daughter is innocent but you weren't the one who did this to her, it is your job to protect her and you can only do that if you are safe and make a better life for yourself


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

GoingNowhere said:


> This is so hard... This is so hard to take.. I am fighting back tears, fighting back asking him to stay.. There's a picture of my daughter on my wall... She's so innocent. I feel like this is right but when I lok at her I also feel its wrong.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Could he suffer PTSD from war? Maybe this will be the catalyst to jump start his recovery. For him - not the relationship. He isn't healthy for your daughter either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

He has, no efforts of mine have persuaded him to seek help. He was molested as a child.. Just like my fathers abuse led me to a destructive past with older men, I understand the emotional and psychological effects that he had to endure. I asked to help him. He refused. I said I don't think less of him as a person, he told me to let it go. This was before he cheated. He said it want a problem. I said if he isn't comfortable with me being there, I could simply support him while he sought counseling. I again was told to let it go.

I know he is damaged. I know he is hurting, but I tried to help and he wouldn't let me, now.. Its bigger than me... Its bigger than him... In my opinion, the only one who is big enough for this is God.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

GoingNowhere said:


> He has, no efforts of mine have persuaded him to seek help. He was molested as a child.. Just like my fathers abuse led me to a destructive past with older men, I understand the emotional and psychological effects that he had to endure. I asked to help him. He refused. I said I don't think less of him as a person, he told me to let it go. This was before he cheated. He said it want a problem. I said if he isn't comfortable with me being there, I could simply support him while he sought counseling. I again was told to let it go.
> 
> I know he is damaged. I know he is hurting, but I tried to help and he wouldn't let me, now.. Its bigger than me... Its bigger than him... In my opinion, the only one who is big enough for this is God.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Either losing you and his daughter will be his rock bottom and spur him into action. If it's not, it's his decision and personally, I'd highly doubt he'd ever get help if this doesn't do it. But that said, you're doing this for you and your baby - not him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

I just don't want my daughter to suffer for her parents mistakes.

My father cheated on my mom the whole 21 years they were married, which leaves me wondering how long would he have allowed this to continue had I not found out? Until I got an STD? HIV.. AIDS?

I saw my mom beg my father, on her hands and knees. She got breast cancer and he moved on with his life expecting her to die. Started another family. Got a woman, my mothers friend, pregnant with my half brother I have seen all of three times. He's ten!

I was three youngest child. I dried my moms tears when she prayed out loud for God to end her life. I was a child!

I suffered so much from that.

I became her.

My two year old daughter pat me on the back and said, "its ok mommy, I love you"

When my mom wished she would die I told her I needed her, I loved her.

I don't hate her.. I know now how bad it hurts. But I can't let my daughter end up like me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

GoingNowhere said:


> I just don't want my daughter to suffer for her parents mistakes.
> 
> My father cheated on my mom the whole 21 years they were married, which leaves me wondering how long would he have allowed this to continue had I not found out? Until I got an STD? HIV.. AIDS?
> 
> ...


Know without a doubt you are doing the right thing!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

GoingNowhere said:


> Merry Christmas.... How selfish I am to do this now. I could have waited so my daughter could spend Christmas with her father..
> 
> I feel downright horrible.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


STOP IT! You are doing the best thing here for you and you daughter. You are showing her how women should be treated.., you are bein strong and doing the right thing.

I am in a very similar position. My H of ten years has been having an eight month affair, I found out, took him back believed his lies let him manipulate me. Last Wednesday I kicked him and all his stuff out. I too am in full time school and I have two daughters. 

I also feel that I want him to comfort me and make things better. But then I remember that HE and he alone has caused the pain and uncertainty that I feel and only I can stop him from treating me this way.

You are being strong and thats an amazing gift to give your daughter (and me mine)

We will get through this and we will realise how strong and capable we our and our daughters will grow up with a lesson on how to demand respect from the people in you life.

Feel free to pm me ... Seems we have a lot on common 

Stay strong, you're doing an amazing job!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*



ishe? said:


> STOP IT! You are doing the best thing here for you and you daughter. You are showing her how women should be treated.., you are bein strong and doing the right thing.
> 
> I am in a very similar position. My H of ten years has been having an eight month affair, I found out, took him back believed his lies let him manipulate me. Last Wednesday I kicked him and all his stuff out. I too am in full time school and I have two daughters.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

My parents were like you and your husband - your post struck a nerve with me. Except my mother stayed and just believed everything he said. Now, 30 years later, she is a mere shell of a human being. It pains me to go and see them.. their relationship is so wrong. If i could have one wish in life it would be that my mum did what you did today.

You are stronger than you think.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*



ishe? said:


> STOP IT! You are doing the best thing here for you and you daughter. You are showing her how women should be treated.., you are bein strong and doing the right thing.
> 
> I am in a very similar position. My H of ten years has been having an eight month affair, I found out, took him back believed his lies let him manipulate me. Last Wednesday I kicked him and all his stuff out. I too am in full time school and I have two daughters.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Your children learn not just from what you tell them, but from what they observe from your actions. Based on your description of your childhood, you know that. You are making a very brave and powerful decision to stop that cycle and show your child how to handle and respect yourself. Know that you are doing the right thing, as hard as it is.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

GoingNowhere ,

I slept too long, woke at 2pm. My husband just let me sleep. So i'm checking in on your. Are you OK?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

I'm a bit concerned because GoingNowhere has not come back after telling her husband to leave.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> I'm a bit concerned because GoingNowhere has not come back after telling her husband to leave.


I was also just hunting for this thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

I'm still concerned. What is going on? I sure hope she is ok.

Hey Going, please let us now what is up... even if you changed your mind about leaving him. Many of us have been there, done that. Just let us know you are ok.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*

If there is abuse, mental or physical doesn't matter which, I have three words for you: GET OUT NOW!


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

*Re: Help me, I think I'm about to make a "right decision" the "wrong way"*



golfergirl said:


> Know without a doubt you are doing the right thing!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Leave for a safe place. I think she is in unspeakable agony. Quit. Rest for some time. Come out of this turmoil before it eats you up. Quit.


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