# I left...but did I screw up? I just don't know.



## 94nole (Aug 2, 2012)

Whoa!!! Sorry this is so long...I didn't realize until I posted it the first time.

I don't even know how to start this. I've been reading here for a week or so. You folks are awesome.

This may meander and if it does, I apologize. Bottom line, I want to go home...this separation is stupid...and I don't know how to undo what I've done...or if it is even possible.

On June 10th, I left a marriage of 25½ years. It wasn't sudden...it was planned out and quite civil. She and I sat and discussed it a couple months prior...I sat individually with my sons (22 & 19) and discussed what was going on with them. They have always been well mature beyond their years and they handled this exactly as we both expected.

I was a blue collar guy when we met, she a professional women working in environmental area at a large manufacturing plant in the small town in which we lived. At 25, I joined the USAF to "make a better life for myself" than a life of working shift work at a mill. Just after my training, she and I were married. 

After 4 years in the USAF, I got out and went to college. She worked full-time, we had our first child, I was in the Reserves, everything was moving along just great. Upon graduation from graduate school just 4 years later, I started a new career in the business world. I have been miserable and running away from this monster ever since.

Maybe it's a cop-out to say that I am a blue collar guy now stuck in a white collar world. The stress of the pursuit of happiness and how I mishandled that stress, is primarily why we are where we are today. She didn't require any of this of me...all of this burden I placed on myself...she would have been quite content to have been the wife of a career military man...she even bought a small wall hanging that said "Home is Anywhere the Air Force Sends Us." So, she was content until I felt I needed to measure up to her and her siblings.

I am leaving out a lot of details here for the sake of brevity.

At the end of the summer in 2006, after 12 years of trying this job for a while then leaving and trying that job for a while, our marriage deteriorated to virtually nothing. Any sane person can imagine what this was doing to our family especially when one throws in a couple of family moves and as the kids got closer and closer to college and mission ages. (Yes, I'm a Mormon.)

I was already at a point financially where the State Lottery Retirement Plan would be the only way to achieve our financial goals and that wasn't gonna happen, because we didn't play. So, this stress gets added to everything else.

Although it was already too late, I convinced my wife to go to a few counseling sessions with me. I learned a ton and began changing immediately...changing at least how we communicated, learning how to deal with what I was dealing with professionally...stress levels, etc. I learned to channel all of that garbage elsewhere...not sure where...but bottom line...I was no longer bringing it home.

She has admitted, time and time again, that I am a much different person than I was throughout the years. I have been steadily employed for a good while. All the while, she had no interest in pulling back closer to me.

We've effectively been roommates for the past several years. Since the counseling, I would periodically talk to her and check my progress and inquire as to whether she thought this marriage could every be returned to anything resembling a real marriage (sharing joy, sharing a bed, enjoying our kids, etc...whatever happy marriages are). I never got any sort of commitment from her.

We were good at faking it. Going to church or other functions together, no one had any idea what was going on and were quite shocked when they found out I had left. Again, this is a bunch of Mormons...socially, a pretty close group of people.

I had mentioned a couple of times that "If I was going to live alone that I was going to be alone." Yeah, I guess that was a threat that I was going to leave. But she never reacted to that and just went about her business. I keep mentioning the church but as Mormons, we, like many others in the community are quite active at church, in Scouts, and other activities around. She kept herself maxed out with volunteerism and service opportunities. More time devoted to that, less time she had to worry about spending with me, I guess.

Anyway, in April, seeing no progress whatsoever, I decide it's time to pull the trigger. I invited her out to the beach and we sat and talked about where had come from and where we are and that I had decided to leave...and I did. I left in early June.

So, what's the point in all of this? I'm miserable. I moved to a town several hundred miles away (I work from home so I can work from anywhere) because I didn't think I would want to be anywhere near where she and I had lived together even though we never really shared a ton of happiness there...but it's where I boys consider their home...and I guess I did too. 

Moving may have been a mistake too. I lost my support group...the church is wonderful everywhere but it is such a family-oriented organization that a guy without a wife is like an outcast. They don't mean it that way...it is just the way it is. So, I am even very uncomfortable at church...a place that has pretty much always been a haven for us. Now, that's gone too.

Maybe it is still just way too soon...but I really don't want a life if it doesn't include her. At least I don't think I do. (and no, I am not suicidal...that is not what I meant.)

She is the mother of my two most outstanding sons...and a wonderful mother she has always been. Thank goodness for that because I have not always been available...out chasing professional pursuits. She's the most brilliant woman I've ever met. When I think of doing things with the boys, I can't imagine not being together...but I guess I'll need to come to grips with that. It just sucks from where I am sitting as I type this.

And if she is convinced, in her mind and heart, that it's over, a decision I truly believe that she made long ago, then there is probably not a dang thing I can do to change that.

Anyway, not sure what the point is in all of this...oh, yeah, I asked her earlier this week (via email) if there was anyway that she'd give me a do-over...not just back to June...when I left...but a do-over back to about 1998 when all of this really started unraveling. I truly think I could go back and show her again the guy she once loved and be that guy again...but up to now, no response from her.

My thinking is that we'd at least provide each other a support system...financially we'd be a lot better off...the boys would love to see us together (because we didn't fuss and fight, we just didn't act like we loved each other...I guess because she doesn't love me anymore and doesn't believe me if I tell her that I love her...in fact it makes her upset when I say that because she thinks I am lying for some advantage.)

And finally for the record, there's never been any infidelity on either part...we've been true to our marriage even when we couldn't bear to be in the same room.

Ok, that's all.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Good story. I feel for you.

Since you have already pulled the plug on cohabitation (you're separated), I think you need to do some evaluation on your wife's overall behavior *in the near past* and her stance on the *current situation*.

What she was when you got married and how your marriage may have started to derail back in 1998 is of no relevance at this point. They only come in handy when later in the grieving process you attempt to forgive yourself and her over the death of your marriage.

What kind of a life-partner is your wife right now? Is she someone you would choose to marry if you had no history with her but knew about her lack of commitment to you? 

Besides your physical absence, what is she missing about your marriage that would make her want you back with her in a romantic relationship (not just cohabitation)?

Are you in regular contact with her? Why?
Are you financially supporting her? Why?
Are you using your kids as an excuse to keep her aware of your whereabouts and activities? Why?

Why does your wife deserve to be committed to, while she has no desire to be committed herself? What is so special about her?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I think you need to present a plan to her of things that you think can allow you guys to fall in love again. Peaceful cohabitation is probably something she does not want to go back to.

But it sounds like you still have respect for her and maybe you should tell her that. I do believe doing loving and caring things for each other is the way to rebuild it but only if you both want to.

To the original post question I don't think anyone can answer that for you. I would hate to lose someone I respect and love as a person though.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

94nole,

There are ways to make yourself attractive to her again.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

Read all the links.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Will she agree to letting you move back into your family home?


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## 94nole (Aug 2, 2012)

synthetic said:


> Good story. I feel for you.
> 
> Since you have already pulled the plug on cohabitation (you're separated), I think you need to do some evaluation on your wife's overall behavior *in the near past* and her stance on the *current situation*.
> 
> ...


I never know if these are rhetorical or these questions are for me to read and ponder...I assume the latter.

But I think your questions are quite valid and the answers telling. I've been nothing more than a roommate and one to share expenses over the past good number of years. I guess I always held on to the hope that I would be able to change that and eventually be something more than that to her...but I don't think that would likely ever happen. We have few common interests outside of the welfare of our kids and our religion...but honestly, we don't really share our religion, we simply attend the same church at the same time.

She's really missing nothing...so, there's no reason for her wanting me back there. I probably provided her the relief she's sought for many years...life without me...but she wasn't going to leave...she doesn't have the guts to do anything like that...that's not a mean statement, it's just the truth. She'd have kept on keeping on for the rest of the life of the first of us to die. It's just difficult to come to grips with that fact.

She and I may text from time to time but it's strictly business...something about the house, some piece of mail, etc. We've only spoken once and that due to an issue with the house. It was a very pleasant conversation and she and I later both agreed. I later texted her and told her it was nice to chat, that she sounded great and was glad the issue with the house was going well. She concurred in a reply. In fact, she and I have always been able to interact better apart from one another than when we are physically together. That was what always gave me hope that our "in person" interactions would one day improve and blossom again into the marriage we enjoyed years ago. 

There are no communications about each of our whereabouts...there's no purpose for that. The kids are pretty much on their own...the oldest at school almost supporting himself and the youngest is on his 2 year mission and is taken care of for the next 2 years with that. We individually speak to/email them but there's nothing she and I need to discuss beyond the house...really.

I am helping her stay in the house...to the extent that I can. She and I sat and determined a budget, what she would/could contribute and what I could/would contribute. We set up a common account for only that purpose...from which all of our agree-upon shared expenses/expenses related to our kids would be paid. I don't give her personal spending money. I chose to leave and wasn't about to put her into the street. The house is underwater but is financed in such a manner that the loan is interest only for the next 5+ years at a VERY low rate. She couldn't save money by moving...so we agreed she'd stay there as long as she wanted...at least through the interest only period of the loan.

I guess it is my core belief that I have an obligation to her and my boys that separate will be very difficult to fulfill. So, yeah, I guess going home would be more about me and how I feel about how I am meeting that obligation than about us getting back together. Because unless she really changed...a lot...to allow me back into her life, then I'd just go back into the same situation I felt so strongly about leaving.

It's just a damn hard thing to come to grips with.


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## 94nole (Aug 2, 2012)

synthetic said:


> Good story. I feel for you.
> 
> Since you have already pulled the plug on cohabitation (you're separated), I think you need to do some evaluation on your wife's overall behavior *in the near past* and her stance on the *current situation*.
> 
> ...





Thundarr said:


> I think you need to present a plan to her of things that you think can allow you guys to fall in love again. Peaceful cohabitation is probably something she does not want to go back to.
> 
> But it sounds like you still have respect for her and maybe you should tell her that. I do believe doing loving and caring things for each other is the way to rebuild it but only if you both want to.
> 
> To the original post question I don't think anyone can answer that for you. I would hate to lose someone I respect and love as a person though.


Thundarr, I do have respect for her...but when I have told her that in the past, she doesn't believe me...she says that my actions are inconsistent with my words...so, it always falls on deaf ears.

I know that selfishness is usually one of the biggest enemies in this life and the cause for many of our problems, and for years, I was selfish...I only wanted what was best for me because I had the view that if I could succeed, we'd all succeed. I thought I could show her that I could do what I said I could do...and then I would fail...making me miserable and her justified in her doubts and lack of respect for me.

So, again, i know I spend a lot of time beating myself up, but I brought all this on and it's a difficult thing to come to grips with when I really had all of the opportunities a man could possibly ask for and a two incredible sons. I still have the sons but things could have been so different had I only been able to see what was happening at the time and done something about it.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

94,

Are you in counseling?


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## 94nole (Aug 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Will she agree to letting you move back into your family home?


I truly doubt it...as she pretty much lives her life in the past.

And if I did go back, and I somehow make a mistake in the future, at least as she defines it...it'll be "see, nothing has changed...everything is the same as it ever was."

She truly makes few mistakes because she rarely sticks her neck out. She stays in very safe space and is quite content there. No spontaneity whatsoever in her world...it's simply too risky for her.

I also think she doesn't want things to work out because that only sets her up to possibly be hurt again.


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## 94nole (Aug 2, 2012)

Conrad said:


> 94,
> 
> Are you in counseling?


Conrad, 

No, but I probably should be...I know I just need to get up, wipe off and move on.

Honestly, I started looking into counseling this past week.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

94nole said:


> Conrad,
> 
> No, but I probably should be...I know I just need to get up, wipe off and move on.
> 
> Honestly, I started looking into counseling this past week.


I think you need it.

Find a good one.

Start going 2x/week.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

94nole said:


> I guess it is my core belief that I have an obligation to her and my boys that separate will be very difficult to fulfill. So, yeah, I guess going home would be more about me and how I feel about how I am meeting that obligation than about us getting back together. Because unless she really changed...a lot...to allow me back into her life, then I'd just go back into the same situation I felt so strongly about leaving.
> 
> It's just a damn hard thing to come to grips with.


You want her to change. It took two to make 'the situation' you felt so strongly about leaving. What are you doing to change?


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## 94nole (Aug 2, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> You want her to change. It took two to make 'the situation' you felt so strongly about leaving. What are you doing to change?


Frost,

I understand your question...I have changed and I continue to change...I have changed a ton over the past 5 years. She's even admitted to it...on several occasions. She's just never let me back into her world. All I want is for her to give me the chance I've not been given since I have really been working on myself. The chance to show her that I really can again be the man she married. She hasn't shown any desire to do that. 

I'm not here to point fingers at her...I caused our relationship to end up here. I know that. But I am here wrestling with whether I should just press on with my life...whatever that means.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

94nole said:


> Frost,
> 
> I understand your question...I have changed and I continue to change...I have changed a ton over the past 5 years. She's even admitted to it...on several occasions. She's just never let me back into her world. All I want is for her to give me the chance I've not been given since I have really been working on myself. The chance to show her that I really can again be the man she married. She hasn't shown any desire to do that.
> 
> I'm not here to point fingers at her...I caused our relationship to end up here. I know that. But I am here wrestling with whether I should just press on with my life...whatever that means.


Do you see yourself in that link I sent you?

If so, in what way(s)?


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## 94nole (Aug 2, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Do you see yourself in that link I sent you?
> 
> If so, in what way(s)?


Are you referring to the dozens of links? Certainly, in the couple of links I have started in, I do see myself in what I read...but I'd need a week to read all of that stuff.

Don't get me wrong, it's appreciated...there's just a ton of info there.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

94nole said:


> Are you referring to the dozens of links? Certainly, in the couple of links I have started in, I do see myself in what I read...but I'd need a week to read all of that stuff.
> 
> Don't get me wrong, it's appreciated...there's just a ton of info there.


You'll notice the over-arching theme of that thread is how to regain your edge and be attractive to your spouse.

This is likely a big part of what you're missing.


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