# So This is Where it is



## DrakkarNoir (Sep 26, 2016)

My wife and I have been married for just over a year, together for a total of three years. We broke up once for a month at about 4 months in, I was struggling to communicate my feelings about things that bothered me and felt that it was the only way out at the time, but I have since improved in my ability to communicate my likes and dislikes, though I'm still not perfect at it by any means. I'm not always the most talkative person, nor am I particularly emotional, but I have tried to show my wife that I love her, both in the language of love that I speak (physical affection) and in hers (acts of service). Before we got married we spoke of the goals and ambitions that we had for our upcoming union (ie: owning a house in the mountains, having kids, and working hard early to take it easy later). Material possessions were never our primary concern, but with the jobs we were/are going to school for we could easily afford some toys later on. Sorry for the extended backstory, but I think it all comes into play of the current situation.
Fast forward about 18 months, over that time drastic change in the person I married has occurred. It initially started with a decrease in our sexual frequency, down from a couple times a week to once every two weeks. Not a huge deal, but I wanted to talk to her about it and so I did so, not angrily mind you, but more from a place of concern for our relationship, and that everything was okay. We talked and I was reassured all was well and not to worry. But as time went on, even more time went on between acts. I came to find out that she thought I needed to do more around the house, so I picked up a lot more of the slack in cooking and cleaning, until I found that I was the only one doing either, with only the occasional chipping in from her about once a month on each count. Then, after talking again I learned that she didn't like when I acted cute with her, so I tried to stop talking to her all cutesy ever (didn't do it that much to begin with). So as far as these items are concerned presently, we have sex roughly once a month or two, she gets angry when I try to be affectionate in passing (like its some big inconvenience), and the housework is primarily my responsibility because she will literally not do it except for some token stuff to keep me off her back. During all of this I have tried to talk to her about it in so many ways, compassionately, calmly, angrily, and maybe somewhere in between. I ask what I'm doing wrong, what can I change; I'm met with nothing really, she says that she really doesn't have a problem with anything I do.
So beyond these things, she has taken on some pretty serious life changes since our marriage. Not a huge deal, but she has done a complete 180 on her career path, from wanting to be a nurse to being a wilderness guide, the one down side is that it would send her to places for a couple of weeks at a time quite frequently. I could get over that, but what really urked me was that she is now leaning towards not really wanting to have kids, something I made explicitly clear I wanted.
The icing on the cake though has been the most recent discovery I made. I had noticed that she was spending a lot of late nights playing an online game with some people that are from Mexico. It doesn't bother me that she finds enjoyment in playing a game with others, men or women, what does bother me though is that she has been talking to one guy on facebook until 4am and waking up and chatting some more. I've read the messages and while she doesn't seem to reciprocate his overt innuendo she certainly doesn't seem to be staving off his advances (he does know she is married too). Obviously I'm not concerned with a physical relationship forming as he is in Mexico and we are in Utah, but it seems to me that this could lead to an emotional affair which is just as heinous to me. I had already been on the fence with this marriage before this event because of the other reasons, and this is just sort of putting it over the edge (I haven't told her that I saw the messages btw).
At this point I don't even really want to go to therapy because its not as though I haven't tried numerous times to communicate my feelings to her in what I believe to be a healthy way (though I'm sure I could have done better sometimes). I guess I just don't really know what to do, the idea of getting a divorce seems a daunting and horrible task to take charge of. At the same time, I'm unhappy, and it seems as though she is too, but I can't help but think it would come as some great to surprise to her if I brought it up. I'm sure the prevailing opinion will be to get a divorce, and I can already say that you're probably right, but it just sucks to feel like you give it your all, only to find it isn't enough. I thought divorces were reserved for those who didn't try, for bad spouses, and the unfaithful, yet, here I am.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Life with someone is about balance... not seeing a lot to convince me there is a path for both of you in this.

If she is making all those life changes, and you are not part of much of it, I think you have the clarity you need to open the conversations you need to see if you can do this together.

If you say you won't do marriage counseling (therapy), how can you say you've tried everything?


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## DrakkarNoir (Sep 26, 2016)

I would agree that I haven't tried everything by neglecting marriage counseling. I suppose the reason I'm resistant to it isn't because I don't think it is helpful sometimes, but rather that I've tried to compromise on things that she has asked of me, and she doesn't reciprocate no matter how many times we talk about the same issues. I guess what I'm feeling is that what can MC do about her not wanting to compromise? Perhaps if I had seen any change I would be more apt to go, or perhaps I'm just holding myself back to sabotage the relationship at this point. The part that really makes me want to walk away now is that instead of talking to me she has decided to put her efforts towards some guy in a different country, mind you there isn't any evidence of explicit emails, it still just bugs the crap out of me that she doesn't even have the respect for me to talk about what the problem is, and that she would rather get her validation elsewhere.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

MC is a waste if both partners are not dialed in.

He sounds checked out....and his wife....who knows where her head is.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*If MC doesn't help or if she refuses to participate, then you're at a place in your marriage where divorce would be far less traumatic! She is seemingly in the midst of a covert EA, fastly on her way to PA status!

When there's a sudden diminishment in marital sex, there's usually a valid but unacceptable reason!

No loving, devoted H deserves to ever be treated that way by his W! 

For any reason!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

You don't have a marriage. What is it you want to save, if anything. Less than 2 years in, no kids. You are not compatible. Time to move on. It is better for BOTH of you.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

DrakkarNoir said:


> I could get over that, but what really urked me was that she is now leaning towards not really wanting to have kids, something I made explicitly clear I wanted.
> 
> .


Then this is a deal breaker for you.

People can change their minds and that's okay.

However,if you want kids and she doesn't, then it's also okay for you to divorce and find someone that wants to have kids.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

DrakkarNoir said:


> I thought divorces were reserved for those who didn't try, for bad spouses, and the unfaithful, yet, here I am.


That's exactly the reason for divorce. SHE is the one who isn't trying.

Marriage is not like a work or school group project, where if one partner doesn't pull their weight, the whole thing can still be successful if the other one works extra hard. Marriage needs both people's efforts to succeed.

Counselling is worthwhile, as a third party may be able to show her how she's not compromising, because she's resisting it from you.


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## DrakkarNoir (Sep 26, 2016)

Well it seems that she doesn't want to be married anymore. When i confronted her on the aforementioned issues she half-heartedly suggested going to MC, to which I replied, is that what you actually wanna do because to me it seems you don't want to be married and just won't admit it. This led to her saying she doesn't know if the life she wants to live and marriage go together. I said I would leave for a while and let her have some time to think about it, offering that after a week we can revisit the subject (I need some time to think too). She said that she didn't think that a week would allow her to have a change of heart, I said okay and we left it at that for a few days. Before leaving I told her that if she does want to work on it that she needs to stop emailing this guy (the only stipulation I had).
Two days later she called me and told me she missed me. We talked for a little bit and then I asked her, are you still emailing the guy, to which she replied yes. I told her that I didn't really have anything else to say to her then, and that she needs to find a place sooner rather than later because I don't want to live at my brothers for longer than I have to. I'm not really sure why she called though. Is it me or is she just trying to mess with my head, keep me on the hook until she figures out whatever is going on in her head. I feel like this behavior is really immature and selfish, and I'm not sure that I want to work on a marriage with someone who participates in this kind of behavior, if she decides she wants to try later.
I really don't want to get a divorce, but I really don't think that I should stay with someone who is willing to treat her husband this way. I know that I would tell someone else that that kind of behavior is unacceptable, and that if their SO didn't come back with a major apology and plan to fix the problems that divorce would be their best course of action. I guess what I'm looking for is validation on the decision that I made for myself (independent of what she may decide), which is that I'm done. I don't want a divorce, but I won't be my wife's second choice or backup plan, I don't deserve that kind of disrespect right? I would like to here others opinions on the matter. Am I being too hot headed, or am I thinking clearly here?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

She is immature and doesn't have the mindset to have a good marriage. Don't waste time you are young, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Just D you will find someone better.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

You really want to be the guy that sticks around keeping his life on hold while some woman is trying to decide between you and another man?

You've got very little invested and a lot of years ahead of you.

It's time to go.


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## Síocháin (Mar 11, 2016)

I wasn't even in the top 3 of priorities for my STBXH and not sure I was even a passing thought at the end. She sounds a lot like him. Says one thing to get you off her back and does something entirely different. DIVORCE now. I am divorcing after 20 plus years. Plus, you have only been married 2 years. You should still be in the honeymoon stage. Sounds like bait & switch.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

DrakkarNoir said:


> Two days later she called me and told me she missed me. We talked for a little bit and then I asked her, are you still emailing the guy, to which she replied yes. I told her that I didn't really have anything else to say to her then, and that she needs to find a place sooner rather than later because I don't want to live at my brothers for longer than I have to. I'm not really sure why she called though. Is it me or is she just trying to mess with my head, keep me on the hook until she figures out whatever is going on in her head. I feel like this behavior is really immature and selfish, and I'm not sure that I want to work on a marriage with someone who participates in this kind of behavior, if she decides she wants to try later.


She's trying her best to figure out how to have everything she wants, which is to have the support and friendship you provide, as well as the connection with this guy in Mexico, and whatever else she wants.

Both asking for distance AND telling you she misses you are designed to help her get it all, or at least delay having to give up one of them. It's completely selfish and extremely inconsiderate, particularly when you're the one she's supposed to prioritize over other people.



DrakkarNoir said:


> I really don't want to get a divorce, but I really don't think that I should stay with someone who is willing to treat her husband this way. I know that I would tell someone else that that kind of behavior is unacceptable, and that if their SO didn't come back with a major apology and plan to fix the problems that divorce would be their best course of action. I guess what I'm looking for is validation on the decision that I made for myself (independent of what she may decide), which is that I'm done. I don't want a divorce, but I won't be my wife's second choice or backup plan, I don't deserve that kind of disrespect right? I would like to here others opinions on the matter. Am I being too hot headed, or am I thinking clearly here?


I think your thinking is in the right place. You can't be in a marriage if the other person is half-in half-out.

If her attitude towards being married to you isn't "hell yeah!" and she isn't interested in getting that feeling back, I don't see that you have a choice unless you are willing to live with half a marriage and half a wife.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

DrakkarNoir said:


> Well it seems that she doesn't want to be married anymore. When i confronted her on the aforementioned issues she half-heartedly suggested going to MC, to which I replied, is that what you actually wanna do because to me it seems you don't want to be married and just won't admit it. This led to her saying she doesn't know if the life she wants to live and marriage go together. I said I would leave for a while and let her have some time to think about it, offering that after a week we can revisit the subject (I need some time to think too). She said that she didn't think that a week would allow her to have a change of heart, I said okay and we left it at that for a few days. Before leaving I told her that if she does want to work on it that she needs to stop emailing this guy (the only stipulation I had).
> Two days later she called me and told me she missed me. We talked for a little bit and then I asked her, are you still emailing the guy, to which she replied yes. I told her that I didn't really have anything else to say to her then, and that she needs to find a place sooner rather than later because I don't want to live at my brothers for longer than I have to. I'm not really sure why she called though. Is it me or is she just trying to mess with my head, keep me on the hook until she figures out whatever is going on in her head. I feel like this behavior is really immature and selfish, and I'm not sure that I want to work on a marriage with someone who participates in this kind of behavior, if she decides she wants to try later.
> I really don't want to get a divorce, but I really don't think that I should stay with someone who is willing to treat her husband this way. I know that I would tell someone else that that kind of behavior is unacceptable, and that if their SO didn't come back with a major apology and plan to fix the problems that divorce would be their best course of action. I guess what I'm looking for is validation on the decision that I made for myself (independent of what she may decide), which is that I'm done. I don't want a divorce, but I won't be my wife's second choice or backup plan, I don't deserve that kind of disrespect right? I would like to here others opinions on the matter. Am I being too hot headed, or am I thinking clearly here?



She either has fallen out of love with you in case she feels for you more like a friend or she is not marriage material meaning she will never be happy being married. My guess, if she wants you in her life, she only wants you as a friend or someone she does not build a life with and will perhaps leave you for greener pasteur like a job or someone else.

Either way, you need to find someone that actually matches what you want because she sounds like she baited you into marrying her by mirroring what you wanted in some ways. My brother and his ex nearly gotten married until she said she will no longer follow his religion and the reason why she promised was to marry him. Not even saying that might be the case but on what you know now and another potential guy she may be stringing along as well, if you want to be the only choice and not one of two, I suggest perhaps logically viewing her behavior recently without the other guy, can you be happy and fulfilled with her. Can she be happy as well? If she cannot on her own end, MC is a waste of time not to mention if she cannot also let go if she has also fallen in love with another man. Be honest with yourself, forget about the past, present, her old self, can you be married to the current her if she remains whom she is now?

Don't try saving a marriage in which you want her to be something she may not be, or if she has fallen out of love with you after the honeymoon period, She might not have strong romantic interest in you. Heck, you might never receive those answer but just call it incompatibility issues. You may love her or not want to divorce, but it does not mean she is right for a spouse for you either.

If you really want to find out where he motivation lies, give her the divorce papers and just be cordial, perhaps treat her like an acquaintance and start going out with friends and family. Then ask her to go to therapy first before counseling. What is the point in reconciling if she is not compatible with married life or she cannot be in love with you like lovers.


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