# when relationship seems to be gone forever



## mike_1972 (Nov 8, 2011)

originally posted under Sex in Marriage, but it was suggested to repost here, since it involves EA

I will try to make the long story short -
first few years we have great relationship, although getting occasional fights we were able to resolve them (mostly by me giving up). When I was getting more and more angry I can not get anything for me my wife asked me to "defend" my point of view a bit harder, which I did which led to endless arguments because neither of us was willing to give up
And while our fights intensified - we got 3 kids, which just make our lives a lot harder (just time-wise and financially, because she had to give up working) which added up. Since my wife was handling all house stuff - she said I am not allowed to participate in decisions around the house because I am mostly at work and she needs things to work as she needs them to be, so basically after about 8 years of marriage (about 1 year ago) I was ready to divorce because I could not handle fights and ignorance anymore. So I withdrew myself from talking to her and basically we lived like roommates for a year (although I was getting sex time to time).
A few months ago my wife signed up for some long training once a week there she met lots of new people and they hang out in someone's house after the training. Around that time I noticed I have to beg more for sex and we have to schedule it a few weeks ahead, because she claimed she was busy or tired.
Couple of weeks ago she came from training in the evening and then went outside talking to someone from 10PM to 2AM, which got me suspicions, jealous and made me think about us, so I recalled after she started training she got concerned about her looks a lot - got some new clothes, worked on loosing her weight etc.
Anyway, when next evening I asked her about what is going on - she said "nothing", but our son got out of bedroom and she gave him the warmest hug ever (she never does it during his bedtime - she is always neutral about it and just puts him back to bed), so I knew she is trying to avoid the conversation.
Next day I told her everything about my suspicion and what I am seriously concerned there is an affair starting right now. She said she had a small crash on him when training started, but nothing has happened and he is looking for different kind of girl anyway (submissive, not like her). Later on I found out they are starting a small business together as an exercise for their training.
Anyway, after I confronted her about having 4 hours at night to talk to someone, but not finding 30 min for sex she admitted the love between us is gone and when we are getting scheduled sex she feels bad for a few days after it, because she does not feel sexually attracted to me anymore. She said she believes I am a good person, but also she believes we so do not match at all because we fight all the time and recently we did not talk much anyway. Also I admitted I was thinking about divorce a while ago, so she responded instead of divorce we should have open relationship and stay married for sake of kids. My reply was I do not want open relationship - I want her, but her answer was "too late". Her statement about open relationship led me to believe she really thinks we are done and want to find someone else, but I am not ready for it so for now we agreed to just live without sex for a while - I felt I can not ask her for sex since she hates me touching her She says she made a decision - family is business, so she runs it and happiness should come from outside of marriage. I understand her feeling about it, since I was a jerk for last years (and I admitted it to her)

So I have 2 things I am concerned about
- I am pretty sure she had not sex with the guy yet, but I am also convinced she still has emotional attachment to him which I afraid might grow into love and affair (they still talk and meet a lot to setup a business, but mostly they just chat about unrelated things)
- She is officially not willing to work on out relationship, saying she tried to work with me and I did not not - not it is the opposite, she wants to have her own life and there is nothing I can do about it

So I really want us to get back together and at least I am committed to stop being a jerk (I was always against any of her initiatives, because most of them felt stupid). I still love her vey much.

Any advice where to start


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

A list from a user from another site , good solid advice , follow it

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD(?) WIFE!
2 – Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 – Put “Flexispy” on any cellphone that she might use.
4 – Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 – Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take “personal” calls
6 – Have a VAR it in your possession and “on” whenever in her presence.
7 – Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her – parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 – Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 – Put together the electronic evidence for each AP. 
10 - Write a cover note for your wife’s contacts, to the tune of: “I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333”
11 – Write a similar note to POSOM’s contacts.
12 – Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 – Brace yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

rule 1 you can't work on the marriage until the affair is over

you have to lay it out for her-

"it's him or me"

if it's you then she has to do the following

1) No contact whatsoever- no more gym, send a NC letter that is handwritten by your wife and if he contacts her she must ignore it and tell you right away
2) she must be completely transparent and allow you access to her phone, emails, passwords, etc also without telling her you must verify by keyloggers and var's etc
3) she must show true remorse and take 100% blame for the affair


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## InFlux (Oct 30, 2011)

mike_1972 said:


> So I have 2 things I am concerned about
> - I am pretty sure she had not sex with the guy yet, but I am also convinced she still has emotional attachment to him which I afraid might grow into love and affair (they still talk and meet a lot to setup a business, but mostly they just chat about unrelated things)
> - She is officially not willing to work on out relationship, saying she tried to work with me and I did not not - not it is the opposite, she wants to have her own life and there is nothing I can do about it
> 
> ...


Wow, you're both knee-deep in the fog! I hate to break it to you but your wife HAS had sex with the other guy (and continues to). The reason your wife is uninterested in YOUR relationship is because she's only interested in the OTHER relationship with her new boy toy. She is currently 100% checked-out on your relationship. You're just the doormat she wipes her feet on and which she occassionally has to talk to about mundane things like the house, kids, bills, etc. I'm not trying to be an a-hole but I want you to see things the way they are! I was in the fog getting stepped-on as well by my WW for a year while she cake-ate herself into hedonism heaven. Until I woke up. Then I dumped consequences on her like filing for divorce and serving her papers (which she just threw into a desk drawer before she took off for Europe with boy toy). You need to wake up! If you want to stop feeling like a walking wallet then you need to take away the cookie jar! IMHO you need to file now and have her served (you can always drop the suit if reconciliation is real). You also need to blow her $h!t up from the OM's end (ideally by giving evidence to OMW). She will then be without her boy toy and without your financial blankie. The fog should dissapate real fast for her at that point and if reconciliation is in the cards THAT will be the time you will see it.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

The reason she feels guilty about having sex with you, is she doesn't like to cheat on the OM. She believes that you are there for making money and providing for the family. The other guy is for sex and love. Your wife has manipulated you for a long time.

*"she said I am not allowed to participate in decisions around the house because I am mostly at work and she needs things to work as she needs them to be, so basically after about 8 years of marriage (about 1 year ago) I was ready to divorce because I could not handle fights and ignorance anymore. So I withdrew myself from talking to her and basically we lived like roommates for a year (although I was getting sex time to time)."*

You did not act like a jerk, you wanted to be involved in the decisions, F#$K THAT ITS YOUR MONEY. 

And regarding staying married for your kids, do you want to raise another like her? If you have a daughter she will be modeled a life without seeing love between their mother and father? Girls marry their fathers and boys marry their mothers. Are you ready to sentence your children's spouses to the life you lived? I would hope not. File for divorce, cut her off financially so she can experience what single motherhood is like. Out her to all friends and family, and do it all at once.

If you want to finish your sentence with her, that's your choice. But please don't do this to your kids. Divorce her, and find someone to love you for who you are, not what you can provide her.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

mike_1972 said:


> Also I admitted I was thinking about divorce a while ago, so *she responded instead of divorce we should have open relationship*and stay married for sake of kids. My reply was I do not want open relationship - I want her, but her answer was "too late".


When a husband or wife suggests having an open relationship to his/her spouse, it usually is because he/she is already having an affair and just wants to legitimize it.

Maybe I'm wrong but from your posts it seems that you were quite content simply being roommates with benefits. Now that she is in at least an EA, and possibly a PA as well, she has cut you off from those sexual benefits. In case you forgot, most women need to feel emotionally connected with their men in order to feel sexual desire. What have you done to make her emotionally connected to you? Mind you I'm not blaming you for choice to have an affair - she is solely responsible for that - but you are responsible for making her feel emotionally supported.

You have been given excellent advise by the others, now it is up to you whether or not you will follow it. I will just add that you if you want to do something to help YOU become emotionally stronger, then click on the links below my signature titled "Just Let Them Go", "The 180 degree rules" and "No More Mr Nice Guy". Women are attracted to emotionally strong men and right now your wife doesn't see you as one. Following the principles of the links I mentioned will make you into a much more attractive man than the one you are at this moment. But again the choice to do it is yours.


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