# He puts down my family too much! I've had it.



## Whattodoaboutus (Nov 8, 2011)

My husband and I have been married for 4 years and are expecting our second child next April, so I am almost 5 months pregnant. Recently I'm getting pretty fed up with certain comments he's been making about my family ... although not new to me. It's gotten to the point where I've asked him not to speak to me about any members of my family b/c it's a sensitive issue based on past comments throughout the years. 

I find him a little overly sensitive when it comes to my family and he doesn't seem to accept them for who they are. My mother (who is a widow and raised me and my two brothers without a father since I was 15 years old) got into an accident a couple of years ago and tore her shoulder. She has been unable to work since. My husband will call her lazy and say that all she does is do crosswords all day. My brother has been using our garage to store material for his electrical business that he started earlier this year ... he has been getting a lot of contracts with 7/11 stores and doesn't have anywhere else to store his stuff (we don't use the garage for anything other than storage anyways). He is now saying that he's not comfortable with all the stuff in there and wants to draft up a lease agreement. He later tells me he doesn't mean any of this stuff but I can't help but be resentful of him. My family has become a very sensitive issue for me and I"m really starting to dislike him as a result.

Any advice on how I can deal with this? We come from two very different family backgrounds ... he is Canadian and I come from Eastern Europe. I adore his family and would never dream of saying anything negative about them (even if I think it for a second). Help!


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## WifeOrMother? (Nov 6, 2011)

Does your husband feel as though your family is taking advantage of the situation somehow? Ask him what he would like to see your mother/brother do instead and how he thinks they should go about getting that accomplished. Once you two can agree on next steps, then your husband will need to do his part to help your mother/brother accomplish whatever solution has been identified.

Your husband obviously feels something isn't right. Asking him to not speak of it to you will only turn his feelings of frustration into anger and resentment. I advise talking it out . . . maybe you can find a neutral third party to "referee" if needed.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

You said he has made other comments throughout the years. What else has he said about your family?


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## Whattodoaboutus (Nov 8, 2011)

@AgentD, he's called my mother names (that I can't write here) and complains about the amount of family dinners and events that we have. He's even gone so far as not to go in the past (that has since been addressed). When I am at my Mom's with my daughter, he gets jealous and gives me a hard time about it saying that I'm always there. I have never gone there and taken away any family time from us ..my visits are when he is at work or not home. It's just an overall sore spot. I think he feels as though he is not accepted by my family and I know he is bored when we go there. My dad died when I was young so there is no male figure for him to bond with. Plus, English is a second language in my family so that could be a barrier. Regardless of all this, I strongly believe that family should be accepted ... and I say this b/c I genuinely accept his. In fact, I go out of my way to have healthy relationships with them and when he doesn't reciprocate I feel disrespected and unimportant. At this point I would be happy if he just didn't voice his displeasure all the time .. it's really hard to hear. What do you think? It's always nice to get an outside perspective b/c I have been in this for way to long to be objective.

@WifeorMother ... do you think it's his place to be telling my family what he thinks they should do? I'm not sure if I would be comfortable suggesting how his family should run their lives ... nor do I think it's my place. Or is that suggestion more along the lines of making him realize that it is THEIR lives and not his? As far as my brother goes, we have helped out his family tons ... so I do not feel bad about helping my brother out with his start up business at all ... that's how I was raised. He would do it for me too.

Thank you both for replying! I appreciate the feedback


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I just wonder if he doesn't like your family because he feels like your mother has you at her beck and call and may feel like your mother is controlling of you. In some families, parents don't allow their adult children to live their own lives and expect them to show loyalty to them before their spouse. Some parents who are not emotionally healthy expect their adult children to take care of them emotionally, which is inappropriate (at any age). Could any of this be the case?

When you get married, your spouse becomes your most important priority. I am just wondering if he feels like he is second in line behind your brother and mother. Just a thought.

On the other hand, you should be able to have a relationship wit your mom and brother. If your husband is controlling of you in general, that is a concern. 

It's really hard to know what exactly is going on here, but there is something wrong. It may be your husband's attitude, but it may also be that you are blind to your family's demands on you that are making your husband unhappy. 

I would just encourage you to try to have an honest talk with him without the two of you getting defensive. Sit him down and tell him that you want things to be good with him. Tell him that you want to understand better what he is feeling about your family and let him know that you will just listen and not react. This may make it easier for him to talk openly. Then JUST LISTEN to what he is saying. Don't react. Don't get defensive. Try to truly understand what his concerns are. Once you do that, you will have a better sense of what to do next. He may have some valid concerns that you are just not seeing (maybe because you don't want to). 

Just know that it's likely that he's not doing this to be an a$$hole. He probably has valid concerns and you probably have some, too. The trick is to come to an understanding and to try to meet in the middle.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Hard to say what it is for sure. 

However, my husbands family has been known to talk about me, complain about me in the past etc. They are very unhappy and negative people, my husband can be like that as well at times. 

Over the years I have been nothing but good to them, helped them, bent over backwards for them and they still can't find anything good thing to say about me. 

I have come to the conclusion (and with the help of a counselor) who once told me, people who are unhappy with themselves usually will talk about others or put others down, to make themselves feel better. I believe this to be true. Well, in my case anyway. I'm not sure about yours. Hard to say if its that, or if your husband has a real legit reason to feel the way he does. Regardless, he shouldn't be calling anyone names. That is immature. 

You need to point blank ask him why he feels the need to do and say those things. I have a feeling, somewhere along the way it stems from his own insecurity no matter what that might be.


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## Whattodoaboutus (Nov 8, 2011)

I think you are right AgentD. After years of going through this I have come to the same conclusion and have seen how some of his insecurities have sabotaged our relationship. He once told me that as his wife I was supposed to give him confidence ... no one GIVES you confidence .. it comes from within. That's what sent off warning bells for me in a lot of his behaviors. I just don't know what to do about it anymore


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Laurae1967 said:


> When you get married, your spouse becomes your most important priority. I am just wondering if he feels like he is second in line behind your brother and mother. Just a thought.


:iagree:

The garage thing would make me crazy. OP, my guess is that your husband has had enough of his garage being commandeered by your brother, but feels like he's 2nd to your family. His approach is very passive aggressive but then again he sounds like he's worried that you'd choose your brother over him if he asked you straight up to tell you brother to get his stuff out of there.

Give the man his garage back.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I agree about the garage thing. Give your brother his stuff back. THEN if your husband is still complaining or putting your family down you will know it goes deeper than just a garage issue. Sounds to me like there is, especially if he has been making snide comments for years. 

You can do everything in your power to make him feel special. Put his needs first and make him your priority, if in fact he feels second to them. However, if you have done that, and he still acts this way then this is on him. This is how he sees himself and how he feels about himself. He is just projecting it off on you and your family.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

While you are evaluating, try to keep an open mind about your husband, too.

You are pregnant, so eventually you are going to start getting tired more easily. If you find yourself declining offers from your husband - not just sexual, but being companions as a couple, away from kids - and yet are maintaining a full blown family schedule which includes caring for your mom and numerous dinners and events, it is a recipe for resentment from your husband. That's just an example, no idea if that's happening with you currently.


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## dkong (Mar 12, 2010)

Hi, I am also of Eastern European background, so I understand what you are saying about family and how they help each other, but when you are in a Western Country or marriage it is a little different sometimes. It's not like the old country.

I can relate to how your husband feels as I feel like my wife puts her family ahead of me very often. Look at it this way, if he is a little insecure at least it shows he cares enough to feel the way he does. If he was a cheater he probably would prefer that you were never with him or wouldn't care what you were up to in your spare time.

I can only say from my point of view what I could think may help make him feel like you are putting him first, for example:

- openly reject invites to your family's house from time to time (make sure he sees this), then tell him that you want to do something with him instead
- spend at least 50% of your free time when he's not working with him (just to start with to see if that helps)
- make decisions together. for example, did you ask your husband if your brother could use the garage? did you discuss it together.
- try not to talk about your family all the time (i don't know if you do but sometimes it doesn't give a person much head space). talk about your marriage, yourself, him, tennis, anything but your family or what they are up to as i'm sure he's sick of hearing about it, and it's nice to show you think about other things outside of that. try make a rule to not mention anything about your family for a day. you'll see it's not that easy and you may realize how much you talk about them (assuming you do, but i'm guessing it comes up a lot).

sharing discussions and asking things of each other in a relationship is not demeaning or showing weakness. it doesn't mean you are asking for permission, it shows that you both care about what each other think and how you spend your time. i think the key is to try and keep it balanced, but if push comes to shove your partner should come first most of the time.

I don't think the name calling is nice, but maybe that's his way of venting because he has trouble communicating, so maybe try some of the above actions and if that helps (or not) then talk to him a little while after and tell him that it feels hurtful. you or your husband should not feel silly to discuss how you feel and must respect each other, because something that seems small to you may be a big deal to him, and vice-versa.


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## WifeOrMother? (Nov 6, 2011)

In reply to your questions - I don't feel your husband has a "right" per see. I do, however, don't discount the possiblity that he might think he does . . . asking him for his opinion might make him feel heard and go a long way towards resolving some of the issues.

It seems to me that you both have different views on how to treat secondary family (IE: parents, siblings, anyone not part of your immediate family). Maybe you can both come to an agreement about what is acceptable?


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