# Major issues in my marriage, desperately looking for advice



## seagull83 (Nov 30, 2014)

Hello everyone! This is the first time I'm posting here, but have been reading other posts on Tam for about 3 months. I've learnt a lot, just reading other posts. 
A little background: i am 31, my husband is 32, married for 6 years, together for 10, one little boy (3 yo). He was my first, so when I met him at 20 I was naive and inexperienced. I really had no idea what I wanted, what I needed, I just let myself carried away with the tide. We were very attracted to each other at first and I could never imagine that this love will die if not properly nourished. Now, after 11 years and a history together I feel that my love for him is dying a little more every day.
I will try to describe as best that I can our current situation.
He is always unhappy, he is always complaining/criticizing everything I do or don't do. I am not the best cook, sometimes i get lazy (especially after his put downs I feel my energy drained), dirty clothes and dishes are piled up from time to time. I really try to keep the house clean, but as I said there are periods when everything is a mess, I admit. But he offers no help with cleaning, cooking, washing dishes...he said it on more occasions that I, as a woman it's my responsibility to keep the house clean, to cook etc. I don't think it's true, especially if work a full time job as well as he is.
He doesn't touch me anymore: no kissing, no holding hands, no hugs, zero contact. This is so hard for me to endure, maybe because my main love language is touch. When I get back from work I want to kiss him on the cheek but he acts annoyed. I keep myself fit, and people that don't know my age say that I am 24. So my appearance hasn't changed so much. I look young even to him, he always says that i look if I were his daughter. I really don't understand his behavior, it wasn't a sudden change, he didn't become like this overnight. His attitude has changed gradually so here we are today when he is cold as ice. 
He rarely initiates intimacy and when he does he starts complaining: you don't do that or that, you aren't given me what i want....what he wants is bjs almost daily with nothing for me. I am supposed to give him pleasure but to ask for nothing in return. I honestly feel as a prostitute. I mean our usual discussion- him: "do you want to give me a bj?" , I: "I am not in the mood for this, let's make love instead", him: "please leave the room and leave me alone, I will find someone else to please me". And after this he doesn't speak to me. He is not even responding to my questions regarding important things: eg.when he will pick up our son, who will go do the shopping. Basically all communication is shut down. He will act like this until I go to him and ask, beg him to stop treating me like crap. I am so sick and tired of this endless game. I feel that I give 100% and he only gives 10%. 
So intimacy is on the rocks too. He rarely wants to make love, as I said it's all about his needs and I can take my needs and throw them to the garbage.
He is very controlling, he doesn't let me to take the driving licence, although we have a car and we both pay for it. I wanted to learn to drive in order to become more independent. He got mad when i told him i want to learn to drive! he said that he will never give me "his" car to drive it. Anyway, I gave up the idea. There are a lot of things that he doesn't like: me going to the gym, going to see my mother, going shopping (clothes). He hates it when I come late at home, even though I call him first and tell him that I want to go to my mother, or I need to go x or y. He says ok, but when I get home he usually is very angry and picks up fights. 
The relationship with his parents is also very difficult. They are very difficult persons and I tried and tried to reason with them, to get them to like me, but in vain. I think no one is good enough for their son. The main reason they dislike me is because they allowed my husband and I to stay in one of their apartments. They are not living with us, but because they "accepted" me in their apartment they have all kinds of claims. They are resentful that my mother didn't offer money for half of this apartment, so they look down on us and are feeling entitled.
I think their attitude has made a drift in my marriage. My husband worships them and agree with them in everything. So he feels somehow superior than me- I know this may sound crazy, but he always says that it's his home and I have no right to live there. He throws this at me during every fight we may have. He asked me to leave his house like 100 times. I did left a couple of times, sometimes alone, sometimes with my son but then I returned at his insistence.
I don't feel love, I don't feel respected and it's tearing me apart. I don't know if his yelling, name calling, cursing or spiting represent abuse or not. I yell too, I get angry too when he puts me down. There were some incidents during huge fights when he grabbed my hands, or my neck. He slapped me 2 times, shoved me, pushed me. When he is angry he shows me his fists in order to scare me, but he has not used his fists until now. This kind of incidents are more and more often. I noticed that when we are around his parents his anger intensifies. As if he wants to show them who is in charge. Silly and sad I know, but when around them,he makes everything possible to discredit me. Of course he tells them I am a bad mother, that I am lazy and don't do anything in the house, that I spend all his money. And they always, but always take his side. They tell him to calm down when things get heated, but after that they accuse me: I yelled at him, I don't respect him enough.

I am really tired of all of this. The pain is huge especially when he gives me the silent treatment for days. I think he may be BDP- he has all the characteristics but I am no doctor. The truth is he comes from a family where women were submissive and endured all kind of bad treatments. It's a very difficult for me, I have always wanted a family, but not like this! I don't know if I can save this marriage, I don't know how to do that. Maybe he is cheating on me, I don't know. I don't have any proof and nothing suspicious is going on, but with his "i don't give a damn about you" attitude anything is possible. I would really appreciate your inputs. Thank you!


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## seagull83 (Nov 30, 2014)

Dear independentgirl, thank you for writing. I initiate too because for me is a way to get the so desired affection from him. He has started to refuse me. As I wrote in my post he tells me he is tired and just wants a bj. So he basically lays back while I do everything. If I refuse him he will start with the silent treatment for days. When he does want to get intimate he is always complaining: that he has to wear a condom (he has always used a condom as I don't want to get preg and I cannot tolerate birth control pills), that I don't do that or that...so confusing


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## seagull83 (Nov 30, 2014)

My intuition tells me that something is going on. Maybe he hasn't cheated, but likes someone from work and has started an EA, I don't know. There are no signs of him cheating-no female perfume, no change in the way he dresses....BUT he doesn't call me anymore to tell me where he is or where is going after work. He finishes work earlier than me so I cannot be sure where he is going. Communication is really bad between us. Sometimes I got the feeling he cannot stand me anymore. I don't know why, maybe this has to do with parents or something else is going on. This situation is killing me! What about his behavior? His anger, his yelling, throwing things? Is this normal?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Your in a relationship with an immature man child. You two never learned how to make a relationship work after the romance is gone. Also he is emotionally abusive. If he is constantly putting you down, he is devaluing you.

Best advice I can give you is first seek an therapist, and work on your issues. Learn to detach, and see him for what he is. Start doing things that make you happy, and stop relying on him for that. Become independent, so you don't need him in your life. A partner should enhance your life experiences, and be a best friend you feel safe to share with. Don't wait too long before you leave him, if he does not improve himself. You don't want to regret your youth being wasted on the likes of him. Have fun, and become the type of person you want to be. Work on your flaws, and seek some help to learn communication skills.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

seagull83 said:


> My intuition tells me that something is going on. Maybe he hasn't cheated, but likes someone from work and has started an EA, I don't know. There are no signs of him cheating-no female perfume, no change in the way he dresses....BUT he doesn't call me anymore to tell me where he is or where is going after work. He finishes work earlier than me so I cannot be sure where he is going. Communication is really bad between us. Sometimes I got the feeling he cannot stand me anymore. I don't know why, maybe this has to do with parents or something else is going on. This situation is killing me! What about his behavior? His anger, his yelling, throwing things? Is this normal?



No, it is not normal, and you should leave him. If my mom was in the type of relationship your describing, I would want her to leave that a$$. Sounds like he was raised by his parents on a pedestal. He throws a tantrum like a little child, and is not really an adult. Seek help, and get away from that entire family. Ask your family for help, and find a way out.


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## seagull83 (Nov 30, 2014)

Yes,it's true I am married with a child. He hasn't grown up even if he is 32. He doesn't know what a healthy marriage is because his father acted like God in his family and his mother had to obey, to be submissive, to take the put downs and ignore his tantrums and his rage. Unfortunately I didn't notice the dynamics in his family. I hoped that he will grow up, but he hasn't, our situation got even worse. I was looking for some piece of advice on how to handle this situation. I had seen a therapist, I work hard at work so now I got a salary raise. It really boosts my self esteem and makes me happy that at least I am valued at the work place. It is hard, very hard but I am struggling every day. Yesterday he told me that I am not "worthy of love". Well, I know better, but it is still hurt as hell...


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

He is a controlling abuse bully. I wouldn't give him a BJ, why reward bad behavior? I would be thinking about leaving, it's one thing not to live with someone who withholds love and affection but it's another thing to live with someone is abusive and your son shouldn't have to live with that.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

The things he is doing to you is abuse, I agree with the other person you need to start detaching from him and the marriage. The abuse will only get worse as time goes on. 

Your child is going to grow up thinking if is okay to treat and be treated this way,surely you do not want your child to grow up in a household like this. Since he does let you work, maybe you should start saving some money just to make sure you have money if you ever need to get another place to stay.

He will never change this is learned behavior from his childhood and as long as he sees that his parents approve of this he will never ever change, he is humiliating you and controlling you hence not letting you get a driver license, telling you he will get it from someone else,I would not want him touching be after treating me like s***.

Only you can decide to stay or leave, and what is best for you and your son. But I would not stick around much longer to be treated like that, next time you leave stay gone. He knows that you will come running back, therefore each time you leave and come back it will be worse.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

If giving to him without expecting anything in return would result in him feeling more loved, then I'd say go for it. When a man feels treasured he's more likely to cherish his wife. 

It doesn't sound like this will happen here, though. I think he does not respect himself, and you won't be able to change that. He holds you down and prevents your independence because he thinks it will make him less of a man. His fears are more important than his love for you, and it sounds like they will continue to be. 

Two people can learn to be compatible, but only if both are committed to the relationship.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

seagull83 said:


> Yes,it's true I am married with a child. He hasn't grown up even if he is 32. He doesn't know what a healthy marriage is because his father acted like God in his family and his mother had to obey, to be submissive, to take the put downs and ignore his tantrums and his rage. Unfortunately I didn't notice the dynamics in his family. I hoped that he will grow up, but he hasn't, our situation got even worse. I was looking for some piece of advice on how to handle this situation. I had seen a therapist, I work hard at work so now I got a salary raise. It really boosts my self esteem and makes me happy that at least I am valued at the work place. It is hard, very hard but I am struggling every day. Yesterday he told me that I am not "worthy of love". Well, I know better, but it is still hurt as hell...



You have to stop being vulnerable with him. I think you know you should leave him. He has been hard wired that way, and only he can seek help for himself. It could take a long time, or never, for him to change. Accept to yourself that you picked a bad partner, and learn to move on. Make your life fulfilling and remember that state. We have different ranges of emotions, and you should compare your situation when you were happy to this one. Fix what you can, which is pretty much yourself. Create an exit strategy, and don't tell him about it. Record him if possible just in case if you need a restraining order.


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

Why are you paying for "his" car, especially when he refuses to let you learn to drive and use it? Does he make all financial decisions and expect you to just fork over your money without a word? As for his claim that it is "his" house, I don't know where you live, but in the US and much of the world that is not true, especially if you are contributing to the costs.

You say you have a child. If a girl, do you want her to grow up thinking verbal, emotional and physical abuse is acceptable and the norm and she must just accept it? If a boy, do you want him to grow up thinking the same and abuse his wife? I would hope you want better for them.

Stop handing over all all your pay. Open a bank account, in your name only, in a different bank than your husband, preferably in a different town and have your salary direct deposited there. He will have no access to it. Stop paying for "his" car and whatever else benefits him (alone). I hope you didn't tell him about your raise as he will demand more money from you for "his" things. Speak to a divorce attorney to find out your rights and get advice.

You can't change him, you can only change yourself. You deserve to be treated with respect and love, not abused. He will never change as long as you do what he wants and give him what he wants.

IamSomebody


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

seagull83 said:


> I think he may be BDP- he has all the characteristics but I am no doctor.


Perhaps he is, Seagull. The behaviors you describe, however, seem closer to the warning signs for narcissism than BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Whereas you are describing a man who consistently treats you badly and is stable, a BPDer is so emotionally unstable that he typically flips back and forth between treating you badly and treating you sweetly. I therefore suggest you read more about BPD and NPD red flags so you are able to spot strong occurrences of them.

I caution that, if your H does have strong and persistent BPD or NPD traits, they would not have been hidden from you for several years. Instead, they almost certainly would have started showing as soon as his infatuation over you started evaporating -- typically about 6 months into the relationship (or longer if you were living in separate cities).

If you are interested in learning more, an easy place to start reading is my list of red flags at *18 BPD Warning Signs*. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in *Maybe's Thread*. If that description of BPD behaviors rings any bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Seagull.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Two choices:

Stay and deal with the abuse, like his mother.

Leave and find a better life for you and your son.

If you want your child to one day grow up and be just like his Dad, then stay.

It's really as simple as that.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/234257-calling-love-experts.html

Seagull, meet me n my girl. Me n my girl, meet seagul.

Seagull, you'll save some time by reading this thread. I'd be interested to see if you think you two have the same issues. I happen to know they are identical. And VERY common:

1 - Mad doesn't know how to make wife happy.
2 - Wife festers secret deep resentment.
3 - Man is CLUELESS about said resentment. Doesn't "hear" wife articulating these resentments. Continues behavior
4 - Wife becomes another walk-away.
5 - Man is blindsided when he finds out wife had checked out of the marriage years earlier.

It's too bad really. Just about every question someone poses on this forum and the "SHE'S CHEATING" chorus comes out in full. Every thread is "cheating", "infidelity", "keylogger." Yet women are checking out of marriages by the MILLIONS, pretty much following that script I outlined, and we don't talk about it.

Good luck to you. But you are gone. Your husband will not change. Get out of this marriage for both of you.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

seagull83 said:


> He is always unhappy, he is always complaining/criticizing everything I do or don't do.
> 
> But he offers no help with cleaning, cooking, washing dishes...he said it on more occasions that I, as a woman it's my responsibility to keep the house clean, to cook etc.
> 
> ...


READ your own comments above. NONE of these are how a husband should treat his wife. Forget the cheating theory, it hardly matters if he is or he isn't because the above is MORE than enough to leave someone.

I saw this book posted in another thread, I think it's relevant here too:

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/why-does-he-do-that-lundy-bancroft/1102335902?ean=9780425191651


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

independentgirl said:


> if your husband still wants sex with you (without use condom) then chances he is NOT getting it somewhere else.
> He is your husband, so it understandable that he doesn't want to use a condom.
> I don't blame your husband for want to off the condom with his wife.
> 
> ...


For the love of God, DO NOT DO THIS!!! You will end up with yet another child with this horrible man! This is the worst advice you could possibly follow! 

And Independent Girl, I am astonished that you are THIS naive!!

Your husband is a selfish man and he is not going to change his ways no matter what you do from your side. So you either need to learn to live with an ass for the rest of your life, or you can get the hell out. I would suggest you get out. I was married to a man who did a LOT of the same things as your husband, and leaving him was the smartest thing I ever did for myself! Never a single second of regret!


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## seagull83 (Nov 30, 2014)

Thank you very much for your answers! I really appreciate it! Indeed he has a lot of BD signes listed in the list sent by Uptown.
I would like to know how can I stop being vulnerable to him, how can I ignore the hurtful things he says or dones. I know that each one is responssible for one happiness, but I just cannot be happy when I always have to give in, to do exactly as he says...
I know he he will never change as long as I continue with this passive behaviour, but what options do I have? I am afraid of confronting him. It's a really though place to be.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

seagull83 said:


> Thank you very much for your answers! I really appreciate it! Indeed he has a lot of BD signes listed in the list sent by Uptown.
> I would like to know how can I stop being vulnerable to him, how can I ignore the hurtful things he says or dones. I know that each one is responssible for one happiness, but I just cannot be happy when I always have to give in, to do exactly as he says...
> I know he he will never change as long as I continue with this passive behaviour, but what options do I have? I am afraid of confronting him. It's a really though place to be.


You have the option to GET THE HELL OUT.


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## seagull83 (Nov 30, 2014)

It's very hard for me to take this decission, I have to be 100% sure I will not regretting it later. 
One thing I know for sure, I will not have another child, so I am extremely carefull. First baby was an "accident", so I am wiser this time.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

OP I was your husband once...pretty much. I can give you my presepctive of why I was that way, maybe that helps. Immaturity was the primary factor. I was wishy washy with what I wanted in life, whether I wanted to be married, I was selfish, felt entitled...just immature. I also wondered what else was out there...maybe I am missing out. I did not feel a connection to my ex. 

I finally changed because I wanted to change, but that was not until my late 30's. Too late at that point, the damge I did was done. 

So, in hopes of saving your marriage, do the 180 now. He needs a wake up call. He has to want to change, if you wait for him to realize he is an as$, it may be to late...shoot, he may never even do it on his own. He needs education and someone to give him constructive advice on women. I received that from a friend, he may need it professionally. Both of you need to read..read as much as you can on relationships and the other gender. Men and women are different, you need to know what makes you different and tick overall. Finally, His needs/ her needs, read it, know it, live it. 

you cannot make him do any of this, hence the 180 approach. If he does do these things, you will have a partner. Make sure you read too, I am sure you can do things better too...we all can.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

seagull83 said:


> Thank you very much for your answers! I really appreciate it! Indeed he has a lot of BD signes listed in the list sent by Uptown.
> I would like to know how can I stop being vulnerable to him, how can I ignore the hurtful things he says or dones. I know that each one is responssible for one happiness, but I just cannot be happy when I always have to give in, to do exactly as he says...
> I know he he will never change as long as I continue with this passive behaviour, but what options do I have? I am afraid of confronting him. It's a really though place to be.


You can't ignore his abuse. There is no way you can change yourself to make him a better man or better husband.

Make yourself less vulnerable by standing up for yourself. Get that driver's license. If your H doesn't want you to, so what? Take a class, get a friend to help you, whatever - it's a drivers license and you don't need your husband's permission to drive a car. 

And talk to a lawyer. Get advice on what you need to do to prepare for a divorce. This is no way to live, and as you've seen, it only gets worse. He many not have used his fists yet, but he's threatening to every time he shows you his fists. So get out of there, get your son out of there. Your son shouldn't be forced to live with an abusive ass.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

norajane said:


> You can't ignore his abuse. There is no way you can change yourself to make him a better man or better husband.
> 
> Make yourself less vulnerable by standing up for yourself. Get that driver's license. If your H doesn't want you to, so what? Take a class, get a friend to help you, whatever - it's a drivers license and you don't need your husband's permission to drive a car.
> 
> And talk to a lawyer. Get advice on what you need to do to prepare for a divorce. This is no way to live, and as you've seen, it only gets worse. He many not have used his fists yet, but he's threatening to every time he shows you his fists. So get out of there, get your son out of there. Your son shouldn't be forced to live with an abusive ass.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

seagull83 said:


> He has a lot of BD signs listed in the list sent by Uptown.


Seagull, I am happy to learn that you found the information useful. What would be especially helpful, if you have the time, would be for you to tell us which of the 18 traits apply most strongly and which don't seem to apply at all.



> I am afraid of confronting him. It's a really though place to be.


If he has strong BPD or NPD traits, you have good reason to be afraid. Confronting him likely will trigger his rage, especially if he is a BPDer. Importantly, you don't have to do anything to CREATE the anger with a BPDer. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that TRIGGERS a release of the anger that is always there under the skin. BPDers carry that anger and hurt with them from early childhood.



> I would like to know how can I stop being vulnerable to him, how can I ignore the hurtful things he says or does?


The only way to really protect yourself is to leave. If you choose to stay, you can build stronger personal boundaries. Doing so, however, likely will trigger his abandonment fear if he is a BPDer and result in many temper tantrums.



> I know that each one is responsible for one's happiness, but I just cannot be happy when I always have to give in, to do exactly as he says...


Yes, you are responsible for your own happiness. You can choose to pursue happiness by deciding to walk out of this abusive relationship.



> I know he he will never change as long as I continue with this passive behaviour, but what options do I have?


Actually, he likely WILL change. He very likely will get WORSE because, as the years go by, he will become increasingly resentful of your failure to make him happy (an impossible task). Your only safe option, if he has strong BPD or NPD traits, is to leave. Perhaps several years later, you could return to him in the very unlikely event he works hard in therapy (for several years at least) to learn how to manage his issues. The chances of that happening, however, are very low if he has strong BPD traits. I would guess the chances are about 1%. And I've never heard of it happening at all when a man has strong NPD traits.


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## seagull83 (Nov 30, 2014)

The traits apply most strongly are the following:

Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior
Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered
Lack of impulse control
Black-white thinking
A strong sense of entitlement
Low self esteem- in fact he oscillates between law esteem and being very confident to the point he sees the other family, friends as not good enough for him
Drama lover
Always considers himself as the “victim”, never admits his mistakes, always finds a way to blame me for everything

It's so sad that I couldn't see him for who he really is. Seems that love is not enough. We are young, with satisfying financial life, we have a kid, we are healthy, but there is not enough for him. 
It is so hard for me to take a decission, I want the best for my child. Would be so hard to move out, to start over, I have never lived on my own. He will be around because of our child, so he will do his best to hurt me..I know him well enough now. His hurt ego will make him hurt me even after a possible divorce.


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