# Help me



## upsetDan (Jun 17, 2014)

HELP
i have been with my wife for 6 yrs, married for 23 months, we have 3 kids, 4/3/1.
4 months ago she told me she no longer loves me and wants to separate, i moved out, guessing i would be bk in a few days. i was wrong.
my wife has always been very impulsive and makes bad decisions often. she makes and falls out with friends at the drop of a hat. 
2 of her bridesmaids she no longer talks about.
the reason for our separation was she felt i was not emotionally giving enough, she is partly right, i was working long hrs and i suppose i became a bit complacent. But i always put my family first, always provided, always loved.
when we split she surrounded her self with her toxic friend who was saying single life is so much better, she recently had split from her man. within weeks she had introduced her brother to my wife and he soon confessed his undying love for her....
she told me about this and said nothing would ever happen, he is just a friend and he knows where he stands, although she did feel flattered!!
he is still about, texting, calling her, sending poems etc!!!
this has driven me insane, and on a 2 wk prebooked holiday recently i questioned and pushed about this guy, i could not help it. my wife tells me this has pushed her so far away, that she could never love me again and is happy to divorce.
i am distraught. for 4 months i have begged, pleaded, cried, all to the same response... we are over, i will never love you again!
i can not accept this, i set myself up for rejection every day, she has zero interest in sorting it out, marriage councelling, nothing. she is totally dead to the idea of us.

how can i get her to love me again? is this possible? or am i just deluded?

i am in a really bad place right now, i need help. started counceling. but i need help from real people.

PLEASE


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

Let's see: blameshifting, "he is just a friend", toxic friend, etc

oh boy.

I'm betting the timeline was more like, she met the brother, then started finding faults with you. "Undying Love" takes more than a few weeks.

Any chance this brother is married too? then you could expose to his wife. If single, then you can't do much to this poacher.

She won't admit it, to save her reputation, but if you do get a divorce, expect her to go public with this guy.

get the 1 year old DNA tested


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Dan,

Have you spoken to a lawyer about your options? How will things shake out financially, if you do divorce? Will she be able to stay all all snug and cozy in the house? Sometimes, a good dose of reality can snap them out of the fog. 

How long after your separation did she meet this guy, according to her?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I'm sorry you are going through this man. You've read my posts, and saw how similar situations can be. You are validated, and justified in your feelings. Many posts on here reference "The 180" which is a good place to start. I don't know how "possible" "getting her to love you again" is, as my own divorce was planned in advance and I didn't know it was happening until those options were nonexistent anymore. 
You will be in a bad place, for as long as you need to grieve, and then come to terms with this new, seemingly devastating event in your life. 
The fact that another man is involved already, is your cue to not let that garbage she spews about your lack of "emotional giving" or any other "Excuse" she gives take hold of you. They will say anything to make it your fault, for turning their backs on their marriage and pursuing another. 

Get your money in order, get your accounts in order, talk to a lawyer immediately!!!!! You now have the future of how you live in your own hands, and you need to take your own self and those kids seriously in this plan. Learn about what your rights are regarding custody, alimony, child support, etc. 
It was cheaper to work out a divorce agreement between the ex and I with the aide of a lawyer prior to letting the court do it for you. 
We are here for you man. This is all new, and overwhelmingly awful, but please PLEASE believe it when people say that it is not the end of the world, and that your life is not over!!!!! 
I spent the first few months, literally sick to my stomach, fear and the lack of having any control or knowing what was going to happen really screwed me up.... but 2 years later, I live in my own house, I see my kid every other week for the whole week, I pay very little in child support, and life IS ALRIGHT NOW. It will be for you too!!!!


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## upsetDan (Jun 17, 2014)

she has known him for years. to be honest this guy is a loser, he lives on his mates sofa, dont drive, has nothing. i do not believe anything will come of this. she has even said that he is pestering her and that has preyed on the vunerable. i just want my wife back but she dont wanna know. all my kids are mini mes! there is no doubting i am their father. thanks for reply. any more advice is great...


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## upsetDan (Jun 17, 2014)

thank you Shooboomafoo, we dont own our house and our money has always been separate, i pay all bills etc, she only got child support money. she is now getting full housing benefits and money given to her, plus money i give.

she has just become so cold hearted, i just wanna warm it back up. but in reality i dont think this is possible. everytime i talk to her she gets angry. she wants contact only about kids, and i am really struggling, i just want her to notice me and i want to hear her voice. sad and pathetic i know


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Stop being sad and pathetic and start ignoring her. Look up The 180 and do it. That way you'll be in better shape all around.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

" within weeks she had introduced her brother to my wife "



upsetDan said:


> she has known him for years.


which is it?


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

upsetDan said:


> HELP
> i am distraught. for 4 months i have begged, pleaded, cried, all to the same response... we are over, i will never love you again!
> 
> PLEASE


It seems like your marriage is done and you should immediately 180 as been suggested but it is also important for your to understand how unattractive this behavior is.

I agree with others that she is blame shifting. She wanted to leave you and to make that easier she is acting upset over your reaction to her infidelity. 

You are better off without her and very shortly you will realize that, especially with the dose of reality you can get around here.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

"she felt i was not emotionally giving enough, she is partly right, i was working long hrs and i suppose i became a bit complacent. But i always put my family first, always provided, always loved."

Well you are owning up to your own behavior in part at least. From what I can tell, you worked all the time and when you were home did not connect well with your wife. Her needs were simply not being met. After a long period of this, she got tired. She went looking for that connection she was not getting at home and found a man willing to listen.

That is very understandable on her part. My stbxw did the same after I put my career and work first and did not connect well with her. Don't blame your wife. She has been a in a lot of pain, working 24/7 herself with those kids and getting no real emotional support from her partner. She needed an outlet and has found one. That affair is unlikely to last. It is her way of trying to deal with stuff.

But you...are you in IC? You are able to admit "in part" but are you willing to go to IC and try and delve a little deeper into what might have driven you to be the person you have become (detached and distant, taking for granted your w, etc.)? 

You've got a long hard road ahead of you. You can come out of this a better person if you like. You can come out of it a person who is happy, who is engaged with other people, who has hobbies and interests outside of work, and who is in good shape mentally, emotionally, and physically. But that will be up to you. IC is a start. Have any hobbies? What about friends? Now is the time to start building. It will take honesty with yourself and letting go. She is gone at this point and is unlikely to come back. You can let that destroy you or you can get off your duff and get to building up a new life, a good life, one where you will not make the same mistakes as before.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

you've begged and pleaded which will only drive her further away because it is repellent needy behavior. When she was a around you were detached and not really there for her. Now that she's gone, you are a blubbering mess. Why would she ever come back to you?

The 180 thing...you were emotionally not there for her before and if you 180, that does not mean being a prick to her now. It means getting into IC, getting a social network built up, getting to the gym perhaps, getting some hobbies outside of work, etc. It means starting to repair the damage you have done to yourself over the years. It is unlikely your marriage will reconcile, as most don't, but you can come out of this better than you ever imagined, but it will take hard work and honesty on your part. Do no beg her for anything. But by God don't be an a$$ to her either.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sounds like you guys were already having problems and then she met this guy. Not a good combination.

The reason she is hellbent on leaving you is because emotionally she is now attached to someone else.

Don't ever cry and beg and plead for someone. You say you did this for four months--that is too long. 

Tell her that if she is done, then you are willing to let her go. It takes two to make a marriage, after all.

You said you became complacent so in the future, be mindful of that so that it does not create problems in future relationships.


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

One thing wrong with your thinking is you can't make her love you.

The more you try the more she will see you as weak and pathetic. Trust me...I was there not so long ago.

Yes on the 180...yes on focusing on you and the children.

You might find once your apparent co-dependency awareness comes to light, you will exit the fog and find you deserve better. Take what you've learned from your mistakes and try not to repeat them. DO NOT ACCEPT FAULT FOR HER CHEATING...an EA can be worse than a PA.

Pick yourself up and dust yourself off.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

File for divorce and, if it matters at all where you live (talk to a lawyer to find it), cite your wife's infidelity as the cause.

Also, DNA your kids.

And actually... 23 months of marriage? Would that qualify for annulment? Probably not, but check.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

upsetDan said:


> she has known him for years. to be honest this guy is a loser, he lives on his mates sofa, dont drive, has nothing. i do not believe anything will come of this. she has even said that he is pestering her and that has preyed on the vunerable. i just want my wife back but she dont wanna know. *all my kids are mini mes! there is no doubting i am their father. *thanks for reply. any more advice is great...


Uhhh... Do you have any male relatives? Brothers? Cousins? Uncles? Father?

Hey, just saying... Don't shoot the messenger.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Universal script. Doesn't matter if the walkaway spouse is male or female. Everyone's story is different, but a lot of the features are the same. Generally:

1. Marital problems/disatisfaction (usually moreso for one spouse). Men and women communicate differently. Men need to hear "I have a problem and this is what I need to fix it." Women may communicate that sentiment/emotion without stating it. 

2. Walkaway spouse (WAS) remains disenchanted and seeks connection with other. Justfies new interest somehow and continues. Gets whatever missing need met. New interest becomes a habit/addiction.

3. WAS more open about new interest. May even speak about new interest. Left behind spouse (LBS) interest is peaked and may become curious/defensive or mate guard. There is a a wide spectrum of behavior here. Some LBS start to spy, question, follow, stalk or some other behavior. Some others just monitor more curiously or see what is going on and begin to strengthen connection.

4. At this point WAS's new relationship has pretty much developed and choices are being made and priorities being made. It seems most stories here we see that the WAS relationship with paramour > WAS relationship with LBS. 

5. The bomb drop happens here. I LOVE YOU BUT AM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU (ILYBANILWY) usually is the conversation starter/bomb drop, or "I love you like a brother/sister." 

6. The end of the above conversation usually ends up (at least here on TAM) with the "I need space," or "I just need to find myself" script from the WAS. The translations of these statement vary - literal meanings to figuratively telling the LBS that the WAS needs the LBS to go away so they can test drive the new relationship without interference. 

7. Next is usually the beginning of the bargaining/negotiation stage from the LBS. There is a wide spectrum of behavior here too. Some LBSs leave the home as they think they need not rock the boat and give the WAS some space as requested. Some stay and the WAS can go. Often both parties stay in an "in-home" separation. That is a whole different ball of wax. Usually lots of begging / crying / pleading from the LBS at this point. A lot of "I didn't know you were so unhappy" statements from the LBS. The WAS usually replies they let the LBS know many times in the past and this shouldn't be a surprise. 

8. LBS usually finds TAM because of internet searches for "how can I win my wife/husband back." WAS sometimes come here for support too. 

9. LBS lurks and sees what a rollercoaster they are about to ride. Publishes their story. 

10. TAM readers read new post and sigh because most are the same. 

11. TAM readers warmly welcome the LBS to an interesting club of people going through a difficult time. 

12. LBS learns that they can't control anyone but themselves. LBSs learn they cannot make their WASs love them or "win them back" in reality. LBSs learn they need to detach from their WAS in order to self preserve and take care of themselves/kids. LBS learns that they too have contributed to the breakdown on the marriage/relationship and are exactly 1/2 responsible for the dynamics and choices that led them here. LBS eventually starts to realize they are going to be ok and that a lot of people have been through this. They realize there is no way out but through it. 

13. LBS will be suggested to start the "180" or similiar method in order to get themselves detached from the drama and start to get themselves out from being a victim. Some LBS will mis-apply the 180 as a game in order to make the WAS come back. This usually fails. 

Some people reconcile. Some people don't and go through with divorce. Some remain working on their relationships - Some remain in limbo for years. Some people work on themselves and some don't. Some blame their former partners for everything that happened - some take too much responsibility and own the blame entirely. I think the truth lies somewhere in the middle. 

Either way, OP: I welcome you warmly. There are very good people here with very good advice. I highly suggest you keep reading. Great viewpoints from everyone - WAS and LBS, men and women (with good perspective from both). It's very easy to get angry. I did. I blamed my WAS for everything. Looking back, she did what she felt she had to do. We all have the gift of free will. Love is a choice, and it hurts when someone chooses not to love you anymore. In my case, It wasn't about me. It was about her and it took me a long time to accept that. It's natural to take it personally and it hurt. I understand.

Sorry for the soliloquy. Just a few thoughts. You WILL be ok with the proper self care.

Also, read the Coping with Infidelity section of TAM. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

oh boy...

read this thread completely

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...9154-separated-wife-really-want-her-back.html


guys, share some threads he can read


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

helolover said:


> Universal script. Doesn't matter if the walkaway spouse is male or female. Everyone's story is different, but a lot of the features are the same. Generally:
> 
> 1. Marital problems/disatisfaction (usually moreso for one spouse). Men and women communicate differently. Men need to hear "I have a problem and this is what I need to fix it." Women may communicate that sentiment/emotion without stating it.
> 
> ...


Great post !!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Basically, at this point you have to man up and stop whining.

Whether or not you manage to get your wife back is almost irrelevant right now.

What's important is protecting your kid, protecting your assets, getting checked for STDs, and planning for a good future for your kid and yourself.

This means hiring a lawyer to see what your options are. Visiting a health clinic to get tested. And segregating your finances from her.

It also means getting straight who does what with your child.

All of your communications should start going through an attorney.

If she wants to move on, then let her! Grease the skids but not her pocketbook.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Uhhh... Do you have any male relatives? Brothers? Cousins? Uncles? Father?
> 
> Hey, just saying... Don't shoot the messenger.


:lol:

Gus, I'm warming up to you more and more every day.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> i am distraught. for 4 months i have begged, pleaded, cried, all to the same response... *we are over, i will never love you again!**i can not accept this*, i set myself up for rejection every day, she has zero interest in sorting it out, marriage councelling, nothing. she is totally dead to the idea of us.
> 
> how can i get her to love me again? is this possible? or am i just deluded?
> 
> ...



*You better find a way to accept it or you will become worse than you are now*. There is no doubt that you are in great pain but your wife is not your whole world. If you take the right steps you will get over her to a degree and be able to have a good life. *Millions of men have done it and so can you.*

Based upon your wife’s statements there is very little chance that you have of her coming back to you.
* Do you really want her back after she has treated you like shyt? If Yes then WHY?*


*What are you doing to become more self sufficient?*In a situation like yours you have to learn to get a little tougher and build yourself up because she is not going to build you up at all. In fact she has torn you down but it is up to you to bet yourself better. That is the real world


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

The theme I get from TAM and generally is stop being pathetic and man up. Focus on yourself, improve yourself. Eventually you get over this and find a mate who you will love even more. It's a painful process from there to there, but it will happen.

For me as the WAS I have a bit easier time with my divorce, although I do have a lot of sympathy for my LBS. I see the thread through my eyes, and agree 180 would help a lot. 

Good luck.


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## upsetDan (Jun 17, 2014)

thank you. how long did it take for you to get you back?


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## upsetDan (Jun 17, 2014)

thank you. i want her back because i want a stable life for my children. i believe that them having parents together will give them a better life. i married my wife because i wanted it to last forever......

as far as sorting myself... i am loking for somewhere to live permenantly, got myself back down the gym, seeing old friends, BUT it is no replacement for my wife.

today she has this guy round fitting windows for my little girls wendy house. (he is a carpenter) so this is eating away at me. i am 100% she has not seen him for over 2 wks previous to today


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Here is what will happen next. You will find that they are involved at some point. this guy is not a platonic friend.

Dan, you are upset and lost, I get it. But your instinct is your worst enemy now. Wake up before it is too late. Read as many threads as you can on here and CWI section. Your situation is a pattern that happens again and again. I am not joking about this. The same story is posted again and again in relationship threads. Read them and learn from them. 

Also, there is always more in situations like this. Get the truth however you can.

Did you read the 180 ?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Rugs said:


> :lol:
> 
> Gus, I'm warming up to you more and more every day.


:smthumbup:


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

AFPhoenix said:


> One thing wrong with your thinking is you can't make her love you.
> 
> The more you try the more she will see you as weak and pathetic. Trust me...I was there not so long ago.
> 
> ...


Dan.... what does moving forward, doing the 180 / NC do?

Read AFP's thread. He was where you are now.

Have you read NMMNG and MMSL?


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

upsetDan said:


> thank you. i want her back because i want a stable life for my children. i believe that them having parents together will give them a better life. i married my wife because i wanted it to last forever......
> 
> as far as sorting myself... i am loking for somewhere to live permenantly, got myself back down the gym, seeing old friends, BUT it is no replacement for my wife.
> 
> today she has this guy round fitting windows for my little girls wendy house. (he is a carpenter) so this is eating away at me. i am 100% she has not seen him for over 2 wks previous to today


If I could smack you right now I would. Snap out of it. Getting your wife back wont get you a "stable home for your children". your wife would have to return with a different brain and how likely is that?

She is a selfish, dishonest, unfaithful, narcissist. What makes you think any of that will change or even can change. When you deal with this, that will be the day your kids have a stable home.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

and to extend what SEggs is saying.... if she realizes she can cheat

and you still want her back...... what position does that leave you in?


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

I don't actually have much to add at this point that hasn't been said before, but our stories are similar and I'm glad Warlock07 suggested my thread.

Keep your head high mate, and i know it's difficult but scrutinise all my mistakes, and try not to make them yourself. 

You'll be a better man for this, if you put the work in :smthumbup:


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## upsetDan (Jun 17, 2014)

how are you doing now WWB? The only difference between our stories is i have 3 kids so i cant do NC and most of 180.

i cant help but want her back.... but getting stronger each day.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

upsetDan said:


> i cant do NC and most of 180.


bullpucky. You WON'T do it.

Wake up, man.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Like my momma used to say, "Can't is a cowardly word unfit to be heard by any old turd"


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

upsetDan said:


> how are you doing now WWB? The only difference between our stories is i have 3 kids so i cant do NC and most of 180.
> 
> i cant help but want her back.... but getting stronger each day.


In all honesty mate, life has never been better. I'm so much happier now than I was in my M, I miss what (not *who* I had sometimes, but I'm happier within myself, which is far more important to me.

Been keeping busy, dated a few different women, had a relationship with one that went bad, but I walked away like a man and placed my interest elsewhere :smthumbup:. Actually have a date coming up this weekend with a girl with real potential.

I'm not sure if you want "her" back. I found I wanted my fantasy version of "her" back, the her that existed only in my mind. In my mind i'd built her up as this perfect goddess, didn't allow me to see her for what she actually was, just a regular human with a serious childhood trauma. Once I realised I was pining for something that never actually existed, things got easier.

You can do the NC and 180 mate - only communicate with regards to the kids.

Don't make small talk.

If she tries, don't respond, pull conversation back to business.

Whatever you do, don't discuss your marriage, your feelings, anything like that.

Strictly business & the well-being of the kids.

The only person you damage by straying from the 180, is yourself. Took me a while to realise it was so self-destructive, but it is. Try your best not to, show her you're strong.

I can't believe that when my wife wanted to come back, I had the strength to tell her to f*ck off, never thought I'd be capable of that, but it felt awesome, and it felt right.


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