# HELP!!! She's emotionally detached!!!



## IDKWTD911 (Aug 2, 2012)

Hello, this is my first post on this site but I am desperate! I'll write the whole story...

My girlfriend and I have been together as a couple 5 1/2 years. We've known each other for about 13 total years. In the beginning of May, she came to me and said she thinks we should separate, funny enough, a week earlier I was thinking the same thing. During the month of April we both were very distant from each other, basically roommates. Anyway, when she said she wanted to separate, I told her I did not want to because I loved her and even with my own thoughts of separating, I knew it was not what I really wanted.

We had a long discussion that night and she told me she was emotionally detached and disconnected from the relationship and me. During our 5 1/2 years together, we only had heated arguments about one thing. _She felt I did not show her enough attention and love and she was_ RIGHT! When we would argue I would constantly say, "maybe we aren't compatible", "maybe we should break up", I'm now at the point where I realize that I only said those things to get a reaction out of her and that reaction was her begging me to not leave. I realized I was feeding my ego, because I wanted her to act like that so I would know she needed me. Well after 5 years of that she is now Emotionally detached, to the point that during a semi-seperation she was partying, living it up, flirting with men, getting phone numbers and having sex with some of them. It definitely hurt to find that out but I knew she was up to something and at the same time I understand I had a hand in getting her to that point. So I'm willing to move past that, since our 5 1/2 years together when she wasn't emotionally detached she was an AWESOME girlfriend.

All of this came to a head in mid-July, when I found out about what she was doing while I was gone and how she was acting. We've had some very long conversations about working on the relationship and through it all, I came to realize why I acted the way I and explained that to her and she unhappily understands. During our relationship I was a different person, than I've ever been and I took it out on her and it ruined our relationship.

With all our discussions I'm the one who really wants to try to fix it. She is back and fourth about trying and honestly it is KILLING ME! I don't know what to do because I love her to death but she keeps saying, "after 51/2 years, why couldn't you have been like this before", "it took you this long and for us to get to this point" and all I can say is you're right. To me it feels like I've 95% lost her but I know there is something still there, even if it's a tiny 5%. I've recently moved out of our Condo and the timing couldn't have been better for her because her good friend needed a place to stay for a couple months. I begged her to stay but she feels us being a part will be the best thing for her, if we're going to have a chance. I tried and tried with her to stay but I ultimately trusted in her that being apart would be the best for us, because it would be the best for her.

Since leaving about a week ago, I've been the man I promised I would be, the "New, Old me" and she has appreciated it. We've agreed to go to counseling and do a date night once a week. She every now and then says she loves me and misses me but I don't know how to take it. *If she loved me or missed me why would she want to be away from me? * Not to mention I'm doubting her commitment to trying because she says that at this point she can't give 100% into to it because of her new promotion at work, etc. etc.

My biggest fear is that she has fallen in love with this new party life(she's 28 years old) and forgotten about the life she had with me and all the plans for the future we had. My heart is broken at this point and I'm very discouraged. Any help or advice, please I'm desperate and need some guidance....

Thanks


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

She can love and miss you without wanting to go back to you. For five years, she asked you to meet her needs and you ignored her requests and implied that she wasn't the girl for you. Now that she believes you, you want her back, so you've told her "I did this to manipulate you into proving you wanted me" and she's mentally adding "and so that I wouldn't have to actually do what you wanted." 

And you want her to think that a week has changed everything. 

The only advice I can give you is to stop being manipulative. She's smart to keep her distance. It's not HER that's failed to show commitment to trying, it's you, so why are you doubting her? It's YOU that you should be doubting. Can you really give her what she wants and needs day after day? I'd say you should be spending a few months practicing before you say you can, and she should make sure you have had plenty of practice before she returns to a relationship that puts her in a position where she feels taken for granted.


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## IDKWTD911 (Aug 2, 2012)

Kathy, I've admitted I was wrong. At the time I was doing what I was doing, I honestly didn't realize it. I never used to be this person until the girlfriend before my current one. She changed me, made me into that horrible person, with the way she manipulated me and how we argued. Then unfortunately my current girlfriend got this new person. I've stop being manipulative and during one of our talks to show her, I beared everything to her about myself. Told her that I realized I was feeding my ego, told her about why and told her the truth about everything about and I mean EVERYTHING! I want her to understand that I'm sincere and being as real to her as possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

IDKWTD911 said:


> Kathy, I've admitted I was wrong. At the time I was doing what I was doing, I honestly didn't realize it. I never used to be this person until the girlfriend before my current one. She changed me, made me into that horrible person, with the way she manipulated me and how we argued. Then unfortunately my current girlfriend got this new person. I've stop being manipulative and during one of our talks to show her, I beared everything to her about myself. Told her that I realized I was feeding my ego, told her about why and told her the truth about everything about and I mean EVERYTHING! I want her to understand that I'm sincere and being as real to her as possible.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Please try to understand that she may honestly love you and miss you deeply. But still not be willing to re-enter a relationship with you. She has learned from long experience that you have zero problem ignoring her needs and is no longer willing to be in a relationship that isn't good for her. Sometimes, saying you're sorry just isn't enough. Sometimes, it really is just too late.

It sounds like you had plenty of chances to change for her and do better, plenty of notice as to what she needed that you weren't giving her. In her mind, you are blaming the past 5+ years of bad behavior on your ex - rather than taking responsibility for your own poor behavior and bad choices. She also sees you claiming to have made major changes in a matter of weeks after five years of blowing off her requests for those changes. She probably doesn't trust that the changes are real. And why would she when all you're offering is your word? Perhaps she wonders why, if you could suddenly change this fast, you didn't do it earlier when she needed you to - before you had pushed her completely away. Right now, all she sees is you freaking out and trying to lure her back with promises of change that may or may not be real and sustainable. At this point, she doesn't really owe you another chance. 

I would recommend that you respecfully agree to stop bothering her and do some work on yourself. Make the changes you feel you would like to make in yourself, for yourself. Sustain those for a good amount of time (months, at least). If you are still interested in her, and she is free, you can then speak to her about another chance.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Sounds to me like she is just done. As long as you were together, and needs weren't being met, you were not married, so she can go out with other people and have fun.

I am sorry it took all this for you to realize what was happening inside your relationship. Sometimes that's what it takes, but it doesn't make it any easier.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

IDKWTD911 said:


> Kathy, I've admitted I was wrong. At the time I was doing what I was doing, I honestly didn't realize it. I never used to be this person until the girlfriend before my current one. She changed me, made me into that horrible person, with the way she manipulated me and how we argued. Then unfortunately my current girlfriend got this new person. I've stop being manipulative and during one of our talks to show her, I beared everything to her about myself. Told her that I realized I was feeding my ego, told her about why and told her the truth about everything about and I mean EVERYTHING! I want her to understand that I'm sincere and being as real to her as possible.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're fooling yourself if you believe this. 

Nobody "makes" you anything. You choose what to believe or not, how to act, and so on. Your new girlfriend spent years telling you to "be that nicer man" and you didn't do it. Why? Because nobody can "make" someone be different. 

So now you think that an admission makes all the difference, but it doesn't. You could have made that admission all along. What's different now? The fact that you've lost her. She knows that when you HAVE her, you don't believe what your words are now saying and that you blame everyone while you refuse to take responsibility for yourself. Your new-found knowledge isn't about honoring her. It's about getting what you want.

I know that this sounds harsh. Heck, it *is* harsh. You have very high self-protective walls that keep others from getting close to the truths you don't want them to see, and so I'm trying to lob a grenade through that wall because nothing else will get through. 

I hope you'll go back and re-read my post above and this one a few times. If you step outside of your own walls and really consider things from HER viewpoint, the viewpoint I wrote about, you stand a greater chance of finding the outcome you're seeking.


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## IDKWTD911 (Aug 2, 2012)

After an experience with someone you pick up certain traits, that is what I meant to say about my ex-girl. I became someone else to survive in that relationship and never realized it. 

With my current girl, I have to make this clear. She was not very clear about how I was treating her. She gave mixed signals, we would argue if I went to go hang out with my friends or visit my family and while there I did not text her or call her. Just to preface this, we spent a lot, most of our time with each other. If I wasn't at work, I was with her. 

Now again when we argued I would say maybe we were not compatible and we hardly argued but when we did it was only about this. She felt I did not give her enough attention or love but as I said, when I was not at work, we spent 95% of the time together. I did not do a lot of things to be with her because I enjoyed her company and I know she wanted that. I agree that I should've appreciated her more and the biggest thing was to show I appreciated her. But again things were not as clear as you may think they were. During our whole relationship she would give me hallmark cards saying how she is thankful I'm in her life and thank you for being who I am and she wouldn't want things any other way? So when I get cards like that, what am I suppose to think? Especially when, like I said, the only arguments we had were about lack of attention. But she's "glad I am who I am" and all the beautiful cards saying so...

As I said things aren't as cut and dry and obviously you guys don't know EVERYTHING about us but I'm here asking for help and advice in getting her back and any things I can do to getting us back to a happy place.

How can I win her back? How can I get us back to a happy place?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You probably can't.

People can only take so much before they're just done.

Without marriage to hold you, it's an 'easy' split for her. 

Treat people how you want to be treated. Don't say you didn't know.


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## IDKWTD911 (Aug 2, 2012)

FYI, growing up and throughout my life I've always been a very caring and thoughtful person and truly, TRULY did not realize how I was acting and treating her. To give you more information, my ex is still in our lives because I have a daughter with her and of course we need to stay in contact. As I mentioned it is always a battle and my ex constantly manipulates me through my daughter. The constant battling and fighting with the ex, definitely spilled over in my current relationship. So really looking within myself, I saw that when my girlfriend and I argued, I argued with my girlfriend the same way I argued with the ex. Which was TOTALLY wrong, because I love my girlfriend and should not have treated her like that. 

And yes you do not have to repeat that I should've done a lot of things I did. I KNOW!!!

But does anyone have any ideas? I understand the need to make me more aware of what I did wrong but no one has volunteered any ideas, except to work on myself, which I am currently doing. 

Should I give her space? Should I continue to show her how much I love her? Should I give her gifts and/or little things that will show her that I'm back to the old me, pre-the ex? I really would like a woman's perspective and thoughts on what would work for you? 

This former JERK, needs your help...


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## MrsKeepTrying (Jul 31, 2012)

Ask her specifically what she wants from you. If she wants space, then give it to her. If she doesn't know what she wants, then you can't force yourself on her. She has to decide for herself where she is in her head. Be prepared for her to say, "I can't see us together anymore." If so, then LET HER GO. You're only making yourself miserable pining after someone who has lost feelings for you.


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## IDKWTD911 (Aug 2, 2012)

I have asked her specifically does she want to try, does she want to still be in the relationship and I get yes one day and no the other! It's such a confusing situation because when we talk and she is hanging up she'll say the "I love you", with out me saying it first, and another example is last Saturday I was at my best friends daughters birthday party and she was out of town, she said she wishes she was there with me...? When she got back from her business trip, I left her a little surprise on the bed with a very loving hallmark card and a box of mixed nuts I got from whole foods(which she loves), with me signing it, "with everything going on with us, I'm still nuts about you" She said she loved it and really, really appreciated it. 

At this point I've decided to step back from her and let her clear her head. It's been a whirlwind and a lot has been going on with her, new promotion at job, her mom might have a "lump", just getting back from her business trip to NY which coincided with me moving out and of course our dire relationship situation. 

While stepping back, should I contact her at all? Should I show signs of affection? Send her little notes, little things that show I'm thinking about her? I ask because that was the complaint in the relationship and ultimately led us to where we are. And I do not want to disappoint her again, I promised her I would never go back to being that "other guy" because it really wasn't me.


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## docj (Jun 18, 2009)

Hello. Ill tell you something you may not.want to hear. Experience from my past marriage. When a woman is done she is done. No amount of cajolling will bring her back.	Women take years to snap and when.they do, there is nobretirn. Focus on you now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## docj (Jun 18, 2009)

I thought id die when mybwife walked out. Its been two years n now remarried. Next relationship, meet.her needs. Like you get a check every two weeks to.keep you going,do the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

IDKWTD911 said:


> she is now Emotionally detached, to the point that during a semi-seperation she was partying, living it up, flirting with men, getting phone numbers and having sex with some of them.


Dude she's not into you anymore, she's out having loads of fun, and worse yet, she's having sex with other guys. 



IDKWTD911 said:


> Since leaving about a week ago, I've been the man I promised I would be, the "New, Old me" and she has appreciated it.


You are not, you have not become the man you promised to be, in a WEEK. Odds are you're never going to change, most people don't, but even if you do make improvements to yourself, that takes years. You're just acting like the man you thinks she wants you to be, and she might say she appreciates it but she knows you're the same guy you were last Thursday and the new you is not going to bring her running back into your arms. In fact, you acting like you think she wants you to be, and looking for her appreciation is going to work against any chance of reconciliation because it makes you look weak and clingy by trying so hard to "win her back". 



IDKWTD911 said:


> We've agreed to go to counseling and do a date night once a week.


I'm surprised she went that far. Maybe you do have that 5% chance of fixing this. Make it count. Read the threads here and take the advice of experienced and smart posters such as myself when we tell you to 'do the 180' and go live your own life while she's living hers, even though it may seem counterproductive.



IDKWTD911 said:


> She every now and then says she loves me and misses me but I don't know how to take it.


You ever buy a new car but keep the old one around, and the new car has all these bells and whistles but sometimes when you slide behind the wheel of the old car it just feels safe and comfortable because you know where all the dials are and how it handles in the turns when it's raining?



IDKWTD911 said:


> My biggest fear is that she has fallen in love with this new party life(she's 28 years old) and forgotten about the life she had with me and all the plans for the future we had.


Most relationships don't go the distance. People grow apart from each other, sometimes one or both realize the person they're with just isn't doing it for them anymore, they move on.

Look on the bright side. 5 1/2 years is a long time, but it's not like you were together 20 years with a house, kids, etc.

It sucks, but it could be a lot worse.


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