# Busted ?



## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

My boyfriend and I met through a virtual reality game. We also had virtual sex/ video sex. He moved to the Netherlands five years ago.

Just got home early and found him naked in the living room, laptop closed but in front of him.

Just jerking of or doing the same thing as before, but with someone else? What would you do/ think?

I'm aware I'm a very insecure woman.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Did you ask him?


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

if he was naked I would think it was with some one I'm afraid as guys normally just slip down trousers with porn at the most


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

He was rubbing one out.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

No way of knowing, or at least not without an understanding of his usual masturbatory habits. A few questions for you:

1. Did you ask him what he was doing?
2. Can you check his computer to see if there is any evidence of what he was doing? (Browser history, certain video chat applications installed, etc.?) If there is no browser history, then that almost certainly means he is deleting it or using a private browser mode, which should never be allowed within a relationship.
3. If he was just viewing porn, is that something that you are comfortable with a relationship? (Quick tip: You shouldn't be ok with that)
4. How does he usually masturbate? Clothed, fully naked, in the shower/bathroom, in the bed, etc.?


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

Yes, I asked him.



1. He said he was finished eating and using p.c. , planning to go in the shower and thinking of me



2. His browser history showed normal stuff. No visible video chat apps. He's a computer freak so he can do and hide whatever he wants, I would never be sure.



3. He used to watch porn a lot when single and he said he doesn't need that anymore. No I'm not OK with that.



4. I know he masturbates in the shower. He used to do porn, but swears he doesn't do that anymore.



The fully naked part bothers me the most. For rubbing one out, being totally nude seems weird. To undress for a shower downstairs when the bathroom is upstairs seems weirder even.


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## Ckone1800 (Jul 13, 2015)

catfan said:


> Yes, I asked him.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You caught him in a lie, or actually multiple lies, in my opinion. Fully undressing to jerk off? Because he just was random inc thinking about you while preparing to take a shower in the living room while on the PC? Uh, okay. Where was his clothes? If they were near him and the PC, I would definitely not believe anything he has said.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Giving up porn is difficult for many men because its like an endless drug.

You might try holding him in bed and asking him to tell you what goes through his head when he is online. You are not going to condemn him for that secret life. But you want to know it so that he cannot have it without you.

Do not lose your temper or get upset. Listen and understand. Ask him how his online habits affect his intimacy with you. Ask him how he could eliminate any secret online sexual activity in favor of promoting your sex life. Ask him to suggest ways. It is his responsibility. He should want to resolve this.

Be persistent. You are not nagging him but searching for answers. 

If he came home and you were naked on the couch with laptop. He would certainly be curious.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yeah my guess is that he's lying about a number of issues, but that won't necessarily answer your initial question of whether or not he was video sexing with another woman.

For starters, I'd say virtually 98-99% of men who "used to watch porn a lot" still use porn, a LOT, and readily lie about it.

Saying something about how he was only going to think about you while masturbating? That's a really standard lie. I'm not saying he doesn't think about you while yanking it, but our brains are craving relief and we can't restrict our thoughts like that, no way.

If he's a computer geek, then yes, he could cover up absolutely anything he wanted to. It's really not too difficult, so there isn't much you can do about that.

Unless he normally goes to bed/sleep in the nude, then I would feel confident in guessing that he was doing something you wouldn't approve of. Whether that was video sexing with someone else or not, there is probably no way to know for sure, but it certainly sounds very plausible. After all, he can masturbate in the shower without his PC, or even sitting in the bathroom and watch/read porn on his phone or something like that. Think about what kind of activities he could be doing that would involve him needing to be both naked and require the use of the PC, that couldn't be effectively accomplished in the bathroom...


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

catfan said:


> The fully naked part bothers me the most. For rubbing one out, being totally nude seems weird. To undress for a shower downstairs when the bathroom is upstairs seems weirder even.


Yep your on it as I said

Put a key logger on and monitor

Try it on your computer first to make sure you know how to install and make sure its hidden then his


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Since you know that he is no stranger to video sex, it is highly likely that is still doing it. It doesn't mean that he sees it as cheating. But if he is hiding it, what does that imply?

I think you have a right to know.

Is he dependent on you for residency?

Does he contribute his fair share to your household expenses?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Bottom line, he is lying, you know it. What constitutes cheating? IMO he is , you got together through video sex and he is doing it with someone else, easy for him being a computer nerd and all.

Place a hidden cam in the bedroom and see what it reveals or put spyware on his PC. There are many 'experts' on this forum who can give you advice on the specifics I'm sure.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

After a while he admitted he was about to jerk of on a porn channel on tv. I guess that was why the blinds were closed and he wad nude. The laptop did stand to the side a bit. Guess it's a reasonable explanation and I have to deal with that. I wasn't in the mood for sex lately, so I have a part in it too.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

catfan said:


> After a while he admitted he was about to jerk of on a porn channel on tv. I guess that was why the blinds were closed and he wad nude. The laptop did stand to the side a bit. Guess it's a reasonable explanation and I have to deal with that. I wasn't in the mood for sex lately, so I have a part in it too.


Sounds to me like after he thought of the situation--him being completely naked but denying porn he realized it sounded ridiculous but it was better to admit to porn than web camming. Does he routinely get completely naked to masturbate?


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

catfan said:


> After a while he admitted he was about to jerk of on a porn channel on tv. I guess that was why the blinds were closed and he wad nude. The laptop did stand to the side a bit. Guess it's a reasonable explanation and I have to deal with that. *I wasn't in the mood for sex lately,* so I have a part in it too.


How come?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Unusual behavior and gut instincts are not often incorrect indicators of secretive behavior of all kinds.

Cheating is one secretive behavior but it could be anything from getting a little kinky with himself to just wanting to strut around naked.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

Porn kind of makes sense but being totally naked is strange.

Maybe he was just feeling kinky.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

carmen ohio said:


> How come?




As I mentioned I'm insecure about myself an I gained a bit of weight. Not much, but enough to feel less attractive.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

catfan said:


> As I mentioned I'm insecure about myself an I gained a bit of weight. Not much, but enough to feel less attractive.


That is not smart from a relationship standpoint.

Also, you should seek help to overcome your self-image problem.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

carmen ohio said:


> That is not smart from a relationship standpoint.
> 
> Also, you should seek help to overcome your self-image problem.




I've had therapy for a long time now for that. But the impact of being bullied for 14 years is huge on ones' self-image. 

My partner watching perfect women in porn influences that too and surely doesn't make want to more sex.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

There's nothing wrong with the way you look.

Did you ever do the love languages test with him?


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

catfan said:


> I've had therapy for a long time now for that. But the impact of being bullied for 14 years is huge on ones' self-image.
> 
> My partner watching perfect women in porn influences that too and surely doesn't make want to more sex.


Understood, but I thought -- based upon what you said a few posts ago -- that you are rejecting your partner's sexual overtures because you've gained weight. If that's the case, then it's not his porn watching habits that are the problem, it's your lack of self-esteem.

I am not blaming you for how you feel. I am simply suggesting that you do something about it.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Carmen is correct. You need to work on your self esteem. You really need to love yourself, and have confidence in yourself. You need to understand that you don't have to compete with all the women in the world. Learn that you have the most precious gift to give your BF, something you have been working on all your life, and is just perfect for giving to your BF, and that is you.

You are not alone, work on your self esteem.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

carmen ohio said:


> How come?


Are you asking or punning?


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

catfan said:


> I've had therapy for a long time now for that. But the impact of being bullied for 14 years is huge on ones' self-image.
> 
> My partner *watching perfect women* in porn influences that too and surely doesn't make want to more sex.


Not all porn is composed of perfect women. There are fat people, thin people, old people, youngish people, and all other kinds of body-types. The variety is endless. Every fetish is catered to.

He may well be watching fat old women with large pendulous breasts.

Do you know what his preference is?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Hit the gym, cut back on carbs.

But remember, unless you are grossly obese, there is no reason to be worried about your appearance. Men respond to women who respond.

If you are loving, does he respond negatively?


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

2asdf2 said:


> Not all porn is composed of perfect women. There are fat people, thin people, old people, youngish people, and all other kinds of body-types. The variety is endless. Every fetish is catered to.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




All kinds of heterosexual sex, no extreme body parts. Mostly fit, skinny girls.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Hit the gym, cut back on carbs.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




No, I'm not grossly obese and already eat low carb for years. 

He responds very positively when I approach him for cuddling or sex.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

No one get's butt naked, no where near a bathroom, to masturbate..... He must think you are a fool.

That's like a guy taking his pants and underwear off to use a urinal in a public bathroom. 

Obviously, based on his prior history, he was video sex chatting another woman. 

To believe otherwise would be incredibly naïve. Is this a deal breaker for you?

More importantly, until he CONFESSES the truth, the LYING ought to be a deal breaker.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The only reason he'd be naked is so the person on the other end of his computer's camera can SEE him being naked. Install a keylogger on his computer.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> No one get's butt naked, no where near a bathroom, to masturbate..... He must think you are a fool.
> 
> That's like a guy taking his pants and underwear off to use a urinal in a public bathroom.
> 
> ...





We were only video chatting with each other in a sexual way back then. For both of us this was new. So it's not like you think.

And yes, he likes to take all his clothes off to masturbate. I've seen that before.

I don't want to be naive, but not reading too much in it either.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

@catfan

Of course you've seen it before. It was for your benefit. 

Why would he take his clothes off if he was by himself?

You've clearly swept this right under the rug so good luck to you. 

See you in a few months when you come back to tell us how right we were all along.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> @catfan
> 
> Of course you've seen it before. It was for your benefit.
> 
> ...


People do different things to enhance their erotic experience. Why not undress?

I don't see the rug sweeping that you see.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Getting undressed to please himself doesn't mean anything...... Please don't condemn this guy just because he takes his clothes off.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Let's see:

1) Laptop square in front of him (probably closed lid when he heard OP coming)

2) Ass naked to beat off when all he has to do is unzip a fly

3) History of video chatting and sexing people including OP




catfan said:


> What would you do think?



No, what do YOU think is more plausible? 

His fairytale or the incredibly obvious.




2asdf2 said:


> I don't see the rug sweeping that you see.


You still don't?



catfan said:


> I don't want to be naive, but not reading too much in it either.


Maybe you SHOULD.

Good Luck.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

turnera said:


> The *only* reason he'd be naked is so the person on the other end of his computer's camera can SEE him being naked. Install a keylogger on his computer.


turnera, while I think that a quite plausible explanation, it's not the only one and I don't think it fair to tell catfan this.

I agree, however, that she should investigate further to see if there is something going on.


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