# What is love after 20 years?



## Lullaby (Jan 19, 2011)

I told my husband of 20 years that I wanted a divorce in August, but he was so shocked and dismayed that I reconsidered. He quit drinking, we've been to counseling and he bought me real Christmas and birthday presents for the first time. Peace at last and life is smooth. HOWEVER, I cannot for the life of me get myself to recomit to the marriage. 
I think that I'm now noticing all the things that I didn't notice before because the alcoholism was so much in the way. I have for a long time thought that i really shouldn't have married him in the first place, but have been determined to stay married for all these years. Just for some background - not a single person in my life was surprised when i said that i was getting divorced. Also, I have been so used to burying my own feelings that I don't really know how i feel. Should I actually be in love with my husband or is a certain amount of ennui normal at our age? 
I know that i still have sexual desire -oh yes! But he was never a skilled lover and the frequency has been way way down for years. Only since August has he even been the initiater.(!) No hugs, no kissing, certainly no grabbing.
He does not elevate the conversation with original thoughts - ever. I read, he does not. I want to do everything - he wants to fish. I like fishing too and am very good at it, but I love to golf, love to sew, am developing an interest in opera and would like to travel to Europe (no fishing - no interest from him).
We have all the domestic stuff figured out, the kids are grown and fine. The money is all mine, thank god, so i can leave any time i like. Why not? Well, i am 58 years old for one thing and have been in relationships pretty much my entire adult life. I am afraid of being old and alone. I would feel horrible guilt since he has done everything i have asked, and i'm still not satisfied, so i think it's my fault. Also, what the hell should i expect. He is good looking, has great hygene and moral standards, does not get in the way of me doing anything and everything I want to do with my time. He takes care of all the manly chores and responsibilities. He does the best he can and I think i'm just being too picky.
I have a few marriage books, but I don't read them because like I said, I just don't feel comitted.
Back to the question. What does or should love feel like at my age? should it feel like "I'm married to my best friend" or "The greatest guy in the world"? I know I don't feel that way, but should I at least try to get there?


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## chippey (Jan 25, 2012)

WOW! Except for a few specifics, I would have thought I wrote your post. You are married to a good guy but you are acting as roommates, not a married couple. I feel for you. I wish I could give you some advice but I need some myself. There are more of us out there than you can imgaine. Good luck.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

WOW , except for a few spec... I too could have written that post !!! 
I have no idea ? One friends husband said to her the other day,... "what more is there to say ? its all been said ? "

grrrr... in my case we grew apart after 28 yrs together... but H thinks it possible to go back in time ... 

so I really dont know what love is after 20 yrs ... any one else with thoughts please share ... 

~sammy


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

No one ever considers that one could be burnt out. You get burnout from jobs, activities and you can burnout from relationships. That's what 20 years is; burnout. All the other stuff is the specifics of that. For instance, after years of being interrupted and corrected, I rarely if ever offer an opinion. About anything. She thinks we have the same taste in everything but in fact we have her taste in everything. Having a different view is not something that ever goes well. She takes it as an attack so it's easier to say "Oh yes dear, that's brilliant". Burnout. It's just burnout.


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## Almost30 (Jan 19, 2012)

Oh Runs like Dog, I so agree. My H will say 'we discussed this' and seem shocked that I didn't do a certain thing but the 'discussion' was simply him telling me for hours on end what should be done. I am so burnt out that I rarely argue, it just means the nagging is prolonged.
Lullaby, I wish I could offer you something but I have been married coming up 30 years and I think I have to bite the bullet and leave. 
I wish you all the best with your decision.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

You're simply a victim of the modern self-centered society you've lived in.

Leave your husband. Understand that you will lose him and he will be with other women. You will most likely never find true happiness with anyone else or with yourself. You just don't know and don't want to know that true happiness can only occur when you develop unconditional love for yourself and others. When you stop expecting and start giving.

True happiness = True love for life. 

Neither your husband, nor anyone else in life can ever give you what you are missing.


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## Better Future (Jan 18, 2012)

Just wanted to share with others on this thread (except the last person whose post I will ignore) that I feel the same way, and for me it is more than 30 years. I know what I feel and it should not be this way. It is not burnout, if I am honest I have known for a very long time that this marriage is not right for either of us. But it becomes so "comfortable", the family unit is strong and the finances if we split are scary (tho not impossible).
Hence the intertia.
But I do believe in a better future. Just don't know how to get there


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