# New Marriage In Trouble Already, Now Wife Has Cancer



## Nix (Jan 23, 2012)

I have posted here before about my new wife's raging temper, her need to control me in ways large and small, her emotional and physical abuse. I have tried to talk with her about it numerous times, she doesn't want to hear it, thinks it's no big deal.

A long time can pass between explosions, and at first I talked myself into believing she wasn't truly abusive because she wasn't abusive all the time, or even most of the time. Eventually I reached the point where I accepted that any abusiveness is not OK in any intimate relationship, be it marriage, familial, friendship, whatever.

I'm doing better at not being a doormat but I had reached a point where I was feeling like I might be ready to leave, since I don't think she's going to change.

And then something changed.

She found out last week that she has cancer. Surgery is next week. It's treatable, but it's the kind of cancer that lies in wait after you think you've dealt with it, and sometimes years later it comes back with a vengeance.

She has no idea how serious I am about not participating in a cycle of domestic violence, and how close I was to walking out the door before this diagnosis. Now that the diagnosis has been made I feel that these issues have to be placed aside for the moment.

I did marry her, I do love her and she's wonderful a lot of the time, except when she's not. She's very Jekyll and Hyde.

I don't want to be foolish and codependent and make some speech about how serious illness can change people. While I believe that is sometimes true I cannot count on that happening in this case.

I cannot believe this is happening. I am in shock and so is my wife.

As usual I don't know why I'm posting this except to get my feelings out there and accept any feedback that might come my way.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

While it's upsetting that your wife has cancer, I give you props for hanging in there and honoring your marriage vows in sickness and in health. Support her through this. I hope she realizes how lucky she is to have you there and that she knows if she keeps up her abusive behavior she may loose you.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Nix, if you still believe your W suffers from strong traits of BPD, I suggest you follow the two links in my post in your earlier thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/10876562-post3.html. If those two descriptions of BPD warning signs ring any bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. I nursed my BPDer exW through cancer but eventually had to divorce her when her behavior got even worse. Take care, Nix.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

With the emotional turmoil of the cancer diagnosis, she may become even more volatile. 

I would advise you not to become a passive victim just because of her diagnosis.


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