# Are some husbands cowards?



## Althea789

*Are all husbands this way, or just mine?*

This has been an ongoing problem for me and I’m wondering if anyone has any advice, or stories that relate to this. My husband is such a coward that he will lie about me and backstab me just to avoid dealing with any kind of confrontation. If there were ever some kind of apocalypse, he would trample me to save himself, I have no doubt.
The latest incident was his 14 yr. old daughter, my step daughter (who was grounded from using nail polish remover), went into my bathroom (she has her own bathroom) and used my nail polish remover. I am 100% sure she did it just to say "FU" to me because she was mad at me when I told her not to yell at me. (long story) She is one of those manipulative "entitled princess" types due to my husband’s parenting style, just so you get what is going on here.
I have been doing the disengage thing for many years now, but when it comes to me or my things, this is where I draw the line. How did I respond? I simply asked my husband by writing on a small piece of paper to please take notice of what just happened. He went crazy yelling at me, because it is impossible for him to deal with her. It’s much easier to yell at me than simply go and talk to her. So now, she sees him flip out and yell at me (and it’s obvious to her why he is yelling at me). Now she has a **** eating grin on her face because she is pleased with the result. 
This is just a small example. I could write a book on all of the ways he has done this to me. Because of his lack of parenting, my step children have no respect for either one of us, they are spoiled rotten, especially the step daughter. My husband blames his ex and refuses to take responsibility, which I totally get that it’s his problem, but it becomes my problem when his kids act disrespectfully to me and my belongings. (I have 3 of my own bio children by the way.) My kids have rules and boundaries, his don’t. My kids are turning out really well, his are having problems, especially the girl.


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## HappyHubby

No. But I witnessed a young spoiled girl use her divorced parents against one another. very manipulative. They were both cowards the way they handled her, always blaming the other for the problems rather than making her take responsibility. Mom was worse in rationalizing bad behaviour. Dad would only rationalize her behaviour if there was a way he could lay blame on the mom (she cheated and left him out of the blue so very resentful)

Its his personality trait too it seems. A typical NICE GUY. IT can be fixed with hard work on his part. 

I dont see him listening to you about it though. tough situation,.


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## IndyTMI

I would have a nice sit down chat with him when you are both in a calm and collected state. Present the issue to him so he understands exactly where you are coming from and why it is a continuing problem. I like to use a reverse synopsis to help them see my point of view. What if one of your children was taking his tools or something he doesn't want someone else messing with and him facing the very same situation where you lay into him as he does with you?
To me, this is a clear lack of respect for you and the boundaries you try to set...he is breaking them by not helping you enforce them.


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## RandomDude

Since when did one husband become ALL? lol


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## Althea789

RandomDude said:


> Since when did one husband become ALL? lol


Ha ha ha, very funny.  Seriously though, anyone else have a husband or spouse like this? Is there hope?


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## EleGirl

When your step children go into your room and use your stuff, you should be the one to come down on them for it. When you try to get their father to do it, you are giving them the message that you have no power.

What good things do you do for your step children? These are the things that you can use to get their attention.


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## Althea789

EleGirl said:


> When your step children go into your room and use your stuff, you should be the one to come down on them for it. When you try to get their father to do it, you are giving them the message that you have no power.


But this goes against everything I have read, I have no power, I'm a step mom. I am not allowed to say anything to them unless it's positive. The only time I have ever broken that rule is if they directly back talk to me, which she has for no reason other than she is just generally loud & rude to people. When that happens I calmly & quietly say "you do not talk to me that way." and look her right in the face. She usually walks away and goes to her room. 

She is actually a bully. She has gotten into trouble in school for it. My husband tried to hide it from me once, but I found the paperwork about it in the mail. Of course he never said anything to her about it.

I used to be the one to get the family out of the house to do things. Now my husband refuses to go out with the kids because he says it always causes a fight between us. Now his kids spend the whole weekend playing video games in their rooms. Last weekend I wanted to take the kids to the zoo to take the walking trail, get some exercise, get out of the house. He said no way, we'll just end up in a fight.


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## tacoma

I was fully disengaged from my two step sons for a decade.

I quickly re-engaged any time something like this happened.

Don't treat them as if they are "His Children", treat them as if they are "Your Room Mate" and act accordingly.

If your room mate was using your stuff and you didn't want them to how would YOU deal with it?
That's how you deal with it.

That way when your H comes to you complaining about how you're being mean to his daughter you can simply tell him "Tough ****".

This puts the onus on him to deal with it or not and he has to live with the madness his cowardice creates.

If this destroys your marriage then you don't really have one anyway.


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## tacoma

Althea789 said:


> But this goes against everything I have read, I have no power, I'm a step mom. I am not allowed to say anything to them unless it's positive.


Not true, the only thing you have power over is YOU.
Use it.

Again, treat them like you'd treat any other room mate you've ever had and this type of thing will decrease over time.


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## Althea789

Thank you. 

If I had roomates, there would be rules. There are no rules with these kids. 

In the past before I disengaged, whenever I tried to address something like that, something about my stuff for example, my husband would quickly do whatever he could to "un do" whatever I said. He would go down to their room and see what he could do to make it up to them, sometimes buy them something.
Luckily my step son is an angel, I rarely ever have problems with him, just the girl. My (bio) kids all have the same rules. I like consistency, I like routine. Everyone knows what to expect & it makes life easy.


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## tacoma

Althea789 said:


> Thank you.
> 
> If I had roomates, there would be rules. There are no rules with these kids.


You can be disengaged and have rules for your interactions with them just as you would with a room mate.

Don't even bring your husband into it, tell the girl directly and calmly and politely next time she does something like this that she's out of bounds.

Treat her like a room mate.

Here's the thing though, we often get to the point where we realize we just can't live with a bad room mate and something has to go.

I eventually booted mine out.


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## Althea789

Who was booted out? At what age? Yours or your spouses?


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## Althea789

The thing is, it's not so much about the problem child, it's the part about how my husband undermines me that really pisses me off.


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## EleGirl

Althea789 said:


> But this goes against everything I have read, I have no power, I'm a step mom. I am not allowed to say anything to them unless it's positive. The only time I have ever broken that rule is if they directly back talk to me, which she has for no reason other than she is just generally loud & rude to people. When that happens I calmly & quietly say "you do not talk to me that way." and look her right in the face. She usually walks away and goes to her room.


I agree that under normal circumstances a step parent does not parent their step-children.
You say that when she talks to you in a rude way, you confront her. Well her going into your room and using your things is as much a personal affront as her speaking rude to you. A step parent can deal directly with a step child who does things directly to them… actually a step parent should do deal with something that personal.


Althea789 said:


> She is actually a bully. She has gotten into trouble in school for it. My husband tried to hide it from me once, but I found the paperwork about it in the mail. Of course he never said anything to her about it.


He never said anything to her about her getting in trouble at school? Yikes!


Althea789 said:


> I used to be the one to get the family out of the house to do things. Now my husband refuses to go out with the kids because he says it always causes a fight between us. Now his kids spend the whole weekend playing video games in their rooms. Last weekend I wanted to take the kids to the zoo to take the walking trail, get some exercise, get out of the house. He said no way, we'll just end up in a fight.


When you want to go out and he does not, do you still extend the invitation to his children?

Do you go out with your children when he pulls this?


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## tacoma

Althea789 said:


> The thing is, it's not so much about the problem child, it's the part about how my husband undermines me that really pisses me off.


Trust me I understand perfectly.

I kicked my oldest step son out (her kid) he was of age at that point and I was done.

My position might be better than yours as all the undermining my wife did was behind my back.
Immediately after she'd tell me she was on board with what we had to do to get the kid on his feet.
She'd tell me one thing to appease me and tell him another thing to appease him.

This all blew up and he had to go.

Now I know my wife holds resentment over this because she didn't defend her son when I kicked him out.
She absolutely knew beyond a shadow of a doubt if she did she'd be divorced ASAP.

I had all the leverage in my situation, she would have lost everything.

This gave me the power to do what I did and I really don't care much about her resentment as it doesn't hold a candle to what I'm carrying around after years up putting up with it and then her betrayal.

At that point she could have told me she was leaving and I would have packed her bags for her and she knew it.

I'm thinking you might not be in a position to go this route quite as hardcore as I did.


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## Faithful Wife

Althea....why are you married to a man you consider to be a coward?


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## Althea789

Thanks for all of the understanding & helpful support-I really appreciate it!


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## DaddyLongShanks

When I saw the title, the assumption was it was a wife who cuckholded her husband. Perhaps thought he was a coward for night fighting OM for her.


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## Flygirl

It sucked having a step mom. She was so jealous. When we were teenagers, she said something rude about my mom and my sister beat her up right in the middle of our bedroom! My dad just watched. How sick! I didn't see it at the time but this was all my dads fault. He should have put his wife first. He shouldn't have allowed us to disrespect her. So what I'm saying is that the problem has nothing to do with your stepdaughter and everything to do with your husband. You are in a tough spot. My sister in law has been dealing with this kind of stuff for years. The stepdaughter wont show you respect until her dad makes her.


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## JustSomeGuyWho

Althea789 said:


> Ha ha ha, very funny.  Seriously though, anyone else have a husband or spouse like this? Is there hope?


I don't know ... my wife is afraid of confrontation but with a twist. Neither of us have a problem having an open, honest confrontation with our children. However, when it comes to confrontations between us, she will never do it without the children present. She is afraid to have any meaningful conversation with me alone. Drives me nuts and puts me in a bad position. She knows that I am limited in what I can say in front of the children, especially anything that might be a difference of opinion. If it is a topic that requires compromise I will tell her that we need to discuss it later, or privately, in which case my children are sitting there wondering what all the secrecy is all about and will oftentimes say something along those lines. Of course, then that discussion never happens; when the girls are in bed, she will avoid me.

She will also frequently send the kids to ask me a question if she knows that I would normally discuss it with her before making any decisions or if she knows that the answer might be different in front of the kids than in front of her, especially if it involves the kids. Ideally we would discuss it and be unified in our decision but she prefers to hide behind the children and put them in the middle as if the children were equally part of our relationship.


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## JustSomeGuyWho

Flygirl said:


> It sucked having a step mom. She was so jealous. When we were teenagers, she said something rude about my mom and my sister beat her up right in the middle of our bedroom! My dad just watched. How sick! I didn't see it at the time but this was all my dads fault. He should have put his wife first. He shouldn't have allowed us to disrespect her. So what I'm saying is that the problem has nothing to do with your stepdaughter and everything to do with your husband. You are in a tough spot. My sister in law has been dealing with this kind of stuff for years. The stepdaughter wont show you respect until her dad makes her.


The only children I have are the ones with my wife. I will not tolerate them showing any disrespect to their mother. None. My girls will on occasion (especially one of them) make a disrespectful comment to their mom. There have been times I have been within earshot and when that happens, I am there in a flash, laying down the law. I am very tolerant of mistakes; preferring to talk things over with them and helping them learn from it ... but being disrespectful has no gray area and it is a line they KNOW they can't cross. It would be no different if she was their step-mom or I was their step-dad. I will not tolerate that because once you do, you immediately lose authority. It is difficult to be an effective parent without authority and it is difficult to get back once you've lost it.

There was another thread concerning "beating your kids". My mother believed in corporal punishment but she crossed the line into abuse. She had a temper (a lot of anger issues) and lost control frequently. I posted a comment where I talked about the time she pushed me down the wooden basement stairs, kicked me in the groin several times, came after me with anything handy, etc. What I learned was not to respect her but to fear her. I have a completely different approach with my children. I have never laid a hand on them and I don't have to because we have their respect and are the authority in the household. I rarely have to escalate punishment; usually a conversation is enough to change behavior. They are not afraid of us and will come to us with their problems or if they have made a mistake. That stops once you lose their respect and have lost authority.

I am very proud of my girls. They are well-behaved and sweet children. We frequently receive compliments from other parents, teachers and even complete strangers on how well behaved they are. Sleepovers at friends houses are frequently followed up with ... "(daughters name) is welcome to come over any time, she is (insert compliment)" I will be interested to see if that continues when they hit 16 or so, lol ... but they are on the right track.


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## Wiserforit

Kind of ironic to be calling the husband a coward because the solution to him choosing the bad stepdaughter over the wife is to have the courage to submit the ultimatum and have him know you will go through with it. 

It is only when he perceives you do not have the courage to leave the situation that he continues this behavior.


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## tacoma

Wiserforit said:


> Kind of ironic to be calling the husband a coward because the solution to him choosing the bad stepdaughter over the wife is to have the courage to submit the ultimatum and have him know you will go through with it.
> 
> It is only when he perceives you do not have the courage to leave the situation that he continues this behavior.


This is exactly true.


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## Goofball

*Are all husbands cowards?*

I have lived with step kids and a husband that doesn't stick up for me, I finally had enough after they started going after my children and physically assaulting them. I tried disengaging, parenting them, ignoring, living like a room mate... It got to the point of having a keyed lock on our bedroom and having everything under lock and key. It didn't get better, he didn't do anything and now I'm done.

I hope that you are able to have a better result than I have.


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## Biscuits

YES, all husbands are cowards, and I don't provide enough financially for my family (no matter what I bring home), and I never spend enough time with the family (no matter how much time I spend at home, and I dont help out around the house (no matter how many times I tell my wife to go get in the bubble bath I made for her while I cook and get the kids ready for dinner). Husbands, specifically me, will never support the step-kids enough when the 8 year old wants the new iPhone 5S (or whatever it is now). Husbands, specifically me, will never love their wives enough, thats why she sleeps with other men. Husbands will never love step-kids, specifically me, thats why I'm supposed to be ok with them yelling at me that they hate me, but throw them some super huge "congratulaions" party when they DON'T get in trouble at school. YES!!! All husbands are cowards.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vanguard

They're not cowards.

We're in exile. Feminism, humanism and post-modernism have banished us, and so away we go. There is no one who commands less respect than the average white male. There is no one more hated, more ostracized and misrepresented than us. As civilization spirals ever-increasingly into immoral rancidness our honor, leadership and wisdom is progressively and vehemently despised, ignored and stomped on. Women want to be on their own. They want to be free from the "oppression" of men, so they get a huge society with their laws to fulfill what they perceive to be the man's only role- protection and provision. 

But when this damned Babylon begins to devour itself all the women will suddenly remember a constant, irrefutable, unwavering truth. A truth that no amount of lies and self-deceit can fossilize- that you need good men. 

And if good men are still good, we'll refuse to save you.


You spit on us, cheat on us and forget us. And then when you need something you demand it from us? The cows of Bashan really are fatted and ready.


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## Biscuits

Vanguard said:


> They're not cowards.
> 
> We're in exile. Feminism, humanism and post-modernism have banished us, and so away we go. There is no one who commands less respect than the average white male. There is no one more hated, more ostracized and misrepresented than us. As civilization spirals ever-increasingly into immoral rancidness our honor, leadership and wisdom is progressively and vehemently despised, ignored and stomped on. Women want to be on their own. They want to be free from the "oppression" of men, so they get a huge society with their laws to fulfill what they perceive to be the man's only role- protection and provision.
> 
> But when this damned Babylon begins to devour itself all the women will suddenly remember a constant, irrefutable, unwavering truth. A truth that no amount of lies and self-deceit can fossilize- that you need good men.
> 
> And if good men are still good, we'll refuse to save you.
> 
> 
> You spit on us, cheat on us and forget us. And then when you need something you demand it from us? The cows of Bashan really are fatted and ready.


+1
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DaddyLongShanks

Biscuits said:


> YES, all husbands are cowards, and I don't provide enough financially for my family (no matter what I bring home), and I never spend enough time with the family (no matter how much time I spend at home, and I dont help out around the house (no matter how many times I tell my wife to go get in the bubble bath I made for her while I cook and get the kids ready for dinner). Husbands, specifically me, will never support the step-kids enough when the 8 year old wants the new iPhone 5S (or whatever it is now). Husbands, specifically me, will never love their wives enough, thats why she sleeps with other men. Husbands will never love step-kids, specifically me, thats why I'm supposed to be ok with them yelling at me that they hate me, but throw them some super huge "congratulaions" party when they DON'T get in trouble at school. YES!!! All husbands are cowards.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't fault yourself for being a man. There is nothing to be ashamed of. I don't know what to say about your wife. You might have to cut yourself free of the situation. She's built of a comfort of having you there and trying to make you feel guilty. It's likely all of her support can see how you "lack" as a husband and provider. Gather yourself and make positive and controlled movements. you will be ok, there are others out there.


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## Althea789

Wiserforit said:


> Kind of ironic to be calling the husband a coward because the solution to him choosing the bad stepdaughter over the wife is to have the courage to submit the ultimatum and have him know you will go through with it.
> 
> It is only when he perceives you do not have the courage to leave the situation that he continues this behavior.


Now this is interesting, this has got me thinking. If I were to say to him, "I have a problem with my roommate that it seems you can resolve," Explain to him that I am not being respected & he is perpetuating the situation by not backing me up. He leaves me with no choice but to leave him if he chooses to ignore the problem that I am having. Or something like that. The thing I worry about, is I have threatened to leave due to other issues...he might just say that it's not fair that I expect perfection from him. He "tries so hard" and it's just never enough...that sort of thing. How do I respond to that? It does seem like I am the only one who ever has a problem. He has never had a problem with anything I do, which I welcome his criticism & often ask him how I can be a better spouse. His only response is some kind of joke about sexual favors & a quick change of subject.


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## Althea789

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I don't know ... my wife is afraid of confrontation but with a twist. Neither of us have a problem having an open, honest confrontation with our children. However, when it comes to confrontations between us, she will never do it without the children present. She is afraid to have any meaningful conversation with me alone. Drives me nuts and puts me in a bad position. She knows that I am limited in what I can say in front of the children, especially anything that might be a difference of opinion. If it is a topic that requires compromise I will tell her that we need to discuss it later, or privately, in which case my children are sitting there wondering what all the secrecy is all about and will oftentimes say something along those lines. Of course, then that discussion never happens; when the girls are in bed, she will avoid me.
> 
> She will also frequently send the kids to ask me a question if she knows that I would normally discuss it with her before making any decisions or if she knows that the answer might be different in front of the kids than in front of her, especially if it involves the kids. Ideally we would discuss it and be unified in our decision but she prefers to hide behind the children and put them in the middle as if the children were equally part of our relationship.


That's really F'd up! I could not deal with that.


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## Althea789

Flygirl said:


> It sucked having a step mom. She was so jealous. When we were teenagers, she said something rude about my mom and my sister beat her up right in the middle of our bedroom! My dad just watched. How sick! I didn't see it at the time but this was all my dads fault. He should have put his wife first. He shouldn't have allowed us to disrespect her. So what I'm saying is that the problem has nothing to do with your stepdaughter and everything to do with your husband. You are in a tough spot. My sister in law has been dealing with this kind of stuff for years. The stepdaughter wont show you respect until her dad makes her.


Thank you for sharing this. I'm so sorry you had this kind of experience. Sounds horrible! Yes, I totally recognize the fact that this is all due to my husband. I wish I could invite you over to my house to testify your experience to my husband. Maybe he would finally get it! I just don't know how to get him to listen to me. Even if I do assert myself and tell my stepdaughter that she needs to ask my permission before using my things, my husband will turn around and undermine me the second I turn my back. I worry about my step daughter, because she is not getting the kind of guidance that she needs. The bullying problem really bothers me. I wish I could go to her school and offer her teachers some kind of support, be a parent & have some kind of follow through, but that's a whole other subject...


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## johnnycomelately

That's a very sexist title. What would the reaction be if 'husbands' was replaced with 'wives'?


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## Althea789

I tried to talk to my husband about this & he responded by raising his voice & saying "Did you ever think that maybe this is just the way I am, that I am just hard wired this way & I can't help it?" I didn't say anything, then he said "So what are you going to do?" I told him that if this didn't change, we would probably grow apart and end up divoced. I told him that I am not happy, and it was up to him to make some changes in how he deals with this issue. He responded by acting out irrationally & vomiting out some nonsense that had nothing to do with what we were even talking about. I told him he needed to stop talking now or I was going to have to leave. (He knows I meant it..I've done it before) He shut up.


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## lifeistooshort

Althea789 said:


> I tried to talk to my husband about this & he responded by raising his voice & saying "Did you ever think that maybe this is just the way I am, that I am just hard wired this way & I can't help it?" I didn't say anything, then he said "So what are you going to do?" I told him that if this didn't change, we would probably grow apart and end up divoced. I told him that I am not happy, and it was up to him to make some changes in how he deals with this issue. He responded by acting out irrationally & vomiting out some nonsense that had nothing to do with what we were even talking about. I told him he needed to stop talking now or I was going to have to leave. (He knows I meant it..I've done it before) He shut up.


It's not going to change, and he's made clear he really doesn't want it to. Stop threatening and either deal with your stepdaughter yourself or pack up and leave. You're wasting good time dealing with him, particularly if he yells at you and doesn't even acknowledge any of your concerns.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma

Althea789 said:


> I tried to talk to my husband about this & he responded by raising his voice & saying "Did you ever think that maybe this is just the way I am, that I am just hard wired this way & I can't help it?" I didn't say anything, then he said "So what are you going to do?" I told him that if this didn't change, we would probably grow apart and end up divoced. I told him that I am not happy, and it was up to him to make some changes in how he deals with this issue. He responded by acting out irrationally & vomiting out some nonsense that had nothing to do with what we were even talking about. I told him he needed to stop talking now or I was going to have to leave. (He knows I meant it..I've done it before) He shut up.


Well that's not good.

Why would he fight this battle when you've made it clear he can't win ?

Althea,
You should begin saving some money and becoming as independent as you can.
You need to start preparing for the worst and hoping he comes around before you're ready to make it happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator

I put my foot down when STBXW's delinquent minors started bringing alcohol and then pot into our home. I didn't think my own kids should be subjected to her "dope-headed kids" low-life practices. 

The first time that I ever mentioned this to her, STBXW was supportive of my stance, but shortly thereafterward, she quickly latched on to her kids self-serving attitudes that "everyone is doing it." And then anytime that I found evidence about the house regarding it's presence, then she resented me for stooping to "spy on them."

She couldn't raise them right, and resented me for suggesting some marked rule changes in our home. So she ended up giving those outlaws of hers _carte blanche _to bring anything that they wanted into the house unchecked, telling the kids that if they felt like if they were being checked out, to let her know and she'd kick my ass if she found out I was indeed doing just that.

Then I found out her that oldest was attempting to "cook meth" in his bedroom by using an electric tea kettle. I told STBXW about that and she started locking her kids doors when they were not there and I was.

Two months later, her oldest ended up getting busted for pot possession and for lying about it to law enforcement~ funny thing was that the presiding judge didn't nail him that hard for the actual possession ~ it was the lying to the law enforcement officers that the stuff wasn't his ~ in his own place while smoking it in their presence. He received a "6 months in county jail probated sentence," then brazenly told the judge that he really didn't want to have to report to a parole officer and rather chose the full six-month incarceration instead! 

And STBXW coddled him all during his jail time away from home. Then whe he was finally released, he came home in stripped jail garb, which he seemed to relish wearing around the house, the community, and at family gatherings. But "Mama" thought that it was cool and novel, and never gave it a second thought. But the rest of her extended family and I resented the hell out of him for overtly embarrasing the entire family, as no one really seemed to want to stand up to my STBXW. I did, but was severely rebuked!

So not all husbands are cowards or dumbasses! Sometimes it's their wives who at fault!


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## northland

Wiserforit said:


> Kind of ironic to be calling the husband a coward because the solution to him choosing the bad stepdaughter over the wife is to have the courage to submit the ultimatum and have him know you will go through with it.
> 
> It is only when he perceives you do not have the courage to leave the situation that he continues this behavior.


This is perfect.

To rephrase slightly but still say basically the same thing for emphasis on what is a really good point:

This whole problem would go away completely if you had the courage to tell him that you refuse to tolerate being treated like a second class citizen and things are going to change right now or you are gone- and be willing to follow through.

He's not the only coward here.


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## Althea789

arbitrator said:


> So not all husbands are cowards or dumbasses! It's sometimes their wives!


Yes, I know...sorry, but I am so tired of the criticism of my post title. I'm putting several people on my ignore list as a result. Not you, just sayin.

So after the arrest, did you wife come around to your approach? Oh, never mind, I read your thread...so sorry about your situation!


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## arbitrator

Althea789 said:


> Yes, I know...sorry, but I am so tired of the criticism of my post title. I'm putting several people on my ignore list as a result. Not you, just sayin.
> 
> So after the arrest, did you wife come around to your approach? Oh, never mind, I read your thread...so sorry about your situation!


STBXW, while fairly wealthy, procured expensive legal counsel for this child, who promptly rejected it. He's really nothing more than a lazy, boozeing, pot-smoking lout who wants his own way. STBXW then verbally abused the judge in the case; verbally chastised me for not taking her kids side by emotionally supporting both her and her kids ~ and in my estimation, it was my non-support of those worthless kids of hers that may well have driven STBXW to those "other men" in her life, who both seemed to support STBXW's warped mantra of "kids will just be kids," much rather than by applying some well-deserved heat to their worthless backsides.

STBXW's whole problem is that she overly spoiled them with throwing money at them, absolutely refused to raise those kids properly, didn't make them do chores, gave them everything they wanted and watched them tear those gifts up right before her very eyes, and then rushed right out to replace it where they could do it all over again; didn't make them respect other people, their feelings or their property; gave them everything monetarily under the sun, all to no avail.

Some folks simply do not know to raise kids properly ~ or for that matter, just absolutely refuse do it!

Maybe she'll ultimately come to reap the dividends of her inactive mothering!


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## Goofball

*Are all husbands cowards?*

Wow, I feel like I've lived a parallel life, his kids would drink and smoke pot in our house (16-18) while my kids (14,9) lived here, I was livid! I'm also in school for a degree in the medical field that having my house raided for drugs would not be good as far as me being able to get licensed. But it was just fine since stbxh smoked pot too....


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## arbitrator

Goofball said:


> Wow, I feel like I've lived a parallel life, his kids would drink and smoke pot in our house (16-18) while my kids (14,9) lived here, I was livid! I'm also in school for a degree in the medical field that having my house raided for drugs would not be good as far as me being able to get licensed. But it was just fine since stbxh smoked pot too....


Goof: My STBXW doled out money to them, imploring those renegades of hers to "just don't tell me what your buying!" 

All three of her kids at one time or another, "raided" her purse, taking money out of it when it was left unattended. Once, when she was out-of-town, one of them took an expensive item of hers that she had in the house to a pawn shop to score cash. They are beyond deplorable!

I really think that STBXW may have actually had a clandestine history of doing the stuff also, when I came to read one of her online posts to her "Hippie OM" about a picture of a some nice place, commenting that it would be the perfect setting for great food, good booze, and "a little pot!"


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## JustSomeGuyWho

Biscuits said:


> YES, all husbands are cowards, and I don't provide enough financially for my family (no matter what I bring home), and I never spend enough time with the family (no matter how much time I spend at home, and I dont help out around the house (no matter how many times I tell my wife to go get in the bubble bath I made for her while I cook and get the kids ready for dinner). Husbands, specifically me, will never support the step-kids enough when the 8 year old wants the new iPhone 5S (or whatever it is now). Husbands, specifically me, will never love their wives enough, thats why she sleeps with other men. Husbands will never love step-kids, specifically me, thats why I'm supposed to be ok with them yelling at me that they hate me, but throw them some super huge "congratulaions" party when they DON'T get in trouble at school. YES!!! All husbands are cowards.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


All I can say is ... No More Mr. Nice Guy


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## JustSomeGuyWho

Althea789 said:


> That's really F'd up! I could not deal with that.


One of many f'd up things about our marriage. I married an extraordinarily insecure person. That's my bad and I've paid for that mistake for 20 years.


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## Goofball

*Are all husbands cowards?*



arbitrator said:


> Goof: My STBXW doled out money to them, imploring those renegades of hers to "just don't tell me what your buying!"
> 
> All three of her kids at one time or another, "raided" her purse, taking money out of it when it was left unattended. Once, when she was out-of-town, one of them took an expensive item of hers that she had in the house to a pawn shop to score cash. They are beyond deplorable!
> 
> I really think that STBXW may have actually had a clandestine history of doing the stuff also, when I came to read one of her online posts to her "Hippie OM" about a picture of a some nice place, commenting that it would be the perfect setting for great food, good booze, and "a little pot!"


I had a keyed lock on my bedroom to keep them out of my stuff, they stole from my kids, from me and from stbx. I moved all kinds of stuff out of my room today, it now looks like a bedroom instead of a storage room  
It's so nice to leave the house and have everything right where it was left.


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## Vanguard

Althea789 said:


> Yes, I know...sorry, but I am so tired of the criticism of my post title. *I'm putting several people on my ignore list as a result.* Not you, just sayin.
> 
> So after the arrest, did you wife come around to your approach? Oh, never mind, I read your thread...so sorry about your situation!


Wait, wait... As a result of your poor judgment and unfounded assertions you're putting people on your ignore list? Is this what you always do whenever you find yourself in error? Ignore it?


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## Wiltshireman

Obviously not.

On Monday, May 23, 1994, President Clinton presented the Medal of Honor to the widows of Master Sergeant Gary I.Gordon and Sergeant First Class Randall D Shughart.


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## PBear

Merging families can be really tough. Have you guys thought about family counselling, as a last ditch effort?

C


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## Althea789

PBear said:


> Merging families can be really tough. Have you guys thought about family counselling, as a last ditch effort?
> 
> C


Thank you for the mature response to my thread.  I have asked my husband to come with me to counseling (I have done so on my own) he refuses. He says that counseling is one step away from divorce. I know he loves me, and I love him. I know he tries, or at least thinks about it. It's very complicated. This morning he told me that he decided to create some sense of structure by telling his 2 kids that when they are in the car with him on the way to school, they are no longer allowed to wear headphones. This is not like him at all! He said it felt good, and they actually talked to each other.  This is a huge step for him! So apparently he did listen to me.


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## Althea789

Flygirl said:


> It sucked having a step mom. She was so jealous. When we were teenagers, she said something rude about my mom and my sister beat her up right in the middle of our bedroom! My dad just watched. How sick! I didn't see it at the time but this was all my dads fault. He should have put his wife first. He shouldn't have allowed us to disrespect her. So what I'm saying is that the problem has nothing to do with your stepdaughter and everything to do with your husband. You are in a tough spot. My sister in law has been dealing with this kind of stuff for years. The stepdaughter wont show you respect until her dad makes her.


I wanted to add that your step mom should have never said anything rude about your mom. Totally inappropriate. But also for your dad to just sit back and do nothing....horrible. 

In my mind, I imagine that ideally, the husband should always back up the wife, and she he as well, and if for some reason he can't do so, for example if the wife is totally in the wrong, then he should address that in private, not in front of the kids. But, people are not perfect, unfortunately we don't live in an "ideal" world, so we have to decide what we are willing to work with, and what is just a total deal breaker for us. For now, I am choosing to work with my hubby on this. I can see however, that if this problem continues to go unresolved over a period of years, it could become a deal breaker for me and I will probably move on.


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## Bobby5000

Your anger and the fact that you don't love the step childr is a serious problem. Using someone's nail polish remover does not seem that big a deal yet you went ballistic (one gets the impression if your own daughter did this it would be no big deal because she's a good kid). 

I raised two step-kids through some tough times but you do have to show them love and have the other be the primary disciplinarian. (they are both successful with my older one earning a high six figure income). Your obvious disdain for the step-child and rough relationship with your own husband is causing problems, and your step-daughter realizes the problems in her parent's relationship. 

I think you need to be a little more delicate try to speak nicely with your husband and you two should try to address issues in the marriage and then with your children. Maybe you could take your step-daughter to the mall (I can just see your face wrenching) and get her a few things to help improve things between your two.


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## Althea789

Bobby5000 said:


> Your anger and the fact that you don't love the step childr is a serious problem. Using someone's nail polish remover does not seem that big a deal yet you went ballistic (one gets the impression if your own daughter did this it would be no big deal because she's a good kid).
> 
> I raised two step-kids through some tough times but you do have to show them love and have the other be the primary disciplinarian. (they are both successful with my older one earning a high six figure income). Your obvious disdain for the step-child and rough relationship with your own husband is causing problems, and your step-daughter realizes the problems in her parent's relationship.
> 
> I think you need to be a little more delicate try to speak nicely with your husband and you two should try to address issues in the marriage and then with your children. Maybe you could take your step-daughter to the mall (I can just see your face wrenching) and get her a few things to help improve things between your two.


Maybe you didn’t read my post in its entirety. 

"You can see my face wrenching?" Weird comment. 

Before you reply to someone’s post you should really read the whole thing. Your comments are really weird & not applicable (try re-reading my post and you will see your errors). Good luck to you...


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## Ano

My step dad came into my life when I was about 10. He certainly parented me. My mother did the grounding, but he definitely had his words with me when I was being difficult. 

When your step daughter touches your things, simply speak with her about it. It became your battle at this point, not your husbands. 


Besides this offense is not like a major defiancy. Its nail polish remover. 

This is your house too and you are allowed to set rules that the children need to follow. Just because they aren't your children doesn't mean that respect and behaving in a certain manner isn't expected of them. 

Set new rules. 

Possibly get a lock for your door?


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## Althea789

Ano said:


> My step dad came into my life when I was about 10. He certainly parented me. My mother did the grounding, but he definitely had his words with me when I was being difficult.
> 
> When your step daughter touches your things, simply speak with her about it. It became your battle at this point, not your husbands.
> 
> 
> Besides this offense is not like a major defiancy. Its nail polish remover.
> 
> This is your house too and you are allowed to set rules that the children need to follow. Just because they aren't your children doesn't mean that respect and behaving in a certain manner isn't expected of them.
> 
> Set new rules.
> 
> Possibly get a lock for your door?


My issue is about how my husband responded, not really so much about what the kids do. Getting a lock on the door won't help me if my husband unlocks it for whomever.

I just want my husband to support me. I want to feel like he is my protector, like we're a team, not someone who will back stab me every chance he has to back me up.


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## sweetpea

Removed off topic posts and changed the title of the thread. Please stay on topic.


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## Ano

*Re: Re: Are some husbands cowards?*



Althea789 said:


> My issue is about how my husband responded, not really so much about what the kids do. Getting a lock on the door won't help me if my husband unlocks it for whomever.
> 
> I just want my husband to support me. I want to feel like he is my protector, like we're a team, not someone who will back stab me every chance he has to back me up.


I understand what you're saying. You're husband NEEDS to back you up. 

Have you sat down and told him exactly how you feel? Minus the part about his kids being brats, because thats irrelevant to how he supports you and will only cause more issues.


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## Althea789

Ano said:


> I understand what you're saying. You're husband NEEDS to back you up.
> 
> Have you sat down and told him exactly how you feel? Minus the part about his kids being brats, because thats irrelevant to how he supports you and will only cause more issues.


Thank you for acknowledging my feelings! Yes, I have talked to my husband about this numerous times over the several years we have been married, and actually my husband has even read this entire post as well. (He's an IT guy and checks *everything* I look at & do on my computer) I am a very open honest person (to a fault sometimes). He responds in a very defensive tone, sometimes even yells at me for bringing the subject up. He says he is just hardwired this way & can't help it. I have told him that he is not helping our marriage, and if it continues eventually we will grow apart and probably divorce. I also tell him that when I think about that it breaks my heart because I love him & really do not want that to happen. I feel like he leaves me no choice though.


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## bellawhite

Sorry but i thought it was sooo funny when u said if there were an apocolipse he would run and save himself! Haha oh my I can so relate to hubby being a coward, but i def think that not ALL men are like this bc ive read on here that many men defend their wives.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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