# Wait until house sells? or leave NOW



## Suzy0sunshine* (Feb 22, 2018)

My marriage has been on the rocks for a while. I have a couple of posts already that explain part of the situation. I am done with trying and being patient. My husband is done with therapy, has no plans to go back and agrees that his obsessive thinking is still there, about the same as it has been (He believes that everyone has obsessive thoughts). We are not talking about obsessive compulsive like with counting things or double checking things. He thinks either about the past and how he messed up (not trying harder to adopt a child of his own - I have two that he helped raise). 

He also has thought aboutz other women, including a single woman at work who has two small children. He claims that he doesn't think about her anymore, after lots of therapy. However, he is in the same office with her for 9 hrs a day. He doesn't do ANYTHING that the two therapists he has spent extensive time with have told him to do. He did it while he was seeing them, but kept up none of it. They were all exercises to prevent the thoughts and to help with anxiety and depression. He won't write in a journal or planner. He won't meditate. He won't read a self help book. He says he knows he needs to do better, but "it isn't easy". I've heard this phrase 10 thousand times. 

I am now translating it in my head to "I don't like to do hard things". I believe him to be intellectually lazy, entitled, spoiled and incapable of handling adversity. I feel like I am so far ahead of him in wisdom and strength and I'm almost 9 years younger. So here is the dilemma...Our house is way too big for even 2 of us. We have been needing to sell it. Upon divorce, it will have to be sold anyway. I have always been the one to push for any maintenance on our homes. If I move now, I'm afraid it will be difficult for me to get back in here and get it staged for selling. He is going to be very mad that I left. 

He has already admitted this. I have been sleeping in the guest room and staying on that end of the house to the extent that I can. I just feel like I am going to pull all my hair out having to be here now. He is morose, self-defeating and depressed and positively HATES his job. He won't reach out and make friends, create a life for himself as the therapists have urged him too. I have been trying to repair my marriage for just shy of 2 years and now I am suddenly done and cannot tolerate living here any longer. However, I will need as much money out of this house as I can get because I'm going to have to take some schooling in order to get back into the workforce. 

Do I tough it out and bite my tongue daily or do I give in to the urge to just go ahead and pay down 3 months on an apartment (I have no renter's history) and get the hell out of dodge? I'm miserable, but I'm also a strong person and can do what I HAVE to do if it comes down to staying. We are planning to put the house on the market by May 1 and should be able to do that if I am here to supervise any work/clean-up and do a lot of things myself, which I have been doing the last few weeks anyway.


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## dickcliffordtw (Feb 20, 2018)

Suzy0sunshine* said:


> My marriage has been on the rocks for a while. I have a couple of posts already that explain part of the situation. I am done with trying and being patient. My husband is done with therapy, has no plans to go back and agrees that his obsessive thinking is still there, about the same as it has been (He believes that everyone has obsessive thoughts). We are not talking about obsessive compulsive like with counting things or double checking things. He thinks either about the past and how he messed up (not trying harder to adopt a child of his own - I have two that he helped raise). He also has thought aboutz other women, including a single woman at work who has two small children. He claims that he doesn't think about her anymore, after lots of therapy. However, he is in the same office with her for 9 hrs a day. He doesn't do ANYTHING that the two therapists he has spent extensive time with have told him to do. He did it while he was seeing them, but kept up none of it. They were all exercises to prevent the thoughts and to help with anxiety and depression. He won't write in a journal or planner. He won't meditate. He won't read a self help book. He says he knows he needs to do better, but "it isn't easy". I've heard this phrase 10 thousand times. I am now translating it in my head to "I don't like to do hard things". I believe him to be intellectually lazy, entitled, spoiled and incapable of handling adversity. I feel like I am so far ahead of him in wisdom and strength and I'm almost 9 years younger. So here is the dilemma...Our house is way too big for even 2 of us. We have been needing to sell it. Upon divorce, it will have to be sold anyway. I have always been the one to push for any maintenance on our homes. If I move now, I'm afraid it will be difficult for me to get back in here and get it staged for selling. He is going to be very mad that I left. He has already admitted this. I have been sleeping in the guest room and staying on that end of the house to the extent that I can. I just feel like I am going to pull all my hair out having to be here now. He is morose, self-defeating and depressed and positively HATES his job. He won't reach out and make friends, create a life for himself as the therapists have urged him too. I have been trying to repair my marriage for just shy of 2 years and now I am suddenly done and cannot tolerate living here any longer. However, I will need as much money out of this house as I can get because I'm going to have to take some schooling in order to get back into the workforce. Do I tough it out and bite my tongue daily or do I give in to the urge to just go ahead and pay down 3 months on an apartment (I have no renter's history) and get the hell out of dodge? I'm miserable, but I'm also a strong person and can do what I HAVE to do if it comes down to staying. We are planning to put the house on the market by May 1 and should be able to do that if I am here to supervise any work/clean-up and do a lot of things myself, which I have been doing the last few weeks anyway.


get out of this toxic environment now before it takes its emotional toll on you. since he works and is lazy you will still be able to prep house for sale when he is not around it. 

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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Suzy0sunshine* said:


> My marriage has been on the rocks for a while. I have a couple of posts already that explain part of the situation. I am done with trying and being patient. My husband is done with therapy, has no plans to go back and agrees that his obsessive thinking is still there, about the same as it has been (He believes that everyone has obsessive thoughts). We are not talking about obsessive compulsive like with counting things or double checking things. He thinks either about the past and how he messed up (not trying harder to adopt a child of his own - I have two that he helped raise). He also has thought aboutz other women, including a single woman at work who has two small children. He claims that he doesn't think about her anymore, after lots of therapy. However, he is in the same office with her for 9 hrs a day. He doesn't do ANYTHING that the two therapists he has spent extensive time with have told him to do. He did it while he was seeing them, but kept up none of it. They were all exercises to prevent the thoughts and to help with anxiety and depression. He won't write in a journal or planner. He won't meditate. He won't read a self help book. He says he knows he needs to do better, but "it isn't easy". I've heard this phrase 10 thousand times. I am now translating it in my head to "I don't like to do hard things". I believe him to be intellectually lazy, entitled, spoiled and incapable of handling adversity. I feel like I am so far ahead of him in wisdom and strength and I'm almost 9 years younger. So here is the dilemma...Our house is way too big for even 2 of us. We have been needing to sell it. Upon divorce, it will have to be sold anyway. I have always been the one to push for any maintenance on our homes. If I move now, I'm afraid it will be difficult for me to get back in here and get it staged for selling. He is going to be very mad that I left. He has already admitted this. I have been sleeping in the guest room and staying on that end of the house to the extent that I can. I just feel like I am going to pull all my hair out having to be here now. He is morose, self-defeating and depressed and positively HATES his job. He won't reach out and make friends, create a life for himself as the therapists have urged him too. I have been trying to repair my marriage for just shy of 2 years and now I am suddenly done and cannot tolerate living here any longer. However, I will need as much money out of this house as I can get because I'm going to have to take some schooling in order to get back into the workforce. Do I tough it out and bite my tongue daily or do I give in to the urge to just go ahead and pay down 3 months on an apartment (I have no renter's history) and get the hell out of dodge? I'm miserable, but I'm also a strong person and can do what I HAVE to do if it comes down to staying. We are planning to put the house on the market by May 1 and should be able to do that if I am here to supervise any work/clean-up and do a lot of things myself, which I have been doing the last few weeks anyway.




Get a legal separation first outlining who gets what first. If you leave without a binding contract, it could hurt you in the end. 


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do not leave the house until you talk to a lawyer and have a plan. Don't tell him yet that you are talking to a lawyer.

If there is any way that you can stay in the house until it's sold, I think you need to do that. It sounds like he might acutally jeapordize the sale of the house if you don't. I wonder if there are things that you can do to make staying there easier. Could you spend some nights at the house of family or friends? Go out a lot just to not be there?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If it's just for a few months then I would try to stay.


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## Suzy0sunshine* (Feb 22, 2018)

In our state, there is no legal separation. You have to file for divorce, unfortunately. I have been to a lawyer and right now I am living here at our house (after staying at my Mom's for a while). I am working on getting the house on the market. It involves some hard days but I did move 40% of what we had in savings into a checking account in my name only. He wasn't happy about it, but my lawyer told me that half the money was mine. He is still paying our expenses. As soon as I file, then I will need to take some courses and try to get a job after 28 years of being just a wife and Mom. I'm preparing myself and feel confident that I will find something after I brush up on some skills.


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## Suzy0sunshine* (Feb 22, 2018)

It became untenable due to the emotional pain, and I moved to my Mother's for a week. I came back because of the inconvenience and made the mistake of sleeping with him (being lonely and having him tell me he didn't want a divorce every day influenced that decision). The next morning he said we "needed to take it slow" and admitted that he had lived in "deceit" for years, meaning he didn't love me like he knew he should and ignored problems and pretended. It hurt terribly, but gave me the motivation to stand strong and get on with what I needed to do. I am hoping to have the house on the market by May 1 and file for divorce soon after.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Just get divorced. The requirement to sell the house will come from the divorce.

On the plus side:
- If in the divorce decree, then it's a court order. If he tries to block the sale in any way, he is legally in contempt of court and the court can and will be pretty harsh on him.
- The courts will push for a FAST sale and will insists on some pretty specific behavior from the realtor - such as doing MINIMAL staging before putting it on the market, and while attempting to achieve a high selling price, not doing it so much that the speed of sale is impaired. Phrases like "time is of the essence" and "expeditious manner" are in my current divorce decree which does mandate selling the house.
- There will be no argument about who pays for cleaning/repairs. It will be split 50/50
- If the sale creates profit above the $250k limit, a divorce decree can make you immune to the tax consequences

I would not wait until May 1. You want previews from other realtors...so that when the right client shows up in their office, they have already seen the house and "know the exact house" for the people who just walked in. If your listing agent doesn't do a "realtor only" open house, pick a different listing agent.

Working from my present in-divorce sale, plus sale of 6 other houses in the past 30 years.

DD


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