# I'm so sad!!



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I'm just so sad!!!

I don't know what to beleive with my husband recently admitting to his affair!!

I don't know if its over since I can't check his phone records.

Things will look promising for us, but then he seems hesitant to spend the night with me in our family home.

I'm just so sad!! I was sad before and now I'm even more sad!!

Its not fair to the kids!!!

I'm so sad!!!

They don't know why I'm sad and I know it scares them, I wish he would care about his kids enough to make me know for sure its over and he really wants to be married to me

He told the kids last night when he was over that he wished so much that he could come home every night and see them. I wish he would!!

He also said to me that he would want nothing more than to wake up next to me every morning. He said he loves me with all his heart....I want to believe him so much, but if hes not here its just words. There is nothing to say he is not seeing her.

He has started kissing me and started spending more time at home, but its still not much at all. Its been an hour after work for the last 2 days.

I asked him this morning if he would like to spend friday night or saturady night over with me. He said he did not know and he was planning on playing his x box.

I just figured if he really meant that he wanted nothing more than to wake up next to me then why not spend the weekend with me?? I spend last weekend with him at his parents before I knew of the affair.

He also had asked me saturday morning when he could move back in.

Last night he text me asking if I was 100% sure I wanted to put 110% into our marriage.

He also said he wanted to have a open communication marraige and never go to sleep angry no matter how long it took to talk things out.

Those things seem promising especially since he decided to hold me yesterday cuddling for a while. Then he decided to kiss me nad was looking deep into my eyes. 

Things just seem so uncertain right now and so close to xmas. The kids have been having a horrible holiday season and are getting not much for xmas this year at all. ONly a few gifts that he has gotten them and thats about it. NO stockings this year which is a very first. I'm home alone with them and he has stopped giivng me any support money at all, so I can't purchase anyhting for them.

WHY DOES HE NOT SEE WHAT HES DOING TO HIS CHILDREN????

THEY WILL REMMEBER THIS AWFUL XMAS THIER WHOLE LIVES!!!

i'M SO SAD!!!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It's ok to be sad. It's ok if you feel like crying. No matter what, it's going to be ok. You are not alone.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Sorry about your hurt Skies,
Is he still on the fence, or why wont he let you see the phone records? The actions hes taking towards you sound positive, except,, hes not moved back, and appears to be holding something back..He should have been asking himself if he is willing to commit to his wife and family 110%, not asking you...
I guess I am not aware of who had the affair in your marriage, but if it was him, and hes staying away, it seems suspicious.

I cant imagine having the opportunity to have a family again, especially when kids are involved. I wouldnt worry too much about the christmas thing, they rebound fast. One year my parents werent able to afford christmas presents, because both were laid off, and only one had recently gone back to work. So that was a sad christmas, but on Valentines day, we were told to decorate huge shopping bags and the next morning they were filled with presents, along with four (I had 2 sisters and a brother) little tiny stockings stuck to the fireplace. There was a 100 dollar bill in each stocking, one for each of us kids. Its was the best valentines day I can remember as a kid, and it totally outshined the christmas prior. You can always do something.. even if just baking something..
Ive noticed, that I had to stop trying to see things thru my daughters eyes, at least for now, as I tended to exaggerate what she "may" be feeling in my own mind, and it led to unnecessary sadness and anger in me. My kid is fine, shes making 100's on her homework, is not exhibiting signs of any emotional issues, and prior to the divorce in our house, was exposed to what divorce was and the whole visitation issue by one of her little friends whose parents are divorced. This way what happened to us, was not some unheard-of event...
Sad days suck big-time. I still have them. But there are good days too, where things strangely seem okay..


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

First off, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. An affair is a painful and traumatic experience, and certainly it happening around the holidays just compounds your pain. My heart really goes out to you and I hope you can find some peace in talking with people on this forum who have gone through or are going through what you are now. No wife deserves to be cheated on, you are a great mom to be caring about your kids so much and I'm glad they have such a positive influence in their life.

In regards to your situation, it would help to have more details. How long was the affair, how did it happen? EA, PA, or both? How did you find out? How did he react when he told you? What steps has he taken?

From your story it's hard to tell if he's truly remorseful or not. Guys can more easily fake emotional feelings while they are cheating, so you really need to look at his actions to see if he "gets it" and is truly remorseful.

Google infidelity and true remorse to get some ideas on how that looks. Things that show true remorse are willingness to go completely no contact, 100% transparency on phone/location/computer, willingness to do whatever it takes to get you healed.

I'd need to hear more about what he's done and how he reacted to get a better feel if you're just being played. The red flags for me is that you can't see his phone (or that he hasn't offered to give it to you permanently or get rid of it), and when given a chance to stay with you, he elected to stay at home. He also is asking you of your commitment, yet he isn't committing 110% to you with either words OR actions.

Understand that no matter what happens, you deserve to be married to someone who will treat you with respect and love and care for you. If your husband is not ready to make you whole, do not settle for him.

Your kids also deserve better. Do not model to them that a wife should act as a doormat. Kids are extremely resilient about financial status. They will never remember the year they got no presents as a child. But they will remember for their entire life the way there father treated their mother, and if you agree to take him back or fawn after him while he is still cheating on you, you model that the behavior is ok.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Blueskies,

It's a good thing to let yourself feel. When your sad find a place you feel safe and let it all out. Reflect on your feelings. Find someone you talk to (here is good) and let it out. Don't keep it balled up inside of you till it becomes to much and makes things worse.

I'm praying for you.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Thanks everyone. PLease see my thread "my husband just admitted he Cheated!!!" for more info.

But here isa little bit of facts leading up to me finding out about his physical affair.

She posted on his FB wall (please also see "Face Book is ruining my marraige" this post was before I found out)

She posted about 3 weeks ago that she missed him and hoped to see him soon. I imediatly messaged her and said I am " 's " wife, why are you missing my husband??what are your intentions with my husband?

I didn't receive a responce from her. So 2 days later I tried to mesage her again, but she had changed her FB setting so non-friends could not message.

Meanwhile my husband said she was just a friend, he saw her once a week going out for lunch. she was easy to talk too. Yes she knew he was reconsiling his marriage.

So things between my husband after that were gettign closer, we were spending more time together, he was visiting me more often, wanting to go out as a family. He opened up a new cell account and put my phone on the account as well, just the way it was before our seperation. He maintained that she was just a friend and he wanted to save his marriage and why would he put my phone on his plan if he didn't want our marriage?

Then last weekend I spent the whole weekend with him at his parents house. It was his birthday weekend. I even slept wiht him in the same bed, his choice to have me there. There was not a lot of cuddling as we had not gotten to that point yet and I was afraid to put moves on him in fear of rejection that he was not ready yet.

Then while with him at his parents I get a FB message from OW. She said she was sorry for not getting back to me sooner, but all she had to say to me is that it really his none of my business when my husband and her see eachother.

So I right away talked to my husband about this. He maintained she was just a friend and was getting the wrong idea from him. He said we would get through this. He seemed really sincere so I trusted him. He didn't want me messaging her back though. I thought that was strange and I just could not leave it at that. So I messaged her back. I said " you can continue to pine for a married man if you want. He does not love you, He is with me. He is my husband. WE are still married. I have been with him the whole weekend spending the last 2 nights with him naked in bed together"

My husband and I continued to have a great Sunday together and I was with him the whole daya nd night. Before I went home we even had our first kiss. I didn't get the kids home until really late. After I got home and kids were in bed, my husband and I were texting eachother. It was really good conversation.

After he went to bed, I got anohter message from OW

She said:" I'm not interested in fighting with you. You don't know me, I don't know you. I do know your marriage has ended and if you want someone to blame, go look in the mirror. I already knew you had stayed at his parents house this weekend, nice try though.

Oh of course I was PISSED!!! I messaged her back a longer message telling her we are STILL married and he plans to come back home. He has 3 children that need him home!!

She didn't message back...

The next day or so my husband told me through text that she had text him at 2:30 AM telling him he needed to choose between her or me.
(Before he told me that I was starting to believe she was just a crazy woman and he was not guilty.)
He continued to text me that he was sorry for putting me in this situation. She was just a friedn and he was cutting off all contact with her. I then unleashed everythign that I was holding inside on him. He had not known yet that she has messaged me that my marriage was over.

The next day he came over and our visit was really really good. He kept hugging me so passionatly. He was over because he needed some paperwok he said, for his lawyer. He said while he was visiting that his lawyer needed it becasue they were changing the divorce to a seperation. I said I'm not signing anything. He said no you won't have to sign anything. (I thoguht it was funny that I would not have to sign for a legal seperation) 

he started telling me that I was going to be really mad at him and probably want a divorce after we had our counseling session on the 23rd. I was just like why. he didn't tell me.

he left to go out to eat. He called me on the way there and he started talking about how guilty he was. He said he did something and it was eating at him. He said he betrayed me really bad. He said he would tell me at counseling. I said you slept with her didn't you!! He said yes. I cried of course and I asked why, why did you do this?? (because I'm a guy) How long have you been seeing her?? (for a couple months) How many times did you sleep with her?? (only once) did you use protection?? (yes of course) Did you sleep wiht her right away?? (no not till a couple months) Did you tell her you loved her??( no never I would never do that) 

Once he was home at his parents we continued to text. WE agreed to work on our marriage, but he kept saying he does not diserve me and that he had betrayed me so bad and that he can't stand how much he has hurt me. He feels so bad. He thinks it might be best to divorce. I convinced him it was not because I loved him so much. we have 11 years together and 3 kids with special needs (our kids have autism)


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I have asked him to move back in, but he seems a bit unsure about it. He is afriad my parents will get in the way again and he will go to jail. (my parents have made situations in the past way more than they are, brainwashed me and have done things to my home and husband behind my back...even goign as far as to steal a name plate on our house, breaking in our house to do it...to make it seem like my husband does not want me to have his last name)

My husband did ask me last saturday (before he affair was exposed and before she messaged) when he could move back in.

Since the affair has been exposed now he is not sure when he will move back in. I have told him that he needs to live here so we can get past this. My feeeling will only get worse if we continue living apart. I told him and have kept telling him that I still desire him a great deal and I want to erase the memories and visions in my head by created new memories wiht him. Sexual memories is what I'm talking about.

He kissed me last night on his own even though I now know about the affair, please see my posts from yesterday. 

He has not let me see his phone so I can know that he is not contacting her, so I still wonder. I know even if he did show me that i still could not know for sure because he can easily delete texts.

I did have a EA affair that has been exposed, but is completly over. He has not asked me for proof, but he can check my phone especially since acct is in his name and he can check on FB. Hes not on my friend list. My affair is very different than his. mine lives in another state and we mostly talked about growing up and how bad my parents are. I also talked about how much I loved my husband and how much I really wanted him, although I tried not to hurt my EA. I liked the attention I as getting, but visualized my husband. I even told my EA that I really wanted to sleep with my husband one last time. 

My husbands affair has been going on while he told me he wanted our marraige!!! I'm only left to imagine how often he sees her. he might see her when he comes home from work and then gets to his paretns late every night, but he has been on contant contact with me through phone calls and texting this whole time!!!

He made me promise to keep all these between us, but I really feel threatened to do that. I am unsure he is telling me the truth. I am unsure that hes not just "having his cake and eating it too"


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

You still don't have all the truth yet. Do not sell yourself short. You do not NEED this man. You deserve a man who will be honest and open with you, who will cherish you, respect you, support you, honor your feelings.

Your husband is lying to you and giving you "trickle truth." He is trying to save his ass. There is no way this woman had such a connection and he saw her for months and they only had sex once.

You need to kick him to the curb. Until he wants to come clean, and show TRUE remorse, then you should not even consider taking him back. Get a separation agreement so he is court ordered to pay support to you in the mean time.

Do not accept intimacy or apologies or guilt as true remorse. True repentance corrects faults, he is not there yet and probably still seeing this woman. He is not showing the desire to truly reconcile. If you accept him back because you are feeling needy, you are setting yourself up for further hurt. You are also modeling to your children that it is ok for husbands to treat their wives like crap. You and your kids deserve better.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Hope for the best, but expect the worst. 

Your H is clearly trickle truthing you. I know you want to believe him, but you have to assume everything he is telling you is a lie, or half truth. He's likely rationalizing it as "protecting you"... and If he does come clean expect to hear that exact excuse for not being honest. 

Truth is, he's a liar and a cheater. The "protecting you" motive eases his contious about lying. Helps enable him to keep cheating, which he is doing. Probably thinks he "needs to find out" if what he has with her is real... again, to be "fair" to you.

I'm sorry for you, please protect yourself.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

My husband is texting me as we speak. So things are promising, but i'm just not sure if he really is telling me the truth that the affair is over. 

I have brought up the subject this morning wiht him about spending the weekend ove night with me. He did not give me any straight answer as to a yes or a no.

So I'm still working on him. 

He was texting me about doing something together in DEnver this weekend. So I said yes. Then I said the kids could spend the night at his parents. Also said the kids might be able to spend the night with his parents tonight so we can have steak together. Thursdays is his day that he eats steak because he says it is payday. I'm concerned that it is the day that he meets her and he might possibly still be meeting her. I suggested this morning that I meet him and we eat as a family, but he said he wants to eat at the bar cause he does not want to wait to be seated. (my husband does not drink at all, unless you call Ice tea drinking)

Earlier this morning when he was texting on his first break he asked how I was doing. I said I was sad. I didn't go into detail cause yesterday it really set him off while he was at work. So I said it was the situation, the whole situation and us being apart, the kids having a not very good holiday, that I feel a lot of guilt for things I can't change, that I can't change that the kids are missing my mom(my paretns cut out right now) and why mommy is sad and daddy is not home, I said that I was so happy when I'm with him though, that I really hope to have time forever with him, to know for sure that he will always be here, to know for sure that I will never have to worry about sharing him with another, then I said anyway how is your day going (wanted to leave it on a positive note) He said good until I text you. I said I was sorry, but he asked me how I was, that I do think of him all the time thoguh and I love him very much. Then he had to go back to work.

An hour and half later he text during non-break hours that i should look on the interent at something in DEnver and maybe we will do that this weekend.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

You taking him back and accepting him now will set you up for more pain. Your husband is not telling you the truth and possibly still in the affair. Do not be naive, many of us on the board have gone through it and can easily see through the situation.

Do not allow yourself to reconcile until the affair is over, your husband comes clean, and he shows TRUE remorse. Right now your husband knows you will come to him no matter what he does, and he is playing you.

You need to work on developing some self-respect. Your husband will not give you more respect than you command. Right now you are commanding none.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Its so hard to tell you what you need to hear, I sense your pain and its awful. I feel terrible having to beat back that hope you have some much invested in. 

It is Ok to hope, but you have to do what gives you the best longterm shot at true reconciliation. What your doing, is the exact opposite. 

You have to see your giving him free passes to an all you can eat Cake buffet. 

I've read "this" story too many times. I really don't want to see you get flattened. Please open your eyes & get out of the road!!


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

morituri said:


> I'm puzzled blueskies, didn't you say in that thread that your affair partner flew down to where you live and the two of you had sex? If that is true then it wasn't simply an EA. Did you ever tell your husband that it got physical?


Your right no I did not, It was 1 night though and the mistake of my life!!! I know for sure my husband is not telling me the whole truth too.

Won't it hurt him more if he knows?? I would have prefered that I didn't know about him having sex with this girl. I don't want him haivng the pain of imaging things in our own home because no matter what I tell him he will keep imagining things. I know because I'm imaging him. I do wish he would have spared me the pain of letting me know he slept wiht her. I would not be imaging so much!!!

I have tried to leave it as we both made a horrible mistake. I know I'm commited to our marraige and willing to let him check my phone records and everything. 

I don't want to know any more about his affair. I know enough to hurt and I really don't think it will make him feel better to know. 

I have friends that exposed the whole entire truth and it did not help the marriage. 

My affair was EA for a couple months through Text and facebook. He knows I had phone sex and video sex. I did talk about my affair with him and why I did it. 
What I didn't say was: It was 1 night and that was it. Then he flew back the next early morning and I stopped contacting him and started ignoring his texts or facebook phone calls.

I was thinking of my husband and then a few weeks after that my husband asked me if I really wanted the divorce. I said no I didn't really and that I thought he wanted a divorce for years. My husband started contacting me through emails several times per day after that. (But during this time he was supposedly seeing her). He says he was thinking of me and wishing he was with me. He was in contact with me every day. We met at a park with the kids for a first meeting soon after we starting talking. The restraining order was still in place, but we saw eachother as often as possible. (still all the while he was supposedly with her)

I do still wonder if he is really telling me the truth. Is he making it all out to be worse than it really is. He is known to tell stories. Does he not want me to know that he had a one night stand?? I would feel so much better if he did tell me that. I would understand he was in a great deal of pain and was maybe trying to prove something to himself by doing it.

He changed his story about where he met her. His story does not add up to me. His first story seems more real. His first story was that "he met her at Chilis and it was a mutual aggreement what they did."

Then last night he said thats not what happened. She messaged him on FB and solicitaed him and that is how it started. I first felt better about this because it meant she is just a total total ****, but then he had sex with someone who possibly been with many many men!!

Then I thought...this just does not make sence because I never saw any messages from her on his FB. I had checked his account after she posted on his wall and I first got the idea he was having a horrile affair.

So I'm so mixed up:scratchhead:


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Hope for the best, but expect the worst.
> 
> Your H is clearly trickle truthing you. I know you want to believe him, but you have to assume everything he is telling you is a lie, or half truth. He's likely rationalizing it as "protecting you"... and If he does come clean expect to hear that exact excuse for not being honest.
> 
> ...


I'm thinking you are right and thats why I'm so sad. Hes going to eat steak tonight and my MIL is coming over soon. I told her this morning what he has been doing. I know the restaurant he is going too. Ive asked him if we could eat tonihgt alone. I said the kids could stay at his parents. He said no because he does not want to be out late tonight cause he still has to work tomorrow. I said I would meet him there and I would go home after. I have not heard back from him yet.

I'm wondering if I should talk to my MIL about the kids spending the night anyway and me going to the restaurant and waiting for him to show up. Just so I can see if he is meeting someone there or not. If he is I will confront him. Hopefully havin the guts to take pics with my phone first before my heart totally gets in the way

My MIL is shocked completly that he would do this to me and his kids. She didn't really beleive me until I told her more. Now I will tell her how he does not want to eat with me in anyway tonight.

She also didn't know he had stopped paying me support. She is shocked about that


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Oh... didn't see the part where you also cheated.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I think that it would be healthy if the two of you would sit down and come to an agreement to be to totally honest with each other IF one or the other needed to know more about the others affair. All you have to do - this applies to him as well - is to say to each other "I am more than willing to answer any questions that you might have regarding my affair". The goal is to not shove the gory details down each others throats of your affairs but to be mutually transparent, open books to one another.

I got an idea. Why don't you ask him if he would let you join him in playing together with his X-box this weekend? This way it would give the two of you time to spend with each other, and enjoy a few hours of escapist fun. This would go some ways to show him that he can feel good to be around you without him dreading that you simply want to talk about the affairs. Sure it is only a band aid but it could be the first step in him wanting to share more time with you. Give it some thought.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

morituri said:


> I think that it would be healthy if the two of you would sit down and come to an agreement to be to totally honest with each other IF one or the other needed to know more about the others affair. All you have to do - this applies to him as well - is to say to each other "I am more than willing to answer any questions that you might have regarding my affair". The goal is to not shove the gory details down each others throats of your affairs but to be mutually transparent, open books to one another.
> 
> I got an idea. Why don't you ask him if he would let you join him in playing together with his X-box this weekend? This way it would give the two of you time to spend with each other, and enjoy a few hours of escapist fun. This would go some ways to show him that he can feel good to be around you without him dreading that you simply want to talk about the affairs. Sure it is only a band aid but it could be the first step in him wanting to share more time with you. Give it some thought.


He has sense changed his story as what he wants to do this weekend. He know wants me to look up some dodge truck dealers in Denver so we can go look. 

His plan before this affair was exposed was too buy a truck and a Large 5th wheel so after he gets laid off from this job we will have a place to live. Our house is in forclosure and we are in bankrupcy. Our bankrupcy will be finalized in a couple months. He is getting a large check from this job hes on when he gets laid off.

AS far as discussing eveything in detail. We are going to marraige counseling which was his choice. We have gone once where I asked him about this woman before I knew for sure. I guess he did admit it in counseling, but I missed it since he went staraight to talking about my EA. I admitted it. 

Our next appt is the 23rd...where he originally planned to tell me all about his affair...Nice timing hah? 2 days before xmas!!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I would normally tell you to implement the 180 degree rules (see link below my signature) but since the two of you are going to MC, then I would hold off on implementing it unless he stops going to MC. I truly hope that he doesn't shirk from going to MC and do the necessary work on his part to help rebuild the marriage.

Now as far as child support is concerned. I think you need to make it respectfully clear to him that his children need their father home and that he has to be financially responsible for them. He's going to have money coming in and that money should be used FIRST for his children. This should be a non-negotiable condition because your (his) children depend on the two of you for their well being.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I sincerely hope you tell him about your affair and how you also had sex with someone else.

because right now you are holding this over his head and it's not fair. It's not fair at all when you also cheated on him and slept with someone else--someone who flew from an entirely different state to sleep with you.

Be honest. You can't hate on him if you are doing the very same thing to him (holding back, not being honest, lying).

Put all your cards on the table and let them fall where they may.

My bet is that his affair is a LOT worse than he's told you. Any woman who would lash out at the wife that way def has something a lot more crazy to tell them just "oh we talked and had sex one time." The way she defends herself in her posts to you and says "your marriage has been over--look int he mirror" means HE told her your marriage was over and that you were the cause of it falling out the way it did. That or she is just a b!tch. But I would rather believe the former. She also told him to "choose between you two" so my bet is he may have told her he was leaving her for you. And maybe only now is coming to his damn senses. Is she married/partnered? If so, you NEEd to tell her boyfriend/partner/husband. Do this w/o lettingi your husband know.

If he truly wants the marriage to work, he neds to start showing you his phone, facebook, everything. Trust is in the gutter right now.....so you both need to start telling the truth and showing thru actions you are being honest.

Tell him about your affair.


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## speakingforsomemen (Dec 12, 2011)

His XBOX? Come on!


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Blue, there can't be any dishonesty in a healthy marriage. Right now both you and your husband are not being honest with eachother.

You both need IC and MC because there are obviously issues in both of your lives that got you to this point. I would focus on working on yourself and not even thinking about the marriage at this point.

Until you both get your personal issues resolved, there's no chance at a happy marriage, with your current spouse or future relationships.

I'm not saying to admit defeat and walk away, I'm trying to get across that if you don't address the root problems of your relationship, your marriage WON'T work.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> I sincerely hope you tell him about your affair and how you also had sex with someone else.
> 
> because right now you are holding this over his head and it's not fair. It's not fair at all when you also cheated on him and slept with someone else--someone who flew from an entirely different state to sleep with you.
> 
> ...


Right now if I tell him the whole truth about my affair he will blame me for everything. In know that is how he is. He will decide she is better because she has not cheated on him.

Yes I do beleive there is WAY more than he is telling me!! He said in the court room of our restraining order that he was getting a lawyer and divorcing me.

I'm going to be reserving these types of questions as far as how do I know its over in our counseling and let our counselor tell him how important it is for him to make me feel safe.

Today I tried to convince him to let me join him tonight for his steak dinner, but he found every excuse around it. He said he wanted to hurry up and go home to relax and go to bed.

He has said that we will go out for steak and a movie friday night without the kids if I call his paretns and ask if they will watch them.

I told him how he said he was going to put a 110% into our marriage and we needed time away from the kids. He agreed.

I'm still working on him to move back in and it will be brought up in counseling.

Last night I let him know what me and the kids are living on now that he has skipped making support payments for 2 weeks. (My thinking is that someone has told him she gets foodstamps and you pay all the bills don't give her any money) I told him I have to live on $265 a month for food and I am going without most of the time so the food stamps last. Now that I have no cash I can't buy any food or thier medications or dr appts.

He seems to think I take them to the dr too much anyway. Our kids have ADHD and Autism.

I told him if he was living in the house then I would not have to worry about money, but I do right now becaue I have no money.

I think if he does not move in soon, I will be gettign rid of the family dog. I can't feed her and care for her without money.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Tell him about your affair.


Ok, I must really be slow on the uptake and didnt have time to read all the threads you referrenced about your situation... 

So, you had some guy fly in to have sex with you, and your husband knows nothing about this?

*edit* restraining order?


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

COguy said:


> Blue, there can't be any dishonesty in a healthy marriage. Right now both you and your husband are not being honest with eachother.
> 
> You both need IC and MC because there are obviously issues in both of your lives that got you to this point. I would focus on working on yourself and not even thinking about the marriage at this point.
> 
> ...


We are both going to IC and MC. 

I have admitted what I did wrong in the marraige and why it all lead to my affair. The only thing I didn't admit is the 1 night of sex.

He has not admitted what lead to his affair except that he was really upset about me giving up on him and about what my controlling dad was doing. My parents are very controlling and they are mostly out of my life. I have been convincing him that they won't be back controlling.

He has not yet showed me completly that the affair for him is completly over.

He could be telling me the truth, but he also could not. He keeps tellling me that if he was not committed to our marraige that he would not be going to IC and MC, he would not be coming over to see me, spending his weekends with me, and have our phones on a family plan.

Today I have been texting him in a differnt way about me hoping to be sure his affair is over by me saying things like "the only one to love him" "not have to share him with another" 

I hope if he is still with her his guilt will make him stop. I told him I needed reassurance that he will be alone at the restaurant tonight.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Restraining order?


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Soccerfan73 said:


> Restraining order?


Restraining order is over now. Its been totally dismissed by me.
It happened because instead of calmly talking to me he threw things out of the fridge as I was trying to make dinner, yelled in front of the kids, slammed things. Yelled at our autistic son making him hide under a couch cushion. Said things he should not have said to me in a fit of anger.

I was feeling so guilty for our children to view all this. 

PLus my paretns were very very involved and had connections with the local Domestic Violence center here. My husband never laid a hand on me, but he did have explosive anger.

I had the order dropped in early November about a month after we started talking again.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Why not give the kids to their dad to take care of however he can and you get a job and pay him child support? They're his kids too and well, his girlfriend can help him look after them.

If he is not going to support them then you will have to, and if you have to get a job, then he needs to take care of them so that you can work.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Ok, I must really be slow on the uptake and didnt have time to read all the threads you referrenced about your situation...
> 
> So, you had some guy fly in to have sex with you, and your husband knows nothing about this?
> 
> *edit* restraining order?


My husband probably has his suspisions of this, but he seems to not want to disclose everything to me right now about his affair. 

I know my affair is over and can prove it to him if he asks(he doesn't) 

Do you think if he knew for sure that i had a 1 day thing that I could get him to move back in?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, first, you should show up at the restaurant, to see if he is lying and still seeing her. You need to know the truth. Words are cheap and his lawyer probably told him how much of his paycheck he's going to have to give you, so now he's decided to NOT divorce you so he doesn't have to support his kids (since you aren't forcing him to pay y'all's bills as you should be).

Second, just begging him to come home will NOT fix your marriage. All that does is teach him that you'll take him back no matter what he does, so he will now have free rein to cheat as much as he wants; after all, you have given him NO consequences. 

You need to do a couple things. First, you need to contact a lawyer or find out how you get him to legally have to start sharing his paycheck with you. NOW. Today. By you allowing him to not support his kids just because you're scared of making him mad, you have made yourself look like a doormat. If you want him to WANT you, he has to respect you, and right now you're doing nothing to warrant respect. In fact, he's on Cloud 9 because he now has 2 women fighting over him. There's no greater ego boost to a man and you're handing it to him on a silver platter.

Go ahead and spend the weekend with him, but make it clear that you will NOT let him move back home until he hands over the passwords to his phone and computer. Period. Tell him you will NOT be his second choice, you have too much respect for that, and that if he chooses to come home, it will be on your terms.

I know the idea of that scares you, but please trust me - you will NEVER get a decent marriage if you just beg him to come home and let him do so without consequences. He has broken your trust and he has to earn it back, starting with:
His passwords
Handing over his phone if you ask to look at it, so you can learn to trust him again
He writes a No Contact letter to OW that YOU read and send yourself
He finds a marriage counselor that you two start seeing (HE needs to do this, to show he's not just taking the cheap way out by moving home)
He commits to spending 10-15 hours a week with you without the kids

If he won't do these things, blue, then he's just moving home because it's cheaper and he thinks you're dumb enough to let him. Do you really want THAT marriage? What kind of message does that send the kids? Do you want them learning it's ok to cheat, and it's ok to LET your spouse cheat? Set the right example.

btw, please tell your MIL that he has NOT given you financial support.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Why not give the kids to their dad to take care of however he can and you get a job and pay him child support? They're his kids too and well, his girlfriend can help him look after them.
> 
> If he is not going to support them then you will have to, and if you have to get a job, then he needs to take care of them so that you can work.


Ya well that just won't work. I have 3 special needs children, I have not worked since I got hurt and got a disability rating, but not enough to get SSI. I was hurt in 2003 with 2 back injuries and 2 injuries to my nerves. 

My husband works 6:30A to 4:30pm m-f and sometimes SAt. His work is in 2 cities over from where he is livig with his parents and is a 90min drive and more with heavy traffic or snow. He also really doesn't get out of security at job site until 5pm. 

Thats why its been so hard to beleive he had time for an affair???

I'm trying to beleive its over, but thats really hard.
He is texting me good morning at 6:15Am and texts me until start time at 6:30Am. Then he texts at break at 9am, then again for 20-30 min at lunch at 11:30...then also at last break...then closer it gets to quitting time he will text that the day is almost over. Then once the day is over he texts starting at 4:30PM. he is stuck in traffic going through security from 4:30 to 4:45-5PM. Then he calls and talks to me on the phone on his long drive home. Then is also texting me when he is out eating at a restaurant.

So its so hard to tell if he is really having a lengthy affair or if the affair is really over???


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

turnera said:


> Ok, first, you should show up at the restaurant, to see if he is lying and still seeing her. You need to know the truth. Words are cheap and his lawyer probably told him how much of his paycheck he's going to have to give you, so now he's decided to NOT divorce you so he doesn't have to support his kids (since you aren't forcing him to pay y'all's bills as you should be).
> 
> I was really thinking of going and checking up on him tonight, since he decided to not want me there at all. I suspect Thursdays are OW's days off.
> 
> ...


I told my MIL that he has not given support in 2 wks and its coming up on 3 wks now. She was like WHAT?!!

I will also tell her he has let the joint acct stay negative for the last 17 days. Our insurance Auto came out and thats where he is supposed to put the support payments. Somehow he has convinced the judge that I have to pay the car insurance and his life insurance because it comes out of our joint acct.

He supposed to be paying $300 a week for a total of $1200 and with me having to pay car insurance and life insurance and whatever overdraft fees, it leaves me with $900 a month 

He made me pay my car payment with $$ I got from selling my last puppy (i used to be a dog breeder, befroe all this stuff happen) He said he would pay me back in $200 increments. He paid $200 last week, but no cathcing up the joint acct or paying regular support payment.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

turnera:
I put my responces in the quote in between each paragraph, my bad


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I sincerely hope you tell him about your affair and how you also had sex with someone else.
> 
> because right now you are holding this over his head and it's not fair. It's not fair at all when you also cheated on him and slept with someone else--someone who flew from an entirely different state to sleep with you.
> 
> ...




OKAYYYYYYY, she lucky I don't know her landline. I'd call and tell on her like a child. (did I say that) :scratchhead:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> I'm thinking that as long as he stays living elsewhere he has more freedom to contiue to cheat


That is not your concern. You can't control him, you can't change him, you can't make him want what YOU want. But you can show him a woman who will NOT accept second best. Keeping him at home so you can supervise him will not work. Accept that, and you can begin to make smart decisions.



> My kids don't know daddy is cheating


They will, either sooner or later. Do you want them to also be mad at YOU for also lying to them? They need at least one of you to be honest and fair with them. If he reconciles, they don't need to know. But if he continues to cheat and leave you all stranded, they need to know why; otherwise they will blame themselves, since no one is telling them the truth - kids always assume it's their fault, they just do. Unless they hear the truth, that it's an outside influence and their dad made bad choices.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

turnera said:


> That is not your concern. You can't control him, you can't change him, you can't make him want what YOU want. But you can show him a woman who will NOT accept second best. Keeping him at home so you can supervise him will not work. Accept that, and you can begin to make smart decisions.
> 
> They will, either sooner or later. Do you want them to also be mad at YOU for also lying to them? They need at least one of you to be honest and fair with them. If he reconciles, they don't need to know. But if he continues to cheat and leave you all stranded, they need to know why; otherwise they will blame themselves, since no one is telling them the truth - kids always assume it's their fault, they just do. Unless they hear the truth, that it's an outside influence and their dad made bad choices.


I feel so much sadness for my kids!! They just don't understand why dady is not coming home. Daddy tells them he wishes he could come home. He tells me he would like nothing more than to wake up to me every morning.
WELL THAN DO IT!!!

I hope our MC session can shed some light on him. 

#1 I need proof that affair is over and he NC her...she NC him.

(I don't want to doubt my husband all the time)

His uncle says a wife needs to support her husband no matter what

I made amends with his most important family members. My parents did some huge damamge over the years by brainwashing me and I intern did not trust his family who are really good people. 

His uncle told me that a wife supports her husband no matter what before I knew he was cheating!! 

I did think so highly of my husband, but find myself losing total respect for him!!!

I can only get that respect for him back when he proves that he really is 110% devoted to our marraige and me.

When he does not turn his back on my tears...

I don't like telling my kids that mommy is so sad because of daddy, but they are noticing and my smallest one is picking up that it is because of daddy. They are going to start resenting him.

I really hope my husband is not still with her.

He said its going to be a long hard road and that I beleive, but I hope he told me the truth about only it being once and that I'm not going to find out about a baby!!!

Thats really what I'm afraid of!!!

I hope I'm wrong


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Ok, do I have this right now...

So now you had an affair which he believes was just an EA, as a result of this "EA" he blew up and said mean things to you and threw things around... that resulted in you filing a restraining order... But the EA was always a PA, you just wont tell him that... meantime he's shagging some other women and not supporting his special needs children.

So your both lying cheaters that are trickle truthing one another.. Meantime your children and your pets are suffering?

Why do I feel like we're being trickle truthed too? I dont know why I feel like a chump... lol.

My advice..... As long as your are going to continue lying, dont ask for advice. Radical idea.... Tell the truth. 

Good luck with your marraige.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Ok, do I have this right now...
> 
> So now you had an affair which he believes was just an EA, as a result of this "EA" he blew up and said mean things to you and threw things around... that resulted in you filing a restraining order... But the EA was always a PA, you just wont tell him that... meantime he's shagging some other women and not supporting his special needs children.
> 
> ...


Yes its a huge mess and I have been trying to clean it up. I know I have done wrong. I really don't feel comfortable telling him yet. I am so ashamed and afraid of the huge blow up again. He has had past blow ups that resulted in jail time, but I think I may have been over reacting because of influences of how things should be from other people like my disfunctional family.

I'm just so afraid to tell him and so so ashamed!!

Our marraige was sexless for a very long time! I thought he didn't love me. He was unhapppy with anyhting and everything I did. he has admited that he was unhappy with everything I did and the reasons why.

WE have communicated about those issues that lead up to us both having the affairs. MIne is over and I really hope his is too, but he seems to be secretive.

Perhaps I should stop being so afraid of the future and just go with it, but its very difficult.


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