# Separation Playbook?



## HoldingOutHope (Aug 29, 2011)

How does separation lead to reconciliation?

In the span of a week, my wife and I have gone from her asking for a separation, to me filing for divorce, to now we're finally talking and suddenly we're pausing the divorce, and I'm reconsidering the separation altogether.

I think we need time to heal and time to remember what makes each other happy, and time to work on the relationship. I'm VERY optimistic we can make this work. The separate living situation could help me refocus and make some changes in my life.

But how do you reconnect with your spouse if you don't see her? How do we rekindle our spark if we're always apart?

What do most people do? Set weekly dates? When can I suggest this? A week, a month after? I seriously don't know where to get started, or what to do next.


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## hardtime (Aug 29, 2011)

Sorry, I am in the same boat. I think I would wait about 3-4 weeks. Just my opinion


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## muppetsinspace (Sep 1, 2011)

Personally, I have to think that counseling is one of the things that couples should try to do to help their marriage. Counseling not just as a couple, but individual counseling. You may not think that you're contributing to the downfall of things, but you are. I'm not saying that you're a bad person. I'm not even saying you're being irrational or wrong. I'm saying that extreme circumstances cause people to develop some seriously strange patterns of behavior, and a 3rd party can really help to name those things.

You have to set rules. I'm going through a strange time with my wife right now. She is pulling away from me. It is 50/50 whose fault it is, and I think that we've fed off each others negativity for enough time to make a "reboot" necessary.

Look: There are risks involved. You need to understand that things may not work out. You also need to fight for what you want. But you have to make sure it's what you want. And, in the meantime, the best thing you can do is work on yourself. SHOW your spouse that you're changing, don't tell her. Don't even talk about it. S/he'll notice.

Look up the "Divorce Busters" 180 Degrees rules. I've been using a lot of them to instill some power in my own life, and it's helped me discover a few things about myself that I don't like and need to change. Also, my wife has taken immediate notice and is asking what's up with me.

Another interesting resource is marriedmansexlife.com. Someone suggested I read that blog a few days ago. It's got some good stuff in there. Read between the lines, though. It may be directing you to do specific things, and it may suggest a certain course of action. Understand the spirit of what is being presented there, and realize that the gateway to having better relationships is just being a better person.

Helpful? Yes. Easy? Hardly. Get ready for some big things. It's going to be a bumpy ride. But I promise you it will be well worth it.


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