# Child accidently hears parents talk about sex



## Mr.PotentialFulfilled (Jan 5, 2010)

What should a parent do if their child (who is around 11), accidentally hears the parents talking about sex from another room?


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Sex in what terms?
An 11 year old is at the age when they are learning the "facts of life". They come to the realization that their parents have/had sex, and where they came from (although they don't like to dwell on it regarding their parents). 
So I think that how the sex discussion related to the parents' marriage is important. If the discussion is "we can't wait to do X when little Sally is at Grandma's", that's going to be less distressing to the child than a tension-filled "you're withholding sex from me!" argument.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I wouldn't do anything.

Parents have sex. Married people have sex...at least children should be taught that they do.

Nothing happened, the child is ok. 

I'm sure our kids hear/see things between my husband and I...and it's ok. Hopefully they see the importance of these things in marriage.


----------



## Mr.PotentialFulfilled (Jan 5, 2010)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Sex in what terms?
> An 11 year old is at the age when they are learning the "facts of life". They come to the realization that their parents have/had sex, and where they came from (although they don't like to dwell on it regarding their parents).
> So I think that how the sex discussion related to the parents' marriage is important. If the discussion is "we can't wait to do X when little Sally is at Grandma's", that's going to be less distressing to the child than a tension-filled "you're withholding sex from me!" argument.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It was kind of a "you're withholding sex from me" talk. I've been in a flirtatious mood with my wife all morning. She dressed up and looked great. I was hugging her and kissing her. My child saw me hugging her. But then my child was downstairs and I said to my wife how my new therapist could not believe how little we have sex and said I must be #@$ off a lot. My wife said our child could hear us. I said "can you hear me? My child said yes. The child was downstairs playing.

And my child does know the facts of life.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Don't worry about it. It was an adult conversation and the child heard it. Let it go. But that's my opinion.

I heard some things similar as a kid/teen from my parents.

It made me value sex in relationships. i always said I would refuse to fight about sex or money--- which is what my parents fought about the most.


----------



## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I agree with TG do nothing unless he asks a specific question.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Dude, at that age he knows everything by now. You didn't rock his world, believe me...


----------



## TheCrunch (Sep 3, 2012)

If you feel that anything you said might cause a problem for the child some sort of explanation may be necessary. If you feel all is well, just let it go but make sure child is not in earshot in the future.

Not sure how you feel about addressing the subject of sex with children in general but link below has some advice.

Talking to your children/teenagers about Porn?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The WORST thing you want to do is make a big deal about it.

That said, he is old enough for you to start having talks with him about what life is going to be about - including relationships, sex, honesty, integrity...

Remember, 11 year olds BECOME who you teach them to be. Hide something, and he'll grow to covet it. Explain something, and he'll grow to understand it.


----------



## Mr.PotentialFulfilled (Jan 5, 2010)

turnera said:


> Remember, 11 year olds BECOME who you teach them to be. Hide something, and he'll grow to covet it. Explain something, and he'll grow to understand it.


Wow! I love that saying! I believe it's true. The worst thing is to make something a forbidding fruit.

I have a big responsibility on my hand. I want my 11 year old to become much better than what I became. And that shouldn't be too hard.


----------



## Mr.PotentialFulfilled (Jan 5, 2010)

TheCrunch said:


> If you feel that anything you said might cause a problem for the child some sort of explanation may be necessary. If you feel all is well, just let it go but make sure child is not in earshot in the future.
> 
> Not sure how you feel about addressing the subject of sex with children in general but link below has some advice.
> 
> Talking to your children/teenagers about Porn?


Thank you for the link. I'll look into it. I know porn has always been a problem with me. I don't want that problem passed on.


----------



## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

happened to me. I just thought it was gross and it made me uncomfortable for a few Weeks. getting my first period was much more uncomfortable than sex talk.


----------



## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

turnera said:


> The WORST thing you want to do is make a big deal about it.
> 
> That said, he is old enough for you to start having talks with him about what life is going to be about - including relationships, sex, honesty, integrity...
> 
> Remember, 11 year olds BECOME who you teach them to be. Hide something, and he'll grow to covet it. Explain something, and he'll grow to understand it.


A wise mother you are!


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Throughout most of the world (and for most of our own history), parents have/had sex in the same room with their kids and civilization has survived thousands of years. He didn't arrive on this earth because y'all played checkers. Unless you and your husband are just unusually freaky, he's probably heard and seen more shocking sexual behavior at school.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If he plays video games, watches movies, and goes to public school, by the time he's 11, he's been exposed to more "sex" than the nastiest 50 year old New Orleans hooker of 1880.


----------



## TheCrunch (Sep 3, 2012)

Unbelievable - sadly this is all too true and is the reason I recently decided to take the advice in the link I gave above and had the "porn talk" in addition to previous "sex talk" with my kids. And they have to be ongoing conversations.


----------



## Mr.PotentialFulfilled (Jan 5, 2010)

I want to protect my child from porn lest she/he find porn a major distraction and addiction like happened to me.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mr, remember to INSIST that he is free to talk to you about everything - everything - and that you won't judge him for anything he does. Tell him you may be unhappy with his CHOICES, but you'll never judge him as a person if he screws up. Tell him it's natural to make mistakes, it's how you deal with it afterwards that shows your integrity, whether you're a 'man.' (and right now he's thinking about becoming a man, so he'll soak up any conversations about it) Take him on walks, have him do yardwork with you, go fishing...things where you have a lot of time, side by side, so you can have easier conversations. The key to raising a great man is to allow him to tell you anything.

I told DD22 that when I was raising her, and she wasn't really sure I was telling the truth. She tested me a few times and I still never judged her. Today I'm her best friend. She can tell me anything.


----------



## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

I once over heard my dad yelling about how he's had to ja*k off for years when i was young. It's something that's always stuck with me, and it's also what made want to make sure I take care of my husbands needs. But my parents did not have a healthy relationship either.

I wouldnt make too much of a deal about it, like others have said, and try to be as open and approachable as possible to your kids about sex.


----------



## TheCrunch (Sep 3, 2012)

Although I have had the sex and porn talk with my teenage D the "conversation" is totally one-sided. She listens but NEVER asks me any questions or comments on what I say. This is somewhat daunting for me but I still think I have to have these talks from time to time, and do. I try and think about what questions I would have had at that age and pose the questions myself and answer my own questions during the talk. But I would much prefer to hear from her what her own questions are.

I always tell her that if she has any questions or worries I am here for her. 

Should I be worried about her never opening up? She gets real quiet if anything comes on TV which alludes to sex, periods and the like. I think it's just pure embarrassment. 

I recall one time there was a sex eduction programme on TV aimed at her age group and I encouraged her to watch it with me but she found an excuse to go to her room. Thing is, I am sure if I wasn't there she would have been all eyes and ears. She'll often switch to another channel when I come into the TV room. I'd quite like to watch soaps with her as it would be a way of broaching tricky topics in general but she won't watch soaps unless she is alone!!!


----------



## TheCrunch (Sep 3, 2012)

Hmm .... come to think of it, I never asked my parents anything about sex either!


----------



## TheCrunch (Sep 3, 2012)

Mr.PotentialFulfilled said:


> I want to protect my child from porn lest she/he find porn a major distraction and addiction like happened to me.


Have you thoroughly thought through what led you to have such issues. Also is there anything that your parents could have said or done to help you have a "healthier" view on porn. 

I'm thinking if you can answer the above, together with your knowledge of the negative consequences of porn addiction, you might be well placed to help your children avoid the pitfalls. 

Perhaps between you and your wife you could come up with a best approach and deliver it.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

TheCrunch said:


> I always tell her that if she has any questions or worries I am here for her. Should I be worried about her never opening up?


Here's what I did. I started talking ... around ... her (not directly TO her, as that would embarrass her) about stuff. Make it matter of fact. Talk about the facts of life as though they are normal, everyone does it, everyone has feelings, insecurities, wanting to be wanted, may experiment, will make mistakes...and give some examples from your or someone else's past, so she can see that everyone really does do it. 

The best thing I did with my DD22 was to start going on walks with her. Walking side by side is less confrontational than facing each other - which can be like an attack. You're gone a long time, so you have to talk about _something_. Start by talking about her school, her friends, her cousins, her classes, whatever. Grease the wheels. Get her used to talking to you. Tell her again and again that you'll never judge her and that your job is to be her safety net, where she can ask questions she's too embarrassed to ask anyone else. Remind her you changed her diapers, so nothing is off the table. You're just that person who can be like her secret holder - hear the stuff she doesn't want to share with anyone. 

DD22 tested me a few times, but I never talked to any of her friends about any issues DD was having with them - I just became the person she could vent to, while she figured out what to do. 

IF you keep talking and talking and talking, she'll probably start participating and get more comfortable. Bring up the hormone and sex stuff occasionally, VERY matter of factly. "Now that you're getting your period, we should look up some websites about hygiene and hormone changes and stuff, cos you'll want to start paying more attention to those things." Stuff like that, depending on her age. Don't TELL her what to do, but offer to help her find things, and let her see how matter of fact it is.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Also, if she actively avoids you like that, get her a book about what it's like to be a tween/teen and deal with these subjects, and just take it to her in her bedroom and say 'I figured since you're getting so much older, it's time for you to learn more about these things. I read this, and it has a lot of good answers. And remember, I'm always here to answer questions, no question is a dumb question, and I know this is all new to you, so I expect you to have lots of questions; I'll never judge you, you have my word.' And then just leave it with her.


----------



## TheCrunch (Sep 3, 2012)

Many thanks Turnera - I will definitely try talking "around" her. I have not done that as yet. Also I will look for even more opportunities to talk to her whilst doing an activity. I have read books (or sections of books) with her in the past and would then leave the book with her to read on her own. 

I think just keeping things "matter of fact" is great advice. She can probably sense that I am a little anxious that she doesn't open up and this will probably just make her want to withdraw even more.

Thanks again for sharing.


----------

