# xWF goes on a lovely vacation…



## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

So I log on to FB and see that my xWF has decided to take a European this week. I’m absolutely livid.

I’m the one who get’s cheated on. I’m the one who moves out. I’m the one who has to buy new furniture. I’m the one living in a basement apartment like a 20-year-old. I’m the one who gave up the friends she didn’t like—who would have been there for me through the worst. I’m the one spending money I don’t have on a shrink to help me through this.

And yet, she’s the one who gets to go bouncing around Europe with her friend enjoying her newfound freedom… as if she ****ing deserves it. As if she deserves a vacation from all the heartache uncertainty and pain that she brought on herself. I hope she gets in a fight with her friend and then gets pick-pocketed by a gypsy.

Seriously though… while breaking up has got to be a million times easier than trying to R, it’s still really hard. Especially when you know that the WS may never be in a position (or even have the capacity) to feel as much pain as they caused you. Plus, the date of our would-be wedding is only a couple of weeks away.

I just needed to vent. I was so tempted to write something nasty on her FB wall. But, I know, at this point, it would just make me look bad. How do you guys deal with this sort of residual anger?

Whatever, at least I’m the one getting laid again.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

I assume that some of your money paid for that wonderful trip. If so, realize that life sometimes just isn't fair. Also, why are you still looking at her FB page? Let her go already.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> Especially when you know that the WS may never be in a position (or even have the capacity) to feel as much pain as they caused you.


I get the feeling you are rubbing your wounds with salt. Let it go buddy. That stuff is bad for ya. It's all about you now.


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> I assume that some of your money paid for that wonderful trip. If so, realize that life sometimes just isn't fair. Also, why are you still looking at her FB page? Let her go already.


Nope, no legitimate gripe on the $ front. She always made more than I--although, ironically I got a 20% bump after D-day. she bought the furniture, appliances and my money went to nights out and weekend getaways. Awesome that I have nothing to show for it.

Why is she still among my FB friends? Most rationally, so I can avoid her. Sounds ridiculous, but I was going out for a date 2 weeks ago and noticed on FB that she had checked-in to the very bistro to which I was headed. Called my date and changed venues playing it off as me just being spontaneous and whimsicle. Not very "alpha," but preferable to dragging some poor girl into that drama.

It's also helpful to know which of our friends is she regularly spending time with. I was very shocked when one of "her" friends de-friended her and took my side. I was also very surprised when one of mine (also a BS) stayed friends with her.

I could come up with a few other weaker reasons, but you still have a point.


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

Well here's a bit of positive news... My boss just emailed me asking me to go to Ireland for a few weeks. He said something to the effect of, "I wondered if you might be able to go deal with the Irish at the begining of December. They'll need you for about a week and if I don't see you again after that until 2013, that's fine. Just keep your numbers up!"

I should rant here more often!


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Labcoat said:


> Well here's a bit of positive news... My boss just emailed me asking me to go to Ireland for a few weeks. He said something to the effect of, "I wondered if you might be able to go deal with the Irish at the begining of December. They'll need you for about a week and if I don't see you again after that until 2013, that's fine. Just keep your numbers up!"
> 
> I should rant here more often!


He is probably lurking here .
Congrats in any case.
And do delink or defriend her from all you online activities, sites, profiles and communications.


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## time2heal (Jun 13, 2012)

So, no offense, but if I were your xWF, I would post something like that all over Facebook just to get under your skin....

It looks like it worked, and she wins. Don't let her win.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Another way to think of this is that she is blowing the money she got off you, while you save your money by going on a company sponsored trip. Guess who is coming out ahead in the big picture on this one...


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Labcoat said:


> Why is she still among my FB friends? Most rationally, so I can avoid her.


If you say so.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> If you say so.


Lab,
You mean so that you are not in the same place with her at the same time? That means you are checking on here whereabouts pretty regularly. :scratchhead:


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## dscl (Aug 3, 2012)

Labcoat said:


> Plus, the date of our would-be wedding is only a couple of weeks away.



Count yourself lucky that if it had to happen it did BEFORE you married her.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

dscl said:


> Count yourself lucky that if it had to happen it did BEFORE you married her.


Were you married or not?


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## dscl (Aug 3, 2012)

JCD said:


> Were you married or not?



Yes, I'm married and my stbsw is in a PA and I have filed. I think about the hurt she has given me and our family that I really believe it would have been better that if it had to happen, it would have been easier when we where dating and not after 10yrs of marriage as is the case with me.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Being a beta in divorce proceedings is never smart. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/53415-am-i-giving-up-too-easily.html

^ That attitude is to blame and is why you're here now.

The whole karma bus thing is crap. Plenty of people do wrong everyday and they're never accounted for it, why should infidelity be any different?

You probably wouldn't be living in your said basement if you got alpha and demanded she leave since shes the one who cheated.

And why are you looking at her FB? Get over her, cause shes obviously gotten over you, and make no mistake some European dude is definitely gonna be sexing her up while shes there. 

Also, the preconception of D being easier than R is bullsh!t that beta males and cuckolds tell themselves to sleep at night. "I'm a bigger man I can forgive." *days later* "Why is she out past 4am again we agreed on this" 

You can say you R'd, but how is continuing to put up with crap from your spouse is a sign of strength? Its not, its a sign of weakness and indecision.

Many BSs do this. 

Exhibit A of not manning up and being a beta to his spouse for years, look what it got him. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/57143-foreign-affair.html


What takes strength is to do whats best for you regardless of whether its D or R.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

I hear that Ireland is pretty fun for a stag.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> I assume that some of your money paid for that wonderful trip. If so, realize that life sometimes just isn't fair. Also, why are you still looking at her FB page? Let her go already.


I keep thinking of what my dad always said "Life is not fair". I have accepted it and I am much happier. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

Argh!

Just got an "I wish you wre here with me" email from the xWF. She was describing things she was doing and how there was a layer of sadness b/c she kept thinking about things I would also enjoy over there jokes I would make etc. She also mentioned how I would be able to handle some stressful situation she and her friend found herself in as evidence of how she even thinks of me in the "hard times."

She also congratulated me on my promotion and, for that reason alone, I feel that I probably should respond. I'm very tempted to write back something like: it's really easy to feel romantic when you're on a vacation, even in a stressful situation. But meanwhile I'm again finding myself putting in 10 hour days at work... Would you still feel that "love" for me then... Because the last time my job got like that you ****ed a d-bag in a hotel!

I don't want her back (I have a date this afternoon in fact) but I do want to be polite and the bigger person. The email was heartfelt and sincere... but, IMO, lacked evidence of any real IC type work. I've already called her every name in the book and now I'm starting to find my happiness again.

Any thoughts on how to reply?

Side note, I will have to see her at least one more time since a couple of our boxes got mixed up when I moved out.


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

wiigirl said:


> I keep thinking of what my dad always said "Life is not fair". I have accepted it and I am much happier.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you my sister?


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Labcoat said:


> Argh!
> 
> Just got an "I wish you wre here with me" email from the xWF. She was describing things she was doing and how there was a layer of sadness b/c she kept thinking about things I would also enjoy over there jokes I would make etc. She also mentioned how I would be able to handle some stressful situation she and her friend found herself in as evidence of how she even thinks of me in the "hard times."
> 
> ...


I wouldn't be nice but that's me. I'd send what you wrote. Maybe something meaner, considering what she did to you. She's got a lot of nerve rubbing that trip in your face (that's how I see it).

Sometimes being polite is overrated.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Labcoat said:


> Argh!
> 
> Just got an "I wish you wre here with me" email from the xWF. She was describing things she was doing and how there was a layer of sadness b/c she kept thinking about things I would also enjoy over there jokes I would make etc. She also mentioned how I would be able to handle some stressful situation she and her friend found herself in as evidence of how she even thinks of me in the "hard times."
> 
> ...


Ignore her. Or just a minimal acknowledgement. She is fishing for responses and looking to starting a dialogue


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> So I log on to FB and see that my xWF has decided to take a European this week. I’m absolutely livid.


Don't be livid! The weather here in Europe is s**t.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Labcoat said:


> Argh!
> 
> Just got an "I wish you wre here with me" email from the xWF. She was describing things she was doing and how there was a layer of sadness b/c she kept thinking about things I would also enjoy over there jokes I would make etc. She also mentioned how I would be able to handle some stressful situation she and her friend found herself in as evidence of how she even thinks of me in the "hard times."
> 
> ...


Send her a reply. What to say?

"Thank you for your communication. However, the person here who actually gives a damn, is not here right now."

"Thank you. However, that boat sailed when you had sex with xxx in that hotel room."

Or just: "Thanks."


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

No need to respond. Cut her off from all commo.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Why haven't you blocked her yet? 

Restricting communication to emails and phone calls in case of emergencies( regarding the kids ) should be the limit.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

When you have to exchange those boxes just silence smile and off you go no emotion.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Someone who deserves your attention, deserves your response. Has she proven herself unworthy of attention......?

Let her be happy, alone


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'd change my number and cancel that email address. She should be getting a line disconnected or email bounce when she throwsjunk at you.

When you a dumping a cheater out of your life, the best thing to do is just cut them completely and forever out. As if they never existed or had died.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Labcoat said:


> Argh!
> 
> Just got an "I wish you wre here with me" email from the xWF. She was describing things she was doing and how there was a layer of sadness b/c she kept thinking about things I would also enjoy over there jokes I would make etc. She also mentioned how I would be able to handle some stressful situation she and her friend found herself in as evidence of how she even thinks of me in the "hard times."
> 
> ...


Lab,

Do not respond. Punch yourself in the balls to remind yourself what she did to you.

Keep dating and go to Ireland.

Have a good time, plenty of beauties there too.

And by the way, screw the exf. She missed what she had be cause she screwed up. Not you.

Never settle Lab!!!

HM64


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Tell her thats too bad, but your going to Ireland in a few, is she going to be free? Better not thats just mean. Just put it on your facebook.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Ignore her. Don't answer. Stay dark.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

Cdelta02 said:


> Lab,
> You mean so that you are not in the same place with her at the same time? That means you are checking on here whereabouts pretty regularly. :scratchhead:


Not at all. The FB newsfeed features the updates of people with whom yuo've interacted the most. After a few years of constantly "liking" eachothers statuses, as a normal couple might do, FB prioritizes her updates in my feed... along with my best friends, co-workers and family.

Algorithms aren't typically written to be empathetic or even emotionally perceptive.

That said I've figured out how to supress her updates without her knowing and getting the drama-high that I now think she's looking for.


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

Kasler said:


> Being a beta in divorce proceedings is never smart...


No divorce to be had, our wedding was to be at the end of this month. I already decided against R months ago. I knew I wasn't going to let it go, I had lost all respect for her and I just found myself hating her.

I also realized the irony of R with her. She would never fully respect me as she once might have nor ever really confront the real issues behind her actions. The email I referenced later in this thread shows me that even still, she doesn't get IT.

But I do really appreciate the sentiments all the same and largely agree. I'm just not in the stage-5-betrayed-beta-male crisis mode I was in, say, six months ago. I just need to vent and this place is a lot cheaper than my shrink.


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

dscl said:


> Count yourself lucky that if it had to happen it did BEFORE you married her.


I know, I know. It didn't come easy, but after spending time reading about this--and specifically here--I realize that now.

I'm actually starting to be in my mid 30s without any serious commitments. Even though I've got this huge scar, it seems a lot better out there for me than it was the last time I was single (late 20s).


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

So thanks everyone for the input on whether or not I should reply to the "I love you and wish you were here" email that I recieved from her. The responses seemed to be...

Ignore it outright
A short, unemotional, "Thanks"
Unleash the rage
Someone else wisely pointed out that she was fishing for a dialog. Meanwhile, IRL, a friend of mine pointed out that she really seemed to love drama. So, whether a genuine (but poor) attempt by her to try to R again or just to piss me off, I think she's fishing for drama. that's why it seems like option 2 is the way to go. With her, ignoring her would be just as dramatic as writing 12 paragraphs in response.

Changing my email and phone number is not going to happen. In this day-and-age and in my line of work, that's like changing your name and leaving the country. I'm not going to make it harder for potential business opportunities to find me just because my ex-fiance is bothering me... that's just silly.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

I beg to differ. Ignoring her would not be as dramatic as writing 12 paragraphs.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Drama queens need regular feeding.

Starve her to death.

In a day or so she will be wondering if you got the message. She may even resend it. You may have friends contacting you because she is worried you are dead since you didn't respond. When she finds out you breathe...your indirect, passive revenge begins!

Enjoy!


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I think you need to step back and remember the guy you used be. You were pretty smart and going places, you made yourself laugh while you were driving to work, you would try new things and go to new places. The person you are NOW is not like the other guy. You have been hit by the bus of life and it sucks, but you are a hell of alot better off than most of the posters here. Pick yourself up, brush off that woman and start enjoying your life again. You do not need to judge yourself by how many women you date, you need to judge yourself by the man you want to become. Just my 2 cents.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Labcoat said:


> So thanks everyone for the input on whether or not I should reply to the "I love you and wish you were here" email that I recieved from her. The responses seemed to be...
> 
> Ignore it outright
> A short, unemotional, "Thanks"
> ...


Absolutely NOT. 
I think ignoring her would be the best thing. She doesn't even deserve for you to take the effort to write those words and click 'reply'. 

She was fishing for drama and if you say 'thanks' it's the same as saying 'thanks for the drama you're fishing'. 

Is it me or I think deep down inside of you, it's hard to let her go and you're finding excuses to talk to her.
If you reply with 'thanks' she will write you again ... and what will you do? Reply again? Will it be an ongoing conversation? That's the importance you're giving her?


Do not feed her.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

She sounds like a loser. Living well is the best revenge. Ignore her stupidity. She must not be happy with bf if she's thinking about you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Is it me or I think deep down inside of you, it's hard to let her go and you're finding excuses to talk to her.


Sigh...

If I _want_ to talk to her, it's certainly not anything I'm conscious of. In my conscious mind, I have no desire to talk to her other than to a) minimize drama down the road, or b) stay on the high road.

Maybe that's all bull****. Maybe deep down I still feel like I need to keep the lines open. And I have no idea why I would. None at this point... I should think about that.

Thanks for getting me to consider that.

BTW, I haven't sent any response yet.


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> She must not be happy with bf if she's thinking about you.


God, I *wish* she was over there with some guy, but she's not. If that were the case, this wouldn't be a question... and I might even threaten to expose in that case.

"Dude, you're new GF, my ex-fiance, is bad news and here's the email to prove it."

LOL.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Labcoat said:


> No divorce to be had, our wedding was to be at the end of this month. I already decided against R months ago. I knew I wasn't going to let it go, I had lost all respect for her and I just found myself hating her.
> 
> I also realized the irony of R with her. She would never fully respect me as she once might have nor ever really confront the real issues behind her actions. The email I referenced later in this thread shows me *that even still, she doesn't get IT*.
> Of course she get´s it..That email was merely, a fishing expedition.
> ...


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Don't contact her. Let her be the one to worry over the email. Replying in any shape or form no matter how you phrase it or sell it to yourself in your head, replying to her shows her that you still care.

Why give her such a petty victory? If you say nothing then you don't care, and she'll know that.


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