# Talking with my wife about intimacy



## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

I've posted previous threads about the problems with my relationship with my wife. 

I'm taking her out to lunch today to have a sit down discussion outside the home. Trying to figure out how to start the conversation.

Brief background: very little intimacy and sex, married 28 yrs, empty nesters now, no common interests, have separate hobbies and are apparently of little interest to the other person, sex is very one sided. I do all the foreplay, little response from her. No non-sexual touching and no sexual touching from her. She tends to avoid kissing and caressing. She has no interest in really participating in lovemaking. She is low libido and I am high libido. She has refused to go to counseling. I've gone. But, without feedback from her, the counseling has been pretty much a waste of time.

At Christmas time, our son was home from college. He was moody and my wife asked him about it. He said he was worried we were going to get a divorce. She told him that we had problems we were working through. She shared that with me. I told her that we definitely have problems and we need to work on them. She said that 2012 will be better. But, a month has gone by and nothing has really changed.

So, i plan on sitting down with her today at lunch to discuss. I'm thinking of starting with the earlier conversation and her saying she wants to make 2012 better and telling her that i feel we haven't really done anything to make it better. I will tell her i love her and that we need to improve our relationship as what we have now is more like roommates. I've put together a list of topics for us to discuss and me get feedback from her. 

Thoughts?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Menopause really lowers the libido in a lot of women. This does and not being emotionally connected to one another. Communicating your needs to her is great, but I'm sure she will have needs to be met as well. 

My husband and I are very open and communicate well, except in the sex department. He is the quiet one there. He is very polite and does not want to come off as pushy. If your wife went through or is going through menopause, she may need to see her doctor for supplements. I'm not even sure they give them out anymore.

Good luck. I do hope she comes through and tries meeting your needs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Best of luck. Be honest and bring up counseling. Be a man and don't use the words intimacy & lovemaking, makes you look less in her eyes. Just tell her the truth, that the lack of sex is a one sided decision you had no say in and what she feels about it and why.

Tell her it is unacceptable and promises are empty. 

Of course then ook at yourself and what part you may have played. 28 years is a long time to then bring up over lunch.


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## nightshift (Feb 4, 2012)

From a mother's perspective, if I knew my son was upset by what he was seeing in my marriage, I would do everything I could to ease that for him. Counseling would be the first thing - to determine what I did and didn't want from my spouse, what I needed to change, etc. Seeing my child hurt would be all the motivation I would need. Maybe your wife would respond to that type of conversation?


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> Best of luck. Be honest and bring up counseling. Be a man and don't use the words intimacy & lovemaking, makes you look less in her eyes. Just tell her the truth, that the lack of sex is a one sided decision you had no say in and what she feels about it and why.
> 
> Tell her it is unacceptable and promises are empty.
> 
> Of course then ook at yourself and what part you may have played. 28 years is a long time to then bring up over lunch.


We have talked in the past and she has given little feedback. Answers like "I don't know" from her are very frustrating. 

I've given more complete background info in other threads. As many here have experienced, constant rejection tends to make you eventually not want to even try. I had some health issues that affected me physically and emotionally. But, due to the slow progression, I didn't realize it. Fortunately, the health issues are completely behind me. I'm in shape (lost a significant amount of weight and gained muscle), my diabetes is in control and I no longer need cholesterol medicine. I workout 5 days a week to stay in shape.

She has had some health problems with allergies that can be quite dibilitating. I've been patient with her during those allergy times. But, it seems she would rather suffer than seek medical help. And of course, when she is having bad allergies, any thoughts of sex go out the door. She just started working out. But, hasn't gotten into a regular routine yet.


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## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

Txhunter 

How was the talk?


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

A beginning. She thought things were getting better. i told her that they really weren't. She thought she was participating. We didn't get through my list of topics. Will continue through the list this week. I talked about the need for counseling. She said she would think about it. i will insist on it. Typically, when she says "I'll think about it" or "Maybe", that usually means no for her.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Could tell from the other thread that it probably didn't go too well. Sorry. 

I guess my question is that this is a 28 year marriage. How can this change?


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> Could tell from the other thread that it probably didn't go too well. Sorry.
> 
> I guess my question is that this is a 28 year marriage. How can this change?


I need to shake it up. Clearly, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is insane.

She is hanging on to some ideas about sex that are just not correct. But, are what she was taught (see my thread on "Good Girls Don't").

I have clearly told her that I love her but am not happy with the way things are right now. She thinks she has changed to make things better. But, her perception and mine are different.

Are we making progress, I think so. But, it is a very slow process. No, "light bulb blinks on" moments. 

I've already done a lot of things to help me out. I'm in shape, and have good health. I workout regularly and have my own hobbies. She is starting to work on things for her. She just started working out but is not consistent at it yet. I think she is starting to watch what she eats to try to lose weight too. 

When we talked, she seemed open to work on some things but clearly closed minded on other things. Still have more topics to discuss.


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