# My wife is consumed by her AA group



## hollowman1

Don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic my wife got into a program and has been clean and sober for the past 2 years but I am angry and feel betrayed by the results. I have been behind her and supportive unconditionally and given her time and space to work her program and interact with her support group, occasionally attending meetings with her and being there to celebrate her one year anniversary. The program has taken its toll on our relationship however. She has been attending more meetings recently and even though they start at 6 or 7, she doesn't get home till 10 or 11. She didn't even bother to tell me when her 2 year anniversary was and attended that milestone meeting without me. She recently became a sponsor (and is very effective and committed in that role) but the friction stems from the fact that even when she is home, she's texting her sponsor/sponsee and generally isolating herself from me and our daughter. When we had a recent fight and I expressed my feelings of neglect and isolation, she suggested we "make time" just for us which i thought was a good sign. The very next day however, she told me she was taking on another sponsee and my jaw hit the floor. Going from one meeting a week to 3 or 4 and wanting to take on a second sponsee when the one she already has takes up most of the time she could be spending with us when she's not working or at a meeting, makes me feel that her family is no longer a factor in her decisions. 

Hollow Man


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## kristin2349

This seems to be a very common thing. A very close friend of mine is in GA and he goes to meetings almost every day. It is his new addiction, he even goes to a Gay GA sub group.

Are you in Al Anon? You might find some support there. I think when they are new to it there is a level of the healthy behavior sort of replacing the addiction. It feels safe and they need to occupy their time as much as possible with people they feel "get" them and their problems.

It is difficult to be on the support end for an addict. Maybe MC would help you both work on your relationship. It is going to be different now that she is sober, some help for you both with this change couldn't hurt.


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## GusPolinski

*cough* Affair


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## SecondTime'Round

I don't think it necessarily means an affair, although it can't be ruled out.

People who are in AA are addicts. They become addicted to the meetings/relationships/support in lieu of alcohol or drug. They may not be doing drugs or alcohol anymore, but they still need that something that acts as their crutch so they don't have to be alone with whatever thoughts/emotions made them want to drink in the first place.

I've only known one person who was in AA, but while she was in it.....it completely consumed her life.


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## SecondTime'Round

Oh wow! I can post now without quoting!! (Sorry, just realized I didn't quote, and was able to post....whatever glitch was going on must have resolved itself.)


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## soccermom2three

SecondTime'Round said:


> I don't think it necessarily means an affair, although it can't be ruled out.
> 
> People who are in AA are addicts. They become addicted to the meetings/relationships/support in lieu of alcohol or drug. They may not be doing drugs or alcohol anymore, but they still need that something that acts as their crutch so they don't have to be alone with whatever thoughts/emotions made them want to drink in the first place.
> 
> I've only known one person who was in AA, but while she was in it.....it completely consumed her life.


I agree. It's like they just switch addictions. Some become religious zealots or some like the OP's wife become addicted to their recovery program. 

OP, has your wife done any individual counseling to find out the whys of her addictive behavior?


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## SecondTime'Round

soccermom2three said:


> I agree. * It's like they just switch addictions. *Some become religious zealots or some like the OP's wife become addicted to their recovery program.
> 
> OP, has your wife done any individual counseling to find out the whys of her addictive behavior?


Yep!


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## tom67

If the person she is sponsoring not a female, you have big trouble.

Go through the phone records now.

Get a voice activated recorder for her car and house and get some answers.


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## Decorum

Yep I have seen it more than once, she talks personally with a guy in treatment, they connect and cheat. You have a bigger problem than you think.

Are you interested in knowing how you should proceed?


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## Ms. GP

First of all, I would like to state that I am an alcoholic/ addict and have been in recovery for about 2 and 1/2 years. So you know where I am coming from. It sounds to me like your wife is actually working a very HEALTHY program of recovery. Three or four meetings a week is not that much people!! They only last an hour. I would ,however, discuss with her why it takes her so long to get home. I wouldn't worry about the number of sponsees either. 90% of them don't call back after the first week. I myself, have three sponsees, but I only hear from one on a regular basis.

The codependent/addict relationship is a hard one to heal. Perhaps, a hobby or support group of your own would help. My husband coaches our son's baseball and football team and I think that is a good outlet for him. Food for thought.. perhaps a healthy/non needy partner often times looks cold and aloof to the untreated codependent.


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## lancaster

GusPolinski said:


> *cough* Affair


Cough, rubbish. I have spent 20 years in AA. It is one of the less likely places for an affair to brew. What has happened here, and it happened to me, is that OPs wife has allowed herself to become consumed by AA. OPs wife will eventually find balance if she works a good program and has a decent sponsor who will guide her.

OP you better be going to ALANON, take your daughter with you. If you are not going to ALANON your as big a part of the issue as your wife is. They will teach you how to work with this situation in an appropriate manner. But he way when you go get yourself a sponsor and work the program.


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## lancaster

Decorum said:


> Yep I have seen it more than once, she talks personally with a guy in treatment, they connect and cheat. You have a bigger problem than you think.
> 
> Are you interested in knowing how you should proceed?


AA is not treatment, not even close.


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## Ms. GP

If this woman had a muscle wasting disease and had to spend 3 or four hours in the gym every week, she would be applauded for her strength and commitment to managing her disease. Addiction is a terminal disease just like any other disease and has to be managed for the rest of one's life. 

I'm not saying there's not room for compromise in this situation, but this is part of the stigma people in recovery face every day.


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## hollowman1

Hi, OP here. Wow. I didn't realize what a can of worms i opened here. So many opinions across the board and i appreciate them all. I want to be the "glass half full" optimist and believe all is well and that i have just mind f**ked myself into a paranoid state of suspicion by surfing the net too much but the changes in her behavior have been recent and sudden. 1 meeting a week is all she's attended for most of her recovery and then the sudden jump, the strange hours, and the desire to take on more group responsibilities (a second sponsee, attending the business meetings). 

There's been no life turmoil that might lead to relapse that she's shared with me and I've been very careful about avoiding triggers at home (i do drink socially but don't keep alcohol in the house, stay out late, or come home drunk). I don't even record some of my favorite TV shows because of frequent drug/alcohol references. I've told here i'd come with her to meetings (its an open group format) or look at a support group like Al-Anon but she says it's not critical to her recovery (and in some ways, I'm very dubious of the insular nature of the 12 step approach for obvious reasons). She even told me she would't mind if i had a glass of wine with dinner at home but even i know the potential pitfall of flaunting that trigger. The decision to keep the house booze free was mine as was my decision to give away all our bar-ware, martini glasses and anything else that was a reminder of that former lifestyle. 

Her sponsor is female BTW as is her new sponsee so I'm not worried about that. I guess my ultimate question is (and let's take the glass half full assumption that she's not having an affair) how do we become spouses again and not just 2 people who share a house with a child who wonders why mommy and daddy sleep in different rooms. (Oh, BTW, the sex stopped 6 months ago too and her reason for sleeping in the guest room is my snoring, which is actually believable). 

As i read my own words here, i realize I'm in my own form of denial and probably the poster child for a sucker but let's put on our rose tinted glasses for a moment, assume the situation can be salvaged, and address the question that stems from the comments of several respondents. If it's not uncommon for one addiction to be traded for another, (in this case booze for AA), why stop there? What can we do for our loved ones to get them to trade in (or at least share) their new addiction for yet another, a burning addiction to be with the people who love them? 

Hollow man


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## GusPolinski

lancaster said:


> Cough, rubbish. I have spent 20 years in AA. It is one of the less likely places for an affair to brew.


LOL. Sure. Seems legit.

I'm sure everything is on the up and up.


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## the guy

It's kind of a long post and it may have been answered but I'll ask any way....how's the sex life?

And...has she shown any other signs of cheating like dressing sexier, keeping her cell closer, and drinking....

I mean it would me a huge red flag that your old lady be going to AA and still drink.....It's like telling a spouse that one is going shopping and not bringing anything back from the store.

Any way if you are familiar with the red flags of infidelity and you have enough red flags to justify an investigation...then do it...you owe it to your self in preventing from getting emotionally ribbed off, betrayed, and stabbed in the back by some one you plan to trust again.


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## the guy

I mean you are losing your wife, the kid is losing her mother....it may be time to ask for some help in how to find the real reason this is happening by getting the facts for your self instead of asking your old lady.

At least you can get the real information that will give you the correct ammo in fighting for your family.

Think about it...you truly don't know what you are dealing with do you...again don't you think its time to find out?

And hey...I'm all for privacy but if my old lady started this kind of shyt I would be all over the spy gear store picking up all kinds of shyt. The way I see it, at the very least sneak off with her cell when she is a sleep and check the bills. (ie.cell phone log and cc statements) and ya ...this is at the very least.

In short go get a VAR!!!!


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## tom67

GusPolinski said:


> LOL. Sure. Seems legit.
> 
> I'm sure everything is on the up and up.


It's called 13 stepping.:surprise:
It happens.


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## bandit.45

tom67 said:


> It's called 13 stepping.:surprise:
> It happens.



I have been involved in AA for thirteen years. I am a group facilitator and I conduct two to three meetings a week. I am sponsoring three men right now...one fresh out of rehab. 

I do not spend a third of the amount of time with these guys that the OP says his wife does.

OP, why is your wife attending a coed group? She should only be attending a women's' group. 

She should only be sponsored by a woman and sponsoring women only.

There is something very wrong with the amount of time she is spending on her texting. I would venture to bet she is at least having an EA with someone in her group. I'm not surprised being that it is a coed group. It happens a lot. Lots of cheating in AA. I have witnessed it. AA is just like church in that respect.


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## lifeistooshort

Ms. GP said:


> If this woman had a muscle wasting disease and had to spend 3 or four hours in the gym every week, she would be applauded for her strength and commitment to managing her disease. Addiction is a terminal disease just like any other disease and has to be managed for the rest of one's life.
> 
> I'm not saying there's not room for compromise in this situation, but this is part of the stigma people in recovery face every day.


Naw, plenty here on TAM would see an affair there too. They pretty much see affairs in everything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ms. GP

I'm not saying that some things don't add up and don't need to be addressed. Not at all! Four hours away from home to go to a one hour meeting, the no sex for six months, constant texting with the sponsee, and sleeping in seperate beds needs to be addressed. The point of contention with me was I don't think going to three meetings a week and having two sponsees at two years sober is trading one addiction for another.

I,myself, go to three meeting a week. I'm only gone for an hour and a half when I do go. I also have three sponsees. I don't hear from two of them on a regular basis,and the other calls mabye three times a week for about 10 minutes at a time. I try to schedule everything around my family as much as I can, but it can be difficult at times. I think if I were going to church 3 times a week, no one would bat an eyelash, especially in the Bible belt where I live.  

Also I really think the OP would really benefit reading some books on codependency and the alanon program. His posts reek of codependency. Removing all triggers and making life as easy as possible for the recovering person is completely unnecessary and impossible. Alcohol is sold in almost every gas station and grocery store in the country. We learn to deal with that stuff rather quickly. The best thing a person can do to support a recovering spouse is to get healthy themselves and let them work their program. (Within reason of course)


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## Decorum

lancaster said:


> AA is not treatment, not even close.


Your being a bit pedantic there but I acquiesce to you sensibilities.

The larger point is I have seen it on here several times where individuals seeking "help" (layman's term there) have found an affair partner in the group.
@Ms. GP , I have followed your story here and I have a lot of respect for what you have done. It is helpful to get your perspective on the number of meetings and such.

I am in over my head here so I will bow out, the Op has his eyes open and that whats matters.

Thank you Ms. GP for your insight.

Op I really wish you well,
Take care!


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## lancaster

GusPolinski said:


> LOL. Sure. Seems legit.
> 
> I'm sure everything is on the up and up.


If you have spent time around AA, and I doubt that you have, you would know. Of course there are no guarantees in life. But the chances that OPs wife is having an affair with an AA member while her sponsor knows is pretty slim. 

It is not at all uncommon for AA members to hangout after a meeting. I used to it a lot. We would all stand around talking for hours, or go have coffee or whatever.


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## bandit.45

lancaster said:


> If you have spent time around AA, and I doubt that you have, you would know. Of course there are no guarantees in life. But the chances that OPs wife is having an affair with an AA member while her sponsor knows is pretty slim.
> 
> It is not at all uncommon for AA members to hangout after a meeting. I used to it a lot. We would all stand around talking for hours, or go have coffee or whatever.


My experience has been that when you have a bunch of emotionally vulnerable, damaged people leaning on each other, it is an atmosphere ripe for affairs to occur. 

That is why I am against coed AA groups. I don't attend them and I do not recommend them to any alcoholic asking about joining.


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## tom67

Jsmart any update?


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## HuggyBear

lancaster said:


> It is not at all uncommon for AA members to hangout after a meeting. I used to it a lot. We would all stand around talking for hours, or go have coffee or whatever.


A long time ago, I got busted for weed, and the judge "sentenced" me to AA, because, well.. there is no such thing as a "marijuana addiction treatment" (I had to go to a 21 week DUI program, too, despite that the arrest had nothing to do with driving or a car - I could tell a lot of stories about that), and I saw what went on...

It's strange that after hanging out at an AA meeting and drinking five or six cups of coffee at the meeting, the only ones who are "going out to have (MOAR!?!?) coffee and chat" are ALWAYS opposite sex.

Where I lived (a small town) there were AA meetings during lunch time that people could attend. There were also other AA meetings at different places within a short drive... maybe your wife could change up a bit. Sponsors DO NOT have to go to the same meetings with their "charges". I'm sure you could help her into some of these other meetings. Surprise her, and see if "the stuff" starts to blow up or burn... it would be a pretty good sign that "something" is wrong.


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## jsmart

OP hasn't come back but there is no doubt that she has abandoned the marriage. I don't understand people that let things slide for so long without fighting for themselves. Too many people, especially men, are so timid. Afraid of being called controlling. OP needs to get proof of what she's up to and decide if he wants to fight for his wife and mother of his kid or just D and co-parent. Personally, I'd go the ladder route.


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## ConanHub

No sex for six months, separate bedrooms, 3-4 hours gone each meeting, texting all the time.

Affair.

OP. How do you know your wife is sponsoring females? Have you met them?

Surprise your wife and show up at a meeting or better yet, follow her after the meeting to see who she is spending her time with and where.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stevehowefan

I was a pillhead for about five years. I gradually replaced the need for pills with exercise. It's my outlet now instead of pills. I suffered from PTSD and physical pain from IEDs in Iraq. I say all of that to say this: it is possible that she is replacing the need for alcohol with the need to be accepted by those who've been where she was; ergo, she has replaced one addiction with another. It happened to me. But as others have mentioned, a lot of the other stuff doesn't add up. Either way, rather it's an affair or a replaced addiction, she has checked out, broseph.


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## JohnA

All good thoughts. She is trying to do right by her family by getting right with herself.
"for better or worse" right?

One caution; is she a dry drunk ? Also known as a drama queen.
These people do exist within AA the expression is wet or dry they are a drunk.

These people are the worse . First hand experience with ex AP.


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## JohnA

Sorry to clarify exw AP


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