# How does it feel to be in the sexless position?



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

I've been married more than once, but mostly married or in long term relationships since I was 19. I'm 41 years old now. From 19-35 I could get sex just about whenever I wanted with my relationship partner. So I had no problem, and I had opportunites around me in life. It wasn't a big deal to me.

However, I could see the guys around me who weren't getting it, or appeared to not be getting it. They were usually strained, overly careful, kinda looked like they were starving, you just KNEW they weren't having an abundance or even descent quantity of sex.

I didn't look down on them, but now I wonder what came first? The chicken or the egg? Were these guys always sexless, and then starved down by a bait and switch tactic performed by an LD? Were they heavily sexxed, and let their single game drop after becoming a responsible husband and the sex dropped along with it, and some of them came not to care anymore?

I don't know. But I've been around 1,000 days without sexual PIV penetration. Had oral a couple of times from my current GF, some hand jobs, a couple of cuddles... I get that strained feeling too. I must look almost the same as these other guys?

Anyway, I just wanted to say to an LD spouse, husband or wife...

What if your spouse felt like one of the only ones in her space, who wasn't recieving even a "normal" quantity of love and affection? What if it was apparent to everyone around them, that they recieved NONE? And they were looked at in less of a light because of it?

Is this what you really want to do to them?


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

I doubt that a genuinely LD spouse "wants" to hurt or deprive their other half. They just don't understand the problem.

I was deprived of all sex for 3 1/2 years and I don't think my husband had the vaguest clue how frustrating it is.

Now, I am not sure that it was patently obvious to all concerned that I was not getting any, but it certainly sucked royally when a 78 year old friend of mine started telling me about her sex life and I, in my mid forties, had none at all.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> I doubt that a genuinely LD spouse "wants" to hurt or deprive their other half. They just don't understand the problem.
> 
> I was deprived of all sex for 3 1/2 years and I don't think my husband had the vaguest clue how frustrating it is.
> 
> Now, I am not sure that it was patently obvious to all concerned that I was not getting any, but it certainly sucked royally when a 78 year old friend of mine started telling me about her sex life and I, in my mid forties, had none at all.


As a male. I look down at my penis, and it's only function is to urinate. My sexual drive has been diminished and stripped by my previous marriage, where my heart was broken and I was rejected over and over and over again. Not crying about that today, in a new situation.

Then I get to learn first hand that a lack of use it will atrophy a bit, not tons, but noticeable. I know when it starts back up, it will regain what it was.

But to look down at your privates and to know they have no other fuction other than to urinate, does not feel good at all. Feels emasculating, like half a man.

I didn't know womens mentality are affect just as much, through neglect or LD situations. When you think about it, with 50% of cheating men, the wifes in at least one half of those situations are being sex starved, at least by their husband.

When my sexuality is being taken care of, my entire life is much richer. I've tried all the mind tricks, being strong, etc, working on my body, confidence, etc - but the sad fact remains, is that I am 41 and not getting any sex, while all those around me ARE!

It drops you down a peg or two.

But the kicker is we will all get it back, and will never tolerate this position again.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

The real deal is that no one "puts" anyone else in a sexless position. If you are in one, it is because you are choosing to be in one.

I know that sounds harsh and like it doesn't account for all the ways people "try" to get back to a sexual routine in their marriages.

But the fact remains, if you are in a sexless position, you put yourself into it and every moment you are still in it, you are choosing to stay in it.

This is sometimes only obvious after you finally leave it.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> The real deal is that no one "puts" anyone else in a sexless position. If you are in one, it is because you are choosing to be in one.
> 
> I know that sounds harsh and like it doesn't account for all the ways people "try" to get back to a sexual routine in their marriages.
> 
> ...


If you are in a committed relationship, and the spouse is not performing sexual intercourse with you, what are you going to do? Take it? Go outside?

I know those are choices.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

treyvion said:


> I've been married more than once, but mostly married or in long term relationships since I was 19. I'm 41 years old now. From 19-35 I could get sex just about whenever I wanted with my relationship partner. So I had no problem, and I had opportunites around me in life. It wasn't a big deal to me.
> 
> However, I could see the guys around me who weren't getting it, or appeared to not be getting it. They were usually strained, overly careful, kinda looked like they were starving, you just KNEW they weren't having an abundance or even descent quantity of sex.
> 
> ...


I sure hope your having the big talk with this GF.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

If sex is important to you, you will leave.

Not until after trying to make it work...but how long you try and what you try is different in each sitch.

If sex isn't that important to you, you'll stay and accept the situation. If it is, you'll leave. It really is that easy.

But again, no one is holding a gun to anyone's head. No one "has" to stay married.

I will never again be in a relationship without satisfying sex, and I don't feel bad for saying this. It just is what it is, and there really isn't anyone to blame except MYSELF if I did end up staying in a situation that sucked for me.

So many posters want to be angry about their situation, want to shake their fists at the sky and claim to be "duped" into being where they are at. Yet they can clearly describe every step they took toward being sexless, and can clearly describe the reasons they are staying in it....clearly one hasn't been duped when they saw it for what it was every step of the way.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

treyvion said:


> If you are in a committed relationship, and the spouse is not performing sexual intercourse with you, what are you going to do? Take it? Go outside?
> 
> I know those are choices.


You forgot divorce. That's the 3rd choice.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> If sex is important to you, you will leave.
> 
> Not until after trying to make it work...but how long you try and what you try is different in each sitch.
> 
> ...


Agree.

I agree with personal responsibility of any "position" you remain in.


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

A sex-starved person feels dejected, angry, and lonely. My wife would have sex, but she didn't want to do it. She only satisfied the carnal part of sex. She did nothing to assuage my emotional side. She never flirted with me, never kissed me, never touched me, never told me she appreciated me, never even so much as gave me a reassuring glance. We would argue and fight over it about once every three months. It was the only thing we argued about. I felt like her roommate. I was finally in a position where I wasn't going to take it anymore. She woke up. Since that night late in January, things have gotten much better. We have:

Had sex two nights in a row for the first time in at least six years.

She has initiated on more than one occasion, even going as far as to wake me up one night to do it.

Touched me more, to include hugging and kissing. Something she didn't really want to do before.

I refuse to divorce her, but she doesn't know that. She thinks I was about to roll out that night. 

Ladies who are LD, want to keep a man's mind from wondering? Want to make a man feel worthy and loved? Want a better partner? Start by giving it up some more. Show interest. And men who are LD, do the exact same thing. Let's start having the sechs a lot more around TAM. Well, with your partners that is.


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

> The real deal is that no one "puts" anyone else in a sexless position. If you are in one, it is because you are choosing to be in one.


I dont agree with this at all. If one's spouse suddenly decides s/he no longer wants sex, then that is the definition of being "put" there. Choosing to be with someone who you already know to be LD is one thing, but having someone withhold from you without any explanation for it other than "I don't know" or "I just don't feel like it" definitely feels like being "put" into the situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"If one's spouse suddenly decides s/he no longer wants sex, then that is the definition of being "put" there."


Nope. Because they have the option to walk away. So by staying, they are choosing. They were not "put" there.


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

Just because you can choose to stay doesn't mean you weren't put there. I can put my cat on his bed. If he chooses to stay there, it doesn't mean I didn't put him there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

treyvion said:


> As a male. I look down at my penis, and it's only function is to urinate.


Wait until your prostate enlarges and even that becomes unwieldy.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

There is no gun to anyone's head in marriage. Like it or not, if you stay, it is your choice. We might like to try to pretend we have no choice because that seems less frustrating, but it isn't true. We always have the choice. Staying is a choice.


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## RaisedGarden (Oct 24, 2012)

I can tell you that I was with a woman for 14 years where she was HD, then as we got close to marriage, and were married, it shriveled up and fell off the earth. I didn't have sex or contact in my last year of marriage at all. It turned out that she was having multiple PA's but that's a conversation for another time. Anyhow, dating again and with a woman who asks for it 3 times a day. It took a little while to get used to that feeling back, but I can tell you when I was going through the drought I was a mess. You start to doubt everything about being a man, and you just start to write off sex as something that was great in the past. Knowing what I know now, If this relationship begins to dwindle like the last, I'm out. Life's too short that.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Cletus said:


> Wait until your prostate enlarges and even that becomes unwieldy.


I got a timeline for being in this position. I may switch back over to screwing everything that I can after long enough time in a sexless position.


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

I was not arguing that staying isn't a choice. I'm arguing your words stating that no one is put into a situation that is not of their choosing. Personally, that statement hit a nerve for me, and I find it a rather insensitive thing to say.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

RaisedGarden said:


> I can tell you that I was with a woman for 14 years where she was HD, then as we got close to marriage, and were married, it shriveled up and fell off the earth. I didn't have sex or contact in my last year of marriage at all. It turned out that she was having multiple PA's but that's a conversation for another time. Anyhow, dating again and with a woman who asks for it 3 times a day. It took a little while to get used to that feeling back, but I can tell you when I was going through the drought I was a mess. You start to doubt everything about being a man, and you just start to write off sex as something that was great in the past. Knowing what I know now, If this relationship begins to dwindle like the last, I'm out. Life's too short that.


Excellent description. So I take it your quality of life overall has improved quite a bit WITH sex reintroduced into your equation.

I hear you about starting to doubt parts of yourself as a man, when the NORM is, is that people tend to have sex.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> The real deal is that no one "puts" anyone else in a sexless position. If you are in one, it is because you are choosing to be in one.


But there's a really big hidden assumption in your statement.

Who's to say that short of paying a prostitute anyone can find a sexual partner?

I'm not being pedantic here. It's not at all clear to me that if I were to take my wares and offer them on the free market that I would be able to improve my situation (which is not sexless, but for the sake of argument...). It's certainly not clear sexually, and it's definitely not even likely otherwise, having a good spouse in most other regards.

So you choose to stay in your current situation, no doubt. But you don't get to choose to have sex unless you're a rapist.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

To ginger-snap: Well, having been divorced, I am speaking from experience. Was me being in a sad, sex starved marriage for years and years before we divorced my husband's fault? Did he make me do that? Did he hold a gun to my head?

Nope. I was choosing to stay, until I choose to leave. Both were my choice. Neither choice was forced on me.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Cletus said: "So you choose to stay in your current situation, no doubt. But you don't get to choose to have sex unless you're a rapist."

Cheating is a choice.

It is fine to decide not to make that choice because you are "above all of that", yet it is still a choice you choose not to make.


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## RaisedGarden (Oct 24, 2012)

treyvion said:


> Excellent description. So I take it your quality of life overall has improved quite a bit WITH sex reintroduced into your equation.
> 
> I hear you about starting to doubt parts of yourself as a man, when the NORM is, is that people tend to have sex.


My quality of life went from a 3 to a 9. the remain 1 is the BS i'm still dealing with the divorce, but hey everything can't be roses. My girlfriend is a kind and generous woman who has been in a mirror relationship to mine. She went years without sex. Let's just say I paid my debt to my LD wife, and I got back my investment back with interest with the new woman. I pray that it lasts, but nothing in life is certain. I also feel more of a man in the last month than in the last 5 years. People are taking notice of me in my life asking what vitamins or workout I am doing. It has been a complete transformation of myself. Sex may be the secret ingredient.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Cletus said: "So you choose to stay in your current situation, no doubt. But you don't get to choose to have sex unless you're a rapist."
> 
> Cheating is a choice.
> 
> It is fine to decide not to make that choice because you are "above all of that", yet it is still a choice you choose not to make.


And what makes you think that I have the ability to make another woman want to cheat with me even were I willing?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

RaisedGarden said:


> My quality of life went from a 3 to a 9. the remain 1 is the BS i'm still dealing with the divorce, but hey everything can't be roses. My girlfriend is a kind and generous woman who has been in a mirror relationship to mine. She went years without sex. Let's just say I paid my debt to my LD wife, and I got back my investment back with interest with the new woman. I pray that it lasts, but nothing in life is certain. I also feel more of a man in the last month than in the last 5 years. People are taking notice of me in my life asking what vitamins or workout I am doing. It has been a complete transformation of myself. Sex may be the secret ingredient.


I believe you. You may have practiced having a better self view of yourself without the sex when you weren't getting it, but its hard.

I know. You look around and it feels like your the only one in your environments sexless.

I know when I'm getting it women want to get some, but when I'm not, I could almost be the last guy on the earth.


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

Faithfulwife- we will have to agree to disagree. If he became the withholder after marriage, then yes, you were indeed put into a position by him to make a choice. The "gun" was accept no sex to stay married to him. You chose to take the bullet and end the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Cletus said: "And what makes you think that I have the ability to make another woman want to cheat with me even were I willing?"

Human nature? Statistics? Why would I assume you don't have that ability?

Look - I'm a sex freak. I know for a fact that sex is going on everywhere, all the time. I also know that if someone is intent on getting laid, they can, it isn't that difficult.

But staying in a sexless marriage and accepting "this is just the way it is" tends to make people not believe they are capable of getting sex at all. It isn't true, but you will tend to believe it while you choose to stay in that type of situation.

It is sometimes easier for a person to believe this than for them to face the pain of what it takes to get divorced, and yeah, I get that.

Still, that doesn't make it true that you aren't f*ckable.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

ginger said: "You chose to take the bullet and end the marriage."

It wasn't a bullet. It was the correct choice. I should have made it much sooner and saved us both a lot of wasted time, tears, energy.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

treyvion said:


> If you are in a committed relationship, and the spouse is not performing sexual intercourse with you, what are you going to do? Take it? Go outside?
> 
> I know those are choices.


After 46 years of marriage, and probably 3 low sex years I took action...Check out my threads from late last year starting with "RANT"

the woodchuck


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

"I never intended to torture you"

That's the words of my wife... 3.5 years in to a sexless marriage.

As for how it feels... mostly normal. 
The hardest part is that of unknowing when it'll fully resolve, luckily for her I'm patient.

The reality is that you have and 85% chance of being "much happier" if you are a married couple with some issue. Time tends to resolve issues.

In my own life I can attest to that.

AS for if it is visible to others... only those I told. Otherwise no apparent effect. You learn to operate with what you have not what you want. Otherwise you go insane.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> I also know that if someone is intent on getting laid, they can, it isn't that difficult.


A woman can get laid in an hour, tops any time. Just go to a bar and make it clear you're looking for that and you're going to get it.

Most guys just can't do that.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

ginger-snap said:


> I was not arguing that staying isn't a choice. I'm arguing your words stating that no one is put into a situation that is not of their choosing. Personally, that statement hit a nerve for me, and I find it a rather insensitive thing to say.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand what you are saying. My H did this to me... suddenly stopped. It took a long time, but I do now agree that it is my fault to let it continue. That's the part of the comment that is missing. 

It happened. You were put in the situation. What you do after that is your responsibility.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

You're all correct. A lot of the times your LD spouse just changes and you're stuck in position where they don't want you in that way. And you do "choose" to stay. But everybody's situation is unique. Sometimes peoples personal circumstances prevent them from leaving. It's easy to just say someone should leave. It's logical. Clinical even. But sometimes there is a driving force keeping you in your miserable existence. Sometimes it's kids. Sometimes it's a property, or money. Sometimes it is fear of ending things. In all cases the choice is ultimately ours. And although we all have a responsibility to make ourselves happy, the marriage "contract" was supposed to include a clause that insured that our spouse would at least attempt to take care of the sexual happiness aspect. When they make a deliberate effort to no longer honor that, it amounts to dishonor of the marriage bond. Yes, the LD spouse should leave. But it's just not that easy.


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## LVF (May 5, 2013)

I'm not in a sexless relation, but we have very very little intimacy and sexual contact for a very young couple.


I don't think my husband has a clue of how it really feels, he thinks I'm exaggerating every time I try to explain that to him. More than the physical need, it makes me feel pretty useless. I always took very good care of myself but as a reaction to his behaviour I'm hitting the gym even harder. I just try to get as tired as possible so that I can't think about how I feel, close my eyes with heavy music and run as fast as I can for as long as I can. But I also end up thinking that if we separate at least I will look in shape for future relationships...I know, it sounds horrible from me, but that was the result of all this mess. 

Everybody around us noticed except him. We go on vacation with other people and they notice and tease him that he doesn't pay enough attention to me (always reading/working/what not) and that I will leave one day/there will be someone waiting to take his place, and he gets grumpy at them for bugging him all the time, says they don't know what they are saying... Of course, I never gave such impression to others, I always pretend it's all fine, but *they do notice AND comment.*



Faithful Wife said:


> The real deal is that no one "puts" anyone else in a sexless position. If you are in one, it is because you are choosing to be in one.
> 
> I know that sounds harsh and like it doesn't account for all the ways people "try" to get back to a sexual routine in their marriages.
> 
> ...


True... but when it involves family, it's pretty sensitive. We don't have children but I feel guilty that I brought him to my extended family and then will simply have to say "hey, he left. next!". I have the somehow stupid fear that nobody in the family will take me seriously in future relationships. I'm still trying to decide what to do though, I just doubt I can change his behaviour and I'm afraid that in a few years I will regret that I stayed in this relationship.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Larry said: "A woman can get laid in an hour, tops any time. Just go to a bar and make it clear you're looking for that and you're going to get it.

Most guys just can't do that." (end quote)


Yes, they can. Many guys just don't think they can do that, but they can.


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## trepez (Jun 5, 2013)

Nothing like pointless BS from lifeless Americans to start a day out! Go shoot yourself, moron! Oh, wait, psych med Mikey will do it to you, no worries!


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

trepez said:


> Nothing like pointless BS from lifeless Americans to start a day out! Go shoot yourself, moron! Oh, wait, psych med Mikey will do it to you, no worries!


Banned in 3.5 seconds...


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## eyuop (Apr 7, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Larry said: "A woman can get laid in an hour, tops any time. Just go to a bar and make it clear you're looking for that and you're going to get it.
> 
> Most guys just can't do that." (end quote)
> 
> ...


Many guys I know try to do this and fail. Quite often. I've never heard of woman failing at this (if she makes it clear that sex is all she is after). It is easier for a woman.

I've also have known several men who could have any woman (or two or three) they wanted in any room they walk into. They were all tall, strong, handsome, confident, full of charisma and charm -- and made pretty good money, too. Alpha all the way, and irresistible to almost any woman who they approached (married or not).


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