# dating during divorce; how it affects custody



## smorgasbord (May 28, 2013)

i was hoping somebody could weigh in on this for me.

i filed for divorce in july (we have been separated off and on since october of last year and not living in the same house), started seeing someone shortly after that. i am not in any kind of grieving or mourning period, i was relieved after finally filing and i mourned the loss of my relationship long before i started the divorce process. i had been in an abusive relationship for almost 3 years by the time i filed and married for 2 of those years.

my STBXH was served in september (he dodged it forEVER) and has still not filed a response or any kind of papers to this day. i filed for default about a week after his deadline to file an answer passed. my hearing date is set for march. he has talked off and on about settling, and every time ultimately decides he wants to make me suffer by dragging me to court and trying to "win." i don't think he has a lawyer (i do) and is mostly using his dad for legal advice.

i can admit that i've been somewhat dumb about seeing my current boyfriend and though all social media accounts we have are set to friends only, my STBXH supposedly has obtained pictures of us together and intends to use that against me in court. is this likely to affect my chances of getting full custody?

it's a short marriage so there is no alimony in play, no property to divide. literally the only thing i care about is custody of our almost 2 year old daughter. i have been her primary care giver since birth. i stayed at home with her for the first year of her life, worked part time after that, and i got a full time job in june and have been working full time since then. my mother watches her during the day while i'm at work. my STBXH has been unemployed for most of our relationship and unable to keep a job for very long. when he was still living in the same town, he did not see her on a regular schedule despite my attempts to get him to do so, and would try to schedule last-minute visits for a couple hours or so in the hopes that i would tell him no so he would be able to say i was denying him visitation.

he still maintains that i am alienating him from her and that i refuse to let him see her and i honestly have no idea where he's getting that. there have been no more than a handful of times where i have flatout refused to let him see her. one of those times was when he tried to take her out of my house by force and then called the cops on me, the other few were when he called last minute and we were busy or he made me feel as though he were a flight risk.

he moved 3 hours south of us last month and wants her every other weekend, but wants me to meet him halfway. i asked him when he wanted that schedule to start, and he said "not for a while." that was a couple weeks ago, now as of today i apparently am not letting him see her? i should also add that he hasn't helped financially with her at all. i have not seen one red cent from him and have been doing this on my own for a long time now.

my boyfriend does come around my daughter fairly often and i have allowed it because he is incredibly good with her, he has helped me out with winter clothing and christmas presents for her (more than i can say for her dad), and because she is young enough that there is no emotional distress that she would suffer from seeing someone other than her dad with me. her dad has been in and out of her life since she was 9 months old and she is quite used to him not being around. she doesn't ask about him or mention him unless someone else brings him up. essentially she isn't really bothered by the lack of his presence.

am i going to be penalized for having another man around my daughter? on the one hand i can see why, in general, it's frowned upon. and if i had an older child who was used to mom and dad being together and would be confused by somebody else being around, i would be doing things differently. but i'm hoping that the actual particulars of my situation will be looked at and not just that i'm seeing somebody while still technically married.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

you are technically married but you have filed for divorce. 

In some states, once you file you are free to date, it's not adultery. In other states it is. Each states has it's own rules.

So if we knew what state you live in, then we might be able to help you get some info.

I do suggest that you document all contact with him. Keep a hand written journal of all contact and what was discussed. Try to keep communications via email and text. These can be shown in court to prove that he's being a flake and you are not withholding your child.

If you live in a one party state, record all phone calls with him. 

If you are around him, have a VAR (voice activated recorder) on you so that you have a record of what is said.

How well do you know this guy you are dating? How long have you known him.

I'm sorry to bring this up, but one of the most important reasons to not bring unrelated men around a child until you have dated them for a long time is for your child's safety. 

Children are 50 times more likely to be physically abused (as in beaten, burned, etc) by their mother's boyfriend they are in a home with their two parents.

They are 11 times more likely to be to be sexually abused by the mother's boyfriend.

This is the major concern for having a boyfriend around a young child.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

It may depend on where you live. You need your lawyer's advice on this. Even though your technically married, it is only a piece of paper. Your relationship with your husband has ended, and you can't stall life forever. There are stories on here of divorce going on for 2 or 3 years. Be smart about it, and don't introduce any guy too soon. If he is talking abusive towards you, or texting stupid sh1t, record everything. If you really want to get to him, act like he doesn't exist. Abusive people need that power over others. All this bs that he is pulling, is a way to get to you. Be calm, cool, and collective. that should be your mantra. Play everything smart, and become an enigma to him. Show that he is insignificant, and you might be able to record him saying something threatening or doing something else stupid. I wish you the best.


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## smorgasbord (May 28, 2013)

I live in Alabama. 

I have all text messages and emails from him backed up to google drive and he is constantly bullying and insulting me. I have several texts from him saying we are his mistake family and he wants to go start a new one, as well as texts saying his only motivation in life is to screw Mr over and make this divorce take as long as possible.

my boyfriend met my daughter last month. I don't live alone, so there are always people around and I don't leave her alone with him or ask him to babysit or anything like that. not even necessarily because I don't trust him. but I really didn't think that was appropriate at this point. we don't live together or anything and I don't plan on it anytime soon. their interactions are limited to playing downstairs in the living room and then sometimes he will help me get her to bed. but he's never alone with her for any reason. I have not seen any warning signs of abuse (and trust me i know what they look like now) from him at all. he treats us both immensely well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

My opinion, sounds like you had the boyfriend before the end of the marriage and are trying to seemlessly move bf in.

Your statements don't all add up but I don't know your situation.

You let him have her but you don't. You want him to take her but you don't.

Letting any date around your kids before a long time after the breakup or divorce is wrong in my opinion.

Your child is young

You letting him put her to bed with you....

let's just say I don't think you have your daughters interests over your own


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

And yes, I think what you are doing could potentially hurt your custody case. Especially bf around daughter at all, particularly late and early during day.


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## smorgasbord (May 28, 2013)

i met my boyfriend after i filed. i never had any affairs during the marriage. can't say the same for my STBXH. he had multiple online affairs during our marriage and my pregnancy. the first time i tried to divorce him, i had rediscovered some old feelings for a high school friend, but that never became anything inappropriate and when my STBXH begged me to stay, i ended contact with the friend.



> You let him have her but you don't. You want him to take her but you don't.


i let him have her 9 out of 10 times that he asked. he just didn't ask that often, or would ask and then cancel and not reschedule. when he lived up here, i tried several times to get him to adhere to some kind of schedule that we could BOTH count on so that i could say i let him see her on this and this day, and if i didn't stick to it, he would also have the ability to say i was withholding her.

at one point in september, he came to me wanting to settle. we agreed on an every other weekend schedule, and one or two days during the week depending on whose weekend it was (but no overnights). that NEVER happened. he very rarely even saw her on a weekend. a couple weeks later he said he was taking me to court and didn't want to settle. 

he has said multiple times throughout this process that i am somehow keeping her from him and i don't understand where he is getting that from. aside from a handful of times and when we went on vacation to disney world for a week, there has never been a period of time where he has not had access to her. i think that what he means is that he doesn't get to see her every day and therefore i'm keeping her from him, because he hasn't accepted that we are no longer together and that's just not plausible reality. he gets mad at me because she lives with me and i do see her every day, but every time i ask him when he wants to see her he says "not now" or "not for a while."

i send him pictures and video of her at his request. when he moved 3 hours south last month he said he wanted to call and talk to her every other night. that never happened either. first it was every few days, then once a week, and now he sends me videos to show her at night instead of talking to her. 

in an ideal world, i would LOVE to be able to effectively coparent with him and have him take her every other weekend. truth be told, i've been doing this by myself for a long time and a break every now and then would be nice. but he has been in and out of her life the past few months and doesn't know how to effectively parent a toddler. i'm not comfortable sending her down there for three days at a time like he's asking and especially not for 6 weeks in the summer. she asks for me after being away from me for 6 hours... that's not gonna work super well.



> Especially bf around daughter at all, particularly late and early during day.


early? he doesn't see her in the mornings... he doesn't spend the night. she goes to bed between 8 and 9 pm. he may hang out for a bit after she goes to sleep, but he doesn't spend the night.


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## SimplyCrushed (Nov 21, 2014)

I'm only going off my experience here but it doesn't really play a part. The person you are dating would have to be a danger to the children for the court to not allow your kids around (very rare, felony convictions etc)

Unfortunately (or fortunately..!!) any visitation order by the court can be ignored, especially if you have sole custody. You can't force him to do anything besides pay child support. 

I had a very good relationship with my ex's XW and we discussed their child on a regular basis. You are pretty early in the process but there are things your attorney can put in an agreement. Such as counseling for your daughter etc. They can also be VERY specific about the time he can contact her and how.

For other reasons besides LEGAL it's a good idea to involve her with your boyfriend, but also understand that if you break up she will go through a lot. Be prepared for him to try and make this an issue!!! 
If he is already combative regarding the divorce he can try and smear your name BUT judges could care less... especially if you are taking care of your child and there isn't a safety concern.

All of it just gets annoying. Have you looked into how long you need to be separated for/in D proceedings before you can just announce your divorce in the paper or something? Remember that an action for default judgement can be appealed. There may be some technically, especially if he moved 3 hours away... in my state you could file all kinds of things to make the divorce go slower and move jurisdiction to another county.

Just a PAIN.


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## SimplyCrushed (Nov 21, 2014)

Just saw this:

Quote:
Especially bf around daughter at all, particularly late and early during day.
early? he doesn't see her in the mornings... he doesn't spend the night. she goes to bed between 8 and 9 pm. he may hang out for a bit after she goes to sleep, but he doesn't spend the night.

Again, has no impact.. unless you live in a super weird state. Unless your BF has 10 felony convictions.. well them maybe a judge would care.
All of your social media stuff would have to be under a subpoena for a judge to blink. Usually they would only care if there was some gross misconduct.
People get busted by not paying alimony etc and then writing about the boat they just purchased... 

If he was trying to smear you there would not be a possibility for a default, but him going nuts with motions and contested hearings.. possibly even pre-trial conferences. You would've heard about it all by now. Unless he plays some stupid game about jurisdiction but I doubt that will have anything to do with your daughter since her school etc is with you.

Just be careful!!!!


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## smorgasbord (May 28, 2013)

i really don't care if he doesn't exercise his visitation. less for me to worry about. yeah it would be nice to have a break but he's put in so little effort to be a parent thus far that i don't see that happening. i have struggled with being the witch ex-wife who won't let her ex see the kid because he is such an abusive and manipulative person that i don't believe any influence he has on our daughter in the future is going to be a good one. but ultimately if he wants to attempt to be a decent parent at some point in the future, i have to allow that.

what i'm worried about is that he's suddenly gonna demand joint custody to get back at me and then actually take it, again to get back at me. this has never been about her. if it were about her, he would make more of an effort to see her and might actually schedule a visit when i ask him when he wants to see her next.

if he wants to show me that he can handle her (she's a toddler now and he hasn't been around much since she started throwing toddler tantrums) then he is welcome to the standard visitation schedule minus the overnights, at least at first. but he's not willing to do that and he wants me to drive an hour and a half there and back and pay for the gas every other weekend and that's not my responsibility. 

my boyfriend is definitely not a felon... he's an eagle scout! LOL. i would not have let him spend any time around her if we didn't both feel that the relationship was serious though. he knows everything about the situation as far as the divorce goes. he treats us both so, so well.

i'm not sure how long we have to be going through the proceedings before i can get a divorce by publication but i don't know that i could do that since it's not like he's dropped off the face of the earth. i know if the hearing in march rolls around and he still hasn't bothered to file a thing, i have a pretty good chance of getting what i want. it's the uncertainty that bothers me. he has gone back and forth on settling and dragging me to court several times so i don't know why i bother putting stock in anything he says at this point given that it doesn't look like he has a lawyer and he still hasn't filed anything.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Just communicate through text and emails. It will give you evidence during custody battles, and show him as a flake. Set a boundary for phone calls being for emergency purposes only.

As for your dating, you go girl! Seriously, why put life on hold for you know how long. If you found a great guy, why give it up until the divorce is final. You don't know how long he is capable of stalling. Some people's view on the subject may vary, but it is really up to you. Just make sure your self-aware emotionally, and take it at your own pace.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ETA: It is almost impossible to prove adultery in any state. Your husband. So it's probably not an issue at all. A few emails are usually not enough.

I did a google search on "Alabama divorce custody adultery".

Alabama allows for fault based divorce. Adultery is one of the allowed faults.

In Alabama, dating or cohabitating during divorce is considered adultery and it can be used against you for custody and alimony.

Adultery in Alabama: Does Cheating Affect Alimony? | DivorceNet.com

"Dating during divorce can have legal consequences both for the divorcing spouse and their new partner. Dating while separated can hold up and complicate the divorce proceedings, can effect custody and visitation decisions, and rarely but possibly, depending on the state, may be grounds for a lawsuit."


Read more: Dating During Divorce 


*"Adultery and Child Custody*

Having an extramarital affair is not a factor considered in its own right, but it does go into the courts assessment of these other factors. For example, if you engaged in an affair that embarrassed the child in some way or that otherwise indicates that you were putting your own needs and desires above the needs of the child, this can be used as evidence against your fitness as a parent.


Further, if you are cohabitating with a significant other during the divorce process or during a custody dispute, the court will also look at whether this impacts the stability of your home and will consider the relationship of the child with the person whom you are living with."


Read more: Does An Extra-Marital Affair Have an Impact on Child Custody?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to discuss your dating with your lawyer. The lawyer is probably going to tell you that it's a very bad idea in Alabama. But find out from the lawyer how YOUR judge usually responds to custody and dating during a divorce. A few, very few, states are very strict that dating during the divorce is still adultery. 

I did not spend enough time reading online to find out if Alabama is like this. You can find this out by talking to your lawyer and by doing a lot of google searches on relevant terms to bring up the info. Pay attention to any more current court cases on this topic. 

Since your boyfriend does not spend the night and you do not leave her with him, you are being a responsible parent.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Also, Alabama is a single party consent state.

This means that if you want to record conversations and phone calls only one party in the conversation needs to consent to the recording. So if you consent, you can make a recording. Thus it is legal in Alabama for you to record phone calls and conversations and you can use these recordings in court. 

State by State Compliance


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## smorgasbord (May 28, 2013)

well we don't live together and he doesn't spend nights here, so there's that. i forget that the south can be so old-fashioned at times.

i have tried to talk to my lawyer on a few occasions about it but she's not easy to get ahold of. supposedly he sent her an email on friday about "all the proof he has" of my seeing someone else so i imagine she will want to talk to me at some point this week anyway. 

like i said, there's no alimony or property division. the only thing i am concerned about is custody, but i don't think that me seeing somebody makes me an unfit parent and i certainly don't think somebody who's made so little effort to be in her life should be awarded custody.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

You have made up your mind.

You want your daughter around him and a girlfriend at beddy bye ?

CHILD first

No one is ready to be serious right after a break up, can true love happen. But you know you are moving too soon.


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## smorgasbord (May 28, 2013)

LBHmidwest said:


> You have made up your mind.
> 
> You want your daughter around him and a girlfriend at beddy bye ?
> 
> ...


as I said, we've been separated and living in separate households since October of last year. I have been trying to divorce him since December of last year. this wasn't a gut wrenching difficult emotional decision for me. 

as for the girlfriend thing, I would hope that he would have the same standards as I do as far as who he dates and brings around our child, but the bedtime thing doesn't really bother me, no. I'm mom and nobody is replacing me. unless he was encouraging her to call his gf mommy, I have no issue with her helping put our daughter to bed.

I don't leave her every weekend or weeknight to go on dates. I don't choose time with my boyfriend over time with her. most of the time it's all three of us hanging out together because he knows that I'm a mom first. I fail to see in what way I'm not putting her first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

smorgasbord said:


> well we don't live together and he doesn't spend nights here, so there's that. i forget that the south can be so old-fashioned at times.
> 
> i have tried to talk to my lawyer on a few occasions about it but she's not easy to get ahold of. supposedly he sent her an email on friday about "all the proof he has" of my seeing someone else so i imagine she will want to talk to me at some point this week anyway.
> 
> like i said, there's no alimony or property division. the only thing i am concerned about is custody, but i don't think that me seeing somebody makes me an unfit parent and i certainly don't think somebody who's made so little effort to be in her life should be awarded custody.


I agree with you. And I think that most courts will as well. Your husband has shown no real concern for his child. You are her only parent right now.

Since you are not living with your bf and he does not spend the night, there really is nothing that your stbx can say.

I do however, think that your attorney will tell you that dating at this time is a really bad idea because your husband can try to raise a stink. But if he cannot afford an extremely expensive attorney, his nonsense will go nowhere.


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## imjustwatching (Jul 8, 2014)

yes you could get in trouble and probably will , I saw some cases where the wife get in trouble for this - I'm speaking legally 
let's speak about morals : you literally replace the father of your 2 years old baby (2years old !  ) with another man and you are not even divorced yet ? that bad as the first posters said you don't have your daughter interests over your own


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

By the way, men who post here on TAM are generally encouraged to date as soon as they file for divorce. They are told that "getting some" will make them feel better an more like a man.

So let's keep some consistency and be rational here. The law is the same whether it's a man or a woman dating during a divorce.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

I have never done that. 

I think this was a call for support of what I've done, not a true reaching out for advice and help.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

smorgasbord said:


> i was hoping somebody could weigh in on this for me.
> 
> i filed for divorce in july (we have been separated off and on since october of last year and not living in the same house), started seeing someone shortly after that. i am not in any kind of grieving or mourning period, i was relieved after finally filing and i mourned the loss of my relationship long before i started the divorce process. i had been in an abusive relationship for almost 3 years by the time i filed and married for 2 of those years.
> 
> ...


For custody it means nothing. I just went through this. The thinking is that someone can cheat or fall in love with someone else and still be a good parent Even if your husband was there everyday, the kid is young. So will go with mom

However, I think morally , and for you kids best interests, you shouldn't have another guy around unless you are atleast engaged
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

I am not a lawyer, but I do read some law forums. From what I understand, if he goes for parenting time, you can file for child support. So he probably wants this out of the courts. He could have filed for time, even before divorce, but hasn't. He doesn't work, but daughter goes to another family member. WHY? He moved 3 hours away, so HE would be responsible for all transportation. Then again, he is only asking for EOW, which is what any deadbeat would get, barring serious felony convictions. SO maybe you should make him think he has a good deal and meet him halfway for drop off/pick up, establish status quo and judge would most likely uphold that barring any SERIOUS change in circumstance. If he proves to be a good dad, you can revisit parenting time later.

This advice is given from what I know to be common, but if you could consult a lawyer, that would be better.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

smorgasbord said:


> as I said, we've been separated and living in separate households since October of last year. I have been trying to divorce him since December of last year. this wasn't a gut wrenching difficult emotional decision for me.
> 
> as for the girlfriend thing, I would hope that he would have the same standards as I do as far as who he dates and brings around our child, but the bedtime thing doesn't really bother me, no. I'm mom and nobody is replacing me. unless he was encouraging her to call his gf mommy, I have no issue with her helping put our daughter to bed.
> 
> ...


I would say legally you are fine. The question is if you want your daughter to have a father. 

So yes , you can make the dad do all the driving. And yes you can date and have new men around your 2 yr old. 

But, for most men, this is EXTREMELY difficult to cope with and the man often times walks away. It is just not easy thinking of another man around yor child. 

So yes you can date, but the only one getting hurt is your daughter. As a sidenote I find it interesting when women always mention how being a mom is so tough, but they have all this time for new romances. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

or maybe ones in the open


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LBHmidwest said:


> or maybe ones in the open


??? that comment makes no sense. Can you explain?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I was reading Zillard's thread, and he introduced his daughter to his gf. He did not get the flack that she is getting. Further more, there were guys dating while getting a divorce on this site, and where was the anger then. 

As for replacing the father, well he is erratic and is not showing up is he. In fact, he hasn't been contributing anything to help raise her, or provide her with anything. He can't stay on schedule. He shows up when he is not suppose too, and he doesn't take her when it is his time. She has evidence that he has been withdrawing from his daughter's life. He doesn't sound too stable. 

Yeah, she can tone it down with the bf, and take things slower. People move on at different paces. They have been married a short time, and he was an abusive a$$hole. I would think it would be easy to move on from that.

I find the adultery law obsolete after filing for divorce. If her divorce dragged on for 3 years, would people be happy while she remained single till then. There have been thread where the divorce procedure has lasted for years. Honcho comes off the top of my mind.

So what about those single dads who had custody, and still had time for romance, say like Zillard. Even after her divorce, what will really change about her circumstances. She will still be a single parent, and she will still work full time. She will still deal with an erratic ex. So your saying until the daughter hits her teenage years, then the mother can date. I think if this were a man it would be different. Those posting have some anger issues aimed at the op. Oh, another is flyfishdoc that was dating while divorcing. I am sure there is a hell of a lot more.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Hope all goes well for you and your divorce.

I still would be extremely careful with the bf.

Yes, even eagle scouts have molested young daughters. I wish this world was a better place, but it is not.

You have been given the info on problems with bf around your daughter.

I have 4 daughters. Yes, I have tried to protect them, but some bad things have happened. I have helped them get restraining orders on young men that I thouht were okay, but they were not.

I have also gotten upset about my daughter's fiance. I found out what a jerk he was with my own eyes. Yes, I interfered. She did not marry the bum, and now has been married for almost 20 years to what I think is a good man. 

Just use some caution and go slow with the bf. Hope he what you think he is, but does not hurt to go slow, do background checks and protect your daughter.

Sorry, I do have feelings about protecting the children. 

I do hope the bf is the real deal. I do hope if your ex is involved with your daughter, he will shape up and be a good positive influence in her life. 

Now that I have 5 granddaughters, I am still an interfering old man. One of the things that I need to work on, but sometimes somebody had to think about these lovely young people.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Mr.Fisty said:


> I was reading Zillard's thread, and he introduced his daughter to his gf. He did not get the flack that she is getting. Further more, there were guys dating while getting a divorce on this site, and where was the anger then.
> 
> 
> So what about those single dads who had custody, and still had time for romance, say like Zillard. Even after her divorce, what will really change about her circumstances. She will still be a single parent, and she will still work full time. She will still deal with an erratic ex. So your saying until the daughter hits her teenage years, then the mother can date. I think if this were a man it would be different. Those posting have some anger issues aimed at the op. Oh, another is flyfishdoc that was dating while divorcing. I am sure there is a hell of a lot more.



A. I think if a man gets custody of his children, that means , in almost all cases, either his wife did not want them, OR she was extremely unfit. Drugs, major mental illness etc. This actually gives sympathy to the man in the eyes of others. Most likely he would not be getting substantial child support either. 

B. If a woman gets custody of a 2 yr old, it isn't proof of anything. If the woman dates immediately after filing, it looks like she either was cheating in some way, or did not give her all to the marriage. We all know that when women complain about "abuse" in all of these threads, and suddenly show up with a new love interest soon after, everyone bombards the hubby with "she was cheating and rewrote the marital history"

C. I would think the chance of sexual abuse would be much lower if the man has his son or daughter around a woman he is dating than vice versa. 

D. The man probably does not NEED the new love interest for financial support. So he would probably be less likely to overlook red flags pertaining to his new love interest and her interaction with his kids. 

E. All things equal, if a guy was able to just say he wants a divorce, keep the kids from a fit and loving mom, and replace the mom with another woman just because he felt like it, immediately after, I would say that is equally as wrong and almost would be considered evil to me. Would the replaced mom be able to be strong enough to see her child every other weekend and be happy knowing what happened or would it be really painful?

F. Women are the gatekeepers.. If out of billions of guys she picked an abusive guy to have kids with, or did not know him well enough, (assuming he really was abusive), then logically how is she able to immediately pick the next guy as a better choice to be around this guys daughter? Did she fix herself and her picking ability? She chose an abuser, but now likes a totally different type of guy? She must have not know her husband well enough, does she know this guy well enough? Will he turn into an abuser too? Nw the stakes are higher as there is 2 yr old involved..

G. Is this in the child's best interests or hers? A two yr old needs a lot of love and attention. I can tell you if I had custody of a two yr old I would have zero time to be dating immediately after a divorce. 
I would think my focus should be on my daughter, not a new love interest.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

What is the difference between her hanging out with friends and dating? Lots of couples have babysitters, or family members to look after their child. Doesn't sound like she is neglecting her child. She is still forming a bond. So it would be okay for her to hang out with friends, but not hang out with a guy? Her daughter does sleep around 8 or 9, so does she not have free time afterwards. You want her life to be purely work, and her child, with no social life. My aunt is a naanny, and she took care of babies, while the couple gets away to decompress, and enjoy life. In this case, she has family members helping her look after her child. The father occasionally see his daughter. If the father has the daughter, should she just sit around and twiddle her thumbs until her daughter returns? If the father becomes responsible, and has her over the weekend, should she just stay at home? Or should she practice taking care of a phantom toddler? I think most are angry because she is female. 

It is like how dare she date. How dare she only put her child first, and not take care of herself. If she wanted to hang out with friends, would that be okay, or should she cancel her life until her daughter can stay home and look after herself. My cousin was a single father, and his mother, my aunt, help him look over his child since birth. He is now married to the girl he dated when his son was one. His son is doing well, and I think people are making a big issue out of this. There has to be a balance in life. Amentally healthy mother is better than a mentally exhausted one. Everyone needs a break.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

What happens if the father is abusive? She can learn to be vigilant, and watch out for fishy behavior. She can get a background check. It is like she is leaving her daughter alone with him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr.Fisty said:


> What is the difference between her hanging out with friends and dating? Lots of couples have babysitters, or family members to look after their child. Doesn't sound like she is neglecting her child. She is still forming a bond. So it would be okay for her to hang out with friends, but not hang out with a guy? Her daughter does sleep around 8 or 9, so does she not have free time afterwards. You want her life to be purely work, and her child, with no social life. My aunt is a naanny, and she took care of babies, while the couple gets away to decompress, and enjoy life. In this case, she has family members helping her look after her child. The father occasionally see his daughter. If the father has the daughter, should she just sit around and twiddle her thumbs until her daughter returns? If the father becomes responsible, and has her over the weekend, should she just stay at home? Or should she practice taking care of a phantom toddler? I think most are angry because she is female.
> 
> It is like how dare she date. How dare she only put her child first, and not take care of herself. If she wanted to hang out with friends, would that be okay, or should she cancel her life until her daughter can stay home and look after herself. My cousin was a single father, and his mother, my aunt, help him look over his child since birth. He is now married to the girl he dated when his son was one. His son is doing well, and I think people are making a big issue out of this. There has to be a balance in life. Amentally healthy mother is better than a mentally exhausted one. Everyone needs a break.


Thank you for being a voice of reason on this thread. 

Sadly I'm not surprised at some of the posts on this thread attacking the OP for daring to have a life beyond her child.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Mr.Fisty said:


> W
> It is like how dare she date. How dare she only put her child first, and not take care of herself. If she wanted to hang out with friends, would that be okay, or should she cancel her life until her daughter can stay home and look after herself. My cousin was a single father, and his mother, my aunt, help him look over his child since birth. He is now married to the girl he dated when his son was one. His son is doing well, and I think people are making a big issue out of this. There has to be a balance in life. Amentally healthy mother is better than a mentally exhausted one. Everyone needs a break.


I think the issue is that people also have feelings.. Yes, logically, assuming we did not have feelings, I would side with you.

The man already lost his daughter, in that he now can only see her at certain times, and he knows this for the rest of his life. That is a major, major, blow.

Secondly, he knows another man is around, putting the love of his life, his daughter, into bed. Things like this.. major, major blow number 2. This is not years down the road, it is immediately after divorce was filed..

So, it might be best for his mental health to disappear. Just create a new life. But what is he told? Stay strong, the child needs a father. be involved etc. if he does not, he is a deadbeat dad, loser. So he has to live through this torture and just be told "Ah, man up.. thats life.. She is allowed to date.. get over it.. Pretend it didn't happen"

It just isn't so easy. And who suffers? The child. Once again, she can date, but it just makes it all more painful for all parties involved.

At the end of the day, i find it odd for anyone to quickly date after a divorce.. And not just date, but also introduce a new man or woman to your child..Actually putting the kid in bed? better be sure this is the man you will be with forever..If not it just causes the child more pain and confusion.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Mr.Fisty said:


> I was reading Zillard's thread, and he introduced his daughter to his gf. He did not get the flack that she is getting. Further more, there were guys dating while getting a divorce on this site, and where was the anger then.
> 
> As for replacing the father, well he is erratic and is not showing up is he. In fact, he hasn't been contributing anything to help raise her, or provide her with anything. He can't stay on schedule. He shows up when he is not suppose too, and he doesn't take her when it is his time. She has evidence that he has been withdrawing from his daughter's life. He doesn't sound too stable.
> 
> ...



Let me try to explain it like this..

When she was single, she picked an abusive man to have a child with. Why? Did she fix that issue? Did she know him well enough?

Secondly, divorce is a time of turmoil. During this emotional time, she now, immediately, found "the one"?

And why is he needed to put the girl in bed? Why is he around the child?

She is already "dating" while not divorced.. Ok, that's fine.. I don't have some puritanical issue with that. But almost universally, all psychologists would agree you do not bring a new man/woman around your child, unless you are almost positive this is going to lead to a marriage. 

So, during this crazy and tumultuous time, she was able to now think clearly enough and make sure this is the right man? just does not seem likely.. At any minute this guy can take off, and then another new man will be putting this kid in bed?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

marriedman321 said:


> Let me try to explain it like this..
> 
> When she was single, she picked an abusive man to have a child with. Why? Did she fix that issue? Did she know him well enough?
> 
> ...


I didn't say she did everything correctly. Does she need to take her time, of course. We are not sure if he is around everyday. Lets wait for her to respond. Don't forget she is new to this too. People will always be in and out of her life. Just look at the child's father. He comes and go in and out of her life. Not a thing the mother can do about it. As long as there is stability, and the child learns to adapt. Yeah, I believe that she should slowly introduce him in her life, and you can't simply introduce him from out of nowhere either, and say,"Hi, meet your new step dad." Some posters had issues with her dating period. Like yourself. That she shouldn't date because she has a two year old child. If they do everthing wisely, a child can learn and adapt.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Mr.Fisty said:


> I didn't say she did everything correctly. Does she need to take her time, of course. We are not sure if he is around everyday. Lets wait for her to respond. Don't forget she is new to this too. People will always be in and out of her life. Just look at the child's father. He comes and go in and out of her life. Not a thing the mother can do about it. As long as there is stability, and the child learns to adapt. Yeah, I believe that she should slowly introduce him in her life, and you can't simply introduce him from out of nowhere either, and say,"Hi, meet your new step dad." Some posters had issues with her dating period. Like yourself. That she shouldn't date because she has a two year old child. If they do everthing wisely, a child can learn and adapt.


If the genders were reversed I would feel the same. If I filed for divorce, kept the kid, and then inserted a new female to help me do things like put my son to bed, would that be helping my wife stay in my sons life? Or pushing her away? Would my new love interest be a voice of reason trying to keep my ex involved? 

Sometimes women complain about men disappearing, but when you leave a guy, keep his kid , and then replace him it is probably the hardest thing to deal with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

*Re: Re: dating during divorce; how it affects custody*



marriedman321 said:


> If the genders were reversed I would feel the same. If I filed for divorce, kept the kid, and then inserted a new female to help me do things like put my son to bed, would that be helping my wife stay in my sons life? Or pushing her away? Would my new love interest be a voice of reason trying to keep my ex involved?
> 
> Sometimes women complain about men disappearing, but when you leave a guy, keep his kid , and then replace him it is probably the hardest thing to deal with.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you keeping in mind that the OP's ex us the one that moved 3 hours away? Men who care about staying involved with their children don't do that, especially so early in a separation/divorce. 

IMHO. 

C


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

marriedman321 said:


> If the genders were reversed I would feel the same. If I filed for divorce, kept the kid, and then inserted a new female to help me do things like put my son to bed, would that be helping my wife stay in my sons life? Or pushing her away? Would my new love interest be a voice of reason trying to keep my ex involved?
> 
> Sometimes women complain about men disappearing, but when you leave a guy, keep his kid , and then replace him it is probably the hardest thing to deal with.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Okay, your placing and seeing yourself in this situation. Your blinded to the fact, that he isn't around, and he doesn't contribute anything to his daughter. Your vision is narrowed. He bailed out on his daughter when he was suppose to be with her. He is harrassing the op. He is acting erratically.

It would be different if he was more reliable, but he has NEVER done anything for his daughter. He hasn't contribute one red cent during their marriage, and he has been flaky. I see a lot of posters ignore all other facts. He has been calling less. Instead of live chat, he pre-records his messages.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Okay, your placing and seeing yourself in this situation. Your blinded to the fact, that he isn't around, and he doesn't contribute anything to his daughter. Your vision is narrowed. He bailed out on his daughter when he was suppose to be with her. He is harrassing the op. He is acting erratically.
> 
> It would be different if he was more reliable, but he has NEVER done anything for his daughter. He hasn't contribute one red cent during their marriage, and he has been flaky. I see a lot of posters ignore all other facts. He has been calling less. Instead of live chat, he pre-records his messages.


Well he sounds like a horrible guy if it is all true. I guess I wonder what led her to marry and procreate with him. 

As for calling a 2 yrnold there isn't much point. 
But on the other hand she is also here posting because it seems he wants custody. Usually a run away dad wouldn't pursue this. But why post photos on social media? What would this help? There seems to be some immaturity on both sides. 
_Po
More_


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

marriedman321 said:


> Well he sounds like a horrible guy if it is all true. I guess I wonder what led her to marry and procreate with him.
> 
> But on the other hand she is also here posting because it seems he wants custody. Usually a run away dad wouldn't pursue this. But why post photos on social media? What would this help? There seems to be some immaturity on both sides.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 And this is where she can learn. People should never stop growing as individuals. He sounds spiteful, and she has been keeping records of his messages. Right now, she is the most stable parent. Love makes us blind, it really does. We will ignore each other's flaw more until the new feeling wears out. It could take up to five years before the bond has eroded enough. A lot of divorces happen around the five year mark for that reason. How many posters on this site missed red flags about their partner? When love affects the brain like heroin, people make bad choices.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Mr.Fisty said:


> And this is where she can learn. People should never stop growing as individuals. He sounds spiteful, and she has been keeping records of his messages. Right now, she is the most stable parent. Love makes us blind, it really does. We will ignore each other's flaw more until the new feeling wears out. It could take up to five years before the bond has eroded enough. A lot of divorces happen around the five year mark for that reason. How many posters on this site missed red flags about their partner? When love affects the brain like heroin, people make bad choices.


Totally agree. Which is why a new love interest might not be in the best interests of this 2 yr old. It's not casual dating to get out of the house. This guy is already around the kid fairly often
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

marriedman321 said:


> Totally agree. Which is why a new love interest might not be in the best interests of this 2 yr old. It's not casual dating to get out of the house. This guy is already around the kid fairly often
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 And that is why she should slow down. Face it, people need social connections, and if she is reading this still, she will have gained valuable insight. Also the infatuation stage has to run its course. The faster the better, then she will have a better view of the situation. If she is not back, hopes it educates someone at the very least.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Mr.Fisty said:


> And that is why she should slow down. Face it, people need social connections, and if she is reading this still, she will have gained valuable insight. Also the infatuation stage has to run its course. The faster the better, then she will have a better view of the situation. If she is not back, hopes it educates someone at the very least.


Yes. That's all I am saying. Believe it or not this is an important bonding stage for this little girl. 

I wouldn't be arguing about drive time even if she is correct. The most important thing is that this little girl gets to bond with the father. 

If this new guy will be there and is serious, and they have long term plans, then I think that would be atleast better. But posting photos of you and your new love interest would most likely drive the father further away as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smorgasbord (May 28, 2013)

wow i haven't been getting the notifications for any of these posts.

as for the questioning of my judgement because i married an abusive man, i was 20 when i married him. we were pressured by both sets of parents because i got pregnant and i was already on the verge of breaking up with him when that happened. i certainly did not choose to start a family with him with the knowledge that he was an abusive asshat. there were red flags, but the majority of the abuse didn't even happen until after we were married. i've been trying to leave since december of 2013 and i kept getting sucked back in until i filed this summer. i would like to think that i've learned and grown from that experience.

i understand the infatuation/honeymoon stage, it blinded me to a lot of red flags with my STBXH. and i have pored over every part of my current relationship to make sure that the same red flags aren't present, and they aren't. we communicate very well and there is nothing even remotely unhealthy or abusive about it.

as for the social media thing, i deleted and blocked him from all social media before any mention of my current relationship was made. i don't do things solely to spite him or rub it in his face. he seems to think that most of my actions revolve around him, when in fact i couldn't care less.



> The man already lost his daughter, in that he now can only see her at certain times, and he knows this for the rest of his life. That is a major, major, blow.


addressing this specifically... the entire time we have been separated, he has not seen her on any kind of consistent schedule. before any mention of a divorce was introduced, or even when we were supposedly trying to work things out. it was always drop in here and then whenever he wants. how is that a major blow when he can't commit to anything specific anyway?

he is now asking for 50/50 custody and wants her from thurs-mon every other week. 5 days is way too long to be away from her primary residence and her primary caretaker but he won't listen to me when i tell him she can't handle it. because again, it's not about her. it's about making me pay, and because he doesn't want to pay as much child support. i wouldn't be surprised, IF he were actually granted that, if he rarely exercised it because he doesn't genuinely want the responsibility of raising a toddler.

supposedly he emailed my lawyer a bunch of stuff that he has on me and he is trying to bully me into agreeing to that 50/50 split (oh and providing receipts for everything i buy if he's going to give me support) and he keeps saying my lawyer will just advise me to settle because he'll destroy me in court so i might as well do it now.

i meet with her tomorrow so we'll see what she has to say about it. i'm not sure what he could possibly have that's so terrible other than pictures of us together because there's really nothing else to have. i don't do drugs. i rarely drink. other than the one date night a month i'm home every night.


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## smorgasbord (May 28, 2013)

and also, i did not "rewrite the marriage" because i was cheating on him and wanted out.

if anyone would like to see the texts or emails i get from him on a daily basis, i would be happy to produce them. it is incredibly obvious to most people how abusive and manipulative he is and this is not a case of me getting bored or unhappy and suddenly crying abuse.

he cheated on me while i was pregnant and for over half of our marriage, threatened to divorce me constantly (but i'm not allowed to divorce him because then he can't control me anymore), called me worthless, stupid, childish, etc. you name it.

sue me for not wanting my kid to grow up around that.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

i think in most states, child support is the same regardless of how often the visiting parent has the child.. As soon as my divorce went through, and my wife was awarded a certain amount of child support and alimony, she wanted to make a deal that I have much more visitation time. 

I also sent my wife mean texts.. She would call, say horrible things, hang up, avoid discussion, and I was left just texting her. So she was using this as some sort of "proof", but it really meant nothing in court. I don't think any texts even came up as it means nothing.. Unless it is a death threat or something like that. Arguing spouses all say mean things. 

I would try to avoid court and lawyers at all costs, and try to go through mediation. Maybe you have 70%, he has 30%.. Something like that..

They won't give 50/50 unless the 2 of you get a long wonderfully.


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## smorgasbord (May 28, 2013)

he wants joint custody and "half scale" support as he put it. really i don't even know what that means.

i don't communicate with him by phone call or by snapchat, though he tries, because i don't want any communication i can't keep track of. there are PLENTY of things i would love to say to him but i don't because despite the fact that he refuses to respect me, i won't insult and bully him.

i'm not sure how texts from him saying that we were his mistake family and his only motivation is revenge AREN'T relevant here. it's 100% true.

i would love to settle, but i'm not budging on that. he does not need her for five days in a row when she's barely even seen him in the past few months. she's not even two. there is NO WAY she could handle that.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

smorgasbord said:


> he wants joint custody and "half scale" support as he put it. really i don't even know what that means.
> 
> i don't communicate with him by phone call or by snapchat, though he tries, because i don't want any communication i can't keep track of. there are PLENTY of things i would love to say to him but i don't because despite the fact that he refuses to respect me, i won't insult and bully him.
> 
> ...


I would say you have no worries.. There is no way a judge will give your 2 year old to him for 50% of the time. 

Even if he was the perfect dad, he would not get 50/50 at that age.

My wife didn't work, cheated, left the country and abandoned us twice for weeks, and I got every other weekend and dinner on every other wednesday, because my son was three, and most of the time she was the primary care giver. I also had him in the best school district in the state, and she moved with him to the party district..

Now I have him about 40% of the time..


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## smorgasbord (May 28, 2013)

despite the fact that that makes me feel better, i'm sorry that your wife felt like any of those things were okay to do.

i am definitely open to revisiting the length and frequency of visitation in the future but he wants her thursday-monday every other weekend starting in the next couple months despite my insistence that she's not ready for that. i told him i was okay with every other weekend to start, and she would even have to ease into that because she's not used to being away from me for more than one night at a time.

not surprisingly he said that wasn't fair and i was keeping her from him.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

smorgasbord said:


> despite the fact that that makes me feel better, i'm sorry that your wife felt like any of those things were okay to do.
> 
> i am definitely open to revisiting the length and frequency of visitation in the future but he wants her thursday-monday every other weekend starting in the next couple months despite my insistence that she's not ready for that. i told him i was okay with every other weekend to start, and she would even have to ease into that because she's not used to being away from me for more than one night at a time.
> 
> not surprisingly he said that wasn't fair and i was keeping her from him.


Being a guy it sucks to not see your kid everyday.. So it is just kind of scary to agree to seeing your kid only 4 days a month..(Every other weekend)

So he is probably mad/sad/upset etc. 

In a way it is unfair... If my wife has a new boyfriend live with her, that man will see my own kid a lot more than me..(not that he even wants to)

Over time it gets better, but no court will give him your kid for 5 days in a row..


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## smorgasbord (May 28, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> Being a guy it sucks to not see your kid everyday.. So it is just kind of scary to agree to seeing your kid only 4 days a month..(Every other weekend)
> 
> So he is probably mad/sad/upset etc.
> 
> ...


and if he had made any effort at all to see her over the last few months and she was used to being around him, I might agree to more frequent visitation than that. but he hasn't and she's not. I'm not going to put her in a situation she's not comfortable in.

it seems more like an "I want that toy because you have it now" situation more than a guy who actually wants to see his daughter. because he's used the phrasing "I need that on paper" several times which kinda makes me think it's just for show.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

smorgasbord said:


> and if he had made any effort at all to see her over the last few months and she was used to being around him, I might agree to more frequent visitation than that. but he hasn't and she's not. I'm not going to put her in a situation she's not comfortable in.
> 
> it seems more like an "I want that toy because you have it now" situation more than a guy who actually wants to see his daughter. because he's used the phrasing "I need that on paper" several times which kinda makes me think it's just for show.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What was the reason he moved?


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## smorgasbord (May 28, 2013)

couldn't keep a job. he bounced between a few I think before he moved down to his dad's. he couldn't ever keep a job when we were together either. I was the only one working for most of my pregnancy and most of our relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

smorgasbord said:


> supposedly he emailed my lawyer a bunch of stuff that he has on me and he is trying to bully me into agreeing to that 50/50 split (oh and providing receipts for everything i buy if he's going to give me support) and he keeps saying my lawyer will just advise me to settle because he'll destroy me in court so i might as well do it now.
> 
> i meet with her tomorrow so we'll see what she has to say about it. i'm not sure what he could possibly have that's so terrible other than pictures of us together because there's really nothing else to have. i don't do drugs. i rarely drink. other than the one date night a month i'm home every night.


It is very common for abusive men to try to this. It's just another bullying and control attempt. You are fine from what you have said,

He's the one in for a surprise.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

smorgasbord said:


> he wants joint custody and "half scale" support as he put it. really i don't even know what that means.
> 
> i don't communicate with him by phone call or by snapchat, though he tries, because i don't want any communication i can't keep track of. there are PLENTY of things i would love to say to him but i don't because despite the fact that he refuses to respect me, i won't insult and bully him.
> 
> ...


Child support is generally determined by a formula that takes into consider that income of both parents and the amount of overnights a child spends with each.

other things are added like private school tuition, medical insurance, medial bills usually paid by each parent at their % of joint income.


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## smorgasbord (May 28, 2013)

an email I just got from him. can anyone smell the bull****?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You know what's so nice about using email to communicate in a situation like this?

1) You don't have to respond at all.

2) If you want to respond, you can wait hours, days, months while you compose yourself so you do not react to the nonsense and figure out what you want to write back, if anything.

3) You can control a lot of the tone of the communication by deleting the parts of the email that are attacks, rude, etc and only respond to the business of your divorce and custody issues.

4) You have a permanent record of what his communications and your responses.

A good response to almost anything is:

"I'll pass this on to my lawyer."


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

smorgasbord said:


> and if he had made any effort at all to see her over the last few months and she was used to being around him, I might agree to more frequent visitation than that. but he hasn't and she's not. I'm not going to put her in a situation she's not comfortable in.
> 
> it seems more like an "I want that toy because you have it now" situation more than a guy who actually wants to see his daughter. because he's used the phrasing "I need that on paper" several times which kinda makes me think it's just for show.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you make some sort of agreement, he probably asked for it to be on paper so it doesn't keep changing. Through my divorce my wife would say something different daily, so I would also ask her to put it on paper. An example would be she might say "Oh, you can have him 50% of the time and I don't want anything".. Women often times do this, so you are not prepared at court.

Was he hitting you or your child? Or was it mainly mean texting, or arguing while in your presence? If the latter, I would try to concentrate ln working together..

And that's another problem with dating so soon. It makes an emotional situation far worse, and now you might have to fight in court, which is stressful, costly, and in the end nobody really wins.


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## smorgasbord (May 28, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> If you make some sort of agreement, he probably asked for it to be on paper so it doesn't keep changing. Through my divorce my wife would say something different daily, so I would also ask her to put it on paper. An example would be she might say "Oh, you can have him 50% of the time and I don't want anything".. Women often times do this, so you are not prepared at court.
> 
> Was he hitting you or your child? Or was it mainly mean texting, or arguing while in your presence? If the latter, I would try to concentrate ln working together..
> 
> And that's another problem with dating so soon. It makes an emotional situation far worse, and now you might have to fight in court, which is stressful, costly, and in the end nobody really wins.


sorry I should have clarified. I also have said I want things in writing before, but he is saying he wants one thing on paper and then in reality we can work out something on our own... I want whatever the actual arrangement is on paper. we clearly can't work things out on our own. so I don't want 50/50 custody on paper regardless of whether he's going to take it or not.

he has pushed me, thrown things at my head, cornered me in a room and wouldn't let me leave, yelled in my face, spit at me... he's never punched or slapped me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

smorgasbord said:


> sorry I should have clarified. I also have said I want things in writing before, but he is saying he wants one thing on paper and then in reality we can work out something on our own... I want whatever the actual arrangement is on paper. we clearly can't work things out on our own. so I don't want 50/50 custody on paper regardless of whether he's going to take it or not.
> 
> he has pushed me, thrown things at my head, cornered me in a room and wouldn't let me leave, yelled in my face, spit at me... he's never punched or slapped me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Would you put in writing every other weekend? I guess it is hard as he lives so far away to have shorter visits.. I think at that age shorter , more frequent visits are important, least so he an bond with his child.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

smorgasbord said:


> sorry I should have clarified. I also have said I want things in writing before, but he is saying he wants one thing on paper and then in reality we can work out something on our own... I want whatever the actual arrangement is on paper. we clearly can't work things out on our own. so I don't want 50/50 custody on paper regardless of whether he's going to take it or not.
> 
> he has pushed me, thrown things at my head, cornered me in a room and wouldn't let me leave, yelled in my face, spit at me... he's never punched or slapped me.


So he's an abusive man. People who abuse do it to gain control. They have need to control and they will do what is needed to gain that control. 

What he's doing now is more of the same. Causing chaos and then verbally and in text threatening (about what he'll do to you in court) gives him a feeling of control over you. 

I don't think he cares about his daughter. He is focused on harassing you to control you from afar now.

A man who cares about his child keeps his job, gets to a lawyer and has a temporary custody/timesharing agreement put in place, on paper, in a court document. It's not hard to do.


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