# Betrayed wife needs advise



## Katy9 (Nov 22, 2019)

About 2 months ago, I discovered my husband of 23 years has been texting several prostitutes in our city and has several dating profiles on cheating and regular dating sites too, where he claimed to be separated/divorced.

He claims all this started only after a particularly nasty argument we had, after which i had with drawn from him and there was barely any intimacy. 

But he also claimed that he never actually met/ had any physical sexual contact with any of these women - that they were like a fantasy escape for him. 

Would any of you believe that? Fwiw, i did make him take a polygraph test and to my surprise, he did pass, but I'm still having trouble believing that he never actually met anyone. 

He has given me full access to his phone, gps, banks etc. but now of course he knows I'm watching. I am on the verge of divorcing him. What do you all think?

edited to add - this was over a period of about 8 months - from March 10 to September 11, when I caught a postitute's ad open on his phone and then saw he had been texting her the prior 2 days. 

There was several other escorts that he had been texting in the months prior, including 2 in a foreign city where he stayed overnight.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

If you do decide to stay inside on a post nup which is heavily in your favor if he cheats or contacts prostitutes again. 
By the way fooling a polygraph is easy.


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## Katy9 (Nov 22, 2019)

[QUOTE
By the way fooling a polygraph is easy.[/QUOTE]

Is it? That's the only thing he's got in his favor.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Well, if that’s it — the only thing in his favor — frankly it isn’t much so don’t put your faith in the fact that he passed. 

Some people would divorce over that and some wouldn’t. I would. You’ll have to decide what’s best for you.


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## Katy9 (Nov 22, 2019)

Does anyone believe a man is capable of just "shopping" but not "buying"?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

As l understand this is you found out and it ended Sept 11, now from the day until today besides him giving you access to his phone, accounts but what has he done to correct this and himself? 

Do get the book :
Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity
Book by Jean Coppock Staeheli and Shirley Glass.

It will help you possibly understand in your husband deception the lines he crossed. And this book: 

Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful
by Linda J. MacDonald.

Those books and when you have questions is why TAM is here. But it is solely your decision. And if you do not feel safe and secure. You must do what you have to do.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Katy9 said:


> Does anyone believe a man is capable of just "shopping" but not "buying"?


Yes, it can be that way, but the question is what do you think? Is he worthy of your love anymore?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

So, what if you stay? What if you have another argument? Now you know his mindset. .....Even in a foreign city. Is he addicted to his "possibly real or fantasy' life? Have y'all had MC?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It is possible @Katy9. Maybe he did.

Perhaps it was a dress rehearsal for seeing other women that failed to materialise because you blew his cover.

I noticed the charming way he blamed you for his wrong doings.

I think couple's counselling might be an option.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Your H, @Katy9 ~ is in dire need of a "Come to Jesus" Moment!

You hold the cards! Accommodate him!*


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

There’s no trust now. He lied and betrayed you. So there’s no foundation for this marriage.

Do I believe him? No

I can’t tell you how many married men take me out on a first date... when they are actually VERY much married.

I ask enough questions on that first date - then do a back ground check after I’m home - I pay $50 to find out truth. And every single time I’ve wondered - the guy has lied.

Married men lie and date all the time.

That’s why I keep a solid rule not to date a man unless his divorce is final! But I can’t stop them from lying... so the back ground check is critical if I don’t have solid evidence they are truly single/divorced.

Do they try to kiss me/bed me? Yep. I won’t go there until I have evidence they AREN’T married!

Your H has a weak excuse - you didn’t show enough attention... give me a break. He’s a guy who will cheat. Any excuse he could find to blame you instead of himself is mean and cruel and I think you should divorce him on that alone! He isn’t taking responsibility for how HE participated.

What happens when you get sick? He will cheat!

He just is a weak and untrustworthy man. He’s not husband material.

Let him go cheat on someone else. Don’t let it be you anymore! 

You now know exactly who he is! I bet you don’t like the real him. You shouldn’t, you should divorce him if you want a husband who honors and respects you - he doesn’t.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Katy9 said:


> Does anyone believe a man is capable of just "shopping" but not "buying"?


Not necessarily that, but maybe more along the lines of expending the effort without being able to close the deal. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I wouldn't believe it. I don't think I would take the chance. It's not worth the health risk. I hope you've been checked for STD's.

(Also, it's possible to pass a polygraph when you are lying. It depends on a lot of things.)

I take it he doesn't want a divorce (?).


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Polygraphs are not very reliable. That's why the American Psychological Association says "Most psychologists agree that there is little evidence that polygraph tests can accurately detect lies." (https://www.apa.org/research/action/polygraph) Their biggest use is that many people believe that they work and are intimidated into being truthful.

Even if he is being honest, is it OK? A 23 year marriage is not something to cast away lightly and the divorce process is pretty brutal. But even if he never closed the deal with a hooker, isn't spending the better part of a year talking with them about sex beyond what you would accept in your marriage? That's an awful big betrayal and I think the odds are pretty good that he is lying about not having physical contact with them.

Marriages can survive things like this. The odds aren't great. It takes a lot of work from both parties and you'll never regain the trust that you had. I sincerely hope that you make the best choice for your life and that things work out. I'm sorry that you are in such a difficult situation.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Are you looking for excuses to stay? If so, you’ll find them. Whether or not you'll be able to trust him going forward is another story.


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## Katy9 (Nov 22, 2019)

Thank you all for your responses.

Yes, I realize that even though he passed the lie detector, his response s to my questions do not add up. He deleted all those messages and I was not able to retrieve them. When I ask him the content - he says he does not remember. Of course this does not make any sense.

And you’re right - it does appear thatI I’m looking for reasons to be able to believe him but logically I know there aren’t any. My heart is broken beyond repair. I have given my entire youth, my all to this marriage and been betrayed in this horrible manner.

Yes, we did attend a few sessions of MC but I feel if he cannot be honest about the past then how can I believe all his rosy promises for the future?

No, he does not want the divorce but so do not know what else to do. My older child just went to college and the younger is a sophomore in high school. I’m torn on how this will affect them.


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## custommultirotor (Feb 13, 2018)

I just want to say that I'm sorry you have to deal with any of this Katy. Not all men are like this though. We dont all view the world the same, and dear, there are just as many women that will cheat in a second out there. It's not a Male or Female issue. It's not about you at all. It's about them, and how little they think of their marriage. So many people do not take their marriage seriously. It's sad, but it's not you not I its them. I just hate seeing either group labeled because that's not fair at all to those Men or women that have class and try to live by Gods word. I hate that he has done this to your marriage and to be honest, he lost your trust and without trust what is there?

Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

First off, I'm sorry that your husband is treating you badly. You must be heart broken over all of this.

Your children will be impacted by your response to this terrible mistreatment. They will likely be sad about the divorce and need to work through it, but they will know that cheating breaks up families.

The bottom line is that your husband cheated whether he touched anyone or not. Also, he is a grown man and what he was doing in indicative of physical affairs. Sure if he were 12 he might "only" be texting these women, but not if he's a grown man, which he is! Also, I really don't know anything about prostitutes, but it seems that they are in business like anyone else. They aren't going to spend time texting and not making money when they have customers who are ready for action and payment. If a service isn't used, it perishes and no money is paid, so she isn't going to spend her time on non-money making activities unless she has a good indication that it's going to pay off in cash.

Furthermore, he was blame shifting when he said that he did this because of something you did. If he was so upset by the argument and your backing away from him, he should have been working to do something to resolve the problem rather than setting the nuclear bomb on the whole situation.

Bottom line is that it doesn't matter whether he actually had sexual intercourse with any of these woman. His behavior points to that direction and what he did is certainly a betrayal of you and your marriage. If you can't live with that and his subsequent lies about it, then you are well within your rights to divorce him. He has destroyed your trust and is still not doing whatever it takes to be trustworthy and deal with whatever caused him to behave in such a disgusting manner. He has not taken full responsibility for how he has hurt you. You cannot have a healthy marriage with that going on. He's betrayed you and he's not focused on helping you recover and to resolve his issues.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Upfront it's self protection mode. Regret at being caught.

See reality not what you want to see.

I'm sorry, never do it again? Just words that won't get you much.

Only time will tell if you want to work it out.

If nothing changes you'll likely get a repeat.

What actions is he gonna take. IC for him would be a good start. I'd stay away from marriage counciling if I were you.


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## Katy9 (Nov 22, 2019)

Thanks again for all your insights, everyone. It is so hard to think clearly and objectively in the midst of so much turmoil, plus I haven’t been able to sleep much at all, so am functioning on zombie mode most of the time. Thanks for confirm that my thoughts are not outrageous and make sense to rational independent third parties too.


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## Katy9 (Nov 22, 2019)

Marc878,

Why stay away from couples counseling?


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

For me the hardest part would be trusting him again. 

Every time he grabs his phone, every time he doesn't answer the phone, every time he's late coming home.

The marriage is over once the trust is gone. At least to me. 

You deserve love and peace in your life. Too bad your husband didn't appreciate you, the marriage, and the family he's got.

I'm sorry, I don't think he's going to change.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Katy9 said:


> Marc878,
> 
> Why stay away from couples counseling?


Marriage counseling with someone who is trying to manipulate you is pointless. They will use the marriage counseling to advance their agenda and if that doesn't work, they'll make some excuse about how the counselor doesn't like them or something along those lines.

Marriage counseling only works if someone is truly repentant and willing to do whatever it takes to help their spouse heal and work through the pain they caused their spouse. If someone isn't willing to do that, counseling can make matters worse.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

He took solid action to betray you. His intention was to seek out other women as if he was single!

There’s NO trust within this union - and there’s nothing you can do to believehis lies.

He could have been risking your life! You want to continue living with his betrayals and lies?

Your kids - explain to them the betrayal and explain as well that a strong woman doesn’t stay when any man mistreats them with such disregard.

No matter the age - as your kids get older they will certainly understand that YOU are a strong woman who deserves to be treated better!

Thentake him to the cleaners. He needs to pay for his actions of searching out other women.

No need to delay. His bad behavior SHOULD have consequences! Not just a wimpy apology where he expects you to bow down to more lies.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Please get tested for STIs


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

He went looking for escort because you had an argument and you withdrew? What?!!!! That is total BS.
What about being an adult and sitting down and talking to his wife about it first before he starts looking for ass elsewhere. Your H should become your STBXH, you will never be able to trust him again.
You could try MC to dig up all the issues and put them on the table, then decide if he is worth it or not. IMO what he has done is worthy of divorce papers.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Katy9 said:


> No, he does not want the divorce but so do not know what else to do.


They usually *don't* want a divorce when you catch them. Most don't want to fend for themselves on their own - doing their own shopping and cleaning and cooking and scheduling and everything else that you've always done for him. Why would he give up that? They also don't want to split their assets.

Most of them have EVERY reason to want to stay and not get a divorce. That's pretty standard stuff, really.

Would I believe him? Hell no.

Just because you didn't find text evidence of meet ups doesn't mean it didn't happen. It just means he got lucky and was smart enough to delete all evidence before you found it. But text is not the ONLY method of communication, you know. It's highly possible he made meeting plans by talking on the phone - a lost art that's foreign to most people under 30. But if that's how he made his plans, you'd never find any evidence to prove that.

Lastly, I'd be curious to know WHAT the lie detector test questions were. How many questions did you get to ask? Any more than 3 or 4 questions and the quality of the whole thing goes way down. There are SO many variables that can greatly affect the outcome - right down to misinterpretation of the results by the examiner. But the fact that your gut is STILL screaming to you pretty much says it all.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

It's a pretty common fantasy, being dirty and doing forbidden things with forbidden people. 

My theory is that he probably didn't buy....yet. I think he would eventually have done it had you not caught him. 

This fantasy tends to accelerate into action over time. The long, drawn out, delayed gratification game eventually ends in making it a reality if you play it out long enough. It's human nature to build up the itch and then when desire finally overcomes the fear, you scratch it, hard.

You might have actually saved him from himself.

But, yes, the trust is really the hardest thing to overcome. 

As for him, until he confronts his demons and owns up to the vulnerabilities that made him start this chase and continue as long as he did....he will always be untrustworthy and broken. If he refuses this journey, just know if you stay with him he will always have a piece missing. Hopefully, he can crack this addiction/weakness with full disclosure and ownership. Only then will he be worthy of your trust again.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I know a family--church folks. It started when he was away on trips. He said that it was just too easy to call them (escorts) in. He blamed drinking. He blamed her--she was pregnant and he was her first. 

He sent sexts, duck pics, eventually tried men too. He broke a lot of hearts--lost feelings for his family (his poor mom). Turned out it had actually started when he was in college. 

'Twas everyone's fault but his own. Yet he loved himself more than anyone....


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Katy9 said:


> Marc878,
> 
> Why stay away from couples counseling?


The reason is this: When someone cheats, the first thing that THEY need to do for you and your marriage is figure out what the hell is going on with their head. 

And it has to be someone that recognizes that 1) what they did was wrong at the highest, 2) something is wrong with them, and 3) They need professional help. 

In other words they need professional individual counseling (IC).

Marriage counseling usually comes later for a lot of reasons. Most of all, all the problems with the marriage basically stop until the wayward spouse gets their head together. Also, most, by a wide margin, MC's do not know how to handle infidelity. The way most handle it is to encourage rug sweeping and telling the Betrayed Spouse to get over it. This does not work, never will work, I don't think it can work. 

So after all the above, then you can go to MC and maybe get some good out of it...


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## Katy9 (Nov 22, 2019)

Thank you all.


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## Katy9 (Nov 22, 2019)

The lie detector had 4 questions - if he had met any of the women in the past year for sex, if he had physical sexual contact that I didn’t know of (he admitted to a lap dance) in the past year, if he had sexual intercourse with anybody besides me in the past year and if he had ever physically cheated on me during our marriage. He was hesitant to include the last one but was pretty confident about the others.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Katy9 said:


> The lie detector had 4 questions - if he had met any of the women in the past year for sex, if he had physical sexual contact that I didnâ€™t know of (he admitted to a lap dance) in the past year, if he had sexual intercourse with anybody besides me in the past year and if he had ever physically cheated on me during our marriage. He was hesitant to include the last one but was pretty confident about the others.




Yep, he didn’t pass.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Agreed he failed the test.


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## A_Common_Man (Jun 21, 2018)

Hi Katy9. I'm sorry your husband has done what he did to you. You need to ask yourself the question if you can ever really trust him again. Love is part of trust but it is not trust. Trust is earned. It will take a lot of soul searching for you I think to answer this question. If you cannot trust him anymore than the marriage is very likely over in my opinion.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Katy9 said:


> About 2 months ago, I discovered my husband of 23 years has been texting several prostitutes in our city and has several dating profiles on cheating and regular dating sites too, where he claimed to be separated/divorced.
> 
> He claims all this started only after a particularly nasty argument we had, after which i had with drawn from him and there was barely any intimacy.
> 
> ...


Only you know your husband and what he is capable of. 

In regards to your question, I believe the answer could be yes. That he contacted dating sites, women, prostitutes, etc and didn't actually meet any of them.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

He is having internal turmoil as in lack of sexual desire, ED issues, depression, etc. He thinks a different woman can help him with his internal issues. A wrong thing to do, but very common at midlife. He wants an external solution for his internal pollution.

He needs a male counselor that specializes in andropause issues. He may need to visit his doctor to check his testosterone levels. Testosterone drops in men 40 and over. It is a part of aging for males at midlife just like menopause is for females. 

Andropause is not well accepted or researched like female menopause is. It is hard for middle aged men to recognize that andropause is very real and can wreak havoc on their lives, especially their marriage. Had you noticed a decline in your sex life prior to this prostitute bomb he exploded on you!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Katy9 said:


> The lie detector had 4 questions - if he had met any of the women in the past year for sex, if he had physical sexual contact that I didn’t know of (he admitted to a lap dance) in the past year, if he had sexual intercourse with anybody besides me in the past year and if he had ever physically cheated on me during our marriage. He was hesitant to include the last one but was pretty confident about the others.


 @Katy9 How did it go? How are you?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

What’s the plan now... with the marriage?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

If you hadn't discovered what you did, he'd still be doing it. That's the sad truth. As so many of these stories go on like this, here...the wayward spouse (and even if nothing happened, he wanted it to, which is why he was ''shopping") begs and pleads to remain in the marriage. I never quite understand why betrayed spouses find such nonsense to be genuine. 

The fact that your husband doesn't want to divorce, doesn't mean that he wants to stay married, either. He wants the best of both worlds, and I would personally leave. 

Whatever you choose, stay or leave - do it for the right reasons. Not out of fear.


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## Katy9 (Nov 22, 2019)

Thank you all for checking on me. I'm ok though still confused. Stopped MC - it was not helping. He has been to a couple of IC - seems to be liking it and from what he has told me, the counselor seems to be good. I'm giving R a careful, tentative shot. Had some days worse than others but still hanging in there for now.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Katy9 said:


> About 2 months ago, I discovered my husband of 23 years has been texting several prostitutes in our city and has several dating profiles on cheating and regular dating sites too, where he claimed to be separated/divorced.
> 
> *He claims all this started only after a particularly nasty argument we had, after which i had with drawn from him and there was barely any intimacy. *
> 
> ...


The trust in your marriage has been betrayed. You get to figure out what you want to do and what you are capable of doing.

After you found out, he appears to have jumped through all the flaming hoops you set for him.

When you set down the conditions, what was his expectation to providing you with all you asked for? Did he expect a "fair shot" at reconciliation if he passed your tests? You may want to think about what you were implying with your tests.

You might want to do some introspection on your relationship with your H. In particular, what was your role in the nasty argument? That is were you part of the problem or just a blameless victim. The reason I ask was that when I was in a sex starved marriage, I felt like the victim because my wife refused to have sex with me. Ultimately I figured out that I was part of the problem, not the whole problem, but to heal our marriage I came to learn that I was partly responsible and needed to change the way I treated her.

You might also be part of the problem in your relationship, but his solution is not appropriate.

Good luck. You get to choose what you want to do, but make sure you understand your motives.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Hi, Katy,
Very sorry for what you are going through. It is the worst. 

If he still has the same phone you can get programs that recover deleted texts. I would pursue this. I would also look into what kind of apps he has on his phone that he may used to communicate. 

Recovery is a long road.


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## Katy9 (Nov 22, 2019)

Young at Heart said:


> The trust in your marriage has been betrayed. You get to figure out what you want to do and what you are capable of doing.
> 
> After you found out, he appears to have jumped through all the flaming hoops you set for him.
> 
> ...



Our marriage was not perfect but never in a million years did I think either of us would actively look outside of it. There was neglect and taking for granted on both sides, but overall we were happy for the most part.

The argument itself started with a trivial matter - I felt neglected at a family function (his) and went to my car. He followed, we argued, I was crying, he made crying sounds but there were no tears and I pointed that out. He felt I mocked his feelings and hit me. It wasn't the first time and I had told him that if it ever happened again I was done. So I told him that, repeatedly, also in front of his sister and Uncle. But I didn't leave. He made little conciliatory gestures but there was no full-blown apology which I was waiting for. He had always been the one to make up after an argument and this time he stuck to his guns. I felt justified in sticking to mine. We grew distant. I was not intimate with him but it was not like he was pushing very hard either. But he still acted like he was trying to get things back on track - bringing me flowers, planning vacations, being affectionate, taking pictures of us together, posting them on social media etc. all while texting *****s and creating dating/cheating profiles behind my back.

I do not believe I'm faultless, but I also do not believe I made him cheat. I was suffering the same way he was or worse but I did not cheat or deceive him in any way.


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## Katy9 (Nov 22, 2019)

Rick Blaine said:


> Hi, Katy,
> Very sorry for what you are going through. It is the worst.
> 
> If he still has the same phone you can get programs that recover deleted texts. I would pursue this. I would also look into what kind of apps he has on his phone that he may used to communicate.
> ...


That phone is long gone - destroyed. I did try at the time of discovery but probably picked the wrong program - was not able to see anything. He did have several questionable apps which I was able to see from his purchase history.

Recovery is a long, tough road indeed - I do not believe I will ever be the same again.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Why in God's name would you want to go through the hell of reconciliation with a man who thinks its ok to hit you?? Hell, he gave you an out with this whole disgusting cheating thing, you should take it and run.


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## Katy9 (Nov 22, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> Why in God's name would you want to go through the hell of reconciliation with a man who thinks its ok to hit you?? Hell, he gave you an out with this whole disgusting cheating thing, you should take it and run.


He doesn't think it is ok - he has apologized and taken steps to improve himself in this regard. It was more poor impulse control - not that that excuses anything or makes it acceptable in any form. In my mind, my original, dysfunctional and flawed marriage is over. He has committed to an entirely fresh relationship and seems to be working towards it as well. If I did not believe that, I would not be staying. It might be hopium I'm smoking, but for now I do believe we have a shot. And "Young at Heart"'s post does make sense to me. Even though I do not take any responsibility for what he did, I do have a part in what the old marriage had become.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Just a bunch of excuses because you want to stay put. Of course you have contributed to some of the issues, as we all do in our partnerships. But you you delusional if you think he has had some epiphany and that things will be different. I give it a month. This man is a waste of your time and emotion. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Katy9 said:


> He doesn't think it is ok - he has apologized and taken steps to improve himself in this regard. It was more poor impulse control - not that that excuses anything or makes it acceptable in any form. In my mind, my original, dysfunctional and flawed marriage is over. He has committed to an entirely fresh relationship and seems to be working towards it as well. If I did not believe that, I would not be staying. It might be hopium I'm smoking, but for now I do believe we have a shot. And "Young at Heart"'s post does make sense to me. Even though I do not take any responsibility for what he did, I do have a part in what the old marriage had become.


Either you're pulling our leg because you're making excuses for this lying, cheating, ABUSIVE piece of wet garbage, or you're just so damaged at this point that you don't even realize how dysfunctional your situation actually is.

And yes, you're in Hopium OVERDRIVE, desperately clinging to your abuser like grim death and coming up with all kinds of pathetic reasons and excuses for the *unacceptable,* just so you can stay with this POS at all costs. Mr. Wonderful will eventually show his true colors, AGAIN, and you'll be treated to more of his bull**** sure as the sun rises each morning. And sadly, once again, you'll keep those blinders on no matter what and make new excuses for the STILL unacceptable.

You were once a victim of this man, but no longer. You are now a *volunteer*.

Good luck to you. You'll need it.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> Just a bunch of excuses because you want to stay put. Of course you have contributed to some of the issues, as we all do in our partnerships. But you you delusional if you think he has had some epiphany and that things will be different. I give it a month. This man is a waste of your time and emotion.


You're generous.

I give Mr. Wonderful 10 days or less to show the OP, *yet again*, what an abusive lying sack of dog-**** he really is.

I'll wait.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Katy9 said:


> About 2 months ago, I discovered my husband of 23 years has been texting several prostitutes in our city and has several dating profiles on cheating and regular dating sites too, where he claimed to be separated/divorced.
> 
> He claims all this started only after a particularly nasty argument we had, after which i had with drawn from him and there was barely any intimacy.
> 
> ...


While I would share you concern, and also say that there is never a reason for a spouse to cheat, I disagree with your methods of conflict resolution. I do not think there is ever a circumstance where two people who are married and live in the same house should withdraw from each other to the point where it lasts more than 24 hours. It causes a lot of people to become emotionally unstable and nobody can predict what they might do till they have done it. 

Now it sounds like you have had two problems when you could have just had the one that caused you to fight and ended there. You are blessed that he did not meet any of the prostitutes but you really need now to sit down and talk frankly about it. Why did he think of prostitutes instead of putting more energy in resolving the issues you were having? Was it because you would not meet him half way? 

If he has such a strong fantasy about prostitutes, how are you going to help him with it? 

How differently are you going to resolve issues next time now that you have seen things can escalate? The emotional and physical separation clearly does not solve anything. 

That said I personally would believe the polygraph test due to two reasons:
1 he was willing to take it
2 He actually passed it.

The question "What do we do from here? " should be the main one if I were in your shoes. The finger pointing would stop and the confidence building would start


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## Katy9 (Nov 22, 2019)

This is so tough - such conflicting opinions and advice on the thread. I'm seeing a counselor in a few days - hopefully, I will be able to process some of the muddled mess that is my head right now.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Abusers rarely change, and only when they put forth an enormous amount of effort through intense counseling and diligence.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Katy9 said:


> This is so tough - such conflicting opinions and advice on the thread. I'm seeing a counselor in a few days - hopefully, I will be able to process some of the muddled mess that is my head right now.


Read through and pick out what you know to be true. Set the rest aside for now.



bandit.45 said:


> Abusers rarely change, and only when they put forth an enormous amount of effort through intense counseling and diligence.


The only exception I have seen to this is when someone has a spiritual epiphany or when someone realizing they have a problem when they are young and really make an effort for change and growth throughout their lives. In the case of someone who is intent on growth, that would be expected from someone like that, but for someone who has no self-awareness and blames everything on others or makes excuses, those people do not change. They usually get worse as they continue to deepen their dysfunction.


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## kettle (Oct 28, 2016)

Katy9 said:


> Does anyone believe a man is capable of just "shopping" but not "buying"?


I do believe some men are capable of window shopping and not buying. I saw that in the military alot. There were those like me who paid for sex. However, I several friends who would not pay just admired them. I would say they were in the minority though. IMO most, not all, of the men I know who looked at prostitutes eventually paid for the. However, it took some longer to get to that point than others.


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## Katy9 (Nov 22, 2019)

kettle said:


> I do believe some men are capable of window shopping and not buying. I saw that in the military alot. There were those like me who paid for sex. However, I several friends who would not pay just admired them. I would say they were in the minority though. IMO most, not all, of the men I know who looked at prostitutes eventually paid for the. However, it took some longer to get to that point than others.


Thank you.


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## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

I don't know how good my input is but I do understand being married to someone for 23 years and having no trust. I also understand the torment of going to a site like this and all the different advice as well how the advice is delivered- sometimes rough.

1. Your husband hit you- you need to at least separate and protect yourself on that alone immediately. THERE IS NO EXCUSE ALLOWED FOR THAT. I can assure you I have been extremely angry at my wife for what she has done but hitting her has NEVER crossed my mind

2. If you have to use a lie detector on someone you have been married to for a long time that in itself is a red flag. You should be in a more comfortable state at that point in your marriage.

3. Look at your own time table. It started with him lying about improving on top of the most abusive thing he could do. You threatened to leave but didn't. Now he again is promising improvement with your threats. He never fixed the first problems but has now added to them and you're scared- understandably- and still just threatening. He is basically calling your bluff unfortunately.

4. The problem with a site like this and the state of mind you are in is that you will always cling to one thing somebody posts because it's what you want to hear. You will not see all the other good advice you are getting because some of it comes attached to a 2x4 which doesn't help when you are already hurting and you're scared of the change that happens when a long term marriage ends.

Your gut led you here because you know something is wrong. You have been married too long to be having to deal with this. He has yet to tell you the truth or improve in a long period of time. Find a support group church or otherwise so you can talk face to face with people dealing with what you're dealing with. Get away from him now and go to family or friends so you can think more clearly. There is no excuse for hitting


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## Katy9 (Nov 22, 2019)

Thanks all. I live far from family (different country) and have really no one to talk to face to face. I did start individual counseling last week. i would not be comfortable discussing details in person in a group setting.

Let's take a poll - options:

A - I'm setting myself up for hurt again.
B - There is a chance I can save our marriage.

Would appreciate if you can add your gender and age range to the response. Thanks.


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## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

Your setting yourself up for hurt again. Male- 50. Finally divorcing someone I gave excuses for over 25 years.

In your time frame you gave he is no different now then in the beginning- he isn't changing. A persons past actions is the best predictor of their future actions.

Being hit is no deal situation. Everything after that only strengthens he has no intent on remorse or change


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Katy9 said:


> Thanks all. I live far from family (different country) and have really no one to talk to face to face. I did start individual counseling last week. i would not be comfortable discussing details in person in a group setting.
> 
> Let's take a poll - options:
> 
> ...


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## custommultirotor (Feb 13, 2018)

I'll say this and then leave it as is. No Lady, or man deserves to be cheated on. Period. Once a person cheats, that's it, game over. They will say all you want to hear, but in reality, if they die it once, they will so it again. They see now that you will forgive them for it. It's as if you give them a license to do it. I'm a man, and never have understood the way most men think. It's as if they think their going to find the GOLDEN WhoHa or something. I mean really. Come on, why cheat when you have someone at home to get sex from? I dont get it, never been a cheater, and never will be one. I'm old school I guess. But I promise you this. You guys may stay together a year or so longer by trying to struggle through it, but you will get divorced. Once someone cheats that's it. You can forgive all you want, but you never forget and that makes you view the person differently. I wish you the best. but dont waste time with this loser. Get a divorce and find the man that will respect you for the Lady you are and will love you and only you. Guys who think like me are out here. I promise you that. Dont know how to be sure if a guy is one of us. Go out with a guy and see how long he takes to try having sex with you. A real man will want to wait as well. He will want to know you for who you are first. If they try on the first date or so, then they do that with Every woman. Best of luck, Cheers!! RL

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