# Jackal & Hyde



## ang (Nov 21, 2011)

Hi guys
I am new to this forum, but after reading some of the threads wanted to see if any one could advise me, as i am at a point were i no longer what is what any more Befor i start guys, i just wanted to say i am dyslexic and my spelling is a nightmare especially when i am stressed That and i am blonde :lol:

Any way not quite sure were to start to be honest as never posted on a forum befor. It maybe a long one, so apologise in advance.

I have been married for almost twenty years. We are what some call child hood sweet hearts. We have three children and a very up and down relationship . About a year ago, my OH stopped washing, shaving and ate very little It was heart wrenching to watch as he just slowly deteriated in front of my eyes and their was little i could do about it. He had been given deppressents in the past but never had i quite scene him this bad.

Relationship wise, we have always had some what of a love hate relationship. We are both stubborn creatures, and i take things said quite personally which sometimes is a bad thing, as find it really hard to let things go. My OH confuses me so much as all though we have been married for so long, i never quite no what is going through his mind as he very rarely talks about how he feels. Were as me, i have always been open and pretty much wear my heart on my sleeve. Any way befor we found out he had clinical depretion, he had always struggled to sleep. From being very young he was told he was an insomniac and given sleeping tablets to try and help, all of which never did. At one point he was so bad that it use to really upset me as he never came to bed with me, he was always on the pc and sex for quite a while became a thing of the past. This had huge effects on my self esteem, because i couldnt understand why he wasnt interested. 

He also would go to the pub quite allot and then one night after a huge row, which i have no idea what was over, he stopped out and didnt return till the following afternoon. This was totally out of character. Any way after that he never wnt to that pub again and for a while things seemed to be ok. But you never new what person you were going to get. What i mean by that is, one minute he would be loving and caring and the next he would shout and be horrable. He also would pull me up on if i spelt something wrong or use a word in the wrong context. He would turn things round when he had done something and make me feel like it was my own fault. We also argued quite allot and although we both would be quite person in what we said, he would say things that i use to think, how can you love some one and yet be so cruel.

Well to cut a long story short, he was diagnosed with clinical depretion. He also was spending more time away from home which added to the arguments. But then the more upset i became the more he would go out. Then i found him with some one, or i thought i did and was made to feel like i was looing the plot and all in my head. Sadly it wasnt as i found them together a few weeks later. The worst part of it all was after it felt like i was in the wrong as he was horrable to me and even family were funny with me, which was beyond me when i hadnt done anything wrong. He said he didnt love me, blamed me, 

Afterwards i felt like my whole world had fallen apart as if some one had died, i couldnt cope with my own head space We spent some time apart and then he tried to take his life. We found out some time after that the person i found him with had actually broken many a family up and my OH felt like he had been abused or used for the want of a better word. We went to counciling and for a while things were better than they ever had been. But all changed and we started arguing over silly things again, i felt lonely and as though he didnt care. If some one had upset me or something such like he would end up having an argument with me rather than showing support. Sex seem's to have become a thing of the past, but that is me and him at the moment as i feel like a wall is between us at the moment and because we have more ups than downs feel not interested. Any way once again we have had another row over something silly and i told him to leave as had done in the past and tonight he has gone. Normally i am the one to run after him, but this time i havent. I no we are both not very good at the moment and we have loads of financial stuff going on but i really dont no what to do anymore for the best as it seems to be deja vu. I love him and cant imagine life without him, i just feel like sometimes he treats me like his daughter rather than his wife and has little respect for me and that he doesnt love me because if he did he would support me and be there for me when i am at my lowest. His friend didnt help as told me they had spoken and when asked why he was with me replied because of the kids. When i asked him about this, he was first cross that his friend had said something, said he must have been drunk, didnt remember, but then said did he fancy me, why would he say that to me and that it was to shut him up as was always going on about things that he didnt want to talk about. We have talked and he has said that when he slept with that person he has no idea why, it wasnt planned at all and that afterwords he was so horrable as tried to push me away as felt i deserved better. He has said he loves me, but then we end up back to the same, arguing and then fine. Any ideas would be great if you can as i am at a point were as much as i love him something has got to give. I am no angel and certainly not the easiest to live with but all i have ever done is loved him x


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Sounds like he's bipolar.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Everyone always wants to throw bipolar out. He actually sounds more like me...if he is, you have my sympathies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ang (Nov 21, 2011)

Can you tell me what you mean x


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Ang, welcome to the TAM forum. I agree with Pidge. The behaviors you describe -- verbal abuse, black-white thinking (flipping in ten seconds from loving you to hating you), emotional instability, suicide attempt, depression, and blaming you for all misfortunes -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. Because Pidge has that disorder and has been learning to manage the traits in therapy, she is extremely knowledgeable about it. 

These traits are easy to spot because we all occasionally exhibit all nine BPD traits, albeit at a low level if we are healthy. We therefore know what they look and feel like. Indeed, everyone exhibits such traits at a strong level 24/7 in childhood. They become a problem in adulthood only when they are so strong as to undermine a person's marriage and other LTRs. 

Significantly, only a professional can determine whether your H's traits are so severe and persistent that they meet 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD. Yet, even when the traits fall well short of that diagnostic level, they can make your life miserable and undermine your marriage. I therefore encourage you to read about BPD traits to see if most of them sound very familiar. If not, your H may suffer from another PD.

If you want to read a book about BPD, the #1 best-selling book (targeted to spouses like you) is _Stop Walking on Eggshells._ I caution that your H's behavior cannot be a strong pattern of BPD traits if those traits disappeared entirely for several years. Because such traits are persistent (when untreated), they typically are absent only for the length of the infatuation during courtship. After that, you should have been seeing the red flags (e.g., verbal abuse) at least every few weeks. A temper tantrum, for example, typically is triggered in less than a minute and lasts several hours. 

For a brief overview of these traits, I suggest you read my post in MaybeItsMe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that discussion rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you or point you to good online resources. Take care, Ang.


----------



## Ello1012 (Oct 26, 2011)

1.) he needs to stop taking medication that doesnt help his activity. feed him good food, the right food..fancy him, touch him(with his permission), be normal, natural do good things, stay away from the bad things if you can. don't drink, don't take drugs (Im not accusing you of doing any of this nor him) But in reality drugs can make people/ situations worse. tell him tot ake off his glasses if he wears them, relax and be yourself ina godo way, natural. In reality good things should happen if you do good things, I hope great thinsg happen to you hun. peace!LoL:!0 Be PAtient...and dont have an affair, it be terrible if he had one against you hun.peace!loL!:0 (Divorce si always an option ebautiful. Bye!Lol!


----------

