# Need women's advice and men if they have been here.



## Danielk (Feb 19, 2013)

I've been dating a woman for almost a year. We're both going through a divorce and both have 2 kids. She has met my kids but she still hasn't even told her kids about me. I only met her family a couple of months ago and she says the reason she hasn't told her kids about me is because her husband won't deal with it and it will mean their divorce is final in her kids eyes. I want the relationship to move forward but she won't even tell me when I might meet the kids.

I'm wondering if this means maybe she is not fully committed even though she says she is, but she seems to be putting her husband before me even after almost a year of being together.

I am new to this so I don't know if I have given enough information.

Thank you.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

It could be that she's just being cautious for her children's sakes... Or it could be because she thinks it might hurt her in the divorce proceedings. Hard to say without knowing her... I think it's great that you want to meet her children and be a part of their lives! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AshS (Jan 11, 2013)

YinPrincess said:


> It could be that she's just being cautious for her children's sakes... Or it could be because she thinks it might hurt her in the divorce proceedings. Hard to say without knowing her... I think it's great that you want to meet her children and be a part of their lives!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree...She probably is trying to protect her children & it definitely seems to be more acceptable for guys to date during their divorce than woman. I wouldn't take it as her putting her stbxh before you. She's thinking about what is best for her kids.


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## Danielk (Feb 19, 2013)

Thank you.

I don't know, she hasn't even been to see a lawyer or taken any steps towards getting a divorce. She lives with her mum and her mum looks after her kids so we could see each other during the week but she never wants to see me and only sees me when her H has the kids.

She's now told me she thinks the kids might be ready to know about me but she doesn't want to tell them until her H is ready and asks me why I keep on about it when I should be thinking long term, not short term.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

From what you have said, you are not dating a woman going through a divorce. There is not divorce filed. You are having an affair with a married woman.

She says that she is separated from her husband and living with her mother. How sure are you of this? Have you been to her mother's? Have you met the mother?

We have had plenty of cases here in which someone just makes up all kinds of lies about this. Sometimes it turns out that they are still living wiht their spouse and the spouse has no idea that they are having an affair.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Daniel, you are dating an unavailable woman. She's still married. You are a hidden secret. Is this what you want out of a relationship?


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## Danielk (Feb 19, 2013)

I have met her mother, I have stayed the night there when her H had their kids.

The house belongs to her and her H and her mum lives there and looks after her kids. She always says she can't see me during the week, even after the kids are asleep, even though her mum is there.

We spend every second weekend together when her H has her kids but its almost been a year and I'm starting to get confused. She says she wants to spend her life with me and wants us all to live together with her kids as a family so I don't understand why she hasn't taken any steps to end her marriage apart from her H moving out. I have introduced her to my family and my kids.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Take a step out of your situation for a moment. If this was happening to a friend of yours, what would you tell him to do? What advice would you give him?


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Danielk said:


> I have met her mother, I have stayed the night there when her H had their kids.
> 
> The house belongs to her and her H and her mum lives there and looks after her kids. She always says she can't see me during the week, even after the kids are asleep, even though her mum is there.
> 
> We spend every second weekend together when her H has her kids but its almost been a year and I'm starting to get confused. She says she wants to spend her life with me and wants us all to live together with her kids as a family so I don't understand why she hasn't taken any steps to end her marriage apart from her H moving out. I have introduced her to my family and my kids.


She could be SAYING all of these things simply to keep you around while she waits to see what happens in her marriage. Doesn't matter if you've met her family, friends and everyone else connected to her. She could have painted her husband black to all of them, gaining support to have you around while keeping the possibility for reconciling open.

The thing is, this could also not be true but there is a simple question you can ask yourself to solve this.

Are you okay with what's going on?


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

No offense, but you've given a very persuasive argument for waiting until after divorce to date. Even with the best intentions problems can arise very easily. You've been dating a year and you've had another man involved, in some capacity, for the entire relationship. 

I wish you the best but you need to be prepared to move on if it doesn't work out.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Going through a divorce isn't the same as divorced. It' means "married". Regardless of what the truth is, if her kids get to meet you at this juncture, they are going to likely see you as the reason their parents aren't together. Doing the right thing in the wrong way or at the wrong time is as bad as doing the wrong thing.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

How old are the kids? Yours and hers?

Does anyone know if the ages would make a difference?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Also, depending on the ages of the kids, it may be late once they are in bed. If she is working, she might not want to go out late. I wouldn’t.

There could be any number of reasons why she doesn’t want to introduce you to the kids. The ones I can think of have already been covered.

But I would be wondering why the divorce isn’t moving forward. have you asked her?


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## Danielk (Feb 19, 2013)

Thank you for all your comments. It feels good to be able to talk about it.

Her husband knows she's dating me. He's known from the start and she tells me he's goes from being angry to ok but she says he tells her he's still in love with her. She said if it wasn't for me she would've stayed with him.

Her kids are 10 and 6. A while ago she was saying she was waiting for her kids to be ready to know about me, and when they were she would tell her H she was going to tell them even if he wasn't ready, now she's saying she wants to talk to him and see if he's ready and maybe wait till he is.

I have asked her why she hasn't started the divorce proceedings, or even gone to a lawyer and when she will and when they will start talking about dividing their things because she hasn't done that either, she won't really give me a reason, she just keeps saying I'm looking at the short term and I should be looking at the long term. I know it's not easy bringing two families together but sometimes I feel like if she really wanted to spend her life with me she would have at least started to end her marriage. At the start she was all ready to end her marriage and start a life with me, we talked about buying a house and maybe buying a place for her mum and getting married, but a year later, nothings really changed.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Why don't you bow out of these people's marriage and give them a chance to either fix it or put the dog to sleep....without the contaminating influence of your presence? If the marriage dissolves, it won't be because you helped break it up.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Danielk said:


> Thank you for all your comments. It feels good to be able to talk about it.
> 
> Her husband knows she's dating me. He's known from the start and she tells me he's goes from being angry to ok but she says he tells her he's still in love with her. She said if it wasn't for me she would've stayed with him.
> 
> ...


Exactly what part of divorced is she? Do they even have a legal separation? 

She won’t give you a reason for not moving on things. She then tries to shift the focus away from the question by saying that you are looking at the short-term. The short-term hasn’t changed in a year. What makes you think thinks will look different a year from now?


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Danielk said:


> Thank you for all your comments. It feels good to be able to talk about it.
> 
> Her husband knows she's dating me. He's known from the start and she tells me he's goes from being angry to ok but she says *he tells her he's still in love with her. She said if it wasn't for me she would've stayed with him.*
> 
> ...


You're pretty scared of being alone aren't you? It's very clear after reading this post as it's very revealing for both sides. You're actually Plan B and you think you're Plan A because you believe WORDS over ACTIONS and make EXCUSES for it all. She made this very clear by directly telling you that if it wasn't 'for you' that she would be back 'with him'. In reality, she's waiting to see that one big change from her husband and then you're as good as gone. Yet, keep you strung along just enough so that if it doesn't work out with Plan A .. oh hey look! Plan B is still kicking around dust balls. 

That little part of you that's telling you "Hey Danielk, it's been a year and this hasn't changed .. this ain't right" is actually right. Yet, you keep telling it to shut up and think it will just go away. It won't and it doesn't.

Telling you to think of the long term is a distraction to avoid the short term, the 'short term' in what she is referring to would be the 'now'. She doesn't want you focusing on the now because quite frankly .. what's going on is complete bullsh!t. She's talking about marriage when she's not even starting the divorce proceedings in her current one, for anyone with a healthy sense of self, that's a huge red flag. It's one thing to have the divorce pretty much over and it's dragging (using this as an example) but to not even have assets divided yet? It's the "Plan B Fantasy".

Also, wanting to be personally ready to tell the children that "mom will be seeing someone else" is understandable for a while, but it's a complete joke to want to wait to make sure her husband is ready. Who cares? Why would it matter? It's a life change for the children, not for her ex who has nothing more to do with her other than to co-parent.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Danielk said:


> Thank you for all your comments. It feels good to be able to talk about it.


How do you know that her husband knows she is dating you? Have you spoken to him? Or is she telling you this?



Danielk said:


> Her husband knows she's dating me. He's known from the start and she tells me he's goes from being angry to ok but she says he tells her he's still in love with her. She said if it wasn't for me she would've stayed with him.


She is not divorce or getting a divorce. She’s is still married. From this is sounds like she cannot decide what she wants so she has both you and her husband. Lucky woman.. two men to meet her needs. Why would she give that up? She’d be foolish. 

You are in the middle of their marriage. Since she said that she would have stayed with him. Did you start dating while they were still living together? As I said earlier, you are having an affair with married women. You are in the middle of their marriage trying to break it up.


Danielk said:


> Her kids are 10 and 6. A while ago she was saying she was waiting for her kids to be ready to know about me, and when they were she would tell her H she was going to tell them even if he wasn't ready, now she's saying she wants to talk to him and see if he's ready and maybe wait till he is.


So she has two young children and you what to break up their family. Why are you so willing to cause this kind of harm to children? 

You need to be careful here. These children are going to find out that you were their mother’s affair partner. You broke up their family. They will most likely hate you. Most children don’t even need that as an excuse to not like their step parents. If you ever marry her and have a blended family with her, her kids will most likely make your life hell.



Danielk said:


> I have asked her why she hasn't started the divorce proceedings, or even gone to a lawyer and when she will and when they will start talking about dividing their things because she hasn't done that either, she won't really give me a reason, she just keeps saying I'm looking at the short term and I should be looking at the long term.


She does not give you a reason for not getting a divorce? It’s easy to figure out. People do what they want to do. She does not want a divorce. She’s happy having both you and her husband. She will hold on to the two of you as long as she can. For some people it’s fun and fulfilling to have two partners fighting over them. It makes them feel like they are very special.



Danielk said:


> I know it's not easy bringing two families together but sometimes I feel like if she really wanted to spend her life with me she would have at least started to end her marriage. At the start she was all ready to end her marriage and start a life with me, we talked about buying a house and maybe buying a place for her mum and getting married, but a year later, nothings really changed.


Not it’s not easy brining two families together. The very worst thing she could do is to take her children from their family of origin and immediately move in with another man. The kids are going to be so confused. And have no doubt they will most likely blame you for this.
You are not even divorced yet. And here you are trying to bring your children into a new ‘family’ when your divorce is not even signed yet.

It’s a year later and you cannot marry her either because you are not divorced either. 

Since you did not answer the question, I assume you have not met her mother and you don’t really know where she is living.
By the way, as soon as a guy starts telling me that he’s going to buy my mom a house… I would really worry about him. Why would he do that? It’s a pipe dream that some men try to suck a woman in. Now you might have good intentions but it does not sound good. It sounds like the kind of thing someone promises then says later that they were just talking. The reason I bring this up is that this affair you are in seems to be based on several fantasies. Some day you will be divorce. Someday her husband will be ready for to file for divorce. Some day she might be ready for divorce. Some day she might tell her children. Some day you might buy her mother a house.

Affairs are built on fantasies. Because of this only about 3% of them ever turn into long term relationships. You would do yourself a huge favor by moving on, finalizing your divorce and then dating women who are actually available.

I’m not trying to beat you up here. I’m trying to get you to see what’s really going on. You are in an extramarital affair.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Going through a divorce isn't the same as divorced. It' means "married".


I wish my WAW understood that. Thinks its fine to start seeing another man as soon as she dropped the D-bomb - another man who had clearly been hovering in the background all that time. 

And yes, my kids are very angry with her for that.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Danielk said:


> I've been dating a woman for almost a year. We're both going through a divorce and both have 2 kids. She has met my kids but she still hasn't even told her kids about me. I only met her family a couple of months ago and she says the reason she hasn't told her kids about me is because her husband won't deal with it and it will mean their divorce is final in her kids eyes. I want the relationship to move forward but she won't even tell me when I might meet the kids.
> 
> I'm wondering if this means maybe she is not fully committed even though she says she is, but she seems to be putting her husband before me even after almost a year of being together.
> 
> ...


I'm not sure about her feelings but I do know she's doing the right thing by her kids for now.
I just finished having to look into all this ugly [email protected] myself because of my own situation.
The kids can wait , the longer the better and that's what your suppose to do.

They already have enough to cope with and intro'ing someone new too early is really really damaging to their healing and messes them up even more.

She's doing the right thing by her kids and their dad to in a way. If my ex was this smart well, lets just say last week wouldn't have happened. Your suppose to wait at least a year even two yrs is highly recommended.

They also stress that any new relationship needs at least a yr even two before you really know what you have for real anyway. So you don't mess your kids up until you do and they are ready.


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## Danielk (Feb 19, 2013)

Thank you Daddio, what you wasn't easy to read and I've read it a number of times. It's hard for me to admit, but you might be right... I just don't understand when she seems to love me so much when we're together and everything she says. But like you said what she says doesn't match her actions. I never thought of her telling me to look long term as a distraction, I took it as her wanting to be with me long term.

Thank you EleGirl, I know you're not trying to beat me up. I did mention that I have met her mum in a previous post. I have stayed there the night once when her H had the kids.
We started dating after he moved out. I would never want to break up a marriage or a family, but she has told me she wants to spend her life with me. Again I guess that's a sign of me believing her words over her actions.
I have never spoken to her H, she has told me he knows about us.

As I said I would never want to break up a marriage, and I didn't think I was as we started dating after he moved out and she has told me she wants to be with me. But then I read what you guys are saying and also what I have said.... I need to work out what to say to her.

The honesty here it brutal, but it's good.


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## Danielk (Feb 19, 2013)

I can't stop thinking about what you all have said about my situation. I don't know what to do and I every time I think maybe you guys are wrong, and that she does love me and wants to spend her life with me, I then think about what you've all said and I wonder am I a sucker that's being taken advantage of.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Daddio nailed it in his post. 

It's been a year. You're in a holding pattern. The H is not going to move on the divorce and the W is not taking actionable steps. You're her lover and not her partner at this point. If you two are going to be partners then you need to confront these issues head-on. She's avoiding them.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Saying that you're being "taken advantage of" is victim speak, like you don't have a choice in the situation. You do, but reality is hard to face and sometimes what needs to be done isn't easy.

The thing is, you both are getting your own "something" out of this, determining if yours is right for you is the key.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

She's stringing you along.

You are not getting the whole truth from her.

Dump her & move on
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Daniel,

I have been divorced for about a year, have a 4 yr old son and been seeing a guy for 10 months ( he has 2 sons as well 4 and 5). We have only begun to entertain the idea of meeting each other children in the next few months. I only see him when either my family or exh watches my son. I am very cautious to make sure that no one enters my sons life unless its very serious. So from that standpoint, I would not be concerned. However the fact that she hasn't actually filed for divorce yet, that's a big red flag.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I'm the wrong person to give advice.. but I think you need to force her hand.

If you have read any of my thread you will see that I am terrible for letting go of someone that I love dearly.

In your situation I would probably be doing the same as you.. mostly out of my low self esteem issues. I think you have the same thing going on as me.

I can't let go of anyone that seems to care. 

This is tough.. but maybe the two of you should go to counseling together to get the truth out of her. If she wants you and not the husband she can tell it at the counselor. She would be a neutral third party and be more willing to tell her over you.

I'm terrible and would wait just like you.. but I'm pretty weak right now.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Daniel, 

I have a feeling you are preparing to confront her soon.

Am I right? If so, how have you prepared for this?


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

*Re: Re: Need women's advice and men if they have been here.*



tacoma said:


> She's stringing you along.
> 
> You are not getting the whole truth from her.
> 
> ...


She's pretty much told him the whole truth with her words and by her inaction. He can't read between the lines yet and determine what he is and isn't okay with.

I don't discredit her feelings towards him, but even if you love someone at times the best choice is to let them go.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

I understand the caution around bringing another person into the kids's lives. You want to make sure it is going to last so that you don't set them up for more heartbreak. However, she has told him that she wants to spend the rest of her life with him. You would think a person would be pretty sure of the stability of the relationship to do that. Yet she is still not introducing him to her children. And having telling him hinges on her H....I don't know....it seems suspicious. Maybe she does have a legitimate reason, but she needs to be more forthcoming.

Having said she wants a future with Daniel, but not having made a move to get there is definitely suspicious. Saying he is not looking at the big picture is evading the question. 

Maybe setting a timeline would help. Gently, but firmly, I love you but if there is no movement on D by _______ , I am done.

Sorry, Daniel. I know you love her and its hard to hear this, but based on what you have said, her non-action seems very suspicious. Try talking with her again, but if you don't get anywhere, set a timeline.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

*Re: Re: Need women's advice and men if they have been here.*



Danielk said:


> She said if it wasn't for me she would've stayed with him.


This is a HUGE RED FLAG! 

Think about it. She is telling you if you weren't in the picture she would be back with him. Why? There must still be something there and the fact that the H is telling her he still loves her is bad news also. And no divorce papers have been filed. 

A buddy of mine was in the same situation you are in. She used to tell him that if not for him she'd be back with the husband. He got tired of waiting and told her to take her time to make up her mind (he gave her space). What happened? 2 weeks later she got back with the H. 

You should be careful with how you proceed. Good luck.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Watch her actions, not words. I agree with FF.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

You are not in a good relationship, the very fact that you have these doubts should tell you that you need to do something about it. She did you no favors to get involved with you before she was divorced and even healed from that. You need a fully committed relationship, not one where you don’t know where you stand after a year. I’m sorry but I would tell you not to invest anymore time or emotions into this woman, it will only get harder.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

How are you Daniel?


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## Danielk (Feb 19, 2013)

I don't really know how I am, confused.

I asked her again why she keeps putting of seeing a lawyer and she said she wants to wait till she can get a mortgage to buy her H out. She's just started a new job and can't get a loan until her probation period is over and she didn't make it through her last probation period at her old job. The job and loan part is true, but I question why she has to wait 2 months to see a lawyer as well when it's already been so long. She could at least start the process and start getting everything in order. 

So now I need to decide if I wait and see what happens in a few months. I also asked about them dividing possessions etc and when they're doing that. She said she doesn't care about any of that stuff. I would think if she really doesn't care, then she couldn't done that by now as well...?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> She said if it wasn't for me she would've stayed with him.


Danielk:

How do you think the above quote is going to play out once you're actually married to her? Once you have the stress/strain of every day living together? Once you have sickness, and debt, and hormones, and disagreements, and 2 kids that aren't your bio children (you're not allowed to discipline them), etc.

Let me give you a hint....that unresolved love she still has for him (her first love? her children's father, etc.), it's ALL GONNA still be there. And she's still going to want him.

If you don't break things off NOW with this woman, I predict it will end badly FOR YOU...and it will also be harmful to your KIDS! 

This woman is NOT ready to marry ANYONE (aside from the fact that she's already married to the man she "would've stayed with")! What she is ready for is another piece of DANIEL CAKE! *She's a cake-eater*....you AND hubby (who's still telling her he "loves her"...and she's still LISTENING TO IT.)


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

All of this can be answered by her inaction of the past year and the one thing she said, "if it wasn't for you, I'd be with him"

As long as you are in the picture she's "happy" and doesn't really have to deal or wrap up her old life.

Waiting to tell the kids I understand, waiting a year to begin a divorce and still considering the exes feelings in regards to it. That's not right.

Also, you can ask the questions until you're blue in the face. The world is full of varieties when it comes to answers. Some deflect, others avoid, project, delay, accuse, excuse and so forth.

Why did she not pass probation previously?


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## Danielk (Feb 19, 2013)

She didn't get to the end of her probation in her last job because they no longer needed her.

I understand what all of you are saying about her saying if it wasn't for me she would've stayed with him, and everything about her actions verses her words. I really hope none of it is true, I just don't understand why she would ask her H to move out, tell him about me, introduce me to her family (apart from her kids), and let me introduce her to my kids if she didn't want to be with me. Maybe she doesn't know what she wants.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

Danielk said:


> Maybe she doesn't know what she wants.


Bingo. Got it in one.

Many people in relationship difficulties have no idea what they want. They know what they don't want (the current relationship in its current form) but they don't know what the want instead. Usually they don't even know what the options are. They certainly can't think clearly about it all and their judgement is clouded by all sorts of distorted thinking - "grass is always greener", an overly harsh and negative view of their current relationship and their current partner, not wanting to take responsibility for their contribution to the problems, etc.

So you may well be the "grass is always greener" option. That's the option that is preventing her from fixing her marriage. The fantasy that says "if only I got out of this damn marriage then my life would be perfect and all my problems would be solved". 

Are you going to solve all of her problems for her? No, I thought not. So why are you letting her believe that leaving her husband and getting together with you will do that for her?

I certainly know that there is no way that my marriage can ever get fixed whilst OM is in the background - and the whole thing fell apart in the first place because POSOM was hovering in the background with an EA that is becoming a PA. If you were my wife's OM I would want to punch you in the face right now and I would do everything humanly possible to get you out of her life and my life forever. He is, quite literally, a marriage wrecker. He probably thinks that he's done nothing wrong, that he provided a sympathetic shoulder to cry on when the marriage was in difficulties and that there is nothing wrong in getting romantically involved with my STBXW as soon as she declared that the marriage was over. But he's not the passive observer of our marriage that he thinks he is - he's the catalyst for it's destruction.

Is that what you are? Is that what you want to be? She won't tell you - you're going to have to work it out for yourself. My conscience certainly wouldn't let me be in your position, particularly not now that you have been here and seen things from the other side - the Left Behind Spouse's side.


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## Danielk (Feb 19, 2013)

No that's not who I am, and it's not who I want it to be. I feel sh*t thinking about it while reading your post.

I believed her when she tells me she wasn't happy and he didn't love her the way I did and that she wanted spend her life with me, I never thought of it the other way.

I don't have much else to say right now, taking it all in.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

Danielk said:


> No that's not who I am, and it's not who I want it to be. I feel sh*t thinking about it while reading your post.
> 
> I believed her when she tells me she wasn't happy and he didn't love her the way I did and that she wanted spend her life with me, I never thought of it the other way.
> 
> I don't have much else to say right now, taking it all in.


I'm sorry if I sounded harsh. I do believe that you entered into the relationship in good faith, not realising that your involvement was affecting the marriage and believing that she had made up her mind.

You were mistaken, but not bad or malicious in any way. An honest mistake, and it does you credit that not only have you come on here to educate yourself about what has been going on but you have also posted very honestly in a difficult forum for someone in your position. 

I hope you now know what to do and will do it. But that is for your good as well as the marriage. The marriage doesn't stand a chance with you around, but your relationship with her doesn't stand a chance either whilst the marriage is still ongoing. So back off, see what happens with the marriage, and if she decides that the marriage is at an end then perhaps you and she can have a fully functioning relationship thereafter.

And get right away from her. Don't hover in the background, as that is toxic for the marriage. Don't try to be her shoulder to cry on - that is an EA. And don't let her suck you back in - she will try hard to keep her Plan B. Have little or no contact, just tell her politely that until things are sorted out with her marriage you and she should have minimal (and preferably no) contact.

EDIT: One last thing. People tend to repeat relationship patterns. Look very carefully at what has happened in her marriage and ask yourself whether you have any good reason to believe that what has happened between her and H won't happen with you. "She really loves me and she didn't love him" is not a good enough answer - she loved him once the same as she loves you now, even if she now denies it.


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## Danielk (Feb 19, 2013)

Voltaire said:


> I'm sorry if I sounded harsh. I do believe that you entered into the relationship in good faith, not realising that your involvement was affecting the marriage and believing that she had made up her mind.
> 
> You were mistaken, but not bad or malicious in any way. An honest mistake, and it does you credit that not only have you come on here to educate yourself about what has been going on but you have also posted very honestly in a difficult forum for someone in your position.
> 
> ...


It was harsh but I need to hear it, that's why I came here, looking for advice. It's been hard reading the responses, especially knowing that I fall into the category of people who have hurt so many of you on here. I never ever wanted to to that to anyone, I'm not that kind of guy and don't like that kind of guy. I didn't realise I was until I came here.

You're right, I did enter the relationship in good faith and never realised I was affecting their marriage, I thought their marriage was already over and she had decided. 

I'm learning so many things and realising so many things the more I talk on here and the more I think about it.
I know what I need to do, I just think I need to take a few days to work out how and come to terms with it.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

Danielk said:


> It was harsh but I need to hear it, that's why I came here, looking for advice. It's been hard reading the responses, especially knowing that I fall into the category of people who have hurt so many of you on here. I never ever wanted to to that to anyone, I'm not that kind of guy and don't like that kind of guy. I didn't realise I was until I came here.
> 
> You're right, I did enter the relationship in good faith and never realised I was affecting their marriage, I thought their marriage was already over and she had decided.
> 
> ...


Good man. I admire your honesty and your determination to do the right thing. No-one can ask more of you than that.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Daniel. You cannot own her part in this, when it comes to her decisions and her family that is on her and her alone. What you own is your own actions or inactions.

Life is full of hard choices and littered with mistakes that if made aware of add building blocks to you, rather then tear you down.

We often count the things we will "miss out on" when it comes to situations we are at a crossroad with, trying to reason and weigh out the pros and cons of it all. Meanwhile the voice we bury 10 feet down (as it's still too loud at 6 feet) screams for us to face the truth.

Some things are worth taking a leap for, while others simply are not and that's okay.

Either way, what we bury will be dug up one day and it's quite the surprise to find that it hadn't decayed at all. It awaits for us flesh and bone, no different then when the dirt hit it for the first time.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Quoting Voltaire:

_The marriage doesn't stand a chance with you around, but your relationship with her doesn't stand a chance either whilst the marriage is still ongoing. So back off, see what happens with the marriage, and if she decides that the marriage is at an end then perhaps you and she can have a fully functioning relationship thereafter.

And get right away from her. Don't hover in the background, as that is toxic for the marriage. Don't try to be her shoulder to cry on - that is an EA. And don't let her suck you back in - she will try hard to keep her Plan B. Have little or no contact, just tell her politely that until things are sorted out with her marriage you and she should have minimal (and preferably no) contact._

As hard as it is to think about doing this, it is good advice. Let her know that you love her and that you are doing this for your relationship and for her. 

It may be that what she is telling you and what she is doing and not doing are a result of her confusion or it may honestly be how she sees things. It may also be that she is cake-eating. Whatever the reason, no relationship has a chance when there are three people in it.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

I agree with Volt and FF!


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

How ya doing?


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## Danielk (Feb 19, 2013)

Yeah I'm ok I guess. Angry at her, angry at myself, sad, confused.

My head is spinning and I just keep coming back and reading all the posts. Trying to work out how I feel.

As I've said, I never wanted to break up a marriage and I never thought I was, as she told me it was over and I truly believed she wanted to spend her life with me. But now after everything that's been said here I don't know if that's true.

I'm still working out what to say to her and how to say it.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

You didn't break up anything, so stop owning her part in it.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Daniel, 

The WORST thing you can do is think that you are at fault for the failing of her marriage. She was separated when you guys met, right? That means the marriage was already in big trouble. Use the advice here to make the best decision for YOU. I hate to see guys or girls blame themselves for stuff they didn't do. I'm guilty of it too. Don't know why people like to self punish. It's not right. 

Go out tonight. Do something to take your mind off this whole thing. 

You'll be alright.


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