# Brother-in-law keeps bringing his Political views to the dinner table



## Padawan22 (12 mo ago)

Hi all, I am new to this forum but I am hoping to find some good advice for my current situation.

I am married and have been with my husband for 13 years ( we have only been married 4). I spend a lot of time with my husband's family. Family is important to my husband but I have been feeling frustrated with certain people in the family. I don't feel that avoiding the family gatherings is the solution either. We often do things like meet up at Coco's on Sunday or spend dinner at a family members house.

My brother in-law has always been opinionated, especially about his views on politics. But lately ever since the pandemic started, it's been getting worse. Every time I see him, he finds a way to bring it his political views. I have already blocked him on social media because he would send me junk articles weekly, knowing it would be topics that will piss me off. I am growing very tired of it especially because he is not respectful even if I do engage in conversation about it. He doesn't seem to be interested in hearing my counter arguments. It's like he just wants to shove his views on everyone at any opportunity he gets and on any platform.

I am especially in a conundrum because many of the family members will often validate him and agree with his views (even if there is no credibility for it).
I do not have radically have different political views than my husband's family, but that doesn't mean I want to talk about politics every time I spend time with family. I am growing tired of talking about politics in general, but his family doesn't seem to think it's a problem.
I'm not really sure what to do to address this. I spoke with my mother in law and she basically dismissed my feelings and thinks I should not be so bothered by it.

Am I destined to years of just dealing with it? Or should I just try to make it known that I am not okay with it? I am just not sure what to do at this point.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You said you talked with his family about it but I am more interested in your conversation with your husband.

He should be able to understand your predicament and support you in some solutions for healthier boundaries with his brother.

A lot of families don't talk politics during get togethers for this very reason.

Him being allowed to force the conversation in that direction all the time would be tiresome for most.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

There is one solution.....limit your time with his family.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Padawan22 said:


> Hi all, I am new to this forum but I am hoping to find some good advice for my current situation.
> 
> I am married and have been with my husband for 13 years ( we have only been married 4). I spend a lot of time with my husband's family. Family is important to my husband but I have been feeling frustrated with certain people in the family. I don't feel that avoiding the family gatherings is the solution either. We often do things like meet up at Coco's on Sunday or spend dinner at a family members house.
> 
> ...


No, you're not locked into it. Many families responsibly and courteously state no politics in discussions if it's a problem.

If after a reminder, don't be afraid to ban him from the room.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

stop inviting him to dinner.

that is just rude, to impose your political views on people you know have different ones, while eating! it ruins the whole meal


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

This


Padawan22 said:


> family members will often validate him and agree with his views (even if there is no credibility for it).


Does not match with this.


Padawan22 said:


> I do not have radically have different political views than my husband's family,


But to give you advice for your situation. You wrote your entire post with out actually stating any political issue. Just do that with him. He thinks that the US isn't doing enough to document Martian immigrants. You think that that issue isn't relative to todays gathering.


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## Padawan22 (12 mo ago)

Mr. Nail said:


> This
> 
> Does not match with this.
> 
> ...


It doesn't really matter what the political issue is. He just likes to be an instigator. We actually agree on some issues but we definitely disagree on other issues. Regardless, it's a fight I'm not going to win and I'm tired of someone trying to push my buttons all the time.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Padawan22 said:


> It doesn't really matter what the political issue is. He just likes to be an instigator. We actually agree on some issues but we definitely disagree on other issues. Regardless, it's a fight I'm not going to win and I'm tired of someone trying to push my buttons all the time.


Thanks for the reply. So he is a pot stirrer, a troll, a lover of conflict. Well we know how to deal with them. We Don't feed trolls. As I learned young in life, if you don't enjoy the game, Don't play. Don't answer , don't engage, change the subject. Also are you sure you are being targeted? Or are you just defensive? I can't tell from here.


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## Padawan22 (12 mo ago)

I'm not always the target of this, he definitely has done that to my husband, his cousins, anyone really. I am often targeted because I am more left leaning on some issues and most of the family is right leaning, so obviously I am the easier target.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

What is the temperature of the room?

Are you the odd duck out who doesn't enjoy these conversations, or is there a ton of eye-rolling whenever your BIL starts up, but no one wants to slap him back?

My MIL would not tolerate any kind of political discussion at her house. 10 people around the dinner table enjoying a discussion - if she did not like the topic of conversation, of didn't like the conversation getting a little heated, she would shut it down. It was controlling and more than just a little annoying.

If on the other hand he's disrupting everyone's life, then someone needs to speak up, and it should be the person who dislikes it most (you, apparently) backed up by your husband. You are by virtue of marriage part of the family, with equal standing. 

If he is just picking on you, it's simple enough to not engage. When he starts in on you, just tell him you agree with everything he says and that you cannot think of anyone better suited to run the country exactly as he sees fit. Even if he is being a jerk, and even if no one is willing to do something about it, you can manage your internal reaction to it.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Is it safe to say, you wouldn't have an issue with him always bringing up politics if he shared your political views? I'll admit, I couldn't sit and listen to someone spew leftist jargon because I can't stand the left. I. Am centerist btw and maybe a bit right of center on a lot of issues.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Padawan22 said:


> Hi all, I am new to this forum but I am hoping to find some good advice for my current situation.
> 
> I am married and have been with my husband for 13 years ( we have only been married 4). I spend a lot of time with my husband's family. Family is important to my husband but I have been feeling frustrated with certain people in the family. I don't feel that avoiding the family gatherings is the solution either. We often do things like meet up at Coco's on Sunday or spend dinner at a family members house.
> 
> ...


Your house, your rules.
End of story. 

He doesn't have to be there if he cannot abide by your rules.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Cletus said:


> If he is just picking on you, it's simple enough to not engage. When he starts in on you, just tell him you agree with everything he says and that you cannot think of anyone better suited to run the country exactly as he sees fit. Even if he is being a jerk, and even if no one is willing to do something about it, you can manage your internal reaction to it.


Exactly! Then before he can utter another word, change the subject to sports. Even if you hate sports, just toss out "How about those Rams (your team, of course)". Glance at the sports page before leaving the house.Even the most die-hard, know-it-all richard will feel compelled to talk about sports. Unless, he's a weenie.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

jonty30 said:


> Your house, your rules.
> End of story.
> 
> He doesn't have to be there if he cannot abide by your rules.


It's not her house, though. It's sounds like they are meeting at Coco's ( whatever that is?) or a family member's house. She's not entitled to "make the rules" in those cases, nor kick him out so, not end of story.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Livvie said:


> It's not her house, though. It's sounds like they are meeting at Coco's ( whatever that is?) or a family member's house. She's not entitled to "make the rules" in those cases, nor kick him out so, not end of story.


Coco's house. Coco's rules.
If Coco allows discussions, it's allowed.

The best way to handle it otherwise is to engage yourself with other people and ignore offenders.
Another thing the @Padawan22 can do is just give an exaggerated, "Mmmmmm" to everything that is said and then claim to have heard a word if any feedback is expected.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Coco's is a restaurant like Denny's. They're pretty much shut down in California.

I would take my own vehicle to any of these gatherings and if husband didn't want to leave, just get up and go. There is no need to allow them to hold you hostage to their boring convos.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

I have a BIL like this except that he is a leftist. He is particularly nasty on social media and loves to push his views at family gatherings. People who do this are just disrespectful and it should not be tolerated. I solve the issue by removing myself from it. I blocked him on social media and limit family gatherings with him. When a Christmas gathering at his house erupted in a political argument between him and my mother, I reminded them that it was Christmas and this is not how family should treat on another. When it started in my house during Thanksgiving, I let it be known that that conversation was not welcome and they should take it elsewhere. I don't tolerate disrespect.

You don't mention how your husband reacts to this situation. Does he support you? Does he jump on the bandwagon. He should be protecting you from this situation with his family. If he's not, then your problem is with him, not your BIL.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> You said you talked with his family about it but I am more interested in your conversation with your husband.


Yes, me too. What does your husband say about this predicament? Your problem perhaps is with your husband.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> I would take my own vehicle to any of these gatherings and if husband didn't want to leave, just get up and go.


Okay, but that needs to be discussed with the husband in advance, not sprung on him.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Padawan22 said:


> We often do things like meet up at Coco's on Sunday or spend dinner at a family members house.


Ah I miss having a fine family meal at CoCo’s.



Padawan22 said:


> Am I destined to years of just dealing with it? Or should I just try to make it known that I am not okay with it? I am just not sure what to do at this point.


I would just explain what you wrote to your husband and if he doesn’t handle it then I’d try your BIL directly.

Maybe try, “May we please not talk politics at the dinner table this evening?”

My wife has a limited appetite for political shows (they make her angry). These days I read the room. If she has had a tough day or something bad happened then I won’t turn them on. That happened a few days this week.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Laurentium said:


> Okay, but that needs to be discussed with the husband in advance, not sprung on him.


Of course. Since he is ok with his family catering to the boor, he should have no objections.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Exactly! Then before he can utter another word, change the subject to sports. Even if you hate sports, just toss out "How about those Rams (your team, of course)". Glance at the sports page before leaving the house.Even the most die-hard, know-it-all richard will feel compelled to talk about sports. Unless, he's a weenie.


So, how 'bout them Chargers?


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

In regards to this situation, it pretty much comes down to the matriarch or patriarch of the family laying down the standard.
I went through a version of this with Mrs. Tdbo's family.
I am somewhat conservative. Her family lean strongly to the left.
We would attend family functions. We would sit at the table FIL wants to engage in political discussions.
I became the target, because at that time I was kind of the odd man out.
I made every effort to change the subject respectfully. He continued until it became somewhat of a beatdown towards me and my views.
I don't recoil from a beatdown. While respectful, I responded with verifiable facts and stated such.
FIL didn't like it and became somewhat agitated. While not ruining events, it created an air of tension.
Her dad, while a great guy, has a seventh grade education and has a somewhat naive view of the world. For instance, he has no problem with paying $3.00 a gallon for fuel. (WTH!)
Mrs Tdbo became pissed because of the s**t I was taking, and had a sidebar with her mother that resulted in an argument between the two of them. Finally MIL laid down the law that there would be no more political discussions at family events.
There were no issues from me, however MIL had to regularly adjust FIL's attitude for a while until he finally stood down.
With some other changes in the family (her older sister married a person with similar political views as mine,) she has adopted our views. My wife has as well. So that leaves her brother and his partner (who are really further left) and my in laws as those who are representatives of the left. So things have become somewhat of an impasse.
Therefore, we all now have our positions, and everyone realizes that there is really no probability that views will change much. So family events became focused on family events.
Sometimes FIL will want to have one on one discussions of a political nature with me. He realizes after almost 30 years, that I am not going to change. However, at times he seems to be a work in progress, admitting that he agrees with me on some things. I guess at 77, he is kind of a work in progress.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Cletus said:


> So, how 'bout them Chargers?


Who? lol


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

I just went through this at Christmas with my wife. We traveled four states to spend what will probably be her last Christmas with her grandmother who has cancer. Her side of the family are good people but extreme differences in political views.

Everyone in the room knew this will probably be the last time seeing her alive on Christmas. Everyone was getting along, laughing, and sharing memories, jokes, stories, etc. There was no political discussion. 

My my wifes sister in law is a flaming liberal who is in her 30s and still acts like the freshman college student on campus who is protesting everything and everyone from how bad the police are and how certain groups are mistreated blah blah blah. 

Eventually her efforts paid off and she was able to fan the flames of political argument. I could see tears running down my wifes cheek and her grandmother sat tired and weak from chemo treatments. 

I quickly stood up and just said lets all just take a moment to give thanks to everyone making the effort to travel and be together for Christmas.... That stopped the arguing and I saw her grandmother smile.

I told the sister in law in the kitchen to grow up and have some respect.... As she threw a hissy fit, I just walked out without saying a word. My wife said thank you for that as she broke down again 

Her grandmother has quit treatment as she is 91 and she cannot handle the chemo and radiation. She has been given 2-6 months. She has stage 4 lymphoma.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Padawan22 said:


> many of the family members will often validate him and agree with his views (even if there is no credibility for it).


They're probably only doing that in the hopes that it will shut him up, lol.

I think your only options are to either not engage ie change the subject, go along to get along OR limit contact.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

So much of these types of conflicts are ego-driven... a self-serving sense of importance that breathes "my way or the highway" mentality that turns into a need to beat down anything that threatens it. When we make people feel they have little worth in their views why are we surprised in the way we protectively react?

I feel that if you take the time to understand the process happening around you, you may find yourself empowered to not react to how other's need for control affects you. All the perceived personal attacks are really not so personal unless you have chosen to make them your identity.

You are not the same person you were yesterday nor will you be the same tomorrow... your views on life will change and change again so while you find others in disagreement with you a simple statement like "I see things differently" will hold your feelings of being disparaged to a minimum and allow you the grace of holding on loosely to the place where grasping of some ideals too tightly as so many political ideals are centered on controls, not freedoms, which is where politics often becomes confused.

You can believe you are right and I am wrong (this post is a great opportunity in that practice), but recognize that if respect is not present at least on one side (yours), you will see yourself losing every time. You can take the leadership role by showing them that your buttons are not what they think they see, that you control the output, not them, and that you can set your own expectations, not them.

I lived for 30 years with someone who thought they held the outputs of my buttons, much to their distress when in the last 10 years they lost that control more and more until it was no longer worth their while to try to push them anymore.

Don't wait as long as I did to see clearly the dynamics around you, understand with love for yourself and also compassion for others who cling to ideas that forget to shrink and grow with change and begin to see things without the shortcomings pf permanence.

You've got this.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

I would just ignore it.


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