# A Long Story About a Short Period of Time



## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

Just like so many people on here, I’ve recently been separated from my wife. I’ve read a lot of posts, but like everyone, my situation is slightly different. I’m hoping that some of you might have some words of wisdom/encouragement. I’ll try to keep this brief, but it is quite a tale.
My wife and I have been together for eight years and married for four and a half. A little over a month ago (February 13th) I came home from a class to her sitting at the dining room table. I kissed her, said “Love” and went to put my stuff away. She didn’t reply and I asked, “Is everything OK?” She said, “No.”
That’s when she told me that she was done. That she couldn’t do this anymore. All the standard reasons. Financial differences, personalities growing apart, differing life goals. Things had been in a rut for a few months. I knew things were getting bad and I had started to try and rectify things. We went out on a few dates, I started leaving love notes and bringing her little gifts. Things that I used to do back when we were dating. But it appears that it was too little too late. But I missed the big thing; I didn’t tell her that I thought things were going bad. I wanted to avoid that conversation for fear of what she might do. Stupid, I know.
She had put a deposit on an apartment the week before and was living there two days after she told me. She moved all her stuff out the Saturday after the bomb dropped. Obviously I was just in shock. She said she’d been thinking about this for months and she did it that way because she was worried if she didn’t just get out, I might be able to convince her to stay. 
I’m what many people call a “crisis situation person”. When things go to pot, I just get very calm and try to find a solution to the problem. That’s what I was trying to do with my wife. During the time that she was packing I was trying to get answers, trying to convince her that we could work it out. She said that I couldn’t change. That she’d tried to make it work, but nothing helped. I told her that I couldn’t remember having a conversation about things heading down this path, she exploded saying that I never listened and that I was always trying to get her to do what I wanted. That I was killing her, and stormed out. Harsh? Yeah…
She was on the fast track for a divorce. She wanted the papers filed ASAP. I kept pushing for a separation. She wavered, sometimes agreeing, sometimes saying what’s the point, she’s done and not interested in working it out. An interesting thing during this period was that when she was really angry, she was talking about how much she wanted it all to be over then and now. When she was slightly less angry, she was more conciliatory. Not just on the divorce vs. separation but saying that she still cared for me and did (past tense) love me instead of saying that I was killing her and the last eight years were a waste. In my readings since this all happened, I’ve discovered that this is pretty common for women in highly emotionally charged situations.
Anyway, when she finally moved all her stuff out on the Saturday I had her convinced to do a 90 day separation and one joint counseling session. When she left I asked her to take these 90 days to consider me as a potential partner for the future. She was in tears and said that she would. That’s she’d be thinking about that a lot. We shared a deep kiss and she left.
I tried not to talk to her after that until our counseling session the following week. I did run into her at a coffee shop on my lunch break one day. She was there with some people from her work, two guys and a girl. She was shocked to see me and wasn’t interested in talking at all. Some people have asked if this was a “hand in the cookie jar” situation. That I had caught her out with the “other man”. I tend to doubt it, because I asked her on several occasions if this was because she had found someone else, and she denied it. Both when she was highly emotional and when she was calmer. And she knows that if it were the case, I’d shop her. And if she really wanted this to be over ASAP, all she needed to say was that she’d found someone else. That said; there are still lingering doubts of course.
When we went to see the counselor she was there physically, but mentally she was not. It was apparent from the get go that she didn’t want to be there. She was angry most of the time, didn’t really change her story from the original reasons. The only new information that I got was that she thought that I was overly persistent and that she was tired of supporting me emotionally and me always deferring decisions to her. This was interesting because it brought to light, for me anyway, one of my big problems. A few years back I lost my job in a very harsh way. Really hit my self esteem hard and I obviously turned to my wife for support. In the following years, I haven’t really gotten back the confidence that I had before that, even though I have a better job now and do quite well at it. I became aware of this shift about six months ago and actually brought it up with her. She said that she felt that way too and was glad that I had identified it. I went about trying to build it back, and slowly I have been, but again, I guess too little too late.
That was the only really enlightening part of the counseling session. I obviously just talked about how I wanted to try and work it out. That I was committed to changing, ect. ect. At the end of the session the counselor said that he felt there was a lot of things that we could work through if we just spent some time communicating, either with him or without. My wife just exploded and said she was done. That she couldn’t do it anymore. Wasn’t interested. All that. I was devastated, of course. When we left and I walked her to her car I was in such a low spot that I just told her to file the papers. She asked if I was serious, and I said yes.
The next day I realized that I didn’t want her to file alone, that if she did I wanted to be there. I sent her a text to that effect and she was happy that I was willing to do that and that Thursday, March 1st was when she wanted to because that was the best day she could take time off of work (through this whole thing she could never take time out from work to talk or anything. Which I found interesting.). That was a few days away. After another day I realized that, no… no 17 days was not enough time to dissolve a marriage. That I still wanted the separation. So I called her one morning before she went to work and first said that I wanted her to go to counseling before I would sign. She got pissed and hung up on me. Ten minutes or so later after I’d gotten mad/sad I called her again and she answered angrily and I said that I’d go sign the papers, but I had to put the only logical reason I could come up with on the paper, that she’s having an affair. She laughed and said no. Said that I was the problem that it wasn’t because of anyone else it’s just that I’m such a terrible person and hung up. 
Now I realize that both of those statements were stupid. Very stupid. So about thirty minutes later I called back and to my amazement, she answered. I apologized for saying those things. That I didn’t think that she was having an affair, but that I still hoped that she would consider going to counseling, at least on her own. She said that she was actually considering going on her own, but that she was pissed that I would try and make her. That it was yet another example of me trying to get her to make her do something that I wanted. At this I got pissed. The first time I really snapped in this whole ordeal and I started yelling about how it’s never been about what I wanted, it’s always been about what she didn’t want. That for eight years I’d been trying to placate her, to make sure that she’s never pushed out of her comfort zone. She was kind of stunned that I said that. That I got mad. She just kinda said, “Uhm… I have to go to work. Have a good day…” and hung up.
Strangely, I felt really good after that conversation. Like it was one of the first time we’d really been honest with each other in a long time. Had a legitimate argument. I really wanted to call he again, but I didn’t I sent her an e-mail saying that and saying that’s what I was hoping the 90 day separation would foster, more conversation. And I asked her to let me know her thoughts.
I didn’t hear from her for most of the day. On my lunch break I went and closed out our joint bank account and called her to tell her that. Just got her voice mail. She called back about thirty minutes later to ask if I’d split out the money. I said yes. Then she said, “Thursday at 8am. Does that work for you?” I asked her if she had read my e-mail, she said yes and she didn’t see the point. That this was what she wanted to do. I snapped again and told her to show some compassion. That we needed some time to try and at least bring this eight year relationship to a amicable conclusion. She had to go because of something at work, but promised to call back.
She did about an hour later and I was ready to launch into it again, but she just said, “Ok. I’ll give you more time. But we can’t talk regularly. We can’t see each other all the time.” I agreed, and thanked her.
She came by the following Saturday to get the last of her stuff. We talked a little, but not much about what needs to be discussed. Just light conversation. I asked her when she wanted to talk next, and she just said that she didn’t know a couple times. When she left we hugged and I told her that I hoped we could start talking again soon. That was over two weeks ago. That was the last time I saw or spoke with her.
In the interim I’ve been reading a lot of books; Way of the Superior Man, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Love Must Be Tough, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and plenty of websites, forums, YouTube videos et. all. I’ve been working out (lost 20 pounds, mostly in the first three days from stress), and going to counseling on my own. I feel like I’ve figured out a lot about myself, a lot about what was going wrong in our marriage and a lot of how I could correct those things. I get very frustrated at the thought that most of what was wrong could be easily fixed if we could just talk about it.
I’ve sent her two letters. The first about two weeks ago telling her that I’m OK with the separation and that I’m working on myself and that I realize that the only way that she could ever be happy with me if I was happy with myself again. I didn’t expect a response from that, and I haven’t gotten one.
The second one I sent yesterday. I was tired of waiting, tired of trying the passive approach of giving her time and I’d call her and try and just ease back into things. So I wrote a letter telling her that I loved her, and that we used to love each other so much. That neither of us forced the other to love or marry. That I was committed to working on our marriage, was she? It’s kind of an end game move, but I figure that it will at least force the issue. That she will at least have to answer me.
I’m fearing the worst. That all her language before has already answered that question. That she’ll just say no. I’m of course hoping that she’ll be willing to at least entertain a conversation on the possibility of reconciliation. But I know that’s a slim hope indeed.
So I guess my question to all of you is this, am I fool to try and make this work? Has anyone gone through something that I’ve described and come out the other end with a happy conclusion? Obviously I’m simply self referencing, but can anyone see anything in what I’m describing that might help, or that I’m obviously missing? I figure anyone who’s made it through this whole thing will likely have insight, so I look forward to it.


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

the best advice i have for you is to allow her to miss you.. if she began to miss you then try to work on it. She want space and the more you push she will pull away from you. Let her work on her and discover if the glass is truly greener on the other side. 
Good Luck..


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

This is my advice. If you really want her back you have to stop pressuring her. You look needy and too interested. Women see that as a sign of weakness. It's weird how these things work. Do you own thing. 

You can't save your marriage if she's not willing to work on it. All you can do is focus on yourself and build your confidence up again. 

Don't be suprised if there is someone else. It happens when the marriage has not been good. People start looking outside the marraige for what they need. 

And also look at this as an opportunity to maybe get someone better who will understand you more. Those are my 2 cents. Good luck.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

justwhy said:


> the best advice i have for you is to allow her to miss you.. if she began to miss you then try to work on it. She want space and the more you push she will pull away from you. Let her work on her and discover if the glass is truly greener on the other side.
> Good Luck..





Lifescript said:


> This is my advice. If you really want her back you have to stop pressuring her. You look needy and too interested. Women see that as a sign of weakness. It's weird how these things work. Do you own thing.
> 
> You can't save your marriage if she's not willing to work on it. All you can do is focus on yourself and build your confidence up again.
> 
> ...


Thanks. I have been trying to give her space, but I forced the confrontation. She'll likely get the letter today or tomorrow in the mail. I guess my question with that is how do I handle her response? If she says, "No. It's over, I've told you that!" what should I say. Do I try to get her to come to the table? Do i just say, "Ok" and let her go and do whatever it is she wants to do at that point, which is likely file the papers without me? And what if she just doesn't reply at all? Do I follow up? Part of me thinks that I should, part of me doesn't.
I just feel like the passive, give her her space thing isn't the right path for me. I mean obviously, I have to give her more space than I did. But completely cutting off communication with her for a month or more just seems like it will give her more time to get used to not being with me. And if there is another man, which I doubt, but if there is its gives her time to solidify that bond without me being involved on any level.
The person that she is running away from is someone who was not very assertive in what he wanted, deffered most decisions to her and leaned on her for validation. The man that she married was very assertive, always knew what he wanted out of life and didn't need validation (though its always nice). I feel like going back to that is much more of the right ticket than just sitting back and waiting.


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

you know her best.. I would let her reach out to me because if she wanted to she will. *LET HER MISS YOU!!!!*


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

justwhy said:


> you know her best.. I would let her reach out to me because if she wanted to she will. *LET HER MISS YOU!!!!*


Thats the rub, isn't it? I do know her, or at least I did. The woman that I married I would have never thought capable of doing this. We talked about divorce and how we never wanted it to happen. We had several conversations over the years about how we would talk about things before they got to a point like this. And now, BAM!
So while I want to say that I know her, do I anymore? I'd like to think that a month of not living together, of not talking regularly or at all would be enough. But she hasn't done anything at all to reach out to me.


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## inmygut (Apr 2, 2011)

SRN said:


> Just like so many people on here, I’ve recently been separated from my wife. I’ve read a lot of posts, but like everyone, my situation is slightly different. I’m hoping that some of you might have some words of wisdom/encouragement. I’ll try to keep this brief, but it is quite a tale.
> My wife and I have been together for eight years and married for four and a half. A little over a month ago (February 13th) I came home from a class to her sitting at the dining room table. I kissed her, said “Love” and went to put my stuff away. She didn’t reply and I asked, “Is everything OK?” She said, “No.”
> That’s when she told me that she was done. That she couldn’t do this anymore. All the standard reasons. Financial differences, personalities growing apart, differing life goals. Things had been in a rut for a few months. I knew things were getting bad and I had started to try and rectify things. We went out on a few dates, I started leaving love notes and bringing her little gifts. Things that I used to do back when we were dating. But it appears that it was too little too late. But I missed the big thing; I didn’t tell her that I thought things were going bad. I wanted to avoid that conversation for fear of what she might do. Stupid, I know.
> She had put a deposit on an apartment the week before and was living there two days after she told me. She moved all her stuff out the Saturday after the bomb dropped. Obviously I was just in shock. She said she’d been thinking about this for months and she did it that way because she was worried if she didn’t just get out, I might be able to convince her to stay.
> ...


My advice is counter intuitive but since she is already gone physically and emotionally you have nothing to lose. File for divorce and have her served at work. Do not answer her calls. Do not respond to calls, email or texts for a while. Show that you have value. Her behavior is unworthy of you, yet you are acting like the one that is unworthy. Only if she is willing to put forth substantial effort should you consider getting back with her. On another note, there is no proof that she did or didn't cheat. Cheaters lie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

inmygut said:


> My advice is counter intuitive but since she is already gone physically and emotionally you have nothing to lose. File for divorce and have her served at work. Do not answer her calls. Do not respond to calls, email or texts for a while. Show that you have value. Her behavior is unworthy of you, yet you are acting like the one that is unworthy. Only if she is willing to put forth substantial effort should you consider getting back with her. On another note, there is no proof that she did or didn't cheat. Cheaters lie.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, I've contemplated doing something like that. But I have a feeling she'd just sign it, which is not what I want.
I have proof. There was no cheating. Now that she's out? I dunno.


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## phaber6 (Mar 15, 2012)

I think we're alike in that we both believe that all the problems can really be sorted out if everyone would just sit down, talk, sort it and find some solutions. There's an answer to all of this, we can sort it out.

Wrong. Wrong....I'm learning that it isn't like that, you can't take this approach with someone that's checked out emotionally, they're somewhere else entirely. Its hard but accepting that that has to be the starting point for for how I deal with the little thats left of my marriage.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

phaber6 said:


> I think we're alike in that we both believe that all the problems can really be sorted out if everyone would just sit down, talk, sort it and find some solutions. There's an answer to all of this, we can sort it out.
> 
> Wrong. Wrong....I'm learning that it isn't like that, you can't take this approach with someone that's checked out emotionally, they're somewhere else entirely. Its hard but accepting that that has to be the starting point for for how I deal with the little thats left of my marriage.


I'm starting, slowly, to grasp that. Its frustrating as all hell because my wife is generally a very rational, facts oriented person (she's an economist by training). 
The question then becomes, how does one approach an emotionally detatch spouse? I would tend to think that playing the waiting game with someone who has just checked out further validates their happiness about being gone.


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## phaber6 (Mar 15, 2012)

...how to approach an emotionally detached partner? Wish I knew, maybe you shouldn't...anyone?


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

phaber6 said:


> ...how to approach an emotionally detached partner? Wish I knew, maybe you shouldn't...anyone?


I gave my wife two weeks of no contact at all and a little more than a month of limited contact. I've decided to engage her somewhat passivly with a letter (as I mentioned in the first post). We'll see how she reacts. She should get it tonight or tomorrow.


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## dalvin_au (Mar 19, 2012)

SRN, are you sure...she hasnt cheated? Your story doesnt really stack up - there seems to be missing pieces from her.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

dalvin_au said:


> SRN, are you sure...she hasnt cheated? Your story doesnt really stack up - there seems to be missing pieces from her.


There are missing pieces, for sure. I'm hoping that she provides it at some point.
And I'm sure she didn't cheat while she was still here. I have evidence that I've managed to acquire. As for what she's doing now, I don't know. I only hope she has some honor.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

One of my best friends called me yesterday to tell me that his wife, with no coaxing from him, contacted my wife and set up a lunch date. This is very interesting because a) this friend has been pretty vocal about how he feels my wife has handled the whole situation immaturely, and she's heard that through the grape vine. b) his wife has expressed that she's shocked by the whole thing and thinks the reasons that my wife gave for leaving are rather weak. c) my wife never really liked my friends wife that much. They are friendly, but not friends.
I don't know what to think about this. Is my wife just lonely (she doesn't have many friends of her "own")? Is she willing to listen to someone elses reasoning, which undoubtably will come up. She has to know that at least some of what is discussed will filter back to me. Its all very strange.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

phaber6 said:


> I think we're alike in that we both believe that all the problems can really be sorted out if everyone would just sit down, talk, sort it and find some solutions. There's an answer to all of this, we can sort it out.
> 
> Wrong. Wrong....*I'm learning that it isn't like that, you can't take this approach with someone that's checked out emotionally, they're somewhere else entirely. Its hard but accepting that that has to be the starting point for for how I deal with the little thats left of my marriage*.



So true. It's so frustrating when the other spouse detaches and does not communicate anyting about it until they have enough courage (when they've finally checked out), or they're caught in something (affair, etc.).

Now, it leaves us as willing to do anything to change to be a better person/spouse, while struggling with the baggage/emotions of a detached wife who wants out.

It's not fair.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

> I did run into her at a coffee shop on my lunch break one day. She was there with some people from her work, two guys and a girl. She was shocked to see me and wasn’t interested in talking at all. Some people have asked if this was a “hand in the cookie jar” situation. That I had caught her out with the “other man”. I tend to doubt it, because I asked her on several occasions if this was because she had found someone else, and she denied it. Both when she was highly emotional and when she was calmer. And she knows that if it were the case, I’d shop her. And if she really wanted this to be over ASAP, all she needed to say was that she’d found someone else. That said; there are still lingering doubts of course.


Welp, I was wrong. Ran into my wife tonight. I was headed to a restaurant downtown to meet up with some friends and who was standing outside the restaurant next door? None other than my wife and the same guy from the coffee shop. She was again shocked to see me. Again acted like her hand was in the cookie jar. I told her that we needed to talk and we stepped aside. I asked how long it had been going on, she at first acted stupid and said, "What?" I told her to cut the BS and she admitted that it had been going on for weeks, but that it had "just happened, you know?" I cried foul, said that she moved out a few weeks ago and that clearly this had to be motive. That she may not have been physically involved with him at that point, but that she was emotionally invested and its clear that the reason she wanted out so fast was so she could start the physical part without the guilt of it happening in our home. She continued to deny this. So I said, fine, well then what about us? Are you willing to talk about what we can do to get our marriage to work again? She said that that wasn't what she wanted. That there was no 'us' anymore. Just me and her and she could do whatever she wanted. At that I said I was disappointed to hear that. That she was throwing away a great thing for a fling. She just rolled her eyes. So I hugged her, kissed her hair and went walked over to the OM. My wife (I guess ex is the appropriate term) started to yell at me to stop. When I got to him I _almost_ hit him. Instead I stuck out my hand and said, "Good luck. Remember, she's married and you're an a$$hole." turned and walked away.
So thats the end. Eight years of love. Really truly great love for most of it. And now its over. I guess you really can't ever know what people are going to do. I'm still in shock. But at least it's closure. No more waiting and wondering if I can win her back. Its just done.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Really sorry to hear that SRN - sending big hugs your way!
she'll be in a honeymoon period with this one for a bit, then reality will set in and the cycle will begin all over again

you can at least focus on yourself now although it's hard - my H still pops into my head all the time even though I know he's not thinking about me or our 13 years together


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

SRN, You could have handled that a lot better but what's done is done. Now you've got to give her space either way and you will have another chance to talk to her again at some point. Whether it be because of divorce court or before then you'll get to talk before this is all over. 

Let the dust settle for you both and take this time to get yourself emotionally stable for the next time you meet. Odds are likely she'll harbor some resentment towards you for hurting her feelings but that also means you got to her and showed her what she was doing was hurtful to you as well. You may have to take the blame for this later on and side with her feelings in order to talk to her but that's nothing.

I also have to point out that the affair has been going on for longer than a month. A month ago was when they got physical around stage two, but they were close long before then. About 3-6 months ago was when she saw his as being the better choice and made excuses to see him over spending time with you. That also means she's deeply infatuated with him and everything you do to convince her other wise will only push her in deeper. Back off and let her be with this SOB and give her the time she needs to miss you. She will see what she's giving up in time but not if you keep blowing up and calling the OM an A-hole Don't beat yourself up I did the same thing.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

Nsweet said:


> SRN, You could have handled that a lot better but what's done is done. Now you've got to give her space either way and you will have another chance to talk to her again at some point. Whether it be because of divorce court or before then you'll get to talk before this is all over.
> 
> Let the dust settle for you both and take this time to get yourself emotionally stable for the next time you meet. Odds are likely she'll harbor some resentment towards you for hurting her feelings but that also means you got to her and showed her what she was doing was hurtful to you as well. You may have to take the blame for this later on and side with her feelings in order to talk to her but that's nothing.
> 
> I also have to point out that the affair has been going on for longer than a month. A month ago was when they got physical around stage two, but they were close long before then. About 3-6 months ago was when she saw his as being the better choice and made excuses to see him over spending time with you. That also means she's deeply infatuated with him and everything you do to convince her other wise will only push her in deeper. Back off and let her be with this SOB and give her the time she needs to miss you. She will see what she's giving up in time but not if you keep blowing up and calling the OM an A-hole Don't beat yourself up I did the same thing.


An interesting take. But here's the thing. It's over. I cannot take her back after something like this. Its impossible for me to believe in her or our marriage after this breach of trust. You may think I handled things poorly, but I think I handled them pretty damn well. I was pretty calm the whole time, even when I called the a$$hole an a$$hole I did it in a calm voice and a smile on my face.
I'll be filing the papers first thing Monday and I'll likely serve them to her myself that morning at her work. We have no kids, no home, all of our assets have already been split do to the separation, so likely when I give her the papers that will be the last time that I ever see or speak to her. This is done, and I need to get it over with. It's the most horrible and tragic thing that I have ever gone through, but it just needs to be over at this point.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

Filed the divorce papers and served them to her at her work this morning. Hardest thing I've ever done. 
She still denied the affair when I told her that was why I filed, but other than that she was completely indifferent acting when I gave her the papers. I didn't/couldn't stick around while she read through them. I assume she'll contest that adultery was the reason for the dissolution, but I'll just have to see. She's got 20 days to reply to the court.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

SRN just caught up on this thread - you are right what you said to me in one of my comments, our stories are indeed very, very similar, both the way we handled them and the script our W's were following. My ex's affair were a year ago, give or take, and reading your story made me re-live mine like it was yesterday.

One difference with mine is that there were atleast 2 OM, and so while I thought she had ended it with OM1 she was actually still going on with OM2 under my nose, while pretending to deliberate over whether or not she would consider staying in the marriage. (I realize now she just needed the roof over her head until her apartment was ready). Point is after dday#2 I took off my ring and not once since have I felt like I wanted her back, when I let go I really did. It has helped me tremendously to know that one really bad option was atleast scratched off the list, even if the other options are all no fun at first either. Trust me, they will pan out better for you, you will have some pretty good times ahead of you...


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I knew it from the first post that it was an affair. Cheating women are like monkeys, They don't let go of the old branch until they find a new one to hang on to. The whole thing was totally planned. The speed with which she had her apartment and moved out should have told you all. Good luck. You don't seem to be that kind of person, but you can verify the length of the affair through her phone records, Facebook and mail if you still have access to them. You might want them as proof during the divorce proceedings.




> When I got to him I almost hit him. Instead I stuck out my hand and said, "Good luck. Remember, she's married and you're an a$$hole." turned and walked away.


or say something like this when you see him again "We were together for 8 years, married for more than 4. And if she can do something like this to me so heartlessly, good luck to you"

Edit: never mind. Just looked at the post that said both of you signed the papers. Funny how she could throw away everything so easily. Man, your story depressed me..I can only imagine how hard it is to you. Take care


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

Just to finish this tale of woe, the day after I served her she texted me to let me know that she was going to get everything taken care of that morning and deliver the final papers to me at work. I called her and said lets do it together, but lets talk before going to the courthouse. She agreed. We met at a coffee shop downtown around noon. I tried to have some light conversation, but she just answered yes/no and sat there staring at me. I asked her if she wanted to talk about anything, she just exploded and said that I was the one that wanted to talk, not her.
So I proceeded to try and talk to her about our past. About how much we had loved each other, why we got married and how I think that we might still have a shot if she was willing. or at the very least, to make this less hostile. She exploded again and said all she wanted was to sign the papers. That she was DONE. I said OK, got up and walked out the door.
As we walked down the street to the courthouse I thanked her for finally admitting to having an affair. She laughed and said she hadn't. I asked her why she didn't dispute the petition then. She rolled her eyes and said, "Well I guess _technically_ I am." while she waived the petition in the air. That hurt. She then said that she'd never be able to convince me otherwise anyway. I stopped and said, "No, thats easy. You and I go up to your work and you tell the OM that its over. That the two of you are done and you're going to try and work things out with your husband." She laughed and said, "Thats _never_ going to happen!"
When we got to the clerks office I was on the verge of tears. We'd stood in line at courthouses and clerks offices several times before. Always for happy things like our marriage certificate, passports and the like. And here we where, standing together for the last time. It was horrible. As we waited I turned to her and said, "I love you." she just clenched her jaw and turned away. When we got to the clerks window as the petitioner I had to sign like 20 times. She, only three or four. As I signed I choked back tears and she just stood there looking indifferent. When that special kind of hell was over we left. 
We didn't talk at all on the way back to her car. I tried to walk ahead of her, but out of habit or something she kept matching pace with me. When we finally got to her car, I stood there and looked at her. I hugged her for what felt like an eternity. She just put a limp arm around my back and patted me a few times. I pulled back, looked into her eyes and said, "You'll always be my first true love." She just looked at me. I let her go and she said with no emotion, "Good bye." Got in her car and drove off.
And that was the last time I saw or spoke to her. And, likely, the last time that I will ever unless its a random run in. 
For those who have read my other posts, I'm really struggling with the fallout. I loved this woman completely, and she violated every level of trust and devotion that she could. Its a pain and horror that I cannot describe in words. Those of you that have gone through it know. But everyone is unique. I always felt like our love was special, was different from everyone elses. And maybe we did, and thats why this hurts so bad.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

My heart is reaching out to you man, I know what that is like... kinda disbelief how she can be checked out like that.

Many reasons I guess, you could spend the next year (like I have) or the rest of your life trying to understand it all, what caused her to go like that, what your part in this was etc... but honestly the one thing that matters is not how or why, just the fact that she did check out. It literally is like grieving her death, except you can't just bury her body and move on, you still have to see her soul-less face from time to time.

You will in time come to realize that it is not your fault, no matter what you did or didn't do you remained who you are throughout... yeah there was all the alpha/beta, niceguy, attraction factors talked about all the time here, but SHE unilaterally took the choice away from you, she took control of your fate out of your hands, and through this painful process you are reclaiming it. Grieve through the down parts, relish the good new memories and learn to start enjoying being a single man again - its not all fun, just different kinds of fun with no immature and useless spouse to keep you down.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

Lon said:


> My heart is reaching out to you man, I know what that is like... kinda disbelief how she can be checked out like that.
> 
> Many reasons I guess, you could spend the next year (like I have) or the rest of your life trying to understand it all, what caused her to go like that, what your part in this was etc... but honestly the one thing that matters is not how or why, just the fact that she did check out. It literally is like grieving her death, except you can't just bury her body and move on, you still have to see her soul-less face from time to time.
> 
> You will in time come to realize that it is not your fault, no matter what you did or didn't do you remained who you are throughout... yeah there was all the alpha/beta, niceguy, attraction factors talked about all the time here, but SHE unilaterally took the choice away from you, she took control of your fate out of your hands, and through this painful process you are reclaiming it. Grieve through the down parts, relish the good new memories and learn to start enjoying being a single man again - its not all fun, just different kinds of fun with no immature and useless spouse to keep you down.


I'm definately in the grieving process right now. I'm just kinda counting the days until I get to move out of the place we've lived for the last six years (T -29 days), getting a new bed when that happens too cause sleeping in the same bed is hell as well. Trying to keep busy with friends, hobbies ect. But there are always the down times. Times to think about what was and what was supposed to be. Its all smoke and ashes now, though. Just smoke and ashes.

And yes, she drove this train off a cliff without taking me into consideration AT ALL. I tried to stop it, but she wouldn't let me, and thats hard to get over as well. For so long we'd been in agreement with our path's, and now... no more. Thats probably the hardest thing to deal with. That just so abruptly "our" life ended. Its just shocking. 44 days from start to finish. And just DONE.

All I can do now is start putting the peices of my life back together. Bit by bit, day by day.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I'm sorry but she sounds like a toxic harpy - how ever much resentment and bitterness I feel towards my ex I would never intentionally humiliate him cos I'm, you know, a grown up

it was exactly 1 month for me from when we had the conversation to when he moved out and I got my life back - quick and dirty, like ripping off a plaster. Better that than a drawn out process that's painful for everyone

I've been feeling better and better every day but I have quite a positive attitude about life - that's not something you can just 'do' if you're not that sort of person so i wish you luck, it will get better - the world is your oyster!


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Wow. I sincerely hope you never talk to her ever again. Ever. Being laughed at and having eyes rolled at you is one hard pill to swallow from the one who used to love and respect you.

What's done is done, seek counseling and take care of yourself...it all changes from here on out. Make it for the better.

Sorry man.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

SRN, don't waste your tears for someone like her. She doesn't deserve them. Check Shamwow's and lascarx threads on how to move on.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

I don't know why, but I called the court clerk today at lunch to check on the status of the divorce petition. It was signed by the judge yesterday. There is no more Mrs. SRN.
I called my now legally ex wife, she didn't answer of course. I left a message telling her that I hoped this was worth it for her. That i hoped she was happy. Because I was not. That she had laid waste to my entire life. That I missed her. And that the only thing that could make this worth it was that she was happy.
Probably the last words that I will ever convey to her.

I feel empty. Truly empty.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

SRN,

In all seriousness, your next call should be to a good therapist.

Talk the entire thing through with them - until you can identify WHY you continue to pour your heart out to someone who has CLEARLY shown she could give a rat's ass what you think.

Seriously, you deserve better than that.

We all do.

The question you must answer (for your own protection) is why you are the only one that doesn't think so.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Codependency.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

SRN, She dumped you and ran to another man. She isn't worth the air when you mention her name. Start worrying only about YOURSELF, whether new hobbies, friends, working out, etc. Anything to keep you busy for yourself. Seriously find another beautiful woman and bang the **** out of her.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

Conrad said:


> SRN,
> 
> In all seriousness, your next call should be to a good therapist.
> 
> ...


I've been seeing a counselor one or two times a week since the end of Fabruary. In all reality, if it weren't for that I know I would be in a much worse place. 



bandit.45 said:


> Codependency.


Yes, this probably had something to do with it. As I stated in the OP, when I lost my job a few years back, I was really lost and of course, turned to my wife for support. And it definately got the the point of codependency. In fact, this was one of the reasons that she said she wanted to leave, that she couldn't handle that anymore. That she felt like I wasn't supporting her emotional needs as much as she was supporting mine. Undoubtably this is also one of the reasons she had an affair.



keko said:


> SRN, She dumped you and ran to another man. She isn't worth the air when you mention her name. Start worrying only about YOURSELF, whether new hobbies, friends, working out, etc. Anything to keep you busy for yourself. Seriously find another beautiful woman and bang the **** out of her.


I am trying. I am. I have a lot of projects that I'm working on. I have a lot of friends that I do things with, rarely have I spent an evening alone since this whole thing started. Its just that I miss her. And I know that I miss the memory of her, not the real her. The real her I couldn't love any more. I know that. There is no way that I could after all that she has said and done. Its just doing battle with that memory.
And I wish I could go and just find another woman like that. I'm just not that kind of guy.


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