# SSG



## jps (Jun 19, 2012)

Okay here is my problem, I am a soldier, and have just returned from my 5th deployment. I am at the end of my career, and I will be moving to my next duty station very soon. The army, even though I asked to be sent to a duty station near my wife's home town has decided to send me to one that is 8 hours away. I understand that this is the nature of the army and as a career soldier I have no say over where I go. I am due to retire in just over two years. The problem is that my wife, after having discussed our marriage with other people and not me, decided that she wants a divorce. This came as a shock to me, because up until two days after I got home I believed that we had a good marriage. I thought I was a good husband and I know that I am a good father to my three sons. I have never hit my wife or children, I support my wife in every way, I do not drink, chase women, never cheated and sex is not an issue. I have always done my best to let my wife know how important to me she is, and how much I respect her and her decisions. I have always encouraged her to do whatever it is that makes her happy. She has stated that she does not want to move the kids and start a new job, just to quit and move the again in two years. I understand that, but I do not believe that this is best for us our children. I grew up with with a father that was hardly at home and do not want to do that to my own children. She said some things that were very hurtful and after we sought counseling, she did come and apologize to me for asking for a divirce, but has not apologized for the other things that she said. She only apologized after I told her that I would be willinging to live at my duty station seperate from her and the kids. I have been honest with her and told her that this will be very difficult for me to do and that I am in no way happy about this decision. I do not know if I am wrong, but I feel betrayed and my trust in her and her motives is not good. I am trying to trust her snd realize that it will take time. However, I keep hoping that she will change her mind and want to go to my next duty station with me. The children are of course included. I was wondering if I am right to feel hurt and how anyone else would react. Thank you


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Of course you have a right to feel hurt. Is she willing to stay where she is and let you go to the Duty Station alone and stay married? How long have you been married and how old are your sons?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

What exactly are her complaints about your marriage? 

It's hard to say if she's being reasonable or unreasonable without having an idea of what's prompting this.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

What brought on the divorce talk? Is divorce off the table, now?


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

You've been on deployment. Are you sure she hasn't met someone else?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Drover said:


> You've been on deployment. Are you sure she hasn't met someone else?


Bingo. Why should the SSG be any different from all the other Joes?


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## jps (Jun 19, 2012)

We have been married 15 years, my sons are 14, 9, and 3, no daughters. Her major complaint is that she is not happy, that she feels like she is not independent, and that she has no life. She also denies that there is someone else. I have not ever told her that she has to stay at home, or work, I have left that decision up to her to make. If she wants to work, great, if not great. I have always encouraged her to get out of the house and make friends. I have tried to get her involved with my friends and their spouses. The only thing holding her back is herself. She is no longer asking for divorce, but I really do not see that this marriage is going to work if I have to be a weekend dad and husband. All that I want is for her to honor her vows. She says that the p[roblem is not me but her, whatever that means. I mean her actions contradict what she tells me. I do know that our marriage counselor recommened that she seek individual counseling, she refused. I am ready to either move forward as a family or just move on to someone who understands what marriage is about. I believe it is not about what I want but what we want.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

15 years is an awful long time to give up on. She may be having a type of mid life crises. Keep encouraging her to go to IC. When she tells you it's her believe her.

She also like mentioned above may have met someone else she is interested in. You may want to do some snooping to rule that out.

Since divorce is off the table for now did she say she was no longer willing to honor her vows?


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

jps said:


> We have been married 15 years, my sons are 14, 9, and 3, no daughters. Her major complaint is that she is not happy, that she feels like she is not independent, and that she has no life. She also denies that there is someone else. I have not ever told her that she has to stay at home, or work, I have left that decision up to her to make. If she wants to work, great, if not great. I have always encouraged her to get out of the house and make friends. I have tried to get her involved with my friends and their spouses. The only thing holding her back is herself. She is no longer asking for divorce, but I really do not see that this marriage is going to work if I have to be a weekend dad and husband. *All that I want is for her to honor her vows.* She says that the p[roblem is not me but her, whatever that means. I mean her actions contradict what she tells me. I do know that our marriage counselor recommened that she seek individual counseling, she refused. I am ready to either move forward as a family or just move on to someone who understands what marriage is about. I believe it is not about what I want but what we want.


If she's not happy, talking to her about "honoring her vows" isn't going to help. She needs to figure out why she isn't happy and what will make her happy.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

jps said:


> We have been married 15 years, my sons are 14, 9, and 3, no daughters. Her major complaint is that she is not happy, that she feels like she is not independent, and that she has no life. She also denies that there is someone else. I have not ever told her that she has to stay at home, or work, I have left that decision up to her to make. If she wants to work, great, if not great. I have always encouraged her to get out of the house and make friends. I have tried to get her involved with my friends and their spouses. The only thing holding her back is herself. She is no longer asking for divorce, but I really do not see that this marriage is going to work if I have to be a weekend dad and husband. All that I want is for her to honor her vows. She says that the p[roblem is not me but her, whatever that means. I mean her actions contradict what she tells me. I do know that our marriage counselor recommened that she seek individual counseling, she refused. I am ready to either move forward as a family or just move on to someone who understands what marriage is about. I believe it is not about what I want but what we want.


15 years is a long time, and apparently she's been honoring her vows quite well. She says she feels independent, and you encourage her to do the things that would make her happy, but in your next sentence you yourself threaten the marriage if you have to "be a weekend dad and husband." 

What does that mean to you? I'm not sure if you're thinking she'll be so busy that she won't have time for you other than on weekends, or if you're saying you don't want to be a family man on weekends because you're doing your own thing and don't want to give it up.


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## jps (Jun 19, 2012)

*Re: KatheyBasel*

It is not a threat, but I just do not see how I can be a good husband and father, just being with them a few hours each week. I am willing to make the effort, but I am in the army, and I know from experience, that I will not be able to leave and drive 8 hours every weekend. There are things I have to do, such as sign in at staff duty on the weekends stating that I checked on my soldiers, their rooms, and the barracks themselves. As for honoring the vows, she has put her mom, dad, and her family before our marriage. I get family is important, but should we not put our family first, not her mom, and dad, or even my parents? We hit a tough time in our marriage, and she is ready to give up, that is not for better or for worse.


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

*Re: KatheyBasel*



jps said:


> It is not a threat, but I just do not see how I can be a good husband and father, just being with them a few hours each week. I am willing to make the effort, but I am in the army, and I know from experience, that I will not be able to leave and drive 8 hours every weekend. There are things I have to do, such as sign in at staff duty on the weekends stating that I checked on my soldiers, their rooms, and the barracks themselves. As for honoring the vows, she has put her mom, dad, and her family before our marriage. I get family is important, but should we not put our family first, not her mom, and dad, or even my parents? We hit a tough time in our marriage, and she is ready to give up, that is not for better or for worse.


Sorry to hear it. You are in a tough spot, I would hope that she could bend a little for the last 2 years of your career. I mean it isn't even a full 2 years, with terminal leave and your retirement paperwork. I am sure you have seen drama like this go down with fellow soldiers; I hope to God there isn't another man influencing her decisions. Good luck!


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## jps (Jun 19, 2012)

*Re: KathyBastel*

Thank you, I do not believe that there is another man, but I do believe that her mother is in her ear, as well as her friend that is never happy with anything. You know misery loves company!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Thank you for clarifying, jps. I understand your answer now.

About the only thing you can do is give her enough rope to hang herself and force her to face reality. If she thinks being apart will make her happy, what choice do you really have? 

This might sound harsher than I mean it to, but I'm saying it for the sake of your marriage: It may help you to think of it as if your wife's on deployment. She's had to deal with your deployments, so now it's your turn to deal with hers. 

When you've gone overseas, she has endured some trials, too - as you know. When you've returned, she's had to surrender the freedom and control that she'd grown accustomed to during your absence. She may have had to cope with changes in you that took place while you were away. I don't know what they were for YOU, but plenty of soldiers return with slightly different ways of thinking about things, like what kinds of food they now like, or what they think is "right" about society and relationships. They sometimes have PTSD or adjustment issues. 

She stuck with you during all that. You need to decide if you owe her the same kind of dedication and loyalty you have received over the last fifteen years while she goes on a mission of her own - one you may not understand or like, one that's about her personal security rather than national security, but one that's as important to her personally as your career has been to you.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

jps,

First and foremost, thank you for your service

KathyBatesel brings up some very good points in her post above.

Between where you're stationed now and where your family is, would it be possible to meet somewhere in the middle?

Now that it's summer, would your wife consider coming down to see you (with or without the kids) every third weekend or so?

You two have been seperated alot during your deployments and I think the two of you need to find time to try and re-connect


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## jps (Jun 19, 2012)

*Re: Toffer*

Thank you for your support. We do have a plan and I as I stated I am willing to try things her way. Yes I have been dedicated to my career. The benefits will make my sacrifices worth it. I however, never volunteered to leave my family and never for more than 13 months. How do I explain this to my children, without saying anything negative about my spouse? It just sucks that I had to convince her that we have something worth fighting for. I am honored to serve the American people and our government.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

*Re: Toffer*



jps said:


> Thank you for your support. We do have a plan and I as I stated I am willing to try things her way. Yes I have been dedicated to my career. The benefits will make my sacrifices worth it. I however, never volunteered to leave my family and never for more than 13 months. How do I explain this to my children, without saying anything negative about my spouse? It just sucks that I had to convince her that we have something worth fighting for. I am honored to serve the American people and our government.


You have served the country. She has served your marriage. When she says, "I don't want to do two moves in two years," it might be time to serve her and your children in a way that's alien to you. It could be worse... she could be saying, "Abandon your career and start putting your family first or else." (I know your service IS putting your family first because of the benefits, but you've seen many other people go through the scenario - you know how common *that* is, too.)

Like I said, it's almost like your family is deployed this time. Instead of her facing the uncertainty and having to wait for communications, you do. Instead of her spending her nights and weekends alone while you accomplish your missions, you're giving her the leeway to achieve hers. In doing so, you're providing the proof that you *are* the kind of guy who's worth fighting for. (And there's nothing wrong with telling her that you're doing those things for her, and why, just to make sure she recognizes that you're being supportive and giving her a gift of freedom to say thank you for the times she's done the same for you, even if it's killing you to do it!)

As far as telling your kids, you go with the party line: Mommy and Daddy don't want you to make friends and go to school and then have to leave it all after just one year, so we're making arrangements so you can have friends and school for longer.


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