# Losing steam, trying to get through



## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Last page summarizes my story for those who don't know it yet http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-im-stuck-trying-reconcile-my-marriage-6.html

I'm losing steam. I'm about to get the final draft of our separation agreement from the lawyer so we can sign and move towards divorce. But I'm having trouble seeing the end.

My stbxw comes by the house every few days to be with the kids and every time I see her I'm either angry or depressed. When she comes to the house she sleeps in the den. I don't interact with her and we don't even look at each other.

Still no remorse. The idea that she is getting support from the OM, co-workers and friends makes me feel guilty for some reason. Makes me feel like I should have been stronger and better in our marriage. The other thing that infuriates me is the way she is just waiting for me to do everything. I drafted the separation agreement, I'm taking apart the furniture and I will be listing the house.

Not sure what else to do to keep moving on. I'm already in shape. Always have been. Not interested in hitting the gym to get ripped. Been keeping busy with friends and family. Going out for long walks has been really helpful. This is probably the beginning of the emotional roller coaster. What other things did you do to help you get through this?


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I have not been through it, but what you're feeling sounds normal. You were rejected. Rejection hurts. For everyone.

But if you can get to the point where you see rejection as the gift it truly is, you will be able to embrace the new opportunities that come along with it. 

Think about the new woman who is going to come into your life and love you just as you are. Think of the peaceful, happy times you are going to have with her. Think of being truly appreciated by her. Doesn't that feel good?

Over the coming months, you will have time to reflect, too. At some point you may be able to see your shortcomings in the marriage. With time, it will not be as painful. There will be more fact than feeling to it. 

Being honest with yourself in this way will help you avoid mistakes in the next relationship. That happy, fulfilling relationship that is coming.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

If you have worked your body than its time to work that mind of yours...start by going to the local college or like and see what kind of classes they offer, they may also have classes in writing or art or other things that will give you a ways to express yourself. the other aspect of this is it will give you a chance to meet new people and form new friendships....you have one life...live it, remember you had a life before she came into yours, do not let this upheaval define your future.


----------



## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

jld, I can visualize that, being appreciated, I'm trying my best to see this as an opportunity.

xenote, great idea, a class sounds great, I'm thinking a cooking class or something.


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

jld said:


> Think about the new woman who is going to come into your life and love you just as you are. Think of the peaceful, happy times you are going to have with her. Think of being truly appreciated by her. Doesn't that feel good?


I agree its important to realize you have a new opportunity for something more fulfilling. But also visualize youself as an independent person. What a whole and fulfilling life you can have doing the things you want and trying new thing that interest you. 

I'm going through detachment right now with my STBXW. The reaction is to look to replace her. I'm open to a new woman in my life at some point in the future if thats what life brings my way. But I'm not going to go hunting for one. I'm going to spend 3 more years being Mr. Mom to the kids (then the youngest will be in College). After that I plan to go full on selfish for a while. A new love interest would interfere with those plans. :smthumbup:


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Acoa said:


> I agree its important to realize you have a new opportunity for something more fulfilling. But also visualize youself as an independent person. What a whole and fulfilling life you can have doing the things you want and trying new thing that interest you.
> 
> I'm going through detachment right now with my STBXW. The reaction is to look to replace her. I'm open to a new woman in my life at some point in the future if thats what life brings my way. But I'm not going to go hunting for one. I'm going to spend 3 more years being Mr. Mom to the kids (then the youngest will be in College). After that I plan to go full on selfish for a while. A new love interest would interfere with those plans. :smthumbup:


Sounds very healthy, Acoa. Very best of luck to you.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You have the kids and she has to come visit so your doing something right. 

Maybe she shows no remorse. That's because of her guilt and if it was me, it wouldn't matter. Whatever her excuse is, chances are it won't be good enough anyhow so all you'll be doing is beating your head against the wall. The best thing to do is accept the fact that you don't have to worry about her doing it again since your split. 

Time for you to think about yourself and try to enjoy your life and make it as enjoyable as possible.


----------



## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

I am very sorry for your pain. I remember those days very vividly and wouldn't wish them on anyone. The best thing you can do is to find a support group yourself. I don't know if you are a religious person or not but many churches have men's groups that could be very helpful. Isolation is a killer when going through this. Do you have a counselor that you are seeing?

I work for a Christian ministry and know about a free counseling service. If you would like more information send me a private message. In the meantime, please know that I have prayed for you. Healing will come, although it won't be as quick as you would like. Hang in there, be a good father, and know that your Heavenly Father cares deeply about you. Blessings.


----------



## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I've joined a meetup with other people going through the same thing and I'm going to see a counsellor tomorrow. Yes, trying to be the best father I can be.


----------



## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

You're doing great. Have patience. Time will heal you.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Xenote said:


> If you have worked your body than its time to work that mind of yours...start by going to the local college or like and see what kind of classes they offer, they may also have classes in writing or art or other things that will give you a ways to express yourself. the other aspect of this is it will give you a chance to meet new people and form new friendships....you have one life...live it, remember you had a life before she came into yours, do not let this upheaval define your future.


:iagree:

I second the idea of going back to college for self improvement. The added benefit is that the extra work will help take your mind off your situation. Plus, you will have a few women flirting and hitting on you. Its a good boost for the ego. I know it did for me, not that I would do anything. But its nice to know some women are still interested.


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Find something you love.... and just do it. Do the things that make you smile, that make you feel like you've accomplished something, that used to be quite the challenge..... 

I painted.... everything in sight. Murals. BIG murals. And I loved every minute of it. 

I watched the Comedy channel often.... I knew I needed the humor.

I joined an online marriage forum.... similar to this one, only with Chat... instant connections. Life long friends were made there, and it's where I eventually met my now husband. 

I CHANGED things at home. I rearranged the house, took down ex's pictures, painted the bedroom to my taste, ate dessert for dinner with the kids, started new traditions regarding birthdays, Christmas, etc.... 

It's a process tho. You slowly but surely take more charge of your own life.... do whatever works for YOU.


----------



## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Still trying to find the things that make me smile. I've felt strong this past week and a half but know I'm feeling really down. A relapse maybe?

She's been texting more and she's even called once to discuss things about the kids. I fckin hate it how she speaks to me like everything is normal. When she comes to the house to visit the kids in her best dress after work I just want to punch her.

Maybe she's doing a 180 on me. Right now I feel so down. I feel like I was so easily replaced by this posom. Everyone says time is all I need. Will I feel justice with time?

I do have the final copy of the separation agreement. One more review and we can both sign it and be done with this. Haven't put the house up yet. But I've moved a bunch of stuff out and so has she. Listing the house is the next step.

Another thing that is infuriating me is how she isn't doing anything. She just waits for me to do the paper work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How old are your kids? They must feel the tension.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


----------



## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Kids are 5 and 3. The 5 year old she knows something is happening but is still very happy overall. She has a speech delay so she can't really express what she's thinking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

For me I didn't really start to feel better until I made a plan and started doing it. The plan is selfish do something for you. Think of something you really loved to do before you got married. Mine for example is surfing. I'm relocating to beach that also happens to be near family. Both things that I want. The rest is up to God. You get to start over and with the divorce not final you can atleast create a plan now and only start to implement it a little. The focus on your new goals will help you a lot in regards to the depression and anxiety. If you get in a bad place just think about where you'll be shortly in your new life. A good prayer helps too. Good luck


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I was determined that the failure of my 45 year marriage was not going to define me. I changed everything about my life. Now it's truly my life and has nothing to do with him -- except that we share a child and grandchildren and a whole lot of memories. Once I did that, I was able to forgive him and be friends with him which is something I never thought would happen. It was a hard road to get here but it's worth it.


----------



## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Gonnabealright, you sound like someone I know. Do you practice martial arts? PM me if you do.

45 years is a long time and I'm struggling with the thought of the future family I would have had. Are you able to look back and remember happy memories?

Can anyone share their experience with divorce and kids? I essentially have to see this person for the rest of my life. No remorse in destroying peoples lives and selfishly doing what she wants. And because of that I have no respect for her, don't see us being friends.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So what do you have planed when you get cut loose and your ex old lady has the kids?

Dude, my old lady has some crap planed for Saturday that I don't even want to deal with put its important to her so what the hell.....

Man If I was you the next time the kids are handled, I would go town down grap a bite and enjoy some the-guy time. Then I'd go tool shopping and finish off the time away with visiting some family and friend and see if I can score a BBQ.

You my friend are all jacked up about some chick that screwed you over instead of thinking about your own @ss and what opprtunities that lay a head while you got free baby sitting...


----------



## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

I've been doing that and for the most part it's felt good. Maybe I'm just thinking about the future too much. I'm also thinking about revenge, vindication. Not good for me I guess.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

tryingpatience said:


> Gonnabealright, you sound like someone I know. Do you practice martial arts? PM me if you do.
> 
> 45 years is a long time and I'm struggling with the thought of the future family I would have had. Are you able to look back and remember happy memories?
> 
> Can anyone share their experience with divorce and kids? I essentially have to see this person for the rest of my life. No remorse in destroying peoples lives and selfishly doing what she wants. And because of that I have no respect for her, don't see us being friends.


Your old lady is one of the bad guys....what did you expect?

You need to stop having such high expectations toward one of the bad guys in this world....and yes *now* your old lady has become one of the bad guys...it happens....people go bad!

People also go good......look at me


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

tryingpatience said:


> I've been doing that and for the most part it's felt good. Maybe I'm just thinking about the future too much. I'm also thinking about revenge, vindication. Not good for me I guess.


One day at time brother. this crap took years to come about...its going to take time to regroup, so quit worrying about the future and take care of the sh!t that is right in front of you. You got plenty of time to think about the furture when you get this crap off your back.

See your old lady isn't part of this new future so until she is old news you gotta look at it day by day until your right in your head and you build the indifference that will set you free brother.

it take time to build sh!t so keep on keeping on ...youl get there...your just in a phucking huury and I get that...been there!

Again it just takes time so stop expecting this crap to build its self over night.

Get it?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Look you got me all worked up, I can't even spell....wait... I never could spell in the first place


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I like it. Simple and sweet. People go bad............or keep it hidden in the first place.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Here's a stupid little hint that works for a lot of people. You have a new future.

- it's not scary. It's exciting and it's a challenge. Tell yourself that.
- you're not anxious. You're excited.
- Nervous? You guessed it. Excited.

Fear, anxiety, and excitement are similar in many ways. But excitement is positive.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thundarr said:


> Here's a stupid little hint that works for a lot of people. You have a new future.
> 
> - it's not scary. It's exciting and it's a challenge.
> - you're not anxious. You're excited.
> - Nervous? You guessed it. Excited.


All the big challenges in life come with the best rewards. You just gotta get rid of the dead weight and go explore a new life.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

tryingpatience said:


> 45 years is a long time and I'm struggling with the thought of the future family I would have had. Are you able to look back and remember happy memories?
> 
> Can anyone share their experience with divorce and kids? I essentially have to see this person for the rest of my life. No remorse in destroying peoples lives and selfishly doing what she wants. And because of that I have no respect for her, don't see us being friends.


Yes, I can now look back now and remember happy memories but it took some time to get there. I had zero respect for him for a long time and still don't have much, truth be told, but when I forgave him I let go of a lot of things I didn't think I would be able to. Some people never get to that stage and I'm glad I could. No longer hating him makes my life easier. I'm at peace finally.


----------



## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

I got the guy worked up lol. Thanks for getting me back on path. I'm calm again 

I can get excited about doing my own thing. Still working on that.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

tryingpatience said:


> Last page summarizes my story for those who don't know it yet http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-im-stuck-trying-reconcile-my-marriage-6.html
> 
> I'm losing steam. I'm about to get the final draft of our separation agreement from the lawyer so we can sign and move towards divorce. But I'm having trouble seeing the end.
> 
> ...


She was a lousy partner in the marriage, and she's going to continue to be a lousy partner in the work of getting the divorce. You will have to do all the work, for this one last thing and then you will be free. She's probably the sort of person who doesn't like effort or function well on her own, which is why she ended up in another man's arms instead of doing the hard work of improving her existing marriage. She won't ever be remorseful because that would be admitting her own weakness.

You are better off without her. If you sometimes doubt that, just reread those old emails you found.

That was my situation too. I had to pack all my ex's things up, and it was kind of liberating to do so. I always had a box or two or twelve ready to be taken away every time my ex came to see the kids and each visit made the house more and more relaxing to be in.

Taking turns in the house prolongs the horrible limbo feeling. Is there any way you can avoid seeing her when you switch? Maybe have a friend or neighbour at the home while you leave early before she arrives. Do you have a schedule for finishing that nesting arrangement? Do you know how much money you'll have for starting over? Do some preliminary house hunting and get excited about having your own place that she won't ever get to set foot in.

Your marriage didn't rely on you being stronger or better. It failed because your wife wasn't stronger, or a better person. Many group projects can succeed even if one person doesn't pull their own weight, but a relationship isn't one of them.

You're not on the roller coaster anymore. You are in the driver's seat now. Steer your life.


----------



## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> She was a lousy partner in the marriage, and she's going to continue to be a lousy partner in the work of getting the divorce. You will have to do all the work, for this one last thing and then you will be free. She's probably the sort of person who doesn't like effort or function well on her own, which is why she ended up in another man's arms instead of doing the hard work of improving her existing marriage. She won't ever be remorseful because that would be admitting her own weakness.
> 
> You are better off without her. If you sometimes doubt that, just reread those old emails you found.
> 
> ...


Thank you, everything has been worked out and we are in agreement with everything. I'm moving into my parents place after we sell the house and I'll be helping them with some of their debt. It's the best move for the kids. They will both have their own rooms, a big backyard and family around always.

I'll just have to make a bigger effort in avoiding her while she comes to the house. You are spot on in that she doesn't like effort and doesn't do well on her own. I can see that she is trying now and putting in a greater effort. She's trying to prove that she can raise these kids on her own now.


----------



## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

I've realized with my stbxw coming back again for a few days to be with the kids that there is still part of me that is having trouble letting go. I know in my head that I can't go back and fix anything now. I can't get over the fact that I know I'm the better man for her than the OP. She would have been happier together as a family.

I can't let go of my feelings of pity for her. Maybe she will become a better person after this, maybe not. But I can't help but feel for her, knowing that one day she will fall. I'm a committed person in everything I do. I always follow through to the end. It's hard to accept that some people can't be helped. Her shallowness is hard to accept. The path she is picking is hard to accept.

I hope that this doesn't sound like I'm going backwards. I'm giving her the separation agreement today for the final review. I'm still focused on moving.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Relationships that are born from this rarely last over a year and she will soon find out (though won't admit it) that the grass wasn't greener.
You will in time find a better replacement.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Openminded said:


> I was determined that the failure of my 45 year marriage was not going to define me. I changed everything about my life. Now it's truly my life and has nothing to do with him -- except that we share a child and grandchildren and a whole lot of memories. Once I did that, I was able to forgive him and be friends with him which is something I never thought would happen. It was a hard road to get here but it's worth it.


Some people would call a 45 year marriage a success.....


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

trying patience

You take one day at a atime.

Those days become weeks.

Weeks become years.

Focus on you and the kids. Your wife and her future are not your concern any longer.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> Some people would call a 45 year marriage a success.....


Yes, 45 years is a very long time. I do have mixed feelings about that because I never expected to be divorced. I intended to be married until the natural end like my parents and grandparents and everyone else in my family. However, in the year that I've been divorced I finally have peace in my life and I'm much happier. Now I can remember the good times and not the bad times. Life moves on.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Glad you found peace.

That is a large part of the battle in one's mind....


----------



## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Things are starting to come to a crawl here. I have the final separation agreement and now she is getting her lawyer to review it. I'm afraid that this will drag on.

This arrangement is not working well for me when she's at the house. One minute she's trying to talk to me, the next minute she looks sad, the next she's talking about separation business. Looking for ways to find relief. 

I come home late most nights when she's here but my anger is taking a hold of me. I'm not leaving this house until it's sold and I can't stop her from seeing the kids. The little things she does still affects me. I'm sure she's not getting anything from me because she's always had a hard time reading me. She's probably testing me.


----------

