# Had an affair, and now feel very guilty. Scared to tell my husband. Help Please!



## Saveme

Hi I'm new to this site, unsure if i'm posting in the right section but i'm not allowed to post anywhere else for some reason. I need help.

I [f29] got a boobjob about 4 months ago from an A cup to full C cup. I guess i was thinking about it for a while, but really decided to do it when my husband [m35] started to really lose weight and workout seriously. I was feeling somewhat unattractive so i decided to get the boobjob. Ever since then, i’ve been getting so many compliments and attention i never received before. Not only from my husband but from so many other people. I’ve never felt so sexy and attractive, it’s like people look at me like i’m a different person altogether. Sex with my husband has been a lot more kinky and wild. We do sexy massages now, and he seems to love to fondle my breasts. These are new experiences for me. 

About 2 months ago, one of my colleagues at work started to give me a lot of compliments and he has asked me quite often to go out for lunch. He works in a different department and is quite the looker. He has never really paid so much attention to me before, but that completely changed. We got to know each more, and after about a week of having lunch together, he asked me if i wanted to go out for drinks one day after work. He was also married, so i felt we knew each others boundaries. We were just flirting with each other which admittedly i really liked. So i agreed to go have a drink with him one night, and i told my husband i was working late. He took me to a very nice lounge downtown. I got a little drunk, and so did he. Next thing i knew we were making out right there in front of everybody. We ended up in a nearby hotel and i had some of the most intense sex ever. It was like i was not myself that night. The way he lusted over me, and how he touched me made lose myself. 

Ever since that night, i’ve been feeling so guilty. I had never cheated or really thought about cheating on my husband before, so i’ve been feeling torn. This intense anxiety, and guilt these past 2 weeks has been eating at my conscious. I would say i’m quite an honest person, and this feeling inside me is almost unbearable. I really want to come clean and tell him the truth, but i’m also very scared how he will react. I fear that he might not forgive me and perhaps as for a divorce if he knew the truth. I don’t know. All i know is that i can’t seem to live with this guilt. Sometimes when i’m with him, i’m so anxious that i need to take a xanax. I feel like such dirty and bad person. It’s killing me.

What should i do? Should i tell him? What if he leaves me? Feeling quite desperate here. Please help me!

TL;DR: i cheated on my husband and now suffering from severe anxiety and guilt. Want to tell him but fear he will leave me. Help! I’m desperate.


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## Oldtimer

Firstly, welcome onboard. Secondly, this looker COW didn’t have the time to give two ****s about you until you had the boob job, what does that tell you? Thirdly, tell your husband, he needs to be informed as to whether or not he wants to stay in infidelity or leave. 

You say that you and BH have upped your sex game and you enjoy it! You also don’t say anything negative about your marriage.

you need to figure out what’s broken in you and move on. 

Another persons attention is nice, but usually doesn’t mean you fall into bed with someone because they compliment you. Read your post again from an outside perspective and you’ll see how shallow your lover is. You will also see that you are a bit of an attention *****.

Now understand that this is my opinion from what I see in your post because I don’t know you, the POSOM or your BH. You will get all kinds of perspectives here and I hope you don’t leave because you don’t like what people will post. Take what you need and leave the rest.

Again, without more info on how your marriage or lifestyle etc... is, this is just opinion. 

Bottom line is that you are living in deceit and as you say, you are an honest person. Be real honest and let your BH know before it drives you crazy.

One more thing, you made out in public, big city or small town, people saw you and the POSOM doing this and believe me, word does travel.

I wish you the best in your search for truthfulness and peace.

OT


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## personofinterest

First of all, yes, you should tell him. You may be advised to keep it quite, bear the guilt, blah blah. This is the man who you made vows to, who you live with every day. Unless you are just completely devoid of conscience, do you really want to be the kind of person who sleeps next to a man who cheated on while he is oblivious every night?

No, you do not.

Second, you need to be very clear on this: It was not the alcohol. It was not the way he touched you. It has nothing to do with whether or not your husband complimented you. No one and nothing "made" you cheat. You chose to cheat. And it wasn't just one choice. You enjoyed his compliments. You went to "many lunches." You had to know all of this was a slippery slope leading to the inevitable.

IF you want to become a person of integrity again, you need to tell your husband the truth, and you need to do it without excuse. With humility. You need to be completely transparent with him.

And you need to co no contact with this man. None. Not even professional courtesy. If I were you and you REALLY feel remorse and you REALLY want to save your marriage, I would begin looking for another job.

You will come up with all sorts of noble sounding reasons to bury this. None of them are noble. All of them ARE about self-preservation.

Also, buy and begin reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair by Linda McDonald.


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## manfromlamancha

So first of all a few questions:

Did you use protection ?
Did you do anything that you have not done with your husband ?
Did you discuss your husband or marriage with the POS ?
Did you have sex with your husband after this night ?
How long have you been married to your husband ?
Are there kids involved ?

Next, my viewpoint from what you have said:

You are seeking to absolve yourself of your guilt. That is, this is not really about caring about what your husband feels or that you have any empathy or sympathy for him. You know that what you did was wrong. You chose to do it so it should never be referred to as a mistake. Do not even try to blame the alcohol. You wanted the attention and you lusted after this POSOM. The guilt is eating at you but there are chances that this could come out since you started what you did in full view of others and could have been seen. In short you want to tell him to appease your guilty feelings and to also let him know before he finds out from someone else. Not because you care for him and want to help him and do what is best for him.

The right thing to do:

Tell him the truth. No trickle truthing. No minimising or blameshifting. Offer him all the details if he wants and also offer a timeline if that applies (all the times this POSOM flirted with you, took you to lunch etc, what was discussed etc). Expect to get divorced and if this is the result, offer him as amicable a divorce as you can. Show true remorse and it goes without saying that you go NC with the POS. Make sure that the wife of the POS knows what he did.

Do you think you can do the right thing ?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

So, a man who never gave two hoots about you suddenly takes an interest after you get fake juggs. 

And you go with it?

Very sad on sooooo many levels. 

Yes... your husband deserves 100% to know.


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## personofinterest

Another note...

Many people here had their worlds crushed by a cheating partner. And no....the world wasn't crushed when they found out - it was crushed when their spouse cheated.

There will be some very blunt responses. However, IF you truly want to do the right thing and you truly love your husband enough to do the work necessary, keep reading and take the lumps.

This is a choice that YOU made. Take 100% responsibility. Your marriage CAN survive this if your husband chooses to try, but the work is on YOU, and there is no quick fix. Humility, honesty, and accountability will be your best friends.


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## sokillme

Saveme said:


> Hi I'm new to this site, unsure if i'm posting in the right section but i'm not allowed to post anywhere else for some reason. I need help.
> 
> I [f29] got a boobjob about 4 months ago from an A cup to full C cup. I guess i was thinking about it for a while, but really decided to do it when my husband [m35] started to really lose weight and workout seriously. I was feeling somewhat unattractive so i decided to get the boobjob. Ever since then, i’ve been getting so many compliments and attention i never received before. Not only from my husband but from so many other people. I’ve never felt so sexy and attractive, it’s like people look at me like i’m a different person altogether. Sex with my husband has been a lot more kinky and wild. We do sexy massages now, and he seems to love to fondle my breasts. These are new experiences for me.
> 
> About 2 months ago, one of my colleagues at work started to give me a lot of compliments and he has asked me quite often to go out for lunch. He works in a different department and is quite the looker. He has never really paid so much attention to me before, but that completely changed. We got to know each more, and after about a week of having lunch together, he asked me if i wanted to go out for drinks one day after work. He was also married, so i felt we knew each others boundaries. We were just flirting with each other which admittedly i really liked. So i agreed to go have a drink with him one night, and i told my husband i was working late. He took me to a very nice lounge downtown. I got a little drunk, and so did he. Next thing i knew we were making out right there in front of everybody. We ended up in a nearby hotel and i had some of the most intense sex ever. It was like i was not myself that night. The way he lusted over me, and how he touched me made lose myself.
> 
> Ever since that night, i’ve been feeling so guilty. I had never cheated or really thought about cheating on my husband before, so i’ve been feeling torn. This intense anxiety, and guilt these past 2 weeks has been eating at my conscious. I would say i’m quite an honest person, and this feeling inside me is almost unbearable. I really want to come clean and tell him the truth, but i’m also very scared how he will react. I fear that he might not forgive me and perhaps as for a divorce if he knew the truth. I don’t know. All i know is that i can’t seem to live with this guilt. Sometimes when i’m with him, i’m so anxious that i need to take a xanax. I feel like such dirty and bad person. It’s killing me.
> 
> What should i do? Should i tell him? What if he leaves me? Feeling quite desperate here. Please help me!
> 
> TL;DR: i cheated on my husband and now suffering from severe anxiety and guilt. Want to tell him but fear he will leave me. Help! I’m desperate.


So let me see if I got this right, you got a boob job and you ended up making with your work colleague who is married in front of other colleague only to have sex later? Primarily because you liked the attention.

First off you better tell your husband. It's going to get to him sooner or later. Someone is going to take more pity on him then you, HIS WIFE is and let him make an informed decision about his life and who he is married to. Meaning they are going to tell him. At least you can do the honorable thing and tell him, you made a vow to him remember. You were supposed to protect him from the worst of yourself. You failed in that vow and he has a right to know and make an informed decision about the rest of his life and if that includes you or not.

By doing what you did you have lost the honor of having him stay with you. You know that, it's part of why you feel guilty. You are taking away his choice, you are taking away his agency. He may decide to forgive you and take you back but he is well within his rights not to. If he leaves you that is the consequences of you discarding him and your marriage the way you did. I mean you can't act like it's that important to you NOW when you threw it away so easily right? There are no do overs in life, we have to live with the choices we made. You choose to feel good over your husband's eventual pain. 

Finally you are really really NOT self aware. You say you are an honest person but you may HAVE been one but now you are a women who had an affair because she was excited that she got some attention with some other men. THIS is who you are now. If you want to have any chance you have to start with the truth. You didn't even try to hide it from people in the room. Which also makes me think you don't care about your marriage or your husband the way you think you do. You really need to get into some IC because you are very lost. 

I don't know what you are looking for here, but there is no easy way to fix this. Unfortunately no one can "Save You" from the fallout from this or more like no one can save him, let me remind you he is the innocent party here. You have made a decision that will have long term ramifications to your entire life. That is what adultery is. It's not what the movies and love songs make it out to be. It's basically destruction of another person for you own gratification, made that much worse because the person you destroy very often loves you more then anyone else has, enough to dedicate their life to you. He did that, he dedicated his life to you and because of that you need to tell him the truth. He deserves at least that much. Tell your husband and start trying to be a better person before it gets worse. Like cancer you need to have the operation and cut it out if you don't treat it it will end up killing your marriage very slowly and may even kill yourself. Besides how can you say you love your husband when you are taking away his informed choice? Maybe you have to admit you don't love him, but then he still needs to know. He deserve better, everyone does.

The question that needs to be asked is from this point forward what kind of person will you be?


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## ConanHub

Has your lover asked for more?

What has your contact with your coworker been like since you both betrayed your families?

You do realize that you started cheating when you started anything with scumsucker that wouldn't pass the sniff test from your husband.

Have you endangered your husband's health by having sex with him since you let that slimy creep defile you?

Just a heads up...... Lover boy has lower morals than a goat in heat and could easily have given you a disease.

Unless you think you're the only brain dead, boob job bimbo this wanker has bedded?

I'm using some hard hitting language to hopefully wake you the hell up!

Both you and your husband need to get screened for diseases.

Don't risk your husband's health because you were too stupid to keep your legs closed. He doesn't deserve the risk even though you earned it all for yourself.

You are extremely selfish and self centered right now otherwise you wouldn't have cheated in the first place and wouldn't even have to ask about what you should do now.

You raped your marriage and possibly destroyed it because of your selfishness.

Don't risk another day going by without caring for your husband first.

If you had been showing love and concern for your husband in the first place, none of this would have been possible.

It is past time to start putting his needs and concerns first.


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## sokillme

A few other things you might want to think about.



> We ended up in a nearby hotel and i had some of the most intense sex ever. It was like i was not myself that night. The way he lusted over me, and how he touched me made lose myself.


They say crack cocaine gives you a very intense high like nothing else. No one ever said affairs were not fun and intense at first. Why do you think people have them? But like crack it leads to the destruction of your life. Your decision was very much like this. This is how you need to see that night. 



> I had never cheated or really thought about cheating on my husband before, so i’ve been feeling torn.


What exactly are you torn about? Do you believe in right and wrong or don't you? What kind of person are you really? Maybe you need to ask yourself that. Why do you need to post on a board to know what the right thing to do here is? Do you really not know what the right thing to do is?

Or is it that you continue to want to do what feels good to you? 

The first thing you need to do is be honest with yourself about who you are. Again who are you going to be? If you don't tell your husband you REALLY can't be writing stuff like you are an honest person. You just aren't. Right now you are an honest person when it is convenient for you. Who are you going to be going forward?


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## Saveme

Hi Everyone .. I would like to provide more context and answer all of your questions here. (new to this forum functionality so please bare with me)

First of i want to say that i know i messed up. Some of your words are harsh, but i understand where they are coming from. Without trying to excuse what i did, i want to give you some more background first before i reply to all your comments individually. I guess the reason why i wanted to get the boobjob in the first place was because i was scared that my husband started taking more care of himself. He's been working out and getting fit, tanned, buying new clothes. I suspected that he was having an affair on me, but i don't really know for sure. Nevertheless, it made me insecure in our marriage. My girlfriends were also saying that its possible that he might be having an affair. That whole situation pushed me to want the boobjob in the first place. After i did it, my husband was more attentive and it seemed to have renewed our marriage somewhat. 

I guess i lost my head with this colleague. We had meetings together before, and knew each other on a professional level, but never really crossed any boundaries. It wasn't as though just because i had bigger breasts he was interested (i don't think it was). I was also feeling more confident in myself and carried myself differently. I was more friendly and approachable. Anyways, we slept together only the one time, but he wanted to keep seeing me while i was the one who stopped it. I have not seen him outside of work (we just went to lunch to discuss what happened). I still think he's a sweet guy who is not only after me for my boobs. We both just did something we shouldn't have.

Now i'm going to start replying to all of your questions.


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## Saveme

Oldtimer said:


> Another persons attention is nice, but usually doesn’t mean you fall into bed with someone because they compliment you. Read your post again from an outside perspective and you’ll see how shallow your lover is. You will also see that you are a bit of an attention *****.
> 
> OT


I don't think i'm an attention W**** , but fine i'll take that. A bit harsh though.


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## Saveme

manfromlamancha said:


> So first of all a few questions:
> 
> Did you use protection ?
> Did you do anything that you have not done with your husband ?
> Did you discuss your husband or marriage with the POS ?
> Did you have sex with your husband after this night ?
> How long have you been married to your husband ?
> Are there kids involved ?


I am not going to answer all of your questions, but here is what i will tell you.

Yes, i used protection and I did not do anything i normally don't do with my husband. We did discuss that we were both married and shouldn't be doing this, but it happened anyways. We don't have any kids yet. 

And btw i want to do the right thing, just need time to figure how best to do it.


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## Saveme

personofinterest said:


> This is a choice that YOU made. Take 100% responsibility. Your marriage CAN survive this if your husband chooses to try, but the work is on YOU, and there is no quick fix. Humility, honesty, and accountability will be your best friends.


Thanks. I want to make this marriage work. I need to believe that i can be forgiven if once he knows. I also hope that he is also not cheating on me.


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## Saveme

sokillme said:


> So let me see if I got this right, you got a boob job and you ended up making with your work colleague who is married in front of other colleague only to have sex later? Primarily because you liked the attention.
> 
> First off you better tell your husband. It's going to get to him sooner or later. Someone is going to take more pity on him then you, HIS WIFE is and let him make an informed decision about his life and who he is married to. Meaning they are going to tell him. At least you can do the honorable thing and tell him, you made a vow to him remember. You were supposed to protect him from the worst of yourself. You failed in that vow and he has a right to know and make an informed decision about the rest of his life and if that includes you or not.
> 
> By doing what you did you have lost the honor of having him stay with you. You know that, it's part of why you feel guilty. You are taking away his choice, you are taking away his agency. He may decide to forgive you and take you back but he is well within his rights not to. If he leaves you that is the consequences of you discarding him and your marriage the way you did. I mean you can't act like it's that important to you NOW when you threw it away so easily right? There are no do overs in life, we have to live with the choices we made. You choose to feel good over your husband's eventual pain.
> 
> Finally you are really really NOT self aware. You say you are an honest person but you may HAVE been one but now you are a women who had an affair because she was excited that she got some attention with some other men. THIS is who you are now. If you want to have any chance you have to start with the truth. You didn't even try to hide it from people in the room. Which also makes me think you don't care about your marriage or your husband the way you think you do. You really need to get into some IC because you are very lost.
> 
> I don't know what you are looking for here, but there is no easy way to fix this. Unfortunately no one can "Save You" from the fallout from this or more like no one can save him, let me remind you he is the innocent party here. You have made a decision that will have long term ramifications to your entire life. That is what adultery is. It's not what the movies and love songs make it out to be. It's basically destruction of another person for you own gratification, made that much worse because the person you destroy very often loves you more then anyone else has, enough to dedicate their life to you. He did that, he dedicated his life to you and because of that you need to tell him the truth. He deserves at least that much. Tell your husband and start trying to be a better person before it gets worse. Like cancer you need to have the operation and cut it out if you don't treat it it will end up killing your marriage very slowly and may even kill yourself. Besides how can you say you love your husband when you are taking away his informed choice? Maybe you have to admit you don't love him, but then he still needs to know. He deserve better, everyone does.
> 
> The question that needs to be asked is from this point forward what kind of person will you be?


Again i admit that what i did was wrong. I'm trying to make sure our marriage can survive this if i tell him. I do agree with you this he does deserve to know. Just need to find the right timing. Btw, i did not make out with him in front of other colleagues. We were in a lounge with strangers.


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## Saveme

ConanHub said:


> Has your lover asked for more?
> 
> What has your contact with your coworker been like since you both betrayed your families?
> 
> You do realize that you started cheating when you started anything with scumsucker that wouldn't pass the sniff test from your husband.
> 
> Have you endangered your husband's health by having sex with him since you let that slimy creep defile you?
> 
> Just a heads up...... Lover boy has lower morals than a goat in heat and could easily have given you a disease.
> 
> Unless you think you're the only brain dead, boob job bimbo this wanker has bedded?
> 
> I'm using some hard hitting language to hopefully wake you the hell up!
> 
> Both you and your husband need to get screened for diseases.
> 
> Don't risk your husband's health because you were too stupid to keep your legs closed. He doesn't deserve the risk even though you earned it all for yourself.
> 
> You are extremely selfish and self centered right now otherwise you wouldn't have cheated in the first place and wouldn't even have to ask about what you should do now.
> 
> You raped your marriage and possibly destroyed it because of your selfishness.
> 
> Don't risk another day going by without caring for your husband first.
> 
> If you had been showing love and concern for your husband in the first place, none of this would have been possible.
> 
> It is past time to start putting his needs and concerns first.


I think you're just being mean here. And no i did not get any diseases or give anything to my husband.


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## attheend02

Saveme said:


> Again i admit that what i did was wrong. I'm trying to make sure our marriage can survive this if i tell him. I do agree with you this he does deserve to know. Just need to find the right timing. Btw, i did not make out with him in front of other colleagues. We were in a lounge with strangers.


You can't make sure prior to telling him. Its his call to make if you are worth the effort.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Saveme said:


> Again i admit that what i did was wrong. I'm trying to make sure our marriage can survive this if i tell him. I do agree with you this he does deserve to know. Just need to find the right timing. Btw, i did not make out with him in front of other colleagues. We were in a lounge with strangers.


You lost the moral authority to save your marriage the second you took another ****. The only thing you have now is an opportunity for honesty, remorse, and *if the opportunity is offered by the one who does have the moral grounds to save the marriage, your betrayed husband*, a lifetime of contrition and penitence.


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## ConanHub

Saveme said:


> I think you're just being mean here. And no i did not get any diseases or give anything to my husband.


I'm not being mean. You certainly are by cheating on your husband and not telling him.

Just how do you know you didn't contract anything and give it to your husband.

I find it interesting that you think my accurate words describing your extremely self centered attitude are mean.

How do you feel about your actions towards your husband?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Does H know the POSOM you had an affair with?

OP,

Will you have another affair?

Take the new boobs out for another test run, or when H is going through the righteous anger period, which he should have?

Those questions asked;

There will never be a "right time" to tell H.

But it will keep getting worse time, the longer you go without telling him.

Nothing you can do ahead of time to, as you mentioned "make sure the marriage survives" preparing type actions.

But don't wait. It will only make yours and his attitudes worse as the talk takes place.

You'll start to get angry when telling him and he responds, please resist your anger and focus on true remorse. 

If H knows this other person, it will create other issues, but, you need to tell H soonest.

It may pass, it may not. But you need to get it done.

Best of luck


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## manfromlamancha

Saveme said:


> I am not going to answer all of your questions, but here is what i will tell you.
> 
> Yes, i used protection and I did not do anything i normally don't do with my husband. We did discuss that we were both married and shouldn't be doing this, but it happened anyways. We don't have any kids yet.
> 
> And btw i want to do the right thing, just need time to figure how best to do it.


You can choose to answer what you like. This is an anonymous forum. However, if you want advice you need to be honest - mainly to yourself.

Firstly it is worth noting that you started your thread by telling us about the boobjob first and foremost. Why do you think that is ? Maybe because you would like to blame the boobjob for what happened and then the alcohol and then some stuff about you thought your husband might be cheating because he was exercising etc. This all sounds like blameshifting and I really hope you can see that.

Next (and this might give you a clue as to whether you really deserve to be given a second chance) you actually called the POSOM a really sweet guy who doesnt want to just get in your pants but is seriously interested in you (as in implying that he cares about you which might be extrapolated to might even leave his family for you). This should tell you that you are not sorry about this and are still defending that piece of scum. You really need to work on yourself.

If your marriage is a young one and there are no kids involved, then why not just get divorced? You will be free to go break up the POSOM's family and your husband will have a chance to find someone that truly loves and cares about him. And even if you have been married many years and have kids, it might still be the right time to call it quits. Why do you truly want to stay with your husband when you can go be with a sweet guy like POSOM?

Like I said you need to be honest with yourself first.


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## ConanHub

Saveme said:


> Hi Everyone .. I would like to provide more context and answer all of your questions here. (new to this forum functionality so please bare with me)
> 
> First of i want to say that i know i messed up. Some of your words are harsh, but i understand where they are coming from. Without trying to excuse what i did, i want to give you some more background first before i reply to all your comments individually. I guess the reason why i wanted to get the boobjob in the first place was because i was scared that my husband started taking more care of himself. He's been working out and getting fit, tanned, buying new clothes. I suspected that he was having an affair on me, but i don't really know for sure. Nevertheless, it made me insecure in our marriage. My girlfriends were also saying that its possible that he might be having an affair. That whole situation pushed me to want the boobjob in the first place. After i did it, my husband was more attentive and it seemed to have renewed our marriage somewhat.
> 
> I guess i lost my head with this colleague. We had meetings together before, and knew each other on a professional level, but never really crossed any boundaries. It wasn't as though just because i had bigger breasts he was interested (i don't think it was). I was also feeling more confident in myself and carried myself differently. I was more friendly and approachable. Anyways, we slept together only the one time, but he wanted to keep seeing me while i was the one who stopped it. I have not seen him outside of work (we just went to lunch to discuss what happened). I still think he's a sweet guy who is not only after me for my boobs. We both just did something we shouldn't have.
> 
> Now i'm going to start replying to all of your questions.


He is a sweet guy who betrayed his wife and treated another man's wife like a piece of meat....

You need serious help. Do you see how delusional your thinking is?

You are not seeing this clearly at all.


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## Talk2Me

You need to tell your husband as he has every right to know. You also SHOULD feel horrible and guilty and everything that comes with it. You did the absolute worst thing you could possibly do to someone you say you "LOVE" which is a crock of you know what. You don't cheat on someone that you truly love.

If you were my wife I would divorce you and leave you the second you told me you cheated. He deserves to know and he deserves to have the option to leave you which hopefully he will. Maybe, he will leave you and then tell you he's been cheating on you as well. Sounds like a perfect marriage.


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## .335487

Saveme said:


> And btw i want to do the right thing, just need time to figure how best to do it.


Why don't you want to leave the marriage? What is holding you back? You've already left, you can do the right thing by finishing what you've started.

Does he make more money than you?


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## skerzoid

Saveme said:


> I think you're just being mean here. And no i did not get any diseases or give anything to my husband.


1. *You should have approached him on the subject before you chose open your marriage to others. * This affair is all on you.

2. * How do you know that you didn't catch something from your lover?* STD tests?

3. * If you were feeling so guilty, why did you meet with him again?*

4. *Once you do this, it becomes easier the next time.*

5. *There is no way to guarantee his reaction.* For some, infidelity is a deal breaker.

6. *You have a better chance if you confess than if someone else tells him.* Pray for the best, but plan for the worst. 

7. *Most of the people on this board are the victims of infidelity.* Infidelity is one of the worst acts you can commit (I would rank it below murder and rape, but not too far below. It destroys people for life sometimes). People are bitter. Sorry, but that is what you are dealing with.

8. *I think you owe it to him*, but if you don't tell, and the guilt starts to eat at you, it may ruin your marriage anyway.

9. You might go over to survivinginfidelity.com and post your story on the "Wayward Side" board. That is mostly waywards on there. *You might get a little more support over there.*


----------



## personofinterest

Saveme said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> 
> This is a choice that YOU made. Take 100% responsibility. Your marriage CAN survive this if your husband chooses to try, but the work is on YOU, and there is no quick fix. Humility, honesty, and accountability will be your best friends.
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks. I want to make this marriage work. I need to believe that i can be forgiven if once he knows. I also hope that he is also not cheating on me.
Click to expand...

 I want you to hear what you just said. You want a guarantee that you will be forgiven before you are honest. I hope you know how self serving that sale it's.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

ConanHub said:


> He is a sweet guy who betrayed his wife and treated another man's wife like a piece of meat....
> 
> You need serious help. Do you see how delusional your thinking is?
> 
> You are not seeing this clearly at all.


OP,

He was after your boobs, not the whole you. Do not doubt that.

And, he betrayed his dear wife to get to them.

And you're not, I repeat not, the first affair he's had, no matter what he tells you.

The way he betrayed his W shows him as an accomplished liar.


----------



## Spicy

Tonight you say:

“I’ve done the most horrible thing a person can do in a marriage. I had a drunken one night stand with a coworker. It was two weeks ago and the guilt is eating me alive. The right thing to do is to tell you. I am so sorry. I hope someday, someway you can forgive me.”

Then get ready for D-day.

I hope it was one hell of an orgasm that you threw away your marriage for. :surprise:

PS- You should also inform the betrayed wife.


----------



## sokillme

Saveme said:


> I'm trying to make sure our marriage can survive this if i tell him. I do agree with you this he does deserve to know. Just need to find the right timing.


Read that sentence again. It's still all about you. If you love your husband your first thought would be about him. This is a man who's wife cheated on him in a room full of people. If he was your brother, your father how would you feel that the person that did that to him is hiding it from him? Wouldn't you move heaven and earth to tell those people, what about your closes girlfriend! Again do you want to be the type of person who treats the people you love with such disdain? You should tell him as soon as you safely can. 




> Btw, i did not make out with him in front of other colleagues. We were in a lounge with strangers.


You say that like it makes it better. How would you feel if your husband was at some restaurant making out with another women in a lounge full of people. Do you respect your husband at all? You are his wife. Again look at your thinking here, you actually wrote that sentence like it is somehow better. You are lost right now. Realize this because you are making very poor choices and continue to do so. You are hurting your own soul. You are going to have to live with the choices you are making now, and the more you hide from the truth the harder it all is going to be. 

Your like the guy who robbed the bank and is about to get caught and is in a high speed chase.

Please start being his wife again even if it is for an short time longer. Part of your job is to protect him, even from the worst of your own nature which is the part in control of you right now. 

STOP IT!

If there is any part of the women you were who said those vows and honored and cherished him find her and let her drive long enough to give your husband the truth about his wife.


----------



## Spicy

Also, every day you wait just adds to the deception.


----------



## TJW

You don't have to answer any of our questions. However, we are pointing out the kind of questions you will likely have to answer when posed by your husband. 

If you make statements like "we knew it was wrong".... make that in the first person, viz., "...I knew it was wrong...". Your husband will not want to hear about how you were "led" by another man into an affair.

Making statements like "he was a looker" to your husband will deliver a message that you prefer this other man over your husband. So will any defending of the other man.

Adding phrases like "...but it happened anyway...." will be viewed by your husband as a refusal of responsibility.

Accusing your husband of cheating on you is a blame-shift.


----------



## personofinterest

Spicy said:


> Tonight you say:
> 
> “I’ve done the most horrible thing a person can do in a marriage. I had a drunken one night stand with a coworker. It was two weeks ago and the guilt is eating me alive. The right thing to do is to tell you. I am so sorry. I hope someday, someway you can forgive me.”
> 
> Then get ready for D-day.
> 
> I hope it was one hell of an orgasm that you threw away your marriage for. <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_surprise.png" border="0" alt="" title="EEK! Surprise!" ></a>
> 
> PS- You should also inform the betrayed wife.


 This is exactly what you should say. You should do it tonight, and then you should back it up by doing what ever he asks, by giving him access to every elecktronic device you own Kama to having a plan to stay no contact, and to working on yourself as hard as


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Saveme said:


> I need to believe that i can be forgiven if once he knows. I also hope that he is also not cheating on me.


This is all so classic
*I* want to save *MY* marriage
*I *need to be forgiven
*I'm* going to equivocate and blame shift wherever *I *can to make *myself *look less bad. 

It's all about you and what you want. Isn't that what got you in this situation in the first place? I want to be more desired. I want a new rack that'll make me feel more desired. I want to respond with my body to a slimeball who's cheating on his wife (and yes, no matter how much you try to delude yourself into thinking he's a nice guy, he is indeed a slimeball for cheating on his wife, and even if not married, for sleeping with a married woman).

All this what you want has put you in a bit of a pickle, now hasn't it?

And here's the real clincher. The ONLY hope of recovery here is that you are completely, honestly, and totally contrite, remorseful, and penitent. Part of that means no longer thinking at all of what YOU want, but only of what's best for the man you betrayed. ONLY when you are completely committed to him knowing the WHOLE truth and not only letting him make a decision based on a 100% full and open disclosure, but also supporting whatever decision he makes based on that truth, even if its not the one YOU want.... if and ONLY then are you doing what you need to do. 

Anything less is just you still looking out for #1, which means your are not worthy of his staying. 

Get it yet? 




Saveme said:


> AI do agree with you this he does deserve to know. Just need to find the right timing.


Please understand that there simply is no "right timing" for something like this. You kissed "right" goodbye the moment you kissed another man. Now there is still plenty of wrong, and that wrong lives, breeds, and grows in every minute you continue to fail to tell your husband (and the other betrayed wife) the truth. There is no time like the present. No changing that. Anything else is just continuing to duck your responsibility and further proving you're not really doing anything but covering your own ass.


----------



## Marc878

You may feel guilty but if you have any contact with your new lover your affair will continue.

They always do.


----------



## personofinterest

I am going to wait and see if the OP posts again.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

personofinterest said:


> I am going to wait and see if the OP posts again.



At this point I won't be surprised if she doesn't. This really sounds like a classic case of "tell me what to do to keep hubby from leaving me." When the answers are not what she's looking for.... bail.


----------



## personofinterest

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> 
> I am going to wait and see if the OP posts again.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> At this point I won't be surprised if she doesn't. This really sounds like a classic case of "tell me what to do to keep hubby from leaving me." When the answers are not what she's looking for.... bail.
Click to expand...

 A dear friend of mine had an affair. She told her husband the full truth, she did not blame shifted all, and when she told him she said she would work as hard as she could if he thought that they could reconcile, but that if he wanted her to leave she would pack a bag that night and give him whatever he needed. She assumed he would divorce her the moment she confessed. Because of her hard work and humility and responsibility, they are married and seem pretty happy. But she understood what she had done and what she did and did not deserve. Not many wayward spouses do.


----------



## Talk2Me

She's not going to tell him. Let's call it what it is. She's also going to continue cheating on him. I hope when she gets caught that her husband pays this man a visit.


----------



## NorseViking

OP has no children with her hubby?
He will dump her like trash when he finds out or she should just give him up first.
Set him free and give him what he wants in the divorce.
She should then move far away and go no contact with him.
OP has no respect or no boundaries or no love for her hubby.


----------



## ConanHub

NorseViking said:


> OP has no children with her hubby?
> He will dump her like trash when he finds out or she should just give him up first.
> Set him free and give him what he wants in the divorce.
> She should then move far away and go no contact with him.
> OP has no respect or no boundaries or no love for her hubby.


I have seen quite a few betrayed spouses keep their waywards when they came clean with no excuses and were willing to work their asses off to rebuild the marriage they destroyed.

People can work with honesty and often choose to rebuild.


----------



## sokillme

personofinterest said:


> A dear friend of mine had an affair. She told her husband the full truth, she did not blame shifted all, and when she told him she said she would work as hard as she could if he thought that they could reconcile, but that if he wanted her to leave she would pack a bag that night and give him whatever he needed. She assumed he would divorce her the moment she confessed. Because of her hard work and humility and responsibility, they are married and seem pretty happy. But she understood what she had done and what she did and did not deserve. Not many wayward spouses do.


Poor guy.


----------



## sokillme

never mind.


----------



## NextTimeAround

> Next (and this might give you a clue as to whether you really deserve to be given a second chance) you actually called the POSOM a really sweet guy who doesnt want to just get in your pants but is seriously interested in you (as in implying that he cares about you which might be extrapolated to might even leave his family for you). This should tell you that you are not sorry about this and are still defending that piece of scum. You really need to work on yourself.


I imagine she wrote this to justify her decision to have an affair with him.

Saveme, one possibility is that if you ever take your husband to a work do, your paramour may behave in ways that will get your husband thinking ........ 

sorry that the medicine here tastes bad but try to imagine if you were the betrayed spouse. Your husband's colleagues give you strange looks especially when you mention that he's been working late and you're very understanding of that.

When you're showing remorse, you could offer that you will go to a therapist. What happened to you is quite common. I was reading a book about how obesity affects people socially. When obese people get surgery and become thinner, the author had to report that many of them ended up divorcing their spouse as they succumbed to the intoxication of new and admiring attention. These are immature sentiments. No one in a committed relationship should fall for some brief attention. I would also advise you that the way you described your sexual encounter will most likely upset your husband so consider whether he should look here.

As others have mentioned, he may want access to your online accounts and other devices. I certainly wanted to see those of my (future) husband before I continued the relationship. The discussions that he had with his so called friend were very illuminating.

Tell your husband about what happened. Be ready for the fallout and if you want to stay in the marriage with him, you have to do everything possible to be AND appear as trustworthy as possible.

Shouldn't we have a section for wayward partners who are remorseful?


----------



## uhtred

@Saveme

I see nothing to be gained by telling your husband. 

Most other people disagree, but that is my feeling. 






Saveme said:


> snip
> 
> Ever since that night, i’ve been feeling so guilty. I had never cheated or really thought about cheating on my husband before, so i’ve been feeling torn. This intense anxiety, and guilt these past 2 weeks has been eating at my conscious. I would say i’m quite an honest person, and this feeling inside me is almost unbearable. I really want to come clean and tell him the truth, but i’m also very scared how he will react. I fear that he might not forgive me and perhaps as for a divorce if he knew the truth. I don’t know. All i know is that i can’t seem to live with this guilt. Sometimes when i’m with him, i’m so anxious that i need to take a xanax. I feel like such dirty and bad person. It’s killing me.
> 
> What should i do? Should i tell him? What if he leaves me? Feeling quite desperate here. Please help me!
> 
> TL;DR: i cheated on my husband and now suffering from severe anxiety and guilt. Want to tell him but fear he will leave me. Help! I’m desperate.


----------



## NextTimeAround

uhtred said:


> @Saveme
> 
> I see nothing to be gained by telling your husband.
> 
> Most other people disagree, but that is my feeling.


Can you support that advice?


----------



## uhtred

From discussions here, I see a significant number of men never get over hearing about their partner's affair. So I see two regrettable but distinct futures for the OP. One where she feels guilt but she and her husband continue in a happy marriage, and the other where her husband is also unhappy and possibly they divorce.


Affairs are an unusual sort of offense because as long as no disease is transmitted, the injured party is only injured when they find out. 




NextTimeAround said:


> Can you support that advice?


----------



## MattMatt

@Saveme If you don't tell him, there's a damn good chance someone else will.

So, tell him. And yes, I have been in your situation and my telling my wife helped.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

uhtred said:


> From discussions here, I see a significant number of men never get over hearing about their partner's affair. So I see two regrettable but distinct futures for the OP. One where she feels guilt but she and her husband continue in a happy marriage, and the other where her husband is also unhappy and possibly they divorce.
> 
> 
> Affairs are an unusual sort of offense because as long as no disease is transmitted, the injured party is only injured when they find out.


If she feels guilt, then it's not a "happy marriage." No matter how you slice it, damage has been done,.


----------



## Bibi1031

You can't be saved by anyone else but yourself. 

Own up to what you did. It will be hard, but your spouse deserves the truth. I hope you two work things out. Please suggest marriage counseling to your spouse. I hope he gives you another chance.

If he doesn't, accept defeat and seek Individual counselling to help you navigate a healthier relationship in the future. Come back and let us know how you are doing. You were at a vulnerable stage in your life and marriage. But you have to be an adult and own your choices and understand the consequences that come with those choices. 

Whether your marriage survives infidelity or not, you need to get healthier for YOU! Please get professional help.


----------



## personofinterest

sokillme said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> 
> A dear friend of mine had an affair. She told her husband the full truth, she did not blame shifted all, and when she told him she said she would work as hard as she could if he thought that they could reconcile, but that if he wanted her to leave she would pack a bag that night and give him whatever he needed. She assumed he would divorce her the moment she confessed. Because of her hard work and humility and responsibility, they are married and seem pretty happy. But she understood what she had done and what she did and did not deserve. Not many wayward spouses do.
> 
> 
> 
> Poor guy.
Click to expand...

 You know what… this was totally uncalled for. My friend worked her butt off and repented and spent years regaining the trust of her husband, who loves her dearly by the way. I understand the way you are, but you need to just shut up about my friend because you don't know her


----------



## personofinterest

uhtred said:


> @Saveme
> 
> I see nothing to be gained by telling your husband.
> 
> Most other people disagree, but that is my feeling.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Saveme said:
> 
> 
> 
> snip
> 
> Ever since that night, i’ve been feeling so guilty. I had never cheated or really thought about cheating on my husband before, so i’ve been feeling torn. This intense anxiety, and guilt these past 2 weeks has been eating at my conscious. I would say i’m quite an honest person, and this feeling inside me is almost unbearable. I really want to come clean and tell him the truth, but i’m also very scared how he will react. I fear that he might not forgive me and perhaps as for a divorce if he knew the truth. I don’t know. All i know is that i can’t seem to live with this guilt. Sometimes when i’m with him, i’m so anxious that i need to take a xanax. I feel like such dirty and bad person. It’s killing me.
> 
> What should i do? Should i tell him? What if he leaves me? Feeling quite desperate here. Please help me!
> 
> TL;DR: i cheated on my husband and now suffering from severe anxiety and guilt. Want to tell him but fear he will leave me. Help! I’m desperate.
Click to expand...

Sorry, uhtred. You are dead wrong.


----------



## sokillme

personofinterest said:


> You know what… this was totally uncalled for. My friend worked her butt off and repented and spent years regaining the trust of her husband, who loves her dearly by the way. I understand the way you are, but you need to just shut up about my friend because you don't know her


I didn't say a word about your friend. I felt bad for her husband, nothing you wrote in that sentence makes me feel any different.

And you need to stop telling people to shut up that's too much even for you.


----------



## personofinterest

sokillme said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> 
> You know what… this was totally uncalled for. My friend worked her butt off and repented and spent years regaining the trust of her husband, who loves her dearly by the way. I understand the way you are, but you need to just shut up about my friend because you don't know her
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I didn't say a word about your friend. I felt bad for her husband, nothing you wrote in that sentence makes me feel any different.
Click to expand...


Either apologize or shut up.

Bottom line, her husband isn't an unhealthy butter ass intent on spreading permanent misery


----------



## just got it 55

Saveme said:


> Hi Everyone .. I would like to provide more context and answer all of your questions here. (new to this forum functionality so please bare with me)
> 
> First of i want to say that i know i messed up. Some of your words are harsh, but i understand where they are coming from. Without trying to excuse what i did, i want to give you some more background first before i reply to all your comments individually. I guess the reason why i wanted to get the boobjob in the first place was because i was scared that my husband started taking more care of himself. He's been working out and getting fit, tanned, buying new clothes. I suspected that he was having an affair on me, but i don't really know for sure. Nevertheless, it made me insecure in our marriage. My girlfriends were also saying that its possible that he might be having an affair. That whole situation pushed me to want the boobjob in the first place. After i did it, my husband was more attentive and it seemed to have renewed our marriage somewhat.
> 
> I guess i lost my head with this colleague. We had meetings together before, and knew each other on a professional level, but never really crossed any boundaries. It wasn't as though just because i had bigger breasts he was interested (i don't think it was). I was also feeling more confident in myself and carried myself differently. I was more friendly and approachable. Anyways, we slept together only the one time, but he wanted to keep seeing me while i was the one who stopped it. I have not seen him outside of work (we just went to lunch to discuss what happened). I still think he's a sweet guy who is not only after me for my boobs. We both just did something we shouldn't have.
> 
> Now i'm going to start replying to all of your questions.


 @Saveme unfortunatly... the Cheater was always within

The New Boobs just let her loose.

You know how I know this?

Because when your husband showed more interest It wasn't enough

for you

Now you need to figure out how to exorcise this demon

I'd start with the truth as the truth will always be

55


----------



## sokillme

personofinterest said:


> Either apologize or shut up.
> 
> Bottom line, her husband isn't an unhealthy butter ass intent on spreading permanent misery


All I said was poor guy, his wife cheated on him, I am allowed to feel sympathy. Though NOW I suspect you are so defensive because it's not really how you say and you and your friend know it.


----------



## MattMatt

sokillme said:


> Poor guy.


*Moderator message:-*

Knock it off, please.


----------



## Decorum

Saveme said:


> I still think he's a sweet guy who is not only after me for my boobs. We both just did something we shouldn't have.


I can almost guarantee that if you say this to your husband, it will end your marriage.

I am giving you the benefit of the doubt that you are really this naive, and lack the tools of self-reflection to know any better. This will make saving your marriage that much harder. 

Your affair partner repeatedly crossed boundaries, and disrespected your marriage by asking you out. He did this so he could get you to compromise, and take you down the slippery slope of cheating.

How sweet of him!

You ignored those red flags, went with him, and even lied to your husband (the compromise).

That alone will damage your husbands trust, and your marriage.

You were so flattered by this guy, you can't imagine his interest in you was anything but genuine. He wanted to screw you. He has probably done this before. 

The talk of, "we are married, we shouldn't be doing this", is the kind of insincere banter guys like him use to try to put a girl at ease as he raises your arousal level.

Lastly, if you let your husband know just how good the sex was, he will never get over it.

So what is the plan? 

Tell your husband the truth, but lie your ass off while doing so? Live a lie, in a dishonest relationship?

Or tell the truth, and take your consequences?

It wasn't very nice of that "sweet guy" to put you in this position. Was it?

Your friend did you no favor by undermining your marriage either. She sounds like someone in middle school. Don't go to her for advice anymore. 



Saveme said:


> Thanks. I want to make this marriage work. I need to believe that i can be forgiven if once he knows.


The odds are against it. 
You may have to continue, the disrespect, dishonesty, and manipulation in order to stay married.

If so then I predict you will be back in bed with Mr.Sweetness, having the best sex of your life. At least he will get to enjoy those awesome boobs again.


----------



## Decorum

Saveme said:


> Hi Everyone .. I would like to provide more context and answer all of your questions here. (new to this forum functionality so please bare with me)
> 
> First of i want to say that i know i messed up. Some of your words are harsh, but i understand where they are coming from. Without trying to excuse what i did, i want to give you some more background first before i reply to all your comments individually. I guess the reason why i wanted to get the boobjob in the first place was because i was scared that my husband started taking more care of himself. He's been working out and getting fit, tanned, buying new clothes. I suspected that he was having an affair on me, but i don't really know for sure. Nevertheless, it made me insecure in our marriage. My girlfriends were also saying that its possible that he might be having an affair. That whole situation pushed me to want the boobjob in the first place. After i did it, my husband was more attentive and it seemed to have renewed our marriage somewhat.
> 
> I guess i lost my head with this colleague. We had meetings together before, and knew each other on a professional level, but never really crossed any boundaries. It wasn't as though just because i had bigger breasts he was interested (i don't think it was). I was also feeling more confident in myself and carried myself differently. I was more friendly and approachable. Anyways, we slept together only the one time, but he wanted to keep seeing me while i was the one who stopped it. I have not seen him outside of work (we just went to lunch to discuss what happened). I still think he's a sweet guy who is not only after me for my boobs. We both just did something we shouldn't have.
> 
> Now i'm going to start replying to all of your questions.





Saveme said:


> Hi I'm new to this site, unsure if i'm posting in the right section but i'm not allowed to post anywhere else for some reason. I need help.
> 
> I [f29] got a boobjob about 4 months ago from an A cup to full C cup. I guess i was thinking about it for a while, but really decided to do it when my husband [m35] started to really lose weight and workout seriously. I was feeling somewhat unattractive so i decided to get the boobjob. Ever since then, i’ve been getting so many compliments and attention i never received before. Not only from my husband but from so many other people. I’ve never felt so sexy and attractive, it’s like people look at me like i’m a different person altogether. Sex with my husband has been a lot more kinky and wild. We do sexy massages now, and he seems to love to fondle my breasts. These are new experiences for me.
> 
> About 2 months ago, one of my colleagues at work started to give me a lot of compliments and he has asked me quite often to go out for lunch. He works in a different department and is quite the looker. He has never really paid so much attention to me before, but that completely changed. We got to know each more, and after about a week of having lunch together, he asked me if i wanted to go out for drinks one day after work. He was also married, so i felt we knew each others boundaries. We were just flirting with each other which admittedly i really liked. So i agreed to go have a drink with him one night, and i told my husband i was working late. He took me to a very nice lounge downtown. I got a little drunk, and so did he. Next thing i knew we were making out right there in front of everybody. We ended up in a nearby hotel and i had some of the most intense sex ever. It was like i was not myself that night. The way he lusted over me, and how he touched me made lose myself.
> 
> Ever since that night, i’ve been feeling so guilty. I had never cheated or really thought about cheating on my husband before, so i’ve been feeling torn. This intense anxiety, and guilt these past 2 weeks has been eating at my conscious. I would say i’m quite an honest person, and this feeling inside me is almost unbearable. I really want to come clean and tell him the truth, but i’m also very scared how he will react. I fear that he might not forgive me and perhaps as for a divorce if he knew the truth. I don’t know. All i know is that i can’t seem to live with this guilt. Sometimes when i’m with him, i’m so anxious that i need to take a xanax. I feel like such dirty and bad person. It’s killing me.
> 
> What should i do? Should i tell him? What if he leaves me? Feeling quite desperate here. Please help me!
> 
> TL;DR: i cheated on my husband and now suffering from severe anxiety and guilt. Want to tell him but fear he will leave me. Help! I’m desperate.


----------



## NJ2

FWIW- I had an A - kept it secret for 25 years- the guilt dishonesty and shame prevented me from being truly intimate on an emotional level with my h. 

It was always in the back of my mind that I didn't deserve him, that there was something wrong with me that I could do that-and what would he do if he found out....

I told him 4 years ago - because I thought he was having an A and I wanted to come finally clean for many reasons- 2x4's from here- realizing just how devastating the consequences are from an A.

Experiencing the agony first hand made me understand fully. I also realized that I had taken choice away from him by not being honest. It's just plain wrong and selfish.

We went to Mc and ic-we worked mostly through it- and we are still together. Some of the hurt will never go away for either of us, the trust will
Never be 100%

Oh and btw my ic told me not to tell him years ago- she said it would only hurt him and I would only be doing it to lessen my guilt 
2perspectived


----------



## notmyjamie

I think you need to be completely honest with yourself about WHY this happened. New boobs doesn't just change someone's moral compass. I have new boobs...got them in January. In my case, I had a reduction and a lift. I'm half the girl I used to be and they're now where they're supposed to be. Have I gotten a ton of attention because of them? Yup...to the point of it being annoying. And I thought men stared at them and commented a lot before the surgery...how naive of me.

I left my husband days before my surgery. Although we are not divorced yet, a case could be made that I am free to be with whoever I want at this point. I've had a few different offers that I did not accept although one tempted me, I'll admit it. I didn't, because I haven't filed for divorce yet and so I'm still married and so it would be wrong based on my moral compass. My new boobs did not change my compass at all, and neither did yours. 

I suspect that your worry that he was cheating made you insecure, feel undesired, etc, etc and although he had an increased interest after the surgery, it made you feel like it wasn't YOU he desired, but a pair of boobs. That would be tough to live with I'm sure. But you just traded one guy who you think only wants you for your boobs for another (who is not a sweet guy btw.) That was a lateral move and I suspect if you're honest with yourself, hasn't helped you with that insecurity at all. Now you've just got horrific guilt and the fear of losing your husband on top of the insecurity. I'm sympathetic to your insecurity believe me...I'm married to a man that has zero desire for me sexually. None. 

My advice is to come clean, do whatever your husband asks, and if you're lucky he'll want to hash this out in therapy. Be prepared for your marriage to end or be damaged for a few years at least. My final thought is that you should figure out if your husband is cheating because if he is you need to decide if the marriage is worth all the work of therapy, rebuilding trust, etc. 

Whatever you decide I wish good luck to you and your husband.


----------



## red oak

Most have said all there is to say. 

You aren't self-aware. If you were you would know you are insecure, in regards to yourself, and your marriage even before this took place. The attention you are getting is making you feel like someone.

Since you said you and the OM both discussed how it was wrong before hand meaning there was no: Next thing i knew we were making out: rationalization.
It was premeditated, You knew what was going to happen, you hoped it would happen, and had been leading it on. Somewhere in the back of your mind their was a play going on involving the OM. Only when you can be honest about that can you begin to call yourself an honest person.

My XW was very similar to you on eating up attention. 

Until you get the idea out of your head the OM is some kind of good guy, there is little hope for your marriage. Once all the guilt is gone, a year or 2 years from now you will have an accident again.

An open wife would have went to her husband, and told him what was taking place so he could have options in dealing with a pursuer.


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## Hopeful Cynic

uhtred said:


> From discussions here, I see a significant number of men never get over hearing about their partner's affair. So I see two regrettable but distinct futures for the OP. One where she feels guilt but she and her husband continue in a happy marriage, and the other where her husband is also unhappy and possibly they divorce.
> 
> Affairs are an unusual sort of offense because as long as no disease is transmitted, the injured party is only injured when they find out.


Nope, that is completely untrue. Every day she lies to him by faking being a faithful wife, is another day he is spending being devoted to a selfish liar. The damage is done and the injury exists - the pain signal simply hasn't reached the brain yet.


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## Saveme

Hi Everyone ... I've read all your comments and i have almost gained the courage to tell him. I know in my heart that's the right thing to do, i'm just still scared. I feel i need to prepare for what can happen next. Some of you asked why i want to still remain in this marriage? It's not because he makes more money than me. It's because i think i learned something about myself through this process (even though its not over). No one is perfect, not me, not my husband, not my colleague, and not even you all. I did break my vows and now i'm paying for it. I've come to really accept that. Instead of starting anew, i just want to try to make it work (regardless if my husband is also cheating on me or not). Something has to give, since i cannot live with this guilt and shame. 

I have a question though, what if my husband is also having an affair? I can probably forgive him, but is there any chance our marriage can survive?

ps. thanks to most of you for your comments, even though read it hurts. Sorry, I cannot possibly reply to all of you individually.


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## Marc878

There is always a possibility. Without trust, truth, transparency and solid boundaries. Probably not.

Once you open the door to infidelity you have zero control on what comes out of it.

It seems like you are using the possibility of your husband having an affair to offset or mitigate your own actions. 

If you don't own your choices/decisions you'll never fix them and your behavior will continue.

The other thing is if you want this to work you'll have to go complete no contact with your affair partner.
Which means one of you leaves the job.

Unfortunately there aren't many other options around this. Affairs do and will have consequences.

Read up. This is what you've brought into your marriage
https://www.loveshack.org/forums/ro...365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know


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## uhtred

A marriage can survive if both people want it to survive.

Do you have any reason to think he is having an affair?



Saveme said:


> snip
> 
> I have a question though, what if my husband is also having an affair? I can probably forgive him, but is there any chance our marriage can survive?
> snip
> 
> .


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## red oak

A marriage can survive if both are willing to apply themselves. 

We live in a society where most people have a mindset once they're married goal achieved, and a is well. 

Reality. A marriage is living breathing entity which needs to be fed, nurtured,, and watered daily. 
It should be continually growing, strengthening and evolving. It only happens by sharing a life together. One should be tendi6it consciously.

When you do tell him. Please don't in the same day ask him if he is cheating, for if he isn't it may well appear as an attack on him. 

As for your statement


> I can probably forgive him,/QUOTE]
> Seriously??
> 
> You want him to understand, and forgive you, but you are saying if he has you could probably forgive him?
> Sounds a little like what's good for the goose isn't for the gander.


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## manfromlamancha

I am glad that you are working up the courage to tell him. Remember the advice being given: tell the whole truth, offer details if requested, dont hide anything, dont blameshift and take responsibility for it. Make it all about helping him to heal rather than saving the marriage. And without a doubt NC with the POS and also let the wife of the POS know.

There are two separate issues here: one is your cheating and what to do with it and the second is why you think your husband is cheating. Both have to be handled separately. And maybe it is worth looking at the second one first. If he is displaying signs of cheating then you will have to go into stealth mode to find evidence of this (that you should save). Confront when you are ready to. Then tell him about your cheating too. If it is the case that both of you are cheating, then just maybe neither of you should be married.

Now you also said that the reason you want to stay is not because he makes more than you but because you had found out something about yourself. What was it ?


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## Decorum

manfromlamancha said:


> I am glad that you are working up the courage to tell him. Remember the advice being given: tell the whole truth, offer details if requested, dont hide anything, dont blameshift and take responsibility for it. Make it all about helping him to heal rather than saving the marriage. And without a doubt NC with the POS and also let the wife of the POS know.
> 
> There are two separate issues here: one is your cheating and what to do with it and the second is why you think your husband is cheating. Both have to be handled separately. And maybe it is worth looking at the second one first. If he is displaying signs of cheating then you will have to go into stealth mode to find evidence of this (that you should save). Confront when you are ready to. Then tell him about your cheating too. If it is the case that both of you are cheating, then just maybe neither of you should be married.
> 
> Now you also said that the reason you want to stay is not because he makes more than you but because you had found out something about yourself. What was it ?


 There is a lot of good advice in many of these posts. 

What @manfromlamancha suggested in his first paragraph is exactly how you should do it, (The whole post is very good btw).

It gives you the best chance to have an honest relationship and move past this.

When you finally have that discussion tell your husband that you realize now how you used such poor judgment because of your insecurities, and you are going to address this with your counselor in IC.

From your replies I can see that you are fundamentally a good person. Goodness is the basis for genuine happiness, but you will have to do the real work of addressing your insecurities in real world ways with the help of your individual counselor. It will not be easy.

Btw a confident woman, who knows she has options, and knows how to give herself and keep herself for her man is very sexy and attractive. Your husband will not want to lose that.


Now...

His cheating does complicate it. It might be best to hold off and get some evidence of it, but the clock is ticking.

This forum is very good at giving advice on collecting evidence. I dont know if we can switch to that here but here is a link to the standard evidence page. Maybe read through that and come back with some questions.

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


If you find something DO NOT JUST CONFRONT!!! Come back here and let us help you. You can really mess things up if you confront too soon.

I hope this can work out for the two of you.


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## Spicy

Once you tell him, please keep posting, and we can try to help you navigate the rest of it.


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## ConanHub

Saveme said:


> Hi Everyone ... I've read all your comments and i have almost gained the courage to tell him. I know in my heart that's the right thing to do, i'm just still scared. I feel i need to prepare for what can happen next. Some of you asked why i want to still remain in this marriage? It's not because he makes more money than me. It's because i think i learned something about myself through this process (even though its not over). No one is perfect, not me, not my husband, not my colleague, and not even you all. I did break my vows and now i'm paying for it. I've come to really accept that. Instead of starting anew, i just want to try to make it work (regardless if my husband is also cheating on me or not). Something has to give, since i cannot live with this guilt and shame.
> 
> I have a question though, what if my husband is also having an affair? I can probably forgive him, but is there any chance our marriage can survive?
> 
> ps. thanks to most of you for your comments, even though read it hurts. Sorry, I cannot possibly reply to all of you individually.


I'm not sure that your idea of him having an affair is a great idea to keep bringing up in conjunction with your very real knowledge of yours.

Just deal with your end of things and expect some very upsetting emotional responses.

You might want to look up some counselors who are experienced at dealing with infidelity, to help you communicate better with him.

He might need assurances that are worded correctly.

He also will probably have really bad feelings about you still working and having lunch with your affair partner.

Are you willing to work very hard to rebuild your marriage?

Are you able to switch jobs? Going no contact with your affair partner is probably a minimum requirement along with full disclosure and honesty with your husband.

Why did your girlfriends think your husband was having an affair and did they encourage you in any way to flirt or stray with another man?


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## Andy1001

Saveme said:


> Hi Everyone ... I've read all your comments and i have almost gained the courage to tell him. I know in my heart that's the right thing to do, i'm just still scared. I feel i need to prepare for what can happen next. Some of you asked why i want to still remain in this marriage? It's not because he makes more money than me. It's because i think i learned something about myself through this process (even though its not over). No one is perfect, not me, not my husband, not my colleague, and not even you all. I did break my vows and now i'm paying for it. I've come to really accept that. Instead of starting anew, i just want to try to make it work (regardless if my husband is also cheating on me or not). Something has to give, since i cannot live with this guilt and shame.
> 
> I have a question though, what if my husband is also having an affair? I can probably forgive him, but is there any chance our marriage can survive?
> 
> ps. thanks to most of you for your comments, even though read it hurts. Sorry, I cannot possibly reply to all of you individually.


You are still trying to lessen your guilt about having sex with a player who played you like a pinball machine. A new set of boobs just released the inner you, you ****ed this “sweet guy” in a local hotel after making out in a local bar.Did he phone his wife and kids to say he was working late? And I actually believe that you think nobody you knew saw you, because you really are that naive. 
Now you are trying to justify your actions by suggesting that your husband is having an affair.Because he improved himself the hard way,working out and watching his diet,not by surgery. 
Projecting much?


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## Robert22205

There's been a lot of research on adulterers and the impact on the betrayed spouse. It takes 3-5 years of hard work to recover and some never do. If there's no kids, it may make more sense to just divorce.

Cheaters all share the following personality characteristics in the context of a relationship (selfish, entitled, deceitful, and lack empathy for their spouse). 
This is not intended to be mean. Understand that you can't fix what you refuse to acknowledge. And whether your husband decides to R will among other things depend on what you do (action vs words) to fix yourself. 

Before confessing you should read: 
- How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. MacDonald 
- Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass (to help you understand how you got here).


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## Oldtimer

Save me, I’m glad you came back. Basically what that tells me is that there is sincerity in your wanting to head down a better path. You have been slammed on being a WW, but by the same token, you have also received a lot of excellent advise.

Please keep posting and getting what you need to remove yourself from this situation. 

You stated that if hubby had an A, you would forgive him, you know him best and if your mindsets are similar, do you not think he may be the same? It’s a fifty/fifty shot that you have to take. You have to be prepared to do the work either way. Find the broken part that caused you to cheat as well as reparation for the cheating.

Again I wish you well.

OT


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## sokillme

Saveme said:


> Hi Everyone ... I've read all your comments and i have almost gained the courage to tell him. I know in my heart that's the right thing to do, i'm just still scared. I feel i need to prepare for what can happen next. Some of you asked why i want to still remain in this marriage? It's not because he makes more money than me. It's because i think i learned something about myself through this process (even though its not over). No one is perfect, not me, not my husband, not my colleague, and not even you all. I did break my vows and now i'm paying for it. I've come to really accept that. Instead of starting anew, i just want to try to make it work (regardless if my husband is also cheating on me or not). Something has to give, since i cannot live with this guilt and shame.
> 
> I have a question though, what if my husband is also having an affair? I can probably forgive him, but is there any chance our marriage can survive?
> 
> ps. thanks to most of you for your comments, even though read it hurts. Sorry, I cannot possibly reply to all of you individually.


First off thank God it hurts that means you are not a monster. People who can do things like have affairs without feeling guilt are very broken and dangerous people. It shows a true lack of morals and compassion. It means they are not fully developed emotionally. Again this is not us hurting you it's the consequences of you actions. It hurts because you know it's true.

There are two major decisions that will effect the rest of your life when having an affair. The first is the affair itself, but the second is how you will proceed from that point. 

Again drawing to my analogy of robbing a bank. Having the affair is like robbing the bank, deciding not to tell is like the high speed chance afterwards, the longer you go the better chance it is to have a high speed wreck and do even more damage. 

Whether or not he is having and affair is immaterial to you telling him. This involves your own soul. Can you call yourself a good person when you live your life removing such a major choice from the primary person in your life for selfish reasons? I personally don't think you can. You don't understand it intellectually yet but you do emotionally, and this is why you are dealing with such guilt. 

The first and primary thing you must deal to turn away from the dark and destructive path you are on is to come clean. You must face the consequences of your actions. This is really the only path of redemption for you. 

Then you must figure out why you will willing to throw away your life so easily from fear, which after hearing the full story from you is what I think your primary motivation was. I think you enjoyed having attention but I think you also were afraid that your husband possibly having the an affair somehow reflected on you worth. Hence the affair is a way to prove to yourself that you are worthy. But I think you made a grave miscalculation, attractiveness is a very shallow quality and as you grow older this becomes more and more clear. But things like honor, loyalty, faithfulness, these are the things that we have total control over and therefor show our true merit. You must regain those qualities or I fear it will only contribute more to your feeling of unworthiness. 

So unfortunately I don't think your affair in the end are going to help with your issues but has not compounded them. I also think with some more wisdom and some knowledge of who the man you had an affair with really is it will probably only contribute to more issues. I suspect you will find that you were not special to this man or the first. Just someone who was really struggling and whom with his advances he could easialy target because you were so responsive to what other more confident women would rebuff. I think this will also change your view of this man and you one night together. You can only hope for as much as having a true picture will help you on the right path. Once his wife finds out (and wheather you tell or not one day she will, AND SHE MAY THEN TELL YOUR HUSBAND) I suspect you will get the true story of who he is. 

YOU NEED to get counseling for these issues or you will never be safe to anyone even yourself. You were willing to do a very cruel thing because you were insecure. Trading your soul to temperately feel good about yourself is no way to gain confidence. 

As far as your husband having and affair, if he did you are free and within your rights to move on from him. The thing is you were always free to do that but without any true knowledge you chose the most destructive way possible. I suspect time and the aftermath of this situation will bring all of this out. Even if he did have a affair that is no reflection on you, it's totally a reflection on him. Just like your affair is no reflection on him. 

Deal with what is in your control now, it's the only thing you can do.


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## TJW

NextTimeAround said:


> Shouldn't we have a section for wayward partners who are remorseful?


Probably isn't worth the cost of the cyberspace. It would have 2 participants. Honestly, the kind of contrition required for "remorseful" takes YEARS to develop. Cheaters move on long before they actually become repentant, for the most part.


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## NextTimeAround

> Now you are trying to justify your actions by suggesting that your husband is having an affair.


This bothers me because I feel that I have been in a couple of situations in which someone has "inventoried" an intransigence that I caused so that they can have an excuse to act up later on if they want to.

I remember coming off an otherwise very nice trip with my husband in the first year that we were dating. I made a remark about a fellow passenger on the plane who was acting creepy. My (future) husband called me a racist. Not very nice.

In the next week, he put on his FB profile that I am his gf and he wanted me to confirm it. Ok, that's a bit conflicting. Then 3 months later he brought that incidence up agsin.

What I found out was that he had seen his so called friend a couple of days before we took the trip. The second time "the racist" remark came up, I figured out --from FB again-- that a St. Patrick's Day pub crawl was the year before a big deal between him and his "friend." And she did not ask him to join her, her boyfriend and their friends that year. They had contacted each other intermittently during those months.

In hindsight, it makes me wonder whether he had made that accusation against me so that just in case he had another chance with his "friend" he would have a ready made excuse to dump me. Never mind that I found a rather racist text from her. Or that if the remark could matter that much, he was not only still seeing me but stepping up our time together........

Saveme, what evidence do you have that would make you think that your husband was having an affair? And if you think he was an affair, what you have done is a revenge affair which is not a very mature thing to do.


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## Cynthia

Saveme said:


> First of i want to say that i know i messed up. Some of your words are harsh, but i understand where they are coming from. Without trying to excuse what i did, i want to give you some more background first before i reply to all your comments individually. I guess the reason why i wanted to get the boobjob in the first place was because i was scared that my husband started taking more care of himself. He's been working out and getting fit, tanned, buying new clothes. I suspected that he was having an affair on me, but i don't really know for sure. Nevertheless, it made me insecure in our marriage. My girlfriends were also saying that its possible that he might be having an affair. That whole situation pushed me to want the boobjob in the first place. After i did it, my husband was more attentive and it seemed to have renewed our marriage somewhat.


Did you have any other reason to believe that your husband was having an affair other than the changes he has been making in his appearance? Did you really believe he was having an affair before you had the breast augmentation? Did you do anything to find out if he was having an affair?

If you want real help, I recommend you answer these questions as they are key to getting to the bottom of this.


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## Saveme

Hi Everyone ... thanks for your thoughtful words. Appreciate those who are really trying to help me. I hope i can shed some light on why i was insecure and think that my husband might be having an affair. Beyond the workouts, the tan, and new look etc. His behavior has changed. Maybe not to his friends, but its something a wife notices. A distancing of emotion, a subtle lack of interest. Also slight changes in texting behavior, like angling the screen away from my line of sight sometimes. Might be nothing, but i would say its a new behavior. Also, from what i understand about men, they usually don't get fit and change their appearance without trying to woo someone. And i don't feel that he's wooing me. To put this particular point in perspective, it's not that dissimilar to what i read about what Jeff Bezos did. He got ripped and tanned all of the sudden because he was having an affair. If there was not a new flame in his life, then i don't think he would change as much. (i'm just speculating about them, but i use it as he is a very famous and virtually everyone knows that that couple is splitting. Most expensive splitting in history possibly) That's why i think my husband might be cheating. Although i don't have any "hard" evidence as they say. And again this is not to excuse myself in anyway. I'm at fault for what i did. So, i've realized that (some of you were curious) nothing is ever going to perfect. Sometimes life really sucks. But i want to try to make the best of what's left of my marriage. If it doesn't work then i will eventually come to terms with that as an outcome and hopefully move on somehow. But i feel i need to try at the very least before letting everything go. Just for my own dignity, and personal growth.


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## red oak

Saveme said:


> Hi Everyone ... thanks for your thoughtful words. Appreciate those who are really trying to help me. I hope i can shed some light on why i was insecure and think that my husband might be having an affair. Beyond the workouts, the tan, and new look etc. His behavior has changed. Maybe not to his friends, but its something a wife notices. A distancing of emotion, a subtle lack of interest. Also slight changes in texting behavior, like angling the screen away from my line of sight sometimes. Might be nothing, but i would say its a new behavior. Also, from what i understand about men,* they usually don't get fit and change their appearance without trying to woo someone.* And i don't feel that he's wooing me. To put this particular point in perspective, it's not that dissimilar to what i read about what Jeff Bezos did. He got ripped and tanned all of the sudden because he was having an affair. If there was not a new flame in his life, then i don't think he would change as much. (i'm just speculating about them, but i use it as he is a very famous and virtually everyone knows that that couple is splitting. Most expensive splitting in history possibly) That's why i think my husband might be cheating. Although i don't have any "hard" evidence as they say. And again this is not to excuse myself in anyway. I'm at fault for what i did. So, i've realized that (some of you were curious) nothing is ever going to perfect. Sometimes life really sucks. But i want to try to make the best of what's left of my marriage. If it doesn't work then i will eventually come to terms with that as an outcome and hopefully move on somehow. But i feel i need to try at the very least before letting everything go. Just for my own dignity, and personal growth.


Sometimes maybe. I have known plenty who decided to get in shape simply by realizing staying in shape is the best way to have the energy to enjoy life.


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## sokillme

Saveme said:


> Hi Everyone ... thanks for your thoughtful words. Appreciate those who are really trying to help me. I hope i can shed some light on why i was insecure and think that my husband might be having an affair. Beyond the workouts, the tan, and new look etc. His behavior has changed. Maybe not to his friends, but its something a wife notices. A distancing of emotion, a subtle lack of interest. Also slight changes in texting behavior, like angling the screen away from my line of sight sometimes. Might be nothing, but i would say its a new behavior. Also, from what i understand about men, they usually don't get fit and change their appearance without trying to woo someone. And i don't feel that he's wooing me. To put this particular point in perspective, it's not that dissimilar to what i read about what Jeff Bezos did. He got ripped and tanned all of the sudden because he was having an affair. If there was not a new flame in his life, then i don't think he would change as much. (i'm just speculating about them, but i use it as he is a very famous and virtually everyone knows that that couple is splitting. Most expensive splitting in history possibly) That's why i think my husband might be cheating. Although i don't have any "hard" evidence as they say. And again this is not to excuse myself in anyway. I'm at fault for what i did. So, i've realized that (some of you were curious) nothing is ever going to perfect. Sometimes life really sucks. But i want to try to make the best of what's left of my marriage. If it doesn't work then i will eventually come to terms with that as an outcome and hopefully move on somehow. But i feel i need to try at the very least before letting everything go. Just for my own dignity, and personal growth.


I lost a bunch of weight because my wife bought me a fitness watch and I wanted to use it. I didn't plan on having it change my whole attitude lifestyle and help me get in shape, I don't even use it anymore but still work out regularly. I wasn't trying to woo anyone except maybe my wife. Not everyone who gets in shape wants to try it out on other people. Do you think you might be projecting?


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## Cynthia

red oak said:


> Sometimes maybe. I have known plenty who decided to get in shape simply by realizing staying in shape is the best way to have the energy to enjoy life.


I agree. Before I hit 50 I realized that I needed to do something to avoid going downhill fast. I got busy and got into shape. I got a six pack for the first time in life when I was over 45. I was not looking for anyone and wasn't trying to catch a new man. I was trying to use it so I wouldn't lose it. I got into the best shape of my life and have never felt better. That was my entire goal.

Once I got into shape, I had to buy new clothes as the old ones didn't fit me anymore. I started dressing for my new body and have an excellent wardrobe of cute clothes that suit my figure.

Tomorrow my husband and I celebrate our 35 wedding anniversary. I am faithful to him and not looking to change that. Do not assume that getting into shape and dressing better is about trying to find someone new.


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## Decorum

Saveme said:


> Hi Everyone ... thanks for your thoughtful words. Appreciate those who are really trying to help me. I hope i can shed some light on why i was insecure and think that my husband might be having an affair. Beyond the workouts, the tan, and new look etc. His behavior has changed. Maybe not to his friends, but its something a wife notices. A distancing of emotion, a subtle lack of interest. Also slight changes in texting behavior, like angling the screen away from my line of sight sometimes. Might be nothing, but i would say its a new behavior. Also, from what i understand about men, they usually don't get fit and change their appearance without trying to woo someone. And i don't feel that he's wooing me. To put this particular point in perspective, it's not that dissimilar to what i read about what Jeff Bezos did. He got ripped and tanned all of the sudden because he was having an affair. If there was not a new flame in his life, then i don't think he would change as much. (i'm just speculating about them, but i use it as he is a very famous and virtually everyone knows that that couple is splitting. Most expensive splitting in history possibly) That's why i think my husband might be cheating. Although i don't have any "hard" evidence as they say. And again this is not to excuse myself in anyway. I'm at fault for what i did. So, i've realized that (some of you were curious) nothing is ever going to perfect. Sometimes life really sucks. But i want to try to make the best of what's left of my marriage. If it doesn't work then i will eventually come to terms with that as an outcome and hopefully move on somehow. But i feel i need to try at the very least before letting everything go. Just for my own dignity, and personal growth.


SaveMe, you sound like a completely different person in this post.

Much more lucid, and focused.

Got some sleep, maybe sober, lol?

I think you are making the right call on trying to save it if possible.

I dont get the feeling you are trying to justify the poor judgment you used in your affair, because of your husbands potential affair, but you were not acting in anyone's best interest. It was a fall due to selfishness. 

I am still stuck on the fact that you completely overlooked this guy pursuing you, kept crossing boundaries, all the while telling yourself, it's ok because you are both married.

Be honest with us, did you think about kissing this guy, the day, or days before going to the Lounge with him???


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

CynthiaDe said:


> I agree. Before I hit 50 I realized that I needed to do something to avoid going downhill fast. I got busy and got into shape. I got a six pack for the first time in life when I was over 45. I was not looking for anyone and wasn't trying to catch a new man. I was trying to use it so I wouldn't lose it. I got into the best shape of my life and have never felt better. That was my entire goal.
> 
> Once I got into shape, I had to buy new clothes as the old ones didn't fit me anymore. I started dressing for my new body and have an excellent wardrobe of cute clothes that suit my figure.
> 
> Tomorrow my husband and I celebrate our 35 wedding anniversary. I am faithful to him and not looking to change that. Do not assume that getting into shape and dressing better is about trying to find someone new.


My wife was very trim when we met at age 21. Just naturally so. Many would even say skinny. 

Now, at 54, she actually weighs 9lbs _less_ than when we met. It wasn't always that way, but in recent years, she has focused on maximizing her limited potential energy and feeling great. Carrying the lower weight is a big part of her feeling good and having more energy. 

She didn't do it for anyone else. She did it to make the most of her life, pure and simple. Although I have been a beneficiary of the greater energy.... and in fact, she does look fantastic.


Indeed, she has inspired me to recommit to my own health and wellness. That's how it should work.


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## sokillme

Saveme said:


> But i feel i need to try at the very least before letting everything go. Just for my own dignity, and personal growth.


I'm sorry but how about. I ****ed up and I may have just destroyed my husbands life and I want to try to make it up to him the best way I can. I want to try to minimize his pain the best that I can. The time of thinking about the outcome for me is over.

Again notice the quote above is all about you still. I am not even saying you are wrong to want to grow from this, but what I am saying is all of your posts are about the outcome for you. You don't want to get divorced, you don't want to lose your dignity. You have never once posted about the fact that you probably have ruined your husband's life. At least his life as he knew it. Assuming he wasn't cheating but only trying to improve himself, now he is left with a horrible choice. Continue in a marriage that will probably never live up to the one he wanted to have, or start his entire life over again. YOU DID THAT. Yet you are still talking about how this will all impact you. Frankly you deserve whatever outcome you get. Unless he is cheating your husband deserves better. 

It's very telling and a great part of the problem. Your mindset is wrong, you shouldn't be married with that mindset. 

When you marry someone your motives should not be about you. You are asking for the responsibility for someone else. YOU NEED to GET this, no matter what happens. You are his wife, his emotional health especially when it comes to his romantic relationship is YOUR responsibility. You didn't just fail there you disregarded it like garbage. You need to figure out some way to provide some sort of compensation for that. 

After telling him the truth, then your next step should be about how can I provide some sort of restitution for this mess I made. 

Even if he DID cheat on you, you didn't know that and you were still acting from the unknown, you just used this fear as an excuse to do something that would temporarily make yourself feel good. So him cheating or not cheating doesn't change the fact that your thinking is broken and not healthy if you want to one day have a good marriage and relationship this really needs to change. 

You don't marry someone because they benefit you, you marry them because you love them and want to give yourself to them. Then emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually they become partly your responsibility.


----------



## Marc878

Go online and check his phone bill


----------



## anonfrank

I started exercising daily eight years ago and in the process lost 30 pounds, along with my belly. I was not in an affair. I did it because I was getting winded easily while chasing my then 5 year old, and was having back pain. My wife was happy I lost the weight and because she is secure, was not worried about whether I cheated (I’ve never done so in our 25 years together). I mention this to say that OP’s husband may have been on a health kick and I think the concern about whether he’s cheating is more projection on her part.

My opinion, take your lumps, go tell him, deal with consequences. You chose this path.


----------



## GusPolinski

NextTimeAround said:


> Shouldn't we have a section for wayward partners who are remorseful?


That’s a great idea.

We could put all 2 of those threads in there.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

Come clean with your husband. He deserves to know.


----------



## sokillme

I can think of 3 off the top of my head.


----------



## Cynthia

Saveme said:


> I hope i can shed some light on why i was insecure and think that my husband might be having an affair. Beyond the workouts, the tan, and new look etc. *His behavior has changed. *Maybe not to his friends, but its something a wife notices. *A distancing of emotion, a subtle lack of interest*. Also slight *changes in texting behavior, like angling the screen away from my line of sight sometimes*. Might be nothing, but i would say its a new behavior. Also, f*rom what i understand about men, they usually don't get fit and change their appearance without trying to woo someone.* And *i don't feel that he's wooing me*. *To put this particular point in perspective, it's not that dissimilar to what i read about what Jeff Bezos did*. He got ripped and tanned all of the sudden because he was having an affair. If there was not a new flame in his life, then i don't think he would change as much. (i'm just speculating about them, but i use it as he is a very famous and virtually everyone knows that that couple is splitting. Most expensive splitting in history possibly) That's why i think my husband might be cheating. Although i don't have any "hard" evidence as they say. And again this is not to excuse myself in anyway. I'm at fault for what i did. So, i've realized that (some of you were curious) nothing is ever going to perfect. Sometimes life really sucks. But i want to try to make the best of what's left of my marriage. If it doesn't work then i will eventually come to terms with that as an outcome and hopefully move on somehow. But i feel i need to try at the very least before letting everything go. Just for my own dignity, and personal growth.


Okay, now we're getting somewhere. You noticed several changes in behavior. The two that would concern me are his decreased interest in you and his seeming to hide his phone screen. That combined with a sudden change in activity related to getting in shape would have me concerned too. 



Saveme said:


> I suspected that he was having an affair on me, but i don't really know for sure. Nevertheless, it made me insecure in our marriage. My girlfriends were also saying that its possible that he might be having an affair. That whole situation pushed me to want the boobjob in the first place. After i did it, my husband was more attentive and it seemed to have renewed our marriage somewhat.


It sounds like you were trying to compete to get his attention back.

Do you still think your husband may be having an affair? You said his interest increased once you had to augmentation, but is he still hiding his phone screen? Does he leave his phone out? Do you have the password?

You already know what you did was wrong whether or not your husband was having an affair, this has only complicated things. You do need to come clean on this and you do need to get tested for STDs. Even if your paramour didn't give you an STD, your husband may have. I think you need to take this more seriously.

If you can find out if your husband was or is actually having an affair, it will make your course of action easier to determine, but you can't wait for long before telling your husband. His affair doesn't make yours okay, but if you are going to deal with your infidelity, you cannot take all the responsibility for fixing this mess if he was also cheating. Everything needs to be addressed if the marriage is going to be saved, not just your side. However, if he wasn't actually cheating, you will have to do the majority of the work to fix the marriage and you two will need marriage counseling, if he wants to stay.

What have you done about the coworker? What kind of work do you do? Would it be difficult to find new employment, because I really think you need to move away from the coworker asap.

Did you read the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From An Affair"? You can get it digitally. https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B004ZG6UF4/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1 I recommend you read this book immediately. It's not long. It will give you insight on what to do about your situation.


----------



## personofinterest

First, good for you forcrecignizing your own fault regardless of your husband's behavior.

Second...

If a man came here saying his wife had changed his appearance, was distant, and was hiding her phone screen, EVERY man on this thread would bet his life she was cheating.

I am assuming you did NOT buy him a health plan and he has not had any health scares that would prompt his drastic change?

Of course, that doesn't excuse your affair. Just pointing out the blatant dissonance.


----------



## BruceBanner

Sounds like OP has low self-esteem. That's the problem with dating people with low self-esteem; They'll cheat for external validation.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

As I mentioned earlier, you need to come clean. No ifs ands or buts. If you do not, your conscience will continually eat at you. Visualize a soda can being shaken. You know what happens, right. The pressure eventually builds up the more the can is shaken until it explodes. This “secret” is going to naw at you. Your husband may forgive you, but then again he may not. Either way you need to fix what is broken in you. I strongly encourage you to find a good IC. Secondly, it does not hurt to pray for you, your husband, and your marriage.

I also see an attempt at rationalization by mentioning you thought your husband had an affair. I also sense regret. You own this. It was not a mistake but a decision you chose to make. You must make it right if you want to save your marriage. Since OM was a coworker, this is a huge problem. You will need to find other employment if you desire to save the marriage.

I forgave my FWW and she did one thing that made me want to save our marriage, that being, she showed me true remorse. You are going to have to do the same with your husband. 

I have said a prayer for you that all works out. I am an anomaly on here as I am a believer in redemption and forgiveness, and reconciliation if at all possible. 

Peace.


----------



## sokillme

personofinterest said:


> First, good for you forcrecignizing your own fault regardless of your husband's behavior.
> 
> Second...
> 
> If a man came here saying his wife had changed his appearance, was distant, and was hiding her phone screen, EVERY man on this thread would bet his life she was cheating.
> 
> I am assuming you did NOT buy him a health plan and he has not had any health scares that would prompt his drastic change?
> 
> Of course, that doesn't excuse your affair. Just pointing out the blatant dissonance.


She can on here saying she cheated.


----------



## Saveme

Hi Everyone .. Thanks again for your advice and some of you for your support. I have decided to tell him end of this week. I booked a table at a restaurant where we have our own little corner. It's private enough to talk, but not private enough to make a scene. For some reason i would rather not do this at home. If he does lose it for any reason, i would rather he vent in public and cool down. Also so far, i've been trying to get my hands on his cell phone records, but i don't really know where to start. Does anyone know how that can even be done? He uses TMO. Also, some of you were saying not to confront him until i knew for sure or had evidence. Can you elaborate on that please. We both work and when we got married, we did not have much assets. But now we have some investments together. I assume people are saying not to confront him due to legal divorce reasons. Is that right? 

Btw, last week i went to get tested for STD's and come back negative. Thank god!


----------



## EleGirl

Saveme said:


> Hi Everyone .. Thanks again for your advice and some of you for your support. I have decided to tell him end of this week. I booked a table at a restaurant where we have our own little corner. It's private enough to talk, but not private enough to make a scene. For some reason i would rather not do this at home. If he does lose it for any reason, i would rather he vent in public and cool down. Also so far, i've been trying to get my hands on his cell phone records, but i don't really know where to start. Does anyone know how that can even be done? He uses TMO. Also, some of you were saying not to confront him until i knew for sure or had evidence. Can you elaborate on that please. We both work and when we got married, we did not have much assets. But now we have some investments together. I assume people are saying not to confront him due to legal divorce reasons. Is that right?
> 
> Btw, last week i went to get tested for STD's and come back negative. Thank god!


Don't confront him until you have more info because if you do, he will simply lie. And if you tell him about your affair, he'll use that as a shield for his own affair.

Usually cheaters lie. So the only way to know the truth is to have the evidence before you confront them. 

What is "TMO"? Do you mean T-Mobile?

Telling someone something like this in a public place might go very badly. But you might have already done it. So I guess it is what it is.

Personally, I would not tell him until you know more about what his situation.


----------



## EleGirl

Saveme said:


> Hi Everyone ... thanks for your thoughtful words. Appreciate those who are really trying to help me. I hope i can shed some light on why i was insecure and think that my husband might be having an affair. Beyond the workouts, the tan, and new look etc. His behavior has changed. Maybe not to his friends, but its something a wife notices. A distancing of emotion, a subtle lack of interest. Also slight changes in texting behavior, like angling the screen away from my line of sight sometimes. Might be nothing, but i would say its a new behavior. Also, from what i understand about men, they usually don't get fit and change their appearance without trying to woo someone. And i don't feel that he's wooing me. To put this particular point in perspective, it's not that dissimilar to what i read about what Jeff Bezos did. He got ripped and tanned all of the sudden because he was having an affair. If there was not a new flame in his life, then i don't think he would change as much. (i'm just speculating about them, but i use it as he is a very famous and virtually everyone knows that that couple is splitting. Most expensive splitting in history possibly) That's why i think my husband might be cheating. Although i don't have any "hard" evidence as they say. And again this is not to excuse myself in anyway. I'm at fault for what i did. So, i've realized that (some of you were curious) nothing is ever going to perfect. Sometimes life really sucks. But i want to try to make the best of what's left of my marriage. If it doesn't work then i will eventually come to terms with that as an outcome and hopefully move on somehow. But i feel i need to try at the very least before letting everything go. Just for my own dignity, and personal growth.


Does your husband work long hours? Have the number of hours he works a week increased? Or does he got out without you much?

Can you afford to hire a PI?


----------



## NorseViking

Saveme said:


> We ended up in a nearby hotel and i had some of the most intense sex ever.
> It was like i was not myself that night.
> The way he lusted over me, and how he touched me made lose myself.


The truth as you said above will both kill your hubby's love for you 
and make him hate you too, I believe.


Saveme said:


> What should i do?
> Should i tell him?
> What if he leaves me?
> Feeling quite desperate here.
> Please help me!


You are toast anyway.
It is like burning your hand and then rip of the bandage.
Double the pain.


Saveme said:


> I cheated on my husband and now suffering from severe anxiety and guilt.
> Want to tell him but fear he will leave me.
> Help! I’m desperate.


Well, I hope you learned your lesson.
Just give your hubby the divorce papers along with a handwritten letter 
giving him every dirty detail about your HOT affair.
When leave him for a while and let him decide.
Maybe if you can work your ass off giving into his demands he might keep you.
Show him you can sweat through the pain as he does and feels.
Communication is the key here.
He is the prize and you are the loosing party.

Even after 12-24 months after the A the pain 
will most likely be as fresh and raw as it was at DDay.

Your hubby will maybe look at you with disgust and see you as damaged goods maybe.
He will feel you are soiled, dirty and used in most cases.

So yeah.
That is what I would feel.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

Decorum said:


> Lastly, if you let your husband know just how good the sex was, he will never get over it.


So true.

Most cheaters tend to lie and greatly downplay the quality of the sex with their affair partners. Not all, but most. Read any infidelity board and you'll see that most of the BS's actually believe their cheating spouses who have told them the sex with their OM/OW "wasn't that hot" and that the sex at home "is better." That's probably one of the biggest lies cheaters tell, but most BS's actually believe it because I guess they desperately want to. 

You need to be brutally honest with your husband, but if you describe to your husband how unbelievably hot the sex was like you described it here, then you'll likely never live that down and as Decorum said, your husband will never get past that.


----------



## personofinterest

sokillme said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> 
> First, good for you forcrecignizing your own fault regardless of your husband's behavior.
> 
> Second...
> 
> If a man came here saying his wife had changed his appearance, was distant, and was hiding her phone screen, EVERY man on this thread would bet his life she was cheating.
> 
> I am assuming you did NOT buy him a health plan and he has not had any health scares that would prompt his drastic change?
> 
> Of course, that doesn't excuse your affair. Just pointing out the blatant dissonance.
> 
> 
> 
> She can on here saying she cheated.
Click to expand...

 The use of reading comprehension skills makes it clear that my point was not whether or not she was wrong for cheaty. In fact I said she was inexcusably wrong for cheating. I was calling you and your buddies out on your obvious dissonance. Like I said, if a man came on here listing the same suspicions that she has listed, all of you would assume the woman had cheated. And you know what I meant because you're not an idiot.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

TJW said:


> Probably isn't worth the cost of the cyberspace. It would have 2 participants. Honestly, the kind of contrition required for "remorseful" takes YEARS to develop. Cheaters move on long before they actually become repentant, for the most part.


That's why I've always said that for a lot of cheaters, their 'remorse' after D-Day is usually just an act to keep them out of divorce court.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

Saveme said:


> I have a question though, what if my husband is also having an affair? I can probably forgive him, but is there any chance our marriage can survive?


From what you describe of his recent behavior - suddenly working out and getting fit, being very concerned with his appearance and tanning and buying new clothes etc. etc., those are usually flapping red flags that something is up. The minute I read that part in your 2nd or 3rd post in this thread, my radar was going off. 

I see a lot of folks have said they too had undergone a personal improvement regimen like your husband but it wasn't because they were cheating, but the *difference* here is that your husband has been less involved with you and less 'present' in the marriage. He's also showing signs of protecting his phone now, moving the screen subtly away when you're near so you don't see what he's doing. I'm just being honest but most cheating married men still have sex at home even when they are involved in a full fledged affair, and you have new 'toys' for him to play with so he's going to play with them. My point is, I don't believe for a second that his sudden desire to become Mr. GQ is based *solely* on his own desire to be his personal best and nothing more. Nope, I don't.

Does your husband have a work phone or a personal phone? If it's personal, then he's paying the monthly bill somehow, and that usually involves having an online account at T-Mobile in order to pay his bill (or arrange for auto paying of the bill). You have to get the online login information and go into his account and look up the present calling/texting activity and see the invoices for the past few months as well (I assume you should be able to see something like this - that's what I see in my Verizon account, anyway). Look for a phone number that seems to keep showing up in the texting much more than it probably should - that's usually a dead giveaway. Unfortunately, if he has an iPhone and she also has one, I understand iMessaging doesn't show up on your bill (that's what I've read, anyway). I don't own Apple products but I also understand that if his phone is synced to the iCloud, his messages may be stored there? Again, this is stuff I've read and I have no idea if I'm describing it right.

Another thing you need to do is get your hands on his phone for about an hour. Is he being overly protective with it even when he's sleeping? Is there a new pass-code on it? Has he changed it to where it will only unlock with his fingerprint now? All very fishy if so. But if you're able to get his phone and a little time to yourself, I'd go through it with a fine-tooth comb. Obviously, check all his texting and calling activity. He may be deleting texts to someone - and a comparison of the texts on his phone to the texting activity on the bill will tell you whether he's deleting texts or not. Look especially for apps that let you chat and call using Wifi instead of your carrier's calling and texting features. FaceTime, Kik, WhatsApp, Skype, etc. etc. etc. If you see these applications, open them and search for ongoing or archived 'chats,' etc. Check his browser history, his app downloading history, his personal folders, his location history (if location services are turned on), his picture gallery - EVERYTHING. 

*Every.*
*Last.*
*Thing.*

Do know there are actually apps out there that you install, and they let you hide shady apps that are installed on your phone so no one will know you have it. That means he could have WhatsApp on his phone but the hiding app will not let you see an icon for it which will make you believe the app isn't installed. There are just tons of things that make cheating SO much easier for cheaters, now.

It's often recommended that you place a hidden VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car because lots of cheaters do most of their talking in their cars while they're driving (or parked - doesn't matter). But a lot of them use their cars to do their talking because it's the only really private spot they have. And, some cheaters do a lot more in their cars then just talk, sometimes they have their affair partners in their cars, so some betrayed spouses have had to listen to some real sleazy activity when that's happened. But it's often recommended to use a VAR when you're gathering evidence.

There are many other things you can do to try to find out what's going on, but I always see it advised to NEVER give away your sources. And also, never confront the second you find out one thing. Cheaters can usually lie their way out of one thing - especially if you don't have solid proof of it in your hand. It's when you have solid evidence that they simply CAN'T refute that you'll actually get them to confess to an affair. But do know that their 'confession' will be minimized, white-washed, and not NEARLY the truth of what actually happened. And if you only have proof of an affair but don't have proof of sex, then be prepared to hear, "we only kissed...we never had sex." 

I think if you dig hard enough, you're going to find out what he's been up to.


----------



## StillSearching

"Btw, last week i went to get tested for STD's and come back negative. Thank god!"

WS who sear they didn't get an STD, then get tests done within a week.......Right.
Fantasyland.
If he's got any sense he'd file tomorrow.
She will never tell the full truth to her husband. 
She will manipulate him under the guise of saving his feelings and her marriage.


----------



## sokillme

personofinterest said:


> The use of reading comprehension skills makes it clear that my point was not whether or not she was wrong for cheaty. In fact I said she was inexcusably wrong for cheating. I was calling you and your buddies out on your obvious dissonance. Like I said, if a man came on here listing the same suspicions that she has listed, all of you would assume the woman had cheated. And you know what I meant because you're not an idiot.


The point is the initial responses had nothing to do with her husband because there was no mention about that. She came here and confessed to cheating and wanting help. As she admitted to her suspicions peoples opinion has changed. The overall point is you continue to use this space to criticize others posts and it needs to stop. 

How much longer Mods? 

I am tired of being talked down to and insulted by this user or watching her comment on everyone else's post and how they are unacceptable to her. Is she here to deal with the subject on hand or criticize people she doesn't agree with?

I have also been told to shut up and indirectly been called and idiot.


----------



## Graywolf2

She'sStillGotIt said:


> From what you describe of his recent behavior - suddenly working out and getting fit, being very concerned with his appearance and tanning and buying new clothes etc. etc., those are usually flapping red flags that something is up. The minute I read that part in your 2nd or 3rd post in this thread, my radar was going off.





Saveme said:


> Also, some of you were saying not to confront him until i knew for sure or had evidence. Can you elaborate on that please. We both work and when we got married, we did not have much assets. But now we have some investments together.


I would try and find out if your husband is having an affair before you confront. Not for legal reasons. In the vast majority of states infidelity doesn’t matter. The reason to find out is to put the both of you on the same footing and have an honest discussion.

If he is having an affair he may not have enough character to confess his after you confess yours. 

LOOK HERE:
VARs and Evidence Gathering
https://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html



Saveme said:


> We ended up in a nearby hotel and i had some of the most intense sex ever.
> 
> Yes, i used protection and I did not do anything i normally don't do with my husband.


Did you stop and buy condoms on the way to the hotel or did one of you already have them? The way you tell it you were both drunk and carried away with passion. Protection is always good but if you have enough presence of mind to buy them then you’re not that drunk or carried away. If one of you already had them then at least one of you was prepared to cheat.


----------



## Taxman

Saveme:
First, you are a statistic. You are among the myriad of women that have had body modification, through diet, exercise or plastic surgery, and then embark on an affair due to the "unintended" consequence of attracting attention. Now, you say that your husband may be having an affair? That is projection, you actually hope he has sunk to your level.

I am in the Accounting and Tax business. I do asset management in divorce situations. Therefore I see several divorces at any given time. There are a few scenarios which you may be facing: The best possible scenario, he is forgiving, he is willing to reconcile, but he will have a few hurdles for you to leap. Worst scenario, he gets up from the table, and the next thing you get is a divorce filing for your signature. Third scenario, he tells you that since you opened the marriage, he will be looking for companionship. It ain't as cut and dried as I have laid out, there could be any number of combinations that will befall you. I want to point out at this time, your old marriage is now dead. It will not be resurrected as pristine as it once was. This is now an entirely new arrangement, one in which you are not an equal at this time. I say this to every married couple that comes into my office with an incident of infidelity. As much as one gives lip service to equality in a marriage, after infidelity, you do not have the upper hand. The ball is in his court. He can lay out consequences. He can tell people that you will never want to know your deepest darkest secrets. (One of my couples endured her suicide attempt, after he told her parents that she had slept with a coworker, she was so embarrassed, suicide was more attractive than telling truth). I have had the most religious couple sitting across from me, and after his infidelity came out, she went to the church for counselling, and rejected their admonitions that he was the man, and she was a lesser creature. She filed divorce, civilly, and decided that the good church girl persona was no longer of any use. She's was quite the party girl for about five years, but found a nice gentleman. Her exhusband and her church lost her forever.


----------



## Robert22205

I agree with Graywolf2: I would try and find out if your husband is having an affair before you confront. Not for legal reasons. In the vast majority of states infidelity doesn’t matter. The reason to find out is to put the both of you on the same footing and have an honest discussion.


----------



## NextTimeAround

I remember when my exhusband accusing me of having an affair when he actually was.


----------



## Cynthia

Robert22205 said:


> I agree with Graywolf2: I would try and find out if your husband is having an affair before you confront. Not for legal reasons. In the vast majority of states infidelity doesn’t matter. The reason to find out is to put the both of you on the same footing and have an honest discussion.


I agree with this. Based on what OP said, I think he probably was/is cheating. If you tell him about what you did, he will get off free. You will do whatever you can to save the marriage and he will eat it all up and not fix his side of the street. You cannot have a healthy marriage with that kind of thing going on. If you both have issues that need work, it all has to be addressed and worked through in order for the marriage to work. It takes two people to make a healthy marriage, but only one to tear it apart.


----------



## TJW

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You need to be brutally honest with your husband, but if you describe to your husband how unbelievably hot the sex was like you described it here, then you'll likely never live that down and as @Decorum said, your husband will never get past that.


Please listen to this. Making your husband feel bad about his own sexuality is not in your best interests, if what you say about being "forgiven" and wanting to restore your marriage is true. It serves no purpose, forgiveness can be appropriated for the facts alone.

Others are leading you into trying to "catch" your husband in his own cheating. My advice to you is to concentrate upon your own sin, and leave his sin for another time when an actual discovery has been made (if it really exists).


----------



## uhtred

I would tell him at home, unless you are worried he will become violent - in which case a different discussion is needed here. 

Don't do it at what will feel like a romantic date. That just seems cruel. 

If you really think he has been cheating too, then why not just call it even? Or if you don't want to be in that sort of relationship just divorce. 






Saveme said:


> Hi Everyone .. Thanks again for your advice and some of you for your support. I have decided to tell him end of this week. I booked a table at a restaurant where we have our own little corner. It's private enough to talk, but not private enough to make a scene. For some reason i would rather not do this at home. If he does lose it for any reason, i would rather he vent in public and cool down. Also so far, i've been trying to get my hands on his cell phone records, but i don't really know where to start. Does anyone know how that can even be done? He uses TMO. Also, some of you were saying not to confront him until i knew for sure or had evidence. Can you elaborate on that please. We both work and when we got married, we did not have much assets. But now we have some investments together. I assume people are saying not to confront him due to legal divorce reasons. Is that right?
> 
> Btw, last week i went to get tested for STD's and come back negative. Thank god!


----------



## Cynthia

NextTimeAround said:


> I remember when my exhusband accusing me of having an affair when he actually was.


That isn't what's going on here. She is more concerned about her affair that about her husband's possible affair. The whole dynamic of the marriage seems quite dysfunctional. 



TJW said:


> Please listen to this. Making your husband feel bad about his own sexuality is not in your best interests, if what you say about being "forgiven" and wanting to restore your marriage is true. It serves no purpose, forgiveness can be appropriated for the facts alone.
> 
> Others are leading you into trying to "catch" your husband in his own cheating. My advice to you is to concentrate upon your own sin, and leave his sin for another time when an actual discovery has been made (if it really exists).


The problem with this is that if he was/is cheating, that is the root of what brought all this on in the first place. They both need to know what is really going on so they can address it properly.

Or, as has been mentioned, divorce and work on your own issues and forget about what your husband did or did not do. Based on what you've written here @Saveme, you need individual counseling to deal with your severe insecurity issues. If you really did think that your husband was cheating, so you went out and got a breast augmentation to compete with other women and get your husband's attention, you need help to overcome such a deep sense of inadequacy. I'm assuming your breasts didn't shrink after you married your husband. If he wasn't satisfied with your breasts in the first place, he shouldn't have married you. And since he did marry you, we can assume he was happy with you. If that changed, a healthy couple would work through whatever issues come up, but there has been none of that here. This is a dysfunctional situation that would benefit from professional help.


----------



## sokillme

CynthiaDe said:


> he problem with this is that if he was/is cheating, that is the root of what brought all this on in the first place. They both need to know what is really going on so they can address it properly..


I am not sure how that can be the root of the problem when she didn't know for sure. 

I am the first to say if you are cheated on the marriage is over, but in this case she was operating he was without any true knowledge to me that is different. Even if he was when she cheated she didn't know for sure. This isn't the case of her thinking the marriage is over so what the hell or even getting revenge. Like I said in an earlier post it feels like in her mind this was some sort of assessment of her worth.


----------



## Cynthia

sokillme said:


> I am not sure how that can be the root of the problem when she didn't know for sure.
> 
> I am the first to say if you are cheated on the marriage is over, but in this case she was operating he was without any true knowledge to me that is different. Even if he was when she cheated she didn't know for sure. This isn't the case of her thinking the marriage is over so what the hell or even getting revenge. Like I said in an earlier post it feels like in her mind this was some sort of assessment of her worth.


When one spouse is cheating, it alters the dynamic of a marriage. Things are not right and a person cannot necessarily put her finger on it, but there is a shift. In this case, she noticed that her husband's attention on her was reduced and he was distracted. There had to be other issues as well. Adultery creates all sorts of marriage problems whether or not the betrayed spouse understands what is going on. That is how it can be the root of the problem.

Furthermore, I think her husband was and possibly still is cheating.

I am not an advocate of blame shifting. I don't think that's what's going on here.


----------



## dreamer2017

I agree with "sokillme". This post has nothing to do with her husband. There is no proof any acts of infidelity committed by her husband. Saveme, you are doing the right thing by coming clean to your husband. This is the first step toward healing your family.

Best,
Dreamer


----------



## sokillme

CynthiaDe said:


> When one spouse is cheating, it alters the dynamic of a marriage. Things are not right and a person cannot necessarily put her finger on it, but there is a shift. In this case, she noticed that her husband's attention on her was reduced and he was distracted. There had to be other issues as well. Adultery creates all sorts of marriage problems whether or not the betrayed spouse understands what is going on. That is how it can be the root of the problem.
> 
> Furthermore, I think her husband was and possibly still is cheating.
> 
> I am not an advocate of blame shifting. I don't think that's what's going on here.


Except we don't know he was cheating at this point.


----------



## Cynthia

I tend to err on the side of not thinking someone is cheating and they turn out to be. I don't think I've ever been wrong when I thought the person was cheating. 

In this case, I think what has happened (and I hope @Saveme will return to tell us), is that Saveme told her husband. He had a raging fit and blamed everything on her, despite the fact that he has been cheating for quite some time with several women. It will take her quite a while, perhaps years, to realize what was really going on. By that time she will either have taken the advice from here and received professional counseling and will be doing much better. Or she will be a wrecked woman who has zero self-esteem; going from man to man looking for affirmation. 

I sincerely hope you get some professional help @Saveme. A trained therapist will be able to help you feel better about yourself and to make better choices.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

CynthiaDe said:


> I tend to err on the side of not thinking someone is cheating and they turn out to be. *I don't think I've ever been wrong when I thought the person was cheating.
> *
> In this case, I think what has happened (and I hope @Saveme will return to tell us), is that Saveme told her husband. He had a raging fit and blamed everything on her, despite the *fact* that he has been cheating for quite some time with several women. It will take her quite a while, perhaps years, to realize what was really going on. By that time she will either have taken the advice from here and received professional counseling and will be doing much better. Or she will be a wrecked woman who has zero self-esteem; going from man to man looking for affirmation.


Excellent conjecture. 
While you speculate over whether her husband has cheated she came here and unremorsefully described making out in a bar and going to a hotel and


> had some of the most intense sex ever. It was like i was not myself that night. The way he lusted over me, and how he touched me made lose myself.


 But let's pillory the husband that the WW projects may be cheating with a complete lack of real evidence. Geeez.

@Saveme
Tell your husband what you did ASAP the longer you wait the shadier it seems. If he did cheat on you you'll likely know quickly because he'll rub your face in it to try to get some semblance of control back (which doesn't work) and if he doesn't rub your face in it he'll be getting up with her and you'll have an excellent opportunity to catch him. But I expect the truth is you'll just break his heart because he was never cheating on you. I also expect you'll never tell him what you've done.


----------



## personofinterest

OP, as you can see, we all have our past chosen baggage and double standards. We are human.

Whether or not your husband is cheating, in the grand scheme of things, does not change your responsibility for your choices. Even if you knew for sure he was cheating before you did, a healthy person does not respond to their partner's betrayal by throwing off their own values. You need to go ahead and tell your husband what you have done, work on yourself because it is important, and if it turns out he is cheating, or if he leaves and just happens to run to the arms of a conveniently placed woman, then you have your answer. The bottom line is that you should want to have good character for you. And good character in this case begins with complete honesty.


----------



## BluesPower

personofinterest said:


> OP, as you can see, we all have our past chosen baggage and double standards. We are human.
> 
> Whether or not your husband is cheating, in the grand scheme of things, does not change your responsibility for your choices. Even if you knew for sure he was cheating before you did, a healthy person does not respond to their partner's betrayal by throwing off their own values. You need to go ahead and tell your husband what you have done, work on yourself because it is important, and if it turns out he is cheating, or if he leaves and just happens to run to the arms of a conveniently placed woman, then you have your answer. The bottom line is that you should want to have good character for you. And good character in this case begins with complete honesty.


 @personofinterest is right, on one level. Your cheating is not about his cheating. 

You chose to do what you did and that is what you need to address. 

Now, odds are that your husband IS cheating. From what you wrote it is about a 95% chance that he is in an affair. 

However, that is not the reason that you cheated. What he is doing is wrong, if true, and what you DID, and you know you did because you were there, if absolutely wrong. 

If you can find proof of his affair, then fine. But you need to confess your sins and figure out what you want to do with your marriage...


----------



## Rubix Cubed

@Saveme

*Confess to your husband and clean up your side of the street.* You came here asking what to do. That's it.


If/when you find out your husband was/is cheating on you, come back here *starting a new thread* stating so and we will all help you through that at that point in time.


.


----------



## Saveme

Hi Everyone .. So i was able to get into my husbands phone (briefly though). I couldn't get his phone records, so i've been trying gain access to his phone whenever it's not with him. I couldn't guess his password either. Yesterday, he put his phone down unlocked before he took a shower. I was able to go through his msgs as quickly before he come out again. I found some text talking about meeting at a cafe (no time given), and talking about how he liked her dress. Also, they were discussing about their visit to the museum downtown. The tone was clearly intimate. (the name used was not an actual women's name but the name of a dessert) I quickly went through some of his emails as well, but didn't find anything. I needed more time to search, but i had only a few minutes. I'm still planning on talking to him tmr night at the restaurant. I'm wondering if there's anything i should be considering at this point before we talk? Thanks for your help everyone.


----------



## OnTheFly

It feels like I’M being gaslit!


----------



## Yeswecan

Two wrongs do not make it right.


----------



## personofinterest

Saveme said:


> Hi Everyone .. So i was able to get into my husbands phone (briefly though). I couldn't get his phone records, so i've been trying gain access to his phone whenever it's not with him. I couldn't guess his password either. Yesterday, he put his phone down unlocked before he took a shower. I was able to go through his msgs as quickly before he come out again. I found some text talking about meeting at a cafe (no time given), and talking about how he liked her dress. Also, they were discussing about their visit to the museum downtown. The tone was clearly intimate. (the name used was not an actual women's name but the name of a dessert) I quickly went through some of his emails as well, but didn't find anything. I needed more time to search, but i had only a few minutes. I'm still planning on talking to him tmr night at the restaurant. I'm wondering if there's anything i should be considering at this point before we talk? Thanks for your help everyone.


Not to be harsh, but if you are doing this stuff BEFORE you prioritize honesty, your priorities are out of whack.


----------



## NobodySpecial

Imma gonna go out there and disagree with the folks who are saying come clean regardless of his behavior. Before you talk to him, do a real and genuine inventory of what you want. Do you want to stay married? Status quo good enough? Sweep bad stuff under the rug? House, kids, PTA... some people choose this. Make a real, intimate, honest, lasting marriage? Or get out. If the first, say nothing. Smile. And ignore your husband's cheating. Not a great choice because ultimately it will eat you up, I suspect. The last option? Just do it. You cheated. He cheated. Whatever. Just get 'er done.

If the middle one. Sit him down. Tell him you cheated. Tell him you are pretty sure you know he cheated. Do not allow yourself to get stuck in a whose worse blame-based conversation. Either you f'ed up or you both f'ed up. But stuff is f'ed up. Insist on marriage counseling. Or else. And make the or else real if the counseling is not accepted. Rubber is meeting road.


----------



## StillSearching

You don't get to choose not to pay a price, you only get to choose which price you pay.
To suffer terribly and to know yourself as the cause: that is Hell.
We believe that in reducing the scope and importance of our errors, we are properly humble; in truth, we are merely unwilling to bear the weight of our true responsibility - JP

What he may or may not have done has no relevance to the truth you conceal. 
Only when we are honest can we face the consequences of our actions and emerge aiming at the greater good. 
At that point when you tell him what you have done can you begin your journey forward and up.

Understand this, he does not know who you truly are, have been or will be. 
His belief in your marriage is false. 
He believes it to be innocent.


----------



## NobodySpecial

StillSearching said:


> You don't get to choose not to pay a price, you only get to choose which price you pay.
> To suffer terribly and to know yourself as the cause: that is Hell.
> We believe that in reducing the scope and importance of our errors, we are properly humble; in truth, we are merely unwilling to bear the weight of our true responsibility - JP
> 
> What he may or may not have done has no relevance to the truth you conceal.
> Only when we are honest can we face the consequences of our actions and emerge aiming at the greater good.
> At that point when you tell him what you have done can you begin your journey forward and up.
> 
> Understand this, he does not know who you truly are, have been or will be.
> His belief in your marriage is false.
> He believes it to be innocent.


And she does not know who he truly is either. Does she?


----------



## personofinterest

NobodySpecial said:


> And she does not know who he truly is either. Does she?


Question: If I find out someone else behaved badly, does that cancel out my bad choices?


----------



## NobodySpecial

personofinterest said:


> Question: If I find out someone else behaved badly, does that cancel out my bad choices?


No. But it may change what is an effective resolution in an interpersonal relationship.


----------



## personofinterest

NobodySpecial said:


> No. But it may change what is an effective resolution in an interpersonal relationship.


True


----------



## Adelais

Saveme said:


> Hi Everyone .. So i was able to get into my husbands phone (briefly though). I couldn't get his phone records, so i've been trying gain access to his phone whenever it's not with him. I couldn't guess his password either. Yesterday, he put his phone down unlocked before he took a shower. I was able to go through his msgs as quickly before he come out again. I found some text talking about meeting at a cafe (no time given), and talking about how he liked her dress. Also, they were discussing about their visit to the museum downtown. The tone was clearly intimate. (the name used was not an actual women's name but the name of a dessert) I quickly went through some of his emails as well, but didn't find anything. I needed more time to search, but i had only a few minutes. I'm still planning on talking to him tmr night at the restaurant. I'm wondering if there's anything i should be considering at this point before we talk? Thanks for your help everyone.


1. A woman's texts are under the name of a dessert.
2. He talked intimately about her clothing.
3. They went to a museum together??

Your husband is in an active affair, there is no explaining all that away.

Before you talk with your husband, learn your rights as a spouse. Make an appointment with a divorce lawyer just to learn what your rights are. You will be surprised, and it will give take away some of your fear of the unknown. You might be able to get a free consultation with some lawyers. Remember that just talking with a lawyer in a free consultations does not obligate you to file for divorce on the spot. Knowledge is power.

Don't tell him anything until you have your ducks in a row. If you speak to him prematurely, he will take his affair further underground, and deny deny deny in the future.

Some people confront with divorce papers in hand, and that alone scares a spouse enough to stop the adultery. Don't do this unless you really are willing to divorce him if he doesn't stop.

You also need to get yourself tested for STDs and stop having sex with him for now. His dessert dish might have an STD, and now your husband has it too.

I'm so sorry for you.

His affair does not nullify yours, or vise versa. You need to own your side, which you have. If you stay with him, you will have to tell him.

Do you want to remain married to a man who is having an affair with someone?


----------



## StillSearching

NobodySpecial said:


> And she does not know who he truly is either. Does she?


The truth starts and ends with your own responsibility.
So, This question is moot until she knows who she is.


----------



## notmyjamie

StillSearching said:


> The truth starts and ends with your own responsibility.
> So, This question is moot until she knows who she is.


I disagree somewhat. If the goal is to save their marriage, she needs to know who he is just as much as she needs to know herself. She is 100% responsible for her cheating, absolutely. But if he is also cheating, they can't fix their marriage solely on her making the changes and making amends for her wrongdoings. If they are both cheating there is something seriously wrong in their marriage that will need to be addressed in counseling by both of them.

To quote a meme I once saw, you can't have a healthy relationship if one of them is wearing a mask. So if she takes off hers, he also needs to take off his.


----------



## StillSearching

notmyjamie said:


> I disagree somewhat. If the goal is to save their marriage,* she needs to know who he is just as much as she needs to know herself*. She is 100% responsible for her cheating, absolutely. But if he is also cheating, they can't fix their marriage solely on her making the changes and making amends for her wrongdoings. If they are both cheating there is something seriously wrong in their marriage that will need to be addressed in counseling by both of them.
> 
> To quote a meme I once saw, you can't have a healthy relationship if one of them is wearing a mask. So if she takes off hers, he also needs to take off his.


But she can't.
She doesn't know who she is....
The goal should first be "Who am I?"
Then "Who is he?"
Then "Do I want to save this marriage?"

That order cannot be changed successfully.
Period.


----------



## BioFury

She'sStillGotIt said:


> So true.
> 
> Most cheaters tend to lie and greatly downplay the quality of the sex with their affair partners. Not all, but most. Read any infidelity board and you'll see that most of the BS's actually believe their cheating spouses who have told them the sex with their OM/OW "wasn't that hot" and that the sex at home "is better." That's probably one of the biggest lies cheaters tell, but most BS's actually believe it because I guess they desperately want to.
> 
> You need to be brutally honest with your husband, but if you describe to your husband how unbelievably hot the sex was like you described it here, then you'll likely never live that down and as Decorum said, your husband will never get past that.


Are you recommending she lie to him? Is it not hypocritical, for everyone to say "he deserves to know" and "if you want to be a person of integrity, you'll tell him the truth", while also counselling her to lie about the quality of the sex? Or to intentionally remove certain details, which is just as deceptive as lying?

I don't dispute the consequences of her revealing the complete truth. But if you're going to argue that she should hold back certain details so he won't feel doubly eviscerated, why just not tell him about the whole thing, and not hurt his feelings at all?


----------



## NextTimeAround

BioFury said:


> Are you recommending she lie to him? Is it not hypocritical, for everyone to say "he deserves to know" and "if you want to be a person of integrity, you'll tell him the truth", *while also counselling her to lie about the quality of the sex?* Or to intentionally remove certain details, which is just as deceptive as lying?
> 
> I don't dispute the consequences of her revealing the complete truth. But if you're going to argue that she should hold back certain details so he won't feel doubly eviscerated, why just not tell him about the whole thing, and not hurt his feelings at all?


Even if it were bad sex, it's still adultery, so what's the point? ie, Oh gee, I thought the sex was going to be horrible, which as you know, means it doesn't count as cheating.>>


----------



## personofinterest

BioFury said:


> Are you recommending she lie to him? Is it not hypocritical, for everyone to say "he deserves to know" and "if you want to be a person of integrity, you'll tell him the truth", while also counselling her to lie about the quality of the sex? Or to intentionally remove certain details, which is just as deceptive as lying?
> 
> I don't dispute the consequences of her revealing the complete truth. But if you're going to argue that she should hold back certain details so he won't feel doubly eviscerated, why just not tell him about the whole thing, and not hurt his feelings at all?


I'm saying an emotionally intelligent person doesn't glorify the hot sex unless the BS ASKS how the sex was.


----------



## NobodySpecial

StillSearching said:


> But she can't.
> She doesn't know who she is....
> The goal should first be "Who am I?"
> Then "Who is he?"
> Then "Do I want to save this marriage?"
> 
> That order cannot be changed successfully.
> Period.


Where did she establish that she does not know who she is? I missed that part.


----------



## notmyjamie

StillSearching said:


> But she can't.
> She doesn't know who she is....
> The goal should first be "Who am I?"
> Then "Who is he?"
> Then "Do I want to save this marriage?"
> 
> That order cannot be changed successfully.
> Period.


To me, it sounds like you're saying she needs to confess her sins. Take his wrath. Not bring up his sins at all. Then later, after they've dealt with her sins, then she can mention what she suspects about him. 

Do I have that right? Because that's just not fair. They've both done wrong and in order to fix it they both need to confess their sins without blaming each other for them. They both need to take responsibility for their own actions.


----------



## BioFury

personofinterest said:


> I'm saying an emotionally intelligent person doesn't glorify the hot sex unless the BS ASKS how the sex was.


I suppose there is no "right" way to tell your spouse you slept with someone else. She's ruined everything either way.


----------



## TJW

personofinterest said:


> an emotionally intelligent person doesn't glorify the hot sex unless the BS ASKS how the sex was.


An emotionally intelligent person recognizes that an AP "holds all the cards". Sex with the AP is magnified, sex with the spouse is reviled. An emotionally-intelligent person recognizes that "glorification of hot sex" will, even if the BS asks, create an impasse which cannot be bridged again. It is "toothpaste out of the tube". There's no recovery from this, it does not respond to "forgiveness", because it is a preference the WS is "entitled" to exercise.

The WS response is going to always be feelings of inadequacy and of being a "plan B". I don't think there can be any recovery from this. If there was recovery, then the marital vows would be unimportant.


----------



## personofinterest

TJW said:


> An emotionally intelligent person recognizes that an AP "holds all the cards". Sex with the AP is magnified, sex with the spouse is reviled. An emotionally-intelligent person recognizes that "glorification of hot sex" will, even if the BS asks, create an impasse which cannot be bridged again. It is "toothpaste out of the tube". There's no recovery from this, it does not respond to "forgiveness", because it is a preference the WS is "entitled" to exercise.
> 
> The WS response is going to always be feelings of inadequacy and of being a "plan B". I don't think there can be any recovery from this. If there was recovery, then the marital vows would be unimportant.


Do you always spin a bunch of wild crap that has nothing to do with another person's post?


----------



## StillSearching

NobodySpecial said:


> Where did she establish that she does not know who she is? I missed that part.


Right here!
Had an affair, and now feel very guilty. Scared to tell my husband. Help Please!


----------



## StillSearching

notmyjamie said:


> To me, it sounds like you're saying she needs to confess her sins. Take his wrath. Not bring up his sins at all. Then later, after they've dealt with her sins, then she can mention what she suspects about him.
> 
> Do I have that right? Because that's just not fair. They've both done wrong and in order to fix it they both need to confess their sins without blaming each other for them. They both need to take responsibility for their own actions.


No it is not. 
what I am saying is...You cannot lump them together, with their sins or not, and fix anything.

She doesn't know who she is....And she doesn't. 
The goal should first be "Who am I?"....(I'm a cheater. What can I do to fix ME?. Which entails telling the truth..etc.)
Then "Who is he?" ....(Is he a cheater?...Is he willing to fix himself")

Then "Do I want to save this marriage?"

That order cannot be changed successfully.
Period.
BTW, What's fair hardly ever relates to reality.
"They both need to take responsibility for their own actions"...around the world to get here...across the street.


----------



## NobodySpecial

StillSearching said:


> Right here!
> Had an affair, and now feel very guilty. Scared to tell my husband. Help Please!


OP: In my opinion, this hyperbole is not worth considering as you decide your go forward approach.


----------



## colingrant

*About 2 months ago, one of my colleagues at work started to give me a lot of compliments and he has asked me quite often to go out for lunch. He works in a different department and is quite the looker. 

We got to know each more, and after about a week of having lunch together, he asked me if i wanted to go out for drinks one day after work. He was also married, so i felt we knew each others boundaries.*

The foundation of your infidelity is that mutual attraction existed and you both permitted the consummation of the affair to start with a not so innocent lunch. What boundaries are you speaking of here, as I see nothing in your actions that acknowledged boundaries? You agreed to lunch dates with a man that was clearly attracted to you all of a sudden. Boundaries are when people knowingly make decisions prohibiting any action with another person that can lead to further activity. I read nothing in your posts indicating resistance. I see where you opened the door to see what might happen. No boundaries here. Be authentic. 

*So i agreed to go have a drink with him one night, and i told my husband i was working late.*

You pretty much knew where this was going and confirmed it by lying to your husband. Be authentic. 

*I really want to come clean and tell him the truth, but i’m also very scared how he will react. I fear that he might not forgive me and perhaps as for a divorce if he knew the truth. *

An unpredictable and unintended consequence of *wanting to experience the intimacy of another man* is the unknown relationship outcome of the man you supposedly love. Your husband has to know the truth so that he can decide if you are the type of person he wants to be married to. He doesn't have this information and it's only fair that he has it. The outcome is in his hands, not yours. This is the price of infidelity. Your husband will be shocked that you valued the thrill of sex with an attractive man over him and your marriage to him. Whether you admit it or not, you did a cost, benefit calculation in your head and chose experiencing the intimacy of an attractive lover. The sting of this reality for your husband may or may not be recoverable for him. He will be shocked that he was not thought of more highly or respected. Infidelity is very, very ugly and costly in ways you may not have thought of yet. 

*Anyways, we slept together only the one time, but he wanted to keep seeing me while i was the one who stopped it. I have not seen him outside of work (we just went to lunch to discuss what happened). I still think he's a sweet guy who is not only after me for my boobs. We both just did something we shouldn't have.*

Remove the word "only" when you tell your husband. It's embarrassingly disrespectful and minimizing. Remember, the tactful steps towards having sex with your lover were many. You planned lunches, you planned what to wear, a date to go out drinking and an excuse to give your husband. Quite a few decisions went into the sex act itself that you may not have disclosed here. The word only is not taking responsibility. Your husband was greatly disrespected and will be humiliated and emasculated with your confession. No need to further disrespect him by saying you only f'd your lover one time. 

*We did discuss that we were both married and shouldn't be doing this, but it happened anyways. We don't have any kids yet. *

As I said above, boundaries were nonexistent. This statement says it all. It was lust driven, pure and simple. I'm telling you this so that you can be real with yourself and husband. The opposite means you are not owning up to your life altering misdeed and is ripe to repeat it. 

*Thanks. I want to make this marriage work. I need to believe that i can be forgiven if once he knows. I also hope that he is also not cheating on me.*

I'd spend the time your wondering about him on yourself at this time. Opposite sex validation with your boob job isn't going to stop anytime soon. Also reflect on your motives of his potential infidelity. I'm not saying you're lying, but you may be subconsciously seeking to alleviate your guilt and shame by finding his infidelity prior to confession so that you can position yourself better for forgiveness from him and reconciliation. 

The major characteristics of being a wayward spouse is that the wayward only thinks of themselves and everyone else is collateral damage. If you are seeking to deflect your own infidelity with proof of his, you are continuing with the characteristics of being wayward and far from the safe, committed, transparent, faithful and remorseful wife. Get your sxxt together and worry about his after you your own self discovery. 

*Again i admit that what i did was wrong. I'm trying to make sure our marriage can survive this if i tell him. I do agree with you this he does deserve to know. Just need to find the right timing. Btw, i did not make out with him in front of other colleagues. We were in a lounge with strangers.*

Focus on yourself and by telling him the truth, he'll let you know if you're worthy of marriage. Making out in public indicates that your lust was so strong you didn't even consider friends, acquaintances, coworkers or relatives of your husband may see you. I'm just telling you how your husband will see things. Your actions made the statement, "this guy is so hot, I don't care who sees us" or "he has me so excited, I've forgotten who and where I am". Either is an indictment of which your husband will be devastated. Public make out sessions are precursors to private sex. The hurtful truth of this matter from your husband's perspective is you were hot for another man and wanted sex with him. Period.


----------



## StillSearching

For one to "Be authentic"
They first must know who they are.


----------



## NobodySpecial

StillSearching said:


> For one to "Be authentic"
> They first must know who they are.


Regardless of your assumptions, that does not seem to be one of her quandaries.


----------



## notmyjamie

StillSearching said:


> No it is not.
> what I am saying is...You cannot lump them together, with their sins or not, and fix anything.
> 
> She doesn't know who she is....And she doesn't.
> The goal should first be "Who am I?"....(I'm a cheater. What can I do to fix ME?. Which entails telling the truth..etc.)
> Then "Who is he?" ....(Is he a cheater?...Is he willing to fix himself")
> 
> Then "Do I want to save this marriage?"
> 
> That order cannot be changed successfully.
> Period.
> BTW, What's fair hardly ever relates to reality.
> "They both need to take responsibility for their own actions"...around the world to get here...across the street.


I must have low blood sugar or something because I'm just not getting what you are recommending. So the order can't be changed. So how long does she wait after answering each question before she goes onto the next? 

How do you see her answering these questions?


----------



## NextTimeAround

> Focus on yourself and by telling him the truth, he'll let you know if you're worthy of marriage. Making out in public indicates that your lust was so strong you didn't even consider friends, acquaintances, coworkers or relatives of your husband may see you.


She was waiting for permission. you know how when one engages in PDA, someone inevitably says "Get a room." that's all the permission she needed.


----------



## OnTheFly

StillSearching said:


> For one to "Be authentic"
> They first must know who they are.


It's odd you're getting pushback from the sisterhood.....or is it? Hmmmm.......


----------



## NobodySpecial

notmyjamie said:


> I must have low blood sugar or something because I'm just not getting what you are recommending. So the order can't be changed. So how long does she wait after answering each question before she goes onto the next?
> 
> How do you see her answering these questions?


My take was that cheating demonstrates an existential problem with person-hood that she has to resolve before she can rejoin the human race.


----------



## personofinterest

Here's the thing....even if your husband is cheating (and it wouldn't surprise me), it doesn't make YOUR choice right. Or any less wrong.

So, if you confess and he continues to hide? Well, then you know what you need to be about his character.

Telling your husband the truth humbly is the first step. And, if you need to, then continue investigating his suspicious behavior. But really, melding your affair with his "maybe" one misses the point.

If YOU want to be the type of person who lives with integrity and takes responsibility, then hedging it because he might be behaving badly isn't the way to go.


----------



## StillSearching

OnTheFly said:


> It's odd you're getting pushback from the sisterhood.....or is it? Hmmmm.......


It's called not called The Big 5 for nothing.
There are predictors of behavior that can be established from these traits. 
So no, it's not odd that as women their Higher trait Neuroticism and Agreeableness make them likely to sick together, if only for a very short time.


----------



## StillSearching

NobodySpecial said:


> My take was that cheating demonstrates an existential problem with person-hood that she has to resolve before she can rejoin the human race.


I guess everyone has a take.


----------



## Tron

Get your evidence of the affair and then decide what YOU want and confront him. 

If you know 100% that he has cheated on you, do you even want to stay with him? Because fixing a marriage after an A is hard hard work. It is much easier to move on, D and start fresh with someone else (with no history)...especially with no kids in the mix. 

If you proceed with the confrontation without all your evidence in hand then what he will do is claim he never did anything and lord that over you, even to the extent that it becomes abusive. Seen it too many times on here over the years.


----------



## NextTimeAround

OnTheFly said:


> It's odd you're getting pushback from the sisterhood.....or is it? Hmmmm.......


It might be that some people live by principle, in this case that gets evenly applied to both men and women.


----------



## notmyjamie

OnTheFly said:


> It's odd you're getting pushback from the sisterhood.....or is it? Hmmmm.......


I'm not trying to give pushback. I simply don't understand what he's trying to convey. I get the "figure yourself out" part but at some point, his actions will also come into play if they have a half a prayer of saving their marriage. At what point should that happen is what I'm asking. His actions are in no way, shape, or form a reason for her actions. I understand her need to feel desired, sexy, worthy, etc. I really do. But I don't condone her way of finding it. I think she's learning it wasn't the way to do it as well.


----------



## NobodySpecial

NextTimeAround said:


> It might be that some people live by principle, in this case that gets evenly applied to both men and women.


I wonder how moralizing helps the OP with her situation?


----------



## StillSearching

notmyjamie said:


> I must have low blood sugar or something because I'm just not getting what you are recommending. So the order can't be changed. So how long does she wait after answering each question before she goes onto the next?
> 
> How do you see her answering these questions?


I'm sorry I thought I was very clear.
No the order cannot be changed.
"So how long does she wait after answering each question before she goes onto the next? " One second, if she likes. 

"How do you see her answering these questions?" I don't see her answering these questions, unless she's motivated too. 
Period.
First and foremost she's a WW. and must be filed on.


----------



## NobodySpecial

@Saveme one thing to keep in mind, many (most?) of the people who are replying to you are people who were cheated on in the past. Their PoV is, naturally, that of a hurt betrayed spouse. I can't help that some of the moralizing is about punishing you vs. helping you.


----------



## BluesPower

NobodySpecial said:


> @Saveme one thing to keep in mind, many (most?) of the people who are replying to you are people who were cheated on in the past. Their PoV is, naturally, that of a hurt betrayed spouse. I can't help that some of the moralizing is about punishing you vs. helping you.


What is up with you lately? I like a lot of your stuff and agree with some of it. 

And yes some of the post smay be too harsh, I get some of that. 

Here is one opinion... 

Whether he is cheating, (he is), or not, in no way excuses her actions. I don't think that you are advocating cheating in a relationship? Are you? 

Cheating is wrong, that is why they call it cheating. Further, male or female, it is the wrong way to handle your problems. It causes more problems than it fixes. 

So what a lot of people are saying is, " hey, deal with your character issues first." 

And there are some issues her or SHE would not feel guilty. Don't you think. 

I am not holding myself out as any kind if moral arbitrator... but if you are in a marriage where you both, at some point pledged to forsake all others, the I think we can agree that cheating is wrong. 

I do think that she needs to figure out if he is cheating, (again, he is), and maybe that can be dealt with in the same conversation that she plans on having with her husband. 

She needs to own her **** and deal with his **** in order to make a decision on this marriage.


----------



## StillSearching

@Saveme one thing to keep in mind is that many opinions here are coming from the same traits that might have started you down the wrong path to begin with.


----------



## StillSearching

The truth OP, I don't see you saving this marriage, but you can have a better future.
It starts with understanding who you are! Scientifically and Psychologically 
https://www.understandmyself.com/


----------



## notmyjamie

StillSearching said:


> I'm sorry I thought I was very clear.
> No the order cannot be changed.
> "So how long does she wait after answering each question before she goes onto the next? " One second, if she likes.
> 
> "How do you see her answering these questions?" I don't see her answering these questions, unless she's motivated too.
> Period.
> First and foremost she's a WW. and must be filed on.


So he should immediately file on her because she cheated. And she needs to realize that she owns the fact that she cheated and her choice was hers alone and come to terms with what that means. And once she does, a minute later she can then ask him about the evidence that he's been cheating. So then she can file on him because, he's a WH and must be filed on. 

So we're basically saying the same thing. Own your own faults before you start to deal with the fact that your spouse may have had those same faults. On this I agree. Before OP sits down for that dinner she needs to understand that "I only did it because..." should not leave her mouth. Instead it should be "I made a horrible choice and I was dead wrong. There is no excuse for it. I am so remorseful and want to make things better for you. Tell me what you need from me." I think in order to not ever make this mistake again, OP should consider some IC for herself so she sees why this happened and can then avoid it in the future.

I'd love to say it will go that way but I highly doubt it. I do foresee her husband losing his **** and when the part about her suspicions about his cheating come up...he'll gaslight and outright lie to her. If only because she will have had all this time to come to terms with what she's done and he'll be getting blindsided by the conversation. And until that moment, he will think he's been getting away with it. 

@Saveme I wish you the best of luck when you talk with your husband. ETA: I hope that didn't come across the wrong way. I truly do hope so. I hope he is able to be calm and really listen and that you are able to say what you need to say. Good luck!!! *hugs*


----------



## StillSearching

notmyjamie said:


> *So he should immediately file on her because she cheated. And she needs to realize that she owns the fact that she cheated and her choice was hers alone and come to terms with what that means. And once she does, a minute later she can then ask him about the evidence that he's been cheating. So then she can file on him because, he's a WH and must be filed on.
> *
> So we're basically saying the same thing. Own your own faults before you start to deal with the fact that your spouse may have had those same faults. On this I agree. Before OP sits down for that dinner she needs to understand that "I only did it because..." should not leave her mouth. Instead it should be "I made a horrible choice and I was dead wrong. There is no excuse for it. I am so remorseful and want to make things better for you. Tell me what you need from me." I think in order to not ever make this mistake again, OP should consider some IC for herself so she sees why this happened and can then avoid it in the future.
> 
> I'd love to say it will go that way but I highly doubt it. I do foresee her husband losing his **** and when the part about her suspicions about his cheating come up...he'll gaslight and outright lie to her. If only because she will have had all this time to come to terms with what she's done and he'll be getting blindsided by the conversation. And until that moment, he will think he's been getting away with it.
> 
> @Saveme I wish you the best of luck when you talk with your husband.


Well, YES. She won't come to terms with what that means. 
It means who am I, why did I do this. Honestly. Her marriage is done, IMO. 
She must work on who she is for a better future. 
It matters not what her husband may or may not have done.
Because she will never get past step one.

She has traits that need motivation to a except changes within their own value system.
Her's are broken. They cannot be willed to change. 
As we go around the world to get across the street...


----------



## NorseViking

NextTimeAround said:


> I remember when my exhusband accusing me of having an affair when he actually was.


That's a classic tactic many cheaters do.


----------



## notmyjamie

StillSearching said:


> Well, YES. She won't come to terms with what that means.
> It means who am I, why did I do this. Honestly. Her marriage is done, IMO.
> She must work on who she is for a better future.
> It matters not what her husband may or may not have done.
> Because she will never get past step one.
> 
> She has traits that need motivation to a except changes within their own value system.
> Her's are broken. They cannot be willed to change.
> As we go around the world to get across the street...


And on what do you base your assertion that she'll never change? Is it just that you don't think people can change? I think a lot of people don't change because they won't do the work necessary. But some people do...I've seen it. Keep hope alive!!!


----------



## NobodySpecial

BluesPower said:


> What is up with you lately? I like a lot of your stuff and agree with some of it.
> ...
> She needs to own her **** and deal with his **** in order to make a decision on this marriage.


Yup. Exactly.


----------



## Wazza

TJW said:


> Probably isn't worth the cost of the cyberspace. It would have 2 participants. Honestly, the kind of contrition required for "remorseful" takes YEARS to develop. Cheaters move on long before they actually become repentant, for the most part.


Actually when I first joined TAM it was able to talk to the WS and BS together, and I found that very helpful.

It’s lost that. There is a much greater tendency for BS to be hurtful and aggressive than they used to be and WS get driven away. 

So my experience on this very site refutes what you are saying.


----------



## NobodySpecial

BluesPower said:


> What is up with you lately?


Nothing is up with me other than I have an opinion. I share it. There is a sense that I shouldn't. Why? 

If I were in her shoes, I would be thinking... well the things that I have been thinking. So I share that.


----------



## x598

OP

sorry you find yourself in this situation.

here is what I would do if I was you. First and foremost, you HAVE to find out if he is cheating and have the evidence.

now its decision time. Do you want to TRY and save the marriage at this point? If you do, then you come clean and unfortunately for you, you have lost the "moral high ground" because of your infidelity. in other words, you don't get to be all offended and horrified by his cheating when you did the same thing. its entirely possible his cheating started out just like yours.....taking better care of himself, getting compliments and one thing led to another.

if it turns out to be false that he was cheating (unlikely)….then you still have to come clean and be prepared to take some serious heat and nobody can tell you what his reaction will be or if he decides to divorce YOU. 

I would also be very concerned with his reaction if you find out he is and confront......if he gas lights, deflects, blames or flat out lies...then you are dealing with someone unremorseful and there isn't anything worth saving anyway. at that point I would just call it quits as he really tore up your vows first and IMO all bets are off at that point anyway and you don't owe him a thing.


if he does come clean then maybe getting past this will be easier since neither of you are really better then the other.

hope this helps.


----------



## NobodySpecial

x598 said:


> OP
> 
> sorry you find yourself in this situation.
> 
> here is what I would do if I was you. First and foremost, you HAVE to find out if he is cheating and have the evidence.
> 
> now its decision time. Do you want to TRY and save the marriage at this point? If you do, then you come clean and unfortunately for you, you have lost the "moral high ground" because of your infidelity. in other words, you don't get to be all offended and horrified by his cheating when you did the same thing. its entirely possible his cheating started out just like yours.....taking better care of himself, getting compliments and one thing led to another.


hmmm. That is a neat way to think about it. An opportunity even. Hey dude, we both f'ed up. If we get radically honest with each other now, maybe we can save this thing? 



> if it turns out to be false that he was cheating (unlikely)….then you still have to come clean and be prepared to take some serious heat and nobody can tell you what his reaction will be or if he decides to divorce YOU.
> 
> I would also be very concerned with his reaction if you find out he is and confront......if he gas lights, deflects, blames or flat out lies...then you are dealing with someone unremorseful and there isn't anything worth saving anyway. at that point I would just call it quits as he really tore up your vows first and IMO all bets are off at that point anyway and you don't owe him a thing.
> 
> 
> if he does come clean then maybe getting past this will be easier since neither of you are really better then the other.
> 
> hope this helps.


Diggin this post.


----------



## MattMatt

*Moderator*

Wonderful debate, folks! Covering a lot of issues. Some of which might be of relevance and help to the OP, but some are not.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Tron said:


> Get your evidence of the affair and then decide what YOU want and confront him.
> 
> If you know 100% that he has cheated on you, do you even want to stay with him? Because fixing a marriage after an A is hard hard work. It is much easier to move on, D and start fresh with someone else (with no history)...especially with no kids in the mix.
> 
> *If you proceed with the confrontation without all your evidence in hand then what he will do is claim he never did anything and lord that over you, even to the extent that it becomes abusive. Seen it too many times on here over the years.*


 Definitely a high probability scenario w/ no evidence of his cheating. My concern would be she uses seeking evidence on him to kick the can down the road to avoid her own confession altogether. I see that as a pretty likely scenario in this case as well.

Nobody has even touched on the option that if he indeed is cheating then after they hash it out they open the marriage and become swingers. Not my cuppa by a longshot but it's still an option especially considering how much she enjoyed her fling.


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## personofinterest

"Definitely a high probability scenario w/ no evidence of his cheating. My concern would be she uses seeking evidence on him to kick the can down the road to avoid her own confession altogether. I see that as a pretty likely scenario in this case as well."

This. Especially kicking the can.


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## Wazza

OP, my background is as a betrayed spouse many years ago, who repaired the marriage for the sake of kids. Still together almost 30 years later. So that informs my perspective. 

If you want a marriage, you need trust. How will you rebuild that?

The dumbest thing you can do is try and use the suspicion of cheating by your spouse as a defence for your own actual cheating. If he hasn’t cheated, and you say “I did but I think you did too”...you can see where this goes. And if he did as well, you have a marriage where both of you are stepping outside. What do you actually have? You seem to be looking for a counter argument that will stem his anger at what you did. It’s not going to work. 

Your husband could not control your decision to step outside the marriage. He was never given a chance. But likewise, you can’t control his reaction. Nor can you predict it. You don’t know how this feels, or what it means, till you go through it. 

There is no quick fix to all this. The marriage, if it survives, is permanently changed. If you try and resist that by hiding the truth, I believe it will come out later. If nothing else, you are changed. 

My strong, strong suggestion is to tell your husband the truth, do not try to mitigate his actions, and work through what follows. He is going to go through a range of emotions, and it is going to be a long term thing. Years. I also agree with the advice you were given not to tell him in public. If he is going to take it badly, all you will achieve is a restaurant full of people knowing what you did. Finding out about this was like nothing else I ever experienced. I can’t begin to explain it. 

You’ve also been beat up here, and I have no wish to join in with that. So I am not quite sure how to say this. But you need to think about why you did what you did. You messed up, it’s all on you. Even if your husband had an affair, does that justify you doing likewise? And you don’t actually know. Your husband is going to wonder, if he stays with you, what stops you doing it again. 

Actually admitting what you did will help. Conversely, any lie you tell will just stamp you as a liar. Don’t do it. He will find out, and it will make things worse. But if you don’t know why you did it, how do you stop yourself doing it again? Your husband will ask that question, to himself if not to you. It needs a good answer.


----------



## farsidejunky

Wazza said:


> Actually when I first joined TAM it was able to talk to the WS and BS together, and I found that very helpful.
> 
> 
> 
> It’s lost that. There is a much greater tendency for BS to be hurtful and aggressive than they used to be and WS get driven away.
> 
> 
> 
> So my experience on this very site refutes what you are saying.


This.

Speaking As A Moderator:

Wishing poor outcomes on a poster is not okay.

Making sweeping negative generalizations is not okay.

Treating other posters poorly is not okay.

Yes, even waywards. 

It is possible to hold someone accountable without being an *******.

If you can't do the above, you will receive a temporary ban.

If you continue to do it, you will find yourself looking for another relationship site because this one will be unavailable.

Accountability is worthless uless it is from a place of love and/or concern...a genuine want to actually help someone.

Be good to each other.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## Taxman

One small story. Had a client years ago who was in an affair. He also suspected his wife of doing something behind his back. She, of late, had gone silent, was not her usual self. She was quiet, hiding things. Well, she certainly did have a major secret: she had paid an investigator, found out about her husband's affair, and was busily rearranging finances, having legal documents prepared, meeting with professionals. When she sprang her secret on him it was completely devastating. He was caught with his pants down, so to speak. She used the time wisely, between discovery and confrontation. It was one of the more lopsided divorces I have ever seen, the power of surprise, coupled with some really impressive lawyering. He walked away with little to show. Their kids were grown, so no child support, HOWEVER, a very impressive securities portfolio, real estate holdings, investments in diamonds and precious metals. She has a really nice life today. He does too, however, not nearly as affluent as he once was.


----------



## personofinterest

Taxman said:


> One small story. Had a client years ago who was in an affair. He also suspected his wife of doing something behind his back. She, of late, had gone silent, was not her usual self. She was quiet, hiding things. Well, she certainly did have a major secret: she had paid an investigator, found out about her husband's affair, and was busily rearranging finances, having legal documents prepared, meeting with professionals. When she sprang her secret on him it was completely devastating. He was caught with his pants down, so to speak. She used the time wisely, between discovery and confrontation. It was one of the more lopsided divorces I have ever seen, the power of surprise, coupled with some really impressive lawyering. He walked away with little to show. Their kids were grown, so no child support, HOWEVER, a very impressive securities portfolio, real estate holdings, investments in diamonds and precious metals. She has a really nice life today. He does too, however, not nearly as affluent as he once was.


 In that case, was the wife also having an affair? Because I can't tell if you are saying the OP should do this to her husband or if you are saying you hope her husband is going to do this to her.


----------



## attheend02

personofinterest said:


> In that case, was the wife also having an affair? Because I can't tell if you are saying the OP should do this to her husband or if you are saying you hope her husband is going to do this to her.



I think he was saying that the wayward husband suspected his wife of having an affair because she exhibited some typical behavior, but her behavior was really because she new the truth and was preparing for divorce.


----------



## personofinterest

attheend02 said:


> I think he was saying that the wayward husband suspected his wife of having an affair because she exhibited some typical behavior, but her behavior was really because she new the truth and was preparing for divorce.


Ah so he is implying that her husband is not cheating but investigating HER.


Yeah.....not likely.


----------



## BluesPower

personofinterest said:


> Ah so he is implying that her husband is not cheating but investigating HER.
> 
> Yeah.....not likely.


I think that TM is just telling a story about one thing that he has seen. 

And I disagree with whoever said there is not evidence that he is cheating. There may be no "hard evidence" that he is cheating, and that may be true. 

However, unless TM's story does apply to this, I think it is really clear that HIS red flags say that he is cheating. 

But I guess that we will not know until/if OP comes back...


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

BioFury said:


> Are you recommending she lie to him? Is it not hypocritical, for everyone to say "he deserves to know" and "if you want to be a person of integrity, you'll tell him the truth", while also counselling her to lie about the quality of the sex? Or to intentionally remove certain details, which is just as deceptive as lying?
> 
> I don't dispute the consequences of her revealing the complete truth. But if you're going to argue that she should hold back certain details so he won't feel doubly eviscerated, why just not tell him about the whole thing, and not hurt his feelings at all?


I'm not "counseling" ANYONE to lie. Where did I tell her to *lie* in my post? I *didn't*. 

I told her to be brutally honest with him but I ALSO warned her that if she describes the sex she had with her OM the SAME exact way she described it in *this thread*, she'll never live it down and he'll never get over it. 

I guess you missed where she described sex with the OM as:


*"We ended up in a nearby hotel and i had some of the most intense sex ever. It was like i was not myself that night. The way he lusted over me, and how he touched me made lose myself."

*​There ARE ways to be honest with someone without being unnecessarily cruel or hurtful.

I stand by my post.


----------



## VermiciousKnid

If this story is real, this marriage is over. The important thing now is who lawyers up first and goes on offense.


----------



## Taxman

No, the wife was not in any kind of affair. Her taking care of business caused him to suspect infidelity, however, it was her gathering evidence, separating finances, and arranging new living quarters. When the confrontation occurred, he was stunned by how completely she had covered herself. I was impressed, and that is saying a lot, having done this for over 40. If, you can submerge emotion, and carry a plan through to completion, you will have a "successful" divorce. (Sounds awful just writing that). Serves as an illustration of how messed up one's thought processes can be when loyalties are divided. He projected his own wrongdoing onto his wife, when he should have looked carefully at what she really was doing. He could have defended himself better.


----------



## personofinterest

Taxman said:


> No, the wife was not in any kind of affair. Her taking care of business caused him to suspect infidelity, however, it was her gathering evidence, separating finances, and arranging new living quarters. When the confrontation occurred, he was stunned by how completely she had covered herself. I was impressed, and that is saying a lot, having done this for over 40. If, you can submerge emotion, and carry a plan through to completion, you will have a "successful" divorce. (Sounds awful just writing that). Serves as an illustration of how messed up one's thought processes can be when loyalties are divided. He projected his own wrongdoing onto his wife, when he should have looked carefully at what she really was doing. He could have defended himself better.


So how exactly does losing weight, getting fit, changing one's dress, etc. out of the blue help one to gather evidence?

Look, I think the OP needs to tell the truth regardless of her husband's actions or lack thereof.

But let's get real. Her hubby isn't changing all this stuff because he's doing the PI thing....


----------



## EleGirl

Saveme said:


> Hi Everyone .. So i was able to get into my husbands phone (briefly though). I couldn't get his phone records, so i've been trying gain access to his phone whenever it's not with him. I couldn't guess his password either. Yesterday, he put his phone down unlocked before he took a shower. I was able to go through his msgs as quickly before he come out again. I found some text talking about meeting at a cafe (no time given), and talking about how he liked her dress. Also, they were discussing about their visit to the museum downtown. The tone was clearly intimate. (the name used was not an actual women's name but the name of a dessert) I quickly went through some of his emails as well, but didn't find anything. I needed more time to search, but i had only a few minutes. I'm still planning on talking to him tmr night at the restaurant. I'm wondering if there's anything i should be considering at this point before we talk? Thanks for your help everyone.


I still think that you are making a mistake in telling him about your cheating before you know more about what he's been up to. I know that a lot of people here disagree with that.

You do need to deal with your own wrongs. But you also need to know the reality of your situation.

I'm curious about your strong desire to tell him that you cheated. Usually people who cheat do not want their spouse to find out. The one time that people chomp at the bit to confess their infidelity is when they want to punish their spouse, not clear their own conscious.

I think that before you confess to him, you need to be clear to yourself on what your motive is. Just like knowing what he's been up to is part of your having full knowledge of your situation, you knowing why you are so eager to confess to him is another huge part of the knowledge you need of your situation.

My guess is that you are angry at him for ignoring you, for cheating, etc. and this is your way of hurting him. You have been suspicious that he has been cheating for some time now. Instead of you figuring out what he was up to, you got a boob job and cheated (got revenge). At least 50% of all people whose spouses cheat end up having a revenge affair. I think you had a revenge affair.

If you tell him about you cheating before you know the whole truth about him, this is going to backfire on you in a very bad way.

Most of the people on here telling you to just confess and that his 'crime' does not matter, only your "crime" matters are people (mostly men) who were cheated on. And they tend to be very very harsh on women who cheat and want their pound of flesh vicariously. Most wayward spouses who post for support on TAM do not find much support that is helpful, instead they are pushed in the way you are being pushed here. This thread is full of that.

One of the posters gave you the advice that you should first find out if he has been cheating. You pretty much have found that out now. And if he is cheating, then you owe him nothing and should just file for divorce because with you both cheating, your marriage will be next to impossible to save. I agree with this.


----------



## personofinterest

> Most of the people on here telling you to just confess and that his 'crime' does not matter, only your "crime" matters are people (mostly men) who were cheated on. And they tend to be very very harsh on women who cheat and want their pound of flesh vicariously. Most wayward spouses who post for support on TAM do not find much support that is helpful, instead they are pushed in the way you are being pushed here. This thread is full of that.


TRUTH

YOu misandrist!!!!!!!!


----------



## Cynthia

I agree with most of what @EleGirl last posted, especially this part:



EleGirl said:


> One of the posters gave you the advice that you should first find out if he has been cheating. You pretty much have found that out now. And if he is cheating, then you owe him nothing and should just file for divorce because with you both cheating, your marriage will be next to impossible to save. I agree with this.


What you posted about finding on your husband's phone shows that he is involved with another woman. Based on the other things you posted about his recent behavior, he is obviously cheating on you, so you were right. You then cheated on him, which you are upset about. 

Get into therapy immediately.

If you want to save the marriage, tell your husband that you know he's cheating and that you cheated as well. If he wants to make it work, you are both going to have to decide to be faithful and work through this together. You will both have to stop lying and be honest and faithful with each other. If he isn't interested, get a divorce and start over. But make sure you get therapy so you don't run to the first interested man for affirmation. Self love and self respect doesn't come from outside. It comes from within. In order to be happy in your life, it is imperative that you learn this and operate from this premise. Otherwise you're going to go through a bunch of dishonest men who are only interested in your boobs and care nothing about you as a person.


----------



## EleGirl

personofinterest said:


> TRUTH
> 
> YOu misandrist!!!!!!!!


Smarty pants... :surprise:

Oh I get it, having been cheated on by more than one husband, I get the anger and desire for something that makes the world seem fair. Thanks goodness I came to terms with it a long time ago. People are profoundly flawed.


----------



## NobodySpecial

EleGirl said:


> Most of the people on here telling you to just confess and that his 'crime' does not matter, only your "crime" matters are people (mostly men) who were cheated on. And they tend to be very very harsh on women who cheat and want their pound of flesh vicariously. Most wayward spouses who post for support on TAM do not find much support that is helpful, instead they are pushed in the way you are being pushed here. This thread is full of that.
> 
> One of the posters gave you the advice that you should first find out if he has been cheating. You pretty much have found that out now. *And if he is cheating, then you owe him nothing and should just file for divorce because with you both cheating, your marriage will be next to impossible to save.* I agree with this.


All of the above, I'm afraid. OR you're both cheating so at least you don't have to go through the ugly whose to blame period?


----------



## TJW

She'sStillGotIt said:


> There ARE ways to be honest with someone without being unnecessarily cruel or hurtful.
> I stand by my post.


I stand by my post, too. Unnecessarily cruel or hurtful dialog demonstrates that the WS is not remorseful, instead, is seeking to blame-shift. And, it gives the BS good reason to not reconcile..... who, in their right mind, wants to be the partner of someone who has so little respect for him that she cheats, and additionally, cares nothing about his feelings and his emotional well-being ??


----------



## personofinterest

TJW said:


> I stand by my post, too. Unnecessarily cruel or hurtful dialog demonstrates that the WS is not remorseful, instead, is seeking to blame-shift. And, it gives the BS good reason to not reconcile..... who, in their right mind, wants to be the partner of someone who has so little respect for him that she cheats, and additionally, cares nothing about his feelings and his emotional well-being ??


Oh good grief...stretch much?


----------



## Cynthia

TJW said:


> I stand by my post, too. Unnecessarily cruel or hurtful dialog demonstrates that the WS is not remorseful, instead, is seeking to blame-shift. And, it gives the BS good reason to not reconcile..... who, in their right mind, wants to be the partner of someone who has so little respect for him that she cheats, and additionally, cares nothing about his feelings and his emotional well-being ??


People tend to disregard the feelings of those who are cheating on them. Besides if your spouse is cheating on you, it stands to reason that he thinks cheating is okay, so why not jump on the bandwagon! Not that I would do that, but when a person opens up their marriage, they are opening it up for both parties and should not be surprised when they get what they are dishing out.


----------



## uhtred

If they are both cheating, cant this be worked out? Maybe an open relationship is the best answer. Maybe they each need to find new partners. I don't see why this has to b a horrible hostile thing.


----------



## sokillme

So since you found out he is in an EA at the very least I think you should both probably just end it. Neither one of you is marriage material. I would say telling him is up to you, but personally I think honesty is the best way forward for your own soul. Plus **** him. 

It also doesn't let you off the hook because like I said before this was not a case where you KNEW he cheated and felt your marriage was over, you acted out of fear of it being over. That is something you need to address or that mentality can hinder you moving forward. When you had sex with this other guy in your mind you were cheating so it WAS cheating even if your husband killed your marriage first. YOU should lose the stupid friends who encouraged you down this path. See how well there advice worked out for you? Those people will not be an asset going forward only a liability. 

You could have left with your head held hi, and found a guy who was single (not sure about this guy you cheated with) after you found out your husband cheated. Probably would have had more fun in the long run too. If he is married the only innocent person in this whole thing is his wife. IF so that is another reason why you don't deserve a pass. 

I also know that I lost weight, over 50 pounds, had to buy new cloths, started dressing like I did 10 years earlier and it was never my intention to cheat on my wife nor would I. No matter what people on the board say. Though I would understand if my wife secretly went through my phone, because people are *******s. I wouldn't understand her ****ing some other guy because of it. And that is what you were doing in your own mind even if your hunch turned out to be right it was still a hunch.

And before some ridiculous person on here says that I am saying this because I am bitter or you are a women, or whatever nonsense they like to spew, I could care less about your adulterous husband, I hope when he finds about your affair it crushes him and he is impotent for a year. He deserves it. I am giving you this advice for YOU. YOU need to do better because you will have a better life. 

Get some IC and make yourself worthy of marrying a better man. Right now it seems you are both on the same level.


----------



## BioFury

She'sStillGotIt said:


> There ARE ways to be honest with someone without being unnecessarily cruel or hurtful.


True.


----------



## Blondilocks

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I'm not "counseling" ANYONE to lie. Where did I tell her to *lie* in my post? I *didn't*.
> 
> I told her to be brutally honest with him but I ALSO warned her that if she describes the sex she had with her OM the SAME exact way she described it in *this thread*, she'll never live it down and he'll never get over it.
> 
> I guess you missed where she described sex with the OM as:
> 
> 
> *"We ended up in a nearby hotel and i had some of the most intense sex ever. It was like i was not myself that night. The way he lusted over me, and how he touched me made lose myself."
> 
> *​There ARE ways to be honest with someone without being unnecessarily cruel or hurtful.
> 
> I stand by my post.


I don't see how her statement is cruel. She wasn't comparing the affair partner to her husband. It reads to me that the illicitness, the surroundings and how it all came about is what created the sensation of 'intense'.

Maybe the men on the thread can weigh in and state if they consider this statement particularly cruel. And, if so, what elements are stinging. Also, what type of statement would they consider to not be cruel. Because, face it, any statement is going to be taken as mean (because it is).


----------



## personofinterest

Blondilocks said:


> She'sStillGotIt said:
> 
> 
> 
> I'm not "counseling" ANYONE to lie. Where did I tell her to *lie* in my post? I *didn't*.
> 
> I told her to be brutally honest with him but I ALSO warned her that if she describes the sex she had with her OM the SAME exact way she described it in *this thread*, she'll never live it down and he'll never get over it.
> 
> I guess you missed where she described sex with the OM as:
> 
> 
> *"We ended up in a nearby hotel and i had some of the most intense sex ever. It was like i was not myself that night. The way he lusted over me, and how he touched me made lose myself."
> 
> *​There ARE ways to be honest with someone without being unnecessarily cruel or hurtful.
> 
> I stand by my post.
> 
> 
> 
> I don't see how her statement is cruel. She wasn't comparing the affair partner to her husband. It reads to me that the illicitness, the surroundings and how it all came about is what created the sensation of 'intense'.
> 
> Maybe the men on the thread can weigh in and state if they consider this statement particularly cruel. And, if so, what elements are stinging. Also, what type of statement would they consider to not be cruel. Because, face it, any statement is going to be taken as mean (because it is).
Click to expand...

So you think it would be a good idea to use those same words with her husband. If not, why not?


----------



## SunCMars

Originally Posted by @She'sStillGotIt 


> I'm not "counseling" ANYONE to lie. Where did I tell her to lie in my post? I didn't.
> 
> I told her to be brutally honest with him but I ALSO warned her that if she describes the sex she had with her OM the SAME exact way she described it in this thread, she'll never live it down and he'll never get over it.
> 
> I guess you missed where she described sex with the OM as:
> 
> "We ended up in a nearby hotel and i had some of the most intense sex ever. It was like i was not myself that night. The way he lusted over me, and how he touched me made lose myself."
> 
> There ARE ways to be honest with someone without being unnecessarily cruel or hurtful.
> 
> I stand by my post.





Blondilocks said:


> I don't see how her statement is cruel. She wasn't comparing the affair partner to her husband. It reads to me that the illicitness, the surroundings and how it all came about is what created the sensation of 'intense'.
> 
> Maybe the men on the thread can weigh in and state if they consider this statement particularly cruel. And, if so, what elements are stinging. Also, what type of statement would they consider to not be cruel. Because, face it, any statement is going to be taken as mean (because it is).


I agree with SSGI. Those words would boil my blood. 

After whipping him with the initial truth she would then pour sea-salt on the wound with a drunk-with-lust sailors honest truth?

No, she is not unfavorably comparing the AP's sexual prowess to her husband's ability, but she is saying something just as bad.

She had sex with another man and it was absolutely wonderful!

She would be better off saying it was vanilla sex. Hell, she is an admitted cheater and a liar already, why not continue doing the white lie?
Spare the guy the actual truth in her tale of having this milky-white puddle of ecstasy with the AP.





[THM]- The Martian


----------



## SunCMars

Her words of having *the most intense sex of her life* was _click-bait_, as far as I am concerned.

While all truth is Truth, not all truth needs be reported. 

.......................................................................................................................................................................................

Some truth is fired off 'for effect'.

_A single barrage, a single sentence, to lift the desert sand a thousand feet, the wind then to carry it for miles and miles for all to see._

.......................................................................................................................................................................................

Her wording and feelings were actually extraneous to this post.

This wording was included so as to be viewed as salacious. Certainly prurient, even if the skinny-dippin' truth.

Ah, we would all hope the sex was good, that it was worth the effort so gained by cheating. At least you got some thing of worth from it.

Her writing this truth, in her thread, was [seems] honest. But, was also, honestly revealing.

Some things need to be unsaid. I would consider this 'wording' to be one of them.





[THM] The Typist I


----------



## jsmart

Andy1001 said:


> Y*ou are still trying to lessen your guilt about having sex with a player who played you like a pinball machine. A new set of boobs just released the inner you, you ****ed this “sweet guy” in a local hotel after making out in a local bar.Did he phone his wife and kids to say he was working late? And I actually believe that you think nobody you knew saw you, because you really are that naive. *
> Now you are* trying to justify your actions by suggesting that your husband is having an affair.Because he improved himself the hard way,working out and watching his diet,*not by surgery.
> Projecting much?


I don't know who's more pathetic. The woman who use surgery to get a quick easy boost instead of working on themselves to naturally improve their looks or us men for being lured by fake breast and buts. We can know that the reason a woman looks so shapely is her fake implants but that doesn't stop us from lusting after her. 

Would a woman lust for a guy with fake muscle implants? She may look but I'm sure once she realizes they're fake muscles, that her opinion of the guy would go down and she would probably reject his advances.


The run up to the night at the hotel took a bit of time but was no accident. It started from when she started thinking about getting the boob job. Women know that we men are so shallow when it comes to our lust. I'm sure when she did her research, she read about how other women described being surprised by all of the attention from better looking men than they usually attract. 

Once she had the boobs done, it didn't take long for her to reap the benefits. She was now drawing the attention from a good looking co-worker, who would normally not pay attention to her but was now lusting after her. He was too hot for her to reject. 

All of the lunches were a precursor of where she knew it was going months before it happened. She ignored her brain that must have been screaming this guy just wants me because of my fake new boobs. She's convinced herself that her huband is cheating to justify her actions.

That she hasn't F'd this guy again yet is a miracle. The longer she takes to confess, the more likely she is to cave to her lustful desires. Witness how she labels him a sweet guy. He already tasted her and will do or say whatever it takes to get inside of her again. So if she really wants to put an end to it, she has to confess and leave that job.


----------



## sokillme

Blondilocks said:


> I don't see how her statement is cruel. She wasn't comparing the affair partner to her husband. It reads to me that the illicitness, the surroundings and how it all came about is what created the sensation of 'intense'.
> 
> Maybe the men on the thread can weigh in and state if they consider this statement particularly cruel. And, if so, what elements are stinging. Also, what type of statement would they consider to not be cruel. Because, face it, any statement is going to be taken as mean (because it is).


Everything about having and affair is cruel. To the BS it's like emotional rape. Nuff Said.


----------



## Wazza

Blondilocks said:


> I don't see how her statement is cruel. She wasn't comparing the affair partner to her husband. It reads to me that the illicitness, the surroundings and how it all came about is what created the sensation of 'intense'.
> 
> Maybe the men on the thread can weigh in and state if they consider this statement particularly cruel. And, if so, what elements are stinging. Also, what type of statement would they consider to not be cruel. Because, face it, any statement is going to be taken as mean (because it is).


If that were my wife, I would take it as rating the sex with the other man against other sexual experiences, some of which were presumably with me. So I would interpret it as a comparison, in which I had been found lesser.


----------



## jsmart

Saveme said:


> Hi Everyone .. So i was able to get into my husbands phone (briefly though). I couldn't get his phone records, so i've been trying gain access to his phone whenever it's not with him. I couldn't guess his password either. Yesterday, he put his phone down unlocked before he took a shower. I was able to go through his msgs as quickly before he come out again. I found some text talking about meeting at a cafe (no time given), and talking about how he liked her dress. Also, they were discussing about their visit to the museum downtown. The tone was clearly intimate. (the name used was not an actual women's name but the name of a dessert) I quickly went through some of his emails as well, but didn't find anything. I needed more time to search, but i had only a few minutes. *I'm still planning on talking to him tmr night at the restaurant*. I'm wondering if there's anything i should be considering at this point before we talk? Thanks for your help everyone.


 @Saveme , how are you doing? you said you were going to come clean last night. Did you confess? Since we haven't heard from you, we're worried about you. Have you been home with BH talking things out? If you confessed, how did he take it? Did he reveal that he too has been commiting adultery? 

If you haven't confessed. You better be careful. You're very likely to restart F'ing your co-worker, which will make it less likely that an R can be achieved.


----------



## TJW

Blondilocks said:


> She wasn't comparing the affair partner to her husband.


I disagree. She said in an earlier statement that her AP was a "looker", and that she "wasn't herself" in these sex encounters. Those are comparisons. If the other man is a "looker", and she did not also say that her husband is a "looker", that is a comparison, by default. During sexual encounters with her husband, she "is herself". again, by default, this compares her husband unfavorably to her AP.



Blondilocks said:


> Maybe the men on the thread can weigh in and state if they consider this statement particularly cruel. And, if so, what elements are stinging. Also, what type of statement would they consider to not be cruel. Because, face it, any statement is going to be taken as mean (because it is).


I consider statements like these to be unnecessarily and intentionally cruel. Saying that her AP is a "looker" is an excuse for her first adultery. Saying it is "the best sex she ever had" is an excuse for the continuation of her adultery.

Avoiding any kind of statement which magnifies the AP in any sense would be the best policy, and the least-damaging to marital restoration. She committed adultery because of her own lust and her own sin. These decisions that she made unilaterally should not blame any attribute of her husband, it has nothing to do with him. This is her own moral failure, and statements which don't blame-shift would be the least hurtful to her husband.

In my mind, if my WW came to me and said that she was sorry and ashamed of her choice, and asked for my forgiveness, in the absence of any of these other criticisms, and refused to answer any questions about affair details, beyond the FACT that she did it, the length of it, etc.... and her explanation of why included only her own propensity toward sin and her transgression against God, me, and our family based upon her selfish choice alone.....

That would give the best basis upon which our marriage could be rebuilt.

Statements like the above would forever relegate me to a humiliating posture at every succeeding sexual activity we had. I would feel completely inferior.



The Typist I said:


> Her writing this truth, in her thread, was [seems] honest. But, was also, honestly revealing.


Yep. I'm sure that her husband has felt her disdain for years. This would be a very hard marital problem to ever overcome, following the affair recovery.
@Wazza has it right.


----------



## Lila

jsmart said:


> I don't know who's more pathetic. The woman who use surgery to get a quick easy boost instead of working on themselves to naturally improve their looks or us men for being lured by fake breast and buts. We can know that the reason a woman looks so shapely is her fake implants but that doesn't stop us from lusting after her.


I'm not sure I know of anything that will naturally increase the cup size of a woman's breast or lift a saggy boob. Correction.... Gaining weight will in some cases increase boob size but then that would affect the "shapeliness" of a woman, no? 

I got breast implants after a lift. I may be pathetic but they sure look freaking fabulous. Wouldn't trade it for the world. 



> Would a woman lust for a guy with fake muscle implants? She may look but I'm sure once she realizes they're fake muscles, that her opinion of the guy would go down and she would probably reject his advances.


I think the better comparison would be if the guy started taking erectile dysfunction meds. For some women it's all fun and games until they start to question whether the hard on is because of her or because of the meds and they lose attraction. 




> The run up to the night at the hotel took a bit of time but was no accident. It started from when she started thinking about getting the boob job. Women know that we men are so shallow when it comes to our lust. * I'm sure when she did her research, she read about how other women described being surprised by all of the attention from better looking men than they usually attract. *


Lol you have a vivid imagination my friend. It's cute. But really, you think women who get cosmetic breast surgery are talking to each other about the amount of attention they get from better looking men? Lmao


----------



## personofinterest

Too many red capsules lol


----------



## NextTimeAround

> Lol you have a vivid imagination my friend. It's cute. But really, you think women who get cosmetic breast surgery are talking to each other about the amount of attention they get from better looking men? Lmao


yeah, I think so. This is the kind of stuff that women talk about among one another. If it's not a boob job, then it would be about a killer dress / bathing suit / outfit.

Likewise, men will mention the new attention they get from women when seen in the right car. 

The smart ones will only say it in safe company among their friends.


----------



## Lila

NextTimeAround said:


> Lol you have a vivid imagination my friend. It's cute. But really, you think women who get cosmetic breast surgery are talking to each other about the amount of attention they get from better looking men? Lmao
> 
> 
> 
> yeah, I think so. This is the kind of stuff that women talk about among one another. If it's not a boob job, then it would be about a killer dress / bathing suit / outfit.
> 
> Likewise, men will mention the new attention they get from women when seen in the right car.
> 
> The smart ones will only say it in safe company among their friends.
Click to expand...

Maybe it's because we were all married when we had the cosmetic surgery done but I have 3 life long friends who had breast surgery done (all by the same Dr) and getting attention from "more attractive" men never came up in our conversations. Not having itty bitty titties or socks with tennis balls in them, yes. Men's attention, no.


----------



## INTJwife_11

Two things. 1) Yes, your husband deserves to know. Now, not later! You did something that I assume hurt him and you have to be an adult and own up to it - regardless of the outcome. 2) It sounds like it’d be worthwhile for you to work on your self image. From what I’m reading, you had a boobjob mostly to please your husband, not yourself. And then you fell for a guy who didn’t pay attention to you until you had bigger boobs. You need to understand that you offer value regardless of what you look like.


----------



## faithfulman

The thing that blows my mind about this situation, is that Saveme cheated on her husband knowingly, taking deliberate steps to ****ing this coworker.

She did not "know" her husband was cheating then, not that that would be a good reason to do what she did.

And his cheating is still not "official", and if he is, she does not know the extent. For example, it may be an emotional affair. 

Now she is snooping around looking for evidence of his affair - which is fine - but the purpose is so when she tells him about her sexual affair, she can use it as leverage to make herself look not as bad.

That's pretty ****ed up.


----------



## TJW

The Typist I said:


> Some things need to be unsaid. I would consider this 'wording' to be one of them.


That's the really unfortunate part. Red pills don't make these things "unsaid". I hope @Saveme reads, and understands, that she should avoid statements like these and expresses her own regret and remorse only.



faithfulman said:


> That's pretty ****ed up.


It's totally ****ed up. Not only is it ****ed up, it will **** up any chance @Saveme has of restoring her marriage. "Blame-shifting" can be found, however, on page 3 of the Cheater's Handbook, chapter 1.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

personofinterest said:


> So you think it would be a good idea to use those same words with her husband. If not, why not?


I said it *WOULDN'T* be a good idea for the OP to describe the sex she had with her affair partner using the SAME WORDS she'd used in this thread - and then I quoted what she'd written from back on page #1.

And it would appear a lot of the men agree with me. Hey, it is what it is til it ain't.

Look, if this had been a man posting and saying the sex with his OW rocked his world and blah blah blah, I would have told him the same thing - to tone it down for his BS when he confessed to her. As I've stated several times in this thread, you can be honest without being *unnecessarily cruel*.


----------



## Blondilocks

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I said it *WOULDN'T* be a good idea for the OP to describe the sex she had with her affair partner using the SAME WORDS she'd used in this thread - and then I quoted what she'd written from back on page #1.
> 
> And it would appear a lot of the men agree with me. Hey, it is what it is til it ain't.
> 
> Look, if this had been a man posting and saying the sex with his OW rocked his world and blah blah blah, I would have told him the same thing - to tone it down for his BS when he confessed to her. As I've stated several times in this thread, you can be honest without being *unnecessarily cruel*.


PoI was addressing me.

She could craft a statement that would spare his feelings and possibly save her marriage; but, it would most likely come back to haunt her and the marriage. The statement is her truth. After years of her husband grilling her and demanding to know why she put the marriage in jeopardy for 'vanilla' sex, her truth would come out. And, then there would be an entire **** show of her having robbed him of his agency and LIED to him. Yep, she's ****ed one way or the other.


----------



## SunCMars

Blondilocks said:


> PoI was addressing me.
> 
> She could craft a statement that would spare his feelings and possibly save her marriage; but, it would most likely come back to haunt her and the marriage. The statement is her truth. After years of her husband grilling her and demanding to know why she put the marriage in jeopardy for 'vanilla' sex, her truth would come out. And, then there would be an entire **** show of her having robbed him of his agency and LIED to him. Yep, she's ****ed one way or the other.


Ah, woman...
Have Ye' no mercy?

Why is Truth held higher than compassion?

The betrayed husband knows enough. She cheated.
Why slather on bitter sweet whip cream onto her admission?

Whip cream, the whip then given more force, more impetus...
The whip given barbs, it then tearing, removing flesh, instead of leaving mere welts and raised skin.

Too much truth here is not needed. It is extraneous to the admission.

In the end, after learning all the unsavory details, the man will then agonize, and scream, even more out in pain. 
And the scars will be deeper, never to disappear.

Bah!

I know, I know, you want to punish this women even more for her sins. You want the man to hate her even more.
All this for her shallowness.

That she should never lay with him again. 
That the betrayed husband divorce her, that he never return, that he never again enter into her traitorous womb.

Ah, yes, the audacity. 

OH! That she should write those words of her feeling sexual thralldom, this female shall forever be punished for her shallowness.

Just say it. 

Say this is what you desire, my blond virtual acquaintance.







[The Helmsman]- The Typist I

The OP was honest in her admission. She left none out for posterity. Now, her posterior shall forever be spanked. Hmm?


----------



## NextTimeAround

Blondilocks said:


> PoI was addressing me.
> 
> She could craft a statement that would spare his feelings and possibly save her marriage; but, it would most likely come back to haunt her and the marriage. The statement is her truth. After years of her husband grilling her and *demanding to know why she put the marriage in jeopardy for 'vanilla' sex,* her truth would come out. And, then there would be an entire **** show of her having robbed him of his agency and LIED to him. Yep, she's ****ed one way or the other.


If she only "did it' with him once, how would she have known it was only for vanilla sex that this guy could offer her.


----------



## TJW

Blondilocks said:


> The statement is her truth. After years of her husband grilling her and demanding to know why she put the marriage in jeopardy for 'vanilla' sex, her truth would come out.


But.....confession and repentance does remarkable things on the inside of us. @Saveme will, through true contrition acquired, recognize that the sex with her AP was just vanilla, but flavored with "forbidden fruit", an affair conducted in the early period where limerence affected her.

She will formulate a new "truth", which will be her continuum of truth, that she loves her husband, desires sex with him, only, and is truly ashamed that she had sex outside her marriage through a stupid, selfish blunder and fall.

This is my hope. I know it is possible, I cannot say whether @Saveme will see the light. I hope she does.


----------



## Blondilocks

SunCMars said:


> Ah, woman...
> Have Ye' no mercy?
> 
> Why is Truth held higher than compassion?
> 
> The betrayed husband knows enough. She cheated.
> Why slather on bitter sweet whip cream onto her admission?
> 
> Whip cream, the whip then given more force, more impetus...
> The whip given barbs, it then tearing, removing flesh, instead of leaving mere welts and raised skin.
> 
> Too much truth here is not needed. It is extraneous to the admission.
> 
> In the end, after learning all the unsavory details, the man will then agonize, and scream, even more out in pain.
> And the scars will be deeper, never to disappear.
> 
> Bah!
> 
> I know, I know, you want to punish this women even more for her sins. You want the man to hate her even more.
> All this for her shallowness.
> 
> That she should never lay with him again.
> That the betrayed husband divorce her, that he never return, that he never again enter into her traitorous womb.
> 
> Ah, yes, the audacity.
> 
> OH! That she should write those words of her feeling sexual thralldom, this female shall forever be punished for her shallowness.
> 
> Just say it.
> 
> Say this is what you desire, my blond virtual acquaintance.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> [The Helmsman]- The Typist I
> 
> The OP was honest in her admission. She left none out for posterity. Now, her posterior shall forever be spanked. Hmm?


Oh, dear, you do project so. 

How about they try being honest so that they can build a sustainable marriage? It appears they were both looking for something that was missing in their marriage. It could be they are simply not compatible or they didn't know what that missing component was. It seems her husband was not lacking but rather the excitement was missing. That is a component that can be fixed.

As long as the husband realizes that her ONS had nothing to do with him and had everything to do with her, they can work on a new marriage based on both of their needs.

BTW, Red Dog is doing quite well - he's resting up after his meal of Rib Eye and potatoes. He had a Milk-Bone for dessert.0


----------



## Blondilocks

TJW said:


> But.....confession and repentance does remarkable things on the inside of us. @Saveme will, through true contrition acquired, recognize that the sex with her AP was just vanilla, but flavored with "forbidden fruit", an affair conducted in the early period where limerence affected her.
> 
> *She will formulate a new "truth*", which will be her continuum of truth, that she loves her husband, desires sex with him, only, and is truly ashamed that she had sex outside her marriage through a stupid, selfish blunder and fall.
> 
> This is my hope. I know it is possible, I cannot say whether @Saveme will see the light. I hope she does.


If you say so.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

Did you come clean to your husband?


----------



## jsmart

Since we haven't heard from @Saveme in a bit, I doubt that she's confessed. I'd bet that she's back on hot co-worker's tilt-a-world. Quite a few TAMers were so obsessed on her finding evidence for her husbands supposed indiscretion that they advised her to not confess until she had the goods on her BH, but they could not see that this woman was in danger of regressing back to the affair. She sees hot guy every day. How long was she supposed to hold out? 

Maybe she'll come back and update us. I'd love to be wrong but my money is on her being back in the affair.


----------



## uhtred

Its also possible she did confess. I hope she is OK.



jsmart said:


> Since we haven't heard from @Saveme in a bit, I doubt that she's confessed. I'd bet that she's back on hot co-worker's tilt-a-world. Quite a few TAMers were so obsessed on her finding evidence for her husbands supposed indiscretion that they advised her to not confess until she had the goods on her BH, but they could not see that this woman was in danger of regressing back to the affair. She sees hot guy every day. How long was she supposed to hold out?
> 
> Maybe she'll come back and update us. I'd love to be wrong but my money is on her being back in the affair.


----------



## Decorum

jsmart said:


> Since we haven't heard from @Saveme in a bit, I doubt that she's confessed. I'd bet that she's back on hot co-worker's tilt-a-world. Quite a few TAMers were so obsessed on her finding evidence for her husbands supposed indiscretion that they advised her to not confess until she had the goods on her BH, but they could not see that this woman was in danger of regressing back to the affair. She sees hot guy every day. How long was she supposed to hold out?
> 
> Maybe she'll come back and update us. I'd love to be wrong but my money is on her being back in the affair.


Saying no does not seem to be her strong point..

It has gone on too long, if she waits any longer she might as well call a lawyer and divorce him. There is little left to save.


----------



## drifting on

Saveme

I’m a little late to your thread, but wanted to post to you anyway even though you have a direction of travel chosen. Hopefully you have told your husband at this point, waiting will allow you to succumb to another bad choice, saying nothing. From what I’ve read you haven’t told him because of fear, when truth be told, no time is good to break this kind of news. You see you have only thought about how he will react in a negative way, that he may explode and make a scene, so you’ve chosen a public place. You have not considered how this nuclear bomb will hit at all, because you haven’t thought once that he now must walk past these patrons a broken man. It’s now been put on a public stage for him to endure. May want to rethink the location of dropping a nuclear bomb on the man you say you love. 

So the short story is you cultivated a relationship with a coworker. You enjoyed his compliments and the dates you shared together. Then without a doubt you really enjoyed the intensity of the physical act by describing it as the most intense sex ever. You even had a follow up date to discuss how wrong it was, still, all the while your thoughts not grounded in reality. You even further stated that he wanted to continue the affair, but you put a stop to that. You think this affair partner thinks highly of you and not just a notch on his bedpost. Quite possibly your most delusional thought yet. You said he wanted to continue the affair, even though you had a date to discuss just how wrong and betraying it was to have sex in the first place. What does that tell you? That this isn’t a man at all, that he wants a piece of ass even though it’s wrong, that he wants a woman with no strings attached. Is the picture getting a little clearer now?

My wife had a six month affair, started with compliments and lunch dates, graduated to sex. Wife thought this guy really loved her, meant something special to him, only to find that wasn’t the case. Your affair is probably no different, just two individuals who don’t understand love and expressing that love physically. What you don’t even know is that you have given all of yourself to the affair partner, and him all to you. What you don’t see is, how is that going to be special to your husband now? Theses are things you need to think about, yet you can’t even give your husband dignity and want to tell him in a restaurant booth. I can assure you this, if my wife told me in a public restaurant, those patrons would be talking of that night to this day like it happened five minutes ago. 

So what do you do now? You may want to prepare for your future, with or without your husband. You may want to be truthful, loyal, and embrace some change in your character. Try embracing some real guilt towards your husband, instead of guilt towards the most intense sex you’ve had. That’s how I see it from your posts, guilt that is askew. Remorse, embrace remorse when it comes, even though you are a far distance from remorse. No more waiting to tell, no more deception, no more contact with affair partner. 

You have a chance to be better, I’ll wait to see your response to this before I post more.


----------



## dpoohclock

I assume we haven't heard back from saveme in a while or confirmed if she told hubby or whatever. 

Anyway, what I can add to this, (there is a plethora of both good and (what I consider) bad advice in this thread already), is that it's good there are no kids yet. Makes it much easier to split this or clean up this marriage if they so desire. 

Personally, what bothers me most about the cheating idea isn't the physical part, its the lying about it. Lying about the desire before, lying about what happened after... That's the most damaging part of the whole thing. Sex is one thing, and to some people it's a bigger importance and so on, but the lying really destroys the relationship. 


Some minor history, my first wife had a boob job, went from a's to c's, and it was really nice in many aspects. Clothing fitment, especially dresses, body proportions, giving her more motivation to stay in shape... 
Did she get more compliments after ? yes. Did it lead to guys trying to get into her panties? Yes. Did it bother me? Not at all. But again, I have self esteem and am probably the least jealous person you will ever find, and she handled it well and told me about it.


----------



## drifting on

dpoohclock said:


> I assume we haven't heard back from saveme in a while or confirmed if she told hubby or whatever.
> 
> Anyway, what I can add to this, (there is a plethora of both good and (what I consider) bad advice in this thread already), is that it's good there are no kids yet. Makes it much easier to split this or clean up this marriage if they so desire.
> 
> Personally, what bothers me most about the cheating idea isn't the physical part, its the lying about it. Lying about the desire before, lying about what happened after... That's the most damaging part of the whole thing. Sex is one thing, and to some people it's a bigger importance and so on, but the lying really destroys the relationship.
> 
> 
> Some minor history, my first wife had a boob job, went from a's to c's, and it was really nice in many aspects. Clothing fitment, especially dresses, body proportions, giving her more motivation to stay in shape...
> Did she get more compliments after ? yes. Did it lead to guys trying to get into her panties? Yes. Did it bother me? Not at all. But again, I have self esteem and am probably the least jealous person you will ever find, and she handled it well and told me about it.




I quoted this for truth, deception is a slow burning cancer that destroys from the ground up. As I read @Saveme posts it was clear she has thought of little to how this will impact her husband in my opinion. Her worries were about how all this were affect her and her future. @ConanHub addressed much of this in his first post, which is the truth, and @Saveme immediately replied that he was just being mean. Instead of self reflecting like @Saveme should have done, she deflected that post to being mean. It’s not the post that Saveme should say is mean but rather her actions in how she showed her husband that she loves him. 
@Saveme, if you want this marriage you have a lot of work to do. The first is to stand in front of a mirror and embrace your own flaws to become a better human and spouse. This is your first step in becoming a healthier person, self reflection and seeing the harsh truth of your actions will lead you to remorse. I’m glad you feel guilty, but reality is, guilt is still all about you.


----------



## ABHale

Saveme said:


> I am not going to answer all of your questions, but here is what i will tell you.
> 
> Yes, i used protection and I did not do anything i normally don't do with my husband. We did discuss that we were both married and shouldn't be doing this, but it happened anyways. We don't have any kids yet.
> 
> And btw i want to do the right thing, just need time to figure how best to do it.


Thank goodness you don’t have kids. Easier for him to leave cheater that way.


----------



## ABHale

Saveme said:


> Thanks. I want to make this marriage work. I need to believe that i can be forgiven if once he knows. I also hope that he is also not cheating on me.


If he stays in the marriage, I think he should be given the chance to have a fling like yourself. 

If you wanted the marriage to work, you would not have had mine blowing sex with another man. 

Forgiveness and staying with a cheater are two different things. 

Will say this, many of men have stayed with a cheater that have been in long term affair. A few here at TAM.


----------



## ABHale

Saveme said:


> Again i admit that what i did was wrong. I'm trying to make sure our marriage can survive this if i tell him. I do agree with you this he does deserve to know. Just need to find the right timing. Btw, i did not make out with him in front of other colleagues. We were in a lounge with strangers.


What if one of those strangers know your husband?

Hope it’s the case.


----------



## ABHale

Saveme said:


> Hi Everyone ... thanks for your thoughtful words. Appreciate those who are really trying to help me. I hope i can shed some light on why i was insecure and think that my husband might be having an affair. Beyond the workouts, the tan, and new look etc. His behavior has changed. Maybe not to his friends, but its something a wife notices. A distancing of emotion, a subtle lack of interest. Also slight changes in texting behavior, like angling the screen away from my line of sight sometimes. Might be nothing, but i would say its a new behavior. Also, from what i understand about men, they usually don't get fit and change their appearance without trying to woo someone. And i don't feel that he's wooing me. To put this particular point in perspective, it's not that dissimilar to what i read about what Jeff Bezos did. He got ripped and tanned all of the sudden because he was having an affair. If there was not a new flame in his life, then i don't think he would change as much. (i'm just speculating about them, but i use it as he is a very famous and virtually everyone knows that that couple is splitting. Most expensive splitting in history possibly) That's why i think my husband might be cheating. Although i don't have any "hard" evidence as they say. And again this is not to excuse myself in anyway. I'm at fault for what i did. So, i've realized that (some of you were curious) nothing is ever going to perfect. Sometimes life really sucks. But i want to try to make the best of what's left of my marriage. If it doesn't work then i will eventually come to terms with that as an outcome and hopefully move on somehow. But i feel i need to try at the very least before letting everything go. Just for my own dignity, and personal growth.


Still about you. A way to justify your actions.


----------



## GusPolinski

Saveme said:


> Thanks. I want to make this marriage work. *I need to believe that i can be forgiven if once he knows.* I also hope that he is also not cheating on me.


Why?

Telling him is the right thing to do either way — whether or not he forgives you has no bearing on that whatsoever.


----------



## drifting on

Saveme 

I can only hope that by now you have a new perspective of what happened when you made the choice to cheat. Yes your husband deserves to know, and yes, it is only his decision that the marriage continue or end. You saveme, are afterall the person who gave this choice to your husband, and I’ll tell you something else, it’s not a decision he wanted to make. I won’t speak of your husbands alleged cheating, after all it is speculation on your part without hard evidence. 

The position you find yourself in now is not unique or rare, it is common cheating that has been seen time and time again. Your relationship with your affair partner no more uncommon then finding a salt shaker on a dinner table. Sure, in your current position you believe it to be special, but I assure you it’s no more different then a car with a steering wheel. When you realize this your fog will begin to lift. With that will come the true realization that a piece of ass is what you threw a marriage away for. 

A marriage is two people, not three or four, two people who make the best decisions for a marriage to thrive. Did you consult your husband before bedding your coworker? If not, why not? Did you lie about meeting up your coworker? If so, why not? Why would you lie to your husband about meeting with your coworker? Would it be considered a date to you or your husband? You lied about meeting up with your coworker, did you tell your husband this coworker was hitting on you? What should have been your reaction to coworker? What should you have told your husband? Did you ever think that perhaps your husband began to get in shape because of how you imagined yourself before breast augmentation? That perhaps he was viewing himself the way you viewed yourself? Do you think maybe he was doing that for you and himself? 

Posters in this thread have given you great advice, great perspectives, yet each of your posts are still your same selfish self. You deflect instead reflect, you think what is best for you, all of this just selfish. I’m not even sure you have told him, and I even have serious doubts you will. I think you are going to try to instead prove he is cheating, all the while staying secretive about your fling. I’ll give you a hint here, most people who cheat believe their spouse to also be cheating and accuse them of such an act. Sometimes it true, but from what I’ve seen in real life, it was only the cheater who was cheating. So to me you accusing or alleging your husband is pure deflection on your part to me. When will you realize that your actions have killed this marriage, or at the very least, have made this marriage very difficult to go forward?


----------



## EllisRedding

...


----------



## personofinterest

Sadly, I think all this thread did was to give the original poster a really good excuse not to tail and to deflect onto her may be cheating husband.


----------



## EllisRedding

personofinterest said:


> Sadly, I think all this thread did was to give the original poster a really good excuse not to tail and to deflect onto her may be cheating husband.


IDK, the story seemed to be well crafted in how it evolved. Spidey senses tingling, but of course to play by the rules, I won't say anything further.


----------



## snerg

jsmart said:


> I don't know who's more pathetic. *The woman who use surgery to get a quick easy boost instead of working on themselves to naturally improve their looks *or


You need to be a bit more careful with your generalizations. 

So women that have had cancer and had to get a mastectomy to save their lives are pathetic because they chose to get a breast implant instead of working on themselves and building that boob up naturally?

Women that have their breasts balloon up multiple cups during pregnancy and then deflate to the point where augmentation is the only method to repair what nature has done to their body - these women are pathetic too?


I get what you are attempting to say about augmentation, but make sure not to paint too many with that wide brush.


----------



## Wazza

personofinterest said:


> Sadly, I think all this thread did was to give the original poster a really good excuse not to tail and to deflect onto her may be cheating husband.


While there are real problems to be confronted, attacking someone is only going to make them defensive, and I can't see how its constructive.


----------



## Cynthia

We are to assume that the story is true.

Therefore, we know that her husband was cheating and is continuing to cheat, yet she is the one at fault and is ripping her husband's heart out. Really??!! 

I am not condoning any sort of cheating, but what her husband is doing (has done and continues to engage in) is much worse that her foolish one night sexcapade.

This is situation is a lot more complicated than it is being made out to be in this thread, based on what the OP has told us.

I think the OP needs therapy and a divorce.


----------



## uhtred

Has the OP responded after talking to her husband? I hope she is OK.


----------



## jsmart

CynthiaDe said:


> We are to assume that the story is true.
> 
> Therefore, *we know that her husband was cheating and is continuing to cheat, yet she is the one at fault and is ripping her husband's heart out*. Really??!!
> 
> I am not condoning any sort of cheating, but *what her husband is doing (has done and continues to engage in) is much worse that her foolish one night sexcapade*.
> 
> This is situation is a lot more complicated than it is being made out to be in this thread, based on what the OP has told us.
> 
> I think the OP needs therapy and a divorce.


We know her husband is cheating and is continuing to cheat? That was never
confirmed. She found suspicious text. That doesn't mean he was cheating. Possibly trying to cheat, but not confirmed. 

What is confirmed is the OP was having an EA for a few months with hot married co-worker that never glanced her way until she got her boob job. She was full steam ahead when OM finally made his move when they went for drinks after work. Making out in a restaurant and then taking it to a local hotel for passionate sex. All the while telling her husband she was working late. 

So OP has rightly received 2x4s to wake her up but there are quite a few from team womyn that were easing her guilt by telling her that her husband was DEFINITELY cheating and to wait until she had the evidence before she confessed. Now she's ghosted her own thread. Did she confess and now they're working on rebuilding their marriage or did she give in to lust? My money is that she's back to bang hot guy.


----------



## TDSC60

Cake eating in the extreme.


----------



## Cynthia

hahaha If she had come her before she cheated and told us what was going on, almost every single person here would be telling her that he was cheating and how to catch him and now there's some question about it? I call BS. This is ridiculous. Yes. He is clearly cheating on her. That is the root of the problem in their marriage.

This thread is degenerate. I cannot believe some of the crap I'm reading here.


----------



## faithfulman

CynthiaDe said:


> hahaha If she had come her before she cheated and told us what was going on, almost every single person here would be telling her that he was cheating and how to catch him and now there's some question about it? I call BS. This is ridiculous. Yes. He is clearly cheating on her. That is the root of the problem in their marriage.
> 
> This thread is degenerate. I cannot believe some of the crap I'm reading here.


Seriously?

EVERYBODY would have given her advice on how to catch him and suggested actions to take in order to get her life straight and put her husband on notice.


NOBODY would have told her to commence flirting, then to court and **** her coworker, then after that to desperately try to confirm her husband was cheating so she can have ammunition to throw in his face when she takes him to a restaurant to dump the bad news of her ****ing her coworker on him.

Maybe she found out he wasn't cheating or he didn't go anywehere near as far as she did, and that is why she hasn't replied.


----------



## Cynthia

faithfulman said:


> Seriously?
> 
> EVERYBODY would have given her advice on how to catch him and suggested actions to take in order to get her life straight and put her husband on notice.
> 
> 
> NOBODY would have told her to commence flirting, then to court and **** her coworker, then after that to desperately try to confirm her husband was cheating so she can have ammunition to throw in his face when she takes him to a restaurant to dump the bad news of her ****ing her coworker on him.
> 
> Maybe she found out he wasn't cheating or he didn't go anywehere near as far as she did, and that is why she hasn't replied.


Her husband is currently involved in an affair. She may not have caught him in bed, but it is clear that he is having an affair.

If she had come here for advice, she would have been given advice on how to catch him and she probably would never have cheated or even gotten a breast augmentation. But if she did cheat, no one would have blamed this whole thing on her. Yes, it is on her that she cheated. I agree. But that doesn't make it all her fault that the marriage is in the state. Telling him and doing everything she can to make it right by him is only going to make matters worse, because he will still be cheating and that will not be addressed. The whole damn thing has to be resolved, not only the one thing she has done in comparison to all the cheating that he has done.


----------



## faithfulman

I have my own completely unfounded theory: @Saveme husband was suspicious of HER CHEATING with her coworker or somebody else because of HER increasingly suspicious behavior, especially once she got the boob job, and therefore he probably never would have started working out and cheating - which of course is unconfirmed.


----------



## Diana7

We have no evidence that he has cheated but we know she did. So its her responsibility to tell her husband and come clean. She can do the right thing regardless of anything else, or she can carry on lying and deceiving him.


----------



## jsmart

faithfulman said:


> Seriously?
> 
> EVERYBODY would have given her advice on how to catch him and suggested actions to take in order to get her life straight and put her husband on notice.
> 
> 
> *NOBODY would have told her to commence flirting, then to court and **** her coworker, then after that to desperately try to confirm her husband was cheating so she can have ammunition to throw in his face when she takes him to a restaurant to dump the bad news of her ****ing her coworker on him.
> *
> Maybe *she found out* he wasn't cheating or *he didn't go anywehere near as far as she did*, and that is why she hasn't replied.


It did sound like her husband was trying to bust the move on some woman but that doesn't mean he was successful. If she confronted her husband with the evidence she had combined with a confession of having sex with a co-worker, he may have come clean to what he's been up to. 

So maybe they're busy working on restoring the marriage or just busy getting a divorce. Personally I think she ghosted her thread because she's still banging her married co-worker.


----------



## Cynthia

I advocated that @Saveme find out what was going on with her husband before telling him. Now that she knows he's cheating, she needs to have a conversation with him and they need to decide together what they are going to do about the marriage. It takes two to make a healthy marriage and if that's what they want, they will have to work through this together as well as in individual therapy. They are both bringing their personal dysfunctions to the marriage and that has got to be resolved if either of them is to have a healthy marriage.
Two pronged approach:
Work together on marriage problems.
Work individually to improve their characters and teach them how to be people of integrity and honor.



CynthiaDe said:


> What you posted about finding on your husband's phone shows that he is involved with another woman. Based on the other things you posted about his recent behavior, he is obviously cheating on you, so you were right. You then cheated on him, which you are upset about.
> 
> Get into therapy immediately.
> 
> If you want to save the marriage, tell your husband that you know he's cheating and that you cheated as well. If he wants to make it work, you are both going to have to decide to be faithful and work through this together. You will both have to stop lying and be honest and faithful with each other. If he isn't interested, get a divorce and start over. But make sure you get therapy so you don't run to the first interested man for affirmation. Self love and self respect doesn't come from outside. It comes from within. In order to be happy in your life, it is imperative that you learn this and operate from this premise. Otherwise you're going to go through a bunch of dishonest men who are only interested in your boobs and care nothing about you as a person.


----------



## Cynthia

In other words, it's important to get the facts and assess the situation before making a move. Blurting something out and taking all the responsibility to fix a situation that isn't all one person's fault does not work.


----------



## Cynthia

faithfulman said:


> I have my own completely unfounded theory: @Saveme husband was suspicious of HER CHEATING with her coworker or somebody else because of HER increasingly suspicious behavior, especially once she got the boob job, and therefore he probably never would have started working out and cheating - which of course is unconfirmed.


The story she has told doesn't support this theory at all. She got an augmentation because he was ignoring her and she was desperately trying to recapture his attention.


----------



## StillSearching

"I advocated that @Saveme find out what was going on with her husband" 4 words later..." Now that she knows he's cheating" next post "In other words, it's important to get the facts"

LOL!!!
Really?


----------



## personofinterest

Diana7 said:


> We have no evidence that he has cheated but we know she did. So its her responsibility to tell her husband and come clean. She can do the right thing regardless of anything else, or she can carry on lying and deceiving him.


Yes. It is called personal responsibility


----------



## jsmart

She said the boob job was to get her husband's attention and that it really got him all hot for her and improved their sex life but that was not enough. Which is why I don't think she got the boob job to get her husband attention. 

I think her ultimate goal was to get other men's attention to punish her husband or try to get him jealous. A kind of "I'll show him." But she couldn't handle all of the sexual power without abusing her marriage vows.


----------



## faithfulman

CynthiaDe said:


> The story she has told doesn't support this theory at all. She got an augmentation because he was ignoring her and she was desperately trying to recapture his attention.


It is supported as much as this gem is supported:




CynthiaDe said:


> If she had come here for advice, she would have been given advice on how to catch him and *she probably would never have cheated or even gotten a breast augmentation*.


***

"saveme" is a liar and a cheater who is looking to be "saved" from her terrible choices. I would be very careful about accepting her evolving story as pure fact.


----------



## Cynthia

faithfulman said:


> "saveme" is a liar and a cheater who is looking to be "saved" from her terrible choices. I would be very careful about accepting her evolving story as pure fact.


Read the TOS. Unless she is here to ask questions and find out if there are holes in her story, all we have to go by is what she writes. I think her story is believable and I think I understand clearly what happened and why. She said that she found messages on her husband's phone that talked about dates he went on with another woman. Clearly he is cheating. You can believe whatever you want, but to attack her because you think everything she says is a lie is not justified and it's against TOS.


----------



## faithfulman

CynthiaDe said:


> Read the TOS. Unless she is here to ask questions and find out if there are holes in her story, all we have to go by is what she writes. I think her story is believable and I think I understand clearly what happened and why. She said that she found messages on her husband's phone that talked about dates he went on with another woman. Clearly he is cheating. You can believe whatever you want, but to attack her because you think everything she says is a lie is not justified and it's against TOS.


Sigh. You appear to have become saveme's advocate, defending her horrible behavior for some inexplicable reason. 

I have not attacked saveme, she is a liar and a cheater. This is by her own admission.

Feel free to go on making excuses for saveme! Ithink it is within the TOS so you're good.


----------



## Cynthia

faithfulman said:


> Sigh. You appear to have become saveme's advocate, defending her horrible behavior for some inexplicable reason.
> 
> I have not attacked saveme, she is a liar and a cheater. This is by her own admission.
> 
> Feel free to go on making excuses for saveme! Ithink it is within the TOS so you're good.


Seriously? Wow. I have in no way defended her horrible behavior. You, otoh, have literally made things up to cast her as the sole problem in her marriage. Good grief.


----------



## uhtred

OP seems long gone. Hope she isn't in a shallow grave.


----------



## faithfulman

CynthiaDe said:


> Seriously? Wow. I have in no way defended her horrible behavior.


Well...you might have defended her cheating behavior once or three times that I found in 20 seconds...




CynthiaDe said:


> We are to assume that the story is true.
> 
> Therefore, we know that her husband was cheating and is continuing to cheat, yet she is the one at fault and is ripping her husband's heart out. Really??!!
> 
> *I am not condoning any sort of cheating, but what her husband is doing (has done and continues to engage in) is much worse that her foolish one night sexcapade.*





CynthiaDe said:


> hahaha If she had come her before she cheated and told us what was going on, almost every single person here would be telling her that he was cheating and how to catch him and now there's some question about it? I call BS. This is ridiculous. Yes. *He is clearly cheating on her. That is the root of the problem in their marriage.*





CynthiaDe said:


> *If she had come here for advice, she would have been given advice on how to catch him and she probably would never have cheated or even gotten a breast augmentation. But if she did cheat, no one would have blamed this whole thing on her.* Yes, it is on her that she cheated. I agree. But that doesn't make it all her fault that the marriage is in the state. Telling him and doing everything she can to make it right by him is only going to make matters worse, because he will still be cheating and that will not be addressed. The whole damn thing has to be resolved, not only the one thing she has done in comparison to all the cheating that he has done.


You have also made this statement:



CynthiaDe said:


> You, otoh, have literally made things up to cast her as the sole problem in her marriage. Good grief.


Please quote where I did that. And not the post where I offered a theory that I wrote was "completely unfounded" as I was trying (unsuccessfully) to illustrate to you that writing something like "_If she had come here for advice, she would have been given advice on how to catch him and she probably would never have cheated or even gotten a breast augmentation_" was just making stories up.

I have grown tired of this back and forth. You are entitled to your opinion, whatever it is.


----------



## Cynthia

@faithfulman, None of those examples are condoning her behavior.
I am not going back through this thread to argue with you and get examples.

I'm going to unsubscribe from this thread, because I don't think the OP is coming back, so this whole argument is pointless. I do not argue for the sake of argument. My only concern is in helping someone who came here for help.


----------



## NextTimeAround

> Making out in a restaurant


That's one way to mark your territory for the world to see.


----------



## Saveme

Hi Everyone ... this may possibly be my last comment. I just wanted to let you know that my husband and i are separated but not divorced (yet). After a long conversation about our marriage and our problems i told him what happened. It was not pretty, but we opened up to each other (felt like the first time we ever truly did that) and he also admitted that he had been seeing someone he met about 4 months ago. She's an artist a painter and she's young. Alot younger than i am. Want to keep this short .. bottom line is he wants to continue seeing her and so we decided to get separated. Divorce will be a long drawn out matter which may eventually happen. He wants to continue seeing her, and he says for me to go live my life. He moved out last night and now i feel utterly alone. Sad how everything turned out, but c'est la vie right. Thanks again for everyone who supported me.


----------



## Stormguy2018

Sorry to hear that Saveme. You're young, learn from this and move on with your life.


----------



## NobodySpecial

Saveme said:


> Hi Everyone ... this may possibly be my last comment. I just wanted to let you know that my husband and i are separated but not divorced (yet). After a long conversation about our marriage and our problems i told him what happened. It was not pretty, but we opened up to each other (felt like the first time we ever truly did that) and he also admitted that he had been seeing someone he met about 4 months ago. She's an artist a painter and she's young. Alot younger than i am. Want to keep this short .. bottom line is he wants to continue seeing her and so we decided to get separated. Divorce will be a long drawn out matter which may eventually happen. He wants to continue seeing her, and he says for me to go live my life. He moved out last night and now i feel utterly alone. Sad how everything turned out, but c'est la vie right. Thanks again for everyone who supported me.


I wish you the best @Saveme. The journey will be hard. But you WILL get to the other side.


----------



## jsmart

Sorry to hear that things went south for your marriage. Adultery is usually a deal breaker and with both of you having affairs, the desire to save a childless marriage is not really going to be there.

Thankfully with both of you working and no children to fight over, it should make things a lot easier to quickly split your assets and to move forward with your new lives. 

TAM is a wonderful resource for many marital issues, including going through a divorce. I advise that you take advantage of the combined wisdom that's available 24 hours a day. There are TAMers who have walked where you are about to go. Use this site to help guide you through this emotional minefield.


----------



## uhtred

I'm happy to hear you are at least physically OK. I was worried. 

This may en up being for the best for both of you. Maybe you can agree to a equitable divorce. You both had affairs - call it even and try to split as cleanly as you can. Then you can each find someone who is right for you. 






Saveme said:


> Hi Everyone ... this may possibly be my last comment. I just wanted to let you know that my husband and i are separated but not divorced (yet). After a long conversation about our marriage and our problems i told him what happened. It was not pretty, but we opened up to each other (felt like the first time we ever truly did that) and he also admitted that he had been seeing someone he met about 4 months ago. She's an artist a painter and she's young. Alot younger than i am. Want to keep this short .. bottom line is he wants to continue seeing her and so we decided to get separated. Divorce will be a long drawn out matter which may eventually happen. He wants to continue seeing her, and he says for me to go live my life. He moved out last night and now i feel utterly alone. Sad how everything turned out, but c'est la vie right. Thanks again for everyone who supported me.


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## Marc878

Saveme said:


> *He wants to continue seeing her*, and he says for me to go live my life. He moved out last night and now i feel utterly alone. Sad how everything turned out, but c'est la vie right. Thanks again for everyone who supported me.


I would start the D process immediately. 

Not sure what the laws are where you are but it's clear neither of you should stay in this.

Work on you for your next relationship. Marriage shouldn't be taken so lightly.


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## ConanHub

Sorry to hear about how your marriage but you made a very grown up choice to own your actions.

You behaved at least more honorable than your husband in that.


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## Yeswecan

Best of luck.


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## sokillme

Saveme said:


> Hi Everyone ... this may possibly be my last comment. I just wanted to let you know that my husband and i are separated but not divorced (yet). After a long conversation about our marriage and our problems i told him what happened. It was not pretty, but we opened up to each other (felt like the first time we ever truly did that) and he also admitted that he had been seeing someone he met about 4 months ago. She's an artist a painter and she's young. Alot younger than i am. Want to keep this short .. bottom line is he wants to continue seeing her and so we decided to get separated. Divorce will be a long drawn out matter which may eventually happen. He wants to continue seeing her, and he says for me to go live my life. He moved out last night and now i feel utterly alone. Sad how everything turned out, but c'est la vie right. Thanks again for everyone who supported me.


I am sorry this happened to you, but given both of you cheated it's probably for the best. It's important that you get to the bottom of your insecurities though before you move on to a new relationship. You don't want to have all this drama happen again, besides it will put you in a better position in the future to pick a mate.


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## snerg

Saveme said:


> Hi Everyone ... this may possibly be my last comment. I just wanted to let you know that my husband and i are separated but not divorced (yet). After a long conversation about our marriage and our problems i told him what happened. It was not pretty, but we opened up to each other (felt like the first time we ever truly did that) and he also admitted that he had been seeing someone he met about 4 months ago. She's an artist a painter and she's young. Alot younger than i am. Want to keep this short .. bottom line is he wants to continue seeing her and so we decided to get separated. Divorce will be a long drawn out matter which may eventually happen. He wants to continue seeing her, and he says for me to go live my life. He moved out last night and now i feel utterly alone. Sad how everything turned out, but c'est la vie right. Thanks again for everyone who supported me.


Don't disappear.

TAM is an excellent source for helping growth.


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## Satisfied Mind

Gee, I wonder why she intends that to be her last post?

Saveme, TAM is full of incredibly generous and caring people and can be an absolute lifeline to people in moments of terrible need, but that spirit was definitely not on display in your thread. I'm sorry things worked out like they did, but I'm glad that you owned up to your actions and got the truth from your husband, and I hope you have the support you need right now and are able to grow from this really difficult time.


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## Blondilocks

Considering he was cheating for the last 4 months, I'm wondering if he was all broken up over the OP having the most intense sex of her life with the AP. Would be rather hypocritical of him, dontcha think?

So, his new love is a young artist (painter). She's either independently wealthy, still living at home with mommy & daddy or she's found herself a patron of the arts. The OP needs to go through the family finances with a fine-tooth comb and see if sugar daddy has been using family funds to provide financial support as any good patron of the arts would do.


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## jsmart

Blondilocks said:


> Considering *he was cheating for the last 4 months, I'm wondering if he was all broken up over the OP having the most intense sex of her life with the AP*. Would be rather hypocritical of him, dontcha think?
> 
> So, his new love is a young artist (painter). She's either independently wealthy, still living at home with mommy & daddy or she's found herself a patron of the arts. *The OP needs to go through the family finances with a fine-tooth comb and see if sugar daddy has been using family funds to provide financial support* as any good patron of the arts would do.


Sugar daddy? Really? Her husband was working hard on his looks, it could have been what caught the OW's eye. Almost all of the divorced guys that I know in real life, have all remarried or are living with women about 8 to 12 years younger than their ex. None of these guys are in some sugar daddy situations. If anything they're financially tight due to the ridiculous childimony the courts imposed on these guys.

OP said her husband met OW 4 months ago, not that the affair has been going on that long. During that same time frame, OP admitted she was pretty much in an EA with her married co-worker. If she wasn't so preoccupied with her MM, she would have been able to notice and take action over her husband's pulling away. 

I just hope she doesn't go back to F'ing the MM to sooth her broken heart. Her co-worker is not only married but has kids as well. That poor OBS, is probably wondering why her husband has been acting different lately.


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## Diana7

jsmart said:


> Sugar daddy? Really? Her husband was working hard on his looks, it could have been what caught the OW's eye. Almost all of the divorced guys that I know in real life, have all remarried or are living with women about 8 to 12 years younger than their ex. None of these guys are in some sugar daddy situations. If anything they're financially tight due to the ridiculous childimony the courts imposed on these guys.
> 
> OP said her husband met OW 4 months ago, not that the affair has been going on that long. During that same time frame, OP admitted she was pretty much in an EA with her married co-worker. If she wasn't so preoccupied with her MM, she would have been able to notice and take action over her husband's pulling away.
> 
> I just hope she doesn't go back to F'ing the MM to sooth her broken heart. Her co-worker is not only married but has kids as well. That poor OBS, is probably wondering why her husband has been acting different lately.


Most of the men I know who are remarried or in a relationship after a divorce or death are with women of around their own age, including my husband. I hardly see any men ending up with such young women, most have more sense. 
Mostly men who are with much younger women are rich, that's a fact. As for child support, they SHOULD have to pay to support their children.


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## Blondilocks

jsmart said:


> Sugar daddy? Really? Her husband was working hard on his looks, it could have been what caught the OW's eye. Almost all of the divorced guys that I know in real life, have all remarried or are living with women about 8 to 12 years younger than their ex. None of these guys are in some sugar daddy situations. If anything they're financially tight due to the ridiculous childimony the courts imposed on these guys.
> 
> OP said her husband met OW 4 months ago, not that the affair has been going on that long. During that same time frame, OP admitted she was pretty much in an EA with her married co-worker. *If she wasn't so preoccupied with her MM, she would have been able to notice and take action over her husband's pulling away.
> *
> I just hope she doesn't go back to F'ing the MM to sooth her broken heart. Her co-worker is not only married but has kids as well. That poor OBS, is probably wondering why her husband has been acting different lately.


OP also said she suspected he was having an affair because he was emotionally distancing himself, lost interest in her and was hiding his texting from her while at the same time he was working out, losing weight, tanning and buying new clothes. 

He's certainly invested for just having met her 4 months ago. He states that he is going to keep seeing her and he moved out. He may have said he met her 4 months ago but that doesn't mean it's the truth. 

The OP is 29 and her husband is 35 who is dating a girl who is much younger than his wife. 

Now, as to the bolded: Horse puckey!!! Try selling that story to Pollyanna - her phone number is 1-800-get-real. Even the OP's new tits didn't do it for him.


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## rugswept

@Saveme - whatever you do, don't go off with some good looking guy who just took an interest in you because you augmented yourself. you will find nothing there. oh, you might have some really hot sex, that means nothing since it's completely unemotional. you'll find yourself used, self hating and have a feeling of being unwanted, until the next slickster comes by who likes what he sees and he wants to test drive. 

they're in it for the test drive and they're not buying. don't believe the smile, the little caresses or the kibbles. they're all practiced. i remember talking to two men friends in the hall at work. one of them said, i gotta go, "I'm working on one". the "one" would be you if he knew you.


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## jsmart

Blondilocks said:


> OP also said she suspected he was having an affair because he was emotionally distancing himself, lost interest in her and was hiding his texting from her while at the same time he was working out, losing weight, tanning and buying new clothes.
> 
> *He's certainly invested for just having met her 4 months ago. He states that he is going to keep seeing her and he moved out*. He may have said he met her 4 months ago but that doesn't mean it's the truth.
> 
> The OP is 29 and her husband is 35 who is dating a girl who is much younger than his wife.
> 
> Now, as to the bolded: Horse puckey!!! Try selling that story to Pollyanna - her phone number is 1-800-get-real. Even the OP's new tits didn't do it for him.


To learn that your wife was publicly jumping some new guy after a week of lunches is a bit too much for a husband in a childless marriage to forgive especially if he's already seeing another woman. 

I stand by my opinion that her obsession for ego kibbles from hot married co-worker, distracted her from her marriage. A married 35 year old guy is going to have to be on top of his game to get a mid 20s single girl and it usually takes quite a bit of time. If her eyes were on her husband, she may have caught her WH before it escalated.


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## notmyjamie

@Saveme, I'm so sorry to hear this. I certainly hope your husband was not too harsh when hearing your confession considering his own infidelity and desire to continue to see this woman. 

I certainly hope you will reconsider and stick around this forum. There are many good people here and if you learn to take what you need and discard the rest you will feel well supported. 

You are a brave woman to confess to your husband. He is a coward. 

I wish you all the best going forward. *hugs*


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## BluesPower

jsmart said:


> To learn that your wife was publicly jumping some new guy after a week of lunches is a bit too much for a husband in a childless marriage to forgive especially if he's already seeing another woman.
> 
> I stand by my opinion that her obsession for ego kibbles from hot married co-worker, distracted her from her marriage. A married 35 year old guy is going to have to be on top of his game to get a mid 20s single girl and it usually takes quite a bit of time. If her eyes were on her husband, she may have caught her WH before it escalated.


 @jsmart, baby, this is too far even for you. Come on. 

Yes she was wrong for not divorcing him first before she screwed around, no doubt. 

But this guy was prob cheating for way longer than 4 months. 

Either way, they are both screwed up, and they should be apart. 

But to blame her for all of this is kind of silly. She has her share of the blame and so does he...


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## Sports Fan

I would suggest you visit a good Divorce Lawyer and file quickly. 

At some point his much younger girlfriend will get in his ear with thoughts of taking you for everything as she will see an opportunity to have a ready made nice house cars etc.

Get in first and move on with life. I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm sure the whole process has been a steep learning curb.

Best of luck to you.


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## Rubix Cubed

BluesPower said:


> Either way, they are both screwed up, and they should be apart.


 I disagree. They are perfect for each other and should save the rest of humanity from the pain they inflict by staying together.


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## BluesPower

Rubix Cubed said:


> I disagree. They are perfect for each other and should save the rest of humanity from the pain they inflict by staying together.


You may have a good point with this one. If they stayed together, they would not ruin two families. 

But, he is moving on, frankly, if she learns from this she may be a better partner next time, we hope.

It is clear that he was no prize...


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## Talker67

to op, you have to do what is BEST for your hubby. NOT for you. If you think the news will devastate him mortally, then take it to the grave. Telling him just to ease your own conscience would be evil.


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## Mr.Married

Talker67 said:


> to op, you have to do what is BEST for your hubby. NOT for you. If you think the news will devastate him mortally, then take it to the grave. Telling him just to ease your own conscience would be evil.


Reading and comprehension are awesome skills. Checking thread dates isn't a bad skill as well.


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## BruceBanner

Talker67 said:


> to op, you have to do what is BEST for your hubby. NOT for you. If you think the news will devastate him mortally, then take it to the grave. Telling him just to ease your own conscience would be evil.


You don't confess to adultery to ease your own conscience you confess so the BS can determine whether they want to be with an adulterer or not.



Diana7 said:


> Most of the men I know who are remarried or in a relationship after a divorce or death are with women of around their own age, including my husband. I hardly see any men ending up with such young women, most have more sense.
> Mostly men who are with much younger women are rich, that's a fact. As for child support, they SHOULD have to pay to support their children.


Are you implying men who date younger women lack sense?


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