# Criteria for a mutually happy marriage



## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Happiness; we all want it, but we are not sure exactly what it means. This may sound funny, but if you stop to think about it, you will find that it is very true. Everybody wants to be happy, but if you ask someone to define what happiness is you will either get a blank stare or a laundry list of conditions that allow for a happy life.

That second point is critical and I want to investigate it further with you. Most people have a list somewhere in their head that defines their criteria for happiness. At some point in time they asked themselves what has to be true in order for me to be happy and they started a list. I need to be healthy, I need to have a good job, I need to have friends, and I need to have an intimate partner who loves me very much. Even this list of gross level criteria can be broken down into finer detail. There will be criteria for what a good job is, what a good friendship is, and what it means to have a happy intimate relationship.

In other words, we tend to define happiness as a set of conditions, and when the conditions are true we allow ourselves to feel happy. When the conditions are not true, then we are not happy. There are some big problems with this approach.

The first problem is that most of us have a list of conditions that is almost impossible to meet on a consistent basis. There are too many things on the list, and not enough time, money and energy to ensure that they are all met all of the time.

The second major problem is that many of the things on the list are issues that we cannot directly control. This is especially true of our relationships.

Every person has social conditioning that tells them what a happy marriage relationship should be like. They may not be consciously aware of it, but somewhere in their head is a list of expectations that must be met in order for them, to feel that their marriage is healthy and happy. Many of these conditions are perfectly reasonable. It is reasonable to expect that your spouse will be faithful and honest with you.

However, there will also be conditions on your list that are not so cut and dried. These are personal expectations for your spouse that appear to be reasonable, but are difficult to control. The most glaring example that I can think of is sex.

Suppose that a spouse has the expectation that sex should happen at least once a week. They feel strongly that sex is important and that time must be made for it on a regular basis. On the surface this seems like a perfectly reasonable expectation. Sex is important to a healthy marriage, and it should not be difficult to find time for it once a week. The problem with this type of expectation is that it is quite rigid, and if a person decides to take it very seriously then it will lead to problems. 

Every marriage goes through phases where one spouse or the other is not in the mood for intimacy for an extended period of time. Perhaps they are exhausted by work or parenting. Perhaps their physical health is not good. They may be dealing with extreme levels of stress at work, or there may be something straining the marriage itself and preventing the spouse from feeling connected. There are many reasons why a person may experience a drop in sexual desire for a while.

These reasons for not wanting to be sexual are perfectly valid and reasonable. However, when a couple enters into a period of low sexual activity it can trigger one of the conditions for happiness that a spouse has for the marriage. I need sex once a week in order to be happy. Sex is not happening, therefore I am not happy.

When you see it written out like that it is clear that such conditions are far too rigid. A marriage relationship is a complicated living organism. It has many aspects to it; communication, affection, connection, respect, humour, intimacy … and many more. Knowing that a marriage has many dimensions to it, is it reasonable to say that the whole thing is failing just because there is one particular aspect that is not living up to expectations at a point in time?

I should clarify that I am talking about short term issues here. If sex has been absent from a marriage for years then there are serious issues that must be resolved. This is not the kind of trend that I am talking about here. I am referring to short term drops in sex that may be a few weeks or months in duration.

If a person feels strongly that sex is integral to happy marriage then they will feel compelled to address any changes in sexual frequency. This usually means confrontations, negativity and hurt feelings.

There are two important points that I would like to make on this subject.

The first point is that forcing your spouse to be sexual is counterproductive. It is not true that any loving is good loving. If your spouse feels that they are being forced to do it against their will then all you will achieve is to create resentment and negativity around the subject of sex. It works the other way around as well. The spouse that is feeling they have to force will feel the same resentment and negativity.

The second point I would like to make is that most people need to feel a certain level of emotional connection before they will get sexually aroused. No matter how hard you try, you cannot argue a person into loving you, desiring you and wanting to meet your needs. You can only form those types of connections by being positive and loving toward them, and actively meeting their needs. Instead of trying to pull what you want from them, you freely offer what they want, and open the door for them to do the same.

When a couple reaches the point that they are both actively giving what they know their partner wants from the relationship, then the marriage can evolve to a place of incredible mutual happiness. They stop managing a list of conditions for their own happiness, and instead take great joy in knowing that they make their partner happy and vice versa.

Of course, the goal is to eventually let go of the lists all together and just be happy without needing justification. However, it takes baby steps to reach that kind of marriage. Start by choosing one area of your marriage that you know your spouse would like to see improved and make a conscious effort to give more in that area. If you know they want more sexual connection then offer it to them. If you know they want more verbal connection then offer that. Offer whatever you know they need most.

You will probably find that this one small change makes a huge difference. When a person’s greatest needs are being met without a fight then all the fear and negativity that surrounds those subjects fades away and love flows much more strongly.

We should NEVER submit to another person, but to achieve a mutually happy marriage, you each have to submit to the marriage itself. As I have said before, the key word here is MUTUAL.

Warmly,

RDJ


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Happiness comes from within, that much I have learned.

If you are not happy with where YOU are and who YOU are, you'll be chasing happiness forever and always blaming others for not meeting expectations you impose upon them.

Accept your "now" or don't. If you decide it can be helped and made better, then do it. If it can't, then don't. But stop beating the dead horse hoping it turns into a butterfly.

Work towards contentment, not happiness--- which is so fleeting.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Happiness comes from within, that much I have learned.
> 
> If you are not happy with where YOU are and who YOU are, you'll be chasing happiness forever and always blaming others for not meeting expectations you impose upon them.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Wow, incredibly well written.


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## Xusan (Nov 25, 2008)

Love your viewpoint and agree. The Love Dare and The Five Love Languages are helpful with showing people how to love unconditionally. Most situations look impossibly dire, but you are not powerless. Best of luck to all!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Just do everything I say and you and I will be eternally happy. 

Now send me all your money.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

RDJ,
There are lots of reasons why marriages go off the rails. You aren't being considerate/kind and loving to your partner. You aren't able to put their needs first. 

There are also selfish partners who need shock treatment to "wake up" and appreciate you. Giving unconditional love to a selfish partner actually makes the situation worse. 

As for the bit about sex. What comes across from your post is "be nicer/try harder/be patient/have no expectations". 

What is missing here is simple. Where is the LD spouses conscience? The HD partner may want it daily. And yet it is "unfair" that they put the LD partners desire "NOT to have sex" ahead of their desire to have sex, 6 days out of 7. That isn't enough. It has to be 100 percent what the LD partner wants. That is a recipe for disaster over time. It basically means the HD partner just has to suck it up and take whatever scraps they are given. 

How is that healthy?




RDJ said:


> Happiness; we all want it, but we are not sure exactly what it means. This may sound funny, but if you stop to think about it, you will find that it is very true. Everybody wants to be happy, but if you ask someone to define what happiness is you will either get a blank stare or a laundry list of conditions that allow for a happy life.
> 
> That second point is critical and I want to investigate it further with you. Most people have a list somewhere in their head that defines their criteria for happiness. At some point in time they asked themselves what has to be true in order for me to be happy and they started a list. I need to be healthy, I need to have a good job, I need to have friends, and I need to have an intimate partner who loves me very much. Even this list of gross level criteria can be broken down into finer detail. There will be criteria for what a good job is, what a good friendship is, and what it means to have a happy intimate relationship.
> 
> ...


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Mem,

With all due respect, I understand your thoughts and I would agree with you.

Marriages are complex, this was simply one small part of many possible issues and concerns. 

I'm not a therapist, just a guy trying to share some lessons I have learned. 

Warmly,

RDJ


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## kenneth105813 (Oct 2, 2011)

The love is between us , no matter where we are.


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