# I love my husband but can't have sex with him



## dwvega919 (Jul 27, 2017)

As of this month I have been experiencing strong sexual aversions towards my hubby let me give some back story

We have been married 4 years. Which have been rocky. I was sexually abused as a child from age 9-15 approx.

As soon as I left home, I got married to my current husband. Out sex life at first was amazing at least 6-8 times a day we would literally live in the bedroom. We had a 3 month honeymoon phase of just constant sex. After that it wasn't quite as often but still active at least twice a day sometimes only once.

Two years later, I get pregnant which is the beginning of my sexual troubles. It wasn't until after giving birth that the aversions started which at the time thought was completely normal since I just pushed a 8 lb baby out.

Our sex life was never the same after giving birth. He pretty much had to encourage me to do so, but once I did it was great. The relationship has been rocky for 2 years which is why I think our sex has been affected. He's also been working out of town and only home 6 days out of the month. So you can understand the relationship problems that come with long distance, the anger, resentment, hurt, irritation. That also has something to do with it.

But the biggest straw of lately is I became pregnant again but my child did not make it so I was forced to have a procedure to clean my uterus of contents of the embroyo which was traumatic. This happened a month ago and I have been avoiding sex ever since. Just the thought of it literally repulses me and disgusts me but I feel awful for my husband who still deserves to experience sex and pleasure and I am reminded of this constantly. Somehow I associate sex with him with the death of my second child. So I try to avoid anything leading to it. I haven't initiated sex in months.

Before, even when I was not in the mood I would still do my duty of pleasing my husband but now I don't even want that .. I've even gone as far as telling him to go get satisfaction elsewhere just so I won't have to.

Please help, how do I overcome this? and If I can't I'm afraid this would be the end to our relationship as a couple :frown2:


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

My friend you need professional help for this. This is probably some combination of sexual trauma, psychological trauma and hormonal changes since the change to your body. Please go see your primary doctor and tell them what you told us. Also tell your husband that you know it's a problem but you are working on it. Don't give him a free pass unless you are sure that is what you want. I doubt you are thinking in your right mind right now. Please seek help.

You need to change your mindset. The problem is not that you will have to have sex with your husband, it's that something is wrong that needs to be fixed to bring back your desire to want to have sex with your husband. If you see it as having sex is the problem then it is insurmountable. If you see it as there is something preventing what should be a normal desire and you have to fix THAT, then it won't be so overwhelming. 

The way to fix it is NOT figuring out a way you both can live with no sex, it's fixing what is preventing something in you which under normal circumstance would just work. In other words, this is not who you just grew into, there is most likely something wrong that can be fixed.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Perhaps, I am mistaken, but a month seems a bit early to be using the equipment after a miscarriage and any ensuing procedures. I seem to remember we were advised not to have sex for at least six weeks after my wife gave birth. Secondarily, it really sounds as if the birth and everything surrounding it has left you injured and traumatized. Please, by all means, talk to your Dr. They have seen this kind of thing. They know what to do, all you need do it to tell them. Given time and care, I am sure this will be resolved.


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## pbj2016 (May 7, 2017)

Use birth control either him or you (or both). The strong fear of getting pregnant may be killing your desire. 1 month is not long enough to recover from miscarriage. Maybe physically (doubtful) but certainly not emotionally.

ETA: I have no experience with the issues CSA victims face so I am editing my post to say this is what I would say to someone that was not a CSA victim. Obviously the pregnancy could have been a trigger but seek professional help either way.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

@sokillme is right. Get professional help.

Victims of CSA are often highly sexual until two things happen:

1. Marriage. The person who traumatized them was often a "safe" person, such as a relative or family friend. Suddenly the psyche sees the spouse as no longer safe because they are family.

2. The birth of a child. For all of the same reasons as number 1.

You will not navigate this without professional help, and your marriage likely won't last being sexless.

Please seek professional help.


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## CharlizeAngel17 (Jul 27, 2017)

sokillme said:


> My friend you need professional help for this. This is probably some combination of sexual trauma, psychological trauma and hormonal changes since the change to your body. Please go see your primary doctor and tell them what you told us. Also tell your husband that you know it's a problem but you are working on it. Don't give him a free pass unless you are sure that is what you want. I doubt you are thinking in your right mind right now. Please seek help.
> 
> You need to change your mindset. The problem is not that you will have to have sex with your husband, it's that something is wrong that needs to be fixed to bring back your desire to want to have sex with your husband. If you see it as having sex is the problem then it is insurmountable. If you see it as there is something preventing what should be a normal desire and you have to fix THAT, then it won't be so overwhelming.
> 
> The way to fix it is NOT figuring out a way you both can live with no sex, it's fixing what is preventing something in you which under normal circumstance would just work. In other words, this is not who you just grew into, there is most likely something wrong that can be fixed.




DEFINITELY NEEDS PROFESSIONAL HELP! 


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

First, I am sorry for the loss of your child.

Secondly, your story is very typical for a CSA survivor. You need qualified professional trauma therapy. My ex-wife is a CSA survivor and went through the same thing. She never got any help and her aversions only got worse.

We all have our challenges, this is the challenge you have. Try to keep in mind that you are the victim of a twisted criminal. As a child you were not emotionally or mentally mature to deal with the nature of the situation. Your reactions emotionally and the things you are going through now are common, meaning that you are not defective. You are normal.

Figuring this out is not something you can do yourself. Your husband is not your therapist. Your husband can and probably should be involved in the recovery process, but only under the direction of your qualified therapist. BTW, your husband is what is known as a Secondary Survivor. You are the Survivor of the abuse, but he is also affected by it indirectly. He may need some kind of support, too.

I recommend the book "Haunted Marriage", which is cowritten by a couple who were in your position. Both you and he should read it.

Look for a Ph.D. Clinical Psychologist, not a masters level counselor. Look for someone with years of experience treating CSA victims. The sooner you deal with this the better.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

dwvega919 said:


> Before, even when I was not in the mood I would still do my duty of pleasing my husband but now I don't even want that .. I've even gone as far as telling him to go get satisfaction elsewhere just so I won't have to.
> 
> Please help, how do I overcome this? and If I can't I'm afraid this would be the end to our relationship as a couple :frown2:


While others strongly suggest you need professional help, don't let that make you feel as if there is anything wrong with you. Based on your description of what you have been through, your reaction and feelings seem to be that of any normal person. Is is human nature to experience pain and unwanted emotions/feelings. 

It is also human nature to want to be left alone and not ask for help, but that part you will need to overcome and do so with your husband. Understand that he loves you and wants to make you feel loved. The process may be messy, but you will need to trust him and open yourself up to him. The fact that he is not home most of the time may work to your advantage as you can correspond with him from a distance about your feelings and ask for his help. The distance may actually help the two of you communicate and listen to each other as you open up about everything and ask for his help without the fear that he is beside you and needing sex. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

there is no doubt you need professional counseling, mostly for those partially buried abuse issues.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sokillme said:


> My friend you need professional help for this. This is probably some combination of sexual trauma, psychological trauma and hormonal changes since the change to your body.


And don't forget not having a normal marriage anymore, as he is only home 6 days a month. You cannot maintain a loving relationship like that, not without the daily talking, touching, hugging, sharing a cup of coffee, etc. You're going to have to find a way to fix this. You could be videochatting every night, or at least calling every night or morning, sending real letters to his hotel and vice versa, putting love notes in his luggage or slipping little gifts of chocolate or a crossword book or something...little things that keep the love alive.

I don't think you love him any less than you used to, but I think your 'feeling' of love is being strangled through lack of contact. Dr. Harley says that a couple needs to spend 10 to 15 hours a WEEK together without kids/electronics/chores, to stay in love. You're going to have to figure this out.


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## spawn2031 (Jul 19, 2017)

I am so sorry for your loss  having 2 little ones myself and one of them almost not making it, I can only imagine what that felt like. For many reasons, I would definitely encourage seeking professional help. The fact that you told him to go cheat so that you didn't have to take care of him is well beyond normal reactions. Regardless of what has gone on up until now, if you want to save your marriage, I would first make an appt with a professional and then spill the beans to your hubby, exactly what you said here. Whatever you do, DON'T keep him in the dark. I guarantee, if he loves you anything like I love my wife, he is going to be extremely confused and hurt by your reaction but he will be relieved by the fact that you love him enough to seek help. Having the appt made before hand will show that your intentions are serious.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

If you broke your arm, you would not think twice about going to a doctor for treatment and therapy to fix your arm.

You have been no less traumatized by this and seeking professional treatment is the only logical advice we can offer.


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## dwvega919 (Jul 27, 2017)

Thank you all, I'm going to be seeking professional help. And my doctor cleared me for sex 2 weeks after procedure which I'm not sure why. Could have a lot to do with my emotions. Thanks for your input I'll be sharing with my husband later tonight.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

as long as you tell your husband that
1) you recognize there is a problem
and
2) you are on a path to resolve the problem

he will be happy, and support you and wait until you are ready.
good luck


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You have a husband with an obviously super high drive. 6-7 times a day? No sex from you and he chooses to be gone 80% of each month. Sure, he'll be happy and supportive. 


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Definitely professional help. But also cut yourself some slack. When I lost my pregnancy and had a D/C, it was one the more traumatic things I've experienced. It's extremely painful and it feels amazingly invasive. I honestly couldn't go back to that Dr ever again, even though I had been going for years and he did nothing wrong. It was just traumatizing. And yeah, I didn't want sex for quite a while afterwards and I am not CSA survivor, and have a pretty healthy sex drive. I would say it took me a couple of months before I got back to normal and sex felt good again. 
Yes, get yourself some help but don't judge yourself so harshly.


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