# Suggestions on how to work together on the "I don't know" responses



## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

My story is available on this site, so briefly, my wife had an EA/PA with a co-worker which was going on for about a year. I discovered it, blew it up, and now here we are.

This cascaded into some other deep rooted issues and the reality hit me that she has had other EAs since our marriage.

We're trying to move forward, but she can't seem to accept the reality that she's been a serial cheater. I can't stand the "I don't know" response.

Any tips on how we can open these issues up and work on them? We are a couple that never rights, and when our MC asked us where the problems were, we both shrugged. It's effed up, but neither of us could pin point any specific issues. We are attracted to each other, decent sex life, caring, kind, etc. . .

So of course when she tells me she has no sexual interest in her OM, it didn't mean anything, she doesn't know why, I just want to punch all the sheet rock in my house. I feel like if we don't get to the bottom of this, it could happen again, or I'm going to leave.

Perhaps it is as simple as her need for attention. . .but why is she practically going to have sex with a guy she has no interest in? What the hell is going on?

Oh, one more thing, in our tough conversations, she mentioned that in her previous EA (not the most recent), she said to the OM "this has to end because I don't want to lose my marriage". . . and yet she takes things to the next level two years later? I know my doormat attitude didn't help, but understand, I did blow up when I discovered the last EA. I think my wife has a serious attention compulsion that she needs to own up to, and if she can't, I don't know how I can go on with this woman.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Deep down inside she probably has some ideas why she chose her actions. She is more than likely afraid and ashamed to admit them to you or even herself.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

That is 100% true and her therapist told her she needs to admit to herself what happened before she can work with me. Just curious if anyone has read or discovered a way to work together on unearthing really deep issues.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

“Time” and “honesty” is pretty much the answer. Also the willingness to discover the truth about yourself or even your spouse. Many layers can pile up over the years in efforts to mask deeper issues.


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