# Marriage at a crossroads.



## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

So last year I went against the good suggestions of TAM Members, friends and my own intuition and married the woman I was not really in love with as she and I were having a baby. 

One week after we were married I did 3 weeks in a psychiatric unit on the Air Force base where I was stationed. I had been off my meds for a while. I suffer from clinical depression(will likely be discharged from USAF.) she is still a police officer. 

Today, several months past my hospitlization, and, back on medication I feel as I am at a crossroads. I do feel as though I may be falling in love with my wife. Although, I do have my doubts so I try to take it day by day.

We do not fight often, but when we do, they are upsetting to both of us. She will scream and cuss at me. I will become sullen and cold. Neither method is helpful in conflict resolution IMO. She usually cries. I have lied to her about little things, such as not buying toothpaste when I said I did. She was very upset over that. I apologized. 

We are considering marriage counseling. I am also a long time member of NA(narcotics anonymous). She has never been around me high. Neither has she known me when I used to do drugs, mainly acid. I have 12 years clean. 

She has a far higher sex drive than I do. She wants sex daily, I would be happy with once a month.

I know both of us, especially her would be hurt in a divorce, and as I think I may now be falling in love with her I do not know if that is the path to take. I know she loves me.

If we did divorce I know she would meet somebody else. I also doubt I would have a leg to stand on custody wise due to my pretty major mental health conditions.

Anyway I do feel I am at a crossroads and confused about my marriage. I also feel that my wife deserves the best in life as she is a wonderful lady.

Any input would be appreciated. Thanks, Lancaster.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

You know she loves you. You are starting to feel loving feelings for her. You say divorce is bad all the way around. I guess I'm not clear on what your question is, exactly... sounds like time for applause and encouragement, yet you say you're at a crossroads. 

Why? Because you guys get into arguments sometimes? 

My two cents' worth: 

Find a way to be ok with your differences and to appreciate them. 

Find a way to make the relationship more important than the arguments. 

Find a way to remind yourself that depression is your problem, and remind yourself that you have a responsibility for taking care of your health issues so they have the least burdensome impact on your loved ones. 

Find a way to let yourself experience this vulnerability that has you ready to divorce (with no really good reason) and remind yourself that you are strong enough to get through this journey with her.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Couple of thoughts and suggestions.

I think your mental condition might be tricking your feelings about your wife. You have to figure yourself out here, seriously.....but also realize that's not easy.

I see 2 HUGE issues in your relationship right now. I would focus and address it in THIS priority too.

#1 Your wife's sex drive. I don't care if you don't like to have sex, comply and satisfy your wife. Give it to her every day and do whatever it is that she desires. If you don't, you WILL lose her in time.

#2 You guys don't fight fair, clearly. Arguments are just going to happen in any marriage, nature of the beast. Sit down and define "fighting fair rules". When you guys talk or argue please consider some of the following things:
- Never fight when angry - you probably already know this just escalates things and resolves NOTHING. If either of you senses anger, simply walk away and get back at a later time
- no screaming/shouting/yelling
- no name calling
- no ultimatums
etc etc

both of you have to help each other here. The goal here is to get you 2 to a point where you can sit down, talk about WHATEVER and have a mature/adult conversation. This is important for the future of your marriage. 

Write whatever rules you guys decide on and read them daily until your communication improves (and once it does, save them for a rainy day int eh future....you might need it again/a reminder)

Hope that helps and good luck


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

*DoF and Kathy*

Thanks to you both. Kathy I was not really sure what my question was either. I think you were right in that I was looking for encouragement and support. So thanks.

I agree I need to remind myself that I am responsible for my problems. She has been supportive, but ultimately my health problems are my responsibility. I will certainly keep your suggestions in mind.

DoF, I like your ideas, especially the writing of rules down to learn how to fight fair. I agree that my mental health conditions could be playing tricks on me. That was some great insight on your part, thanks.

I also agree that the sex issues could present more of a problem than I am willing to admit. I am considering having my T levels checked as I used to have a high drive. Viagra just gives me headaches.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

lancaster said:


> We do not fight often, but when we do, they are upsetting to both of us. She will scream and cuss at me. I will become sullen and cold. Neither method is helpful in conflict resolution IMO. She usually cries. I have lied to her about little things, such as not buying toothpaste when I said I did. She was very upset over that. I apologized.
> 
> *As the others have said, you need to learn to communicate better. As for the toothpaste, what is up with that? Why lie about it? It seems trivial, but it is the little things that add up over time. If she can't trust you not to lie about something like toothpaste, how is she going to be able to trust you when it comes to something big?*
> 
> ...


It seems to me that you got married with the option of divorce if it didn't work out, now you are rethinking it. Why don't you try just putting that on the back burner while you commit yourself for a while. Try counseling and have the attitude that you are in this for the long haul and see it that doesn't help your confusion.

If you do something that causes an argument again, don't go pout, apologies for it. Validating her feelings and apologizing will go a lonnnnnnnng way.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

JustHer, thanks for the response. I suppose I lied about the toothpaste out of fear of disappointing her as strange as that may seem. Your right about lying. I thought the toothpaste was just a 'white lie' well it was not in her book. I do not think it is lying that bothers her, as she lies to her friends and family. It was the fact that I lied to her.

I agree counseling is going to be important for the both of us.

We talked about sex drive and agree the meds may have quite a big influence.

I did indeed get married with the option of divorce. I will as you suggest put that on the back burner, try counseling and apologies more when we argue. Thanks.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You are aware of the issues and that's a huge step. Just remember that you only control you and not her. Counseling can definitely help.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Had another big blowout yesterday. 

Now, I am overweight with high cholesterol. I have been slowly improving my diet. My SO wanted me to run, I said no, I do not want to. She said that means you do not care about me or the baby. If you cared about us you would run.

I then went to talk to her, and she said, no we(her and the baby) are not talking to you. I then attempted to talk to our son and my wife picked him up and walked off. 

I went for a walk, returned home and said the following; "you can say anything you want, but I do not have to put up with it. I will not be belittled in front of our son. Who are you to say to our child that I do not care about him/love him, or that he cannot speak to me?"

She then screamed go, just leave you loser, go if you do not want to be here. She took the baby upstairs crying and cussing. You remind me of all the loser men in my life she shouted.

I then said she reminded me of an ex(stupid thing of me to say.)

Today we are talking but it is distant and polite. I believe, and tell me if I am wrong, that if she puts me down now in front of our child she will continue to do so as he gets older and is able to understand what we are saying.

I go to IC, she does not. 

I feel at the moment our marriage is getting worse, not better.


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

lancaster said:


> You remind me of all the loser men in my life she shouted.


Whoa.........window into the soul, right there.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

That doesn't sound good or healthy. Is this the kind of woman you see yourself spend rest of your life with?

Something you need to think about and answer for yourself IMO.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

lancaster said:


> Had another big blowout yesterday.
> 
> Now, I am overweight with high cholesterol. I have been slowly improving my diet. My SO wanted me to run, I said no, I do not want to. She said that means you do not care about me or the baby. If you cared about us you would run.
> 
> ...


When you said no to running, she took that to mean you are not interested in improving your overall health. Both of you need to learn to communicate and LISTEN to each other better.

When you came back from your walk, you made a scene and spectacle about how you were treated in front of your son. Again, poor communication and listening skills at work...

When you both provoke each other, it escalates into angry, hurtful words neither of you can take back after the fight is over. Hurling insults at each other is a horrible way to get your points across.

Time out, guys.

She's concerned about your health. Acknowledge that and ask her for help putting together a plan you can stick with. You, and only you can lose weight and improve your overall health. Don't dismiss her concerns so easily....

Learn to curb those off-the-cuff remarks solely aimed to jab at each other. It doesn't't feel good to be on either side of insults. Learn safe communication. Not always will you see eye to eye and learning to respect each other's opinion goes a long way.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Changed that is a good point. I think it is too.

DoF no, this is not somebody I can see spending the rest of my life with. Not like this. 

A friend of mine said last night that it would be easier on the baby to leave and set up visitation, child support and custody rights hat it would be a year or more from now.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Revamped thanks for the insight. That was a well thought out response.

I forgot to say I have been improving my diet and I walk everyday, which I reminded her of. I did say I am not on her schedule though.

When I reminded her of what I have been doing she said nothing at all.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

As an USAF vet, I remember the PT tests every year, either timed running the mile and a half or the three mile walk. Are you within the regulation time limits?

Also, are you on admin restriction for your weight? The three pounds a month weight loss to maintain stripes...


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Revamped said:


> As an USAF vet, I remember the PT tests every year, either timed running the mile and a half or the three mile walk. Are you within the regulation time limits?
> 
> Also, are you on admin restriction for your weight? The three pounds a month weight loss to maintain stripes...



I was just medically discharged for mental health reasons. But yes I was on restriction. When they told me they were medically retiring me, despite my objections, I was pretty much done. During the medical retirement process they would not let me participate in PT Incase I injured myself more. For most of my career I was I. Excellent physical condition. Over the discharge process I put on almost 25 pounds. I have lost 6 of those just by walking and quitting Burger King and mcdonalds.

I should also state I was flagged for promotion and military schooling as soon as the medical discharge process began,that annoyed me considering I was at the top of the promotion list. So the weight thing did not really do much to stymie my career that the medical retirement had already done.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Wow, congrats on Will Power!

Do you take the baby on your walks? Just some father-son time and a break for mommy?


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Thanks Revamped. Sometimes just my son, sometimes mom comes too. Today was just me and my son.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

What I find interesting is....

You got involuntarily removed from active duty and struggling with health issues and the first thought you have is to push your wife away. Seems to me, she could be your support system if you allow her....


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

That is true. That is one of my character defects, I push people away. I think that is part of the problem here with my wife.

I do not know if you have read my other threads or not. I definitely have a lot of issues. I think my wife does get frustrated that I am so closed off. 

She has many good qualities to be sure, but she also has a nasty temper which she admits to, but is not interested in counseling or anger management. The problems she says are mine. I agree I do have faults, but I say if she seeks support then she may have an easier time dealing with me.

I am a big believer in 12 step programs and go to NA. She will not even attend NarAnon nor ALANON, despite believing they could help her.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Then bring home your version of the program. It can initiate some good old fashioned discussion about your pasts, your present situations and your futures.

I'm not saying become her sponsor, but it can lead to a dialog that you both learn about yourselves and each other.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

lancaster said:


> I was just medically discharged for mental health reasons. But yes I was on restriction. When they told me they were medically retiring me, despite my objections, I was pretty much done. During the medical retirement process they would not let me participate in PT Incase I injured myself more. For most of my career I was I. Excellent physical condition. Over the discharge process I put on almost 25 pounds. I have lost 6 of those just by walking and quitting Burger King and mcdonalds.
> 
> I should also state I was flagged for promotion and military schooling as soon as the medical discharge process began,that annoyed me considering I was at the top of the promotion list. So the weight thing did not really do much to stymie my career that the medical retirement had already done.


What happened in the past, leave in the past (don't even think about it). What really matters is what you do going forward!!!


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Revamped we did that lastnight to a large extent. We talked a lot. Seemed like a lot of cross communication.

DoF leaving stuff in the past is something I need to work on a lot, not just with my wife, but relationships in general.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

lancaster said:


> Revamped we did that lastnight to a large extent. We talked a lot. Seemed like a lot of cross communication.
> 
> DoF leaving stuff in the past is something I need to work on a lot, not just with my wife, but relationships in general.


:smthumbup:

First step of solving ANY issue is identifying it as an issue.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

So I am really terrible at answering my mobile phone. Today my wife said my actions demonstrate that I do not care about her or our son. She the said she does not know if I am having an affair or not. I offered to go to her police station and take a polygraph. She was not interested in that offer. She does not feel good about the state of our marriage. 

She said she no longer trusts me. I feel as though marriage will end, it is just a matter of time.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Have you ever given her a reason to think you'd might cheat?

Or is this her way of pushing you away so she can emotionally divorce you before it actually happens?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

dude you got her knocked up, and consciously decided to marry her. End of story. Tough it out.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Revamped, no, never. However, I think she has been thinking that I have been cheating in the back if her mind for a while.

I think she is pushing, but I likely am too.

Murphy, thanks for your opinion, although I do not think that is going to happen. Bad marriage is not good for kids.


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