# How to regain trust?



## MelodyFlag (Oct 27, 2015)

Hello Everyone, a few months ago I made a couple of threads here where I received a lot of interesting points of view and advice. I'm going to edit some links in here if I can figure out how to copy and paste from my phone, so you have the back story!

There's some things I'm really happy to say have changed since then. I quit drinking, my financial problems are in order, im in my dream job and (as per all your advice in my last thread!) I kept my mother out of trying to help with my marriage!

I talked things out with the H and it honestly meant the world to me that all those things I was scared to tell him and hid, he said I could have come to him with. He said he still loved me and would support me.

Then he had some holiday time he needed to use up so he went abroad to visit his family and friends. I usually accompany him on these trips but this time I was too busy with my new job. While he was there something dreadful happened. My little sister died in horrible and complicated circumstances. A week after her funeral he said "we need to talk" and said "look you need to regain my trust as I still worry, I know you're trying and youre going through a difficult time but I think in six months if I still don't feel I can trust you we might have to let this go"

Are there practical things I can be doing to regain trust? I thought I was already doing everything I can but perhaps there's something I missed. You all did really help last time so I appreciate any advice guys! I'm fighting to be a strong wife!


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

In what way does he not trust you? That is, what does he think you are doing or have done that makes you untrustworthy? I'm not seeing this in your post.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I read your back posts. He seems hard to please, very demanding.

Melody, I would let him go. There are much easier men to deal with out there. 

You will be okay on your own now. Congrats on all the work you have done!

And I am so sorry about your sister.


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## MelodyFlag (Oct 27, 2015)

Sorry I'm still trying to find the previous links that explain a bit more! Basically we've been married nearly 9 years. About 2 years ago I came into financial issues, i began to struggle with depression, I began drinking too much from the stress. I was too ashamed to tell him what was going on. But a few months ago it all came out. I've made all the changes I needed to but he's saying he still doesn't trust that I might be hiding problems from him.. As he knows the hidden issues are resolved, I'm wondering how else I can regain trust. Im wondering is it just a matter of time or is there maybe more I can do to show him I'm not gonna struggle alone anymore? That I know I can go to him if something happens!


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## MelodyFlag (Oct 27, 2015)

Thank you jld for your condolences. I hope I could be okay on my own. That actually made me cry a little about him being hard to please. I feel that way. but I really wanted it to work especially now I really need him.... But maybe I did all I could


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

MelodyFlag said:


> Thank you jld for your condolences. I hope I could be okay on my own. That actually made me cry a little about him being hard to please. I feel that way. but I really wanted it to work especially now I really need him.... But maybe I did all I could


Melody, trust takes time. You can talk abut actions are greater than words.

Will you still drink? Will you go back to creating financial issues?

This is the kind of thing that you need discussions with your husband. Tell him you want to work on things and doing everything you can.

You don't need to be a doormat but remember, broken trust is far harder to regain than the initial trust.


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## MelodyFlag (Oct 27, 2015)

I'm not drinking and I don't want to. The thought of it makes me I'll to think of the damage. He knows I'm not drinking and we are organised with my finances now. But I can understand his concerns. All I can show him is what I'm doing. 

I think whats worrying me is I know it will take time and I'm not sure if six months is enough. Or maybe it is and I'm worrying needlessly!


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Don't drink and run a credit report every month for a while if this financial thing was serious.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

anonmd said:


> Don't drink and run a credit report every month for a while if this financial thing was serious.


While the intent of your post is good, checking a credit report that often will cause a lowering of your credit score.

Anything more than the free once or twice a year credit checks can be counted against you as dumb as it may sound.


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## MelodyFlag (Oct 27, 2015)

Debt was about $3000, he earns a lot so that moneys not a big deal to him (he could pay it immediately). But as its my mistake I'm paying it off myself. My job though I love it, doesn't pay well so it'll take me some time. I just show him proof of my payments


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Counselling. Couple's and individual.

That will help you both to work out where you are where you think you are and where you should be.

It can also help to rebuild trust.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

jdawg2015 said:


> While the intent of your post is good, checking a credit report that often will cause a lowering of your credit score.
> 
> Anything more than the free once or twice a year credit checks can be counted against you as dumb as it may sound.


Checking your own credit report will not affect your credit rating or score.

BTW, I used to work for one of the "big three" credit reporting agencies, so I know how it works.


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## MelodyFlag (Oct 27, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Counselling. Couple's and individual.
> 
> That will help you both to work out where you are where you think you are and where you should be.
> 
> ...


I'm in counselling! he has now told me he will do marriage counseling with me (he refused when i bought it up a few months ago) but he said he won't follow suggestions he doesn't agree with


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

jdawg2015 said:


> While the intent of your post is good, checking a credit report that often will cause a lowering of your credit score.
> 
> Anything more than the free once or twice a year credit checks can be counted against you as dumb as it may sound.


No it will not, you are incorrect. 

Hard queries by new creditors count against you, your own report checking absolutely does not, at least in the USA.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The truth always matters. 

Marriage is for two. No one likes surprises. Working together on issues/problems will make a marriage stronger. 

Hiding, denying and lying destroys trust. Whereas talking, bringing up issues or asking for help with a problem builds it.

Trust is the cornerstone on which all GOOD marriages are built on.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

technovelist said:


> Checking your own credit report will not affect your credit rating or score.
> 
> BTW, I used to work for one of the "big three" credit reporting agencies, so I know how it works.


Noted, thanks for the info


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## MelodyFlag (Oct 27, 2015)

I totally agree Marc. I want to go back and shake myself.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

MelodyFlag said:


> I'm in counselling! he has now told me he will do marriage counseling with me (he refused when i bought it up a few months ago) but he said he won't follow suggestions he doesn't agree with


Being willing to go to counseling with you is a good sign. He wants the marriage to work. Hopefully when he gets in counseling with you, he will relax and be open to reasonable suggestions.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

[QUOTE=MelodyFlag;14693634]I totally agree Marc. I want to go back and shake myself.[/QUOTE]

There's nothing that bad that you can't ask for his help or opinion on.

You probably just magnify it in your own mind. It's not the problem that's an issue its how you handle it. It's just good communication.

Once you figure it out its so very simple. 

You'll be fine. Don't worry just be open.


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## MelodyFlag (Oct 27, 2015)

I thought so too but know I feel confused. He has told me that he when he initially talked about he wanted the marriage to work, that was before he got outside advice when he was on holiday. A friend has told him its too late once trust is broken. He said he's giving me the six months because he still does hope but he said "statistically" it looks like it won't work

We had come so far and now he's nearly given up due to a friend (whos 34 and never even had a girlfriend) saying this?? 

I'm just in shock that this is the reason everything we worked through is coming undone):


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

MelodyFlag said:


> I thought so too but know I feel confused. He has told me that he when he initially talked about he wanted the marriage to work, that was before he got outside advice when he was on holiday. A friend has told him its too late once trust is broken. He said he's giving me the six months because he still does hope but he said "statistically" it looks like it won't work
> 
> We had come so far and now he's nearly given up due to a friend (whos 34 and never even had a girlfriend) saying this??
> 
> I'm just in shock that this is the reason everything we worked through is coming undone):


If he's that stupid then you aren't losing much are you?

I doubt that's the case he's probably just puffed up a bit.

I expect that will cool off


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## Someadviceplease (Jul 10, 2017)

Why is he making you work so hard, saying he doesn't trust you. Why are you struggling alone. Why isn't he being a supportive husband, standing by you and working hard to help you?


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