# Update



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

So I thought I'd give an update on DH and I. Things have been rocky, but I think we've begun to turn a corner. I was doing a piss poor job at being a good wife for a bit. I was feeling defensive and vulnerable and started putting up walls which made it impossible for his efforts to really mean something to me. We had some fights, followed by some really good talks, and I'm talking more proactive and intentional strides towards meeting his needs. 

I found a letter he wrote out to vent his feelings...wish I hadn't read it. But it helped bring us closer because, for the first time in a very long time, I was able to feel what he was feeling and understand it. He doesn't show anger, sadness, disappointment...and it makes it annoying because I feel like I could walk all over him and he'd just allow it. Now I know he won't. And I'm relieved. 

This week started bad, but it's getting oh so much better. He sent me the best email _ever_ yesterday. It touched me deeply. He also had flowers sent to my work for me, which left my cheeks in pain cause I was smiling so much. 

In all of this I've realized that I don't like feeling vulnerable and I often, unconsciously, start fights to defend myself when I don't need to defend myself. So I'm trying to rewire my habits, hold my tongue, not offer my advice all the time because he doesn't have to do things my way...I don't have to be in control to be emotionally safe, essentially. It's a tough lesson, and it's a hard thing to change, but I'm trying. 

Anyway, I thought I'd give an update.


----------



## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

YES!! Let your walls down. My H was the same way. He would be on the defense all the time, everything good or bad was viewed suspicously. It created allot of unessary drama. I'm impressed that you realized this about yourself. Now work hard on catching those unfounded thoughts before you take action. Your life will be allot less stressful.


----------



## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> In all of this I've realized that I don't like feeling vulnerable and I often, unconsciously, start fights to defend myself when I don't need to defend myself. So I'm trying to rewire my habits, hold my tongue, not offer my advice all the time because he doesn't have to do things my way...I don't have to be in control to be emotionally safe, essentially. It's a tough lesson, and it's a hard thing to change, but I'm trying.



Did you read _How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It_ by Steven Stosny Ph.d and Patricia Edd Love? That paragraph could be lifted from it.


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

tracyishere said:


> YES!! Let your walls down. My H was the same way. He would be on the defense all the time, everything good or bad was viewed suspicously. It created allot of unessary drama. I'm impressed that you realized this about yourself. Now work hard on catching those unfounded thoughts before you take action. Your life will be allot less stressful.


I'm seeing that too. When I'm on the defensive it creates so much drama! When I choose not to be so defensive, as if I'm expecting all hell to break loose all the time, everything is just fine. His efforts to meet my needs actually get through to me, whereas they weren't always.

I can tell he's more relaxed now, as well. And his job is already stressful enough, I don't want his time with me to be stressful too.


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

CharlieParker said:


> Did you read _How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It_ by Steven Stosny Ph.d and Patricia Edd Love? That paragraph could be lifted from it.


No I didn't...haven't heard of it, even. There's another book I have to get too, but I should add this one to my list. I need all the help I can get right now. lol.


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I don't know your story so I can't comment much on your defensiveness but I am curious to know why you wish you hadn't read the letter. 

Would you ask your H to send me a great email, too? Mine has only sent one moving email ever. :'(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

clipclop2 said:


> I don't know your story so I can't comment much on your defensiveness but I am curious to know why you wish you hadn't read the letter.


He didn't intend for me to ready it. It was an attempt to vent out all of his negative feelings, and as a result, there were some _very_ harsh things said. Things I know he'd never say to my face, things I know in my head he didn't mean, but they hurt all the same. They hurt a lot, actually. In the letter he called me a few names that I won't repeat(they weren't curse words but, after what he wrote, I wish that's what they were), made me out to be a selfish, self-centered user who could care less about his existence...it wasn't fun to read.



> Would you ask your H to send me a great email, too? Mine has only sent one moving email ever. :'(
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 I'm sorry. I've had to repeatedly communicate to him how important it is for me to get loving emails, texts, phone calls, love letters, etc. It's not something that comes naturally to him, so it's been a journey to help him see how important it is to me.


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I am sorry to hear hours words were so harsh but it sounds like it will be positive in the long run. Trying to get My H to own up is impossible so at least you have a better understanding of yours. 

My husband is clearly unwilling to try to share emotions except when I complain. Then he acts like he doesn't know what I want from him no many times I spell it out. It is so frustrating. So after a few rounds of him being dishonest I get stop seriously angry. He stomps off and then either comes back with something along the lines of sharing or he is totally silent on the entire incident. He rarely comes back with anything for days. 

I need words like you do. I need to feel connected to him. This kind of thing is why EAs are so lucky prevalent. How much can you beg for something? And then it feels worthless if you only get something because you got angry or upset. 

My husband so word is impeccable at work. At home... sigh. 

I don't know why you have been defensive but I think you are self aware and stumbling on his true feelings gives you a chance to evaluate things as they are instead of having to interpret. women tend to be pretty good at that but if the guy denies his feelings it is hard to argue so you get stuck between what you know and what they say. 

I hope you can get something good out of this. In a crazy way I am envious.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

This keyboard may be as frustrating as speech to text. It corrected so many words that I still look like an idiot!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

clipclop2 said:


> I am sorry to hear hours words were so harsh but it sounds like it will be positive in the long run. Trying to get My H to own up is impossible so at least you have a better understanding of yours.
> 
> My husband is clearly unwilling to try to share emotions except when I complain. Then he acts like he doesn't know what I want from him no many times I spell it out. It is so frustrating. So after a few rounds of him being dishonest I get stop seriously angry. He stomps off and then either comes back with something along the lines of sharing or he is totally silent on the entire incident. He rarely comes back with anything for days.


My husband has been similar to this. One thing I learned is that, when expressing my needs, even if I feel like I'm being clear and concise, it doesn't mean that he understands what I need. I had to learn to identify when and if I was being ambiguous. 

Example: I would tell him that I needed more romance, but without explaining what I thought was romantic, it gave him very little to go on. Even when I said, "Like a love letter", it didn't give him what the content of the letter should be. To me it seemed pretty obvious: write a letter explaining how much you love me. But to him, it was too open ended...it left too much room for him to mess it up. He wanted me to be thrilled with it, so instead of trying on his own and risking the chance for failure, he chose not to try at all. 

I had to learn to give him detailed instructions on what kinds of things I found romantic, what kinds of words I needed. I still have to sometimes. So, don't give up. It can be difficult for men like ours to articulate feelings that are unpleasant. 



> I need words like you do. I need to feel connected to him. This kind of thing is why EAs are so lucky prevalent. How much can you beg for something? And then it feels worthless if you only get something because you got angry or upset.


From my experience _how_ you communicate what you need makes all the difference. If DH feels like I'm setting him up to be attacked or argued with, he'll shut down. He has to be free to be honest without getting punished for his honesty. 

Something that has helped us in the past is meeting once a week to discuss how we each did with meeting each others emotional needs. It was a judgment-free zone where we talked about what was great, what was good, and what was lacking, and then we make sure the other understands what we need. For me, he would say he liked massages. I didn't know he wanted them multiple times a week. So I would think, 'I gave him a massage this week...I bet I did good!', and come to find out, he felt it was lacking. 



> My husband so word is impeccable at work. At home... sigh.


Oh my gosh, we could be twins. This was one of my biggest complaints...how he tries so hard at work, and it felt like he was slacking at home. I had to accept that he needs his alone time...time where he can unwind and relax before taking on yet another responsibility. If that responsibility brings up negative connotations, he's not going to want to do it. He'll probably avoid it. 

So, now, instead of saying, "You didn't say anything admiring to me today", I'll ask "Is tomorrow a text/email day, or is it a 'say the nice things in person' day?" I won't bring up the failure/forgetfulness, I'll only mention the opportunity for success. Turns out, he does notice when he forgets to give me admiration, and plans accordingly to make the next day extra special. And, of course, there's no such thing as too much affection, so any time he touches me in a loving way, he knows he's speaking to me too. Giving alternative means of showing you love is important; helps my husband feel like he has more than one option. If he slacks on one, he can make up for it with the other. 



> I don't know why you have been defensive but I think you are self aware and stumbling on his true feelings gives you a chance to evaluate things as they are instead of having to interpret. women tend to be pretty good at that but if the guy denies his feelings it is hard to argue so you get stuck between what you know and what they say.


I hear you. It's been a tough journey. Have you read _His Needs, Her Needs_ and _Love Busters_? Those books really helped my husband and I understand what our needs are, how to meet them, and how to stop doing the things that hurt each other.



> I hope you can get something good out of this. In a crazy way I am envious.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not too late. The road to understanding is a tough one, and it takes time, sacrifice and patience.


----------



## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I have found through my experience the more acts of love, appreciation and affection I provide (without expectation of something in return), the more I do end up receiving.

You have to learn to do things for one another because you want to, not because you have to.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Created2Write said:


> I found a letter he wrote out to vent his feelings...wish I hadn't read it. But it helped bring us closer because, for the first time in a very long time, I was able to feel what he was feeling and understand it.* He doesn't show anger, sadness, disappointment*...and it makes it annoying because I feel like I could walk all over him and he'd just allow it. Now I know he won't. And I'm relieved. *....*
> 
> He didn't intend for me to ready it. It was an attempt to vent out all of his negative feelings, and as a result, there were some very harsh things said. Things I know he'd never say to my face, things I know in my head he didn't mean, but they hurt all the same. They hurt a lot, actually. In the letter he called me a few names that I won't repeat(they weren't curse words but, after what he wrote, I wish that's what they were), made me out to be a selfish, self-centered user who could care less about his existence...it wasn't fun to read.


 Just curious of something....when you and him do fight... has he come *anywhere similar *to expressing how/what he unleashed in that letter you found? .... or is the case....he always shuts down before it goes there..(sounds like it since you said he doesn't show anger, disappointment - sadness)......so he never has to say he is sorry for his words....or anything.... so basically he is bottling his feelings...not wanting to hurt you... but yet... *he's * taking the hurt upon himself...which ultimately led him to unleash in that letter... 

I'm guessing if he always shuts down, THIS in itself causes YOU to react in the way you do... which escalates the very behaviors he wrote about! 

If he did show , disappointment, etc....when he was feeling it... would you invite this....I mean ALL OF IT.. the nasty, the harsh? or do you feel it would be harder to forgive the words said in a moment ? I have found some people feel it's better to NEVER utter a bad word -so they never have to ask for forgiveness... 

I'm not suggesting this book or anything... ..The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: ....but in the write up on amazon.....it said 



> *He also reveals surprising facts about couples who stay together. They DO engage in screaming matches. *And they certainly don't resolve every problem.


 ..Probably has a whole chapter on that.. an interesting read.


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Exactly, SA. You're spot on. 

And I would welcome all of it. I've felt like he's a robot sometimes! He won't tell me when I've crossed the line until I've gone too far, and then it's always a calm "Don't yell at me please" and it's infuriating. I want to know he has feelings, even if the response is that he thinks I think I'm the Queen of the universe and just want to take and take and not give back in return. I'd take that over the eerie refusal not to show negativity. It would show me that what I do and see really do matter to him.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Created2Write said:


> Exactly, SA. You're spot on.
> 
> And I would welcome all of it. I've felt like he's a robot sometimes! He won't tell me when I've crossed the line until I've gone too far, and then it's always a calm "Don't yell at me please" and it's infuriating. I want to know he has feelings, even if the response is that he thinks I think I'm the Queen of the universe and just want to take and take and not give back in return. I'd take that over the eerie refusal not to show negativity. It would show me that what I do and see really do matter to him.


Just to let you know.... I "get" you... I'd feel exactly the same.... give me a heartfelt "smoke coming out the ears"- Lay it on ME BRAWL any day over "emotional withdrawal".....that would fire me up more so. 

I found this link.. some of the questions on this page...the answers may give you some new insight.... 



> Communication and Conflict
> 
> *What do you do with a husband who refuses to discuss problems or work on the relationship?*
> 
> ...


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Okay, so this email was just sent to me by DH and me smile so big, I just had to share it. 

"Just got out of the crane inspections for the week!!!!!!!

YAYYYY!!!!!! Back to my girl sooner AND don’t have to work the weekend!!!!!



Love you girl!

I miss you seriously! I haven’t seen enough of my number 1 lately!

Too much time keeps getting occupied by my numbers 4 and 7!



Although I DO love it having you read GREAT books out to me.





You are such a unique and special girl! Why do you think I had to steal you away so quickly?!



Of course that could also pertain to me not being able to keep my hands off of you….

Just sayin.



Jason"

I love my man.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

swoon!


----------



## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

What a pleasant read....

--Wishing all the best for both of you


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Yeah, that's what I did. He's getting it good tonight.


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Thanks!


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

So, DH still hasn't heard anything about the raise. He's supposed to sometime this week. He's been working at least ten hour days since he was promoted, and often twelve hour days. I hope he gets a raise. He's doing three jobs at once. He did get a permanent company vehicle, which is really nice. He's saving a lot of money on gas and wear and tear. But still.


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

So, he heard back about the raise. They want him to go to salary, instead of hourly, and they offered him $60,000.00 a year. 

I am in shock.


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Thanks! I'm so proud of him! For the first time since we were married, we're going to be financially prosperous, instead of living check to check.


----------



## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Congrats. 

Start saving for retirement NOW. Starting early makes HUGE difference.


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

That's been his goal...to earn enough to save for retirement.


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Awesome! Congrats to him!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> Thanks! I'm so proud of him! For the first time since we were married, we're going to be financially prosperous, instead of living check to check.


That's GREAT! Congratulations! 

Now think about putting only a small portion of the raise into your spending money pool and don't touch the rest. You will be on your way to living below your means and build a nest egg. 

Disclaimer: it ticked me off when my H insisted we do this for every raise we got.


----------



## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Congrats!


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

That's awesome, lady!


----------

