# Violent Sex



## Goodgirl87 (Dec 23, 2011)

Hello all

Let me start by saying, I love my husband very much and I know he loves me. My husband is very kind, supportive, loving and protective. He is a wonderful "father" to my two sons from a previous relationship.

I am very confused about our sex life. He likes rough sex, to the extreme and it is mostly this way. Name calling, spitting, hitting, biting, choking to the extent that I am often badly bruised, I would go so far as to say beaten and very sore, so then he takes care of me. It seems to me, the more pain I am in, the more excited he gets, and the more violent he gets.

I don't understand why he likes sex like this. If we have an argument he never hits me, in fact he is very over protective in every other instance. We are both 25 and have been married for a year.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Given how young he is, he is likely taking his cues from porn. He watches violent porn, assumes the women are having fun, and then recreates what he sees at home.

If you're not enjoying yourself, you have to tell him. If you're letting him believe that you're enjoying yourself, how can he be expected to stop? You can either be honest and direct in a conversation, or the next time you're having sex, punch him in the testicles to even things out a bit. If he balks because it hurts, you have a perfect opening to discuss your discomfort.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

The missus and I have violent sex from time to time but your husband seems to take it to the next extreme. Have you discussed your boundaries with him?


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I agree with PHT, its likely coming from porn. Porn can have a real influence/impact on some people, and sometimes not in a good way. 

he does sounds like a overall good person, and caring, BUT I do think if you do not care for this, you need to tell him how you feel. There is absolutely no reason why you or anyone should continue to subject themselves to this type of behavior. 

Also even though he isn't abusive or hits you if he were to get mad etc, he is still being abusive to you in the sexual/physical sense. You did say he leaves bruises.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Don't do anything you're not comfortable with and enjoying. 

You need to tell him your thoughts and feelings, and given that you've said he is an otherwise good guy, I would venture to say a compromise can be sought.

This kind of thing makes me very uncomfortable, though. To the point of bruising seems abusive and excessive, and I would wonder why anyone would get off on that...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I think you need to have a heart to heart with him. 
I think if you tell him how you feel, and then if he doesn't stop, then he likely has a problem. 

Its one thing to have a little rough sex sometimes, but what you are describing sounds like abuse to me. You used the words, "beaten and bruised". Thats abuse IMO. 

I think its great he is a good father/husband, but there are many people who are good fathers/husbands and good people in general, doesn't mean they don't have some kind of issue that needs to be addressed.

Don't excuse the unexcuseble just because he is a good person in other areas.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

ALL OF THIS ^

sounds like one day you may end up with lots more that just bruising.
im sure you dont want that.
i dont understand how a man could do things like that to someone he loves, especially that far.
i have a hard time even doing mild things like that with someone i love although i have done some but i would never even try to go to the extremes you are talking about.
you need to talk and get things figured out before it gets too dangerous.
does he watch this type of porn?
i think it all has a negative effect on people to some degree and a very bad negative effect on some.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This wouldn't work for me.

You say you don't understand why he likes this-- have you asked him? 

I like sex to be pleasureable and enjoyable. Doesn't sound like that is the case w/ you.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

How do you react to this? For you to engage in something this extreme, you really need to be into it also. You might be able to compromise on some aspects of a fetish but getting beaten to the point of serious bruising where you need to be taken care of afterwards is not something to do just for him.

I'm not an expert on this stuff (really) but what you are talking about seems to be different from S&M where pain is involved but it's not violent beating. I would be concerned about a dark side of a man that involves inflicting pain through beating and your description of the escalating violence as you suffer more should sound alarm bells for you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You husband is physically abusing you and you are allowing it under the guise of sex. 

Tell him that this all stops because you do not enjoy it. If he cannot stop you will need to leave him. He's hurting you and it will escalate.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Why would you continue to have sex with him???? You are allowing him to beat you up. It does not sound to me that he is a good man, he is a sadistic abuser and you seem to be a masochist if you allow this to continue. 

He may be under the impression that you like it. I think you are not setting boundaries and you are letting him use you to act out violence and abuse. 

Be resolute and explicit about what you want him not to do. Tell him that you will not have sex that amounts to physical abuse. 

If he try's it again, stop immediately and tell him that you will take a moratorium on having sex until the problem is solved. 

I suggest you make an appointment with a sex therapist. Tell him you love him and want to have intimate mutually enjoyable sex but not abusive sex.

If he is really as nice a man as you say he should have no problem stopping the abuse. If he does not stop after you explicitly tell him, then you are dealing with a person with a big problem.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Goodgirl87 said:


> Hello all
> 
> Let me start by saying, I love my husband very much and I know he loves me. My husband is very kind, supportive, loving and protective. He is a wonderful "father" to my two sons from a previous relationship.
> 
> ...


Hi Goodgirl ~

Has your H always been like this with you? Or is this something that has started more recently between you?

And, is this something that you REALLY want to do?

There needs to be mutuality and agreement in your sexual relationship. If you don't want this type of sex, then you need to speak up and let your husband know and stand firm in your convictions.

Best wishes.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> You husband is physically abusing you and you are allowing it under the guise of sex.


:iagree:


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I wonder what his childhood was like too? You say that he will have violent sex with you, choke you, beat you, leave bruises etc,then he will take care of you and be nice. I wonder if this type of thing happened to him from a parent or relative. Kinda like a control thing, here let me beat you/through sex, but then I will show you I love you. :scratchhead:

It needs to be addressed though. Regardless of where it might have come from.


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## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

If you do not enjoy violent sex, well, then speak up honey, and if your hubby is as protective as you claim him to be, then he will back off.

In my own experience, I never knew violent sex existed until after I was divorced at 35 and dating again. Two of the first three women that I was in intimate relationships with, really seemed to get off on violent sex...one loved to have her long hair pulled very hard and to be spanked until she was literally black and blue. The other, liked to be choked...I mean REALLY choked, to the point where she was almost passing out, as well as liked to be slapped hard across the face and liked me to put all my weight on her (I outweighed her an average of 100 pounds during the relationship as she was tall and thin). She also didn't mind me spitting in her mouth during sex or gagging blowjobs that would often end in messy facials.

But, flash forward a couple years, and now remarried, while I experimented with some of that with my wife, it's not really what she is into and if a woman isn't into something, at least in my own experience, it makes it less stimulating/less pleasurable for the guy. So, now other than pinning her arms down or choking her every now and then mildly, that's about it, and I'm fine with it.

So, make it CRYSTAL CLEAR to your hubby that you do not want to have violent sex and express the boundaries of what is and what is not ok and then, well, he better f***ing respect your boundaries, otherwise, he is not the Prince Charming you make him out to be.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Goodgirl87 said:


> Hello all
> 
> Let me start by saying, I love my husband very much and I know he loves me. My husband is very kind, supportive, loving and protective. He is a wonderful "father" to my two sons from a previous relationship.
> 
> ...


|He cannot be very protective of you, if he is beating you up. You need to discuss this with your husband and put a firm end to this. There are some women who enjoy this kind of roughness, but those situations are agreed on and consensual.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

i am now wondering with you stating he has violent sex with you to hurt you then he takes care of you afterwards, if he has some form of Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome.
if he does, i would also worry about if you have children with him, if he will also do something to hurt them so he can take care of them afterwards.
ive usually heard of this in women, but i dont know why it couldnt show up in a male also.


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

My husband and I have violent sex similar to your description maybe a third of the time that we are together intimately. One key difference though: we BOTH enjoy it. We talked about our more "violent" fantasies when we first met and agreed to give it a try, came up with a safety word and since then discovered that we both enjoy it. We don't have violent sex every time, that would get dull pretty fast if we did! But because we both enjoy it, we do it occassionally.

That said...if you are NOT enjoying it then you need to speak up. How the heck is he supposed to know that you aren't into it if you never tell him? He's not a mind reader...
Also...I'm alittle concerned that he started trying these things with you without first talking to you about them and making sure you were comfortable trying them. Thats alittle alarming to say the least. Rough sex is a slippery slope and you've got to have good communication from the get-go if you want it to work for both parties. What he's doing is borderlining on abuse simply for the fact that he never bothered to ask you if you liked it before he did it.
In any case, it sounds like the relationship is otherwise pretty solid and it would be a shame to let something as silly as miscommunication in the bedroom drive a wedge between you (I speak from experience on that), so you've got to speak up and talk to him about your needs. If you don't tell him, then he'll never know.


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## Goodgirl87 (Dec 23, 2011)

Thank you everyone.

It is true, I have not set boundaries. I have had rough sex in previous relationships, but not on the scale of this. I attempted to talk about this with him twice, he basically said that he will do me anyway he wants to. I guess I just want to know why men have these thoughts and fantasies with a person that they love. I guess, I let him because I love him so much, but then, unlike him, my own childhood was full of violence and abuse.

He is a good father to my boys, he has endless amounts of patience with them and with me. He has an incredibly high sex drive, perhaps even sex addiction if there is such a thing. He is Christian (i am not), he does not watch porn, though i am sure he has in the past. His childhood was normal, he has a good relationship with his family...he did have an alcohol and drug problem for three years...he ended up homeless but he has been clean now for two years.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Goodgirl87 said:


> I attempted to talk about this with him twice, he basically said that he will do me anyway he wants to.


That statement would probably do it for me right there. But thats just me. Good luck if you decide to stay with him.


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

Goodgirl87 said:


> he basically said that he will do me anyway he wants to.


No, no, no.
If you set a boundary and he crosses that boundary then its no longer consentual. He doesn't get to "do" anything to you if you aren't ok with it. The fact that he was so quick to dismiss your attempts to talk to him is VERY ALARMING. In fact, his thought process is right in line with the thought process of a rapist.
Thats not healthy at all, and needs to be dealt with asap before it escalates.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Goodgirl87 said:


> It is true, I have not set boundaries.


And there's your problem right there.



Goodgirl87 said:


> I attempted to talk about this with him twice, he basically said that he will do me anyway he wants to.


Did you kind of hint at the possibility that you would like to have a boundary? Or did you actually try to stand up for yourself and tell him that you find this unacceptable? I'm guessing it's the former.



Goodgirl87 said:


> I guess I just want to know why men have these thoughts and fantasies with a person that they love.


We don't. We may have some fantasies of variation that include some mild pain. But I don't know any mentally healthy people who enjoy abusing other people. Let alone people they claim to love.



Goodgirl87 said:


> I guess, I let him because I love him so much, but then, unlike him, my own childhood was full of violence and abuse.


I don't think so. I think you let him because you don't have boundaries. You're just rationalizing that you love him so much you'll let him abuse you. It's pretty common.

My wife loves me. She probably loves me at least as much as you love your husband. And if I beat her during sex, she would divorce me. She would still love me. She just wouldn't stay married to me. But, my wife has boundaries.



Goodgirl87 said:


> He is a good father to my boys, he has endless amounts of patience with them and with me. He has an incredibly high sex drive, perhaps even sex addiction if there is such a thing. He is Christian (i am not), he does not watch porn, though i am sure he has in the past. His childhood was normal, he has a good relationship with his family...he did have an alcohol and drug problem for three years...he ended up homeless but he has been clean now for two years.


Those are all excuses. And they don't hold up. Is he a good father? Do you want him teaching your boys about sex? Should the birds and bees talk include the proper way to fatten their future wife's lip? I wouldn't say so. I think a good father treats the family, including the mother, well. He sounds like an abusive father.


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> Did you kind of hint at the possibility that you would like to have a boundary? Or did you actually try to stand up for yourself and tell him that you find this unacceptable? I'm guessing it's the former.


^this.

You *NEED* to speak up.
Repeat: You *ABSOLUTELY MUST* stand up for yourself.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

UnwantedWife said:


> No, no, no.
> his thought process is right in line with the thought process of a rapist.


in line with a rapist?
if she has told him, it doesnt matter in what way, she doesnt like it then he *IS* a rapist.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> in line with a rapist?
> if she has told him, it doesnt matter in what way, she doesnt like it then he *IS* a rapist.


I disagree. If she has said no firmly and resolutely, then yes, I would say he is totally wrong for assaulting her.

But if she's just hinted that it's perhaps a little unpleasant for her, he is likely clueless. As someone else said, he's not a mind reader. An accusation of a crime requires that there be no doubt as to his wife's consent.


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## LBG (Nov 22, 2011)

This is a pretty scary situation in my opinion. You must step up and set boundaries or stop have sex with him. I agree with the others that this tends to be more like rape. Maybe you could create a safe word that lets him know that he's pushing you past your comfort level. I would definitely agree that he has some issues that could result from porn watching or just past experiences. 

Hubby and I have rough sex, not violent. He likes the biting, slapping, names, dirty talk and so on, while I'm more conservative about it all. In return, I do these things to him because it excites him, but he doesn't do them to me in return because it's a turn off for me. He'll be a little rough, but he knows how far he can push without hurting me or going past boundaries. 

Maybe this is something that the two of you could do, just because you don't enjoy it like me, doesn't mean that you can't do it to him if that's what excites him. I felt strange at first being that rough with the hubby but he ensured me that yes, this is what he likes and that he's fine with me not being quite as into the violent part as he is. 

When he gets like this are you letting him know that it turns you off or are you playing along so that he thinks it excites you? If you are playing along, stop! Make sure he's aware that you aren't comfortable and that he's turning you off which is the exact opposite of what I'm sure he's trying to do. If he cannot respect your boundaries, than you have no choice but to stop having sex with him.

Every time you have sex it shouldn't be rough/violent there should be some sweetness to it as well. If he's just being rough with you than that makes me question his respect level for you and your body.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Goodgirl87 said:


> I attempted to talk about this with him twice, he basically said that he will do me anyway he wants to.


even if no CLEAR boundaries were set,
this still constitutes rape.

he doesnt have to be a fooking mind reader, when he makes a statement like this he knows exactly what she is saying.
he just doesnt give a [email protected]
rape and assault is still rape and assault.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

He will do you any way he wants to? 

Buy him a goat and say "Have at it. I'm done!"

Then leave


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

HerToo said:


> He will do you any way he wants to?
> 
> Buy him a goat and say "Have at it. I'm done!"
> 
> Then leave


THIS


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I have a different view. Sure porn can influence behaviour but your existing personality has to pre-dispose you to be able to be a man and do that to a woman against her will.

If you're not afraid, you should be. Especially after his outright refusal to stop hurting you. He is exerting power over you during your sex. That's his source of arousal...and it's completely unhealthy.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

sinnister said:


> I have a different view. Sure porn can influence behaviour but your existing personality has to pre-dispose you to be able to be a man and do that to a woman against her will.
> 
> If you're not afraid, you should be. Especially after his outright refusal to stop hurting you. He is exerting power over you during your sex. That's his source of arousal...and it's completely unhealthy.


completely agree. thats also why i brought up Munchausen by proxy syndrome.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

These people get more aggressive with time. This is dangerous for you. Get out while you can girl.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

To the OP, what are your thoughts on this as far as staying with him? You keep mentioning how good he is to your kids and good husband , patient etc, but what about how he is treating you in bed? Are you going to overlook it because thats just one area he acts different in?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> THIS


Except he'd be in jail for animal abuse, and around here, prohibited from owning an animal for awhile. Hmmm... Wonder what that says about his actions?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

The goat wouldn't have a choice... She does.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Goodgirl87 (Dec 23, 2011)

To Jamison Yes I will stay with him, I love him, he is a good man. I just dont understand. When I originally posted it was after a particularly bad incidnent...he had wrapped a belt around my neck and told me he could kill me if he wanted to. Afterwards, he told me he would never kill me. 

Yesterday, his brother wanted to go see a movie with him. My husband wouldnt go, he just wanted to stay home with me, I insisted he go. When they returned 3 hours later, his brother was laughing, in a nice way, at how my husband did nothing but talk about me the whole time, and they didnt even stop to eat on the way home as he just wanted to get home. When he did, he bounded up the stairs like we had been apart for days.

He loves me, I just need to talk to him some more.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

He is treating you more like a doll than a wife. He has to show his power over you. He is most likely still immature. I suppose this brother is younger or even still a kid and he your H is showing off. Its not healthy for him. Does he work. I suppose not at a real job. I dont think the answer is talking to him. 
I can only say that if he doesnt change quick you wont last long with him. I expect quite a few more posts from you in the future.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Goodgirl87 said:


> Yes I will stay with him,


you will most likely end up in the hospital...
or worse.


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

Goodgirl87 said:


> To Jamison Yes I will stay with him, I love him, he is a good man. I just dont understand. When I originally posted it was after a particularly bad incidnent...he had wrapped a belt around my neck and *told me he could kill me if he wanted to. Afterwards, he told me he would never kill me. *
> 
> Yesterday, his brother wanted to go see a movie with him. My husband wouldnt go, he just *wanted to stay home with me*, I insisted he go. When they returned 3 hours later, his brother was laughing, in a nice way, at how my husband *did nothing but talk about me the whole time, and they didnt even stop to eat on the way home as he just wanted to get home. When he did, he bounded up the stairs like we had been apart for days.*
> 
> He loves me, I just need to talk to him some more.


I've just bolded three of your statements which very clearly are red flags for an abusive spouse:
1- Doing something, then saying the exact opposite.
Actions speak louder than words. No matter how many times he tells you [after the fact] that he'd never hurt you, the fact of the matter is, he DID already hurt you. No matter how many times he tells you [after the fact] that he would never kill you, the fact of the matter is, he DID already threaten to kill you. This is very typical behavior of an abusive spouse.
2- Wanting to be with you constantly.
That sort of co-dependent behavior can be very flattering and make you feel loved, but it isn't love that is driving his need to be around you- its possession. You are his property, he wants to be near his property to make sure that you are behaving as he feels you should be. Given enough time this behavior will most likely escalate to isolation. In other words, if you stay with him, eventually you will find him discouraging you from spending time with family/friends. This is also very typical behavior of an abusive spouse.
3- Obcession.
Again, it makes you feel loved, like he just can't get enough of you. And lets be honest, it feels nice when our spouses behave this way from time to time. But paired with his other red flags, this is not a trait that you should be happy about. His obcession with you is driven not by love, but by possession. To him, you are a fun toy and he just can't stop playing with you. It wouldn't be so bad if his play was mutually satisifying, but you've already said that it isn't. He doesn't care about your sexual wants and needs- he only cares about his own. He uses your body the same as most men would use their own hand, or a blow-up doll.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You married a rapist. It will only escalate until he puts you in the hospital, kills you or rapes you at knife point or all of those things. Maybe if you're lucky he'll tie you up and brutalize you until you cry, then rape you repeatedly.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

This thread reminds me of that movie "Stepfather"


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## kallywana (Dec 2, 2011)

My husband tried discussing having anal sex with him, l told him not to finish the last word and that was it.


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> You married a rapist. It will only escalate until he puts you in the hospital, kills you or rapes you at knife point or all of those things. Maybe if you're lucky he'll tie you up and brutalize you until you cry, then rape you repeatedly.


I'm sorry, but do you have a crystal ball? Can you tell the future? Because unless you know whose going to win the superbowl this year, I highly doubt that you are in any position to tell this woman what *WILL* happen.

Granted, I agree, this guy is abusive in one of the worst ways. He sounds like a sick, manipulative, sadist. And, I agree, the situation will most likely continue to escalate until she either wises up and stops the abuse, OR he hurts her beyond repair/hospitalizes her/etc..

That said, your comment was unnecessarily vivid and terrifying.
Scaring the crap out of this woman isn't going to help her. All you're going to do by putting these images into her mind is put her on the offense. At best she'll disregard what you have to say because you were so crude about how you said it. At worst she'll be so upset she won't come back to TAM so none of us will have a chance to reason with her nor show her how dangerous her current path is.
Have some tact when dealing with battered women.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

UnwantedWife said:


> I'm sorry, but do you have a crystal ball? Can you tell the future? Because unless you know whose going to win the superbowl this year, I highly doubt that you are in any position to tell this woman what *WILL* happen.
> 
> Granted, I agree, this guy is abusive in one of the worst ways. He sounds like a sick, manipulative, sadist. And, I agree, the situation will most likely continue to escalate until she either wises up and stops the abuse, OR he hurts her beyond repair/hospitalizes her/etc..
> 
> ...


While I'll be one of the first to agree RLD can be very tactless, sometimes people need bluntness. To the OP, my mom loves me but, that didn't stop her from abusing me. I had my eye blackened, choked, sprained thumb, cracked ribs, concussion and she pulled a shotgun on me. All in the name of love. I wish you well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

UnwantedWife said:


> I'm sorry, but do you have a crystal ball? Can you tell the future? Because unless you know whose going to win the superbowl this year, I highly doubt that you are in any position to tell this woman what *WILL* happen. ... And, I agree, the situation will most likely continue to escalate until she either wises up and stops the abuse, OR he hurts her beyond repair/hospitalizes her/etc..


These two statements are inconsistent. Either the future is unpredictable, or it is predictable.



UnwantedWife said:


> Scaring the crap out of this woman isn't going to help her. All you're going to do by putting these images into her mind is put her on the offense. At best she'll disregard what you have to say because you were so crude about how you said it. At worst she'll be so upset she won't come back to TAM so none of us will have a chance to reason with her nor show her how dangerous her current path is.
> Have some tact when dealing with battered women.


I have a different opinion. First, if the OP ends up in the hospital, she may remember the post on this thread predicting her fate and start to put more stock in the advice here. Yes, it's possible that we will run her off. However, I don't see the value in mild warnings designed more to avoid harsh reality than to help someone improve their situation.

Tact can be an important element when dealing with battered women, or anyone else. However, we shouldn't whitewash the responsibility the OP has for her situation. If her husband is abusive and refuses to change, the OP must leave.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

There is a difference between love and not having any self esteem. IMO I think thats more why you are willing to stay with him than love. 

Love is not abuse (of any kind) and love isn't letting someone abuse you.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> There is a difference between love and not having any self esteem. IMO I think thats more why you are willing to stay with him than love.
> 
> Love is not abuse (of any kind) and love isn't letting someone abuse you.


THIS

I feel sad that the OP thinks this is "love". It's control, abuse, unhealthy need....but it certainly is not love. But how can she know the difference when her childhood was the same way? She thinks this is normal because it's all she's known....with every relationship she's had. So so sad.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Goodgirl

I think it is time you sit down with your husband and tell him that he is hurting you and you want him to stop.

It is very clear to me, considering you wrote the post, this bothers you, so tell him to stop.

If he loves you and respects you he will stop.

Personally, I never really understood the violent sex thing.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Tact? My recommendation is to get a titanium J-framed hammerless 5-shot .38 and learn how to use it. If OP was my daughter I would personally see to that man's extended hospitalization or worse. I am 100% serious.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

RLD, you sound just like my father and my brothers.

Some fool asked me out on a date once. When I asked him what he wanted to do on said date, the pig grinned and said "We can go to a hotel."

I told him to go reserve a the hotel room to f**k himself in it.  When I relayed the story to my eldest bro, he told me that I should have allowed the guy to take me to the room, left under the guise of picking up something and alerted my 3 brothers, who would have gone to the room with padlocks in socks. :rofl:

Nobody messes with their only sister.


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

Goodgirl87 said:


> Hello all
> 
> Let me start by saying, I love my husband very much and I know he loves me. My husband is very kind, supportive, loving and protective. He is a wonderful "father" to my two sons from a previous relationship.
> 
> ...


Goodgirl, he is hurting you. It does not really matter why the violent sex turns him on, the fact is he is abusing you. You must tell him to stop. If he refuses or tries to guilt you into more violence you have got to get out. I just don't think it's healthy for you. Please get help


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## Goodgirl87 (Dec 23, 2011)

Thank you all for your advice. Initially, when I posted, I was simply after an explanation, theories perhaps as to why he can be like this. Now, I am finding I am questioning our entire relationship. 

I used to be a prolific gamer which involved a lot of social interaction via skype, ventrilo etc. I was also very social and outgoing. As of today, I have no friends, no facebook, no games...I have my husband and my boys..and thats it. He has always made out it was for my best interests, but it doesnt seem that way to me.

I did attempt to talk to him a couple of nights back, not about the voilence, but the isolation. He told me, if he had the money, he would have a full security team with me 24/7 and I wold be living in isolation...this, more than the violence has me concerned. Truth is though, I do love him, he is my world and I just dont know if I will do anything about it.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

It's nice that you love him, but think about your kids. Is this the best role model for them? Hell, no!

Can you see a therapist without him knowing? He has you so conditioned to think that isolation and violence are okay, but it's not. You are setting up your kids to think this is normal, too. What about them?


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Goodgirl87 said:


> He told me, if he had the money, he would have a full security team with me 24/7 and I wold be living in isolation...this, more than the violence has me concerned. Truth is though, I do love him, he is my world and I just dont know if I will do anything about it.


RedFlags are everywhere and people are telling you so. I think you know as well.

You are with him due to very low self worth not love. It doesn't appear you have much respect for yourself or kids. If so, you would not have to think twice about remaining or leaving the situation. Somewhere along the way you're mind became warped about what real love is. Its not violent sex, and having a security team around you 24/7 for isolation.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Goodgirl87 said:


> Thank you all for your advice. Initially, when I posted, I was simply after an explanation, theories perhaps as to why he can be like this. Now, I am finding I am questioning our entire relationship.
> 
> I used to be a prolific gamer which involved a lot of social interaction via skype, ventrilo etc. I was also very social and outgoing. As of today, I have no friends, no facebook, no games...I have my husband and my boys..and thats it. He has always made out it was for my best interests, but it doesnt seem that way to me.
> 
> I did attempt to talk to him a couple of nights back, not about the voilence, but the isolation. He told me, if he had the money, he would have a full security team with me 24/7 and I wold be living in isolation...this, more than the violence has me concerned. Truth is though, I do love him, he is my world and I just dont know if I will do anything about it.


BTW. Isolation is a very common experience for moms. Not a forced isolation, but and isolation because kids affects your freetime and your interests so much.

The gaming and online stuff is naturally going to end as you spend your time and energy on being a mom. Sure there are people who continue the hardcore gaming etc, but they sacrificing time they could be spending with their family, for online playtime.

A good way to deal with the isolation is to find an join new social circles that involve moms and kids. Maybe not as fun as online games, but it does beat sitting home alone.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Your husband has some issues, particularily with respecting you. Serious issues. This is not ok in the least.

Ask him how HE would feel in the following scenario....

Tie him face down on the bed, and then get the biggest BIGGEST strap on you can find, then tell him your going to do him any way you want. See how he feels after an hour or two of that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Latoya Jackson was in an abusive relationship for years. Her abuser did not allow her to be out of his sight or make private phone calls.

Security team around you all the time? Yeah, that's not creepy at all!

Don't you want to be alive for your children? How will it affect the poor little ones, when they find out that their Daddy killed their Mom? 

I have a feeling that you are too beaten down emotionally to make an escape. Trust me, I know how it feels to have your self esteem and confidence robbed by abuse. It took me TWO years to leave an emotionally and sexually abusive man. 

Abuse victims leave when they have finally had enough. I hope that day comes before he murders you. In the meantime, you are free to continue repeating "He loves me" like a mantra. What exactly do you think love is? 

I hope that my words have slapped you awake.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

To be fair Tina Turner did better music when Ike was beating the hell out of her. (j/k)


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Goodgirl87 said:


> Thank you all for your advice. Initially, when I posted, I was simply after an explanation, theories perhaps as to why he can be like this. Now, I am finding I am questioning our entire relationship.
> 
> I used to be a prolific gamer which involved a lot of social interaction via skype, ventrilo etc. I was also very social and outgoing. As of today, I have no friends, no facebook, no games...I have my husband and my boys..and thats it. He has always made out it was for my best interests, but it doesnt seem that way to me.
> 
> I did attempt to talk to him a couple of nights back, not about the voilence, but the isolation. He told me, if he had the money, he would have a full security team with me 24/7 and I wold be living in isolation...this, more than the violence has me concerned. Truth is though, I do love him, he is my world and I just dont know if I will do anything about it.


This isn't just a red flag...it's freakin beacon...

Don't know what else to say except to echo the statements of the "tactless one". If you were my daughter...God help that man.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Abusers isolate their victims so they have no help.

Get help...and get away.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Goodgirl87 said:


> Thank you all for your advice. Initially, when I posted, I was simply after an explanation, theories perhaps as to why he can be like this. Now, I am finding I am questioning our entire relationship.
> 
> I used to be a prolific gamer which involved a lot of social interaction via skype, ventrilo etc. I was also very social and outgoing. As of today, I have no friends, no facebook, no games...I have my husband and my boys..and thats it. He has always made out it was for my best interests, but it doesnt seem that way to me.
> 
> I did attempt to talk to him a couple of nights back, not about the voilence, but the isolation. He told me, if he had the money, he would have a full security team with me 24/7 and I wold be living in isolation...this, more than the violence has me concerned. Truth is though, I do love him, he is my world and I just dont know if I will do anything about it.


Hi Goodgirl ~

Because of abuse in your background, you may be feeling like your husband's actions are okay. But, you have come to this site asking for validation on whether what it going on is okay or not.

Go to the following site sometime and work through the questionnaires. Maybe it will be able to help you see your situation in a clearer light.

How Do I Know If I'm Being Abused?

Best wishes.


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## Goodgirl87 (Dec 23, 2011)

Thank you all for your words of advice

When I originally made the post, I was looking for a reason as to why this was happening. In almost every aspect I felt loved but I was confused by his lust for violent sex.

Through the responses from you guys/gals it has become clear to me, that he may not love me, and I am his obsession. The isolation I have is not by my choice but his. Every part of my life is controlled by him. We had a disagreement the other night, and for the first time I realised just how truly alone I am, I have no one to turn to but him, no one at all.

Interestingly, and probably a poor choice of words, in my attempts to speak to him about what is going on, the violence has gotten much worse. He today told me that by me being attractive, it actually pisses him off and I have noticed he is attempting to bruise my face.

Yet I love him. Several nights ago, after a row with his family, he came clean about his own childhood, which doesn't seem any better than mine. He was bashed by his father, I guess this is why he has such violent tendancies.

Today, I was recalling some horrific events when I was a child...sadly he became aroused over this. I think he associates violence with love. Outside of the bedroom, he treats me like I am made of glass..truly the complete opposite of the violence in the bedroom.

I feel I now have more answers than when I made my original post. I also see things for what they are and my head tells me I must leave him, but in my heart I know I will not...I love him, and perhaps we are obsessed by each other. I cannot imagine him not being in my life. 

For those of you that have concerns for my children, he has never ever stepped out of line, he never so much as yells at them and they really do adore him.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Goodgirl87 said:


> Thank you all for your words of advice
> 
> When I originally made the post, I was looking for a reason as to why this was happening. In almost every aspect I felt loved but I was confused by his lust for violent sex.
> 
> ...


Sounds like a version of stockholm syndrome to me!


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Goodgirl87 said:


> He today told me that by me being attractive, it actually pisses him off and I have noticed he is attempting to bruise my face.
> 
> Yet I love him.



It seems you both are victims. Your "love" for him is tied more so to your low self worth. If you truly loved yourself and thought more of yourself you wouldn't remain in this mess. 

He sees love through violence, you see love through putting up with it. Also never think for one minute that just because he doesn't hurt your kids or hasn't so far, that he wont ever. If he cared for your kids, he wouldn't be telling their mother he wants to bruise her face because she is attractive. 

When he hurts you beyond being able to be reconized and you're in the hospital, or even much worse, then who will take care of your kids that are left behind?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Goodgirl87 said:


> For those of you that have concerns for my children, he has never ever stepped out of line, he never so much as yells at them and they really do adore him.


Your children will know. They will see the bruises, the pain you are in, hear your screams and the shouting by your husband. As they get older, they put it together. Maybe not everything, but the general idea of what is going on.

And by your silence and acceptance, you will be teaching them it is okay. Teaching them that a "man" should treat his wife that way, and that a wife should accept it. Your sons will grow up to treat their girlfriends and wives in this way; your daughters will grow up to expect to receive this treatment. They will pass this on to your grandchildren.

All because you and your husband have taught them to do so.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Your post and your update to whats going on saddens me. I feel bad for you and your children. 

I really wish you could see your worth. Because I have a feeling until you do, (if ever) you will remain in this toxic/dangerous situation. 

You need to be strong for your children and you aren't because you are with an abusive man who continues to knock your self worth down. If you do not love yourself, please try to love your children enough to get them out of this situation.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

Good Girl, your husband associates violence with love. He loves his kids. What does that tell you?

If he hasn't already done something with them already, without you knowing, then one day he will. Unless he gets help, but I have a feeling he won't be too receptive.


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

Goodgirl87 said:


> Thank you all for your words of advice
> 
> When I originally made the post, I was looking for a reason as to why this was happening. In almost every aspect I felt loved but I was confused by his lust for violent sex.
> 
> ...


Please make a call to a local social agency about what facility might be available to you if should need it in an emergency. You don't need to leave your husband now or anything like that, but if you have the information about emergency shelter before you need it, you will be doing yourself and kids a big favor. No judgements. No blames. You would just be doing what you need to do to keep your kids safe. 

Goodgirl, I am all about giving marriage every 2nd chance possible. But I am really worried about you. I care. check back into the thread when you can.


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

That is disgusting. Your partner needs therapy ASAP.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Goodgirl87 said:


> The isolation I have is not by my choice but his.


Wrong. You are making a choice every single day to accept his treatment of you. You are free to stop at any time.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

Naw bay, This ain't normal. Waaaaatttttt???????????????????


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## par4 (Mar 8, 2012)

I would have to wonder about this relationship
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

Goodgirl87 said:


> It is true, I have not set boundaries. I have had rough sex in previous relationships, but not on the scale of this. I attempted to talk about this with him twice, he basically said that he will do me anyway he wants to.


OK, this is my confusion. This whole pattern sounds exactly like a pattern called "Master/slave" seen unusually in the BDSM community. The key difference though is that you aren't consenting. I certainly agree with the numerous posters who have already stated that you are not consenting to this. That makes it wrong. Period. There is no "if clause" on that. But, you love the man which means that it's probably important to you to understand what's going on and, perhaps, fix it. So I have a few options to toss out:

A) Maybe he's a sadist and knows nothing about the term and doesn't understand what he's feeling and is covered in guilt by it yada yada. In that case I'd recommend some education.

B) Maybe he's read one too many BDSM forums and thought to himself, "Hey, it sounds neat to own my wife so I'll just go ahead do that without finding out if she wants to be controlled in this way." In that case you've got a serious problem on your hands because fundamentally what that says is he doesn't care about you.

C) Maybe it has nothing to do with porn or BDSM and he's just an abusive personality.

If I were in your shoes I'd be wanting to know which of those it was. The first is fixable. Confusion is human. We all make mistakes. Or I sure as heck do anyway. That one can probably be handled with some BDSM education and some serious discussion between you two. I see it as reasonably benign (though still terribly wrong in the moment). The other two alternatives are much darker.

*I guess I just want to know why men have these thoughts and fantasies with a person that they love.*
I'm kind of a BDSM groupie. I like the alternativeness of the scene and Carol and I share some elements but we are not into sadism and masochism ourselves. But I have asked that question of lots of people and the general answer I've come down to is, "because they do" Some of my friends have shown me pictures that make me remind myself carefully that it's not my place to judge. But I know the couples well enough to know that it works for them and they are clearly happy. 

Heck, my own explorations have uncovered some fairly unsettling things about my own preferences. In the end I think human sexuality is a hugely complicated topic and largely not understood at all. But in the case of Carol and I, those unsettling things produce positive results in the marriage -- for both of us -- and so they continue. If that were not true, then they would stop. And that, I think is the point that needs to be looked at here. Whatever his desires are, they are not producing positive results. 

The key question in my mind is why aren't they stopping?


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## Tropical (Jul 15, 2011)

Goodgirl87 said:


> Hello all
> 
> Let me start by saying, I love my husband very much and I know he loves me. My husband is very kind, supportive, loving and protective. He is a wonderful "father" to my two sons from a previous relationship.
> 
> ...


 It's not good at all and it may hurt not only your brain, but also your body. I will give you an example with the moles...If you have some mole (beauty spot) and he hurt it, then this may result to melanoma (a kind of skin cancer)! If he loves you, he must protect your *body and soul*!
According to the *psychopatology* he has got a sexual disorder named "sadism": Sadism and masochism as medical terms - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I hope that you will read this post. With some counseling, I think he can find a healthy way to express his emotions. You need it. You being passive will only make him think that these actions are OK and will only escalate the violence in the future. One step at a time though. Start seeking support structures outside the marriage as a first step.


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## AllThePrettyHorses (Mar 23, 2012)

3leafclover said:


> *choking to the point of bad bruising? It doesn't take much pressure to crush the trachea*) or Consensual, and I've always thought the Sane was relative so won't comment on that one. Regardless, that's at least two strikes outta three, and even one would be enough.
> 
> *Why are we posting on a 3-month-old thread?*


What a morbid combination of statements.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

He likes S&M; you don't, but you tolerate it. I mean the real kind, not just flirting with the idea of rough.

You NEED to have a discussion about boundaries, a very clear one that isn't gray and passive. 

I'm guessing you're probably submissive to him often, conceding frequently to his wishes & voicing yours very tentatively. The more timid you are, the more aggressive he will become, over time. For this reason, you absolutely MUST discuss your boundaries and determine what is an unconscionable NO and what line should not get crossed at all. He will want to test your limits during sex and so you need understand and firmly articulate what your limits actually are and which ones fall between "unacceptable" and "uncomfortable". He's probably going to like that middle zone a lot, so you need to be strong enough to protect yourself if it gets out of hand. You need safe words and you need to be able to trust that he will honor your limits because otherwise, you are likely to end up accidentally hurt one day. 

Being safe is important. Your intuition is telling you that you need to pay attention to this.

Oh, and if this isn't something you want in your life, you guys should arrange an outlet for him so that the rest of your marriage together doesn't suffer under the threat of some fatal injury to you.


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