# "I don't feel that way"



## Needin_help (Feb 11, 2012)

So I have been reading the forums the past 5 days and I know I am not really a unique story, so I will boil it down to the nitty-gritty.

My wife and I have had financial problems the past 4-5 years or so. It got so bad in late 2010 that we moved in with different relatives who were about 6 hours apart so we could save money and work on getting financially secure. We still loved each other, talked all the time, visited when we could... but a year and a half later my wife tells me she no longer feels that way about me. She still loves me but just not "that way."

I've tried everything... tried talking to her, tried telling her I would come down and work this out, asked if she would do counseling. But all she says is "I'm sorry" or "I don't know" and tells me she needs to work on these feelings herself. I ask her if she even wants to try to fix our marriage and she says "Not right now."

The whole thing blew up when I found out she was basically having an emotional affair with an ex boyfriend she found on Facebook. She swears up and down it has nothing to do with him, but it is hard for me to believe that.

Should I just give up? We've been apart for about a year and a half and the entire time I grew more and more in love with her while she apparently drifted apart. I tried to get her to move back with me sooner, but she didn't want to take my daughter out of school (we have an 11 and 5 year old) in the middle of the year and put her in another school. May was supposed to be the month they moved back up with me. Well, guess that's over...

We're very amicable. We haven't fought, we aren't arguing over money or who gets the kids, we want it to be as close to "normal" as it can be. I am even filling out the divorce paperwork for her so she can file it if she really wants to go through with it. I am already giving her money because she doesn't have a job, giving her everything I can think of to support her. She says she wants to get a job, go to school and then eventually move closer to me so it is easier on our girls.

I don't want our marriage to be over, but I keep getting a wall put no matter what I say. Should I give it time? Should I just give up? Should I put up the cold shoulder and make her realize what she may be missing? I'm afraid with our 1 1/2 year financially-forced separation that she already knows what she's missing... and she doesn't miss it that much.


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## Oregondaddy (Feb 10, 2012)

Since you had to endure a long forced "separation" is there any way you could both move at least closer together. Maybe seeing each other would help???


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Your wife is most likely having an affair.

Get your butt off the ground and investigate the crap out of her. She's not missing you because she's most likely busy with some other temptation.

Read the stories here. A wife who doesn't miss her husband is most likely cheating.

My wife left me after being fed up and it took a few letters and a changed "me" to bring her back after 4 weeks. She says the letters did wonders, but deep down I can tell she missed me to the point of not being able to carry on with life anymore. She admits it from time to time but is too "proud" to stick with her admission.

If she had someone else in her life, there's no way I could've convinced her to come back. That's how destructive an affair can be. They simply don't miss you enough.

Start snooping on your wife. Stalk her if you have to. Don't feel guilty. She's still your wife.


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## Needin_help (Feb 11, 2012)

I've checked on her. I have access to her Facebook and our cell phone bill as well as the bank account. I know she has been talking to someone, but that someone lives just as far away as I do. She has both of our girls with her and I am pretty sure she hasn't gone off to have an affair with someone.

However, that does not mean that this ex she found on FB isn't feeling an emotional gap that I haven't filled. She knows I know about him, she tells me she "feels something" when she talks to him, but she says that her not wanting to be with me has nothing to do with him.

I tend to believe her as she is normally brutally honest. I've had my suspicions, but found nothing other than some texting and calling that raise a red flag.



Oregondaddy said:


> Since you had to endure a long forced "separation" is there any way you could both move at least closer together. Maybe seeing each other would help???


I have tried. I have asked her multiple times to move up with me. There is no way I could move down closer to her as my job is the only reason we've been able to survive the last 1 1/2 years. If I quit to take on a lower paying job or maybe no job at all, we would all be ruined.

When I ask her to move up, she just says she is not ready. I get upset and try to ask her if she just wants me to stick around and wait for her to figure herself out, and she says no. I want to fix it, I will do almost anything feasible to fix it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Find the OM and talk to his wife or gf. Make the affair costly for him to be part of.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Needin_help (Feb 11, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Find the OM and talk to his wife or gf. Make the affair costly for him to be part of.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He has no wife or girlfriend.


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## Needin_help (Feb 11, 2012)

And maybe that's the other thing I need to explain. I don't want to make this hell on anyone. I just want to stay with my wife. But... if she has chosen to move on, maybe I just need to let her.

Nothing is like the movies, but I feel like I need to get a trenchcoat and boombox and go stand outside her window or something. Or drive down and profess my love in the rain. Or something crazy. But at the same time, I think it would just make her upset and would not change her mind.

I think I'm just screwed.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Needin_help said:


> He has no wife or girlfriend.


Do you know yourself for a fact or because your wife told you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Why do you still give her money?


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## Needin_help (Feb 11, 2012)

I know he's not married, she says he has no GF. I don't really know him, don't know who she would be if he did.

And yes, I give her money, she has my two girls with her.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Needin_help said:


> I know he's not married, she says he has no GF. I don't really know him, don't know who she would be if he did.
> 
> And yes, I give her money, she has my two girls with her.



He has parents and siblings, get hold of them and her parents.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Needin_help (Feb 11, 2012)

Eli-Zor said:


> He has parents and siblings, get hold of them and her parents.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Her parents already know.

I am 99% sure that there is nothing going on other than emotional stuff. I can't even guarantee that it is an emotional affair, just that it is someone she talks to. She's only called him once and text him a handful of times in the week since she told me she didn't feel the same way about me. That doesn't seem like much of an emotional affair.

Most of it is that it seems like he is part of the reason this happened but there's no evidence to that.

I don't know... maybe I'm in the wrong place. My situation feels a little different. I don't want to be vindictive. I don't want to take the kids away from her or screw her over financially. We have talked daily since then and we have decided to have joint custody of our girls. She put in the divorce paperwork that she has no desire to ever tell me no if I want to see or take the girls as long as it doesn't interfere with their school. She is going to move closer so that they can see me more often.

Maybe I'm holding onto a lot of BS, but it doesn't seem that way to me. I want to stay married to my wife, but if she won't stay married to me, then I at least want to be cordial so that our children can have the best life they can after all of this.

Point is, I don't feel that she is cheating, and I don't want to go accusing her of doing so. I am more interested in if I should continue trying to pursue fixing our relationship, or if I should do The 180... the problem is, she won't SEE me doing the 180 because she's not here.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Looks like you are handling it like an adult. Whether or not she is having an affair probably does not matter now. Sounds like she checked out of the marriage before you guys separated. Women are fickle, if they see you as any less than a perfect provider they'll bail. The economy f*cked you guys over but she blames you. That's just the way it is. Get a lawyer and make sure your paternal rights to your children are secure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Needin_help (Feb 11, 2012)

Well, that's the thing. The paternal rights and the money and all of that aren't what I am concerned about. We've already talked about all of that and it is about as good as you can expect in the divorce.

I just want to know how to handle it. I see people who say to keep talking to them and make them remember what you shared. I see people who say to start moving on and show them what you're missing. I see people who say to try and be vindictive if possible (which I am not going to do). I am so crushed by the way she acts about all of this... that just 3 weeks prior we were making love and she was telling me how much she loved me and crying when I had to leave, and then this.

I want to fix it, but I know I can't make someone love me. But I don't want to rush into a divorce. She's the only woman I ever said I loved, she's the mother of my children, she's what's held me together, and now I have nothing.

P.S. More importantly... should I even try to fix it if she is so bent on not wanting to? I mean... what happens if 6 months or a year or 5 years down the road the feelings go away again? I never thought I'd become a statistic like this


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

With some differences, sounds like you are in a very similar spot to where I have been (and some days, still are, although I'm generally doing ok).

Whether you should try to fix it or not....I would say, do you truly feel like you've tried everything and it still seems like a no-go? If so, then let her go because there's no point being married to someone who doesn't want to be married to you. I am at a point where I don't think id take my stbx back at the moment....for the reasons you gave about this potentially happening again down the road. I'm sorry to say I have become very hardened off to her; ive got no room for her flakey behavior, and I'm not going to sit around while she potentially goes off and finds someone else. while I am currently still ridiculously amicable with her Im sure it wont always be this way and the only way I can see to lessen potential future heartache is to get myself moved right along and her fully out of my system ASAP.

Your case does have a lot of room for serious added complications, however, especially given the distance issue with children involved, and you supporting her....on that note bandit45 is spot on with his advice about you moving to. secure your paternal rights, and also your wallet in general; seems to me these things get more ugly when there is one non working spouse.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

synthetic said:


> Your wife is most likely having an affair.
> 
> Get your butt off the ground and investigate the crap out of her. She's not missing you because she's most likely busy with some other temptation.
> 
> Read the stories here. A wife who doesn't miss her husband is most likely cheating.


I'm sorry, but this is such an overgeneralization and it's patently ridiculous. If a woman is to the point of having an affair, believe me, the 'not missing you' came years before she started.

I don't know what's going on in the OP's case, but it doesn't necessarily mean a woman is having an affair.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> I'm sorry, but this is such an overgeneralization and it's patently ridiculous. If a woman is to the point of having an affair, believe me, the 'not missing you' came years before she started.


Not true in my book. In cases where there is no abuse or infidelity, being fed-up with a marriage may erase many feelings but the feeling of physically missing your spouse can only vanish when another person is filling their shoes in that department.


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## Needin_help (Feb 11, 2012)

Well, yesterday was a better day for me. I didn't cry, didn't talk to her about the past, didn't beg her to change her mind. I said a few things to her - mainly about the kids and about some papers I sent her - but that was it. Felt like a good day.

Today - however - just had to be Valentines Day, didn't it.

As far as the affair... it's still hard to say. I am pretty certain she would have a very hard time doing something like that because she has both of our kids and lives with her parents. Not impossible, just tough. And I wholly want to believe she wouldn't.

That said, I am sure he is filling an emotional gap. Reminiscing about the good old days, talking about what could have been... that I am pretty sure is happening.


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## Cloudy78 (Feb 9, 2012)

Valentines Day sucks, even though we really didn't do anything on this day (both of us never liked it), but seeing all those couples in love really grates on me.
I have good days and bad days. Today is surprisingly a good day.
Mornings are the worst for me, getting myself out of bed and getting the kids ready for school etc.
Although my wife told me she is not in love with me anymore, it was me who asked her to move out. Whether that was the right answer, I don't know, but it was the only option at this time, for the sake of the boys and our marriage.
The problem is I love my wife, but I don't love the woman she has become. I want my wife back but I sometimes feel like that woman may have gone forever, like she died.
I have to agree a little with *worrieddad* as well, the more I think about things, the more I wonder what I would do if she wanted a reconciliation. I'm not too sure if I would, could I trust her again? These are times for serious self-reflection.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

> Although my wife told me she is not in love with me anymore, it was me who asked her to move out. Whether that was the right answer, I don't know, but it was the only option at this time, for the sake of the boys and our marriage.


That sounds familiar. My stbxw leased an apartment for February and was expecting to live with me for January. A few days after Christmas, I told her to go live at her parents. I needed to heal, and she was done with the marriage... well, for the most part. She is still not sure what the future holds (read viewing me as an option).



> The problem is I love my wife, but I don't love the woman she has become. I want my wife back but I sometimes feel like that woman may have gone forever, like she died.


Again - familiar. I have been thinking the same thing, and that is what has been helping me move forward. I do not love the woman my wife has become... selfish, self-absorbed, intolerant, etc. I think that is an important realization for you as well.



> I have to agree a little with *worrieddad* as well, the more I think about things, the more I wonder what I would do if she wanted a reconciliation. I'm not too sure if I would, could I trust her again? These are times for serious self-reflection.


I feel you. Mine said she doesn't think reconciliation is likely, but is still not sure if it's the end. The only possibility of R would be for her to work out issues with her counselor (if she ever sees one), begin dating again so we can both see how we feel, seeing a new MC to work on communication and past issues, then a slow courtship. In a way, that would be very nice... but the problem is that like you, I'm not sure I could ever trust her again emotionally. 

We are worth more than to be with someone who doesn't love us or doesn't want to be with us. Plain and simple. Being the "dumpees" it just takes time to heal. 

That said, if R is what you both want, I wish you the very best.


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## asylumspadez (Jan 17, 2012)

Stop supporting her (giving her your money). She has made the grown up decision to give up your marriage without even trying to save it. She is destroying the life you have lived for years as well as the lives of your children and for what? To be with a former boyfriend!? (Yes, I do believe its more then an EA and I believe that she is sleeping with him).

Sorry but this **** just annoys the hell out of me. I honestly believe that she is having a PA with her ex and I think you need to file for divorce instead of waiting for her to do so. Take control of the situation. I wish you all the best for your future though.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Cloudy78 said:


> I have to agree a little with *worrieddad* as well, the more I think about things, the more I wonder what I would do if she wanted a reconciliation. I'm not too sure if I would, could I trust her again? These are times for serious self-reflection.


You aren't walking into what you had two years ago or a year ago... it's about re-building starting new. If you think it's about returning as it was it won't work.



canguy66 said:


> Again - familiar. I have been thinking the same thing, and that is what has been helping me move forward. *I do not love the woman my wife has become... selfish, self-absorbed, intolerant, etc. I think that is an important realization for you as well.*
> 
> I feel you. Mine said she doesn't think reconciliation is likely, but is still not sure if it's the end. The only possibility of R would be for her to work out issues with her counselor (if she ever sees one), *begin dating again so we can both see how we feel, seeing a new MC to work on communication and past issues, then a slow courtship. In a way, that would be very nice... but the problem is that like you, I'm not sure I could ever trust her again emotionally. *
> 
> ...


I am guessing she wasn't happy either ... so now neither are (or any of us). 

You nailed it on the dating again and slowly working on it.

The question is do you want to work on the marriage. 
I am guessing us Dumpees will have a hard time trusting ANYONE for a while. This one (dumper) we know. The work would be different if it was a new person, but the trust would 
probably still be an issue for us. 

I think if our walkaway spouses have issues and we (at least myself) played a role in them - it will take us both time to heal (if he ever wants to work on it). 

Do any of you have a timeline (deadline) or are you still living day by day?


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## Needin_help (Feb 11, 2012)

Well, been 2 weeks since the news got dumped on me. I've had my ups and downs obviously... I've broken the "rules" and plead with her, tried to guilt her into changing her mind, and cried on the phone to her.

Lately, however, I am feeling much stronger. I am able to talk to others about the situation without breaking down. I am better at avoiding talking to her unless necessary, and I am working on avoiding breaking any of the 180 rules.

I feel it will obviously take me some time to get over this entirely. I am not sure what will happen when I see her for the first time since she told me... not sure what will happen when the divorce is finalized... but at this point I feel that there is no point trying. I've done everything I can. And even if she turned around and said she wanted to try and reconcile, I am not sure that I could trust her.

So... feeling better overall, taking it one day at a time.

P.S. Oh, and as far as what I am doing for myself; I started going back to the gym just over a week ago and started losing weight/building muscle. I have applied for a new position at my company and feel I have a good chance. I have started writing again (writing a novel was one of my goals) and actually plan on finishing this time. So not all bad


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

So she essentially gave up on you because of the financial difficulty you faced. Pretty depressing really.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

worrieddad said:


> With some differences, sounds like you are in a very similar spot to where I have been (and some days, still are, although I'm generally doing ok).
> 
> Whether you should try to fix it or not....I would say, do you truly feel like you've tried everything and it still seems like a no-go? If so, then let her go because there's no point being married to someone who doesn't want to be married to you. I am at a point where I don't think id take my stbx back at the moment....for the reasons you gave about this potentially happening again down the road. I'm sorry to say I have become very hardened off to her; ive got no room for her flakey behavior, and I'm not going to sit around while she potentially goes off and finds someone else. while I am currently still ridiculously amicable with her Im sure it wont always be this way and the only way I can see to lessen potential future heartache is to get myself moved right along and her fully out of my system ASAP.
> 
> Your case does have a lot of room for serious added complications, however, especially given the distance issue with children involved, and you supporting her....on that note bandit45 is spot on with his advice about you moving to. secure your paternal rights, and also your wallet in general; seems to me these things get more ugly when there is one non working spouse.


Needinhelp, I am with worrieddad. 
I understand, I too have worried about rushing into divorce.Like you I love mine, she wants to be friends. I am not feeling it more and more. If I am to find love, I can't stick myself in this situation any more. As for emotional affairs, I wouldn't be surprised if some people don"t realize their "fun" or "friends" are distracting them from what they should be focused on. My wife used to have friends stay over at our place...yeah...


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