# Husband's friendship problem



## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

I need a place to vent regarding my husband's friendship problem regarding a long time female friend of his.

I have posted about this particular female friend on this website.

The two of them became friends in the mid 1990's. Both of them were in their twenties. She also met a male friend of his back then, and the two of them started dating off and on. According to my husband, those two have been doing this for almost 20 years. At one point while my husband's female friend and his male friend were not dating, she and my husband started dating each other. Their dating relationship lasted a little over a month, according to my husband. After they broke up, they chose to be friends. This was long before he and I met.

Sometime last year she and the guy whom she dated off and on for almost 20 years got back together again. My husband and I have been out to dinner with the two of them several times. We have also hung out with the two of them at her place or at his place.

My husband has been on vacation since this past Monday. His female friend is aware of this. His birthday was earlier this week. The day before his birthday he received a call from his male friend **the one who is dating his female friend** regarding our coming over to his place so the four of us could celebrate his birthday. Later that night he called his female friend to see if she knew what time all four of us would get together since his male had not mentioned that information. She told him that his birthday plans were up in the air due to the fact that she did not have the money to celebrate his birthday.

Later on his male friend called him to let him know that he wanted to take him out to lunch on his birthday. I was getting off work the day of his birthday because I had to work 4 hours on Saturday April 11th, and my employer does not pay overtime. So I had to leave work 4 hours early the day of his birthday. I was told this on Tuesday. My husband called his male friend and asked him if he would mind if I came along. His male friend said OK.

While the 3 of us were out to lunch, his female friend called. According to what he told me, she asked him what he was doing. He let her know that the three of us were having lunch because his male friend **her boyfriend** wanted to take him out to lunch. She sounded upset to him when he told her this.

Yesterday he received a text from her asking him 1) if the two of them were still friends since he has not called her this week and 2) why has he not called her this week.

He called her, but she did not answer the phone. So he left a message stating 1) I came home early the day of his birthday, 2) he was not aware that I was coming home early, 3) he asked his male friend if I could come along, and 4) he has been busy.

According to my husband, his female friend gets easily jealous if she is not included in a celebration, get together and so on, which is why he did not tell her what really happened.

I am frustrated at what happened the day of his birthday as well as what happened today.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

So long story short, she got her nose out of joint because she wasn't included in lunch plans? And then asked your husband why he hadn't been in touch? She seems needy and a bit of a drama queen.

My question for you- why does this frustrate you? Is there more here you aren't telling? Are you afraid they are an item? I didn't get that impression from your posts. But something about this annoys you - what is it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> So long story short, she got her nose out of joint because she wasn't included in lunch plans? And then asked your husband why he hadn't been in touch? She seems needy and a bit of a drama queen.
> 
> My question for you- why does this frustrate you? Is there more here you aren't telling? Are you afraid they are an item? I didn't get that impression from your posts. * But something about this annoys you - what is it?*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*PhillyGuy13:*

I do not like the fact that had to lie to her when he left her a message. Why could he not have told her what really happened?

I do not like dealing with drama. Why the need for this?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

He didn't want to deal with her drama. Easier to lie than get castigated for going out without her on his birthday.

I have to admit I'm confused what the actual lie is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> He didn't want to deal with her drama. Easier to lie than get castigated for going out without her on his birthday.
> 
> I have to admit I'm confused what the actual lie is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The fact that he had the change the story on how I was able to have lunch with him and his male friend when he left her a message.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I'm still not seeing the lie. And not sure why the friend is annoyed with either of you. It sounds like her boyfriend is the one who excluded her from the plans.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Husbands problem or are you making it your problem?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

It sounds to me like they've all been very close friends for years, who hang out together regularly, and it feels like she was excluded, for whatever reason, from the kind of group celebration that you'd all typically do together.

I completely understand why she would feel upset and left out. And why your husband would diminish the impact of her exclusion. 

But then again I also think friendship is very important and marriage doesn't, and shouldn't, nullify or diminish your previous friendships. De-prioritize them? Yes. But great, close friendships are a blessing and I don't believe the feelings of friends should be taken lightly just for the sake of matrimony.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

intheory said:


> I don't hold with opposite sex friends after marriage... after you get married,you have long standing acquaintances. Old friends' role diminishes; for both genders.


This is absolutely the antithesis of how my wife and I view marriage and friendship. I couldn't disagree more if you paid me to. 

I respect if this works for your hubs and you, absolutely. That's what matters. It's just not universally good advice. For people who don't look at friendship as a light thing to be so easily demoted, it could cause major issues in those people's lives.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

This lunch celebration was intended for your husband and his male friend only. You happened to tag along as your husband wanted you with him. I commend your husband for including you.

The problem is with your husband's male friend. He elected not to invite his girlfriend. I don't think that you should get upset. This is a problem of their relationship.

I don't see a problem with your marriage. Keep being a lover and friend to your husband. You both seem to be in a good stage in your relationship.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I guess it couldn't hurt to tell you to look up the book, "Not Just Friends". I'm not saying there is an affair, but this book will help you figure that out and deal with it, if you find one.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> My husband has been on vacation since this past Monday. His female friend is aware of this. His birthday was earlier this week. The day before his birthday he received a call from his male friend *the one who is dating his female friend* regarding our coming over to his place so the four of us could celebrate his birthday. Later that night he called his female friend to see if she knew what time all four of us would get together since his male had not mentioned that information. *She told him that his birthday plans were up in the air due to the fact that she did not have the money to celebrate his birthday.*


I would explore this bit.
1) She is apparently not in the loop.
2) What kind of work does she do that she can't afford the odd lunch here and there?
3) Why didn't her boyfriend offer to pay ..... but then, this may relate back to no.1.

It does sound as if your husband is trying to maintain a balancing act with this woman. but sometimes, one's defenses can be worn down, so keep watch as to how much your husband and she interact one on one.

Would she or your husband be offended if you ever contacted her boyfriend directly?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

jaquen said:


> It sounds to me like they've all been very close friends for years, who hang out together regularly, and it feels like she was excluded, for whatever reason, from the kind of group celebration that you'd all typically do together.
> 
> I completely understand why she would feel upset and left out. And why your husband would diminish the impact of her exclusion.
> 
> *But then again I also think friendship is very important and marriage doesn't, and shouldn't, nullify or diminish your previous friendships.* De-prioritize them? Yes. But great, close friendships are a blessing and I don't believe the feelings of friends should be taken lightly just for the sake of matrimony.


Sadly, there are some friends who take it as a dare to tear down a marriage, all in the name of "I only wanted the best for you."


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> Sadly, there are some friends who take it as a dare to tear down a marriage, all in the name of "I only wanted the best for you."


Friends, relatives, coworkers, exes, children or anyone who thinks they know what's best, think they are better for you, are in lust with you, think you are weak and a good chance for some extramarital "fun", or have a grudge. 

No one, but a counselor should be allowed in your marriage. Going to a ball game once in a while with some friends who are safe enough to trust to just be interested in the game or something similar is good for the marriage. Going out with singles is not so good. Hanging out with those in a tumultuous marriage is no good for the marriage. 

This is not an exhaustive list, so I'm stopping there, but you get the idea.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

spunkycat08 said:


> I need a place to vent regarding my husband's friendship problem regarding a long time female friend of his.
> 
> I have posted about this particular female friend on this website.
> 
> ...


If she was excluded from something she would normally be part of then she probably got the hump, however what business is it of your husband's? This is something she should be discussing with her 'boyfriend', she seems a bit too close for comfort to your husband, in my opinion. What exactly are you worried about, gut, vibes, etc?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I'm confused. Are you perturbed because it was a lie, by a very long long long stretch if you ask me, by omission? Sorry, I am not seeing where he lied. He told her a truthful summary.

It was supposed to be a bro only birthday lunch, you got off work early, he included you, which was awesome by the way and his female friend became needy because she wasn't included. So the lie is he didn't tell her she wasn't invited by her boyfriend?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I'm confused. Are you perturbed because it was a lie, by a very long long long stretch if you ask me, by omission? Sorry, I am not seeing where he lied. He told her a truthful summary.
> 
> It was supposed to be a bro only birthday lunch, you got off work early, he included you, which was awesome by the way and his female friend became needy because she wasn't included. So the lie is he didn't tell her she wasn't invited by her boyfriend?



This is likely to be a big dent in her ego. And it may also signal a problem in their relationship. A very good reason to be more careful regarding this woman.

ETA: This woman may feel that she has more standing to be at the b-day lunch than the wife, simply because she has known the husband longer. "Friends" can be come quite territorial.

OP, does your husband's friend normally do something for your husband on his b-day?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Yep, don't get crazy, but just make a mental note and let it go after telling him how you feel about it and what you hoped he would do.


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

My husband was able to talk to his female friend today. Apparently she was upset because when she called him, he was busy paying for his lunch, and he had to quickly end their conversation. She felt that he had rushed her off the phone, and she wondered if we were mad at her.

So apparently that is the reason for her text yesterday.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> Sadly, there are some friends who take it as a dare to tear down a marriage, all in the name of "I only wanted the best for you."


And we've encountered one or two former friends like that.

Note the "former".


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

spunkycat08 said:


> My husband was able to talk to his female friend today. Apparently she was upset because when she called him, he was busy paying for his lunch, and he had to quickly end their conversation. She felt that he had rushed her off the phone, and she wondered if we were mad at her.
> 
> So apparently that is the reason for her text yesterday.


So much ado about nothing.


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

jaquen said:


> So much ado about nothing.


On whose part?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

jaquen said:


> And we've encountered one or two former friends like that.
> 
> *Note the "former"*.


Glad you dealt with it to your satisfaction. Some people may believe that those whom they have known the longest are the most loyal.

When I was dating my future husband, he tried to justify his friend's advice as well what friends do for one another. He only knew her 3 months more then he knew me.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> Glad you dealt with it to your satisfaction. Some people may believe that those whom they have known the longest are the most loyal.
> 
> When I was dating my future husband, he tried to justify his friend's advice as well what friends do for one another. He only knew her 3 months more then he knew me.


Time means nothing when it's so difficult to really know another person's intentions, thoughts and desires. I agree with jaquen, but I also see your point. I had a third point to make. 

A friend from years ago considered me as not his friend, and decided to have sex with my second wife. He was very proud of himself for his "achievement". All friends should be suspect, at all times.


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

Too much explanation for a f-r-i-e-n-d, when her bf already explained it to her. Ok I get it, she wanted more clarification from the source. But, she sounds insecure and needy. Does she still have a thing for your H deep down? Has she ever been married? Sounds like an unstable person. Ok maybe I'm being too harsh...I think your H should take a break from this friendship and just keep a distance for a little while, and see how that goes. She will prb be stalker-ish at first but hpf it'll die down


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

Angelou said:


> Too much explanation for a f-r-i-e-n-d, when her bf already explained it to her. OK I get it, she wanted more clarification from the source. But, she sounds insecure and needy. Does she still have a thing for your H deep down? Has she ever been married? Sounds like an unstable person. OK maybe I'm being too harsh...I think your H should take a break from this friendship and just keep a distance for a little while, and see how that goes. She will probable be stalkerish at first but hopefully it'll die down


She is not the only female friend of my husband who is/was insecure and needy. He *had *another female friend who was also like this. This particular female friend was interested in him as more than a friend, but she never told him this. He became friends with her shortly before the two of us began dating. She wanted his help with a problem regarding the guy she was dating at the time, who happened to be a friend of his. She also wanted his help with other personal problems. She spent more time with him than I did while we were dating. She would call him as well as text him while the two of us were spending time together. She would ask him to come over to his place because she had to talk to him about a problem/problems she was having. This happened a lot. It got to the point that her behavior interfered in our relationship.

The reason why I know that she was interested in him as more than a friend....

She invited him over to her place for lunch while we were in a serious dating relationship, which she was aware of
She invited him over to her place for dinner while we were in a serious dating relationship
She called him several times over several months to come over to her place because she needed to talk to him about a problem/problems
She would leave her personal belongings at his place
She wanted his help with small projects as well. Projects that she can complete on her own.
She invited him over to her place just to hang out while we were in a serious dating relationship.

Their friendship ended for a reason. 

Needy insecure people get on my nerves.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Spunky, we don't whether those 2 women are needy and insecure or not. What I have noticed over the years is that sometimes that approach gets results. 

I've been in triangles, friends, classmates, whether an intermediary will go to bat and say, "she thinks you're mad at her." Oh dear. And I wonder, why does this person feel the need to do this woman's bidding.

Don't be surprised if this woman tells your husband -- and he in turn tells you -- that she thinks you're mad at her. Think about how you might manage that scenario,


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

spunkycat08 said:


> She is not the only female friend of my husband who is/was insecure and needy. He *had *another female friend who was also like this. This particular female friend was interested in him as more than a friend, but she never told him this. He became friends with her shortly before the two of us began dating. She wanted his help with a problem regarding the guy she was dating at the time, who happened to be a friend of his. She also wanted his help with other personal problems. She spent more time with him than I did while we were dating. She would call him as well as text him while the two of us were spending time together. She would ask him to come over to his place because she had to talk to him about a problem/problems she was having. This happened a lot. It got to the point that her behavior interfered in our relationship.
> 
> 
> The reason why I know that she was interested in him as more than a friend....
> ...


What. in. the. world.....you must be a really cool wife, or.....
Whatever works for your marriage, works for ya'll. But sounds like these things bother you a bit? I know they would bother me, but yet I'm a different person. I voice when I don't like something, my H would tell you maybe a little too much sometimes haha  but I do let it be known if I'm not into something. Do you feel comfortable with your H having these friends that he knows or does not know they "used" to like him? Would he like it if you had guy friends that "used" to like you? Probably nottttt.


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

Angelou said:


> What. in. the. world.....you must be a really cool wife, or.....
> Whatever works for your marriage, works for ya'll. But sounds like these things bother you a bit? I know they would bother me, but yet I'm a different person. I voice when I don't like something, my H would tell you maybe a little too much sometimes haha  but I do let it be known if I'm not into something. Do you feel comfortable with your H having these friends that he knows or does not know they "used" to like him? Would he like it if you had guy friends that "used" to like you? Probably nottttt.


*Angelou*

The particular female friend mentioned in the reply you quoted is no longer a friend of my husband. When we got engaged, I let him know that I could not continue our engagement without there being changes in their friendship dynamic. He understood why and was willing to make those changes. She was not. So their friendship ended.

As of now his long time female friend has not bothered him.


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## Tubbalard (Feb 8, 2015)

His friend is a lurker. When females start asking emotional questions like "are you mad" or "are we still friends". They're in their feelings.

Wise words from Rev. X.. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8qs5hPmSBs


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I would let it go if I were you. If you've stated your opinion on his way of dealing with her tanty, then no more needs to be said. A small issues requires only a small reaction.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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