# 2 years after the EA, still in question. Help.



## MountainViewer (Oct 16, 2021)

Hello all-
First, I appreciate the insight and support from the community. Thank you. 

I've been with my wife since we were 19 (college sweethearts /16 years together / 7 years married), were both now in our mid 30s. A couple years ago I noticed she was dealing with some depression, something completely new to both of us. She was drawing away, had lost interest in anything but her phone and showing other signs that made me become alert to keep my eyes peeled for infidelity. 

Upon borrowing her laptop at home, I stumbled upon a recent screenshot from a text with an old co worker who lives across the country. The screenshot detailed they liked each other, the other man mentioning he was falling in love with her & an inside joke from her about the size of his ****. 

Once I confronted her, she confessed although it took days to actually get his name (a mutual friend). I left for the weekend to gather my thoughts and upon returning gave an ultimatum that she would need to attend therapy to address the depression which would simultaneously give me the confidence she can openly communicate her feelings. She agreed and we began building things back. 

2 weeks later I found she was still texting him and 8 months after that had to ask her to quit liking his posts on social media as it seemed to maintain an open door to the emotional affair. I truly felt I was drug through the mud with the situation, a wound that was left bleeding vs cut clean.

Since initially finding out 2 years ago, I have had 2 rounds of therapy sessions as an attempt to ease intrusive thoughts and hyper vigilance and she has had none. I find myself still researching how to improve my mental health on the situation and move on, she has never even looked at a website on the topic.

She since has shown sincere remorse and regret from the event. She has moved on and would like me to do the same.

Deep down, I want this marriage so much. She is so beautiful, sexy, fun and does a great job of keeping my interest. We travel the world together, have a mortgage, great sex life & all other elements feel great. We both agree we still envision us growing old together. I chalk some of it up to simply growing up together since we were teenagers and her replacing needed martial emotions with someone else (she felt ignored).

But I cannot stop the worrying, pessimistic thoughts and incessant hypotheticals. I have become a helicopter partner and have the foresight to know if i don't stop, it will naturally push her away. 

So what Im asking is, through user experiences, _how have you moved on?_ To truly forgive but not forget. I understand things will never feel perfect like the once did but truly feel this marriage and person is worth the effort. But I am terrified the EA will never allow me to move forward as I will always question our trust and communication, which I know is fundamental to any healthy relationship.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I think that subconsciously you feel like she walked over you on numerous occasions and got away scot free. Which is true, she did. 
And you’re possibly wondering how far she did go and did it really end when she said.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Infidelity: the gift that keeps on giving.

your problem is cognitive dissonance.
You want to forgive and forget. Yet your logic side of your brain tells you she did it once, she’ll do it again. There’s no fixing that. But in time, you might learn to live with it better.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

MountainViewer said:


> Hello all-
> First, I appreciate the insight and support from the community. Thank you.
> 
> I've been with my wife since we were 19 (college sweethearts /16 years together / 7 years married), were both now in our mid 30s. A couple years ago I noticed she was dealing with some depression, something completely new to both of us. She was drawing away, had lost interest in anything but her phone and showing other signs that made me become alert to keep my eyes peeled for infidelity.
> ...


Infidelity is a life long gift. The capability is there for her to do it again. Repeats happen.
Sounds like you’re trying to rugsweep so you can stay in this.
You can’t fix her and make her a safe partner. She would have to do that.
Quit putting the cart before the the horse. Your wayward wife is the problem.
You’re only a chump if you allow it.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

maybe polygraph?
your lingering fear is that she is still communicating with this guy, or maybe some other guy. 
if she is asked when the last time she communicated with this guy, and if there have been any others, and if there has been a single instance in the last 2 years....and if she comes back cleared, you probably can start to trust her again.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You say it was an EA, how do you know that?

How does she know anything about his penis?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Do you think she told you everything?


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## MountainViewer (Oct 16, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Do you think she told you everything?


Not the gritty details of the conversations but do feel timelines and emotions are accurate. She is embarrassed about the situation and often refers to it as a period of pitiful desperation. Since then, she has found herself within a new career and friend group that makes her exponentially happier. I see no signs of depression or wayward actions from our marriage.



ConanHub said:


> You say it was an EA, how do you know that?
> 
> How does she know anything about his penis?


The guy moved away from our city 5+ years before this happened, 2500 miles away. I truly believe there was nothing physical, only emotive as to fill a depressive void. All the same, will admit if not caught when I did, I believe meet ups could have happened with more time. On the topic of his penis, I assumed there was sexting and flirting.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

With what you have said about her life in your last post @MountainViewer I think you need to let it go and move on but always silently keep an eye on things. Best of luck!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MountainViewer said:


> Not the gritty details of the conversations but do feel timelines and emotions are accurate. She is embarrassed about the situation and often refers to it as a period of pitiful desperation. Since then, she has found herself within a new career and friend group that makes her exponentially happier. I see no signs of depression or wayward actions from our marriage.
> 
> 
> 
> The guy moved away from our city 5+ years before this happened, 2500 miles away. I truly believe there was nothing physical, only emotive as to fill a depressive void. All the same, will admit if not caught when I did, I believe meet ups could have happened with more time. On the topic of his penis, I assumed there was sexting and flirting.


So have you never asked her about the sexting?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

She since has shown sincere remorse and regret from the event. She has moved on and would like me to do the same.

If she has made comments about you needing to get past it....she is not very remorseful...i would poly her. If she makes cracks about his big dik...she has seen it or more. How can you be certain she did not have a little sumthin going when they were working together prior. Hence the poly. Guy is not going to be professing love after a few texts. There is more to know here.

If she had used FB and social media for the cpmmunication with him....she would be carrying a frealing flip phone.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Be careful about chicks telling you they have depression when they suddenly start acting all moody and mopey and not wanting to do things with you. 

I had an old GF back in the day that suddenly turned cold and was acting all moody and mopey and distant. When I asked if everything was ok she gave me the classic old, "it's not you, it's me" song and dance and then told me she was having some depression and emotional issues and was going through a rough patch personally etc but swore up and down she loved me and wanted to be with me yadda yadda yadda. 

I turned into WonderBF and would bring her flowers and rub her back and her feet and would swear my love and allegiance and told her she could call me and count on me day and night and I was her dancing monkey and errand boy and junior therapist all rolled into one. 

Then one day she gave me the "I Love You But Not In Love With You" and said she needed "space" (another classic) and that she needed to get her head cleared up and straightened out etc etc and then the tears were flowing and that we had had a great time etc etc

A week later she was with some other dude and was partying it up and happy as a lark and all was well - with her. 

So long story short, this "depression" was all ******** and red herring to throw me off. She wasn't clinically depressed, she was just unhappy being with me and was wanting to be with someone else. 

It's happened other times pretty much just like that and I've seen it countless times with other people and here on this site. 

People use depression and confusion and mental issues and such as a smoke screen to hide their bad behavior or as an excuse. 

They'll basically say, "I was depressed and had a lot on my mind and didn't know what to do so I did my hair, painted my nails, put on too much make up, squeezed into that little black cocktail dress and uncomfortable heels and when this guy at the bar bought me too many drinks, one thing lead to another and I don't know what I was thinking and I feel terrible now." 

Yeah, YOU feel terrible and depressed??? How do you think I feel now?? 

Now to be fair, some people do have issues with actual depression. That's usually kind of a chronic ongoing thing that waxes and wanes over time. 

But in my experience, when life has been good and all has been well and some chick suddenly turns cold and starts saying she's depressed..... it's usually because she is bummed she is spending Saturday night with you when she'd rather be out banging Chad. 

A week after dumping you and getting with Chad she's happy as a clam. That ain't depression.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

To move on? 

I’ve seen lots of affairs happen and these emotional/internet things are devastating in this new age. In a way, it’s a lot worse than a physical affair because the escapism and fantasy is so accessible, yet so unreal it’s astounding how people are living out love affairs on a screen. It’s that crazy. 

Like with any affair. Policing and insisting the person gets help is truly a waste. Ideally, the minute you stop being a helicopter, your life will change forever. Stop asking her questions, I’m fact, stop questioning yourself too! You’re never going to know the truth. But the truth is this: your significant other stopped loving you and was in love with someone else. 

So why fry your brain over this? I do recommend learning a new language: a difficult one with a difficult alphabet. Why? You are going to exhaust your mind, the hobby probably isn’t going to be a fun one… yet! And you are completely forced to learn something new. It’s mentally challenging and exhausting, wait for it, just like what this affair is doing to you. Except that there is something to gain. A lot to gain. You’re simply going to have less time to focus on that person. The mind movies, the endless questions, the triggers, etc. This is a start. 

You will notice as time goes by how stupid and pointless policing that addict is going to be. Yes it’s an addiction. You don’t lose your mind and life over someone pushing needles into their arm, watching their bank account, wondering if they made it to work, ate dinner or paid their rent. Same thing applies. Let them hit rock bottom, let them fix themselves, or not. 

Sanity is so so precious. Let her lose hers. You will end up clinically depressed. (What she had was not clinical depression - that is a serious condition that leaves you unable to function. If a person who is clinically depressed can manage an affair, then I’d be confident they were feeling healthier). Different story if she ended up unable to work, shower, speak or function in her daily life, but again, the catalyst would be the ending of the affair or the shock/reality of her situation. Most people in an affair can manage to shower and look pretty good for a selfie. It’s usually not depression. 

So don’t let yourself look at her phone or laptop anymore.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Divinely Favored said:


> If she has made comments about you needing to get past it....she is not very remorseful...


Unfortunately she really doesn't understand how her EA, her infidelity, has created a chasm of distrust that isn't healed by hope or time. It might never be healed, and she has to understand that suggesting *you *need to get past it doesn't make things better, but rather, potentially much worse. It may largely be a defense mechanism that keeps her from reliving the experience in a way that she actually learns from it. She may have ended things but not dealt with the root issues that caused it, and could cause it again. The pain it causes her should result in self-examination but instead she blame-shifts. 

It's really normal behavior and not brought up appropriately in marriage counseling because they try to hard to be "fair" and not make it seem like the blame is largely on one side.


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## Imnobodynew (Feb 11, 2016)

Does she want you to rug sweep? If she lied to your face by omission, can you really be sure she didn't have a pa? You know why cheaters want you to get past it?
1 they haven't told you eveything, and they don't want it to come out because of how it would make them look. She could have virtual sexed on video?

2. They don't want to have to out in the hard work to change ! You know what that means? It will happen again.. Or worse it has happen and you don't know about it.

3 they are more worried about what other people think the about you feel.

4 they give a damn about you.. Just themselves. Like how they cheated in the first place.


You know how you deal with this? Walk forward with or without your cheating so. Set boundaries on how she will treat you. Or she will treat you worse then she is now, next time... And you will have lost even more of your life.

There are methods to resolve and rebuild trust but it takes the two of you.


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

How have I moved on? By divorcing her. Never knew how awesome life could be until I got rid of her.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

MountainViewer said:


> The guy moved away from our city 5+ years before this happened, 2500 miles away. I truly believe there was nothing physical, only emotive as to fill a depressive void. All the same, will admit if not caught when I did, I believe meet ups could have happened with more time. On the topic of his penis, I assumed there was sexting and flirting.


He was a mutual friend and her co-worker? It could have been physical prior to him moving away, then they reconnected and the EA happened. Context on the penis joke would reveal more.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Did she send him nude pics? Those can turn up anywhere at the most inopportune time.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

the problem with these EA's is that they tend to destroy real relationships. thru the magic of the internet, you can have contact for the emotional and sexual things, but make up the rest of it (those nasty personality traits that are so hard to live with in real life). So the EA fog grows, they are in love, and you as the faithful spouse suffer--less sex, no attention, dealing with your spouse's bad attitude.

If only the EA's had positive benefits, that would be great! Spouse has sexting with their EA, gets so horny from it they come in and jump your bones for 24 hours straight, doing all sorts of kinky things you have been asking for for months! Now THAT type of EA would be much easier to take.

but instead, spouse gets off of sexting, then avoids you for the next 24 hours, possibly while masturbating themselves while fantasizing about how great it would be to live with their EA partner.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

MountainViewer said:


> Not the gritty details of the conversations but do feel timelines and emotions are accurate. She is embarrassed about the situation and often refers to it as a period of pitiful desperation. Since then, she has found herself within a new career and friend group that makes her exponentially happier. I see no signs of depression or wayward actions from our marriage.
> 
> 
> 
> The guy moved away from our city 5+ years before this happened, 2500 miles away. I truly believe there was nothing physical, only emotive as to fill a depressive void. All the same, will admit if not caught when I did, I believe meet ups could have happened with more time. On the topic of his penis, I assumed there was sexting and flirting.


You’re still not secure in this marriage because your gut knows there’s more to this but you’re struggling mightily to rug sweep and to deny the holes in the story. About their shared joke about his junk. You “assume” it was from sexting? You need to 100% confirm that. It could be that their affair started back when he was local 5 years ago but then went dormant. It is very common for affairs to die off and then restart months and even years later. Are you sure they didn’t meet up in all this time? Guys will jump on a plane for a sure thing and from the sounds of it, your wife was a sure thing for him. In the slight chance that they never physically hooked up, was she have virtual sex with him using an app like Skype? 

In order to forgive, you really need to know what it is you’re forgiving. As it stands now, it looks like there’s a lot of hopeful assumptions on your part. And please don’t buy the she was depressed bit. It is so commonly used that it’s sickening.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

You absolutely need to know what you are forgiving before you forgive it.

How would she know about the size of his penis if she hadn't seen it.

This sounds like much more than an EA.

Is this guy married? Have you talked to his wife?


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

The fact that she was still communicating with and following him on social media tells how much respect she has for you and your marriage.

I would be very careful not to get her pregnant at the moment.

You should recover deleted texts, check your old phone bills, and threaten a poly (fake an appointment) to get a parking lot confession.

I can tell she was on pedestal in your mind, which was probably the way we all view our wives, but you need to realize who she is based on her actions, not her words... and she no longer deserves to be on that pedestal at all. You really need to take a look at everything from the angle that she is likely a cheater.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

It doesn't appear she is as invested in overcoming her infidelity as much as you.

You have tried to work through it and sought professional mental help while she just wants to move on?

That's a big non starter right there.

She needs to learn the terms "True remorse" and "Heavy lifting". 


Her mess and destruction is mostly on her to fix.

You have work if you want to reconcile but not the lion's share.


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## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> Be careful about chicks telling you they have depression when they suddenly start acting all moody and mopey and not wanting to do things with you.
> 
> I had an old GF back in the day that suddenly turned cold and was acting all moody and mopey and distant. When I asked if everything was ok she gave me the classic old, "it's not you, it's me" song and dance and then told me she was having some depression and emotional issues and was going through a rough patch personally etc but swore up and down she loved me and wanted to be with me yadda yadda yadda.
> 
> ...


This speaks to me the most. Not that my opinion is golden standard. EA is cheating and just as bad if not worse than a physical fling. People need to quit making excuses for their spouse, SO, lover, etc. Get your mojo back and independence. Stop being codependent!!! It works both ways. Women get this done to them as well but it's definitely overlooked with men and we break down and automatically give control. What did I do wrong, why did she do this, I am depressed, yada yada. You (man/woman) matter and someone that cheats is not worth your life or connection. Trust me, more will be uncovered like secret finances, more men in her life, talking trash behind your back, etc. I would move on. Sociopaths are dangerous.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Zombie Thread


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