# She Cheated, I Left, Why Am I Being So Nice



## Scribe (Mar 21, 2013)

I need some advice. Last summer my wife asked me for a separation. I figured this was coming, we'd really never been that good together for the last 12 years. If we didn't have two kids together, it probably would not have lasted that long. So, we faced the kids and I moved out.

Since I've been gone, I figured out and confirmed she was having an affair with a contractor, turned "friend" of mine. I am in the Navy and was gone a lot the year before we broke up. During that time, his six week job turned into a year long project. He befriended me and my wife befriended his wife and for a time, we did a lot of stuff together. Honestly, I didn't think that much of it at the time, despite what the gossips were saying. Plus, when I did confront her, she denied, denied.

Well, like I said, I left and have been extremely generous with her. Letting her stay in the house and giving her a more than adequate allowance. I did this, while I lived with a roommate, like a 20 something. I was digging a financial hole fast, while her life barely changed. For a while, I didn't mind because I rationalized that the break up was not really her fault or mine, we just didn't love each other, so I could suffer for a while.

Then I began to figure out that the two of them had an affair and that it started while I still lived in the house. So, now I'm thinking, she didn't ask for a separation because we were broke; she asked for it so she would be free to carry on with this guy. By the way, my "friend", her lover, quit hanging out with me immediately after I left and about a month after I left, he left his wife (clue #1).

So, now I feel like she has totally taken me for a big fat ride. I having thoughts like kicking her out of the house and taking custody of the kids. I think her lust broke up my family and she is the one who doesn't deserve to be in it any more.

I never cheated, even though I had opportunities. I always treated her like gold, even though I never really loved her with all my heart. I guess I don't really blame her for cheating but darn it, I feel like if that is what she wants, she should have been the one to leave, not me. She really shouldn't have her cake, etc. etc.

She doesn't know that I know but it keeps me up at night. I am destroyed over here and fast approaching financial ruin.

Any advice?

Scribe


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Stop being so nice,sell the house lawyer up and get evidence of her cheating for your lawyer.She cheated on you.
Do the 180.Read up on it her on TAM

Take care of yourself first.Your worth it.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Distance, too nice, treat her better than she thinks she deserves, manly 'contractor'...gee...

Your self image means you want to see yourself as a 'good guy'.

Well...women don't see it that way. Clark Gable didn't treat women like gold. He treated them like women. He got more pvssy than you can believe.

So...figure out YOUR needs...and do them. Make the calls necessary to stop this fiscal ruin. Also, reveal this information to her parents. They will need to be there for her when her life (and more importantly, the kids' lives) fall apart. Plus she doesn't get to just move 'Studly' into your daddy role without getting a LOT of angry glances from Mom and Dad.

Repeat after me. "I owe her nothing." "She choose this life, not me." "She has left ME! I did not leave her."

The minute she asked for a seperation and cheated, it realigned everything. You need to grasp that fact.

Here is your new 'needs' chart.

Kids (this is NOT shorthand for 'doing things for her with the excuse of the kids' And it's NEEDS, not WANTS. They WANT to stay in the same house and school...they NEED an education and a place to live. Two seperate things)

You

Your Parents

Friends

Single Hot women (non-wife)

Neighbors you like

People you are mildly accquainted with.

Pretty people you see on the street.

Ugly people you meet on the street.
.
.
.
.
Wife.


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## nunikit (Mar 20, 2013)

Dude.... She has been playing you like a chump.

Screw that crap.... I would move back into the house and re-establish yourself there. And show her where the exit sign is asap. 

Take care of your kids, she isn't one of them.

If she wants to lay on her back and give it up for another man, not on your dime and in your house that your paying for. 

From a woman's perspective, I'm ashamed.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

He's playing himself.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Get back into YOUR house, boot her out of the marital bedroom, put whatever is left of the marital funds, in an account with only your name on it---cancel all her CC's------tell her she is now responsible for half of all bills, car, home, insurances, necessities of living, child care---everything, and file for D.

Sue, in civil court her lover, for Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

illwill said:


> He's playing himself.


a nice guy............
but for what?

She had the A, she have the nerve to introduce OM to op then they did stuff together while she slept with OM on OPs marital bed. She is still screwing OM and OP is still paying for it.
What a disrespect she showed to OP but he is still playing the nice guy and paying for her sexfest with OM in his home on his bed.

She made OP a great cuckold, OM and her will be laughing their a$$ of by telling this.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Get your A$$ back to the house. Separate your finances, get a lawyer and kick her out. 

By the way you should get a voice recorder and put it in your pocket before you head home and record your confrontation with her. Just in case she tries something stupid. Don't wuss out and let her get her way or try to convince you that nothing happened. She will put on a performance of a life time to make you doubt yourself. DON'T LET HER PLAY YOU FOR A FOOL AGAIN. The contractor is not your friend and will only tell you lies to cover his a$$. MAN UP!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Check out the possibility of sueing him over the work he did too.

Download and read this book as fast as possible.

The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books

It will show you where things went wrong and how to fix this for your next relationship if not for this one. (It is not a sex manual, just oddly named).


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Her actions showed she had absolutely no respect for you. If you don't respect yourself then who will? Tell her the gravy train has stopped.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How did you find out? Does she know you know? 

Everyone is right, move back in and make her leave the marital bedroom if you can't get her to move out. You didn't breake up the family, she did.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Scribe sorry you are here and thank you for your service. This is a way to common story for out soldier and sailors. Get to your Chaplain right away. He can help with the IC you are going to need and the financial side as well. He can stop any money coming out of your checks to her.

You need to stop being the nice guy. Are there any kids involved? It sounds like you are deployed or at sea. Get emails or calls out to your family and hers about the A, bust it open.

It sounds like you do not want to R so lawyer up as quick as you can and get the money in your name only.

You also need to get checked for STD's again your Chaplain can help with that as well. Just let him know what a tramp your wife has been and you are concerned.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Scribe:

I am the one who cheated and I gave my wife more than the lawyers wanted to give. 

Your wife should have done the same. 

Talk to an attorney pronto, learn your rights. Also, get proof of the affair. 

The thing that scares me is your wife seems to feel no guilt or remorse. 

She should have been willing to take far less because of the affair.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Scribe, you said how bad your marriage was since the get go. Why are you still feeding this thing. Moving out and self sacrificing ain't going to improve nothing. You've put your own self on a guilt trip and you're just underwriting her boyfriends expenses. What do you think you need to do? (notwithstanding the affair, the marriage wasn't bringing either of you happiness)


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## Scribe (Mar 21, 2013)

Thanks everyone. When you are in the middle of this stuff is really is hard to see the forest for the trees. It is so nice to hear some sympathetic tough love. For the purpose of the discussion, I will clarify a couple of things.

1. As far as I can tell, they no longer liaison in the family home, they now use his apartment.
2. She does not know that I know, I play stupid on purpose but I have pictures and video.
3. We're probably selling the house in May. So, while I want confrontation and to settle this once and for all, I am thinking about waiting until I'm out from under the house. I REALLY don't want drama regarding who gets to live in the house around my children.

Speaking of children, lately, I've been seriously considering making a move to become the primary custodian of the kids. Although I am military, my deployment days are behind me, so I could provide stability (they are 9 and 11). I begin to drool when I think about just having to take care of my responsibilities and not her wardrobe. 

I mean during past periods when I cared for the children for a week or so, I established firm routines and rules (remember career Navy) while still managing to have fun with them. They always seemed happier after a couple of days then when left to her random style.

So, any Dads out there that took the kids? Advice?

Thanks all, this is really great.

Scribe


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Check out a website called dadsdivorce.com I think. Good idea getting custody, at least they will have one good parent.

BTW have you read MMSLP? The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books


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