# Got engaged 4 months ago, Wedding planning is splitting our relationship apart



## 408photographer (Aug 18, 2017)

Hello Everyone, 

After 5 years of being in a relationship with my girlfriend, I finally proposed to her in April. We purchased a house last September and have been living together for almost 5 years now. Financially, we live paycheck to paycheck but I would say we live an ok life. The problem has become my fiancee does not want to spend a lot of money on a wedding. In fact she does not want a wedding at all. She is happily content just signing the legal doc and moving on. A guys dream. If anything, she would rather travel to Europe instead of having a wedding. The problem is I do want a wedding. I'm a photographer, and having photographed many weddings, I have secretly been looking forward to one day celebrating our marriage with all of our family and loved ones. She is one of 8 siblings and only 2 of them have had a wedding, so it seems weddings are not as important to her as they are to me.

I work two jobs, which has allowed me to save some money for the wedding*. But as you know, weddings are expensive and I am still well short of my goal. And since my fiancee's income does not allow extra room to save, all of the costs of the wedding will fall on my shoulders. And i'm ok with that. But she still argues with me that it's a waste of money to spend 15-17k on a wedding. I see the memories that will be created that day, she sees the money spent. This has led to pretty bad arguments every time we touch the subject.

I dont know what to do. I feel if i give in and dont have the wedding, I will regret it for the rest of my life. But I know that she is not a peoples person and having a social gathering is not of her interest. And If i continue to work extra, save money and push for the wedding, she will not put any effort of her part since she does nto care for it. What do we do?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I am like you finance and if my future husband spent 15-17K on one day I don't think I could marry him honestly. I just find them so pointless and such a waste of money and like your wife, I am not a people person and would be miserable anyway. 

That money could go to so many more important (IMO) things and I just can not see the point. 

Why not meet in the middle and have something small and inexpensive? Go to a park and have just closest family and a JP and some nice clothes? The memories are from the experience of marrying your love, not the fancy food and flowers.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

$15-17k is a nice down payment on a home. But that is just me and my logical thinking. Recommend a small wedding at a budgeted cost. $5k. Make it work. 

BTW, I find this a real turn of the table. I cannot quite say I know a guy who was more engaged in having a wedding than you.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@408photographer, 

You are entering into a marriage commitment with her, so that means that you VOLUNTEER to always work on things together as a team, and you VOLUNTEER to always live your life considering her and her opinion. You will no longer be "single"--you will be part of a team of two. Therefore, every decision that is made should be MUTUAL and both of you should willingly and earnestly agree. YOU don't make a decision without her, and SHE doesn't make a decision without you. 

Currently, you have voiced your opinion/hope/preference for having a $15-20K wedding (which sounds like a fairly big shindig), and she had voiced her opinion/hope/preference for having no wedding (I'm guessing...civil service?). As someone who is marrying, this isn't about "YOU" and getting your needs met anymore...it's about you meeting HER needs and her meeting YOUR needs. You are going to be MARRIED, not two single people living in close proximity!

So I would recommend that you two agree to a time to talk about it, and the "agenda" of the talk would be to brainstorm alternatives. I would say that both of you accept that you aren't going to get "your way"--you probably won't get the whole big wedding you are dreaming of, and she probably won't get the two of you in jeans going to the courthouse. Okaaaaaaay... well if that is how it is in real life, what might be something you could live with? For example, she may say she could live with using the $15k for a trip to Europe and getting married in a wedding gown and tux in a castle...you both get a little of what you want. You may say you could live with inviting the families to join you in Las Vegas and having a chapel destination wedding...then cruising the Vegas strip! You two may agree to inviting 10 people each, going to Hawaii, and having a nice dress, a new suit, and a friend marry you. See what I mean? There are alternatives that might be acceptable to both of you. 

But the biggest overall lesson is this: You are NOT going to force her to do it your way....she is not going to force you to do it her way (which is setting you guys up as opposing each other: you against her), but rather you are starting off your marriage together and you'll resolved this "wedding" difference TOGETHER so that it is YOU & HER against The Issue. Don't start your married life trying to be controlling or allowing yourself to be controlled. Set up this first, major issue as a template for all the other issues to come: WE will address this together and stay on the same side...WE will not make any decision until we are both happy with it and in complete agreement...WE will discipline ourselves to think of the other...and WE will tackle this together!


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

408photographer said:


> Hello Everyone,
> 
> After 5 years of being in a relationship with my girlfriend, I finally proposed to her in April. We purchased a house last September and have been living together for almost 5 years now. Financially, we live paycheck to paycheck but I would say we live an ok life. The problem has become my fiancee does not want to spend a lot of money on a wedding. In fact she does not want a wedding at all. She is happily content just signing the legal doc and moving on. A guys dream. If anything, she would rather travel to Europe instead of having a wedding. The problem is I do want a wedding. I'm a photographer, and having photographed many weddings, I have secretly been looking forward to one day celebrating our marriage with all of our family and loved ones. She is one of 8 siblings and only 2 of them have had a wedding, so it seems weddings are not as important to her as they are to me.
> 
> ...


Both of my weddings COMBINED cost less than 8k. Believe me, I have memories of them. I also have plenty of pics. 

Is there no way to compromise here on the cost and the size of this wedding? Are you really just looking for great photo ops? You've got a lifetime of those ahead of you with or without a wedding.


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## 408photographer (Aug 18, 2017)

@Yeswecan I had originally intended for us to get engaged and married last year. I had a little savings stashed away, but then she mentioned she would like a house as well. At which point I said, we could afford a house, or wedding, but not both. We picked the house and started the weddings funds back from zero. 

We both have huge families. About 130-150 each side. Condensing it down to a small number has been challenging but we got it down to 200. But feeding 200 people still gets expensive. Nothing fancy on the menu, just the cost of catering an event here in the bay area expensive.


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## 408photographer (Aug 18, 2017)

@Magnesium It's not so much the photo ops. Like i mentioned, I am a photographer and i dont even have that in our list of items for the wedding, nor is it a must for the wedding. I am more interested in getting the families together, given that we dont see each other as often as we would like. Celebrating this very important day with all the people that matter in our lives.

Believe me, I know we both have to compromise, and i'm trying. I wanted a catholic wedding, she didn't. We decided to have a small outdoor ceremony. I wanted a live band, but it's costly, so we are going with a dj instead. 300 guest down to 200. Maybe even 150 if we really work at it.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

How many of those 200 are part of your daily lives? Why not only have immediate family on both sides? Some Uncle you never see from half way across the country isn't helping with your memories.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I had a very inexpensive wedding (bought sandwiches and soda for a dozen friends and got married in a local park). Total cost <<$500. Neither my wife or I have ever regretted it. 

Big weddings are an exercise in project planning. No fun at all. Lots of stress when they are going on, then they are over. They will always feel cheap because you will know that you coule have spend more. Did the guests each get sherbet in carved ice swan dishes for $100 each? Did you get the best flower arrangements? 

If you want something memorable, splurge on your honeymoon - that at least lasts a week or two and can be wonderful and relaxing. 

Never waste money on weddings or funerals.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

^ ya I hate going to fancy weddings as much as I'd hate having one. I had a lot more fun at a family member's BYOB and potluck wedding at the park costing maybe $1000. 

My Mother looked through wedding photos not too long ago and didn't remember half the people there. It wasn't memorable even though it was big.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Here's the thing.

Anyone you did not invite, especially relatives on both sides, immediately hate you on the day after your wedding.

If you did not invite them. 

Believe me on this one.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Ok well it's important that you guys learn how to compromise and problem solve before getting married. 
If this is THAT important to you, she should be respectful. But at the same time you cant be delusional and dumb... 200 guests when you not only don't have enough money saved, but you already live paycheck to paycheck is extremely irresponsible and dumb. 
You need to compromise and she needs to also contribute because it's important to you. But 200 guests is ridiculous.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

SunCMars said:


> Here's the thing.
> 
> Anyone you did not invite, especially relatives on both sides, immediately hate you on the day after your wedding.
> 
> ...


I immediately hate them when I get an invitation. I wish I could tell people to not invite me. My siblings and parents, sure. If you're outside my daily social circle I don't want to come to your wedding. I'll go cause I feel bad saying no.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

katiecrna said:


> . But at the same time you cant be delusional and dumb... 200 guests when you not only don't have enough money saved, but you already live paycheck to paycheck is extremely irresponsible and dumb.


I agree. 
OP- Do you have a set emergency fund already (3-6 months expenses) cause that would be first priority. Things happen when you're paycheck to paycheck. Furnace breaks, health crisis, job loss, shingles need replacing. 

I'd put 10K into emergency fund and have a nice wedding and honeymoon for 7K.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You are homeowners living paycheck to paycheck in order to save money to have a very large wedding one of you doesn't even want. In what universe does that make any sense?

A simple, elegant, wedding with only immediate family followed by a nice honeymoon seems your best bet. Less and you'll resent her. More and she'll resent you. Resentment kills marriages.

I was Matron of Honor for my best friends $15,000 wedding. The planning, the hassle, the stress, the number of people who RSVP'd and didn't show, the mentally and physically exhausted bride, the drama among guests, the stupid staff SNAFUs....ugh. 

My own wedding was inexpensive and I couldn't be happier 14 years later.

Rings- $500 ( white gold bands dipped in titanium)
Marriage License- $40
Justice of the Peace- $40
Not having to endure a wedding: priceless


ETA If you're a Baptized Catholic you are obligated to marry in front of a priest or with dispensation to marry elsewhere or the marriage isn't technically religiously valid. You might want to talk to your pastor about that.

ETA #2 A Church wedding doesn't have to be large or expensive, either. Many Priests will marry a couple before or during Mass for a small donation. Maybe that could be the compromise. She marries you in a Catholic ceremony, you agree to limit guests to immediate family and/or have the wedding during Mass, with fellow parishioners and whoever else wants to attend. You could follow the ceremony with a nice brunch then head off to your honeymoon.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Odo and I spent around $4,000 on our wedding "celebration," which was a party with closest family/friends that was held several months after our intimate town hall wedding (4 witnesses).
I had 2 family members and one friend who were amateur photographers take pictures at our party... we have over 800 photos from the day.

You do not need a big wedding for it to be special.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Our wedding was perfect. It was beautiful, memorable and wonderful. My darling husband was conscious of the fact that while it was his second wedding, it was my first (and will be my only). We both wanted something a little special.

Well did we get it...beautiful country estate, we got a hefty discount because it was a winter wedding, 30 people attended, small, beautiful and intimate. It was the most beautiful day. It came in at just under $5000 - that includes everything. If we'd had to go into debt to pay for it, there is no way in hades either of us would've done it. 

$15k, hell, $10k on ONE DAY is just nuts. 

How many of those 200 guests do you see regularly...hubby and I didn't want to make small talk with people we rarely see "so...what have you up to the last few years?". Nope, we wanted "Omg! How are you? Wasn't Saturday amazing?".


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

408photographer said:


> Hello Everyone,
> 
> After 5 years of being in a relationship with my girlfriend, I finally proposed to her in April. We purchased a house last September and have been living together for almost 5 years now. Financially, we live paycheck to paycheck but I would say we live an ok life. The problem has become my fiancee does not want to spend a lot of money on a wedding. In fact she does not want a wedding at all. She is happily content just signing the legal doc and moving on. A guys dream. If anything, she would rather travel to Europe instead of having a wedding. The problem is I do want a wedding. I'm a photographer, and having photographed many weddings, I have secretly been looking forward to one day celebrating our marriage with all of our family and loved ones. She is one of 8 siblings and only 2 of them have had a wedding, so it seems weddings are not as important to her as they are to me.
> 
> ...


I almost killed my relationship too. So much stress. And you are also right I hardly remember it, weddings are mostly for the guests. At lest it in the end she will know you were right because she will be like, all that money and I don't remember that. That will give you some leverage. Remember the wedding and all that money we spent?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

sokillme said:


> I almost killed my relationship too. So much stress. And you are also right I hardly remember it, weddings are mostly for the guests. At lest it in the end she will know you were right because she will be like, all that money and I don't remember that. That will give you some leverage. Remember the wedding and all that money we spent?


He's the one who wants to spend, not her. She doesn't care or want a large wedding.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

When we married we all pitched in.. My parents paid for this and that, his parents paid for something else and we paid the main part. BUT I do feel it was a waste of $$.. a church, limos, hall, etc.... OK, I have some memories. My sister flew to Hawaii and married. She had the best time and her pictures were awesome. If I got married again I don't think I would feel comfortable spending that kind of cash on a wedding. Can't you compromise a bit-- you can still have a really nice affordable wedding with family without going broke!! How about signing the papers all dressed up then have a really nice luncheon or dinner somewhere. Then plan a big party at the house...


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I agree with others you will have to widdle this down because you can't afford a large wedding. I am personally not for spending a ton of money on other people to make them happy. I am all for a nice small and cheap wedding and then an incredible honeymoon. 

That's said this is clearly important to you. Why not set a REAsONABLE budget and then save through a long engagement. You have already been together for awhile so go slow


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

408photographer said:


> Hello Everyone,
> 
> After 5 years of being in a relationship with my girlfriend, I finally proposed to her in April. We purchased a house last September and have been living together for almost 5 years now. Financially, we live paycheck to paycheck but I would say we live an ok life. The problem has become my fiancee does not want to spend a lot of money on a wedding. In fact she does not want a wedding at all. She is happily content just signing the legal doc and moving on. A guys dream. If anything, she would rather travel to Europe instead of having a wedding. The problem is I do want a wedding. I'm a photographer, and having photographed many weddings, I have secretly been looking forward to one day celebrating our marriage with all of our family and loved ones. She is one of 8 siblings and only 2 of them have had a wedding, so it seems weddings are not as important to her as they are to me.
> 
> ...


Curious, how about a nice holiday together, just the two of you, skip the wedding and go straight to the honeymoon.

Is that an acceptable compromise for you?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> He's the one who wants to spend, not her. She doesn't care or want a large wedding.


Then she will something to hole over him when it's over an he realizes it was a waste.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> SunCMars said:
> 
> 
> > Here's the thing.
> ...


I cracked up when I read that you hate them when you "do" get an invitation. Funny, but so true. I'm like that as well. 

I was glad to see some can have a wedding for $500-$1,000. I can't figure out what all those thousands of dollars actually buys that's so important.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I hate getting wedding invitations. I feel that I *should* go, but I never enjoy them. I see all that money thrown away at a party where no one is having fun.

People spend thousands of $ because the wedding industry has convinced them that they should, and sometimes as a shameless display of wealth (that they often don't really have).

$15K is enough to spend a week at a Four Seasons resort anywhere in the world. That will at least give you an experience you will enjoy and remember, even if its an insane waste of money. Think about it. A few hours at a wedding, or a week in Bora Bora? 



southbound said:


> I cracked up when I read that you hate them when you "do" get an invitation. Funny, but so true. I'm like that as well.
> 
> I was glad to see some can have a wedding for $500-$1,000. I can't figure out what all those thousands of dollars actually buys that's so important.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why not have a very nice but small wedding with just your immediate families. Then go have a great honeymoon in Europe. You want a photo op that you will remember? That honeymoon would fill the bill.

You cannot afford the wedding you think you want. That money you have, it should go for an emergency fund. A couple who is living pay check to pay check has no business spending that kind of money on a wedding.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

408photographer said:


> @Yeswecan I had originally intended for us to get engaged and married last year. I had a little savings stashed away, but then she mentioned she would like a house as well. At which point I said, we could afford a house, or wedding, but not both. We picked the house and started the weddings funds back from zero.
> 
> We both have huge families. About 130-150 each side. Condensing it down to a small number has been challenging but we got it down to 200. But feeding 200 people still gets expensive. Nothing fancy on the menu, just the cost of catering an event here in the bay area expensive.


200? Need to be a realistic number of 100 who are family you communicate frequently.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

We got married in our living room with the minister, and two witnesses. At the end of the day, after all that money is spent, the guests are gone, all you have left is you and your spouse. We opted for our marriage, not so much a "wedding." Good luck, and I hope you can come to a solution.


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

408photographer said:


> Hello Everyone,
> 
> After 5 years of being in a relationship with my girlfriend, I finally proposed to her in April. We purchased a house last September and have been living together for almost 5 years now. Financially, we live paycheck to paycheck but I would say we live an ok life. The problem has become my fiancee does not want to spend a lot of money on a wedding. In fact she does not want a wedding at all. She is happily content just signing the legal doc and moving on. A guys dream. If anything, she would rather travel to Europe instead of having a wedding. The problem is I do want a wedding. I'm a photographer, and having photographed many weddings, I have secretly been looking forward to one day celebrating our marriage with all of our family and loved ones. She is one of 8 siblings and only 2 of them have had a wedding, so it seems weddings are not as important to her as they are to me.
> 
> ...


Personally, I think you should look at the much larger picture of you two spending your whole lives together and...just drop it. I understand how you feel but, it really isn't worth it, in my opinion. There are a lot of things you could do to improve your lives together with $17,000, and there are a lot of things you would do together over the next 50 or 60 years as a married couple, a lot memories you will create and possibly children you will have; but a wedding day will just come and go. On top of that, you'll have to deal with her resentment if she feels like she is forced or coerced into doing this. Every time you have a disagreement about money in the future, she will remind you that you could have had an extra $17,000 but you chose to flush it down the toilet.

My wife and I just got married with a justice of the peace; having a big wedding with everyone around was never a thing for us.

It doesn't make any sense to me to risk the relationship itself - which is the whole point of this - for the sake of simply engaging in a glorified but fleeting ritual.

Just my opinion.


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## kettle (Oct 28, 2016)

I agree with your fiance. My sister in laws had 50K plus weddings. My wife and I had wedding less than 10K. Actually closer to 5. Still to much IMO.


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