# I need help and honest feedback



## oedriveron (Jan 5, 2011)

Okay, long story short my wife and I got separated and now after a few months she comes back trying to pick up the pieces of a life she once had after finding out the grass is NEVER greener on the other side. I was very reluctant at first but after much chasing and calling I decided to give it a shot. Now it's been about two weeks since we embarked on this voyage of reconciliation. However she has started to show a very cold heart lately and I feel her distancing. It started happening after she felt that I had become attached to her once again and I was giving it my all. She's all the time very quiet and cold and gets mad easily and all I get is "let's take it slow" or "I'm not feeling too good these days." Please let me have some honest feedback and advise. I don't know what to think, I've accused her of being seeing someone on the side and she just wanted me around until she could find someone else but, then again she would turn away all plans just to be with me and we do spend lots of time together, so it's really hard for me to process the thought that she could be seeing someone.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I feel your wife is funny.

When you're cool, she's nice & clingy to you. When you're nice, she's cold & wayward.

It's very true that sometimes women love cool men without a valid reason.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

You forgive her too quickly and now she thinks you're already under her control and she's on the upper hand again. 

She's putting you into her waiting list. 

Maybe you want to be cool again?


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## ChrisInNOVA (Jan 3, 2011)

oedriveron said:


> Okay, long story short my wife and I got separated and now after a few months she comes back trying to pick up the pieces of a life she once had after finding out the grass is NEVER greener on the other side. I was very reluctant at first but after much chasing and calling I decided to give it a shot. Now it's been about two weeks since we embarked on this voyage of reconciliation. However she has started to show a very cold heart lately and I feel her distancing. It started happening after she felt that I had become attached to her once again and I was giving it my all. She's all the time very quiet and cold and gets mad easily and all I get is "let's take it slow" or "I'm not feeling too good these days." Please let me have some honest feedback and advise. I don't know what to think, I've accused her of being seeing someone on the side and she just wanted me around until she could find someone else but, then again she would turn away all plans just to be with me and we do spend lots of time together, so it's really hard for me to process the thought that she could be seeing someone.


She may have been having an affair which ended - probably not by her choice either.

So I suspect she is in Withdrawl.

An affair is very much like an addiction. She is missing her affair partner - or rather who she thought he was.

Read this


If there is / was no affair then she returned to you because being on her own didn't work out and she is angry about that.


Either way - you have a lot of work ahead of you.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You shouldn't be giving it your 'all'. Not now.

She will see your pursuing her for intimacy as smothering and needy.

It will likely seem counter-intuitive to you, but you should back off on the intimacy. Way off.

As has been indicated, it is far more likely that she is back with you because she felt hurt and alone, than it is that she felt like she made some horrible mistake and wants you back.

You do need to take it slow if you truly want to recover. Showering her with affection and attention, or pursuing sex at this point in time will very likely have exactly the opposite effect that you are hoping for.


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## oedriveron (Jan 5, 2011)

First of all I want to thank everyone that has commented or advised me. Please keep it coming, I really do want this to work out because I do love her very much and the truth is that there aren't any absolute victims in my relationship with her. We both need to forgive and be forgiven. To be honest I feel lost and unsure of what to do. It's been a bit over six moths since we separated and no matter what I do (date, work, exercise, keep super busy x10) I can't stop thinking about her and how much we really connected.

All advise, constructive criticism, etc... is very much welcomed.

Thank you all


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## oedriveron (Jan 5, 2011)

ChrisInNOVA said:


> She may have been having an affair which ended - probably not by her choice either.
> 
> So I suspect she is in Withdrawl.
> 
> ...



I think you're definitely onto something when you say "being on her own didn't work out and she's angry" mainly because every time she's in a jam of some kind, I always rescue her and end up resolving her issues with the utmost ease which I've always known pisses her off because she likes to claim herself as the most self-dependent person in the world. That story did not stop repeating itself after we parted different ways and not once has she acknowledge that she needs me or that I can be better than her at some things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

oedriveron said:


> I think you're definitely onto something whe you say "being on her own didn't work out and she's angry" mainly because every time she's in a jam of some kind, I always rescue her and end up resolving her issues with the utmost ease which I've always known pisses her off because she likes to claim herself as the most self-dependent person in the world. That story did not stop repeating itself after we parted different ways and not once has she acknowledge that she needs me or that I can be better than her at some things.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Went through this with my ex when we were separated. You need to get your head around those resentment triggers. You think you are being wonderful when you ride in and easily fix the issue - and expect, or desire her to appreciate your efforts. In fact, what you are doing is the equivalent of throwing gas on a fire. You coming in and cleaning up her mess, is simply a reminder to her of her own shortcomings - you fixing her problems is a NEGATIVE not a positive. She resents you for it, but knows you will do it. No more rescues. Stop doing it. She doesn't need it. It nets you absolutely nothing. She'll figure it out, and she'll be enormously proud of herself when she does.


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