# Your wife dressing up, and guys looking at her



## Robsia

My H and I are starting MC next week and we have been discussing a few buried issues we need to address.

One is this: When I was younger I was not one of the pretty young things. I was overweight and not conventionally attractive. I didn't get a lot of attention and have always had something of an insecurity complex.

As I grew older, I grew into my looks and I lost weight. I blossomed, and I was happy with it, and loved showing off to men, and getting attention. It boosted my ego and made me feel good.

In my mid-30s I met the man who I would later marry. He too has a bit of an insecurity complex. However, I think he is gorgeous and he thinks I am gorgeous. Meeting him, having him love me and actually want to marry me, has been the biggest ego boost of my life.

When we go out, I like to dress up and look sexy. 95% of it is for him, so HE thinks I look sexy. I want him to be proud of me and look at me and think "Damn, she's mine!" However, 5% of me still likes to be looked at, and admired by other men, for THEM to think, "Damn, I wish she was mine!"

He doesn't like it when other men look at me. He says it makes him angry. I asked him whether he was angry at them, or at me, and he said he didn't know.

I like to look good, I like to dress up for HIM mainly. I want to look so damn fine that he can't wait to get me home and tear it all off. Should I dress down? Should I cover it all up and feel dowdy?

Is he over-reacting, or am I being selfish and not considering his feelings?

And, if you ask me how I feel if it were reversed and other women were looking at my guy, it wouldn't bother me, so long as he made no effort to reciprocate. They can look all they like.


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## Robsia

^Oh yes, he admits that it is hypocritical. This is why we have identified it as an issue we need to address. The last time we went out before I found about the affair, I had worn a cleavage dress and we ended up having a massive row because three guys at the bar were looking at me.

We had our first post-A date night last night and I deliberately dressed down in a dress that was elegant but high at the front. He commented on it and asked if it was deliberately modest.


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## Maneo

My wife dresses for herself but also for me, wearing things she knows I like. Sometimes she asks me if I think what she is wearing is too provocative. I have yet to say yes, change. 
Other men give her looks. Just makes me feel better, knowing they look but she is with me.


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## richie33

Part of you probably liked that he got jealous and angry when you were getting stares from other men in the past. He was telling you that your mine and no one else can have you.
Now its become a problem, which it is. His insecurities are now a turn off. Personally i dont care if men break their neck looking at my wife. She is in fact a very attractive woman. I expect men to look. As long as no one is blatantly disrespectful and my wife rocks my world I don't care.
But your husband feels differently. You say something about a affair. That's where it might be coming be coming from.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable

It's not your fault that your husband married a pretty woman. Guys look at attractive women. If he wanted a woman no man would look at, he should have shopped in the ugly aisle.


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## Robsia

> Part of you probably liked that he got jealous and angry when you were getting stares from other men in the past.


A little bit jealous, maybe, in a "She's mine!" caveman sort of way. I would probably feel the same about him. But angry, no. Not to the point that it causes arguments.



> You say something about a affair. That's where it might be coming be coming from.


We have discussed the reasons for the affair. It was nothing to do with me dressing sexy. As well as trying to get over that, we also need to fix some buried issues that were there in our marriage BEFORE the affair. This is one of them.



> Did you have the real answer why he is jealous of your dressing


I'm not sure. I'm not really sure HE understands why it makes him feel that way. Part of it is maybe he thinks I'm shopping around for an upgrade, which is far from the truth.

I just want him to be proud of me.


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## tacoma

Well if 95% of your wardrobe choice are to make him happy and he isn't happy with them it ain't working.

If you really dress for your husband then wear what he likes for whatever reason.

Dress more conservatively for him, if you want to keep that "sexy" going on wear sexy underwear sets or nylons or whatever turns him on underneath that conservative garb so he can ravage you when you get home
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33

If there was a affair on your part I can see why he doesn't want other men looking at you. Its a trigger for him. I am not judging you at all. That's your business. But it could be where this is coming from. But its good that your both working through it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma

When Men ogle my wife it actually makes me smile because I have confidence that I'm who she wants and is going home with.

If I had a reason to think any of those men had a chance with her that confidence would probably drop.
He has reason to be insecure about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Robsia

richie33 said:


> If there was a affair on your part I can see why he doesn't want other men looking at you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Um NO! I did not have an affair!


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## Robsia

tacoma said:


> Well if 95% of your wardrobe choice are to make him happy and he isn't happy with them it ain't working.
> 
> If you really dress for your husband then wear what he likes for whatever reason.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So I should bow to his wishes regardless of what I want? A little bit 50s, dontchathink?


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## tacoma

Robsia said:


> So I should bow to his wishes regardless of what I want? A little bit 50s, dontchathink?


YOU are the one who said you dress to please your man.

The way you dress doesn't please your man and you want to continue dressing in a way that displeases him, so you're either deluding yourself or outright lying.

Which is it?

You dress for your man?
You dress for your ego?


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## richie33

He had a affair? Then wear a two piece bathing suit next time to the bar. JK.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## totamm

I'm no longer married but when I was, and with my current girlfriend and past relationships, I get off on it when other guys check out my girl because she looks good.

Your husband has some serious insecurity issues and that's a shame.

You can't look good without feeling bad.

Because he gets mad.

And that's sad.


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## Robsia

LanieB said:


> Could it possibly be that you dress as you do so that your husband can see that other men notice you? (especially now after he has had an A) I have to admit, whenever my husband and I go out anywhere, I make sure I look FABULOUS!! Ha! My husband had a year-long affair recently, and before I knew about it, I still always looked good. But NOW . . . . I want him to see that even if he didn't/doesn't appreciate what he has, others do.
> 
> Edit: I don't dress "skanky" at all - but try to be as sexy as possible!


Probably. It's tricky analysing the psychology of why we do what we do, and feel the way we feel.

I mean, I don't think I dress skankily. Elegant, but sexy. This kind of thing:


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## Entropy3000

Looks normal to me. 

I do like my wife to dress sexy when we go out. She will dress more "sexy" than this outfit you have shown.

That said what she wears out with me mau not be acceptable for her to wear otherwise. What you have shown would not bother me in this case either.


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## unbelievable

The dress is very pretty....uh, you have a little spot of something on your face.


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## Joey Joe Joe Jr. Shabadoo

Robsia said:


> My H and I are starting MC next week and we have been discussing a few buried issues we need to address.
> 
> One is this: When I was younger I was not one of the pretty young things. I was overweight and not conventionally attractive. I didn't get a lot of attention and have always had something of an insecurity complex.
> 
> As I grew older, I grew into my looks and I lost weight. I blossomed, and I was happy with it, and loved showing off to men, and getting attention. It boosted my ego and made me feel good.
> 
> In my mid-30s I met the man who I would later marry. He too has a bit of an insecurity complex. However, I think he is gorgeous and he thinks I am gorgeous. Meeting him, having him love me and actually want to marry me, has been the biggest ego boost of my life.
> 
> When we go out, I like to dress up and look sexy. 95% of it is for him, so HE thinks I look sexy. I want him to be proud of me and look at me and think "Damn, she's mine!" However, 5% of me still likes to be looked at, and admired by other men, for THEM to think, "Damn, I wish she was mine!"
> 
> He doesn't like it when other men look at me. He says it makes him angry. I asked him whether he was angry at them, or at me, and he said he didn't know.
> 
> I like to look good, I like to dress up for HIM mainly. I want to look so damn fine that he can't wait to get me home and tear it all off. Should I dress down? Should I cover it all up and feel dowdy?
> 
> Is he over-reacting, or am I being selfish and not considering his feelings?
> 
> And, if you ask me how I feel if it were reversed and other women were looking at my guy, it wouldn't bother me, so long as he made no effort to reciprocate. They can look all they like.


Just to respond to this original post and none of the follow up which I haven't read: It all sounds just fine. It's ok for you to enjoy SOME attention from other men when you dress well and look good. And it's fine and good that your husband is jealous. Now just talk together and come to an understanding.


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## Kobo

tacoma said:


> YOU are the one who said you dress to please your man.
> 
> The way you dress doesn't please your man and you want to continue dressing in a way that displeases him, so you're either deluding yourself or outright lying.
> 
> Which is it?
> 
> You dress for your man?
> You dress for your ego?



I'm absolutely shocked that this went unanswered. Shocked I tell you.


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## Robsia

^I don't do well with confrontational people.


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## diwali123

That dress looks fine. I wouldn't even say its meant to be sexy, it's just fashionable. It doesn't look skanky or trashy at all. If a man has issues with that kind of outfit he probably needs to starting Mormons.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable

The woman has a nice figure. Why would she want to hide it? What could she wear that would? A full length winter coat? A burhka? Whether she wears this dress, a pantsuit, jeans, or an old feed sack, guys are going to look.


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## SunnyT

My theory....

HE cheated, he doesn't get to call the shots. HE has to figure out how to deal with HIS problems. His job now is to make you feel loved, feel sexy, and feel wanted.


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## Maneo

Rereading the OP there is specific mention of hot " gorgeous" each spouse thinks the other is and some additional detail about looking good. 

While most if us want to look decent, I detect more than a little emphasis on the purely physical. Perhaps both need to just step back a notch from such focus in outward appearance. Take it as accepted you both look fine and accept that people like to people watch. Pay more attention to what is beneath the surface, to your relationship. 
There will always be someone who looks better. Inevitably age takes over and while we can continue to look fine, we lose the youthful look so emphasized. Looks fade. Relationships grow.


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## Robsia

^I think that's because we both are insecure about our looks. We both have to reassure the other that we find them attractive. He thinks I'm more attractive than he is, so he feels that I'm looking to trade up. Whereas I think the reverse, so it's odd for me that he feels that way. In fact, when I first saw him, I thought he was far too good-looking for me, that he would never fancy me in a month of Sundays. Hence the major ego-boost when he actually did.

This was before the A though so now things are very very different.


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## Robsia

^His problem is that other guys look at me, and I enjoy it


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## diwali123

That's what I'm thinking. People who have had A's tend to be the most jealous. Woohoo men look at you, they might look at you in turtlenecks too. Who cares! Just be yourself and don't let him dictate what you wear. I mean within reason.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maneo

Robsia said:


> ^His problem is that other guys look at me, and I enjoy it


When you say you enjoy it - that is natural but to you keep that enjoyment internal or are you enjoying it with external actions that he might interpret as flirting?


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## Wiserforit

Robsia said:


> ^His problem is that other guys look at me, and I enjoy it



Unless you are specifically flaunting as emotional warfare against the husband then it is an insecurity on his part. You could do that wearing a burlap bag. It doesn't have all that much to do with the clothes you wear unless it's some kind of hooker-looking obscenity. It's the way you act towards others that matters. 

I have no idea about the dynamics of the post-affair environment with hubby and you, but that probably comes into play.


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## Robsia

Maneo said:


> When you say you enjoy it - that is natural but to you keep that enjoyment internal or are you enjoying it with external actions that he might interpret as flirting?


That's a tricky one. I don't think I am, but he disagrees. On Valentine's night, when we had a big row about it, there were three guys standing at the bar at the pub we went to after our meal. I noticed them when we walked in, and they noticed me. My H went to the bar to get a drink, and I took my coat off and sat down. I guess I looked at them to see if they were looking at me as I took my coat off, then I sat down. My H interpreted this as me making damn sure they noticed my boobs in my dress and 'flaunting' myself at them. I admit I looked to see if they were looking. I was flattered. This was before I found out about the A but we were already in a not awfully good place, so maybe I was trying to make him jealous. That night ended up in a humongous row, the worst in a long time.

Compare that to our first date night after A, which was last Friday night. I was deliberately wearing something more modest, smart but with a high neck-line. We went to a pub for a drink before our meal. We were standing up as it was busy. Over his shoulder there was a group of guys. One of them was looking at me. I tried very hard to keep my gaze on my H, but I couldn't help glancing at him to gauge whether to be flattered or not. If I was being checked out by a good-looking guy, it is more flattering than being checked out by an ugly guy.

We actually talked about this later. He had noticed, he said he wondered why I kept looking over his shoulder. I didn't think I had done it so much, but obviously it was noticeable. When I told him about checking to see how attractive they were to see how much I should be flattered, he asked me whether I had thought this guy was attractive. I answered honestly, that yes, he was. Then I added, but he's not you!

I don't flirt or anything, I try not to make eye contact. I'm not drooling over these guys, I'm not wishing I was with them instead. It's simply flattering to be noticed.

Quite often my H points out guys that are checking me out when I hadn't even noticed.


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## Maneo

Robsia said:


> That's a tricky one. I don't think I am, but he disagrees. On Valentine's night, when we had a big row about it, there were three guys standing at the bar at the pub we went to after our meal. I noticed them when we walked in, and they noticed me. My H went to the bar to get a drink, and I took my coat off and sat down. I guess I looked at them to see if they were looking at me as I took my coat off, then I sat down. My H interpreted this as me making damn sure they noticed my boobs in my dress and 'flaunting' myself at them. I admit I looked to see if they were looking. I was flattered. This was before I found out about the A but we were already in a not awfully good place, so maybe I was trying to make him jealous. That night ended up in a humongous row, the worst in a long time.
> 
> Compare that to our first date night after A, which was last Friday night. I was deliberately wearing something more modest, smart but with a high neck-line. We went to a pub for a drink before our meal. We were standing up as it was busy. Over his shoulder there was a group of guys. One of them was looking at me. I tried very hard to keep my gaze on my H, but I couldn't help glancing at him to gauge whether to be flattered or not. If I was being checked out by a good-looking guy, it is more flattering than being checked out by an ugly guy.
> 
> We actually talked about this later. He had noticed, he said he wondered why I kept looking over his shoulder. I didn't think I had done it so much, but obviously it was noticeable. When I told him about checking to see how attractive they were to see how much I should be flattered, he asked me whether I had thought this guy was attractive. I answered honestly, that yes, he was. Then I added, but he's not you!
> 
> I don't flirt or anything, I try not to make eye contact. I'm not drooling over these guys, I'm not wishing I was with them instead. It's simply flattering to be noticed.
> 
> Quite often my H points out guys that are checking me out when I hadn't even noticed.


Your vanity is showing when you need to check out who is looking at you. I would want my wife to only be concerned with me as I am only with her. Your husband pointing out who is looking at you reinforces to me my earlier sense that the two of you are too wrapped up in appearances. 

Be careful or you two will split and go through one relationship after another with looks as a primary focus until you pass your prime and your looks fade and you find yourself with no meaningful relationship. 

Looks are at best fleeting.


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## unbelievable

The guy had an affair. He's lucky you're still even around. He suspects you are flirting? What if you are? Like he's got a right to complain? We hate in others that which we see in ourselves. If he feels insecure that has more to do with his own choices than with whatever you're wearing. If I had cheated on my wife, I'd feel insecure, too. Actually, I'd probably be dead and not feeling much of anything.


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## Ryan_sa

I love it when my wife dresses up. I enjoy the effect she has on other guys, because I know shes with me, and Im proud that I married someone so beautiful.
If your constantly checking out other guys over his shoulder, I can see a problem. However he cant expect you to keep your eyes glued to him all night, you have to blink occasionally!
Besides, he had an affair, now hes probably paranoid your going to have one in revenge.
In the end, dress for yourself, but take his feelings into consideration. If your feeling sexy, and forced to dress like an old frump, you'll start to resent him, and bad things come from resentment.


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## Robsia

> If your feeling sexy, and forced to dress like an old frump, you'll start to resent him, and bad things come from resentment.


I made this exact same point to him when we discussed it. He saw my point.

I think we're going to be okay about this. I think his main problem was that Valentine's evening when we were already in a bad place.

We've talked about it and he acknowledge's that it comes from a place of insecurity. But he doesn't want me to dress as a nun, and so long as I'm not openly ogling other guys in front of him - which I wouldn't do - I think he can cope with it.

Thanks guys for all your thoughts, even the confrontational ones


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## RandomDude

One of the good things about my wife or STBX, is that she does take time to make herself look pretty, dressing up and looking good is important for her and also for me when I still was with her. If she had stopped, I would have been worried. I say keep it up, and get him to move on from his insecurities.


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## youkiddingme

You know what......I think he is projecting what is/was going on within himself onto you. On Valentines (before you knew he had an affair) you two got into a huge fight because of his jealousy over 3 guys checking you out. I suspect that was because of what was going on within HIM and had little to do with you. He knows he cannot be trusted and so he did what cheaters do...and quits trusting YOU the betrayed spouse. 
Has he always been this way? Not trusting? It may not be because he has low self esteem. It may be because he is a cheater and knows HE is not trustworthy.


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## Conrad

Robsia said:


> So I should bow to his wishes regardless of what I want? A little bit 50s, dontchathink?


Did you want people to advise you?


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## Robsia

Earlier on in our relationship he sometimes displayed a lack of trust. But I thought we'd got over that. I used to struggle with trusting people in relationships - usually warranted as I had been cheated on before, but never with anyone I was bothered about. My reaction was usually, "Meh - what a bastard. Never liked him anyway. next!"

With him I never felt that. I always trusted him 100% right from the word go. He never gave me any vibe that he couldn't be trusted, until he actually started to stray, then I picked it up pretty early on.

It really messed with my head, as I knew I was picking up something off, but he was giving me the "You just have to trust me" line when my gut was telling me something different.


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## Robsia

Conrad said:


> Did you want people to advise you?


Can't I argue back?  :biggrinangelA:


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## Conrad

Robsia said:


> Can't I argue back?  :biggrinangelA:


Usually, dismissive comments like "that's so 50's" indicate a mindset.

Just something to keep in mind.


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## anonim

Robsia said:


> Kobo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> tacoma said:
> 
> 
> 
> YOU are the one who said you dress to please your man.
> 
> The way you dress doesn't please your man and you want to continue dressing in a way that displeases him, so you're either deluding yourself or outright lying.
> 
> Which is it?
> 
> You dress for your man?
> You dress for your ego?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I'm absolutely shocked that this went unanswered. Shocked I tell you.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> ^I don't do well with confrontational people.
Click to expand...



Tacoma is not being confrontational, he is being direct, and his logic is sound.

"You do not do well with direct people," may be closer to the truth.

And honestly, its up to you how you dress, it doesn't seem you dress provocatively, but;

a) You know, (_because you have said_), that the way you dress causes jealousy/insecurity issues for your man. 

b) You said that you dress mainly (95%) for your man.

From your posts thus far I cant see that you are lacking a firm grip on your reality, so I infer that you are lying about your motives for 'dressing up.' 

I believe that you dress to make your man insecure/jealous or you are dressing for the attention of other men.

Given that your H had an affair I honestly don't blame you, but it's better to be honest while seeking advice or opinion than to attempt call out other posters for being straight shooters.


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## anonim

Robsia said:


> That's a tricky one. I don't think I am, but he disagrees. On Valentine's night, when we had a big row about it, there were three guys standing at the bar at the pub we went to after our meal. I noticed them when we walked in, and they noticed me.
> 
> If you noticed that they noticed you, you were checking them out.
> 
> My H went to the bar to get a drink, and I took my coat off and sat down. I guess I looked at them to see if they were looking at me
> 
> You checked them out again when your husband was away getting drinks for you.
> 
> as I took my coat off, then I sat down. My H interpreted this as me making damn sure they noticed my boobs in my dress and 'flaunting' myself at them. I admit I looked to see if they were looking. I was flattered. This was before I found out about the A but we were already in a not awfully good place, so maybe I was trying to make him jealous. That night ended up in a humongous row, the worst in a long time.
> 
> You went on a date with your husband and you were checking out other guys as soon as you walked in the door? On valentines day??
> 
> Not excusing your husbands affair but from his perspective he might have just been beating you to the punch if you haven't (yes, 'haven't') already beaten him to it.
> 
> Compare that to our first date night after A, which was last Friday night. I was deliberately wearing something more modest, smart but with a high neck-line. We went to a pub for a drink before our meal. We were standing up as it was busy. Over his shoulder there was a group of guys. One of them was looking at me.
> 
> Once again, if you werent looking at the other guy, you wouldnt have noticed he was looking at you.
> 
> I tried very hard to keep my gaze on my H, but I couldn't help glancing at him to gauge whether to be flattered or not. If I was being checked out by a good-looking guy, it is more flattering than being checked out by an ugly guy.
> 
> If you are married, what does it matter?
> 
> We actually talked about this later. He had noticed, he said he wondered why I kept looking over his shoulder. I didn't think I had done it so much, but obviously it was noticeable. When I told him about checking to see how attractive they were to see how much I should be flattered, he asked me whether I had thought this guy was attractive. I answered honestly, that yes, he was. Then I added, but he's not you!
> 
> which translates too ="that guy was better looking than you"
> 
> I don't flirt or anything,
> 
> False.You check them out, they check you out, you check them out some more to make sure they know you checked them out, right in front of your husband. That's a straight up come on. You may as well have just walked over and handed them your panties as far as your husband is concerned.
> 
> I try not to make eye contact. I'm not drooling over these guys, I'm not wishing I was with them instead. It's simply flattering to be noticed.
> 
> Quite often my H points out guys that are checking me out when I hadn't even noticed.
> 
> I suspect the ones you hadnt noticed are few and far between. Or ugly.


Really? 

If you're going to stay married, then stay married, stop checking out other guys, ignore if they are checking you out. Even if you like the attention, it doesnt mean you have to give attention back, thats just letting them know you're available.

Are you wanting to stay married? are you wanting to continue this behavior pattern? and why?


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## unbelievable

Are you always in a pub when his "jealousy" surfaces? People can become obnoxious, confrontational, emotional, romantic, depressed, etc with sufficient alcohol intake. If a bar is the only place you hear this "jealousy", you're talking to a drunk and you should expect stupid things to come out of a drunk's mouth. I expect you are every bit as attractive when you mingle in the world of the sober


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## donny64

Sorry, but I'm not seeing where you're doing anything wrong. You seem to dress classy, yet show off a bit. You notice if someone is checking you out. Big deal. If I'm out with the W for valentines day, and some chick is checking me out, my guess is I'll notice! Has no bearing on how I feel about my W.

A shot in the dark here, and adding things up....he's had an affair. He's threatened by other guys looking at you. HE'S INSECURE! Many affairs are borne out of insecurity (i.e. "I can't believe this chick is into me, I may never have this chance again, I can't resist it, and I'm going for it"). Secure men settle with (not for...but with) women whom we adore, who we feel are amazing, and would never think of hurting or cheating on. Secure men do not seek or need affairs to feel validation. Secure men do not act like over testosteroned teenage boys or cavemen when another man looks at our attractive woman. We are secure in the knowledge that she is going home with us, and hey, if she doesn't want to (or is willing to risk losing such a great guy as us) well then, there is someone who will (or who won't risk it)!

I see nothing wrong with you dressing up. I see nothing wrong with guys looking at you, or you noticing that they are looking. I do see something wrong with a guy who wants his woman to dress up in a burlap sack when they go out, because, apparently, in his mind the only way to keep other guys off of her is to dress her down to frump status, instead of having the confidence of being such a great guy himself that NO OTHER GUY would have a chance with her in the first place.


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## anonim

donny64 said:


> I do see something wrong with a guy who wants his woman to dress up in a burlap sack when they go out, because, apparently, in his mind the only way to keep other guys off of her is to dress her down to frump status, instead of having the confidence of being such a great guy himself that NO OTHER GUY would have a chance with her in the first place.


except if shes checking them out, then apparently do have a chance.


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## Robsia

I want you to know I am reading everything everyone is contributing. There are opposing points of views. I would argue with the assumption that because you look at a guy, they have a chance with you. I'm not the cheater in this scenario.

However, I do accept that looking at another man when you are with your husband is disrespectful. But then there is looking and _looking_.

If I was constantly staring round the room ogling other guys, not bothering to give my husband any attention, ignoring what he said, making eye contact with other men and being obviously flirtatious, then I would agree.

But I'm not.

Maybe I should not look at other people at all, keep my eyes trained on the floor, or on my husband 100%.

It's hard not to be flattered when you see a guy looking at you - it really is. Especially when you yourself have insecurity issues. 

Having said that, we have been working hard on identifying some of our pre-A marital issues. One of them is that I don't always consider his feelings as much as I should. Maybe that's an Aspie thing. While logically I know that other people have feelings, the Aspie part thinks that they should feel exactly the way we do about xyz. It's hard to comprehend that someone can actually feel differently about an issue.

Because I KNOW in my own head that my husband has nothing to worry about with regard to either his own attractiveness, or my fidelity, I assume that he must also know too. Because I have told him repeatedly. And I don't lie.

So that's something I need to work on - thinking about his feelings more, and putting him first.

My own feelings say that there is nothing wrong with dressing up and looking pretty.

His feelings say that, yes, he likes to see me look pretty, but he doesn't feel comfortable with other guys checking me out, so maybe I could just cover up a little bit more. He doesn;t necessarily say this outwardly, but he thinks it.

My modern-woman answer is "Who the heck are you to tell me how to dress? I do what I like, thank you very much!"

BUT my 'good wife considering her husband's feelings' answer should be. "I want to make you happy and not feel uncomfortable, so I should dress down a little. Still pretty, still elegant, but not so obvious."

I'm still struggling with that. But I want to work on it. The 'modern woman' and the 'good wife' fight a lot. I was the former for so long, doing exactly as I pleased, dressing exactly how I wanted, and I don't have much experience of the latter. It's hard.


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## Conrad

The "modern woman" thing.

Are those labels society puts on you?

Or, is that you?


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## Robsia

Conrad said:


> The "modern woman" thing.
> 
> Are those labels society puts on you?
> 
> Or, is that you?


That would be me. I have no clue what labels society puts on me, if any. Me and society, we don't talk much!


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## Robsia

unbelievable said:


> Are you always in a pub when his "jealousy" surfaces? People can become obnoxious, confrontational, emotional, romantic, depressed, etc with sufficient alcohol intake. If a bar is the only place you hear this "jealousy", you're talking to a drunk and you should expect stupid things to come out of a drunk's mouth. I expect you are every bit as attractive when you mingle in the world of the sober


He actually hardly drinks. He'll have a pint of shandy. If he's not driving, which he usually is, a few pear ciders, that's all.

I only hear it in pubs as those are the only places we go where other men are likely to look at me.


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## Gaia

Have you and your husband attended marriage counseling?

Have you always been this way or did you start acting like this after your husbands affair?


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## Robsia

I've always been this way. It's just me.

We did attend MC last summer for a while. I didn't find it helpful at all. I didn't like the woman and I felt she didn't really understand what we needed. Also my H struggled to implement the things we agreed to in C, although he will tell you that I misremembered and misinterpreted what we agreed to.

We have started again, in the aftermath of the affair to deal with a) getting past the affair, and b) addressing the issues that were in the M before that we were not dealing with.

We're going somewhere else than before, although we've only just had our first initial consultation so far.


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## Gaia

I see. I hope this next one works out for you both. Sometimes it takes going through many before you find the right one. Have you any idea what lead your H to cheat in the first place? 

As far as your need for validation from other men. I'm not meaning to offend but that's what it sounds like at least. Yes it's nice to be flattered but have you considered the way you do things can be disrespectful or seem disrespectful to your husband and perhaps contribute to his insecurities? Do you even like the idea of attention from your husband or is it not enough?


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## Robsia

I understand the circumstances which led to the cheating, yes. As to why he decided the best way to respond to those circumstances was to f*ck someone else, no I don't understand that. I'm hoping we can explore that in C.

As I said earlier on the thread, the biggest ego boost of my entire life was when I met my H, realised he loved me as much as I loved him, and actually wanted to marry me.

Why do I still need validation from other men? I don't know. It's an ego boost, just as his A was an ego boost for him.

Don't we all get a bit of an ego boost when we realise someone fancies us? Is it really that unusual?


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## Gaia

Like I pointed out. It's not that you get an ego boost from it. It's the way you handle it.


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## Robsia

How should I be handling it? Genuine question.


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## Gaia

Well you mentioned that you kept glancing over at the men while with your husband correct? This tells some men your bored with your current company and are interested in them. As another pointed out it basically says... "Come get me, I'm game... I'm available." When in reality your not. These sort of behaviors often lead to affairs themselves or harassment and in some cases rape. There are many predators out there, especially in bar areas. 

I have to agree about your husband being an imbecile by having an affair to handle his insecurity issues. A selfish one at that.


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## Gaia

Of course a smug smirk and a lean into your husband may have been more appropriate. Basically an action that says... "Yeah I know I'm hot but I am all his..."


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## Dad&Hubby

95% of this issue is your husbands. the 5% I'll reserve in case you're dressing BEYOND nice (ie $lutty LOL).

Your husband had an affair and in the back of his mind, knows you could walk away from him. He also is more susceptible to the concept that an attractive person can "steal" a partner because..well, he allowed himself to be stolen. (it's the same reason a cheater tends to be more vocal about worrying their non-cheating spouse might be a cheater).

The bottom line is your husband is very insecure in your relationship right now...because of HIS thoughts and actions. He needs to work on him. You shouldn't change.


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## Gaia

I have to disagree Dad&Hubby. Change in both partners could benefit more. After all compromise and growth from both spouses for the betterment of the relationship is a good thing imo.


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## Anon Pink

It doesn't matter WHY you dress the way you do! It doesn't matter why getting noticed feels good. The fact remains it feels GREAT being noticed, period! But to feel great about being noticed, one much first notice that she's being noticed. If the man noticing is a decent looking man, double the compliment! 

You have done nothing wrong and everything your said so far has been NORMAL SOP for almost all women.

If your H is threatened because other men notice you, that is HIS issue to deal with NOT yours. Dont you dare change how you dress to sooth his fears and insecurities!

And I'd even suggest he attend IC on his own so he can learn the difference between controlling himself and controlling others. He feels challenged when other men look at you so he tries to control YOU? Wrong person partner!


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## Gaia

Just in case people mistake my post.. I want to clarify. I don't suggest she change her attire but the way she reacts to being noticed might be handled better I think.


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## Robsia

Maybe I should just position myself so I'm not facing any other men - lol! Then I can't look at them, even out of simple curiosity.

I enjoy being with my H and I am proud to be with him. I'm constantly touching his arm or his hand when we talk, showing the world that I'm with him. Or I'll stroke his hair or something.


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## Robsia

Dad&Hubby said:


> 95% of this issue is your husbands. the 5% I'll reserve in case you're dressing BEYOND nice (ie $lutty LOL).


I posted a pic earlier so people could see what kind of dress I was talking about. The general consensus was that it was quite normal.



> Your husband had an affair and in the back of his mind, knows you could walk away from him. He also is more susceptible to the concept that an attractive person can "steal" a partner because..well, he allowed himself to be stolen. (it's the same reason a cheater tends to be more vocal about worrying their non-cheating spouse might be a cheater).


See I have never been a cheater. Even when our M was rock bottom, it never crossed my mind to seek greener pastures. I might look, and enjoy, but that's all.



> The bottom line is your husband is very insecure in your relationship right now...because of HIS thoughts and actions. He needs to work on him. You shouldn't change.


Half of me thinks "Good, let him be insecure. Let him be worried he's going to lose me," and the other half wants to help him over his fears and reassure him.


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## Gaia

Well why would you repeatedly look? I know there are some women out there like you but it's quite hard for women like me to understand this. Does your Husband look at other women? If so... do you hold the same attitude? Meaning you don't care if he is constantly glancing at other women? I do know some couples are like this but I don't think it's a good idea. Especially not with people like your husband who will look, then touch, then fvck.


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## Gaia

Robsia said:


> Half of me thinks "Good, let him be insecure. Let him be worried he's going to lose me," and the other half wants to help him over his fears and reassure him.


This right here is what I'd like to address. I can relate to this feeling as I'm still feeling and struggling with it myself. Although I do think you could handle the attention a tad differently I don't feel you should be reassuring him to much. After all he was the one who couldn't keep it in his pants or keep good solid boundaries. Is he remorseful for what he did or no?


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## Robsia

^TBH no he doesn't look. Not that I've noticed anyway. But when you're talking to someone you don't make constant eye contact. So I don't know what he's looking at when he isn't looking at me. It could be anyone. I don't turn and look to see what he is looking at. I don't care.

I'm not sure it's often enough to warrant a description of 'repeatedly' unless you're using the word to mean simply 'more than once'. I didn't really analyse the frequency.


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## Robsia

Gaia said:


> This right here is what I'd like to address. I can relate to this feeling as I'm still feeling and struggling with it myself. Although I do think you could handle the attention a tad differently I don't feel you should be reassuring him to much. After all he was the one who couldn't keep it in his pants or keep good solid boundaries. Is he remorseful for what he did or no?


For the most part, yes. He is only human so he slips now and again. But he is trying.


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## Gaia

Robsia said:


> ^TBH no he doesn't look. Not that I've noticed anyway. But when you're talking to someone you don't make constant eye contact. So I don't know what he's looking at when he isn't looking at me. It could be anyone. I don't turn and look to see what he is looking at. I don't care.
> 
> I'm not sure it's often enough to warrant a description of 'repeatedly' unless you're using the word to mean simply 'more than once'. I didn't really analyse the frequency.


Well... we differ here but i think it's probably due to upbringing. When I talk to someone I do indeed make constant eye contact due to being taught it just shows respect. Of course your posts about looking at other men.... the way you phrased it put a picture in my mind of your husband trying to chat with you and you sitting there going.. "Mhhmm..." While turning away and looking at other men. Of course that in itself would be disrespectful imo but like i said it could be upbringing. 


My point is.. if he has an issue with it.. then perhaps he sees it as disrespectful? Alot of people have been taught differently and he may feel like you should care since he cares or whatnot. It does seem there is a clash of sorts. Your more carefree and he doesn't seem to be. Maybe this should be brought to attention in a counseling session? Or heck even in a discussion?


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## Gaia

Also I would like to add that with some of the response you get here that give tsk tsk at you looking at other men are from BS's whose spouses have looked, touched, and fvcked. One thing leading to another if you will which is why it's cautioned against or frowned upon in a sense.


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## Dad&Hubby

I think Gaia is being a GREAT devil's advocate to your issue. She's nailing one aspect.

EVERY issue in a marriage CAN be dealt with by both parties. Ultimately you can only control what YOU do so in an issue where your husband is insecure, the only thing you can do is to create an environment with the MINIMUM amount of things for him to be insecure about. IE, the way you dress, the way you act etc. 

To me it sounds like, from an outside perspective is, the issue really ISN'T what you wear but what happens when you wear it. And not just that guys notice you (frankly, and speaking as a guy, we'll notice an attractive woman wearing the dress you describe or sweat pants and a sweat shirt...LOL) but how you react to that attention and you looking back.

I'm not saying you're "wrong" in regards to a "court of law" perspective, you're not. BUT relationships aren't about proving one person's right and the other is wrong. It's about two people working together against issues. I have to give you a TON of credit, you're already doing A LOT to work past an affair. I couldn't do that. My ex-wife cheated on me and aside from being the mother to my kids, she was dead to me. My love for her literally evaporated in the blink of an eye.

PS Keep up the good work Gaia LOL.


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## Gaia

Dad&Hubby said:


> I think Gaia is being a GREAT devil's advocate to your issue. She's nailing one aspect.
> 
> EVERY issue in a marriage CAN be dealt with by both parties. Ultimately you can only control what YOU do so in an issue where your husband is insecure, the only thing you can do is to create an environment with the MINIMUM amount of things for him to be insecure about. IE, the way you dress, the way you act etc.
> 
> To me it sounds like, from an outside perspective is, the issue really ISN'T what you wear but what happens when you wear it. And not just that guys notice you (frankly, and speaking as a guy, we'll notice an attractive woman wearing the dress you describe or sweat pants and a sweat shirt...LOL) but how you react to that attention and you looking back.
> 
> I'm not saying you're "wrong" in regards to a "court of law" perspective, you're not. BUT relationships aren't about proving one person's right and the other is wrong. It's about two people working together against issues. I have to give you a TON of credit, you're already doing A LOT to work past an affair. I couldn't do that. My ex-wife cheated on me and aside from being the mother to my kids, she was dead to me. My love for her literally evaporated in the blink of an eye.
> 
> PS Keep up the good work Gaia LOL.


Umm huh? If I recall correctly I posted exactly what you just did here that refers to her and her hubby in the quoted post except I just worded it a bit differently.


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## Robsia

^I think that's what he is saying. "Nailing" something means you're getting it exactly right, as in "hitting the nail on the head". Maybe that's a dialect confusion thing.

Well, we're off tonight on our 2nd date night since D-day.

I'm planning on wearing a dress that is long, but showing a little more cleavage than the one I wore last time. TBH I have very few dresses that don't show cleavage so unless I plan on spending money that I don't have on new clothes, it'll have to do.

I will try very hard not to see if anyone is checking me out and we'll see how it goes. 

God I sound so vain, don't I? But honestly, I don't know what they see. I don't think I am anything special. All I know is that they see something, and I am flattered.

Hey-ho - life is never easy.


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## Gaia

More then likely. I have a hard time understand/ interpreting things at times.


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## Gaia

Enjoy yourself and hopefully your Hubbys reaction to you is flattering as well. I hope he can't take his eyes off you.


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## Robsia

Well, we had a good time. I pinned up the cleavage dress a bit with a safety pin so it wasnt as obvious. We went to a restaurant, not a pub, so there weren't hordes of single men on the prowl. it was good. He did actually comment on the cleavage dress, just observing that it was a cleavage dress, and I said I didn't have many dresses that weren't. He said "What does that tell you?" but not in an 'off' way.

But it didn't get awkward. We had a good night. This is still obviously an issue in the back of his mind, but if I respect his feelings more and he tries to deal with his insecurity, then we should be okay.


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## anonim

Robsia said:


> Well, we had a good time. I pinned up the cleavage dress a bit with a safety pin so it wasnt as obvious. We went to a restaurant, not a pub, so there weren't hordes of single men on the prowl. it was good. He did actually comment on the cleavage dress, just observing that it was a cleavage dress, and I said I didn't have many dresses that weren't. He said "What does that tell you?" but not in an 'off' way.
> 
> But it didn't get awkward. We had a good night. This is still obviously an issue in the back of his mind, but if I respect his feelings more and he tries to deal with his insecurity, then we should be okay.


Whats the difference in your mind, between your H being insecure about what you're wearing, and him having a legitimate concern?


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## Robsia

Because if his concern is that I'm going to stray, then he _doesn't_ have a legitimate concern.


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## Robsia

anonim said:


> Then again, what would you consider a legitimate concern?


If he is concerned that I don't find him attractive, again, he does not have a legitimate concern.

I don't know what other concern he would have.

ETA: Hmm - the post I just quoted was deleted. :scratchhead:


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