# I feel like a failure in bed



## wugu (Jul 30, 2012)

My fiance and I have been together for more than 2 years, we love each other. I am in my early 30s, and he is about 15 yrs older than me.

During these two years of us dating each other,when we made love, he maybe only climaxed 2-3 times. All the rest of the times, I got exausted and not excited anymore and dried out after 20-30 minuates of intercourse, i was totally tired, he did not come, then we have to use hands to help him to come. I admit that my sexual experience is not as rich as other 30s year old woman. I dont know fancy moves that can give a guy a special stimulation. But I alwasy natively believe that given a tight virgina, a guy should be able to come, no matter what.

But unfortunately, it was not the case. 
I feel like a loser. He also feel like a loser. I am confused. Is it my problem because my lacking fancy sex skill or is it because my boyfriend? What can I do to improve this situation? I love him, I want him to be able to enjoy sex more. Why is he taking a long time to come? After swtiching three positions and after roughly 30mins, he still could not come, it was endless.. And I was totally exausted and tired, and not aroused no more.

Before my fiance, I have no problem with my ex boyfriend, my ex can reach climax like in 15mins, and I never feel like it was too long for me. But with my fiance, sometimes having sex is a torture for me, especially after I got dry down there, he still try to penetrate, the friction hurts so much. 

Any suggestion on what I can do to improve this situation would help!
And I have read some posts on related issues before, yes, my fiance has been single for a long while (about 6 years or so)and he used to masturbate pretty heavily and he likes porn, he has been through a lot of stress too. 
In his previous relationships, he did not have this problem before. So this makes me feel that it was me who sucks at sex, causing the problem that he barely came. 
I suggested to him not masturbation while i was not with him, trying to see whether that helps. According to him, sometimes he stopped the masturbation for a few days, and then I came over (currently we only meet during the weekends), he still could not ejaculate. 

I want to do something to improve this situaion? Anyone, help?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Get (and use) some good lube so you don't get sore. Use foreplay to get him close to orgasm first. And no more masturbating for him till he can orgasm with you regularly. 

Having said that... I'm in a fairly new relationship (18 months) with my GF. And for whatever reason, I take longer to orgasm with her than I did with my previous partners. Yet I find her sexually more appealing, and physically she feels much better than they did. So I'm saying that it's because I enjoy the feeling, and my body is taking time to savor her. . So don't take it personally. But do be open to trying new positions. You could even watch some of his porn with him to see what he enjoys. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrcow (Jan 27, 2010)

My 1.5 cents: It's probably a good time for him to visit Dr.Schwartz (or any other urologist). I doubt that your physical features is the cause of the issue. As "this has never happened to him before" - hard to verify, if a man struggles with this issue for years, it is likely he won't want to admit it to you. If you would be physically unattractive, he probably even wouldn't be able to get it up, but this is not the case, as far as I understand. You can play for the team and pay a visit to gyn, say, routine checkup done earlier (don't say that to him, say that you're also doing your share to resolve the issue ), to encourage him to see the doc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I agree with Pbear.

My SO and I have such differences in how long it takes for us to orgasm.I can orgasm nearly right away and have a few more by the time he has even one.Sometimes he doesn't have one at all if we don't get creative
He says it's because he's psyching himself out and wants it to be perfect for me so he loses the urge to cum. 

the two of you need to communicate in the most open,understanding way possible to avoid feeling like blame is being placed.

We have managed to get to the point that when SO is taking forever I'll do or say something silly to make him laugh and get his mind off the "goal".Then we start cracking up and he usually goes soft,we take a little break to get our giggles out then I start rubbing him to get him back in the mood.We try again and he always finishes.

Experiment with different things like that.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Yes, lube is your friend. 

Coconut oil is great if you don't use condoms ... you just need to be careful of the ingredients in some lubes (like avoid those with glycerin or parabens in them) because having to use lube for extended periods can sometimes set some women up for infections (e.g., glycerin can cause yeast infections.)

Otherwise, it sounds like maybe your SO has a bit of delayed ejaculation? Has he always been like that?

Delayed ejaculation - PubMed Health

As well, you said that he is into masturbation and porn? Do you know to what extent? Sometimes the combo of those two things in a guy's life can cause him to have difficulties. Has he refrained completely for a period of time from these activities and see if it improves?

Are you two able to talk with each other about this, and try and work together toward a solution? Please consider getting a workable solution that both of you agree with before you go down the marriage path.

Best wishes.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Wugu

It seems to me this is his issue. There are no special 'moves' required to make a typical man cum. There are many women who can't orgasm from penetrative sex. Maybe he's the rare man that can't. Is he communicating to you what it is he feels he needs to orgasm with you? 

I too question whether or not he has given up the porn and masturbation. I've read that it can take several months of abstinence from the porn to break the pattern.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Wugu
> 
> It seems to me this is his issue. There are no special 'moves' required to make a typical man cum. There are many women who can't orgasm from penetrative sex. Maybe he's the rare man that can't. Is he communicating to you what it is he feels he needs to orgasm with you?
> 
> I too question whether or not he has given up the porn and masturbation. I've read that it can take several months of abstinence from the porn to break the pattern.


:iagree: This.
Also, considering your age differences, is it possible he is using Cialis or Viagra? Maybe without your knowledge?. This class of agents can lead to delayed ejaculation while improving erectile function. A lot of guys over 40 will use these drugs to maintain performance. Just a thought....


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## wugu (Jul 30, 2012)

thank you so much for all your helps.
I have to admit that I am not very experienced sexually. I will try my best to learn more moves or position to stimulate him. And i think my hand job is not as comparable to his own hand job, how can I improve to make him to get close to climax before intercourse...
And I like slow moves during sex, he likes it rough. when it gets rough, I hurt. And he does not like to use lube, I bring it up many times to use lube, he refuses to.


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

wugu said:


> And i think my hand job is not as comparable to his own hand job, how can I improve to make him to get close to climax before intercourse… And he does not like to use lube, I bring it up many times to use lube, he refuses to.


Start with a hand job using lube, then move to the main event maybe? Have you experimented with oral? 

I took longer and longer to come as I got older. 

Also, a particular medicine I took delayed ejaculation almost indefinitely while I took it and for over a year afterwards.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

wugu said:


> thank you so much for all your helps.
> I have to admit that I am not very experienced sexually. I will try my best to learn more moves or position to stimulate him. And i think my hand job is not as comparable to his own hand job, how can I improve to make him to get close to climax before intercourse...
> And I like slow moves during sex, he likes it rough. when it gets rough, I hurt. And he does not like to use lube, I bring it up many times to use lube, he refuses to.


Tape some sandpaper on your fingers, and give him a handjob to let him see what the lack of lube is like. 

I swear to god, I have no idea what's going through the head of some of these guys...

As far as your actual question, put his hand over yours and get him to show you how he pleasures himself. So you can feel the tempo and pressures he likes. Make sure you do it with dry hands, though...

C


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## wugu (Jul 30, 2012)

Is there a nice detailed book on how to give a blow job?

Dont laugh at me, I personally do not quite like blow job, with my ex, all i did was hand job. 

But for my beloved fiance, I started to give him bj, but I dont think i am good at it, he was not aroused based on my observation. So any suggestion from your end would help, i want to read a book or watch some dvds to learn skills to make him feel good.


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## MWD (Jul 16, 2012)

Ask him what feels good. 

-MWD


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

too much porn and to strong a grip.

sit down and tell him to use some lube for crying out loud.whats this I refuse crap if he not going to use he can stop and lick your box until it get wet again then back to intercourse.


single for 6 yrs hes been looking at some porn for sure ....he might be desensitized to what normal sex should be like.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

wugu said:


> Is there a nice detailed book on how to give a blow job?
> 
> Dont laugh at me, I personally do not quite like blow job, with my ex, all i did was hand job.
> 
> But for my beloved fiance, I started to give him bj, but I dont think i am good at it, he was not aroused based on my observation. So any suggestion from your end would help, i want to read a book or watch some dvds to learn skills to make him feel good.


is that why hes your X?


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## wugu (Jul 30, 2012)

why is it so important to have oral? For me, I prefer fingering better an oral..

i guess another possibility is that he is sleep deprived. only about 5hrs sleepy everyday,


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

We are all responsible for our own orgasms.


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