# How can I get him OFF and OUT of my Mind!



## Insanity022 (Nov 2, 2020)

ADVICE ON HOW TO WASH THIS MAN OUT OF MY SOUL!??
This was my second marriage. 1st marriage of 15 years ended due to abusive behavior towards kids.
Years later I entered my second marriage with a man who I am truly attracted to and love, but who I kind-of knew may not be the best for me...anyway (we do what we do) and now, 7 years later...I found him passed out on the couch mid sexting, with a women, I then learn, he was cheating on me with physically...on and off for a year. For a year! Lies and deception. Looking me in the eyes and saying I love you, sleeping with me... you get the picture. Before I found out, I started to feel our marriage was rocky... I knew something wasn't right. We went to counseling (yes he willing agreed to go) where he said nothing about anything at all and especially not of this... and where I obviously wasted my time, money and emotions! He just kept saying he loved me and we would work through whatever...I thought I was crazy!! Now, after finding out about the infidelity, he wanted me back...he was so sorry for hurting me...he wanted to spend his life making it up to me...on and on... And boy, my heart wants me to believe him. I asked him what he was thinking about me throughout all the cheating and his reply is "...I had a wife at home that I loved, there was no emotional attachment in the cheating, so if I could live out a fantasy and then move on, then why not".
And now he doesn't understand why I wont take him back when he says he will never cheat again. He believes he loves me but he also believes that what he did was not such a big deal because he loved me.... what???? Some people can tell themselves something and then convince themselves of what they are saying. My (logical) mind overrules my heart but it is not easy - I battle with myself daily. I understand what he did. I would tell anyone to run... but, the real problem now is ME and my insecurities. I cant shake him from my mind. I cant shake the underlying want and desire for the life I expected to live with him through our old age (albeit a complete fantasy obviously). My heart just loves him and I know I can never take him back because we would both be miserable...and why do I continue to even think it. I cant seem to embrace being alone, even though I enjoy much about it. I dont know how to meet someone else, COVID has made it even harder. I dont want to spend my next 20 years without having someone to love. ADVICE ON HOW TO WASH THIS MAN OUT OF MY HAIR!!!!!?????


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Insanity022 said:


> Some people can tell themselves something and then convince themselves of what they are saying


Cheater's Handbook, Chapter 16 - they even convince themselves that it was all YOUR fault....

You need to look at this guy for what he REALLY IS.... not who he is in your dreams, in your fantasies, in your aspirations.... who he REALLY IS, a lying, situational-ethics, selfish, son-of-a-***** POS. Then it will easy to "wash him out".....


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don’t trust your heart. It will try to convince you against your best interest. Trust your brain. It’s telling you the truth — he will do this again because he saw no real problem with it. He’s like many cheaters who want to stay married while having a little fun on the side. I was married to one just like that for decades. He never changed. The only thing that helped me recover was time. There’s no timetable for this — it takes as long as it takes. But if you give in, the cycle will repeat because he will know he can talk you back whenever he chooses. Don’t. Ever.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Insanity022 said:


> ADVICE ON HOW TO WASH THIS MAN OUT OF MY SOUL!??
> This was my second marriage. 1st marriage of 15 years ended due to abusive behavior towards kids.
> Years later I entered my second marriage with a man who I am truly attracted to and love, but who I kind-of knew may not be the best for me...anyway (we do what we do) and now, 7 years later...I found him passed out on the couch mid sexting, with a women, I then learn, he was cheating on me with physically...on and off for a year. For a year! Lies and deception. Looking me in the eyes and saying I love you, sleeping with me... you get the picture. Before I found out, I started to feel our marriage was rocky... I knew something wasn't right. We went to counseling (yes he willing agreed to go) where he said nothing about anything at all and especially not of this... and where I obviously wasted my time, money and emotions! He just kept saying he loved me and we would work through whatever...I thought I was crazy!! Now, after finding out about the infidelity, he wanted me back...he was so sorry for hurting me...he wanted to spend his life making it up to me...on and on... And boy, my heart wants me to believe him. I asked him what he was thinking about me throughout all the cheating and his reply is "...I had a wife at home that I loved, there was no emotional attachment in the cheating, so if I could live out a fantasy and then move on, then why not".
> And now he doesn't understand why I wont take him back when he says he will never cheat again. He believes he loves me but he also believes that what he did was not such a big deal because he loved me.... what???? Some people can tell themselves something and then convince themselves of what they are saying. My (logical) mind overrules my heart but it is not easy - I battle with myself daily. I understand what he did. I would tell anyone to run... but, the real problem now is ME and my insecurities. I cant shake him from my mind. I cant shake the underlying want and desire for the life I expected to live with him through our old age (albeit a complete fantasy obviously). My heart just loves him and I know I can never take him back because we would both be miserable...and why do I continue to even think it. I cant seem to embrace being alone, even though I enjoy much about it. I dont know how to meet someone else, COVID has made it even harder. I dont want to spend my next 20 years without having someone to love. ADVICE ON HOW TO WASH THIS MAN OUT OF MY HAIR!!!!!?????


This is because of what a cheater does to their spouse. They not only rob us of our safety, our sense of identity, our family, our financial peace, our homes, our health and our right to have a say in who our spouse has sex with; they rob us of our hopes and dreams. 
Do you remember that movie Saving Private Ryan? Where the soldier is wrestling with the German soldier and then the German soldier pins him down and slowly sinks the knife into his heart while he desperately whispers “No, no! Please!” That’s what I feel like happened to me. Except in my reality, he was my ally, he was my partner, and I didn’t even try to defend myself. So now, we have to deal with not only the fact we have this grievous wound, but also it was caused by a traitor. Someone who was supposed to have our back. That’s not easy.

And to make matters worse, they had a year or however long to work on not loving us and then all the time they were actually in the affair itself, getting used to the idea of not caring and talking themselves into all kinds of false realities to make their actions ok. We had zero time to prepare ourselves mentally. It would be a hell of a lot easier if that love could just be extinguished but it can’t. We just have to go through the grief of losing everything, suddenly and traumatically.

Ive actually begun to care very little about if I will find a man. I care more about not living in this nightmare hell. I’ll take peaceful and single with 100 cats over this sh!t any day of the week. I’ll take a group of amazing friends and no man over having this life. Now it’s just survival until that happens. But I don’t fault you, I’ve had the same thoughts about nobody loving me and being alone forever so on and so forth. But guess what, there are women cheating on their husbands too and there are good men getting divorced as we speak. I don’t think it’ll be an issue if that’s what you desire. But you do need to fully heal from this trauma and get to a place where you can be ready when that good man does come into your life. A good man doesn’t deserve some broken shadow of a woman, they deserve all the love and loyalty you poured into the cheater. And you deserve to have that in return.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its sounds as if all of this is recent, and tell me if I am wrong but it sounds as if you are still having contact with him. Cut off all contact, only then will you gradually begin to heal and move forward. Never ever stay with a man just because you are worried about being alone. 
Honestly you dont cheat on someone you love. He also doesn't even seem to think it was wrong, so will likely do it again.


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## Insanity022 (Nov 2, 2020)

Thank you all - it feels good to hear from you all. I have felt very isolated with this as its not something I want to burden my friends and family with every whiney thought I have round and round and round. Appreciate all the great insight and advice!!!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Insanity022 said:


> Thank you all - it feels good to hear from you all. I have felt very isolated with this as its not something I want to burden my friends and family with every whiney thought I have round and round and round. Appreciate all the great insight and advice!!!!


This is why we are here.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

"ADVICE ON HOW TO WASH THIS MAN OUT OF MY SOUL!??
... his reply is "...I had a wife at home that I loved, there was no emotional attachment in the cheating, so if I could live out a fantasy and then move on, then why not".
And now he doesn't understand why I wont take him back when he says he will never cheat again. He believes he loves me but he also believes that what he did was not such a big deal because he loved me...."


You are stable. He is not. You have morals/character. He does not. Y'all have different beliefs when it comes to cheating, marriage, relationship. (Although I think he is a lying scoundrel.)

Shampoo with what he is or is not--what you thought about him is unfortunately your fantasy--his was f------others. If he would never cheat again, why did he do it the this time--likely not the first considering his beliefs? If he wanted an open marriage, he should have included you in the plans. Would he not have cared if you had cheated and fulfilled your fantasies?

Allow yourself to see what he really is--worthless. The pain of living without him has got to be better than the pain of living with him. Be a survivor, not a victim.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Insanity022 He is allowed to cheat on you because he loves you? I mean....









Seriously? That shows some seriously messed up thinking. Though 'thinking' is probably way above his pay grade.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> @Insanity022 He is allowed to cheat on you because he loves you? I mean....
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Yes! Must admit thats a cheaters excuse I havent heard before.


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## Insanity022 (Nov 2, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> @Insanity022 He is allowed to cheat on you because he loves you? I mean....
> 
> 
> 
> ...


hahah MattMatt - too funny, thanks for the laugh and for putting it into obvious perspective... I dont know how I allow myself to think otherwise.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Well, let me put the serious explanation for that weird thinking.

If you love s person you want that person to be happy, right? So if having sex with another person makes them happy, well... You won't mind them cheating, yes? How about no?


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

If I had a way to instantly change your memories/feelings/thoughts I'd tell you, but instead I'm going to tell you to change your expectations on the subject. Expect it will take time, expect you'll experience some irrational thoughts, but keep reminding yourself of sensible things and expect you will get past this.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Married 15 years and then married for 7 years, you're no spring chicken, my dear. You should know this is the way it goes. Cheaters say all kinds of stupid things to get people to do as they want them to do. You should know not to listen to his bull or let it get all hung up in your head. But you listen because you're hurting and you're wanting him. You're wanting him to want you. You need to hear his voice so you let him say the things you want to hear, and you want to believe it all. You need to know you mean something to him even though you really know better. Go to *ChumpLady.com* so you can learn how to untangle the skein.

I'm not saying you asked for this. I'm saying you knew he wasn't right for you but you ignored your instincts. He proved to be himself, the person that he is, the man you knew he was or at least suspected he was. No surprises there, but you're understandably disappointed still. I'm just saying you shouldn't blame him entirely for not being the man you hoped he would be because he never was. There was something that made you question his suitability, and this is the answer to your question.

The way to wash him out of your soul is to evict him from that residence. Stop listening to him and cut off all contact. Stop thinking about him by occupying your thoughts otherwise. When I desperately wanted to get a man out of my hair, I knew I had to find a way to get him off my mind. I first thought about going to the movies but decided a couple hours wasn't nearly long enough. It then occurred to me to find a good book to read because it would be engrossing and capture my thoughts within its pages. It worked like a charm. When I emerged from the book a couple days later, my thoughts of ex boyfriend and the breakup weren't nearly so intense. I was able to think straight, and he felt like a distant memory. I would have read a second book if I needed to but the one book did the trick.

So you can get past him, but you'll still have to deal with the hurtful knowledge of being cheated on. The ChumpLady site can help you with that. It's good for the soul, but be careful not to find yourself years down the road still wallowing and complaining about it. Use the site for a time to help you get through but be determined not
to let it continue to destroy you emotionally. Get over it and move on with your life at some point. The sooner, the better.


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## Insanity022 (Nov 2, 2020)

Thank you all!! This all feels very helpful!


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

We tend to think of people as "good" or "bad", but so few people are all one or the other the label is useless.

Maybe he has lots of good qualities, but he is unfaithful, so you divorced him. Divorcing someone doesn't mean you hate them or they should be crucified, it just means you didn't want to be married to them. I think you made the right call.

I believe everything you say about the emotions you're experiencing. Divorce is a big deal and often very hard. There is no shame in getting counseling to deal with it. And of course post here if it helps.


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## Insanity022 (Nov 2, 2020)

I wrote this to my "to be X' today: 
RAS I have to tell you that I am finalizing the divorce. The lawyers are asking
to move it along and regardless of what you and I may or may not decide later
I'm going to let the current marriage dissolve. While this is another jarring,
emotional and totally sad end step for me to take, the damage to this marriage
has been done, the vows have been turned meaningless and for legal reasons I
feel this is the best step.

His Response: First who the hell cares what the lawyers want. Second we still love each other Third we can still have something special 4 You and I both know there will be no more us if we get divorced 
That's the thread I have been fighting for. Why fight for it if we are divorced. 5 We both are hurting and the only way for that to stop will for us to be together. 6. I have been trying to explain to you in your language and telling you in your language instead of just being myself. 7. It's really not to late if we both just let the past be the past. and let the future just be us 8. We both know I made a huge mistake. but adding on a much bigger mistake by getting divorced is well there's no word for that. This is my last ditch effort to save us. I love you I know I made the biggest mistake imaginable but I also know I love you and would love to have the opportunity everyday to show you my love. I cant fix the past but I can improve the future 
Well if your bent on getting a divorce this will obviously be my last plea for us. I love you carol I have since day one. I am asking you to please forgive me and let us have a life together.

(And I just keep wondering where that love for me was during the year+ affair...that didnt stop until it was caught)...
What say you? Should I respond?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your comment about what may or may not happen in the future likely made him think there was still a chance. If there isn’t, no response is necessary. He obviously doesn’t want a divorce. Considering that he doesn’t think what he did was all that bad, there’s the likelihood he’ll repeat it if you take him back. Only you know if you can live that way.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Cheaters very often swear that they love their spouse. And perhaps they do — in their own way but obviously their way is not enough to stop them from cheating. I lived with that for decades and I don’t recommend it. You trust a cheater at your own risk.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Reminder.....


StarFires said:


> Married 15 years and then married for 7 years, you're no spring chicken, my dear. You should know this is the way it goes. Cheaters say all kinds of stupid things to get people to do as they want them to do. You should know not to listen to his bull or let it get all hung up in your head. But you listen because you're hurting and you're wanting him. You're wanting him to want you. You need to hear his voice so you let him say the things you want to hear, and you want to believe it all. You need to know you mean something to him even though you really know better. Go to *ChumpLady.com* so you can learn how to untangle the skein.


Stop sending him invitations to your marriage.
Stop sending him invitations to a relationship with you.
Stop sending him invitations to communicate with you.
Stop sending him invitations to stay on your mind.
Stop sending him invitations to beg you some more.
Stop sending him invitations to tell you he loves you.
Stop sending him invitations to your heartache.
Stop sending him invitations to your pity party.
Stop sending him invitations to his residence in your soul.

Stop sending him invitations!

Instead of finding ways to keep doing what you claim you don't want to do, start finding ways to actually do what you say. I gave you a good method, so do it. I also gave you a good website to visit to help you through this awful time, so go there and start healing and moving on with your life.

It wasn't bad enough that he cheated on you. He's now threatening you because he knows you're scared and hurting. So after you invited him to a relationship post-divorce, he threatened there will be no relationship if you divorce him in order to prevent the divorce. Stop allowing him to scare you. Stop allowing him to say or text anything at all to you.

Cut off all communication with him. You know he didn't need you to tell him you are proceeding with the divorce. The papers in the mail or from the process server will be all that he needs. Your heart is playing tricks on you, so you keep trying to think up every possible way that you can to stay in communication with him.

What you're going through is hard as hell. Breakups are painful anyway, and you have the added element of infidelity that makes it that much harder. Your whole world is rocked. Your identity and sense of self are turned upside down so you feel desperate. But you have to fight all that so you can get to the point of making better decisions. Fight it so you can make it to the day that you're glad to be rid of him.

Begin now to really get him off your mind and out of your soul.


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## Insanity022 (Nov 2, 2020)

thank you...


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Insanity022 said:


> I wrote this to my "to be X' today:
> RAS I have to tell you that I am finalizing the divorce. The lawyers are asking
> to move it along and regardless of what you and I may or may not decide later
> I'm going to let the current marriage dissolve. While this is another jarring,
> ...


I think this is what makes it so much harder. That they say everything possible to try and keep the relationship. I think it makes you doubt yourself, and what your decisions are, your actions. There is some desperate part that wants validation that the marriage wasn’t a sham, a mistake, a failure. There is something that feels GOOD about the apologies and the begging which is dangerous. Then there is the heart that just wants to be put back together. The parts that hurt constantly, begging to to be un hurt. (Toni Braxton is singing in my brain currently)
I have to CONSTANTLY ask myself, do I believe the words? Sometimes I actually do. Then I have to ask, would staying make my pain go away? In part. But when I strip away the fear and look into my future if I stayed... it makes me sick to even think about it.
So, I guess I wouldn’t say anything, just try to work through your own feelings and keep steeping your thoughts in reality so that you don’t let your walls down enough to do something stupid. That’s all we can do at vulnerable times I think. For me it tends to be so much easier when the anger and resentment is on display rather than the love bombing behavior. It’s like psychological warfare.


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