# Don't think my H finds me 'sexy'...



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Men... do you tell your W you think she is sexy?

I have wondered for a while whether H finds me attractive any more. It is an on going issue. We were watching the TV yesterday and there was a pretty woman on. He made a comment about her being ( and yes I quote!) "Hubba hubba." 

OK. Yeh he never says that phrase ever! It just really stood out because I realized he NEVER EVER says anything like that about me. Nothing that describes me as being sexy in any way.

The most I get is a surprised "you look nice." I cannot remember him saying "wow" or "you look hot!" or "you're so sexy." Not even during sex. He finds it apparently very easy to comment on someone on TV or elsewhere. I am seriously wondering if he just sees me as *not* sexy.

I should say I have not let myself go, or anything like that. In fact I put more effort in to my appearance and how I come across than ever.

I *know* it is not everything but I WANT him to think of me like these women he clearly finds very attractive, but I can only assume he sees me differently because of how he treats me.

Any insights from the guys?


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

I think the question is, do you think you're sexy?


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I am so tired of trying, M. I am tired.

Do *I* think I am sexy? Yeah. I do. Just not to him.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

walkingwounded said:


> I am so tired of trying, M. I am tired.
> 
> Do *I* think I am sexy? Yeah. I do. Just not to him.


Why are you trying for him?

And, what do you mean you think you are sexy BUT just not to him? 

Girl, you are sexy, damn it. Who cares what he or anyone else thinks of you. You are sexy and leave it at that.

I always saw myself as sexy. I don't care what anyone else thinks. If they think I'm sexy, good for them. If they don't, I don't care. That's their problem. 

btw, have you asked your husband if he thinks you're sexy?


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

I said something similar to my H one time (that he never says I'm sexy) and he was hurt, honestly. He absolutely thinks I'm sexy but to him, saying something like that to me is a little disrespectful or not worthy of something he would say to his wife. It sounds a little weird but he sees it as a form of respect for me. I'm his wife and he places me on a higher level than some random hot chick. 

I wish he would say it sometimes but I know he thinks I'm sexy. Just using that kind of language doesn't come naturally for him and he finds it awkward to say to me. He can't get over feeling like he's somehow putting me down or disrespecting me by using that language. But he SHOWS me which is much better!


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Fallen Leaf said:


> Why are you trying for him?
> 
> And, what do you mean you think you are sexy BUT just not to him?
> 
> ...


I like your style 

Am trying for me. Improving to be the "me" I want to be. I had hoped H would come along but recently realizing I was doing it to change HIM. Wrong. I feel sad.

My feeling is he sees me as "nice." You know, dependable, solid. Great qualities but not inherently sexual. A bit of a Madonna complex I have wondered. Lovely and wholesome but not sexy.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Confidence is sexy.

On a scale of 1 to 10 where are you in the confidence department? How about your sexual confidence? How bold are you? Are you adventurous?

My husband mostly says I'm cute. But there are times... I see it in his eyes. I'm not cute those times, I'm sexy as hell. Maybe it was something he caught me doing or heard me saying, but cute can turn sexy with me with a look. 

Can you do that?


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

justonelife said:


> I said something similar to my H one time (that he never says I'm sexy) and he was hurt, honestly. He absolutely thinks I'm sexy but to him, saying something like that to me is a little disrespectful or not worthy of something he would say to his wife. It sounds a little weird but he sees it as a form of respect for me. I'm his wife and he places me on a higher level than some random hot chick.
> 
> I wish he would say it sometimes but I know he thinks I'm sexy. Just using that kind of language doesn't come naturally for him and he finds it awkward to say to me. He can't get over feeling like he's somehow putting me down or disrespecting me by using that language. But he SHOWS me which is much better!


I get that. I can understand it. H CAN find that language... for random women fdom the TV or wherever. It is actually painfull to hear it. He had a near EA two years ago and it was that that set me off. I have felt since then that he sees me differently from attractive women he comments on. He says of course he does and in other areas he is an honest guy but admits he is tactfull with personal things for fear of hurting me so I have no way of knowing if he is being honest.

I mean I could list stuff he says and does or does not do that leads me to think this. If it were as simple as do we have sex, then I would know the answer is yes. Does he lust after me though? Ha. No.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Confidence is sexy.
> 
> On a scale of 1 to 10 where are you in the confidence department? How about your sexual confidence? How bold are you? Are you adventurous?
> 
> ...


With him? I used to be a 10. Dead on. 

Then he inexplicably started turning me down last year. Every time I initiated for six months. We would only have sex when he wanted. Bam, esteem at zero. Has not truly recovered yet.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I shamelessly talk trash to my wife every day the sun rises.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> I get that. I can understand it. H CAN find that language... for random women fdom the TV or wherever. It is actually painfull to hear it. He had a near EA two years ago and it was that that set me off. I have felt since then that he sees me differently from attractive women he comments on. He says of course he does and in other areas he is an honest guy but admits *he is tactfull with personal things for fear of hurting me *so I have no way of knowing if he is being honest.
> 
> I mean I could list stuff he says and does or does not do that leads me to think this. If it were as simple as do we have sex, then I would know the answer is yes. Does he lust after me though? Ha. No.


So he's unsure of offending you...

I confess, I have a filthy mouth. I'm sure my husband loves this about me, but he wouldn't have known it had I not been bold enough to express myself that way to him. I have class and style, but in the privacy of our home I am quite a dirty girl. 

Was there a time he said something to you that you frowned on? Any idea he may have had that you scrunched your nose at? Think about that for a minute. Guys pay attention to us more than we think they do, especially when they open up to us about something they were thinking.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

walkingwounded said:


> I like your style
> 
> Am trying for me. Improving to be the "me" I want to be. I had hoped H would come along but recently realizing I was doing it to change HIM. Wrong. I feel sad.
> 
> *My feeling is he sees me as "nice." You know, dependable, solid. Great qualities but not inherently sexual. A bit of a Madonna complex I have wondered. Lovely and wholesome but not sexy*.


Do you like that? If you do and if that's all you need to know of what he thinks of you then why does it bother you if he thinks some other chick is hot? I guess my point is, why do you need to have his approval that you are sexy, when he has already proved to you that he likes you as you've described in the bold.

My husband would never say some other girl is hotter than me, but he also doesn't say any girls is better at anything to me. Maybe it's that. Maybe it's the feeling of disrespect to express that some other girls is sexy which makes you feel like she's better than you? It probably has nothing to do with being sexy but more of just saying some other girl has something he's found attractive. If that's the case, maybe ask him to not say those things because it makes you feel disrespected.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> A bit much she's admitted to being turned off by talking dirty and he wants it.


Missed that, thanks.

Well there it is. 

I'm a gal that will do whatever pleases my husband, as long as it doesn't hurt me. A little dirty talk is a small request IMO. And really there IS a way to do it without being completely vulgar so one has to find balance.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I have a similar relationship with my wife (as WW does with her husband). She makes me feel stifled like I'm walking on eggshells. You can't really say what you want or talk dirty or whatever because she's very likely to react badly. If I touch her it's either too soft or too hard. But then if I refuse to touch her she insists that it's ok and gets her feelings hurt. It's so much work, and like I said I feel stifled. It's a big turn off. Objectively I think my wife is sexy, but realistically I think she's sexy but it doesn't do me any good. It's like a piece of cake that you're not allowed to eat.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I actually have no problem per se with dirty talk. I did say I was pissed at him for asking because that was said in the context of what can he do to help build my confidence? The answer to that for him was to ask for something he wanted for himself. It had nothing to do with him showing he found me attractive and helping build up my esteem. We have done that before. He knows that. He also knows that I do not feel comfortable that he won't reject me so I do not yet feel I can put myself out there.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> He also knows that I do not feel comfortable that he won't reject me so I do not yet feel I can put myself out there.


I can totally relate to this too. So much past rejection that I'm not really willing to initiate. She thinks it no longer happens, but as I described above it basically happens every time we have sex. Ugg.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I have a similar relationship with my wife (as WW does with her husband). She makes me feel stifled like I'm walking on eggshells. You can't really say what you want or talk dirty or whatever because she's very likely to react badly. If I touch her it's either too soft or too hard. But then if I refuse to touch her she insists that it's ok and gets her feelings hurt. It's so much work, and like I said I feel stifled. It's a big turn off. Objectively I think my wife is sexy, but realistically I think she's sexy but it doesn't do me any good. It's like a piece of cake that you're not allowed to eat.


I get it. Totally understand why you feel like you do, that kind of environment sucks really. You can't be yourself around her and it's depressing.

If my husband can't be himself around me, then what is the point? Our marriages should be the safe place to do these things in. Our spouses should be the safe people to do these things with.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> I actually have no problem per se with dirty talk. I did say I was pissed at him for asking because that was said in the context of what can he do to help build my confidence? The answer to that for him was to ask for something he wanted for himself. It had nothing to do with him showing he found me attractive and helping build up my esteem. We have done that before. He knows that. He also knows that I do not feel comfortable that he won't reject me so I do not yet feel I can put myself out there.


It's cyclical.

If you talk dirty to him, he becomes more attracted to you... lusty. If you are lusted after, you become more confident and sexy. Someone has to start it. You're the one asking why he says it about others, when if you changed your mindset and put yourself out there, you could be the one he's woofing at.

Holding his thoughts against him is what got you here. He's stopped sharing.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Holding his thoughts against him is what got you here. He's stopped sharing.


There is A LOT of insight in this statement.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I have to wonder if he is remorseful about the affair, or if he's just tried to rug sweep.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

The EA is a symptom, not the true problem IMO.

That's not to say his actions are to be dismissed. He betrayed trust and that's not a small matter at all.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Seriously? I do not usually take stuff to heart on here but given the stuff that H has done, I find it upsetting that people do not get that my H showing he finds other women sexy yet consistently showing he does not feel that way about me would upset me. Coming from a W who has made sure she has been the best W she can be, including in the bedroom. I have scaled back on dirty talk and other stuff because I was giving so much and not getting the same consideration by miles.

I am sensitive... but believe me, stuff like this would not have registered on my radar previously. There is a reason why I am sensitive, and it is not just so my marriage difficulties can be blamed on it. H pissed all over me and now here I am trying to mend it all on my own. 

Thanks guys. I thought better of you than this.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I actually have a similar thing with my STBW that has kind of been ongoing. I am constantly telling her how sexy she is, beautiful, hot, groping, and she LOVES it, and so do I, and I mean every bit of it...I think she is sexy as hell. I never say anything about any other women either. She knows I only have eyes for her.

The issue we have is the opposite. She likes her men, and has made it known who she thinks is hot, all that. Song comes on the radio, and she drops a 'damn he makes my toes curl' but she can't seem to do the same for me. Very seldom will she tell me things like that. She has stopped with the pointing things out about other men, but just hasn't picked up the whole saying it about me. 

She says she feels it for me, and I believe her completely. One of the things she said that makes it difficult for her is that she has never been in a relationship where she felt like she was the less attractive partner, and that I am a universally attractive man. So it appears that there is some bit of inferiority feelings going on.

The point we always come back to when I bring the issue up is the fact that we have sex 10-15 times per week, initiated more often by her. Before me, her drive had always been 2-3 times per week at the most.

I do think this is one of those differences in love languages. I would like the words of affirmation, and she is giving the action itself.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> Seriously? I do not usually take stuff to heart on here but given the stuff that H has done, I find it upsetting that people do not get that my H showing he finds other women sexy yet consistently showing he does not feel that way about me would upset me. Coming from a W who has made sure she has been the best W she can be, including in the bedroom. I have scaled back on dirty talk and other stuff because I was giving so much and not getting the same consideration by miles.
> 
> I am sensitive... but believe me, stuff like this would not have registered on my radar previously. There is a reason why I am sensitive, and it is not just so my marriage difficulties can be blamed on it. H pissed all over me and now here I am trying to mend it all on my own.
> 
> Thanks guys. I thought better of you than this.


No one is saying you shouldn't feel one way or another. 

But lets look at facts.

Whatever he has done, whatever he is doing, you WW are still there. If you feel pissed on at this point, then I'm sorry to say that is all on you. Trying to mend it on your own is NOT a way to heal a marriage. It takes 2. If he's truly NOT there for you the way you need him to be, then you need to take control and do what is best for you.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I think sit here and cry right now Mavash. Won't get anything done will it but it's what I feel like right now.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> When I was where you are I cried every day for 3 weeks. I know what you are going through and it SUCKS ASS.
> 
> I knew I had to let my husband go and I thought it would kill me.
> 
> I wasn't going to divorce him but I was no longer going to put forth effort into our marriage. I was DONE.


I don't know what I am doing. Still hoping for something. Old habits die hard and all that.

It ain't happening though. I get so angry when I think of how much work I have put into this. Him? Not a lot. He hates me being on here now or readi g self help books. Said last week those books are for people that don't have a clue.

Well guess what... that's how I feel. 

I do not get him at all. He said something the other day that was so insightfull and sensitive I was literally lost for words... I got a home gym to use for working out and we were discussing workouts... he brought up how he was hesitant about me doing it because after his EA situation, I started taking gym classes to feel better about myself... I lost around 14pounds quite quickly and allthough I was not hugely over weight, it clearly showed because people said I looked ill and H didn't like it, said the same. He said he saw that and felt just awful because he knew I was doing it because of what he had done and how I felt bad about myself because of it and was doing it to make me feel better about myself.

Well I was shocked. I genuinely had NO CLUE he was that tuned in to put all that together. Which is why all the rest of this throws me. He is clearly not stupid.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I was being persistent with that. Said I don't know isn't an answer and he is a lot cleverer than he would have me believe... at times he comes out with stuff like I mentioned and says he never mentions it because he feels bad. So he locks it all up inside and feigns stupidity.

Very very recently I have lost all patience with him. And I am also very angry at ME. I just have been speaking my thoughts this week. I have been a royal ***** at times and I have to say the entertainment value has been great... he hss been so confused. I do not feel bad... I say that I am saying what I think because otherwise he will walk all over me. Which is true. Thing is he knows this is true to a degree so he has nothing to argue back with.

Also he does not know what to do when he cannot get his own way by nicing it up. Calling him on it means it does not work. It is against my nature to be argumentative but speaking up like that is the only way to stop him doing it.

We have barely spoken since he came in from work. The topic at hand was mentioned briefly. He threw it back at me saying I do it... Um no I do not. He wsnted us to go out but I said I did not want to so he stormed off. Came back mot long ago and we have barely spoken. Not good.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Somebody posted a link to the Drama Triange somewhere on here recently.

WW, it appears you are caught in the giver/pleaser role. Time to be the "bad, selfish" role, get yourself out of the triangle, and get exactly what you want. You deserve it.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Wow did H get pissed at me today!

We argued. He said he again DOES feel that way about me. Felt we had a good sexual vibe. 

He said he does not get what I want. He is confused. He says saying I am 'nice' has different meanings to each of us. To him he kinda explained he means it differently. I guess to mean I look "good" which isn't the sugary "nice" I interpret it as.

He asked me why had I said x guy on TV looked nice then (re my OP... said it in gentle retaliation.) I explained I had said it to get a reaction. He asked me to explain. I have allways only had eyes for H. I felt making out I was "noticing" other guys would register with him and he would think he would need to up his game.

Yeah he did NOT like that. Stormed out. Came back later. Wanted to make up. All doe eyed. Said did we want to argue all day? I said yes if he was not ready to listen and do something.

Now we are OK. Pleasant and all. That's it. I have no idea of what to do.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Oh and he said something else.

When we were talking about "sexy", he said "but" I was really quiet. What? I asked?

He said I was quiet. I do not say much. In a room full of people I quietly come in. I'm not loud or walk in and be noticed.

I did ask but I still do not understand except may be he equates sexy with a more "in your face" personality?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Said it before and I'll say it again...

CONFIDENCE = SEXY


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Yeah. I hear you. Thing is in my every day life I am pretty quiet... but that in no way means I am not confident. Quiet does not = no confidence.

In the context of my and H's relationship I used to be super confident, particularly in the bedroom. Any change from that I can lay solely at the feet of H. 

Example... I just got dressed up to go out for an early dinner with H. Pretty dress, low cut, with red heels. Smoky black eyes and hair loose over my shoulders. I walked out of the bedroom feeling like a million dollars. I look great :-D

H sees me strutt in smiling. Looks at me. Turns away like he is not saying anything. Turns back. "You look nice. No you look lovely. I mean sexy."

"Oh thanks!" The effort is appreciated. But he sure can muster up a whole lot of enthusiasm when it comes to commenting on random women on TV. With me it is clearly a big effort. That sucks. As far as he is concerned I would have got the same reaction rolling out in jeans and a T. He cannot say I don't make an effort. Easy how quick he can cut me down.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> Yeah. I hear you. Thing is in my every day life I am pretty quiet... but that in no way means I am not confident. Quiet does not = no confidence.
> 
> In the context of my and H's relationship I used to be super confident, particularly in the bedroom. Any change from that I can lay solely at the feet of H.
> 
> ...


He can't cut you down. Your confidence is within you and should show outwardly. There shouldn't be anything he can say (especially with his track record) that should cause you to feel 'less' than all that you truly are.

If you carried yourself in a way that exuded appeal and confidence he would not know what to do with that and alternatively find it alluring and attractive. You want him sniffing after you then you have to give him MORE than the quiet, predictable you. I say predictable because your default is not somewhere in the middle. He knows what to expect. You have to work at giving him more he won't expect. 



> H sees me strutt in smiling. Looks at me. Turns away like he is not saying anything. Turns back. "You look nice. No you look lovely. I mean sexy."


I think in this instance you caught him off guard. He didn't know what to say. That's what I'm talking about. You need more of that kind of attitude. The I'm a badass and you KNOW it attitude. Strut more. Flirt more. My husband has a very hard time NOT being up in my face because I'm constantly keeping him on his toes. He doesn't know what I will say at any given moment or do for that matter. It keeps things hot between us.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> I do not get him at all. He said something the other day that was so insightfull and sensitive I was literally lost for words... I got a home gym to use for working out and we were discussing workouts... he brought up how he was hesitant about me doing it because after his EA situation, I started taking gym classes to feel better about myself... I lost around 14pounds quite quickly and allthough I was not hugely over weight, it clearly showed because people said I looked ill and H didn't like it, said the same. He said he saw that and felt just awful because he knew I was doing it because of what he had done and how I felt bad about myself because of it and was doing it to make me feel better about myself.
> 
> Well I was shocked. I genuinely had NO CLUE he was that tuned in to put all that together. Which is why all the rest of this throws me. He is clearly not stupid.


Please read this again.
And maybe one more time after that.

See how you he led you, told YOU what to think, and put those thoughts right into your head?

Oh, he's magic! He read your mind? 
Brick on a stick. 

He "knew" why you were doing what you were doing? Good grief. And you fell for it!

It's not too late. Go tell him the real reasons why you bought the home gym. The ones you told us. It has NOTHING to do with him. Stay with it. It's tough. But YOU are in there.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I have some male friends. H cares not. Not at all. 

If I made *new* friends that could possibly stir something. I feel H would see it as a contrived ploy to make him jealous. I very much doubt ( and have done for a while) that H would feel anything like jealousy or that insight you mentioned M, unless he saw me on top of another man. Seriously. I made a new guy friend when I started skating who clearly liked me, and he didn't give a damn.

*shrugs*


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

I think these "H doesn't find me sexy" posts need to require a neck down photo haha


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

badcompany said:


> I think these "H doesn't find me sexy" posts need to require a neck down photo haha


Ah well. Does my face not count?



Mavash. said:


> Not a good sign but you knew that already.
> 
> He's too comfortable with you.


Oh yes. Bad isn't it? Now if I SHOWED I was interested in someone else that may do it... but then I'd be a flirt/ hussy/ insert shaming word here...


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

No-no, neck down is for your privacy in the world wide web.
No problem if you want to post the whole package, but don't blame me if you get photo shopped into porn on the web somewhere.
It's sad isn't it, I think one of the best nights of action I've had was after we'd had an evening at the Casino and I got hit on. The aggressor wasn't anywhere near my wife's rate, but the fact that someone else wanted her cheese got her going.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Not planning on posting my wares face or not... the thought of being photoshopped... ick!

I just seriously don't think H would care. Honestly. He says he does not get jealous because he trusts me. Says it does not matter if a guy hits on me, because it is not ME doing anything so he has no reason to be jealous. Says he knows I would not do anything thus no jealousy. Nothing for him to worry about.

A while back a guy came up to me and asked me out. Of course I said no. I bumped in to him a couple of times after and was being pursued. I told H... he seriously thought I was making it up to make him jealous after his EA! He was NOT IN THE SLIGHTEST BIT BOTHERED. At all. Not even a little. Did not ask anything. I mean seriously... I tell him that and he thinks it is a made up story! 

Like I say, I do not think H worries at all. What is up with that? Either I am seriously unmarketable or he is VERY comfortable.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

He's very comfortable. As I said, you're predictable, so, he knows what to expect from you all the time.

Up your game. Make it a lifestyle change, not just a one time event. Consistent disturbances of the peace will get him to notice. If it doesn't, then I'm afraid to say he doesn't value you. My husband trusts me too, but he is fiercely protective and possessive of his love.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> Like I say, I do not think H worries at all. What is up with that? Either I am seriously unmarketable or he is VERY comfortable.


He knows and you know that you aren't seriously unmarketable. I don't know what you look like, but I have no doubt that you could walk into a bar tonight, and walk out with some guy on your arm. Your H knows that b/c he has a dude brain in his skull. 

I don't know your whole story, but it sounds like he is just checked out of the marriage, and really isn't concerned about you finding attn from some other guy. His needs are being met at some level he can accept in this marriage, so he sees no need to change anything. Sorry.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I'm not unmarketable. I know that. I look good. Yes I can look better and I am working on that. That is for me. Body confidence.

The me inside? Yeah that still needs a lot more work. 

Just not sure right now where I am heading or what to do now. Like I said, I am tired of working on me. I just want to be me. I like me. I am OK. I feel OK with my quirks and mannerisms. I am shy but that is OK. I chat hilarious small talk to people. I flip my hair when I am nervous. I push myself to do stuff I think I cannot do, then I do them. 

The trouble is that it is ONLY when it comes to H thst I question myself. In the big wide world I am good with me.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

These last few days have been hellish. We have argued more than any time in our relationship ever.

H is not liking me making an issue of things. He has a remarkable way of turning something around to be MY fault. He then plays the "woe is me" card wanting pity because I am apparently ripping him to shreds. He has not yet thought about whether the issues at hand might actually merit dealing with thus elimnating any need for me to speak about them.

I actually a couple of times was ready to tell him to leave and the conversation veered scarily close to me saying it. Truth is, well, I don't want to get divorced. 

However...

I HAVE to do something to save my sanity. If left, this is going to drive me to depression. I have cried every day since Tuesday. 

So... my plan is simply to... concentrate on ME. Leave it all alone.

I figured with the kids going back to school that this was the perfect time to start thinking about me. 

So what does this mean? 

Well basically I am running a program on me. My home gym is ready to go. I have been reading up on nutrition and workouts and plan to start Monday.

Our littlest has a place in preschool and I will be volunteering at school one morning a week.

I will be working on dressmaking. I am quite the novice so it will be a steep learning curve but I have wanted to do it for a while now.

I rejoin my skating team this month on their training program.

What I WILL NOT be doing...

Initiating relationship talks.

Pursuing in any way. This means dates, sex or anything in between.

I am going to be clear with him why this is ( the above two.) I have not yet decided, but am leaning towards, no sex. I know on TAM it is frowned upon by certain parties. However I am also aware that other places online that I frequent say it is frankly verging on idiotic to complain about a H never changing whilst said W is busying herself being the awesomest wife and providing a steady stream of sex... what motivation WOULD this kind of a H have to change when he is getting everything he wants?

So pretty much that is it as of now...


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## bagdon (Jun 7, 2013)

walkingwounded said:


> These last few days have been hellish. We have argued more than any time in our relationship ever.
> 
> H is not liking me making an issue of things. He has a remarkable way of turning something around to be MY fault. He then plays the "woe is me" card wanting pity because I am apparently ripping him to shreds. He has not yet thought about whether the issues at hand might actually merit dealing with thus elimnating any need for me to speak about them.
> 
> ...


Does this action plan have a specified amount of time you're going to give him to wake up and begin making some personal changes of his own?

You may need to develop a "stage two" because If he's like most of us guys, we're notoriously slow to realize just how unhappy our wives are until something shocks us into the reality of the relationship. My wife did something similar and she got tired, lost her passion for me and was in the WAW mindset before I took action. He could be a "nice guy".

BTW, I like the plan so far and no sex will definitely ruffle his feathers and make him start looking for answers.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

The only thing I have not decided on is how long. I really am not sure about that. 

I also totally get about a phase two. Quite frankly if H were to seriously think nothing major was wrong at this point then really there is no hope! I will however consider it and see what I come up with.

In other news, I got to grips with the new home gym. H was curiously encouraging and even offered to take the kids out so I could work out. I haven't worked that one out.

The _other_ thing was I posted a new profile pic on FB. Nothing fancy. A male friend commented saying I looked like the epitome of beauty. And a female friend said I looked like the younger version of a famous actress. Yah I'll take those thanks! Told H and he said see, you allways think you look awful and you don't. Plus said he thought me and the male friend were "just" friends? Said male friend was best friends with a long ago ex and has always been a purely platonic friendship. Seemed to get H's interest though!


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Good for you, walking!

I will say that I don't think your plan is about withholding sex to get his attention about how unhappy you are (guys... relax)

This might be more about finding yourself again, which is what you said. Focusing on yourself, and finding your center.

THEN you will be in a better position to work on what you want in a relationship 

Kudos to you in taking a stand for yourself. I"m so happy for you!! I hope things go well, and I'd love to hear updates on the workouts, the dress making (fabulous!!) and how else life is going.
Peace.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Thanks! I actually feel better allready just focussing on me and the children. I have had a couple of small issues of whether I should do particular things for H, certain gestures. I figured to not sweat over it and go with what feels right.

The sex issue has not come up yet ( excuse the pun!) and I have thought about what I will do. I have been moving away from a total ban and towards if he pursues then that is good with me... The only difficulty I have with that stance is that it is far too close to the faulty dynamic we have had going on for ages. I do like the idea of looking so busy with fabulous stuff that I just don't have as much time to think about sex.

I will see how I feel when he broaches it and act accordingly.


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## bagdon (Jun 7, 2013)

walkingwounded said:


> The only thing I have not decided on is how long. I really am not sure about that.
> 
> I also totally get about a phase two. Quite frankly if H were to seriously think nothing major was wrong at this point then really there is no hope! I will however consider it and see what I come up with.
> 
> ...


I think his perception of the relationship is not your perception; I wouldn't say there's no hope. His mind could be distracted by other things as well. I definitely think he's into you; but not expressing it in a way that makes you feel wanted.

I'm pretty sure he's acutely aware of your FB compliments now- a-days. Did he comment on FB about your profile pic?

Does he "instigate" or "ask" for sex?


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

bagdon said:


> I think his perception of the relationship is not your perception; I wouldn't say there's no hope. His mind could be distracted by other things as well. I definitely think he's into you; but not expressing it in a way that makes you feel wanted.
> 
> I'm pretty sure he's acutely aware of your FB compliments now- a-days. Did he comment on FB about your profile pic?
> 
> Does he "instigate" or "ask" for sex?


His perception from things he has said is that things are fine except I complain. He has repeatedly said how we get on really well but then I get upset about something and the cycle begins.

It is hard to say if he is "into me"... I guess that sums up my many postings! Oh I think he loves me and even likes me but as to whether he feels proud to show me off in public or is just meh... well I have not worked that out now.

I mentioned the comments on FB. He does not use it so I brought it up. He did mention he liked that pic after he took it.

He does not ask for sex exactly. In the midst of our troubles we ended up scheduling sex, which he ended up calling an "early night." So once or twice a week he will stand in the doorway of wherever I am, and say " early night?"

One thing I really really miss is that spontaneous initiation. That can only happen when he is affectionate... which is not his thing. That would go a long way to showing me how he desires me.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I hate to generalize, but isn't affection one of the top 5 things a woman needs to feel loved?

I couldn't stand it if my husband wasn't affectionate. It's a physical way to show a person you love them besides sex. Hugs and kisses DO go a long way.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> I hate to generalize, but isn't affection one of the top 5 things a woman needs to feel loved?
> 
> I couldn't stand it if my husband wasn't affectionate. It's a physical way to show a person you love them besides sex. Hugs and kisses DO go a long way.


This I think is fair to generalize.

H used to be affectionate. Yeah. It tapered off. He claims he never was but when pressed says every one is like that at the start and who do we know out of our married friends that is like that? He allways needs space. I am in his space . He is too hot when I sit or lie with him. He gets up straight after intimacy because he has to shower or has something important he has to do ( actual words.)

H is an acts of service guy. That is how he shows love. I appreciate his gestures but do not 'feel' them like I do in other ways.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Played it badly just now.

H made a comment about being in the mood. I inwardly panicked. I eventually tried to gently explain that I felt us "carrying on as usual" gave a false impression of me being OK with the state of things which is obviously not how I feel. 

It morphed to a "you're allways cutting me down" talk from him. He came as close as possible to saying "this is how I am... deal with it coz I ain't changing" as he could without actually saying those words.

Of course I know that... but still hurts to hear it. His other stand out contribution was "I wouldn't blame you if you left me." 

Tbf it has only made me more determined to continue on the path I am on. Another home gym workout down, and a short day course booked on basic sewing machine skills. Tomorrow I speak to the kids' school about me volunteering. Am looking further down the line than the immediate now and seeing the journey I am going on. I feel better for focussing.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Oh my. I just had a flashback of my own now!
I can recall 'demanding' that the acting stop. Just. Be. Real. Things are NOT okay, the relationship is NOT great, retreat to your own corner and work on yourself. 
Panicky.Butterflies. Been there.

Just this past weekend we had the discussion about "this is how I am deal with it".

My answer?
Oh, I do understand that. Completely. I'm not asking you to change. I accept the way he is. Fully.

I thought about what I had read about how the whole world is constantly changing, and it's ab-normal to want things to stay the same. I have little interest in standing still. 

Then my answer became... "I have no interest in standing still while the world passes me by. I want to grow, learn, and be me. This is how I am. Now. Deal with it. If that's a dealbreaker for you, then I wish you well".

I can do this, because I KNOW I am doing my best, I am following my own values and beliefs on what kind of person I want to be. That's all I have to do. The rest is consequences of ME changing, and I can show compassion.

I pulled the rug out from under him. Co-dependent no more. 
It's ME that changed. For the better. Yes, I no longer find what he is offering "acceptable crumbs". 

It's not that he needs to change. He needs to accept that I DID, and will no longer blindly follow. My wants and needs are suddenly no longer up for debate.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I hear it's wonderful being loved just the way you are. Theoretically.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I hear it's wonderful being loved just the way you are. Theoretically.


No one and no relationship is perfect. It doesn't have to be.
The "bar" is whether or not my values and beliefs and who I am as a person have to be compromised to help someone else float their own sense of identity. 

Somedays my best is pretty shetty.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

walkingwounded said:


> I am so tired of trying, M. I am tired.
> 
> Do *I* think I am sexy? Yeah. I do. Just not to him.


Totally hear you. My H has gotten better recently, but he still doesn't connect a compliment means you say something nice connected to how that nice thing makes you FEEL. It's those feeling words that totally stump him.

I read the forums and get so jealous sometimes.

When I've had enough, I get dressed up and go OUT. Once OUT I get some nice attention from men, feel validated, then can go home reenergized for the rest of his two week period as he tried to come up with something nice to say.


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## HereToCollaboratewithOthe (Sep 2, 2013)

Hi WalkingWounded - I am a married 50 year old man - semi overweight but nothing to write home about - who struggled through his last marriage and got divorced, and the found who I know is a wonderful woman, but am still struggling,

So truth-in-advertising I want you to know transparently that I don't have many answers, but there is a Eason that I am responding to your post

I too am worried about my wife who has made comments about hot younger men - I took it way out of context, but if I read your points correctly we have situations similar. However given your description of yourself it seems pretty clear you are easier on the eyes than me.

So from a flawed man to a woman who has to deal with a flawed man - I can tell you Walking Wounded - cut it out - you ae a wonderful sexy woman and you deserve a man who loves and appreciates you for who you are. No I am not flirting or hitting on you - I am focused on what I need to do to repair my relationship with my wife.

So I can tell you WW - - even when I have been wrong and don't believe my wife wants me, and I have gone to a topless club, the only person on my mind is my wife.

Either this post is crazy talk then please delete it. Otherwise please get a flawed man's opinion of you (who is not flirting but just being honest) that you are a bright, expressive, considerate, sexy woman

You deserve any man that you value.

All the best and god bless.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I hear it's wonderful being loved just the way you are. Theoretically.


I think, WorkingOnMe, you will know from frequenting the 'Sex in Marriage' forum that when someone shows they are one thing then takes that away, that the phrase used is "bait and switch." H did this but not with sex. Wirh affection and showing tenderness and emotion.

On the one hand H says people do not stay the way they were when dating etc. People change ( ie him.) Then next minute he is saying he was never like that. Bull. I can remember HIM talking to me about me showing more affection to him! He actually nearly convinces me at times that I cannot remember what I CAN remember. It is a real mindfvck.

At the end of the day it is a pretty sorry state of affairs when a W is asking herH to give her hugs and kisses and verbalize his feelings for her and it has become SUCH a bone of contention for him that you would think I had asked him to do something criminal.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

So I got the "sorry" text earlier. Right on cue. Texted saying he was going to make a nice dinner. Came home with flowers and ice cream.

Yep, check all the usual boxes. He has clearly been thinking about things though from what he said. Good for him. 

I am practising "loving detachment." I do not know if I have read that phrase on here from one of you guys or not, but it feels right. I feel quite comfortable with this as I feel I am being true to myself.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Oh, it's wonderful to read you (walkingwounded!!) say that it feels right to just be true to you.
It is about detachment.... in many ways. Enjoy the ice cream!!


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

The ice cream was lovely thanks 

H is being odd. He is overcompensating. He is going out of his way to do stuff he does not have to for me. Things I have not asked for nor do I expect. I genuinely hope he does not think I am asking him to make a martyr of himself because I am jot.

It is funny... I have said so many times to him that it is nearly funny that this situation has gone on like it has. That I am really not complicated. I am asking for such simple things it astounds me this has morphed in to such an ongoing thing.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

WW, I'm beginning to think that the "acts of service" issue may be a pretty serious sign of incompatibility?
I see a lot of people on TAM that state this as a common problem including my wife and I.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> The ice cream was lovely thanks
> 
> H is being odd. He is overcompensating. He is going out of his way to do stuff he does not have to for me. Things I have not asked for nor do I expect. I genuinely hope he does not think I am asking him to make a martyr of himself because I am jot.
> 
> It is funny... I have said so many times to him that it is nearly funny that this situation has gone on like it has. That I am really not complicated. I am asking for such simple things it astounds me this has morphed in to such an ongoing thing.


It is funny. I'm glad you see it that way.

Been there myself. Used the phrase "going out of your way to give me 20 oranges. I just want ONE apple."

It's how people avoid change. In my case, it's hanging \ clinging to what he thinks he is. Soon comes the speech. "all the things I did for you, and this is how you treat me?".

YES. Very classic reactions when one finds their own sense of self worth again. Run through the tricks. See if you budge. Normal, really. Compassion comes in handy here. Confusion, not sure what to do. Try it all. When one is USED to presenting a small gift and in return you give up your personal happiness to let things be his way... it can't be pleasant when the free ride ends. Ugh. 

The funniest thing about it all... is he doesn't have to DO anything. Except accept the way things are, now. And adjust.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"He is going out of his way to do stuff he does not have to for me. Things I have not asked for nor do I expect."


This is simply because acts of service is his love language. Sounds like he is trying (though I'm not saying you need to accept his trying, just saying, this is the way HE would want YOU to show your love so that is what he is doing).


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I really do understand what he is doing. I so totally get it. In and of itself it is a positive. I see it, I feel it. I appreciate it.

Thing is... yeah, it doesn't make me feel he thinks I am hot. KWIM? I do not doubt he loves me. He clearly shows love in his ways. But there is such a lack of anything to do with sexuality, attraction and lust towards me. It is like he compartmentalizes our every day life and our sex life and the two act completely independently of each other for him. The way he acts is like he only associates sex with me when he wants it. He does not show that he has lustfull thoughts about me, or desires me. I feel like a handy orifice when he is horny. I see some of the things Hs write on TAM about their beautiful wives, how their W has only got more beautiful with age, stuff like that, and I have no hope in hell of knowing H would ever say anything so heartfelt about me.


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## bagdon (Jun 7, 2013)

walkingwounded said:


> I really do understand what he is doing. I so totally get it. In and of itself it is a positive. I see it, I feel it. I appreciate it.
> 
> Thing is... yeah, it doesn't make me feel he thinks I am hot. KWIM? I do not doubt he loves me. He clearly shows love in his ways. But there is such a lack of anything to do with sexuality, attraction and lust towards me. It is like he compartmentalizes our every day life and our sex life and the two act completely independently of each other for him. The way he acts is like he only associates sex with me when he wants it. He does not show that he has lustfull thoughts about me, or desires me. I feel like a handy orifice when he is horny. I see some of the things Hs write on TAM about their beautiful wives, how their W has only got more beautiful with age, stuff like that, and I have no hope in hell of knowing H would ever say anything so heartfelt about me.


I went through something similar with my wife. For a long time, I just couldn't get it right, couldn't "meet her needs". His affection for you probably won't surface until he believes he could lose you. I don't understand it myself but now that my wife has turned back to me I can't stop showing her affection and expressing my "lust" for her...she eats it up because she knows it's real. I believe it was always there; just lying dormant...I have no explanation.

Here's another thought. Maybe your love and affection for him back when you were dating made him feel more affectionate (the way you need him to be now) than he really was. I don't know, I just threw that out there.:scratchhead:


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Bagdon,
REAL was the key word. 

Is he truly just being himself, and he has changed, and this is now how he shows love? Possibly. But I would guess that he is more concerned with insisting on her accepting that he isn't going to do what she thinks she wants. Anything BUT. A stand off.

In the meantime, WW is working on defining what really does make her feel connected. Because people and things will change. Again and again. So one does find "other ways" to feel loved, connected. And they no longer put their happiness in the hands of the whim of someone else. 

I've been in the stand off, for looong months. I am stubborn. But I"ve discovered not nearly as stubborn as other people can be .

I got off the crazy train. I am just myself. I give what I am feeling, instead of waiting for someone else to do it. That is real. 
I do my best. I spend my time getting to know myself, and understanding that I need to change, constantly, to keep up with the world. (it never stays the same, for even a minute!).
Happiness? A mere drop in the bucket when compared to peacefulness. What makes me happy? Nothing. I _am_ happy. Nothing can make \ break it. It's mine. Peace can come and go. Drama. Games. Mountains out of molehills for the sake of stubbornness. Acceptance. Choosing to not even participate in it, as it's a loop that never ends.  Appreciating the drama free days. Being patient on the bad days. It will pass.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I wonder what my H would say. If he has an explanation. I do not know.

I do know that whenever this comes up to talk about, he is asking me "what's the matter?" 100% as if we have *never* discussed it before. It is really like it never crosses his mind, he does not associate previous conversations with the now. It looks like he thinks about things for a short while after we have talked then that is it. Forgotten about.

I have outlined clear and specific things I would like. Some I have mentioned on here to check I am being reasonable. If I believe what he tells me, one of the big things, him telling me he DOES think nice things about me, all he literally needs to do is say the words. So, he looks at me and thinks I look good? Say "you look good honey." For some reason he just does not. I do not truly know why.

This morning we were chatting. I had just come out of the bathroom and mentioned I thought my hair color was a little dark for my complexion. He took over and told me I looked washed out. That I also needed a tan. That I needed to look like such and such a celeb when they looked xyz. Had I ever thought of tanning?

OK. So nowhere in there was there ANYTHING about him liking how I look. I was sat watching him talk. Listening to the words coming out of his mouth and wondering, is he ever present in the moment? Conscious of what is happening? 

You know, I am not ugly. I did quite well with having a nice face and a decent body. So why does he insist on dropping the names of famous women I would do well to look like? Where is the "you look great as you are?" He used to tell me I was naturally beautiful. I seriously have not changed that much. I met an old friend a while ago who told me I looked exactly the same as ten years ago. So why now is he saying this?

He is spending time in his man cave a lot in the evenings. By the time he comes in I am nearly ready to go to bed. I am not seeing anything much of an effort from him. I thought putting a stop on sex would kick start something. But no. Earlier with no kids in the house he asked if I wanted to go upstairs. No thanks I replied. For the reasons I said the other day.

He said completely calmly and collectedly "if that's how you feel, that's fine" and went upstairs on his own. And that was it. I just carried on what I was doing and he's not come down, an hour later.

*shrugs*


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

You know what?

I feel so lonely.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Looks like H is starting to retaliate. His only usual sign of physical affection recently is a kiss before he goes out. He just went out and pointedly stood in the door way instead of coming over to kiss me.

This is after he asked me to go upstairs again and I said no.

He also keeps saying "so then, I better be more romantic hadn't I?" and goes to hold my hand.

I think he thought he would sweet talk me round and I would just be OK with that. He is clearly rattled by this.

I also have a feeling this is going to get ugly.


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## bagdon (Jun 7, 2013)

walkingwounded said:


> Looks like H is starting to retaliate. His only usual sign of physical affection recently is a kiss before he goes out. He just went out and pointedly stood in the door way instead of coming over to kiss me.
> 
> This is after he asked me to go upstairs again and I said no.
> 
> ...


It may have to get worse before it get's better. I didn't wake up till I learned my wife didn't love me. I've vowed to never let that happen again.

I don't think he's trying to be spiteful. I think he's just stuck in the fog of feeling you'll always be there. I don't think that he'll think major change is needed until he *feels* what he's doing in the relationship is not working.

He already knows it's not where it should be, that's why he keeps asking what's wrong. His world hasn't been turned upside down and he sounds kinda like me...I had to be shocked into life change.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

bagdon said:


> It may have to get worse before it get's better. I didn't wake up till I learned my wife didn't love me. I've vowed to never let that happen again.
> 
> I don't think he's trying to be spiteful. I think he's just stuck in the fog of feeling you'll always be there. I don't think that he'll think major change is needed until he *feels* what he's doing in the relationship is not working.
> 
> He already knows it's not where it should be, that's why he keeps asking what's wrong. His world hasn't been turned upside down and he sounds kinda like me...I had to be shocked into life change.


Yes. I agree, particularly the second paragraph. I have tried this before, but I cave way too soon. He never really feels the effects. For him he is coasting along, with me periodically causing waves, then things are calm again. And as long as they are calm... why would he NEED to do anything?

Today when I saw him he was particularly attentive. A contrast to last night.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Yes he continues to be attentive. It is very sweet actually. There is a marked absense of the stuff I am asking for though. It is weird. It looks very much like he is bring very nice in other ways *except* the ones I would especially like.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Major fvck up.

I took the car to get checked. The guy was very gentlemanly, all holding doors open, carrying my bags, way attentive.

Very flattering. Yeah, it was sweet.

I texted H. Told him about the car and the guy. Said what I just said about the stuff he was doing and said it was all very 1940s wartime old fashioned stuff.

He initially replied saying "great." Then a bit later with a REALLY crude comment about "did he xxxxxxxxx you as well?" 

It wasn't jealousy. That was him being p!ssed at me texting.

I replied amplifying it in a jokey way.

A little later he copied and resent my original message. I asked why. He said "so you could read it and see how stupid it is."

I said "yes. I astound myself sometimes. I really won't do it again."

Guess what? I really won't.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

No man wants to hear about another one giving his wife special attention.

That said, in the future just take the special treatment and boost your confidence and ego. Strut with it. He WILL notice that, and it won't be because you announced 'Hey I'm sexy, see? this guy thinks so!"


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

You know that old "insanity is..." line? That is me with this. Why do I tell him? He couldn't give a flying fvck. And it is ME I am mad at. I am really beginnng to doubt if I love him any more. I feel so detached. A million miles away. I know how he treats me is NOT a reflection of my self worth but it sure is hard not to take it personally sometimes. I just wonder if I walked, if THAT would be the catalyst for him to change or if he just does not want to.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Detached yet still needing/wanting his approval? That doesn't add up.

His opinion is important to you because you DO love him and need him to show you he feels the same way. Equal measure is what you want, and you aren't getting it. You keep trying to get his attention, when you need to NOT seek it from him. If you spent more time focusing on yourself, you would be happier.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I am trying. But am not there yet. I do OK then something sets me back.

May be not being in love with him was not what I meant. May be it was more I don't want to do this any more. It seems crazy... we were good. Then all rhis happened and made me insecure. Yet *I* am the one that has to make me a better person for him to feel it for me again? Shouldn't it be TOTALLY the other way around? How is it like this then?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> I am trying. But am not there yet. I do OK then something sets me back.
> 
> May be not being in love with him was not what I meant. May be it was more I don't want to do this any more. It seems crazy... we were good. Then all rhis happened and made me insecure. Yet *I* am the one that has to make me a better person for him to feel it for me again? Shouldn't it be TOTALLY the other way around? How is it like this then?


Because YOU allowed it to happen. After his EA you let him stay, his life worked and so what the's motivation for him to DO anything?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

You wanted to provoke a response from him with your text. You got a response, but we never get to decide what the response will be.

You may not like the response, but you did get one and it does tell you something.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

WW, you are in a loop of self-fulfilling prophecy. He has treated you badly, so you return the favor to him even when he thinks he is trying to find the way out. He calls you "sexy" when you dress up, but it was not done in the proper automatic way that you envision. FAIL for him.

He can't win. He is casting about for solutions and is left with a wife who just gets more mad when he can't find the way out of his own cluelessness. 

He makes overtures to sex, and you turn him down without even explaining your own self-imposed sex moratorium. I guess he has to say the magic words first, spin three times around, wave the magic wand and dance the jig (but it only works if he lands on the left foot with the final wag of his dance.)

He's trying. You have resentment that won't quit. Nothing wrong with that. Sounds like the resentment is hard-earned and reflects some tough times. You can choose one of two paths: find a way past the resentment or put a rightful dagger in the heart of the relationship. 

Punishing him with this "he can try but he can never do the right thing" treadmill is death to a relationship. He never tells you you're sexy. Maybe he wants to SHOW you that he thinks you're sexy. But you're not willing to give him that opportunity or communicate to him why he's not getting that opportunity. Maybe he wants to talk a different language, and you're not listening. 

He's trying. But you'd rather have the pride of your resentment and the succor of falling back on old hurts to keep punishing him. I'm not defending him. Sounds like he's been a turd to you. That said, you're doing precious little to move the relationship to a better place. If you can get past your resentments of the past, the best way to get you on a good path is to start becoming the change that you want to see.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

If you go through my recent posting history, you will see many, many instances of H trying. These efforts last two weeks max. Up until very recently I have welcomed each attempt with full faith and put the previous failed attempts behind me, filed away as if they never happened.

Now I am jaded. Both from his EA and his six month sexual rejection of me, he has messed up my esteem to a shocking level. I have worked IMMENSELY on me and us. I actually take exception to it being said I have done "precious little." 

I identified what would restore my feelings of being wanted and desired by him. This is thst he simply verbalizes the feelings he says he has for me. I am not asking for essays, or poetry. Simply that when he has a "she looks pretty" thought... he says it. Yet he insists on NOT doing this and carrying out various acts that are nice but not what I need from him.

He KNOWS what I want from him. In a 100% clear and precise way. He doesn't NEED to fish about for what to do. He KNOWS.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

If he truly knows and refuses to act upon that knowledge, I would think that leaves things pretty clear-cut. What you see is what you get. All that is left now is for you to determine what is acceptable to you.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

If it's any help.... My house was two solid months of up and down. Days when I "got it" and days when I didn't. Two week cycles. People that know me read about it  

I don't know if it's the same for everyone, but you are breaking tough hard habits, to change how you think about yourself and drowning out the ego driven reasons behind your actions. 

I'm betting it is also difficult on one's spouse. 

No one is perfect. Including yourself. You just... do your best. Somedays your best is less than others. If you are staying true to who you are, and not letting a warped self image rule your actions, things will get easier. 

I read a lot when I feel like I am responding in old ways.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

This is good to know deejov. I am finding it tough. I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. I do not know if it is there or not.


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## Thepoet (Sep 8, 2013)

walkingwounded said:


> Men... do you tell your W you think she is sexy?


Yeah, I tell my partner she's sexy all the time, among other comments, some of which can probably only be said in the sex section. 




walkingwounded said:


> I am not asking for essays, or poetry.


Did someone say poetry?

Everyone deserves some love and kindness
Especially those down trodden and spineless
So share a smile and an upturned word
Spread life and love, in case you misheard


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Lol ThePoet. Thanks 

Well. H ignored me all yesterday evening, only speaking to me about stuff to do with the kids.

I say 'ignored' but really we just did not speak. I was waiting for the comments about what I texted but he just did not say anything.

I went to bed late and was full of rage and frustration. I texted him from upstairs saying that I had had enough, that I couldn't do this any more.

We did not speak earlier when he got up to go to work. I texted him saying wewould sort things out later. I said, we had some good times though didn't we? He said we did. But now it's all gone down the drain.

I said all I wanted was to be cherished and desired. His reply? "I know."

I am emotionally exhausted. I just have to stop. It is eating me up inside. We are existing side by side. Strangely ( to me any way) he is quite happy when I just do not bring stuff up. Like if he buries his head in the sand, everything is great. I would dearly LOVE to know why he will not work at what I asked of him. THAT is a mystery to me.

I do not know what will happen later.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'm sorry too.


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## BruisedGirl (Apr 4, 2013)

walkingwounded said:


> I wonder what my H would say. If he has an explanation. I do not know.
> 
> I do know that whenever this comes up to talk about, he is asking me "what's the matter?" 100% as if we have *never* discussed it before. It is really like it never crosses his mind, he does not associate previous conversations with the now. It looks like he thinks about things for a short while after we have talked then that is it. Forgotten about.
> 
> ...


Catching up on your posts and I'm thinking about something...

I'm not sure which thread I read it in but a man was talking about his wife and how she always put herself down (not pretty enough, looked gross, gained a few pounds, etc.) He said no matter what he did or said she continued this until he starting seeing her as overweight (although she really wasn't and not suggesting you are), less attractive, less sexually appealing, etc. 

He said he hated this about his wife and urged readers of his post to never put yourself down in front of your H/SO, etc. 

So I'm just wondering how much merit there is to this and if this is what happened to you and your H. 

When you talked about telling him about the FB comments he said something like, "See you always say how horrible you look..." Kinda like, I told you you're not hideous although you always say you are. 

Just wondering if this is what's happened. It's an idea.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you read His Needs Her Needs?


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

Dear OP, I haven't been on this site in ages and today with a few precious minutes to spare, I decided to browse, and I landed on your thread. It struck such a chord with me. The roller coaster you are on is so similar to what I experienced during my husband's EA which was on the verge of turning PA (with a co-worker.) I really, really don't want to stir tender wounds but have you confirmed that your husband is no longer in touch with the OW? His behavior: the blame shifting, focus on others, avoidance, and then overcompensation are so familiar. 

For your own marital health have you read "Not JustFriends" by Shirley Glass? You won't feel so crazy after you read it. It's very validating and helpful. Your husband could benefit as well if he'd read it. 

Before I uncovered evidence of my husbands affair I felt detached and started having thoughts of "I could do this [raising kids] by myself". It was odd. 

It's been a very long road but by grace we're in a good spot now -- but loads of work, counseling, etc. my husband no longer has contact with OW and that was HUGE. Busting the affair, and dealing with it and not rug sweeping was key. But I had to be willing (and I was, he knew it) to let go of my marriage. 

Do you have support where you live? Did anyone know about your husband's EA? Did he demonstrate remorse (and not just regret) about it? Did he confess or did you unearth it? From reading your thread it feels as if it wasn't really addressed and that has left you both spiraling and disconnected. I get the exhaustion of being the one trying to fix things!

Big hug.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

BruisedGirl said:


> Catching up on your posts and I'm thinking about something...
> 
> I'm not sure which thread I read it in but a man was talking about his wife and how she always put herself down (not pretty enough, looked gross, gained a few pounds, etc.) He said no matter what he did or said she continued this until he starting seeing her as overweight (although she really wasn't and not suggesting you are), less attractive, less sexually appealing, etc.
> 
> ...


Thanks BruisedGirl. 

That quote from him about how I *do* look good ( about the FB photo) I remember that standing out when he said it. Because I never have put myself down the way he implies. Which was why I thought it was odd. I have said I never look good in photos... may be he was referring to that. Not sure.

I do not put myself down to him. I have said obviously I do not think he ginds me attractive but I have never done that "typical" female thing of putting myself down to him. Unless that is how it came across to him?

turnera, yes read HNHN. This is in part a very straightforward case of he is an "acts of service" person. I am not. Last time I did it I literally had "words of affirmation" *immediately* followed by quality time and physical touch. Looking back I would say he has changed how he shows love. He certainly used to be more vocal allthough he claims not.

He also knows all about HNHN for the difference it has made. He gets it, he just refuses to speak to me through words of affirmation. I have wondered if he is passive agressively showing me some anger or resentment simply because he is so entrenched in NOT saying nice words to me. He's not mean generally, he is pleasant quite a lot but words of affirmation have near enoughdisappeared from his vocab.

Only he can explain why and he ain't doing that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Does he just take you for granted?


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

thesunwillcomeout thanks. The littley is calling so I will respond in a bit but thanks.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

turnera said:


> Does he just take you for granted?


My presence, yes.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Walking, I'm sorry. But I'm GLAD to hear you are hitting the bottom.
We went through this in my house too. I said I was stubborn? He beats me by a mile. Except... add in him drinking to numb the "stress" of the relationship.

I also threw in the towel, said I was giving up. And I meant it. Except what I was actually doing... was giving up on fighting to make him do things I wanted to do. Threw my hands up. Do whatever you want. I'm no longer asking for anything. Don't need you. 

At first, it was "I will find someone else who will meet my needs".
When I sat down to figure out what it was I really needed, I discovered the truth.

I really DIDN'T need him to feel loved, wanted, desired. I found it in myself. It wasn't a cemented reaction. It would come and go. Until it finally stayed. I'm sure of it now. 

Ironic thing? If I had found someone else right away, I don't think I would have found my sense of self worth. 

We call it detaching, working on yourself, finding your own things to do, but the end result is meant to wean you off the dependence of needing to control how someone behaves in order to feel loved.

You don't need to. You just need to accept it. And convince yourself that it does NOT define who you are. You do. All that energy spent fighting him is now yours to use


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## BruisedGirl (Apr 4, 2013)

How are things going for you, WW? Been kind of in my own little world since last Friday. Hoping things are better for you.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I used to tell my wife every day that I found her sexy and immensely attractive. After getting rejected so many times for sex, I have lightened up on the compliments. 

She seemingly can't get over her body image issues. She is always telling me that she is too fat and too this. I have made it plainly clear from day one that I care not if she is overweight. Now she is pregnant and I predict that her issues are only going to get worse.


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## bagdon (Jun 7, 2013)

tyler1978 said:


> I used to tell my wife every day that I found her sexy and immensely attractive. After getting rejected so many times for sex, I have lightened up on the compliments.
> 
> She seemingly can't get over her body image issues. She is always telling me that she is too fat and too this. I have made it plainly clear from day one that I care not if she is overweight. Now she is pregnant and I predict that her issues are only going to get worse.


I had a similar discussion with my wife about that. When I would always say that she looked good to me she felt I was not being honest with her. It was a turn off and a sign of fear of confrontation to her. I've learned that in some cases I need to just admit that yeah, "we" need to work on that stomach; you look pregnant when you where that dress...and that if she really wants it, it's important to help her achieve her perception of what makes her look and feel good about herself. It's about trust I think.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My mom told me a lot when I was growing up how pretty I was. She said it so often I just decided I must really be ugly, for her to have to say it so much.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

OP

I have not read all your posts so may be asking a question answered somewhere else, but are you in MC? It sounds to me as though a good counsellor might help.


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