# The respect is gone...GONE!



## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

After a year and a half of doing nothing to pursue his new career path, H has an appointment tomorrow at two colleges for education planning. He has been saying it's too overwhelming and he needed me to plan out his classes. He has been telling everyone he will have his degree in 6 months to a year, and gets angry with me when I tell him he is realistically looking at 6-8 years. I finally got through to him that I will not plan his college he had to do it himself. 

A necessary background...his job is closing down and he will be unemployed in December.

Which brings me to today...he says he is looking for employment. I have seen him open the computer and search job listings here and there. His resume is not updated, no resumes or applications have been sent out. He told me today he is about to make an appointment for financial planning because he sees we have $xxx in the retirement account and $zzz in the deferred comp account. He believes we can use those monies as a resource while he is in school. He said he hopes to work part-time to get insurance benefits, and go to school. I'm not sure how he plans to pay the mortgage, but me telling him that we cannot withdraw from retirement without losing most of it in penalties causes him to shut down the conversation. Here's what is really poking at me in his plan..._he said that he is planning on me to do his homework while in school, because he's going to be working at the same time!_ I got no response from him when I questioned how he planned to pass the exams. I went to college. I also worked through college (granted I was 20 and not 44 with a family). I have my degree. I am not the one who flushed an 18 year career and our family financial security down the freaking toilet because I lied instead of own up to a mistake.

I've seen this coming for awhile. I have talked about it in IC. Our counselor knows us both, we also see her for MC. She has told me that I have to let him chart his own path, either to fail or succeed, I have to sit back quietly and let him fix the mess he has us in. I am a fixer, and these insane plans are really pushing my buttons. I am currently reading Codependent No More and I am hoping to learn how to be quiet and not feel like I'm sitting back allowing him to lose everything we have worked hard for.

I don't know what to do. I feel so helpless. I have been trying so hard and really, really struggling to respect him again. If I could respect him again, I'm hoping I could love him again. He talks about how hard he is working on all of this...getting another job, getting into school...but his actions don't match up. I see someone who wants everything to be handed to him...I'll get the degree, I'll be able to say I'm working and going to school, but honey you do all the work for me. Oh, and I'm going to empty our retirement accounts and plan on the unemployment benefits in the mean time. 

I don't even know if I can rebuild trust/respect/love anymore.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Big hugs to you, MsStacy, it's a tough one!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Not sure I agree with your counselor... You have a responsibility to protect yourself and your family as well... Letting him bankrupt you doesn't sound like a good plan. Maybe you can ask your counselor if you can move in when you lose the house?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

divorce his lazy procrastinating ass.


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

I think he should forget getting a degree at his age. Especially if he has to spend your retirement account to do it. 

It's not worth it and will take forever. And if its anything other than engineering its practically worthless anyway. And he doesn't sound like the type who could pass an engineering program.

He needs to start making money now, doing anything. It's not how much you make, it's how much you spend that's more important.

How about starting a business instead? Or finding any kind of decent job?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Is your husband capable of doing college-level work? If so, then he needs to figure out how to juggle work and college. Plenty of people do. 

The question is can he or will he put in the effort to even find a job -- let alone combine one with college (once he figures out you aren't doing his homework for him)?

As long as he's waiting on you to fix things for him then, no, I don't see any way to respect him. So you need to be making your own plans because the clock is ticking.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

MsStacy said:


> ... me telling him that we cannot withdraw from retirement without losing most of it in penalties causes him to shut down the conversation.


Are the funds in the retirement account in both names? Would you have to sign any documents before he can withdraw money? If so, do NOT sign anything.




MsStacy said:


> ... he said that he is planning on me to do his homework while in school, because he's going to be working at the same time!


Why get angry? I assume he makes such outrageous requests because you have been a doormat to him for so long. Just tell him, NO WAY. Leave him to rage, pout, sulk, or whatever else he chooses to do. 



MsStacy said:


> Our counselor knows us both, we also see her for MC. She has told me that I have to let him chart his own path, either to fail or succeed, I have to sit back quietly and let him fix the mess he has us in. I am a fixer ...


I see, to some extent, the point your counselor is making. You honestly don't have the power to fix your H. However, your H is quite aware of your fixer tendencies, which is why he's trying to rope you into helping him by doing his homework.

He owns the mess, not you; thus, your counselor is trying to get you to see that you cannot get your H to shape up.

However, it seems she forgot to tell you to take ownership of what you can fix - YOU. 



MsStacy said:


> I don't know what to do. I feel so helpless.
> 
> He talks about how hard he is working on all of this...getting another job, getting into school...but *his actions don't match up.*
> 
> I don't even know if I can rebuild trust/respect/love anymore.


We have a saying in Al-Anon: "Get out or get dragged." He will drag you under with him. Then he will blame you for the mess. And you will claim you are confused, don't know what to do, and feel helpless.

That is exactly what happens when we pin all our expectations on another person. And it happens when the only role we know to play is that of rescuer and victim.

Look at his actions, and forget what he says. Talk is cheap. What he does indicates all you need to know.

Rebuilding trust/respect/love? Uh, that is a two-way street. You can't rebuild such a thing when only one partner is working on the marriage.

And until you are willing to relinquish your role in this, you'll have to put up with the mess. Why? Because you are completely reliant and focused on his plans (or lack thereof).

Why not look into working again? Is your degree a springboard onto which you could launch a successful job search?


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

I feel you MsStacy. I don't know the rest of the backstory (what he lied about, his career) but your H sounds a lot like mine was- same age even!

I have to agree with Viseral- getting a degree at 44 is probably not the best idea, unless it's in some specific field that's very in demand. A targeted program at a tech school (something like air conditioner repair or radiology) may be worth it if the right jobs are available in your area.

Half the retirement money is yours yes? But he's going to take it out to live on during school- which he may very well blow anyway if he manages to register. I know this type of personality so well- they are so entitled that they become offended that anyone would actually expect them to do work- so they skip class, make excuses and eventually stop going.

Yes, you have to let them make their mistakes, but that's not going to magically change his personality problems. In the meantime you have to look out for your financial future. No one else will.

Are you in the US? If so I think his plan of getting health insurance from a part time job is fantasy.

It's impossible to respect a man who behaves this way, because he's basically a selfish child in a man's body.


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## saadrvb (Jul 10, 2013)

You have a responsibility to protect yourself and your family as well


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

I have only a quick second to respond to everyone from my phone. Thank you so much for the replies & support. It is truly appreciated and helps me to know that I am not the crazy, selfish, heartless person I am lead to believe sometimes. 

I am trying to save my marriage for my daughters, 7yo & 22mo. I'm not sure it's going to work, but I have to try with every last bit I have left. 

Yes, I am in the US, and yes, he lives in a fantasy world. My degree is in Criminology. Not exactly something as easy to fill as say business or engineering. I was injured at work awhile back and was rated a 94% disability. I contribute to our income via my workers comp settlement and disability payments. I am classified a chronic pain patient and take daily medications to get by. I am able to be somewhat active, and a stay at home mom, but I do have some severe limitations that greatly affect my employment options. I have researched starting my own business, mostly since he tanked our future since he ruined his career. If I start a business in my name I will loose my disability which provides for us right now. Without it we would lose our house...everything. I am considering it though. I am a hard worker and I believe I can succeed. It is a big risk, and I'm not generally a big risk taker.

I have to look at our accounts and see who's name they're in. We each have retirement, tho his is larger. I believe the deferred comp is in his name only, which is what he wants to use. We wouldn't even have that account if i hadn't forced the issue do many years ago. I do believe I would feel pushed to divorce and splitting it before I allow it to be used for living expenses. 

He was formerly a cop and thinks he can now get his Bachelors for RN. He has only 2 classes that will transfer for prerequisites. It is a very high mountain he wants to climb, and no, I do not believe he can do it. In the intelligence dept...maybe. In the stamina & hard work dept...NO! I've asked him to look into radiology or something else. He has his mind made up be can become an RN...bachelors degree...in a year. I'm exhausted. I am very interested to see his reaction from what the counselors say tomorrow, because everything I say is misinformed & down right wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You should also consider talking to a lawyer. If the money/assets were accumulated with marital money (I.e. money earned while married) then it belongs to both of your, regardless of who's name is on the account. At least, around here that would be the case.

Hang in there!

C


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

Yeah, an registered nurse degree in a year? This guys living in la la land. No way that's happening. Took me 5 years to get my bachelor of science degree and some of those course were hard as hell.

Why can't he keep being a cop? That's a good profession. He needs to find a decent job or start his own business. 

Forget the degree and the debt that comes with it when you have a struggling wife and kids at home.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What is he basing his idea on that he can get his degree that quickly? Does he have a lot of college credits that he thinks will transfer? If not, he needs to stop dreaming and look at his situation realistically. If he can't do that then you will need to think about how you will protect your financial future and look out for your children's best interests. 

Maybe he will suddenly wake up and begin to think logically. Maybe not. Whatever comes you need to be prepared and not depend on him to do the right thing.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

What was it that caused him to lose his job ?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Somewhere along the line he lost something.

He now has no concern for your future well being. And being a man that is very very strange. I don't want to be presumptious but I'm assuming a man who refuses to be responsible for the financial security of his family is a deal breaker for most women.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Send him to the college counseling department with his ideas and let them set him straight. An RN degree takes a minimum of 3 years to complete (pre-reqs included), not to mention passing the state test. 

Aside from his college plan, he is content to lollygag on his employment seeking and you know what? That's not something YOU can fix. What you can do is prepare yourself and your kids for the bottom falling out in December and you taking over all fiscal responsibility. His actions are telling you he shouldn't be relied upon for financial support. Pay attention to what he does and not what he says.

Ignore the comments about you doing his homework. They aren't even worth addressing. How idiotic.


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## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

MsStacy said:


> I have only a quick second to respond to everyone from my phone. Thank you so much for the replies & support. It is truly appreciated and helps me to know that I am not the crazy, selfish, heartless person I am lead to believe sometimes.
> 
> I am trying to save my marriage for my daughters, 7yo & 22mo. I'm not sure it's going to work, but I have to try with every last bit I have left.
> 
> ...


Let him know about the stamina and hard work that you u know is required, get him to understand it and take it seriously and then encourage him!


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

You can do things like breed a couple litters of puppies a year which wouldn't affect your benefits. (You can't go over 25 puppies or you are a "kennel" and would be regulated)

We have a standard poodle and had a few litters of golden doodles during financially tight times. You can get $500=$800 each for them and the litters were 7-9 puppies.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

You gotta get hands off your husband's career decisions Ms Stacy. I used to "help" my H get jobs by updating his resume and looking for ads. It sets up a "mommy" dynamic and I was way too emotionally invested and hurt when he lost 9 jobs. 

I believe that my husband engaged in self sabotage at his jobs because of the tapes his daddy put in his head that he was a lazy worthless good for nothing reject. His dad told him he would never be able to support a mama cat.

It helped my husband's esteem and maturity to do *everything* *all by himself *to get a job. He still lost a couple more jobs after that, but the latest one has been steady since 2010.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Ms Stacy, I got an RN and graduated from the associate program past age 50. Not sure it's a good idea for your H for the reasons others have stated AND show him this:

For nursing jobs, new grads need not apply - Jan. 14, 2013

Shame to go through an extremely challenging and intense program and not be able to get a job at the end of it  

I live rural where there are still jobs (due to turnover, nursing is a bust your butt job!). One middle age second career fella I graduated with remains unemployed because he "rested" for awhile after school, took his sweet ole time getting his resume out there, and that makes him look unattractive to hospitals. They want the highly motivated driven kind of people filling their nursing jobs. The other ones fizzle out too quickly.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

I've been a nurse since Mar 2010 (LPN) and just got my Associates in nursing a couple of months back (take the NCLEX on the 31st wish me luck!). He's crazy if he thinks he can get a BSN in less than even 2 years with barely any pre-requisites done.

Not to mention nursing school is hard and quite demanding. We started with 95 students in my program and at the end of 2 years finished with 29 of the original 95. And there were plenty of people who didn't make it who were determined, smart, and would have probably made great nurses on top of that. That being said, they still didn't make it.

And like someone said there is NOT a nursing shortage in this country despite what everyone thinks. At least not currently. There are a lot of new nurses out there who cannot find jobs, although it's better in some areas than in others (if you're in California or New York you're going to have problems).

He sounds extremely immature, I hope things work out for you but I think you're going to have to start thinking of ways to get by without relying on your husband.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

MsStacy said:


> I am trying to save my marriage for my daughters ...


There is one flaw in this thinking; it is "my" marriage, which I want to save for "my" daughters. It isn't about saving "our" marriage. And what are you teaching your daughters? To suck up the crap he's shoveling and to salvage what may very well be unsalvageable? 

Here are some of the current opinions you hold about your husband:



MsStacy said:


> ... he lives in a fantasy world.
> 
> It is a very high mountain he wants to climb, and no, I do not believe he can do it. In the intelligence dept...maybe. In the stamina & hard work dept...NO!


What are you trying to save? You are holding onto a great deal of resentment towards your husband. You have no respect whatsoever for him.

Are you wrong to have those feelings? I don't think so, given what you have posted.

But resentment usually results from our expectations being destroyed. And your husband has done a rather thorough job of destroying your expectations.

My point is, why are you trying to save this marriage? When only one partner is working on the relationship and the other is pursuing their own selfish agenda, that's not much of a marriage anyway.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

He's going from cop to nurse?

That's quite a career change.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

lenzi said:


> He's going from cop to nurse?
> 
> That's quite a career change.



We had a couple of people in our program last semester doing this. It's drastic, but then again it's a similar job structure. Service/duty to others, so they transitioned very well and both have great new jobs.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Jasel said:


> I've been a nurse since Mar 2010 (LPN) and just got my Associates in nursing a couple of months back (take the NCLEX on the 31st wish me luck!). He's crazy if he thinks he can get a BSN in less than even 2 years with barely any pre-requisites done.
> 
> Not to mention nursing school is hard and quite demanding. We started with 95 students in my program and at the end of 2 years finished with 29 of the original 95. And there were plenty of people who didn't make it who were determined, smart, and would have probably made great nurses on top of that. That being said, they still didn't make it.
> 
> ...


The best jobs for RN's are in the south or as far west as Colorado (had 2 students move there last semester). I'm in Illinois and it's very tough here.

Good Luck to you Jasel on your NCLEX!!! :smthumbup:


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> The best jobs for RN's are in the south or as far west as Colorado (had 2 students move there last semester). I'm in Illinois and it's very tough here.
> 
> Good Luck to you Jasel on your NCLEX!!! :smthumbup:


Thanks I'm in Illinois too. I'm thinking about looking in Indiana but I'm willing to relocate. I really wanted to go to Cali for a girl who lives out there but the job situation is so bad for nurses, not to mention new grads, in that state I'm not even going to risk that.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Blonde, H most definitely comes from a family who has perfecting the self sabotage. I have used that phrase too many times to count. His father also did a number on him which is why his self worth and self esteem are so damaged. I am trying so hard to let him do it himself and reap the personal rewards of his success. I would love to see that he feels proud of himself. Unfortunately I can only see that this will get to a point where it's too hard and he will give up, lie, or do something that will end it all without him actually making the "decision". I've been down that road often. 

Prodigal, you have some very insightful points. I am trying to be aware of the message I am sending my daughters and what I am teaching them. Fortunately they are too young to understand the job, school, or financial aspects of our situation right now. My eldest knows that daddy changed jobs but that's all. Should things go south, I want to be able to tell my girls that I supported their father through everything and that I gave him more than enough time to right his wrongs. I won't do this perfectly, but I can do my best. 

I truly don't believe I am the only one working on the marriage. I think he is struggling but trying to find a way to bring me back. It hasn't been said out loud, but he knows I am not "in love" with him right now. I'm sure he would tell you he feels like he's walking on eggshells around me. He has said that he thinks I am angry and put off him right now because he is no longer a cop and earning us the more leisurely lifestyle we once had. He thinks because we had to cancel a tropical vacation that I am holding it against him. Of course I don't want to be struggling financially at this point in our lives, but that is not what it's about. It's that he chose to lie instead of facing consequences and as a result I don't feel like he is a man of integrity like I once did. I've told him that makes me sad he feels I am that materialistic and shallow. But I know from experience that if I told him I lost respect and question his integrity, that would cut him to the quick and I don't think we could ever move passed it. So I'm left to wait and give him the opportunity that he can right his wrongs and prove to me, and himself, that he will follow through on his word. 

He stopped home after his first college counseling appt. I was wrong (and admitted that to him) he has more college credit than I knew of. He only needs 4 more classes to fulfill his general ed requirements then he can enter a nursing program. He is now looking at an associate RN degree instead of bachelor. I'm thankful the counselor could spell it out for him. I don't know why he is so set on RN except he believes they start off making $50-75 per hour. There's nothing I can say that will change his focus or get him to face the reality. I believe he can finish his general ed, but I don't know that he has the work ethic to get thru the brutal rigors of an RN program. As a poster said above, I know many don't make it. I used to have that blind faith in him. He brought up the homework bit again "I know many wives who have helped their husbands through college". Ugh. Helping him and picking up the slack at home I have no problem with. Doing his work just is not going to happen. 

Unfortunately, we are in California. I have heard it is rough for new nursing graduates to get employment here. In fact I know one who just joined the military because that's the only way she could get nursing experience CA employers are requiring. I am afraid that IF he gets the degree, our savings will be gone, he will have education debt, and we will be in the same place we are now, unable to get him employed in his field. 

I don't know. I see a totally different big picture than he does and that scares me. He sees using retirement accounts as an option...we are viewing things so differently. Not to mention he wants to go into nursing and in 15 years he has never "cared" for me while sick or even after my numerous surgeries. I'm not even going to get into all that. 

I am trying to push forward, I'm just not sure how to do it because I see this as a path to losing, while he sees a path of reinvention.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Best of luck on your test Jasel. You guys are really increasing my anxiety since we are in California!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Jasel said:


> Thanks I'm in Illinois too. I'm thinking about looking in Indiana but I'm willing to relocate. I really wanted to go to Cali for a girl who lives out there but the job situation is so bad for nurses, not to mention new grads, in that state I'm not even going to risk that.


Please don't! I just had a family member whose an RN move from Cali to Michigan (not much better) for work because it's pretty dry out west.

My daughter is graduating with her BSN in December, and I've been telling her to move to Texas or Colorado for work.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ask your husband if he were in the hospital, would he like to be cared for by a nurse who did their own homework or one who had their homework done by someone else. This is healthcare for Pete's sake.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

MsStacy from what you describe of him in post 27, I'm going to be honest with you. Your husband may make it through the gen eds, but he may not get through the 1st year of nursing courses. It requires so much work... and you will not be doing his care plans and clinical. He has to do this all on his own. This isn't something you can just pass on to someone else to help get through. It's not like taking calculus or history. HE has to put in hours of work and studying to get through it. People have jumped ship in the 1st 24 weeks of our program and/or failed out completely. Even the most determined of students can fail or underestimate just how difficult it is.

The job situation is another problem. He 'may' make it and not get work for months afterward. I see his type in my office all the time after graduation begging for recommendation letters from nursing instructors. MONTHS go by before they get interviewed. You're right, he's not seeing the big picture.

Ethics is something he has a problem with as well. He's not even thinking about the job and what it means, he's thinking about the money. RN's deal with life and death situations. LIFE AND DEATH. His lack of knowledge could kill a person. This is NOT something to cheat your way through.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

MsStacy said:


> Best of luck on your test Jasel. You guys are really increasing my anxiety since we are in California!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks! Ya the situation in Cal isn't good for new RNs  Although it might pick up in a couple of years.



A Bit Much said:


> Please don't! I just had a family member whose an RN move from Cali to Michigan (not much better) for work because it's pretty dry out west.
> 
> My daughter is graduating with her BSN in December, and I've been telling her to move to Texas or Colorado for work.


Ya I've heard Texas, Colorado, and Florida are hiring at a pretty good rate for RNs. I really just need to find a hospital where I can get a year of experience because I'd love to go into travel nursing. I think that could open a lot of doors to new places and opportunities.



MsStacy said:


> I don't know why he is so set on RN except he believes they start off making $50-75 per hour. There's nothing I can say that will change his focus or get him to face the reality.
> 
> He brought up the homework bit again "I know many wives who have helped their husbands through college". Ugh. Helping him and picking up the slack at home I have no problem with. Doing his work just is not going to happen.
> 
> ...


California nurses can actually make decent wages. Not what he seems to be thinking, especially for a new grad. But the cost of living is higher in Cali so that does have to be taken into account.

And he's not going to make it through nursing school with that attitude. He's not even in a program and he's already looking to take shortcuts??? Nursing school is based on knowledge but also critical thinking. A lot of the assignments are based on what you're taught in class and what you're required to study. If he thinks it's something he can just pass off to you he probably needs to at least talk to other nurses. Not sure if we're allowed to link to other sites but you might want to point him in the direction of allnurses: For Nurses and Nursing Students - Latest Articles


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Thank you, I will look up the link you provided and pass it on. 

I'm afraid I have shared too much identifying information in this post. I may delete it, but want everyone to know I truly appreciate your time and advice. Many times I need to be reminded that I'm not being an unreasonable perfectionist, but my concerns are valid and rooted in reality. 

Here we go! He's at the counseling appt at the second college. I just got a call that he's signing up for a fall class and he wanted to run the schedule passed me. At least this class fits with his work schedule and I won't be hearing about how he needs to take time off. I don't know...I wish I could be excited and proud.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Just had a talk with H. For those of you familiar with nursing programs...the class he signed up for is the only prerequisit he needs to apply for the LVN program. It's a bridge program so once he completes the LVN he goes into the RN program. I guess at the end of this he will have an associate RN degree and says he can decide at that time whether to pursue the bachelors RN. it's all so foreign to me, but ok, makes some sense I guess. My problem...the LVN is full time for 3 semesters. There's no option of taking a few classes or attending part time. His job will have ended by the time he starts the program so who knows what employment or schedule will look like. I asked him how he plans to attend school full time and also work to pay the bills. He thinks we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I believe we will qualify for education financial aid, but right now all I can see is a year & a half of full time school with little to no work bringing an income. This must be where our deferred comp account comes into play in his mind. After the LVN I believe he said the RN program will be 2 more full time semesters. For those with knowledge of the programs...does this sound correct? He does the prereq class this fall, starts LVN next spring and 2 1/2 years he has an assoc RN? Is that correct?

He pushed me into a corner a bit and I told him that I am struggling with trusting him. I still restrained myself from admitting to my lack of respect, but it was pretty much spelled out. I told him his families ability to self sabotage scares me. The job loss incident is not the first time he has been in such a "negative spiral" that he lied and made poor choices which effectively sabotage and decisions are made for him. I told him this is bringing up the past occurrence and I'm unsure of how to trust & believe in him. He said a lot that he never "intentionally" did, or would do, anything to hurt me or our family. That's true, but the unintentional does enough damage without having motive. He says he can tell that I'm trying to decide whether to stay with him or not and its not fair for me to expect him to jump through hoops while I decide if I'm going to love him. I told him my actions are not the ones that have brought us to this point, that I unconditionally supported him and built him up throughout the job fall out and throughout this last year and a half, that I deserve the same support and courtesy while I now work through my feelings and try to build back my love and trust in him again. At the end of our talk he was loving and supportive. His ego is so fragile that I'm not sure how my admission will affect him. Ugh...trying to put on my big girl panties and strengthen my backbone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

It's pretty difficult to work while in nursing school. I know some people had part time jobs but even that can be overwhelming for many. It's pretty much impossible to have a full time job while in nursing school unless it's an online program for nurses working on their Bachelor's. Those programs know their students are RNs and most likely already working full or part time nursing jobs already. I didn't work while I was getting my LPN and I had to quit my job when I was working on my ADN because it was just too much (although admittedly I was fulltime I might have been able to pull off part time or registry).

And if he does get his Associates he will eventually have to get his Bachelor's. More and more hospitals across the country are requiring registered nurses to have BSNs (although I think the only state that legally requires a Bachelor's to be considered an actual Registered Nurse is still just North Dakota) and the states are lining up behind them. But they have a lot of ADN to BSN online programs out there. But I wouldn't even worry about that for awhile. There are a lot of steps to get to that point.

The good news is once he does become an LPN he has a chance to find a job that offers tuition reimbursement. Basically the job will contribute a certain amount of money a semester/year towards his nursing school if he agrees to work for that job under contract for a set amount of time. Although if he quits or loses his job they'll expect the money to be reimbursed I believe. That's how I think it works at least. I took out loans for my lpn and paid out of pocket for my RN so never utilized tuition reimbursement myself.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

MsStacy said:


> I told him his families ability to self sabotage scares me.
> 
> He says he can tell that I'm trying to decide whether to stay with him or not and its not fair for me to expect him to jump through hoops while I decide if I'm going to love him.
> 
> His ego is so fragile that I'm not sure how my admission will affect him.


Stacy, if you feel uncomfortable posting here, perhaps you should request a mod move your thread to the Private Members section. Just a suggestion ...

Here is one thing that I keep picking up in your posts: you believe the way your husband behaves is directly attributable to his family of origin. Okay, I believe that. But as someone who had two parents tap dancing on my psyche, I have to tell ya ... there is a point when the I'm-a-product-of-my-upbringing becomes a tired excuse. Sure, he could be self-sabotaging because that is what he learned as a child. But he is an adult. Blaming mommy and daddy for his screw-ups now is a lame excuse.

And it is a bit lame for you to hang his bad decisions and behavior on that too. As adults we need to own what is ours. 

And jump through hoops? Well, I haven't heard his side of the story here. He may have a valid point. But all I have to go on is what you are posting. It doesn't sound like you are asking him to jump through hoops.

It sounds like he is minimizing your concerns. I lived with a man who did the same thing. Basically, it is a manipulative technique to invalidate your importance and make you doubt yourself.

As far as his fragile ego goes, you are not responsible for HIS ego. Hon, you really need to get back on your side of the street. If he's a royal F-U, then it's because he made that choice. 

I can only respond to what you post. Again, I haven't heard his side of the story.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Jasel, thank you for your insight. I don't know how he's going to do it. I wish I had blind faith in him like I once did. Seems as though I'm in for a bumpy ride. 

Prodigal, I love you. That is exactly what I have asked him to go talk to our counselor about..."my dad screwed me up therefore whatever mistakes I make its because mommy and daddy screwed me" mentality. I have told him point blank that he can no longer harbor the resentments and lay the blame at his parents feet anymore. He needs to either get over it and move on, or talk to our counselor in IC. He promised me he would but has yet to make the appt. I purposely said "your family's way of self sabotage" in our conversation today because I was trying to soften the blow and not point fingers saying you, you, you. I see, now that you point it out, how I totally fed into his 'it's all my parents fault' mentality. I need to get passed trying to soften the blows of my truths with him and let the chips fall where they fall. 

I am trying to remember that I can only tell my side of the story and I am trying to be conscious of his side, maybe with a little vent here & there.  I am trying to be fair. I am about to resign myself to using the deferred comp acct and get him through school in 3 years. If we were to split, I'd only receive 1/2 the acct anyway. We do have enough in it that, hopefully with financial aid, we would only use a portion of it. I don't know. I tend to think that we'll find out if he can make it through the nursing program early on. Would it be worth it to dip into def comp and allow him to see he needs to put this plan to rest? Or what if he actually makes it? Would it be worth it? I don't know if my anxiety can withstand the upcoming roller coaster ride. 

I have asked for nothing but some time and patience. How he turns that into me asking him to jump thru hoops, I'll never understand. He gets very upset and uneasy when I'm quiet. I'm quiet when I don't have anything nice to say. So I believe I am being fair in saying I'm not asking him to do anything but follow through with what he says he's going to do, and allow me some time to deal with my own feelings. 

I guess I now need to decide if I can support him full time in school & not working. I have to look into a lot of financials. Then I have to decide that should he not make it through the program and quits...or "unintentionally" has that decision made for him...how I would deal with that. Am I looking too far ahead? Am I setting him up/expecting him to fail?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

"crossing that bridge when we get to it" is totally irresponsible. That's not planning. It's called winging it and hoping for the best. That fine if you're young and wild and free. Too bad he's got a wife and kids to cramp his style. 

You see the writing on the wall - there's a good chance that he will not finish this program. His unrealistic expectations - including the time it takes, the work it takes, and that you'll be doing his HW, will put you in a very stressful financial situation.

How long has he wanted to be an RN? Is this out of the blue? Is it a real passion, or a passing phase that will cost you, and he'll blame you for not supporting him?

If you know you're on a sinking ship, you can't stay on the ship. You have to jump ship. If your H insists on dragging you and your kids down with him on his crazy impulsive ride, then you need to figure out how to keeps his slippery fingers off of your saved $ because one of you needs to be responsible and it's not him.

"cross that bridge when we get to it" - that phrase drives me crazy for major concerns like this. We're not talking about what's for dinner next week.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> *MsStacy said:* I guess I now need to decide if I can support him full time in school & not working. I have to look into a lot of financials. Then I have to decide that should he not make it through the program and quits...or "unintentionally" has that decision made for him...how I would deal with that. Am I looking too far ahead? Am I setting him up/expecting him to fail?


Like Jasel pointed out, most students cannot work full time jobs AND attend classes for nursing full time. Our structure is 2 days of lecture, then 2 days of clinical which run from morning to late evening, 6 hours at a time. Trying to fit a full time job in there is impossible (even working midnights) and the ones that try do fail. Studying and prep for class will fill the other 3 days, not to mention lab practicals (simulation lab and practice).

His crossing that bridge attitude is irresponsible. If he is determined to go ahead with this plan, please be sure to have plan B and C ready to go. And it's not looking too far ahead in this case. You can see the writing on the wall and what could happen in 12 months. Foresight and intuition are gifts, don't ignore what you feel because you'll end up regretting it.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

I expect his career in nursing school to be extremely short lived. One should not go into nursing just for the money. It is a very hard job.

I suggest he get a job as a CNA for awhile to see if he likes healthcare before committing to nursing school. CNA's provide care for nursing home patients and I do the same things now as a floor nurse (plus more. But I still do incontinent care, hygiene, feeding people, etc). The pay is $23/hr. It's very like mothering only the diaper changes are on senior citizens. 

I think your H might be better off being a security guard or something along those lines where his resume as police officer might carry weight. It won't pay as well as the police job but few private sector jobs do. You just tighten up the old belts and find some ways to supplement your income here and there (could you babysit another toddler Ms Stacy?).


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

A Bit Much, I appreciate your insight, experience and advice. When I question him on how he plans to do all this, he makes me feel unsupportive and like I'm constantly raining on his parade. He keeps showing me the flier he was given on how to apply for financial aid. I received financial aid in college. Granted, it was a long time ago, but I remember at the beginning I registered & paid for classes, then was reimbursed. After that I believe I had to show I was registered for full time and I was told a little in advance what I would receive. I tried to explain to him it's not like we are qualifying for a house...we may not know what he will receive until after his first full time semester has started. He won't listen...cuts me off because I am a negative nelly. Can anyone share with me how it works? Has anything with financial aid changed in the last 20 years? Is there any way to find out what kind of assistance he will receive ahead of time? I just don't understand how he can sit back and be comfortable saying "we'll cross that bridge when we come to it". All I see right now is unemployment in 5 1/2 months, then him saying he's going to school full-time, working part-time *at an UNKNOWN job that pays benefits*, and everyone saying its impossible to work during nursing school. I see our retirement savings going down the drain. He did say that this prerequisite class he signed up for next month...the counseling office called it a "gateway" class. They said it is a class that will usually weed out those that can't hack it, those who can't do the science, those that probably won't make it through the program. It's a bio by the way...I can look up the specifics if necessary. Jasel, A Bit Much...is that possible? I am such a ball of anxiety. He wants more unconditional support, but all I can see is his fantasy. I'm told that I am dwelling in negativity. 

In the mean time, I am trying to find a way to be "ok" with his plans. Trying to follow our counselor a advise to let him chart his path to either succeed or fail. I am trying to go with the flow. And then I get a text from him today that says, 
"Despite all, u can count on my love and dedication 2 u. i was wrong 2 suggest otherwise in the past. (no reply needed)."
What do I do with that???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

One other thing to consider that I didn't see mentioned about nursing school - it can be very competitive to get accepted in to the program at some schools. Has he discussed that with his counselor? I'd hate for you to be counting on him starting his program at a certain time, only to find him unemployed AND not in school because there is a long waiting list.

And I second the person that said it is getting VERY difficult to get a job as an RN without your BSN. I would suggest he really look at the job market in your area very closely.

Financial aid - I don't know. It's been a long time since school for me but I didn't get anything other than student loans, which have to be paid back. So more debt.

Another idea given his background as a police officer - what about a job as a private investigator?


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Thanks Blonde. 

He did get his CNA certification. He is currently working in the Behavioral Health Unit as a Mental Health Tech. I've tried to get him to go the security or loss prevention route. He refuses. He was miserable as a cop, only went into the field because he was following Daddy's footsteps and wanted some recognition from Daddy. The whole security field smacks at him for some reason. It really sucks because he was a great cop, was recognized with awards and really made a difference. Oh...and he was only 6 years away from a full retirement. 

He wants to become a nurse to work in the psychiatric field. The college he signed up for has a psych nurse program I have tried to steer him towards, but he says that would limit his options too much. I don't know. I don't know how to support or steer him anymore. When his job closes in December he may have to get CNA work. He has an inflated sense of himself so I suspect that nursing homes are not on his list of jobs he is searching for. I don't know. That's all I can think of lately is...I don't know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

justonelife...these are all issues I have brought up. Our local college has a looooong wait list for nursing school, which is why he is starting the prereq at one further away. They told him they use this prereq class to weed people out and to help them decide whether to accept into the LVN program. Someone told him that since he's a male, and with his background in law enforcement, he is a shoe-in...a great candidate. So he is taking that as gospel now. From my previous employment & experience, I had a contact and got him into a private investigation and security firm. He worked one job for them and quit. It was beyond embarrassing for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

MsStacy - I understand that you are torn because you feel like you should be unconditionally supporting your husband. But there ARE limits to that. Would you unconditionally support his desire to jump off a bridge, start doing drugs, race motorcycles without a helmet? No, because those things are stupid and dangerous. What he is proposing is irresponsible for your family. He's not a single guy. He's a 40ish man with a wife and 2 kids. Grow UP!

Secondly - Is he emotionally supporting you? What about your need for security and knowing that you will have a roof over your head?

Have you ever heard of Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs

Yes, self-esteem, respect and confidence are important needs that we all have. But food, clothing and shelter are much much MORE important. He needs to get his priorities straight. So does your counselor, for pete's sake. Does the counselor really understand the ramifications of this decision?


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

IsGirl3...yes, I'm afraid I do see the writing on the wall. Wanting to be an RN has come about in the last year since he's been working at the hospital. Let me add that he works 32 hours a week and all I hear is how he needs a day off, won't take that extra shift because it cuts into his weekend, as soon as he earns enough sick or vacation time he uses it...etc. I am very afraid this ship is sinking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Justonelife...I need to question my counselor about that a little more. I spelled it out to her that I don't consider unemployment benefits as a feasible plan B, she is working on my compulsion to control, fix & step in and told me I have to let him make a plan and follow through, even if I don't agree. Right now I must just support the jump off a bridge idea.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

*may* support the jump off a bridge idea, not "must"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If his plans don't work out he is going to be shocked and disbelieving. Unemployment benefits don't last forever. Since he feels you are raining on his parade it's unlikely he's thinking ahead to the possibility of his career as an RN disappearing. And he doesn't appear to be a nose-to-the-grindstone sort.

If he won't listen to you, is there anyone he will listen to?


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

MsStacy said:


> Thanks Blonde.
> 
> He did get his CNA certification. He is currently working in the Behavioral Health Unit as a Mental Health Tech.
> ...
> He wants to become a nurse to work in the psychiatric field. The college he signed up for has a psych nurse program I have tried to steer him towards, but he says that would limit his options too much.


^^ makes me feel more hopeful that maybe there is passion involved in this career path. That is a coherent path- he is getting experience under his belt as a mental health tech and he is interested in psych nursing



> I don't know. I don't know how to support or steer him anymore.


Like your counselor says, stop trying to steer him. Sets up a "mommy" dynamic and keeps them from growing up IMO.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

on financial aid, you fill out the FAFSA and within 3 days they send you "expected family contribution". We don't qualify for PELL grants, but I'm assuming they will also tell you that when they send your SAR (Student Aid Report).

When is he planning to start school?


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Blonde, that ever so slightly eases my anxiety. I have always felt he liked to mindfvck whoever he can...psych would be a great place for him. I also believe it is something different than his father did therefore he could have personal pride. His work ethic worries me. He starts the first prereq class next month. Then he would apply to the LVN program. But as everyone above says, not having a bachelors RN is critical, and living in California could be employment suicide. That is very helpful to me that we can get a SAR that will give us some idea of possible financial aid. I'll get right on that. 

Openminded...we think alike. No, right now there is no one he will listen to. He has no contact with his entire family. He thinks my parents are only wanting to see their daughter & granddaughters get whatever materialistic thing we desire (because they are also advising NOT using retirement accounts.). He has two male friends that will probably never even consider the finances of his plan. I am really hoping the financial advisor we are going to sit down with will talk some sense into him re: the retirement accounts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Rather than trying to find all the answers at once, you only should concern yourself with one thing at a time.

So he starts bio next month. GREAT! Financial aid application time has passed, so you'll be paying for that out of pocket. The good thing is you can put it on a payment plan with the bursars office and pay it in installments for 3 months (or so). Can't do that with books though, and unfortunately they will be a couple hundred dollars.

See if he passes the course. He may not. What else does he have to take? Is there a wait list for the program he wants to get into? Just because he's ready doesn't mean there's space for him and he may have to wait a semester. He doesn't have a job yet... and getting one later down the road will be more difficult because of the stress on his time. 

Sometime around mid-November see how he's doing. You don't need to be a debbie downer, but you also don't need to be overly enthusiastic about what he's doing. The truth is it's scary as hell. He should know how frightened you are of how uncertain everything is, and that you feel as though you are the only one taking it seriously.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

MsStacy said:


> IsGirl3...yes, I'm afraid I do see the writing on the wall. Wanting to be an RN has come about in the last year since he's been working at the hospital. Let me add that he works 32 hours a week and all I hear is how he needs a day off, won't take that extra shift because it cuts into his weekend, as soon as he earns enough sick or vacation time he uses it...etc. I am very afraid this ship is sinking.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


32 hours a week is great, but too much for RN courses to be fit into... sadly he'll have to find this out on his own. Most students either do NOT work (family survives on one working spouse or student lives with parents) or they work 20-25 hours a week tops.

If he whines now about not having a day off he's going to be in for a rude awakening.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

MsStacy said:


> justonelife...these are all issues I have brought up. Our local college has a looooong wait list for nursing school, which is why he is starting the prereq at one further away. They told him they use this prereq class to weed people out and to help them decide whether to accept into the LVN program. Someone told him that since he's a male, and with his background in law enforcement, he is a shoe-in...a great candidate. So he is taking that as gospel now. From my previous employment & experience, I had a contact and got him into a private investigation and security firm. He worked one job for them and quit. It was beyond embarrassing for me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I just saw this...

With a wait list and a list of pre-reqs and GPA and entrance exam requirements NOBODY is a shoe in. It's not one of those things anybody can do.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> So he starts bio next month. GREAT! Financial aid application time has passed, so you'll be paying for that out of pocket. The good thing is you can put it on a payment plan with the bursars office and pay it in installments for 3 months (or so). Can't do that with books though, and unfortunately they will be a couple hundred dollars.


Depending on the school, you may still be able to apply for aid

Student Aid Deadlines - FAFSA on the Web - Federal Student Aid

And here is what I did @ textbooks through nursing school. 

Textbook companies put out new editions about every two years. I would buy the edition which had just been replaced. The page numbers will be different but IME changes were usually slight. The only complication with this is access to online material. If a professor really incorporates the online material a lot, you may have to purchase an access code which can be pricey. I never had to.

I routinely paid $5-$15 for textbooks where the latest edition was $75 or more. dealoz is a good place to search prices on used textbooks.

Nursing professors would occasionally put a box full of their discards outside their door and I nabbed several of my slightly older edition textbooks there. One professor told me that they "are not allowed to suggest anything to students except to buy the latest edition but off the record, the book hasn't changed very much."

^^Just used my textbook buying skills to get my daughter's books for two college classes (Soc and Psych) this summer. $35 total for 3 textbooks which cost her classmates @$300 if they bought them new. DD says they are working out just fine.


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## Why me? (Jul 14, 2013)

Do you have children?


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## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> 32 hours a week is great, but too much for RN courses to be fit into... sadly he'll have to find this out on his own. Most students either do NOT work (family survives on one working spouse or student lives with parents) or they work 20-25 hours a week tops.
> 
> If he whines now about not having a day off he's going to be in for a rude awakening.


People can work 80 to 100 hrs per week. It's not healthy but it can be done. They key is focusing on what your doing, sleep when your supposed to be sleep, and not too many outside activities when you are doing it.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

AlphaProvider said:


> People can work 80 to 100 hrs per week. It's not healthy but it can be done. They key is focusing on what your doing, sleep when your supposed to be sleep, and not too many outside activities when you are doing it.


LOL yeah sure they can.

I haven't seen it done yet in the 7 years I've been admin. for our program and it's only ADN. And if you want to be comatose during clinical then this is the way to do it. That's unsafe, not just for you but also for your patient.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Why Me - yes, we have two young children. 

Blonde, thank you so much for the resources and info. I will look into that. 

He has decided to take this bio class. It starts right about a month from now. It does work with his work schedule, so at least I know what we are doing from now till December. He's already talking about how it is going to interfere with "family time" and his "time off". I have resigned myself to stay positive and simply respond "yes, but this is temporary and I know you can do it" with a smile on my face. 

I don't know what is going to happen with employment after December. I don't know how he plans to get into the program or how long the waiting list is. I don't know how he plans to go to school in the full time program and still work to pay the bills. I don't know. But you guys are right, and I appreciate the advice and feedback...my anxiety over the future is becoming a problem lately so I'm setting it aside for now. I DO know what is happening through December. I will worry about the next step in a few months, because worrying about it now is making me ill. 

I have always wanted to open my own business and I believe our little town needs and could support what I want to do. I did some research when he first lost his job a year and a half ago. He came down on me because he said it was just another way of me not having any faith in him, taking control and trying to "fix" our situation myself. I am limited with my disability, and what I can put in my name, but I have a lot of support from family and friends. I'm just afraid that taking such a big risk could bankrupt us. I'm certainly up to the work and challenge of starting and opening a business from scratch. Not sure I'm up to the badgering from H as he sees this as a lack of support in him.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Revisit your plans after December rolls around. Give him time to put a plan together... yes this means sitting on your hands waiting and freaking out a bit. You have to allow him to lead your family... when he has NO plan, or what he decides to do doesn't work, then you can insert plan B which is your project. 

I know it's hard. I was in a marriage much like yours and the lack of security was terrifying at times. I had to take things over all the time, and when I left that relationship and married my current husband I had to pull back. If you don't let them lead they won't do it or they'll be resentful about your not trusting their decisions. My H is nothing like my last, but the trust thing was very difficult after being burned. I do understand how you feel.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

He doesn't sound very ambitious or bright so why are you with him?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

MsStacy said:


> He has decided to take this bio class. It starts right about a month from now. It does work with his work schedule, so at least I know what we are doing from now till December. He's already talking about how it is going to interfere with "family time" and his "time off".


Does your husband have any concept of reality? Do you have a theory on why he wants to pursue a demanding degree? Thus far, he has tried to foist him homework assignments on you, and he's already b!tching about having work/school responsibilities cut into his time off. 

I don't get it.:scratchhead: What is it about this man - and NOT your dedication to hang in - that keeps you there? Seriously.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

A Bit Much, that's my plan. He does want to lead our family and often times I let my controlling nature override him. I am going to let him and hope he succeeds. It would be a great thing for his sense of self worth if he makes it. 

Quant & Prodigal, I realize I complain about him and am quick to list his negatives here. It helps me to use TAM as a sounding board, a place to vent and work out my negative thoughts because he takes any negative so personally. I have been in a negative place in my marriage for awhile so it is sometimes hard to share the positives. He has never been what I would call ambitious, but I used to think he had a strong work ethic. I know he was totally burned out at work and that has affected so many aspects of our lives. I'm trying to allow him the opportunity to rebuild that work ethic, to prove it to himself and to me. When it is something he believes in and has a passion for he will shine. Why do I stay? Right now it's out of responsibility. To my girls, to my vows, to him because I know we are absolutely all he has. He is a great father and I don't want to take that away from my girls on a full time basis. I do love him and I hope to build on that. I've said this before...if our marriage doesn't work, I want to be able to tell my girls that I gave daddy plenty of opportunity to fix his mistakes, to create another career, to show us that he can again be the man of integrity that I married. I want to give him the chance to earn my respect back. If that doesn't happen I can say I did everything and didn't just cut and run when I had a good excuse. 

Something I have figured out lately...he talks (we all know that!!), he "says" he is planning on xyz, he spouts all these ridiculous things that send me into a spiral of anxiety and trying to fix it, but these plans very seldom come to fruition. He has an internal (and verbal) process that makes me crazy, but if I can ride it out and sit on my hands, we usually don't go down his fantasy planned path. I don't know if that makes sense, I understand it in my head. I told him recently that he's been all talk and no action. He has noticeably improved and has been following through with what he says. So I have to admit he is trying. I need to let him continue and pray he keeps us on a positive, forward moving, financially reasonable path.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Wish me luck! I set up a babysitter then texted H that we have childcare would he like to go see a movie this afternoon. Last time I did this he told me to cancel the sitter and go by myself, he'll stay with the girls, and that was a lazy way to try and date my husband. He replied to me today "wow, nice surprise, sure". 

So there's some progress.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

MsStacy said:


> ... he spouts all these ridiculous things that send me into a spiral of anxiety and *trying to fix it*, but these plans very seldom come to fruition. He has an internal (and verbal) process that *makes me crazy*, but if I can ride it out and sit on my hands, we usually don't go down his fantasy planned path.


The issue with staying because of a sense of responsibility can become a sticky problem, because codependents have an exaggerated sense of responsibility. 

Years ago, I sat in an Al-Anon meeting and listened to a woman proudly announce she COULD take it; she was going to stick by her man, even when he drank away his entire paycheck in 48 hours. She could take it. She was a survivor.

I don't doubt it. I don't know what happened to her, because I moved out of state. However, I sincerely hope her overly-developed sense of responsibility didn't result in her throwing herself and her kids under the bus.

Venting is fine. Vent away. Just keep in mind that the likely reason your husband's pie-in-the-sky plans make you crazy is because you cannot fix him or control what he is doing. 

As I said, vent. But it may also be useful for you to post more about your feelings, and what is going on inside of you. Not everything you feel or experience is related to what he is doing or not doing. But that's how codies are. Someone is making them go crazy. Someone is frustrating them.

Take it from a codie, this view of what is going on is skewed. I ALLOWED someone else to make me nuts. I no longer allow anyone to rent that much space in my head. 

Hope your date goes well.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Prodigal...I need more time to read my codependent book. What you're saying rings true. I'm standing up for myself more lately, which is causing more conflict. I'm not sure where to go from here. I need to read more, and I think I need more IC. 

Our date went well till the end. After the movie we had time to talk...which always sends us in the same direction. I seriously don't know what I'm feeling right now. Damn!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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