# Sexless marriage should I stay?



## Unsure-next-step (Apr 13, 2011)

I've been with my husband for 13 years we've been married for 9 yrs. We've had sex maybe 3 times in the last year it's not because I don't want to it's his choice. He says he doesn't want to have sex because he doesn't want to use condoms. I had to go off the pill over a year ago due to health reasons. I've asked him to talk to the doctor about his low sex drive because I think it's due to a medication he is taking, since our sex life use to be great a few years ago. He pretends he doesn't have a problem. Our marriage has also been strained the past few years because I changed my mind about having kids. He is dead set against having kids and yes we talk about this before we got married and I was in agreement, but have changed my mind now. I may be able to move on without kids, but I'm not willing to be in a sexless marriage. I love him as a person, but I'm not sure I'm in love with him anymore. I'm tired of feeling guilty for wanting to have sex with my husband. He doesn't understand that we can't be close without sex. I'm not sure what my next step should be I've tried talking to him we've gone to a counselor, but that didn't help. The last time I talk to him about sex he said he wanted us to be friends first then we can work on the sex part. I'm I crazy for wanting both? I don't think I can go on much longer in a sexless marriage.


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## Faith-Hope-Love (Mar 4, 2011)

It's unfortunate that the counselor didn't work out. There are many different counseling theories, and as many counseling styles as there are counselors. But I think most counselors would agree that they don't solve people's problems; they only help people solve problems themselves. So, I wouldn't give up on the counseling just because the first one didn't work out. You can tell after one or two sessions if you and a counselor are compatible. Try again. Be sure to let him/her know that compatibility with the counselor is a big concern. You can ask the counselor you had for a recommendation of someone to see; they shouldn't be offended.

From your post, it sounds like your husband is fumbling for reasons. Maybe he doesn't know the real reason. Maybe he does, and is either hiding it from you or hiding it from himself. Whatever the case, bring up the subject at a neutral time (not when you're getting into bed) and let him know that you are very unhappy with the situation. Tell him you want to understand things from his point of view, why he doesn't want to have sex with you, and why he doesn't want to talk to his doctor about it. Let him know that the marriage is at risk because you do not understand him.

Ask your doctor whether his medication would cause low sex drive. Also, ask about determining when in your monthly cycle it is relatively safe to have unprotected sex, and the odds of pregnancy then. It's information you might be able to use when talking to your husband.

As for not having children - well, I'm 58 years old now and I seriously regret not having children. Many times I have become acquainted with people in their 20's and even early 30's who are really nice folks. And the thought often occurs to me that they are young enough to be my son or daughter, and I've missed out on raising/loving/knowing someone from birth to that age. I sense that massive hole in my heart and in my life, and it saddens me. You can't force your husband to change his mind about having children, but maybe you can get him to see what he has been missing. Do you have a 10 year old relative or neighbor to use as an example?


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

The fact that your sex life was once great with your husband gives some hope. The lack of sex is likely a symptom of the other problems in your marriage I think. It won't be easy, but with both of you working at it you can get back what you once had.

I have a worse problem. I'm in a sexless marriage in which the sex was NEVER good. We were both virgins when we married and as a 22 year-old that received no advice about marriage, I was ill-prepared to make a good decision about who to marry. It seemed like marrying my girlfriend of 2 years after college graduation was the logical progression. I keep opening up my heart to her only to get reminded time and time again why I'm so miserable.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

He doesn't want kids and doesn't like condoms and you can't be on the pill. Quite a problem.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Runs, I love your posts. You say it all in just a few words


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I have a very limited attention span.


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

Runs like dog - 861 posts, 1500 words.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> He doesn't want kids and doesn't like condoms and you can't be on the pill. Quite a problem.


Vasectomy!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

That's exactly what I'm poking at. She can get a diaphragm, yes? 
It can't just be plumbing and biology though it's part of the problem. And they're not opposed to birth control. I think it's a sexual performance or anxiety thereof, issue. And I don't care how mad you are at your wife. If she's ready to go have sex, you will have sex. Being mad at her has nothing to do with it. They call it hate-****ing. 

Nah we don't have the whole picture.


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## Unsure-next-step (Apr 13, 2011)

I did try a diaphragm, but I found it to hard to insert and remove. The doctor didn't think it was a good option for me. My husband does have an appointment for a Vasectomy in May. I don't think that's going to help the problem, because even when I was on the pill we had sex but not often maybe once every 3-4 months. The sex slowed down about 3 to 4 years ago even when I was on the pill. Me not being on the pill is just an excuse for him. I've tried talking to him about it, but he pretends there is no issue.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

IUD?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

If he is certain he doesn't want kids - why doesn't he get a vasectomy?




Unsure-next-step said:


> I've been with my husband for 13 years we've been married for 9 yrs. We've had sex maybe 3 times in the last year it's not because I don't want to it's his choice. He says he doesn't want to have sex because he doesn't want to use condoms. I had to go off the pill over a year ago due to health reasons. I've asked him to talk to the doctor about his low sex drive because I think it's due to a medication he is taking, since our sex life use to be great a few years ago. He pretends he doesn't have a problem. Our marriage has also been strained the past few years because I changed my mind about having kids. He is dead set against having kids and yes we talk about this before we got married and I was in agreement, but have changed my mind now. I may be able to move on without kids, but I'm not willing to be in a sexless marriage. I love him as a person, but I'm not sure I'm in love with him anymore. I'm tired of feeling guilty for wanting to have sex with my husband. He doesn't understand that we can't be close without sex. I'm not sure what my next step should be I've tried talking to him we've gone to a counselor, but that didn't help. The last time I talk to him about sex he said he wanted us to be friends first then we can work on the sex part. I'm I crazy for wanting both? I don't think I can go on much longer in a sexless marriage.


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## akcroy (Dec 23, 2010)

Unsure-next-step said:


> I love him as a person, but I'm not sure I'm in love with him anymore.


Seems like your husband is abstaining because he doesn't want kids. He doesn't want a vasectomy either, so he's just trying to stay under the radar for as long as he can.

Anyway, your above quote kinda settles it, doesn't it? You want kids, which he won't give you, and merely wanting kids has turned him off on you.

You have to decide whether you want to live with him for the rest of your life or not.


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