# Need someone who understands and can help



## dadintexas (Apr 27, 2018)

Soooo....where to start. My ex wife and I had been together for about 13 years. We had a very up and down relationship. We separated multiple times and even remarried each other after a 2 years divorce. The second marriage lasted about 3 months.

All throughout our marriage, I was always the bread winner. She rarely worked and stayed at home and supported the kids. The only time that she did work was when she joined the Army about 3 years into our marriage. During those 3 years she was in, we lived in Seattle and I worked a lot. While we were there, she had an affair. Was a complete shock to me and I decided to try and stay to work it out. Especially since we were so far away from home. Just to put into perspective what kind of person I was married to, after she ended the affair, she actually wanted us to try and all be friends with the man she had the affair with and his wife. Having no backbone at the time, I actually went a long with this for awhile.....until it was just too much.

Fast forward to moving back to Texas. THings were going okay, but I still held a lot of resentment towards her. I ended up kicking her out after I just couldn't handle it anymore. I still regret and feel an immense amount of guilt because of this. That lasted about a month until we moved back in together and gave it another try. But things were never the same. 

Fast forward another year. Things were bad and we decided to divorce. Now mind you, by this time we have a 6 year old daughter. We stayed divorced for about two years yet still remained very good friends. She calls me up one day and tells me she is pregnant and she found out that the father was actually married and seeing her behind his wife's back. Something she did not know. He wanted nothing to do with the baby. So here I come to save the day. We get back together, when she is about 3 months pregnant. I take care of everything and we get married so that the baby will be mine when he is born. 

Fast forward another two years. The marriage is just a legal term at this point. We are basically roommates and just leave it at that. We agree to see other people and stay married for the kids sake. Meanwhile, I am still taking care of everything. Always there to bail her out.

I finally move out and for over a year we are living separately, yet in lieu of child support, I just pay the bills and give her some extra cash to get by on. She meets someone that is great for her. I meet someone that is great for me. She moves about an hour away. Not a big deal, but I dont get to see my kids as much as I did before. 14 year old girl and now 6 year old boy. 

So here I am, two years removed from all of this. But here is where my real problems lie. Why do i still feel the need to help her, try to talk to her on a regular basis, go the extra mile even when she doesn't ask for it anymore? Why do I still feel the need to make her happy? There is nothing she can do to me. I pay my child support (more than I have to actually). I never miss my scheduled time with the kids. So why the hell can't I move on and just let it be? Why the hell am I still afraid of her? I know she's the classic definition of a narcissist and I am the classic definition of a codependent, but how do I get past this??? How do I move on and live my life without the fear of pissing her off and her not being happy? Why do I feel like that is still my responsibility??? Can someone please help me. I cant do this anymore.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

KISA syndrome. See a therapist.

You already know what’s wrong...


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> KISA syndrome. See a therapist.
> 
> You already know what’s wrong...


Yes my brother, this...

You have issues, and you need a lot of therapy. 

Sorry to be so blunt but this is a fact. Further, DO NOT MARRY OR GET THE NEW GIRL PREGNANT.

I also think you have issues with you picker at least, as well as self esteem, codependency and probably other stuff.

You should have never gotten with this girl, and, you should have left the first time you knew she cheated. But my guess is that was not the first time...


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## dadintexas (Apr 27, 2018)

Yes, I know what's wrong. My problem is, how do I stop it? How do I get rid of this anxiety?


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## dadintexas (Apr 27, 2018)

I guess therapy really is the only answer at this point. Thought this was something that I could fix on my own. 

I just hate how this has so much control over my life.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

dadintexas said:


> I guess therapy really is the only answer at this point. Thought this was something that I could fix on my own.
> 
> I just hate how this has so much control over my life.


Really man, you are going to have to do that. You can look up stuff on the internet and spend a lot of time reading. 

And it may help. Things you should Google are KISA syndrome, Codependency, low self esteem, and you might even try "what does a healthy relationship look like". 

A lot of this boils down to you did not think you deserved better so you tried to keep her. She on the other hand saw you as weak, so she could control you, and screw whoever she wanted to, when she wanted to. 

I am guessing that you had a rough childhood or a pampered childhood. You did not date much before you found her, so you had no experience. 

And listen in your case, it looks like she just saw you as someone to use and screw over. She has a bunch of issues as well. 

Before you get much older, you have to get this stuff deal with and learn to grow as a man, or you will be dealing with women who are users the rest of your life...


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## dadintexas (Apr 27, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> Really man, you are going to have to do that. You can look up stuff on the internet and spend a lot of time reading.
> 
> And it may help. Things you should Google are KISA syndrome, Codependency, low self esteem, and you might even try "what does a healthy relationship look like".
> 
> ...


Well, that's the problem. I'm 41. Childhood was decent, not rough nor pampered. I have just always been the "fixer" type. And now that I read about KISA, I understand it more. I know in my heart that she is just not a good person. At all.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You are codependent. It is treatable and fixable. See a therapist who can help you break the cycle.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

dadintexas said:


> Well, that's the problem. I'm 41. Childhood was decent, not rough nor pampered. I have just always been the "fixer" type. And now that I read about KISA, I understand it more. I know in my heart that she is just not a good person. At all.


But you defined yourself by being her fixer. Now you have no one to fix. That’s what codependency does to you. It keeps you trapped in a behavioral cycle that is ultimately self destructive. 

She is most likely a narcissist. Codependents and narcissistists often end up in relationships with each other, feeding off each others’ dysfunction.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I see a mixture of KISA and codependent.

KISA is when you get your self worth from saving the damsel in distress.

Codependent is when you put the destructive needs of someone else above your own, to the point of it causing you harm.

Get the book "Codependent No More & Beyond Codependency" by Melody Beattie 

Even if you get into counseling, this book will do a lot to get you to work out why you are doing this and to stop it.

You need to stop this behavior pattern before you can ever consider forming a long term relationship with another woman. Because if you don't, you will just repeat this behavior again.

What was your childhood like? I've read that a lot of us spend adulthood in relationships that are similar to our family of origin (FOO). The reason is that we are still trying to make that same dynamic work and we end up spending our doing this, over and over.

Did you feel that you only had value as a kid if you were helping someone, like your mom and/or dad? Was one or both of your parents an alcoholic or have other addictions and/or behavioral issues?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Never be a fixer or an enabler, @dadintexas ~ more especially within the confines of a committed relationship!

Let your W go, but continue to cherish both of those precious children.

And be far more cognizant of who you ultimately open up your heart to, love wise!*


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

dadintexas said:


> Well, that's the problem. I'm 41. Childhood was decent, not rough nor pampered. I have just always been the "fixer" type. And now that I read about KISA, I understand it more. I know in my heart that she is just not a good person. At all.


She sounds like a dumpster fire.

What do you want?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Why aren’t your thoughts and energy being put into your new relationship?

If you put all of yourself into something, maybe you can starve this thing in your mind for your ex.

Don’t feed the wolf.


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