# Might be the end for me and my college sweetheart.



## sqazm (Sep 3, 2011)

tl;dr ahead, sorry. 

We met in college, she was 18, I was 25. We were both musicians, she a singer and I a composer. I didn't really want to get involved with someone so young, but there's no fighting love. She was everything I was not - outgoing, excitable, empathetic, easily and comfortably emotional. She was everything I was but usually didn't have the confidence to be - weird, silly, a total goof. The first two years were amazing. We were that "perfect couple" that made everyone gag, and we knew it. We took seasonal photos together, made up all sorts of odd songs together - hell, our first date was a guy's dream: she made me dinner and then we played Mortal Kombat. She was my best friend. I knew I'd want to hang out with this girl even if we never dated. 

Our families loved us. She loved both sides of my family (we each have divorced parents). Everyone of family members and all our friends were behind us - they wanted to see us make it. 

Things probably started to go downhill a year ago when we moved in together. A few months after that, I proposed, and we got married in December. In the past year, we've grown way apart. We've discovered we're quite different in a lot of ways. She an extrovert, I an introvert. She loves musical theater, I think it's kind of cheesy. I love minimalism, she couldn't care less about it. She's always wanted to have a lot of kids, I want one or two. She has 10 bridesmaids for our wedding ceremony*, I have only 2 or 3 groomsmen so far. She finds comfort in a cluttered apartment, I am frustrated to no end by it and prefer order and cleanliness (I have long since given up cleaning up after her...our place is constantly a mess now). She finds nothing wrong with offering our place to stay for an old HS friend of hers who is in the process of getting back on her feet (as well as her bf), I find it incredibly intrusive and don't even like being home now because of it. She has a very very low sex drive (once a month at best), I could go every day and be happy. 

*We got legally married in December of 2010 for financial reasons. Our ceremony is scheduled for next summer. 

Our lack of physical intimacy and emotional connection has been the source of major stress for both of us, so much so that what I miss most of all now is having her friendship. I don't even really have that anymore because we're so.....on edge from the other things. We had a really long talk about all these things last night, and it seems both of us have had the same worries, fears, and thoughts of separation. We both love each other, but feel like that's not enough - we just want to see the other happy, even if that means not being H and W. The last 6 months or so have felt like a surface relationship - one based on saying "I love you," cuddling, and saying "you're pretty" and "you're handsome," which is no way to have a relationship. 

We have counseling scheduled for next Wednesday, which was set up before our talk last night. For the first time in 3 years, I feel totally unsure of what's going to happen. If we did get divorced though, I know it would be for the best and it would be mutual. And it wouldn't be divorce out of hate. I guess that's about all I have. Thanks for reading.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

sqazm said:


> tl;dr ahead, sorry.
> 
> We met in college, she was 18, I was 25. We were both musicians, she a singer and I a composer. I didn't really want to get involved with someone so young, but there's no fighting love. She was everything I was not - outgoing, excitable, empathetic, easily and comfortably emotional. She was everything I was but usually didn't have the confidence to be - weird, silly, a total goof. The first two years were amazing. We were that "perfect couple" that made everyone gag, and we knew it. We took seasonal photos together, made up all sorts of odd songs together - hell, our first date was a guy's dream: she made me dinner and then we played Mortal Kombat. She was my best friend. I knew I'd want to hang out with this girl even if we never dated.
> 
> ...


If you have that with a desire to fix things, you have more than most! Some of it is compromise and growing pains. Put your all into marriage counseling and you just never know!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sqazm (Sep 3, 2011)

I've been kind of a wreck today. =( I don't know if it's because my heart is screaming at me going "what in the actual **** are you doing? going to throw this all away?" and because it's not right, or because the remaining bits I have left over after all the other emptiness of missing emotional, physical, and friendship connection - that last bit is being threatened to be taken away. 

Wednesday night can't come fast enough.


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## cloudyforecast (Sep 20, 2011)

December 2010 wasn't too terribly long ago...less than a year. It's a little worrisome that you two are having so many problems this early into the marriage. I might be wrong about that, but - just my first instinct.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

A very sad story, the way you describe the early part of your relationship really brings to life the love you clearly have for each other; many married couples never had that in the first place. Can you not try to bring some of that magic back to life somehow?



sqazm said:


> She loves musical theater, I think it's kind of cheesy.


Not to make light of your situation, but that's quite an amusing reason to give for marital problems! Perhaps you could compromise with some light opera?


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## sqazm (Sep 3, 2011)

grenville said:


> A very sad story, the way you describe the early part of your relationship really brings to life the love you clearly have for each other; many married couples never had that in the first place. Can you not try to bring some of that magic back to life somehow?


Hopefully. Going to counseling in about an hour and a half. So......[/hope]




grenville said:


> Not to make light of your situation, but that's quite an amusing reason to give for marital problems! Perhaps you could compromise with some light opera?


Haha. tbh, I don't really like opera. Matter of fact, I like very little vocal music.


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## sqazm (Sep 3, 2011)

Aftermath of counseling. 

Wife still feels the same way. Wants to separate. 

Man this hurts so bad. In the last 24 hours I've cried like I've never cried before. I don't know what to do right now and I'm very confused.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

sqazm said:


> Aftermath of counseling.
> 
> Wife still feels the same way. Wants to separate.
> 
> Man this hurts so bad. In the last 24 hours I've cried like I've never cried before. I don't know what to do right now and I'm very confused.


What did she give as her main reasons for wanting to separate? Whatever they are though, hang in there, things will get better one way or another. Crying is good, it bring temporary relief at least.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I am an introvert, married to an extrovert; he has a degree in engineering, and mine is in English. You need to complement each other; you do not want a clone of yourself because your strengths will support her weaknesses and vice versa.

You need to learn the principles of a good relationship. Get His Needs, Her Needs and Lovebusters by Willard Harley. Tell her how important sex is to you in order to express your love for her. Believe it or not, many women do not understand the male sex drive. They wrongly believe it is physical only; explain the emotional content of it. Without a good sex life my husband and I would not be able to compromise on the little things that are annoying you two.

I think you can work it out once you understand the dynamics of marriage. Keep trying; do not give up on each other.

This is a journey. Love is the start, but you also need to understand how to be a team together. Think we, not me. Make sure your counselor knows how to repair marriages; if not, do not hesitate to find another one!


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## sqazm (Sep 3, 2011)

Been texting back and forth all day and last night, her mostly saying how she's so sorry and confused/doesn't know what to do, me expressing how much I love her. 

She's staying home tonight and promised we will talk about things.


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## sqazm (Sep 3, 2011)

Her blog said she feels more level headed now and thinks she's decided what road she wants to take. 

Now I'm nervous. What does that even mean??


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## sqazm (Sep 3, 2011)

She wants to try separation and living separately. Does that ever result in good things?


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

No, sqazm, DO NOT separate. You cannot work on your marriage in separate dwellings. Tell her you want to discuss your issues openly and try everything to make this work. Separation will only allow her to disengage from your marriage. You have to figure out how to be a team, and you can't do this by separating. 

Tell her this calmly. Do not beg or seem weak. Whatever she says, be strong and confident; that is what is attractive in a spouse.

Do you think she would come here and post her issues? We could offer advice, and it would give you insight into her thoughts so you can address the problems.


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## cloudyforecast (Sep 20, 2011)

Is she already decided in what she feels? Have you delved into why she wants to separate so badly? Does she want to continue counseling while separated or not?


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## sqazm (Sep 3, 2011)

cloudyforecast said:


> Is she already decided in what she feels?


It _really_ feels that way to me. She wants to try separation to see if we really miss each other and not be affected by the other relationship things, such as the problems that arise from living together, the physical part of the relationship, etc. 

My response? "...that's what a relationship _is,_ the learning to live together, the physical relationship, etc." Also, if a person truly wanted to work on a relationship, how would living apart help? 



cloudyforecast said:


> Have you delved into why she wants to separate so badly?


See above. Apparently her friends and a few other people she's talked to think trying separation is a good idea.



cloudyforecast said:


> Does she want to continue counseling while separated or not?


She asked if I did. I told her I didn't see a point. Counseling will not help a person who's heart is not in it, or who's mind is already made up.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

You're right, sqazm. Tell her you want to fight for your marriage. You have too much history together to give it up without trying everything you can.


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## sqazm (Sep 3, 2011)

She was gone for most of the day yesterday. I went running for a while to do some thinking. I had it all planned out, everything I wanted to say. I wanted to say that we should not live separately, as that won't help us work on our relationship. I wanted to say that I am willing to give it my all and work my ass off for us, protect our relationship, fight for it. That I could not do it alone, that if she wasn't willing or her heart wasn't in it, then we needed to be done and move on. 

We ended up talking back and forth through IM while she was at work because I really upset her before she left. I said some of what I wanted to say, but held most of it off until we could talk in person. Among other things, I told her what I needed from our relationship. Alot of it was physical - we've never had that good of a sex life, and even in the beginning it was only once a week. For the past year or so it's been once a month. Last time we had sex was definitely over a month ago. 

Her plan, she said when she got home, was to use the artists' loft she was looking at as her studio for giving vocal lessons and still live in our apartment, and work on our relationship. We talked a little more, and though she says she's a very sexual person (from past experiences she can back this up), she's never really been attracted to me in that way and her love for me has been 'sweeter' as opposed to physical/sexual attraction. She said she loves me like she loves a friend. She said she's worried because she's not sure she can give me everything I told her I needed. 

Lying in bed that night, I told her everything I planned on telling her. But as soon as the words came out of my mouth, something changed. It was like I was listening to myself give a rehearsed speech. The words suddenly seemed empty, like I was only saying them because I wanted to sound like I was doing the right thing. 

I went to sleep more confused than ever, feeling what she's been feeling for the last however long - knowing that I love her, yet unsure what I want. We talked more today and I told her how my thoughts had changed. I told her that because this is new territory for me (never had this long of a relationship before), I wasn't sure if she was just becoming familiar to me and I was used to her and my attraction was different/matured, or if I was just losing romantic and physical attraction to her. 

I told her that through all of this the past few weeks, the times I've enjoyed best are when we stop talking about our relationship and just joke around. I don't know if that means we'd work better as friends, or that a good relationship starts with a good friendship. 

I think I know what direction we're heading, but the finality of it scares me and makes me sad. I don't really know right now.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I do believe in going with your gut, so perhaps a separation would be good to clarify feelings. In my experience, however, a separation just allows people to disengage from the marriage, get a crush on someone else, and learn to live without their spouse.

If you find that you have grown apart and lost that spark of passion, and neither one of you wants to try to rekindle it, then it may be better to end it amicably.


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## sqazm (Sep 3, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> I do believe in going with your gut, so perhaps a separation would be good to clarify feelings. In my experience, however, a separation just allows people to disengage from the marriage, get a crush on someone else, and learn to live without their spouse.
> 
> If you find that you have grown apart and lost that spark of passion, and neither one of you wants to try to rekindle it, then it may be better to end it amicably.


For me, that's true about separation. I don't believe that it will do anything - I don't want to base the success of our relationship on whether or not we miss each other. It's either, we get unified and work towards a successful relationship, or we divorce. 

Really, should it be like this less than a year into marriage? Admittedly, we got married while in the honeymoon phase and while only living together for less than 6 months.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

It shouldn't, and I am of the mindset that people should try everything they can think of before they give up on a marriage. It is hard to say; do you think that you two are not compatible? That you married in the dopamine fog of romance and then discovered that you are not meeting each other's needs?


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## sqazm (Sep 3, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> It shouldn't, and I am of the mindset that people should try everything they can think of before they give up on a marriage. It is hard to say; do you think that you two are not compatible? That you married in the dopamine fog of romance and then discovered that you are not meeting each other's needs?


Yeah basically. We want some of the same things, just are questioning whether or not we want them with each other.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Have you tried reading any relationship books? I like His Needs Her Needs and Love Busters by Willard Harley. The Five Love Languages is also good, and John Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

I also got divorced from my college sweetheart, so your story speaks to me. We were just too young to know how relationships work.


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## sqazm (Sep 3, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> Have you tried reading any relationship books? I like His Needs Her Needs and Love Busters by Willard Harley. The Five Love Languages is also good, and John Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.


Haven't read any of those. I've heard of and am aware of the five love languages. 



lovesherman said:


> I also got divorced from my college sweetheart, so your story speaks to me. We were just too young to know how relationships work.


We asked each other tonight, 'If you had to make a decision today, what would it be?' We both said we'd leave. We agreed that our conflict lies in the fact that we want to honor our commitments because it's what we _should_ do, and it's what is the "right" thing to do, but that our heart is not fully in it. 

Everyone that's commented here and elsewhere though is telling us to exhaust every possible solution first before we give up. This is difficult!

How do you know when to stop trying? How do you know, "we shouldn't drag this any further, let's end it while we can do it on good terms, and not after 15 years of resentment of not working"? Do you just....never really *know*? You just have to make a decision and live with it?


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

lovesherman said:


> You're right, sqazm. Tell her you want to fight for your marriage. You have too much history together to give it up without trying everything you can.


This only works in the movies, in real life it drives the other person away because you are trying to force the other person to do something they don't feel like they want to do.

The best way to handle it is to agree with them. Once they realize you are not fighting them it takes off the pressure and lets them really think about what they want. If you handle yourself well (don’t cry, beg or plead with them) and just tell them if that’s what they really want then wish them well then many time they end up changing their mind. 

In this case it looks like they married too young and may be a bit incompatible. My W and I are different also but we compromise with each other because we need balance. I’m an introvert myself but I force myself to go out with the W because I need to get out of my box. It can work if both people see the merit of the other one's thinking.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Fighting for your marriage doesn't mean being needy or forcing the other person to do anything they don't want to do. It means being strong, letting your spouse know that you value the marriage, that you want to meet each other's needs.

Too many people give up on their marriage when things get tough. All marriages go through difficult spots, and people need to be patient, to communicate their needs and desires, and to know that you can bring the passion back.


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## sqazm (Sep 3, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> Too many people give up on their marriage when things get tough. All marriages go through difficult spots, and people need to be patient, to communicate their needs and desires, and to know that you can bring the passion back.


Thing is, we've talked about what we need. She said she is not sure she can be the person I need her to be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sqazm (Sep 3, 2011)

I just had a really good conversation with my dad, I think a lot of weight has been lifted and I was able to clarify some of my feelings. I know my wife reads this, so that's all I'll say. Will update later.


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## sqazm (Sep 3, 2011)

Everything I was feeling and thinking about our relationship, I realized, was coming from a place of love and caring for her. I believe we could be good and 'happy' together, but would always in the back of our mind wonder what it would be like to be with someone who passionately desires you, and fulfills you. I don't want to be that relationship of resentment for her. It's the toughest "right" decision I've ever had to make. We are in agreement on this, though it's tough. We will be divorcing. 

Bittersweet ending, but I think the right decision in the end.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Best of luck to you. It sounds like it will be amicable.


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