# I'm the secret spender who's been lying



## GuiltyAsCharged (Dec 27, 2010)

So I read quite a few threads about the person in the opposite position of me. The one who has been doing the spending and lying and keeping secrets. My story is not quite as severe as the other threads, but I dont think that the amount lied about makes any difference. It's all the same. A lie. Or many. My husband works out of town often, and during a few months this year while he was doing so I aquired a spending problem. He was making very good money and I spent alot of it. I also paid alot of bills that I couldnt of paid normally, but also somehow managed to create a debt of about $3,000. $2000 of which is in department store credit cards, 800$ on my regular c.c. and 1,000$ on a flipper for a tooth I had to have removed because of trauma. I didnt tell him about any of it. He eventually found out and of coarse was very hurt I had done this. I should also mention that we are both addicts who go through periods of sobriety and periods of using. While I was spending all this money I was using pills, and if you have ever done so yourself you will understand why I was shopping so much. They make you manic and feel the need to spend money. So anyways since November 1st we both got clean again and although he was using up until then also, I was hiding how bad my habit was and came clean about that as well when he found out about the debt. He now cannot trust me which I totally understand and I gave him all my cards. I deserve to feel the way I do for making him feel the way he does now. I feel so horrible about all of this. So horrible. He is such an amazing man I dont know how I ever managed to marry him. We have a child together and Im sure that is why he has not left me over this whole thing. I guess I just dont know where to go from here. Telling him Im sorry doesnt help and I am trying my best to tell him about everything I am doing. He also has since taken over the finances so this can't happen again. He keeps saying he still thinks Im hiding things from him, that Im still lying an I dont know how to convince him I am not. I suppose I will just have to let time show him.

Although I really dont want to hear what the people in my husbands position have to say to me, I need to hear it. Maybe it will help me.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

GuiltyAsCharged said:


> So I read quite a few threads about the person in the opposite position of me. The one who has been doing the spending and lying and keeping secrets. My story is not quite as severe as the other threads, but I dont think that the amount lied about makes any difference. It's all the same. A lie. Or many. My husband works out of town often, and during a few months this year while he was doing so I aquired a spending problem. He was making very good money and I spent alot of it. I also paid alot of bills that I couldnt of paid normally, but also somehow managed to create a debt of about $3,000. $2000 of which is in department store credit cards, 800$ on my regular c.c. and 1,000$ on a flipper for a tooth I had to have removed because of trauma. I didnt tell him about any of it. He eventually found out and of coarse was very hurt I had done this. I should also mention that we are both addicts who go through periods of sobriety and periods of using. While I was spending all this money I was using pills, and if you have ever done so yourself you will understand why I was shopping so much. They make you manic and feel the need to spend money.


Stop. Excuse. Pills don't make you spend money. 

So you already know step one. You need help for you addiction. If you care to share the nature of your addiction, I may have some thoughts for you. I am recovering alcoholic myself, so am not without some knowledge. 

You are likely powerless to do whatever needs to be done until YOU once again control you life rather than the drugs.

So step one, get started on the journey to recovery that extends and lasts.




> So anyways since November 1st we both got clean again and although he was using up until then also, I was hiding how bad my habit was and came clean about that as well when he found out about the debt. He now cannot trust me which I totally understand and I gave him all my cards. I deserve to feel the way I do for making him feel the way he does now. I feel so horrible about all of this. So horrible. He is such an amazing man I dont know how I ever managed to marry him. We have a child together and Im sure that is why he has not left me over this whole thing. I guess I just dont know where to go from here.


So you WERE or ARE hiding how bad your habit is? Which habit the spending or the using? If you are clean, then well holy smokes congratulations! Step one successfully in progress. 

I have a suggestion as to where to go from here. To counseling. For you to help with your sobriety. To demonstrate to him that you are trying to remake yourself as a responsible person whom he can trust. And for both of you to chart the course to rebuilt trust.




> Telling him Im sorry doesnt help and I am trying my best to tell him about everything I am doing. He also has since taken over the finances so this can't happen again.


Super good idea. Jesus was a clever man. He said "lead us not into temptation." Good thinking!



> He keeps saying he still thinks Im hiding things from him, that Im still lying an I dont know how to convince him I am not. I suppose I will just have to let time show him.
> 
> Although I really dont want to hear what the people in my husbands position have to say to me, I need to hear it. Maybe it will help me.


Well perhaps you are going to get slammed. You are taking steps to remedy and amend your past errors and that is courageous and laudable.

I really do think that given the difficult nature of the situation that counseling is in order.

Good luck.


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## GuiltyAsCharged (Dec 27, 2010)

To start off.. I WAS hiding the severity of my drug addiction. AND the spending. I am now not hiding anything anymore although he believes I am. So to answer your question we are both clean and have been for 2 months. I am not making excuses I know well that what I did was cruel, disrespectful and wrong on so many levels and I was not intending to imply that "the drugs made me do it". I was however explaining that using made the problem much more severe than it would have been otherwise. Have you ever used opiates? Prescription pain medications? That is what I was using. And so was my husband, the difference is that I was using mostly behind his back. Let's see here what else did you say....councelling. Yes fully agreed and in the process. I believe a 3rd party need to mediate our next steps to re build trust. 

In summary, I am getting into counceling (couples and personal). We are both clean and he now has control of all of our finances which it in itself is a burden to him because he hates having to do it, but thats the only way it can be. Reading other peoples posts, there was one where a woman had hid some huge amount of credit card debt, and her husband allowed it to happen two more times...I just dont understand how that happened.....why didnt he just take over all the money the first time to make sure she couldnt spend anything, or therefore pay any credit card bills she may try to open..... no matter.


Thank you for replying to my post. I am aware I am going to get slammed, and as long as people reply like you as an adult Im ok with hearing what they have to say. LIke I said I think it may help.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

GuiltyAsCharged said:


> To start off.. I WAS hiding the severity of my drug addiction. AND the spending. I am now not hiding anything anymore although he believes I am.


Rebuilding trust takes time. I know you want him to believe you NOW. I would to. But he needs time.



> Thank you for replying to my post. I am aware I am going to get slammed, and as long as people reply like you as an adult Im ok with hearing what they have to say. LIke I said I think it may help.


Well who knows, maybe you won't get slammed. Sounds like you are taking the necessary steps. I wish you the best.


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