# I'd appreciate some views..



## Simon_B (Feb 15, 2012)

Hi Forum,

I'm sure what i am about to say has been said a million times, but here goes..

i am 33 and my wife is 31, we have been married for 5 years, known each other for 11. No kids. We are australian and moved to London for travel and work experience in 2009.

We both acquired exciting and well paid jobs and generally enjoyed the life that that brings. We shared a house with another couple and i won't deny, we probably neglected our marriage.

Anyway, in September 2010, i noticed a certain emotional detachment from me - sound familar? i blew it off as nothing but i knew something wasn't right.. in October 2010, my wife confronted me, out of the blue, and said that she wanted to move out to test our marriage and to see if she was still in love. I managed to keep her at home and we generally had a good relationship up until xmas that year. 

And then, 2011 - what a sh1t year... my wife became very withdrawn from me and i was sure that she had depression.. crying for no reason etc.. she went, and i agreed, for her to spend 3 weeks with her dad in the USA to rest - i thought that is exactly what it was..

ANYWAY, come August 2011, i managed to get it out of her.. she had cheated on me with a female, a guy, a work colleague and a work acquantaince. 4 people. The work acquaintance turned into an emotional affair although she said that they only slept together once (unprotected too). It turns out that the trip to the USA was basically a "should i run off with this guy like he wants me too" or "should i try to work on the marriage".

Once she told me, because our relationship had been so strained for over a year, i was almost relieved. She also appeared relieved. I told her that i would give her a second chance. I threw away her phone and she generally tried to work on the marriage, she also quit her job due to the bad influences..

ANYWAY, come Xmas 2011, back in Australia, i had accepted a new job and we were moving back.. i again noticed that familiar detachment, she told me that she freaked out about moving back and caught up with this guy again and 'fooled around' -whatever that means and that our marriage was over..

3 day later, i am receiving a heap of text messages saying that she was sorry and that she would do anything to get me back.. i left to fly back to London and she complied to my wishes for staying in Australia to give me space..

So, i have been betrayed... 

my question is, is it possible to still love and care for someone even if you get a divorce? i am positive that she is sorry for what she has done and hearing her cry on the phone still breaks my heart.. am i too soft? respect is a big thing for me and my family... i am only young.. no kids involved... am i crazy? or are these normal thoughts?


----------



## asylumspadez (Jan 17, 2012)

She cheated on you multiple times with multiple people (its never just one time). If she loved you then she would not have done that. You gave her a second chance and she blew it. File for divorce and save yourself from any more heart break.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Your wife cheated with 4 different people that you know of. She left you alone to decide if she wanted to stay with you or run off with her lover. She cheats on you again (yes, "fooled around" means sex) because you were moving.

She has taken the second chance offer and slapped you in the face with it. She is a serial cheater. Her response to difficulty is to go off and have sex with other people. This is who she is. Regardless of what she says now, she will do it again when things get a little tough. No morals, lack of character, liar, deceptive, selfish, not respectful, dishonest - so is this the women you want to spend your life with?

She has no respect for you or your marriage vows. Divorce and be done with her.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You deserve someone who really loves you, and isn't just using you.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

serial cheaters cry crocodile tears


imagine if a friend told you this story, what would you say to him? You'd tell him to dump her and find someone who would respect and love him the way he deserves. Now tell yourself the same thing.


----------



## Simon_B (Feb 15, 2012)

thanks...

but is it possible to still care and love someone but be divorced?

the way i see it, my constitution has been trashed and maybe i can forgive - but forget? especially when there are so many great women around.

i know she is deeply sorry but...... i would never have done this to her... obviously she was struggling with it in her mind but she did it more than once.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You realize you have been living in one sided open marriage where she sleeps with anyone she wants to, and does so easily and without care for you.

It's also been going on for years.

Sir,that ain't a marriage. It's you financing her dating.

Run,run,run.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Simon_B said:


> *am i too soft?* respect is a big thing for me and my family... i am only young.. no kids involved... *am i crazy?* or are these normal thoughts?


yes to both

She has no respect for you hence her serial cheating, nor any love for that matter. Don't waste your life with someone like this, you're just prolonging your heartache.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I agree. There are no children involved. With children involved, your wife will stay in your life as either your wife, or as your ex-wife and kids' mom. But without kids, you can leave this woman behind and never look back.

In some situations, a spouse may deserve a second chance. I can't think of any where a spouse deserves a third chance.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Simon_B said:


> thanks...
> 
> but is it possible to still care and love someone but be divorced?


Of course. You're not declaring you don't love her any more. You're simply declaring that you don't trust her enough to try to build a life together.


----------



## Simon_B (Feb 15, 2012)

she is realising now what she has lost, how i am a great guy, would make her breakfast in bed, stay up until she got home etc..

what hurts the most is that whilst i was waiting up for her, she was having her own sort of fun..

it is really emotionally hard. I am doing ok though, it is actually good me being in London and her back in Australia although i am moving back in April and will need to confront a few things.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

White Knight syndrome. You want to rescue and fix her. Get Out before you have kids. She is someone unfit for marriage. And she is in a destructive phase and will take anyone close down with her. 

And the first time she cheated was an orgy? Come on!!
Pretty sure you don't have the complete truth of the affairs.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Simon,
One strike, two strikes, why are you waiting for a third strike my friend?

Yes, you care for her. But do you really still love her. Your wayward wife cannot possibly know what she wants. She has been lying to you for a few years. 

Does she want you? Another man? Another woman? What the hell?

You have to be confused right now. Especially with all the lying she has hit you with.

Take time, separate and go dark with her. Let her know you need the time to heal away from her.

See how you feel in April.

If you do wish to R, you better get her into a good IC and setup serious ground rules or you are just going to get hurt again.

Do your families know why you guys are living apart right now?

If she loves you she would tell them why and get the help she needs. 

Do not believe her words, judge her on her actions!

Keep posting Simon and good luck.


----------



## Simon_B (Feb 15, 2012)

thanks again all...

yes, our families and friends are aware of what has happened.. basically, she wanted to leave me for another person..

of course, i shouldnt care what other people think but i am only human.. will my family ever truly respect her again? i want my family and friends to respect my wife!


----------



## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

You deserve better, fella. Don't talk to her. Concentrate on yourself. You can't fix her, or even help her.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Simon_B said:


> thanks again all...
> 
> yes, our families and friends are aware of what has happened.. basically, she wanted to leave me for another person..
> 
> of course, i shouldnt care what other people think but i am only human.. will my family ever truly respect her again? i want my family and friends to respect my wife!


Why would they respect her? She has done nothing but vile selfish things. They won't respect you either if you accept her back with her history.

Look, you clear want to believe each incident was a mistake, but in reality they show the core of her is just plain rotten. Are you so desperate for her that you would accept her doing it more? Because you know she will of it again once you take her back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Simon_B said:


> ANYWAY, come August 2011, i managed to get it out of her.. she had cheated on me with a female, a guy, a work colleague and a work acquantaince. 4 people. The work acquaintance turned into an emotional affair although she said that they only slept together once (unprotected too). It turns out that the trip to the USA was basically a *"should i run off with this guy like he wants me too" or "should i try to work on the marriage".*


What it sounds like is that you are the back up plan. Your wife married you, but has continued to be on the look out for someone better. She tries them out, and when they are not better, she comes back to the security of you.

Even when she was caught the first time, she tried it again. So the questions that you need to answer is why you think she wil change, and why do you do not deserve to be your wife's number one choice?


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> I agree. There are no children involved. With children involved, your wife will stay in your life as either your wife, or as your ex-wife and kids' mom. But without kids, you can leave this woman behind and never look back.
> 
> In some situations, a spouse may deserve a second chance. I can't think of any where a spouse deserves a third chance.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


Once or twice its a mistake, but a serial cheating is not a mistake, its disrespect of marriage, disrespect of you as a husband, can you tolerate this one.

She will shed a lot of crocodile tears, cheaters are expert in this drama, dont fall for that.

Do you want to spoil your life in pain and hatred when you have another choice to live your life happily with a faithful loving partner.


----------



## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Simon_B said:


> i want my family and friends to respect my wife!


It's hard when she has worked so thoroughly against earning respect. She will reap what she sows. But that is not a bad thing. If she is to learn and grow from her mistakes she has to realize that her actions hurt others and that they will respond to her out of that hurt. Don't try to stop this, because it gives her a chance to face her wrong behaviour.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Simon_B said:


> thanks again all...
> 
> yes, our families and friends are aware of what has happened.. basically, she wanted to leave me for another person..
> 
> of course, i shouldnt care what other people think but i am only human.. will my family ever truly respect her again? i want my family and friends to respect my wife!




Can you expect your friends and family to respecct her, for them she is a characterless, moral less person without a respect or love for her husband, for them she is only a serial cheater who hurt their loved one. Your friends will laugh on your back when they see you both together and they wont respect you either.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your wife is a child, an infant with no sense of morality or the slightest care for your well being and feelings.

Why on eath would you give away your love so cheaply to this wh*re?

Dump her, divorce her. Find an adult to marry and spend your life with.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> You realize you have been living in one sided open marriage where she sleeps with anyone she wants to, and does so easily and without care for you.
> 
> It's also been going on for years.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
There are many single people out there that have had fewer different sexual partners than your wife has had during your so called marraige. If she were single, her sex life with people other than you would be considered active. In practice, she is not married, only you are.

I am sure that you feel that she is a nice, fun loving person that you enjoy being around, and that gives you great sex. Unfortunately, there are a number of other people that can also make that statement. You are lucky that you found this out before you had children. She has issues that you cannot fix. It is time to move on.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Simon_B said:


> thanks again all...
> 
> yes, our families and friends are aware of what has happened.. basically, she wanted to leave me for another person..
> 
> of course, i shouldnt care what other people think but i am only human.. will my family ever truly respect her again? i want my family and friends to respect my wife!


You aren't seriously going to stay married to her, are you?


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Simon~

I have a great idea. Up until now you've been listening to your wife's WORDS and believing them. Of course, since she cheated on you, you have now found out that some of those WORDS were lies. So you now know that her WORDS are not something you can trust. It is her WORDS that are telling you how sorry she is (accompanied by some crocodile tears). 

IF you have a compassionate heart and decide you want to consider staying with her, that is up to you. But I would suggest that rather than listening to her WORDS (which we now know for a fact she will say what she believes she needs to say in order to get what she wants)...that you listen to her ACTIONS.

Does she ACT like she is sorry? How? Does she ACT like she is willing to work on her issues on her own (clearly she has issues staying faithful!)? Does she ACT like she is taking personal responsibility for what she's done (or does she blame others or circumstances, etc.)? Does she ACT like she is willing to be accountable? 

See, if she is truly sorry, her ACTIONS will match her WORDS, and she will ACT in ways that indicate she is not ready to learn about herself and her own weaknesses and put boundaries in place to protect you from her weakness!! If you are not seeing ACTIONS like that...then her WORDS are just what we know they are: untrue and an attempt to manipulate you to get what she wants. 

Thus, I suggest that you purposely decide to basically do nothing and sit back and watch. Watch her ACTIONS and see if she ACTS like she is sorry. If her WORDS and her ACTIONS match....then it's trustworthy. If she says words but doesn't back them up with actions...then it is NOT trustworthy and is a lie.


----------

