# my wife's past, what do I do?



## anywho89 (Jan 24, 2015)

Hello I have been with my wife for a little over 2 years now been married for 8 months. on the outside we have fun enjoy each others company, push each other in our career paths, but we mainly I have an issue with her past. My wife claims to of had 150-200 partners she isnt even sure if that is accurate. I was aware of this and have been struggling with it since I knew of it. The thing is though is that it haunts me, peering into my mind from time to time n gets me very depressed. Mainly that I have a unit that is below average, and all I can think about is how many huge ones have just well done to her that I can only dream of. she is a sweet gal but this issue doesnt go away and now Im to the point that I resent my wife for her past. what do I do I am so helpless with this I have talked with her several times about it and it never ends well and I end up usually more depressed.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

How old is your wife? That's a lot of guys to go through. Look if you knew this and you married her, don't you think your a bit late? That's your fault for going into a marriage with blinders on.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

150-200 partners? Seriously?

I guess I don't blame you for feeling bad. But not because you think your unit is smaller than her previous lovers. 

I think the real issue is you don't feel like you're "special" to her.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

To add to it, your unit is below average. How big (or small) are you? You may not be in bad shape after all. 

Has she ever complained about sex and/or has she ever appeared bored having sex with you?

And yeah...you shut the barn door after ALL the animals ran out and into the hills.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Why did you marry her knowing this, since it bothers you? That's on you.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

anywho89 said:


> Hello I have been with my wife for a little over 2 years now been married for 8 months. on the outside we have fun enjoy each others company, push each other in our career paths, but we mainly I have an issue with her past. My wife claims to of had 150-200 partners she isnt even sure if that is accurate. I was aware of this and have been struggling with it since I knew of it. The thing is though is that it haunts me, peering into my mind from time to time n gets me very depressed. Mainly that I have a unit that is below average, and all I can think about is how many huge ones have just well done to her that I can only dream of.


OK you need professional help. 


There is nothing neccesarily wrong with your wife,if she is comfortale with her past and her unconditional love for you.
your love for your wife is struggling and so this is your problem
You need to go to a really good conselor to get a handle on first what the hell penis size has to do with a woman who married you and no one else and then to help you deal with your terrors about what your wife did before she met you and decided you were the man above all others that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with and devote herself to,

Focus on her love for you, not you insecurity and fears. She stood up in front of friends and family to say she choose you and committed her life to you. Believe her. Good luck.


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## Pollo (Oct 17, 2014)

I really doubt talking to her about this will help. What do you think that will achieve? Will she say some magical words that will make you forget?
In these situations I think it's best to stop thinking about it and eventually the problem may go away. If you obsess over it, it won't help you at all. How will thinking about it more make you eventually think about it less?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

How does she view herself? You? Your sexuality? Do you think she lies when she tells you she likes sex with you?

You have probably asked how you compare to previous men?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

If she is a warm, kind, generous, loving and faithful wife, then you should stop whining about how many men she slept with before she met you and get down on your hands and knees and thank God All Mighty for your good fortune in having her chosen you to be her husband. And if she ever leaves you, she won't do it because your Johnson is "below average" but because your insecurities make you a below average man.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Here's the deal. AFTER the Wedding isn't the time to get this sorted out, you should have worried about it BEFORE the marriage. What do you expect her to do? It is your problem, and you made it, so either live with it and get over yourself, or give her a divorce so she can be with somebody who will treat her right.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I think he is trying to get help.

OP. 150 - 200 is pretty high. What is your wife's story? Was she ever abused?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> I think he is trying to get help.
> 
> OP. 150 - 200 is pretty high. What is your wife's story? Was she ever abused?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then he should have made this an issue when he started dating her.

Sometimes a virtual whoop a$$ can do wonders in the help department.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Absolutely agree. People shouldn't cheat either but once they have, they still need help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> I think he is trying to get help.
> 
> OP. 150 - 200 is pretty high. What is your wife's story? Was she ever abused?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've given him the best help I can. It's not possible to undo the marriage and start again, so he is going to have to crap or get off the pot. I don't think the exact number is the issue. The issue is his insecurity. Why do people do this to themselves? Didn't anybody THINK before the marriage?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I did a lot of thinking and talking before marriage but the vast majority don't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> I did a lot of thinking and talking before marriage but the vast majority don't.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's like I always said, you have to have training to drive, but anybody can get married.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

anywho,

I have to add my voice to the chorus here: if you don't like it, why on Earth would you marry someone with a past like that.

Good for her for being honest, right?

She probably likes sex a lot. That's good. Does she like to get a lot of male attention?

Why do *you* think she chose to marry you?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I think its a bad idea to talk about past partners to your spouse, especially men, they seem to be more affected by the number of partners their wife has been with. The past is the past, just concentrate on the future


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## anywho89 (Jan 24, 2015)

Thank you all for your response. insecurity is the issue, no I did not expect her to say some magical words just wanted to hear what she had to say about it. no she doesnt complain in bed but I dont rock her world. Your absolutely right about making better choices before the marraige, and divorce does come to mind when confronted with the issue for me. reason being is I dont like sex with my wife, it is not special for me because of her past. also my job occupation is an only male environment and I am around about that number of men we work and have large shower rooms that are just open shower heads. I noticed that I have a smaller unit in fact in comparison it is the smallest or close to it. for the size question im barely over 5 hard granted the internet demographic says that is average but one the consensus is out of date and flawed by my observation in the locker and showers.furthermore when we go out I wonder how many ex lovers or one night stands or someone she had threesomes with walks by us when we are in a moment kissing or holding hands or going out to eat. when she first told me it was straight forward and I had no intentions of marraige after a while I become fond of her and didnt think much of the matter but the caviot to that is as time goes on I think of all day everyday and has robbed me of my romanticism. Im not looking for sympathy I am just at wits end because there is no changing what she did and its ether get over it or get divorced. problem being is I cannot get over it and consumes me feelings for her and the relationship now its to the point where I fake most of the effection and embarassed that I brought this person around my family, that I have put my lips where so many have been and sometimes overwhelmed with disgust for my wife in general. even though she has not personally done me wrong. I do my best to conceal these emotions from her mainly because I have no ill will towards her and want her to be happy. although to what cost to my own happiness, I am reaching out because I trying to figure the best course of action to take.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

How does SHE feel about her "number?" Does she regret it? Does she say it makes her feel bad about herself?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I think you should give your wife the most rapid, amicable, equitable, and low-drama divorce you can possibly manage. I don't care what her number is, she deserves a man who wants her, isn't disgusted by her, and isn't embarrassed to have brought her around his family. That level of contempt isn't something you'll be able to hide from her or from others. It will bleed over into the way you treat her, and probably already has. I don't think the way you feel about her is something that a relationship can recover from.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, there is this technique you can try that can help you and your marriage I suggest you try it. That technique is...communication...


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

anywho89 said:


> no she doesnt complain in bed but *I dont rock her world.*


How do you know that? Your insecurity and not liking sex with her, the disgust of her is more of an issue than her number or your size. You can't rock her world in bed with those thoughts in your head anyway. If you don't think you can completely get over it then it's best to let her go and both find someone more compatible.


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## anywho89 (Jan 24, 2015)

only says she regrets it when we talk about her number but doesnt express it much. she just says it doesnt matter but thanks everyone Im done with this you all are right should not of married. the thought of divorce sounds difficult but end result I wont be with her anymore. my marraige is a joke and I deserve to have a woman bring something to the bedroom that is reserved for me. atleast a much much lower number. what is the best way to go about a divorce?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I think both you and she have every right to your position on this. 

She has every right to have had that history. She says she regrets it now but you haven't explained at all why she has that history or what it is she regrets. Those might be important aspects for you in understanding her side.

On the other hand, you have every right to not want to be with a woman with her history.

Deeper, I think there is some reason this is an issue for you based in not feeling as if you are special to her. If she was doing things which made you feel deeply loved, admired, respected, etc then her sexual history would likely be much less of an issue for you.

Still you have the right to your own feelings on a person's past, just as she has every right to have done what she did. This seems like an incompatibility issue to me, rather than one of you has to be right and the other has to be wrong.

I suggest you seek out some counseling for yourself. It will likely help reduce your distress regardless of the outcome for your marriage. Check out if you have EAP (Employee Assistance Program) at work. It is free and 100% confidential. It is for exactly this kind of acute distress you are in, and if you do continue to D it could be a big help to you.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

anywho89 said:


> only says she regrets it when we talk about her number but doesnt express it much. she just says it doesnt matter but thanks everyone Im done with this you all are right should not of married. the thought of divorce sounds difficult but end result I wont be with her anymore. my marraige is a joke and I deserve to have a woman bring something to the bedroom that is reserved for me. atleast a much much lower number. what is the best way to go about a divorce?


Why do you say your marriage is a joke?

I feel bad for this woman who is basically about to be dumped by the man she married, and thought accepted every part of her, because he thinks she is a ***** .


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## anywho89 (Jan 24, 2015)

I never said that about her, all Im saying is that as time goes on the fact of her past leaves me felling awful. to include insecurity, no self worth, lack of desire, and more. its been a real issue for the past year especially the last 6 months. in this time noticed my energy levels are much lower so is my sex drive, and desire. its to the point where im just depressed been drinking a lot when I have never been a big drinker. and talking about this on here is helping I can see that we are no longer capatable, although it is disheartning. she never says what exactly she regrets just says simply she regrets it with no emphasis on it. her past was just losing her virginity at 12 in a bathroom then around 15 she just let men gang bang her and pretty much had sex with everyone. I have also asked about the particulars of this she is vague and as time goes on under plays it and insults my intellegence by saying that they werent big or good it was nothing etc. now I am just very resentful of the situation. what she did is disgusting and who in there right mind would marry someone like this make a child, I obviously made a huge mistake. yeah this is just solidifing that I need a divorce and should have never married. I messed up bad


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Did she ever have sex for money? 

I can't blame her for not wanting to get into it too much, honestly. She can probably sense your disdain and she knows it will only get worse with more details. I'd guess she feels downright awful about it and herself, but is hoping to be loved anyway.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I feel so sorry for your wife. You knew what you were getting into and married her anyway. I wonder, what reason will you give her for wanting a divorce? 

I'd also like to say that considering her sexual background, I would almost guarantee she was sexually abused as a child.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Okay dude. Her number is high but sounds like she had it pretty rough. Losing her virginity at 12 was more than probably traumatic and might even be considered rape.

Your insecurity is certainly on you. If she was a loyal and loving, I would learn to rock her world and I would hold her always and make her feel safe in my arms.

You said she has a career and encourages you in yours. Do you know how rare that is?

If you are for real, I think you should get help and love your wife. There is a guy on the coping with infidelity thread that married a virgin and she betrayed him ruthlessly and heartlessly. He might have been her first but she cheated on him and destroyed two families.

Is your wife loyal? Then she is worth her weight in fvcking diamonds pal!

Maybe you just need help and better perspective.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Yeah, this why a woman should never reveal her sexual past. Men can't always handle it.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> Okay dude. Her number is high but sounds like she had it pretty rough. Losing her virginity at 12 was more than probably traumatic and might even be considered rape.
> 
> Your insecurity is certainly on you. If she was a loyal and loving, I would learn to rock her world and I would hold her always and make her feel safe in my arms.
> 
> ...


Very well said, Conan.

I'm beginning to think our original poster met his wife as her "client" and now he regrets marrying her. 

Everyone has value and can be redeemed. Even her. Even you.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

anywho89 said:


> Hello I have been with my wife for a little over 2 years now been married for 8 months. on the outside we have fun enjoy each others company, push each other in our career paths, but we mainly I have an issue with her past. My wife claims to of had 150-200 partners she isnt even sure if that is accurate. I was aware of this and have been struggling with it since I knew of it. The thing is though is that it haunts me, peering into my mind from time to time n gets me very depressed. Mainly that I have a unit that is below average, and all I can think about is how many huge ones have just well done to her that I can only dream of. she is a sweet gal but this issue doesnt go away and now Im to the point that I resent my wife for her past. what do I do I am so helpless with this I have talked with her several times about it and it never ends well and I end up usually more depressed.


Your wife's previous sexual experience are really none of your business - you knew about this before marrying her, so why are you letting it haunt you now. She can do nothing to alter her past (and why should she anyway).

I'm a woman in my fifties and have remained single until two years ago. I had lots of lovers - I couldn't begin to count them and it's a pointless exercise anyway. This is my business and nothing to do with my husband - he knows I've had lots of lovers and I know that he has too but it makes no difference to our relationship now. 

Regarding the size of your manhood - I can tell you from experience that size has nothing to do with the amount of pleasure a woman gets from having sex. It's not how big it is that matters, it's what you do with it and what you do with the rest of your bits and bobs to your wife's body that really matters. My husband's is the biggest I've ever come across, but he's not the best lover I've ever had because all he wants to do is stick it in me and ram it hard which gives me very little sexual pleasure or satisfaction. Sex usually is uncomfortable at best or hurts. This is because he takes no time to pleasure me in any way - he concentrates on going straight for PIV way before I'm even turned on, let alone gagging for it. He's made no effort to listen to me when I tell him what I want in bed adn if you were to ask him what I like and what turns me on, he wouldn't be able to answer the question because he doesn't have a clue.

Why not forget your wife's past and concentrate on your future together. Learn to become the best lover she's ever had by asking her what she likes, listening to her and learning to arouse her in ways that blow her mind.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

OP, please do initiate a divorce, and please be kind to each other throughout the proceedings. You have no reason to hate each other, you just need to split up. Remember this as you go through it.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

This is rubbing me all wrong because women's chastity is so highly treasured, for what reason I'm not sure. If a woman has had many sexual partners she is thought less of. If a man has had many sexual partners he is thought more highly of. We see this all over the world down to cultures where women's vaginas are sewn shut so her husband will be the only one who can enter.

If you can't accept this about your wife then you can't. If it cancels out her qualities of being a good person and whatever else made you want to marry her to you then it does. 

I also imagine she has been abused, I don't think 15 year old gang bangs are the norm.

I don't think it insults your intelligence that she's underwhelmed by her sexual past. I have a friend who was promiscuous, she won't discuss it much. She was raped a few months after her father died suddenly when she was 14. She's never had an orgasm from any man. She'd be happy to never have sex again with her dh of 20 years or anyone else. Just because someone has had many sexual partners doesn't mean it was some great fulfilling sex life. And if it was - then it was but I imagine she would have talked about it that way long before you got married and she decided to give that up. 

I've had just a few sexual partners myself and honestly I struggle to not feel hate for all of them. Including my husband. Because sexually I just feel used, not treasured, not an equal, not by anyone that was interested in being a good, kind, attentive lover to me. Not by anyone that cared if I was having orgasms or having my needs met too. One of my partners was quite large. I hate him most of all because he was the most oblivious to me sexually while I was inexperienced and didn't know any better. Then he broke my heart with frequent and sustained infidelity. 

You feel how you feel but there's so much more to life and love and people and relationships than penis size and the sex that happened prior to your relationship.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Oh good, it's settled then. Divorce it is.


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