# Is Moving On Possible??



## SingleInTx (Jan 18, 2013)

How do people do it? I mean, not from XH, I've long since moved on from him. 

I am terrified, blindingly horrified, of the idea of commitment right now- mainly the part that involves getting close to someone who could eventually hurt you (YES, I have so many issues from my marriage- thanks for noticing!  ) 

So I've been seeing the same guy (FWB type deal) for a couple of years now- since right before my divorce was finalized, well over a year after XH and I separated- he is the only person I have slept with since my divorce, met his family, gone out with consistently, spent weekends with, etc- but I am not the only girl that he entertains. I'm aware of this and it's not something that is hurtful to me as this is the arrangement that we have discussed and honed for a couple of years. He is discreet and safe with other women. 

I have recently begun dating on *******, a couple of months ago- I have yet to go on a second date with anyone for various reasons (one was using drugs during the date, one followed me home, a couple were nice enough but there was zero attraction on my part, etc). I am considering going out with one guy again but my little dilemma is that I feel so safe with my guy I see now as our stipulations are laid out so cleanly that there is no way he can hurt me- we are both welcome to do what we want as long as its again, safe & discreet- I am just much pickier, maybe just because I'm a woman or because I have kids, about who I'm going to let into my life and into my bed. 

1) I'm afraid to get involved with someone who might hurt me. Aren't we all? I know, I know- take chances, be selective, no risk no reward...
2) I don't think it would be fair for a new guy if I have a FWB on the side and I would absolutely break it off with him if I were going to even so much as sleep with anyone else- I'm a one-man girl! I know we'd remain friends because FWB started before I was married, stopped when I started dating XH, and resumed post-divorce. 
3) Why does all this have to be so complicated? Does anyone else just want to scream/bang head against wall/relocate to another country at times??

I don't know what I'm asking here... I guess just to know I'm not alone in my confusion and inability to process my feelings since the big D.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Take day at a time. You dont have to make all of your rules ahead of time. Just go with the flow. Its obvious you want the rewards but are afraid of the risks so take it easy and slow. 

There is no harm in dating more than one person up to the point you have agreed to be exclusive. Dating can be a completely innocent attempt to get to know someone without prior expectations. Its not about getting laid. Until it is about sex, spending free time with more than one man is not unusual. 

If I were to date today I would ask a woman if she would like to do a specific activity and see where it goes. I would not expect her to expect more than that. Either further interest develops or it doesnt. If it does go with it. If not, well we are adults. Have a good one. CYA around. Its relaxed. No pressure. 

Simple. Easy. One day at a time. Make the best of it.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

SingleInTx said:


> 3) Why does all this have to be so complicated? Does anyone else just want to scream/bang head against wall/relocate to another country at times??


It's not complicated. If it's complicated it's probably not what you want. The simple matter is that you will eventually meet one person and there won't be all this obsessing over choice and consequences. 

And yes, I intend to spend 5 weeks in Mongolia. I gave up head-banging and took up snowboarding and fencing, if it's gonna hurt I need to have an excuse to be wearing a helmet. :rofl:


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## SingleInTx (Jan 18, 2013)

YupItsMe said:


> Simple. Easy. One day at a time. Make the best of it.


Nice to hear it. Thank you- I am trying!


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## SingleInTx (Jan 18, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> It's not complicated. If it's complicated it's probably not what you want. The simple matter is that you will eventually meet one person and there won't be all this obsessing over choice and consequences.
> 
> And yes, I intend to spend 5 weeks in Mongolia. I gave up head-banging and took up snowboarding and fencing, if it's gonna hurt I need to have an excuse to be wearing a helmet. :rofl:


:smthumbup: Nice!! I've actually just applied for a new passport just in case travel opportunities arise, and have joined Crossfit! Trying to just live the heck out of life and let the rest work itself out. I just get so caught up in my own head sometimes!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

SingleInTx said:


> :smthumbup: Nice!! I've actually just applied for a new passport just in case travel opportunities arise, and have joined Crossfit! Trying to just live the heck out of life and let the rest work itself out. I just get so caught up in my own head sometimes!


Plan a trip somewhere. It's a good way to be forward thinking and nurture that sense of adventure you used to have. It's risk taking where it's safe...the other type will come later, when you're ready to deal with the downside of the dating life.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

SingleInTx said:


> :smthumbup: Nice!! I've actually just applied for a new passport just in case travel opportunities arise, and have joined Crossfit! Trying to just live the heck out of life and let the rest work itself out. I just get so caught up in my own head sometimes!


Plan a trip somewhere. It's a good way to be forward thinking and nurture that sense of adventure you used to have. It's risk taking where it's safe...the other type will come later, when you're ready to deal with the downside of the dating life.

I always have a Plan B and a Plan C that's equally acceptable. And you can mix apples and oranges. That is, Plan B when Plan A is a relationship, doesn't have to be another relationship, it can be something that would be difficult to do if you were in a relationship, takes it off the table for a while, and also makes a better bet for a fun or rewarding experience where only you are in control of the outcome/takeaway value.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

YupItsMe said:


> Take day at a time. You dont have to make all of your rules ahead of time. Just go with the flow. Its obvious you want the rewards but are afraid of the risks so take it easy and slow.
> 
> There is no harm in dating more than one person up to the point you have agreed to be exclusive. Dating can be a completely innocent attempt to get to know someone without prior expectations. Its not about getting laid. Until it is about sex, spending free time with more than one man is not unusual.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
And the fact that you have started going out on dates is a good thing. It shows that you are willing to open yourself up to the possibility of more than a fwb even though you are still scared. You're not alone in that, we all feel it. It is a risk and maybe you will find someone who is worth it.


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## SingleInTx (Jan 18, 2013)

inarut said:


> :iagree:
> And the fact that you have started going out on dates is a good thing. It shows that you are willing to open yourself up to the possibility of more than a fwb even though you are still scared. You're not alone in that, we all feel it. It is a risk and maybe you will find someone who is worth it.


I think so too! It's definitely scary putting myself out there again because I'm almost 100% convinced that I'm going to get hurt again, but I think that's better than not opening myself up to feeling ANYTHING- that's just depressing!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

It can be a really confronting time but it is also a very exciting time.

I had FWB and was also dating others, was having a blast for a while there, no commitments just fun. Then I met the man that I am now in love with, we became exclusive within a couple of months and I have not spoken to FWB since.

I have to say that even though I adore this man, life and relationships after divorce have their own set of problems. I found that when we got serious that hangups from my past came back to haunt me and I am in IC now. 

I agree take it one day at a time, do not plan things out because at this stage in life everyday can be different. Just enjoy your life, if you meet Mr Wonderful then fantastic but if you don't then your life still keeps going and you will have lots of fun anyway.


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