# Husband doesn’t respect my job



## TealDaisy (Feb 17, 2020)

This weekend, my spouse told someone that it really bothers him that he works so much and I just “stay home with our daughter.” If I was a stay at home mom, this still would have really upset me. The thing is- I work full time as a nanny of two toddlers, and get to bring our 3 year old daughter along with me as well. It’s absolutely not an easy job raising three children. I get paid well, but he does make significantly more than I do.

I brought it up with him and told him how it hurt me that he said it, and he just looked at me as if to say “well, it’s true”

I don’t even know how to get past this since he doesn’t think that what he said was wrong.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Wow, how sad poor little baby, working so hard and has to provide for his family. Duh!! What ahole. Tell him to man up. And quit being a sissy.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

TealDaisy said:


> I work full time as a nanny of two toddlers, and get to bring our 3 year old daughter along with me as well. It’s absolutely not an easy job raising three children. I get paid well, but he does make significantly more than I do.


I'd honestly rather scrub toilets than deal with 3 toddlers on a daily basis.

Does Mr. Wonderful realize what daycare costs if you were to get a regular 9-5 job and couldn't take your kid with you? He sounds too stupid to comprehend much of anything, to be honest.

I'm willing to bet that he does *nothing* at home and thinks it's all YOUR responsibility - because he's out in the world bringing home a paycheck while _you're_ apparently living in the lap of luxury with 3 toddlers all day long and doing it for free. He's a special kind of stupid, isn't he?

Maybe it's time to get a job outside of the nanny realm and give this d**k-smack a taste of what it's REALLY like to pay for daycare all day for his kid.


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## TealDaisy (Feb 17, 2020)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I'm willing to bet that he does *nothing* at home and thinks it's all YOUR responsibility - because he's out in the world bringing home a paycheck while _you're_ apparently living in the lap of luxury with 3 toddlers all day long and doing it for free. He's a special kind of stupid, isn't he?
> 
> Maybe it's time to get a job outside of the nanny realm and give this d**k-smack a taste of what it's REALLY like to pay for daycare all day for his kid.


That is exactly how he is. Ugh. Our daughter has severe anaphylactic food allergies, so I am not willing to find a job where I can’t bring her along with me until she can manage them better on her own.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

If he said this in front of you, you were right to call him on it. If you heard about it secondhand, I don't think you should have brought it up w/ him. This has less to do w/ whether his opinion is right or not, but whether he should have to answer to you for expressing an opinion to a third party.


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## TealDaisy (Feb 17, 2020)

SpinyNorman said:


> If he said this in front of you, you were right to call him on it. If you heard about it secondhand, I don't think you should have brought it up w/ him. This has less to do w/ whether his opinion is right or not, but whether he should have to answer to you for expressing an opinion to a third party.


He said it right in front of me


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TealDaisy said:


> He said it right in front of me


I know you said he said it directly to you. But I just want to say....

I disagree that if he said it to someone else and you overheard it, then you should not say anything to him. If a wife (or husband) over hears their spouse bad mouthing them to someone else the wife has a right to confront them. In this situation, it's wrong for a person who bad mouth their spouse to others.

It's called respect which is the very foundation of a good marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TealDaisy said:


> This weekend, my spouse told someone that it really bothers him that he works so much and I just “stay home with our daughter.” If I was a stay at home mom, this still would have really upset me. The thing is- I work full time as a nanny of two toddlers, and get to bring our 3 year old daughter along with me as well. It’s absolutely not an easy job raising three children. I get paid well, but he does make significantly more than I do.
> 
> I brought it up with him and told him how it hurt me that he said it, and he just looked at me as if to say “well, it’s true”
> 
> I don’t even know how to get past this since he doesn’t think that what he said was wrong.


Ok, looking at this....

If you don't mind sharing, what does he do for a living?

What sort of education/training does he have? Any college or trade school? How about you?

Did you work before you had your baby? If so what job did you have?

How old are the two of you?

I'm asking these things because I think that people can help you more if we understand more about why he feels superior to you... besides just disrespect and him being a jerk.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I know this is drastic, but tell your husband on (insert day of your choice), he is calling in sick
or taking a vacation day and coming to work with you. Will your employer allow that?

That your H said that to someone right in front of you is horrifying and embarrassing and highly disrespectful. He needs to gain an appreciation and respect for you AND your job. Real quick.


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## TealDaisy (Feb 17, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Ok, looking at this....
> 
> If you don't mind sharing, what does he do for a living?
> 
> ...


He is a manager, and has a bachelors degree. I completed 3 years of college, but didn’t end up getting my degree. I was also a nanny before I had our daughter. We are in out early 30s.

His mom treats his dad the same way that he has been treating me. She will tell people that if she could go back and have a do-over, she would have never married him. She will even say stuff like that when her husband is standing right by her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TealDaisy said:


> He is a manager, and has a bachelors degree. I completed 3 years of college, but didn’t end up getting my degree. I was also a nanny before I had our daughter. We are in out early 30s.
> 
> His mom treats his dad the same way that he has been treating me. She will tell people that if she could go back and have a do-over, she would have never married him. She will even say stuff like that when her husband is standing right by her.


 The family history helps shed some light on this. Often times a child will emulate the behavior of the parent they feel has the most power. It looks like your husband as taken that path. Putting you down makes him feel stronger, more in control.

How do his parents treat you?

We teach people how to treat us. You need to teach him that this disrespect is not acceptable. So the question is how to do this.

How often do you go out by yourself and your husband take care of your child on his own?


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

SpinyNorman said:


> If he said this in front of you, you were right to call him on it. If you heard about it *secondhand,* I don't think you should have brought it up w/ him. This has less to do w/ whether his opinion is right or not, but whether he should have to answer to you for expressing an opinion to a third party.





EleGirl said:


> I know you said he said it directly to you. But I just want to say....
> 
> I disagree that if he said it to someone else and you *overheard it*, then you should not say anything to him. If a wife (or husband) over hears their spouse bad mouthing them to someone else the wife has a right to confront them. In this situation, it's wrong for a person who bad mouth their spouse to others.
> 
> It's called respect which is the very foundation of a good marriage.


Hearing someone say something, even to someone else, is hearing it firsthand. Being told it was said by someone else is hearing it secondhand. 

I think disagreeing w/ your spouse's career priorities doesn't automatically rise to "bad mouthing" them.


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## TealDaisy (Feb 17, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> The family history helps shed some light on this. Often times a child will emulate the behavior of the parent they feel has the most power. It looks like your husband as taken that path. Putting you down makes him feel stronger, more in control.
> 
> How do his parents treat you?
> 
> ...


His parents are great to me. If any of our issues are ever brought up to his mom though, she of course always takes his side, or blames his bad behavior on him being stressed from work.
I hardly ever leave our daughter alone with him. He just can’t handle it, and gets mad at her very easily. She gets really nervous to be around him. He has an alcohol problem, and she has severe food allergies that he doesn’t take seriously.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TealDaisy said:


> His parents are great to me. If any of our issues are ever brought up to his mom though, she of course always takes his side, or blames his bad behavior on him being stressed from work.
> I hardly ever leave our daughter alone with him. He just can’t handle it, and gets mad at her very easily. She gets really nervous to be around him. He has an alcohol problem, and she has severe food allergies that he doesn’t take seriously.


That's not good. I was going to suggest that you start going out to do things with friend and/or family members a couple of times a week and let her take care of her so that he learns that it's work to take care of a young child.

Since he cannot be trusted to take care of his own daughter, perhaps you could stop doing as much for him at home and put it on him. Do you do his laundry? Stop doing it. Tell him that you are exhausted between your job, taking care of you daughter and her special needs, and doing all the housework. That he needs to start taking responsibility. If he were single, he would be doing all teh cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundry, etc. His responsibilities do not go away just because he is married.

One easy thing to do is to stop doing his laundry. He's a big boy and can run a washing machine. I taught my kids how to do their own launder, to include their cloths, their towels and bed linen when they were 10 years old. I told my husband that he too could do his own laundry. I was working full time. From that time on I only took care of my own laundry.

There are other things that you can slowly get him to do... like some of the grocery shopping, cooks meals a few times a week, etc.

The more he takes responsibility, closer to 50%, the more he will respect the thing you do.

Do you know what good child care costs where you live? If you had a better paid job, could you two afford child care and someone to clean house at least once a week? I'm not suggesting you do this but instead coming up with what you contribute financially.

Has he ever complained to you that he wants you to get a job that pays more?

For example, if child care for a toddler cost $300 a week, that's $15,600 for a year (52 weeks). House cleaning at $160 a week is $8,320 per year. That's $23,920. Add to that an increase for food. Say your food budget goes up about 25% because you'd most likely be eating or doing takeout more.

What you could do it have a talk with him. Tell him that he clearly has no respect for you, the work you do to maintain the home, take care of your child and your job. This greatly disturbs you because you do a lot and it's work, real work.. hard work. So you think that you should get another job as you will not put up with that kind of disrespect. Lay out to him that you getting another job will cost you both between $23,920 and $30,000 because you will need to pay for child care, house cleaning and your food bill will go up. If he says that you won't need someone to clear your house, tell him that yes you will. Since he cannot help around the house because he is working full time, you surely will not be able to do all the house work and cooking either.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I agree with @EleGirl. The irony you want to avoid is to spend more monye than you are actually earning in roder to keep a job. Two friends of ours who have 2 teenage boys mentioned that in total they spent more $120K for day care. And I can imagine the stress since daycare personnel aren't, understandably, evening babysitters. It's too bad your husband doesn't see the value in the work arrnagement that you've made.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, let me say this. My wife is a SAHM and has been since just before my son was born.
Her job is/was FAR more important than mine. Her job was to take care of the most precious person (other than HER) to me. SHE had to raise him/guide him EVERY DAY and be there is ways I could NOT be since I was working.
I think that particular job is WAY more difficult than most jobs on the planet and WAY more important to the future of our society.

Yes, MY job was important really for ONE THING -- it supports my family so that we can live our lives. Yes, it is stressful, YES it has really hard things to deal with, YES I would get caught up in it sometimes, but HER job is also stressful, ALSO has really hard things to deal with and has WAY more of an impact in life than mine does.

Your husband needs to re-evaluate your job and it's repercussions if you got it wrong. You would unleash 3 hellions on to society. 
Maybe if he tried your job for only a WEEKEND -- BY HIMSELF, NOT allowed to get angry and "pass" them back to you to take care of, he may have his eyes opened.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TealDaisy said:


> He is a manager, and has a bachelors degree. I completed 3 years of college, but didn’t end up getting my degree. I was also a nanny before I had our daughter. We are in out early 30s.
> 
> His mom treats his dad the same way that he has been treating me. She will tell people that if she could go back and have a do-over, she would have never married him. She will even say stuff like that when her husband is standing right by her.


So he watches other people work? Oh, wow. Yeah. He's a real winner, right there.

You are a heroine to me. But not to your husband. 

Based on what you said above, he is a mother's boy taught to disrespect his spouse.

He needs some deep therapy to sort out his attitude toward you, your daughter and his father. His mother has messed him up.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

TealDaisy said:


> This weekend, my spouse told someone that it really bothers him that he works so much and I just “stay home with our daughter.” If I was a stay at home mom, this still would have really upset me. The thing is- I work full time as a nanny of two toddlers, and get to bring our 3 year old daughter along with me as well. It’s absolutely not an easy job raising three children. I get paid well, but he does make significantly more than I do.
> 
> I brought it up with him and told him how it hurt me that he said it, and he just looked at me as if to say “well, it’s true”
> 
> I don’t even know how to get past this since he doesn’t think that what he said was wrong.


This sounds like one of these men vs. Women issues.
It would help if I knew your belief system.
Some women complain about men's job or ambition or salary as if it isn't good enough. His job is to take care of you. If he doesn't earn enough then he is not worth dating. His job is his value. Hypergamy.
What the woman earns is irrelivant...a man is not allowed to care.
If you are one of those women then tough...you deserve shade thrown at your income and time off.
If you just care about love and family and that you are all together then I may feel more sympathetic to you.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

hinterdir said:


> This sounds like one of these men vs. Women issues.
> It would help if I knew your belief system.
> Some women complain about men's job or ambition or salary as if it isn't good enough. His job is to take care of you. If he doesn't earn enough then he is not worth dating. His job is his value. Hypergamy.
> What the woman earns is irrelivant...a man is not allowed to care.
> ...


no idea what you just said here and how is this relevant to the original poster.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

WandaJ said:


> no idea what you just said here and how is this relevant to the original poster.


I do not know her belief system.
If she is a hypergamist who'd turn on this guy at the drop of a hat if he started earning less money or leave him if he lost his job....then I don't care about her job respect issue.
If she just loves him for him...no matter what his job is then I have her back.
Understand that?
If not....I do not care....just go away.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

hinterdir said:


> I do not know her belief system.
> If she is a hypergamist who'd turn on this guy at the drop of a hat if he started earning less money or leave him if he lost his job....then I don't care about her job respect issue.
> If she just loves him for him...no matter what his job is then I have her back.
> Understand that?
> If not....I do not care....just go away.


how is this related to how he treats and respects her?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> how is this related to how he treats and respects her?


It isn’t related, this is how derails start.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I would rather stick needles in my eyes than be home with THREE toddlers all day, every day. Omg.

Tell your jerk husband to swap with you for a day, he wouldn't last til lunchtime.


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## TealDaisy (Feb 17, 2020)

hinterdir said:


> I do not know her belief system.
> If she is a hypergamist who'd turn on this guy at the drop of a hat if he started earning less money or leave him if he lost his job....then I don't care about her job respect issue.
> If she just loves him for him...no matter what his job is then I have her back.
> Understand that?
> If not....I do not care....just go away.


I have never cared how much he makes. I still pay half the bills even though he makes way more than I do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TealDaisy said:


> I have never cared how much he makes. I still pay half the bills even though he makes way more than I do.


This is an unfair situation really. You should pay a percentage equal to your percentage of join income.


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## TealDaisy (Feb 17, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> This is an unfair situation really. You should pay a percentage equal to your percentage of join income.


I agree, but unfortunately I doubt it will ever change.


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