# Wife is back at hospital



## EDCIJB (May 10, 2012)

My wife admitted herself back to the mental health wing of our nearby hospital.Before she went she was feeling dizzy. She told me she this weekend that she was feeling anxious about our 2 year old going back to daycare and also about our relationship. She has made some great strides within in the past month. She has started back exercising and using her sleep mask (CPAP). The house is a whole lot cleaner than it has been.There are no longer dishes piled up in the sink and dirty laundry everywhere. I was about to my breaking point earlier this year due to not having hardly any help from her at all especially since I have a job and she is a stay at home mom. I don't know if she has pushed herself too hard or what. Her actions for most of the year have left me frustrated, disgusted, and has made our relationshio very awkward. This is the second time this year that she has admitted herself to this hospital so she does know that she needs help. I just don't know if there is much of a future to look forward to with her or not. If it wasn't for our 2 year old I think the decision would be easier. It gets tiring thinking that maybe things are finally how they should be and then it is back to having her to regroup and start all over again.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I'm sorry you're going through this. Is she on medication? Maybe she just needs a medication adjustment. 

I'm a firm believer there are people who need mental health and suffer from depression etc. I also believe medication and therapy can be helpful. However, I'm also a firm believer that people need to try and help themselves as well. 

I had a family member who suffered from depression. She had a family as well, a husband and two kids. Every time they would turn around she was re-admitting herself into the hospital. According to her doctors her meds seemed to be working etc. IMO I think she just did that to get away or escape things at home that she didn't want to deal with. She didn't try, she relied on meds to make her feel better. It doesn't work that way. The bad thing was every time she checked herself into a hospital, her husband was the one who always had to tend to the kids, work, and dealing with everyday life, while she got to be in a hospital basically not doing what needed to be done at home or in her life in genral etc. 

I hope your wife isn't like that. She runs back to the hospital every time she doesn't know how to deal with something going on. Hospitals can be good and helpful but they can also become a dependance for some people with mental illness who simply do not want to try.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

The hospital won't keep her any longer than she really needs to be there. The important thing is that she is capable of getting herself to help when she needs it. Maybe she can think about other ways to cope when she feels something coming on, but right now she feels safe going to the hospital. It does take a while to learn to trust yourself when it comes to self-care. She will get there, but I wouldn't knock her down for going to the hospital. I drove myself to a hospital when I was crashing and burning so to speak under the pressure of allergies and extreme stress due to finding boyfriend in a coma and being sleep-deprived and dust mites in the icu waiting room and boyfriend's crazy-making family...I got a lodge room and a sublingual sedative, and a bag dinner, which is exactly what I asked for. But I went to a VA hospital where that sort of service is possible, for your wife it might be hospital admit or home, with nowhere in between to take a break from it all. It's just the way the system is set up...I think you are weighting one hospital stay as much as any other, which is likely not the way to look at something like this. As she drove herself there when needed, she will drive herself back when she's done with whatever she needed there.


----------



## EDCIJB (May 10, 2012)

There is a part of me that thinks that this is almost like a vaction from the everyday life stuff. I am the one that has to take care of our 2 year old, our pets, and stuff around the house when this does happen.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

EDCIJB said:


> There is a part of me that thinks that this is almost like a vaction from the everyday life stuff. I am the one that has to take care of our 2 year old, our pets, and stuff around the house when this does happen.


If she was diabetic or had cancer it would be the same way. If people are mentally ill and need treatment, sure it's inconvenient, but it's not as though they feel they have a choice. And trust me, it's not easy to get admitted to a psych hospital. There are criteria. And the bar is set pretty high because there is a huge shortage of beds. Even when I was crashing and burning they would not let me in. I got my own lodge room. Another time I got eval'd and even though I was so far gone I was tested for street drugs and was feeling paranoid and very very anxious, the woman who screened me said I was too rational, that she believed me that my symptoms were likely caused by a medical illness rather than mental illness (we were both right) and that despite my symptoms, I wasn't actually meeting the criteria for admission. It's like you need a sledgehammer to get into those places. Insurance companies hate paying for those stays as they are expensive, so only people who are going to get approved services and can benefit from admission get in the door. I worked in a psych hospital too, and often did my computer queries near the admission interview unit. Sometimes people were just sitting around waiting to talk to someone before being sent home. If someone was going to get admitted, often they needed to call in a second opinion. Sometimes voluntary admits were turned away.

Being in a hospital is no piece of cake. The food sucks and if you're on a psych unit there are other patients, including your nutso roommate and the creepy guy who isn't watched often enough and walks into your room and grabs his nuts while talking to you, then there are the condescending nurses who come into your room in the morning when you have been waiting patiently for access to the shower in the hallway since you know they are busy with stuff and they ask you if you might like to clean yourself up, as though you are some filthy person who was going to stay in the hospital jammies all day and not even brush your teeth, all because you weren't bugging them for the shower, in order to be polite. Oh ya, the psych unit is just a real vacation, let me tell you! Even the blood draw people are afraid of you. All they know is you're in for psych eval, they don't know you're a mom, or anything like that. They think you might grab their needle and jab them, etc. It is not a vacation. It is a place to get re-centered and it comes at a great cost in terms of personal energy, in putting up with all the cons to get at the treatment that you might need. Then there is the worry that you might not get out, even though you got in, getting in comes with the worry that there is something you don't know about yourself, that the treatment team knows, that got you back in. Going to the hospital for psych care is not an easy task or for the faint of heart. If you're a mom, you worry that social services is going to take away your kid, all because you wanted to get some treatment and do what was right. :-(


----------



## letstalkbaby (Aug 8, 2012)

When you speak to her about it are you sensitive and compassionate. I can understand your frustration, but a word that you used "disgusted" is a strong word and quite demeaning. I should know because my bf has used it with me before and it is very hurtful. It seems to me like she has lost a lot of hope and you are doing your best to hold down the fort. I believe she has a lot of deep pain. The question is where it came from? Do you have any idea of her family support? If she has any or not? She sounds like she needs some definate support. Do you have family support? It must be hard feeling as if you are doing this all on your own. Perhaps it was better she went to the hospital to prevent her emotional state from getting worse. So what led up to her going to the hospital? Did she have an argument beforehand with anyone? 
From being in my situation and working with families I realizing all families have problems. You are a good guy for sticking it out. Just giving you some things to think about.


----------



## letstalkbaby (Aug 8, 2012)

"She told me she this weekend that she was feeling anxious about our 2 year old going back to daycare and also about our relationship." 
Maybe you should start here and find out how she feels inside without being judgemental and just listen. Even if you need time to think of what you would like to say so you don't speak in haste with her.


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

If she has a good therapist, who is helping her learn to deal with everyday life, helps her learn new coping skills when shes depressed or upset, and her medication(s) are working properly, she may not feel the need to continue to go back to the hospital.

I agree with Callalily in the sense that there are SOME people who do like to run back to a place of isloation from families and friends, because they either 1.) do not know how to deal, or haven't learned yet how to deal with life, or 2.) they simply want to escape having to take responsibility for things etc. 

Is she receiving good treatment from her therapist? Or does he just do a medication adjustment and turn her back out with no real coping skills?


----------



## EDCIJB (May 10, 2012)

They are putting her on some new medication and trying to keep her there long enough to see if it is working. Most or her support and help comes from my side of the family. She did thank me this past weekend for being compassionate. I know that she doesn't want to be like this. I really thought she was on the track to doing well. I think that when our child went to daycare and she was all alone at home it just hit her.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

EDCIJB said:


> I think that when our child went to daycare and she was all alone at home it just hit her.


I totally understand that. However, thats where coping skills come into play. Hopefully she is learning that in therapy. If not, she will likely end up back at the hospital at some point.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Going to the hospital is what she felt safe doing. It's a way of her learning that she can trust herself to do what it takes to stay sane. The hospital is being careful with new meds, as they should be when there is a child involved, for safety reasons I'm sure. The good thing is your child is in day care, so you don't have to scramble in order to work. Give it time, she'll be back, and she'll have a plan for adjusting. The silence probably got to her.


----------



## EDCIJB (May 10, 2012)

Wife got to come home late Monday. She has new medicines to take. She is always tired so she goes to bed about 2 hours after I get home. This leaves little time for us to be together. Not trying to be impatient but hope one day things will get better.


----------



## venuslove (Apr 16, 2012)

I wish my husand would go to the hospital. He is always talking about killing himself and then driving off. I have to worry about him then. He jut started meds and then stopped taking them. I have a one year old and hd take care of everything from the time he was born until now. It sucks!! I feel like a single parent and I am trying really hard to not resent him, but I do. He also lies though and it has broken our trust. I hope that you hang in there and get some relief yourself. I am going to ry and find a gsupport group for spouses with depression arund here. SOunds lame I know, but it probably will help.


----------



## EDCIJB (May 10, 2012)

I am trying to be patient but it does get to be frustrating. For the past week she has gone to bed around 8 pm. Last night she went to bed at 6:45 pm. She is either just tired or her medications are making her this way. We basically have no time to spend with each other when i get home. I keep asking myself what was I thinking before we got married. I guess I was blinded by love but this in no way to have to live. I feel like I have a lot to offer someone and don't want to wake up one day kicking myself. If she could just get better.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

EDCIJB said:


> If she could just get better.


I'm so sorry you're going through this! I know you want her to get better, and I'm sure its frustrating to live like this, its pretty unfair. I wish I knew what to tell you!


----------



## EDCIJB (May 10, 2012)

*Re: Wife is not doing well after trip to hospital*

She went to her first group therapy session yesterday. They came close to readmitting her back to the hospital because she is still having bad thoughts about doing harm to herself. She said that part of the problem is she does not know if I love her anymore. Her behavior this past year has drawn us apart to the point that i probably just feel more sorry for her than anything.


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

What has she been diagnosed with?


----------



## EDCIJB (May 10, 2012)

She has depression and PTSD from the military.


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

EDCIJB said:


> She has depression and PTSD from the military.


Ok, for some reason when I read about her having thoughts of harming herself, I thought of BPD, but I guess that might be common in people with PTSD as well.


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

*Re: Wife is not doing well after trip to hospital*



EDCIJB said:


> She is still having bad thoughts about doing harm to herself.


EDCIJB, do you mean she is suicidal? Has she done cutting (with razor blades) in the past?


----------



## EDCIJB (May 10, 2012)

She has suicidal ideations. She has never actually tried anything such as cutting since I have been with her.


----------



## EDCIJB (May 10, 2012)

She had a panic attack yesterday while I was gone to work. She will be able to maybe talk about this with her group therapy today.


----------

