# What is a fair fight?



## daddio (Dec 26, 2009)

When I do something to make my wife mad, she freezes me out. She will not talk to me, or tell me what is wrong, or discuss things. It really pushes all my buttons, and makes me very upset. I think this is very unfair, but I cannot get her to change. Any advice?


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## MrP.Bodybig (Jul 21, 2009)

PREACH!!!!! I know the feeling. That's how a lot of our fights start. Just do as I, and try to figure out what you did before you ask what's wrong. That way you'll know how to approach that block of ice on her shoulder. Oh yeah even if you didn't do something wrong in your eyes it was wrong in hers.


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## daddio (Dec 26, 2009)

I know what I did wrong and want to talk about it with her, but she won't. So things fester. i just dont think this is very fair. How can we resolve things when i am the one doing all the talking?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

My H used to give me the silent treatment, too. really drove me nuts. i tried everything. i tried talking, screaming, printing off articles, books, but basically, i dont think any of those things really worked. I think it did help him to read the article and see that not talking to me was a form of emotional abuse. Even my counselor told him, to his face, that shutting off on me was abusive. But he still did/does it anyway.

So my counselor told me about boundaries. after reading some articles online I realized that i was going to have to stop sharing things with him that ended up with me getting hurt. that was the bottom line. i was going to have to emotionally pull away. it was hard and i really resented him at first. 

But after working on our boundaries a little more together, and me emotionally backing off a lot, he gradually came out of his shell. not a lot, though. and i had/have to constantly monitor how im feeling; if im starting to feel ansy, frustrated, or annoyed, then i know ive shared too much and i have to back off. One thing that really helped us both was that i would tell him that i had something really important to me that i wanted to talk about and i would ask him if he felt he could respond. i would also put a time limit on the conversation. If he said he couldnt respond, then i would try and respect his boundaries and back off. 

it is sad, and it does feel like you're losing love, but there's another side of it, too- respecting and loving your spouse. part of what i am learning is that although i want to feel loved, i need to also love my H, and that means respecting that he communicates differently and has his own boundaries. Meaning, there are things your wife doesnt want to talk about and as hard and frustrating as it is for you, part of loving her means respecting that she doesnt want to talk about it and back off. 

There is a point where you can emotionally withdrawal too far and you'll wander away. But there are a lot of factors that play into that happening, and not all of them are in your control. You'll have to try and back off, but also work on your boundaries and communication, and see if things dont improve. 

It takes years, though. so be patient. its a complicated equation.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Totally depends. If you keep doing the same thing - again and again - then "talking" about it is kind of pointless. 

See your problem is you screw up and then you want to be able to get instant forgiveness just by saying sorry. Why should it work that way? The way we do this is simple. Someone screws up there is proportionality. Small screwup is settled in an hour or two. A big one might take a couple days of space. 

What do YOU do when SHE screws up? And if that almost never happens either you have a maturity issue or you are letting her bully you - meaning you are begging forgiveness even when SHE is in the wrong. If that is happening you have much bigger problems because most women KNOW when they are wrong and don't respect a man who won't stand up to them. 

Lack of respect leads to loss of sexual desire leads to loss of love leads to loss of desire to stay married.....





daddio said:


> I know what I did wrong and want to talk about it with her, but she won't. So things fester. i just dont think this is very fair. How can we resolve things when i am the one doing all the talking?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

> When I do something to make my wife mad...


Your opener is itself a loaded statement. You notably don't say 'When I do something wrong'.

So she clearly makes you aware that you have angered or disappointed her and expects you to badger her for forgiveness, while she ignores you.

If you want results you need to change the expectation.

If you screwed up, own it. Verbally acknowledge that you recognize your mistake, apologize, and be done. Event over. Unless ... she has something she wants to say to you. But ... her saying it, is up to her. Don't fish for it. Don't plead with her to respond to you. You already did what you need to do; move on. Walk away. 

Are you familiar with the term, mirroring?


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

I'm guilty of that myself, I don't know why, I gave the silent treatment to people even when I was a kid. Don't mean to be that way, though.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would ask a counselor, or at least research on the web how to address it. You need a professional answer.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

It is a form of stonewalling. Most people, I think, do it without realizing it. Something learned in childhood maybe...a way to cope with situations outside of their control. The other minority use it as a form of manipulation. They shut off all physical, emotional, and mental contact as a way to "punish" you for whatever you've done. 

Blanca is right. You have to set some clear boundaries, and don't feed into that childish behavior. Also, work on yourself. Make sure you are responding to her in appropriate ways, and do not react in anger towards her.


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