# Husband insecure about the way I dress



## tiredandout

As a background, we have been married for 3 years and this is the first time this is an issue. 

H told me a few days ago that he finds the way I dress uncomfortable. In my opinion I am by no means dressing in any ****ty way. I generally wear skirts or dresses that are 2-4 inches above the knee, with tights and some knitted shirt or sweater, a couple of them have a v-neck but mostly high cut. I have always dressed like this. But in the past 6-12 months I have started to wear more brighter colours and in some ways more .. flashy clothes. I don't wear make up. My husband finds issue with my appearance being too "sexy" and "attention seeking" — primarily because he noticed that men look at me on the street when I'm wearing a shorter skirt. 

Fact is, I'm hot. I don't dress for other men's attention, I dress because I like clothes and dressing nicely. We have now talked a lot and very deeply about this. My husband doesn't care about dressing nicely and thinks a bit less of people who do, that it is superficial and a negative trait in a person. He also thinks I shouldn't be inviting outside attention to our marriage, which is what he sees me dressing in clothes that he finds to be too revealing. I have had self-esteem and body-image issues before. I am finally well set in my body and like the way I look. I like pretty clothes, don't spend too much money on them, just like to wear things that give me a confidence boost and colours that keep me in happy spirits.

I am having deeper feelings of uncomfortableness with the issue that my husband looks down upon people who pay attention to their looks. I started to feel pressured to not only dress less sexy but also dress less like me. He dresses just naturally, sometimes sloppily, but I have never said that I felt embarassed to go to the theater or a concert with him eventhough he just wears baggy clothes and doesn't even own a suit.

My point: I feel judged because of the way I like to dress. 
So: Ignore husband and dress how I like? Accommodate husband and dress in some ways less flashy/revealing? Forget about clothes and paying so much attention to what I look like, and go find satisfaction and get into new hobbies? What?

Men, both confident and terribly insecure or anything in between, what is your opinion?


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## Hope1964

I am wondering if there isn't more going on than just the way you dress.


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## dormant

This is interesting because, I keep trying to get my wife to stop wearing shirts where the neckline is all the way to her neck.


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## Dad&Hubby

I LOVE when my wife dresses how you describe. She's SMOKING. I call her my naughty librarian when she's wearing more of a blouse and her glasses.

The issue isn't what do you do in regards to listen to hubby or not, it's why the change in him. Coming from a husband who had a bought of insecurity because of a slow change in my marriage (very minor for what we usually read on this board but still LOL). I can tell you that a change in insecurity is usually linked to something else. He may not feel very connected with you (that was my issue). There could be something on his end where he is transferring. But you need to talk to him. Don't treat the symptom, treat the problem.


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## hubbyfetish

My wife is hot and she knows it. She dresses similar to the way you do. It does not bother me that it attracts attention from other guys and even the ladies. It makes her feel good, makes her feel confident...is there anything wrong with it - not one bit.

If she choose to dress move conservative, I would support her in that as well. I can't deny that I would be like dormant and encourage her to "show some more skin"!!

What makes her happy makes me happy!


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## thunderstruck

Hope1964 said:


> I am wondering if there isn't more going on than just the way you dress.


Yeah, that. My W has always worn clothes that will make guys look. It didn't bother me until the marriage started going to shyte.


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## wiigirl

Hope1964 said:


> I am wondering if there isn't more going on than just the way you dress.


I would say this....but not nessasarily anything directly wrong.








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pault

How does he dress? Is he making the most of his appearance?
How long has this attitude to your dress style being going on? Have you started to dress in more attention attractive clothes more recently, if so he may be feeling very insecure or he may be noticing other women dressing like you and he gives them substansive looks and is worreid other guys will ogle as maybe he does.

From a male point (me only) I like my wife to dress to impress but yep I draw the line when the cleavage is is prominent or the clothes she wears are revealing. there again she does not and has not worn skirts / dresses ever which were more than 2 inches above the knee but she has had a top which I did once say Nope not that low....

Talk to him about it. If feel he more insecure than a believer that dressing up is for people who love themselvea to much


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## tiredandout

> I am wondering if there isn't more going on than just the way you dress.


Yes. 

There is. And we are both aware of it at this point too. We have had problems, he has felt ignored and that I have been emotionally distant. I have. I guess because I started to feel too pressured and stressed with the demands of my H and my career, and disappointed with the fact that my husband kept refusing to take responsibility for our communication problems. I am too scared to talk about my feelings assertively, he talks about his too aggressively and attackingly for me. A lot of blaming, a lot of invalidation has taken place.

In essence, a whole bundle of mess.

What I take from this thread is that it's true, I should just concentrate on the deeper issues at hand and forget about mulling over the clothing issue. For a while I should probably keep the "sexiness" toned down, just to show DH that I have heard his feelings — but besides that still dress how I like, to show him that I will not change my whole style for him. But try not to concentrate on it. Keep dealing with the bigger picture, how our feelings have gotten hurt and educating each other about how we would like things to be. And see if we can make that happen.

I wish my husband thought like this:


> My wife is hot and she knows it. She dresses similar to the way you do. It does not bother me that it attracts attention from other guys and even the ladies. It makes her feel good, makes her feel confident...is there anything wrong with it - not one bit.


But for now I think I'll have to shelf that wish and just try to fix the bigger mess here.

I guess I just got caught up with it because it is in some way pretty important to me, as dressing nicely makes me feel nice. But I should also be able to live without wearing my "sexy" skirts for a short period of time, if that helps to bring the focus back to fixing the underlying, fundamental issues in our relationship.

This was a necessary post to make and I thank you for the responses. It helps me to see this as a smaller part, a byproduct of the bigger problem, rather than another big issue to tackle and deal with. Shifting my focus off from my hemline to how to fix what is really bothering him (and me) will be more constructive. Thank you!


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## 40isthenew20

I tell my wife all time time to wear more revealing clothing and enjoy what she has. I have no issue with it at all but have not had to experience it much because she dresses very conservative. 

A man should be proud if his wife has the confidence to wear sexy outfits.


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## Hope1964

tiredandout said:


> Yes.
> 
> There is. And we are both aware of it at this point too. We have had problems, he has felt ignored and that I have been emotionally distant. I have. I guess because I started to feel too pressured and stressed with the demands of my H and my career, and disappointed with the fact that my husband kept refusing to take responsibility for our communication problems. I am too scared to talk about my feelings assertively, he talks about his too aggressively and attackingly for me. A lot of blaming, a lot of invalidation has taken place.
> 
> In essence, a whole bundle of mess.
> 
> What I take from this thread is that it's true, I should just concentrate on the deeper issues at hand and forget about mulling over the clothing issue. For a while I should probably keep the "sexiness" toned down, just to show DH that I have heard his feelings — but besides that still dress how I like, to show him that I will not change my whole style for him. But try not to concentrate on it. Keep dealing with the bigger picture, how our feelings have gotten hurt and educating each other about how we would like things to be. And see if we can make that happen.
> 
> I wish my husband thought like this:
> 
> But for now I think I'll have to shelf that wish and just try to fix the bigger mess here.
> 
> I guess I just got caught up with it because it is in some way pretty important to me, as dressing nicely makes me feel nice. But I should also be able to live without wearing my "sexy" skirts for a short period of time, if that helps to bring the focus back to fixing the underlying, fundamental issues in our relationship.
> 
> This was a necessary post to make and I thank you for the responses. It helps me to see this as a smaller part, a byproduct of the bigger problem, rather than another big issue to tackle and deal with. Shifting my focus off from my hemline to how to fix what is really bothering him (and me) will be more constructive. Thank you!


What an awesome post. :smthumbup: If you want some relationship building book recommendations, have a look at the link in my sig to My Story and scroll down to the end of the post, there are a couple there. I also just bought His Needs Her Needs and the workbook to go with it - it's been recommended on here a lot but I don't know if it's any good yet.


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## Toffer

Hope1964 said:


> What an awesome post. :smthumbup: If you want some relationship building book recommendations, have a look at the link in my sig to My Story and scroll down to the end of the post, there are a couple there. I also just bought His Needs Her Needs and the workbook to go with it - it's been recommended on here a lot but I don't know if it's any good yet.


:iagree:


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## jaquen

tiredandout said:


> Fact is, I'm hot.


And modest to boot!

:smthumbup:


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## earlyforties

tiredandout said:


> ...I generally wear skirts or dresses that are 2-4 inches above the knee...
> 
> Fact is, I'm hot.


Not sure why but I'm looking for an age. You're gonna struggle to pull off the look if you're 60+


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## chillymorn

fact is you are insecure in your personality and all you got is your looks.

dressing like that is for attrcating the oppisite sex. and if your married then you should tone it down some for the man you love.

I always find it amussing when some women is dressed provatively and then get pi$$y when she gets unwanted attention. news flash don't advertise if your not in the market.


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## RandomDude

I love it when my wife dresses up and looks her best, I don't really see the problem, but all men are different
Then again I'm a bit of an exhibitionist lol 

My wife gets looks all the time, and she tells me EVERYTHING about it including their attempted flirts which I find quite funny - and even funnier still - what she says back to them :rofl:

I don't tell her my stories however, I don't trust that she can remain calm enough - most of the time she'll end up wanting to take their heads off!!! She calls the women hitting on me "harpies" swooping down on her man.


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## bribrius

My wife dresses classy conservative. Zero revealing more like a church girl. Usually long dresses. I kind of like it. And she is beautiful anyway so she makes me look good (and respectable).

But i posted before, that i kind of look at her as representing me. so i want her to look respectable. she is like the family liason.

The goods she is hiding under there (not that you cant tell anyway by seeing the curves) is for my eyes only.


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## tiredandout

> fact is you are insecure in your personality and all you got is your looks.


This is a bit of a rash judgement I would say. Yes, I have had self-esteem issues — as I already stated before — and I am aware that I am not the most confident person. But these days I'm pretty darn confident compared to what I used to be: I'm confident about my looks, about my personality and about my style. Which is why I'm not afraid of letting it show.

I have no reason to prove to you that looks is not all I have. You haven't even seen me, so your view of me is not really based on facts anyway. I have diplomas, references, friends and family who could prove you otherwise, but for me that's not relevant for this discussion.

But I do agree that I shouldn't dress too revealingly because I am married and that should in some way mean that my assets are for my husbands eye's only. The line between toning it down and ending up feeling like my husband controls my wardrobe is not however perfectly clear to me.

Also one thing to note: I am not complaining about the attention. For 85% of the time I don't even notice it. I don't dress for men to look at, I don't even notice if they do. My husband notices. And minds. I don't dress like I'm a product on the meet market, I dress like any young lady in my town dresses like, and much more modest than many of them. I'm 24 and my H is 28.

I don't think I'm a goddess, I'm not Playboy hot, but I'm fit and cute looking. I said I'm hot just because that is the short way to explain: I wear short skirts, but I have the legs to pull it off. And I guess these days, after years of abusing my body, I'm finally friends with it. It's not perfect nor will it ever be, and doesn't have to. But I like it. So to me I look hot.

Anyway as I said before I will be putting the short skirts on hold for now and wear other kinds of clothes that still express my personality.

Thank you all for your comments, they gave me a lot to think about.

Btw, I have read His Needs Her Needs, but somehow it didn't strike a chord with me. Best book for relationship problems that I've found is The High Conflict Couple. Have also read a ton of others and found some useful. Husband is not a reader but some of the info has trickled down to him. I'm also currently in IC for my own problems with talking about feelings and my boundarilessness, which date back to my FOO. Wish my H would agree to CC but that's a no go. 

So we're working on it. Not always so effectively, but we are.


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## 2ntnuf

If these questions are too personal, I apologize. I am trying to relate what I have read to my personal experience and maybe glean some knowledge. Who knows, maybe you will see something that will help you?


What kind of work does your husband do? 
What kind of work do you do?
Where do you see yourself living in five or ten years?
What kind of lifestyle(home,friends,after work activities) would you like?
Where would you like to vacation and when was the last time you did?


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## chillymorn

tiredandout said:


> This is a bit of a rash judgement I would say. Yes, I have had self-esteem issues — as I already stated before — and I am aware that I am not the most confident person. But these days I'm pretty darn confident compared to what I used to be: I'm confident about my looks, about my personality and about my style. Which is why I'm not afraid of letting it show.
> 
> I have no reason to prove to you that looks is not all I have. You haven't even seen me, so your view of me is not really based on facts anyway. I have diplomas, references, friends and family who could prove you otherwise, but for me that's not relevant for this discussion.
> 
> But I do agree that I shouldn't dress too revealingly because I am married and that should in some way mean that my assets are for my husbands eye's only. The line between toning it down and ending up feeling like my husband controls my wardrobe is not however perfectly clear to me.
> 
> Also one thing to note: I am not complaining about the attention. For 85% of the time I don't even notice it. I don't dress for men to look at, I don't even notice if they do. My husband notices. And minds. I don't dress like I'm a product on the meet market, I dress like any young lady in my town dresses like, and much more modest than many of them. I'm 24 and my H is 28.
> 
> I don't think I'm a goddess, I'm not Playboy hot, but I'm fit and cute looking. I said I'm hot just because that is the short way to explain: I wear short skirts, but I have the legs to pull it off. And I guess these days, after years of abusing my body, I'm finally friends with it. It's not perfect nor will it ever be, and doesn't have to. But I like it. So to me I look hot.
> 
> Anyway as I said before I will be putting the short skirts on hold for now and wear other kinds of clothes that still express my personality.
> 
> Thank you all for your comments, they gave me a lot to think about.
> 
> Btw, I have read His Needs Her Needs, but somehow it didn't strike a chord with me. Best book for relationship problems that I've found is The High Conflict Couple. Have also read a ton of others and found some useful. Husband is not a reader but some of the info has trickled down to him. I'm also currently in IC for my own problems with talking about feelings and my boundarilessness, which date back to my FOO. Wish my H would agree to CC but that's a no go.
> 
> So we're working on it. Not always so effectively, but we are.


ask your hysband to give you more compliments and show you how HOT he thinks you are!


if your not wearing to reveling stuff then maybe he is just ultra conservitive. compromise is in order.

the tone of your orginal post gave me the impression you were walking around all sl*tty looking with lots of cleavage and mini skirts with no underwear.


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## hubbyfetish

chillymorn said:


> the tone of your orginal post gave me the impression you were walking around all sl*tty looking with lots of cleavage and mini skirts with no underwear.


Her original post did not give me that impression.

I do agree that her husband should compromise with her. I personally think that is is unacceptable for him to require her to just change the way she dresses. 

I know that if I told my wife that she had to do this....that would not go over very well at all!!


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## chillymorn

hubbyfetish said:


> Her original post did not give me that impression.
> 
> I do agree that her husband should compromise with her. I personally think that is is unacceptable for him to require her to just change the way she dresses.
> 
> I know that if I told my wife that she had to do this....that would not go over very well at all!!


I guess it was the I'm HOT comment.

classy for everybody else and tramp for me works best.


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## sinnister

If you take into consideration the fact that your husband feels you becoming increasingly emotinally distant, than his request don't seem to be too unreasonable to me. What I mean is, if he feels he's losing you, seeing you dress more provacativly will only fuel his insecurity.


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## 45188

You are seeking attention with the way you dress to be honest. That's why we dress up. To look good. To feel good. To make other women glare and make men stare. The fact is, it's making your husband uncomfortable. Your HUSBAND. Do you really need attention that badly? Is it really such a large sacrifice on your part to dress down? Your husband loves you very much and he's feeling insecure right now. Wonder why? Is there something you aren't telling us?


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## tiredandout

> If you take into consideration the fact that your husband feels you becoming increasingly emotinally distant, than his request don't seem to be too unreasonable to me. What I mean is, if he feels he's losing you, seeing you dress more provacativly will only fuel his insecurity.


I agree with your post wholeheartedly. Perhaps my confusion and frustration over this issue stem from the fact that I didn't start dressing any more or less provacatively. I dressed the same way before we met, when we dated, on our wedding day and after that. So I felt a bit ambushed, that's all. But I do agree. And I stopped dressing in this way, to show my H that I am listening to his feelings.



> Your husband loves you very much and he's feeling insecure right now. Wonder why? Is there something you aren't telling us?


My response on the first page of this thread enlightens this a bit perhaps. I don't wonder why he's feeling insecure, I know very well. We have had a lot of trouble communication and with both of us invalidating each other's feelings. My first reaction to my H telling me about this was: "This is who I am, take it or leave it." But that stem from the fact that throughout the beginning of our marriage I hadn't felt accepted by my husband, my feelings weren't heard, and — I'll readily admit it — I had become quite resentful. We had already been starting to work on our problems but that was still very fresh. So when my husband told me he had a problem with this, with a lot of judgement in his voice and talking about how he looks down upon people who dress like me — I thought: "Also this is a problem with you? Why did you married me if you don't like the way I speak, behave or even dress?" I had been learning about boundaries, finding my own and standing up for them, and have to admit trying to implement that bundle of new information I did turn the knob all the way to "This how I do things and you'll just have to deal with it!". 

Which is, of course, not the point of boundaries.

But that would be the mind-set where I was when I wrote this post.
Afterwards, with the help of responses I got from here and more communication from my husband I learned to see this matter differently. I learned to see that this was just a small matter in the bigger chain of events where both of us have hurt each other. Where we have pushed each other away and both ended up feeling that we were carrying the marriage alone. So, I caught the drift. And realized: what is a hemline in the grand scheme of things? Nothing. So, I got myself a new pair of pants (never wear them really, but why not try), a longer skirt and a new attitude.

Thank you for the feedback though, it was more then I could've expected so I didn't even manage to respond to all. I'll have to come back and look through it later.


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## bfree

tiredandout said:


> Yes.
> 
> There is. And we are both aware of it at this point too. We have had problems, *he has felt ignored and that I have been emotionally distant. I have*. I guess because I started to feel too pressured and stressed with the demands of my H and my career, and disappointed with the fact that *my husband kept refusing to take responsibility for our communication problems*. I am too scared to talk about my feelings assertively, he talks about his too aggressively and attackingly for me. A lot of blaming, a lot of invalidation has taken place.
> 
> In essence, a whole bundle of mess.
> 
> What I take from this thread is that it's true, I should just concentrate on the deeper issues at hand and forget about mulling over the clothing issue. For a while I should probably keep the "sexiness" toned down, just to show DH that I have heard his feelings — but besides that still dress how I like, to show him that I will not change my whole style for him. But try not to concentrate on it. Keep dealing with the bigger picture, how our feelings have gotten hurt and educating each other about how we would like things to be. And see if we can make that happen.
> 
> I wish my husband thought like this:
> 
> But for now I think I'll have to shelf that wish and just try to fix the bigger mess here.
> 
> I guess I just got caught up with it because it is in some way pretty important to me, as dressing nicely makes me feel nice. But I should also be able to live without wearing my "sexy" skirts for a short period of time, if that helps to bring the focus back to fixing the underlying, fundamental issues in our relationship.
> 
> This was a necessary post to make and I thank you for the responses. It helps me to see this as a smaller part, a byproduct of the bigger problem, rather than another big issue to tackle and deal with. Shifting my focus off from my hemline to how to fix what is really bothering him (and me) will be more constructive. Thank you!


Men and women communicate so much differently that most people don't realize it. Oftentimes a woman will say something to her husband and use subtle cues (i.e. body language and facial expressions) to emphasize her point. She won't even realize that she is doing this, its just how she naturally communicates. Meanwhile her husband never receives those subtle cues. He doesn't realize that the message she is trying to communicate is important or misunderstands what the message actually is. Additionally, men are fixers. If they do not perceive a problem that they can fix their subconscious will frequently minimize the message. Its not overtly intentional when this happens, its just how men are built.

As an example of the major differences between how men and women communicate I read a recent study that states women can perceive 45-50 facial expression per minute. Men perceive 6-10. Furthermore, when a woman looks someone in the eye she is communicating that she is perceiving the message and understands. When a man gets looked in the eye it triggers a fight or flight reflex and that can muddy the message that is trying to be communicated. Just food for thought.


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## Omgitsjoe

My wife also receives a lot of attention from men and sometimes even women when she's dressed in a very sexy way. This on top of her erotic look ( been told she looks like a much prettier Tia Carrera ) gets her unsolicited flirtation wherever she goes ..... Lounges , bars and even at the grocery when she's not dressed in a sexy way. 

I'm quite secure with the banter that she sometimes enjoy but often politely turns down it all depends on the couple. 

From experience I know women dresses first and foremost for themselves because they want to look " nice and attractive " it's innate for us to want this acceptance and if the couple is secure with their relationship then it's all good. I , myself am very proud of my Mrs when we walk into a room or lounge since I know he desire for her from he men is there but she'll be going home with ME !


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## FirstYearDown

chillymorn said:


> fact is you are insecure in your personality and all you got is your looks.
> 
> dressing like that is for attrcating the oppisite sex. and if your married then you should tone it down some for the man you love.
> 
> I always find it amussing when some women is dressed provatively and then get pi$$y when she gets unwanted attention. news flash don't advertise if your not in the market.


I don't agree with this at all. 

Tiredandout is not constantly wearing plunging necklines and showing all her cleavage. She is not wearing skirts right under her ass and she is not showing her stomach. There is a difference between sexy and trashy....you clearly cannot distinguish between the two. 

Why should she dress like a nun so that her husband will be happy? HE is the the who is apprehensive and Tiredandout does not need to be held prisoner by her husband's controlling attitude. 

My husband is insecure about other men looking at me. I know this is because of our nearly ten year age difference. While I do consider his feelings when I choose my clothes, I know I am still a young woman of 30. No matter what I wear, men are still attracted to my megawatt smile and friendly (NOT flirty) personality. 

When I dress up, I like to wear heels or knee high boots. I like to wear makeup, perfume and I have regular manicures and pedicures. I guess this makes me superficial right? 

It's called being a woman. We like to look nice and nobody should try to make us feel bad for that. I don't think a man should make a woman feel like she has some kind of personality flaw because she is concerned about vanity. If that was true, than most women are "insecure in our personalities."


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## FirstYearDown

kipani said:


> You are seeking attention with the way you dress to be honest. That's why we dress up. To look good. To feel good. To make other women glare and make men stare. The fact is, it's making your husband uncomfortable. Your HUSBAND. Do you really need attention that badly? Is it really such a large sacrifice on your part to dress down? Your husband loves you very much and he's feeling insecure right now. Wonder why? Is there something you aren't telling us?


So she should just do whatever her husband wants all the time? 
Why is he so much more important than her? 

He doesn't seem to care that he is too aggressive and makes tiredandout feel attacked. Why is it okay for him to make her feel uncomfortable but not the other way around? :scratchhead:

It might be helpful to look at ALL possibilities before making absolute statements. There are always three sides to every story; my side, your side and the truth which often lies in between.

I hope you don't feel too angry about what I just posted.


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## Kasler

Hmm, I wouldn't call a man insecure over it. Most of the time women start dressing like that out of nowhere is so they can draw the attention of other men. 

Its kinda like when women don't like their boyfriends/husbands making eye contact with every attractive woman in a building. 

You can argue that its different than the clothes, but not really. Its something bachelorhood leaves behind on many men so its pretty natural to do so.(at least before your woman calls you out on it) 

All in all the act itself isn't bad or anything, but combined with relationship problems its definitely a cause for concern at the least


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## I.T. Guy

Everyone is going to be different.

I myself believe, "If you got it, flaunt it!". Meaning, if you look good, play it up.

I personally like my women a little on the skanky side. Not full skank, but definitely some. I want my woman looking good, I want other guys looking, desireous and jealous. I don't care, cause **I** am the one going to playing the games in bed (or wherever) later. Not the public that sees her walking around.

And honestly, if her dressing hot/****tily is going to cause her to cheat, then she isn't the faithful kind anyway. NEXT!

But otherwise, if he has a problem with the way you are dressing, then he is insecure and afraid that someone will take you away, or he regards you as his property. Neither bode well for you.


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## AFEH

I.T. Guy said:


> Everyone is going to be different.
> 
> I myself believe, "If you got it, flaunt it!". Meaning, if you look good, play it up.
> 
> I personally like my women a little on the skanky side. Not full skank, but definitely some. I want my woman looking good, I want other guys looking, desireous and jealous. I don't care, cause **I** am the one going to playing the games in bed (or wherever) later. Not the public that sees her walking around.
> 
> And honestly, if her dressing hot/****tily is going to cause her to cheat, then she isn't the faithful kind anyway. NEXT!
> 
> But otherwise, if he has a problem with the way you are dressing, *then he is insecure and afraid that someone will take you away, or he regards you as his property*. Neither bode well for you.


That’s just old wives tales.


I regarded my wife as my property for 42 years. Now she’s free to do whatever she likes with whomever she likes and whenever she likes because she is after all now a free woman.


Now though in spite of on occasions creating jealousy in me it seems she doesn’t actually want another man as she still wears my ring some three years after we separated.


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## FirstYearDown

AFEH, were you also your wife's "property"?

Objects are property, not people unless they are slaves.


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## AFEH

FirstYearDown said:


> AFEH, were you also your wife's "property"?
> 
> Objects are property, not people unless they are slaves.


Of course.

For me it’s what a wedding ring symbolises.

My wife still wears her ring, symbolising that she still belongs to (is the property of) another man, me.

If it was just any ring to keep men away, she’d have bought another ring and worn that one. But she wants to demonstrate that she still belongs to me, even after 3 years separation. She is a great one for denial, make believe. She knows what "belonging to me" means and she knows that what she has now isn't even close, it's millions of miles away.


I don’t wear my ring, symbolising that I don’t belong to (am not the property of) anyone.


Married people, although they “belong to” their partner (are the property of) symbolised by the ring they wear, are obviously free to come and go as they wish.


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## JWilliams

My wife has an ass and I want her to flaunt it for me. I have bought her small jammy bottoms and boy shorts... But she is never willing to wear them in our own home just for my enjoyment


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## AFEH

JWilliams said:


> My wife has an ass and I want her to flaunt it for me. I have bought her small jammy bottoms and boy shorts... But she is never willing to wear them in our own home just for my enjoyment


Tease her, offer her a dollar to wear them and see what happens.


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## JWilliams

AFEH said:


> Tease her, offer her a dollar to wear them and see what happens.


I think the main issue is I am 35, and she is 55. She says she is too old to be sexy or to dress hot anymore.

She has nice curves, nice breasts, and an ass I always stare at.

Outside of the house I can see her wanting to dress her age (bah) but inside the house I would want to dress something I can just glance over at her and just want to attack her. Or rub her (unsexually, but in a teasing way).


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## Goldmember357

don't show cleavage and legs unless its fancy or we are together. you know what i mean?


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## absflg

tiredandout said:


> As a background, we have been married for 3 years and this is the first time this is an issue.
> 
> H told me a few days ago that he finds the way I dress uncomfortable. In my opinion I am by no means dressing in any ****ty way. I generally wear skirts or dresses that are 2-4 inches above the knee, with tights and some knitted shirt or sweater, a couple of them have a v-neck but mostly high cut. I have always dressed like this. But in the past 6-12 months I have started to wear more brighter colours and in some ways more .. flashy clothes. I don't wear make up. My husband finds issue with my appearance being too "sexy" and "attention seeking" — primarily because he noticed that men look at me on the street when I'm wearing a shorter skirt.
> 
> Fact is, I'm hot. I don't dress for other men's attention, I dress because I like clothes and dressing nicely. We have now talked a lot and very deeply about this. My husband doesn't care about dressing nicely and thinks a bit less of people who do, that it is superficial and a negative trait in a person. He also thinks I shouldn't be inviting outside attention to our marriage, which is what he sees me dressing in clothes that he finds to be too revealing. I have had self-esteem and body-image issues before. I am finally well set in my body and like the way I look. I like pretty clothes, don't spend too much money on them, just like to wear things that give me a confidence boost and colours that keep me in happy spirits.
> 
> I am having deeper feelings of uncomfortableness with the issue that my husband looks down upon people who pay attention to their looks. I started to feel pressured to not only dress less sexy but also dress less like me. He dresses just naturally, sometimes sloppily, but I have never said that I felt embarassed to go to the theater or a concert with him eventhough he just wears baggy clothes and doesn't even own a suit.
> 
> My point: I feel judged because of the way I like to dress.
> So: Ignore husband and dress how I like? Accommodate husband and dress in some ways less flashy/revealing? Forget about clothes and paying so much attention to what I look like, and go find satisfaction and get into new hobbies? What?
> 
> Men, both confident and terribly insecure or anything in between, what is your opinion?


Hi need to feel sorry for this. However you should carry yourself the way you like. I had the same problem, however I convinced my husband, and now he supports the same


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## She'sStillGotIt

tiredandout said:


> I guess I just got caught up with it because it is in some way pretty important to me, as dressing nicely makes me feel nice. But I should also be able to live without wearing my "sexy" skirts for a short period of time, if that helps to bring the focus back to fixing the underlying, fundamental issues in our relationship.


Sounds like you already cater to this insecure man quite a bit. You don't wear makeup and I'd be willing to bet that's by *his* choice and you've just found a way to accept it.

Now, he wants to dictate how you dress.

Sound like you're willing to lose 'you' in order to pander to him.

I guess he won't be happy until you're wearing a burka.

Be very careful of the precedents you're setting just to appease him. Very, very careful.


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## notmyrealname4




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## LeGenDary_Man

A husband should have a say in how his wife dresses or carries herself in the public. To some, this might constitute as controlling. However, I see it as a facet of mate-guarding.

My wife prefers to be modest in her appearance outside the home. When she wants to dress sexy, she will do it for me only, mostly at home. This is how I prefer it to be. 

Completely ignoring the concerns of your partner and/or declaring him insecure, is not a healthy way to approach this issue. A good way to address this matter is to encourage your partner to participate in your shopping activities and seek his opinion in your choice of dresses. This comes down to understanding the concerns of your partner. Some level of compromise is always helpful.


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## bandit.45

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Sounds like you already cater to this insecure man quite a bit. You don't wear makeup and I'd be willing to bet that's by *his* choice and you've just found a way to accept it.
> 
> Now, he wants to dictate how you dress.
> 
> Sound like you're willing to lose 'you' in order to pander to him.
> 
> I guess he won't be happy until you're wearing a burka.
> 
> Be very careful of the precedents you're setting just to appease him. Very, very careful.


I agree. He's a controlling abusive misogynist. OP should divorce him and become a lesbian.


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## bandit.45

OP, are you flirtatious around men?


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## browser

tiredandout said:


> Fact is, I'm hot.


Maybe you're not as hot as you think you are and that's the problem your husband has with you dressing the way you do?

If you want relevant advice you need to post a pic of you in one of your regular outfits. Block our your face if your'e so inclined.


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## rockon

Um, OP has not been on TAM in over 4 years.


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## browser

oops I'm so embarassed


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## bandit.45

Haha ha ha!!!

We got slimed.


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## Chris Taylor

A thread like this is useless without pictures.


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## NoTowels

My thoughts is he's not insecure about how you dress, he's insecure about himself and having to compete with the attention you get. 

I encouraged my wife to dress sexy. I much prefer to walk into a room with a hot woman than someone dressed frumpy and conservative. 

Of course now having recently discovered my wife's affair, my thoughts may have changed. 

I know she didn't cheat because some guy saw her and thought she was hot...she cheated because of some long term emotional bond she had with this man. Im not a woman so I can't really think like one but my guess is if some guy walked up to you and said something like "hey sexy, that skirt really shows off your a$$ and legs really well wanna f#@k?" you would throw your drink in his face and run the other way. However, if you connect with another man on an emotional level it could lead to more.

I guess my point is your husband views women who dress sexy as ****s and of course thats hardly ever the case. What you need to do with your husband is insure that your not only dressing sexy for yourself, but for HIM too.


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## bandit.45

*ZOMBIE THREAD!!!!!*

Kill it MattMatt!


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## prunus

My STBXH used to comment about the way I dressed and my makeup so much that he got the best of me and I stopped wearing makeup, jewelry and any clothes that I actually liked. I just wore comfy stuff that had no appeal and made me feel like a frumpy old rag. Now that he's gone, I am dressing a little bit better and now the comments are starting again. Gotta hot date? Stuff like he used to say that made me stop dressing the way I wanted. I guess that's one good thing about him being so far away. He doesn't see how I dress now. I'd like to get back to wearing makeup and jewelry. He's trying to control you. Don't let him. Unless you're dressing like a tramp (doesn't seem that way), keep dressing how you want. And, wear makeup if you want, too.


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## alexm

Zombie thread? Who cares, still relevant to anybody searching for this topic. The questions and responses don't have a best-before date. Not sure why people get worked up over this sort of thing, unless they're expecting more info from the OP or something.


In any case, ex wife used to dress pretty frumpy pre-gym rat days. Baggy sweaters, looser fit jeans, etc. Once she got fit, it was low-cut, tight-fitting jeans, low-cut, tight-fitting shirts, push-up bras, etc. And a LOT of time spent on makeup and hair, even just to go to the store. Didn't bother me one bit, she looked good, TBH. But it went to her head, and she relished the attention she got from it - so much so that she'd even tell me all about it... sigh.

But there's a difference between her and what OP said, IMO. OP seems like she always dressed like that, and doesn't do it for the attention - she simply likes clothes. It also doesn't sound like she dresses all that 'sexy', anyway - she just dresses for her body type, and how she likes.

It's a double-edged sword, if you ask me. If it's clearly being done to 'show off', then it's an issue. If your wife/girlfriend likes clothing and dresses for her body, then chill out. You don't own her, and if it makes you uncomfortable, the problem is with you, not her. If her resulting M.O. or ensuing ACTIONS make you uncomfortable, that's another story.


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