# Now divorced but was having affair last year of marriage - Do I tell him?



## Kimberley17

My husband and I have been divorced for 2 months. All we do is co-parent our children now. Our marriage was rocky for years and the last year of it I was having an affair. I have no intentions of ever telling him as I don't see the point now other than to hurt him. Looking for opinions on the subject.. If you think I should tell him please explian why and the same for if you don't think I should.


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## dormant

There is no point. Drop it


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## KanDo

Why are you even considering it? Are you remorseful and wanting to assuage your conscience or are you trying to inflict pain on your Ex?


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## SomedayDig

How much did your affair have to do with finalizing the divorce?


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## Kimberley17

I am not really considering it. It was brought up in another thread that I should tell him and was just wondering other people's thoughts. I have no plans to ever tell him. I absolutely don't want to hurt him further.


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## Kimberley17

SomedayDig said:


> How much did your affair have to do with finalizing the divorce?


Nothing. We would have divorced anyway. It wasn't working.


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## SomedayDig

Kimberley17 said:


> Nothing. We would have divorced anyway. It wasn't working.


Then I wouldn't say anything about it.

If it did have something to do with your decision, I would say that you would only tell him so that he didn't blame himself for everything.


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## Squeakr

If you have blamed him for things that you did during the cheating and it has destroyed his manhood, then maybe it would be good to tell him to help rebuild his self esteem you may have ruined. I would suggest to weigh the situation and see how it might affect his and your relationship with your children. I would say it might not be a bad idea, as it can affect how the co-parenting goes with your children, and think how it may affect them if it comes out down the road. You would not necessarily care about what he thinks or feels (otherwise you wouldn't have cheated), but what if it comes out and causes your children to hate you for the lying and deceit. 

It is really your call and maybe something to discuss with a professional. Since you are here, I can't help but think that you have some guilt/ remorse that is drawing you to even think about it. I would just hate to see it destroy your relationship with your children (if they find out and feel you lied so easily about this, it may cause them to second guess other things you have done during their life).


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## aug

Kimberley17 said:


> My husband and I have been divorced for 2 months. All we do is co-parent our children now. Our marriage was rocky for years and the last year of it I was having an affair. I have no intentions of ever telling him as I don't see the point now other than to hurt him. Looking for opinions on the subject.. If you think I should tell him please explian why and the same for if you don't think I should.



Yes, tell him. 

Since you're co-parenting your kids, your advice and instructions to them will come, in all likelihood, tainted with a cheater's perspective. Your ex-husband will then understand why you gave certain advice and he may want to offer his counterbalance to yours. Your kids can then decide which viewpoints to accept.


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## FlyingThePhoenix

Hello Kimberley,

You didn't feel guilty or show remorse during the affair when you were married to him, so why confess now? As long as you are both good parents to your kids leave it alone. 

If you tell him, who's going to get the blame for the marriage ending? *YOU*! 

When kids grow up and ask why your marriage failed who's going to get the blame? *YOU*!

When one spouse has an affair that is there ticket out of the marriage, you didn't fight for your marriage *THEN *and your marriage is now OVER. If you're feeling guilty and remorse *NOW*, will it's a bit late for that, isn't it! Leave it alone, just be good parents.

*HOW EVER!!!!!*

If you blamed him solely for the failure of the marriage while you were shagging another man for a year, than confess away and set the record straight. But you'd better take *100% OWNERSHIP of your ACTIONS!*


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## NatureDave

Kimberley17 said:


> Our marriage was rocky for years and the last year of it I was having an affair.


Just want to call you out on this one.

What could have become of you marriage if you put the effort and affection you did for your affair partner into loving your husband?

There is a common thread among ALL waywards. In order to justify their actions, they vilify the current spouse and distort their view of the marriage to where "we were never happy". This is the mind trying to justify the terrible actions of cheating and lying and relieve some of the guilt.

It's called rewriting history and every wayward does it.

There is no such thing as an affair "that had nothing to do with the breakup of the marriage".


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## Kimberley17

Squeakr said:


> If you have blamed him for things that you did during the cheating and it has destroyed his manhood, then maybe it would be good to tell him to help rebuild his self esteem you may have ruined. I would suggest to weigh the situation and see how it might affect his and your relationship with your children. I would say it might not be a bad idea, as it can affect how the co-parenting goes with your children, and think how it may affect them if it comes out down the road. You would not necessarily care about what he thinks or feels (otherwise you wouldn't have cheated), but what if it comes out and causes your children to hate you for the lying and deceit.
> 
> It is really your call and maybe something to discuss with a professional. Since you are here, I can't help but think that you have some guilt/ remorse that is drawing you to even think about it. I would just hate to see it destroy your relationship with your children (if they find out and feel you lied so easily about this, it may cause them to second guess other things you have done during their life).


I don't see how it would ever possibly come out. And my kids are too little right now to understand. One thing that you hit on makes me think. I stopped having sex with him but it was way before I was having the affair, I just couldn't stand having sex with him anymore. I know that fact hurt his manhood. But again that had really nothing to do with the affair as it was going on long before I started cheating. I don't plan to tell. I just want to move on and be happy and I want nothing less for him.


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## Kimberley17

aug said:


> Yes, tell him.
> 
> Since you're co-parenting your kids, your advice and instructions to them will come, in all likelihood, tainted with a cheater's perspective. Your ex-husband will then understand why you gave certain advice and he may want to offer his counterbalance to yours. Your kids can then decide which viewpoints to accept.


Please explain what could possibly be tainted because I've cheated? I don't condone it, I don't want my kids to believe that is the right way to handle things in relationships. I know it was the wrong thing to do but to suggest my parenting is tainted by it just plain sucks.


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## BobSimmons

just wanted to see how long it was before people started figuratively beating her with the big sticks..bit weird though. Let him live his life and you live yours.


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## Dyokemm

Personally, I would respect a woman far more for being honest with me. I say this because I feel honesty and the truth are the most important commodities in any human relationship and I would admire her for the honesty and express it to her.

Actually had a similar experience many years ago with a serious relationship in which marriage was discussed.

I had many suspicions that she was cheating at the end. Decided the relationship was just too broken to fix overall and never pursued my suspicions. Just ended it on the friendliest terms possible.

She came back 7 months later to ask if we could try again. I declined and said the things that had caused us difficulties were still there. 

She agreed, but wanted to at least remain friends. I agreed because I did care for her as a person. Our difficulties mainly came from personality differences.

She then proceeded to tell me she had to admit things to set the record straight. She had been seeing someone else at the end. 

Of course, I already knew this because a friend of mine had seen her out with this guy at a nightclub before we split.

She also admitted she had later hooked up with my friend who had caught her out after we had been broken up a couple months.

I actually admired her a lot for her honesty. It definitely helped our continuing friendship to be on better terms.

We stayed good friends until she eventually married and moved to another state. We stopped communicating at that time out of respect for her new husband's feelings, but to this day I still have a respectful memory of her BECAUSE she was honest when she didn't need to be.


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## Kimberley17

FlyingThePhoenix said:


> Hello Kimberley,
> 
> You didn't feel guilty or show remorse during the affair when you were married to him, so why confess now? As long as you are both good parents to your kids leave it alone.
> 
> If you tell him, who's going to get the blame for the marriage ending? *YOU*!
> 
> When kids grow up and ask why your marriage failed who's going to get the blame? *YOU*!
> 
> When one spouse has an affair that is there ticket out of the marriage, you didn't fight for your marriage *THEN *and your marriage is now OVER. If you're feeling guilty and remorse *NOW*, will it's a bit late for that, isn't it! Leave it alone, just be good parents.
> 
> *HOW EVER!!!!!*
> 
> If you blamed him solely for the failure of the marriage while you were shagging another man for a year, than confess away and set the record straight. But you'd better take *100% OWNERSHIP of your ACTIONS!*


Truthfully, I felt guilty at the time when we were married but I don't now. And I have to correct you. I did fight like hell for my marriage. I BEGGED my husband to go for counseling years ago when things started going downhill. He refused. Insisted we were fine. I told him the things that made me unhappy. Nothing changed and I became more and more miserable until my feelings were gone. I do not have any regret. I believe I tried everything to save my marriage before it was too late. I do not blame him soley for all the problems. I feel terrible guilt because I fell out of love with him when some people are capable of staying in love.


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## Kimberley17

NatureDave said:


> Just want to call you out on this one.
> 
> What could have become of you marriage if you put the effort and affection you did for your affair partner into loving your husband?
> 
> There is a common thread among ALL waywards. In order to justify their actions, they vilify the current spouse and distort their view of the marriage to where "we were never happy". This is the mind trying to justify the terrible actions of cheating and lying and relieve some of the guilt.
> 
> It's called rewriting history and every wayward does it.
> 
> There is no such thing as an affair "that had nothing to do with the breakup of the marriage".


I see your point but I still believe we would have ended up divorced. My feelings changed way before the affair started. You are way oversimplifying the reality of how things were. And there was a time we were very happy. Unfortunately, things changed once we had kids. It happens.


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## Kimberley17

Dyokemm said:


> Personally, I would respect a woman far more for being honest with me. I say this because I feel honesty and the truth are the most important commodities in any human relationship and I would admire her for the honesty and express it to her.
> 
> Actually had a similar experience many years ago with a serious relationship in which marriage was discussed.
> 
> I had many suspicions that she was cheating at the end. Decided the relationship was just too broken to fix overall and never pursued my suspicions. Just ended it on the friendliest terms possible.
> 
> She came back 7 months later to ask if we could try again. I declined and said the things that had caused us difficulties were still there.
> 
> She agreed, but wanted to at least remain friends. I agreed because I did care for her as a person. Our difficulties mainly came from personality differences.
> 
> She then proceeded to tell me she had to admit things to set the record straight. She had been seeing someone else at the end.
> 
> Of course, I already knew this because a friend of mine had seen her out with this guy at a nightclub before we split.
> 
> She also admitted she had later hooked up with my friend who had caught her out after we had been broken up a couple months.
> 
> I actually admired her a lot for her honesty. It definitely helped our continuing friendship to be on better terms.
> 
> We stayed good friends until she eventually married and moved to another state. We stopped communicating at that time out of respect for her new husband's feelings, but to this day I still have a respectful memory of her BECAUSE she was honest when she didn't need to be.


So, you respect her for being honest after the fact months later?? Interesting. But she had already lied to you ?? I don't get it.


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## aug

Kimberley17 said:


> Please explain what could possibly be tainted because I've cheated? I don't condone it, I don't want my kids to believe that is the right way to handle things in relationships. I know it was the wrong thing to do but to suggest my parenting is tainted by it just plain sucks.



One day your daughter comes and tells you, "mom, my boyfriend sucks so I am going to cheat on him". Will you remember what you did and will that affect your comment to her?

If you had never cheated, you could unequivocally say to her, "break up first". Now you cant. Your answer to her will not have the conviction.


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## mule kick

If only you had the will a year ago to say it. You've already done the deed of cheating and lying and betraying your vows. May as well stay the course at this point. When he finds out, whenever it is there will be a wound opened up that will take months to heal.


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## JustSomeGuyWho

I guess my question is that if the marriage was over before your affair then why did you stay in the marriage for the year that you had the affair. That seems very unfair to him ... you took a year of his life when he could have been moving on. I'm not trying to hit you with a 2x4, it is what it is and it's done, but it does beg the question if you really thought the marriage was over before the affair then why didn't you simply divorce then? The year that you were having the affair was a year that you were putting no effort into saving the marriage. He couldn't have been happy during that year thinking everything was ok. I am on the fence about telling him ... on the one hand, he will just hate you and the blame will be focused on you ... on the other hand, he seems to be owed a huge apology.


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## badbane

Kimberley17 said:


> Nothing. We would have divorced anyway. It wasn't working.


Why do I have a hard time believing this? Oh yea because 10/10 times when the WS comes here they minimalize how long the Affair really lasted. Please is the last year how long the PA lasted but how long before that were you emotionally involved with the OM. How much of the marriage was good really not just in your head. I mean most of the time WS are in a "fog" so real history becomes suggestive to the effects of the affair. If you were not neglected emotionally before you had the affair. Then suddenly you felt neglected because this OM in your life gave you all this new attention, then you are really mistaken. I know from experience on here that you are likely trying to protray events in such a way as to not expose how deep your rabbit hole really went. IMHO it sounds like you feel guilty because you know why the marriage failed and it really wasn't because of him. If you want to know how I feel I would tell him the truth. The marriage didn't work out because I was unfaithful and that he deserved to be treated better. I know it may hurt him but atleast he will probably stop holding the candle for you at night and finally move on.


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## Squeakr

Kimberley17 said:


> So, you respect her for being honest after the fact months later?? Interesting. But she had already lied to you ?? I don't get it.


Respect and trust are two different things. Respect speaks to someone's direct character and ability to be a good model for others. Trust is something different, and is easier to be built when one shows that they have earned it/ deserve it. By her owning her decisions and mistakes, it can be a real eye opener for the BS, especially when the WS comes forward with it on their own and doesn't only reveal after it was discovered.


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## JustSomeGuyWho

aug said:


> One day your daughter comes and tells you, "mom, my boyfriend sucks so I am going to cheat on him". Will you remember what you did and will that affect your comment to her?
> 
> If you had never cheated, you could unequivocally say to her, "break up first". Now you cant. Your answer to her will not have the conviction.


Why wouldn't it have conviction? What more conviction do you need than to come from a place where you have made the mistake and learned from it? I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and I can assure you there is conviction when I advise my children not to repeat them.


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## aug

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Why wouldn't it have conviction? What more conviction do you need than to come from a place where you have made the mistake and learned from it? I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and I can assure you there is conviction when I advise my children not to repeat them.


But would you say to them "Dont cheat like I did." That's conviction and experience your kids can learn from. If so, then her ex would find out.


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## Squeakr

Kimberley17 said:


> Please explain what could possibly be tainted because I've cheated? I don't condone it, I don't want my kids to believe that is the right way to handle things in relationships. I know it was the wrong thing to do but to suggest my parenting is tainted by it just plain sucks.


You would be surprised to see how things come out and change things, For one you are posting it on the internet (and as much as we like to think all is anonymous behind the keyboard, it can still be found out). In fact the large majority of cheaters all said the same thing (the ones my wife were with said the same, they would take it to their graves, didn't make it a few years before being exposed).

You are in a position that you are not openly and fairly judging things. When you talk about failed marriage, it is referred to we not making it, and we were not happy, but it is not really your position to judge what he thought about being happy or the marriage future. You can truthfully only talk about your feelings and not speak for others. My own children saw how my wife changed and failed in things as a mother, yet she doesn't see it that way. She spent time that should have been devoted to them, focused on her affairs. She said her mothering didn't change (as did others when they were posed the question in a recent thread), but the fact and truth is that all relationships (not just marriages) are changed when a cheater is involved, you just are so involved that you don't see how much (or little) things have changed.


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## FlyingThePhoenix

Hello Kimberley,



Kimberley17 said:


> Please explain what could possibly be tainted because I've cheated? I don't condone it, I don't want my kids to believe that is the right way to handle things in relationships. I know it was the wrong thing to do but to suggest my parenting is tainted by it just plain sucks.


You were shagging another man for a year, while still married to your husband and raising your kids together as a family; and you say your parenting skills weren't "tainted", think about it! You *planned*, *micro-management* and *executed* your *time, between* your *family* and your *affair*. You gave your special time that you should have had with your husband or your kids to the affair, so yes; I'd say your parenting skills were slightly "tainted" *don't you?*

Look, like I said in my last post, if your feel true guilty and true remorse *NOW*, after the *FACT*, it’s too *LATE*! Leave it alone, just teach your kids the true meaning of *promises and vows etc. etc.* and that cheating always has a *HIGH PRICE*!

*Q.* Are you and your ex-husband good parents to your kids *NOW*?

*Q.* Do you respect your ex-husband more now then when you were married and does he respect you?


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## Kimberley17

aug said:


> One day your daughter comes and tells you, "mom, my boyfriend sucks so I am going to cheat on him". Will you remember what you did and will that affect your comment to her?
> 
> If you had never cheated, you could unequivocally say to her, "break up first". Now you cant. Your answer to her will not have the conviction.


First off, I have only boys and secondly that is ridiculous. I have stated many times I know what I did was wrong. I don't walk around advocating cheating. Just because someone does something wrong doesn't mean they don't know right from wrong. I absolutley would never tell my kids that is the way to handle things. And perhaps ny answer would have MORE conviction because of what I've done and the mistakes I've made.


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## chillymorn

Kimberley17 said:


> I see your point but I still believe we would have ended up divorced. My feelings changed way before the affair started. You are way oversimplifying the reality of how things were. And there was a time we were very happy. Unfortunately, things changed once we had kids. It happens.


so instead of ending it before your affair and being of good morals you decided to cheat and expose him to hard ship and maybe disease. 


Hmmmmm.

Just don't understand how you could love sombody for years and then if/when you fall out of love you didn't have the courage to end it before you started having sex with other people.


hell I glad for him that you guys are divorced. he deserves better.


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## Kimberley17

aug said:


> But would you say to them "Dont cheat like I did." That's conviction and experience your kids can learn from. If so, then her ex would find out.


OMG, really? Who would say to their kids, "don't cheat like I did"?? Unless, the kids already know I can't see any parent saying that and dragging the kids into adult problems. My kids are very young. Besides. the affair was the result of being unhappy and not the other way around.


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## Ovid

So affairs go like this.

Marriage is going along so so, or it's hit a bump. WS runs into someone that makes friends with them. The relationship with the friend escalates until it's more than just friends. At this point WS feels guilt but doesn't want to end things so they magnify the problems in their M, and even extend the problems out. Not one year but two three four, even the entire marriage. They blow up how unhappy they were until the BS is cause of their misery. They think about their flawless new love and how happy they would be with them instead. Eventually they divorce and the BS moves on. The A dies at this point because the lies weren't just to the BS but the WS lied to themselves too. So the A falls apart, and the WS is left with facing their guilt or blaming their BS.

If you had done all you could do for your M you would not have been cheating. Lie to yourself all you want but nothing destroys a M like cheating. If you really were working on the M you would have let your BS know you were ending it because. If they responded and tried then you would have put the effort into the M you put into the AP. 

Tell your XH what you did and congratulate him on escaping your M. In a few years his wounds will heal and he will be a better man than you ever imagined. He will make another woman very happy.


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## Kimberley17

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I guess my question is that if the marriage was over before your affair then why did you stay in the marriage for the year that you had the affair. That seems very unfair to him ... you took a year of his life when he could have been moving on. I'm not trying to hit you with a 2x4, it is what it is and it's done, but it does beg the question if you really thought the marriage was over before the affair then why didn't you simply divorce then? The year that you were having the affair was a year that you were putting no effort into saving the marriage. He couldn't have been happy during that year thinking everything was ok. I am on the fence about telling him ... on the one hand, he will just hate you and the blame will be focused on you ... on the other hand, he seems to be owed a huge apology.


Excellent question and the answer is that I had made the decision to stay in it for the kids. And I told my husband that. In hindsight, it was a stupid thought process and a definite mistake. Live and learn. No, neither of us was happy in that year but if there weren't changes happening in the relationship how can things have possibly been salvaged? I am not telling him as I can't see any good coming from that. We have a good co-parenting relationship now and I don't want that ruined for my kids. They are the innocent bystanders in all this. I have apologized to him many times that we couldn't make it work as has he.


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## Kimberley17

Ovid said:


> So affairs go like this.
> 
> Marriage is going along so so, or it's hit a bump. WS runs into someone that makes friends with them. The relationship with the friend escalates until it's more than just friends. At this point WS feels guilt but doesn't want to end things so they magnify the problems in their M, and even extend the problems out. Not one year but two three four, even the entire marriage. They blow up how unhappy they were until the BS is cause of their misery. They think about their flawless new love and how happy they would be with them instead. Eventually they divorce and the BS moves on. The A dies at this point because the lies weren't just to the BS but the WS lied to themselves too. So the A falls apart, and the WS is left with facing their guilt or blaming their BS.
> 
> If you had done all you could do for your M you would not have been cheating. Lie to yourself all you want but nothing destroys a M like cheating. If you really were working on the M you would have let your BS know you were ending it because. If they responded and tried then you would have put the effort into the M you put into the AP.
> 
> Tell your XH what you did and congratulate him on escaping your M. In a few years his wounds will heal and he will be a better man than you ever imagined. He will make another woman very happy.


Your bitterness is quite obvious. I was working on my marriage but it takes two to make a marriage work. You have no idea the dynamic in my situation but all you are doing is passing judgement. My affair was over prior to my marriage ending. I ended it. Again, the affair had nothing to do with the marriage ending. It was a symptom of my unhappiness. And I hope he does make another woman happy. He just didn't make me happy. And I pulled the trigger on the divorce. We weren't eight for each other. I suggest you get some counseling for your bitterness Mr. Perfect. Puleeze.


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## badbane

Kimberley17 said:


> Excellent question and the answer is that I had made the decision to stay in it for the kids. And I told my husband that. In hindsight, it was a stupid thought process and a definite mistake. Live and learn.* No, neither of us was happy in that year but if there weren't changes happening in the relationship how can things have possibly been salvaged?* I am not telling him as I can't see any good coming from that. *We have a good co-parenting relationship now and I don't want that ruined for my kids.* They are the innocent bystanders in all this. I have apologized to him many times that we couldn't make it work as has he.


I see that you selectively answering questions so let me point some of what you said out. 

No, neither of us was happy in that year but if there weren't changes happening in the relationship how can things have possibly been salvaged?

notice you said niether of us was happy that year. Not neither of us was happy. So at some point you both were happy. 

Then you say this

We have a good co-parenting relationship now and I don't want that ruined for my kids. 

Which mean you are able to maintain a friendly and good relationship now. So my question is that because the man you were having sex with is no longer in your life now? 

I mean if your marriage was sooooo bad how come the failure of the marriage and the time of the affair are roughly at the same time?

Please don't skip my questions.


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## Squeakr

Taking things out of context. If your kids are dating and thinking of charting, they are adults art that time and not children facing adult problems. Also you haven't really faced your true hand in the failure of your marriage. You are referring to it as a mistake, and the result of something. It is neither. It is a choice, a decision that you made. You planned it and followed through, so there is no way that you can say it was a mistake or the the result of something. I agree with others that you (just as my wife did) had started checking out years before, even though the affair was listed as the result, she had disconnected years before and was just to cowardly to face the truth. After your posts, I can see that you are still bitter towards your husband and marriage, so it might be best not to tell him, in fact it might be best to avoid him most of the time as you have no respect for him (and it will become evident to your children when the two of you are together).


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## Rookie4

OP please listen to the advice and stop being so defensive. You came to TAM, we didn't call you. We are trying to do our best. As co-parents, you will be involved with your ex for several more years. You ended your marriage with deceit, Why start out your co-parenting relationship with deceit, as well? Be honest with him, tell him what you have said here, and that you felt the marriage was over BEFORE you cheated. If I were you, I would want, as much as possible, to have an open , honest, relationship with my ex for the sake of my kids, to finally give my ex and myself some much needed respect. Apologize if need be, but emphasize that this is all past history and you are trying to clear the air for a better future.


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## Ovid

Kimberley17 said:


> Your bitterness is quite obvious. I was working on my marriage but it takes two to make a marriage work. You have no idea the dynamic in my situation but all you are doing is passing judgement. My affair was over prior to my marriage ending. I ended it. Again, the affair had nothing to do with the marriage ending. It was a symptom of my unhappiness. And I hope he does make another woman happy. He just didn't make me happy. And I pulled the trigger on the divorce. We weren't eight for each other. I suggest you get some counseling for your bitterness Mr. Perfect. Puleeze.


You're funny. You don't like the truth so I'm bitter. My W and I reconciled. It's actually a happy M now. The simple fact of the matter is you are overlooking the truth because the lie is more comfortable. Yes it takes two to make a M work, but you guaranteed with your cheating that there was only one person in the M.

No one is perfect. You both contributed to your M failing. It's the A that guaranteed it would. You really owe him the truth. I'm willing to bet there are parts of the last year of your M he just can't make sense of. He needs that truth to do it. Taking shots at me won't make your selfish actions right.


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## badbane

Kimberley17 said:


> Your bitterness is quite obvious. I was working on my marriage but it takes two to make a marriage work. You have no idea the dynamic in my situation but all you are doing is passing judgement. My affair was over prior to my marriage ending. I ended it. Again, the affair had nothing to do with the marriage ending. It was a symptom of my unhappiness. And I hope he does make another woman happy. He just didn't make me happy. And I pulled the trigger on the divorce. We weren't eight for each other. I suggest you get some counseling for your bitterness Mr. Perfect. Puleeze.


Maam I have read over two hundred affair stories and your's is not different from the other ones that I have read. You honestly expect me and everyone else here to believe that your affair. The guilt from that affair" which you do have otherwise I doubt you would have taken the time to get on here." Had 0 to do with the failure of your marriage. You are lying to yourself and why go through all of this if you didn't feel any remorse or feel like you didn't do anything wrong? It doesn't make any sense. You said the marriage wasn't working but why wasn't it working two or three years ago?


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## treyvion

chillymorn said:


> so instead of ending it before your affair and being of good morals you decided to cheat and expose him to hard ship and maybe disease.
> 
> 
> Hmmmmm.
> 
> Just don't understand how you could love sombody for years and then if/when you fall out of love you didn't have the courage to end it before you started having sex with other people.
> 
> 
> hell I glad for him that you guys are divorced. he deserves better.


Thing about it, it is a pretty "normal" relationship cycle to "fall out of love"... It's one of the things that happen to people. Outside of this, is there respect and can you still work together and support each other? And I realize kimberly17 situation is over, I was just pointing this out for the rest of us and thinking out loud of what we can expect.


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## Kimberley17

badbane said:


> Why do I have a hard time believing this? Oh yea because 10/10 times when the WS comes here they minimalize how long the Affair really lasted. Please is the last year how long the PA lasted but how long before that were you emotionally involved with the OM. How much of the marriage was good really not just in your head. I mean most of the time WS are in a "fog" so real history becomes suggestive to the effects of the affair. If you were not neglected emotionally before you had the affair. Then suddenly you felt neglected because this OM in your life gave you all this new attention, then you are really mistaken. I know from experience on here that you are likely trying to protray events in such a way as to not expose how deep your rabbit hole really went. IMHO it sounds like you feel guilty because you know why the marriage failed and it really wasn't because of him. If you want to know how I feel I would tell him the truth. The marriage didn't work out because I was unfaithful and that he deserved to be treated better. I know it may hurt him but atleast he will probably stop holding the candle for you at night and finally move on.


I'm sorry. You couldn't be more wrong. How can you even make a comment like that when you didn't live in my marriage? How do you know what kind of husband he was? I'm not going to sit here and blame him but it was farrrr from good. Cheating on him was wrong but things were quite bad when I started. I do not feel guilty. I feel kind of justified as he never took me seriously. BUT i do know it was wrong. It was a terrible thing to do to him. We both deserve better than we had with each other.


----------



## Kimberley17

treyvion said:


> Thing about it, it is a pretty "normal" relationship cycle to "fall out of love"... It's one of the things that happen to people. Outside of this, is there respect and can you still work together and support each other?


It wasn't people, it was a person and our relationship was over. No, there was no respect left and no support either.


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix

Hello Kimberley,



Kimberley17 said:


> Truthfully, I felt guilty at the time when we were married but I don't now. And I have to correct you. I did fight like hell for my marriage. I BEGGED my husband to go for counseling years ago when things started going downhill. He refused. Insisted we were fine. I told him the things that made me unhappy. Nothing changed and I became more and more miserable until my feelings were gone. I do not have any regret. I believe I tried everything to save my marriage before it was too late. I do not blame him soley for all the problems. I feel terrible guilt because I fell out of love with him when some people are capable of staying in love.


*WOW! strong words! I stand corrected*, but only on some points though . Your remind of *Candy12* *thread*, she too has husband like yours, and but she had EA where you had a EA/PA. She ended her EA and sought IC and just today she posted a change in her husbands attitude towards their marriage. Her words sounded like she was happy for the first time in ages. She fighting for her marriage! like you but I think she'll make it.

*I'm sorry you had an affair and that requires time and energy to plan and execute, that time and energy should have been put into your marriage! You can't dispute this FACT! It's a FACT!*

*BUT!!!!!* We are talking about the past here, and your marriage ended. Be the *BEST PARENTS YOU CAN BE!* Teach the _hobbits_  the true meaning of *words and there actions.* You are now in a position to teach them what *RIGHT* from *WRONG* is!


----------



## Ovid

Kimberley17 said:


> I'm sorry. You couldn't be more wrong. How can you even make a comment like that when you didn't live in my marriage? How do you know what kind of husband he was? I'm not going to sit here and blame him but it was farrrr from good. Cheating on him was wrong but things were quite bad when I started. I do not feel guilty. I feel kind of justified as he never took me seriously. BUT i do know it was wrong. It was a terrible thing to do to him. We both deserve better than we had with each other.


If it was so bad leaving was the option not cheating. All you had to do was say you needed to end it. 

Funny. Leaving often fixes the problems. Cheating magnifies them. What happened when you pulled the plug with the D?


----------



## Kimberley17

badbane said:


> Maam I have read over two hundred affair stories and your's is not different from the other ones that I have read. You honestly expect me and everyone else here to believe that your affair. The guilt from that affair" which you do have otherwise I doubt you would have taken the time to get on here." Had 0 to do with the failure of your marriage. You are lying to yourself and why go through all of this if you didn't feel any remorse or feel like you didn't do anything wrong? It doesn't make any sense. You said the marriage wasn't working but why wasn't it working two or three years ago?


As I explained earlier, this thread came from another thread I had started long ago and even now that we're divorced people were writing telling m to still tell him of the affair. So I started a new thread to get opinions. Why would I fel guilty now? I don't. I did at the time when I was still married but I don't at all now. Plus, what does your lecturing me have to do with my original question? We are divorced so whatever you are saying is a mute point. Things have been bad in my marriage for about 5 yrs. It didn't happen overnight. And where did I say I fel I didn't do anything wrong?? I KNOW I WAS WRONG!!!! It was a terrible thing to do. I do not condone cheating.


----------



## Kimberley17

Ovid said:


> If it was so bad leaving was the option not cheating. All you had to do was say you needed to end it.
> 
> Funny. Leaving often fixes the problems. Cheating magnifies them. What happened when you pulled the plug with the D?


What do you mean what happened? We talked and talked some more and decided it was over. We cried and agreed the kids were most important and always will be.


----------



## Kimberley17

FlyingThePhoenix said:


> Hello Kimberley,
> 
> 
> 
> *WOW! strong words! I stand corrected*, but only on some points though . Your remind of *Candy12* *thread*, she too has husband like yours, and but she had EA where you had a EA/PA. She ended her EA and sought IC and just today she posted a change in her husbands attitude towards their marriage. Her words sounded like she was happy for the first time in ages. She fighting for her marriage! like you but I think she'll make it.
> 
> *I'm sorry you had an affair and that requires time and energy to plan and execute, that time and energy should have been put into your marriage! You can't dispute this FACT! It's a FACT!*
> 
> *BUT!!!!!* We are talking about the past here, and your marriage ended. Be the *BEST PARENTS YOU CAN BE!* Teach the _hobbits_  the true meaning of *words and there actions.* You are now in a position to teach them what *RIGHT* from *WRONG* is!


Thanks for the nice words. You are correct and I KNOW having the affair was wrong. Terribly wrong. I do believe we still would have ended up divorced had I not done it. Sometimes things just don't work out. I bet if you ask Candy12 she would say she still loves her husband and wants to grow old with him. When the marriage counselor asked me if I wantd to grow old with him and I knew in my heart tha answer was no, I knew what had to be done. But now it's all about our kids and keeping them happy.


----------



## Ovid

Kimberley17 said:


> What do you mean what happened? We talked and talked some more and decided it was over. We cried and agreed the kids were most important and always will be.


He still needs the truth. It will take him time to deal with it, but he needs to know about that year of his life. I guarantee the truth will answer some questions and help move forward as a better person in the long run.


----------



## Squeakr

Kimberley17 said:


> I'm sorry. You couldn't be more wrong. How can you even make a comment like that when you didn't live in my marriage? How do you know what kind of husband he was? I'm not going to sit here and blame him but it was farrrr from good. Cheating on him was wrong but things were quite bad when I started. I do not feel guilty. I feel kind of justified as he never took me seriously. BUT i do know it was wrong. It was a terrible thing to do to him. We both deserve better than we had with each other.


This statement sounds like it came exactly from my wife's mouth (as do all of your posts). The funny thing is that now looking back, she says that she rewrote our history the last few years. She had checked out before her affair and I never was attentive enough or validating, but when she looks back now and talks to others, they never saw what she said was so evident for everyone. Yes neither of us was happy in our marriage, but only she was unhappy. I was just content and just thought it was the stagnant part of the marriage and I was never brought up in an emotional environment, so we had different expectations and experiences relating to the marriage. 

I say just move on and not tell him, as you never intended to in the first place. It is evident from all of your posts that your mind was made up before you ever started the thread, so there is no need to pursue this further.


----------



## Ovid

If you don't deal in the truth. Fix the lies you have told yourself and move forward, you are going to repeat yourself. I hope for your sake you learn, but I have a doubt.


----------



## StillSearching

I would not tell him. I would though tell your next husband before you marry him.


----------



## Squeakr

MrBrains said:


> I would not tell him. I would though tell your next husband before you marry him.


I agree, but then that blows the argument that he will never find out (as I can see it coming out at a later time, so it would be est to tell him now and not play him like the fool).


----------



## Tall Average Guy

Kimberley17 said:


> So, you respect her for being honest after the fact months later?? Interesting. But she had already lied to you ?? I don't get it.


Honesty is a big deal for a lot of people. 

I suspect your husband has his suspicions, even if he can't prove them. Admitting your mistakes could give him some finality, as well as show that you do truly regret them. Sweeping them away and ignoring them is not a sign of regret, but of being scared.

So when some one owns up to their mistakes and genuinely apologizes, it shows true remorse, as well as respect for that person. That can lead to respect being returned.


----------



## StillSearching

Squeakr said:


> I agree, but then that blows the argument that he will never find out (as I can see it coming out at a later time, so it would be est to tell him now and not play him like the fool).


So her deceptive ways will last forever. Even in a new relationship?


----------



## warlock07

You don't plan to tell him, why even ask ? May be at least you will remain a decent honest woman in his eyes.

But a few question:

Who did you cheat with ?

Are you still seeing that guy ?

How did you treat him during the affair ?

What is your relationship with your XH now ? How does he feel about the divorce ?

Do you think the affair hastened the end of the marriage ? You say you tried counseling? 

Reading a bit of your old post now
You were in counseling while in an affair ? Are you f*cking kidding me ? Are you so blind that you don't realize what you did ?


----------



## Kimberley17

badbane said:


> I see that you selectively answering questions so let me point some of what you said out.
> 
> No, neither of us was happy in that year but if there weren't changes happening in the relationship how can things have possibly been salvaged?
> 
> notice you said niether of us was happy that year. Not neither of us was happy. So at some point you both were happy.
> 
> Then you say this
> 
> We have a good co-parenting relationship now and I don't want that ruined for my kids.
> 
> Which mean you are able to maintain a friendly and good relationship now. So my question is that because the man you were having sex with is no longer in your life now?
> 
> I mean if your marriage was sooooo bad how come the failure of the marriage and the time of the affair are roughly at the same time?
> 
> Please don't skip my questions.


I don't mean to skip any questions.. There was a time we were both very happy. That seemed to change when we had our first baby. I will spare you the details of that unless you want to know. We always had the friendship thing down but as far as the partnrship of being in a realtionship we couldn't quite get that right after kids came. I ended my affair probably 6 months before we decided to divorce but the reason it was so close was because it really was done and we were both prolonging the inevitable (divorce). It's a shame that something so wonderful (kids) can sometimes ruin a relationship. It makes me sad but it is what it is. You don't have all the details but I do feel I did everything I could do to try to salvage the relationship. It just got to the point where I didn't have any feelings left for him.


----------



## warlock07

Kimberley17 said:


> Truthfully, I felt guilty at the time when we were married but I don't now. And I have to correct you. I did fight like hell for my marriage. I BEGGED my husband to go for counseling years ago when things started going downhill. He refused. Insisted we were fine. I told him the things that made me unhappy. Nothing changed and I became more and more miserable until my feelings were gone. I do not have any regret. I believe I tried everything to save my marriage before it was too late. I do not blame him soley for all the problems. I feel terrible guilt because I fell out of love with him when some people are capable of staying in love.


Right!! Maybe if you lie long enough, you can convince yourself that it is the truth.



> My husband and I are going through a divorce. After years of trying to get his attention to work on the marriage and being shoved aside we/I have called it quits. I am no longer in love with him. The thing is.. he now says he's had a revelation and realizes that he was a rotten husband. He says he is willing to do anything to get us (the kids and me) back. We tried counseling already but after it was too late for me so it didn't do any good other then solidify for me we are done. My question is how can I make this easier for him or deal with my own guilt about hurting him? He says he is absolutely miserable and I feel terrible. He is still in the house and plans to move out in 2 weeks, Maybe it will get better then ?


You should probably delete your threads if you wnated validation


----------



## jh52

Do you think there is any way for you ex to ever find out about your affair? One of your friends, one of his friends, your OM, etc.

In reading posts here on TAM and other sites, it seems that affairs always have a way of being found out - even many many years later.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Just one more question - do you think 5/10 years down the road when both you're ex and yourself work on relationship issues individually that you both may ever get back together? Crazier things have happened.


----------



## warlock07

Would your husband agree if he see this post ? I am curious. Would he agree that the affair was just the final cherry on the cake that ended the marriage ?

One more 

Did the guilt of the affair convince you to end the marriage while otherwise, you would have tried a little more time in counseling ?


----------



## Kimberley17

Who did you cheat with ? A married man I met online

Are you still seeing that guy ? No, not for almost a year.

How did you treat him during the affair ? I don't think I can objectively answer this because if I say the same you will say I couldn't possibly have and you'd be right. Things were so bad by that point we weren't even sleeping in the same bed anyway.

What is your relationship with your XH now ? How does he feel about the divorce ? We have a good co-parenting relationship. He didn't want it but knew it was for the best. 

Do you think the affair hastened the end of the marriage ? You say you tried counseling? yes, I believe it probably did hasten it. We tried counseling when I was already checked out and yes having the affair. I did BEG him to go to counseling long before I even started my affair just for the record. 

Reading a bit of your old post now
You were in counseling while in an affair ? Are you f*cking kidding me ? Are you so blind that you don't realize what you did ?[/QUOTE] Enlighten me, what did I do? IT WAS OVER IN MY HEART WHEN I HAD THE AFFAIR!!!!!


----------



## Kimberley17

warlock07 said:


> Would your husband agree if he see this post ? I am curious. Would he agree that the affair was just the final cherry on the cake that ended the marriage ?
> 
> One more
> 
> Did the guilt of the affair convince you to end the marriage while otherwise, you would have tried a little more time in counseling ?


I believe if he found out he would.. he knows how bad things were and takes 1/2 the blame as do I.


----------



## Grayson

Whoa! Back the truck up!



Kimberley17 said:


> I don't mean to skip any questions.. There was a time we were both very happy. That seemed to change when we had our first baby. I will spare you the details of that unless you want to know. We always had the friendship thing down but as far as the partnrship of being in a realtionship we couldn't quite get that right after kids came. I ended my affair probably 6 months before we decided to divorce but the reason it was so close was because it really was done and we were both prolonging the inevitable (divorce). *It's a shame that something so wonderful (kids) can sometimes ruin a relationship. *It makes me sad but it is what it is. You don't have all the details but I do feel I did everything I could do to try to salvage the relationship. It just got to the point where I didn't have any feelings left for him.


Let's see that again:



> It's a shame that something so wonderful (kids) can sometimes ruin a relationship.


Freudian slip? Do you, at some level, blame the kids for the failure if the marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07

> IT WAS OVER IN MY HEART WHEN I HAD THE AFFAIR!!!!!


You should have married yourself then. What the hell is that logic ? Marriage involves two people. You should be ashamed to say something like this.

The more I dig the more worse it gets. 



> Been married for 6 years now and we never had the greatest sex life even while dating. I knew that going in, *but married him for other reasons that seemed more important at the time.*


Ok, be honest here. Did you get a favorable financial settlement because of the guilt he carried for ending this marriage ?


----------



## Kimberley17

warlock07 said:


> Would your husband agree if he see this post ? I am curious. Would he agree that the affair was just the final cherry on the cake that ended the marriage ?
> 
> One more
> 
> Did the guilt of the affair convince you to end the marriage while otherwise, you would have tried a little more time in counseling ?


I missed your second question. No, what made me realize the marriage was definitley over was when the counselor asked if I could see spending the rest of my life with him and the answer i felt was no.


----------



## warlock07

Kimberley17 said:


> I believe if he found out he would.. he knows how bad things were and takes 1/2 the blame as do I.


Then tell him. maybe he will be angry for a while and then he can move on.


----------



## Kimberley17

Grayson said:


> Whoa! Back the truck up!
> 
> 
> 
> Let's see that again:
> 
> 
> 
> Freudian slip? Do you, at some level, blame the kids for the failure if the marriage?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OMG NOOOO! My kids are the most wonderful gifts in the world. I was just saying that to not be accused of blaming my ex. I guess I should have written it's a shame some men can't grow up and stop going out drinking until 3am when they have a family. Better?


----------



## warlock07

What site did you meet the OM? 

Social networking or a something for extramarital affairs ?

Was this guy married ?


----------



## Kimberley17

warlock07 said:


> You should have married yourself then. What the hell is that logic ? Marriage involves two people. You should be ashamed to say something like this.
> 
> The more I dig the more worse it gets.
> 
> 
> 
> Ok, be honest here. Did you get a favorable financial settlement because of the guilt he carried for ending this marriage ?


Why should I have married myself? That doesn't make any sense. Because I said the marriage was over in my heart when I had the affair? Would it be better to have had an affair while still in love with him. I'm confused. I did love my husband very much when I married him. I meant I married him because of his personality and not for the good sex. No, no favorable financial settlement at all. Actually, there was no settlement. We sold our house and split the small proceeds. You took that way out of context.


----------



## Kimberley17

MrBrains said:


> So her deceptive ways will last forever. Even in a new relationship?


I have often thought if I would tell the next guy I get serious with and I think I'll have to .. It's not going to be an easy conversation but necessary.


----------



## jh52

Kim

Your first post was about a year ago. You had nothing good to say about your husband then - why not just stop - since you are now both divorced.


----------



## Ovid

ok so he was out drinking at all hours, and you were banging another guy. You both sucked at M. You have no intention of ever telling him the truth. He gets to regret destroying the M with no knowledge of your part. Got it. Move along nothing to see here...


----------



## Kimberley17

warlock07 said:


> What site did you meet the OM?
> 
> Social networking or a something for extramarital affairs ?
> 
> Was this guy married ?[/QUOT
> 
> A site for extramarital affairs. You know the one...
> 
> Yes, he was married.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

BobSimmons said:


> just wanted to see how long it was before people started figuratively beating her with the big sticks..bit weird though.


Weird in what way?



> Let him live his life and you live yours.


Yep.


----------



## Squeakr

Kimberley17 said:


> I have often thought if I would tell the next guy I get serious with and I think I'll have to .. It's not going to be an easy conversation but necessary.


So why do you feel that you owe this to the next love interest in your life, but not the father of your children (who will be the main male role model and character in their life and help form their basis of what a good, moral, and just man should be)?

I think they both need to know.


----------



## southernsurf

You should tell him, I would want to know. Also the anger and hate he will have for you after hearing it may allow him to close the book and move on sooner knowing. Did he cheat or did you suspect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kimberley17

southernsurf said:


> You should tell him, I would want to know. Also the anger and hate he will have for you after hearing it may allow him to close the book and move on sooner knowing. Did he cheat or did you suspect.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I found out after we were separated that he was conversing and had met up with an ex for "coffee"..


----------



## doubletrouble

In an earlier post you say you felt (or feel) justified in having the affair. 

The marriage is over, what can it hurt to tell the guy? If you felt the affair was justified, then will HE feel the same way? 

What will you/he get out of you telling him the truth? This should benefit you, because you can confess and get a little guilt off your shoulders. But what does it do for him? And the kids?


----------



## Kimberley17

Squeakr said:


> So why do you feel that you owe this to the next love interest in your life, but not the father of your children (who will be the main male role model and character in their life and help form their basis of what a good, moral, and just man should be)?
> 
> I think they both need to know.


Only because we're divorced now and I don't want to hurt him. Knowing him he would blame himself more than blaming me anyway considering how things were in the relstionship.


----------



## walkonmars

You have no idea if he suspected all along that you were cheating right? Maybe he was waiting for you to come clean. We often advise BS to forgo MC if their spouse is cheating (what's the point). 

If he suspected you were cheating your revelation would give him (anger in the short term but) peace in the long term. 

You have no idea though right? 

Oh, and def tell your next partner that you cheated during marriage with a married man you met on a cheating web site. That's important info - dotcha think? Wouldn't you want to know that about a potential suitor?


----------



## Kimberley17

doubletrouble said:


> In an earlier post you say you felt (or feel) justified in having the affair.
> 
> The marriage is over, what can it hurt to tell the guy? If you felt the affair was justified, then will HE feel the same way?
> 
> What will you/he get out of you telling him the truth? This should benefit you, because you can confess and get a little guilt off your shoulders. But what does it do for him? And the kids?


This post was simply to get people's opinion on it. I have no intention of telling him at this point. No one knew about this affair. Not even my closest friends. No one. You know he's not going to feel the same way. C'mon..


----------



## Ovid

Kimberley17 said:


> I found out after we were separated that he was conversing and had met up with an ex for "coffee"..


Don't worry. You said your A had no effect on your M, so if he had one your M wasn't hurt by that A either...


----------



## Kimberley17

doubletrouble said:


> In an earlier post you say you felt (or feel) justified in having the affair.
> 
> The marriage is over, what can it hurt to tell the guy? If you felt the affair was justified, then will HE feel the same way?
> 
> What will you/he get out of you telling him the truth? This should benefit you, because you can confess and get a little guilt off your shoulders. But what does it do for him? And the kids?


And I did say I felt justified all the times he was nasty to me but in my heart I know it was terribly wrong.


----------



## Ovid

Did you ever tell the W of your OM? Or, was your OM justified in cheating too?


----------



## doubletrouble

Kimberley17 said:


> This post was simply to get people's opinion on it. I have no intention of telling him at this point. No one knew about this affair. Not even my closest friends. No one. You know he's not going to feel the same way. C'mon..


My fWW had an affair with a married man. Had we split up for other reasons, and she told me later, I'd feel like I'd been run through with a broadsword. 

Yeah I know, I took a poke at you there, but it seemed like an obvious thought too. You are smart enough to have already figured that out. But you have heard now from someone who's been cheated on, and that's how I would feel. 

You know the affair isn't something you feel proud about. And telling your ex means the OM's wife could learn of it. So although she has the right to know her hubby is a cheater, I'm sure you are thinking of the domino effect there as well. 

It's a bag of sh!t, to be sure. God bless you.


----------



## Squeakr

Kimberley17 said:


> This post was simply to get people's opinion on it. I have no intention of telling him at this point. No one knew about this affair. Not even my closest friends. No one. You know he's not going to feel the same way. C'mon..


You are sure about this? My wife said that her friends knew right after she had done it (she said they could tell, and this is what they confirmed to me), although the "skanks" were no friend of the marriage and just lived vicariously through her (well, they really didn't as I know they went through the same. I could tell just as they could tell with her, but definitely not friends of the marriage).


----------



## Kimberley17

A++ said:


> Is that also the same time you felt to spread your legs to another :gun:?


yep, that's about the time and it was sooo good. Much better sex than in my marriage like all affair sex is . Is that what you want to hear? Thought so.


----------



## jnj express

Do you think, just maybe, your A., was an EXIT A.

Don't tell, it serves no purpose, and actually may cause enmity tween you both, while co-parenting---co-parenting, needs to be/stay as peaceful as possible


----------



## seasalt

I remember your threads from last year. After Christmas you wrote that he had an epiphany and wanted to try to work with you and change his ways two weeks before he moved out. You described his tears. You sounded very touched but not at all moved.

You also disclosed your affair and said you would have to tell him if you were to reconcile. You didn't, so don't unless you liked seeing him look less of a man.

The participation in marriage councilling while in the affair doubly demonstrated your lack of integrity. If you're now feeling guilty about your behavior don't assuage your conscience by coming clean now. It's much too little and far too late.

It's my guess that you were driving nails into your marriage's coffin with your affair and knew you had to divorce to not have to disclose your betrayal in a reconcilliation attempt.

You were wrong for the wrong reason then don't be wrong again for a different but still selfish/wrong reason now.

Just sayin',

Seasalt


----------



## Kimberley17

Ovid said:


> Did you ever tell the W of your OM? Or, was your OM justified in cheating too?


Of course I didn't tell her. Why would I??? he was justified as well. If spouses can't keep each other happy we look elsewhere. Loser.


----------



## warlock07

> Why should I have married myself? That doesn't make any sense. Because I said the marriage was over in my heart when I had the affair? Would it be better to have had an affair while still in love with him. I'm confused.


Do I really have to explain this stuff ? Marriage involves two people. It is a legal and a social contract. Any decision you make involves two adults. If the H wants to make an investment risk, he will have to consider his wife's and kid's financial security.He takes a huge debt in the name of the family and spends it on gambling, the responsibility will fall on you too to repay it. If you want to unilaterally make decisions that hurt your spouse, you have no reason to be in a relationship.



> I did love my husband very much when I married him. I meant I married him because of his personality and not for the good sex.


Then you cheated him because of sex. If actions made him so repulsive, you would have waited until the divorce. 



Kimberley17 said:


> warlock07 said:
> 
> 
> 
> What site did you meet the OM?
> 
> Social networking or a something for extramarital affairs ?
> 
> Was this guy married ?
> 
> 
> 
> A site for extramarital affairs. You know the one...
> 
> Yes, he was married.
Click to expand...

All your reasons are down in the gutter. You couldn't even find a single guy to have an affair with ? What gave you the right to sh!t on other people's marriages ? You have every excuse for your marriage's demise but what right did you have to destroy other people's marriage ?

You are just a sh!tty selfish person. Delude yourself in self justifications you built on the grave of your family. 

Your affair ended the marriage. You disrespected your H, yourself and your kids by having an affair with a married guy you met on a cheaters site. You used the family money to conduct an affair. Have a honest look at yourself and your actions. 


Are you in a no-fault state ? 

Do you work ?

Does he pay alimony ?


----------



## Kimberley17

seasalt said:


> I remember your threads from last year. After Christmas you wrote that he had an epiphany and wanted to try to work with you and change his ways two weeks before he moved out. You described his tears. You sounded very touched but not at all moved.
> 
> You also disclosed your affair and said you would have to tell him if you were to reconcile. You didn't, so don't unless you liked seeing him look less of a man.
> 
> The participation in marriage councilling while in the affair doubly demonstrated your lack of integrity. If you're now feeling guilty about your behavior don't assuage your conscience by coming clean now. It's much too little and far too late.
> 
> It's my guess that you were driving nails into your marriage's coffin with your affair and knew you had to divorce to not have to disclose your betrayal in a reconcilliation attempt.
> 
> You were wrong for the wrong reason then don't be wrong again for a different but still selfish/wrong reason now.
> 
> Just sayin',
> 
> Seasalt


I felt terribly guilty being in counseling while carrying on the affair. Neither one of us did our part to try to make things better. His epiphany was short lived and was too late anyway. I was done.


----------



## Kimberley17

jnj express said:


> Do you think, just maybe, your A., was an EXIT A.
> 
> Don't tell, it serves no purpose, and actually may cause enmity tween you both, while co-parenting---co-parenting, needs to be/stay as peaceful as possible




What exactly is an exit affair? I wasn't expecting the OM to leave his wife for me to ride off into the sunset if that's what you mean.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> *Re: Now divorced but was having affair last year of marriage - Do I tell him?*


*HELL NO!*


You and your ex-husband have caused enough pain for the family.
You and your husband have hurt yourselves enough so there is no need for you to hurt him more now.


I do not think that you need to try and be some moral hero and give him the truth. His life will be better without knowing you chose another man over him while in the marriage.

The bottom line is this.


*You should take the avenue that will protect your children from further harm. No son wants to know that his mother humped another man while married to their father. That is a deep hurt.*

Kimberley
You wanted other opinions now you have them. In fact you have over 50 opinions. You have already stated that you are not going to tell your husband so why keep this thread open?


----------



## warlock07

Kimberley17 said:


> What exactly is an exit affair? I wasn't expecting the OM to leave his wife for me to ride off into the sunset if that's what you mean.


Using the confidence boost and the security of an affair to leave an unhappy marriage


----------



## doubletrouble

I'm wondering why you asked the question here...?


----------



## Kimberley17

doubletrouble said:


> I'm wondering why you asked the question here...?


What do you mean here? On TAM? On CWI?


----------



## Kimberley17

warlock07 said:


> Using the confidence boost and the security of an affair to leave an unhappy marriage


Well, there was no security as the affair had been over for months.. Not sure. It just kimd of got to the point of no return and I went with it.


----------



## Kimberley17

Mr Blunt said:


> *HELL NO!*
> 
> 
> You and your ex-husband have caused enough pain for the family.
> You and your husband have hurt yourselves enough so there is no need for you to hurt him more now.
> 
> 
> I do not think that you need to try and be some moral hero and give him the truth. His life will be better without knowing you chose another man over him while in the marriage.
> 
> The bottom line is this.
> 
> 
> *You should take the avenue that will protect your children from further harm. No son wants to know that his mother humped another man while married to their father. That is a deep hurt.*
> 
> Kimberley
> You wanted other opinions now you have them. In fact you have over 50 opinions. You have already stated that you are not going to tell your husband so why keep this thread open?


Is there a way I can close it? Guess I'll just stop responding. Thanks all for the opinions.


----------



## Squeakr

Kimberley17 said:


> Well, there was no security as the affair had been over for months.. Not sure. It just kimd of got to the point of no return and I went with it.


Yes, but the affair gave you the confidence to move on. You "admit" that your love for your H was gone and the marriage had been over for years, yet you stayed and didn't move on. The exit affair helped facilitate this push forward with the marriage.


----------



## Dread Pirate Roberts

Kimberley17 said:


> Of course I didn't tell her. Why would I??? he was justified as well. If spouses can't keep each other happy we look elsewhere. Loser.


K17 had sarcastic posts earlier, so who knows if this one was too, but what a horrible attitude. But as she is banned now, it's irrelevant, anyway

DPR


----------



## Ovid

Kimberley17 said:


> Of course I didn't tell her. Why would I??? he was justified as well. If spouses can't keep each other happy we look elsewhere. Loser.


Just wanted you to admit the truth and you did. You cheated because you think cheating is ok. No marriage is 100% happy so you will always cheat. That's is what you are and all you will ever be. I guess that makes you the loser. Have a nice life. I hope you get everything you deserve.


----------



## Calibre12

Are you still with your AP?


----------



## walkonmars

she ain't gonna ans - for some reason she's been banned


----------



## CEL

Thank you mods for banning her. I love you guys/gals if you even need a bear and are in my neck of woods let me know.


----------



## Dyokemm

Kimberly 17, 

I read your reply saying you didn't get why I felt the way I did, so I'll explain.

I admire honesty and truth in people above all else. It is very difficult sometimes to follow an honest course when we are in the wrong on something. Our natural reaction is to minimize, offer justifications, or hide these things.

I myself am a total straight shooter. I despise dishonesty in any form, whether through direct means or omitting important facts.

The fact that she could put on her big girl pants and admit fault, while it wasn't gonna save our relationship or give us another chance, was something I admired her for. It took courage to tell the truth. And in reality, it allowed us to remain friends. I could never have been friends with her after that if I thought she was a dishonest person.

It might be just me personally, but being honest altered how I looked at her from then on, and still does today.


----------



## TylerDurden

You knew that you were doing wrong but you don't regret it now. Are you a sociopath?


----------



## workindad

You may want to tell him out of respect for his health. He should have the chance to get tested for stds that you may have infected him with. It would be a shame for your children's father to become sick because something went untreated. 

You may also want to tell him so he can have closure. You can't truly know his thoughts. Maybe he hopes for reconciling one day with you. This information would likely help him move forward with a clearer mind. Would that not also be best for your children. 

I am assuming there is no paternal fraud and that he is the father of the children. 

In your case it probably best that the marriage ended as your description does not sound like a healthy environment for children. Hopefully your ex husband can find a new loving person to share his life with. 

Good luck
Wd
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lifeistooshort

I don't know that any good would come from telling him. I know people think it will give him closure but it might also give him an excuse not to evaluate his role in the failure of the marriage. There are some here that feel an affair is it, and once that happens nothing else matters, but the state of the marriage is more complicated than that. If you could have a discussion where you not only told him of the affair but he was also willing to listen to what happened in the marriage, then it might be productive. That's not about excusing your affair, it's about what he can take to his next relationship. If he'd just write off the whole marriage failure as your affair, it wouldn't do him any favors because then he'll carry his bad behavior forward, which hurts him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## weightlifter

DONT tell him unless it becomes part of your CURRENT situation or is hampering his recovery. Many men's egos self repair once they start "getting some" post break up.

Kimberly question on something I have always been trying to figure out:

1) Did you know ahead of time that you were going to cheat as in actual sex? If yes, by how much time.
2) If 1 above is yes. What goes thru your mind that "last faithful hour" as you drive somewhere to give yourself to another man fully. The time period I am interested in is say an hour or two before to about 1 minute into coitus? This is a psychology question not a sex question.


----------



## Squeakr

lifeistooshort said:


> I don't know that any good would come from telling him. I know people think it will give him closure but it might also give him an excuse not to evaluate his role in the failure of the marriage. There are some here that feel an affair is it, and once that happens nothing else matters, but the state of the marriage is more complicated than that. If you could have a discussion where you not only told him of the affair but he was also willing to listen to what happened in the marriage, then it might be productive. That's not about excusing your affair, it's about what he can take to his next relationship. If he'd just write off the whole marriage failure as your affair, it wouldn't do him any favors because then he'll carry his bad behavior forward, which hurts him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But don't you think that is an option that should be afforded to him? It doesn't seem fair that (as with all affairs) only one side has the necessary information. Maybe he was more responsible and maybe he wasn't, but he should be afforded that opportunity to know. It is the same as cheating and then never telling that the kids might not be his. He should have the opportunity to get the information and do with it as he pleases, IMHO.


----------



## jh52

Folks -- the originator of this thread has been banned


----------



## Onmyway

My wife said that we were both unhappy the year leading up to her affair too. But in reality I was happy until she started acting weird and treating me badly, which incidentally began right around the time that she started her affair. 

And even before I found out about her affair I was ready to leave her, and that was solely because of how her affair was affecting our marriage.

My W also stated that around a month before her A started that I told her that I didn't want to be with her anymore.

It's all a way for the cheater to justify the affair in their own mind, a way for them to feel that they were doing the right thing by cheating.

But who knows, you may be one of the exceptions, I know that you believe that you are. But we'll never know for sure, because you can't go back and erase your affair, or the fog that you were in.

But I will say this, regardless of whether the marriage was truly broken before your affair, or by your affair, you did the right thing in pursuing a divorce.

But think about this for a little while. After I found out about my WW's A, she said that after her A ended that she planned on staying with me until she graduated college, then she was going to leave me, because our marriage was broken and unhappy. But after I found out about her second affair she came out of the fog and wanted to stay with me. 

Perhaps the same thing would have happened to you had you been honest about your affair before divorce, maybe if you never had an affair to begin with you could have saved your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Grayson

weightlifter said:


> DONT tell him unless it becomes part of your CURRENT situation or is hampering his recovery. Many men's egos self repair once they start "getting some" post break up.
> 
> Kimberly question on something I have always been trying to figure out:
> 
> 1) Did you know ahead of time that you were going to cheat as in actual sex? If yes, by how much time.
> 2) If 1 above is yes. What goes thru your mind that "last faithful hour" as you drive somewhere to give yourself to another man fully. The time period I am interested in is say an hour or two before to about 1 minute into coitus? This is a psychology question not a sex question.


Since she's banned, she can't answer. But, since she said she found OM on a cheating website, odds are good that the answer to #1 is "yes."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## weightlifter

Many bans are short. Question 1 is a qualifier and clarifier to question 2 which is what I am interested in.


----------



## sinnister

I don't understand the sense of pride and accomplishment in succeeding to get somebody banned.

Some of you were just badgering at one point even though she had repeatedly answered your questions. And just because it was not what you wanted to hear you kept up the pressure.

SMH.


----------



## lordmayhem

Unless this one was a troll, which seems possible.

It seems like the typical unremorseful cheater thread that's designed to rile up the many hurting BSs here.


----------



## Grayson

sinnister said:


> I don't understand the sense of pride and accomplishment in succeeding to get somebody banned.
> 
> Some of you were just badgering at one point even though she had repeatedly answered your questions. And just because it was not what you wanted to hear you kept up the pressure.
> 
> SMH.


"Pride and accomplishment?"

Pointing out the ban to those who've asked direct questions of her following the ban is "pride and accomplishment?"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## doubletrouble

Kimberley17 said:


> What do you mean here? On TAM? On CWI?


No, why ask it at all? It appears you already made up your mind about it. People are saying "tell him tell him" and you don't seem to have changed your mind or really considered it. 

I do see you in a conundrum, and I think I even understand it to some degree, but coming to _this _board and asking, you're a smart girl and already know what most folks' answer will be.


----------



## Jellybeans

Why did it get banned?


----------



## Alyosha

I am a BS who doesn't get riled up by this kind of stuff anymore.

The behavior, justifications and rationalizations follow a standard script so closely, it is actually funny to me how many of these people still think their own situation is so unique.

My bottom line: the world is full of selfish, ****ty people who will grasp at anything that seems to justify their selfish, ****ty treatment of others. Entire industries have sprung up to supply these justifications and rationalizations to selfish, ****ty people for a price. They can pay all they want in time and money and they will still be selfish, ****ty people. AVOID THEM.


----------



## Grayson

Jellybeans said:


> Why did it get banned?


I'm guessing the "Loser." remark.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

LOL. That will do it! I didn't read the entire thread! Sometimes I wish each thread came with it's own Cliff Notes.


----------



## Jellybeans

She answered her own problem when she said that revealing it now would only cause him more hurt/pain. 

Sounds like she wasn't done pouring gasoline on his burning heart.

People amaze me.


----------



## Laila8

Kimberley17 said:


> Of course I didn't tell her. Why would I??? he was justified as well. If spouses can't keep each other happy we look elsewhere. Loser.


Wow. This is horrible. Someday you will understand the pain when someone decides to cheat on you because you "couldn't keep him happy."


----------



## SomedayDig

Kimberley17 said:


> This post was simply to get people's opinion on it. I have no intention of telling him at this point.


Yet another reason to ban the OP. 

Let's see...I'll start a thread asking if I should tell and get people's opinons, yet I sincerely have no desire nor intention to tell. I'm still a cake eater.


----------



## LongWalk

Banned for "loser" remark? That's hardly inflammatory
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

Name-calling/personal attacks goes against forum rules.


----------



## Grayson

LongWalk said:


> Banned for "loser" remark? That's hardly inflammatory
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Forum rule #1:



> 1. Treat others on the forum with dignity and respect.
> Personal attacks, hate speech, racist or sexist statements or attacks, sexual harassment, explicit sexual comments, promoting violence, will not be tolerated.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

I was trying to find the Rules, Grayson but couldn't find them when I did a search. Thanks for posting.


----------



## dusty4

Kimberley17 said:


> My husband and I have been divorced for 2 months. All we do is co-parent our children now. Our marriage was rocky for years and the last year of it I was having an affair.* I have no intentions of ever telling him* as I don't see the point now other than to hurt him. Looking for opinions on the subject..


If you have no intentions of ever telling him, what difference does make?




> If you think I should tell him please explian why and the same for if you don't think I should.


Ok, I'll bite.

If he is thinking the demise of the marriage is all his fault, or if he is struggling with why you wanted a divorce, or if he is wanting or hoping that you may get back together again.

If any of the above is true, then you OWE him the truth.

Otherwise, if he doesn't care that the marriage ended, and wants nothing to do with you other than taking care of the kids, then its a little late to give him the information you were too scared to give him in the first place.


----------



## dusty4

Kimberley17 said:


> I am not really considering it. It was brought up in another thread that I should tell him and was just wondering other people's thoughts. I have no plans to ever tell him. *I absolutely don't want to hurt him further*.


Thats not why you never wanted to tell him. You never wanted to tell him for your own convenience whether it be you are too scared or ashamed that you cheated, or just too scared to come clean.

Besides, in your other thread you already laid all the blame of the demise of the marriage at his feet. So don't let him know how you really are and keep letting him think its all his fault....when it absolutely is not.



> We would have divorced anyway. It wasn't working.


You described him as a husband who was attracted to you and desired you, and he desired for you to desire him. So if it wasn't working it was all on you, but you'll let him believe its all on him.



Ah, moot points even more so since I see the Banned status.


----------



## Amplexor

Grayson said:


> Forum rule #1:
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Correct. One Week Ban. Name Calling


----------



## LongWalk

The rules are not applied consistently
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Grayson

LongWalk said:


> The rules are not applied consistently
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Now THAT is a whole different conversation.... ;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Rookie4

LongWalk said:


> The rules are not applied consistently
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've been banned and so has Dig, and I think he would agree that the Mods do the best they can. Sometimes it's a very tough call to make.


----------



## Grayson

Rookie4 said:


> I've been banned and so has Dig, and I think he would agree that the Mods do the best they can. Sometimes it's a very tough call to make.


Having been on the receiving end of the ban-hammer, myself, I'll just say that, as was said in Orwell's _Animal Farm_, all animals are created equal. Some are more equal than others.

And then, as was said in _Forrest Gump_, that's all I have to say about that. ;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Rookie4

Philosophically speaking, I'm more likely to go with Orwell than I am a Hollywood script writer. LOL


----------



## Kimberley17

Calibre12 said:


> Are you still with your AP?


Nope. Haven't been for over a year now..


----------



## Kimberley17

TylerDurden said:


> You knew that you were doing wrong but you don't regret it now. Are you a sociopath?


Yes


----------



## Kimberley17

weightlifter said:


> DONT tell him unless it becomes part of your CURRENT situation or is hampering his recovery. Many men's egos self repair once they start "getting some" post break up.
> 
> Kimberly question on something I have always been trying to figure out:
> 
> 1) Did you know ahead of time that you were going to cheat as in actual sex? If yes, by how much time.
> 2) If 1 above is yes. What goes thru your mind that "last faithful hour" as you drive somewhere to give yourself to another man fully. The time period I am interested in is say an hour or two before to about 1 minute into coitus? This is a psychology question not a sex question.


The answer to number 1 is yes after a while it got to that point but there were steps taken to get me to that point. It started with just thinking about it to actually looking on a website to emailing someone to exchanging pictures to talking on the phone to setting up a meeting just for lunch. With each step my curiousity and desire grew and I went with it. The biggest turning point was the first kiss. I knew at that point I had really crossed the line. After that I got so caught up in it all (him) that I justified it to myself. Does that help give you any insight? I know it was a terrible thing to do..


----------



## Kimberley17

sinnister said:


> I don't understand the sense of pride and accomplishment in succeeding to get somebody banned.
> 
> Some of you were just badgering at one point even though she had repeatedly answered your questions. And just because it was not what you wanted to hear you kept up the pressure.
> 
> SMH.


Thank you and I agree. But I got banned... oh well.


----------



## Shaggy

Well, if you tell him or not, the thing you really have to worry about down the road will be karma.

So would telling him the truth help karma being less harsh?


----------



## warlock07

Kimberley17 said:


> The answer to number 1 is yes after a while it got to that point but there were steps taken to get me to that point. It started with just thinking about it to actually looking on a website to emailing someone to exchanging pictures to talking on the phone to setting up a meeting just for lunch. With each step my curiousity and desire grew and I went with it. The biggest turning point was the first kiss. I knew at that point I had really crossed the line. After that I got so caught up in it all (him) that I justified it to myself. Does that help give you any insight? I know it was a terrible thing to do..


Is the site free for women ? You would have been on a social network if you were just looking for someone to talk to. The site you went on is explicitly meant for cheaters.


----------



## aug

Kimberley17 said:


> TylerDurden said:
> 
> 
> 
> You knew that you were doing wrong but you don't regret it now. Are you a sociopath?
> 
> 
> 
> Yes
Click to expand...


lol

You would be an interesting person to know from a distance.


----------



## weightlifter

Kimberley17 said:


> The answer to number 1 is yes after a while it got to that point but there were steps taken to get me to that point. It started with just thinking about it to actually looking on a website to emailing someone to exchanging pictures to talking on the phone to setting up a meeting just for lunch. With each step my curiousity and desire grew and I went with it. The biggest turning point was the first kiss. I knew at that point I had really crossed the line. After that I got so caught up in it all (him) that I justified it to myself. Does that help give you any insight? I know it was a terrible thing to do..


Follow up if you dont mind. See I help people here and I am always trying to up my knowledge.

Timeline (rough amount of time) No details needed. Just numbers and hours days weeks months
Starting at first innocent contact to:

1) flirty texting or emails
2) flirty non nude pics eg bikini or underwear
3) Sexting
4) Topless pics
5) Full nude pics
6) Kiss mouth to mouth
7) Groping (over clothes)
8) Fondling (under bra)
9) Full petting under panties
10) oral/ handjob
11) PIV

I realize some will be the same time and some will be not done.

Did you do anything significant you didnt do for your husband? I find this one interesting. Affairs seem to have alot more anal than marriages.

Quickies or sex sessions?

This was emotional AND physical or just physical pleasure?

Any close calls to being caught? Did he ever confront or ask?


----------



## Harken Banks

Kimberley17 said:


> Of course I didn't tell her. Why would I??? he was justified as well. If spouses can't keep each other happy we look elsewhere. Loser.


Troll.


----------



## Kimberley17

warlock07 said:


> Is the site free for women ? You would have been on a social network if you were just looking for someone to talk to. The site you went on is explicitly meant for cheaters.


Yes. I never paid. You can receive email but not initiate sending unless you join. And yes it is explicity for cheaters.As I said it was a process. I went on the site and met someone. I guess that was the ultimate goal but actually going through with it is a different story. I did end up going through with it but it was a process. Never said I was looking for someone just to talk to. I was answering the question that was asked of me. Sorry if my answer was not to your liking but that's the way it happened.


----------



## Harken Banks

Kimberley17 said:


> The answer to number 1 is yes after a while it got to that point but there were steps taken to get me to that point. It started with just thinking about it to actually looking on a website to emailing someone to exchanging pictures to talking on the phone to setting up a meeting just for lunch. With each step my curiousity and desire grew and I went with it. The biggest turning point was the first kiss. I knew at that point I had really crossed the line. After that I got so caught up in it all (him) that I justified it to myself. Does that help give you any insight? I know it was a terrible thing to do..


I like this post. This kind of honesty is helpful. To me, the progression seems to be basically the same in so many affairs here. Taking a step out of bounds for the excitement and to see what will happen next. Response and resulting exhilaration. And then a further step for the excitement and to see what will happen next.


----------



## Kimberley17

Harken Banks said:


> Troll.


What is a troll??


----------



## Kimberley17

weightlifter said:


> Follow up if you dont mind. See I help people here and I am always trying to up my knowledge.
> 
> Timeline (rough amount of time) No details needed. Just numbers and hours days weeks months
> Starting at first innocent contact to:
> 
> 1) flirty texting or emails
> 2) flirty non nude pics eg bikini or underwear
> 3) Sexting
> 4) Topless pics
> 5) Full nude pics
> 6) Kiss mouth to mouth
> 7) Groping (over clothes)
> 8) Fondling (under bra)
> 9) Full petting under panties
> 10) oral/ handjob
> 11) PIV
> 
> I realize some will be the same time and some will be not done.
> 
> Did you do anything significant you didnt do for your husband? I find this one interesting. Affairs seem to have alot more anal than marriages.
> 
> Quickies or sex sessions?
> 
> This was emotional AND physical or just physical pleasure?
> 
> Any close calls to being caught? Did he ever confront or ask?[/QUO
> 
> He emailed me, I thought he was hot and we emailed back and forth for about 2 weeks with each email getting flirtier. We exchanged sexy pics within that time. Spoke on the phone and set up meeting for lunch at about the 2 week mark. Kissed that time and met for sex a week later. We had a few quickies in the car after that when meeting for lunch or somwthing but mostly got rooms. Averging about once every 10 days to 2 weeks. It was emotional and physical. No close calls to being caught. My husband had no idea. And yes, we did more than I ever did with my husband. My husband wasn't into certain things that OM was. I didn't do more "to" OM but as I said there were things my husband didn't care for the OM and I did.


----------



## Squeakr

A troll is someone that comes into a forum with the specific intent to cause havoc. They create unreal scenarios and situations and then use these to "stir" the proverbial pot and illicit hatred and cause pain with their posts.


----------



## Kimberley17

Squeakr said:


> A troll is someone that comes into a forum with the specific intent to cause havoc. They create unreal scenarios and situations and then use these to "stir" the proverbial pot and illicit hatred and cause pain with their posts.


Wow, that was not my intention at all. My posts that were sarcastic was just in response to being somewhat attacked. I have been on this baord a while now and posted while I was still married and involved in the affair. Someone in an old post suggested I tell my now ex of the affair and it made me think. I just wanted to hear what people who have been through this thought. I am not looking to hurt anyone. This is just my reality .. not at all proud of it in spite of what others on here think.


----------



## MSP

I don't think you are a troll, Kimberly. I do think that your behavior has been selfish to a pathological degree. It is hard to comprehend how someone can spend so long here among all the pain caused by affairs and still not only choose to do it too, but to show no real remorse.


----------



## Squeakr

This may not have been your intent, but lately there have been lots of troll posts. In these posts the OP comes in and presents a question and asks for advice. Then the entire time, they shoot down all suggested advice, state that they have a view point and no one is going to change it, and then start to become abusive and attacking towards the posters (which are usually BS's) illicitting hurt and anguish on the posters. Generally they stop posting after a few replies and only show up sporadically to "stir the pot" and insult the respondents. I hope that you can see where people would possibly view this as a possible troll post (and yes people who are members for a long time can troll as well, but generally it is newly joined members that do this) as you asked a question but then just shot down all responses and point blank stated you were not going to tell (posters saw this as a why even ask it if you are not open to advice posts other than to troll? and then you got banned which added some support to that thought).


----------



## Kimberley17

MSP said:


> I don't think you are a troll, Kimberly. I do think that your behavior has been selfish to a pathological degree. It is hard to comprehend how someone can spend so long here among all the pain caused by affairs and still not only choose to do it too, but to show no real remorse.


I completely agree it was selfish. But how do you come to the conclusion that I am not remorseful? I am completely ashamed and disappointed in myself that I did something so terrible. No one deserves to be made a fool of like that. I have said many many time how wrong I was and I should have handled things much differently. But what's done is done and all I can do is move forward and make better decisions in the future.


----------



## Kimberley17

Squeakr said:


> This may not have been your intent, but lately there have been lots of troll posts. In these posts the OP comes in and presents a question and asks for advice. Then the entire time, they shoot down all suggested advice, state that they have a view point and no one is going to change it, and then start to become abusive and attacking towards the posters (which are usually BS's) illicitting hurt and anguish on the posters. Generally they stop posting after a few replies and only show up sporadically to "stir the pot" and insult the respondents. I hope that you can see where people would possibly view this as a possible troll post (and yes people who are members for a long time can troll as well, but generally it is newly joined members that do this) as you asked a question but then just shot down all responses and point blank stated you were not going to tell (posters saw this as a why even ask it if you are not open to advice posts other than to troll? and then you got banned which added some support to that thought).


Thanks for explaining. I did get banned because I called someone a loser who was berating me. This is really a no win. If i say I want to tell him some say I'm wrong and even more selfish. If I say I am not going to tell him some give me the same response. Can't someone post a question just to get others' point of view? That was my only intention. I also don't believe just because a person has made poor selfish choices in the past that it nakes them an overall evil person as some on here think. Although, I realize that is probably hurt talking..


----------



## Harken Banks

Kimberley17 said:


> I completely agree it was selfish. But how do you come to the conclusion that I am not remorseful? I am completely ashamed and disappointed in myself that I did something so terrible. No one deserves to be made a fool of like that. I have said many many time how wrong I was and I should have handled things much differently. But what's done is done and all I can do is move forward and make better decisions in the future.


Self-flagellation is pointless and looking forward is healthy, but what have you done for the damage in your wake? 

The term "remorse" is used a lot in this forum. I don't see the value. I would rather see commitment to repair.


----------



## MSP

Kimberley17 said:


> I completely agree it was selfish. But how do you come to the conclusion that I am not remorseful? I am completely ashamed and disappointed in myself that I did something so terrible. No one deserves to be made a fool of like that. I have said many many time how wrong I was and I should have handled things much differently. But what's done is done and all I can do is move forward and make better decisions in the future.


Your entire focus in every thread of yours I've read has been looking for advice on how to be selfish without feeling bad about it.


----------



## Kimberley17

MSP said:


> Your entire focus in every thread of yours I've read has been looking for advice on how to be selfish without feeling bad about it.


here we go again... please explain why you've come to that conclusion? And how is that possible when I DO feel badly about it. Hmmm.


----------



## Kimberley17

Harken Banks said:


> Self-flagellation is pointless and looking forward is healthy, but what have you done for the damage in your wake?
> 
> The term "remorse" is used a lot in this forum. I don't see the value. I would rather see commitment to repair.


 Not sure what you mean. What should I be doing? I have made the decision never to make the same mistakes and poor choices in the future.


----------



## Harken Banks

Kimberley17 said:


> Not sure what you mean. What should I be doing? I have made the decision never to make the same mistakes and poor choices in the future.


I may be wrong, but you seem to continue to see this as only about you.


----------



## MattMatt

Tell him. Surely you owe him that much consideration?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Squeakr

Kimberley17 said:


> Thanks for explaining. I did get banned because I called someone a loser who was berating me. This is really a no win. If i say I want to tell him some say I'm wrong and even more selfish. If I say I am not going to tell him some give me the same response. Can't someone post a question just to get others' point of view? That was my only intention. I also don't believe just because a person has made poor selfish choices in the past that it nakes them an overall evil person as some on here think. Although, I realize that is probably hurt talking..


I am sorry that you feel this way. Maybe if you just want to ask a question, it shouldn't include personal background and be a very vague and generalized question and not relating it to yourself. This is just my opinion, but your post basically said I did this in the past and am not telling him, tell me why should I?

Fromt the BS point of view, we are saying it is not fair to keep him in the dark, he should be let in so he can address this and deal with it for himself as well (as a BS we carry lots around inside us and having the full story helps us to come to terms and move on). You have the full story, so you can easily move on, but he isn't as lucky.

As to the selfish decisions and being viewed as overall evil, some may have that view but most only take that view when the selfish decisions continue to be made and the person seems to have a sort of entitlement to continue making those same selfish decisions (such as saying I owe my spouse nothing, the BS deserves to get this treatment, etc). 

I am not trying to say that is what you are doing, but from my point of view it does seem that you feel you owe him nothing after all that you have done. You were married for years and have a child, I would think that you would want to extend him these common courtesies so he may be a happy and healthy person and move on from this. Just my $0.02 (and others disagree with my view and have their right to their opinion, just don't insult them when they express it  :.


----------



## Kimberley17

Harken Banks said:


> I may be wrong, but you seem to continue to see this as only about you.


So, are you one of the people who think I should tell him? I have to be honest... I'm thinking about it now. Some on here say I should or I'm being selfish. Others say I'm selfish if I do tell him at this point. I'm not sure what the right thing to do it at this point. Will it make him feel better or worse? No way to know. It's not about me right now.


----------



## Harken Banks

Honestly, I do not know whether you should tell him. There is too much that I do not know to have an opinion on that. I think you should spend some time thinking through this one yourself.

How is he today? How was the last year plus of your marriage for him? Was he confused? Hurt? Did it take an emotional, psychological, or physical toll? Does he question himself or why the marriage ended. Does he understand that any effort he made in that time could not have helped? 

I have a good friend who is now 3 years divorced from his wife of 15 years with 2 young children (late teens now) and it was only in talking to him in the past year that I connected up that his wife was having an affair for the last years of his marriage while it ended and they were in counseling and his reaction was to smile and shrug. She is married now to AP. And he is happier without her. It would not help or hurt him today for his ex to come forward with what she had was doing during their marriage. Probably an unsual case. He experienced pain in the process (was even hospitalized for anxiety which he mistook for a heart attack a couple of times -he is a fit, healthy, and lean guy), but today he could care less about what his ex was up to during their marriage, or after for that matter.


----------



## MSP

Kimberley17 said:


> here we go again... please explain why you've come to that conclusion? And how is that possible when I DO feel badly about it. Hmmm.


What you say and what you do are totally at odds and always have been here.

Your first posts were you justifying your affair, because your husband wasn't everything you wanted him to be. You said you knew it was wrong, but you continued to do it. You asked people about how their affairs had been discovered, quite possibly so you could hide yours better. You stated from the beginning that you had absolutely no inclination of ever confessing it to your husband. 

It seems that you just fish for validation for your feelings without ever actually taking any advice that contradicts your initial intentions.


----------



## Ovid

Kimberley17 said:


> Thanks for explaining. I did get banned because I called someone a loser who was berating me.


I didn't berate you. I asked a question. You decided to take it as a personal attack.


----------



## LongWalk

Harken Banks said:


> Honestly, I do not know whether you should tell him. There is too much that I do not know to have an opinion on that. I think you should spend some time thinking through this one yourself.
> 
> How is he today? How was the last year plus of your marriage for him? Was he confused? Hurt? Did it take an emotional, psychological, or physical toll? Does he question himself or why the marriage ended. Does he understand that any effort he made in that time could not have helped?
> 
> I have a good friend who is now 3 years divorced from his wife of 15 years with 2 young children (late teens now) and it was only in talking to him in the past year that I connected up that his wife was having an affair for the last years of his marriage while it ended and they were in counseling and his reaction was to smile and shrug. She is married now to AP. And he is happier without her. It would not help or hurt him today for his ex to come forward with what she had was doing during their marriage. Probably an unsual case. He experienced pain in the process (was even hospitalized for anxiety which he mistook for a heart attack a couple of times -he is a fit, healthy, and lean guy), but today he could care less about what his ex was up to during their marriage, or after for that matter.


At a certain point ex's become unimportant, beyond a general wish that they have their shı† together enough to function well as parents. If they are happy with someone else, that only reduces friction.


----------



## Machiavelli

Tell him so he will know to DNA the kids.


----------



## LongWalk

Kimberley17 said:


> So, are you one of the people who think I should tell him? I have to be honest... I'm thinking about it now. Some on here say I should or I'm being selfish. Others say I'm selfish if I do tell him at this point. I'm not sure what the right thing to do it at this point. Will it make him feel better or worse? No way to know. It's not about me right now.


I don't see the point in telling him now. He may not care. But you may also just cause him unnecessary injury. To what purpose would you do it? Only to make yourself feel better.

If you want to make some sort of recompense you could buy him some thoughtful present, something you know he'd like, and send it to him with a note to say that he's great guy and deserves to know it even if you aren't together anymore.

Can't remember if he is remarried, if so add best regards to his new SO.


----------



## Kimberley17

Machiavelli said:


> Tell him so he will know to DNA the kids.


Funny... the kids were here prior to me having the affair but thanks for your concern.


----------



## Kimberley17

MSP said:


> What you say and what you do are totally at odds and always have been here.
> 
> Your first posts were you justifying your affair, because your husband wasn't everything you wanted him to be. You said you knew it was wrong, but you continued to do it. You asked people about how their affairs had been discovered, quite possibly so you could hide yours better. You stated from the beginning that you had absolutely no inclination of ever confessing it to your husband.
> 
> It seems that you just fish for validation for your feelings without ever actually taking any advice that contradicts your initial intentions.


At the time I was angry and did feel somewhat justified in having the affair. Although, I did feel guilty and knew it was wrong I felt because he was treating me badly I was in a way justified. I. WAS. WRONG. I don't know how many times I can say it. It was my first and only affair. People do do things in life they know are wrong. So, am I understanding correctly you are of the mindset I should tell him? I think at this point it would hurt him very much to know what I did but at the same time it might help him. I am torn because the marriage was ruined anyway. He would admit that today as well. But how could he not be hurt? I would be. It's a blow to someone's ego. I have nothing to lose or gain by telling him now so why are some of you saying it's selfish to tell or not to tell? Is ignorance ever bliss?


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

You were screwing someone for a year but denying sex to your husband for a year and you claimed you did everything to save the marriage.

Did he have any guilt for D You? Did he blame himelf for the failure of the marriage, if any of the answer is yes then tell him, so that he can move on with his life without any burden in his heart


----------



## Squeakr

Kimberley17 said:


> I think at this point it would hurt him very much to know what I did but at the same time it might help him. I am torn because the marriage was ruined anyway. He would admit that today as well. But how could he not be hurt? I would be. It's a blow to someone's ego. I have nothing to lose or gain by telling him now so why are some of you saying it's selfish to tell or not to tell? Is ignorance ever bliss?


You are probably right in that it would hurt him. He probably admits to the marriage being ruined, but he might harbor feelings that he did something wrong to further it along at the end. There is nothing like feeling that you are working towards reconciliation (why else would you go to MC) and then finding out that everything you did was for naught. He might harbor feelings that if he had done something else during that R period it could have resulted differently. It might be nice for him to know that you were cheating on him during that time and not truly committed to R, so nothing he could have done would have changed the outcome (this can be a huge weight off of his shoulders and would be something you could offer him). Sometimes the hurt can cause more healing as it puts to rest the unknown.

It is selfish, because you have nothing to lose or gain so don't see the point in doing it. Think about him this time and how it might help him along and to heal. Can you not see how that thought of "it benefits me in no way, so why do it" is considered selfish??

Ignorance is only bliss when no one knows and never finds out. Once the blinders are pulled off, then the knowledge is worse than it could have originally been. He more than likely will find out down the road (whether you believe this or not) as the truth always has a way of coming out and it will probably be worse for him then.


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## badbane

kim Your exhusband is probably staying up at night trying to piece together why the woman he loved. Spent so much time with and on trying build relationship is not gone. The truth of the matter is "by your own timeline" is that the marriage tanked roughly the same time the A. Started, and by that I mean you stopped working on the marriage and started looking for a way out. Now you can say what you want. You know you were wrong. But he is trying to figure out his life right now. You have no idea what you really did because you got away with it. Your Ex deserves to know that you checked out of the marriage, you were unfaithful, and that you didn't have the guts to come to him to try to fix the marriage before you jumped into bed with Another man. 

He only knows that you are gone. He deserves to know the truth so he can move on because right now you are just prolonging the pain.


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## badbane

Kimberley17 said:


> I'm sorry. You couldn't be more wrong. How can you even make a comment like that when you didn't live in my marriage? How do you know what kind of husband he was? I'm not going to sit here and blame him but it was farrrr from good. Cheating on him was wrong but things were quite bad when I started. I do not feel guilty. I feel kind of justified as he never took me seriously. BUT i do know it was wrong. It was a terrible thing to do to him. We both deserve better than we had with each other.


There is a term on here that we are all familiar with on TAM called the "Affair Fog". It is the alternate state people get into once they have fallen into an affair. One common symptom of "Affair Fog" is history being rewritten. a slightly distant husband becomes a totally absent husband. A loving husband becomes a possessive, clingy, and jealous husband. How could I say that because you story isn't original. Your script has been written. Everything points to a textbook exit Affair. What I am trying to do is point out the flaws and likely points of failure where you allowed your marriage to fail. That right no marriage is perfect. They have ups downs. I married a woman recovering from verbal and emotional abuse. I took on her two kids at age twenty. I watched her become health I watched our relationship blossom. I watched as my issues and her issues pull us apart. and I was stabbed in the gut when I had to end her EA. 

Knowing that something is wrong is one thing. But you still haven't owned up to the fact that you gave up. He deserves to know that because I am willing to bet he didn't give up. He probably is trying to understand where it all went wrong. Every single marriage has problems. ALL of them, and people find ways to make them work in situations 10x more difficult than your own. I am pointing out that your marriage didn't just run it's natural course. You met another man and suddenly your marriage wasn't worth mantaining? I really don't think you have gotten out of the fog dear. 

Believe me I have no stake in this. I am a third party that has read threads like this and have rooted for women like you. Except they actually wanted to figure out what really went wrong. 
That's how I can say what I say. You are free to stay on your current path of denial and guilt. However there is a way out. 
1 be honest with your self and everyone that the marriage wasn't perfect. However it was your actions and decisions that lead to the end of the marriage. (not events that happened so far in the past that you had the dredge them all up in order to justify the A and the Divorce.) 
2 Contact an IC and find someone you can talk to someone outside of this site. 
3 understand that you are still holding onto the fact that the problems in your marriage somehow justify the affair. The problems in the marriage are there and you should have dealt with the with your H. 

There are stories where I have seen where the BS is somewhat liable for an affair. Those stories usually involve threesomes, and open marriages gone bad. I am not going to call you names or insult you. But I will point out times when your statements, and your actions are both misguided by denial, guilt, and "affair fog"


----------



## Harken Banks

_I do not feel guilty. I feel kind of justified_

Says everything. Leave the guy alone.

This is right next door to "he deserved it and every bit of pain that came with it." Ask me how I know.


----------



## happyman64

HB


We all know how you know.

And it still makes me very sad.

And Kimberly telling her ExH now does more harm than good to him.

She needs to live with it and deal with it on her own.

Period.

There is absolutely no good reason why she should blow his ego apart after all this time especially if they are divorced.

Leave the Affair dead and buried. WHere it belongs.

HM64


----------



## Onmyway

Kimberley17 said:


> At the time I was angry and did feel somewhat justified in having the affair. Although, I did feel guilty and knew it was wrong I felt because he was treating me badly I was in a way justified. I. WAS. WRONG. I don't know how many times I can say it. It was my first and only affair. People do do things in life they know are wrong. So, am I understanding correctly you are of the mindset I should tell him? I think at this point it would hurt him very much to know what I did but at the same time it might help him. I am torn because the marriage was ruined anyway. He would admit that today as well. But how could he not be hurt? I would be. It's a blow to someone's ego. I have nothing to lose or gain by telling him now so why are some of you saying it's selfish to tell or not to tell? Is ignorance ever bliss?


No, once you started your A your marriage was ruined.

It may have need work prior to your affair, it may even have been bad enough for you to D, but no one will ever know now, because your affair ruined it.

I'm on the "tell him" side, particularly since my W never planned on telling me, and yet I knew something was up anyways. I spent a lot of time wondering what was wrong with me, what am I doing to make her unhappy, and then I found out about her affair and all of the pieces fell in to place. Sure, our marriage was going through a rough patch before her A, but her A magnified everything. Even when I didn't know about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Laila8

Tell him. He deserves to know, and it will kill any lingering feelings he may still have for you, allowing him to fully move on.


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## weightlifter

Thank you Kim. I assume sexy pics=nude?
3 weeks. from 0 to sex. thank you for the answer.


----------



## Shaggy

So Kim, what I see here is an ex husband whose wife cheated on him, never told him the truth, and divorced him. 

He's now alone and miserable.

You got your thrills and gave stuff to the other man who did almost no effort to woo or romance you, none at all in fact. So the OM is very happy. He put in no effort, but got himself easy kinky sex a bunch of times.

The only one who lost out here is your husband. He didn't get any sex, he put in a lot of work on you and the marriage, but you had your affair to keep you happy, do hubby bit divorce papers and now gets to play weekend dad and still pay the bills.

I think you should be decent to him for a change and at least tell him the honest truth about why you didn't put an honest equal effort into fixing the marriage.


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## weightlifter

Kim IS your ex husband dating?


----------



## Kimberley17

weightlifter said:


> Thank you Kim. I assume sexy pics=nude?
> 3 weeks. from 0 to sex. thank you for the answer.


Not nude... bikini type.


----------



## Kimberley17

weightlifter said:


> Kim IS your ex husband dating?


No idea... it's not like he'd tell me. We both agreed that we would tell the other person if it got serious to the point we wanted to introduce the person to our kids.


----------



## Kimberley17

Shaggy said:


> So Kim, what I see here is an ex husband whose wife cheated on him, never told him the truth, and divorced him.
> 
> He's now alone and miserable.
> 
> You got your thrills and gave stuff to the other man who did almost no effort to woo or romance you, none at all in fact. So the OM is very happy. He put in no effort, but got himself easy kinky sex a bunch of times.
> 
> The only one who lost out here is your husband. He didn't get any sex, he put in a lot of work on you and the marriage, but you had your affair to keep you happy, do hubby bit divorce papers and now gets to play weekend dad and still pay the bills.
> 
> I think you should be decent to him for a change and at least tell him the honest truth about why you didn't put an honest equal effort into fixing the marriage.


You're pretty much right about everything you said except one thing... I fell out of love with him and didn't have the desire to put an honest effort into fixing it. If I was just in the affair fog wouldn't I be regretting divorcing him now? Bc I don't. And I pay my own bills just for the record.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Was he watching your kids while your your having sex with the other man?


----------



## Kimberley17

2asdf2 said:


> The problem with wanting others' point of view is that you (until your last posting) have been very adamant that your own point of view is the correct one.
> 
> Why would you be interested in others' POV, then? To stir trouble, since your POV is opposed to that of the vast majority of posters here?
> 
> Perhaps you'd care to elaborate as to your reasons in some greater detail. I, for one, am not convinced. (Not that it matters.  )


My mind has been changed and I am now thinking I owe it to him to tell him. That seems to be the general consensus of what the right thing to do is. Thanks everyone.


----------



## LostViking

Kimberley17 said:


> You're pretty much right about everything you said except one thing... I fell out of love with him and didn't have the desire to put an honest effort into fixing it. If I was just in the affair fog wouldn't I be regretting divorcing him now? Bc I don't. And I pay my own bills just for the record.


Sounds to me like you just dont give a hoot what he feels. If you dont regret the affair, the divorce or leaving him, then why have we been through this pointless excercise? I dont get it.


----------



## Rookie4

happyman64 said:


> HB
> 
> 
> We all know how you know.
> 
> And it still makes me very sad.
> 
> And Kimberly telling her ExH now does more harm than good to him.
> 
> She needs to live with it and deal with it on her own.
> 
> Period.
> 
> There is absolutely no good reason why she should blow his ego apart after all this time especially if they are divorced.
> 
> Leave the Affair dead and buried. WHere it belongs.
> 
> HM64


I disagree most strongly. The husband's issues aren't buried are they? Why shouldn't he , at least , know about her cra**y behavior? It might ease any guilt he has for the marriage breakup. And might possibly help the OP to be a little less selfish, if she actually has to come clean about her A.


----------



## Kimberley17

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Was he watching your kids while your your having sex with the other man?


No. It was typically during the day while he was at work.


----------



## Kimberley17

LostViking said:


> Sounds to me like you just dont give a hoot what he feels. If you dont regret the affair, the divorce or leaving him, then why have we been through this pointless excercise? I dont get it.


OMG really?? I have said numerous times I DO regret how I handled things. It was very very wrong. But no, I don't regret divorcing him. He deserves to find someone who loves him. I was asking a question that has nothing to do with whether or not I regret anything. geez


----------



## LostViking

Kimberley17 said:


> OMG really?? I have said numerous times I DO regret how I handled things. It was very very wrong. But no, I don't regret divorcing him. He deserves to find someone who loves him. I was asking a question that has nothing to do with whether or not I regret anything. geez


Understood. You just seemed to vascillate a bit. If your conscience tells you to tell him then do so.


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## Aerith

I would avoid to create more drama if it's not necessary... Do you think your truth is going help him to move on or will cause him more pain?


----------



## Squeakr

Kimberley17 said:


> No idea... it's not like he'd tell me. We both agreed that we would tell the other person if it got serious to the point we wanted to introduce the person to our kids.


So do you think he owes this kindness to you? You brought someone else into your marriage and never told him (and until recently have had no intention of ever telling him), yet during/ after the divorce you thought it a good idea to enter into an agreement to tell the other if you were seriously dating someone else before introducing to your kids?? Wow this is definitely selfish to think that you should have some right to this. In all of your prior posts you have said you owe him nothing, yet think that he (or you) should owe you this the other, why? Is it because you think that you should get to meet and have an idea of the person that is entering his and the kids lives (and how it may change all), yet you don't feel that you owe him the same (as your affair changed you)? This whole new development changes things in my opinion.

I think that if you decide to not tell him (which is your right), then you should also dissolve the agreement to tell the other about serious people in their lives before introducing to the kids as it seems like the only fair thing to do.


----------



## weightlifter

I think you will hurt him. Let him think the D is just falling out of love. The consensus here looks more like punish Kim than help BH. I just dont see what the BH gets besides mind movies and triggers.


----------



## bryanp

I think it is indeed a kindness if you tell him. If he had any guilt about divorcing then it would disappear once he found out you were engaged in an affair. He would have no problem moving on knowing he made the correct decision.


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## Kimberley17

Is there a way to close a thread? I would like to close this..

It's totally turned into a mess...


----------



## Kimberley17

weightlifter said:


> I think you will hurt him. Let him think the D is just falling out of love. The consensus here looks more like punish Kim than help BH. I just dont see what the BH gets besides mind movies and triggers.


Thank you weightlifter. You've been one of the kind people to respond. Things are not always as black or white as some here seem to think.


----------



## Kimberley17

Squeakr said:


> So do you think he owes this kindness to you? You brought someone else into your marriage and never told him (and until recently have had no intention of ever telling him), yet during/ after the divorce you thought it a good idea to enter into an agreement to tell the other if you were seriously dating someone else before introducing to your kids?? Wow this is definitely selfish to think that you should have some right to this. In all of your prior posts you have said you owe him nothing, yet think that he (or you) should owe you this the other, why? Is it because you think that you should get to meet and have an idea of the person that is entering his and the kids lives (and how it may change all), yet you don't feel that you owe him the same (as your affair changed you)? This whole new development changes things in my opinion.
> 
> I think that if you decide to not tell him (which is your right), then you should also dissolve the agreement to tell the other about serious people in their lives before introducing to the kids as it seems like the only fair thing to do.


First of all, it was his suggestion to do this and yes, I absolutely agree a heads up is a good idea when we will be bringing the kids into something like that. Thay are very young. My affair and our marital issues have nothing to do with how things are handled with the kids. It's not about me meeting the other person or vice versa. I wouldn't request to meet her. It's just a respect as coparents and to know what's going on with our kids when with the other parent. Sorry you can't wrap your head around that.


----------



## weightlifter

Make no mistake. I blame you for A. I rather doubt he feels guilty over the D.

Kim I would suggest low level intel to make sure he is OK then if he is. LEAVE HIM THE EFF ALONE! Talk only about your kids and D issues related to the D itself like money or child support.

LET HIM LIVE LIFE CHAPTER 2

GET YOURSELF TOGETHER to live that same chapter. Get those cheating issues resolved!

One final question. How did you first meet the AP?


----------



## Kimberley17

weightlifter said:


> Make no mistake. I blame you for A. I rather doubt he feels guilty over the D.
> 
> Kim I would suggest low level intel to make sure he is OK then if he is. LEAVE HIM THE EFF ALONE! Talk only about your kids and D issues related to the D itself like money or child support.
> 
> LET HIM LIVE LIFE CHAPTER 2
> 
> GET YOURSELF TOGETHER to live that same chapter. Get those cheating issues resolved!
> 
> One final question. How did you first meet the AP?


I understand as you should. It was 100% my choice. I own my actions/choices. Our only interaction now is regarding this kids. He is trying to get his life together as am I. I thought I anseered that question. I met him on a website designed to help people fin an AP. Why do you ask so many questions? I don't mind answering them but what is the reason?


----------



## walkonmars

weightlifter said:


> I think you will hurt him. Let him think the D is just falling out of love. The consensus here looks more like punish Kim than help BH. I just dont see what the BH gets besides mind movies and triggers.


For once i have to disagree with one of your usually well-thought out posts. 

IMO it is just as likely that the BH may have suspected his mge was troubled and suspected an affair. Husbands often have a gut feeling about this but not all are capable of knowing how to ferret out the truth. 

If this is the case he could find comfort in the fact that his gut was right. 

Of course, we can't know what the bh suspected. If I was in the bh shoes, I'd like to know. The hurt would not last as the mge was over but If I had suspected an affair and it was confirmed, I would find some comfort in the knowledge that my intuition was right. JMO


----------



## Alyosha

"co-parent" "co-parenting" etc.

God, *groaning*....what bull****.

Just more words created by industries that profit from obfuscating and rationalizing and justifying ****ty, selfish, irresponsible behavior.

If you have a child, you are a parent. PERIOD. Multitudes of studies have proven over and over and over again that the optimal situation for a child is to grow up in is a stable two parent household.

To say you are focused on maintaining a good "co-parenting" relationship is just another way to disguise reality and make yourself feel better about the selfish choices you have made that will negatively affect your child. It makes you feel like a good, conscientious parent when the truth of the matter is that if you were really focused on your children, you never would have made the decisions you made that turned you into a "co-parent."

A big F U to this Oprah language BS. 

The misuse of language is a direct attempt to deny others an opportunity to participate in reality -- i.e., it is plain LYING.


----------



## badbane

Aerith said:


> I would avoid to create more drama if it's not necessary... Do you think your truth is going help him to move on or will cause him more pain?


My simple question is how would she know what he is going through? She doesn't she won't. Nor will she be able to face her own guilt until she tells the truth. But I doubt she will tell him the whole truth. I doubt she is telling us the whole truth. This is why A's are so bad. They really make it impossible for the person in the A to see what happened in the marriage. She said it herself she feels justified in having an A even though she knew it was wrong. Now she feels bad but she feels justified. More than likely her marriage was salvageable. She could and he could have worked together to try and resolve their issues. However she didn't she cheated and I am sure she has plenty of reasons why she cheated. the fact is though that her H was in the same bad marriage. He on the other hand did not cheat. I am sure she is still feeling the effects of the A even now. She is showing the symptoms of someone in denial and in the Fog. The way she goes back and forth. 

My husband and marriage was bad and if feel justified. But I know it was wrong and I hurt him.
We have a much better relationship now. 
But I don't want to come clean because I don't want to hurt him.
In reality the statement to me sounds more like I got away with it and don't want to own up to my problems. 
We see it time and time again. This will haunt her because she can't just runaway into the sunset. She has to face him and deal with her exhusband for years to come. knowing that there is a good chance he still loves her. Knowing that she screwed him over. It would be one thing if this was even remotely unique in some way. IE there was physical and emotional abuse, he was cheating too, they were in an open relationship, they were having threesomes with other partners, things of that nature that doesn't sound like the same crap everyone else has to deal with in their marriage at some point. There is not one thing she has said that makes sense and shows evidence that she even tried to salvage her relationship. There is know owning the things she did wrong in the marriage. her story is always he was a bad husband. so I cheated. 
Two people are in a marriage I'd love to know the things she was doing outside of having an affair that contributed to the marriage failing. So far I haven't she puts all the blame on him and sadly she knows it is not all his fault. She is clinging onto her story so she doesn't have to look the whole truth in the face.


----------



## badbane

weightlifter said:


> Make no mistake. I blame you for A. I rather doubt he feels guilty over the D.
> 
> Kim I would suggest low level intel to make sure he is OK then if he is. LEAVE HIM THE EFF ALONE! Talk only about your kids and D issues related to the D itself like money or child support.
> 
> LET HIM LIVE LIFE CHAPTER 2
> 
> GET YOURSELF TOGETHER to live that same chapter. Get those cheating issues resolved!
> 
> One final question. How did you first meet the AP?


Your telling me that you wouldn't want to know? I mean seriously you think that you get married to someone and invest time into someone. Then it goes south and you wouldn't want to know why?
Telling my hurt him but it will also give him perspective and clarity. I really thing before you just say leave him alone you examine the damage not telling him would do. keeping secrets of this magnitude don't ever end well. There is also a chance he could find out on his own. 
You want to talk about this wonderful relationship they have now going down the tubes please. let him find out on his own. If she tells him at least he will know she has the integrity to come clean. Heck I even have been in threads where it is some BS spouse finding out that is ex cheated randomly after the marriage ended. And after they sort it out they are glad they know because now they have the truth. Not just some vauge "INLWYBNIL" bull that we all know is a cop out. He will know that there was an A. He will know that he is dealing with someone he probably won't want to hold a candle out for. It reminds me of that song "when a heart breaks it don't break even." She has a chance to give him perspective and clarity.


----------



## Kimberley17

Alyosha said:


> "co-parent" "co-parenting" etc.
> 
> God, *groaning*....what bull****.
> 
> Just more words created by industries that profit from obfuscating and rationalizing and justifying ****ty, selfish, irresponsible behavior.
> 
> If you have a child, you are a parent. PERIOD. Multitudes of studies have proven over and over and over again that the optimal situation for a child is to grow up in is a stable two parent household.
> 
> To say you are focused on maintaining a good "co-parenting" relationship is just another way to disguise reality and make yourself feel better about the selfish choices you have made that will negatively affect your child. It makes you feel like a good, conscientious parent when the truth of the matter is that if you were really focused on your children, you never would have made the decisions you made that turned you into a "co-parent."
> 
> A big F U to this Oprah language BS.
> 
> The misuse of language is a direct attempt to deny others an opportunity to participate in reality -- i.e., it is plain LYING.


OK. Take the affair out of the equation. If I divorced him because I no longer felt for him as a wife should feel for her husband would you be saying the same things?


----------



## Kimberley17

badbane said:


> My simple question is how would she know what he is going through? She doesn't she won't. Nor will she be able to face her own guilt until she tells the truth. But I doubt she will tell him the whole truth. I doubt she is telling us the whole truth. This is why A's are so bad. They really make it impossible for the person in the A to see what happened in the marriage. She said it herself she feels justified in having an A even though she knew it was wrong. Now she feels bad but she feels justified. More than likely her marriage was salvageable. She could and he could have worked together to try and resolve their issues. However she didn't she cheated and I am sure she has plenty of reasons why she cheated. the fact is though that her H was in the same bad marriage. He on the other hand did not cheat. I am sure she is still feeling the effects of the A even now. She is showing the symptoms of someone in denial and in the Fog. The way she goes back and forth.
> 
> My husband and marriage was bad and if feel justified. But I know it was wrong and I hurt him.
> We have a much better relationship now.
> But I don't want to come clean because I don't want to hurt him.
> In reality the statement to me sounds more like I got away with it and don't want to own up to my problems.
> We see it time and time again. This will haunt her because she can't just runaway into the sunset. She has to face him and deal with her exhusband for years to come. knowing that there is a good chance he still loves her. Knowing that she screwed him over. It would be one thing if this was even remotely unique in some way. IE there was physical and emotional abuse, he was cheating too, they were in an open relationship, they were having threesomes with other partners, things of that nature that doesn't sound like the same crap everyone else has to deal with in their marriage at some point. There is not one thing she has said that makes sense and shows evidence that she even tried to salvage her relationship. There is know owning the things she did wrong in the marriage. her story is always he was a bad husband. so I cheated.
> Two people are in a marriage I'd love to know the things she was doing outside of having an affair that contributed to the marriage failing. So far I haven't she puts all the blame on him and sadly she knows it is not all his fault. She is clinging onto her story so she doesn't have to look the whole truth in the face.


You obviously haven't read all my posts and threfore shouldn't make such 'assumptions'.


----------



## doubletrouble

OK I don't know if I've even posted in this thread yet but here's my two cents based on my life...

First wife, the one who took my virginity, cheated on me, and that's why we're not together. This was decades ago. 

I have thought since then that this was NOT the only one, and that there were probably others. I thought about time lapses when she'd be "out" and I'd just figure oh, OK, she's just having fun with friends etc. Nowadays, of course, I look at it with a whole 'nother set of thoughts. I believe she was cheating, all along. 

After all, the day she took my virginity I was her second man of the day. 

But would I want her to call me out of the blue and say by the way, I fvcked so and so during our marriage? No. I don't want to know. I suspect it, I believe it more than likely did happen, but either way, the relationship is history and I want it to stay there. 

So Kim, my 2 cents is leave it be. You obviously do regret your actions, and you are feeling guilt, and that's something you "get" to own, all on your own. It has changed the direction of your thinking in future relationships, which is good for those, but it can't do anything good for the past. Thinking about it, it may alleviate some of your guilt to tell him, but I think what you're weighing is the guilt vs. his pain of knowing. Since it was all your choices, maybe you are already living out the "karma" through this guilt. To me it says you are remorseful and you hate what you did, and you'll never get to that point again in your life. Good. 

It can be a tough call for those of us who are standing outside of your life. There are many different viewpoints, as you have seen. The view I just espoused is based on my own life, my own feelings, my own perspective. In fact, ANY relationship I've had in the past, I don't want to know if I was cheated on. Every LTR I've ever had, including my current one, I've been cheated on, so I know how it feels. 

There ya go.


----------



## MattMatt

Kimberley17 said:


> OK. Take the affair out of the equation. If I divorced him because I no longer felt for him as a wife should feel for her husband would you be saying the same things?


You used a website for people to cheat on their spouse. The level of disrespect that showed towards your husband and children. That is what doomed your marriage. 

You lied to your husband and your children, by default, and you continue to lie to them, now.

That's a pretty weird way of being a dedicated co-parenter, basing the whole thing on lies, more lies and still more lies. That and your foggy, all my husband's fault thinking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Squeakr

Kimberley17 said:


> First of all, it was his suggestion to do this and yes, I absolutely agree a heads up is a good idea when we will be bringing the kids into something like that. Thay are very young. My affair and our marital issues have nothing to do with how things are handled with the kids. It's not about me meeting the other person or vice versa. I wouldn't request to meet her. It's just a respect as coparents and to know what's going on with our kids when with the other parent. Sorry you can't wrap your head around that.


No matter who suggested it, it was made without the full knowledge of events. Do you think that he would have offered that if he had known that you sneaked around behind his back and hid it. I bet not, as his trust in you to do the right thing would be gone and why would he enter into an agreement with someone that he can not trust. You cheated him of the full facts to make an honest and open decision.

I can wrap my head around all of this as I have young kids too. What you are not wrapping your head around (or just denying to yourself) is that when you chose to cheat, you changed yourself and the way you interacted with your family (there is another thread on TAM regarding this idea, and all agreed, BS and WS, that when someone has an A they are withdrawing from their family and changing the dynamics of it and themselves. No matter how small or large that change my be, it happened and they can't deny it). So yes your marital issues and A has everything to do with your direct handling of the kids and will forever in the future (as you have to live with your conscience, and even a justified conscience changes one's outlook).


----------



## SoulStorm

It's over..leave it alone.
He could have been having an affair too for all that is known.

No man is going to stay sexless if he doesn't have to.
You have fallen out of love with him, really what good is him knowing how really bad your behavior was?

Sounds as if you both were just existing in the marriage and you decided to not work on it any longer and have an affair.
If he hasn't questioned and I'm probably going to assume he knew something was up anyway, leave it be.
It's salt on a healing wound. The divorce is done..let him live. Aren't you?


----------



## badbane

SoulStorm said:


> It's over..leave it alone.
> He could have been having an affair too for all that is known.
> 
> No man is going to stay sexless if he doesn't have to.
> You have fallen out of love with him, really what good is him knowing how really bad your behavior was?
> 
> Sounds as if you both were just existing in the marriage and you decided to not work on it any longer and have an affair.
> If he hasn't questioned and I'm probably going to assume he knew something was up anyway, leave it be.
> It's salt on a healing wound. The divorce is done..let him live. Aren't you?


And you know this from reading a few posts from a WS how? And not all of this is just to get her to just tell her spouse. It is obvious she is in denial and feeling guilty and that there is more truth trickling out. I think she should tell him because she may be making the worst mistake of her life. She may not. I am going to act like this was me. And if I was married to a woman and I spent any lenght of time with her. I would want to know why it failed. We don't know what her husband feels because we are only hearing the side of the woman that cheated. And if you take the affair out of the equations and insert a MC, IC, and a true commitment to the marriage. Marriages tend to get better and work themselves out.
When you deal with a WS you can't just take their word for it. because most of the time they are in the "fog", or in denial, or are so wrapped up in themselves they don't know how their ex is doing. We really don't know if she is divorced. We don't know if she is just on the fence because this site is anonymous. 
And she says the Ex is doing okay. How do we know that is really the case. It could be her wishful thinking. He could be throwing himself at work or be hiding the fact his life is falling apart to save face. 
Kim signed up to find and AP. Most A's that occur aren't because people go looking for them. They happen because the A comes looking for them. I mean really Kim how long were you messing around online before you found an AP. How many AP's did you try out before pursuing this OM? Things aren't adding up and your stories are looking more like shallow attempts at justifiying an A. And you keep trying to adjust scenarios to make the D look better. How long ago did you start seeking an AP. You said you had and affair during the last year of marriage. How long before that were you look? How long before that did you do something with OM that isn't technically "cheating" but you know it would have hurt your EX H deeply.


----------



## weightlifter

WOM. Lets agree to disagree. I respect your posts and Ill take the compliment in return. All I see is him getting mind movies.

Kim. Why do i...

I look for patterns. Trends. Times. Future danger zones. I have done VAR work for 3 men here with cheating wives when they couldnt either bear to listen to their wives being fvcked by other men or simply needed audio clean up of VARs. I am pretty good at Audacity. I simply have not released their names because I NEVER spill a secret unless released and they have not released them.

So you went to AM Cheatersite or similar and were looking for an affair? OK Ill admit I was not expecting that answer.

LOL so now I break my word. Why did you not at least file D first then go to AM? Sorry for all the questions. When I get cooperative people Im just rude enough to ask. 

I try to get into thought processes and timing and... I am one of the investigation thread people. sort of becoming Sony's best friend with my VAR recommendations. I also tend to hang out on doormat threads.


----------



## badbane

SoulStorm said:


> It's over..leave it alone.
> He could have been having an affair too for all that is known.
> 
> No man is going to stay sexless if he doesn't have to.
> You have fallen out of love with him, really what good is him knowing how really bad your behavior was?
> 
> Sounds as if you both were just existing in the marriage and you decided to not work on it any longer and have an affair.
> If he hasn't questioned and I'm probably going to assume he knew something was up anyway, leave it be.
> It's salt on a healing wound. The divorce is done..let him live. Aren't you?


Kim did you test yourself for STD's cause I am sure you exH would like to know if you Divorced him but gave him the gift of a life time of creams and itchy private parts.


----------



## Squeakr

badbane said:


> Kim did you test yourself for STD's cause I am sure you exH would like to know if you Divorced him but gave him the gift of a life time of creams and itchy private parts.


:iagree::rofl:


----------



## Shaggy

Kim, it may help him if he is currently wasting time in new relationships comparing the women to you and the fantasy of what he. Thinks he once had with you.

By telling him of just how awful you acted the last year of your marriage and how that year was a pure waste for him, he may wake up , deservedly despise you, and then move on to someone that will love him.,


----------



## warlock07

Kimberley17 said:


> Thank you weightlifter. You've been one of the kind people to respond. Things are not always as black or white as some here seem to think.


If you wanted validation, you should have mentioned it in the first post. People are going to have different opinions. Instead you stick those posts that validate your actions. You aren't here to listen anyway. 

Yes, the marriage probably had to end and the situation is not black and white. But your cheating was black and white. Couldn't you have the decency to end the marriage and wait a few more months ? Even then you registered in a cheater's website to do this. Your choice of site tells a lot. You know you are sh!tty person. Else, you wouldn't have chosen that site. You wanted people who had similar morals to you.


----------



## warlock07

SoulStorm said:


> It's over..leave it alone.
> He could have been having an affair too for all that is known.
> 
> No man is going to stay sexless if he doesn't have to.
> You have fallen out of love with him, really what good is him knowing how really bad your behavior was?
> 
> Sounds as if you both were just existing in the marriage and you decided to not work on it any longer and have an affair.
> If he hasn't questioned and I'm probably going to assume he knew something was up anyway, leave it be.
> It's salt on a healing wound. The divorce is done..let him live. Aren't you?


He is probably a rascist and a pedophille too. /s


----------



## Alyosha

Kimberley17 said:


> OK. Take the affair out of the equation. If I divorced him because I no longer felt for him as a wife should feel for her husband would you be saying the same things?


Absolutely because marriage is a platform for raising decent human beings it is NOT an institution that exists to keep you perpetually blissful. Love is not a tingly feeling love is a commitment everyday to care for the emotional and physical needs of your partner. It is the daily commitment to face the difficulties of life as a devoted team.

You obviously view it as a state of affairs intended to bring you contentment or tingly fulfillment. Therefore, when it ceases to do this, you believe it is ok to end it and find a new state of affairs that provides you this feeling. This is misguided and it turns the idea of marriage completely on its head.

Love is an act not a feeling and happiness is chosen it doesn't magically flow to you upon discovering your new "soul mate."


----------



## SoulStorm

badbane said:


> And you know this from reading a few posts from a WS how? And not all of this is just to get her to just tell her spouse. It is obvious she is in denial and feeling guilty and that there is more truth trickling out. I think she should tell him because she may be making the worst mistake of her life. She may not. I am going to act like this was me. And if I was married to a woman and I spent any lenght of time with her. I would want to know why it failed. We don't know what her husband feels because we are only hearing the side of the woman that cheated. And if you take the affair out of the equations and insert a MC, IC, and a true commitment to the marriage. Marriages tend to get better and work themselves out.
> When you deal with a WS you can't just take their word for it. because most of the time they are in the "fog", or in denial, or are so wrapped up in themselves they don't know how their ex is doing. We really don't know if she is divorced. We don't know if she is just on the fence because this site is anonymous.
> And she says the Ex is doing okay. How do we know that is really the case. It could be her wishful thinking. He could be throwing himself at work or be hiding the fact his life is falling apart to save face.
> Kim signed up to find and AP. Most A's that occur aren't because people go looking for them. They happen because the A comes looking for them. I mean really Kim how long were you messing around online before you found an AP. How many AP's did you try out before pursuing this OM? Things aren't adding up and your stories are looking more like shallow attempts at justifiying an A. And you keep trying to adjust scenarios to make the D look better. How long ago did you start seeking an AP. You said you had and affair during the last year of marriage. How long before that were you look? How long before that did you do something with OM that isn't technically "cheating" but you know it would have hurt your EX H deeply.


None of us really know what her husband is thinking,but she came on here saying she fell out of love with him and then went on AM and had an affair. She knows it was all wrong.
This man is probably trying to move on ( a guess).
It is extremely suspect that she wants to tell him now after the divorce.
It may relieve him of suspicions or it may take him back to a place he doesn't want to visit. 
I think if he's not asking her..he really doesn't want to know.
And I agree..we are only hearing her side of the story.


----------



## Kimberley17

Alyosha said:


> Absolutely because marriage is a platform for raising decent human beings it is NOT an institution that exists to keep you perpetually blissful. Love is not a tingly feeling love is a commitment everyday to care for the emotional and physical needs of your partner. It is the daily commitment to face the difficulties of life as a devoted team.
> 
> You obviously view it as a state of affairs intended to bring you contentment or tingly fulfillment. Therefore, when it ceases to do this, you believe it is ok to end it and find a new state of affairs that provides you this feeling. This is misguided and it turns the idea of marriage completely on its head.
> 
> Love is an act not a feeling and happiness is chosen it doesn't magically flow to you upon discovering your new "soul mate."


I agree with you, however, you are also assuming he was a model husband. The cheating was most definitely wrong. I know that. But what you ar saying is once you get married you'r stuck for life even if miserable?


----------



## Kimberley17

SoulStorm said:


> None of us really know what her husband is thinking,but she came on here saying she fell out of love with him and then went on AM and had an affair. She knows it was all wrong.
> This man is probably trying to move on ( a guess).
> It is extremely suspect that she wants to tell him now after the divorce.
> It may relieve him of suspicions or it may take him back to a place he doesn't want to visit.
> I think if he's not asking her..he really doesn't want to know.
> And I agree..we are only hearing her side of the story.


He never asked me about an affair. The whole last 3 years of our marriage was a mess and unhappy. My thought process at the time was to stay in the marriage until my kids were older and have someone on the side. I KNOW IT WAS WRONG. I totally regret the path I chose. Why are some of you so offended because of AM? Yes, I was looking for someone who was in the same situation as me. Hindsight is 20/20 and I should have just gotten a divorce earlier. Live and learn.


----------



## Will_Kane

So when you posted this in June of 2012, you already were in the middle of an affair?

_Been married for 6 years now and we never had the greatest sex life even while dating. I knew that going in, but married him for other reasons that seemed more important at the time. Through the years I have lost mt desire for him and no longer am physically attracted to him. *I am trying very hard to make it work* but everytime we have sex I can't stand how he touches me. It's as if he doesn't do it right or the way I like it. I have discussed it with him and told him what I like but even when he tries it doesn't 'click'. I don't know if this is because I no longer desire him or if we are really just sexually incompatible. Anyone else not like the way their husband touches them? I'm specifically talking foreplay...​_


----------



## MattMatt

weightlifter said:


> WOM. Lets agree to disagree. I respect your posts and Ill take the compliment in return. All I see is him getting mind movies.
> 
> Kim. Why do i...
> 
> I look for patterns. Trends. Times. Future danger zones. I have done VAR work for 3 men here with cheating wives when they couldnt either bear to listen to their wives being fvcked by other men or simply needed audio clean up of VARs. I am pretty good at Audacity. I simply have not released their names because I NEVER spill a secret unless released and they have not released them.
> 
> So you went to AM Cheatersite or similar and were looking for an affair? OK Ill admit I was not expecting that answer.
> 
> *LOL so now I break my word. Why did you not at least file D first then go to AM? Sorry for all the questions. When I get cooperative people Im just rude enough to ask. *
> 
> I try to get into thought processes and timing and... I am one of the investigation thread people. sort of becoming Sony's best friend with my VAR recommendations. I also tend to hang out on doormat threads.


Oh! I know the answer to that one! But it is not a nice answer.

*What would be the point in signing up for a cheater's affairs website if you were not married?*

*Because in order to arrange to cheat, you have to have someone to cheat on...*

Now if Kimberley could tell us *why* she needed to score one over her husband and the father of her children, maybe we would be better placed to offer her the advice she says she wants?


----------



## Mtts

Wow, 

Strong denial here. I can say OP your logic (or lack thereof) is almost dizzying.

I hope for your husbands sake that you do keep this bottled up. Honestly I think for his benefit he'd be better off if you weren't part of his life period. You seem like a toxic person and a great example of the type of individual I strive to avoid. 

The simple fact you can rationalize and by your own words say "I dont feel guilt for cheating" tells me all I need to know about your character. You have none. 0. Simple as that. You are about as abhorrent an individual as they come. Congratulations and I wish you all the worst. 

Sincerly MTTS.


----------



## weightlifter

Matt

AM also has single women, women who have filed but not completed divorce, women who "have arrangements" AKA dont ask dont tell, and even some who simply have a marriage in which the are buddies but one or both spouses get sex elsewhere.


----------



## Kimberley17

Mtts said:


> Wow,
> 
> Strong denial here. I can say OP your logic (or lack thereof) is almost dizzying.
> 
> I hope for your husbands sake that you do keep this bottled up. Honestly I think for his benefit he'd be better off if you weren't part of his life period. You seem like a toxic person and a great example of the type of individual I strive to avoid.
> 
> The simple fact you can rationalize and by your own words say "I dont feel guilt for cheating" tells me all I need to know about your character. You have none. 0. Simple as that. You are about as abhorrent an individual as they come. Congratulations and I wish you all the worst.
> 
> Sincerly MTTS.


When did I ever say I don't feel guilt for cheating? I have always felt guilty even back when I felt somewhat justified.


----------



## Squeakr

Kimberley17 said:


> When did I ever say I don't feel guilt for cheating? I have always felt guilty even back when I felt somewhat justified.


Post #16 of this thread you started it:

"Truthfully, I felt guilty when we were married but I don't anymore."


----------



## SoulStorm

Kimberley17 said:


> He never asked me about an affair. The whole last 3 years of our marriage was a mess and unhappy. My thought process at the time was to stay in the marriage until my kids were older and have someone on the side. I KNOW IT WAS WRONG. I totally regret the path I chose. *Why are some of you so offended because of AM?* Yes, I was looking for someone who was in the same situation as me. Hindsight is 20/20 and I should have just gotten a divorce earlier. Live and learn.


Are you serious? Why wouldn't any married person be offended by a site that condones and helps spouses conspire to cheat?
Only people with loose moral boundaries would think that this was ok. YOU yourself know that it was wrong to do.
Just because there is a site out there that says "Life is short, Have an Affair" doesn't mean it's the right thing to do.
Offended is a light word..how about disgusted.


----------



## Onmyway

Will_Kane said:


> So when you posted this in June of 2012, you already were in the middle of an affair?
> 
> _Been married for 6 years now and we never had the greatest sex life even while dating. I knew that going in, but married him for other reasons that seemed more important at the time. Through the years I have lost mt desire for him and no longer am physically attracted to him. *I am trying very hard to make it work* but everytime we have sex I can't stand how he touches me. It's as if he doesn't do it right or the way I like it. I have discussed it with him and told him what I like but even when he tries it doesn't 'click'. I don't know if this is because I no longer desire him or if we are really just sexually incompatible. Anyone else not like the way their husband touches them? I'm specifically talking foreplay...​_


This is a question that I'm looking forward to hearing answered as well.

Seems to me that her affair is something that she should have specified in that post, maybe a "PS. Oh, and I'm having an affair while I'm trying very hard to make our marriage work" at the end. She would have probably received much better advice in her thread then, such as tell your husband, which brings us full circle to this thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mule kick

As a betrayed spouse of a stay at home mother, I get the willies just reading the OPs callousness. Why should any man ever care about any woman enough to provide her a home and children if this is how she returns the favor? I have to guess she is now at home not working still on his dime but without the yucky constraints of having to pretend to be faithful to him for all his work and effort and commitment. 

I think I said earlier that you have already done the deed of lying, cheating and betraying the man for so long what's the difference if you keep your dirty secret another 50 years?


----------



## Onmyway

mule kick said:


> As a betrayed spouse of a stay at home mother, I get the willies just reading the OPs callousness. Why should any man ever care about any woman enough to provide her a home and children if this is how she returns the favor? I have to guess she is now at home not working still on his dime but without the yucky constraints of having to pretend to be faithful to him for all his work and effort and commitment.
> 
> I think I said earlier that you have already done the deed of lying, cheating and betraying the man for so long what's the difference if you keep your dirty secret another 50 years?


Maybe that's it, she may live in one of the few states left that cares about this, and if she confesses to an affair he may be able to repetition the court and receive a deal that's actually fair to him.

Please at least tell us that you at least had an amicable divorce, with joint custody and no alimony or child support going to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kimberley17

SoulStorm said:


> Are you serious? Why wouldn't any married person be offended by a site that condones and helps spouses conspire to cheat?
> Only people with loose moral boundaries would think that this was ok. YOU yourself know that it was wrong to do.
> Just because there is a site out there that says "Life is short, Have an Affair" doesn't mean it's the right thing to do.
> Offended is a light word..how about disgusted.


All I meant by that is that if a person is going to make the choice to cheat they are going to find a way. It's not like the site makes them cheat. It does, however, make it easier ..


----------



## Kimberley17

Onmyway said:


> This is a question that I'm looking forward to hearing answered as well.
> 
> Seems to me that her affair is something that she should have specified in that post, maybe a "PS. Oh, and I'm having an affair while I'm trying very hard to make our marriage work" at the end. She would have probably received much better advice in her thread then, such as tell your husband, which brings us full circle to this thread.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, I was. In hindshight I see how stupid I was. I still know we're better off divorced but the way I went about it at the end is awful. He and I spoke about how he's doing with everything and he said he finally feels good about himself again. So, now I'm supposed to tell him and make him feel bad about himself again?


----------



## Kimberley17

Onmyway said:


> Maybe that's it, she may live in one of the few states left that cares about this, and if she confesses to an affair he may be able to repetition the court and receive a deal that's actually fair to him.
> 
> Please at least tell us that you at least had an amicable divorce, with joint custody and no alimony or child support going to you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow, lots of assumptions in this post. I have always worked full time and still do. It was an amicable divorce, however, he does pay child support. The law requires him to, not me. We have joint custody but not shared custody. He did not want shared custody. I have residential.


----------



## happyman64

Kimberley17 said:


> Yes, I was. In hindshight I see how stupid I was. I still know we're better off divorced but the way I went about it at the end is awful. He and I spoke about how he's doing with everything and he said he finally feels good about himself again. So, now I'm supposed to tell him and make him feel bad about himself again?


No. That is why you never tell him. It will only put him in a bad place again.

He does not deserve that.


----------



## LostViking

I have been reconsidering this.

Kimberly, in reading this post and your prior one, I don't see where telling him can do anything but make him hate you more. 

He already hates you to a degree (yes... hate, don't kid yourself) for sharing in the mutual destruction of your relationship. Now you propose to add fuel to that furnace and stoke his coals to where, from the point forward from when you inform him, he will elevate from resentful ex-husband to enemy. 

That's what I see happening. 

So if you are doing this to aleviate your conscience (or whatever it is that is motivating you), don't think that the only result will be that he will drop whatever remaining shard of the torch he may be carrying. Be prepared for all-out warfare from him if you piss him off with this juicy info. He may proceed to trash your reputation by posting you on Cheaterville, sending out e-mails and FB posts telling friends and family what a low-down floozy you are.... the list goes on. 

We don't know your husband. We don't know what he is capable of or how vindictive he is. You do. 

Personally I don't give a crap what you do or what happens to you. I agree with one of the prior posters: I think what you did was low-down and selfish, regardless of the sorry state of your marriage. 

So as we say in my native tounge: "fær av helviti til...."


----------



## Grayson

Kimberley17 said:


> Yes, I was. In hindshight I see how stupid I was. I still know we're better off divorced but the way I went about it at the end is awful. He and I spoke about how he's doing with everything and he said he finally feels good about himself again. So, now I'm supposed to tell him and make him feel bad about himself again?


Let me see if I get this right....

*You* saying, "*I* lied to your face. *I* betrayed you. *I* pretended to work to save the marriage, even though I had no plans to follow through." will somehow make *him* feel bad about himself, rather than finally seeing you for the person you really are?

I'd as if you really would deny him the courtesy of a little honesty, but by your description, honesty was pretty low on your priority list with him as it was and you've already said that you have no intention of being honest with him now, so...why bother. Go forth, find the next Mr. Right (Now) that you'll get tired of and cheat on, and continue the cycle.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## arbitrator

Given the parameters of your situation, you could probably get by without telling him. And that's fortunate for you.

Then again, he could find out about your marital escapades through third parties with some knowledge of your activity. Heck, he could find out all on his own. Not that maybe he doesn't already know about it by now.

Had you confessed during your divorce, the child custody thing could have well been reverted over to him. That would richly give creedence to "cake-eating" on your part.

What you've done to him isn't exactly going to endear you to him any more than it is now. But you've already lied to him by omission.

As John Keats so eloquently said in Ode on a Grecian Urn, "beauty is truth, truth is beauty, that is all ye know in life, and all ye need to know!"

Translation: Let's just see how deep your conscience truly is!


----------



## Kimberley17

2asdf2 said:


> If nothing else you are inconsistent.
> 
> But: Why did you ask your original question about telling, when you were consistently thinking it was a dumb idea, and there was no way you'd do it?
> 
> If you were so sure, why ask others point of view?


Because I thought I was sure.. When someone here brought it up to me that I should tell him it made me think about it. I have gone back and forth throughout this entire thread I realize that. It's called confusion. Sometimes hearing other people's point of view or opinions makes one second guess if what they think is the right decision really is. I have decided firmly to not tell him after our talk about how he is doing really great and in a good place. His words. I want him to be happy and move on.


----------



## Kimberley17

2asdf2 said:


> This is a total cop-out.
> 
> You don't want the money, you return it.
> 
> The law does not force you to accept it.



You're saying because I had an affair my kids shouldn't be entitled to child support? That's a crock.. This thread has totally gotten out of control. Why should my kids' standard of living change because their dad and I couldn't make it work??


----------



## Kimberley17

LostViking said:


> I have been reconsidering this.
> 
> Kimberly, in reading this post and your prior one, I don't see where telling him can do anything but make him hate you more.
> 
> He already hates you to a degree (yes... hate, don't kid yourself) for sharing in the mutual destruction of your relationship. Now you propose to add fuel to that furnace and stoke his coals to where, from the point forward from when you inform him, he will elevate from resentful ex-husband to enemy.
> 
> That's what I see happening.
> 
> So if you are doing this to aleviate your conscience (or whatever it is that is motivating you), don't think that the only result will be that he will drop whatever remaining shard of the torch he may be carrying. Be prepared for all-out warfare from him if you piss him off with this juicy info. He may proceed to trash your reputation by posting you on Cheaterville, sending out e-mails and FB posts telling friends and family what a low-down floozy you are.... the list goes on.
> 
> We don't know your husband. We don't know what he is capable of or how vindictive he is. You do.
> 
> Personally I don't give a crap what you do or what happens to you. I agree with one of the prior posters: I think what you did was low-down and selfish, regardless of the sorry state of your marriage.
> 
> So as we say in my native tounge: "fær av helviti til...."


And "fær av helviti" to you as well!


----------



## Kimberley17

Grayson said:


> Let me see if I get this right....
> 
> *You* saying, "*I* lied to your face. *I* betrayed you. *I* pretended to work to save the marriage, even though I had no plans to follow through." will somehow make *him* feel bad about himself, rather than finally seeing you for the person you really are?
> 
> I'd as if you really would deny him the courtesy of a little honesty, but by your description, honesty was pretty low on your priority list with him as it was and you've already said that you have no intention of being honest with him now, so...why bother. Go forth, find the next Mr. Right (Now) that you'll get tired of and cheat on, and continue the cycle.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The sanctimonious responses are really getting old. is there a way to close a thread?


----------



## Grayson

Kimberley17 said:


> Because I thought I was sure.. When someone here brought it up to me that I should tell him it made me think about it. I have gone back and forth throughout this entire thread I realize that. It's called confusion. Sometimes hearing other people's point of view or opinions makes one second guess if what they think is the right decision really is. I have decided firmly to not tell him after our talk about how he is doing really great and in a good place. His words. I want him to be happy and move on.


...secure in the knowledge that his faithful (ex) wife did everything she could to save the marriage, just like he did.

So, tell me...you've said that, as they grow, you wouldn't condone your kids cheating on their SO's, nor endorse such behavior. Will you hold them to a double-standard if they lie to you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Grayson

Kimberley17 said:


> The sanctimonious responses are really getting old. is there a way to close a thread?


Then explain the logic to me. How will admitting your own willing series of betrayals make him feel bad about himself?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kimberley17

Grayson said:


> ...secure in the knowledge that his faithful (ex) wife did everything she could to save the marriage, just like he did.
> 
> So, tell me...you've said that, as they grow, you wouldn't condone your kids cheating on their SO's, nor endorse such behavior. Will you hold them to a double-standard if they lie to you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OMG, of course I wouldn't want my kids to cheat on anyone. You act as if you've never done anything wrong that you wouldn't want your kids to do. I've said so many times I know I handled it terribly and made mistakes. The sanctimonious crap is making me ill already.


----------



## Kimberley17

Grayson said:


> Then explain the logic to me. How will admitting your own willing series of betrayals make him feel bad about himself?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because isn't that typical of the BS to feel rejected or not good enough? Even if he hates me those type of thoughts will fill his head as well as mind movies and he'll probably have toms of questions that he won't want to ask. It just may do more harm than good for him. I have nothing to lose by telling him now so in spite of what all you think it really is all about him and his feelings now.


----------



## 2asdf2

Kimberley17 said:


> You're saying because I had an affair my kids shouldn't be entitled to child support? That's a crock.. This thread has totally gotten out of control. Why should my kids' standard of living change because their dad and I couldn't make it work??


No, I am not saying that at all. I call cop-out on your comment that: 



Kimberley17 said:


> Wow, lots of assumptions in this post. I have always worked full time and still do. It was an amicable divorce, however, he does pay child support. *The law requires him to, not me.* We have joint custody but not shared custody. He did not want shared custody. I have residential.


Implying that it is not your fault he has to pay. You are correct but disingenuous. If you were candid, as in your later recantation, you'd have omitted that disclaimer.


----------



## Kimberley17

2asdf2 said:


> What will you do if he asks you again, outright to you face?
> 
> Lie?
> 
> Confess?


Asks me what? If I cheated? He has never asked me that. I think at this point if he asked me I would probably confess.. but I don't think that will happen


----------



## Onmyway

Kimberley17 said:


> Wow, lots of assumptions in this post. I have always worked full time and still do. It was an amicable divorce, however, he does pay child support. The law requires him to, not me. We have joint custody but not shared custody. He did not want shared custody. I have residential.


There wasn't a single assumption in my post, the first part was a hypothetical statement, which is why I said maybe. I'm sorry that you didn't see that btw, but based on your answer it was partly correct anyways.

The second part was half questin/half hoping that you did the right thing, and you answered.

Do you think that he would have been ok with paying child support and only having shared custody if he knew that you were involved in an affair and not trying to fix your marriage?

I say you tell him about the affair and let him repetition the court to obtain a custody situation that is more fair, to him and your kids, at least joint custody. 

He agreed to shared custody and paying child support because he trusted you when he shouldn't have.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Myka

Would you want to know if he cheated?


----------



## 2asdf2

Kimberley17 said:


> Asks me what? If I cheated? He has never asked me that. I think at this point if he asked me I would probably confess.. but I don't think that will happen


I am sorry, I thought that he had already asked you about cheating. I apologize.


----------



## Kimberley17

2asdf2 said:


> No, I am not saying that at all. I call cop-out on your comment that:
> 
> 
> 
> Implying that it is not your fault he has to pay. You are correct but disingenuous. If you were candid, as in your later recantation, you'd have omitted that disclaimer.


Um, it is the law.. how is that disingenuous? My attorney even told me I don't have the right to deny child support as it is for the kids and not me technically. How is it my fault he has to pay? Please elaborate ..


----------



## Kimberley17

Myka said:


> Would you want to know if he cheated?


At this point, no I wouldn't.


----------



## 2asdf2

I know you are finding the questions irksome. Just think that your comments about closing the thread reveal your uneasiness -still- about your future relationship with H, and your recent divorced.

Just the same, I encourage you to continue the discussion, as it will help you clear up your confusion, and better address issues that will come up in the future.

Your offspring ensure your relationship with your H will continue for many years.


----------



## Kimberley17

Onmyway said:


> There wasn't a single assumption in my post, the first part was a hypothetical statement, which is why I said maybe. I'm sorry that you didn't see that btw, but based on your answer it was partly correct anyways.
> 
> The second part was half questin/half hoping that you did the right thing, and you answered.
> 
> Do you think that he would have been ok with paying child support and only having shared custody if he knew that you were involved in an affair and not trying to fix your marriage?
> 
> I say you tell him about the affair and let him repetition the court to obtain a custody situation that is more fair, to him and your kids, at least joint custody.
> 
> He agreed to shared custody and paying child support because he trusted you when he shouldn't have.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry but you're incorrect. We do have joint custody just not shared where we each have equal time each week. He didn't and doesn't want that as he has said he wouldn't be able to handle the kids like I do. I believe even if he knew I had an affair that wouldn't change anything kid wise. As far as him being ok paying child support, He doesn't have a choice. It's the law.


----------



## Kimberley17

2asdf2 said:


> I know you are finding the questions irksome. Just think that your comments about closing the thread reveal your uneasiness -still- about your future relationship with H, and your recent divorced.
> 
> Just the same, I encourage you to continue the discussion, as it will help you clear up your confusion, and better address issues that will come up in the future.
> 
> Your offspring ensure your relationship with your H will continue for many years.


I don't mind the questions at all. I suggested closing it because some on here are berating and think it's a pointless post. I guess they can just stay out then. I'm more than willing to discuss. I'm not trying to run away from anything.


----------



## 2asdf2

Kimberley17 said:


> Um, it is the law.. how is that disingenuous? My attorney even told me I don't have the right to deny child support as it is for the kids and not me technically. How is it my fault he has to pay? Please elaborate ..


Your comment "The law requires him to, *not me*." Is what is disingenuous. It implies that it is not according to your wishes.


----------



## LostViking

Kimberley17 said:


> The sanctimonious responses are really getting old. is there a way to close a thread?


Go back and delete the very first post and the thread will be deleted. 

Fine with me...this is one thread I could have lived without reading. I'm kind of mad for letting myself get caught up in it.


----------



## 2asdf2

Kimberley17 said:


> I don't mind the questions at all. I suggested closing it because some on here are berating and think it's a pointless post. I guess they can just stay out then. I'm more than willing to discuss. I'm not trying to run away from anything.


I appreciate that. You could just log off and move to something else.


----------



## Onmyway

Kimberley17 said:


> You're saying because I had an affair my kids shouldn't be entitled to child support? That's a crock.. This thread has totally gotten out of control. Why should my kids' standard of living change because their dad and I couldn't make it work??


So you're saying that you don't trust him to spend his own money on taking care of your children?

Do you think that if he doesn't give you the money directly that he'll spend it on other things instead of helping with the kids?

What do you think would happen if he wasn't paying child support and your children needed clothes? Would he buy them clothes or would he brush you off and try make you pay for them?

In other words, are you really concerned that without child support your children's standard of living would go down?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Myka

Kimberley17 said:


> At this point, no I wouldn't.


If this is how you would be treated, then it's your answer regardless of debate.


----------



## Grayson

Kimberley17 said:


> OMG, of course I wouldn't want my kids to cheat on anyone. You act as if you've never done anything wrong that you wouldn't want your kids to do. I've said so many times I know I handled it terribly and made mistakes. The sanctimonious crap is making me ill already.


I know you wouldn't condone their cheating. As I acknowledged, you've said as much.

My question was and is, seeing as you choose to continue to lie to your ex-husband, will you turn a blind eye if your children lie? It's one thing to say, "I made a horrible choice and would advise against anyone making that same choice." (Even if your actions indicate you don't think it was all that bad a thing). It's quite another to punish behavior that you actively continue to exhibit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Onmyway

Kimberley17 said:


> Sorry but you're incorrect. We do have joint custody just not shared where we each have equal time each week. He didn't and doesn't want that as he has said he wouldn't be able to handle the kids like I do. I believe even if he knew I had an affair that wouldn't change anything kid wise. As far as him being ok paying child support, He doesn't have a choice. It's the law.


I apologize, I mixed up the two.

But, I am changing my stance anyways, the other posters are right, it is far to late for any good to come from admitting this to him, another court hearing is the last thing any of you need.

Just be a good co-parent with him and try to make it up to him that way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kimberley17

Onmyway said:


> So you're saying that you don't trust him to spend his own money on taking care of your children?
> 
> Do you think that if he doesn't give you the money directly that he'll spend it on other things instead of helping with the kids?
> 
> What do you think would happen if he wasn't paying child support and your children needed clothes? Would he buy them clothes or would he brush you off and try make you pay for them?
> 
> In other words, are you really concerned that without child support your children's standard of living would go down?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Why do I have to justify getting child support because I had an affair? Still not getting the correlation. Even if he knew I had the affair he would still be paying child support. I honestly don't know how things would be handled if I wasn't getting support for them. He likes to go out all the time and drink and buy toys for himself so who knows.


----------



## Kimberley17

2asdf2 said:


> Your comment "The law requires him to, *not me*." Is what is disingenuous. It implies that it is not according to your wishes.


Of course I want the support but what i was saying is it wasn't my decision.


----------



## Kimberley17

Grayson said:


> I know you wouldn't condone their cheating. As I acknowledged, you've said as much.
> 
> My question was and is, seeing as you choose to continue to lie to your ex-husband, will you turn a blind eye if your children lie? It's one thing to say, "I made a horrible choice and would advise against anyone making that same choice." (Even if your actions indicate you don't think it was all that bad a thing). It's quite another to punish behavior that you actively continue to exhibit.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Considering my kids are both under 6 I haven't had to contend with that yet but I will absolutely punish for lying. What am I supposed to tell my kids. I cheated on daddy so it's Ok for you to lie too? C'mon. In spite of making terrible choices I do know right from wrong and am a good parent who raises my kids to be good members of society. But you know what? I was raised that way too and I grew up and have made mistakes. All I can do it not repeat them going forward. So, you're of the midset that I should spill everything to my ex and then I will be Ok to move on otherwise the rest of my life I'm a hypocrite?? This is fascinating like a train wreck..


----------



## Onmyway

Kimberley17 said:


> Why do I have to justify getting child support because I had an affair? Still not getting the correlation. Even if he knew I had the affair he would still be paying child support. I honestly don't know how things would be handled if I wasn't getting support for them. He likes to go out all the time and drink and buy toys for himself so who knows.


Honestly, if this was my situation, I wouldn't trust you with my financial obligation towards my children because you didn't put everything into fixing the marriage, you were too involved with your wants and your A.

If you were at the end of your rope and divorced with a clean conscience then that would be one, but you didn't. That was why I would want the justification.

But, I understand that everyone is different, your ex may not want anything different than it is now, and I am probably putting my personal bias on your situation. 

I still agree that you shouldn't tell him now, too little too late.

And again, I'm not sure how others here feel, but if I started a relationship with someone and found out that they had a A, and they never told their ex, it would be a deal breaker for me.

Also, I'm not here to beat you up, I'm just offering opinions. I don't know you, your ex or your kids. You have to be the best judge of what you need to do. We all do, even your ex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Grayson

Kimberley17 said:


> Considering my kids are both under 6 I haven't had to contend with that yet but I will absolutely punish for lying. What am I supposed to tell my kids. I cheated on daddy so it's Ok for you to lie too?


It's not about the past cheating...it's about the present-day continued lying.



> C'mon. In spite of making terrible choices I do know right from wrong and am a good parent who raises my kids to be good members of society. But you know what? I was raised that way too and I grew up and have made mistakes. All I can do it not repeat them going forward.


Yet you choose to continue lying going forward, yes?



> So, you're of the midset that I should spill everything to my ex and then I will be Ok to move on otherwise the rest of my life I'm a hypocrite?? This is fascinating like a train wreck..


If you teach them that lying is wrong, yet continue to live your life lying every day, well...sorry...that's a textbook definition of hypocrisy. If you can live with that, if you can look your kids in the eye, tell them that lying is wrong, knowing you don't practice what you preach, then more power to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dyokemm

Kimberly,

You and your fH made these decisions on custody arrangements, in particular you having sole residential custody while he was unaware of the truth about your relationship situation.

He probably was very comfortable with this arrangement because he had assumptions about your character and morality as a parent. 

He probably never suspected that you, now the primary person interacting daily with the children since he has surrendered his right to share equal time with them residing with him 50% of the time, were a person capable of having an affair.

This probably made him very comfortable giving you this position, because he assumed you would be the best role model. He even denigrated his own parenting abilities in comparison to your own when agreeing to the arrangement.

Do you believe he would have been so accommodating if he had full knowledge of what you had done?


----------



## karole

At some point in time, you will reap what you have sowed. Someone will most likely do to you what you did to your husband. If not, you will constantly be worried about it happening. Such is karma.


----------



## warlock07

Kimberley17 said:


> Because I thought I was sure.. When someone here brought it up to me that I should tell him it made me think about it. I have gone back and forth throughout this entire thread I realize that. It's called confusion. Sometimes hearing other people's point of view or opinions makes one second guess if what they think is the right decision really is. I have decided firmly to not tell him after our talk about how he is doing really great and in a good place. His words. I want him to be happy and move on.


How convenient of you to suddenly find your kindness and care for his well being!! 

So you are actually saying that you should be fine if your SO in your current relationship or future relationship is cheating as long as he does a good job of hiding it ? How may relationships were you in before this ?


----------



## warlock07

Kimberley17 said:


> At this point, no I wouldn't.


What about when you are in one ?


----------



## MattMatt

Not posing this question to be rude or provocative, but in a genuine request for information. How many affairs did you have? 

Are the children his?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07

you cannot wake a person pretending to be asleep

Good luck with your rationalizations. You will lie to your ex. You will possibly lie to your future SO's about this. You will probably have an excuse by then. It is this exact line of thinking that made you sign up for a cheater's site in the first place. You did not change. The selfishness just mutated into a different form. It still exists.


----------



## warlock07

Kimberley17 said:


> OMG, of course I wouldn't want my kids to cheat on anyone. You act as if you've never done anything wrong that you wouldn't want your kids to do. I've said so many times I know I handled it terribly and made mistakes. The sanctimonious crap is making me ill already.


Maybe it is your guilt that is making you ill.

You couldn't forgive his mistakes in the marriage while you reasoned out your own.


----------



## 2asdf2

Kimberley17 said:


> Of course I want the support but what i was saying is it wasn't *my decision*.


You are doing it again.

It was, and is, your decision.

You could refuse it, or give it back.

I get the feeling you can never be straight, without shading, dicing and slicing the truth.


----------



## MattMatt

Kimberley17 said:


> Wow, lots of assumptions in this post. I have always worked full time and still do. *It was an amicable divorce,* however, he does pay child support. The law requires him to, not me. We have joint custody but not shared custody. He did not want shared custody. I have residential.


*Amicable, because you lied to him.*


----------



## Squeakr

Kimberley17 said:


> Um, it is the law.. how is that disingenuous? My attorney even told me I don't have the right to deny child support as it is for the kids and not me technically. How is it my fault he has to pay? Please elaborate ..


Maybe a lawyer can step in an clarify, but from all of my searches, your statement of it being the law is not true. 

It can be state mandated (which means suggested as a general guideline settlement but can be overridden by judges decree and decision), but I could find no such claim of actual laws existing for the acceptance of child support (except when it pertains to the spouse denying to accept the court ordered judgement, and then it must be accepted). 

I am not saying that you should not accept it for your children's sake and standard of living, but that it could have been part of the bargaining process to ask that it not be granted (a judge can deny such request as well) had you have desired such.

I did find several cases where a spouse did not wish to receive any child support and was granted that with the divorce settlement.

Of course your lawyer is going to tell you what he wants you to believe, because they have a due diligence to provide you the best representation. IF they do not then they can risk losing their bar status and be held liable for their misrepresentations and failure to to provide proper defense.


----------



## Mtts

Kimberley17 said:


> I do not feel guilty. I feel kind of justified as he never took me seriously.


This is how I know what I wrote is true. That right there is who you are as a person. That right there sums up this whole thread and why you should just bury your "qualm" about telling or not. Don't bother, it's your problem and not his. 

I'd bet if we met in real life I could peg you dead on a mile away. People like you are incredibly transparent and obvious in their character/morals. 

Good luck!


----------



## LostCPA

From everything I've read from the OP, I truly believe her exH is far better off without her. I have not seen one once of evidence that the OP has the least bit of honor or integrity.


Please leave this poor man alone. Even with his faults he has done nothing to deserve the pure evil you have brought into his life. 

Those with integrity end one relationship before they begin another.


----------



## MattMatt

Kimberley, it seems to me, takes the money "because she was entitled to it".

She had the affair because "she was entitled to it."

This is obviously what happens when a commoner marries an entitled princess.


----------



## Kimberley17

Dyokemm said:


> Kimberly,
> 
> You and your fH made these decisions on custody arrangements, in particular you having sole residential custody while he was unaware of the truth about your relationship situation.
> 
> He probably was very comfortable with this arrangement because he had assumptions about your character and morality as a parent.
> 
> He probably never suspected that you, now the primary person interacting daily with the children since he has surrendered his right to share equal time with them residing with him 50% of the time, were a person capable of having an affair.
> 
> This probably made him very comfortable giving you this position, because he assumed you would be the best role model. He even denigrated his own parenting abilities in comparison to your own when agreeing to the arrangement.
> 
> Do you believe he would have been so accommodating if he had full knowledge of what you had done?


Yes, I absolutely do. He never wanted much to do with the kids anyway..


----------



## Kimberley17

LostCPA said:


> From everything I've read from the OP, I truly believe her exH is far better off without her. I have not seen one once of evidence that the OP has the least bit of honor or integrity.
> 
> 
> Please leave this poor man alone. Even with his faults he has done nothing to deserve the pure evil you have brought into his life.
> 
> Those with integrity end one relationship before they begin another.


It's pure evil to have an affair? Isn't that just a tad dramatic? Terribly wrong anf lackimng character and integrity, yes, but evil? And I agree with you that he is better off without me. That is why we got divorced so he can hopefully find someone who loves him because I no longer do.


----------



## Kimberley17

Grayson said:


> It's not about the past cheating...it's about the present-day continued lying.
> 
> 
> 
> Yet you choose to continue lying going forward, yes?
> 
> 
> 
> If you teach them that lying is wrong, yet continue to live your life lying every day, well...sorry...that's a textbook definition of hypocrisy. If you can live with that, if you can look your kids in the eye, tell them that lying is wrong, knowing you don't practice what you preach, then more power to you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What if it was a differnt type of lie? Like doing drugs or drinking and driving? Or lying about how much money was spent on something? That would be more acceptable? And what about people who have skeltons in their closet (whatever they may be)? You can't be 'that' perfect.


----------



## Shaggy

Kim,

I'm going to reverse myself and say do not tell him.

It would only complicate your life if he knew.

So you win.

You get to be a cheater and you get to never face or feel a single consequence for betraying your marriage vows, for tricking your husband into wasting test final year of marriage with you foolishly trying to make the marriage work,

You win, you get to jettison a man you didn't love, respect, or care about out of your life, and you were so clever that you made it so that you didn't have to do without sex during that last year of marriage. Hubby may have had a long dry spell, but you cleverly avoided it with your AM supported affair.

So you've won totally here. So, telling him the truth for once would only confuse him and hurt your winning streak.

I'll say this though, watch out for karma, it sneaks up on you.


----------



## Kimberley17

MattMatt said:


> Kimberley, it seems to me, takes the money "because she was entitled to it".
> 
> She had the affair because "she was entitled to it."
> 
> This is obviously what happens when a commoner marries an entitled princess.


I said that while I was in the midst of the affair there was a time i felt justified, yes. I was wrong and know that . I don't feel that way any more. Feelings do change you know but some of you flawless people on here, such as yourself, grab the bad things I've said and hang on to them. I've also said numerous time how I regret how I handled things and feel terrible but of course you don't mention that. Screw you.


----------



## Kimberley17

Shaggy said:


> Kim,
> 
> I'm going to reverse myself and say do not tell him.
> 
> It would only complicate your life if he knew.
> 
> So you win.
> 
> You get to be a cheater and you get to never face or feel a single consequence for betraying your marriage vows, for tricking your husband into wasting test final year of marriage with you foolishly trying to make the marriage work,
> 
> You win, you get to jettison a man you didn't love, respect, or care about out of your life, and you were so clever that you made it so that you didn't have to do without sex during that last year of marriage. Hubby may have had a long dry spell, but you cleverly avoided it with your AM supported affair.
> 
> So you've won totally here. So, telling him the truth for once would only confuse him and hurt your winning streak.
> 
> I'll say this though, watch out for karma, it sneaks up on you.


What's with this "I win" stuff? There are no winners in a divorce. And as far as my husbands dry spell I'm sure he's more than making up for it now and I say more power to him! And believe it or not my affair wasn't only about sex. How woulkd telling him complicate my life? WE'RE DIVORCED! What can he do other than hate me?


----------



## MattMatt

Kimberley17 said:


> I said that while I was in the midst of the affair there was a time i felt justified, yes. I was wrong and know that . I don't feel that way any more. Feelings do change you know but some of you flawless people on here, such as yourself, grab the bad things I've said and hang on to them. I've also said numerous time how I regret how I handled things and feel terrible but of course you don't mention that. Screw you.


Oh, Kimberley. You really do not get it, do you?

How do we know so much about you and your thinking? Some of us were your husband.

And some of us were *YOU*.

A minority of us covered both the role of you and your husband, too...

Yep. Some of us screwed up as badly as you. 

I could have done what you did. And lied by omission. But I handled it differently. I confessed what I'd done.


----------



## Kimberley17

MattMatt said:


> Oh, Kimberley. You really do not get it, do you?
> 
> How do we know so much about you and your thinking? Some of us were your husband.
> 
> And some of us were *YOU*.
> 
> A minority of us covered both the role of you and your husband, too...
> 
> Yep. Some of us screwed up as badly as you.
> 
> I could have done what you did. And lied by omission. But I handled it differently. I confessed what I'd done.


So, you had an affair but you're all ****y because you confessed? All I have to do is confess and I get a repreive? I think not. When did you confess?


----------



## Dyokemm

Kimberly,

If you say your H would not change his mind about custody arrangements, then there is no current material reason to tell him.

I still think there is an advantage to both parties mental psyche and ability to trust in matters concerning the kids in the future if the truth is exposed.

I really believe that complete honesty between people who have any type of a relationship, and you do as co-parents, makes that relationship function better.

It might be a personal preference for me, and I in no way know what your exH is like, but I despise people who are not honest with me, and I actually admire and find it easier to function with people who can admit when they have wronged me.

I follow this rule of behavior myself to a fault, and I find myself able to trust and work with others better who extend me the same courtesy.

But ultimately, you and your ex may have completely different personal behaviors and standards. Only you would know if this openness would hurt or help your future interaction.


----------



## Shaggy

But Kim, you did win. You didn't want him any more. You got the amicable divorce because he didn't have a clue as to what you were doing. You totally pulled it off. If he knew you were cheating on him, he likely wouldn't have been so amicable, heck he might have gone for physical custody.

You also didn't suffer any fallout from the wife of the guy you cheated with. So more winning.


----------



## 2asdf2

The problem with people having any empathy with you is that, unlike most WS here who slipped into an affair, you cold bloodedly sought someone to cheat with on the AM paysite. 

No innocent friendship gone awry, no drunken yielding to temptation, no unanticipated sudden urge.

Cold, calculated, premeditated, unjustifiable decision to cheat with......Anyone!!!!

Then here, twisting of words, lack of remorse, fuzzing of facts, attacking those who point out the flaws in your reasoning.

That is why you are being received the way you are.


----------



## Shaggy

From the time line, I'm guessing that while you we're asking for help in your marriage here on tam, you were also having your AM affair?

So you were also lying when you where here on tam.


----------



## BrockLanders

She vascilates between being remorseful and being entirled to an affair every other page. I ask the posters here, why bother? She's intellectually dishonest with herself, fellow posters and her ex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kimberley17

Shaggy said:


> But Kim, you did win. You didn't want him any more. You got the amicable divorce because he didn't have a clue as to what you were doing. You totally pulled it off. If he knew you were cheating on him, he likely wouldn't have been so amicable, heck he might have gone for physical custody.
> 
> You also didn't suffer any fallout from the wife of the guy you cheated with. So more winning.


I guess I don't like the way it sounds to say I won. Even if I tell him now haven't I still technically "won"? He'd never go for physical custody of the kids and even if he tried he wouldn't get it. I don't think having an affair would make me lose my kids plus he would have to prove it. The divorce was really only amicable for the kids sake. And I wasn't asking for anything at all. It was pretty straight forward.


----------



## Dyokemm

I think she is definitely at war with herself over this.

She goes back and forth because she knows telling is the right thing to actually do but she also knows it will change the way others view her in the future.

The sad part of this though is that mental back and forth will never truly go away, though it will become less intense with time.

It is the mental burden of knowing you have done wrong and concealing it.

It would go away completely if she came clean with her ex.


----------



## jackalope1963

Kimberly,

I mostly lurk on this forum; have been doing it for about a year. I just signed up recently. Not that any of that matter. With that said, I just can’t see any point in telling you ex-husband about the affair. It serves little purpose. I do have the following questions:

What did your husband do to make you so resentful and wicked towards him to make you decide to let another man slide in and out of you?

*In post #139 you agree that you are a sociopath*. Are you getting counseling to help you overcome that type of destructive behavior?

Finally,

You are young enough that you will find someone that will marry you or cohabitant with you (and may god have mercy on his soul). What have you learned from this experience that will make you an honest, caring and *faithful *partner?


----------



## Kimberley17

2asdf2 said:


> The problem with people having any empathy with you is that, unlike most WS here who slipped into an affair, you cold bloodedly sought someone to cheat with on the AM paysite.
> 
> No innocent friendship gone awry, no drunken yielding to temptation, no unanticipated sudden urge.
> 
> Cold, calculated, premeditated, unjustifiable decision to cheat with......Anyone!!!!
> 
> Then here, twisting of words, lack of remorse, fuzzing of facts, attacking those who point out the flaws in your reasoning.
> 
> That is why you are being received the way you are.


I'm not really expecting empathy but to be called "pure evil" is a bit harsh I think. Yes, I did look on AM to find an AP. I never joined or paid money but I did create a profile, you're right. Doesn't mean I would be with just anyone. Geez. Ok, I got it. An affair is more acceptable if it falls under the above mentioned catagories. Not sure I agree but whatever. And as far as lack of remorse. I am very remorseful. Was I always- no but I am now and people's feelings change. Hindsight is 20/20. I am not trying to be inconsistent but that is everything I've been feeling. I know it's messed up. I'm very confused.


----------



## Brokenshadow

Kimberley17 said:


> I'm not really expecting empathy but to be called "pure evil" is a bit harsh I think. Yes, I did look on AM to find an AP. I never joined or paid money but I did create a profile, you're right. Doesn't mean I would be with just anyone. Geez. Ok, I got it. An affair is more acceptable if it falls under the above mentioned catagories. Not sure I agree but whatever. And as far as lack of remorse. I am very remorseful. Was I always- no but I am now and people's feelings change. Hindsight is 20/20. I am not trying to be inconsistent but that is everything I've been feeling. I know it's messed up. I'm very confused.


Just curious, but from a WWs perspective, what was going through your head when you knew it was going to be physical? As in the minutes prior. Did you think about your H and what you were about to do to your marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kimberley17

jackalope1963 said:


> Kimberly,
> 
> I mostly lurk on this forum; have been doing it for about a year. I just signed up recently. Not that any of that matter. With that said, I just can’t see any point in telling you ex-husband about the affair. It serves little purpose. I do have the following questions:
> 
> What did your husband do to make you so resentful and wicked towards him to make you decide to let another man slide in and out of you?
> 
> *In post #139 you agree that you are a sociopath*. Are you getting counseling to help you overcome that type of destructive behavior?
> 
> Finally,
> 
> You are young enough that you will find someone that will marry you or cohabitant with you (and may god have mercy on his soul). What have you learned from this experience that will make you an honest, caring and *faithful *partner?


I was being facetious when I said yes to being a sociopath. I made the mistake of having an affair which has been a roller coaster of motions. I am not blamimg my husband for my affair but we didn't have a very good marriage for the last few years. You ask what made me so unhappy. Well, I told him I was unhappy and practically begged him to go to counseling and all he did was laugh in my face, for years. He ignored us (the kids and me), didn't pull his weight at home or with the kids, went out drinking all the time until 3am. It just created a lot of resentment and when I would tell him how I felt and was continually dismissed I bukit a wall and was starved for attention I guess in addition to be being mad as hell. I felt stuck. I just turned 40. At this time I have no desire to ever marry again. If i ever do get into a relationship it won't be as complicated because will not be married or have children togthr so it will be easier to walk away.


----------



## weightlifter

BShadow. I already asked this one on this thread. Look in my history.

Kim. When you joined AM. Did you get absolutely bombed by over 100 men inside of an hour responding? I read on the net (dont remember where) someone made a fake girl and did this and got HUGE response.


----------



## Kimberley17

Brokenshadow said:


> Just curious, but from a WWs perspective, what was going through your head when you knew it was going to be physical? As in the minutes prior. Did you think about your H and what you were about to do to your marriage?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It actually built up to the sex part. I was just so caught up in OM by that time I wasn't thinking of anything but wanting him. I remember when I was driving to meet him for the first time just for lunch I felt guilty and scared. Then after I kissed him I remember thinking I've really crossed the line and I can never say I've never cheated on him. That was a defining moment. I did think about my husband and felt so guilty. But none of those feelings stopped me and I selfishly went with it. And it got easier as time went on. When I say I went through a period of feeling justified I think that was because I was so hurt and angry at my husband. Obviously, very wrong. Just trying to explain how I was thinking/feeling at that time.


----------



## Kimberley17

weightlifter said:


> BShadow. I already asked this one on this thread. Look in my history.
> 
> Kim. When you joined AM. Did you get absolutely bombed by over 100 men inside of an hour responding? I read on the net (dont remember where) someone made a fake girl and did this and got HUGE response.


Once I created a profile I couldn't keep up with the emails. And I'm embarassed to admit I even posted a picture. Don't know what the heck I was thinking.


----------



## Dyokemm

I always find it a little depressing to read on here how a WS describes his/her mental state when things first begin. Nearly always the same story.

Its sad because its painfully obvious that they only happen because partners either fail to communicate or simply give up trying to.

And the next thing you know, a giant s**tstorm has been created in the relationship.


----------



## Kimberley17

BrockLanders said:


> She vascilates between being remorseful and being entirled to an affair every other page. I ask the posters here, why bother? She's intellectually dishonest with herself, fellow posters and her ex.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am not being dishonest with fellow posters. I'm getting rammed for being straighforward with everyone here. My thoughts and feelings have been all over the board in the past couple years.


----------



## Kimberley17

Dyokemm said:


> I always find it a little depressing to read on here how a WS describes his/her mental state when things first begin. Nearly always the same story.
> 
> Its sad because its painfully obvious that they only happen because partners either fail to communicate or simply give up trying to.
> 
> And the next thing you know, a giant s**tstorm has been created in the relationship.


So, what do you suggest should be done when one partner tries to discuss and the other refuses to discuss or dismisses them with an everything's fine stop looking for problems? Just curious. Not that an affair is the answer but would you suggest just calling it quits at that point? It takes 2 to work on a marriage.


----------



## Kimberley17

Dyokemm said:


> I think she is definitely at war with herself over this.
> 
> She goes back and forth because she knows telling is the right thing to actually do but she also knows it will change the way others view her in the future.
> 
> The sad part of this though is that mental back and forth will never truly go away, though it will become less intense with time.
> 
> It is the mental burden of knowing you have done wrong and concealing it.
> 
> It would go away completely if she came clean with her ex.


I sure am at war with myself over this. I want to do the right thing now which some think is telling him, others think that is selfish of me, some think I shouldn't tell him and I am torn. He seems to be in a good place now and I don't want to hurt him if he's moving along nicely but some feel I should be stoned if I don't tell him. I know everyone has a different opinion and I just wish I knew if my ex would want to know. Of course, thre's no way to know, If I had to guess and knowing him he may not want to know but maybe he would?!?! I just don't know.


----------



## Dyokemm

I agree it takes 2 to work on any relationship.

In that situation, I think the dissatisfied partner has to prepare and serve divorce papers with the ultimatum that unless there is immediate change, they are walking. Just threatening to do so is not enough, the reality of the divorce must be made clear.

And then, they must follow through if the other partner remains with their head lodged firmly up their own backside.


----------



## treyvion

jackalope1963 said:


> Kimberly,
> 
> I mostly lurk on this forum; have been doing it for about a year. I just signed up recently. Not that any of that matter. With that said, I just can’t see any point in telling you ex-husband about the affair. It serves little purpose. I do have the following questions:
> 
> What did your husband do to make you so resentful and wicked towards him to make you decide to let another man slide in and out of you?
> 
> *In post #139 you agree that you are a sociopath*. Are you getting counseling to help you overcome that type of destructive behavior?
> 
> Finally,
> 
> You are young enough that you will find someone that will marry you or cohabitant with you (and may god have mercy on his soul). What have you learned from this experience that will make you an honest, caring and *faithful *partner?


Sounds like she rolled that little pea size ball to the size of a big snowball used to make a snowman. It doesn't reduce too easily. So less friction with the lying and deception, feels powerful and clever. How can you guarantee someone a great relationship when you are always framing things to your benefit?


----------



## treyvion

Kimberley17 said:


> I was being facetious when I said yes to being a sociopath. I made the mistake of having an affair which has been a roller coaster of motions. I am not blamimg my husband for my affair but we didn't have a very good marriage for the last few years. You ask what made me so unhappy. Well, I told him I was unhappy and practically begged him to go to counseling and all he did was laugh in my face, for years. He ignored us (the kids and me), didn't pull his weight at home or with the kids, went out drinking all the time until 3am. It just created a lot of resentment and when I would tell him how I felt and was continually dismissed I bukit a wall and was starved for attention I guess in addition to be being mad as hell. I felt stuck. I just turned 40. At this time I have no desire to ever marry again. If i ever do get into a relationship it won't be as complicated because will not be married or have children togthr so it will be easier to walk away.


I'm 41 years old. I don't NEED to ever get married again. I am a fan of monogamous relationships which are taken seriously. So even if you got with a man like me, it would be the level of committment as a marriage ( without the cheating ). No one should need a paper or a ring to make them do right, and i don't mind putting a ring on my ladies finger.


----------



## Dyokemm

I don't agree at all that disclosing a wrongdoing and making an apology is a selfish action.

I can never understand why some people fear and hide from the truth and reality of the situations they find themselves in. (meaning those who advocate hiding their mistakes and foibles)

Being honest and making amends for injuries we have inflicted is never wrong in my opinion. Living dishonestly with dark secrets and not acknowledging our indiscretions and mistakes is never right.

People are not fundamentally good or bad, but the choices we make on what type a person we want to be are clearly right or wrong.

And I think disclosing is not only for the person you have done wrong to, it is also a declaration and action that announces what type of person YOU want to be.


----------



## treyvion

Dyokemm said:


> I don't agree at all that disclosing a wrongdoing and making an apology is a selfish action.
> 
> I can never understand why some people fear and hide from the truth and reality of the situations they find themselves in. (meaning those who advocate hiding their mistakes and foibles)
> 
> Being honest and making amends for injuries we have inflicted is never wrong in my opinion. Living dishonestly with dark secrets and not acknowledging our indiscretions and mistakes is never right.
> 
> People are not fundamentally good or bad, but the choices we make on what type a person we want to be are clearly right or wrong.


I was telling her to come out with the truth to her ex, because if he ever was her friend at a time - this might be exactly what he needs to hear to release fully and get on living his life, he wouldn't need to blame himself.


----------



## Kimberley17

Dyokemm said:


> I agree it takes 2 to work on any relationship.
> 
> In that situation, I think the dissatisfied partner has to prepare and serve divorce papers with the ultimatum that unless there is immediate change, they are walking. Just threatening to do so is not enough, the reality of the divorce must be made clear.
> 
> and that is exactly what I should have done ..
> 
> And then, they must follow through if the other partner remains with their head lodged firmly up their own backside.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kimberley17

Kimberley17 said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_




and that is exactly what I should have done ..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kimberley17

treyvion said:


> I'm 41 years old. I don't NEED to ever get married again. I am a fan of monogamous relationships which are taken seriously. So even if you got with a man like me, it would be the level of committment as a marriage ( without the cheating ). No one should need a paper or a ring to make them do right, and i don't mind putting a ring on my ladies finger.


I agree. a commitment is a commitment. you don't have to be married. I would definitely not chea
t again. it has made me not like the person I see in the mirror
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## treyvion

Kimberley17 said:


> I agree. a commitment is a commitment. you don't have to be married. I would definitely not chea
> t again. it has made me not like the person I see in the mirror
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Cool cool. It takes a while to peel back the onion which allowed you to decieve. But when you put yourself back together if it's mostly truth, you will have more integrity, your ability to recall should be a lot sharper, and it feels better to know you don't have to remember your lies, and it feels better to know your not hurting the one your supposed to be caring about. Wish you the best.


----------



## Dyokemm

Yes.

Kimberly, I think you would personally be in a much better mental place if you had followed that course.

Ultimately, in addition to all the other wrongs of the cheating situation, you seriously damaged and hurt yourself as an individual.

Most of us need to have a positive self-image of ourselves as a good person.

This is undoubtedly difficult for you now because of the actions you took.

The first step towards regaining that good self-image is to do the right thing and make honest amends for your mistakes. 

As I posted earlier, that is what a good person does. 

You are not fundamentally a bad person, no one is. But being good is not a state of being either.

Goodness is a factor/outcome of right action. 

And no matter what mistakes any of us have made in the past, we can always choose to begin doing right/good now and into the future.

This is what will make you recapture the self-image of a good person.


----------



## Brokenshadow

Kimberley17 said:


> It actually built up to the sex part. I was just so caught up in OM by that time I wasn't thinking of anything but wanting him. I remember when I was driving to meet him for the first time just for lunch I felt guilty and scared. Then after I kissed him I remember thinking I've really crossed the line and I can never say I've never cheated on him. That was a defining moment. I did think about my husband and felt so guilty. But none of those feelings stopped me and I selfishly went with it. And it got easier as time went on. When I say I went through a period of feeling justified I think that was because I was so hurt and angry at my husband. Obviously, very wrong. Just trying to explain how I was thinking/feeling at that time.


Appreciate the response. I meant as in actually in the room, knowing what was about to happen. Can't bring myself to ask this question of my WW. Did the taboo nature of it all turn you on more? Did you take off your ring?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Not sure if this has been covered but did you have sex with your husband while you were having sex with your AP? I will assume if so it was unprotected. Irrelevant whether oral was covered or not with a condom. For that alone you should tell your ex husband that you were with someone else. Imagine if he has to explain to a present or future partner why he has HPV and has no idea where he got it from. Your ex deserves the truth to know who you were sleeping with while you were sleeping with him


----------



## Keepin-my-head-up

It's been over a week.

So to keep things interesting, I say tell him.

Tel him over coffee, tell him over dinner, tell him over green eggs and ham, just tell him.

Heck, have some pity sex or make up sex with him and tell him afterwards.

I'd like to hear his take and how things went.

Seriously, it's almost going on two weeks and you haven't decided?

Count my vote as "TELL"


----------



## Mtts

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> It's been over a week.
> 
> So to keep things interesting, I say tell him.
> 
> Tel him over coffee, tell him over dinner, tell him over green eggs and ham, just tell him.
> 
> Heck, have some pity sex or make up sex with him and tell him afterwards.
> 
> I'd like to hear his take and how things went.
> 
> Seriously, it's almost going on two weeks and you haven't decided?
> 
> Count my vote as "TELL"


What lol? No, can't disagree more. She needs to stay away from him. She already cheated on the guy, just leave him alone. Seriously she sounds like she has enough going on her ex husband shouldn't be on her mind. He wasn't when she was cheating, why start now?


----------



## cledus_snow

i don't think you should tell him.

personally, i feel this is more for _your _benefit, rather than remorse for what you did. admitting to the affair is just another step for _you _to move on. if you really did feel remorse, you would've told him long ago.


furthermore, you stated that he's moved on and seems quite happy. leave him be.


----------



## Keepin-my-head-up

Why not tell him!?

You going to let him live a happy life thinking the split was amicable?

Actually. I'm just egging you on.
I think you have long decided/ realized how bad that would be for him.

Something's telling me that you enjoyed the fact that you were able to pull off the affair though.

Not judging, just making my unskilled observation.

I think part of you wants to tell him to see his reaction.
He got over you and the marriage to fast and easy.
No one does that to you right!
RIGHT!

Telling him would put him in his place and show that you were over him waaaay before he was over you!


----------



## Shaggy

Kim,

You say you've been all over the place for years here on TAM.

I disagree. You've been extremely consistent. You have an inkling og right and wrong, you post questions to TAM asking shouid you do the right thing or the wrong thing, and then after a lot of people put effort into giving you heartfelt advice, you do the easy thing that makes you feel good without any regard to you kids or (ex) husband.

You posted before the divorce about not feeling anything for your husband. Only now does it come out test you were one of those people who use AM to market yourself for an affair with one scumbag husband who is cheating also on his wife and family.

Of course you felt nothing for your husband. You had zero need for him except as a baby sitter for your daughters. You were getting the attention and sex from outside. Apparently it was also wilder and better sex than hubby could offer, so why would you feel anything for him. Of course your OM could give you person attention because he didn't have to compete with two young children in the home, and he was better at sex because as a scumbag cheater he was getting a lot of practice banging the othe cheaters on AM.

I say you won because you got to cheat like you chose to and you never have faced any fallout around the truth of who you've chosen to be, of the kind of person you chose to be and associate with intimately.

I do think your daughters have lost here. They've lost having a family with a dad in it. Of, never going camping with their mom and dad, they are missing growing up in a house with a man and father around them. Instead they are solely being raised in an all woman house by a woman whose values include joining AM and having a year long affair while falsely saying she's trying to fix her marriage,

So I'm worried about how this will affect your daughters future ability to have faithful marriages. Kids pick up a lot subtly from their parents, including their morals. You don't think the girls picked up on mommy being cold and distant to daddy? You don't think the girls picked up on mommy being happier when she was replying to her lover via text and email than she was when talking to daddy? You don't think the girls picked up that mommy was happier when she got to go meet up with her special "friend" John? 

And even now I'm sure their view of men and their father is shaped very much by your quite obvious resentment towards your husband. You've never posted anything remotely nice about him. You paint a picture of a cold, selfish, drunk who never was home. A man who was indifferent to his kids. A man who even now doesn't care if he sees his girls or not.


----------



## seasalt

I still think you shouldn't tell. The common thought about telling is when the betrayed spouse is to be given a choice to stay in a relationship with the betrayer. That is no longer a pertinent consideration.

Your connection to him is through your children. Why change whatever good feelings are left? That can only make your co-parenting efforts stained and difficult.

You went about conducting the last year(s) of your marriage badly. Make a change for the better.

Seasalt


----------



## MattMatt

Kimberley17 said:


> So, you had an affair but you're all ****y because you confessed? All I have to do is confess and I get a repreive? I think not. When did you confess?


The very next day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Brokenshadow

MattMatt said:


> The very next day.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Mattmatt, it's hardly fair to hold everyone up to your standards ;-) . You told me in another thread about how close you came. You were at the finish line, bout to cross it, but turned around. That's some super human feat right there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## olwhatsisname

Kimberley17 said:


> My husband and I have been divorced for 2 months. All we do is co-parent our children now. Our marriage was rocky for years and the last year of it I was having an affair. I have no intentions of ever telling him as I don't see the point now other than to hurt him. Looking for opinions on the subject.. If you think I should tell him please explian why and the same for if you don't think I should.


>Kimberley you are looking for an excuse to BURN him. give it a rest, the kidds will be beter off .


----------



## Grayson

Kimberley17 said:


> What if it was a differnt type of lie? Like doing drugs or drinking and driving? Or lying about how much money was spent on something? That would be more acceptable?


I'm fairly certain that teaching your kids that lying is wrong while continuing to lie is hypocrisy. Never mentioned anything about the subject, did I?



> And what about people who have skeltons in their closet (whatever they may be)? You can't be 'that' perfect.


What about them? "Perfection" is not required to avoid hypocrisy.


----------



## Kimberley17

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> Why not tell him!?
> 
> You going to let him live a happy life thinking the split was amicable?
> 
> Actually. I'm just egging you on.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I think you have long decided/ realized how bad that would be for him.
> 
> Something's telling me that you enjoyed the fact that you were able to pull off the affair though.
> 
> Not judging, just making my unskilled observation.
> 
> I think part of you wants to tell him to see his reaction.
> He got over you and the marriage to fast and easy.
> No one does that to you right!
> RIGHT!
> 
> Telling him would put him in his place and show that you were over him waaaay before he was over you!


you couldn't be more wrong. I truly want him to be happy, even with someone else, which is how I knew/know im not in love with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Grayson

Kimberley17 said:


> I'm not really expecting empathy but to be called "pure evil" is a bit harsh I think. Yes, I did look on AM to find an AP. I never joined or paid money but I did create a profile, you're right. Doesn't mean I would be with just anyone. Geez. Ok, I got it. An affair is more acceptable if it falls under the above mentioned catagories. Not sure I agree but whatever. And as far as lack of remorse. *I am very remorseful. Was I always- no but I am now and people's feelings change. Hindsight is 20/20. I am not trying to be inconsistent but that is everything I've been feeling. I know it's messed up. I'm very confused.*


While your words say you're remorseful, your actions say otherwise. True remorse would call for coming clean and admitting your wrongdoings and the pain they caused...not to strangers on an online forum, but to the people you wronged and hurt.

And you've said again and again that you have no intention of doing so. All the while, tricking yourself into thinking that bearing the burden of knowledge yourself makes you remorseful.

You say you want your ex to be happy, yet you've freed him back into the world with the "knowledge" that the failure of your marriage was his fault...that his then-beloved wife was working to salvage the marriage when she had, by her own admission, checked out, moved on, and was actively cheating while pretending to engage in that salvage work. So, you've set him on a path to approach any present or future relationships with warped perceptions of how he should proceed going forward.

You have full knowledge to (if we take you - an admitted liar - at your word) avoid making the same choices again. He does not have that knowledge.

I'm curious...will you tell any future partners of your cheating and how it contributed to your current, single status?


----------



## Kimberley17

Brokenshadow said:


> Appreciate the response. I meant as in actually in the room, knowing what was about to happen. Can't bring myself to ask this question of my WW. Did the taboo nature of it all turn you on more? Did you take off your ring?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_








I can only answer for myself but when it came time to have actual sex I recall being so caught up in the moment I wasn't thinking of anything other than OM. it was kind of like an escape from reality. My A started out physical but quickly became emotional. I did not take off my ring. thought about it though and before when I was contemplating having an A I thought I would take it off but didn't. yes, at the beginning there was a slight thrill because of how taboo it was. also, thst it was a secret that no one knew about other than him and me. and to this day I haven't told anyone other than you guys and
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kimberley17

Kimberley17 said:


> I can only answer for myself but when it came time to have actual sex I recall being so caught up in the moment I wasn't thinking of anything other than OM. it was kind of like an escape from reality. My A started out physical but quickly became emotional. I did not take off my ring. thought about it though and before when I was contemplating having an A I thought I would take it off but didn't. yes, at the beginning there was a slight thrill because of how taboo it was. also, thst it was a secret that no one knew about other than him and me. and to this day I haven't told anyone other than you guys and a shrink.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Grayson

Kimberley17 said:


> Once I created a profile I couldn't keep up with the emails. And I'm embarassed to admit I even posted a picture. Don't know what the heck I was thinking.


Sure you do.

"I want to get laid by someone other than my husband."

That's the _entire point_ of that site.


----------



## Grayson

Kimberley17 said:


> *I am not being dishonest with fellow posters.* I'm getting rammed for being straighforward with everyone here. My thoughts and feelings have been all over the board in the past couple years.


She's right, Brock. She's not being dishonest with fellow posters. Just with her ex (and, presumably, kids...and anyone else in her life affected by her cheating, but who doesn't know about it).


----------



## Kimberley17

Kimberley17 said:


> I can only answer for myself but when it came time to have actual sex I recall being so caught up in the moment I wasn't thinking of anything other than OM. it was kind of like an escape from reality. My A started out physical but quickly became emotional. I did not take off my ring. thought about it though and before when I was contemplating having an A I thought I would take it off but didn't. yes, at the beginning there was a slight thrill because of how taboo it was. also, thst it was a secret that no one knew about other than him and me. and to this day I haven't told anyone other than you guys and
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I want to be sure I'm clear. the trill was fleeting and I'm ashamed now and have been for a while. are you and your wife trying to work things out?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Brokenshadow

Kimberley17 said:


> I can only answer for myself but when it came time to have actual sex I recall being so caught up in the moment I wasn't thinking of anything other than OM. it was kind of like an escape from reality. My A started out physical but quickly became emotional. I did not take off my ring. thought about it though and before when I was contemplating having an A I thought I would take it off but didn't. yes, at the beginning there was a slight thrill because of how taboo it was. also, thst it was a secret that no one knew about other than him and me. and to this day I haven't told anyone other than you guys and
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And? And?!? Cliff hanger there ;-)

My advice would be not to tell. Since you're divorced, it's a moot point anyways. Your ex husband sounds like a piece of work, but doesn't need this hanging over his head. He might be hurting now because of the divorce, but time heals all wounds. Above it was suggested that you might tell the next man you're in a relationship with what happened. I wouldn't. I'm in R right now, but if I decide to file, I'm boxing up everything to do with this nine year relationship and her and tossing it into a dark corner of my mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 2asdf2

Kimberley17 said:


> I want to be sure I'm clear. *the trill was fleeting* and I'm ashamed now and have been for a while. are you and your wife trying to work things out?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This answer is right out of the book.


----------



## Kimberley17

Grayson said:


> Sure you do.
> 
> "I want to get laid by someone other than my husband."
> 
> That's the _entire point_ of that site.


believe it or not it was about more than just getting laid

it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 2asdf2

Kimberley17 said:


> I want to be sure I'm clear. the trill was fleeting and *I'm ashamed now and have been for a while.* are you and your wife trying to work things out?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am unclear. Shame about what?


----------



## Kimberley17

2asdf2 said:


> I am unclear. Shame about what?



everything I've done
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Brokenshadow

Kimberley17 said:


> I want to be sure I'm clear. the trill was fleeting and I'm ashamed now and have been for a while. are you and your wife trying to work things out?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We're trying, yeah. This whole thing is like an atom bomb. First it was the explosion of finding out which was horrible. Now it's the fallout. Her choices have f'd up my life. It's great having this stain everything going on (sarcasm). Her friend is dating some dirtbag, and she brings it up in idle conversation. That's good, she's not stepping out on this guy, but I was husband of the year and you cheated. Your family is poking their nose into our business and you want to tell them what happened? Awesome, now every time I see them they'll have it in the back of their heads that I'm stupid enough to try and work it out after you slept around. 

I'm a little angry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Brokenshadow

Kimberley17 said:


> everything I've done
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Shame is good. It's healthy, just don't let it consume you. 

My WW feels the same. She brought up the whole scarlet letter as an analogy. I told her that's protestants. We're catholics, so would probably just burn you at the stake.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 2asdf2

Kimberley17 said:


> everything I've done
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Like...burning the toast this morning?


----------



## 2asdf2

Kimberley17 said:


> everything I've done
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's what I meant by shading, dicing and slicing the truth. 

It confuses, not clarifies.


----------



## Kimberley17

Grayson said:


> Sure you do.
> 
> "I want to get laid by someone other than my husband."
> 
> That's the _entire point_ of that site.


believe it or not it was about more than just getting laid

it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bfree

Shaggy said:


> Kim,
> 
> You say you've been all over the place for years here on TAM.
> 
> I disagree. You've been extremely consistent. You have an inkling og right and wrong, you post questions to TAM asking shouid you do the right thing or the wrong thing, and then after a lot of people put effort into giving you heartfelt advice, you do the easy thing that makes you feel good without any regard to you kids or (ex) husband.
> 
> You posted before the divorce about not feeling anything for your husband. Only now does it come out test you were one of those people who use AM to market yourself for an affair with one scumbag husband who is cheating also on his wife and family.
> 
> Of course you felt nothing for your husband. You had zero need for him except as a baby sitter for your daughters. You were getting the attention and sex from outside. Apparently it was also wilder and better sex than hubby could offer, so why would you feel anything for him. Of course your OM could give you person attention because he didn't have to compete with two young children in the home, and he was better at sex because as a scumbag cheater he was getting a lot of practice banging the othe cheaters on AM.
> 
> I say you won because you got to cheat like you chose to and you never have faced any fallout around the truth of who you've chosen to be, of the kind of person you chose to be and associate with intimately.
> 
> I do think your daughters have lost here. They've lost having a family with a dad in it. Of, never going camping with their mom and dad, they are missing growing up in a house with a man and father around them. Instead they are solely being raised in an all woman house by a woman whose values include joining AM and having a year long affair while falsely saying she's trying to fix her marriage,
> 
> So I'm worried about how this will affect your daughters future ability to have faithful marriages. Kids pick up a lot subtly from their parents, including their morals. You don't think the girls picked up on mommy being cold and distant to daddy? You don't think the girls picked up on mommy being happier when she was replying to her lover via text and email than she was when talking to daddy? You don't think the girls picked up that mommy was happier when she got to go meet up with her special "friend" John?
> 
> And even now I'm sure their view of men and their father is shaped very much by your quite obvious resentment towards your husband. You've never posted anything remotely nice about him. You paint a picture of a cold, selfish, drunk who never was home. A man who was indifferent to his kids. A man who even now doesn't care if he sees his girls or not.


Actually Shaggy she did not "win." She is now a divorced mother. Every marriage goes through ups and downs. Every couple has difficult times. Instead of coming together Kimberley and her husband drifted apart. Instead of working together on their marriage she chose to invest her time and energy into having an affair. When she says that their marriage was over I say that's horse hockey. The marriage can always be worked on and it is never too late or too far gone. She says her feelings for her husband were gone before she cheated. The human mind is an incredible instrument. It protects us from injuring our own ego and keeps self esteem up even when we should be hysterically remorseful. Its a self defense mechanism designed for to prevent suicide and extreme depression over our bad choices. Its called rationalizing. The pitiful truth is that their marriage could have been saved. Both of them could have turned it around and become better individuals for themselves. each other and their children. But that didn't happen. Had Kimberley come clean to her husband when she was having the affair it might have created a crisis point in their relationship. It may have led to an epiphany for both of them and the marriage could have become all that each of them dreamed about. Instead it was hidden and rugswept leading to the destruction of the marriage and the creation of yet another broken family. Kimberley didn't win. Neither did her husband. And the children especially lost. The whole thing is sad and I have a feeling that years down the line when all the highly charged emotions have dissipated, Kimberley is going to look back with abject sadness and regret and say to herself "what have I done?"


----------



## VFW

Kimberley17 said:


> I can only answer for myself but when it came time to have actual sex I recall being so caught up in the moment I wasn't thinking of anything other than OM. it was kind of like an escape from reality. _Posted via Mobile Device_


You weren't thinking of the OM you were thinking about you. This behavior is very telling of you. It also bleeds into other areas of your life that you are, perhaps unknowingly, teaching your daughters, who will emulate your behavior. 

My mother put a curse on us children that goes like this: I hope that someday you have children that act the way you act. The curse worked! Is this really the behavior that you want your little girls to emulate? To break this cycle you need to enroll in counselling and get to the bottom of this behavior, so that you can prove to be the example they deserve. If you do nothing, then history is bound to repeat itself.


----------



## Shaggy

Kimberley17 said:


> believe it or not it was about more than just getting laid
> 
> it
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry, but AM is only about getting laid. Nothing more. and unfortunately nothing less.

It's a club fir married people who hate their spouses so much that they have gotten to the point that they no longer care if they are betraying the other persons trust or love. They no longer care about anything else than themselves and getting laid without getting caught.

AM is nothing but trashy cheaters looking to hook up with each other to get laid.

It isn't a book club for folks looking to chat.


----------



## Kimberley17

VFW said:


> You weren't thinking of the OM you were thinking about you. This behavior is very telling of you. It also bleeds into other areas of your life that you are, perhaps unknowingly, teaching your daughters, who will emulate your behavior.
> 
> My mother put a curse on us children that goes like this: I hope that someday you have children that act the way you act. The curse worked! Is this really the behavior that you want your little girls to emulate? To break this cycle you need to enroll in counselling and get to the bottom of this behavior, so that you can prove to be the example they deserve. If you do nothing, then history is bound to repeat itself.


I don't have girls I have two little boys and no, of course I don't want them to behave as I did. I am in counseling trying to work through my issues.


----------



## Kimberley17

Shaggy said:


> Sorry, but AM is only about getting laid. Nothing more. and unfortunately nothing less.
> 
> It's a club fir married people who hate their spouses so much that they have gotten to the point that they no longer care if they are betraying the other persons trust or love. They no longer care about anything else than themselves and getting laid without getting caught.
> 
> AM is nothing but trashy cheaters looking to hook up with each other to get laid.
> 
> It isn't a book club for folks looking to chat.


Really Shaggy? Have you been on AM? If not, then how do you know what it's like? And yes, some/most may be as you describe but I can only speak from my experience. I found one person who interested me and it went from there.


----------



## 2asdf2

Kimberley17 said:


> Really Shaggy? Have you been on AM? If not, then how do you know what it's like? And yes, some/most may be as you describe but I can only speak from my experience. *I found one person who interested me and it went from there.*


Or:

It went from there *until* I found one person who interested me.

I think that I have achieved all I can achieve participating in your thread.

Now I hear that you are in counseling, and that fills me for hope for your future, and your potential for change.

I would simply encourage you to stay in counseling until you find better ways to relate to others.


----------



## Shaggy

Kimberley17 said:


> Really Shaggy? Have you been on AM? If not, then how do you know what it's like? And yes, some/most may be as you describe but I can only speak from my experience. I found one person who interested me and it went from there.


Umm, it's on the front page of AM. It's in their marketing material.

They are a site dedicated to providing hook ups to people who want to cheat.

It is their purpose for existing, and their business model.

So yeah really.


----------



## bfree

Kimberley17 said:


> Really Shaggy? Have you been on AM? If not, then how do you know what it's like? And yes, some/most may be as you describe but I can only speak from my experience. I found one person who interested me and *it went from there*.


What went from where? Do you mean it led to sex? If so, I think you're making Shaggy's case for him aren't you?


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

AMs motto is Life is short. Have an affair. 

From the site: 
"Our married dating services work. We are the most successful website for finding cheating partners." 

Says it all.


----------



## jim123

Kim,

Why did you want to tell your X about the A. I do agree with not telling this soon after D.

Do you have a need to talk about the A and your marriage? Is this eating you up?


----------



## Onmyway

Kimberley17 said:


> believe it or not it was about more than just getting laid
> 
> it
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's right!!, And you keep making yourself believe that if it makes you feel better.



Kimberley17 said:


> Really Shaggy? Have you been on AM? If not, then how do you know what it's like? And yes, some/most may be as you describe but I can only speak from my experience. I found one person who interested me and it went from there.


Yeah, who knows better than you, am I right.



Kimberley17 said:


> I can only answer for myself but when it came time to have actual sex I recall being so caught up in the moment I wasn't thinking of anything other than OM. it was kind of like an escape from reality. *My A started out physical but quickly became emotional.* I did not take off my ring. thought about it though and before when I was contemplating having an A I thought I would take it off but didn't. yes, at the beginning there was a slight thrill because of how taboo it was. also, thst it was a secret that no one knew about other than him and me. and to this day I haven't told anyone other than you guys and
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In other words, "Shaggy, you are correct"

It started physical.....foot in mouth.


----------



## LostViking

This is a pro-marriage forum.....right?


----------



## bfree

LostViking said:


> This is a pro-marriage forum.....right?


Sometimes I wonder....


----------



## Grayson

Kimberley17 said:


> believe it or not it was about more than just getting laid
> 
> it
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I see.

So, apparently, you do know what you were thinking, despite your earlier statement.

Just one more lie for the stack.


----------



## Grayson

2asdf2 said:


> Or:
> 
> It went from there *until* I found one person who interested me.
> 
> I think that I have achieved all I can achieve participating in your thread.
> 
> *Now I hear that you are in counseling, and that fills me for hope for your future, and your potential for change.
> 
> I would simply encourage you to stay in counseling until you find better ways to relate to others.*


Unless, as with the last time we're aware of that she was in counseling, she's self-sabotaging...attending "counseling" for the sake of appearance, all the while having no intention whatsoever of gaining any benefit from it.


----------



## warlock07

Kimberley17 said:


> believe it or not it was about more than just getting laid
> 
> it
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


yeah, it was also about sleeping with a married man and destroying marriages. 

Your sons will be ashamed of you when and if they find out the truth. Live with that.

Same thing with your future SO's


----------



## warlock07

Kimberley17 said:


> you couldn't be more wrong. I truly want him to be happy, even with someone else, which is how I knew/know im not in love with him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You can stop lying. You married him for your own perceived selfish reasons, misleading him on how you actually felt about him. You cheated for your own selfish reasons. You chose a married man to have an affair with. you are probably lying about why it ended. 

What changes have you actually made? Atleast you acknowledge that You the person last year is not a good person. What changed now?


----------



## Kimberley17

warlock07 said:


> You can stop lying. You married him for your own perceived selfish reasons, misleading him on how you actually felt about him. You cheated for your own selfish reasons. You chose a married man to have an affair with. you are probably lying about why it ended.
> 
> What changes have you actually made? Atleast you acknowledge that You the person last year is not a good person. What changed now?


Believe what you want. I really don't care. The only thing I can do is not repeat my mistakes and make better choices going forward. Do you disagree?


----------



## Kimberley17

warlock07 said:


> yeah, it was also about sleeping with a married man and destroying marriages.
> 
> Your sons will be ashamed of you when and if they find out the truth. Live with that.
> 
> Same thing with your future SO's


I aspire to be like you. One who had never made any mistakes in life.


----------



## warlock07

Kimberley17 said:


> I aspire to be like you. One who had never made any mistakes in life.


That is an escapist argument. Do you actually believe this ?

Would an argument that "I raped person repeatedly over several months by "mistake" but the police cannot arrest me because I am sure they made mistakes in their own lives before..." sell with you ?

Extreme example but you see the point ? You want to compare yourself to a hungry candy store thief while you are committing international fraud. You haven't changed much considering your arguments. All mistakes aren't equal.


----------



## Onmyway

Kimberley17 said:


> I aspire to be like you. One who had never made any mistakes in life.


No one in here has said anything about any of your mistakes, everyone makes mistakes.

It's your choices that matter, what you choose to do.

So tell me where the mistake is in your story. Hmm, "Marriage wasn't going well, so I signed up on AM while I was married, met a married man and started a PA that slowly started to go EA, and then I divorced my husband without telling him the true reason behind the divorce". I personally fail to see any mistakes in your story, only calculated choices.

So not only does your anology fail by warlock's standard, but on this one as well.

Now if you want to truly compare mistakes, then do so, but calling out the mistakes of others in order to cover up your own mistakes is highly childish, not to mention that it's also a major argumentative fallacy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bfree

Kimberley17 said:


> Believe what you want. I really don't care. The only thing I can do is not repeat my mistakes and make better choices going forward. Do you disagree?


Let me ask you a question if I may. You are now divorced but you say you want your ex to be happy. Why aren't you considering the possibility that your divorce was a mistake? Why aren't you considering that while your marriage was sick the affair was the death knell? Why aren't you entertaining the thought that you and your ex husband might get back together?


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## MattMatt

The thing that niggles at me is that last year you came here for help because you wanted to save your marriage. 

But you didn't want to save your marriage, did you? You lied to us and wasted our time, because when you were pouring your heart out here, at the same time you were working with the Cheater's Paradise website going through the replies from the many men (some who were, like you married to women who were like your husband, being kept in the dark by their loving, caring husbands) who wanted to have sex with married women. 

Why did you bother coming here last year if you had no intention of telling the truth? 

Did you want validation that your husband was as horrible as you thought, so deserved to be cuckolded for a year? 

Was that your exit affair, but OM wanted something you didn't want? A bit on the side and his wife and children? 

Following your attitude here I begin to doubt that your husband was anywhere nearly the monster you portrayed him as.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kimberley17

Onmyway said:


> No one in here has said anything about any of your mistakes, everyone makes mistakes.
> 
> It's your choices that matter, what you choose to do.
> 
> So tell me where the mistake is in your story. Hmm, "Marriage wasn't going well, so I signed up on AM while I was married, met a married man and started a PA that slowly started to go EA, and then I divorced my husband without telling him the true reason behind the divorce". I personally fail to see any mistakes in your story, only calculated choices.
> 
> So not only does your anology fail by warlock's standard, but on this one as well.
> 
> Now if you want to truly compare mistakes, then do so, but calling out the mistakes of others in order to cover up your own mistakes is highly childish, not to mention that it's also a major argumentative fallacy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It was a mistake that I chose.. The definition of mistake - An action or judgment that is misguided or wrong. How is what I did not a mistake? It's all semantics.. Th divorce was because I was no longer in love with him not "because" of the affair. The affair was a result of being miserable as wrond as it was. And my god, I am not trying to cover up anything. You pick what you want out of my posts to use to your advantage. I was simply saying we are human and people screw up. It reality not an excuse.


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## Kimberley17

warlock07 said:


> That is an escapist argument. Do you actually believe this ?
> 
> Would an argument that "I raped person repeatedly over several months by "mistake" but the police cannot arrest me because I am sure they made mistakes in their own lives before..." sell with you ?
> 
> Extreme example but you see the point ? You want to compare yourself to a hungry candy store thief while you are committing international fraud. You haven't changed much considering your arguments. All mistakes aren't equal.


I see your point but yes, very extreme examples. I'm curious, what, in your opinion, is a comparable 'offense' to having an affair? Because the analogies you mentioned are all breaking the law which I haven't done. What I did is a moral issue not legal. I have to ask .. are you in R with your wife?


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## Kimberley17

MattMatt said:


> The thing that niggles at me is that last year you came here for help because you wanted to save your marriage.
> 
> But you didn't want to save your marriage, did you? You lied to us and wasted our time, because when you were pouring your heart out here, at the same time you were working with the Cheater's Paradise website going through the replies from the many men (some who were, like you married to women who were like your husband, being kept in the dark by their loving, caring husbands) who wanted to have sex with married women.
> 
> Why did you bother coming here last year if you had no intention of telling the truth?
> 
> Did you want validation that your husband was as horrible as you thought, so deserved to be cuckolded for a year?
> 
> Was that your exit affair, but OM wanted something you didn't want? A bit on the side and his wife and children?
> 
> Following your attitude here I begin to doubt that your husband was anywhere nearly the monster you portrayed him as.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hindsight is 20/20. Back when I originally posted I truly was 'wishing' I could get my feelings back for my husband all the while I was in an affair. I now see how stupid that was. I didn't see it while I was in the situation. It was my first and only affair and I wasn't exactly well versed on what I was doing. My husband is not a bad man. Just bad for me as a husband. He isn't a monster but was a lousy husband. I chose the affair. It is not his faukt I made that choice. It does take 2 to work on a marraige and even though I was in an affair while in counseling he also wasn't doing his part. It just wasn't meant to be..


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## MattMatt

Kimberley17 said:


> Hindsight is 20/20. Back when I originally posted I truly was 'wishing' I could get my feelings back for my husband all the while I was in an affair. I now see how stupid that was. I didn't see it while I was in the situation. It was my first and only affair and I wasn't exactly well versed on what I was doing. My husband is not a bad man. Just bad for me as a husband. He isn't a monster but was a lousy husband. I chose the affair. It is not his faukt I made that choice. It does take 2 to work on a marraige and even though I was in an affair while in counseling he also wasn't doing his part. It just wasn't meant to be..


This is sounding like affair speak fog.

I think it might be best to tell your ex husband before someone else tells him, or he finds out for himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bfree

Kimberley17 said:


> Hindsight is 20/20. Back when I originally posted I truly was 'wishing' I could get my feelings back for my husband all the while I was in an affair. I now see how stupid that was. I didn't see it while I was in the situation. It was my first and only affair and I wasn't exactly well versed on what I was doing. My husband is not a bad man. Just bad for me as a husband. He isn't a monster but was a lousy husband. I chose the affair. It is not his faukt I made that choice. It does take 2 to work on a marraige and even though I was in an affair while in counseling he also wasn't doing his part. It just wasn't meant to be..


If you were in an affair how do you know he wasn't trying to do his part? You do realize that because you were in an affair you might not have seen any effort from him even if he was making one right? You wanted to recover your feelings for your husband but you do realize that it was impossible because you were feeling for someone else right? You say it "wasn't meant to be" but its more likely that you made it "not be" because you were having an affair. Even now you are still not realizing what your affair was doing and did *to you *during that time. You still don't have the perspective to see that your husband could have morphed into a combination of Prince Charming and George Clooney and you still would have been detached. This is why I said down the road when your feelings have settled down and the need to rationalize and justify has abated you will sit down one day and say to yourself "what have I done?"


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## Kimberley17

MattMatt said:


> This is sounding like affair speak fog.
> 
> I think it might be best to tell your ex husband before someone else tells him, or he finds out for himself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No one else in this world knows about it other than you guys and the OM.


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## MattMatt

Kimberley17 said:


> No one else in this world knows about it other than you guys and the OM.


Really? What if the OM gets a case of the religions and decides to confess all to your husband to save his soul? 

And yes, this kind of thing can happen...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bfree

Kimberley17 said:


> No one else in this world knows about it other than you guys and the OM.


Not true.

You know it.


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## Onmyway

Kimberley17 said:


> It was a mistake that I chose.. The definition of mistake - An action or judgment that is misguided or wrong. How is what I did not a mistake? It's all semantics.. Th divorce was because I was no longer in love with him not "because" of the affair. The affair was a result of being miserable as wrond as it was. And my god, I am not trying to cover up anything. You pick what you want out of my posts to use to your advantage. I was simply saying we are human and people screw up. It reality not an excuse.


A mistake is an action that has unintended consequences. But you're right, semantics. But there are numerous people here that hate to hear an affair be called a mistake, it was a horrible choice that you fully knew would hurt numerous people. You didn't accidentally do anything.

And your divorce was partly caused by your affair, whether you want to admit that or not. If what you said above is true about coming here because you wanted to try to fix your marriage. 

If you were honest in your first thread and admitted that you were having an affair while wanting to fix your marriage you may have received proper advice and could have been able to properly focus on repairing your marriage.

So I hold to my belief that the affair did play a part in your divorce. 

I said it before, you did not divorce with a clean conscience. And I do speak from personal experience here, my wife acted just like you, and believed the same excuses that you so strongly hold to. It wasn't until I found out about her A's and knocked her out of the fog that she started to appreciate what we had in our marriage.

Again, I have a personal bias and I know that I can be wrong here, but I really doubt it. Sneaking around on, hiding things from and lying to someone that you "love" strongly changes how you perceive that person and your relationship with them. This is evident by how you constantly decide what is best for your ex without him being able to know the full circumstances. You are and have been making his choices for him without his knowledge.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Onmyway

Kimberley17 said:


> You pick what you want out of my posts to use to your advantage.


And let's get one thing straight, non of this is to my advantage. I'm not trying to beat you up or hurt you. I'm only on this forum to try to help people that are going through what I went through. I'm not trying to earn points here.

Maybe if you would stop being so defensive about everything you would be able to read our advice for what it is. 

As sickening as what you did is, most people here, including me, want you to be able to heal and never put yourself in this situation again. We also feel great remorse for your ex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Kimberley17 said:


> No one else in this world knows about it other than you guys and the OM.


Famous last words. LOL.


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## Grayson

Kimberley17 said:


> No one else in this world knows about it other than you guys and the OM.


Unless he's come clean to his wife.

Or bragged to his buddies.

Or told subsequent (or concurrent) AP's about you.

Where'd you two get together to stab your respective spouses in the back? A hotel? Hotel clerk saw the two of you. (Or did Prince Charming make you duck below eyeline in the car while he checked in?)

So, keep telling yourself that only a limited pool of people know about it. Some day, you may find out just how wrong you are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Onmyway

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Famous last words. LOL.


Lol, too true, what happens when and if OM's wife finds out and decides to go public? 

You're a woman that was married and specifically looking for a married man for an A (your own words too, you said that you were looking for someone in the same position as you) on AM. 

I doubt that anyone would feel bad exposing you, particularly since you're already divorced, they won't even have a hint of guilt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado

Kimberley17 said:


> It does take 2 to work on a marraige and even though I was in an affair while in counseling he also wasn't doing his part. It just wasn't meant to be..


It's complete delusion. He could do nothing while you were having the affair, he never had a single chance (deep down you know becasue it was you who decided he wouldn't deserved that chance). MC was a waste, even him/her would tell you so.
I believe this pretending, asking him to step up, going to MC while having and affair underground is actually the worse you did, worse than the affair itself.
It's shocking and a little worrisome you still have this mindset after all what happened last year, voming here, reading stories elsewere...

MattMatt is right, it's - still- foggie speek. Rationalizating full force. And the last line is such a copout!


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## Dyokemm

Kimberley,

The most likely scenario that will lead to your exH finding out on his own will be through OM. I doubt he will have some 'come to Jesus' moment like Matt alludes too.

But I also doubt he will give up the AM lifestyle. If he gets busted by his W, she will probably uncover all of the past liaisons of this POS and she may very well inform your ex that the reason he was unable to make any strides in saving your M was because you were banging the OM.


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## Dyokemm

I think if he finds out this way, it will make your interactions as co-parents MUCH more difficult.

People generally have a very hard time interacting and coming to mutual decisions with people they have zero trust for anymore or they consider to be complete liars.


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## warlock07

> This is evident by how you constantly decide what is best for your ex without him being able to know the full circumstances.


Yeah, she thinks she knows what is best for him. She cannot respect him to make his own decisions or reach his own conclusions. She wants to manage his feelings towards her for her own benefit.

Kimberly, did your H change after the marriage? What changes did he make that made the marriage a failure ?


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## Grayson

Warlock, keep in mind that any answer you get is goin to be a retcon, rewritten through the fog she's tightly wrapped herself in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt

Dyokemm said:


> Kimberley,
> 
> The most likely scenario that will lead to your exH finding out on his own will be through OM. I doubt he will have some 'come to Jesus' moment like Matt alludes too.
> 
> But I also doubt he will give up the AM lifestyle. If he gets busted by his W, she will probably uncover all of the past liaisons of this POS and she may very well inform your ex that the reason he was unable to make any strides in saving your M was because you were banging the OM.


I was thinking of a real case when a female hired killer converted to Christianity and, in order to save her soul, handed over all her records to the police, including full details of all her clients. Oops!


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## MattMatt

Dyokemm said:


> Kimberley,
> 
> The most likely scenario that will lead to your exH finding out on his own will be through OM. I doubt he will have some 'come to Jesus' moment like Matt alludes too.
> 
> But I also doubt he will give up the AM lifestyle. If he gets busted by his W, she will probably uncover all of the past liaisons of this POS and she may very well inform your ex that the reason he was unable to make any strides in saving your M was because you were banging the OM.


Or the OM could, under those circumstance, throw Kimberley under the bus.


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## bfree

*Re: Re: Now divorced but was having affair last year of marriage - Do I tell him?*



MattMatt said:


> Or the OM could, under those circumstance, throw Kimberley under the bus.


Now when has that ever happened?


----------



## MattMatt

bfree said:


> Now when has that ever happened?


So many times the bus now has a timetable, with a scheduled route, with regular stops.:rofl:


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## Kimberley17

warlock07 said:


> Yeah, she thinks she knows what is best for him. She cannot respect him to make his own decisions or reach his own conclusions. She wants to manage his feelings towards her for her own benefit.
> 
> Kimberly, did your H change after the marriage? What changes did he make that made the marriage a failure ?


Yes, he changed after we got married but if I answer you all you and everyone else will say is that I am putting the blame of cheating on him. I am not. Yes, I ws miserable with him for various reasons but it was my choice to go doen that road. And when I say he wasn't making changes while we were going to MC i meant obvious changes that the counselor suggested such as ciming home at a reasonable hour when out instead of 3am drunk, or hloing more with the household chores and kids which he didn't attempt to do at all.


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## Kimberley17

MattMatt said:


> Or the OM could, under those circumstance, throw Kimberley under the bus.


I don't see how that could happen considering I've moved since he and I were together and he has no idea where I am. Plus, it's been about 9 months since it ended.


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## Kimberley17

Acabado said:


> It's complete delusion. He could do nothing while you were having the affair, he never had a single chance (deep down you know becasue it was you who decided he wouldn't deserved that chance). MC was a waste, even him/her would tell you so.
> I believe this pretending, asking him to step up, going to MC while having and affair underground is actually the worse you did, worse than the affair itself.
> It's shocking and a little worrisome you still have this mindset after all what happened last year, voming here, reading stories elsewere...
> 
> MattMatt is right, it's - still- foggie speek. Rationalizating full force. And the last line is such a copout!


We were in counseling for many months aftr I ended my affair and nothing changed with my feelings towards him. I will admit at that point it was way too late. It was really too late before I started the affair. Once the love was killed I don;t know how to get it back. What mindset are you referring to?


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## Onmyway

Kimberley17 said:


> I don't see how that could happen considering I've moved since he and I were together and he has no idea where I am. Plus, it's been about 9 months since it ended.


Does OM know your real name? Did you ever email him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kimberley17

Onmyway said:


> Does OM know your real name? Did you ever email him?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ys, but he can't find my ExH that way. Even if he did what's your point? I should tell him in case he finds out some other way?


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## MattMatt

Kimberley17 said:


> Ys, but he can't find my ExH that way. Even if he did what's your point? I should tell him in case he finds out some other way?


If he wanted to, he almost certainly could. Even just a chance meeting in the street, finding him on Facebook, etc.


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## Onmyway

Kimberley17 said:


> Ys, but he can't find my ExH that way. Even if he did what's your point? I should tell him in case he finds out some other way?


If I knew your name and what you look like I could probably find you in less than 10 minutes. 

Also, keep in mind that in many states a divorce is public record, so there's your ex's name.

And I wasn't thinking so much of OM, but rather OM's BS, we tend to become first class PI's when we sense an A.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr

Kimberley17 said:


> I see your point but yes, very extreme examples. I'm curious, what, in your opinion, is a comparable 'offense' to having an affair? Because the analogies you mentioned are all breaking the law which I haven't done. What I did is a moral issue not legal. I have to ask .. are you in R with your wife?


You committed Adultery which is against the law, although most states don't prosecute it anymore but several still do. It waas not purely moral as you suggest.


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## olwhatsisname

the first 2 letters in DAD===D-A =Dumb a$$ my grandson told me that on Fathers day.


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## Shaggy

Every other person in an affair finds it directly kills their feelings for their spouse, why? Because they're getting plowed by their affair partner which showers them with huge amounts of attention, and easy illicit sex, while the lousy spouse is wanting to talk about kids, bills, the lousy way they are being treated by the cheating spouse,


So Kim, of course you didn't feel anything good for your husband, of course there was no way you were going to get those feelings back. Because you deliberately chose to trash your husbands love and throw him away back when you decided you would become a cheater, when you decided to sigh up for club scum at AM.

You killed any hope for your marriage by choice and you came on here on TAM as a cheap way to cover the small amount of guilt you had over that choice.

You never were honest with us back when you came here posting about not having that loving feeling. You kept saying it was a big mystery why you just didn't want him any more. You had many people give you great advice on how to work on your marriage, and all you did was post over and over that it just magically wouldn't work for you.

OF course it wouldn't work, it never ever had a chance because you had already decided to kill you marriage. You were already firmly into a new relationship with a scumbag cheater you went looking for on AM. 

Your husband never had a chance. You never gave it to him.

Cheaters see their spouses with derision and disrespect because they see they spouses as deserving to be cheated on, that the spouse made them cheat. They see their spouse as a fool because they aren't smart enough to know that they are being cheated on. They have no respect or love for the BS.

Gee, sound like your marriage?

I say don't tell your husband, but do admit to yourself, your marriage never had a chance after you chose to kill it and join AM.

I also suggest you spend time trying to imagine what you would feel like if it turned our your husband had chosen like you did, you cheat on you with a hotter, sexier woman for the last year of your marriage, if he had chosen like you to blow off the marriage and have himself a nice sexy affair including lots of wild kinky sex that his boring stupid wife wouldn't have with him. To imagine him and his sexy lover lying in bed together laughing at you and his clueless you were. Laughing about the stuff you were taking about in MC the other night, and his clueless you were, imagine them laughing at you and how boring in bed you were compared to his lover.

And imagine you sitting across from him in MC nit understanding why he was being distant and cold and apathetic about the marriage.

Try to put yourself for a while in his shoes. 

Cheaters , despite their best attempts to not, put off vibes the SO picks up in their gut. I suspect your husbands gut was warning him your entire affair that you weren't there anymore. That you had left him physically and emotionally, and that likely figured big time into why he didn't make the changes you wanted. His gut was telling him something was up, and that he shouldn't waste his time because he was being played, as it turns out he was.

I picked up on this on your posts back when you were in the affair. I never understood why you were so very determined to relish having no feelings for him. Why you were blowing off the advice people gave you. Now we know, you were already on a new sexual relationship and if you had tried to fix it with your husband you would be betraying your lover. You chose not to try because it would interfere with your affair.

We picked it up in your posts, do you think your husband didn't pick it up living with you day after day?

Of course you want to nicely compartmentalize your affair as having nothing to do with killing your marriage. You know that is simply not true. Your choice to seek out a sex partner on AM very much was you choosing to end the marriage. Your sent him for a year of sex, was you choosing the affair over your husband.

And I think maybe you are little by little coming to realize it too.


----------



## Vanguard

Kimberley17 said:


> First off, I have only boys and secondly that is ridiculous. I have stated many times I know what I did was wrong. I don't walk around advocating cheating. *Just because someone does something wrong doesn't mean they don't know right from wrong.* I absolutley would never tell my kids that is the way to handle things. And perhaps ny answer would have MORE conviction because of what I've done and the mistakes I've made.


You're right. It means they're worse than someone who doesn't know right from wrong.


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## Onmyway

"It wasn't that smooth as he wanted to work it out but I just told him I couldn't be who he wanted m to be. Our divorce was final 2 months ago and he's still bitter towards me at times but we co parent our kids rather well."

Do you remember this post? You posted this in your original thread. It doesn't sound like he was happy at all to me.

And instead of any honesty on your part, you gave him the stock "it's not you it's me" excuse.

Honestly, how do you think this made him feel? And do you care?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badbane

Kim do us all a favor and give up as best as you can remember a no bs record of your marriage and the A. One time line not summarizations. Go back and tell the whole story from the beginning. Because right now your story keeps changing. Your excuses keep flip flopping. I also think that it is sad that you just don't see how far reaching your affair went. I am willing to be that this isn't the only man you crossed the line with. I would bet you money that you have gotten too close to other men throughout your marriage. Even if you didn't have sex. Most people just don't wake up one day and search for an AP.


----------



## Twistedheart

While being a semi entertaining thread, it is impossible to take anything this person says with a grain of salt. Nothing but trickle truth, gaslighting, and duck and dodge technique.

All of her posts are text book 101 WS speak with no remorse or enough testinal fortitude to ever come clean about her past marriage.


----------



## Kimberley17

Shaggy said:


> Every other person in an affair finds it directly kills their feelings for their spouse, why? Because they're getting plowed by their affair partner which showers them with huge amounts of attention, and easy illicit sex, while the lousy spouse is wanting to talk about kids, bills, the lousy way they are being treated by the cheating spouse,
> 
> 
> So Kim, of course you didn't feel anything good for your husband, of course there was no way you were going to get those feelings back. Because you deliberately chose to trash your husbands love and throw him away back when you decided you would become a cheater, when you decided to sigh up for club scum at AM.
> 
> You killed any hope for your marriage by choice and you came on here on TAM as a cheap way to cover the small amount of guilt you had over that choice.
> 
> You never were honest with us back when you came here posting about not having that loving feeling. You kept saying it was a big mystery why you just didn't want him any more. You had many people give you great advice on how to work on your marriage, and all you did was post over and over that it just magically wouldn't work for you.
> 
> OF course it wouldn't work, it never ever had a chance because you had already decided to kill you marriage. You were already firmly into a new relationship with a scumbag cheater you went looking for on AM.
> 
> Your husband never had a chance. You never gave it to him.
> 
> Cheaters see their spouses with derision and disrespect because they see they spouses as deserving to be cheated on, that the spouse made them cheat. They see their spouse as a fool because they aren't smart enough to know that they are being cheated on. They have no respect or love for the BS.
> 
> Gee, sound like your marriage?
> 
> I say don't tell your husband, but do admit to yourself, your marriage never had a chance after you chose to kill it and join AM.
> 
> I also suggest you spend time trying to imagine what you would feel like if it turned our your husband had chosen like you did, you cheat on you with a hotter, sexier woman for the last year of your marriage, if he had chosen like you to blow off the marriage and have himself a nice sexy affair including lots of wild kinky sex that his boring stupid wife wouldn't have with him. To imagine him and his sexy lover lying in bed together laughing at you and his clueless you were. Laughing about the stuff you were taking about in MC the other night, and his clueless you were, imagine them laughing at you and how boring in bed you were compared to his lover.
> 
> And imagine you sitting across from him in MC nit understanding why he was being distant and cold and apathetic about the marriage.
> 
> Try to put yourself for a while in his shoes.
> 
> Cheaters , despite their best attempts to not, put off vibes the SO picks up in their gut. I suspect your husbands gut was warning him your entire affair that you weren't there anymore. That you had left him physically and emotionally, and that likely figured big time into why he didn't make the changes you wanted. His gut was telling him something was up, and that he shouldn't waste his time because he was being played, as it turns out he was.
> 
> I picked up on this on your posts back when you were in the affair. I never understood why you were so very determined to relish having no feelings for him. Why you were blowing off the advice people gave you. Now we know, you were already on a new sexual relationship and if you had tried to fix it with your husband you would be betraying your lover. You chose not to try because it would interfere with your affair.
> 
> We picked it up in your posts, do you think your husband didn't pick it up living with you day after day?
> 
> Of course you want to nicely compartmentalize your affair as having nothing to do with killing your marriage. You know that is simply not true. Your choice to seek out a sex partner on AM very much was you choosing to end the marriage. Your sent him for a year of sex, was you choosing the affair over your husband.
> 
> And I think maybe you are little by little coming to realize it too.


Wow. This really hits home. Although, I never laughed with OM about my husband most of what you say has a lot of truth to it. I really am a piece of **** aren't I? The times when I felt justified having the affair was when I was mad as hell at him or hurt by something he did or said. So not fair of me.


----------



## Kimberley17

badbane said:


> Kim do us all a favor and give up as best as you can remember a no bs record of your marriage and the A. One time line not summarizations. Go back and tell the whole story from the beginning. Because right now your story keeps changing. Your excuses keep flip flopping. I also think that it is sad that you just don't see how far reaching your affair went. I am willing to be that this isn't the only man you crossed the line with. I would bet you money that you have gotten too close to other men throughout your marriage. Even if you didn't have sex. Most people just don't wake up one day and search for an AP.


I am starting to see things a lot clearer now... Not sure where to go from here though. Do I tell him to cleanse my soul? Do I tell him because he deserves to know? Do I never tell to spare his feelings and just never repeat the same choices? Seriously, where does one go from here.


----------



## Shaggy

Kimberley17 said:


> Wow. This really hits home. Although, I never laughed with OM about my husband most of what you say has a lot of truth to it. I really am a piece of **** aren't I? The times when I felt justified having the affair was when I was mad as hell at him or hurt by something he did or said. So not fair of me.


Yep, first honest post I think I've ever read from you.

Do you tell him? I think you do need to come clean about how you never gave the marriage a chance, especially the last year and how you undermined any hope. If he asks you could tell him , but be honest about it being you that chose to be a cheater.

Frankly, I feel awful for your boys. You've successfully pushed your ex husband to the far edge of their lives and they are missing having him in their lives growing up. They are missing the day to day living with their father, and it is because of you and your choice to kill the marriage.

I do think you should be more kind and generous to them and their 
Dad and give him shared physical custody. Kids need their dad in their daily lives, not just a guy who takes them to the movies and park once every other Saturday so mom can go on dates and hookup.


----------



## Onmyway

Kimberley17 said:


> I am starting to see things a lot clearer now... Not sure where to go from here though. Do I tell him to cleanse my soul? Do I tell him because he deserves to know? Do I never tell to spare his feelings and just never repeat the same choices? Seriously, where does one go from here.


All I can say is, I would want to know if I was him. And I was at one point, but I found out on my own.

My W planned on taking it to her grave, she planned on divorcing me thinking that I would never find out. But honestly, my gut knew what was going on, even if my thoughts could not get to the bottom of it. I knew something was wrong and it was driving me crazy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64

Shaggy said:


> Yep, first honest post I think I've ever read from you.
> 
> Do you tell him? I think you do need to come clean about how you never gave the marriage a chance, especially the last year and how you undermined any hope. If he asks you could tell him , but be honest about it being you that chose to be a cheater.
> 
> Frankly, I feel awful for your boys. You've successfully pushed your ex husband to the far edge of their lives and they are missing having him in their lives growing up. They are missing the day to day living with their father, and it is because of you and your choice to kill the marriage.
> 
> I do think you should be more kind and generous to them and their
> Dad and give him shared physical custody. Kids need their dad in their daily lives, not just a guy who takes them to the movies and park once every other Saturday so mom can go on dates and hookup.


I couldn't agree more with you Shaggy.


----------



## Shaggy

Btw, one thing I think you definitely should do is to contact your affair partners wife and expose to her that her husband s a scumbag cheater who is screwing around on her.

She deserves to know, so she can honestly decide for herself if she wants to be with a scumbag loser like him.

I know you aren't going to do that, but it honestly is the morally right thing to do.


----------



## Kimberley17

JustPuzzled said:


> Kim, this may have been addressed elsewhere so I apologize if this is old ground.
> 
> Since the D has your ex gotten in better shape? This was definitely an issue for you back at the beginning of 2012.


No, not at all...


----------



## Kimberley17

Shaggy said:


> Btw, one thing I think you definitely should do is to contact your affair partners wife and expose to her that her husband s a scumbag cheater who is screwing around on her.
> 
> She deserves to know, so she can honestly decide for herself if she wants to be with a scumbag loser like him.
> 
> I know you aren't going to do that, but it honestly is the morally right thing to do.


Are you in R with your wife?


----------



## doubletrouble

Kim, I posted a while back and said don't tell him. I'm still in that camp, despite my normally 100% honesty policy in marriage. Your marriage is over, and it won't help him to know about your affair. 

On the other hand, if he's missing you or pining for you or showing you he still loves you, THEN I would change my "vote" here and say tell him, because he's in love with who he thought you were, not who you are (were). If he still loves you, he needs to know so he can heal, as in that case it would not be about you. Telling him in that case would be selfless on your behalf, because although it would hurt him, on the other side of it, it would help him heal from being in love with you.

It's a dilemma for sure, but I reckon that's why you came here.


----------



## Kimberley17

doubletrouble said:


> Kim, I posted a while back and said don't tell him. I'm still in that camp, despite my normally 100% honesty policy in marriage. Your marriage is over, and it won't help him to know about your affair.
> 
> On the other hand, if he's missing you or pining for you or showing you he still loves you, THEN I would change my "vote" here and say tell him, because he's in love with who he thought you were, not who you are (were). If he still loves you, he needs to know so he can heal, as in that case it would not be about you. Telling him in that case would be selfless on your behalf, because although it would hurt him, on the other side of it, it would help him heal from being in love with you.
> 
> It's a dilemma for sure, but I reckon that's why you came here.


I don't believe he still loves me. We had a conversation not too long ago and he told me he's in a good place and feels good about himself again. I was happy to hear that as I really do want him to be happy. That's why I am confusd if I should tell him. Some here are adament about telling him sayinmg he deserves to know and others say just let him be and don't tell him. I just don't know what to do ..


----------



## bfree

JustPuzzled said:


> Kim, this may have been addressed elsewhere so I apologize if this is old ground.
> 
> Since the D has your ex gotten in better shape? This was definitely an issue for you back at the beginning of 2012.





Kimberley17 said:


> No, not at all...


I would bet that if while you were still married and in your affair you had come clean and confessed a crisis point would have been created and not only would your husband have had an epiphany but you might still be married. I've seen it many times and if you look around TAM you will see many such stories. And not just on TAM. If you look around at other sites and read other stories of couples that are R after affairs you will see that both men and women who were betrayed have used the crisis of the affair to address issues that they had previously ignored.


----------



## Kimberley17

bfree said:


> I would bet that if while you were still married and in your affair you had come clean and confessed a crisis point would have been created and not only would your husband have had an epiphany but you might still be married. I've seen it many times and if you look around TAM you will see many such stories. And not just on TAM. If you look around at other sites and read other stories of couples that are R after affairs you will see that both men and women who were betrayed have used the crisis of the affair to address issues that they had previously ignored.


Perhaps. Guess I'll never know now. It was a complete mess because even though I ended the affair I still had feelings for him and not my husband. I didn't have feelings for my husband for years before that. Maybe that would have been the wake up call my husband needed. I don't know. But, in reality he lied to me about communicating with an ex and the trust was just gone anyway. I really am much happier on my own with my kids now and my kids seem happier as well as they now get to spend quality time with their dad.


----------



## SoulStorm

Kimberley17 said:


> Perhaps. Guess I'll never know now. It was a complete mess because even though I ended the affair I still had feelings for him and not my husband. I didn't have feelings for my husband for years before that. Maybe that would have been the wake up call my husband needed. I don't know. But, in reality he lied to me about communicating with an ex and the trust was just gone anyway. I really am much happier on my own with my kids now and my kids seem happier as well as they now get to spend quality time with their dad.


Leave your ex alone....
He's happy..you're happy.
If your conscience is bothering you, then it shows that you cared more about your ex than you thought.

You killed the marriage within yourself the moment you decided that AM was an outlet. It may have already been stagnant, but the AM killed it..at least for you.
That is when you definitely left the marriage physically as well as mentally.
Leave him alone..let him be happy. At this point, I don't really think he cares anymore. He's moved on..let him.

If he were to question you about it later on, Then yeah...state your claim, for now..leave it alone.


----------



## Shaggy

So is it because of your high ethics that you don't want to betray your lover and expose him to his wife?

You don't want to violate the cheaters code of conduct? Because they might think badly of you?


----------



## badbane

kim I think you are starting to realize how this affair is going to affect you now. I have seen you really moving towards the aspects that caused the marriage to fail. I feel like you should tell him not just for his sake but for yours as well. I am glad you are happy. I just worry that as to look back you will have regrets. I am not saying that you should get back with him. But if you ever want to bury this hatchet I think you should come clean. I know from you perspective he seems good but your statement about him feeling good about himself again. Tells me that he really did have feelings for you. maybe work or whatever got in the way but the guilt only gets worse. and if you want to keep this relationship between you and your ex civil and not let that crumble too. Then tell him. I am glad to see you are doing well. The choice is yours and you will battle this over and over and over again. There is only one way to end this and that is to confess. Otherwise you will always be wondering if you should have told him. And god forbid something happens to him and you don't get the chance to tell him. This site will always have people on both sides of the fence. You just have to do make the choice now. 
either hold on to this until the day you die and have it weighting you down. You can come clean and let him and you deal with it and move forward.


----------



## treyvion

Yeah, not to pile on, but Kimberly17, can you understand how when you pulled your "chips" from the marriage and applied them to the affair, that there is no way in hell that the marriage can work, unless your maritial partner got broken down and didn't mind staying in that position?


----------



## bfree

I have serious doubts that Kim is really happy. Maybe relieved that she no longer has to deal with the stress from hiding an affair and pretending to work on the marriage. But happy? No.


----------



## Kimberley17

Shaggy said:


> So is it because of your high ethics that you don't want to betray your lover and expose him to his wife?
> 
> You don't want to violate the cheaters code of conduct? Because they might think badly of you?


Where are you coming up with that??


----------



## Kimberley17

treyvion said:


> Yeah, not to pile on, but Kimberly17, can you understand how when you pulled your "chips" from the marriage and applied them to the affair, that there is no way in hell that the marriage can work, unless your maritial partner got broken down and didn't mind staying in that position?


Yes, I do see that now. Once I made the choice to go outside my marriage it was ruined beyond repair I think.


----------



## Onmyway

Kim, I'm happy for you that you that you came to this realization, you will be able to move on now that you know the extent of your actions. Now just learn how to make yourself happy.

I still think that you should tell your ex so that he knows the full extent as well, particularly since you said that he wanted to work on the marriage instead of divorcing and that he was bitter towards you after the divorce.

But I understand why others are recommending that you don't. It is a tough decision.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

Kimberley17 said:


> Where are you coming up with that??


Because when I suggested you come clean to the OMW, you defected the question.


----------



## arbitrator

Kim: I believe that Thomas Wolfe was the author who said that "You can never go home again."

I get the impression that there is a twinge of remorse on your part for the actions you took. I really believe that you innately want to offer up some form of apology for your part in greatly contributing to the demise of your marriage by selecting the self-serving and self-justifying act of covertly entering into infidelity.

If your Ex is a decent guy who can stand up and face the truth, then I say he needs to know just as much as you need to disclose. But I'd recommend that you do it in the presence of either a pastor or a counselor.

No, Kim! "You can't ever go home again!" And that's even if the two of you were to ultimately choose to reconcile ~ it will never be the same.

The only profitable thing that it will do will perhaps foster some semblence of latent honesty and perhaps offer help to you two in co-existing; but the once-loving trust that was betrayed by your unilateral wanton and selfish act is gone forever and highly unlikely to ever return in this lifetime!


----------



## 2asdf2

arbitrator said:


> Kim: I believe that Thomas Wolfe was the author who said that "You can never go home again."
> 
> I get the impression that there is a twinge of remorse on your part for the actions you took. I really believe that you innately want to offer up some form of apology for your part in greatly contributing to the demise of your marriage by selecting the self-serving and self-justifying act of covertly entering into infidelity.
> 
> If your Ex is a decent guy who can stand up and face the truth, then I say he needs to know just as much as you need to disclose. *But I'd recommend that you do it in the presence of either a pastor or a counselor.*
> 
> No, Kim! "You can't ever go home again!" And that's even if the two of you were to ultimately choose to reconcile ~ it will never be the same.
> 
> The only profitable thing that it will do will perhaps foster some semblence of latent honesty and perhaps offer help to you two in co-existing; but the once-loving trust that was betrayed by your unilateral wanton and selfish act is gone forever and highly unlikely to ever return in this lifetime!


I'm afraid that the presence of a third party in these conversations only serves to shield the "confessant" from thorough scrutiny. It does not help the process at all for the BS.

It becomes like the police interrogation of a suspect with a defense lawyer present.

Should the BS also have someone in his/her corner?


----------



## cledus_snow

they way is see it, he's in a good place, you're in a good place, the children are in a good place. why ruin it? 

like i said, this should've been done long ago. now, it just sounds like you'd be rubbing his nose in it.

i say say you bite the bullet and keep it to yourself. this might be a sacrifice you have to make given your past behavior.


----------



## bfree

cledus_snow said:


> they way is see it, he's in a good place, you're in a good place, the children are in a good place. why ruin it?
> 
> like i said, this should've been done long ago. now, it just sounds like you'd be rubbing his nose in it.
> 
> i say say you bite the bullet and keep it to yourself. this might be a sacrifice you have to make given your past behavior.


But is he in a good place? This is a man that saw his marriage completely disintegrate and he probably doesn't have a clue why? Would any of us be surprised to learn that he is putting up a brave front for Kimberley but when he isn't with her he is wondering what is wrong with him that he couldn't keep his marriage together? Would anyone be surprised if he is down on himself because of all that has happened? He doesn't know the reason his life turned to shyte. Only Kim knows that and she has decided that he isn't worthy of the truth. I think its grossly unfair for anyone to make decisions for another especially in secret. Its a conspiracy of silence between her and her former affair partner and her husband is still being unknowingly emotionally cuckolded by them.


----------



## hookares

Time seems to change every affair and it's participants. My ex proudly told me of her affairs when she handed me my walking papers then let me know that many of my "friends" were involved as well as guys I didn't even know existed.
The only time she ever changed her tactics was two years later when she fell on hard times and hallucinated that I would show some sort of concern for her plight.
Perhaps the OP has ulterior motives, herself?


----------



## Nujabes

Why would you bring this thought up when you already hurt him enough? This is just disgusting.

You have the balls to come here on this forum to say that you should tell your past lover after you wreak their life up and expect us to embrace your idea or go against it neutrally so you feel like we won't scold you or something and that you can rest your action in one peace and pass up your guilt?

You're disgusting.

NEXT!


----------



## Kimberley17

Nujabes said:


> Why would you bring this thought up when you already hurt him enough? This is just disgusting.
> 
> You have the balls to come here on this forum to say that you should tell your past lover after you wreak their life up and expect us to embrace your idea or go against it neutrally so you feel like we won't scold you or something and that you can rest your action in one peace and pass up your guilt?
> 
> You're disgusting.
> 
> NEXT!


Huh? This makes absolutely no sense.


----------



## doubletrouble

Kimberley17 said:


> I don't believe he still loves me. We had a conversation not too long ago and he told me he's in a good place and feels good about himself again. I was happy to hear that as I really do want him to be happy. That's why I am confusd if I should tell him. Some here are adament about telling him sayinmg he deserves to know and others say just let him be and don't tell him. I just don't know what to do ..


Then based on my earlier logic (I hope it's logical), keep it to yourself. It's obviously eating at you, but at least it's only eating on YOU, and not your fBS. Your cross to bear, so to speak. It won't make him happy to hear about it.


----------



## Squeakr

Nujabes said:


> Why would you bring this thought up when you already hurt him enough? This is just disgusting.
> 
> You have the balls to come here on this forum to say that you should tell your past lover after you wreak their life up and expect us to embrace your idea or go against it neutrally so you feel like we won't scold you or something and that you can rest your action in one peace and pass up your guilt?
> 
> You're disgusting.
> 
> NEXT!


I think that you need to read the entire thread before commenting in such a way. She actually has maintained the thought and mindset throughout that she should NOT tell him and let him move on (although at times she waivers to the other side and admits to thinking telling him would be a good idea).

I, and other's here, don't think it is a "disgusting" idea to give the BS some closure to the issue and let him in on the "full" truth. Maybe you are one of the those that would rather not have the full story (as some are that way) and can get on fine with just knowing the basics, but that is the way you can function, not all are like you. I myself would have better and full closure if I know exactly what happened. By being cheated on, a man feels like he has been robbed of his dignity, self-respect, and manhood has been belittled or robbed from him. By suspecting this to have happened but never truly knowing is hard to move on from. With the full disclosure he can assess himself and the marriage in a full and truthful manner and gain the needed closure to move on (just because she is being told by him that he is better and doing good, she will never know as he could be lying about that just as she has been covering the affair and lying about trying to R).

I feel that your calling her disgusting is unfair and unwarranted. You may feel that way, and it is fine, but it is appreciated if you don't attack in such a way. 

Do unto others.....


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix

Hello Nujabes,



Nujabes said:


> Why would you bring this thought up when you already hurt him enough? This is just disgusting.
> 
> You have the balls to come here on this forum to say that you should tell your past lover after you wreak their life up and expect us to embrace your idea or go against it neutrally so you feel like we won't scold you or something and that you can rest your action in one peace and pass up your guilt?
> 
> You're disgusting.
> 
> NEXT!


First of all Kimberley is a *Woman *and a *Mother*, and she doesn't have any *BALLS*. _(Kimberley, please don't comment on this line.....)_ She has EVERY RIGHT to be on this FORUM just like YOU! You may NOT like HER thread but it's an EDUCATION for others to learn from. These are your words to Kimberley: *"You're disgusting."* The next time you look in the mirror say these words ALOUD *"You're disgusting"*, they are after all, your words and no one else's..........

*Post#1 is (50%) + All other posts to date, minus your post#441 (50%) = Complete story (100%). An EDUCATION! NEXT!*

Thank you!


----------



## Kimberley17

Madman1 said:


> HA HA HA,
> you guys are thinking she is asking "What is the right thing to do"?
> 
> HA HA HA HA HA,
> 
> If you read her thread (Shaggy I know you did, just quoting as a starting point) she is very self absorbed, right or wrong does not enter into it, its what is expedient for her happiness, that's the biscuit, the affair that's the gravy!
> 
> If she showed any remorse I would say tell him, but really she just does not want to think of herself as a cheater.
> 
> She wants to be able to say to the next guy "I came clean because I'm basically a good person, my husband drove me to it".
> 
> Don't tell him I say, take your shame on move on!


Seriously? Obviously, you haven't read much of my posts in this thread. I am very remoresful and I AM A CHEATER because I cheated, duh. Where do you people come up with this stuff.


----------



## chillymorn

cheaters never win.

they just fool themselves into thinking they are winning.

beep beep I hear the karmar bus a comming. better look both ways before your cross the street.


----------



## Harken Banks

Kimberley17 said:


> Seriously? Obviously, you haven't read much of my posts in this thread. I am very remoresful and I AM A CHEATER because I cheated, duh. Where do you people come up with this stuff.


Kimberley, somewhere in this thread you wrote of your affair that "I do not feel guilty. In fact I feel kind justified." 

Maybe you were. I have not read your other threads and even if I had would not know what it was to be in our shoes. But that sentiment is completely inconsistent with "remorse." I have written before that I don't like the term "remorse" so much in the context of infidelity. It seems to me an unhelpful wallowing and indulgence. To me the question for the unfaithful is are you sincerely and selflessly motivated to ease some of the pain you have caused, to salve the wounds, to repair the damage in your wake. And that seems also to be the question central to this thread. Statements like the one quoted above and your occassional defiant outbursts tell me the answer is no.


----------



## GutPunch

I say don't bother the man. 

Keep your shame to yourself. 

You have done enough damage to him.


----------



## Kimberley17

Harken Banks said:


> Kimberley, somewhere in this thread you wrote of your affair that "I do not feel guilty. In fact I feel kind justified."
> 
> Maybe you were. I have not read your other threads and even if I had would not know what it was to be in our shoes. But that sentiment is completely inconsistent with "remorse." I have written before that I don't like the term "remorse" so much in the context of infidelity. It seems to me an unhelpful wallowing and indulgence. To me the question for the unfaithful is are you sincerely and selflessly motivated to ease some of the pain you have caused, to salve the wounds, to repair the damage in your wake. And that seems also to be the question central to this thread. Statements like the one quoted above and your occassional defiant outbursts tell me the answer is no.


I understand what you're saying and yes, there was a time I felt justified and didn't feel guilty. However, even during the affair I did go back and forth between feeling justified and feeling terrible guilt. Now that the affair is behind me I am starting to see things much differently. How, in your opinion, can I ease the pain I have caused if my ExH doesn't know of the affair? I'm not blaming him but it's not as if he was this loving doting H and I was messing around, The marriage was very strained ..


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix

Kimberley17 said:


> I understand what you're saying and yes, there was a time I felt justified and didn't feel guilty. However, even during the affair I did go back and forth between feeling justified and feeling terrible guilt. Now that the affair is behind me I am starting to see things much differently. *How, in your opinion, can I ease the pain I have caused if my ExH doesn't know of the affair? I'm not blaming him but it's not as if he was this loving doting H and I was messing around, The marriage was very strained ..*


Hi Kimberley,
It's been a little while since I've been on your thread. Your words sound as if you want your ExH to take some of the blame away from you, in part exonerating you and justifying your affair, thereby easing your pain for the affair.


----------



## Kimberley17

FlyingThePhoenix said:


> Hi Kimberley,
> It's been a little while since I've been on your thread. Your words sound as if you want your ExH to take some of the blame away from you, in part exonerating you and justifying your affair, thereby easing your pain for the affair.


Just because I say he wasn't a loving doting husband doesn't mean I am trying to blame him. I was simply stating that because some on here have a picture of him being a model husband and not aware of any issues between us. None of this is his fault at all. I didn't always see it that way but I do now. My choice plain and simple. Things weren't good between us but i still chose the path I did. And I am not looking to be exonerated. And there's really no justifying it either. Terrible choice I made and I was totally wrong for how I handled things. I know all this. And I don't walk around feeling torn up with guilt. More like I am trying to figure out what it is about me inside that caused m to make such a wrong choice.


----------



## Kimberley17

Squeakr said:


> I think that you need to read the entire thread before commenting in such a way. She actually has maintained the thought and mindset throughout that she should NOT tell him and let him move on (although at times she waivers to the other side and admits to thinking telling him would be a good idea).
> 
> I, and other's here, don't think it is a "disgusting" idea to give the BS some closure to the issue and let him in on the "full" truth. Maybe you are one of the those that would rather not have the full story (as some are that way) and can get on fine with just knowing the basics, but that is the way you can function, not all are like you. I myself would have better and full closure if I know exactly what happened. By being cheated on, a man feels like he has been robbed of his dignity, self-respect, and manhood has been belittled or robbed from him. By suspecting this to have happened but never truly knowing is hard to move on from. With the full disclosure he can assess himself and the marriage in a full and truthful manner and gain the needed closure to move on (just because she is being told by him that he is better and doing good, she will never know as he could be lying about that just as she has been covering the affair and lying about trying to R).
> 
> I feel that your calling her disgusting is unfair and unwarranted. You may feel that way, and it is fine, but it is appreciated if you don't attack in such a way.
> 
> Do unto others.....


Squeakr, I just want to clear something up. My ExH never once asked me if I was involved with someone else. And I truly believe he never suspected either. As I said, thigs were in a pretty bad place for a while before I started my affair so he probably didn;t notice the difference if it made me more distant. There is also so much mor to the story that led me down that path it's so hard to write everything that has happened through the years. Bottom line, my choices sucked. I am also one of the people who would rather not know if he was having an affair during our marriage. I would have wanted to know during but it's a moot point now. Guess we're all different.


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix

Kimberley17 said:


> Just because I say he wasn't a loving doting husband doesn't mean I am trying to blame him. I was simply stating that because some on here have a picture of him being a model husband and not aware of any issues between us. None of this is his fault at all. I didn't always see it that way but I do now. My choice plain and simple. Things weren't good between us but i still chose the path I did. And I am not looking to be exonerated. And there's really no justifying it either. Terrible choice I made and I was totally wrong for how I handled things. I know all this. And I don't walk around feeling torn up with guilt. More like I am trying to figure out what it is about me inside that caused m to make such a wrong choice.


Hi Kimberley,

Read this please...

*"Without REAL communication between each other, there is no REAL connection between each other, without REAL connection between each other there is no REAL communication between each other. The two are inter-linked and one cannot exist without other."*

*Q.* Did you and your husband *EVER *have the above when you were married?

*Q.* Do you have the above *NOW *you are divorced?


----------



## Squeakr

Kimberley17 said:


> Squeakr, I just want to clear something up. My ExH never once asked me if I was involved with someone else. And I truly believe he never suspected either.


I understand and never implied (or meant to) that he had asked and you had withheld this information. I just know that the gut gives off feelings that are usually pretty dead on. He might have hinted and suspected but you didn't pick up on it so he let it go. Just read lots of posts on here where the OP is afraid to confront without evidence. He may have been in that boat and he may have not have had a clue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

Kimberely, was your husband really as bad as you believed him to be?

The reason I ask this is because many wayward husbands and wives unconsciously try to shift the blame for all marital problems onto the shoulders of their spouse.

There's a name for this phenomena: Blame shifting.

Also, they look back over the history of their marriage and re-invent the history of the marriage.

And if the WS has an affair and their wife or husband fails to somehow magically divine that they are having an affair, the WS takes that as proof that their spouse is too stupid to notice, doesn't really care or is probably having an affair themselves.

They also magnify any real issues, often to a ridiculous degree. For example a WS who has been in a marriage for -say- 15 years and whose marriage hit a rough spot six months previously will convince themselves that the marriage was never very good and that they always resented their horrible spouse and "never really loved them." 

Other people call it "monsterisation" in which the clueless faithful husband or wife is turned into a monster.


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## Harken Banks

Hey, Kimberley. Whatever I have written in the past, the fact that you are spending as much time here as you are, engaging thoughtfully and respecftfully, and apparently sincere in your questions and requests for advice says a lot. In my view and assuming your sincerity, you are to be commended for that. To me, there seem to be two questions. First, would this information, properly shared and with genuine "remorse" and concern, help your ex-husband? If yes, stop there and work on how you tell him. You are probably in a better position than most of us to make that call. The second is would your ex-husband want to know? If the answer is yes, regardless of your answer to question 1, you should tell him. That's my view. I would want to know. There is another thread here where someone today asked why anyone would want to know the details of their spouse's infidelity, suggesting that once the OP had enough information to know of infidelity, there was nothing to be gained from more information. A reasonable question, right? What good could come of it. Mostly only pain it would seem. And yet I would want to know. There are also a number of threads here (and some books referenced) about the need to know. To gather together every available piece of the puzzle to make sense of what doesn't make sense. Anyway, I would want to know and I would not want someone else to decide for me what I should and should not know.


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## treyvion

MattMatt said:


> Kimberely, was your husband really as bad as you believed him to be?
> 
> The reason I ask this is because many wayward husbands and wives unconsciously try to shift the blame for all marital problems onto the shoulders of their spouse.
> 
> There's a name for this phenomena: Blame shifting.
> 
> Also, they look back over the history of their marriage and re-invent the history of the marriage.
> 
> And if the WS has an affair and their wife or husband fails to somehow magically divine that they are having an affair, the WS takes that as proof that their spouse is too stupid to notice, doesn't really care or is probably having an affair themselves.
> 
> They also magnify any real issues, often to a ridiculous degree. For example a WS who has been in a marriage for -say- 15 years and whose marriage hit a rough spot six months previously will convince themselves that the marriage was never very good and that they always resented their horrible spouse and "never really loved them."
> 
> Other people call it "monsterisation" in which the clueless faithful husband or wife is turned into a monster.


Sometimes in the mind of a WS, their is a reversing of the polarity in their mind. So their mind will prove that their cheating was justified by putting together bits and pieces of information against their BS.

It's why after all these years of studying this stuff and the crazy stuff that can go on behind it, when it's far gone - and you realize your speaking to fog, it's best to let it go. 

It could prove to be fatal to try to continue using a WS as part of your "foundation", to try to "trust" them.


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## Shaggy

Kim, 

I'm leaving your thread. You've had way more than enough great advice given you, but your still debating.

For what it is worth, I do not believe you are remorseful. I believe you maybe are admitting just how selfish and evil your choice to have sex for a year with a married man while you where falsely claiming you were trying to save your marriage, but I don't sense remorse because you still throw out rationalization and justifications here and there.

You'll never tell you Ex, and you'll never break your pact of silence with the OM. If you we're truly remorseful you would be going to ends of the earth to address your choice to cheat. You would be telling your ex, and you would be telling the wife of the OM. You are more loyal to the OM now than you ever were to your ex.

I feel pity for your child that has been robbed of having thrum father living with them, and I do suggest that because you chose the A over your marriage that you definitely are responsible for the situation.

I'm leaving your thread because like your husbands last year with you, it is a waste to offer you advice when there is no hope of it ever being listened to.

I wish your ex and your child well.


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## Nujabes

Madman1 said:


> HA HA HA,
> you guys are thinking she is asking "What is the right thing to do"?
> 
> HA HA HA HA HA,
> 
> If you read her thread (Shaggy I know you did, just quoting as a starting point) she is very self absorbed, right or wrong does not enter into it, its what is expedient for her happiness, that's the biscuit, the affair that's the gravy!
> 
> If she showed any remorse I would say tell him, but really she just does not want to think of herself as a cheater.
> 
> She wants to be able to say to the next guy "I came clean because I'm basically a good person, my husband drove me to it".
> 
> Don't tell him I say, take your shame on move on!


Thank you! I wasn't able to express my thought correctly after staying up 2 days in a row studying. This quote pretty much explains it.

Too tired to refute the comments that were replied to me. But after reading a couple of posts the guys are now starting to be on the same page that I was on.

This girl just needs to move on. Having thoughts about letting out the truth just to worsen the situation... What the hell is this girl on? It's common sense pretty much. She just need to take her shame and move the freak on.

Who the hell comes onto a forum and say if they should let the police know that they just murdered someone. Go figure.


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## Acabado

Nujabes said:


> Who the hell comes onto a forum and say if they should let the police know that they just murdered someone. Go figure.


People, people. She didn't do that.
It's not how this thread started. She was told in another thread she should tell and started this to get opinions. She never thought about confessing until now.
I've stated she's unremorseful thou and will probably repeat in the future. But let's set the facts straight.


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## FlyingThePhoenix

Nujabes said:


> Thank you! I wasn't able to express my thought correctly after staying up 2 days in a row studying. This quote pretty much explains it.
> 
> Too tired to refute the comments that were replied to me. But after reading a couple of posts the guys are now starting to be on the same page that I was on.
> 
> This girl just needs to move on. Having thoughts about letting out the truth just to worsen the situation... What the hell is this girl on? It's common sense pretty much. She just need to take her shame and move the freak on.
> 
> *Who the hell comes onto a forum* and say if they should let the police know that they just murdered someone. Go figure.


Hello Nujabes,

*Your words: "Who the hell comes onto a forum"? People who have question(s) and would like sage advice from those that have gone through this before. This WOMAN (NOT Girl! Show some respect!), is here to find answers to her problem from Post#1. Tamers are FREE to post positive and negative constructive comments that will aid her in finding those answers. Since she is the OWNER of this thread and she can do whatever she wants with this thread. THAT'S, your words: "WHO THE HELL COMES ONTO A FORUM".* 

Thank you!


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## Harken Banks

I have gone back and skimmed some of your past threads. It is evident the disdain and resentment you held for your husband. It could not have been pleasant for him. I am sure he is better off without you. Several years ago, when I was only a few years married and had only 2 daughters, I was in a Biglaw lawyers forum where we discussed issues of the day, mostly as they related to our profession, and there was a women who on and on made jabs at her husband. His habits, interests, hygiene on and so on. I didn't know what to make of it and kind of accepted her version until another poster wrote something to the effect of "Do you really think that you are the only one with things to b*tch about just because you do all the b*tching?"


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## Nujabes

FlyingThePhoenix said:


> Hello Nujabes,
> 
> *Your words: "Who the hell comes onto a forum"? People who have question(s) and would like sage advice from those that have gone through this before. This WOMAN (NOT Girl! Show some respect!), is here to find answers to her problem from Post#1. Tamers are FREE to post positive and negative constructive comments that will aid her in finding those answers. Since she is the OWNER of this thread and she can do whatever she wants with this thread. THAT'S, your words: "WHO THE HELL COMES ONTO A FORUM".*
> 
> Thank you!


Apparently you never heard the word analogy. I'll just leave it at that.


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## Amplexor




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## bfree

Love you Amp, lol


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## MattMatt

Kimberley, if you don't tell him he and you will live a lie for the rest of your lives.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr

Old thread I know. Don't tell your ex but if you become serious with someone else later on, be honest about your past.


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## Jellybeans

I say why hurt him even more? Why would you want to tell him unless you want to inflict on him more pain?


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## Wiserforit

A tip for students of manipulative behavior:

It is thought by some that a narcissist or sociopath will not express remorse, shame, or guilt. But the fact is they do, only for a very different reason.

The narcissist/sociopath wants to make it all about them, so telling you how bad they feel is a disarming and deflection strategy. Look how bad I feel, you should feel sorry for me.

If you have ever lived with one you have experienced that confusing, deflating feeling where you are robbed of empathy for what they did wrong by turning the whole thing into an exercise in you comforting them for what they did wrong to you. :scratchhead:

There are some clues in this thread that raise the red flag for the keen eye. One of them is selective story-telling. Initially we are told that it is just too much effort and also irrelevant to explain why the marriage was in trouble. 

But then wherever necessary we roll out the worst things the other person did and use that to bash people for any criticism. One of the delightful things in that ambush is berating people for not knowing what went on in the marriage when you are the person who withheld the information in the first place. Typing that one sentence about drinking to 3 am and not contributing to the household takes just as much time as typing out the excuse why you can't say what happened in the marriage. So why type the non-informative statement instead of the informative one, which actually sounds like supreme justification for leaving the marriage? 

The answer is because that is too much of a lie to tell, as it omits any responsibility of the story teller. So you just hold the drinking until 3 am as a club to bash people with, shaming them into submission when they criticize you. And you never have to tell the actual story of the marriage and your own responsibility because this shaming tactic is usually pretty effective against people that don't understand how manipulators withhold the truth, and then selectively bring out the parts that are to their advantage.


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## mtpromises

I wouldn't bother.


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## wilderness

Kimberley17 said:


> I guess I don't like the way it sounds to say I won. Even if I tell him now haven't I still technically "won"? He'd never go for physical custody of the kids and even if he tried he wouldn't get it. I don't think having an affair would make me lose my kids plus he would have to prove it. The divorce was really only amicable for the kids sake. And I wasn't asking for anything at all. It was pretty straight forward.


I'd like to comment on this portion of the thread. To Kimberly, why wouldn't your XH get physical custody of your children if he went for it? You would block it? That right there speaks volumes about your character.

Why in the world would you feel justified in blocking your xh from obtaining custody? You _defrauded _him out of thousands and thousands of dollars through lies of omission and commission. And you harmed your own children by having an affair. Why in the world would you feel capable of raising these children?

Here is my advice:

1. Tell your x husband.
2. Admit that your character, morality, and ethics are not high enough to be raising children.
3. Offer him full custody.
4. Reimburse him for all of the child support he has ever paid, plus the attorney fees, plus the opportunity cost of having his life destroyed through your infidelity.
5. Admit to your children that you destroyed your own family and your husband had nothing to do with it (so they won't grow up resenting your husband).


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## MattMatt

Wiserforit said:


> A tip for students of manipulative behavior:
> 
> It is thought by some that a narcissist or sociopath will not express remorse, shame, or guilt. But the fact is they do, only for a very different reason.
> 
> The narcissist/sociopath wants to make it all about them, so telling you how bad they feel is a disarming and deflection strategy. Look how bad I feel, you should feel sorry for me.
> 
> If you have ever lived with one you have experienced that confusing, deflating feeling where you are robbed of empathy for what they did wrong by turning the whole thing into an exercise in you comforting them for what they did wrong to you. :scratchhead:
> 
> There are some clues in this thread that raise the red flag for the keen eye. One of them is selective story-telling. Initially we are told that it is just too much effort and also irrelevant to explain why the marriage was in trouble.
> 
> But then wherever necessary we roll out the worst things the other person did and use that to bash people for any criticism. One of the delightful things in that ambush is berating people for not knowing what went on in the marriage when you are the person who withheld the information in the first place. Typing that one sentence about drinking to 3 am and not contributing to the household takes just as much time as typing out the excuse why you can't say what happened in the marriage. So why type the non-informative statement instead of the informative one, which actually sounds like supreme justification for leaving the marriage?
> 
> The answer is because that is too much of a lie to tell, as it omits any responsibility of the story teller. So you just hold the drinking until 3 am as a club to bash people with, shaming them into submission when they criticize you. And you never have to tell the actual story of the marriage and your own responsibility because this shaming tactic is usually pretty effective against people that don't understand how manipulators withhold the truth, and then selectively bring out the parts that are to their advantage.


I think this more than adequately describes the why of Kimberkey.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anuvia

This is one of the worse threads I've seen on here.


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## weightlifter

Anuvia said:


> This is one of the worse threads I've seen on here.


Respectfull of course... HUH?

HUH? Compared to the Myka thread?
or what soveryalones former fiance did?
or Hard to detachs wife...
or
or

Too much groupthink. Sorry. K17 aint innocent but... DONT think she claims to be. lets agree to disagree.


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## crazyconfused

Kim, 
There is nothing you can do to change the past. But I think that if you truely feel remorse for what you did, and may e want to square your karmic debt, you wouldn't accept his child support payments anymore. You said the law makes him pay. There is no law against you giving it back. It's the least you could do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter

OR
any extra after true expenses goes into accounts in the kids names.


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