# What now...



## MrDude (Jun 21, 2010)

It has been a long time since I posted so here is a quick rundown.

Wife had an affair with Army officer and it continued with email, facebook, skype......
I confronted her and exposed it, it took about 5 or 6 months before it was "over".
Every few months they would start up on email again. That would only lasted a couple days before I found out again. I could tell by the way she acted.
About six months ago it was finally over for real. She wants nothing to do with him, he wants nothing to do with her and his Army career is now ruined.

This brings me to now. I have been thinking for a couple weeks about whether I wanted to post something.

I have been going to counseling and it has helped me greatly. I have tried to get her to go to couples counseling, but she refuses.
My heart is heavy because I am not sure I am in love with her any longer. I still care about her and am worried about her at times, but not that burning desire to be with her, or the feeling of something missing when not together for long periods of time (like when I have to go on a trip for work).
I don't want to leave, mostly because of the kids, but partly because I know it will completely crush and destroy her. She knows she effed up bad and says she will never forgive herself.

Advice, words of wisdom from the collective...

Sorry if this seems incomplete or if pieces are missing.
I'll answer any question the best I can.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you told her how you are feeling?


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

MrDude said:


> I
> 
> 
> I have been going to counseling and it has helped me greatly. *I have tried to get her to go to couples counseling, but she refuses.*
> ...


Marriage is an institution, for its well being everyone in the family should work hard, effort from one member cannot hold it for a long time. If you feel that she should go for counseling she should go and get help for herself and her family, if she is not ready means she is not truly remorseful or dont care about its well being. You should ask her firmly to go for counseling, else ask her to leave.

She is selfish, so she had the affair even after she is caught if she is not ready to work for marriage is a sad and disappointing thing.

Dont stay in the marriage for the sake of kids. She is a big girl so you need not worry much about what happens if you leave her, she will take care of it.

Was it a EA or PA? What are the consequences she had for her A?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your love is dying because she is rugsweeping. 

She killed your love for her. Simple. No mystery here. I loved my wife deeply and yet when DDay 2 came along, that husbandly love went bye bye. Didn't take long. I still worry about her and I do miss her terribly sometimes, but I no longer have the love that would ever compell me to take her back. 

She spent months being dishonest with you. That's why it behooves you even more to be brutally honest with her. Again, you will be taking the high road. You cannot keep living in misery with a person who repeatedly betrayed you and now just wants to rugsweep and not put the work in to making the marriage whole again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with her either. She only stopped the affair because she and the boyfriend got into a hissy fit, you, your children were irrelevant despite being repeatedly exposed. You can't love someone like that.

I think you should express your feelings to her, explicitly give her the "I love you but not in love with you anymore" speech and see what her reaction is.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If she's not contrite enough to even attend counseling, she's not all that remorseful about the affair and not particularly serious about improving her marriage. Even if leaving "crushed" her, she would only feel the weight of the crap she brought upon herself. Incidently, if we're talking about an active duty U.S. military officer, he'd be ripe to face charges of adultery under Art 134 of the UCMJ. Not the crime of the century, but a serious career ender for an officer.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Doesn't sound like she came back to marriage willing work on making it healthy. She just finally stop her affair and is now nasty toward her OM. That's not recovery, that her breaking up with her BF and staying in the same house as you and the kids.

I think that is a major part of your feelings for her. She has made an effort to reconnect with you, she just isn't having sex with the OM anymore.

This is bad dangerous ground because she will find another affair to jump into eventually. We all want a connection with another person, since she Inst building one with you, she WILL eventually find it again elsewhere. You need to demand that she gets busy fighting for you and reconnecting emotionally with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Sounds like she's worn you down. Sounds like you're the only one trying and it's getting too hard for you. She should be fighting to stay married to you, not the other way around.

Has she met all conditions now? Has she sent a hand-written no contact letter to the other man? Does she give you complete access to all her communication devices and accounts, not deleting anything anymore? Does she let you know her whereabouts 24/7?

Does she show any remorse?

It's been six months since it all ended. Tell her what you need from her. At least the conditions above. Also whatever else you need about time spent together, sex, companionship, etc.

*I have tried to get her to go to couples counseling, but she refuses.*

If you need her to go to counseling to get past this, let her know.

If she can't give you what you need to get over this, where else can this lead but to divorce? If you can't get over it, isn't that the next step?

Give her one last chance and, if she agrees to give you what you need, give it a few more weeks/months, then, if nothing begins to improve, pull the trigger and file for divorce.

If she doesn't agree to give you what you need, file now and move on.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

She betrayed, humiliated and disrespected you for 6 months having sex with this OM and putting your health at risk for STD's. Have you both been tested by the way?

You still remained with her and she refuses to even go for marriage counseling? This is ridiculous. What were her consequences for her betrayal of your marriage? It appears there were none and she does not have to do anything.

I may be wrong but you sound like a good guy. Do you think she engaged in this 6 month affair because she knew even if she got caught you would still forgive her anyway which means she had nothing to lose? It sounds to be that this OM dropped her so you were the backup plan. 

You should sit down with her and show her a list of demands that are needed for her to do for you to remain in the marriage. If the roles were reversed do you think she would have been so forgiving and accepting as you have been? Do you feel proud and special that she is your spouse? Her actions show she has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Was it EA or PA?


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## DreamWeaver (Aug 20, 2011)

I'm not sure I interpreted everything correctly but it sounds like the only reason the affair is over is because it caused the OM some issues with his career and now he no longer wants to be associated with her. If that hadn't happened would she still be in the affair? Probably. If she truly wanted to reconcile she would do whatever asked of her such as counseling etc... I don't feel she's truly repentant and it is understandable that you are questioning your love for her at this point. Tell her your feelings...if that doesn't make her realize what she is about to lose, nothing will.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The hard and pain full truth that comes out of your mouth when you tell her your feeling just like what you just posted, my turn on a switch that tells your WW you are on your way out, and she is about to lose you if she doesn't take the steps to keep you around.

In the same breath it just might be easier for her to let you go if you take the steps to get out of this marriage.

Who knows what direction your WW will take until you take the steps in asking her to leave, and explain to her why.

Some times you have to turn the tables upside down to get a reaction. It may not be the reaction you want, but a reaction all the same.... enough to move forward, with or with out your wife.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Can't say if this will help but here is a link:

Divorce Busting® - How to Save Your Marriage, Solve Marriage Problems, and Stop Divorce


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

keko said:


> Was it EA or PA?


He said OM is/was a career Army Officer and the affair ruined his career.

I think it is safe to assume PA.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You're still doing all the work to repair the marriage, that's why you're feeling like it's not worth saving. If she's unwilling to try and is happy with the status quo of what life used to be like then it's over.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

MrDude said:


> I don't want to leave, mostly because of the kids, but partly because I know it will completely crush and destroy her.


 You need her to go to counseling. If leaving her will crush and destroy her, that is what she will need to hear will happen if she doesn't go.

Choose a counselor very carefully. Find one that is trained to deal with infidelity. We found ours via a recommendation from a group that deals with sex / porn addictions and infidelity (they were too far away but knew other counselors). They will hold her responsible for her immature and selfish choices.

Without knowing more--she sounds like she holds you responsible for turning the OM away from her. It did end her round of fun.

She still is exhibiting serious disrespect for you. Ending the affair can't be the only condition for letting her back; she also has to recommit to the marriage and hold up her end of making it work.

But I hear you on the love thing. Cheaters, I think, just assume that the loyal spouse will always be there waiting for them like a puppy dog. There is only so much selfishness, however, that a good-hearted loyal spouse can take. And if you're done, it's because she never stopped being self-centered, even though the affair was over.


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