# I'm cheating on my husband



## HonestAdvice (Apr 23, 2014)

I have been reading through this forum a little and I know many have experienced a spouse cheating on them. My question is - if you didn't realize your spouse was cheating, do you wish they hadn't told you?

I've been seeking therapy for my fidelity issues but my husband doesn't know anything about it. My therapist insists that I have to tell my husband...but I honestly don't understand why. He doesn't know and I'm trying to fix the problem - because it's my problem. Wouldn't he just be hurt and blame himself?

Thanks in advance.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

"I'm trying to fix the problem"

Let us start with "how".


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

why would he blame himself for your cheating?

why are you cheating?

My advice is to tell him! how can you really love sombody and cheat on them at the same time? Or realise you don't love him and ask for a divorce!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

He deserves to know who you really are don't you think?

Is the reason you dont want to tell him is that you want him for a husband and the other man for sex?


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Not sure if this is real or if its a troll post.

Either way, you arent a very good person. You are a coward, plain and simple. You dont have the honesty or bravery to fix your issues with your husband so you take the easy way out and have an affair.

Then, you say you want to make things right but you dont have the courage to do the right thing and tell your husband.

Keep living the lie if it makes you feel better. The bad thing about lies and secrets.....no matter how hard you try to contain them, no matter how much you try to hide them, they will always, always find a way out. If thats the life you want to live, go for it. At some point in time, your husband will find out.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

HonestAdvice said:


> I............. *Wouldn't he just be hurt and blame himself?*
> 
> Thanks in advance.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

HonestAdvice said:


> I have been reading through this forum a little and I know many have experienced a spouse cheating on them. My question is - if you didn't realize your spouse was cheating, do you wish they hadn't told you?
> 
> I've been seeking therapy for my fidelity issues but my husband doesn't know anything about it. My therapist insists that I have to tell my husband...but I honestly don't understand why. He doesn't know and I'm trying to fix the problem - because it's my problem. Wouldn't he just be hurt and blame himself?
> 
> Thanks in advance.


Why, because he deserves to know the truth maybe.:scratchhead:

If i was being cheated on, of course i would want to know, I do not give my life, my heart, and soul, to someone if they're going to repay me by cheating and deceiving me. I deserve more, I married my husband, I am loyal, I am honest, and i deserve noting less back.

I cant think of nothing worse than me sitting here with a happy smile on my face thinking everything is hunky dory, while my husband lies, and deceives me.

Your therapist is right. Do the right thing and tell your husband.

Its not just your problem. Your married, your a team, Its not just your problem to fix, I have no doubt he will be hurt, but he deserves the truth, and you owe it to him to tell him, and let him decide what he wants to do about it.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I am a counselor and my wife cheated on me several times over our 30 year marriage.

There are several approaches counselors take in these situations. I am going to address the two most common.

One is, don't say a word. What they don't know won't hurt them and basically you have to work through your guilt. And if you tell them you will bring lots of pain and hurt to your husband.

Two, tell them.

There would be few exceptions for me to tell a client not to tell the spouse.

Marriage should be honest. Affairs are done in secret. In many cases the other spouse already knows that something is wrong. And there is always the risk of your husband finding out from a third party. If you want a relationship built on trust, one that is secure emotional and physical intimacy can develop, then you need to share the important things, the things that are important to the very foundation of your relationship. An affair impacts your marriage by destroying trust which should be the foundation of your marriage, the glue. By telling your husband about your affair will hurt him and may destroy your relationship. And it is hard because you will have to confess a moral failing something you should be deeply ashamed. But you have alredy betrayed your husband and you have already comprimised your marriage by having the affair. If you don't tell him it does not change the facts that you cheated on him. When you confess, you begin the journey towards repairing the damge you have already caused.

If you continue to keep it a secret the foundation of your marriage is cracked. Perhaps only you will see it. You may promise yourself that you will never cheat again and that you will resolve to make your marriage the best it can be. But there will still be that cracked foundation. I would say that out of respect for your husband you need to let him see the cracks too, because it will allow you and him to try to heal the relationship together.

Your husband thinks you have been loyal and you have not been loyal. Those cracks will spread. I think that mainly out of respect for your husband and the relationship you need to tell him.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

HonestAdvice said:


> I have been reading through this forum a little and I know many have experienced a spouse cheating on them. My question is - if you didn't realize your spouse was cheating, do you wish they hadn't told you?
> 
> I've been seeking therapy for my fidelity issues but my husband doesn't know anything about it. My therapist insists that I have to tell my husband...but I honestly don't understand why. He doesn't know and I'm trying to fix the problem - because it's my problem. Wouldn't he just be hurt and blame himself?
> 
> Thanks in advance.




*Doesn’t he have the right to know that he has a silent partner/s in Vag Inc., which he foolishly thinks he is the sole manager / beneficiary of?*

*Doesn’t he have the right to know that your ‘fidelity issues’ (sic) might be exposing him to some ‘immunity issues’* (as in ‘human immuno… …’)?

*Doesn’t he have the right to seek escape from quotidian boredom, the same way you do* – through orgasm excursions? (or if you insist, call it by its softer synonyms – ‘emotional support’, ‘validation’, ‘appreciaton’, ‘adoration’… …)

*Doesn’t he?*


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Having an affair is not a problem you "work through with a counselor". It is a choice you make to be a cruddy person every day of your life. Your husband knows he has a horrible wife and horrible marriage. The only mystery is "why". The counselor wants you to clear up this mystery for him. Plus, nothing will help you "fix your problem" like exposing it.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I'd say that it might be best if the damage is stopped as much as possible and that you shouldn't tell him, if of course you intend to stop cheating and want to continue your marriage.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Thorburn said:


> I am a counselor and my wife cheated on me several times over our 30 year marriage.
> 
> There are several approaches counselors take in these situations. I am going to address the two most common.
> 
> ...


Thorburn, this is quite possibly the best explanation I have ever seen why it is important to tell. And all wrapped up so nicely in 3 concise paragraphs. This should become a TAM sticky.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

HonestAdvice said:


> I have been reading through this forum a little and I know many have experienced a spouse cheating on them. My question is - if you didn't realize your spouse was cheating, do you wish they hadn't told you?
> 
> I've been seeking therapy for my fidelity issues but my husband doesn't know anything about it. My therapist insists that I have to tell my husband...but I honestly don't understand why. He doesn't know and I'm trying to fix the problem - because it's my problem. *Wouldn't he just be hurt and blame himself?
> *
> Thanks in advance.


Are you pretending to be selfless? Do you think that maybe, just maybe, he does blame himself currently for some of your marital difficulties without the knowledge that you are the one cheating on him? Perhaps, armed with the knowledge that you have been unfaithful, he might just STOP blaming himself, knowing that it is YOU causing the marital difficulties by betraying your vows?

Seriously. And you don't understand why you need to tell him what you have been doing behind his back? How your actions have betrayed the very core of your marriage vows? Does he not deserve the full story as to why your marriage is not working? Does he not deserve the right to free himself of the "blame" and the right to recognize that it is you who has driven the marriage into the ditch?

Just asking.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why are you paying money to a therapist but then not listening to something he's insisting you need to do? Why not just go to a bar or something, and get advice that matches what you've already decided you need to do?

C


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

If he had an affair, would you want to know?

If you will be honest, you would want to know.

You have built a wall between you and your husband to keep your secrets. He does know that you are distant. I did with my wife.

Tell him, please. Do not trickle-truth him. 

One possible way is to write him a time-line of the affair. Then find a good time, hand it to him and have him read it. 

Have you cut off all contact from your cheating AP?

What have you been doing to tear down the wall that you built to keep your secrets? 

You worked hard to cheat and lie and deceive and build the wall. So if you ever loved him, what kind of effort are you going to make to tell him and help him with the pain of being plan b or plan c? 

Do you want the OM or do you want your husband and the marriage? You are having your fun, so now tell him and let him choose. Good luck to you.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

ix the problem - because it's my problem. Wouldn't he just be hurt and blame himself?

Thanks in advance.[/QUOTE]

He would blame himself for what exactly?

Being a less than stellar husband?
Finding a POS other man to sneak around with and have sex with?

The first one, maybe. 
The second one is all yours. Or do you think he would say, "Honey, I know I haven't been the best husband. Why don't we go out tonight and find you some guy to have sex with as compensation for my shortcomings."


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

You know the best therapy for solving your cheating problem? Stopping.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Stop being so logical, MSP.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Let's put it this way: Would you really want you husband to find out about it from some third party? You may internally tell yourself that that couldn't ever happen, but is that a risk that you'd want to expose yourself to?

I don't think so! Best thing to do is to just up and tell him!*


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OK. How do you feel about your husband? Smug that he was so easily duped by you? 

Sad that you aren't what he thinks you sre?

Guilty because you exposed him to the risk of STDs/HIV?

And whilst condoms reduce the risk of infection they do not negate it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

HonestAdvice said:


> I have been reading through this forum a little and I know many have experienced a spouse cheating on them. My question is - if you didn't realize your spouse was cheating, do you wish they hadn't told you?
> 
> I've been seeking therapy for my fidelity issues but my husband doesn't know anything about it. My therapist insists that I have to tell my husband...but I honestly don't understand why. He doesn't know and I'm trying to fix the problem - because it's my problem. Wouldn't he just be hurt and blame himself?
> 
> Thanks in advance.


Did you not get the response you wanted when you posted this at alltop.com? Just wondering.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

HonestAdvice said:


> My question is - if you didn't realize your spouse was cheating, do you wish they hadn't told you?


I'd be lying if sometimes I didn't wish I didn't find out about my ex's affair. Afterall isn't ignorance bliss? But I think living a lie even if you don't know you are is poison for the soul. It's basically a red pill or blue pill question. I would sadly take the red pill like Neo did.

It's a double-edged sword, on the one hand you don't ever want to feel that kind of pain and it's tempting not too. Then again if the truth comes out then finding out from someone else versus your spouse is an even far worse pain. 

What grounds me in reality is that it's not the real question that should be asked of a BS because it almost implies that the cheating was inevitable. But cheating is a choice and one the BS wasn't given so they shouldn't be given a choice on whether to know about it. They should. Maybe the real answer is I wish my spouse wasn't a filthy cheating wh0re in the first place and THEY should of chose not to be. Like I did.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

HonestAdvice said:


> My therapist insists that I have to tell my husband...but I honestly don't understand why.


Because you got away with it and sometime in the future you may take a gamble again regardless of how you feel about it now.

You didn't have enough self control to stop it from happening and you are going to only rely on yourself to keep from happening in the future. You already crossed the line, its would be easier next time. 

On top of that now your relationship is basically a lie. You just broke your vows and you don't want to suffer the consequences for it. Hiding it from him is almost as bad as the A itself because odds are he will find out one day. There are a few stories on here about finding affairs YEARS after they happened and its no different than finding out during.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

I suppose it's still all about what you want and not what your husband/marriage want or need.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

HonestAdvice said:


> I have been reading through this forum a little and I know many have experienced a spouse cheating on them. My question is - if you didn't realize your spouse was cheating, do you wish they hadn't told you?
> 
> I've been seeking therapy for my fidelity issues but my husband doesn't know anything about it. My therapist insists that I have to tell my husband...but I honestly don't understand why. He doesn't know and I'm trying to fix the problem - because it's my problem. Wouldn't he just be hurt and blame himself?
> 
> Thanks in advance.


How is it that you can post such a cold an rational message about such a dramatic event?

To prevent people from assuming it is not real, please give more info and detail, and explain the lack of feelings expressed.


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## HonestAdvice (Apr 23, 2014)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

Y'all fall for the same stuff over and over. It's obvious what type of thread this is.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Anuvia said:


> Y'all fall for the same stuff over and over. It's obvious what type of thread this is.


Is the advice given any less valid?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

By not telling him doesn't solve a thing. If your going on the logic that what he doesn't know wont hurt him, is just an excuse to continue because if you choose to have another, then another and he's thinking that everything is fine, all you have done is dig a deeper hole. 

I'm a firm believer that when sneaking around becomes common place, sooner or later you trip over your own lie and it all comes out and when it does there is very little you can do to resolve the problem. Then when you ask for forgiveness and can't understand why your spouse refuses, you then realize why and it's too late


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

HonestAdvice,

can i ask you what have you done to address the issue yourself
i understand you are going through counseling but what exactly beyond that have you done...

if the affairs happen at work or through work...would you quit your job for your marriage?
if it happen with a friend of yours or both of you would you stop all communicates with the person?
have you been check for STDs
are you being transparent to your husband even though he doesn't know (but i suspect he may have a feeling...no one is that good)
I could go on but you get the picture. 
just seeking help is not going to cut it....


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## HonestAdvice (Apr 23, 2014)

This is for those that want further information - not trying to condone or excuse my actions here.

After my son was born I suffered from post partum depression. My husband backed away from me emotionally and physically. By that I mean that he never discussed feelings or anything other than the most basic, "We need to buy milk" or "I put gas in the car". He never initiated physical contact of any kind. I felt abandoned at a time when I needed him most. That's when a male friend stepped in and began supporting me. And it grew from there.

Eventually my husband confessed to me that he had felt helpless and terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing, so he shut down. By the time he told me this I was in the midst of my affair. We started working on our communication and I ended the affair, though still maintained the friendship. Yes, my therapist has told me to sever all contact with this man. It's hard though, to say, "Yes, you saved my life and helped me through the darkest of my days but now you need to go."

So that's the story. I appreciate a lot of the feedback so far.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Im not here to bash, because I know just how hard marrige can be and sometimes we make choices that are not the best for anyone, not even ourselves. We are human..

I personally think you should tell your husband. It is not only your problem its his also, he is after all your husband. And I say this because, he already knows, he may not know what it is exactly going on, but deep down he knows something isnt right. He will figure it out eventually

If you dont tell him, you will continue to do it.because you have gotten away with it.

You need to find out why you have stepped out in your marriage. There is no I in marrige. Cheating is a selfish way to solve problems. People who cheat justify it, so in their mind its not wrong.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

It's probably the other reason to tell your husband. Your therapist recognizes that you aren't making healthy choices. By telling your husband, you will be placed in a position where a series of cascading things will happen and you will be forced to face the real problem.

Right now you are just cake eating. Look at your husband and your baby; What do they deserve? Does they really deserve your lies, your ongoing friendship with a lover? Every day, more and more, he is going to suspect there's a body buried somewhere. Every day, more and more, you are going to reinforce that barrier where it's you (and your private stuff) and him. 

Is that what marriage is in your mind? Isn't it supposed to be "us"? That can't happen when you set yourself outside that wall.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

HonestAdvice said:


> ... to say, "Yes, you saved my life and helped me through the darkest of my days but now you need to go."


:slap: Really? Putting his privates in your privates 'saved your life?' 

What a fine man you have there. Screwing someone married with an infant. What character! What nobility! He rescued you from what? Your fidelity, morals, character, ethics, vows, promises, responsibilities, and on and on and on. He helped you become tainted, a unfaithful wife, a bad mother, a liar, and on and on and on. He's a 'good thing though'... right... :scratchhead:


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

My wife began cheatin right after my daughter was born...off and on, had a couple long term affairs and a few one timers...through the course of 4 years

I found out after 4 years of being oblivious when the om's wife exposed to me

looking back, I cant imagine ANY man who still has operational penis and testicles who would have rather not ever found out...I am glad I was told and only wish I had found out sooner

that said, I divorced her cheating skanky sperm bank ass and am moving on...let someone else finance that whoor


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

HonestAdvice said:


> Yes, my therapist has told me to sever all contact with this man. It's hard though, to say, "Yes, you saved my life and helped me through the darkest of my days but now you need to go."
> 
> So that's the story. I appreciate a lot of the feedback so far.


Ok. So keep cheating. And when your husband finds out, good luck.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Your therapist is correct.

You need to go NC with the POSOM. He is not half a man, to cheat with you. He is scum. Why can't you see that and he knew your were open and he would not have stayed around if he wasn't getting some on the side. Is the OM married? You should also tell his SO. 

How would you feel if your H has an affair? 

You are still in the affair fog. Listen to your therapist. Tell your H and really end the affair friendship.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

So you come here where people deal with the pain and deceit which comes with infidelity and ask should I keep lying to my husband......:scratchhead:



If by the off chance your not a troll the more you lie the less he will understand your "problem" you might as will tell him now it will come out eventually.


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## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

survivorwife said:


> Is the advice given any less valid?


Yes


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

You want help, eh? Do these things-

1) Post your A timeline

2) Post how you are keeping in touch with the OM and how much time per day do you devote to him. 

3) Tell us why aren't you divorcing your husband. Please don't say things like 'I'm sticking around for my kids', 'I love my husband', 'I don't want to hurt my husband'. If these reasons meant something, you wouldn't have had an affair.

3) Tell us why are you still continuing this affair. 

4) Tell us how you would reveal your affair to your kids when they are adults.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

HonestAdvice said:


> This is for those that want further information - not trying to condone or excuse my actions here.
> 
> After my son was born I suffered from post partum depression. *My husband backed away from me emotionally and physically*. By that I mean that he never discussed feelings or anything other than the most basic, "We need to buy milk" or "I put gas in the car". He never initiated physical contact of any kind. I felt abandoned at a time when I needed him most. That's when a male friend stepped in and began supporting me. And it grew from there.
> 
> ...





Maybe the reason why he backed away from you emotionally and physically is because he know deep down inside you are a untrustworthy person did you ever think of that.



The old stand by "communication" maybe the reason why your communication was so bad was because you where sleeping with other men and lying about it that can be a factor for poor communication. 



LOL really how much of help was this "friendship" I mean really think about it good friends help each other when needed but respect there boundaries *this guy played you he played the friends angle tell he wore your defenses down and got in your pants* with no consideration about your marriage or you dose that sound like a good friend to you???? 


Here a pro tip if the man your sleeping with doesn't respect your marriage the odds are he doesn't respect you much either. 



i'm dropping the mic


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

This man didn't save your life. He realized you were vulnerable and took advantage of the situation. He could have helped you get counseling from a professional or clergyman. Instead he greedily played hide the salami with you fully understanding the long term damage it could do to you and your family.

If you choose to not tell your husband, are you prepared to live the rest of your life knowing that every day may be the day he finds out about your affair?



HonestAdvice said:


> "Yes, you saved my life and helped me through the darkest of my days but now you need to go."


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

HonestAdvice said:


> This is for those that want further information - not trying to condone or excuse my actions here.
> 
> After my son was born I suffered from post partum depression. My husband backed away from me emotionally and physically. By that I mean that he never discussed feelings or anything other than the most basic, "We need to buy milk" or "I put gas in the car". He never initiated physical contact of any kind. I felt abandoned at a time when I needed him most. That's when a male friend stepped in and began supporting me. And it grew from there.
> 
> ...


Oh, this is sounding kind of familiar, sadly.

Your therapist is right. That man needs to go.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> I'm going to give you some different advice from everyone else here.
> 
> I think you should *definitely NOT tell your husband*.
> 
> Instead, you should take out a very large life insurance policy on yourself, make your husband the beneficiary, and well, you know the rest.


You really should be ashamed of this post.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Disenchanted said:


> I'm going to give you some different advice from everyone else here.
> 
> I think you should *definitely NOT tell your husband*.
> 
> Instead, you should take out a very large life insurance policy on yourself, make your husband the beneficiary, and well, you know the rest.


I think this would deserve a perm ban. Its horrible of you to even suggest. My daughter just killed herself on the 25 of march. Until you have experienced the pain of this kind of a loss its best you keep these kind of opinions to yourself.

Clay


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Face it, as long as you see the POS other man as a hero in your life, you will never tell your husband. 

The POS was no hero - he took what you gave him and will wait for another opportunity to 'get some' when he can. All he has to do is wait around - he's no fool. But you're acting like one.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You got a lot to learn sweetheart. There is every excuse under the sun but spreading them for another man is totally, 100% on you. 

You are not seeing with clarity. You have become a vile, selfish, disgusting, backstabbing tramp in response to marriage issues that we all face.

My wife and I have a nearly 23 year relationship. Do you think that we had no similar issues as you? Mrs. Conan somehow managed to keep other mens junk from exploring her birth canal in response to the stresses of marriage and family. I somehow managed not to degrade my self by finding a cheap piece to stick it in as well.

You will not be able to start resolving this until you can face what you actually have let yourself become, and what you are right now is ugly.

If you want your husband to remain with you, he should know what he is dealing with. You are not faithful. You are a lying betrayer that cared more for your crotch than your husband and child. You are going to need a lot of work and your husband needs to be on board with it.

You are not just talking about you when you cheat on your marriage. The longer you lie to him, the longer you are cheating on him.

You are still cheating on him every moment you lie to him, letting him believe he is touching a faithful woman.

If you see it any other way, you are still compartmentalizing and carrying on with your affair. Confessing isn't just for your husband it helps you get over your infidelity as well. 

You just don't want to face the repercussions for your poor character.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

As long as the POS is part of your social circle and your husband remains the unknowing cuckold your affair isn't over it's merely on "hold" for a period of time. 

I'm thinking this is the real issue that's holding your back from revealing all and dropping the POS from your life - Right? (don't lie to yourself like you're doing to your husband).


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

HonestAdvice said:


> It's hard though, to say, "Yes, you saved my life and helped me through the darkest of my days but now you need to go."


You owe the OM nothing, he didn't do you a favor, he used you as much as you used him. He's a scumbag for getting involved with a married woman.

The OM is not your friend, you are delusional if you think otherwise. A real friend helps fix your relationship, not use you as an f'buddy and take advantage of you.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

HonestAdvice said:


> This is for those that want further information - not trying to condone or excuse my actions here.
> 
> After my son was born I suffered from post partum depression. My husband backed away from me emotionally and physically. By that I mean that he never discussed feelings or anything other than the most basic, "We need to buy milk" or "I put gas in the car". He never initiated physical contact of any kind. I felt abandoned at a time when I needed him most. That's when a male friend stepped in and began supporting me. And it grew from there.
> 
> ...


Your therapist is 100% correct. What kind of man steps in to "help" someone whose marriage is struggling, only to take advantage of her for some convenient sex? He's a creep of the first order. If you are REALLY serious about your marriage, this guy has GOT to go. Don't obsess about it. JUST DO IT. Otherwise, dump your husband and give yourself to this POS!


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Why is it fair and right that 2 of 3 know all about your cheating.

No, wait - why is it fair and right that 3 out of 4 know all about your cheating.

No, wait - why is it fair that every person visiting tam (thousands) plus 
the other 3 know all about your cheating, except the person you are destroying. 

Where is your mind. Where is your heart. We *ALL* know where everything else is - except for just one innocent person.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Racer said:


> :slap: Really? Putting his privates in your privates 'saved your life?'
> 
> What a fine man you have there. Screwing someone married with an infant. What character! What nobility! He rescued you from what? Your fidelity, morals, character, ethics, vows, promises, responsibilities, and on and on and on. He helped you become tainted, a unfaithful wife, a bad mother, a liar, and on and on and on. He's a 'good thing though'... right... :scratchhead:


Post of the Month award.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Racer said:


> It's probably the other reason to tell your husband. Your therapist recognizes that you aren't making healthy choices. By telling your husband, you will be placed in a position where a series of cascading things will happen and you will be forced to face the real problem.
> 
> Right now you are just cake eating. Look at your husband and your baby; What do they deserve? Does they really deserve your lies, your ongoing friendship with a lover? Every day, more and more, he is going to suspect there's a body buried somewhere. Every day, more and more, you are going to reinforce that barrier where it's you (and your private stuff) and him.
> 
> Is that what marriage is in your mind? Isn't it supposed to be "us"? That can't happen when you set yourself outside that wall.


Imagine, OP experiencing actual consequences of her actions for the first time in her life...


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

HonestAdvice said:


> This is for those that want further information - not trying to condone or excuse my actions here.
> 
> After my son was born I suffered from post partum depression. My husband backed away from me emotionally and physically. By that I mean that he never discussed feelings or anything other than the most basic, "We need to buy milk" or "I put gas in the car". He never initiated physical contact of any kind. I felt abandoned at a time when I needed him most. That's when a male friend stepped in and began supporting me. And it grew from there.
> 
> ...


I hope you are still reading this thread. This is the toughest talk you have had to deal with so far. Your IC has been kind with their words about right and wrong and here you are dealing mostly with betrayed husbands and wives

You need to acknowledge you are still cheating it is now an emotional affair. Maybe you are not flopping on your back for him but you are still using him for something you perceive you are not getting from your husband.

You have to stop that right now! You should not even contact him to say goodbye. No closure BS. End it now.

Yes you have to tell your husband and you have to answer all of his questions he may want details and he needs honestly. This is going to be very hard for him. You made the choice to screw another man. It was your choice your husband has no blame.

Get it done and be prepared he may want you to leave he may leave you do not know what is going to happen but he has all the moral right to know. So get it done


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Regret214 said:


> Post of the Month award.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know! Wish I could have given it a platinum level like!


----------



## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

HonestAdvice said:


> I have been reading through this forum a little and I know many have experienced a spouse cheating on them. My question is - if you didn't realize your spouse was cheating, do you wish they hadn't told you?
> 
> I've been seeking therapy for my fidelity issues but my husband doesn't know anything about it. My therapist insists that I have to tell my husband...but I honestly don't understand why. He doesn't know and I'm trying to fix the problem - because it's my problem. Wouldn't he just be hurt and blame himself?
> 
> Thanks in advance.


You are hiding behind the mask of "I dont want to hurt him"
You are being a coward.


----------



## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> I'm going to give you some different advice from everyone else here.
> 
> I think you should definitely NOT tell your husband.
> 
> Instead, you should take out a very large life insurance policy on yourself, make your husband the beneficiary, and well, you know the rest.


Just to stir the pot, but Dig got permabanned when he called someone foolish, yet effectively telling someone to kill themselves doesn't get anything? What a crock of smelly sh-t.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Racer said:


> :slap: *Really? Putting his privates in your privates 'saved your life?' *
> *What a fine man you have there. Screwing someone married with an infant. What character! What nobility! He rescued you from what? Your fidelity, morals, character, ethics, vows, promises, responsibilities, and on and on and on. He helped you become tainted, a unfaithful wife, a bad mother, a liar, and on and on and on. He's a 'good thing though'... right... :scratchhead:*




This is one of the most telling posts I've yet seen on this site. Her story is extremely troubling. To give this homewrecker credit for saving your life is one of the biggest stupid excuses I've ever heard. He wasn't saving your life, honey, he was only interested in spreading your legs. The only thing he's worried about right now is losing a free and easy piece, and don't you doubt that for a second.  You think you're losing a "friend!" Wrong! You'll be losing a predator who took advantage of you for his own sexual purposes. PLEASE believe that. I know in your heart you're a good, decent person. I know you want to recommit to your husband and your family. *You can't do that and maintain a friendship with this OM[/B].....you just can't!!!!! You've GOT to go no contact with him, the sooner the better for everyone's sake. Please be well, be loyal to your hubby, the man you took vows with. I hope you can find peace. God bless!*


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

HonestAdvice said:


> This is for those that want further information - not trying to condone or excuse my actions here.
> 
> After my son was born I suffered from post partum depression. My husband backed away from me emotionally and physically. By that I mean that he never discussed feelings or anything other than the most basic, "We need to buy milk" or "I put gas in the car". He never initiated physical contact of any kind. I felt abandoned at a time when I needed him most. That's when a male friend stepped in and began supporting me. And it grew from there.
> 
> ...


Sorry, but this is a load of poppyc*ck. Your "male friend" didn't "step in and support you". Rather, he saw an opportunity to move in, initiate an emotional connection, and score some sex. Any "support" that he offered was put forth w/ the implicit understanding that, at some point, he'd be able to start closing the deal.

Please wake up and realize this, and take your husband's input to heart. Many men have NO IDEA how to handle their wives' PPD.

Also, you mentioned in the title of this thread that you ARE cheating on your husband, and yet you mention later that you've ended the affair, or at least the physical component of the affair. Which is it?

Either way, listen to your counselor. If you want to save your marriage, you will have to cut this other man COMPLETELY out of your life. If you need to move, change jobs, or whatever, you need to do it.

Also, tell your husband. It's better that he find out now -- and from you, of your own volition -- than from someone else or via other means some months/years down the road. It will be hard. He will be angry. And it may mean the end of your marriage. But if you don't tell him on your own, the chance that his own discovery of your infidelity ending your marriage will be much, much greater.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Who is the most important person in your life?

Let me guess.

My wife was like you. Unready for motherhood, she felt terrible, and became irritable and impossible to please. A husband can bend over backwards for only so long, then must allow you to realize you are driving him away. He's repaid by you turning to someone else. Very easy, very little effort, maximum fun, and someone else pays the bill. Great plan.

I imagine up to now you've thought of no one else but yourself. If you are going to be married, a new mindset is in order. You'll have to initiate that yourself, and then maybe you'll see why you should have respected your husband, and marriage.

You want to screw other men. Have some honor and decency. Don't, or get a divorce. Why are you exempt from rules and responsibility?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Regret214 said:


> Just to stir the pot, but Dig got permabanned when he called someone foolish


Oh stop.

No one got permabanned for calling someone foolish.


----------



## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

HonestAdvice said:


> This is for those that want further information - not trying to condone or excuse my actions here.
> 
> *After my son was born I suffered from post partum depression. My husband backed away from me emotionally and physically*. By that I mean that he never discussed feelings or anything other than the most basic, "We need to buy milk" or "I put gas in the car". He never initiated physical contact of any kind. I felt abandoned at a time when I needed him most. That's when a male friend stepped in and began supporting me. And it grew from there.
> 
> ...



Lady:

To recap:

*You had post-partum depression. You (presumably, from your post) took it out on your husband. He felt helpless and terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing, so he shut down. And THAT you internalized as him being emotionally unsupportive. So you found another man who ‘saved’ your life by ‘supporting’ you emotionally and schtooping you physically.*

*Now you don’t want to tell your husband as your therapist advises, because that will ‘hurt’ him.

And you don’t want to cut off from the Other Man as your therapist advises, because that will ‘hurt’ him.

In sum, you more or less want to continue status quo.*

So, what is the problem? Is your conscience troubling you? 

*Seriously?*



*If you just go NC with the therapist, you will have everything back to subnormal.*


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Racer said:


> :slap: Really? Putting his privates in your privates 'saved your life?'
> 
> What a fine man you have there. Screwing someone married with an infant. What character! What nobility! He rescued you from what? Your fidelity, morals, character, ethics, vows, promises, responsibilities, and on and on and on. He helped you become tainted, a unfaithful wife, a bad mother, a liar, and on and on and on. He's a 'good thing though'... right... :scratchhead:


:iagree:

Right on, Racer!

:allhail:


----------



## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Quick bail from a two-poster. Didn't like the advice I guess.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

HonestAdvice said:


> My therapist insists that I have to tell my husband...but I honestly don't understand why.


Because your husband has the right to make decisions about his life with all the information he needs to make those decisions correctly.
Because your husband has the right to know he's at risk of STD's.
Because your husband has the right to know he's at risk of raising another man's child.
Because your husband has the right to know there are problems in his marriage he needs to address.
Because your husband has the right to reject the disrespect of the person he loves most.
Because your husband has the right to know he's being made a fool of by the person he loves.
Because your husband has the right to know he's a cuckold.
Because your husband has the right to know the woman he thought he married doesn't exist.

I can continue if your require it but this should suffice.

Edit:
It's going to be rough here for you but if you have the fortitude to stick around you'll find a greater understanding of who you are, why you are that way and a better appreciation of your marriage if you are able to salvage it.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

doubletrouble said:


> Quick bail from a two-poster. Didn't like the advice I guess.


I think she looked at the mirror and didn't like what she saw



You know it's hard to help wayward who came here looking for validation rather than advice


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

MattMatt said:


> OK. How do you feel about your husband? Smug that he was so easily duped by you?
> 
> Sad that you aren't what he thinks you sre?
> 
> ...


My ex-wife exposed me to HPV and while i finally got treated for it, it comes back.

I've remarried and it has had an impact on my current relationship.

STDs are no trivial concern, and some keep coming back.

She going off and doing her selfish and secretive behavior has had a lifelong impact on me and on her as well.

Years down the road you, the OP will find out too late just how awful a thing it is you are doing in not being honest with your spouse.

But in this time frame? i doubt you will even address any of it here or even upon personal reflection. You're wasting your money on a counselor if you don't heed that very good advice.

Selfishness is the hallmark of a cheating person. So is cowardice.

Personal growth on your part has to start with empathy towards your spouse and the maturity to take the consequences you have earned by deception.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

HonestAdvice said:


> Wouldn't he just be hurt and blame himself?


Just realized that I didn't address this question earlier...

Yes, he will likely be upset w/ himself, at least initially. He will be asking himself what he did to drive you to an affair, how he could have, should have, would have done things differently, yadda yadda blah, etc.

But hey, if this is your only fear w/ regard to telling him, you should be able to rest easy in the knowledge that this will quickly subside, at which point his anger will be aimed squarely at yourself. And OM.

Please read my earlier post, and then read it again.

End things w/ OM. Cut him out of your life completely.

Tell your husband. Answer any and all questions that he has. Own your choices, take responsibility for them, and don't blame your husband. At all.

Best of luck to you.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

HonestAdvice said:


> Yes, my therapist has told me to sever all contact with this man. It's hard though, to say, "Yes, you saved my life and helped me through the darkest of my days but now you need to go."


Also never ,ever repeat this type of tone with your husband.

Some honesty is way too much and in time you'll come to see this statement for the lie it is and regret harming your H with it because these types of positive statements about your OM will harm him more than you know.

Never defend your OM to your husband, never praise your OM to your husband, never put your OM's needs/safety before your husband.

Never hesitate to betray your OM if your husband requires it, don't even hesitate...don't pause to think about it.

When your husband asks you "Where does he work?" (and he will) spit out the information like you could care less if the man died in an hour.

You need to portray yourself as having zero feelings for the OM until you realize the feelings you think you have are just a delusion anyway.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"It's hard though, to say, "Yes, you saved my life and helped me through the darkest of my days but now you need to go."

Sorry HonestAdvice,

But this POS is NOT a friend.

He is a scummy sh**bag who took advantage of an emotionally vulnerable person to get the sex he wanted.

He is a complete piece of filth.

I have had friends who have been in similar situations with major problems in their M's.

I have NEVER played on those to seduce a W into and A.

I have always told them endlessly and repeatedly that they have to work through their problems with their H's....that they had created a bond and a partnership that HAD to be respected...and that meant communicating with their H's and finding solutions to make the M stronger.

But then again, I hate lying, manipulative people and the destruction they leave in their wake.

In other words, I despise POSs like your OM.

He is trash, and you should immediately get him the f**k out of your life and away from the family (yours) that he helped you to devastate and possibly destroy.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

lenzi said:


> Oh stop.
> 
> No one got permabanned for calling someone foolish.


I just got home and asked Dig and you're correct because THAT permaban was overturned where he called an idea "foolish". That story is in the Bring Back SomedayDig thread by Devastated Dad.

His actual permaban was when he called someone childish in Social after being asked to drop a subject.

However, my basic premise is the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Regret214 said:


> I just got home and asked Dig and you're correct because THAT permaban was overturned where he called an idea "foolish". That story is in the Bring Back SomedayDig thread by Devastated Dad.
> 
> His actual permaban was when he called someone childish in Social after being asked to drop a subject.
> 
> ...


I thought it was extreme.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Regret214 said:


> I just got home and asked Dig and you're correct because THAT permaban was overturned where he called an idea "foolish". That story is in the Bring Back SomedayDig thread by Devastated Dad.
> 
> His actual permaban was when he called someone childish in Social after being asked to drop a subject.
> 
> ...


Tell dig we miss he sharp wit and great advice - he had a way of getting posters to see things more clearly. /end TJ/


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## tstough (Apr 23, 2014)

I can understand why it is best not to know, trust me. If you can resolve your issues and he never finds out, then, and everyone may disagree, but save him the grief and never tell him. However, he could find out, like I did. Honestly, I am torturing myself because I just recently found out my husband was having an affair. It hurts, and if you truly knew how badly it hurts and what it does, I am pretty sure you would not have an affair. I hope you figue it out.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It doesn't matter what the original motive of your male friend was. He went and dis exactly the wrong thing. He went from being a friend of your marriage to being an implacable enemy of your marriage.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It doesn't matter what the original motive of your male friend was. He went and did exactly the wrong thing. He went from being a friend of your marriage to being an implacable enemy of your marriage.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> why would he blame himself for your cheating?
> 
> why are you cheating?
> 
> My advice is to tell him! how can you really love sombody and cheat on them at the same time? Or realise you don't love him and ask for a divorce!


It's not unknown for a BS to take the blame for the fact that their WS strayed. 

"What did I do wrong?"


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"I can understand why it is best not to know, trust me."

tstough,

Why do you think living in an M that's a lie, being exposed to stds without your knowledge, and being made to look a fool to the AP and any other person who knows about the A is preferable?

I'm not attacking, but am actually curious.

I have seen the emotional trauma that infidelity brings in my family, experienced it once myself with my serious LT gf.

But as painful as these things were, I still cannot fathom living happily as a betrayed SO simply because I am in the dark.

If it ever came out, my rage and pain at the willful deception and withholding of truth would be magnified immensely.

I broke things off with my exgf immediately when her cheating was exposed by my friend who saw her with POSOM.

If I had not discovered, and we had followed through on the wedding plans we were making and I had discovered later she had cheated after we started a family together I doubt I could ever get rid of the hatred I would feel towards her.

Today, we are still occasionally in contact when I run into her. I am indifferent towards her, but civil in brief conversations.

This would not be the case if she had hidden the A and then years later I was informed by my friend or he let it slip somehow.

In that case, my hatred would be eternal.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Regret214 said:


> Just to stir the pot, but Dig got permabanned when he called someone foolish, yet effectively telling someone to kill themselves doesn't get anything? What a crock of smelly sh-t.


I miss Dig so much. That man can make a rainy day seem like nirvana.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

Tell your husband the TRUTH about his marriage and life. YOU are a living breathing LIE at this point in your life. Free yourself and your husband from your selfish ways.


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## Alisha1 (Apr 21, 2014)

You need to be honest. It is not fair to him to have you cheating on him.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Is this real? Is this like a little insight, however brief and anecdotal, into the mind of the WS? Hey WS let me guess... He was helping your marriage when he put his d**k inside of you, right? I'm so f**king glad that my ex had someone to help our marriage with. So so happy about that. Everyone should have someone "helping" their marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

rustytheboyrobot said:


> Is this real? Is this like a little insight, however brief and anecdotal, into the mind of the WS? Hey WS let me guess... He was helping your marriage when he put his d**k inside of you, right? I'm so f**king glad that my ex had someone to help our marriage with. So so happy about that. Everyone should have someone "helping" their marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sadly this kind of stuff happens all to often.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Your therapist is correct in that you do need to tell your husband. The problem with deep dark secrets is keeping them secrets. It only takes one slip up and it comes out. You also have the variable in the equation of the OM. You cant control his actions and while its your secret he may be bragging or telling people or will just to sabotage your marriage or use the secret to get what he wants. 

If you want to stay with your husband as much as it hurts and the fear you have of the consequenses now will be much easier than say a year from now when it blows up in your face. 

You also still view the OM as your friend. You have plan A and plan B available to you and can rearrange the parts when you want. You think your in control of all this. Sooner or later the OM will be in control of it because ultimately he hold the cards, he has nothing to lose. Keep telling yourself he is your friend and learn the hard way.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

HonestAdvice said:


> This is for those that want further information - not trying to condone or excuse my actions here.
> 
> After my son was born I suffered from post partum depression. My husband backed away from me emotionally and physically. By that I mean that he never discussed feelings or anything other than the most basic, "We need to buy milk" or "I put gas in the car". He never initiated physical contact of any kind. I felt abandoned at a time when I needed him most. That's when a male friend stepped in and began supporting me. And it grew from there.
> 
> ...


I am sorry most posters are a bit aggressive in their tone. It is because their own hurt gets triggered by your story.

I appreciate you have the guts to come here and expose yourself to criticism. I hope you can take it, if you will stay you will get in a better place eventually.

What I have against the harsh critics is that I expect there is no real difference between the cheaters and the betrayed spouses. In the right (wrong) circumstances everybody can go wrong. People here have a black and white vision on cheating, and they are the white side, cheaters on the black side.

So while I think you can benefit from processing this all, it sure will not be a nuanced conversation....


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

Madame,

With due respect, some counter views:

Everybody / anybody can go wrong in the right (or wrong) circumstances. Right.

But here we discuss only those who HAVE gone wrong.

(Presuming that infidelity per se is deemed wrong here, unlike some other portals). Whether infidelity is a ‘wrong’ at all, or just a harsh ‘choice’, (or under certain combination of circumstances, an ‘inevitable’ choice), is another discussion.


*Whether there is much fundamental difference between the betrayed spouses and the wayward spouses or not, once they are deep in the affair, the rigours of maintaining the affair DEFINITELY turns the wayward spouses into vastly different (in fact, transmogrified) people. The essential need to gaslight, deceive, lie, misdirect and befool the betrayed spouse, and the attempt to rationalize their actions to themselves by hook or crook, corrupts the character of the wayward spouse beyond recongnition, in most cases.*

Some WSs manage to maintain a perfectly balanced parallel (double) life. But that lasts only until they are suspected / discovered.



That said, if I am one of the harsh posters on the ‘white side’ (as in your post), with a seemingly holier-than-thou attitude, I apologize. I will try to moderate my words.

You have a good day today.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Clay2013 said:


> I think this would deserve a perm ban. Its horrible of you to even suggest. My daughter just killed herself on the 25 of march. Until you have experienced the pain of this kind of a loss its best you keep these kind of opinions to yourself.
> 
> Clay


My goodness I'm at a loss for words for that 

Just saying sorry for your loss is simply not enough


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

"male friend" "support" "my darkest days"

all coming from an adulterer 

You just have to love it :scratchhead:

_______

Slight side track here folks

However this is what I mean in the 'tears' situation. Just how different infidelity is. There's a husband (tears' husband) who has ended up behaving as if he was dealing with the wayward in _this_ thread, 'justifying' her actions and when I think of tears who owned everything right off the bat for her one night stand and what she is going through now with him compared to this woman here !!!?? sheesh 

I wish tears' husband could read threads like this and I'm sure he'd think feel differently about this stuff.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Honest Advice

Your user name says it all.

You need to be honest with him. With yourself.



> "Yes, you saved my life and helped me through the darkest of my days but now you need to go."


The darkest days have yet to come. Because the longer you keep this lie hidden to yourself, the longer your marriage and commitment to the marriage is a lie.

You seek honest advice. Our advice is to be honest!

And the OM did not save your life. He took advantage of a woman that was depressed and unable to communicate with her uncommunicative husband.

He is not a friend.

You owe your friendship to your spouse. 

You are saving your life. You broke off the affair. You have chosen to get professional counseling.

Now take the next two steps:
A. Tell the OM you can no longer be friends. That you are focusing on the your marriage.

B. Tell your husband the truth. Because he deserves to know. But more importantly if you love him then show him the respect by informing him of your infidelity.

Once these secrets are out in the open you can begin to repair yourself and your marriage.

Bring him to your therapist and break the truth there.

HM


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

It cracks me up how women will call a man who knowing sleeps with married-with-children women a piece of shat, a creep, a low life animal...unless THEY are the married woman said man is schtoofing, then they are a wonderful man who saved their life...DELUSIONAL


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

happyman64 said:


> Honest Advice
> 
> Your user name says it all.
> 
> You need to be honest with him. With yourself.


:iagree:


----------



## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

See_Listen_Love said:


> I am sorry most posters are a bit aggressive in their tone. It is because their own hurt gets triggered by your story.
> 
> I appreciate you have the guts to come here and expose yourself to criticism. I hope you can take it, if you will stay you will get in a better place eventually.
> 
> ...





I'm sorry but I have to respectfully disagree this isn't a black and white issue this is right and wrong issue what she is doing to her husband and family is wrong her motivation for coming here were more likely seeking validation than advice she know what she is doing is wrong hell her shrink has told her what she is doing is wrong she just wants people to feel sorry for her and not her husband who is as we speak still in the dark oblivious to the fact that his dignity gone, his health is at risk ,and OM is still in the picture.



PS: What the OP is get here isn't harsh criticism what she getting is the truth and it ain't pretty


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

HonestAdvice said:


> I have been reading through this forum a little and I know many have experienced a spouse cheating on them. My question is - if you didn't realize your spouse was cheating, do you wish they hadn't told you?


No, I will always want to know the type of person I am dating/married to. Will always want to know. Ignorance is NOT bliss.




> I've been seeking therapy for my fidelity issues but my husband doesn't know anything about it. My therapist insists that I have to tell my husband...but I honestly don't understand why.


Because a marriage can't be based on lies and deceit.

Not only that, your husband deserves to know so he can make an informed decision about how his life turns out rather than his cheating wife making that decision for him.




> He doesn't know and I'm trying to fix the problem - because it's my problem. Wouldn't he just be hurt and blame himself?


He might initially. But then when the fog clears, he'll think clearly and realize the problem isn't him.

Bottom line. If you respect your husband, give him the truth that he deserves.

If you don't respect him, then keep your trap shut and you can save face.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Where did she go? SI?


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

MSP said:


> You know the best therapy for solving your cheating problem? Stopping.


Not saying I agree or disagree and I've quoted this before here, but Dr. Laura was asked by a cheater once if she should tell her spouse and her answer was;

"H*ll no don't tell him! You would just cause him unneccessary pain. Stop doing it and live with the guilt."


----------



## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Where did she go? SI?


It's hard though, to say, "Yes, you saved my life and helped me through the darkest of my days but now you need to go."

She came to TAM, suffered one of her "darkest days" and will soon be seeking 'help' from anyone willing to give it


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

Headspin said:


> It's hard though, to say, "Yes, you saved my life and helped me through the darkest of my days but now you need to go."
> 
> She came to TAM, suffered one of her "darkest days" and *will soon be seeking 'help' from anyone willing to give it *




Right! her pantes will probably hit the floor hard enough to crater the earth.


I really feel sorry for the husband in all this.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

I really hope she can work through this. She seems to have decided to abandon the thread. Maybe she thought she was taking too much flack, who knows. I wish her well. She's gotten herself in a real pickle by taking this other man into her life.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

I am jumping on this thread late and admit I have only read a couple responses. If my spouse cheated on me I would definitely want to know. It's not just "your" problem any more than any issues your husband has are "his" problem. The individual issues become joint issues because marriage is "one flesh". The thing that is being missed when you think that "what he doesn't know won't hurt him" is the fact that silence becomes the breeding ground for the behavior to resurface. You also miss out on the powerful change that can take place within the relationship for good. There is always the possibility that your spouse will be so hurt that he won't forgive, but that's a chance that raised its ugly head the moment that cheating became a part of this marriage. When an affair is brought out of the darkness, one of two things happen: the relationship dies or it is reborn better than ever before. How would you be able to keep such a deception quiet anyway? Doesn't it eat at your inner being daily? It seems to me that exposure is the only way that true healing can begin. What do you think?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> Not saying I agree or disagree and I've quoted this before here, but Dr. Laura was asked by a cheater once if she should tell her spouse and her answer was;
> 
> "H*ll no don't tell him! You would just cause him unneccessary pain. Stop doing it and live with the guilt."


You gotta be kiddin. Dr Laura Schlessinger? The one who had an affair with a married DJ? The one who claims to have a PdD in psychology (but instead has one in physiology)? 

I'd take her advice with a grain of salt. BTW - she generally tells women that it's usually the wife's fault men cheat so the women should "own up". Yeah sure.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

I wouldn't take Dr. Laura's advice at all. She is a hypocrite and a hack.

Hell, just google her nude pictures that she took with another man while married. The reason she is no longer on the air is she literally got caught with her panties down.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

*He doesn't know and I'm trying to fix the problem - because it's my problem. Wouldn't he just be hurt and blame himself? *

And we learn that you have not ended it with the OM and your IC has suggested that you end it.

Here is my honest advice - YOU ARE NOT TRYING TO FIX ANYTHING.

1. You are still involved with the OM.
2. You are justifying your affair.
3. You are basically calling the OM your hero.
4. You turn on your husband with your post partum and he shuts down, not knowing what the heck to do and you find a love buddy. Many of us understand the issues of post-partum and it is not easy to navigate from the perspective of the the person suffering with it and their spouse who walks on eggshells. But come on.

*It's hard though, to say, "Yes, you saved my life and helped me through the darkest of my days but now you need to go."*

You got it right. I would not be able to muster up the strength or courage to say that to the OM after he saved me. I would say the following though:

1. Let me introduce you to my husband who abandoned me in my darkest of days, we will meet at Red Lobster on Friday at 6:00, just the three of us and he will see what a great man you are.

2. OM, I want you to meet my family and I want to tell them how you saved me and I really, really want them to see how great a man you are.

3. OM, I want to meet your family, your mom, dad, brothers, etc and I want to tell them what a great guy you are for saving me and what you did to save me. 


Frankly, you need to end all contact. End it. you do not need to explain anything to the OM.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> *He doesn't know and I'm trying to fix the problem - because it's my problem. Wouldn't he just be hurt and blame himself? *
> 
> And we learn that you have not ended it with the OM and your IC has suggested that you end it.
> 
> ...


Amen, brother! :iagree:


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

HonestAdvice said:


> After my son was born I suffered from post partum depression. My husband backed away from me emotionally and physically. By that I mean that he never discussed feelings or anything other than the most basic, "We need to buy milk" or "I put gas in the car". He never initiated physical contact of any kind. I felt abandoned at a time when I needed him most.


And infidelity is an illegitimate response to a legitimate complaint.

All this above is just window dressing for your affair.



HonestAdvice said:


> That's when a male friend stepped in and began supporting me. And it grew from there.


Good grief where do I start :

a. he's not a "friend." He's an INTRUDER into your MARRIAGE and a THREAT to your HOME and FAMILY. He is a TRESPASSER. We don't call trespassers friends. WE call them trespassers because that's what they are doing.

More window dressing...

b. He didn't "support" you. He's EXPLOITING your drepressive state and offering you a SHORT TERM ESCAPE rather than a LONG TERM SOLUTION.

I don't know any legitimate psychologists that offer SEX as a TREATMENT for DEPRESSION and abandonment.. do YOU?

Do you know how CREEPY this reads?
_
I have depression, and he offers me sex behind my husband's back.. so now I am BETTER._

REALLY? You think he's BETTERING the situation? That IS what "support" is supposed to do isn't it? Improve the situation?


Infidelity does not "support" the situation any more than binge eating helps someone cope with a strict weight loss plan.



HonestAdvice said:


> Eventually my husband confessed to me that he had felt helpless and terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing, so he shut down. By the time he told me this I was in the midst of my affair.


And you chose to NOT reciprocate your destructive behavior when he was opening up and owning his.

He owns his behavior, and you HIDE YOURS.



HonestAdvice said:


> We started working on our communication and I ended the affair, though still maintained the friendship.


BALONEY.

1. you cannot "work on [your] communication" while HIDING an AFFAIR and KEEPING in CONTACT with a MARTIAL INTRUDER. Sorry, that's not working on communication, that is called perpetuating a deception.

2. You cannot END an AFFAIR while maintaining a "friendship" with a marital intruder. Again, your suggestion that the infidelity the two of you (and it is BOTH of you cheating) engage in is a "friendship" is just your way of avoiding taking ownership if your behavior.

3. If you OWN your infidelity you will do the following :

a. end ALL contact
b. destroy ALL souvenirs (gifts, letters, email, photos)
c. change all your contact lines the marital intruder may use to engage you

That's how you OWN an infidelity. You aren't owning the cheating you two are doing. And yes, HE is cheating too. OM is cheating your husband out of a healthy marriage. Every MINUTE you spend on OM is a MINUTE OM has STOLEN from your husband. OM STEALS from the marriage and YOU REWARD OM for his theft.

A thief robs your marriage and you REWARD that thief with SEX? And to add insult to injury you are calling that transaction a "friendship?"



HonestAdvice said:


> Yes, my therapist has told me to sever all contact with this man.


NOT ENOUGH.

a. end ALL contact
b. destroy ALL souvenirs (gifts, letters, email, photos)
c. change all your contact lines the marital intruder may use to engage you

d. disclose to your husband that YOU and OM have been CHEATING HIM for x months of time.

THAT is how you END an AFFAIR.



HonestAdvice said:


> Yes, my therapist has It's hard though, to say, "Yes, you saved my life and helped me through the darkest of my days but now you need to go."


And I repeat again :

*BALONEY
*

1. He did not "save your life". He does do the following ; 

a. THREATENS your home
b. THREATENS your family
c. THREATENS your husband
d. STEALS TIME from your home
e. STEALS TIME from your family
f. STEALS TIME from your husband
g. SEXUALLY EXPLOITS a psychological illness (in some states this is statutory RAPE
h. DECEIVES your family
i. DECEIVES your husband
j. HUMILIATES your husband
h. HUMILIATES YOU
j. COMPROMISES YOUR integrity
k. DESTABILIZES your ENTIRE HOUSEHOLD
l. INTERFERES with MARTIAL REPAIR and GROWTH
m. DISTORTS your perceptions of your marriage, husband, and family

That's just for starters.. I could go on

2. ANYONE who is willing to engage in a - m is NOT the kind of CHARACTER that SAVES LIVES. Sorry my dear, but you have WATCHED TITANIC too many times. Sorry to break the news to you, but this man is NOT Leonardo DiCaprio.

3. What you have is a sexually exploitative liar, manipulator, thief, and LOSER who has CONNED you into thinking he's a romantic hero who saves lives.

You have been FED one of the OLDEST CONS in the history of sexual exploitation.

This guy is USING you for SEX, and has FOOLED you into thinking he's a HERO.

At the risk of sounding insulting, you need to smarten up.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> You gotta be kiddin. Dr Laura Schlessinger? The one who had an affair with a married DJ? The one who claims to have a PdD in psychology (but instead has one in physiology)?
> 
> I'd take her advice with a grain of salt. BTW - she generally tells women that it's usually the wife's fault men cheat so the women should "own up". Yeah sure.


Dude... she left her first husband and married her affair partner!


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> You gotta be kiddin. Dr Laura Schlessinger? The one who had an affair with a married DJ? The one who claims to have a PdD in psychology (but instead has one in physiology)?
> 
> I'd take her advice with a grain of salt. BTW - she generally tells women that it's usually the wife's fault men cheat so the women should "own up". Yeah sure.


Actually, Dr. Laura gives excellent advice most of the time. What you wrote about her is mostly lies.

She, like you, me, and all of us have made mistakes, and we often move on and improve. Why do you hold her past against her so harshly? Her past has long ago been resolved. Your comments say little good about who you are.


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## Scotsirish (Feb 14, 2014)

I will answer your question by telling you my own experience.

My wife had a 6 year affair. She thought what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. But carrying a secret like that works for awhile and then it doesn't work anymore. Her self-esteem suffered. Depression creeped in. She couldn't feel connected totally to me because her affections were divided. She became cold and distant. Her guilt, schizophrenic affections, sadness, depression drove a huge wedge between us. The "ghost" of the other man destroyed our connection with each other. I was a good husband - no abuse, no cheating, kind and affectionate. I could not understand why we were so far apart emotionally. I loved her, but she could not fully love me.
I deserved to have a fully present, fully loving spouse - it is what you expect when you promise each other that you will "forsake all others".

If she had asked for my permission to share her love, time affection and body with another man at least I could have had a choice whether or not to be exposed to the wrenching devastation of knowing that another man was touching what I believed was mine and no one else's.

Every cheated on spouse has the right to be included in on that kind of decision. 

I didn't have that choice. If I had gotten that choice at least I could have said "No thanks, I won't let you rip my heart out."

In all fairness, your husband has a right to know that he is sharing his wife's body, love and affection with another man.

I think he would want to know so he could make up his own mind about his marriage to you. Sounds fair, doesn't it? I wish I had known. Would have saved me from HELL ON EARTH.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Great post. Well said.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

Scotsirish said:


> My wife had a 6 year affair. She thought what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. But carrying a secret like that works for awhile and then it doesn't work anymore.


Its never about not hurting the betrayed spouse. Its about not ruining their fantasy and cowardice of facing the consequences. 

Its bullsh*t. If a wayward ever uses this line, they should be divorced for disrespecting your intelligence, regardless of the affair.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

hawx20 said:


> Not sure if this is real or if its a troll post.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Ripper said:


> Its never about not hurting the betrayed spouse. Its about not ruining their fantasy and cowardice of facing the consequences.
> 
> Its bullsh*t. If a wayward ever uses this line, they should be divorced for disrespecting your intelligence, regardless of the affair.


Agree completely. My ex seems unable or unwilling to acknowledge what a COWARD she was for doing what she did behind my back. They think they are so brave when it's the WS and the AP against the world and they act like secret spies trying to avoid detection. It's just all part of the delusion. 

Cowards in real life, but heroes in fantasy land.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

I really have to be careful about which bridges I cross


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

vellocet said:


> I really have to be careful about which bridges I cross


:scratchhead:


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

You really don't get it? Think about it.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Scotsirish said:


> She couldn't feel connected totally to me because her affections were divided. She became cold and distant. Her guilt, schizophrenic affections, sadness, depression drove a huge wedge between us. The "ghost" of the other man destroyed our connection with each other. I was a good husband - no abuse, no cheating, kind and affectionate. I could not understand why we were so far apart emotionally. I loved her, but she could not fully love me.


Let me correct you on a few points:

She couldn't feel _totally_ connected to you? She didn't feel connected to you AT ALL.

The OM destroyed your connection? No, SHE did.

She could not _fully_ love you? While this affair went on she didn't love you period.

You give your WW far more credit than she deserves. People who even PARTLY love someone as you insinuate don't cheat on them for SIX years. In her mind you were DIRT under her shoe and she USED you for stability. End of story. 

I'm just trying to be honest with you because until your honest with yourself and STOP putting her on this kind of pedistal (i.e. a "good person" who did a "bad thing" rather than just acknowledging she's a flat out bad person) you will continue to fear pain over her betrayal. She's a piece of trash and an emotionally damaged con artist plain and simple. 

YOU DESERVE AND CAN DO MUCH BETTER. BELIEVE THAT BECAUSE IT'S TRUE.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

Your husband is in a sham of a marriage, married to a broken person.
If you truly care for this person, tell him the truth. Let him know where he stands, what you are, and what his marriage truly is, so he can move forward with you or without you...he deserves to know what he is really a part of.

I have NEVER EVER met someone who was cheated on, divorced or not, who said "I wish I never found out" or "I wish he/she had never told me"...

you cant fix yourself, oh you might get a nice bandaid and some polish and shine up that turd, but it will never be fixed...he deserves to know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

BetrayedDad said:


> In her mind your were DIRT under her shoe and she USED you for stability. End of story.


Sums it up bluntly and accurately, IMHO.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

I would want to know if my wife cheated so I could kick her lowdown sorry butt to the curb


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

okeydokie said:


> I would want to know if my wife cheated so I could kick her lowdown sorry butt to the curb


That's a great way to motivate a female to disclose her infidelity to her husband.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Allen_A said:


> That's a great way to motivate a female to disclose her infidelity to her husband.


Maybe

But its all the more reason TO disclose that information.

Because if someone that cheated thinks their spouse/partner will leave if they come clean, then NOT coming clean is purely for the cheater's own end desires, and an exercise in controlling how their "victims" life turns out. Its robbing their betrayed partner their choice in how their life turns out.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

It's so cute when people keep posting on a thread when the OP hasn't been back in 6 days and only posted 3 times.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

It would be nice if there was a feature that automagically froze the thread when the OP hadn't posted to it in a couple of days. The OP could unfreeze the thread by posting to it. If the OP was posting daily the thread would never freeze.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

vellocet said:


> Maybe
> 
> But its all the more reason TO disclose that information.
> 
> Because if someone that cheated thinks their spouse/partner will leave if they come clean, then NOT coming clean is purely for the cheater's own end desires, and an exercise in controlling how their "victims" life turns out. Its robbing their betrayed partner their choice in how their life turns out.


My point is if you want to help a marriage, then it's best to find a way to MOTIVATE a cheating spouse to disclose their behavior to their significant other.

And telling them to be honest with their husband so they can kick their ass to the curb keeps the infidelity happening in that household.

To my mind it's better to find a way to motivate rather than to simply denigrate a poster and drive them away.

I don't have a problem holding someone accountable if they are cheating, but telling someone thier spouse ought to kick their arse to the curb really isn't helping that household. You are just encouraging the cheater to leave and keep cheating instead.

But that's just me I guess.


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## ducrider (Sep 24, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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