# Dealing with rejection - Are BS's "losers"?



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I'm having a hard time not feeling utterly rejected. 

For those who have been cheated on AND the spouse left you, how do you all deal with that? Especially the men out there - what do you tell yourselves?


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

We hate the cheaters, but don't we also hate ourselves? It's a bad place to be mentally.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

No, the BS' are not losers. Not all cheating situations are the same but I can tell you my BH is definitely not a loser. I would undo my decision if it were possible to take that pain away from him.


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## Johnny blue eyes (Nov 26, 2012)

The rejection is the worst part for me. When you invest so much into someone and then find out they think so little of you, its an awful realization. I think its normal to feel like a loser because of it, but we are definitely not the losers in these situations..


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

You'll feel like her trash until you disconnect. Then you'll see that you were the good one in the relationship and she's not worth having.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

TCSRedhead wrote:


> No, the BS' are not losers. Not all cheating situations are the same but I can tell you my BH is definitely not a loser. I would undo my decision if it were possible to take that pain away from him.


It sounds like you stayed with him, though. That proves he didn't lose .. you came back and wanted to reconcile. My wife ultimately did not.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Johnny blue eyes said:


> The rejection is the worst part for me. When you invest so much into someone and then find out they think so little of you, its an awful realization. I think its normal to feel like a loser because of it, but we are definitely not the losers in these situations..


Think of it as an act of mercy. You were freed from sharing your life with a selfish person that could never share theirs.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

JohnnyBlueEyes wrote:


> The rejection is the worst part for me. When you invest so much into someone and then find out they think so little of you, its an awful realization. I think its normal to feel like a loser because of it, but we are definitely not the losers in these situations..


Then why are we on TAM looking for support while the WS's and WH's are out there living it up?


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

> Think of it as an act of mercy. You were freed from sharing your life with a selfish person that could never share theirs.


It reminds me of things she said:

"You deserve better"
"I can't love you the way you need to be loved"
"I set him free and now he's happy" (referring to first husband)

Ugh. 

I hear you Ovid. I hope I'll feel that sooner than later. People say it takes YEARS sometimes.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I even R'd and my confidence was left in tatters for a time period

it'll come back and you will be happy again some day

YOU ARE NOT A LOSER


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

staystrong said:


> JohnnyBlueEyes wrote:
> 
> 
> Then why are we on TAM looking for support while the WS's and WH's are out there living it up?



While I'm working on reconciliation with my wife, I can only say this: Nothing any one of us say here is going to change your perception and therefore feelings about your WS. She cheated on you and left you. There is no amount of stuff we can say to help you fill in that emotional hole that was ripped outta you. The only bit I can offer, and it's a small bit is that she is living in the land of Unicorns & Rainbows. A wonderful place where no one has boogers or farts or poops. It _must_ be fantabulous to be there. The sun shines every day there. But...BUT...that cloud that she's playing in right now is just that. A f'ng cloud. It's as transparent as she and the lot of who choose to "live" there.

One day reality will hit her right in the face with a Mack truck. She's gonna come running and crying to you. Relish in the fact that by that point you will have moved on and created a much better you than she ever had. And make sure she never gets to enjoy it. Her momentary "living it up" is gonna suck when the rest of her life hits.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

You are not a loser and you will get pass this. I have not Rd with my WS and once I came out of the pain and humiliation and became the same strong individual I always was, he started to feel the pain. Now he wants what he can not have.

Focus on you and work on you. Forget them, they are not important in the process of rebuilding yourself. Get a hobby, find new friends and get out there. MAKE YOURSELF HAVE FUN, eventually it will all be just a horrible nightmare and you will smile again.

Trust me!


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

My feelings:

Initial Stage (before the discovery of affair of WW):

Totally blamed myself for the break down of marriage. My IC and friends repeatedly told me not to take more than 50% of the blame. Couldn't control myself. Couldn't look in the mirror.

After initial discovery:

Kept blaming myself. Felt like a trash and degenerate. Didn't see myself as worthy of love and affection.

After things settled in:

Not going to take more than 50% of the blame for the break down of marriage and definitely no blame for the affair. Yes I understand that she was not getting everything from me that she wanted. But when she entered the union she knew what she was getting into. You don't get to change the rules of the game to suit your own end. The decision to cheat was entirely hers and I am not going to take any blame for that. Everybody has options and temptations, but we get married for a reason. If someone is too immature to understand that then may be she is not worhty of my love, affection, and devotion. The next angel in line is going to thank her in future and I will thank the OM for saving me from a life in hell. We have made a journey to hell and benn back. Never again.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

staystrong said:


> It reminds me of things she said:
> 
> "You deserve better"
> "I can't love you the way you need to be loved"
> ...


It takes time, but if you let this experience teach you, you will become better and stronger. She will continue to be weak. That has ramifications that extend beyond relationships.

Read some of the older posts and their updates. You will see that in time the BS that grew from the experience became better and learned to live better as a result. The WS that does not R usually becomes miserable as a result of their own internal weakness.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

As long as you put that person at the center of your existence, you're going to feel like that. 

You need to move on. You'll realize just whata crappy situation you were in, and that theres other people in the world to build a relationship with. 

I'm certainly glad I did. 

Nearly 5 years later I have a child with a new woman better in every imaginable way while shes been self destructive ever since I repelled her attempt to get me back 3 years after I left her for her cheating and lying. 

I gain no satisfaction at her problems(I honestly don't give a sh!t about her problems ) but looking at her situation I definitely wouldn't call her a winner.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> While I'm working on reconciliation with my wife, I can only say this: Nothing any one of us say here is going to change your perception and therefore feelings about your WS. She cheated on you and left you. There is no amount of stuff we can say to help you fill in that emotional hole that was ripped outta you. The only bit I can offer, and it's a small bit is that she is living in the land of Unicorns & Rainbows. A wonderful place where no one has boogers or farts or poops. It _must_ be fantabulous to be there. The sun shines every day there. But...BUT...that cloud that she's playing in right now is just that. A f'ng cloud. It's as transparent as she and the lot of who choose to "live" there.
> 
> One day reality will hit her right in the face with a Mack truck. She's gonna come running and crying to you. Relish in the fact that by that point you will have moved on and created a much better you than she ever had. And make sure she never gets to enjoy it. Her momentary "living it up" is gonna suck when the rest of her life hits.


:iagree:


If I understand you correctly, she took up with a known cheater.

We ALL know how that story is going to end.


If you are still living in her country (in order to be near your children), and you were already having a tough time (in terms of work, finding friends, getting out and about, etc.), realize that some of your feelings right now are more about THAT than about her. You are in a tough and lonely spot but you have the power to change it. 

Start working towards goals, whatever those are--if you're still in that country, aggressively seek out other people, friends, improve your language skills, sightsee, explore, do what you can to make this place your home and get you out of your four walls where you have too much time to dress her up into some perfect idol that she most certainly isn't.

You need to practice emotional detachment. You've been around the forum long enough...you need to go with the 180. You need to be the best person YOU know how to be. For yourself.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Well I got laid like crazy after _I_ left her. Wasn't looking for it but wasn't turning it down either


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

NO, BS's are not losers. They are people who hold true to their vows and their word.

You're only a loser if you think you're one. Stay positive.

Being on the losing end, doesn't mean you're a loser. As long as you got that far, you've actually achieved something, it might not have been the outcome you wanted but at least you tried.

Giving up without ever trying is losing. And that's what alot of cheaters do, give up without trying 1st. It's so easy to give up and try to start over.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

staystrong said:


> TCSRedhead wrote:
> 
> 
> It sounds like you stayed with him, though. That proves he didn't lose .. you came back and wanted to reconcile. My wife ultimately did not.


Like I said, each case is different and reconciling is hard. I did not want to reconcile initially and wanted to walk away. My reason for having an EA wasn't that my husband was a loser. I was too wrapped up in myself and my thoughts and my needs (read: selfish/self-centered) to see what a great man I already had in my husband. 

I consider myself very lucky to have been given another chance in this marriage but in no way did my choices/decisions reflect on my husband's worth. 

That is the most painful part of this - knowing how much I have hurt him.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I'm going to take the bull by the horns--let's say she did think you were a loser and she was "trading up."

So who did she pick? In your words, someone with a track record of messing around. Someone who doesn't believe in commitment. Why commit, when you can have several women at your beck and call?

So she swears fidelity to you for life, but the second she gets bored, she finds a replacement?

This woman sounds like someone who I'd want to think that I'm a loser--a loser who believes in love, marriage, faithfulness, being a father, being a provider--yes, what a loser! Most women would KILL for a man with just some of those qualities.

Guess what--when a loser thinks you're a loser, you're even--wash your hands of them and walk away. Her body, her face, her voice, that's just the outer shiny package that is hiding narcissism, moral corruption, rot. She took a good thing and threw it away for a chance with a man who is no better than she is. She is the loser.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Thank you everyone. 

I agree with a lot which has been said here. 

Although I don't know if I heard from anyone anyone who's been "left". It seems like most were leavers or in reconciliation, no? I think I would feel different if I had left and not tried to cling and save the marriage. That's part of the hurt: being rejected twice (affair and no reconciliation). 

It's good to know that there is a group of authentic people out there who have also been through a similar situation, and can see things from a perspective "from above". I lurked here for a couple of months and I'm very glad I finally started posting. That's my advice to lurkers: start posting now. Don't regret it later; I know I could have used it months ago during the most tumultuous times.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

staystrong said:


> Thank you everyone.
> 
> I agree with a lot which has been said here.
> 
> ...


I have been left. And later was offered R without any show of remorse. I gladly rejected.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

I also was left and rejected, then asked to come home 2 or 3 times, I accepted and then kicked him out again. 

My Dday will be one year in December and I am alive, so can you. Yes I know how it feels to be rejected and even more when you have an 18 month baby who did not understand, his family abandoned me and my baby and you become a single working mom. Now they want a real R and are showing true signs, but I am not the same person anymore.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

On a lighter note - from the perspective of the DS and their friends, the BH are typically referred to as "losers" when they gather in groups. I am now a proud member of ex-husbands of my wife's peer group. The "losers". 

Meanwhile, my wife and her friends cruise clubs trying to get picked up by 30 somethings. My wife has been hanging out with this group for almost 6 years, and not one of her friends has been able to form a stable relationship. This is a group of about 10 divorced/separated women who view themselves as "cougars". Oh, they've been laid, but beyond being a temporary sugar mommie - they haven't found happiness. Before my wife separated, saw an email where one of her friends sent a picture of guy they must have met in a club - he was still in University on the Varsity football team and the email simply said "Soooo HOT!!!" I told my wife that this guy wasn't even a twinkle in his Dad's eye when we got married. How pathetic is that? She didn't appreciate that comment!!

But we're the "losers".....

Be proud to be a "loser"!!


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Myself being a betrayed spouse, I can hardly consider my former marriage branding me as a "winner".
I lost what I thought was my wife and two children I thought were mine along with a home and a car which was not only paid for, but only one year old.
My "win" is and was my freedom. I no longer have to be concerned with who is doing what with whom since I need only monitor my own actions.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

@Life101
Do you have kids with your ex? (Sorry if I missed that in an earlier post). For me, this is a VERY important reason to R.

@Grey_Goose
It's just crazy how this works. I'm sorry for what you must have gone through but happy because you sound like a proud woman. 

@Cedarman
Yikes. Very tacky. No way are you the loser in that one. My wife and I are in our 30's. Whether they leave for one man or a series of them, it still hurts and boggles the mind.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

staystrong said:


> @Life101
> Do you have kids with your ex? (Sorry if I missed that in an earlier post). For me, this is a VERY important reason to R.


Nope. Thank god for that. No couple should bring children in this world if a loving household is not guranteed.

Mandatory psych evolution before starting a family.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

> I lost what I thought was my wife and two children I thought were mine along with a home and a car which was not only paid for


Wow. Sorry to hear about this loss. Sounds like you are making it through.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Dude, anyone, and i mean anyone, can get cheated on. You're only a loser if you allow that situation to utterly destroy you and you stop functioning as a human being.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

No BS's are not losers at all if anything they are the opposite the vast majority are moral and ethical in my opinion. i would suggest starting the 180 its a program designed for you to recover your self along with this I would start exercising and developing hobbies old or new as a way to relax. The exercise is like the number 1 stress reliever plus it will help increase your self esteem and also help reduce stress, lose weight etc the results are great because after a few weeks you can actually see them this also helps increase your self esteem. Over time these feelings will go away 

here is a link for the 180 use this as a daily program 
The Healing Heart: The 180

Good Luck


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I implemented the 180 when I was still living with her under the same roof. It did have an effect in the beginning and helped lead to false mini-R. We separated about 1.5 months after D-Day.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

> Dude, anyone, and i mean anyone, can get cheated on. You're only a loser if you allow that situation to utterly destroy you and you stop functioning as a human being.


Yup, that's how I feel. Pretty much destroyed. 

Again, when I return to her country I will be isolated (no family, one or two friends.) This drives my depression. I was like that for almost three months and that's why I had to leave. What kind of woman dumps a good man (me) and the father of her two children, knowing full well that I have no resources or support system in a foreign country. Even the OM thought it was harsh.


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

Dealing with rejection everyday. I have always had self-worth issues. Growing up and not being good enough for this or that. Not worthy of getting the best, first or even second . Then I'm adopted and that has all kinds of rejection issues. So I am stuck. I blame myself for my part in this but not the affair. That was his choice. However I don't understand why he's still here. He wanted to end the marriage did everything to make sure it would be broken, even made DD our aniversary date. I am getting so many mixed messages but He was rejecting my sexual advances while seeing her, wearing the ring I placed on his finger. (He don't wear it anymore I took it back.) Now he's doing everything he can think of BUT I'm not getting any better. I'm seeing myself as the 2nd and 3rd rate wife. Heck I can't even get attention from our business it always comes first. SO where do I rate? It's very confusing but one thing you are not to blame for the affair neither was I in fact I spent all kinds of money for our aniversary I think I'll send the dishes over to her with his ring. LOL just kidding........NO NO BLAME....


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Ovid wrote:


> The WS that does not R usually becomes miserable as a result of their own internal weakness.


This is interesting to ponder. 

What if they just continue to rationalize for the rest of their lives? They're clearly good at that.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

staystrong said:


> Ovid wrote:
> 
> 
> This is interesting to ponder.
> ...


It will surface sooner or later. The next person they get close to will have to go through the same thing.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I really hope so. I feel she needs to experience the other side. 

At one point she had me briefly thinking "If I really love her, I'd just want her to be happy". Just another manipulation attempt.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

staystrong said:


> JohnnyBlueEyes wrote:
> 
> 
> Then why are we on TAM looking for support while the WS's and WH's are out there living it up?


They are in the fog.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

staystrong said:


> I really hope so. I feel she needs to experience the other side.
> 
> At one point she had me briefly thinking "If I really love her, I'd just want her to be happy". Just another manipulation attempt.


Actually, that's what I am doing. I really love her. So I am letting her go. I don't want to block her road to happiness and if she thinks she will be better off with OM then let it be. I don't expect her to jump back into my arms and honestly I will probably never want to be back with her again unless I see some drastic transformation which is highly unlikely. Having no kids helped too.

So, I have set the bird free (the irony is she was always free and I never imposed my will on her, the opposite however isn't true). Hopefully she will build a better nest next time.


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## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

I think you have to step outside yourself and third person this one. When was the last time you heard about someone being cheated on and said "man, s/he must be a loser!" Never. You usually end up saying something like "s/he did that to him/her? What is wrong with that woman/man? They blew it. What a moron." At least that is what I have always said. 

I'd rather be in this loser club with upstanding people who have morals than in the "winner" club with the spineless who have no morals, and no sense of true intimacy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> They are in the fog.


Their fog sounds nice. 

Our fog is "We are good people and we don't deserve this."

I don't know even know what I mean anymore.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

life101 said:


> Actually, that's what I am doing. I really love her. So I am letting her go. I don't want to block her road to happiness and if she thinks she will be better off with OM then let it be. I don't expect her to jump back into my arms and honestly I will probably never want to be back with her again unless I see some drastic transformation which is highly unlikely. Having no kids helped too.
> 
> So, I have set the bird free (the irony is she was always free and I never imposed my will on her, the opposite however isn't true). Hopefully she will build a better nest next time.


I don't know, man. It sounds like your anger stage hasn't hit yet.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

doc_martin said:


> I think you have to step outside yourself and third person this one. When was the last time you heard about someone being cheated on and said "man, s/he must be a loser!" Never. You usually end up saying something like "s/he did that to him/her? What is wrong with that woman/man? They blew it. What a moron." At least that is what I have always said.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's a valid point. 

I still can't fully do that for my own situation. And I should because you are right.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

staystrong said:


> I don't know, man. It sounds like your anger stage hasn't hit yet.


May be. But I have been pretty angry after the initial calmness. I kept asking how could she do this to me? However, I started losing my mind, and I am such a critical juncture right now in my life, I cannot lose myself. I got great support from my friends, family, and IC. May be my anger will come back once I take care of the issues at hand. May be it will not. No matter what, I intend to continue growing.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

staystrong said:


> I implemented the 180 when I was still living with her under the same roof. It did have an effect in the beginning and helped lead to false mini-R. We separated about 1.5 months after D-Day.


The 180 is actually designed for you to get you back sometimes it works in bringing spouses back however the intent
Is to get you back with you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I'm focusing on Limited Contact (we have children together). Which I guess is the 180 when you don't live together?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I think I know how you feel. I'm the BS, he left the state. I know intellectually this was entirely his choice and all, but there's still a part of me that wonders why he was unwilling to keep our family together. I'm a lot older than many on this board, so the opportunity of finding another love at this stage of my life is pretty limited. I can say I am so not ready, still have work to do, yadda-yadda. But still, why isn't he the one doing the work?
Guess the holidays were harder than I thought.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I'm so sorry to hear that Pluto2. 

I don't understand how someone can leave a life behind entirely. It sounds like he is having major issues with himself. I really hope he is still going to be involved in your children's lives.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Barely any contact, and that is his choice. My oldest discovered some of his on-line activities and the two can barely share a civil word. The younger doesn't fully understand, although she knows what he did. I know he's their father and that having a father is supposed to be a good thing, but right now he is not a positive influence in anyone's life. Clearly the affairs were his choice, but as a BS, I still wonder sometimes why we weren't his choice. Not healthy to dwell on this, I suppose, but the thoughts are still there-at night.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

staystrong said:


> TCSRedhead wrote:
> 
> 
> It sounds like you stayed with him, though. That proves he didn't lose .. you came back and wanted to reconcile. My wife ultimately did not.


I would count that as a big WIN for you. She is right...you deserve so much more than she has to offer you. Give yourself some time to heal...then you can find someone that will love you the right way.


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## Numbersixxx (Oct 10, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> On a lighter note - from the perspective of the DS and their friends, the BH are typically referred to as "losers" when they gather in groups. I am now a proud member of ex-husbands of my wife's peer group. The "losers".
> 
> Meanwhile, my wife and her friends cruise clubs trying to get picked up by 30 somethings. My wife has been hanging out with this group for almost 6 years, and not one of her friends has been able to form a stable relationship. This is a group of about 10 divorced/separated women who view themselves as "cougars". Oh, they've been laid, but beyond being a temporary sugar mommie - they haven't found happiness. Before my wife separated, saw an email where one of her friends sent a picture of guy they must have met in a club - he was still in University on the Varsity football team and the email simply said "Soooo HOT!!!" I told my wife that this guy wasn't even a twinkle in his Dad's eye when we got married. How pathetic is that? She didn't appreciate that comment!!
> 
> ...


Cedarman, 
I am not just telling you this to make you feel better, this is how I actually see things. 

I am in my mid-twenties. This means that I am in the “pray” category for this cougars and when I go out, I do see them throwing themselves at young guys at clubs and bars. Despite all this pop media campaign garbage to portray them as fabulous, strong, fun and what not… among guys they have less respect than prostitutes, since you must pay a prostitute for what a cougar gives you for free – and that is the only thing they have to offer. Basically, they are just ¢umdumsters for guys that are in-between finding something better. They are pathetic and laughed at by everybody. People see through they charade and they notice how their artificially improved (although fading) look and easy access to sex is the only reason anybody would talk to them or even acknowledge their presence. We also know that most of them left their hardworking husbands and destroyed their families with the excuse of “I was bored”. Their self-delusion is fascinating though, they still think they are dating material. You seriously think that twentysomething girls feel threatened by them? 

Work on yourself and enjoy watching her self-destruction.


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