# My husband was arrested for assault and now wants to reconcile



## Jeanie (Nov 14, 2011)

Hi there,

I've been posting on and off for a few years. I've always received great, insightful advice and I'm hoping for the same this time around. So, just a very quick recap...I've been dealing with a verbally, emotionally abusive husband (H) who has been unemployed for the past 2 years. During this time (as he has done throughout our marriage), he continued to blame me for everything. Everything that was wrong in our relationship, with our home, our kids, our finances. Nothing was ever his responsibility. Back in December, he threatened to kick me out of the house, and the police got involved. He was all apologetic for a couple of weeks and then he flipped the switch and started blaming me for everything that happened, calling it a betrayal. So December to May pretty was pretty much a roller coaster. I never knew how he was going to treat me when I came from work...what I would have done wrong. I was working with a therapist to try to find my spine to stand up to him...which I did - finally. 

On May 23rd, he picked a fight again about when was I going to "get my act" together and start taking care of things properly. I finally actually pushed back...and told him that was nervy coming from someone who has literally sat on the couch for 2 years. He then physically tried to drag me out of the room to show me how much of a mess the house was because of me. I resisted. We ended up struggling quite a bit while he continued to try to force me and I continued to resist. To give you a better picture - I'm about 5'5" and average weight. He is 6'1" and weighs about 280lbs. I was severely outmatched. He ended up tackling me to the floor and pinning my arms behind my back with his full weight on me. While I screamed and screamed for him to get off me, telling him he was hurting me, he was whispering in my ear how he wanted to hurt me the way I've been hurting him throughout our marriage and that he wanted to make me feel completely helpless like a hostage. 

I was starting to panic because I wasn't sure what he was going to do next. I stopped struggling to see if that would make him relax his grip (I realized the more I struggled the harder he held me). He did, and eventually he shifted his weight off me enough that I was able to get up and make it to a phone and dial 911. He hung up the phone and unplugged the receiver. It has a speaker phone function so I hit it and dialed 911 again. He ripped the phone from the wall and smashed it. He then would not let me leave the kitchen...I was trying to get another phone. All the while he continued to yell and scream at me...basically telling me what an awful, terrible wife I am, but if I would just do as I was told, everything would be fine. 

After about 5 min of this....we saw the police lights in the driveway. And basically, that was it. We were separated by the police, interviewed and after about 10 min...he was arrested. Apparently it was one of the quickest arrests the officers had made for domestic assault. Normally stories don't match...but ours did. I think it's because he thought what he did wouldn't be considered a crime and he would just get off with a warning. 

I haven't seen or heard from him since (these are the conditions of his release). He's not allowed on our property, or come within 100 metres of me. He also has to make all arrangements to see the children through legal counsel. So I've been meeting with my lawyer to take the next steps to formalize the separation. In Canada, there's no paper work to officially declare you're separated but the division of property, assets, debts and custody of the children is all arranged through a separation agreement. Through H's criminal attorney, we've been told that he doesn't want to separate and wishes to reconcile. His belief is that with counseling and effort, the marriage can be saved. So he's refusing to get family counsel (and his criminal attorney won't handle it). This means that we now have to go to court to force him to respond. 

It is just truly unbelievable to me that he even wants to reconcile. He has called me every nasty name in the book...hasn't had a positive thing to say about me in years..and yet he wants to stay married to me? It makes no sense. So I'm just wondering if there is anyone out there who has been in a similar situation and can shed some light on what the heck is going through the man's head. I'm also hoping to maybe get some insight on what I can expect next from him. He's going to be served with the court papers next week, and I'm thinking his head is going to explode, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he'll finally realize he no longer has control over me and will start to rethink his actions. 

I'm just looking for any words of wisdom anyone might have. 

Thank you.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Jeanie said:


> Hi there,
> 
> I've been posting on and off for a few years. I've always received great, insightful advice and I'm hoping for the same this time around. So, just a very quick recap...I've been dealing with a verbally, emotionally abusive husband (H) who has been unemployed for the past 2 years. During this time (as he has done throughout our marriage), he continued to blame me for everything. Everything that was wrong in our relationship, with our home, our kids, our finances. Nothing was ever his responsibility. Back in December, he threatened to kick me out of the house, and the police got involved. He was all apologetic for a couple of weeks and then he flipped the switch and started blaming me for everything that happened, calling it a betrayal. So December to May pretty was pretty much a roller coaster. I never knew how he was going to treat me when I came from work...what I would have done wrong. I was working with a therapist to try to find my spine to stand up to him...which I did - finally.
> 
> ...


No.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

Who cares what he wants - what do YOU want out of this? I would think long and hard about that because in my opinion if you start the reconciliation process with him you are endangering yourself.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I'm in Canada, and I divorced.

The separation agreement is the key deal. It's essentially not only legally dividing your assets, but is the signal to all organizations that you are not longer financially tied to each other. Get a lawyer, get it drawn up, get it singed -- I'd play it as a requirement for you to consider reconciliation.

And then don't consider reconciliation. At least without some deep therapy and anger management on his behalf.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Right now I would not be worrying about anything else except your personal safety when he receives those papers. You need a protection plan in place that day.


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## Jeanie (Nov 14, 2011)

I definitely want out. There's no doubt about it. I had actually been taking steps getting ready to separate prior to all this happening. But because of his bad temper, I was being discreet. I had a safety plan in place already...he just upped the timeline if when it all happened. As awful as it was when it happened, I thought at least now we could both move on....since he's seemed nothing but disgusted with me for months. So for him to dig in his heals and fight me on the separation is mystifying.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Jeanie said:


> I definitely want out. There's no doubt about it. I had actually been taking steps getting ready to separate prior to all this happening. But because of his bad temper, I was being discreet. I had a safety plan in place already...he just upped the timeline if when it all happened. As awful as it was when it happened, I thought at least now we could both move on....since he's seemed nothing but disgusted with me for months. So for him to dig in his heals and fight me on the separation is mystifying.


You don't really know someone until you divorce them.

Just do what your lawyer tells you to do. It all gets better once signatures are on that paper, trust me.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

He shifted tactics to control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

marduk said:


> You don't really know someone until you divorce them.


Well, that's profound. 
@Blossom Leigh: Would you agree?


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## tenac (Jun 3, 2015)

marduk said:


> You don't really know someone until you divorce them.


You don't really know someone until you marry them.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He wants to R so he can continue to make you his verbal (or physical) punching bag. Abusers enjoy the fear. It's like a drug but they need more and more of it. He's afraid he may not find someone else who tolerates his abuse -- and he misses that exhilarating feeling of power. Don't for a moment ever consider going back. You might not get to a phone next time.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

jld said:


> Well, that's profound.
> 
> @Blossom Leigh: Would you agree?



Yep.

My church going ex began hanging out in biker gangs after we divorced.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Yep.
> 
> My church going ex began hanging out in biker gangs after we divorced.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How was he as far as the financial end of the divorce?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Openminded said:


> He wants to R so he can continue to make you his verbal (or physical) punching bag. Abusers enjoy the fear. It's like a drug but they need more and more of it. He's afraid he may not find someone else who tolerates his abuse -- and he misses that exhilarating feeling of power. Don't for a moment ever consider going back. You might not get to a phone next time.


He's also lost his gravy train. He sat his big arse on the couch for two years while you worked, remember? Now he has to support himself. 

Where else is he going to find a women he can abuse that also supports him? 

Stay the hvll away from him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

jld said:


> How was he as far as the financial end of the divorce?


He wanted to keep everything. 

In the end, he knew what the right thing was and did it.

But he hasn't filed his taxes in five years.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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