# For those who cheated...what would have stopped you and when?



## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

I read a post here not long ago where a husband had caught his wife in the early beginnings of an EA, and he "stomped it out" and saved his marriage.

To those that cheated and took it to fruition, could you have been stopped before that at an earlier stage had your BS been on top of things, confronted you early, and put a stop to it before it got that far?

Excepting the "one night stand" that "just happens", we seem to see alot of posts here where there are so many red flags that are missed and not seen as red flags until it's too late. Or the WS blew them off as "nothing" or the BS being "paranoid" or "controlling".

I do trust my W, but I also seem to have this sense of hyper vigilance. If I see a red flag, I'm all over it like a monkey on a peanut. I may not necessarily ask about it or confront, but any real red flag puts my radar on high, and I start looking to see if there's anything to it. So far, thankfully, there hasn't been. Hope there never is.

Good way to live? I don't know, I'm happy not having any real doubts. Sure, they have come and gone a couple times with some pretty big flags, but they've come to be nothing as far as cheating goes. 

My W and I had talked about this. She, on the other hand, just likes to trust completely. And I get that. But, is that mentality bad? Does that not leave room for an affair to blossum and grow to a point where it can be too late? Whereas had "one eye been open", something could have been quashed early on?


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

I almost cheated several years ago (flirting online) and the threat of divorce put the brakes on that. That's probably the #1 method of stopping affairs.

Reality kills affairs faster than anything which is why over 90% of relationships stemming from affairs die within 2 years. They discover that the AP isn't any better than the BS (and most of the time much worse) when they have to deal with their day to day lives.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hard consequences -- they only thing that ever works.

Oh and more importantly, the WILL to want to stop.


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## Barnowl (May 31, 2012)

My affair was discovered before I ended it, but to be honest the guilt was crushing me, and I was putting the brakes on it slowly. I had told the OW that I was going to have a serious conversation with my wife just a few days before she found my email account. I wanted resolve in my marriage, either we needed to fix the issues, or we needed to separate. She found out before I had a chance to have that talk with her, which ultimately I am grateful for now. I feel better now knowing that I am not lying or hiding anything.

However, I was so delusional in my jusitifications for an affair that I don't know if I would have ever completely stopped. It is a vicious cycle. I wasn't giving my wife what she needed emotionally, and our relationship suffered. The suffering is what I used to justify my actions. 

What would have stopped me? Getting caught. That did it. I stopped immediately and have not backslid for the past three months. I feel snapped out of a dream. Hard reality hitting you in the face is a good way to stop inappropriate behavior...


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I feel that I stopped my fiance's EA. He was multidating us but then told me that he chose me. but then I figured out that every time he mentioned a concert that he went to without me, she would do her like, I realised that they went together.

I also know now that they stayed in touch with one another, mentioning their travel plans, oh, I wonder why.....

but there were some things that didn't add up and also I saw a few receipts here and there around the apartment. his constant insistence that she was just a friend....even at that time, just did not add up. I did snoop in his Yahoo account and FB account as he always kept those open on his computer and after while, he had given me the keys to his place.

finally I had decided that I had invested enough into the relationship and that he was going to have to choose between keeping her as a friend or me as a gf. He could not have both.

the real whopper here was when he showed me the text messages between each other. He had talked about our sex life with her and when she was struggling to keep him on board, she told him to drop me so that they could date again. That alone was enough to reassure me that they could never simply be friends. 

While I wonder if I could have done something sooner, sometimes I think that my timing was fine. It was enough time for him decide that he really loved me. And also, as her 30th b-day came around with the same day invitation and the 11pm text when pubs close in London demanding to know "why didn't you come?" helped to let him know she was no much of a friend to him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

My wife disliked my OW as a person.

My wife kept telling me that we were having a sexual affair. Which we were not.

Eventually, the OW made a play for me and with my head filled with mush and resentment for my wife's affair which had really hurt me and crushed my self-confidence, I thought: "Might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb" and decided that I would have sex with the OW.

At the point when we were going to have sex -we had been making out very heavily- I saw an image of my wife in my head and I came out of the fog in an instant. We did not have sex.

But my wife challenging me about my EA actually helped edge me toward a PA. It was the way she went about it, I think, accusing me of having sex, when I wasn't?

But with how my wife had told me she was going to have an affair and how I tried to carry on as normal (even going to walk her mother's dog whilst my wife was off on a romantic holiday with her OM) really f**ded with my mind and with the self-medication (alcohol) I think it was inevitable that something would happen.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

My now-husband had an EA, it did get to the point of kissing but physically went no further because he stopped it.

Before that point, I knew of the woman, I knew she had a crush on him, but on my part I was in the "100% trust" party. I had never had a reason to not trust him, his behaviour in that sense was exemplary.

In retrospect there were red flags. The fact he was talking about her a lot was one. He was obviously enjoying the attention but i thought that was all it was. One particular thing was he asked me a couple of days before the kiss, did I trust him? I replied, 100%, said that I knew we had difficulties in other areas but I completely felt I could trust him. This came out in counselling, it was part of him questioning the person he thought he was (trustworthy and faithful) against the feelings he had for this woman.

Part of our difficulty was in that he initially felt that as he cut things off there and made it clear there was no going further with the physical, that he hadn't betrayed our relationship. He in fact broke NC and was in contact with her again after he confessed, but I think the ultimate thing that stopped him and snapped him back to reality was when I threw him out. I wonder on my part had I been harsher sooner, he might have understood what was going on but he just didn't "get" that he had cheated until we were in counselling and I was able to explain how he had crossed boundaries and all of the things he had done that were unacceptable, step by little step. For me I could see he was doing it as it was happening but didn't have the understanding to articulate it until I'd read so much on here, read books and gone to counselling. 

So I suppose if we'd had an understanding of boundaries before it happened he might have seen what was happening... But that's pure speculation and me seeing his good side. Who knows.


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## theRaven (Nov 16, 2012)

As you know (since you helped advise me), I have not really cheated but put myself in a situation where it came really close. Anyhow to answer your question, it was the thought of my wife's pain that ultimately drew me from the edge. Furthermore I know I would have compromised many of the things I take pride in as a person if I continued to do wrong. Also, the thought of losing trust in her family and friends was also a killer. 

I believe the trust thing is very situational. Mainly situational on the type of person you are and the type of person she is. Also just because you trust the person doesn't mean you don't pay attention to what is happening. Just being observant (while still trusting), I think you can detect whether intervention is required or not. However, I know there are some people that do need more monitoring and cannot remain true without guidance. 

It sounds like you are doing just fine with your current trust system. And while its good to be aware and observant, I don't think you're in a situation where you need to change how you trust in her.

Just my .02.


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