# Not Really Sure What to do Anymore



## emc (Mar 2, 2016)

I will try to make this as short and thorough as possible. So here goes. I met my now husband about 6 years ago now. We met via mutual friends. I was immediately love struck. He was going thru his only relationship issues at the time so we ended up becoming best friends. We did everything together. I tried to convince him on a few occasions that we should date but all efforts were quickly shot down by him stating that, "It wasn't fair for him to date me when he still had feelings for someone else". Very honest and kind if you asked me..... at the time that is. 

Fast forward a few months and tragedy struck. We lost my sweet amazing sister to cancer. She had been like a mother to me so, needless to say, it was a dark time for me. A few months later, I made the decision to join the military to save my life. It was the best decision I could have ever made. My best friend, husband now, hated the decision and told me it was a dumb idea. I left anyways because I knew that I had to get my life in order. I tried writing him a few time to which I got no response. 

Later on, after going to training, I made a very rash and hasty decision and decided to get married to a guy I had only known for a few months. He was prince charming until the ring went on. He then became very aggressive, controlling and abusive. Needless to say, the marriage ended and I moved back to my home state. There, I reconnected with my now husband and we picked back up on our friendship like nothing had ever changed. He gave me a place to live while I was getting back on my feet and that, as if you couldn't have already guessed, slowly turned into us dating and him later proposing. 

Everything was wonderful. He finally told me how, all those years before, he had always had feelings for me but had felt that he wasn't good enough for me and how when I left for the military, he thought he had lost his chance forever. When I moved back, he decided it was now or never and that was when he finally decided to pursue a relationship with me. Shortly after our engagement party, we discovered that I was expecting our first child. It was a huge surprise to everyone as, due to previous complications and surgery that had been performed to correct the issue, I had been told that I would most likely never be able to conceive. We were thrilled. We married on our chosen date as planned and welcomed our sweet baby into the world a few months later. 

He was awesome in the few weeks following the birth and I couldn't have been happier and then things started to change. Now given, a month before I gave birth, he found out that his job at the company he worked for was being cutout and that he would no longer be able to hold that position but, fortunately for us, his boss offered him a different job. The job was 100% commission based but still provided him the opportunity to make just as much if not more than he had before. I stayed home with the baby and he worked, for a little while. 

Slowly, as the months passed, he became moodier and moodier, giving up shifts half the time and staying at home playing games all night. I tried to be as supportive as possible and hoped that he would be just as supportive back but when I would ask for help with our child or the house, it was always the same response. "I don't understand why you need help when you're home all day. It's just a baby." It would infuriate me but then I would scold myself and convince myself that I was being whiny and unappreciative. He would always say that as soon as I started working and had a real job, then he would help me. 

Well, some months later, I had to get a job because we were getting behind. Really behind. His habits of giving up shifts and wanting to play games all the time had put our finances in jeopardy. I had no problem working and ended up taking orders with my unit. Sadly, those orders took me away from home Tuesday morning until Friday night. I was so lonely during the week because I was either working all day or in a room alone at night. It was hard. I later came to discover that, while I had been on orders, he had continued to give up shifts and stay at home. And, even though he was home 3-4 days out of the week, every weekend when I got home, the house would be destroyed, all the bottles and dishes were beyond filthy and piled up, there would be pet accidents in the house that were obviously at least a few days old due to the dryness of them if you know what I mean, and he always had the same excuse. "He had been way to busy with work and taking care of our daughter. How can you expect me to be a full time dad and work full time and take care of the house?" I even ended up, later on, discovering that he had message an old girl "friend" of his and had made the comment that he was basically a single dad with a full time job. That fueled an argument in which I confronted him about all the shifts he had given up and how it was messed up that I was sacrificing time with my family every week to help bring in money for us and yet he was still at home giving up shifts and keeping us in the same financial hole that we were trying to dig out of. 

It has just gotten progressively worse from there. He constantly claims that he is giving up a shift because he picked up another one yet he somehow ends up never working the shift he "picked up", he never helps around the house, never puts his clothes up or helps with the dishes or laundry yet constantly complains and gripes when he can't find clothes to wear because I never put his clothes up. When he's off, he still uses the same excuse that our child has been a handful and that is why he hasn't been able to do anything yet, two days later, he gets pissed beyond measure when I ask for help. This past month, I worked 23 days, totaling over 190 hours not including drive time while he worked 17 days totaling to 117 hours. If I even act like I am about to bring up his lack of working, he immediately gets defensive and throws a pity party about how he feels like **** that he can't provide for his family and how he has no motivation to work because he hates his job. He says that I am hateful and very unsupportive and that I make him feel worthless. He is constantly asking me to do things for him, whether it be me washing his clothes, ironing an outfit, checking his bank account, getting his tag renewed, calling the doctor, etc. He wakes up in just enough time to leave the house for work and then, from the time he gets home til the time he goes to bed, he is either on the computer or the xbox. 

I could honestly go on and on but I truly don't feel like writing a novel tonight. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I get more support from my friends and family than I do from my own husband and I constantly feel like I am being mentally beaten. Everything is a double standard whether it be him being allowed to say whatever the hell he wants to me while I am supposed to bite my tongue, him feeling like he deserves to be able to sleep in and get a break every now and then while he considers my breaks the times when I'm not at work although, when I'm not, I'm taking care of my child, cleaning running errands, paying bills, etc. I can honestly say that, outside of the 3-4 days a week that he works, he takes our child to the sitters in the mornings/mid-day and he cooks. Outside of that, nothing. I cut the grass, manage the money, take care of all the bills, do the grocery shopping, care for the animals, clean the house, wash the clothes, run all the errands, make all the important phone calls, etc., etc., etc. And all of this on top of working forty plus hours a week, 50 if you count driving time. 

Is something wrong with me? Am I really just heartless and unappreciative? What am I missing? Any advice would be greatly appreciated and feel free to ask me anything for clarification. I'm beyond desperate to save this but I'm terrified that I have hit my limit and that I will always resent him.


----------



## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

Another case of someone not pulling their own weight. This guy sounds ridiculous. I think if I was in this situation, I'd really consider just leaving. You're doing everything anyway, you could do it without the hassle of having a husband like that, and probably be much happier.


----------



## emc (Mar 2, 2016)

Honestly, we have had multiple arguments that end with him saying that there's no point and that we just need a divorce. It devastates me. We have a child together and, I guess, for some reason, I just keep thinking about how much of a failure I would be if things ended. I love him so much it hurts. It makes me physically ill thinking about divorce. But I feel that it's gotten to a point where that's the only option left. We've had so many discussions that end with him saying that he needs help and that he knows he should help more and not talk to me the way he does. Things seem better for a week or so and then it's right back to the same crap. I've even spent nights cleaning until it was time for me to leave for work in the morning just to try and give him some motivation. I end up coming home to clothes already back on the floor and him saying he'll put them away later. But I just keep telling myself if I can keep the house clean, work full time and take care of everything else, maybe he'll realize how hard I'm trying and up his efforts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

This reminds me of my first marriage. My ex was very similar. He had checked out from everything that had to do with our home, marriage, and kids. I felt like I was a failure because I was doing evening u could to keep it together, and nothing seemed to work. It took a long time to figure out that he was the failure, not me. You can't force people to do what they don't want to do. And it's not failing to do the best thing you can for yourself and your kiddo when he won't.


----------



## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

Please edit your post and put in paragraph breaks, for the love o pete.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Hey there emc. Sorry things are painful and difficult. It is a lot for just one person to do. Right now your husband is not processing things very well and is choosing poor unhealthy ways to cope, he needs help and counseling with that. Something needs to shift the balance of responsibility and some of that very well could be having your own space or bringing in help. Do you have any family close by?


----------



## emc (Mar 2, 2016)

Will do Phil! And no, Blossom, we actually don't. My family helps as much as they can but none live very close. Same for his family. We've discussed counseling in the past when he has one of his moments where he admits he needs help but, along with things going to the same a week or so later, he also denies ever saying he needed help and actually turns it around on me and says I'm the crazy one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

I'm wondering, what does HE think he needs help for? Does he ever indicate what he thinks the problem is in particular?


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

emc said:


> Will do Phil! And no, Blossom, we actually don't. My family helps as much as they can but none live very close. Same for his family. We've discussed counseling in the past when he has one of his moments where he admits he needs help but, along with things going to the same a week or so later, he also denies ever saying he needed help and actually turns it around on me and says I'm the crazy one.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You may find this website handy...

Out of the FOG


----------



## emc (Mar 2, 2016)

He always says he's depressed and has testosterone issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

emc said:


> He always says he's depressed and has testosterone issues.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How does he know that?


----------



## emc (Mar 2, 2016)

He says that he used to be treated for depression. He never really talks about it very much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

So.... what are you going to do? He is able bodied and able to work, no excuses. Right?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Here's the thing. You married one of those men willing to let his woman do it all. Some are like that. Some get that way with depression. 

But for whatever reason, there's only one thing that's going to make a difference in your life - for you to have a boundary AND a consequence if he crosses that boundary. Simply put, you have to be willing to lose the marriage to have a chance to save it. If you're not willing to say to him "I can't live like this, and I WON'T live like this" - and give him a final chance to meet your standards, you have to be willing to walk away. And he has to know you're serious. I begged my H 20 different ways to help me, to change, to listen...nothing, for 30 years. It wasn't until he saw I was starting to make plans to leave him that he stepped up and started listening. 

That's really your only option. Offer to help him treat his depression, but stand firm on what you expect and deserve.

Remember, we teach people how to treat us. If we teach them they can ignore us, take us for granted, by ALLOWING it, why should they do anything different?


----------



## emc (Mar 2, 2016)

He has no excuse Blossom. And I agree Turnera. I actually did give him that ultimatum once. He had a month to get help and to start being more helpful. At the time, he agreed to going to a doctor and agreed that he needed to help more and work more. Now, here I sit, 6 months later.... He still swears nothing's wrong with him. He has started being a bit more helpful but that's only when he wants something or when his mom comes over.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lol, I always know when my H wants sex because he cleans. Does dishes or something. So I don't have to do it, can go to bed sooner. 

The key to an ultimatum like that is to have direct things that have to be done and a hard timeline.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

And one of the techniques I use is... "hey, lets partner together to know this or that out and then we can have some us time, be done for the day, etc."

It lifts the pressure instead of increases it.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow, hypocrisy at its finest....he came down on YOU because, ya know, its "just a baby", but now that he is home being a lazy ass, its because of that same baby. (toddler now?) You have seen the pattern. My advice would be to give him ONE more chance...to get to the dr, have his levels checked and get on some anti depressant meds and see if he starts feeling and doing better. Once he goes back to his useless ways, which Im sure he will, file for divorce. If I'm wrong and he really does snap out of it and improve, then its all good. You do everything yourself already, its easier to do without the albatross around your neck, take it from someone who has been there.


----------



## emc (Mar 2, 2016)

As bad as this is probably going to sound, I keep telling myself that I have to make this work for our child. I feel like I deserve better but he's always saying things like how I'm lucky he even does what he does now and how all men are like this and I guess I've just gotten to a point, mentally, where I always doubt my feelings and opinions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

emc said:


> As bad as this is probably going to sound, I keep telling myself that I have to make this work for our child. I feel like I deserve better but he's always saying things like how I'm lucky he even does what he does now and how all men are like this and I guess I've just gotten to a point, mentally, where I always doubt my feelings and opinions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nope, he's completely full of crap! Don't doubt yourself, listen to your gut and your inner voice. You KNOW this is not a good situation for you OR your child.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Where's your mom? Can you talk to her about it?


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

emc said:


> He has no excuse Blossom. And I agree Turnera. I actually did give him that ultimatum once. *He had a month to get help *and to start being more helpful. At the time, he agreed to going to a doctor and agreed that he needed to help more and work more. *Now, here I sit, 6 months later*.... He still swears nothing's wrong with him. He has started being a bit more helpful but that's only when he wants something or when his mom comes over.


What has he learned from this?


----------



## emc (Mar 2, 2016)

My mom is a couple of hours away but she has the mentality of submission. That if I want things to get better then I need to be more supportive of him. And NobodySpecial, he didn't learn anything besides the fact that I don't follow through and that I'm just full of empty threats. It's just so difficult because I really do love him but it's gotten to the point where loving him is physically, mentally and emotionally killing me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Friends? Therapist? Church?


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

There are a lot of men like this ,but there are also many men who are not. My H started off like this to a degree because his mom prided herself on her men not having to do anything to help. I am not that woman, so he hit a hard learning curve. BUT I also dont like piling on negativity so I frame it positively like I did earlier in the thread and as I've been consistent over time, he picks up more and more. We also recently hired a maid to knock the edge off the load so that what we partner on is lightweight on both of us since we both work some pretty long hours.


----------

