# Wife and child are 'Best Friends'



## Xiphoidfugu (Jul 28, 2021)

Hello. I need some advice please.

So my wife has declared herself and our 5yo boy, 'best friends' for some time now and the parenting style she thinks is effective seems to be greatly contributing to the destruction of our relationship. She is visibly frustrated by our son's constant 'need' for attention, but she can't say no to him when she needs a break. She does try sometimes, but he acts out (crying, screaming, calling names and hitting) until she gives in. If I try to intervene, she gets angry with me and still gives in. She's said before that she can't stand to see him sad and crying...and I understand that's mother's guilt. Days are like this when I'm at work too, so I come home and am expected to comfort her and take control so she can have a break...but even then, she will intervene when I say no and give him what he wants anyway. She will try and nap, but our child will go interrupt her and wake her as soon as my back is turned. She will get up and get angry at me for not controlling him rather than at him for not respecting her boundaries.

Because she is so drained from trying to fulfill his 'need' for attention every waking hour (6am-11pm some days), there's no time or energy left for us, except she still expects me to give 100% to her. I'm feeling neglected, and don't even feel like participating anymore when it comes to our child or our relationship and now she feels neglected by me and says I'm not giving her what she wants and she CAN'T give me what I want. It is true that I haven't been giving her the attention she deserves but I have tried and still feel neglected myself. 

I feel like if we could just work together to teach our child to respect our boundaries then we could have more time to nurture our relationship and be better parents. When I try and talk about this with her, she doesn't want to listen at all and just accuses me of attacking her.

Just an FYI, if I'm home alone with our child, he knows to respect me when I say no. Sometimes he gets mad, but he quickly gets over it. My wife has asked 'why' his behaviour is different for me alone than when she's around many many times, because it frustrates her and I've explained why, but she says she doesn't agree with my parenting style despite the difference. (I don't smack or spank or anything like that)

I even tried asking her, if I treated her the way our child treats her would she stay in the relationship? Seems like he's going to be on a road towards feeling entitled and acting out, or worse, being abusive in his future relationships when he doesn't get his way.

How do I communicate with my wife effectively so she can understand why this parenting style is affecting our entire family relationship so negatively..before it's too late.

I Love her to death and am trying to be extremely patient with her, hoping it might just 'click' when she's screaming at our son to just leave her alone for 5 mins..but it doesn't seem to be clicking.

 


----------



## MEA (Jul 12, 2021)

First of all, congratulations on not falling for the “my parents / my children are my best friends” garbage parenting style seen so often these days.
Spouse’s should be best friends. NOT parents and children - your wife is practicing emotional incest with your son

IMO, seeking friendship from a child is incredibly stressful for the child - it’s far too much responsibility to place on a child. But preaching to the choir here.

I’m not normally a fan of ultimatums, but it sounds like your wife needs one before she utterly destroys your child and your marriage with her reckless “parenting.”

Offer to attend counseling with a specialist who deals with parenting issues with your wife. Tell her that you will not stand idly by while she spoils and ruins your child for life - if she insists, then she can do it 50% of the time under a parenting plan via divorce and you can enjoy your peace and sanity again. Don’t throw the divorce word out immediately, but start with “This simply is not working. There needs to be a change.”


----------



## Xiphoidfugu (Jul 28, 2021)

She's already put our relationship on hold because she blames me for not giving her enough attention..and she's not sure what she wants.
At this point, I'm sleeping on the couch and we're not communicating at all. I'll try the offer of counselling, but I'm nearly 100% certain she will reject the idea.

I'm not ready to give up though, because we did so well with our first two children (11 yo twins)


----------



## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

What?! Is she 5 years old as well?? 

She's his mother and not his best friend and she should damn well act like it.

What a lousy parent.


----------



## Xiphoidfugu (Jul 28, 2021)

syhoybenden said:


> What?! Is she 5 years old as well??
> 
> She's his mother and not his best friend and she should damn well act like it.
> 
> What a lousy parent.


I feel like this was a 'parenting style' pushed by single moms on social media.

"I don't need no man, my child is my best friend...ride or die"


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Xiphoidfugu said:


> She's already put our relationship on hold because she blames me for not giving her enough attention..and she's not sure what she wants.
> At this point, I'm sleeping on the couch and we're not communicating at all. I'll try the offer of counselling, but I'm nearly 100% certain she will reject the idea.
> 
> I'm not ready to give up though, because we did so well with our first two children (11 yo twins)


So why has her parenting style change so much since you had the twins?


----------



## Xiphoidfugu (Jul 28, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> So why has her parenting style change so much since you had the twins?


I'm honestly not sure. Just other influences over time maybe? We can both say no to the twins whenever we need to still.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Xiphoidfugu said:


> I feel like this was a 'parenting style' pushed by single moms on social media.
> 
> "I don't need no man, my child is my best friend...ride or die"


Hmm...single mom of now grown sons here.

I've never heard this philosophy. My sons and I are pretty tight but I was always their mother. My younger son in particular needed more parenting and he is now 18, working, getting ready to start college, and is an all around great guy. 

This stems from her need to be liked, but we all know that as parents we aren't always liked. I used to kiss my boys on the forehead and tell them I loved them after making them do what they needed to do.

You guys really do need counseling. Have you tried approaching her from the standpoint of wanting to understand better how to help her? It's her issue but maybe that will get her to at least try counseling.


----------



## Xiphoidfugu (Jul 28, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Hmm...single mom of now grown sons here.
> 
> I've never heard this philosophy. My sons and I are pretty tight but I was always their mother. My younger son in particular needed more parenting and he is now 18, working, getting ready to start college, and is an all around great guy.
> 
> ...


I don't knock the idea of wanting and needing a strong and close relationship with our children. Social media seems to twist and exaggerate things though...because people only post the best of their worlds on there it's easy to see a message from someone and associate it with all things good, if you understand what I mean. The issue is that our child demands attention every moment of every day..not because he needs it, but because he expects it from her at this point and if he doesn't get it NOW then he throws tantrums and fits until he gets attention..even if it's negative attention. For this reason, he doesn't respect boundaries. If she wants to be left alone for even 5 mins..he starts screaming, calling names, hitting and even throwing things at her. He's not disciplined for this behaviour, instead he's given what he demands...even if I try to step in..she steps in between us and gives him what he wants. She's undermining me but also undermining herself as part of the parental authority and teaching him that he doesn't need to respect her boundaries and can just act out to get what he wants or believes he's entitled to from her. I think a lot of it has to do with her needing to feel like he loves her all the time and that if he's mad or upset then she believes he might not like her anymore. Fear and insecurity.

I will try and offer the idea of counselling, and hopefully she'll bite. 

I don't pretend that the problem lies only with her either. I know I've contributed to some of our issues as well. We have talked about it, I've owned my issues and am always working to resolve those.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You’re in a tough spot, one of my kids was like this. I just had a mini hot flush reading this, it was a terrible time. He listened to his dad, his siblings but not me, and he demanded so much of my time I was exhausted. Nothing worked, and I got extra help from gp and nurses… and nothing worked. 😁 And he was loud too! Wowsers was it loud from 6am! 

I was a loving mum and gave him what he needed, but I was not his best friend. Honestly I was very worried about the same things you were. Except maybe I worried more that my husband was the softie and I was the baddie. My husband just kept repeating it was a phase and boy did that make me feel more insane 😁

I am happy to say, it gets better towards puberty! And I now have a great son who still needs a lot more time that the other kids, but can now calmly say what he needs and feels in life and I think he’s amazing - not many boys his age can express their feelings and needs verbally. He can articulate things in a way even I can’t! I’m hoping it will take him far in life. I was worried like you that he was entitled, but the little man in front of me now seems to be a person who had trouble saying what he wanted & needed & it took him a little longer to mature. 

He’ll try and act out here and there when he’s wanting to push boundaries, but he knows the end result doesn’t work in his favour. And that he will be called out on his behaviour every time.

Also, what helped the most, and I notice from your post that he is only this way with your wife, is more one on one time with dad. As he’s grown, I’ve removed myself little by little and let the boys have time away from the girls. (I have always been convinced I was the problem and feel no shame or blow to my pride understanding that he just may clash with me). 

Dad and son have a bond, he loves time with his dad so much. He’s a different kid with dad, much the way you describe. Even though he’s older now, the first thing he asks after school is when is dad coming home. That warms my heart. It’s quite possible that it’s more of you that he wants and not mum?

I make sure that when they’re hanging out, I go out or busy myself, and don’t interfere with their time, or how my husband does things. They are my boys, I love seeing how well they get along. I think my son will always unleash his emotions on me 😁 But it’s dad that he will turn to more as he ages. 

So maybe some more time with you is what he’s really wanting but doesn’t know how to express it, given how small he is? So mum is probably annoying him a bit and he’s taking out all that frustration on her. He probably wants to get away from her rather than have more of her?

Try and be a team, don’t let your marriage go, she is probably on the verge of a breakdown and just wants it all to stop, I’m sure she’s tried everything too, like you. Come together in this, not apart. Get outside help too. My husband was ashamed to do this, but we had no choice in the end. No shame in seeking help from people who study kids, work with kids, know kids. 

By the way, has he started school yet? How is his behaviour with teachers? 

Our teachers were absolutely shocked when I questioned if this behaviour happened at school and said he was one of the best kids ever. 

So pay attention to this - the teachers spoke about hearing of these scenarios here and there, and said a red flag was a child who acted out this behaviour in the early years at school rather than at home. The behaviour you describe (if acted out at kinder/school) is often a red flag for character disorders or child abuse at home. So a child acting out at home is a safe kid with a safe place to land and will do better in life. Does this happen with other relatives or carers?


----------



## Xiphoidfugu (Jul 28, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> You’re in a tough spot, one of my kids was like this. I just had a mini hot flush reading this, it was a terrible time. He listened to his dad, his siblings but not me, and he demanded so much of my time I was exhausted. Nothing worked, and I got extra help from gp and nurses… and nothing worked. 😁 And he was loud too! Wowsers was it loud from 6am!
> 
> I was a loving mum and gave him what he needed, but I was not his best friend. Honestly I was very worried about the same things you were. Except maybe I worried more that my husband was the softie and I was the baddie. My husband just kept repeating it was a phase and boy did that make me feel more insane 😁
> 
> ...


He started school last fall, but with lockdowns he was only there a couple weeks. The teachers didn't talk much about him, but he IS very outgoing and talks to everyone who walks by the house. With other kids during play, he can be very demanding and run to us crying when he doesn't get his way. With his brothers he's demanding too and mum steps in to give him his brothers things even if they protest that they don't want him to have them (they honestly have so little compared to his over crowded toy store of a room). I was actually successful a few weeks ago in convincing my wife that we needed to take away from him, about 70% of his toys because he wasn't learning to take care of them or put them away to the point we had to walk on toys to enter his room (years of warning her about this and trying to stop it). She would tell him that she would clean it so don't worry about it, but it usually ended up with me cleaning it up, so that's why I finally got through to her about it. 
He gets time with me when mum is at work in the afternoons/evenings, but if my wife and I are home together he follows her all over the house and says "I don't want daddy" whenever she's trying to get him to find something to do other than follow her and scream and yell at her. I was always the 'hard' parent when it comes to discipline and she the softy, so when he's with me, he will sometimes start to act up but I just tell him 'enough' or 'ok, I need 5 mins alone' and he backs down immediately almost every time. With the twins though, she never stepped in to undermine me and would mostly back me if they tried to whine to her...but they understood we were a team...still understand. I know raising kids is super crazy and parents can get off track sometimes as far as the relationship goes (I have 2 grown boys from a previous marriage), but I honestly believe if we don't stop to focus on maintaining our relationship regularly, then not only does the relationship suffer, but our ability to be a good parental team suffers and so the kids suffer. Relationship #1 in order to keep our kids #1...if that makes any sense?! The great balancing act.


----------



## Xiphoidfugu (Jul 28, 2021)

So I've asked if she would be open to marriage counselling and she's replied 'maybe'...it's not a no..so we'll see if this goes anywhere.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Make her go with you to a child psychologist to learn how important it is to get on the same page and how this will ruin the child.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

You are where you are because you have allowed it.

I think that it's about time you take the role of the responsible parent and manup. Put a stop to it firmly or get out of the relationship. 
Arguing or sleeping on the couch won't do a thing. Be the man, get her to respect you or like I said end the relationship, which as things stand that's what most likely will happens, either soon, some years down the road where it will be worse for you.
She.. and you to an extend are creating a later teen monster, if this continues as he gets older prepare yourself for an entitled prick down the road. The first 5 to 6 years of a child are his formative years, after that they just will follow that mold.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

There was a video widely shared from a young mother critical of your wife's parenting style. She basically said: "If your best friend is your child, there's something wrong with you."


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

First. Go sleep in your own bed. If your wife has a problem she can sleep on the couch.

Second. Why are you allowing your child to behave this way. Your the parent, stop the child Let him throw the tantrum.
Spank his butt when he hits or calls named.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

ABHale said:


> First. Go sleep in your own bed. If your wife has a problem she can sleep on the couch.
> 
> Second. Why are you allowing your child to behave this way. Your the parent, stop the child Let him throw the tantrum.
> Spank his butt when he hits or calls named.


Definitely this!

I told my wife from day one that I will never sleep on the couch or in another room if we were arguing about something. We are married, we sleep in the same bed together. 

And your kid will continue to throw tantrums until your wife can actually follow through and not give into him, period. I think you really need to gain control and leadership over your household.


----------



## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Xiphoidfugu said:


> Hello. I need some advice please.
> 
> So my wife has declared herself and our 5yo boy, 'best friends' for some time now and the parenting style she thinks is effective seems to be greatly contributing to the destruction of our relationship. She is visibly frustrated by our son's constant 'need' for attention, but she can't say no to him when she needs a break. She does try sometimes, but he acts out (crying, screaming, calling names and hitting) until she gives in.


<sound of scratching record>

I'm going to call [email protected] right there.

I think moms are typically the nurturing parent, but this is not nurturing, she's creating a monster.

You're the non-nurturing parent, the bad guy, the head of the house and you need to put a stop to it.

I've had to do that before (not for something this serious, thankfully) and my wife has always gone along with my decision.

You may not be able to do anything about it when you're not at home, but when you are at home you need to make it stop. Lock him up in the closet. Her too, if necessary (Note: Use separate closets.)

Ok, just kidding about the closets, but you need to stop this crap while you still can.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You said the kid was crying a
D throwing a tantrum and you tried to step in and SHE got angry and SHE still gave in.

Not really. Your wife got angry and YOU gave in and the kid had zero consequences.

YOu don’t spank. You allow your wife to coddle your child. You are allowing all this. Why? You’re scared she will leave? Scared she will call the cops? Scared she will divorce you? If she leaves with the child SHE will have to take him and deal with him with zero help. 
if she calls the cops you just escaped to jail or your child is taken away for a while. If she divorces you, you’ll get 50/50 custody or more.
Sounds like a win on all 3?


----------



## abigailla (Jul 14, 2021)

I think you really should offer the help of a specialist, but not in the format that she only needs help, but do it together.


----------



## Xiphoidfugu (Jul 28, 2021)

I know what the solution is. I know what we all have to do to get this relationship back on track. My issue is with getting my wife to understand what's happening, her role in all of this and what part she has to change to help us get there together. It's not about just dominating her and making her do it or else..that doesn't make her understand anything...and as I've said. I personally recognize how I have contributed to this mess and have been working on changing myself.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Xiphoidfugu said:


> I know what the solution is. I know what we all have to do to get this relationship back on track. My issue is with getting my wife to understand what's happening, her role in all of this and what part she has to change to help us get there together. It's not about just dominating her and making her do it or else..that doesn't make her understand anything...and as I've said. I personally recognize how I have contributed to this mess and have been working on changing myself.


Maybe she is overwhelmed? Depressed? She can't cope? Dealing with twins and a small child all day must be exhausting.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Does your wife realize that the difference in parenting styles with the kids may make the twins build resentment toward her? They also will most likely dislike the 5 year old. Treating children so differently is downright mean. Mean of her and mean of you.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Does your wife realize that the difference in parenting styles with the kids may make the twins build resentment toward her? They also will most likely dislike the 5 year old. Treating children so differently is downright mean. Mean of her and mean of you.


But children are not all the same and some children require a different parenting style. It's easy to judge from the outside.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> But children are not all the same and some children require a different parenting style. It's easy to judge from the outside.





Xiphoidfugu said:


> With his brothers he's demanding too and mum steps in to give him his brothers things even if they protest that they don't want him to have them (they honestly have so little compared to his over crowded toy store of a room).


Defend this practice, if you can.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Defend this practice, if you can.


I don't know, she sounds tired to me and she is giving in easily because that child is a nightmare.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It’s about the worst parenting (non parenting) as one can get. OP, you are married to a woman that is teaching your kids to be this way. You are passively allowing yourself to be out of the equation. Why is HER anger toward you getting results (just like the child’s anger toward her is getting results), but YOUR anger/feelings have no actionable effects????
You are not being the leader here. When you are taking reasonable actions, you shouldn’t allow her anger to intervene. Show her YOUR anger and enforce YOUR boundaries.
If a 5 year old has more authority with your wife than you, what does that say about your relationship? She can either stop the nonsense, or you can divorce and get 50/50 custody. Then your 5 yr old can manipulate you and her even easier.

You’ve let things go too long. This is going to be extremely hard to fix. Demand counseling. Demand your consequences for your son be enforced and no intervention from her. Her methods aren’t working too well, are they?

why are you so scared to enforce consequences for your wife for her obviously disrespectful actions? There has to be a reason.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I would suggest family therapy as a matter of extreme urgency.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Xiphoidfugu said:


> My issue is with getting my wife to understand what's happening, her role in all of this and what part she has to change to help us get there together.


What you're saying here is your wife has to change. So what if she refuses to see her part in the problem? What if she doesn't even think there's a problem? Then what? 

I'd suggest you start seriously considering a contingency plan, because from where I'm sitting, it doesn't sound like she's ready or willing to change squat.



Xiphoidfugu said:


> It's not about just dominating her and making her do it or else..that doesn't make her understand anything.


Uh, no. And that's a HARD no. You've got it backwards here. Nobody is saying you need to be a knuckle-dragging troglodyte. It's about BOUNDARIES. And last time I looked, boundaries aren't about issuing ultimatums: "Do this or I'm outta here." Boundaries are you simply stating what you will and will not accept: "I'm sorry, wife, but the problem we're facing here is having a negative impact on me and our marriage. I'm not happy. I will not continue to tolerate this situation. If it continues, we'll need to separate. You are free to choose how you wish to proceed."

So quit with the mantra that she needs to "understand." What YOU need to understand is you need to clarify what you will and will not accept from your marriage partner. If she doesn't "understand" your position, then it's contingent on you to make difficult decisions. 

YOUR life. YOUR choice.


----------

