# Should I pull the plug?



## LostJulia (Apr 20, 2021)

Hello everyone. I've been following a lot of posts and decided to share my story. I'm not yet sure if this involves infidelity...but my gut tells me it does.

About 4 months ago my husband randomly dropped a bomb on me and said, "I don't want to be with you anymore", and has asked for a divorce.

Quick background: We're both late 30's, been together for 18 years, two children in Highschool. Our relationship has had it's up and downs starting out so young, there were some childish mistakes which I believe we both learned and grew from. We've had an amazing marriage for the most part, best friends, been there for one another through hardships, active sex life, amazing kids. He works at an upscale restaurant as a bartender and I've been a stay at home mom. Both college educated, but never finished our degrees. We rent, lease is in his name. We have two vehicles, both in his name, and no real assets outside what we own in the home.

Flash forward; he's unrecognizable. I'm completely lost and it feels this came out of nowhere.

Cold, distant, treats me with distain, asked me to move out, say's our marriage is over, obsessive over working out and updating his wardrobe, looking at purchasing a new car.

Story:
Like many people, Covid hit our family hard, he was laid off. We basically spent almost a year inside watching Netflix and occasionally having alcoholic drinks. Kind of became our hangout routine. He got deep into creating youtube videos and became a big part of an online community with similar "creators". Constantly on his phone and Instagram. He eventually got his job back. He worked, still did his youtube thing, which I supported and liked. I was at home helping the kids with virtual school, cleaning, cooking, laundry, handling our financials which we were way behind on, etc.

Around October, he starting to workout, running, bought a bike to ride (his online friends are really into marathons, they do meet ups). I was proud of him. I talked about getting a bike and maybe it could be something we did together, he got upset and this confused me. Overall, he was affectionate and loving, but something was off. Skip ahead a few months, we're hanging out and he just randomly say's, "I don't want to be with you anymore". It hit me like a ton of bricks, my heart broke, didn't know how to respond. I asked the typical stuff, Why? Things were just great a month ago? If that's what you really want, I want you to be happy. Blah blah. Basically to sum it up, he called me a leech, I've never worked or help provide for the family. He said he's just funding my lifestyle, staying home, spending time with the kids, I make dinner too late, suck at doing household chores, and called me an alcoholic. Now i'm the worst person to exist, when months ago, he was saying I'm the most amazing person he's ever known. This is all burned in my brain. He said he's felt like this for a while, I asked why didn't you communicate it with me? "I tried". I responded with something like..."I love you and our family more than anything, I want to at least try and make this work, how can you throw away 18 years together like nothing"? Just a cold, "no, I want a divorce".

All of that was about 4 months ago.

He opened a secret bank account, I found out about b/c his atm card came in the mail. He started depositing all his money there. Previously, all the bills went through my bank account (he had a chexsystem issue). I switched all the bills to his new atm card and locked him out of my bank account. Then we got our tax returns and stimulus checks, which were all direct deposited in my account. Now he's enraged and say's I'm stealing his money. I've used it to pay down our credit card debt (covid), the rest is still there and kind of a last line of defense before I'm tossed out of my family home.

Currently:

Both of our kids have an idea of what's going on, I've tried to shield them. Our eldest is the most upset and knows more details then he should. Their dad has rarely spent time with either of them since his new found life, he's focused on himself.

After reading up, he checks about every red flag of someone having an affair. When asked, he denies it hard (which I don't think he's that kind of person, but maybe now that he considers the marriage over, he can avoid guilt?). I've found no evidence of an affair. I gained access to his phone and computer, google timeline/activity. No texts, no instagram, nothing in browser history. He's deleted his location and activity a few times, unless this is a google error. Example; leaves work at 10, missing location history, gets home at 12. Considering a VAR in his car. I'm not sure it's worth the trouble at this point. I've found no burner phone.

For my own sanity, I'm trying the 180. I've made zero attempt to speak with him about anything, I'm not begging, I'm nice, I'm focusing on my kids. While inside it's a complete hell. I'm worried about how I'll survive on my own, my kids, losing the one person I've always loved. How to prepare for divorce? I can't afford an attorney. Am I the pos that ruined our marriage? Is there someone else? 

We're still living in the same house (keeps asking me when i'll move out), still sleeping in the same bed, no sex, he hasn't served me divorce papers. I'm actively searching for a job, which has been difficult.

None of this makes sense.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Yep. These are the classic signs of cheating. I am pretty sure you can get a free consult with a lawyer. Contact them, it’s worth it. 

Other people can give you advice about VAR, but I can say, that even though I found out about my X’s affair after our divorce, it was a relief to confirm it. It was still painful, but I then at least understood what was happening. 

Oh, I didn’t think my x was that kind of person, either. But eventually I realized that sometimes there is no way to know they are that kind of person until they actually do it. He probably didn’t think he was that kind of person either. And to be honest he probably still doesn’t think he’s that kind of person. The man you married probably wasn’t that kind of person. But he’s not the man you married, that person is gone and isn’t coming back. It’s one of the worst pains of my life, but sadly (and thankfully) you aren’t alone in this. There a ton of people who have faced what you are facing and come out on the other side of it stronger and happier.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Sounds like you're doing all the right things, separating finances, etc.

I suggest filing for divorce now. 

It almost doesn't matter if he's cheating, the outcome will still be the same.

If you get a job and he remains unemployed you might owe him monthly support and any good attorney will tell you as much.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

I'd start shoring up friends and family. Is there someone you can lean on financially for help in the interim? You have not found evidence of an affair - maybe he has had an affair and maybe he hasn't but he definitely seems to be setting himself up for one if he hasn't. Ignoring the kids is a huge indicator, along with the other behavior. As you say, he checks all the boxes.

He's left the marriage and it's probably best that you take the same posture for you and the kids.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Why is he expecting _*you* _to move out? If he wants his independence so badly, he can be the one to move out. You've got kids to take care of and they need stability. You need to get an attorney to help you navigate these issues.


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## jparistotle (Jul 10, 2018)

LostJulia said:


> Hello everyone. I've been following a lot of posts and decided to share my story. I'm not yet sure if this involves infidelity...but my gut tells me it does.
> 
> About 4 months ago my husband randomly dropped a bomb on me and said, "I don't want to be with you anymore", and has asked for a divorce.
> 
> ...


Get a lawyer and no your rights. Stop playing nice and inform him you are seeking to end this marriage. Do it now while the kids are in school and make him pay


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## jparistotle (Jul 10, 2018)

jparistotle said:


> Get a lawyer and know your rights. Stop playing nice and inform him you are seeking to end this marriage. Do it now while the kids are in school and make him pay


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

LostJulia said:


> Hello everyone. I've been following a lot of posts and decided to share my story. I'm not yet sure if this involves infidelity...but my gut tells me it does.
> 
> About 4 months ago my husband randomly dropped a bomb on me and said, "I don't want to be with you anymore", and has asked for a divorce.
> 
> ...


Well he is very thorough. Deleting location history says a hell of a lot about what’s going on. He maybe has a cheater app like Snapchat, or texts through a game. Or maybe he just knows he will see her at the gym or events and they coordinate that way.

Nobody thinks a person is “that kind of person”, even when you see or hear the hard evidence it’s not something your brain can truly accept for a long time. But there isn’t a point in trying to prove it unless you really need to have the evidence for personal reasons. More Likely when you are separated, he will suddenly have a “new” girlfriend right away that of course he met after you were already done. 

I’m sorry this is happening to you, you should go see a lawyer, as someone else said, you don’t want to be paying him child support if you get a job and he’s living off... how is he paying the bills exactly??

Oh I see it he is working again. Well go see a lawyer and see what a divorce would look like for you with his income and go from there.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

He can't toss you out of the home, so don't worry about that. He can not renew the lease though, when it expires, so would be a good idea to shore something up for you and the kids.

He will have to pay your legal fees, I believe that can be ordered.


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## LostJulia (Apr 20, 2021)

@BlueWoman
I've read up on the affair "fog", could explain what's going on. He just seems like a completely different person. Crazy to me, someone you've loved half your life can just flip a switch and that love turns to hatred overnight. I am holding out hope he wakes up and the person I loved comes back. This is easily the worst pain, I feel so betrayed. 

@Trident
I've been researching divorce all day. I suppose ending our marriage based on infidelity would just deepen the wound vs him just deciding to move on because he's not happy (I could understand that). He is employed, he's the sole provider. 

@FlaviusMaximus
As far as friends and family, I haven't shared anything with anyone. I don't have much in regards to a family, pretty much on my own. He only has his dad, which they just recently reconnected (around the time this all started) and is an awful person. Funny enough, he left his family for another woman. Now they are close and is def cheerleading him leaving me. I 100% agree, if he's not having an affair, he's still preparing to be with other people (I suppose that's natural). I'm trying to take posture, it's difficult. I think I've done well on the 180, it's helped. I can't just turn feelings off for him though, I still love him. 

@Tatsuhiko
He expects me to leave because I'm not on the lease. From the info I've gathered, it doesn't matter. It's still considered our marital home. Even if I could leave, I wouldn't. From my understandings that could be considered abandonment in court. 

@jparistotle
I have no access to his money. All I have is the tax refund/stimulus money, which I've only used to pay down our credit cards, otherwise it's been untouched. I can't afford an attorney. He's talked about doing it himself, a noncontested divorce, 50/50 custody. He gets enraged if I bring up alimony or child support (the kids would want to live with me). 

@QuietRiot
Google timeline can be a bit wonky. I've looked at my own timeline and shows many "missing locations" as well. I could be overreacting. I've considered putting a GPS on his car, along with a var. Infidelity in marriage can have repercussions in court from what I've read, which is the main reason I'd even bother collecting evidence. 

@frusdil
Why wouldn't he be able to renew the lease? I'm looking at places to live, where we are rent is extremely expensive and makes it difficult. Where we live currently is close to 50% of his income. 


He's going on a 4 day vacation, with his dad, and meeting up with some of the online youtubers. I'd like to have divorce papers ready to go when he gets back. Perhaps in a sad attempt to snap him out of it, otherwise I hope it starts the healing process for me and I can begin to accept this is over. I'll look into attorney options tmmr. If it is over, having no income/job experience, gaining employment with a wage that would allow me to live in this area (expensive/kids school). I worry about my kids and the impact it will have on them. All very scary, I feel like I've just been thrown away. Outside of my parents dying, this is the most painful thing I've ever experienced. I just want to yell and scream, WTF are you thinking? What is wrong with you? He's deleted all the love and the good things in our long relationship. It doesn't make sense. 

Thank you all for your replies.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

He is definitely cheating, all the red flags are there. He is is his affair fog. He is probably off with OW on his 4 days. Is there any way you can conceal a recording device in the lining of his bag. The OW could well be connected to his lost long father’s woman or something like that.


Go see a lawyer pro bono for a consult on what your options are. He has no right to ask you to leave the house. Check all of this with the lawyer. Or perhaps there are organisations who can help you with all this free in your area?
Continue to do a hard 180 on him.
Tell family and friends (his and yours) that he has asked you to leave and wants a divorce. Expose him, so he will have a hard time trying to make up stories to cover what he is up to.
Go into investigation mode, do not put him on notice, (act in stealth mode). He has lost all right to privacy. Put that VAR in his car, GPS etc. Go through his pc when he is away. 
Is there anyone he works with that you are close to and can put the feelers out to see if cheating? visit the bar he works at.
Rely on a close friend for support. Do you have siblings who would help you check up on him at work and find out if there is someone else?
Stop doing anything for him, no cooking, cleaning, washing, etc. Tell him if he wants his freedom this is what it will be like and if he wants you out, you are the main carer, and he should leave.
By the way let him rage, he will try and bully you into submission. Do not backdown.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

LostJulia said:


> @BlueWoman
> I've read up on the affair "fog", could explain what's going on. He just seems like a completely different person. Crazy to me, someone you've loved half your life can just flip a switch and that love turns to hatred overnight. I am holding out hope he wakes up and the person I loved comes back. This is easily the worst pain, I feel so betrayed.


Julia, I am so sorry that you are going through this, but you are in the right place full of caring people who have been through exactly what you are now going through and will help you every step of the way. I understand you "holding out hope", but if you really think about it.... now that he has crossed the Rubicon, can you really fathom staying with him? Even if the old husband showed back up, how long until it happens again? You have now witnessed, that you are married to a proverbial stranger who is willing to abandon his wife and children for unknown reasons. Has he lost his mind?

Yes, the signs are there that he is most likely already involved in an affair; EA but more likely PA as well. 

In your first post, you mentioned "childish mistakes" which you both "learned and grew from". Can you disclose what those "mistakes" were? I only asked as you went out of your way to highlight them, and thus it seems they might be more important than you were trying to let on.

Either way, I'm glad your going to get a lawyer involved asap. That, at least, will let know exactly where you stand. With you WH working, and you being the primary care giver of the children, he's going to have to pay up. 

Be strong, for you and your children. You will be happy again. You will find love again.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Any competent attorney will reinforce many of the points here. He cannot kick you out of the house, and he will be obligated for child and spousal support, and your attorney will file a motion requesting that their fees be paid by him, and in most cases that request will be granted by the court.

You need to get into a different mindset as soon as possible. When you say things like "he gets enraged when I talk about child support" you need to get to a place where a) you don't give a rat's ass how he feels or how he acts and b) better yet don't even talk to him about it because it won't do you any good and will only stress you further.

Anything you say to him can and will be used against you. He is now your worst adversary, think about him as an ex-business partner. You need to break the contract as quickly and cheaply as possible. Remember you didn't ask for this, and now you're in protective mode. You've got yourself and your kids to think about, his wants and needs don't matter anymore. Keep any conversation short, to the point, and "business only". No need to talk about support, and moving out, or anything related to the legal process.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Oh...so he thinks he can just abandon his family and go have a nice, shiny new life and not have to worry about any of his previous responsibilities?? Um...it doesn't work that way. If he wants to leave he's going to have to pay child support and alimony. That's the law, which is there to protect people just like you. Having said that, it won't be much, certainly not enough for you to live on so you need to find a job and soon. Ask your lawyer what is the best timing to do that. 

I wouldn't talk to your husband about this though...no need to get him angry and if he's this out of touch with reality who knows what he'll do. He will eventually say he wants custody of the kids because he won't have to pay the child support that way. But a few months of them cockblocking his new life and suddenly they'll be on your doorstep constantly but you'll have to take him back to court to change the support. Don't fall into that trap.

Is he still paying the bills, rent, food, etc? 

So sorry you're going through all this but happy you have found this group. Lots of supportive and helpful people here.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

LostJulia said:


> @BlueWoman
> I've read up on the affair "fog", could explain what's going on. He just seems like a completely different person. Crazy to me, someone you've loved half your life can just flip a switch and that love turns to hatred overnight. I am holding out hope he wakes up and the person I loved comes back. This is easily the worst pain, I feel so betrayed.
> 
> @Trident
> ...


Your STBXH would have to pay for your lawyer. Look up the top 5 lawyers in your area and set up an appointment.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

LostJulia said:


> @BlueWoman
> I've read up on the affair "fog", could explain what's going on. He just seems like a completely different person. Crazy to me, someone you've loved half your life can just flip a switch and that love turns to hatred overnight. I am holding out hope he wakes up and the person I loved comes back. This is easily the worst pain, I feel so betrayed.
> ,,,
> 
> ...


I always assumed it was the affair fog that made my husband behave that way. And I won’t lie, it’s been almost 8 years, and I still feel that sense of betrayal, and I still consider my divorce to be the hardest and most painfult thing that happened to me in my life. His selfishness caused a lot of damage. And yes he rewrote the marriage, casting me as a bad guy, even though he was the one who was cheating. It still hurts to some extant. But I also am a stronger, wiser, and happier person than I was when I was married to him. The first year was so hard. But I made it through it. And at this point in my life, I am in many ways grateful that it happened. As painful as it was it pushed me to do some important things in my life that I never could have done with him. 

As for your kids, unfortunately the damage is done. It isn’t your fault but you can’t fix the fact that their father is a man of weak character. The best you can do is take care of yourself and model to them how to handle it when life throws you a curve ball. You can model a healthy way to grieve and a healthy way to set boundaries when someone is behaving very badly. And in the long run, your kids will be better for it.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

ABHale said:


> Your STBXH would have to pay for your lawyer.


Often but not always and not necessarily the full amount. 

Gotta be careful when crossing the line between helpful advice and legal advice that may be incorrect.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Trident said:


> Often but not always and not necessarily the full amount.
> 
> Gotta be careful when crossing the line between helpful advice and legal advice that may be incorrect.


That is why I also said to talk with a lawyer. Most of the time it is a free consultation with them the first time. They can explain the rules regarding that in her state.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Trident said:


> Often but not always and not necessarily the full amount.
> 
> Gotta be careful when crossing the line between helpful advice and legal advice that may be incorrect.


That is why......

Double post


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

She has no control over there money.

She also has no access to it. 

He is telling her she needs to leave the home. 

A judge will not like this one bit


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

ABHale said:


> She has no control over there money.
> 
> She also has no access to it.
> 
> ...


If it gets in front of the judge he'll deny he ever said she had to leave, or maybe say "Well I might have said if you don't like it here than leave".

As far as no control of the money, in my divorce my ex had no control either, it was all in my checking account which she had no access to, I earned the money and I paid the bills. That's how we set it because she had a spending problem and needed to be restrained and she was all for it. That would have been my argument if I was ever questioned. I wasn't.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Yeah, let me also add that your husband seems very naive about divorce and his obligations. Does he understand that he'll likely be paying you alimony, even if you opt not to get a job? Does he understand that he'll definitely be paying child support. Whatever apartment he expects you to move into is going to be paid for by him, so it's hard to understand his enthusiasm about you moving out. 

I suggest you take advantage of his naivete while you can. Don't get confrontational. Play nice for as long as you can until your respective attorneys hit him with the bad news. At that point, you'll want to start recording interactions with him in case he makes threats or becomes violent.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Has his income increased? Also, with him being a part of this online group that's into fitness chances are there's women in this group. Even if he's not cheating, he's decided he can go for an upgrade. Whether that's true or not, sounds like he believes it is. 

Protect yourself and your kids. Best of luck moving forward


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

ABHale said:


> That is why I also said to talk with a lawyer. Most of the time it is a free consultation with them the first time. They can explain the rules regarding that in her state.


Consultations with divorce lawyers are not free here. You either need a divorce lawyer or your don't. Doctors don't do free consultations, either. If you need a doctor, you go see one.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

LostJulia said:


> @frusdil
> Why wouldn't he be able to renew the lease? I'm looking at places to live, where we are rent is extremely expensive and makes it difficult. Where we live currently is close to 50% of his income.


I didn't say he wouldn't be able to honey, I said he may opt not to, if he wants a complete separation. That's why you need a plan for yourself. As it is now though, he cannot kick you out of the marital home so stand your ground on that, and do not go.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Trident said:


> If it gets in front of the judge he'll deny he ever said she had to leave, or maybe say "Well I might have said if you don't like it here than leave".
> 
> As far as no control of the money, in my divorce my ex had no control either, it was all in my checking account which she had no access to, I earned the money and I paid the bills. That's how we set it because she had a spending problem and needed to be restrained and she was all for it. That would have been my argument if I was ever questioned. I wasn't.



He can say anything he likes. The proof, except for him telling her to leave, is on her side. 

OP can prove she has never had access to there money. 

Like it or not, it doesn’t matter who earns the money it still belongs to both.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

ABHale said:


> He can say anything he likes. The proof, except for him telling her to leave, is on her side.
> 
> OP can prove she has never had access to there money.
> 
> Like it or not, it doesn’t matter who earns the money it still belongs to both.


Not clear what you're trying to say here. The _burden_ of proof is on her - yes of course he can say anything he likes and unless there's some sort of evidence to back it up such as a recording, then it's meaningless. If she got up in court and said "He told me to leave" she'd get laughed out of the courtroom.

Again, as per my earlier post, so what she can prove she never had access to the money. That's the arrangement they worked out, as with me and my exwife. She was irresponsible with the spending so we put all the accounts solely in my name. She eventually ran up the credit cards but that's another matter.

Of course the money belongs to both of them I never said or implied otherwise.


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## BigbadBootyDaddy (Jun 18, 2018)

The source and genesis to all of this is the social media (YouTube/IG). He either met someone through this hobby. Or thinks he missed out on a care free lifestyle.

I’m part of a YT community. In that community, You can tell who’s married, who has kids and who’s single by the amount of content they upload.

While a GPS tracker on his car might work, I do think you need to also dig into Private DMs and emails to his social media accounts.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Trident said:


> Not clear what you're trying to say here. The _burden_ of proof is on her - yes of course he can say anything he likes and unless there's some sort of evidence to back it up such as a recording, then it's meaningless. If she got up in court and said "He told me to leave" she'd get laughed out of the courtroom.
> 
> Again, as per my earlier post, so what she can prove she never had access to the money. That's the arrangement they worked out, as with me and my exwife. She was irresponsible with the spending so we put all the accounts solely in my name. She eventually ran up the credit cards but that's another matter.
> 
> Of course the money belongs to both of them I never said or implied otherwise.


O well


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Just wanted to say he’s clearly cheating and you need a badass attorney. Get one. Zero options but this.
Also, if you’re a stay at home mom and he’s the breadwinner, he is SCREWED when he gets the divorce he’s asking for. By all means, give it to him. 

people don’t suddenly get distant and start going to the gym unless they are chasing tail. He is. Divorce him and never look back.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> Just wanted to say he’s clearly cheating


No. He isn't.


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## Oracle101 (Apr 26, 2021)

Coping with a partners cheating habits and behavior is very unsettling and often times hits you at the core of your being. 
Its a Gut Punch , followed by an upper cut , design to take you out! When this occurs, you have to protect yourself and your heart. For your children's sake.

Proactively isolating and protecting your assets it highly important. Seeking legal advice will help you to navigate all the pros and cons.

Yet, let me address his dumb **** behavior as of late.. This COVID thing has placed on us all so much stress! We break down badly in many ways from it. It reveals deeply who were are and what we are in the face of a crisis and this is what you are now discovering. He is weak! We all have our strengths and long suits, along with our greatest weakness's and fears that cripple us!

He is a casualty of this covid war on us.. plan and simple, he sought refuge in another person who filled him with lies and falsehoods because that path requires less work! The truth and error of what he has done and gone for? will shake out over time.. just don't be around when it does..

Guard your heart, get some healing, protect your kids and move forward.

It may not seem like it , but someone and something else is better for you , once you let go.

And who knows....Maybe dumb ass! will figure it out! Come back to his senses , apology and come back stronger! as a Man than acting like some lost teenage boy with his lower member directing
his thoughts and actions.

We all make some pretty dumb mistakes, some of us , keep making them! How you come out of them is another matter entirely! Lets hope he has some fraction of character left in him that you decided to love him for when you meet him! And that makes it to the surface of his brain. If not?? Protect and do what others have already advice you to do and you shall be fine in the end.

*Proverbs: 3:5-6 KJV *


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

LostJulia said:


> He's going on a 4 day vacation, with his dad, and meeting up with some of the online youtubers. I'd like to have divorce papers ready to go when he gets back.


If there's any hope of saving things, you should drop the bomb on him before he goes on this vacation.

It might not have gone physical yet, but seems like it probably will on this trip.


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## LostJulia (Apr 20, 2021)

Update:

Apologies for the long break. So I've had a VAR/GPS in his car and access to his laptop and Instagram. Outside of him pretending to be the best father ever and I'm a horrible pos to his best friend, there's no affair. Just bashing me and his friend agreeing and egging him on. He just wants out of the marriage. I believe he's just gotten bored and wants to test the single life "freedom".

Since my last post I've still been doing the 180 hard, it's helped keep me sane. Beginning to rebuild my confidence. Zero intimacy on either side, we both sleep in the same bed still(difficult). I've focused on myself and my kids. We only really talk if it's essential. I've joined a gym and have been working out. Reading his messages with his friend he's talked about how I probably think he's seeing someone bc I've been so withdrawn and always busy, they talk about how he's not. He's talked about my improved appearance, that he thinks I'm likely seeing someone. They laughed about it, said he doesn't really care but wants to find out. They talked about him checking my phone/pc (the irony).

Our apartment lease is ending in 2 months. They raised our rent by $1000😃. We're now both looking for our own places to move. Divorce hasn't been filed, but we've agreed on 50/50 custody. Told him I don't want alimony or child support. This is all really difficult for our kids, esp our eldest who feels pulled in two directions.

Job search is on going. Wish me luck and thank you all for your responses.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

LostJulia said:


> Update:
> 
> Apologies for the long break. So I've had a VAR/GPS in his car and access to his laptop and Instagram. Outside of him pretending to be the best father ever and I'm a horrible pos to his best friend, there's no affair. Just bashing me and his friend agreeing and egging him on. He just wants out of the marriage. I believe he's just gotten bored and wants to test the single life "freedom".
> 
> ...


It’s really sad that someone can just flip a switch like that and not even try to communicate or work on the marriage, but I’m glad you have what you need to move forward with your life. Good luck with all you do!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I still think he’s cheating. Maybe even knows about the VAR because he’s covered all the other bases like a pro.
Why would you take it easy on him in the divorce after he’s tried to hide cash and laughed with his buds about ditching you?

get some anger. You’ve been done wrong.


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## Twodecades (Apr 4, 2021)

LostJulia said:


> Update:
> 
> Apologies for the long break. So I've had a VAR/GPS in his car and access to his laptop and Instagram. Outside of him pretending to be the best father ever and I'm a horrible pos to his best friend, there's no affair. Just bashing me and his friend agreeing and egging him on. He just wants out of the marriage. I believe he's just gotten bored and wants to test the single life "freedom".
> 
> ...


I don't mean to go all conspiracy theorist on you, but is it possible he is aware that you're checking his messages and that he found the VAR? It's becoming more common advice to betrayeds to utilize both, so if he's so interactive with the internet/forums, perhaps he's researched how to cover his tracks. I don't have first hand experience, but I'm told that some VARs have a light that comes on when activated, which needs to be covered with tape.

It may just be that he has a lot of contempt for you, and I'm sorry he's acting so cold. His midlife crisis actions will not ultimately make him into the dynamic person he seems to see himself as.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Look, you don't stay with someone who doesn't want you, no matter what. But you are going to mess around until he has all his money hidden, when you need to get a family lawyer yesterday and start divorce proceedings. Paying the attorney will come out of the sale of your home or money before you divide what's left. You haven't been working, so I'm assuming this is why you are trying to hold on to this horrible situation. If you act quickly while the kids are still underaged, you'll likely get some child custody, but you may as well make up your mind to get two jobs and get to work pronto because most states don't do spousal support. My best advice since your kids are high school age and for no other reason since they can be on their own and let themselves in, is to go ahead and see if you can just get custody, so that he will have to pay you child support for a year or two while you get your work plan together. If you do joint, there would be a chance of you not getting much if any child support because technically, you'd be halving it, though I do think since you've been staying at home, especially if HE wanted it that way, you'd still get some. But you need to plan on working full-time. 

He's obviously going to try to date around. Whether he succeeds or not is another matter, but who cares. He doesn't want you. He's been painfully clear about it. 

So call a family law attorney tomorrow. Do NOT share one with him no matter what he tells you! You have to get someone to fight for your rights here because he doesn't care about you anymore. Good luck.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Look, you don't stay with someone who doesn't want you, no matter what. But you are going to mess around until he has all his money hidden, when you need to get a family lawyer yesterday and start divorce proceedings. Paying the attorney will come out of the sale of your home or money before you divide what's left. You haven't been working, so I'm assuming this is why you are trying to hold on to this horrible situation. If you act quickly while the kids are still underaged, you'll likely get some child custody, but you may as well make up your mind to get two jobs and get to work pronto because most states don't do spousal support. My best advice since your kids are high school age and for no other reason since they can be on their own and let themselves in, is to go ahead and see if you can just get custody, so that he will have to pay you child support for a year or two while you get your work plan together. If you do joint, there would be a chance of you not getting much if any child support because technically, you'd be halving it, though I do think since you've been staying at home, especially if HE wanted it that way, you'd still get some. But you need to plan on working full-time.
> 
> He's obviously going to try to date around. Whether he succeeds or not is another matter, but who cares. He doesn't want you. He's been painfully clear about it.
> 
> So call a family law attorney tomorrow. Do NOT share one with him no matter what he tells you! You have to get someone to fight for your rights here because he doesn't care about you anymore. Good luck.


This I do strongly agree with. Great advice.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@LostJulia This is your marriage in a graphical form. Your husband is in the "affair fog" and there's a big red flag waving about.









Lawyer up and deal with him.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Waiving alimony is not smart. You need to take care of your kids AND their mother.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I wouldn't waive child support either....


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Has there been any previous infidelity in your marriage on either side? 
You mentioned some “childish mistakes” early on, were they related to infidelity?


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