# Did you stay or reconcile?



## unsureone (Feb 4, 2015)

Still making some decisions, but as I read all the posts, it makes me wonder.

How many have divorced? Reconciled? 

It seems reconciliation is not common.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I reconciled. It was difficult but I loved my wife so much I could not face the alternative.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

I reconciled.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I am a BS, my WW had a six month affair with her co-worker. I did not reconcile for my two boys as my opinion is staying in a marriage for kids does not end well. I stayed for my WW and my boys, my family is my world. I offered my WW reconciliation because she was doing whatever she could to save the marriage she had just destroyed. To be honest I did not think she was capable of R but she has proven me wrong. Honestly, I don't mind that she has proven me wrong. I am in IC and MC as a result of her affair and on medication for depression. My WW affair devastated and destroyed who I am, but with therapy I am doing better. When I chose to offer the gift of R to my WW I knew it would be difficult. As it turns out it is the most difficult thing I have done in my life.

Reconciliation is a process with no shortcuts, it is difficult but I have seen glimpses of what the result will be. We communicate like when we were dating, we tell all without any reservations. We have become vulnerable with each other, and with communication I can see how much stronger we are now. There is less bickering, less walking away when mad, instead we sit down and talk the problem all the way through. We have done self reflecting which is difficult for both involved, you work on your weaknesses and fine tune your strengths. You fully support each other during good days and bad to become united again. 

In reconciliation the BS has so much to accept at a time that you feel that is excruciating. You accept that your WS is broken, you accept what they are capable of, and you accept their remorse and regret if they have it. The BS has to forgive what the WS did to you personally as well as the family and marriage. For myself this was a monumental task I had extreme difficulty doing. I hate the fact that my WW cheated on me and my boys, but that is something you have to accept. I will not ever forget what my WW has done to any of us.

The WS has to accept many things also. My WW is crushed with what she has done, she is beside herself that she caused so much destruction, so much pain, and what she is capable of. She is remorseful, ashamed, feeling guilty, regretful, and has cried every day since d-day. She apologizes and thanks me every day since d-day. She is working her ass off to become a better person and one that can be respected. She has goals, she has worked on her weaknesses, she is willing to move a mountain for her family and marriage, she has become selfless. No longer is she selfish and caring about her desires and wants, except for her marriage and family. She has proven to me to stay, to love her fully, and to allow trust to build again. 

If we continue at this pace I give us a ninety eight percent chance to make it. I have become a better person since the affair, I work on myself and my marriage. This road is long and full of difficulties, it's not for everyone, but it was the correct choice for me. 

Whatever you decide unsureone, I can only say to commit fully to your decision. Either decision you make is life altering and pain filled. I wish you peace and happiness in whatever choice you make.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I chose to R. Me & my H have been together since we were teens. It's been a long hard road with meany bumps along the way, But it's worth it. I feel our marriage is getting stronger every day. I wish you the best. it does get better. Good luck.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

I stayed and in R....I made sure I did it for two reasons only, I still love her very much and she is truly and deeply remorseful. Drifting on nailed it on his reply thou, couldn't have said it better!!!


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Divorced. Wasn't going to spend any more time looking at her face and wanting to spit fire.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

My wife and I reconciled. As stated above, it was the most challenging event in my life. The process took 3.5 years to complete. The story is stickied in the Reconciliation Forum. Based on where we are today, and what could have been we are deeply grateful we chose to save the marriage.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

The decision is totally up to you. They are both very very difficult. R is only an option if BOTH people are fully committed. If the WS or BS is not fully committed, I suggest walking away.

Whatever you choose, good luck to you.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I divorced. There were too many lies and absolutely no remorse. Even a year later, the lies continue. 

Every couple is different, and what works for some will never work for others.


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## frankman (Sep 23, 2014)

vellocet said:


> Divorced. Wasn't going to spend any more time looking at her face and wanting to spit fire.


Similar. JUST getting to the stage of admitting to myself I could let another woman into my heart.

I just cant spend the next 50 years checking up on my wife. So now she is my ex.

Not faulting those who stay. It just goes to who I am. I don't share my woman. I am monogamous by nature and EXPECT the same.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Shouldn't the title be "Did you leave or reconcile?" 
Because staying would imply you're reconciling...
Just saying.....

Mom tried to reconcile. 
Until DDay #2
Then she divorced. 

I can't blame her for that at all. 
Anyone who gets cheated on has a right to leave the first time, and no one can judge them for it.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

I reconciled the first time I caught my WW (that I know of). The second time I caught her (that I know of) Nope.


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## Retribution (Apr 30, 2012)

frankman said:


> Similar. JUST getting to the stage of admitting to myself I could let another woman into my heart.
> 
> I just cant spend the next 50 years checking up on my wife. So now she is my ex.
> 
> Not faulting those who stay. It just goes to who I am. I don't share my woman. I am monogamous by nature and EXPECT the same.


Same here. Though my wife seemed to be doing all the right things for R, I just couldn't look at her the same. Sex with her had become a painful experience I just didn't want to endure for the rest of my life.

All of the people I've interviewed who've done R also told me that yes, there are days where they still trigger, feel bad, etc., etc. To them they're happy they stayed. That existence was unacceptable to me.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

I played with the Idea of "R" but i knew that deep down it was not for me. I then used it as a way to keep her off balance so that I could get what I wanted out of the "D". I am not saying that there were not day that I wished it was all a bad dream but there is no way that I could go back to that one sided and abusive relationship. I still have bad days where I wonder what if. It doesn't last long as I see how happy my kids are now and remember how bad it had become. In 16years I had lost everything that had made me "me".


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

I divorced. Terrible mind movies, day in and day out. Her presence was THE number one trigger. And I was becoming something I feared and hated the most, an angry, bitter man. In my case, divorce was for my personal recovery.


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## bluerunner (Mar 22, 2013)

We tried to R (false R) for one year. It was a very difficult year. WH continued with the OW so we divorced.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

We're reconcil_ing_.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

I am the WH. I told my wife on "D Day" that I would honor any decision she made regarding D or R...She chose R so long as I am actively seeking counseling and help. She clearly sees more positive things in me than I do myself, but I am thankful she chose R. We have commited to each other to working through this and moving on toward a stronger relationship.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

drifting on said:


> I am a BS, my WW had a six month affair with her co-worker. I did not reconcile for my two boys as my opinion is staying in a marriage for kids does not end well. I stayed for my WW and my boys, my family is my world. I offered my WW reconciliation because she was doing whatever she could to save the marriage she had just destroyed. To be honest I did not think she was capable of R but she has proven me wrong. Honestly, I don't mind that she has proven me wrong. I am in IC and MC as a result of her affair and on medication for depression. My WW affair devastated and destroyed who I am, but with therapy I am doing better. When I chose to offer the gift of R to my WW I knew it would be difficult. As it turns out it is the most difficult thing I have done in my life.
> 
> Reconciliation is a process with no shortcuts, it is difficult but I have seen glimpses of what the result will be. We communicate like when we were dating, we tell all without any reservations. We have become vulnerable with each other, and with communication I can see how much stronger we are now. There is less bickering, less walking away when mad, instead we sit down and talk the problem all the way through. We have done self reflecting which is difficult for both involved, you work on your weaknesses and fine tune your strengths. You fully support each other during good days and bad to become united again.
> 
> ...


Wow, you my friend have my admiration and respect. I'll be rooting for you two. Stay the course.


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## frankman (Sep 23, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> We're reconcil_ing_.


Have not read your story and I read a bunch.

Have a link to your story? If not what is the one paragraph version. IE Who, when, how long, EA/PA and is she doing what she needs to.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

Dogbert said:


> I divorced. Terrible mind movies, day in and day out. Her presence was THE number one trigger. And I was becoming something I feared and hated the most, an angry, bitter man. In my case, divorce was for my personal recovery.


Im with you dog...When pics of my wife and OM/Boss were shown to me....doing things we Never did and she refused to do...IT Was over that second...

I did my best to destroy everything and everyone remotely associated with my WWs affair....When I finished the OM ,His life, my WW and MY life as well looked like Fallujah on its worst day....

Then i filed for D and went my own way...never triggered and never glanced back....

Anger and Pain are great motivators...But there you will find no peace..Had to let it Go...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

frankman said:


> Have not read your story and I read a bunch.
> 
> Have a link to your story? If not what is the one paragraph version. IE Who, when, how long, EA/PA and is she doing what she needs to.


He doesn't have a specific thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

frankman said:


> Have not read your story and I read a bunch.
> 
> Have a link to your story? If not what is the one paragraph version. IE Who, when, how long, EA/PA and is she doing what she needs to.


D-Day #1 was 6/12/12. She was less than a week into an EA w/ a POS on the other side of the Atlantic. I immediately curbstomped it.

I felt some anger, but it was mostly pain -- pure, unadulterated, unfiltered, and unrelenting pain.

D-Day #2 was 6/21/12. In digging through her FB account (which I'd never really done prior to any of this), I found a different, older EA w/ a different guy that had gone on over the course of about a year or so. It was very off and on and not really emotional at all... no ILY's or anything like that. Mostly just sexting and pic swapping.

My reaction upon finding the second (which was actually, chronologically speaking, the first) EA was more anger and rage than pain and anguish, though there would be plenty of that to come in the days and weeks ahead.

I left the house for a few days after D-Day #2, at which point the remorse came out in full force, and she's since done everything that I've asked in order to help me to recover.

Having said that, I'll admit to some frustration at having to occasionally light the path and show her the way, so to speak.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

frankman said:


> Not faulting those who stay. It just goes to who I am. I don't share my woman. I am monogamous by nature and EXPECT the same.


i know this feeling, it hit a nerve!....I am not into sharing my SO either yet I decided to R, I can fully see your point and how that alone is reason enough to end it, absolutely...
this was difficult for me to cope with and accept, still is sort of, just doesnt sting as it used to.....I've told her how i feel about this and that my decision to R was a very close one to D....


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Attempted to reconcile after wife's repeated EAs...but it was basically a false R on her part. Now we are divorcing


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Attempted to R. Was in false R for 2 years of hell. There was much more going on than I knew, and it just got worse and worse. 

Even though it hurt, I am glad I tried to R. Those 2 years of hell I endured put to rest any lingering doubts and I was sure D was the right option for me.

The truth eventually comes out. Maybe not when you want it, but pay attention, trust your gut. What you feel in the pit of your stomach is the truth. The brain rationalizes, the heart hopes, but the gut knows.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

I divorced, then after a couple of years attempted reconciliation. I am glad I did , both. However, knowing what I know now, I would seriously advise against R. It is healthier for both parties to work on their individual issues and improve themselves, than to try to patch together a damaged marriage.


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## DoveEnigma13 (Oct 31, 2013)

unsureone said:


> Still making some decisions, but as I read all the posts, it makes me wonder.
> 
> How many have divorced? Reconciled?
> 
> It seems reconciliation is not common.


I tried reconciliation. It was a completely failed one though, she continued to rug sweep, gas light, and see the OM. So happily divorced now.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

unsureone said:


> Still making some decisions, but as I read all the posts, it makes me wonder.
> 
> How many have divorced? Reconciled?
> 
> It seems reconciliation is not common.


I believe a lot more people were open to reconciliation at some point than it seems. I mean what sounds better? She cheated but I would have taken her back or she cheated and kicked her ass to the curb? It almost feels like wrong to admit that we would have considered R when we're talking about an ex. Likely someone we don't like anymore.

So my ex cheated and I gave her an ultimatum to change jobs (NC) if she wanted us to try. She repeatedly said she would and that she was looking for another job but she wasn't really looking. She was just stalling so I did indeed divorce her. It's always a no-brainer when the WS is not showing remorse to doing the heavy lifting. My opinion though is that there are a lot of BSs who would have tried reconciliation if there WS had redeemable qualities and was actually trying rather than blaming the BS.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

I reconciled, so far 2 years. 

But here's the deal: either way it sucks! That's why it's such a hard decision, there is no good choice! The question is which choice is *less* painful. For reasons too numerous to list right now, I choose reconciliation. 

Sometimes I still wonder if I made the right decision, but all in all I'm glad I decided to stay. It still kills me though that I had to be in this situation in the first place.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

MountainRunner said:


> Wow, you my friend have my admiration and respect. I'll be rooting for you two. Stay the course.



MountainRunner

I thank you for the kind words. Reconciliation is hard work but I believe it will be worth it. Some parts of my WW affair are brutal, some to the point i considered suicide. I am better with the help of therapy and my WW watching me when I wasn't safe. 

I have read your wife has offered the gift of R to you, a decision I know is not easy to make. My advice to you is simple, don't squander this chance she is taking on you. Get help if you need it and stay with it even when you feel you don't need help anymore. Honor your wife for this gift, her love for you is strong, lean on that love and be vulnerable. I wish you well and success in your marriage.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Mine was a bad marriage. My husband checked-out early on so I was already in a lonely loveless marriage. I was staying for the kids and money and to finish my degree. 

Found out about affairs that had been going on for several years and the whole horrible marriage made sense. 

DIVORCED!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I stayed and she reconciled!

After both being a punch of shytty spouses to each other we made the changes as individuals and now we both reap the rewards of hanging out with a pretty cool person.

In a way, me and the old lady reconciled with our selves as individuals and all the crap we did.

Resentment will really phuck up a marriage!


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

The first D-Day I divorced her as soon as the mandatory time elapsed to allow Divorce. She never left the house and we tried to R. The 2rd D-Day, almost a year later, I threw her out of the house and exposed to the children. She came crawling back that night begging me to let her back into the house. I let her back into the house and she was remorseful and after several months wanted to get married again. I made her prove herself for 4 years. She proved herself for 4 years and I married her again.


I would have made it without her but after over 20 years of R, I am convinced that it is much better for me and my family that we did the R. I have a good life, am contented, and am very close to my whole family. The first few years of R were the toughest for me.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Mr Blunt said:


> The first D-Day I divorced her as soon as the mandatory time elapsed to allow Divorce. She never left the house and we tried to R. The 2rd D-Day, almost a year later, I threw her out of the house and exposed to the children. She came crawling back that night begging me to let her back into the house. I let her back into the house and she was remorseful and after several months wanted to get married again. I made her prove herself for 4 years. She proved herself for 4 years and I married her again.
> 
> 
> I would have made it without her but after over 20 years of R, I am convinced that it is much better for me and my family that we did the R. I have a good life, am contented, and am very close to my whole family. The first few years of R were the toughest for me.


Just curious... did D-Day #2 involve the discovery of a 2nd affair?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Mr Blunt said:


> The first few years of R were the toughest for me.


No kidding....
Mr Blunt,
Those 1st few yrs of R are the toughest for all of us that keep our old ladies around!


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Like a sucker, I tried to R with WW even though she was not sorry or empathetic or even trying to talk about it.
Like a sucker I organised counselling.
She attended and dragged me through false R for a couple months.
Eventually I woke up and ended it.


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## unsureone (Feb 4, 2015)

Broken at 20 said:


> Shouldn't the title be "Did you leave or reconcile?"
> Because staying would imply you're reconciling...
> Just saying.....
> 
> ...


Yeah, my title was a typo.


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## unsureone (Feb 4, 2015)

Dogbert said:


> I divorced. Terrible mind movies, day in and day out. Her presence was THE number one trigger. And I was becoming something I feared and hated the most, an angry, bitter man. In my case, divorce was for my personal recovery.


Did your anger and bitterness go away after divorce?


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## unsureone (Feb 4, 2015)

drifting on said:


> I am a BS, my WW had a six month affair with her co-worker. I did not reconcile for my two boys as my opinion is staying in a marriage for kids does not end well. I stayed for my WW and my boys, my family is my world. I offered my WW reconciliation because she was doing whatever she could to save the marriage she had just destroyed. To be honest I did not think she was capable of R but she has proven me wrong. Honestly, I don't mind that she has proven me wrong. I am in IC and MC as a result of her affair and on medication for depression. My WW affair devastated and destroyed who I am, but with therapy I am doing better. When I chose to offer the gift of R to my WW I knew it would be difficult. As it turns out it is the most difficult thing I have done in my life.
> 
> Reconciliation is a process with no shortcuts, it is difficult but I have seen glimpses of what the result will be. We communicate like when we were dating, we tell all without any reservations. We have become vulnerable with each other, and with communication I can see how much stronger we are now. There is less bickering, less walking away when mad, instead we sit down and talk the problem all the way through. We have done self reflecting which is difficult for both involved, you work on your weaknesses and fine tune your strengths. You fully support each other during good days and bad to become united again.
> 
> ...


I am so glad it is working for you, and the advice, thank you.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

CantBelieveThis said:


> I stayed and in R....I made sure I did it for two reasons only, I still love her very much and she is truly and deeply remorseful. Drifting on nailed it on his reply thou, couldn't have said it better!!!



Thank you for the kind words.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

unsureone said:


> I am so glad it is working for you, and the advice, thank you.




unsureone

The first six months really could have gone either way for me. I had read so many threads here that advised to wait before making the commitment to divorce or reconcile. At the six month mark I hit full blind rage, this made reconciling very difficult. Also made it very difficult to display love towards my WW. In MC I was very angry at my choices that I had no control over, that I was forced to decide to divorce or reconcile. But that is the starting point, and having those to decide from is horrible. Each of us is different to what we can accept or not accept. Neither choice is easy at the same time. I looked at what my life would be in each case and reconciliation won out.

I am fortunate(?) that my WW has been near perfect with all she has to do. She is committed fully as am I, but as stated in other posts the WS has to want to reconcile as does the BS. It's not just sorry for what I did its about changing yourself, realizing your destructive behavior, wanting to correct that behavior. It's about giving yourself completely to your spouse, being vulnerable, being the best you can be, and having love. I believe during my WW affair she deep down loved me but wasn't in love with me. She is broken but can also be saved, she is working hard on her issues to be the best she can be. That's all she can do, be the best she can be. The same goes for me, and I will be the best I can be. Neither if us will be perfect but we can both improve ourselves and work on the marriage.

I'm no saint and I'm not perfect, I'm broken in many ways but I can be saved also. You need to admit that you are no better than anyone else, but you are the best you. You can only control yourself, you have to give up trying to control others. Some of my rage was because I had no control, it frustrates me now I can't or couldn't control what happened. It was part of what I had to accept. Reconciliation is very hard, divorce is hard, but what is best for you? What is best for your children? Staying married can also be harmful to the children which is why I didn't stay for them, I stayed for me, it was my best option. 

I have good days and bad, but this is still my best choice. I struggle in reconciliation every day but I've noticed it's easier now than a year ago. So I call that improvement and work to continue to improve. I would imagine I would have good days and bad had I chosen divorce. I'm sure I would struggle with divorce and having children we will be in contact regardless. Nothing, and I mean nothing is easy with either option you have nor is anything easy with infidelity. It's horrible for all of us, and we all wish we weren't here.

I wish you the best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

By Gus
Just curious... did D-Day #2 involve the discovery of a 2nd affair? 

D-Day 1 was when she told me that she had emotional feeling for the OM. I divorced her, she tried to get him out of her life but never left the home. D-Day-2 was when she told me that she was going to move in with the same OM. She came crawling back the same night.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

R ain't for sissies, that's for sure. D-day was 6/2/12 and for the first six months I wasn't sure what was going to happen, there was so much anger and pain. When FWH stepped out of that fog, it was like the clean air hurt him. I never imagined we would actually make it. I researched everything. Statistics. Books. We rarely talk about what happened anymore, but it changed him in ways I never thought possible. He hates what he did. He hates what he did to himself. He hates what he did to us. 
I will be the first person to say that no woman has ever loved him the way I do, except me, BEFORE the POSOW. But in other ways I love him more for what he has become, and the way he loves me now. Other people tell me how highly he speaks of me to them (our insurance agent told me just last week FWH says I saved his life and am the strongest person he's ever known).
Do I still trigger? Yes. There are words I have deleted from my vocabulary (her name is a very common word), and places that I avoid, tv programs I can't watch.
My mother told me that he got all choked up watching Steve Harvey the other day (was valentine week), when someone asked Mr Harvey to write in a book what love meant to him and he wrote: Love is the thought of losing her, then realizing you can't breathe. I was at work that day and he sent me a text telling me that, although at the time I didn't realize where it had come from.
Choosing to R is difficult. However, I do also realize that if I had given up in those first few months after D-day, that I would not have the relationship that I have now. My H is open, honest, completely transparent, and affectionate. We have discussed the possibility of seeing his AP in town somewhere and what might happen. He said, "You hold your head up high if that day comes, I won't let you down."


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Stayed... Not reconciled or reconciling.


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

Divorced. Never offered R and gave her no quarter. There was nothing in my M with my xWW that I could look back on that would have made it a worthwhile choice. Except for my daughter, but even I believed divorcing was best for her too. And I believe I was right, she is very well adjusted.

Divorce was the best decision I ever made.


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## Welsh15 (Feb 24, 2014)

drifting on said:


> I am a BS, my WW had a six month affair with her co-worker. I did not reconcile for my two boys as my opinion is staying in a marriage for kids does not end well. I stayed for my WW and my boys, my family is my world. I offered my WW reconciliation because she was doing whatever she could to save the marriage she had just destroyed. To be honest I did not think she was capable of R but she has proven me wrong. Honestly, I don't mind that she has proven me wrong. I am in IC and MC as a result of her affair and on medication for depression. My WW affair devastated and destroyed who I am, but with therapy I am doing better. When I chose to offer the gift of R to my WW I knew it would be difficult. As it turns out it is the most difficult thing I have done in my life.
> 
> Reconciliation is a process with no shortcuts, it is difficult but I have seen glimpses of what the result will be. We communicate like when we were dating, we tell all without any reservations. We have become vulnerable with each other, and with communication I can see how much stronger we are now. There is less bickering, less walking away when mad, instead we sit down and talk the problem all the way through. We have done self reflecting which is difficult for both involved, you work on your weaknesses and fine tune your strengths. You fully support each other during good days and bad to become united again.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Drifting On, your response so captures my life since August 2013 when I learned of my WWs 3-year affair - 2yr EA, 1-yr PA. Reconciliation was and continues to be one of the hardest things I have ever done and would have been impossible without my WW showing complete remorse and a strong willingness to work on herself and improving our marriage right from the beginning. We are so much better at communication and respect for each other today.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

I went through hell and on some days still do. I am in the unenviable position of still living under the same roof as my ex WS. She did not lift a finger to R - she could not would not.

I will always be grateful to my friends here on TAM who I discovered by accident when I hit the net back in April 2013 - looking for something, anything to ease the pain.

Despite all of her words, particularly in the first weeks after DDay, she has done zip. She just can't. No R, no sex, nothing (besides a few days of hysterical bonding and the odd fake roll in the hay in those first 12 months)

The mad thing is that for a long while she thought we were sweet. Even now I reckon she still thinks we are a couple despite the fact that I have nothing to do with her besides parenting.

You ask why I stay but I have had to make that decision because of my children and our precarious finances. The idea of adding another $200 a week to this just to live in a room down the road is out of the question.

The good news is that I am much fitter and have finally been working full time for the last six months or so. 

The most important benefit has been my self knowledge which has come from TAM, a mountain of reading and counselling. It is hard to believe what state I had fallen into with the depth of my depression. I was seriously f**ked up and to some degree I get why she turned off me. I was not a pretty picture. Even to this very day I struggle with depression and have to accept that it will be with me until I turn to dust.

I got off the anti-depression pills just as I started the full time work. That was a mega battle as my body and mind flipped out for a few weeks. But I'm glad to be off them. Though if necessary, I would go back on them if things became unbearable - which at times they threaten to.

It is sad what happened to us. But she chose to cheat. She has never been able to admit that what we had died.

If she had shown genuine remorse and actively sought Recon with me instead of sitting back drinking every night then it might have been possible. But no, she is too blocked. She has demons she will not deal with and a hide so thick you can forget about getting through it. 

I'm doing it for me and my children. Not easy but at least I know why I get up at 5.30 am each day.


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## unsureone (Feb 4, 2015)

Horizon said:


> I went through hell and on some days still do. I am in the unenviable position of still living under the same roof as my ex WS. She did not lift a finger to R - she could not would not.
> 
> I will always be grateful to my friends here on TAM who I discovered by accident when I hit the net back in April 2013 - looking for something, anything to ease the pain.
> 
> ...


How long since D day if you dont mind me asking?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Welsh15 said:


> :iagree: Drifting On, your response so captures my life since August 2013 when I learned of my WWs 3-year affair - 2yr EA, 1-yr PA. Reconciliation was and continues to be one of the hardest things I have ever done and would have been impossible without my WW showing complete remorse and a strong willingness to work on herself and improving our marriage right from the beginning. We are so much better at communication and respect for each other today.



Welsh15

I am sorry you have gone through the same as I have. In my opinion nobody should have to go through this. I wish that nobody had to feel the pain. Last night i sat back and took a good look at my life. I will be forever disappointed that my WW had an affair that could have been prevented by simple communication. 

All she had to do was tell me she felt the marriage was over. Tell me I didn't meet her emotional needs, but to have an affair? To accept the advances of a guy who had no intention of being there for her. To allow another person into our marriage because I didn't hold her hand or put my arm around her enough. This was so difficult for me to accept, to get past. 

My WW dealt some devastating blows to me that I'm surprised I did make it this far. Intimacy. Something so important to me, I waited until I met her. She is my first and only. I could never just give a part of myself away. I had to know this was going to be my wife. We would make love and stare into each other's eyes knowing exactly what the other meant. No words were needed as we knew each other so well. 

I never wanted to rush but only wanted to please her the way she pleased me. That is gone now, but we will try to get that back. A tear runs down my face as I think she gave herself away to a guy twenty three years her senior. That she gave herself to him because he held her hand and gave her a compliment. All for communication and affection. 

I wanted to die and almost jumped into the path of a train to escape my pain, my humiliation, and my shame. I sat at my kitchen table with antifreeze more times then I care to remember. I sat at my kitchen table with my weapon but I was too weak. I couldn't take the action required to end my life. My pain was excruciating, most times unbearable.

My WW has had a front row seat to my depression, my devastation, and my destruction. She is filled with pain also as she has witnessed my love for her. Her remorse is through the roof at the destruction she has caused. Her guilt, her shame and her humiliation has taken a toll on her as well. I guess that is why they say misery loves company.

There are no guarantees we will make it, no guarantees she won't cheat again, no guarantees if I divorce the next lady won't cheat. I take the leap of faith with my wife and pour my heart and soul into reconciliation. I love my wife, my wife loves me, and together we are fixing ourselves for ourselves. We are now at a place we can effectively work on the marriage. I am vulnerable to her and her with me. We communicate much better and share everything, nothing is left out. 

Our love for each other is strong and both of us have had to lean on that love to get where we are today. We will lean on our love today to make it through tomorrow. She made a horrendous choice that nearly ruined her, our marriage, and myself, but I'm determined more then ever to make it. The best part is my wife is also.

Welsh15 I wish you peace and happiness, brother, best of luck to you.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Stuck... cant do it with him, & cant do it with out him.

~sammy


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

sammy3 said:


> Stuck... cant do it with him, & cant do it with out him.
> 
> ~sammy



I remember that feeling all too well. Can't go forward or backward, you sit in limbo which is complete torture. After a while I found that I could continue to torture myself or begin pushing forward. I had to drop the anger and stop dwelling on what had been done to me. It was either light the fuse or move on. Slowly I'm getting to a better place, one that I can accept. I won't ever forget what has been done to me, but as a person I decided I neede to live also. Being in limbo isn't living, it's barely surviving. Best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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