# Frustration grows.



## Drayvius (Nov 30, 2010)

Ok. So I came on here a while back and I shared my frustrations about my wifes reservations when it comes to sex. She seems completely against trying ANYthing new. (filming, anal, roleplaying) and so I talk to her, to what seems like a resolution of "waiting". However as I step back I start to notice things that are bothering me more and more as time goes. I can't get her to have sex any time or any place OTHER then in out bed right before we go to sleep. Ive tried getting her to take a shower with me. Thinking it could be really sensual foreplay, ultimatly ending up in the bed room anyways...but she refuses. I try to get her interested in the mornings on our days off...and nothing. I try to remain cool and calm, but its like she sees sex as this..... 1 thing...and I see it as having sooo many possiblities. I see so many ideas and things that could maybe be done. In the 3 years we have been together we have done something OTHER then in the bedroom before sleep...maybe 3-4 times. Thats it. No matter my talks, no matter what I want or how I try to talk to her. This is it. I also find myself looking at porn.....something kinda feels like its a replacement for the lack of different things in our sex life. She doesnt want me to look of course. 

I find myself in a bad position. I have talked to her before, and I have explained to her, that I am no different then other men and that the visual part of sex is very important to me, yet she still turns the lights off before even beginning to undress. So basically, I have sex with the lights off before bed and nothing else. I find that porn is somewhat of a release, but I really dont want to cause damage to the relationship, but I feel that her resistance to everything IS causing damage. Not right now...because I have thick skin and can deal with it. However, I wonder how long I can put up with this. As it seems that its just keeps getting worse.

I dont know, I am not sure that there is any advice that can be given, I guess I am just more venting frustrations. Thanks for reading all of this and any words are appreciated.

Dray


----------



## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

My first thought is that maybe she is struggling with her own self esteem. The shower and lights on would make it hard for her to relax if that's the case. And it can bleed into other areas of sex (and sometimes make a person just want to "get it over with" as quickly as possible). Could this be the case?


----------



## Drayvius (Nov 30, 2010)

I do know she is unfomfortable with her image. I can't seem to help her there. She doesnt have the feelings of "lets get it over with" as far as I have exp she IS into sex, she loves giving oral. She loves intercourse, and I am able to make her cum through intercourse. On our anniversary she did do some pictures (non-nudes) and did an oral video. 

Now see....my thinking was....that if she new that I enjoyed looking at these, that she in turn would want to do more. Which would lead to her being more comfortable. This backfired thou as she seemed to feel almost bad for doing them. So, I deleted them at her request.

I am unsure of how to help her. I tell her she is beautiful and sexy all the time. I am always looking at her. I even steel peeks down her shirt when I know she is in the mood  

I know it has only been 3 years, and for some people( most people?) that is nothing as some people have been in really longer relationships. I am not completely "unhappy" we have enough sex I feel, its just that sometimes my mind races and I think of all these things that we could do that could be fun, not just for me, but for both of us...only to be turned down. So I try to think of less extreme things, only to be turned down on that too. I mean, its frustrating to be turned down because of the time of day >.> which is starting to build almost to a kind of resentment.


----------



## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Drayvius said:


> I do know she is unfomfortable with her image. I can't seem to help her there. She doesnt have the feelings of "lets get it over with" as far as I have exp she IS into sex, she loves giving oral. She loves intercourse, and I am able to make her cum through intercourse. On our anniversary she did do some pictures (non-nudes) and did an oral video.
> 
> Now see....my thinking was....that if she new that I enjoyed looking at these, that she in turn would want to do more. Which would lead to her being more comfortable. This backfired thou as she seemed to feel almost bad for doing them. So, I deleted them at her request.
> 
> ...


Yeah... getting a woman to feel she is pretty. Tricky job. My best advice would be show, not tell. Sure, I can say you have beautiful blue eyes, but showing could be better. For example, stare at her eyes, somewhat amazed, till she asks, what?
Then say: "Your eyes are beautiful!"
Or if she has nice hair, go through it, rub in it and as how she gets to get her hair that nice. How stuff and time does she not have to spend in there to get it looking so great. She will probably reply with not much. Then just be amazed and say that wow, not many, if any have hair as beautiful as hers, and she doesn't even need to work on it.

This should let her draw her own conclusion: Wow, he really thinks I'm beautiful


----------



## tattoomommy (Aug 14, 2009)

Draguna said:


> Yeah... getting a woman to feel she is pretty. Tricky job. My best advice would be show, not tell. Sure, I can say you have beautiful blue eyes, but showing could be better. For example, stare at her eyes, somewhat amazed, till she asks, what?
> Then say: "Your eyes are beautiful!"
> Or if she has nice hair, go through it, rub in it and as how she gets to get her hair that nice. How stuff and time does she not have to spend in there to get it looking so great. She will probably reply with not much. Then just be amazed and say that wow, not many, if any have hair as beautiful as hers, and she doesn't even need to work on it.
> 
> This should let her draw her own conclusion: Wow, he really thinks I'm beautiful


Man after my own heart here  My husband says, "you look pretty" everyday but I've started to think it's just a habit lol. If he ever said anything about ANY of my features in utter amazement, that would FLOOR ME. Wow.


----------



## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

tattoomommy said:


> Man after my own heart here  My husband says, "you look pretty" everyday but I've started to think it's just a habit lol. If he ever said anything about ANY of my features in utter amazement, that would FLOOR ME. Wow.


Heh, well, just something I noticed one day, but did unconciously. As my girl still amazes me with her beauty, it still happens every once in a while that I'm dumbstruck by her.

But the moment I noticed it happening, was at the store I worked. There was one girl who had nice hair as well, so I asked her if that was her real hair. She said nope, dyed. I answerd with: "I know you dye it, I just wondered if you have extensions etc". She said no again. Well, that blew me away as she really had amazing hair. So I replied with: *whistle* "You have amazing hair then" :O Well, that made her day.

Ofcourse, nothing sexual, I just like complimenting people. Shame most think you want something from them, so save it now only for people I know.


----------



## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

Your wife is self-conscious. So is mine and she only does it before sleep with the lights off, on her back, and rarely moves. I am tired of doing it in the dark. She use to be different prior marriage and I thought she had much potential but once she caught me, it didn't matter.

My wife has no reason to be self-conscious. I have complimented her with negative responses. After many of these responses I have all but given up. Yes, she has some minor imperfections but don't we all. But its those imperfections she is hung up on. I haven't been with many women but others I've been with had more imperfections than her and had ZERO issues.

I suggest not giving in to what she wants. I am working this angle now. If you constantly submit to her way, she will always get it and you won't get yours.


----------



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I too thought it may be the thing about feeling conscious about herself in some way?

What does strike me from reading a lot about guys and how they respond to their wives feeling self-conscious about their bodies is that they seem to be gobsmacked that they can tell their wife she is pretty/hot/gorgeous/etc and can't understand why just them saying that doesn't automatically change her mind... If only it were that simple!

To me it's that huge Martian thing of wanting to "fix" her by way of words. She doesn't feel good about herself, tell her she looks great or sexy and bam, that should do the trick - and it doesn't - it doesn't seem to compute with so many guys.

Self-esteem comes from the self and it needs the self to change that balance. Have you spoken to your wife OP to see if it is the case that she is self-conscious about something?


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

D your heart felt expression of love and wonder of your wife is so precious. I wish she could read this, maybe you tell her that but, to see it written so sincerely would have quite an impact. 

May I share with you some of my experience as an inhibited good girl when I first got married. I have done things that my husband desires that I refused at first. It took many months and for some things years. But over time i tried more and more but it was because he goes the extra mile for me. Don't be discouraged, if you are patient and focus on what you have you will ard with sucess. Try not to push, get angry, impatient or be too anxious about "getting" the sex you want but having a mutually satisfying sexual relationship..



If you are honest, you are the one who is dissatisfied with what you have not her. You want more, but, what is the incentive for her to try anything new? If she does, it will be for you. I may be wrong but, not many women who feel inhibited about their body want to be filmed, that is something for your pleasure. Anal sex can be painful and difficult to accomplish - she may wonder why you can not be happy with having your orgasms in areas where the possibility of pain is remote. Would be willing to let her use a dildo about the size of your p***s in your but every time you do her ? There are risk for her just get yet another way for orgasm. It funny, i asked my husband about the dildo thing he said quite honestly "thats not me baby, i'll never do it". I do anal sex when I am in the mood anyway. )

Again, a woman who is shy about her body will get no pleasure out of dress up but you will. Maybe she will do it just for you but it will cost her to overcome her inhibitions and shyness about her body and risk pain and discomfort. Are you asking too much, does she need to do so much to make you happy over and above what she already does? These things that you want are focused on your pleasure. Have you worked on sex to do what it takes to bring her pleasure. There has to be a balance of pleasure for her. Do you do things for her that make it feel that you are invested in providing for her needs and go the extra mile?. if you think that this is for her enjoyment and you get impatient and insistent then it send the wrong message. She may get pleasure out of these thong but the operative word is may. So please think anout these things in an honest way . Try not to seem entitled to her going the extra mile if you can not do the same for for or if you are acting as if you are entitled. 

Be careful not to lose the bird in your hand reaching for the one in the bush. You are having sex frequently but she is inhibited. The first thing you need to do is consolidate what you have by letting her know that you are happy with her and enjoy the sex you have. Try not to ask for everyhing all at one time and too frequently you may be taking too many withdrawals from her bank. 0
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Hurra said:


> Your wife is self-conscious. So is mine and she only does it before sleep with the lights off, on her back, and rarely moves. I am tired of doing it in the dark. She use to be different prior marriage and I thought she had much potential but once she caught me, it didn't matter.
> 
> My wife has no reason to be self-conscious. I have complimented her with negative responses. After many of these responses I have all but given up. Yes, she has some minor imperfections but don't we all. But its those imperfections she is hung up on. I haven't been with many women but others I've been with had more imperfections than her and had ZERO issues.
> 
> I suggest not giving in to what she wants. I am working this angle now. If you constantly submit to her way, she will always get it and you won't get yours.


Very bad advice, she may very well stop having sex with you altogether. It is bad to make sex a battleground it takes it from an expression of love, emotional connection and intimacy and makes it a transaction. Dont get angry it so counter productive and will make her eve more resistent. You can't force her but you can cooax her out of her shell by understanding and a commitment for loving sex.. Do you get anything at all out of sex with your wife? Is it always satisfying for her or has the quality dropped off as you have become angry and disatisfied. Prior to the present situation with sex, were you skilled as a lover?

That is a question that many men feel affronted by but men have an easy time to orgasm many women do not. The light on is for you pleasure, she is shy about her body and may find it easier to orgasm if she does not have to worry about the light on. So having the light on means she has to endure the discomfort of showing her body and not being able to concentrate enough to orgasm. Why not make a deal, make some sessions all about you and some all about her interspersed with regular sex. 


I have never understood what the statement "I do all of the work" means. What work do you want her to do? The first thing I would ask is - why she is not more enthusiastic about sex - is it something you are not doing. Is sex so awesome that she is inspired to move. Usually movement is involuntary if it is good. It may seem unfair that you have to "work" but it is easier for you to have orgasms it is more difficult for most women. That means that men have to adjust their thecnique to slow down warm her up and help her orgasm as consistently as you do. 

Having to adapt to make it good for that woman is an act of love, if you cum with 5 min of trusting like a teen then you can not have sustained sex with a woman. Not saying this is you but I'll bet giving the stats this a problem for many men that is not considered. It does take more "work" for the man to mature from his focusing on his pleasure and to take care of her too but that the price a man pays to keep a woman. 

Anyway, anger and a sense of entitlement will kill off any desire you wife has for you. She may go thru the motions but she is not enthusiastic because she feels you think she owes you. You may not be counting up all of the things she does for you. Has she had your children, does she take care of the house, keep all appointments and school calendar so you don't need to worry about all the mundane things and you can concentrate on work. Does she take care of all the social engagents. 

You don't seem pleased with you wife, is it possible she is not pleased with you either. It's usually mutual and not one persons problem. 


.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Drayvius (Nov 30, 2010)

Thank you all for the comments. I am pretty sure that this is the end for me as far as trying. It has been a while since I talked about sex in this way with my wife. The last time I did, I made sure she knew that I was happy with our sex life, I just was interested in trying more. I told her to not mistake interest with boredom. I didnt focus on any one activity, so much as I was just trying to have an open talk with my wife. This led to her breaking down and crying and was terribly upset. So, as I thought, and tryed to come up with a way to approach the subject again. I decided to do so during sex. Thinking, that in a sexual state, all horney and turned on, that maybe her inhibitions would be down a bit. So I again asked her "what she would like to do." To which I got an answer of "nothing". *shrug* which ALSO led to a conversation AFTER sex where she again started crying and was all upset. Just claiming that she is not "that kind of person" 

Again I want to say that at this time, I am just trying to get something different then in the bed before sleep. I have tried to get her in the shower, or maybe even in the mornings when we wake up or in the middle of the day after work or something.

I try to calm myself, but the only thing that is more frustrating then not being able to do different things, is to not even be able to communicate to my wife about our sex life.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Drayvius said:


> Thank you all for the comments. I am pretty sure that this is the end for me as far as trying. It has been a while since I talked about sex in this way with my wife. The last time I did, I made sure she knew that I was happy with our sex life, I just was interested in trying more. I told her to not mistake interest with boredom. I didnt focus on any one activity, so much as I was just trying to have an open talk with my wife. This led to her breaking down and crying and was terribly upset. So, as I thought, and tryed to come up with a way to approach the subject again. I decided to do so during sex. Thinking, that in a sexual state, all horney and turned on, that maybe her inhibitions would be down a bit. So I again asked her "what she would like to do." To which I got an answer of "nothing". *shrug* which ALSO led to a conversation AFTER sex where she again started crying and was all upset. Just claiming that she is not "that kind of person"
> 
> Again I want to say that at this time, I am just trying to get something different then in the bed before sleep. I have tried to get her in the shower, or maybe even in the mornings when we wake up or in the middle of the day after work or something.
> 
> I try to calm myself, but the only thing that is more frustrating then not being able to do different things, is to not even be able to communicate to my wife about our sex life.


D what is her background? How many relationships did she have in the past? Where any of them bad in any way? How old is she? 

She cried what did you do? Did you hug and and ask her to tell you why she is crying? She cried twice and that's significant. Your frustration is palpable and it must be obvious to her. Your words mean nothing to her, she is responding to your actions. 

She is not that kind of girl, what does that mean to her? Did you ask her. D this will never get better if you are impatient. Also don't give up so easily. 

Think of it this way - If you married your wife because she is a nice girl, that's exactly what you have. Now you want her to do things that are just this side of extreme for a good girl. If she is modest you try to get her on film is like asking her to do porn. Can you see this from her point of view. The old adage "want a lady in the day and a w***e in bed" is unrealistic and its unfair to expect a woman who has reined in her sexual urges to be a lady. 

Thats why it is important to get to know her and get her to trust that your respect for her is always there. Calm down and enjoy what you have for the time being, be patient and get to know your wife and her inner world and let her get to know you. 

The fact that she cried is very significant and your reaction to her crying is significant to her too. If you acted frustrated or exasperated, or even haven forbid angry that may seem insensitive and like your only goal is what you want. Try to change your frame of reference it's not what you want but what you both want. 

If you insist upon having what you want no matter how your wife feels then she can do that same right. Rather you need to concentrate on what you both have and you make her a priority for just the person she is. After all, you made your choice to marry her for the qualities she possessed and she you. 

Is she asking you to change some major part of yourself that goes against all that you know and believe? That may be what you are asking her. In your fever for these sexual things, you may be forgetting you wife as a person. 

Seeing your focus on her and mutuality may get her to focus on you. Constant talk about it and pushing will not get you anywhere but calm patience will.


----------



## Drayvius (Nov 30, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> D what is her background? How many relationships did she have in the past? Where any of them bad in any way? How old is she?


She has had around 4 relationships before me(which is the same amount as I) As far as her background, her family life was more then somewhat unstable. I do know that at least at one time she was "somewhat" open to trying stuff, she did kiss another girl. Now, she decided that wasnt for her, but she was at least open enough at that time to give it a shot. Now she seems closed to anything. She is 23.



Catherine602 said:


> She cried what did you do? Did you hug and and ask her to tell you why she is crying? She cried twice and that's significant. Your frustration is palpable and it must be obvious to her. Your words mean nothing to her, she is responding to your actions.


This is a double answer. The first time I tried talking to her and she responded to me with crying, yes. I was very responsive to her and I hugged her and back peddled on my statement in an effort to get her to feel ok again. This time however I did act with frustration. NOT because of anything sexual, but because in this case I was simply trying to have an open communication with my wife and she shut down and stopped any form of communication. THAT is why I said I was done with trying to talk to her about it. It is 1 thing to be unadventerous or unwilling to do things, but if you can't even talk about it.... 



Catherine602 said:


> Think of it this way - If you married your wife because she is a nice girl, that's exactly what you have. Now you want her to do things that are just this side of extreme for a good girl. If she is modest you try to get her on film is like asking her to do porn. Can you see this from her point of view. The old adage "want a lady in the day and a w***e in bed" is unrealistic and its unfair to expect a woman who has reined in her sexual urges to be a lady.


I can somewhat understand this. However, when we first got together. My wife made comments about willingness to do anything to please me and make me happy. So. Once I felt somewhat comfortable with being with her enough to put myself out there on the line to talk to her and feel like I could really trust her to be cool about me shareing my desires like that...I did. To a response of what I have gotten. 



Catherine602 said:


> Is she asking you to change some major part of yourself that goes against all that you know and believe? That may be what you are asking her. In your fever for these sexual things, you may be forgetting you wife as a person.


Yes...acctually. I am not a very outgoing person. I work a hard manual labor job, so when I get off work I want to come hope and relax. On the weekends, I don't useually go out and do a lot. I like going to the movies and out to dinner. I am not a nature person, yes she keeps asking me to go hiking and go camping. The other night she wanted me to go to this multi-cultural play thing(which I did). Before that, she wanted me to go danceing. This was about 2 years or so ago but basically I HATE dancing. So, when she asked I told her that I didnt have a problem with her going with her friends but that I wasnt interested. She then proceeded to ask me about 6 more times, before crying because I wouldnt go. So I went, and was completely misserable. The other night we had a disscussion about my "unwillingness" to do the things that she wants to do such as hiking and camping. So I told her I would work on it. (this is when we went to that muli-cultural play) and I meant it. I will go hiking with her when it warms up. The point I am making here....is we are having similer problems simply on different ends of the spectrum. The main difference is that I AM trying to open up and do things she wants even though I dont want to, because I DO want her to be happy. 


In the end, she wants what she wants and I talk to her and try to work it out. However when we talk about what I want she clams up and shuts down and there is no communication.


----------



## MrsT (Feb 2, 2011)

Can I state the kinda obvious here? She's saying no. No to sex in the shower, no to having the lights on, no to trying new things. Listen to what she's saying and accept the No. 

My kids get into so much trouble for continually asking for something when I've repeatedly said no. Bet your wife is ready to pull her hair out, too.


----------



## Drayvius (Nov 30, 2010)

MrsT said:


> Can I state the kinda obvious here? She's saying no. No to sex in the shower, no to having the lights on, no to trying new things. Listen to what she's saying and accept the No.
> 
> My kids get into so much trouble for continually asking for something when I've repeatedly said no. Bet your wife is ready to pull her hair out, too.


sure. do the same then?? next time you want something from your husband(that you feel is important) just be fine dealing with him saying no and realizing that your feelings and desires simply dont matter

Also, just to add in there. I have heard and been told that If I love my wife that I would consider her feelings and needs.( which I do....mainly heard that from last marriage) However I guess it is to much to ask for the same. 

My main source of frustration is not 1 thing. Its that it seems to be all things.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

MrsT said:


> Can I state the kinda obvious here? She's saying no. No to sex in the shower, no to having the lights on, no to trying new things. Listen to what she's saying and accept the No.
> 
> My kids get into so much trouble for continually asking for something when I've repeatedly said no. Bet your wife is ready to pull her hair out, too.


I don't agree. I was the same way at age 22 when I got married. over time I changed. I became more comfortable with my husband and matured a bit. I was willing to try new things. But it did not happen all at once and my husband was not angry and impatient and frustrated. 

Drayvius 
I read on another thread that you view porn and your wife is not happy about that. In addition, you both seem not to share interest. Moreover, her love language seems to be quality time. 

Although your post was about your sexual frustration there is much more going on in your marriage that may be bigger than your sexual frustration. In fact I think that your focus on your frustration may be overshadowing your ability to look at the relationship as a whole. If every thing in the relationship boils down to her not wanting anal sex in your mind, then you have a problem. Her refusal to discuss your sexual request is part of a bigger problem. 

I don't know how long you have been together or if you are the same age, but it seem your are bored with the sex rather quickly. It seems you have not had time to settle in and get to know each and trust each other. 

The problem may stem from watching porn and not concentrating on your partner. If indeed porn is at the base of your desires, do you think it is fair to request that your wife fulfill porn fantasies? If giving porn up meant that you and your wife would be more satisfied in the sexual relationship, would you be willing? 

You said you are like every other man but that may not be true. Not many men want to film sex with their wives, many will take a no for an answer about anal sex as their partners right not to have their anus penetrated and many men would not take any pleasure in play-acting with a clearly uncomfortable partner. 

BTW, one predictor of long term marital success is shared interest. Couples have a tendency to drift apart if they don't have some overlapping interest. I don't think you should use her request for you to share her interest as quid pro quo for doing what you want sexually. 

You complain that you are frustrated at her lack of communication, - are you both able to communicate in areas other that your sexual frustrations? Do you cut her off when she wants to communicate on topics other then sex? 

Read books about marital relationships, "His Needs Her Need" and the "5 Love Languages", I think it will help. Also in my opinion, you should stop watching porn, it may be fueling your fantasies. If you read about the effect of porn on marital relationships, some expert recommend that the person with fantasies that the other partner does not want to do, concentration on each other and stopping the porn gives for a more satisfactory sex life.


----------



## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

You know, it's not often you hear someone defend the LDS's point of view, but you Catherine, well, you really open my eyes about that stuff. Just reading how you changed, as well as how you describe the dynamics and feelings of an LDS make me see the other side clearer. Thank you for that.


----------



## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

I am certainly not an expert here but I came from a very strict and old fashioned household. I do not like the lights on, I do not like to express anything in words to my hubby as to what I would like to do. When we first met, I would turn the water in the bathroom on so he couldn't hear me pee. One day he just walked in and it embarrassed me to the bone.

What is your wife's background? Sometimes this can explain her behavior in the bedroom. My mother NEVER discussed sex, girly things and took pleasure out of embarrassing me at every new stage of growing into womanhood. It has really caused me to clam up when it comes to sexuality.

I imagine talking about this to her, kinda embarases her and hurts her feelings, even if you reassure her that sex is great. If it was soo great, why would you bring it up,right? Don't expect her to come up with things she would like to do right off the bat, it puts her on the spot and she is uncomfortable.

Try making a pallet say in your living room and "invite" her to a picnic. Have a basket with food and wine. Seduce her slowly. Tell her what YOU want to do. You can even use the food,for example,whipped cream and strawberries, to your advantage. Tell her you want to experiment and blind fold her. light a few candles so there is a romantic glow but nothing really bright to where she feels uncomfortable.

As far as the shower thing goes, don't harp on it. Just gently go turn the water on, light a small candle just enough to see and don't try to make it all about sex. Wash her hair, her back and let her wash you.As she gets comfy with this, she will eventually allow the light on, more sexual prowess. Encourage her to try something on you. Don't push. Just say tonight when I get home, I would like to know one thing you really like to do to me when we have sex. If she asks why,tell her that you find her so much more attractive than watching porn and you would like to fantasize her doing that to you. 

I hope this helps, some women, just have a shell and it has to be chipped away slowly.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Draguna said:


> You know, it's not often you hear someone defend the LDS's point of view, but you Catherine, well, you really open my eyes about that stuff. Just reading how you changed, as well as how you describe the dynamics and feelings of an LDS make me see the other side clearer. Thank you for that.


I am not really low desire like the every month type of person I am lower than my husband. He has desire to have sex 4 - 5 times a week me, 2 times. So we have sex 3 - 4 times a week sometimes more. 

I don't feel in any way unhappy with the fact that I don't feel desire right off the bat. I do get aroused through because he knows how to do that and then I feel desire to have sex and I do enjoy it. 

I think that's how most LD woman are, we don't have desire but that does not mean we can't get it, we have to coax it to life. That's where many woman go wrong they don't work with their partner to help him know what to do to get them aroused. All you need is understanding of how the man feels and love but mostly understanding. 

BTW, I do have anal sex with my husband and out door sex and sometimes in a bathroom of a club. That's very adventurous for me and fun because I trust my husband an feel safe. 

But 10 years ago, I started out as a repressed Catholic girl. So be patient gain her trust and be masterful with her in all ways. Read MEM's post he has it spot on. You can have a relationship like that if you are willing to be patient and let it build. You will not regret it!!


----------



## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> But 10 years ago, I started out as a repressed Catholic girl. So be patient gain her trust and be masterful with her in all ways. Read MEM's post he has it spot on. You can have a relationship like that if you are willing to be patient and let it build. You will not regret it!!


Wait, I don't mean to say that I have troubles with my wife. Most of the time 4-5 times a week, if not more. Just wanted to say that reading your posts make me understand the female's perspective better.

Yah, might sound strange, but it is in my nature to find out the cause behind everything, and as such, also for a spouse with lower (not neccessarily low) sex drive. Reading your stories and how you actually handle the situation is beautiful. That is all


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Draguna said:


> Wait, I don't mean to say that I have troubles with my wife. Most of the time 4-5 times a week, if not more. Just wanted to say that reading your posts make me understand the female's perspective better.
> 
> Yah, might sound strange, but it is in my nature to find out the cause behind everything, and as such, also for a spouse with lower (not neccessarily low) sex drive. Reading your stories and how you actually handle the situation is beautiful. That is all


That is grreat, I really don't think you will have problem with frustration always. The desire gap between my husband and I was wider when we first got married but around the age of 26, it narrowed because mine shot up to it's present level. The made me more open to adventures. Since your wife's desire is at a high level now it will probably increase as she gets older up until her late 20 or early 30. She she may want to increase her sexual adventures during this time. The very best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

MrsT said:


> Can I state the kinda obvious here? She's saying no. No to sex in the shower, no to having the lights on, no to trying new things. Listen to what she's saying and accept the No.
> 
> My kids get into so much trouble for continually asking for something when I've repeatedly said no. Bet your wife is ready to pull her hair out, too.


No, don't accept the "no".

I'm not saying do things without her consent -- that would be wrong. But if you've had vanilla like clockwork for years, and you want some other flavor, then you'd better make your position well known and undeniable.

Looking at your situation, it's perfectly reasonable for you to want to sexually experiment. The fact is, you aren't really happy with your sex life, you just don't want to hurt her feelings. And when you try to discuss your feelings, she pulls the emotional blackmail switch with tears and fighting.

You need to be firm and consistent. She needs to know that there are areas where you expected your marriage to progress in a healthy manner, and now you're seeing they aren't, and that's a problem. It could even, ultimately, turn into a problem that leads to infidelity or otherwise end the marriage. She needs to be made acutely aware of this fact and then make the determination about just how wedded to her insecurities she is.

But don't give up. Because if you do, it's never, ever going to get any better.


----------



## Drayvius (Nov 30, 2010)

IanIronwood said:


> Looking at your situation, it's perfectly reasonable for you to want to sexually experiment. The fact is, you aren't really happy with your sex life, you just don't want to hurt her feelings. And when you try to discuss your feelings, she pulls the emotional blackmail switch with tears and fighting.


BINGO. I would NEVER try to do something without her consent. I am trying to get her to want to do something. So she can see that it can be more then just the same ol same ol. I still physically enjoy sex, I just want some degree of a thrill with it. Something to help really get into it.



Catherine602 said:


> I read on another thread that you view porn and your wife is not happy about that. In addition, you both seem not to share interest. Moreover, her love language seems to be quality time.


couple things. 1) she doesnt know I still look. I am IT and know well how to hide my tracks, as well as this...I don't Download or save ANYTHING. I dont have a collection or anything like that. I look for a bit(useually 10-30 min) and even that is maybe once or twice a week, if that. Like I said I look to fill that void of a visual stimulus that she knows I want and refuses to help fill. 2) we do things together, and I am working on myself to go and do things that she likes, like hiking and what not(when the weather gets better) 

I do appreciate all the helpfull and encouraging words.


----------



## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

Drayvius said:


> BINGO. I would NEVER try to do something without her consent. I am trying to get her to want to do something. So she can see that it can be more then just the same ol same ol. I still physically enjoy sex, I just want some degree of a thrill with it. Something to help really get into it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Don't be too anxious to be overly accommodating with her desire for non-sexual intimacy if she's not stepping up to the plate with sexual intimacy. In doing so you run the risk of assuring her that things are actually all right -- and they are, for her. You have to keep reminding her of your issue even as you grant her desires for more intimacy.


----------



## Drayvius (Nov 30, 2010)

IanIronwood said:


> Don't be too anxious to be overly accommodating with her desire for non-sexual intimacy if she's not stepping up to the plate with sexual intimacy. In doing so you run the risk of assuring her that things are actually all right -- and they are, for her. You have to keep reminding her of your issue even as you grant her desires for more intimacy.


I can understand....although I do feel like I need to be taking a more active role in things that she is interested it. I can't figure out how to breach the subject of changes in our sexual habbits without causeing a problem. She starts crying and is upset....part of that is because she takes my want to do other things and makes it about her. She thinks that because I am interested in other things, its because she is a failure in the bedroom and not satisfying me. I have told her the things that I want, even down to the smallest detail of having dim lights on or having her wear something that can be visual(such as langerie or even a shirt that is a little tight in the chest area)

I feel like what I think is irrelivant because I am supposed to consider HER needs and wants, hence if she doesnt want to do anything I should just respect that. I don't know how to turn off that want.


----------



## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

Drayvius said:


> I can understand....although I do feel like I need to be taking a more active role in things that she is interested it. I can't figure out how to breach the subject of changes in our sexual habbits without causeing a problem. She starts crying and is upset....part of that is because she takes my want to do other things and makes it about her. She thinks that because I am interested in other things, its because she is a failure in the bedroom and not satisfying me. I have told her the things that I want, even down to the smallest detail of having dim lights on or having her wear something that can be visual(such as langerie or even a shirt that is a little tight in the chest area)
> 
> I feel like what I think is irrelivant because I am supposed to consider HER needs and wants, hence if she doesnt want to do anything I should just respect that. I don't know how to turn off that want.


So be prepared for it . . . but the fact is, you already HAVE a problem. If she starts crying and getting upset, that's not an additional problem, it's a side-effect of the problem you have.

It might be difficult and painful for her to hear, but the fact is this IS about her, and her lack of attention to what is clearly a very important part of your intimate life. Your continuing silence -- or at least unwillingness to make this a bigger issue -- is tacitly telling her if she ignores you long enough you'll give up.

Don't. Hold her accountable. Be gentle, be kind, but be firm: "Yes, this is about you; I'm not happy, there's things that you could easily do to fix it, and the fact that you know this and still expect me to be happy with the status quo tells me you aren't prepared to face the reality of the situation. When you're ready to stop the extortionist crying -- which is just a passive-aggressive attack on me -- then come talk to me seriously about this like an adult, and maybe we can save the relationship."

Yep. Put the whole relationship in jeopardy in her mind -- at least in theory. That's the only way she's going to take you seriously.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

MrsT,
Do you give your husbands "important priorities" the same treatment as you do your childrens important priorities? 

When my W says "This is important to me" I make a good faith effort to find a solution that works for her. A vice versa. A good faith effort doesn't require being a doormat it requires kind, considerate application of the golden rule. 



MrsT said:


> Can I state the kinda obvious here? She's saying no. No to sex in the shower, no to having the lights on, no to trying new things. Listen to what she's saying and accept the No.
> 
> My kids get into so much trouble for continually asking for something when I've repeatedly said no. Bet your wife is ready to pull her hair out, too.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Drayvius said:


> I can understand....although I do feel like I need to be taking a more active role in things that she is interested it.
> I feel like what I think is irrelivant because I am supposed to consider HER needs and wants, hence if she doesnt want to do anything I should just respect that. I don't know how to turn off that want.


This is so difficult. When I read your post - you and your wife sound incompatible. You don't share simular activities, you are not happy with her sexually, so you are sexually incompatible as well. 

A person who enjoys out door activities usually marries a partner with simular interest. She may peruse her interest without you and find a buddy who shares her interest and bond with him. If you resent doing anything with or for her because she won't do sexual things for you, she may find a sympathetic ear and a man more adaptable and sexually compatible with her. 

It is interesting that you hide your porn habit from her and bost of your skill in doing so. I have read that keeping secrets and being deceptive interferes with bonding long-term. You are pretending to be what you are not. The energy you put into the facade must be tremendous. She may eventually find out about the real you and may not be able to love the man you truly are.

It is also interesting that you cannot give up your porn habit but find it difficult to understand why she cannot do all of the sexual things you want. Maybe she finds it as difficult as you do giving up porn. Therefore, you should be able to understand.


----------



## ASV (Feb 6, 2011)

Drayvius said:


> Thank you all for the comments. I am pretty sure that this is the end for me as far as trying. It has been a while since I talked about sex in this way with my wife. The last time I did, I made sure she knew that I was happy with our sex life, I just was interested in trying more. I told her to not mistake interest with boredom. I didnt focus on any one activity, so much as I was just trying to have an open talk with my wife. This led to her breaking down and crying and was terribly upset. So, as I thought, and tryed to come up with a way to approach the subject again. I decided to do so during sex. Thinking, that in a sexual state, all horney and turned on, that maybe her inhibitions would be down a bit. So I again asked her "what she would like to do." To which I got an answer of "nothing". *shrug* which ALSO led to a conversation AFTER sex where she again started crying and was all upset. Just claiming that she is not "that kind of person"
> 
> Again I want to say that at this time, I am just trying to get something different then in the bed before sleep. I have tried to get her in the shower, or maybe even in the mornings when we wake up or in the middle of the day after work or something.
> 
> I try to calm myself, but the only thing that is more frustrating then not being able to do different things, is to not even be able to communicate to my wife about our sex life.


Not saying it is,but did it ever cross your mind that she could've been sexually abused as a kid or had a very strict up bringing,discouraging sex as dirty.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Dray,
Gentle, clear communication and a "gradual" approach sometimes works. 

Lets start with "time of day". Is it really a "time of day" issue? Or is it that it is a "lights on" experience for her unless it is night time? Would she be ok with morning sex if it was totally dark? Or is she just not a morning person?

As for the "lights" issue I have some experience with this. My W is very fit and her BMI is 22. So not even "close" to fat. Still she likes dim lighting. I could push it but I don't. I have excellent night vision and can see her very well in dim lighting. 

The thing is - if you are having frequent sex, and your W is giving you oral sex as well - she is REALLY into you. Go slow - maybe she would be ok with candle light? 

If you come across as angry/resentful/frustrated you ARE going to freak her out. As for "non" night time sex just ask her. "If I make the room dark will you make love with me in the mornings every once in a while"? 





Drayvius said:


> I do know she is unfomfortable with her image. I can't seem to help her there. She doesnt have the feelings of "lets get it over with" as far as I have exp she IS into sex, she loves giving oral. She loves intercourse, and I am able to make her cum through intercourse. On our anniversary she did do some pictures (non-nudes) and did an oral video.
> 
> Now see....my thinking was....that if she new that I enjoyed looking at these, that she in turn would want to do more. Which would lead to her being more comfortable. This backfired thou as she seemed to feel almost bad for doing them. So, I deleted them at her request.
> 
> ...


----------



## Drayvius (Nov 30, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> This is so difficult. When I read your post - you and your wife sound incompatible. You don't share simular activities, you are not happy with her sexually, so you are sexually incompatible as well.


I wont deny that. This is something we have talked about before. The thing is, when we started our relationship, I knew she was into out doors stuff, but we did a lot of things together. Wasnt until about a year ago I find out she was only doing those things because I wanted to.....kinda told her would have been nice to find that out sooner that way we could have worked on doing things she wanted to. As far as I knew, she did want to be doing those things. We have love. And we DO talk...just some things are hard to talk about and take time. 



Catherine602 said:


> A person who enjoys out door activities usually marries a partner with simular interest. She may peruse her interest without you and find a buddy who shares her interest and bond with him. If you resent doing anything with or for her because she won't do sexual things for you, she may find a sympathetic ear and a man more adaptable and sexually compatible with her.


I have thought about this. I really have. Honestly this is what drives me to put an interest in things that she does like. Although honestly there are still some things that I wont be able to do and she knows that, but hiking i can do no problem so I will. 



Catherine602 said:


> It is interesting that you hide your porn habit from her and bost of your skill in doing so. I have read that keeping secrets and being deceptive interferes with bonding long-term. You are pretending to be what you are not. The energy you put into the facade must be tremendous. She may eventually find out about the real you and may not be able to love the man you truly are.
> 
> It is also interesting that you cannot give up your porn habit but find it difficult to understand why she cannot do all of the sexual things you want. Maybe she finds it as difficult as you do giving up porn. Therefore, you should be able to understand.


First thing is first about the porn thing. I was not trying to boast...and if it sounded like that I am sorry for it. I was simply trying to help understand the situation. I would also not call it a habit...as I can stop and have. It isnt a "facade" she knows that I am a visual person and that I want to look at her. I dont understand something thou. Are my feelings not relivent?? Do my feelings not matter?? I ask this because there is something that I want sexually. That my wife can give me. She chooses not to. So I have options here. I can cheat(which honestly is NOT an option as I would never EVER do this.), I can watch porn(which I do, but again not frequently. maybe 2 times a week or so for 10-30 min at most), or I can accept that my feelings and desires are not important and do nothing. Well, I can't do that. I am useing porn almost like a cruch. Honestly I am even kinda bored with it. As I would DEFINATLY prefer my wife to porn any day. It doesnt effect our sex, as we still are about 2-3 times a week, which is our norm. 

Secondly, this "real me". Well let me make something clear, she knows me better then anyone else. The ONLY thing that I have ever hid from her IS the porn. I don't want her to know because I know it would hurt her. Bottom line is that (like I said above) I am useing it as a cruch and as soon as she starts to open up, it is gone. Absolutly no problem. 

--Speaking of which.....Saturday night was great =D still in the bedroom, before bed....but she allowed lights. (mind you I dont want the glaring over head lights on, we turned on some nice dim lights that was a little romantic while still allowing me to see). I am not sure if I can take this as a sign or a one time thing, but for now I will enjoy it for what it was.--




ASV said:


> Not saying it is,but did it ever cross your mind that she could've been sexually abused as a kid or had a very strict up bringing,discouraging sex as dirty.


Nope. I know most of her childhood and both of her parents. She didnt have an easy upbringing, but it wasnt anything like that. The only think that I could think about that catagory is her mom was a really bad ****....not trying to be mean just couldnt think of a descriptive enough word. 




MEM11363 said:


> Lets start with "time of day". Is it really a "time of day" issue? Or is it that it is a "lights on" experience for her unless it is night time? Would she be ok with morning sex if it was totally dark? Or is she just not a morning person?


Err...I think I would say a little of both. I believe the light definatly play a big part, but I think it also has to do with the time of day. She says that in the morning she feels "unclean" which is rediculous because she is the cleanest person I have ever met.(even borderline OCD) So basically....in order to have sex in the mornings, she would have to wake up, take a shower...then we have sex...then she woudl need a shower again. I have also tried after we get of work. Doesnt work either. Most possibly for the same reasons.



MEM11363 said:


> As for the "lights" issue I have some experience with this. My W is very fit and her BMI is 22. So not even "close" to fat. Still she likes dim lighting. I could push it but I don't. I have excellent night vision and can see her very well in dim lighting.


I dont. I can see after about 15-20 minutes or so, but not very well. 



MEM11363 said:


> The thing is - if you are having frequent sex, and your W is giving you oral sex as well - she is REALLY into you. Go slow - maybe she would be ok with candle light?


I understand that she is. We are both crazy about each other still. And no, I have tried candle light. One day I got home before she did so I set the room up. I had a stereo with some jazzy love songs, I put some rose petals on the bed, and I had candles lit(the room was otherwise dark) and....no go. >_< 



MEM11363 said:


> If you come across as angry/resentful/frustrated you ARE going to freak her out. As for "non" night time sex just ask her. "If I make the room dark will you make love with me in the mornings every once in a while"?


Going back to the cleanleness issue I don't think simply making the room dark would really help matter much.


--Thank you all for the responses. Like I said above, we had an amazing night Sat, and she let some lights come on. For now I am taking it one step at a time so we will see what happens. I really do love her more then I can express in words and I know that she loves me. I know that we can work out any problem because we DO love each other and I feel that we can work anything out. I come to these boards more to vent my frustrations and yes....sometimes anger, so that I CAN keep a level head when talking to her. Sometimes you do have these negative thoughts that you need to get rid of and the obvious upside to TAM is the privacy factor. So thank all of you for reading and responding as it helps me get things out and talk about things that otherwise might come out the wrong way when I do talk to my wife about them.


Dray


----------



## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Glad to see you are hopeful. Jeep us posted. Would like to know how it progresses.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Great about the lights, try to be patient with other things let her get accustomed to the light before trying anything else.


----------

