# Financial infidelity and what it says about a cheater.



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

In addition, to cheating sexually and emotionally by having and OW, viewing hard core porn obsessively and going to men's clubs, my STBEH hid money and spent More money for gifts dates and trips than he ever spent on me. 

Meanwhile he was crowing to all our friends about how good I was with money and cautious with our spending, and how lucky he was. 

Was this just a way to mock me secretly and hurt me ever more? 

It is so insulting to me that I believed the fact that I was cautious with our spending was a way to make him happy and to prevent anxiety in him about money, but later he used it against me in MC. He claimed he felt as if I was his mother controlling his spending. 

He claimed he wanted to go out to dinner more often or vacations.

But that was not true, I would have gone if he indicated he wanted to. 

During his affair I even suggested going to europe and he accused me of being competitive with a friend who had recently gone. 

Also during the original reconciliation attempt. He didn't want to go out or on vacation. He claimed he just wanted to stay home with his nice wife. He seemed to forget that he told an MC that I was boring and wanted to stay home too much.

(i guess he really meant, gullible, easy to please, easy to dupe wife) Or is that too mean and suspicious?

What does this behavior say about him?

I need outside perspectives.


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

Sara - I can SO relate to your post. It is both hurtful and childish what your ex has done. The affair is bad enough but to blame you and re-write history for being financially responsible is a double whammy. 

My STBX husband had 2 affairs while his business was failing. Due to economy the business slowed down. I did all the bills for household and business and always worked full time. He would compliment me that I was always good with money. Then he would turn around and tell me I am obsessed with money. The fighting became daily boughts. We also tried MC which failed when he started his second affair. Although we were very tight on money, we went to Italy to celebrate our 50th birthdays with a bunch of friends. He was MISERABLE the entire time he was there and was missing the OW. He was nasty to all of us. When we returned home, I kicked out. Now he is financially destitute. He has nothing, sold all his rolexs, gold and anything with value. Hardly gives me any money and barely sees his kid. 

It is so sad to see the man he has become and sad that he blamed me for all his problems. He thought once I was out of the picture, his life would be so much better. OW and him would ride happily into the sunset. Did not work out like he hoped.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

From what I have found a lot of cheaters are passive aggressive. Rather than addressing the problem, they hide their feelings and punish in a subtle way. 

I know that my husband can from a long line of rug sweepers. They also had lots of money growing up. The still try to compete with the Jones. I grew up lower middle class and can budget like a mad woman. Thank god we never had the excess for him to spend on her, but if we had the money he probably would have.

I don't know how to solve the problem. Let me know what your MC says. I know we have had a few date nights lately. Going to see live music.

Good Luck!


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

I think its just another level of disloyalty and taking advantage

With no respect for the main marriage vows, a bit of fiddling the cash is no great surprise.

The mixed messages are just that - pick one that suits the moment but never really mean any of them. You were never meant to win whatever you did - he has to villify you to ease HIS guilt or throw you off the scent


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> In addition, to cheating sexually and emotionally by having and OW, viewing hard core porn obsessively and going to men's clubs, my STBEH hid money and spent More money for gifts dates and trips than he ever spent on me.
> 
> Meanwhile he was crowing to all our friends about how good I was with money and cautious with our spending, and how lucky he was.
> 
> ...


It seems to me as though many compartmentalise the affair and everything that goes with it.

It's like a couple who are short of money, but when it comes to a holiday, or Christmas, spend as though it doesn't matter as it's a "special occasion" - not appreciating that this has a direct affect on "real life".

I don't think it's part of belittling you or mocking you - at least if it was, then your spouse was just a nasty piece of work through and through and the affair was part of the nastiness and not the other way around.

It sounds to me, however, like compartmentalising and entitlement rather than mocking.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

FrustratedFL said:


> and sad that he blamed me for all his problems. He thought once I was out of the picture, his life would be so much better. OW and him would ride happily into the sunset. Did not work out like he hoped.


I am sorry to hear you went through a similar situation. 

I am glad he finally realized that his happiness comes from within, not you or anyone else.

I am sad that he had to hurt you in the process


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> I don't know how to solve the problem. Let me know what your MC says. I know we have had a few date nights lately. Going to see live music.
> 
> Good Luck!


I am glad to hear your spouse had no money to spend while cheating. 

I am glad to hear things are going well. 

I no longer go to MC since I filed for divorce. 

The individual counselor thinks I did the right thing by letting him go because when he talked to him he said that he saw a sense of entitlement and heavy traits of narcissism. 

He also noted how he was all to willing to blame me for everything, like a bad little boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

YellowRoses said:


> I think its just another level of disloyalty and taking advantage
> 
> With no respect for the main marriage vows, a bit of fiddling the cash is no great surprise.
> 
> The mixed messages are just that - pick one that suits the moment but never really mean any of them. You were never meant to win whatever you did - he has to villify you to ease HIS guilt or throw you off the scent


YOu are so right. The deck was stacked against me from day one. 

Pick one sounds so right too. Sometimes it seems he just picks an answer from the ethers and each time it is either something new or a contradiction of something he said prior.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> It seems to me as though many compartmentalise the affair and everything that goes with it.
> 
> It's like a couple who are short of money, but when it comes to a holiday, or Christmas, spend as though it doesn't matter as it's a "special occasion" - not appreciating that this has a direct affect on "real life".
> 
> ...


Thank you, Chris, that perspective does take away a lot of the humiliating sting of the issue.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> In addition, to cheating sexually and emotionally by having and OW, viewing hard core porn obsessively and going to men's clubs, my STBEH hid money and spent More money for gifts dates and trips than he ever spent on me.
> 
> Meanwhile he was crowing to all our friends about how good I was with money and cautious with our spending, and how lucky he was.
> 
> ...


It says you made the right decision to go ahead with the divorce.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

jh52 said:


> It says you made the right decision to go ahead with the divorce.


Thank you.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

People like this point the finger for effect only. Anything they can. Just like said above, pick one. And as above also...

It is about throwing you off the scent. If the scrutiny is on you, it is off them, and so they relinquish responsibility and avoid addressing the issue. 

And it is all about projection.

Attack in order to defend.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Remains said:


> People like this point the finger for effect only. Anything they can. Just like said above, pick one. And as above also...
> 
> It is about throwing you off the scent. If the scrutiny is on you, it is off them, and so they relinquish responsibility and avoid addressing the issue.
> 
> ...


That sound so applicable.


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

Its horrendous Sara when what you think are your good qualities are turned against you


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi Sara I feel that all areas would have dishonesty of some type in them ie corrupted if he couldnt be honest with in your marriage, then financial,interpersonal relationships, work related, theirself, etc would also be off or dishonest -jmo simialar to a drug addict the drug is just a symptom of bigger issues within a person 

take care


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

In_The_Wind said:


> Hi Sara I feel that all areas would have dishonesty of some type in them ie corrupted if he couldnt be honest with in your marriage, then financial,interpersonal relationships, work related, theirself, etc would also be off or dishonest -jmo simialar to a drug addict the drug is just a symptom of bigger issues within a person
> 
> take care


Thank you. I agree.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Hi Sara, his opinion has nothing to do with truth or what you are.
He's obviously bending reality to be on his side because being true to himself is just harder than his scope of ability.
I am really sorry you had to waste time with this person.

It's so pathetic to shift blame on the person you hurt the most. I don't worry if I were you about the nonesense he'd share around because people can be duped for so long. What a lonely person he must be on the inside.

I've never thought about what you describe as financial cheating but you're right. It is cheating and deceiving.

I've never used the term passive agressive as much as I used it in this section, because the more I read the stories, the more I'm convinced that you begin by being passive agressive (dreading taking responsiblity and action, and putting blames on others for the misdeeds you've done).
All I can say is you're better off him.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

In_The_Wind said:


> Hi Sara I feel that all areas would have dishonesty of some type in them ie corrupted if he couldnt be honest with in your marriage, then financial,interpersonal relationships, work related, theirself, etc would also be off or dishonest -jmo simialar to a drug addict the drug is just a symptom of bigger issues within a person


I sure agree with this.

My STBXWW started out by by being dishonest about small things and then progressed to the big stuff.

She had dented up a few cars that we owned in the past and lied to me, claiming she didn't know how they happened. It always seemed to happen when the cars were parked and she was in a store. 

She only works 3 days a week and would go out and meet with her girlfriends on her days off for lunches and shopping and when I would ask her about her day she would leave out most of what she did. 

She was spending money on clothes and stuff and then hiding them so I didn't know how much she was spending. Keep in mind, she never contributed any of her money to the household finances.

She then progressed to opening up charge cards, in her name, without my knowledge, and paying for them out of our joint account...that I alone funded...also without my knowledge. 

Next she opened up charge cards in MY name, without my knowledge, and racked up some impressive balances in which I am still paying for....nice. (I took away the responsibility of paying the bills from her after this discovery). 

She would go out for GNO's occasionally and only tell me what restaurant they went to. She would omit 2 out of 3 of clubs they went to afterward.

Then she joined fakebook and kept all of her new friends a secret from me. She had a whole other life on the side...her alter-ego.

She then graduated to cheating....for at least 1 1/2 years. I'm pretty sure she spent money on him...hers or mine...it's all the same.

I guess it was a logical progression for her. I feel cheaters are dishonest in other areas of their lives as well. It's like they are constantly testing the boundaries to see what they can get away with. Since I suffered from "Nice husband syndrome" I trusted her and enabled her in this transition.

To me, financial infidelity is one of the steps in the transition towards complete and total infidelity. If they will lie about something small...they sure as hell lie about something of significant importance where there is much more at stake. Entitlement, selfishness and narcissism.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Torrivien said:


> Hi Sara, his opinion has nothing to do with truth or what you are.
> He's obviously bending reality to be on his side because being true to himself is just harder than his scope of ability.
> I am really sorry you had to waste time with this person.
> 
> ...


It took me awhile to realize that. But I know you are right.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Decimated said:


> I sure agree with this.
> 
> My STBXWW started out by by being dishonest about small things and then progressed to the big stuff.
> 
> ...


Sad but true.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Sara my husband is also narcisstic and yes they tend to hide accounts and money. I have asked for all of his credit card statements as a result during the divorce. Oh and he is lying about everything and accusing me of stuff, all the norm for a narcissist. Be aware of that in your divorce. He sounds like my stbxh. 
He will be mean and try and screw you over all the way. I am no longer shocked by any of his behaviour now I know what a cold hearted unempathetic monster he is. Once you divorce them, all hell breaks loose.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

On my case I'm not sure I would consider it financial "infidelity" as much as financial abuse (control)... 

I would be preached to if I spent too much on groceries,, ( I work in a grocery store would a lot of times just pick up what we need day to day and not shop for weeks or the month.)

I had to account for anything, my lunches at work, any extras, etc. yet when we went out to eat with friends, H would pay for everybody ( including all the alcohol)... 

He is only home a day and a half, and would golf both days, he would give to charity at work, but if I would say yes to the phone charities, he would say I was quick at giving away his money....( he had to be the one known to be the giving one,, doing the good deed)

Would say it was "his" bank account and that he only added my name to it, and could take my name off any time he wanted...


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

Sara, sorry he's done this to you, but no surprise given the history. Their behaviour is selfish, and a logical step when you think about it. It's not like they disrespest by cheating, but have enough respect not to waste all the money.

I never experienced financial infidelity during the affair. But I worry if D becomes a reality, what she'll do with the money then. I know she plans to take me down for every cent she can.

And Sara, don't be to hard on yourself about being too gullible and easily duped. We all were, because we trusted and had complete faith. They abused that trust.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Sara, I think what you experienced is pretty common. I say this on my blog -- people who will f*ck you over with infidelity will f*ck you over financially as well. Seeing as you are divorcing him, be very aggressive. Run a credit check on him. Tally up his debts. What he spent on his affairs is money you can ask for back. He spent marital assets.

It's all entitlement. It's all deeply narcissistic and crazy. I can relate. My now ex-H utterly defrauded me. Fortunately, I got a kickass lawyer and fought hard for a settlement, so it wasn't as bad as it could've been, but it was pretty awful. 

I moved to another state for him, financial HIS career move, and bought a house with MY money (I'd sold my house, he had not sold his... how convenient. His asset remained his, my asset became a marital asset). I paid off some of his CC debt to get a better mortgage rate for us -- I was a total idiot.

And the first MONTH I lived in new state he hounded me to find work and bring in more money (I had found a freelance gig). Yeah, the woman who paid off his debt and financed his career move -- it wasn't enough. It made me FURIOUS. A few short months later, I found out about the affair(s).

None of this was event when I was dating him. Then he was the picture of generosity. 

These people are users -- manipulators. You are of USE to him. You're a resource. You're not supposed to have your own needs or cost anything to operate. You're supposed to GIVE.

Healthy relationships are based upon reciprocity. Learn to accept reciprocity. It was something I had to learn. I was always more comfortable giving than receiving, so when I was with my ex-H, at first his indulgence (because I loved him) seemed okay. Until it became grotesque and I discovered who he really was.

I'm happily remarried now. My H is a wonderful, generous person. I had to adapt, work at being okay with taking sometimes. I know this sounds like a good problem to have, but point is -- value reciprocity in all your relationships. 

I'm so glad you're getting OUT!


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> Sara my husband is also narcisstic and yes they tend to hide accounts and money. I have asked for all of his credit card statements as a result during the divorce. Oh and he is lying about everything and accusing me of stuff, all the norm for a narcissist. Be aware of that in your divorce. He sounds like my stbxh.
> He will be mean and try and screw you over all the way. I am no longer shocked by any of his behaviour now I know what a cold hearted unempathetic monster he is. Once you divorce them, all hell breaks loose.


I agree. I have been advised to hire a forensic accountant to track the bank accounts and undue withdrawals and to check his credit history for other credit cards. That is in process. 

You are right to about getting mean. He at first promised to be very fair to be if we divorced, but now that I have filed he has actually stated that he will get nasty. 

Thanks for your input and sorry you too went through this


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> On my case I'm not sure I would consider it financial "infidelity" as much as financial abuse (control)...
> 
> I would be preached to if I spent too much on groceries,, ( I work in a grocery store would a lot of times just pick up what we need day to day and not shop for weeks or the month.)
> 
> ...


'sorry to hear that. 

No. he did not control the money, but he did often complain about money in general.

Little did I know instead of working he was doing nooners and entire afternoons with the OW and of course he was earning less. It wasn't the economy, it was the fact that he was not working.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Vegemite said:


> And Sara, don't be to hard on yourself about being too gullible and easily duped. We all were, because we trusted and had complete faith. They abused that trust.


Thank you, vegi.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

chumplady said:


> Sara, I think what you experienced is pretty common. I say this on my blog -- people who will f*ck you over with infidelity will f*ck you over financially as well. Seeing as you are divorcing him, be very aggressive. Run a credit check on him. Tally up his debts. What he spent on his affairs is money you can ask for back. He spent marital assets.
> 
> It's all entitlement. It's all deeply narcissistic and crazy. I can relate. My now ex-H utterly defrauded me. Fortunately, I got a kickass lawyer and fought hard for a settlement, so it wasn't as bad as it could've been, but it was pretty awful.
> 
> ...


Your situation sounds very similar to mine. 

And, yes, you are right, I do have difficulty taking and accepting generosity. 

I am glad you found a loving spouse.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Hi Sara my XH pretty much did the same thing... complimented me to others on how good I was with money but then when he was cheating on me blamed me for never letting him have "fun" ( which costs money). He would at any given opportunity spend on [email protected] and hide the bill from me. Looking back what I see it as was his money issues ( which started way before the cheating) was just an example of his lack of self-control or the ability to maintain boundaries, which later repeated itself in the cheating.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

What I find interesting is how a guy wil expect his gf /wife contribute to the costs of entertainment but the when the guy gets around his female friends or buddies that he likes to impress (like my exH), they're perfectly happy to pay for everything.

of course, they work harder for something that's not a sure thing.


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