# So...I'm new.



## pinkslippers (Dec 16, 2013)

Hi everyone. I'm pinkslippers. I found this forum a while ago but decided to join today. I'm sorta struggling and just needed someone to talk to, maybe get some introspection or...something.

Two years ago, my husband had an affair with a girl he worked with. He was extremely remorseful, cut off all contact, quit his job, willingly gave up his passwords and cellphone, did anything and everything I asked him to. I was madly in love with him before this happened. We were the couple that couldn't keep their hands off of each other. We had sex every night. I would have died for him, even after 10 years of marriage. I waited on him hand and foot, despite having three kids, one with medical issues, and my own medical issues. He was my world, my life. Once I found out about the affair, the way I looked at him changed. I no longer saw him as the same person. He became a stranger to me. 

Because I live so far from my family, my mother urged me to stay and work it out for the kids' sakes, so I did. We tried working on things, but after that I just couldn't view him the same way. I was fine with being good friends and parenting together. I figured once the kids got older I'd leave. In the meantime, I enrolled in college and started working on me. 

In July he confessed to being an opiate addict. He's now in recovery and going to a methadone clinic. He sees himself as this victim who is forever cursed with having this horrible disease. Everything is focused on his sobriety: his job, his money, his issues, his EVERYTHING. I had surgery and was prescribed narcotics for the post-op pain. I had them hidden really well from them-he still asked me for pills everyday. When I said no, I became an "addict" just like him and he would preach to me how I needed help...but he was still asking for my pills. 

I feel like he's a complete narcissist. He only cares about himself and his life. My leaving would devastate him, but I think it's only because he doesn't know how to be a normal person around normal people. He's comfortable with me. I can't believe that he has undying love and devotion to me. Hello, he cheated.

What's weird is that even though all these things have happened and I did the 180 and I changed myself, I am so sad about my old life. I feel like it was so great and amazing and I was full of life and happy. Now I'm just going through the motions and trying to fake it til I make it. I am seeing a counselor and am on anti-depressants, but it's not changing anything. I am just so miserable. I hate this life. I hate the cynical, jaded person I've become. I used to love my life and now I just hate it.

What's even sicker is that when he's not here, I want him home. When he is here, I'd wish he leave. My head is so jacked up! When he's at work, I wait for him to text me. Then he does and I roll my eyes. 

Has his affair and addiction caused my brain to go crazy? Am I crazy now? Like, is this a psychotic break and I just don't know it? I'm so confused.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You say that your mom lives some distance from you. Could a visit back home help you to gain focus? Of course hubby would need to stay behind and man the fort. 

I would expect after two years that you would have a good sense of what needs to be done and my guess is that you do 

Don't stay just for the kids. You are either in or out. Your kids don't need to grow up in an environment where things are off. Teach them life lessons by example.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

I'm sorry you're going through this. The confusion is normal. thats what I struggle the most with. I'm happy, and then I get mad at myself for being happy with my WW and I start getting angry at her.

Selfishness is a common trait amongst cheaters. Also, I know the feeling about not seeing them the same anymore. The woman I fell in love with, is dead to me. The woman I go home to everynight is someone who looks exactly like her.

I'm confused because I see this woman whom I loved for 8 years, but I cant tell her I love her when she tells me. Its almost like shes an empty shell. The body/face are the same, but the inside is gone.


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## pinkslippers (Dec 16, 2013)

I've gone back "home" a few times since everything came to the surface. Every time I go, I start out regretting I ever left. Then, by the end of the visit I can't get out of there fast enough. My family lives in FL. I HATE FL. I LOVE MD. Love it! I love the schools, the seasons, the houses, the trees, the grass, the proximity to DC....everything. The only thing I love about FL is that my family is still there. If they were here, I'd have left a long time ago. I can't support myself and my kids up here until I'm done with my education. I figure I'll stay until I'm done. If things change, fine. If not, fine-I'm prepared to support myself and my kids. At that point, they'll all be older and my oldest will be in college.

I really want to be the person I was before. I'm assuming that'll never happen again. I realize we'll never be the old couple we used to be, but I can't help but wonder if there will ever be a new "us". Part of me feels like, if I leave and wind up alone forever, it's better off. The other part of me feels like, I got married for forever and I'll be dammed if I divorce.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

This is my experience and I am not trying to say this will happen to everyone.

My wife has struggled with opiates for several years. We "tried" methadone against my better judgment. Several doctors had to convince me that it would help. It was one of the worst decisions I have made. She was on methadone for close to a year and a half. It costs about $92 per week. When she would take methadone, it gave her lots of energy. It was essentially her new drug. The withdrawals were terrible. She was taking her dose around 6am. She would wake up with withdrawals frequently during the night. She described it as bone pain. She couldn't wait until morning. She was still abusing other drugs also, usually in the evenings to help her withdrawals. She lost weight and generally looked like crap. I eventually had to put her in an in-patient rehab for 3 weeks just to get off the methadone. Several years later, she still craves it the most and says it was a terrible decision. 

At least in our case, the local clinic doesn't seem to be too concerned about patients getting better. They seemed more worried about their weekly fee. The counseling was awful. They have had people going there for years.


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

Look up a book called co-dependent more by melody Beattie. Also - the language of letting go.

It sounds like you may be codependent. It often happens to spouses of people with addiction problems. 

I also wish for my life before dday but I realize I was living a lie. Ignorance can be bliss but I think that knowledge is power. Can you picture havin g the same happiness with a non cheating heroin addict. It was all an illusion. 

The other thing I realize that life is hard and pain is part of living and growing. However, the rewards of living through pain are more rewarding than living a fake life which ends with a wrecking ball. I wish you good luck with your decision and I'm sorry you have to be here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Of course if it's going to happen it all, affairs take time for the BS to process. I've often seen the figure of 2 to 5 years. But some of the consequences of the aftermath, can be that the flaws of the WS seem exacerbated, the marital issues become more worrisome. Not unusual.

I would say however, at the two year mark, you should be making some progress. In other words, you should be feeling better about things than you did say 3, 6, or 9 months ago - as long as your husband is demonstrating consistent remorse.

I'm a little past the two years myself, and I do feel like I'm making progress, at least enough progress for me to keep hanging in there. But I understand where you're coming from.

If your plan is to hang in there until the children are old enough, fine. It least that's a plan; and that gives you years to see if things get better.

But ultimately, only you can decide your own tolerance level. No one should blame you if you decide to leave; be it now or at any time in the future.


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## pinkslippers (Dec 16, 2013)

I think I am co-dependant, absolutely. I think I rely on him to help with the kids and alleviate some of the day to day chores. I'll check out that book though, thanks!
I read Not Just Friends and truthfully, it was hard to get through. I felt like I was reliving everything. A huge problem I have is ignoring my emotions. The plane of lethal flatness plagues me. I'm also a pain shopper but unable to cry. I just push the emotions away. I am unable to feel anything....anything.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## pinkslippers (Dec 16, 2013)

Well I feel like my progress has been made by getting out of bed everyday, being an involved mom, taking a shower, cooking dinner, and not jumping off the roof. I also enrolled in school, started losing weight and working out.....things I never would have done before. I was content on being a "kept woman" and having my husband run the show. I never planned a "what-if" and now I feel foolish.

I am probably co-dependant to some degree. I feel like I need his help with the kids and the day to day chores. However, as far as making decisions about things or making plans or doing whatever, I do whatever I want. He can join or not but I never include him in anything. And I probably should say I don't NEED his help, but things have changed and I refuse to do all the work while he sits on his butt doing nothing. It was like that before. IMO, he had it really good and he ruined it. I will check out that book though-thanks!

DifferentGuy-how is your wife managing her addiction now? She still have cravings?


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

pinkslippers said:


> DifferentGuy-how is your wife managing her addiction now? She still have cravings?


She has been abusing Ambien and Remeron for the last year. I have been keeping them in a lock box for several months, but so far this week she has gotten into her meds twice. I told her even today that I am tired of this, that she should be saving her money because I have pretty much had it. We have 2 children, and the only reason I am still with her was because I couldn't afford to raise them on my own. Recent success at work has made it now possible for me to be happy without her.

I am here because 2 months ago she confessed to cheating on me years ago.


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

I work in the addiction world (oh the irony) and I do with with methadone clients.

Methadone works well if you realize it's not a cure. We tell all our clients to go to 12 step meetings and for spouses we suggest they go to alanine, narcanon ( pick your addiction). We also tell our clients to do stress management, anger management, assertiveness training. Methadone will take away the craving but it won't teach them how to live a drug free life. Often substance abuse is due to poor coping skills or self medicating.

Ok. I'll take off my work hat now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pinkslippers (Dec 16, 2013)

Looking for clarity-he has terrible coping skills. Terrible. He doesn't cope, he runs and buries his head and hopes that the problem will go away-it obviously never does. He also refuses to do anything for his addiction, other than the methadone. He thinks that's enough.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## pinkslippers (Dec 16, 2013)

I posted before using my phone but it didn't show up so if I post twice, that's why.

I think that he thinks that methadone is his cure. He won't do 12 step, won't do meetings, won't do counseling other than his monthly 20 minute meeting at the clinic where he says everything is fine and then leaves. He has NO coping mechanisms. He buries his head and hopes that problem will go away or someone else will fix it. That's not who I married and I don't know when that changed. He used to be very dedicated to his job and his family and his dreams. Somewhere along the way he just lost all ambition and, like, intelligence. He's done the stupidest things since admitting he has an addiction, but then he blames his addiction on his stupid decisions....even though he says he's cured of the addiction. He just doesn't get it and I don't know how to fix anything, especially myself.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

So sorry that you are here of course... It's a tough situation you are in. Forgiveness of something like this is extremely difficult, made more difficult by his addiction issue I'm sure. I'm curious, has he been doing everything he can to help you process through the affair and find forgiveness? It sounds like he was initially, but has he continued that? What kinds of other behavior has he exhibited that is problematic or, alternatively, supporting your healing?

I get the impression that, as far as the affair itself, that you have struggled to forgive him and rediscover your love for him. It sounds like your marriage was pretty great prior to the affair (from your perspective anyway) so did you ever figure out what drove him to the affair? If not, or if whatever the cause was has not been corrected, then that could easily be a factor involved. A "subconscious" fear that he is one pretty face away from another affair.

Would you say that you trust him yet? Like... lets say you discovered a single "red flag" that could possibly represent another affair. Just one indicator, like him coming home late saying he had to work late and then finding out from his co-worker that he left early. (Could be any number of reasons, maybe just went out to plan a surprise for you for example) Would your first thought be that he is having another affair? Or would he have the benefit of the doubt first?


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

cdbaker said:


> ... Would your first thought be that he is having another affair? Or would he have the benefit of the doubt first?




Sorry, what a ridiculous question! (along with the rest of the description in the final paragraph). Shame you ruined a promising post. 

I can answer, with some surety (based on what has been said, that if some sneaky behaviour was going on, the 1st thought is an affair. The second thought is any other scenario. The third is 'what to do now, and even, do I care??!!'.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

How did he become addicted? What was he addicted to?

I became an opiate addict. Codeine. I got off it cold turkey. It was hell, couple of false starts, but I got there, with the support of my wife. 

Auditory hallucinations, the works.


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