# should I forgive her I forgave him help me



## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Kim,

I am sorry, but I won’t bear the weight of “breaking up” your marriage. You are the only person in your life that gets to have a say in how it turns out. If you choose to leave and not work things out between the two of you then that is your choice. I have apologized for what I did and will always be sorry for that, but you are making it into something so much more than it was and blowing the whole thing out of proportion. I am not quite sure why you chose today to decide that I ruined your marriage. I guess because Joey gave you more information. I told you all of that on Halloween so I am confused as to how the fact that your husband groped me, lied to you, and kept things from you again, turns out today, to be my fault? Regardless I am not going to go below the belt and list a bunch of personal attacks on you. I gave you an opportunity almost 3 months ago to use me as your scapegoat and hate me and you chose to drag it all out for the last 2 ½ months instead. I think you need to figure out the real reasons that you are not happy and that you keep choosing not to move on and enjoy your life, family, kids, husband, etc; all the things you have been telling me are number one to you. If they are, why are you making it so difficult? There are so many more important things happening in this world and life is about so much more. I hope you figure that out someday. I really do wish you guys the best and hope you can be strong and figure out what you need for you to be happy so that all the people around you can quit suffering in your misery with you.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

This was the letter she sent me.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I know what you are saying mommy22 its just going to kill me when we are all around each other if I forgive you know like I think that I will be always thinking my H wants her or something cause he was going to throw us all away for her? I dont know what to do I HATE MY LIFE really this happends in the movies not for real.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I just talked to her for about a hour and said sorry for being a pill and crazy the last three months it felt good to talkt to her I really missed her. I do know they are both sorry for what happend and that it wont ever happen again. I do also know that me and her are done with the bff I just want to be good with it all again so if we see each other it isnt a ughhhh I hate you thing. And we talked about it and it was good she said she understood it all minuse me getting vindictive with her. And yes that was crossing the line but she knows what he was trying to do and thats good we all are on a understanding. its still messed up but I really need it to be civil. I THINK.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

First of all, I'm not clear if she did anything wrong if its as she stated. First she apologizes for what she did then she says it was all your husband. Did he make an advance to her and she told him no? Or did she participate or do anything to encourage him? If she did, then she is not taking responsibility. If the answer is no, then there is nothing to forgive regarding her. 

And if she did, then this is no apology at all. An apology should never contain "you are blowing this out of proportion" she seems to put the blame at your feet. She doesn't want the responsibility of ruining your marriage. Maybe if she would have thought of that sooner...

So to answer your question should you forgive her. Yes. Should and can are two different things. I know I cannot forgive the OW and may never be able to do that. I want to because its better for ME. If I can let it go, then I will have a healthier relationship. The extreme anger I have towards her is damaging to me. But for right now, let me hang on to my anger as it makes me stronger. Its a comfort to me. Also I have been able to channel 90% of my anger towards my husband to her. I need that outlet right now. You may too. So do so if that is what you need to do but ultimately if you can forgive her its better for you. 

Forgiving is not the same as forgetting. No friend would ever carry on with your husband. I would not be able to trust her and would never seek her out to spend time with and certainly never trust her. She's just a reminder of some more difficult times. So when you can, forgive her but move on from her.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

sunflower said:


> I know what you are saying mommy22 its just going to kill me when we are all around each other if I forgive you know like I think that I will be always thinking my H wants her or something cause he was going to throw us all away for her? I dont know what to do I HATE MY LIFE really this happends in the movies not for real.


Sorry need to add something, you can't be around her for exactly what you said above. Forgiveness is one thing but torturing yourself goes too far! 

Do not hate your life, change it. Be in control. Make it better. When you decide to do that it will be better. In my situation I decided to do that before we reconciled. My H says I'm so determined I will do anything I decide to and that is what I decided to do. That's when he figured...oh no! She has moved on without me. I felt happier when I did that. 

I'm not always in control and the "demons" get me some days but I can chase them away when I say "not today, today I am going to feel happy". Its a tough exercise but like physical exercise you get stronger at it the more you do it.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I feel pathetic like a loser I hate that I feel I cant do any better then him. I know he is a good guy but the thought of him telling her that he may have feelings for her kills me it does. I dont know what to do I feel soooooo alone


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I'm sorry you're going through this. It really does suck.

As far as your so called friend's letter goes, I agree with others, that is no apology letter. It is a shifting of any responsibility away from her to your husband.

On one level, she has a point. Your husband chose to act inappropriately. However, she was an active participant and chose to cross a boundary a real friend does not cross.

People here get all hung up on forgiveness and how it is for you, yadda-yadda.

Youu do not have to have this person in your life ever again. and why would you want to?

She represents the failure of friendship and temptation for your husband.

Your husband does not need a reminder or further temptation.

You do not have to be the one who sucks it up and keeps the friendship for the sake of shared history. That's over. The innocence of your connection no longer is there.

I do not believe your former friend's BS about her innocence at all.

And even if that were so, having her around does nothing for protecting your marriage.

If your marriage truly is not worth saving, as in, your husband is open to temptation, then you need to either fix that or quit the marriage. 

I'd totally step away from that friendship and cultivate other friendships instead.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

So you think that there was feelings involved and it could happen again? I dont know I talked to him this morning and read over this crap and well I just dont know He asked her that night they kissed if she had feelings and she made it clear she didnt and said no and he said that he HAD to kiss her to know basically where they stand but then he claims he didnt have feelings for her? I seriously want to just jump off a cliff right now.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I am not saying that NOW she wants to do repeat what occurred. Nor am i saying that your husband currently wants to pursue her.

However, I am saying that despite what your H says and what she tells you, that there is a risk not worth having by keeping her in your life.

I'm also saying that your husband is still a problem. 

I think you need marriage counseling and TIME, time spent by him showing his potential for trustworthiness.

And I'm also telling you to hang in there. Not being able to rely on your husband and your former friend sucks, I know.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya it really does he is completely shunning me right now. Its killing me and I get all freaked out! I just feel low. seriously why would he say all that if he didnt have feelings what the hell. ok I think that I am just going to jump HA I cant handle this anymore


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