# Contact after the No Contact Letter



## Rainey Okay (May 9, 2012)

I am 3 weeks into D Day. I suspected my H had an affair and finally found evidence on his computer. I confronted him and he admitted it. The OW is someone I know. More of an acquaintance than a friend. She lives in our neighborhood.
H assures me it was over before I found out and based on the messages and emails that I found I believe him. He ended the A about 7 months ago. At first I did not want him to do a NC letter but after talking to my therapist about how important it was for him to make me feel safe again I let him know it needed to be done. The letter was short and to the point. Similar to the sample letter here on CWI
OW called my cell phone at 7:30 the next morning, she blocked her #, I answered. The call was very brief. She said that he was just not having sex with her and stated 2 names of women who live in our neighborhood. She was very angry and clearly wanted to keep going. I hung up on her. 
So much for No contact. I told my husband immediately what she said. He denies vehemently having sex with anyone but her. He has been very remorseful and we are working on our marriage. We will be starting MC shortly. 

I fear I am married to a serial cheater. Believing him is very difficult now. I can't believe anything she says either. I think it is a possibility she is pissed off and very angry about the NC Letter and is lashing out, did a bit of digging via Facebook and or whitepages and came up with those 2 names. I am thinking she might have some bunny boiler tendencies. I do plan on sending a letter to her husband. I realize this might cause quite a bit of fallout.

Any thoughts on this would be helpful. I am grateful for this forum. It helps me feel like I am not so alone. 

Peace


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Yes, expose OW to her husband as soon as you can. Make sure to call him directly or tell him face-face so OW doesn't intercept the message.

Try digging a little more to find out if the other 2 women have had any contact with your husband. Check his call/text logs, emails, fb, etc.

By the way where were you when he was having an affair?


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## Rainey Okay (May 9, 2012)

I have dug through his FB, txt, emails and I see no contact with these 2 women no friendly FB posts, nothing. It makes no sense.
Where was I is a good question as H and I work together and we are together all the time When I asked he stated he would go out for an errand or two and one time I was out with a girlfriend. Apparently they were brief quick encounters.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

NC letter isn't enuff---what boundaries have you set---what ACTIONABLE consequences, has he been told would ensue---not words, but actions----he will NOT change unless you FORCE him to----you didn't catch him before---now if he really wants to, he will go deep underground---especially if you are dealing with a woman who won't back off------

You need to make sure there is no lovery--dovey, on your part, right now,---and do not be particularly nice to him, at this point---he needs to know there MUST be accountability

If you do NOT handle this strongly, he will continue to cheat, cuz he knows you handled it weakly this time, so he knows he can get away with what he is doing---be extremely tuff on him!!!!!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Has your H communicated with the OW since the letter? It's not really a shock that she wouldn't instantly abide by that letter, that she would check to see if he really meant it. 

Regarding the accusation of other women. Trust your instinct on this. It is entirely plausible that the OW told you that hoping you'd throw your H out and clear the way for the two of them to sail off into the sunset. People in affair fog do think this way. Conversely, how plausible is it that your H is carrying on with every wife in the neighborhood? Vs. the OW just watched one too many episodes of Desperate House Wives? Both are possible, it's a tough spot, just try to listen to your instinct.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Rainey Okay said:


> I have dug through his FB, txt, emails and I see no contact with these 2 women no friendly FB posts, nothing. It makes no sense.
> Where was I is a good question as H and I work together and we are together all the time When I asked he stated he would go out for an errand or two and one time I was out with a girlfriend. Apparently they were brief quick encounters.


Have you done a download of his facebook account
Have you reviewed his cell phone bills. Start now, they only go back 12 months.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rainey Okay (May 9, 2012)

jnj express said:


> NC letter isn't enuff---what boundaries have you set---what ACTIONABLE consequences, has he been told would ensue---not words, but actions----he will NOT change unless you FORCE him to---
> -and do not be particularly nice to him, at this point---he needs to know there MUST be accountability
> 
> If you do NOT handle this strongly, he will continue to cheat, cuz he knows you handled it weakly this time, so he knows he can get away with what he is doing---be extremely tuff on him!!!!!


Since the phone call from the OW I certainly haven't been loving or particularly nice. It is like D Day all over again. If he does this again I will leave. He knows this. I do believe in my marriage and want to give it a second chance. I wouldn't say I have handled this weakly. I know we all have different ways of dealing with infidelity and I am doing the best I can. As for boundaries he is on a very short leash. Like I said we own a business together and we are together 24/7...short of following him into the bathroom and he doesn't take his cell with him. No errands without me, we take our walks together and computer time has become very transparent. 
I will not stay married to a cake eater. If he wants to continue this behavior I will find out. I know what to look for now and I am not afraid to dig and make everyone very uncomfortable. Thanks for the clarity

Peace


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

The period following the initial DDay is very tough. If your husband had a strong bond with this woman, if he was having a lot of emotional needs met by her, his affair fog will be strong. The compulsion to contact her will remain strong for quite some time.

But there has to be a marriage to return to. Punishing your husband through anger is not a long term solution. I found the more anger / hostility I expressed, the less remorse I saw in him. Conversely, seeing him telling me in writing how sorry he was helped me a lot. Before that I was seething and raking him over the coals almost daily.

I realize that your largest issue is not knowing the full truth. I'm sure you've had this conversation, but at least 3 separate times I sat my husband down and said, you had better be telling me everything, because if I find anything major that you have not disclosed from here on out, we are done. I said this to him that many times because I wanted to give him every opportunity to come clean.

The other thing was, our MC is trained in infidelity and he told me, in front of my husband, to install GPS and backup software on his phone. He said it would calm my anxiety and give my H a chance to prove himself. My husband very readily agreed to this. I find myself skipping several days now between checking, down from several times a day. Since everything is logged I'm still able to see everything. He also checks in with me throughout the day via phone calls and texts of his own volition.

Such tight tabs are not a long-term solution. They did take me out of hyper-vigilance, the state of 'flight or fight.' At some point I will stop altogether with the knowledge that there are no additional chances for him. It would break my heart if he cannot in the end stay true to me, but that is one thing a long term affair will do for you, it gives you plenty of time to get used to the idea of living without them.


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## Rainey Okay (May 9, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> Has your H communicated with the OW since the letter?
> 
> Regarding the accusation of other women. Trust your instinct on this. It is entirely plausible that the OW told you that hoping you'd throw your H out and clear the way for the two of them to sail off into the sunset. People in affair fog do think this way. Conversely, how plausible is it that your H is carrying on with every wife in the neighborhood? Vs. the OW just watched one too many episodes of Desperate House Wives? Both are possible, it's a tough spot, just try to listen to your instinct.


H has not been in contact with OW since the letter. The A had ended and I think the letter shook her. It's one thing to think you got away with something and find out that isn't case now. 
My instincts told me he was having an A. Plus I knew who it was with. I am pissed off it took me so long to find what I was looking for to prove it. I don't think it is plausible he is carrying on with these other wives. It makes no sense on so many levels. However, I am not a fool and will continue to be very aware of his actions and that of the neighbors What troubles me is her accusation feels like D Day again. This is going to sound so Polly Anna but her accusation wasn't very nice and very cruel. She clearly wanted to hurt me and in turn hurt him. I couldn't care less that she wanted to hurt him. But what the hell? What did I do to her? Geesh. (you can tell I am a newbie)
Thanks so much for your reply. I am trusting my instincts. At least they are intact. 
Peace


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## Rainey Okay (May 9, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Have you done a download of his facebook account
> Have you reviewed his cell phone bills. Start now, they only go back 12 months.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Okay not too sure what a d/l of his FB account is. So I am happy to do that if you can tell me how it is done. However his FB account is always open on his computer and I poke around in his FB account regularly and of course his computer.
As for his cell phone I get the bills, it is my password to access the account. I started my search there and had come up empty. However I did not go back more than a few months at the time. Checking that again tonight. 

Thanks for your help.
Peace


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

She wants only one of two things. First is to get you to give up on the marriage so she can have your H; and if she can't have that, the second is to give you pain because you are giving her pain by not giving her your H. 

The first has nothing to do with you other than that you're in the way. The second is personal because you won't get out of the way.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Rainey Okay said:


> Okay not too sure what a d/l of his FB account is. So I am happy to do that if you can tell me how it is done. However his FB account is always open on his computer and I poke around in his FB account regularly and of course his computer.
> As for his cell phone I get the bills, it is my password to access the account. I started my search there and had come up empty. However I did not go back more than a few months at the time. Checking that again tonight.
> 
> Thanks for your help.
> Peace


Sorry I couldn't circle back to you last night.

Open the facebook account--or in your case, if it's already open, click the newfeed button so that page comes up. In the upper right-hand corner is a tiny triangle pointing down. Click it, and in the drop-down menu, choose account settings. In account settings, at the bottom, you will see download facebook account. Click that button and facebook sends an email to the account holder telling them a download has been ordered and will be available later. Later it will send an email stating that the download is ready. Go back into the Account Settings page and click the download account button again and it will send the download to your computer.

If your husband only used facebook a little, it will be just a few pages. If he messaged people a lot, it will be many pages. This is how you will find stuff that got deleted.

Again, he will be alerted via the emails that the download has been requested and then is ready.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Rainey Okay said:


> As for his cell phone I get the bills, it is my password to access the account. I started my search there and had come up empty. However I did not go back more than a few months at the time. Checking that again tonight.
> 
> Thanks for your help.
> Peace


In addition to going back for the entire last year--there is a second way to cross-reference the Verizon cell phone bills. Don't rely on one method. Analyze them from every angle.

There is an "analyze usage" choice that you can use to your advantage. It gives you top ten most expensive calls and top ten most called #'s. This is how I discovered the AP's home phone. 

Pick the cell phone bills apart. They tell you where they were located when the calls were made. You can glean other information from them, too. For example, I found an unlisted number that the AP used only once. But she used it to call my husband while he was overseas--she called for one minute and then the very next minute he calls her (and charges $80 for a 20 minute phone call ). But my point is, I was able to pinpoint that additional phone # because of the sequence of events in the bill.

The texts don't go back far, just the cell phone calls. Every month Verizon takes a bill offline, and then it's gone forever. So anyone else reading this, go in there TODAY and print all the bills off, you can look at them another time but you can't get them back easily (if at all without a court order) once they go offline.


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## Rainey Okay (May 9, 2012)

Thanks so much for your help. I will do this right away. I checked H's cell phone calls last night going back 12 months. Needless to say it was a very difficult night. The call to the OW on her Birthday was the hardest of all to see. LOTS of calls. Confronted him and got lots of trickle truth. This is an EA. He won't admit it but I have read enough to know it is. 
Peace


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Sorry if I missed this somehow--do you have the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass?

don't forget to check your birthday
Christmas
late on Saturday nights
during vacations

or you can sit down with last year's digital calendar and cross reference every single phone call

not that this will get you anywhere except to turn you into a sobbing, snotty mess

not like I know anyone who did that, or anything


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## Rainey Okay (May 9, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Sorry if I missed this somehow--do you have the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass?
> 
> don't forget to check your birthday
> Christmas
> ...


:iagree:

Thats funny. Yes all this cross referencing, digging, is making me a sobbing, snotty mess. What I did see was that the calls really did stop when he says they did. So that was a bit of a relief. 

You are correct that the more angry I get the less remorse I see from H. I get so angry and I can't stop unfortunately it happens at night and then we can't sleep. I need to reign that in a bit. It doesn't help the situation and I don't like me when I get mad like that. I do like the idea of the letter. Having something to hold onto would make me feel better. When I was going through his email the other night I looked at the NC letter he sent and reread it a few times and it was soothing for me to see. 

I have been reading Not Just Friends. I just d/l'd it onto my Kindle. I also read Surviving Infidelity. I am finding NJF to be more painful to read than SI. It is an excellent book and really digs deep. 

Thanks for the FB info. Will tackle that soon. Your help and kindness is very much appreciated. 
Peace


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## Rainey Okay (May 9, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> She wants only one of two things. First is to get you to give up on the marriage so she can have your H; and if she can't have that, the second is to give you pain because you are giving her pain by not giving her your H.
> 
> The first has nothing to do with you other than that you're in the way. The second is personal because you won't get out of the way.


Very well put Sigma. Well she can't have him. He's mine. I am not giving up that easy. For now I believe my marriage is worth saving. Time will tell if I am right. 
If she is in pain, too bad. It is nothing compared to what she has done to me. Shame on both of them. 
Peace


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