# Day After DDay of PA: I need encouragement!



## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

Hi, 

I just want to start off by saying that my H and I have opted to reconcile. He has shown genuine remorse. Completely stopped contact with OW. Blocked OW from FB, Gmail, and all other accounts. When he comes home from work tonight, he also said (and he was the one to volunteer this, without me asking) that we will delete all their old files together. To help him and me get past the pain.

He even wants to go to therapy (again i did not ask for this) because he says that he want to "make sure he never does something like this again". 

My problem now is that I can't seem to get past the pain. I keep on obsessing about the whole thing. But is it realistic to expect me to feel a little better already just because he "chose" me?

Background of the entire affair is on this thread.

The only thing is that the truth still hadn't fully come out even after then. I just found out yesterday that the affair was actually a full-blown PA that lasted from August to November (the PA part). This time around he answered all of my questions. He said he understood if I wanted out, but he was still in the relationship and fully-committed to working things out with me.

He only made a commitment to be choose me last Friday (Christmas was actually good) and we both agreed that the past will just be lumped together and only his actions since Friday will count. Not giving him a free pass, but what we mean is that I can't keep on slapping him in the face and punishing him for the past he truly is sorry about.

Problem is, as much as I want to see past the pain. I still get so scared. I also tend to lose focus on the future and in hope.

I need encouragement right now from people who have gone through this and can say that their relationship really did get better eventually. I need to be able to believe that someday I can remember the past not with this amount of pain.

I've actually been in and out of the hospital since yesterday due to inexplicable red rashes and hives (doctor says its allergies). I believe it's all the stress.

Please help me get through this with positive thoughts, and suggestions on how to be a more positive thinker, while doing the right steps to ensure it doesn't happen again.

Thanks in advance to all who will reply.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

All I can say is that I know it can be done. The two of you can have a great relationship again.

It is not easy.

My wife and I managed (with a lot of help) to fully reconcile and fall in love again.
See my story in my signature.

Good luck!


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## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

Thanks Dan!


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Same here we been doing MC every week for two months and instead of drift apart we are on a course to get back together. My hand used to tremble a lot. My daughter had unexpected bleeding and pain in her woman parts. We both were suffering from stress form all this. Our MC had us stop sex too to work on physical and emotion relationship before just diving back into sex and skipping the other. You read my story and with both of us trusting in God we will be of one flesh once again


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Wow I didn't know you live in the Philippines. That is awesome I lived there in 75-78. It is the most beautiful country I lived in. I still love the lumpa and ponsit(spelling). I do hope and pray for the best for you and your husban.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Desperate, 

I understand how you want to now move past the pain and betrayal, declare victory over the OW and celebrate.

But you need to slowdown and make sure the entire fire is out here, including the embers.

How is he going to prove now and in the future that he has no contact with her? Sure he deleted this old contact methods, but this was after he had gone to her and had time with her. He could have easily created secret email accounts you know nothing about.

So - are you putting a keylogger on the PC?

Will you have full access whenever you want and without question to check his phone and online stuff?

Will he be doing anything to share where he is and what he is doing?

As for rules - has he agreed that anything the OW contacts him - that he will immediately TELL you and that he will not respond or delete what she sent to him?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Well I'm on the cheaters side of the coin so I can't claim to know how you feel but I can tell you that 16 months later the relationship between my wife and I is better than it ever has been. She will even go so far as to say, "it was worth it." We're still working on it - I really believe the 2 - 5 year timeline is right. It is possible, hard, but possible.

Edit to add:
Find Almostrecovered's story - thread title something like "2 years ago today" and Geoffry Marsh's story - can't remember the thread title. They are both excellent stories of reconciliation.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

DesperateHeart said:


> He only made a commitment to be choose me last Friday (Christmas was actually good) and we both agreed that the past will just be lumped together and only his actions since Friday will count. Not giving him a free pass, but what we mean is that I can't keep on slapping him in the face and punishing him for the past he truly is sorry about.


He only decided on picking you on Friday and already wants you to not talk about it going forward. He does not want to allow you the right to vent and heal at all. This is not reasonable as it will take years for you to heal. You need to vent and he needs to show remorse by letting you do this.

You are giving him a free pass. He cheated on you for a long time and now wants to move forward as if nothing happened. This is called rug sweeping. No remorse + rug sweeping = he will cheat again.


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## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Desperate,
> 
> I understand how you want to now move past the pain and betrayal, declare victory over the OW and celebrate.
> 
> ...



I guess I can't know if he has secret emails. All the things on your list are checked on mine, except for the keylogger part. I've thought about it but have decided against it for two reasons:

1. I don't feel comfortable going that far.
2. I can't install anything on his office computer. He works in IT and it will obviously be detected! duh?

Right now though, he's very transparent with me regarding passwords, and and sharing in case OW tries to contact him. Thanks for the tip though because I do realize that I have to sit down with him and draw the boundaries more clearly.


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## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Well I'm on the cheaters side of the coin so I can't claim to know how you feel but I can tell you that 16 months later the relationship between my wife and I is better than it ever has been. She will even go so far as to say, "it was worth it." We're still working on it - I really believe the 2 - 5 year timeline is right. It is possible, hard, but possible.
> 
> Edit to add:
> Find Almostrecovered's story - thread title something like "2 years ago today" and Geoffry Marsh's story - can't remember the thread title. They are both excellent stories of reconciliation.


Thanks sigma. It helps to see the hope from the cheater's point of view too. Makes me want to work with him and take baby steps in accepting the trust he's trying to rebuild.


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## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

TRy said:


> He only decided on picking you on Friday and already wants you to not talk about it going forward. He does not want to allow you the right to vent and heal at all. This is not reasonable as it will take years for you to heal. You need to vent and he needs to show remorse by letting you do this.
> 
> You are giving him a free pass. He cheated on you for a long time and now wants to move forward as if nothing happened. This is called rug sweeping. No remorse + rug sweeping = he will cheat again.



Hi TRy, I guess i wasn't clear when i said that we decided to move forward. He is very accepting of my need to talk about it. To ask questions and all that. He did ask me (but only if i could he said) to stop rereading the chat messages that he knew was too hurtful. He says that he's afraid that it's just causing me pain but not really helping at all. But he said that it's only if I agree. I am actually the one who wants to move on. I guess I should listen to you (and him and my sister) to give myself more time. I'm just sick of the hurt right now. I wish it could get better just like that, which is obviously unrealistic.

You're maybe right in me giving him a free pass. But the thing is, it doesn't seem like he's taking it. He really is showing genuine remorse and taking steps to R. He's even raised the option of 1) getting a new job (OW was ex-coworker until she resigned recently) so that he and i won't have to live with memories and 2) move to another country if need be (only #2 because this will take longer). He's floundering around trying to do the right thing. And me...I'm afraid that I feel like even with all his efforts I may never see past the pain and not get over it... Does that make sense?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

DesperateHeart said:


> And me...I'm afraid that I feel like even with all his efforts I may never see past the pain and not get over it... Does that make sense?


Yes it makes perfect sense. Although you both seem to be willing to make the effort, R is never a given. Try as you will, it is not a sure thing that you will be able to get past this. Cheating is a deal breaker for many and may be for you. You need time to figure that out. 

You being the one pushing to give him a free pass, could be you trying to make believe that it never happened. That never works in the long run. Sorry but real R takes time and is very painful. I truly wish you the very best of luck.


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## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

TRy said:


> Try as you will, it is not a sure thing that you will be able to get past this. Cheating is a deal breaker for many and may be for you. You need time to figure that out.
> 
> You being the one pushing to give him a free pass, could be you trying to make believe that it never happened. That never works in the long run. Sorry but real R takes time and is very painful. I truly wish you the very best of luck.


Yes. I am starting to see that now... I thought that before I experienced this I would be out of the door - just like that. Then here I am, fighting my damnedest for R, thinking it can all be sunny someday.

Then now, I'm realizing that maybe my heart will never heal. That maybe I can never stop doubting him and that the resentment over the A, and other forms of neglect piled through the years might be insurmountable. But they're all maybes.

Right now, I obviously still don't know. I guess it's just too early to tell. Will just stick to R for now since we're both in anyway, and see if it improves. Maybe the hurt is still just too much.

Thanks for pointing out my tendency "to make believe it never happened". I do need to process this the right way (completely?) if it is ever going to work. And maybe even if it doesn't i just hope to God I won't slide back to that awful depression....


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

And you might feel comfortable right now wanting to R, and move forward. I felt that way 2 weeks ago ( Dday(s) were in Sept. and Nov. ( having 2 EA's at the same time)........

Yet the past 2 days I feel like I can't hardly breathe, I feel like I'm in a hole and can't crawl out of. I don't feel like I can trust him so I am going to install a keylogger on his computer tomorrow....

It's weird how one week things can be going smooth and you're thinking "this isn't so bad,, I can do this and move on",,,,and the next you're seething and looking at him like he's a stranger and it turns your stomach thinking of him. And thinking " How in the h*ll could he of done this to me"???? 

Sorry,, I know you wanted encouragement,,,, and I ended up venting to you... But it is WAY too soon for you to have a final decision on if it's gonna work or not.... He may be remorseful and all compliant on the whole issue... But now the ball is in YOUR court.... Can you trust him again? Can you forgive? Can you move forward? Can you live with what he did TO YOU?


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## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

Numb in Ohio said:


> Sorry,, I know you wanted encouragement,,,, and I ended up venting to you... But it is WAY too soon for you to have a final decision on if it's gonna work or not.... He may be remorseful and all compliant on the whole issue... But now the ball is in YOUR court.... Can you trust him again? Can you forgive? Can you move forward? Can you live with what he did TO YOU?


Hey, misery loves company...right? 

As for the questions... Good luck to us both on finding out we can. I hope in my heart we can move forward and truly forgive. Maybe, just maybe, that hope will help see me through. I pray it will, not just for our kids, but for me and my H too... I hope the same for you.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Please don't take this as being sarcastic,,,

But I think you already have your mind set at R,, and no one can change that... and you sound positive enough for yourself and a few other people all combined....

IMO you are deciding too quick (just one day after Dday-I was numb for a month after, and my H's were only EA's) I do not think I could of forgave a PA that was more than a one night stand. I may not even make it past his EA's,,, we all "love" our spouses that cheated,,, yet they didn't love or respect us enough to not do it in the first place,,, so sometimes "love" isn't enough to keep couples together. 

I do hope it works out for you, if that's what you decide,,, just give it some time to sink in. You may feel totally different in 2 weeks or even a month or 2 down the road.


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## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

Numb in Ohio said:


> ,,, just give it some time to sink in. You may feel totally different in 2 weeks or even a month or 2 down the road.


I take it at it is. The very reason why i post here is to also get other peoples POV. I know how bullheaded I can be.

To be honest though, today is me believing less and less that I can get past it. Perhaps exactly why i wanted encouragement. :scratchhead:

You are right though, I do need more time for it to sink in. I guess I'm just the type of person who lets it all hang. So I type as I think. One minute i'm 100% for R. The next i'm 100% resentful of my H. Thankful I have this forum to vent out my endless confused thoughts.... at least people mean well and don't judge...even if I'm sure you feel like i'm being stupid.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

In no way do I think you are being stupid............I never meant it to sound that way........I have my bad days and I probably shouldn't of spoke up to you the way I did.......I apologize.....

Was having an anger day yesterday


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Desperate.
Go Gently on yourself. I know it is tempting to want to sweep it all away in the start. I know it is a huge relief to see that person you loved again. 
Like others here I would not rush into R. You can commit to the process but not the end result at this stage. There is a lot of pain for you to deal with and with that your Husband must be able to deal with it too. 
Just go slowly. Don't gve too much of yourself at this point because you may find yourself with a freshly broken heart that is just as painful as the first time. Each time you are betrayed love dies.


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## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

ing said:


> Desperate.
> *Go Gently on yourself. I know it is tempting to want to sweep it all away in the start. I know it is a huge relief to see that person you loved again.*
> 
> Listening to you all about this. I have to CONSTANTLY remind myself though. I get what you mean. Even H is telling me to go gently. He says I should just let me feel my pain and he'll take it because he deserves it and really wants to make this work. Was feeling kinda doing some hysterical bonding last night, but he just held my face and looked in my eyes. I guess he saw the fear (which I know is soooo inside me) that it would still to be painful for me. Explained to me how he wanted me (and that our best days are better than theirs YAY Me!:smthumbup: Hell...we started in college when teenage hormones will let you do anything!), but that unless I was 100% sure he won't force it. He was right. I just wanted to do rug sweeping, pretend it didn't matter, but knew that if it got further I was already feeling like clenching up and getting sick, replaying things in my head. I keep trying to either rug sweep or fix things right away. H looks like he's getting the process more than I do and just sits and holds me even as I push away. I still hope this crazy me is over sooner than later. I'm getting sick of myself more than the whole issue!
> ...


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

The process I suppose is something I am not experience with. 
There are lots of people here who have successfully reconciled so I know its possible! 
Your H sounds like he is doing all the right things. This is fantastic and I wish you well.
just take it easy okay. I was dragged though fake R so many times that I am a little suspicious of it!


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Just take it a day at a time. One thing you should know. You will have bad days for quite a while. And when they are bad they will be BAD. But the bad days will eventually become further and further apart. You will have more and more good days between the bad ones. That is how this works. As long as your H is fully committed to R and you are as well you can make it. I think what ing is saying is that you need to feel every part of the process and not rug sweep or repress your feelings.

If metaphors work for you think of it like climbing a mountain. You know when you get to the peak you will feel accomplishment. You will see a wonderfully breathtaking panoramic view. But you don't focus on the peak while your climbing. You look at your next step to make sure you aren't going to stumble knowing eventually you'll get there.


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## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

Thanks ing. He does sound good. It's me that being horrid and sucky right now.

Beowulf - It's funny you should mention bad days, because I've been absolutely having the worst time since last night. Can't seem to get past the anger. And when it subsides even a bit, I feel so hurt and scared. So I get mad again! Then I get mad at myself for bot being able to control my anger. Then I feel guilty. Then I just get more frustrated for whining! AM ABSOLUTELY SICK OF MYSELF RIGHT NOW!!!! UGh.

H didn't even bother going to work today, probably because of me. Still says he's giving me free pass because I need to let it all out. How much will he be able to take of me when I can't take myself anymore???

I just somehow have to believe you all when you say that there will be less of these days. It has to be true, doesn't it?

Sorry, typing my thoughts as they come....

Sigh...

Thanks for the rant. Amd feeling a bit more calm now.


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