# Did details HURT or help HEAL???



## beachbabe (May 11, 2012)

Okay...moral dilemma here. 

I have a chance to SEE and READ all the texts between them!! 

Its been 3 years after and I'm still consumed with the nagging questions of what they "really" talked about. (H had an emotional affair with OW) H is most forcoming with details but he also doesn't want to hurt me so I fear they are too vague for me. 

I also know that the OW is never going to go away as I feel she is in love with him and is waiting for a weak moment between us although she married.

There are many reasons I would want to know but mainly...I WANT THE ADVANTAGE OF KNOWING WHAT SHE SAID TO MY HUSBAND SO ITS NOT JUST BETWEEN THEM!!!

Our marriage has been very good post DD so there's the fear of finding out 'to much' and being at square one again trying to rebuild our marriage.

*WOULD YOU GO FOR IT OR LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE?????*


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

beachbabe said:


> Okay...moral dilemma here.
> 
> I have a chance to SEE and READ all the texts between them!!
> 
> ...


I'd do it.

Also, you mentioned that OW is still sort of in the picture... who is she? Is your husband still actively communicating w/ her? Does her husband know about her EA w/ your husband?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

For me personally, having transcripts of what was discussed between my WW and OM would be a Godsend. It took almost three years to get the confession, and I still wonder what exactly was said. I wonder what was said about me, WW claims nothing bad was ever said (insert eye roll)!! I would read them, I would read them to your husband, but that's me, as I know I got the "nice" filtered version.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I think they might help in your situation. Details always hurt. They hurt to confess and they hurt to hear.

Sometimes they help but that is up to the BS to decide.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

drifting on said:


> For me personally, having transcripts of what was discussed between my WW and OM would be a Godsend. It took almost three years to get the confession, and I still wonder what exactly was said. I wonder what was said about me, *WW claims nothing bad was ever said (insert eye roll)!!* I would read them, I would read them to your husband, but that's me, as I know I got the "nice" filtered version.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Yup, i heard that too, lol. Highly doubtful.

The first time 'round for me, I read the entire chat convo between my ex and his CL ***** WHILE it was happening (I was signed into his gmail account and he didn't know it). The initial meet, the talk about sex acts, personal grooming, no condom please, where and went to meet, and the "bye, see ya soon." (Also, no pics exchanged, triple ick). I was aware of what time he probably arrived to the residence (where she was babysitting and the baby was asleep), when it was happening, and when he probably left.

I'm not glad I have that information stored in my brain, nor am I glad to have details about the sex between him and his current OW, especially when he nastily compares her to me in terms of physique/body type.

Everyone is different, though. Some people crave details to heal, some people are damaged by them. Only you can truly know which type of person you are, but there is no right or wrong answer.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

....you know yourself better than us. Assume the worst and ask yourself if you could continue with your husband after reading the words in print. Not everyone is able to deal with such things. When guys get into EAs they spout off a bunch of stuff they do not really mean, although the printed words make it seem like they do.

Maybe let a trusted friend read them after providing that person with an outline of what you already know. They could then tell you if anything in print differs vastly from what you already know.....good luck.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Well, one thing I can tell you is that getting all the details eliminates the BS's speculation about what, when and why. The BS knows what he's trying to forgive if R is attempted - and just as important, the WS knows too.

But, it's an individual decision. Some want to know everything; others little or nothing.

Me; I wanted to know everything. I spent 12 hours reading through 3500 recovered e-mails from the POSOM - that spanned a year and a half. It was brutal; but I don't regret it and I don't lie awake at night wondering what else they might have done.

The POSOM's wife? I sent the e-mails to her and she wouldn't read a one. She prefers to bury her head in the sand.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Let sleeping dogs sleep.

If you want your marriage to continue, then you want to move on, forgive him completely, and drop all anger. What are the upside and down side of learning what your spouses EA or PA said? Will learning what they said help you trust your spouse more? Will learning what the Other person said allow you to better forgive yuor spouse? Will learning what the O Person said help you drop all anger? No guarantee on any of those.

So ask yourself what is so darn important to you about learning more and will it help in the reconciliation? At some point you need to take it on faith that your spouse has learned their lesson and when they said they won't do it again, they means it. That doesn't mean you can't check in on them periodically, or that they gets to keep new secrets from you. It just means you and your spouse have a trust relationship to rebuild. 

Let go fo the past and get on with the future.

Good luck to you.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BTW. Was the other woman's husband informed?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

the details helped me because in my mind I had it worse then it was
confirmed through VAR and recovered texts and emails


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

It's going hurt you to read them, but once the hurt happens, you'll be able to start healing... if you don't see them, you'll be wondering about it forever. And that will torture you, and it might cause bigger problems down the line.

Everybody says that you need total transparency for a relationship to recover from an affair. If your H is refusing to give you all the information or is being vague under the guise of "protecting your feelings," he's not being totally transparent. If he wants your trust again, he needs to answer all your questions honestly, and he needs to turn over everything that you ask for. I think he's afraid that you'll leave him if you know everything. So his transparency will alleviate that fear for him as well (because when all is revealed, the other shoe will drop, you'll either stay or leave, and he'll have his answer), he just doesn't realize that. EVERYTHING needs to be out in the open.

And if the OW is still in your circles, she is still a threat, and you deserve to know EVERYTHING if that is what you want/need in order to arm yourself fully. His being vague about what happened means that he is protecting himself, and he is protecting the OW, which YOU and YOUR MARRIAGE need to be his priority. If he's not willing to give that to you, I'm not sure he's totally on board.


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## nightmare01 (Oct 3, 2014)

Everyone is different in the way we process things.

I'm a detail orientated guy and I needed to know what exactly I was forgiving and living with. Without those details my mind would have always picked at what I didn't know - trying to put the pieces together and make sense of it.

You say yourself that not knowing is bothering you. So in your case I say GET the information and go through it piece by piece, put it together so that it makes sense to your mind.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

@beachbabe, I would read them. The questions will always be there. And, if you see her at some point, there is ALWAYS that chance she may try to taunt you, thinking you know nothing. If you don't know the content, she will see it in your eyes, your exoression, even if if is fleeting. You can say you know all about it, but she will know the truth. It is still weighing on you, even 3 years later. Read them and put it to rest. 

I think we had this discussion before, when you first joined. I saw the majority of my husband's texts. Some, I still have nagging questions about, but only because they were gone before I could see them. If I could, I absolutely would. Do I trust my husband, now? Yes. Does he trust me? Yes. Would I still, after three years have now passed, and we are in a good place in our marriage, want to read those missing texts? Absolutely, 100%, without a question, I would want to.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Details usually hurt.

But for me, they also would help heal in the long run.

What you imagine is usually worse than what is. Not always... but often.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Yup, i heard that too, lol. Highly doubtful.
> 
> The first time 'round for me, I read the entire chat convo between my ex and his CL ***** WHILE it was happening (I was signed into his gmail account and he didn't know it). The initial meet, the talk about sex acts, personal grooming, no condom please, where and went to meet, and the "bye, see ya soon." (Also, no pics exchanged, triple ick). I was aware of what time he probably arrived to the residence (where she was babysitting and the baby was asleep), when it was happening, and when he probably left.
> 
> ...


 
Completely agree, each of us are different, each feels pain, but what may bother or hurt me more may not be as painful to you. We all react differently, the answer is within you, do you need to know the extent of the affair? In my case I chose to reconcile, but along with that came the I need to know what was discussed between the two of them. I didn't ask for the details of sex, I think I can get the idea there. But the emotional part, how much did they love each other? How often was it said? Did you plan to leave? This is what I will never know, the extent of their emotional connection. I believe a lot of answers reside in what was discussed. But that's me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

She sent what she thought were secret messages to your husband. If you read them, they are no longer secret. Blow up their secrets and find out exactly what happened. If you don't, you will wish you had. You will know the truth. It will hurt and things may get worse for a while between you and your husband, but it will be worth it.
Further, your husband is putting you above the other women by giving this to you. Take it.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

CynthiaDe said:


> Further, your husband is putting you above the other women by giving this to you. Take it.


Good point.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

So is your husband giving you these messages? or does he know you've got access? why did it take 3 years?

if they are from him, I would assume he's had a lot of time to delete the bad ones, or modify them.

or, if you have another way (old phone you found?), and he doesn't know, it would be interesting to see if he wants to 'fess up before you read them.


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## nightmare01 (Oct 3, 2014)

If you stay in the relationship one of your lingering thoughts will likely be - am I first in [his/her] heart?

Who wants to be in second place? Who wants to be the "well if I can't have AP, then I guess I'll stay with BS"?

You will probably always wonder about this question if you don't look at the evidence. A WS will always lie when it comes to answering this question, and when evidence has been deleted or is not available the WS can easily get away with that lie. 

So read those texts. My only thought is that I wonder if you really do have all the texts.. and maybe more was said via some other channel.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ReidWright said:


> So is your husband giving you these messages? or does he know you've got access? why did it take 3 years?
> 
> *if they are from him, I would assume he's had a lot of time to delete the bad ones, or modify them.*
> 
> or, if you have another way (old phone you found?), and he doesn't know, it would be interesting to see if he wants to 'fess up before you read them.


Yep.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

beachbabe said:


> Its been 3 years after and I'm still consumed with the nagging questions of what they "really" talked about. (H had an emotional affair with OW) ...........................
> 
> *WOULD YOU GO FOR IT OR LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE?????*


It would be a set-back in the short-term, but worth it in the long-term. You will feel like [email protected] for the next 24 hours, but some of the lingering questions that keep replaying in your head will be answered. If you are not 100% sure that it was only an EA, you might find your answer. 

For me, it was not a choice. I could not stop myself from finding out as much information as I could.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> It's going hurt you to read them, but once the hurt happens, you'll be able to start healing... if you don't see them, you'll be wondering about it forever. And that will torture you, and it might cause bigger problems down the line.
> 
> Everybody says that you need total transparency for a relationship to recover from an affair. If your H is refusing to give you all the information or is being vague under the guise of "protecting your feelings," he's not being totally transparent. If he wants your trust again, he needs to answer all your questions honestly, and he needs to turn over everything that you ask for. I think he's afraid that you'll leave him if you know everything. So his transparency will alleviate that fear for him as well (because when all is revealed, the other shoe will drop, you'll either stay or leave, and he'll have his answer), he just doesn't realize that. EVERYTHING needs to be out in the open.
> 
> And if the OW is still in your circles, she is still a threat, and you deserve to know EVERYTHING if that is what you want/need in order to arm yourself fully. His being vague about what happened means that he is protecting himself, and he is protecting the OW, which YOU and YOUR MARRIAGE need to be his priority. If he's not willing to give that to you, I'm not sure he's totally on board.



I agree with this ^ 

I HAD to uncover everything I could, I am just wired that way. My whole world was upended and I needed to know exactly what happened, not a liars version of it. 

It was painful, but so is wondering and filling in the blanks in your head. I am sure you have imagined what was said in conversations...It is obviously still on your mind to some degree or you wouldn't be torn about the decision.

The thing that would bother me the most is that the OW is still lurking.

Sorry you have to deal with this, I hope whatever you decide you continue to heal.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I wanted to hsve no details. At all.

However, everyone is different and I sense you might need them?


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## beachbabe (May 11, 2012)

I loved that everyone took the time to answer my questions. What terrific insights. 

The moral issue is that I found my H old cell and with forensic analysis, everything can be obtained! ($$$) My H did tell me that they talked about me, sex and their personal lives. She apparently was after him for years and got him when he was weak. (we were near separation at the time) 

We are doing SO well that, that the other dilehma is, that I could ruin that! Reading their texts could seriously set me back. But curiousity is killing me too. He regrets ever having contact with her and will cry with me. He's not a crier either. After all these years he has more than proved that.

Thanks to everyone who said they were sorry I was going thru this. So sweet. So in return, I too, am sorry you all are going through this too. It's so sad, isn't it?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

beachbabe said:


> I loved that everyone took the time to answer my questions. What terrific insights.
> 
> The moral issue is that I found my H old cell and with forensic analysis, everything can be obtained! ($$$) My H did tell me that they talked about me, sex and their personal lives. She apparently was after him for years and got him when he was weak. (we were near separation at the time)
> 
> ...


Again, go for it. If you don't, you'll always wonder about whether or not you got the full truth, especially w/ respect to whether or not the affair ever went physical, how long it lasted, etc. And that will haunt you. TRUST ME.

You might also learn enough about him that you come to realize that any tears that he's shed in the years since were little more than crocodile tears.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

beachbabe said:


> The moral issue is that I found my H old cell and with forensic analysis, everything can be obtained! ($$$)


there are many undelete programs for ~$70 that will do the trick. most have free trials that will show you what's there, but you just can't save it to your computer without the full program. 

Read the messages for closure. If your husband was truthful, it could help you heal further. And if he lied...well, then you'd know what you're really dealing with here.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

beachbabe said:


> I loved that everyone took the time to answer my questions. What terrific insights.
> 
> The moral issue is that I found my H old cell and with forensic analysis, everything can be obtained! ($$$) My H did tell me that they talked about me, sex and their personal lives. She apparently was after him for years and got him when he was weak. (we were near separation at the time)
> 
> ...


Being able to read what is on his phone is like third party verification to what he has told you, especially if he doesn't realize that you have it. You can't believe a liar, but you can see what really happened by reading the texts.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

beachbabe said:


> We are doing SO well that, that the other dilehma is, that I could ruin that! Reading their texts could seriously set me back. But curiousity is killing me too. He regrets ever having contact with her and will cry with me. He's not a crier either. After all these years he has more than proved that.
> 
> Thanks to everyone who said they were sorry I was going thru this. So sweet. So in return, I too, am sorry you all are going through this too. It's so sad, isn't it?


BB- glad that you guys are doing well. It sounds to me like this will continue to eat at you if you don't? If correct- that is a problem as well that could come back to bite you.

I would need to know... exactly what I'm being asked to forgive. My imagination would not let me rest. 

If you found something that is worse than you expect or outside of what he has told you- then YOU haven't ruined anything.

Good luck


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I think if I was absolutely sure there was only ONE person and he had told me "enough" (i.e. we had sex multiple times, we did talk about you, etc.), I would NOT want to read the gory details.

However, if I were unsure about if I had obtained the whole truth (i.e. if I thought there might be other women or if he said it never went physical and I suspected it did), I would probably read the texts.

I guess it depends on how much info you did get from him and how much you believe it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

For some it helps to know and for some it does not. The problem is you often don't know for sure which one you are until it's too late. And then you obviously can't unring that bell. 

Details hurt -- a lot -- but some people need them. I didn't.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Openminded said:


> For some it helps to know and for some it does not. The problem is you often don't know for sure which one you are until it's too late. And then you obviously can't unring that bell.
> 
> *Details hurt -- a lot -- but some people need them. I didn't.*


 @Openminded, I think some background would be helpful to go along w/ the statement in bold...

You divorced after catching your husband in a second affair w/ the same OW, and 30 years after the first affair... correct?

Did you ask for any details after catching him the first time? I could see how you wouldn't ask for any the second time around because... well, you chose to divorce him. Most folks will have a different set of rules when they're looking to reconcile.

Food for thought, IMO.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Gus, that's correct. My ex-husband never admitted to anything that I didn't have absolute proof for. What I did learn in the way of details (both times -- when I decided to R and when I decided to get out) hurt tremendously and I wish I hadn't known more than the fact that he cheated. Some people do need to know but often dealing with the knowledge is a difficult thing. In my case, I had painful triggers for decades based on the details I had learned when I was trying to figure out what was going on so I'm grateful I didn't find out all he did.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

beachbabe said:


> Its been 3 years after and I'm still consumed with the nagging questions of what they "really" talked about. (H had an emotional affair with OW) H is most forcoming with details but he also doesn't want to hurt me so I fear they are too vague for me.


If it was me I would do it, because I could not live with not doing it. The fact that you are still consumed says it all.


beachbabe said:


> *WOULD YOU GO FOR IT OR LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE?????*


If you are consumed by it, the dog is not sleeping.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

While my WW waited almost three years to confess, I went crazy, and I mean crazy. Some of the things your mind can do are absolutely amazing, and not in a good way. I became paranoid, depressed, suicidal, and thought everyone was out to get me personally. After she confessed it brought out all new problems for me. 

How deep emotionally were they? What did they discuss? Did they plan on running away together? How did they talk about their spouses? Did they both trash me or just one of them? Did they end each conversation or day with I love you? Did they love each other? Just how much time did they think of each other? 

I could go on for days, and I know I get the watered down nice version of all their conversations. If it were me I would read them, I would need to know, but that's my opinion. You have stated this could possibly send you back to square one, so I guess the question is really, do you need to know or would this damage you too much? But you have the opportunity to know what the relationship was, and I would have wanted that more then anything. That would have possibly saved me from crazy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beachbabe (May 11, 2012)

I'm so impressed with everyones thoughts on this subject. I appreciate everyone one of them. But I have to say it truly saddens me all the pain is still very evident in your responses.  When will this pain truly go away???? That is a whole other thread I'm sure.

I have to say that I've had a good couple of years. I made the concious effort to block all thoughts of her if they came into my head. It was like I was inviting her in my home, my job, and my bed.(heaven forbid!!) I was determined NOT have that. And I was the happier for it. We both were. 

I think that is why I'm so conflicted about it.

One thing for sure, I will definitely have the upper hand (in my head, at least) if I read all her texts. After all, he is MY husband!! And how dare her...


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

To me infidelity was an invasion on my marriage. I don't take lightly to that. What was difficult to accept is the WS allowed and in some cases welcomed the invasion. Mildly put, war was enacted at my front door, and I chose to enter this badly. I had no knowledge, I was in shock and disbelief, everything around me destroyed as I surveyed the ruins. It is a world like no other, nothing but pain, sadness, despair, hopelessness, and doubting your every move. 

Your life as you knew it changed forever, you are changed forever, your marriage is changed. So much information to process and digest, you wonder where your strength will come from. You walk around and go through the motions for a few weeks, an empty shell of what and you were. Your beliefs, self esteem, and confidence destroyed in one big swoop. You have no idea who your WS is anymore. 

You become angry and have fits of rage, your thoughts turn to what you never thought possible. You spend most of your days in rage, wondering if its even possible to be happy again. 

You are given choices you never should have had to make. Do I divorce or do I reconcile? Do we enter IC and MC? Can I accept this affair? Can I get past this affair? Does my spouse have it in them to reconcile? Can we accept who we are after we've changed? Will I still be in love with my spouse after the changes? 

Reconciliation is the most difficult work I've ever done. The most painful by far. I'm sure divorce is painful too. I have struggled through this and not a day goes by that I can say was easy. I'm told the pain isn't as sharp as time goes by, but I will forever be hurt by infidelity. That pain will stay if I divorce or reconcile, it's something I believe stays with you for life. I also believe the pain is measured by how you deal with it. What you do to heal and time will make this hurt less, but it's still there, somewhere.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Beachbabe,
You are gazing at an emotional IED either way.

You state your marriage has been good so far, FWH has been answering all your questions but feel OW is still in the prowl for your husband. You have nagging doubts, a curiosity that you want satisfied to give you power over the OW and end the tormenting speculation for yourself. Is this correct?

From my POV, 4 years since DDay TODAY...I wish I had not read the details found in emails. Within the month after Dday my husband was not forthcoming with details, answering questions, gaslit, rug swept, TTed to the hilt. I felt I had no other choice. So I read them after he mistakenly revealed his password. He was very angry that I accessed his private messages but didn't delete them immediately either; it took me days to read 5 years worth of them. 

And did what they reveal tell me anything to help me heal? Absolutely not. I already knew he "thought" he loved her but had no intention of running off with her...she was simply a f**k buddy, an escape from the dysfunctional marriage he was unwilling to address. I already knew he "thought" he had fallen out of love with me...its how he justified the A. I learned from OWs husband that the affair lasted 6 years not 1 as he told me. Once I knew that, I realized everything that a LTA means: how long he had disrespected me, cake-ate, and deceived. My respect for him and myself plummeted. You get the picture. I did not have to read the details to understand that.

How did reading the details hurt me? Immensely...I now have triggers about events, places, acts, dates, etc I would not have had if I hadn't read them. After 4 years, I still struggle to suppress them and expect that to be my reality to the day I die. My own home and bed are triggers. The emails revealed nothing to help me heal...only a WS who is willing to do ALL they are required to heal the BS and time can heal the broken heart and spirit that results from a betrayal of an infidelity. 

I did, eventually over the years, find out the truth as my FWH cooperated more by answering the questions I asked him and ironically through the OW as she continued to contact him and I intercepted those attempts. Her taunts were very revealing. But reading the emails had nothing to do with the *meaningful* reality. Hypervigilance has its benefits, especially in cases like ours when the OW is still actively fishing and determined to break up the marriage. I am still vigilant even though her last attempt was in Feb, 2015, nearly 4 years after their A ended.

My husband and I are in R, but it has not been easy because of his attempts to bury the truth, my triggering over those details I read and the continual prowling of his OW. Like many WSs, when the affair fog lifted, he realized he did love me and has been remorseful, ashamed and determined to make amends and rebuild our marriage. The only problem now is that his way and my way to do that do not coincide, but that's a topic for another thread.

BOTTOM LINE: While the concensus here on CWI seems to be READ THEM!, I would counsel you to consider very deeply what more they could possibly tell you that you don't already know or can intuit, or find out by intelligent questioning. True, your imagination can create demons that torment you, but why not ask your husband himself when you find yourself speculating? Let him slay each and every demon that arises...he owes you that. Its called heavy lifting, consequences. Certainly he may lie to protect himself, but if, as you say, you have restored a measure of trust in your marriage, at some point you are just going to have to take his word for it and move on. However, stay vigilant! Never let your guard down. Never feel guilty for it either. Good luck.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

You can only move forward. You can't have back what was before the affair. You have to build something new.

The pain recedes in time. And the triggers recede too.


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## BeAnOcean (Jun 26, 2015)

For me I needed to read the details so I could stop playing the mind movies in my head. I was imagining so many different things & reading what I did helped to clear up some of the mystery. I read them, recovered more off of his phone and then I made him sit there while I read everyone that I chose to bring up. He was deeply ashamed at the actions/words that he said & done. Reading the details helped rip him out of the "fog" of his not remembering detail so he didn't have to own up to what a sorry, despicable, needy, pitiful, gullible and sad sack of ****e he had been during the A with the c*mdumpster.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

The mind movies still play whether you know the details or not.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

allwillbewell said:


> The mind movies still play whether you know the details or not.




Here is what I have discovered about mind movies, they are so brutally painful that leave you in a rage. I would become so angry I could literally feel my blood boil, you become hot and every muscle constricts causing more pain. I would go out to the garage and throw everything I could pick up. With mind movies it doesn't matter what you know or what you don't know, you picture them screaming and flailing. You picture the most intense orgasm they have ever had, it's how we are wired, we picture the worst because this is the worst betrayal we could ever go through. 

This is so hard to write, I pictured his hands all over my wife, my f---ing WIFE!!! I hate this!!!! What could I have ever done to deserve this!!! These movies replay in your head over and over, the pain so intense you wish death was coming now. I saved myself for marriage and this is what happens!!?? I questioned everything about myself, from being a man to questioning if I was even human anymore. The entire time the movie just keeps playing like I have no control over my brain. I wish that for one instance I could go back into time, to my twin sons birth to feel happiness just once more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

drifting on.

I still think you should have divorced and gotten the hell away from her.

You don't strike me as healthy.

I don't blame you for the pain, that is all on your WW.

You really don't and shouldn't keep going through it.

Life is short and painful enough without so much bvllshyt that you don't deserve.

You gotta find a way past/through it to strength and health.

Your posts do not reflect that your choice to R was a healthy one.

Peace.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beachbabe (May 11, 2012)

Damned if I do, damned if I don't...great. 

Time to start healing again... 

Just noticed today his Cell phone is very damaged. I can't even charge it. Its going to cost more money to access the SMS and pics. I have a decision to make here?!

Allwillbewell...you helped me see that if I can't access it, that might be okay too


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> drifting on.
> 
> I still think you should have divorced and gotten the hell away from her.
> 
> ...




ConanHub,

When the mind movies were at their worst that was exactly how I felt. I have moved forward to a point I'm not in as much pain but I am still in pain, if that makes sense. I feel I will have pain until I am no longer on earth, but I would be if I divorced too. What I posted was how I felt the first three months after d-day. I just find it cathartic to write it out. Of course being here is very helpful, everyone knows just what you are saying, they've gone through it too. By the way, I think you are a great poster with much to offer, I know your posts have helped me immensely. Much respect to you, I hope you don't plan on leaving here any time soon.

Beachbabe, sorry for the thread jack.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

beachbabe said:


> Damned if I do, damned if I don't...great.
> 
> Time to start healing again...
> 
> ...



Beachbabe,

Damned if you do and damned if you don't, says it all doesn't it? The not knowing nearly killed me, knowing nearly killed me, so what are BS to do? We learn, we come here and spill our feelings, then a poster makes you see from a different perspective. A side we never thought of, from someone who knows how you feel. I know this much, if I had all of their conversations recorded it would be devastating to me. But the not knowing, the doubt would end, I would know what I feel I need to know. As the not knowing has destroyed me in different ways. Best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

I think a lot about a BS wanting to read emails to uncover the details of the infidelity has to do with regaining control over our own lives. Here we are in a situation that for a long time was completely out of our control. Our WSs had a second life that we were not a part of. Their actions/decisions excluded us when we assumed that we were partners; our belief in our marriages was based on unity: the two shall become one. Infidelity explodes that belief system and we flail around grasping for anything that will put it back together; make sense to our destroyed sense of self that surely included our spouses. 

Reading/viewing the details seems like a good idea to recover that part of our spouses that obviously we didn't know. But it is a two edged sword: for those BSs who view infidelity as a dealbreaker, it can be the last nail in the coffin. The truth about their spouse's character convinces them that divorce is their only option. But for any BS who is resolved to continue the marriage, or even undecided, it can be permanently damaging to reconciliation, and hinder personal and relational healing and moving on. 

The truth is I feel I could forgive my spouse for choosing infidelity, due to the condition of our marriage at the time, but some of the things I learned in the emails I am finding hard to forgive. The Devil is in the details as they say.


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## beachbabe (May 11, 2012)

allwillbewell said:


> Reading/viewing the details seems like a good idea to recover that part of our spouses that obviously we didn't know. But it is a two edged sword: for those BSs who view infidelity as a dealbreaker, it can be the last nail in the coffin. The truth about their spouse's character convinces them that divorce is their only option. But for any BS who is resolved to continue the marriage, or even undecided, it can be permanently damaging to reconciliation, and hinder personal and relational healing and moving on.


 Love it!!!

Ignorance is bliss...

When I found that stinking cell of his, I went into full blown trigger mode. I got quiet, moody and sad...all at the same time. For 2 weeks I've been struggling with myself, whether I should get that data that I NEEDED.

I needed??? I NEEDED?? Seriously! 
Yes it would give me the 'inside' track to their quote, unquote: Relationship. (gag) I could see every sorted detail and their thought process. And for what??!!
BUT its been 3 freaking years!!! I've worked SO hard to fall in love and trust my WH and he has too! Trust me, he's done the leg work!! I'm sure anyone here who has stayed with a BS, can say its NO picnic. The ups and downs! It takes a very serious WS to stay and deal with the mess that comes with cheating. (dont need any comments about how they had it coming...trust me; a WS who is truly sorry knows ALL about what they have coming!) 

Ignorance IS bliss.. IF ITS OUR CHOICE!!!
Before it wasn't. I did not know! I was completely in the dark. SO not my choice. This is a concious choice; either way. 

(So, will I drop it? Probably not.  I will probably call today to get the quote on an extraction of info from a damaged cell phone. yada yada
**BUT and this is a huge BUT, I might decide NOT to torture myself with the bull**** that's on there. I pray I won't.) 

Its all about gaining control... AGAIN! Having that cell in my hot mittens, does have a certain comfort.

Sadly:frown2: 

....ignorance is bliss....ignorance is bliss....


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

Getting the transcript will really consume you, but you need them. And I'd save them for future reference. 

Prepare for pain and resentment (unless for some odd reason they are lighter than you imagine). You need these dialogues in your corner, in the event you ever start noticing similar behavior or worse enter into a separation.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

beachbabe said:


> There are many reasons I would want to know but mainly...I WANT THE ADVANTAGE OF KNOWING WHAT SHE SAID TO MY HUSBAND SO ITS NOT JUST BETWEEN THEM!!!


Without the details, you don't even know what you forgave... How do you built a reconciliation on that? He may of said things that to YOU were unforgivable. You also have to get the details so you know what he is capable of. People who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Remember that. Get as much as you can, match up what was said to the timeline, learn the red flags, be proactive on his activities, don't stick your head in the sand and hope he doesn't rip your heart out again. Don't be a fool.



drifting on said:


> To me infidelity was an invasion on my marriage. I don't take lightly to that. What was difficult to accept is the WS allowed and in some cases welcomed the invasion.


In some cases? No my friend, in ALL cases. The WS is complicate in spreading her legs and begging the OM to plow her. Let me take your invasion analogy a step further. The spouse actively aides the invader, gives up all your secrets and conspires against you. It is treachery of the worst kind from the person your were supposed to trust THE MOST. 



drifting on said:


> Reconciliation is the most difficult work I've ever done. The most painful by far. I'm sure divorce is painful too. I have struggled through this and not a day goes by that I can say was easy. I'm told the pain isn't as sharp as time goes by, but I will forever be hurt by infidelity. That pain will stay if I divorce or reconcile, it's something I believe stays with you for life.


I choose not to reconcile but you are correct it will still haunt you either way. I simply refused to give anymore of my heart to someone who had just plunged a machete threw it. Someone capable of that does not deserve my loyalty and I deserve better. I won't spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder. I'd choose to put down the sack of bricks and walk away. I don't regret the decision for one second.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

beachbabe said:


> Love it!!!
> 
> Ignorance is bliss...
> 
> ...


One of two things will happen should you read through the texts...

1. You'll discover that you husband was honest w/ you in terms of communicating the details of his relationship w/ OW. You might find some small discrepancies here and there, or possibly some things that he'd genuinely forgotten about, but, for the most part, you'll at long last be able to truly KNOW that he was truthful w/ you. Wow. HUGE sigh of relief, right?

2. Alternately, you may discover that your husband lied to you about MULTIPLE things. For example, maybe the affair went physical at some point. Maybe it was physical for longer than it wasn't. Maybe they met in your house. Maybe at some point she became pregnant w/ his child and either terminated the pregnancy or passed it off as her husband's or boyfriend's child. Maybe he told her that you were onto them and, in a last-ditch effort to hold onto their relationship, he sent her a hidden e-mail address or burner cell phone number that she could use to continue talking w/ him. Would discovering that any of that is true change your decision to stay in your marriage?

The bottom line is that you won't know until you look... which, again, I'd advise you to do.


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

I grilled my wife for months, maybe a year. I needed to know what happened down to every detail. That was three years ago. The pain caused by the details is excruciating. I really wish I could unhear the details. But knowing myself, I would have never been satisfied until I got what I believed to be the whole story of events.


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## MrCoffeePls (Jun 26, 2015)

It sounds like you have a difficult decision to make. I am wondering if you and your husband have sought counseling to work through the affair? 

Infidelity was a part of my marriage and one of the best things we did as a couple was to seek counselors who could help us through the disclosure process, healing and rebuilding. 

Initially, there were many details I wanted to know. However, with the guidance of my counselor I chose to focus on things I needed to know from a safety perspective and to build trust. I am really grateful now that I don't know every little detail, because it is hard to erase those details once we know. 

I would highly encourage you to seek out support in the disclosure process. I hope you can find support as well through healing. 

Sincerely,


mrcoffeepls


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## autopilot (Mar 16, 2012)

You know the old saying about opening a wound that has healed...sort of like constantly picking at a scab...it never heals unless you leave it alone.

Same can be applied to your case. You've said yourself that you have had two really good years post-discovery. Why go back through all that old baggage once more and back to a place where you or your husband no longer are? It's in the past. Leave it there and don't ruin the good thing you have going now.

I would put that phone in a safe deposit box only to be used if you suspect or discover future EA or PA from your husband. Then, you can find out the historical context of the past EA to glean an understanding of that current EA or PA. Remember what they also say that history has a way of repeating itself. In that context will the knowledge of the 3-year-old EA be useful. In your current situation, not so much.


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## Papillon (Jun 26, 2013)

I have a VAR recording of my H and the OW which causese deep pain every time I even think about it. 

Did the recording help me understand their relationship better? Yes. Did it cause me excruciating emotional pain in the process? YES. Do I wish I hadn't made the recording? Yes and no. Yes because then my conscious would be clean and I wouldn't have their secret voices always in my head, and no because if I hadn't done it I would never have known how far it had gone between them. He never would have admitted it, and even after hearing it himself still denied the affair saying "that is just the way she is with everyone." (!!!!!)

In your case I don't have an answer, just pointing out that knowing everything is a double-edged sword.


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## beachbabe (May 11, 2012)

autopilot said:


> I would put that phone in a safe deposit box only to be used if you suspect or discover future EA or PA from your husband. Then, you can find out the historical context of the past EA to glean an understanding of that current EA or PA. Remember what they also say that history has a way of repeating itself. In that context will the knowledge of the 3-year-old EA be useful. In your current situation, not so much.


Love that idea...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

autopilot said:


> You know the old saying about opening a wound that has healed...sort of like constantly picking at a scab...it never heals unless you leave it alone.
> 
> Same can be applied to your case. You've said yourself that you have had two really good years post-discovery. Why go back through all that old baggage once more and back to a place where you or your husband no longer are? It's in the past. Leave it there and don't ruin the good thing you have going now.
> 
> I would put that phone in a safe deposit box only to be used if you suspect or discover future EA or PA from your husband. Then, you can find out the historical context of the past EA to glean an understanding of that current EA or PA. Remember what they also say that history has a way of repeating itself. In that context will the knowledge of the 3-year-old EA be useful. In your current situation, not so much.





beachbabe said:


> Love that idea...


Eh... it's worth noting that the longer that the device goes w/o power, the greater the likelihood that there will be _at least *some*_ data corruption. Additionally, if the corruption is extensive enough, it will more or less prevent any attempts to recover anything from the device. If this is the approach that you're leaning toward taking, I'd advise running recovery against the device FIRST (*especially* since it sounds like the device may have been w/o power for some time) and then lock away the recovered data instead of (or, rather, _along with_) the device.

And, honestly, I'd still advise you to look at the recovered data ASAP, and here's why...

You have a GOLDEN opportunity here to either (a) discover once and for all that your husband has indeed been honest w/ you w/ respect to the extent of his relationship w/ OW or (b) discover that you've been living a lie for the past X years. The former will bring both joy and elation, allowing you to finally move on. And, while the latter would likely bring some (hopefully) short-term torment, it will also allow you to move on in that it will provide you w/ the ammunition that you need in order to make a decision w/ respect to the rest of your life... and NOW, instead of the next time that your husband strays. After all, the odds are pretty good that, having been caught once, he'd make it so difficult for you to catch him again that you might not be able to do so.

And, again, it's also worth nothing that EITHER of the scenarios above will free you from the agony in which you're currently living.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I think I would have to know. I like the idea that there would no longer be any secrets between my husband and the OW.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

soccermom2three said:


> I think I would have to know. I like the idea that there would no longer be any secrets between my husband and the OW.


Agreed, their special secret would no longer be special.

I'm not a cell phone expert, but I can't imagine that it would cost that much to pull the sim card and read the contents. You might even be able to do it yourself.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You may also be able to buy a replacement battery and insert that to read the texts.

This doesn't have to be that expensive.

Confirming that my spouse was honest with me would be worth the trouble and money.

Good luck BB


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

maaz3231 said:


> I grilled my wife for months, maybe a year. I needed to know what happened down to every detail. That was three years ago. The pain caused by the details is excruciating. I really wish I could unhear the details. But knowing myself, I would have never been satisfied until I got what I believed to be the whole story of events.


WOW! Just read your thread and I'm surprised you made it! Hope she is still going strong and you are doing better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I read STBX's and the OW's texts when I realized I could. It hurt like hell because I learned that they were texting back and forth when he was in other countries - he had claimed to me he wasn't able to text me from other countries - they were also talking about marriage when they'd only known each other a few months and I didn't even know about her yet, and they were ending every text with "love you." More interesting than that, though - I found he was also texting with another woman - a woman he went to high school with, and at whose Dad's funeral he met the OW. And their texts were more frequent and flirtatious than theirs! Nice "friend" she has there.

All this hurt to find out. But then, it made me MAD. And that anger is what fueled me past all the hurt.

In the end, Knowledge is Power trumps What You Don't Know Won't Hurt You.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Personally, I just want to know what the hell is going on in my own life, in the past and the present. How on earth can I make a decision if I don't know what the truth is? That is why I would want to know, because truth matters.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

The pros and cons to reading the details voiced in this thread have been all so valid. Even though I voiced my opinion in favor of NOT reading the lurid details, I do believe it is more important to know the truth if you cannot get it thru the WS. It is absolutely necessary to know what you are forgiving. However, the BS must understand that those details may doom reconciliation and the ability to forgive. It will also give rise to very painful emotions that the BS will have to deal with.

After reading 5 years of emails, I printed out a dozen or so that were especially painful or that I needed to further discuss with FWS. I decided to keep them thinking they were evidence of his infidelity and they would come in handy in case I decided to divorce. I do not read them anymore because they throw me into depression. 

Anytime I bring up some information found in them, my FWH tells me I "take them out of context"..whatever that means. After 4 years I think I finally understand what he means: when he was in the state of infatuation, lust and fantasy with the OW, his words made perfect sense to him and her. Now out of the fog and back in love and rebonded to me, they have no more truth in our present relationship than some steamy, immature, cheap romance novel written by a stranger.

But knowing that he felt that way about a woman who had no right to be involved in our marriage and that I was so UNAWARE of at the time is still so hard for me to accept and yes, forgive. Accepting this side of my husband that he never showed to me even in our honeymoon stage, has been difficult but it has been important to know in understanding my needs and desires and in understanding the complex dynamics of our sexual relationship. The difference between married and affair sex. FWIW.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Allwillbewell, 

I agree with you completely, and I feel the same as you. In order to forgive you need to know what you are forgiving. I found one email from my wife to her OM. It hurt to read but because it was one sentence fragment I memorized it. All she wrote was "are you still enjoying", that was it. All I could find in deleted texts, email, anything, "are you still enjoying". Those words haunt me to this day and it sinks a knife in my heart every time, every damn time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Honestly unless you feel like your husband hasn't told you the whole truth or answered the questions you've wanted to answered in full, then I would destroy the phone and keep the destroyed phone as a trophy.

Seriously. I confidently believe that there are some details that we are better off knowing. Little things that are pretty meaningless compared to the overall cheating that took place. I'll give you my own example, as long as you don't mind me getting really really "dirty" about it.

My wife and I were separated for several years after she had one multi-month affair, followed by another affair through most of the separation. After the first affair our therapist advised us that it was best for her to be fully honest with me about everything that had happened so that I wouldn't have to worry that there was something she was hiding. He advised ME to be very careful about the questions I asked, saying there were things I probably didn't want to know that would do nothing but hurt me. I basically ignored that advise, obviously. 

Here is the tidbit that hurt me the most. You can imagine that most men are very sexually focused. When women cheat, it's the sex they had with the other man that hurts us the most. When men cheat, it's the "I love you's" and such that they exchanged that hurts them the most. I wanted to know all about the sexual stuff they did. Eventually I asked if she ever gave him oral sex? Yes, she replied. I followed that with, "did you swallow?" and she replied that yes, she had a few times.

That really killed me, it still hurts me enormously to this day even though it's five years later and we're happily married and are expecting a child on the way. She has still never done that for me, because I know she doesn't like that and I know she didn't like it even when she did it for him. Nonetheless, I now have little mental flashbacks all the time of her doing that for this other guy. Full on mental images. Then I have to wonder why he was worth it and I'm not? Then more mental images. (Remember we men are far more visually minded) When you stop to think about it though, did her doing that for him make her actions any worse than they already were? It was a full blown affair after all, that's about as bad as it gets, both fully sexual and fully emotionally invested. Did that make it a worse offense?

Not really. I didn't really gain anything by knowing that detail. If I didn't find out then, but found out 10 years from now, I wouldn't be sitting there thinking, "Holy cow, if I had known that, I never would have gotten back together with her!" So I definitely wish I hadn't known that.

For you, with this phone, it could be just as bad for you. It might be full of "I love you's" and comments about you, maybe him saying she's more beautiful than you, or he wishes he had married her instead, or all kinds of hurtful things. You already know he said things like that, and he was in an affair fog at the time and saw everything through a twisted lens of reality. So I could easily see it setting your marriage back. You don't want to see those words every time you close your eyes, or see him. You don't want to see a message that says, "I just left work. I was thinking of you and your beautiful face all day!" and then wonder if he still thinks about her sometimes when he is at work. You don't want to see a message that says, "I slipped away from the wife for a moment just because I wanted to say I'm thinking of you/love you!" and then wonder if he thinks of her or still cares for her everytime he gets up to use the restroom or step out of the room for a few minutes. Those little things can just eat you up and it won't reveal worse than what you're already suspecting.

Just my two cents.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

cdbaker said:


> Honestly unless you feel like your husband hasn't told you the whole truth or answered the questions you've wanted to answered in full, then I would destroy the phone and keep the destroyed phone as a trophy.
> 
> Seriously. I confidently believe that there are some details that we are better off knowing. Little things that are pretty meaningless compared to the overall cheating that took place. I'll give you my own example, as long as you don't mind me getting really really "dirty" about it.
> 
> ...


With respect, there's a bit more to your story, correct? IIRC, yours is one of the more _unique_ stories that I've seen here.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> With respect, there's a bit more to your story, correct? IIRC, yours is one of the more _unique_ stories that I've seen here.


Uhhh... yup.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

@beachbabe, if you're absolutely dead set on the continued reconciliation of your marriage and feel that knowing more won't influence your decision either way, then by all means... don't look. But just know that you could very well be thumbing your nose at a truth so grievous that, had you known it from the start, you would've opted for divorce instead of reconciliation.

What I find odd about this thread is that -- while so many BS's seem to go above and beyond what's needed in order to get absolute and irrefutable proof of a spouse's affair... or, having already confronted a wayward spouse w/ said evidence, will continue to monitor and snoop and sleuth and torture him or herself ad nauseum -- we have a BS in possession of what WILL be the key to her freedom; whether freedom from that last gnawing, lingering bit of doubt, or freedom from a lying, possibly serial cheat, it'll be freedom either way.

That said, I'd be lying if I said that I don't understand your trepidation.

Still, my take is that a BS shouldn't take measures to hide from the truth. In the end, it will find you, and it will have its day. No one likes getting caught in a thunderstorm, but it happens to everyone at some point; wouldn't you rather have an umbrella w/ you when it happens?

Either way, as I said to someone else recently (though, admittedly, under slightly different circumstances)... your path is your own, and I'd encourage you to walk it, just so long as you don't have to sell your soul to pay for the boots that you need to do it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

cdbaker made a good point about having all the details...

Let me chicdefy this by saying if my guy ...say went shopping all the time with the AP and didn't go shopping with me then why R? If R was on the table then that POS would be shopping with me every weekend.

So...

Getting back to what I know and experienced.....If my old lady was taking it up the butt from her AP then she is going to take it up the but from me.
Thats how my R worked.
Granted at the time I was asking for details that never came into play. In her head I needed to "know what I was forgiving" so I convinced her to tell me. Well during the HB phase of this infidelity crap ...low a be hold...my old lady took it like a champ.
If you know what I mean?

So my point is ...ya you want details cuz if the POS wayward is really remorseful he will "take you shopping" or go down on you for a hundred hours...what ever the case my be''''we want the same shyt the AP was getting cuz that's phucking remorse! So call me every damb morning and to say "I miss you" or text me at lunch break to say "you want me".
You know what I mean?

So go a head and open that can of worms and see how remorseful your wayward really is and if they can do the same "stuff" with you as they did with the AP.

If your old man can pull this off it might be worth keeping him around.

But be warned one might not be able to handle this ....this kind of thing is a serious mind phuck...so some good folks just might be better off letting it go and be happy that their wayward isn't screwing around ...."for now"!!!!!!!!!!


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

GusPolinski said:


> With respect, there's a bit more to your story, correct? IIRC, yours is one of the more _unique_ stories that I've seen here.


Yep, absolutely. With that said, I don't think the rest of the story changes anything. In fact, the portion that I am referring to here was very early on in our mess. My wife's first affair, after she initially returned in order to halfheartedly try to make it work. At that time it was just an affair followed by marriage counseling and I had the opportunity to learn any and every detail I wanted, just like the OP here. When I look back at our mess overall, this is still one of the most hurtful parts, which I think I could have easily avoided by not asking that line of questioning.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

cdbaker said:


> Yep, absolutely. *With that said, I don't think the rest of the story changes anything.* In fact, the portion that I am referring to here was very early on in our mess. My wife's first affair, after she initially returned in order to halfheartedly try to make it work. At that time it was just an affair followed by marriage counseling and I had the opportunity to learn any and every detail I wanted, just like the OP here. When I look back at our mess overall, this is still one of the most hurtful parts, which I think I could have easily avoided by not asking that line of questioning.


Respectfully, from the outside looking in, I'd say that it did.

My read on your situation, @cdbaker, is that your capacity for forgiveness w/ respect to your wife's infidelities was (and is) somewhat inflated, and due in no small part to your own past transgressions, which preceded your wife's infidelities.

...and this is a completely different situation.

What we have here is a BW whose marital history w/ her husband doesn't include such transgressions, at least not if her account thus far is to be believed. Additionally, she's concerned that her husband may have withheld key information from her... information that may have prompted her to opt for divorce instead of reconciliation.

You KNOW that your wife engaged in PAs. You KNOW that she was fully emotionally invested in each of these relationships. For many folks, either of these things (let alone both) would qualify as the threshold at which the desperate desire for reconciliation ends and the burning mandate for divorce begins.

Sooo... knowing these things, and taking your somewhat inflated willingness to forgive into account, do the details w/ respect to sexual acts _really_ matter? (That said, I get why your wife's admission is a sore point for you.)

OP doesn't know these things. Her husband hasn't copped to them. Per her husband's account, his relationship w/ OW consisted of "only" an EA. (If that were true, though, why wouldn't he have allowed her -- or, rather, ASKED her -- to read the texts before in order to prove he was telling the truth?)

Understandably, OP has questions. They haunt her. They plague her. They likely dog her thoughts and crowd her dreams. _And now she has the means to be free of all that._

I'd advise to her avail herself of it, lest she continue in such a tortured state.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

GusPolinski said:


> Respectfully, from the outside looking in, I'd say that it did.
> 
> My read on your situation, @cdbaker, is that your capacity for forgiveness w/ respect to your wife's infidelities was (and is) somewhat inflated, and due in no small part to your own past transgressions, which preceded your wife's infidelities.
> 
> ...


All good points. Like I said though, I was really just talking about that one line of questioning. I think the answers to those questions would still bother me today even if I had divorced her. Heck, that wasn't even the "worst" affair either. So that's why I think even if that event had only happened in a vacuum, separate from everything else, I would still wish I hadn't gone into that level of detail.

But in the OP's situation, yeah I see the differences. I didn't get the impression that she was suspecting him of hiding information from her, or that there was more to the affair than what she knows about, or that she's been haunted by doubt for several years now or anything like that. In fact she indicated that everything has gone wonderfully for them since it happened, and she was concerned that she might put that at risk. Therefore if she trusts that her husband has shared the whole truth and done all of the right things in the reconciliation, then likely the only information in that text log that would be news to her would be the nitty gritty details that aren't really important in the grand scheme of things, but could potentially be very hurtful.

Maybe another alternative would be for her to have a close friend read the log first, only checking to see if there is any new alarming revelations in the log that she didn't know about. Like clear evidence that their relationship was actually physical, or started/ended at dramtically different times than she has been told, etc.?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Dude. Save the details for your wife.

We don't need them.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

To beachbabe

As has been said several times, everyone is different and you will have to decide if you are one of those that want all the gory details.

Here’s my experience. I wanted to know if my spouse betrayed my trust. She did and you also know that about your husband. That fact of betrayal is GINORMUS to me. The details about all the bullshyt words said and all the gory sexual details would only serve to torture me. In the end for me it was the fact that she betrayed me and that is what I had to decide what I was going to do about that. IOW, *I did what was best for me and what was best for me was to deal with the known betrayal and not allow anymore torture in my mind. That torture would not help me deal with the main issue of betrayal.*

In your case you and your husband are doing very well in your R. Your husband seems really remorseful and has proven that with his actions for 3 years.



> By Beachbabe
> I have to say that I've had a good couple of years. I made the concious effort to block all thoughts of her if they came into my head. It was like I was inviting her in my home, my job, and my bed.(heaven forbid!!) I was determined NOT have that. *And I was the happier for it. We both were.*


*Your post above says a lot!*




You also said:



> I WANT THE ADVANTAGE OF KNOWING WHAT SHE SAID TO MY HUSBAND SO ITS NOT JUST BETWEEN THEM!!!
> 
> But curiousity is killing me
> 
> I will definitely have the upper hand (in my head, at least) if I read all her texts.


You want to know what she said to him so it will not just be between him and her? What good will that do you in the long run?

You want to satisfy your curiosity? Is your curiosity worth the pain and chance of setting your R back?

You will have the upper hand in your head if you read her text? How is that going to work? You will hear all the stinging extremely hurtful bullshyt words that two people say when they are in extreme selfishness and in the fantasy world. Your husband is out of the fantasy world and you have all but said that your husband is completely through with her and totally regrets his stupidity, selfishness, and weakness. Your husband is completely dedicated to you so what are you going to gain by hearing all of these sickening words that will probably torture you for the rest of your life?

That is my experience and I am sure that there are others that have a completely different point of view. My method has worked for my R that is over 20 years old. She has never mentioned his name, never seen him, and never talked to him for over 20 years. Why would I now want to have all those gory details that happened over 20 years ago giving me mind nightmares?

If others say that they have done the opposite of what I have done and it has worked for them for the long term then I am not going to doubt them. I just know what worked for me and if you and your spouse are like me and my spouse then it can work for you also.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Well, it's been a few years since I've logged in, so thought it was time to check in. 

I am 4 years into reconciliation, so I totally understand why this is such a tough decision. If I was only 6mos in, I'd be all over that transcript. Now, there's no way I would read it. 

That being said, I also knew my husband's affair was physical and he gave details when I wanted them. My concern is that you might not know for sure if your WS's affair was truly only emotional. Does he know you've recovered his phone and plan to get a transcript? (Maybe you mentioned this in your posts, so sorry if I didn't catch it.) My WS originally tried to tell me that his affair was only emotional, hours into D-Day I said I planned on recovering all his deleted texts... he confessed to a physical affair seconds later. 

So, my advice is dependent on whether or not your husband is aware of you possibly recovering his old texts with the OW. 

If he is aware and unconcerned, I would still recover the texts to see if his opinion or support changes. If he stays supportive, I'd leave them be. If he gets nervous or starts to try and talk you out of it, I'd either let a trusted friend read or do it yourself.

If he is unaware of your discovery, I'd recover the texts, then put them in an envelope. Show the envelope to your husband and say you have recovered all his texts with the OW. Ask if there's anything he might have failed to mention before you read them. Based on his reaction, you'll know if you want to read or leave be.

None of us here can say what the right thing for you to do is, but I just told you what would feel like the right thing for me to do in your situation. 

I am sorry so many of us have had to experience infidelity, even after all this time the pain can creep back in at the most unexpected times. But luckily it does get better, and when the weed does creep in, it's easier to control and manage.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

If I could do it over I would not want all the details. Details made me dislike certain ethnic groups because the x sought out that particular race or hair color the most. So, when I see "what my ex f***** the pain comes back. Naw mouth shut would have helped with the mind movies!


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

....I'd give 20 years of my life for the "details" ...and the truth.

....wait ....come to think about it, I already have given 20 years of my life.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

You should be aware, that snooping on that level is probably going to change the way you feel about your husband forever. For good, or for bad. It is entirely possible that you will read things so horrible, that your marriage will immediately end. Because what you will see, is the truth about whom he is as a person. You won’t be seeing how he “presents” himself to you. 

The truth is the truth. There will be no way for you to forget or rug sweep these things once you know them to be fact.

This could be a good or bad thing. Depends on your situation. And it depends on “why” you are looking. I won’t recommend what I think you should do. I think that is a personal decision. I just want to tell you to consider how very serious this will probably be for you.


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## beachbabe (May 11, 2012)

I haven't been on for awhile but am so impressed with all the personal stories and everyone being so forthcoming. Many pro and many cons to looking, no doubt. I'm 'lucky' because I know for a fact that they only had an emotional affair. (believe me, I use 'lucky' extremely loosly) I've done the research, emotional affairs can be worse, i know. 
The text that I intercepted was suggesting they should meet soon and both were hesitant knowing it would change things. I believe that I put a kibosh on any plans by confronting him immediately.

Mr Blunt ..thanks for your advice. My WS and I ARE doing amazing. Do I dare say better than DD??? Yes! We have an honest relationship now. The rose colored glasses are off, but we are the better for it. It just seems that we are aware of what caused us to drift apart in the beginning and the dangers of not caring until its too late. 

Also love the part about destroying the phone and keeping as a trophy. LOL True power in choosing to not let the messages destroy the progress thus far, in our marriage. 

And I will think about it.....


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Beachbabe

Whatever decision you decide upon, I hope it is a decision you can live with. I hope this decision can bring some closure to all the open ends infidelity causes. I consider you, in a sad way fortunate, you have the ability to know if you desire. While infidelity is a cruel act on the betrayed spouse, I hope this doesn't come back in the future that you need to know. I can tell you not knowing the full extent of the affair is difficult, I know about the physical but not nearly enough of the emotional part. 

If I knew my WW and OM said I love you everyday, well that changes things for me. Knowing what they said would also helpe to understand how deep their relationship was. To me that's important in reconciling. I would have a better picture of what I'm forgiving in the emotional aspect. Your decision is difficult and comes with what I believe to be an agonizing decision. Good luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> “… we are aware of what caused us to drift apart in the beginning and the dangers of not caring until its too late.”


Now you can say with capital letters “I’m LUCKY” Now you have very valuable knowledge that can help you both keep your marriage in good shape!






> My WS and I ARE doing amazing


If it ain’t broke don’t fix it!
JMHO


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> WOW! Just read your thread and I'm surprised you made it! Hope she is still going strong and you are doing better.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks Conan. She is still doing the right things. I'm doing better. I have bad days, and then I have really bad days even though it's been three years. But overall, I'm glad I decided to stay. I love being with her and my children. Most people say, "If .... ever cheats on my, I'm gone." That's how I felt, that is of course until it actually happened. I'm still hurt and bitter about what happened, and I think about it every day, but the positive now outweighs the negative.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*If you're going to cheat, then you best be prepared for the ultimate consequences. After all, there is no such thing in the wide world of infidelity as a "free lunch!"

"If you commit the crime, you do the time!"*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

maaz3231 said:


> Thanks Conan. She is still doing the right things. I'm doing better. I have bad days, and then I have really bad days even though it's been three years. But overall, I'm glad I decided to stay. I love being with her and my children. Most people say, "If .... ever cheats on my, I'm gone." That's how I felt, that is of course until it actually happened. I'm still hurt and bitter about what happened, and I think about it every day, but the positive now outweighs the negative.


Hope it gets better.

I'm definitely not a guy who will stay but I have laid that foundation from the first date.

Sounds like this took you by surprise, unexpected.

I grew up pretty rough and almost always am prepared for shytty behavior, even from Mrs. Conan but she is well informed on how fast it would be over if either of us cheats. She is on the same page as me.

Maybe in a couple more years it will just be some dull ache and slightly more faded memory.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I am starting to believe that the details, while initially very helpful in understanding the dynamic of what was occurring, are now becoming more hurtful when taken as the sum of the parts. The holes in my memory and understanding what was going on 10+ yrs ago have been completed, but now I come back to the why. And the most simple answer is BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT SHE WANTED TO HAPPEN!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Knowing now what they did out of my sight still hurts, as there are the recurrent "mind movies" that still periodically occur!

But in retrospect, it has caused me to move on, but at the extremely high price of losing my trust in any potentially "new" future relationships as well!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Everyone is different in how they would respond to your question OP, personally I would want to know absolutely everything, I am not inclined to sweep anything under the carpet at this stage of my life, though when I was younger I was guilty of helping my WH rug sweep his adultery. So I would go for it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Of course get them. Then send a copy to her husband and all your husbands family.

Merry Christmas


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