# Faithful tired and in the wilderness



## Revenant911 (Oct 3, 2021)

Hey folks, first of all, I give honor to God because it’s been a rough 20 years. I just need an ear and a non bias point of view. I have worked inside a prison for almost 2 decades. My anxiety level is always peaked at work an has been almost the whole time employed due to the violence on staff and the incarcerated. The job demands a lot mentally and for the first 8 year of my career my travel time one way was over 80 miles. I spent a lot of time sleeping in the driver’s seat of my car through cold and rain and discomfort. When at home, I tried to have a normal home life with wife and kids and functioning while exhausted. I got no praise for my efforts only idiotic questions like why are you always tired and why don’t you talk to me. I worked off of 3 1/2 hours of sleep for 8 years trying to make an effort to fit it all in. There were tears while driving offen also a few times where I fell nodded behind the wheel trying to get home to hold up my end of the marriage but the amount of times I had to pull over over the years increased from 1 to 4 or 5…taking normally 2 hours to up to 4. I have almost died twice in the last 5 years, once by me falling asleep for only having 3 hours of sleep. I hit a parked car on the freeway at 4am at about 70mph. Amputated my tongue (rearranged ), concussion, could not tell weather I was alive or dead for about 3 days. My ex-wife calling while my current wife was in my hospital room causing her to go into a jealous rage thinks I was in contact her.
The second with COVID. I was bed ridden with tubes and wires for a week. Doctor told my wife she might want to handle my affairs but God revived me again.
Now their is the communication problem. She’s a talker…I’m not as much. She expresses herself using general tense (using the word people rather than coming out and saying me), I am very direct. 
It seams like everyone on the planet can understand me when I’m expressing myself, but with her, it’s alway “what are you talking about?” “You should have said it this way…why could have kept from arguing”
I have give her an out of this relationship so many times but she turns it around and tells me “oh..,that’s the kind of man you are?”
Hey folks, I just want a little insite because I’m loyal hardworking and faithful. I just need to hear a non bias point of view.

Thanks for reading


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Does you wife work outside the home?

What traits, if any, does she possess that you like?


----------



## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

I'd bet a lot of guys feel like you do as far as the lack of appreciation. That's huge for guys. I have family who worked for the DOC, you have to be on guard literally every minute of the day. That takes a toll. In fact both of them moved on to something else. They stayed with the state to keep their retirement going, but they had enough of the prison.

When you retire can you see yourself spending every day with her?


----------



## Revenant911 (Oct 3, 2021)

Al_Bundy said:


> I'd bet a lot of guys feel like you do as far as the lack of appreciation. That's huge for guys. I have family who worked for the DOC, you have to be on guard literally every minute of the day. That takes a toll. In fact both of them moved on to something else. They stayed with the state to keep their retirement going, but they had enough of the prison.
> 
> When you retire can you see yourself spending every day with her?


I‘m being forced to retire because the state is mandating all employees to take the COVID shot…needless to say, nearly died from covid, I don want any of it in me and feel that it’s a violation of my faith and at the simplest, i will see if her perception of me changes when I’m home.


----------



## Revenant911 (Oct 3, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Does you wife work outside the home?
> 
> What traits, if any, does she possess that you like?


She is retired, we don’t seam to have anything in common anymore and due to the fact that i don’t feel like I exist in the relationship because if I expose my opinion she is willing to escalate an argument till it’s way out of control to have herself heard.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I’m going to quote Richard Cooper on this one because I think this is something you need to consider. 

“Women don’t care about a man’s struggles. They wait at the finish line and pick the winner.”

This is applicable here and something you need to think about - She doesn’t care about your struggles. She doesn’t care about your sacrifice. She doesn’t care about your determination or what you are going through for the family.

She cares about what’s in it for her. 

While you are going on about your struggles and sacrifice, What she is seeing on her end is you are hardly ever home, when you are, you are tired, moody and exhausted. And you wrecked the car and were in the hospital and were sick and were at deaths door. 

When you look at it in those terms, who would sign up for that???

So yes, your struggles and sacrifices are going unappreciated. 

So you need to ask yourself whether this is all worth it TO YOU. 

What are you really getting out of spending your days trying to keep from getting shanked by urchins of the world that don’t even deserve to breathe our oxygen or eat our food? 

What are you getting out of wrecking cars, getting mutilated and putting the innocent public at risk by driving 80 miles on 3 hours sleep?

Why are you doing this and what are you actually getting out of it??? 

What other options are out there where your life and the lives of others around you aren’t in danger???


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You chose a terrible job and stuck with it at the expense of your family, health, and marriage. It’s that simple.


----------



## Revenant911 (Oct 3, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> I’m going to quote Richard Cooper on this one because I think this is something you need to consider.
> 
> “Women don’t care about a man’s struggles. They wait at the finish line and pick the winner.”
> 
> ...


Note taken…but the bills are paid, there are no empty bellies, there is a beautiful and all are sickness free. I get you about public endangerment but what would a loving responsible man do for his family? Anything. I think for the sake of men that man up and do what has to be done so their families wellbsing is maintained that the first part of your hypothesis is not shared by the masses. Blessings.


----------



## Revenant911 (Oct 3, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> You chose a terrible job and stuck with it at the expense of your family, health, and marriage. It’s that simple.


Yes I did, but everyone is illness free, bellies full, educated and comfortablely housed. I don’t think most women would go for a man, marry him, have a family and be satisfied with him working at McDonald’a.
note taken though.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mr.Married said:


> You chose a terrible job and stuck with it at the expense of your family, health, and marriage. It’s that simple.


But someone has to do the crappy jobs, right?


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Revenant911 said:


> . I don’t think most women would go for a man, marry him, have a family and be satisfied with him working at McDonald’s.


I don’t think the wife of a regional operations director for McDonalds has much of a problem with him working at Mc D’s.

The CEO of McD’s is said to have an annual salary of $10.8 M. Do you think his wife has a problem with it?


----------



## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> I don’t think the wife of a regional operations director for McDonalds has much of a problem with him working at Mc D’s.
> 
> The CEO of McD’s is said to have an annual salary of $10.8 M. Do you think his wife has a problem with it?


Yeah sure, but if you or I or Revenant911 were to get a job there it would be minimum wage for the rest of our days.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

syhoybenden said:


> Yeah sure, but if you or I or Revenant911 were to get a job there it would be minimum wage for the rest of our days.


Would we fill out an application and get hired as the CEO?? No.

But you are mistaken that someone will forever flip burgers at minimum wage.

McDonalds is a huge international corporation employing everything from burger flippers to managers to regional directors to accounts and lawyers and real estate speculators, dietitians, marketing analysts, venture capitalists, stock speculators, corporate pilots, etc etc etc etc. 

There is nothing in their policy manual that says a 16 year burger flipper cannot some day rise to CEO if they fit into the culture and continue their education and training and show creativity and determination. 

Now I am not saying that the OP should quit his job to start flipping burgers.

But what I am saying is there are other job opportunities and career paths that don’t involve getting shanked and don’t involve 160 mile round trip commutes and living on 3 hours of sleep a day. 

He is patting himself on the back for his determination and sacrifice and for the hardships he has endured. 

But his hardships and sacrifice doesn’t matter to her and it’s not winning him any points with her. 

To her, he is simply an absentee husband that puts himself at risk of getting killed every day, that is only home a few hours of the day that is exhausted and moody and who wrecks the car because he’s falling asleep at the wheel and putting them at risk of a gazillion dollar lawsuit if he happens to run into a school bus full of children next time.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I’ve never been a prison guard (thank god!) but I have worked in the public safety sector for decades. I do kind of understand the OP’s mentality. 

There is a rare breed of people that do do the tough jobs that would break the common man. 

These people do develop a sense of pride and toughness where they see themselves as a cut above the rest. I don’t mean that in an arrogant way but rather, there are the commoners and the sheeple .... and then there are the guard dogs that protect the flock from the wolves and predators and protect the sheeple from themselves. 

There are even “Badge Bunnies” that find their image sexy and they soak their panties and offer up blow jobs and quick hook ups in the parking lot. 

......but often these people’s marriages are disasters. 

Even the Badge Bunnies that leave snailtracks on the ground for them when they first hook up, quickly lose patience and esteem with them if they ever get into some kind of domestic relationship with them.

The sheep dogs are a rare breed. But the kind of person that it takes to be married to one requires a rare breed as well.


----------



## Revenant911 (Oct 3, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Would we fill out an application and get hired as the CEO?? No.
> 
> But you are mistaken that someone will forever flip burgers at minimum wage.
> 
> ...


You know, sense the state is forcing me into retirement because it’s shoving the COVID shots down people’s throat, ordinarily flipping burgers wouldn’t sound half bad over playing the game of who can get to the shank first or can I get to this guy that’s hanging before he clocks out or can I get all this protective equipment on before this guy bleeds out.
I had 4 to 5 more yeara before I would have been able to retire and most of my parters have similar issues except the ones the chose a spouse that had a badge too.
I feel sorry for spousal apathy. Out of love, I tried to get home until I couldn’t and then when i stayed, I would get accused of infidelity without any grounds. It’s looking like this ship has hit to many rocks and I getting numb from the verbal abuse. Thanks you all for the ear.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Revenant911 ,

My BIL worked for the DOC for 20 years while serving in National Guard, and it was hard on him in every conceivable way. I get it--you are doing your best, working hard for the family, enduring UNSPEAKABLE hardship for them. But make no mistake, your wife has endured hardship too! From her point of view, while you drive 160 miles round trip every day and work long hours, she's had to run the household and raise the family without a partner. From her point of view, you drive to and from work-work-and sleep (because you're exhausted)...but that in no way is being an involved, interested life partner for her or a break for her exhaustion either! 

Now I'm not saying you are at fault or she is at fault, but rather, take a step out of your shoes for a moment and step into her shoes. Each individual has a Love Language, and if her Love Language is something like "Quality Time" that means that someone would demonstrate their love by spending time with her, focused on her, interested in her, talking to her about topics that she finds interesting...you know, Quality Time. So if that is her Love Language, that means that in her shoes, she has not been getting her love bank filled for 20 years! 

In addition, for people to grow together and have similar interests and hobbies, there has to be some time spent together. When you don't spend time with people, they gradually become more distant and less close. Don't think of your wife--think of someone who was a best buddy, maybe in HS and then through college. You were best buds because you hung out together and did things together. You spent time. Then you graduated and he got married and pretty soon you're spending less time together. It's not that you can't kind of "pick up where you left off" but clearly you're not as close as you used to be. Clearly you aren't part of his "every day" life and he's no longer part of your "every day" life, and that's because gradually there was some distance introduced. Well...it's the same with your lovely bride. She likely fell in love with you (back in the day) because you paid attention to her and wanted to spend every minute together and did enjoyable things together. It doesn't have to be something fancy--just things you both find fun! But you worked long hours and took longer and longer time away, and you got interested in "your stuff" and she got interested in "her stuff" and some distance was introduced. You're no longer parts of each other's "every day" lives. 

The way to grow closer again is not (necessarily) for her to appreciate you although I'm sure that would help a TON for you! But just take a moment and remember that your wife is only human, same as you. She wants someone to notice her, think she is FINE, smile when she enters the room, and make the effort to spend some time with her doing something y'all both find enjoyable. Could be sex. Could be car shows. Could be activities. Could be just turning off the TV and talking and sharing. Right now, for the past 20 years while you've been working your ass off thinking that shows your love (sounds like your Love Language might be Acts of Service), she's been wanting Quality Time and getting very, VERY little. So it's like you're speaking Spanish and she's speaking French--neither is wrong, but she is not getting the message you are sending. If you want her to hear the message of "you are important to me...caring for you is important to me" then you need to speak French to her. And the concept/hope is that when you speak French to her, she'll begin to want to speak Spanish back to you! In other words, I'm not saying you do things her way and she never gives back, but rather, it should be mutual effort. If it's not a mutual effort at some point, re-evaluate. But right now, if you are retiring, maybe this is a good time to a) take a little time to restore yourself physically and mentally, and b) take a little time to speak your wife's Love Language to her and see if that doesn't restore a little spark. 

Soooo... my BIL also retired after 20 years serving in DOC and he was struggling too, just like you. Now, he works driving a Pepsi truck around the state. He has the very rare overnight run, but usually he's up early, does his route, is home by mid-afternoon, and can spend time with his family in the afternoon, evening, and weekend. It is MUCH, *MUCH* better for him and for them. Truck-driving is not an office job, but he likes that more or less he is free all day to just drive, roll down the window, throw on some music, and no one really bothers him. He is also not a big talker (whereas my sister--his wife--is a non-stop gibberty jab), but he IS a very good listener, and he makes the effort to listen and be responsive--he doesn't "tune her out." Every day, he'll find one "news" item to bring up with her, one item about his day, and one item he's just thinking about. That's like a little assignment for him to come up with all that, but it works for them! And maybe something like that would also work for you.


----------

