# Need advice and opinion on unaffectionate wife



## texanguy (Apr 1, 2010)

I've been reading the threads and a lot of good discussions. I do have a problem that I don't know if it's just me or something more serious. My post maybe long, so sorry to bore with the details.

My wife and I have been married 12 years and have 3 kids, with the youngest being 3 years 4 months old. We are a normal, loving family with dual careers and great children. My wife is the sweetest person you could ever meet and I'm very much in love with her. I still to this day find her as sexy and attractive as ever. She's my "Perfect 10".

I'm the affectionate, romantic type that loves to do the candlelight, music, spa, shower together, you name it, I'll try it type. My wife on the other hand is not sexually aroused easily and she's never into sex unless I initiate it. She's never been the sex starved type and I probably think about it as often as most men probably think about it during the day. This is more so now after our third child was born. Our sex life consist of her laying there in bed, eyes closed while I do my thing and she's basically a "glorified blowup doll" as one poster described it. I ask her what she would like for me to do to her in bed and he response it 'nothing. Let's just get it over with so I can get my sleep.'

She says she's "just doesn't feel it anymore" when it comes to affection, sex, etc. She still loves me, but never says it first. I always initiate that three worded sentence (I love you) and always the affectionate one. I can understand having three kids, it will zap a woman of her hormones and does strange things to the body. I also understand she has a demanding job that she's trying to learn and master, but this has been going on for 2 or 3 years now. 

Honestly, this is not just about sex. I would rather much huggle in bed and talk to each other in place of sex, which I think will bring us closer together, but she's not into that at all anymore.

There are some days I just feel like throwing up my hands and giving up and then I think of the kids and our marriage and think that maybe it's just me. I don't think she is with anyone else, although she does work with a lot of guys and the opportunity and temptation is always there, but my wife is not that type of person.

I will have to say that I do most if not all the cooking, pick up the kids, bathe them, do the laundry most of the time, do the grocery shopping, etc. 

I've been thinking of getting into marriage therapy/counseling, but she probably would not go for it. Maybe talk to a psychiatrist to see what the root cause of the problem is.

Any opinions or suggestions?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

It is very harmful to a marriage to radiate a lot of love at someone who is not feeling it for you. It makes that person feel emotionally claustrophobic and crowded. Why don't you stop saying I love you. And why don't you give her enough space for her to come to you. I don't even mean that sexually - I mean outside the bedroom. Back off and see what happens. Be nice - be friendly - just LET HER APPROACH YOU. 




texanguy said:


> I've been reading the threads and a lot of good discussions. I do have a problem that I don't know if it's just me or something more serious. My post maybe long, so sorry to bore with the details.
> 
> My wife and I have been married 12 years and have 3 kids, with the youngest being 3 years 4 months old. We are a normal, loving family with dual careers and great children. My wife is the sweetest person you could ever meet and I'm very much in love with her. I still to this day find her as sexy and attractive as ever. She's my "Perfect 10".
> 
> ...


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## texanguy (Apr 1, 2010)

Mem11363,
I'm afraid if I back off, maybe both of us will become more distant. I do see your point though. Maybe it's something I need to control internally and mentally prepare myself for.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The way to do this is:
- when you spend time you are engaged - and when possible be playful and fun
- but spend more time out/away NOT with her - even if that means taking the kids out with you

The goal is to be more attractive and less available. So work out, go to the gym. 

Also - the fact that she is not saying "i love you" to you is a big deal and you need to give her some breathing room. In fact - having a little relationship anxiety can be a big sexual turn on. 




texanguy said:


> Mem11363,
> I'm afraid if I back off, maybe both of us will become more distant. I do see your point though. Maybe it's something I need to control internally and mentally prepare myself for.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

texanguy said:


> Mem11363,
> I'm afraid if I back off, maybe both of us will become more distant. I do see your point though. Maybe it's something I need to control internally and mentally prepare myself for.


Yep, that's what happened to me and my husband. You could try backing off and see what happens but if your wife really isn't feeling anything that won't help. She'll just be relieved. I'm all for giving the wife a break from her kids and time on her own but you need to add something to the mix...You need to reignite some of the old flame. 

What kind of relationship do you have outside the bedroom? Raising a family will really kill a relationship unless you work hard at keeping things interesting and exciting. You need to schedule activities for your wife to do together, as a couple. No kids. No work involvement. 

If you can't get away for a weekend then make it dinner, a show, a walk in the park..anything but it has to be time for you and her, together..WITHOUT any distractions. You need to schedule "date nights" and it really does make a huge difference in reigniting those pre-children flames. 

Perhaps THEN you might very well find that your wife will rediscover your relationship and feel something for you. But you need to get her away from the kids and her work obligations. She sounds like she might be feeling stressed out and overworked and when you feel like that, then sex and affection doesn't come easily.


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## texanguy (Apr 1, 2010)

We had a date on our anniversary recently. It was a start, but the fire wasn't there because we're both busy with the kids, work, etc. The roles are kind of reversed, because I do most of the taking care of kids, cooking, cleaning, etc (so I'm kind of in the traditional female role) and she's the male role coming home from work after long hours and stress from work. Honestly, I think I take care of the kids and the domestic stuff than her. So, I'm a little perplexed. I think it has to do with something within her body, after 3 kids, maybe all her hormones are zapped and maybe I'm the needy husband type.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I agree with spending quality time doing fun stuff with no kids - huge plus to do that. I also think she needs to "miss" him and she doesn't. And that means he needs to back off. 

My wife comes home from work - I work from home a lot. She wants to channel surf - sometimes for most of the night. I never crowd her. If she wants to play ping pong - which she loves I say sure and we do that. But I let her come to me about half the time. 




Freak On a Leash said:


> Yep, that's what happened to me and my husband. You could try backing off and see what happens but if your wife really isn't feeling anything that won't help. She'll just be relieved. I'm all for giving the wife a break from her kids and time on her own but you need to add something to the mix...You need to reignite some of the old flame.
> 
> What kind of relationship do you have outside the bedroom? Raising a family will really kill a relationship unless you work hard at keeping things interesting and exciting. You need to schedule activities for your wife to do together, as a couple. No kids. No work involvement.
> 
> ...


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## texanguy (Apr 1, 2010)

I have backed off for the last 6 months and left her alone. At some point, I need to see her come to me, but the question is - how long is that?


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## lisakifttherapy (Jul 31, 2007)

You mentioned some very valid reasons that might explain her low libido - but they don't really cover her lack of affection. People can have / express affection for their partners while not having a sex drive. So then - there are probably some underlying dynamics at play involving the marriage and her individually (current unexpressed frustrations, what she's bringing in from her past, etc).

As it seems like you know, I wouldn't let this go on unaddressed. Couples who ignore this type of problem can end up with all sorts of other bigger issues down the line.

Your idea to go to couples counseling is an excellent one. A therapist will be able to pinpoint things that are possibly missed by both of you. If you're interested in going the self-help route to start, there's an excellent workbook I highly recommend for couples called, Passion, Sex and Intimacy: Keep the Fires of Passion Burning that's written by a psychologist and is full of tools to help unblock intimacy. 

At the very least, be sure she's aware of how much her distance is damaging the marriage. Tell her in an open, non-critical way if possible - beginning with how it makes you feel to not be close to her in this way anymore.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Many women could honestly live without sex for the rest of their lives. It simply isn't driven by their hormones like it is for men. So, for the sex, you will need to engage her mentally so that she WANTS you. How? By meeting all her needs. By NOT Love Busting her (making her unhappy). 

You may think you're doing everything you can, since you're the one who does so much. But look at it this way - and this is TOTALLY hypothetical, as I don't know you two. I'm just taking some things out of the air - replace with whatever works in your situation. 

If your wife needs, say, conversation as a major Emotional Need, and YOU think that she should appreciate all the housework you do, but you don't take the time to go on walks with her to talk, or turn off the TV to talk, do you see how both of you aren't getting what you need?

You get resentful that she doesn't appreciate the work you do. But she couldn't care less about a clean house. But she is STARVING for adult conversations!

Both of you grow apart and full of resentment. And women typically NEED emotional fulfillment to want to have sex. Men typically have sex to find emotional fulfillment. But men have the higher drive, so it is in men's best interests to make sure their wives are emotionally fulfilled BEFORE they expect sex from their wives.

How to do all this? Here's a great way. Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Buster questionnaire, two copies. Ask your wife to sit down and fill it out with you. Then give each other your answers. It teaches you how to NOT upset the other person. A LB is something that makes your spouse unhappy. I cannot STAND to hear my husband slurp his cereal milk; it literally makes me want to hit something; instead I leave the room so I don't have to hear it. It is a MAJOR LB for me. So, if he fixes the flowerbed, folds some towels, and massages my feet (my major Emotional Needs), but then brings a bowl of cereal to bed for a snack and starts slurping, it totally undoes all the great EN-meeting he did that day - all I can think about is how irritated I now am. No way I want to have sex tonight. He knew I hated it, and did it anyway - he didn't care about me.

See how that works? Even one LB can poke a hole in your Love Bucket so that, no matter how many Emotional Needs you meet, they all flow out that hole you created by the LB, and you end up with an empty Love Bucket. Do that enough times, there's no love left.

So, fill out the LB questionnaire. Share it. Vow to STOP LBing your wife. Whatever they are. We all have the right to feel what we feel. No judgment.

Then, after you've changed your LB habits for a couple of months, print out the Emotional Needs questionnaire and ask her to fill it out with you. Share them. Learn what her top 5 ENs are, and make sure YOU are the only person meeting those ENs for her. 

If you become the person she associates with all her happiness, she will start to want to return the favor by meeting YOUR ENs (including sex, unless she has an abuse issue). She HAS to feel emotionally close to you in order to want to have sex with you. Meeting her ENs is the way to do that.

I hope that makes sense.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

texanguy said:


> We had a date on our anniversary recently. It was a start, but the fire wasn't there because we're both busy with the kids, work, etc. The roles are kind of reversed, because I do most of the taking care of kids, cooking, cleaning, etc (so I'm kind of in the traditional female role) and she's the male role coming home from work after long hours and stress from work. Honestly, I think I take care of the kids and the domestic stuff than her. So, I'm a little perplexed. I think it has to do with something within her body, after 3 kids, maybe all her hormones are zapped and maybe I'm the needy husband type.


Sounds a LOT like my husband and I. He's much more "domestically inclined" than I am. When our kids were younger he did a good deal of babysitting, cooking and shopping for the kids. Of course I appreciated all that he did but we had NO life outside of our jobs and kids and I resented it. Life was like a bowl of oatmeal without sugar or cinnamon. We lived it, we survived and all but there was no spice, no fun. 

It really doesn't matter who does what. Fact is, you both feel put out and you need to reconnect as a couple. When you feel down and beaten you don't want to be affectionate or have sex or much of anything. 

You need to do something as a COUPLE. Alone, no kids...even for a little while. You need to have fun TOGETHER. It's pretty basic stuff. Playing games to "make her miss you" isn't the answer. Been there, done that. 

Remember the old adage.."You get more flies with honey then vinegar. "


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

turnera said:


> Many women could honestly live without sex for the rest of their lives. It simply isn't driven by their hormones like it is for men. So, for the sex, you will need to engage her mentally so that she WANTS you. How? By meeting all her needs. By NOT Love Busting her (making her unhappy).
> 
> You may think you're doing everything you can, since you're the one who does so much. But look at it this way - and this is TOTALLY hypothetical, as I don't know you two. I'm just taking some things out of the air - replace with whatever works in your situation.
> 
> ...


tunera, it makes perfect sense, however its alot of work that has to take place for along time with hopes but no guarantee of any success. as i read it, your basically saying a man has to work for sex, and thats exactly what most men dont understand, why? i think most woman like sex, i know my wife certainly appears to WHEN we actually have it (she isnt that good of an actor). but she controls when it happens, i have tried the myriad of approaches outlined in books and on here, it still ends up being 2-3 times a month. she is in complete control and it isnt going to change. so yeah, i have thrown my hands up, accepted it, dealt with it and i have learned to channel my displeasure and resentment elsewhere. and yeah, there are rammifications for her too, i dont treat her as a wife anymore because she doesnt treat me like a husband, we are roomates.


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## labtech (Apr 3, 2010)

well me being a woman and kinda going through this myself I'll tell ya what worked for me.

We have two children 4 and 2. I love them to pieces and so blessed i have them, but you are right the hormomes do some crazy things with your system. That being said it is not just an excuse either.
There is something that she is NOT happy with. She may not know what it is, but she is not happy. So I my situation I was embarassed to be naked in front of my husband. We have been together for over 20yrs between dating and being married so he has seen me up and down and pregnant, but it was something deep down I apprently was freaked out over. He loves me unconditionally which sounds like you and your wife, but it doesn't matter. 

So first I suggest you get rid of the children for the evening whether you stay home or go out doesn't matter then you need to look her straight in the face and ask what is the matter sit there until you get an answer.

Also ask her if she has truly ever had an orgasm, I'm not trying pry or judge, but there is a bit of a trick to sex. If she isn't expressing what she wants or needs for you to do she's not reaping the benefits. Reminder that anything goes as long as the both of you are consenting. 

She also needs to learn to clear her mind. Does she have an Ipod if not I really recommed that she get one. Music can do wonders for getting rid of the days stresses. If she pops it in while driving home from work or while she goes for a walk, workout, or even dishes it really helps which may make her more open to connecting with you.

What it took for us was my husband went to work shot his mouth off to a fellow co-worker that I was starting a fitness program and rolled his eyes. He had the gall to come home and tell me this. Well the co-worker comes to our house to watch ufc fites quite often and quite frankly it pissed me off that he mocked me. So I started to work out regularly actually like it now and have changes shape considerably. Now I fell sexier and want to show him. I also got out of the meek phase of not ever speaking my mind or showing emotions while having sex and well it's probly the best it's ever been. 

Hope some of this will help you the best advice I have ever been given and always relay on is you have to be married to your best friend , your buddy. Communication is key without that noone is happy. Good luck to you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> tunera, it makes perfect sense, however its alot of work that has to take place for along time with hopes but no guarantee of any success. as i read it, your basically saying a man has to work for sex, and thats exactly what most men dont understand, why? i think most woman like sex, i know my wife certainly appears to WHEN we actually have it (she isnt that good of an actor). but she controls when it happens, i have tried the myriad of approaches outlined in books and on here, it still ends up being 2-3 times a month. she is in complete control and it isnt going to change. so yeah, i have thrown my hands up, accepted it, dealt with it and i have learned to channel my displeasure and resentment elsewhere. and yeah, there are rammifications for her too, i dont treat her as a wife anymore because she doesnt treat me like a husband, we are roomates.


Like I said, generally speaking, sex is NOT as important to woman for biological reasons. So you have to overcome that. We may enjoy it, but we don't NEED it like men do. It won't consume us or drive our actions, typically. Women have affairs, for example, for the companionship, not the sex.

Humans do what pleases us. We avoid that which displeases us. If you want her to care about sex, you have to make sex something that matters to her, one of her top 5 Emotional Needs (read up on that at marriagebuilders.com). Don't ask me how, lol, but if you break it down to bare essentials, think about her and how her mind works. What would it take for sex to be something she looks forward to? 

Also, don't forget that if you are Love Busting her in any way (also at marriagebuilders.com) then those LBs will keep her from wanting to be intimate with you. It could be something as simple as not putting the toilet seat down despite her asking you to. 

That's why you need to KNOW what she's thinking.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

turnera said:


> Like I said, generally speaking, sex is NOT as important to woman for biological reasons. So you have to overcome that. We may enjoy it, but we don't NEED it like men do. It won't consume us or drive our actions, typically. Women have affairs, for example, for the companionship, not the sex.
> 
> Humans do what pleases us. We avoid that which displeases us. If you want her to care about sex, you have to make sex something that matters to her, one of her top 5 Emotional Needs (read up on that at marriagebuilders.com). Don't ask me how, lol, but if you break it down to bare essentials, think about her and how her mind works. What would it take for sex to be something she looks forward to?
> 
> ...



there is absolutely no way to know what a woman is thinking :rofl:


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Women's sexuality is a lot more complex than just horniness. Most women need to feel safe, desired, and desiring, as well as just horny. Otherwise, the sex is mediocre at best--and most women won't feel particularly horny if they don't feel safe, desired, and desiring. In a committed relationship, failure of a man to follow through on expectations, or other things which tunera calls Love Busters, will affect a woman's feelings of safety with, and desire for, that particular man. 

You and your wife are in a bad place, and that is not an accusation of any type. Spouses as roommates--btdt. You can continue that way until one of you becomes attracted to someone else. Then all bets are off. It would probably turn out better if you tried counseling and, if that didn't help, agreed to end the marriage. Unless you decide on an open marriage. I'd have done that but my dh had no interest in it. 

Anyway, best of luck.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> there is absolutely no way to know what a woman is thinking :rofl:


 lol

Ok, you need her to TELL you what she is thinking. At least if it doesn't work, you were just doing what she SAID she wanted, lol.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

sisters359 said:


> Most women need to feel safe, desired, and desiring, as well as just horny.


so devoting your entire life and existence to just her and nobody else (SAFE), chasing her arse for years to occasionally share natures most loving action (DESIRED) isnt enough? cant speak for the desiring and just horny part, thats on her.

Maybe some women could also try to understand the man, and not just sit back and wait for everything to be perfect for them.


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## del88 (Mar 24, 2010)

It may be wise for both of you to sit down, even if it takes a couple of sessions, and really talk honestly about what you want in your lives and out of your marriage. Then, perhaps some professional counseling can help as well.


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