# Failing Marriage, Opinions Wanted



## Converser (Jun 29, 2013)

Greetings,

This is my very first post. Not too long ago I met my now current wife about 7 years ago. We dated for two years and we got along extremely well.

My wife had our daughter in February of 2009, we got married in October of 2008. Some people say it was because of the baby bells, but I really loved and still do love her. She feels slightly we got married because of the baby on the way. Maybe she's right, maybe she's not. Maybe she didn't feel exactly the same way I did at the time when we got married.

We've now been married over almost 5 years now. And while I haven't cheated, or go out parting, or drink until I'm drunk, or become abusive, I have become very complacent as a father and husband.

I don't pay attention to my wife and daughter as much as I should because I become disinterested. I think it's partly because I wasn't ready emotionally or mentally to be either of those things.

Whenever things get bad I'm good for a few weeks and things look great, then I fall back into the cycle of doing my own things. My face stuck into my phone or computer, not paying attention, not putting in the time I should with my family.

We've gone around this cycle maybe three or four times now. And now recently she says she doesn't think she loves me anymore...

...it caught my attention obviously. She's not sure what she wants to happen. Part of her wants me to stay and another part of her wants me to leave and be done with it. This all happened about 1-2 weeks ago. Since then I've been putting in the effort to be a good father and husband. The problem with the husband part is she doesn't let me try to now. She pushes me away almost. She's taken her ring off, I've asked her to put it back on several times because when I look down at her finger without it on showing she's my wife to the world it makes me sad. It makes me feel like she's ashamed of me.

I want things to work, I want to be a happy family, but i don't know what to do. I've played with the thought of moving out in my mind, but then I can't be the father I want to be to my daughter...

...*sighs* It's just i don't know what to do.

I suppose if I want something I need to fight for it right? And fighting for it would at least be putting in the effort to be the best husband and father that I can be, because at least then I can say that I at least tried to right my wrongs.

It's not like we're constantly fighting or anything either. I've still made her laugh on several cases, but I just feel she has trust issues with me on recycling back around to taking things for granted.

Opinions/Advice?

Thanks


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

I'm sorry you're here. There are several men on here that can give you some good literature to read, but I can try to give you a female perspective. Your situation has some similarities to mine. You can't talk her into changing the way she feels. Don't tell her that you love her over and over. You have to DO things that prove that to her. Make her know it by your actions. Words mean nothing if there is no action behind them. She needs you to be a man. If you want to be her husband, do exactly what you said and BE a husband to her. Make time for just the two of you. Hire a sitter at least once a week and take her out and show her that she is worth your time and effort. Take charge. Don't be a jerk, but alpha up. Don't talk about being a better father to your child... BE a better father to your child. Start doing things with just you and the child. Not only does that allow you time to bond with the child and show her that you are truly interested in being there, but it frees her up to do something for herself. Pay for her to have a mani/pedi while you take the child to the zoo. Actions make all the difference in the world.

Best of luck,
Mattsmom


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## Converser (Jun 29, 2013)

mattsmom said:


> I'm sorry you're here. There are several men on here that can give you some good literature to read, but I can try to give you a female perspective. Your situation has some similarities to mine. You can't talk her into changing the way she feels. Don't tell her that you love her over and over. You have to DO things that prove that to her. Make her know it by your actions. Words mean nothing if there is no action behind them. She needs you to be a man. If you want to be her husband, do exactly what you said and BE a husband to her. Make time for just the two of you. Hire a sitter at least once a week and take her out and show her that she is worth your time and effort. Take charge. Don't be a jerk, but alpha up. Don't talk about being a better father to your child... BE a better father to your child. Start doing things with just you and the child. Not only does that allow you time to bond with the child and show her that you are truly interested in being there, but it frees her up to do something for herself. Pay for her to have a mani/pedi while you take the child to the zoo. Actions make all the difference in the world.
> 
> Best of luck,
> Mattsmom


Thank you for the advice. I appreciate it. Before she left for work today she gave me a kiss. She initiated it. Last night after she went to bed I bought her a dozen roses to be delivered to her at work today saying "Allow these flowers to take the place of what I've said. I'm sorry."

I know it's just flowers, but it's just a start. I've neglected things like this. I'm looking forward to being the best I can be as a honorable husband and father.

I like the pedi/medi. She wouldn't expect that.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Honestly, I think she nailed it. When one's words don't match their actions, their actions always tell the truth. You say you love your wife and always have but your actions said you lost interest. You've lost credibility with your wife. Love is more than a feeling. It's a daily choice and it's a verb. Love acts lovingly. It does loving things. Neglect and disinterest aren't evidence of love. You aren't a leaf in a stream who must wait to see where the water takes it. You determine how your wife and child perceive you by your choices every day. Put their needs and well being before your own and it will be obvious to them in a hundred little ways. In my opinion, the quickest way to win the heart of most mothers is to love their child. You can't neglect mom as a woman, but there's very little that makes a woman feel secure more than seeing her man devoted to his child. 
Having said all that, something changed 1-2 weeks ago. What happened 2 weeks ago that might explain the change? Anybody new in this equation? Now would not be a good time to get moody and withdraw. I'm wondering if there might be another guy lurking around on the perimeter.


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## Converser (Jun 29, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Honestly, I think she nailed it. When one's words don't match their actions, their actions always tell the truth. You say you love your wife and always have but your actions said you lost interest. You've lost credibility with your wife. Love is more than a feeling. It's a daily choice and it's a verb. Love acts lovingly. It does loving things. Neglect and disinterest aren't evidence of love. You aren't a leaf in a stream who must wait to see where the water takes it. You determine how your wife and child perceive you by your choices every day. Put their needs and well being before your own and it will be obvious to them in a hundred little ways. In my opinion, the quickest way to win the heart of most mothers is to love their child. You can't neglect mom as a woman, but there's very little that makes a woman feel secure more than seeing her man devoted to his child.
> Having said all that, something changed 1-2 weeks ago. What happened 2 weeks ago that might explain the change? Anybody new in this equation? Now would not be a good time to get moody and withdraw. I'm wondering if there might be another guy lurking around on the perimeter.


1-2 weeks ago it came back full cycle again. I fell into being complacent and not taking interest as I should be. Nothing changed with her. She reacted the way I expect her to if I'm doing what I'm doing. I don't think there's another man in the equation, but I think if I don't right my wrongs that will be happening very, very soon.

The reason I say this is becuase she's not a person to go out at night at the bars, she doesn't and I don't drink at all. Ever. She's been talking about going downtown with a co-worker possible. She even told me she wants to see if other guys take an interest to her.

I think there's two reasons for this. Obviously one because of my actions and what's happening, and two I'm the first and only man she's ever been with in her life. So I wonder if she feels she can do better than me or is at least curious if she can. If it's the truth it's the truth and it is what it is, but I cannot deny that it hurt a lot when she basically said she's curious to see if another guy would take interest in her.

While I've been complacent and disinterested I've never thought about leaving her or cheating on her. I've just had trouble giving the attention I need to. I'm the type of guy where if I'm in a relationship with a woman, my eyes don't wander to what another woman looks like, or if they're attractive or not. My eyes are focused on my woman and her only.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Tell her trying to get other mens attention is a deal breaker
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Converser, 

You've on the board a bit now. I'm sure you read many of the threads and found some ideas and some of the recommended reading. What are you willing to do? Would you work at improving yourself and the your side of the relationship without any reassurance that she would recommit?

BTW, Why did you stop dating your wife? What do you think your complacency is about? Do you have ADD tendencies?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Are you in love with your wife? Even better question..do you LIKE your wife? I did not see you state that you love her. You say you are trying to be a better husband, and while that is admirable, was your distance due to true disinterest in your wife? I detected no passion toward her from the beginning.

You need one on one couple time. Every day. Date each other. Read the book His Needs, Her Needs together, you may be totally unaware what you each need from the other.


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## soulconnection (Jul 10, 2013)

I think mattsmom did nail it. I think the flowers were definitely a nice gesture but honestly, in the long run, it's not going to mean much. Please don't take this the wrong way, because I know that it was your way of showing that you care and I'm sure she got that. But right now you are in "clean-up" mode and she knows this. Those flowers need to come at a random moment when you don't need to send them. Taking time to hang with your child while she gets a mani/pedi should not be just a "clean-up" move, it should be a regular thing that you do (it doesn't always have to be a mani/pedi and it doesn't always have to be the zoo. It can be as simple as taking your child to get ice cream while she chills at home). I would also like to add, when you do pay more attention to her, your marriage and children, don't look to her to give you an award for it. The award is having a happy wife and family.

My story is not identical to your wife's but I will tell you that if my husband showed up more in our marriage and as a father it would definitely put me in a less "fight or flight" mindset.


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