# When will the anger and hurt end?



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I find that I am in a vicious cycle of starting fights about stupid things just so I can throw it back at him what he did. I feel so betrayed and hurt by it..I want to be able to focus on repairing the relationship but can't seem to get past my anger.

When we were in MC the counsellor tried to make me focus on what the marriage was like previous to the EA (it was crappy) and my role in it and even with that I can't seem to focus on anything but what he did. H has tried to make me understand his train of thought and how it felt to him when I rejected him both sexually and emotionally thru the marriage and i get that but my mind keeps focusing and obsessing about what he did. It is like I cannot see past his EA. 

Basically our marriage is crap right now because I am filled with such rage that I am picking fights with him over the stupidest things. It is like I am reverting back to that unlovable spouse that made him unhappy..I feel like I am watching a train wreck occur right in front of me. After six months I feel at times like my anger is not dissipating but instead increasing. He is doing everything right in trying to make amends however my anger is beating me.

I need some good advice from the wise ones here.


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## WeDoExist (Mar 6, 2012)

I too am struggling w/ issues like this w/ my wife. I just have so much resentment about her PA that sometimes I CANNOT think about anything else.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Your feelings are completely natural and understandable but could be potentially very dangerous, especially if you had a crappy marriage to begin with. It negates the motivation to put in the effort to save something that's frankly not worth it. Not many cheating husbands, as you can read on this site, are doing the right thing to make amends for their betrayal and if your bitterness remains protracted it will definitely damage your chances for a successful reconciliation. I don't want to say "count yourself lucky" because no one is lucky to have a cheating spouse but at least give him a chance for all his efforts and try to build yourself an alarm system in your mind any time you feel like creating a squabble for no reason. 

Their might be a lot of underlying reasons here that you have to address.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

If you are picking little fights to launch into an argument about "what he did", hows does this help you? Do you feel that he needs to be punished? Maybe somehow, if you don't keep the pressure on, he'll get away with something? etc.....etc.....

I am just wondering what you are getting out of the arguments....It might give you a clue to what will resolve it for you, ultimately. I am in R and sometimes I just need him to help me get through the disappointment of it all.....and I don't really know if that will be enough, in the end. How will we know if we don't try? 

Sometimes its best to just say, "I am having a hard time with all this right now." When you say this to yourself or your H----what does this mean to you? Does it mean you go for a walk. Does it mean he listens to you express yourself? Maybe it means you work in your garden, I don't know-----only you can know that.....how did you normally deal with frustration before the EA?

If you find that you have really tried R and you just can't do it.....that is ok, also. But if you are just trying to cope....he should understand that. Meanwhile, take good care of yourself.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I think that you hit the nail on the head...I feel that since we never separated when I discovered the EA that maybe he didn't get punished enough..I don't know! I find that I usually feel better after a fight..after I get out all of my anger then I feel cleansed..but only for a little while then within a day or two I feel it building up again. 

I think it makes me feel good to make those sarcastic comments to him about what he did.

As well I feel that if I never bring it up again that he will think in his mind that I am over it. I have never experienced this kind of pain before as well as the insecurity I have in the relationship..this is someone I though would never do this to me. It is a terrible feeling! As well a part of me wants him to experience what he did to me....


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

highwood said:


> I think that you hit the nail on the head...I feel that since we never separated when I discovered the EA that maybe he didn't get punished enough..I don't know! I find that I usually feel better after a fight..after I get out all of my anger then I feel cleansed..but only for a little while then within a day or two I feel it building up again.
> 
> I think it makes me feel good to make those sarcastic comments to him about what he did.
> 
> As well I feel that if I never bring it up again that he will think in his mind that I am over it. I have never experienced this kind of pain before as well as the insecurity I have in the relationship..this is someone I though would never do this to me. It is a terrible feeling! As well a part of me wants him to experience what he did to me....


Yeah.....those feelings are understandable. I feel for what you are going through. I know it seems like forgiveness is a free pass that says, "its ok to hurt me". And there is no way they are getting that pass!!!!!!!!!

It is because the world is so full of selfishness that your trust is a gift. And it was like pearls before swine to them...

Its just that we have to deal with it in a way that isn't destructive. Why? You know (anger is like drinking poison hoping the other person will die) it won't work. And you need your life to work. You are done with all this, right?

Just see if you can find something/ some way to deal with the anger in a more constructive way. I like writing and burning what i wrote in the fireplace. It feels great! When I get really frustrated, I practice the more difficult Beethoven sections....My mother used to go out and smash old plates behind the garage. I thought she was working on a mosaic!

Tell him how you are feeling without the stupid fights to help the marriage.........but find a good way to process your darker feelings to help yourself, no matter what he did/ is doing/ failed to do. You'll feel better. Much better.


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## RecoveredinArizona (Mar 19, 2012)

I understand what you are going though. It has been 18 months since I discovered my wife was involved in a PA. I was tempted to go out and have my own PA to get back at her. . . came dangerously close. I have rolled up the windows in my car and shouted till I was hoarse, cried till tears would not come. But in the end, I had to let it go. To continue dwell on her PA was to continue to allow here actions to ruin my life. That served no good purpose. 

So, I have forgiven her, and am doing everything I can to show her that I love her . . . and loving her that way has had an incredibly good effect on the way she reacts to me. It still hurts, but the hurt is manageable and gets less as time goes on. 

Please don't let your husband's actions continue to rule you life. Take control, forgive him and accept what he is doing to make it right. Show him love and affection. You will be surprised at what beautiful things can come . . . even through the hurt. I once saw a wild fire destroy a beautiful section of desert. After the fire the land was black and scorched, destroyed. But the next year with the winter rains, that scorched patch of desert produced the most beautiful wild flowers I have ever seen! That can happen to your marriage as well.

My heart goes out to you . . . and my prayers.

Steve from Tucson


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Awesome...some great words of advice! My sister recommended that I try journaling..I should do that. Write it down and then shred it. As well I am thinking that I am into fitness so why not when I start feeling angry/hurt grab the dog and then go for a run...even if it is just for 10 minutes or so...just to calm down. Heck even come on here and post about how angry I feel helps!


It is nice to know that none of us are alone in this and all the feelings, etc. are normal.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I'm sorry you're dealing with this  But yeah, you do need to get past the mud slinging if there's a hope of you staying together.

How often does he apologize to you? Is he contrite?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Yes, he is contrite. I think due to the antidepressants that he was on he said because they kill any romantic/libido feelings that you have..that he thought that he would see if it was just me (nice!) but he realized with this EA that he was not feeling those kinds of feelings for her..but still he carried thru with the flirtatious emails instead of just ending it when he got back home.

I think he enjoyed the flattery and attention she gave him and I admit I was not doing that myself however he had opportunities where he could have ended it but he did not. Luckily this chick basically told him where to go when I sent her the email letting her know that he had lied and he was not separated as he had claimed. There is a part of me that kind of feels sorry for her.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

highwood said:


> Awesome...some great words of advice! My sister recommended that I try journaling..I should do that. Write it down and then shred it. As well I am thinking that I am into fitness so why not when I start feeling angry/hurt grab the dog and then go for a run...even if it is just for 10 minutes or so...just to calm down. Heck even come on here and post about how angry I feel helps!
> 
> 
> It is nice to know that none of us are alone in this and all the feelings, etc. are normal.


Going for a run with your dog? Wow, that is really a great idea, even if it is only 10 minutes.....I miss my dog so much it hurts....i wish I had another 10 minutes with her..... she was a wonderful, loyal companion for over 13 years...You are lucky to have a pooch to run with!

Great for the body, mind and spirit.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

First, stop it. You said it is making things worse.
Second, get into anger management and learn ways to address this and ways to make positive steps.
Third, walk away. Let your hubby know you are fuming and walk away when you trigger. It does you no good and it does not help him.
Fourth, anger is a poison. It poisons your soul. Left to fester and grow it will kill you.
Fifth, know that anger is normal but you are out of control with it. Stop it.
Sixth, do you have a religious background or tradition?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

For anger: do breathing exercises. It takes weeks of practice to manage the anger.

Demon of anger breaks out as it is already there inside you, only waiting to break open the cage ....

Don't pay any attention to hurt. Why? He cheated you. Not you cheated him. It is his fault. Not yours.

How you will not pay attention to hurt? By realizing that he cheated.

However, you say your marriage was crappy. Maybe some contemplation on why it was crappy would be helpful?

In any case, take care.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

I agree w/ Thorburn. You seriously need to work on yourself. Are you in IC? My life was complete crap until I did got my own head squared away.


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