# When the Pain Hits Later



## BiscuitMom (Oct 16, 2009)

I have posted on and off here for years, starting when I found out about his first EA (maybe PA?).

My husband had secret online friendships from the very start of our marriage. I found out about the first about two weeks after our first anniversary when I was pregnant with our first child. There was no evidence of any romance, just an online friendship with a female that I was not aware of. I flipped out. It was ended. I explained I don't care so much about the friendshihp but that it was kept secret. He said it was just an oversight. 

After that he still seemed to chat with women online a lot but told me just enough that I didn't think much about it. I had online friendships too (mine were females from parenting boards/his were met in online chat groups which I was rather clueless about). Life was good to me. The only trouble was while he doted on our daughter when she was born, he was very jealous of our son. Our son took up more time because he was premature. At that time, I had two under 2 in diapers, etc. I was too exhausted for sex but we still had it 2-3 times a month and then it picked up again once the baby was sleeping through the night and I was getting more sleep. 

Then 3 years later, I had to another city four hours away for a year for work reasons. I had our two kids with me and so I was single parenting during the week and working a very stressful job and he would come up on weekends. Within 2 months, he started an emotional affair with a girl that he met online. He then lied to me saying he could not come up because he was too tired to drive 4 hours to me and instead drove 4 hours to see her (at least once that I know of). He forgot my birthday in this year. I had various suspicions about things but never any proof. I didn't really think about it enough to snoop. Sex was good most weekends but I was on depo and that and single mothering hurt my drive some. This worried me and we talked about it. So we opted for me to go of depro and for him to have a vasectomy. That picked things back up. 

After the year, I came home. Life returned to normal. There was a period where he was out of work for 6 months and I had two jobs to get us through. He kept himself locked in his office supposedly looking for work but reality was I was still handling all the kids stuff, house stuff, meals, etc except putting them to bed. We had to stop sex for a bit because I was bleeding daily. After a month of it, I went to doctor and had surgery and back to normal. Complaints coming in that twice a week was not enough but at this point, sex was wham bam thank you ma'am. No orgasms for me. I really thought this was mostly stress from not working and then the new job and then starting his own company. Then after 2 years of being home, we got some dogs who were chewing things up. We took turns sleeping on the couch to keep them from tearing things up. Then he started sleeping on the couch for that reason soley. This lasted two years until I said, "Enough, come back to bed or I am leaving." During this period, he stopped saying, he loved me. At first, he stopped initiating saying it and then eventually stopped replying to me when I said it. When he came back to bedroom, our sexlife skyrocketed but he was constantly going to strip bars and bars for work. Money was just disappearing right and left and it was always blamed on me being a stay at home mom. Then for that Easter, he kept touching me like he wanted sex but then not going for it and then sleeping when I touched back. The kids woke up and wanted to go down to see their Easter Baskets (still young enough to believe in Easter BUnny). At that moment, he made his move sexually and I turned him down because I wanted to see the kids see their baskets. The kids and I went to church, and when we returned, he gave us all the silent treatment for the rest of the day,. Ruined Easter. Then two months later, he came home and gave silent treatment because the house was a mess. The mess was that McDonalds was still on the table and things spilled. I was upstairs cleaning. His friend came over to fix vacuum. I had completely emptied our daughter's room and was doing a deep clean. It's one of those projects that time consume you so that you can't go downstairs and do the "little things". However, he never came upstairs to see what I was doing. Just refused to talk and left the house. That is when I really started suspecting that something was up. About a week later, I caught him chatting online with a female. Oh the lies that came out of that. I busted story after story. He was being weird. He wanted a divorce but he didn't. I wanted to save the marriage. At this time, I found out by his EA of 5 years. He claimed it was just an online friend that he kept hidden because I was jealous. It took two more years when I caught a text that she sent saying she was getting married and thought he should know before he admitted it was more. It was only this year (7.5 years after D day) that he admitted to kissing her. 

So counseling for 1-2 years. Things seemed good except for the one text (which was a closure text IMO) and one text intercepted that was a stripper that I had worked with for a few weeks when I was bartending. He did some work at the bar and got her number and email and they talked. I had told him that I was not comfortable with this. He agreed to stop communication and the text was a silly one sent to a group and nothing individual or anything. So all is good. 

Then the kids went to high school (we had been homeschoolers) and I started working and volunteering at one of the schools. He seemed to be jealous. Our relationship was going to the tubes for no explainable reason. I kept trying and asking about counseling, books, etc. It was ebb and flow. The fall of the second year they were in school, it was just too much. He was always mad, refusing to talk to me, not wanting sex. I started having suspicious so I got into his laptop and found a crapload of stuff. He had so many relationships going that my head still spins and it had been going on for almost 2 years! No EAs -just all these women met on Craigslist and tons of money spent on them. I asked for a divorce. He cried and wanted a chance. Since he NEVER cries and I do love him, I gave him one. He agreed to counseling and lie detector test but asked to do 3 months of counseling before the test so that he can get out all the truth. He really didn't seem to want to take the test. he got mad when I was on phone with guy to set it up. 

We started counseling but our son ran away and then my husband got sick and then well life. 

Now, it's almost a year later. He has worked hard. There is nothing wrong. He is accountable. I have no reason to suspect anything. However, the triggers have been heavy. His sister is going through a divorce and we are close and her situation triggers mine. My husband made an offhand comment about our sex life (me not being wild enough) that triggered my thoughts on all these craigslist women (he claims he never slept with them). The whole month of October and November are triggers because of what he was doing last year at this time. Anyway, it's like NOW it's all hitting me like a ton of bricks. Why now? I can't even function right now. It's worse than when I discovered it. 

I have tried to talk to him. He said we should go back to counseling and he talked about how hard he is working to be the man I want him to be (and that rubbed me the wrong way). He said he has done everything possible. I reminded him that he never took the lie detector test. He doesn't want to take it. He doesn't trust it. He keeps saying he is worried that it will say he 's lying when he's just nervous or whatever. I said to me that I think it means he is guilty of lying to me about what he claims is the truth. How can I know the truth when his history is only the truth for what I know but lie about the rest? I don't care at this point if he slept with those women (as I believe) or not (as he claims). I just want to be able to trust him to tell me the truth. I just can't shake the nagging feeling that the truth is still out there and I'm being a fool.

So, I don't know. Do I push the issue or not. Do I divorce or not. Do I try counseling or not. Why is this all surfacing in me now?

I love him. I don't want to mess up our family. I feel like he's trying and that he loves me and right things are good (except for these triggers). On the other hand, I think there is something wrong with him that he's never addressed. Some underlying issue that is related to his ego at a minimum. I feel like our ENTIRE marriage has been a lie. I am now not sure if there was ever a period of time where he was not pursuing other women online. I keep waiting for the ball to drop. It may never drop but it may. I am so confused.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I don't blame you. 

You have been extremely patient and tolerant. No wonder you feel stressed.

I guess it just depends on how much you can continue to be that way with him.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

BiscuitMom said:


> I reminded him that he never took the lie detector test. He doesn't want to take it. He doesn't trust it. He keeps saying he is worried that it will say he 's lying when he's just nervous or whatever. I said to me that I think it means he is guilty of lying to me about what he claims is the truth.
> 
> *Of course he doesn't want to take it. He's lying. *
> 
> ...


I'm sorry you're here.


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## BiscuitMom (Oct 16, 2009)

I do want to add -we get along great. We have a lot of common interests. We do a lot together now. Our sex life is good (IMHO). I can't imagine ever sleeping with another person again, He has given me all his passwords. I have full access to his phone, computer. I have keys to his office and go check his office computer and phone at anytime.I even have his laptop here so I can see what messages he gets at work. He rarely goes anywhere without me now (at his request). Even if I don't go, he asks me if I want to go. I have zero reasons to suspect anything now. He's actually doing things around the house now, sending me flowers, saying he loves me frequently, date nights, etc. 

My issue is getting over the past. I know he's lying and probably lying out of self-preservation because he doesn't want me to leave and he knows I will be hurt once I know the truth (and I know I will, it's one thing to believe it and know it in your heart and another to know it for sure) and he probably thinks since he doesn't ever plan to do this again, there is no reason to put it out there. I can empathize with his dilemma (to a point, he brought it on himself).

I just can't stop wondering "why" he did this. Is his desire alone enough to change? Can he change? What is wrong with him? What is wrong with me? Why is it just now hitting me like a ton of bricks -11 months after the last D-day?


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## thebirdman (Apr 5, 2014)

You will be unable to close that door until the truth is out there. Your husband is going to have to tell you what happened. Not nitty gritty details; you don't need to know that but an overall summary of what took place. He probably is afraid of what will happen if he is honest with you. I know I was when I told my wife, but I wanted to close that door and I knew there was no way that I could until I laid all the cards on the table, even if she didn't want to be with me anymore. 
You may never get an answer to the "why" question that truly satisfies your want to know. Your husband should explore this though. He needs to know "why." That is essential for him to ensure that he does not repeat his past mistakes.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

There seems to be a pattern of everything is fine, maybe even great, until something sets your spidey senses to tingling and you catch him cheating...yet again.

How can you trust that he's not doing the same thing now? Because he cried and begged for a...what? 4th, 5th, 9th chance? That's the most common manipulation cheaters use to escape consequences. Right out of the playbook. Also, trickle truthing up til "we kissed" translates to "we were fvcking like rabbits."


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

BiscuitMom said:


> I know he's lying and probably lying out of self-preservation because he doesn't want me to leave and he knows I will be hurt once I know the truth (and I know I will, it's one thing to believe it and know it in your heart and another to know it for sure) and he probably thinks since he doesn't ever plan to do this again, there is no reason to put it out there. I can empathize with his dilemma (to a point, he brought it on himself).
> 
> I just can't stop wondering "why" he did this. Is his desire alone enough to change? Can he change? What is wrong with him? What is wrong with me? Why is it just now hitting me like a ton of bricks -11 months after the last D-day?


BiscuitMom,

When I advised you to divorce, it was because your husband is still lying to you and because he refuses to take a poly - that he had previously agreed to take. That indicates that no matter how nice he's acting otherwise, he is trying to avoid consequences and is thus not truly remorseful. And his unconditional remorse is absolutely necessary for you to avoid a false R.

IF, he either confesses the truth and/or is willing to take a poly; then you have a starting point to "consider" continuing R. But even if he does confess, it will likely be trickled truth and you should still insist on the poly.

As to why this is just hitting you now; I don't think that's unusual. The same thing happened to me at the one year mark after Dday; even though my WW had demonstrated remorse. After the hysterical bonding ended and I looked back on my initial mistakes in handling things; I questioned my decision. I came close to ending it. But we got through it. It's now been 4 years.

So a successful, true R is possible. But not with a lying husband.


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## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

Divorce is like death. Once it's done there is no way back. Do not do it unless you are sure this is what you need and that this will make your life better. Usually, it also helps to know why you are divorcing. Not in terms of sunk costs (past) but in terms of future (as in what it is he is doing today that makes you consider divorce). 

Please do not adopt any more dogs, don't take up any more tasks like homeschooling kids, let go of some messes in the house, and just take care of your own precious self. You may be generally depressed from exhaustion.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

rubymoon said:


> Usually, it also helps to know why you are divorcing.


That "why" is usually clearer once you know "what" you'd be trying to forgive, if you didn't D. And she has to get the full truth from him for that to happen.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Why don't you tell him you're filing for divorce unless he takes the test. If he takes it and passes you MIGHT leave but if he refuses you will leave. 

I don't know why you'd bother though, you're married to a serial cheat and liar who likely will do it again. Maybe you get enough out of the marriage otherwise to put up with it but if you choose stay married you'll have to make peace with it.

As soon as things settle down he'll do it again, then cry and beg. It's a familiar pattern, we've all seen it before.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

You are a saint. He doesn't deserve you. From that many so called online nothings, to catching him in lie after lie etc. Besides the kids at what point do say enough. If he had nothing to fear from a diagnostic tool, in helping to relieve his wife's fact based suspicions about relationships outside of marriage, why would he/she not comply. Answer, because there is something to hide. Time and time again your trust in him is no longer marrow deep. Hence the polygraph. I've had to take a few for work they are always nerve wracking to those who take, who have zero to hide. Many people I work with, are opposed because it's integrity thing. But in order to quell any suspicions of deception or wrong doing, I'm all for it. Stops the bs. You are not satisfied with his answers, because his behavior and his online bs aren't adding up.

IMHO, you should sit him down and tell him I don't trust you and here are my reasons. Take the polygraph. Ease my concerns and establish a baseline of trust. From there you should be on solid ground. If not put your affairs, sorry for the wording, in order all the while doing a 180 program on him. Make time to exercise, with two kiddos I know it's hard. Doll yourself up let him physically see what he has and what he will lose. Shake him up. Wake him up. Take care and go find your happiness if he doesn't comply. Good luck.


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## BiscuitMom (Oct 16, 2009)

He has chosen the option of divorce over taking the polygraph. He says there is no point in taking the polygraph because if he passes, I still won't ever trust him. He thinks he will fail because he finds them embarrassing and he will be nervous. He has now concocted a story that he had to take one for a background check and failed it because he was nervous. I Have called BS on this story. Why am I learning about it now after 18 years of being together? Why didn't it come out when I first asked and he agreed to the polygraph.

More trickle truths came out last night and he tried to back peddle once I called him on his discrepancies. 

It really saddens me that he wants to throw away our marriage to protect his lies. I don't get it. If he's lying to prevent divorce, then why divorce to keep from telling the truth? Makes no sense to me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

In truth, there is no such thing as "normal" with your idiot of a husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I'm sorry.

You have your answers as to why, be's still cheating, he's never told you the truth, he's afraid of creating concrete proof, and the best part ITS YOUR FAULT for not trusting him. Classic.

Reading your first post in this thread, there were multiple instances of him stopping, except...... You need to admit that he never stopped, he merely became more skillful at hiding it from you.

I don't doubt that in his mind, he loves you. But ask yourself is that the way you deserve to be loved. I don't think so. I think you deserve much, much more.


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## BiscuitMom (Oct 16, 2009)

It's just a lot to process. I love him so deeply and I don't know why because I really don't know who he actually is. I don't know what he was seeking and I guess I will never know. he doesn't seem to know. When I ask why, I either get "I don't know" or some lame excuse that I was not paying enough attention to him. We're talking ordinary life busyness that every couple goes through. When he started his first affair, we only saw each other weekends. We did something as a family on those weekends. I wanted a few hours downtime where he looked after the kids and let me just relax because I worked 9 hour days, had a big commute, had 2 toddlers and was single parent all week. I was up at 5:00 AM, ready, kids to daycare, drive to work, work 9 hours at a very stressful job, worked out at lunch, grocery shopped after worked, pick up kids, fix dinner, do the baths, bedtimes, and something enriching with them each day, etc. so no, I did not want to stay up late chatting like OW did. I did chat daily but not long. I sent him cards. I tried to make weekends special when he came up but then he quit coming up every weekend because he was "too tired" and was driving the same distance to see OW. I just found out last night in a trickle truth that she did not know he was married with kids when he first went to see her and kissed her, etc. So he's double the jerk for deceiving two women. I can't believe she kept up the affair for 5 years. I had a guy do that to me once and he went packing the minute I found out. I don't play with other people's husbands -no matter how "sad" their tale is. Anyway, the whole feeling neglected thing doesn't move me. My sent box is full of emails over the years begging him to pay attention to me and saying I don't get the need for HOURS of downtime each night (one saying how is watching a 2 hour documentary that only you want to watch, playing an hour of video games, and the reading for 30 minutes not enough downtime-and he is the one feeling neglected?) If anyone had a reason to have an affair it was me!!! I didn't throw him a birthday party for his 40th? He did throw a small one for my 40th but he took somebody else out to eat on my 39th and didn't come see me even though he was 30 minutes away (he was on business and I was visiting my mom -we even had a built in babysitter). He also had forgotten my 34th completely and ignored most of our anniversaries (presents were in the mail -have not arrived more than a decade later. I was told it arrived broken, so he sent it back.)

Last night he still swore there was never any sex and none of this was ever about sex and why did I always have to make it about sex. I just said one does not hang out with Hooters waitress, drug addicts, runaway teen moms, strippers, and escorts for their stimulating intellectual conversation, much less solicit *****s on Craigslist. Not a single one of these situations were something that "just happened" because of working close, etc. Most, he sought out online and the rest were people he met by being at places that he should not have been. One just does not happen to give a 20 year old waitress his business card. I waitressed a good chunk of my life and when guys gave me their business card, it was usually about wanting sex. Only occasionally was it sincere business but my husband's business is not one that strippers and waitresses need and in 18 years of marriage, he's never given a waitress his card when we eating out together. At social functions that we attend, he sits and mopes in the corner and plays with the dog if there is one. He has a hard time being social, but if I am not there, he can talk to a waitress long enough to begin paying her rent? One that is more than half his age. My daddy and I are closer in age than he was with two of the girls. 

I was just so tired of hearing how "hard" he is working on our marriage now. Really? What is different? He has always told me where he was going and when he was leaving, etc. Always. It is just that he was not telling the truth then or he really was "at work" but just sitting there chatting and texting other women. So how is it harder now? The only thing harder is I can see all texts and facebook messages and emails at anytime I chose and I can see exactly where he is because of GPS. His replay was now he does things with me too and invites me places. I said, he invited me before but I could not always go because of the kids. If anything it is me working harder to fit him into my day. Plus, when he started one relationship: We went to church every Sunday and volunteered too, we went to our football fan club every Sunday (usually with kids but sometimes just the two of us), we taught a homeschool class together once a week, we volunteered together all the time, we were always attending things that are kids were in, we were constantly hosting teen socials, working on fixing up the house together, went out with friends, I worked at his office frequently, we had gone on a few family vacations. We were everyone's perfect couple at the time. He says the money was because she blackmailed him. I asked, "if your first experience going online to find someone to sext turned how so badly, why did you go back????" He doesn't know. Of course, my concern is if you don't know why you do things then how are you going to stop doing them in the future? Anyway, yes he gives me flowers often now but he gave them to me during his affairs. So again, how is that harder? 

He was also mad that I told him I didn't want him initiating chats with female friends period. I don't care if they are "like a sister." If you have a question to ask, fine. If they initiate with you, it's fine to be not be rude. But don't start chats just to talk. I have a lot of male friends but I follow those rules. I don't initiate contact unless there is a specific reason like a question. I politely chat if they initiate but I keep it short. I don't seek out men for casual conversation, even those that I love "like a brother." It's just how I protect my marriage and well, he has proven time and again, that he is seeking something. He may not know what but he is seeking. 

UGH!!!!! Sorry to vent so long but I'm just so aggravated.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

BiscuitMom said:


> He has chosen the option of divorce over taking the polygraph. ... If he's lying to prevent divorce, then why divorce to keep from telling the truth? Makes no sense to me.


Because whatever lie he is hiding is much worse than what you think he did. He figures if you are going to divorce him over that, he might as well let you, because if you ever find out the truth you'll surely divorce him. He may even face prison time. Are you sure all the young ladies he solicited were over 18?

Sorry for planting that disgusting thought in your head. But, it fits.


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## BiscuitMom (Oct 16, 2009)

Acoa said:


> Because whatever lie he is hiding is much worse than what you think he did. He figures if you are going to divorce him over that, he might as well let you, because if you ever find out the truth you'll surely divorce him. He may even face prison time. Are you sure all the young ladies he solicited were over 18?
> 
> Sorry for planting that disgusting thought in your head. But, it fits.


Everyone that I found via emails, I have thoroughly investigated to the point, I know their Amazon orders, their pandora playlists, etc. The youngest was 18/19 at the time.


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