# Should I take back my fiance of 6 years?



## miss detective (Mar 9, 2011)

I have just joined this forum because I actually do not who I can talk to about this. I would really appreciate your thoughts.

I was supposed to getting married in 18 months, to my fiance. We have been together 6 years and I thought everything was wonderful. Just 2 weeks ago when I was ill, he sent me a message asking to stay a few days. (We dont live together), when he stays over he never asks, he just comes so it seemed very strange. I rang him asking who he was texting, he said he couldnt be bothered to attend a family arrangement in the next city....He later came with fruit and chocolates, nice things for his sick fiance but told me he couldnt avoid the event and was taking his mother.

He didnt ring me that night or text me but then turned up at mine very early the next morning. I dont know what it was but as he slept i checked his phone and discovered he had been with another woman. I rang her and she was racist to me, angry at me like I was the other woman....I threw his phone at him and kicked him out. He has been grovelling and cut this woman off straight away but I cant stop hurting. I had my life planned out with him.

He has been amazing these last 6 years, a really good man in every way appart from this. I just dont understand how he could have a an affair and hurt me this way. It was going on on for 3 months. He said it was just sex, like a midlife crisis and he is so sorry.

I cannot explain how betrayed i feel and the pain he has caused.

He wants me to give him another chance but Im really confused. I still love him dearly but I know love makes us stupid. Please help. Im sorry for the long rant.


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## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

Hey Miss Detective. I'm sorry you're here under these horrid circumstances. There are other people here that can give advice better than me, but I'll just say a few things. First of all, I'll send you internet HUGS 'cause I know how much you're hurting. Take a few deep breaths, you're in a good place to be supported. The next thing I'll say is...sadly, there may be more to this than you think. Disloyal spouses (often called DS on here) will often not tell the whole truth. This may not be the first affair. He only told you about it once he got caught, so he is obviously willing to lie. You may need to do more detective work. If you want to work on this and he is willing, there is work to be done. 

From memory, these are the things he needs to do to fix this:
1. he needs to be totally honest and transparent (give you access to all his email, passwords, phone, his whereabouts at all times)
2. he needs to make sure the other woman is told NOT TO CONTACT HIM and you see him do this (dont believe him just cause he said he did it)
3. he needs to fix whatever allowed this to happen in the first place...he obviously has some issues.

if you want to make this work i think couples counselling and individual counselling for him too are imperative.

But do you want to make it work? he cheated...maybe you dont want to be with him anymore. its your right to walk away once he's cheated on you!

other people will come in here and explain this better than me 

abbreviations you'll see around the site:
DS - disloyal spouse
LS - loyal spouse
OW - other woman
OH - other man
H - husband
W - wife

just to help out


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## miss detective (Mar 9, 2011)

Thank you xena, youre really kind. I need some objective advice like that, I actually just took his word, see how stupid love has made me.

He says it wasnt anything I did or didnt do, he was just stupid and it was offered up on a plate. Maybe this is a lie and he doesnt want to upset me?

I do want for things to work out but I dont know if this is being naiive.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Don't take him back. Kick him to the curb and move on. Be thankful that you aren't married with kids and property.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I agree, infidelity changes a relationship forever, you will always wonder, I think you are lucky to have found out before you were married.
It's not okay now or when you are married to have sex with someone else when you are committed to someone else. It's not okay, don't be okay with it.........you must respect yourself he isn't ............


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You are not married yet and cheated and does not know why, that means there is nothing that you do can fix this. He is likely to cheat agin and not know why. Plus, having children changes the level of stress, and he may find that as a reason to cheat. 

Please don't talk your self into staying you will regret it when you are stuck many women do. He does not love your enough to avoid hurting you. If he feels that way after 6 yrs, he will feel the same way when you get married, why put yourself through that. 

I think you should let him go and find someone who can be loyal to you and not humiliate and hurt you for no reason. Many women hang on when the man begs only to regret it when you are stuck with him. 

By 18 months you will be able to find a good man and be married. Leave with your dignity in tack. There is no reason to wait 6 yrs, 2 yrs is usually adequate to know if you love enough to get married. if it not happening in two yrs. get out and find someone who is ready for a commitment.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

No, don't take him back.
Can't commit and cheats. You deserve more in life.


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## miss detective (Mar 9, 2011)

This is so harsh but thank you all. I need a voice of reason. its just so horrible and difficult. Some of you are talking about were not married yet like that would make a difference? would it?

Do you think because i delayed us getting married thats a reason? i was studying and wanted to be settled financially before the wedding. I would never even look at another man, delay wasnt because I didnt want to commit; I was already. I dont know people cope with this, my world have come crashing down.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Sweety, I think what people mean about not being married and it being easier is, not that it's emotionally easier.. it's just a bit easier to walk away, there is no Divorce issues, no complications with children etc.. 

My H had an emotional affair, left me, a month later he boarded a plane and was sleeping with her two hours after landing.. and for the last 4 months I have been trying to get him back... we have 3 children.. but something clicked in my last night.. WE are better than what these men give us, we DESERVE more.

I know it hurts more than anything else in the world, but in some respects you are lucky, I am sure you're a stunning young woman with everything going for her.. I am a soon to be 31 year old with 3 kids and cancer... not so much of a catch..I have whole lot of baggage.

I know you don't want to hear people tell you to get rid of him, you want to try and see the 'good' in him, your fianceé wouldn't do that to you, he loves you.. But Sweety he did, and he doesn't deserve you, if you really want him back.. and think you can get over it... Make him work his Arse off, don't give in so easily...

I am giving up with my H now, I am walking away, it hurts, I am scared but a future without him, is a better future than always wondering if he is with someone else xx


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

miss detective said:


> Some of you are talking about were not married yet like that would make a difference? would it?
> 
> Do you think because i delayed us getting married thats a reason?


No. You just delayed or hopefully prevented finding out that your husband is a cheater.

He would have done it anyway.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

well, the decision is up to you, but playing devil's advocate...


Have is occurred to you that if you have been together 6 years and still have 18 months to go, and that you will have been exclusive with this man for 7.5 years when you do get married?

It seems to me that he may not be that commited. I mean after all, most people get married within 2 years... you are pushing 8. 

Just think about it.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I don't understand the 6 years part. Why get married at all? Six years?


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## miss detective (Mar 9, 2011)

Thank you for the messages, I cant even imagine what some of you are going through right now or have been dealing with. I am blessed in that I dont have added pressures a responsibilities like children. I see what you are saying. I just thought I had my life planned out already, career, home, wedding, family...urgh i hope time passes fast. smh


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> I don't understand the 6 years part. Why get married at all? Six years?


I was with my wife for 7+ years before we got married.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

We were together 10 years before we married.


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## miss detective (Mar 9, 2011)

Thanks for the comments guys. I was too weak to leave him so gave him a chance, he wanted to get married last week. he changed his number. He told the other woman in no uncertain terms what he thought of her and that he loved me and begged her to not contact him (while i was there as proof)......all this and i think we can make a go...

BUT you were all right. so right its not fair. He has been seeing her still and he is with her as I type denying it. she answered his phone and i heard him swear at her telling her she should be happy hes there and i listened as they drove an hour to her house.

Heatbroken all over and its all my own fault this time.

Anyone is a similar position. read the earlier posts. I cant stop shaking and dont know how to cope but im sure I will. Thanks for the posts, and sorry for the tone of this message. anger typing


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## miss detective (Mar 9, 2011)

ps. I wish i had one of you guys on speed dial because i already want to ring him! yes i think its pretty normal to feel this pathetic, but i must resist the urge.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

STOP! DO NOT RING HIM. Read waht you wrote over and over again til it sticks:



miss detective said:


> *he wanted to get married last week.* he changed his number.
> 
> BUT you were all right. so right its not fair. He has been seeing her still and he is with her as I type denying it.* she answered his phone and i heard him swear at her telling her she should be happy hes there and i listened as they drove an hour to her house.*Heatbroken all over and its all my own fault this time.


DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY. 
DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY
DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Hicks said:


> No, don't take him back.
> Can't commit and cheats. You deserve more in life.


I agree with this. People can only treat you the way you allow them to! He has already shown that he is a liar and a cheater. Why would you want to marry someone so callous?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

*hugs*

Don't you dare try to blame yourself with the wedding date thing.

I know it's hard because you had "life" all planned out, but it's good to know he's a cheater. 

Personally I'd run as fast as I could.


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## miss detective (Mar 9, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> STOP! DO NOT RING HIM. Read waht you wrote over and over again til it sticks:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


This made me lol. Thank you. thats the best advice, must re read. must re read. must re read!!!! my head has been in stupid mode, i cant even deny. it.

I am blessed, im not married to him already or have kids. That makes sense now


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## miss detective (Mar 9, 2011)

i know your are right mrs g, and thanks saffron xx


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> I don't understand the 6 years part. Why get married at all? Six years?


Maybe she waited so long to avoid being a part of the 50 percent divorce rate in America... Lucky she waited. 

I was married after 4.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Miss Detective...chin up! You are grieving a loss. 
Its exactly the same process that we go through when a loved one dies. Disbelief, anger etc. There are about 5 stages...we all spend different lengths of time in each stage but you WILL go through the stages. 
You will probably never forget him, but you WILL move on and you WILL find happiness...

Men think in a more materialistic way than women.... Women think emotionally. You miss the emotional connection etc....which is very valid etc...
We men are saying...no children, no joint property, no joint bank accounts etc....let go now whilst there is only emotional heart ache...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you guys were married or had children I would tell you to consider working on this but you aren't even married and he's pulling this stuff. You don't have a major committment to him although I realize 6 yrs is a long time to be with someone. Problem is this dude doesn't even respect you enough to cut it off w/ her after you found out. And she's answering his phone when you call him! Red flag all around. 

It's just that dealing with infidelity within a marriage is sooo awful. Take this as a sign.

Glad I made ya laugh


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

Consider what your future with him could be...... married with kids, stressful period in your relationship, (job goes, or life gets tough) then Dday - he cheats. Your future changed (it has already btw), your savings accumulated end up spent on expensive lawyers for a divorce; the stress of an uncertain future, the break up of assets,( home, loss of business if you worked from home) and your children may be full of angst and worry for their mum - look at "Am I mad" posts - her little 7 year old is tuned into his ill mum's predicament all because of a selfish man who cared more about himself than his ill wife and 3 kids. What an amazing little fellow. He will grow up well and his mum will be his strength for sure.

What future do you have? Look forward to life's possiblities. A future with him will be looking after a family on your own struggling to pay bills ...maybe and living with someone who treats you like garbage? That's how he is treating you right now. Like garbage. It's harsh but it is reality. It is not that you deserve better but much more than that....you VALUE YOURSELF and because of that you deserve better, if you get my drift.

You are young, intelligent go "No Contact". It will be hard for you and you will grieve for what could have been a promising future (pre his cheating ways).

You stay on here to keep yourself right and happy. Talk through your feelings and keep us posted on how you manage. Although none of us know each other we can support each other through this terrible treacherous behaviour. 

His behaviour tells you a lot about him and his morals.

If you did marry him, people will say you knew what you were getting involved with before you married him.

Stay strong. Move on and learn from this terrible experience and read up on infidelity and how to affair proof any relationship or marriage. This will be good for you in the future to protect yourself in any future relationship or marriage against the terrible upheaval of infidelity that can wreck havoc on your life.


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