# So what do I do?? I can't get H's attention. So dang lonely.



## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. You can see some of my older posts explaining more of my backstory. 

The short version is that I am desperately trying to connect with my H (married 24 years, 2 older kids). He is LD, I am somewhat MD (medium). Both PHYSICALLY connect with him, and emotionally.

Physically: I have been struggling with this and just not feeling connected to him for years. Six years ago, he got his T levels tested and they were low. He went on the shots and BOOM, things got better. He quit going after a year because he said HE saw no difference in how he felt (he was tired a lot, high BP, overweight, and looking for relief from all of that - I know, the answer is EXERCISE AND EAT RIGHT...............he would rather get a shot). At any rate, he quit the shots after a year and wants no part of gels, cream, etc. because he says they don't work. He is happy for 1x a month. I would like at least 1X a week. We talk about it, and he says he just feels 'pressured' ((((((((((((((((( Which makes me wonder why I even WANT to try if I have to pressure him. BTW, I am NOT overweight (5 '6 128 pounds) and a fitness nut. There is nothing that SHOULD make him unattracted to me. We haven't been to bed at the same time since the youngest was a baby (it started then, 13 years ago. Since then, he stays up late doing his hobbies. I would LOVE for him to come to bed with me even 1x a week. It ain't going to happen (

Emotionally: Yesterday I about had a meltdown. Just walking to a function with the kids I realized just how lonely I am. He walks ahead of me all of the time, never with me, and spent most of the evening talking to them. I'm not JEALOUS, but I saw other parents there who were actually talking to EACH OTHER, some even holding hands, arms around each other, etc. I want that so bad. Any time I try to talk to him about it, he says I'm just looking for something to complain about.

I am soooo LONELY. What can I do? How much longer can I go on with this? What is wrong with wanting to CONNECT with one's partner??? I am finding that I am getting drawn into friendships with other people just to get attention (another post). This is so not good. I desperately want things to get better but if he isn't willing to talk,what can I do? Keep thinking 4 more years 'til the youngest is out the door, maybe that's when I let him do his thing since I don't seem to really be important (.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Ah I'm sorry you feel so lonely, does your husband work? My husband works on shift 18+ hours on nights I can be very lonely too as we've no kids yet. He was very tired & distant. 
In physical terms, I asked him to cut down on watching porn to once a month. Things got better. 
In emotional terms, I tried not to be such a jibber-jabber talking/nagging etc I kinda ignored him. Suddenly he's real interested in me. 
If you want him to go to bed with you at same time, try some sexy underwear, just walk around near him (while ignoring him) he should follow you to the bedroom. 

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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Do you think this will ever change? Will he ever change? Why do you stay?

There is nothing more lonely than being alone in a marriage. IME being single is a far better place to be than lonely in a sham of a marriage.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

I really feel for you. I think Olivia is right. I don't know what it is, but it seems a lot of times men just do not take their wive's complaints seriously until she leaves. I am thinking it is a lack of empathy on their part. They seem less inclined to think about other people's feelings, and when their wife tells them she's unhappy, they don't believe it, or don't take it seriously, because she keeps showing up and in their mind, everything goes back to normal after she "rags on them" a bit and gets it out of her system.

I would do two things:

1. When he's walking ahead of you, very pleasantly say something like "Will you please slow down and walk with us?" And before a party, very nicely (not sad/whiney at all) ask "Will you spend some time talking with me at the party?"

With something like him walking ahead, if you ask him to walk with you, and he does not, honest to God, you might just turn around and leave. Depending on the kid's ages, take them with you or let them go with him. Don't be dramatic, just remove yourself from the neglectful situation and if he freaks out just very calmly state "I had no desire to attend when you walked off without me. So I left."

Be prepared so that if you drove, maybe you can take Uber home or text him to let him know you left and just call when he wants you to pick him up if he can't get a ride home with a friend.

2. THE BIG THING - I would do like Olivia says and let him know that you are very unhappy and if things don't change, you want a divorce. Be very matter of fact about it. You're not begging him for attention, you're informing him that his wife does not want to be married to him. It doesn't matter what HE THINKS you should feel, this is what you feel. You are incredibly lonely in your marriage and would be happier without him based on your current relationship. It's not right or wrong, it just is. Tell him exactly what you need to feel connected and loved and like you are actually married. 

Be prepared to actually separate. And if you do separate, do not get back with him right away as soon as he says "I can change, I can do better." Let him spend a few months developing new habits that include communicating and treating you with love and care.

Are you familiar with Marriage builders? If not, I'll give you a link. They have a program for restoring romance/connection to marriage. I would see if he will follow that with you.

I understand not wanting to shake up your children's lives, but it sounds like your husband is complacent and it will be four more long, lonely years where you become more and more bitter unless you have a real "Come to Jesus" moment with him that is serious where he understands in his gut that he had better start scrambling 'cause he *is* losing you.

Good luck.

BTW - did the Testosterone give him the high BP and other issues? I don't understand why he quit taking it even if he didn't think he felt different but you felt things had improved. (I assume you told him you felt he was better on it.)



LilMissSunshine said:


> I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. You can see some of my older posts explaining more of my backstory.
> 
> The short version is that I am desperately trying to connect with my H (married 24 years, 2 older kids). He is LD, I am somewhat MD (medium). Both PHYSICALLY connect with him, and emotionally.
> 
> ...


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Holland said:


> Do you think this will ever change? Will he ever change? Why do you stay?
> 
> There is nothing more lonely than being alone in a marriage. IME being single is a far better place to be than lonely in a sham of a marriage.


Yes, they say women are actually happier (and healthier) alone than married to someone they feel lonely with.


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

WorkingWife said:


> Yes, they say women are actually happier (and healthier) alone than married to someone they feel lonely with.


Ummm, men too! :wink2:


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
you have my sympathy - being ignored by your spouse is really miserable. 

Your situation seems especially bad because he is not just ignoring you sexually (which is bad enough) but in other ways as well. 

Did this start suddenly or gradually - or was he always sort of like this.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Slow Hand said:


> Ummm, men too! :wink2:


Who cares? Just kidding! Yes, men too I am sure! I was thinking of a talk I heard once though specifically about women and how their anxiety skyrockets and health deteriorates when they are in a marriage with someone who essentially ignores them/is indifferent to them.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

MrsAldi said:


> Ah I'm sorry you feel so lonely, does your husband work? My husband works on shift 18+ hours on nights I can be very lonely too as we've no kids yet. He was very tired & distant.
> In physical terms, I asked him to cut down on watching porn to once a month. Things got better.
> In emotional terms, I tried not to be such a jibber-jabber talking/nagging etc I kinda ignored him. Suddenly he's real interested in me.
> *If you want him to go to bed with you at same time, try some sexy underwear, just walk around near him (while ignoring him) he should follow you to the bedroom.*
> ...


Your advice is sound except the bolded parts. Low libido men do not get aroused easily by their SO wearing sexy underwear. These type of men would much rather play online games or watch TV because they prefer to be mentally exhausted when they head to bed. Most men who have sexual dysfunction will create scenarios where they do not go to sleep at the same time with their spouses/SO as an excuse. "Well, we didn't have sex because you were already asleep when I came to bed"

I personally would be tired. I am sorry OP, but it is unlikely your husband's sexual desires will change for the best. There. Done.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

OliviaG said:


> One thing that I forgot to mention in my post @LilMissSunshine : before I had the conversation with him about needing change or leaving the marriage, I would do a little bit of homework and preparation.
> 
> 1) I would see a lawyer to discuss what my options are if we divorce
> 2) I would get a file together that outlines our present financial holdings.
> ...


I believe there is something also, about actually being resolved in your own heart. When you are suggesting divorce or separation as a tactic, somehow they just *know it* and dismiss it or consider your unhappiness just an irritant they must deal with (by ignoring it...). And when you are dead serious and prepared and contemplating life maybe being better apart, they also *just know it*.

I remember two distinct conversations with my first husband:

1. Earlier in our marriage when I was trying to make things work and he'd been out drinking 'till 4:00 a.m. again and I asked "How would you feel if I did that to you?" and he gave me an irritated/baffled look and said "How would I know? *You* would never *do *that to me." then went on about his business.

2. Later when I was realizing I'd be happier alone than with him, I stayed late with friends after work and we started hanging out and I was having fun and not even thinking about him. I called around 8:00 p.m. and said "I'm at Joe's place with the gang, we're partying, I'll be home late." He knew where I was the entire time and could have called me or come over, so I never gave him another thought. (other than to realize I was having more fun without him.)

I rolled in around 1:00 a.m. completely sober and much earlier than he ever came home. OMG - he looked like the dog had died. Sunken eyes, hair askew, whiney, needy, totally distraught - "where have you been?!"

I remember saying - right where I said I was, it's a little ironic YOU asking ME that? And he said "Yes I know, don't you think I know that?" We were divorced not long after. 

The dynamic had changed from me pining away for his affections to me feeling happier without him and not caring at all what he was doing. I would not point to anything I said or did different, but he could FEEL that I was serious. Of course at that point I just wanted OUT. You can probably save your marriage and make it great if you can get to that point where you are resolved not to accept this neglect any longer before you JUST want out.
*
But like any negotiation, you know what you will settle for and you MUST be willing to walk away if you can't get it, or you have zero negotiating power.*


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

You want his attention?

Serve him with divorce papers.

You'll get it, and then some.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

ne9907 said:


> Your advice is sound except the bolded parts. Low libido men do not get aroused easily by their SO wearing sexy underwear. These type of men would much rather play online games or watch TV because they prefer to be mentally exhausted when they head to bed. Most men who have sexual dysfunction will create scenarios where they do not go to sleep at the same time with their spouses/SO as an excuse. "Well, we didn't have sex because you were already asleep when I came to bed"
> 
> I personally would be tired. I am sorry OP, but it is unlikely your husband's sexual desires will change for the best. There. Done.


Before I would have agreed with you @ne9907 it's taking me a long time to get my husband more sexually involved. But I never gave up & things are improving. It's hard work though. If men are so "low libido" why do they watch porn all the time? I asked HB to cut down to once a month. Things got better. But every marriage is different. 

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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Mclane said:


> You want his attention?
> 
> Serve him with divorce papers.
> 
> You'll get it, and then some.


By then some? Do you mean he'll be more interested & try save the marriage? 

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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

OliviaG said:


> Not all men are low libido, but this one appears to have low T, thus a physical reason for low libido. Not all men are using their sexual energy on porn; some have little sexual energy to begin with if their T is low.
> 
> Something to think about though; some men seem to self-medicate with porn to try to raise a flagging libido. OTOH, sometimes an addiction to porn can *cause* a lack of interest in sex outside of porn.
> 
> There are so many different things that can happen.


100% agree with you there. 

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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> By then some? Do you mean he'll be more interested & try save the marriage?


Yes, like every 10th or 2oth post on here written by a guy whose wife "suddenly left him without warning" because he was too busy with work or online gaming or whatever and he did little to nothing to help her around the house, gave her little or no affection or sex despite her constantly "nagging" about it, and then when she finally throws in the towel he's like "I screwed up, I know I screwed up but I've changed and I'm going to show her how much I've changed (in 2 weeks or less) if only she gives me one more chance!"


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@Mclane I think it's because when we are in relationships, we have selective hearing! My husband for example I have conversations with & 10 mins later he'll turn around and say "what are you saying there?" He has no recollection of me speaking in the last 10mins. He's very lucky I see the funny side of things! 

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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Is your husband depressed?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MrsAldi said:


> @Mclane I think it's because when we are in relationships, we have selective hearing! My husband for example I have conversations with & 10 mins later he'll turn around and say "what are you saying there?" He has no recollection of me speaking in the last 10mins. He's very lucky I see the funny side of things!
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


Oh, the blah-blah-blah thing? 

When someone says "blah-blah-blah blah-blah-blah blah-blah-blah blah-blah-blah blah-blah-blah blah-blah-blah important item blah-blah-blah blah-blah-blah blah-blah-blah blah-blah-blah blah-blah-blah blah-blah-blah." 
*
"Did you just hear what I said?"*
:rofl:


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@MattMatt that's it!!! Lol exactly. 

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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

Will someone talk to my wife to convince her to beg me for attention?


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@Tortdog does you wife not bother you with the ol jibber-jabber? 

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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MrsAldi said:


> @MattMatt that's it!!! Lol exactly.
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


You'd probably feel at home in our living room.

Sacred Heart of Jesus, bottle of Holy Water, Room Blessing Picture, statue of the Blessed Virgin, Rosary, etc., 

You'd never guess that I married a good Catholic girl!


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Mclane said:


> You want his attention?
> 
> Serve him with divorce papers.
> 
> You'll get it, and then some.


Agree... My ex used to run off and leave me like that when we were walking. Thus the EX title.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Tortdog said:


> Will someone talk to my wife to convince her to beg me for attention?


I've read your story. You are way beyond that. 

You need someone to speak to your wife about mediating your inevitable divorce rather than spending all the family assets on attorneys fees.


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> @Tortdog does you wife not bother you with the ol jibber-jabber?
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


I actually am better about listening to her that I credit for improving our intimacy as she believes I care about more than her vagina.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@Tortdog if would like to improve intimacy, post a thread in the Sex in marriage section, it definitely helped things for my marriage. 

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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

LilMissSunshine said:


> I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. You can see some of my older posts explaining more of my backstory.
> 
> The short version is that I am desperately trying to connect with my H (married 24 years, 2 older kids). He is LD, I am somewhat MD (medium). Both PHYSICALLY connect with him, and emotionally.
> 
> ...



I remember talking to a co-worker (female) once about the same thing happening w/my ex. She said, "sometimes people just get caught up in everyday life, get naked and jump up and down on the bed that your husband is laying on and yell, give me attention, I need attention." LOL I never did, but it made me laugh at the moment just picturing that happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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