# In a dilemma



## nshroff (Sep 27, 2016)

My life turned upside down 14 months ago when in an anonymous message I was informed my "loving, caring" wife was involves in an adulterous affair. The affair partner was her ex. She accidentally met him on the road and she gave him her number. He contacted her later and asking her to meet up so that they could "catch up" on old times. From there, the affair took off. From emotional to a highly sexual. I had no idea. It was quite an affair although I didn't notice any significant changes in her. There was some unusual weekend get together with an "old friend" that have recently comeback to our city (actually she has comeback) but nothing that warranted suspicion and required checking up. I never even bothered to call this friend of her. Infact I also meet up with my buddies in the weekend and I trusted her completely. As I said this was unusual because my wife generally stays home most weekend when I go out. But this time, she would ask to go out on days I was also going out and asked me to look after our son. And I was ok with that.

But eventually she was cancelling our plans to meet up with more "friends' group meeting". Still the notion that she was cheating on me never entered my mind. Why would it? Not much changed. We were not a very sexual couple to begin with and I was ok with that. And it seems like our pattern was helpful to her affair life.

This affair lasted for around 10 months. I was tipped off by the "girlfriend" of the turd AP. That was when I was finally able to put those nagging "doubts" together to get a scene about what might actually happening. I was not going to let this go.

I don't know how I got the strength to do what I did. But I didn't confront her immediately. Neither did I call the friend to confirm all those get together in the fear that she might contact my wife. I was on my own on this. I waited to find out the truth by hacking into her phone. When I was finally able to, there was not much there. It totally messed with my head. So I decided to follow her around for a week to see what she was upto. I took a week off work. Followed her to see if she was actually going to work. After 3 mundane days of finding nothing, I was ready to give up. Afterall who would want to hang out on the street doing nothing for 8.5hrs a day? Its not fun. But since I took a week off, I forced myself to continue.

And then I hit the gold. She left office after lunch and took a taxi. And went straight to an area when she had no reason to be. And she went inside an apartment. I didn't even have to follow her inside to know whom she was meeting. The post boxes on the ground floor was enough to know who it was. His name was on one of the boxes. You see, I know that sleazebag's name. My wife has talked about him to me...

That day was DDay....


My biggest mistake was not filing for separation (more on this later). BECAUSE OF MY SON. But after this humiliation I was in no way going to be deceived anymore. On her return, I confronted her. I had already prepared the home for this confrontation. I asked one of my friends to look after my son for the evening. It was just the two of us. I did not even ask her if she was having an affair. I told her directly I knew and with whom. She tried to deny for a while. I immediately said one more denial and I was going to separate, moving on to divorce and then I would expose her true nature to everyone. If she wanted to keep her dirty laundry indoors and me to stay, she would have to say it - SAY THAT SHE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR! That was when she broke down and got on her knees. She confirmed and begged me to stay. I placed my demands - she quits her job and she gives me the duration of the affair. In turn, I PROMISED that if she did this I will stay and this will stay between us. And we will work to repair our marriage. That evening she called the bastard in front of me in a loudspeaker and told him that it was over. I knew. He had the guts to ask had I beaten her! My wife said no I had not and our marriage was not his concern. She loved me (gag) and wanted to stay with me and right now I was hearing this conversation. He cut the call real quick.

I already had 1 more day off work and the weekend. My wife also took the next the off work and combined with the weekend we had 3 days of rampant sex (which I now know is call hysterical bonding). We talked but only touched the surface thing of how they connected, did she ever thought of me (she compartmentalized), how could she do this etc. The more we talked and cried, the more our lovemaking became vigorous. As I said, we were not a very sexual couple. But something triggered my drive to become all consuming. Anyways come Monday, my wife resigned from her job.

I realized quick enough that demand of quitting her job was a mistake. I placed greater financial burden upon myself in this costly city. But I wasn't going to backtrack. Whats done was done. Also I was soon realizing that there was no gurantee that bastard was not being invited to my home when I was not around and son was in school (I didn't figure I could use cams inside my home. But then again she could just visit him and the cams will be useless). Amid all this sex and talk, something felt hollow (which is called "dealbreaker" around these sites). The inequality and injustice of it all, the outright deception, the hollowness of the sex (afterall she was showering sex on him too, what was special that I was getting?), even the new things that "she did on me" (because I knew she learnt from him but I convinced myself that I deserve it too, so I kept mum and did not point them out)

I didn't talk to her about any of these things. Just went on with the superficial talks, affection and sex. My mind was screaming "leave". But how can I when she has apparently agreed to my demands which compels me to fulfill my promise of staying. 

I wish I would have left!


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

So you jumped right into reconciliation without giving it a second though. Big mistake.

You should take the time to think this through. She didn't think about her vows to you when she married you did she? So now your binding yourself to this for what reason?


----------



## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

Just because you promised to stay doesn't mean you have to. If you really want to leave, file for legal separation and go. Talk to an advisor and/or lawyer about the implications of divorce, financial and otherwise. You forcing her to quit her job probably won't help matters - why do that anyway?

She dropped a bomb on your marriage. Just because you thought you could hold it together doesn't mean you actually have to.

My personal instinct is to not trust people who volunteer information so readily because either they are lying, or hoping that the information that they do provide is enough to stop you from digging deeper.

What details did she provide? I have a feeling you think you know it all, but there is a good chance that you don't even know half. For instance, why did the other man ask if you'd beat her? In asking that, he telegraphed that he is protective of her - don't be surprised if you get a visit or a phone call from him.

10 months is a long time for her to just go cold turkey - my inclination is that she is still "his" to some extent.


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

You agreed to her demands when you said "I do" and she didn't follow up. You are under no moral obligation to stay with her.

Btw, she was thinking of him while she was having sex with you.


----------



## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

Wait til she gets another job before you divorce her otherwise you'll be supporting her for some time to come.


----------



## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

nshroff said:


> I immediately said one more denial and I was going to separate, moving on to divorce and then I would expose her true nature to everyone. If she wanted to keep her dirty laundry indoors and me to stay, she would have to say it - SAY THAT SHE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR! That was when she broke down and got on her knees. She confirmed and begged me to stay.


Sounds like she dumped the OM to save her reputation and not be a single mom. Not because she loves you. 

You jumped the gun so now make sure that you take your time to think and see where the chips fall. The first priority is to have her get a new job. Put everything else on the back burner. If you divorce when she’s unemployed you will have to pay more.

DNA your kid now to put that issue to bed forever. You just buy a kit in a drug store and send it to a lab. Just because this OM may not have been around when your kid was conceived doesn't mean that another OM couldn't have done the job. Your wife no longer gets the benefit of the doubt. DNA the kid even if he looks like you.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

nshroff said:


> Amid all this sex and talk, something felt hollow (which is called "dealbreaker" around these sites). The inequality and injustice of it all, the outright deception, the hollowness of the sex (afterall she was showering sex on him too, what was special that I was getting?)


Did this POSOM work with her? If so, making her quit her job was a deserved consequence; otherwise I don't understand why you would. 

Another consequence she should have received is exposure to friends and family; as well as you contacting his girlfriend to compare notes.

By her accepting exposure, becoming completely transparent, being accountable for her time, no more GNO's, willingness to talk honestly about the A at anytime; these are the consequences she accepts to demonstrate remorse. If she doesn't receive all of them, you will always have regret for not testing her remorse to the fullest extent. I believe that's part of what you're experiencing now. Getting past an affair is hard enough even when you don't rug sweep.

That said, even if she accepts all those consequences; all that should mean to her is that you will "consider" R or "attempt" it. You give her no guarantees. If she doesn't accept all of them, it's an easy decision for you.


----------



## nshroff (Sep 27, 2016)

Sorry I was not able to post the whole story....

I read through the comments. And you guys are nailing it what I had been actually feeling. So continuing....

As days went by, the sex decreased. Not her part completely but mine too. She sometimes tried to initiate. I declined. When in times I wanted her to initiate, she didn't. Didn't communicate my desire though. Plus have a child of 5 years, it was not easy to engage in wild monkey sex. Sounds need to be kept down. 

AND I STARTED NOTICING HER BEING DISTRACTED AROUND ME. Thats when I realized she was still thinking about him. But scared of facing those feelings I never asked her. Nothing. Not even what I was feeling. It was like we took off where it ended. Nothing happened. Since the emotions were cooling down now and there was some distance the injustices were glaringly obvious - she got to have her fun and nothing happened to her because she agreed to some of my superficial demands. While he got the best 3-4 hrs of sex, all I got was 10 days of muted "hysterical bonding" that lasted 15-20 mins. And he got off scott free because no one knew. The girlfriend didn't again reply to any of my messages on FB and I didn't have her number. She will always have the fond memory of clandestine love and I will be left with a tainted marriage. Plus it would have gone on for I don't know how long if I wasn't tipped off (She insists that the guilt was becoming too much and tired of living a double life and was always telling him that it has to end. And the frequency of sex was way less than when it started and she is sure that it would have ended completely in ANOTHER MONTH! BULL**** I TELL HER!)

Thats when it hit me! Did her girlfriend who recently came back to this city knew and agreed to cover for her in case I ever enquired? I again did not talk to my wife but called the woman. I applied some guile and said that I wanted to plan a surprise party for our anniversary and I need her help, so can we meet? She agreed. My objective was to talk to her face to face because if she lies I can guage from her reaction. 

When I met her I asked her that my wife and her are getting together regularly. What do they talk about? She just laughed and said "I can't tell you that". Then I used further guile and said that you know on 16th (a date when she was actually with me in the home) I really wanted to come with her and meet you but she insisted that there would be only females and I would feel uncomfortable. So I thought I come and make my introduction myself so that next time when my wife meets her I can come with her and there would be no awkwardness. She laughed and said yeah a bunch of us friends had a get together. You would have been bored. I looked at her intensely. She was caught off guard. She knew she had been caught. I could tell she was about to choke on her own vomit. I calmly said "She was with me on 16th" She said "you should talk to your wife". And I said "you should stay away from her" and left.

This confirmed two things to me:
1) This friend knew about the affair and agreed to cover for her. My wife also informed her that she had been caught. And in case I enquired, to gaslight me. But she botched up the dates and was caught in a lie.

2) The affair never ended. It still continued because . Otherwise this friend would have been upfront with me and would have said that she knows what happened and she knows why I was here. Instead when I sold her a false date (which was recent and after DDay when the affair was supposed to have stopped) she tried to gaslight me by telling that there had indeed been a get together of friends.

DDay 2.....

But the continuation of this affair was not physical. It was emotional. CONFIRMED FROM SON. My son was always home after school and mommy had not dropped him anywhere or had someone looked after him while she went away. Mommy was always with him. But my wife was heavily engaged with him via Whatsapp call and messages. And she always deleted them. So I had no way of knowing. This time was it was not the begging, grovelling wife. It was a tigress roaring...

She spouted how she loves him and can't live without him. She hates me and she wishes she never married me. She wants to be with him but can't. I was really not ready for this reaction. I was taken aback.

To be continued...


----------



## nshroff (Sep 27, 2016)

And also my son is only 5 years old. His school duration is only 2 hrs. And location of the school and location of his apartment is way apart. It would almost take 1 hr, 20 min to reach from the school to his apartment. And another 1hr 20min to return to school. Thats 2hrs 40 mins. So no way my wife could have met up with him when son was at school unless she knows how to teleport

Also I cancelled the bus service to school so that my wife has to phyically take son too school, wait for 2hrs and pick him up and return home. This was done so that my wife has no chance of asking him to come over when son was at school.


----------



## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

When you need to resort to such measures maybe ask yourself if this is really worth it.

You can't chain her to the house.


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Have you been tested for stds? what about your wife?

so she is still continuing the A?

so expose to her parents. Have her get a job.

And after she gets a job, then D. 

She loves him and has no respect for you. Time to get her out.

Expose , expose and expose some more.

Go see your attorney.


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

This isn't worth it man. You don't want to feel this way forever.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@nshroff sorry you are here, but glad you found us.

Some advice that we can give is in the terms of the USA state-specific and otherwise country-specific, due to differences in laws, etc.

I don't expect you to "out" your location, but could you please give us a general idea of where you are residing? A state or a country would be enough.

This will help us modify what links we could offer you, etc.


----------



## nshroff (Sep 27, 2016)

Frankfurt, Germany


----------



## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

nshroff said:


> And also my son is only 5 years old. His school duration is only 2 hrs. And location of the school and location of his apartment is way apart. It would almost take 1 hr, 20 min to reach from the school to his apartment. And another 1hr 20min to return to school. Thats 2hrs 40 mins. So no way my wife could have met up with him when son was at school unless she knows how to teleport
> 
> Also I cancelled the bus service to school so that my wife has to phyically take son too school, wait for 2hrs and pick him up and return home. This was done so that my wife has no chance of asking him to come over when son was at school.


Didn't mean that He could have meet up with her at a $50 motel for 2 hours or do it in the car... Hence, the VAR. 

Unless the OM worked at the same company as your WW - having her quit the job didn't amount to much.

So, this happened 14 months ago? Confirming math: the affair stated 24 months ago, you only found out about it 14 months ago and its been about 12 months of false R and rug-sweeping. But its seems confusing as you state your approached her skank friend just recently? Your WW likely covered for her friend when HER BF/husband was looking for her.

None of us take a class on this subject in school. But yeah, she needed to be exposed, family. Marriage counseling and working together on the marriage... Affairs rarely end suddenly, unless someone is killed. It takes a while. And you taking away from her F-toy makes her mad at you.

Need to find out what she wants. As stated, better to divorce her when she has a job...

There is a lot of work to try again after 14 months of fake R. Hell, 3 months of fake R was a pain in the butt.

Sorry you are here.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Get your a$$ to your lawyer's office and end this charade now!

File for divorce as well as child custody! You deserve far better out of life!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This link might help https://www.toytowngermany.com/wiki/Divorce_in_Germany


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

DNA the kid (if it's legal there) and file for divorce ASAP.

Also, if your wife's friend is married, expose the fact that she knew about the affair AND was covering for your wife to her husband.

He might be interested to know how very skewed his wife's moral compass truly is.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

You stayed for 14 months. You kept your promise. To bad she couldn't keep her vows. Now dump her and find a decent woman.


----------



## lisamaree (Nov 2, 2014)

You should divorce her. Spare yourself all of this trouble. Your relationship will never be the same again and it is clear she doesn't really love you. You can't possibly keep track of everything she does every single day, you will drive yourself crazy. File the papers and send her packing, take custody of your son and move on. You deserve better, she does not deserve your promises.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

What is your religious affiliation?

I know many people in Germany are fairly strict in their faith, so a visit to your priest or pastor might be an option worth exploring.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Capricious (Sep 21, 2016)

You deserve better. 

Don't waste anymore time and energy on your cheating wife. Move on with your life and find someone who will truly value, love and respect you.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

nshroff said:


> He had the guts to ask had I beaten her! My wife said no I had not and our marriage was not his concern. She loved me (gag) and wanted to stay with me and right now I was hearing this conversation. He cut the call real quick.


So she managed to *warn* him that you were listening which told him she was basically being 'forced' to say what she was saying AND she was also letting him know not to say anything that would get her in further trouble or contradict the lies she'd told you. What a snake move that was.

That was your FIRST clue about who you were *really* dealing with.

And months later, that's been confirmed.

Time to divorce her.


----------



## Danny4133 (Jul 24, 2016)

nshroff 

Listen Kumpel, this is all very hard for you to take in, your emotions are a mess, absolutely, but a few obvious points to note here.

1. She has zero respect for you
2. You are plan B
3. The affair never stopped and went further underground

If you really want to try and fix this woman then some hard and swift decisions need to be made, so far this wayward has had no real consequences to her morally deplorable actions. It's time to be a man here and take control.

As hard as it is you must file for divorce, at the very least separate and get some legal advice quick as a flash, pack her things and offer to take them to the POSOM house for her. If she really wants to work things out with you...well then you must stand up and install some strong boundaries, playing detective is all good and well, but you know enough now to not keep up your sleuthing.

Go seek some legal advice, remove this woman from your home and keep your son with you, if she wants to live this type of life, then by all means wish her well and set her free, once you take away the safety net she is nice and conformably sitting in. This wayward is following the cheater scrip to the max and is deep in the land of fog, show her that it's not so perfect by nshroff escaping the drama and moving on.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> So she managed to *warn* him that you were listening which told him she was basically being 'forced' to say what she was saying AND she was also letting him know not to say anything that would get her in further trouble or contradict the lies she'd told you. What a snake move that was.
> 
> That was your FIRST clue about who you were *really* dealing with.
> 
> ...


OP, please read this post as many times as it takes to sink in.


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

I don't understand why you forced her to quit her job if the OM did not work with her. It must be a controlling move on your part. If she's now a SAHM, wouldn't you have to pay her quite a chunk of your salary if you should divorce? Have her go back to work asap.


----------



## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

nshroff said:


> This time was it was not the begging, grovelling wife. It was a tigress roaring...
> 
> She spouted how she loves him and can't live without him. She hates me and she wishes she never married me. She wants to be with him but can't. I was really not ready for this reaction. I was taken aback.


Consider the woman you married dead. This woman living in your home is not her. This woman is your enemy who will take your son away and try to destroy you financially. You are now at war.

Unfortunately, German divorce law is not favorable to husbands. Get a lawyer who specialize in family law ASAP to protect yourself as much as you can.


----------



## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Are you in the military?

You don’t want to be her prison warden. Keeping her from the OM makes him more desirable. They are star crossed lovers and you are her mean dad. They are Romeo and Juliet who never have to face bills or sick kids together.

The best way to keep her is to file for divorce. Wish her a happy life with the OM. You may what to finalize the divorce or not but that should be your next step.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

Read LucasJackson's post about waiting too long and the anger wearing off....

That will give you some perspective on what to do.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CH said:


> Read LucasJackson's post about waiting too long and the anger wearing off....
> 
> That will give you some perspective on what to do.


Actually, there's an indication that LucasJackson's posts may not have been 100% on the up-and-up.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

You blew your chance to handle this right and maximize your chance for success. But in the end, maybe that was a blessing.


----------

