# Dirty Dancing



## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

I'm invited to join a regular dance night for fun, exercise, & socializing but when I tried it last night it seemed extremely sensual and requires constant partner-changes. I was only there to pick someone up, so did not join the group at first, but finally out of curiosity I gave in to a partner invitation toward the end. I kept things simple on my part and only danced with the one guy. 

I was told it is a new style of dance popular in this region of the country. It is relatively slow and fluid and sensual. To me as a spectator, it looked very sexual. 

The participants were people of all ages, twenties through fifties from what I could tell, of varying abilities.

The thing is that my H and I live about an hour apart due to work. I am alone most of the week, as well as being a newcomer, & I would like to get out, meet people, and get some exercise. This social dance takes place weekly as well as at a few other places around town on other nights. 

As a former dancer/gymnast, I am sure I could become very good at this and have a good time. I am wondering if I am being overly prudish by blushing at some of what I saw. I am reminded of "Dirty Dancing" and now I am reacting like the old people! 

It's in public, "everyone's doing it," and it could be a lot of fun. 

But I found myself thinking, "I wouldn't move like that with anyone but my husband!" Then I felt so prudish. If it's dance, and in public, does it matter?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

To me, dirty dancing is a bit too much personal and I wouldn't do it with anyone (who is not a SO) unless I was playing a part in a movie or anything of the sort.
If I were you I wouldn't feel comfortable. See it this way, would you like your husband to dirty-dance with another woman?

I think it's goes beyond boundaries. Even when in a relationship, I wouldn't do it with anyone else but my partner. 
There's nothing wrong for feeling prudish about it. I think anyone with good boundaries would feel this way.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

I would not like to see my H doing this with another woman BUT I consider that perhaps I am being inappropriately restrictive on what's normal and acceptable in the public sphere. I have been out of the loop for quite some time and thought perhaps I was just over-reacting. In some of these dance moves, the woman wraps her legs around the man's upper legs, and there is a lot of pelvic stuff going on, and men holding women's hips to toss them around, and honestly because I was missing my husband, just watching it got me kind of turned on.

It is very hard to be separated day after day, all week, and we are still very fond of each other (despite some of his idiotic choices, reported elsewhere in this Forum!!), have a fabulous sex life, and so... I could just be overreacting. I have been told in other contexts that I am "too conservative" and so forth. So maybe (as I have been told) I just need to "relax and lighten up." Also, "everyone is doing it like this now." I sound SO old-fashioned. No wonder our "elders" didn't like the next generation experimenting on the dance floor! ("Tsk, tsk!!") You don't really get it till you're older and have dealt with some things....


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Well everyone is getting covered in tattoos from toe to neck, and getting big gauges in there ears now too, like some tribal thing. That doesn't mean I'm running out and doing it.
Maybe I am a bit old fashioned, but I don't see why I have to do something cause everyone else is. I have to be comfortable in my own skin first.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

It comes down to boundaries. Does relax and lighten up mean it is ok to let boundaries slip? Sounds like it.

Wat does your husband say? Basically you live alone most of the time. You are lonely and you are talking about doing sexually oriented dancing with other men. Hey this sounds like a lot of fun and great place to meet new men and could lead to more.

Duh!?

What's next? You need to be in contact with these friends. So you would exchange such information. Everyone is getting together after this dancing for drinks. Why not go back to your partners place for this? No one is home waiting for you? Why not make it dinner then dancing? Plus these folks have other interests. Why not do those too. Your partner may want to come to your place to practice your moves. Why not just date these guys? Everyone else is doing this. No reason to inform your husband on this as he would not understand that you are just friends.

What really is your social agenda? Are you looking to play with other men and lighten up? Dancing like this is a mating ritual. I see it as playing just the tip. I see this as a single persons agenda. You may see yourself as single during the week.

But indeed as has been touched on the root cause here is that you and your husband are separated. You are headed down a very bad road. You are looking to have needs met by other men. 

Realize that once boundaries start to slide the next boundary is very easily rationalized away. 

Inappropriate Behavior --> Unfaithfulness --> Cheating

My point is "where are your boundaries". Do you and your husband have agreed upon boundaries or is it vague like ... no cheating. What the heck does that mean? marriages are torn apart way before PIV sexual contact.

I suggest you guys change your life style and live together. Do His Needs her Needs together. Discuss, and agree upon boundaries. Rather than lighten up your boundaries with other men you may be best served with igniting your passion for your marriage. Instigation, Isolation and Escalation.



> But I found myself thinking, "I wouldn't move like that with anyone but my husband!" Then I felt so prudish. If it's dance, and in public, does it matter?


Yes.

I just scanned some of your other threads. Wow. I remember this one. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/68808-what-constitutes-ex.html


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Is it Blues dancing?

I am married, also am a dancer and a gymnast, and I do not go Blues dancing because it is too intimate.

Instead, I love swing, salsa and ballroom.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> In some of these dance moves, *the woman wraps her legs around the man's upper legs, and there is a lot of pelvic stuff going on, *and men holding women's hips to toss them around, and honestly because I was missing my husband, just watching it got me kind of turned on.


Hell no I wouldn't want my SO doing this with another woman.

And if you're turned on just by watching, how do you think you're going to feel when you're grinding on some guy's crotch?

Ask your husband how he feels about this. Be specific about the crotch grinding.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Being less prudish and conservative is a good thing, but it's probably best to restrict that to your husband. It seems like common sense, to be honest... Or will you start watching porn with random strangers too (as an example of other less prudish behaviour)?

C


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

This feels like it could lead to trouble. Be very careful whatever you do.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Don't worry about being old fashioned. Who judges you as old-fashioned? Or are you just judging your own self?
Even if you are considered old-fashioned, who cares as long as your marriage is going good so far. If more people were a bit old fashioned there would be better boundaries in relationships. 
You seem too concerned about being called old-fashioned rather than think about what boundaries you might cross if you go for that dance.

I think it all comes down to what works for you and your partner. 
But the fact that you're here to discuss it means you're not totally okay with it, otherwise you wouldn't be here talking about it in the first place.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

questar1 said:


> The thing is that my H and I live about an hour apart due to work. I am alone most of the week, as well as being a newcomer


 I do not understand this really. I would drive the extra hour to sleep with my mate every night. I in fact I did this for a number of years. You really need to focus on fixing this instead of looking for other people to fill in the emptiness in your life that as a married person should not be there in the first place.


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

Do not "dirty dance" with strangers. 

That's just good advice, whether you're married or not.


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## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

Google or go on Youtube to obtain a video of this type of dancing and then send it to your husband for his reaction. By the way you should tell him that you need the company of others socially.

Seasalt


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Usually a woman is in charge of the personal space between her and her partner. When you are connected with a dance partner, you establish the terms of that very short dance relationship. In the end, it's not about sexual vibes between you and the guy, except if he is a creep or your actual lover, but it is between two humans and their connection to the form of the world that dances instead of making war. In short, dance is an art form. Sure some people practice it for sexual reasons, but if there is a mixer, make sure you participate in that and identify those guys, or identify them through chatting with the other ladies or by observation.

Wear your ring and enjoy yourself. 
I took ballroom dance and Argentine tango when my husband was deployed and honestly, the connection will help keep you sane and connected, and reverse of what you would think, it will insulate you from being tempted to reach out to a singular replacement for your H while you are apart from him.

No idea what the dirty dance is but it can't be worse than Bachata or Argentine Tango?


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

i say go for it and dance.............and in a few months you come back on here asking for advice on how to get your husband back after you cheated with 96% of the men in the class it will be very entertaining


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## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

Is this serious?
It can't be what it seems. Of you even have to ask the question, because you have doubts that is your answer. 

The fact you said you wouldn't like it says the rest. 

No good will come of that. Ask your new friends, or pay attention to how many married, but single that night people are out there. I am relatively young myself and am familiar with "dirty dancing", " grinding" or whatever you want to call it. No no and no. I think it can be more sexual than even kissing, as its sole purpose is to create lust and want in a sexual manner. 

Think about it, then think about all the other healthy things you could do instead. Hell ,karaoke would be better. Lol.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> Is it Blues dancing?
> 
> I am married, also am a dancer and a gymnast, and I do not go Blues dancing because it is too intimate.
> 
> Instead, I love swing, salsa and ballroom.


Yes, thanks, it is "blues/fusion." I appreciate your calling it "too intimate."


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

OK, thanks, the best part of this is learning not only to trust my instincts but to realize that I have to live by them. It's who I am. 

I found out from the lead musician (who invited me in the first place) and from a dance instructor of both swing & blues-fusion that the blues type, which is what I witnessed, is uncomfortably sexual for some people and that the regular dancers are known for practicing polyamory. 

Gee, you coulda warned me, was my thought..... 

The dance teacher has in fact stopped teaching the blues type dance because of that edgy quality and now only teaches swing, and he recommended a public swing-dance class that is perfectly safe and ordinary. Plus it is on a night when my husband can come. No grinding. No partner swapping. 

I think I just need to out my inner ***** and let 'er rip. I know what I see when I see it.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Would your husband object if you went to a bar and started grinding on other men? Lots of people do it and it is in public. Somehow I think he would mind. Conversely, what would you think if he went out to bars and got out there on the dance floor and other women hung all over him grinding on him? I don't know how this is different.

Perhaps you could take him to one of these classes and see what he thinks and if he would mind if you attended this without him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What kind of venue are these classes held in? Is there alcohol involved... meaning social?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I wouldn't do it and I wouldn't want my wife to either. Matter of fact, I would consider what you've already done as a minor betrayal of trust. Rule of thumb is if you wouldn't feel comfortable doing it in front of your spouse then you shouldn't do it at all.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Thanks. I love to dance too and it's good to know what to avoid. I wonder now if the same thing exists among Argentine Tango dancers. If so, all I can say is...retrospectively...ewwwwww! lol.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> What kind of venue are these classes held in? Is there alcohol involved... meaning social?


One reason I thought this was different (i.e., "safe") was because, no--no alcohol. 

Just a bunch of horny people. 

My H theorized from my description that the attendees probably mostly are recovering from breakups, divorce, etc. 

So, not a healthy place for happily-marrieds. Moving on.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

questar1 said:


> My H theorized from my description that the attendees probably mostly are recovering from breakups, divorce, etc.


Dont theorize. A bunch of horny people are looking to hook up so avoid it.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Your husband is obviously a smart man.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

questar1 said:


> I found out from the lead musician (who invited me in the first place) and from a dance instructor of both swing & blues-fusion that the blues type, which is what I witnessed, is uncomfortably sexual for some people and that the regular dancers are known for practicing polyamory.
> 
> Gee, you coulda warned me, was my thought.


 The lead musician was trying to position you into practicing polyamory with him. You need to watch that guy.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

TRy said:


> The lead musician was trying to position you into practicing polyamory with him. You need to watch that guy.


:iagree:
questar1 knows this though. That's part of the appeal. Playing with fire.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

questar1 said:


> One reason I thought this was different (i.e., "safe") was because, no--no alcohol.
> 
> Just a bunch of horny people.
> 
> ...


Good choice and good decision making.

Here's how I usually look at stuff like this.

Think back to the most attractive woman you saw at that dance. Think of the worst movements you witnessed at that dance now put that woman, making those moves on your Husband....How do you feel...If not good...then DON'T DO IT.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Good choice and good decision making.
> 
> Here's how I usually look at stuff like this.
> 
> Think back to the most attractive woman you saw at that dance. Think of the worst movements you witnessed at that dance now put that woman, making those moves on your Husband....How do you feel...If not good...then DON'T DO IT.


Actually my eyes were riveted on one woman who knew just what to do with her hips and I totally imagined smacking her if she got anywhere near my H! 

Part of the original reason for asking my question was that I was afraid that emotional surge showed a kind of overreaction or something... like there's something wrong with me. Maybe it's a hangover from the "What Constitutes an Ex" thread that I posted on here. I'm getting kind of vicious about those boundaries. So I was afraid I was out of line. I live in a very liberal community & have been accused of being a bit stuffed. (Although where i used to live, I was considered overly liberal.  )

Now I think that if I can't live with my instincts about my marriage, why bother being married. It's my marriage, not somebody else's. 

I post here to remember that I actually do own a backbone.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

TRy said:


> The lead musician was trying to position you into practicing polyamory with him. You need to watch that guy.


Um, he's actually my (very gifted & successful) nephew and just a tad older than my kids.... make me laugh

Poor dear, he was so sure his Auntie would love it!! :lol:


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