# Really need some advice...help :(



## ringingbell (Aug 25, 2014)

Hi everyone, first time poster running out of ideas, apologies if this comes over as a rant but I need neutral viewpoints.

Background. Im 35, wife is 33, we have 3 wonderful kids (7, 4 and 4 months). We own our own home, live in a nice place near both of our parents and family. Great relationship most of the time, I find her, 14 years after I met her incredible, sexy, clever, awesome with our kids. From my part I have a well paid job meaning she does not have to work (though I know she would be willing to do so if there ever was a need), do my share when I get home and im there when she needs me, for anything. We hardly fight but when we do, oh boy its a huge fight over stupid things. This is my problem, I cannot, after this last argument, get over the melodrama and abuse hurled at me. Bear with me as I try and simplify the background story a bit.

A few weeks back I was invited to a good friends 2nd stag do, as he had organized his first in a foreign country, and my (now) 4 month old would have been born within weeks of the date. I decided not to go as the location of the stag do (Ibiza, Spain) is a bit too "young" for me, and the obvious new baby. Priorities. Fast forward from Late march to Last Friday 22nd August. This new stag do was for people who did not attend the first one, and is literally down the road. So, I ask the wife if it's ok with her, and she agrees. She's great like this, trusts me just as I trust her. Implicitly. Or so I thought. Here's where the problem starts.

I asked a few days earlier whether I could have a couple of hours sleep before the night, as I knew it would be a late one. She agrees, so we meet up after work for a coffee that same day, walk home (everything is close-by where I live), and I head off to bed to grab some sleep. This is around 3.30, manage to fall asleep at 4ish and wake up around 6ish. Meanwhile my Wife has taken the kids to a local coffee shop/restaurant area to meet up with some relatives who are visiting from the UK. All good to this point, I thought. So I wake up at 6, have a shower, shave, that sort of thing. It feels great to have a few hours for myself, and im looking forward to going out with the "lads" for a few beers and laughs, its been ages, to the point where I do not remember when we all got together like this. Have to say at this point, before anyone thinks about it, I am more than cool about her seeing her friends, for me it's not even a consideration. 2 Days previous she went to see a friend of hers, got drunk and came home late. Nothing out of the ordinary, people need their own "me" time away from the kids, partner, etc. The Friday before that we both went out, without kids, and had a great time too.

So, getting back to this, I text her at 7 "How goes it babe? Kids been good for ya?" I'm all showered n rested n ****...yaay xx" to which she replies "Coming up shortly...just grabbing mcdonalds for the kids x". At this point im in a happy place, open up a can of cider and roll a joint, smoke a couple of drags, and continue getting my clothes ready. Yes, we both share a joint every night before anyone asks, once the kids are asleep and we are chilling watching TV on the couch. We've done this for years and there's no indication (to this point) that this is an issue. We're sensible about it, and don't go overboard with it. I don't drink much as a rule either.

20 or so minutes later She arrives, looks at me, and I immediately sense there's something wrong, she asks "have you smoked?", to which I put my foot in it completely in a moment of feeling defensive and said "no". Im not 100% sure why I did that, but I did. It was stupid, and I should have not done it. However I could feel a nasty vibe off her as soon as she looked at me. So an argument ensures, horrifically infront of our kids, where I try and play down my lie, seeing as what ive done is pretty damn normal for us. Plenty of times she has had a glass of wine or indeed a joint before a night out. For us it's normal, which is why I felt, despite my lie, that her reaction was way overboard. She adds the fact that I have not tidied up our daughters room or hung the washing out, stuff she normally does during the day, and stuff I normally have a "scout" around the house doing if needs be. Tonight though, I've relaxed and only tidied up our bedroom and our sons bedroom. I do my fair share of housework normally, and looking after the kids is pretty much shared once I get home from work. 

Things escalate rapidly, it gets to the point where I do not feel I have to justify myself or put up with the verbal abuse or character assassination, so I say more than a few things back, some of them weren't nice but I felt cornered. I asked her if the real issue was me going to our mutual friends stag do, that I would simply not go if it's the real reason. That did not go down well. Anyway I end up going, could not shake the nights events off my mind, had a pretty crap night and come home, feeling dejected and hurt because I feel the abuse from my initial "lie" was way OTT.

So Saturday, 8am in the morning, ive had 4 hours sleep, and feel awful. I can hear our 4 month old waking up, so i go see to her, but Im accused of "making a point" when I get up with her, which I wasn't, but of course its annoyed me when this is said to me. There was no need for it. Cue another fight, again I try and avoid the barrage of personal insults and challenge her about her behavior, to which various items are thrown at me, doors closed in my face. So I leave the house, and head to my office to cool off, whilst trying to reply to text messages off her about how she cannot trust me (everything I do is for her and the kids), I only think of myself, to stay away from home today, etc. All very hard to deal with. So she has the kids on Saturday, I languish in my office suffering panic attacks, and do as she asked me to, stay away from home until the kids are asleep. When I do get home at 10pm at night, I let her know beforehand that all I want to do is sleep, that I am emotionally and physically exhausted, in no condition to have any kind of discussion over the problem.

Sunday, I take the kids to the beach, and struggle to put on a brave face, they are aware that something going on. Her parents kindly offered to take the kids to give us a chance to talk, but she had other things to do. Fair enough. Sunday night she turns up home after being somewhere else all day (I didn't ask), she goes to bed and falls asleep before I put our kids down.

Today, she wakes us up wanting to talk it out at 3am (im totally unprepared!), however her definition of talking is the problem here. I feel like, every time I try to answer a question or put my point of view across, the goalposts are moved, she nit picks my words, makes a mockery of my tone of voice, expects me to agree with her point of view "or else". I do not take kindly to threats like this, the worst thing about it is that the few times we do have an argument I seem to be incapable to getting through to her, whether I have done something wrong or not. Its driving me to despair, this feeling that, despite having made a stupid error and lying, the vitriol I receive, the anger, the melodrama, the verbal abuse is way over the top. it has happened before, and in the past I've made the mistake (it seems) of thinking I should be the bigger person and absolve her own actions, however the last fight we had (over a cat litter tray that I hadn't cleaned too well) was similar, and I warned her that I would not stand for such abuse and melodrama over such an insignificant thing. For me, context is always key, if she ever did something to annoy me, I would treat it in the context of what it was, and how she normally is. If it's a rare mistake or lie, I will not place too much importance on and will readily forgive. Nobody is perfect, yet I get this overwhelming feeling of having to watch my words with her, or my actions more and more with her.

I find myself between a rock and a hard place, do I give in again, defuse the situation and wait, in fear, for the next mistake I make? Or I "stand my ground" so to speak, and wait for signs of acknowledgement that her actions on that Friday were way OTT in my view. Right now I type this having left my house after she gave me an ultimatum at 5am in the morning to leave for a few days. "I" have chosen to do so, in order to protect myself and my state of mind right now.

Feel free to comment, advice, point out any errors in my mindset, more information. I'd really appreciate it.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

if you feel you must make concessions to make her happy and leave

you with a nasty taste in your mouth... you just acknowledged you

are placing yourself in a position to be Mr. Doormat. If you feel you

are being lambasted....have a "sit down" with her. Does she feel

unappreciated? Would you consider a MC to help sort things out?

Yes that may seem premature but you seem to think it's on a slippery

slope


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Unfortunately, now is not the time to address your communication problems. It would be better to discuss it when there is no lingering big fight issue elephant in the room, with no emotional charge driving it.

MC is * definitely* in order here -- you two need to learn to communicate, and MC can offer a "safe haven" to air your issues with a neutral 3rd party professional to make sure you both are heard.

You ARE in a doormat FNG position, unfortunately. She does not respect you the way you need her to. That's actually a very long road uphill.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

This is the first post here on TAM that I have found that describes somewhat my marriage. We've been twnety years together, and I think my resentment at this point is beyond saving. When things were great they were awesome, and he was the best husband imaginable. But when he was stressed, or things didn't go his way, there is snapping, barking, name calling, yelling (in private and in public places), belittling , etc. And after so many years you learn never trust those happy moments, waiting for another outburst. AT first it was a shock to me, that people who supposed to love each other can do this. we talked, tried to talk about it, but it was ending up in even bigger arguments. I told him that every time he yells like this at me, or calls me names, or just vents his frustration at me, another small piece of my feelings towards him disappears. He called this blackmailing. He is very assertive and has no problem with telling me what bothers him in my behavior, but my doing the same used to end in big fights. Today he just says I'm "naggin". 
For many reasons I stayed in this relationship for twenty years. many good moments, many fights that we tend to forget about. now mortgage, two kids, and business together and I feel trapped.

I do not know if you can still save your marriage. Is she capable of listenning without fighting every word like you described (sounds very familiar to me). On this forum someone had recommended book "In sheep's clothing" about manipulative people, I found it very relevant to my life. Maybe it will help you. But if those things do not work, you'll have to make a decision. 
Just six months ago things were so bad, that after one very nasty argument that he yelled at me and called me thing I won't even say here , I did something out of character, that I had never done before in our 20 years: I aranged a weekend, all by myself, because I needed to think things through, because I do not want to be call these names ever again. That's what I told him. 
Things got better since then, he came to his senses. But the snarky comments, making problems out of small staff is here, the remarks that sting, meaninnes come up whenever he is tired, frustrated, or doesn't get his way. We have plenty of "pleasant" times as family, but I afraid there is not much lelft between us, at least on my side.


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