# Touchy Feely text



## rocketman25 (Jul 7, 2011)

My wife and I have been married for almost 8 years, and I've had problems with a guy she's been working with, and in my opinion, had a EA before with him. We've discussed him many times, and set up boundries. Told her to not delete text messages, and to make sure that any conversation between them, whether text or phone, never got involved in our marriage, or crossed over any line into our marriage. Last week, I saw a text from her saying that she needed a hug (not horrible in my mind, but not totally ok either), and his response was "can I get touchy feely?" My jaw dropped at that, and her response was LOL, not "that's inappropiate", "that's not happening", or anything wrong happened. He responded by saying at least i got you to smile, and her reply was that she was still waiting for that hug. When I looked at her phone the next morning, those messages were gone. I'm worried (still) about this guy. Probably a year ago, he (according to him jokingly) asked her to become friends with benefits. She confided in someone else and said that that hurt her, though she never said that to me, she took it as if he didn't mean it. Just looking for some advice, Thanks.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

You should have confronted her then and there mobile phone in hand


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

anonymouskitty said:


> You should have confronted her then and there mobile phone in hand


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea. The only man she should be fishing hugs from is YOU. Never in a million years would I text my male friends that I need a hug. :wtf:

She crossed a big line there. I wonder how often they "hug".


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

rocketman25 said:


> My wife and I have been married for almost 8 years, and I've had problems with a guy she's been working with, and in my opinion, *had a EA before with him.* We've discussed him many times, and set up boundries. Told her to not delete text messages, and to make sure that any conversation between them, whether text or phone, never got involved in our marriage, or crossed over any line into our marriage. Last week, I saw a text from her saying that she needed a hug (not horrible in my mind, but not totally ok either), and his response was "can I get touchy feely?" My jaw dropped at that, and her response was LOL, not "that's inappropiate", "that's not happening", or anything wrong happened. He responded by saying at least i got you to smile, and her reply was that she was still waiting for that hug. When I looked at her phone the next morning, those messages were gone. I'm worried (still) about this guy. Probably a year ago, he (according to him jokingly) asked her to become friends with benefits. She confided in someone else and said that that hurt her, though she never said that to me, she took it as if he didn't mean it. Just looking for some advice, Thanks.


"had and EA with"? *HAD????* My friend she is *HAVING* an EA with this man...if not more. You told her not to delete texts... she deleted texts. You told her not to let them cross over boundaries in your marriage... oops! Strike two! She should have gone NC back when you first discovered the inappropriate texting. They work together, you said? Well, first off, he should not be texting her but for work related things. Now that the EA had come to light. Second, because she can't go completely NC while working with him, she needs to look for a new job AND REMOVE THIS MAN FROM HER LIFE (and yours). I know, you're gonna come back and say "the economy... she can't find another job...." I wouldn't care if my husband had to work at McDonald's or Burger King. If it got him the hell away from an EA partner, SO BE IT! Get her away from this man, now!

Oh, and I would ask about the texts. Tell her that you saw them and then she deleted them. This, after AGREEING not to delete texts. She knew they were inappropriate.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Which phone is she using? On some youre able to retrieve deleted texts.

Since they are working together and are openly asking for hugs, you might want to be more concerned of it being a PA.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

I can tell ya brother, I'm going through the same thing. And my advice is brutal. Its most likely well above and beyond an ea. My wife had almost the same type of texting. The FIRST time it happened, I found out. She said what your wife said. And claimed it stopped.and mind you she didn't even delete anything. Instead? The om got her a burner phone and that's how they communicated ever since. Upon catching the burner phone, that's when I read the cold hard truth so many on here warned me was probably happening. 

Now no two wives are the same, but when there's smoke, there was fire with mine. And I'm guessing, fire with yours.

Some tips...

1. Something I thought was pointless, a voice recorder slapped to the bottom of the drivers seat. Because I saw nothing more on the cell records, I assumed it was all clear. Had I gotten that recorder, I would have had my proof fairly quickly.

2.do not confront until you have damn near irrefutible proof. Our ww's have a way of bing able to take what is (undeniable) proof to outsiders, and convince us were crazy.

3.if you can afford one, hire a pi to follow her for a week.this requires you to be patient and not flip out during that week. There's no better information gathering than an unbiased source.

4.keep checking the cell records just in case. I would check at least a couple times a day.

5.figure out your immediate steps of action in case she is having a pa, BEFORE you find out. This way when you do, and your emotions take over your every fiber of your being, you don't make a mistake on what you need to do for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Why is she being allowed to talk to him at all, you know its inapropos, and so does she, and she is hiding things from you----put your foot down now, before this gets out of hand

If she doesn't like it---then you say to her, maybe you would rather be with him, than me---but as long as we are married, you are not gonna disrespect me and the mge, by flirting with this guy---so it stops now, or just possibly we stop

You MUST be forceful, and you are to DEMAND, not ask her to stop---this is your mge, and this guy is infringing on it---once again, if she doesn't like it---to bad---if she wants to flirt/fool around with other men, then get out of the mge------be firm, and MEAN WHAT YOU SAY


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

From July 7, 2011:

My wife and I have been married now for 6 and a half years, and we have 2 children ages 5 and 3. We've had a good marriage, very little fighting, arguing. We work different times of the day most of the time, in order to meet our needs financially, she works days, i'm nights and weekends. About 8 months ago, we switched phone plans, and my wife no longer needed her old cell phone, and let my daughter have it to play with. One day I just looked through it, not knowing what to find, and discovered that she's had a close (guy) friend at work, and they've been texting back and forth for a long while (I had no idea). Some of the texts included him saying she's pretty, has nice legs etc. I confronted her on this, and she said they were doing all that chatting when things weren't going so hot with us (communication issues with us). But about a month before i found those messages, she said that they talked and that they were only gonna be friends, that it wasn't going to go beyond that, though that's what he wanted. This was all done in secret. I was apprehensive for sure, just didn't buy into it. Well, since I've kept checking her new cell from time to time to see how the chatting has been going, and checking the cell bill to see how often they do chat. I've noticed that there's been a lot of chatting and that she deletes many of the messages the same day she texts them. We've talked about that a couple of times, and she says nothing is happening, they are just good friends. Ok, not buying it yet. Then, about 2 months ago, I find out that she's chatting on facebook with an old boyfriend. Some of the talk is ok, some is crossing lines, reminiscing about they're past lives together, especially the sex lives. I found out about it but let it go, seeing what would happen. Well one day, she actually asked the ex for advice on what to do with the friend at work. She told him that the friend at work was getting closer, and asked her for sex, where no one would find out, and that they should become friends with benefits. He told her to tell the friend that she is married, and wants nothing to do with that. Now i never saw the texts, but eventually saw the facebook chats about that, and after things went way too far with the ex on facebook, I confronted the whole situation. Needless to say, the ex is completly out of the picture (which my marriage almost went with it). The friend is still in the picture, because he's a coworker, and stands up for her at work all the time. He's close to her, and I've seen that things haven't changed with them. He's still pursuing her sexually, but she's said she will never do that with him. She's said that it's mostly joking that he does that, it's not joking to me. I'm trying to check messages everyday, cause I'm not sure how much to trust her word. She's also used him for advice on our marriage, so he knows alot about any problems we have, which scares me too. I'm puzzled at what to do to resolve this, he's not gonna stop i feel, and she's either gonna give into him, or get hurt by him, also hurting me at the same time. She's lied to me about him from time to time. She called me one time on the way home from work, and said that the roads weren;t too good, and was gonna let me go so she could concentrate on driving, but seeing the bill, she quickly hung up, and called him for 15 min til she got home. She also was texting him on the way home from a romantic weekend getaway for us two, and while we were on a weekend trip with my family to a baseball game 3 hrs away. I know he's gone too far into my marriage, just gotta get my wife to see it. I'm tempted to call him, text him, or block his cell from texting or calling my wife, but not sure if that won't put more friction in the situation. I hope I've done a good job describing what's going on, any advice would be good, any questions ill try to answer as well. 

From December 22, 2011:

My wife of over 7 years now, has had an on again off again EA with a guy from work. Though she'll never admit she had feelings for him, or that it even got to the point to be considered an affair of any kind. I've tried ending their relationship with no avail. She still does some of the things that caused my suspicion, deleting texts (when we discussed that and she said she wouldn't), she's always the one starting the texts or phone calls to the guy, and now i find out that my wife has bought is daughter a christmas gift or 2. She did this last year too, and i wasn't happy about it, and to do it again, is just a slap in the face, pretty sure she got her birthday gifts too. She still tries to get our 2 kids and his together for playdates while I'm working (though its never happened yet). She got him birthday gift last year, but when it came to my wife's she admitted he got her nothing, cause he was afraid of how i would react. Well, I guess it's time to react again....christmas time or not...she has to stop it with him, or it's gonna be a long cold winter for her when she finds her stuff on the porch in 2 feet of snow. 


*This has been bothering you for a long time. Do you think your wife loves you, or is it just inconvenient for her to leave you? 

She WILL NOT give up this guy for you no matter how you feel. She WILL NOT stop deleting his texts. SHE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL. SHE LIES TO YOU, BOTH DIRECTLY AND BY OMISSION, ON A CONTINUAL BASIS.

How would your wife react if you suggested divorce?*


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Cheaters do lie.

Your wife lied to you. You are uncomfortable with the other guy.

I dont know why he should be texting your wife like the ones you said. Why do you tolerate?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Rocketman,
You wife is disrespectful to you man.
She knows the rules both of you agreed on.
She is sending direct " yes " signals to this OM. 
He responded like that to her text because she is showing him the green light. she is pretending to be offended [ at his " friends with benefits " suggestion ] because she is worried of how he sees her.[ Good girl / bad girl complex ] But deep down she loves the idea and is considering it.
Why do I say this?
Because she has not ENDED THE FRIENDSHIP.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Dude you are on a big time slippery slope with your chick, its just a matter of time when you ask her whats wrong, and her reply will be "I didn't mean it to happen".

Or worse, you'll get the " I love you but not inlove with you" speech. 

You need to protect your marriage and she needs to affair proof hers. So you can't control her but you no longer tolorate her behavior by asking her to leave if she continues. IMO your chick can see the danger in lossing you and doing something she will regret by stopping all contact with OM. This action just might keep her around.

Again you can't control her, but you can stop tolorating sharing your wife by asking her to leave. I know its hard and risky...it was the hardest thing for me to show my fWW this kind of tough love, but it worked!


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Rocketman and Will Kane----especially W K----why are you allowing this to go on with your wife-----you are already miserable, spending all your thinking hours about the THIRD PERSON IN YOUR MGE---your wife is completely "dissing" you---AND YOU LET IT GO ON----you both know it exists, are you to chicken sh*t to do anything about it---and don't you even think about coming back at me, cuz you know I am right with every word I speak----

You are just letting her walk all over you, and you do nothing---how is it that you are so able to give out advice, but you won't do what needs to be done in your own household

Sorry rocketman for T/J your thread---but will kane, need a dose of the truth


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

What The Guy said Worked for me too. My H had an almost yr long EA w/a coworker. I tried pulling him out the 'nice way'. NO DICE. Then I played hard ball. Demanded he end it or I D him, period. It was long and painful. He had to quit his job to go NC but he did it. If he hadnt I have NO doubt it would have gone PA and would have been unsaveable by now. He quit with NO job lined up BUT it was the ONLY way to save our marriage. Every day he spent with her was one more day of HELL for me. Im still not positive we'll make it, I think we will, but its a rough road. Get her away from him ASAP. Its ALWAYS so much worse than it looks. So much you dont know.
Dude, you gotta wake up.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Rocketman and Will Kane----especially W K----why are you allowing this to go on with your wife-----you are already miserable, spending all your thinking hours about the THIRD PERSON IN YOUR MGE---your wife is completely "dissing" you---AND YOU LET IT GO ON----you both know it exists, are you to chicken sh*t to do anything about it---and don't you even think about coming back at me, cuz you know I am right with every word I speak----
> 
> You are just letting her walk all over you, and you do nothing---how is it that you are so able to give out advice, but you won't do what needs to be done in your own household
> 
> Sorry rocketman for T/J your thread---but will kane, need a dose of the truth


Will Kane was quoting things from ROCKETMAN'S previous posts... from a year ago. THis isn't about WK's wife, it's RM'S wife!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Each and every day they spend with their AP is one day closer they are to leaving YOU. Deeper and deeper into fairy tale land. The bigger the fantasy. The closer to a PA it gets. The more opportunity. The more desire. The more they find wrong with you b/c they want to justify their actions. For God's sake do SOMETHING! I waited too long trying to get him to chose ME on his own-it just wont happen. YOu have to JERK them out of fantasy land! Expose their dirty little secret and fight for your marriage like its the last thing you'll ever do!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Another continue-to-work-with-the-AP FAIL

Rocket, no one has ever continued to work with the Affair Partner, whether EA or PA or whatever, and successfully reconciled with their spouse. Nobody. Her job has got to go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Drop the hammer. She must go full NC with this guy immediately. If she works with him she must quite her job now. 

Then she will need to gom through withdrawal and monitor this.

In addition you need to come to grips with just how far this went.

Her reaction to the NC will tell you this.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

It's well past time for one final "Come to Jesus Meeting" between the two of you. Either she unconditionally accepts your demands or you should start making plans to 180 and file at the court house! You deserve so much better out of life, my friend!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Another continue-to-work-with-the-AP FAIL
> 
> Rocket, no one has ever continued to work with the Affair Partner, whether EA or PA or whatever, and successfully reconciled with their spouse. Nobody. Her job has got to go.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


THIS. Read my thread about my H having to leave his job. It became a living hell for both of us for him to be there. He literally worked 10ft from her all day long. Too much to ask of either of us to tolerate but especially me. I couldnt eat, I couldnt sleep. I KNEW what had gone on between them and even though it was over I couldnt stand the idea of him being near her. It was a disaster waiting to happen. Cause lets face it- Is it EVER really over as long as they have contact??? NO. NEVER. The temptation will always exist. Someone will always push the limit. Test the boundaries. Send that unneccessary email or text. Set up that one on one meeting. Always. 

My H started working from home to get away from her thinking it would help-no-she just emailed and called and and and. ... I couldnt take it. It never works. He had to sacrifice his job or his marriage. He made his bed just as your wife has.


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Yea. The only man she should be fishing hugs from is YOU. Never in a million years would I text my male friends that I need a hug. :wtf:
> 
> She crossed a big line there. I wonder how often they "hug".


Yes, from what I understand a if they admit a hug they (usually) really did oral
A Kiss = sex
And Sex = pornstar sex at least 10x in your bed


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

It's like drug dealer conversation code where "sugar" or "flour" means some kind of white powder, and "mulch" means grass. etc.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Why are ok with your wife being friends with a guy that wants to f*ck her?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

frankieg said:


> holy crap will my eyes went buggy, use paragraphs please.


Again, Will copied and pasted from the OP's previous threads... exactly as he wrote it months ago (one was a year ago).


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