# Differences, fighting and possible adultery.



## snowcrashed (Apr 23, 2016)

Hey all,

It has definitely been an interesting year in my marriage so let me see how best I can sum everything up. Been with my wife this December for 10 years, married for 7 years as of May. While we have always fought due to small things and misunderstandings, we both communicate in very different ways, it has been really bad over the last year. Last father's day was the first time she got so mad at me she kicked me out of the house for the day. It has happened several times since, sometimes she'll demand I go sleep on the couch. 2 weeks ago she wanted me out of the house entirely, but this was sort of a agreement we came to so it wasn't a 'she kicked me out and took my keys or changed the locks' type of situation. 

I'm back at the house now, it was only for 2 nights she wanted me gone so I honestly didn't mind as I need time to cool off after what started the fight this time in the first place. Background: she has ALWAYS looked at Craigslist Missed Connections ads as she derives great amusement from them. She does not ever reply to them, I have verified this, and if something is about her she like the ego boost. We actually met on CL through an ad she posted in the Casual Encounters section, so her using this site and looking at ads for amusement is a habit from long before we even met. 

However, I was growing suspicious of her (for reasons I can't even fully explain), decided to snoop through her phone and found she had been looking at the Casual Encounters area and specifically looking at guys with huge ****s looking for BBWs (she is a big girl, but I like that). Didn't see anything in her e-mail, but couldn't shake the feeling this time was different. I then find a random address in her maps history that I couldn't explain her being near no matter how hard I thought about it.

Confronted her about it. Of course the focus of the fight and everything resulting from it was the fact that I snooped. Not really surprised and I didn't expect her to not be mad about it, but I just didn't believe her when she said she wanted to find out why some guys like BBWs. She has been depressed lately and doesn't feel that great about herself so I while I told her I'm letting it go this time, doesn't mean I'm not keeping an eye on her. 

Phone is locked down so I can't get on it now of course, so is her computer. Her Kindle however was not and guess what I find in the web history? More browsing of Missed Connection ads and history that shows she at least visited the home page of ****** *******. 

My gut tells me that if she hasn't cheated on me already, she is definitely getting ready to. I'll give as many details as possible about why I'm trying to not give up on this marriage and my thought process, but I also won't become a doormat at the same time: 

-We have a 3.5 year old daughter together.
-As with most couples, we would struggle financially individually and we have a lease on our current place in both our names through April 2018. 
-At this point, if she is going to cheat I'm about to let it happen, hopefully have proof of it and not have to pay court ordered alimony/child support. 
-Also, I feel she is thinking about cheating as means to bring everything to an end. She knows I won't stay if she cheats. Neither of us will call it quits at this point but I think she has checked out of the marriage now. 
-I have a USB VAR (it's all I could afford) to cover her car and an old cell phone I can set up with Manything at the house to record so if anything happens when I'm not at home I've got my proof. 
-I know what people will say about me snooping, but I honestly don't feel guilty about it because she has given me the whole 'I love you but not in love with you' speech and she continues to check CL ads for people noticing her in public. She also is out of the house at times during the weekend for long periods of time shopping as she claims.


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## snowcrashed (Apr 23, 2016)

Wow, really TAM? The stars were supposed to be the famous cheating website that rhymes with Smashly Addison.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

you guys met on CL casual encounters?

now shes looking again?

now she locked her phone and computer?

if it walks like a duck.


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## snowcrashed (Apr 23, 2016)

chillymorn69 said:


> you guys met on CL casual encounters?
> 
> now shes looking again?
> 
> ...


Yeah I know it sounds like something she just does, but I honestly don't believe that. I think the desire to cheat now is she knows I'll want the F out of this marriage no matter what. 

This way I'm labeled the A-hole who wouldn't be nice to her and treat her like a woman deserves to be treated. She'll get sympathy from all her female friends.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

snowcrashed said:


> Yeah I know it sounds like something she just does, but I honestly don't believe that. I think the desire to cheat now is she knows I'll want the F out of this marriage no matter what.
> 
> This way I'm labeled the A-hole who wouldn't be nice to her and treat her like a woman deserves to be treated. She'll get sympathy from all her female friends.


WTF is wrong with you that you let your wife put you out of your own house and when she does let you back you sleep on the couch.Maybe if you grew a backbone and a pair of balls your wife would have a husband she could respect and admire and wouldn't need to look at male porn or use Craigslist to give her ego a boost.
Then you say you are hoping she cheats so you don't look like the bad guy.I have news for you,you ARE the bad guy.
I really feel sorry for your wife and it's no wonder she is overweight,she is probably comfort eating to get some sort of enjoyment out of life because frankly she's not getting much from you.


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## snowcrashed (Apr 23, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> WTF is wrong with you that you let your wife put you out of your own house and when she does let you back you sleep on the couch.Maybe if you grew a backbone and a pair of balls your wife would have a husband she could respect and admire and wouldn't need to look at male porn or use Craigslist to give her ego a boost.
> Then you say you are hoping she cheats so you don't look like the bad guy.I have news for you,you ARE the bad guy.
> I really feel sorry for your wife and it's no wonder she is overweight,she is probably comfort eating to get some sort of enjoyment out of life because frankly she's not getting much from you.


For one thing, where did I ever say that after I came back to the house I had to sleep on the couch? Your post and everything in it is invalid because you couldn't be bothered to read the entirety of mine. You skimmed it for a few choice words and it triggered your 'Man Impulse' to assume that I 'let' her kick me out and do all this to me. Learn to read complete sentences and form them into a paragraph.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

snowcrashed said:


> For one thing, where did I ever say that after I came back to the house I had to sleep on the couch? Your post and everything in it is invalid because you couldn't be bothered to read the entirety of mine. You skimmed it for a few choice words and it triggered your 'Man Impulse' to assume that I 'let' her kick me out and do all this to me. Learn to read complete sentences and form them into a paragraph.


Fighting back....

Gives credence to the tale of the BBW's wayward tail.

Snowcrashed, I hope the snow is cold and is not powdery.

Downhills are a bear with no ski poles or posters to steer you straight, to prop you up.

Do not let others push you off into the Moguls.


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## snowcrashed (Apr 23, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Fighting back....
> 
> Gives credence to the tale of the BBW's wayward tail.
> 
> ...


Why is defending myself labeled as fighting back? He got key details wrong about my situation, they were typed out and on display clearly in front of him. I don't see how he could have misinterpreted what's as clear as his monitor resolution, but ok whatever.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

snowcrashed said:


> For one thing, where did I ever say that after I came back to the house I had to sleep on the couch? Your post and everything in it is invalid because you couldn't be bothered to read the entirety of mine. You skimmed it for a few choice words and it triggered your 'Man Impulse' to assume that I 'let' her kick me out and do all this to me. Learn to read complete sentences and form them into a paragraph.


Which part of "sometimes she'll demand I sleep on the couch" did I read incorrectly.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

snowcrashed said:


> Why is defending myself labeled as fighting back? He got key details wrong about my situation, they were typed out and on display clearly in front of him. I don't see how he could have misinterpreted what's as clear as his monitor resolution, but ok whatever.


Being defensive (regardless of what you are defending) is going to cause any objective person to question your role in your situation a little more closely. That is an unfortunate fact that you can refuse to your own detriment.

As to defending your position, one can do so without being defensive. You triggered off of another's trigger. 

My suggestion to you would be to tell you to take it down a notch and clarify what you think is incorrect without adding fuel to the fire.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

snowcrashed said:


> Yeah I know it sounds like something she just does, but I honestly don't believe that. I think the desire to cheat now is she knows I'll want the F out of this marriage no matter what.
> 
> This way I'm labeled the A-hole who wouldn't be nice to her and treat her like a woman deserves to be treated. She'll get sympathy from all her female friends.


quack quack......just sayin.

so her actions are acceptable to you
ie: cruising craigs list.

locking her phone and not being open ?

and who cares what her friends think!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

See an attorney to become informed on what your rights and responsibilities will be in the event she tries to leave with the child, kick you out or if one of you files for divorce.

There are very few, if in fact any, places where her cheating will relieve you of any child support or alimony responsibilities if you have a wide difference in your incomes.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

snowcrashed said:


> Wow, really TAM? The stars were supposed to be the famous cheating website that rhymes with Smashly Addison.


Just curious... trying to understand this post. "Wow, really TAM?".. what are you referring to here?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you checked with a lawyer about the divorce laws in your state?

Most likely adultery will not impact child support. I doubt that any court in any state would withhold financial support for children based on adultery.

In most states, adultery will not affect the split of assets during divorce.

In only a few states will adultery have any impact at all on spousal support (alimony).

Have you looked up the standards required by the court to prove adultery? It's very very high. 

If you want a divorce, it's probably best to just get a divorce and not play this game.

You made a mistake by confronting her when you found that evidence. As you see, confronting before you have solid, irrefutable evidence only serves to drive the cheater underground. Plus it gives them the fuel to use anger against you.

This time, if you are going to play the 'gotcha' game and try to catch her cheating with enough evidence to prove infidelity in court, keep your mouth shut, gather the evidence and keep gathering it until your attorney says you have enough.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

The VAR for the car is a good idea (hopefully you've got it well hidden and properly configured). I'd probably get a GPS device in there as well.

It's pretty clear what's going on.

Start talking with attorneys and ask about whether or not having proof of infidelity would get you out of paying spousal support / alimony (probably won't impact CS at all).

If so, keep digging; if not, just file.

And don't let her throw you out of the house or send you to the couch ever again.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Snowcrashed, what do you guys actually fight about that she kicks you out of the bedroom or house?

What sets her off?
Are her arguments valid or is she simply disrespecting you?


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## snowcrashed (Apr 23, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Have you checked with a lawyer about the divorce laws in your state?
> 
> Most likely adultery will not impact child support. I doubt that any court in any state would withhold financial support for children based on adultery.
> 
> ...



Yeah, I realized it right after I confronted her that I shouldn't have said anything. I was so sure I had caught her that I felt it was time to confront. Now I've lost access to her phone and computer, so trust me I've been kicking myself ever since. I am still keeping an eye out and gathering anything I think will be useful as evidence.

Sorry for the late and long reply, but to answer yours and most other questions:

1. The Really TAM was about starring out the name of that famous cheating website, found it slightly funny and frustrating at the same time. Oh well. 

2. No, I have not consulted with a lawyer yet. The cost is what is keeping me from doing so. Until I have something more to confirm suspicions, I can't afford to spend the money on legal fees. Not to mention it would be tough to hide from her, shared finances and all. Money is tight enough that she would notice anything from my paychecks not in the account. 

3. I routinely have a VAR in her car, sometimes her purse if I think there's a chance I can place it somewhere she won't discover it, and have a Manything account set up with an old cell phone hidden in the house. So I'm doing everything I can within my means to get proof of anything at this point.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

It's disrespectful to the marriage to continue to look at CL in my opinion. You rationalize her wrong behavior by saying it's a habit and it makes her feel good about herself or whatever. 
If you tell her how you feel and that you don't trust her because x,y and z and she makes no attempts to change her behavior to make you trust her than I think that says it all. It must be really hard to just wait until you have proof. 
I guess I don't really know what your doing. There are issues that need to be addressed in your marriage. You can't just wait until you caught her. You can't go through a marriage thinking your wife is going to cheat on you any second.


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