# How do I forget??



## LostSoul256 (Dec 19, 2011)

Hey everyone... newbie here and looking for some advice... 

Sorry but this is a long story, my wife and I have been together for just over 12yrs, married for almost 9 with 3 boys... About two years ago, someone (male) came into our lives through another friend... our families quickly became mutual friends... Now, my wife and I had been having a rocky relationship for about 5yrs prior to this. I admit that I was mostly to blame for this, as my communication with her was basically non-existant, and for a long time, I did hardly nothing around the house to help her out. So anyhow, after quickly becoming very close friends with the husband of the family I was talking about, I began confiding in him about my marriage.. After he and I talked on a few occasions, and texted back and forth countless times over a couple months period, he began talking with my wife as well, which I was fully aware of.. 

Now, while I do still give him credit for literally saving my marriage at one point, this is where it get's bad.... After I thought we was working things out, we all continued to text each other, and I thought nothing of it... until it got to the point that I noticed when I got home from work, her phone would go off every couple minutes, for hours on end... Naturally I got curious... After probably 3-4 months of this, all the while causing fights between my wife and I due to the texting... She broke down to me one night, and confessed that she was confused, didn't know if she loved me anymore, and that she thought she had fallen in love with this guy... 

At this point, I had already 'known' in my gut it was coming... so, we talked for a couple hours about it... I continuously asked her what all had happened between them, and she repeated that all it was, was talking.. nothing more had happened. We all three sat down together one day (yes, I was able to sit with them in the same room, and yes I am actually a very reasonable man).. I admitted that, while it was 100% wrong of them to do this behind my back, I was still partly to blame by pushing her away for so many years, she had found someone else to confide in and was there to listen to her... 

We actually attempted to all stay friends, however about a month later, me and him had a blowout over something else... at that point, my wife told me that if i was no longer going to be friends with him, that she, too would break all communication with him, and she has (believe me, I have a LOT of connections both physically and electronically)... 

So, back in Feb. we found out that she was pregnant, and yes he is mine, I can assure you of this... To this day, I honestly believe this baby saved our marriage, BUT... here's where I need advice... for 99.9% of that day, I am perfectly happy with her, and she tells me often that she is so happy that I gave her that second chance, and that she deeply regrets what happened. HOWEVER, there are points in time, that, for whatever reason, my brain starts thinking, "what if they lied, and there really WAS a PA going on...." and I begin getting mental images of them together... how the hell do I stop this?!? I can honestly say that I believe her when she says nothing physical happened, so why does my head do this to me??? 

Again, I'm sorry this is so long, but wanted to really get the jist of the story out there... Also, I am NOT looking for the negative **** like "Dude, she did cheat on you and had sex with him, don't believe her!" or other crap like that. Thanks for your time reading this, and for any possible advice/help.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

1. Get a paternity test just in case.
2. Have her take a polygraph.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

LostSoul256 said:


> Hey everyone... newbie here and looking for some advice...
> 
> Sorry but this is a long story, my wife and I have been together for just over 12yrs, married for almost 9 with 3 boys... About two years ago, someone (male) came into our lives through another friend... our families quickly became mutual friends... Now, my wife and I had been having a rocky relationship for about 5yrs prior to this. I admit that I was mostly to blame for this, as my communication with her was basically non-existant, and for a long time, I did hardly nothing around the house to help her out. So anyhow, after quickly becoming very close friends with the husband of the family I was talking about, I began confiding in him about my marriage.. After he and I talked on a few occasions, and texted back and forth countless times over a couple months period, he began talking with my wife as well, which I was fully aware of..
> 
> ...


It will take time to get beyond the negative feelings generated by this. It's just a part of the process to have times when you second guess what you have been told. Many Affairs are not physical in nature, but whatever they are, they put a severe dent in a marriage. I try to distract myself with hobbies and or pleasant thoughts. My H and I also talk about the A and I am gaining more trust in him and I hit bottom less often. Both he and I also had individual counseling as a result of this, and I do think it helpful. I wish you this best.


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## LostSoul256 (Dec 19, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> It will take time to get beyond the negative feelings generated by this. It's just a part of the process to have times when you second guess what you have been told. Many Affairs are not physical in nature, but whatever they are, they put a severe dent in a marriage. I try to distract myself with hobbies and or pleasant thoughts. My H and I also talk about the A and I am gaining more trust in him and I hit bottom less often. Both he and I also had individual counseling as a result of this, and I do think it helpful. I wish you this best.


Thank you, in a way, I can say that it has gotten better.. it just tears at my soul and heart because usually late at night (I have insomnia, have had for many years), and frequently when we are in bed and things start getting heated up, these freakin thoughts try to kick in... it doesn't help matters that I also suffer from manic-depression, and have found that I am actually better WITHOUT the meds than on them. But the manic-depressive's mind works differently than the 'normal' mind.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

How long since D-Day for you?

bryan is right. If you have ANY doubt about the baby being yours put that to rest with a paternity test. If you really have any doubts about what they engaged in a polygraph will help ease your mind. If she has told the truth then there is nothing for her to worry about. If not then you will more than likely know long before she actually takes the test. You can let her know that it is very normal that the trust issue is still bothering you and this will once and for all settle things so you can both move on and have a happy family.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

LostSoul256 said:


> To this day, I honestly believe this baby saved our marriage, BUT... here's where I need advice... for 99.9%


If the baby saved your marriage, meaning you both stayed together to do the right thing, then you're both in big trouble down the road my friend. If she wasn't pregnant, would you have left?

And if you still have to ask because of a .1% chance that she might have had a PA, then it's more like 50% you think she didn't do it and 50% you think she did do it. A .1% doesn't make you feel this way.


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## madwoman (Oct 20, 2011)

I don't blame you for questioning it. It is probably the smartest thing you've done

It's self preservation. SMART. Get the blood test. Install keyloggers on the computer. 

Check it from time to time. 

I know you said you know the child is yours (congrats by the way)

But, what is cheating?

She hid the phone from you, and denied any thing wrong going on. That is a lie. 

She lied to protect a relationship that wasn't your marraige.

Now that she seems committed, you must wonder if they lied to protect you from the truth. 

She caused the pain your in. Please read the threads on here often, and try to come to grips with what may have happened, and if it did, she is still lying. Omitting the truth is as much a lie, as LYING. Read, read, read.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Even if she's telling the truth and never even thinks of the OM again, GET THEE TO A COUNSELOR!!!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

LostSoul256 said:


> *So, back in Feb. we found out that she was pregnant, and yes he is mine, I can assure you of this... *


It looks like some didn't read this part. Just saying.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

morituri said:


> It looks like some didn't read this part. Just saying.


I read it but just wanted to reiterate in case the OP was in his own denial fog as so often happens on this forum. If there is even the slightest doubt in his mind then a simple test will remove that doubt and allow him to concentrate on other factors.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Again, because I posted something about this on someone else's thread, I get where you are coming from and I'm looking for the same answers....my H, to my knowledge, only had an EA, I found out a year and a half ago and it's been about 2 years since the EA but it still hurts like hell and thoughts and recollections about the conversations between them that I had read pop into my mind all the time.....I have no answer for you and I doubt that anyone can give you an answer. We can all give you suggestions, but what I've learned through my experience with this is that it's something that you're going to have to get through on your own terms because nobody knows you like you.....all we can do is maybe give you some support to get through it, which is what I'm hoping for too in coming here...it's been a while since I've been on here, but these thoughts coming up yet again for me tonight and causing a fight between me and H, I just thought I'd see what I could find....Good luck with whatever you do....


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