# Need advice!



## The Stranger (Jun 14, 2012)

I have been married for quite some time now, Me and my wife went through our first hard time a couple years ago, She wanted out and said i was a horrible husband, but that couldnt be true, i love her and our kids and i did anything to please her, I found out she was talking to someone on the internet, (I still to this day have no Idea if they had sex or not while we were split up) Well obviously she wanted to leave me for someone and something new, her excuses were empty to me after i found that out, I knew the real reason, Well I found out she had a secret user name on gmail, and when i asked her about it she said it was old, then to top it off, i find out it wasnt old she made it last week? I dont know if she is still talking to that guy or not, i have no proof, but just like last time i feel it in my bones, I dont know what to do anymore, im tired of being lied to and unhappy, I am a great guy, honest and loving man and a devoted father I love her I just wish she would treat me the same way. What do I do?


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## MadeInMichigan (May 8, 2012)

Quit being a great guy and "wishing" for things. Man up. Others will be along shortly with the details.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

The Stranger said:


> She wanted out and said i was a horrible husband, but that couldnt be true, i love her and our kids and i did anything to please her,


No, she shouldn't have fooled around, but reread this sentence that you wrote. She was unhappy, and you assured her that she couldn't possibly be unhappy since you are such a great guy.

Really? This is the kind of thing that makes women crazy. We tell you right out what the problem is, and you assure us that it's just not a problem. Even worse, you believe it when you say it.

Go back and talk to her, listen to what she was trying to tell you.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Your wife enjoys name calling, cheating on you, and lying to you.

Your options are:

1) Enjoy a marriage with a foul-mouthed, lying, cheating wife.

2) Tell your wife you will no longer tolerate cheating, lying, or her berating you, and enforce that boundary by leaving if she doesn't live up to it.

3) Decide you deserve better than a cheating, lying, foul-mouthed life partner, and leave. 

Whichever you decide, I also recommend:

a) Get some individual counseling to determine why you are attracted to and tolerate someone like this to be in your life, or your kid's life. Your kids are learning that your wife's behavior is the way of the world. Not good.


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## The Stranger (Jun 14, 2012)

Here's the truth, women get bored and want something new, they are more deviant and coniving then men and they will say whatever it is that they need to say to hurt, cut down or hide the truth, so no matter what the true reason is, the ACTUAL reason is another man. thats it no ifs ands or buts!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Stranger,

What people are trying to tell you is that while you are NOT responsible for your wife's possible infidelity, you do share in the problems of the marriage.

Folks here are telling you that you need to talk to your wife and find out what her issue with you are and then go forward from there


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

...and on the other hand I'm beginning to understand why you guys make a good match.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Acorn, the OP's post provides no evidence as to the assertions you have made.

I'm particularly intrigued by your repeated accusations that this woman (whom you have never met) is "foul-mouthed". I have reread The Stranger's post four times, and that's just not there.

I think you are projecting a little bit, don't you?

It's okay to be upset, but try not to take it out on, well, Strangers.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

The Stranger said:


> Here's the truth, women get bored and want something new, they are more deviant and coniving then men and they will say whatever it is that they need to say to hurt, cut down or hide the truth, so no matter what the true reason is, the ACTUAL reason is another man. thats it no ifs ands or buts!


Back off there cowboy!

This is a very narrow view of the other sex! You don't think there are men like this out there too?

I think you really do need some serious counseling after this post!


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## The Stranger (Jun 14, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Stranger,
> 
> What people are trying to tell you is that while you are NOT responsible for your wife's possible infidelity, you do share in the problems of the marriage.
> 
> Folks here are telling you that you need to talk to your wife and find out what her issue with you are and then go forward from there


I did, she just likes attention from other men! I see it now, Im good! thanks for the help guys!


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## The Stranger (Jun 14, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Back off there cowboy!
> 
> This is a very narrow view of the other sex! You don't think there are men like this out there too?
> 
> I think you really do need some serious counseling after this post!


I think you cant put faith in the human species anymore, it always comes back to bite you!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

No, Stranger, you don't see it at all. Wow, you didn't even really pick a post that agreed with your statement.

Well, it's a drive-by, amigos. What can you do?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

lamaga said:


> Acorn, the OP's post provides no evidence as to the assertions you have made.
> 
> I'm particularly intrigued by your repeated accusations that this woman (whom you have never met) is "foul-mouthed". I have reread The Stranger's post four times, and that's just not there.
> 
> ...


My point is, you could tell me the content of my post is horrible and that's fine, but if you started mouthing off on TAM that I was a horrible poster, I would take offense.

I also take issue that his wife apparently found another guy and then decided the husband was horrible. That's what I read anyway.

And yes, that is a trigger for me, LOL.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Rewriting history is a classic sign of the mid life crisis, along with cheating. 

My wife made me out to be the worst guy in the world, everyone knew the truth. She took our 1% bad moments and made them 99% of what she recalled. 

It was like some alien took over her body. 

It took a little over a year, but she is back. The fog has lifted. Patience is the virtue that will get you through.

I am sorry you are going through this. Divorce bustings is a good read.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

The Stranger said:


> I think you cant put faith in the human species anymore, it always comes back to bite you!


Unlike other posters here, I don't agree that it's always about something wrong in the marriage. I think it's particularly telling that the person she chose to cheat with wasn't a friend or a co-worker--someone she knew and developed a relationship with, where her needs could be met--instead she chose a stranger. 

You are not responsible for her stupid choice. And you are not a mind reader. 

As someone recently said in another thread--very aptly--she had 4 choices

1. do nothing

2. ask for counseling

3. divorce you

4. cheat

the fact that she chose the most immature and selfish one does, unfortunately speak volumes of her.

You are responsible for at least 50% of the vulnerability in the marriage; but you are not responsible for her stupid selfish choices (such as possibly exposing you to STDs).

I suggest you ask that your thread be moved to Coping with Infidelity, PM a mod such as Chris H. or Halien and they will do it for you.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

lamaga said:


> No, Stranger, you don't see it at all. Wow, you didn't even really pick a post that agreed with your statement.
> 
> Well, it's a drive-by, amigos. What can you do?


Do you think that sometimes cheating is justified? That is the message I get from much of your advice to people who are betrayed by their spouses.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

The Stranger said:


> Here's the truth, women get bored and want something new, they are more deviant and coniving then men and they will say whatever it is that they need to say to hurt, cut down or hide the truth, so no matter what the true reason is, the ACTUAL reason is another man. thats it no ifs ands or buts!


Wow! Take a breath and count to ten! She's got you BSed. She's 
turning it on you, and your swallowing. 

If you want some views, stay around and read. Some posters are outlandish to shock you out of your fog. You will find a lot of experiences here, you won't get elsewhere.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Install a keylogger on her computer and read her emails/messages without confronting her right away. Report back here what you find.

Have you had sex with her after the seperation? If you did get tested for STDs.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

No, Iheartlife, that is not what I said.

But I will continue to point out logical inconsistencies in posts until the mods tell me that I cannot.

This guy never dealt with his wife's unhappiness because he just knew, KNEW, that he was a great guy. Ergo, how could she be unhappy?

Sheeesh.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

lamaga said:


> No, Iheartlife, that is not what I said.
> 
> But I will continue to point out logical inconsistencies in posts until the mods tell me that I cannot.
> 
> ...


Sounds like justification to me.

And I'm allowed to ask you questions until the mods tell me I cannot.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

She was also in the fog of an affair, and she just knew he was a horrible husband.

A match made in heaven!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Way to nitpick a statement to serve your agenda. I find your recent posts having a double standard when it comes to women infidelity lamaga.

This is the statement




> She wanted out and said i was a horrible husband, but that couldnt be true, i love her and our kids and i did anything to please her,


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Acorn said:


> She was also in the fog of an affair, and she just knew he was a horrible husband.
> 
> A match made in heaven!


My husband probably would (at one time) have said the same thing about me.

Funny thing, he decided to stay and reconcile with his "horrible" wife via marriage counseling. He's also in individual counseling to understand why he chose cheating--of all things--to solve his problems.

What a lot of judgment from a couple of sentences from the OP.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

lamaga, so another OP comes here with a devastating life problem and you tell them it's their fault and, in the midst of infidelity, they should just apologize to their WS. Please!


:scratchhead:


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Acorn, the OP's post provides no evidence as to the assertions you have made.
> 
> I'm particularly intrigued by your repeated accusations that this woman (whom you have never met) is "foul-mouthed". I have reread The Stranger's post four times, and that's just not there.
> 
> ...


The irony of this post. 

I think I will stop responding to lamaga posts.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I dunno, obviously lamaga discounted the cheating angle, but the rest of the advice was pretty solid if the assumption was he wanted to stay anyway. *shrug*


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Acorn said:


> I dunno, obviously lamaga discounted the cheating angle, but the rest of the advice was pretty solid if the assumption was he wanted to stay anyway. *shrug*


This is just one person's opinion--so I completely acknowledge I may be wrong.

But it seems to me that if the chosen target for a relationship outside the marriage is a relative stranger over the Internet, that speaks of someone who is very hungry for validation--and possibly someone with low self-esteem. My guess there is nothing more than armchair psychology and not worth the paper it's written on. But it _is_ based on the many threads I've read where people seek strangers to cheat with.

I have little doubt that her "wants" weren't being met. The question is, how reasonable were these wants. Did they amount to core needs that the average married person would consider reasonable? We really don't know. We have a couple of sentences to go on. But the poor guy got _slammed_ because _HE_ admitted in his own words that his wife felt there were problems in the marriage.

How can anyone really be shocked that he's left the building after that?

Again, I'm speaking from the perspective of someone who will own up to 80% of the problems in our marriage that made it vulnerable to my husband's 100% choice to cheat. I'm not "it's never your fault" ra-ra-sis-boom-ba for betrayed spouses.

I think that's what is getting my goat. If I had come for advice here, I probably would be gone too. Instead I'm here to say that you can come back from something like this and have a marriage that's better than ever. It won't happen for everyone, but it is possible.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> The irony of this post.
> 
> I think I will stop responding to lamaga posts.



+1 

She has lost her credibility IMO. The irony of calling someone else illogical is amusing.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I don't know. I feel bad. She is one of the forum regulars and usually is spot on with many of her posts. But she seems to pissed with men these days. Maybe she wants to balance out CWI misogyny.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Something has changed. She's had some great posts but in the last two days she's telling the guys its their fault that their women are in EA's or PA's. I understand her point to a degree but don't agree with her advice.


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