# Confused and don't know what to do.



## llake31 (Mar 29, 2008)

Hi, I am new here. I really need to talk and could use some advice. and I am sorry, this is probably going to be pretty long. My husband and I have been together 14 yrs (married 7) and have always been up and down. I am not happy. I cannot decide if I should leave or try to "fix things."
There are a lot of issues and a lot of great things about our relationship. The main thing is we have no communication. Whenever I try to talk to him about serious issues like finances, our relationship or our lifestyle. He closes off, I get ignored and treated like I annoy him, not like I am his wife. We can never make decisions together, when HE makes a decision I go with it and think " This is great, this is what we are going to do!" (ex: like moving to another town, or a bigger house, or even going on a trip.) Always, hours or days later he has changed his mind and he does not want to do it anymore. I can NEVER plan anything as a family because he does not want to do anything. But if I do things alone with my kids then he gets mad that he was not included and it's not really fun as a family without him being a part of it anyway. I feel our family is held back because of him. We do not have the same interests in doing anything like going out, we do not have the same tastes in material things. 

On the flip side, he is a great father, he is very intimate with me (sexually and non), sex is always great, we still call each other our pet names for each other and he even goes out of his way just out of the blue on occasion to surprise me with flowers just to let me know that he is thinking about me. I know he loves me with all of his heart, and I love him with all of my heart. but ...and I know this is very wrong, but I find myself looking elsewhere for what I am missing. I have hurt him in the past and am now finding myself on the path of doing it again. but I cannot continue to do so. It hurts me so much to hurt him. I have tried to leave him before and our emotions get so bad I cannot stand to see his pain and go through the pain myself. He knows he has an emotional hold on me and he knows how to use it. I had a talk with a girl friend last night and realized that what I am looking elsewhere for is the real connection with someone, real intelligent conversation and someone who has the same interests in life as I do. My friend says I need to think about myself but to me I think "Doesn't that sound selfish?" She says that no one can tell me what to do in this situation, only I can decide what to do. I know that, but I am really torn about this. When I mention anything to my husband about us getting help for our relationship like counseling, He just says that it is me that has the problem and marriage counseling is not going to fix *my *problem. So he won't even consider it. He is not ever going to change, I read online somewhere that people change on their own when they are ready for change, but if him not changing now is what is causing my unhappiness then how long do I keep waiting for when he is ready. I am always crying, I really don't know what to do.


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## Tootles (Mar 29, 2008)

Hi there, please go to this website, maybe that could help you as well: Marriage Counseling. What this guy is saying about HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU MARRIED THE RIGHT PERSON? THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.


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## llake31 (Mar 29, 2008)

I have found that website before, and actually he is emailing me " 7 secrets to fixing your marriage", that is where I read about people changing on their own when they are ready. I have been thinking about purchasing his audio. Maybe this is a sign that this guy is the way for me to go. Thank you.


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## Tootles (Mar 29, 2008)

llake31 said:


> I have found that website before, and actually he is emailing me " 7 secrets to fixing your marriage", that is where I read about people changing on their own when they are ready. I have been thinking about purchasing his audio. Maybe this is a sign that this guy is the way for me to go. Thank you.


That's cool.......maybe it is a sign...who knows?! :scratchhead: I've subscribed earlier so will be receiving the emails soon... Can't wait!

So how are you feeling now?


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## llake31 (Mar 29, 2008)

Still confused or I probably wouldn't be here. I will just have to wait to see what his audio has to say.


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## llake31 (Mar 29, 2008)

Guess I'm looking for different views on my situation.


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## Tootles (Mar 29, 2008)

Good luck!


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## llake31 (Mar 29, 2008)

Thank you.


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## nangie29 (Mar 28, 2008)

I would sit down and try to get him to communicate with you. Ask him how important you are to him and if he is willing to compromise with you to keep you in his life. If he still seems uninterested in talking about things I would move on. It seems if he is willing to compromise about financial and household decisions that you are essentially still in love and want to stay together. Sometimes you just have to give an ultimatum to get an answer. I also would not entertain any ideas outside of my marriage until it is over. Good Luck!


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## llake31 (Mar 29, 2008)

I will try talking with him again, not sure if it will help, but it is always worth the try when I know we are still in love with each other and for the sake that we have kids together. Thank you.


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