# Tables turned



## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

After 11 weeks with no sex, my LDH finally tried to initiate last night. The circumstances were that we'd been out to see a band with friends and had a great night. I'd spent the night dancing while the band played and the guitarist came to talk to me at the end of the gig and gave me his card. My husband had half a bottle of whiskey before we even went out and proceeded to get more drunk while we were out. We then invited our friends home with us (two other couples) and spent a couple of hours chatting and listening to music. I got on well with the two women friends, but my husband had a bit of a heated political debate with the two husbands. I think all of our friends were shocked to see the amount my H had to drink and also quite shocked at how much he was swearing and how loud he can get. However, the evening did go okay and the debate did not degenerate into anything nasty at all.

We eventually go to bed at just before 4 am and my husband's initiation technique was to stroke my back a couple of times. I just told him to go to sleep as I was tired. This is the first time I have ever turned him down (he's so LD that I'm usually desperate for sex and don't turn him down). We've had sex once in the past 4 months and that was 10 weeks ago. I turned him down because he had not bathed in 9 days and had drunk nearly a whole bottle of whiskey and I felt that crappy drunken sex without any seduction of foreplay was just not worth the effort.

Basically, although I've been pretty desperate to have sex for quite some time now, I have absolutely no desire left any more for my H. LD spouses out there, please be aware that eventually, the wanting just goes away. I do still want sex, but I really don't want my H.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Frankly, why would you even go out with an unwashed person? 

Really doobie, your boundaries are astonishing.

"We have plans tonight with so and so but I see you haven't washed. I'll make the apologies for you because I sure as hell am not going to be seen with a smelly man. Don't wait up!"


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

you did the right thing.

maybe he'll get it, but i doubt it (hoping he will though).


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Yikes! Do the friends react to the smell? They still want to hang out with you and stinky H?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

9 days without a bath or shower?! 

OP, that's just gross!

I don't care if he was an HD Adonis, I would have turned him down for sex too. I bet he smelled REALLY rank the morning after drinking a bottle of whiskey and no bathing in 9 (now 10) days.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

As I recall, that's how he's always been. What's amazing to me is that you could have ever had sex with him --- not surprising you've finally lost the desire to.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Nine days? 

No way. You're kidding right?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Unfortunately, she's not kidding. Nine days may or may not be his record for not bathing but for sure it's his pattern.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

People who don't bathe every day wouldn't notice the odor even if they grew their anus beside their nose.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Doozie, is your husband European? German? I remember years ago working with a man from Germany who did not bath often (supposedly it was just his cultural upbringing). HR and/or his supervisors had to hold meetings with him more than once to get him to bath more often because of the complaints.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

9 days?! Omg. I wouldn't even walk out the door with someone like that. How do you stand living in the same house with someone that doesn't clean on a daily basis?

That's just so nasty. I'm utterly shocked a the amount of people who just don't care enough to shower. My H had to tell several airmen to take a shower throughout his career because the smell was bothering other members. I just don't see how you can be in the same house.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

I had a boyfriend once who's father had severe anxiety issues/BPD/OCD the list goes on. Anyway bf and I went to his flat one day to visit him and when I walked in I almost retched from the smell. He admitted he had not showered for a week.... 7 days... that smell is still burnt into my nostrils almost 10 years later.
From what I have read of your husband, I just don't understand how a rational person could remain married to someone like him. You would be doing yourself a great service to move on.
Gross.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Nine days?
> 
> No way. You're kidding right?


No, not kidding - he recently went almost 3 weeks without bathing and I ended up losing my rag and telling him he smelled like a homeless person before he bathed. However, he expects me to insist that he bathes each time which I'm just not willing to do any more - he's my husband, not my teenage son and he needs to take responsibility for his own personal hygiene. When we go out, he douses himself liberally with aftershave, so other people don't really notice the smell. There is also the fact that most people are too polite to tell somebody they smell awful, assuming that the person has a problem and struggles with body odor issues and that they are doing all they can to control it.

Quite frankly, I'm pretty much beyond caring - this past year with him has brought my marriage to the brink. It's now all over apart from the paperwork - I don't take my marriage seriously anymore because he's managed to ensure that it's not a proper marriage.

Of course, I do have to take responsibility for my own part in this, I've allowed this to go too far until my marriage is beyond help. However, I have had several talks with him about his personal hygiene, our sex life, etc. I've pleaded with him and begged him and each time, he burst into tears and promised that things would change. However, once he'd got me off his back (I find the tears really difficult to deal with - I have to be in despair to shed tears and feel awful when I cause somebody to cry), he would make an effort for a day or two and then things would just slide back. Maybe I should have been constantly on his case, continuously nagging to make sure he behaved in the way I wanted. But, that's just not me - I don't enjoy being the policeman in the relationship all the time - I control and take care of the way in which I behave and feel uncomfortable trying to control the way another adult behaves. I just think if he wanted the marriage to work, he would have put in the effort. he has spent 5 whole days this week sat in front of the TV (I hate TV and didn't have one in the house before meeting him and he knows how I feel that constant TV just saps the soul) despite the fact that he bought new fencing to install on Monday and it's still waiting to be erected. The dog is being kept indoors until the fence is in place. I let him get a rescue dog 6 months ago on the understanding that this would get him out walking every day which would improve his health. The dog has now not been walked for more that 6 weeks. Every time I say we should find a new home for the dog as it's not fair to keep him without a proper fence to contain him on our property or without having daily walks, H bursts into tears and begs for one more chance with the dog. I really am at the end of the road - I've totally given up on my marriage and am biding my time until we can find some way of getting my H and all his possessions back to our country of origin.


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## 1971 (Mar 7, 2013)

Do you think he might be very depressed ?

Sorry I don't know your background 

.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

As I recall, you're English and living in Greece. I can't remember if your husband is English as well. A cheap flight for him and a slow boat for his possessions wouldn't be too much money, I wouldn't think? Save every penny to make that happen. If you're paying for his whiskey, make him pay for it or let him go without. 

You allow him to manipulate you with tears and he knows it works. You may not have wanted another child to support but that's what you have. 

Oh -- and find the dog a new home. He's not going to take care of it and the dog deserves a better life.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Real men only bathe twice a year.

Real stinky men.

How long you gonna stick it out OP?

I have not checked. Do you have kids?

If not, maybe you should just run into a hot blooded man and live fulfilled?


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Doobie - I get why you've given up on him but, that lack of personal hygiene, aren't you worried about getting a UTI from your once in a blue moon intimacies?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> Doobie - I get why you've given up on him but, that lack of personal hygiene, aren't you worried about getting a UTI from your once in a blue moon intimacies?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The once in a blue moon is well and truly over, I can't imagine engaging in sex with him again, I find the idea distasteful. And, despite feeling sad over the failure of my marriage, I also feel relief. I feel set free over the past couple of weeks and as if I've already begun a new phase of life, feeling quite hopeful about the future because I've let go emotionally.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Good! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Why get a dog for a man who can barely take care of himself? Now, you guys have a man that smells bad, and if the dog isn't well groomed - ugh, I'm sorry, but I would move the hell out. 

I mean, other people CAN smell it. If you're living in a house with a person that doesn't shower for weeks and you have a pet that doesn't get groomed properly and frequently, that smell does transfer to you - you probably just can't notice it. 

Consider: He and the dog sit on the sofa, the smell sinks into the fabric, you sit on the sofa after him at some point, the smell transfers to your clothes, you leave the house to go somewhere - still with a hint of that dirty smell on you - people are going to think you're the one not taking a shower. 

If you have carpet...that smell sinks into the carpet. If you sleep in the same bed....the smell goes into the sheets and mattress - it all transfers on to your skin and hair. 

I'm sorry for your situation. You're a lot stronger than I am because there is just no way I would stay living in a house with someone like that.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

You and Mr. Doobie both need a wake up call.

You're financially in not so good shape in a country that in itself is not so good shape. Your marriage is not in very good shape either. 

You're trying to treat symptoms where all you need is a single talk. 

Where do we go from here?

So before you can extricate yourself from there think how and why you got there. Start unraveling the major decisions and see if you're getting the benefits you thought you would get. It does not sound you are.

At this age unless you have a lot of money stashed somewhere you need to be thinking longer term. Me. Doobie could be smelling like a soap commercial but you got bigger fish to fry.

I will admit I am a bit (a bit?) paranoid about the future. I could retire and return to my birth country in Europe. But surprise, my country's sort of nationalized health care will not cover me. I haven't worked there in 35 years. I have a nice apartment which needs serious renovation ($50k min) and a dacha in the mountains away from drones and curious eyes . Who cares.

If the finances are not lined up right and you're heading for your retirement years you need to figure out what to do. This is not the time to think about anything else. Finances then health then fun then love then etcetera.

Write out a few scenarios from where you are and work out the numbers. If it means returning to Liverpool from Corfu so be it... 

Playing expat is no fun. Believe me.


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