# Ex spouse and their former stepkids...



## nowimstronger (Feb 6, 2014)

Posted my story here a while ago...it was removed, sure I did something wrong because that's the story of my life...anyway, here's my question. Does anyone else have an ex husband/wife who treats your bio child, their former stepchild, like crap now that you're divorced? My ex is the only dad she's know since she was 6 months old (she's now 7)...The way he treated her was one of the MAIN reasons I married him...now when we bicker and argue about EVERYTHING his surefire way to piss me off is to say something about her. We recently argued because he feels its my responsibility to secure childcare for him to drop the kids off the morning after he has them overnight...that turned in to his request for me to still pay the child care fees when he has them for half of the summer or he'll take me to court to have the cs lowered during that time. (He only pays 365 per month for the 2 kids that are his) when i refused he tells me he isn't taking my oldest for the summer because he won't be able to afford to pay his bills, child support and daycare for 3...like I did for the 5 months before we got a court order for cs...He's trying to hurt me, and hes succeeding only because I know it's going to hurt her. He thinks I'm only mad because I won't have "my freedom like I thought I would" but that's not it at all. I told him he didn't have to take her I'd spend quality time with her like I haven't gotten to do since the twins were born...of course that turned into another argument about how I've always "favortised" her (not a word...I know) which is another lie. I'm just lost I guess. I can't understand how a man who's been there her entire life can treat her like scum all because our marriage ended...I could never do that to a child. He even went so far as to call the cops on me all because I was late dropping the kids off for his weekend even though he KNEW it was because we were at my oldest daughters kindergarten graduation...The texts I got during the ceremony were enough to make me think I was going to be arrested for assault once I was face to face with him again. I'm at my wits end! Will he EVER grow up? Or will his name remain 'Peter Pan' in my contacts forever?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

There's one thing I learned over the years here on TAM, you need to take control of your feelings. He still has you playing second fiddle.
When another person (or ex hubby) pisses you off, you're allowing them to control you.
You need to take that control back. From what you posted, I'd say your ex is a complete A=hole.

One thing that doesn't make sense: why is he not also paying child support for you 7 yr old? I don't know where you live, but many states & courts would make him pony up for the 7 yr old because he IS the only father she's known and he already established a relationship with her.
So she must continue living the same way. Be sure to bring this up at your custody hearing. Or file a motion to have him pay child support for her.

What I'm confused about is your custody. Please post the specifics on that (example: one day on, one day off)


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

nowimstronger said:


> Posted my story here a while ago...it was removed, sure I did something wrong because that's the story of my life...anyway, here's my question. Does anyone else have an ex husband/wife who treats your bio child, their former stepchild, like crap now that you're divorced? My ex is the only dad she's know since she was 6 months old (she's now 7)...The way he treated her was one of the MAIN reasons I married him...now when we bicker and argue about EVERYTHING his surefire way to piss me off is to say something about her. We recently argued because he feels its my responsibility to secure childcare for him to drop the kids off the morning after he has them overnight...that turned in to his request for me to still pay the child care fees when he has them for half of the summer or he'll take me to court to have the cs lowered during that time. (He only pays 365 per month for the 2 kids that are his) when i refused he tells me he isn't taking my oldest for the summer because he won't be able to afford to pay his bills, child support and daycare for 3...like I did for the 5 months before we got a court order for cs...He's trying to hurt me, and hes succeeding only because I know it's going to hurt her. He thinks I'm only mad because I won't have "my freedom like I thought I would" but that's not it at all. I told him he didn't have to take her I'd spend quality time with her like I haven't gotten to do since the twins were born...of course that turned into another argument about how I've always "favortised" her (not a word...I know) which is another lie. I'm just lost I guess. I can't understand how a man who's been there her entire life can treat her like scum all because our marriage ended...I could never do that to a child. He even went so far as to call the cops on me all because I was late dropping the kids off for his weekend even though he KNEW it was because we were at my oldest daughters kindergarten graduation...The texts I got during the ceremony were enough to make me think I was going to be arrested for assault once I was face to face with him again. I'm at my wits end! Will he EVER grow up? Or will his name remain 'Peter Pan' in my contacts forever?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


First off, stop being a victim. "...story of my life..." 

You are engaging with him. He is playing you because he gets a reaction out of you. STOP IT. Reply to pertinent parts only, be factual and polite. "Sorry, it looks like the graduation ceremony is running late. I should be able to make it by __ o'clock. If anything changes, I'll let you know ASAP." And then NOTHING. Not if there are threats, not if there are insults. Custody is a civil, not criminal matter. He cannot have you arrested for not showing up, much less show up late. He can call them, but if you arrive and simply tell the officers that you sent him a message, (show them your phone if they ask) it was unavoidable and he's making a mountain out of a mole hill, he will look like an idiot. They'll tell him there's nothing they can do and to calm down.

You say he treats the D like crap. Does he play favorites when all the kids are together? 

As to you providing care after he drops them off, he's right. His parenting time ENDS. Now it's YOUR parenting time. Therefore you have to provide care. By 'half the summer' - does that mean alternating weeks? Research daycares that will accept such a schedule. Does he have to use childcare? How does he have them half the summer? The schedule would help immensely here.

Most child care doesn't give you an option to only pay for the days you use. They have to guarantee spots for their staff and comply with laws regarding child/caregiver ratios which would be really difficult if it constantly changed. But if you could guarantee a certain schedule, they might be more flexible and perhaps you can reach an agreement. 

He is obligated to pay a certain amount - I presume you have an order in place? If so, he just can't not pay. However, if he has them that many overnights, it will impact support.





KittyKat said:


> One thing that doesn't make sense: why is he not also paying child support for you 7 yr old? I don't know where you live, but many states & courts would make him pony up for the 7 yr old because he IS the only father she's known and he already established a relationship with her.
> So she must continue living the same way. Be sure to bring this up at your custody hearing. Or file a motion to have him pay child support for her.


Oh hell no. That isn't right. (Not that it isn't necessarily factual, I just disagree with the concept.) If a man didn't father a child, being a father "figure" shouldn't rope him into paying for a child that isn't his. I hope no states do that. She should know who the child's father is and THAT man, whether he's involved or not, and should be the one to help support the child. If he's unable/unemployed/incarcerated, well that's the consequence of life choices. Money just has to stretch a bit further.

I agree they need to stop the bickering. It's not productive, fosters a bad relationship and let's him retain control over her emotions.


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