# Help Understanding a "Private" Person



## TigerLake (Jul 28, 2019)

*Engaged*

Hello. I'm new. I'm engaged and looking for some advice.


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## TigerLake (Jul 28, 2019)

Hello. I'd like help understanding what some people mean when they say they are a private person in and out of a relationship. I lean more towards being an oversharer and my partner is very private about his thoughts and feelings. 

This weekend we went camping together. I grew up camping and I'm pretty used to campgrounds, being around other campers and sometimes being next to annoying campers. This was my partner's second time camping in his life. We had a pretty private spot, surrounded by trees. But my partner mentioned he would prefer even more privacy. I asked why and he said he is just a private person. 

Since I'm pretty much the opposite of a private person, I've always found it hard to understand people who say they just like to be private, especially when they are also a private person in a relationship. We are both introverts so this privacy thing isn't related to introversion.

Does anyone here describe themselves as a private person? What does that mean to you? I want to understand this type of personality. My first reaction is to equate it with being a secretive person and it being a bad thing for a relationship, but I'm sure that's not true. 

I think I'm just so opposite of a private person that I really don't understand why people like to be private. I want to understand this though. I want to understand this part of my partner's personality better. I want to be considerate and also know where there should be boundaries between being a private person and keep unhealthy secrets. 

So please, if you consider yourself a private person, comment and let me know how you would explain that to someone who has a very open type of personality.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I don't think most men are real open to share their thoughts and feelings, nor do they open up on subjects in connections to emotions and feelings. I think these are uncomfortable for most men. They can talk about their careers and their favorite sports team forever but the rest is "private" to them. My ex who I was married to for 24 years kept most everything to himself, he shared very little. I would ask him questions just to have a conversation. He was a true loner type, and I really think many men are happier solo, that just lived in his own bubble. Not sure if this is what is happening with your guy, if so, it is a lonely place to be with someone who cannot get close and cannot share their life with you.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Have you ever heard of or seen this site?

https://www.16personalities.com

Perhaps have both of you take it and see what discussions and understanding comes...


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*Re: Engaged*

You need advice?

Run like the wind. :grin2:


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## TigerLake (Jul 28, 2019)

We recently took this test. We are both in the Diplomat subcategory. He is the "protagonist" ENFJ-A and I am the "mediator" - INFP-T. I didn't really find any insight related to being a private person. It was interesting to read though.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Most people who work are typically around other people all day, or at least communicating with them to some degree. We deal with crowds at events, grocery stores, restaurants, traffic on the roads. Even our cell phones are intruded upon with relentless spam calls. We are bombarded with world and local news. Our planet is overcrowded. The world's population has DOUBLED since the year I was born, for example. People are rude. People are selfish. People are dishonest. People commit crimes. Many people are *******s.

It's nice to get away from all of this ******* people noise sometimes. I'd be right there with him in the sentiment that an even more private campsite would be awesome!!

Some people deliberately go out into the woods where there is likely to be NO ONE they will run into. Completely normal and recharging in this current world we live in.

I like the people in my office and enjoy them, but eventually I need to tune them out. Enough is enough with constant chatter and sharing.

Some people don't need constant constant constant connection and back and forth with others. Their energy is more like a self charging battery.



TigerLake said:


> Hello. I'd like help understanding what some people mean when they say they are a private person in and out of a relationship. I lean more towards being an oversharer and my partner is very private about his thoughts and feelings.
> 
> This weekend we went camping together. I grew up camping and I'm pretty used to campgrounds, being around other campers and sometimes being next to annoying campers. This was my partner's second time camping in his life. We had a pretty private spot, surrounded by trees. But my partner mentioned he would prefer even more privacy. I asked why and he said he is just a private person.
> 
> ...


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I have used this term about myself. 

When I say it, I am meaning I don’t go talk to everyone about my problems, worries, struggles, health stuff, financial stuff etc. I share those discussions with my husband and occasionally my parents. 

That is sufficient to me. I don’t need to tell everyone everything. There is plenty of other stuff to talk about without discussing things I view as being “private” with my friends. Most of my friends talk about ALL of that stuff, so I would say they are _not_ private people. 

As far as understanding your boyfriend and what he means when _he_ says it, “time” is the answer. How long have you been together? I’m guessing not a very long time. Over time you will understand him better, and what _he_ means by it.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

*Re: Engaged*

Welcome to TAM. Tell us about your situation so we can help.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

i agree with @Spicy. I don't discuss personal stuff unless someone needs to know. Illness, problems, lifestyles are not social topics to me. If I seek prayers for something (rare), I will ask, but not go into detail. I'm more of a listener than a talker. Quiet and reflection are ways I value, but I can be outgoing in the needed circumstances.

I have an acquaintance who will call me to relay messages to a bunch of friends, but she will call them and discuss with them too. This is her way of dealing with life situations. Neither of us is right or wrong, but we are comfortable with different communication styles.

To me, sometimes there is a fine line between gossip and spreading important information. But, your description seems to focus on social gatherings? Lifestyle stuff changes with degree of intimacy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is a book that explains at least part of the issue that you describe. Part of the issue is what people here are talking about... most men do not talk much about their emotions. 

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

It has been my experience that it is more a "know your audience" before anything private is shared... I can sit down with veterans and be very relaxed about things I could and would never share with others easily.

Since this was only his second time camping perhaps give him room to become familiar and learn this environment.

Privacy can often mean nothing more than "once I am comfortable, I'll relax and open up more".


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

TigerLake said:


> Does anyone here describe themselves as a private person? What does that mean to you? I want to understand this type of personality. My first reaction is to equate it with being a secretive person and it being a bad thing for a relationship, but I'm sure that's not true.
> 
> I think I'm just so opposite of a private person that I really don't understand why people like to be private. I want to understand this though. I want to understand this part of my partner's personality better. I want to be considerate and also know where there should be boundaries between being a private person and keep unhealthy secrets.


I feel the same as you, to equate it with secrecy, so I believe it actually is true. But I also see it as emotionally unavailable. I'm betting you're already feeling left out of his world a lot of times and not receiving the feedback or confirmation you often need because he doesn't let you in or share his world or his feelings with you under the guise of "I'm just a private person." If you do, I wouldn't suggest you set yourself up for never receiving what you need from him in this relationship, rather than doing flipflops to understand how he is. Some people are simply emotionally unavailable and whatever he calls it, he will always make sure to make you feel like you are not good enough. It's not about understanding how HE is and deciding to conform to that and how he wants to conduct the relationship. It's about understanding yourself and what YOU need from a relationship. Then you can recognize his shortcomings and that you can never be happy with his so-called privacy, and he's not the guy for you.

I mean seriously. He doesn't want to be near other people on a campground? You need to start looking at his red flags and see them for what they are, rather than nixing them off as just being "a private person." We women have a tendency to want a relationship so badly that we ignore the red flags until they become too hurtful and impossible to ignore. Look up emotionally unavailable men.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

If your here wondering about some possible red flags you are already noticing....save yourself the heart ache. Dump and run. Countless stories of ignored red flags around here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Engaged*

@TigerLake

I merged your two threads since you have been getting input on both threads. You will get better input with one thread.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I suggest you read up on introverts. I'd say more but I don't feel like it. lol


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Can you tell us more about your relationship? How long have you known each other? Some of these issues seem like things that you would have explored while you were dating.


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## TigerLake (Jul 28, 2019)

wilson said:


> Can you tell us more about your relationship? How long have you known each other? Some of these issues seem like things that you would have explored while you were dating.


We have been together for 2 years.

I don't know that I would describe his as emotionally unavailable. He has been very open with me, but he has said its something he works to do. It's not a natural part of his personality. He has told me that he learned from past relationships what happens if you are too private in a relationship and that he doesn't want that to happen. It's something he works on. 

I'm just so opposite of private that its hard for me to see things from the perspective of a person who highly values privacy. 

Is it a vulnerability issue? How does it make a private person feel to open up? Do you care a lot about what other people think? I really don't know. I like to know other people's perspective so I can relate to them more and be considerate. 

I mispoke earlier. I said we are both introverts, but I remembered his results from 16personalities. He tested as an extrovert and I tested as an introvert.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

TigerLake said:


> We have been together for 2 years.
> 
> I don't know that I would describe his as emotionally unavailable. He has been very open with me, but he has said its something he works to do. It's not a natural part of his personality. He has told me that he learned from past relationships what happens if you are too private in a relationship and that he doesn't want that to happen. It's something he works on.
> 
> ...


There’s a difference between being a private person and keeping secrets. 
Are you afraid he’s hiding something, afraid maybe of a bait and switch?


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## TigerLake (Jul 28, 2019)

I'm not afraid of a bait and switch. I know he hides some of negative feelings and thoughts. He journals them on his phone or computer and decides later if the feeling is strong enough to bring it up to me to talk about. Sometimes he doesn't share his negative feelings when he should. He has admitted to having problems in past relationships with that. 

We have different personalities when it comes to expressing feelings. I often think out loud and express my immediate reactions instead of writing them down, processing them, and waiting for my feelings to settle down. That has resulted in me saying things I didn't really mean and apologizing later.

He has told me that he likes to choose his words carefully and doesn't like voicing his immediate reactions when he gets angry. He likes to process his feelings and then say them. I say my feelings and then process them.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

TigerLake said:


> Hello. I'd like help understanding what some people mean when they say they are a private person in and out of a relationship. I lean more towards being an oversharer and my partner is very private about his thoughts and feelings.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I always thought that a ‘private person’ (who also keep going on about how private they are) is somebody who lives inside their own anus but I could be mistaken.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

In what other ways does he show a need for heightened privacy? Have any of these incidences created inconveniences?


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Sounds to me like he is a man and you are a woman. Know what I mean? Not trying to be funny or tell a cute joke either. That's just kinda how it is isn't it?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

It's interesting. I was like you until about 10ish years ago, and now I am more like your husband.

I have a longtime friend like your husband. She calls herself a private person. Only a select few people get her "inner self". But I tend to call her a deliberate person. She thinks through her words. She thinks through her answers. She processes before she expresses. Some of it is self-protective, and much of it is just being well-controlled, which honestly is a good thing.

I STRONGLY disagree with whoever implied your fiance is secretive. There is a HUGE difference between being secretive and being like my friend.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

If this is the worst problem y'all have, you will be lucky, IMO. There will be times for compromise and times for better communication. Enjoy this time in your life--neither is wrong, y'all are just different in your comfort zones.


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## TigerLake (Jul 28, 2019)

NextTimeAround said:


> In what other ways does he show a need for heightened privacy? Have any of these incidences created inconveniences?


I'm not sure what that means. One thing I saw that surprised me is his journal on his phone. His phone is already locked with his fingerprint but he has an additional pin lock on his journal app. 

But I do know that a previous girlfriend read his online journal and got extremely upset at him for an entry he made when they first started dating. He noted something like, she was the biggest woman he had dated so far and that she wasn't an active type of person. It was kind of a pro/con evaluation when he was considering whether to move forward with their relationship. He likes plump women but also likes someone who likes to be active, go out of the house, workout together, etc. They were together for six years and she brought up that comment a lot during that time during fights. 

I can see how reading that is hurtful, but again, should you be reading someone's private thoughts? Still, the double security on his phone journal seems excessive to me. I mean, his phone has a fingerprint lock, it's not like I can guess his password and then read his journal.

I do wonder what he writes about in regards to our relationship, but at the same time, do I want to know every passing thought he had good or bad? If I kept a journal, would I want him to read every single thought I've ever had about him? 

The double security on his journal initially makes me feel that he really wants to hide what he is thinking about our relationship as we plan our wedding. But, it can also be that he really wants to feel that his journal is kept private, especially considering his experience with his ex snooping and reading his private journal. 

This is kind of what I want to know from someone who is very private, what you think about this? Do you protect your privacy for privacy's sake, without it meaning you're hiding anything you shouldn't be hiding?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

TigerLake said:


> I can see how reading that is hurtful, but again, should you be reading someone's private thoughts?



The more pertinent question should perhaps be: should someone who considers themselves a ‘private person’ be publishing their personal private journal online?



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## TigerLake (Jul 28, 2019)

InMyPrime said:


> The more pertinent question should perhaps be: should someone who considers themselves a ‘private person’ be publishing their personal private journal online?
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I don't remember what type of online journal it was. I know it was not something published for others to read. This would have been 8-9 years ago.

His ex got on his laptop and found his journal and then read it.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

*Help Understanding a &quot;Private&quot; Person*



TigerLake said:


> I do wonder what he writes about in regards to our relationship, but at the same time, do I want to know every passing thought he had good or bad? If I kept a journal, would I want him to read every single thought I've ever had about him?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Ok so you want to find out whether he writes anything negative about you and your relationship in his very private and personal journal? And I thought you got all of this from him not wanting other people watch him doing number2 outside his tent...Instead it’s about you and his diary... 
Going by the history, I guess if you are somewhat overweight and active then you have nothing to worry about...

Do you even know him? Maybe wait with the wedding until you get to know him better so you don’t have some of those insecurities (and acquire others instead). He sounds a bit self-important...I am still going with living in the anus thing...(anal-retentive, is the clinical term but this is just judging from your descriptions: he may be a lovely man).




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## TigerLake (Jul 28, 2019)

personofinterest said:


> It's interesting. I was like you until about 10ish years ago, and now I am more like your husband.
> 
> I have a longtime friend like your husband. She calls herself a private person. Only a select few people get her "inner self". But I tend to call her a deliberate person. She thinks through her words. She thinks through her answers. She processes before she expresses. Some of it is self-protective, and much of it is just being well-controlled, which honestly is a good thing.
> 
> I STRONGLY disagree with whoever implied your fiance is secretive. There is a HUGE difference between being secretive and being like my friend.


I would describe him exactly like you just said. He talks very deliberately. He never talks fast and often has quite the pause before talking.


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## TigerLake (Jul 28, 2019)

*Re: Help Understanding a &quot;Private&quot; Person*



InMyPrime said:


> Ok so you want to find out whether he writes anything negative about you and your relationship in his very private and personal journal? And I thought you got all of this from him not wanting other people watch him doing number2 outside his tent...Instead it’s about you and his diary...
> Going by the history, I guess if you are somewhat overweight and active then you have nothing to worry about...
> 
> Do you even know him? Maybe wait with the wedding until you get to know him better so you don’t have some of those insecurities (and acquire others instead). He sounds a bit self-important...I am still going with living in the anus thing...(anal-retentive, is the clinical term but this is just judging from your descriptions: he may be a lovely man).
> ...


I don't think you've been reading this thread....


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

TigerLake said:


> I would describe him exactly like you just said. He talks very deliberately. He never talks fast and often has quite the pause before talking.



Does he also put his glasses in his mouth while he pauses?....sorry, I just have this spitting image....


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## TigerLake (Jul 28, 2019)

InMyPrime said:


> Does he also put his glasses in his mouth while he pauses?....sorry, I just have this spitting image....
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


No glasses, so no...


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

TigerLake said:


> No glasses, so no...



....(big pause) well, this changes everything.

I stand by my comment that you would do well to get to know him better before you marry him so you don’t have to ask strangers on the internet what ‘private’ means.

It means different things to everyone.


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## TigerLake (Jul 28, 2019)

InMyPrime said:


> ....(big pause) well, this changes everything.
> 
> I stand by my comment that you would do well to get to know him better before you marry him so you don’t have to ask strangers on the internet what ‘private’ means.
> 
> ...


OK...


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

It seems to me like you have a good man. Take him back country camping, I think he’ll prefer that. 

Kudos for trying to learn his ways.


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## TigerLake (Jul 28, 2019)

OnTheFly said:


> It seems to me like you have a good man. Take him back country camping, I think he’ll prefer that.
> 
> Kudos for trying to learn his ways.


We will go eventually. Since he had never done "campground" camping, I thought that would be a good place to start before taking on backpacking and primitive camping. 

Based on our two camping experiences together, it seems like he'd be just fine taking things up a few notches.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I applaud you for wanting to understand him more. Have you set a date for the wedding yet? Does you and your fiancée have compatible sex drives? The reason I ask is I've read many a sad story here about couples who are mismatched sexually. 

I'm a private person when it comes to many aspects of my life. Granted, folks on TAM know parts of my story, but there's a great deal I don't wish to discuss. My husband was a quiet man who didn't easily share his feelings. It seemed he internalized so much. I wasn't big on pithy discussions myself, but when our marriage was being destroyed by his alcoholism, he simply retreated into his shell and the bottle.

Your problem certainly doesn't sound as serious as that, but do you find yourself sometimes getting frustrated with an introvert?


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

So the two of you are different and want to understand each other. How refreshing to read.

Most of us desire some amount of privacy, but that amount varies a lot. I'm not sure how much more there is to understand or how much you ought to read into it.

Maybe he doesn't really know why that movie bugs him. Maybe he knows why he likes talking to your cousin, but doesn't think you'll find the reason interesting. Maybe he's uncomfortable telling you why he's attracted to women like you.

You don't want to pressure him to "open up" too much, that could be counterproductive. But when he does share something, show some interest and be positive. 

As for personality inventories like Meyers-Briggs, they aren't exactly witchcraft but neither are they part of mainstream psychiatry. I was subjected to one at work a long time ago and thought it was useless.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

TigerLake said:


> We will go eventually. Since he had never done "campground" camping, I thought that would be a good place to start before taking on backpacking and primitive camping.
> 
> Based on our two camping experiences together, it seems like he'd be just fine taking things up a few notches.


Wise to be incremental. A really bad camping trip can convince them it just isn't for them.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

StarFires said:


> I feel the same as you, to equate it with secrecy, so I believe it actually is true. But I also see it as emotionally unavailable. I'm betting you're already feeling left out of his world a lot of times and not receiving the feedback or confirmation you often need because he doesn't let you in or share his world or his feelings with you under the guise of "I'm just a private person." If you do, I wouldn't suggest you set yourself up for never receiving what you need from him in this relationship, rather than doing flipflops to understand how he is. Some people are simply emotionally unavailable and whatever he calls it, he will always make sure to make you feel like you are not good enough. It's not about understanding how HE is and deciding to conform to that and how he wants to conduct the relationship. It's about understanding yourself and what YOU need from a relationship. Then you can recognize his shortcomings and that you can never be happy with his so-called privacy, and he's not the guy for you.


Maybe he intentionally withholds stuff as a control tactic, or maybe what seems like a natural amount of privacy to him is different. If you're going to assume the worst about people, relationships aren't likely to work for you. If you're unwilling to put effort into improving communication, same outcome. She may ultimately decide he is emotionally unavailable, and if so should probably move on. But that seems premature.


> I mean seriously. He doesn't want to be near other people on a campground? You need to start looking at his red flags and see them for what they are, rather than nixing them off as just being "a private person." We women have a tendency to want a relationship so badly that we ignore the red flags until they become too hurtful and impossible to ignore. Look up emotionally unavailable men.


He calmly mentioned he would prefer more privacy, that is hardly pathological.


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## TigerLake (Jul 28, 2019)

Part of what made me curious about what people mean when they say they are a private person is because of what happened when were camping. 

He said he prefers more privacy, for camping to be a more mediative place and not somewhere he can hear air conditioners running on campers. 

Then we were walking around and a bunch of guys were playing ball and warmly invited us to join in. My fiance is a big people person so he lit up and we joined in. He was laughing and having fun. 

I'm the introvert. I get exhausted being around people and I can be socially awkward at times. Joining a game with a bunch of strangers is a push for me, but natural for him to do. He is always pushing me to be a bit more social with strangers, practice networking and starting up conversations. 

Now, if ever there were a place I would feel the most comfortable improving my social skills, it would be around other campers and backpackers, who I can relate to easily. I grew up in this scene and I have great memories camping. 

I was just confused with him saying he wants more privacy and seclusion from people, but a couple of hours later joining a game with other campers. I don't have a huge need for privacy when camping, I'm used to how camping works and I'm comfortable with it. I guess I think of private people as introverted people and open people as extroverted. 

This weekend made me realize that both he and I are examples that is incorrect. 

When I don't understand something, I seek out more information until I feel like I understand it. Especially if its about me understanding my fiance. Because he is extroverted, his comment about privacy really took me by surprise. 

I guess it could be a comfort thing. Maybe he wants to always appear confident and since he is not confident with camping yet, he doesn't want witnesses to his potential mishaps as he learns.


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## TigerLake (Jul 28, 2019)

Prodigal said:


> I applaud you for wanting to understand him more. Have you set a date for the wedding yet? Does you and your fiancée have compatible sex drives? The reason I ask is I've read many a sad story here about couples who are mismatched sexually.


I don't think we have compatible sex drives. I have a much higher drive than he does. He's also 8 years older than me though. We are both really busy and have tight schedules with work and both of us having shared custody of our kids with our exes. He is also a reservist who travels 4+ hours to base one weekend a month, two weeks a year. We've managed to rearrange our schedules so that now we have one weekend a month and two weeknights a month where we get to be kid-free. 

Despite having a higher sex drive, I'm not sexually frustrated. Sex is a low priority for me even if its on my mind every day. Sex has been on my mind nearly every day since I was 11 years old. So having sex on the brain without having sex is normal for me. 

I've heard the stories of mismatched sex drives, but its not as simplistic as high drive versus low drive equals problems. We have a greater level of control over what we let bother us than we usually give ourselves credit for. If I'm really bothered that I don't have sex nearly as often as I think about it, then I'd have to think there isn't much else besides sex that I take pleasure in from the relationship. 

You can't have everything you want in a relationship. At least not when most of us expect to find our true love in the same city we live in. There are only so many options. There will be compromise.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

TigerLake said:


> I don't think we have compatible sex drives. I have a much higher drive than he does. He's also 8 years older than me though. We are both really busy and have tight schedules with work and both of us having shared custody of our kids with our exes. He is also a reservist who travels 4+ hours to base one weekend a month, two weeks a year. We've managed to rearrange our schedules so that now we have one weekend a month and two weeknights a month where we get to be kid-free.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



It may be a low priority now but end up being a huge frustration later. (Which happens 99% of the time I’m afraid).

Anyway, I don’t want to pick holes of what might be wrong: on the face of it, I feel you are reading too much into his comment about privacy. I would like ‘privacy’ too and prefer wild camping for this reason and would hate a camp ground. I don’t like living in cities and prefer country side. I don’t like people so much and prefer seclusion or family around me. But again, everyone means something else by ‘privacy’.

I was more struck by the fact that you seem to find it hard to read him and question things that would seem normal or obvious, if only you knew him better. Stuff that within a close relationship people find normal, you seem to find odd. I found this a little odd.
There’s nothing wrong with being a ‘private person’. It just depends what he means by it. Or why he says it in a fairly straightforward context, almost in a defensive manner to you.
Almost like: ‘stop questioning everything I do, I am private!’

How long have you been together?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Not wanting to be next to others when camping the first couple times seems normal especially if so far in his mind "camping" is anticipated to be "alone camping in the woods".

Which unless changes in views, more experienced in "public campgrounds" that have power and restrooms and is only "semi-rough" is some folks original view. Normal. 

Social camping is different, you expect to have "neighbors".

Being private isn't the same as being secretive and unless he says it every day in different topic discussions, as a defense mechanism chanism, isn't an automatic bad thing.

If he repeatedly says it to you about things in a strictly you two conversation it would then be an issue. 

Up to you on reading the whole situation. 

Best of luck!


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

You said you want to know about the mindset of a private person, I'll give you mine. 

There's nothing that can be gained by discussing feelings. You feel things, you contemplate them internally, then you move on. Allow yourself to feel them, but what is gained by talking about them? Some people, it makes them feel better to unload. Some of us see it as placing a burden on another. That's how I see it. Everyone has their issues they deal with. My own issues are for me to carry alone. If I want to examine my feelings, I will do it alone when I'm ready to. 

I've opened up a bit here, but it took me a while to get to where I was ready. I also regret it fully. Seems selfish when there are others who are suffering way worse than I am. So my own struggles aren't worth wasting anyone's time over. Other people need help far more than I do. 

Back to it being pointless, there's no action plan others can give you for your feelings. They just happen. You deal with it the best you can and that's all that can be done. Unloading on someone won't fix anything. It won't fix how you feel. Well, it doesn't for me. 

Sort of like Jung's shadow self. You will never truly know another's shadow. So you will never truly know how and why a person feels what they feel, acts how they act, thinks what they think. It's always a struggle within. I think its meant to be that way. So opening up seems pointless. You can only be so naked to another. There's always going to be layers of clothing covering parts of ourselves.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

TigerLake said:


> Is it a vulnerability issue? How does it make a private person feel to open up?


Speaking for myself only, yes, it does make me feel vulnerable. I feel like once I've revealed my true feelings that person now has something over on me. It's not that I have secrets to hide it's that I don't want that person to have any type of power over me. When I write it out, it sounds really stupid but I can't help but feel that way. 

I am just now starting to tell people I'm divorcing my husband. Everyone is SHOCKED because I never opened up to anyone about the problems in my marriage. They all keep saying they thought we were the perfect couple. 

As for wanting privacy at a camping ground, I feel the same way. I don't like feeling like a stranger can see everything I'm doing all day. I want to enjoy myself without feeling watched. I'm not doing anything bad, just cooking, reading, playing cards with my family, etc. I just want to do that without anyone watching me.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

I would definately say I'm a private person. Probably had some to do with how I was raised. I was an only child, so I'm sure that contributed, however my cousin is an only child and he is a huge extrovert. My parents never really showed affection to one another and were very conservative, so I have a very hard time with PDA or sharing my emotions with anyone. So I've never really had close friends since childhood.

One of the worst times of my life when my marriage ended after ex-
W's affair, I didn't even tell my parents why. The only people that know were my divorce lawyer and my current wife. When she told her friends and family, I wasn't too happy. But she is has strong emotional connections with people that I lack. I just feel more comfortable alone. Honestly, Im not sure how I feel half the time. I have to think it over, roll it around in my mind, weigh it and then consider whether it deserves any emotion. Its exhausting. I think its more of a nature than a nurture thing.

People think I'm secretive too. Not because Im hiding anything bad, I just prefer to keep to myself.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

I have a question, does he enjoy talking about yours and other people's feelings? I know I do. 

I also relate a lot to music I think because of this. The writer is expressing their emotions and behaviors, which can cause me to think of my own. I enjoy deep discussions. This will usually draw me out of my shell pretty easily. Now there's a topic for me to go into it about. Talking about my own emotions is a means of helping others instead of asking for help. That's probably the biggest part. I have an incredibly hard time asking others for help.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I feel like you two will not be compatible in the long run. If you are really that outgoing and open, then his personality is eventually going to drive you crazy. I dont feel there is anything wrong with how or who he is, I just think it isnt a good match for you in particular. Look how concerning it already is for you.


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## TigerLake (Jul 28, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> I feel like you two will not be compatible in the long run. If you are really that outgoing and open, then his personality is eventually going to drive you crazy. I dont feel there is anything wrong with how or who he is, I just think it isnt a good match for you in particular. Look how concerning it already is for you.


I haven't said that I am concerned. 

I never said I was an outgoing person.

I said I'm very introverted. 

It seems that you have skimmed this entire thread. 

Please take the time to read a thread before commenting.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

TigerLake said:


> 3Xnocharm said:
> 
> 
> > I feel like you two will not be compatible in the long run. If you are really that outgoing and open, then his personality is eventually going to drive you crazy. I dont feel there is anything wrong with how or who he is, I just think it isnt a good match for you in particular. Look how concerning it already is for you.
> ...


Your posts were very clear and easy to understand.


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## TigerLake (Jul 28, 2019)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> I have a question, does he enjoy talking about yours and other people's feelings? I know I do.
> 
> I also relate a lot to music I think because of this. The writer is expressing their emotions and behaviors, which can cause me to think of my own. I enjoy deep discussions. This will usually draw me out of my shell pretty easily. Now there's a topic for me to go into it about. Talking about my own emotions is a means of helping others instead of asking for help. That's probably the biggest part. I have an incredibly hard time asking others for help.


Not really. He will talk about them, but I wouldn't say he _enjoys_ it. He is a great listener and listens to me think my thoughts and feelings out loud. 

He once told me that he doesn't mind when someone tells him a story they already told him. He likes to listen to how a person retells the same story and what that can tell you about what that memory means to them.

He really enjoys movie soundtracks, as in the instrumental kind of songs that feel very moving. He knows all the major composer and listens to that type of music a lot. 

He does have an extremely hard time asking for help. He does bring up his past feelings if he is using it as a way to show he understands what I'm going through. He explains how he processed those feelings and that situation in order to try and help me with a similar problem. 

A lot of what you said, sounds like how he talks.


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## TigerLake (Jul 28, 2019)

notmyjamie said:


> Speaking for myself only, yes, it does make me feel vulnerable. I feel like once I've revealed my true feelings that person now has something over on me. It's not that I have secrets to hide it's that I don't want that person to have any type of power over me. When I write it out, it sounds really stupid but I can't help but feel that way.
> 
> I am just now starting to tell people I'm divorcing my husband. Everyone is SHOCKED because I never opened up to anyone about the problems in my marriage. They all keep saying they thought we were the perfect couple.
> 
> As for wanting privacy at a camping ground, I feel the same way. I don't like feeling like a stranger can see everything I'm doing all day. I want to enjoy myself without feeling watched. I'm not doing anything bad, just cooking, reading, playing cards with my family, etc. I just want to do that without anyone watching me.


I don't think that sounds stupid at all. I haven't thought about that. But now that you mention it, it reminds me of a past relationship. I shared all of my feelings and my deepest fears with him. He listened well and made me feel safe opening up that deeply with him. When he would get angry he would leverage all of that knowledge against me and say exactly the things he knew would devastate me, on top of the feeling of being betrayed. He used my vulnerability against me and it drove me into a very deep depression. 

It's not stupid to not want someone to have power over you. In my experience, people can and will use emotional blackmail and your true feelings against you just to control you or to win an argument. And the pain that causes is inmense. 

Its definitely smart to be careful who you open up to and to even never reveal something deep to another person. There is always that possibility it will be used to hurt you deeply.


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## TigerLake (Jul 28, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Not wanting to be next to others when camping the first couple times seems normal especially if so far in his mind "camping" is anticipated to be "alone camping in the woods".
> 
> Which unless changes in views, more experienced in "public campgrounds" that have power and restrooms and is only "semi-rough" is some folks original view. Normal.
> 
> ...


He has never said it defensively. He has very infrequently, specifically said that he is a private person.

After talking through this on this thread, I'm realizing that this weekend was kind of the first time I really saw his extroversion right next to his need for privacy and I discovered that I've always assumed those two things don't go together. 

You know how sometimes things just don't "click" in our minds until one day, it suddenly does. 

I just realized how odd it seems to me personally, that I'm introverted but not private and he is extroverted, but not open. 

From a couple of comments on this thread, I can see I am not the only person who has associated privacy with introversion.

From skimming this thread, a couple of people have mistaken that my fiance is an introvert because I am mentioning that he is a private person, and that I must be outgoing because I'm an open book. 

I'm sure someone far smarter than me might be able to connect some dots as to why the open book person is exhausted by being around people, and why the more social character tightly guards his privacy.


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## TigerLake (Jul 28, 2019)

InMyPrime said:


> It may be a low priority now but end up being a huge frustration later. (Which happens 99% of the time I’m afraid).
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


You have no supporting evidence to your claim. 

You seem to not care about reading this thread for the purpose of offering solicited advice, but rather about making this your personal playground to amuse yourself and practice expressing yourself in a way you likely do not do IRL.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

TigerLake said:


> You have no supporting evidence to your claim.
> 
> 
> 
> You seem to not care about reading this thread for the purpose of offering solicited advice, but rather about making this your personal playground to amuse yourself and practice expressing yourself in a way you likely do not do IRL.



What do you mean? I am just as an ass IRL as I am here: fully authentic!

Sorry if we started off with the wrong foot: I was trying to be a little bit (un)funny at the expense of your future husband. But I was also giving you my honest, unfiltered opinion (that to me, from your description, he came off as a bit self-important with his remarks. But that you might also be reading too much into his comment). Extrapolating from lack of information and guess-work usually results in unfavourable outcomes (which is going to apply to most advice given here, based on how little you know him).

Otoh, you seem to already have an answer and looking for confirmation which is fair enough.

I am still curious how long you guys have been together?



TigerLake said:


> You have no supporting evidence to your claim


What do you think is the number 1 thing most people complain about on this website?



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

TigerLake said:


> He has never said it defensively. He has very infrequently, specifically said that he is a private person.
> 
> 
> I'm sure someone far smarter than me might be able to connect some dots as to why the open book person is exhausted by being around people, and why the more social character tightly guards his privacy.



I definitely would not consider myself smarter than you but a lot of ‘private’ people find it easier to form ‘superficial’ bonds with many people (be ‘extrovert’) and much harder to form deep bonds with one person. Possibly because they feel that a bunch of people they barely know may not pry so much into their inner lives, which (they think) would leave them vulnerable. It’s possible that he was hurt before. It’s also possible he just didn’t want you to push him for an answer with your line of questioning on that topic.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## rocltop (Jun 3, 2019)

TigerLake said:


> Part of what made me curious about what people mean when they say they are a private person is because of what happened when were camping.
> 
> He said he prefers more privacy, for camping to be a more mediative place and not somewhere he can hear air conditioners running on campers.
> 
> ...



l'm a private person and a space person but it really surprises me he wanted to get into ball with those guys yet wanted a private spot.
Me l wouldn't get involved especially being with you and l'd like a private spot for not only privacy but so l didn't get involved.
l can mix really well but l'll only bother if it suits me or if l particularly like the people in a sitch like that . 
So even a private spot might depend , if l like the look of the people about as in l'd feel at home being around them like that l wouldn't mind semi private so that l have mu space but people about too but if not then l'd go for more privacy.
l get exhausted too if too much people stuff. But again right people though and l'm into it,


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

TigerLake said:


> I'm sure someone far smarter than me might be able to connect some dots as to why the open book person is exhausted by being around people, and why the more social character tightly guards his privacy.


Well I'm a dummy but I'll give it a go...

First off, it's very common to have two seemingly opposing positions kept by the same person. I'm a bit arrogant, while simultaneously lacking self worth. 

My take is, going back to Jung, you have multiple aspects of self. What you project, what you are, and shadow self. Subconsciously these things are all at war with one another. Even when you don't realize you're doing it. Shadows are only seen when there's light after all, and most people don't want to shine light and look at the ugly parts they have inside. But that darkness has to exist. Just like a painting, you need dark in order to show light. 

So there's a battle going on here, but its waged in order to achieve balance. If I was super confident in myself, and I mixed that with my inherent arrogance, that would be a bad combination. I don't know that I'm meant to be too sure of myself. Where that is a negative for many, in my case, it's a positive. Negatives can be positives and positives can be negatives. It depends on the person. My dad is both confident, and arrogant. He's actually quite insufferable as you can imagine. Seems he hasn't a single humble bone in his body. 

Similarly, an extrovert who is extremely open all the time with everyone will fall victim to those you just talked to notmyjaime about. Emotional blackmail is common enough to guard against it. Its also a thing where some people have no modesty or shame. I know a few people like this. Its like, we don't need to know all that stuff. It doesn't feel uncomfortable to them, but it makes others around them very uncomfortable. When I worked in wireless, some people would just come in and open up about everything. To a complete stranger. I don't need to know all these details lady, and its actually making me incredibly uncomfortable you sharing all this stuff with me. They have no filter, no sense of modesty or shame or privacy or any of that. I imagine its hard for those people to keep friends. "Oh don't invite Karen to the party, she makes things awkward for everyone" type thing. 

Anyway, I think there's parts of self that keep each other in check always. If you were an introvert, and also had no ability to open up to anyone, well you would sort of be a lifeless zombie then wouldn't you? There's a balance here that works for you and all aspects of yourself, which creates harmony. 

Maybe he is a bit out of harmony, and that's where you come along and were thrust into his life. But I'm a believer in the man upstairs and think He sends us what we need, even when we dont realize we need it. Even when we feel like we are being drawn out of our comfort zones, so it doesn't really feel like a gift at the time. Feels opposite of a gift even at other times, a curse. 

Many people here have been in terrible relationships and situations. In the end, most have grown stronger in themselves for having had those experiences. Nobody grows in comfort and without conflict. It is necessary. When two people like you come together, you can either retreat back into comfort, or face the conflict and grow together as individuals. While others simply outgrow the other person, as their partner seemingly has no ability to grow. No introspection. No self awareness. No empathy. No remorse. These people feel like a curse, but often they cause massive growth in the other individual who got intertwined with them. They come out better people. Then they find happiness, true happiness on the other side. 

Of course, this could all be BS as well, but my arrogant side thinks I'm spot on. :wink2:


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

TigerLake said:


> I don't think that sounds stupid at all. I haven't thought about that. But now that you mention it, it reminds me of a past relationship. I shared all of my feelings and my deepest fears with him. He listened well and made me feel safe opening up that deeply with him. When he would get angry he would leverage all of that knowledge against me and say exactly the things he knew would devastate me, on top of the feeling of being betrayed. He used my vulnerability against me and it drove me into a very deep depression.
> 
> It's not stupid to not want someone to have power over you. In my experience, people can and will use emotional blackmail and your true feelings against you just to control you or to win an argument. And the pain that causes is inmense.
> 
> Its definitely smart to be careful who you open up to and to even never reveal something deep to another person. There is always that possibility it will be used to hurt you deeply.


That sucks, but do you think someone so mean and petty will ever really experience love? Now tell me who lost more in that exchange.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

TigerLake said:


> Part of what made me curious about what people mean when they say they are a private person is because of what happened when were camping.


Well, as language is ambiguous, my suggestion would be to ask him what he meant in that setting while still being sociable. 



TigerLake said:


> He said he prefers more privacy, for camping to be a more mediative place and not somewhere he can hear air conditioners running on campers.
> 
> Then we were walking around and a bunch of guys were playing ball and warmly invited us to join in. My fiance is a big people person so he lit up and we joined in. He was laughing and having fun.


Projecting my interpretation of what you have shared, I would consider this to be more about having a natural setting... enjoying the stillness of natural surroundings, being away from the 'machine' noise of the air conditioners, versus the natural noise (and interaction) of others. But, only really he can tell you what he meant and what his style of camping is - through his own inclinations and what it means for him.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I was puzzled by my husband's take on something recently. Or what I really mean is, I was puzzled that he didn't share my view. So I viewed something as one and the same, however, when I realized that he didn't I asked, 'Help me to understand how you see this...' which we both chuckled with as I don't typically communicate that way - particularly at home. And yes, he helped me to understand his perspective. Our stances didn't change but perhaps some understanding did.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

With the mention of music, extroverts and privacy... I will chime in that although I would be considered an extrovert, playing the piano is something I have told my husband feels more personal (or private), than the social activity he thinks it could be. As for the Dude's post about sharing, then regretting, is knowing what you're comfortable with - but if there's any reassurance to you Dude, now that you have shared, is to suggest that 'what is most personal, is most common.' That is why all those great songs connect with us. The lyricist/musician has shared, and we pick up what they're putting down.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@TigerLake I think relationship coaching and counselling might be of help.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

My father was not a private person, so it has nothing to do with gender. At some point I realised how exposed I was. People in hometown knew a lot about me but I knew very little about them. It also rubbed off on me as I felt some obligation to answer people's questions even when they would not answer my questions. 

The only privacy at the moment that I can think of that I would not tolerate is the exchange between us. I would be very uncomfortable by the time we are exclusive is he were still clsoing e-mail accounts; keeping his phone in hi pocket and so on. That wouls say to me that he's keeping his options open.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

"At some point I realised how exposed I was. "

The above is why I am so much more private now. For me, i no longer trust the world in general, which is a bit sad, but it is what it is.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

NextTimeAround said:


> The only privacy at the moment that I can think of that I would not tolerate is the exchange between us.


There's things in my past I've shared with nobody. I've been with my wife over half of my life now and she doesn't know everything. That would be a deal breaker for you? I have some very dark thoughts that pass through my head at random. I don't know that I need to share them all with everyone. Dont we all have these dark places within us?


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

personofinterest said:


> "At some point I realised how exposed I was. "
> 
> The above is why I am so much more private now. For me, i no longer trust the world in general, which is a bit sad, but it is what it is.


An understanding of true human nature is a lonely feeling. However, there's always one person you can share it all with, without any fear of judgement. 

I've always said I'm a pessimistic optimist. Yeah the glass is half full, but its half full of milk and I dont really want milk right now. :laugh:


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I've shared most of my life with a very private, reserved and emotionally unavailable person... never again. It's like living with one of the wax sculptures from Madame Tussauds...


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