# Struggling



## cdevore (Jul 18, 2013)

Hi everyone, I'm new here. My name is Cheyenne. (I originally posted this in the considering divorce or separation forum, but moved it here since someone stated I could benefit more from this section at this point)

This is really hard for me to post but I am so lost on how I'm feeling I just don't know how to go about it anymore. My husband told me out of the blue a little over two weeks ago that he wants a divorce but he wouldn't tell me why... It didn't take me long to finally get it out of him and he admitted that he wants to be with someone else, but swears he had not been seeing her before this came about.

I've talked to the "woman" in question and she swears up and down it's nothing but friendship between them and she wants us to work out our marriage and she has repeatedly told him that she says when she tells him she loves him, it's on a friend level only (they have known each other since they were kids). 
My husband and I have argued so much in the past two weeks because I want to save our marriage, I want to get back to where we used to be and he will sit there and tell me we can work on it, but then quickly changes his mind again and again and it's so painful for him to do this.

The other night (Tuesday night) he sat down with me and told me that we could work it out, he even told me things I needed to work on and I completely agreed, he even took the night off work to stay home but then yesterday morning he changed again, he started saying he didn't think we could work it out and just completely shut down again, I instantly went back to the whole other woman subject because it seems that is what keeps effecting him, and he again swore that wasn't the case, he thought there was love there between us still and he claims there just isn't. (Through this whole process in the past two weeks I have done nothing but cry and barely eat) and I finally spilled every bit of emotion I have left in me out... I told him that my life completely changed when he and I got together (it did), every thing I've accomplished in the last year and a half I've done because of him and I wouldn't be an EMT if it wasn't for being with him, (maybe down the road I would have been, but getting with him brought me into everything I am now), everything I've done has been to improve our marriage, make things easier for both of us and he told me last night after I poured my heart out that he'd stop being a jack-*** and really honestly give our marriage a fighting chance and again we talked about what needed to change on both parts and he even said he didn't want to just throw away 4 1/2 years together but things needed to change.

I want so badly to believe him, but he's still texting this other woman but he's deleting all the messages between them. I can look on my account and see he's texting her but it doesn't show messages. I want my marriage to work out but if he has nothing to hide why is he deleting messages.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Someone remind me to put my standard 007 stuff on this thread. Im at work and i suck at typing on an ipad. Besides i have the standard info on a file i copy paste.

No PA. Uh huh.

Sorry. Unlikely.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

If he's texting her and deleting the messages then he obviously has something to hide. It sounds like you're the one fighting for your marriage not him. The problem is you can't save a marriage when only one person is doing the heavy lifting (which is really what he should be doing).


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

No affair? In that case OM or not OW needs to cut him off from contact so you and husband can work together to save your marriage.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Sounds like he's really infatuated with this gal. 

I'll bet you if he goes, he'll be back when he gets hungry like all other little boys.

If he wants to go, let him. I know that's hard to do, but let him lose himself even more.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Don't believe a word she says. Her character is as bad as his. They both lie. he keeps flip flopping because they are still talking.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Call the OW. Tell her H is deleting their texts, and that you want the marriage to work, and you must know what he is texting her...

Say that you know she isn't leading him on, and that you just need to see how deeply he is committed to her before you put everything into saving your marriage.....

Tell her to meet you somewhere with her phone and let you read his texts....

She will shut up like a clam, or agree to meet you....

Either way you will have your answer......

And know whether you are dealing with one liar or two...

My money is on two....

the woodchuck


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> Call the OW. Tell her H is deleting their texts, and that you want the marriage to work, and you must know what he is texting her...
> 
> Say that you know she isn't leading him on, and that you just need to see how deeply he is committed to her before you put everything into saving your marriage.....
> 
> ...


I think the woodchuck is right.


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## cdevore (Jul 18, 2013)

The thing that makes me give the OW the benefit of the doubt is that she is currently 1800 miles away in Sacremento, CA. He has recently been deleting messages from them but then again, he deletes all his text messages, not just the ones between them so I'm in limbo on what to think honestly. 

He knows that I can see when he texts her and when she texts him and how often they are texting, so he does not deny the fact that they text but he says the messages are of good nature, when I asked him about the texts yesterday he said she was asking about his mom and if she went to her doctor appointment and they ended when he got to work and clocked in. Today's text messages were while he was in town at her mom's house working on the porch (stuff that her mom nor her step dad can do due to their own health issues). I asked him about them when he got home and he said I have nothing to worry about, how true that may be I don't know and I told him I am struggling with believing that. He said when I took him lunch this afternoon that he really wanted to give our marriage a fighting chance and I want to believe him but I'm struggling on how to.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Affairs need at least three people to flourish. Fastest way to kill affair triangle, kick the legs out and that means you sending him to her. I billy mays guarantee the minute you show him the door he will crumble. You gotta mean it and be prepared to back up your actions or you'll get pulled into a cesspool of cake eating on his part. 

Cheating partners love that artificial obstacle in their way (spouses)which fuels the forbidden lust but once you eliminate that....oh no party over commence walk of shame. 

Yeah they could end up walking to the other person but you want death by a thousand cuts or quick?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

cdevore said:


> The thing that makes me give the OW the benefit of the doubt is that she is currently 1800 miles away in Sacremento, CA. He has recently been deleting messages from them but then again, he deletes all his text messages, not just the ones between them so I'm in limbo on what to think honestly.
> 
> He knows that I can see when he texts her and when she texts him and how often they are texting, so he does not deny the fact that they text but he says the messages are of good nature, when I asked him about the texts yesterday he said she was asking about his mom and if she went to her doctor appointment and they ended when he got to work and clocked in. Today's text messages were while he was in town at her mom's house working on the porch (stuff that her mom nor her step dad can do due to their own health issues). I asked him about them when he got home and he said I have nothing to worry about, how true that may be I don't know and I told him I am struggling with believing that. He said when I took him lunch this afternoon that he really wanted to give our marriage a fighting chance and I want to believe him but I'm struggling on how to.


I suggest taking a couple of months away from him. 

Take some time to really sort out if you want to remain married to a man who has the utmost disrespect for you and wants to flaunt his betrayal in your face. He wants to "keep" you and have his other women as well. 

Maybe during that time he will come to his senses and cut all contact with her. But I seriously doubt it.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Standard 007 stuff if you need to see how far this goes. Just reverse the sexes as I mostly deal with betrayed husbands

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. Set bit rate to 44K and sensitivity to very high or better. Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off.

Put the second in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around.

Usual warning. If you hear another man get in her car STOP Listening and have a trusted friend tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! NO MORE CONFRONTS!! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You always got your info from a PI or someone saw them.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for three men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. NEVER GIVE UP YOUR ELECTRONIC EVIDENCE. They were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful.

Look for a burner phone. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone"

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.

BTW the distance thing. My wife had an EA with an ex 600 miles away. Made it alot easier to (mostly) rule out a PA but the killing the trust thing is ****.

That implicit 100% trust.
Gone forever. grrr.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

As long as she is in the picture and he continues to have contact with her, you have no marriage (or rather, not a healthy one). They are not "just friends" as you know. What is the backstory with them?

How old are you guys?

Their friendship has a history, going back a long time. To me, this is the worst kind of emotional affair. 



cdevore said:


> I've talked to the "woman" in question and she swears up and down it's nothing but friendship between them and she wants us to work out our marriage and *she has repeatedly told him that she says when she tells him she loves him, it's on a friend level only (they have known each other since they were kids). *


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Isn't the OP the betrayed wife?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

cdevore said:


> . He has recently been deleting messages from them but then again, he deletes all his text messages, not just the ones between them so I'm in limbo on what to think honestly.
> 
> He knows that I can see when he texts her and when she texts him and how often they are texting, so he does not deny the fact that they text but he says the messages are of good nature, when I asked him about the texts yesterday he said she was asking about his mom and if she went to her doctor appointment and they ended when he got to work and clocked in. Today's text messages were while he was in town at her mom's house working on the porch (stuff that her mom nor her step dad can do due to their own health issues). I asked him about them when he got home and he said I have nothing to worry about, how true that may be I don't know and I told him I am struggling with believing that. He said when I took him lunch this afternoon that he really wanted to give our marriage a fighting chance and I want to believe him but I'm struggling on how to.


WAY too close for comfort. Unacceptable. You know why people delete texts? Cause they don't want other people to see it. The fact that he talks to her daily, about things such as her mother's doctor's appointments and is going over to her parents' house to help them speaks volumes.


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