# Attraction.



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Can we help who we are attracted to? 

I have read here time and time again when somebody is pretty honest about what they like, what they don't like, they get vilified for it and it is usually because their spouse has changed from what was initially attractive about them. I don't think I am off base here in saying that we as spouses have a duty if you will to maintain as best we can what was attractive about us. 

So many of the more recent posts are about love them for who they are, it's what's on the inside that matters, we all change, but is that fair? Should we forego what attracted us to our partners to value what's inside more? 

Perhaps I am really shallow yet I don't think it is reasonable to still be attracted to a spouse who changes so much. Is it? 

What attracted me to my husband was many things and part of it was that he was tall, fit and has great hair. His height will always be there for the most part but his fitness and hair can change. We both agreed that we would try to maintain as much about ourselves as we could. He has kept in shape and has used Rogaine since he was 24. He still has a full head of hair. He did that to maintain his attractiveness. To him, he loved my eyes and hair. My eyes stay the same but would it be fair if I suddenly came home with a short pixie cut when he loved the length I had and expect him to just think "It's only hair?". 

Perhaps I AM really superficial. I would be lying to you if I said I believed that beauty is on the inside, for me it isn't. It is on the outside first and what radiates from the soul makes the person all that much more attractive to me. Is that wrong?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Perhaps I AM really superficial. I would be lying to you if I said I believed that beauty is on the inside, for me it isn't. It is on the outside first and what radiates from the soul makes the person all that much more attractive to me. Is that wrong?


My H and I were attracted to each others voices/accents and glimpse of personalities before we'd even met. We were strongly attracted _before_ seeing the physical. Then we met and he didn't run the other way 

Someone can become more or less physically attractive based on the inner - but I'm aware that for him to be sexually attracted to me, there's both a physical AND emotional connection that needs to be present. I'm his type, physically. And it's him I want to attract, so with a balance of my own preferences, I make effort with the preferences he has. As for him, well he quickly became my type. I don't think anyone else could truly know me the way he does. He gets me. We get each other. I'm attracted to that. And yes, I'm physically attracted to him. Especially those little things he can't change even if he wanted to that just drive me nuts... the way his cheeks get this light flush at times, his bow legs, his eyes...

We were talking recently about physical appearance. He assumed/asked that I'd find him more attractive if he bulked his muscles more. I told him no, I'm incredibly attracted to him as he is. Sure generally speaking, being toned is nice but I know that he wants to make effort to look/smell/behave in ways that attract me .....and that in itself, is attractive.

I do feel it's important to keep up attraction for our SO, but I really think 'attraction' encompasses many factors.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

For me, attraction is a more spiritual thing.

With anybody who's meant anything to me in life, male or female, it was an instant connection, both physically and spiritually. 

With females, obviously it wasn't sexual, but it was a bond that would make us inseparable (when I was single). I've had 4 friends like that. INSTANT connection, followed by a 'romance' if you will. Those four women still mean the world to me and I met them all randomly. One was a waitress at Denny's...lolll We were always there hanging out and she was the night shift server. Awesome woman. We hit it off one night and that was 12 years ago. She's still my betch  

With hubs it was instant. I just needed to be near him. I couldn't explain it. It was his vibe. That has only happened once before with a man...the first man I ever loved...and so I couldn't let it go with Hubs. Hubs is the 2nd man I've ever loved and BOTH times were instant connection.

I really don't care what he looks like. lol. I don't know if I think he's hot because he's hot or because I am just attracted to his whole being. Although, he is pretty hot and latino-- which I love.

Not that I care...he still gives me butterflies.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Inner beauty is important, but being physically attractive is important to us too. 

My husband and I both watch out our shape, we don't want to become over weight. My husband tells me if I wear size s, there is no limitation on my clothing budget. He also encourages me to have facial treatment. He says that money is well spent. 

If you have a beautiful heart, you are a wonderful person to be around and live with. If you are beautiful physically, you get to roll in bed more often! 

YEAH!!!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The great thing is you both addressed this BEFORE marriage. My W and I did the same. 

The one area where I feel these type boards are MOST skewed is this:
1. Guy posts that his wife has lost desire. He gets PAGES on what he has to do to rekindle it (which is fine)
2. Different guy posts that he has lost desire because his W has gained serious weight. He gets hammered by many / most posters




TE=Therealbrighteyes;532739]Can we help who we are attracted to? 

I have read here time and time again when somebody is pretty honest about what they like, what they don't like, they get vilified for it and it is usually because their spouse has changed from what was initially attractive about them. I don't think I am off base here in saying that we as spouses have a duty if you will to maintain as best we can what was attractive about us. 

So many of the more recent posts are about love them for who they are, it's what's on the inside that matters, we all change, but is that fair? Should we forego what attracted us to our partners to value what's inside more? 

Perhaps I am really shallow yet I don't think it is reasonable to still be attracted to a spouse who changes so much. Is it? 

What attracted me to my husband was many things and part of it was that he was tall, fit and has great hair. His height will always be there for the most part but his fitness and hair can change. We both agreed that we would try to maintain as much about ourselves as we could. He has kept in shape and has used Rogaine since he was 24. He still has a full head of hair. He did that to maintain his attractiveness. To him, he loved my eyes and hair. My eyes stay the same but would it be fair if I suddenly came home with a short pixie cut when he loved the length I had and expect him to just think "It's only hair?". 

Perhaps I AM really superficial. I would be lying to you if I said I believed that beauty is on the inside, for me it isn't. It is on the outside first and what radiates from the soul makes the person all that much more attractive to me. Is that wrong?[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Perhaps I AM really superficial. I would be lying to you if I said I believed that beauty is on the inside, for me it isn't. It is on the outside first and what radiates from the soul makes the person all that much more attractive to me. Is that wrong?


No. I think that each of us is just different in what is important to us. But it is true for me anyway, that the character, the personality, the values that make up a person are what I find most attractive.

I guess the case in point is my own husband. Someone else posted a thread this last week asking whether you and your spouse are your preferred body type. My response was "Nope, not at all, in either direction." For me it wasn't about how my husband looked (he actually had a kind of look to him where I wouldn't normally even look twice), but he had a certain manner in which he carried himself. It was THAT quality that I found so attractive and intriguing.

Perhaps I'm just not as visually oriented. Or maybe I'm jaded. I find few people that I come in contact with on a daily basis physically appealing or attractive, but have found more than a few that have very engaging personalities that make up the difference.

And I think that in a marriage - in a strong marriage - where you are weathering the storms together, and are at each other's back (as opposed to each other's throats ) - the attraction to each other can weather many things - including alteration in appearance.

Vive la difference.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> The one area where I feel these type boards are MOST skewed is this:
> 1. Guy posts that his wife has lost desire. He gets PAGES on what he has to do to rekindle it (which is fine)
> 2. Different guy posts that he has lost desire because his W has gained serious weight. He gets hammered by many / most posters
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In the first case, the H can work on the deficits that HE is bringing to the marriage, hoping that will spur the wife to work on hers as well. He can change himself, not her. He can make himself more attractive in all ways as a spouse, but he can't change her. We seem to have more ideas on things that he can work on in himself.

In the second case, ermmm... the W (in your example) is the one that has to do the work on her deficit (or surplus as it were), and so other than telling the H to be patient and understanding and supportive, he can't change her. He can change himself and his outlook and his perspective, but he can't change her. Other than telling him to be supportive and think about the perspective he has (as in dwell in the positive parts and not the negative ones), we've got bubkis to suggest to change the situation I think. imho.

That, and I think weight gain and self-image, are really hot buttons for women. We don't want you guys to just desire us for our bodies and what the physical package is. We don't want to be "objects of desire". We don't want to be objects at all. We want you to desire us for US - the essence of us, inside - what makes us each unique, and we live in a whacked out world that doesn't seem to be very conducive to any of that.

In the hypersexualized era that we live in, all the images each of us are bombarded with on a daily basis, ad nauseum, seems to make men see women as these objects who need to constantly maintain their appearance and their weight so they can keep his desire and focus on them, and it makes women just disengage and drift, I think.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I think that the difficult issue about attraction is that physical traits are not permanent. Our bodies will change over time, and many of us want a partner who is committed to us regardless of this change.

For women, we must fight against the perception that our sole worth lies in our beauty. I saw the horrid show "Toddlers and Tiaras" last night. I could not believe that those mothers tarted up their young daughters for the entertainment of others. What message does this send to girls?

I also think that some men want a good looking wife to boost their egos. It sends a message to other men that they have status because they got someone pretty.

There is a reason that wedding vows include the phrase, "for better or for worse." If you are only committed to your spouse if they look a certain way, your partner will not feel secure in their love for you.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> I think that the difficult issue about attraction is that physical traits are not permanent. Our bodies will change over time, and many of us want a partner who is committed to us regardless of this change.
> 
> For women, we must fight against the perception that our sole worth lies in our beauty. I saw the horrid show "Toddlers and Tiaras" last night. I could not believe that those mothers tarted up their young daughters for the entertainment of others. What message does this send to girls?
> 
> ...


I don't think any man - at least not any reasonable man - expects his wife to defy the natural effects of aging. A little weight gain, graying, wrinkles, etc., are all part of the gig.

I think what is reasonable is to expect that if you wed a fit, healthy woman who takes care of her appearance, you will continue to have a wife who is fit, healthy and takes care of her appearance 5, 10, 15 years later. And, of course, the same goes for husbands. The guy who sits on the couch every night drinking Miller High Life and watching ball games as he packs on a 30-pound spare tire is no better than the wife who packs on 30 pounds and wears nothing but oversized sweats.

This whole 'it's what's inside that counts' bit is a red herring. Not that it doesn't matter - it's hugely important - but I would suggest that any person who lets their appearance go after marriage fundamentally has changed on the inside. He/she has gone from a person who knows the importance of physical attraction in fostering a sexual relationship (and any healthy marriage should be a sexual relationship) to a person who no longer cares about that aspect of their relationship. A person who, IMO, no longer cares about their partner's needs. And, whether you like it or not, being physically attracted to your spouse is needed in a healthy relationship.
It's a change on the inside that affects how a person appears on the outside. Barring serious health issues, nobody puts on 40 pounds of fat in a few years unless something inside him or her has changed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> No. I think that each of us is just different in what is important to us. But it is true for me anyway, that the character, the personality, the values that make up a person are what I find most attractive.
> 
> I guess the case in point is my own husband. Someone else posted a thread this last week asking whether you and your spouse are your preferred body type. My response was "Nope, not at all, in either direction." For me it wasn't about how my husband looked (he actually had a kind of look to him where I wouldn't normally even look twice), but he had a certain manner in which he carried himself. It was THAT quality that I found so attractive and intriguing.
> 
> ...


Another great post!:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I used to be concerned about a man's looks when I was younger and frankly, more insecure about myself. As I've gotten older, grown as a person, and learned more about myself, my values, and how I view the world, I have realized that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes and that inner beauty trumps outer beauty every time. 

I'm not saying attraction is not important in marriage, but I DO believe that attraction is based way more on what's inside (values, integrity, intelligence, heart and soul) than external stuff like a hot bod and a full head of hair.

To be honest, I feel bad for people who hang their marital happiness (or their own self esteem) on something so inconstant as looks. There is SO MUCH more to life than that.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I don't wear sweats. I wear tight yoga pants LOLLLL Hubs likes how they show off my booty.  Pair them with a tight tank top and a push up bra, and we're good to go  That's attraction. Rawr.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> I think that the difficult issue about attraction is that physical traits are not permanent. Our bodies will change over time, and many of us want a partner who is committed to us regardless of this change.
> 
> For women, we must fight against the perception that our sole worth lies in our beauty. I saw the horrid show "Toddlers and Tiaras" last night. I could not believe that those mothers tarted up their young daughters for the entertainment of others. What message does this send to girls?
> 
> ...


WOW! Amazing post! Just what I wanted to say....only you said it better!


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

FrankKissel said:


> A person who, IMO, no longer cares about their partner's needs. And, whether you like it or not, being physically attracted to your spouse is needed in a healthy relationship.
> It's a change on the inside that affects how a person appears on the outside. Barring serious health issues, nobody puts on 40 pounds of fat in a few years unless something inside him or her has changed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you are 100% wrong to assume that someone who has gained weight has "stopped trying" or caring about meeting their spouses needs. This is just a ridiculous statement. Maybe it's true in some cases, but probably NOT the majority. It's a pretty cynical view. 

And since when are humans static? Change is constant in life. Gawd, please spare me a marriage with a man who doesn't change the entire time we are married! How dull and depressing that would be. We are meant to change and it is unnatural to not accept change.

I think weight gain CAN indicate something going on inside of someone. But does that mean that any time a spouse goes through a hard time (which humans do from time to time) that they are to be judged as having stopped caring or that they have failed to meet their marital obligations?

I guess in the end the uncompromising standards that some folks espouse on here regarding weight/looks I find hard to accept because it is so counter to the way I choose to life my life....and my husband is right there with me, so we are on the same page.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Am I really (besides GP) the only woman here who feels that attraction changes if the spouse gains weight/loses hair/changes their appearance drastically? If so, I feel terrible. Most of the responses from the women here are in essence "I love him no matter what" and while yes, love is there, attraction for me would not be. I am very visually oriented.....I guess more so like a man in that area. 
Don't get me wrong, I have met some unbelievably attractive people and the moment they open their mouths, the attraction is gone. I have also met some moderately attractive people and the moment they open their mouths I am wildly attracted to them. I would be a liar if I told you though that if my husband gained 50 pounds and lost all his hair that I would be attracted at all. I guess I AM shallow. Does that make me a bad person? The word shallow has such a negative connotation. Yikes.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I also find it to be true than many people get "comfortable" the first few years of marriage and eat more.
I never ate so much as when I got married LOL. My husband knows how to eat and he's not a large man. If I ate like him, I'd be a huuuge woman! I did, for a while, without thinking, ate what he ate and not only did I feel yucky, I gained some weight-- which I've lost.

I've taken it upon myself to only offer healthy food in this home. Some junk is ok, but not much. I cook healthy meals and am able to monitor my intake much better.

I don't think some people realize that marriage is like "forever dating" and you do need to look good for yourself (so you feel good) and for your spouse (so you are still desired)...whatever size that may be. Not everyone is into skinny.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

The only drawback to the woman staying fit and not gaining weight
is that making babies does stuff you could not imagine to a body and to good habits unless you had gone through it.
One baby, fairly easy to get back in shape (still tough)
Two babies, a bit more of a challenge to get in shape.
Third baby, yikes!, wow, dang what a hill to climb back over to the fit side and so on.
Even moms who didn't give birth but adopted are recalibrated to put the care of the child ahead of their own eating/working out/keeping super fit.
It can be done by women but it is not in anyway a simple thing. That is why so many once fit women have slid the way of not fit over years of marriage.
BTW
attraction is initially often physical and then once you talk, it is either more attractive or less, depending on the interaction of the people.
and
women DO like handsome men.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Am I really (besides GP) the only woman here who feels that attraction changes if the spouse gains weight/loses hair/changes their appearance drastically? If so, I feel terrible. Most of the responses from the women here are in essence "I love him no matter what" and while yes, love is there, attraction for me would not be. I am very visually oriented.....I guess more so like a man in that area.


You can add me to your list, I am terribly visually oriented. I am against the vilification on these type of threads. It is an REAL issue for many struggling spouses. Some are so emotionally torn up over these things, to the point of hating themselves for feeling this way, it is no walk in the park for them either, some have went into depression over it. 

I do not believe we can turn our attraction on & off .....our hormones have us wired to go "ga ga" over certain shapes & sites, men even more so are driven here -being the visual creatures we all know them to be , some things in life are like gravity. Women are a little different, we are more wired emotionally . I count myself to be wired both ways - and very much so. 

"Lust"/ attraction is dependent , not automatic. And even an *emotional connection *does not arouse, this is why we can still LOVE. 

My husband has told me a few weeks ago -talking about weight issues.....I can gain 1,000 lbs (such exaggeration) & he'd still love me, but if I was itching upwards to 30, the desire would be slipping , he even went as far as to say -he wouldn't be able to get it UP! 

Now one thing I know is this......he would likely NEVER tell me these things outright -cause he wouldn't want to hurt my feelings, he would just be that suffering silent man again , many would shoot themselves in the foot before hurting like that ---but non the less, this is the reality of how many men *FEEL*. I just drag the answers out of him- I read stuff on this forum & I want his take ... it helps to know these things " BEFORE". 

Since I am a Mid Life Cougar who can't get enough - and he is not that young "ready to go" stud anymore ....I am not going to throw a monkey wrench into our bedroom --by disregarding how he feels....these things are Utterly important for the well being of our marraige! Monumentally so. 

I outright admit I am shallow also... Do I personally think I am a bad person, unloving, uncaring, terrible ....No. Nor do I feel this way about how he feels, I know what a wonderful man I have, He is near unselfish in every way imaginable so for him to hold THIS high on his list of importance, I can live with that. It is something I can give to him.... and myself as well. 


Kobo said this on a weight thread that always gets very slammed...I feel this is very true...it also affects how WE feel about ourselves...this appears to be wired into women as well....We could blame Barbie & society , I don't know, I won't go there.....


Kobo said:


> thinner wife = a woman more prone to be happy with her self and her self image = woman feels sexy = more sex with husband = happier husband = husband more attentive to wife = happier wife


Whatever that force is that desireously attracts you to another, I call it the glue in many relationships, if these things are importnat to YOU, then they are important to you. 


Admittably, I do not like getting older, I wish I could bottle our youth and save it . One drawback to feeling this way about attraction is... It likely will be harder on us as we age, It saddens me to see the wrinkles my husband is slowly getting, and myself...as the words in Aerosmiths "Dream on" ...."all those lines on my face getting clearer, the past is gone". We can't stop the hands of time. 

But yet... *Love* still allows us to look into our spouses eyes, look at their body and see them "'forever young" somehow... that good looking man that we couldn't take our eyes off of, or that beautiful bride walking down the isle. If the shadow is the same reflection , it helps to be able to do this -just a little more I believe!

Hair on the head.... this is really an unfair one, as some men are genetically cursed in this area unless they go for Hair transplants ....which can , unfortunetely , lower their Test levels !


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

When my wife and I were dating, she seemed almost ashamed to admit that male baldness was a huge turnoff for her. Its wierd, but even though it wouldn't have mattered to her, I worried about it. One side of the family was light-haired, but the men went bald early. The other side of my family was native american. No baldness. My hair was very light, so I was afraid that I took after the bald irish side. Not in the least. Since marrying my wife, my hair got darker and thicker every year. I don't fool myself by thinking that she would've been unaffected if I had lost the hair. Its attraction, after all. But she isn't shallow, and would've looked deeper and never held it against me, either. 

To me, its a matter of having personality and character traits that transcend the superficial attraction, and looking for those in the partner. Have to admit that time and experiences don't always just affect the skin, bodyfat and hair, though. Lots of things can erode a person's inner beauty, if they allow it. I try to give posters the benefit of the doubt before calling them shallow if they mention not being attracted to their spouse. Actually taking the time to post here, looking for answers might be a check mark in their favor when it comes to being the type of person who tries to look inside.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Am I really (besides GP) the only woman here who feels that attraction changes if the spouse gains weight/loses hair/changes their appearance drastically? If so, I feel terrible. Most of the responses from the women here are in essence "I love him no matter what" and while yes, love is there, attraction for me would not be. I am very visually oriented.....I guess more so like a man in that area.
> Don't get me wrong, I have met some unbelievably attractive people and the moment they open their mouths, the attraction is gone. I have also met some moderately attractive people and the moment they open their mouths I am wildly attracted to them. I would be a liar if I told you though that if my husband gained 50 pounds and lost all his hair that I would be attracted at all. I guess I AM shallow. Does that make me a bad person? The word shallow has such a negative connotation. Yikes.


So you felt okay before you realized you were in the minority? If you are being true to your values, it shouldn't matter what other people think. 

Maybe you ARE shallow , but that doesn't mean that you can't grow as a person and begin to challenge some of the superficial attitudes you currently possess. As Socrates said, "an unexamined life is not worth living". 

Listen, society is shallow. Popular culture is shallow. To actually learn how to accept yourself and others in spite of their imperfections requires you to reject some of the less-than-healthy attitudes that are so prevelent in our culture. It requires swimming against the tide (and the $80 billion "diet" industry that feeds off our our insecurity).


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## leroycat (Dec 30, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> I think that the difficult issue about attraction is that physical traits are not permanent. Our bodies will change over time, and many of us want a partner who is committed to us regardless of this change.
> 
> For women, we must fight against the perception that our sole worth lies in our beauty. I saw the horrid show "Toddlers and Tiaras" last night. I could not believe that those mothers tarted up their young daughters for the entertainment of others. What message does this send to girls?
> 
> ...



Well said!


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

Definitely superficial.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

lovesherman said:


> I think that the difficult issue about attraction is that physical traits are not permanent. Our bodies will change over time, and many of us want a partner who is committed to us regardless of this change.


 I agree, we all want a partner who will love us for Life, no matter what, this is the height of genuine LOVE & Security in that love. But still.....there is a responsibility on our ends.... no less important than getting up every morning - cooking ourselves /our spouses breakfast, keeping our houses in order, keeping on top of needed home & auto repairs , even paying our bills ..... to keep those physical changes at bay -as much as we humanly can. 

Taking pride in how we prepare our meals so our husbands/wives will enjoy every bite, for the health of their bodies & our own - our very futures together .... I see this near similar....as taking pride in how we look, for our own personal health and the *enjoyment* of our spouses. 

Is this wrong? Nothing can stop our aging, this is beyond anyone's control- obviously ....or _specific health issues _... but what we *CAN* control.... what of this ...... Do we not have a responsibilty here ? 

Just as many other things we treasure in life, we have to work to acheive, we set goals, we strive, it takes effort, planning , determination and discipline. And the rewards..... unspeakable. 

I've had 6 kids, I am a small framed woman, those stretch marks make my stomach look like an over inflated Rail road track, this was one of those "beyond my control" things. I still don't like it - I won't allow my husband to take any photos with my stomach showing. He tells me sit ups will help this- I know they won't erase those marks & I will still have extra skin no matter if I do 200 a day - but I am not offended he wants me to do these, he is very willing to do them with me. 

He WON'T allow me to get a tummy tuck as ANY risk in surgery , to him, is not worth a youthful flat sexy stomach. I appreciate his attitude here. But yet, he knows & I agree, I could tone up at bit -taking care to exercise. 

We need to work with what we have, where ever we are .... get some Mary Kay make up, buy some newer clothes to compliment our body shape, be careful to get some exercise daily, watch what we eat , dye our hair -not sure how healthy that is -but I will take my risks on this one - Or I would be near completely grey in my 40's! YIKES. 

My husband wears glasses, I find him more attractive in contacts, so he wears them when we have a day off together or go out, & vacation. I appreciate he cares & wants to please me...it is worth the benefits he reaps. 



> For women, we must fight against the perception that our sole worth lies in our beauty. I saw the horrid show "Toddlers and Tiaras" last night. I could not believe that those mothers tarted up their young daughters for the entertainment of others. What message does this send to girls?


 I recently read this book -the topic ...Insecurites . Amazon.com: So Long, Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend to Us (9781414334721): Beth Moore: Books
We all have them in some way or another. From the book....



> Insecurity refers to a profound sense of self-doubt- a deep feeling of uncertainty about our basic worth and our place in this world. Insecrutiy is associated with a chronic self-consciousness , along with a chronic lack of confidence in ourselves & anxiety about our relationships. The insecure man or woman lives in constant fear of rejection & a deep uncertainty about whether his or her own feelings & desires are legitimate.
> .....Insecurity is not the same thing as Sensitivity...the latter can be a charming trait that is often evidenced in thriving individuals & relationships. Not everyone who is sensitive is insecure , but make no mistake, everyone who is insecure is unusally sensitive to a fault.


I never seen "Toddlers and Tiaras" but I KNOW It would not be something I would like at all, a waste of a program & in fact damaging . Yes, this breeds woman to feel their looks are the MOST IMPORTANT thing, it breeds unhealthy competition -like trying to outdo the prettiest female in our circle. This should never be. 

Me & husband went out dancing with one of my prettier friends last night - she is a darn good dancer, I suck, but I got up there anyway, trying to follow her lead, felt a little like a fool-but it was still fun being out of step. She won one of the dancing compititions last night , brought her little award back to the table, I was proud of her. I wasn't insecure that I was not the "best", there was no competition , I know I have other abilities in this life. This is healthy. 


In raising our daughters...it is so very very important to compliment them on their spirits, how they treat others, to build them up, we all have other abilities we shine in. And to never 
never never use their looks to purposely LURE the boys, this is a sure sign or insecurity. GOOD MEN want more than just looks anyway, they look for character. Just as women would not want a dufass hottie, he is only good for a night, not for setting up & raising a family. Looks are never the end all. 

It floors me how there is this new trend -parents paying for Breast Implants for Graduation gifts. This is just messed up ....and to please who ?? she may go on to marry a man who would miss "the real thing". It is near screaming we are not satisfied with what God has given us, that we are not "good enough". That should be tackled ....not the plastic surgeon called . 

Though how many of us get BRACES to enhance our smiles -even though it costs the price of a used car, we do it for our kids ! It has become so commonplace in today's society. How many will raise their hands and say this is wrong? Is there any hypocrisy in this? 

I just feel we need to take the best care of what we have been naturally blessed with. 

Then we all have different tastes anyway... I don't care for men with too much Muscle, or hairy chests, even HUSKY men do not "do it" for me, but plenty of women LOVE those things....and those men are clearly taking care of their bodies. I have a male friend -thin as the next guy, who prefers large women. He married my good friend, been married for 22yrs. He has told me he has never been attracted to "thin". So truly, to each his or her own. 



> I also think that some men want a good looking wife to boost their egos. It sends a message to other men that they have status because they got someone pretty.


 I think we all want to have someone who we are proud to carry on our arm, nothing is really wrong with this. If our motives are to impress others though- something is very twisted in our heads. I think this happens more with the Older man who is having a mid life crisis. 




> There is a reason that wedding vows include the phrase, "for better or for worse." If you are only committed to your spouse if they look a certain way, your partner will not feel secure in their love for you.


 Just like any good thing with a well intended meaning , some can "abuse" the "better or for worse"..... it becoming THE DEFENSE to "let myself go", "let the house go", put up with my drinking, my gambling, my video game addiction, my porn additction, learn to live with my Passive aggressiveness, so what if we are near sexless, and why should it matter if I gained 75 lbs in 5 yrs.... it is about love, for better or worse. Most stay married anyway -the point is, the attraction has been lost. Judging them will not win it back.... anymore than someone using the "for better or for worse" as their defense.


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