# Why cheaters 'Affair Down'



## TruthSetsYouFree (May 10, 2011)

First I will state that I know this is a generalization and that this is not the case 100% of the time. However, it is prevalent enough that if you enter it into Google, you will find many, many hits that address this very aspect. I have also seen it many times in my own life. But I don't understand it. Why is that when men have affairs, it is often with a woman who isn't as good looking as the man's wife or girlfriend? Even the CEO of AshelyMadison conceded that a lot of the men who frequent his site have admitted the women they see on the sly don't hold a candle to what they have waiting for them at home. (That's not saying she is ugly, just not as attractive as the wife or gf.) Is it simply a case of having a sirloin steak at home but getting the hankering for a White Castle burger? (No offense to White Castle).


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

*Re: Men Affair Down?*

Seems to go the other way as well.

In my case - my opinion only - my wife was having EAs with men mainly based on their AVAILABILITY. She isn't working - has some health issues - and was craving attention. The men she gravitated towards online were in unmarried, fairly unattractive, and often even unemployed - but they had TIME.

My two cents based on my own circumstances...


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

*Re: Men Affair Down?*

may be about what they do in bed more than how they look, just saying


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## bill2011 (Feb 5, 2011)

*Re: Men Affair Down?*

Not that I condone cheating in any way, but white castle is always open, the steakhouse only serves steak once in a while if you're lucky


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

*Re: Men Affair Down?*

Both genders tend to affair down.

My own absolutely non-professional opinion is that it has to do with selecting a partner for assured success as a result of a very low expectation threshold. Sort of a "I know he/she will appreciate me, and I can get the attention I want."

I don't doubt that occasionally a wayward will affair up ... but that usually means that they are simply the 'down' half of the cheating duo.


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## jezebel (May 10, 2011)

*Re: Men Affair Down?*

sometimes i think that cheating is filling another void..like time and attention... or possibly the simple thrill of doing something ur not suppose to, so if ur simply seeking the thrill ur after the adrenaline and as long as ur some what attracted to the chick it works!?!


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## jezebel (May 10, 2011)

*Re: Men Affair Down?*

you have a good point there.... women who have little self confidence would be easier to get into bed......


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

*Re: Men Affair Down?*

My opinion is that looks are not the primary motivator. For some men, its about being with someone who is crazy about you. If you look down and can't see the your feet anymore, you're seeing what the hottie wife sees in you every day. Then, maybe you go for someone desperate, or someone who takes VISA or cash.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Re: Men Affair Down?*



Deejo said:


> Both genders tend to affair down.


ITA



jezebel said:


> sometimes i think that cheating is filling another void..like time and attention...


Also agree



Brennan said:


> How many well adjusted, sexy and attractive women do you know who would be okay with crumbs and empty/broken promises, waiting day after day for a married man to grace them with their presence and 10 minutes of sex


:rofl: Way to burst the bubble of affairs! LOOOOOL


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

*Re: Men Affair Down?*



jezebel said:


> you have a good point there.... women who have little self confidence would be easier to get into bed......


Yes.



Halien said:


> My opinion is that looks are not the primary motivator. For some men, its about being with someone who is crazy about you.


And Yes.

The catalyst can be as simple as feeling overwhelmed or overlooked, and simply finding someone that doesn't make you feel that way.
And that usually isn't going to correspond to a bo-hunk or swimsuit model.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Re: Men Affair Down?*



Brennan said:


> I know two women who have been cheated on by their husbands. The women they cheated with look a potato with hair.


AH!!! You are killing me. LMAO over here! :lol::lol:


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

*Re: Men Affair Down?*



Brennan said:


> I know two women who have been cheated on by their husbands. The women they cheated with look a potato with hair.


Men do love nice yams.


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## TruthSetsYouFree (May 10, 2011)

*Re: Men Affair Down?*

Thanks for your replies! I agree with what everyone said actually. Cheating is wrong across the board, but it seems the human ego is so fragile.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

*Re: Men Affair Down?*



Brennan said:


> How many well adjusted, sexy and attractive women do you know who would be okay with crumbs and empty/broken promises, waiting day after day for a married man to grace them with their presence and 10 minutes of sex all the while lying to their wife and children?


ask erin barry, the MARRIED girl tony parker cheated on eva longoria with

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooowwwwllllllllllllllllllll :smthumbup:


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

*Re: Men Affair Down?*

When you don't listen or show any attention to them, they will take it from the ugliest person that will. Who ever is there to fill the void in there marriage.
They could be a ciglops and if they are not getting it from there spouse they will get it some how.

Granted some cheaters are just wired wrong and have bad chacter, but for the most part something in the marraige is missing and it doesn't take a hunk or bombshell...just some one with just as bad of a moral conpass as the DS.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Re: Men Affair Down?*

Erin Barry was not hot.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

*Re: Men Affair Down?*

Brennan,

I wonder if you have a point.

Men "affair up" when the OM is married and hot - and eminently available?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

*Re: Men Affair Down?*

I don't know about this one. A part of me wants it to be that the other person is a wart-faced hog with no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

Another part of me tells me the other person was everything I was not.

Still yet another part of me reminds me that whomever the other person is, built like adonis, seemingly soul-connecting, and so on? They are just an object, a projection by my cheating spouse.

In the same way my wonderings about them are a projection of my fears.


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## TruthSetsYouFree (May 10, 2011)

*Posted in another forum but interested to see replies here - re: men "affairing down"*

(I'm actually doing a bit of research on this topic; however, I'm curious on a personal level, too, as my father had affairs with many women who were no where near as beautiful as my mother - and I am not just being biased here. I just want to understand.) :scratchhead:

First I will state that I know this is a generalization and that this is not the case 100% of the time. However, it is prevalent enough that if you enter it into Google, you will find many, many hits that address this very aspect. I have also seen it many times in my own life. But I don't understand it. Why is that when men have affairs, it is often with a woman who isn't as good looking as the man's wife or girlfriend? Even the CEO of AshelyMadison conceded that a lot of the men who frequent his site have admitted the women they see on the sly don't hold a candle to what they have waiting for them at home. (That's not saying she is ugly, just not as attractive as the wife or gf.) Is it simply a case of having a sirloin steak at home but getting the hankering for a White Castle burger? (No offense to White Castle).


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

*Re: Posted in another forum but interested to see replies here - re: men "affairing d*

the men who cheated on me cheated with lower caliber women. I'm not a model or anything but these girls were just freakishly ugly.

it must be a pretty common thing. Perhaps they feel insecure in the relationship with the hottie so they go for the nottie to feel better about themselves? Maybe the less attractive girls give them the star treatment they're seeking? Hunk-worship or whathaveyou


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

*Re: Posted in another forum but interested to see replies here - re: men "affairing d*

Read about Narsisistic Personailty Disorders.

NPD or borderline NPD is fairly common amongst cheating spouses. The needs of a person who has these traits or the disorder are also met more readily by a "lesser" affair partner.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

*Re: Posted in another forum but interested to see replies here - re: men "affairing d*

I've heard many men say ugly chicks work harder in bed. Whether or not that's the reason, I don't know.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

*Re: Posted in another forum but interested to see replies here - re: men "affairing d*

I like that "ugly chicks work harder in bed" LOL

If it is anything to be judged my ex H affair partner: She is 13 years older than me, 6 years older than him, twice divorced and if I showed you a picture here you might get an idea for Halloween. I am no model by any means but it is almost insulting to me that he cheated with this one(at least looks wise).


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

*Re: Posted in another forum but interested to see replies here - re: men "affairing d*



Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Read about Narsisistic Personailty Disorders.
> 
> NPD or borderline NPD is fairly common amongst cheating spouses. The needs of a person who has these traits or the disorder are also met more readily by a "lesser" affair partner.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

*Re: Posted in another forum but interested to see replies here - re: men "affairing d*

Same for me. I am not supermodel thin, I do carry a few extra pounds but I am not a cow either but my H's affair partner is probably a good 50 lbs heavier than me with a very chunky face and a few sets of extra chins. She is also very unstable, very emotional type of person. She will cry all day long about how she is never good enough for anyone to love and my H will sit there and tell her all day long that she is good enough and he loves her. It's funny how I went through that "attention stage" at one point and my H sat there and told me it made me unattractive to him (so I stopped doing it) but yet she does it and he is attracted to her? I don't get it either.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Re: Posted in another forum but interested to see replies here - re: men "affairing d*

The chicks my ex-H was messaging on the dating site seriously made me feel like a Sports Illustrated model.  I think I'm pretty attractive and was very happy to see they were mostly trolls. They were just not anything I would imagine he'd be into. The one he cheated on me with, not bad looking, but had that whole SKANK vibe going on for her and lots of pictures doing shots and dancing on the floor and kissing different men in her pictures talking about what a good Christian woman she was, that she'd never hur tanyone. . Also she has a LTR boyfriend.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

*Re: Posted in another forum but interested to see replies here - re: men "affairing d*

Here's a question...do you think the majority of women who have an affair do the "affairing down" thing? Or do you think they do better than what they've got?

Maybe the NPD is more common in men so the old cliche' of the barbie doll OW needs to be replaced with a new cliche' of TrollSkank OW


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

*Re: Men Affair Down?*



Brennan said:


> My point was nobody "affairs up". The sheer fact that somebody would engage in a relationship with a married person makes them questionable, lacking in moral compass, ill adjusted and void of self esteem. That isn't "up" in my opinion.
> 
> Ever see an animal in the wild take down another? They don't go for the strongest and healthiest, they go for the easiest and sickest. Same goes for an affair.


Much as I would like to agree with you, I think it's more complex than that. It's easy to want to take that viewpoint when you are the betrayed, devoted spouse that wants to hold things together, but it just isn't always the case.

I've indicated before, in my own little relationship dynamic journey, I now know for a fact that at least 3 couples to whom I am very close and have each been married at or over a decade, started their relationships as affairs. Two affaired up, one affaired down ... all despite their poor personal choices at the time, are wonderful people, and all 3 marriages are healthy.

I know the backgrounds of their previous marriages ... all of which were very unhealthy. I don't think they necessarily chose better people. I think they fostered better relationships.

There comes a point in time where an affair either transitions to a healthy, or unhealthy, full-blown relationship, or the fantasy element disappears and the 'affair' dies. Just like it does with everybody else ...

Affairs are committed by flawed people, which by definition means any of us are susceptible under the right circumstances, as we are all flawed in some fashion.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

*Re: Men Affair Down?*

Brennan that's hillarious stuff!!!

I don't think it matters are all the same yet all are different. Depends on the affair!!

I know guys that try to just score.........they aren't looking to leave there wife it's just a game.....hit it and quit.....if they are hot or not doesn't really matter it's all about the game.

I know very very few guys that have affairs to leave there current spouse......almost all it's just to get a piece of strange.

On the other hand woman I know have almost always had affairs and then left!!!


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## TruthSetsYouFree (May 10, 2011)

*Re: Posted in another forum but interested to see replies here - re: men "affairing d*

Good question, White Rabbit. I have looked into that very thing, too. While Google isn't the Holy Grail of all information, it does provide good insight. As I wrote in my initial post that if you Google "men affairing down" you will get many, many hits. However, if you enter "women affairing down" you'll find there isn't even close to the same number of hits. I think, on the whole, when women have an affair, they tend to affair laterally or up. (Again, just like with men affairing down, there are exceptions, of course.) On a blogging website I saw once, the blogger alluded to this very thing and called it hypergamy. Essentially this means that women look to trade up, whether that's with a better looking man or wealthier, what have you. Also, I wonder if part of it is that women, on the whole, have plenty of opportunities to cheat should they so choose. Almost any woman who isn't repulsively hideous can walk into a bar and find someone to have sex with. Men don't generally get the same offers, unless he is drop dead gorgeous and/or extremely wealthy and powerful. So I personally think that most women who cheat tend to cheat with someone who is on the same level or better than their husband/boyfriend.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Re: Posted in another forum but interested to see replies here - re: men "affairing d*



TruthSetsYouFree said:


> Good question, White Rabbit. I have looked into that very thing, too. While Google isn't the Holy Grail of all information, it does provide good insight..



Made me :rofl:



TruthSetsYouFree said:


> . (Again, just like with men affairing down, there are exceptions, of course.)


IMO, Elizabeth Hurley is the perfect example of this. She cheated on her hot and very classy-seeming husband Arun with Shane Warne of all people. He's disgusting and wreaks of 
"d-ucehbag"


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## TruthSetsYouFree (May 10, 2011)

*Re: Posted in another forum but interested to see replies here - re: men "affairing d*



Jellybeans said:


> Made me :rofl:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Good point! Also, Elizabeth Hurley is a good example for men affairing down too. Remember when Hugh Grant cheated on her with Divine Brown?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Re: Posted in another forum but interested to see replies here - re: men "affairing d*

Oh gosh yes. Who can forget that. WTH was Hugh thinking!!


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

*Re: Posted in another forum but interested to see replies here - re: men "affairing d*



TruthSetsYouFree said:


> Good question, White Rabbit. I have looked into that very thing, too. While Google isn't the Holy Grail of all information, it does provide good insight. As I wrote in my initial post that if you Google "men affairing down" you will get many, many hits. However, if you enter "women affairing down" you'll find there isn't even close to the same number of hits. I think, on the whole, when women have an affair, they tend to affair laterally or up. (Again, just like with men affairing down, there are exceptions, of course.) On a blogging website I saw once, the blogger alluded to this very thing and called it hypergamy. Essentially this means that women look to trade up, whether that's with a better looking man or wealthier, what have you. Also, I wonder if part of it is that women, on the whole, have plenty of opportunities to cheat should they so choose. Almost any woman who isn't repulsively hideous can walk into a bar and find someone to have sex with. Men don't generally get the same offers, unless he is drop dead gorgeous and/or extremely wealthy and powerful. So I personally think that most women who cheat tend to cheat with someone who is on the same level or better than their husband/boyfriend.


This is exactly what happened in my ex H case. The bimbo was a gold digger with a degree, very materialistic(her ex h made a comment to me that she does not shop at Sams club because that's where the low life people shop). My ex H was a CEO at that time($$$$). Her now ex H was just a maintenance engineer. I guess the CEO that can take you on a private jet, weekends in NYC,shopping trips here and there is better than what her ex husband can do(that was hubby no.2 she divorced)


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## maggot brain (Nov 28, 2010)

*Re: Posted in another forum but interested to see replies here - re: men "affairing d*

I find it interesting that all the women who posted here consider themselves to be much better looking than the OW. Seeing as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I'm not convinced the former husbands would all agree.


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## TruthSetsYouFree (May 10, 2011)

*Re: Posted in another forum but interested to see replies here - re: men "affairing d*



maggot brain said:


> I find it interesting that all the women who posted here consider themselves to be much better looking than the OW. Seeing as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I'm not convinced the former husbands would all agree.


That is true that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. However, I don't think the women posting here are trying to down-play the OW. I think on the whole they're shocked who their husbands chose to be with. I have actually spoken with women who WERE the OW and three of them were surprised that their lover was with them when the wives at home were "so beautiful". Not that these women were saying they were ugly themselves; they were simply surprised, upon seeing the wife, that the man would want them. Which is why I am leaning toward that when a man cheats, it has little to do with what the OW looks like.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Re: Posted in another forum but interested to see replies here - re: men "affairing d*

I think it matters less about looks... people generally cheat with someone who is: easily available, willing to put out to a married person and/or feeds their ego/provides attention.

Now look at Tiger Woods... most of the hundred chicks he cheated on Elin were def a downgrade, IMO.


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## TruthSetsYouFree (May 10, 2011)

*Re: Posted in another forum but interested to see replies here - re: men "affairing d*



Jellybeans said:


> I think it matters less about looks... people generally cheat with someone who is: easily available, willing to put out to a married person and/or feeds their ego/provides attention.
> 
> Now look at Tiger Woods... most of the hundred chicks he cheated on Elin were def a downgrade, IMO.


Oh beyond a doubt!! And then you also have Jesse James. Bombshell McGee ain't so Sandra Bullock.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Re: Posted in another forum but interested to see replies here - re: men "affairing d*

^ That was seriously the epitome of downgrade. Yuck!


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

*Re: Men Affair Down?*



Brennan said:


> Deejo, it's great that your friends have been happily married. Each person is different. I was stating in general terms about those who engage in affairs. Let's face it, responsible people end the marriage before cheating. Also, there is a reason only 3% of affairs survive past 5 years. If you are cheating on your spouse with somebody do you think it's a stretch that honesty and trust would be hard to come by? Not a healthy foundation to build on.
> 
> Oh Geesh, not sure what's so hilarious? So your friends go out and sport screw women behind their wives backs? What part should I be laughing at? The STD risks or the potential for a broken family?
> Your women friends who cheat are no better but yes, women tend to leave for the AP more than men.


Coworkers over the years.........when you work at a site with 400-600 people you see alot. 

The funny part was all of your quotes from before I thought they were Hillarious!! What I posted was not hillarious it was just what I've seen.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

*Re: Posted in another forum but interested to see replies here - re: men "affairing d*



Jellybeans said:


> I think it matters less about looks... people generally cheat with someone who is: easily available, willing to put out to a married person and/or feeds their ego/provides attention.
> 
> Now look at Tiger Woods... most of the hundred chicks he cheated on Elin were def a downgrade, IMO.


Very well said. :smthumbup:


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

*Re: Posted in another forum but interested to see replies here - re: men "affairing d*



maggot brain said:


> I find it interesting that all the women who posted here consider themselves to be much better looking than the OW. Seeing as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I'm not convinced the former husbands would all agree.


That's kind of a cruel thing to say to a bunch of betrayed spouses, but whatever, I guess. I don't think it's such a terrible white lie to affirm such a statement to try to restore the self-confidence of someone whose life and sense of self have just been shattered by an affair, even if you don't believe it to be true. In the end, does it even matter?

Of course beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but I have no doubt that the excitement of an illicit affair, not knowing/seeing yet the affair partner's faults (especially compared to a spouse with whom you've had ups and downs), etc. add to their "beauty," in the eyes of the cheater. But none of that is real.


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## TruthSetsYouFree (May 10, 2011)

*Re: Posted in another forum but interested to see replies here - re: men "affairing d*

Also in a well-documented study I came across, only 12% of the unfaithful men interviewed said the OW was as good looking or better looking than their wives. Since that was both as good looking or better, I'd wager to say that maybe only 7% of those would say the OW was better looking.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

*Re: Posted in another forum but interested to see replies here - re: men "affairing d*

It really has nothing to do with looks, but how the OW makes your husband feel. It's all about the fawing and attention. The OW makes them feel wanted, desired, interesting, and everything else a new relationship brings.

My husband had an affair with an attractive woman, but she felt threatened by my looks. My DS said when she saw my picture her response was, "Oh. Your wife really is beautiful." I know he wasn't blowing smoke up my @$$ by saying this, because he told me this last year. I thought it was just a random co-worker commenting on my pic, had no clue she was a woman having an affair with my husband! _*gag*_

Anyway, it's very satisfying to know that even the OW thought I was better looking than her, but oddly also kind of disappointing. I mean, if you're going to have an affair, why not go for the hot fantasy? My husband is a total boob man, you'd think he'd go for someone with a rack. Nope. Her chest is even smaller than mine! You kinda wanna think that the temptation was soooooo great, they couldn't resist. Instead, you're like "Really?" Don't even get me started on the OW's personality/character "red flags". Guess I should be glad she was so flawed, if she was perfect, he probably wouldn't be here rebuilding with me.

Told hubs if I was going to stray, the man damn well better be hotter than hades. Now, if Alexander Skarsgård came a knocking.....


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

*Re: Men Affair Down?*

Don,

This is great stuff - and it is oh so true.

I am nowhere close to the person I was just 5 years ago. And, when I say, "5 years ago", I mean 5 years ago TODAY.

I won't go into the steamy details, but let's just say the die was cast on my personal journey in 2006.

Would I do it again? I can honestly tell you I would never cheat on a loyal spouse again. But, I know so much more about selecting an appropriate partner now - because I know so much more about myself.

I've married for safety.

I've married for fun.

Neither is the "true" answer.

If I marry again, it will be for "me". It will be because someone truly "gets me" and doesn't simply want to be with me for what I can do, how much I make, or how many problems I can offload from their plate.

But, you know what? If someone truly "gets me" in that way, I doubt they'll really "want" to marry me. They'll probably be satisfied to live with me/date me for the rest of our lives.

And, I'm completely ok with that.

I never thought I'd think that - much less say it.




Deejo said:


> Much as I would like to agree with you, I think it's more complex than that. It's easy to want to take that viewpoint when you are the betrayed, devoted spouse that wants to hold things together, but it just isn't always the case.
> 
> I've indicated before, in my own little relationship dynamic journey, I now know for a fact that at least 3 couples to whom I am very close and have each been married at or over a decade, started their relationships as affairs. Two affaired up, one affaired down ... all despite their poor personal choices at the time, are wonderful people, and all 3 marriages are healthy.
> 
> ...


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## Nickitta (May 12, 2011)

*Re: Men Affair Down?*



> But I don't understand it. Why is that when men have affairs, it is often with a woman who isn't as good looking as the man's wife or girlfriend?


She doesn't have to be beautiful as long as she fills a void.

The list is endless:


Attention (lack of attention from his partner
Thrill
Sex
Ego booster....


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

*Re: Posted in another forum but interested to see replies here - re: men "affairing d*



TruthSetsYouFree said:


> Good question, White Rabbit. I have looked into that very thing, too. While Google isn't the Holy Grail of all information, it does provide good insight. As I wrote in my initial post that if you Google "men affairing down" you will get many, many hits. However, if you enter "women affairing down" you'll find there isn't even close to the same number of hits. I think, on the whole, when women have an affair, they tend to affair laterally or up. (Again, just like with men affairing down, there are exceptions, of course.) On a blogging website I saw once, the blogger alluded to this very thing and called it hypergamy. Essentially this means that women look to trade up, whether that's with a better looking man or wealthier, what have you. Also, I wonder if part of it is that women, on the whole, have plenty of opportunities to cheat should they so choose. Almost any woman who isn't repulsively hideous can walk into a bar and find someone to have sex with. Men don't generally get the same offers, unless he is drop dead gorgeous and/or extremely wealthy and powerful. So I personally think that most women who cheat tend to cheat with someone who is on the same level or better than their husband/boyfriend.


I used to tell my stbx that when he turned 40 I was trading him in for two 20's... hehe


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

*Re: Posted in another forum but interested to see replies here - re: men "affairing d*

Maybe some of these cheating H's feel the need to downgrade because they feel in the shadow of their spouses. 

If you are a successful woman, with a good head on your shoulders, I think its more likely that a husband will cheat. Just because they feel inferior to them, and they like to feel manly. So they downgrade to get that manly feeling from the OW perhaps.

Just a thought?


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

*Re: Posted in another forum but interested to see replies here - re: men "affairing d*

My husband told me once that I steal his masculinity because I reject my natural feminine nature. 

Perhaps that's why he flirts with his assistant...maybe she doesn't steal his masculinity...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Re: Posted in another forum but interested to see replies here - re: men "affairing d*



Saffron said:


> The OW makes them feel wanted, desired, interesting, and everything else a new relationship brings.


And eventually all of those shiny/new feelings wear off. In every relationship.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

*Re: Posted in another forum but interested to see replies here - re: men "affairing d*

It makes sense that shes not as good looking, because she would have to have pretty low self esteem herself to get involved with married guy, and to claim the prize of allways being second best. Not only second best, second best to guy who doesn't value women.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

*Re: Posted in another forum but interested to see replies here - re: men "affairing d*

Forgetting looks for one minute - for in reality it is what's inside a person that makes him/her beautiful - consider for a minute the following. If a spouse and his/her lover can justify an affair to themselves, they have already demonstrated that they can justify the unjustifiable. So does it comes as a surprise that many former cheating spouses who leave their spouses to marry each other later on repeat history? A cheating spouse often becomes a poster boy/girl of the old saying 'what they do with you they can do to you'.

To me 'affairing down' has more to do with character than with looks.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

*Re: Posted in another forum but interested to see replies here - re: men "affairing d*

No matter how hot she is, someone somewhere is sick of her ****.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

*Re: Posted in another forum but interested to see replies here - re: men "affairing d*



Runs like Dog said:


> No matter how hot she is, someone somewhere is sick of her ****.


:rofl::iagree:


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Thread merged from Men's Clubhouse.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

My husband is downgrading, for sure, I have shown her pic to several people, and they say eeeeeewwwww, I wish I could post mine and hers side by side and let the projectile vomiting begin, you would see why I call her pigface troll.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

awwww para you are beautiful.. if i dug chicks id take ya out! LOL 

I don't think anyone downgrades in having an affair.. they just find someone that fills that emotional/physical need they feel they are lacking in their marriage.

Or they are just morons and take the first person that lays down in front of them


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I've never cheated, never will. Wife never has and never will. So I can't talk from experience. But think of it this way, the wayward spouse, the wife with a man on the side, the man with the goumada, they're looking for refuge from YOU. They don't want YOU. They want the opposite of YOU.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

Very true Runs.. people who cheat generally lack some self esteem. I've never cheated either.. was cheated on.. i know my STBX has serious self esteem issues.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

just picked up the latest People Magazine here in Canada. It has Shania Twain on the cover and her story inside. When I was reading it it was like reading about my recent divorce(nightmare). Looks like her ex husband Mutt found himself a real "mutt" to cheat with. I am so glad she overcame her nightmare. I hope to have a story like hers to share one day.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> I've never cheated, never will. Wife never has and never will. So I can't talk from experience. But think of it this way, the wayward spouse, the wife with a man on the side, the man with the goumada, they're looking for refuge from YOU. They don't want YOU. They want the opposite of YOU.



Don't think it's so much that the wayward wants the opposite of their loyal spouse, but to feel something different than what the loyal spouse makes them feel. When you have children, bills, money stress, and haven't been nurturing your emotional bonds..... someone is going to make the grass look greener. But eventually, if the wayward picks the OW/OM over the loyal, there will be bills, alimony, joint custody, ex-spouse interactions to fuel insecurities, and a whole new set of things to make that exciting feeling disappear. Then someone will start looking for "something better" yet again.

Like I said, it doesn't have a whole lot to do with looks. For my husband it was the ego boost. He fully admits it was just a matter of time before the OW's true colors showed. When relationships first start, you're always trying to show your best side. Even after a few months, the OW slipped a few times and said or did something that made my spouse think, "WTF?" but he wasn't ready to give up the fantasy, so he ignored her flaws.

We all have flaws and nobody is perfect. Our therapist even says most people "settle" when they get married. Realizing your spouse isn't the perfect person for you, is one step in becoming closer. We live in a consumer driven world, it's very tempting to trade in our spouses for "something better". When really we need to work harder on making what we have better.

Affairs are eye openers. My husband and I both need to work harder on becoming better people and building our emotional bond, so in the future neither one of us will tempted to look elsewhere for what we feel is lacking in our own lives. You can't use other people to make you feel fulfilled, that must come from within. It's easier to ignore personal faults that create feelings of insecurity and unfulfillement and escape in an affair fantasy, than to work on your issues. Self improvement is not easy, but I'm glad that both my husband and I are working to make ourselves and our marriage better. So if Ms. Perfect or Mr. Perfect comes along someday, we'll both be in a place where it's no longer a temptation.


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## TruthSetsYouFree (May 10, 2011)

Yet another supporting example: Arnold Schwarzenegger.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

Saffron said:


> Don't think it's so much that the wayward wants the opposite of their loyal spouse, but to feel something different than what the loyal spouse makes them feel. .


True. My DH had an EA/PA with a married woman of 2 with cerebral palsy and is at least 100 lbs heavier than me. And she has a big hairy mole on her neck


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

My DW had a guy that was "up" in looks, but just about everything else was a major "down". Even the guys (who happened to be my Ex-best friend) who were friends wondered WTF was she thinking. She knew before **** happened he was a player, asshat, #%#, #%#%, and a !#^*&. Treats his kids like a burden, has money issues, has had issues with everything else, including being a womanizer. We (the wife and I) used to make fun of him about it. Hell when the wife tried (when she was still in the fog) to tell me when I poked fun at her (which she thought was cute in highschool, my bad for not thinking it might be bad now days) that it hurt her alot, I laughed and bellowed, he was worse then me towards you and I had to ask him to stop. So, it was a 50/50 with me. Looks, experience, "size", was "up, everything else "down".


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Honestly? There reason this is so hard to understand is that it's a GIGANTIC myth of EPIC PROPORTION that people leave their loyal spouse because of sex or looks. That is a blatant lie that is put "out there" in stories and movies and whatnot, but the world's SEXIEST people have all been cheated on! It's also a blatant lie that an affair is a "love story." No it's not! Love would involve being personally responsible, honoring your vow, and choosing to treat your spouse in a loving way! Affairs aren't even "romantic"--it's all fantasy...100%!!

So the raw, ugly truth is that most people don't have an affair with a sizzly hot sex kitten or stud, who is rich and powerful, so they can "work their way up the social ladder" or so they have have the romance of their life. The raw, ugly truth is that most people have affairs because at home, with their spouse, the actions and behaviors that used to fan the flame of love ended...and the actions that put out the blaze and quench the fire of love--well those actions increased. The bills, kids, arguments and long hours at work very slowly drive a wedge between people. THEN along comes someone who is of such low character that they knowingly pursue a married person and destroy a family! They are willing to lie, cheat and cover up what they know is wrong! The Other Person has all the actions and behaviors that to fan the flame of love but don't have the bills, kids, and arguments to put out the flame. And voila--your spouse is kissing a toad and for some reason they see a prince(ss). 

The OP kindles love and doesn't extinguish it. It's just that easy.


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

Affaircare said:


> Honestly? There reason this is so hard to understand is that it's a GIGANTIC myth of EPIC PROPORTION that people leave their loyal spouse because of sex or looks. That is a blatant lie that is put "out there" in stories and movies and whatnot, but the world's SEXIEST people have all been cheated on! It's also a blatant lie that an affair is a "love story." No it's not! Love would involve being personally responsible, honoring your vow, and choosing to treat your spouse in a loving way! Affairs aren't even "romantic"--it's all fantasy...100%!!
> 
> So the raw, ugly truth is that most people don't have an affair with a sizzly hot sex kitten or stud, who is rich and powerful, so they can "work their way up the social ladder" or so they have have the romance of their life. The raw, ugly truth is that most people have affairs because at home, with their spouse, the actions and behaviors that used to fan the flame of love ended...and the actions that put out the blaze and quench the fire of love--well those actions increased. The bills, kids, arguments and long hours at work very slowly drive a wedge between people. THEN along comes someone who is of such low character that they knowingly pursue a married person and destroy a family! They are willing to lie, cheat and cover up what they know is wrong! The Other Person has all the actions and behaviors that to fan the flame of love but don't have the bills, kids, and arguments to put out the flame. And voila--your spouse is kissing a toad and for some reason they see a prince(ss).
> 
> The OP kindles love and doesn't extinguish it. It's just that easy.


AND THERE IT IS!!!!!!

i have to say this describes my wifes situation perfectly.

she so in the fog. occasionally when she comes out (dont ask, but shes healing)
shell say that the OM cant compare to me on so many levels. she says im better than him in this and that..yet she still had the affair...i told her she has a lot to prove to me when it comes to that kinda thing..

but its right. 3 yr old. new house, differnt work schedules...and my wife has always had self esteem issues...and the OM who was married at the time and having his own problems saw that, and pounced...used the pity me thing, the we have so much in common thing...now hes destroying 2 families..and with excepttion of height....hes a chud....


i keep telling my wife that there are million women whod want a man like me, esp. now that ive lost weight and gotten in shape...

interesting side note..been talking to the OM's ex. she gives me all the dirt on him, how hes not really romantic, hes kinda selfish and has self esteem issues of his own...but all my wifes sees is the good stuff he presents, the fantasy...

man will she get her bubble burst!!!


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

after reading the last posts here, i may add:

in simplest terms i see that the worlds best marr'd person(s)
are: the most SELFLESS loving persons u'd ever wanna meet or ever could meet on/in this earth.

and an affair prone person is: one of the most SELFISH unloving
persons u'd ever wanna or ever could meet on this earth.

sure, there are some extenuating circumstances, some cases of "good/bad soil" that permeate both examples listed above.
yet it is these "circumstances" that cloud our view/thinking based on our capacity for empathy/sympathy but in the final analysis
of things/life.......

.......i stand by my simplistic conclusion.

Jesus was the epitome of God.....God IS Love...........!:iagree:

Shalom_______________ray:______________


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

notreadytoquit, you beat me to the punch! I, too, saw what Mutt Lange cheated on Shania with, and had to ask WTF?!?!

I don't think that people are looking for gorgeous, handsome and more successful-I think they are looking for "easy".


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## TruthSetsYouFree (May 10, 2011)

F-102 said:


> notreadytoquit, you beat me to the punch! I, too, saw what Mutt Lange cheated on Shania with, and had to ask WTF?!?!
> 
> I don't think that people are looking for gorgeous, handsome and more successful-I think they are looking for "easy".


Agreed! I was discussing this with a male friend last night. He said something to the effect of "I wouldn't cheat on my wife or girlfriend unless it was with someone worth it, meaning a more beautiful woman." I told him that it's easy to think or say that. Logically, why would you choose to risk your relationship with someone who was "less" than your partner? HOWEVER, that often isn't what happens as evidenced by Mutt Lange, the Governator, Tiger Woods, and Jesse James to draw on more recent public-eye examples.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Affaircare said:


> Affairs aren't even "romantic"--it's all fantasy...100%!!


:iagree::iagree:


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Like someone said before: Ugly chicks have to work harder in bed


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## Mrs1980 (May 6, 2011)

*Re: Posted in another forum but interested to see replies here - re: men "affairing d*



Jellybeans said:


> The chicks my ex-H was messaging on the dating site seriously made me feel like a Sports Illustrated model.  I think I'm pretty attractive and was very happy to see they were mostly trolls. They were just not anything I would imagine he'd be into. The one he cheated on me with, not bad looking, but had that whole SKANK vibe going on for her and lots of pictures doing shots and dancing on the floor and kissing different men in her pictures talking about what a good Christian woman she was, that she'd never hur tanyone. . Also she has a LTR boyfriend.


OMG-JellyBeans we MUST live in the same city! 
The chick my husband has been flirting w/ at work has to be the same. She's not bad looking but dresses like a complete *****-and thinks she 23 not 35! Her Facebook is pix of her with tits out to China and diff dudes...I don't want to give my anynomity away but let's just say at work she TRIES to make everyone think she's Chrisitian...I called her ass out of that lie. And she has a LTR boyfriend too!


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## Fenella (Jan 27, 2010)

Totally agree with this. I remember at MC my DH said that the OW and I were complete opposites.

Turns out she has a criminal record for assault, dishonesty offences, theft etc etc so YES we are opposite because I am a good person and she clearly is trash. At one point while in the fog he said "not all of those convictions were true, she only has 7 or 8". WTF are you kidding me???????????

I explained that when you google a person's name generally you won't find the average person popping up as a well known search but she does because there are that many newspaper reports about her etc.

So yeah he affaired down and as we are reasonably well off she thought he was her meal ticket to the "right side of the tracks".


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Wow, thanks for making me feel a LOT better this morning. 

However, how does it play in when the OW is an ex? I would like to think that he hit the lotto when he found and married me, and obviously I had to be better than the past loves, because he chose to marry and have children with ME. You think he downgraded still when he went back to her? I think it's a matter of reliving his youth, and the shine will wear off soon enough. She's skankalicious.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mrs1980 said:


> OMG-JellyBeans we MUST live in the same city!
> 
> Her Facebook is pix of her *with tits out to China *and diff dudes...I don't want to give my anynomity away but let's just say at work she TRIES to make everyone think she's Chrisitian...I called her ass out of that lie. And she has a LTR boyfriend too!


:rofl: Love the bolded part. Yep, they are prob long lost sisters.



Fenella said:


> Turns out she has a criminal record for assault, dishonesty offences, theft etc etc so YES we are opposite because I am a good person and she clearly is trash. At one point while in the fog he said "not all of those convictions were true, she only has 7 or 8".


 See now, this would be funny if it wasn't so serious. LOL.



LonelyNLost said:


> However, how does it play in when the OW is an ex?


Idk, Lonely but a LOT of times the OM and OW are an ex or someone from the past. I agree it may be that there were unresolved feelings or no closure or the fact they may feel transported back to a time when life was carefree w/ their ex/former flame though the reality is, it's not based on their current life. It may be the past they are trying to recapture but don't realize the past and present are like night and day. Who you were at 16 isn't who you are at 35, ya know? (and other ages, just using that as an example).


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Idk, Lonely but a LOT of times the OM and OW are an ex or someone from the past. I agree it may be that there were unresolved feelings or no closure or the fact they may feel transported back to a time when life was carefree w/ their ex/former flame though the reality is, it's not based on their current life. It may be the past they are trying to recapture but don't realize the past and present are like night and day. Who you were at 16 isn't who you are at 35, ya know? (and other ages, just using that as an example).


I think he definitely feels that whole carefree thing, just look at how he's abandoned all responsibilities except visitation with his kids, because that's "fun time". Hence the anger when he realized I wasn't footing his bills. Wake up call! It's all fantasy, especially with her living so far away. He isn't the same guy at 35 that he was at 17. Just like I'm not the same girl at 32 that I was at 18 when we met. Hell, I'm not even the same person I was 6 months ago. 

I'll just sit back and watch the trainwreck.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> Just like I'm not the same girl at 32 that I was at 18 when we met. * Hell, I'm not even the same person I was 6 months ago. *


:rofl:


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## TruthSetsYouFree (May 10, 2011)

I agree with the previous posters regarding the instances when the OM or OW is an ex. I think that a lot of it has to do with reclaiming ones youth. It seems a lot of people look back at their younger years through rose tinted glasses - the memories are much prettier than the reality was. The cheater and the ex ended for a myriad of reasons, but the bottom line is the relationship ended. If the cheater was the one who was "left", reconnecting with an ex may be a form of vindication or even validation. After all, I think as humans we are all slaves to our own egos. But I also think that in most circumstances where the OM/OW is an ex, it's still often an "affair down". I look at my SO's ex-es and... well... I am definitely more of a catch! Not to say that these people don't have their own positive attributes, but if my SO went back to them, it'd definitely be an "affair down". I think I mentioned this before, but even the CEO of that despicable website AshleyMadison conceded that most of the men who use his "services" admit that the women they affair with definitely aren't as attractive as their wives/girlfriends. As a PP commented, it doesn't seem to have much to do with looks at all.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

TruthSetsYouFree said:


> I agree with the previous posters regarding the instances when the OM or OW is an ex. I think that a lot of it has to do with reclaiming ones youth. It seems a lot of people look back at their younger years through rose tinted glasses - the memories are much prettier than the reality was. The cheater and the ex ended for a myriad of reasons, but the bottom line is the relationship ended. If the cheater was the one who was "left", reconnecting with an ex may be a form of vindication or even validation. After all, I think as humans we are all slaves to our own egos. But I also think that in most circumstances where the OM/OW is an ex, it's still often an "affair down". I look at my SO's ex-es and... well... I am definitely more of a catch! Not to say that these people don't have their own positive attributes, but if my SO went back to them, it'd definitely be an "affair down". I think I mentioned this before, but even the CEO of that despicable website AshleyMadison conceded that most of the men who use his "services" admit that the women they affair with definitely aren't as attractive as their wives/girlfriends. As a PP commented, it doesn't seem to have much to do with looks at all.


I'd say the person they married is a better catch, because well they kept us (until they decided to be unfaithful and lose us, haha). I've never met this chick, but whenever someone sees her picture they always tell me she looks like a skank and I'm much more appealing. 

H broke up with her after they were together for 2 years in HS. She told him one day when his mom was very sick, that he couldn't control what would happen with his mom, and he needed to pay more attention to her (gf) or he'd lose her. He dumped her and they cut contact. He says she hated him the rest of high school. 

She probably sought him out, it definitely looks like she pursued him, while rubbing it in my face by posting things on his facebook wall. She just ended her second marriage, so she must be looking to reclaim her youth. I'm just not going to take it personally. The one thing H hasn't done is put down me as a person in any of this. I know I'm a catch. And he'll regret losing me. But for now, he's a different person and I'm running the other way. It also looks like she cheated on her H, who admitted to me that he was cheating on her repeatedly, but it was okay "because they were over for awhile." 

Classy people, huh?!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

TruthSetsYouFree said:


> I agree with the previous posters regarding the instances when the OM or OW is an ex. I think that a lot of it has to do with reclaiming ones youth. It seems a lot of people look back at their younger years through rose tinted glasses - the memories are much prettier than the reality was.


Also, another thing that plays into the "rose-tinted glasses" is that in your youth and at 18 (or whatever age), there was no responsibility. The affair partners probably didn't live with the OM or OW or have bills to pay, a house to run, children to raise, that one same argument that happens over time, fussing about the daily grind. So really their relationship was probably just going to the fair and parks to eat cotton candy and making out. Zero responsibility. SO they get nostalgic for a feeling and a time in their life where there were no responsibilities. It wasnt a "real" relationship in terms of what a marriage is.

Loved your entire post, btw.


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## TruthSetsYouFree (May 10, 2011)

Jellybeans, you are absolutely right! Really what I believe affairs all boil down to - or at least have as their foundation - is a combination of fantasy and ego. In regard to what you wrote, there's the fantasy of how easy and carefree life was before bills and jobs and responsibilities that "plague" the adult world. Perhaps people who affair with an ex from their distant past believe life would be different with this other person who symbolizes a time when the biggest concern was whether or not to go to the big kegger that weekend. But in truth if these two people were to embark on a relationship with one another again - leave their spouses and start a life together - they soon discover those same adult problems will follow them. Reality always shatters fantasy because reality and fantasy cannot exist in the same spot and eventually reality always wins. Affairs are about escape and once that gilded patina wears off, cheaters often find they are in more or less the same reality. Just with a new co-star and a slew of extra baggage.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

TruthSetsYouFree said:


> Jellybeans, you are absolutely right! Really what I believe affairs all boil down to - or at least have as their foundation - is a combination of fantasy and ego. In regard to what you wrote, there's the fantasy of how easy and carefree life was before bills and jobs and responsibilities that "plague" the adult world. Perhaps people who affair with an ex from their distant past believe life would be different with this other person who symbolizes a time when the biggest concern was whether or not to go to the big kegger that weekend. But in truth if these two people were to embark on a relationship with one another again - leave their spouses and start a life together - they soon discover those same adult problems will follow them. Reality always shatters fantasy because reality and fantasy cannot exist in the same spot and eventually reality always wins. Affairs are about escape and once that gilded patina wears off, cheaters often find they are in more or less the same reality. Just with a new co-star and a slew of extra baggage.


:iagree: GREAT POST!


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## TruthSetsYouFree (May 10, 2011)

Thanks LonelyNLost! This whole issue has gnawed at me ever since I was 15 and first discovered that my father had cheated on my mother. And that was just one of the handful of times he did. I eventually saw several of the other women and couldn't fathom what he saw in them - none of them were nearly as beautiful or intelligent as my mother (and I promise I am not being biased in saying that). Eventually I started to discover that it really had nothing to do with my mother at all - that the fault was with my father and his issues with ego, insecurity, what-have-you. These other women were merely a means to an end. They were insignificant and interchangeable. In fact, with the last one my mother finally hired a P.I. The P.I. discovered the woman was also married (as seems to often be the case) but she had rented a separate apartment in which she conducted affairs with not just my father but three other men as well. And she was not beautiful or classy or sexy. But she had deceitful, disturbed and damaged down in spades!


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## michelleM68 (Jan 22, 2011)

my H OW (EA) is far less attractive, mean-spirited, selfish and GOSSIPY. she has nothing i want. she just knew how to inflate his ego. i tell him if your going to have an affair-dont' pick gossipy women.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

An old friend of mine, a woman, divorced her hubb after years of serial cheating by her. Her ex is dating/living with a woman who's absolutely different from my friend. Day and night. My friend is nervous high strung health nut eating disorder. The ex's new GF is short and heavy-ish, bright wide smile, happy, enthusiastic, touchy-feely.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I've noticed something weird.
The LeAnn Rimes/Eddie Cibrian affair.
When they got together, her then H, Dean Sheremet, had no real career at the time, and was pretty much living off of her. Eddie, on the other hand, was a successful actor. She must have seen that as a much better deal than Dean.

2 years later, Dean is a successful chef at a posh NYC restaraunt and seems to have landed on his feet and is doing very well, while Eddie is unemployed at the moment (he got written off of CSI Miami-rumour has it that the network was getting some nasty hate mail about him), and once again, Rimes is the sole breadwinner in her marriage. And have you seen her lately? She looks haggard and like she just got out of a POW camp.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

LeMann Rimes looks horrid.

I strongly feel Dean (her first hub) is gay. And have for a long time.

That said, Eddie is definitely mooching off her. And she has gotten thinner and thinner and all she does is talk about how she doesn't feel bad for the affair and is constantly justifying the affair and saying things like "What's wrong w/ loving my husband." You can tell through everything she says she is very insecure as a person and feels she has to talk up the marriage to Ed in order to deflect people calling her & him out on their "homewrecking."


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

How much of a harpy do you have to be to have Brad Pitt leave you for a certifiably insane self cutting incestuous nutcase? I mean she's hot and all that but really? Jennifer Aniston is no hose beast. Not even by Hollywood standards. She must have the personality of a industrial laser. And look who he picked? Someone who just might take a dump on you in bed. Or stab you.


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## TruthSetsYouFree (May 10, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> How much of a harpy do you have to be to have Brad Pitt leave you for a certifiably insane self cutting incestuous nutcase? I mean she's hot and all that but really? Jennifer Aniston is no hose beast. Not even by Hollywood standards. She must have the personality of a industrial laser. And look who he picked? Someone who just might take a dump on you in bed. Or stab you.


The Brad Pitt/Jennifer Anison/Angelina Jolie saga is probably the ONLY example I can personally think of where the guy "affaired up" but only in terms of looks. Jennifer is a beautiful woman for sure, but Angelina Jolie is (physically) gorgeous. HOWEVER, that seems to be the only thing he "affaired up" in. Obviously not knowing any of these people personally, it's hard to say for sure what Brad found more appealing in Angelina than he did in Jennifer besides, perhaps, sex appeal. I will say that it seems to me Brad has gotten weirder and weirder since he's been with Angelina.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> LeMann Rimes looks horrid.
> 
> I strongly feel Dean (her first hub) is gay. And have for a long time.
> 
> That said, Eddie is definitely mooching off her. And she has gotten thinner and thinner and all she does is talk about how she doesn't feel bad for the affair and is constantly justifying the affair and saying things like "What's wrong w/ loving my husband." You can tell through everything she says she is very insecure as a person and feels she has to talk up the marriage to Ed in order to deflect people calling her & him out on their "homewrecking."


She has to prove to everyone that she made the "right" choice-even if it takes a toll on her health.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

What about if they "affair up"- What then?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> What about if they "affair up"- What then?


Nothing, really, except maybe the way you choose to torture yourself over it. You have still been betrayed, lied to, and had your heart broken.

The factors remain the same. The affair didn't break your marriage. The affair happens because your marriage is already broken.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Nothing, really, except maybe the way you choose to torture yourself over it. You have still been betrayed, lied to, and had your heart broken.
> 
> The factors remain the same. The affair didn't break your marriage. The affair happens because your marriage is already broken.


Sometimes a marriage isn't broken. Sometimes it has cracks exposed in the foundation, and the affair just becomes the force that breaks it in half. Was the marriage perfect? No? With life comes responsibilities. A lot of times the cheating spouse is looking for a way out of reality and a way into a fantasy world free from responsibilities. And it becomes the straw that broke the camel's back. 

In any circumstance, though, it takes two for a marriage to work and two for a marriage to fail. Responsibility for maintaining that union falls on both parties. In no case should the loyal spouse feel like less of a person because their spouse cheats. Ever. Because no matter what you've done or not done, vows are vows. Speak up if you're not happy. Don't "act" like things are fine and then justify your actions by saying you grew apart or some other load of BS.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> How much of a harpy do you have to be to have Brad Pitt leave you for a certifiably insane self cutting incestuous nutcase? I mean she's hot and all that but really? Jennifer Aniston is no hose beast. Not even by Hollywood standards. She must have the personality of a industrial laser. And look who he picked? Someone who just might take a dump on you in bed. Or stab you.


I don't get why that makes the abandoned woman a harpy.why does it mean she has the personality of an industrial laser? maybe it means he's just a complete a$$hole.


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## TruthSetsYouFree (May 10, 2011)

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> What about if they "affair up"- What then?


This isn't nearly as common, but it does happen. I think should this be the case, it'd be hard for the person who was cheated on not to take it even MORE personally than they already do from the mere fact that they were betrayed. If it seems like the cheater "affaired up" then it's likely the betrayed spouse will start to wonder "was I not pretty/handsome enough? Why wasn't I good enough?" Personally speaking, the few times I was cheated on, I was relieved that the other people weren't that good-looking. It softened the blow somewhat.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> I don't get why that makes the abandoned woman a harpy.why does it mean she has the personality of an industrial laser? maybe it means he's just a complete a$$hole.


He IS the one who cheated, so yeah. But let's face facts, a man (or a woman) is confronted with certain realities. Do I stay with this rich beautiful goddess and put up with her stuff or do I bolt for someone who's hotter and crazier? That's a lot of high maintenance you'd have to be sick of before you bolted, no matter who he or she was no matter who you are. 

BTW "America's Girl Next Door" never remarried, never been in a stable monogamous relationship. Everyone she's ever dated cheated on her if we believe the tabloids. There's GOT to be a basket of mad squirrels behind those eyes somewhere. 


But you're right some men are just a-holes. Tony Parker for instance. Cheated on Eva Longoria? That's retarded divided by zero. That makes no sense in any universe.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Nothing, really, except maybe the way you choose to torture yourself over it. You have still been betrayed, lied to, and had your heart broken.
> 
> The factors remain the same. The affair didn't break your marriage. The affair happens because your marriage is already broken.


I used to buy into that. Then I woke up. Between her therapist, her friends, her family, my family, our friends, etc, etc.... telling both of us it was her and her finally admitting our marriage was not even close to as bad as she made it out to be I realized that this statement might be true for the majority, but no even close to 100% of affairs.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Here's my thought... When someone has an affair, they're looking for someone to fill a particular need that for whatever reason, they don't feel is being met in their marriage. Maybe that's sexual, maybe they want someone to make them feel respected, maybe they want someone to make them feel wanted.

But they may not be dissatisfied with the way their spouse looks, so having someone more attractive isn't necessarily on their radar. After all, they may not be looking at ending their marriage, just supplement it.

Option B is that "less attractive" people are more susceptible to someone else.

C


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Because they're lazy and mediocrity is easy to find?


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

-bump from the dead-

I've been cheated on in all of my relationships so far. These were not emotionally independent or stable women btw. Every single man/woman they cheated with was in one way or another lesser than me somehow. Be it that have been better looking at the time, I was betrayed for immature boys, alcoholics, drug addicts, idiots, and jerks. These relationships were short lived at best and almost all of these women tried to come back at some point. 

My wife for example, a school teacher with very catholic values, left me, a professional and hardworking military vet, for an immature emo, marijuana addict who drinks like a fish, smokes like a chimney, works as a low wage fry cook, and has no future other than a failed rock band ahead of him. To be honest I feel bad for her having nothing but a failed relationship with or without a deadbeat dad ahead of her. 

Just recently and without knowing I was the OM in a one night stand (they were bf and gf). Believe me, I feel terrible about this and did not plan on this, I would apologize if I could. Being on the other side of the relationship I can share that it was all about emotional vulnerability and comfort. The cheater is looking to have a fling and reasons to justify their decision as "I deserve this" or "I can get away with this". Makes me sick realizing that I could be used in such a situation. Rest assured I will not sell my integrity and knowingly be a cheating partner in the future.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Actually, I did. I affaired down. But I did not realise it until afterwards.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Actually, I did. I affaired down. But I did not realise it until afterwards.


Details?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Nsweet said:


> Details?


She was not as pretty as my wife, nor was she a particularly nice person.

There's nothing else to add, really.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

PBear said:


> Here's my thought... When someone has an affair, they're looking for someone to fill a particular need that for whatever reason, they don't feel is being met in their marriage. Maybe that's sexual, maybe they want someone to make them feel respected, maybe they want someone to make them feel wanted.
> 
> *But they may not be dissatisfied with the way their spouse looks, so having someone more attractive isn't necessarily on their radar. After all, they may not be looking at ending their marriage, just supplement it.*
> 
> ...


this makes a lot of sense.

But also, don't forget, it's not always that the WP is looking to have the ego stroked. they may rather be looking for challenge and feistiness. I've seen in a couple places where guys have said that they are"looking for someone who has sarcastic humour (just in general, not particularly as an affair partner." Okay, my fiance's EA was feisty and from the messages that I read between them, rather rude at times. It does make you wonder how do you keep up that kind of tension so that he won't look for it elsewhere.

but anyway, this does explain why looks may not be important in seeking out an affair partner.


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## Going Mental (Apr 8, 2012)

Sorry if I'm jumping in at the end and this has already been discussed on this post.

I was wondering what the exception is about affairing-up? What does that mean?

In my experience of watching others who have had affairs, the OW/OM has been similar in looks, possibly even better looking (personalities...another subject completely).


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Going Mental said:


> Sorry if I'm jumping in at the end and this has already been discussed on this post.
> 
> I was wondering what the exception is about affairing-up? What does that mean?
> 
> In my experience of watching others who have had affairs, the OW/OM has been similar in looks, possibly even better looking (personalities...another subject completely).



Maybe this is stuff that no one wants to discuss. Like maybe the OM or OW has more money; gave them a job or a promotion; in addition to looking like Jane Fonda or Paul Newman in their heyday.

It might also be someone's defense mechanism ie, I'm better than that.

I subscribe to beauty is in the eye of the beholder and try to look at what need is the OP serving.

For me, on the one hand, I could see from a social media site, that my fiance's EA who was not even 30 was fretting about losing 50 pounds. But, I did see a few photos of her that showed that she had a nice smile. 

but it all depends on what one wants and what they perceive each one to have. If my fiance was concerned about having kids, one would think that the 30 something would be more attractive than the 50 something. but then she's 50 pounds overweight, which is not good for fertility. and according to her FB wall, she had to have gall stone surgery last year. So youth is no guarantee for health or even fitness.

I thought maybe as all 3 of us are American, he may have thought marrying a white woman would be easier when going back to the US than marrying a black woman. But apparently that doesn't seem to be an issue.

In the end, I think it was personality. And I think he did come to terms that while it maybe fun in small doses, that it just wasn't sustainable. But I also don't like these "special" relationships and she has since been totally excised from our lives.

Was my fiance affairing up or down? For me, it's not an easy yes or no answer.


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

*Re: Posted in another forum but interested to see replies here - re: men "affairing d*



Lilyana said:


> Maybe some of these cheating H's feel the need to downgrade because they feel in the shadow of their spouses.
> 
> If you are a successful woman, with a good head on your shoulders, I think its more likely that a husband will cheat. Just because they feel inferior to them, and they like to feel manly. So they downgrade to get that manly feeling from the OW perhaps.
> 
> Just a thought?


You nailed this one for my situation!
My WH has admitted to feeling like "less of a man" with me. He is attracted to yet intimidated by my confidence, career and independance.


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