# Avoiding joy for the fear of joy?



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I don't know where to post this. I guess men with similar thoughts would exist somewhere around here.

I subconsciously avoid positivity, joy, fun, excitement and sometimes sex for fear of 2 things:

1. The inevitable end
2. The predictability

There might be other reasons, but these 2 stand out every time I want to commit myself to an act that is meant to be rewarding.

I realize this is easily diagnosable as a form of depression, but knowing that is just not satisfying enough.

I'm a visual person. Everything gets visualized in my brain and run through multiple times before it actually happens. Of course, I rely on my predicting abilities for this and unfortunately (really unfortunate) I'm quite good at predicting the level of joy, hence totally spoiling future experiences for myself.

Example:

I think of traveling to Barcelona:

Naturally I should be excited and feeling joy. I do for very very short moments, but for the most part, I can easily visualize and perhaps 'feel' being in Barcelona and the level of satisfaction that I'm going to experience. Finally I take the actual flight and arrive in Barcelona. Not only was I totally accurate on my assessment of 'self' in the new setting (Barcelona+activities), I often find myself having been overly forgiving of the possible annoyances in my imagination. At this point, because the original level of joy was already predicted and perhaps 'felt' to a degree before I even set foot in Barcelona, the inevitable annoyances that would normally be ignored gain significance. This ruins things.

This was just an example. I go through this with every little thing. Even eating a sandwich follows the same trend.

Sometimes, the 'aftermath' or the 'ending' of joyful events causes incredible levels of hesitation in me. I fear the ending more than I invite the beginning and duration. It sucks.

Just wanted to get this off my chest and in writing for future reference.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say you probably have a high I.Q. 
Are there any MENSA groups in your area? you should surround yourself with people of similar intellect. Or.. you could find some super crazy stuff to do like bungee jumping, or running with the bulls in Barcelona...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I know exactly what you mean because I do it too. I desperately try to "enjoy the moment" but truthfully feel I am just incapable of doing so because I have already run through the entire moment about a thousand times and now I am just exhausted and want it to be over. 

Sadly, this has been the case even on really big moments in my life - like my wedding day for example. Something you should probably be mentally present for. 

It got worse to the point where I could not control my racing thoughts and visualizing every possible outcome. 

I had a bad time when I became suicidal over this. My brain did not turn off and I could no longer stand to get out of bed. I felt like I sucked the happiness out of everyone around me. 

I got help and was put on meds for anxiety and depression. The meds have helped. The thoughts are still there but they are whispers now and I can ignore them when I choose to. It gave me the ability to pause the train and divert my mental energy onto something else.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Ah ... you're caught up in spectating your life rather than actually living or participating in it. 


The armchair psychologist in me would suggest that you learned the behavior somewhere along the line, probably when you were young, probably in response to getting, or not getting something from those you interacted with, parents, teachers, peers.

Fear is likely wrapped up in the equation somewhere. Fear of disappointment, fear of success ... after all you don't have to be worried about being disappointed with an outcome if you can get to the disappointment before the outcome.

I have had similar experiences to what you describe over the course of my life. Much less so now than 20 years ago. In terms of disclosure I'm also diagnosed ADHD. Not saying you are, but ... you may want to consider ruling out mitigating factors other than you over-think things rather than just experiencing them.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I've done this.

It comes from two places.

1) in childhood it wasn't safe to feel joy because it would be taken away from you.

2) when you grow up in chaos it's essential to learn to predict what's coming next. Great coping mechanism for childhood not so great for living your life to the fullest as an adult.

The cure for me was therapy. 

What I do now is reassure myself that I'm safe to feel joy and I've trained myself to not 'pre-plan' my life so much. The chaos is over so there is no need to live every event in my head before it happens.

I've not been able to completely stop the pre-planning but I have slowed it down A LOT. I work to control my thoughts and if there is something fun I'm about to do I don't think about it much beforehand. This frees me up to enjoy the event fully because I haven't already done it in my head. 

Takes some practice but it can be done. Recently I took a trip and I purposely did NOT think about it beyond what to pack or things to do like stopping the mail. 

I stopped myself from imagining what it would be like, stopped picturing myself there, stopped all the images from entering my brain, all of it. And it worked. I was able to enjoy the trip because I hadn't already played it out in my head because I knew it wasn't necessary. Nobody was going to steal my joy without my permission.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I love this take on it:


Deejo said:


> Ah ... you're caught up in spectating _(speculating)_ your life rather than actually living or participating in it.


Try to give that up. Watch “Yes Man” (pretty dumb movie, but the context is like that). Another is “Chaos Theory” (affair related, so triggery for some). “Larry Crowne”... lots of movies about stepping out of comfort zones and experiencing life and what it might bring. Basically guys who just decide to embrace whatever comes at them and accept it rather than trying to point their way down the path they think might bring them their happiness. When you do, you start finding joy in the strangest of places you couldn’t predict or would have thought might be unpleasurable or uncomfortable. 

For me, it was just letting go of ‘how I should feel about this’ and going with “how I am feeling”. I also stopping talking myself out of stuff because of whatever reasonable excuse I came up with. Basically I stripped myself back down to my own morals and ethics; If it fit within it, why not try it? No longer do I talk myself out of stuff, I spend that energy doing stuff instead.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> I've done this.
> 
> It comes from two places.
> 
> ...


Not being in control. Fearing the loss of joy and the pain that comes with it. Coming to terms with the fact that its fleeting..but so is pain, sadness, etc. cant experience 1 without eventually the other. Detach from it, the fear of what will be, what will/might happen. Just live it... let it be...whatever your experiencing or feeling. Whatever it is eventually will pass...Believe whatever does happen is for the best. That its for a reason and that reason is ultimately good for you and everyone else.


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