# Is it normal for one spouse to restrict internet access?



## sunshine&rain (Aug 26, 2012)

For example, one spouse has found a thread (not TAM) where the other has asked for advice about their difficulties.

The spouse then decides to block access to that site, citing that they don't like their "personal business" to be discussed, even though it was anonymous?


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## lou (Apr 22, 2011)

Rather controlling... Having an adult conversation about it is one thing, but BLOCKING the website? Jesus. It's called "parental controls" not "spousal controls".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Seems a bit much, although my wife has a view that nothing should be discussed outside the house. And I'm sure she considers anonymous sites like TAM "outside the house".


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

The idea of it made me LOL.

I can understand a person not wanting personal information spread around the internet and the spouse posting could leave details that might give a clue about who you are in real life.Someone who knows you might be able to put the pieces together and realize it's you.

But what happened to having a reasonable discussion about it?Who goes and blocks a site from their spouse??That's something you do to your 13 year old not your husband or wife.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I believe anyone has the right to get support from anyone or anywhere they want to. Good for you for reaching out. Many people just suffer in silence.

You as an adult, should be able to visit what sites you want for support.

He is wrong to block your support site & I wouldn't stand for it.


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## kate542 (Jul 25, 2012)

It's controlling which is a no no, I'd just carry on ignoring this.

The one thing I would say is that a person should be security conscious and not give personal information out on the internet it would not be wise.YOu need to use common sense when using these sites.
If you have serious marriage issues these sites are not the way to go you should be taking professional advice.
These sites are for a good old grumble and to get things off your chest.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I'd find it controlling. It's something you do to a child when you catch them on a porn site or some other inappropriate website. But between two adults who are in a relationship? Sounds like one is trying to control the other. I wouldn't like it if it happened to me.

I'd prefer to discuss the issue and reach a decision we both can agree to. On any website, don't give out information that would identify you and use different usernames for different sites.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Unblock it....and tell him you're grown.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I'd find it ridiculously controlling, and if this spouse felt this way, then blow the whole thing open...and talk about it .....if he or she doesn't like it, and continues to stick their head in the sand in the face of these relationship troubles... they are headed down a very ugly path with each other. 

Some people are hyper private..to the point of paranoia...If they had any clue how many similar couples face the same issues as they.... they'd realize it would be like finding a needle in 100 haystacks on the internet, some need to get "real"... this is hardly a betrayal. 

Would they rather their spouse talk to a co worker & confide in them...an anonymous forum is by far the safer path...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It is not normal. What is the spouse afraid of? Knowledge?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Would they rather their spouse talk to a co worker & confide in them...an anonymous forum is by far the safer path...


Exactly. Would this spouse prefer that the other one talk to family or neighbors or close friends who know them? At least on a large website that has visitors from all over the world, no one knows who you are unless you choose to reveal it to those who post.


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## phlliphethe (Dec 25, 2012)

Someone who knows you might be able to put the pieces together and realize it's you.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I did it to keep my wife from e-mailing and chatting with an ex-boyfriend. Blocked Facebook for a year and a half, his e-mail address and monitored phone records. I don't give a fvck how controlling she or anyone thinks it was. That sh1t isn't going to go in in my marriage.

Posting on TAM is a different situation, however


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I'd find it ridiculously controlling, and if this spouse felt this way, then blow the whole thing open...and talk about it .....if he or she doesn't like it, and continues to stick their head in the sand in the face of these relationship troubles... they are headed down a very ugly path with each other.
> 
> Some people are hyper private..to the point of paranoia...If they had any clue how many similar couples face the same issues as they.... they'd realize it would be like finding a needle in 100 haystacks on the internet, some need to get "real"... this is hardly a betrayal.
> 
> Would they rather their spouse talk to a co worker & confide in them...an anonymous forum is by far the safer path...


Ex was totally controlling - he didn't want the facade to come tumbling down. Everything was 'our business' and not anyone else's. He didn't understand that girlfriends talk (with a certain level of respect for the spouse).

Not cool for adults but if there are issues, MC would be in order. Ask the spouse to join, too. Several couples here are interested in a form of moderating by posting to each other.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I would be more concerned as to why my partner had the need to seek advice from others, rather than discussing the issue with me...

However, I don't see anything wrong with someone seeking anonymous advice from a support forum, but there has to be something wrong, surely, with a partner attempting to prevent the other partner from doing so.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> I would be more concerned as to why my partner had the need to seek advice from others, rather than discussing the issue with me...


Its not always the best thing. Sometimes, one can be too close or emotionally invested in an issue. Like a medico trying to treat her/himself. A second opinion can be helpful.

My ex didn't like my discussing our issues with even close family or friends. Viewed it as being disloyal. Same for MC. Some people are extremely private, but not everyone works this way.


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## sunshine&rain (Aug 26, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> I would be more concerned as to why my partner had the need to seek advice from others, rather than discussing the issue with me...


Believe me I have tried, but it isn't possible. I get met with defensiveness first, even if I explain that I'm not accusing.

Then the fact that I'm "mad" and having "mad thoughts", followed by shouting, then putting fingers in ears... and I just can't break down the wall.

The reason that led to the blocking, I was very, very careful to not mention anything else but the specific problem. I left out any identifiable things, so even though I was a regular, I name changed, and no one could/did recognise me. It was a website for mums.

I think he is angry that this website mentioned a site that some users husbands were on, one where prositutes advertise, and you have to register to contact them. I'd never heard of it, but out of curiousity I put my husband's email into it, NEVER expecting it to be accepted, but it was. He explained he joined this site, after seeing a 19yr old prostitute, that "intrigued" him, so he joined to see her naked! He was angry that I found out, and hates the website for it. He said if I'd never found out, we'd be happier.

To make matters worse his adult son is coming to stay. His son who he 'shared' the photos of this 19yr old with... for them to have a laugh behind my back. Even more galling, his son will be allowed to use the PC to browse the internet & play games... I'm quite peeved about this, why should he, when I've been restricted? 

I've begged my husband to unblock but he won't. I have no way of doing so. He also hasn't blocked porn sites - surely if he blocks sites for 'mums' he shouldn't be able to look at naked women?


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

lou said:


> Rather controlling... Having an adult conversation about it is one thing, but BLOCKING the website? Jesus. It's called "parental controls" not "spousal controls".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nonsense. It's totally normal to treat your wife like she's a daughter. Deep down, I think most of us have a fantasy about having a daughter that we can have sex with..... 
Actually that sounds weird. Maybe treating a sex partner like a child is a bit on the creepy side.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I'm actually amazed that he feels in a position to even think that he has the right to behave this way. How did this dynamic evolve, OP?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> he is angry that this website mentioned a site that some users husbands were on, one where prositutes advertise, and you have to register to contact them. I'd never heard of it, but out of curiousity I put my husband's email into it, NEVER expecting it to be accepted, but it was. He explained he joined this site, after seeing a 19yr old prostitute, that "intrigued" him, so he joined to see her naked! He was angry that I found out, and hates the website for it. He said if I'd never found out, we'd be happier.


Your H is a lying, cheating piece of dung and HE would be happier if you couldn't "prove" it!



> To make matters worse his adult son is coming to stay. His son who he 'shared' the photos of this 19yr old with... Even more galling, his son will be allowed to use the PC to browse the internet & play games... I'm quite peeved about this, why should he, when I've been restricted?


You're only "restricted" if you allow yourself to be!



> *I've begged my husband *to unblock but he won't. I have no way of doing so. He also hasn't blocked porn sites - surely if he blocks sites for 'mums' he shouldn't be able to look at naked women?


It would be a COLD DAY in HELL before *I* begged my H to TREAT ME LIKE AN ADULT!

You can continue to PLAY BY HIS RULES and receive MORE of the same treatment, if *THAT* is your choice. OR you can change the rules.

1.) Buy yourself a NEW laptop and have them password-protect it at the store!

2.) Take the current computer monitor out to your car, take it to a friend's house, and REFUSE to return it until your H wises up. You could also just take ALL THE POWER CORDS to the computer and give them to a girlfriend for "safe keeping"; but those are cheaper, easier to replace.


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## confused_in_ca (Nov 20, 2012)

sunshine&rain said:


> Believe me I have tried, but it isn't possible. I get met with defensiveness first, even if I explain that I'm not accusing.
> 
> Then the fact that I'm "mad" and having "mad thoughts", followed by shouting, then putting fingers in ears... and I just can't break down the wall.
> 
> ...


Whoa. That is not right. I have had a similar issue with my spouse in that I cannot bring up some things with him or talk about our problems with others either. This is my only outlet and joined because I needed a 'sanity check'.

Sounds as though he is projecting his guilt onto you now. His bad behaviour is NOT your fault. Something I have seen but not in that form.

Let the issue cool for a bit, then bring it up again.

Also, if he can block it you can unblock it.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

And can't YOU block the porn sites? But this doesn't solve anything. 

How does he think he has the authority over you? Since when does your PARTNER.... who is supposed to cherish and love you.... get to be the authority in the relationship?


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

ShawnD said:


> Nonsense. It's totally normal to treat your wife like she's a daughter. Deep down, I think most of us have a fantasy about having a daughter that we can have sex with.....
> Actually that sounds weird. Maybe treating a sex partner like a child is a bit on the creepy side.


Maybe in your reality it is normal, but in my reality my wife is my adult partner in all things and I have no fantasies whatsoever about intimate relations with a daughter. Furthermore my children grow into adults and though I will always feel a special bond with them, once adult I relate to them as adult to adult.


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