# Can relationships that start with cheating last?



## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

Hello i recently went through a terrible break up.. We were dating for almost 6 years and in the middle of june my ex started talking to some guy and going for walks..I didn't catch on till the end of the month. And found out she had been seeing him and when confronted she said I'm sorry i didn't think it would be this hard and left me. I still love her dearly and forgive her for what she did. Now they are together saying they love each other and stuff. Am i stupid for thinking it won't last? I'm doing everything i can to move on..but its hard just things remind me of her ect..I just wanna know your opinion. Do you think they will last? We had good communication. I honestly had no idea she was unhappy. She didn't tell me nor her family. Her family is still in shock that we broke up and that she's already seeing someone else. So i wonder if all this is gonna last or is she going to come back months down the road..


*UPDATE*
So...Today I was going through my email and i forgot i have saved a link to this site..well after reading it..I feel embarrassed for myself 3 years ago. I don't even know if any of the people who commented this are still on but i'd like to update all of this. 

So since all of that good stuff from my first post. Life has been Fantastic to me went school got a degree and found a new love. Now we have a little girl together and i couldn't ask for more in life.

As far as ex goes. We talked briefly a year or so after she cheated. Said she was sorry but I don't know if i believe her or even care. We all make choices and that's OK. I forgave her long ago and moved on.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

It is the early stage of discovery for you and you are still in denial. You need to stop thinking about her and start working on yourself. How do you know what they say to each other? Are you stalking her on facebook? STOP DOING THAT. NOW.

Thank your lucky stars that she is gone and you didn't get married. Ask yourself this question: would you like to live the rest of your life in constant fear? You are in love with the idea of her that never existed in reality. Even if they don't last, don't take her back. She is not worthy of your devotion.

Read the 180 and do it. She doesn't respect you. Do you respect yourself? If not, then now is a good time to start.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

You're asking for odds that the relationship between her and the new guy will fail and she'll come back to you and successfully reconcile?

Who cares if the odds are 2% or 20% or 90%?

Anything's possible. 

I wouldn't wait around to see. 

Figure she's gone, go ahead and live your life and who knows maybe you'll hear from her in the future but don't count on it.

That way you have nothing to lose and you're not putting your life on hold for a woman who chose some other guy over you.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I have seen statistics that state only about 3 percent of marriages make it if it was conceived in an affair to begin with. I am guessing that after 6 years she got tired of waiting for you to ask her to marry you?

It seems that she was sexual while still with you so you should get checked for STD's. Move on and don't look back. Good luck.


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

No nothing crazy like that. Her brother and I were very close still close friends and he was disgusted on how it ended. He told me that they were saying that already. I sent her a couple of messages on how i felt. I still loved her and forgave her. And if she wanted time fine she could have it i only want her happy. It just sucks cause she can't give me a straight answer on why she didn't talk to me.


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

See i was gonna ask her this year to marry had the ring and everything was just waiting till our anniversary. But i don't know everyone here seems right i should just move on and what ever happens happens.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

I'm going to be honest with you. Marriage won't fix this. She made up her mind to walk away from you. Make up your mind to do the same. You do not need her nor do you need the grief of that relationship.

Move on. Your letter you sent that tells her how you feel... unless it was a ya know, I really love you but wow I didn't know that you'd be such a tramp. I'm glad you left. I was actually thinking about marrying you but I'm going to go find someone who is worth it letter, don;t bother.

Don't be seen as weak. You are strong brother so be strong.


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

Lol no it was a nice letter. didn't want to burn all the bridges down. My friends did that when they locked her out of her email and my sister threatened to beat her ass. But on a good note i think he's insecure cause he texted me threating to kick my ass and break my fingers. I reply'd cool story and thank you for your number dumbass.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

What's the diff.---relationships come and go

As long as you didn't do this legally---you can move on----she obviously has---so its time for you also to seek whatever it is you need elsewhere

Just know this---she either fell out of love with you---or was never that strong into you---or didn't wanna spend her life with you----

that is enuff to tell you to stop your yearning, and move on


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

sirc0c0nut said:


> But on a good note i think he's insecure cause he texted me threating to kick my ass and break my fingers. I reply'd cool story and thank you for your number dumbass.


Ya'll sound like a real mature group with a lot of accrued wisdom. 
But here's the thing my man. Your relationship with this chick went down hill because you weren't doing the right things. If you were the relationship would have continued to improve rather than her running off with another guy. 
Let me tell you why your odds of winning the lotto are better than getting her back despite your begging and pleading. 
She remembers all the crap you did that turned her off in the first place. Why would she want to come back to that.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

It's OK that you wrote her. It's OK that you still love her. It's OK that you have forgiven her. ......................................................................IT is NOT OK if she come back in to your life in any way shape or form. Only bad things will happen if you want her back or let her back into your life. Trust us on this. Life is too short to make all of our mistakes

Tell her, Bye Bye! I have a new and wonderful life ahead of me, Bye!


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

Thank you everyone for the responses. No idea how much it means to me to hear someone elses opinion.. Been pretty much handling this on my own. Got threw this month cause i started working out and actually got into a wind turbine school. so i got something to work hard for.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

sirc0c0nut said:


> Am i stupid for thinking it won't last?


No. You're not 'stupid' for thinking this. Statistically, relationships beginning as cheating have less than a 2% chance of lasting long term (going through marriage, til death do they part in 50 years)



> We had good communication. I honestly had no idea she was unhappy


If you had "good communication" she would have "communicated" to you that she was unhappy. Obviously communication on HER end was amiss. Also, she may not have communicated her "unhappiness" to you because she _wasn't "unhappy" with you_. In other words, you may have been a wonderful boyfriend, but she may believe she found someone MORE 'wonderful'. It's like, getting the benefits of a job. Your job might offer you 4 weeks paid vacation. But your new job might offer you 6 weeks paid vacation. It's not that there's anything 'wrong' with 4 weeks paid vacation; it's just that getting _*6 *_weeks vacation is 'better'. 



> So i wonder if all this is gonna last or its just a thing she is going threw and *in a few months she might open her eyes*


Even if her new 'relationship' doesn't last, it doesn't mean that she will 'open her eyes' to realize that she truly wants to be _with *you*_. It might open her eyes to see that she can do "better" than you. 

I know that a lot of people are telling you to "get over it". But if you've been in a relationship for almost 6 years, you can't just "get over it" in a matter of weeks, or even months. 

Give yourself some time to grieve, and STAY OFF OF SOCIAL NETWORK SITES! The worst you can do is to 'stalk' her to see if she's 'happy'. 

Vega

Vega


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)




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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Thank God you dodged that bullet. She didn't wait anytime, because she replaced you, before she even notified you. Here is the thing, this is her modus operandi and would have happened eventually. Do yourself a favor and cut all ties now. If you beg, plead, profess your love all you are saying is that you are weak and hopeless. No woman wants such a man and that probably isn't the real you anyway. She sounds like the kind of person that constantly has to have that attention, you don't want to marry someone that is that selfish. Do yourself a favor and move on.


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

VFW said:


> Thank God you dodged that bullet. She didn't wait anytime, because she replaced you, before she even notified you. Here is the thing, this is her modus operandi and would have happened eventually. Do yourself a favor and cut all ties now. If you beg, plead, profess your love all you are saying is that you are weak and hopeless. No woman wants such a man and that probably isn't the real you anyway. She sounds like the kind of person that constantly has to have that attention, you don't want to marry someone that is that selfish. Do yourself a favor and move on.


Sounds about right. But ya just gotta move on.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I know it is hard cowboy, it seems almost insurmountable right now, kind of like eating an elephant sandwich. But you know how to eat an elephant sandwich? One bite at a time, it ain't easy but in time you will get by. In the mean time, exercise is a good way to help relieve the stress and make for a healthier you. Also don't sit at home and contemplate it all, go do things. If you have a hobby, invest more time to it now. If you don't have one, try something you have always wanted to do. This is a good way to meet new people and makes for a more interesting you. I wouldn't go looking for new women right now, but wouldn't shy away, just play it by ear. In time you may want to look at relationship books as well, to make you prepared for the next time around.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sirc0c0nut said:


> Lol no it was a nice letter. didn't want to burn all the bridges down. My friends did that when they locked her out of her email and my sister threatened to beat her ass. But on a good note i think he's insecure cause he texted me threating to kick my ass and break my fingers. I reply'd cool story and thank you for your number dumbass.


Report him to the police. 

And put him on Cheaterville.

And, yes, sometimes relationships founded in cheating _can_ succeed. 

But why is that concerning you? Do you think: "Well, if she and he make a go of it, at least my heat did not get broken for nothing?"

Or do you think she'll be back to you?

Don't. Heal yourself and find someone else.


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Report him to the police.
> 
> And put him on Cheaterville.
> 
> ...


Ya i'm working on trying to heal. Trust me i'm doing everything i can to not think about it. But ya i still love her..gonna take time to get over that. But thinking about it more and more i'm not sure if i would take her back even if she came back.. As much as i know i want it. I just don't think it would be healthy. She would have to be very sorry. but even then. I already come to terms that she isn't coming back. This is what i tell myself and push it to the back of my head. Just gonna take time i guess.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

I think most of the difficulties people face in moving on from traumatic experiences in life come from pining away for 'what we had' or 'what used to be'.

The sad fact is there is NEVER any going back in this world. Things simply cannot be undone. There is no way possible to go back to what your relationship was before.

This would be true even if she came back to you. The old relationship is dead forever and there is no way of resurrecting it.

I've seen a lot of BS posters on here saying how they just want their old spouses and relationships back like they were before the A. They fail to realize that this is an impossibility. In fact, many will refuse to accept it even when other experienced TAMers try to point out this fact to them.

I guess a good analogy in life would be those people who want the country to return to like it was in the 1950's or the years before 9/11 (whatever their own idealized period in the past is). This simply can never happen. Things like the civil rights or women's movement or the terrorist attacks on New York/Washington cannot simply be undone. The nation can never be like it was before. We can go forward and deal better with the changes these events have brought about, but we will never simply return to the way things were.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

sirc0c0nut said:


> *See i was gonna ask her this year to marry had the ring and everything was just waiting till our anniversary. *But i don't know everyone here seems right i should just move on and what ever happens happens.



Well, lucky you! Better to find out now than after the marriage. She did you a favor. She showed her true colors.

And why would you want to stay or marry someone who could cheat on you? That's a question you better have a good answer to. 

Given her history, and you know her history, if you do marry her, you deserve all the pain and damage that will visit you. If so, look at it as a deliberate life lesson you want to endure.

Better if you're wise enough to avoid her now.


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

aug said:


> Well, lucky you! Better to find out now than after the marriage. She did you a favor. She showed her true colors.
> 
> And why would you want to stay or marry someone who could cheat on you? That's a question you better have a good answer to.
> 
> ...


Ya i have her blocked on FB and everything else so she really has to try to see anything i do. Cleaned out the room and whatever was left here of hers got donated to goodwill. Only good that came from this is ya i got into a good school and got hit literally by a truck in the middle of july and the guy ended giving me 5grand cause he felt bad for everything. Didn't even ask for anything from him i was in shock and didn't even know what to say to the guy when he showed up at my house.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

According the stats, only 3% of relationship that start by cheaters last. 

I'll bet good money that she will come back to you. Not as plan B but with the realization that she threw away a diamond for a lump of coal. 

I hope you have moved on and you don't take her back. If she cheats after just 6 years, then she will cheat again. She will be sure you love her more than she loves you so she risk nothing. if their are children and a mortgage, it would be more painful to move on. 

If you take her back, you will never trust her again, you will be surveilling her all the time, waiting for the next shoe to drop. Plus she will not respect you. 

It is painful now but you are fortunate you found out before you were trapped in a marriage with her. She would be cranking you around big time. 

Do you want to live like that? You love the person she was before she cheated. That person is dead. Morn her, but don't look for her in the changeling.


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> According the stats, only 3% of relationship that start by cheaters last.
> 
> I'll bet good money that she will come back to you. Not as plan B but with the realization that she threw away a diamond for a lump of coal.
> 
> ...


No we didn't have any kids. We lost our baby Feb..only got to hear the heart beat once..I imagine that is some of the issues she has too. we mourned and talked about it. but its only been what 6 months and still get very emotional talking about it. I wanted that baby so bad. But now that all this has happened i wouldn't want to put the baby threw that even if we had it. I can't imagine how she feels or whats going on in her head anymore. Like people say the old her is gone and i just need to mourn and move on. But to me I have a big loving heart. If she honestly needed help wither i took her back or not. I know i couldn't say no to that. I was there when her grandma died the one who raised her. Then 1week later her house burned down to the ground and she had nothing. And i did everything i could to replace what she lost and stuff. She has no GED,no job and no License and that didn't bother me. SO her lost i accepted for her and not what she had or didn't have.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Dating is the job interview for marriage and she failed.

Be happy you had this happen now not after the marriage.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

A lot of people quote the "3%" thing... Has anyone actually seen a study to go with that? And maybe something that compares that to "non-affair" relationships. After all, if you date 24 people before you find your life-long spouse, you're at 4%... Not exactly great odds either.

C


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

theroad said:


> Dating is the job interview for marriage and she failed.
> 
> Be happy you had this happen now not after the marriage.


lol love it.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

sirc0c0nut said:


> No nothing crazy like that. Her brother and I were very close still close friends and he was disgusted on how it ended. He told me that they were saying that already. I sent her a couple of messages on how i felt. I still loved her and forgave her. And if she wanted time fine she could have it i only want her happy. It just sucks cause she can't give me a straight answer on why she didn't talk to me.


Did she ask for forgiveness ?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

sirc0c0nut said:


> Ya i'm working on trying to heal. Trust me i'm doing everything i can to not think about it. But ya i still love her..gonna take time to get over that. But thinking about it more and more i'm not sure if i would take her back even if she came back.. As much as i know i want it. I just don't think it would be healthy. She would have to be very sorry. but even then. I already come to terms that she isn't coming back. This is what i tell myself and push it to the back of my head. Just gonna take time i guess.


Feelings and love grow over time. Only rational that they take time to go away. She turned off her feelings for you for quite some time(when in relationship with you) and got good at it. No wonder she moved on so easily. You too will move on and it will not make your love any less valid.


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> Did she ask for forgiveness ?


No nothing like that yet. We haven't really talked or anything. I'm giving her space that is what she wanted. No much else i can do.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Put him on cheaterville.com..................he earned it all by himself, and then he wants to be a pr!ck???????????????


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> Feelings and love grow over time. Only rational that they take time to go away. She turned off her feelings for you for quite some time(when in relationship with you) and got good at it. No wonder she moved on so easily. You too will move on and it will not make your love any less valid.


ya i think so too. I wish she would of just talked to me..but whats done is done and can't be undone.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

sirc0c0nut said:


> They guy has made plenty of threats and he knows where i'm at. I told him he can come over anytime and i'd be ready for him. I won't go looking for trouble but if it comes to my door i'll gladly meet it.


She hasn't been with him a month already she is messing with him and he is jealous of a man SHE just left! Think about that for a minute. She is already putting him down and comparing him to you and he is ticked off. Dude you don't have to punish him, she is going to make his life soooooooooooo miserable. All you have to do when he drives by is smile and say SUCKER!!!!!


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## ScubaSteve61 (Mar 20, 2012)

As far as I know, my ex fiancé is still married to the guy she cheated with and left me for. That was 2005. Don't hold your breath, man.

Move on, find a new woman. They're out there. Consider this one a bullet dodged. 

I know it hurts, and I know you're going through exactly what I went through. You're hurt. You're upset. You spend most of your waking hours wondering and hoping.

I wasted that time, you don't have to. Move on, brother. You've seen what she's REALLY like. Thank God you didn't get married yet...


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

sirc0c0nut said:


> I sent her a couple of messages on how i felt. I still loved her and forgave her. And if she wanted time fine she could have it i only want her happy.


You can't nice her back to you. It never works. In fact, telling her that you forgive her and that you will give her time, makes you appear weak to her. It causes her to lose respect for you and that makes you all the more unattractive.

But, I agree with the other posters. So what. She's done you a favor by showing you who she is before you married her. If she is willing to show you - believe her.


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## ScubaSteve61 (Mar 20, 2012)

badmemory said:


> You can't nice her back to you. It never works. In fact, you telling her that you forgive her and that you will give her time, makes you appear weak to her. It causes her to lose respect for you and that makes you all the more unattractive.
> 
> But, I agree with the other posters. So what. She's done you a favor by showing you who she is before you married her. If she is willing to show you - believe her.


:iagree: A line I used in one of my many messages I sent was "I'll wait a day or a decade". 

Hindsight says that was one of the stupidest things I could have said.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Wife #1 cheated on me with her married history professor. They are still together, and have a kid. That's been 20+ years ago. 

Of course, he enjoys having her keep his balls in a vice.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

I don't think a relationship that starts with lies, betrayal and cheating will last very long. I know some do, but mostly I think they don't.

The OW my WS was in thinks their relationship will last through anything - that is if we don't make our marriage work. She is groveling/pathetic in emails but as far as I know he has not answered them unless he does so away from the home computer.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

They might last, they might not. Only time will tell.

I suggest you take every step possible o separate from her and move on with your life, no contact with her whatsoever.

It stings/burns but in time, you will be fine. And even thankful for the fact it went down the way it did because you will realize you are better off w/o her.


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

Dude. That is just awful. I am so sorry you are going through this. It's going to take some time, but you'll come to realize the woman you thought you loved didn't exist. She fooled you. You've dodged a major bullet here.

Regarding the OM, if he comes to fight you, as satisfying as it would be to kick the ever loving sh!t out of him, wouldn't it be much more satisfying to take the beating, call the cops, and put him in jail?


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

My fWW cheated on me two weeks after taking my ring. Who do you think she was thinking of when she promised herself to me? Not me. 

However, this is my last hurrah. And she says I'm hers. So we're going to make this work, if there's a chance in hell of us making it. 

So far, R is going well but yeah, it taints the whole damned thing. It coulda been so pure, which is what I sure as hell wanted. *shrug* Life hands you crap sandwiches sometimes. If you're hungry, you'll eat.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

doubletrouble said:


> My fWW cheated on me two weeks after taking my ring. Who do you think she was thinking of when she promised herself to me? Not me.
> 
> However, this is my last hurrah. And she says I'm hers. So we're going to make this work, if there's a chance in hell of us making it.
> 
> So far, R is going well but yeah, it taints the whole damned thing. It coulda been so pure, which is what I sure as hell wanted. *shrug* *Life hands you crap sandwiches sometimes. If you're hungry, you'll eat*.


You don't have to. If you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas.


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

badmemory said:


> You can't nice her back to you. It never works. In fact, you telling her that you forgive her and that you will give her time, makes you appear weak to her. It causes her to lose respect for you and that makes you all the more unattractive.
> 
> But, I agree with the other posters. So what. She's done you a favor by showing you who she is before you married her. If she is willing to show you - believe her.


Ya i didn't expect to nicer back into me, but doesn't mean i don't want her to know how i feel. But i sent those...at the beginning of July so thats done and gone imo. I'm working on moving on..But these dreams that i have..just don't help. lol


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> My fWW cheated on me two weeks after taking my ring. Who do you think she was thinking of when she promised herself to me? Not me.
> 
> However, this is my last hurrah. And she says I'm hers. So we're going to make this work, if there's a chance in hell of us making it.
> 
> So far, R is going well but yeah, it taints the whole damned thing. It coulda been so pure, which is what I sure as hell wanted. *shrug* Life hands you crap sandwiches sometimes. If you're hungry, you'll eat.


Your a big man for even giving her another chance. I feel like if she came back..i know i would say i can't do this and we would have to start all over. Cause i agree what everyone is saying. The old relationship died when she walked out that door. Her coming back would be very hard i know it would. But i think i would tell her no..but i'm not sure. we haven't had a face to face yet.


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

This quote kinda stuck with me. "I believe in second chances, but not everyone deserves them."


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

sirc0c0nut said:


> This quote kinda stuck with me. "I believe in second chances, but not everyone deserves them."


I too believe in second chances and I am having a hard time giving WS a second chance, but I am working on it.


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

pollywog said:


> I too believe in second chances and I am having a hard time giving WS a second chance, but I am working on it.


well at least you get one. I highly doubt i will get one or give her one.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

sirc0c0nut said:


> well at least you get one. I highly doubt i will get one or give her one.


I am not really sure I even wanted to give the second chance in this case and I realize it more and more everyday  I just don't think he is in it 100%


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

pollywog said:


> I am not really sure I even wanted to give the second chance in this case and I realize it more and more everyday  I just don't think he is in it 100%


Well maybe sit down with him and talk to him about this. It is obviously bothering you tell him how you feel and see where it goes. That is what i would do anyways.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

pollywog said:


> I am not really sure I even wanted to give the second chance in this case and I realize it more and more everyday  I just don't think he is in it 100%


I hear ya !!!

I've given my WH two chances (2009, 2013) as well and both times the reconciliation was a sham. 

I tried everything and he didn't put much effort into it.

My young niece said to me, "Aunt VH, it seems like Uncle WS has no heart and you have two."


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

John McCain left his first wife for Cindy McCain and they are still married. Same with Gingrich. So I guess some of these marriages work out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

It will not last. There'll be no trust!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

blah today is one of those days that suck. Its been about a month and today I saw a picture of us i randomly found in a dresser i was cleaning out. When i look at it i can't decide what hurts more. Being lied to and strung along, being cheated on or the fact that she loves someone else. All i want from her is a phone call a simple conversation on what happened where did it break down. I truely believed that she was my soulmate, my partner in crime, my bestfriend that i could tell everything too and i did the good and teh bad. Just seems the last 6 years was wasted for nothing.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

You will never get a straight answer from her on why she did what she did. Her goal is to keep the smokescreen up until the two of you are divorced so you will not cause her any heartache. You are an inconvenience to her at this point in the game. Nothing more.


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

LostViking said:


> You will never get a straight answer from her on why she did what she did. Her goal is to keep the smokescreen up until the two of you are divorced so you will not cause her any heartache. You are an inconvenience to her at this point in the game. Nothing more.


Well her brother got some answers out of her and i think she does fell alittle guilt but who knows.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

She is sorry she got caught and looks bad to friends and family. Even her confession to her brother is an attempt to garner sympathy for herself. 

"oh how could I....I am such a horrible person.....Sircoconut is such a good guy.....I didn't want to hurt him.....but what could I do....I love this Barney guy (or whoever)". Her friends and family will say "there....there, don't cry, you are really a good person at heart, you will get through this in time". 

Now she has turn this all about her and her act of betrayal is gone in an instant. I have seen this movie a hundred times man. Same movie, different actress.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

Sircoconut - We did have a chat Sunday and some stuff I believed and some not so much. I asked him why he wanted our marriage to work and one reason was "it is the right thing to do" however my counselor said yesterday it is the right thing to do unless he is doing it for the wrong reasons :-( I told him what my deal breakers are and he said "fair enough"

Veryhurt - I don't feel very trusting right now either. He is doing and saying the right things but I think it is all fake. I hate to feel that way, but deep down I think he is not 100% in it for the right reasons.


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

Well its hard i wouldn't know what to do pollywog. Just do what your heart thinks is right.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

sirc0c0nut said:


> Well its hard i wouldn't know what to do pollywog. Just do what your heart thinks is right.


He is not 100% in, proved that Thursday night. I got up and was going down the hall for some tylenol and looked in the room where computer is, saw he was in an email account we never had before so stood there and read the emai. OMG I was shocked! The OW is a nasty skank, She sent him some fantasy sex email then posted a vid and a pic of her going at it alone. Up close and personal pic to I might add. As my retinas were being burned out, I said Really? This is how you work on the marriage? He jumped sky high, closed the email and swung around in his chair. His skin was so thin I could see straight to his brain. He asked me how much I saw and I said all of it. Man I went off on him and my ******* background came out big time, horns popped outta my head and my eyes were shooting fire.

He of course said he did not know she was sending it, oh really, why even log into that secret email account and then why click on the email? He tried to rug sweep, blame me for everything he could think of. He kept saying I am so sorry I hurt you. Uh no you are not. You stopped the affair July 15th and was back to letting her email on the 22nd and now full blown online sex.

I threatened to go give her a good old fashion beat down, but of course I won't. His excuse is "well I don't get this at home" Seriously and you told me you needed that when? Told him he was free to have the trash but just remember she cheats with you she cheats on you. BTW, her email started off in reference to the text so he damn well knew she was sending it. He almost skipped up the hall after his shower, now I know why.

Realtor coming Tuesday and he said looks like you made your choice and I said nope you made your choice Thursday night which forced me to make this one. He will stall the sale of the house I bet and I will walk away foreclosure or not. I refuse to live my life with a skank in our marriage. 

I was able to save the vids and pics of her for I hope bargaining power in the divorce (not blackmail). Only thing is I do not have the one of them together because it is on the phone. 

Why will folks send stuff like that over the internet, OMG they will come back to haunt her in the future.

So basically heading for divorce. Doubt there is anything he can say or do to fix this. Gave him his second chance and he did not take it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sirc0c0nut said:


> Hello i recently went threw a terrible break up.. We were dating for almost 6 years and in the middle of june my ex started talking to some guy and going for walks..I didn't catch on till the end of the month. And found out she had been seeing him and when confronted she said I'm sorry i didn't think it would be this hard and left me. I still love her dearly and forgive her for what she did. Now they are together saying they love each other and stuff. Am i stupid for thinking it won't last? I'm doing everything i can to move on..but its hard just things remind me of her ect..I just wanna know your opinion. Do you think they will last? *We had good communication. I honestly had no idea she was unhappy. SHe didn't tell me nor her family.* Her family is still in shock that we broke up and that she's already seeing someone else. So i wonder if all this is gonna last or its just a thing she is going threw and in a few months she might open her eyes.


You need to realize that you two did not have good communications. She did not tell you what was going on with her. 

Your relationship was not what you thought it was. You are not in love with her. You are in love with who you imaged she was.

Knowing this should help you move on.


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

Ya i've already taken steps to move on and stuff. I've made no contact at all with her.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

sirc0c0nut said:


> Hello i recently went threw a terrible break up.. We were dating for almost 6 years and in the middle of june my ex started talking to some guy and going for walks..I didn't catch on till the end of the month. And found out she had been seeing him and when confronted she said I'm sorry i didn't think it would be this hard and left me. I still love her dearly and forgive her for what she did. Now they are together saying they love each other and stuff. Am i stupid for thinking it won't last? I'm doing everything i can to move on..but its hard just things remind me of her ect..I just wanna know your opinion. Do you think they will last? We had good communication. I honestly had no idea she was unhappy. SHe didn't tell me nor her family. Her family is still in shock that we broke up and that she's already seeing someone else. So i wonder if all this is gonna last or its just a thing she is going threw and in a few months she might open her eyes.


I am late to the party posting on this thread but wanted to mention a married couple I know whose marriage started as an affair. They've been married over 30 years.

The husband is one of my lifelong friend's dad. Dad starts an affair with his now wife when we were in junior high. He left his wife and four kids (my friend is the oldest of the four, we were 12 when her parents split over the affair) to marry his AP. I don't know if they are part of that small percentage who do make it but all is not well in paradise, never has been. Dad wasn't all too close to his kids to begin with and the affair and subsequent divorce made the gap wider. My friend is actually closer to her dad's AP/wife than she is her own dad. Friend's mom has never remarried but seems much happier than I ever remember her being while with her ex. 

As a side note, my friend also found out much later on her dad had behaved in a very disturbing manner with her girl friends when they were in high school, had propositioned at least a few of them from what she's been told. My friend was mortified when she found out. She and I didn't live in the same area by our HS days but she still felt she had to find out if he had ever acted inappropriately with me when I would visit during school breaks, etc. I felt - and still feel - terrible for her. 

Not saying people who cheat are perverts after underage kids, just wanted to point out while this couple has stayed together all these years, despite their affair, things haven't been hearts and flowers, sugar and spice. The cheater/dad has been nothing but scum in many ways besides cheating. He also still makes little to no effort with his adult kids and now grandchildren. His wife/AP of 30+ years does all the work in maintaining those relationships. She and the ex-wife get along well enough now to attend family events and the like. However, my friend's dad is still the a-hole I always remembered him being.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

Wow that is alittle crazy, but what "they" do now doesn't bother me anymore.. I've been going out every night and having fun. Meet a few people and haven't looked back.. If she came back I know i wouldn't take her back. She left me and cheated. I can forgive the cheat but not stupidity.


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

Just wanted to update. Been doing well..still have days that are harder than others, but over all getting over it. :smthumbup:


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Keep pressing forwards. You will be so happy six months from now that you will look back and ask yourself how you could have ever loved such a woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Let's be honest... SircNut... 6 year of dating. C'mon man! 

You were never married. You had no legal (STATE LAW) relationship. You were just a couple dating for a long time. 

ANY WOMEN OVER 21 DOES NOT WANT A DATE! THEY WANT A MAN.


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

RWB said:


> Let's be honest... SircNut... 6 year of dating. C'mon man!
> 
> You were never married. You had no legal (STATE LAW) relationship. You were just a couple dating for a long time.
> 
> ANY WOMEN OVER 21 DOES NOT WANT A DATE! THEY WANT A MAN.


Ya i know i had the ring and was gonna do it on our 6 year anniversary. I had talk to her family and everything..i didn't know there was a time limit on purposing. But it seems you have it all figured out. some one give this person a reward. person of the year right here.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Coconut

Focus on you not her. She is n your rear view mirror where she belongs.

Time is n your side so use it wisely.

And have fun replacing her. It won't be too hard.

HM


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> Coconut
> 
> Focus on you not her. She is n your rear view mirror where she belongs.
> 
> ...


Yup doing just that. Trying to not think about her and working on me..Dreaming doesn't help that though. lol:sleeping:


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

sirc0c0nut said:


> Ya i know i had the ring and was gonna do it on our 6 year anniversary. I had talk to her family and everything..i didn't know there was a time limit on purposing. But it seems you have it all figured out. some one give this person a reward. person of the year right here.


OK... So why couldn't you pull the trigger and propose earlier in the relationship? Shouldn't you or anyone know by now if it's real after 2 years? My guess is she got tired of waiting and moved on.


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

There are a few reasons..Her house burned down spent alot of time helping her rebuild her life..didn't matter she had no job or ged or anything i was there for her. that happened on our 2nd year then on our 3rd i had to stop working to help my sister get on her feet after she had my nephew we pretty much raised him. after i found a steady job and i was saving..but then she got sick and with no insurance i spent a ton paying that all off. she was there for almost 2weeks and had surgery and a few other things..this year being the 5th almost 6 i finally saved up enough and had gotten the ring and has saved enough for a small wedding..I don't know what else to say. I loved her and did everything i could for her.


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

So its been rough to say the least with this relationship but its gone now and not much i can do about it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

badmemory said:


> *You can't nice her back to you. It never works. *In fact, telling her that you forgive her and that you will give her time, makes you appear weak to her. It causes her to lose respect for you and that makes you all the more unattractive.
> 
> But, I agree with the other posters. So what. She's done you a favor by showing you who she is before you married her. If she is willing to show you - believe her.


I have to disagree from my personal point of view. I now realise that I *did* "nice" my wife back to me. 

Obviously, doesn't work in some cases, maybe not in most cases.


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> I have to disagree from my personal point of view. I now realise that I *did* "nice" my wife back to me.
> 
> Obviously, doesn't work in some cases, maybe not in most cases.


I "niced" her when we first broke up and she would just ignore me so i left it be. I sent her flowers to her moms house where she was at. But didn't get so much as a thank you or even a reply. It was like i didn't exist anymore and the 6 years of memories never happened.. people tell me all the time oh it will hit her after teh new wears off. But I'm honestly not sure.. she was so quick to replace me and move in with this other guy, but what can you do. I did all i could said what i could. Proved alot that i loved her but no avail so. I'm just in the process of moving on.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

sirc0c0nut said:


> I "niced" her when we first broke up and she would just ignore me so i left it be. I sent her flowers to her moms house where she was at. But didn't get so much as a thank you or even a reply. It was like i didn't exist anymore and the 6 years of memories never happened.. people tell me all the time oh it will hit her after teh new wears off. But I'm honestly not sure.. she was so quick to replace me and move in with this other guy, but what can you do. I did all i could said what i could. Proved alot that i loved her but no avail so. I'm just in the process of moving on.


Trust me, it will hit her and sometimes really hard. My EX is dating my old next door neighbor. He is the person I asked to testify for me in court. They actually started dating before we were divorced. My children tell me that my EX cries a lot. She doesn't understand why they, resent her so much but also I think she actually understands what a huge mess she made. It will hit her but you may never see it so don't hold your breath. The woman you knew, she is not the same person that is in that host body now. She may never return. Move on brother. I am so sorry you are here.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

RWB said:


> Let's be honest... SircNut... 6 year of dating. C'mon man!
> 
> You were never married. You had no legal (STATE LAW) relationship. You were just a couple dating for a long time.
> 
> ANY WOMEN OVER 21 DOES NOT WANT A DATE! THEY WANT A MAN.


Hey cheating is cheating. And if I knew then what I know now I am not sure I would ever have gotten married.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sirc0c0nut said:


> I "niced" her when we first broke up and she would just ignore me so i left it be. I sent her flowers to her moms house where she was at. But didn't get so much as a thank you or even a reply. It was like i didn't exist anymore and the 6 years of memories never happened.. people tell me all the time oh it will hit her after teh new wears off. But I'm honestly not sure.. she was so quick to replace me and move in with this other guy, but what can you do. I did all i could said what i could. Proved alot that i loved her but no avail so. I'm just in the process of moving on.


She probably had him before, as an AP. Sorry.


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> She probably had him before, as an AP. Sorry.


Maybe, actually i'm sure that's what it is..but whatever in time she's gonna realize what she did and how it looks on her.. So her loss not mine.


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

Drinking tonight shows me how muched i missed. I may miss her but there are plenty of other fish out here.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

sirc0c0nut said:


> Hello i recently went threw a terrible break up.. We were dating for almost 6 years and in the middle of june my ex started talking to some guy and going for walks..I didn't catch on till the end of the month. And found out she had been seeing him and when confronted she said I'm sorry i didn't think it would be this hard and left me. I still love her dearly and forgive her for what she did. Now they are together saying they love each other and stuff. Am i stupid for thinking it won't last? I'm doing everything i can to move on..but its hard just things remind me of her ect..I just wanna know your opinion. Do you think they will last? We had good communication. I honestly had no idea she was unhappy. SHe didn't tell me nor her family. Her family is still in shock that we broke up and that she's already seeing someone else. So i wonder if all this is gonna last or its just a thing she is going threw and in a few months she might open her eyes.


Odds their relationship will last? Zero.

Odds you should ever consider going back to her? Also ZERO.

Relationships that "start with cheating" are started with CHEATERS. That's a low odds proposition. Extremely low.

I admit (maybe I'm an azz), but I don't feel too much sympathy for the folks who come on this forum saying "I think my S/O is cheating......back story, we met when she / he was married to a guy / girl who treated her / him badly....we hit it off....etc., etc., etc. I NEVER expected she / he would do it TO ME!!!"

She started this new relationship by cheating on YOU. And you want her back? And expect different results?

You go to the "pound" and pick up a rescue mutt with a history of biting, don't be all shocked and chit when the dog latches onto your arm and takes your flesh...

Or, in your case, as my old man used to say...."the dog bites you the first time, it's the dog's fault. Dog bites you the second time, it's YOUR fault". (IOW, in case you don't get that, an unexpected "bite" by the dog is excusable on your part, and just shows it's a bad dog. You let the dog get close enough to bite you again, well, you're just not very bright.)


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

> Relationships that "start with cheating" are started with CHEATERS. That's a low odds proposition. Extremely low.


That is exactly what I think as well. However the OW that is involved with my spouse seems to think he will not cheat on her. My WS also seems to think this skank can provide the happiness he says he has been missing. She has had three husbands the last one cheated on her and she divorced him pronto, however she feels justified in having the affair and planning a future with mine. He is just as guilty as she is.


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

Agreed.. i know i won't be taking her back. plus i met someone tonight had a great time and stuff. So whatever to the cheating ex. She can have her lump of coal while the diamond is still here shining.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

My dad left me and my mom when I was 12. He never came back.

My mother thought that I should not date and wait a bit. By a bit my mother meant 2 or 3 years.. Incase my wife that I have been with for 19 years would suddenly clear her head and come back to me and the kids. Yes my wife left the kids as well.

Nonetheless my mom told me she waited for my dad hoping he would come back. My mother is 80 years old now and he is dead 10 years I think. He died alone with no one. Just what he deserved.

So nutshell my mother waited 30 years and he died. 

But sure wait around and be the runner up if you want. 

And when she leaves again just double the amount of time it took from the first time. 

Go to therapy.. Get some real friends to help you out here. 

If it wasn't for my friends and co workers and people here on TAM along with therapy I wouldn't have fixed myself as quick as I did.

Nutshell, it took me 8 months to truly move on from my 19 year relationship with 2 boys. 

Read Married Mans Sex Life Primer. Learn a little about yourself.. Fix yourself for that next new woman in your life


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

Wow hardtohandle that is rough. I know putting myself out there will help me get over her quicker.. well it has been. Only thing that gets me at night is when i sleep the dreams...that messes me up in the morning but i usually talk to a friend or someone and i'm usually good after that.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

sirc0c0nut said:


> Wow hardtohandle that is rough. I know putting myself out there will help me get over her quicker.. well it has been. Only thing that gets me at night is when i sleep the dreams...that messes me up in the morning but i usually talk to a friend or someone and i'm usually good after that.


Trust me I understand. I would wake up talking still having the argument in my dream or going over the thoughts I had before I went to sleep. It was as if I never stopped thinking about what was on my mind hours ago. I woke up crying.. It was absolutely horrendous and practically unbearable. 

But I survived, maybe not completely whole but I survived.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

sirc0c0nut said:


> See i was gonna ask her this year to marry had the ring and everything was just waiting till our anniversary. But i don't know everyone here seems right i should just move on and what ever happens happens.


Did you hear that whizzing sound the went by your ear.

That was the bullet you dodged. 

I know you're in pain. I know how much it sucks, but TRULY consider yourself lucky. Take some time for yourself. Work on yourself and then go find a woman who is ACTUALLY WORTH you!

Aside from my two AMAZING kids. I wish the bullet missed me on my first marriage. It was a total sham and joke. I was an ostrich.


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

Hardtohandle said:


> Trust me I understand. I would wake up talking still having the argument in my dream or going over the thoughts I had before I went to sleep. It was as if I never stopped thinking about what was on my mind hours ago. I woke up crying.. It was absolutely horrendous and practically unbearable.
> 
> But I survived, maybe not completely whole but I survived.


Ya the main dreams i have about what is going on is always me chasing her from room to room asking her the why she did this, Why didn't she talk to me ect..so annoying sometimes.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

So tell us about this little dish you met. Are you going to take her out again?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

BashfulBull said:


> So tell us about this little dish you met. Are you going to take her out again?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Its was going well till i found out her intentions..Long story short she's a gold digger.. Lol so i'm just gonna focus on school and just go from there. If someone comes along i'll take a chance if not..then after school finishes in a year i'll find another. Who knows just gonna stay single for a bit and go with the flow.


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

***UPDATE*****
It's pretty much a great feeling waking up and not thinking about my ex. I have met a few new people and just been going out and having a good time! School has kept me busy and helped a ton..So yay!


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Nice to hear that stuff..

Just be mindful of the triggers and just accept them and just go along for the emotional ride.. Not much you can do about it. 

Sept for me is bad month.. Every attempted affair revolved around this month which is our wedding month as well. So I accept that I am feeling down and mad and I tell my friends and co workers.. They understand and help me out dealing with my issues.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

sirc0c0nut said:


> Well her brother got some answers out of her and i think she does fell alittle guilt but who knows.


But has she ever expressed guilt or remorse to you? If not it means nothing. 

Put her in your rearview mirror and never look back.


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

LostViking said:


> But has she ever expressed guilt or remorse to you? If not it means nothing.
> 
> Put her in your rearview mirror and never look back.


OH i have. I have made no attempt to talk to her or anything..Though lately i've had a few dreams about her coming back and things like that. I hate those dreams throws me off for a few hrs.


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

Hard to see her and not think of things..saw her at the store today...so awkward.


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## Want2babettrme (May 17, 2013)

sirc0c0nut said:


> Hello i recently went threw a terrible break up.. We were dating for almost 6 years and in the middle of june my ex started talking to some guy and going for walks..I didn't catch on till the end of the month. And found out she had been seeing him and when confronted she said I'm sorry i didn't think it would be this hard and left me. I still love her dearly and forgive her for what she did. Now they are together saying they love each other and stuff. Am i stupid for thinking it won't last? I'm doing everything i can to move on..but its hard just things remind me of her ect..I just wanna know your opinion. Do you think they will last? We had good communication. I honestly had no idea she was unhappy. SHe didn't tell me nor her family. Her family is still in shock that we broke up and that she's already seeing someone else. So i wonder if all this is gonna last or its just a thing she is going threw and in a few months she might open her eyes.



She wasn't unhappy. She was and is selfish, dishonest, self centered and lacks respect for others. 

Wait, now that I think about this, she's very generous. She's given you the gift of showing her true self. Be glad you did not marry her.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

sirc0c0nut said:


> Hard to see her and not think of things..saw her at the store today...so awkward.


Did she talk to you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

sirc0c0nut said:


> Hello i recently went threw a terrible break up.. We were dating for almost 6 years and in the middle of june my ex started talking to some guy and going for walks..I didn't catch on till the end of the month. And found out she had been seeing him and when confronted she said I'm sorry i didn't think it would be this hard and left me. I still love her dearly and forgive her for what she did. Now they are together saying they love each other and stuff. Am i stupid for thinking it won't last? I'm doing everything i can to move on..but its hard just things remind me of her ect..I just wanna know your opinion. Do you think they will last? We had good communication. I honestly had no idea she was unhappy. SHe didn't tell me nor her family. Her family is still in shock that we broke up and that she's already seeing someone else. So i wonder if all this is gonna last or its just a thing she is going threw and in a few months she might open her eyes.


If she cheated with him, she'll cheat on him...

My MIL cheated on my FIL.. and she married her OM (funny huh?, like either of them respect what that's all about...) and of course, she cheated on him and now he's in therapy.. They are still together.. he goes to bed at 7pm and she is on so much medication she doesn't know which way is up. They are both miserable.


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## sirc0c0nut (Jul 27, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Did she talk to you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ya she said hi, and i said it back..but walked away..I just didn't couldn't whatever it was i wanted to leave that situation.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

VeryHurt said:


> pollywog said:
> 
> 
> > I am not really sure I even wanted to give the second chance in this case and I realize it more and more everyday
> ...


Niece rocks

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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