# Hurt



## Hurthart (2 mo ago)

I recently found out my wife was in an emotional affair over the internet and had plans to leave me. Those plans fell through so I guess I am the second choice. What would you do? This was six years ago. Nude photos were involved, she got caught and lied her way out if it.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

This makes you plan B. Don’t ever be plan B, it never becomes plan A.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

It's time for me to talk to a lawyer.

My limit is not the partner's desire to leave or the pictures.

When she starts dreaming of someone else, the marriage/relationship is over.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Hurthart said:


> I recently found out my wife was in an emotional affair over the internet and had plans to leave me. Those plans fell through so I guess I am the second choice. What would you do? This was six years ago. Nude photos were involved, she got caught and lied her way out if it.


Welcome to TAM @Hurthart. I’m going to be full of questions here.

What do you mean she lied her way out of it? Do you mean 6 years ago that you found nude photos or now?

How did you find out now? Did she confess?

How has her behavior been for the last 6 years?
Is she still pining after her lost love?

When did you find out? How was that confrontation?
What did she say about why it happened?

Biggest question of all is, what do you want to do? Besides undoing it all of course.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

You said you just recently found out. Have the two of you been able to sit down and talk about what happened and why it came about? Even though it was 6 years ago this might seem like it just happened as you have most recently found out. However, you have gone on since living as a married couple and she has not left in that 6 years. Do you feel that she loves you and that your relationship is stable at this point? Can you forgive her?


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

You came in Second Place.
I hope you don't want the prize.
You only have one real move.
Get your affairs sorted, Lawyer up, and have her served.
Do so coldly and without notice.
Really harsh her buzz.
At that point you will know what you have
If you want to stay together: Only consider it if she shows true remorse, does the work to fix her malfunctions (counseling), shows that she is willing to do the equivalent of walking through fire and crawling across broken damage to rebuild trust and repair the damage. To prove good faith, she should be willing to give you a postnup, favorable to you for any additional occurrence.
However, you probably would be better served packing it in.


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## Hurthart (2 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Welcome to TAM @Hurthart. I’m going to be full of questions here.
> 
> What do you mean she lied her way out of it? Do you mean 6 years ago that you found nude photos or now?
> 
> ...


I received a email from some woman that said there were nude photos of my wife on her husband's computer. I confronted her she denied it and said someone must have hacked her computer and like a loyal, trusting husband I believed her. I found out through her mother. I found out just two weeks ago. No, as far as I know the relationship is done. It is not the photos or the leaving, it is the mistrust and betrayal. No confession.


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## Hurthart (2 mo ago)

I found out about the photos like 5 yes ago. We are still married. More like roommates then married couple.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

At an absolute minimum I would do the following:


She agrees to write out a complete timeline, omitting NOTHING
She agrees to have the veracity of the written timeline confirmed by polygraf
She agrees to a post-nup favoring you should you choose to end the M
She agrees to 100% full transparency, granting you continuous access to all accounts, apps, location, etc. FOREVER
She agrees to telling all family members what she did, at least in broad terms

If she even hesitates to agree to all of these, drop D papers in her lap. She could _potentially_ stop the D process by agreeing to the above


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Hurthart said:


> I received a email from some woman that said there were nude photos of my wife on her husband's computer. I confronted her she denied it and said someone must have hacked her computer and like a loyal, trusting husband I believed her. I found out through her mother. I found out just two weeks ago. No, as far as I know the relationship is done. It is not the photos or the leaving, it is the mistrust and betrayal. No confession.


You have no confession, no remorse, no truth. You don’t have a marriage, you have a lie. 

It’s up to you whether you continue to live that lie or remove yourself from it and demand better.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Hurthart said:


> I received a email from some woman that said there were nude photos of my wife on her husband's computer. I confronted her she denied it and said someone must have hacked her computer and like a loyal, trusting husband I believed her. I found out through her mother. I found out just two weeks ago. No, as far as I know the relationship is done. It is not the photos or the leaving, it is the mistrust and betrayal. No confession.


So you found the pictures 5 years ago and your wife got away with it then.

Her mother ratted her out to you? How did her mother know about it?

Yes, lying and betrayal are the hardest things. What is your wife saying about this now? Is she fessing up or still denying?

Are you sure she was done with _everyone_ 5 years ago? Don't assume she’s been faithful since then. Especially since you are just roommates now.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Hurthart said:


> I recently found out my wife was in an emotional affair over the internet and had plans to leave me. Those plans fell through so I guess I am the second choice. What would you do? This was six years ago. Nude photos were involved, she got caught and lied her way out if it.


"I found out through her mother. I found out just two weeks ago. No, *as far as I know* the relationship is done. It is not the photos or the leaving, it is the *mistrust and betrayal. No confession. "*

This makes it really really bad. Because evidently everyone but you knew what was and has been going on. The real problem is you don't know what has actually been going on all of this time. And she wont be honest with you, so there is nothing to work with. 

And don't say it isn't the photos or wanting to leave. Those photos will make her an internet star until the sun grows cold. 

Since she is just a roommate anyway, I say you can get one of those any day of the week. Hire an attorney and move on with your life. Nothing to "save" here.


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## Hurthart (2 mo ago)

15 yrs married, no kids, thank God! I am 54 her 45. Her mother was part of the plan. They were going on a trip so her mother could look at ranch properties. That was a ruse. She was gonna meet up and stay there. Her mother backed out. Her mother has been recently diagnosed with cancer and had to tell me because she couldn't take it to the grave.


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## Hurthart (2 mo ago)

Been lied too for 6 years. God knows what else.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Hurthart said:


> Been lied too for 6 years. God knows what else.


That's exactly right.
And she doesn't love you. Or, at a minimum, loves someone else more.

Now what? Have you contacted a lawyer?

Are you going to end this charade?


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## Hurthart (2 mo ago)

Hurthart said:


> Been lied too for 6 years. God knows what else.
> [/QUOTE
> 
> 
> ...


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Please explain how you know there was no physical affair?

I find it very hard to believe that she decided to end her marriage for a guy she never slept with.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

I would go through her phone and computer. Look for texts, messages, photos and apps. Get everything!

She is guilty until proven innocent.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Hurthart said:


> Sorry, everyone. I don't mean to boo hoo. I just have no one to talk too. I had to tell someone or I was going to explode. I feel hurt, anger, worthless, betrayed, embarrassed, frustrated and many more feelings I don't know what to call.


You’re in good company here on TAM. Many of us have been right where you are. Stay engaged talking with us, asking and answering questions. TAM has a lot of people with a world of experiences. You will find help here.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

You said that you and your wife live like roommates, do you think/know that your wife is still seeing someone outside?

You should speak freely, no one will exclude you, if we have an opinion, we will say it, otherwise we will support your opinion.


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## Hurthart (2 mo ago)

bygone said:


> You said that you and your wife live like roommates, do you think/know that your wife is still seeing someone outside?
> 
> You should speak freely, no one will exclude you, if we have an opinion, we will say it, otherwise we will support your opinion.


Not sure. I am home during the week, but work 12 hr shifts on the weekends.I haven't seen anything to suggest there us anything going on now. We are not intimate at all. Sex is not the most important part of a marriage, but if your wife hasn't mentioned it in years you wonder. Her excuse is her fibromyalgia. I can't remember the last time we were intimate. 


CraigBesuden said:


> I would go through her phone and computer. Look for texts, messages, photos and apps. Get everything!


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

CraigBesuden said:


> Please explain how you know there was no physical affair?


Because she said so. /s


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Wow, what a family. The mom was in on it but now has a conscience? That is really strange. Sounds like she comes from a background where infidelity is accepted. Just unbelievable her mom was willing to act as a beard.
Since her family values are l I'm e this, I would bet this is not her first rodeo. It is, probably the only one her mom knows of.
You can do much better than this woman. Why be celibate at 54? I bet she is having sex with someone.

You will never get the truth from her. Just divorce her. You are not losing anyone of value.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, if she'd since been a good wife I'd suggest you make some effort.

But you have no kids and are roommates. What are you getting out of this? Clearly you're getting something or you'd be gone. Unless you're a train wreck a 54 year old guy can have plenty of options, especially if you're not looking for half your age. So many women your age are looking.

So why are you sticking around?


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## Hurthart (2 mo ago)

Hurthart said:


> Not sure. I am home during the week, but work 12 hr shifts on the weekends.I haven't seen anything to suggest there us anything going on now. We are not intimate at all. Sex is not the most important part of a marriage, but if your wife hasn't mentioned it in years you wonder. Her excuse is her fibromyalgia. I can't remember the last time we were intimate.


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## Hurthart (2 mo ago)

Megaforce said:


> Wow, what a family. The mom was in on it but now has a conscience? That is really strange. Sounds like she comes from a background where infidelity is accepted. Just unbelievable her mom was willing to act as a beard.
> Since her family values are l I'm e this, I would bet this is not her first rodeo. It is, probably the only one her mom knows of.
> You can do much better than this woman. Why be celibate at 54? I bet she is having sex with someone.
> 
> You will never get the truth from her. Just divorce her. You are not losing anyone of value.


LOL Yes, her mother has been married 4 or 5 times and always because the guy was an arsehole. I was brought up on a normal two parent parent family that stayed together till death. I take my vows very seriously because I proclaimed them in front of God and my parents. I admit I have a lot of flaws and did have a tiny part in the whole thing, but I would never turn to another woman for consolation. I guess you can't project your values to other people.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Hurthart said:


> I received a email from some woman that said there were nude photos of my wife on her husband's computer. I confronted her she denied it and said someone must have hacked her computer and like a loyal, trusting husband I believed her. I found out through her mother. I found out just two weeks ago. No, as far as I know the relationship is done. It is not the photos or the leaving, it is the mistrust and betrayal. No confession.


Yes it's the lying and deception that can be just as bad. Even when confronted with strong evidence she lied. 
What you do is up to you. How has she been since you found out the truth 2 weeks ago?


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Hurthart said:


> I found out about the photos like 5 yes ago. We are still married. More like roommates then married couple.


You don't have to stay married to be roommates.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you don’t want a divorce then the other option is continue as is because she certainly doesn’t sound like a candidate to rebuild a marriage.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

You’re in a sexless marriage with a selfish and remorseless cheater. For the love of god, get the hell out and live your life, you owe it to yourself.


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## Hurthart (2 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Yes it's the lying and deception that can be just as bad. Even when confronted with strong evidence she lied.
> What you do is up to you. How has she been since you found out the truth 2 weeks ago?





BeyondRepair007 said:


> You’re in good company here on TAM. Many of us have been right where you are. Stay engaged talking with us, asking and answering questions. TAM has a lot of people with a world of experiences. You will find help here.


Thank you, I feel better already. I just had to say it to someone.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Divorce now, you are her second choice/safety net. She is already looking again for your replacement.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Hurthart said:


> Thank you, I feel better already. I just had to say it to someone.


Good to hear. Sometimes it helps to just talk it out.

Let's us know what you decide to do. As you can tell, there is pretty much full agreement about what TAM thinks. But this is your life.


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## Hurthart (2 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Good to hear. Sometimes it helps to just talk it out.
> 
> Let's us know what you decide to do. As you can tell, there is pretty much full agreement about what TAM thinks. But this is your life.


Thank you for everyone's input. I will let you know what I decide.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Hurthart said:


> I received a email from some woman that said there were nude photos of my wife on her husband's computer. I confronted her she denied it and said someone must have hacked her computer and like a loyal, trusting husband I believed her. I found out through her mother. I found out just two weeks ago. No, as far as I know the relationship is done. It is not the photos or the leaving, it is the mistrust and betrayal. No confession.


Read Dr Minwalla’s treatise on the Secret Sexual Basement. It’s all about the mistrust and difficulty rebuilding, and doesn’t go easy on the betrayer.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

The difference between friendship and relationship/marriage is sex.

Of course, as the age progresses, there are some health problems and the number decreases (there are situations that cannot be done at all), but I still believe that physical contact is important in the expression of love.

your wife is 45 years old

It's not an age to put sex aside,

same goes for you

you don't have to leave

confront your wife and start talking about the problem

ask about his relationships, not recommended but offer a polygraph, to get her to talk

If you believe that there is no solution, your decision is already clear.

Even if what you write makes you think that the situation will not get any better, you should talk.

5+ years wasted and time is irreparable.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Hurthart said:


> Not sure. I am home during the week, but work 12 hr shifts on the weekends.I haven't seen anything to suggest there us anything going on now. We are not intimate at all. Sex is not the most important part of a marriage, but if your wife hasn't mentioned it in years you wonder. Her excuse is her fibromyalgia. I can't remember the last time we were intimate.


It really doesn't matter. You don't need to go through phones etc seeking more information. There is probably 10 times more you don't know than what MIL told you. But a dead marriage is dead whether murdered once or 100 times.

What you know from your MIL and your wife failure to confess tells you all you need to know. MIL and your wife are cut from the same crummy cloth. You don't need anymore information. And you don't really have a marriage, you have a liar for a "roommate". Go see an attorney and get the ball rolling. You honestly couldn't find a poorer excuse for a "wife". A dog would be a more faithful companion and you wont wonder who is sleeping with her while you are working 12 hour weekend shifts. The dog will love you unconditionally and wont cheat on you either.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

If it is certain that his wife is cheating, he can put an "var" or hidden camera in the house.

can check them in a few minutes when he gets back from work

There was no need to wait 5+ years. I thought something had changed recently and it was triggered.

That's the part he doesn't want to say


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

Hurthart said:


> I recently found out my wife was in an emotional affair over the internet and had plans to leave me. Those plans fell through so I guess I am the second choice. What would you do? This was six years ago. Nude photos were involved, she got caught and lied her way out if it.


Leave.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Hurthart said:


> I recently found out my wife was in an emotional affair over the internet and had plans to leave me. Those plans fell through so I guess I am the second choice. What would you do? This was six years ago. Nude photos were involved, she got caught and lied her way out if it.


so you took 6 years to post ?? What has happened over the last 6 years or did you find out recently ?

I agree with Craig. Tis went physical. What now ?


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Hurthart said:


> Not sure. I am home during the week, but work 12 hr shifts on the weekends.I haven't seen anything to suggest there us anything going on now. We are not intimate at all. Sex is not the most important part of a marriage, but if your wife hasn't mentioned it in years you wonder. Her excuse is her fibromyalgia. I can't remember the last time we were intimate.


so she cheated on you, gives you none ? Why are you still there ?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Hurthart said:


> LOL Yes, *her mother has been married 4 or 5 times and always because the guy was an arsehole*. I was brought up on a normal two parent parent family that stayed together till death. I take my vows very seriously because I proclaimed them in front of God and my parents. I admit I have a lot of flaws and did have a tiny part in the whole thing, but I would never turn to another woman for consolation. I guess you can't project your values to other people.


They were arseholes because they didn't like her boyfriends.

If your wife had confessed you might have something to work with, but she didn't. You have only got the tip of the iceberg. MIL told you just enough to ease her conscience, there is more.
Keep quiet and don't bring up any current questions or suspected people until you have had a chance to check phone records, emails, texts, etc. If you act suspicious and there is something going it will go underground and you'll have a helluva time getting any kind of information. This might help you in gathering information: Standard Evidence Post

The other, better option is to just leave. Not sure how you could ever trust her again with what you already know.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

My guess?

The MIL told you all the details because she wants you to dump her daughter.
Apparently, the daughter has told her mum that she is not happy, and that, the two of you have not been intimate in years.

Your wife will not take the initiative and divorce.
She is stuck on third base.

Mum wants the daughter to get a better life with a better man, someone who is not a roommate.
And, to do this, before your wife is too old to get a good man.

Any other answer is a lie.

My proof, they are both plotters and are accomplished liars.

I believe the mother has been toxic to your marriage from the beginning.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

wmn1 said:


> so you took 6 years to post ?? What has happened over the last 6 years or did you find out recently ?
> 
> I agree with Craig. Tis went physical. What now ?


He found out about the nude photos 6 years ago and believed his wife's story about the hacked computer. He only found out the truth recently from his MIL.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

The funny thing is that sex would not have been off the tablet for this guy otherwise why send nudes...brother I would be very direct with her that you view her as plan b and you are planning to look for plan a...even if you are not it does not matter you want her to know that you intent to replace her.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Leave.

She's still lying to you. 

She won't be intimate with you, she sent nudes to another guy, and she won't be honest with you even now. Just divorce her, and tell her exactly why. And it's not a debate. You can get out any time you want, for any reason, or no reason at all. 

Just tell her that her persistent lying to you about it is disrespectful and dishonest, and you can't be with someone who treats you like that.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She has fibromyalgia.

It certainly can be a debilitating disease.

It affects your sleep, your moods, memory and many other symptoms.

It can cause widespread musculoskeletal pain.

This could account for her lack of desire for intimacy.

How severe is it?
Is she taking medication for the pain?


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

SunCMars said:


> She has fibromyalgia.
> 
> It certainly can be a debilitating disease.
> 
> ...


Didn't stop her from planning to get intimate with her internet loverboy


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

She's probably had several affairs, either online or in person. This was just the one that she got caught doing. 

Have you told your wife that her mom confessed? Did she still deny it??


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

What a family she has? A culture of cheating. Run.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Hurthart said:


> I can't remember the last time we were intimate.


This above is reason enough to move on with your own life. 

The fact she was actively working towards a life with somebody else is not only the final nails in the coffin of your marriage but also shoveling dirt onto in the grave. 

You have your own life to live. Don’t let the death of your marriage stop you from living.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Hurthart said:


> 15 yrs married, no kids, thank God! I am 54 her 45. Her mother was part of the plan. They were going on a trip so her mother could look at ranch properties. That was a ruse. She was gonna meet up and stay there. Her mother backed out. Her mother has been recently diagnosed with cancer and had to tell me because she couldn't take it to the grave.


Desperate to get her ticket to heaven huh?


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Hurthart said:


> Her excuse is her fibromyalgia.


Is it the medication dulling her sex drive or the vaginal pain?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ah, that supposed, suspected, continual cheating.

Could be, may....be.

If she is still cheating, she is doing it for the emotional connection, the intimacy, the feel-good sex.
She is not doing it to monkey branch.

How can I say this?

She is ill, and has fibromyalgia.

She knows that no other man will likely take her on.... permanently.
For her, for her lovers, the intimacy is a plus.

For her, she has a stable home life, and a side lover to make up for the lack of intimacy at home.

At some point, her illness, and her advancing age and needs, will preclude any more cheating on her part.

She may be at that point already.

Do not assume, without proof, that she _still _has a side lover.

Chronic pain subdues that runaway passion.

Few men want to bed a cranky woman.

Cranky woman (those in pain) _likely_ do not have the patience for the interplay, the foreplay leading up to an affair.

The hotline from the mind to the vagina is broken by chronic pain.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

No other guy would hang around spending time on your wife for 6 years without sex. It was no doubt physical.

The fact that your wife still won't admit it, makes her a remorseless cheater... which are the worst kind of people.

Sorry that happened. Your only course forward is divorce.

Be ready for her try to suddenly do anything to keep her train on the tracks... don't fall for any of it.


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## jparistotle (Jul 10, 2018)

Hurthart said:


> Thank you for everyone's input. I will let you know what I decide.


Does you wife know you know? If not see a layer first. Organize your thoughts and what you want to do. Then if you are done with this farce, tell her you are buying a ranch without her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Hurthart You should contact a lawyer. And see about counselling. Why both? To cover all possible bases.


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## whammyface (5 mo ago)

She told you for a reason. She didn't up end your marriage willy nilly before she checks out. Could be a couple reasons she told you... I doubt its about guilt. And it makes no sense for this one event to be the reason the affair ended. Or end her plan to leave you. Your wife could have just disappeared from your house.... she didn't need to travel with her mom to disappear from somewhere else. And then what? Her mom comes back and plays dumb? That's actually a worse plan then just bouncing while you're at work. Na... there's way more to this story. Either way the other guys wife needs to be contacted and updated.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

Hurthart said:


> I recently found out my wife was in an emotional affair over the internet and had plans to leave me. Those plans fell through so I guess I am the second choice. What would you do? This was six years ago. Nude photos were involved, she got caught and lied her way out if it.


Dude, your wife was literally ready to monkey-branch into another relationship but Mother Nature did you a solid and broke the branch.

Now is the time for YOU to lay down the law.

Do it before she finds another sucker to monkey-branch to because... you do know she *will* right?


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