# Wife is friends with her ex on Facebook



## 2ndmarriage (Jan 23, 2013)

Here's my issue. I am about two years into my second marriage, I have two sons from my first marriage and my wife has a daughter that she adopted as a single mother. Our marriage is not perfect and we had hit a rough spot about three months ago. 

On the morning of December 31st of 2012 while I was on the way to spend the day with my sons I got a Facebook notification that someone went into my photos and wanted to tag themselves on a photo of my wife. I did not know who this person was but knew it was a FB friend of my wife. My first thought was that this was strange behavior and no big deal. But as I continued to think about it the more I really wanted to ask my wife some questions about who this was. 
The questions I texted to my wife was, who is this guy and why would he want to tag himself on a photo of you and our daughter? I also cut and pasted the FB message that I received that stated the name of the person that was requesting and that he was friends with my wife. She answered with “a friend that I dated in the past. He actually gave me some good marriage advice when I needed it”. Although this did answer one question it did not answer the other one and led to more questions. Like why would you solicit relationship advice from him? She did answer all of the questions that I asked that morning. We ended up having a face to face discussion about the situation and the way I felt. I told her that I had figured that he was an ex based on comparisons and comments that our daughter had made about “Mr. James” and myself. Other questions that were asked and comments that I made that evening were- Why would she go to him for relationship advice? She said she didn’t he contacted her. I told her that I felt that he had ulterior motives. She asked if I wanted her to unfriend him and I told her that I would not tell her that she had to do that, it was her decision to make. She said she would unfriend him. I told her that I was upset and would be sending him a very clear message to move on via FB. After sending off the message I copied her on it so there would be no misunderstandings or possible misrepresentation. After all this transpired I waited to see if she would carry out what she had promised checking daily. Over a week later of no action on her part I asked her why she hadn’t followed through. She said she had not thought about it in a while but was originally waiting to see if he would try to contact her to comment on the message that I sent. During the time that had passed between conversations I became increasingly agitated and confused. I knew nothing about him because of his security settings on FB and he had been surfing my profile so he had me at a great disadvantage. I began to look further into conversations between the two of them that were visible to me and found a short one that I felt was questionable. It started off casual enough with the usual how are you doing and then the ex asked to continue the conversation in privet. This conversation took place on a Sunday night at about 8:45 PM (strangely enough this is the time of night that she told me would be best for us to talk on the phone or email each other because her daughter’s bed time was 8:30) while we were usually watching TV before we went to bed. Anyway I don’t think my wife is going behind my back but I just don’t feel good about the way she handled it and I have heard her comment about how she thought that it was hard for a man and woman to have a close platonic relationship especially if there was history between them. 
This past weekend after we helped one of her close friends (her roommate from collage) clean out her recently deceased mother’s apartment for two days I was trying to set up her new phone as a mobile hotspot for her (we had discussed me trying to do this during the long trip from her friend’s house) and decided to check my FB to see if there were any photos posted from the moving adventure to find out her account was up. I could not resist I had to see what he needed to say to her that had to be in privet. It was what I thought it was he was watching her and trying to fish for information about our relationship status. They had exchanged Phone numbers and then the messages stopped on FB. All of his contact phone numbers were still in her phone. 
Here is what I am struggling with at the moment. - 1) I was not looking for this on her phone initially, but it may look like I was snooping, 2) I don’t understand why she has not deleted his info and blocked him from FB especially after her comment about , 3) Why she allow this connection if she thought that it was hard for a man and woman to have a close platonic relationship especially if there was history between them. 4) I can imagine her reaction if I struck up any sort of contact with any of my ex's.

Is it unreasonable to be concerned? I want to talk to her about it but I’m not sure what the best approach to take in this matter.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

You could ask her why she still has not removed him from her FB - as she promised. 



> She asked if I wanted her to unfriend him and I told her that I would not tell her that she had to do that, it was her decision to make. She said she would unfriend him.


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## 2ndmarriage (Jan 23, 2013)

She did unfriend him but did not block him.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

Ah. 

Do you have any evidence that she has contacted him since she unfriended him? I understand that she still has his phone numbers, and I do agree that these should be deleted, but maybe it has genuinely slipped her mind ..


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## 2ndmarriage (Jan 23, 2013)

janefw said:


> Ah.
> 
> Do you have any evidence that she has contacted him since she unfriended him? I understand that she still has his phone numbers, and I do agree that these should be deleted, but maybe it has genuinely slipped her mind ..


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ndmarriage (Jan 23, 2013)

No I don't have any evidence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

So, I'm a bit confused about the timeline in your OP. Has she not contacted him on FB or called him since she said she would cut him off her account?


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## 2ndmarriage (Jan 23, 2013)

janefw said:


> So, I'm a bit confused about the timeline in your OP. Has she not contacted him on FB or called him since she said she would cut him off her account?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Are you holding a grudge is the question (I think)


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## 2ndmarriage (Jan 23, 2013)

That's one of the questions that I have. If there has not been any contact since she unfriended him then why are the contact numbers still in the phone. So the answer is I don't know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ndmarriage (Jan 23, 2013)

dallasapple said:


> Are you holding a grudge is the question (I think)


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ndmarriage (Jan 23, 2013)

I don't thinl so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ndmarriage (Jan 23, 2013)

2ndmarriage said:


> I don't thinl so.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I do realize that I may be a little insecure. I just think that there are a lot of unanswered questions and actions that make no sence. I don't want this to become a bigger issue then it currently is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

Then ask her the questions. Don't refer to what you have seen - ask her whether she got rid of his information, and whether she still talks to him. Ask her why she didn't block him. Tell her that your expectations in marriage - for you *both *- are that there should be no private conversations/meetings with members of the opposite sex, and that you have stuck to that, and expect her to do the same, so if she needs to tell you something, now is a good time ...

I am fully aware that cheater = liar. If she is cheating, she is unlikely to tell you that she is cheating, BUT it gives you a starting point, kwim? You asked, she answered, and from then on, there should be no misunderstanding, because you set down the ground rules, and she can't say she didn't know.

After you have had this conversation and she reassures you, try to put aside your suspicions and what happened in the past, and trust her. Do you mind if I give you a Biblical instruction? _Be as wise as serpents and as innocent as doves_. In other words, be aware of what is going on around you, but have faith in your wife, until/unless you find that she is faithless.


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