# Separated for 5 weeks now



## Alaska (Jul 31, 2012)

So I'm brand new to this forum. Please help me out if I missed some rules.

My wife and I have been together for 8 years, and will have our 6th wedding anniversary on August 12th. She has 2 daughters from two different men, previous relationships, and we have 2 sons together. The girls are 15 and 13, and our boys are 4 and 2. 

We've had a marriage where she has been very dependent on me financially and it's been a pretty exceptional marriage. We won a custody battle for her younger daughter in 2008 that had drug out since 2006. It cost us $110,000. In 2008, her youngest sister (17 years old) died in a car wreck. We had one miscarriage between our boys, and our youngest boy has a genetic condition and presents him with a 5% chance of developing cancer before he's 10. He has ultrasounds every six months to look for tumors. 

For the last year, my wife has developed a major texting relationship with her adopted male cousin that lives thousands of miles away. They talk on the phone frequently and he's been through his father dying and his wife divorcing him early last year. On top of this, both he and my wife suffer from clinical anxiety and depression. Through the course of this relationship, she has confided less and less in me and has been texting him hundreds of times per day. In February of this year, my wife had a mental breakdown and had to be hospitalized. About 5 days after spending a week in the mental ward at the hospital, she had a full blown heart attack (she turned 33 in june). After having her heart stented, we took her to mayo clinic in April where they are studying her rare condition. They explained to her that she has a 20% chance of having another heart attack in the next 10 years. After coming back from Mayo, she saw a psychiatrist that diagnosed her with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. 

June 21st, she told me she no longer wanted to be married. She told me I was an excellent husband, had nothing bad to say about me and that I hadn't done anything wrong. I moved out on June 23rd. We currently share custody of our boys and went to one counseling session where she walked in convinced she wanted a divorce and walked out with hope. The following day, she told me she wanted to give our marriage the full effort and give it her all, and she also brought up her cousin and said she would have to end that relationship to build ours into what it needs to be. 3 hours later, she changed her mind and said she still wanted a divorce and didn't want anymore counseling. 1 week later after we looked through divorce paperwork earlier in the week, she called me over one night and we had sex. The next day she told me she felt like she connected to me the best she had in years and that once she moves out on her own she thinks she will want to reconcile.

Her reasons for wanting to divorce are:

She needs to stand on her own

She feels invisible (I am an opinionated guy and I can be hard to talk to at times)

She feels like she's lost control of her life


The reason I'm posting on here is because right now I feel like pushing through this divorce as soon as she moves out. We agree on everything and won't even need mediation, much less lawyers. We haven't yelled, no anger, haven't fought. Everything has been totally amicable so far. So if she moves out and I decide to wait, how long should I wait?

Thanks everyone.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

That's a tough call.... have you let go of your feelings for her yet?


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## Alaska (Jul 31, 2012)

She is an incredible woman and has a huge heart. We have both recently told each other how much we love one another, so yes I still have the same love I've had for her for the last 8 years. Although she's made a very self-centered decision and blind sided me with it, she has made it very clear that she really wishes there was a way not to hurt me. I am ready to move on with the divorce, but a part of me is still wanting to save the marriage. Ultimately, I want to give her what she wants, but I'm afraid that she'll find out after we divorce that she really wanted to be in the marriage. It's a tough thing. Luckily, I'm not agonizing over it.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

wow... I wish I could be so positive.


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## Alaska (Jul 31, 2012)

Sadwithtwolittlegirls said:


> wow... I wish I could be so positive.


You can. It's a choice we make every day.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

It sounds like she involved in an EA with her cousin. She is getting her emotional needs filled by him. All contact with her cousin must stop, for you to have a chance.


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## Alaska (Jul 31, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> It sounds like she involved in an EA with her cousin. She is getting her emotional needs filled by him. All contact with her cousin must stop, for you to have a chance.


There is no doubt you are correct. And she knows it. Time will tell if she's ready to end that relationship and rebuild ours. I won't go into reconciliation with that relationship still existing. At this point, nobody supports her decision except him. I'm confident he is the cause of the marital breakdown.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Then it's time to tell her you can't share a marriage with her and her cousin. If she goes then immediately file. No more indecision on her part, fix the marriage or go to him. It may be counter intuitive, but for you to have a chance you must let her go. Only the reality of the divorce papers and the loss of the marriage may bring her out of the fog. You should be firm, no anger, just resolved. You can tell her you love her, but your not going to be her second choice. It does take months to complete a divorce, even with out you dragging your heels. That should start the clock ticking and give you enough time to see if a real R is possible. Does this make sense?


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## Alaska (Jul 31, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> Then it's time to tell her you can't share a marriage with her and her cousin. If she goes then immediately file. No more indecision on her part, fix the marriage or go to him. It may be counter intuitive, but for you to have a chance you must let her go. Only the reality of the divorce papers and the loss of the marriage may bring her out of the fog. You should be firm, no anger, just resolved. You can tell her you love her, but your not going to be her second choice. It does take months to complete a divorce, even with out you dragging your heels. That should start the clock ticking and give you enough time to see if a real R is possible. Does this make sense?


We are separated and not being friends right now. Everything is cordial and we talk about matters involving finances and the children. Under the advice of my counselor (who is also the counselor that has seen both of us), she needs to figure out this issue on her own. She said if I present her with an ultimatum at this point, it will likely push her away (which isn't necessarily a bad thing) and she will make her decision out of defiance, not what's best for us and our family. If she decides on her own that she wants R, then she already knows what has to happen and it would be clearly presented during counseling. 

I do appreciate your comments, but if she figures this out on her own without an ultimatum, it means more to her, and to me as well. The EA she's having will end whether or not we get divorced. Based on comments she's made with other people closely associated, it won't last much longer even with us apart. Thanks for the advice though. Keep it coming.


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## Alaska (Jul 31, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> Then it's time to tell her you can't share a marriage with her and her cousin. If she goes then immediately file. No more indecision on her part, fix the marriage or go to him. It may be counter intuitive, but for you to have a chance you must let her go. Only the reality of the divorce papers and the loss of the marriage may bring her out of the fog. You should be firm, no anger, just resolved. You can tell her you love her, but your not going to be her second choice. It does take months to complete a divorce, even with out you dragging your heels. That should start the clock ticking and give you enough time to see if a real R is possible. Does this make sense?


I forgot to mention. I work a 2 week on/2 week off schedule at work at a remote location. I moved out of the house June 23rd and she will be living there until she gets an apartment the first week of September. She starts working full time on August 20th (she's been part time until now). After she moves out, I will likely start the divorce process to make it real to her. At that point, I will likely let her know that this is her final opportunity.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

MC is for 2 people, it's pretty much worthless as long as there are 3 in a marriage. Sorry, is you counselor adept at infidelity? You might have the MODs move your post or re-post in the infidelity area, there you would get advice from those who have been in your shoes. 

Good luck to your family, hope it turns out well for both of you.


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## Alaska (Jul 31, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> MC is for 2 people, it's pretty much worthless as long as there are 3 in a marriage. Sorry, is you counselor adept at infidelity? You might have the MODs move your post or re-post in the infidelity area, there you would get advice from those who have been in your shoes.
> 
> Good luck to your family, hope it turns out well for both of you.


We aren't going to counseling right now. She has decided she doesn't want it. IF she decides to R, the first counseling appointment would address the EA.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Are you paying her to leave you?


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## Rima (Jul 15, 2012)

My husband and I have been going through similar issues, though less traumatic. Separated for 2 weeks now. We are keeping it amicable. I have had the same feelings as your wife in my marriage, not hearing my own breath so to speak. I believe her sisters death really got to her. So sorry to hear of it. If I had any good advice it would be to let her go, and reconcile if she stops th EA whenever time is right, and she wants. How generous and wise of you to stay this strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Alaska (Jul 31, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Are you paying her to leave you?


Not sure what this means.


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## Alaska (Jul 31, 2012)

Rima said:


> My husband and I have been going through similar issues, though less traumatic. Separated for 2 weeks now. We are keeping it amicable. I have had the same feelings as your wife in my marriage, not hearing my own breath so to speak. I believe her sisters death really got to her. So sorry to hear of it. If I had any good advice it would be to let her go, and reconcile if she stops th EA whenever time is right, and she wants. How generous and wise of you to stay this strong.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is exactly what I'm doing. Thanks for your support.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Alaska said:


> Not sure what this means.


Who is covering her bills?


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## Alaska (Jul 31, 2012)

I'm making the house payment so my kids have a place to live. I'm also paying utilities. She has taken on the car payment, fuel, food, daycare, everything else.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Alaska said:


> I'm making the house payment so my kids have a place to live. I'm also paying utilities. She has taken on the car payment, fuel, food, daycare, everything else.


Why are you planning to move when you're paying the freight?

Apparently, I didn't read close enough. I see she is planning to move.

You do realize with PTSD and the rest of this (I'm assuming she has childhood issues) what she really needs is intensive individual counseling.


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## Alaska (Jul 31, 2012)

Yes. She got that counseling through her psychiatrist. She told me she had told her psychiatrist that she was thinking about separation and divorce and he told her under no circumstances should she make any major life decisions for the remainder of this year, but she did, so here we are.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Alaska said:


> Yes. She got that counseling through her psychiatrist. She told me she had told her psychiatrist that she was thinking about separation and divorce and he told her under no circumstances should she make any major life decisions for the remainder of this year, but she did, so here we are.


Was she a childhood abuse victim?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your wife is very much having an EA with the cousin and it's destroying the marriage. You both should read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

You wife knows this already, that's why she called it out. It's also why shes flip flopping on her commitment, she is under the impression I think that by moving out she will be able get it out of her system once she has the freedom to carry it on full time,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Alaska (Jul 31, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Was she a childhood abuse victim?


Yes.


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## Alaska (Jul 31, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Your wife is very much having an EA with the cousin and it's destroying the marriage. You both should read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.
> 
> You wife knows this already, that's why she called it out. It's also why shes flip flopping on her commitment, she is under the impression I think that by moving out she will be able get it out of her system once she has the freedom to carry it on full time,
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is possible, yes, but we live in Alaska and he lives in Montana. It's not a viable option at this point, I don't think.


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