# I just need to get it over with.



## Richi300 (Aug 11, 2016)

*Numbness, life changing pain*

I don't know where to begin. I'm so confused. My wife loved me. She told me every night. I told her every night. What happened? It can't because she had to go overseas first because of me losing my job. We were suppose to be a team our motto was dream it win it. She was suppose to find me work over there with her. That was the plan we both applied for the same job and whoever was hired....... No no no!!!!! This isn't happening...... Its not my fault I lost my job. I have a new one and a better paying job. What is happening...we loved each other everyone saw it. She told everyone she was blessed to have me in her life. Now she is with another man pregnant.... Giving me the silent treatment. She stop helping with our 2600 sq home. I can take care of myself but we were a team.... I can't breathe. I go to work lying about why I'm hurt.... I said my dad was in the hospital how pitiful is that. I know I'm a mans man but This was a blind side from hell. I trusted her with my life. I don't know why? She was such a sweet soul. I would have rather lost this house than my wife. I should have never agreed to let her go over there. I can't breathe....this pain. Wtf man. Wtf. I'm busting my ass... We had one argument over the phone....ONE. We fit perfectly together. Idk what to do. Divorce her?... Why am I getting a ****ing divorce....why am I going through this. I got her the house...I got her the car... I was there for her when her mother died.....counseling doesn't help....I feel like I'm living a dream everyday. My parents can't believe this is really happening neither can our mutual friends. God why?


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## Richi300 (Aug 11, 2016)

Forgive how I wrote everything just now. Was unfortunately a mess when I was writing. Pretty much to make things clear. My wife and I have been together for 9 years. Lost my job a while back due to cuts. We have a fairly big home which wasn't a problem when I had work. Told her that we should both apply for the same job working overseas. Told her if one of us gets hired that person will find a job for the other and we will double our earnings to pay off the house. I felt like a piece of **** but what choice was there. She left...I wasn't working...a few months her being there she put some dude on the phone...it was Christmas and he tells me how my wife can cook and how I lucked out cause was great eye candy. Of course I got pissed by the comment. I stayed cool tho. Told her I didn't appreciate his lack of respect...she understood that was that. Fast forward...I find a job a better paying than I had before. My wife still didn't find me work......our argument soon took place when I found out she went to the movies with the same guy. I was already pissed that my wife started getting this superior attitude when it came to finances. We had always split the bills down the middle. I handle the big bills and she handle utilities. But she started asking why I need her to send money if I had a job...like huh? The argument was ugly...the worst we ever had. After that she became distant not answering my calls. Refusing to help with the bills saying im a man figure it out. I just said give her space....I took on all the responsibilities for a year.. I couldn't believe she was still upset about a argument that took place almost a year ago. She came home and told me she wanted a separation. First blind side next I find out through facebook she is with another man and pregnant. I tried texting emailing.....silence.


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## Richi300 (Aug 11, 2016)

Its no way I can fit everything on here but I making it seem like she was a gold digger which she wasn't. The person she was when I married her vs the person she became overseas....two totally different people. I was with the woman for 8 years before she left. No signs of this going down.


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## Richi300 (Aug 11, 2016)

I know its going to take time for this one. Like I said hard to write all down but when we were together we really were a team. And I know most may say your only thinking about the positives....Nah, we had something very special. Everyone could see it...the only thing I can think of is she resented me for allowing her to go...which is still no excuse. She is pregnant by another man.. 
Wow...Feels like someone died or I lost a limb. That's the only way I can describe this numbness im feeling


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## Richi300 (Aug 11, 2016)

She has been waiting for me to fill. She wants the easy way out. I know I need to just accept everything for what it is and fill. Im embarrassed and feel like a failure in so many aspects. I can't show my face to my family and friends. I still can't believe she's pregnant by another man... I'm here still in wait mode even though I know its over. Some days are easy and some days like these past few days once I officially found out the rumors were true....I've cried every night. I cried driving to work this morning. But once I get to work I'm a pro at acting like I'm such a strong individual when on the inside I'm completely crushed. I'm going to fill first thing next week. Once she told me I can have everything.. The house, the cars and that she didn't need here belongings. That's when I knew something wasn't right. I don't know how or where to continue to gather stregnth from but I know can get through this...even though I swear I want to take my gun from the closet and end it that way...I know it wouldn't amount to anything. Ill be dead while she lives on. As hard as this will be for me I have faith ill see it through.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Wow, man. Get your sh$t together! It's just a woman, there are billions of them out there for you to sample and find one that actually loves you! 

You are depressed. Get to the doc and get on meds TODAY! This will help you get your things in order. File tomorrow while she is in the giving mood. Trust me, she might change her mind next week once her friends tell her how stupid she is. You need to get the agreement drafted next week and have her sign it. Time to get things done and stop crying. Get your family and friends rallying on your side. Don't be scared to tell them everything.

Millions have been through what you're dealing with. We all made it out just fine, even better when it was all finished. Trust me, in 6 months, you're going to be loving life again.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Yes, OP file pronto. I definitely believe she will change her mind soon and you will be locked in a difficult legal battle.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Richi,

Get to your attorney tomorrow morning and get filed before she changes her mind about you having everything. Once you file, in most places, you are NOT there responsible for half of any debt she incurs. That job now belongs to her boyfriend who knocked her up.

And before you even entertain the thought of reconciliation if she tries that road, you better be prepared to not only support this child for 18 years, but to also have the OM involved in your life.

My suggestion is you tell your attorney to draft the papers at warp speed and get out of this situation clean. 

You post does not say how all of this occurred so have to assume she is telling you she wants to be with OM and that is why she is so willing to leave you everything.

TAKE THE DEAL


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## btterflykisses (Apr 29, 2016)

Go to the doctor for your health as you are depressed and rightly so given the situation. File as soon as possible. In Australia if a woman is married the child legally belongs to the husband no matter who the father is. I don't know about other countries. God forbid its the same there and you don't file and she gives birth you may have to pay child support.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Richi300 said:


> She has been waiting for me to fill. She wants the easy way out. I know I need to just accept everything for what it is and fill. Im embarrassed and feel like a failure in so many aspects. I can't show my face to my family and friends. I still can't believe she's pregnant by another man... I'm here still in wait mode even though I know its over. Some days are easy and some days like these past few days once I officially found out the rumors were true....I've cried every night. I cried driving to work this morning. But once I get to work I'm a pro at acting like I'm such a strong individual when on the inside I'm completely crushed. I'm going to fill first thing next week. Once she told me I can have everything.. The house, the cars and that she didn't need here belongings. That's when I knew something wasn't right. I don't know how or where to continue to gather stregnth from but I know can get through this...even though I swear I want to take my gun from the closet and end it that way...I know it wouldn't amount to anything. Ill be dead while she lives on. As hard as this will be for me I have faith ill see it through.


G-damnit man file now while you can get the best deal! Your friends and family will be horrified by her and be rooting for you. Most of us has been effected by a cheater at least once in their lives you just got a really bad one, but you have the out of a lifetime. Take it and move on. Don't cry over spilled garbage.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

straightshooter said:


> Richi,
> 
> Get to your attorney tomorrow morning and get filed before she changes her mind about you having everything. Once you file, in most places, you are NOT there responsible for half of any debt she incurs. That job now belongs to her boyfriend who knocked her up.
> 
> ...


How about lets not ever entertain reconciliation with a woman who could be married to you and have another man's kid. *Period.* Let's not even add caveats. There are some things in live you just don't do. 

Staying in a relationship with a woman who has another man's kid while married to you is at the very tip top of the list.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

btterflykisses said:


> In Australia if a woman is married the child legally belongs to the husband no matter who the father is.


That's disgusting.

Looked it up seems the laws are getting better.


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## Richi300 (Aug 11, 2016)

I never thought once of getting back with her. I'm just out of sorts.... I work 56 hours to 60 hour weeks. I made a realier post explaining what happen. Everyone is confused.... We were a great couple but her decision making is strait out of left field....because of fiance problems we had one year. But after reading you guys comments I heading to see a lawyer today. And yes I am depressed, lonely, confused.... **** is a crazy rollercoaster.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

sokillme said:


> That's disgusting.
> 
> Looked it up seems the laws are getting better.


I think those type of laws are antiquated from before DNA was available and women had limited resources. The aim was to prevent a deadbeat from declaring a kid wasn't his and leaving the wife and kids with nothing.

It's not perfect but made sense at one time.

It is changing though and it should change, but I think it's still on the hb to let the court know that he disputes paternity.

The court doesn't know who slept with who, it only knows these two are married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

@drifting on is a long time poster who's wife had/has children from adultery. His posts are always compassionate, thoughtful, and wise. He and his wife are 4 yrs(?) reconciling. Reconciling because a reconcilation lasts a lifetime. His situation is different as his wife never wanted to divorce, ended the adultery and hid her adultery for 2 1/2 years. Your's does not want to. I used the @use-persons-user-name function to notify him there is a thread he should read. He will be bye shortly. 

I think you should accept her offer ASAP. Just thank her and tell her you understand. Do not question her, ask her how could she, etc. Just establish the foundation for the best post divorce life you can.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sokillme said:


> btterflykisses said:
> 
> 
> > In Australia if a woman is married the child legally belongs to the husband no matter who the father is.
> ...


It's been the law since the dawn of time. There were no paternity tests. It was the best that people could do.

With paternity tests, it's getting easier for a man to challenge this. But many countries still do not allow that paternity tests be used for a man to reject a child born to their wife. Social changes often take a long time.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

For those discussing paternity laws... That Australian case law is from the 2000's. Not ancient history. Places like France have actually banned DNA testing in recent years, stating as a "father" you don't have a right to know. That your W says its yours is enough. Even if you can prove paternity, it matters not in those places. In some places, we are becoming more modern, in others, we are regressing. The world turns, and changes, and not always for the best.

OP, if you don't have any kids with your W, you are a lucky man--in that one respect. You can cut ties from her permanently, and you should. 

I know, this is a rough thing to take. Start by seeking out a psychologist / counselor / therapist. You really will need it. It's not "unmanly" to need assistance in a situation where your wife betrays you in the worst way imaginable. You may try some St. John's Wort, it's been shown to help with depression, and you are obviously depressed.

Once you've done the above, take a deep breath, and call your attorney. (Or find one if you don't have one) Start the Divorce proceedings. Get this woman out of your life.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Step #1: Immediately file for divorce.
Step #2: Permanently cut her out of your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Step #1: Immediately file for divorce.
> Step #2: Permanently cut her out of your life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: This one is a no-brainer. Seriously.


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## rafaelandy (May 8, 2013)

what you are going through is "normal". 

suck it up, get a grip on yourself, keep yourself busy.

start accepting the reality that SHE IS GONE.

LET HER GO...FOCUS ON YOURSELF.

just like many other betrayed husbands here - you will get through this experience stronger and wiser...a new and better man.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Richi300 said:


> I couldn't believe she was still upset about a argument that took place almost a year ago.


I read the whole thread until now, but I wanted to go back to your earlier comment about the argument. She is not still upset about an argument that took place a year ago. This is an example of gas lighting. She wants you to blame yourself for this mess. 

In your current emotional state, you might begin to wonder if she is right and start to blame yourself. However eventually, you'll be able to think more clearly and realize that there is nothing you could have done differently to prevent her actions.


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## Ralph Bellamy (Aug 8, 2016)

Get her out of your life!


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## Richi300 (Aug 11, 2016)

Thank you for needed support. I took off work and got a lawyer. Free consultation and they are handling it from here and will let me know everything that is taking place step by step while proceedings are taking place. I still haven't shared everything to family and as I'm a private person and always spoke highly of my soon to be ex wife even when we were going through it. I will admit I'm ashamed....
But thanks to your post I feel some sort of relief I haven't had for a while. Next week I'm considering getting help with depression.... Its still surreal whats happened but like I mentioned before ill see this through. Thank you everyone and wish me luck everything goes smoothly that she just signs.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Okay, maybe I'm way off base here but why would you lose your job and the first thought was to go to a foreign country to get one?

You sent your wife alone to go live in another country for some unknown period of time and hoped things would work out? She was then responsible for sending you money and finding you a job? How is that being a "team" versus staying together in one place and making something work? How did you eventually find a job?


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## Richi300 (Aug 11, 2016)

Yes your way off base. I met my wife working overseas years ago. I lost my job due to being laid off. I couldn't find work seeing the economy is terrible. We were about to lose our house I suggested we BOTH apply for the same job to get us both back overseas again. And if one of us got hired the other would find away to get the other over to double our earnings to pay off our house. I found a job by looking for another job instead of sitting on my ass. Money is a tool and in a marriage both have no choice but to contribute in order to win together in today's society...if not that get to a point where both can save enough together to where the man can take over bringing home the bacon.


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## Richi300 (Aug 11, 2016)

We agreed what the goal was before she left. If you think I rather it not had been me to go instead your very mistaken. I trusted my wife to do the right thing and follow through with our plan. After I got another job I asked her to come home numerous of times. She said she couldn't cause we needed more money and that she was scared we would end up in the same situation. I did absolutely nothing wrong except trust my wife and believed we were in this together.


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## Richi300 (Aug 11, 2016)

To clarify more. We came home together from working overseas years ago. I found a job when we got back to the states and was the bread winner. I went back overseas again by myself....that separation went very well I didn't cheat or make her feel like there was something for her to worry about. I came back home because they shout down the base. Took me over a year to find a job once I got back but I eventually found work. That year out of work I still paid all the bigger bills while my wife paid the utlitues as I stated before my bank account on the other hand wasn't replenishing what I was using. The job I had was a very good job. I once again received another position in another location overseas to work. Once I was hired I received my dates to leave like normal protocol and right before it was time for me to leave I was told they cut the job and unfourntaley they were laying off everyone in that position....I was laid off before I got a chance to make a dime.....and I already put my two weeks in at my previous job. Those circumstances where no fault of my own. It was life taking a nasty turn....I asked for my old job back but they said they already filled it a week after me leaving. I couldn't find work anywhere.... My overseas money dried up that year and my wife's overseas money had to be used but it was drying up quick because of years of her using it paying utilities...buying things for herself and her family. (Which isn't a bad thing just explaining) We got behind on our mortgage. Then a job posting online we both were qualified for was right there.....mind you everyday from sun up and sun down I was submitting resume after resume. I revised my resume at least 5 times to better my chances. We both applied for that job I spoke of one night before bed and made the plan together and she ended up getting selected. I was pissed but what choice did we have. And the rest is history.


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## Richi300 (Aug 11, 2016)

What's done is done. I trusted her and I thought she trusted my judgement... that I had my best interest in her and what I thought would be our future family ....regardless of whatever....her priority should have been to this marriage.....for better or for worse. Nothing more nothing less.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I agree with everything you are doing except for one, this is not your shame to carry, how can you feel shame for her actions, and clearly this is her burden to carry not your own.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
You must consider how a person does something like this, logically. There needs to be a weakness in their character in order for them to be able to accept the deceit, the devastation and the pain this will cause another person. Think of it as a chain with a defective link. As you use the chain and apply more and more stress that link will eventually snap. I would venture a guess that your marriage was not quite as "perfect" as your mind is making it out to be now.

In any event, and I know this is extremely difficult, you must see this in the light of reality. If this weak link had held through this situation what of the next? Once a child comes into the picture the stress on the relationship increases significantly. What if the link failed after a child or two? Can you imagine your angst? Not only would you be dealing with your grief but now you must see the devastating effects on your children and deal with that as well.

I know it does not seem this way now but you have been spared the possibility of much more difficult consequences. If you really want to feel sorrow or pity for someone feel it for her and her OM. There is a high probability that she will do the same to him or he to her whereas you can find a woman that brings as much to the relationship as do you. Time heals wounds and you will look back on this and realize that it could have been much worse. It will take some time so focus on yourself and your well being.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

*Re: Numbness, life changing pain*



Richi300 said:


> God why?


Because sometimes life just ****s on good people. Sad to hear what you're going through.

Sounds like your partner had a "life ideal" plan, and that included a certain roles and expectations, like you'd put together for a project.

When you became unemployed, you weren't socially important. And also you would have been a loose end, not something she wants to climb the stairway on. So like any project management with a loose end, you got set aside and her plan has moved on.

As a curiousity, she doesn't happen to be a capricorn or sagittarius?


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## Richi300 (Aug 11, 2016)

Libra


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Listen to Xenote.

There is NO shame for you in this......that's her burden to carry.

And make sure she carries it....file for D, contest paternity if necessary, and expose her sh*tty A and the fact she is carrying this scumbag's child to both your families and all friends, as the reason for the D.

Then go dark on her and only discuss the D proceedings.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Richie

I don't have much time at the moment, but I want to tell you a few things. First I know that shame you carry all too well. It's terrible and does extensive damage to you. So first thing you should be concerned with is your health. Get help, get medications, do whatever you need to getting back to healthy. That is your first and only priority at this moment of time. Guess what, your wife, her infidelity, and your marriage all take a backseat to your health, I made this mistake, and everything was still there after I got help. You deal with your wife, marriage, and infidelity after you have help. 

My situation is a little different then yours, unless your wife is doing all she can for your healing, then divorce. It doesn't sound like she is, therefore I say to divorce. In your divorce proceedings file for adultery, file OM's name also. Expose now so family and friends can help you. I did many things wrong in the beginning, who wouldn't, but what you do from here forward is in the best interest of you. 

You are humiliated, destroyed, lost, confused, shocked, ashamed, self esteem gone, in essence you feel totally alone. I get that, I did too, and you need to get healthy before you are gone forever. You will think of things you never thought before, you may think to kill yourself, I did. It's not worth it, your life has far more meaning and purpose then you can see. I sat at my kitchen table with my weapon, I pulled the trigger, but I'm still here as the weapon jammed. I thought I couldn't even get this right, I thought maybe God wanted me to feel more pain. I was wrong. So do what's best for you and nobody else. I will be back to offer you more support, you can also pm me if you need anything. I know how you feel, talking to someone who has been in your shoes does help, so contact me if you think it can help you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

With my XH even though I had been asking for a divorce for years, had moved to a different level of the house etc, he still was so shocked and hurt and depressed when I filed and moved out and on.

It's been nearly 3 years now and he is barely better, depression meds and all.

It is an EXTREMELY DIFFICULT situation when you really shared a beautiful love. I have never faulted him for the way he feels. He is still in love...all I have done is excessively painful for him. My current H of two years makes comments like many here have to you to basically just get over it. For some people, and some situations, it just is not that simple.

I am glad you have filed, and I am glad you will seek medical help. You have a long road ahead of you. I recommend you have a face to face with your family to explain the situation. Then you can release some more of this shame (that is hers, not yours, but you are carrying it) because they will give you their love and support once they know the details. 

Feel free to get involved in our community here, and let us help you, and you can help others with your unique perspective. 

I wish you swift healing, and a blessed, happy future.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

drifting on said:


> Richie
> 
> I don't have much time at the moment, but I want to tell you a few things. First I know that shame you carry all too well. It's terrible and does extensive damage to you. So first thing you should be concerned with is your health. Get help, get medications, do whatever you need to getting back to healthy. That is your first and only priority at this moment of time. Guess what, your wife, her infidelity, and your marriage all take a backseat to your health, I made this mistake, and everything was still there after I got help. You deal with your wife, marriage, and infidelity after you have help.
> 
> ...


Exceptional post...I want to give you and the OP a big hug.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Spicy said:


> Exceptional post...I want to give you and the OP a big hug.



@Spicy, thank you for the kind words and hug, I am a firm believer that hugs are very therapeutic. @Richi300, I answered your pm, I'm here to help or support you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

@Richi300

How are you doing? Are you staying busy and surrounding yourself with family and friends? Hope you are doing well.

When I went through this I resided in a dark room. I couldn't find the door or a light switch. It was the most depressing time of my life. Many times I didn't think I could survive, but I have Richi, and you will too. Remember that most of these thoughts are fleeting, you have to fight through the moment. It's hard I know, but like me, you are much stronger then you think. 

Not only will you make it through, but slowly your life will get better. You need to be patient and begin to heal yourself. Right now you have probably felt more alone then any other time in your life. TAM is here for you, you just need to reach out and vent on here. The members here are exceptional, they have an uncanny ability to lift you up when you need it most. 

If I may suggest, you may get more support if you move your thread to coping with infidelity. Even though you are divorcing, you are dealing with infidelity. At CWI, the posters are seasoned to help you get through. It's your choice but I feel it may be beneficial to you. 

Now if you don't know my story my wife had a six month long affair. For tso and s half years she hid this from me. Her affair produced twins, and after two and a half years, we had bonded quite tightly. I had a decision to make, but I waited six months to make that decision. It was very important I make that decision without emotions or anger. I had to do what was best for me, and I chose to reconcile. A very difficult decision to make. 

I hope you are doing well, and I hope you went this morning. Best of luck to you. Let me know if I can do anything for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Richi300 (Aug 11, 2016)

Thank you, lol its like your in my house. As sad as it sounds I'm sleeping upstairs in a room we never used. Its just like you said...in sitting in here not seeing the light of day....I haven't cut my hair in I don't know how long....I wear a hat to work. Strangely being in this room I can sleep....there are no memories in this room at all. I've taken up learning Japanese.... I'm planning on saving up to go there. And yes I feel more alone than I've ever felt in my life. I'm trying...... Some days have been better than others. Try to accept the reality of my situation is so hard....Just like others before me....I never saw this happening to me. But I can say I have stopped crying so I guess that's a step foward.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

the fact that your not cutting your hair, the fact that you chose to sleep in a part of the house not used, you hiding not just from yourself but others as well, you avoid others, you buy just the necessities to keep alive, otherwise you do not shop and you seek solitude when ever possible. you my friend are slowly going into a depression, do not trap yourself within yourself, that is one labyrinth you will not be able to get out with out professional help. you need to talk someone who can help you, and you need to start to change this pattern slowly, tomorrow i want you to get a haircut, please, in fact do something good for yourself, get a haircut and a shave. and everyday do something different, i am glad you are learning Japanese, see if you can find a Japanese club or Buddhist temple to visit. if you do nothing and you stay the same course you are telling your soon to be ex that she has power of your happiness, over your life....no one should have that power over you, except you.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

OP, I can so remember this pain. For me it was only two years ago. That year and my xh threw a grenade in our marriage was quite possibly one of the worst years of my life. 

I have to say the advice you have been given is right on the money. I am glad you are filing for divorce. @Xenote is right, you need to push yourself to take care of your self. But it's worth it. It's kind of strange, but as depressed as your are, there a strong energy that if focused can actually make some positive changes. I am not a huge fan of working out, but that first year I had so much grief and rage and going to gym hitting the treadmill felt empowering. I also became obsessed with yoga. Now that I am two years out I am not quite so compulsive about either, but the habits remain. 

This is a good time to take up Japanese. But I might actually suggest something physical. If you already work out, I would suggest taking up martial arts or yoga or something different and more challenging than what you already do. Trust me on this, it will help. 

Also, counseling and meds are not a bad idea right now. While you don't want to completely avoid your feelings, you do sometimes need a break and the grief of divorce can be unrelenting at first. 

Technically, your life has been destroyed. The life in which you were building a future with a specific woman is gone. It's extremely painful. You will build a new life. And you will probably build a happier and better life. There is some evidence that people who have been betrayed do better than the betrayers in future romantic endeavors. It's suspected that the betrayed learn from the experience and choose better. I also think that those of us who have betrayed have been forced to examine ourselves and our assumptions about life more than someone who jumped from one relationship to another. 

Like @drifting on, I too thought about suicide. I didn't actually make an attempt, but I think it's because I knew how much damage it would do to people if I did it. I also logically knew that this depression couldn't last forever. And I was right. It doesn't. It lasted much longer than I thought possible. But it did end. So hang in there. 

As for crying, it's harder for men to cry. (Apparently on top of social reasons, it's actually physically harder for men), but don't avoid it. It's one of the weirdest things I discovered, but a really good sob will temporarily make you feel better. It eliminates toxins and releases some endorphins. So don't fight it if it comes. 

Anyway, I am so sorry this is happening to you. It really sucks.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Xenote said:


> the fact that your not cutting your hair, the fact that you chose to sleep in a part of the house not used, you hiding not just from yourself but others as well, you avoid others, you buy just the necessities to keep alive, otherwise you do not shop and you seek solitude when ever possible. you my friend are slowly going into a depression, do not trap yourself within yourself, that is one labyrinth you will not be able to get out with out professional help. you need to talk someone who can help you, and you need to start to change this pattern slowly, tomorrow i want you to get a haircut, please, in fact do something good for yourself, get a haircut and a shave. and everyday do something different, i am glad you are learning Japanese, see if you can find a Japanese club or Buddhist temple to visit. if you do nothing and you stay the same course you are telling your soon to be ex that she has power of your happiness, over your life....no one should have that power over you, except you.


Sometimes when you go through things like this, you really do need to just crawl into that hole and let yourself feel all those sh!tty emotions. You have to allow yourself a grieving period. I think of it like a purge. That said, you DO have to make sure that you crawl back OUT of that hole. OP, if you dont start feeling better within the next month, please do reach out and get yourself some help.


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## Richi300 (Aug 11, 2016)

It truly is a blessing to have some kind of support system through this roller coaster that is my life at the moment...But the advice and comments I've received from this thread is helping. Took the day to get my hair cut...shaved (forgot what it felt like to have a clean face.) cleaned my house. Tomorrow plans are to clean my garage and purchase a Multigym I've been talking about for awhile now so I can use it to workout relieve some much needed stress. I will admit, even though I know the situation and howl I need to let go. Its hard, I still have the urge to protect the old version of her.... she can never say I didn't or haven't protected her. My pride as a man is so bruised... I made my identy in being a husband...I do have some self reflecting that needs to be done. I have no interest at all with being with some on else right now but the day will come and I hoping I can use this time I have now to try to better myself....All that being said I know I did right by her. Its disappointing knowing everything she has done but as hard as it is I can see light at the end of this long tunnel.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Richi300 said:


> What's done is done. I trusted her and I thought she trusted my judgement... that I had my best interest in her and what I thought would be our future family ....regardless of whatever....her priority should have been to this marriage.....for better or for worse. Nothing more nothing less.


Are you from the US?


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## Yosemite (Aug 23, 2016)

Starstarfish said:


> Okay, maybe I'm way off base here but why would you lose your job and the first thought was to go to a foreign country to get one?
> 
> You sent your wife alone to go live in another country for some unknown period of time and hoped things would work out? She was then responsible for sending you money and finding you a job? How is that being a "team" versus staying together in one place and making something work? How did you eventually find a job?


How is this helpful to the poor guy? It's like throwing all his mistakes in his face which is akin to kicking sand in his face when he's laying on the ground helpless.


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## Richi300 (Aug 11, 2016)

Yosemite its ok, I didn't go into detail when they wrote their post. But regardless if she stayed or not eventually something was bond to happen sooner or later. I feel as if this a safe place to say I've started counsel ing Monday. So far it was an ok session I guess....the whole time I kept thinking that counselor probably had more issues than me but I'm going to keep going every Monday. Havent went to get my prescription yet but I will.


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## Yosemite (Aug 23, 2016)

It's not ok at all. Some posters seem to write stuff that's only intended to hurt not help.


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