# Feeling Washed Up



## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

So, I have been making questionable decisions of late. As I was telling a few friends. I feel a washed up, dried out version of myself. 3rd rate. My self esteem has been in the tank. As Bilbo Baggins would say I feel like butter scraped over too much bread.

Since ex has moved the drama has lessened quite a bit. I block him when I need to. I haven't been eating right, callling out of work, poor sleep. House a mess. Was clicking with someone but that didn't work out either. Even seriously considered calling ex at one point just to feel something. It would take very little effort to renew that relationship. No, I won't, don't worry. Just uuuuugh.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

What questionable decisions? 

Why did things end with your ex? We need more context.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Don't give in to the feelings. 

Your environment effects your mood. So get up & clean. If you can't clean the whole house, clean 1 room. If you can't clean the whole room, just do a little: move the clutter, hang up the clothes, throw out the junk mail, do the dishes or even a dish. 1% effort is still more than 0 effort. Having accomplished something will make you feel better.

Stop calling out of work. Push yourself to get up & out. It feels counterintuitive when you just want to stay in & hide but getting out there is the antidote you seek.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

D0nnivain said:


> Don't give in to the feelings.
> 
> Your environment effects your mood. So get up a clean. If you can't clean the whole house, clean 1 room. If you can't clean the whole room, just do a little: move the clutter, hang up the clothes, throw out the junk mail, do the dishes or even a dish. 1% effort is still more than 0 effort. Having accomplished something will make you feel better.
> 
> Stop calling out of work. Push yourself to get up & out. It feels counterintuitive when you just want to stay in & hide but getting out there is the antidote you seek.


I know. I know. You are right. I am so f**** tired of trying I guess. 

Tomorrow I have to take a parenting impact course. Then on tbe 22nd we have our first court date. I don't want to go into it feeling like this. He will eat me alive.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

thunderchad said:


> What questionable decisions?
> 
> Why did things end with your ex? We need more context.


There are other threads for that. Suffice it to say it was bad. Really really bad.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

It's tough when you feel so blah. Still you have to push, especially if there are kids involved. Fight for them so you don't get eaten alive. You aren't doing this for you. You are doing the parenting class & getting a fair resolution to obtain peace in your life. Remember winning isn't about getting more monetary stuff. It's about getting out with your head held high & your psyche in tact.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

D0nnivain said:


> It's tough when you feel so blah. Still you have to push, especially if there are kids involved. Fight for them so you don't get eaten alive. You aren't doing this for you. You are doing the parenting class & getting a fair resolution to obtain peace in your life. Remember winning isn't about getting more monetary stuff. It's about getting out with your head held high & your psyche in tact.


Oh my psyche flew the coop ages ago! I have seen ex 2 times in the last 2 months. He can't even look me in the eye anymore. He sent me friend request on facebook though. No I did not acceot. But I don't feel like I deserve a fair resolution. I want this all to go away.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

A fair resolution doesn't mean you get half. It means you get out with what you need to start over. Get what's best for your kids.

If your psyche is that damaged, get counseling.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

D0nnivain said:


> A fair resolution doesn't mean you get half. It means you get out with what you need to start over. Get what's best for your kids.
> 
> If your psyche is that damaged, get counseling.


I think you misunderstand me when I say eaten alive. It kills me that he can't stand to even look at me. If I really wanted to get back together it would be so easy. He is a broken man and seeing him in court will break my heart all over again. I didn't want any of this. He forced me into this. He tells me I was the ine whi chose this. Ivtell him he gave me no choice. He might be the only man to ever want me.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I remember the thread about you being so upset that he has fallen on hard times. I didn't realize how much it hurts you that he's such a broken soul. But you have to flip your feelings around a bit. You didn't break him. The fact that he isn't taking responsibility & isn't fighting to get better & hang on to you should upset you & that anger will motivate you more than this pity party. 

I get it I have a soft heart too but it's not serving you well here.

Plan something supportive for yourself for after the hearing. Have your BFF meet you with comfort food. Go for a run. Do something uplifting. You will need the boost.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

These are all signs of depression. Have you seen your doctor lately?


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

D0nnivain said:


> I remember the thread about you being so upset that he has fallen on hard times. I didn't realize how much it hurts you that he's such a broken soul. But you have to flip your feelings around a bit. You didn't break him. The fact that he isn't taking responsibility & isn't fighting to get better & hang on to you should upset you & that anger will motivate you more than this pity party.
> 
> I get it I have a soft heart too but it's not serving you well here.
> 
> Plan something supportive for yourself for after the hearing. Have your BFF meet you with comfort food. Go for a run. Do something uplifting. You will need the boost.


That's the thing. I don't even care sometimes. Maybe he is the best I can do? I have had several "pity party" threads. Usually Prodigal shows up to kick me in the butt. This isn't feeling bad for HIM but the fact that I am close to settling for him that scares me.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> These are all signs of depression. Have you seen your doctor lately?


Oh for sure I need to see the doctor. I also need spring to arrive. I need sun and birds and the wind in my hair.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Erudite said:


> This isn't feeling bad for HIM but the fact that I am close to settling for him that scares me.


It's a choice. Chose well. It's a simple as that. Aim higher. Know your own worth & go get it.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Erudite said:


> Oh for sure I need to see the doctor. I also need spring to arrive. I need sun and birds and the wind in my hair.


Do you have an appointment?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You really need therapy to address why you continue to see a grown man as your responsibility

It's done him no service and may be part of the reason he's such a bum. Have you considered that maybe on some level you like being needed? Until you figure this out dating probably isn't a good idea. 

Grown men are not your responsibility and you do them no favors by enabling them.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Erudite said:


> So, I have been making questionable decisions of late. As I was telling a few friends. I feel a washed up, dried out version of myself. 3rd rate. My self esteem has been in the tank. As Bilbo Baggins would say I feel like butter scraped over too much bread.
> 
> Since ex has moved the drama has lessened quite a bit. I block him when I need to. I haven't been eating right, callling out of work, poor sleep. House a mess. Was clicking with someone but that didn't work out either. Even seriously considered calling ex at one point just to feel something. It would take very little effort to renew that relationship. No, I won't, don't worry. Just uuuuugh.


Hi Erudite, sorry you're feeling this way, but it's normal. You accepted less for so long, that it wore you down. Have you been able to do any self-care? You really need to before you become too depleted, especially with the kiddos around.

It doesn't have to be fancy, you could start with little things and work your way up. If you're eating badly, eat 1 good meal. Tackle the worst corner of 1 room, and just empty the garbage. Little things add up over time and make a big difference.

Do.Not.Call.The.Ex!!!!! That will erode everything you've done to move on. You sound like you could benefit from therapy, but if that's not on the card for now, how about some self-help books?
Codependent No More sounds like a good fit, one I really liked, was Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends. There's a host of them out there.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> You really need therapy to address why you continue to see a grown man as your responsibility
> 
> It's done him no service and may be part of the reason he's such a bum. *Have you considered that maybe on some level you like being needed? * Until you figure this out dating probably isn't a good idea.
> 
> Grown men are not your responsibility and you do them no favors by enabling them.


Thank you!! This is what I have been struggling to articulate. I have worth as a good worker, provider, mom, friend.. but I feel like he conditioned me to only think myself worthy of someone if I am needed, or a fixer. It's not so much that he, specifically, needs me. It's more I guess that I know he will accept me back because I feel unlovable.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

TXTrini said:


> Hi Erudite, sorry you're feeling this way, but it's normal. You accepted less for so long, that it wore you down. Have you been able to do any self-care? You really need to before you become too depleted, especially with the kiddos around.
> 
> It doesn't have to be fancy, you could start with little things and work your way up. If you're eating badly, eat 1 good meal. Tackle the worst corner of 1 room, and just empty the garbage. Little things add up over time and make a big difference.
> 
> ...


No, I won't call him. No worries. I considered taking time off work as self care. That was my excuse to myself. Instead it just left me in a funk. Did get some cleaning organizing done. I have read Codependant but that rebuilding one sounds interesting. My last therapist was really judgey. For real she was like "Didn't we just discuss this?" I am making the correct decisions when they are hard but I call them questionable because I still feel like I am losing something.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If you don't start exercising some self-discipline and at least get yourself to work everyday, you are going to intentionally spiral yourself down into a crisis that will be hard to get out of. 

I don't care what else you do, although I would vote against you trying to be in any relationships right now mainly because most of them are not going to work out and are going to leave you more depressed than you already are.

But no matter what is going on you need to get up and go to work. That is my best advice. Get that done so you don't self-sabotage yourself.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Erudite said:


> Thank you!! This is what I have been struggling to articulate. I have worth as a good worker, provider, mom, friend.. but I feel like he conditioned me to only think myself worthy of someone if I am needed, or a fixer. It's not so much that he, specifically, needs me. It's more I guess that I know he will accept me back because I feel unlovable.


Sister, he'll accept you back because he's a bum and you took care of him. You are indeed lovable but until you get out of this mindset of needing to be needed you'll attract bums.

Wait until you get yourself together and find a man who does things for you. I have a friend like this now (different friend then the one i talked about in your other thread)...broke up with her ex and now realizes she did everything. Gave him her credit card for groceries (they weren't married), scheduled their vacations...all that bum did was show up and *****. She's now dating a guy who makes vacations reservations himself and picks her up for the dinner he planned and she can't stop raving about how great it is to be dating a grow man. He's getting laid 5-6 times a week because she's so happy to have a grown man....grown men are sexy.

That will be you when you're ready.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Erudite said:


> No, I won't call him. No worries. I considered taking time off work as self care. That was my excuse to myself. Instead it just left me in a funk. Did get some cleaning organizing done. I have read Codependant but that rebuilding one sounds interesting. My last therapist was really judgey. For real she was like "Didn't we just discuss this?" I am making the correct decisions when they are hard but I call them questionable because I still feel like I am losing something.


Good. Time off work to do what, though and how much? If it's to wallow, that's not good. If it's to rest a little and spend time with the kids, no harm if it's not too much.

It took me a good year to go through Rebuilding, I backslide and had to re-read and redo exercises. But, I think it helped a lot. 

As for judgy therapists, tell her, yes we did, and I need more help. You're paying her to help you! She's certainly not doing it for free. 

It'll take some time for you to become comfortable with your judgment, no shortcut for that. Just try to make the best one with the information you have, and if it's not perfect, accept that and deal with things as they come. That's all you can do, it will get easier eventually.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

My suggestion, aside from making an appointment with a professional medical person, would be to pick one thing to work on as a small goal. Perhaps that's sleep - as you mentioned 'poor sleep'... decipher what 'better sleep' might look like as in quality, quantity, how you feel when you awaken and such. Then perhaps work towards a small improvement with this. Consider one small thing / an adjustment with your sleep routine that you will implement. Start out small with the concept that you can improve the adjustment as you go along.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

As usual I feel better for having posted here. Sometimes there is just something wrong or off and I can't put my finger on it until I talk it out. Some of it is tiredness and overwhelm. I agree with the comments on my judgement needing some fine tuning. 8 months in and I haven't made great strides there. I doubt I will ever reach the righteous anger phase. Will be returning to work tomorrow. Money will be tight next month and I think that also triggered my feeling of needing a partner to "share the load" as Samwise Gamgee said.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Erudite said:


> As usual I feel better for having posted here. Sometimes there is just something wrong or off and I can't put my finger on it until I talk it out. Some of it is tiredness and overwhelm. I agree with the comments on my judgement needing some fine tuning. 8 months in and I haven't made great strides there. I doubt I will ever reach the righteous anger phase. Will be returning to work tomorrow. Money will be tight next month and I think that also triggered my feeling of needing a partner to "share the load" as Samwise Gamgee said.


See how you deciding not to go to work made things spiral downward both financially and emotionally? That was within your control and you need to control it going forward or you are going to get into trouble one way or another. Put yourself on automatic and just go do it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don’t get involved with someone else, even casually, until your divorce is finalized and you have spent a lot of time reflecting why you stayed so long with someone like him. If you quickly jump into another relationship, you’re likely to end up with another user.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Openminded said:


> Don’t get involved with someone else, even casually, until your divorce is finalized and you have spent a lot of time reflecting why you stayed so long with someone like him. If you quickly jump into another relationship, you’re likely to end up with another user.


Yes, and even as bad, dating being what it is, it would be likely a lot of rejection or getting played at a time when you are not emotionally strong.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Openminded said:


> Don’t get involved with someone else, even casually, until your divorce is finalized and you have spent a lot of time reflecting why you stayed so long with someone like him. If you quickly jump into another relationship, you’re likely to end up with another user.


Yeah well...um..yeah 😬


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Yes, and even as bad, dating being what it is, it would be likely a lot of rejection or getting played at a time when you are not emotionally strong.


Well also don't want to drag someone else into my emotional quagmire either.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Erudite said:


> Well also don't want to drag someone else into my emotional quagmire either.


True. I think it would just be a roller coaster you don't need until you get yourself all squared away.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Erudite said:


> Yeah well...um..yeah 😬


People like him look for people like you. And there are lots of people like him. Work on yourself for awhile before getting into another relationship — even a casual one.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Openminded said:


> People like him look for people like you. And there are lots of people like him. Work on yourself for awhile before getting into another relationship — even a casual one.


Yeah, well too late for that. I thought I could keep it casual and friendly but grew more attached than I was willing to admit at first. He was quite the gentleman actually but It's over now. No use crying over spilt milk.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Erudite said:


> Yeah, well too late for that. I thought I could keep it casual and friendly but grew more attached than I was willing to admit at first. He was quite the gentleman actually but It's over now. No use crying over spilt milk.


Better not to repeat it any time soon. You’re not ready and may not be for awhile.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Openminded said:


> Better not to repeat it any time soon. You’re not ready and may not be for awhile.


Thankfully the man in question was pretty perceptive. We cut it short beffore we got in too deep. But I honestly think that "break up" although we were never "together", spawned the thoughts of getting back with the ex yikes!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Erudite said:


> Thankfully the man in question was pretty perceptive. We cut it short beffore we got in too deep. But I honestly think that "break up" although we were never "together", spawned the thoughts of getting back with the ex yikes!


And may explain the title of this thread because whatever it was or was not, it still feels like a breakup.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Openminded said:


> And may explain the title of this thread because whatever it was or was not, it still feels like a breakup.


I was feeling that way before actually, but it sure amplified those thoughts no doubt. Well what's done is done.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Erudite said:


> Well also don't want to drag someone else into my emotional quagmire either.


use the internet for sex and or just conversation.
no strings attached at all.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Openminded said:


> Better not to repeat it any time soon. You’re not ready and may not be for awhile.


"casual friendly" on the internet only, with someone on the other side of the country, has none of those sort of risks.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Talker67 said:


> "casual friendly" on the internet only, with someone on the other side of the country, has none of those sort of risks.


You would think that, the appeal is there, but it lulls you into a false sense of security.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Erudite said:


> You would think that, the appeal is there, but it lulls you into a false sense of security.


keep your real name, phone number, main email address secret. Fill out your profile with a city 3 towns over. and no posted pics. 
that is pretty safe indeed.


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## MikaGold (11 mo ago)

I'm sorry I didn't read anyore than your original post, but I just want to chip in with 1 of the thoughts I had.. Break up is like death. A piece of you dies. 
Treat yourself more honey than vinegar in life (thoughts etc) Be easy on yourself if you can. Grieving is though. 

Anyway, I'd yo u want to watch a vid on it watch one of the Teal Swan videos on break ups.. Her videos are very weird sometimes but these ones hit home.


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