# Cheated on 12 times



## Immortal (Jun 20, 2012)

My husband and I have been together for 10yrs, married for 4 yrs. Two kids ages 7 yrs and 4 mths. When we met, there were two other girls including myself trying to win his heart. I won. But this is my problem. He is very secretive. He has had relations (he says non sexual) with twelve other women since we've been together. Every time he does, i withhold sex from him for months. I also tried having more sex to see if this was the problem. I have repeatedly asked what was causing him to stray, if i was doing something wrong. His answer is always the same. He doesn't know. Recently I found out that he went back to the two ther women from 10 yrs ago who are also both married now. i saw messages in his fb account telling one about how much he wants to be with her, they were always soul mates, he wants to have sex with her and she feels the same way. he tells the other one ( who has no kids) that he wanted her to have his babies, he was young and stupid back then and it should have been her. I'm really hurt by these words. 
I confronted him about this and he says it doesnt mean anything, he's trying to help them. says they are having trouble in their marriages so he just tells them what they want to hear.
Now he has stopped communicating with me. I found out some things through his messages because he tells them about his business, work, feelings. things i didn't even know. I've asked for a divorce and he doesn't want one. He doesnt even want me to leave. I'm afraid this will go on forever, cause when he gets tired of flirting with one, he just moves to another. And when asked why he does it, he never knows. What should I do?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

He doesn't have to want a divorce, and he cannot stop you if you want one. Why the heck have you put up with this for so long?

Run now. Run far. File. And go have a happy life.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Immortal said:


> My husband and I have been together for 10yrs, married for 4 yrs. Two kids ages 7 yrs and 4 mths. When we met, there were two other girls including myself trying to win his heart. I won. But this is my problem. He is very secretive. He has had relations (he says non sexual) with twelve other women since we've been together. Every time he does, i withhold sex from him for months. I also tried having more sex to see if this was the problem. I have repeatedly asked what was causing him to stray, if i was doing something wrong. His answer is always the same. He doesn't know. Recently I found out that he went back to the two ther women from 10 yrs ago who are also both married now. i saw messages in his fb account telling one about how much he wants to be with her, they were always soul mates, he wants to have sex with her and she feels the same way. he tells the other one ( who has no kids) that he wanted her to have his babies, he was young and stupid back then and it should have been her. I'm really hurt by these words.
> I confronted him about this and he says it doesnt mean anything, he's trying to help them. says they are having trouble in their marriages so he just tells them what they want to hear.
> Now he has stopped communicating with me. I found out some things through his messages because he tells them about his business, work, feelings. things i didn't even know. I've asked for a divorce and he doesn't want one. He doesnt even want me to leave. I'm afraid this will go on forever, cause when he gets tired of flirting with one, he just moves to another. And when asked why he does it, he never knows. What should I do?


Sadly it will go on forever. What should you do? Leave him. Now. File for divorce. Don't look back. There is no "cure" for whatever ails him. He will not suddenly become the faithful, devoted husband you want him to be. Of course he doesn't want you to leave him. "Cake and eat it to". The balls in your court now. Are you going to accept this behavior, or are you going to walk?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Get out. Now. It's not gonna stop, no matter how much he tries to convince you otherwise.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You should divorce the self centered ass and find a man, an actual man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

Why would you want this over-wrought drama in your life? 

Get away from this man now.

He is a serial cheater and clearly has no empathy for you or your pain. 

Some situations have little or no hope and only invite more angst into your life. Clearly, this is one of them.

Find a support network of family, friends, and a therapist and get the heck out. It will be painful and hard but you will save yourself even more pain down the road. Don't waste 10 more years of your life with this poor excuse for a husband.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

You should've divorced him 11 times.


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## Immortal (Jun 20, 2012)

I know this might sound real stupid, but im afraid to be out there with my two kids on my own. i have no friends, not one and the only family i have to talk about it with is my mom and she keeps saying to try and make it work. i'm messed up and alone. Badly


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

fool me once shame you. Fool me twice shame on me. Fooll me three times shame on me. Fool me four times........... Do you get where I am going. Come on the second time should have been where you hit the highway. If you really want to stay with him and have your heart broken a 13th time go ahead. He is not going to change. Go to a lawyer and get the papers. He may magically change for you then with D papers in his face. But 12 times is it really just too many , too often. You shouldn't be in love with someone to fix them. You should be in love with someone because they love you back. That isn't the case here.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Immortal, of course you are afraid. Change is always scary and the unknown is always scary. And no one but you can tell you when it's right, but we can tell you that this won't get any better, and it's not ever going to get any easier.

So maybe an interim step is finding a social support network? Either through a religious community, or a meetup group, or whatever feels good to you.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

The first thing I would do if I were you, is get in to see
a counselor/therapist and work on yourself for at least 6 months. 

I can tell that you're weak and worn down from this.

It's no way to live.

Reach out to others, local groups or activities all while seeking
professional help for your self esteem. Work on yourself first.

Please try and remember... You *cannot* change who people are.
People make dumb decisions all throughout life... but for you to
be at peace, this must stop. Who cares if he won't.... you must.

Take control. For yourself.

Be strong enough to take that next step.
It's only your happiness for the rest of your life that relies on it.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

We all understand being afraid and hurt. He is not going to change you need to take steps for yourself

1. expose the affiars to the OW's husbands and to his family
2. get yourself a lawyer
3. go to IC as soon as you can
4. get to a Dr quick and get yourself checked for STD's and of course stop having sex with him. You need to take care of yourself and of course be there for your kids.

Pack up his stuff and put him on the street. He is not thinking about you or his kids

This is going to be hard but he will keep cheating. He is going to need a big wake up call to at least make him think about his kids. Have two BS's being after him and his parents ragging is ass will be a nice start.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Immortal said:


> He has had relations (he says non sexual) with twelve other women since we've been together. *Every time he does, i withhold sex from him for months.* I also tried having more sex to see if this was the problem.


You winning him turned out to be a Pyrrhic victory. He's not going to change -- it's in his DNA to cheat.

You are also not helping your situation by using sex as a weapon by withholding it from him for months. I don't see how this marriage will endure considering his and your behavior.

Also, life is filled with uncertainties. No one knows what tomorrow will bring -- but realize that you can make it without your husband. You just have to take things one step at a time.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Did you both try counseling?


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

lamaga said:


> He doesn't have to want a divorce, and he cannot stop you if you want one. Why the heck have you put up with this for so long?
> 
> Run now. Run far. File. And go have a happy life.












Totally agree....run!

These type of people are destructive, and not good to be around.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

tofayel said:


> This is nothing serious for want to divorce. Just try to be a good friend of your husband and be happy.


Oh, it's crazy time! Welcome! :slap:


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

How is this not serious? She's tried to tall to him and he clearly doesn't care.... Wow I'm sorry but for whoever thinks this is no big deal or that she needs to be the one to change things is obviously messed up...

Honestly you need to demand that he stops this, take the time to hopefully talk about what both of you want.(mc) If he refuses well then you have your answer and it's better to raise your kiddie without him then to show your kids that this is how you treat a spouse when your married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Immortal (Jun 20, 2012)

you guys make this sound so easy. yes we have been to counseling. but i do intend to take things slow and fix me. thanks for the advice and support. i need it


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

The only reason you don't have friends is because you spend all your time trying to jump through hoops to get the attention of your husband, whose attention is not worth getting.

Once you are on your own, you will have friends and have time for them, maybe you will even have time for a real relationship.

He's not going to change no matter what you do, and that's the point. He doesn't have to change because what he's doing already is working for him. He can get all the women he wants. If you're having sex with him, he can still get it on the side, if you're not having sex with him, he can still get it on the side. No matter what you do, he is getting a feeling of power and control. You withholding sex from him, lets him have power over your sex life. You having more sex with him, also lets him have power over your sex life. Power over you is what this relationship is all about for him. Likely it was never about being with you as your friend and being on the same team as you. It's always been about playing you against others. I would not want to be with a man I had to 'compete' with others to 'win.' I would also not make a man overly compete for my affections if I cared for him, like to be auctioned off to the highest bidder. If I'm that indecisive, I'd choose nobody at all! Or just keep dating to get more info. 

Your H is playing your competitive nature and your fear of being single and your dedication to a married state against you. Your mother is his closest ally in this endeavor, she is playing right into his hands. I bet he is really nice and courteous to her, in order to keep her pressuring you to make it work. I bet he even tells her stuff about you that's not true, in order to make your mother think that you won't do well on your own, and that the marital issues are all your fault.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

tofayel said:


> This is nothing serious for want to divorce. Just try to be a good friend of your husband and be happy.


Huh? :scratchhead:


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You have to ask? Your hard won prize is a dud.. Unfortunatly, if you stay in your marriage you will most likely get stds, spend much of your time alone and in pain. He is not capable of love and committment. He is not worth hanging on to. Let him go. He may have a sudden change into the man of your dreams when you tell him you want out. Dont buy it, dont put yourself through the pain multiple more times. domestic bliss when he cares to participate cut your loses and move on to a man that is worthy of your devotion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## loveisforever (Jun 21, 2012)

Immortal said:


> you guys make this sound so easy. yes we have been to counseling. but i do intend to take things slow and fix me. thanks for the advice and support. i need it


It will not be easy on you. You need to change yourself. Be happy with yourself and respect yourself first.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

It is easy for us. We see where this is heading and you don't. most of us here (except one) understand what you are feeling.

What if he walks out today or does not come back today?

He is not in the marriage. 

Start with the 180.

Don't do anything hastily. 

See an attorney.

Get tested for STD's.

Try to get your finances in order.

You have time.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Contact the husbands of the women and let them know what is going on. Let your husband learn there are consequences for what he likes to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

tofayel said:


> This is nothing serious for want to divorce. Just try to be a good friend of your husband and be happy.


You must be the husband.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

tofayel said:


> This is nothing serious for want to divorce. Just try to be a good friend of your husband and be happy.


I'm thinking this is either the husband of one of skanks he is talking too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Immortal (Jun 20, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Contact the husbands of the women and let them know what is going on. Let your husband learn there are consequences for what he likes to do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I did call a husband once about my husband and his wife and my husband was real mad about it and things got worse between us. he and the woman stopped talking for about a year, but i think that they still talk ever so often now.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Immortal said:


> I did call a husband once about my husband and his wife and my husband was real mad about it and things got worse between us. he and the woman stopped talking for about a year, but i think that they still talk ever so often now.


He got mad because you interfered with his cheating. It also shows you did the right thing. Often the #1 fear a cheater has is blowback hitting their affair partner. That makes exposure a super effective tool.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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