# Is this normal???



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

This is a question for the men....

Is is normal for a man to not want to get off every time during sex?? That you'd rather lie next to your partner and cuddle?

I've never experienced this, don't most men want to have an orgasm, I know for women it's not always the case, I don't have that need every time, and I sometimes just want the intimacy, I just can't wrap my head around the fact that my current partner doesn't want to cum every time during sex.

So, then I start to feel inadequate, like I don't turn him on enough, and it just feels weird. I haven't addressed it really, I asked him once, and he responded that he just wanted to lie with me....wtf??? really? And I am the type of person that I will do anything to please the person sexually, the more they are turned on, the more it turns me on. So when someone doesn't want me to do these things, it feels like I'm being rejected.

thoughts?


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## Hawk (Jan 2, 2013)

I would say yes, most men need to "finish" but I will confess to occasionally having a problem getting there if I am on a particular medication (antidepressants are notorious for this) or have masturbated recently. Also if life is particularly stressful at that point it makes concentration difficult. 

I don't think you should consider it a failure on your part but it is possible there may be an underlying problem that he is embarrassed to bring up but needs to be addressed (medical issues, porn addiction, etc.).

Hope this helps.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If he's rejecting you, curling up naked against you, enjoying the closeness of having you near is an odd way of showing it. I'd be guessing he's got some performance issues. If you didn't turn him on, he'd be watching TV or working on the car. I'm guessing that for most men, snuggling would actually be a more intimate experience than knocking boots. I'm not particularly proud of it, but I've had sex with women I didn't even like. Never snuggled for very long with one I didn't love.


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## losttexan75 (Dec 24, 2012)

What is the ratio of him wanting to finish to not finishing? Seems a little odd that a man would be ok with going thru all the motions of love making and not want to finish. Although, I have had times in my past where it was painful to finish due to the postion we were in at the time. Maybe he is proactively avoiding that same thing. In my case, I just made sure we weren't in that position towards the end. Hard to say what it could be if he isn't being as forthcoming with his feelings.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Hardly ever.

Cuddling for me is part of foreplay and also part of that post coital bliss thing.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

When you have sex and he doesn't orgasm, how long after do you have sex again? Is it within a few days? If he knows that sex is coming again fairly quickly he might not be to worried about getting his orgasm, knowing that another opportunity is coming shortly.

I know the few times I haven't gone during sex I've been disappointed, as I know sex is often several days away after.

Another option to consider is maybe your sex life is so frequent that he might not be able to go. For me, I know if we had sex today for example, I wouldn't likely be able to go again for a few days. I know this isn't normal for most men, but not all men are equal. Maybe he can get it up but isn't able to get it over the top if sex was only a few days earlier, or less. I know I can get it up for my fiancee fairly quickly again, but I can't always orgasm again for a day or two.

A third option is he's just an unselfish lover and wants to make you happy. Maybe he thinks what he's doing is what you want and appreciate and he's just trying to make you happy.

Either way, the best option is to just ask him what's up.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Whoa. If he is cuddling and making love to you , then this is not a problem. My current SO is even higher drive than I. She loves it morning and night and afternoon even if I am available. I sometime don't finish so that I have more sexual energy for our next encounter. If I have already orgasmed once in a day, I am less arousable for the next go round. In no way a rejection. Quite the opposite. I want that feeling of closeness and to give her her O with the frequency she desires.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

I agree, sounds like a performance issue. Only has there been a few times when this has happened to me and what happens is I ultimately take care of it myself if it's not happening with her. I know that if she has her orgasm first, unless she is on top, I occasionally have had difficulty due to the looseness feeling after she has hers.
But I certainly love to cuddle before and after.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> When you have sex and he doesn't orgasm, how long after do you have sex again? Is it within a few days? If he knows that sex is coming again fairly quickly he might not be to worried about getting his orgasm, knowing that another opportunity is coming shortly.
> 
> I know the few times I haven't gone during sex I've been disappointed, as I know sex is often several days away after.
> 
> ...


this is it....he is a non-selfish lover, and is very focused on pleasing me all the time, which is fine, but I am also like that, I want him to enjoy what I do for him, and it's like it really doesn't matter for him. Yes, I have to ask him, and explore this more.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

working_together said:


> this is it....he is a non-selfish lover, and is very focused on pleasing me all the time, which is fine, but I am also like that, I want him to enjoy what I do for him, and it's like it really doesn't matter for him. Yes, I have to ask him, and explore this more.


Maybe it just doesn't matter...and as a result maybe you have a relationship with two unselfish lovers who only want the best for each other sexually.

Hardly a bad way to start off a relationship I think.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I guess I am used to having sex without love, and while I am not in love with this person, he is very attached to me over a short time. He's a great guy, almost perfect, and I am not used to this, so it will take some time I guess. This is my first "relationship" since my ex husband and I ended our marriage almost a year ago after 24 years.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

working_together said:


> This is a question for the men....
> 
> Is is normal for a man to not want to get off every time during sex?? That you'd rather lie next to your partner and cuddle?
> 
> ...


hmm. It doesn't seem normal to me but people have all kinds of odd things when it comes to sex. Look at fetishes for example.

What he needs to be careful of is that this can come across emotionally weak and needy therefore damned unattractive to you. That may be why it feels wierd.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

working_together said:


> I guess I am used to having sex without love, and while I am not in love with this person, he is very attached to me over a short time. He's a great guy, almost perfect, and I am not used to this, so it will take some time I guess. This is my first "relationship" since my ex husband and I ended our marriage almost a year ago after 24 years.


You sound like my fiancee.

She was married to her ex-huband for eight years, but with him for 17 years. Me and her got together a few months after they seperated.

She had had several relationships in the past, and very few were at all caring. None were very good in general. Lots of guys who really were only after one thing, just had a different method of trying to get it. So she built up a strong dislike for men. The way she's described her situation before me, it was almost like a catch-22. She didn't like to be alone, she only liked men, but to her, men in general sucked. So damned if you do, damned if you don't when it came to being in a relationship.

As such, it took her a long while to come around completely with me. I'd say the first 2 years or so of our relationship were pretty rocky, largely to do with how other men had treated her. If for example I wanted sex, she thought I wanted sex just because I wanted to get my rocks off, not because I wanted to be close to her. If I opened the car door for her, it was just a nice gesture that was eventually going to lead me to ask for sex. That sort of thing.

After a few years she began to realize that the me she saw really was me, not just another guy.

With your guy, try not to judge him and his actions on others in your past to much. It's impossible to completely ignore the past, and you shouldn't either, but give him a chance to stand on his own merit as well and to be judged for his own actions, not for the actions of others, such as your ex-husband.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Thundarr said:


> hmm. It doesn't seem normal to me but people have all kinds of odd things when it comes to sex. Look at fetishes for example.
> 
> What he needs to be careful of is that this can come across emotionally weak and needy therefore damned unattractive to you. That may be why it feels wierd.


good point, I'm used to the "Alpha" type, or the more extreme...the jerks...lol


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

working_together said:


> This is a question for the men....
> 
> Is is normal for a man to not want to get off every time during sex?? That you'd rather lie next to your partner and cuddle?
> 
> ...


Either he can't as often as you have sex...

Or, he's "saving" his sexual drive in order to do it more often. 

I've done both. And neither have ANYTHING to do with you failing to do anything. 

Sad to say, during intercourse, the man's getting off has a lot to do with his own actions. While you can provide more stimulation by squeezing, touching, kissing, etc, ultimately, he has to pursue that final rush himself.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> When you have sex and he doesn't orgasm, how long after do you have sex again? Is it within a few days? If he knows that sex is coming again fairly quickly he might not be to worried about getting his orgasm, knowing that another opportunity is coming shortly.
> 
> I know the few times I haven't gone during sex I've been disappointed, as I know sex is often several days away after.
> 
> ...


Our sex life is not all that frequent. We see each other every other weekend because he has his kids during that time, and I have mine during the week, and obviously introductions won't be happening soon. So we may have sex twice during the weekend, the first time he gets off, the other he doesn't. He hesitates to initiate, so I may have to do some of that now. I remember him telling me that he's still "nervous" around me, doesn't want to "mess things up" and finds me kind of intimitating. He's not the first person to tell me this, so that bothers me, but that's a whole other thread. With my "casual" relationship that went on for a few months, that person and I would have sex about 3-4 times over 24 hours, and while he was keen to please me, he also wanted his needs met, it was very balanced, too bad he was a jerk...lol..so yeah, this is new for me, especially since my drive is higher than it was a few years ago.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

My husband sometimes likes to do this to build the tension for the next day. Not sure if that's what's going on for your guy.


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## kevinocarro (Jan 3, 2013)

I've had sex with women I didn't even like. Never snuggled for very long with one I didn't love.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

working_together said:


> Our sex life is not all that frequent. We see each other every other weekend because he has his kids during that time, and I have mine during the week, and obviously introductions won't be happening soon. So we may have sex twice during the weekend, the first time he gets off, the other he doesn't. He hesitates to initiate, so I may have to do some of that now. I remember him telling me that he's still "nervous" around me, doesn't want to "mess things up" and finds me kind of intimitating. He's not the first person to tell me this, so that bothers me, but that's a whole other thread. With my "casual" relationship that went on for a few months, that person and I would have sex about 3-4 times over 24 hours, and while he was keen to please me, he also wanted his needs met, it was very balanced, too bad he was a jerk...lol..so yeah, this is new for me, especially since my drive is higher than it was a few years ago.


If he's the kind of man you want in your life, then this is something worth working on long-term. It sounds like you have many other hurdles to clear first though.


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

All I can say is if I demanded my wife have an orgasm each and every time we had sex and anything else is abnormal and I posted that on this forum I would not get many supportive replies.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

StargateFan said:


> All I can say is if I demanded my wife have an orgasm each and every time we had sex and anything else is abnormal and I posted that on this forum I would not get many supportive replies.


Further proof that the genders are different and that double standards apply. It's not always a bad thing. On occasion my wife doesn't get off. Not a big deal. If I didn't get off then I suspect she would find it worrying just because it's less common for men.

Somewhere here though I think OP is fighting with how she knows she SHOULD feel about it versus how she DOES feel about it. That weird feeling in the pit of her stomach that says "I don't like this" is instinctual.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

A bit of an update...

So we spent the weekend at his place, and I guess he's feeling more relaxed around me now. I could tell he was just more at ease with himself sexually with me. He didn't just want to "cuddle" at any point, which I get is something that goes on from the people who responded on here, but maybe I just assumed that the cuddling would happen after we'd been seeing each other longer. I also told him he was difficult to read sexually, I'm not even sure I made sense. I like to know what the person enjoys, and I feel I need to hear it. He responded that It's hard at the beginning of a relationship when you're still getting to know the person. I suppose that makes sense.

so, thanks for everyone's comments and ideas, it really helped me understand things from a male perspective.


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