# Am probably going to leave at some point...



## janachic15 (Jan 15, 2013)

Or separate, whichever. 

Hey everyone - just thought I'd get this out there to see thoughts, ideas, or any other tips. Two issues here really.

My husband and I have been married nearly 5 years. I've been really miserable the past 3 years - we are living as if we are roommates. He acknowledged this several months ago and then we started going to marriage/couples counseling with my Pastor. Nothing has helped, and I still feel like I want to leave, or at least try a separation to see if it's what we really want. Thing is, he doesn't want me to go. I've gone through every emotion in the book, from anger to complete sadness and sobbing. 

Our Pastor heard us talking and gave us advice (which we tried) but nothing seems to make him or I any happier. The Pastor did suggest a trial separation only for a few months to see what would happen. He didn't judge us and he only offered his support, should something happen. My husband loves me and I still do love and care for him, I just think that we would be much better friends than husband and wife. We dated for only 7 months before he proposed, and even then it was a long-distance relationship...I only saw him once every few weeks.

*sigh*

My moods are always depressing and sad, no matter how much he tries to cheer me up. I also have anxiety issues and am constantly worrying about the situation. He still knows I want to leave but because he's so nice about it, it makes me feel awful about thinking it. 

The other issue here is my parents. They are overly traditional, very Christian, and tend to be judgmental for things like this. I am DREADING telling them if/when we separate. They also adore my husband (with good reason, he's a good person by nature), so it will be like a double shock to them that this is all happening behind the scenes. I am worrying myself to death over HOW to tell them. They don't know I'm unhappy because I don't really like to get into personal matters with them as it is. They also live 3 states away.

If/when I tell them, I refuse to do it over the phone because it will likely result in me bawling my eyes out in the corner and my father being manipulative as usual, with guilt. I already feel horrid as is! 

Hmm, so, any suggestions? Sorry this is so long! I had a lot to let out. I actually dread going home every night, despite my husband being still caring through what I've put him through. 

Thanks everybody.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you adore this guy and want to be friends with him, what's the problem? Is it possible your depression and anxiety have more to do with brain chemistry than with your husband? It'd be a shame to ditch a perfectly acceptable guy only to find out you'd still have depression and anxiety. Have you seen a doc? My wife has severe depression. She could swap me out for any other man on the planet (or choose to live alone) and she'd still have depression. I wouldn't read too much into moods because too many things can alter them.


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## janachic15 (Jan 15, 2013)

Yes, I have seen a doctor and am currently on anti-depressants. We have no sexual chemistry, we don't even have the same interests, we are literally roommates. I told him when we were dating, that I didn't want to have children. Last year he said he changed his mind and expects to have a family someday. I was very upset also at the time due to that, but I let it slide, thinking he was saying that in the heat of the moment. Well, he brought it up again in October, saying that he thought he could change me. That kinda stuck with me. I still don't want children.

I forgot to add that point onto my post...d'oh.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Jesus Christ was very clear on marriage and divorce, read the gospels. 

Outside of that, it is pretty clear that your unhappiness has nothing to do with your husband. There are some great books out there that can help if chemistry is the issue. I've heard His Needs, Her Needs is a very good one. 

I strongly suggest that you stay married and avoid seperation.


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## janachic15 (Jan 15, 2013)

wilderness said:


> Jesus Christ was very clear on marriage and divorce, read the gospels.
> 
> Outside of that, it is pretty clear that your unhappiness has nothing to do with your husband. There are some great books out there that can help if chemistry is the issue. I've heard His Needs, Her Needs is a very good one.
> 
> I strongly suggest that you stay married and avoid seperation.


I do read the gospels, thanks. Like I said, we were going to our pastor for counseling...we go to church together. I am more than familiar with the Bible, Jesus, and His teachings.

I'm still unhappy and some of it does indeed have to do with my husband, but certainly not the majority, I admit that. Otherwise thanks for your reply and recommendation.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

I don't mean to be a jerk, but if you admit that most of your unhappiness is unrelated to your husband, why in the world would you even consider a divorce at this point? That would be like quitting one's job in order to fix a leaky roof.


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## janachic15 (Jan 15, 2013)

wilderness said:


> I don't mean to be a jerk, but if you admit that most of your unhappiness is unrelated to your husband, why in the world would you even consider a divorce at this point? That would be like quitting one's job in order to fix a leaky roof.



I never said divorcing, only leaving. Could be temporary for all I know. I don't share your viewpoint. There is a big part that IS related to him, in my reply to the first responder.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

I will share with you some wisdom. Some of it has been stated already.

The scriptures only allow for divorce in the case of adultery. That did not occur in this case, so divorce is off the table from that perspective. I am a fellow Christian and I believe in accoutability among belivers. I say this out of love and not spite. GOD does not give us the "right" to be happy nor does the bible say that GOD wants us to be happy or that we deserve to be happy. Being happy is a choice WE make OURSELVES and has nothing to do with anyone else. You SHOULD be able to be happy on your own with or without a partner in life.

Also

Divorce seldom leads to happiness long term. Some people DO go on to have great second marriages. They are rare. The divorce rate for second marriages is upwards of 70%. Divorce doesn't solve problems either. You can divorce the spouse but the issues inside you that lead to the divorce are still within you until they are dealt with. 

Either way, the choice is yours as we all have free will. Just remember that choices have consequences. Best of luck.


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## janachic15 (Jan 15, 2013)

Married in VA said:


> I will share with you some wisdom. Some of it has been stated already.
> 
> The scriptures only allow for divorce in the case of adultery. That did not occur in this case, so divorce is off the table from that perspective. I am a fellow Christian and I believe in accoutability among belivers. I say this out of love and not spite. GOD does not give us the "right" to be happy nor does the bible say that GOD wants us to be happy or that we deserve to be happy. Being happy is a choice WE make OURSELVES and has nothing to do with anyone else. You SHOULD be able to be happy on your own with or without a partner in life.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your advice.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

janachic15 said:


> I never said divorcing, only leaving. Could be temporary for all I know. I don't share your viewpoint. There is a big part that IS related to him, in my reply to the first responder.


Actually, you did say that you share my viewpoint:



> I'm still unhappy and some of it does indeed have to do with my husband, but certainly not *the majority* (emphasis mine), I admit that.


So with all due respect, are the majority of your problems caused by your husband, or not caused by your husband?


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Let me venture a guess. You want to seperate so you can find yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## janachic15 (Jan 15, 2013)

Thoreau said:


> Let me venture a guess. You want to seperate so you can find yourself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No.


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## janachic15 (Jan 15, 2013)

wilderness said:


> Actually, you did say that you share my viewpoint:
> 
> 
> 
> So with all due respect, are the majority of your problems caused by your husband, or not caused by your husband?


haha, ok. I meant share your viewpoint in the fixing a leaky roof analogy, not that the problems are caused by him or not.

There are several that are caused by him and some that are caused by me. If I really had to estimate i'd say its 40% him, 60% me.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

janachic15 said:


> haha, ok. I meant share your viewpoint in the fixing a leaky roof analogy, not that the problems are caused by him or not.
> 
> There are several that are caused by him and some that are caused by me. If I really had to estimate i'd say its 40% him, 60% me.


I have to call you on the carpet a little bit here...
First of all, if it's you causing almost 2/3 of the problems in your life-why would you even consider leaving/seperating/divorcing at this point? Why not fix the 60% that you are the cause of, and then reevaluate at that point?
Secondly, about your husband causing you the 40% of the problems, things that you said-



> My husband loves me and I still do love and care for him,





> My moods are always depressing and sad, no matter how much he tries to cheer me up.





> They also adore my husband (with good reason, he's a good person by nature)





> I actually dread going home every night, despite my husband being still caring through what I've put him through.


I hate to tell you, but the picture you are painting of your husband is one of an amazing person. You are hurting him, mistreating him, betraying him, trying to destroy his life, and yet he is still being supportive of you. And you admit that he is a good person, he's caring, that you love him, and care for him.

You really need to wake up and look at what you are trying to throw away...you are trying to throw people's lives away. Not just you, your family, your husbands family, your friends, etc.. Pray to the Lord (the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, the God of Jacob) in the name of Jesus Christ and ask Him to show you the truth about what you should do.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

By the way you should strongly consider giving up the antideppressants. They can be very harmful to a person's spirituality.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My wife had zero sex drive for the past 10 years and we were mostly living like roommates. For no reason I can understand, the last month, she's been jumping my bones like we're teenagers. I'm the same guy. Sex drive can be influenced by a host of things and the absence of it doesn't necessarily mean it's gone for good or that you don't love each other or that it would be any better with any other partner. 
Every couple gets some sort of challenge they have to face. Some have to bury their child. Some have to deal with terminal illness. You and your husband get to deal with depression and low drive. A challenge doesn't have to be a deal-breaker. It could be an opportunity to get tough and get closer. There are lots of ways to be intimate without being sexual. Take walks, joke, talk, go out to dinner. This might be the time to turn toward each other instead of away. The grass aint always greener somewhere else.


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