# A Truth From a Stranger



## Rememberist (May 26, 2015)

I'm the sailor with a breast cancer stricken wife who said she felt we had grown apart and wanted to maybe separate.

We both saw the same chaplain separately and things were getting better. No intimacy, but more affection and upbeat friendliness. I went on a couple of work trips alone, and I had no problem with her taking a couple of trips home for breast cancer walks and to be at her friend's daughter's graduation. 

This last week we celebrated our 15 year wedding anniversary with a harbor wine cruise. Had a lot of fun, slow danced, etc. It looked like things were finally turning around. But she had too much to drink and passed out at home, so no anniversary/make-up nookie (our first in two years). The next day, we're alone at home, content, and I say how about we finish what we were starting yesterday. 

Nope. Her feelings have not changed. In fact, she said counseling was not helping, and she did not see a need in couples counseling. She wanted to move forward with a separation and divorce. But still she loved me, it was unfair for neither of us to have a life of no intimacy, but she no longer felt that way. She said we had grown apart. I told her I haven't, she shut down on me. I try to engage her in companionship, romance, and intimacy regularly.

My plan was to separate, and let her learn that life is better together. I'd be sweet and supportive through the whole thing until it was over or she woke up.

Then someone anonymous messages me. They had seen all our happy pics from the anniversary and they couldn't stand her continuing to lie to me. This person who must know her from back home said she was having an affair with a lover in her home state and that they could no longer stand the disgusting way she was keeping me in the dark. Said she was planning to divorce me no matter what.

I confront the wife. She denies it, but she's very cagey. I pressure and question and probe. Finally she admits she has "reconnected" with the guy she was with before me, the guy that dumped her and broke her heart the year before we met. She had always had lingering feelings for him, could not explain why she was withdrawing from me, and the cancer put it all in perspective for her. She "emotionally reconnected" with him, but insisted they had not kissed or done anything during her trips home.

Yet, someone thought their "reconnection" was blatant enough to call it an affair and send me an anonymous message.

I'm done. I'm not going to fight her or fight for her. She's thrown away our lives. I tell my best friend and family, and they insist they always saw this flighty/mean streak, but never said anything because I was marrying the girl I loved. Thanks for that.

My brother says that she was a big gal when we met, then my insurance paid for her gastric bypass, breast cancer treatments, and breast reconstruction, she's now better looking than she's ever been. Rather than share that bounty with the guy who supported her through 5 years of waning action and two years of no sex, she turned to the one who got away. He says she's a spoiled child and it's not my fault, but I blame myself anyway.

Why wasn't I good enough for her? Do I hide her burgeoning infidelity from my kids? Do I go the mutual amicable divorce route or the expensive, vindictive one? How should I move on? Should I open myself to someone else, pre-separation/divorce, or would that screw me? Is an emotional affair carry any weight, or just proven adultery?

- Rememberist


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Why the new thread?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Right now, seek counseling for yourself and then try to get some solid legal advice on what your next step in the separation/divorce process could be! Be prepared to explain to your kids why this happened but try to use non-accusatory verbiage that they can better comprehend!

My advice would be to not engage yourself in any extracurricular relationships with other women while you should spend time grieving the end of your long-term marriage ~ preeminently to help ready yourself more emotionally for your next one!

I wish you well!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

She's going to dump you for the d0chebag that dumped her in a desperate attempt to capture the fantasy she's built up and to prove to herself that she's so awesome said d0uche realized she was the one that got away.

This is how many women think, they dream up fantasies about some guy pining for them because they're so special.


Likely it won't go down like she expects and there is a chance she'll be back crying about how she made a mistake. Especially if her health takes a turn.....and she doesn't have the kind of insurance she has with the military. The life you provide may start to look very attractive, especially if and when d0uche shows his true self.

Think long and hard about whether you want her back.


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## Rememberist (May 26, 2015)

Yeah, those maintenance meds for a minimum of five years are awful expensive.


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