# I cheated and want to fix it...



## id10t (Dec 10, 2012)

I apologize in advance if this turns into a rant or is hard to follow. My wife and I have been married for 16 years but have been together for 20. When we met it was truly love at first site for both of us. I truly do love my wife more than i can possibly express but I still managed to cheat on her. My wife doesn't believe this and many of you probably won't as well but it was one time only and there was nothing emotional involved at all. I stumbled across the escort section on backpage and started looking at the escorts in our area. One day I called one and set an appointment. I went and felt guilty the entire time. I was there maybe 15 mins in whole start to finish. i hated and despised myself the whole time and since. Even though it made me sick to think about what I had done i was obsessed with looking at backpage. I even went as far as writing down names and numbers and prices of escorts but every time i started looking or thinking about it again it made me feel sick and disgusted with myself. I honestly don't think that I would have ever done it again even though i kept looking. I have honestly been disgusted by and despised myself for what i have done. I can't say exactly why i did what i did other i know that it was something wrong or lacking in myself. I do know that my lack, or unwillingness, or inability to communicate my feelings and other thoughts was a huge factor because that inevitably made me cut myself off from my wife and our marriage to a degree. My wife is the most loving, wonderful, sexy person i have ever known in my life. I know the problem lied/lies with me and i will do any and everything in my power to make things right, or as right as they can possibly be after something like this. I know that my communication problems are the core of what allowed this to happen and i am working on that as much as possible. I have never been one to easily talk about my feelings or things like that but I know that is what it will take to make sure that i never do anything like this to my wife again. She has always said and it makes perfect sense that "you don't fix a marriage by going outside the marriage" and she's 1000% correct in that. No matter how difficult is might be to talk about or how hurtful it may be to myself or my wife it, communicating will NEVER hurt either one of us as badly as what I have done. I wish day to day, minute to minute that i could undo what I have done but I can't. All i can do is promise my wife that it will NEVER happen again. What I have destroyed and almost lost is entirely my fault and I realize now even if i didn't before or even if i had lost sight of what was important that my marriage, our relationship, my wife, the absolute love of my life is the only thing that is important to me and i will do any and everything possible to make things right again. To my wife: I LOVE YOU more than words can express and i am so sorry for what i have done. I know that doesn't ease the pain, the doubt, the anger or fear but it's the truth. I absolutely loathe myself and what I have done to us. I only hope to prove to you that I am still the person that you fell in love with and that i will love and want you forever.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You're doing a good job of communicating here. Perhaps you should write down your feelings on a regular basis for your W to read.

(I'm assuming she's reading this, since it appears to be directed at her.)


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## id10t (Dec 10, 2012)

I should probably also point out that this is not the first time i have done something wrong involving other women. Shortly after we got together i was obsessed with calling 900 sex numbers and then years later, years ago i was caught up in chat rooms and became a cyber-cheater. My wife sees this as escalating behavior and i completely understand how and why she thinks this. Never have any of my indiscretions had anything to do with my wife and I know that is difficult for her and probably anyone to believe but it's the truth. They all stemmed from something wrong with me. I am determined that nothing like any of these will ever happen again and am working to make sure of that.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You edited your post to give more detail, so I have some questions. How did you 'stumble across' the escort pages? How did your wife find out what you did?


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## id10t (Dec 10, 2012)

As far as stumbling across backpage i dont know 100% but if I had to guess I would say it came up while searching for or looking at porn. It was honestly something i came across and was surprised because i never thought there was anything like that in our area. 

My wife found out because there was a list of names, numbers and prices in my email. I had copied it there at some point and forgotten about it. My wife had and has access to my email and found it there by accident one day. I started out lying and claiming that it was just a list and that I had never done anything. I finally came clean because she already thought i had done it and didn't believe my lies and that's how much I wanted to fix things between us. I knew that couldn't happen or possibly happen unless I told the truth. I honestly didn't know if she would leave me or not.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Well, it sounds like your W is correct. This is escalating. It also sounds like a very old story.

You are driven to porn - this in and of itself is quite human and natural. Then, it goes a bit further to the personal experience, i.e., chat rooms. You get an itch that you need to scratch & you can't seem to help yourself. And then once you've scratched it, you're calmer and feel guilty because you love your wife. But then the itch starts again & you have to scratch it again & now you're making appointments with prostitutes. 

You would have continued doing this if your wife hadn't caught you. Now she knows, though, so you are begging her to believe that it has nothing to do with her.

This strikes very hard at her, though. From her perspective, it has everything to do with her. From yours, you can go several ways:

- Split from your wife so that you can scratch the itch when you want without guilt.
- Beg your W to forgive you & when she lets you stay, you behave yourself until things calm down & then you scratch the itch again. This time, you cover your tracks much better. (She will probably find out again, though, and you will hurt her again.)
- Beg your W to forgive you & when she lets you stay, you go into therapy to learn how you can stop your behavior & not do something like this to hurt her again.

I would opt for the first or third option. If you stay with your W, you need therapy.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

id10t said:


> I should probably also point out that this is not the first time i have done something wrong involving other women. Shortly after we got together i was obsessed with calling 900 sex numbers and then years later, years ago i was caught up in chat rooms and became a cyber-cheater. *My wife sees this as escalating behavior *and i completely understand how and why she thinks this. Never have any of my indiscretions had anything to do with my wife and I know that is difficult for her and probably anyone to believe but it's the truth. They all stemmed from something wrong with me. I am determined that nothing like any of these will ever happen again and am working to make sure of that.


And you know something? She is right. It is. You need to get into IC. very, very quickly.


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## Horrible Mistake (Dec 10, 2012)

I am not sure how to do this, but I need help. I have just been caught emailing, however it never went any further. After reading this, I feel like my husbands actions had steered what I did in the direction it went. 
First I must tell you I have had a problem in the past flirting, & attentive to other guys. This time I really messed up. I got on match.com just to look, then I emailed a few guys & sent a couple of pictures. I was horrible. There is no one to blame but myself & since all this has come out I have had all kinds of trouble fuctioning. This is my 2nd marriage, & we recently celebrated our 4th anniversary, but unfortunately we have had several obsticles to overcome. Blending families has been very challenging & has almost put an end to the the marriage. My husband is in the military & has been there for almost 20 years. For whatever reason he has an anger problem. I don't feel like he would ever physically abuse me, but he has been very verbally abusive. In fact the words have really affected me. I 2nd guess abt everything I do, I feel like what I do is never good enough. Anyway can someone tell me what I could possibly do to at least get him to give me 1 more chance in order to try to regain trust. I do love him very much & I know that one of these days it will be the two of us. Thank you


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## megmg (Sep 30, 2012)

Your story mirrors mine except I didn't do the call girls, did 3 ONS, why do we (men) have problems with communication !!!!!.

We too have been together for 20 years (married for 17)

All your feelings I have/had and also started with looking at porn whilst in work.

Your feelings for your wife mirror mine for my wife, it's so hard to talk and get words straight as they always come out wrong when emotion is involved

I too am trying to fix my M. All advice welcome as to how we do this successfully


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## Horrible Mistake (Dec 10, 2012)

What are you doing to regain her trust? Would there be any possible way to keep this marriage alive if she would have tried to reach out to other men?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> It is. You need to get into IC. very, very quickly.


:iagree:

For all three of you on this thread with this problem.

There's a possibility of a sex addiction & therapy might not make it livable for your spouse. No matter what, the therapy is your only shot, in my opinion.


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## Horrible Mistake (Dec 10, 2012)

I am confused. What I did was get on match.com, I never met the guys.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Horrible Mistake said:


> I am not sure how to do this, but I need help. I have just been caught emailing, however it never went any further. After reading this, I feel like my husbands actions had steered what I did in the direction it went.
> First I must tell you I have had a problem in the past flirting, & attentive to other guys. This time I really messed up. I got on match.com just to look, then I emailed a few guys & sent a couple of pictures. I was horrible. There is no one to blame but myself & since all this has come out I have had all kinds of trouble fuctioning. This is my 2nd marriage, & we recently celebrated our 4th anniversary, but unfortunately we have had several obsticles to overcome. Blending families has been very challenging & has almost put an end to the the marriage. My husband is in the military & has been there for almost 20 years. For whatever reason he has an anger problem. I don't feel like he would ever physically abuse me, but he has been very verbally abusive. In fact the words have really affected me. I 2nd guess abt everything I do, I feel like what I do is never good enough. Anyway can someone tell me what I could possibly do to at least get him to give me 1 more chance in order to try to regain trust. I do love him very much & I know that one of these days it will be the two of us. Thank you


Professional counselling might be a good place to start. Could the army help with that?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Horrible Mistake said:


> I am confused. What I did was get on match.com, I never met the guys.


I think from your husbands point of view, that'd be bad enough, in all honesty.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Also, HM, I was assuming that you were identifying with OP in terms of his problem. Perhaps you should start your own thread to get some directed help for what you are going through.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> I apologize in advance if this turns into a rant or is hard to follow. My wife and I have been married for 16 years but have been together for 20. When we met it was truly love at first site for both of us. I truly do love my wife more than i can possibly express but I still managed to cheat on her. My wife doesn't believe this and many of you probably won't as well but it was one time only and there was nothing emotional involved at all. I stumbled across the escort section on backpage and started looking at the escorts in our area. One day I called one and set an appointment.


From man to man, let me call you on your bulsh!t... You "love" your wife so much that you just picked some hooker on a paper and went and had sex with her. You tell yourself whatever you want to make yourself feel good, but as far as I'm concerned you save that kind of antics.

You obviously don't "love" your wife that much, if you were willing to throw it all away for some sex with some hooker. 



> I know that my communication problems are the core of what allowed this to happen


I beg to differ. What lies at the core of this is that you would rather betray your marriage, risking destruction of it, rather than work on what was wrong. 



> To my wife: I LOVE YOU more than words can express and i am so sorry for what i have done. I know that doesn't ease the pain, the doubt, the anger or fear but it's the truth. I absolutely loathe myself and what I have done to us. I only hope to prove to you that I am still the person that you fell in love with and that i will love and want you forever.


Is she reading this? Or do you suspect she may have installed spyware on your computer and you're writing this for her eyes?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

For OP and megmg - you both talk of communication problems. Do you mean being able to express your feelings now to your wives, or do you mean in general in your marriages before you were caught cheating?


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## id10t (Dec 10, 2012)

I'm not opposed to counseling, I will do anything i can to try to make things right but I also don't have much faith in it. I am a firm believer in being able to understand and make a difference in yourself. Especially if you have a very intuitive and open wife like I do. That is one of the points about communication that i keep trying to stress to my wife. I honestly feel like if I were to feel an itch to scratch as you put it, that if I am open with my wife then we can figure out what is going on and work it out and fix it together.


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## Angelvamp64 (Dec 10, 2012)

I am married to the OP of this thread. He did this for me. I have been lurking here for over a week and was too ashamed to post. He asked me if it would help if he posted on here and I said yes.

I have known for many, many years that he has a problem. I also know he loves me. We have gone through many, many things and have always come out stronger and stronger. Saying I am heartbroken by his actual cheating would be an understatement. I am going through all of the typical things a BS goes through. Why am I not enough for him? If I was younger/thinner/prettier etc, etc. I do believe it is HIS problem. But the thing is, how does he fix it? Can it be fixed? I am willing to do whatever it takes to save this marriage and I believe 100% that is also. We have actually been closer since then happened than we had been in over the past year. We are that strong and determined to make this work. I completely agree he needs professional help, but we do not have the money right now. I am not mad at him and I have forgiven him. The problem now is the never ending images that go through my mind constantly and the thought that he shared what was mine with some trash. I ask myself every second how could he love me as much as I know he does and hurt me like this? How could 15 mins of sex with some trashy call girl be worth it to risk what we have? We have something special and we both know it. I just need for him to get the help he needs so that maybe one day I can trust him again and for some of this unbearable pain to go away...thanks for listening.


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## id10t (Dec 10, 2012)

communications problems in general as far as expressing my feelings and such.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Angelvamp64 said:


> I am married to the OP of this thread. He did this for me. I have been lurking here for over a week and was too ashamed to post. He asked me if it would help if he posted on here and I said yes.
> 
> I have known for many, many years that he has a problem. I also know he loves me. We have gone through many, many things and have always come out stronger and stronger. Saying I am heartbroken by his actual cheating would be an understatement. I am going through all of the typical things a BS goes through. Why am I not enough for him? If I was younger/thinner/prettier etc, etc. I do believe it is HIS problem. But the thing is, how does he fix it? Can it be fixed? I am willing to do whatever it takes to save this marriage and I believe 100% that is also. We have actually been closer since then happened than we had been in over the past year. We are that strong and determined to make this work. I completely agree he needs professional help, but we do not have the money right now. I am not mad at him and I have forgiven him. The problem now is the never ending images that go through my mind constantly and the thought that he shared what was mine with some trash. I ask myself every second how could he love me as much as I know he does and hurt me like this? How could 15 mins of sex with some trashy call girl be worth it to risk what we have? We have something special and we both know it. I just need for him to get the help he needs so that maybe one day I can trust him again and for some of this unbearable pain to go away...thanks for listening.


Alright, i thought this thread had a clear target audience and i wasn't wrong. As a i guy i have know plenty of guys who had/have the behavior of your husband. All i can say is that you should really put the squeeze on him, because, quite honestly, you can't trust a word he says right now. As i read his first post my bullsh!t meter was going through the roof. 

Take care, and i'm sorry you're here for these reasons.


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## Angelvamp64 (Dec 10, 2012)

You think I don't know how this looks? I am the one living this! He did this because he is willing to do whatever it takes to make things right. I don't believe him except for how he feels about me because his actions towards me (with the obvious exception of him cheating), have always been that he loves me. You have a right to think what you want, but we are here to fix our marriage and thought this board would be a good place to get advice.


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## id10t (Dec 10, 2012)

costa200 said:


> From man to man, let me call you on your bulsh!t... You "love" your wife so much that you just picked some hooker on a paper and went and had sex with her. You tell yourself whatever you want to make yourself feel good, but as far as I'm concerned you save that kind of antics.
> 
> 
> You obviously don't "love" your wife that much, if you were willing to throw it all away for some sex with some hooker.
> ...


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Idi0t
Why so reluctant to see a counselor? they don't make decisions for you. They listen to your issues as we do here. They ask questions as we do here. They usually DO NOT give advice (as we do here) but they do (if they're any good) lead you to form conclusions about your issues. Give it a try. A good counselor is gold. A bad counselor is worse than none. It is important to interview the counselor and find out what their area of specialization and experience is. 

It is not usually a good idea to see a lay person from a church. I say this as a practicing catholic - I don't have anything against well meaning church people but they are not trained. We aren't either but most here have the _experience_ that can be valuable. 

You're willing to try anything? Try counseling.

Find a counselor with experience in addictions


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## id10t (Dec 10, 2012)

megmg said:


> Your story mirrors mine except I didn't do the call girls, did 3 ONS, why do we (men) have problems with communication !!!!!.
> 
> We too have been together for 20 years (married for 17)
> 
> ...


I sorry to hear that you're in a similar situation to my own. I wish i had advice to give. All i can do is say that I wish you luck on repairing your marriage.


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## id10t (Dec 10, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Idi0t
> Why so reluctant to see a counselor? they don't make decisions for you. They listen to your issues as we do here. They ask questions as we do here. They usually DO NOT give advice (as we do here) but they do (if they're any good) lead you to form conclusions about your issues. Give it a try. A good counselor is gold. A bad counselor is worse than none. It is important to interview the counselor and find out what their area of specialization and experience is.
> 
> It is not usually a good idea to see a lay person from a church. I say this as a practicing catholic - I don't have anything against well meaning church people but they are not trained. We aren't either but most here have the _experience_ that can be valuable.
> ...


I'm not reluctant to see a counselor other than the financial reasons that my wife listed above and that i just don't have much faith in counselors. I agree that if you can find a good one that they can probably make a difference i just believe that what can be achieved with a counselor can also be achieved without one given enough introspection.


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## Horrible Mistake (Dec 10, 2012)

WoW thanks. Kick me while I am down


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## Horrible Mistake (Dec 10, 2012)

I deserve it I know. I am going to couseling & I also asked God to ghelp me with this, & made a commitment to him as well. I did not touch or get close to any of them. 
Someone suggested couseling but I know my husband wouldn't do it. He thinks he knows everything, but I have to say if he would have been treating me like a husband should I would have never even thought to look.
I just would like some suggestions. I know I was wrong, please don't beat me down any further. O forgot to say that my husbands 1st wife actually physically cheated because she wanted to be noticed, feel pretty


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> Yes she is reading this. She has complete access to my computer and can install anything she wants on it. That's not the point. I have said nothing on this forum that I haven't said to her face to face. Take that for whatever you believe it's worth. Like i said to start with, you know a very, VERY small part about our history and our relationship as well as about me. Please be careful how you draw your conclusions.


Dude, i'm not your wife. I'm a man. I can smell through your flash dance like it's not there. The reason why i'm not going to dissect all the crapolla you posted in the opening post is that your wife is reading this and i don't want to hurt her more than what you already did. Out of respect for her i'm going to let you try and be more than a boy and man up to what you need to face if your marriage is to be continued.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Horrible Mistake said:


> I am not sure how to do this, but I need help. I have just been caught emailing, however it never went any further. After reading this, I feel like my husbands actions had steered what I did in the direction it went.
> First I must tell you I have had a problem in the past flirting, & attentive to other guys. This time I really messed up. I got on match.com just to look, then I emailed a few guys & sent a couple of pictures. I was horrible. There is no one to blame but myself & since all this has come out I have had all kinds of trouble fuctioning. This is my 2nd marriage, & we recently celebrated our 4th anniversary, but unfortunately we have had several obsticles to overcome. Blending families has been very challenging & has almost put an end to the the marriage. My husband is in the military & has been there for almost 20 years. For whatever reason he has an anger problem. I don't feel like he would ever physically abuse me, but he has been very verbally abusive. In fact the words have really affected me. I 2nd guess abt everything I do, I feel like what I do is never good enough. Anyway can someone tell me what I could possibly do to at least get him to give me 1 more chance in order to try to regain trust. I do love him very much & I know that one of these days it will be the two of us. Thank you


YOu need to start your own thread. cut/paste this to your thead and then people can help you out there.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Horrible Mistake:
I don't see that anyone kicked you. I know you want and need help. 
Please go to the front page of this board and look at the top left side. There's a button there for starting a new thread. Put a title that explains the help you need. Then copy the first post you put on Idi0t's thread. You'll get more help that way. 
Good luck


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Horrible Mistake said:


> I just would like some suggestions.


You would get more feedback if you started a thread with your specific circumstances.Good luck.


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## Angelvamp64 (Dec 10, 2012)

what do you think he isn't facing up to me? Since this is some kind of "man can only understand issue" please enlighten me


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Horrible Mistake said:


> I deserve it I know. I am going to couseling & I also asked God to ghelp me with this, & made a commitment to him as well. I did not touch or get close to any of them.
> Someone suggested couseling but I know my husband wouldn't do it. He thinks he knows everything, but I have to say if he would have been treating me like a husband should I would have never even thought to look.
> I just would like some suggestions. I know I was wrong, please don't beat me down any further. O forgot to say that my husbands 1st wife actually physically cheated because she wanted to be noticed, feel pretty


No one is kicking you.. you have been asked to start your own thread. It's almost impossible to have conversations with 2 or people on one thread. Please start your own thead and people will be glad to help you.


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## DrDavidCOlsen (Oct 7, 2012)

Recovery involves several steps. First, consistently keep communicating to her how badly you feel. Continually move into her pain, and make sure she knows that you will do anything to repair this. Make sure she understands that you believe that this was an impulse, not a reaction to marital problems. Second, continue to ask for anything you can do to rebuild trust.
Make sure there are no secrets, no secret email accounts, passwords etc. Let her know you will do anything to rebuild trust.
Third, forgiveness is a long term process and goes through stages. Let her know you will accept her pace for the forgiveness process.
David Olsen, Ph.D, LMFT


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## id10t (Dec 10, 2012)

DrDavidCOlsen said:


> Recovery involves several steps. First, consistently keep communicating to her how badly you feel. Continually move into her pain, and make sure she knows that you will do anything to repair this. Make sure she understands that you believe that this was an impulse, not a reaction to marital problems. Second, continue to ask for anything you can do to rebuild trust.
> Make sure there are no secrets, no secret email accounts, passwords etc. Let her know you will do anything to rebuild trust.
> Third, forgiveness is a long term process and goes through stages. Let her know you will accept her pace for the forgiveness process.
> David Olsen, Ph.D, LMFT


Thank you for you advice. I like to think that i'm already on this path.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Angelvamp64 said:


> what do you think he isn't facing up to me? Since this is some kind of "man can only understand issue" please enlighten me


I think it's hard for us to know if your H is being completely forthcoming about what he has done.

For OP: Communication is certainly important, but your actions will in the end make or break things when infidelity is an issue. It helps, of course, if you can talk to your W honestly, but her pain is about both what you did and what it says to her about your relationship. Taking action, such as IC, means that you are doing something concrete to try to address your problems.

You've broken your wife's heart. Words only go so far in healing it.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

id10t said:


> I should probably also point out that this is not the first time i have done something wrong involving other women. Shortly after we got together i was obsessed with calling 900 sex numbers and then years later, years ago i was caught up in chat rooms and became a cyber-cheater. *My wife sees this as escalating behavior and i completely understand how and why she thinks this*.


Do you understand why she think this? C'm man. I asume porn everytime, then we have: 900 sex numbers -> cibersex->trolling hookers websites->Hooker. Is there another way to see it but screaming scalation? Are you scalating? If not, please, elaborate.


> Never have any of my indiscretions had anything to do with my wife and I know that is difficult for her and probably anyone to believe but it's the truth. *They all stemmed from something wrong with me*. I am determined that nothing like any of these will ever happen again and am working to make sure of that.


OK, Something wrong with you. What it is? Do you know it yet? If not, are you determined to find it out? What real, solid steps are you taking to be sure?
BTW comunication problems don't make you behave this way. You may have this issue too but is unrelated. Let's be grown ups here. 

I don't think for a minute you felt repulsed by the ONS. Not for a minute. In all honestly I highly doubt this was the first time (what are the odds?). Do/dis you feel repulsed by the porn, the 900 numbers, the cibersex? I might believe you feel repulsed afterwards but in the heat of it? Let me doubt. Then, given your story and specially if you feel cycling between excited and repulsed by this sexual behavior you your seek help advice from a CSAT.. Start filling this questionnaire.

Get help.
And tell your wife to get help for herself.


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## Angelvamp64 (Dec 10, 2012)

I also do not believe he only did it once. Of course I don't believe that. I would love to believe him when he tells me it was only once and such a horrible experience, but I am not an idiot. This is one of the many horrible aspects of what he did. I can't believe anything he says. All I can do at this point is believe in his actions.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Angelvamp64 said:


> what do you think he isn't facing up to me? Since this is some kind of "man can only understand issue" please enlighten me


I think that the two of you would benefit quite a bit from working throught the books:

"Surviving An Affair"
"His Needs, Her Needs"
"Love Busters" 

The books are all written by Dr. Harley. I have links to two of them in my signature block below.

The only caveated I'll give about "Surviving An Affair" is that it talks about ways the breakdown of a marriage can contribute to infidelity. Your case this does not apply as much since this seems to be a systemic problem with your husband. He has boundary issues. All three books talk about how to affair proof a marriage.

One of the most important things is to identify and address any weaknesses the unfaithful spouse has and to put protections in place.

For example maybe your husband has no business being unsupervised on a computer. Another way of handling it is for you put out a keylogger on his computer with his consent and then you monitor what he’s doing. But monitoring him will be a pain and will put you in the position of being the mother of an badly behaving teen. Maybe you could combine the two. He limits his time on the computer. And there is a key logger. The best kind of keylogger is one that sends the captured data to an email account to a web account.

He almost sounds like a person with an escalating sexual addition. Though what he’s admitted to here is not severe enough to fall into what a chronic, out of control sexual addict… of course maybe what you know and what he’s posted here is only what you have caught him doing. This is highly possible.

My ex has similar issues to your husband's. He never stopped no matter what we did. He seemed to have given up meeting women in person, but online cybering ended up replacing everyting to include our sex life.

In the end, you cannot change your husband. Only he can change himself. What you can do is change how you interact with him and let him know that consequences if he keeps up with this behavior, continues to put your health at risk and your relationship at risk.

Since the cost of counseling is an issue find good books and websites on the topic. Search on topics like porn addiction, sex addiction. While you search you will most likely find related topics that hit home.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

No money... bad luck. He needs a proper diagnose. Even he doesn't get intensive continued specialized therapy at the very least he needs a cpuple of apointments with CSAt so he can redirect him to some kind of recovery path, such 12 steps program, readings, online recovery programs...
This site is worth to visit, by both of you. They have individual, partner and couples's Workshops.

Recovery Nation

Hope a wise member (I can't remember her name now), a BW who's husband displayed the same behaviors chime in to give you better advice. She even has tons of useful advice a clic a way at her signature.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Angelvamp64 said:


> I also do not believe he only did it once. Of course I don't believe that. I would love to believe him when he tells me it was only once and such a horrible experience, but I am not an idiot. This is one of the many horrible aspects of what he did. I can't believe anything he says. All I can do at this point is believe in his actions.


Yep.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Angelvamp64 said:


> I also do not believe he only did it once. Of course I don't believe that. I would love to believe him when he tells me it was only once and such a horrible experience, but I am not an idiot. This is one of the many horrible aspects of what he did. I can't believe anything he says. All I can do at this point is believe in his actions.


If you've read a lot here, you know how important honesty is to even begin to reconcile. So I would urge OP to come clean. If there's more, he needs to be truthful. Everyone reading this assumes there is more (hey, we could be wrong).

If you think you can't afford IC, try family and children's services in your area. There are often non-profits who offer inexpensive counseling.

So - those two things -> complete honesty & counseling (for both of you, but esp. for OP).


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## Angelvamp64 (Dec 10, 2012)

Thank you so much for the book suggestions. I have already looked into several to buy. I have always felt he had a sex addiction problem and it has escalated now to real cheating. I am so afraid. So afraid this can't be fixed and so afraid of losing what we have had for 20 years. I know I can only change me. That part is easy, isn't it? We can't change others so there is another fear, that he can't or won't change. I think he has cheated more than once with these escorts. Him admitting to the one time was a huge thing in his favor because all of his past infidelities he never once admitted the truth about any of it. But the doubts are there 24/7

As far as putting a key logger on his computer, it's his work laptop and also, who says he won't cheat in another way? I am so lost as to what to do most of the time. I do not think at all about leaving him, only trying to work through this, but the pain is almost more than I can stand. I lost both of my parents 6 years ago and for most of those 6 years it was like I died too. I was here, doing what I could, but I was more depressed and unhappy than I knew possible. I am not blaming myself for this at all, just saying there were other issues in the marriage prior to him cheating. I had been saying to him the past year that something was missing between us and he kept saying he didn't see it, then he goes and sleeps with a hooker? I don't even know how to explain the pain and confusion that causes in my head and my heart.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So what would happen to him if his work found out how he is using their computer?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

There are church oriented sex addictions progarms out there.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tdwal said:


> Look for a church in your area, they can help you find counselling in your area. Sex addictions are not solvable by reading a book.


No they are not solvable by reading a book. But reading a book educates a person and can give them strategies that can help.

It’s best to approach serious issues from many different angles… especially when a person does not have funds for much counseling.


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## Angelvamp64 (Dec 10, 2012)

EleGirl, thank you so much for your kindness and book suggestions.
I have known for 20 years that my husband definitely fit some of the criteria for a sex addiction and this board and talking with me has made him accept it. He is reading everything he can find on it and we have been talking throughout this whole process ( which has only been 2 and half weeks since finding out about hooker). He is willing to do anything it takes to fix this and I feel very fortunate that he is that way. I also know it is possible for someone to make a HUGE mistake and suffer from a disorder and it truly not be about me and it doesn't mean they don't truly love us no matter what some posters here said. They don't know him, me or our marriage.

I would not wish this on anyone, but everything happens for a reason and I am looking at this as just another way to strengthen an already strong marriage. I also know some people here misunderstood his excuse about lack of communicating. He was trying to explain that he knew he needed help when it happened and that if he could have told me he was in trouble, then we could have worked on it before something happened.
We both know we will make it through this and I just wanted to thank you.


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## SandyD (Nov 18, 2012)

Hi, I'm a fairly new poster here and I am going through something similar (husband cheated with hookers - although he only confessed to one). I found out because I am 3 months pregnant and was, unfortunately, diagnosed with an std. I also suspected a recent affair during business trips, which he also denied, but my suspicions were confirmed (he continues to deny though). I went through his email with a fine-tooth comb and discovered a few incidents from when we were dating. Which he (yaaaawn!) denies as well. 

My husband tried pretending it was "just the one hooker", but I discovered he was a serial cheater. And of course, I was partially blamed. However, for some odd reason, I have a real hard time taking it personally. For me, it's obvious he has issues that make married life unfeasable.

My husband gave me the exact same line as yours: "it was only one time, it was digusting, I felt awful during the whole thing and bla bla bla". He maintains it was one time, but I'm not that stupid. Cheater's will always admit the least incriminating thing unless you have evidence to shove in their faces. 

When I told him I thought he quite enjoyed it, he continued to deny and asked me how I could even know such a thing. I would've understood if he felt disgusted if a male escort had given him a bj, being as he isn't gay. But paying for women to service him? I don't think so. He was just disgusted he got caught, that's all. In fact, he was so disgusted he threw up after confessing to a half-truth.

My choice was, obviously, to divorce. He was not being honest and was playing russian roulette with mine and my baby's lives. We can't fix what we refuse to acknowledge.

The real kicker is that he seemed like the ultimate nice guy, no one would ever think he could do such a thing. He says all the right things and is a masterful liar/reality twister... but I know better. My blinders are off. 

I'm not saying you shouldn't reconcile or that you guys can't turn this all around. But I would be very leery of being as open and embracing as you are. You are trying to rationalize all of this and chalk it up to a disorder, and while I'm all for helping our spouses out, I'm scared for you. In my mind, HE has to do this, not you. Yes, you're partners, but you were the injured party here and he is a full grown adult. I would let HIM do the hard work and heavy lifting and then, only then, would I consider reconciliation. What you guys are doing just feels so enabling to me, sorry. If there's no real consequence, you're just making it easier for him to do it again and traumatize you all over again. You should set the bar very high. And that's AFTER treatment, if indeed he has some kind of treatable sexual compulsion.

Words mean nothing if they're not backed by strong concrete actions. 

He appears willing, so let HIM show YOU how deep his love truly is. Give yourself a break and put your needs front and center.

I also don't believe that paying for sexual experiences with women has anything to do with the state of your marriage. It's not about you. And even if it did have something to do with your marriage (like mismatched sex drives or something), I have no idea how this could be some kind of solution unless it's communicated and agreed upon. It's just a selfish decision that hurts spouses and children tremendously.


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## SandyD (Nov 18, 2012)

Also, because of your limited funds for therapy/treatment, I would call a few therapists near you and ask them what your options are in the area. I'm sure they could point you in the right direction.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I agree with SandyD 
He could not have been disgusted during the act. Can a man get it up and [email protected]@k a woman without being totally in to it. He was not thnking of his wife he was thinking of himself and his pleasure. 

His sexual pleasure is the most important thing to him in his life. There is no way that he will chose his wife over his sexual pleasure. No way. 

He is a serial cheater the worse kind of cheater. Does a person love when they repetedly expose their partner to disease, emotional pain and humiliation. 

It may be difficult to believe when they look so sincere and professes thier love. That is not something that a normal person will not do. A person with sensual pleasure as their god has no problem. 

Why would he want to stay married? In single life, he can do what he pleases. Marriage is a convience. 

There is an available sex object during the dry spells. To say nothing of a housekeeper, babysitter, cook, laundress, and mother on call 24hrs.

He is living the life of Riley whereas he belongs under a rock. Serial cheaters cannot love or cannot love anyone more than their pursuit of sensual pleasure. That is it that is their whole sad lives. 

Get out before an STD that takes your life. For the ones who stay, get tested for STD's every 6 months.


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## SandyD (Nov 18, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> It may be difficult to believe when they look so sincere and professes thier love.


And they all do this.

It's really sad because we will hang on to anything that gives us even the tiniest shred of hope to avoid dealing with the truth. The truth hurts. We didn't want this yet we have NO say in it. It's unbearably, excrutiatingly unfair. This whole "he has an issue, I have to be there and help him... after all, I took a vow" is just denial. It's just a way of trying to maintain control over something you have NO control over. 

Also, this type of thing changes how we view the entire world. No one prepares you for this. This isn't something that is freely discussed, so it changes who we are. It's like going to War. You only really know what it's like when you're there, and then you're forever traumatized by the whole thing. 

In my opinioin, you have no real options at the moment. I really think you should leave and let him do the work, if he so wishes. I know you probably won't do this an of course it's your decision. But if you stay and 'coddle' your husband and his "disorder", well... it's bound to repeat itself... over and over and over again. Mark my words. He's already crossed that invisible line that separates fantasy from reality. If you're not willing to live with that or turn a blind eye, you have some tough decisions to make.


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