# Initiating a Pro-Porn conversation



## shinyzebra (Apr 2, 2012)

Porn.
People watch it, I get it. 
I love a lot of porn myself too.

I want to discuss porn with my man. I want to say it is ok and both include it and let him watch it himself. 
I have not accused or forced any confessions, but he denies watching it even though he does. I wish he wouldn't lie about it or this conversation would have already taken place in a lighthearted more casual manner. 
I am often sexually frustrated and telling him this and pointing out his porn-watching together could be offensive and I see it turning him into defense mode and the convo being an argument instead of something helpful. I would also have to admit to snooping. haha. I know there are no excuses, but for a serious relationship to succeed I need to know the libido is there on his part as well. (We are not married yet but it doesn't seem that far out of the picture). 
I have initiated the 'lets watch porn together' more than once. I find the awkwardness of what to watch both amusing and annoying as there can be hesitation revealing knowing one's way around sites and/or preferences. (Is there a random porn generating site out there for couples? there should be) 
I thought including/enjoying it together a few times was a good place to start but seeing as he hasn't applauded me for it or taken any hints about it or initiated it himself I am not sure what to do now. Do I have to make this into a serious sit-down awkward conversation?
:scratchhead:
Suggestions? Thoughts? Comments? Stories?


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## shinyzebra (Apr 2, 2012)

I hate how sensitive this topic is. I even feel the need to clarify myself after reading the post when I said "let him watch it" himself. I do not want to come off as controlling in that way.. I meant let him know he shouldn't be ashamed and let him know that I know it is happening. I just hate the annoyed comments when I knock on the bathroom to get something or come to join him in the shower. He assumes I am trying to catch him. I feel that I shouldn't be afraid to go into the bathroom when I need to, and especially if I'm horny too.


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

shinyzebra said:


> Porn.
> People watch it, I get it.
> I love a lot of porn myself too.
> 
> ...


Maybe you need to catch him "with his pants down", tell him keep going and help him finish off. Hard to say. There could be many reasons he's hiding it. I agree honesty and putting it out in the open needs to happen. If you want it, just tell him what you want. Your turn to come over and don't forget the porn ;-)


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

If this has to be a serious sit-down conversation, then you probably aren't going to get what you want.

Just tell him that you really would like to spice things up a bit and porn be one way to do this in your relationship. Acquire it yourself (don't hint and hope that he 'applauds' you and does it himself). Tell him that a friend told you about a site she uses with her husband or whatever would make it less awkward if this is a worry. Make sure that he's truly into whatever you do. Otherwise these things have a way of ending up ugly. 

I've watched porn with partners and the worst feeling is if you are made to feel like a perv or freak for it (some of us men are very sensitive to this). Selecting at least the first couple of movies or clips yourself at least removes this risk. Be very grown up about it and hope that he is also. I've had women agree enthusiastically to watch porn, really get into it but then turn unexpectedly prudish toward it ...this can really start to make a guy defensive.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Catching him in the act is a good way to broach the subject. Though if he's hiding it out of shame it might make him feel all the more shame. You have to make the call if that's the best approach.

I'd just tell him sometime, when the moment feels right, that he can talk to you about anything. That you'd prefer he be totally open and honest with you about anything... even (especially?) sexual things.

If he doesn't come forth on his own though, and especially if you're feeling sexually deprived because of porn, then either catch him or be blunt and tell him you know. Let the conversation go from there.

I do think though that if you can get him to confess on his own it's best, since that way he gets comfortable sharing "secrets" with you.. ultimately I think not keeping secrets is key in a marriage.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Even better is to allow him to catch you in the act.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Biggest problem for men is that it was ingrained into us from a very young age that masterbation is a shameful act by women.

Guys might know what I'm talking about. At age 12 and stealing your Uncle's Playboy, taking it into the bathroom and getting aroused by the pictures. Your mother finding it cleaning your room, or putting away clothes and tanning your hide for looking at such smut!

Therefore, it becomes percieved as shameful to look at the beauty of the female form and become aroused by it. Thus, when men look at pornographic pictures or movies; it's usually done in private. Hiding from the shame of it.


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## shinyzebra (Apr 2, 2012)

Personally I don't think the catching thing will work, I probably have before unknowingly. Me being caught is an interesting idea though.
I understand the men have been shamed thing and him likely even directly by nasty exes. So conversation about that first would help.
The OKing and exposing porn seems to be one thing, yet adding a "buuuut only if it's not killing our sex life" is almost another issue? but important! or are they one in the same? yarg back to being frustrated


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Is it just me or are you getting turn on by just the THOUGHT of catching him in the act and not the act itself?

Because there's really nothing sexy about a guy with his pants around his ankles and choking his chicken.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

crossbar said:


> I
> Because there's really nothing sexy about a guy with his pants around his ankles and choking his chicken.


Really?

My wife seems to like it.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Go to bed at night and start watching and masturbating. Keep it up till walks in. Then say 'honey I could use a hand with something over here'


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

No idea why he won't admit that he watches porn. I think practically every male has watched porn..I don't see what the big deal is at all. I don't see anything to hide or be embarrassed about at all!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

shinyzebra said:


> I am often sexually frustrated and telling him this and pointing out his porn-watching together could be offensive and I see it turning him into defense mode and the convo being an argument instead of something helpful.


Do you mean by sexually frustrated that he is not interested in sex with you? If so, this is exactly the situation I found myself in when I was dating my H. We had only been together three months when it all started going downhill. How long have you two been together? Married before?


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

If he won't admit to using porn even when you make it clear that it's OK for you, then clearly he has some hang ups about it (probably along the lines of what crossbar is saying). Planning out a way to catch him in the act is something only a very annoying person would do and it is guaranteed to be counterproductive to your objectives (relaxing and being more open and comfortable with each other).


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## shinyzebra (Apr 2, 2012)

crossbar said:


> Is it just me or are you getting turn on by just the THOUGHT of catching him in the act and not the act itself?
> 
> Because there's really nothing sexy about a guy with his pants around his ankles and choking his chicken.


Maybe this is what he thinks too. I disagree. And if I get to help it really would turn me on.


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## shinyzebra (Apr 2, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Go to bed at night and start watching and masturbating. Keep it up till walks in. Then say 'honey I could use a hand with something over here'


a good start I think. Sounds very win win. I win and then he realizes porn is ok and he wins. Then other resolutions will hopefully follow


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## shinyzebra (Apr 2, 2012)

Blanca said:


> Do you mean by sexually frustrated that he is not interested in sex with you? If so, this is exactly the situation I found myself in when I was dating my H. We had only been together three months when it all started going downhill. How long have you two been together? Married before?


we're common-law about a yr together, not married before either of us and he has a son which does affect timing, convenience, style of sex etc..

we do have sex but I not enough and I think I initiate it most often too so maybe I am worried he's not as into me. But he quite often assures me otherwise. 

Also there have been a couple times he has told me something turned him on and he juuuuust about took a shower to rub one out (or whatever term he used) and then decided to pursue sex with me instead? I try to but don't understand this. Especially if it's me that turned him on in the first place? Like I fall asleep on the couch and he catches glimpse that he likes of bum or nipple peeking out. I made sure to be very thankful for being woken up and insist he do so in the future but who knows how many times he has 'saved me the trouble' 
IF it gets to the point where I'm annoyed or inconvenienced by sex and this is an issue to me I will let him know. Until then .. really? Is this just an excuse covering some other issue or do other guys think this way too?


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

well...I guess I can contribute an idea.


Get a porno on dvd and when he's laying down in the bedroom, don't say one word to him....just pop it in and press play. Go over to him (again, without a word) pull it out and...you know...give his piece a hand....


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

shinyzebra said:


> we do have sex but I not enough and I think I initiate it most often too so maybe I am worried he's not as into me. But he quite often assures me otherwise.


My H often assured me, too - with words only. Not sex. And especially not desire. I think I wanted to believe him because I'd never met a guy that wasn't interested in sex. Since I didn't think it was possible that a guy wouldn't be interested in sex I thought he just needed a little help expressing himself, and I needed to be sexier. HAHA. Four years of misery drove that theory right out of me. I tried everything to get him to change but the only thing that changed was my temper. I became extremely resentful and angry. 



shinyzebra said:


> Also there have been a couple times he has told me something turned him on and he juuuuust about took a shower to rub one out (or whatever term he used) and then decided to pursue sex with me instead? I try to but don't understand this. Especially if it's me that turned him on in the first place? Like I fall asleep on the couch and he catches glimpse that he likes of bum or nipple peeking out. I made sure to be very thankful for being woken up and insist he do so in the future but who knows how many times he has 'saved me the trouble'


My H would see me in the shower sometimes and take care of himself; or I'd wake up and he'd be taking care of himself. 

How old are you guys?


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## LemonLime (Mar 20, 2012)

I would just have it ready in the bedroom and when he walks in, tell him you want to show him something. turn it on and get naked. Clear enough...during sex, tell him you want to do this more often, together or when the other is away. Once it is brought up, it will probably come out that he does and you tell him it is ok or if not, you can more easily discuss it after sex


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## pjuk (Jan 5, 2012)

If it's online porn you both are looking at, why not find something you really enjoyed and played to recently, then email the link to him with a note saying "I just came watching this, i wish you'd been here to see"

I can't imagine any guy not finding that an immense turn on, and a reason to get home as quickly as possible...

PJx


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

I recommend you go watch this Ted X talk and reconsider.....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zif0_60b3WU 

I don't have any moral issues with porn, but I don't think it is helping our relationships.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

FormerNiceGuy said:


> I recommend you go watch this Ted X talk and reconsider.....
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zif0_60b3WU
> 
> I don't have any moral issues with porn, but I don't think it is helping our relationships.


Interesting video... not sure if it's accurate or not. There's some good data there, but they seem to make some assumptions as well. Surprised that for a control group they didn't seek out men in places where internet access isn't readily available (3rd world nations, remote locations in the US, etc...). Just doing a study in say Mexico City among the wealthy vs poor kids (where internet access isn't available) seems like it would provide a good base for study.

I think a good title for this cautionary video would be: "Whoah slow down there son!".


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