# separation again/she has lawyer, I do not



## underdog (Oct 14, 2012)

Hello to all in this forum. I am looking for constructive criticism; advice; coping skills; so on. Now, for my sad story...Married 18 years then, in Sept. last year, the wife said she has had enough frustration. Her reason for wanting separation is being fired from yet one more job. Other reasons: I will not do dishes. I have no problem using a vacuum, cleaning the restroom, changing the sheets, love doing laundry, don't mind cleaning up after the dog.
So, we married legally and in a catholic church in 1993. One year later, we produced a daughter. The daughter will be 18 soon. The wife has had the same employer for the past 11 years-prior to that, she worked at a company for 12 years. I dislike to bring up money issues and lean towards the other reason for the separation and eventually a divorce is money. All right, now back to the separation-I voluntarily moved out to save the daughter from heated arguments; save her from seeing my intermittent explosive disorder.After moving out & being separated- my belief is my good nature, my ability to be kind-was key in her decision to let me move back in. My thoughts are the other reason to let me move in was to assist with transportation needs of the daughter. Jan 2012 to Oct 2012 --- all was, for the most part-peachy. 

My natural curiosity and being nosy allowed me to discover that she is actively text messaging & possibly talking to a co-worker. I thought/believed/guessed that being legally married and waiting for the divorce to be final meant just that.

Now, to be brief, I believe/feel/think that until the marriage is officially over- one cannot start to date/dance/talk/text/ ...so on, out of respect for the marriage and the spouse.

I then finally had the courage to ask "So, if I were to go out with/date/dance with/ talk to another girl - you're OK with that?" She said "Yes, go and have fun and wind up f-ing whoever you want. I won't hold it against you."

My only concerns are at this point ...do I need to get checked for STD's due to her view of me dating even though currently married? I am leaning towards if it's ok that I do something like that- she wants the same ability-if not already started.
Concern #2: what message is our daughter receiving if the wife says it's ok to go out and f around with whoever you want because in the wifes eyes-the marriage is over even though divorce court has not occurred. 

Concern#3 : should I cut off all form of communication with her until the court date. Considering I married & live in Calif., and am on unemployment - is she going to pay for my attorney? Do I need an attorney? Can I represent myself?

Concern #4: do I take the time to conduct surveillance on her and get photos of her and my replacement? I am thinking the judge would render a decision in more of my favor if I provide evidence she is on a fling even though still married?

Thanks for spending time reading this, thanks for this web site, I thank anyone in advance for decent opinions or assistance. Also, first time here and hopeful my rant is posted in the correct area of the forum/website.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Underdog, 
Sorry you are here. You are in California which is a no fault state. That means her infidelity won't mean a hill of beans in court and won't even be considered. All the court cares about is child custody, child/spousal support and division of assets. The court doesn't care why you are there, they just want to know that the issues regarding the divorce are settled and if you can't settle them then the judge will. 

As for her paying for your attorney, that depends. If you are not employed and she is and has an attorney then she MAY be required to pay for your attorney. You can petition the court for this but there is no guarantee the judge will rule that way. 

If she makes more than you, you may be eligible for spousal support. Don't take it unless you truly need it. That is theft and morally wrong to take money from an ex-spouse unless you have a real need and they can meet that need. Children are not an issue since your daughter is 18. It seems like she is done with you and has moved on. I am in the same boat you are. My STBXW is already in another serious relationship and we still have 6 months before we can divorce over here and I live in a fault state to boot. Makes it easy. 

Also, you don't need her permission to move out and in. Your home is maritial property until a court rules otherwise. She cannot stop you and if she changes the locks, you break a window. Nothing can be done by the police or anyone else. You don't have much to worry about since the law protects the lower earning spouse in a divorce action.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

#1...Always get tested...health is always a concern

#2...Be positive with the daughter. How old is she? Personally I wouldn't date and just focus on her until after the divorce atleast.

#3...Go talk to a lawyer, most will atleast give you a consultation for free. Take any advice they give you.

#4...See #3

Good luck!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Underdog,

Your situation sucks and it looks like your wife is moving on without you.

So prepare yourself for D.

Two things I find interesting about your post.

You never state if you love your wife???

And why don't you just ask her if she is doing the OM and if that is one reason why she wants to move on.

Because if she is already doing him or pursuing him it really shows you how little she respects you, your family and marriage.

So get your act together, find a job, find out if you need to be tested and then work on your new life.

Your wife will find out soon enough if the grass is greener my friend.

It rarely is.

And take care of your D. She will need reassurance from both of you.

Good Luck.

HM64


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