# So many problems...(long story)



## Hetfield (Feb 7, 2010)

It's been awhile since I posted on this board but after having a brief conversation with my wife, I'm coming to the conclusion that our future is getting bleaker by the day.

This will be a long post but I feel it's best to give you as much information as possible in case anyone has some ideas.

Me: 39
Her: 37
Met in high school, dated for a year or so, no sex (just a lot of making out, petting with clothes on). I broke up with her. Back together again (2004) after not seeing each other for almost 16 years. Married in 2005 and our only child born in 2006. Both of us were previously married (her for 2 years, me for 5) and neither of us has other kids.

Started a business together in 2008 and have sunk a lot of money into it and are just on the edge of profitability finally. She works 4 days a week and spends the other with our son. I work 6 days a week, sometimes even the 7th and often 12-16 hours a day. She draws a regular salary and I basically take enough to get by on and pay some bills with. Needless to say, the financial strain has been hard on both of us.

Last year, she miscarried twice in a span of 5 months. Devastated the first time and came to grips with the loss quicker the second time around. Since then, nothing. Doctors are puzzled and she is in the midst of getting tests done and obtaining second and third opinions on what to do. She wants a second child badly and I'm more along the lines of "if it happens, it happens" and have not become obsessed with it like she has.

Personality-wise, I am a laid back, easy going but hard working individual who has a competitive streak a mile long when it comes to business. I hate to lose or come in second. I also have a fear of letting family and friends down if I'm not successful (I've been in the same occupation for almost 20 years). I never sweat the small stuff and I could give a rat's ass about what the "Joneses" are doing...I march to the beat of our own drum. I come from an entrepreneurial background and am not adverse from taking calculated risks in the pursuit of happiness (both financially and emotionally). I typically wake up at 6:00 am, get ready for work, hang out and make breakfast for our son who is usually up at 6:30. I'm out the door at 7:15 and work through until 5:30 or 6:00 (sometimes as late as 10 or 11 pm depending on which day of the week it is).

She is a very structured person who follows a rigid daily routine from Monday to Friday. Up early (5 am) for the gym, home by 7, get ready for work, go to work until 5 in the afternoon, home to make dinner and do some things around the house and in bed sound asleep by 9:30 at the latest. On the weeknights I'm home (which I've been trying to do more and more regularly), she has a hobby class she attends one night until 10 pm and the other is dedicated to family time. She carries a dayplanner and every single activity or task is noted and followed to the letter. She is also very picky about keeping a clean house (not just neat and tidy, but clean as a whistle) and often frets over the smallest little thing (ie. there's a few crumbs on the kitchen floor so out comes the vacuum cleaner before anything else happens). She even bakes her own bread, makes some of her own things like salsa and nutrition bars, sews up torn or ripped clothing, cooks most meals from scratch plus handles most of the other things like dishes, laundry and washing and dusting. Whenever I'm home, I do my best to help with whatever I can whether it be dishes, taking out the trash, fixing stuff like leaky taps and scratches in the walls, cooking, vacuuming, etc. I try to take as much of the load off her as I can with the time I have available. On top of this, our child is almost 4 and is involved in a couple of introductory sports plus he and I spend an hour each week at our local library hanging out and reading in addition to bike rides and playing in the park down the street.

I usually put some needed hours in on the weekend and we do manage to find some family time together as a unit but because our child goes to bed at 8:00-8:30 and doesn't fall asleep until after 9:00 usually, it doesn't leave much time for romance as her body's clock says it is bedtime at 9:30 and the yawning begins.

Sexually, we are somewhat compatible. Before our child was born, sex was often 5 or 6 times a week but that was also when both of us worked 9-5 weekday jobs and had no obligations for much else other than the odd volunteer group or socializing with friends and family members. After our son was born and we started up this business, our sex life slowly dwindled down to two or three times a month (during ovulation mainly). Throughout our relationship the past 6+ years, the sex was relatively routine...sometimes foreplay (giving and receiving oral, touching, etc) but more often than not it was her simply "getting on and going" (which is alright sometimes but I've told her more foreplay is the key to more intimate sex and even though I'm a guy, intimacy is important to me).

Because she seems to be lacking in the sexual knowledge dept. (lack of technique orally is and continues to be one of those areas) I've persistently asked her without being too pushy about her past sexual experiences and, in her opinion, what was good for her and what was bad. A few tidbits came out:
- sex with her ex-husband was all about him and never about her needs (he was also verbally abusive but not physically)
- she has had between 20 and 25 partners from the time she was 18 until she was 30 (mostly dates but also some one-night hookups)
- her ex-husband was addicted to porn movies and cheated on her at least twice to her knowledge during their 2 year marriage
- her "first time" was "against her will" with a guy she had dated for a week (about 6 months after I broke up with her in high school)
- she had only given orally to 2 guys before me (her ex-husband and a friend with benefits) and had received from maybe 5 or 6 guys before me
- openly admits to not being sexually knowledgeable and is quite happy with what she does know (says she can't differentiate between and doesn't want to know what is "normal" behavior and what is "deviant" or "perverse" behavior)
- will not engage in oral sex unless both of us are fresh out of the shower (otherwise she says it's too gross...even if one or both of us have already showered that day and haven't done anything strenuous to cause us to sweat or otherwise)
- says she needs to be in control at all times (hence she likes to be on top about 90% of the time) despite my reassurances that I'm her husband and she needs to have confidence and trust in me that I would never do anything disrespectful to her
- is not open to spontaneous "do it in the doorway sex" or having sex in any other place except in bed, on the couch or in the shower (ie. I can be naked in bed at 9:30 and she will walk in and exclaim "oh, do you want to get busy?"...I think to myself, "no **** Sherlock, 25 points for observation!" and she simply yawns and says "can I get a raincheck? I have to be up at 5".

To add to all this, I've had between 20 and 25 partners myself so I'm not resentful in the least of her past experiences. I have seen and done a lot of things and only on a one-on-one basis (pretty much every position imaginable, some unusual locations, plenty of variations including some that swallowed, some that like facials, some that were silent, some that moaned and screamed and some that were incredibly talented and could go on for hours it seemed). In short, I consider myself to be a very lucky guy and have seen the gamut whether it was a girlfriend or a one-night hookup. I have run many scenarios involving her and some of the guys that I know who have been with her and it doesn't bother me in the least. I get somewhat turned on knowing she's been with a lot of guys and she chose me to settle down with. She is attractive and there's been a time or two where I've silently begged her to dress a little more sexy when we go out because she can turn some heads! I've seen it happen a few times and whenever I mention it to her she just brushes it off as bunk, despite me telling her how lucky I am to be her man when another guy takes a long look at her ass or has his eyes glued to her chest.

Over the past year or so, I've been trying to figure out why she refuses to open herself up to new things. As I said earlier, she is quite content to simply get into bed naked, get my **** hard using my hand and climb on top of me...5 minutes later she has quietly had an orgasm with hardly a moan and off she gets, laying on her back and prodding me to get on top and cum inside her. It's to the point where I can't even do that anymore...it's become so routine that I've pretty much started to think about everything else but loving her.

When I start the conversation each time in a neutral setting (at dinner, on the couch watching TV, out for a walk, etc) she changes the subject or simply says she would rather talk about it later. I've pretty much given up getting her to talk now and am bordering on resentment because of it.

I challenged her a few weeks back on a comment that she made. She told me that what's in the past is in the past and she wants to live for the future. I'm alright with that, but, when I asked her why she wouldn't consider watching even the most soft type of erotic movies together (ie. Red Shoe Diaries), she basically said her ex-husband turned into a porn addict and she is too scared the same thing would happen to me. I asked her to explain her contradiction about burying her past yet holding her ex up as an example, and she just went and changed the subject on me...eventually leaving the room to go run on our treadmill. I asked her again the next day while we were driving somewhere and she changed her answer to "I know how heartbroken my mom would be if she knew I was watching porn...that's not how we were raised". I tried to reassure her that this was something special to be shared between the two of us and not the "three" of us and that her mom had nothing to do with what we do together as lovers and life partners.

About an hour ago, we spoke about things and she said she is scared and feeling pressured that she can't be the person I want her to be and that the more pressure I put on her for sex, the more she shuts down. Truthfully, I do text her the odd sexy message that every woman loves to hear ("you look so hot today", "I'd love to see what's under that skirt after work tonight", etc.) and nothing vulgar or overly dirty ("I want to eat your ***** right now baby" for example). She has said between our problems conceiving, our finances and our sex life, she is bordering on a breakdown. She says she has never worried about money before and this investment we've made has her scared because, unlike me, she's never been in business before and has always worked for someone else and just collected the check at the end of the month. She is worried that she is not enough for me sexually and never will be and that she wouldn't blame me if I went "shopping" for someone on the side (something which I could never ever do...I thought about her every day for 16 years that we were apart and she is my world).

So, the questions I have are:
1) am I being too soft...do I need to man-up even more?
2) am I being too hard on her and I should just back off?
3) is it her?
4) is it me?
5) is it both of us?
6) why does she want to bury her past but still dredge up examples of those times when it suits her argument?
7) is her past really having that much of an effect on her that she can't see what it's done to her and the person closest to her heart?
8) is it possible to drop some things off our schedules and how does one determine what's less important than the others?
9) is it possible to take a straight line (her need for routine and rigidity) and bend it without breaking it?

Counselling is out of the question. She's been there and done that individually during the tail end of her previous marriage and included anti-depressants. Besides, in her words, "we can't afford counselling so we'll just have to figure this out on our own"...which is funny because whenever I approach her to talk, she changes the subject or the phone rings or something gets in the way. Honestly, I don't think her therapy worked for her and she's too scared to go through it again.

As far as work goes, it's either sink or swim for us in this case. We have too much money tied up in this business to just sell it (we would never come close to recouping our investment at this point) and simply letting it fail would put us into bankruptcy and there's a good chance I would myself go into a deep depression and who knows what else after that (I've been sober for just over 15 years now and going bankrupt would more than likely be more than enough to drive me back to drinking). She has often said that I'm her pillar and that if I began to show signs of breaking down, she'd crumble. So why is it she can lean on me so heavily to keep her from crumbling yet she can't put trust in me to be a teacher when it comes to enhancing our love life?

As far as getting away for some much-needed "us time", it's virtually impossible. We have no one around to care for our child (relatives are a long distance from us) and we don't really have anyone close by that would take our child for even one night. It's funny, I did manage to get our child to stay the night at a friend's place a few weeks back...so I rented a hotel room in a different city about an hour's drive away. As it turns out, one of her friends called the night before and needed a place to stay so we ended up staying at home. She and her friend hung out all night so I just laid in bed and fell asleep reading. Everytime I try to do something "special" for us to break the barrier of monotony down, something happens and it blows up in my face...leaving me dejected which, in turn, leaves her questioning her ability to make me happy.

I'm sorry this turned into a novel but I've seen too many threads where there was hardly enough information to come to a conclusion. All I'm looking for here is an outsider's view of this complicated situation to help me see the things a little more clearly.


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## advocatephilospher (Jun 15, 2010)

despite my moniker I only proffer my thoughts as someone who is equally seeking to do the right thing by oneself and the others around you. I would say that I think I understand some of the wider context you are operating in i.e. the difference in the economic-cultural areas you and your wife operate in. This from my experience is not one of only acknowledging the differing perceptions that arise from the different backgrounds that you and your wife has with regard to risk in all its manifestations, but also how it colours the tone of communication between you and your wife. I share with you the apparent common characteristics of a highly organised wife who works for a wage and my own position is entrepreneurial and from a family with that same experience. This entails conflicts on a number of fronts due to organisational mode that arise out of the personality characteristcs of the two individuals. It is a necessary axiom that we cannot avoid which was emblazoned on the temple of Apollo "know thyself". A tall order but fundamental to the solution to your knot. I think that in relation to items 8 and 9 the joint approach could be the explicit recognition of an overarching appreciation of the best that is done together i.e setting out the ends of what you want together and allowing discretion on the means. Where it conflicts then hopefully an explicit set of working assumptions can help demonstrate the point and yet reinforce the joint primary aims however conceived. I am sorry I have not got more time. 3 kids to school.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Hetfield said:


> 1) am I being too soft...do I need to man-up even more?


No and No



Hetfield said:


> 2) am I being too hard on her and I should just back off?


Yes and Yes



Hetfield said:


> 3) is it her?


Yes



Hetfield said:


> 4) is it me?


Yes



Hetfield said:


> 5) is it both of us?


Yes



Hetfield said:


> 6) why does she want to bury her past but still dredge up examples of those times when it suits her argument?


You're over analyzing even though her actions may seem to warrant the question. Sometimes, it's best to take what she says without questioning her.

a) To challenge her means you don't trust her answer, which doesn't have to be logical. Nor does it have to be adequate or satisfactory to you. It just has to be her answer and how she feels. But you want to feel superior and show her that her answers don't make sense. 

b) To challenge her causes her not to trust you. She shouldn't feel she has to answer to you all the time or explain her answers. You want to make her make everything she says make sense, when all she wants is to be entitled to the way she feels. Challenging her takes that entitlement away, which causes her to feel she cannot depend on you when sharing her feelings.

In other words, you are being insensitive, superior, and demanding. She'd much rather hop on the treadmill than be put down by you. Try to be considerate and understanding, rather than expecting explanations. In this particular instance, perhaps she would like to let go of the past in terms of you not delving into it, not doing things that produced unfavorable outcomes, and not wanting to answer to or be reminded of anything that happened. But none of that means she doesn't have fears or concerns that were induced by things that happened in the past. Again, she wants to be entitled to her feelings, fears, concerns without you telling her they make no sense.



Hetfield said:


> 7) is her past really having that much of an effect on her that she can't see what it's done to her and the person closest to her heart?


Perhaps, but it won't do you any good to press the issue. She has as much the right not to want the two of you watching porn as you have the right to desire the two of you incorporate it into your lives. It sounds to me you are judging her for not thinking and feeling the way you think she should.



Hetfield said:


> 8) is it possible to drop some things off our schedules and how does one determine what's less important than the others?


That is up to you both to decide, but a start is accepting that with the exception of the business and earning income, nothing is more important than the relationship.



Hetfield said:


> 9) is it possible to take a straight line (her need for routine and rigidity) and bend it without breaking it?


Yes, as soon as you realize she does not have to think and feel the way you want her to think and feel; when you realize she is not the one who has to do the bending; when you realize you also need to bend, then perhaps the two of you can bend as a unit to strengthen the relationship.

As has been advised, know thyself. And fix yourself first. Then come back to the board for suggestions to improve the marriage.


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## andrewwright (Jun 13, 2010)

Hetfield said:


> So, the questions I have are:
> 1) am I being too soft...do I need to man-up even more?
> 2) am I being too hard on her and I should just back off?
> 3) is it her?
> ...


I used to be addicted to porn until I came across this book and applied its solutions. There are mind manipulations used in porn that are unknown to the viewer. that is why they are very effective. I learned what they were, I learned how my mind works, and how to free my mind from their traps. Now I simply cannot be seduced.

book: OPEN TO BLISS by Omid Mankoo

his blog: Sage Hope's 1st Gift to Humanity | The Definitive & Complete Solution Manual to Sexual Attraction & Addiction

There is a difference bewteen being driven passionately towards sex, and being in complete control of oneself, and expressing love and and honest mind heart connection and using the seexual means to express, caring, honest communicationand love. So, use it to express love, then it will become easy. Obviously you both need to work on communication. to really talk to each other. A ton of marriages have that problem of truly communicating, so you are not alone. there are many bariers to communication. Stop with the pressure. And start with an honest effort to know each other. to know yourself, and cease allowing the sexual feelings to come in between your mind and heart connection. Porn is very manipulative. you do not need it. porn teaches that intimacy and the excitement between people is based on unusual physical circumstnaces, in addition to unusual mental and emotional circumstances. They are playing with you rmind, and ruining relationships, because they are not painting an accurate dewcription of relationships.


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## Carron36 (Jun 2, 2010)

I just joined today and came across your entry and am hoping things are improving for you. I've been married to my husband for 10 years, together for 12 and we have 8 year old twins. Stress and depression definitely wreak havoc on all our marriages (and anyone who says it doesn't is full of *@$!. I didn't mind the length of your entry, it gave a lot of really important details. Why am I here? my sex drive is increasing and my husband's is decreasing, frequency is way down and he says its because of his age, that drive decreases for guys after 40. I don't know if I believe it.

Anyway, as a woman, let me answer your questions
1. no
2. yes
3. yes
4. no
5. no
6. does your wife have a history of addiction by any chance? alcohol, drugs, shopping, etc. A lot of her behavior reminds me of people who are recovering (or not....). My husband is an alcoholic (hasn't had a drink in 25 years), but often has this same behavior that your wife does.
7. no, she knows exactly what her past has done to her
8. yes
9. no, she definitely has OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) that comes with a gamut of control issues, inability to lighten up, relax, let go of herself....etc. 

You seem to be a nice man who wants to make it work if at all possible. Trying to recapture the friendship is a great way to start but you really have to put your sex drive in reverse if you want all your efforts to have a long term affect.


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