# confused about everything



## confused12345 (Apr 22, 2013)

We've been married for 8 years, and they've been tumultuous, but we have always managed to work it out... but not this time, I guess... he said he had to "euthanize" our relationship. 

The last two years have been a crazy whirlwind of one thing after another, without going into specifics it suffices to say that I barely spent any time at home and when I was home all I wanted to do was sleep because the next morning I had to wake up and deal with sh*t du jour. So I kept ignoring or putting off my husband's pleas for attention for a day when I could deal with that, and that day did not come soon enough. I could feel us drifting apart, but I was so consumed with all the external sh*t I had to deal with and I could not deviate from that to dedicate time to fixing our relationship. 

During these last 2 years we would get into fights which would continue by long periods of not speaking to each other. The longest of which was a month of not speaking, that happened in the spring of 2012, after which we had a looooong heart-to-heart and he told me that he wanted to take a break. I told him that I didn't want to take a break. I told him that I understood his concerns and all the problems we had in our marriage, and that I was willing to work on fixing the probs, but I did not want a break. At some point I told him that if we take a break I will not wait for him to figure things out, I just wanted to either work it out now or break up. He reluctantly agreed to stay together. That summer I had to work A LOT but I made sure to give him as much attention as possible and I kept reaching out to him but he felt so distant and I knew that he did not share everything that was on his mind. I felt like I was walking on eggshells around him, trying not to get into any arguments or to upset him in any way, but he was still a million miles away from me. Although I was barely home, I noticed that he started spending more time away from home.

At some point in October or November I just exploded, I just couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't put up with trying to hold onto a person who didn't give a sh*t, I was tired of being the only one fighting for this relationship. We got into a heated argument, I told him I was done with him and he said that is what he wanted since May. A little while later we started talking again but he moved to a separate bedroom and kept staying out of the house as much as possible. He kept saying that we need to find our selves apart from us as a couple and that we're not meant to be. We were like roommates. 

Then in Jan we got into another fight and I told him that if he wants to move out he should do it and do it NOW instead of dragging on like this. So, he moved out. I didn't speak to him for about 2 months. I was really angry and hurt and depressed.

About a month ago we started talking again, and started hanging out... with occasional sex, which by the way has been GREAT. But he said that although he enjoys the sex and it's great that we're on good terms, he doesn't know if keep having sex is a good idea because he's afraid that our feelings are going to get screwed up. He said that he doesn't want to get back together, that he doesn't want to fix anything that he "euthanized" our relationship, but he loves me and wants to have me in his life. He said that this feels like we're in the same pattern we've been in for years, where we fight and don't speak to each other for a while, but then we get back together and everything is great. He said that we need to take time apart, not to hang out for a while and don't text, so that we can figure things out. he said that during this "process" we should not lean on each other for support.

We talked about getting a divorce, but haven't done much about it. Right now we're living separately, separated our finances and some property.

I honestly don't know what I want. I still love him, I still believe that we can fix our mangled relationship and that we can work it out, and I feel like he gave up too easy or that he did not give me a chance to fix anything before he just gave up. But then there are times when I don't want to fix anything, and I don't want to get back together. I don't want to confuse him, but I also don't want to delude myself. 

I feel like I just can't let go, partly because I still love him and partly because I'm afraid that once I move on I will not want him back, I'm afraid that if he changes his mind and decides that we should work it out and I say no it will break his heart, again. And round and round it goes. Uggghhhhhh


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Have you tried marriage counseling yet? Neither of you seem to have the tools to get to the issues, you might need a 3rd, neutral party to help you along. Both your communication skills seem to be lacking to say the least. The thing about MC is, if your not there to really address the issues, both of you, then don't waste your time and money. There seems to be something there still, so its kind of sad to see you both just walking away without really trying to solve anything, but heck the forum is full of stories like yours, where people do just that, walk away.


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## confused12345 (Apr 22, 2013)

We haven't tried marriage counseling, when he wanted to do it I didn't have the time nor interest, and when I finally realized that we need it he didn't want to do it.

And now I'm afraid to reach out to him to suggest counseling because i feel that it will force him to further dig into his position of "it's over and nothing can be done about it". For a while he's been so fatalistic about everything that I'm afraid to say anything he perceives as trying to sway him.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Well think about it for a minute, are you more afraid the marriage is over or more afraid to speak up and try to save it? You have to decide what you really want, then work the steps to get there. If you already turned him down once, and basically told him you didn't have the time or interest??? then he's already started to detach and you might have already missed your chance.


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## confused12345 (Apr 22, 2013)

so then should I sit him down for a heart-to-heart or should I keep trying to do the 180?


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

both???, the heart to heart so he knows you really care and am willing to really try. And depending on his responses only, then decide whether the 180 is even needed. the biggest thing you can do right now is the easiest ...............LISTEN. he'll tell ya exactly how he's feeling.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Confused, your story seems more optimistic than most that are here. I would say when you went dark on him for two months he came back which is positive. I would say based on what you will find on TAM, you should be aware that he made have done some time with someone else during those two months and came back when it did not work out.

Just be careful and not walk yourself into the dreaded "Plan B" trap.

I will be praying for you two to work it out.

Stretch


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## confused12345 (Apr 22, 2013)

Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it. I'm just scared to tell him that I want to work it out, last time we spoke he told me that he feels conflicted and that our spending time together has made it harder for him to deal with our break up. I think that if I tell him that I want to get back together he will withdraw even more...


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## confused12345 (Apr 22, 2013)

Also, he's been depressed for a while and part of his justification for leaving was that he needs to get his life in order and that I was better off without him dragging me down


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Confused, I am not a scholar here but it might be a softer approach to suggest marriage counseling instead of working it out. At that point, if he says no go dark on him and do your 180 to focus on YOU.

The new reality of you not being there for him will either show you that this is the end or he will return to work on your marriage. And I mean work on your marriage, not a convenience for him.

Others should chime in if this is baltantly wrong.

Good luck and focus on YOU,
Stretch


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## confused12345 (Apr 22, 2013)

Stretch, thank you for your advice, it totally makes sense, I'll try it. 

I do have a question  by "going dark" you mean cut off all communication, right? How long should it last? I ordered the Divorce Busting on amazon a couple of days ago, so I'm not 100% on all the things I should be doing 

Again, thank you all for your help, you guys are awesome


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Divorce Busting will give you a more in depth version.

Basically cut off all non-essential communication. There usually is communication for kids, finances, etc but it should be all business and you have to break any desire to extend the conversations. This was very difficult for me at first but at this point, my WAW sends me texts or emails about bills I pay and I stopped even relplying with a "THX".

Please know that I believe that the 180 is the only way to save a marriage, it was my accepted strategy to save my marriage but I have come to believe I was too late. The 180 for me has made me an incredible partner for my new lady (She must think my WAW is full blown nuts for letting me get away, but I am a much different person than I was 8 months ago.) and ready to accept my future no matter what happens. That is the real payoff for you, me and everyone here that gets the advice and takes the plunge into the 180.

Even now, I feel like my WAW will change her mind and want to come back but I do not think I could go back.

Be happy, be strong,
Stretch


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Sorry I rambled and did not answer your other question. The real answer to how long is "it depends".

Either your WS will start giving you signals that they are having second thoughts or you will wake up one morning ready to move on alone. 

You need to be so careful if you are fortunate enough to get the former. If there was infidelity, protect against being "Plan B", be aware that a cheater will do things to justify their actions and deal with guilt. Additionally, you have to control the excitement of the hope. We all had problems in our marriages and those things need to be fixed, feelings need to be true and trust must be rebuilt before we start playing house again.

Work on yourself for you. I know you will like the results.

Stretch


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## confused12345 (Apr 22, 2013)

Stretch, thank you for the advice. I am seriously lost here. I keep going crazy with all the mixed emotions and my half-assed attempts at "remedying" the situation and clearly I've been making things worse and making myself feel worse.

I've been driving myself crazy because I don't know how to proceed, what are the right things to do, what to say to him. I am in constant battle with myself over whether or not to text/email him. I miss him a lot and I not just as my H, but also as my friend, and I've been having a hard time reaching out to others for support. 

You guys are completely right that I have to focus on improving myself first and foremost and only then I will become capable of making rational decisions of how to salvage my marriage and whether it is even worth it.


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## confused12345 (Apr 22, 2013)

uggghhhh!!! i am my own worst enemy!!! he texts and I hop to  how long has it been since my "epiphany" of i need to get it together? uuughhhh!!!


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## confused12345 (Apr 22, 2013)

i am incapable or self-control!!! he invites me to lunch and i jump at the chance!!! 

ok, ok, i am going to take the opportunity to put my cards on the table, ask him what would it take to get us back together, that way he knows this is what i want & if he reacts negatively i will go dark.... does this sound crazy?


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

confused12345 said:


> ok, ok, i am going to take the opportunity to put my cards on the table, ask him what would it take to get us back together, that way he knows this is what i want & if he reacts negatively i will go dark.... does this sound crazy?


The only thing that sounds crazy to me is asking him to name his price for getting back together. You should be naming your price, setting boundaries and outlining the consequences of breaking those boundaries. Tell him you are open to the idea of trying for reconciliation, but only if he meets your conditions. 

You don't have to say that in a an aggressive or "F you" way. Just state it as a fact. The message should be that you are moving on with your life, but there may be a place for him if he bucks his ideas up. He also needs to understand that the only way he gets to have you "in his life" is in a full blown relationship. It's that or nothing, because (as you will hopefully explain to him) you are worth more than that and don't deserve to be anyone's short term plaything.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Do not get down on yourself because you let your heart drive you to do something that you know in your mind is the wrong path.

This is similar to any addiction so if you falter, you just redouble your efforts not to do it again. I did the same things, leaving work early to hopefully run into my WAW picking up mail, finding reasons to go to her apartment, etc. I did not beat myself up. Those opportunities for an encounter faded and I got stronger by working on myself and frankly leaning on my counselor to help keep me focused.

Nice job Voltaire, I agree completely with your guidance, not that you need my approval. :lol:

Confused, I am positive you are a wonderful loving person and whatever happens you are going to come out of this more beautiful and more desirable.

Be strong,
Stretch


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## confused12345 (Apr 22, 2013)

Hi all  again I can't thank you enough for all your insightful and most of all useful advice  I was so lost and afraid to open up to my H because I couldn't come up with the right way of expressing how I feel without breaking down and looking like a needy/emotional mess. 

But after listening to what you told me and reading other threads here, I have finally opened my eyes and begun to see what went wrong & right in our marriage and stopped being defensive about it, which made the whole experience more analytical and less emotional. I gave him space, stopped bombarding him with texts & emails and he reached out to me when he was ready to see me 

Yesterday we went out to lunch and ended up spending the rest of the day together. We talked and for the first time I think that I adequately explained to him my perspective on things, how devastated and angry I was when he moved out and how it took me time to get myself together and that now I am in a much better place and I am not angry anymore, that I can see where things went wrong with us, and that I wholeheartedly believe that we can fix what was broken but it will take time and effort on both of our parts to fix problems and build new bridges. I told him that right now I am in a place where I am willing to invest and work on rebuilding our marriage but I will not feel this way forever. I reassured him that it is not my intent to pressure him or give him any ultimatums that my only goal was to set the record straight and to let him know how I feel. I told him that whatever he decides I will respect and that I wanted to make sure that he knows that he will always be able to comeback to me, only at some point in the future he will only be able to come back as a friend. 

I know I unloaded a LOT of emotional info on him, but he seemed to understand and agree with a lot of what I said. We didn't argue about any of the he said/she said stuff. I told him that if we decided to reconcile, we will be starting a new chapter in our lives, that we will have to reestablish new boundaries and whatever happened before will be in the past.

Yeah... so an eventful day yesterday  but honestly, I feel so much better now, having told him how I feel and not feeling angry or insecure about it has lifted a mountain of anxiety off of my shoulders. I hope and pray that I don't slide backwards when something else goes wrong... 

Thank you for listening


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Awesome, really awesome.

Not to put cold water on your victory, As a person is excited for your progress and success, you have to control your excitement about the possible R. Stay the course on your 180, it is working and you still have to focus on YOU. Remember, your man is highly volatile right now and he is struggling to make his ultimate decision (there is a lot of hard emotional work to be done). That is is decision to make for him and not yours to make for him. You control you and your decisions for you and the person you will be as your journey plays out. Be the best you can be for YOU.

I am excited for you and I think all of us that post here consistently were in dire need of a beautiful story of hope and love. You are carrying the torch for us.

Smiling from ear to ear,
Stretch


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## confused12345 (Apr 22, 2013)

Hi Stretch, I see your point completely, in fact yesterday as my "excitement" started to wind down those feelings of "needing" to talk to him started to surge. I am trying my hardest to stick to the 180 plan and forcing myself to back off and give him space, which he definitely wants and needs, but it is a *battle.* 

I actually called him last night  *BUT* I had a legit reason, I needed some advice/ perspective on a job offer, so I thought he could give me good advice.... but then I manged to violated the 180 again  by offering him advice that he didn't ask for, which is something I realize i've been doing ALL the freaking time when we were together... but I guess the good thing is that I finally realize it now 

I didn't want to sound delusional, and come off saying that now everything is ok, I am well aware that I have sooooooo much to work on (I started making lists) but the 180 is a tricky thing, I keep working the "steps" and when I see results I get soooo excited that I lose my mind and backslide.

I really want and need advice and feedback from you guys because you've been through this and you're the neutral party and you can see the situation and my behavior more clearly, so please please keep it coming.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hi there, just chiming to inquire -- during your afternoon you spent together, did you discuss MC? You know, MC doesn't have to mean, "yes, we are reconciling and this is about doing the work to heal the marriage." You could frame it instead as being for the purpose of helping the two of you asess the best path forward, and test the waters so to speak as to whether it makes sense to work towards R or not. What do you think?

Warm Regards,- A12


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Hey, I was thinking and I would appreciate others to chime in if this correct/incorrect.

Confused, your situation as you described it was one where you thought you H was frustrated because you were always busy or wanted to sleep. If you have a plan to work on that, it might be inbounds to implement that plan see how it goes and then when you are making real progress at personal change, talk to your H about your progress. Significant change, not just attending a session.

The only reason I am thinking this way is part of the 180 is to do something different and you have acknowledged that being more available is one of the changes for you.

Does this make sense,
Stretch


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Don't beat yourself up about giving your husband advice. Based on my previous post, I think that might have been OK if it is different than how you would have reacted when the marriage was starting to have trouble.

See if some folks comment on my last two posts,
Stretch


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## confused12345 (Apr 22, 2013)

@ Awakening - I haven't asked him about MC since the breakup and I've been thinking of how to bring that up without being pushy or overwhelming him, your idea sounds great.

@ Stretch- I have definitely tried to send a consistent message to him that I am available and more open, I am just having difficulties with where to draw the line, i don't want to overwhelm him with attention... the 180 rule about stop texting/calling/email seemed to have worked, when i stopped constantly reaching out to him, he took a week and reached out to me, so i'm trying to find the right balance of giving him the attention that he wants (and i want to give) and looking desperate, jumping at every chance for a connection


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Breathe deep.

This is going to be one of the hardest things you ever do. When you falter, take a deep breath, tell yourself you can do it and try again.

You can do it.

Be strong,
Stretch


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## confused12345 (Apr 22, 2013)

thank you for the support  thank you to everyone here  it really helps to have people listen to me and know exactly how I feel and give me practical advice.

since i started coming to TAM and reading other people's posts and sharing my own experiences, it has helped me *tremendously* in strengthening myself and opening up to people in my life, including my H. although i still miss him soooo much, especially at night when I go to sleep and he's not there to cuddle me, I am learning more and more that I will be ok without him.

so now i am trying to figure out when i should stop trying to "get him back". when will i be ok with the idea that we're not a "we"?


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Confused,

Don't know if this hurts or helps but it is something that is part of the new me.

At the end of my marriage, I loved my WAW as much as the day we got married but I had lost the need to give affection, aka cuddling/spooning in bed at night.

I have a new lady in my life and I wake up a lot in the middle of the night, restless sleeper, and I always give her an embrace and kiss the back of her shoulder. She will never have a night where I do not let her know that I adore her.

You will have it again better than before,
Stretch


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