# Another Newbie



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Greetings! Like many of you, I'm here to get some ideas about things in my marriage that don't make sense to me. Let me jump right in.

While I was chasing a problem with my bank account login (it turned out to be a problem with the bank's website), my wife of 40+ years told me today that the problem may be caused by her purchase of tokens at the Bingo Blitz website. My antenna went up. She's rather naive, so I immediately wondered whether there was more to the story. I questioned her whether the figure was $25 or whether it was more. She said it was probably $75. When I finally got into my bank account, I found out that she spent $220 in the last week. From what I have been able to tell, it's not a gambling site, it's just for recreation. However, the site owners have found ways to get people to spend money to reach the next level, or something like that.

A major argument followed. For the record, she is more than welcome to spend money on herself. I don't even ask. Fortunately, $220 is not a lot of money to us. As I told her in the argument, if she had spent $220 on clothes, jewelry, or furniture, for example, I wouldn't have said a word. I can't figure out why this bothers me so much except that she lied about the amount she spent. She claimed she didn't realize how much she'd spent, and knowing her, that's not hard to believe, but part of me believes she had to know. (If she's not paying attention to the money she's spending, we're going to have even bigger problems.) She's stuck with me through thick and thin. Things are going well for us financially, but that's not an excuse to pay no attention whatsoever to the amount of money she's spending.

So here's where I'm going with this post. Is it reasonable for me to be upset about her not being forthcoming with spending that much money on a bingo site and then not being truthful about it? I don't believe I have ever been this angry in our entire marriage. It's not the money...it's the principle. I get the sense that we are growing apart. 

So that's my first post. I read the rules and hope I didn't violate any of them. Thanks for any thoughts you have.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Welcome to TAM.

What was her response when you told her it was actually $220, not $75? Was she surprised or was she like “Oh crap, I got caught in a lie.”

It seems there is a slight chance she did for realize she spent that much, and maybe it just got away from her. I hear they make that stuff super easy to keep adding funds to the game so you can keep playing.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

My thoughts are that a site like that isnt really very sensible for anyone, especially if its that easy to spend more money than you think. 
Apart from that, maybe she did spend more than she thought, or maybe she felt ashamed that she had wasted that money and didn't want you to know how much it was. If she did lie that is a problem, but not sure how you can know that for sure. 
Cant you just discuss it and say that sites like that aren't really a good idea and just waste money?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

$220 in a week. How long has she been gambling? months? If she has lost count of her losses, she is likely addicted. There are many similar sites as well. Does she do this while alone or with friends?

Then she lied--no one underestimates that much. This also adds up to innumerable hours lost too. She is bored too and needs to find a new hobby or fulfilling task. Could she volunteer? Crochet hats for African babies? Drive others to the doctor? Are you retired? At home? Still arranging date nights and other interesting events to do together?

Yes, I think it is reasonable to be upset. Clearly explain to her exactly how angry you are.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Naw,..... Make no big deal out of it, it was brought to her attention. And the money is not a big deal. Let it go.... How long married, learn to pick your battles worth fighting. I've spent money frivolously and heck prolly lost more in the stock market this week. Be a fun guy to her you love her and to be cautious.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sfort said:


> While I was chasing a problem with my bank account login (it turned out to be a problem with the bank's website), my wife of 40+ years told me today that the problem may be caused by her purchase of tokens at the Bingo Blitz website. *She's rather naive*, so I immediately wondered whether there was more to the story. I questioned her whether the figure was $25 or whether it was more. She said it was probably $75. When I finally got into my bank account, I found out that she spent $220 in the last week.


I'm intrigued by what you have said ^^here.^^ What do you mean when you say your wife is "naïve"? Not wordly? A sucker? A space cadet? Too trusting? Not too bright? I want to assure you, I'm only spit balling here. It is not my intention to pigeon hole your wife or call her stupid. But, after 40+ years of marriage, I'm very interested into what it is about her that makes her "naïve."



Sfort said:


> she is more than welcome to spend money on herself. I don't even ask. Fortunately, $220 is not a lot of money to us. As I told her in the argument, if she had spent $220 on clothes, jewelry, or furniture, for example, I wouldn't have said a word. I can't figure out why this bothers me so much except that she lied about the amount she spent. She claimed she didn't realize how much she'd spent, and knowing her, that's not hard to believe, but part of me believes she had to know.


So if she'd spent $220 on a piece of junk jewelry and not realized she was getting junk and nowhere near her money's worth, it wouldn't bother you. But this does. Nope. I'm not buying into your explanation. How could she have actually lied about the money she spent on something you don't approve of, when you say she may not have realized how much she spent? I'm getting a control vibe here. Why? Because spending $220 on furniture is going to buy you, maybe, a crappy lamp. I'm just trying to figure out what exactly is going on here, because some of what you are saying is contradictory. 



Sfort said:


> (If she's not paying attention to the money she's spending, we're going to have even bigger problems.) She's stuck with me through thick and thin. Things are going well for us financially, but that's not an excuse to pay no attention whatsoever to the amount of money she's spending.


But, as I already stated, this is contradictory. You acknowledge she is a bit, shall we say, "naïve" (about money and other things, I assume), yet you are saying her not paying "attention" to her spending could be a bigger problem. Sounds to me like there is a bigger problem already.



Sfort said:


> So here's where I'm going with this post. Is it reasonable for me to be upset about her not being forthcoming with spending that much money on a bingo site and then not being truthful about it? *I don't believe I have ever been this angry in our entire marriage.* It's not the money...it's the principle. I get the sense that we are growing apart.


I can understand you are upset that your wife was less than forthright with you. But I'm genuinely confused. On the one hand, it sounds like she's not the best with handling money, but on the other hand you are saying this lie/betrayal has made you angrier than anything else in your 40+ years of marriage.

I've been on this site for a long time. I've read about spouses cheating and lying about it. It is reasonable to expect the betrayed spouse to go nuclear if that occurs. But we're talking about a small amount of money here. Are you telling me that your somewhat-naïve wife (whatever that means …) has never told a white lie before? Could she have been misled about the amount she spent? 

I just want to understand why YOU find this so egregious. Because it's about YOU, not her. You're the one who is upset. You are the one who is posting. 

Would I be as upset as you? Well, no. But I'm not you. So what's the whole story here?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

After reading these posts and thinking about the situation, I've decided to divide our finances. She can do whatever she wants with her income (I make four times what she makes) and I'll give her my share of the monthly expenses. Problem solved. If she wants to spend $220 in a week playing bingo online (it's not a gambling site), she can do it. If she runs out of money, that's for her to manage. Since she can't tell the difference between $25 and $220, I need to take control of my funds. I'll transfer funds to her when she gives me a spreadsheet itemizing every penny she needs. 

The marriage is turning into nothing but a business relationship anyway. I might as well protect myself. Maybe I won't stay in the marriage. If my business partner lied to me the way she did, I'd dissolve my business relationship with him. 

If there are what some posters here think are inconsistencies, they're probably the result of my trying to say enough to communicate the problem without sharing too much information. I'm new here, and if I stick around, it will take me a while to learn the culture.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sfort said:


> The marriage is turning into nothing but a business relationship anyway. I might as well protect myself. Maybe I won't stay in the marriage.


So the marriage isn't in good shape anyway. Do you wish to share what other problems led to this current state? If not, that's fine. But sometimes people come here because they need to vent.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Welcome to TAM, @Sfort.

Bingo Blitz IS a gambling site and that's a lot of money to spend in a week.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Bingo!! There's a issues in the marriage. Hope you do stay if for nothing else but gain other views.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Bingo is gambling. Does she go on there a lot or was this her first time?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Bingo is gambling. Does she go on there a lot or was this her first time?


This week was her first time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sfort said:


> After reading these posts and thinking about the situation, I've decided to divide our finances. She can do whatever she wants with her income (I make four times what she makes) and I'll give her my share of the monthly expenses. Problem solved. If she wants to spend $220 in a week playing bingo online (it's not a gambling site), she can do it. If she runs out of money, that's for her to manage. Since she can't tell the difference between $25 and $220, I need to take control of my funds. I'll transfer funds to her when she gives me a spreadsheet itemizing every penny she needs.
> 
> The marriage is turning into nothing but a business relationship anyway. I might as well protect myself. Maybe I won't stay in the marriage. If my business partner lied to me the way she did, I'd dissolve my business relationship with him.
> 
> If there are what some posters here think are inconsistencies, they're probably the result of my trying to say enough to communicate the problem without sharing too much information. I'm new here, and if I stick around, it will take me a while to learn the culture.


After 40 years you are going to divide your finances over $220? Really? Not cool at all.

Do you have to ask her permission for every penny that you spend?

With the type of website you describe that she was on, I'm not at all surprised that they charge more $$ than she realizes. This might have been a learning experience for her. Those sites are rip offs. People I know how use sites like that get pre-paid cards so that if the site starts going charge happy, they can only get the $$ on the card.

I have a different suggestion. When a couple has some discretionary income, each spouse should be able to spend some money each pay period without having to explain themselves to their spouse.

Many couples have a joint account and then each spouse has an individual account. Every pay period, after putting $$ in savings and paying the bills, any discretionarily funds are split evenly between the two of you. That way each of you have the same amount of spending money. And neither of you can over spend out of the joint account.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sfort said:


> This week was her first time.


OK. so here are my thoughts. Firstly, its her first time on the site, maybe she didn't realise how much she was spending or how it really worked. Secondly, your reaction to this may well be why she tried to hide it from you, because she knew that you would be angry. Its not easy dealing with any angry spouse. Lastly, it is really the end of the world? Cant you just agree that she wont go on it again and forgive and move on?
I do think that your reaction is very over the top, and as long as we learn from such things they are not wasted. I am sure that you have done some unwise things in your life.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

EleGirl and Diana7, I hear and appreciate what you're saying. As I said in my original post, the problem is not the money (although since the original post new charges have come in on the credit card - it was actually $352), it's the fact that she hid it from me. We were very broke at one time in our lives, and we are doing very well currently. However, and I understand that men and women treat things differently, but to me, lying is lying, whether it's about an affair or whether it's about hiding money spent on a stupid website. If she would say something on the order of, "Wow, I can't believe I did something that stupid," maybe I could get past it. Instead, she says, "Well, a lot of people play golf and do things that cost a lot of money. I happened to enjoy playing bingo online. I will never do it again." She spent half a week's pay on online bingo. I happened to discover it while it was in progress. It was a total coincidence that I found out about it. At the rate she was spending money, should would have spent a week's pay within a couple of days. Please tell me I'm being unreasonable asking her not to spend a week's pay playing bingo.

We can afford to waste $352, but we can't afford it over and over and over again. We have some family members with serious health and addiction issues. They have and will continue to cost us a lot of money because we choose to help them in hopes of recovery or at least a better life. If we aren't smart about the money we spend, there will be nothing left to help them. We have probably 10 accounts, including personal checking, business checking, savings, and even PayPal. She has/had access to all of them. The scary part is she pays the bills. (Most of them are drafted. We don't have any debt except monthly bills, like utilities.) 

No, she doesn't have and has never had to ask permission to spend a penny. Even more so now. I've separated most of our finances. Her paycheck goes into her account. When she runs out of money, she can deal with it. She no longer has access to the account that my paycheck goes into. She's forgotten what it was like to be broke. 

There are obviously other problems in the marriage. She waits until we have an argument to tell me what she doesn't like about me. I get NO credit for the good things I do. We don't watch any of the same shows on TV, she likes sports while I don't, she reads novels all the time she's not at work, she never initiates sex although she never refuses, she likes a cluttered house while I prefer one that is clean and neat. The point is, I feel like I'm a nothing more than a piggy bank. If I'm the angry spouse, then it's unlikely that these differences are reconcilable. I'm searching for a reason to stay in this marriage. I've told her that we can talk in front of a marriage counselor. If she chooses not to make an appointment with one, so be it. If I pick one, she will criticize me for picking the wrong one or she will refuse to go.

I, like most people here, am looking for caring support and guidance. I hope that's what the responses to this post are. Every forum has its culture.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

It sounds like you and your wife don't share common interests. Personally, I'd go crazy in a cluttered house, but I happen to be a neat freak. I could never live with a slob.

It also sounds like your wife is rather passive-aggressive, since she never brings up things that bother her until there's an argument. Not a good way to communicate.

If you feel like nothing more than a money source, perhaps it would be best to go your own way. Sadly, it seems you are in a loveless marriage.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Perhaps a more healthy habit with time together?

Less business, more connection?

If it is just fun then come to an agreement like a monthly limit ($100.00/.mo if affordable) on a rechargeable VISA cash card.

Have one for each of you that you can spend without conflict, or save up.

I know people who spend far more than that on Starbucks or lottery.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Separating finances seems like a harsh punishment to me. If I were your wife I would think you had one leg out the door. And that’s a terrible way to feel.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Girl_power said:


> Separating finances seems like a harsh punishment to me. If I were your wife I would think you had one leg out the door. And that’s a terrible way to feel.


It's not punishment. It's protection. I shudder to think how much she would have spent if I had not stumbled onto the matter. Since you are here and posting in this group, if you were my wife, I doubt I would have the problem. 

Let me say again to prior responders. The problem is much less about the money than it is the lying, deception, and failure to admit the stupidity of the situation. If she wants to make things better, she'll make an appointment with a marriage counselor. If she doesn't, I have one leg out the door. I'm thinking about going to a hotel for a few days anyway (which proves it's not so much about the money.)


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Sfort said:


> It's not punishment. It's protection. I shudder to think how much she would have spent if I had not stumbled onto the matter. Since you are here and posting in this group, if you were my wife, I doubt I would have the problem.
> 
> 
> 
> Let me say again to prior responders. The problem is much less about the money than it is the lying, deception, and failure to admit the stupidity of the situation. If she wants to make things better, she'll make an appointment with a marriage counselor. If she doesn't, I have one leg out the door. I'm thinking about going to a hotel for a few days anyway (which proves it's not so much about the money.)




I just think because it’s the first time she probably didn’t realize that she spent as much as she did. Your acting like there was malice behind his and I just think she didnt realize she spent so much. I think we have are all been guilty of that.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Ok, you've convinced me. I've cooled off quite a bit. She has never been malicious, and I've not accused her of that. I've accused her of lying, which she did. She has convinced me that she was oblivious to how much money she was spending. There is no telling how much money she would have spent had I not stumbled across what she was doing. That still bothers me quite a bit. In any case, we've agreed to some changes that will help her once again focus on the value on money. She hasn't had to worry about what things cost for a few years now. 

The problem is this. If you lie to me about one thing, as far as I'm concerned, you'll lie to me about anything. I am SO tired of finding tips of icebergs only to learn, after digging, that there really are icebergs underneath the surface. Everyone says this, but I'm telling you the truth when I say that I never set out to deceive her about anything. I tell the truth even when it hurts. Am I perfect? No, but I have kept my marriage vows and have been a good provider for the family. I at least deserve some credit for that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Get one of those charge cards which you load up with money and when the money on it runs out, that's it until it's charged up again.

It can be her "mad" money.


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