# past infidelity creating difficulties in resolving present conflicts.



## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

How does one deal with issues or conflicts that arise once in a while in a marriage (in reconciliation) that have nothing to do with a past infidelity without dragging the issues from the infidelity into it? 

I am trying to move on, forgive my husband, not live in the past where the infidelity took place, create good and meaningful experiences with him, regain my trust and respect for him and enjoy our lives together, but...

I find that when we have a conflict over something minor, as all married couples have, I tend to blame the infidelity, or more correctly, my husband's personality characteristics that led to the infidelity for our present argument. 

So then I feel guilty, realizing I really haven't moved on and wonder if I still want to punish him for a past he has apologized for and is working hard to overcome and make up for. Something is still unresolved for me and I don't know how to fix it...

Its been 2 and a half years since Dday, with a lot of complications in reconciliation due to OW continued attempts to maintain a connection with my husband and his less than ideal reactions to these attempts. And with the passage of time, it is very frustrating to him to have to go over and over issues that he thought were dealt with...But we are both determined to stay the course, and rebuild our relationship. 

Any advice from those who have been through this?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well, if your husband hasn't corrected the personality flaws that led to the infidelity, you SHOULD be bringing them up.

My hubby HAS corrected his, and what he did still pops into my brain at inopportune times. It's all part of the wonderful gift that keeps on giving.

We've been going to MC for over 3 years since D day, every 5-6 weeks, and there are times I dearly look forward to those sessions, believe me!

As for dealing with issues and conflicts, I do not bring up the infidelity. I actually never did, once I decided to R. At first it had to be a conscious decision, and a very difficult one at that, but now it doesn't even cross my mind. I give my hubby credit for that.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Has he installed boundaries to address those character flaws?

Have you actually forgiven him?


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

allwillbewell said:


> Something is still unresolved for me and I don't know how to fix it...


I think that's the crux of your issue right there. It's not all resolved. You still feel the betrayal, you still have pain, and he hasn't done all he can do (I'm guessing) to correct it. You need to delve into your thoughts, perhaps some thought you've tried to bury in order to not deal with them, and work those out. Your H should be completely onboard with you in trying to figure out what those things are and how he can help, if it's something he contributed to. 

If you have other demons from your own past that affect you, you need to recognize those, and how they affect you today. These are things that would be completely independent of the hurt from your H. Things from your youth, your personal past, your frame of reference. 

It can be difficult to sift through your mind and sort these things out. I know this one well. I think most of us tend to bury and hide, even from ourselves.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

doubletrouble said:


> I think that's the crux of your issue right there. It's not all resolved. You still feel the betrayal, you still have pain, and *he hasn't done all he can do* (I'm guessing) to correct it. You need to delve into your thoughts, perhaps some thought you've tried to bury in order to not deal with them, and work those out. Your H should be completely onboard with you in trying to figure out what those things are and how he can help, if it's something he contributed to.


I agree, but note that it is also possible that your husband has done all he can and that is still not enough. I suspect that after 2.5 years of R, it would be hard to admit that you can't continue, particularly if he has done everything you have asked for (and more). But be honest with yourself. It is the right thing to do for you and for him.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

You do this because it gives you the high moral ground in the argument, regardless of whether or not it's pertinent to the argument.

My wife kept doing this. I understood the need for healing but it got to a point that every argument fell back on the affair.

Me: "Well, if you didn't leave the car windows down it wouldn't have got wet when it rained."

Her: "Well, if you could have kept your pants zipped we wouldn't have needed two cars to begin with."

OK.

My way of handling it was to stop any discussion of the past... even when it was civil. She realized that if she wanted to have a civil discussion about the affair, she couldn't use it as a fall back position when it had nothing to do with an argument.

You have to realize this. If you continue to use it as a club, or use it as a "victim card" in EVERY argument, you will just push him away.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

This is a very thoughtful question and I commend you on clearly understanding the temptaion to bring up his affair when there are conflicts that have nothing to do with it. You stated that you and your husband are working on mending the relationship but did not mention what you are doing in that process. I work at a Marriage & Family Non-Profit and want to recommend a book called _Torn Assunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair_. This is a step-by-step process taking you through every area of your relationship to help bring healing. I have used it personally and found it very effective.

I can make further recommendations if you are interested and if you send me a private message. Half the battle is recognizing the temptation to hold onto the betrayal as you continue to move forward. I believe with all my heart that your marriage will be much stronger if you both are as completely committed to the process as you state. Perseverance is the word that comes to mind. Blessings on you!


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## Haru2013 (Oct 23, 2013)

Its been 2 and a half years since Dday, with a lot of complications in reconciliation due to OW continued attempts to maintain a connection with my husband and his less than ideal reactions to these attempts. And with the passage of time, it is very frustrating to him to have to go over and over issues that he thought were dealt with...But we are both determined to stay the course, and rebuild our relationship. 

-------------------------------------------------------------
It's very interesting to read the above, because my husband had so called 'Emotionl Affair' with the twice-divorced woman who sometimes comes to visit her mother nearby. 

When I confronted my husband and subsequently he apologized his behaviour during heated argument and promised me not see nor talk to this woman again. However, like you, there is some unresolved feelings that does not go away whenever he comes home late and the like. 

I love my husband and we have a lot of common grounds to stay the marriage, however, it's hard to get rid of suspicious and bad feelings once I witnessed his EA. Then, I really understand how you've been going through. In my case, we, both are no longer young and trying to be happy to each other is most critical asset on our marriage. However, this thing, OW doesn't go away, even though I know that my husband has no intetion to get in touch with this woman again as seeing that he started to stay home and keep busy by doing other things over weekends. Then, in my suggestion and advice would be to find the time to talk each other more often and most importantly, stay home togeher or doing things together as much as possible that at least works for me not dwell on the past. Seeing him every day alleviates the pain I experienced during his EA.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

allwillbewell said:


> How does one deal with issues or conflicts that arise once in a while in a marriage (in reconciliation) that have nothing to do with a past infidelity without dragging the issues from the infidelity into it?
> 
> I am trying to move on, forgive my husband, not live in the past where the infidelity took place, create good and meaningful experiences with him, regain my trust and respect for him and enjoy our lives together, but...
> 
> ...


You say that she is still trying to get his attention and he has had less than ideal reactions to her during your attempt to R with him
To me this would make it impossible for you to forgive him
He has to stay away from her. No communication at all. No responding to her attempts
If he has not sent her a no contact letter then he needs to if he has but she persists than see a lawyer and sue her for harassment 
Maybe you can clear yo what you meant by your statements because I simply can't see you getting over anything in that climate
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sdyjdstyqing (Dec 20, 2013)

I am trying to move on,


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I find that when we have a conflict over something minor, as all married couples have, I tend to blame the infidelity, or more correctly, my husband's personality characteristics that led to the infidelity for our present argument. 

Like someone else said, if your husband hasn't dealt with the personality characteristics that laid the foundation for the infidelity, then his own behavior will be a trigger in the present time. As long as he doesn't fix himself, there is a danger he still has open doors/vulnerabilities/weaknesses that could lead to an A and devastate you all over again. At least that is my experience.

So then I feel guilty, realizing I really haven't moved on and wonder if I still want to punish him for a past he has apologized for and is working hard to overcome and make up for. Something is still unresolved for me and I don't know how to fix it...

I did realize that in my own pain, I have used the infidelity and other issues to punish him. I want him to feel the pain I felt, or still feel. By divulging this new revelation to him, I am hoping that I stop doing it. Of course he already knew I was doing that, but he understood why.

Its been 2 and a half years since Dday, with a lot of complications in reconciliation due to OW continued attempts to maintain a connection with my husband and his less than ideal reactions to these attempts.

Maybe your husband needs to seriously consider getting a restraining order on OW. Douse her fire with a little cold water/reality.

And with the passage of time, it is very frustrating to him to have to go over and over issues that he thought were dealt with.

Well, in my opinion, that is just too bad. He has not been doing the hard work of keeping up his end of R...namely staying away from OW and proving to you he is 100% committed to you. Have you considered establishing some of your own boundaries or requirements for R, and discussing these with him?

..But we are both determined to stay the course, and rebuild our relationship.

It really does take two people working on it. While the affair is not the betrayed spouse's fault at all, the betrayed has a very long, uphill battle they have to fight. Reconciliation is not for the faint of heart.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Thank you all responders, some very great advice...

As far as my back story, you could go to my personal stats and read the threads I opened...but the short story is my husband had conducted a 6 year affair at the time I discovered...over the next 2 1/2 years we remained together, never separated, his AP every couple of months would try to contact him, sometimes successfully, sometimes not. Early on, my husband would occasionally initiate contact or answer a voicemail she left. About 6 months ago I discovered her again contacting him via text message and I made contact with her myself to tell her to back off. She revealed that my husband had told her of having an affair 20 years ago which I knew nothing about except for an anonymous letter which he vehemently denied at the time.. I believed him. 

Of course, I pressed for the truth and after 20 years of hiding that secret, he finally admitted a one year affair. I left for a week to think things over...when I returned, I made it crystal clear that I could tolerate no more lapses, defined my boundaries and established the consequences of any more dishonesty or contact. He sent her a definite NC letter at that time which he has abided by since then but she has not. We thought about restraining orders but ruled that out as not plausible nor desirable in our very small town. We have not told a soul about our situation, not wanting our children to know and personally I am too humiliated to share this with anyone, family or friend. 

I had made the decision to stay with him even though I consider the last 20 years of our marriage pretty much a waste...what were happy memories for me have been tainted by the fact that he was leading an adulterous life for at least 7 of them and hiding the cancer of lies until 6 months ago. I realize I have a lot of anger and resentment over the choices he made which were forced on me and which became my life and yes, I sometimes feel I may be punishing him or trying to inflict pain on him. I am not sure I have forgiven him; what does it even feel like, how do you know? 

I can understand how he turned to affairs as our marriage was a struggle even 20 years ago...I take responsibility for 50% of that but it is hard to understand why he couldn't come to me with his unhappiness and needs and prefer to fake a happy marriage. I feel if I had known about the first affair, we could have fixed our marriage then and none of the rest would have been necessary. I could perhaps forgive him for turning to other women, but it has been impossible up to now to forgive him for the length of his deceit and the fact that he brought the second woman into our house, our bed, my sacred places when I was out of town. Triggers? Hell, yes! Constantly. 

I'm sure people are wondering why I am still with this man...I posted way back on someone's thread why I stayed with my husband...but in short, I love him and we have been able to reestablish the bond we once had early on in our marriage...we have experienced a lot of joys, made wonderful new memories with the expectation of more. He knows he failed and disappointed me, betrayed me and doesn't deserve any more chances. As far as his character flaws, they revolve mostly around withdrawal, emotional distance and lack of gestures of affection. Since the discovery of the affairs, he is uncomfortable talking about them or reassuring me when I trigger. He has refused to read any self help books although we did do a little counseling, I did a lot more by myself. He obviously need IC but I doubt that will ever happen if left up to him. He just cannot face the reality of what he did, what he became and how dismal his own failure was. He wants to start over, forget the past and build our relationship to the best it can become....

So there you are...thanks so much for all the advice, I will think hard on all of it...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

allwillbewell said:


> He obviously need IC but I doubt that will ever happen if left up to him. He just cannot face the reality of what he did, what he became and how dismal his own failure was. He wants to start over, forget the past and build our relationship to the best it can become....


If he REALLY MEANS that he wants your relationship to be the best it can be, then he needs to smarten the hell up! Unless he gets over this and does the hard work required, you will spend the rest of your life feeling this way. And it will probably get worse. He does not GET to pretend he never fvcked up. As long as he insists on doing that, you will never heal.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

allwillbewell said:


> Thank you all responders, some very great advice...
> 
> As far as my back story, you could go to my personal stats and read the threads I opened...but the short story is my husband had conducted a 6 year affair at the time I discovered...over the next 2 1/2 years we remained together, never separated, his AP every couple of months would try to contact him, sometimes successfully, sometimes not. Early on, my husband would occasionally initiate contact or answer a voicemail she left. About 6 months ago I discovered her again contacting him via text message and I made contact with her myself to tell her to back off. She revealed that my husband had told her of having an affair 20 years ago which I knew nothing about except for an anonymous letter which he vehemently denied at the time.. I believed him.
> 
> ...


Wow... 

-sammy


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

allwillbewell said:


> I could perhaps forgive him for turning to other women, but it has been impossible up to now to forgive him for the length of his deceit and the fact that h*e brought the second woman into our house, our bed, my sacred places when I was out of town. Triggers? Hell, yes! Constantly. *
> 
> . *As far as his character flaws, they revolve mostly around withdrawal, emotional distance and lack of gestures of affection. Since the discovery of the affairs, he is uncomfortable talking about them or reassuring me when I trigger. He has refused to read any self help books although we did do a little counseling, I did a lot more by myself. He obviously need IC but I doubt that will ever happen if left up to him. He just cannot face the reality of what he did, what he became and how dismal his own failure was. He wants to start over, forget the past and build our relationship to the best it can become....*


Your husband having sex in your bed says a lot more about his feelings for you, that shows a very blatant lack of respect, as in he did it there to cut the knife even deeper.

He is also Rug Sweeping, if he refuses to dig down deep to why he cheated, then the chance of another affair is even greater because he won't acknowledge his culpability in what he did. He screwed up big, he doesn't now get the luxury of pretending nothing happened, & trying to forget the past. As the saying goes, "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I can only say you have been very accommodating in overlooking his flaws and if you periodically notice them in some situations, that isn't unreasonable.


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