# Please Help



## Bb08 (Apr 16, 2019)

I am struggling deeply and just need some sound advice.

I've had a very rough year. I was struggling with care-taking for a very very sick immediate family member and went through a rough surgery for myself. My mental health suffered during this time- I began to struggle with crippling anxiety and was very vulnerable when i was not able to be independent during my own recovery. During this time I was not fun to be around but was very open and honest with my husband about my mental state and wanting to get better. 

Unfortunately, my husband pushed me away. A few weeks ago, I reacted poorly to a finances argument we had and he left me for a few days after sending a text ' we should just be friends'. After finally coming home, to my devastation, he asked for a separation and told me he has been unhappy and suffering in silence. He said he was past his breaking point. I was horrified- not only because I realized that I had hurt him by not taking better care of my own mental health- but because he had failed to communicate this to me. The day before we had been snuggled together all day, so I was shocked that he has reached this point so dramatically. 

The weeks since have been hell. We are in separate rooms and he works nights. The rare times we do talk, he continues to state he wants a separation but then ends by saying he isn't sure. I have reflected and while I know it's a long road, I am committed to my husband and want to do everything I can to work hard and resolve these issues healthily. He agreed to see a couple counselor with me, but then backed out saying he wants to see a therapist on his own. He refuses to tell me what is going on his mind and seems to flip flop constantly. Sometimes he is clearly missing me, asking for a hug or giving me a ride. Then he wont talk to me for days. 

I have given him space but I am reaching my own breaking point in terms of respect. I have taken time away to just try to re-center, booking my own therapy, going to the gym everyday, etc. However I am not really doing well physically. I am sick to stomach (literally) over the idea of separation and starting my life over and losing my love. My anxiety is full swing and Im not sleeping and broken out in hives most days. I dont want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with me, but honestly I thought i could lean on my husband in a time of need (my rough year) and not hide my feelings. I thought he was committed and would be open with me before just running away. He is treating me like I'm his worst enemy - despite the fact that I never intentionally hurt him. I dont agree that he cant find happiness with me - life will get better, I will work on getting back to my healthy normal self. He is acting like there is major risk associated with trying to work on our problems, when they are normal married people problems that can be resolved with work and respect. I of course have already said I would respect boundaries if we gave it another go and he decided it wasn't working. 


While I dont want to rush him with such a critical moment, we have real responsibilities that need to be handled and discussed. He is not working with me on these. I have given him several weeks to sort out a plan. He has not even started to call around for a counselor, but refuses to talk to me about either moving forward or officially separating until he has spoken with a therapist first. To me, it sounds like he does not intend to talk to me or work on things in the near furture. While he has not been able to prioritize sorting out his feelings, he has taken steps toward a life without me. In these past weeks he has applied for and accepted a new job (without telling me until it was over), talked to someone about adopting our cat, and taken off his wedding ring (the lowest blow). He WAS willing to talk to me about how we might split things if we separate - unbelievably he said he would refuse to give notice on our lease and wants to me move out and stay with family for free for 6 months until the lease ends while he lives in our home alone. Or to live with him after we decide to split, which is unbearable to me. I am having a hard time staying here now. 

It's these things that are making me devastated. If his feelings have changed- if he no longer can be married to me- why end things so harshly? Why not be empathetic and respectful and explain your feelings changed? Why not try to end things peacefully? there was no infidelity, there was no major incident (on my end). I am truly blindsided and just suffering deeply from his behavior. I dont understand how you can love someone for a decade and then just treat them like a speck of dust. 

There are a few things coming up that I feel I cannot navigate without his support. We agreed not to tell families until we had made a decision, but we have several important family events next week that we have agreed to attend long ago. He will now not show up, despite prior commitments to help setup and run these events. We have a family trip booked in three weeks. We have expenses and bills due. He now just wants me to make excuses for him not attending and refuses to talk about things, including the fact I would lose thousands by him not attending these trips. I have paid bills alone. 

I am really alone isolated and honestly, in a crisis. I need people I love and trust for support. But telling them this means it would be very hard for my family to support a potential reconciliation. Also mentally, it's growing impossible for me trust him. How can I ever trust again? I never questioned him but his treatment of me now is a whole new set of issues for me. Most important, he sees what he is doing to me (he can hear me getting sick, crying, staying up allnight) and continues to do the opposite of the right thing. 

He was supposed to call his insurance and doctor for a therapist referral today but has not given any update. He texted me he wants to speak with me late tonight about our cat ( I assume he is giving her up per his last text update). At this time, I feel like if he did not make any calls today nor is he willing to commit to working towards healthy state in the next weeks or two, I feel like I need to pack up and leave for hotel tomorrow. While I can't afford it, I also feel that my mental health is in jeopardy living with him like this. He is watching me suffer and refusing to let me in, let me know if there is any chance or if he is just bying time trying to figure out how he can leave. Seeing his wedding ring on the table makes me literally puke. He has not shown me shred of decency and I know if we end things, I will face the serious humiliation of having trusted and committed and celebrated my love to a man who felt lukewarm about being committed to me at best. I trusted him with my deepest thoughts and the most private parts of my life. I thought he would be my partner. I never thought he would leave me like this, but always thought if we had a major issue, he would be gentleman and a loving soul.

Am I crazy to pack up and leave tomorrow if he will not talk or make steps towards a positive direction? I love him deeply and I dont want our marriage to end, but I can't live in limbo. I need peace and I feel I deserve that. I feel like since it looks like I will be alone, I need to take care of myself. But I could never forgive myself if I did not stay open and forgiving to the one I have promised my life to?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

It sounds to me that even though he is waffling, he is coming down on the side of "I'm done." Taking off his wedding ring would be indicative of that, in my opinion.

You've been sick and preoccupied with helping a seriously ill family member. Is it possible your husband is seeing someone else? The reason I ask is it sounds like he wants to unburden himself to a counselor alone about something; something he might not be able or willing to share with you now.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Has he been stepping out on you? His actions might be guilt driven.

Or has he had a breakdown, himself?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> It sounds to me that even though he is waffling, he is coming down on the side of "I'm done." Taking off his wedding ring would be indicative of that, in my opinion.
> 
> You've been sick and preoccupied with helping a seriously ill family member. Is it possible your husband is seeing someone else? The reason I ask is it sounds like he wants to unburden himself to a counselor alone about something; something he might not be able or willing to share with you now.


And two people at the exact time time had the exact same thought. 2.51am here and whatever.51 for you.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Gut wrenching story. There are 2 paths you could choose here......Continue to be enmeshed in the layers of pain and drama that will unfold for who knows how long with the conclusion unknown OR you could try and save your health and sanity and trust your gut by cutting your losses early and giving him what he says he wants.......divorce. Everyone has their limits and sooner or later you will reach yours and then act. You will get lots of good advice here by people who really care.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

How old are y'all? How long married? What did you do in your anxiety? You depressed too? Sounds like he wants out, but has some guilt over this. Maybe, he has someone else in mind.

I know what it is like when your SO is not there for you in time of serious illness or devastating need. It bruises your heart. You can survive without him. Do you have support? children?

He snuggled to say good-bye, but this led to your astonishment. I'm wondering if you spent so much time in your and your families bad times and he got tired of coming last--always last. Count the number of I's and me's in your post. 

He IS making plans to leave--cat re-homed, new job, RING OFF. He is discussing lease--what you do is up to you, but do not let him bamboozle you. Find courage and stop second-guessing what he 'really' means to do. I'm sorry.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I am going to go come right out and ask, when you say you "reacted badly" during an argument recently, what does that mean?

You say you weren't fun to be around, does that mean you were depressed? Angry? Did you take that out on your husband? Were you verbally abusive?

I ask because I have a close relative who suffers from depression. She is often very nasty, and says very cruel things. She claims she is not responsible for what she says because she is mentally ill. I call bs. Most of her venom is directed at her poor husband, and I feel he is reaching his limit. She's honestly lucky he's still married to her, he deserves a medal. I understand that in the moment, she may not be able to control herself, that's part of mental illness. What I don't understand is how later, she won't apologise despite knowing how much she's hurt him. She uses her mental illness as a get out of jail free card for bad (appalling behaviour).

In terms of what you can do, honestly the best thing for your mental health is probably to move out and file for divorce. Give him what he wants and start fresh.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

frusdil said:


> I am going to go come right out and ask, when you say you "reacted badly" during an argument recently, what does that mean?
> 
> You say you weren't fun to be around, does that mean you were depressed? Angry? Did you take that out on your husband? Were you verbally abusive?
> 
> ...


I have to deal with the results of my wife's Asperger's meltdowns and rages and they can really take a toll on me.

So there is that possibility, too.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Bb08 said:


> I am struggling deeply and just need some sound advice.
> 
> I've had a very rough year. I was struggling with care-taking for a very very sick immediate family member and went through a rough surgery for myself. My mental health suffered during this time- I began to struggle with crippling anxiety and was very vulnerable when i was not able to be independent during my own recovery. During this time I was not fun to be around but was very open and honest with my husband about my mental state and wanting to get better.
> 
> Unfortunately, my husband pushed me away. A few weeks ago, I reacted poorly to a finances argument we had and he left me for a few days after sending a text ' we should just be friends'. After finally coming home, to my devastation, he asked for a separation and told me he has been unhappy and suffering in silence. He said he was past his breaking point. I was horrified- not only because I realized that I had hurt him by not taking better care of my own mental health- but because he had failed to communicate this to me. The day before we had been snuggled together all day, so I was shocked that he has reached this point so dramatically.


Are you 100% POSITIVE that he did not communicate his feelings to you? We have seen this here with "walk away wives", where the husband claims to be blindsided by his wife's need to end the marriage... but in reality, she did express her unhappiness many times, but was dismissed, as if her feelings were not valid or didnt matter. Are you sure he didnt come to you and try and discuss, and you just couldnt be bothered with his issues? I think its important to be honest with yourself about this, because if you invalidated him, that pushed him away. 

I can usually get a vibe about whether the spouse who wants out is cheating or not when reading posts like this, but with your post, I cannot get a read on this either way. What I CAN tell though is that he is DONE, and he is having a difficult time reconciling his own feelings about it. I am so sorry that you have been going through such a hard time, but I think the most respectful thing you can do here for him is to let him go, if that is what he really wants. It sounds like he has been through a lot in dealing with your issues, (not that its your fault) so I think going about ending things with compassion on both sides would be the way to go. 

Now, if it turns out he is cheating, then thats a different ball game... I do wish you peace and luck whichever way things go.


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