# Baby blues and low libido



## Jsmith8888g (Jun 26, 2020)

My wife have been married for 2 years together for 7. Like most relationships, when our relationship started we were having sex all the time. But as time passed things went downhill. We had dry spells of months at a time at one point a couple of years in. The rest of our relationship had been really good but this was a problem for me, so I raised it. It turned out she wasn't happy with the effort I put in around the house (chores etc) and that meant she couldn't get in the mood. Long story short I put more effort in and things improved quickly... For a while. 

Now other issues are, 
1. She never initiates, like literally not once in our relationship. I've told her how sexy it would be for her to, 7 years and not once. 
2. Because she doesn't initiate, I have to. But the constant rejection takes its toll.
3. To even get a passionate kiss from her feels like I'm almost begging and not something she enjoys

Now I'm not just expecting to get into the bedroom, give her a poke and expect her to bend over. Far from it. I've tried being the perfect husband, do all the chores, give massages, tell her how good she looks and just generally build her up. But rarely did doing it all do anything for her. I'm in reasonably good shape, I've lost my hair but I don't look bad.

Fast-forward to December last year and we had our first child (now almost 7 months). We haven't had sex since well before the birth (September). Again I've raised this as an issue for me, but this time she just doesn't have an answer. Sex isn't something she's wanting. 

If it was just the birth I could excuse it by hormones. I know breastfeeding can mess with a woman's libido. But given our history I can't help but think there's more. 


Right now it feels like I'm at breaking point sexually. I find myself looking at porn more and more. I find myself browsing escort sites imaging what it would be like to just experience sex again with people that would at least fake it for an hour. I can't tell my wife this. And I don't want to pressure her into meeting my needs just because. But I'm afraid that if things don't improve I'll do something I'll regret for the rest of my life.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Jsmith8888g said:


> I'm afraid that if things don't improve I'll do something I'll regret for the rest of my life.


No, you won't. It doesn't matter one iota what your wife does (or doesn't do), it is not an excuse to cheat and she can't "make you" do it. There are other options you could choose, none of which involve infidelity.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Not sure why you chose the thread title since things have always been this way. Now, if she does have (or you suspect she has) PPD then you should encourage her to talk to a doctor. 

Things have always been this way in your relationship, so chances are it will never change. But have you considered marriage and/or sex therapy?


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## Jsmith8888g (Jun 26, 2020)

bobert said:


> Not sure why you chose the thread title since things have always been this way. Now, if she does have (or you suspect she has) PPD then you should encourage her to talk to a doctor.
> 
> Things have always been this way in your relationship, so chances are it will never change. But have you considered marriage and/or sex therapy?


It's a good point. Writing it down in the post I realise this isn't a new issue. But before it felt like there was something I could do to get it back. This time feels different, feels almost hopeless.

I raised whether she should see a doctor or if we need therapy. She dismissed both and sees this only as an issue while she's breastfeeding.


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## Jsmith8888g (Jun 26, 2020)

bobert said:


> No, you won't. It doesn't matter one iota what your wife does (or doesn't do), it is not an excuse to cheat and she can't "make you" do it. There are other options you could choose, none of which involve infidelity.


Don't worry I am not looking to cheat. I love my wife and I don't want to ever do anything to disrespect our marriage. I just feel lonely and my frustration is borne out of whether this is what I've signed up for. 

I suppose my question to people here is what should my goal be? 

A) change my expectations short term and wait it out hope it gets better. 

B) Convince my wife this is more of an issue than she sees it as and get her to see a doctor or councillor

C) something else? Suggestions welcome


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Jsmith8888g said:


> It's a good point. Writing it down in the post I realise this isn't a new issue. But before it felt like there was something I could do to get it back. This time feels different, feels almost hopeless.
> 
> I raised whether she should see a doctor or if we need therapy. She dismissed both and sees this only as an issue while she's breastfeeding.


So, instead of bringing it up that way I would try making it more about you than her. You don't want to make her feel defensive or attacked, because nothing gets resolved that way.

I'd bring it up as if you are concerned for her and that it would make YOU feel better if you could both go talk to someone. That way, it's more about you than her and something you're asking her to do to ease your own worries. "Wife, I know that you don't think there is a problem. I can't stop worrying about it (make it PPD related, not sex) and I would feel a lot better if we could go talk to someone. Can we please make an appointment?"

You can also use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. "I feel *_* when you..." compared to "You always... You never..." etc. Big difference there.

That being said, this issue has always been around so it's most likely not related to PPD, at least not entirely.

Of your 3 options you listed, only B and C are options. If B doesn't work, then you're into option C which unfortunately is most likely divorce.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Jsmith8888g said:


> I suppose my question to people here is what should my goal be?
> 
> A) change my expectations short term and wait it out hope it gets better.
> 
> ...


Have you had a discussion about family planning, and if so how dependable are your solutions? She could be really concerned out about the idea of getting pregnant with another child if things right now are too stressful. Don't underestimate that!

After the first child in my marriage, I focused on work and did not lift a finger to help take care of the baby. It wasn't until our second child that I shared that 50/50 and realized what my wife had been through. Sharing that with her helped things get better. 

One suggestion would be to try and find a way to give your wife some personal space. Find a way to get yourself and the baby out of the house so that she can just have some alone time for a whole day. Ask her to reflect on things and help come up with some ideas to help the two of you reconnect with one another. Tell her you want the marriage to be loving and that if things get challenging that you just need her to help you improve it with teamwork as opposed to her withdrawing from you intimately. Suggest that you working to give her some personal space and alone time might help in the event she is overwhelmed with the baby. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Jsmith8888g said:


> My wife have been married for 2 years together for 7. Like most relationships, when our relationship started we were having sex all the time. But as time passed things went downhill. We had dry spells of months at a time at one point a couple of years in. The rest of our relationship had been really good but this was a problem for me, so I raised it. It turned out she wasn't happy with the effort I put in around the house (chores etc) and that meant she couldn't get in the mood. Long story short I put more effort in and things improved quickly... For a while.
> 
> Now other issues are,
> 1. She never initiates, like literally not once in our relationship. I've told her how sexy it would be for her to, 7 years and not once.
> ...


this is counselling territory. Part of it will also be learning to communicate better. Discuss possibilities. What will it take for her to be more active and willingly so? what are the options if she is incapable (as opposed to unwilling)? But do this with a third party that has no vested interest in either of you.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Jsmith8888g said:


> Don't worry I am not looking to cheat. I love my wife and I don't want to ever do anything to disrespect our marriage. I just feel lonely and my frustration is borne out of whether this is what I've signed up for.
> 
> I suppose my question to people here is what should my goal be?
> 
> ...


Go with a variation of B. Suggest the counselling, but also crouch it in terms of it will help you see if this is actually an issue, or if you are making too much of it, and you need specific counselling (which is a possibility). But the two of you need to go together initially, because the counselor needs both inputs and views to help determine such.


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## Jsmith8888g (Jun 26, 2020)

Thank you these responses have been really useful. 

The other part of this I should have mentioned in my original post is our living situation in covid. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment. At the moment I work from home every day, she hasn't been able to get out and enjoy her maternity leave as she would have liked. Her mum is also living with us at the moment as then the borders to our country closed she got stuck here. At this point there's no telling when she may leave. All in all we are basically living on top of each other. 

The suggestions of getting out and taking the baby to give her some time away I think would be really good for her. I'd tried to encourage her to get out during the day and I've treated her to things she used to enjoy to try and get her to go out more. But I guess there's a difference to an hour of peace vs. a day.


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## Jsmith8888g (Jun 26, 2020)

badsanta said:


> Have you had a discussion about family planning, and if so how dependable are your solutions? She could be really concerned out about the idea of getting pregnant with another child if things right now are too stressful. Don't underestimate that!
> 
> After the first child in my marriage, I focused on work and did not lift a finger to help take care of the baby. It wasn't until our second child that I shared that 50/50 and realized what my wife had been through. Sharing that with her helped things get better.
> 
> ...


UK

It is something we have talked about. Originally we wanted 2 kids, but our first has been a terror when it comes to sleeping (waking every hour at night). I don't think she's abstaining to avoid another pregnancy but it's possible. 

I guess there may be alot going on in her head. Shes approaching an age where having another baby carries additional risks to both her and the baby.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Your doing the dance called: Watch me jump through all the hoops she creates to earn sex. It NEVER works. It is a terrible precedent to set in your marriage. She will only add more hoops. Her sexual nature decreased very quickly when dating.... it’s just who she is.


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## Mylehigh (Jul 8, 2019)

This ^^

Cut and run now. Before you cheat and then lose your share of custody. Your words are pretty clear - you will be cheating before long. Read your words. Don’t try to appease the holier than thou crowd on here by saying you never will.

Counseling is not going to help. She’s shown you how selfish she is and how unconcerned with your happiness she is. Her needs are met. Too bad for you. 

I’ve jumped through the hoops far too long and the change I’ve sought is only a passing mirage when I think I see it. She will not change for you. She will only become more of who she is as she ages. We all do that.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ok so sex was a problem one that you are willing to cheat or divorce over and then you decided to have a baby?

And yes going to escort sites is cheating. Don't believe me ask you wife. 
Babies never improve sex.
At 7 months it is time to get back to it. You need to be honest with her. Have you told her you feel unloved? 

She may also be very reluctant with mom in the house who might 'hear'. And if the baby is up every hour still at 7 months then she is sleep deprived and exhausted. Does she pump so that she can sleep some and someone else feed the baby?

Also maybe time to get the kid on cereal. Most kids sleep much better after starting cereal.
Some of this is most likely real issues for her. Some of it maybe some resentment or something else holding her back. How often do you initiate?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Jsmith8888g said:


> Thank you these responses have been really useful.
> 
> The other part of this I should have mentioned in my original post is our living situation in covid. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment. At the moment I work from home every day, she hasn't been able to get out and enjoy her maternity leave as she would have liked. Her mum is also living with us at the moment as then the borders to our country closed she got stuck here. At this point there's no telling when she may leave. All in all we are basically living on top of each other.
> 
> The suggestions of getting out and taking the baby to give her some time away I think would be really good for her. I'd tried to encourage her to get out during the day and I've treated her to things she used to enjoy to try and get her to go out more. But I guess there's a difference to an hour of peace vs. a day.





Jsmith8888g said:


> UK
> 
> It is something we have talked about. Originally we wanted 2 kids, but our first has been a terror when it comes to sleeping (waking every hour at night). I don't think she's abstaining to avoid another pregnancy but it's possible.
> 
> I guess there may be alot going on in her head. Shes approaching an age where having another baby carries additional risks to both her and the baby.


These are major factors. As noted mom being present can have an impact, as well as the not sleeping well baby. Make sure you talk to a doctor about the child. Aside from confirming that it may be ready for cereal in the bottle, they might find if there is something wrong. By 7 months, most babies, but not all, are sleeping through the night.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

bobert said:


> No, you won't. It doesn't matter one iota what your wife does (or doesn't do), it is not an excuse to cheat and she can't "make you" do it. There are other options you could choose, none of which involve infidelity.


I would like to know what "other options" there are to have your sexual needs met with a partner that has no interest in meeting them, that don't involve infidelity...?
I'm NOT being snarky or difficult, I really want to know what you are thinking of as options...because I can't think of ANY, besides divorce...


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

maquiscat said:


> it may be ready for cereal in the bottle


Do not do that. It can be incredibly dangerous and can lead to other problems.

"Most babies are sleeping through the night by 7 months" is a load of crap. Some babies are, plenty are not and there is nothing wrong with them. Parents can have a lot of anxiety or worry with all this "something is wrong with them or you're doing something wrong" crap because of the cultural pressure to "sleep through the night". Waking through the night is biologically normal.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

What are her symptoms that suggest she is depressed? Has she been depressed before — with or without a diagnoses from a professional? 

Is she on any medications?

How much uninterrupted sleep does she get at a time?


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Jsmith8888g said:


> UK
> 
> It is something we have talked about. Originally we wanted 2 kids, but our first has been a terror when it comes to sleeping (waking every hour at night). I don't think she's abstaining to avoid another pregnancy but it's possible.
> 
> I guess there may be alot going on in her head. Shes approaching an age where having another baby carries additional risks to both her and the baby.


My first child was a terror at night as well. I was breastfeeding exclusively and at 10 months of age he was still waking up every 2 hours to nurse! I felt so tired! My husband told me I had to let him cry to sleep but I felt so guilty I thought I couldn't do it, until one night I finally let him cry himself to sleep. Surprisingly, it took him less than 30 minutes of crying and whining to fall asleep. He woke up a few times during the night, cried a little bit and went back to sleep on his own. The second night it took about 15 minutes for him to fall asleep and I don't remember him waking up in the middle of the night. After the third night, he felt asleep on his own without crying and he's been the best sleeper since then! A hurricane can pass and he won't wake up. I did the same thing with my second child after 6 months and she is a good sleeper too. 

After our children finally slept on their own and we got into a routine, we got more time for ourselves. We had some dry spells too but they didn't last months. Maybe your wife was having some depression issues before getting pregnant and the changes in hormones is making it worse? I don't know. 

If she doesn't have an answer to her own body changes, then something is going on. She might need to see a doctor and talk about her low libido. Before getting pregnant, when was the last time she got blood work done? 

Ask her if she still finds you attractive? When did she stop caring about sex? Is it something you did? The chores excuse is kind of lame. 

Ask more questions to find out what is going on.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

bobert said:


> Do not do that. It can be incredibly dangerous and can lead to other problems.
> 
> "Most babies are sleeping through the night by 7 months" is a load of crap. Some babies are, plenty are not and there is nothing wrong with them. Parents can have a lot of anxiety or worry with all this "something is wrong with them or you're doing something wrong" crap because of the cultural pressure to "sleep through the night". Waking through the night is biologically normal.


There is a reason I said check with the doctor first. He or she will know for sure. As for sleeping through the night, maybe I was lucky. Mine all were by that point and I raised 5, and I think only 1 of 4 (but soon to be 5) grandkids did not. I won't speak for the grandkids, but we did nothing special to try to get them to sleep through the night. And there were always occasional wakings. My only point there, is double check with a doctor if a child is not meeting a milestone. While it is possible, even likely, that they are just on that side of the curve, there may also be a problem. Personally I'd rather be sure there isn't one than think things are good when they are not.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

LisaDiane said:


> I would like to know what "other options" there are to have your sexual needs met with a partner that has no interest in meeting them, that don't involve infidelity...?
> I'm NOT being snarky or difficult, I really want to know what you are thinking of as options...because I can't think of ANY, besides divorce...


Divorce is one of those options. It is a far better option than cheating. If someone isn't happy in the marriage then they should end it, not cheat, which most of the time just causes more destruction on the way to an inevitable divorce anyway. So might as well save all that mess, avoid being a crappy person, and just leave. 

For other options... 

Quite often people cheat because they are unhappy, etc. but they haven't even had a real, open, honest conversation with their spouse. They may have "hinted" at it or brought it up "here and there", but they need to really get vulnerable with their spouse and lay it all out on the table - both their feelings and the seriousness of it. 

Marriage counseling/sex therapy is another option. I understand that you cannot force a spouse to go or participate if they do go, but quite often that option isn't even tried or brought up. If it is brought up, it's like the above. 

In _some_ situations, the spouse considering cheating needs to put more effort into the marriage. And not for a few weeks and expecting everything to change. If nothing else, at least they will know that they tried. 

In _some _situations, if someone is just horny and their spouse can't keep up with their sex drive, well, most people have one or two functioning hands. Yeah, yeah it's not the same as sex but sometimes it is enough (I know some people are after the physical intimacy more than getting off). 

There is a minority of couples who come up with "other arrangements" for an open marriage. It works for some couples, so to each their own there. 

For some people, they choose to separate to figure things out and agree to see other people. Personally, I don't recommend sleeping with someone else while separated in most circumstances. That has the possibility to lead to more issues if the couple decides to stay together. Still a better option than cheating though. 

If all else fails... divorce. 

After my oldest child was born, we didn't even kiss let alone have sex for two years. The reasons for that were fixable, even though I didn't see that at the time, and yeah I played with a fire a little bit.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Don't put the cereal in the bottle. Cereal is fed by itself usually followed by a bottle. Cereal doesn't create sleep through the night but usually give 4 to 6 hours because they don't get hungry so fast. Cereal takes longer to digest than breast milk.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Jsmith8888g said:


> Don't worry I am not looking to cheat. I love my wife and I don't want to ever do anything to disrespect our marriage. I just feel lonely and my frustration is borne out of whether this is what I've signed up for.
> 
> I suppose my question to people here is what should my goal be?
> 
> ...


So, the reason you could get the sex back before is that without a kid you had much more time to get the responsibilities of life handled, power down, rest, set the mood, etc. Now that you have a child, that free time just dosen't exist. Things are not going to just "fall into place" unless you both have high libidos, which does not seem to be the case.

Your goal needs to be to get her (1) more intentional about your sex life and (2) to acknowledge that how she feels about something is not the last word. Initiate a discussion with noting that as parents to a baby, you are much busier than you have been and need to be more intentional about meeting each others needs. Note that the best way to raise a child is in a strong relationship, and you can't have a strong relationship where your needs are being ignored for months at a time. Yes the implication is that without sex, the relationship will suffer and that will impact your wife too. Sounds harsh, but that is the truth, right?

You need to understand that things don't get easier WRT raising a child. Pretty soon your infant will be a toddler tearing around the house, then a school aged child with friends and activities, then a teen, and so on. There is not a time when things will settle down and time will just magically reappear in your schedule. *You need to set some boundaries now and establish the relationship needs as a priority or it simply will not get better.*

Also, no more kids until you fix this.


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## Jsmith8888g (Jun 26, 2020)

Hi all, thanks for add the additional comments/questions. I'll try and cover them all here. 

With the baby:

He's been on solids for a couple of months now. No improvement to sleeping.
I tried to take him to a sleep consultant. The wife didn't want to initially and now we are (booked in for 2 weeks time)
The wife will not let us try any method of crying it out. She struggled to not just run into the room and placate him the moment he cries out at all.
With the wife:

I don't think my wife has full on depression, but it's definitely had an impact on her. She has filled out surveys when seeing doctors but to me only is willing to put down her best rather than her worst.
Our marriage:

If I had realised sex was off the cards before I proposed or before the wedding I would have called it off. As I tried to alude to in my earlier post, I had raised it and worked on it until it didn't become an issue any more. Sex was never as regular as I'd have hoped, but once a week or so was a middle ground I was happy with.
I agree with the notion that once you decide to cheat you should call it a day. I don't know about you but there are plenty of minor things in my life I regret and still think about today. If I was to cheat, regardless of whether it came up, I would never forgive myself. It would eat away until I wouldn't be able to look my wife in the eye ever again.
I've raised the attraction point with her. I'm a little self conscious as I went bald a couple of years back. Her response it's never been about the looks for me, it's about everything else, it's about all you do and about how we work. I actually think I look quite good bald.

My thoughts now:

One of the points above was about now we don't have the time now to get everything else in order for her to be able to let go and express herself sexually. I think this is hitting the nail on the head. And I completely agree this won't get easier over time.
I think generally she does have low libido, for whatever reason she maybe "pushed" herself to do more early in the relationship. But now she's relaxing and letting her true self come through.
There are temporary barriers right now to sex: the lack of sleep, the mother, etc. But as above there are so many longer term issues it's not just a wait and see here.
Don't worry there's no baby number 2 until I am confident that I'll be happy in this relationship long term. Same goes for a house (which we also wanted to start looking for soon).


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## Jsmith8888g (Jun 26, 2020)

Reread the last few posts and missed a few questions. 

I initiate every couple of days. I tried waiting a week, weeks, a month too but no difference. 

I agree I need to get her to see that sex is not about both of us being 100% in the mood at the same time to do it. Rather it needs to be about us both putting whatever other **** is going on in our lives on hold and allowing us to let go for a period. I think if I can get her to see this it would fix a lot of other stuff. But it's a big IF and something she would need to continually work on knowing who she is. 

Lastly, I don't view browsing escort sites as cheating, I view it as porn. Fantasy pure and simple. Acting on it is a different matter though.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Jsmith8888g said:


> If I had realised sex was off the cards before I proposed or before the wedding I would have called it off. As I tried to alude to in my earlier post, I had raised it and worked on it until it didn't become an issue any more. Sex was never as regular as I'd have hoped, but once a week or so was a middle ground I was happy with.


Very few women see sex like a man, so sex is not what they’re looking for primarily. I’ve yet to find a woman so excited to be able to get as much sex as she wants wants now that she’s married. Now I have met a lot of women that were excited to drop the facade and be who they really are once they had a ring on their finger. Many are much more excited about the lifestyle upgrades they have access to so they can compete against their friends especially if their new husband is well off. If she was well off before they got married then it’s more about companionship but still not sex. Nearly all want safety, companionship, family. No woman in her right mind wants to be eliminated from the marriage pool for low sex drive or be sex-negative/neutral. And yes, a lot women do give “audition sex” and perform sex acts they are not comfortable with lest they lose this “great guy.” And guys do a lot of romantic stuff and then quit. Women realize there is competition for good guys so they roll out all the stops.



Jsmith8888g said:


> I've raised the attraction point with her. I'm a little self conscious as I went bald a couple of years back. Her response it's never been about the looks for me, it's about everything else, it's about all you do and about how we work. I actually think I look quite good bald.


Initially, women subconsciously screen for genetics but once they see you’re gonna be a good provider and they get the kids they really want, they don’t care unless you get unhealthy or she feels embarrassed about you in front of her friends. Women still compare themselves against other women and don’t want to be judged by having an overweight slug for a husband. Nor do they want a lazy, terrible provider.



Jsmith8888g said:


> My thoughts now:
> 
> One of the points above was about now we don't have the time now to get everything else in order for her to be able to let go and express herself sexually. I think this is hitting the nail on the head. And I completely agree this won't get easier over time.
> I think generally she does have low libido, for whatever reason she maybe "pushed" herself to do more early in the relationship. But now she's relaxing and letting her true self come through.
> There are temporary barriers right now to sex: the lack of sleep, the mother, etc. But as above there are so many longer term issues it's not just a wait and see here.


Women download a number of “software updates” throughout their lives. First one is the dating update, marriage update, kids update, empty nest update, menopause update and the grandma update. Whenever these events occur, you have to drop having any expectations based on the previous phase. Sorta like every time a new version of Windows comes out. Similar feel but noticeably different... some features you like stay and some are gone. The trend is sex is usually there but is not as important as testosterone drops and self image deteriorates. Sure you get frustrated but not enough to drop it an switch to a Mac.

It’s taken years to get back to where we were pre-kids but menopause is on the horizon. The other thing I found is that kids will trigger stuff in either you or your partners past. If it’s sexual-related, that’s gonna a require buy-in and professional help. In my case, my wife has hundreds more triggers to turn her off than turn her on.

Last thing I’ll say is women are attracted to confident men and awesome dads. Show insecurity or be a loser dad and it’s game over. Also read Married in Captivity by Ester Perel. Doing chores well doesn’t turn a women on, not doing chores turns them off.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Jsmith8888g said:


> Our marriage:
> 
> If I had realised sex was off the cards before I proposed or before the wedding I would have called it off. As I tried to alude to in my earlier post, I had raised it and worked on it until it didn't become an issue any more. Sex was never as regular as I'd have hoped, but once a week or so was a middle ground I was happy with.




So, have you told her this? I mean, have you sat her down and said "wife, out intimate life is so bad that if I known it would be this way, I would never have married and started a family with you"?

Clearly, you are super unhappy with the sex life. IMO she needs to know. Assuming you're a decent husband and dad, hearing the depths of your unhappiness should spur her to try harder. On the other hand, if she can hear this from you and still not really care to improve your experience, then you need to consider getting out vs. living the rest of your marriage this way.

The truth is that marriage and motherhood change some women. Some women do use sex as a way to land a good man, because they know that ladies who don't provide in that regard won't have many good choices in partners. Some wives reject the idea that sex is essential in marriage and thus get offended that your "ranking" of them (for lack of a better term) depends on how good the sex is.

Given how unhappy you are, you need to insist that the sex issue start getting resolved ASAP. You need to own your needs as appropriate and reasonable and not let her throw you off if she objects to your insistence at getting this fixed. She could say you're a pig for insisting on sex, you should be subordinating your needs to hers, etc. You need to be resolute and say that your wants and needs are as important as hers, there is time to meet your needs as well her own and those of the family if she prioritizes her time and effort, and that not doing so threatens the marriage.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

You can “negotiate” intercourse but not desire 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Jsmith8888g (Jun 26, 2020)

DTO said:


> So, have you told her this? I mean, have you sat her down and said "wife, out intimate life is so bad that if I known it would be this way, I would never have married and started a family with you"?
> 
> Clearly, you are super unhappy with the sex life. IMO she needs to know. Assuming you're a decent husband and dad, hearing the depths of your unhappiness should spur her to try harder. On the other hand, if she can hear this from you and still not really care to improve your experience, then you need to consider getting out vs. living the rest of your marriage this way.
> 
> ...


I've sat her down and told her I'm unhappy with where we are. I told her I am missing the intimacy in our relationship. I did not use the word sex as I did not want to pressure but maybe now is not the time for subtlety. 

After this chat I can see she's made an effort to spend more time 1on1 with me. Just not in a sexual way. 

I have been reading about love languages and it's very clear to me that mine are physical and words of affirmation. Both I don't feel I get as much as I'd like. The latter i get as a response to me saying to her but as with the initiation of sex, rarely unprompted from her. 
If I was to guess hers I would say she's high on acts of service and quality time. Both of which I reckon she's been getting and I hope she's fulfilled with. This could be why she's just unaware of how I need love. Thoughts?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Jsmith8888g said:


> Thoughts?


There is one huge sexual landmine you have just laying around the house that she very likely has stepped on without you knowing... and that is that you view escort ads (just as a mild form of porn). Odds are your wife has somehow stumbled upon this and knows you have been looking at escort ads. She is probably terrified to discuss it with you out of fear that you have actually been going to escorts. Even if you tell her that you just use it as porn, OMG that seems like a lie. 

Imagine this.... Your wife calls her female friends to confide in them that she somehow discovered you have been searching for escorts. What exactly would a friend advise her?

Here are some ways you can get caught with that:

Even if you delete your browsing history, most search engines retain a search history. You click in the search field and down pops an autofill list of all your recent searches (on most engines). Sometimes these searches are retained by your OS to help you autofill something when you type something similar as a suggestion. 
The amount of personal data your mobile devices can collect about you is ridiculous for targeting ads. This is then used to serve ads to your IP address (home internet location). Talk about blue curtains and everyone in the house will see an ad for blue curtains. Odds are your wife has been targeted with ads for local escorts whenever she uses the internet, even if she is on a different device. 

You should proactively address that with her!

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Jsmith8888g (Jun 26, 2020)

badsanta said:


> There is one huge sexual landmine you have just laying around the house that she very likely has stepped on without you knowing... and that is that you view escort ads (just as a mild form of porn). Odds are your wife has somehow stumbled upon this and knows you have been looking at escort ads. She is probably terrified to discuss it with you out of fear that you have actually been going to escorts. Even if you tell her that you just use it as porn, OMG that seems like a lie.
> 
> Imagine this.... Your wife calls her female friends to confide in them that she somehow discovered you have been searching for escorts. What exactly would a friend advise her?
> 
> ...


All good points. It's something 
I'd only done a couple of times but something that most definitely isn't healthy for me or our relationship. Cheating or not I'll cut it out.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Stay away from porn young man- it’s bad news. It could likely wreck your marriage.

Babies grow up quickly but it’s pretty imperative that your marriage is strong. Work through it and probably expect lackluster “relations” until your wife is feeling better and sleeping. All dads go through this. Stay true... she’s sacrificing her own body to give you a child... hang tough and be patient. Your reunion with her when she’s feeling better will be even more joyous. My wife and I been through this a lot. It doesn’t last forever.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

one of the great ironies of the cosmos is Mother Nature makes us all horny and brings us together through sexuality so we breed and perpetuate the species; but the first thing Baby does on arrival is destroy the couple's sex life.


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## Cup of Tea (Apr 15, 2020)

How was the delivery? If she had a deep episiotomy, long labor, or a hard recovery, she might have a bit of ptsd on top of postpartum depression. She at least needs to start the conversation with her ob/gyn to check her hormones, or switch contraception if she is on any. She might jist be terrified of getting pregnant again.
.
I speak from experience on this. I had a class 4 cut with no anesthesia and it really messed with my head. The first month out was absolute agony, but got better after as the weeks went on. I got fixed the next year, but to this day cannot think about delivery too much without having phantom pains in my bottom, even 7 years later.
.
I wish you two the best. Be kind to her, especially if her delivery was anything like mine.


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