# Youngish Wife and new mom in a sexless marriage! Help?



## MrsMac (Apr 14, 2013)

Ok so I'm new here. I'm in my early 30s. Been married to my husband for almost 2 years now, been together close to 10. We have a 6 month old beautiful little boy. I currently stay at home and am planning to do so for as long as we can financially stand it. Financially we are ok. I've definitely never been a bread winner. I have a degree but have never had a truly successful career, but I luckily have had some family income. This income is unfortunately dwindling tho (damn market). My husband on the other hand has been very successful and is an extremely hard work professional. We have a beautiful home in one of the best neighborhoods. 

We've been together almost 10 years, at the begging we had lots of sex. But we broke up a couple of times and always at the begging the sex would be amazing and plentiful but would soon fade. We don't argue a lot or anything like that. he's truly my best friend and i his. I love him so much it actually hurts my chest to think about my fears. 

So more about me.... i think i am attractive. Im tall, lean (5,8" 129 and that is 6 month post partum, i still could stand to lose 5 lbs to get to pre-pregnancy weight) pretty face, been told i don't need too much makeup, I'm educated, some say smart and funny, and not a huge complainer, very laid back, not the neatest but not a slob, probably watch a lil to much tv, love to cook, love love and adore my baby but I'm not obsessed either. Wanted my kids to be a product of a healthy marriage (I'm sad it's not working out that way). Just want to give folks a feel for me so i can get the best advice. 
i do not think i ask for much regarding my marriage. i do not think i nag to much and my biggest complaint is SEX. I do complain that he never brings me flowers or ever plans date nights and romantic things like that but hell... I'm a woman. Sometime he annoys me because i think he talks to me like I'm a child but hell sometimes i probably act like one. Im very ADD and very clumsy and forgetful. 

So, back to the nitty gritty. I'm mostly happy. I have amazing friends, an amazing family... Beautiful baby. BUT... Only sexual contact I get other than a kiss good buy in the morning and good night at night is about once a month... If that!!!!!! No real foreplay, I haven't received oral sex since we have been married and really can't remember last he did. I've given a few times. But he doesn't seem to be really interested all that much. Never asks for it. I initiate sex sometimes but get turned down. He's always tired or not in the mood. I have a pretty high sex drive. Wouldn't mind it every day, wouldn't mind it a couple times a day. But am ok with much less but 12 times a year is starting to wear on me. And here's the kicker. I think (he denies) he masterbates, no one should take that long to poop every single day. Not saying he does it everyday but I've seen porn (nothing against porn, I like it myself) on his phone once. (I'd love the time to masterbate but hey I've got a baby on my hip most the day when he's at work) And i do not think he's having an affair. he goes from home straight to work and then home everyday and we are rarely apart. 

So back to issues... I've brought all this up. I've tried to ask for counciling... He refuses. I've told him I'm scared about the success of our marriage without intimacy. He says our marriage is fine and he's happy. Communication is obviously another issue we have. I've told him I'm not happy at times, all due to the lack of intimacy and communication. I just want to feel sexy and loved... And not like my love for my child or my BFF husband. I want to be ravaged and needed!!!! 

I've tried talking to him and he sometimes agrees but nothing nothing changes. I need help. It's starting to wear me down. I've asked him if he's no longer attracted to me and he says he is but then says... Well if you think I'm no longer attracted to you, what have you done about it? Ugh seriously. That last 5 lbs is a deal breaker? And this has been going on even before I had 5 lbs to lose and well before baby. So what, plastics? Already have fake breast. I could probably tighten up some in the working out department but hey he's got an extra 10+ he needs to lose as well. Don't really want to change anything else. 

Then I've researched low T. We do have an appointment with our dr in a week. But I'm terrified his levels are normal. He doesn't think his are low but his symptoms line up. He's a damn grouch too. Not the most pleasant person to be around at times. What's his excuse then? How do we fix this then? He does say I don't understand how stressed he is at work. And he's right I probably don't but he also doesn't get how difficult it is to have a baby either. I've given up a lot. We don't hardly get out much without baby and when I do plan things he gripes the whole time like it inconvenient or he's too busy. And yes he is a very very busy guy but should I really just suck all these feelings up for the rest of my life. 

Is this it? Will it really get better with time? Or what if it gets worse????? I don't think I'm asking for much... I really just want to feel like a woman again. I always thought men needed sex. How did I end up bring the one who nags about SEX?


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## MrsMac (Apr 14, 2013)

I will say that when we do have sex... It's amazing. Even mind blowing at times. I guess my insomnia is getting best of me this early am.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

While you're up and bored, maybe break up your post into paragraphs to make it easier to read? You'll get more replies that way... 

As far as your issue goes... I doubt it's the last 5 or 10 pounds that is bothering your husband. If it is, he's exceptionally shallow. Something else is wrong.

You mention that when you would break up, then things would get better for awhile when you got back together... For how long? Out of your 10 year relationship, how much of it would you say was a "healthy" sex life? Why did you break up repeatedly?

What about implementing a weekly "date night"? Arrange for babysitters, put away the cell phones, turn off the TV... Go out for dinner, a comedy club, mini-golfing. 

Sorry about your situation... I left a similar marriage, except it was after 17 years, and two kids. Lack of sex wasn't the only issue, but it was way up there on the list. Most important though was my stbxw's refusal to attempt to work on any of the issues. She wouldn't tell me (couldn't?) why she wasn't interested in sex, wouldn't see her doctor to look for alternatives to her BC pills, wouldn't try to lose weight even though she thought some of her issues were self-image related... Eventually, I decided that nothing was going to change, so it was up to me to either accept things the way they were or leave. 

Good luck. I really hope you two can work things out better than I did. 

C


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## MrsMac (Apr 14, 2013)

PBear said:


> While you're up and bored, maybe break up your post into paragraphs to make it easier to read? You'll get more replies that way...
> 
> As far as your issue goes... I doubt it's the last 5 or 10 pounds that is bothering your husband. If it is, he's exceptionally shallow. Something else is wrong.
> 
> ...



Thanks for the advice. 

as far as our relationship before marriage. We were young and broke up for timing issues and selfishness on my part. I was young and wanted to go out and party the first time. he was ready to get married. Then we got back together and i wanted to get married but he didn't and vice versa. Marriage used to be our only fights. Now that we are married we really rarely fight. We bicker but not really fight. I complain about sex and needing attention but he really never fights with me about anything. He gets angry because I'm so forgetful and ADD. But it's never a big deal, he just *****es then drops it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How old is your husband? How many hours a week does he work? Does he do any physical activity (like working out)? How much overweight is he?

C


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You definitely need to get his testosterone levels checked and not in the morning as that's when they are highest.

He's completely ignoring your needs and you are a very low priority. 
He needs a wake up call and I'm afraid you have to be prepared to lose him to get your marriage back on track. Let him know that Counseling is a must, getting medical help and testosterone injections is a must if he has low levels. Spending time together and him putting an effort in in is also a must. All of that has to happen if you are to stay together.

He is risking your marriage and you deserve to be loved appreciated and desired. 

Good luck.


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## thelonelywife (Apr 13, 2013)

Just chiming in to say I'm sorry, and you are not alone. I, too, am in my very early 30's, stay home with the kids, and am rejected constantly by my husband. I, like you, can't help but wonder where I went wrong. Aren't men supposed to be the ones always asking for it? How did I wind up with a (wonderful) man who has ZERO interest in sex. It's really wearing on me. 

Have you stopped trying to look good for him now that you stay home? Maybe that's what he means? Are you a sweatpants and pony tails girl now


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

This story sounds so familiar. Your circumstances are pretty much identical to what mine were 10 years ago (I'm 43) except for one notable point: I was the one who lost sexual desire and it was my husband who was miserable. 

Becoming a parent is life changing, and much of the focus in our society is on how it changes life for a woman. There isn't much out there discussing issues new dads have, but there is some research that shows that MEN can get postpartum depression, too. I'm not saying this is what your husband is suffering, but to suggest that looking into how your husband is reacting to becoming a new father might shed some light on the issue of his lost libido. 

My husband and I were talking about this very issue last night as we try to unravel the reasons that my libido went missing for 10 years after starting a family. He described in great detail a profound and very sobering realization that he felt upon becoming a father: that, as sole breadwinner, the stakes were higher to provide and provide well for a family that relied totally on him for financial well being. He said it was hard to describe the shift that he felt going to work in those first days after holding our first child for the first time: it was stressful, it was pressure, he felt that any slack he had to "mess up" in his career was gone. There was no more safety cushion, there was no more wiggle room for luxury in saving money and spending money and planning for the future. 

After we had kids (the first two in a year and a half, the third six years later . . . whoops) our marriage spiraled very slowly down hill because we blamed every little problem we were having on lack of sleep, on the other person not working hard enough, on not having enough time to ourselves, etc. 

We never recognized that our marriage was like a "child," too, in that it needed to be nurtured and cared for and treated if it was sick. It went on the back burner; we just thought that was the way it had to be. 

I urge you to talk to your husband about how he is feeling about fatherhood. Maybe he feels like he's lost control over a part of his life that formally he alone dictated (i.e. the trajectory of his career, how much and how hard he must work, etc.) He might be making up for that loss by more strictly controlling sex. He might be feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope. He might be having issues with seeing your body as more that just sexual now that you've birthed a child. Perhaps look up "postpartum issues for men" and see what you learn. 

Becoming a parent is hard. I dated my husband for ten years. then we decided to get pregnant and get married (yes, in that order). So the "marriage" part of our relationship was never as emotionally fulfilling as the dating part because we ignored it so we could deal with lack of sleep and colicky babies and home ownership and his job stress. 

You won't be happy unless you can make him see what the lack of sex is doing to you emotionally. His understanding on this point is pivotal. It might require that you be a broken record for quite some time, but keep trying to express to him how you feel. Read about the problem and take to him what to learn. See if he's willing to be a partner in figuring this out. In the meantime, be very, very kind to yourself. Seek out others (family, friends, groups that interest you) for support and distraction. Focus on your health and your happiness with extra care because neglecting yourself AND your marriage will make things much, much worse. 

I'm glad you found this website. I found it a little more than a week ago and I wish I had known about it 10 years ago. Maybe you and your husband won't lose 10 years of your emotional lives to miscommunication and lack of understanding like we did.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You said he sees no problem in the lack of sex. Well that's a problem.
It is nothing to do with you. It is HIM? A lack of sex drive isn't resultant of working too much, and I'm not buying the stress as a factor. Lets hope it's his testosterone otherwise you have a big problem on your hands. If he T levels are normal, then he's lying about his sex drive. He's getting off, just not with you. maybe porn, maybe something else. I just don't buy a healthy male only wanting sex as infrequently as you describe. I don't buy that he doesn't show interest in going down on you during those few times he does have a sex drive. Something isn't right here...at all.
He pays no attention to you.
He puts no effort into spending time with you.
Is he affectionate? Will he cuddle with you on the couch and watch TV?


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> ...but there is some research that shows that MEN can get postpartum depression, too....He described in great detail a profound and very sobering realization that he felt upon becoming a father: that, as sole breadwinner, the stakes were higher to provide and provide well for a family that relied totally on him for financial well being. He said it was hard to describe the shift that he felt going to work in those first days after holding our first child for the first time: it was stressful, it was pressure, he felt that any slack he had to "mess up" in his career was gone. There was no more safety cushion, there was no more wiggle room for luxury in saving money and spending money and planning for the future....


:iagree:I agree, this could've been the reason I lost my libido for a year back then..I was so much into "papa" mode, and not much into "lover" mode anymore. Thanx God my wife kicked me back into reality, now I could find a balance in both modes.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Don't look at it like a sex problem.
Many wives have husbands who spend too much time with their buddies, don't help with the kids, drink too much, watch too much TV, waste money on cars.... 

The issue is that he does not want to meet your emotional needs in your marriage. Now, there are couple of reasons why a husband would refuse to meet his wife's emotional needs:

-- He is not getting his emotional needs met, so he does not want to reciprocate
-- He does not truly empathize with the pain and lack of fulfillment you feel inside your marriage
-- He is a selfish jerk in that he is getting his needs met by you, understands fully your lack of fulfillment in marriage, but doesn't care

Your job is to figure out which of these 3 things is your issue.
Just becuase you tell him you want more sex, does not automatically make him understand the lack of fulfillment and despair you are feeling (2 cases in point: You say you love him and everything is great EXCEPT this one thing so maybe he sees you as 95% happy, 5% unhappy and thinks he's doing great... Case in point #2, he does not feel marital fulfillment through sex, so cannot fully empathize with someone who does)...

good luck.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> A lack of sex drive isn't resultant of working too much, and I'm not buying the stress as a factor.


I will have to disagree with this. I have certainly had stress at work that led to me losing desire. Not for long (a week at most) but it was there. 

While I do think it is unlikely to be the only cause, it may be one part of the problem.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I will have to disagree with this. I have certainly had stress at work that led to me losing desire. Not for long (a week at most) but it was there.
> 
> While I do think it is unlikely to be the only cause, it may be one part of the problem.


true. My work is a very stressful high-responsibility job, and when I am on deadline, I cannot think of anything else but the job. :iagree:


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