# I believe an old friend is a WS



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I was beginning to plan a girls' trip to the area I used to live, so I looked up an old friend on FB to see if we could stay with her, since she and her husband have a MIL quarters in their house.

Surprise! She was no longer on my "friends" list. I just spoke with her on the phone a couple of months ago! I looked at her pictures, and she had one with her "fiance" who is an instructor of a sport she got involved with a couple of years ago.

The last I knew she was married to a great guy, and our friend! Her husband called my husband when he learned of his infidelity, and told him how much he had been hurt by his own parent's divorce. My husband said he appreciated the call, and that he cared about our family.

She had no pictures of her husband (a good friend of my husband and I) but had several pictures of her and her "fiance" with the caption, "We're getting married soon!"

I wonder how long she had been carrying on with the guy before she decided to blow up her marriage and her life.

I sent her a message, telling her that I noticed we were no longer friends, and asked if I had I said something to offend her the last time we spoke. She responded that I hadn't offended her, but that she is just not doing FB anymore. I wish she had just told me the truth, but cheaters lie....even to old friends.

I scrolled her FB again, and found a picture from 1 1/2 years ago that I and many mutual friends had "liked." None of our mutual friends are on her FB friends list anymore. She has dumped everyone for her new life. She probably knew that no one was going to support her choice to cheat. How do I know she cheated? I don't. I am just guessing. She was a struggling alcoholic, her husband was devoted, her new beau is her instructor, and she dumped all her friends. If her husband had cheated or been abusing her, she would have told someone, and we would have all supported her. She cheated.

I'm really sad that my friend has chosen infidelity, and has dumped all her old friends for her new life. I will miss her, and I find myself mourning the loss.

Adultery hurts more than the BS. I'm not sure if I wish her well, or if I wish it will blow up and she will realize how many people she has hurt, not even counting her husband and children.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

You don't know she cheated. You said so yourself. 

If you feel uncomfortable, stay at a hotel. 

BTW, everyone lies. Small lies, white lies, lie to themselves. Not just cheaters.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> If you feel uncomfortable, stay at a hotel.
> 
> BTW, everyone lies. Small lies, white lies, lie to themselves. Not just cheaters.


LOL, of course I won't be staying with her! But it would have been more fun to say with good friends.

I didn't say that _only_ cheaters lie. l meant that _all_ cheaters lie...it is part of the package.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Can you contact the ex husband and get the scoop?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

After I divorced, I removed all friends on FB that my ex wife also had. I also blocked her and her close friends/family. FB is lame.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

TX-SC said:


> Can you contact the ex husband and get the scoop?


My husband is going to call him one of these days.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

It just shows you that you never really know people and circumstances can take us down many different paths. For such a supposedly intelligent species, humanity is truly messed up and frai, i.e. sinful and depraved only in varying degrees, as the good book says 'we all fall short"


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Unless her husband cheated on her?

Or they just split up?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Unless her husband cheated on her?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Exactly. You have no idea what happened..speculation can get you into trouble. You never know what happens behind closed doors. On the outside the marriage looked perfect and on the inside it was falling apart. Some people are just really good actors. 


Sent from my iPhone


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

GuyInColorado said:


> After I divorced, I removed all friends on FB that my ex wife also had. I also blocked her and her close friends/family. FB is lame.


I unfriended all mine, but didn't block them. My ex actually confronted me about it soon afterward, and tried to guilt me about it ("You'll always be his uncle!" kind of crap) Five years later, I've seen my "nephews" and "in-laws" a total of about 5 times, usually at my daughter's birthday party. Yeah, I'm a real big part of their lives. LOL One of her closest friends (enablers) tried to add me back a few weeks ago, so I went ahead and blocked her.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I would make the same assumption as you. Hell, I assume that guys sitting alone in their cars in the parking lot outside of work who are texting madly on their phones are cheating. I assume when I see an older guy with a younger good looking girl he's cheating. I am horrible for doing it. 

Let us know when you find out if it's true or not. And if it is then I will be right there with you wishing that her new life blows up in her face.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> I would make the same assumption as you. Hell, I assume that guys sitting alone in their cars in the parking lot outside of work who are texting madly on their phones are cheating. I assume when I see an older guy with a younger good looking girl he's cheating. I am horrible for doing it.
> 
> Let us know when you find out if it's true or not. And if it is then I will be right there with you wishing that her new life blows up in her face.


The most upsetting part about it is that she is one of the few friends I told when my husband was still in the A. She was also there for me for the first year of R. She knew how destroyed I was, and was such a supportive friend during those days. Perhaps that is why she felt she had to unfriend me...she understands what she has done to her husband, and knows I would not support her in it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> You don't know she cheated. You said so yourself.
> 
> If you feel uncomfortable, stay at a hotel.
> 
> BTW, everyone lies. Small lies, white lies, lie to themselves. Not just cheaters.


She cheated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

If you are no longer friends it is no longer any of your business. 

You should only "find out" if she was a friend you wanted to help. Dont "find out" so you can gossip and post back here. 

And why would anyone take pleasure is someone's life blowing up? jeez.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> If you are no longer friends it is no longer any of your business.
> 
> You should only "find out" if she was a friend you wanted to help. Dont "find out" so you can gossip and post back here.
> 
> *And why would anyone take pleasure is someone's life blowing up? *jeez.


I still consider her my friend in my heart, even if the outward friendship is dead.

Evidently you don't understand, because you were on the other side. I like you blue, and I'm glad you decided to end your EA, but you are not empathetic to me as a BS and as a concerned friend who was dumped because of my friend's adultery. If her marriage blows up, and if I get a chance, I'll direct her to TAM, and be honest with her. That is what friends do. 

If her marriage failed due to adultery on her part, I hope her affair marriage fails and she goes back to her husband and children. I hope it fails very quickly before more damage is done.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Marriage is life long sentence of misery for 80%. Just be thankful she's happy now. She probably was in a sexless marriage for the last 10 years. Or one of them was cheating, and the BS was strong enough to end the marriage. Find out and let us know!


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Seek out your friend and offer the help you deem inappropriate. 

BTW, my wife too says I lack empathy. If I had more I would not need to be here. Thanks for the reminder so I can improve.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

GuyInColorado said:


> After I divorced, I removed all friends on FB that my ex wife also had. I also blocked her and her close friends/family. FB is lame.


Yep, I did that too. It's pretty standard practice.

Usually one half of a couple is 'more' friends with you than the other. Sounds to me like the husband is that half in OP's story, therefore his ex wife shut down her FB to those people, including OP.

Although it certainly sounds like the ex wife was up to something (circumstantial evidence), simply filtering your FB friends list is not always indicative of infidelity or similar behaviour.

My ex wife cheated on me and we divorced. I removed many mutual friends - those who I deemed to be more her friends than mine. I was sad to do that to many of them, but that's life. I did keep a couple of mutual friends, but those generally fizzled out rather quickly. One in particular stayed friendly with both of us, but it started to bother me that he and his wife had no problem knowing exactly what happened and happily spending time with my ex wife and her OM. Not that I expected them to shun her, but yeah... kind of... :surprise:

The sad irony was that a couple of them made the assumption that I was responsible for the marriage ending and said so. I set the record straight. Bye bye. Another, I bumped into IRL some 2 years later, and they were quite abrupt and borderline rude with me, to which I asked why. Got their version of events between my ex wife and I (all assumptions, by the way, based almost solely upon me being the man, and men cheat and my ex wife was so nice, and they'd never have expected HER to do something like that, blah blah blah) and I set the record straight again. They apologized, I said "uh huh" and turned around and walked away.

Relationships suffer and often die when things like this happen. It's life. People don't want to take sides, and people (like in my example above) sometimes show that they don't care that your ex (or you) are a cheater. They may not take sides, but in some cases, maybe they should!

Things like divorce and death change the dynamic in friendships, and can also often indicate who your real friends are. It's never fun to figure that out, but it's usually a blessing in disguise.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

citygirl4344 said:


> Exactly. You have no idea what happened..speculation can get you into trouble. You never know what happens behind closed doors. On the outside the marriage looked perfect and on the inside it was falling apart. Some people are just really good actors.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone


Yeah, this x100.

Although the evidence points to her being unfaithful, it's quite circumstantial.

In my post above, I outlined several instances where people made assumptions (negative ones, towards me) about the ending of my previous marriage, and they couldn't have been more wrong. That hurt.

Thankfully, I didn't lose GOOD friends, but I did lose people I genuinely liked or enjoyed spending time with, or had a lot in common with. All because they jumped to conclusions.

The moral of the story - and one OP seems to get, thankfully - is that GOOD friends don't jump to conclusions based on circumstantial evidence from only one side. Even though what OP has said here points to infidelity on her girlfriends part, it's not definitive proof.

For people who were around when my first marriage ended, I can somewhat understand why they saw what they saw. My ex wife was the one to leave the house and move in with her parents, then her sister. Her OM didn't live in this country, therefore people didn't see her hanging off some other guy. Nobody knew him. She kept him somewhat secret (for obvious reasons) including from her own family for months. People also made assumptions based on me being a man (men cheat), and her being 'so nice' and 'from a good family' that there's no way she would have done something like that. And we were 'such a good couple' that the only way it could have ended they way it did was because *I* cheated. Blah blah blah.

It didn't hurt me losing these people in my life. What hurt was that some of them didn't bother to get my side of the story and simply made assumptions. Even though those people no longer matter, nobody wants people thinking THEY'RE the bad guy when they're not. There are probably other people out there who still think I'm a cheater and a horrible person who hurt my ex wife... ugh.


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