# Am I asking for too much?



## JustMarried2016 (Jun 5, 2017)

Hi ladies,

I don't really have anywhere else to turn about this because all of my friend's marriages seem to be bliss. My husband and I just got married in December of last year so we should, in theory, still be "honeymooning" but really these problems began before we said I do. In the beginning, as is with most relationships I think, my husband and I were having frequent sex. It slowly started dying down to the point where it was only 1-2 times a month. I would always initiate and anytime I did/do initiate I get a bunch of moaning and groaning about his being tired. The good news is, he always gets himself ready for the job but even just the complaining beforehand is a huge turnoff / makes me almost not want to do it anymore. I don't want it feel like a chore for him and I also don't want to feel like I'm begging to get laid by my husband!

Before we got married, i had a serious conversation with him about his it makes me feel that he's never interested and that i'm always the one intiiating. He seemed very receptive of the feedback and things got better, for a little while. Now we're married and it's back to it, except worse. We're not old. I'm 31 and he's 34, but yet literally every day when he comes home from work he starts planting the seed that he's tired. He'll repeat it a number of times right up until bed which I take as my hint to not even bother trying. I find myself drinking a lot of wine and pushing alcohol on him because it's the only time there's even a chance of sex happening. It's sad, makes me resent him, and honestly makes me feel like ****. 

I find myself thinking about straying, seeking attention from men, really anything to give me a little self esteem boost, but I don't WANT to cheat. I don't want to even be in the position to think about it, but yet here I am. I'm not planning to and have no intention to, but the fact that it even crosses my mind scares me. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 26 and he's only my 4th sexual partner. I'm no where NEAR done having sex and it makes me sad that we're about at a standstill. 

Looking for advice from women who have been here or who are here. I've ask friends and often the answer I get is that this is normal and that marriage is more about a partnership than it is about sex. That's fine... for some people. Sex is important to me though and honestly strengthens my feelings and relationship with my S/O. I have to put that out there before I get more of this sentiment as it's just not enough for me. Appreciate any words of wisdom from those who have been married much longer than I have!

Thanks.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What you are going through is not normal at all. Especially not this early in a marriage. It sounds like the two of you are not compatible sexually. How long did you two date before you married?

Or there could be other issues. For example if he uses a lot of porn and basically has a porn addiction. Or he might not be all that into women... could he be gay? or asexual?

Or his T levels should be very low. You might want to get him to see a doc and get those checked.

Here is a link to a thread that you might find helpful. Read at least the first couple of pages as they list resources that you might find helpful.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You're sexually incompatible, and all the signs were there before you got married. This won't get better, and almost certainly will get even worse. You only have two choices: accept it, or divorce him.


----------



## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

I am a man. If I may reply here.


----------



## JustMarried2016 (Jun 5, 2017)

Thanks guys for the reply. I think a couple points are important. We're not sexually incompatible. We've been together 3 years before marriage and the sex was AMAZING! I mean in the first year or two, more than once a day and NOT initiated by me. I also don't think he's gay as he has no issues getting it up for me and generally enjoys it while it's happening. It's like going to the gym LOL... getting there is the hardest part! Sex, when we have it, is still really good. No issues with getting or staying hard and he seems to enjoy it / tries to make it last.

I don't think he has a porn addiction. Never seen him watch or heard him talk about it. I work from home FT so i'm always here... unless he's finding time to somehow handle it at work haha. We don't have any issues with sneakiness. He doesn't hide his phone from me or sneak away to talk on the phone. He's always home on time and talks to me throughout the day while at work. There are no obvious signs of cheating as i know that can sometimes be the problem too. I mean really he's a great guy and i love him and don't feel like there's any need to really speak about divorce at this point. Our relationship is great.... just that i want more sex, obviously, than he does and i don't know if there are words of wisdom on how to get him there. 

With that said - low T is a possible problem that I've considered but getting a man to go to the doctor sometimes feels like brain surgery. I've also tried to get him to workout with me since i know that can often help with desire for sex and general feel goods.

As for the guy who asked if he can offer his opinion here, yes, please do! I welcome it. Just trying to figure out what I can do to help the problem.


----------



## JustMarried2016 (Jun 5, 2017)

Yes please do urf!


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Justmarried2016, It is time to be open and frank and tell your H that you are having doubts about your compatibility and you think of being unfaithful because he is not meeting your needs.
Consider making an appointment with a sex therapist who may help you both to discuss and work through this situation.


----------



## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

JustMarried2016 said:


> In the beginning, as is with most relationships I think, my husband and I were having frequent sex. It slowly started dying down to the point where it was only 1-2 times a month. I would always initiate and anytime I did/do initiate I get a bunch of moaning and groaning about his being tired. literally every day when he comes home from work he starts planting the seed that he's tired. He'll repeat it a number of times right up until bed which I take as my hint to not even bother trying.


OP, sorry to learn of your situation. I'm not a lady, but will give you my input.

I read your post, and was wondering if anything changed in your husband's work situation before you were married. From what you wrote, it seemed like the sex was frequent at a point, and then began to wane over time, to the point of being avoided most nights with "fatigue from work" being your husband's chief excuse. What type of work does your husband do? Is it physically taxing? Has he been employed in the same line of work throughout the tenure of your relationship? 

A work-related change could be relevant to your situation. A few other possibilities are that you have mismatched sex drives, he's no longer physically attracted to you, he's grown bored with your sex life, he has performance anxiety or some dysfunction, he's consuming too much porn, he's cheating, or he's gay. I think him being gay and him cheating are more remote possibilities than the others.

You might encourage your husband to get his hormone levels checked to see if he's suffering from low testosterone, talk to him about the sex to understand if there's a reason why he's avoiding it (be it performance, porn, attraction for you, whatever), and try to vary things up in the bedroom for him. 

Sex therapy/marriage counseling might be helpful, in addition to these things. 

If this problem persists, it will lead you to even more unhappiness over time. Don't have kids until you get this fixed. Good luck!


----------



## JustMarried2016 (Jun 5, 2017)

Thanks Aine and _anonymous_. All valid points and agree i do need to be more open in my communication with him. I've communicated this before, a couple times now, but as I always learn, communication is everything. 

previously his line of work was taxing. He was a fire fighting instructor and had to wake up super early (4 AM) and work a full day on his feet teaching students to fight hot fires. I totally understood his fatigue then. He's military and has since received new orders and works a desk job where he doesn't have to be in until 7:30 so he's getting a full 8-9 hours of sleep each night and sits at a desk, mostly, all day. His line of work isn't stressful either so i'm having a little more trouble buying the "im tired" excuse with this one. That's not to say he's NOT tired... as you mentioned, he could have a low T problem. 

or maybe he's not attracted to me anymore haha. I mean how does one even deal with that / find that out. I haven't changed / put on weight / done anything different. I still maintain myself. Despite switching to a FT work from home schedule when we moved, i still shower every day and make myself presentable for when he's home from work. I made it a point to not let myself go when i switched to working from home as that was a big concern for me. I still do the things i've always done. Just not sure how one goes about fixing an issue with attractiveness if this is in fact the problem.

Boredom in the bedroom could be it too. We do a variety of positions but there's never really any entirely new positions. Maybe we could use some additional experimentation? I don't disagree a sex therapist might be a good option for us. Again he's one of those guys that's pretty anti-therapy so it's going to be hard getting him to make that commitment but maybe it's time for a good talk, again. Appreciate all the input guys. It's helpful and giving me things to consider.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

JustMarried2016 said:


> Thanks guys for the reply. I think a couple points are important. We're not sexually incompatible. We've been together 3 years before marriage and the sex was AMAZING! I mean in the first year or two, more than once a day and NOT initiated by me. I also don't think he's gay as he has no issues getting it up for me and generally enjoys it while it's happening. It's like going to the gym LOL... getting there is the hardest part! Sex, when we have it, is still really good. No issues with getting or staying hard and he seems to enjoy it / tries to make it last.
> 
> I don't think he has a porn addiction. Never seen him watch or heard him talk about it. I work from home FT so i'm always here... unless he's finding time to somehow handle it at work haha. We don't have any issues with sneakiness. He doesn't hide his phone from me or sneak away to talk on the phone. He's always home on time and talks to me throughout the day while at work. There are no obvious signs of cheating as i know that can sometimes be the problem too. I mean really he's a great guy and i love him and don't feel like there's any need to really speak about divorce at this point. Our relationship is great.... just that i want more sex, obviously, than he does and i don't know if there are words of wisdom on how to get him there.
> 
> ...


At his age, low T? Not likely. Is he diabetic? On medications, especially anti-anxiety meds.

*Getting T injections WILL work*. But it will drive him crazy for sex. And most doctors will not prescribe this regime unless his T levels are below a certain threshold. 

Some GP's, *not specialists,* will prescribe it, without it being low. Tell them it is a *Quality of Life* symptom. That is all they need to ethically prescribe.
Search around. The insurance companies will not likely pay for it without documentation of low levels.

It will work.....read about the side effects.


----------



## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

Low t sounds like a very good possibility and his work change. He was physical all day now he's at a desk, I like the get him moving thing. Even if it's going for a walk when he gets home. It will get him more alert and get more energy. I found that out when I started to go for walks with my sister. I was tired all the time. Then my sister and I started walking at a state park. It's not just a straight even walk we r talking a few steep hills here, and I figured out real quick how out of shape I just taking care of him and the kids! DH has a physically demanding job so he is tired a lot, so I do get frustrated sometimes (like the past two days) because he's exhausted from overtime and general work the house stuff like the yard, teaching our son "man stuff" like fixing the four wheeler and giving it an oil change, going shooting, u get the idea. So those days I just know not to try cause it's not happening. He's gonna be passed out on the couch at 8 lol but if ur DH is not physical during work anymore this could indeed make him more tired get him moving and get his T and thyroid checked 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## JustMarried2016 (Jun 5, 2017)

I like the idea of getting him moving, even if it's as simple as a walk. Maybe i'll try that! Thanks for the tips. He definitely doesn't like to be sitting at a desk. He's more of a hands on / on his feet kind of guy so maybe it's just boring him to death at this point. Soon he's going to be changing from desk work to more on his feet type work. Hours won't change so he'll still get enough sleep but hopefully that will at least help.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

JustMarried2016 said:


> Thanks guys for the reply. I think a couple points are important. We're not sexually incompatible. We've been together 3 years before marriage and the sex was AMAZING! I mean in the first year or two, more than once a day and NOT initiated by me


You weren't sexually incompatible. Now you are. For whatever reason, he's lost interest in sex, or sex with you. Have either of you had physical changes? Has he started or stopped any medications? Have there been any lasting disagreements or past incidents that would change his attitude? If none of those apply, and he's no longer interested, then presently you aren't compatible. Might you be again? Perhaps, if he agrees to work on it, and it may take a sex therapist to root out the issue. Give yourself a deadline to improve - or leave.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'd say either low T or depression. And that could come from anything, from new job to a family member's health issues or death to a friend ditching him...who knows? 

I'd say this is not fulfilling and you two need to go to therapy to discuss it, because you can't handle the marriage as is anymore.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

turnera said:


> I'd say either low T or depression. And that could come from anything, from new job to a family member's health issues or death to a friend ditching him...who knows?
> 
> I'd say this is not fulfilling and you two need to go to therapy to discuss it, because you can't handle the marriage as is anymore.


I would go with depression. The OP mentioned that his new job has him sitting at a desk all day, and the husband likes to be on his feet and doing things all day. I would guess that he's really unhappy at work, and that it's taking all his energy just to get through the day.


----------



## JustMarried2016 (Jun 5, 2017)

Thanks guys. I guess throughout all of this i didn't really consider his mental health an issue. He seems fine, but I should know better as I've suffered from depression myself and we almost always "seem fine." I will try to talk to him a little more about work and see how he's truly feeling about it. Hopefully his change will come sooner rather than later as I know he's pretty excited for the other job they're switching him to. 

Maybe i can help too by engaging him in more physical activity when he's home as one other user suggested. We do mostly just sit on the couch and watch tv when he comes home, mostly because he's "tired" as i mentioned. He likes to walk and hike and stuff though so maybe I can entice him into more of that around the neighborhood with the dogs after work to help him feel like he's on his feet more. 

As for medical issues, i think a couple folks have asked about this. He was diagnosed with pancreatitis last May and while he's living a fairly normal life with it, i wonder if it isn't taking a toll mentally on him. It's a very scary disease and he's so used to being healthy, being able to eat and drink whatever he wants, etc. that this whole thing came out of left field. it doesn't really impact his day to day right now but i'm sure it's always in the back of his mind. 

one other thing i'll mention because i've heard it can impact relationships is that i am the "bread winner." I don't brag about it or talk about it or anything like that. I know better. He's always really supportive of my career but i've heard that men are more likely to cheat when they're not the bread winner in the family and other such related comments. I hope this isn't what the problem is but just want to throw it out for additional food for thought in case others have had an issue with it.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I think it's control in a passive way.

You say as soon as he comes home he starts whining about being tired etc. the first time he says anything about being tired hold up your hand in a "halt" position and say, "I get it, you don't want sex. I won't pressure you for sex. Just keep in mind, I'm not likely to remain happily married to a an who doesn't want me sexually."

And leave it there.

Wait two weeks. If nothing changes begin to chart a course away from this marriage. Let him know what you're doing too.

Whether it's low T, depression, or even just his need to get back at you for earning more than him, he is the only one who can change any of that.

I think your husband is fatally passive aggressive and I think he knows damn right well what he's doing.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What was his family like growing up?


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Do you send him naught texts with pics? Give him advance notice he's getting road head on an upcoming trip or even a short drive at night? Wear sexy undies? 

If my girl is telling me she wants me and giving hints on what she's going to do to me, it gets me crazy excited for the entire day! If none of that works, your guy is gay or not attracted to you. You need to sit him down and have a come to jesus talk. All partners are replaceable, so give him advance notice before you stray.


----------



## JustMarried2016 (Jun 5, 2017)

Hi turnera, can you be more specific at what you're trying to get at? Do you mean his family relationships or something else? If it's that, his parents were divorced early on but amicable. His mom remarried and dad has been with same woman for a very long time. He is close with his dad (talks to him frequently). He's close to his mom too but doesn't talk to her often. He is military so he left home when he was 18. Not sure if that gets to what you're looking for but if you can be more specific i can probably help answer.


----------



## JustMarried2016 (Jun 5, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> Do you send him naught texts with pics? Give him advance notice he's getting road head on an upcoming trip or even a short drive at night? Wear sexy undies?
> 
> If my girl is telling me she wants me and giving hints on what she's going to do to me, it gets me crazy excited for the entire day! If none of that works, your guy is gay or not attracted to you. You need to sit him down and have a come to jesus talk. All partners are replaceable, so give him advance notice before you stray.


Probably not enough of this. My underwear are always cute, but i probably wouldn't characterize them as "sexy." As for the pics and hints at road head or other like things, i would argue i don't probably do enough of that and that this could be an area of improvement.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I was more looking into how well did he learn to handle problems? Did his parents fight and then ignore each other for weeks? Did his family talk things through? Did they manipulate each other? Is there a history of depression? Was there a black sheep and, if so, was he it? 

We are a product of our FOO, so if he never learned to deal with 'stuff' growing up, he won't likely know how to (or even that he should) now.

As for the bedroom, see if you can get hold of a copy of this book; it's a great way to turn your bedroom time into something great, to look forward to. If this doesn't work, I don't know what will: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/52-invitations-to-grrreat-sex-laura-corn/1115861385


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

First of all, this is a really big deal. Being rejected is miserable. (as many of us know from experience).

Your sex life was good earlier. Was the change gradual, or sudden. What else changed at the same time? Try to think back about what was going on as this changed.

Have you been able to sit down and talk to him about it?

If you read various threads here, there are some men who put on a big show of being interested in sex early in a relationship, but then stop.


----------



## JustMarried2016 (Jun 5, 2017)

uhtred said:


> First of all, this is a really big deal. Being rejected is miserable. (as many of us know from experience).
> 
> Your sex life was good earlier. Was the change gradual, or sudden. What else changed at the same time? Try to think back about what was going on as this changed.
> 
> ...


I would say it was pretty gradual. slowly decreasing in frequency as time went on. I have sat down and spoke to him about it, twice in the last 6-8 months. Both times he was very receptive, not combative or defensive. He was apologetic acknowledging that he's not sure why he's never in the mood anymore, etc. There is nothing, honestly, that i can pin point that would have changed. 

I have read a lot of posts from women going through this, and likewise men who are in my husbands shoes. A lot of time, the men say they don't really know why but they just aren't interested in sex with their s/o anymore. They don't really know how to explain it. Often they qualify by saying they still love their wives and don't want to be with anyone else and still find them attractive but they just don't have the same desire with them anymore. I'm not sure if there are any men who are looped into this discussion with similar sentiments but i find this concept both troubling and interesting. It's almost like an open relationship is the way to go in these situations.


----------



## JustMarried2016 (Jun 5, 2017)

turnera said:


> I was more looking into how well did he learn to handle problems? Did his parents fight and then ignore each other for weeks? Did his family talk things through? Did they manipulate each other? Is there a history of depression? Was there a black sheep and, if so, was he it?
> 
> We are a product of our FOO, so if he never learned to deal with 'stuff' growing up, he won't likely know how to (or even that he should) now.
> 
> As for the bedroom, see if you can get hold of a copy of this book; it's a great way to turn your bedroom time into something great, to look forward to. If this doesn't work, I don't know what will: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/52-invitations-to-grrreat-sex-laura-corn/1115861385


Definitely not the black sheep. More like the golden child. He went off and made something of himself where as his brother and sister are still home, getting into trouble / not really able to get on their feet. He's always been the one with the best work ethic and most potential. As for how his parents handled their fights, i'm honestly not sure. I don't think we've ever really talked about that. Maybe something for a future discussion just so I can better understand what he's seen growing up. 

I completely agree with being a product of our environment. I saw a lot of fighting between my parents, and cheating quite frankly. I struggle with showing affection and with communication overall but i push myself to do better in those areas constantly.


----------



## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

No, wanting a man who wants you is not asking for too much.

What's his health like? Does he have some health hindrances or body image issues that may make him not as interested in sex? What about yourself? What do you look like naked? Is there a possibility he's not attracted to you? You say the sex life was great before, has anything changed in the health and attraction departments?

You say you always initiate. Is there a chance he wants to take the lead for a change?

I don't think this is unfixable, although I can relate to not feeling all that desired. It just kills a woman's self esteem! Anyone's self esteem, really.


----------



## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

No, you're not asking for too much. Something is going on- you need to investigate. Does he use porn? Does he drink every night? Is he on any medication? Is it possible he's having an affair with a co-worker?


----------



## JustMarried2016 (Jun 5, 2017)

Neither of our bodies have changed really since we started dating. I'm not super skinny but I never have been and I haven't gained weight. if he's lost attraction it's for other reasons. I still shave and shower and do all the things i've always done. I have not let myself go, though i know this is a common issue. There is certainly a possibility he's not attracted to me, i just don't know how to know that for sure? And i also have no idea what changed to make that happen. 

I was initiating, or trying to all the time but i got tired of it honestly a couple months ago. I was tired of being the only one and tired of always having him complain about being tired before finally succumbing to my efforts. So... over the course of the last 2 months he's had ample time to initiate and try to take the lead but he has not. Except once when he was drunk.

And i agree on the self esteem part... total buzzkill. I don't think it's unfixable either at this point... not yet anyway. I'm getting lots of good input here that I think can help me with next steps. Exactly the type of feedback i was looking for.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, then, he's probably either depressed at not being the golden child anymore or he's at least having an emotional affair with someone. My H always said he'd be a millionaire by 30 or on the cover of the Times. So there might be something like that going on.


----------



## JustMarried2016 (Jun 5, 2017)

turnera said:


> Well, then, he's probably either depressed at not being the golden child anymore or he's at least having an emotional affair with someone. My H always said he'd be a millionaire by 30 or on the cover of the Times. So there might be something like that going on.


Definitely could be it. I know he's gone up for promotion a number of times at work but hasn't been selected. Military is weird about how it does things. He's seen a number of lower ranking, less hard working people get promoted so i'm sure that's partially weighing on him. So many potential factors!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He's around the age where you start to realize you really CAN'T slay the dragon, that you won't achieve it all, that stuff will get in your way. Are you his best friend? Can he talk to you about his dreams? If you approach him as his friend, and not his 'jilted lover,' he'll feel safer confiding in you and will feel like you two are a team.


----------



## JustMarried2016 (Jun 5, 2017)

turnera said:


> He's around the age where you start to realize you really CAN'T slay the dragon, that you won't achieve it all, that stuff will get in your way. Are you his best friend? Can he talk to you about his dreams? If you approach him as his friend, and not his 'jilted lover,' he'll feel safer confiding in you and will feel like you two are a team.


I like to think that i am, but i wonder if maybe i'm not? He doesn't often communicate issues with me and to this point i've chalked it up to him just not having any but maybe they're there and i just haven't made him comfortable enough to share? I'm not entirely placing the blame on myself here... but am always willing to acknowledge room for improvement. Any suggestions on how to make your husband more comfortable to be able to speak to you about the difficult topics are welcome! As previously mentioned, i'm not the best communicator when it comes to the difficult topics myself so it's like two stubborn people trying to be strong and make it through without talking it out. Obviously not sustainable and we need to do better about this.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Ebbs and flows with sex in a marriage is something that is normal, and it happens to lots of people. BUT, from what you describe of what you're experiencing, it's not really normal, especially so early on. 

I got married in 2013, and when we were dating, the sex was great! But, we only dated for 3 months, then the stress of engagement and planning a big wedding that he had wanted hit, and sex really slowed down. I thought that it would pick up when he moved in, then when the wedding was over, then after this excuse and that excuse. It never picked up, and it'll be 4 years for us this summer. I'm at a point now where I don't care about sex with him, will avoid it, and it's one of the reasons that I'm going to broach a trial separation very soon. 

So, from my experience, this is unlikely to change, and if sex is important to you, I would suggest first trying marital counselling, and maybe individual counselling for both of you, and trying to solve the problem. If this is just a matter of sexual incompatibility though, you might be better off separating and finding someone new. Question: was your husband a virgin before you?


----------



## JustMarried2016 (Jun 5, 2017)

Ursula said:


> Ebbs and flows with sex in a marriage is something that is normal, and it happens to lots of people. BUT, from what you describe of what you're experiencing, it's not really normal, especially so early on.
> 
> I got married in 2013, and when we were dating, the sex was great! But, we only dated for 3 months, then the stress of engagement and planning a big wedding that he had wanted hit, and sex really slowed down. I thought that it would pick up when he moved in, then when the wedding was over, then after this excuse and that excuse. It never picked up, and it'll be 4 years for us this summer. I'm at a point now where I don't care about sex with him, will avoid it, and it's one of the reasons that I'm going to broach a trial separation very soon.
> 
> So, from my experience, this is unlikely to change, and if sex is important to you, I would suggest first trying marital counselling, and maybe individual counselling for both of you, and trying to solve the problem. If this is just a matter of sexual incompatibility though, you might be better off separating and finding someone new. Question: was your husband a virgin before you?


No he wasn't a virgin before me. Not even close haha. Thanks for the input. It's comforting to know i'm not alone but also hard because there's not just one solution to this problem. I have never met someone i've been more compatible with mentally / personality wise AND quite frankly, sexually. He has been my best sexual partner so it's disappointing that it has come to this. Hopefully we can figure out the problem and fix it!


----------



## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

Do you have relationships with his family and friends? You should get a handle on this asap. Maybe they know something that you don't. Be diplomatic when you ask.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Wow, what a lot of work to go through just for sex. My husband is LD but not as bad as yours! Things didn't start to taper off till ten years in. And NO, what you're experiencing isn't normal.

You're going to go through ALL this work and things will get better temporarily, but sooner or later it will be 5 more years then ten and things aren't going to be any better. They may in fact be worse, probably WILL be worse. Can you live with that?


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Wow, what a lot of work to go through just for sex. My husband is LD but not as bad as yours! Things didn't start to taper off till ten years in. And NO, what you're experiencing isn't normal.
> 
> You're going to go through ALL this work and things will get better temporarily, but sooner or later it will be 5 more years then ten and things aren't going to be any better. They may in fact be worse, probably WILL be worse. Can you live with that?


Yup. The see-saw of marriage. Pitch a fit, things get better, relax..things fall apart. It's manipulation and control at its most elegant. The more time invested, the less likely you want to pull the plug.


----------



## deepsouth (Apr 28, 2017)

JustMarried2016 said:


> I would say it was pretty gradual. slowly decreasing in frequency as time went on. I have sat down and spoke to him about it, twice in the last 6-8 months. Both times he was very receptive, not combative or defensive. He was apologetic acknowledging that he's not sure why he's never in the mood anymore, etc. There is nothing, honestly, that i can pin point that would have changed.
> 
> I have read a lot of posts from women going through this, and likewise men who are in my husbands shoes. A lot of time, the men say they don't really know why but they just aren't interested in sex with their s/o anymore. They don't really know how to explain it. Often they qualify by saying they still love their wives and don't want to be with anyone else and still find them attractive but they just don't have the same desire with them anymore. I'm not sure if there are any men who are looped into this discussion with similar sentiments *but i find this concept both troubling and interesting. It's almost like an open relationship is the way to go in these situations.*


Well, given that almost none of the suggestions about the problem seem to fit your situation do you think that he senses that you might be having thoughts of finding fulfillment in an open relationship? You expressed that some problematic situations with men were "interesting". (To be fair you said "troubling" as well, so I'm just grasping at straws like everyone else!)

Maybe he is having difficulty with sexual arousal and the fear of you checking out is killing him.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

JustMarried2016 said:


> Any suggestions on how to make your husband more comfortable to be able to speak to you about the difficult topics are welcome! As previously mentioned, i'm not the best communicator when it comes to the difficult topics myself so it's like two stubborn people trying to be strong and make it through without talking it out. Obviously not sustainable and we need to do better about this.


Psychologically, it's easier to talk to someone about tough subjects when you're not facing them. I read that a long time ago, and when DD26 got into junior high school, we started going on walks. All the time. Sometimes 2 or 3 times a week. She talked about everything on those walks. It really helped her open up. 

It's also good to talk when you're on drives because, again, you're not facing each other. So try that.

I have some neighbors who I see going on walks every single day. Excellent way to keep your marriage fresh and never lose the communication.


----------



## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Have you tried supplements? Maca, Horny Goat Weed, stuff like that? I've heard black Maca is most effective for men.

Probably won't solve the problem all by themselves, but might help.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

JustMarried2016 said:


> Definitely could be it. I know he's gone up for promotion a number of times at work but hasn't been selected. Military is weird about how it does things. He's seen a number of lower ranking, less hard working people get promoted so i'm sure that's partially weighing on him. So many potential factors!


As a former career military officer, I've seen a lot of people in all grades react poorly to being passed over for promotion.

There's an incredibly strong link between self-confidence and sexual assertiveness in most men. Getting passed over for promotion can crush self confidence and subsequently, sexual performance becomes collateral damage. 

I knew one man who got passed over and groused consistently about it. His wife wasn't concerned--she loved him as much as ever and made it clear to him. But he didn't respond. She finally got fed up with his self-pity and told him to suck it up and get on with life. 

Meanwhile, his secretary was giving him the "oh, that's so unfair--you deserved it more than anybody" routine. He and the secretary ended up having an affair and the marriage ended. Damn shame as his wife was a stellar woman who deserved much better. 

I don't know if any of this little anecdote is useful to you. I just share it to demonstrate what a big deal this is to some men. The ego can be a very fragile, and easily manipulated thing. Hopefully one of the other, more wise and experienced posters on this board can offer an actual recommendation as to how to successfully deal with this, if it is even the source, or part of the source, of your husband's difficulty.


----------

