# I don't know anymore...(sorry so long)



## begali3 (Oct 15, 2009)

My husband and I have been married 6 years, but together for 11 years. We met when we were seniors in high school. The first year of our dating was incredible. We connected in so many ways, could talk for hours about everything or nothing at all. He was always so respectful and considerate of my feelings. Then about a year and a half into it, that all changed. I tell him all the time, I know the exact moment it changed, but he just laughs it off. He became what I consider, verbally abusive (although he would beg to differ on that), screaming, cursing, calling me awful names. It happened slowly at first, and now has just become a way of life for me. For a while, we lived with my dad, and it wasn't too bad at all then. He knew he couldn't talk to me that way around him, so all was well. Then we had our first child, and although he was an incredible father, he began missing his freedom. He began going out with friends to bars and evenutally cheated on me. I ended up finding out on my own about 3 months before we were getting married. He denied it up and down, until I showed him my proof. I had so many doubts at that point, but because all the plans were made and we did have a child, we got married. I never forgave him or got over what he did to me and our family. He has never done anything to gain my trust back or show me how sorry he is for what he did. And if I bring it up, he tells me I am throwing it in his face and I don't understand how much it hurts him too. So now, 11 years and three kids later, we are stuck in a loveless marriage. I hate to use those words, loveless marriage, because I do care for him and love him, but not in the way a wife should love her husbad. I am still young, only 28, and am so scared of being miserable for the rest of our lives. I also know that I don't want our children thinking that marriage is supposed to be like this. I long to be happy and be in love, but things have gotten so bad between us that we can barely say two words to each other anymore. And it doesn't seem to phase him. Although he continues to treat me like ****, he says he loves me and wants to have sex and can't understand why I don't want to be bothered. I just don't know what to do anymore....I grew up in a divorced family and although it was a very amicable split, I always swore I wouldn't get divorced if I had children. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I too feel like I deserve to be happy and want my children to grow up in a loving and happy home.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

What are the logistics should you decide to divorce?

I'm sorry you continued to make babies with him and to not follow your feelings on this one. There is no way to avoid pain if you decide to follow through with divorce. So you have to accept that fact.

Have you considered or tried marriage counseling? Or therapy on your own to help you clarify your feelings?


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## begali3 (Oct 15, 2009)

I know...why make matters worse by having more kids, but I guess at the time, I thought things would get better and he would change. I was so wrong. We haven't done any sort of counseling, unfortunately we can't really afford that and he's not too keen on the idea. I have begged him to try anger management for his temper, he's even said he'll do it, when I tell him I want out of the relationship, but he never follows through. The logistics of it all makes the situation even worse, we don't have the money to live apart right now and I don't know that we will any time soon. Before kids, I would just ignore his behavior or make excuses for it, as he grew up in a very verbally and emotionally abusive family, but since kids, I can't keep quiet about it. My kids have all witnessed the arguments and hear the hurtful things he says and I see it affecting them too. I have asked him to leave, but he never does, just go and stay with a friend for a week and let me have the time and space I need to think things through. He'll storm out but is always back in a matter of hours. I just feel overwhelmed with the situation. I know what needs to be done, counseling and work through it (although at this point I don't know that I can let all of the hurt go), or just end it already. It's just so hard to make a decision that is so final for your family. I want my kids to have a mom and dad at home with them, but at what cost to me or them.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Divorce is more costly than counseling, so think about it more strongly. It will help you figure out if you can let go of the hurt.

The only other option is to go to a lawyer and file for divorce so he sees you're not blowing smoke.

The problem with his not following through before is that you didn't either. So he has no real reason to get help. He knows you'll back down.


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## ScaredinFlorida (Sep 29, 2009)

Ok SO I completely and totally get what you are feeling right now, as I am going through an almost exact situation. He Uses words to control you, and the cursing and arguing and all of those things. It is tough to see it, I have made excuses for my husband too, but no one should have to deal with the hurt it causes. The reason you don't want to be intimate with this man is that you have low self esteem, due to the name calling, he discounts everything you say and you feel like you have no value to him. This is verbal abuse, but unfortunately you can not chnage or fix him. He has to fix himself and want to fight for your marriage. You probabaly have issues too, that have contributed but it is no excuse for him to cut you down especially in front of your children. You need to become string find yourself and protect your children. This is not easy. I am struggling with the same thing, can a zebra change his stripes, or will I be dealing with this forever? Should I stay or should I go, can we sepaprate and work it out, I know how you feel. Read my post--When to say when , enough or keep fighting? This is a tough call I still don't know the answer, but what I do know is that once you know what the problem is, you will finally be able to communicate it to him. I will gurantee there is a place to get free counseling in your area, so search for one, and get an appointment. Indeed he needs anger management at a minimum, and to apologize to you in a heartfelt way, so you can have some clpure, becasue in your mind (like mine) it happened like yesterday and you can not let go of it, becasue it hurt you so badly and he does not understand the gravity of that hurt, so he continues to put you down. Hang in There, you will know what to do soon enough, at least I hope so, cause I am dealing with the same thing!!!! Good Luck, whatever happens will be okay it has to be!


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## begali3 (Oct 15, 2009)

Thank you so much scaredinflorida. Not that I am at all happy that you are going through this too, but it's nice to hear from someone that can understand how I feel. You're right, I too have contributed to our problems, but like you, I have in no way been abusive towards him in any way. The abuse is not acceptable, it never has been, and he knows it, but I have allowed it to continue. I have enabled this behavior to go on for years. What blows my mind is that he is able to control himself when he wants to. He only treats me like this in our own home when no one else is around because he knows that is the only time he can get away with it. He says he just gets so mad, that he doesn't know how to express it correctly, but that isn't the case because I have seen him manage his anger when he chooses to. I just don't understand it. I know I am at the end of my rope, even if it has taken me 11 years to get there. I have expressed my feelings to him, he knows this is it for me. I just have to figure out where to go from here. I want my marriage to work, I always have, I just don't know if I can ever let go of all of the hurt, anger, and resentment I have towards him. In the end, I have a decision to make, and what ever that may be will have to be the right one for me and my family. scaredinflorida, I truly hope all works out for you too.


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