# do white lies matter in times of mis trust?



## honeybum (Mar 7, 2011)

i have just found out a white lie my husband told the other night, not from him, but from my neighbour. nothing nasty or sinister but a lie none the less. we actually argued about it as i thought i was mis reading a situation, turns out i had been right. Why did he lie about such a stupid thing? what else can i not trust him on when hes supposed to be telling me the truth after his affair? how do we build trust when he lies about the silly stuff or am i being silly?


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

honeybum said:


> i have just found out a white lie my husband told the other night, not from him, but from my neighbour. nothing nasty or sinister but a lie none the less. we actually argued about it as i thought i was mis reading a situation, turns out i had been right. Why did he lie about such a stupid thing? what else can i not trust him on when hes supposed to be telling me the truth after his affair? how do we build trust when he lies about the silly stuff or am i being silly?


I don't think you are being silly at all. Part of recovery from an affair is complete honesty and transparency. He has already broken your trust and probably your heart and honesty and truth is paramount to rebuilding your relationship. If he is not able or willing to do that, you have zero reason to trust him. 
I disagree with you that it isn't sinister. His continued dishonesty is indeed very sinister, it shows a pattern. You cannot rebuild trust if he continues to lie, small lie, big lie.....it doesn't matter. It's a lie and thus keeping you in the dark. Nasty indeed.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

A lie is a lie no matter how big or small.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

The liar does not get to decide which lies "matter."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Little lies. Lying by omission. Still lies.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I find my now ex H(also with affair) does this even today for some really stupid almost trivial things. I don't know why he continues to do these things. I don't care about most of that stuff anyways.

This is also from a man who was busted on his affair, who still denies it to me, his mother,brother and the rest of the world. And also from a man who feels zero remorse about destroying his family the way he did.


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## Duddy (Apr 29, 2011)

I agree. It's your husband's responsibility to be as honest with you as possible, particularly after an affair, and especially because you've directly requested complete honesty as an important relationship need. 

It may be helpful to not criticize but to let him know how it hurts you when he lies. 

This way he won't be defensive and rather, his natural instincts to protect you emotionally will more easily "flare". This may help him change the white-lie behavior more effectively and quickly.

If it's a really ingrained old habit for him to tell these small lies, it may be helpful to both of you to ask him to at least try and quickly admit it once he's caught next time (should he slip into another white lie). 

He may not even realize he's doing it until it's too late. He needs to learn that it's safe to make the mistake as long as he quickly admits to it and apologizes. 

For some people learning not white lie, can be like learning to ride a bike. A little help and allowance for 1 or 2 mistakes can really help. But he has to be committed to making the change, for this to work. He has to quickly admit to the lie as agreed.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Yeah, I'd say it matters a great deal. That's no way to rebuild trust.

Duddy has some excellent advice-


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Lying after an A, regardless of the size of the lie, is the worst thing you can do imo, especially if you're trying to R.

You cannot R if there's lies and deceit still going on. It's that simple.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

Little white lies matter, period. Before my wife's affair she would tell these little white lies but I never thought anything of it. But during the "what's going on here" period when I began to sense something was up, the white lies were all I could ever think about. White lies lead to big lies. If they'll lie about something so mi-nute they'll lie about anything.

16 months after Dday and my wife fully understands that white lies matter and they are a deal breaker. Zero tolerance from me. She understands my boundaries of what I will tolerate and what I absolutely will not. I have not been told one single lie since we began our R 16 months ago. (edit: atleast that I know of, and I am on guard every single day)


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## SeekingSerenity (Jul 29, 2011)

I agree!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

ladybird said:


> A lie is a lie no matter how big or small.



Dr Suess?


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Some of the smallest lies have turned into the biggest fights in my household.


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