# Ideas to put some spark back into our marriage.



## cubsfn (Sep 23, 2010)

My wife and I have been married going on 8 years this year. I am 36 in pretty good shape and the wife is 31. We just recently had our 2nd child (she is going on 3 months of age). Sex in our marriage has always been a struggle if you want to call it. 

We had friends over this past weekend for labor day, a couple that are good friends of ours (whom also recently had their 2nd kid but he is 3 weeks older than ours), his wife had asked if we had any yet. My wife started laughing looking somewhat embarrassed that we hadn't. My response was that things have just been crazy and we haven't made it a priority. (We pretty much stopped having sex the day my wife found out she was pregnant. In other words, her interest or drive in sex just stopped). So we haven't had sex since then. It has bugged me somewhat but I haven't made it a sore subject between us. I just continued to do what I could to help out around the house since my wife was taking care of our newborn. 

Back to the Saturday night conversation, my wife basically told everyone that the reason why we hadn't is because I hadn't done anything to initiate sex. Which somewhat caught me off guard. I mentioned that I had wanted to, but hadn't due to the fact that she hadn't gone back on BC. (The prescription has been sitting at the pharmacy apparently waiting for her to pick up, I also mentioned in the past that I would go get protection. She told me "I am going back on BC, so no point"). Granted I know there could have been other things going on ... to help get her in the mood etc ... she then stated "Frankly I don't care if we do or not anyway, if he wants it, he just has to initiate".

That last sentence pretty much sums up or sex life ... if we don't have sex, it is my fault because I am not initiating. So in essence, she has completely taken herself out of the equation. I flat our responded by saying "How easy is it for me to want to initiate when you feel this way about sex?, that you don't really care if we do or not?!"

I was pretty much a bit upset after that, went into the kitchen and started cleaning up while my wife entertained. She later came over and apologized to me and stated that she was sorry and she doesn't know why she feels that way.

Granted I know that a lot has been going on with the new baby, her going back to work, etc. I haven't been making a stink over the lack of sex. Maybe I am just not manning up .. lol. I just don't really feel motivated if that is her attitude towards sex. 

As a couple prior to having our 2 kids, sex was maybe a couple times a week ... and then it slowed down to once a month. It only increased when we were trying to have kids. 

What ideas do you ladies, guys have out there for me? Part of me feels like this part of our marriage shouldn't be that hard. 

thanks! Ask away!


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

do things yall used to do when you first started going out, also maybe plan date nights witha sitter so their are no kids and yall go have fun most relationship experts say that a couple should spend a minimum of 10 hours a week on quality time together, watching the tv and talking is not quality time this would be time when it is just you guys and the kids are in bed develop this intimacy, from exeperience it takes a good year for a woman to heal up completely after giving birth I feel that you start spending more QT and eventually things will change they cant help but change afterall she did fall in love with ya 

Good Luck


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## cubsfn (Sep 23, 2010)

Thanks for the suggestion, I know one thing she does enjoy is being outdoors. So I made it a point yesterday to go up north to go hiking around a lake to get out of the heat. (She wants the kids with us, she doesn't want to give up time away right now with our newborn). I told her we need to continue doing more things like this.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

In_The_Wind said:


> do things yall used to do when you first started going out, also maybe plan date nights witha sitter so their are no kids and yall go have fun most relationship experts say that a couple should spend a minimum of 10 hours a week on quality time together, watching the tv and talking is not quality time this would be time when it is just you guys and the kids are in bed develop this intimacy, from exeperience it takes a good year for a woman to heal up completely after giving birth I feel that you start spending more QT and eventually things will change they cant help but change afterall she did fall in love with ya
> 
> Good Luck


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Feelingdown (Aug 13, 2012)

You need to take her out of the equation as well. There is no point looking into who is actually at fault. Instead focus on what you want to happen. 

Basically, if you were trying to get a new gf or w/e into bed or when you first met you're wife, what would/did you do? You'd flirt with her, seduce her, make her feel sexy etc, put some effort into the build up and so on. Make it fun. 

Once you do the above and put the effort in yourself, then you can start to look at her if the problem doesn't go away.


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## cubsfn (Sep 23, 2010)

btw I am not trying to place the blame anywhere per say ..


^ thanks for the suggestions ... I know getting upset with her isn't exactly to going light her fire either


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Your situation mirrors prob 99% of the husbands on here, mine included. Once the kids are around, wifey has no use for sex. Initiate? Please. My wife is more likely to climb the Empire State Building than reach over and grab me in bed. 

You can get pissed or just get used to it. If you don't initiate, you won't get any. So suck it up and be the aggressor all the time. 

And don't feel bad about pointing the blame on her. Wives know that us men are horny bastards and use it as a carrot to wave in front of our faces.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I know getting "upset with her" will not light her fire ..it makes it worse.....but i also dont blame you for not wanting to initiate or have sex with her knowing she could care less if you "do it or not"..

I do know one thing the less sex you have (over long term) the less you want..(physcially) I dont mean days or weeks even in your case it sounds like a year?

Definately doing fun things you both enjoy together outside of bed is GOOD ..connecting that way laughing together life together..Maybe since its been SOOO long..you should start out with flirting and touching ...then make out sessions with no actual sex like you know..passionate kissing and "heavy petting" ..for a few nights but stopping short of sex see if you can get her engine running that way..almost like ..well exactly like teasing her..I know that wouldnt be easy for you of course..but like I said if there has been NO sex for a year she could have just stopped even "idling' and went numb from the waste down...

Im thinking of 'extended foreplay" over days or a week but no release for her might get her "thinking about it' during the day and possibly starting to long for more.."sensual massage" ..'whispers of sweet nothings"..with no expectation of actual sex MIGHT get her asking for it...

Also if you try this do so in soft light not darkness or "bright light" she could be insecure about her body after the babys..soft light is flattering but you still get to 'see" each other..tell her how beautiful she is and how much you love her body..Maybe get a "special" lotion that smells wonderful to engage all of her senses ....

I could be TOTALLY on to the wrong idea..but i think after that long...her "caring less" if you "have sex or not"..???I would ease in to it ...reconnect first with just "re familiarizing" with each others bodies and sensual touch..."could " light a spark in there..

GOOD luck..and my hat off to you for not trying to "anger her " or 'threatenign " her into this..If she STILL says I could "care less"..then I would tell her how deepley THAT hurts you ..not that she wont just 'do it for you " but that she doesnt care about having that intimacy with you and I would suggest you get into therapy to figure out why ...Where did her desire go and why ?How to work on getting it back that you are willing if she is..

GOOD LUCK!


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## cubsfn (Sep 23, 2010)

Thanks for the suggestions .. I tell her all the time how beautiful she is .. or how sexy she looks when she buys a new shirt etc ... I send her texts from time to time throughout the week letting her know that I am thinking about her etc. I help out around the house, cook dinner, get both kids ready in the morning for school/daycare. 

I am not going on a rant complaining, I do all these things because I want to not out of "obligation etc". 

Dallasapple, one my wife doesn't like "making" out ... she isn't a big kisser. When we do have x, kissing usually isn't involved. She has flat out said she doesn't like to kiss, (funny it wasn't an issue prior to us getting married). Maybe I am just a bad kisser who knows. 

Anyway, she has even said that guys she was with in the past they had more x because the guy was more the aggressor even if she really didn't want to. 

Bottom line me being the nice guy isn't getting me anywhere. Yet that is who I am, I take those things into consideration. Yet because of all of this in the end I feel like I am getting the short stick. 

Bottom line just like what 40isthenew20 said, I just need to be the aggressor and she can turn me down all she wants .. at least then she knows that I do desire / want her. 

I guess I just wished that she would show some interest in that area .. considering all that I do. Part of me just doesn't feel like it is as meaningful intimacy wise if I initiate and I get what I wanted out of it if she really "doesn't care" ... if that makes sense. 

I guess we can't have it all ... I guess things could be worse  

Thanks everyone!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

cubsfn said:


> Bottom line me being the nice guy isn't getting me anywhere. Yet that is who I am, I take those things into consideration. Yet because of all of this in the end I feel like I am getting the short stick.
> 
> Bottom line just like what 40isthenew20 said, I just need to be the aggressor and she can turn me down all she wants .. at least then she knows that I do desire / want her.
> 
> ...


Grab the Married Man's Sex Life. Lots of good tips that may help. Among them is that sex does not start at 11 pm. It starts in the evening when you hold hands on the couch. It starts when hug her from behind and kiss her on the neck when you come home. It starts in the morning when you pin her against the counter and kiss her hard, then leave with a hop in your step.

Also, be aware that many women are sexual responsive, rather than sexually initiating. By that I mean that they don't think of or spontaneously want sex, but will react or be responsive when a man initiates. That does not mean that they don't care about sex or what they are doing with you, only that due to hormones, sex is not on the front of their mind like it is for men. 

My wife is like that. Yes, I did get more rejections, particularly at first. But we also had more sex. As that improved, I got better at reading her signals and not pushing when she really was not into it. As things progressed, she also got better at giving (and fullfilling) rainchecks. As much as I want my wife to rip my clothes off when I walk in the door after work, that is just not her or her personality (of course, three kids doesn't help either). I accept her and work with our different personalities.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

cubsfn said:


> Dallasapple, one my wife doesn't like "making" out ... she isn't a big kisser. When we do have x, kissing usually isn't involved. She has flat out said she doesn't like to kiss, (funny it wasn't an issue prior to us getting married). Maybe I am just a bad kisser who knows.


cubsfn,

I know when i lost passion for my ex-husband, kissing was the first thing to go- even during sex... I agree with the others date your wife..


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## cubsfn (Sep 23, 2010)

^ that's what I am afraid of .... thanks for the suggestions people.


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## cubsfn (Sep 23, 2010)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Grab the Married Man's Sex Life. Lots of good tips that may help. Among them is that sex does not start at 11 pm. It starts in the evening when you hold hands on the couch. It starts when hug her from behind and kiss her on the neck when you come home. It starts in the morning when you pin her against the counter and kiss her hard, then leave with a hop in your step.
> 
> Also, be aware that many women are sexual responsive, rather than sexually initiating. By that I mean that they don't think of or spontaneously want sex, but will react or be responsive when a man initiates. That does not mean that they don't care about sex or what they are doing with you, only that due to hormones, sex is not on the front of their mind like it is for men.
> 
> My wife is like that. Yes, I did get more rejections, particularly at first. But we also had more sex. As that improved, I got better at reading her signals and not pushing when she really was not into it. As things progressed, she also got better at giving (and fullfilling) rainchecks. As much as I want my wife to rip my clothes off when I walk in the door after work, that is just not her or her personality (of course, three kids doesn't help either). I accept her and work with our different personalities.


Thanks Tall Average Guy for the ideas .... Some of these things I do already ... I guess it is just a matter of me taking it up a notch to the next level. 

It all just seems so one sided ... lol.


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## cubsfn (Sep 23, 2010)

tall Average guy .. is the book called "The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 - Kay, Athol"?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

cubsfn said:


> tall Average guy .. is the book called "The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 - Kay, Athol"?


Correct. And it can seem one-sided at times, particularly in the beginning. It can get better, as my wife has started explictily initiating more as we improved our sex life. Not nearly as much as I do, but at least one a month. But I need to initiate the rest of the time.

Also, as you go forward, you may find that your wife is initiating in her way. It may be reacting to some particular moves, or initiating touch of you that signals her willingness without her saying out loud "I would like to have sex with you." Using that, my wife probably initiates an additional 2-4 times a month. Now that I understand the signs, I am able to give her what she wants.


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## cubsfn (Sep 23, 2010)

Book ordered .. thanks for the suggestion!


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

This happened with us. We started out with a date night every other week. Thank goodness for our Moms. We would dress up a bit, nice dinner, or a club. We would get home about 11 and then sex was on the agenda.

It took awhile but we got back into the two or three times a week grove after a few months.

I also went with her to buy some new clothes. That was hard on me and she felt a little more like a women then a tired Mom. Self image is always important to a woman but even more when they just pushed out a kid.


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## cubsfn (Sep 23, 2010)

Thanks for the suggestions, I can just tell you right now she is probably not inclined to wanting to go out on date nights. This is her second week back at work and she already feels guilty leaving number 2 at daycare. So what time she does have with her, she wants to maximize that time. Heck, our hour drive up north this weekend to get out of the heat made her feel guilty about having the baby in the back for all that time. 

Bottom line is I just need to start working on myself again ... be more confident ... etc ... 

thanks everyone!


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

Yes, confidence! That is a huge aphrodisiac!! There is no bigger turnoff than a man who mopes around the house because his wife nagged him, or who won't put in his name at the restaurant because he is shy or who does all the chores but forgets to come up from behind while I do the dishes and tell me I have a cute a**. The fact is, most women love being noticed and pursued by a confident man. My H lost that confidence for many years maybe some because I criticized him, but the less confident he was, the less I wanted to do him. He would grab me with that weird smile, instead of with a come-hither erotic look. I need a man to be more wolf-like and less begging for it. Confidence.

Read The Erotic Mind. Some people get turned on by being pursued, because it makes them feel desireable. Others get hot by being the aggressor because they get power out of making someone melt. Some feel turned on by the naughtiness factor. Over time in relationships, the closeness can eliminate the separateness in which sparks grow. The Erotic Mind is an overlooked factor. I am reading this book now and it is totally changing my understanding of myself. I realize how much I love attention, how much I love to be pursued, and of course the naughtiness factor. I'm just in the chapter on erotic mind for long term couples, so I don't know yet what he recommends.


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