# Question for women - does relationship with a mother really matter so much?



## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

I hope I'm not breaking rules by positing here, but I really need advice from women.

My wife was a southern belle, but suffers from severe depression, insecurities, and past therepists have suspected borderline personality disorder. When couples argue, sometimes its the innocent comments that hurt the most.

Our most consistent argument is that 'we've drifted apart'. Keep in mind, she is a responder. She admits that she cannot initiate a positive mood. So, she doesn't say things like 'I love you' or try to initiate spending time together. And, because of BPD, she really struggles with thoughts that make up ill feelings on my part that are not truly there. This is one of the classic symptoms. If I park a little closer in our driveway, to her it is because I'm angry and trying to intimidate, so she fumes.

To the point: Sometimes, she lets it slip that she only married me because of an infatuation. She said that good women would not marry a man with my background. And since I'm not close to my Mother, she constantly says I cannot give her relationship input because I can't maintain a decent relationship. In the times where she needs to really talk about her thoughts, she admits that she feels that I and my children would be better off if she were dead, but she has not threatened suicide in a long time. But in the same discussion, she'll tell me that I should not remarry for the kids sake, because only the wrong kind of women would be interested.

My wife knows only the basics about my childhood even after 22 years of marriage. Most of our discussions are centered around her feelings. I've always taken the stance that we'll work on her issues, then maybe discuss mine later.

She knows I grew up in a very rough childhood, but probably doesn't know I lived on the streets at times, and had to be very agressive when mugged at knifepoint. I never gave into drugs or excessive alcohol. Since I was a brainy kid, I had to fight alot in school. So, my mother watched when my stepfather beat me senseless, and she knew that becuase I was very strong, he would wake me with beatings when he was drunk. To this day, I call her every weekend, and even let her live next door in an apartment I owned for several years. But she feels no remorse. She was only the victim in her mind. What my wife doesn't know is that my mother is a very hateful person, and I'm uncomfortable around her. I've seriously let the bitterness go because my children have allowed me to heal. 

We are attending marriage counseling soon, but my wife has been in treatment for years. 

Because I always knew what I wanted, I am a very touchy-feely person. We used to spend hours a day sitting together and kissing, but she holds alot of anger because I didn't need sex every night. I take four pain medications for arthritis and nerve damage, so often I'm content with giving her a massage, kissing, etc. Can't do this anymore because of her anger. Things went sour in our relationship after I was initially thought to have ALS, but then later began to improve (still suffer from residual pain and cramps from motor neuron damage). 

I have a great relationship with our children. My daughters are accomplished harpists and do well in college. Our issues with our son largely stem from my wife's anger towards him. Many times, she will say that she cannot stand him.

Point is, I know her really well and feel like I could help her, but she thinks my relationship with my family makes me ineligible. And do many women automatically rule out a person because of this? Seriously, I'm not speculating about some sort of post-divorce scenario, but I've heard this probably a million times.

In case it matters: I'm still very muscular because the weightlifting and cardio help with joint pain. Maybe also because of the childhood. I'm financially secure, and now give Uncle Sam more each year than I made when I first started, which annoys me to no end. I love my wife deeply, but it grieves me that she harbors such feelings.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I can't speak for everyone, but personally, relationship with family is not a huge factor in deciding to date/marry someone. My boyfriend has a very distant relationship with his mother, for largely similar reasons to yours: she was abusive, hateful, and treated him horribly. She and his father divorced when my boyfriend was less than 2 years old, and she hated my boyfriend's father, constantly talked bad about him. On the other hand, my boyfriend is very close to his father, after only seeing him occasionally as a child. 

I think, if he were closer to his mother, that would be more cause for concern to me than the lack of relationship. Given the history, a closer relationship would make me wonder if he were more like her than he lets on, and given that we have kids, that would be a major worry for me. 

I also don't think I would ever say that someone knows nothing about relationships because they aren't close to their mother. Frankly, given the context, relationship with the mother would be the last thing I'd look at to determine if they know anything about relationships. I'd look at their past history with other girlfriends, former wives, friends, etc. 

The thing is though, you indicate your wife has insecurities, depression, and BPD. These things can drastically change the thinking process and the way someone perceives a situation. I myself have suffered from insecurities in the past, and trust me, those alone make it way too easy to see something that isn't there. A phone call that is 2 minutes late translates to cheating; a silence that stretches too long after you say something translates to them being angry at you for what you just said (even when there is clearly absolutely no cause for them be angry). So, in her mind, what she's telling you probably makes perfect sense. The rest of us may see it as strange, ridiculous, and over the top, but she may not. 

I don't really know of anything that you can do to help her. If she's been in treatment for years, and still thinks this way, I don't know that anyone can really help her. Go to marriage counseling; perhaps having several people telling her that what she thinks/says/does is unhealthy will help her to see it.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Familial relationships did matter to me when picking my partner. I did want a husband who was close to his parents. That being said, it wouldn't have stopped me from marrying my husband if he wasn't and I wouldn't judge him - especially if the situation was similar to yours.


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## southernbelle (Sep 27, 2010)

I don't think I would automatically discount someone as a potential partner nor would I assume they couldn't have a healthy loving relationship simply because there was no close relationship with their mother.


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> I also don't think I would ever say that someone knows nothing about relationships because they aren't close to their mother. Frankly, given the context, relationship with the mother would be the last thing I'd look at to determine if they know anything about relationships. I'd look at their past history with other girlfriends, former wives, friends, etc.
> 
> .


Thanks so much. Her therapist tries to tell me that she makes such comments primarily because she trusts me more than others. She can be in a room with family, but the minute I walk in the door, her smiles stop. I ask her when she's in a good mood what I've done, and the answer is just "what do you mean?"

So, I've never raised my voice, and certainly never hurt her. Always open the door. Try hard to treat her like she likes. She once told me that I would leave her if I really knew how much she hates me sometimes, yet she only hates me because of 'the disease' as she calls it.


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

As a woman, I find men with inner strength, such as you have shown in your life, very sexy. I would not want a bitter MIL involved in my life.

Your wife's problems are of her own making. I don't care where my husband parks - I let him have the garage every day now because he likes to park his car there. 

Counseling seems to me, what is needed here.


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