# Bait



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

My WS has a history of finding his OW on internet dating sites. We have been separated for 4 months now, and a simple google search has revealed his membership (ads, pictures, statement looking for "a LTR" (Long Term Relationship) and his status of being separated on current sites.

So, I signed up on one of those sites as a stranger from a nearby state, a few years younger than the real me, said I was divorced, and posted a few common interests like movies, riding a motorcycle etc. 

Anyway, he "bit", that is to say he accepted my request to friend him. I have others on there as well, so as not to make it appear that I was zeroing in on him. His message was that he had a backseat (motorcycle riding) available if I was interested. I replied that he has a nice bike (from the picture of him) and that yes, I was interested.

Obviously, I can't give him a phone number as he will know my voice, but I wanted to know how he approaches his OW, what he says about his Wife, and what specifically he is looking for in regards to a relationship, all in writing in private messages between the fake me and himself. 

Any thoughts? Suggestions? I feel that I'm saving money on hiring someone else to do what I can do, but obviously there will be a point in time when I will have to fall back on this effort, as this fake me can't exchange phone numbers or speak to him or ever really date him. I just want to find out how far he will go to pursue another woman on a dating site and what he will say or offer to persuade OW to date him.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

may I ask what your goal here is?


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

I would not do this. He can find out it is you through your numerical ISP, if he is savvy techwise.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

survivorwife said:


> My WS has a history of finding his OW on internet dating sites. We have been separated for 4 months now, and a simple google search has revealed his membership (ads, pictures, statement looking for "a LTR" (Long Term Relationship) and his status of being separated on current sites.
> 
> So, I signed up on one of those sites as a stranger from a nearby state, a few years younger than the real me, said I was divorced, and posted a few common interests like movies, riding a motorcycle etc.
> 
> ...


Are you together, separated, attempting R, gathering evidence to break up? I agree with AR's question - what is your goal?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> may I ask what your goal here is?


Honestly, I don't know specifically. To see what he says to OW? One goal was actually to read his profile, see who his other "friends" are, where they are located, what they say to him, etc. I had to sign in as a member to view this information. But, since I was there, I wondered just how many of these OW are actually in contact with him.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> I would not do this. He can find out it is you through your numerical ISP, if he is savvy techwise.


He's not tech savvy at all. I believe he is completely unaware that I found him on a google search, and would not be inclined to join in that sort of thing on my own.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

survivorwife said:


> Honestly, I don't know specifically. To see what he says to OW? One goal was actually to read his profile, see who his other "friends" are, where they are located, what they say to him, etc. I had to sign in as a member to view this information. But, since I was there, I wondered just how many of these OW are actually in contact with him.


my question is more related to what you want to accomplish here, R or D? Because gathering info is fine and dandy and can help sometimes but you already found out he is dating during separation so I wonder what you gain by what you're doing.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

golfergirl said:


> Are you together, separated, attempting R, gathering evidence to break up? I agree with AR's question - what is your goal?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We are separated, not living together. A part of me wanted to reconcile, but he sees nothing wrong with his behavior. I was hoping that the reality of me leaving would show him how serious I was about his infidelity. He is a narcissist and can't seem to grasp how all this has affected me.

I have 4 months worth of cell phone records indicating his communications with at least 5 OW on a daily basis (all local enough for him to visit); an actually visit to one in another State and evidence of at least two EA. It's his belief that EA's don't count, and he denies "doing anything" with the one that he visited.

So, I'm sort of in emotional limbo, gathering information and waiting for upcoming court dates and to see how he response to life without me.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

survivorwife said:


> Honestly, I don't know specifically. To see what he says to OW? One goal was actually to read his profile, see who his other "friends" are, where they are located, what they say to him, etc. I had to sign in as a member to view this information. But, since I was there, I wondered just how many of these OW are actually in contact with him.


I baited a cheating BF back in the day. There was a damsel in distress he was always doing yard work for who had moved away. I had found an email between them where they spoke of him giving her a back rub when she was here. I made a Hotmail account using her name as email addy and asked stuff about me (we were looking at houses together and had been dating 3 years). He dismissed me, said he was looking at houses and just asked my opinion. He told 'her' that if 'she' still lived here they would be in a relationship. 
I then toyed with him, 'she' picked a fight with him, threatened to forward their conversation to me. He squirmed for a few days and by then I had enough and kicked his a$$ to the curb. Three times he tried to get back together with me and three times I loved turning him down. He has been alone ever since, lost his job in law enforcement and is pumping gas. He's diabetic and had a heart attack. And I'm remarried with two beautiful boys and looking better than I did 8 years ago when I was with him.
Be careful what you find out - though robotic and methodical, it still hurt like a b!tch.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

survivorwife said:


> We are separated, not living together. A part of me wanted to reconcile, but he sees nothing wrong with his behavior. I was hoping that the reality of me leaving would show him how serious I was about his infidelity. He is a narcissist and can't seem to grasp how all this has affected me.
> 
> I have 4 months worth of cell phone records indicating his communications with at least 5 OW on a daily basis (all local enough for him to visit); an actually visit to one in another State and evidence of at least two EA. It's his belief that EA's don't count, and he denies "doing anything" with the one that he visited.
> 
> So, I'm sort of in emotional limbo, gathering information and waiting for upcoming court dates and to see how he response to life without me.


this is what I was getting at


what more do you need? How much torture and pain inflicted upon you by him will it take to detach yourself from him? It's obvious that it is over, isn't it, so why are you digging to hurt yourself more? What more do you need to understand him, he's not going to do what you need to be married to him.


have you read the 180? I highly suggest you read it and implement it.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> this is what I was getting at
> 
> 
> what more do you need? How much torture and pain inflicted upon you by him will it take to detach yourself from him? It's obvious that it is over, isn't it, so why are you digging to hurt yourself more? What more do you need to understand him, he's not going to do what you need to be married to him.
> ...


:iagree::iagree:

How much more proof do you need to see he's not vested in the marriage? whats enough for you?

I'm sorry that your going thru this...


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

If you were in a bad marriage to a controlling husband who monitors all your phone calls, that would be a great reason why you couldn't outright call him or speak on the phone immediately. This may keep your fish on the line longer to see how he acted with the OW. Let the lies and revision of history begin.... 

I'm just saying....

I am sure the rest of the members here are right though, this isn't healthy for you.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Gathering info for the courts if you're divorcing is one thing, but don't play games by impersonating other women just to see what his pick up methods are. You won't be able to unlearn those things, and if you should ever reconcile, you will have those unpleasant memories as well as what you already do know...


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> I would not do this. He can find out it is you through your numerical ISP, if he is savvy techwise.


How much can an IP address show? And how much authority would you need for each level of knowledge?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If you are done with your mge, in sep., and probably heading to D---why are YOU doing this

Do you just want a bigger heap of misery---if he is gonna mess around with other women, such as the 5 he already has been with---he doesn't wanna wife, he doesn't wanna be married---so let all this go---get your D and move on

In stead of all this time you are putting into trapping him, which will get you more of what you already have---why don't you start doing the things necessary to moving on, and starting a new life

If your H., is a sh*t, then he's a total sh*t, wish him well in his sh*tty life, and you start doing things for YOU!!!!!!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Survivor, I'm like you. I like knowing as much as possible. That includes to be able to piece together a psychological profile....well as best as possible.

I do have limits though. One would the legality, health and safety and cost. Do you have any close friends who would have the guts for this. How about a starving actress who could use a few extra bucks. For now, can't you take it to instant messaenger?

just be careful.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

survivorwife said:


> I have 4 months worth of cell phone records indicating his communications with at least 5 OW on a daily basis
> 
> So, I'm sort of in emotional limbo, gathering information and waiting for upcoming court dates and to see how he response to life without me.


 Then stop communicating with him. He is toxic and will never be marriage material so you're saving yourself from this sinking ship. Move on. Write him off and start getting your own life together.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

this feels like it will be really unhealthy for you.

let it go. you have your answers.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I'd leave it alone and him alone. Time to move on. It looks like he has and I'm very sorry.

He is NOT worth fighting for.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> this is what I was getting at
> 
> 
> what more do you need? How much torture and pain inflicted upon you by him will it take to detach yourself from him? It's obvious that it is over, isn't it, so why are you digging to hurt yourself more? What more do you need to understand him, he's not going to do what you need to be married to him.
> ...


I know in my brain that you are absolutely right. I've been doing quite well most of the time. I suppose that, after 28 years of marriage, it is sometimes hard for me to accept that he doesn't recognize what he did to derail the marriage, and that he isn't sorry for what he did. That's the part that sometimes makes me wonder.

Most of the time I am doing well. I like my new home, my employer is on my side, I have friends and family to support me, I keep active and am enjoying the freedom and I do not maintain contact with my WS. He no longer controls me, but one thing I recognize that I am unprepared to do is date others or in any way move forward into another relationship out of fear. So maybe part of me wants to learn what the heck he is doing and how he is able emotionally to let go of our past and move on. Therein lies the part of me that is having difficulty.

I hope that made sense.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

survivorwife said:


> So maybe part of me wants to learn what the heck he is doing and how he is able emotionally to let go of our past and move on. Therein lies the part of me that is having difficulty.
> 
> I hope that made sense.


yes it makes sense

we all want answers to why we got cheated on and betrayed etc


but most of the time we don't get those answers

and I am fairly confident you will not get those answers using the method of entrapment


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

"They" say that you should wait one month for every year you've been married, before you'll be mentally ready to date again.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

survivorwife said:


> I am unprepared to date others or in any way move forward into another relationship out of fear.


Fear of what?



> So maybe part of me wants to learn what the heck he is doing and how he is able emotionally to let go of our past and move on.


You already KNOW what he is doing. Any further contact is just twisted torture. Let it go. Learn to love yourself despite what he did.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

who are "they"

are "they" the same people who are out to get me?!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Survivor, I don't want to sound too new-agey, but if you put your energy into negativity, then negative energy is what you get back. It feeds on itself and grows.

I'd so much rather see you putting that energy into yourself.

Either way, I hope your weekend goes well.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> who are "they"
> 
> are "they" the same people who are out to get me?!


Nah, AR, those are the Mods.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I have a neighbor friend who is 76 years old. her husband cheated on her early on in their marriage. So they divorced and she has been alone for over 30 years because at first she couldn’t trust another man, then she didn’t want another man in her home, and then it was so normal for her to be without a partner, she just didn’t need one anymore. 

I know this is not your situation. Just don’t sell yourself short. At some point you have to let it go and move on. It may not seem like it , but there are some good men out there. 

Don't let fear get in the way.

It doesn't seem right that the WS is the one having all the fun.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

turnera said:


> "They" say that you should wait one month for every year you've been married, before you'll be mentally ready to date again.


She was married 28 years...2 1/2 years without a date? That, to be is a very long time. 

It's great the OP has emotional support with friends and co-workers.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

being alone > being with someone who is abusive/unfaithful


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> He no longer controls me


I think it's apparent... just from the creation of this thread... he still controls you. I'm so sorry.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

AR, YES.

Mejor solo que mal acompanado...Spanish proverb, it is better to be alone than in bad company.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Already Gone said:


> I have a neighbor friend who is 76 years old. her husband cheated on her early on in their marriage. So they divorced and she has been alone for over 30 years because at first she couldn’t trust another man, then she didn’t want another man in her home, and then it was so normal for her to be without a partner, she just didn’t need one anymore.
> 
> I know this is not your situation. Just don’t sell yourself short. At some point you have to let it go and move on. It may not seem like it , but there are some good men out there.
> 
> ...


That's so true. It's just difficult for me to get out of that mental "marriage mode". I've been faithful to one man for 28 years. And yes, over the years I have been flirted with, but in my mind I was married and would not have even thought about responding. I'm just so used to being married and off-limits. Now that I am technically no longer off-limits, I'm thinking to myself "now what?" But, as others have pointed out in this forum, I trust that I will open up when the right person comes along.

In the meantime, I will follow the advise of the wonderful and helpful people here and forget about "baiting" my WS for insight. I do have to admit that sharing my thoughts here and opening up the discussion has helped me to weigh the consequences and taking advantage of other people's experiences does help tremendously.

I don't know what I would do without you all to assist with your input, both the gentle and the brutal.  :smthumbup:


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> How much can an IP address show? And how much authority would you need for each level of knowledge?


There are literally hundreds of unique identifiers on every electronic communication.

If you are emailing him from the hookup site it may not be *easily* traceable, just don't make the mistake of thinking it never can be traced. But if you are emailing him from a different email address (on your computer) it will have that PC's ID.

Also, you've been MARRIED. He will catch on because he knows you, the way you talk, type and communicate.

Unless you are a character actress, you won't be able to do it for long and I fear you are obsessing over this -- which always leads to making mistakes.

If I was separated and my H was putting up profiles, I would move on. Please take care.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> There are literally hundreds of unique identifiers on every electronic communication.
> 
> If you are emailing him from the hookup site it may not be *easily* traceable, just don't make the mistake of thinking it never can be traced. But if you are emailing him from a different email address (on your computer) it will have that PC's ID.
> 
> ...


But he would have to know her computer's IP to know it was her, would he not?

Not suggesting she do this but IP's are private and unless he has access to that computer, how can he prove it's her with a random IP?

Anyway, survivorwife, the only way I could understand doing this is if you wanted to firmly close the door on this man and if seeing the depths of his betrayal and deceit would help with that, then maybe it could serve a purpose. Although, I think it will most likely cause more pain than it was worth but in a way, I get where you are coming from.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Zanna said:


> But he would have to know her computer's IP to know it was her, would he not?
> 
> Not suggesting she do this but IP's are private and unless he has access to that computer, how can he prove it's her with a random IP?
> 
> Anyway, survivorwife, the only way I could understand doing this is if you wanted to firmly close the door on this man and if seeing the depths of his betrayal and deceit would help with that, then maybe it could serve a purpose. Although, I think it will most likely cause more pain than it was worth but in a way, I get where you are coming from.


Yes, and if she ever emailed him from her PC then he has it. I'm not saying he does but that he COULD.

I just don't want it to backfire on her.

I understand the wanting to know. I also agree it will be painful.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Yes, and if she ever emailed him from her PC then he has it. I'm not saying he does but that he COULD.
> 
> I just don't want it to backfire on her.
> 
> I understand the wanting to know. I also agree it will be painful.


Where is the IP located in an email? Just curious.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Zanna said:


> Where is the IP located in an email? Just curious.


Its in the header.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My dad cheated on my wife, moved out cos she wouldn't quit her job and be his full time maid. Found out he could only get divorced older women with kids to go out with him - not the fantasy Playboy life he thought he'd get. So he asked to come back. Mom refused.

She spent the rest of her life alone - and LOVED it. She said it was the best decision she ever made.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

I agree with the other posters, why are you doing this to yourself?seems like your just prolonging the agony, get rid of this two timing peice of crap and focus on yourself, and getting over this. Really sucks that your going through this. Had to take a break from this site for a while, all this cheating just makes my blood boil.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Yes, and if she ever emailed him from her PC then he has it. I'm not saying he does but that he COULD.
> 
> I just don't want it to backfire on her.
> 
> I understand the wanting to know. I also agree it will be painful.


Just to clarify, this is about a website, where one can obtain a user name and password, and communicate by message *within* the confines of the site. No emails.

It would be the same as sending private messages here. Sure, the website owner and/or moderates can "see" IP addresses, but generally don't release that information to members, unless there is a breach of the rules here or by court order. The members of the site itself can't see each others IP addresses in a simple communication.

I did my "homework" in regards to these potential communications before I signed up, but I certainly appreciate the concern here in regards to him finding out that the new girl was me. 

Edited to Add: And the new girl no longer exists and has been removed on advise from my fellow members here...lol


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> who are "they"
> 
> are "they" the same people who are out to get me?!


No "They`re" a different "Them".

Pay attention!!


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

survivorwife said:


> We are separated, not living together. A part of me wanted to reconcile, but he sees nothing wrong with his behavior. I was hoping that the reality of me leaving would show him how serious I was about his infidelity. *He is a narcissist and can't seem to grasp how all this has affected me.*
> 
> I have 4 months worth of cell phone records indicating his communications with at least 5 OW on a daily basis (all local enough for him to visit); an actually visit to one in another State and evidence of at least two EA. It's his belief that EA's don't count, and he denies "doing anything" with the one that he visited.
> 
> So, I'm sort of in emotional limbo, gathering information and waiting for upcoming court dates and to see how he response to life without me.


 
You were hoping that the reality of you leaving will show him how serious you are? Narcissist dont even see things straight like that because it is all about them not you. So he will be having a good time enjoying the seperation and making the comments he is making to strangers online just like he is doing.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> Just to clarify, this is about a website, where one can obtain a user name and password, and communicate by message *within* the confines of the site. No emails.
> 
> It would be the same as sending private messages here. Sure, the website owner and/or moderates can "see" IP addresses, but generally don't release that information to members, unless there is a breach of the rules here or by court order. The members of the site itself can't see each others IP addresses in a simple communication.
> 
> ...


Just making sure you weren't developing some kind of persona to draw him out. That would have eventually led to you exchanging emails and etc., etc. ....presumably up and until the "gotcha" moment. For whatever that may have been worth to you...

I would just hate for you to get caught up in something like this, emotionally, and have it turned around on you.

My thoughts are with you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

At the moment, you know he is a nasty, lying narcissist. 

And after your espionage efforts you will have found out that he is... a nasty, lying narcissist.

Sometimes it's good to confirm our suspicions. But sometimes not.

I think your situation is probably a 'not' situation.


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

28 years? I'm betting you have been a stay at home mom. Go to a doctor. Complain of each and ever pain and problem you have ever had. Get in writing from the doctor how you cannot work and will never be able to function at any meaningful gainful employment. Then file for divorce. Let the SOB support you for life. Let him be kicked to the curb. Don't do anything fraudulent. Your posts suggest that this is all valid and will just require professional documentation. 

If he insists on making the sham of a marriage work, insist on a post-nup that gives you his ba--s if he messes up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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