# How do I let go???



## outennis (Nov 13, 2012)

My partner and I have been together for 5 years. Doesn't know if I'm the one, doesn't believe in us. Says that there are a few reasons, I don't understand boundaries, and am to controlling plus is having issues w/ her identity as a female dating men or women. I put everything I have into this relationship, my heart and soul, everything. I loved this person more than life. I'd do anything and she would for me too. The love is there, passion, best friendship, everything... 
At first it was give me space, now it's I don't want to be w/ you. She went on her 4date last night, kissing and holding hands were going on. 2 weeks ago, things were good w/ us. I'm 37 and she's 45. I hear I really like him, etc etc. 
I can't let go and give the space. I break the boundaries, show up at work, cry, want to be close, etc. 5 days ago we were sleeping in the same bed. She was laying on my chest and very cozy. This just doesn't make any sense. I'm completely upset. Don't know where to turn as she was my best friend and all i really needed n this world. Her family was my family. 
I just need to know how to break away, stop calling, txting etc. 
It's torture. I just want her back and us happy. I kept yelling and crying to God this am (not that I'm religious at all) but trying to understand why i'm getting the living crap kicked out of me, when I'm a great person. Work hard, do things for others, take care of her and my family. Why can't I be happy, why can't my life be like i believe it was going to be if she was going to give me 100%. 5 days ago we were saying if we were together what we'd do for ea.other for xmas. This is not the first time of this go out and date someone else happened. it was 6 months ago she did it and 18days later came back to me. However it was a long distance relationship, one date, no connection, etc. This time it's much different as it's 7 mins away from her house. Pls help me... Thank you


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Have you ever heard of the book "Codependent No More" by Melanie Beattie?

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself: Melody Beattie: 9780894864025: Amazon.com: Books


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

outennis said:


> At first it was give me space, now it's I don't want to be w/ you.


Look, unless you want to be seen as a stalker/stage-5 clinger, you need to seriously let go. She has already told you straight up: 

*SHE DOES NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU.*
Read that over and over and over again until it sticks.

Because doing THIS is losing you major points:



outennis said:


> I break the boundaries, show up at work, cry, want to be close, etc


Ew. Yes, I said EW like a 5-year old. Because think about it: what if you dumped someone and they had so litte self-respect that they were calling you and showing up to your job (YOUR JOB!!!) crying like a 3 year old. Can you imagine? You'd want to hide under a desk, feeling embarassed for them. Also, it'd just reaffirm why you did not want to be with them. 



outennis said:


> I can't let go and give the space.


You can. You are just choosing not to. Word to the wise: you will never begin to move on/ahead if you keep in touch with her and keep following her around. 



outennis said:


> I just need to know how to break away, stop calling, txting etc.


You do it by.... NOT calling and tedxting! Delete her from your phone, Facebook, email, from your life.

BE DONE.

If she asks you why you're being distant say "You wanted to break up so this is what happens when you break up. It's not fair to want to string me along as your "friend" when you made it clear you and I do not want the same things."

RESPECT YOURSELF.


----------



## legiox (Sep 2, 2012)

It's hard outennis, but you need to do what jellybeans said. 

When my STBXW moved out of the apartment and our first MC session failed, I asked her if she wanted to make it work. She said no. After signing the separation agreement 1 week later, i totally cut her off from my life. Facebook, Phone, E-mail, you name it. Only time i had contact with her was purely on business related subjects, ie: transferring utility bill to my name and such. It was hard and i missed her so much (i still do some today), but it was the best decision i ever made. I can say to myself I'm moving on with my life.


----------



## itsaboutme (Nov 12, 2012)

i am dealing with this same deal. I cant seam to move on but i have to. How do i cut her out of my life when we have 4year old child together. How do you handle that? Thnks


----------



## outennis (Nov 13, 2012)

Yeah, I understand I'm pushing her away further and further looking like a freaking idiot... But she's my best friend, lover, partner etc. My life basically. There are no kids etc involved. But I can't stop crying. I went on meds 6 months ago when she pulled this the first time around. I'm still upset, the emotions dont' go away. Pain is large and upsetting. trying not to think about things is hard. I keep thinking how can she be this way one day and next bye bye. easier to move on when you have someone else on the side... 

She said she'd only come back if it doesn't work with anyone else or realizes i was the best lover/partner....


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

itsaboutme said:


> How do i cut her out of my life when we have 4year old child together. How do you handle that? Thnks


You do it by ONLY discussing co-parenting issues with her. Limit your interactions to that only.


----------



## itsaboutme (Nov 12, 2012)

ok, we also still have a custody battle and a house to seperate... sucks.

here was what i posted,, pry too long nobody wants to read my sob story.... lol

Its amazing to read these stories and to think that you are not talking about my relationship with my fiance when it comes to EA and infidelity.
I dont know where to start and dont want to bore with mindless details, but i dont know any other way to explain. 

dates 4/05-1/07

We met 8 yrs ago in our last few years of college, her 3rd or 4th year my 7th. We moved in together 6 months later, and engaged within 1.5 years. after we graduated i received a Graduate School opportunity but we had to move to midwest from the west coast. I told her that I would not be willing to do a long distance relationship and if she did not want to go then we would call of the engagement because I was not willing to try another LD relationship after a previous failed. She agree to move and we did. During this time her mother is against us living in midwest and her moms support for me and my family deteriorates, as mine did too for her. we were there for essentially 1.5yrs and i finished my masters degree. 
(during first month of the relationship i used cocaine on regular basis and she did not like it but stayed, used marijuana 24/7 for 6 months and drank on most days that end in Y. Her on the other hand is a saint. Does not use drugs at all on regular basis. She smoked marijuana 1 or 2 times while intoxicated with alcohol, she has never been a user of any sort. She hates ibuprofen. We had a 2-3 alcohol related incidences over jealousy on my part. I believe they were warranted like most EA people do. I can explain later if you want? there was 1 instance in which she did not tell me the truth about a previous relationship and she was communicating and hung out with this guy a few times as "friends". I am the jealous guy due to previous damages and it does not help matters when you are not telling the entire truth and i find out later, consequently i would question where she has been, go through her phone and act like a complete phycho) 

1/07-4/08

still not married 2 years in the relationship she becomes accidentally pregnant. I say accident but she quit taking the pill months prior so i should say careless, i was aware she was not on BC. Her initial thoughts on being pregnant was she was leaning towards and abortion, there was a lack of support from her side of the family, she had part time teaching making 20k a year i was essentially seeking a job at the time and I had to essentially talk her into having our child based on these circumstances: I was not in support of an abortion and that adoption could be considered, I gave her and our unborn child my word that i would never leave them and I would take care of them forever, I would be the best dad/husband i could be and that we were in this together, the three of us. shortly after she/we decided to keep our child i received a job offer but would require us to move to a south texas and live in a town that is on the texas/mexico border. not the most desirable place to live, with the money I was going to make she did not have to work, we purchased a brand new home in a well off neighborhood with 24 hour gated security, swimming pool, pond, play structure..... HYPERLINK "http://www.labotaranch.com" Homes for Sale in Laredo, Texas at La Bota Ranch Realty Home Sale or Purchase So off went
(during this time i used not drugs of any sort, still drank on a regular occasion and our fights stemmed from her loneliness from home and her family vs Me as i perceived it and as she perceived it ME vs her family)
4/08-6/10

Roughly 3yrs into the relationship we are still not marred. we buy a brand new 4 bedroom 2100 sq ft house, have a healthy child and live in the "horrible" border town, I liked it she hated it. During the 2 years in the ranch we had numerous friends that were in same situation as we were, stuck there because of jobs and none of us or our final destinations as families. One thing all the girls in the neighborhood shared were they were all stay at home moms. All of guys were friends and we would BBQ, spend holidays together, birthdays etc,, in my opinion our relationship was the best it was ever, we walked the neighborhood, talked, communicated well and did everything together, thats all we had. She believes i think that because i had her isolated from her friends and family and could cont4/08-rol her with money and time. I dont know, i might have?? We had fights and most of them were over her wanting to go home all the time and spend 2-3 weeks at a time with our child away from where we live. I hated being away from my child for that long and i was constantly bugging her about her whereabouts due to my lack of trust in her. I believe i was being ridiculous in not trusting her and I am very ashamed and embarrassed i did that. She was going home about every other month 2-3 weeks at a time. In my opinion her family was brain washing her because every time she came back to our border home, she grew more negative about our life there every time, spoke about how she hated there, and was more irritable every day we were there. Her dad never came to visit, mom came when our child was born and when we move back to west coast, sister came 1 time when we were there to help us move back to west coast. I believe that I was wanting to keep her away from her family during those visits because she would go for 2-3 weeks at a time and only take our child to my families house for 2-3 nights. I felt like she was trying to keep our child from my family as she was feeling i was keeping her from her family. We talked about getting counseling and never did just moved on with un resolved issues.
(still no drug use of any kind but my alcohol use is still high, on avg i say 4 days a week i drink. Our alcohol related incidences are very few and not major that i can remember, i dont get plastered every night but i do like to drink my beer My trust with her is at its peak and only carries over for the next 2 years). 

6/10-Present

I promised her that if I could get a job back in our west coast state that i would, something i never wanted to do but i would do it for my family. Roughly 6 years into relationship we are still not married and we are moving back to our home state with a new job that will allow us to live in my home town and about 2 hrs from hers. I doomed it to be trouble and was worried we would not make it. The job i was promised fell through but the company gave me a different role in the business but not the one i originally accepted. This was frustrating because it forced me to work more to earn less than the original amount i was promised. We had a hard time getting financed for a home and consequently we were living at my parents house for an entire year. I dont believe that she ever truly supported me in this theory about being screwed at my job and it did wear on me, i never told her that till i blew up later. She also promised to get a full time job when we got home and she did not. She did start working but it was not on a full time basis and money was tight. Fortunately when i was 12 I received a lump settlement of $112,000. I wanted to invest the money into something but was forced to put 50k on our house to afford the financing (something i did not want to do, wanted to stay around 25k, we joked about a prenuptial agreement and she refused so i always wiped if off as a joke) we also invested about 30k in a remodel job at the house that it had to have because the house was unlivable when we purchased it. The house itself was not really what i wanted but after a year of looking and living with my parents anything would have done. During this time as well i struggled with happiness in our relationship and I struggled with my relationship with my son while her relationship with our child flourished. I never thought about leaving, we talked about counseling and essentially did nothing just moved on with un resolved issues. 

While remodeling our house we id not agree on anything and were constantly not being able to agree on anything. We move into our new house memorial day weekend 2011. We have never been the same since. We have steadily drifted apart to form of we have not slept in the same bed in months, we dont communicate, we dont want to hang out with each other and overall we are roommates with a child. We moved into our house Memorial Day weekend 2011. I believe it is because we no longer appreciate each other and we would rather spend our time with friends on my behalf and on her part her family or a new set of friends i dont even know. 

in summer of 2012 I noticed her staying out late after her job, not every day but staying late. She said she was staying with coworkers having drinks. i never checked because i didnt want to be controlling and not trusting, I was never invited for the most part because she get off late as late as midnight and not come home till 2+am. I did not even question her. this went on 5 or 6 times during the summer. then she decided to start her masters degree late in the summer august 15th to be exact. The fall time i typically work 7 days a week due to my job. She had classes on thursday nights untill 9:40pm is what she said but she was really done at 9:20pm- she would then go to the library till between 11pm and 12pm about a six weeks into the semester i noticed she was not home yet and it was 11:57pm. I will remember that feeling the rest of my life. I called her and she answered and attempted to small talk me. I repeteadly asked her where she was and who she was with. She told me she was at the library and i didnt believe the library was still open, When i did believe her about the libary i didnt believe she was by her self. She admitted she was not by her self but would not tell me who she was with and hung up on me. What typically takes 15-20 min at midnight took her 40 minutes to get home. When she got home i freaked out. Accusations of cheating, who is he, blah blah blah, said some hurtful things. She proceeded to tell me that she was not cheating on me that she ran into a “young guy” that she knew from work. She made this guy out to be 21 and just starting at college. Not believing her i threw all of her clothes out the house, took the car keys from her, kicked her out of the house for the night and was overall down right wrong. The next day she takes off to her parents house for the weekend and left me behind thinking that I am all in the wrong and I screewed up. Well to make matters worse I find out over the next week or so that he is not a young, aquantance from work. He is about 2 years younger than her, which makes him 27, they didnt just run into each other at the library, in fact the went out to dinner the week before which she told me she was with her group from school, and she was planning on attending a halloween party that weekend which i really was not invited too and she did not look like she was wearing much to the party in the size of the tutu she brought home. There all kinds of just deleted history on our computer and no explanations for missing dates on it. I thought it would make me better if I spoke to him and I did but it was too late. he lied to me about dinner and so that makes his story not credible at all. 

Hostile Disengagement-traits she shows
This is how she is acting right now and its not her
She is cold
Sarcastic
New activities and interests
not working and there are problems
not happy
not willing to even try counseling for our relationship
not future commitmets other than child custody
disinterested on things at home
spend no time together even when i beg 
She has said that she likes this guy but nothing happend. She has yet to sit down and tell me the truth. Everything i have found out has been because i have caught her in little lies. When she says she is telling the truth she is just only half of it. I have to probe her because she say says i didnt ask...


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ItsAboutMe--you should stick to your own thread so as not to confuse/hi-jack this one.


----------



## itsaboutme (Nov 12, 2012)

sorry


----------



## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

outennis said:


> She said she'd only come back if it doesn't work with anyone else or realizes i was the best lover/partner....


Well that means you are her plan B you deserve better than that. Even if she comes back, she won't be there long. Maybe a few weeks or maybe a few months. She has shown her true colors to you twice now. I know it hurts like hell right now, but it's better to get it over with now instead of hurting yourself over and over again and that will happen if you take her back. I am 3 months into my separation and I am finally having some good days. It still hurts like he'll most days, but I am getting better and so will you. Keep posting it does help. And know that everyone on here truly care about you and will do everything possible to help you.


----------



## outennis (Nov 13, 2012)

I spent some time w/ her yesterday, thinking about the old times etc. I know that she doesn't want to let me go but is having difficulty with the identity of who she wants to be with. She keeps telling me that she needs to miss me in order for us to ever work out. I'm always there, every second. Like i said, she's my life, my home, my family.


----------

