# Struggling here



## lostinil (Jul 10, 2017)

My wife and I have been together for 11 years, married almost 5. I am 37, she is 35. No children (that is part of her concerns)

During our marriage, I started to focus on drinking more than her. I see that now. She felt neglected and our sex life dwindled. She didn't feel, and probably wasn't, my priority.

Skip ahead to earlier this year. She sat me down for the divorce talk. I love you, but not in love with you. I was devastated. She agreed to trying counseling (somethign she had suggested in the past and that I dismissed). Since she was soon to be out of town for work, we scheduled it for when she returned. 

While she was gone, she slept with a coworker that she was having intimate conversations and cam sessions with. THey work in different states, so I am positive this was the first time. I discovered it after our counseling session, and while she was on the road again. I don't know if anything continued physically, but I suspect that it did. He is married as well. She has told me that they haven't talked, and I have no reason to not believe her at this time.

I have been trying so many things: I quit drinking (why not earlier, I was asked), have been working on listening better, etc.

Anyway, once we got through Feb, we started seeing the counselor weekly. Sometimes together, sometimes individually. Last month, she stopped going. She said that she has clarity and wants the divorce still. I have been able to get a month long reprieve on that, and we are currently separated. She said that she will keep an open mind, but I am fearful that this won't change anything. I moved out Saturday, to my parents.

I want nothing more than this marriage to work. I fear that we can't work on things while separated. I am at a loss. I've lost 35 lbs. since Feb. SHe means so much to me. I have read every book I can get my hands on, and left them around the house. I keep hoping that she will find her way back but I don't know how to help that....


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

She's gone, let her go. Just start working on yourself and make you the best man for the next woman. You can't recover from the resentment, neglect, and infidelity. This relationship isn't worth saving. This is the honest truth and you know it. Sorry.

You need to stay in therapy. Figure out why you can't let go of a cheating wife that doesn't love you. This isn't all your fault.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

she could have left or divorced you long ago but didn't.

don't buy her re-write of history now. she quit counseling because she wants to go after her affair partner.

dump her like a bad habit. sure, you made some mistakes for your part. live with the knowledge it may have contributed to her choices, but at the end of the day, she owns those choices and is just another dirty skank cheater.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

It doesn't matter how much you want the marriage to work. She doesn't. If her words aren't plain enough her actions are.

She already considers herself single.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

She decided to take action and sleep with someone even while you were trying to work on the marriage. This shows what kind of person she is, if she can't have what she wants she'll go get it no matter who she has to hurt to do so. You don't really want to be married to someone like that do you? It might be best to let her go and concentrate on doing better with your next relationship.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She's gone. She may decide to come back eventually or she may not. Don't sit around waiting on her to choose you. The best thing you can do is respect her wishes, work on yourself, and rebuild your life.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

lostinil said:


> My wife and I have been together for 11 years, married almost 5. I am 37, she is 35. No children (that is part of her concerns)
> 
> During our marriage, I started to focus on drinking more than her. I see that now. She felt neglected and our sex life dwindled. She didn't feel, and probably wasn't, my priority.
> 
> ...


The best you can do at this time is to be strong. Don't beg and plead with her. Don't cry and appear weak. The harder you try, the more she will disrespect you and lose her love for you.

Be the person that she would want to be with. Be confident. Move on. Work out. Show her what she is missing. People want what they can't have.

Your only hope is to move on. Let her know that you love her and want the marriage, but then give her the space she says she wants. Work on yourself and hopefully, before the divorce is final (or even after) she realizes what she is missing or you realize you will be fine without her.


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## InspiralImplode (Jun 13, 2017)

"I love you, but not in love with you." The kiss of death. As others were telling me... this means an affair is already happening or is imminent. As in your case... a prime example. 

Sorry to hear. I don't know what to tell you. I like what SadSam has to say.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

It is a sad evolution of marriage when a spouse can say "I'm done, I dont love you" all the whilst they are fornicating with someone or planning to, not even waiting for divorce
to be initiated in court.

there's a good legal as well as moral reason to wait until divorce is official or at least till it is on the books pending all the court hearings and legalities.

your wife did this. Do you really want someone so morally bankrupt?

You drank too much. You ignored your wife. Took her for granted. This is your shame.

Let it be your life lesson and move on. Easy for me to scold when I'm no better than most.

but that's the truth as I see it.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

During our marriage, I started to focus on drinking more than her. I see that now. She felt neglected and our sex life dwindled. She didn't feel, and probably wasn't, my priority


I would like to present an alternative narrative to the one in this thread by the posters.

Well there you go, this came first (above) before the adultery and the ILUBNILWU speech. She hung in through it all then crossed the point of no return and made sure she put the final nail in the coffin. 
I am sure she told you many times she felt neglected, you drank too much, she was not your priority, etc etc. You did not listen, now you are in this place.

This is an exit affair

Please, the next woman you have in your life, treat her well and listen when she 'nags'


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

What you experience is what a woman does who wants to let you down easily and give you hope so that you do not blow up and make an ugly scene. First comes the counselling, but people rarely change who they are and their personalities. Then the separation so she can see her boyfriend whenever she can. During the separation she uses you as her safety net in case things do not go as planned. Once she is comfortable that you are not needed, the divorce comes. When I was in the military and in combat my best friend told me that m fiancee was cheating on me. I had to wait 6 months to get back home before I could talk to her face to face. She wanted to go to counselling and maybe stop seeing each other for awhile. I told her where to go, got my ring back and never saw her again. While it was devastating to lose my fiance who was with me for 5 years, 6 months before our wedding, it was the best thing that I ever did in my life. She ended up pregnant from one of the guys she had sex with but does not know his name or which one it actually was. No DNA testing back in those days. She went on to become a drug addict and after rehab developed mental problems from all the LSD she was taking. She hears voices till this day. She married and cheated on her husband. She divorced him to marry a woman. She is a mess and if not for me just cutting her loose, I would never have met my wife of 45 years who is the best thing that ever happened to me. 

This reminds me of an old joke with a message. A man is on vacation and calls his brother who was babysitting his cat, to find out how his cat was. When he asked he was told that the cat dies. The man was devastated and berated his brother for not breaking it to him slowly over time. He suggested that his brother could say that the cat went on the fire escape and fell. Then next time when he was called he could say that the cat was at the vet and was doing OK. The next time he could have said that the cat took a turn for the worse but there still was a chance that he could make it. Finally on the fourth call he could have said that the cat did not make it and died in his sleep. The brother agreed that he could have broken the bad news in stages so that it did not come as a big shock. The vacationing brother then asked how mom was doing and his brother said, she went out on the fire escape, fell and .........


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

aine said:


> Please, the next woman you have in your life, treat her well and listen when she 'nags'


I was with you right up until that last line. I'll also do a rewrite.
Please the next woman you have in your life, treat her well, listen. And when she Nags, get her out of your life.

There is really no point in trying to convince OP that it is all his fault. He already believes that, (erroneously) He is better advised to see the signs and red flags sooner.


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