# She feels I'm not compatible as a husband.... and something doesnt add up.



## febsu (Jan 4, 2014)

We've been married for 3 years... I'll try to keep this short but informative at the same time.

1st year was great and we felt very close. 2nd year and 3rd year I wanted to focus on my music... really really hard. I've progressed like crazy to the point where I thought I could start something for myself and my wife (she is into music as well)

About 3 weeks ago she told me how she felt about us and she said that she doesn't feel like "we're married". She wants us to go to an open relationship. And she plans on moving out. My first reaction was fine BUT only because it was my first time experiencing this...

A few nights later I got my first heartbreak (and yes she is my first). As horrible as it was I did not want to give up on this at all because my love is still strong for her....

..but the reason why she made this decision was because for the past 2 years she's been playing her part as a wife very well..

- she was affectionate
- responsible 
- committed

And I never was any of those ESPECIALLY showing affection to her.. I would be really mean, I would hurt her and say things I dont mean to say.. Everything that I've done to her eventually led back to me and I feel like she had every right to feel this way..

I also found out she held her feelings for 2 long years while doing her part.

Another sad thing.... she likes someone. She recently started working about a month ago and that someone opened her eyes by telling her she should make herself happy first. They are emotionally attached in a way however no relationship has started as far as I know.. and she tells me that she feels connected because he understands her and I don't.

She's been dependent on me to make herself happy she told me.... She also told me "Yes things would have been MUCH different" had I treated her well.

Now here is something about her that I thought it may have affected her the way she was thinking about all of this - 

- she never grew up in a normal family
- she's been abused in the past to keep her mouth shut
- did therapy for 1 year for depression
- she's been treated bad by her exs before and got cheated once
- she isnt religious thus seeing marriage isnt a big deal to her or sacred anymore BECAUSE of our marriage I think...



Despite of all of the bad things that i've listed above, we still live together in the basement in my folks house. One day I decided to man up and told her

"ok you want your space and your independence back, you better move out and we should go through divorce" 

Her reactions were not what I was expecting... she started being quiet and started tearing up... I calmly and nicely asked her whats wrong... and she said shes afraid of going through divorce. Even afraid to go out there and live by herself.

She told me the future is uncertain for us. She still thinks I'm a special person and feels close to me. The FACT that she told me about the guy the she likes at work... should mean something...

Right now she even *ALLOWS* me to touch her or put lotion on her butt (from time to time we do that) she *ALLOWS* me to *KISS HER *on the lips.

Can someone tell me what is going on??? Are these good hints or bad hints?? Do I still have a big chance???

I'm willing to commit and she told me it will take time for her to develop her feelings again for me... which hurts a lot... what hurts more is that this guy she likes works with her and drives her to work and drives her home.

Sorry for the long post... I've been seeking help and all of which I've been getting from all of this is very foggy and uncertain.

Also its been 3 weeks since this has happened. I'm better than before but still hurt... because it doesnt make sense to me. Everyday I'm slowly asking her questions and figuring out what she really wants because she isnt very clear at times... but here are some new thoughts and answers I got from her//

- she doesnt want to commit into a relationship with anyone, not even the guy the she likes nor move in with him
- she wants me to do casual dating
- she wants her music to progress and her independence back or have her own space ( we live in basement)
- she talks to the guy she likes on fb a lot
- she didnt tell the guy she likes we are married because she told me she didn't feel like we were...
- she said that if she moved out and there is a chance she would LIKE me to move in with her
- she is confused between me and the guy she likes...
- she would like me to tell her if I'm getting into a relationship (if I do casual dating and it gets a bit serious) and I would like her to tell me also
- she feels like if we go to marriage counselling she thinks it'll go my way and she has suggested this to me after our first year of marriage but I was stupid and stubborn to ignore...
- she told me if she didn't love me as a person she would have left long long time ago.. right now we love each other as close friends and we've agreed that nobody can take that away from us.. even if we're divorced.. (which is my worst nightmare)


Also found out some of her views and standards in a relationship..

- making out and kissing only when you're in a relationship
- having sex is very serious to her
- she even told me I can't go too crazy with sex if I do get serious with my casual dating (why would she even care at this point?)
- she doesnt abandon people she meant abandoning me 

Thank you so much for reading this...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Your relationship went south and she kept quiet about it, doing the slow burn to fizzle out. She now has a new love and it's this guys she wants. But she wants to keep you around in case it doesn't work out with the other man.

Are you okay with this? Do you want an open marriage? 

If not, you need to man up and tell her other man has to go. She has to find a new job and have No Further Contact with the other man at all ever. But she won't do that, she okay around and pretend, she'll argue and try to get you to let her have everything her way...cause she has to figure things out you know...

So then you start divorce proceedings, which is the ONLY way to get her to see you as a man with limitations on the foolishness he will put up with.

If you want this marriage, you're going to have to risk it all to keep it. Otherwise she will continue to play you and end up tearing you down into a shell of the man you once were.

Might want to post in the CWI section to learn the cheaters script and how to deal with it.

Oh, one last thing... Total Bull that she hasn't slept with they guy... Don't believe that for a second.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Your marriage is 99% over.

Your wife is clearly "in love" with the new guy. However, she started that relationship on a lie (that she is single). So she has woven the proverbial web of deceits and half-truths, and has painted herself into a corner. I'm of the opinion that people who can compartmentalize their life like this, live the "double life", are not LTR material.

At the moment, she is cake-eating. She has the comfort of your "married" home-life, whilst she lives like a single person.

When your wife tells you that she wants you to date other women, that's a huge red flag. The reason she wants you to date is so she can assuage her own guilt for screwing another man.

Why are you tolerating this?

The only chance you have to save your marriage is by filing for D. This might jolt her out of this fog. If she wants to stay married, then she has to cut all ties with OM, which means she finds a new job.

Have you told OM that she is your wife?

Only three years in? No kids? Let her go. She's not into you.

Go get some IC. Learn about relationships. Read. From what you've described of years 2 and 3, no woman will want to stay with you unless you change.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

The advice given by Pink and Three Strikes is spot on. Your wife has checked out and your marriage is gone. Its almost impossible to save at this stage so spare yourself some long term grief and let her go now.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Agree with all others

You are "Plan B" at best and she is practically chuck holding you by discussing her new boy toy with you.

While I am not an advocate of open marriages, it can work if both want it. It doesn't sound like you do and it seems she just wants to be with you if her other relation doesn't work out

Man up! File for divorce and learn from your past mistakes and find a woman who only wants a relationship with one man at a time

No kids, LOTS of previous issues = time for the two of you to move on and get something better out of life

Good luck!


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## febsu (Jan 4, 2014)

Thanks for the replies guys.

The reason why we don't have kids is because our priority was music first...

anyway I've actually learned and still trying to that happiness starts with myself first..

It's strange I found that out watching a video about how to deal with breakup or getting over someone. What I've dealt with her when I was torn was exactly how she felt during those 2 years. She was dependent on me and I was dependent on her when I was torn.

Anyway I'll see how this runs, thank you so much for the replies, it means a lot..


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## Daisy2714 (Sep 22, 2013)

febsu,

I can only say two things. First, ditto to what everyone here is saying to you. She is probably already sleeping with him and she is definitely hanging on to you as plan B. Please cut your losses and move on. You guys are still at a point where you can have an amiable divorce. In a couple of months, that won't even be true. You will despise each other. 

Two. It sounds like you are still not ready to believe it's over. You still hope there is a way to reconcile. Let me say this loud and clear... IT'S OVER. 

The one and only chance you have to reconcile is to insist that she change jobs, and end ALL contact with the other man. She will not do that. Let me say it again. Unless she is willing to change jobs and end contact, you need to file for divorce and move on with your life. 

Take the blame for your part, learn from it, and and don't repeat those mistakes next time. Focus on you and spend some time gaining confidence in who you are.

My best to you. I'm so sorry you are at this point.

Daisy

BTW... if it's the movie I'm thinking of, they didn't reconcile. That may not be a happy ending but it's much closer to real life.


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## febsu (Jan 4, 2014)

thanks daisy2714 and everyone who spent their time reading the long post....

Definitely learning to move on, I know it'll be hard but whatever happens i'll accept it.


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