# Do you hold back or win in outside activity?



## Robert_1985 (7 mo ago)

When you are doing an activity with your Young children that involves physical maturity such as arm wrestle, relay race, outside sports, etc, do you dumb down to their level, or do you win?

It feels wrong when I am in a foot race with my 4 year old daughter, or challenging her to an arm wrestle, and I just completely blow her out of the water. She is a small child, of course I can’t expect for her be able to actually win fair and square. But it also feels condescending (if that’s the right word) to dumb down my ability so she win. 

When you are playing outside activities with your children that rely heavily, if not 100% on physical maturity such as height, strength, weight, or even just knowledge, what should the end result be?

Should you win? should the child win? How do you deal with this?

I think you in advance for your responses


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

When your playing with your kids that’s what it is, playing.
I teach both my kids self defence, if I don’t work at their level they won’t be interested in learning.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

ILOVEmyFAM said:


> When you are doing an activity with your Young children that involves physical maturity such as arm wrestle, relay race, outside sports, etc, do you dumb down to their level, or do you win?
> 
> It feels wrong when I am in a foot race with my 4 year old daughter, or challenging her to an arm wrestle, and I just completely blow her out of the water. She is a small child, of course I can’t expect for her be able to actually win fair and square. But it also feels condescending (if that’s the right word) to dumb down my ability so she win.
> 
> ...


If I'm playing something outside with one of my little kids I will let them win most of the time. Even my 6 year old hasn't picked up on when I (or my wife) slow down for him to let him win. He gets pissed when he loses or someone else cheats, but that's life and something they need to learn as well so they can't win all of the time.

For me, letting them win often depends on their participation. If they aren't participating well or are ****ing around, I won't let them win. It doesn't teach them anything.

For example, if I'm playing chess with my 6 year old and he plays well, notices my "mistakes", and makes good moves I will let him win. If he makes the wrong choices when I know he knows better, then I don't let him win.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Handicap.

Chess for example I will spot one or more pieces like a rook, a knight, both?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

ILOVEmyFAM said:


> When you are doing an activity with your Young children that involves physical maturity such as arm wrestle, relay race, outside sports, etc, do you dumb down to their level, or do you win?
> 
> It feels wrong when I am in a foot race with my 4 year old daughter, or challenging her to an arm wrestle, and I just completely blow her out of the water. She is a small child, of course I can’t expect for her be able to actually win fair and square. But it also feels condescending (if that’s the right word) to dumb down my ability so she win.
> 
> ...


Basically, under 6 years old, you let them win some of the time. 
After 6, their wins need to be authentic, but you don't humiliate them when they lose.
You show them why they lost so they can learn and make it harder for you next time.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

ccpowerslave said:


> Handicap.
> 
> Chess for example I will spot one or more pieces like a rook, a knight, both?


Handicapping is the approach I always used. Play left handed, start race from twenty yards back, things like that. I think it would take a real jerkoff to use adult size to dominate their kids in fun activities.

PS....can we still use the term hadicapping?


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

jonty30 said:


> After 6, their wins need to be authentic


I agree with this. You have to be careful in letting them win after the age of 6 because they will become use to winning and won't take losing well. I have a grandson who, when playing board games, will run off and cry when he is losing. BTW, he is 13. They don't live near us so I don't get to have much influence over him. It's a shame that his mother is turning him into a snowflake and my son is letting it happen.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Let them win when they are very small. My children, especially my son used to love games like matching pairs when they were about 3. I used to let them win the majority of the time but occasionally I would make sure I won so they wouldn't think it was all about winning. Did the same when playing games with grandchildren.
A little running race with a 2 or 3 year old? Yes let them win. Just run slowly!


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Cooper said:


> PS....can we still use the term hadicapping?


I’m comfortable with it.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

when my kids were small i did a combination of both depending on them needing to learn something or not. Things like foot races or sports I went to their level and made sure we had a lot of laughs and fun doing it. Sometimes I would pretend to trip or something so they could feel they really won.

As they grew older the focus changed. One time one of my daughters who was about 19 (I was early 50's) at the time and a multi event track and soccer athlete (went to Nationals for hurdles) was bragging she could beat me in a race. We are about the height and she has long legs. We were at the beach at the time so I accepted. The race came right down to the wire when I gave her a slight nudge to throw her off step and I won. She still complains I cheated and we have a good laugh.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I used to let them win some games and let them lose some games. My husband has a hard time letting them win, it has help them getting comfortable at losing and getting competitive as well.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

It really all depends on the mood of the moment and what game. When my daughter was much younger, we would play Lion King and of course Mufassa always wins against Scar 😁.

But as she got older, things change a bit.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I work in Early Childhood and we are always taught NOT to let a kid win because they will expect that to happen with others, and won't learn to deal with frustration, which is an important skill. They will grow up expecting they will always win. We also don't play a lot of games based on winning or losing.

It's important to pick games or sports your child is developmentally ready for though. So if they are 2, they aren't ready for chess or organized baseball games, but you could teach them and practice with them how to throw and catch. When they are at the age where team sports are developmentally appropriate, which is sometimes as late as 6 if they are still developing their impulse control, then you can work with them on skill building but I still wouldn't really lose on purpose. Maybe set the teams up so they are fair, and have equal number of adults and kids if you are also playing? And if you are in a foot race with a 4 year old, I almost would give them a few seconds head start to be fair, because their legs are so much smaller!

My son HATED losing and was terrible at it until he hit 6 and a half, by which time he could adapt to that. He has ADHD so developing that impulse control was SUPER important to me for him to learn. We win some we lose some, and playing the game our best is the most important thing. Preparing them too for competing with themself is good too - have them work towards improving THEIR performance rather than aiming to BEAT someone else. If I had just let him win, he wouldn't have experienced all that social and emotional growth. You can't raise kids who throw a tantrum every time they lose in their 20s still lol


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## Acacia Avenue (Oct 21, 2021)

Always Learning said:


> when my kids were small i did a combination of both depending on them needing to learn something or not. Things like foot races or sports I went to their level and made sure we had a lot of laughs and fun doing it. Sometimes I would pretend to trip or something so they could feel they really won.
> 
> As they grew older the focus changed. One time one of my daughters who was about 19 (I was early 50's) at the time and a multi event track and soccer athlete (went to Nationals for hurdles) was bragging she could beat me in a race. We are about the height and she has long legs. We were at the beach at the time so I accepted. The race came right down to the wire when I gave her a slight nudge to throw her off step and I won. She still complains I cheated and we have a good laugh.


Male privilege on full display


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

Acacia Avenue said:


> Male privilege on full display


LOL, When she brings it up I still tell her well I won!
Its about 7 years ago and we are headed back to the same beach where this took place in about a week, Maybe Ill take up the challenge again.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Depends. When he was tiny, of course. Now that he's bigger, he and his dad "wrestle" and his father doesn't always let him win. They have to be careful to stop before anyone gets mad. Usually they pretend to be mad or hurting each other so Mom will fuss, then they giggle cause Mom is all torqued up. 🙄 😂

As far as things like chess, my son's pretty good at that stuff. It's about half and half. Any more, if we play board games, whoever wins, wins. We like to have contests like, who saw the first sea turtle, who saw the first shark, who saw the first deer, depending on where we are and what we're doing. I let him win because I'm the Mama and that is my prerogative.😎🥰 He and his father compete evenly.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

No mercy.

I destroy my children in competitive activities. No participation trophies here. 

Sometimes I'll talk trash to them as well to teach them what an asshole sore winner is. 🤣

Life is about losing most of the time. Seems like society has forgotten that. Having someone dumb themselves down so that you can succeed isn't really succeeding at all. It's patronizing. 

I look forward to the day that my kids destroy me in a race. It will feel so good for them. You really can't appreciate winning unless you've lost many times.


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## Robert_1985 (7 mo ago)

LATERILUS79 said:


> No mercy.
> 
> I destroy my children in competitive activities. No participation trophies here.
> 
> ...


But if you are having a really race, your little one challenged you to an arm wrestle, you are playing a little game of basketball or frisbee, or you are just playing a simple board game against a toddler. They literally have no chance unless you dumb yourself down to their level in someway. So do you mean I should just destroy my little girl in every single arm wrestle? Every single foot race? And not give her a chance? Like someone else commented, I would be using my adult size, strength, or weight advantage over my kid.

Put yourself in a four-year-old shoes. You are trying to have a fun relay race against your parents, but you lose literally every single time because you are around 3 feet tall and can only lift around 10 pounds. Your having a competition against someone who is twice your size. How would you feel if you literally always lost to someone who has an advantage over you in every single way and they never even took the time to see that you are trying your absolute hardest., just to end up not even coming close to having a chance? What’s the point of even trying to have a fun competition or play a game against someone if you NEVER EVER WIN, I mean your opponent is clearly way bigger and stronger than you and has way more knowledge, why would you even try?

That’s why I think you should dumb your self down and meet them at there level, 

I feel like the ” no mercy“ tactic isn’t very fair
But I also don’t want to just give them the win

Is that WHat you are saying? I should just not give them the slightest chance? I feel like that’s just kind of mean 😀


I want to balance everything, it just feels wrong to beat them all the time but it also feels wrong to Play dumb.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Lol if your 4 yr old daughter wins against you in an arm wrestle 😅 of course you let her win!

I do both for my teen, I don't make it too easy as to make my daughter feel that I'm letting her win, but of course I let her win. Sometimes, she genuinely surprises me and wins fair and square.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

ILOVEmyFAM said:


> But if you are having a really race, your little one challenged you to an arm wrestle, you are playing a little game of basketball or frisbee, or you are just playing a simple board game against a toddler. They literally have no chance unless you dumb yourself down to their level in someway. So do you mean I should just destroy my little girl in every single arm wrestle? Every single foot race? And not give her a chance? Like someone else commented, I would be using my adult size, strength, or weight advantage over my kid.
> 
> Put yourself in a four-year-old shoes. You are trying to have a fun relay race against your parents, but you lose literally every single time because you are around 3 feet tall and can only lift around 10 pounds. Your having a competition against someone who is twice your size. How would you feel if you literally always lost to someone who has an advantage over you in every single way and they never even took the time to see that you are trying your absolute hardest., just to end up not even coming close to having a chance? What’s the point of even trying to have a fun competition or play a game against someone if you NEVER EVER WIN, I mean your opponent is clearly way bigger and stronger than you and has way more knowledge, why would you even try?
> 
> ...



Words on the screen don't do a good job conveying sarcasm. That's my fault.

I do things in moderation, but in all seriousness, I do lean much more towards not allowing my kids to win. I fully understand letting toddlers win. They aren't old enough to understand yet what is going on. 

By the time my kids were 6, the winning for them stopped. I believe they understood what was going on by then. 

Why did I destroy them in a foot race? Why were they 14th place in Mario Kart every single time? My advice? Get Good. 

The big thing here though is that I explain to them what is happening. I explain to them that I am much bigger, much stronger, much faster because I've been doing these things for YEARS well before they were ever born. I want them to understand what "experience" means and so far, they have been understanding it because I take the time to explain. 

I see my children trying their best. They know they are going to lose if they attempt to compete with me in things that I am good at, but I've also taught them that won't last forever. There will be a day that they are better than me, especially when they continue to put in their best effort. I also teach them to pay more attention to their peers. That is their comparable competition. Their peers are the ones that have the same level of experience. 

As far as talking trash to my kids, I only do it in jest. We like to rag on each other for fun. Again though, I do teach them that they will lose a lot in life. Much more so than when they win, and yes, sometimes losing comes long with sore winners. They need to be ready for that and not let it get to them.


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