# Going to separate in a week.



## Anontwix (Apr 22, 2014)

Long story short here since I am already at the step of getting a separation.

July of last year my wife and I had an incident and she asked me to leave, I flipped, raged, and left. I stayed at my parents house for a day and came back the next day. 

She went to several sessions of counseling and had asked that I go to a counselor as well. I went to one for 2 sessions and quit. Her counselor emailed me saying that both of us need to stop talking about the relationship as it is for a certain amount of time. This was hard for me to do, naturally, so I stayed at her parents house for a week to cool off a bit. During that time we text and communicated of course and she had invited me over for dinner and one thing led to another, and then I went back to her parents house. She said she missed me at the time so I came back.

A couple of weeks later I saw on her phone that she had a sexting session with my former boss on the same day I went to MY parents house. I was distraught and I confronted her about it immediately. She appologized about it, sincerely, and she said it would never ever happen again and it never got physical and she would never do it again. I believe her. 

I asked her to go to a couples counselor and she said ok and we went for 2 sessions and he got too expensive so we stopped.

Fast forward to now. 

We were doing better in December, I went through an anger workshop and learned to deal with my anger in a healthy way.

I recently changed jobs in January but managed to snag up a part time job, working from home, in addition to my new full time job. My plate was very full and I admit, I spent a hell of a lot less time with her and my daughter.

March 2014 she filed for divorce. Her complaints being that I tend to go back to my old habits after being great for a week and that I never have time for her. I severely cut back the hours I work from home to spend more time with her and my daughter. 

Here are her complaints:

My trust in her is not healthy. I explained to her several reasons why. 
I tend to be a child and not a man. I don't take initiative, I don't help around the house as I should without being asked. 
I get selfish.
I talk a big game and more often than not, don't do what I say.
I have bad memory (she doesn't care about the fact that I have it, she cares that I don't go and see why I have bad memory).

I completely agree with her on all of these things and I suggested a separation instead of a divorce, after reading a lot about how good they can be. Of course, I read the bad as well so I know both sides of the spectrum. 


A little background about how I grew up:
My parents did not show me love. I was always downgraded of my successes and told that I will never amount to anything. I was always put down, called names, my father was in the army and was constantly deployed, so I lived with my mom. I was always afraid of her so I never let out my emotions around her, or at all. I suppressed a lot of them.

A little background in general:
I admit it, when I started dating my wife in 2006, I felt smothered by her love and didn't know how to handle it. Now that it's gone, it hurts me. 
She still lets me cuddle her on the couch, I still give her foot/leg/back massages every once in a while. We are very civil.
I always saw her as attacking me when she was really complaining. 
I always criticized her and I shouldn't have. 
My anger was a huge issue. (name calling, criticism, yelling) Never physical, and I know emotionally it hurts just as bad.



Here is my plan, and I wanted to ask for opinions:

We do the separation. 
During separation, she has agreed to go to a counselor/therapist with me. I get to choose the person. I was thinking the same counselor for the both of us, seeing us individual, and when she feels up to it, we will see the counselor together. 
I've been doing a lot of research on counselors and I think Emotionally Focused Therapy is best for my situation.
I better myself, she goes to counseling, hopefully she misses me. 

She gives me mixed signals sometimes.

Positive ones:
"Men are a holes, and when you have a good one you don't want to let go"
"I know you can get rid of your demons if you really tried"
"I never wanted a divorce, I don't want to start over with another man, I would rather not get a divorce"
I distanced myself from her one day and she became emotional and cried about it. 


Bad ones:
"I love you but I am not in love with you"
"I am 50/50 on it working. Sometimes I think it will work and sometimes I think it won't"

Not sure how to take these:
"In a perfect work I want this to work"

So is the separation a good idea? We are going to lay down rules. As far as the divorce papers go, she emailed the lawyer and put it on pause, and said that depending on how things go in a couple months, she will cancel it. 

I feel as though she is giving me this one chance to prove myself. She said she doesn't want me changing myself completely, she just wants me to be myself but learn how to handle my emotions and control myself.


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## Anontwix (Apr 22, 2014)

I was also wondering if there are any good recommended readings for people who are separated. Something that can open up my eyes as to how women think, open my eyes, give me suggestions?

I read the love languages as well as the 7 principles to making marriage work. 

Since I will have more free time I want to use it to my advantage and be the best husband I possibly can be.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Uh. You ARE divorcing right?

Your posts SCREAM affair, in which case it does not matter. Just detach.

She went underground. Sorry.


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## Anontwix (Apr 22, 2014)

As of now, no, not divorcing, just separating and going to counseling. I start Monday, not sure when she starts.

We will be seeing the same counselor, just as individuals for now. Then we will move on to couples counseling, instead of having to reiterate everything to a new counselor when the time comes.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Honestly, I suspect that separation will be just one step closer to divorce. She was already sexting someone while you're married. Odds are not good she'll keep her zipper done up if you're not around. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Simple warning you are going to dismiss but i gotta try to warn you.

This separation is to make her cheating easier without you around. Ive seen it here 100 times before.

Then you are going to have what we call mind movies where you see in your minds eye another man spewing his load inside your wife.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

VAR up the house and her car.

Just stop listening when you hear your wife get busy with the om. It will mess you up even worse but at least you will know she is cheating.


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