# Making a mountain out of a mole hill



## Softpantsfound

I just have to ask for thoughts from someone/ anyone on the following;

Married 33 great years.

In the spring, my wife went on a business trip with a male colleague. It went well, the conference was a success and all was well.
The first oddity, was that my wife sent me a risque selfie, that had a timestamp around noon.

2nd, she returned home on a Thursday afternoon. When I arrived home from work, she was doing the laundry. The oddity is that for years, saturday morning is laundry time, and is usually a joint effort.

3rd, about a week and a half later, i went to my dresser to get out my routine evening soft pants, aka pajama slacks. i pulled out a pair i had never seen. They werent new, very nice quality, and were very long, but still fit.

4th, we have a large extended family that regularly gets together and asked all the men, young and older if they mistakenly left them. Really, only my son and son inlaw are tall enough to wesr them. None claimed them. I started to wuestion internally where they could have come from.

5th, about a month and a half later, they disappear from the house. The last time I saw them, they were washed and folded, sitting on the laundry table.

Now, here is my concern. The male business trip cohort, is very tall. He comes into town once a month. 

Am I nuts for thinking something occurred?


----------



## happyhusband0005

Something seems fishy with the pants, there is some smoke, How is you relationship?

Others here will have lots of Sherlock Holmes advice to see if there is any fire.

There is the option of asking her. But others will have reasons not to do that so you will need to make that decision.


----------



## BarbedFenceRider

Red flag....

What are your ages? How has the intimacy in your marriage been for the last few months? Any new changes as well? What about conversations with her in general? Any coldness, or just indifferent back and forth?


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11

Check her phone- the device and call records. The phone will tell you everything.


----------



## TJW

Softpantsfound said:


> Am I nuts for thinking something occurred?


No, you're not "nuts". This many markers is probably not some kind of coincidence.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Check her phone- the device and call records. The phone will tell you everything.


Yep and DONT ask her any questions and tip her off. Get into that phone.


----------



## Softpantsfound

We have had typical up and downs, but we are best friends and truly do love one another. We havelost several family members due to health or sge in the past 2 years and we have really slowed down intimacy. Weeks can go by without. 
We do seem to just be...
I wouldnt say indifference, but maybe just there, with routine interaction.
As i think about things, oddities iver the years have occured.


----------



## manfromlamancha

As others have said, way too many red flags to ignore. How long has she known this colleague? What ages are we talking about (you two and the colleague)? Does she keep her phone close to her, secret etc ?

When you get access to her phone, find out how many times she calls him, texts him etc and snoop into all her messaging apps. Do not confront until you have more. You should have hung onto those lounge pants. Presumably you showed them to your son so you have proof that they existed and then disappeared.

Did you show her the pants or ask her about them?


Any new lingerie that she has that you have not seen yet? What does she/you do for a living?

Kids living with you?

Is the colleague married? Does he have kids? Do you know him? His wife? His kids?

Any history of this type of behaviour (even before she married you)? More info needed.


----------



## BigToe

Definitely red flag territory. I suspect the colleague was successful at more than just the conference.


----------



## SunCMars

I assume you are both in your late fifties, early sixties.

She may be having worrisome end-of-life thoughts.

Your kids, if any are out on their own.

You are in a marital slump and not having meaningful intimate relations.

She may be old but she ain't dead. 

Going on a business trip with a male colleague gives the opportunity, especially if the OM is attractive and attentive.
.........................................................................................................................

Just a question: Is she using any female HRT?

On any new trip check what she puts in her overnight bag. Especially, lube or estrogen cream.

........................................................................................................................

Think about it.

You are a lady near sixty or more. You are not experiencing any intimacy in your marriage.
Another man, a trusted work colleague comes on to you.

You are alone with this man for a few days. Dinners and lunch with him...yes.
After dinner entertainment?

An end of life chance, her last chance at love is available.
Having one more chance at holding one more friendly, familiar, naked man close to her body.
She knows these opportunities are fleeting and rather rare, right?

A man that cuddles up to her, kisses her passionately, sees her as women, not a long term old wife, just another aging Grandmother.
Her having a man that is willing to go down on his knees to get her.
While on his knees, he could give her an oral dissertation.

It likely has been ages since she got one of those.

The pressure to misbehave could be overpowering. 

Good for her, worrisome for you.
.................................................................................................................................

Just a thought.

The fact that she sent a racy picture at noon, tells me that she had sex on her mind and at that early in the day.
Was the OM in the room at that time?

Was she sexing herself up, mentally and physically preparing herself for some later passionate activity?
Or were they doing a lunch time quickie?

Question: When she came home from 'that' trip did she drag you into bed? Or was she cool, as usual.

I would put your detective hat on. Check her electronics.

Hire a PI to follow her when she is gone for hours at a time.
Or days at a time.


----------



## Softpantsfound

This analysis is strong and I am having to reassess.
We are late 50s, she is on a therapy, and I am an idiot.
Thank you all for the insights.


----------



## Softpantsfound

The racy picture observation....i knew it was out of the norm, didnt think of it like this though.


----------



## MJJEAN

Softpantsfound said:


> The racy picture observation....i knew it was out of the norm, didnt think of it like this though.


Has it crossed your mind she might have sent you that pic accidentally and it was actually meant for him? 

Everything you describe leads me to think your wife likely had a fling, if not a full blown affair.

Red Flags:
Recent loses
Low/no sex w spouse
Indifference/complacency
Sudden sexy texts (likely to be "oops" texts)
The unexpected washing of laundry producing strange men's clothes

Were I you, I'd start stealth checking her electronics. Look for deleted texts, apps like What'sApp, games (most games erase conversation after logging out and many are used so those in affairs can talk to their AP's without a chat log) etc.


----------



## GusPolinski

Softpantsfound said:


> I just have to ask for thoughts from someone/ anyone on the following;
> Married 33 great years.
> In the spring, my wife went on a business trip with a male colleague. It went well, the conference was a success and all was well.
> The first oddity, was that my wife sent me a risque selfie, that had a timestamp around noon.
> 2nd, she returned home on a Thursday afternoon. When I arrived home from work, she was doing the laundry. The oddity is that for years, saturday morning is laundry time, and is usually a joint effort.
> 3rd, about a week and a half later, i went to my dresser to get out my routine evening soft pants, aka pajama slacks. i pulled out a pair i had never seen. They werent new, very nice quality, and were very long, but still fit.
> 4th, we have a large extended family that regularly gets together and asked all the men, young and older if they mistakenly left them. Really, only my son and son inlaw are tall enough to wesr them. None claimed them. I started to wuestion internally where they could have come from.
> 5th, about a month and a half later, they disappear from the house. The last time I saw them, they were washed and folded, sitting on the laundry table.
> 
> Now, here is my concern. The male business trip cohort, is very tall. He comes into town once a month.
> 
> *Am I nuts for thinking something occurred?*


Nope.


----------



## uhtred

I'm not seeing the scenario where the PJs fit in. If they were a "trophy" she wold have kept them secret.

Also, to me "PJs" and "wild sex" don't really go together. 

Not saying nothign is goign on, but I don't see how this fits together.


----------



## SunCMars

Soft pants?

Many men lounge around in them, even in a hotel.

It is not 'classy' to walk around in your underwear with your lover.

The PJ's may have been soft, the item they covered likely not.

On her doing the laundry when she got back...
That in itself is not unusual in itself. 
She may have needed some of those items for the upcoming week.

Or not..

Dirty laundry is soiled laundry.
The question becomes, with what?

Keep sleuthing.
Do NOT let on that you are suspicious.

If you tip your hand too early you are doomed to never knowing.

Never knowing is such a terrible spot to be 'in'.

The truth must be discovered. 

Plan for his next 'visit' to town.

Set her up. Allow her freedom to meet up with him.
Do so by being out of town yourself.

Or, at least being out of the house [on your own] for most of the days he is in town.

Let a PI, private investigator tail her tail. 

Do you know when he is coming to town next?

Try to find out without sounding the alarm.

She may 'tell' you that she has an appointment to go to during his next visit.
That will be your clue.

Does she use her calendar function on her smart phone?
Look and study all entries. 

Look for phony descriptions.


----------



## SunCMars

Look into buying two voice activated recorders, VAR's.

Put one in her car under the seat.
One in the house where she usually makes calls from.

Read the instructions with the recorders.
Practice with them before putting them into service.

Best Buy sells them. Buy one of the better Sony Models.
Use lithium batteries.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

Itching and rash creating powder put in the pants may have been a good thing.

See who gets a rash 🤨🤨🤨


----------



## MJJEAN

uhtred said:


> I'm not seeing the scenario where the PJs fit in. If they were a "trophy" she wold have kept them secret.
> 
> Also, to me "PJs" and "wild sex" don't really go together.
> 
> Not saying nothign is goign on, but I don't see how this fits together.


Between the ages of 18 and 24 I think half my sweats, jammies, and oversize comfy t-shirts came from men who either stayed over at mine, I stayed over at theirs, or we shared a hotel room.

Trust me, PJ's and wild sex do go together.

Imagine you're having an affair with a co-worker. There is some good chemistry there. You're away together on a business trip and finally have a chance to spend some time alone, in a hotel room, without the usual time constraints and worry of being caught. You can explore each other in new ways, physically and mentally. You can experience each other in delicious new intimacy, see each other in a way not many people have seen you, lounge around in comfortable clothes, laughing, talking, whispering secrets, touching, and eventually rolling around having wild monkey sex.


----------



## VermiciousKnid

You know the deal my friend. You're just looking for corroboration. Everyone here is giving it to you and so will I. I've been a divorce lawyer for decades. I've heard very similar stories 1000 times. I assure you that your wife is cheating on you.


----------



## TAMAT

The issue is much more that many affairs start out as mole hills, which the OM skillfully turns into a mountain.

My guess is that this OM sounds like a serial cheating dude who uses his position in the company to make connections with females at various branches. He may even have enough influence to arrange for who goes on field trips with him. His height makes him more attractive to women which makes it easier for him to work fast.

Keep quiet and snoop.

Tamat


----------



## SunCMars

MJJEAN said:


> Between the ages of 18 and 24 I think half my sweats, jammies, and oversize comfy t-shirts came from men who either stayed over at mine, I stayed over at theirs, or we shared a hotel room.
> 
> Trust me, PJ's and wild sex do go together.
> 
> Imagine you're having an affair with a co-worker. There is some good chemistry there. You're away together on a business trip and finally have a chance to spend some time alone, in a hotel room, without the usual time constraints and worry of being caught. You can explore each other in new ways, physically and mentally. You can experience each other in delicious new intimacy, see each other in a way not many people have seen you, lounge around in comfortable clothes, laughing, talking, whispering secrets, touching, and eventually rolling around having wild monkey sex.


Thank you so much!

We think alike on this subject.
I could write a novella on just this scenario.

Love is so fleeting.
We often think about our youth, how we let some really good opportunities for love "get away".

As we get older we never want to make the same [mistakes :|].

Some hungry people will jump at infidelity if given a chance.
Especially, if the chances of getting caught are slim to none.

Lonely people love intimacy beyond a reasonable need.
The greatest gift two people can give each other is love and intimacy.

I saw this over and over on drill weekends with the Army Reserve.

Of course, these are blasphemous thoughts on this blog, TAM.

[deleted]



THRD-


----------



## ConanHub

Do you really have questions about this OP?

Are you for real?

You have blatant silver platter stuff happening and walk around oblivious to eventually post on this forum?

You are posting from Egypt or simply swimming the same river in your mind.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Softpants, 

have you noticed any thing else in your wife...either maintaining distance from you sexual or otherwise, especially when she got back? have you seen her pass code her phone, use it a lot, have you seen her recently exercising, or trying new activities without you. I won't lie, you may uncover something that you don't want too.


----------



## BarbedFenceRider

So, two thoughts that come to mind here....

1. Older I get, I can STILL have sex! And I plan to keep that promise. lol

2. 7 year itch now turns into 27 year itch....Just WHEN can one feel safe in a marriage these days????

I agree. We now see red flags and since you have taken a back seat in this relationship, its time to right this ship and come about! You need to be IN her pants constantly! Show up at her work. Take her out of the house, have long exhausting conversations about what you feel and what she wants...You may be surprised.

And finally, you need to keep your head about and not let on about the man trousers...Keep the secret. And get that phone checked out. As well, you need to record in the car and tap your line...Get the info you need now. Lets see where this goes.


----------



## manfromlamancha

I agree with the suggestion that you should have soaked the PJs in itching powder.


----------



## uhtred

I guess to me robes can be sexy, but PJs are sort of dull. But that aside how would she have wound up with his PJs, and why would she not have either thrown them out or hidden them. 



MJJEAN said:


> Between the ages of 18 and 24 I think half my sweats, jammies, and oversize comfy t-shirts came from men who either stayed over at mine, I stayed over at theirs, or we shared a hotel room.
> 
> Trust me, PJ's and wild sex do go together.
> 
> Imagine you're having an affair with a co-worker. There is some good chemistry there. You're away together on a business trip and finally have a chance to spend some time alone, in a hotel room, without the usual time constraints and worry of being caught. You can explore each other in new ways, physically and mentally. You can experience each other in delicious new intimacy, see each other in a way not many people have seen you, lounge around in comfortable clothes, laughing, talking, whispering secrets, touching, and eventually rolling around having wild monkey sex.


----------



## manfromlamancha

uhtred said:


> I guess to me robes can be sexy, but PJs are sort of dull. But that aside how would she have wound up with his PJs, and why would she not have either thrown them out or hidden them.


When collecting dirty laundry in hotel into a bag, his PJs find their way into laundry bag (hotel issued possibly). Laundry bag is emptied into laundry basket at home. After wash and dry, she finds them and assumes they are hubby's. Hubby express surprise at finding them. They dissapear quickly. This is one possible explanation.


----------



## BluesPower

OP, she is having an affair. It is not a fling, it has been on going. 

Question is, how long are you going to twist yourself around trying to find ways to explain it in your mind. 

Yep, she is cheating, the only real question is how much of your marriage is a lie. 

So if you are still around, talk to us...

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS????


----------



## MJJEAN

uhtred said:


> I guess to me robes can be sexy, but PJs are sort of dull. But that aside how would she have wound up with his PJs, and why would she not have either thrown them out or hidden them.


 Personally, I am a fan of the male chest and shoulders. A robe conceals that, so I am not a fan of robes other than to keep warm when it's freezing. Now, a nice pair of pajama pants that emphasize legs and butt while leaving me free to gaze upon and touch the chest? Ooooh, heavenly!

The PJ's in a hotel room thing is more about that heady relaxed sensuality. It's about lounging around, languid sensuality, and being intimate.

I've deliberately snatched a shirt or two, had a few pairs of sweats or PJ's given to me because the owner thought the idea of me wearing his stuff was hot, and I've had quite a few men's items end up in my bags when packing my things in haste. Which you do when leaving a room together because you tend to stay in bed every second you can and have to rush to be out on time.

I can't say why she didn't throw them out or hide them, but I can speculate. I've been doing laundry for a lot of years. I barely look at what I'm doing anymore because I don't need to. I spend most of my sorting, washing, drying, folding and placing into piles time daydreaming or planning out what I will be doing after. I have, many times, accidentally placed laundry in the wrong person's pile. Including when I had house guests that needed something washed real fast.


----------



## oldshirt

On Law and Order this is what would be called 'Probable Cause' for going to the judge and getting a search warrant to look for the smoking gun. 

These are legitimate red flags and warning signs that something is amiss and which calls for serious investigation. 

Investigation does not mean asking her or sharing your suspicions with her. She will simply say no and then cover her tracks better going forward. 

Investigations means checking several months worth of phone records, hacking into her computers and emails and social media (including looking for secret accounts) stashing VARs in her car (WSs frequently talk to their APs while in the car) and places she may have private conversations. 

Check her emails and txts to her girlfriends and close female relatives as many WW often have a female confidant that they share their exploits with or have as a go between that they use to communicate with the AP. 

She may have a work phone or even a secret burner phone that she uses to communicate with OM. WWs often keep secret phone hidden somewhere in the car or in their shoes/boots in the corner of the closet. 

Or if you have the $$ and want to save all that time and energy, hire a PI that specializes in adultery and work place affairs. They can usually turn up a smoking gun in days. 

Bottom line here is this is not exactly a smoking gun that 'proves' she had a tryst on that trip - but it is absolutely enough evidence to warrant a thorough and serious investigation into the probability to discover the truth.


----------



## Softpantsfound

Im here...very poor internet.
I have read all the responses and am working on some of the suggestions.
Just to be clear, and goes to show how dense I am, everyone in my family knows about the found pants. In fact most know they have gone misding.

I guess I had hoped that someone could have given me a plausible teason for the brief appearance and disappearence. It really started eating at me when I could not come up with one ( not a family members, dont do laundry at a laundry mat, etc) It was this gnawing that had me recall all the other salient features in my OP.
The last few responses about haste in hotel room dirty laundry gathering is the only reason I arrived at.
I got VAR. Her phone(work and personal) is open to me and nothing unusual found.

Afraid most will be through work pc if any exist.
Will see what comes next as I watch carefully.
Thanks for the "corroboration" I suppose. Sort of hurting pretty good internally now, and really have no one to bounce this off of.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

Definite red flags. She's got some cojones on her, returning his pants to him after everyone's seen them. And if she's never sent you a racy selfie before, doing so now is some very strange behavior. It was almost certainly intended for someone else. 

In addition to the suggestions about checking the phone bill, the VAR, etc. consider checking the mileage on the car she takes to work. Is there ever an unusual overage or shortfall? Turn on the location history on her phone and check where she's been during the day. Another thing you might consider is booking a weekend "trip" for yourself to some faraway location. But you don't actually leave town; you stay at a local hotel to see what kinds of things happen when you're gone.


----------



## jorgegene

If I had a dollar for everyone that ever said "she would never do that. It's not her. You guys don't know her like I do"
I'd be richer than Bill Gates, believe me.

Now friend, I'm not saying your wife is certainly cheating. But don't ever believe that she's incapable of it.

Pay attention to the people here and do due diligence. Don't say anything to her until you find out what's really going on.


----------

