# Wife is Angry?



## gooners20 (Jan 24, 2011)

Hello Everyone,

Let me start with the background. We have been married for four years now and will be five in april. In July my wife told me she wants get a divorce. I am still in the house and I am doing everything in my power to reconcile with her. Now the reason that my wife wants a divorce is that she feels that in the four years of marriage she was not loved, or shown that I loved her. She feels that I do not support her at all. Now I do have my faults, I am a real independent person, in the sense that I like to go to the gym, play sports, and hang out with friends once in a while. NOw when I go out with my friends I invite my wife, but she does not want to go. She does not get along with my mother. She says that I do not do enough for her and my mother to get along. Now to the support part, she feels that she cannot count on me. I tell her that she has all the support she needs, when she wanted to quit her job i said ok, when she wanted to go back to school I said no problem. I have bent over backwards for her. She says that support for her is to sit down and plan out how we are going to pay for her schooling. I told her that she should communicate that to me that I should not assume things. She is the type who needs order, a plan, while I am more handle things as they come. She says that I have turned her into an angry woman and insecure. She has been insecure for years, we have been together for ten years, she has always has insecurity issues. I have never strayed either, or given any idea of having an affair. I feel that I need to live two lives, one with her and then with everyone else. I love my wife I do. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I want to help her get through the anger she is going through. Any ideas? Thank you.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

You are already on the road to recovery if you are still home. Ask her to tell you what you want. Tell her to be as blunt as possible on what she wants.


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## gooners20 (Jan 24, 2011)

I am just scared that she will not trust me again. I tell her lets go to the movies, dinner something. She does not want to do anything with me. She says that right now the anger or mask is holding her back. I understand her frustrations, but I am trying to figure out how can I show her to trust me with her heart agaon?


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

What does she want of you at this point? Just fumble around waiting her to make up her mind? Tell her to give you a direction so you can be proactive.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Wow. This is like deja vu. Trust me, she is angry. And, yes, spending any time with her right now will NOT be fun for either of you. First things first. Get to a good marriage counselor now. Specifically one that understands that you both must be whole people and agreeable to individual counseling to prepare you for joint counseling. There is NO point in joint counseling until your wife can get past her issues. At least, that is what I am told. And, I would agree based upon the crap I've been through over the past 4 months.

She has got to find herself. Raise her self worth. Now, there are ways for you to help her. Evaluate how you live right now and find ways to help her in HER love language. Read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Helped me out tremendously. Then, hit "Building your mates Self-Esteem" by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

That being said, you are going to have to toe a thin line. While she is working through her anger, you will have to understand she will NOT appreciate your changes. You will have to do them for you. Take the approach that you are improving yourself for the future. You can not judge your improvements by her reactions because you will not get anything good out of her.

If she will not go to counseling, do these things for YOU. So, that, you will be a better person and mate in the future. You are in for a long road. It will test you.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I disagree. Joint counseling is VERY necessary.

These things are rarely one-sided. I'm sure there are things you have done that contributed to the problems.

Take a look at this statement:

"I tell her that she has all the support she needs"

Really? Does she have all the support she WANTS? Obviously not.

I'm not trying to bash you but the two of you have gotten to this point, it's going to take both of you acknowledging your issues and getting them on the table for discussion.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

For clarification- Not saying joint counseling is not needed. That would be up to the therapist. However, based on what you said, she is gonna need some individual counseling with your marriage counselor before you guys can be effective in joint. We started in joint, and your situation is eerily similar to mine. Very quickly, the therapist realized my wife needed serious individual counseling. Her words were, "How can she love you if she doesn't even love herself?"

However, I hear that some therapists will only see the couple together. I am just saying be open to one that will be willing to invest in you guys the way you need to be invested in.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Wait ... so she has felt this way since the start of your marriage?

So was, "I want a divorce." out of the blue in July, or have there consistently been problems between what she expects and what you deliver?

Whose behavior changed? Hers or yours?

If she's telling you she has never been happy with the marriage, then give her, her wish and cut her loose.

Give her exactly what she wants. See how she likes that idea ...


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## Liveeitup (Jan 24, 2011)

It seems that there is something else that's going on with your wife. Why does she feel that you don't support her? What are the things that she says you have done to make her so insecure? In my opinion, it seems your wife has it made and doesn't even know it. My husband doesn't even listen to me when I speak, and you agreed when she wanted to quit her job and go back to school. Wow. I can imagine how frustrated you must be right now? Have you asked her what you can do in order to make things better? Maybe there are other feelings there that she is not telling you about. Does she have any friends of her own. When you are out at the gym or with your friends, what's she doing?


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## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Wait ... so she has felt this way since the start of your marriage?
> 
> So was, "I want a divorce." out of the blue in July, or have there consistently been problems between what she expects and what you deliver?
> 
> ...



LOL! 

gooner...I can see why she wants out. You said you're very independent. I think you're selfish. It sounds like when you two married, you thought it was done. You have her and she has you and the two of you can go on and do whatever you want like you are two people independent of each other but living under the same roof. Did I get that right? 'cause that's how you made it sound like by your writing.

Marriage is a lot more than that. It's not just "You want to go back to school. Go. Whatever you want. Do it. I won't stop you." Why get married if that's the case?

It sounds like she wanted your input and real support. Maybe something like, "Why do you want to go back to school? What do you plan to do with your degree? Is this just to better yourself or to bring in more income for US? etc, etc." Show true support....maybe add something like, "The debt from financial aid or from money WE pay into your schooling, will WE be able to pay it back?" Just things that make it sound as though it's WE, not just you.

Also, why doesn't she get a long with your MIL? What do you say about that? Are you just shoving things like that aside or do you talk to her about it and see why they don't get along?

I agree with the others on counseling.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Moonangel is totally correct. However, this thing is 50/50. You BOTH have things to change. The question is can each of you grow, develop, and meet each other in the middle? 

Take care of yourself and become a better man. What she does is up to her.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

She either means it ... or she's bluffing.

If she means it, she isn't going to be interested in counseling.

If this has been the dynamic since they said "I do." ... then it doesn't sound like either individual had very realistic expectations or awareness of the other. If independence is categorized as 'selfishness' than all the more reason to part ways.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

"If she means it, she isn't going to be interested in counseling."

I don't think she really means it or else he or she would be out of the house. I called my wife's bluff. She is still here.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Dedicated2Her said:


> "If she means it, she isn't going to be interested in counseling."
> 
> I don't think she really means it or else he or she would be out of the house. I called my wife's bluff. She is still here.


Exactly my point. 

There flat out isn't enough information to be making some of the assumptions that have been made.


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## gooners20 (Jan 24, 2011)

As I appreciate everyones comments, I believe my wife held me to an expectations that I could not reach. She says that I would do things that made her feel second. In my eyes my wife is and always comes first. Yet I always felt that I could not make her happy no matter what I did. She wants to go back to get a because she hates her job and could better herself, which I am all for. I will call a counsoler and talk to anyone, that is why I am here now. I have been readding War and Love, Finding the Marriage You Dreamed Of, it has helped. We have spoken and this is where I finally understood that she was angry. I in reading the book I realized that I was being selfish, that I did not need her, but what about me? What about my needs? She would not fullfill me, but I never thought of quitting or giving up. I tell her that this will bring us closer and have us be more open than anything else. Please continue with your advise. Thanks


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