# Rocky Road



## Cleopatra211 (Nov 18, 2012)

First off, my husband is by no means a romantic person and he never really was. I never wanted a hopeless romantic, but it doesn't hurt every now and then to get any gesture. Anyway, We have been married since June 2011, and we were together for 3 years before that. However, we only started living together after we got married.

The first year was kind of a rocky road, but it was still a good year. Ever since our anniversary and things have been going downhill. My husband works 6 days a week from 9 to 7 and he goes out with his friends 5 times a week. On the weekends, he likes to take the dog to the park so he can play. I decided that I do not want to work even though I have had plenty of offers. I do not get bored during the day because there is so much that needs to be done with the housework, cooking, the dog and everything else. However, there is almost no time for us to talk, go out, watch a movie or basically do anything because he is either at work or out with friends. I have asked repeatedly that I would like us to spend more time together and I have been given empty promises. 

We have been fighting way more and he keeps picking fights over non-significant reasons. We had a fight last week because he was mad that I had some bags scattered around the house that i hadn't had time to pick up (and seriously they weren't really bothering anyone). Ever since the fight, we have been sleeping in separate bedrooms and we almost never talk. The only time he talked to me was to ask if iI've fed the dog or not. This isn't the first time that we slept in separate rooms; I am the one who moves out of our room and take the guest room instead. 

I finally decided it's time to talk and went to the room and told him I need to talk to you and his response was that he is going to sleep because he has work tomorrow and it was only 8pm. I did not say a word and just left the room and went back to "my" room. 

I seriously do not know how/when will this pass? Fights have been almost every other week and it's seriously driving us apart.

Before I met my husband I was always a "my pride" kind of person, but I am starting to feel like I have turned into a doormat and it is really depressing me. I feel like he doesn't respect me anymore, and I really have no idea what I could do to make this relationship work?


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

Did he agree about you not working? I only ask because that could be an issue he has, if not disregard. He shouldn't be going out with his friends 5 days a week and you're newlyweds. I also wouldn't advise sleeping in seperate beds, even when you are mad at each other.

Sounds like you need to sit him down and let him know you are not happy and your needs aren't being met. You shouldn't come second to his friends


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## Cleopatra211 (Nov 18, 2012)

He doesn't mind that I have decided not to work. If I were to work, I would join my family's business; however, I have put that on hold for a while because I just finished University recently and I needed time off. 
I know we need to talk, and believe me, I tried. I will try again tomorrow and I hope that this time he'll listen.

Thank you.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Tonight... GO into the marital bedroom and sleep.

It doesnt matter if he says he has to work tomorrow & goes right off to sleep. If so, then lay down next to him , and go to sleep too.

Tell, him, that's fine. When he is ready to talk, you will be there. THen BE there. If he starts to talk right away , great.. be calm, and say that you are not going to sleep separately again, because that is not good for the marriage.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

When you talk to him be very clear about your feelings. I would ask questions like is there something that you two can do together? Maybe plan a date night and stick to it. Find out if he's happy in the marriage and if there is anything that he feels that needs to be worked on. The key here is to not come across as nagging but you want his input as well. 

I don't want to get too personal, is your sex life regular and satisfying for the both of you? That's something to look into as well.

Regarding the sleeping situation, it really isn't a good pattern to start and isn't healthy for the marriage. If I were you I would acknowledge that you were both wrong for doing it and that you want to stop sleeping separate when you are arguing.


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## Cleopatra211 (Nov 18, 2012)

Chelle D, we live on the other side of the world and by the time I read your reply he was already asleep, so i slept in the guest bedroom. However, i woke up early and went into the bedroom to see if he was up and he was still sleeping. So I waited in the living room for him to wake up so we can talk and then surprise, he came out all dressed and he said I'm going to work.

So we didn't talk yesterday and we didn't talk this morning. However, we went out to dinner at his parents and when we came back I told him that we need to talk, so we went to the bedroom and I started saying that I did remove everything that you asked me to and you need to pick the right time to tell me that something is bothering you and when you tell me something in a gentle, I will be more willing to do it happily. Then he said, so it's my fault (in a sarcastic tone) and that was it. He went and closed the lights and started to get ready for bed, taking in mind that he has plans with the guys later tonight so this is just to piss me off.

I just stood there, in utter disbelief that this is "the talk" that I have been waiting 24 hours for, and then i left and when to the living room.

Now I'm back to square one. I do not what to do and I feel like I'm the only one trying here. 

TrustInUs, when we aren't fighting, we have sex regularly; however, since we have been fighting alot, you can guess how that is.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I'm guessing the two of you are a bit young. 

First, sleeping in the other bedroom is childish. You're married - sleep in your bed.

Second, you're describing that he's always behaved this way. Now you want him to change. He sees no reason to change, he likes his life this way.

If he is unwilling to talk or change, you can't 'make' him. The only person you can control in this equation is yourself. You have to decide if you can live this way for the next 50 years or if you want a real marriage.


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## Cleopatra211 (Nov 18, 2012)

im 26, he's 29; so we're not that young. 
He wasn't always this stubborn and he didn't always pick fights. I am not trying to change him. 
I really do not understand what your saying, I either become his doormat so he can step on me whenever he wants, or I'll always be miserable with him.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

What I'm saying is that you can't force someone to change. You state that you try talking to him and he's unwilling to do so. That doesn't bode well for any type of improvement in this situation.

The way the two of you deal with things IS rather immature (sleeping in the other room / running off with friends / refusing to talk).

For example, there was an issue that really upset him. You fixed it but then went and shifted blame back to him about the 'way' he told you. So, all he hears is that you don't accept responsibility for your actions in something that was important to him. 

If he's the only one working, he's probably feeling a bit stressed out about your financial situation and expects that you would be picking up the slack and keeping the home neat/orderly. That is a fair expectation. I can tell you were dismissing this as not important when you stated 'seriously they weren't bothering anyone'. Yes, they were bothering him.

As for 'spending more time together', that is a vague sort of request. Men don't work well with vague. Make plans - say 'I'd like to go out to do xxxx with you on Saturday' and plan it out. 

If he's still unwilling to talk, spend time together, or do anything to improve the marriage, I still stand by my statement: Choose to live this life for the next 50 years or leave.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

I agree with TCS that you should be clear in what you mean by "spending more time together." Tell him what you want to do. Make yourself the best companion he could have. Think fun stuff like picnics and walks and maybe a little outdoor loving. 

Move back into your bedroom and lead by example. You can't change HIM, but you can encourage better communication skills.


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