# I was assaulted and now WH is being super affectionate? False hope?



## heathjeb (May 27, 2014)

WH and I have been separated for a few months now due to him deciding to get online and begin talking with women on dating sites. Well, I was sexually assaulted a week ago and now he is super sweet to me. Is this just false hope? Has anyone ever had a very traumatic thing happen and that sparked your WS wanting to reconcile?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

heathjeb said:


> WH and I have been separated for a few months now due to him deciding to get online and begin talking with women on dating sites. *Well, I was sexually assaulted a week ago a*nd now he is super sweet to me. Is this just false hope? Has anyone ever had a very traumatic thing happen and that sparked your WS wanting to reconcile?


Whoooaaaaa... WHAT?!? Was it your husband that assaulted you?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I hope you filed charges with the police. 

ETA: Get into counseling. That has to be traumatic.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

How absolutely terrible. I feel so very sorry for what happened.

But as to your question, I suspect he is feeling like he was the cause of your assault and is trying to make up for it. Whether it causes him to try and curb his addictions, only time would tell.

I suggest taking things very slowly. Take care of yourself first.


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## intuitionoramiwrong (Mar 18, 2014)

It probably kills him that he wasn't there to protect you (assuming he isn't the one who assaulted you). I know that if my wife were assaulted it wouldn't matter what the circumstances were, I'd want to have prevented it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Assuming that it wasn't your husband that assaulted you, it may have just kicked off his protective instincts. I'd be cautiously skeptical going forward in any sort of relationship w/ him.


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

HeathJeb,

First, ((hugs)) - how terrible. I am so sorry that this happened and you have to deal with this on top of separation. I hope you have a good crisis center in your area that is putting you in touch with the right resources.

As to your question.....that's not uncommon. We see that at the shelter a lot, where the survivor will become sick or otherwise incapacitated, or get into an accident, and the abuser is all of a sudden Mr. Contrite and Changed For Good. I am not comparing your husband to an abuser, this is just the parallel dynamic that I can speak to.

It's almost always an avenue to take advantage of your vulnerability and get back into your good graces. There is rarely any real change, and we see the women back all too soon. 

It is also entirely possible - even plausible - that your husband is terrified at the thought that your experience could have been much worse (fatal) and he is now going to do anything he can to make it up to you and he really has changed. Your assault was his lightbulb moment. 

I will put it to you like this: we all have menus from which we make our life choices. If infidelity weren't on his personal menu of acceptable choices, he wouldn't have done it. Are you in a place where you can be certain he's on a permanent "Affair Diet" and won't stray again once you seem to be less vulnerable?

This is a tough time for you and he should supportive, and not make it about him and your relationship.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am so sorry that happened to you! Please take care of yourself.

As for the way you're husband is acting - who cares? Has he changed his online behaviour and recanted his desire to have 50 wives?


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## heathjeb (May 27, 2014)

To clarify: the attacker was not my husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Did you tell your husband that you are having trouble trusting him?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Has your husband changed his online behaviour and recanted his desire to have 50 wives?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I don't see how the husband is more important than a sexual assault?

This thread seems bogus to me.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

At one point you and your WH must have loved each other.

While he was behaving like a cowardly a** cheating on you, he probably created a lot of justifications in his own head that were about how bad you were and how he didn't love you anymore.

But, as with most cheaters, these excuses were all just bullsh*t to remove the guilt for his own crappy actions.

When you were hurt, however, all that bs went away in his head.

This does not mean that your M can automatically be saved, but it probably wiped out a lot of the self-created 'fog' in his head.

And if the POS who assaulted you was some guy you started seeing after you two separated and were moving towards D, then he is probably feeling MASSIVE guilt that it happened.

After all, if he wasn't acting like such a worthless cheating scumbag, you would not have been separated and out meeting people on dates for this to happen.


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> I don't see how the husband is more important than a sexual assault?
> 
> This thread seems bogus to me.


I don't see where she said her husband was more important than her assault. I see a legitimate question that many women find themselves asking after an assault - "I was just violated in the worse possible way, why is my significant other acting like this?"

"This" could be "super sweet" or it could be "like nothing happened" or it could even be "like it was my fault."


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

botti said:


> I don't see where she said her husband was more important than her assault. I see a legitimate question that many women find themselves asking after an assault - "I was just violated in the worse possible way, why is my significant other acting like this?"
> 
> "This" could be "super sweet" or it could be "like nothing happened" or it could even be "like it was my fault."


Yeah, it's legit. Did she report the assault to the police? What did they say? Did she get an attorney to prosecute the bast***? 

Is she seeking counseling for women who were assaulted, raped, or whatever you want to call it?

Seems like those questions should be answered first, since getting back together after an assault and before any counseling would doom any reconciliation attempts. But, the question is legitimate and Dyokem answered it really well. 

Using the harm of that assault to get your husband back is a terrible idea. Sorry for being so blunt, op. I just want you to realize this has to be taken care of first. If you aren't in counseling, and prosecuting the jerk, I don't see how anything else is more important, even your already destroyed marriage.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

Sounds like he is experiencing a massive dose of guilty conscience.If he didn't cheat on line and then have to leave the house,he is thinking he would have been with you and this might not have happened.I would be careful taking to heart to much of his actions,when all it might be is a guilty conscience.Take care of yourself first and don't worry about what he does.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> I don't see how the husband is more important than a sexual assault?
> 
> This thread seems bogus to me.


Don't shout that out in the middle of a thread! Use the report button!


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> Yeah, it's legit. Did she report the assault to the police? What did they say? Did she get an attorney to prosecute the bast***?
> 
> Is she seeking counseling for women who were assaulted, raped, or whatever you want to call it?
> 
> ...


So many assumptions...

Actually, none of those questions are any of our business. She is asking about of someone has had their WS come back around after a trauma. 

Many women and most men who experience adult never tell their loved ones, let alone the cops. We have no right to all for those kinds of details. This is a relationship forum. She is here with a question about her spouse. Let's stick to that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

botti said:


> So many assumptions...
> 
> Actually, none of those questions are any of our business. She is asking about of someone has had their WS come back around after a trauma.
> 
> ...


She brought it up. If she didn't want to address it, she wouldn't have. 

If you don't care if someone was raped and hurt, that's your choice. She doesn't have to answer a thing. She can answer that she is handling it. 

I know for sure, whether she reports it to the police or not, she likely needs help to cope with that. She could even be physically harmed. 

That is a relationship problem. She said she went out with the guy. She needs help. 

I'm sorry it came to this. I'm mostly sorry she got sexually assaulted. Any good man would not hold that against their wife. If he does, well, you don't want my opinion. 

Know that I am truly concerned about you, whether you think I am or not.



Matt, where would be the best place to address that? Not at all? Just assume that everyone tells the truth, all the time? When someone mentions something that bad in their opening post, it sure is a red flag to me, if they don't address it.


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## heathjeb (May 27, 2014)

Yes I am seeking help, no I did NOT know the attacker, I have not been seeing anyone while my H and I have been separated. No this is NoT bogus!! All I was wondering was if someone else has had a similar reaction from WS after a traumatic event. I amNOt trying to lower the seriousness of my assault....after all, I'm the one dealing with it all. I understand everyone's concern, thank you. But I am asking about my relationship, I am constantly being questioned and having to deal with all the stuff with the assault, can I please not get that here as well. Thanks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just because he's temporarily concerned about you, as he should be, it doesn't mean what's wrong with the relationship is fixed. Should he move back, it would all just come back to the top. Fix the problems. THEN see if you want to work on it.


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

heathjeb said:


> WH and I have been separated for a few months now due to him deciding to get online and begin talking with women on dating sites. Well, I was sexually assaulted a week ago and now he is super sweet to me. Is this just false hope? Has anyone ever had a very traumatic thing happen and that sparked your WS wanting to reconcile?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Yes it's false hope. He was looking to cheat on you, so his preference is for a greener pasture.
His super sweetness is temporary and probably guilt induced. 

Yes I've had a very traumatic thing happen and no, it didn't spark a reconciliation. But he did feel guilty. A lot.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

First let me say how deeply sorry to hear of your assault and i hope they capture the assailant...second you should not compare your situation with another one less and just look at what is happening in your own life....i suspect that your is feeling a couple things first and foremost guilt for not being there to protect you, and on tope of that the fog has lifted and realized what is real in his life....he probably feels he has let you down and himself as well....there is no guarantee for the future, but presently he wants to be there for you, how you and he address the assault, your mental well-being and his infidelity will determine the future together...you have a long road ahead in just taking care of yourself, if he is there for the entire journey then that will tell you of his commitment, if he is there now as a way of dealing with his guilt that will eventually either turn to love, respect and desire for you or it will force him to decide what he wants....regardless you first have to take care of yourself, because in your mind you are dealing with a man who you loved turning his back on you and a man you never wanted turning a frontal attack on you, dealing with one is hard enough dealing with both is a landslide of emotions...be well


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> She brought it up. If she didn't want to address it, she wouldn't have.
> 
> If you don't care if someone was raped and hurt, that's your choice. She doesn't have to answer a thing. She can answer that she is handling it.
> 
> ...


I care very much that she is going through this - as anyone could tell from my first response to this post. My point was that firing questions about how she was dealing with her trauma (cops?? hospital?? therapy??) is in no way helpful when she is here asking about a specific issue that arose with her WS after her assault. That's all.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> She brought it up. If she didn't want to address it, she wouldn't have.
> 
> If you don't care if someone was raped and hurt, that's your choice. She doesn't have to answer a thing. She can answer that she is handling it.
> 
> ...


The report button is there for a reason.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> The report button is there for a reason.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi Matt,
I am confused, and being new, want clarity. Is it that 2ntnuf thinks the OP is a troll post and not legit, and that's his concern? Otherwise, why hit the report button?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

OP, could the person that assulted you somehow be related to any of the women that your husband has been in contact with?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP very sorry to read of your situation. I have no experience to offer any real insight to your question. Just a guess that your wayward husband could be feeling a tremendous amount of guilt for what happened to you. 

Could it wake him up? I suppose it is possible. From your writing style it seems like that is perhaps what you want from him?? 

I hope you are taking care of yourself first at the moment and I also hope that your attacker is caught and dealt with severely. 

Have you tried mc with your husband?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

heathjeb said:


> Yes I am seeking help, no I did NOT know the attacker, I have not been seeing anyone while my H and I have been separated. No this is NoT bogus!! All I was wondering was if someone else has had a similar reaction from WS after a traumatic event. I amNOt trying to lower the seriousness of my assault....after all, I'm the one dealing with it all. I understand everyone's concern, thank you. But I am asking about my relationship, I am constantly being questioned and having to deal with all the stuff with the assault, can I please not get that here as well. Thanks
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow very sorry to hear about this. Ignore the trolls who are accusing you of making this up.

They have no way of knowing, so they should shut the hell up unless they have proof.

I hope you have recovered from the assault, and that you see a counselor about the assault and your relationship with the WS.

Best of luck!!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

heathjeb said:


> WH and I have been separated for a few months now due to him deciding to get online and begin talking with women on dating sites. Well, I was sexually assaulted a week ago and now he is super sweet to me. Is this just false hope? Has anyone ever had a very traumatic thing happen and that sparked your WS wanting to reconcile?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would not look at your husband's response as a move towards reconciliation. I would look at it as part of his humanity in showing you some compassion for what happened.

I can't imagine he stopped his pursuit of becoming a polygamist, maybe put it on hold, but I doubt if he did a 180.


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