# How does the BH know that his WW told him the whole truth?



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

How does the BH know he got the whole truth from his WW after D day?


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

He doesn't, and in most cases I'd say he hasn't. That is where trickle truth comes in... I think once the BS sees the pain they have caused, most will try and prevent any unnecessary punishment by divulging things in their entirety. It is a breaking point so to speak, and the WS is walking a fine line with their BS.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Polygraph.

Anything else can be distorted to their advantage, questions must include those that are deal breakers.

The BS must be prepared to act accordingly when the resuults come through, that includes leaving the M.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

It depends entirely on the situation and the person. I used to be a safety investigator in the Air Force and investigative techniques work in a lot of different situations. I asked my WW a lot of questions I already knew the answers to and I knew a lot more than she thought I knew. I also bluffed a lot and my WW had no idea what I knew and didn't know. Whenever I doubted an answer I would rephrase it and ask it again later to make sure I would get the same answer. My WW would Trickle Truth a little, which is normal, if she wouldn't have then I would know she was lying, everyone TT a little, but for the most part I believe she told me the truth. I made it clear from the first moment that if she lied to me I would be gone. It's been way over a year since d-day and nothing my wife told me has turned out to be a lie. My wife was totally remorseful and fully committed to R. This makes a big difference in whether you can trust what they are saying or not, so in my situation I fully believe what she had told me, but I'm still cautious. As the Who song goes "I won't get fooled again!".


Side note: I don't like polygraphs. I taken two in my career and wasn't impressed at all. I realize they mostly reliable, but I know for a fact the are not totally infallible.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I do not think that I will ever know.

I do not trust what she says, it is not reliable.


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## johnAdams (May 22, 2013)

theroad said:


> How does the BH know he got the whole truth from his WW after D day?


In reality, you never really know if you got the whole story.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

johnAdams said:


> In reality, you never really know if you got the whole story.


Well, I'm pretty sure that you did get the whole story. I simply see no reason to believe or even suspect otherwise.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You decide if you can reconcile based on what you know. While understanding that you may never know it all. Polys aren't foolproof, unfortunately, or that would solve our problems. Just pluck that truth out of their brains. Not how it works. Reconcile or not but never expect that you will know all of it.


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## johnAdams (May 22, 2013)

3putt said:


> Well, I'm pretty sure that you did get the whole story. I simply see no reason to believe or even suspect otherwise.


I agree. In my case I feel I got the whole story.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

The whole story is that you won't ever get the whole story.

Even a polygraph wont' prove otherwise.

For every rat you see, there are fifty you don't.


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

Pepper123 said:


> He doesn't, and in most cases I'd say he hasn't. That is where trickle truth comes in... I think once the BS sees the pain they have caused, most will try and prevent any unnecessary punishment by divulging things in their entirety. It is a breaking point so to speak, and the WS is walking a fine line with their BS.


Good post, Pepper.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I knew. Because we never had a D-Day. We had a pre-D-Day, instead.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

theroad said:


> How does the BH know he got the whole truth from his WW after D day?


I don't think you ever "know" because once it is established that your WS has lied about something all certainty goes out the window. The best you can do is "believe."


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I think I did in what I asked. When I had my last d-day in 2013 and my wife finally came clean in late April 2013. There was no TT. A few minor lies, not related to things prior to d-day. She has answered every question I have had. Even the other day, I took her to a doctor's appointment and she said something to the doctor that contradicted something she told me. I questioned her after the appointment. She gave the doctor a wrong date and that was it.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Most waywards never tell the whole truth, and its not because they are concerned for your mental safety. Its for the same reasons they cheated.

They are selfish.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> I knew. Because we never had a D-Day. We had a pre-D-Day, instead.


This is her telling you ahead of time that she was going to have an affair right? I'm still blown away by this.


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## DeterminedToThrive (Nov 2, 2013)

Most of us will never absolutely know for sure we've been told everything, that's where faith comes in, if you're in R. (faith and monitoring, IMO)

I think if you decide to R that there comes a point where your focus turns from what damaging things happened in the past, to what positive things can we do to make the future better. If you can't get to that point, R becomes very difficult. 

I am in no way saying not to get all the details you can find. I went to great lengths to find out if what my husb had told me was the truth or not (including bribing someone to see a businesses security camera footage. sigh) I exhausted every resource that could possibly give me a smidge of information, once that's done, you have to make a decision - Do you go forward or not?


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## Visionknower (Oct 14, 2013)

Milton Magnus polygraph backed disclosure. 

Polygraph Used With Disclosures - YouTube


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Visionknower said:


> Milton Magnus polygraph backed disclosure.
> 
> Polygraph Used With Disclosures - YouTube


But know that the results of a polygraph are not admissible in most courts in the US. There's a reason for that.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Can I ask a question....I read all over this board about polygraph tests...but don't they ask specific questions that have to be answered yes or no?
> 
> So how would a polygraph help you to know if you have been given all of the details?


It might help establish IF you've been given all the details (which is a yes-or-no proposition), but not WHAT the hidden details are.

ETA: The polygraph machine is designed to indicate, based on physical reaction, whether the subject is withholding information. If this is indicated, the nature of that information can be revealed only through the interaction between subject and polygrapher, and the skill with which the polygrapher formulates questions.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Us BS will probably not ever get the full truth, if a couple is reconciling the WS will always fear every small detail will be the detail that is the final straw. I don’t think it’s a matter of the WS trying to not hurt the BS but more a matter of damage control on the WS part. 

The WS risked throwing away the entire married life for someone else, usually for someone they barely knew and chased a dream. If the BS can get over that and try to reconcile how much detail does the person really need. Full disclosure is important and a necessary part of healing, the full truth is a matter of perspective. Even months after a WS views on the reasons why, the perceptions change. The BS does this too. If you are trying to reconcile at some point, both parties have to take the leap of faith and if your divorcing it doesn’t matter in the end


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Reality shifts. A cheating spouse, especially if the affair went on long time may not remember facts and details. We are not perfect witnesses, especially we are ourselves on trial.

Does the WS want to fix things are they remorseful. The process of getting at the truth reveals this. The consequences of the affair alter the truth. If there was something that the WS treasured about the affair and it turns that affair is wrecking their life, then suddenly they may remember negative aspects that they never saw before.

Imagine a woman recalling that she looked up with squinted eyes unfocused eyes at the POSOM, feeling excitment and happiness that he was concentrating on her pleasure. Later she might feel that it was just an cruel expression of ego, power and possession without deeper affection. This might not even be true, but the mind seeks justification to get rid of pain.

RoadScholar might have interesting things to say about this.

HardtoDetach... heck many have spent time thinking about it.

Southsideirish's WW was so in love with her ex boss, a judge. She had zero love left for him. She waited in the parking lot to try and see him. He was done with her after Dday. Many months later she called him Voldemort. That is major change in reality.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

theroad said:


> How does the BH know he got the whole truth from his WW after D day?


This is something you can never know. I suppose if you give your partner another chance after they have cheated on you then you just have take everything they say about the affair at face value.


I mean if they can be deceitful enough to be unfaithful, how could you believe anything they say??. Or know that they are telling you the whole truth??.

This is why i could never give second chances again........ I could never trust or believe anything they say ever again, I would always be doubting them, and it would take over my life.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You wil never get the whole truth--period.

You may get "enough" of the truth to make an informed decision.

You likely will never stop wondering about the infidelity and your spouse.

Sucks.


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

You can never know whether anyone is telling you the truth. Ever. 

That's why if someone lies to you and you catch them, it's a generally inadvisable course of action to listen to them again.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

michzz said:


> You wil never get the whole truth--period.
> 
> You may get "enough" of the truth to make an informed decision.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

For me, I had enough to make an informed decision. I filled in the rest with a worst case scenario and asked if I could still go with R if that were the case.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

hawx20 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> For me, I had enough to make an informed decision. I filled in the rest with a worst case scenario and asked if I could still go with R if that were the case.


You know no matter how bad it was it can always be upped.

WW has a ONS, becomes a one year affair, becomes a one year with an OC, becomes a multi year affair with two OC's.

So where did you/does one stop their imagination?


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

hawx20 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> For me, I had enough to make an informed decision. I filled in the rest with a worst case scenario and asked if I could still go with R if that were the case.


Yep. I still know I don't know the full story. But I knew enough I felt I could base a decision on. You sort of just get to a point where new information doesn't help anymore and just becomes another 'fact' to add to an already long list. You just make determinations about who your wayward is and what you are dealing with. In my case; A SA.

The details just stop being as important as the 'why' and digging so deep that you accept why it was that way as 'real' and what changes are needed to do to add a sense of security and trust that it won't continue. 

A lot of it also has to do with you and your own changes, perceptions, and how you cope when your world crumbles..


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I'm not sure how you ever can be certain you know everything from a proven liar. Think about that. 

Each situation is different. Perhaps those that volunteer information and admit to their actions rather than being discovered are more capable of telling the truth. 

I have read arguements for not telling all details or answering all questions. I do not agree with this approach as it just seems to similiar to the suggestion that affairs should be kept secret and take. To the grave. If a BS wants to know then I think they have a right to make that decision for themself. 

As far as ever believing it. Well does the story make sense? Does fact checking indicate truthfulness (asking at least some questions you already know the answer to). 

Also a polygraph can be a valuable tool in getting some honesty.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

You already know the truth, she focked him. Decided, planned, prepared and enjoyed it, that's how it goes right, why would it be different because you're in the picture ?... Well were you really in the picture ?

For details just google how modern human couple enjoy copulation process, kiddy guards inactivated and yes, they are biologically a couple.

I learned the details as if I was a fly on the wall. Details didn't help me to reconcile with her but they set me free faster.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

illwill said:


> Most waywards never tell the whole truth, and its not because they are concerned for your mental safety. *Its for the same reasons they cheated.
> 
> They are selfish.*


*And as such, they don't want "the truth" ever reaching their friends and family, because they would then face scrutiny as well as possible alienation!

They largely want to continue "to have their cake and eat it, too!"*


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

The issue I had to deal with was the overarching "theme" of the relationship..... that is, they were "just" friends. But then I found detail, ie, reciepts, discussions between them, that would give the appearance that he was courting her, along side our relationship.

And not only that, but that she was getting the better treatment. So the details that I found blew his cover because of course, I said, well, if that's how you treat "just a friend" and especially one who is f8cking other men, well, I want some of that.

And that's how our relationship moved forward (and without the detritus).

I notice in other places there seems to be an "all or none" attitude towards snooping. That is, if you have to snoop to get to the truth, then your relationship is doomed / over. It seems to me that my snooping and getting the truth when he stonewalled me created for him a new sense of respect for me.

And I don't think he would have ever dropped the charade of friendship with her without that information as well. She continued to contact him after he went NC on her. 

I guess another one of those interesting dynamics of human behavior.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

michzz said:


> You wil never get the whole truth--period.


Bull.
I told my husband everything. Granted, many, and I daresay most, do not tell everything. However, to say that a BS will NEVER get the whole truth is a load of crap.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

theroad said:


> How does the BH know he got the whole truth from his WW after D day?




He doesn't. He has to choose to either believe or her not.



*********************** | ***************************************** | ****************************************


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> Bull.
> I told my husband everything. Granted, many, and I daresay most, do not tell everything. However, to say that a BS will NEVER get the whole truth is a load of crap.


 I agree 100%. If I thought my wife was holding out I wouldn't have stayed. I know this isn't always the case, but I believe it is possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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