# I don't know what to do or think anymore



## mommyoftwo85 (Sep 23, 2011)

I feel as if my marriage is falling apart and I don't know what to do or think....

Okay let me start off with a little history.... My husband and I have been together for 8 years married for 4. We have a beautiful 3 year old daughter and I am currently 33 weeks expecting our second daughter. I am a stay at home mom and my husband works out of town/state alot of times. Right now he is currently working out of state and will not be home until a week before I give birth. My husband feels the need to lie to me over simple things and always gets caught. We have not had the perfect marriage that everyone always wants but we have always tried working it out. Usually its me begging for our marriage to work. I don't know where I went wrong in our marriage but every fight he always makes me feel worthless or not worth the truth. I hate to admit it but I have accused him of cheating but with my trust always getting broke by the lies I can't think of anything else. Here is a example of our fight that is going on right now. It could have been avoided but here it is. Monday night I called him around 5:20 to inform him I would be at a teacher/parent meeting at my daughters head start and that I would not be able to answer my phone. When the meeting was over I called him to let him know what happened at the meeting. I hung up with him after a 7 min convo because I was picking my daughter up from my sister's house this was around 6:41 p.m. I tried calling my husband around 8:30 until almost 10:00 p.m. that night and also sent a text letting me know I was trying to call him. Still no response so I sent another text message asking him where was he at. I did add in a choice word that rymes with duck with that message but I can't repeat it on here. He tried calling me 30 minutes after I sent the last text but I was bathing my daughter and couldn't get to my phone. When I was able to reach my phone to try and call him back I noticed he sent me a text after he called stating that "I never took my phone off of vibrate that is where I am at *****". He was mad because I questioned where he was at. I told him I wouldn't have to question where he was at if he answered his phone or responded telling me what was up. I checked the phone record online and noticed that the times I was trying to reach him and he claimed his phone was on vibrate that he made and recevied calls from 2 of his friends. That is where I found out he was lying to me. He claimed to not hear my calls or text but he heard his phone to place and recive calls to other people. I asked him the next night why did he lie to me because of the other calls and he informed me because it was people he wanted to talk to. He now is claiming he had company over for a game and didn't want to talk to me. That does not add up to me because anytime he tells me he is watching the games or whatever with company over I don't call him or if I do I make it really quick so he can get back to what he is doing. Skip forward to now which is Friday (we have not talked for a week) I sent him a text telling him I am not trying to fight with him but I wanted to know what I did to make him not want to talk to me in the first place. The last call we had and actually talked was the call when I was telling him about the school meeting. There was nothing about that call to my knowledge that would make him not want to talk to me or avoid my calls. He response about not talking to me for a week was, I f I would not have sent the text I did asking him where he was at he would not have been mad. I feel I had the right to ask him being he did not answer my calls for 3 hours which lead me to send that text. He is now telling me he wants out of our relationship and I don't know what to do.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

How often does he call YOU? 

If I were you I wouldn't call him. He wants to be left alone? You got it Toyota.

Show him just how independant and self sufficient you can be in his absence. He'll do one of two things:

1) become curious and start wondering whats up with you and call you or try to contact you more often

2) not bother... in which case, you should take this as a really big hint, HE REALLY WANTS OUT.


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## kitkat1 (Sep 14, 2011)

I'm so sorry you are going through this....sounds very much like my situation as well, my husband just accepted a position in another state and I a lot of anxiety that the distance is going tear us apart, although I am not expecting. Being that you are 33 weeks pregnant and now he says he wants out of the relationship? What kind of coward would do that? I hate to say it but it sounds like he is fooling around. Being that you can check his cell records I would really check out every single # he has been calling. You need to be strong but I would tell him being that we are expecting a child in the next 7 weeks is not the time to inform me you want out of our relationship - would have been nice to know that 33 weeks ago! You must be going thru tremendous stress and anguish right now....I'm so sorry...What a dirt bag!


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## kitkat1 (Sep 14, 2011)

I agree with the other post - try very hard not to call, text or contact him. If he reaches back out to you - I would use the "Let them Go" speach about I wont' be in an open relationship....
Another direction you could take is to say "well since you want out of the relationship I will take that as you want a divorce. I will contact an attorney immediately and have them draw up custody and child support payments". Seems like you have let him take the lead on your relationship and now he feels he can have his cake and eat it too. By you going silent on him will definately wake him up and take notice. I can't imagine having your husband in another state and not talking to him for over a week....that is worrisome. I'm so sorry (( big hugs ))....


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## mommyoftwo85 (Sep 23, 2011)

@ A Bit Much: He usually calls on his lunch break at work and then he would normally call when he got of work at 5:30. We don't stay on the phone for long periods of time because I know he hates using the phone. It is hard to not contact him when we have a daughter who always ask to talk to her daddy but I am considering taking this route. It is just hard to decide to take the no contact route when I have a daughter that loves her daddy more than anything and a baby on the way. I don't want to make any decesion that could possibly be resolved. I really think we need to try marriage counseling but with him out of state, a baby that will be here in a few weeks and him saying he wants out of the relationship if there is anything that can be done. I love my husband with all of my heart but I fear he has checked out of our marriage. What bothers me the most was he was the one who wanted to try for another baby and it kills me now that she is coming he wants out.

@ Kitkat I also, feel he is fooling around but I have no proof of that. We share a phone contract and we both can check the bill at anytime and normally I would never check up on him unless something made me feel the need too. I have looked at the numbers and there is nothing sticking out with a red flag to prove he is doing something. He claims he wants out because of the fighting and I understand that it is not healthy for anyone of us but what I can't make him understand is I wouldn't be upset if he would have just told me the truth or just sent a text telling me what was up. I son't know if I am just being oversensitive due to hormones or should I just try and forget the actual act of lying and try working on my marriage. I didn't get married to walk away with out a fight but at times I don't know what to do. I always feel the need to be the one to step up and say I am sorry even when I don't think I am at fault but he always turns it around onme telling me well you did this or that. He knows I checked the phone bill and he is upset with m for that but I didn't know what else to do. I don't like to check up on him but I felt I had to check to see if he was telling me the truth or not.


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## mommyoftwo85 (Sep 23, 2011)

@ Kitkat Thanks for the hug it is much needed  I have let him take the lead and I will try my hardest to not contact him but I will admit it is hard. I just don't want to give up to soon with my babies being involved. When I got married I made vows for better or worse but I am now feeling torn.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Fight the urge to check up on him. He's a grown man and you can't control anything he does. Especially from another state.

It's hard to do this while he's away, but you're going ot have to stand firm and give him his space. How he acts for the next several weeks is going to tell you a whole lot about who you're married to. You'll be able to make some decisions about how you want your marriage to progress by observing him. As for your daughter? I really think if she is as important to him he would be calling to speak to her all the time.

People tell you so much by what they do, not what they say. Pay close attention.


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## kitkat1 (Sep 14, 2011)

I agree with what you are saying as you do have a child to consider as well as one on the way. Vows are serious business but only if both partners take them seriously. Doesn't sound like he is seriously considering anything...especially not what is in the best interest of his family or his wife or his child to be. Unfortunately you cannot do anything and you certainly cannot make him talk to you or communicate. Of course you have fears and worries, but the more you chase after him the more he will shut down. It's going to be hard but the best thing you can do right now is focus on you and your daughter and your pregnancy. Plan for the possibility of him pulling out and what your plan of action will be just in case. Who knows if he is doing anything bad...only he knows that. But his timing is crap, leaving you to carry this huge burden, alone, pregnant - what a coward.


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## kitkat1 (Sep 14, 2011)

You are in a giver/taker relationship from the sounds of it which I am all to familiar with. The fact that he is freaking out because you checked the cell phone records and getting mad because you called him is so ridiculous....YOU ARE HIS WIFE, he is working in another state, you have a child together and another one on the way....you have every right to call him whenever you chose to! Give him time and see if he comes around....if he doesn't do you really want to be in a relationship where you are begging for someone elses love...like begging for him to doll out precious little chocolates to you; where you have to do all the work catering to his silly demands and rules; where he is being sneaky and obviously lying about his whereabouts. You have put him up an a peddestal that he has no business being on. The fact that he is working in another state, you are pregnant with his 2nd child, and he is calling you 7 weeks before you are due saying "yeah I think I need a break...not sure if I want to be in this relationship anymore".....that is the lowest of lows honey and you deserve so much more.


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## mommyoftwo85 (Sep 23, 2011)

Thank you both for the advice and I know if I was hearing my friend tell me this I would be giving her the same advice it is just hard when the shoe is on the other foot and I am taking the advice from both of you into serious consideration and see where it goes from this moment on. The last thing I want to do is let my child(ren) see me in a weak state and ever have them go through the same thing in their adult lives. From the bottom of my heart thank you so much for a unbiased opinion and support.


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## kitkat1 (Sep 14, 2011)

Try to take it one day at a time and don't worry about tomorrow, it will come soon enough. Try to look at the big picture, not just what you are feeling right now. I would love it if you got mad instead of crying....you should be angry at what he is putting you and your daughter through. I don't want to say you should call him and tell him he is a selfish coward.....but I also don't know if going silent is good either...although it will make him curious to reach out and see what's going on....he drops this bomb on you then you go silent. But when he does call you need to figure out what you are going to say and instead of worrying about what he thinks what he feels - you need to state what you think and what you feel. At the end of the day you have to do what works best for you - you are pregnant and have all those emotions flowing and to have the man you love act in such a selfish, childish and betraying manner is I'm sure heart breaking. YOU AREN'T QUITTING - he is. At some point you need to state to him how you feel instead of being worried about what he will think or do. Can you be in an open relationship? Because that very well may be what he throws at you. Hang in there....one day at a time


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Mommy,

In my humble opinion, you two are fighting over stuff that shouldn't be an issue but you're both in a vulnerable state and the lack of face to face contact is letting things get out of control.

My suggestions: 
Tell him directly that you appreciate how hard he is works and the difficulty he experiences being away and how much he does for you and the kids
Tell him you know he is busy and has a lot of stuff going on and you don't want to interfere or be a burden
Tell him you understand that every man experiences their lowest level of marital satisfaction during the time right before and after a child is born. Know this and ask if you can both commit to getting through it.
Explain that your hormonal state and general physical discomfort let crazy thoughts get into your head and you're sorry but sometimes you just can't get rid of them
Tell him that you need to feel protected. You're home alone with a 3 year old, 33 weeks pregnant, and you're vulnerable and scared. When you can't get a hold of him immediately, you panic. When you don't hear from him, you wonder if he has found someone else. He is the man and it's his duty to protect you and most of all, make sure you feel protected.
Tell him that talking about leaving is not fighting fair. It's destructive. Ask him to please not do it any more


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## mommyoftwo85 (Sep 23, 2011)

@ Ten year hubby

I agree the fight is childish!!!!

With that said I know it is very hard on him to be away from us for long periods of time. He is a very loving father and would give his life up for our daughter. The reason why he took the job out of state for such a long period of time is due to the fact that we will soon have 2 babies to take care of. I am not trying to place all the blame on him for our fight. I know I could have reacted better about the situation. Yes I did call him numerous times, yes I did text him, yes I did send a semi accusing text. I am guilty of that. What I am confused and lost on is the fact that he lied to me over something that should have never warranted a lie. It is not the actual act of avoiding my calls, yes that did make me hurt and angry that I could not reach him. The entire situation would have been avoided if he would have sent a text saying I am busy or I can't talk at the moment. Instead I was told a lie, that little lie might not seem like much but to me it makes me feel that I am not worth him telling the truth. If is not just this ocassion that I have caught him in a lie that has caused a fight. He will and has lied to me about things that would have never been a issue. I know I am not the perfect wife and yes I do nag or ***** at my husband but there is always a reason behind it. I tried asking him to step into my shoes and think about how I would feel. He answers me that he wouldn't care what I did and his excuse for not talking to me for a week is he does not want to fight. I actually do not want to fight either but when he shuts me out it makes me feel like I am worthless to him and our marriage. Sorry if I am rambling  I don't really have anyone to talk to about our situation and I don't want to talk to family over our problems unless I knew for sure that it was over with.


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## kitkat1 (Sep 14, 2011)

mommyoftwo85 said:


> His response about not talking to me for a week was, If I would not have sent the text I did asking him where he was at he would not have been mad. I feel I had the right to ask him being he did not answer my calls for 3 hours which lead me to send that text. He is now telling me he wants out of our relationship and I don't know what to do.


Go back to your original thread. He got mad at you for sending a mean text to him and decided not to talk to you for a week. Does that mean he did not talk to his daughter either - because he was mad about a stupid text message? You are home alone, raising his child, pregnant and vulnerable....those are all good enough reasons for him to put your needs and emotions before his own right now - he sounds very immature. You questioned his wearabouts and his response to you was "don't question me, if I want to talk to I will call you when I'm good and ready, and whatever you think or feel doesn't matter to me right now". And now to make this all better and smooth it over you are suppose to call him, stroke his ego, and at the same time try to get your feelings and emotions accross in a non-threatening way so he doesn't get mad again and go another week without talking to you.....sounds to me like he is avoiding and deflecting and picking a fight to change the subject and he's doing a reall good job at it.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

kitkat1 said:


> Go back to your original thread. He got mad at you for sending a mean text to him and decided not to talk to you for a week. Does that mean he did not talk to his daughter either - because he was mad about a stupid text message? You are home alone, raising his child, pregnant and vulnerable....those are all good enough reasons for him to put your needs and emotions before his own right now - he sounds very immature. You questioned his wearabouts and his response to you was "don't question me, if I want to talk to I will call you when I'm good and ready, and whatever you think or feel doesn't matter to me right now". And now to make this all better and smooth it over you are suppose to call him, stroke his ego, and at the same time try to get your feelings and emotions accross in a non-threatening way so he doesn't get mad again and go another week without talking to you.....sounds to me like he is avoiding and deflecting and picking a fight to change the subject and he's doing a reall good job at it.



:iagree:

This is it in a nutshell.


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## mommyoftwo85 (Sep 23, 2011)

kitkat1 said:


> Go back to your original thread. He got mad at you for sending a mean text to him and decided not to talk to you for a week. Does that mean he did not talk to his daughter either - because he was mad about a stupid text message? You are home alone, raising his child, pregnant and vulnerable....those are all good enough reasons for him to put your needs and emotions before his own right now - he sounds very immature. You questioned his wearabouts and his response to you was "don't question me, if I want to talk to I will call you when I'm good and ready, and whatever you think or feel doesn't matter to me right now". And now to make this all better and smooth it over you are suppose to call him, stroke his ego, and at the same time try to get your feelings and emotions accross in a non-threatening way so he doesn't get mad again and go another week without talking to you.....sounds to me like he is avoiding and deflecting and picking a fight to change the subject and he's doing a reall good job at it.


You are right.. he has not talked to me in a week due to the message I sent him asking him where he was. Yes he has talked to our daughter. She is 3 and really does not like to talk on the phone with him so when she does ask I send him a text letting him know she wants to talk to him and he calls and I let her answer. I am so confused with the entire situation because part of me is furious and the hormones are not making it any easier. I want to kick, scream and stomp until I get my point across to him that it is unaccetable to do that to me. On the other hand I just want to move past this and make make the last of my pregancy less stressful. That is why I am here and not sure on what to do. I think the entire fight would have been avoided but it wasn't so here I am. I am being torn two different directions by my emotions and feelings


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

You need to make your baby's health the priority here. That should trump the fighting and nonsense with your husband. You don't need that right now. If he can't get with that program then you don't need to talk to him. 

What if you went into labor over this? Is it worth it? I think not.


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## kitkat1 (Sep 14, 2011)

Totally agree with A Bit Much - your priority right now is your baby and your health...hang in there. Rome wasn't built in a day and these decisions don't need to be made right here and now. He's there and you are home, communication is non-existent and you can't control what he thinks or feels unfortunately. You can only work on you and what you need for the time being.


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## mommyoftwo85 (Sep 23, 2011)

Yes my priority should be focused on the health and well being of my baby. No it is not worth stressing to the point of possibly going into labor and no man is worth that risk to me. Thank you for opening my eyes becuase I was not thinking that way but it is true and I have to accept the cold hard fact about that.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

mommyoftwo85 said:


> You are right.. he has not talked to me in a week due to the message I sent him asking him where he was. Yes he has talked to our daughter. She is 3 and really does not like to talk on the phone with him so when she does ask I send him a text letting him know she wants to talk to him and he calls and I let her answer. I am so confused with the entire situation because part of me is furious and the hormones are not making it any easier. I want to kick, scream and stomp until I get my point across to him that it is unaccetable to do that to me. On the other hand I just want to move past this and make make the last of my pregancy less stressful. That is why I am here and not sure on what to do. I think the entire fight would have been avoided but it wasn't so here I am. I am being torn two different directions by my emotions and feelings


My humble advice, forget the furious kicking, screaming and stomping. No good will come of it. Forgive him for all past transgressions and you will be much better off. 
I think you can get what you want by asking nicely. But first you have to get him to listen. This is why you explain your understanding of his side to him, no one can resist a sympathetic voice to their suffering. Once you have his attention, firmly request that he call you 5 times a day or whatever you need. There is no loss of face for a man in tending to his pregnant wife and he can certainly do it if he can get himself pointed in the right direction.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

kitkat1 said:


> Go back to your original thread. He got mad at you for sending a mean text to him and decided not to talk to you for a week. Does that mean he did not talk to his daughter either - because he was mad about a stupid text message? You are home alone, raising his child, pregnant and vulnerable....those are all good enough reasons for him to put your needs and emotions before his own right now - he sounds very immature. You questioned his wearabouts and his response to you was "don't question me, if I want to talk to I will call you when I'm good and ready, and whatever you think or feel doesn't matter to me right now". And now to make this all better and smooth it over you are suppose to call him, stroke his ego, and at the same time try to get your feelings and emotions accross in a non-threatening way so he doesn't get mad again and go another week without talking to you.....sounds to me like he is avoiding and deflecting and picking a fight to change the subject and he's doing a reall good job at it.




Is she not raising their child why is it his child?

in my opinion they are both acting childish.


and improvement needs to be made on both sides of the coin.

she could be a little more independant. which will make him wonder and most likley be more involved.and he should be more concerned about the emotional state of his pregnate wife who has a lot of pressure and stress being there alone.

if you need to call him for whatever reason only call once and if he don't respond advoid sending snide texts with foul words in it. 


you seem to have a double standard he should answer his phone and you get to have an excuse I was bathing the baby.you could have had the phone in the bathroom with you so if he called you could have picked it up and said let me call you right back i in the middle of bathing the baby

I know I know he lied to you about why he didn't answer but if I had I wife who questioned everything and called me every 5 mins I would be advoiding talking to her also.


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## mommyoftwo85 (Sep 23, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> Is she not raising their child why is it his child?
> 
> in my opinion they are both acting childish.
> 
> ...


Ok I will defend myself on saying I am independent and I do not call him five times a day he goes to work at 5:30 in the morning and does not get off until 5:30 that afternoon. He calls me for 5 mins on his lunch break. We talk when he gets off of work and usually it is him calling me due to the fact that he sometimes has to work over. He works in a refinery plant and can not have his cell except in the lunch tent. When we do talk it is after he is off of work. I only have a problem when I know he is off of work and does not answer his phone for hours on end and then when he explains the reason why it is a lie. I have no problem with him not answering for a hour or what not. No one keeps their cellphone glued to them. Yes I left my cell sitting on the kitchen counter while I bathed my daughter and no way would I leave my child in the tub to run and answer a phone for someone who could not answer my calls for hours. I am not saying I am innocent in this because yes I did send a snide text message and I admitted guilt in that and stated it wasn't one of my best moment. The issue on hand that I have a problem with is being told a lie when the truth would have sufficed and I would have no issue with I am busy watching a game with some guy co-workers, I will call you when I am done. My issue comes from the lie.

I do agree that the entire fight is childish and yes there are things I need to do different and yes I know that sending a snide text was not the best for the situation


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## mommyoftwo85 (Sep 23, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> Is she not raising their child why is it his child?
> 
> in my opinion they are both acting childish.
> 
> ...


I am sorry if that came out wrong. I am not trying to take blame and place it on him and not myself. Yes We both have acted childish and the fight is childish. We both have issues we need to work on. What I ment to say in short is I am not someone to call him 50 times a day I just feel that the only time we can communicate is when he is off of work and I do enjoy talking to my husband and letting him know the details of my day to day life as well as I enjoy hearing about his.

And yes she is our daughter


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## mommyoftwo85 (Sep 23, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> My humble advice, forget the furious kicking, screaming and stomping. No good will come of it. Forgive him for all past transgressions and you will be much better off.
> I think you can get what you want by asking nicely. But first you have to get him to listen. This is why you explain your understanding of his side to him, no one can resist a sympathetic voice to their suffering. Once you have his attention, firmly request that he call you 5 times a day or whatever you need. There is no loss of face for a man in tending to his pregnant wife and he can certainly do it if he can get himself pointed in the right direction.


LOL I want to kick, stomp and scream but I am aware that no good would come of that. Everyone has a inner child wanting to throw a tantrum when we feel we are not understood


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## mommyoftwo85 (Sep 23, 2011)

I do want to thank each and everyone of you for giving me advice, even though I agree/disagree with some. Having a unbiased opinion and giving advice in my personal situation is what I feel I need to see this in a different light and also try to understand what is going on.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

mommyoftwo85 said:


> I am sorry if that came out wrong. I am not trying to take blame and place it on him and not myself. Yes We both have acted childish and the fight is childish. We both have issues we need to work on. What I ment to say in short is I am not someone to call him 50 times a day I just feel that the only time we can communicate is when he is off of work and I do enjoy talking to my husband and letting him know the details of my day to day life as well as I enjoy hearing about his.
> 
> And yes she is our daughter


Just tell him my hormoans are all over the place with being pregnate and you not being here is making it worse I miss you so much could you please be understanding for me.

you catch more flys with honey than vinegar.


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## mommyoftwo85 (Sep 23, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> you catch more flys with honey than vinegar.


Very True


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## kitkat1 (Sep 14, 2011)

Just checking in to see how you are doing and to see if you had your baby yet? I think you and I are in a very similar situation and my heart goes out to you. My husband works out of state as well and comes home once a month. The challenges trying to sustain a long distance marriage are almost overwhelming...


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