# Another sucker!



## whistle (Mar 10, 2020)

Hi everyone. This is long, apologies.

On 02/2/2020 my wife gave me the ILYBINILWY line ("I can't do this anymore I want a separation, I'm not happy"), out of the blue of course, just like so many others here. We've been together 22 years, married for 15 years (She's 50, I'm 43.) "I just want to be on my own, I'm so sorry but I'm not happy, blah blah blah"...

Me: "Is there Someone else?"
Her: "No, no way".
Me: "Emotional affair?"
Her "No, absolutely not. I just can't do this any more I want my own space and want to live on my own. I'm so sorry".

I moved into the spare room the next night, on a camp bed! Been there since, now secured a rental but can't move in until 31st March.

Soon after the d-bomb I was Googling like a madman. I thought I understood: I've been neglecting her needs, I haven't shown her love, haven't listened like I should have etc. You know the deal here, right?

So I changed my ways straight away, washing, cooking, cleaning, smiling, enthusiastic... Nothing!

Time went on, I was doing the 180 as I saw fit, still nothing. 

Then, I snooped. Fk it, nothing was adding up. I found her FB log in details and logged into her messenger account. Oh **** me. An EA with a colleague has turned into a PA, I'll call him Ian, because that's his name!. This guy, btw, dated her best mate (of 30 years) about two years ago. She's mentioned to me before that he's a bit of a slag around work and has had most of the women. The conversations, which went back about 18 months, showed a friendship that developed into a lot more... *****. He was coming round our house when I was at work for "coffee", and going on dog walks with my ****ing dog!!!!!!

To be fair the FB cache didn't really uncover an affair, there was no "I love you's, I wanna fk you" etc...Think they've taken that to text or something else. 

So I snooped again, found her bank account login details and a credit card. She's only been going to a local pub (off the beaten track) for drinks etc. on days where she's been "really busy at work". Also, there was a debit for a pub close to his house for £53, on a day that she should have been at work. Obviously a nice bit of lunch and a couple of drinks. Fk me, she seems to be paying for everything but always complains to me that she's got no money. Mind you, this bloke is now in his second bankruptcy. Yeah, a real morally upstanding citizen, what a catch.

Looking back now there were lots of red flags. Protestations about her sister's infidelity, cringing at the thought of having a relationship with someone at work etc...Plus a few more.

Last Saturday Ian had a leaving do, he's going to a new job. She went out (she, at this point doesn't know what I know), and planned to stay with her female friend overnight!! She came home about 2pm on Sunday and put all her clothes straight in the wash. She was slow though, I emptied the wash to put in the dryer. Yep! sexy lingerie that I had bought her. Never wears that any other time. 

Chatting on Sunday night I asked her about her friend's place, that she claimed she stayed at, her eyes were wandering all over the place. I knew she was lying. My stomach punched.

Monday, I checked the FB messenger again. A couple of messages from some women she was out with on Saturday night "did you get home okay?" "Yes", she replied. Lying *****, didn't get home until Sunday afternoon.

Monday night, I knew she would come into my bedroom to ask about tea. So I had a webpage open " 7 ways to tell your wife is cheating". I left it in full view. She clocked it and her face hit the floor. I stifled my grin. Waited 5 mins and went downstairs, it looked like she'd been punched in the guts. Guilt! That's a good enough sign for me. 

After tea she brought this up. Just more lies and blameshifting. I accused her of having an affair with Ian, she denied it point blank "he's just a friend". Twenty minutes later she offered her phone to me to look at anything I want. I declined. Later searching her FB messenger, she has deleted her chat with Ian. Ha ha. It's kind of Orwellian really.

Tuesday and tonight (Wednesday) she's come home from work at her normal time, not like the last few week where she's been "so busy" and not getting home till 8-9pm. But her disposition has changed. She knows she's been rumbled and the guilt is killing her. Looks at the floor all the time and always looks like she's close to tears. 

Today, I've received a GPS tracker. It's going in her car tomorrow morning. I will catch this ***** cheating. She has put all the blame for this on me. I felt like a useless husband. My daughter and step-son know their mother isn't happy (because of me!). She's told the same story to her siblings and elderly mother. And all of her friends too. Fk me, I've even told my Mum and sisters that she doesn't love me any more because of my shortcomings as a husband. 22 fkng years and she wants to end it like this!!! Well if she wants a war she better be well armed cos I'm ready for nuclear war. 




.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You should just give her papers and get it over with. Ghost her, she deserves it and you deserve better.

I am convinced as soon as you get ILYBINILWY you should divorce the next day.


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## whistle (Mar 10, 2020)

sokillme said:


> You should just give her papers and get it over with. Ghost her, she deserves it and you deserve better.
> 
> I am convinced as soon as you get ILYBINILWY you should divorce the next day.


Ghost her? What does that mean? Thanks


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Means, leave the papers and don't talk to her or answer her calls for a few weeks or forever. Be gone like a ghost. Let her suffer. Thing is and I am sorry to say this it sounds like your wife has emotionally moved on. She may feel sorry and be guilty but the damage is done at this point. I think the best you can do is use her guilt to get the best divorce deal you can. 

It sucks but people do awful things, to people they supposedly loved at one time. 

The whole ILYBINILWY speech is usually said at the end. There may have been other times where she tried to tell you she was unhappy but once you get to those words in my experience the marriage is done. 

I am very sorry. It sucks, but you should know that you will survive and you can still have joy again. 

Also I would not cover for her, but I also wouldn't expect that even if you catch her red handed it will do anything but show that all her complaints about you were hedging her bets. This very well may be an exit affair. It's a terrible thing to do to someone.


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## whistle (Mar 10, 2020)

sokillme said:


> Means, leave the papers and don't talk to her or answer her calls for a few weeks or forever. Be gone like a ghost. Let her suffer. Thing is and I am sorry to say this it sounds like your wife has emotionally moved on. She may feel sorry and be guilty but the damage is done at this point. I think the best you can do is use her guilt to get the best divorce deal you can.
> 
> It sucks but people do awful things, to people they supposedly loved at one time.
> 
> ...


Thanks for taking the time to comment, your words, whilst direct, are very helpful. This is what I needed to hear. Thanks.


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

whistle said:


> Today, I've received a GPS tracker. It's going in her car tomorrow morning. I will catch this ***** cheating. She has put all the blame for this on me. I felt like a useless husband. My daughter and step-son know their mother isn't happy (because of me!). She's told the same story to her siblings and elderly mother. And all of her friends too. Fk me, I've even told my Mum and sisters that she doesn't love me any more because of my shortcomings as a husband. 22 fkng years and she wants to end it like this!!! Well if she wants a war she better be well armed cos I'm ready for nuclear war.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Why bother?

You won't likely get anything from it. It sounds like there is nothing that can convince you that she is not cheating.

Cut your losses and get on with life.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

attheend02 said:


> Why bother?
> 
> You won't likely get anything from it. It sounds like there is nothing that can convince you that she is not cheating.
> 
> Cut your losses and get on with life.


That is kind of the thing. Really if you want the best revenge if that is what it's really about, just wash you hand of her and your life with her. Don't let her tell you any lies, tell her you know she had an affair and she knows it too. Tell her you are sorry that she has become a person who would lie to someone who was faithful and loved her for 22 years. Whatever you were as a husband you didn't do this to her. And then move on. Make sure she knows that you don't need a wife like her. 

Yes it sucks but really what do you hope to gain. Get a lawyer and know your rights. And don't hide the affair from your kids.


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## whistle (Mar 10, 2020)

attheend02 said:


> Why bother?
> 
> You won't likely get anything from it. It sounds like there is nothing that can convince you that she is not cheating.
> 
> Cut your losses and get on with life.


Fair point, but I need her to know that I know. She's told so many lies that I want her to face the truth. I also need the truth.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

whistle said:


> Fair point, but I need her to know that I know. She's told so many lies that I want her to face the truth. I also need the truth.


This is fair and understandable. Just don't assume it's going to make her run back to you. Your wife is a different person now then she once was. Again in my experience from reading these sites though very painful it's easier for the folks who come to terms with that quicker then the ones who do slowly.

In a lot of ways it's like cancer, you have to cut it out sooner or later, you can do it quick or you can do it slow but no amount of wishing and hoping is going to put the genie back in the bottle.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

whistle said:


> attheend02 said:
> 
> 
> > Why bother?
> ...


You are never going too get the truth. Take it from me, someone who has been in your shoes.

Your best option is to cut and run. Serve her the papers and get out. Work on yourself, make yourself happy again.


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

Be sure to set the record straight with your mum and sisters.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Yes, correct ALL of the lies she's been telling everyone and convinced YOU -- set that straight with everyone, and tell everyone that SHE had an affair. No reason to let it hide in the shadows -- let everyone know that SHE was the problem. Make sure that her telling THEM was to justify her affair and that NONE of it was real.

FIRST -- get to a lawyer and get everything set in a plan.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Don’t bother with the GPS. 

Take backups of the data you’ve found. Call a lawyer, get your stuff sorted. 

Tell your support system that there’s another dude. Don’t tell your wife that you know. 

When the separation agreement happens, if she tries something that is unfair, tell your wife that you have ample evidence of the affair, and that if she doesn’t play fair in the divorce, it goes to everyone she knows. 

Only use this tactic if she’s being unfair. Use it only to make sure she is fair and nothing more. 

You want out, and you want to move on. With your head held high. 

And from a guy that’s been there, you will never know the whole truth. She may have been lying so long that she doesn’t even know what the truth is anymore. 

Focus on getting out and protecting your assets, not getting even.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER DECISION TO CHEAT.

Do not respond to her attempts to blame shift (or claim that you invaded her privacy). 

Every marriage has issues but she is 100% responsible for her decision to cope by cheating. Instead respond with something like: "I'm sorry you feel that way but you had other options for dealing with marriage issues (...or her personal problems) - but instead you choose to cheat.

The most effective initial response to protect yourself (and save your marriage if that’s what you want) is the same whether you ultimately decide to by R or D. First, in order to be taken seriously they must believe that you are prepared to divorce (bluff if necessary). 

You're in shock from her betrayal (google PTSD) and it will be months before you can think straight. Research the 180 (it's not intended to punish her but rather to give you space while you decide whether to R or D). Inform her that your initial reaction is to divorce, but you're giving yourself 90 days (extend as necessary) to calm down before making a final decision. 

Do not do the "Pick Me Dance" or cry in front of her or beg (or respond to their outrage & counter attacks). It doesn’t work (just the opposite). Experience shows that you’ll be viewed as ‘weak’. In their current state of mind, weakness is interpreted as a free pass to continue the affair. 

A spouse (and marriage life in general), can never compete with the emotional excitement of an AP, the high from the AP’s compliments, feeling young again, and the false mental image of the ‘perfect’ fantasy lover/partner created by your spouse.

Second, if there's any interest for R on her part, insist on NO CONTACT (NC) with the AP. That means she quits her job. NC is non-negotiable. Why? Because every time they see each other or speak the mental affair fantasy continues. Once a friendship has been romanticized or sexualized there must be no further contact. 

Third, insist on a timeline (subject to a polygraph test). Why? First, psychologically writing it all down converts their romantic memories of the affair into the ugly reality of betrayal/infidelity. Second, you can’t forgive or truly grant the gift of R until you know what happened. Third, the prospect of a polygraph saves time. Once you confront a cheater they go into self-protect mode and: only disclose what you already know, lie, minimize, withhold information, and often attack you for not trusting them (or spying on them). It doesn’t matter if you believe that polygraphs are accurate (only that the cheater believes you do).

Fourth, get yourself tested for STDs

Fifth, see your attorney (the first hour is often free) to learn how divorce will impact you.

Sixth, separate your bank accounts and change your life insurance

Seventh, affairs die when exposed. Public exposure is one of the few consequences a cheater experiences. Do not warn your wife in advance of exposing her affair (she'll discredit you). If the OM is married notify the OBS. Consider exposing her affair to employer, family, friends, and church.


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

whistle said:


> Fair point, but I need her to know that I know. She's told so many lies that I want her to face the truth. I also need the truth.


I'm so sorry that you have had this situation forced on you.

Echoing others - get a lawyer - if there are shared assets and income variances you need to get as much protection as you can. The earlier you can get an agreement (assuming you can) the better it may be for you - she is possibly too immersed in her A to be the bitter spouse most cheats become when called out.

And no - you will not get "the truth" - a few admissions may be - mainly those you are assumed to know already - but "the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth" - sorry - no chance. Cheats rewrite history to justify their betrayal - it becomes real to them and the truth is the first casualty.

Now - there are clues that you reside the same side of the pond as I. If so - much of the detail you have been offered may be inapplicable - the advice here tends to be direct and sometimes uncompromising but is worth reading - it comes from people who have experienced similar crises. Almost certainly you are in shock, your thinking may reflect that but talking urgently with an experienced lawyer means that you can get expert local guidance.

I wish you well.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

It sucks that she is involved with someone else. But she did tell you last month that she isn't happy and wants to separate. Too bad she didn't tell you BEFORE she got involved with someone else, but she's told you now, so let the relationship go! Prepare to separate and divorce. Don't waste time trying to prove her cheating or tracking her, etc. unless it can definitely change the financial outcome of your divorce where you live (check in with an attorney about that).


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Whistle,

You wrote, she has deleted her chat with Ian. Ha ha. It's kind of Orwellian really.

Insightful on your part, and I think the first time I saw someone make that connection in regards to cheaters. She who controls the past controls the future. It's in the gaslighting family of manipulations.

The OM in your case was a professional, similar to a pimp in that he gets what he can from women without caring about their well being. Your WW being married for a long time is a prime target, since being entirely selfish OM like that want women who are unlikely to talk and unlikely to have STDs.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

I am unclear what your objective is. Do you wish to reconcile or D? My advice if you wish to R is EXPOSURE! Nothing kills an affair like exposure.
Is Ian married? If so contact his wife. Now as for you, your WW needs a does of reality. Get a lawyer and have her served as soon as possible. 
Keep her in suspense. Simply leave your house at night and if she asks where your reply is “out”.

If you have no desire for R, just kick her ass to the curb. Be a man!


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Whistle, forgive her and get rid of her my man. You're 43. Find you a chick that's more your age; like 34-35. :wink2:


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> I am unclear what your objective is. Do you wish to reconcile or D? My advice if you wish to R is EXPOSURE! Nothing kills an affair like exposure.
> Is Ian married? If so contact his wife. Now as for you, your WW needs a does of reality. Get a lawyer and have her served as soon as possible.
> Keep her in suspense. Simply leave your house at night and if she asks where your reply is “out”.
> 
> If you have no desire for R, just kick her ass to the curb. Be a man!


Why are people talking about reconciling? OPs wife told him she wants to separate, isn't happy, isn't in love with him.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hello whistle,

I'm sorry you found yourself in this position, my heart breaks for you. Regardless of any issues, she was either too cowardly or didn't respect you enough to be straight with you BEFORE screwing around. Thankfully you have your wits about you and are acting. I know the adrenaline and sheer fury at being betrayed in this manner demands answers and or retribution. Unfortunately, neither will happen, make peace with that. Judges do not give a **** about who did what. We simply don't live in a time where respect, consideration, and civility means much in society anymore. I had that rude awakening in Texas, you'd think it mattered in the South. 

Feel what you feel, let it out, and please seek counseling, that's the best thing I ever did. At the end of the day, she threw you away, your love, loyalty, even her own children's respect means nothing to her. She is morally bankrupt and not worthy of you. Hold your head up high, and feel free to put the facts on blast to your social circle, that is, if you decide you don't want sloppy seconds. Let her OM take out the trash for you.

Please take care of yourself. Eat something, even if you have to choke it down. If you can, work out a little, or go for a massage. We'll be here at your disposal if you need a friend.


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## whistle (Mar 10, 2020)

Update: I'm in the UK and now posting at 08.07am.

Well I took the advice from so kill me and confronted her last night. It went something like this: "I know you're having an affair, you know it too. Why can't you just be honest for once and admit it? You've not only lied to me but our daughter, son, your family and friends too. You're caught up in so many lies I don't think you know what the truth is anymore". She obviously denied everything but with a shake of the head, she didn't verbalise anything. I pointed out a few red flags and other things. She said she'll "leave now then". Got in her car and disappeared. 

Unbeknown to me our daughter heard all of this and started crying saying "Mum's gone, what have you done?". I felt bad, not liberated like I thought I would. I waited an hour and sent the wife a text, yeah I know but this was for my daughter, not me. I told her to come back and stay here until she's able to move to her new place (we're in a temporary rental), which she has sorted in the last few weeks. She replied: "We are in this situation because of me, I also don't want to make your life anymore unhappy or uncomfortable than I already have, I'm sorry. I will come back tomorrow and get my stuff, it's not fair on you for me to still be there. I just want to make sure [daughter] is okay, or try to make it better than it is right now. If I can't find somewhere then I would appreciate a few nights to sort something and I don't want [daughter] living out of a suitcase".

I replied that she should just stay here until we can both move out. I don't want to force financial hardship on her. I know that's weak but my daughter is going to live with her and I don't want her to suffer because of this.

I've no idea where she went but she's come back home at 7am. Straight to bed, not sure if she's going to go to work or is having the day off to sort her stuff out and move out.


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## BigbadBootyDaddy (Jun 18, 2018)

How old are your kids, step-kids?


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

whistle said:


> I replied that she should just stay here until we can both move out. I don't want to force financial hardship on her.* I know that's weak but my daughter is going to live with her and I don't want her to suffer because of this.
> *
> I've no idea where she went but she's come back home at 7am. Straight to bed, not sure if she's going to go to work or is having the day off to sort her stuff out and move out.


Its not weak to sort your issues out. 

Just be wary of crocodile tears.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

TAMAT said:


> Whistle,
> 
> You wrote, she has deleted her chat with Ian. Ha ha. It's kind of Orwellian really.
> 
> ...


Yup...and the OM is much more aware of who she really is.
She has no idea what kind of pain is coming her way.
OM will not keep her around long.
Then she's all alone and her SMV has dropped next to zero.
Stay the course...Divorce.
I wish I had 20 years ago....


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

StillSearching said:


> TAMAT said:
> 
> 
> > Whistle,
> ...


Really, in all of this you are rating her Sexual Market Value? Yuck. How on Earth would you know anything about what her "value" is? OP should focus on himself, not what other men may or many not rate his soon to be ex as far as value.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

IMO, your wife's reaction when confronted and her follow up text is an admission of adultery. 
Do not accept any blame for her decision to cheat. There were always other options for her to deal with personal problems or marriage issues.

It's ok to give her time to find a place. You should always be civil to her. 

Every thing that happens (e.g., exposure, shame/guilt/tears, her moving out, divorce) IS NOT something you did to your wife. Your wife did this to herself. Its a consequence of your wife's decision to chose adultery. 

This is a lesson for your kids. Be aware that you are now a roll model (for your kids) for zero tolerance for adultery. 

Treat her civilly but as just a roommate. Talk only about your kids or the divorce. Distance yourself with: separate sleeping arrangements, cook your own food, wash your own clothes, don't be her buddy/friend or listen to her fears,hopes & dreams. 

Proactively start the divorce process and see an attorney. Get tested for STDs and separate bank accounts. 

If she's still in contact (even just working with the OM), then the affair continues (at least in her head). 

As reality sets in she may decide being single is not so great - and love bomb you. Just a note, if the subject of reconciling comes up. At a minimum, the OM and all her girlfriends that encouraged or covered up her affair must go.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

How old is your daughter?

Don't cover for your wife with kids or family. 

"Mom has a boyfriend and does not want to be married to me." 

Tell your family about her affair and any of her family who asks you what happened.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

One more piece of advice. 

DO NOT reveal the source of your information proving she's cheating. 

Why? (1) because she'll learn to get better at covering her tracks; 

ALSO, do not reveal how much you know. 

Why? because cheaters only admit to what you already know; and her not knowing exactly what you know puts you in control and encourages the truth.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I agree with the "Mom had a boyfriend statement", it's very good for your kid's future that you show them proper boundaries and sticking up for themselves but you need to become unemotional and clinical as best you can. This will be hard but it will keep you from giving of any hint of impropriety. When it comes to your kids the high road is where they are going to want to end up, that doesn't mean excusing her behavior. "Your Mom and I always told you not to lie, well she is doing the very opposite now. I need to protect my heart from that. I may not have been the best husband but I know I tried very hard to build a life for you and your Mom, I will never understand how she could do this to us and our family." It' also OK to show them how sad you are but when it comes to talking about their Mom you must be unemotional, do not attack her just use the truth to condemn her. Just speak the truth and do so unafraid but unemotional. 

Now all of this is assuming you were not a louse of a husband and didn't cheat on her first. Believe me you wouldn't be the first who comes on here and doesn't tell the full story. 

The sad thing is people grow apart, people don't always tend to their marriages the way they should. Spouses even plead with their partners to fix it before it's too late only to have those partners not listen and end of destroying the love that these people once had for them. That happens all the time in marriage. That is life, and not all that uncommon to marriage. But that doesn't excuse cheating. It's the disrespect and the lies, the disrespect even for yourself if you cheat that makes it awful. It's sad that your wife has done this. But you must protect yourself and you must detach. Like others are saying there is not going to be some type of closure that makes it make sense to you, at least in the short term. 

Also you must have the courage to believe that you will have a happy life again one day.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* @whistle ~ Whoops, there it is!

You owe her absolutely nothing, but you do owe yourself a visit to the barristers office to help protect your rights!*


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

sokillme said:


> That is kind of the thing. Really if you want the best revenge if that is what it's really about, just wash you hand of her and your life with her. Don't let her tell you any lies, tell her you know she had an affair and she knows it too. Tell her you are sorry that she has become a person who would lie to someone who was faithful and loved her for 22 years. Whatever you were as a husband you didn't do this to her. And then move on. Make sure she knows that you don't need a wife like her.
> 
> Yes it sucks but really what do you hope to gain. Get a lawyer and know your rights. And don't hide the affair from your kids.


:iagree: with this here. Definitely don't hide her affair from anyone; not your kids, not her family, not her friends, no one in your lives. This is all on her, no one deserves to be cheated on.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Really, in all of this you are rating her Sexual Market Value? Yuck. How on Earth would you know anything about what her "value" is? OP should focus on himself, not what other men may or many not rate his soon to be ex as far as value.


Our value is first assigned to us by our own internal calculation. 
By her words and response, she feels guilt. 

So, she 'presently' rates herself 'low', in this regard.

Any new man that she finds herself with, will certainly rate her 'lower' for her cheating. These past deeds have a way of surfacing at some point in the future.

Yes, this rating should be her moral rating, not her sexual value. 
These are very different values.

I agree, OP needs to concentrate on his future and his daughter's future. 
Leave the wife's future to her, alone.

To be honest, it is not the end of the world for either party. 
These happenings are common and can be lived through.


THRD-


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

whistle said:


> Update: I'm in the UK and now posting at 08.07am.
> 
> Well I took the advice from so kill me and confronted her last night. It went something like this: "I know you're having an affair, you know it too. Why can't you just be honest for once and admit it? You've not only lied to me but our daughter, son, your family and friends too. You're caught up in so many lies I don't think you know what the truth is anymore". She obviously denied everything but with a shake of the head, she didn't verbalise anything. I pointed out a few red flags and other things. She said she'll "leave now then". Got in her car and disappeared.
> 
> ...


Lol. 

Let her pack up and leave. She just abandoned her children. Go for sole custody. Document everything, talk to a lawyer immediately. 

She’s trying to throw herself a pity party in public to make you feel bad for her, while in reality all she’s doing is running off to bone the dude while the getting’s good. 

Change the locks. Inform the police that she has abandoned the marital home and her children. Document everything and get lawyers involved. 

You just got handed a very clean case for you to come out of this with your assets intact and perhaps sole custody as well. 

This is a gift horse. Don’t offer for her to come home again.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Livvie said:


> Why are people talking about reconciling? OPs wife told him she wants to separate, isn't happy, isn't in love with him.


All the cheating wives say that before they get caught. Its right out of the cheaters handbook . When they’ve been exposed though the tune is almost always reversed. Then comes the begging and pleading. She is hooking up with the company player who has been with many of the women there. He wants her long term like he wants a brain tumor💗🉑


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

As your wife is 50, I'm guessing she is menopausal.
A time when women re-evaluate their lives.
If she wasn't happy with you or the marriage, then this is the time it will blow up.
So yes, the being un happy with you because of your past behaviour, could very well be true, regardless of any affair, and not a case of rewriting history.

It could also be depression talking, that is so common in women going through this stage. And that could have been worked with if some douche bag hadn't seized his opportunity.

Once her fog has lifted, she will regret her involvement with him, and how much she has hurt you.
And this seems to be hitting home to her now, from your last post, when she admitted the situation you were now in, was her doing, and that she didn't want to make you any more unhappy or uncomfortable.

This is such a sad and nasty ending for you. Sorry you are going through this.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

PS:


> I've no idea where she went but she's come back home at 7am. Straight to bed


You know where she went. To see the guy. And you know why she went straight to bed - because she's tired from her sexathon with the guy.

I'm not trying to be crass. I'm trying to get you to see your wife the way she really is. Encourage her to leave again, and this time, don't let her come back.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Marduk said:


> PS:
> 
> 
> > I've no idea where she went but she's come back home at 7am. Straight to bed
> ...


Nope. If they both own the house he can't "don't let her come back".


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Livvie said:


> Nope. If they both own the house he can't "don't let her come back".


Talk to a lawyer about it. If she has abandoned the house and children with the intention not to return, a case might be made depending on your local laws. Especially if she has also abandoned the children - the primary goal is often to keep the children safe, and they can't be with a mother that abandons them and then comes and goes whenever she feels like it.

For example, when my father left my mom and had a new primary residence, he lost legal access to their house, even though he still owned it. As a marital asset it was divided in the divorce, however he couldn't come and go as he pleased in the time between when he left and when the assets were divested.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

The only person you need proof that She’s cheating for is you!!!

Since you know, what are you going to do now???? 

Don’t you deserve somebody better than someone who will lie and cheat on you??? 

Go see a lawyer and get out of this hell that she put you in!!!


Good luck and stay strong!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

EveningThoughts said:


> As your wife is 50, I'm guessing she is menopausal.
> A time when women re-evaluate their lives.
> 
> If she wasn't happy with you or the marriage, then this is the time it will blow up.


Correct, menopause for most women starts at 51, and ends after one year with no periods. It is accompanied by mood swings, hot flashes, a drop in libido, painful sex, etc.

Some women can have premature menopause, as early as age 40. Any start is normally genetic.

Peri-menopause normally starts at age 47, with irregular periods, spotty bleeding, etc.

The highest prevalence of cheating in women is at age ~37 after "7" years of marriage, the 7 year itch. The urge continues in their forties.

I like to put the blame on cycles. 

In truth, it is a combination of factors. It is part of our natural age structuring that sets this behavior off.
It often is a last ditch effort to find a better relationship.

Of course, done so, while the woman herself, still feels competitively attractive.

Life is predictable.


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## whistle (Mar 10, 2020)

Just want to say a heartfelt thanks to everyone who has replied. All of your comments show you have been through this and have a clearer understanding of my situation than I do currently. 

She's now back. No locks changed, no refusal of entry. I've told her I will keep things civil until we both leave. I can't handle the stress of more arguments, it's starting to affect my work and I can't let that happen as I have my own small business. 

It's good to share my thoughts here. I don't have anyone else to talk to. We moved to a new city 10 years ago. Primarily because she got a promotion. I was able to relocate my job that I was doing at that time. I've never made an effort to make new friends as I was happy with family life. She's a nurse. When we met she had a mundane office job. A little while after our daughter was born she was discussing returning to work but was not overly enthusiastic about the same type of work. I asked her what her dream job would be, " a nurse", she replied. I encouraged her to train. I found an Access course at a local college (these courses are required in the UK before you can go to Uni, if you've been out of education for a while). She completed that and then did a nursing degree. For those four years life was tough financially, I was not earning a lot but we managed and struggled through. I was happy to graft to make sure she could realise her dreams. That support and encouragement has now been thrown back in my face. 

She's done well and has worked her way through the grades. She manages people now too, her AP was a subordinate, believe it or not. This is another sign of her damaging behaviour: if that relationship had come to light in work she could have been dismissed from her job, she has to ensure, as a nurse, that her behaviour and professionalism, do not contravene the rules set out by the RCN (Royal College of Nursing), who provide her with a registration to operate. She seems to be on a path to self-destruction. Is this self-hatred? 

My daughter has been distant from me today and refused a hug with me earlier, that broke my heart. She can see no wrong in her mother. I don't want to lose her too. She's 15. My step-son, who I helped raise from the age of 7 is now 29. He lives away from home after settling after doing a degree. He's a great lad but will obviously only see good in his mum too. It feels like me against the world at the moment. 

I have been seeing a therapist and was due another appointment on Monday. I've received an email from her today advising that all future face-to-face appointments have to be cancelled due to the threat of Corona virus. Everything is a hurdle at the moment.

I've still got 19 days left here before I move out. I've bought some appliances (a small fridge, washing machine) today ready for the move. This, whilst practical and necessary made me realise what a **** show this whole thing is. I know I need to look to the future and think of me but **** it's hard. I see no joy in being on my own in a city full of strangers.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

whistle said:


> Just want to say a heartfelt thanks to everyone who has replied. All of your comments show you have been through this and have a clearer understanding of my situation than I do currently.
> 
> She's now back. No locks changed, no refusal of entry. I've told her I will keep things civil until we both leave. I can't handle the stress of more arguments, it's starting to affect my work and I can't let that happen as I have my own small business.
> 
> ...



whistle,

I feel you, man. I moved from another country and had no social life outside my husband and my family either, so when **** hit the fan, I was on my own, every last one of them threw me to the wind. You have us here to talk to for as long as you need a friend. We've all felt the outrage, agony of betrayal and grief for the lives and dreams gone up in smoke. I know it's hard to see it right now, but you will be ok *hugs*. I spent a few weeks frozen, I thought I was going to die, it hurt so much. It really helps to hear that it's ok going to be ok, so I'm telling you now, you will be ok. I'm just past the 6-month mark and feeling much more positive about life in general, and even dating a man I like.

Can your therapist organize phone/video sessions instead? If not, you may be able to find someone who can. I can't understand how it must hurt that your daughter is shunning you. I don't have children of my own, but the man I'm dating has a similar issue. His ex-wife cheated on him with a younger man AND married him a month after their divorce. Through it all, his daughter (8 at the time, now 18) completely rejected him and continues to do so. At 15, she's plenty old enough to understand what happened, what her mother did to your family, so the only thing I can suggest is to see if you can locate some therapy for her too if you find an online provider.

I have one suggestion to help with stress management. My therapist introduced me to mindful meditation- simply breathing in and out and focusing on each breath, dismissing every thought that pops up one by one. The point is not to be perfect, but to clear your mind. He also recommended "10% Happier" by Dan Harris. It's a book about how he suffered a mental breakdown on national TV due to stress and how he used meditation to live more in the present and manage his stress. This book and meditation have been invaluable to me, it's helped keep me from becoming overwhelmed. If you would like any more information, feel free to PM me.

Keep strong, my friend!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

whistle said:


> Just want to say a heartfelt thanks to everyone who has replied. All of your comments show you have been through this and have a clearer understanding of my situation than I do currently.
> 
> She's now back. No locks changed, no refusal of entry. I've told her I will keep things civil until we both leave. I can't handle the stress of more arguments, it's starting to affect my work and I can't let that happen as I have my own small business.
> 
> ...


Way, way too “nice.”

Why are you the one that’s leaving?

Why is your daughter mad at you instead of her?

Why so many words about how she’s doing and what she wants, and almost none about how you’re doing and what you want?

Conflict is coming. Might as well get used to it and wade right in.


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

arbitrator said:


> * @whistle ~ Whoops, there it is!
> 
> You owe her absolutely nothing, but you do owe yourself a visit to the barristers office to help protect your rights!*


Fully agree with the sentiment - but in England he should visit a solicitor.

For future reference - in England - normally a member of the public deals with a solicitor. Solicitors are the advice givers and form fillers that usually deal with family matters. They tend to have offices in the town centre or in a modern edge-of-town office block.

Barristers are usually instructed by a solicitor and appear for the solicitor's client in court - they are the advocacy part of the legal profession - particularly higher courts as some solicitors will appear before magistrates in the lesser courts. Barristers operate within Chambers and wear wigs and gowns in court.

Layman's thoughts - no doubt someone more knowledgeable can improve on them.


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

whistle said:


> . She seems to be on a path to self-destruction. Is this self-hatred?


 Whilst she might be seeking self-destruction as a way to handle cognitive dissonance it may (more probably?) be an indication that she is in the early stages of her PA and "in-the-fog". 

At this stage everything is shiny and new, the possibility of discovery is unthinkable and no-one is going to get hurt whilst she enjoys what she is convinced is simply the chance to "be herself" - quite possibly with the "love-of-her-life".

Now is when you must get things sorted. You must get competent professional advice but IMO you should see her as an enemy - if only because that is how she will see you as soon as she thinks you are destroying her dreams.

You sound somewhat conflict-avoidant. That is the way to get ripped off. Seize, through your solicitor, the situation, don't let her argue or shout - simply refer her to your legal adviser but don't, whatever you do and however it frightens you not to do, go for a quiet life. And don't disclose what and how you know to her.

As to your step-kids - frankly, if they take the side of a cheat rather than you - let them go - they are unworthy of your love, just as their mother is unworthy. 

I kicked my XW out when I was nearer 50 than 40. It wasn't the end of my life, it was the event which lead to twenty-five years I wouldn't swap.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

cp3o said:


> Fully agree with the sentiment - but in England he should visit a solicitor.
> 
> For future reference - in England - normally a member of the public deals with a solicitor. Solicitors are the advice givers and form fillers that usually deal with family matters. They tend to have offices in the town centre or in a modern edge-of-town office block.
> 
> ...


*Can you even begin to fathom what attorney's here in the States would look like wearing wigs?

Thanks so much for filling this Texas rube in! *


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I wish there was a painless 10 program to protect yourself and exit infidelity. Unfortunately, you are in conflict with someone that will not treat you with love or respect - and being passive and overly acommodating makes you vulnerable. Being nice or passiveness in the face of betrayal is viewed as a free pass to take advantage of you. 

If you have difficulty verbally confronting face to face (including to your kids), then consider putting your message in writing. 

Cheaters all share certain personality characteristics, including: selfish, entitled, deceitful, and lacking in empathy for their partner. 

Save the evidence of the affair in a safe place. Your attorney may be able to use the evidence (and it's impact on her career) as a bargaining chip in divorce.
For example, it sounds like you paid for her career. 

See your doctor and tell them what you told us. They can help you with sleep and stress.

Do not move out without first speaking with an attorney. Why? because the court may just assume you abandoned your family.

Generally nurses have many employment options. 

Consider taking control and blowing up their convenient affair by insisting your wife find another job (away from the OM) or you will report her to HR.
That way she doesn't get fired - and you don't have to tolerate them working together.

Do the kids know that their mother committed adultery? 

Where is she sleeping?

Why are you moving out?


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## whistle (Mar 10, 2020)

Robert22205 said:


> Do the kids know that their mother committed adultery?
> 
> Where is she sleeping?
> 
> Why are you moving out?



1. No, she hasn't admitted it. Although she's no longer denying it (to me, at least).

2. In the marital bed! I'm in the spare room. 

3. We are in rented accommodation. This was meant to be temporary before we bought a house again. In the UK you typically sign a 6 month tenancy, this then rolls on if you wish to stay beyond the first 6 months, We moved here in October 2019, so the 6 months expires in early April. She has given 1 month's notice on the property so we have to be out by April 9th. She's secured a new place and so have I. We'll both be renting for the short term.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

whistle said:


> Update: I'm in the UK and now posting at 08.07am.
> 
> Well I took the advice from so kill me and confronted her last night. It went something like this: "I know you're having an affair, you know it too. Why can't you just be honest for once and admit it? You've not only lied to me but our daughter, son, your family and friends too. You're caught up in so many lies I don't think you know what the truth is anymore". She obviously denied everything but with a shake of the head, she didn't verbalise anything. I pointed out a few red flags and other things. She said she'll "leave now then". Got in her car and disappeared.
> 
> ...


 @whistle, your wife doesn't want her daughter living out of a suitcase, but she was perfectly happy for her daughter to be living in a household riven and damaged by her being a liar and a cheater? 

See all the best divorce solicitors in your town/area for a free initial consultation with each of them about your impending divorce. 

You'll get a feel for which one is the best for you. As a byproduct of this it could mean they would not be able to act for your wife due to a potential conflict of interests. And as Sergeant Major Williams used to say in regards to this type of thing:-


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Whistle,

Here is a simple to-do list:

1.) *Get in touch with a solicitor.* Learn your rights and the procedures you need to follow. As most are telling you, you probably need to follow through with a divorce. This can be halted if she becomes truly repentant and remorseful. 

2.) *Start practicing the 180 Technique.* It is to help you detach and start healing. You tried to nice her back and it always fails. No more trying to reason with her. Here is a link for the 180: https://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2014/03/the-180-for-hurt-spouses.html

3.) *Separate all finances.* Take all credit cards that have your names on them and have them stopped. Take 50% of any savings and put it in a separate checking account. Change your will if you have one. Take her off all insurance policies as a beneficiary.

4.) *Have yourself STD tested.* This why we don't have sex with prostitutes. People with multiple sex partners carry diseases. Even if she hasn't been with anyone but the other man, there's no telling who _*he*_ has been with.

5.) *Try to get yourself in individual counseling.* Protect your mental health.

6.) *Do not have sex with her.* This could be construed by a court as "forgiveness".

7.) *Stop being a "Nice Guy".* The saying is, "Nice guys finish last." Here is a link to "No More Mr. Nice Guy" free pdf version: 
https://yourpdfs.com/no-more-mr-nice-guy-pdf/

8.) *People are drawn to those who show courage, strength, and take decisive action.* She and her children will recognize this later and will respect you for taking action against infidelity. *Be that man and show them how to react to adversity.*


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

whistle said:


> Hi everyone. This is long, apologies.
> 
> On 02/2/2020 my wife gave me the ILYBINILWY line ("I can't do this anymore I want a separation, I'm not happy"), out of the blue of course, just like so many others here. We've been together 22 years, married for 15 years (She's 50, I'm 43.) "I just want to be on my own, I'm so sorry but I'm not happy, blah blah blah"...
> 
> ...


Yeah they love to have that gaslighting, blame-you-garbage going on. We get such a constant stream of how lousy we are that we don't even question it.

Google "Female Mid-Life Crisis". It has absolutely zero to do with you - except you aren't at the top of your field and ranking in top percentile income (with her dependent on you)


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Brother, why are you letting her call he shots and ruin you in the process?
She has done nothing than make conscious decisions to lie, cheat, distort the truth and kill your reputation with your children and extended family, whilst you have supported her.
Start the hard 180 know, shine a light on her actions to the Nurses board, family, all who will listen. let her know you have been tested for STDs because of her actions 
Stop feeding her actions.
Buffer


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

Livvie said:


> Really, in all of this you are rating her Sexual Market Value? Yuck. How on Earth would you know anything about what her "value" is? OP should focus on himself, not what other men may or many not rate his soon to be ex as far as value.


common knowledge:

1 most of the OM are only willing to meet minimum of the WW needs to get NSAS.

2 this is why most OM dump the WW when she says my marriage is over I am all yours.

3 the OM do not want to buy the cow they just want the free milk.

4 hence the low market value placed on the WW.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

TDSC60 said:


> How old is your daughter?
> 
> Don't cover for your wife with kids or family.
> 
> ...


married people do not have BF or GF and go on dates with them.
well mom has a BF (insert OM name so the children know who the OM is)
and she has been going on dates with him.

this is known as having an affair, infidelity, cheating.


this is age appropriate for children 4 years old because the understand
BF/GF concept and of right from wrong and cheating. no gory details
are used.


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

How is it going with the lockdown? Is she with him or you and the children?
Buffer


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

Just checking in on you. How are you doing?


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## whistle (Mar 10, 2020)

Kamstel2 said:


> Just checking in on you. How are you doing?


Hi, thanks for asking. Haven't been here in a while because of this virus/lockdown. I've got other issues too now. I'm self employed and work has come to a complete stop so I have zero income at the moment. All of my savings have gone on securing a new property. I know it's similar for a lot of people but what with this infidelity too it feels like everything's against me at the moment. 

I think it's been a few weeks since my last post so an update:

We're still under the same roof. I'm moving out next Tuesday (31st), WW and my daughter are due to move out on the 4th April. Tenancy for the current address ends soon after that. I've tried to be civil to keep my sanity and not to upset my daughter. But I haven't given up. 

After I told her I know about her affair, and who with, I knew she'd go dark. One of the benefits of this forum. So I've got a GPS and VAR in the car, based on advice in other threads here. Amazingly!! after I confronted her there's no more working late, even coming back early sometimes. GPS confirms she's been going to work and straight home, no detours etc. Also, the lockdown in the UK has meant pubs and restaurants aren't open, so their favourite place is now out of bounds.

The VAR, though! Wow...even though I knew 100% she was cheating, I wasn't prepared for the punch in the guts on hearing it all for myself. Damn, I was shaking like a leaf and nauseous listening to their conversations. Also, what's weird (to me, at least), about 18 months ago I met OM. WW's best friend (of over 30 years) was dating him and we went out for drinks as a foursome. Yes, you've read that right, OM was dating WW's BEST FRIEND. Anyway, I'd assumed that she hadn't told her about her affair. Conversations on FB Messenger between the two didn't show that. But a telephone conversation, picked up by VAR, confirms her friend knew. Euuuggghhh, how can you fk your best mate's ex???? That's just way too disgusting for me to even consider. Show's the morals of the woman. 

Also, VAR shows she's a pathological liar. She lies to everyone. Some little white lies, some big lies, but lies nonetheless. I've not had a chance to read into the psychological machinations but I think she may be living in a fantasy world and always trying to make her look like a perfect person to everyone she interacts with. You can see this from the phone conversations, it's like she has a different voice for different people. It's so weird, I thought I knew her, but I really don't. I read a quote the other day, along the lines of "you learn more about someone at the end of a relationship than you do at the beginning". Ain't that the truth.

I've now all the evidence I need. I'm biding my time. On Sunday/Monday evening I'm going to expose her. I'm leaving it until then as we're all living here and I can't deal with the fallout whilst we're all together and I'm stressing about no income/new flat to move into etc. So the timing is for me, not her. The solicitor (attorney) is closed due to the lockdown!!!, just the family law department, so can't file but I have it in hand. I've drafted a letter which I will give her on Sunday/Monday, detailing: I'm filing for divorce, aware of your affair, have evidence (not specified), had to have STD check, you haven't just lied to me but your whole family and everyone else. I'm giving her a choice: she tells daughter and son, and her side of the family the truth. If not, I show them the truth. Also, her workplace/HR/governing body (she's having an affair with a subordinate), all friends and phone contacts will be told.


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

whistle said:


> I'm giving her a choice: she tells daughter and son, and her side of the family the truth. If not, I show them the truth. Also, her workplace/HR/governing body (she's having an affair with a subordinate), all friends and phone contacts will be told.


I have some idea as to where you are emotionally - it sucks - bigly.

Don't make hasty decisions and rely on your solicitor for advice.

Now - some non-legally qualified advice from some one who spent 25 years with a pathological liar.

Your wife is now your enemy. Not because you want her to be so - because that is the way to protect yourself and those you love. 

She will not tell anyone the truth. She probably doesn't understand why being truthful is such a big deal. If she is, as she sounds, a pathological liar - she doesn't lie (defining lying as saying something that you know to be untrue) - she simply states what her brain tells her is most likely to get her whatever she, in that instant, wants. If the facts disagree with what she says - they are wrong - "fake news".

If you want her to tell I recommend that you give her a deadline to tell - and then tell them yourself including showing the evidence. The truth will compete with her story - but it may lose out.

I'm a believer in getting the truth out there first - otherwise you will be trying to knock down the wall of untruth - especially about you - that she will have erected in their minds. She may have been building a view of you that distances you from those you care for for years. It's one of the characteristics of full-blown psychopathy. I was very close to my daughter until she was 10 - by 15 the wedge was hammered in - I've had no contact for nearly 20 years - I'm told she admits that she has no justification for shunning me - but the misinformation was so subtle, and for so long, that she cannot admit it happened. See my bio and PM me if you want me to share more.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You could write a script for her @whistle. Then make sure she sticks to it


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Was this the article you read? https://dadstartingover.com/seven-signs-wife-is-cheating/

If so, thanks for reading! 

Sorry you're in this mess. All the stories are so similar. Every guy becomes hyper-analytical... looking for ONE more bit of evidence that will wrap up everything so well. A year from now you're going to look back and say that you should've just left early on and been done with it. But, I get it. We've all been there.

Check out this book I wrote for guys in your shoes: https://dadstartingover.com/now-what 

Good luck, my friend.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

Great job whistle!!! 

Continue to stay strong and keep moving forward. 

Be sure she tells the truth to your kids and family. Don’t allow her to rewrite history and make you the bad guy.

Keep your head up!
Be proud of your refusal to stand for her behavior!!


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## whistle (Mar 10, 2020)

Hi guys, just want to say thanks for your continued support.

I 'manned up'. No more Mr Nice Guy. Didn't need to give her the letter that I mentioned in my previous post. 

On Friday night we were chatting, she was discussing her colleagues getting re-deployed to other departments to deal with the virus (she's a nurse). I asked about a few people I knew of, then... "so where's Ian (OM) going?" She said a department, I don't recall. "So are you going to visit him there to suck him off?". Her face turned white. "What's wrong with you? I'm not having an affair with him". She lied.
"Yes you are, you need to stop lying to me and not just about this but about everything. You're so entrenched in a world of lies you don't know what the truth is anymore". This went back a forth for a few minutes, the volume increased and the hate fed itself, never before in 22 years had we argued like this. I threw a few facts at her and she kept attempting to gaslight me. I laughed at her in that arrogant way when you know you're right and someone's lying. I mentioned details of FB Messenger chat, Credit card bills for pubs and restaurants when she said she was meant to be working late. Still she gaslighted me. So, we were in the kitchen, I took the keys to her car and went outside. Came back straight away with the GPS and VAR in my hand. Told her what they were. I specifically mentioned the VAR and what it does. That was the killer. Her face, demeanor, and body language changed immediately. She was beaten. She admitted it without me having to replay any of the sordid recordings. No apology, no regret, nothing, just an admittance. A lot of tears followed and then fake signs of regret. "If I had a time machine...blah blah blah"...
. 
Like a settled mushroom cloud that follows the atomic bomb, a calm ensued. And for the next couple of hours we managed to talk in an adult and civil manner. I never lost sight of the 'believe 0% of what you hear' though. For the first time in two months I felt peace. It was the truth I needed and nothing else. I demanded she tell our daughter as she thinks I'm a madman for accusing her of cheating. "No, it's got nothing to do with her, don't bring her into this". It was now 2.30 in the morning, I was tired so called it quits. 

Saturday morning was eerie. I was up first and she came downstairs crying. I told her that she has no need to fear me (she got a bit scared seeing me so angry the night before), and that I was calm and at peace now I had the truth from her. She said she had time to reflect and she will tell (daughter), once they're settled into the new house. ********, I thought, just buying time so when I'm out of the way I won't be able to force her hand. I nodded but defaulted to the 'believe 0%' mantra. The rest of the weekend came and went without much drama.

Monday (today). WW is at work. I'm at home packing my stuff ready to move tomorrow, daughter is home too and going to help me. I move the fridge freezer from the kitchen to near the front door. I damage the kitchen flooring in the process! I make a quip to my daughter "oh typical, your mum hates me already, now she's really going to hate me". 
"But you've done nothing wrong dad", she says. I give her a puzzled look as if saying 'what are you talking about?".
" I know she's been cheating, dad. I heard you both on Friday night. I'm so sorry I didn't believe you before". 
I felt horrible, she shouldn't be caught up in this mess. "She's even lied to me too. When you accused her a couple of weeks ago, I asked her straight: "Is there anything going on?", She said her mum looked her in the eyes and said "No". 

We stopped what we were doing and spent the next two hours talking. She asked me what I knew. I told her everything (except for the explicit details, obviously). She said she'd spent the last couple of days processing it and could now see the red flags herself: working late, moody when home, phone secrecy, not engaging with family matters etc. I told her that her mother 'plans' to tell her soon, "Yeah, okay, I'll look forward to it and telling her I already know, but I don't think she will, I think she was just lying to you again". She's a bright kid! 
This was just what I needed. It was my last day as part of the 'family' and I was feeling pretty low, but then her admission and our chat filled me with another sense of peace and calm. "Someone on my team!". 


WW returned from work and appeared sad and emotional. I tried to be business-like but asked her "what's wrong?, apparently she now "loves me and is going to miss me". "Were you missing me when you had another man's **** in your mouth?" I wanted to ask but bit my tongue. 
Tomorrow I leave. My daughter is helping me move. I have to do it myself as removal companies aren't working because of Corona virus! I feel there's a good conversation happening again. The D is in the pipeline but delayed because of this f*****g virus!!! I'm looking to the future,my future, for the first time since the d-bomb hit me square in the face. 

Two months ago I was drowning in the lies of ILYBINILWY Then I found this forum. On face value some of the replies I read were stark. Especially from prolific posters like @Marduk and @sokillme. But ultimately these are the ones that have helped me more than anyone else in the 'real world'. Succinct, direct, cutting, and spoken with experience. Had I not found this forum I would probably never know that she was cheating, and still, like an idiot, doing the pick me dance'. So thank you to one and all and please keep helping the poor bastards that keep appearing here.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

What a great kid you have.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

You don't sound like a "Nice Guy" anymore, & I mean that in the most positive manner.


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

You should be so proud of your daughter. Let WW know daughter has the full picture due to No Fault of you. 
One day at a time
Buffer


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Remember, @whistle, we'll still be here for you and their other other sub forums for divorce, etc. We have your back.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I think you're going to be just fine, man. 
Your life will suck a lot, get a little bit better, then suck a little less, get a little bit better...
Just know that peace of mind you have felt comes from knowing that you weren't crazy, that you understand yourself, and you can do anything - you've proved it to yourself.
I know I could torch my whole life if I had to and rebuild it - because I did that once and didn't just regroup, but thrived. I think you will, too.
Keep posting through your journey. It's far from over, but you're on the right path.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

How are you doing?
How did the move go?


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

You have made remarkable strides in a short period of time, I know it may not seem like it, but you have. Now that you have moved out of the hornets nest, your daughter knows the truth, now just stay safe and healthy.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

EveningThoughts said:


> As your wife is 50, I'm guessing she is menopausal.
> A time when women re-evaluate their lives.
> If she wasn't happy with you or the marriage, then this is the time it will blow up.
> So yes, the being un happy with you because of your past behaviour, could very well be true, regardless of any affair, and not a case of rewriting history.
> ...


 No she won't regret it. She will deny and gaslight to everyone and everything to her best ability. Such people can't admit that they done anything wrong, it was always someone elses fight, and they were entitled to act that way.


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## whistle (Mar 10, 2020)

Kamstel2 said:


> How are you doing?
> How did the move go?
> 
> 
> ...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

No contact is your best path. Your daughter is old enough you won’t need much interaction if any.
Keep everything separate. Like most you’ll probably get the “lets be friends“ ploy. This is all for her not you. If you want out of the mess and move on nix that.

Definition of friend = loyal, honest and trustworthy.

Learn to ignore. If not you’ll stay tied up in this. You are the only one that can keep yourself in this.


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## whistle (Mar 10, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> No contact is your best path. Your daughter is old enough you won’t need much interaction if any.
> Keep everything separate. Like most you’ll probably get the “lets be friends“ ploy. This is all for her not you. If you want out of the mess and move on nix that.
> 
> Definition of friend = loyal, honest and trustworthy.
> ...


Good advice, thanks very much.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@whistle there is a Social Section on TAM for off topic banter and fun. Take a look.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Her motive for reaching out to be 'friends' with you is to help make herself feel less guilty for her behavior.


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