# Have I Pushed Him Too Far?



## mssherlock22 (Oct 27, 2011)

When I discovered my H's EA, 9 mos ago, I did state that if he wanted to continue our marriage, I could not live with his still going to lunch, talking on the phone, or FB messaging with her. He mentioned that they played Farmtown together & did I mind if they continued since he did not have to communicate with her to do this.
I did not like it but I was afraid of losing him entirely if I pushed too far since he stated that they did not share any romantic feelings or it never went physical & he had only feelings of friendship.
I have since talked to him & he just admitted that he has feelings for her.
After his admission, I told him that I wanted him to un-freind her on FB & quit playing Farmtown for the simple reason that I did not believe that his feelings for her would go away if he continued to see her pic & have even Farmtown contact w/her.
Am I being too demanding or paranoid?


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Answer: NO you have not. You are his wife, the woman he is committed to and thus have every right to make sure that any seemingly innocent relationship he has with another woman is totally open to you for scrutiny.


----------



## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

No, you are not being too demanding, its a simple request, and one he should have offered to do on his own.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Of course he cannot have an innocent friendship with her now. He can't have an innocent ANYTHING with her now. He should cut off 100% contact with her.

If you expect anything less, you are the one who is being unreasonable and you will be disrepecting yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mssherlock22 (Oct 27, 2011)

Thanks for the replies.
I thought that he should have done all this at the time I discovered the EA that he had hid from me for 2 years but he did not offer to cut any contact with her. It was all my ideas & I admit I have gotten tired of being the "bad guy" & "paranoid, Jealous wife".
I am so hurt & wonder if I can continue to live w/a husband who has feelings for another woman even if it did not go physical.
I am only holding on by hoping that w/no contact, his feelings will fade away eventually.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Once you cheat on your spouse ANY kind of contact with the AP is no more than to rub salt in the wound. Period.
Life long contact. If he wanted a friend he screwed up it by cheating with her. No way to spin it. Not such a thing as remain friends from no on.
Gezz even if you didn't cheat you cut contact with people who causes pain and distress to your spouse, just becuase you love him/her.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

No contact is obviously just the start if you want him to return fully to the marriage.

What is your situation with counseling? Sorry I don't recall.

Have you read the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass? He needs to read it as much as you do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mssherlock22 (Oct 27, 2011)

yes, Acabado, that is exactly what I thought & said to him.. If my relationship with anyone else outside our marriage hurt him-even if just friends & not romantic, & came between us, I would cut that person out of my life immediately. He is always the most important.
I guess this is what I still can't understand. How could a friendship mean more that hurting me?


----------



## mssherlock22 (Oct 27, 2011)

to Iheartlife:
We aren't in counseling. I don't think he would ever go. He is too private a person.
I have gone twice myself.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You need to be a lot more demanding-because otherwise, you are just a doormat. Men call this "manning up." You need to do the female version, "momming up."

Take a firm stand on no contact, and mean it. Let him know his bags are ready to be packed and you expect him to move out if he will not break contact or sneaks back into contact after agreeing to stop. I think counseling is essential in this case, and I'd insist on that too. If he is so damn private, why has he brought another woman into your marriage? What a crock, and you are buying it.

Quit making excuses for him or accepting his. He's cheating, emotionally at the very least. Either he joins you in confronting the problems in the marriage--AND he stops any contact with the OW, or he needs to leave. Pretty simple, really. If he won't leave, file for a legal separation and/or temporary order so you can get the separation from him that you need. 

I really, really encourage you to insist on the counseling. You are going to need it. Go alone if he won't, but don't engage with him or have sex with him or live as a married couple while you are in any doubt of whether he is remorseful about cheating and willing to commit 100% to working on the marriage. And be prepared to face your faults, too, b/c the breakdown of a good relationship is almost never one person's doing (although of course the cheating is). 

Good luck.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Just unfriending her and no longer playing the game with her doesn't get her out completely. He can still check out her page even if not friends on there. The only way he CAN'T is if he blocks her or she blocks him. And that's what my husband and I did with OW and OM.


----------



## mssherlock22 (Oct 27, 2011)

Just a follow-up. Talked to H again about FB friend & he agreed to un-friend her & to be open about any contact from her. 

He has done this & things are much better.

Hope this helps someone else.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

mssherlock22 said:


> Just a follow-up. Talked to H again about FB friend & he agreed to un-friend her & to be open about any contact from her.
> 
> He has done this & things are much better.
> 
> Hope this helps someone else.


Just to be clear, block her page, not just unfriend. Also block all her known email addresses on FB.

I agree you should insist on counseling. Privacy is one of the dumbest excuses about counseling I've ever heard. If he's so embarrased, then he should stop hurting the marriage. That type of damage isn't something you just get over. It results in rug-sweeping, and that leads to repeating history. Don't fall for his lame excuse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

Check your browser history to make sure he didn't set up a fake facebook so he can continue to "play" Farmville with the OW.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Better keylog PC/phone


----------



## hopeforbetter (Mar 20, 2013)

Have you asked him why he felt he had to have this relationship with someone else. Not to be an excuse but maybe there is something he needs, he might not feel wanted or appreciated or listened to at home. I used to think my husband did not have emotions needs or wants but they can be very sensitive and sometimes have different ideas of what the solution is.


----------

