# Is this sexting???



## bony1 (Feb 28, 2013)

Hi everyone,

I'm new here and i want to tell my story and get other peoples opinions please.

Up until a few moths ago my marriage was great, i have been married for 12 years but been with my partner for 18, we have 2 kids. Around Xmas time i felt something was changing and i asked my wife if everything was ok a number of times, she said everything was fine and we were getting on really well.

I still had a gut feeling that something was not right so when paying her phone bill i checked the call/sms usage and there was a number on there that had been sent 25 sms messages over a 2 week period while i was at work or sleeping. These sms had been deleted from her phone and i began to think something was not right, i then checked her phone contacts and the number was what i thought was an old male friend.

This was beginning to eat me up so i looked in her phone again and the first few lines of his and her txts were there to see in the phone history. He was trying to get her to have sex with him and she did eventually said no there was a great deal flirting going on between them. She was saying that if she was single she would and that what she wants and can have were not the same thing, eventulaly he said yes or no and she said she would love to but no unfortunatly no. that was the end of the txts to each other.
I confronted her about this straight away and she knew she was caught. this guy was someone she admitted to having sex with before meeting me. I asked how he got her number and she said she gave him it after her started sending messages on fb.

I feel totally betrayed and a few weeks later i am struggling with it, i love my wife and she says she loves me and does not want anyone else, she says our relationship, sex, etc, etc is great. I have major trust issues with her now even though i know she said no to him.

Is this regarded as sexting or am i overreacting ???

All opinions are welcome

sorry for the long post!


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Yep. That's sexting.

First, you trusted your gut and that speaks volumes, man. Second, if you're here asking then you're not overreacting at all. Yeah, she may have said "no" to him in the physical manner, but she was still flirting away with another dude...and another dude who she's had sex with already to boot! She actively gave him her number - I call that fishing...whether or not she followed through is immaterial. Intent showed through with her texts and more than likely the facebook chats. She said she'd "love" to bang the guy!!

My opinion is she needs to be transparent now...all passwords and access to accounts and stuff. That should help a bit with your trust, but you still need to address the 800 pound gorilla in the room: WHY?


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Congratulations. You may have caught it before it went physical. It may have not been her first rodeo tho.

Tell her she has now given up the right to privacy.

Watch out for burner phones. VAR her car next gut feeling you get.


----------



## bony1 (Feb 28, 2013)

Thanks for the quick reply. I do have access to her facebook and email, etc,etc. i insisted that she unfriend and block him and i am toying with the idea of getting her to remove him from her contacts list and changing her phone number. She said that she knew this was going to far and that she was hoping he would have texted her back so she could tell him to stop but i think she is only saying this because she was caught. she insists that nothing would have happened physically but i feel like i have been cheated on.

What do you think about changing her number???


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sexting -- "the sending of sexually explicit photos, images, text messages, or e-mails by using a cell phone or other mobile device. "

What you have described is not sexting. You did not find sexually explicit photos or sexually graphic messages.

What you descirbe is some flirting.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed would she have been so forgiving and accepting as you have been. I am sorry to say but there is something wrong in your marriage for your wife to engage in this sexting. She disrespected you as a man and spouse. You need marriage counseling. This is very serious. Good luck.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

bony1 said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I'm new here and i want to tell my story and get other peoples opinions please.
> 
> ...


It is called cheating.

This was all just a dance to eventually have sex. You want to put a label on it and that is all well and good but this is NOT just flirting either. It is way beyond inappapropriate. It may be the start of an EA but this is sexual in nature. She is being unfaithful.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Can't she just block him from her cell?


----------



## bony1 (Feb 28, 2013)

There were explicit sms sent by him and she admitted enjoying it???


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

bony1 said:


> Thanks for the quick reply. I do have access to her facebook and email, etc,etc. i insisted that she unfriend and block him and i am toying with the idea of getting her to remove him from her contacts list and changing her phone number. She said that she knew this was going to far and that she was hoping he would have texted her back so she could tell him to stop but i think she is only saying this because she was caught. she insists that nothing would have happened physically but i feel like i have been cheated on.
> 
> What do you think about changing her number???


I think changing her phone number is absolutely something to do as well as totally block him on facebook. For now, I know on our Android phones my wife and I can block numbers for both calls and texts. Front line defense here.

Even though she insists nothing physical would have happened, she never got to that bar in the middle of another town with him and had a few drinks and swapped old "remember when" stories. Yeah. It woulda gotten physical...she just doesn't want to accept that she's capable.

You feel like you have been cheated on because you have. Look, man...there are plenty of people on this forum who have had their spouse do "nothing" but sex chat with people and they've divorced. Fact is infidelity doesn't have to be physical.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

bony1 said:


> Thanks for the quick reply. I do have access to her facebook and email, etc,etc. i insisted that she unfriend and block him and i am toying with the idea of getting her to remove him from her contacts list and changing her phone number. She said that she knew this was going to far and that she was hoping he would have texted her back so she could tell him to stop but i think she is only saying this because she was caught. she insists that nothing would have happened physically but i feel like i have been cheated on.
> 
> What do you think about changing her number???


She is not being honest with you. Her telling a man she would like to have sex with him but cannot is not a no. It is a tease. It is I really want you so keep trying.


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> She is not being honest with you. Her telling a man she would like to have sex with him but cannot is not a no. It is a tease. It is I really want you so keep trying.


This...right here...THIS is f'ng key, man.

Case in point, my wife when she began her affair said, "We really can't/shouldn't be doing this."

In the end, that was nothing more than a way to heighten the sexual tension and add to the lust in their hearts. I know this because she has told me.

Nix it now!


----------



## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Bony,

Make sure you check her phone for messaging apps, like Kik.

She could still be communicating with him, but not via traditional texting.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

bony1 said:


> She was saying that if she was single she would and that what she wants and can have were not the same thing, eventulaly he said yes or no and she said she would love to but no unfortunatly no.


To me this is obviously the second act in the affair continuum. Already in an EA, WS initially rejects the PA, but not in such a way to discourage the POSOM from continuing the seduction dance. 

Left unchecked, WS eventually succumbs to PA, but can rationalize that she "tried" to be honorable. Never mind that all the while she allowed the EA to continue. 

By admitting that she wants to but can't, she's practically giving him an open invitation to continue to pursue the PA.

You need to alpha up now. Demand a no contact letter and complete transparency from her. Get her passwords and continue to check phone records. Expose to his significant other if there is one. Covertly monitor her with key logger, VAR, and spyware.

Maybe, just maybe, you caught it in time to prevent the PA.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Case in point, my wife when she began her affair said, _"We really can't/shouldn't be doing this."_
> In the end, that was nothing more than a way to heighten the sexual tension and add to the lust in their hearts. I know this because she has told me.Nix it now!


Also called foreplay.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

bony1 said:


> There were explicit sms sent by him and she admitted enjoying it???


Dude, she was in contact with an EX lover. This is just wrong even if they just discussed the good times they had.

But she interacted with him and ate this up. She said she wanted to but could not.



> She was saying that if she was single she would and that what she wants and can have were not the same thing, eventulaly he said yes or no and she said she would love to but no unfortunatly no.


This says I want sex with you. This is way beyond enjoying hearing he wants sex with her. She wants just as much as him. I am not sure what you are looking for. I get that you are trying to deal with it.

What are you boundaries? Be advised their affair may have just gotten started but this is not over. 

Does she have other male friends?


----------



## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

You can't say "This is sexting." It is what it is. If you're not comfortable with it, it must stop. Make her feel the urgency of the matter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Have her change her number and deactivate her Facebook.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bony1 (Feb 28, 2013)

Thanks for the replies guys and girls, she has allowed me access to phone records, email, fb etc. she is willing to change her number and said she will do anything to keep us together. i will get her to change her number and the guy has been blocked on fb.

I know the guy is not in my country at the moment and i want to see if he tries to contact her when he returns, she says she wants to tell him not to contact her ever again if he tries too.

I want to work things out but she has been told any contact after this with him whatsoever will result in the end of our marriage!

Thanks for all the opinions


----------



## Asian (Nov 4, 2012)

She said "no" give her credit!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

bony1 said:


> I want to work things out but she has been told any contact after this with him whatsoever will result in the end of our marriage!


Since you set this ultimatum if you DO find her contacting him again, which is not uncommon in situations like this, make sure you follow through with it by filing for divorce. If you make a threat you don't back up it will just embolden the cheating spouse to keep doing what they're doing with no fear of consequences.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Make it very real for her, by demanding she sign a POST--NUP, and take her off all social websites for now---and her phone is open to you at all times, and tell her if you see anything deleted, you will assume she is hiding things----tell her D., is at the other end if she violates any boundary-------she has to have accountability, and face reality--cuz she encouragd the illicit EA, and allowed it to get out of hand---WITH SOMEONE SHE NEVER SHOULD HAVE TALKED TO IN THE FIRST PLACE


----------



## bony1 (Feb 28, 2013)

Asian said:


> She said "no" give her credit!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know she said no and i know she could have went with him if she wanted too. what i failed to say in my first post is that after she said no the was no more contact( i found out 2 weeks later).

That is the only thing that is making me think that we might be able to work it out. If there is anymore of this then it will be over and she knows it too!


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I challenge she said no. I heard at least a maybe.

I heard she wanted him. That is not a no. I get that she literally did not start planning to meet.

She should not have been communicating with him, but she could have shut him down and ended contact. That would be NO. Instead she left the door open.

My wife telling another man she wants sex with him is being unfaithful.


----------



## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

She may have said no but as long as they are in contact,
there's still a chance in the OM's eyes....

Have her write a letter of NC to him clearly stating that the
communication between them is over with. He is not to contact her again. 

Make sure you look over the letter with her and then YOU send it, certified mail.

Point is, follow through. Don't assume that she'll handle it herself.
Make sure it gets done and done the right way. Be perfectly clear.

No room for error here.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

cantthinkstraight said:


> She may have said no but as long as they are in contact,
> there's still a chance in the OM's eyes....
> 
> Have her write a letter of NC to him clearly stating that the
> ...


Right.

In fact even if things break off he knows she wants him. So he will keep pursuing. One maybe trumps a bunch of nos.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Follow up. Snoop. We don't want youth have to come back here with a pa story.

When you alpha up she might hate it consciously but unconsciously she loves that you are claiming her as your woman. It increases her attraction when you are strong.


----------



## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Right.
> 
> In fact even if things break off he knows she wants him. So he will keep pursuing. One maybe trumps a bunch of nos.


Exactly.

If I was some POS and I had a married woman telling me
THAT, do you think I'd stop and snap my fingers in disgust?
Give up? Take my ball and go home?

Hell no.

I'd be more like "Hell yeah, I'm so gonna screw this broad. I've got her right where I want her."

This OM who's tempting her is far more appealing to her sexual 
senses because a cheater becomes addicted to the cat and mouse.... 

The chase is far more exciting to her than boring old life at home with the hubby. 
If not dealt with properly, fantasy soon takes over and she'll be screwing him before you know it.

He needs to put his foot down.

Sad thing is, even if and when he does that, she could still 
fly the coupe... but at least that gives him a best shot.

Which is why I put emphasis on him getting it right.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

She said "No" but it came out: "Try a different way or let's try different things 'cause I'm married" 

She knew to delete the sms but kept it going. SHE never once told him to "back off bub- don't call me again" 

You should invest a little time in snooping around in his background. Find out if he is married. If he is rain down hard on him by informing his wife.


----------



## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> I challenge she said no. I heard at least a maybe.
> 
> I heard she wanted him. That is not a no. I get that she literally did not start planning to meet.
> 
> ...


This is true.

This "no, but I wish I could" response would have led to a meeting to talk about old times. We all know that once we have sex with someone there is a chemistry there that makes every ex love a danger. With her weak response he would have her in a hotel within 2 hours.


----------



## bony1 (Feb 28, 2013)

Hi everyone,

just want to post an update on the situation. I got my wife to sms the guy and tell him that nothing would ever happen with them, she did not want him to contact her again and that he had been removed from her social media pages. Well he responded, Don't worry i would never go with a married woman and it was all a joke to him nothing more but feel free to remove me.

I told her never to speak to him again, her phone no has been changed, blocked him on fb etc, and i have access to all email, phone acc whenever i want. 

So i will see how this all pans out and i will update if anything happens!

Thanks


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

bony1 said:


> He was trying to get her to have sex with him and she did *eventually* said no there was a great deal flirting going on between them. She was saying that if she was single she would and that *what she wants and can have were not the same thing*, eventulaly he said yes or no and she said *she would love to but no unfortunatly no*. that was the end of the txts to each other.


If I was going after her, this tells me she's playing the game and that I will get to bang her. It definitely shows she's interested in having sex. *All I have to do is play the game a little longer*. If she wasn't interested, she would have shut down the talk immediately.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

bony1 said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> just want to post an update on the situation. I got my wife to sms the guy and tell him that nothing would ever happen with them, she did not want him to contact her again and that he had been removed from her social media pages. Well he responded, Don't worry i would never go with a married woman and it was all a joke to him nothing more but feel free to remove me.
> 
> ...


Just be wary that this was a Emotional Affair (EA) with an ex lover. The majority of the time, and EA is just the prelude to the full on PA. You caught it before it went PA, but since she shares an intimate history with this ex lover, you must be aware of any fishing attempts.

A good sign is that she's being willingly transparent. Looks like you've acted better than many of the BHs coming to this forum who are afraid and only want to rugsweep.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

bony1 said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> just want to post an update on the situation. I got my wife to sms the guy and tell him that nothing would ever happen with them, she did not want him to contact her again and that he had been removed from her social media pages. Well he responded, Don't worry i would never go with a married woman and it was all a joke to him nothing more but feel free to remove me.
> 
> ...


Good. Trust but verify .... indefinitely. Years at least. She has shown interest in this and best to make sure it dies. Not just with him. You are going to have to monitor her boundaries with other men period. That sux. I would not want to do this.

In time you can ease up a bit but I would not do that for a while.


----------



## superspy (Mar 4, 2013)

I am going thru a somewhat similar situation where my husband has sent some sexual/flirtatious emails to a coworker recently. It all depends on your definition of cheating but seriously consider the fact that this is very hurtful and disrespectful to you even though she said no. She must recognize that engaging in this conversation, especially saying she would like tohave sex but cannot, is very innapropriate. It hurts so much to think of your beloved spouse wanting someone else


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Wow. A win of sorts. At least for now.

Wins are too rare here.


----------



## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

Your wife totally dropped the whole thing as soon as she was busted. It sounds like she will do whatever it takes to make it right. She probably led him on so it wouldn't stop. Attention is hard to pass up.
She may need to address why she's feeling like she needs more attention. You handled the symptom but you haven't found the actual problem.
If your not careful this will crop up again with who knows.


----------



## bony1 (Feb 28, 2013)

dogman said:


> Your wife totally dropped the whole thing as soon as she was busted. It sounds like she will do whatever it takes to make it right. She probably led him on so it wouldn't stop. Attention is hard to pass up.
> She may need to address why she's feeling like she needs more attention. You handled the symptom but you haven't found the actual problem.
> If your not careful this will crop up again with who knows.


She dropped it 2 weeks earlier and there was no further contact, it was only when i was paying cell bill that i looked at the usage and found it. I cant disagree that this may crop up again and since i have access to her phone, email, fb, etc ,etc then she is going to have to go out of her way to get up to no good and if she does then my relationship with her will end!


----------



## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

What the hell does it matter what you call it??? Sexting, Scrapbooking, Whatever!!! . 

You know for sure its a man trying to convince your wife into having sex, And your wife is flirting and keeping it a secret from you by deleting. text messages. Sure she denied it but what the hell took so long and why was she entertaining the thought in the first place???

You better set some very strong boundaries because she is way out of line for someone who claims to be married.


----------



## LostAndContent (Feb 22, 2013)

AlphaHalf said:


> What the hell does it matter what you call it??? Sexting, Scrapbooking, Whatever!!! .
> 
> You know for sure its a man trying to convince your wife into having sex, And your wife is flirting and keeping it a secret from you by deleting. text messages. Sure she denied it but what the hell took so long and why was she entertaining the thought in the first place???
> 
> You better set some very strong boundaries because she is way out of line for someone who claims to be married.


:iagree:


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

you did great.
Your wife got inappropriately wrapped up in something but she did shut it down before it destroyed her life. You now have new policies in your marriage and can speak opnely about what she or you could do to harm your marriage...doing right vs doing wrong things, And that both of you have to be vigilant.

I would label it not as something she did terribly wrong, but more like a lesson in life about protecting and maintaining your marriage.


----------



## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

Looks to me like you handled it right. I hope it works out for you. You and your wife need to set and follow boundaries to prevent recurrence


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

bony1 said:


> I know she said no and i know she could have went with him if she wanted too. what i failed to say in my first post is that after she said no the was no more contact( i found out 2 weeks later).
> 
> That is the only thing that is making me think that we might be able to work it out. If there is anymore of this then it will be over and she knows it too!


There was only no more contact because she said no and all he wanted was a shag. I bet my bottom dollar (this is a very good player tactic he was using BTW) that she was disappointed he didn't contact her anymore, yes, no contact because HE didn't contact HER, but she was very disappointed he did not continue the pursuit. She would not be pursuing him. It was him pursuing her all the way. And so the NC was purely due to her saying 'no' to the sex. He wanted the shag, she said no, he left her for a while to think about it and hot up before he contacts her again.....you know the rest. You realised just in time. And she was loving it. Obviously. And she was not doing the pursuing. Not yet anyway. But everything she did was to say 'please continue to pursue me'! 

I don't want to alarm you, but this is often how it works. It is the push pull technique, and it works magnificently. 

I agree with the 'foreplay' comment from dig, I also believe her 'no' was meant, but only half heartedly. She was being sucked in to the fantasy of him and his player techniques very well. 

She had very poor boundaries, very poor, as she encouraged his sex talk by expressing her wishes to reciprocate. 

She is good to have said no...eventually, this is one point in her favour, but her saying no was too little too late. I think you caught it in the nick of time. I would not dismiss her totally though. I think the 'no' means a lot, even though it seems to mean so little. 

She did not want to have an affair, she wanted to keep her boundaries, but she was enjoying the flirting far too much that it would only have taken the right/wrong thing at the right/wrong time to have made her say 'oh fu*k it' to those boundaries. 

You DO NOT have a serial cheater on your hands. You have someone who was slipping and sliding in her marriage and needs a kick up the ass to remind her exactly what marriage is. And it seems you are doing just that. In my opinion, you are doing the right thing, and so is she in her openness and transparency, but I do think you need to look at not only spicing up your marriage with loving, communication and understanding, but also get that post nup in place with the divorce papers ready just to show her in no uncertain terms that she had better not f*ck up like this again.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

bony1 said:


> Thanks for the quick reply. I do have access to her facebook and email, etc,etc. i insisted that she unfriend and block him and i am toying with the idea of getting her to remove him from her contacts list and changing her phone number. She said that she knew this was going to far and that she was hoping he would have texted her back so she could tell him to stop but i think she is only saying this because she was caught. she insists that nothing would have happened physically but i feel like i have been cheated on.
> 
> What do you think about changing her number???


I know EXACTLY how you feel and yes it is cheating. No contact, no texts, every password and still hold some things back. My wife doesn't know I have access to her phone records. So, I randomly check her phone and then compare with anything deleted that seems strange.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

bony1 said:


> She dropped it 2 weeks earlier and there was no further contact, it was only when i was paying cell bill that i looked at the usage and found it. I cant disagree that this may crop up again and since i have access to her phone, email, fb, etc ,etc then she is going to have to go out of her way to get up to no good and if she does then my relationship with her will end!


This is why I am still married, she ended it immediately. The corners of your mind are dark, prepare for a rough period. My wife is a manger and I recently had her request her phone records from the store. Too much TAM reading had my wheels spinning. She did it willingly with me present, so if she can't get them at least there was no hesitation.


----------



## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Bottom line she said no. You need to draw some boundaries with her. Let her know that you are not okay with her being friends with old boyfriends on facebook and giving out her number. Even though she said no, she was putting herself in a position to jeopardize your marriage. She needs to put a thick, impenetrable hedge around your marriage.


----------

