# Tips for letting go of your Ex



## parker

Does anyone have some tips that they can share that helped you to accept your divorce and move forward? I still feel like I am stuck sometimes.


----------



## LongWalk

How long were you married? Do you have children?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 06Daddio08

If there is something that you used to do previous to your marriage that you once loved but eventually stopped doing, get back into it.


----------



## parker

Married 6 years with two kids. It don't think that I should still be hurting like I do. I am trying to just get over it but it's so hard sometimes. We have been over and divorced since he decided that he didn't want to be married anymore.


----------



## Jellybeans

Hobbies. Get some.
Exercise.
Sunlight
Friends - reconnect with old ones; make new ones
Good support system (family, friends, therapy)
Take a day trip somewhere you've always wanted to go but haven't yet
Do something new you have always wanted to
Buy a new shirt
Flirt with someone
Don't force yourself to do anything you aren't ready to
Time. Time is the big one.


----------



## bravenewworld

-Meditation 
-Taking classes. Community college is a great option! 
-Eating healthfully
-Stretch your body every day and get massaged as needed
-Reading books that inspire you
-Avoid looking at your ex's social media
-Buy all new and sexy lingerie
-Get a really good haircut
-Deep breaths. Focus on the present.


----------



## ne9907

I found this 

Almost what everyone else has already said but it is from the internet so it must be true 

(yeah, that was my attempt at being funny)

9 Ways to Get Over Your Ex | Your Kick Ass Life Coaching


----------



## parker

Thanks. Great tips. Great article. I still struggle with it daily though, I can't stop thinking about losing him and our family breaking up. Sometimes I feel like I can conquer the world, other times I feel extreme sadness.


----------



## happy as a clam

Long walks

A new (or old) hobby

A new pet -- get a rescue animal and watch how it changes your life!

A new cause -- is there something you've always wanted to be involved in but didn't do? For me, it was volunteering to welcome the troops home

Keep a journal -- be creative, and messy! Don't be afraid of the blank page

Learn something new -- take a class

Attend lectures, book readings, local concerts in the park -- most are free

Go away for a night -- even if its a hotel down the street. Go somewhere with an indoor pool where kids can swim. Change of scenery is good. And take your journal.


----------



## Wolf1974

parker said:


> Thanks. Great tips. Great article. I still struggle with it daily though, I can't stop thinking about losing him and our family breaking up. Sometimes I feel like I can conquer the world, other times I feel extreme sadness.


I think that's pretty normal to feel those highs and lows. Once your new normal sets in the old one is easier to look past

Wolf


----------



## aston

avoid text messages unless it has to do with kids (if you have kids)
don't store any keepsakes from the relationship
cut them off including their friends/family unless you run into them
get a life of your own
find new hobbies or go back to what you did before meeting him/her
if he/she tries to reach you never acknowledge, just ignore


----------



## parker

I have been doing the opposite of everything that is suggested. Why? Because I want my marriage to be glued back together again. 

I am finally forcing myself to detach.


----------



## aston

Detach and get a life of your own and watch the balance of power shift. By doing all the things suggested it can go two ways. It's a gamble...it can really work, or it can make you a doormat for him/her to walk over you.
If you let people do it they will *hit on your head. Simple.


----------



## arbitrator

*Being with you, my beloved friends here on TAM, helped me greatly during the separation as well as the divorce process.

And once I've started talking to another sweet woman that I met on eHarmony, the thoughts and memories of my cheating, skanky XW are rapidly fleeting by the moment!*


----------



## 3Xnocharm

parker said:


> I have been doing the opposite of everything that is suggested. Why? Because I want my marriage to be glued back together again.
> 
> I am finally forcing myself to detach.


I didnt see how long you have been divorced, but it sounds pretty fresh. In addition to the amazing advice you have gotten so far, I will just add this....let yourself feel the pain and let yourself grieve for a while. You have gone through something painful and life altering, and its OKAY that you are hurting. Once you have done this for a time, then start digging your way out of the pain. You cant grieve forever, life moves on. You have to make it a conscious choice to start focusing on moving forward and pushing the grief out.


----------



## parker

I feel grief because we have been divorced for almost 6 months. I just want to get over being divorced. I know It seems like I have a lot of self pity, but what can I say? It hurts. And I wish that it didn't.


----------



## ne9907

watch this

Should I Try To Get Back With My Ex Or Should I Just Move On? - YouTube


----------



## ne9907

2galsmom said:


> ne. That video is over a hour. I can only watch social media videos of 11 seconds or less in duration, I am very Hollywood. Can you offer a shorter pitch?
> 
> And your attempt at humor in the first post succeeded, I am just too lazy to to go back and click like.
> 
> Good luck OP. You could go insane after repeated abuse and then they could try to kill you, that often solves the problem but it rules out the whole being friends with them later, I don't advise it.
> 
> Time will help, 6 months is still very new in the healing process.


It is about how to successfully make yourself happy.


----------



## parker

Here I go again. I was feeling better and overall my mood and spirits were better. I even reached out to two of my girlfriends to make plans to do some of the fun girl stuff that I haven't done in ages. 

Then I got a text message from Him that he was missing me. 

Then I replied.

Now I feel crappy all over again. It's going to be a long day.


----------



## Wolf1974

parker said:


> Here I go again. I was feeling better and overall my mood and spirits were better. I even reached out to two of my girlfriends to make plans to do some of the fun girl stuff that I haven't done in ages.
> 
> Then I got a text message from Him that he was missing me.
> 
> Then I replied.
> 
> Now I feel crappy all over again. It's going to be a long day.


Well that's a huge part of the problem. Why is he texting about anything other than the kids? Tell him to stop that. 

Have you tried dating?


----------



## EnjoliWoman

parker said:


> Here I go again. I was feeling better and overall my mood and spirits were better. I even reached out to two of my girlfriends to make plans to do some of the fun girl stuff that I haven't done in ages.
> 
> Then I got a text message from Him that he was missing me.
> 
> Then I replied.
> 
> Now I feel crappy all over again. It's going to be a long day.


How long did the divorce take? I know my state is odd with the 1 year waiting period but other places you can be divorced in a month so that plus 6 months isn't very long. 

The best way to get over is to not engage with him. Hopefully you didn't answer "I miss you, too".


----------



## parker

I have received "I miss you" text messages often, and yes, in the past, I replied by saying "I miss you too". It's true, I do miss him. And besides that, there is a soft part of my heart that he still has. I didn't tell him to stop sending lovey dovey text messages to me.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

parker said:


> I have received "I miss you" text messages often, and yes, in the past, I replied by saying "I miss you too". It's true, I do miss him. And besides that, there is a soft part of my heart that he still has. I didn't tell him to stop sending lovey dovey text messages to me.


You MUST stop responding to these, or you are NEVER EVER going to be able to move forward. He should stop sending those out of consideration for you, too.


----------



## parker

You're so right about that. It's so hard though.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

parker said:


> You're so right about that. It's so hard though.


Trust me, I understand how hard it is. My ex had me sucked back in at least three different times believing that we were getting back together and every time, bailed on me. All that did was prolong the pain for me and delay any chance of healing. I just had to stop talking to him, it was the only way. And HELL YES it was hard. But you gotta do it.


----------



## Deejo

Here is your list of responses to inappropriate texts from your ex-spouse. 

Text: "Miss you." Or any variant there of.

Response: "That's nice."

Text: "Thinking of you."

Response: "Thanks."

Text: "Wish I was with you right now."

Response: No response for 3 hours, then; "Sorry, was on a date."

Text: "Why are you being so cold/mean/ insensitive/ distant?"

Response: "Trying to heal from a divorce. You should do the same."

What he is doing is sh!tty. It helps neither of you.

Grab some self empowerment. He's not respecting boundaries, and its costing you.


----------



## parker

Those responses are hilarious! Thanks. I really wish I would've taken that stance months ago. I think that I've wasted way too much time being sucked into the illusion that he loves and misses me so much that we will reunite and live happily ever after.


----------



## Deejo

People tend to fall back to comfortable patterns at times when they feel uncomfortable. 

In other words, if he is feeling lonely or unsure, he believes he can reach out to you, and you will respond, most likely making him feel better. 

But don't confuse that with a strong desire to reconnect with you and reconcile. Because it isn't.

Him reaching out to you is like a child reaching for a security blanket. And to my mind, it is patently NOT something a grown man should do. It's cheap.

Does he care about you? Probably. But that being the case, he should leave you the hell alone.

Empower yourself. There was a point in time in your life when you were chugging along and living, without this guy in it. 

Your life will be that way again. Once you decide to make it that way. There is better out there waiting for you. Trust me on that.


----------



## Jellybeans

I agree with Deejo. He is putting on feelings because you are the 'ol security for him. See, if you respond in kind, he won't feel as bad; it absolves him from the crap thing he is doing.

My ex would do this, too. I told him straight up to stop contacting me unless it was related to the divorce. It was painful enough what we were going through but to have him telling me all these sweet things and being all over the place were too much to bear. 

It's an emotional ploy.


----------



## parker

Ouch, that hurts to hear, but it's finally sinking in. In other words, he's not trying to get back with me; I'm only providing comfort for him and easing his guilt. 

I am losing respect for him. Why does he think it's okay to play with my emotions??? 

I hope you're right and there's something better out there.


----------



## In_The_Wind

He probably isnt aware of this and is just concerned with himself ie he was the one that didnt want want to be married anymore. Let him have his wish.


----------



## tulsy

Ya, I agree with others who said get new hobbies.

Try all kinds of things. Have you seen the movie "Yes man"? Be up for anything.

- cooking
- exercise
- travel
- sex

My favorites above, not in any particular order.


----------



## Jellybeans

parker said:


> I am losing respect for him.


Good. That is the first step to moving on.


----------



## Ceegee

"Tips for letting go of your Ex"

From a tall building?

A bridge?

From an airplane flying over an active volcano?

Humor works for me.


----------



## parker

Lol that works for me too.


----------



## parker

Thank you all for helping me see the true perspective of things. I feel like I got a wee bit of myself back. Usually when he contacts me to say he is sad/depressed/lonely/fill in the blank, I spend the entire day trying to help HIM feel better. Now I see the error of my ways. 

Today I let him know that he has to deal with divorce and it's ramifications just like I do. It was his choice so he has to deal with it. Then I changed the subject to the kids


----------



## Deejo

Perfect.

If you want to sound off or reach out to him, just post here instead.


----------



## parker

I feel physically, emotionally, financially, mentally drained. And my ex got off scot-free. It's not fair.


----------



## Ceegee

parker said:


> I feel physically, emotionally, financially, mentally drained. And my ex got off scot-free. It's not fair.



You only think he got off scot-free. 

You don't know what he deals with. 

So don't worry about him. 

You're tying your happiness to him. 

Placing conditions on your happiness only hurts you. If he gets punished somehow will you be happy? If he doesn't you won't be?

Be determined to be happy within yourself because you're the only one you can control and the only one you have to be with the rest of your life.


----------



## FOH

parker said:


> I have been doing the opposite of everything that is suggested. Why? Because I want my marriage to be glued back together again.
> 
> I am finally forcing myself to detach.


I thought I was the only one who did that. I am still having a hard time two years later. But by changing my attitude and refocusing myself on positivity it should get better.


----------



## arbitrator

Jellybeans said:


> Good. That is the first step to moving on.


*Parker said earlier that "I'm losing respect for him." Well, I have totally lost all respect for that skanky XW of mine! And who couldn't?

My problem is when I often go back to thinking of how unselfishly we felt about each other, how in love we were with each other when we met, and then have it blow up in our faces like an errant grenade.

It's greatly taught me to reinforce the notion that there are absolutely no guarantees in life!*


----------



## parker

I pray that in two years that I am either healed or at least at the tail end of the healing process. I'm trying to solely focus on my happiness without tying it to him, as Ceegee suggests. I keep replaying past events from my marriage in my head and I'm really kicking myself because I didn't see the red flags from day one. In my next relationship I will keep both eyes wide open.


----------



## badcompany

parker said:


> I have received "I miss you" text messages often, and yes, in the past, I replied by saying "I miss you too". It's true, I do miss him. And besides that, there is a soft part of my heart that he still has. I didn't tell him to stop sending lovey dovey text messages to me.


Your response should have been "I miss you the way you used to be, but I don't miss you now".
6 months is pretty fresh you need more time. I've had it easy in that regard that every interaction with my stbxw involves more of the same attitude that made me leave in the 1st place.


----------



## Hardtohandle

parker said:


> Does anyone have some tips that they can share that helped you to accept your divorce and move forward? I still feel like I am stuck sometimes.


When she hangs out the 4th story window hold the shoes. She will slip out of them eventually.

But all kidding aside, you have heard this 1000 times.. 
The answer is * Drum Roll*
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

*TIME*

For me talking to everyone helped.. Friends, family, co workers, Therapist, Strangers.. I didn't give a sh!t.. I got it off my chest.. 

keeping busy..

Dating really does help.. For me dating was the worry until I found out it shouldn't have been.

When my Ex was leaving I hated giving up her cell phone bill because it was a connection to her.. Even if I drove me nuts seeing she would call this other man moments after I left for work and after I went to bed.. 

But one week after I couldn't see her cell phone bill I felt better. 
Weeks ago I cut out all her relative off my Facebook friends list. I got tired of seeing all the functions we used to go to together for 19 years and now me and my kids where no longer invited. Though my Ex shut out not only me and my kids but also her whole family and relatives.. Basically anyone who could say something negative.. But me and the kids were punished.. 

Once I got rid of them I felt better. 

You need to disassociate yourself from your Ex.. I have 2 kids with my Ex that live with me.. I barely text her.. I mean barely.. She has no clue what HS my son is going to and doesn't ask or care.. 

Don't look at her.. Literally avert your eyes from them.. 

Look your allowed to do anything that isn't criminal or honestly crazy to make you forget.. 

IF you need to wear horse blinders around her then great.. Whatever helps YOU.. Fvck everyone else.. 

YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON THAT MATTERS.

I'm telling you spooning with another person in bed does wonders.. 

You will eventually see, you were worrying about nothing.. 

You just need to take that journey down that road to get to that point.. I know that road is a fvcking pain in the a$$.. But you learn so much about yourself in the end..


----------



## parker

I see what you're saying. It's so frustrating though. I want to be over everything, like, yesterday. Just thinking about it really burns me up. 

I read a lot of posts on this site, and I still don't get it. Why do wives and mothers opt to leave their families behind??? 

On second thought, don't answer that. I know every situation is different.

Divorce is very painful. I'm watching the clock and waiting on Time to show up and make things better.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Six months is nothing. Especially if you never wanted the divorce and it came suddenly. It's like someone dying. You have to go through several different stages. You are still in the angry, hurt, grieving stage, with a bit of hope that you'll get him back as well. Dangerous place to be. 

You need to break it off with him. No contact unless it's ABSOLUTELY necessary. That means no calls. No texts. NOTHING. 

I personally would NOT date. You can't get involved with someone else when you are still hung up over your ex husband. This is the time to focus on YOU. Time to do all that stuff you always wanted to do but didn't. Take up hobbies, get new friends, travel and just sit at home, relax, drink a glass of wine and watch all those TV shows and movies that your ex husband hated. Time to pamper and indulge YOURSELF. 

When you've stopped thinking about the divorce and wishing he'd come back then you can think about dating. 

You might start feeling it in a year. Until then, have FUN. Learn about yourself and grow as an INDIVIDUAL. 

Trust me, being single is awesome.

Think of your divorce of being like trading in a worn out pair of shoes for new shoes. You want that old pair that was comfortable and familiar. But they were falling apart and leaky and stinky. The new ones are stiff and make your feet sore..so you have to walk in the new shoes for awhile and break them in. After awhile you are thinking "What did I ever see in those old shoes?" and you throw them in the trash and walk away. 

Then you are good to go! :smthumbup: But you got to do some walking first.


----------



## Damselfish

I love the shoe analogy. Thanks for that, Freak.

Parker, I am in the same place as you in this process. Trying to purge and move on. We just settled in mediation, and I was hoping that would spur some relief and acceptance, but it hasn't 

I guess we just have to fake it 'til we make it.

Blessings,
Damselfish


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Damselfish said:


> I love the shoe analogy. Thanks for that, Freak.
> 
> Parker, I am in the same place as you in this process. Trying to purge and move on. We just settled in mediation, and I was hoping that would spur some relief and acceptance, but it hasn't
> 
> I guess we just have to fake it 'til we make it.
> 
> Blessings,
> Damselfish



I'm all about analogies. It's what I do. 

Believe it or not the worst time can be right after the divorce. I think this comes as a shock to many because they think they should be having a party the day after it's settled but for most this isn't the case, especially if they didn't want or expect the divorce. 

It's normal to be in a state of shock or denial once the anger that spurred you on during the process suddenly is gone. Now what you feel is depression, emptiness and despair as you realize that your marriage is indeed over. That you are once again on your own, single and alone.

We all go into our marriages believing that this will be the person we will love and spend the rest of our lives with. We have kids with our spouse, dreams of building a life, growing old with them.

Then it blows up and just ends. And you are standing in the pile of ashes that was your marriage and wondering where to go next. It's daunting and yes, depressing and unsettling. What you are feeling is NORMAL. I felt it too and I drove to the divorce hearing WITH my STBX (we were rather friendly at that time, oddly enough) and was quite content the day of my divorce. But later on I felt a bit unsettled and sad. It lasted for a day or two but I would think that for most it would last days, weeks and yes, even years. 

I was lucky because I had wanted to end my marriage for years and then had years of separation and living on my own and it was my decision to file and end it. It was also a long, drawn out process and I had time to adjust mentally and financially to the changes. The divorce was just a formality. 

But for many, this isn't the case. It happens suddenly, all at once and many don't want it and even for those who do, it's a major step, a huge adjustment to make. I have friends who cursed their STBX's routinely all through the months and years of their divorce proceedings and they assumed that when D-Day came they'd be all set to party hardy and be living large.

Instead they were shocked to see how depressed and upset they were. It took time and effort, but they got over it and are doing well but it's not like it happened overnight. You have to give yourself a break on this and understand divorce is indeed like a death and requires the same steps. 

Just like every other disruption or major change in our lives, time heals all wounds. You forge ahead, keep busy and yes, if you need support and help, by all means get it. There's no shame in being normal and it's completely normal to be depressed and upset after your divorce. It's now your time to mourn and pamper yourself so go ahead and do it. 

But remember that in many ways, especially after a bad marriage...Life starts now...Remember to be open to that because if you are continuously looking backwards while walking forward, you will stumble and fall flat on your face.


----------

