# Married for 2 years, Need advice.



## Adament (Jun 9, 2012)

Im new to the site, however i have read alot of posts to try and figure out my situation and how to deal with it, without having to post. However i have not quite found a thread to help me with my own problem thus the post. And thus the story begins .

I am 22 years old my wife is 20, we got married 2 years ago after dating for a year. I am in the military and though i have never deployed we did spend alot of time away from each other while we were dating. We started out like every new couple starts out. Madly in love with each other, hearts on our sleeves and forever in our minds. Both of us were so certain that we were each other's soulmates. That our love could get through everything. However after we got married and she moved in with me (1100 miles away from everything shes ever known) we had some amazing times, again just being open with each other, finding the little things that we didnt like about each other from living together we noted them and told each other them. Then i started to pull away, close myself off from her. I was unhappy about alot of things that she did or didnt do. She noticed that i was unhappy about these things and did everything that she could to fix it for me. Over the time we had our ups and our downs, much more ups than downs . Both of us trying to fix whatever imperfections the other saw in us, but she did this more than i did. I feel as if maybe because i had some life experience before we got together that maybe she felt that i was right and whatever she felt was wrong. Im not sure. However getting into the thick of things. Into year two i continued to close myself off and question weather our marriage was what i wanted. I stopped putting her first and put myself first which has never been the person that i am. I started doing things to keep myself happy and not caring about her feelings and she simply backed off and let me do what she thought was making me truely happy. She stopped trying to fix the issues that she had in our marriage to sacrifice for me. Over the last 8 months her grandpa (who was also her father figure) has been dealing with a particularly bad case of leukemia. At this point we are still miles away from her family (which is a very tight family) and she really starts to get unhappy. This is what i have found that definatly made her unhappy.

1. We had been trying to have a baby for a year and instead had 2 possibly 3 miscarriages. It was devastating to both of us and i did everything that i could to console her through all of these.
2. For the majority of our marriage i had been slowly growing more emotionally distant from her, and stopped taking care of her needs and doing everything i could to make her happy.
3. Her grandfather slowly dieing.
4. She knew that i was trying to figure out if we were a mistake.
5. She was miles away from her family her friends and she was living with someone who can be a complete jerk sometimes, and really sweet others.
6. I was trying to teach her how to cope with pain and unhappiness, and ended up physically hurting her. Though not on purpose i would never purposely hurt my wife physically or mentally. However i did end up making her feel like i was trying to hurt her when i was trying to help. This happened maybe 3 times and it wasnt from fighting it wasnt from me being angry or trying to control her. I didnt do anything like punch her or beat her but i held her down and i can honestly see why she would be scared and hurt from it. 
7. I had threatened divorce while i was pulling away from her.
8. I had stopped caring about her, and her needs to try and figure out why i was unhappy
9. She felt like she was the only one putting any effort into us.
10. She was working full time and going to school full time and had no time to spend on herself taking care of her needs. (she also hated her job)
11. She started seeing a counselor because she wouldnt tell me what was making her unhappy, or she didnt know. She got diagnosed with depression and started having to take medication for it.

All of this led up to last month her grandpa was in the worst part of his leukemia and so we got her a ticket home, she quit her full time job (at request from me because i had started to come around and notice how unhappy she was and try to fix things)and she went home to see him and help take care of her family while they go through this rough time. While she was there she began to realize that she was happier there without me. She started seeing her friends and everything that her friends have gotten to experience living on their own and she just over all felt happier there. One night after about a month of her being back home she called and told me that she wants to stay there, go to school, live on her own and figure out who she is. Naturally knowing that she was unhappy with me i called and i asked questions like why do you need to do that there, why cant you do that here? so on and so forth. I got out of her that she felt like she would be happier alone instead of in our marriage she needs space and she needs to figure out if being alone is what is going to make her happy. She was now doing what i was doing over the period of our marriage. She finally opened up to me and told me all the things that i had done in our marriage that made her unhappy. She opened my eyes to the man that i had turned into. Over that day, that night, and the next day i finally did my own soul searching. I found out that i was unhappy with myself because of the man that i was now. I was emotionless, i was selfish, and i wasn't being true to my beliefs or myself. I decided that there is no way that i could possibly be happier alone, and that this was my wife, my soulmate. I found the man that i have always been again in our old letters. I found the caring, selfless man that i had always been before our marriage, before i joined the service. I decided that that is the man that i want to be and that that was the man that i am. The one who knows he is married to the love of his life, that has full faith and trust in his feelings, who wears his emotions on his sleeve and cares for everyone else more than he cares for himself. 

I decided to go to her, even though she asked for space, i decided that it was my time to finally put the effort in and fix my marriage or i was going to lose my soulmate. After arriving there she was very distant, after trying to talk through things with her i found that she was pissed that i didnt give her the space that she had asked for. That i was doing this all for myself and not for her. I told her no i do this for us because i dont want our marriage to end, and i know that you feel the same way because you have been fighting for this for the last year, doing everything that you could to try and fix things except telling me what was wrong (until now) so that i could help fix us. On top of her being pissed at me i found that she was talking to an ex of hers, who is currently dating someone else. They are just friends, however she says that she still has feelings for him and she always will. She told me that she loves me but she doesnt think that she is in-love with me anymore. Then she told me she wanted a divorce, and i fought again to save our marriage. I told her that i dont think that that is what she truly wants, then she convinced me to give her, her space and let her figure everything out so that she doesnt make a rash decision. I spent two days away from her durring my trip there, after that two days things seemed like we were getting back on the right track. We made love multiple times while i was there (over a period of two weeks) and every time we did I felt like it was passionate and that we connected again. We both climaxed (her multiple times) every time we made love and we have always had a good sexual relationship. I feel like that is the best way for me to connect but i understand that she needs more than just a sexual relationship. I tried to convince her that i am changed and that I am proud of the man i see in the mirror now. However she isnt convinced that I will last like this. 

I am completely sure that if we can work through this (from what ive researched its the disillusionment phase) and figure out that we are soulmates, and that we want to stay true to our vows, and we do love each other, that we can make it through any and all of lifes obstacles and have a marriage that we both are happy in. I found out that what makes me truely and completely happy... is making my wife, my significant other, my soulmate, happy. Making her day wonderful and amazing no matter what it takes out of me. I understand that this is probably not healthy, but it is truely what i know makes me truely and completely happy. I love my wife more than anything, and i want to help her work all of this out but she doesnt want my help. I want to help her figure out, what she needs to figure out in order to decide if she will be happier with me or without. If she decides that what will make her happier is me leaving then that is what i will do. I want to stay true to my vows and i dont want to leave her it will devastate me to do that but if that is what is going to make her happy in the long run it is what i have to do for the love of my life. Its been 2 weeks since i left her back at home to give her, her space and let her figure things out. Every time we talk it seems to me that she isnt actively trying to figure things out, and she is unable to make a decision. This makes me feel like she made her decision but she loves me to much to want to hurt me which leads me to believe that for the sake of her happiness i should just leave and not come back. I told her that today and she told me that.. she doesnt know if that is what she wants, so I'm stuck wanting to fix my marriage and wanting to do everything that i can to make her happy. Waiting for her to figure things that out that she wont open up to me about. Do i continue to just wait for her to figure things out or do i ask her to confide in me, that my only intention is to make her happy regardless of what it takes from me, i know that if she opens up to me that i can help her find her happiness because i feel like ive been where she is right now. 

I dont know what to do here, and im hoping someone who has been through something like this before can give me some good advice. I love her and i cant imagine a life without her, but ill do anything to make her happy again. She deserves to be happy, she deserves to love life again, and i dont know that she will be able to in being with me. 

Thank you for reading, and for any responses. If you have any questions i will be answering them as quickly as possible.


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## Adament (Jun 9, 2012)

No takers so far?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

You have a couple things going on here. 

I'm thinking that you're far more controlling than you realize. That's great when you're on a mission, but it's not so great when you're treating your life as if you're her CO. You say you've changed back, but the truth is that you are who you are, and she's learned that you're the type of person who jumps in with both feet and takes charge of anything that might get in the way of your mission - which in this case happens to be your marriage - but that you will otherwise let things slide. 

I think you're minimizing whatever happened physically. You hurt her more than you've said here, and when you didn't get your way you manipulated and controlled her by abandoning her. Instinctively, we all know that people might say they've changed and believe it, but when they're talking about deep-rooted personality traits those promises are most often just wishful thinking. When you add that she takes a huge risk if she believes you (because it takes her so far from her family and friends), I can understand why she's reluctant to believe.

Then the matter becomes even more complicated because she's having an emotional (and/or physical) affair with her ex. While that's going on, she isn't going to come around to be the devoted, compliant wife you're looking for. In fact, she's already decided she doesn't want to be compliant anymore. Whatever changes you've made might be irrelevant to her because she has made some changes, too. 

If you want her back, I'd recommend getting into counseling immediately, for yourself, with a therapist who is very familiar with anger management AND alcohol issues. (I know you didn't mention alcohol, but I'd bet that it's playing a major role here.)

You could also ask her if she'd be willing to try again if you'll set up a bank account with only her name on it, and fund it with enough money that if she discovered that you hadn't changed, she could fly back home on a moment's notice. This would give her a measure of safety.


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## MadeInMichigan (May 8, 2012)

First off, stop with the "soulmate" crap.....they don't exist, and she doesn't want to hear it. 
Second, I agree with the poster above, however I might add that this sounds a lot like a simple cased of wanting her now that she's gone.


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## Adament (Jun 9, 2012)

I have gotten into counseling and am actively working to keep the changes that i have already made. I dont think that i am making the physical part sound any less than what i did, and it wasnt out of anger that i did it. However i will agree that i was being controlling in our relationship. I only drink on special occations and never drink to get drunk therefore no alcohol problems. Thank you for your post Kathy. I will ask her how she would feel if we open her up her own account and keep enough money in there for her to leave if she feels the need to. I was manipulating and controlling her but i personally didnt see it that way until i started working with my counselor. Realizing now what i've done, who i've been, and who i want to be is what changed me. I do believe that i have changed. 

I would say that it is a case of wanting her now that she's gone, however i started trying to figure out what was making her unhappy and being there for her before she left. I will say that her wanting to leave on top of her explaining why she was unhappy did open my eyes to what i was doing. Which is why i cant blame her for wanting to be away, and wanting to be happy.

I talked with her last night and she says that she wants to open back up to me again, she has issues with opening up while talking so she wants to write everything that shes feeling out and email it to me. Regarding the EA, she has told me that they are just friends and i believe it. I understand that she loves him and she says that she always has and always will but she also says that she can be friends with him while being 100% committed to making things work with me. I know that it isnt a PA. She has also told me that she is leaning more towards working things out with me, but she has more that she wants to figure out before she makes her decision. She doesnt want to make a rash decision and i understand that. All that i can do at this point is continue to work on myself, find out everything that i did wrong, realize that it was wrong, and not let it happen again. I am a good man.

@KathyBatesel: Anything else you can give me on this? I sincerely appreciate your comments and suggestions.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Adament said:


> Regarding the EA, she has told me that they are just friends and i believe it. I understand that she loves him and she says that she always has and always will but she also says that she can be friends with him while being 100% committed to making things work with me.
> 
> @KathyBatesel: Anything else you can give me on this? I sincerely appreciate your comments and suggestions.


I do believe you're a good man, by the way. And I'm especially impressed that you're in counseling. That goes a long way toward showing that you mean it when you say you're dedicated to being the BEST man you can be for your wife. (My words, not yours, but I am thinking you meant that in your post.)

I understand that she may be friends with an ex and have loving feelings for him, but I'm still concerned about this. You are, too, because you mentioned it as a complicating factor. If her interactions with him are not helping to improve your marriage or if they "remind" her of what might have been or could be if... then it's an emotional affair in my book. 

I believe you're on the right track. Her stepping back and taking time to regain her perspective will be helpful to both of you. It will give her a chance to evaluate the things you're changing without feeling pressured to fake a reaction in order to keep you happy. When that pressure is there, it's easy to want to get away from it, and when it's absent, it's easier to focus on the positives that existed in the relationship. 

When you get her letter, I encourage you to ignore blame and not get defensive. Avoid pointing out what is "wrong" in it and instead, acknowledge that her views are as valid to her as your own are to you, and focus on finding win-win solutions that meet both your needs.

How are you going to learn how to give up control? How much control MUST you have and how much can you live without? How much control does she feel she needs? And can both of your answers be compatible?


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Keep up with IC. 

Is MC an option? Depending on distance, maybe by phone..


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## Adament (Jun 9, 2012)

Also a further question. Since she says that she is leaning toward working things out with me and making our marriage last, but she needs to figure a few more things out before she will be able to do that; do I try to help? Or is me trying to help her figure these things out me taking control again? If i should try and help then how do i go about it with letting her lead it and me following along? Its like i've said above her happiness is my top priority, i want her to be happy however she needs to do that, which is why i feel like she should be actively working out all of these thoughts and feelings that she is having with me. I honestly believe that if she works with me in trying to figure these things out that we are going to find out what really makes her happy, and if that happens to be leaving me then we both know for sure and I will be able to leave. 

Does that make any sense? Or is this me trying to be controlling again? In which case what do i do in order to let her control not only this situation but also more of what is going on in our lives. I understand that neither of us have had a choice on where we live because im in the military. I get out in about 6 months and i can get a job doing IT work pretty much anywhere, i already have job offers stacking up and all of that. I have told her that i want her to choose where we move when I get out of the military and it can be anywhere she wants. She has given me where she wants to move and I am actively seeking employment there. I am letting go of the reigns and letting her do a lot of the decision making, i have for the better part of a year now.


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## Adament (Jun 9, 2012)

@KathyBatesel



> I do believe you're a good man, by the way. And I'm especially impressed that you're in counseling. That goes a long way toward showing that you mean it when you say you're dedicated to being the BEST man you can be for your wife. (My words, not yours, but I am thinking you meant that in your post.)


Thank you for this, and yes that is exactly what i was meaning in my post. 



> I understand that she may be friends with an ex and have loving feelings for him, but I'm still concerned about this. You are, too, because you mentioned it as a complicating factor. If her interactions with him are not helping to improve your marriage or if they "remind" her of what might have been or could be if... then it's an emotional affair in my book.


Yes this is a concern to me too, but what can i do about it. She is adamant that she wants to keep a friendship here, because she doesn't want to abandon him and she doesn't want to hurt him. I know my wife she is the sweetest most caring woman i have ever met, so i understand that she doesn't want to hurt and abandon him and i while i don't agree that they can just be friends and just put their feelings aside like that, she told me that she could and i can only trust her word on it. Is this wrong of me?



> When you get her letter, I encourage you to ignore blame and not get defensive. Avoid pointing out what is "wrong" in it and instead, acknowledge that her views are as valid to her as your own are to you, and focus on finding win-win solutions that meet both your needs.
> 
> How are you going to learn how to give up control? How much control MUST you have and how much can you live without? How much control does she feel she needs? And can both of your answers be compatible?


I know you say to ignore the blame and not get defensive... but to be honest i blame myself for 99.9% of what has gone wrong in our marriage. This is why I am taking the steps that I feel that i need to take in order to be the best man that i can be for her. 

Regarding your questions i just posted (see above post from me) about giving up control and how to go about it. To be honest the only control that i need, is to know that we are both in this for better or for worse until death. Past that she control whatever she wants and tell me what she wants to control. As soon as she tells me what she wants me to control (as you said earlier) I will jump in head first and do it to the best of my ability, without letting things fall to the wayside. 

@posse

I don't know if I personally want to do marriage counseling with her being away. I would prefer to go in person if at all. I have not heard good things about marriage counseling and was trying to look more into marriage programs / marriage enrichment courses as opposed to counseling. Would you suggest doing both?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Adament said:


> Also a further question. Since she says that she is leaning toward working things out with me and making our marriage last, but she needs to figure a few more things out before she will be able to do that; do I try to help? Or is me trying to help her figure these things out me taking control again? If i should try and help then how do i go about it with letting her lead it and me following along?


Try, "I understand. Let me know if there's anything I can do."


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## Adament (Jun 9, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Try, "I understand. Let me know if there's anything I can do."


Very well.  thank you.


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## Adament (Jun 9, 2012)

@KathyBatesel




> I do believe you're a good man, by the way. And I'm especially impressed that you're in counseling. That goes a long way toward showing that you mean it when you say you're dedicated to being the BEST man you can be for your wife. (My words, not yours, but I am thinking you meant that in your post.)


Thank you for this, and yes that is exactly what i was meaning in my post.



> I understand that she may be friends with an ex and have loving feelings for him, but I'm still concerned about this. You are, too, because you mentioned it as a complicating factor. If her interactions with him are not helping to improve your marriage or if they "remind" her of what might have been or could be if... then it's an emotional affair in my book.


Yes this is a concern to me too, but what can i do about it. She is adamant that she wants to keep a friendship here, because she doesn't want to abandon him and she doesn't want to hurt him. I know my wife she is the sweetest most caring woman i have ever met, so i understand that she doesn't want to hurt and abandon him and i while i don't agree that they can just be friends and just put their feelings aside like that, she told me that she could and i can only trust her word on it. Is this wrong of me?




> When you get her letter, I encourage you to ignore blame and not get defensive. Avoid pointing out what is "wrong" in it and instead, acknowledge that her views are as valid to her as your own are to you, and focus on finding win-win solutions that meet both your needs.


I know you say to ignore the blame and not get defensive... but to be honest i blame myself for 99.9% of what has gone wrong in our marriage. This is why I am taking the steps that I feel that i need to take in order to be the best man that i can be for her.



@posse

I don't know if I personally want to do marriage counseling with her being away. I would prefer to go in person if at all. I have not heard good things about marriage counseling and was trying to look more into marriage programs / marriage enrichment courses as opposed to counseling. Would you suggest doing both? Also she doesn't know if she wants to do MC right now.


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## Adament (Jun 9, 2012)

Anyone to take a crack at the questions above?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Adament said:


> @KathyBatesel
> 
> Yes this is a concern to me too, but what can i do about it. She is adamant that she wants to keep a friendship here, because she doesn't want to abandon him and she doesn't want to hurt him. I know my wife she is the sweetest most caring woman i have ever met, so i understand that she doesn't want to hurt and abandon him and i while i don't agree that they can just be friends and just put their feelings aside like that, she told me that she could and i can only trust her word on it. Is this wrong of me?


Nope. I'd say go with your gut. If you try to do otherwise right now, it gets into more control issues. If you believe she's capable of holding herself appropriately, your trust will mean a lot to her. I have stayed friends with a number of my ex-boyfriends and both of my ex-husbands. I don't confess to loving them, although I suppose I'll always care to some degree, and it doesn't mean I'd be disloyal to my spouse. I would *not* talk about my relationship with them, though.



Adament said:


> I know you say to ignore the blame and not get defensive... but to be honest i blame myself for 99.9% of what has gone wrong in our marriage. This is why I am taking the steps that I feel that i need to take in order to be the best man that i can be for her.


Defensiveness is when people defend against accepting blame. If you're fully acknowledging your role in problems that developed even when the "truth" hurts or isn't perfectly accurate, then there won't be defensiveness. 




Adament said:


> @posse
> 
> I don't know if I personally want to do marriage counseling with her being away. I would prefer to go in person if at all. I have not heard good things about marriage counseling and was trying to look more into marriage programs / marriage enrichment courses as opposed to counseling. Would you suggest doing both? Also she doesn't know if she wants to do MC right now.



I believe marriage counseling rarely works because only one person really wants to see things work. The other attends to prove the other wrong. People go to air their power struggles and defend themselves in most cases. This isn't what's happening with your marriage, though, and because you're claiming responsibility for it, I think you'll find good results.


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## Adament (Jun 9, 2012)

Thank you again Kathy. Ill keep this thread updated with any progress or further questions that i have. Thank you very much for your support.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

You're welcome. Best of luck to you.


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## ConfusedHubby (Jun 10, 2012)

Adament said:


> @KathyBatesel
> 
> 
> 
> ...


When my wife had an affair during our seperation It was with one of her ex boyfriends. Actually her first boyfriend she ever had. They re-connected through facebook a about a month or two before me and my wife agreed to seperate. I was concerned with her being friends with him but she told me that she was no longer physically attracted to him at all but she just felt bad for him and didn't want to abandon their friendship. Thing is they weren't friends for years before they re-connected so I didn't understand that. Anyways, to summarize everything she made it sound like the physical attraction wasn't there and she was just being a friend but when our relationship took a brief hiatus and we had a break, she went right out and screwed him. In my experience from this I can honestly say if a woman says shes not physically attracted to her ex, but just re-connected with him especially while you are having marital issues, she is lying. The last thing any spouse should do when they know their marriage is having problems is seek friendship with an ex flame. In fact, he's probably the one she talks to the most about the issues she has with you. Its one thing if they were close friends the whole time but when they just re-connect trust me, if they were attracted to eachother in the past, if you and her have any kind of seperation or "break" he will probably be the first person she will sleep with because #1 she is familiar with him #2 she won't feel as bad about it because she has had a connection with him in the past and has slept with him in the past no matter how long it has been. 

Maybe I'm just being bitter here but am I making any sense?


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## ConfusedHubby (Jun 10, 2012)

If you want to give me a females perspective on my above post Kathy please do but I think I'm on point as far as this is concerned.


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## Adament (Jun 9, 2012)

Had a talk with her tonight. A good one. She is finally starting to re-open up to me about everything that she is feeling. We talked openly about our feelings for about an hour until she started to fall asleep. She told me that she really does want us to work out but she is afraid that if she decides to work things out with me that something may go wrong and she will be unhappy again. While also being scared that this may be her only opportunity to leave and be with the ex. She told me that she feels like she wants to have kids because she wants to feel like she is loved unconditionally. I told her that I do love her unconditionally and that I am proving that by still loving her through the EA and will continue to prove that by being the best man that I can be for her, and doing little things to show my love for her even in the most troubling times. She also talked about how she wants to feel like we are our age. She feels like I am to mature for my age and that because of that our relationship has felt like we are an old couple, boring and slow. I told her that I felt like we were being like that because we had grown apart due to the above issues, and that I do want to be able to go out and have fun and live life to the fullest with her. I asked her to think about where she sees herself in 5 years. I asked her not to think about the what ifs. Concentrate on the here and now and not to dwell on the past but instead look to the future. I asked her to think about how she would feel if we stayed open with one another and did work our marriage in a way that we both could be happy. How would she feel spending the rest of our lives together like that, happy and open, and with unconditional love for one another. I asked her how would she feel if i did keep her as my top priority, go out of my way to make her happy before making myself happy, for the rest of our lives. Would that life be worth putting everything into? Would that life fulfill your every dream? Think about what your dreams are. What I know of her dreams is that she wants to be able to be a stay at home mom / freelance writer and photographer. She confirmed this on the phone. I told her that works for me because all I have ever dreamed to be is a good husband, a great father, and a provider for my family. Lastly i asked her what the best way to accomplish her dreams would be. Then when we were going to bed she asked me to join her in dreamland (something we have been doing since we were dating) and to meet her in our dream home, and that she loves me. I told her that I love her too and that I would meet her there. 

We still have a lot more to go through and she is opening up to me again. Which feels amazing. We are suppose to talk again tomorrow evening. Any feed back before then would be much appreciated.


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## ConfusedHubby (Jun 10, 2012)

Adament said:


> Had a talk with her tonight. A good one. She is finally starting to re-open up to me about everything that she is feeling. We talked openly about our feelings for about an hour until she started to fall asleep. She told me that she really does want us to work out but she is afraid that if she decides to work things out with me that something may go wrong and she will be unhappy again. While also being scared that this may be her only opportunity to leave and be with the ex. She told me that she feels like she wants to have kids because she wants to feel like she is loved unconditionally. I told her that I do love her unconditionally and that I am proving that by still loving her through the EA and will continue to prove that by being the best man that I can be for her, and doing little things to show my love for her even in the most troubling times. She also talked about how she wants to feel like we are our age. She feels like I am to mature for my age and that because of that our relationship has felt like we are an old couple, boring and slow. I told her that I felt like we were being like that because we had grown apart due to the above issues, and that I do want to be able to go out and have fun and live life to the fullest with her. I asked her to think about where she sees herself in 5 years. I asked her not to think about the what ifs. Concentrate on the here and now and not to dwell on the past but instead look to the future. I asked her to think about how she would feel if we stayed open with one another and did work our marriage in a way that we both could be happy. How would she feel spending the rest of our lives together like that, happy and open, and with unconditional love for one another. I asked her how would she feel if i did keep her as my top priority, go out of my way to make her happy before making myself happy, for the rest of our lives. Would that life be worth putting everything into? Would that life fulfill your every dream? Think about what your dreams are. What I know of her dreams is that she wants to be able to be a stay at home mom / freelance writer and photographer. She confirmed this on the phone. I told her that works for me because all I have ever dreamed to be is a good husband, a great father, and a provider for my family. Lastly i asked her what the best way to accomplish her dreams would be. Then when we were going to bed she asked me to join her in dreamland (something we have been doing since we were dating) and to meet her in our dream home, and that she loves me. I told her that I love her too and that I would meet her there.
> 
> We still have a lot more to go through and she is opening up to me again. Which feels amazing. We are suppose to talk again tomorrow evening. Any feed back before then would be much appreciated.


Thats good to hear. You two have good dialogue going and are talking about things. Me and my wife are at a stand still right now, sounds like she wants it to work, if she didn't she wouldn't be talking so deeply with you about life in general, she would just talk to you about mundane, every day things that don't have any relevance. Sounds like you are on the right track man, just take it day by day. And remember you don't have to put her before you for the rest of your lives, you still have to do things that make you happy and the things that make you happy aren't always going to make her happy. Thats what compromise is all about. You both put the other before yourself at times but you can't do that all the time. Then it becomes just living off of that person which is co-dependant, which is the kind of relationship I was in with my wife, I think its pretty much what destroyed my marriage or atleast got the ball rolling. I always put my wife first and once I saw she didn't do the same for me it caused resentment and made me miserable.


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## Adament (Jun 9, 2012)

I think i have identified what the biggest issue in my marriage was. While we were dating we had long periods of times that we were separated (me living in new orleans her in kansas) and it hurt me to be away from her. My natural defense mechanism is to build up a wall to protect myself from being hurt. That wall caused me to push her away, by being controlling and not connected. Even after we married I kept my wall up because i had been hurt before in my previous relationships and i didn't want to get hurt again (this obviously was not healthy, should have dropped my baggage and realized that this is my wife and she is here to stay but i didnt). Me having my wall up and pushing her away caused her to build her own wall to shield her from being hurt that I was being distant and wouldnt let her close to me like I had in our courting phase. Once both of our walls were up we continued to grow further apart and she looked for something that she could be close to. This led her to start talking with her ex again and ofcourse she is going to be able to connect with him, they had been in love before, and she just wanted to be let into someones heart again, someone to comfort her, and pull her in. Instead of pushing her away. After she told my that she loved someone else and wanted to leave me, I would of thought i would have just thickened my wall and pushed her completely out... but i didnt. Instead it blew apart my wall, made me realize the things i had been doing to push her away, and made me realize that what i truly want is for her to be in my heart, and me in hers. To be her wall and protect her from every other hurt there is in the world, instead of throwing hurt at her. However her wall is still up I think it is slowly coming down the more she opens up to me. I know that we can work everything out and be close to one another and not feel the need for our walls, not feel the need to be protected from each other, and only let each other in rather than push each other away. Both of us just have to want it and put everything we have into it. Im not naive I know we will have our little fights here and there because we are irritated with something the other is doing, but I feel like those little fights wont be hurtful, and wont be lasting in our memories. I feel like we needed to go through all of this to realize what we mean to one another, to realize that we made the right choice in our partner, and to make known to both of us that what we really truly want is US forever, and to know that our partner loves us unconditionally. I think that if anything is going to prove all of that to us it is getting through what we are going through right now.


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## ConfusedHubby (Jun 10, 2012)

Adament said:


> I think i have identified what the biggest issue in my marriage was. While we were dating we had long periods of times that we were separated (me living in new orleans her in kansas) and it hurt me to be away from her. My natural defense mechanism is to build up a wall to protect myself from being hurt. That wall caused me to push her away, by being controlling and not connected. Even after we married I kept my wall up because i had been hurt before in my previous relationships and i didn't want to get hurt again (this obviously was not healthy, should have dropped my baggage and realized that this is my wife and she is here to stay but i didnt). Me having my wall up and pushing her away caused her to build her own wall to shield her from being hurt that I was being distant and wouldnt let her close to me like I had in our courting phase. Once both of our walls were up we continued to grow further apart and she looked for something that she could be close to. This led her to start talking with her ex again and ofcourse she is going to be able to connect with him, they had been in love before, and she just wanted to be let into someones heart again, someone to comfort her, and pull her in. Instead of pushing her away. After she told my that she loved someone else and wanted to leave me, I would of thought i would have just thickened my wall and pushed her completely out... but i didnt. Instead it blew apart my wall, made me realize the things i had been doing to push her away, and made me realize that what i truly want is for her to be in my heart, and me in hers. To be her wall and protect her from every other hurt there is in the world, instead of throwing hurt at her. However her wall is still up I think it is slowly coming down the more she opens up to me. I know that we can work everything out and be close to one another and not feel the need for our walls, not feel the need to be protected from each other, and only let each other in rather than push each other away. Both of us just have to want it and put everything we have into it. Im not naive I know we will have our little fights here and there because we are irritated with something the other is doing, but I feel like those little fights wont be hurtful, and wont be lasting in our memories. I feel like we needed to go through all of this to realize what we mean to one another, to realize that we made the right choice in our partner, and to make known to both of us that what we really truly want is US forever, and to know that our partner loves us unconditionally. I think that if anything is going to prove all of that to us it is getting through what we are going through right now.


Thats cool man. Well if she does decide whole heartedly to try to make everything work, you need to talk to her about cutting off the ex again because trust me, while you may be in denial and tell yourself that it doesn't effect you it does and if she continues her friendship with him its going to naturally cause resentment. You might not even realize the resenment is building up because it comes in small doses until it gets bigger and you eventually explode. So yeah, the ex needs to go eventually once you do work things out because a relationship is between two people and you can't have an emotional distraction like that. Its not fair to you. I went to a counselor for quite some time after my wife had an affair with her ex and she was trying to do the friendship thing with him and my counselor told me any counselor will tell you that if she wants your relationship to work she needs to totally cut off any relations with the ex-factor, period. 

Not trying to plant seeds in your head, I'm no marriage expert, like I said my marriage is on the rocks but I'm just speaking from personal experience when it comes to ex-factors and how they can hinder a marriage. You can say you trust her all you want but there is still a part of you, even if its tiny that doesn't trust her, or most of all doesn't trust HIM. My wife cut that guy off but he wouldn't stop contacting her so I actually had to call the guy up and threaten restraining orders and all kinds of stuff to get our point across. He eventually stopped calling.


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## Adament (Jun 9, 2012)

We talked again tonight and she said that she has made her decision. She has decided that she wants to do everything that we can to fix us :-D. She told me that she wants to take it day by day, and she wants to stay there so that she can help her family out for at least the rest of the summer. If things haven't changed from how we are right now by the end of the summer, then she will come home and we will be able to get our marriage completely back on track. In the mean time we are keeping ourselves completely open to one another and working, striving to fix what we can while she is away. Thank you all for your support, I will continue to keep this thread updated, and who knows maybe one day we will be able to move it into the marriage success story boards :-D.


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## Adament (Jun 9, 2012)

We are working things out, I kind of feel like I dont deserve her after causing all of this to happen to our marriage. She insists that she thinks that I am worth it. She feels like she should have never thought that she could love anyone more than me, and that she wants us to work out. We both want our marriage to work out and we are both willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. We are both being completely open and it's very nice to be able to open up and say all of the things that I am feeling to her, and her to me. Thank you all for your advice. I have a question however. I am now struggling with personally not feeling like I deserve my wife. She assures me that I am the person she wants to be with, that I am the man she sees a future with, and that she thinks that I am all she will ever want / need. However I personally feel like idk not attractive, and worthless. Is this natural in this situation? How do I get my self worth back? Any comments or suggestions will be appreciated.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I'm glad to hear she's opening up to you and wants to make things better. You can expect it to be rocky and to challenge your self-worth sometimes. You can cope with that by doing positive affirmations regularly. I talk about dealing with negative thoughts in an article at Positive Power - How to Change Negative Thinking 

There were a couple of things I hope you guys will address during your marital counseling, though: 

- having a child in order to "receive unconditional love" is unrealistic. Children are not nearly as unconditional as she might think. Also, this thinking shows something about her own expectations and self-esteem, which will need to improve if she's to find happiness with you or anyone else. I hope she'll talk to the MC about these thoughts that she shared with you before the two of you have children (which is guaranteed to create additional strain on any marriage, so make sure you're at a great place for a decent amount of time before trying to get pregnant.)

- I'm not entirely sure she's not staying there to wait and see what develops with her "other" friendship. Be cautious, because if she changes her mind again, she may blame it on you when it really has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her self-esteem.

- If you are feeling like you don't deserve your wife, perhaps you can remind yourself that you can't change the past, and she has let you know that your past behavior didn't deserve her, but you're smart enough to pay that price and become the guy who does deserve her. In other words, you DIDN'T deserve her, but from now on, you'll be the guy who does.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I don't know...I'm glad to hear that she's opening up to you but the fact that she is afraid that she'll never have a chance with her ex again is a very very very bad sign.


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## Adament (Jun 9, 2012)

Shes no longer afraid of not having a chance with her ex again, she feels like she knows what would have happened had she even tried with him. She feels like she would have been the one putting forth all of the effort in their relationship and he never would have really committed because he never has. She told me the other day that now that she sees that hes really been pissing her off and that she doesnt even think that she will continue talking to him when she comes back home on the 2nd. 

Thank you for the advice Kathy i like that way of looking at it. I wasnt the man she needed or that she deserved but I will be doing everything that is in my power to be the man she needs and deserves for the rest of our lives.


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## ConfusedHubby (Jun 10, 2012)

Sounds good Adament. But again, I've been burned on this and maybe its just me but I think he needs to be totally out of the equation. I know with her living in the same area her ex lives its kind of a tricky proposition to give her an ultimatem because she can pull the "you are jealous and insecure card" or say you are trying to be controlling. So its delicate. I just know long term the ex-factor still being around isn't a good thing if she is totally 100% committed to you and making the marriage work.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Having a child in order to be loved is one of the worst reasons to have a child. It shows, beyond a doubt, that your wife is not emotionally mature enough to be a good parent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Adament (Jun 9, 2012)

I think that we have decided that having a child will be waiting until all of our fears have been resolved about our marriage. My wife will make an excellent mother when she decides that she is ready to have a child. I can assure you that . I don't think that unconditional love was ever her sole reason for wanting to have a child, i brought up that reason because i found it the most prudent that she didn't feel like I loved her unconditionally so she was looking for that feeling of unconditional love from whatever source she could. Does that make sense?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Adament said:


> Shes no longer afraid of not having a chance with her ex again, she feels like she knows what would have happened had she even tried with him. She feels like she would have been the one putting forth all of the effort in their relationship and he never would have really committed because he never has. She told me the other day that now that she sees that hes really been pissing her off and that she doesnt even think that she will continue talking to him when she comes back home on the 2nd.


 She was going to stay the summer to help her family, but now that it did not work out with the ex, she will be coming back to you much earlier on the 2nd. Sounds to me like the real reason that she went back home to her family was because she wanted to have "a chance with her ex again" and that you are the backup plan. You did not win over him, he just did not want her. Be honest with yourself, if he called her today and said that he loved her, do you really think that she would be living back with you on the 2nd? You know from what she has said that she would be staying. If you were honest with yourself, this thread would be in the infidelity section. 

Do not have a child with this woman until you are sure that you are number one in her life. As it stands right now, the ex is number one and if he decides that he wants her, she will come running back to him using the "help family" excuse again.


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

How anyone can know if they're ready to have a child, let alone be a good mom at 20 is a bit ignorant. Not a knock on you or your age, but its just reality most of the time. There's so much in life both of you have yet to live or learn
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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