# So much for my time away from TAM



## CH (May 18, 2010)

Well, I had hoped to get away from this site but hung around for a situation that had happened over the summer.

My wife and kids go back to the east coast to visit our in-laws every summer for about 1-2 months (past 4 years). FIL had a triple by-pass so it was decided that our kids should also meet and know the other side of the family since we live 1/2 block from my parents and my kids are there almost 24/7.

This past summer an incident happened that set me off and I was livid. My little girl had called me in the morning (she does that almost every day) and stated they were going to watch a movie, cool. Who with, she says big sister #1, big sister #2, mommy, me and Uncle XXXX.

**Little history on Uncle XXXX**
Uncle XXXX owns a restaurant and for the past 4 years it wasn't a big deal since my kids talked about it. He had just had a bad divorce 3 years ago where he got cleaned out and all he had left was the restaurant. So I didn't mind really if my kids made him feel better. Wife hardly ever mentions him and there were zero red flags before. Until the paragraph above.

I told my little one to hand the phone to my wife and ask her where are you going and who with. She says, me, daughter #1, daughter #2, daughter #3 and him. I ask who is him and she slowly says uncle XXXX. Keep my cool and tell her I'm not comfortable with this at all. Text her a couple of heated messages and she texts back to me saying I'm blowing this out of proportion. Told her I was on the next flight out tomorrow.

Fly in, wife picks me up but I hold my temper until we get back to her sister's place, I say hello to the family then we get ready for bed and the battle begins.

She says what's the big deal, I say why didn't you tell me ahead of time. She says his GF was supposed to go but had to back out (confirmed) so the kids already wanted to go and she went along to look after the kids. I say not good enough, that's the final time that happens and that night is the one time in a long time that I actually had tears in my eyes from the anger and I was upset, more than upset (more on why I had tears down below).

So we more or less agreed that it was the last time for that but she wanted me to meet him and I said fine since the kids talk about him all the time. We went for dinner, my family with her sister and her sister's bf. We get there, and the handshakes and hellos go around and I size him up. Dinner is ok.

We stayed till closing and he came over to give up free drinks and a few extra sides. Idle chit chat and then all he does is go on and on and on about my kids and how much they love him and now that daddy is here he felt betrayed that they're ignoring him in a joking way. If I was 10 years younger when I had little to no patience I would have smacked him on the spot and that would have been that. But being older means being smarter or maybe just too lazy, so I hold it together, put the fake smile on big time.

Then he tells me (not ask) that he's taking the kids to see another movie before they go home. Let me tell you, I really wished I was that younger me who had a short fuse. Didn't say crap and we left shortly after. And my wife knew I was pissed, I mean PISSED.

Also his gf was there (works with him) also and I could see the look on her face and she had that WTF pissed look on her face. And come to find out the reason she couldn't go with them to the movies was because she had family in town and had to go eat with them that day. WTF, and he ditches his gf and her family to take my kids and my wife. Told the wife this also.

In the end I made it clear, no more. It happens, I'll fly my @ss out there, grab the kids and she can deal with the divorce papers. BTW, they didn't go see the movie, my kids tell me everything so I know. And there were no previous red flags because like I said my kids tell me everything and my wife never leaves my kids alone.

My wife just kept trying to say what the big deal was, I don't trust her? I told her, I trust you, I don't trust him. I'm not stupid, best way to get to someone is through the kids and like I said who the F ditches their gf and goes to a movie with another man's wife and kids. Nothing happened at the movies, daughter #2 gave me details of everything that happened at the movie, who sat where, what happened etc...

BTW, the reason I had cried to my wife was because some a-hole man got to watch a movie with my kid and my wife and shared my kid's laugh with someone else. Grrrrrrr, man to be 10 years younger and be able to just unleash your anger through your fists....

If I had found anything I would have packed the kids up and left the wife back there and dealt with the consequences but there was nothing at all. Phone, e-mail, texts, everything clean. BTW my wife has no idea how to delete anything, I clean out her e-mails and texts all the time, so there was nothing to find.

But my wife FINALLY saw my point of view and did apologize to me and she made it up to me the entire week. And no, she didn't do any new positions or moves on me (we've already done most of them but she's gone very vanilla now a days) so there was no red flag for the sex every single day and multiple times a couple of those days.

Trying to get through to her was like talking to a wall at times.

It's not big deal, don't you trust me? Famous last words if you don't head it off quickly. I could have stayed home and stewed in my anger and let them go watch another movie but nope, my @ss was on the next flight out the next day and I took the bull by the horns.

I didn't do NC, the kids can see him and I'm not worried. Like I said, my kids tell me everything and my wife can't sneak out at night because my youngest cries int he middle of the night if she's not sleeping with either mom or dad. And she would tell me if mom left her crying in the middle of the night.

Damn, so that's how it feels when you've got that gutted out, pitt of your stomach, can't eat, can't sleep, want to puke, feeling dizzy, etc.... I didn't eat for almost 36 hours and I almost puked after talking to my wife the 1st time. It was not a good feeling at all.

But this has taught me one thing though, if my wife did ever cheat I know that I will be out the door with the kids without looking back. Everything was planned out, of what was going to happen if there was proof of something or it was just my naive wife not thinking things through.

And I have to say, this site helped me in doing that. Always have a plan in place of what you'll do if A, B, C or D happens, or even Z.

And I didn't yell at my wife, I was calm, rational but firm and determined in my boundaries. That's where I stood and you stand with me or I stand alone. And I did tell my wife that 1st night that I came there to either fix this boundary issue (and look for any proof of an affair) or take my kids home without her.

Oh, here's one thing she said to me, but you go out with your friends once in a while. WTF, they're all guys and we hang out at a restaurant to eat or drink at their house. Really, that's the same...

Sorry for the long post but just wanted to put this out there to show that TAM can help in handling a situation before it gets out of control.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Manliest thing i have read on here in a long time. Keep working together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

You have my respect sir. I would have done the exact same thing; dropped everything and flew down there to make sure she kept her word. It amazes me how many men won't do that out of fear of what their spouses would think/say.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> You have my respect sir. I would have done the exact same thing; dropped everything and flew down there to make sure she kept her word. It amazes me how many men won't do that out of fear of what their spouses would think/say.


We have more important things than our marriage like...work, and working out, porn and guns...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

I have read of BS that were women who were firm and precise with their words and actions. Good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

I mean zero disrespect in asking this...

But are you saying that if your wife cheated on you, you wouldn't extend her the second chance that she has extended you?


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> I mean zero disrespect in asking this...
> 
> But are you saying that if your wife cheated on you, you wouldn't extend her the second chance that she has extended you?


Cheating is cheating, reason why RA are bad, a years ago affair doesnt justify a future affair for the other spouse. Some spouses give second chances, R, some dont.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Here, have a virtual beer since i can't buy you one:

:beer:

And have another for being calm enough not to brake his face:

:beer:



> Then he tells me (not ask) that he's taking the kids to see another movie before they go home.


Yeah, that would get me in neck breaking mode alright...


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> I mean zero disrespect in asking this...
> 
> But are you saying that if your wife cheated on you, you wouldn't extend her the second chance that she has extended you?


Hah I was wondering that myself. You're some piece of work dude. After feeling almost exactly (note I said almost because nothing, I REPEAT NOTHING is worse than finding out there's actual betrayal) like she did you're still an a$$hole!

Wow. Just wow. To think you actually assume you'd end up with your children as well. HAHAHHA

YOu may have mad respect from some people here but you have zero from me. I mean every disrespect when I say this because what you're saying here is disgusting to me. You shouldn't even be allowed to have a family.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

hotdogs said:


> I mean every disrespect when I say this because what you're saying here is disgusting to me. You shouldn't even be allowed to have a family.


This is a bit harsh. However, I can see your point. He cheated but becomes enraged to the point of threatening to take the kids if his wife does likewise.

Keep in mind though that his wife made a choice to remain married to him, and because of this she does not have a right to cross marital boundaries or have an affair herself.

Knowing what I know now from being on TAM, I think he did the right thing.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

Yeah it was harsh but to threaten to strip a mother of her children just because he got a HINT back of what he handed out is crazy. It's psychopath kinda stuff if you ask me.

His wife didn't even do likewise! He just THOUGHT she did. Doesn't anyone else see the crazy train leaving the station?!


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Threatening to take the kids is definitely over the top. (Although, I don't think that any court would allow him to do that.)

Another reason not to cheat is because you lose the moral high ground, which is evident by Hotdogs' response.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

I missed the part of him being a "cheatinghubby"... Doh...


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

If I remember straight, the OP's affair was 15 years ago; They reconciled. As a former cheater, I'm sure he is well aware of what is at risk and how easily it can happen. Just because he cheated doesn't mean he should make it easy for his wife to get even (not that I think she would).

Anyway, the reason why he has my respect is for what he did now, not 15 years ago. He wasn't going to let a a low life opportunist go after his family. I respect him flying down. I respect him drawing the line. I might have gone the extra mile and joined them at the theater; and I wouldn't give a crap who didn't like it.

And I get the whole Moral High Ground thing, and he doesn't have it, but it doesn't make what he did the wrong thing.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

hotdogs said:


> Hah I was wondering that myself. You're some piece of work dude. After feeling almost exactly (note I said almost because nothing, I REPEAT NOTHING is worse than finding out there's actual betrayal) like she did you're still an a$$hole!
> 
> Wow. Just wow. To think you actually assume you'd end up with your children as well. HAHAHHA
> 
> YOu may have mad respect from some people here but you have zero from me. I mean every disrespect when I say this because what you're saying here is disgusting to me. You shouldn't even be allowed to have a family.



I had to go back and read his back story and I have to kinda agree. He is ready to go nuclear over a hint of barely anything.

Cheating hubby, don't put up with being cheated on but be patient and understanding considering the grace that you have been extended.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

WOW. He didn't threaten to take the kids. He didn't "threaten to strip a mother of her children".

He made a statement. That he came there to establish boundaries re: Uncle XXX, or to take the kids and go home (this is not the kid's home remember. They are visiting). Maybe a little harsh, but it was not a threat that he would take the kids and she would never see them again.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

dogman said:


> I had to go back and read his back story and I have to kinda agree. He is ready to go nuclear over a hint of barely anything.
> 
> Cheating hubby, don't put up with being cheated on but be patient and understanding considering the grace that you have been extended.


I guess you say the jist of what I say only with much more grace and diplomacy. I can see where he would get respect for flying down on a moments notice to claim his place in his own family but I still was really put off by the threat to his wife. That's why I flew off my handle. Sorry!


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> WOW. He didn't threaten to take the kids. He didn't "threaten to strip a mother of her children".
> 
> He made a statement. That he came there to establish boundaries re: Uncle XXX, or to take the kids and go home (this is not the kid's home remember. They are visiting). Maybe a little harsh, but it was not a threat that he would take the kids and she would never see them again.


this was your 666th post. Just sayin! Screen cap time! LOL


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Whether he cheated before or not, his actions were not out of line. I would have done the same, and I am 10 years younger so who knows what I would have done.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> WOW. He didn't threaten to take the kids. He didn't "threaten to strip a mother of her children".
> 
> He made a statement. That he came there to establish boundaries re: Uncle XXX, or to take the kids and go home (this is not the kid's home remember. They are visiting). Maybe a little harsh, but it was not a threat that he would take the kids and she would never see them again.


This:



cheatinghubby said:


> But this has taught me one thing though,* if my wife did ever cheat I know that I will be out the door with the kids without looking back. * Everything was planned out, of what was going to happen if there was proof of something or it was just my naive wife not thinking things through.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

lisab0105 said:


> I mean zero disrespect in asking this...
> 
> But are you saying that if your wife cheated on you, you wouldn't extend her the second chance that she has extended you?


Yep, I know I cheated on her and it's a double standard but she's a better person than I am and I know it. She did have a brief EA that I found out about years later through just e-mails and she ended it when things started to turn from friends to more than friends.

I guess that was her get out of jail card already. And since she ended it on her own once she realized she was headed down the wrong road I never brought it up with her. BTW I found out because I was cleaning out her e-mail account for her. She has no idea what the delete button does ever. Every month I clean out her e-mail accounts and they're filled with thousands of junk mail.

I have always said that my wife is a better person than I am.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Is Uncle XXXX your wife's brother?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

southern wife said:


> Is Uncle XXXX your wife's brother?


No, he's not blood related but they just call him uncle XXXX. My kids call all my friends either uncle or aunt and all their kids call us uncle and aunt.

Guess it's just part of the culture. He's just an acquaintance of her family that owns a restaurant near her sister's little market store.

Anyways, I know I'm an a-hole at times. And as to those who said I was taking my kids away from their mom. No, I would have taken my kids home. She could have come home and made a case to me if she wanted to.

And if you think I'm out to screw my wife, if I ever do get divorced (either her or my decision) she would get the house and I would still pay for it and she would still get her salary through the company for as long as I live.

I think that is more than generous 

Also I'm worth more dead than alive to her, too much insurance but whatever 

So if you should hear about an Asian man disappearing or having an accident and his wife got a huge settlement, she did it :rofl:

But since it wasn't a big deal none of this matters. But I was just prepared for any scenario. And I never accused her, I was just making myself ready for any situation that could have occurred. Years ago I would have held everything inside and let it fester, no more. I might say something stupid and might regret it but if it's what I'm feeling I feel it's better to get it out rather than hold it in.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> Anyways, I know I'm an a-hole at times.
> 
> Years ago I would have held everything inside and let it fester, no more. I might say something stupid and might regret it but if it's what I'm feeling I feel it's better to get it out rather than hold it in.


You did exactly what I would have done ... (therefore) you're not an a-hole. It's refreshing to have a guy here not afraid of being called controlling.

How's your wife been towards you since you dropped everything and flew to Florida(?)


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