# Stressed out trying to figure this out



## Itstoocold (Mar 6, 2015)

I have been married almost a year in March and to make it s short story our sex life is pretty terrible..........When we have sex it's awesome no lie it's a great time ......problem is that we don't have sex that much and I'm not an addict but I love having sex. my concern is that maybe she's cheating? But I don't think she is .we do have a kid and she did put a little weight on but I told her so many times I love the way she looks (she went from 115-135) . I love her to death and want to be with her forever but if I'm lucky to get sex once a month and were both under 30. I'm not one to cheat and I'm scared if this continues and the right opportunity is in front of me I'm scared to think **** my wife won't ever have sex with me so why not. We've been together for 7 yrs we both had multiple sex partners before us so I don't think its BC she's bored or tired of me ....I'm just really confused she alwasy says it's her not me


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

It's not uncommon for marriage to completely kill the sex drive of one partner. 

I think it's a commitment thing. 

Why are you scared to think that you'd have sex with someone else? Are you so completely unable to control yourself? If so there are bigger issues here that you need to work on.


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## Itstoocold (Mar 6, 2015)

lenzi said:


> It's not uncommon for marriage to completely kill the sex drive of one partner.
> 
> I think it's a commitment thing.
> 
> Why are you scared to think that you'd have sex with someone else? Are you so completely unable to control yourself? If so there are bigger issues here that you need to work on.


No I can control myself i never cheated on anyone since my high school days which are 12 yrs ago.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

You sound like you can't control yourself when you say "****" my wife the right opportunity is right in front of me, she won't have sex with me so why not"


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## Itstoocold (Mar 6, 2015)

Maybe that came out my mouth wrong I'm really honestly not a cheater but I read so much on here how people go 20 years in relationships and didn't have sex that much regret it so much that they didn't do something about it or leave and I'm just scared I don't wanna be that person


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## mjalex (Mar 5, 2015)

Do you honestly have the alone time to stimulate the will for sex? If you go to work at 6 in the morning, come back at 7 at night, have dinner, then go to bed, there's a slim chance that it'll happen for most people.

Maybe find some private time, even if it's just lying in bed chatting for a few minutes. Cuddle a little, hug, and kiss a bit, and maybe it'll lead to sex.

How's the emotional connection with her? There's an emotional and physical way to express one's feeling in a relationship. Usually one can lead to another. In other words, if the emotional bond is higher, she may be more willing to express herself in a physical way.
I hope this helps!


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

lenzi said:


> You sound like you can't control yourself when you say "****" my wife the right opportunity is right in front of me, she won't have sex with me so why not"


Why does it matter? Controlling himself will fix nothing. Moral high ground is useless in a sexless marriage when the goal is to have a meaningful sexlife with your partner. Op needs to seriously consider options here. Sex down to once a month in the honeymoon phase of marriage is an impending train wreck.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Itstoocold said:


> I have been married almost a year ..........
> 
> ......problem is that we don't have sex that much and I'm not an addict but I love having sex.
> 
> ...


First of all, calm down, you sound incredibly needy and unsure of yourself. Women don't find that sexy. So you may be part of the problem. Also your wife with a young child is probably exhausted and you are way down their on her list of survival things. You might want to figure out how you can provide her with some time to rest, so you get to be higher up on her list.

When she tells you she is the problem, she is probably telling you 90% of the truth. So don't get too insecure, just use your mind to improve her and your situation.

My suggestions are read a couple of great relationship books and STUDY them. The first is Chapman's Five Languages of Love. It will tell you how to make your wife feel loved IN HER LOVE LANGUAGES, not yours. 

The second book you should get an read is Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity, which is about how in long term relationships (and you have been with this woman 7 years) it is difficult to keep that spark of unknown lust alive. It will give you some ideas on what is going on. 

The third book I would recommend is Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy. Glover explains that a Nice Guy isn't very sexy to women, he seems needy, codependent and weak. He also makes covert contracts with the object of his affection and then beats his head against the wall trying to barter his way to the love he thinks he wants. He also explains how if he gets a life, becomes a better more interesting MAN, his wife will be more attracted to him.

Good luck.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

If the kid is young, some drop off is to be expected. I would be concerned though if a year has gone by since birth and nothing has improved. 

Speaking from experience, the longer this goes on, the more it becomes the new "normal". When you don't accept what has been established as "normal" within your relationship, your partner will view you as the one with the problem.

So if you are headed down this path, you have to take steps to stop it now.

She says "it her not you."

Assuming she's had sufficient time to adjust to child rearing, this means that she's just not feeling attracted to you at this point.

Best course of action is to work on improving yourself. Start with physical fitness and expand from there.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Itstoocold said:


> I have been married almost a year in March and to make it s short story our sex life is pretty terrible..........When we have sex it's awesome no lie it's a great time ......problem is that we don't have sex that much and I'm not an addict but I love having sex. my concern is that maybe she's cheating? But I don't think she is .we do have a kid and she did put a little weight on but I told her so many times I love the way she looks (she went from 115-135) . I love her to death and want to be with her forever but if I'm lucky to get sex once a month and were both under 30. I'm not one to cheat and I'm scared if this continues and the right opportunity is in front of me I'm scared to think **** my wife won't ever have sex with me so why not. We've been together for 7 yrs we both had multiple sex partners before us so I don't think its BC she's bored or tired of me ....I'm just really confused she alwasy says it's her not me


I had this problem to. Women usually think they can get out of having sex, put on weight and take advantage of you after they are married. If you try to stop her, she can always divorce you. Since you were together for such a long time before you were married, maybe marriage wasn't the right choice for you. I remember I thought marriage would be so great but I quickly realized how wrong I was.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

I have a different perspective.



> ...Women usually think they can get out of having sex, put on weight and take advantage of you after they are married....


Most women I now don't think about getting out of sex, it is just that a lot changes after marriage. In fact Schnarch points out that marriage is an incredible institution that is designed to change two people and allow them to grow. He calls marriage a crucible. Like a crucible where you put iron and carbon or copper and tin, and out comes a product that is stronger and different than what was originally placed in the crucible, marriage has two people enter and out comes something different. What you make of marriage while in that process of change is what determines what comes out.

As to the weight, prior to marriage, most women don't cook with/for or eat every meal with a man who needs to consume more calories than she does. What I have observed is that once a woman becomes a wife (and mother) she often eats at the same time and the same food, (and portion size!!!!) as her man and that means unless she seriously ups her amount of exercise she will gain weight. It is hard for women to keep their weight down unless they dramatically at dinner fill their plate with low calorie foods, while their husband eats what he needs and more of the high calorie foods. If they start to eat like their husband most of them gain weight.

As to the lower sex drive. Many married women, especially with small children are exhausted by all they do. Exhaustion is a real libido killer. She may not be saying to herself, "now that I have a child, I can stop having sex." She may just be saying, I am exhausted and need some free time without my child to unwind so I can get a good nights sleep. 

Does that mean she should ignore her husband? No. Does it mean that her husband should try to find ways to help? Yes!!! Can he take the child on say a weekend day out to the park or to play and let the mom sleep, rest, read a book? Sure. Does it mean he can do more of the chores around the house? Sure. There is a lot he can do so she will be more rested.

Good luck to the OP


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> I had this problem to. *Women usually think they can get out of having sex, put on weight and take advantage of you after they are married.* If you try to stop her, she can always divorce you. Since you were together for such a long time before you were married, maybe marriage wasn't the right choice for you. I remember I thought marriage would be so great but I quickly realized how wrong I was.


I get that you've had a rough go of it. But seriously, that doesn't mean all women are like your wife. You're way out of line.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

jb02157 said:


> I had this problem to. Women usually think they can get out of having sex, put on weight and take advantage of you after they are married. If you try to stop her, she can always divorce you. Since you were together for such a long time before you were married, maybe marriage wasn't the right choice for you. I remember I thought marriage would be so great but I quickly realized how wrong I was.


"Get out of" ?? You make it sound like a chore. It's supposed to be fun, for both parties. "Put on weight" ?? Men do that too, I know I did. "Take advantage of you" ?? Men take advantage of women too. "Yeah, honey, you stay home and clean the house, feed our 3 children, and put them to bed while I play golf and have a few drinks with the boys. Oh, and when I get home, be washed, half naked and crawling on your hands and knees begging to suck my shlong." 

Men need to grow up, learn how to fuuck and take care of their women!


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> I had this problem to. Women usually think they can get out of having sex, put on weight and take advantage of you after they are married. If you try to stop her, she can always divorce you. Since you were together for such a long time before you were married, maybe marriage wasn't the right choice for you. I remember I thought marriage would be so great but I quickly realized how wrong I was.


Yikes! You are so wrong. You can't throw all women into one category and say we all think and act alike! You can only say what your experience with your wife has been. I can just tell you that after 4 kids and 24 years of marriage, I have not put on any weight, I am not looking for ways to get out of having sex, and I am not taking advantage of my husband! 

If you look into the cases of sexless marriage, the refuser is the husband as often as it is the wife.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> I had this problem to. Women usually think they can get out of having sex


Wow. Either you married the wrong woman or she married the wrong guy. Or both.



jb02157 said:


> .. put on weight and take advantage of you after they are married.


Ok, this part is probably not too far off. After marriage, some, or many women start packing on the pounds, and some, like my now exwife get this idea that they're "entitled". In that, well heck they married a guy who makes good money, she bore his children, and she's entitled to go and spend most of his paycheck because, well that's what marriage is all about.

At least in my case the sex was good up to, and even during the divorce.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Seven years is when lose desire. This biological. Don't more household chores. That will make you even less attractive. Do the traditional masculine stuff. Make sure her car is in good shape. You can clean that. 

Are you overweight? If you have a "v" shaped torso and flat stomach, your wife may desire more sex.

Read the threads of neuklas and Bagdon.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

There does seem to be something nefarious about that 7 year number. 7 years--the honeymoon is already over regardless of how old the marriage is. 

Itstoocold--how old is your child?

How frequent was sex leading up to the marriage?


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## Itstoocold (Mar 6, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> There does seem to be something nefarious about that 7 year number. 7 years--the honeymoon is already over regardless of how old the marriage is.
> 
> Itstoocold--how old is your child?
> 
> How frequent was sex leading up to the marriage?


Our kid is 2 and the sex was atleast once a week.... she's talking about having more kids and trying for another in December but I want to fix this before we do..........also I'm not fat at all but I am a little overweight and when I was super skinny she told me she liked when I was huskies


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## Itstoocold (Mar 6, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> There does seem to be something nefarious about that 7 year number. 7 years--the honeymoon is already over regardless of how old the marriage is.
> 
> Itstoocold--how old is your child?
> 
> How frequent was sex leading up to the marriage?


Child is 2 she is always talking about having our second child very soon but I want to fix this before that happens.....I'm not overweight a little chubby yes but when I was skinny she told me she liked it when I was more huskier


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Don't have another kid.

Do get in shape. Really good shape. So much so that she starts to wonder what is up with you.

If you can do this and she is still not interested you will stop giving a sh-t.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You need to be muscular. Heavy shoulders. No gut.

Don't listen to her words. Her action, desire for sex will be proof.


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