# Very long story...please advise



## hehasmyheart (Mar 11, 2010)

I'm going to summarize to shorten this. Married 15 years, 2 children. Worked 3rd shift, he worked 1st, he didn't want to pay day care. We spent most of our time apart, and he controlled the money. He filled his emotional gaps by spending frivolously on numerous things. He would take my check, give me very little spending money, then blow money on himself. I never handled the bills (though, in hindsight I should have). When I started working nights, we agreed I would eventually go part-time. After a while, he got a 2nd job, and I thought this might provide enough extra for me to go part-time. Wrong! It provided him more money to spend on himself. He eventually lost the 2nd job. He then had major medical issues for more than a year. Fast forward to today....we are majorly in debt over his spending habits & selfish ways. I had threatened divorce many times in the past, and even went to marriage counseling by myself (he refused to go). I thought it would be best for our kids if we could make things work. I wasn't happy at all. Sex was very infrequent, and we hardly even kissed. There was a lot of resentment. Eventually (Feb 2009), I met a man on the internet. I had no intention of it going anywhere, but I was lonely and we ended up talking frequently. I work nights all alone, and had a lot of free time at the time we started talking. Our talks became more frequent, and before I knew it, I started to develop VERY strong feelings for him. When I realized this, I sobbed for hours. I think I cried because I hadn't actually "felt" in so long. He (the other) and I talked about stopping in the beginning because "it wasn't right" and he is so far away from me. We knew it was a complicated situation, but I couldn't stop feeling for him. He made me feel high, he made everything better, and made me feel worthy of happiness. In a way, maybe it was an ego boost...I mean, my husband hadn't cared to pay attention for years, and here was this man.....I have to add that he's absolutely gorgeous, was paying attention to ME. We share a lot in common and our connection is phenomenal. Fast forward again to July 2009...my husband said "S (his brother) thinks L (his brother's wife) is having an affair". After he told me this, they proceeded to put a spy device on his (the bro's) home computer to see what his wife was saying on facebook to the guy she had been talking to. It turns out she was, like I, having an emotional affair. The other and I started thinking he (my husband) had the spy device on my computer also. I got paranoid, so I confessed to him. At first, he destroyed some of my belongings and flew into a rage. Part of our issues also stemmed from his rage at the kids and me, his cussing and belligerence, etc. Anyway, after the initial rage, he started promising me the world, and has actually improved a lot on his behavior, and he has started sharing more financially and going out as a family more. The problem is, my heart and every other part of me, is with the other thousands of miles away. We have not met in person, although we've talked about it repeatedly. I love him, and I no longer love my husband. If he didn't care for 14 years, why now? The other says it's because my stock went up. So, I guess my question is...should I stay or should I go? I wanted a divorce even before the other came along. Do I stay in a marriage of convenience for the sake of the kids? Do I divorce and meet the other to finally know if it's what we think it is? I feel so attached to him, and I don't want to let him go. We've been over it so many times that we need to say goodbye. We've gone 2 weeks without talking, and always seem to come back. All I want to do is meet him, but I know there are others to think about besides him and me. Please advise, sorry this is so long but there was a lot to cover. Thanks.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Not to dismiss the importance of all this in your life but that's a VERY common story.

Very difficult. Its TOTALLY understandable that you progressed this way.
There isn't really right or wrong (in my eyes).
If you really did try and you have nothing left then maybe you should tell H you want to end it and see where that goes. 

I'm going to tell you that the other guy could be next door or a thousand miles away.
His goodness is relative to the loveless husband.
Meaning there's a lot of emotion there. Other guy was there when you really needed it.
Its very hard but you shoud try hard to set him aside and determine path with husband and kids.
Then if you divorce, take some time, maybe even meet guy but be very very careful of falling into him because a cold drink of water after being in the desert is sure to taste good,
Just be careful it too won't turn out to leave bad after taste.

Sorry, no black and white, no right or wrong.
Your feelings, guts and hopefully clarity through all the pain.
Get back to a counselor.
Make sure you're good on your own first. You don't need someone to "fulfill" you.

Good luck!
You're not alone at all....even though I'm sure it feels that way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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