# Valentine's Day in a dead marriage



## p77 (Feb 10, 2021)

Long story short.....largely sexless marriage, not toxic so staying together for kids (we have two teens and I'm trying to minimize the impact on them, which will likely mean staying together for another 2 years). What to do about Valentine's Day?

We've been largely able to avoid Valentine's Day for the past few years thanks to various circumstances. But this year, given the pandemic, it's unavoidable. I'm not sure how to tackle it and I'm looking for perspectives. She likely won't raise the subject (I'm not even sure she knows it's Valentine's Day this weekend) so I figure I have four options:

a) As in year previous years, acknowledge that it's Valentine's Day and that it's probably best that we ignore it so as not to open old wounds.

b) Suggest to her that we do something for Valentine's Day, despite our unromantic marriage, given that we're stuck spending the day together regardless.

c) Don't raise the subject, but get her a small gift anyway to either (i) make her feel bad for being the bad guy in the marriage, or (ii) keep in my back pocket in the off-chance that she gets me something.

d) Do nothing.

Thoughts? I can't be the only one with this dilemma.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

p77 said:


> Long story short.....largely sexless marriage, not toxic so staying together for kids (we have two teens and I'm trying to minimize the impact on them, which will likely mean staying together for another 2 years). What to do about Valentine's Day?
> 
> We've been largely able to avoid Valentine's Day for the past few years thanks to various circumstances. But this year, given the pandemic, it's unavoidable. I'm not sure how to tackle it and I'm looking for perspectives. She likely won't raise the subject (I'm not even sure she knows it's Valentine's Day this weekend) so I figure I have four options:
> 
> ...


Why is your marriage sexless?


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

p77 said:


> (i) make her feel bad for being the bad guy in the marriage,


This kind of stuff doesn't make things better for the kids.

You can get candy without a heart box or something that just says happy Valentine's. It doesn't have to be hearts, flowers, lovey-dovey.


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## p77 (Feb 10, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Why is your marriage sexless?


I appreciate the question, but I'm not looking to get into that. To answer it quickly though, it's been a classic case of bait and switch.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

p77 said:


> I appreciate the question, but I'm not looking to get into that. To answer it quickly though, it's been a classic case of bait and switch.


I was simply curious if it was something that could be fixed.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

p77 said:


> Long story short.....largely sexless marriage, not toxic so staying together for kids (we have two teens and I'm trying to minimize the impact on them, which will likely mean staying together for another 2 years). What to do about Valentine's Day?
> 
> We've been largely able to avoid Valentine's Day for the past few years thanks to various circumstances. But this year, given the pandemic, it's unavoidable. I'm not sure how to tackle it and I'm looking for perspectives. She likely won't raise the subject (I'm not even sure she knows it's Valentine's Day this weekend) so I figure I have four options:
> 
> ...


I'm not a halfway kind of guy.

If you are staying in the marriage, be there fully.

Plan something you know she will enjoy and make sure her calendar is clear.

Love her or leave her. Anything else is being a *****. (TAM edited form of kitty or wimp)


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

I'm not understanding why you would even consider doing anything for Valentines Day given the dismal state of your marriage.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I asked if there was a plan. Wife went and checked calendar, "I'm working"
In the past work schedule just meant we would celebrate on another day. 
I think we are acknowledging the death of romance.
My girls all celebrate SAD (Singles Awareness Day)
Anyway, It appears I'm completely off the hook this weekend.
Also odds of sex between now and then are also zero.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Sounds like you're asking what color tie to wear to dinner on the Titanic. So, I'd say any option is probably as good as the next. A casual observer would wonder more about why you're on the Titanic? What are you afraid the choices are going to convey?


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## p77 (Feb 10, 2021)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> What are you afraid the choices are going to convey?


I'm not looking to convey anything, I guess I'm just trying to get through the day without rocking the boat (to maintain your Titanic theme).

I'm leaning towards suggesting to her that we ignore it as usual, but I appreciate other's perspectives who may be in the same boat (see what I did there?).


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## p77 (Feb 10, 2021)

Mr. Nail said:


> I asked if there was a plan. Wife went and checked calendar, "I'm working"
> In the past work schedule just meant we would celebrate on another day.
> I think we are acknowledging the death of romance.
> My girls all celebrate SAD (Singles Awareness Day)
> ...


I feel your pain


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## p77 (Feb 10, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> I'm not a halfway kind of guy.
> 
> If you are staying in the marriage, be there fully.
> 
> ...


Harsh, but not unreasonable. If it were just she and I, I'd have left long ago.


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## p77 (Feb 10, 2021)

Trident said:


> I'm not understanding why you would even consider doing anything for Valentines Day given the dismal state of your marriage.


Agreed. I'm looking for strategies on how to avoid it.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

p77 said:


> I'm not looking to convey anything, I guess I'm just trying to get through the day without rocking the boat (to maintain your Titanic theme).
> 
> I'm leaning towards suggesting to her that we ignore it as usual, but I appreciate other's perspectives who may be in the same boat (see what I did there?).


Sorry, I assumed you were asking this for the benefit of what the kids would think since you mentioned them. If that doesn't matter, you're probably just as well to take the easy choice and ignore it.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I'd get something to have just in case...even if it's just a small bag of her favorite candy. My ex and I never did anything for VD. I'm not really into it to be honest. I could maybe have gotten into it with BF but it's his daughter's birthday so he focuses on that...he was very honest about it from the start so no bait and switch. He takes very good care of me all year long so no biggie for me.


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

There really is no way to avoid it. We didn't share anything on Valentines for 10 years. But since we had a daughter we kinda made it about her and it was pretty easy that way.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Other options:

e) Set up a date with her and plow the crap out of her.

f) If e is repulsive, give her a gift of divorce papers.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

If you must continue the lie, then buy something small just in case she gives you something.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

My wife and I think its a foolish holiday and getting your spouse a gift for no other reason than society told you too is almost an insult. Ignore it.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Sbrown said:


> My wife and I think its a foolish holiday and getting your spouse a gift for no other reason than society told you too is almost an insult. Ignore it.


This right here. Just ignore it, who cares. I can't remember the last time my wife and I did anything for valentines day or exchanged gifts, and we are in a happy marriage.

Also, I understand for some it is easy to say just divorce her and move on, but we all know when kids are involved it just isn't that simple. As long as the household isn't toxic, nothing wrong with making the extra sacrifice for a little longer.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@p77, 

1) My spouse and I are deeply in love, but even we recognize that Valentine's Day is just a marketing scheme. I do crazy little things every year, but I don't "buy gifts" or spend significant money...and trust me, I adore the man! Thus, it seems inconsistent to me to get gifts or spend money on someone whom you don't adore. 

2) You two have children, and you are only together for their sake, so it sounds to me like both of you love the children. Since that IS where your love lies, why don't you both agree to focus your Valentine's Day "festivities" on loving the kids? For example, instead of buying flowers, chocolates, a gift and a card for a women you don't love who doesn't love you...why not spend the day with the kids, do a Valentine craft, deliver their Valentine cards, or give them gifts? They'll still enjoy it, because you do honestly love them, and you won't be lying by giving gifts and acting falsely "romantic" with someone you don't love.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It's sad you think staying together is "for the kids." Growing up in a loveless household is not good for kids. You're teaching them that's what they should do. 

How about you get the whole family a huge box of chocolates, and that can be "for the kids" and for your wife as well.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

I don't understand why it matters if you do nothing...if you've done nothing in the past, how can it "rock the boat"...?

And if she knows you are only staying for the kids, why would she want anything from you at all? That confuses me.

I have never used gifts and remembrances as measures of love when my relationships were happy, but especially it would feel like a slap in the face to get something knowing my partner had no real feelings for me! I would only want something given out of care and love for ME, not something that was dishonest or misleading. 

I LOVE presents and fun things, but only if they really mean something from the giver.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Affaircare said:


> My spouse and I are deeply in love, but even we recognize that Valentine's Day is just a marketing scheme. I do crazy little things every year, but I don't "buy gifts" or spend significant money...and trust me, I adore the man!


It IS silly, but I LOVE chocolate, so I will never complain about another holiday for that!!  

I always go to the store the day AFTER Valentine's when the candy is half-off, and get TWO boxes (or FOUR...Lol!!!)
That's always seemed like a better way to celebrate than trying to make it ON the day!!!


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

In a sexless marriage as well.. I agree it's a bit uncomfortable but either he or I buys some kind of dessert for the family. In years past I would buy my own flowers and he would walk in the door with a box of candy. I also made it about the kids--some kind of goodie bag-- treats, small item and card. They enjoy it..


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

My husband was a big fan of Valentine’s Day and it took years for me to warm up. I am so glad he kept at it, we really do make a day of it now, we had some rough times, some great times. But we both make an effort now.

Look, Someone’s always got to be the first - take a leap. Things can change, or they won’t but you can’t know this, and do it with zero expectations. You just might surprise the both of you. I’ll leave the gift decision up to you.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> I'm not a halfway kind of guy.
> 
> If you are staying in the marriage, be there fully.
> 
> ...


I'm with Conan on this one. Not gonna place blame on any one person on why your marriage is what it is but it can't hurt to pretend, at least for one day, that it's something better than it is. You never know, it could be the start of something good.

I say you get her a gift. Something actually nice and sweet, the sort of thing you would give a woman if you were totally in love with her. Put some actual effort into it. Make sure the gift is wrapped nicely and everything. With the gift, you should include a hand written note telling her how much you appreciate her, how much she makes your life better. I don't care how sexless/loveless your marriage is, really put some thought into this and talk about the good things. Be sincere.

After you give her the gift, I am sure it will surprise her. See how she reacts. If the woman gives a crap about you in the slightest, she will do SOMETHING. If she doesn't have much of a reaction, at least you know. Take it from there.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Why don't you just order in dinner from someplace for you, your wife and kids? Sit down and have a non-romantic meal.
You can make it special for your kids.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

I have a clever joke here, but i'll spare it...it's a bit insensitive....Funny though...

Anyway, I guess the best thing to do is get her the standard red roses(not the one's from the florist, but the cheaper one's you get from the grocery store), then a rather bland and unromantic card...Give it to her along with a hug and peck that you would give your cousin...Then disappear in the garage or basement..The 15th will come and you get it off your plate...

Its weak, but better than nothing at all, and probably what most guys are doing in dead marriages...your sitch isnt unique...


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

p77 said:


> Agreed. I'm looking for strategies on how to avoid it.


Why do you need a strategy?

Do nothing. If she asks:

"Wife, Valentine's Day is to celebrate romantic love... something that has been missing for a long time in our relationship. I won't celebrate something that does not exist."

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Luckylucky said:


> do it with zero expectations


Why is this a requirement for men who already have zero Actual Affection?


jlg07 said:


> Why don't you just order in dinner from someplace


She needs a third Mothers day? I mean apart from the Dad pony's up for elaborate Brunch on actual Mothers day, and Dad does the grilling on Fathers day, Now you want a heart shaped pizza on VD?


hamadryad said:


> better than nothing at all,


Nothing at all is actually the best he can hope for.


Enigma32 said:


> it can't hurt to pretend


Actually It Hurts an effing lot.


Enigma32 said:


> I don't care how sexless/loveless your marriage is


Well at least there is finally truth here.

As you are deciding weather or not this post is actionable. I'll slip the candy I bought last night, and a heart note into her lunch box Sunday morning. She's having girls day out today.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

p77 said:


> Long story short.....largely sexless marriage, not toxic so staying together for kids (we have two teens and I'm trying to minimize the impact on them, which will likely mean staying together for another 2 years). What to do about Valentine's Day?
> 
> We've been largely able to avoid Valentine's Day for the past few years thanks to various circumstances. But this year, given the pandemic, it's unavoidable. I'm not sure how to tackle it and I'm looking for perspectives. She likely won't raise the subject (I'm not even sure she knows it's Valentine's Day this weekend) so I figure I have four options:
> 
> ...


Does SHE know you are just together for the kids? If that's the case, you could do nothing at all, or get her a box of chocolates. No other plans.


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## p77 (Feb 10, 2021)

GC1234 said:


> Does SHE know you are just together for the kids?


Yes, she knows.

I'm liking the suggestions of making it about the kids. Do something special for them. That's the one lasting thing we have, and it feels like a more positive way to ignore the awkwardness. Thanks for all the perspectives!


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

For the kids.
When my grandmother was a teenager (1930's) some local boys pranked her and some of her sisters on valentines day. It was awful. As a result of that, every one of her 50+ grandchildren received a valentines card every year. Just so they would know someone loved them.

So I took a clue from that and made nice Valentines gifts for my kids every year while they were in school. I do agree with doing things for the kids. The youngest graduated 4 years ago. D was on the horizon 2 years before that.


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## HLSRMI (Feb 12, 2021)

p77 said:


> Long story short.....largely sexless marriage, not toxic so staying together for kids (we have two teens and I'm trying to minimize the impact on them, which will likely mean staying together for another 2 years). What to do about Valentine's Day?
> 
> We've been largely able to avoid Valentine's Day for the past few years thanks to various circumstances. But this year, given the pandemic, it's unavoidable. I'm not sure how to tackle it and I'm looking for perspectives. She likely won't raise the subject (I'm not even sure she knows it's Valentine's Day this weekend) so I figure I have four options:
> 
> ...


If you have teenagers, you've been married for a while. Marriage is what you make of it old wounds and all..


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## HLSRMI (Feb 12, 2021)

HLSRMI said:


> If you have teenagers, you've been married for a while. Marriage is what you make of it old wounds and all..but being married to an old friend is a gift that can keep a person grounded. Best of luck to you.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

isn't being grounded how you punish teenagers?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Well it's over until anniversary in august. I made it through another year. 
What I learned from this post this year is that when romantic love is dead, then it is time to stop celebrating it. In other words, next year I won't buy a present for myself. Because I'm really getting tired of that.


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## HLSRMI (Feb 12, 2021)

HLSRMI said:


> If you have teenagers, you've been married for a while. Marriage is what you make of it old wounds and all..





Mr. Nail said:


> isn't being grounded how you punish teenagers?


No


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

HLSRMI said:


> No


I'm fully aware that you are attempting to put a nice spin on a difficult situation. You are misguided. Being married to an old friend, is not a good description of P77's situation. You are confusing a lingering contractual obligations with a marriage. 

A marriage is when two willing and loving partners work together for common goals. That in deed is a grounding ( stabilizing) influence. As I am in the same relationship as P77 just 10 years down the road, I can see that the relationship is better defined as two bitter rivals trying to get an advantage before the whole thing implodes. That relationship is destabilizing. 

And yet, here I am.

If you intend to continue discussing you will need to reply more often than weekly.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

OP, how did he go? I would have opted for D (actually DD...  )


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You do what feels right for you.

I didn’t do anything for Vday. My wife left a card on my nightstand that I never opened. I haven’t done our anniversary or romantic holidays for the past 6 years now I believe.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

ABHale said:


> You do what feels right for you.
> 
> I didn’t do anything for Vday. My wife left a card on my nightstand that I never opened. I haven’t done our anniversary or romantic holidays for the past 6 years now I believe.


Is there a reason you didn't even open the card (sorry I don't remember your history with your wife...)


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

jlg07 said:


> Is there a reason you didn't even open the card (sorry I don't remember your history with your wife...)


Words are meaningless with no actions backing them. Why would I want to read meaningless words.

I have never posted my full story.


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