# Not Sure What To Do



## Lost Angel (Sep 10, 2009)

New to the forums, so any help would be more than welcome.

Im not sure where to start, Ive only been married to my husband just under 2 years......I dont even know when it all started going to wrong, or if it has ever been right?

Throughtout the time that we have been married, I dont think I have ever trusted my husband. I'll admit that I probaly am a bit posessive over who he is friends with, Im really paranoid about his female friendships. 

It all started when he started a new job just after we were married. He worked in a hotel, which had a lot of female staff. At first it wasnt a problem until I discovered, he wasnt working late as often as he said, instead he was going out to night clubs instead, with his colleagues. (I only discovered it becos my friend told me to have a look at our local nighclubs website, the photos section, in it I discovered a photo of my husband dancing with some random girl). Over the next 2 months, his phone never left his side, he took it everywhere with him including the toilet, I found this strange he hardly bothered with it before that. So one night when it was laying on the coffee table I decided to have a look. There phone number saved under names of people I didnt know, (by this point Id met most of his colleagues) There were calls made & received when I thought we were both asleep, in particular 1 name always came up, Sarah, a girl from his work......whom we'd had drinks with a few times. I confronted him as soon as he came into the room, he said I was paranoid & should trust him as nothing was going on, the girl was just working nights & needed to talk to someone about the computer system at work, etc. I didnt believe, I mean why hide it, why not just tell me. The girl soon left the work for a move to a hotel abroad, so we didnt hear from her again after that, his phone started leaving his side again. :scratchhead:

Over the next few months after that, every seemed fine, we were just like any normal couple, until he got made unemployed, then got another job & it all started again. This team he was a security guard in a local nightclub......... new numbers started showing up on his phone again (I know I shouldnt have been snooping, but the phone was in his pocket permantly again). Some numbers were guys number, it wouldnt have mattered but the texts messages that matched up with the number, were signed from girls! Some of them signed, "see you on the door tonight,xxx". How am I supposed to react to that. Again he denied anything to it. This time tho I gave him an alternative, he either quits the door jobs & changes his number or me & the kids move in with my folks. He chose us, so again another new start.

He quickly found a new job, in a more male enviroment, altho still in security. Everything was going well until we decided to make our bank accounts joined, to make the bills etc easier. It was all about to go through, just one bit of paperwork for me to sign (I went along myself), the girl seemed so nice. Then she took a look at me hus bands name & former address (his folks address). She said that she used to know my husband over 10 years ago, we laughed had a few jokes about what he was like then, & how is now. As I left I thought nothing of it, until he got home. He said to me what a bolt out of the blew this girl getting back in touch was (I hadnt even mentioned her), I asked who he was talking about & he said the girl from the bank.......I asked how he knew about her being my teller, he said she had called "him" to confirm the account had been set up.........I asked why did she call him, when it was me that she had been dealing with, he replied "she just wanted to get in touch, see how I was doing & hoped we could stay in touch, so we swapped numbers"..........I said I wasnt really happy about how she had got in touch with him, he said I shouldnt be so paranoid. For some reason tho, he never seemed to text her or call her back, when she called/text him. It was until one night i decided to check his phone, when he was in the shower. There were calls from her whilst he was at work (I found this strange, becos as far as I had been told, he wasnt allowed to receive calls at work, even on his phone). I put the phone back & decided to leave it. I checked his phone later that evening & the caller log had been deleted. Same happened the next night & the next, until Monday night when I couldnt take it anymore & confronted him, he said again, stop being so paranoid, but this time I didnt back down. I asked him why she only called or text when he was at work & why always deleted the history.......his response was becos of me being so paranoid, he felt he couldnt have a friendship with her that I knew of, becos I would over react, but isnt hiding it worse?  After much arguement, I asked him to leave so that I could have time to think. That was Monday night about 11pm..........its now Thursday & he has only seen the kids once since then, altho we have arranged for him to see them every evening including tonight, but he only showed on Tuesday. I havent heard from him since, except to cancel each evening, he keeps saying its to work late, but he works 12hours a day & isnt allowed, by company policy, to work longer hours.

Im at my wits end, am I just being paraniod & over bearing as he thinks, or is there more to it. Where do we go from here, I love him, but at the same time I havent really cried over the seperation so far? I dont know whether I can trust him, or is it all in my head. I dont even know if my head & heart are in it anymore. Sorry for going on, I have no-one to talk to, we have the same circle of friends, (mainly his) & my family think the sun shines out of his backside & think Im over reacting! Can someone help?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

it kind of sounds like its a combination of both- you pushing him away and he therefore finds comfort some place else. 

with the bank girl- i think you were paranoid there and i can understand why he deleted her number. he probably didnt want to deal with it. 

but with the other girl's numbers and working at the club- there may have been something there. its just hard to tell if its because you are pushing him away with your paranoia, or if you are paranoid because something is really going on. 

you may want to do a little soul-searching. perhaps go to counseling about your insecurities, or do some reading. he may be cheating, but what you're really looking for is peace of mind and i dont think that will come from anything he does. i think you'll have to do some soul searching. its not really about being more trusting of him, its more about not seeing your H as an object for your happiness, and having more confidence in your own ability to cope if he does cheat on you.


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