# Coping with infedelity



## Lana77 (Jun 5, 2013)

I'm going to try to make this as simple to the point as possible. My husband and I have been together as a couple for 10 years, married for almost 4. While no relationship is perfect, he has had his downfalls where I have always been the ever devoted girlfriend/ fiancé/ wife. My husband cheated one me while we were engaged and he just fully confessed to me about it earlier this year. When it was happening some 4 years earlier, I had an idea that he was cheating and when I asked him about it during that time, he denied it and never told me the full truth. His excuse now was that he wasn't sure if he wanted to me married and that he loved all of the attention he was getting. Come to find out, it was with more than one chick! Yeah, I'm hurt but I have forgiven him. Now with me. I cheated on my husband over 4 months ago. I ended it and told him. He is furious and cannot seem to forgive me. He is so mean to me and calls me a ***** and a **** for my actions. I did not cheat on him out of revenge. I did it only for the simple fact that I did not feel loved by him and that he was constantly mistreating me with his actions ( verbally abusive, alcoholism, self centered) and if I had not had my affair, he wouldn't had ever confessed to his. Now he is telling me that his affair wasn't as bad as mine and that his affair doesn't count because we weren't married! WHAT! I don't quite understand his logic. He says he wants to work on our marriage, and I' m willing to, but he keeps bringing up my affair and acting as if he is a victim. What do I do?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

This is a hard one as you cheated and he is the victim. Own your actions and take the responsibility for them. You violated your vows so face that. Now as to his affair. He is a person of just as low of moral character as you have exhibited because he cheated when betrothed to you and lied about it all these years. Make him own his actions. You need to get into counseling and make sure it is someone that has both your interests at heart. Your best bet would be to appeal to his current state and let him know that his hurt is as bad and real as you experienced due to his decisions. The two of you need to be fully open, honest, and transparent in everything about the past and present to insure that you have a future if that is what you want. 

Good luck with your endeavors.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

Double standards. It always seems to me that the cheater thinks it is ok for them (him in your case) but when the other one cheats that is just worse. 

Sorry you find yourself here and I wish I was not here for the same reasons. Well I did not cheat, but he did.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Lana77 said:


> I'm going to try to make this as simple to the point as possible. My husband and I have been together as a couple for 10 years, married for almost 4. While no relationship is perfect, he has had his downfalls where I have always been the ever devoted girlfriend/ fiancé/ wife. My husband cheated one me while we were engaged and he just fully confessed to me about it earlier this year. When it was happening some 4 years earlier, I had an idea that he was cheating and when I asked him about it during that time, he denied it and never told me the full truth. His excuse now was that he wasn't sure if he wanted to me married and that he loved all of the attention he was getting. Come to find out, it was with more than one chick! Yeah, I'm hurt but I have forgiven him. Now with me. I cheated on my husband over 4 months ago. I ended it and told him. He is furious and cannot seem to forgive me. He is so mean to me and calls me a ***** and a **** for my actions.* I did not cheat on him out of revenge.* I did it only for the simple fact that I did not feel loved by him and that he was constantly mistreating me with his actions ( verbally abusive, alcoholism, self centered) and if I had not had my affair, he wouldn't had ever confessed to his. Now he is telling me that his affair wasn't as bad as mine and that his affair doesn't count because we weren't married! WHAT! I don't quite understand his logic. He says he wants to work on our marriage, and I' m willing to, but he keeps bringing up my affair and acting as if he is a victim. What do I do?


You didn't cheat on him out of revenge. Ummm, yes, you did. I was in the position you were in and I cheated. When my wife asked me if it was because of her affair, I said it wasn't, as that was what I believed.

But I was wrong. It was out of revenge, revenge for feeling unloved, unattractive, etc.

Your husband is a victim. *But only of his own insecurities and stupid past actions.
*


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## dusty4 (May 8, 2013)

You are both a victim. You of his cheating, and him of yours.

IMO you both should just divorce.

But if you are to stay, then he needs to realize that both of your cheating episodes are on even ground. I don't care if he cheated before marriage. It doesn't matter. Cheating is cheating.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

dusty4 said:


> You are both a victim. You of his cheating, and him of yours.
> 
> IMO you both should just divorce.
> 
> But if you are to stay, then he needs to realize that both of your cheating episodes are on even ground. I don't care if he cheated before marriage. It doesn't matter. Cheating is cheating.


They don't have to divorce over the cheating. However, if he is being abusive, that might be a game changer. Certainly MC is required, I would think.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Both victims and perpetrators.
Set timelines to dea lwith each other transgressions.

BTW, he's full of it with that nonsense his sh1t doesn't count.

MC (be sure you shop him/right) is in order.

Another thing. As long he's an active alcoholic there's no chance to have a half decent marriage.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

He betrayed you.

You betrayed him.

Sounds like a match made in heaven.

I fail to see the problem.


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## dusty4 (May 8, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> They don't have to divorce over the cheating.


Not over the cheating itself, but if one spouse can't get over the other's cheating, then yes, I think they should.


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## dusty4 (May 8, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> He betrayed you.
> 
> You betrayed him.
> 
> ...


Thats one way to look at it. Saving 2 other people I suppose.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Nobody ever REALLY "gets over" someone cheating on them. Especially in a marriage.

BUT they can get through if it if they BOTH want to, are committed to repairing the relationship, and being dead honest with eachother.

OP, you now see two wrongs don't make a right. He is totally upset and should be but he also does have a double standard.

You were both wrong x 1000.

Marriage counselling is a good idea. Or really really communicate.

if he keeps throwing it in your face, then you need to decide whether you want to stay or go.

Don't cheat. It's bad.


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