# "Love you", "Want you", but not happy/lost.. Please give advice ASAP..



## baby blue (Mar 11, 2013)

*"Love you", "Want you", but not happy/lost.. Please give advice ASAP..*

Can you tell by my title, this makes no sense to me :scratchhead: My better half and I have been together for almost 16 yrs, we have kids, house, everything a married couple would have but due to reasons of commitment issue never have gotten married.. (that's another story) LOL We have gone thru a few affairs, splitting up, but worked together to conquer and overcome them- each time him saying he didn't know why just felt lost, needed to release, but it meant nothing, he loved me, and wanted to stay together.. 
We have a pretty good relationship (besides that), although now something has come up. I noticed a few months ago he was pulling away acting strange, so it got to piont I questioned. It's not another women (thank gosh) but he's lost again. 
He say's he's unhappy, that he feels like he's going to explode. With 3 kids, we work graveyard shifts and really don't get away much- so he feels trapped in the house. I tell him to go out with his friends, but "I don't want to go without you, my chioce but I don't want to leave you here I want you to go". So he doesn't go out  (my theory is- if your unhappy then find happiness even if not with me. He also believes in this- sorta).. So he wanted to split up but then said no he doesn't he just doesn't know.
Long story short- I gave him a suggestion that if he really wants to work on us, he needs to find himself first and decide for sure if he wants us, but in his own space not in the house with family. So he asked if I'd come with him to look at hotels together and paid for a month at one- he just moved in Saturday.. 
Problem ?- I planned a surprise getaway for this Wednesday at the ocean (I think he saw papers today when dropping off our son).. Should I still mention and ask if he wants to go? Should I see if he mentions and then ask him? or Should I just follow thru and give him space that I told him he needs. He tells me even thru all this and left me note today "I do love you", which I believe and know he does.. I just don't want to be "to nice", to still be intimate which he still does, but I don't want to push him away niether.. HELP


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

*Re: "Love you", "Want you", but not happy/lost.. Please give advice ASAP..*



baby blue said:


> Can you tell by my title, this makes no sense to me :scratchhead: My better half and I have been together for almost 16 yrs, we have kids, house, everything a married couple would have but due to reasons of commitment issue never have gotten married.. (that's another story) LOL We have gone thru a few affairs, splitting up, but worked together to conquer and overcome them- each time him saying he didn't know why just felt lost, needed to release, but it meant nothing, he loved me, and wanted to stay together..
> We have a pretty good relationship (besides that), although now something has come up. I noticed a few months ago he was pulling away acting strange, so it got to piont I questioned. It's not another women (thank gosh) but he's lost again.
> He say's he's unhappy, that he feels like he's going to explode. With 3 kids, we work graveyard shifts and really don't get away much- so he feels trapped in the house. I tell him to go out with his friends, but "I don't want to go without you, my chioce but I don't want to leave you here I want you to go". So he doesn't go out  (my theory is- if your unhappy then find happiness even if not with me. He also believes in this- sorta).. So he wanted to split up but then said no he doesn't he just doesn't know.
> Long story short- I gave him a suggestion that if he really wants to work on us, he needs to find himself first and decide for sure if he wants us, but in his own space not in the house with family. So he asked if I'd come with him to look at hotels together and paid for a month at one- he just moved in Saturday..
> Problem ?- I planned a surprise getaway for this Wednesday at the ocean (I think he saw papers today when dropping off our son).. Should I still mention and ask if he wants to go? Should I see if he mentions and then ask him? or Should I just follow thru and give him space that I told him he needs. He tells me even thru all this and left me note today "I do love you", which I believe and know he does.. I just don't want to be "to nice", to still be intimate which he still does, but I don't want to push him away niether.. HELP


Ask him. Phrase it that it would give you time alone together to talk about your relationship without family interruptions. He will have the rest of the month to have that ‘space’ he wants. Make it clear that there will be no sex. Let him know that you don’t feel connected to him in that way right now. This is a chance to work on the relationship without that sex making it more complex. 

If your relationship is to have a chance, you need to make some changes in your life. 3 kids, graveyard shifts = stress. You can’t get rid of the kids. Can you change your work schedules? You also need to make time to work on your relationship. Plan dates, time for just the two of you.

He has a strange idea of commitment. When things build up, he has an affair. And he excuses it. Are you okay with this? There is no excuse for cheating. I wonder about your self esteem, staying with a man who behaves like this.

Sorry if that sounds harsh. Perhaps counselling would help yu both deal with the underlying issues here.


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## NoRush (Jul 14, 2014)

*Re: "Love you", "Want you", but not happy/lost.. Please give advice ASAP..*

A getaway might help, but surprising him with a getaway probably won't help.

Agree with above poster. You need to make changes to your life/relationship. He's stuck in a rut, spinning his tires without any traction. That's just going to lead to heartache unless you can find a way to change tracks.

Stay strong.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

*Re: "Love you", "Want you", but not happy/lost.. Please give advice ASAP..*



baby blue said:


> Can you tell by my title, this makes no sense to me :scratchhead: My better half and I have been together for almost 16 yrs, we have kids, house, everything a married couple would have but due to reasons of commitment issue never have gotten married.. (that's another story) LOL We have gone thru a few affairs, splitting up, but worked together to conquer and overcome them- each time him saying he didn't know why just felt lost, needed to release, but it meant nothing, he loved me, and wanted to stay together..
> We have a pretty good relationship (besides that), although now something has come up. I noticed a few months ago he was pulling away acting strange, so it got to piont I questioned. It's not another women (thank gosh) but he's lost again.
> He say's he's unhappy, that he feels like he's going to explode. With 3 kids, we work graveyard shifts and really don't get away much- so he feels trapped in the house. I tell him to go out with his friends, but *"I don't want to go without you, my chioce but I don't want to leave you here I want you to go".* So he doesn't go out  (my theory is- if your unhappy then find happiness even if not with me. He also believes in this- sorta).. So he wanted to split up but then said no he doesn't he just doesn't know.
> Long story short- I gave him a suggestion that if he really wants to work on us, he needs to find himself first and decide for sure if he wants us, but in his own space not in the house with family. *So he asked if I'd come with him to look at hotels together and paid for a month at one- he just moved in Saturday.. *
> Problem ?- I planned a surprise getaway for this Wednesday at the ocean (I think he saw papers today when dropping off our son).. Should I still mention and ask if he wants to go? Should I see if he mentions and then ask him? or Should I just follow thru and give him space that I told him he needs. He tells me even thru all this and left me note today "I do love you", which I believe and know he does.. I just don't want to be "to nice", to still be intimate which he still does, but I don't want to push him away niether.. HELP



So, he can't go out for a night without you but he's ok with moving out of the house?


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