# Good news



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I know I need to keep my emotions in check, but she just called me to propose we spend Christmas eve together. Church, Presents exchange, Dinner and a Movie.

My heart is filled with joy! 

I wish all here on TAM gets good news in the coming days.


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## I'm me (Nov 19, 2011)

This is me said:


> I know I need to keep my emotions in check, but she just called me to propose we spend Christmas eve together. Church, Presents exchange, Dinner and a Movie.
> 
> My heart is filled with joy!
> 
> I wish all here on TAM gets good news in the coming days.


That's awesome! I'm really happy for you!:smthumbup:

I will have good news this week as well. I will be home for Christmas. Can't wait to see my wife and kids!


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

Great! My good news is I get to have 4 days off.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Great news! Hope it goes well


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Thought I would give an update on my maritial drama. We saw each other on Christmas eve, which was cordial, but not as good as I imagined. She backed off on seeing a movie and Church made it clear we were not the same couple we had been just months before. None of her gifts to me fit, not blaming but seemed appropriate.

One bombshell she dropped as a present was that she will be going on a vacation with her sister in February. This is the same sister she works with who took emails about the guy at the office who the WAW has/had and interest in and who has, in my eyes, been the bad role model of relationships to the WAW for years. This sister has been through many relationships in the past 20 years. The one standing at our doorstep on D day, ready willing and able to help destroy the WAW second marriage, just like she did the first. A story that was admitted in our early marriage, but has conveniently changed in recent years.

Can you tell I don't care too much for this sister?

We met again the day after Christmas at the MC. I thought it went well, but she went silent when the MC suggested we try spending a night or weekend together to test the waters. She did though suggest we go to a movie after MC, which we did. A fig stem.

At MC I was very proud of myself for listening closely and also for expressing how one of the recent isses she brought up could have easily been avoided. Not sure she accepts any responsibility, but I admitted mine.

Saw the movie "Decendents" with G. Clooney and found myself relating to some of it with the torn heart of a man blind to a wifes fall from love. Especially the scene where he is in a meeting with a group of cousins and then his mind wanders off into his pain. That stare into a funk which I have experienced many time in this year of 2011.

After the movie she came back and worked out at our house, since the other sisters house she is staying at was packed with people and crap from the holidays. Then she left.

We agreed to two more IC sessions and a joint MC over he next few days.

All in all I thought it went well, but the fact is at this point I believe I am falling out of love with her. I can't believe I am admitting this, but my heart is fading. I guess it must natural when the love is only one way for so long. I have experienced that complete feeling of total blissful state with her many times in our 17 years, and she knows about it, but not hearing any of that or seeing any hope of that makes me see that I really need to consider moving on with my life.

I can't for the life of me imagine wanting to be with any of her family after all of this and she likely has the same thoughts. Sad. I am still practicing patience, but see that maybe I need to stop letting her drive my life in this land of limbo. Maybe another month of this, who knows.

Everyone I know tells me what a great guy I am, look 10 years younger than my age, am fit athletic and humbly handsome, successful. But none of that really has ever mattered to me.

There must be someone who would want to share my remaining years with me. I do clearly see there is hope for my future without her. Just not looking forward to the going through Divorce to get there.

OK done rambling on.....


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Sorry you are going through this. Sounds like you should just man-up and divorce. There is life after marriage!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

KanDo said:


> Sorry you are going through this. Sounds like you should just man-up and divorce. There is life after marriage!


Thank you. I will give it a little longer, but I think the reality is becoming clearer.

One thing is for sure, it takes two to make it work.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

This is me said:


> Thank you. I will give it a little longer, but I think the reality is becoming clearer.
> 
> One thing is for sure, it takes two to make it work.


Yes and no...

I did most of the work when Hubs left. But now it's an equal effort..just took some time on his part to see that I was serious about it.

You say you are falling out of love with her...that could just be emotional exhaustion. 

I do suggest a complete and total 180. No contact. No return of phone calls. when she wants to see you, don't reply or simply say you are busy. Make her work. Drop the ball and see if she picks it up. Then you'll have your answer.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

You know me, the never ending optimist. You are falling out of love with her, in my opinion, only normal. You can’t be expected to go through all of this without your own feelings being tested; you’re human just like she is.

Clearly you don’t want to overreact to every little positive thing that may happen, but at the same time, her agreeing to additional counseling, is positive. To me, focusing on positives beats the heck out of focusing on negatives?

You may not be able to make it better, but you sure can make it worse. 

Project good, and in time, your good will be returned. (with this woman or another?)


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

This is me said:


> I believe I am falling out of love with her. I can't believe I am admitting this, but my heart is fading. I guess it must natural when the love is only one way for so long. I have experienced that complete feeling of total blissful state with her many times in our 17 years, and she knows about it, but not hearing any of that or seeing any hope of that makes me see that I really need to consider moving on with my life.


I know, I've been there myself. It is very painful. However, you sound emotionally healthy, and ready to test the waters of moving on.

I am very sorry for your loss. I remember reading, many years ago, that when we leave a partner, we grieve the loss of ourselves. Why? Because we give ourselves to another, and that part of us can never be returned. 

We're looking at a new year in a few days. Sounds like this may be a time for you to forge a new life. Please stay as positive as you can. You sound like a great guy. I believe a good future awaits you. Happy New Year's!


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Yes and no...
> 
> I did most of the work when Hubs left. But now it's an equal effort..just took some time on his part to see that I was serious about it.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

RDJ said:


> You know me, the never ending optimist. You are falling out of love with her, in my opinion, only normal. You can’t be expected to go through all of this without your own feelings being tested; you’re human just like she is.
> 
> Clearly you don’t want to overreact to every little positive thing that may happen, but at the same time, her agreeing to additional counseling, is positive. To me, focusing on positives beats the heck out of focusing on negatives?
> 
> ...


I think it is human nature to ONLY look at the negatives and harp on them.

While I was in the midst of my hell...a very dear, dear friend told me (while I was sobbing on the phone) to stop and look at what he IS doing...not what he isn't doing.

And that changed everything.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Yes and no...
> 
> I did most of the work when Hubs left. But now it's an equal effort..just took some time on his part to see that I was serious about it.
> 
> ...


TG, you have been there with me from the start of her walking away. I consider you a good friend. Thank you. 

It has been almost a year now since she shocked me with the word Divorce and since then I have been the only one really trying. Her efforts may I say, pathetic and worthy of the divorce she claimed to want.

I have found myself recently looking at her different than I did just a few weeks ago. Before it was a combination of a loving, missing, and a longing for her, now she looks much less attractive to me and the person who has brought me little empathetic caring and instead plenty of needless pain.

I hear what you are saying about a complete 180 and find it hard to do while going to MC. Which I believe is helpful whether or not we make it. I guess I would have to stop the MC and IC to go complete 180?


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

RDJ said:


> You know me, the never ending optimist. You are falling out of love with her, in my opinion, only normal. You can’t be expected to go through all of this without your own feelings being tested; you’re human just like she is.
> 
> Clearly you don’t want to overreact to every little positive thing that may happen, but at the same time, her agreeing to additional counseling, is positive. To me, focusing on positives beats the heck out of focusing on negatives?
> 
> ...


Honored to have your comment as I find your postings full of brilliant wisdom. I have saved several of them for rereading.

I guess my tested emotions have shown in this latest update. I do see the postives in her continuing on, but when I step back and try to imagine the future with her, coupled with my loss of the feeling of love for her, it appears dismal and at this stage unlikely that fighting for us is a worthy battle.

You and TG are right. One of the main things about the 180 is to become a better me and project that good, which I know I have plently to give. For me and who ever would like to share it.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> I know, I've been there myself. It is very painful. However, you sound emotionally healthy, and ready to test the waters of moving on.
> 
> I am very sorry for your loss. I remember reading, many years ago, that when we leave a partner, we grieve the loss of ourselves. Why? Because we give ourselves to another, and that part of us can never be returned.
> 
> We're looking at a new year in a few days. Sounds like this may be a time for you to forge a new life. Please stay as positive as you can. You sound like a great guy. I believe a good future awaits you. Happy New Year's!


Thank you. That is so true, it is a grieving on many levels including a part of me. I like the positive thought of the New Year ahead. Happy New Year to you as well.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I am picking up the postive theme here. Thank you all.

One thing I found interesting that came up at our last MC meeting. 

She complained to our Counselor about me visiting this website to share our personal details with strangers. I thought this to be bizarre in the fact she finds it better to share the details of our relationship with people we both know and coworkers. Isn't it less damaging to the relationship to share and learn from strangers?

The MC commented that me coming here is kind of like a virtual support group. Amen!


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

This is me said:


> Honored to have your comment as I find your postings full of brilliant wisdom. I have saved several of them for rereading.
> 
> I guess my tested emotions have shown in this latest update. I do see the postives in her continuing on, but when I step back and try to imagine the future with her, coupled with my loss of the feeling of love for her, it appears dismal and at this stage unlikely that fighting for us is a worthy battle.
> 
> You and TG are right. One of the main things about the 180 is to become a better me and project that good, which I know I have plently to give. For me and who ever would like to share it.


Thank you for your kind words. Although it is me that is honored, If something I write can help someone through the pain that we have all suffered, than it makes my journey worth the effort.

I'll share a personal story with you. I went through this struggle for a few years, I worked my a$$ off becoming a better man and husband, I did not believe that I was seeing any results for my efforts. By this time, my family knew the story, they knew how hard i had worked and all suggested that I should let her go.

I went to my first family outing alone, I was emotionally exausted, had little to give. It must have been clear, as a few of my family members made the comment that "I was a beaten man".

Something changed in me that day. I was a beaten man. I told myself that day that I would never again allow the actions of another person to determine what I was. It was that day that I started being the man I was for me. That day I started setting boundaries. I started expressing/behaving that if our marriage was to end, it was her loss, not mine.

To quote people here "I manned up", but just as important, I learned what TG expressed. 

All along, my wife did show possitive signs. I was just obsessed with the negative things she was doing and had done. She was stuck in the same mode of operation.

When I could see the possitive and react to it, I allowed her to do the same. 

Did that alone save our marriage?, Can that save all marriages?

The answer to both is NO!

But it's a he!! of a good place to start.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

So here it is Thursday about 1:30 and we haven't talked since Monday. I am tired so it brings on the emotions, but not talking with her is bringing me pain. God I hate this roller coaster of emotions.

Why couldn't I have married someone who would have fought for the relationship rather than run from it. OK having a pity party for myself and venting.

Prayers for me please.


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## WhyinSC (Dec 16, 2011)

This is me said:


> So here it is Thursday about 1:30 and we haven't talked since Monday. I am tired so it brings on the emotions, but not talking with her is bringing me pain. God I hate this roller coaster of emotions.
> 
> *Why couldn't I have married someone who would have fought for the relationship rather than run from it. *OK having a pity party for myself and venting.
> 
> Prayers for me please.


I feel the same way. After a long time trying to reconcile with my WW I just gave up, started hating her for all the crap she put us through, and went Dark on her. She is falling all over herself trying to figure out what happened and what I'm doing but I don't even care. I'm leaving the relationship for my sanity. She strung me along way too long. I want to be in a relationship where the person WANTS me and will FIGHT for ME. Enough of this one-sided BS.

I'll pray that you don't let this drag on...


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Maybe it is because I am tired after waking early today then walking 18 holes of golf, but I feel more depressed than on Christmas. I think in part because our MC in IC, when talking about how we will be at different New Years parties, suggested I ask her if we could talk at midnight to wish each other a Happy New Year. I brought this up with her and she did not want to do it. Sad.


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