# An odd situation...



## FunnyBoy (Feb 6, 2012)

I am 30, my wife is 25. Married 2+ years, together for 4 1/2.

Things have changed. I mean, I know that things are expected to change after you get married, but this just feels too soon in our lives.

Here are my main issues:

1. Her overall awareness or concern about sexual things is seemingly nonexistent, or at worse, unattractive. For example, about a month after we started dating, she would give me oral in my parked car. Wouldn't happen now. About a year after we got together, I had to go out of town for a week, and she sent me topless photos on my phone. Hasn't happened since, wouldn't happen now. Even when I suggested it once, all I got was, "Oh, baby." About a year ago, I sent her a sexy photo while she was away all day. When I asked why she didn't do things like that, she said that she and her sisters weren't brought up to send naked photos of themselves to people. She also didn't like that fact that I looked "excited" in the picture, which brings me to my next point...

2. We were having sex once a week. Now, it's once every two or three weeks, and only if I initiate. The problem is, she is a HUGE opponent of masturbation. She considers it disrespectful, inconsiderate, and borderline cheating. Being respectful of her wishes, I completely quit masturbating once we got together. So now, I'm not getting sex as often as I'd like, and I can't give myself the release. As you can imagine, these two factors have taken a serious toll on my endurance in bed. With my last girlfriend, I was able go for two or three hours nonstop. But because of a lack of attention, I can no go for five minutes or less before I feel like finishing. That leads me to my final concern...

3. She doesn't want long sex anyway. She wants it to start and be finished and that's it. She says that the foreplay feels good, but the actual sex is all she cares about, and she doesn't like for it to take a long time. I understand that it's a preference, but the whole "hurry up and get it over with" attitude is not very sexually stimulating.

I hate to dump all of this on you at once. She is a fun person, but when I bring these things up to her (which I plan to do soon), I know that she will ask me why sex is such a big deal to me. I guess, what I'm looking for from you guys, is:

A) Should I bring these things up to her?
B) Is this normal?
C) Good ideas to bring things up, if I should.

Thank you so much. Just typing it has been so therapeutic.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

In short, yes you should discuss the issues with your wife. Hopefully others can explain how best to do that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So she used to be more into sex and you. Now not so much?

How have you changed since you two married? 

How much time a week do the two of you spend doing date-like things.. just the two of you?


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## FunnyBoy (Feb 6, 2012)

I really don't think I've changed at all, aside from the fact that I stopped smoking. She really liked that. I haven't gained or lost weight, I still dress well, and I still make her laugh every day. We are GREAT friends and really enjoy hanging out. She just sees sex as either a dirty thing, or an unimportant thing, or a little of both.

We are together a lot, especially the past couple of months. We are very social people, and end up going out with friends quite a bit. We also make sure to take plenty of time to ourselves, so that it's just the two of us.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The reason I asked about the amount of time that the two of you spend together is that to keep a passionate marriage the two of you need to spend about 15 hours a week together.. just the two of you.. doing date-like things. Spending time with friends does not count in these 15 hours.

Has she made any mention of you changing in any way? Ask her if she thinks you have change in any way. I'm talking about how your interact with her, not your appearance.

Have you asked her why she did these things before but will not do them now?


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Is her negative view of sex from a religious upbringing?


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## FunnyBoy (Feb 6, 2012)

We have spent A LOT of time together alone over the past couple of months. Not all doing date-like stuff, though. She also has not mentioned any changes in me. I have no asked why things have changed. I'm afraid she'll respond with, "Oh, God, why do you care so much about it? Like, what's the big deal? Why are you so obsessed with sex?"

And yes, I do think that a religious upbringing had something to do with her views on sex.

Last night, I was lead to believe that we were going to have sex, but she asked if we could wait until this morning. Still waiting...


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

What was her religious upbringing (what church)? Also, maybe if she read this it would help her understand:
The Dennis Prager Show
The Dennis Prager Show.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Just to put my two cents worth in about the masturbation. 

Your wife is defying logic and biology here. The fact is that masturbation is a medical necessity. Without ejaculating several times per week you are putting yourself at risk of prostate cancer. 

I don't think that your wife has the right to tell you to risk prostate cancer. Your body, your decision.



_New Scientist:

Frequent sexual intercourse and masturbation protects men against a common form of cancer, suggests the largest study of the issue to date yet.

The US study, which followed nearly 30,000 men over eight years, showed that those that ejaculated most frequently were significantly less likely to get prostate cancer. The results back the findings of a smaller Australian study revealed by New Scientist in July 2003 that asserted that masturbation was good for men._

_Mens Health:

Leitzmann's findings were that men who ejaculate between* 13 and 20 times* a month had a 14% lower risk of prostate cancer that men who ejaculated on average, between 4 and 7 times a month for most of their adult life. Men who ejaculated upwards of 21 times a month had a 33% lower lifetime risk of prostate cancer than the baseline group._


You also have a right, as a married person, to a decent sex life. She has to see a counsellor or her pastor/priest about this issue or it will slowly destroy your marriage.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

This situation is very normal, but not acceptable. You should read on the subject. Michelle Weiner Davis' Sex starved marriage was helpful (you can read the first chapter free on Amazon or here: Divorce Busting® - Books on Marriage - First Chapter of Sex-Starved Marriage). Sex is more than the physical release, it is the hallmark of a strong emotional bond (for many). Your wife's dismissals of your sexual wants is more of an emotional than physical rejection. I find it best to learn what you are feeling/thinking, then try to explain it to her. A book or refence to other people's posts (male and female - females feel the same rejection when their husbands deny sex or downplay the importance of sex or demean their wives constant interest in sex) can help her see that you are not just a sex fiend or horn dog, and that her actions can be jeopardizing your marriage. It will also give examples of what the more desirous spouse can do to make sex more likely/better.

Also, unless there is a religious issue that you prescribe to, masturbation is perfectly natural. Some people find porn to disrespectful or cheating, and that can be understandable. But, a low drive person telling her spouse that he cannot masturbate and using manipulative behaviors to reinforce her reasoning is not cool. (Don't be fooled, the "I think it's cheating and disrespectful" is a huge load of BS. I am not saying that she does not feel that way, but 95%+ of men and 85%+ of women masturbate, and they are not all disrespectful cheaters. She might as well say eating icecream is cheating or swimming in the same pool as another woman is disrespectful). I completely understand how difficult and convincing a wife can be when laying down these laws, and how it is impossible to get through with a reasonable reply. The best technique I can conjur is drafting a logical letter/email. She cannot argue irrationally with a logical letter (though she can and likely will be defensive and remind you of all the things you have or could have done wrong). Sexual release relieves stress, is shown to have health benefits (albeit inconclusively), and it is pleasurable. 

You love her and want to make her happy above all else. The only thing is, for you to have a satisfying relationship, she must at least put your happiness on par with hers. That means, both of you understanding how important sex is to you. That should mean that sex is important to her. If sex is not a big deal, why does she care so much about masturbation and I assume actual cheating. I.e., sex is a big deal. Then why is she dissmissive of it?


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Oh, also, would a noctural emmission be cheating? What about a dream about another woman? What about a dream about masturbating? If she draws a religious line about masturbating, I hope she refrains from working on the Sabbath and would never wear cloth made from more than 1 fabric. Also, she should keep kosher, shave her head, . . . While no one adheres to all the bible's/religion's requirements, and itis perfectly fair for someone to have their own vision of what is required, it is in no way perfectly fair to pick and choose the requirements that someone else must adhere to. 

If you do not yet have children, resolve this issue first!!


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

This is going to sound cynical (and maybe it is. . .but I am in a good mood today - healing up from my surgery), but sadly. . .this is "Sex in the Suburbs" with suburban housewives.

(assuming you are middle class)

As soon as the ring goes on, the hair goes off and many wives feel absolved of any duty to the marriage in this capacity.

It's classic - the almost overnight change in sexuality (from "sexual" to "non-sexual.") Appearance, demeanor, etc.

We could wax on for hours here (and maybe we will) as to why this happens, who's to blame, etc. . .but suffice it to say, you had better intervene now, rather than later.

It's interesting.

Pre-1960/feminsim/The Pill. . .women were pretty much asexual (or at least taught to behave that way) pre-marraige and then taught to become sexual post-marriage.

Now. . .almost the opposite ethic prevails - go have your fun pre-marriage and then when you get married, well, gee, you had better "settle down" and get to work on the drudgery (raising kids, building wealth, maintaining a house).

I am honestly not sure what's in it for a husband/to get married nowadays.

I don't necessarily think any of this happens on purpose, but just noting a societal trend in women and men and marriage and sex. . .


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## Redd7899 (Feb 4, 2012)

FunnyBoy said:


> I am 30, my wife is 25. Married 2+ years, together for 4 1/2.
> 
> Things have changed. I mean, I know that things are expected to change after you get married, but this just feels too soon in our lives.
> 
> ...


Yes, I do think you need to communiate your "feelings" about these issues. Make sure you don't word it so that it sounds like it's her fault though. Something like, when you want me to hurry up and finish, it makes me "feel" like I'm not pleasing you or that you don't desire me as much as you use to. Everyone has a right to their feelings, therefore, when someone says or does something that makes you feel bad, sad, upset, etc., you need to share that by letting them know how it made you feel. I know most men aren't real into feelings  but 2 adults in love should be able to discuss anything as long as it's communicated properly. Placing no blame on one or the other. 
Since my husband and I only have sex maybe 1 every 2 or 3 months and I have spoken to him about it, he understands my feelings, but it hasn't helped the situtation of no-sex. Maybe it will work for you.


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## FunnyBoy (Feb 6, 2012)

Thanks to all. I really appreciate the input. I'm trying to choose the right time to talk to her or email her about this. It's a delicate balance. I don't want to make her feel like she's a bad wife, but I also don't want her to get pissed off and think I'm some kind of horn dog. We'll see how it goes.


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

FunnyBoy said:


> I am 30, my wife is 25. Married 2+ years, together for 4 1/2.
> 
> Things have changed. I mean, I know that things are expected to change after you get married, but this just feels too soon in our lives.
> 
> ...


Sex-Starved Marriage is a good start - to help really bring into focus how important sex is to a marriage. Its the one act that makes your relationship to your wife unique. It should be beautiful, rewarding, and another way to express your love for each other. Its going to be a balancing act your entire relationship with what you want and what she wants. Like its going to be with money, free time, raising children, etc. If their is true love there, hopefully you will both compromise to an solid compromise. 
But the best way is to bring it up during a time when your both getting along well, when sex isn't imminent or your hurt from being shot down or whatever. 
Explain to her that a good sex life with her makes you feel good about your relationship. It is your "love language" so to speak. Bad sex is like her trying to express she loves you in a foreign language. 
But you have to be willing to accept that she might not never be the girl you were when you were dating.


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## FunnyBoy (Feb 6, 2012)

Hoping to have "the talk" tonight, if I can get up the courage to bring it up!


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Funnyboy,

"Having a talk with the wife" is like me walking into a prison and trying to win an arm wrestle.

The "communication deck" is stacked against you. the scientific fact is females are born with their mouths moving. Males don't start for months.

You've established that you need to intervene. That's good.

But I caution you going in there with guns ablazing. . .there may be a more measured approach to take.

I don't say this to be cynical, but oh geez. . .see my analogy above. Be careful.

She'll have you walk away feeling a life a pervert for asking. . .


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> I'm afraid she'll respond with, "Oh, God, why do you care so much about it? Like, what's the big deal? Why are you so obsessed with sex?"


Tell her you need to connect with her through sex, that you feel disconnected from her emotionally without that kind of physical intimacy.


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## FunnyBoy (Feb 6, 2012)

Oy. I'm about 30 minutes away from bringing it up. Afraid I'm going to chicken out. *SIGH* Stay strong!!!!


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

FunnyBoy said:


> Oy. I'm about 30 minutes away from bringing it up. Afraid I'm going to chicken out. *SIGH* Stay strong!!!!


FunnyBoy,

Someone needs to post the Dennis Praeger link about how married men and women view sex. Your wife needs to read it as well. I wish I knew how but am still a novice on the technology aspect of this site. I think this will help you clarify your position and will help her get a broader view of what sex in marriage is about for most men.

Do not put this off because although you love her now I promise it will only turn into resentment down the road.


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## FunnyBoy (Feb 6, 2012)

Well, I would have had the talk last night, but I fell asleep. I get sleepy early, and crashed out. In a couple of days, we will be in the car together for a long time. Thinking about bring it up then. Bad idea?


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## FunnyBoy (Feb 6, 2012)

*Re: An odd situation... UPDATE*

So, we sort of had the talk. We agreed that it doesn't matter when where or why, if one of us wants sex, they say something and they get it.

I also brought up about keeping things fresh, and she wasn't really understanding. It's hard to talk about sex with her, because I'm afraid she'll think that I'm just some horndog or something. Oy.


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## ARF (Jan 26, 2011)

*Re: An odd situation... UPDATE*



FunnyBoy said:


> So, we sort of had the talk. We agreed that it doesn't matter when where or why, if one of us wants sex, they say something and they get it.
> 
> I also brought up about keeping things fresh, and she wasn't really understanding. It's hard to talk about sex with her, because I'm afraid she'll think that I'm just some horndog or something. Oy.


You have to keep chipping away. I'm glad you spoke to her about it, but it is an issue that needs reinforcment. I know from experience.

My wife sounds a lot like yours when it comes to sex. There was a time in her life where sex wasn't a priority. She was also pretty vanilla when we would have sex. Now, I'd say we have a pretty healthy sex life. She has become more comfortable sexually (still a ways to go). She allows help to get herself off, which has increased her drive.

It was a process, but I am pretty happy at the progress we have made. Keep strong and positive.


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## FunnyBoy (Feb 6, 2012)

Thanks, Arf. When we had that talk, she said that she has been feeling less sexual lately, and I have been seeming more sexual, so that may be part of it.

Honestly, if my wife would:

A. simply ask for sex more often (we had that talk a week and a half ago, and still no initiation from her)
B. be more open to ideas
C. would do sexy things outside the bedroom (tease me while we're out, send sexy photos)

I would be a happy man. Am I asking too much? And if not, how do I have these talks without her thinking that I'm just asking too much?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

*Re: An odd situation... UPDATE*



FunnyBoy said:


> So, we sort of had the talk. We agreed that it doesn't matter when where or why, if one of us wants sex, they say something and they get it.
> 
> I also brought up about keeping things fresh, and she wasn't really understanding. It's hard to talk about sex with her, because I'm afraid she'll think that I'm just some horndog or something. Oy.


Don't look at it that way. You want sex because you are attracted to your wife. Of course you are a horn dog for her - that is a great thing. Be proud of it and your attraction to your wife. She may give you a bit of grief, but if you go about it right, she will be happy that you desire her.


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## FunnyBoy (Feb 6, 2012)

I certainly hope so. The three things I mentioned a couple of posts up are the most important right now.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Your post could have been my wife and I a while ago. Almost exactly, apart from some of the things from your first point, because my wife and I didn't have sex before marriage or send nude pics. But we flirted like crazy. Has MMSL been suggested yet? That was very instrumental in turning my wife around. I recommend it frequently, because I think it really gets to the point in this sort of situation. And I was coming from an educated background--years studying psychology (including a university degree) and counseling others. I've read countless books on marriage and relationships and I still ended up with a horrible married sex life. I think that's because most relationship books are written from a female viewpoint and they suggest loads of things that women *like*, but not what gets them predictably *turned on*.


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## FunnyBoy (Feb 6, 2012)

Looks like a good resource. Definitely checking it out.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

FunnyBoy said:


> Thanks, Arf. When we had that talk, she said that she has been feeling less sexual lately, and I have been seeming more sexual, so that may be part of it.
> 
> Honestly, if my wife would:
> 
> ...


What goes on outside the bedroom? Are you engaging in foreplay throughout the day - conversation, flirting, light touching? Being affectionate and attentive outside of the bedroom can sometimes do wonders for what happens inside the bedroom.

As well, observe your wife and her sexual style. Many women are more responsive sexually, than they are initiative. Physiologically, the average woman is simply more 'hard-wired' to be that way - lacking the amount of testosterone that makes the average male spontaneously want sex. You have to work her up to it. 

Can she get aroused by you if she basically starts out in neutral? If so, would she be willing to try more often - even if she is basically in 'neutral', but knowing that once you two get going she gets aroused? Because, many women have an inverse arousal cycle than a man does - they do not start out aroused, but they become aroused after they start.

Desire In Women: Does It Lead To Sex? Or Result From It? | Psychology Today

If you observe your wife and do some general research into the average woman's sexual response cycle, then you may be able to learn how to 'tap' in to that - and part of that is simply being the kind of man that a woman would find very attractive - confident, strong, decisive. 

Best wishes.


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## FunnyBoy (Feb 6, 2012)

Married Man Sex Life is definitely a great website. Thinking about getting the book. Thanks for that great resource.


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