# Family Time during separation/divorce



## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

It looks like family time, when we all do something together may end sooner, rather than later.

As you all know, on my weekends with the children, I have been the one who invites my wife. On her weekends, with the children, I invite myself to the activity.

My wife said ok to 1 of the day's, but said Sunday, she wants them with herself the entire day, until dropoff with me in the evening. Translation - She's irritated with me being at family time.

I stated that I didn't have to go and told her I realized I invite myself. Just tell me so. Sounds real powerful, right?

My children are so important in all of this. I treasure every minute, and would love to have them more than my 50% share. These family times are a way to hang out with them even more. The interaction between my wife and I is more and more limited, especially if a family friend and parent go with us. And, by inviting her on my weekend, I offer the same "extra" time. 

Is she irritated because family time reminds her of the good times with us as a family? Or, is she clamping down on face time with me? Or, is she quickening the pace to final divorce when she dowsn't have to feel guilty about any of this?

I'm wondering. Because weekends without the children are extra painful since I don't have friends and am still uncomfortable being by myself. 

I think I could take physical abuse/pain, more than than emotional at this time.


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## njdad (Mar 29, 2012)

I am seeing the same things. She doesn't want us to all hang out because it will give the children the wrong idea -- that we might get back together; that everything is ok. I want our family to be together, but if that can't happen, I want to see and be there for my kids.


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

I know that you miss your kids and don't like being alone but the sooner you start spending time without them the sooner you will get used to it. It is confusing to your chilldren when you spend all this "family time" together. I have been doing the same thing for the past 2 weeks and I found out from my son that he now thinks his Dad is coming home. I let it happen not just because I miss my son but because I want to spend time with my husband in hopes he will have an epiphany and want me again. All that does is give my son and I false hope.

I understand our situations are different, your wife doesn't have someone else and my h has had a girlfriend for many years. He just wants to have his cake and eat it too. He won't chose. So I'm taking myself out of the equation and chosing myself and my son. I know you want her but if she wanted you she would be home with you and your children. It's time for you to chose yourself. You have to start living your life as if she is never coming back. I know it's hard, I cry every day. I'd give anything if my husband chose me. But he hasn't and I'm tired of the misery and everyone at TAM says the same thing 180 and time are the only ways I am ever going to feel happy again. The longer you wait the longer you are going to be miserable. If she wants the kids alone then you have to step back and let it happen. If you don't have any friends then it's time to make some. Force yourself to volunteer, join a support group, go to a church with a singles program, etc. I know it's hard but you have to make yourself do it.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

i agree with cantmove, nicely said
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Yes, once I develop my own network of friends, I will have plenty of opportunities to stop me from feeling so bad when I don't have the children. I already appreciate all the stuff I do when I'm with them as opposed to when they're with the wife. 

While with them yesterday, I kept looking at my wife and realizing how different she is. 

I am in love with the concept of marriage and who she used to be and all of the dreams I had way back when. So much has happened since. 

There is no way I could ever return to the marriage without her drastically changing. She seems cold, miserable, and just plain.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

Jayb, good to hear you saying some rational stuff man. Where are you on my latest thread??!?!? : )

So, to your point, we just had another one of our family nights tonight and although I saw glimpses of the woman I fell in love with it was mostly as you describe. Miserable, cold, confused, etc.

I hope you genuinely are feeling the distance. I am and it feels much better than before. I'm really starting to worry that this family night stuff is hooey regardless of if she is with OM or not. I know your's is not but I'm not sure it makes a bit of difference.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

I do family stuff to get extra time with the children. Period. Our interaction is more and more limited, and my focus is on appreciating them, rather than fawning over my wife.

tbh, I can't see any man being with her the way her disposition is. Oh yes, she fakes the happy, ha ha, but please.

We need to break free from the "so determined to reunite with them no matter what".

We're slowly getting there.

Just remain focused.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Jayb said:


> I think I could take physical abuse/pain, more than than emotional at this time.


Back in Jan. when I was a month or so in I use to say I just wish he'd smack the crap out of me because I could handle that more than this kind of abuse. He doesn't see any of this as abuse, my guess is your wife doesn't either. 

I wish I had words of wisdom... these past few day were SOOO UP and down for me.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> Back in Jan. when I was a month or so in I use to say I just wish he'd smack the crap out of me because I could handle that more than this kind of abuse. He doesn't see any of this as abuse, my guess is your wife doesn't either.
> 
> I wish I had words of wisdom... these past few day were SOOO UP and down for me.


Of course they don't see that. Afterall, it's just OUR issues we have to deal with as we go through this process.

I do wonder what kind of pain they (other spouse) feel. Is it the same? Same intensity? How do they cope? Does it linger? Do they have one good day, 2 bad, etc.?


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