# What is happening with husband?



## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

I have lived in a sexless marriage for about 16 years. At first I didn't mind since I had 3 kids, 11 hour work day, housework, cooking, laundry, shopping, etc. and doing it all alone. I was tired and frankly the sex had become one sided anyway. I never rejected him but found ways to avoid it and he stopped initiating. Move it along about 4 years and H out of the blue asked me if we were doing okay and I just told him sure...a gal couldn't ask for a better roommate. He decides we needed to leave for the weekend to bring the sex back. I panicked and spent the whole week with dread. I must have looked like a zombie walking into that hotel room. I figured I had nothing to lose to just lay it all out there of why I stopped pursuing it. That it was one sided or half ass effort on his part. That it left me feeling rejected and used and I how I loved the passion and attention that he used to show me. He made the effort for couple of weeks and I was starting to enjoy it again. I was even doing the initiating myself. Next thing I knew it just all stopped and he went back to the lump in front of the tv again. 

I spent the next few months licking my wounds and emerged as a wife of indifference toward her husband. I didn't care how criticism came across. All I knew is my labido kicked in to HD and I was all alone. I decided he can live his life and I will live mine. It was zero passion. Not even enough passion to argue with each other. That remained the status quo for another few years.

I knew he wasn't cheating so I just convinced myself that I didn't turn him on anymore and he had been willing to have pity sex back then because he was worried I might make him do his own laundry and cooking. I knew he cared about me but not enough to make me a priority.

I came across an article on the internet a few years ago about sexless marriages. I was like wow this is us and continued reading about men who are LD.

I gathered up the courage to approach him. We were able to rule out most causes: porn, masturbation, affairs, mental blocks, drinking, smoking, drugs, etc. We were down to physical problems then: low T, prescriptions, or me. He kept putting off going to a doc but I was on a mission to fix us. It worked for awhile but back to the no sex within a few months. The cycle began. I would put in all effort, he would give in, after a few weeks it was pity sex, and I would go off to lick my wounds for about a year, then I would get lonely and try again. This last time though I told him that if it went back to pity sex that I was done with this cycle and it would be on him. He finally went to the doc...another post about that horrible visit...but he did have low T around 389 but still in the normal range for any help. He gave us a prescription for Viagra and sent us off.

Now comes another moment of truth. What if it is me he has no desire for? He pops one of the little boogers and no kidding that it was raging to go before we could finish cooking dinner. He was like a kid again and ended up hurting himself because he isn't used to that kind of workout anymore. I was so happy because things were looking up. We still needed to work on the low T but this was a great beginning. Like all great things it ended after a few weeks...again.

I haven't tried since then and that was over a year ago. I keep myself distracted and just remain in another part of the house. if I even have a sexual thought pop in I just repeat to myself that he is nothing to get turned on about until the feeling dies. When the little blue pills show up in the mail monthly, I just throw them to the side and tell myself what a freakin joke. 

Now to why I am posting after my long intro. H just switched jobs a month ago after 24 years in the same place. He liked the old job and was comfortable but he loves the new job and higher pay. He is the GM and gets to be the boss now. It seems that he likes the new challenges of getting this business off the ground and having good success with it. I could see a difference in his personality, a kind of more aggressiveness. Not necessarily at home but just in conversations about work. Almost a bit of ****iness. We went shopping for a wardrobe that he really did need for the new job. Now a few weeks into the job, he has cut out carbs and sugar. He said it helps with inflammation. I told him good and I am glad to see it is helping. Now last night he tells me is has been calling around town for a place with an exercise pool. I told him cool and hope he finds one.

So I have been thinking for the last few days that maybe he is finally doing what needed to be done to increase T levels and now feeling better about himself. At least fingers crossed that is happening. Then last night I had this quick thought of he is also acting like a man having an affair. The gut tells me I am jumping to conclusions on that one because he isn't acting secretive nor going anywhere other than work. Plus no females coworkers. Even though the gut says no I still can't get the thought out of my head. Please give thoughts of what this could be.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Are your children also his? 

Is your husband the type to cut of his nose to spite his face? I ask because it seems this cycle started when you went into your non-responsive phase. I don't fault you for that, perhaps if your husband had help more it would have resolved itself quickly.


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

The oldest 2 kids are not his but he raised them since they were 4 and 6. The youngest is his. I don't think he would cut his nose off to spite his face...at least not that kind of behavior in the past. I finally just gotten it through my head this last time that I cannot do anything to change him and just do what I can for myself to live with it. 

I am making the choice to just sit back and observe. It isn't that I am unwilling to meet him halfway but I just don't know if there is anything to meet yet. I don't want to get sucked back in and dropped yet again.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

onedge said:


> He is the GM and gets to be the boss now. It seems that he likes the new challenges of getting this business off the ground and having good success with it....
> 
> ...I had this quick thought of he is also acting like a man having an affair.


If he is the boss at a new job, people look up to him and expect him to lead. This in turn will bring out more alpha-male-like personality traits to help motivate him to get in better physical and mental shape.

Generally speaking a group of guys that work well together often haze their boss for close camaraderie. Where I used to work, this included stealing the bosses favorite sunglasses and mailing them all over the world to have random people email him back selfies of them enjoying his sunglasses. 

The more powerful a man is in the workplace, I think will usually coincide with the desire to have a more powerful partner in the bedroom. If you are entering a HD portion of your adult life, you may want to try to dominate him in the bedroom, and see if he responds to that in a positive way. By dominating him, this usually means you will have to do the majority of the work and tease the crap out of him. 

My advice may not help, particularly if the sexual relationship you have with your husband is established on completely different dynamics. Everyone is different. You just have to try to see what it is that makes him respond the best.

DISCLAIMER: You will want to note that much of the advice you will get here comes from men and women with a higher desire than their partners. The best advice would be from a LD male that has managed to get things back in balance with his spouse. So keep in mind it is somewhat like the blind leading the blind so to speak with advice you will get from men.

Hope that helps,
Badsanta


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

Thanks badsanta for the advice. It brought a smile as I thought about my one attempt of dominating in the bedroom. Disastrous....
Kind of hard to play "bad boy" when they just lay there and actually do what you say. 

I was mostly just looking for feedback on this new behavior especially from anyone that dealt with knowledge of low T's. I had read something once that behaving in an aggressive/leadership manner actually does affect T levels. Didn't know if that was true. I can't seem to find anything on the internet to answer this question.

When I read about low T a couple years ago and approached him to have that conversation, he finally fessed up that it was something he already knew. Took a year to convince him to try a doctor again of course to be shot down when he did. So I researched how to do increase levels naturally and gave him the info. I bought supplements, worked on diet with him, encouraged to exercise, because I thought it was important to him. It turned out to be only important to me and he wanted no part of it. That is when I told him it was on him now and can't force him to change and I wasn't going to become a nag over it. I walked away and went back to living my own life.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

onedge said:


> Thanks badsanta for the advice. It brought a smile as I thought about my one attempt of dominating in the bedroom. *Disastrous*....
> Kind of hard to play "bad boy" when they just lay there and *actually do what you say*.


If it was disastrous from your perspective, that is a strong indicator of low sexual self esteem. This is the area where you dominate, with unrelenting and unrealistic self confidence! Your sexuality is yours and you will do exactly with it what you please.

Now regarding him being a bad boy, you tell him what he is NOT allowed to do, and punish him if he disobeys. You place the emphasis on what he can't do (like be inside you or orgasm). Meanwhile you enjoy teasing the crap out of him so he begs and/or you are merciful and/or he get overwhelmed and eventually overpowers you and disobeys. 

:grin2:

You might want to give that approach another go! You do not have to be super dominant, you could just lightly do it as part of foreplay throughout the day and then just let him take you once you push him over the edge of being teased.

Badsanta


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

[*QUOTE=badsanta;15838473

Now regarding him being a bad boy, you tell him what he is NOT allowed to do, and punish him if he disobeys. You place the emphasis on what he can't do (like be inside you or orgasm). Meanwhile you enjoy teasing the crap out of him so he begs and/or you are merciful and/or he get overwhelmed and eventually overpowers you and disobeys. 

*

LOL....That is what I did...with lots of teasing. Disastrous was probably just on my part because I actually thought he had fallen asleep at one point and had to ask him if he was still awake. Not a moan, or movement, or even a muscle twitch. Frankly I ran out of ideas trying to get a reaction other than his being at attention and I was being pretty creative. I finally just released him and let him go.

I am not done ever trying that again...future will tell.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

Once a wife routinely cuts off sex for her husband and rejects him it creates a block in our minds. My wife did it for years, and no matter what I always think she's just play-acting now, pretending she likes it. Sexual rejection of your spouse, especially frequent rejection is a marriage killer and tough to get through.

Now it's your husband rejecting you, so you now understand how difficult it is to come back from. Once one spouse physically rejects the other, it basically becomes a rejection of the marriage, and a full-scale rejection of them they never really forget.


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## jarhed (Nov 11, 2012)

The new clothes, working out, etc. If your gut tells you he may be stepping out, then it is worth looking into. Check his phone and do some other snooping. It is well within your rights as a spouse to check up on him. 

Rule this out.

Regarding the sex: If you guys have had an unhealthy sex life full of rejection - he could muster up the energy to have another woman. Men aren't just all physical. We are mental as well, and having mental connection (especially for me) is KEY to great sex. (Don't get me wrong - I can be mad as hell at my wife and if I'm horny I get it done - but it is much better with a cognitive connection).


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

300s is def on the low side. Seek to up it naturally. Lift heavy things, vitamin d, lots of sleep. Reduce carb intake.

But I think he's harbouring some resentment over the sexless years that you were happy with.

Do you basically get your way about life decisions and he ends up going along with it, grumbling but accepting?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

OMG I love how this statement is glossed over and ignored...



> was tired and frankly the sex had become one sided anyway. I never rejected him but found ways to avoid it and he stopped initiating.



So the sex was uneventful so you stopped initiating? Of course you did, why would you seek out something that didn't make you feel loved but instead made you feel used?




> lay it all out there of why I stopped pursuing it. That it was one sided or half ass effort on his part. That it left me feeling rejected and used and I how I loved the passion and attention that he used to show me. He made the effort for couple of weeks and I was starting to enjoy it again. I was even doing the initiating myself. Next thing I knew it just all stopped and he went back to the lump in front of the tv again.



He stepped it up, sex got good, you became sexually engaged, but then he reverted to his lump in front of the TV mode and you sexually distanced yourself and focused on your own life. Exactly what most women do.




> spent the next few months licking my wounds and emerged as a wife of indifference toward her husband. I didn't care how criticism came across.


Because you felt rejected. You asked him for what you needed, more passion, more care, more sexual attention and not to feel like the closest available orifice in which to scratch an itch so he can get a good nights rest. You felt his indifference toward you, and you became indifferent toward him.




> All I knew is my labido kicked in to HD and I was all alone.
> :::snip::: I just convinced myself that I didn't turn him on anymore and he had been willing to have pity sex back then because he was worried I might make him do his own laundry and cooking. I knew he cared about me but not enough to make me a priority.


This must have been a very painful time for you. Wanting to feel desired and having communicated that need and yet you remained on the back burner so long as you don't make too much noise.

You didn't make sex a priority because you didn't feel like you were a priority to him.



> I gathered up the courage to approach him. We were able to rule out most causes: porn, masturbation, affairs, mental blocks, drinking, smoking, drugs, etc. We were down to physical problems then: low T, prescriptions, or me. He kept putting off going to a doc but I was on a mission to fix us. It worked for awhile but back to the no sex within a few months. The cycle began. I would put in all effort, he would give in, after a few weeks it was pity sex, and I would go off to lick my wounds for about a year, then I would get lonely and try again. This last time though I told him that if it went back to pity sex that I was done with this cycle and it would be on him. He finally went to the doc...another post about that horrible visit...but he did have low T around 389 but still in the normal range for any help. He gave us a prescription for Viagra and sent us off.



Shocking what a strong erection can accomplish isn't it? He found his passion. But then he came to see that he actually had to put effort into to sustain his passion, and that was just too much effort for him.

He was in a pattern that was led by apathy and inactivity but his new job has given him a challenge that he feels confident about. That added confidence is blending into other areas of his life and now his activity level is compounding itself to create even more activity.

So what should you do?

How much resentment do you have?

What, ultimately, do you want?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

it almost 100% sounds like it is the Low T. Viagra can only work if there is sexual desire, with no desire, he will not even get hard. 

So get him to take testosterone! Explain to him just how important it is for you to have good sex in your marriage, and that if there is NO sex, then there will be NO MARRIAGE in the future and you will be leaving! i.e. knock him upside his head with some reality. 

Do not let him backslide, make SURE he takes his testosterone supplements. Add in some sexy lingerie on your part, and you should be back to ~normal sex levels again quickly.


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

Thank you anon pink for pointing out that the sexless came after months and months of one sided sex. 

I guess there were too many words in my first post for some posters and I need to clarify some things. I was rejected by him long before things shut down. So yes it was a marriage and labido killer. I was HD when we got married. I loved sex, I loved it with him, and was often as much the initiator. Anywhere...anytime. After a few years, things switched. He became self centered and only satisfied his own needs in the bedroom. After months of this behavior, my labido went into LD. It stayed there for a long time. It was easier to be numb than deal with the pain. We finally had the talk and I told him what happened. He re-prioritized me back into the bedroom and the HD kicked back in. He then ignored me for months. 

We were partners in every other way outside the bedroom. So as one poster accused me of getting my way about life decisions and he went along. Nope. For the most part we were usually on the same page with everything else. Our marriage was relatively comfortable and low drama in all other aspects. 

As far as some of the other posters, please re-read that we were dealing with low T and all the impacts it had. I think he was almost relieved in the no sex thing too. We both tend to be passive people and in hindsight we should have found a way to communicate about this instead of having this big white elephant in the room for years. I had no idea about low T problems and getting that information wasn't easy like now. We didn't have internet nor media coverage on the subject. The one time I got enough nerve to mention it to a friend, they presented me with a gift wrapped vibrator. I never brought it up again. 

On the other hand he knew. He had gone to a doctor. He had started T shots which he dropped after a few weeks. He never told me and that was his choice.


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

[B said:


> Talker67;15850625]it almost 100% sounds like it is the Low T. Viagra can only work if there is sexual desire, with no desire, he will not even get hard.
> 
> So get him to take testosterone! Explain to him just how important it is for you to have good sex in your marriage, and that if there is NO sex, then there will be NO MARRIAGE in the future and you will be leaving! i.e. knock him upside his head with some reality.
> 
> Do not let him backslide, make SURE he takes his testosterone supplements. Add in some sexy lingerie on your part, and you should be back to ~normal sex levels again quickly.[/B]


Thanks Talker67. Doctor won't help with replacement therapy. Even second opinion doctor said no. This is something he will have to do naturally which isn't something he has been willing to follow through on in the past. I have a drawer of the lingerie and repeatedly told him we don't have to have the big finish to enjoy sex. Flirting and play can be fun too. I came close to the ultimatum when I packed a bag to go visit my sister so he can decide if he wants to live alone but I never gave the full knock up the side of the head. 

He knows that one of the biggest thing he can do it lose weight and exercise which he has been reluctant. I was just curious to know if something like this new job could have ripple effect in low T. Like a new job were he needs have a more aggressive behavior could trigger just enough of an increase to then trigger these other behaviors like wanting to diet and exercise. Just curious.


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> So what should you do?
> 
> How much resentment do you have?
> 
> What, ultimately, do you want?


Excellent questions. 

I know my resentment mellowed a lot once I educated myself about low T and we had open conversations about it. Right now the only resentment I have is his follow thru. We know what the problem is and we know what needs to be done. He tells me he wants this change, I help in every way I can, and then he loses interest. I don't point the finger accusing him of leading me on or something because I know low drive is low drive and affects follow thru too. So I am trying really hard to keep that resentment in check.

What should I do? Don't know. Just for the moment trying to read the situation to figure that out.

What do I want? In a dream world for the whole situation to go away. But in reality, for hubby and I both to find peace within ourselves and a level of contentment in our relationship.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

The contentment thing...be careful there. That's allowing a planets worth of difference of opinion because he was probably content before, even though now he may look back and realize he might not have been as content as he thought he was.

That's why I asked what, ideally, ultimately do you want. You weren't content before were you? Maybe I should ask another way. What does contentment look like to you. Just your idea, not a compromised idea. Do you want sex on a certain or minimum level of passion? How often? What other kinds of things would you like to see him doing that communicate to you his love/desire/admiration for you? 

You should ask these questions of your husband too. Change is hard for some people, damn hard! It's easy to start, but it's hard to keep at it. (Ask me how many times I quit smoking before it finally stuck.There's a lesson in easy to start hard to keep at it) What does he need from you to keep at it?

Bottom line is your husband is not an idiot, probably.  He knows the steps he has to take. But does he know where he wants to be and does he know how he can keep himself on the track to get there?


On a side note... Add some lingerie? Most of the men here in SIM are unhappy in their sexless marriages and they simply cannot relate to a wife who wants sex when her husband doesn't. They picture this horrid skanky smelly thing for a wife who's husband isn't raring to go at the drop of a hat. I'm glad you didn't take that remark personally, even though it was damned insulting!


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## BBF (May 21, 2015)

Get another doc...if you're near a university affiliated medical center, check the endocrinology department and check the docs' credentials on line. Get a younger, or female doc. 

Low T is very subjective, and despite the blood test measurements, his case as you relate it is a classic. Also, many larger cities have "mens' clinics" where they'll do some tests, dose you and Rx you. 

I'm nearly 70 and knocking boots with my sweetie whenever she's home and when she's not drunk on her ass--usually means morning sex. I' ve been on Androgel for 4 years and during that time, dropped 40 pounds to 170, and from a 38 in waist to 33. I built some muscle by going to the gym 3-4X a week and am fitter now than when I was in my early 50s. Attitude's improved too. Is it all due to TRT? No, but I believe it's sure helped. Also, there are many different measurements, and some docs just look at or ask for tests on one. Free testosterone is the real marker.

Oh, I'm sure the mods won't let me use the name of the chemist in India that provides ED pills and other Rx at 1/10th the cost of the stuff here in the states, but you can do some research online. Or PM me. I've been using them for two years without incident and with good result. 

This seems obvious: If you take no for an answer, you'll not get what you want.


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

Thanks Anon Pink. I almost regretted using the contentment word as soon as I posted it because definitely hubby may be content with the way things are. He is a pretty smart cookie and knows what needs to be done why I took a backseat this last year. Harping wasn't going to go anywhere. 

Ultimate...When we are intimate I feel important and all the problems in the world disappear. When he wants to take care of me in the most intimate way possible I feel safe and protected. When I have that connection with him I can let go of all inhibitions and be my true self. When we are passionate, his touch makes me feel alive but calm that no one else's touch can do. When I look into his eyes and see that he wants me I feel a level of trust that reaches the deepest corners of my soul. When he flirts with me, laughs with me, plays with me, I feel all my stress just float away.

I don't need fireworks every time and I don't need a constant sex to be fulfilled. Once a week, a couple times a month, I just need to him to let me feel like I am the most important person in his life.


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## jarhed (Nov 11, 2012)

notmyrealname4 said:


> I think you're a trooper. You sure seem to work a lot. I hope your H's newfound interest in fitness is a byproduct of his new job situation. It would really be a sht sandwich, if after all you went through; he finally got sexed up for someone else.


I mentioned early THIS needs to be ruled out. Hello.


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

[B said:


> *notmyrealname4;15853937]Crazy how a few guys somehow saw this as you being the one refusing sex for years :-(
> 
> Now, if I understand correctly, the Viagra DID give your H an erection. If so, that means he does have desire, but his "plumbing" needs some assistance.
> 
> ...


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

The crappy thing about low T is that you lose the drive to do EVERYTHING, not just sex. Unfortunately that usually includes doing what it takes to reverse the problem. 

If he doesn't have the drive on his own to fix himself, you may have to present him with a more unpalatable alternative. 


Also you mentioned that 2 doctors shot him down for treatment. Not unusual for GP's. Are there any men's health clinics in your area he could try instead? They are generally not stingy with the testosterone prescriptions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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