# A Little Lonely



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

I am feeling a little lonely since I don't have a significant other in my life for the first time in many, many years. I am not used to it and it is hard not to share concerns and challenges with another person that is on your side and with you.

I look on match.com but just feel uninterested and I guess when the time is right it will happen. 

I am hopefully accepted in the LPN course given here but there seem to be a few obstacles and success with these obstacles doesn't guarantee entrance into the program. I have a pre- entrance exam that must be passed (brilliantly as possible) in order for them to consider my credentials.

I am still in marital home with X and it is very weird and, at times, a little painful. So this hasn't changed although I am out quite a bit.

I am still adjusting to the new and some days it is very exciting and on others lonely and others fearful.

What about you?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I am lucky to live in a town and be moving to a town where people are friendly. Even as a child I would go to the playground every day to meet friends and to make friends, and go to the library and saved my money to go to summer camp when my parents couldn't afford it. I liked the kids and families I babysat for. Occasionally I think well, nobody seeks me out. But you know what, I think everyone feels this way about themselves sometimes. 

Can you go to a cafe or even McDonald's or to the library to study for your pre-entrance exam? Some adult ed centers will have people who volunteer to help you study! 

I think the key is to be your own friend and to go to places that push your buttons. I put myself at the film theater and also got accepted to a comparative literature program and go to dance classes, these push my buttons and would hold my interest. Now I know some people do these things because they are lonely and want to meet people but I took myself to these places because I am genuinely interested in being there for myself. How cool is that when I got there, there were other people there who wanted to be there too! That's the best way to make friends, when people go to the places they need to be, like a fish stays in the water and a camel stays on land. Thye don't think too much about doing that, they just do it.

See, you are already going out a bit. After a while you will feel less like a fish out of water. I am a 'sitter' that is I go to places I feel comfortable and I 'sit' myself there, well sometimes sitting is metaphorical because there is an activity involved, basically it is staying power, like I actually BELONG where I am, because I have the intention of being there. Yesterday I sat on the dock while my kids swam. The place my kids love to go is fortunately one of my special places I shared with them, and they fell in love with it, without knowing I loved that place not most of all in my landscapes but it is up there in importance. 

I have my down days like recently. But mostly I feel okay being where I am and not expecting any permanency, you never know what is going on with people in their lives so it's not as though there is anybody out there who has got it all together waiting to be a best friend. it is one of those things that just happens, friends, because you were tooling along being your own friend and after a while you realize the same people are in the same places and all connected and these are your friends. When you trust yourself and are fully invested in what you are doing, other people will be drawn to you. Some people are not available for friendships, even people who seem to be connected and encapsulated in stress. Some days there are a lot of these people around, and it increases the loneliness. At times, I have thought, wow, I need some issues to complain about LOL so that I can engage in the going conversation. But then I am reading a book while sitting waiting for dance class and some people come along and the girl has a book so we discuss books and then driver's ed and then well, that is the start of knowing someone. Talking about ideas in books or movies or dance or even food, and how it makes you feel or them feel and then new ideas or information...some shared experiences. 

I think this is a natural human inclination, to form communities, and it is largely participatory but also innate. It is possible to overthink it and trip up. LOL. My dance instructor trips up when he thinks too much, it is cute. Sometimes when I am talking to someone who is going through a rough time with isolation, and I see them tripping up conversationally, I recognize that this is the way I feel too at times, and then when I find myself being that way, I extend the same kind of empathy and support to myself that I do to the people who are awkward. Some days it is easier to cut myself some slack and be self-supporting and caring to myself, other days I am like you, I come here to get encouragement. And reassurance that I am human and it is natural to feel that way at times. It is always going to feel that way, if you think about it probably you had times you felt that way even before you were old enough to have a marriage or even when you were in a good stage of a relationship. So it's best to accept it and recognize it and have empathy for yourself the same as you would for others.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Loneliness is normal after going from being in a marriage to... single.

Thing is, I don't think right now is the time to date. Because you are very vulnerable and freshly divorced as of last week. Why not spend some time alone, date yourself, find out where you went wrong in the marriage and fix it, also look at what your hub contributed that you didn't lke and wen you are ready to date again: seek someone that does the opposite of those behaviors. 

Time heals. It's not something you can rush.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

You are both right, I was on that damn pity pot. I hate it but guess what my realtor called and I have a cash offer on the house! I have to move out by August 17th. 

I do have one question, how come everything is happening so quickly: the EA discovery, separation/divorce (4 months) and now the house?

Like it was meant to be?

Weird. I have made friends and they're all going to help me pack. And I am not going to date and I go to IC and group and the library and have asked for help at college for math etc....No I get out it was just I wanted to share my aspirations but with this good news I don't need to now.

Thanks for your kind words once again!

So many things now, a new apartment/condo, school, friends. I am very lucky.

No pity pot now! It was just really hard having the X in your face.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> I do have one question, how come everything is happening so quickly: the EA discovery, separation/divorce (4 months) and now the house?
> 
> Like it was meant to be?


Old movie you should watch about a woman divorcee:

UNDER TUSCAN SUN

It stars Diane Lane (who isn't bad to look at) and even guys could identify with the heroine.

I don't mind a chick flick once in awhile.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Seen the movie and could I id with the siutation but she seemed to be financially stable and so that is where it stopped for me.

Things are always a little easier when you don't have to be concerned about money and that's where Hollywood glamorizes these "real life" situations. Then it becomes a fantasy.

Thanks for the referral.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Sparkles you are truly sparkling.
I'm envious you have friends to help you pack.
I am paying the baby sitter to come for the day to help.
But I like myself enough so I am enthusiastic about rolling up my sleeves and doing the best job I can to move myself on to the new place and trust that I will clean it thoroughly and make it the secure home I desire for myself and my children. Even though things are never secure for anyone it is a state of mind.

I never watched UNDER THE TUSCAN SUN as it seemed like some kind of angsty chick movie. I'm going to watch it due to the situational recommendation. I think as for the money part of it, sometimes in order to tell the part of the story that you want to highlight, you need to remove whatever murkiness you can in order to have literary license for the things you want people to pay attention to. Money and poverty and struggling are things that are very strong and scare people and get them thinking in a movie setting, about their own problems. Watching a movie is sometimes a two-way street, you have to accept some givens in order to get to the meat of the story, especially when there is only so much time to tell it. In the end, money doesn't have so much to do with attitude. Someone can be destitute by chance or extremely wealthy by chance but they still are going to have challenges in life and I don't think money makes it any easier, sometimes much more difficult and introduces doubt about choices by making trial and error too easy, hence many dead ends and much more murkiness rather than well thought out choices/actions/need for intuition. For me, I had to, at one point, overcome prejudice about money because often enough in my life I've had nothing but it seems I have had good friendships or had to be in situations with people who had a LOT, and I do mean a LOT, and to deal with them, either soaking in the goodness they had to offer, or having to have inevitable showdowns with them. I try hard to be dollar-resistant in my dealings with people.

Last night I was offered a job by someone in an industry I've considered working in before, I told him I could only work part-time as I was busy with scholarship studies and other work that was either committed or enjoyable, and he seemed upset and told me that it's 'rough out there'. Well, it's not so rough that I am going to work for someone who struck me as a lech. Still, maybe I am just offended or overly sensitive. I am going to research the guy and his business, because he did make a point of finding out what all the ladies did for work so it's possible he is seriously recruiting, I had no idea one of my young female student companions was studying chemical engineering (LOL) until he mentioned it to me. I'm not that surprised. Anyway, if the guy checks out I'll send him my resume because I will need work next summer and can do part-time ad-hoc work during the school year, executive assistant thinking right hand 'man' kind of stuff. However, I have to overcome my knee-jerk reaction that I am being 'bought' for looks and lech-stuff rather than my skills and presentation. Maybe we shoudl start a thread about economic psychology and empowerment of women. I like the teachings of Annabel Beerel. I went to one of her seminars once, Women and Power. I had some revelations about myself. Just sorry I didn't trust my gut.

I will start a thread. 

But you stick to your guns. I think your finances will be just fine. So do you have any ideas about where you are moving??????

Will you move close to the school program you are going to do or is that not a sure thing yet?


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

home: school will be about 15 miles one way so I have to consider quick route= gas consumption. I am going to rent here one year and concentrate on school. Perhaps 6 months into program, I can find a job with local hospital part time and a foot in the door. I shall see. 

I am very lucky to have a cash offer. The inspector comes on Tuesday and after that it will be serious and seriously looking for a place. But I am actually doing that now. 

I have to take what is supposed to be a difficult entrance exam into the program and even with very nice grade you may not be accepted so I have made an appt for an alternate private company for Tuesday (more expensive more gas) 16 months long but it starts in October so they are both equal on the back end.

Very exciting stuff.

I know what you mean about looks and suspicion. It happened to me quite a bit and when I was very young I didn't even realize it. Now I use it to get the position that I know I am qualified for and the walls are erected. In this sad, mad world you must use your gifts to a certain point, of course.

The world is changing. It will be a woman's domain soon, 50 years. It is happening. Men are becoming the weaker sex. They are being pushed out slowly but surely. Look at unemployment, a great many are men. Is this fair? No. It wasn't fair to women either. Law of the strongest.


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