# Can my husband be trusted



## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

Hello and thanks for clicking on my thread.

I am struggling to trust my husband and I could use some advice as to whether things are in my head or my feelings are justified.

When I met my husband we fell in love pretty soon and it was very intense, I had been hurt in the past and he was so caring and understanding and put my me at ease and I gave him all my trust.

However, he was due to go on holiday one which was planned before we met. So off he went and after a week of him being there I stopped hearing from him, which was vey unusual as he always made sure to call and text anytime we were apart and he had remained in contact for the first week of his holiday and now he wasn't contacting me at all. Due to my past in being hurt before this made me get an uneasy feeling and I felt maybe he was with someone else.

When he was due home he got in touch and I tried to put my worries aside and try to convince myself he was just enjoying his holiday.

So he gets back and everything's good, however, I get a text late in the evening and he demands to know who it's from and starts being so paranoid and jealous (feelings he's never displayed before as he's always trusted me) I show him the message is from my best friend who's on a bit of a disastrous date. He apologies and we to to sleep. But the next day I feel uneasy, I get a gutt feeling his accusations are due to a guilty conscience. 

I then notice a change with him via social media, prior to his holiday he was always putting cute little stats up about me, or leaving me cute little comments and so on, and now he isn't interacting with me at all via social media. He uploads some holiday snaps, I leave some funny little comments underneath, usually he would write back with a funny come back but there was nothing. He was basically just ignoring me but he was replying to other people.

Then all of a sudden I get notifications from a girl I don't recognise (she's liking my comments, things I tagged him in from months prior, so obviously looking through his profile) I click on her page and she is from the town he went for his vacation.

So my heart sinks, I just know he has cheated with her and this is her way of letting me know about her without upsetting him by telling me directly.

I try and be subtle by saying things like if you cheated on me and kept it from me i'd never forgive you but if you were honest with me there might be a chance I'd forgive you, I said this hoping he'd come clean, he didn't. So I confronted him and told him I knew and he called me crazy said it was all in my head due to my past and I'm acting crazy and he yelled at me. 

I knew I was right, I had that gutt feeling so I asked the notification girl and she confirmed it. When I confronted him he told me he had made a a massive mistake and begged me to forgive him, I broke up with him and he done everything to get me back. He told me it was the worst mistake, he broke down and I decided to give him one last shot.

The year that followed he did everything he could to make it up to me and earn my trust and I forgave him as I do believe some people are capable of change. Then we got married, at that time I felt so happy.

Then after a few years of marriage I discover something which devastated me, that back when he returned from his vacation he stayed in contact with this other girl, he would Skype with her each day when I was at work or wherever, they exchanged multiple messages, saying they had feelings for one another, he even sent her links to several love songs on you tube. I then found out that before he came home he went to a jewellers and bought her some expensive personsonalsied jewellery which was very personal to them. He even went as far as to show her profile to all his friends as if to brag about her. All this broke my heart as he had always maintained it was a meaningless holiday fling but back when it happened he swore blind to me it was just a one night thing, I never knew anything about feelings and that he would never have cut contact if he wasn't caught.

So I confronted him about all this and he just refused to talk about it, said its in the past, that's where it should stay. I say I deserve honesty and I want to hear it directly from him and not a third party. He then gets very angry and starts yelling saying I'm bringing up the past and he then storms out.

We talk about it another few times and each time when I confront him with this information he blows a gasket and refuses to talk about it.

I am so hurt because I feel as if we married on false grounds and if I'd known the extent of his infedelity I would never have married him. I feel he not only cheated but didn't give me truth I deserved and the year before the marriage was all just done out of guilt because he knew he was still keeping things from me.

So here's the part that is making me really question my marriage, my husband set up a LinkedIn, he never told me about it until I mentioned I was thinking of setting on up he then said "oh I have one" so on his linked in I discover her has a few girls who work in bars and so on, not exactly anyone who's going to be a good contact to further my husbands career as he's an engineer. I then discover his ex girlfriend is one of his connections, to which I'm furious, as he's only had the LinkedIn account a short while and it was set up after we were married, so I feel no ex should be on this.

I confront him and he says "LinkedIn must automatically add them." Which I know to be BS, he says it automatically adds people who've been in your email list.

I'm finding this very difficult to deal with because I just don't know if I'm being lied to again and if I can trust him.

Can anyone offer my any advice or have some input on this? It would help me out a lot, I'm stuck.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Annulment.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Never marry a cheater. He showed you who he was BEFORE you married him.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

I genuinely believed he had changed though 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

You have already given him one chance. He doesn't deserve another. File for divorce and be done with him once and for all. He has showed you who and what he is. Believe him.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

LinkedIn does not automatically add contacts. Not only is he lying to you, he thinks you are dumb enough to believe him.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

Hi karaole,

Thank you for the advise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

I knew that and I didn't need believe it for one second even though I don't use LinkedIn. 

He then said he didn't know she was one of his connections as it doesn't work like Facebook with people popping up on your feed and so on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

He knew she was a connection, he is still lying to you.

Get out of this marriage or you will deal with this kind of stuff the rest of your life. He has no remorse what so ever and he is bullying you to believe his lies.

He will never change, his lies will get worse also get yourself tested for STD's


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Loveontherocks said:


> Hello and thanks for clicking on my thread.
> 
> I am struggling to trust my husband and I could use some advise as to whether things are in my head or my feelings are justified.
> 
> ...


Desperation is the *worst* thing someone can be when trying to reconcile. What is worst is that you bought into it. His denial was a prelude to this. It was one extreme to another.



> The following year he did everything he could to make it up to me and earn my trust and we married, I was so happy at this point because I do believe some people are capable of change.
> 
> Now after s few months of marriage I discover something which devastated me, that when he returned from his vacation he stayed in contact with this other girl, he would Skype with her each day when I was at work or wherever


So his intentions were to have a relationship with her.



> , they exchanged multiple messages, saying they had feelings for one another, he even sent her links to several love songs on you tube. I then found out that before he came home he went to a jewellers and bought her some expensive personsonalsied jewellery which was very personal to them. He even went as far as to show her profile to all his friends as if to brag about her. All this broke my heart as he had always maintained it was a meaningless holiday fling.


What does your brain say?



> So I confronted him about all this and he just refused to talk about it, said its in the past, that's where it should stay. I tell him I deserve honesty and I want to hear it directly from him and not a third party. He then gets *very angry *and *starts yelling *saying I'm bringing up the past and he then storms out.



In relationships, we have a thing called disclosure. You disclose, hash things out and then move on. I don't see evidence of a true apology, nor did he fully disclose. 

Basically, he is trying to create a very high cost for you to pursue his lies.



> We talk about it another few times and each time when I confront him with this information he blows a gasket and refuses to talk about it.
> 
> I am so hurt because I feel as if we married on false grounds and if I'd have known the extent of his infedelity I would never have married him. I feel he not only cheated but didn't give me truth I deserved and the year before the marriage was all just done out of guilt because he knew he was still keeping things from me.
> 
> ...


You don't know what else he has done and most likely you won't ever know.

I advise individuals to work towards a full relationship. That entails a lot of things. What it means is that it is practically impossible for you to achieve a full relationship, unless you get the basics down. There are no excuses. If he refuses to comply, then he is choosing to not give you what every woman deserves. You can choose to cope, or let him go in the direction that he has already put his shoes.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

Of course he knew she was a connection, he actually thought I'd believe that BS! I just feel so frustrated that I've wasted time with this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

Hi relationship teacher,

My brain tells me it's doomed and I'm a fool for marrying him at all.

I think his denial and further lies are fuelling my frustration so much more, and I feel so low right now, and am developing huge insecurities as a direct result of this.

and you're right, we can't get the basics down. Once the trust is gone there's usually no going back to how it was.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Unfortunately, taking the lying cheater back after the first time you caught him was your biggest mistake.

The good news is that you don't have any kids with him so you can make a clean break once all the legalities are taken care of. That's a blessing.

Stay with this guy and you're going to live a lifetime of lies, deceit, and heartache. :frown2:


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

To answer your question...no. 
You are only a few months in, you should be completely absorbed in each other... in the honeymoon stage. 
Too many flags. You caught him once by following g your gut and instincts and now have the same fears.
As others have said you are early on the marriage with no kids.
Who would want to live their whole life wondering what he is doing and who he is talking to.
Having said that if you wanted to try to make it work you'd both have to do marriage counseling. But you have to decide if you'd be happy staying with him.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

Hi Loveontherocks

I had a very similar experience to you except that I only found out about my husband continuing to have a relationship with his "fling" (during the year we were engaged and first married) a year later after we had had our first child. By that time, the affair had died a natural death. I was devastated when I found out and wanted to get divorced, but because we had a child, it was much harder to leave him.

But 10 years later, he has had another affair. We are trying to reconcile now. I do still love him, but have finally started to realise that expecting fidelity from my partner is really not unreasonable. Do I hope to stay married to him? Yes. Am I certain that I can? No. What I do know now is that my marriage (real or imagined) that I thought that I had is dead. I need to decide, for me and my children, whether I am willing to try and make a new one with a man that I have to learn to trust ... again. He is willing to do anything to get that chance. He has acknowledged that what he did is wrong in a way that he hadn’t previously and that there is no reason that makes what he did excusable in any way. (This is a big step forward from what happened after the first time.) 

So why have I told you all this? Finding out that my husband lied to me and deliberately misled me hurts more than anything else that I have ever experienced. The fact that it happened around the beginning of our marriage somehow makes it worse. Why did he even bother to marry me then? 

But I handled things wrong the first time. (I'd have preferred not to have a second time to compare it against, but so be it.) I let him get away with not confronting what he had done and why. What it actually meant for us. If I could go back, I'd insist on total honesty and I would have ended my marriage to get it. 

You are married to a deeply flawed human being. He has serious issues around trust, intimacy and commitment. But he is a package deal, and alongside these issues come the other things - the reasons why you married him in the first place. And none of us is perfect. Are you willing to work through his issues with him? Are you willing to force him into a situation where he has to confront himself and what he did to you? And are you willing to walk away from him if he doesn't? If he is still in a place where he says that this happened in the past, then he is not acknowledging the hurt to you in the present. If he cannot see that your mistrust around his LinkedIn profile is entirely warranted because of his past behaviour (even if he hasn’t done anything overtly wrong since you got married), then he has not actually faced up to what he did.

All the feedback that you have gotten here at TAM says that you are completely right in feeling hurt, frustrated and distrustful. Does your husband know that, as far as you are concerned, this means the end for you and him if the situation doesn’t change? I don’t usually like ultimatums, but sometimes I think that they are the only way to shock someone into reality. 

Holding thumbs for you, whatever your decision.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I so dislike the word "fling" however accurately descriptive it is... it does literally throw away self-respect along with the respect of a relationship, and if even for a short time the damage can be irreparable.

Some can change and be better, all deserve the opportunity to do so, but in the end and often when people show you who they are... especially in their commitment to be true in marriage, believe them.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

You haven't been married long and he's already cheating. This is still the honeymoon phase and yet he can't keep it in his pants when he's not around you? Not a good sign. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. Get out. It's not going to get better unfortunately. If you stay with him, he'll just get better at hiding it from you.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Loveontherocks said:


> I genuinely believed he had changed though
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You were wrong. Admit it. Accept it. Right your wrong and proceed with your life without him.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

Hi shesstillgotit

That is the one thing I am most thankful for. 

I can walk away and there's no kids to hold me back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Am I missing something? He had a vacation planned before he met you, but you met and got married all in the time before he left on this vacation?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> LinkedIn does not automatically add contacts. Not only is he lying to you, he thinks you are dumb enough to believe him.


Well, it_ sort of_ does this, as it asks for your permission to trawl through your email contacts to hunt down suitable Linkedin followers.

But, guess what, @Loveontherocks? That doesn't matter, because your husbands *is* almost certainly cheating on you.

Lawyer up and get out of this marriage as quickly and as comfortably as you can.

So very sorry to be the bearer of such bad news.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Loveontherocks said:


> I knew that and I didn't need believe it for one second even though I don't use LinkedIn.
> 
> He then said he didn't know she was one of his connections as it doesn't work like Facebook with people popping up on your feed and so on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 @Loveontherocks He is lying, as that is pretty much how it works.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

Hi @missbak

Thank you for sharing your experience with me and I'm sorry for your suffering, I know how you must be feeling and I hope you and you husband work it out and he makes the changes needed to be the husband you deserve.

I do feel like you, why did he marry me? I feel as if it was based on a lie and shouldn't have taken place, I also am to blame as I shouldn't have married him but I believed he had changed.

He doesn't acknowledge any hurt it may be causing me now, he says I should try and deal with it better and try and move on, that's easier said than done.

Part of me wants to save my marriage but if I'm in for a lifetime of this I know it's not the future I want. 

The LinkedIn account is playing on my mind because he is lying to me over it, oh I didn't add her, I didn't know she was there. I feel like he thinks I'm some kind of moron who doesn't know a liar when I see one.

I would go to counselling to save my marriage if I thought the indedelity before the marriage was the only time but I think he's keeping things from me now. 

Again, thank you for the advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

You're right, I agree but he's trying to fool me as I don't use it. @MattMatt
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

@MattMatt but don't you have to then choose which ones you want to connect with? If you have knowledge of how it works I'd greatly appreciate your input on it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

@Herscel, yes, we didn't marry before the vacation, we married a year after the vacation. I did mention that in my original thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Loveontherocks said:


> @MattMatt but don't you have to then choose which ones you want to connect with? If you have knowledge of how it works I'd greatly appreciate your input on it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I seem to recall that it automatically sends out invitations but that you have to then confirm it.

It's a while since I set up my account.

But he is still cheating on you, anyhow.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

@cirygirl4344

Hi, I didn't put in my original threat how long we've been married, we've actaully been married 3 years, sorry for leaving that out.

I have thought about counselling and I think we could explore that before ending our marriage, however, I know for me that I don't trust him one bit and I worry that counselling won't change that:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> I so dislike the word "fling" however accurately descriptive it is... it does literally throw away self-respect along with the respect of a relationship, and if even for a short time the damage can be irreparable.
> 
> Some can change and be better, all deserve the opportunity to do so, but in the end and often when people show you who they are... especially in their commitment to be true in marriage, believe them.


I agree with all of this, i believe people can change as I've seen it happen but with him I just don't think it can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

@MattMatt that's exactly how I thought it worked. And how can you have connections and not realise you have them, I don't believe that for one second. He says it doesn't come up when connections have became friends with others and so on so it's very easy to not realise who is actaully connected with you sometimes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

No, he cannot be trusted. He showed you that before you ever got married, you should have believed him then. You need to end this marriage, unless you enjoy the horrible stressed out feeling of being cheated on, because this is what you will be dealing with forever.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> No, he cannot be trusted. He showed you that before you ever got married, you should have believed him then. You need to end this marriage, unless you enjoy the horrible stressed out feeling of being cheated on, because this is what you will be dealing with forever.


I know he did but I am too forgiving and always give others a second chance. I've seen people change and hoped this would happen with him, unfortunately he is giving me reasons to doubt him and I am contemplating leaving.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

Loveontherocks said:


> I knew that and I didn't need believe it for one second even though I don't use LinkedIn.
> 
> He then said he didn't know she was one of his connections as it doesn't work like Facebook with people popping up on your feed and so on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The title of your thread: "Can my husband be trusted". 

You are asking if he is trustworthy and yet you say that you don't believe him.

So you already answered your own question, did you not?


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

So you already answered your own question, did you not?[/QUOTE]

I guess I did and I suppose part of me realises he can't be trusted but was hoping maybe I'm wrong as I hate being made a fool of.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Loveontherocks said:


> I genuinely believed he had changed though
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is what you want to believe, I know honey, been there done that. If he is doing this before and in the early stages of your marriage, it is not going to get better, when you are with kids, more responsibilities, your body has changed due to child bearing, etc. The future does not look good, you are setting yourself up for years of misery. Dump his ass now when you have the chance. Tell him you know he has lied for most of your marriage and you are out. he will beg and plead, etc that is what cheaters do but don't let the door hit you on the way out love. You deserve more than this, much more.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Loveontherocks said:


> So you already answered your own question, did you not?


I guess I did and I suppose part of me realises he can't be trusted but was hoping maybe I'm wrong as I hate being made a fool of.
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

You will only be a fool if you stay. You are a good hearted, trusting person, and are giving to the wrong person.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Loveontherocks said:


> So you already answered your own question, did you not?


I guess I did and I suppose part of me realises he can't be trusted but was hoping maybe I'm wrong as I hate being made a fool of.
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]
@Loveontherocks he has not made a fool out of you.
*
He has, however, made a fool out of himself.*

Or as my wife's late friend who was born not far from Dublin would have put it: "He's nothing but a fecking eejit and a total gobsh*ite!"

And "What a little bolix he is!"


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

@aine you are right and deep down I know I'm just trying to kid myself.

If he cheated and then never gave me a single reason to doubt him again that would be fine but I still think he's overstepping the boundaries of marriage.

I haven't caught him physically cheating since we have been married but that's not to say he hasn't, maybe he's just got better at hiding it. 

Thanks for the advise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

@MattMatt I actually laughed at the end of that message. That's my pet name for him 😂 

Yeah, he is a fool because I know he does love me but I won't put up with any of this. I want to live a normal happy life and this is far from happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

@3Xnocharm thanks for the kind message. I am a good person and always try to believe in people but I have wasted time with him.

My only worry is that he hasn't psychically cheated since we've been married (that I know of) and I am kind of torn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Loveontherocks said:


> @MattMatt I actually laughed at the end of that message. That's my pet name for him &#55357;&#56834;
> 
> Yeah, he is a fool because I know he does love me but I won't put up with any of this. I want to live a normal happy life and this is far from happy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Glad I was able to make you laugh, at least. 

Here is a list of reasons why you should stay with him:-

1) Oh....
2) Ummmm....
3) _Sigh!!!_
4) Errr... That's it!

Oh, yes. And he loves you. 

But is his love enough?


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

@MattMatt

Again I laughed 😂

Love isn't enough, I think a couple have to treat each other wish respect and kindness and I believe he totally lacks in the department. 

I just wish I didn't have to live with him because right now moving out isn't an option.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Loveontherocks said:


> @3Xnocharm thanks for the kind message. I am a good person and always try to believe in people but I have wasted time with him.
> 
> *My only worry is that he hasn't psychically cheated since we've been married (that I know of) and I am kind of torn.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


THIS is your only worry?? Sooo, you're cool with emotional cheating? You're ok if he is flirting, sexting, video chatting, masturbating with someone online or over the phone? Maybe even falling in love and saying how much they love each other and cant wait to be together? As long as they cant touch each other, you're good? 




Loveontherocks said:


> @MattMatt
> 
> Again I laughed 😂
> 
> ...


OF COURSE its an option, its ALWAYS an option! You just have to make the effort instead of an excuse. There is always always a way.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Loveontherocks said:


> Can anyone offer my any advice or have some input on this? It would help me out a lot, I'm stuck.


I don't know what you want us to say? Your situation can't be fixed. You need to start ACCEPTING a few things.

Not only is he a serial cheat but he also keeps side piece orbiters around. This tells me he NEVER plans to stop cheating on you. Why is that?

Because he wants a contingency plan ready in case you muster the courage to dump him after catching him for umpteenth time.

This guy is clearly very experienced at betrayal and has played you for a fool. He ONLY cares about himself. You have two choices:

1) CONTINUE to be cheated on, having your heart ripped out, and possibly catching a few STDs along the way.

2) DUMP HIM. File for an annulment, get the hell away from him, and go no contact FOREVER.

There is no magic fix to change him to a respectable man. He's trash. It's genetically programmed into him. ACCEPT THAT.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> THIS is your only worry?? Sooo, you're cool with emotional cheating? You're ok if he is flirting, sexting, video chatting, masturbating with someone online or over the phone? Maybe even falling in love and saying how much they love each other and cant wait to be together? As long as they cant touch each other, you're good?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Unless there are very good financial or legal reasons as to why a move is not doable?

OK, @Loveontherocks you know the reason/s why you cannot move out at the moment.


I want you to compose two lists for real this time.

List 1 will contain all the reasons why you cannot move out.

List 2 will contain a list of possible ways to counter the points in list 1.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@Loveontherocks
You're Irish too? Yay!!  

Oh I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. 
The fact that he contacted the OW after the holiday, terrible behaviour. 

I wonder if he can change? The statistics are not looking good, but you know him best. 

I too have had my share of my husband going on "lads trips" but I put my foot down and he stopped going. Is there any way to put your foot down with him? 

No wonder the decision of divorce is a tough one for you. 
Should you decide to file, know that you have to be legally separated for 4 years before the actual divorce is granted. 
You can do this in the home you are currently living in. 
But there is some red tape around reconciliation, if your husband can prove that you reconciled, the judge may NOT grant you a divorce. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

@3Xnocharm

No way am I cool with any of that, I wouldn't tolerate that. He hasn't been caught messaging or calling anyone since the one time I know about. I've checked numberous times and found nothing.

I think he added people (his ex) as he was interested in seeing what's she's up to and so on but knew he couldn't do it via social media as I would know.

Right now there's not an option for me to move out as all my money is tied up in the house and at the moment I am unemployed due to an illness. So it's quite difficult for me to up and leave and I can't legally just throw him out....I've tried.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

Hi @MrsAldi

Yes Irish too 🇮🇪  

Yes, I can put my foot down and he does do things when he's asked to do them, like when I saw the ex on his LinkedIn be immediately removed her.

When I found out about the OW he blocked her on everything and never spoke to her again. But you're right, him keeping in touch hurt me more than the actual cheating itself, because he was home with me and still communicating.

Thanks for the advise, I will look into it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

&MattMatt



List 1; financial reasons are primarily my concern. I've been diagnosed with depression and PTSD, due to my illnesses I lost my job .

I love my home and due to my Inness I get anxious and frightened at possible change, I am very frightened of taking the plunge and leaving as its better the devil you know that the devil you don't. 



And I know I have trust issues with my husband but emotionally he is always there for me, he will drop everything when in having a bad day and do everything to try to cheer me up. So I rely on that support as I don't have it with anyone else right now as due to my depression I have cut myself off from everyone and am very reclusive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

> So I rely on that support as I don't have it with anyone else right now as due to my depression I have cut myself off from everyone and am very reclusive.


Very sorry to hear about everything that you've gone through. 
Know that you have us here for support anytime.  



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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

@MrsAldi

Thanks so much for your kindness, it means a lot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

OP, yes people can change but it takes hard work for a long time, generally with IC or spiritual conviction. Meeting a different person doesn't make it happen generally. 

Also even if he didn't cheat why would you settle for a husband who treats you like this? You know there are many better people out there, just because you haven't found one doesn't mean you won't.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Loveontherocks So sorry to hear of your illness and your PTSD and what happened with your business.

I agree with you. Sitting tight is probably the best option at least for the present time.

Mind you, you can visit the Off Topic section of the site and have a bit of fun.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> @Loveontherocks
> Mind you, you can visit the Off Topic section of the site and have a bit of fun.


Yes, the Social Spot is great. 
Lots of laughs, pictures of cute pets, food etc

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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MrsAldi said:


> Yes, the Social Spot is great.
> Lots of laughs, pictures of cute pets, food etc
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


Sometimes we have people laughing at cute pets eating food!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Loveontherocks said:


> &MattMatt
> 
> List 1; financial reasons are primarily my concern. I've been diagnosed with depression and PTSD, due to my illnesses I lost my business and was forced to sell, all my money and savings were tied up in the morgtage. When I sold my business I made a loss on it, and the money from it I am using to live on at the moment as I have no income.
> 
> ...


How did your depression and PTSD arise? Just asking because all too often people in stressful marriages, where they are always anxious about what their spouse might be doing in terms of fidelity can result in PTSD. If this is the case, you are better of without him and can get healthy without him in your life.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

@aine my marriage wasn't the cause of my PTSD and depression, I had these illnesses prior to meeting my husband. They are the result of a very abusive relationship.

But I was getting treatment and help and my symptoms wer calming down and becoming less frequent but now they are affecting me quite frequently again.
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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

@MattMatt thanks the nice comments. I am seeing a counsellor at the moment which is really helping and my PTSD is really calming down, it's nowhere near as bad as it was before, I'm managing it quite well.

i must check it out  I'm not all doom and gloom lol I actaully enjoy a laugh and having a bit of "Craic" did your wife's Irish friend teach you that one lol
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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

@sokillme you're right and I think I could do better, it's just believing in myself and realising that.

My issue is self confidence, I have zero confidence right now. I was with an abusive partner for 8 years who abused me in every way imaginable and cheated all the time.

So when I finally left him I trusted no man, rarely let anyone close and then my husband changed my mind, was so caring and understanding that I wanted to take things slowly and get to know him first before getting serious. So when he too cheated on me it cut like a knife, I had only just gotten back on my feet from my past relationship and was confirdent and outgoing again and then it all went back to square one again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

@MrsAldi must check it out, I love pets. Have a dog, he's literally my bestie lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Loveontherocks said:


> @sokillme you're right and I think I could do better, it's just believing in myself and realising that.
> 
> My issue is self confidence, I have zero confidence right now. I was with an abusive partner for 8 years who abused me in every way imaginable and cheated all the time.
> 
> ...


So you my friend should work on your confidence. The way to do that is to concentrate on things other then your marriage for the time being. Get your confidence back to a place where you can move on.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

@sokillme that's exactly what I plan on doing. I am seeing a counsellor and I feel that I am improving. It's only been a few weeks of counselling but after a bit more time hopefully I'll get to where I need to be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Loveontherocks said:


> @MattMatt thanks the nice comments. I am seeing a counsellor at the moment which is really helping and my PTSD is really calming down, it's nowhere near as bad as it was before, I'm managing it quite well.
> 
> i must check it out  I'm not all doom and gloom lol I actaully enjoy a laugh and having a bit of "Craic" did your wife's Irish friend teach you that one lol
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh, yes, that was taught and acted on @Loveontherocks!

The only problem was her Irish coffee. Her recipe was the reverse of everyone else. instead of 4 parts coffee to 2 parts Irish whiskey it was 4 parts Irish whiskey to 2 part coffee!


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

@MattMatt sounds like a good technique to me lol She sounds like a woman after my own heart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Loveontherocks said:


> @aine my marriage wasn't the cause of my PTSD and depression, I had these illnesses prior to meeting my husband. They are the result of a very abusive relationship.
> 
> But I was getting treatment and help and my symptoms wer calming down and becoming less frequent but now they are affecting me quite frequently again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your picker may well be the problem. You pick men who mistreat you. You may well have trust issues arising from your past relationship but tbh, from what you have told us so far, your current H doesn't sound very trustworthy.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

aine said:


> Your picker may well be the problem. You pick men who mistreat you. You may well have trust issues arising from your past relationship but tbh, from what you have told us so far, your current H doesn't sound very trustworthy.




You're quite right, I have picked badly, but in my defence I was just a kid when I met my previous partner and didn't have a clue, I mistook his jealousy and possessiveness as feelings of how much he must care about me. When he couldn't stand anyone else looking at me....my young naive head I found it flattering. 

And when I was old enough to realise the truth I was in too deep and he was abusing me, I lost every ounce of confidence I had and thought I could do no better. 


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

@PandyaPathak he already had his second chance...there will be no more:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Loveontherocks said:


> I genuinely believed he had changed though
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Of course you did.

That's why he seduced you. To be his trophy wife he keeps at home while he goes out and screws everyone on wheels.

I can name a dozen men like that in my OWN life.

You, unfortunately, were too naive to think for yourself.

And here you are.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Loveontherocks said:


> I do feel like you, why did he marry me? I feel as if it was based on a lie and shouldn't have taken place


For the same reason my ex-fiance tried to marry me. To have a 'female body' at home, ready and waiting, who is willing to be his cook/maid/mother/hooker while he goes out and pursues as many 'skirts' as will have him. Unfortunately, I can name a dozen men I know personally who believe this is the 'way' men behave.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Loveontherocks said:


> I know he did but I am too forgiving and always give others a second chance.


Nothing wrong with that.

Have you given him a THIRD chance?


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

@turnera I wouldn't say I was naive, I was in love and he was for the most part very good to me. 

The whole cook/maid thing just doesn't fly with me, he does his fair share of everything and it's always been that way, he's capable of cooking and cleaning so some days I'll do it and some days he will. 

The thing is right now I don't care if he is pursuing skirts because I can feel myself tiring of him and once I'm done I'm done, I am quite a forgiving person but there comes a point I just crack and shut a person out and move on, and I feel it's heading that way with my husband. I am just sick of him. 


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Loveontherocks said:


> @turnera I wouldn't say I was naive, I was in love and he was for the most part very good to me.
> 
> The whole cook/maid thing just doesn't fly with me, he does his fair share of everything and it's always been that way, he's capable of cooking and cleaning so some days I'll do it and some days he will.
> 
> ...


You didn't elaborate on WHAT rules you now have in place to prove he is no longer cheating. You didn't say HOW this cheating was worse than you thought. You didn't say how you made him make up for it, what rules are in place, how you are now MONITORING him, and how he is now PROVING to you that he will no longer cheat.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

turnera said:


> You didn't elaborate on WHAT rules you now have in place to prove he is no longer cheating. You didn't say HOW this cheating was worse than you thought. You didn't say how you made him make up for it, what rules are in place, how you are now MONITORING him, and how he is now PROVING to you that he will no longer cheat.




Well, I now have all the passwords to his accounts so can check them.

I regularly check his phone and he isn't allowed to communicate with females unless it's regarding work and even then I will monitor his conversations.

Sure he can be polite if In public a female speaks to him at the checkout or one of the neighbours say hello but regarding actually engaging in conversation with females we don't know, that's not allowed.

That's basically as far as we've got so far but right now I know he's not cheating, anything he's ever done I've caught him out, I sense when something's not quite right and right now I think he's being faithful. 

And I feel my post pretty much explains HOW it was worse than I thought, for for years I was lead to believe it was meaningless, just a one night thing when in fact it was more than that....he purchased her jewellery which he had personalised, he remained in contact for weeks after he was home, would call each other daily, send constant messages, they sent each other loves songs and there were some feelings involved.....NOT THE MEANINGLESS ONE NIGHT FLING I THOUGHT IT WAS.
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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So it was a real affair, not just a booty call. Ok. So here's what else you need:

He needs to write her a No Contact letter that YOU will ok and send for him, telling her that he has chosen to focus on his wife and family and will never contact her again. If he won't do that, move on.

He needs to find and arrange for a therapist that you will both go to; you two need to discuss in depth, in front of a professional, why he thought it was ok to do this TO you. Yes, TO you. Until he can wrap his brain around the fact that it was an act of war on you, you can expect him to cheat again.

He needs to be changing what your marriage looks like. It's not enough to just 'stop talking' to women. He has to engage in your marriage, put aside time to be with you (10-15 hours each week), rekindle the feelings, show you that he puts you first. Let him know that you expect that from him, especially now. If he refuses, move on.

He must agree that it will take you as long as it takes you to get over it, and if he ever just says something like 'why can't you just get over it,' you WILL be moving on. Because he doesn't get it.

And, unless your parents are psychos, he must go to both sets of parents, HIS parents at the very least, and tell them what he has done. Look them in the eyes and tell them what he did to you, that he is sorry, and that he will never do it again. In all my years giving advice, I can think of nothing more likely to stop them from cheating again than to look their folks in the eyes and admit what they did. 

Are you willing to set up some boundaries like this?


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

@turnera he hasn't ever been in contact with the OW since the affair ended, four years ago, he blocked her on all forms of contact and changed his number, so they've not had any contact since. I told him that's what he needed to do back then and he did it. 

We have went to MC and I feel it's something we will continue to do, I also feels he needs some IC for himself.

I'm willing to do anything but if he doesn't start to change then I will leave, I don't want to live my life out like this. 


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