# Forbidden Love



## JPJ1206 (Jan 15, 2015)

I am coming here because I have exhausted my friends and family with my story and sadness. 

*Me:*

I am a 28 year old man living in New York City with a good job and I am a good person. I have a good family who support me in my decision and a great relationship with my Fiance. We love each other very much and know that a marriage is work and we both wish to marry. However....

*The full story:*

I was once a 19 year old boy who met a girl and dated her for a summer. She left NYC and went back to her hometown. I wanted to continue dating (she is Indian-Sikh) and her parents were very conservative so they forced us to agree to get married if we wanted to see each other. We both agreed at the time. As time went on she moved to NYC and we started living together and getting to know each other better. It was 4 years in (I was 23) and a month out from the wedding. We had a terrible relationship and decided that we had to not go through with the wedding so we told our parents. I had also started realizing that I was having feelings for someone else at this point. We ended the engagement and she went and told everyone it was ALL because of another girl I had feelings for (who had family ties to her family and was from the same community). 

But it wasn't ALL because of her, our relationship had soured a year or so before that. At the time the other girl denied any feelings towards me to her parents because there was no use in bringing it up at that point without knowing if we had a real future since they were just minor feelings or even a crush.

4 years have gone by since and that girl who I had feelings for at the time and I have fallen hard in love. We always knew it would be hard for it to work so we even tried to separate during the past years a 2 times for very short periods--but we have something special and just always came back to each other. 

In November I proposed and she said yes. (Her parents for the last 4 years have heard rumors about us dating but neither her or them has brought it up). Recently she got the courage to tell them (2 weeks ago), and they have since freaked out. At first they were disappointing but at the least thought about options and seemed semi-agreeable. At this point I guess after speaking to their relatives (who are friends in part of the same community as my former girlfriend) they have 180'ed and told her it's either them or me. Her mom even had chest pains and went to the hospital one day when my fiance was on her way home (it turned out to be heartburn). They say things like "Do you want your father to have more heart problems?", and "If you do this we aren't coming" and they are threatening to disown her if she marries me. We respect their blessing and want it because she is very close to them. We will not do anything drastic and get married unless they at the least give us their blessing. 

Now she is very hurt and sad, she went home and came back and said this will never work, but after a few days back she has gotten back on board of waiting it out. She is someone who has always listened to her parents and it is hard for her to stand up to them or rebel. But she has worked up the courage to tell them and their reaction has really sent her a step back and made her shut down. We have her 2 sisters, one of their husbands, her best friend and all of our friends on our side and supporting her. But she is not one to ask for help and very rarely will talk about it. 

I am worried that she will give up hope, compartmentalize her feelings and move forward (she is very good at this and speaks to nobody besides me really about her real feelings about anything). I trust our relationship to power through this. Her best friend has mentioned that she has never seen her this in love and that I am amazing for her and I have to keep fighting. She has the same affect on me and everyone who knows us for real feels the same way--that our relationship is good and we shouldn't sacrifice that. 

My concern is that if this drags on for months, or years and they dont give us their blessing to marry she will waiver and walk away hurt and sad because she doesn't, or cant find the courage to continue. 

I even made a pros and cons list with choices of what to do (see all the way at the bottom). Please help I dont know what to do and I am lost right now. It is a very hard situation. 

1. Wait for a certain time period as long as we can and then agree to move on.

Pros

Get to spend more time with each other

Cons

Relationship will sour internally because of external things
Hurting will keep going and going


2. Plan something drastic, move forward quick and see consequences of that.

Pros

It might work

Cons

It might not

3. Elope and hope they accept us.

Pros

We get what we want and can be us

Cons

They may disown her


4. Wait as long as it takes for them to come around and continue our lives as usual.

Pros

We get to be with each other
We are respecting their wishes of not getting married
We dont destroy our relationship

Cons

They may never come around and we will have to be unwed with no children


5. End it now and save everyone the hurt in between

Pros

Family will not be hurt

Cons

We will always regret not knowing how great we could have been together


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I would like to offer advice but I'm very confused... I read your post several times but can't get all the players straight (hard to sort out all these girls)

Who are your feelings for NOW? The girl who you were engaged to (but broke it off 1 month before the wedding?)

Or the girl you developed feelings for WHILE YOU WERE ENGAGED?

Or someone else altogether?

I'm sorry for your pain and confusion...


----------



## JPJ1206 (Jan 15, 2015)

Yes my feelings were developed for the other girl WHILE I WAS ENGAGED. But that was just one of the factors in why we called off the wedding. But yes...that girl is the one I wish to marry- the one whom I met while I was engaged.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Ok, thanks for the clarification.

I will go back and re-read with that in mind...


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Why are her parents so opposed to her marrying you?


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Well my friend, you two have a tough choice. I was not from your culture but had many obstacles to be with my wife. Her family did not approve and at first, mine didn't.

I married her anyway and the only family member that showed up was her youngest sister.

We are 19 years married and very happy but I have never gotten along with her family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JPJ1206 (Jan 15, 2015)

In the story I mention I was engaged once before. Her family knows and is a part of the same community as the girl I was previously engaged to. Her uncle is close friends to the original girls (the one I was engaged to previously) uncles.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Ok... skip all these girls that you have dated or been engaged to. Too much drama, too much familial control.

Figure out what you want, find a new village, a new country, h*ll a new continent, and find a girl who loves you for YOU. Not all this other drama.

Never mind marriage. What I think you are really struggling with is a West/East philosophy. 

Which one do you relate to more, ally yourself with?

Therein, is the answer to your original question.


----------



## JPJ1206 (Jan 15, 2015)

I mean the girl im with now does love me for me. Its not really her fault that her family is so traditional and old fashioned. I also am someone who believes in individual choice but I respect that she doesnt want to hurt her parents and cause issues at within her family. She's trying to make it work right now but who knows if they will change their minds?


----------



## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

Her parents gave her life so that she can have a life. If they want to control someone's life besides their own, they can get into politics or buy a dog! If family is more important than you to her, I think you then know it's time to move on. It sounds like your future depends on what she chooses, and if your relationship ever hits a rough patch, you can be certain the family guilt trip will be thrown at you and you will be blamed for her not having her parents in her life anymore. I don't think you can win here guy.


----------



## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

As someone who married a woman from a different culture (Turkish), the parents may come around eventually. My EW parents disowned her for 7 hers after we were married, when we divorced after 20, they loved me very much. There is no right answer, if they never come around, it will be very, very difficult later on in your marriage. Hope they do.


----------



## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> Ok... skip all these girls that you have dated or been engaged to. Too much drama, too much familial control.
> 
> Figure out what you want, find a new village, a new country, h*ll a new continent, and find a girl who loves you for YOU. Not all this other drama.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I'd skip marrying any of the women. Leave to find someone else where there is less drama. If you do marry this woman,she may forever have issues with her parents because of you. Can you handle that? 

I know a friend who went through something similar and they got married anyways, and she has not seen her parents ever since they married. She feels depressed most days and it's been a huge struggle for them, causing many problems. 

That is a lot of drama to start off your married life.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"We had a terrible relationship and decided that we had to not go through with the wedding so we told our parents. I had also started realizing that I was having feelings for someone else at this point."

Having a couple daughters, myself, I can easily understand why her father may not be thrilled at the sound of your name. You chased this girl around for four years, and one month before the wedding you are chatting up some other woman? 

You had a relationship with her and you described it as "terrible". Not married, just dating and it was "terrible" and you were less than completely faithful. 

Her parents are not against you without reason. They were supportive until you taught them that you were a threat to their daughter's future. You've sort of cared for this woman off and on for four years? They've loved her since she was born. Not sure how strong your devotion is for her but her daddy would probably be happy to throw himself in front of a train for her. If they think you aren't son-in-law material, you probably aren't. 

Let's look at your options:

1. pointless and wastes her time and your's. 

2. Stupid. Marriage is the most important decision you'll ever make. It will impact people generations down the road. It's not like buying a stereo on a whim with the idea that you can just take it back if you don't like it.

3. Unmanly, immature, and selfish. The best you could hope for is her parents might grudgingly tolerate you at some point but in her parent's eyes, you'll always be the spineless loser who stole their baby. Any problems you and your new wife encounter will be laid squarely on your shoulders (by her parents and probably by her). You'll be the target of tons of resentment for many years to come, assuming her Sikh daddy doesn't hunt you down and make you disappear. 

That rather leaves you with 4 or 5. I might suggest #6. Be a man and talk to her parents (without her). Apologize for your past mistakes and spend the next couple years proving to them that their impressions about you are wrong. If you aren't willing to put in that effort and time, she's not all that important to you and you'd be better off with someone else and so would she.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Her parents very well may never change their minds about you. And you don't want to get married without their blessing. The only question is how much more time are you willing to invest in what could be a no-win situation.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Have you ever met her parents?


----------



## JPJ1206 (Jan 15, 2015)

@unbelievable you know what...you are right. I doubt it's really because they are "afraid of what the community will think". It has to be because the see me as this guy who left someone else and could leave there daughter as well. But yes- I am devoted to her and I am a different person now. (We havent been on and off for 4 years--actually we've been pretty devoted- she has been scared a few times about what her family would think and I comforted her through it saying i'd be there).

I agree with you...what must they really be thinking? Not 100% "What will everyone say"---but really "What if he does what he did to the other girl".

I am willing and ready to put in the effort and talk to them...the question now is how do I convince them to agree to talk to me? Even if it is just her father? And what is the right time to do it?


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I want my daughters to be safe and happy. I could give a rat's behind what the community thinks. I imagine her father isn't all that different. Convince that man and his wife that the best place for their daughter is with you and you will have the greatest allies for the rest of their life.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *4. *Wait as long as it takes for them to come around and continue our lives as usual.
> 
> Pros
> 
> ...


I would commit to give THIS OPTION a Year to warm them over.. be creative.. and her also working with you to win them over.. if nothing changes in a year..and your love is as strong as ever..you know what.. it's your life! Do what's in your hearts.. it's kinda a middle ground option..I think you will have less regrets with this one...and a clearer vision a year from now..

This was sweet...a Plug for the good guys *>>* Her Parents Hate Me


----------

