# Is contact in bed a sign there are still feelings?



## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

My relationship is complicated and been on the rocks for a year. Together 12yrs, not married, 2 kids. I am at the end of my rope with her lack of communication. Does not talk about anything meaningful and never initiates physical contact. 

I blew up on her the other day and she said she is done and wants to move. However, there is a sort of unspoken alliance between us. Getting along very well making Tday stuff but we rarely really fight anyway, quite the opposite. 

Last night I thought I would just test the water and touch her, snuggle, etc. She did not seem to mind a bit. I am not sure if this is a passive way for her to keep me off her azz until after the holidays or if there is something more there? 

I realize the response will be to talk to her but even our therapist has noticed she does not tend to say what she means. She has said "I am done" before. 

However, I did hit her hard the other day that the lack of contact and sex IS a problem for me and a relationship breaker. The next day ironically, one of her clients told her that my picture was up on an online dating site. In fact it was but I am not dating anyone. I think it hit home with her though I did feel a bit bad. 

She said the only reason she is still around is that she is worried about me bad mouthing her. The therapist indicated to her that you can "ask" that I not do that, but ultimately you become two separate people and cannot control the other. Neither of us are back stabbers but I am pretty pissed seeing as how if we just had some communication and sex once in a while, I would be very happy. 

It is almost like she is purposely sabotaging the relationship!!


----------



## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Sniffing around on dating sites won't help. It will only push her away. Would you want to be with her if she was on a dating website? You two are not married, so legally you can do what you want and so can she. I am sure she was hurt by you putting yourself on the dating website. Your doing this to drive home your point of what you need is just a retaliation to her not giving you sex. Did you think she was going to say ok, Ill give it up to you now that I know you want to date other people? If you we're not happy and wanted to date other people you should have told her the truth and left her first. Now, you just look like a cheater and in my opinion you are. 

You should probably split up, move out and date other people. Talk to an atty about your kids and know where you stand. You probably don't want to do that and you probably don't have the courage to do it. You started dating while in the relationship with her and now you decided to change your mind. I would start with a sincere apology and explain to her why you did that and of course get off the dating site, that's if you really want to be with her. 
The other option is to follow up on what you started. Leave her and date other people and don't look back.


> *
> "I realize the response will be to talk to her but even our therapist has noticed she does not tend to say what she means. She has said "I am done" before. "*


By going on a dating website and then saying you still want to be with her you too are not doing what you say you want to do. You are doing the same thing she is doing.


----------



## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I know it seems easy to just "split up" but there is a lot of baggage here. Lives intertwined, special needs son, financial concerns. It won't be as easy as walking out the door. 

I really did not go to a dating site to spite her, however, I did tell her and the therapist that I cannot continue life like this and would consider cheating at this point. I have never cheated on her. It is not that I am trying to shame her into action, I am not real sure of the reason other than being honest about my feelings. 

I have got a LOT of false promises from her. We were engaged for 3yrs because she said that is what she needed to fix our issues. Ring went on finger......nothing changed.... We did not have sex for a week after we got engaged....


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

You have major compatibility issues. Yes, your lives are intertwined, but you aren't willing to accept her as she is. 

What do YOU think is the wise thing to do, since trying to force change isn't working?


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I think you just created another reason for your girlfriend to separate herself even further, a picture on a dating site. I would forget the cuddling meaning anything.


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I've gotta say bobsmith, I'm not seeing a very rosey picture of you here. Things like, "I am pretty pissed seeing as how if we just had some communication and sex once in a while, I would be very happy." and "one of her clients told her that my picture was up on an online dating site. In fact it was but I am not dating anyone. I think it hit home with her though I did feel a bit bad" just make you sound incredibly selfish and heartless.

For starters, why in the world are you on a dating website? You're a married man, you made promises to your wife, you have absolutely no business being on a dating website. Her finding out about that absolutely hit "home" with her and made her feel bad, it probably crushes her emotionally. That sort of betrayal would crush anyone.

Next, you act here like her ability to have sex with you is no more complex a matter than flipping a light switch or ten minutes of cardio. I know we men can be pretty dense when it comes to understanding women and their approach to sexuality, but you can't be so dense as to not see that there is clearly a very real emotional or psychological cause for her lack of libido. It's honestly entirely possible that your treatment of her in some areas (or things like using dating websites) has caused her to be so fearful and distrustful that it's made any existing sexual issue far worse.

If you don't believe me, consider this. If she really enjoyed sex and had a strong libido, she'd be all over you with frequency right? If she hates sex and has no libido to speak of, she probably won't want to have sex at all right? At the same time, we do things for our spouses all the time that we often don't particularly enjoy or maybe even hate. I for example don't mind leaving my clothes on the bathroom floor to pile up and then collect them all at once to take straight to the washer. That bugs the heck out of my wife, so because I love her, I put my clothes away in the hamper. You would think that if *all she really had going on here* was that she just doesn't enjoy sex and isn't excitable for it, that she would still be willing to do it for you as a loving gesture. It might not be particularly good sex, but it's sex nonetheless. You surely know how that goes, there are women everywhere who perform "duty sex" every single day, just doing it because to satisfy their husbands because they (hopefully) love them and it is worth it to them.

In your case, despite aggressively making it crystal clear how important it is to you, how it is a relationship breaker, and that you are clearly willing to cheat (or at least actively entertain the thought) to get it, wouldn't you think that you would at least get some duty sex if the only thing that was involved here was that she just hates sex??? Does she not seem incredibly sad, disappointed or upset that her marriage seems to be falling apart and is probably blaming herself for that? She knows there is nothing wrong or unreasonable about a husband who expects a sexual relationship with his wife, so it's easy to see how it might be incredibly depressing for her to feel like she has failed you and her family. CLEARLY there must be a deeper issue involved here, because God knows I wouldn't let my marriage fall apart over my refusal to keep the bathroom floor clothing-free.

So I think you owe it to her to dig much deeper and question everything, especially yourself. Allow her to feel safe, without judgement or anger, and listen to her. Ask her if there are things you've been doing or ways you have treated her that have made her feel pushed away, undermined, feel like a sex object, unloved, etc. Maybe see if there are other lingering issues from her past that might be involved. 

Just realize that people don't sacrifice their marriage over simple matters here, so don't treat it like it's a simple solution for her either. And get off the dating websites.


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

cdbaker said:


> I've gotta say bobsmith, I'm not seeing a very rosey picture of you here. Things like, "I am pretty pissed seeing as how if we just had some communication and sex once in a while, I would be very happy." and "one of her clients told her that my picture was up on an online dating site. In fact it was but I am not dating anyone. I think it hit home with her though I did feel a bit bad" just make you sound incredibly selfish and heartless.
> 
> For starters, why in the world are you on a dating website? You're a married man, you made promises to your wife, you have absolutely no business being on a dating website. Her finding out about that absolutely hit "home" with her and made her feel bad, it probably crushes her emotionally. That sort of betrayal would crush anyone.
> 
> ...


They are not married legally speaking. But good reply just the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Whoops, you're right, I missed the "not married" part. But yes I think everything I said still applies. Together for 12 years with two kids should involve a commitment just as strong as saying "I do."


----------

