# I don't like my husband's touch anymore.



## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

My marriage went through many things from emotional and physical abuse from my husband to my emotional and physical affair years later. I am not proud of it and wish it would never happened. But it did and I can do nothing but to learn from my mistakes.

I am doing MC for more than a year now and trying my best to work on us. It is very hard.

My husband and I stopped really kissing about 3-4 years ago. It started with his poor dental hygiene and that need to kiss him never came back to me. 
Now, 3 years later, I feel very little intimate connection with him. Our sex lasts about 10 minutes. This is very sad to say, but lately when we are having sex, I keep my eyes shut the whole time. I feel like I am forcing them to stay closed so I don't have to look at him. That's very wrong. 
When my H kissed me, I felt like he licked me all over my face. I did not feel pleasure from anything much and literally right after intercourse - I cried. 
This crying thing is happening for a very long time now. Instead of that connection or satisfaction I used to feel years ago, now I am sad right away and tiers are coming out somehow automatically. I always make sure he does not see that. 

I don't feel any connection after it. We are able to fight 2 minutes later. 
One thing I really look forward each night is when we caress each others backs while watching tv. This makes me more satisfied that anything else but it is nothing sexual, just relaxing.

Is there anything I can do to like intimacy with my H? How can I become attracted to him again? I was the one passionate before who would pick different places in our house and hated sex in our bedroom only. Now it's different story. I just want to get over with it.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I have to ask....what happened to you? what led to your affairs?....don't blame it on his dental hygiene....as why you are not kissing your husband.....Did you two get intensive MC after your affair?


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

We did not work on our problems when we should. We both just hoped it will go away while resentment grew. I stopped liking him for his constant criticism, put downs, etc. We lost that special closeness. I felt very lonely and unwanted. Then someone showed interest and I liked it. I thought I felt in love with him. I was un-experienced since my H was my first from kiss to everything. But I never slept with this guy. It was about something else.

Then, couple years later, I met younger attractive guy who pretty much played me. I was blinded by his attention and ignored every red flag. I told him I can't sleep with him but after some pressure, I gave in. My fault. I should never put myself in that situation. It was the most selfish thing I could ever do. But I don't want to talk about this part anymore. I know I made terrible mistake and there is no one else to blame but me.
I just don't understand why I can't stand my H sexual touching anymore. Why I react so negative emotionally to it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I wouldn't want to kiss a man with poor dental hygiene either! Yuck!

You have to come clean...with your H, and tell him to clean up his grooming! Get him to the dentist and enforce brushing his teeth before he comes to bed. Make him wear a cologne you like, that will also help. Make him wear clothing that is attractive to you.

Tell him he needs to put some effort into being attractive!

Your attraction will slowly come back as your H cleans up his act.

I don't mow why some people think once they're married, the effort to be well turned out is no longer necessary....


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> We did not work on our problems when we should. We both just hoped it will go away while resentment grew. I stopped liking him for his constant criticism, put downs, etc. We lost that special closeness. I felt very lonely and unwanted. Then someone showed interest and I liked it. I thought I felt in love with him. I was un-experienced since my H was my first from kiss to everything. But I never slept with this guy. It was about something else.
> 
> Then, couple years later, I met younger attractive guy who pretty much played me. I was blinded by his attention and ignored every red flag. I told him I can't sleep with him but after some pressure, I gave in. My fault. I should never put myself in that situation. It was the most selfish thing I could ever do. But I don't want to talk about this part anymore. I know I made terrible mistake and there is no one else to blame but me.
> I just don't understand why I can't stand my H sexual touching anymore. Why I react so negative emotionally to it.


You are a mature and cheating wife . YOU HAVE to deal with what you did to your husband......You cheated and now you are blaming your emotions on the fact that you don't like your Dh touch anymore....give me a break....you are very selfish....you are the darn problem not your DH....has he even been able to forgive you?


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I wouldn't want to kiss a man with poor dental hygiene either! Yuck!
> 
> You have to come clean...with your H, and tell him to clean up his grooming! Get him to the dentist and enforce brushing his teeth before he comes to bed. Make him wear a cologne you like, that will also help. Make him wear clothing that is attractive to you.
> 
> ...


Anon Pink you are very right.....but she CHEATED AND NO LONGER FINDS DH ATTRACTIVE........she needs IC and fast!!


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

AG has admitted, albeit on here, that she did have an affair but that she deeply regrets it, and doesn't want to talk about it anymore.

I doubt admitting it to her husband will help matters. Sometimes things are best left unsaid.
Lets respect what AG has said and move on.

AG - I can understand the oral hygiene bit. My wife smokes 10+ a day and her breath stinks. It even wakes me up at 3.00am if she is facing be and breathing out through her mouth. It is disgusting.
Even if I had the desire (which I haven't) to kiss her I wouldn't.

I think what you have to do is decide whether YOU want to have a sexual relationship with him. If you do, then get him to do as Anon Pink suggests...but you also need to come to the bar and make yourself more attractive to him.

If you really don't feel that you can re-ignite the flame then you have two choices...leave and start a new life for YOU or just accept you have an empty (sexually) marriage.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

over20 said:


> Anon Pink you are very right.....but she CHEATED AND NO LONGER FINDS DH ATTRACTIVE........she needs IC and fast!!


But this thread isn't about her cheating, it's about being turned off, actively turned off as opposed to not being turned on, by her husband.

If he isn't trying to make himself attractive to her then he is falling down on the job and he needs to clean up his act! Would you expect your husband to want to kiss you with foul breath and unwashed hair after you've been schlepping around for a week in the same tee shirt and sweatpants?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Can you describe why you would like to stay in this relationship? It sounds like there have been numerous issues over the years (physical abuse!) and, from what you describe, it sounds as if the marriage is dead. 

Is your husband committed to changing things and finding a better place with you or is this all on your shoulders?

When it comes to marriage problems - it's never just one person's problem. It may take only one person to make a marriage problem, but it takes two people to fix it.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Really sorry but I do not think cheating means someone needs therapy. 

Affairs happen usually when someone is not getting the affection they need at home. That may be the wrong way to go but it is the truth. 

Sometimes people have affairs just because they like them and they have nothing to do with their spouse. -those people have a problem.

To the Op:
you need to get him to take care of himself so that he is as attractive as possible as well as make him stop the verbal and physical abuse and he probably needs to take a more creative and loving approach to sex before you can be attracted to him. 

If he won't change for you than there is not much you can do on this.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Nobody bothered to address the fact that her hb was physically abusive? That's likely where the connection was broken. Deal with THAT first, and the poor hygiene (yuck).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Nobody bothered to address the fact that her hb was physically abusive? That's likely where the connection was broken. Deal with THAT first, and the poor hygiene (yuck).
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Very true.
However there is abuse and abuse.
Systematic abuse day in day out is a heinious crime.

I very nearly when the red mist came down, 'lost' it with my wife on a couple of occasions. Fortunately I managed to control myself and walk away. I have never, and I hope WILL NEVER hit my wife - restrain in self defence is a different thing (not had to do it).

If a man (or woman) loses it and hits their partner once or twice because of the 'red mist', does that make them an 'abuser'? In the wrong, absolutely...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

askari said:


> Very true.
> However there is abuse and abuse.
> Systematic abuse day in day out is a heinious crime.
> 
> ...



I don't know if it makes them an abuser, but it is a bell that can't be unrung. Once you know someone is capable of that things are never the same. I've been pretty p!ssed off during my life and it's never occurred to me that I should hit someone.
I'm glad you checked yourself, you saved yourself a lot of grief.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

If I only cheat once in the mist of passion - does that make me a cheater? 

I've come much closer to hitting my children than my husband - but if I hit them once that would make me an abuser. Cheating once makes me a cheater.

The marriage is pitted on both sides, I'm afraid. There are issues and now it manifests in the sex life.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

WHY are you in counseling...why are you trying to save this "marriage"??

Not rhetorical...serious questions...


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

MissS - I hear what you are saying and believe me I am not trying to condone abuse and domestic violence etc.

Does stealing a pen from the office make you a thief and a criminal?
Does stealing a sweet from a pic n'mix make you a thief and a criminal?
Is a homeless and destitute person who steals a loaf of bread because they are hungry a criminal?
In my book, no it doesn't.
Do it every day, too right it does.

Does smacking your child once in a blue moon when they deserve it make you a child abuser? I don't think so.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Oh, I get it. You can build a thousand bridges and never be called a bridgebuilder - but suck one **** and you'll always be a ****sucker.

As the saying goes. 

He's an abuser, she's a cheater, we're all human but why does she want this marriage to go the distance when she can't stand to kiss him? That's more the question.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

When you allow another man to seduce you and to have sex with him, it takes your husband down several pegs. I call it "killing" them. So you will never see him the same as a result of your transgression. The only way you will see it is if some of these players really use you up, and put you in harms way over and over again, you will long for the true love of your husband.

Outside of that as long as you get away with affairs you will see your husband in a fouler light, and even see him as not as sexually capable as your single guy exploits.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

When you hit your wife you knock her down a few pegs, and she never looks at you the same way again. You could call it killing her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> We did not work on our problems when we should. We both just hoped it will go away while resentment grew. I stopped liking him for his constant criticism, put downs, etc. We lost that special closeness. I felt very lonely and unwanted. Then someone showed interest and I liked it. I thought I felt in love with him. I was un-experienced since my H was my first from kiss to everything. But I never slept with this guy. It was about something else.
> 
> Then, couple years later, I met younger attractive guy who pretty much played me. I was blinded by his attention and ignored every red flag. I told him I can't sleep with him but after some pressure, I gave in. My fault. I should never put myself in that situation. It was the most selfish thing I could ever do. But I don't want to talk about this part anymore. I know I made terrible mistake and there is no one else to blame but me.
> I just don't understand why I can't stand my H sexual touching anymore. Why I react so negative emotionally to it.


 There's no excuse for physical abuse. There's no excuse for cheating either. That doesn't solve the problem. 

One thing that I noticed is that your craving a gentle hand and attention but in the process IMO you being used by men who will whisper the sweet nothings in your ear just for the sex. That doesn't help and all their doing is using you.

If your not happy, then leave. File for divorce, heal yourself and move on. Stop letting guys use you then push you aside and above all, never let anyone abuse you.

I'm a guy and lord only knows that I have been pushed to the wall by my ex wife but I knew that once I balled up my fist and swing it at her and connected, then I have become what I hate. You can do better.


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## CafeRed (Mar 26, 2012)

I read your post again, and I realized that you never mentioned whether or not your husband knows about your affair. Have you told him about it? And if so, has he forgiven you? Have you both worked through this as a couple? That could be a huge factor here that seems to be getting ignored. 

And with that in mind, I would definitely recommend counseling for the two of you. You have a lot going on - much more than what is being spoken of - and a counselor will help you both sort through this. 

Please don't give up hope. I'll certainly be praying for you.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> When you hit your wife you knock her down a few pegs, and she never looks at you the same way again. You could call it killing her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is killing her, I didn't realize he was beating his wife. I only saw the part about she cheated on him. If he was indeed beating her, I am so sorry that words cannot express.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

treyvion said:


> It is killing her, I didn't realize he was beating his wife. I only saw the part about she cheated on him. If he was indeed beating her, I am so sorry that words cannot express.



I don't know that he's regularly beating her, she just said there had been physical and emotional abuse, so it could have been a one time thing. But it still does damage, just like a ons; clearly a serial cheat (like a regular abuser) is much worse but a ons does plenty of damage because the trust factor is now gone. Hit someone once and the trust is gone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I don't know that he's regularly beating her, she just said there had been physical and emotional abuse, so it could have been a one time thing. But it still does damage, just like a ons; clearly a serial cheat (like a regular abuser) is much worse but a ons does plenty of damage because the trust factor is now gone. Hit someone once and the trust is gone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Physical or emotional are very damaging. People let emotional slide all the damn time, and it can be worse than physical.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> But this thread isn't about her cheating, it's about being turned off, actively turned off as opposed to not being turned on, by her husband.
> 
> If he isn't trying to make himself attractive to her then he is falling down on the job and he needs to clean up his act! Would you expect your husband to want to kiss you with foul breath and unwashed hair after you've been schlepping around for a week in the same tee shirt and sweatpants?


You are right. I was looking at it from a different angle. One being that once a spouse has an affair sometimes they don't look at their spouse ever the same again. Maybe she is noticing his flaws now that she had overlooked before....IDK


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

over20 said:


> You are right. I was looking at it from a different angle. One being that once a spouse has an affair sometimes they don't look at their spouse ever the same again. Maybe she is noticing his flaws now that she had overlooked before....IDK


I gotta say, for a happily married woman, what do you know about how people react to infidelity?


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I gotta say, for a happily married woman, what do you know about how people react to infidelity?


I read A LOT about men/marriage/parenting....I used to work at a large Library...and had access to ALL kinds of authors and studies and books... and it is also common sense that when one has a banana split they may not like a vanilla ice cream cone anymore.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Abuse is horrible. So is cheating. But you are both adults. If you both chose to forgive each other than do it all the way. Don't use the previous transgressions as fuel for contempt.

Otherwise what's the point of staying married? Mistakes were made on both sides. Horrible mistakes. But if they were forgiven it's time to move forward together. It's not his teeth. That can be fixed with regular brushing. Its way more than that.

I wish you well in this. But i just had to respond that IMO it is way more than his dental hygiene. The resentment from the past killed this for you.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

over20 said:


> You are right. I was looking at it from a different angle. One being that once a spouse has an affair sometimes they don't look at their spouse ever the same again. Maybe she is noticing his flaws now that she had overlooked before....IDK


Even her single guy OM's have flaws. All of us have flaws. The mind attempts to make the affair right, so it will put the OM in a good light, and it will be overly critical of the cheated on spouse. It will find reasons. Alot of it is automatic, part of the lie.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

You are very, very smart.........That is the way I saw it.....IDK


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

over20 said:


> You are very, very smart.........That is the way I saw it.....IDK


When my ex cheated me. Her mind was focused on invalidating me, it never came off that program. Also she was lieing heavily and "setting me up" to make me appear in a bad light. I tried to even literally be perfect, pre-scripting my movements and actions as to not have error and she was still invalidating me.

I learned that's what it does. Alot of it is automatic, the brain is very fast and very creative and when you start living a lie it will conjure some things up quickly. I personally think it can be a dangerous state of mind that can get people murdered and things like that and have it make sense.

Glad I'm done with it.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I am so very sorry that you went through that........you are a great guy....


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

over20 said:


> I am so very sorry that you went through that........you are a great guy....


It's allright. I wish I could've had that knowledge without going through that experience. Everyone is OK now.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Do you have any children?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

over20 said:


> Do you have any children?


I had two children in that particular situation, without them I would've been long gone. It's an old story and I'm living alot better these days.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

You are a rare man that put's his needs behind his children.....I am glad to hear you are dong better......


Blessings


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

over20 said:


> You are a rare man that put's his needs behind his children.....I am glad to hear you are dong better......
> 
> 
> Blessings


As so many of us do....


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I am so sorry you have to endure this .....it is not fair...


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

My marriage went through many things from emotional and physical abuse from my husband + Poor hygiene.

Who would want to have intimate relations with this type of person?

I'm betting that you never really got over the abuse and your OM probably treated you good-(Am I right?).


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

MissScarlett said:


> Can you describe why you would like to stay in this relationship? It sounds like there have been numerous issues over the years (physical abuse!) and, from what you describe, it sounds as if the marriage is dead.
> 
> Is your husband committed to changing things and finding a better place with you or is this all on your shoulders?
> 
> When it comes to marriage problems - it's never just one person's problem. It may take only one person to make a marriage problem, but it takes two people to fix it.


How to describe it... I want to give our marriage one more chance. My husband and I learned from our mistakes or at least from those bigger ones. 

When we went through MC together, he admitted his mistakes. He is not physically abusive now and when he was - slapped my face, pushed me, grabbed my arm, or my neck once from behind- I felt like I provoked him to do it. 
He still is kinda emotionally abusive but instead of being quiet about it, I stand my ground. He does not call me names anymore, but puts me down with his actions, the way he blames me, controls, or criticize me. He gets angry easily.

But I know that we both are trying to do better and that's why I want to give us one more chance. I want to be attracted to him again and he does take care of him for most of the time. Of course there are things he can do nothing about like getting bold and I understand that. I don't know when I started to be so shallow and looking on outside instead of inside of a person. Everyone loves him for his friendly personality, so why can't I see only that and focus on it?


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

treyvion said:


> When you allow another man to seduce you and to have sex with him, it takes your husband down several pegs. I call it "killing" them. So you will never see him the same as a result of your transgression. The only way you will see it is if some of these players really use you up, and put you in harms way over and over again, you will long for the true love of your husband.
> 
> Outside of that as long as you get away with affairs you will see your husband in a fouler light, and even see him as not as sexually capable as your single guy exploits.


"This" guy was actually a player. He was sweet, charming and handsome. He said things my husband did not for years and I felt wanted. I was so stupid and selfish. And I was blind as well. He slapped my face in playful way 3 times and did not think bad about him just because he was gentle to me for most of the time. I put him on pedestal because of him being a soldier. I thought high of him until he disappeared from my life. And I deserved it. Looking back, he was not better in sex. He just got what he wanted. It was not really about me. He tried to please himself. I was just blinded by his looks and passion in our kiss. So wrong. But there is no one else to blame - but me.

I see what you are saying Treyvion.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

Emotional abuse is a deal breaker. Should be for everyone. There is no blessing from marriage that can compensate for the damage to the victim. You said he has toned that down . That's good but if you still feel the "sting" from his remarks, to your self esteem, then it is time to consider pulling the plug.......


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

AwfullyGuilty,



It is great that you are here, looking for wisdom and insight. It is nice you have both been doing MC and it has been helping you both change.



But I wish you would find a way to give individual counseling a chance, so that you can get support in figuring out for yourself what you need in your life and what is not something you are willing to accept.



Do you have kids? How old are you both? Are you both employed?



It is obvious from here you deserve better than someone who is still verbally abusive to you. Why? Because we all do. You need to figure out why you are drawn to him despite how he treats you, and then decide if that is worth it.



Focus on you now, on healing you, and worry about his hygiene later. Later, things like that will be easier to figure out.



Have you considered IC recently?


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

PieceOfSky said:


> AwfullyGuilty,
> 
> 
> 
> ...


*Our MC is pretty much IC for me now. My husband stopped going after one fight we had about 2 months ago. I talk with this therapist about everything - from fights to my affair. 
We had this agreement about sharing our household chores. I asked him to help with folding his own laundry. He did that about 3 times, than asked me if I can do it for him. It was like little guilt trip he gave me for saying no and also acted like that "no" will come back to me one day when I will want something from him. I felt so selfish after it. As if I wanted too much from him. After all, I did fold his clothes that he did not touch for about a month. *
*He was always use to me doing things like that. It is woman's job in our country, except that it is changing now. He was also use to having his clothes picked up and ready for a work. Now I let him pick his own clothes and I iron them for him. Many things I did for him are my fault. I was "people pleaser" especially at the begging of our relationship. 
*


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Does he know you cheated? Was he physically abusive after he found out you cheated?

Is he still physically abusive? Did he stop physically abusing you at some point? 

A lot is missing here. I hate to say it, but a lot of times something minor like him grabbing her shoulders and catching himself, is seen as "abusive" if the wife wants a reason to be a victim. It especially happens when the wife has or is currently cheating and doesn't want to feel bad for her actions. The worse he seems, the less guilt felt cheating.

Or he is just a piece of crap and if he abused you, you should have left. Why would you enjoy sex with a guy that abuses you? Why would you want to look at him? Why would you want to kiss him, good hygiene or not. The physical abuse thing is a deal breaker for me. As is cheating. You'd both probably be better off apart. 2 deal breakers in one relationship, says it all.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

treyvion said:


> When you allow another man to seduce you and to have sex with him, it takes your husband down several pegs. I call it "killing" them. So you will never see him the same as a result of your transgression. The only way you will see it is if some of these players really use you up, and put you in harms way over and over again, you will long for the true love of your husband.
> 
> Outside of that as long as you get away with affairs you will see your husband in a fouler light, and even see him as not as sexually capable as your single guy exploits.


If he abused her, I doubt she'll ever long for the "true love" of her husband. Why is it that just because someone on here admits to cheating, their spouse is automatically the loving, sainted, all holy one no matter what.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

Coldie said:


> Does he know you cheated? Was he physically abusive after he found out you cheated?
> 
> Is he still physically abusive? Did he stop physically abusing you at some point?
> 
> ...


My husband was abusive years before I cheated. He did not just grab my shoulder. He slapped my face when he kept criticize me and I made my mistake of calling him "names". This did not happen once...He grabbed me by neck at the store just because I wanted to buy something for $5 and he did not agree. He had anger problems and I provoked him. Since that, I learned my lesson. I don't call him names anymore and he knows if he ever puts his hand on me - I will leave him. 
What did not change completely is the way he treats me - as if I was a little stupid child. His ways are best ways and blame is always on me. 
But - whatever he did in the past - it is not excuse for what I did. That's on me. I felt alone, I choose to fulfill my need somewhere else. My mistake.
He tries his best now, so am I. It is just hard when you don't feel attraction toward your spouse and when you try to concentrate on his inner qualities - you find angry and negative man 3-4 days a week. It is hard to ignore his remarks when they happen often and he knows exactly what he does since I told him before.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> He tries his best now, so am I. It is just hard when you don't feel attraction toward your spouse and when you try to concentrate on his inner qualities - you find angry and negative man 3-4 days a week. It is hard to ignore his remarks when they happen often and he knows exactly what he does since I told him before.


I hate to tell you this, but you are done. You just arent ready to admit it yet.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

AG - I think it is highly commendable that you want to try and sort things out for the better.

As a poster said earlier, this is all about you and what you can do to rebuild your marriage. It is not about your affair...which you openly (on here) accept was wrong.

I'm afraid that I agree 3x above...too much damage has been done already.
Domestic abuse is dreadful but is a reality. It seems that you are living under the constant 'cloud' of him hitting you again. 
You feel that you cannot call him a $hit because he will abuse you.

Its as if you are on a constant knife edge. What a way to live...

Exit strategy is needed. But please make sure you have everything in place first before you go....and don't tell him where you are going either.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Have you read any of Patricia Evans' books?

Amazon.com: Patricia Evans: Books, Biography, Blog, Audiobooks, Kindle


Just started reading this one myself:

Amazon.com: Victory Over Verbal Abuse: A Healing Guide to Renewing Your Spirit and Reclaiming Your Life eBook: Patricia Evans: Books


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

TeaLeaves4 said:


> If he abused her, I doubt she'll ever long for the "true love" of her husband. Why is it that just because someone on here admits to cheating, their spouse is automatically the loving, sainted, all holy one no matter what.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Re. "on here...no matter what"? We all have our filters through which we view the world. Some filters distort. I have seen signs of the distortion you speak of, at times, but not enough to make generalizations about "here".

In Treyvion's case, he simply missed an important detail, which to his credit he already responded to:



treyvion said:


> It is killing her, I didn't realize he was beating his wife. I only saw the part about she cheated on him. If he was indeed beating her, I am so sorry that words cannot express.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> I hate to tell you this, but you are done. You just arent ready to admit it yet.


Why can't I admit it? Why can't I let go? I always had problems with letting go. People could be mean to me but I won't let go. I often think I had to do something to them, instead of admitting that maybe it is them. I don't like to get flowers, bc I can't stand to see them die. I kept our Christmas tree 4 months alive just bc I could not throw it away and let it die. I take bugs out of our house, because of the same reason. 
I just don't understand what it is with me that I can't let go...

My husband was abusive to me physically, but he learned and he is not same way anymore. He is still controlling and emotionally abusive but it is so much better compare to what was years ago.

I feel like everything is my fault anyway.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

PieceOfSky said:


> Have you read any of Patricia Evans' books?
> 
> Amazon.com: Patricia Evans: Books, Biography, Blog, Audiobooks, Kindle
> 
> ...


I did not. I still work on Codependent No More and why does he do that. Thank you for an idea. I will look into it later.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> When you hit your wife you knock her down a few pegs, and she never looks at you the same way again. You could call it killing her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree but there is more to it than that.

When a man hits his wife HE sees her in a fouler light, and even see her as beneath him and contemptible. In fact he can only abuse her if he looks down on her and despises her.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

You are probably a very loyal (extremely so), caring and sensitive woman.

I'm somewhat the same way (I share your feelings on flowers, for instance. I get very traumatized moving because I believe it's abandoning my house, etc).

This is a great quality to have for those who don't abuse you. The downside is that people like us find it nearly impossible to leave a situation that no longer is good for us. People that abuse us, make us feel bad. It's still nearly impossible to end it. The only way I have learned to adapt is to end relationships immediately before I become invested, if anything is the least bit off.

That tactic doesn't help when already in a situation where your loyalty is tested. Just because you can bear the pain and keep functioning does not mean you were born to be filled with so much pain. That is not your purpose.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> Why can't I admit it? Why can't I let go? I always had problems with letting go. People could be mean to me but I won't let go. I often think I had to do something to them, instead of admitting that maybe it is them. I don't like to get flowers, bc I can't stand to see them die. I kept our Christmas tree 4 months alive just bc I could not throw it away and let it die. I take bugs out of our house, because of the same reason.
> I just don't understand what it is with me that I can't let go...
> 
> My husband was abusive to me physically, but he learned and he is not same way anymore. He is still controlling and emotionally abusive but it is so much better compare to what was years ago.
> ...


He has conditioned you to feel this way. This is not your fault. The only thing that IS your fault is that you are still there, allowing it to happen. 

You arent letting go because you are afraid of the unknown, and probably afraid of how it would affect your H and other people. You need to take the same kind of care of yourself as you do the bugs and the Christmas tree. Why are you putting more value on the life of a bug than on your own? :scratchhead: If you dont take care of you, then NO ONE will, so you need to become your own priority. What would you tell your sister or your best friend in this situation? You seem like a very passive person, so change and going against the flow is scary. I know, because I have always been passive as well. But I found my strength, and I got out. If I can do it, anyone can.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> How to describe it... I want to give our marriage one more chance. My husband and I learned from our mistakes or at least from those bigger ones.
> 
> When we went through MC together, he admitted his mistakes. He is not physically abusive now and when he was - slapped my face, pushed me, grabbed my arm, or my neck once from behind- I felt like I provoked him to do it.
> He still is kinda emotionally abusive but instead of being quiet about it, I stand my ground. He does not call me names anymore, but puts me down with his actions, the way he blames me, controls, or criticize me. He gets angry easily.
> ...


From your posts I get the impression that you have simply lost your love for your husband. It's understandable with the way he has treated you. Even now he will not put in the effort needed for your trust and love re-grow.

Have you read the book "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters"? I think they explain what your are going through. they also also tell how to fall in love again with your spouse.

My advice is to read the books. After you read them, see if he will read them too and if the two of you can work on improving things.

If not, you are probably best served to leave this marriage. Without strong things will not get better.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> My husband was abusive years before I cheated. He did not just grab my shoulder. He slapped my face when he kept criticize me and I made my mistake of calling him "names". This did not happen once...He grabbed me by neck at the store just because I wanted to buy something for $5 and he did not agree. He had anger problems and I provoked him. Since that, I learned my lesson. I don't call him names anymore and he knows if he ever puts his hand on me - I will leave him.
> What did not change completely is the way he treats me - as if I was a little stupid child. His ways are best ways and blame is always on me.
> But - whatever he did in the past - it is not excuse for what I did. That's on me. I felt alone, I choose to fulfill my need somewhere else. My mistake.
> He tries his best now, so am I. It is just hard when you don't feel attraction toward your spouse and when you try to concentrate on his inner qualities - you find angry and negative man 3-4 days a week. It is hard to ignore his remarks when they happen often and he knows exactly what he does since I told him before.


Emotional abuse can be as bad, or worse, than physical abuse. Every time is verbally abusive he is destroying any feelings you have for him. You love is now empty. This makes perfect sense... why would you want to have sex with a man who treats you this way. 

You say that he's trying to do better. it does not sound like he is honestly trying. He may have stopped the physical abuse. But he has not stopped the emotional abuse.

Why not take the same stance with the emotional abuse. The next time he puts you down you leave him. why do you tolerate this?


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

I can relate somewhat to what you are going through. He knows he has you "trapped" in systematically induced fear. You walking on any eggshells is achievement to him. I am sorry you are going through this. I wonder if you experience something akin to PTSD and anxiety. You probably live every inch of your life anxious. The best thing I ever did was leave my situation, that was somewhat similar. it's not easy. You get used to living in chaos and it goes harder and harder to break away the longer you stay. I wish you much luck, healing and your success in life.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> When my H kissed me, I felt like he licked me all over my face. I did not feel pleasure from anything much and literally right after intercourse - I cried.
> This crying thing is happening for a very long time now. Instead of that connection or satisfaction I used to feel years ago, now I am sad right away and tiers are coming out somehow automatically.


It sounds to me like your body is trying to tell you something, and that you will benefit from listening to it.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> I hate to tell you this, but you are done. You just arent ready to admit it yet.


I agree. Just from what you post here it would seem from my perspective you have checked out of this marriage. He hit you, you retaliated with some cheating and now sounds like you're repulsed by him. When you can't stand his touch any longer it's not good. Since you're already in MC I would say stay that route. You may have to accept that this marriage is over. You both have done some hurtful things to each other.....sometimes that just can't be fixed


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> *Why can't I admit it? Why can't I let go? *I always had problems with letting go. *People could be mean to me but I won't let go. I often think I had to do something to them, instead of admitting that maybe it is them. *I don't like to get flowers, bc I can't stand to see them die. I kept our Christmas tree 4 months alive just bc I could not throw it away and let it die. I take bugs out of our house, because of the same reason.
> *I just don't understand what it is with me that I can't let go...
> *
> My husband was abusive to me physically, but he learned and he is not same way anymore. He is still controlling and emotionally abusive but it is so much better compare to what was years ago.
> ...


I think you are getting close to the issues that are blocking you from feeling free to walk a path towards happiness and fulfillment.

I think that you are getting close to what has tied you, emotionally, to this relationship that has caused and continues to cause you so much pain.

Many, many people react the same way to bad behavior from others, and easily cast blame on themselves. Many, many people struggle with leaving, when they know, rationally, it is the only healthy and just thing to do. So, you are not alone. You just need to figure out why you have been having this trouble too, and what you can do about it.

There are answers, and they will set you free.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

I have not read every post here but what is holding you together? Are you too old to start anew? Do you have children?

You should insist on IC and MC.

Can you affect your husband in some positive fashion? What do you share? Can you talk to him about sex?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Does your husband know about the affair?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

Thank you all. My husband does not physically abuse me anymore. After MC together, he knows I would walk away. I feel pretty strong about that.
He does not know about cheating. I went to see my IC and my MC right after it happen, and both of them advised me not to say anything and learn from my mistake. My MC therapist also knows my husband and said it would be best this way.

Recently, my husband were out of country for almost 3 weeks. This was the longest time apart. I hoped I would miss him, I hoped I would not like to be alone in our house for so long...But I was fine after first night. I felt more relaxed bc there was noone to tell me what to do or to argue with. There was no criticism and sarcastic remarks. I liked being on my own and it surprised me because until then I did not know. 
Maybe I did not miss him so much bc I knew he is coming back and we talked almost every day. I don't know but he kept telling me how much he misses me very often. 
The day when he was coming back, he called and asked if I am excited about him being home soon. I said yes but was not sure about it. I did not want to hurt his feelings. I just know that when my family and friends were coming to see us, I was much more excited about that. What is wrong with me?
Now, a week after him being home, we already argue, he is already unhappy in his job and everything is just the way it was before.

We have no children but we both want them.

We are not old-old. I am in my early 30s but it feels too old for starting again. I also feeling very guilty for wasting my husband's years with me. I feel like I cannot leave him also because of that. It is like I own him to stay because I took his best years from him. It is hard to explain. We leave in foreign country and have no family here. It is just me and him. He is all I know since I was young girl. 
My MC therapist told me that by missing a father's figure in my teen years did some damage. I don't know.
I will continue MC. It helps my sanity for sure. 

We have no children, but we both want them.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Has your husband gotten rid of his bad breath? 

Don't be afraid of entertaining the idea of divorce.


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## MyTurn (Oct 27, 2013)

AG,
it's time to grow up! What you are feeling is guilt ! 

You feel this way because you did the only thing he asked you not to do "cheat" , and you LIED about it. You guys are living a LIE.

As time goes by and he changes for better , your guilt gets bigger and bigger AND NOW YOU ARE AFRAID.

As long as you keep it a secret from him,you will never be able to feel comfortable around him or even less "in love" with him.

My advice is to tell him the truth. Ask him, to come with you to your next MC, b/c you have something you need to tell him.
Tell him everything.Be honest with him and answer every question he has truthfully .


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## Notthatgreat (Apr 10, 2014)

I feel your pain...I've been married 29 years and beaches of poor hygiene I'm not fond of kissing my husband either. He has cheated a few times in our marriage abut I haven't. Lately I have been verity attracted to a man 17 years my senior but nothing has never happened. Sometimes you fall in a rut and when a woman becomes a certain age her body and mind goes through changes. You know have to think about if your marriage can bounce back.


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## Stevenj (Mar 26, 2014)

Have you tried hall sex? When you pass each other in the hall you say to him f____ you. He looks back at you and says f______ you too.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

MyTurn said:


> AG,
> it's time to grow up! What you are feeling is guilt !
> 
> You feel this way because you did the only thing he asked you not to do "cheat" , and you LIED about it. You guys are living a LIE.
> ...



AG,

Whenever anyone so assertively tells someone what that someone is feeling and/or why, it makes me very skeptical.

I would trust your MC and IC over any advice on the internet. 

Consider anyone's advice you want, of course, and learn what you can from the viewpoints of others, including that in the post I quoted above if you like. Not my place to get in anyone's way.

But please recognize, respect, and never forget this:

*Your husband has physically abused you.*
*Your safety should be your number one concern.*

He continues to verbally abuse you.
That is adding additional damage to your ability to 
see his actions for what they are, and your feelings
for what they are.

His continued verbal abuse keeps him just one
step away from escalating to physical violence
again (if you consider that escalation... verbal
abuse is damaging on its own).​
Even if you decide it is important to reveal the truth to him, you would be taking a very big risk doing it alone, in the privacy of your own home. Your MC and IC should both be consulted on how best to disclose the affair, way in advance, without your husband knowing.


If anyone missed it, here is what she said earlier:



AwfullyGuilty said:


> My husband was abusive years before I cheated. He did not just grab my shoulder. He slapped my face when he kept criticize me and I made my mistake of calling him "names". This did not happen once...He grabbed me by neck at the store just because I wanted to buy something for $5 and he did not agree. He had anger problems and I provoked him. Since that, I learned my lesson. I don't call him names anymore and he knows if he ever puts his hand on me - I will leave him.
> What did not change completely is the way he treats me - as if I was a little stupid child. His ways are best ways and blame is always on me.
> But - whatever he did in the past - it is not excuse for what I did. That's on me. I felt alone, I choose to fulfill my need somewhere else. My mistake.
> He tries his best now, so am I. It is just hard when you don't feel attraction toward your spouse and when you try to concentrate on his inner qualities - you find angry and negative man 3-4 days a week. It is hard to ignore his remarks when they happen often and he knows exactly what he does since I told him before.



The guilt you feel about considering leaving him is something anyone can feel. I feel it as I consider leaving my wife. I never cheated or lied. She did.


I wouldn't be surprised if the guilt you feel is pretty common for folks who have been abused, and part of what keeps them trapped. Maybe someone who has suffered abuse like yours will chime in with some perspective on that.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Piece of sky is correct...

Guilt is what keeps you stuck. Guilting many times is used as a psychological weapon in controlling abuse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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