# 4th night of marriage counseling



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Well, we will go to our 4th nine of mc tonight. My h is also doing personal counseling with the same guy. We have come to the conclusion that my h is very co-dependent and that he doesn't know how to deal with his emotions (sadness, happiness, anger). His emotions are all or nothing. He needs to "man-up" - become more independent, confident, be able to stick up for himself. The counselor is working on him with that, but I do understand that it is going to be a long process, no matter how quickly my h thinks he can make these changes. He is 36 years old and is just now figuring out that he has a problem. 

Anyway, we go in about 2 hours and I'm not looking forward to it. Experiencing anxiety about it already because we can't seem to be together for more than 30 minutes before fighting. I admit that most of that is my fault at this point. I have built up so much anger and resentment toward my h that I just can't stand to be around him. I've tried to work through that, but am not getting very far. I've already told him I want to separate, but the counselor suggested not to move out. He thinks that is just delaying divorce. The only reason my h finally came around and wanted to work on our marriage was because I finally quit and wanted to move out. Then it was like it really meant something to him. 

We have only been married 10 months, but it has been like this from the start of our marriage. He became very distant. Then he moved out to the couch. Now, we haven't had sex since October. I am very lonely. I find myself wanting to be with someone else. I know my h is very sad and lonely, too. But, we are not happy together and I don't know how to be happy with him again. 

I seriously want to be done with this. We made a mistake. I made a mistake in marrying him. We are not happy. And I can admit that I was never truly physically attracted to my h. I thought that being in love would cause that attraction, and it did for a while, but then when things got bad there was nothing to fall back on. I am not turned on by him in any way, and don't know if I can every truly be again. For a time, I guess it was ok. But, never great. My h has no idea how to be aggressive, how to satisfy a woman, and I don't even know if he knows how to satisfy himself. 

We had a huge blowup this past weekend and I threw stuff at my h and hit him in the arm. I am sorry about it. It is not who I am, and I don't like this person I've turned into. Yet, he still makes me feel guilty when I say it is time to end this. I don't think he knows how to live his life without me now. His whole happiness depends on me, and that is a lot for one person to deal with.

I guess I just don't know what to do or where to turn now. I'm thinking about getting a house. I just need someone to talk to who won't judge me for the things I've said and done.


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