# I'm too cerebral to get into sex



## AussieJack (Sep 14, 2010)

I'm seeking advice from all because I seem to have a rare problem. I don't seem to get the essence of sex. This is currently causing quite a large rift between my wife and myself as I thought that I was "adequate" (although this might be generous) when of course I should be much better in bed. I constantly overthink what I'm doing rather than feeling how good it is.

After several discussions with the wife about this I'm looking for fresh perspective because it's causing her quite a bit of hurt (due to me not "wanting" her more) and I'm looking for a bit more in the bedroom too because I'm craving some more time with her having fun.

But for the life of me I just can't get my head around it. It's not low libido because I'd be up for it every day of the week, have wonderful fantasies about my wife but I can't just seem to get in a space where I can either put my thoughts into action or give her the loving she deserves. For years I've gotten away with a "clinical" performance (do this, and then this, and then this in a robot like fashion) and we both orgasm through this - but I'm not wholy present in the moment and we both know it.

So how do I do it? How do I get out of my head? Yes, I've lived there for my whole life and have a developed an overwhelming sense of self-control that allows me to analyse all my emotions before deciding what to express and I think this is what is holding me back.

So has anyone else had issues with this because any advice to help me sort this out would be great. Because I feel like a complete and utter freak who can't do what should be in everyones nature.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

AussieJack said:


> So how do I do it? How do I get out of my head? Yes, I've lived there for my whole life and have a developed an overwhelming sense of self-control that allows me to analyse all my emotions before deciding what to express and I think this is what is holding me back.


And this hasn't caused you Performance issues? Usually when the guy is NOT in the moment, but focusing on other things -what he should be doing, going through the motions, usually this would physically show, causing erection difficulties. 

If not, are you sure you really aren't there ? Maybe this is more of your wife feeling you aren't there cause she is wanting "more" or other "new" spontaneous things from you and it has caused you a complex , is now playing on your mind, but you said it has always been this way. 

I am a major thinker myself, have even been called "Cerebral" on a few occasions. LOVE & live to analyze, but I don't think it has ever hurt me in the bedroom. 

I just think it would cause erection problems if you was not there in the moment, maybe others can relate. After all, I am not a guy.


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## AussieJack (Sep 14, 2010)

Nope - never had an erection problem in my life. In some ways I'd welcome that because then I could go and seek help for something tangible.

It's funny how - after posting - I'm reading other peoples stories and it's all starting to make sense. I'm the passive one (I use the words boring, plain or old) in the relationship but for an intelligent guy (my curse it seems) I can't seem to find how to flip this.

I think we're going to get to this in the counselling (we've had the first - but it was more like a pep talk) but I just hope it isn't too late. Yes - I've missed this for over 10 years (100% factor in my upbringing) but even now I can't seem to push past this.

Ironically I'm actually tempted to try - but where the wife and I are at the moment I don't dare. But again - is this my passivity rearing it's head?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

do you and your wife spend enough time getting "prepared" for sex, like take a bath together or drink some wine....create the appropriate surroundings? maybe you just need more time to build up to it and less time over thinking about it.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

okeydokie said:


> do you and your wife spend enough time getting "prepared" for sex, like take a bath together or drink some wine....create the appropriate surroundings? maybe you just need more time to build up to it and less time over thinking about it.



:smthumbup:


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## AussieJack (Sep 14, 2010)

Funny how finally getting this out there makes you see things in a different light. That and reading some other material that I wish I had read a LONG time ago.

I'm a quintessentially a nice guy in the Robert Glover sense (No More Mr. Nice Guy! - The Nice Guy Syndrome). Honestly now - too bloody nice. In everything I do I put myself in the backseat and make other people happy. And this is what I now suspect is happening in the bedroom - that is I do what I can to make my wife "pleasured" but can't get myself out of the backseat to have my needs met (shocker of a metaphor and I apologise).

Unfortunately while it's taken me a long while to admit this - it's probably an even longer road to change this. But at least I can see this and really work on it.

Has anyone else seen this nice guy stuff and can comment?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

AussieJack said:


> Has anyone else seen this nice guy stuff and can comment?


research a poster on here named BigBadWolf, and read some of his threads.


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## mommyof31982 (Sep 6, 2010)

seems like you need to loosen up and set your brain aside. like someone mentioned maybe get a great bottle of wine and share it with her- set your mind free a little. since you are an intelligent type maybe read a book on tantric sex or massage just to give you some new things to try in the bedroom. or maybe try some of those (seemingly cheesy) "adult" dice or board games together. It does seem corny at first but it can turn into a whole lot of fun.


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## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

AussieJack said:


> Funny how finally getting this out there makes you see things in a different light. That and reading some other material that I wish I had read a LONG time ago.
> 
> I'm a quintessentially a nice guy in the Robert Glover sense (No More Mr. Nice Guy! - The Nice Guy Syndrome). Honestly now - too bloody nice. In everything I do I put myself in the backseat and make other people happy. And this is what I now suspect is happening in the bedroom - that is I do what I can to make my wife "pleasured" but can't get myself out of the backseat to have my needs met (shocker of a metaphor and I apologise).
> 
> ...


That is the book that helped me do a 180 in my life. Read it. Common nice guy problems:

They are people pleasers. They try to do everything for everyone.....except themselves.

They are over thinkers. They will think a thing into the ground instead of just doing it.

They are doormats. They will let people walk all over them and not stand up for themselves.

They are conflict-avoidant. They will do anything they can to avoid an argument. (kind of dove tails with the previous point). However, after they take too much they "victim puke" and go off the deep end over something small. They (we) are also passive aggressive. The silent treatment is a biggie when they are pissed off.

If that sounds like you. Read the book and DO the exercises.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi

sharing

It sounds like it could be about emotional issues and or your concern about feeling things. Etc. Are you thinking logical about it when need to be in the moment? 

Are you concerned with how you are and feel? PErformance-sometimes that can come from emotional and or relational issues. It is true that cerebral doesn't work in sex necesssarily as far as logical is concern

Changing involves choose to do it and the feelings follow-change would involve not always thinking about it logically-

What do you think?

Judith


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"So how do I do it? How do I get out of my head?" 

Alcohol. Seriously, you need to just relax. Sex can be extremely romantic but it can also be just fun and playful. I just completely focus on one thing at a time. If I'm kissing her, all attention is on that moment. If I'm caressing her right leg, all attention is there. The house could burn down around me and I'd miss it. Maybe you're starting too soon, before your relaxed enough to shut everything else out. Take a walk with her, take a bath, some soothing music, a couple drinks wouldn't hurt. There are probably lots of things you do every day that require total concentration. How do you focus on those?


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