# How To Stop Romanticizing...



## sczinger

I have to stop romanticizing about my EWW. It was easier earlier in the process when I was angry and sad and confused and vengeful and all that came from processing the fact that the woman that I loved and worshiped so much was actually capable of betrayal. Now, almost a year after DDay and her departure, I still find myself remembering the fun, intimate times that only she and I shared and how now they mean absolutely nothing to her.... Then, from the back of my skull, comes the logical me running up to the front of my skull, somewhere just behind my nose, pounding on the inside of my forehead and yelling "Hey, she cheated on you!!! How could you possibly still have romantic feelings for her? STOP IT!!" Just triggers, especially going into the holiday season, I guess. They are few, and far between, but when they strike, it's very concentrated and a moment of sheer sadness that I really hate. Just venting... Thanks for being here. All of you.


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## Evinrude58

How to fix it:

Fall in love with a more beautiful, more loyal woman. Problem solved.

Right now your EWW is “special” in your mind.

One of these days, you’ll see her as she really is. Usually that happens after you’ve gotten feelings for other women.


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## BluesPower

sczinger said:


> I have to stop romanticizing about my EWW. It was easier earlier in the process when I was angry and sad and confused and vengeful and all that came from processing the fact that the woman that I loved and worshiped so much was actually capable of betrayal. Now, almost a year after DDay and her departure, I still find myself remembering the fun, intimate times that only she and I shared and how now they mean absolutely nothing to her.... Then, from the back of my skull, comes the logical me running up to the front of my skull, somewhere just behind my nose, pounding on the inside of my forehead and yelling "Hey, she cheated on you!!! How could you possibly still have romantic feelings for her? STOP IT!!" Just triggers, especially going into the holiday season, I guess. They are few, and far between, but when they strike, it's very concentrated and a moment of sheer sadness that I really hate. Just venting... Thanks for being here. All of you.


Are you in any type of therapy? At all? If you are time to switch therapists.

Look what can any of us do to get you to move on. 

The time you were with her was wasted, and the year since she left has been wasted. 

I get that you loved her, but you loved a skank, I mean you get that right? 

Time to move on, some how...


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## Affaircare

@sczinger, 

I can really relate to what you're saying. When my exH cheated on me and left me and the kids, I used to miss him too. But you know what I realized one day? The man I was missing wasn't the real him per se...it was the man I * thought * he was. 

See, "the man I thought he was" wasn't real. The "man I thought he was" was what I wished he was, what I hoped for and dreamed of, and an illusion I created. I wanted someone who loved me, was an honest man, was hard-working and ambitious, was a family man, was faithful and true. That's who I saw when I looked at him, but that wasn't REALLY him. I had created an illusion. 

In real life he did not love me, and I'm not being mean there. He did not treat me in a kind and loving way, nor did he look out for my best interests. He was not honest--in fact he hid a lot of his life from me, his inner thoughts, etc. and instead projected an "image" so he'd look good to others. He was a work-a-holic but he cheated in his business rather than working well and getting ahead. He left me to take care of the kids and get them to all their events and help them with school, etc. and usually acted as if we interrupted him. And boy he most definitely was NOT faithful and true! He loved to chase skirts, and I just wished/wanted him to want to settle down with me. 

Sooooo...I did not miss "the real him." The real him was unloving, dishonest, a crooked businessman, didn't love children, and unfaithful. See how that is not in line with what I was missing? Truth be told, I was missing THE ILLUSION. I missed what I thought I had...what I wished I had. 

Is it possible that's what you miss too?


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## Andy1001

sczinger said:


> I have to stop romanticizing about my EWW. It was easier earlier in the process when I was angry and sad and confused and vengeful and all that came from processing the fact that the woman that I loved and worshiped so much was actually capable of betrayal. Now, almost a year after DDay and her departure, I still find myself remembering the fun, intimate times that only she and I shared and how now they mean absolutely nothing to her.... Then, from the back of my skull, comes the logical me running up to the front of my skull, somewhere just behind my nose, pounding on the inside of my forehead and yelling "Hey, she cheated on you!!! How could you possibly still have romantic feelings for her? STOP IT!!" Just triggers, especially going into the holiday season, I guess. They are few, and far between, but when they strike, it's very concentrated and a moment of sheer sadness that I really hate. Just venting... Thanks for being here. All of you.


Every time you think of, her picture her with some guys penis in her mouth.
Every.Single.Time.


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## sunsetmist

Hey, you should have had good memories, but they should be superceded by the truth. There were good times or you would not have been married to her. Grieve over the fact that they meant more to you than her. Holidays are hard. Don't focus on the past.

In time, you will make better memories, new truths, better times. It's normal to wish that your dream for the future would have come to fruition. I've been there--put in a lot of effort, tears, too. Know she'll never find the dedication you offered--when you've given your all, it should be enough. Many of us know your angst. Life is not fair. There aren't real answers to your questions.

But be assured you will be a better man from what you've been through. Better times are in your future--I promise.


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## jorgegene

It simply takes time. More time than youve given so far but it does happen.
I reminisced about ex for years, not months.

I just simply knew it had to be and I had to let go.

It took all the strength I had and then some, but I did let her go.

Say goodbye to her in your minds eye. Squeeze her hand tightly, look up to the stars at night and then slowly
E ase your grip and let her go. Shed as many tears as you need. Say one last goodbye and then resolve to never
Contact her again.

That's what I did.


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## Openminded

It's a process and everyone is different so it can take awhile -- and longer than you think it should -- to completely move on. Eventually logic will win but emotions don't let go easily. Part of you is still grieving and that's okay. Just don't hold onto that.


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## oldshirt

I have fond memories and remember some fun times from my high school GF over 30 years ago. 

But they are just memories like graduation and playing football and putting the car in the ditch. There is no emotional significance or investment. 

The reason there is no emotional investment is her bad behavior lead me to detach and I went on to create a new life and new memories. 

Get out and create a new fulfilling life. Do fun and significant things. Reconnect with some old friends and get out and meet new ones. 

Date other women and appreciate them for their own unique qualities; don't judge them against your X.


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## SunCMars

Why is it you must erase the good feelings to get rid of the bad?

You had great times with a loving, sexy woman.
A woman who was your wife.

She was great.
Fun to be with, fun to make love to, to stroke and kiss.

Those are great memories, keep them.

She can never take them away. 
Nor can her affair partner, nor any new man she latches onto.

Those are yours.

Pull them out and ogle them, now and again.

Picture you holding her in your arms, just after she gets out of the shower.
How nice she smelled.
Especially her soft chest and her love pot.
She did smell nice.

When you get angry, or anxious, or jealous of what she did, is doing, remember those times.

Anyone who tells you otherwise is not being helpful.
Good is good, it cannot be erased by bad.

It can only overshadowed by bad, if you let it happen.

Just remember, there will be other women, other showers, other scents.
Those too, will be yours to remember, to savor.

Rest your mind on this.
Rest you tongue on them.

Keep in mind, those memories will fade, all memories, good and bad do.


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## Spicy

One of the things my XH was constantly saying during our divorce, (demanded by me) was that I wanted to erase all of our good memories, essentially our lives. That was completely, utterly untrue. I love all our good memories from over 20 years. 

I just couldn’t be married to him anymore.

So I personally think it is ok to cherish the good memories, but go on to build new ones in your life, and with your next spouse if you intend to remarry. I also am in the camp that you don’t have to hate your ex. You can hate what they did, hate the effects and results, without harboring that intense hate. Frankly, it is exhausting and focusing on such a negative thing, too much of the time. The relationship is over, life has gone on. Look forward, focusing on the positives, instead of drowning in the negatives and/or hate.

Time, and new love and interests will help you heal sweetheart. These are just my opinions on what helps me, they may or may not help you...we are all so different.


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## SunCMars

Spicy said:


> One of the things my XH was constantly saying during our divorce, (demanded by me) was that I wanted to erase all of our good memories, essentially our lives. That was completely, utterly untrue. I love all our good memories from over 20 years.
> 
> I just couldn’t be married to him anymore.
> 
> So I personally think it is ok to cherish the good memories, but go on to build new ones in your life, and with your next spouse if you intend to remarry. I also am in the camp that you don’t have to hate your ex. You can hate what they did, hate the effects and results, without harboring that intense hate. Frankly, it is exhausting and focusing on such a negative thing, too much of the time. The relationship is over, life has gone on. Look forward, focusing on the positives, instead of drowning in the negatives and/or hate.
> 
> Time, and new love and interests will help you heal sweetheart. These are just my opinions on what helps me, they may or may not help you...we are all so different.


Amen!

Leave the B-men in the past.


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## sokillme

sczinger said:


> I have to stop romanticizing about my EWW. It was easier earlier in the process when I was angry and sad and confused and vengeful and all that came from processing the fact that the woman that I loved and worshiped so much was actually capable of betrayal. Now, almost a year after DDay and her departure, I still find myself remembering the fun, intimate times that only she and I shared and how now they mean absolutely nothing to her.... Then, from the back of my skull, comes the logical me running up to the front of my skull, somewhere just behind my nose, pounding on the inside of my forehead and yelling "Hey, she cheated on you!!! How could you possibly still have romantic feelings for her? STOP IT!!" Just triggers, especially going into the holiday season, I guess. They are few, and far between, but when they strike, it's very concentrated and a moment of sheer sadness that I really hate. Just venting... Thanks for being here. All of you.


Like your last post, some of this is just time and healing. 

Romanticize the times and feelings, not the person. After all you can have those types of things with lots of people. You may even have that better with someone else. You have the ability to enjoy those newness butterfly type feeling that we get when it's new again. That is something to look forward to, though you are going to have to wait until is happens. 

Romanticize people about things like honor, sacrifice and such (Character). Those qualities are rare in people and deserve to be cherished. Your ex didn't have those qualities, she was just kind of a run of the mill live for myself person. When you served her in that way she was with you, when she found that in someone else she is with him. When and if she finds something else she will do that same to the new guy. There is NO romance in that just broken desperation. 

When you think about her think about her actions, not your history. Think about who she is as a person, not what you guys did together. She sucks. When it comes to romance itself she has no value.

Also posting on SI is going to bring you down because, though there are some good posters, a large majority of people on that site have no desire to be anything but stuck in their misery. You need to be with proactive forward thinking people, especially in this time were there is a danger of you getting stuck in that cycle.


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## SunCMars

Andy1001 said:


> Every time you think of, her picture her with some guys penis in her mouth.
> Every.Single.Time.


Now, Andy...
Be nice. :smile2:

The thing is....

Some men love their WW or EXWW, so much they would only see her smile.
Uh, before and after she had her frankfurter.

Love can be a very strong emotion.

One's quotient is on a sliding scale, with love on one end, hate on the other.
The more love one can generate, the less hate, and vice-versa.

Sweet souls cannot hate. 
Mean SOBs have little love in them.


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## WorkingWife

You have some good advice from others here, I particularly agree that when you start forming new memories with new people, the pain of missing her will fade. It will be great to find a new love, but even just platonic friends and family can be a wonderful to fill the void while you wait to find a good fit.

But mostly I want to say -- reading your post it occurs to me that you are blessed by your attitude and mind that the bad memories fade for you and the good ones remain. I think that's a good thing, not bad. 

It's much better for your mental health and well being to ruminate on good memories than bad ones. You don't have to become a bitter, resentful person like some people in your situation do.

Just don't let yourself run around lovesick over her. If you're not, get out there and start making new memories and having new experiences with people you care about. And be careful, but not paranoid, when judging the character of a new love. 




sczinger said:


> I have to stop romanticizing about my EWW. It was easier earlier in the process when I was angry and sad and confused and vengeful and all that came from processing the fact that the woman that I loved and worshiped so much was actually capable of betrayal. Now, almost a year after DDay and her departure, I still find myself remembering the fun, intimate times that only she and I shared and how now they mean absolutely nothing to her.... Then, from the back of my skull, comes the logical me running up to the front of my skull, somewhere just behind my nose, pounding on the inside of my forehead and yelling "Hey, she cheated on you!!! How could you possibly still have romantic feelings for her? STOP IT!!" Just triggers, especially going into the holiday season, I guess. They are few, and far between, but when they strike, it's very concentrated and a moment of sheer sadness that I really hate. Just venting... Thanks for being here. All of you.


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## Andy1001

SunCMars said:


> Now, Andy...
> Be nice. :smile2:
> 
> The thing is....
> 
> Some men love their WW or EXWW, so much they would only see her smile.
> Uh, before and after she had her frankfurter.
> 
> Love can be a very strong emotion.
> 
> One's quotient is on a sliding scale, with love on one end, hate on the other.
> The more love one can generate, the less hate, and vice-versa.
> 
> Sweet souls cannot hate.
> Mean SOBs have little love in them.


I was being nice.
You definitely don’t want to hear my advice for getting over an unrequited crush.


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## SunCMars

This whole business of not romanticizing our relationships is nonsense.

Romance is the spice of life.

Yes, yes, pick worthy people to think warm thoughts about, to cluck, about

To dream, about.

Dream about holding them in your arms. 
Feeling their curves push into your lack of curves.

Feeling their anxious warmth, starting at the hips, ending at your.....lips.

Give that up, you give up too much.

Part of the romance is the anticipation of what is going to happen next.


In respect to having a new relationship:

Do wear your heart on your sleeve.
Just do not leave your heart behind if things go south for the winter.

Remember, those do that head south, those that do not work out, they are not the only source of love and love's heat.

Savor the heat, savor the sharing, savor life as given.


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## jlg07

I think affaircare had it correct -- you are remembering your history through your rose-colored glasses -- that wasn't the "real" her, just your idolized version.
You KNOW what she is now, try to put THAT filter on and view your past. Doesn't negate that YOU had fun and have good feelings from that, but they probably were NOT viewed that way by her.


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## sunsetmist

This thread has given me a new perspective, I guess. My narcissist Ex decided early on after marriage to make my life as difficult as possible. This was after a wonderful two-year courtship. Sure there were some good times, but they were minimal compared to the overall 25 years and usually included the children--not me alone. So, I have something to be thankful for in an unusual kind of way. My sadness involved the rejection as a wife and all that involves, not the loss of many years of good memories.


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## sczinger

jlg07 said:


> Doesn't negate that YOU had fun and have good feelings from that, but they probably were NOT viewed that way by her.



For 10 years? They can pretend to love you that long? Seems like so much work. LOL.


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## jlg07

sczinger said:


> For 10 years? They can pretend to love you that long? Seems like so much work. LOL.


I don't think that ALL of your memories with her are bad, and yeah 10 years would be a tremendously long time to "fake" it. I DO think that more recent stuff would be suspect -- she didn't just change overnight.

Simply put, who you remember her to be really WASN'T who she was -- if she was, she wouldn't have cheated on you.


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