# Now she wants to be together ??? Advice pls



## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

My w, whom I've been thinking of as a stbxw, also as my future wuzwife now tells me via email (her phone is down till Wednesday) she has made a big mistake, wants to live with me here in beautiful SF, loves me, misses me, and presumably will work on her issues. We've been living on opposite sides of the continent for less than three weeks. I don't miss her, am having fun dating, life as a single 
man is blissful, I sleep better.

I'll have a third date tonight with a woman I met via plentyoffish.com, she's young at heart, though not young, funny, ladylike but willing to curse when needed, very bright, her libido is strong. She's Jewish like me, with NYC roots, clearly affectionate, divorced for over five years. We have talked for hours and hours quite enjoyably and comfortably.

If anyone has insights please let me know, I know I'm way too close to my separation to see anything clearly, other than my desire to live in this beautiful interesting city.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Be more descriptive. I have no idea what to tell you otherwise.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

It's way too soon to (a) fall for another woman ("rebound romance") and (b) go back to your wife.

Being separtaed from your wife doesn't resolve all the issues that were there before. She may be willing to work on them but are you now that you see there is something else out there (not that your new friend is the "something else", but if you go back now, she will always be the ideal that your wife will probably never live up to.

Slow down on both sides and think about what you need in the marriage before committing.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

What would you lose by not having your wife join you? Besides the fresh ladies?

I think your wife woke up and found she was not the same without you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Powerbane said:


> What would you lose by not having your wife join you? Besides the fresh ladies?
> 
> I think your wife woke up and found she was not the same without you
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's probably true.

However, it doesn't resolve the past issues. Those need to be addressed/resolved first.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Aren't you the guy whose wife has a bipolar problem--unresolved?

I would steer clear of her until or unless she addresses this health issue in a permanent way. Otherwise? The drama will continue endlessly.

Moving a continent away sounds reasonable to me if you are making a clean break.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

She's not bipolar, this stbxw is OCD and is dealing with depression and lack of libido.

I am a continent away, she's on the east coast, I'm on the west.



michzz said:


> Aren't you the guy whose wife has a bipolar problem--unresolved?
> 
> I would steer clear of her until or unless she addresses this health issue in a permanent way. Otherwise? The drama will continue endlessly.
> 
> Moving a continent away sounds reasonable to me if you are making a clean break.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

What's the hurry? Hold off on the divorce if there are no impediments to doing so - and presuming this idea interests you at some point. But for now? Keep doing what you're doing. It's beneficial, particularly should you think about trying to reconcile.

Tell her you think that's wonderful, and you would be willing to consider it - but not now. Now, it just seems like a knee-jerk reaction because she is lonely and hurting. It's cheap.

Support her in the idea of working on herself. But she needs to do that for herself, for more than a few weeks, and importantly, apart from you.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

Deejo,

I think your advice is excellent - there is no reason to move quickly on divorce or reconciliation, she is a good person who needs to figure out what is going on in her mind.

Thanks.

QUOTE=Deejo;220385]What's the hurry? Hold off on the divorce if there are no impediments to doing so - and presuming this idea interests you at some point. But for now? Keep doing what you're doing. It's beneficial, particularly should you think about trying to reconcile.

Tell her you think that's wonderful, and you would be willing to consider it - but not now. Now, it just seems like a knee-jerk reaction because she is lonely and hurting. It's cheap.

Support her in the idea of working on herself. But she needs to do that for herself, for more than a few weeks, and importantly, apart from you.[/QUOTE]


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I agree with Chris and Deejo - any woman, right now, even if she's wonderful just might be a rebound thing - be careful there - a lot of people marry those rebounds and realize later that's what it was and they are stuck.

As Deejo said, tell the STBX that its great that she is looking at improving herself and solving her problems and that you're happy for her. But - she needs to do them on her own and for herself and by herself - being with you will just let her go back to the "old ways."

And, I think it says a LOT if you are happier and more fulfilled without her - that might be your answer when you have more time apart and more time to think about it. Absence is supposed to make the heart grow fonder, not colder - make sure you remember that when you're ready to make a decision one way or the other.

And I'm glad things are going so great for you in San Fran. I was born and raised in Cali, it can be a great place to live.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

ThinkTooMuch said:


> My w, whom I've been thinking of as a stbxw, also as my future wuzwife now tells me via email (her phone is down till Wednesday) she has made a big mistake, wants to live with me here in beautiful SF, loves me, misses me, and presumably will work on her issues. We've been living on opposite sides of the continent for less than three weeks. I don't miss her, am having fun dating, life as a single
> man is blissful, I sleep better.
> 
> I'll have a third date tonight with a woman I met via plentyoffish.com, she's young at heart, though not young, funny, ladylike but willing to curse when needed, very bright, her libido is strong. She's Jewish like me, with NYC roots, clearly affectionate, divorced for over five years. We have talked for hours and hours quite enjoyably and comfortably.
> ...


My personal opinion, you had tried to let your wife understand what you wanted and needed, at that time, she just ignored and didn't do much to change her life for you, she just wanted you to get over it. 

Now you throw her the problem of divorce, she realized that she is going to lose you, and she doesn't want to lose you. Don't you find some people are too slow to realize their problems and failures. 

Once our feeling is gone, then it is gone. Do you still have any romantic feeling for your wife? If you don't, will going back to her make you a happier man? 

Slowing down the road of finding another woman is a smart idea. We shouldn't rush into anything impulsively.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Ask her to hold off for now. You're on your own now, and I think your digging it. Work on yourself for awhile, and when you've done that, then think about the stbxw.
Honestly, I think she found that there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and now realizes that you were not such a bad guy after all.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The biggest issue here is a simple one. Will your W actually prioritize YOUR happiness if she comes to SF? 

You gave her a LONG warning period and it seemed like she was willing to precipice dance with you up until the point where you left her behind. 

Does she really feel badly about how she treated you? Or does she simply want to be together mostly on her terms?




ThinkTooMuch said:


> My w, whom I've been thinking of as a stbxw, also as my future wuzwife now tells me via email (her phone is down till Wednesday) she has made a big mistake, wants to live with me here in beautiful SF, loves me, misses me, and presumably will work on her issues. We've been living on opposite sides of the continent for less than three weeks. I don't miss her, am having fun dating, life as a single
> man is blissful, I sleep better.
> 
> I'll have a third date tonight with a woman I met via plentyoffish.com, she's young at heart, though not young, funny, ladylike but willing to curse when needed, very bright, her libido is strong. She's Jewish like me, with NYC roots, clearly affectionate, divorced for over five years. We have talked for hours and hours quite enjoyably and comfortably.
> ...


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I still can't believe you up and left her behind. A part of me thinks, good for you, it's about time! Another part thinks you're a scoundrel, she so needed you.

You know what you need and it looks as though you're getting that. If you truly want her to change, you have to give her a chance to come to terms with what it is you truly want in a relationship with a woman and so I would recommend more time. Be careful and tread lightly though, certainly she deserves a chance to change and I hope you will be willing to meet her half way (not geographically but mentally).


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

What ever you do, make sure to work on your issues too. Your wife had many but so did you, serious health issues I believe. Be as honest as you can in answering the question. What kind of person did you need to be to help her to deal with her isues? Could you have been more understanding less self- centered. Could the outcome have been different if you were the person you needed to be? Did you feel you were entitled at any point, did you appreciate what she did? 

I have read some of your post and I am impressed by how dysfunctional the woman you feel in love with and married is portrayed by you. You seem very angry with her. I have no sense that you have even considered that you could have a role in the deterioration of the relationship. To be blunt, I wonder how she handled your health issues that seemed to have had a profound effect on your functioning physically It must have effected her too, but how?

It is also interesting that you seem to have little concern about the effect of your health on a future relationship. You are going headlong into finding a relationship when your life is in the state of flux. It's amazing to me that you have not reflected on you issues and the effect they will have on a relationship with a new person. Do you tell the women that you are dating all of the things you are dealing with at this point? Most women would hold off dating some who is separated for a few weeks unless they are themselves desperate and most would give careful thought to getting involved with a man with health issues. Of course if these women seem ok with these things then I would carefully consider why they are so careless what does it say about them? 

I think if you avoid looking deeper into your issues you are destined to fail in a new relationship. It does matter if you deal with them in your old relationship or with a new one but deal with them you must. If things with your wife are over, be honest with her and tell her so. Do you think you should make a clean break with your wife before dating other woman? Why date someone when you are not really able to be emotionally available to them? I can understand your excitement but what about them are they looking for long-term and do your really think that you can give them that? You sound as if you want casual relationships, if that is the case, do these women know. Why bring another person in with the great likelihood of not be able to give them what they need?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

Catherine,

I regret what I wrote led you to the conclusions you post here.

You don't have enough information, you don't have access to the hours I've spent with a counselor, the 50,000 to 100,000+ words I've written, edited & shared with loving friends, friends who know the woman in question, unsolicited statements my adult children make about how much she has changed, long phone calls, or, for that matter numerous discussions my someday wuzwife and I have had. She has been refusing for years to deal with issues left over from childhood, she has work issues similar to the issues she has with me, and there comes a point where years of love, support, caring, patience, just run out. 

Please believe me when I say friends who know us well, friends who were here friends first, think I was a very supportive, caring husband and express concerns over wuzwife's changes these past few years.

My overall health is pretty damn good, despite a neurological condition that impacts walking distances over 50' in the morning and 25' in the evening - not standing, not bodily functions, not thinking, not sex, not, not ... I'm in reasonable shape with a life expectancy from a day if get run over to 30+ years according to two very different doctors. 

I now have a personal trainer who is helping me improve core strength and stretch muscles tightened by too many years of not stretching, and muscles and joints that have overcompensated for my week leg. I ride a exercycle 30 minutes 3 days a week, it isn't easy, but it is getting easier.

You have not been privy to my thoughts about dating, I intentionally don't contact women who are very active outside of the gym. Please note that riding a scooter should be mandatory for any man who goes clothes shopping with a woman ;-) I've done this recently, we had a great time, the woman lives on the west coast.

You did figure out that I'm angry. A brilliant insight! I wonder why I'm angry, could it be because of rejection?, failure to make love for years? arbitrary rules that pop of out of nowhere? Being ignored when we are at home together? A very strong habit of turning on the TV when she sits at the kitchen table for a meal with me? Hmmmm - let us see - she knew my desire to move west since the first months we met, I did not take the best job in the world because she didn't want to move in '93, my mistake, I should have, compromising she strongly implied she would move later, then she decided her job, her computer games, her thousands of pounds of hoarded clothes, luggage, day packs, stationary, pens, broken furniture, stuff she would never use, and her parents were more important to her than me. We haven't had intercourse in over three years, and you wonder why I'm angry? Hope this helps you to understand.

Thanks for your concern.

Mark



Catherine602 said:


> What ever you do, make sure to work on your issues too. Your wife had many but so did you, serious health issues I believe. Be as honest as you can in answering the question. What kind of person did you need to be to help her to deal with her isues? Could you have been more understanding less self- centered. Could the outcome have been different if you were the person you needed to be? Did you feel you were entitled at any point, did you appreciate what she did?
> 
> I have read some of your post and I am impressed by how dysfunctional the woman you feel in love with and married is portrayed by you. You seem very angry with her. I have no sense that you have even considered that you could have a role in the deterioration of the relationship. To be blunt, I wonder how she handled your health issues that seemed to have had a profound effect on your functioning physically It must have effected her too, but how?
> 
> ...


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You stated you don't even miss her anymore and are much happier now. Move on, it's over on your part and trying to re-kindle what you both have (on your part) almost never works.

If you still missed her and wanted her, you would know right away, if you have to think about it then you have emotionally moved on already.

Thank her for a wonderful life together and wish her good luck but not with you at this point, this is just my opinion.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I suppose my reaction was to the present more than the past. It is obvious that you were exactly what you should have been to help her, OCD is a very resistant personality disorder to treat. Maybe now she will be able to get the help she needs. It seems to have taken the lost of you to deal with her issues. You seem to have sacrificed enough, now it's your time. 

Still my opinion is that you need to work out your anger even justified anger. Forgive your wife and let it go, it's for you not her if she is not in your life she is no longer subjected to your anger so it affects only you and people close to you. It may effect future relationships, anger needs an outlet and it is usually directed at the people closest to you. In essence, any women you have a relationship with may at some point disappoint you and you may get angry out of proportion to the offense. . She may continue in the relationship or settle because it's better than nothing but, I am certain you do not want a relationship with a woman who settles for you. In time she will loose the desire to be intimate and you are back where you started.

You skirted the issue of what you are looking for in a relationsip at this point Vs what the women you are dating are looking for and if you can honestly engage them emotionally given the recent move, health issues and being married still. There may seem to be no down side to getting involved from your end, but from their end maybe. I think when you start the habit of not being strait and honest in relationships you establish a parlttern. When you meet a woman that you are ready to form a lasting attachment you may not break the habit. If you don't present your real self the relationship is built on a shaky foundation, the person you really want will eventually get to know the real you and may or may not be able to connect. Of course this may not apply to you if these women are aware of all of these issures and chooses to continue dating you. 

Why not finish things with your wife first and then date, why risk hurting someone? None of this may fit your situation, if not forgive my intrusion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Catherine602 said:


> You skirted the issue of what you are looking for in a relationsip at this point Vs what the women you are dating are looking for and if you can honestly engage them emotionally given the recent move, health issues and being married still. There may seem to be no down side to getting involved from your end, but from their end maybe. I think when you start the habit of not being strait and honest in relationships you establish a parlttern. When you meet a woman that you are ready to form a lasting attachment you may not break the habit. If you don't present your real self the relationship is built on a shaky foundation, the person you really want will eventually get to know the real you and may or may not be able to connect. Of course this may not apply to you if these women are aware of all of these issures and chooses to continue dating you.
> 
> Why not finish things with your wife first and then date, why risk hurting someone? None of this may fit your situation, if not forgive my intrusion.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's an awful lot of speculation and a healthy dose of projection.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

Cheatinghubby,

Thanks for stating so clearly what should be obvious to me.

Catherine,

I can assure you that I am being honest and open with the women I've seen so far especially the one I've seen three times. I told her last night as well as during our previous dinners, calls and via emails that I am separated, and more details of my status than I've shared here even given TAM's anonymity. She is a mental health professional, really knows her stuff, has been divorced for well over five years and has dated a number of men this last year or two. 

She gave me the perfect opportunity last night to seduce her, I decided I did not want to make the statement that sharing her bed would involve at this time, especially as she has surgery planned in less than a week and will be out of action for at least a month, followed by more surgery - both orthopedic. I do not want to hurt people, especially someone whose company I'm enjoying. It may not come through on TAM, but I am a nice guy, perhaps, like others here, too nice for my own good. I really want to listen to my big head, not follow my small one - the latter has one goal and speaks loudly, he'd have me calling young women advertising on Craig's List.

If only "finishing" with my wife were easy, I would, in this day and age, especially without children from our marriage, there is no real hurry for us to go through the divorce process.

Although I am hoping for a committed relationship, I won't go through the legal process aka the M word if only because of Medicaid and how it goes after spouse's assets, google this or similar terms if you are married or contemplating marriage if you want to learn how much you have to "spend down". I can think of far more enjoyable ways to spend real money, as it is I'll be on the hook for my someday wuzwife for five years after the divorce is final, with nursing home costs in CT running in excess of $100,000 per year, this is not a cheery thought. 

As I write, I'm thinking it may make sense to hold on to the equity I have in my CT house if only to make it available in case she is stricken. I have long term care insurance that I have been paying for, she hasn't bought any. 















Catherine602 said:


> I suppose my reaction was to the present more than the past. It is obvious that you were exactly what you should have been to help her, OCD is a very resistant personality disorder to treat. Maybe now she will be able to get the help she needs. It seems to have taken the lost of you to deal with her issues. You seem to have sacrificed enough, now it's your time.
> 
> Still my opinion is that you need to work out your anger even justified anger. Forgive your wife and let it go, it's for you not her if she is not in your life she is no longer subjected to your anger so it affects only you and people close to you. It may effect future relationships, anger needs an outlet and it is usually directed at the people closest to you. In essence, any women you have a relationship with may at some point disappoint you and you may get angry out of proportion to the offense. . She may continue in the relationship or settle because it's better than nothing but, I am certain you do not want a relationship with a woman who settles for you. In time she will loose the desire to be intimate and you are back where you started.
> 
> ...


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

TTM you do sound like you have thought it out. I think you are kind to still worry about your wife and to be concerned enough about the woman you were seeing to think better of taking a role in the hay. Most men would not have given it a 2nd thought.

Please don't forget the anger issue. You sometimes don't sound angry enough and sometimes very angry. Read up about anger, I think it is very important to your future. I am not sure that you have not given too much and you have been drained as a result and that alone would make anyone angry. The necessity for continued responsibility for your wife is difficult I am sure, but does not help a sense of again being drained. 

Would thinking of it this way help you to put things in perspective?. You tried above and beyond the requirements of a husband friend and lover. Doesn't that make you a mench and should you not feel a sense of peace for maintaining that quality of character. Does thinking of all you have given in that way make it easier for you to move on from this and dissipating your anger. 

It will not be instant but maybe keeping a journal about your recovery would help. I sincerely wish you all the best in your new life and I admire your courage to overcome inertia and make such a big move.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Deejo said:


> That's an awful lot of speculation and a healthy dose of projection.


Yes but he is free to respond or not and he seems well able to handle what I wrote without rancor, which I appreciate. The dialog has confirmed to me yet again how important it is to get the full story before making assumptions, a lessen I have had to learn of late. And I thank you Thinktomuch

I have seen many instances of speculative advice wrapped up in the guise of expert knowledge on this forum. Much of it exposes the type of person the giver is and weakening the veracity of the advice. I am asking questions not stating that it is true or not. I think you should read over my post. Projection, by that I assume you mean that my questions and statements say more about my issues than his. Isn't that true of everyone? 

Don't all people pay attention to issues that most concern them? I believe we see the world through the prism of our experiences, there is no other primary input. We overcome our too narrow focus by communication. Listening to what other people write on this forum has facilitated my understanding of men that I never had before. I am able to see my relationship with my husband thru his eyes, i got there by exposing my biases and projections and by feedback from many people i was able to see how wrong I was. . 

Exposing my issues is a natural consequence of communication and offers me the chance to widen my horizons. That has happened since I have been reading the post here and communicating with people on this forum. I have no intension of stopping no matter who attempts to censure me. If I were reluctant to do so out of fear of revealing myself, I would never write or say anything.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

Catherine - thanks for your thanks and comprehension.

stb wuzwife called last night after finally getting the cable company to install its equivalent of a landline.

At long last she decided she would see a counselor and did, has agreed way too late that her life is out of control all over the place - work, marriage, eating, sleeping, shopping though she is feeding the cats regularly and cleaning the litter, and paying her bills. She is happy I'm enjoying SF as much as I am, and she would like to get back together. I told her that I am happier w/o her company, don't want her to visit, in essence I'll go along with framing our separation as an "experiment" - her counselor's suggestion - but don't see us together. I told her that I care about her, want her to be happy living the life she chose. I spoke with warmth, not with anger, I know she would not have chosen this path knowingly, it was her choice to listen but pooh pooh the concerns I expressed - OCD, denial, and narcissism are not a good combination for the sufferer or the spouse.

On Saturday afternoon, I'll entertain my new friend in my apartment at her request, it will be cool and raining, we'll play cards, perhaps a board game, who knows. I don't have a script, an agenda or a check list.



Catherine602 said:


> Yes but he is free to respond or not and he seems well able to handle what I wrote without rancor, which I appreciate. The dialog has confirmed to me yet again how important it is to get the full story before making assumptions, a lessen I have had to learn of late. And I thank you Thinktomuch
> 
> I have seen many instances of speculative advice wrapped up in the guise of expert knowledge on this forum. Much of it exposes the type of person the giver is and weakening the veracity of the advice. I am asking questions not stating that it is true or not. I think you should read over my post. Projection, by that I assume you mean that my questions and statements say more about my issues than his. Isn't that true of everyone?
> 
> ...


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Best of luck


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

Wish I could read more stories like this. I'd wish you good luck but you already have it!!


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