# Mom Was Being Inappropriate Online: Thoughts?



## WindowToMyHeart (Feb 23, 2014)

My mom posted an old picture of my cousin and I last night. It was a cute picture and I think that we were around 3 or 4 when it was taken. However, she posted on the comments section that she had blackmail pictures of us in the bathtub and me on the potty that she was going to post on Facebook if I didn't make a visit back home.

I have been bad and I haven't been back to visit my parents since Christmas. I live about 5 hours away and my mom hasn't really been taking my living so far away too great. It's as if I betrayed her or something the way she acts sometimes. I would have visited by now, and in the past I have been pretty good about it, but this year I have been busy. This winter was horrible and it was hard to travel a whole lot then, and then when spring came, I had the garden and all that to take care of. However, every time I ask her to visit, she comes up with excuses like "I can't drive down there all alone", or "I don't think the dogs will like it there". She came down with my father last October for my birthday, and they all did fine. And then they can spend all this money to go to the lake every weekend, but they won't spend a penny to come see me. I think it should go both ways, unless they are truly physically unable to come out there, and they have proven that they are physically able to.

That being said, let me ask you all this: is it ever appropriate (jokingly or not) for a mother to threaten to blackmail their daughter publicly on a social media forum to get her way? Or I am just taking her way too seriously.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think you are taking it way too seriously.

Have you told your mom and dad how you feel about the visits needing to be two ways?


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## WindowToMyHeart (Feb 23, 2014)

I have, and she has even made plans about visiting, but has never followed through, and has weaseled her way out with an excuse. I do my best to visit when I can. She wants me to visit every month, and that's hard to do. So I guess I am just a horrible terrible daughter that everyone paints me out to be.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Is she a manipulative person? If so best way to handle it is not to give in. If this is a one time thing she is doing her motherly duty in embarrassing you 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Five hundred miles is too much to travel round trip monthly.

Are there any bus lines, trains or airlines that travel between the two locations?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

WindowToMyHeart said:


> I have, and she has even made plans about visiting, but has never followed through, and has weaseled her way out with an excuse. I do my best to visit when I can. She wants me to visit every month, and that's hard to do. So I guess I am just a horrible terrible daughter that everyone paints me out to be.


And there's the manipulation right here. You are a horrible daughter because you don't visit her every month? You are entitled to a life without mommy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

I have a very similar situation. Family of five. Twelve hour drive, yet the first question is always "when are you coming?!?"

Repeat after me "I am the only person who can judge my actions"

Your moms actions are just a dysfunctional way for her to say she misses you. Parents have their whole lives been in charge and they fail to see when they need to make the effort instead. 

Tell your mom "I need you to visit me more mom. "

Then hold her accountable! My parents didn't start to visit me regularly until I insisted 100 times. My dad still doesn't.


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## WindowToMyHeart (Feb 23, 2014)

mablenc said:


> Is she a manipulative person? If so best way to handle it is not to give in. If this is a one time thing she is doing her motherly duty in embarrassing you
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, sometimes she can be emotionally manipulative. Like for example, she will throw it out there that I don't care about her when she doesn't get her way. She has done that in the past. Then she always cries about how much I put my in-laws before my biological family, which is untrue as hell. I don't visit them as often as I do my own parents, nor do I call them as much. She can try to control me through my emotions.


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## WindowToMyHeart (Feb 23, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Five hundred miles is too much to travel round trip monthly.
> 
> Are there any bus lines, trains or airlines that travel between the two locations?


Sadly, there isn't It's within driving distance. I know I should make more of an effort, and I have. I had been seeing her every 3 months, and she whined that was too much time without seeing her then. I don't know anymore.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yea she does sound manipulative about this.

Is there a place in the middle where you all could meet for weekends and holidays a few times a year?


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## WindowToMyHeart (Feb 23, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Yea she does sound manipulative about this.
> 
> Is there a place in the middle where you all could meet for weekends and holidays a few times a year?


I always come home for Christmas and Thanksgiving. I do plan on either going up there next weekend or on the weekend of the 4th of July. I am making plans to visit her without any excuses on my part.


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## WindowToMyHeart (Feb 23, 2014)

Just wish she would ask in a nicer way instead of using manipulation and threats.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

At least sher isn't my mother. I haven't seen here since 2006 and that was when my youngest son graduated college.

She remarried a couple of years ago and I have no idea where she lives now. That's fine with me. She no longer has my phone number and I will never call her.

They only thing I want from her is her obituary....


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Tell her you will visit when you can, she's welcomed to visit you if she feels too much time has passed. Start putting boundaries I say this from experience. She will only get worse if you start giving in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Next time she says the dogs won't like it, I'd turn that guilt around and say "I didn't realize the dogs were more important than visiting your own daughter."



Eh, probably not productive but that was my first thought. You are an adult and kids are supposed to move away. Don't let her make you feel guilty, and continue to extend the invitation. If you decide to have children, it will be even harder. That's quite a long way and as you pointed out, they are certainly able to make the trips to other places. If they feel your place is too small or they feel it's an imposition, I'm sure there are hotels or a B&B nearby.

This is your life and she's in it, not the other way around. I fully expect to make the effort to see my daughter (who is a teen) when that time comes. In fact, I'll be excited to learn about her life - look at her garden, see the room she painted or the new sofa she bought or try the latest dish she learned to cook.

Turn the guilt to her when she cancels and make it clear that you are very unhappy when she can't follow through on her commitment. Especially if it's last minute and you have cleaned, purchased different/extra foods, prepared the guest room, etc.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think you're being over-sensitive about the blackmail comment. 

As far as parents visiting, my parents are about a 2 hour drive away from me. In the last 3 years, they've been up here to visit me exactly once. I've been down there on about a monthly basis. It's just the way it is.

C


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

My parents are also a 2-hour drive. We alternate. I like seeing what they have done since I was last there and the same with me. Then again we do a lot of gardening and DIY stuff so we're always talking about the latest project.


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## WindowToMyHeart (Feb 23, 2014)

I hope that I live that close again someday. I lived that close once,and I would be up there once a month (sometimes twice a month). It's a lot harder when you live a longer distance away.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

It sounds like there's some manipulation going on, but it's pretty low-grade stuff as far as that goes. I've had the opportunity to deal with folks far more masterful at manipulation.

The specific "threat" to post embarrassing bathtub shots may or may not have been manipulation; it could have just as easily been a joke. My mom used to joke about showing pics like that to my dates when I was in school, and I'm pretty sure I've joked around like that with my own kids.

Perfectly fair though to turn the visit frequency issue around on your mom and pester her to visit you. Assuming you're okay with her taking you up on it, of course.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I think everyone else has this covered as far as the commets. The picture kinda stood out to me lol. Personally, I'd tell her to go for it, but expect people to report it as inappropriate. Happens all the time. Just one more way to show her that you will not be manipulated...even with the threat of blackmail photos.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> I think everyone else has this covered as far as the commets. The picture kinda stood out to me lol. Personally, I'd tell her to go for it, but expect people to report it as inappropriate. Happens all the time. Just one more way to show her that you will not be manipulated...even with the threat of blackmail photos.


"Publish And Be Damned!" - Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

You could show her by posting the picture yourself.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You know, if you lived two streets over, no doubt she wouldn't be happy if you visited three or four times a week.

If it was me, I would explain to her that it's hard making a lot of 500 mile trips and you do the best you can and if she keeps making comments about posting pictures of you when you were a kid that you deem inappropriate, let her know that you'll make less trips. That's why God made phones, computers skype and all other kinds of cool ways to communicate.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Another example of communication gap over internet/facebook.

Chances are high your mom was just "busting chops"/teasing you.

But you took it seriously cause it CAN come off serious.

Stay away from facebook and call her, it will give you better idea how she REALLY feels.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

WindowToMyHeart said:


> That being said, let me ask you all this: is it ever appropriate (jokingly or not) for a mother to threaten to blackmail their daughter publicly on a social media forum to get her way? Or I am just taking her way too seriously.


You need to lighten up and visit your parents. One day they will be dead and you will wish you had.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> You need to lighten up and visit your parents. One day they will be dead and you will wish you had.


This kind of hits home, actually. My husband and I moved over 1000 miles away because he had a good job waiting for him. Mom didn't want us to move because she always wanted to be within driving distance of us girls and our families. We only had telephone, snail mail, and internet to stay in touch during this time. In the time we lived so far away, something always came up and we were unable to visit. We never made any concrete plans because we always knew it was possible it wouldn't happen. Then, we moved back to my home state because my husband couldn't work, and we couldn't afford where we were living. I'm glad we did bcause we got 3 years of memories with mom and our kids. 

Sorry, I wasn't trying to be a downer, and I'm not suggesting that you move two blocks away, like we did. What I'm saying is talk to her more often. If something seems to be manipulative, tell her how it makes you feel. But like Johnny said, one day, you will wish she was still there.


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