# My Relationship Ended On Valentines Day



## Steve_C (Feb 16, 2010)

On valentines day my wife told me she loves me but she's not in love with me, and that she wanted to move out, we have been together 21yrs and this august would of been our 20th anniversary, I have all the same emotions as most of us on this site i have read many posts which make me feel like i am not the only one going through this, mainly staring into space for hours not sleeping or eating,i got up this morning feeling positive thinking i was getting to grips with the situation then a couple of hours later my emotions take over and i am wreck.

i was told on sunday, my wife is moving back in with her mother tomorrow (wednesday) the speed that things have taken i feel is super fast but i do believe i need to give her space and time to do what she needs to do.

I haven't been given any reasons for this so like most of us i am blaming myself, not sure what to do now but i do feel slightly better sharing my story..

Thanks for listening...


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Really sorry to hear this, Steve. It is such a painful experience, no matter how you cut it. There is no point in blaming--we all try and we are human. Sometimes two people just can't make it work, and one grows tired of the status quo. Detachment sets in, and it's time to leave or an affair will begin. 

People are so reluctant to leave or make waves in a marriage--waves that the marriage is at risk--that they don't get the professional help when they need it. It's kind of a sign that the thought of ending the marriage is "unthinkable." But then, with detachment, they reach the point where it's thinkable--and b/c of the detachment, it is often too late to go back. I'm not defending, just explaining. God bless you in this difficult time.


----------



## hyndsight1 (Jan 28, 2010)

My condolences too, Steve. You are certainly not alone here; we all cope in our different ways, but I think the feelings of hoplessnes and despair are universal. This forum has certainly been theraputic to me in the short time I have been here, I cannot guess where I would be without the advice and support it has given me. I still have a very long journey, but reading posts by Feelingalone, Deejo, Corpuswife, Big Bad Wolf, to name a few, have shown me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, as hard as it might be to imagine at this point. Hang in there Steve, keep posting and we'll keep listening.


----------



## Steve_C (Feb 16, 2010)

Thanks for your replies..

i could do with some advice on giving space and time for my wife to do what she has to, my wife has always kept her feelings to herself she never told me she loved me unless i said it first which isn't a problem i always new thats the way she was. i didn't know we had a problem with our relationship untill last week maybe 10 days ago so we talked about it and said we would make a go of it then 7 days later i asked her if she was happy thats when she said it wasn't working, we had a chat and she said she has felt like this for maybe 6 months, we are still on good terms we are talking ok and there is no anger.

my wife is leaving tomorrow (wednesday) and i am desperate to ask her if there is any chance we can work through this but i am terrified i will push her away more, i know i need to give her time and from what i have read on this forum i should just let her go...

thanks in advance for any advice..


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Steve,

You are correct in your thinking not to ask about a chance. Your natural instincts will be to pursue, ask, etc. All this will get you is a push away even further. I'd like to save that for you -- don't. I did and it made matters worse. Worse for her and worse for me. And you are right you need to just detach as much as possible. When around her act as if you can just move on -- again i didn't -- so please try. Be cool, confident and aloof by all appearances.

Start looking within yourself. Your happiness resides within you. Do things for you for a while. Try to keep your mind occupied.

Good luck. Read other's posts. I suggest BigBadWolf and MEM's posts. Be strong, you can get through this.


Peace.


----------



## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

Steve-

Feelingalone is right on! The first time my W and I split, I tried to chase her, bought her gifts, called her constantly, etc. All it did was make me miserable, and made her colder and retreat from me further. Take a step back, look into yourself, and muster the strength to carry yourself forward.

Its not easy, but it does work. My W decided last week she was 100% certain she wanted a divorce. I stepped back, distanced myself, and tried to be the best me I could, and she's noticed already. Things are not perfect, and we are not back together, but we are able to sit down and talk w/o all the added tension, and actually found ourselves laughing and enjoying each others company.

Its a long, hard road...but you're not alone! Keep your head held high!


----------



## Steve_C (Feb 16, 2010)

My W came in from work yesterday and i stuck to the advice i was given, i made sure i smiled and gave a positive atmosphere shocked as i was we made pancakes with my daughter and actually smiled and had a bit of a giggle trying to toss pancakes, the urge to then ask her to stay was lets say very hard but i stuck to my guns and we had an nice evening together, i then went to work (nightshift) and felt ok as my mind was on work, i did see my wife for about an hour after i finished work everything was pleasant, my W is moving out tonight and my plan is not to be here when she does, it's time to let her do her own thing, it hurts like hell but i am trying to look at the future she knows where i am if she needs me..

This is by far my hardest day emotionally, i don't know what the future holds for us but i plan to let my W make the first move it's going to be hard but i have to do this no matter how hard it gets..

Thanks again for the advice....take care all


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

SteveC,

Great job. Just keep trying and remember there will be times you slip up -- don't beat yourself up when you do. Just remember we are all human and make mistakes. 

I know its tough -- but you are doing things at this stage that will help you in the long run no matter how this unfolds. Try to be in control of yourself and your environment at all times when in her presence -- this is the essence of a man. Lead -- don't be led meaning do what you say you will do. Initiate the times and places of talking/meeting with her. But not relationship talk -- put that on hold. These are things that will make you attractive to her. This is what I finally learned -- way too late for me -- but not necessarily for you. 

Keep up the good work.

Peace.


----------



## Steve_C (Feb 16, 2010)

My W left yesterday and moved in with her mother, i was in the house when she came home from work but i left shortly after and left her to pack her things, when i returned home from work and noticed all her clothes gone, thats when reality set in.

The Thing is now i feel in limbo not sure what to do next, what is the next step, sit and wait and for how long i know it's a waiting game, i am scared of doing the wrong thing instead of the right one.

Any advice is appreciated..Thanks in advance..


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Steve,

First, you can do this. You need to work on you. If she has mentioned things she wanted you to change about yourself, think about it. Look inward and see where you want to improve yourself. Think about what would make you happy with or without her, and start doing it. 

I don't think pursuing her is good. That means talking or asking about the relationship or her love of you. But you can talk to her about other things. Some would say go no contact with her --- let her feel the space. And I would agree with that. But right now focus on you. You never mentioned if you have kids? If so make sure they are taken care of by you.


----------



## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Oh snap! I thought my W was harsh for having me served with the papers at our daughter's soccer tournament game. V day? That is just cruel.

We're here to support you dude. Rest assured many of us are or have been where you are now. I also made the mistake of bending over backwards the first 30 days after the papers were filed and it just drove my W away. I am confused though because some women do state they want their H to "fight for them". In any case, giving her space and concentrating on yourself is the best path to take. I wish I had done so months ago. Keep your chin up.


----------



## hyndsight1 (Jan 28, 2010)

> I am confused though because some women do state they want their H to "fight for them".


Sometimes you just don't know untill its too late: During my Ws affair, there were certain 'details' that came up and I gave her the benefit of the doubt, you know, to prove that I trusted her judgement. Then, after all was in the open and I she knew that I had confronted the OM, she quized me with a little smile, "what did you say" (to him) etc. The jealous/overprotective H actualy drew her to me. I think if this guy was around at the first signs, the outcome would have been very different. 

At this point in the game though I'm going to have to agree with the majority. Letting her walk away from you and all the comforts of home will force her to put things in perspective.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I never wanted my h to "fight for me." Would not have made a lick of difference. I was too detached. He hadn't been paying attention for a long time, so "fighting for me" would have been, in my eyes and my experience with him, a desperate attempt to keep me b/c he was too scared to be "alone." It would not have made me feel loved or important to him as a special, unique person. 

I think it might be different if the w is angry at the husband, however. Just no personal experience with that.


----------



## Nicola B (Feb 3, 2010)

It can be such a great shock when one spouse announces the marriage isn't working. The thing is that partner has probably been going through all the emotions you are feeling now for quite some time getting to the decision to separate.
It does not make it any easier for you and blaming yourself is a waste of time but learning from the marriage is still something you can do. 

Nicola Simple Divorce Advice


----------



## Nicola B (Feb 3, 2010)

It can be such a great shock when one spouse announces the marriage isn't working. The thing is that partner has probably been going through all the emotions you are feeling now for quite some time getting to the decision to separate.
It does not make it any easier for you and blaming yourself is a waste of time but learning from the marriage is still something you can do. 

Nicola Simple Divorce Advice


----------



## Steve_C (Feb 16, 2010)

had problems with pc so could not post...

I spoke to my W Today, it was about bills and stuff she sounded happy on the phone i kept the conversation as short as possible,it is hard to keep it to no contact as i have not said before but i do have 2 kids a son who is 20 and a daughter that is 17 i drop my daughter off where my wife is staying but i don't go in i leave straight away...my son is staying with me..

when my wife told me that she wanted to leave i asked her how i could change myself and all she told me was it's her not me, but over the time i have had alone it has made me take a good look at myself and try and think what i could of done wrong, i feel that i didn't give her enough space, if she was late home from work i used to text her to see where she was i just wanted to know she was safe..not just that i am a taxi driver and if she went on a night out i told her i would pick her up, maybe it was too much not sure...

i thank you all for your advice it's nice to know people care and we are not alone..


----------

