# Im a faker, thinking about coming clean but scared



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

H and I have been married 5 years, together for 9 years and sleeping together since the third date. 

In all these years I have been faking Os. I can O with him sometimes if the stars and planets align perfectly but most times I fake it. I have been doing this since the beginning. I didnt have my first O with him until a year into our relationship. 

I am fairly sure he has no idea that I fake it. 

Why am I here? I have always harbored guilt over lying to him over this even though I truthfully believe the lie hurts me more than it hurts him. I have seen a few stories here recently of success in this dept and it has brought the feelings to the surface for me. 

It would be nice to be confident that every time we had sex I would get an O out of it. And while I dont think our frequency is terrible (usually 1-2x a week), I def think I would want it more if I knew every time I had an O. 

I want to make it clear that I still enjoy sex even without the grand finale. Yes there have been times when I have been left frustrated but there are also many times when I know I am just not going to get there that time and I still enjoy the act. 

My H is a very selfless person and works hard to try to please me in bed. He is NOT happy unless hes fully confident that I am enthusiastically getting off. He thrives off of my enthusiasm and climaxing (even when fake) and he NEEDS me to be into it in order to get off himself. There would be no such thing as me just laying there while he did his thing. He would stop mid act and walk away if he thought I wasnt into it. 

When we first got together he was pretty inexperienced. I wasnt super experienced either but I wasnt a virgin when we got together. I never O'ed in any of my previous relationships. I was young and didnt know what I was doing and thought the main purpose of sex was for me to please the man so that he would continue to find me desireable. Yes that is how I thought. The first time I had sex I just thought my O would happen, not even understanding that I would have to work at it or communicate what I want to my partner. Needless to say it didnt happen. I went with the motto "fake it till you make it", thinking one day it would just happen. Guess what, it didnt. 

I kept on living the motto even when H and I started dating. By that time I also really thought something must be anatomically wrong with me because I was under the impression that all women effortlessly orgasmed during sex (via a lot of porn watching and misleading internet searches) and for the most part had just resigned myself to my fate. I could and can get myself off so I figured I would continue to focus on pleasing my man and take care of myself later. 

So we started getting serious and I finally felt comfortable enough with my H that I could fully relax and let him please me...not worried about putting on a show for him...and bam it happened! Amazing! Except that he thought he had been giving me O for a year before that and a lot of the new found confidence he had in bed was based on that belief. I should have just told him then but I was too chicken. I felt I couldnt crush him when I had finally gotten to a point where he was confident in himself. And to be perfectly honest part of me was afraid the truth might damage his ego soooo much that we would break up and I didnt want to lose him. How selfish huh. 

Sex has always been a big facet of our marraige and I think we have great chemistry. Its focus in our relationship has waxed and waned as weve gone through ups and downs and having two kids and various health problems on both sides. Through all of this time I have still maintained the idea that my primary focus in the bedroom is to please him and to keep him feeling good about himself, and if I get something out of it great, if not it was still worth the endeavor. 

What has changed recently is that about 8 months ago I sought treatment for anxiety and depression and started taking SSRI for it. I feel much better mentally now and I am not ready to consider getting off the meds. The only unpleasant side effect has been that it is now even MORE extraordinarily difficult for me to O. Both masturbating and during sex. I have never been a PIV gal...I need other stimulation to get there. Our standard sex was oral for me which would give me an O for sure and then PIV for him in which I would fake a time or two for his enjoyment. Sometimes we would skip the oral and go only for PIV which would just be pure faking on my part. 

Now I have completely lost my ability to O thru oral. He hasnt changed anything. I know its the meds. I had to completely relearn how to masturbate too because all my usual tricks did nothing. Now I can only O with the help of a very powerful vibrator. 

We do use toys along with sex but not every time. I have started bringing them out more often and he has started having a negative reaction that "hes not good enough on his own". I tried explaining about the meds and even thought MAYBE I could stop faking completely and just blame the whole thing on the meds as if they changed me completely, but his reaction killed that for me. I chickened out again when I saw the blow to his ego just from me bringing the toys out one too many times for his liking. 

I feel like I am now back at square one having to relearn my body and how to have sex but to try to do it without telling my H the full extent of what is going on is pretty close to impossible. I know for a fact that I need to feel no pressure to perform in order to even have a chance with him but I dont think he can handle the truth. 

I constantly go back and forth wondering if its really worth it to be honest with him. I fear the fallout. I fear that he will constantly question if I lie to him about everything else when I have seriously never told any other lie ever. I fear that he will think I am not attracted to him when I very much am. I fear he will think hes not good enough or not a good lover when honestly hes the best I have ever had and I never think about anyone else. 

I have no concept of how far reaching the damage could be ...maybe hed shrug it off (doubt it), maybe hed get over it in a few months or maybe I would forever wear this as my scarlet letter for the rest of our marraige. He may even consider it divorce worthy. I really have no idea and thats the scariest part I think. 

I have convinced myself that it would be selfish to tell him the truth now after how many years this has been going on . Wouldnt it be kinder and better for my marraige to just forget about it and continue to deal with it on my own? 

I would like to hear what other people think , even if I get crucified here for my confession. If you were my husband what would you want me to do?


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

If I was your husband I would want to know but I would be hurt and devastated and I have every right to be. He derives intense pleasure from you getting off and you have been very deceitful and have robbed him of that.

Lying and deceit is the worst in a marriage. Please come clean but there will be fallout. Just be understanding rather than defensive. Hard to do but super important. 

Why do you feel the need to fake? Most woman cannot O from PIV so you are normal. Do you fear it takes too long? Again totally normal for a woman.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I would come clean with the hubby. Having fake O's is lying to him. Deception is Deception. This is a very inimate part of your marriage and should be up front with him. However, expect him to be pretty darn mad.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> Now I have completely lost my ability to O thru oral. He hasnt changed anything. I know its the meds. I had to completely relearn how to masturbate too because all my usual tricks did nothing. Now I can only O with the help of a very powerful vibrator.
> 
> We do use toys along with sex but not every time. I have started bringing them out more often and he has started having a negative reaction that "hes not good enough on his own". I tried explaining about the meds and even thought MAYBE I could stop faking completely and just blame the whole thing on the meds as if they changed me completely, but his reaction killed that for me. I chickened out again when I saw the blow to his ego just from me bringing the toys out one too many times for his liking.


I'm not a guy, but if he's not comfortable with the toys and that's the only way you can O while on the meds, you might be right that he'll have a very strong negative reaction to the truth. He will likely feel "not good enough" and will be very upset that he's been lied to.

That may be the only way to get to the other side, though. 

When do you think you might get off the meds?

Maybe you can print out your post and give it to him so he can read it and better understand, rather than trying to absorb it all in a conversation?


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

He is going to be crushed. I know I would be. 

Still, you need to clear this, it's damaging your intimacy with each other. Remember the adage "two compliments for one criticism", and tell him how much you think he's a wonderful lover, gently tell him that you have problems reaching O at times, so have faked it. Reassure him that you want to communicate with him about your needs so you BOTH get what you need (and actually DO so!) Then tell him again that he DOES rock your world, you love him very much, and sex with him is amazing even when you don't O.

And please, never fake again. Communicate- tell him if it isn't going to happen, or what you need to get there.

I think many "insecure" men in bed are this way because this type of thing is EXACTLY what they fear.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

kag123 said:


> H and I have been married 5 years, together for 9 years and sleeping together since the third date.
> 
> In all these years I have been faking Os. I can O with him sometimes if the stars and planets align perfectly but most times I fake it. I have been doing this since the beginning. I didnt have my first O with him until a year into our relationship.
> 
> ...


If I were your husband I would be glad you came clean, but would be devastated by the news. he will wonder what else you have decided to spare his feelings about over the course of your relationship, he will have his ego damaged greatly, it will be hard to trust you in other aspects as this is a form of lying and yes, he will see it that way. None the less he deserves a real relationship and you are denying him of one. You do not have the right and he deserves better than you right now. Honesty is the only way to start to take steps to become someone who deserves him. As of right now you do not.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I do not anticipate ever getting off the meds to be honest. Not after as deep as my mental health problems were and how far back to "normal" I have been able to get while on them. I still wouldnt say I am normal by a long shot but I was suicidal without the meds. 

I also tested out many different meds until I found the one I am currently on that seems to be working. I do know there are other meds out there that may not have this side effect but I dont feel ready to change my meds right now.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Btw I think being on the meds and finally being treated for what has really been a life long ailment has given me the clarity to see this issue in another perspective. 

I think before I wasnt ready to potentially lose him over this but now I know that even should we divorce, things will be ok and we will both survive. Heck he could definitely find someone better I bet! 

In some twisted part of my brain I would prefer this ends and he could be free to seek a new path with someone else where he wouldnt have to bear this scar. I dont want him to look at me and hurt the whole time


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Sometimes it's better not to know especially if he hangs his self esteem on your orgasms.

it isn't fair to put so much pressure on you like that.I fully understand your reasons for faking.

I wouldn't outright tell him though.I'd do it in a controlled environment such as during a counseling session.This is simply too big to navigate by yourselves,in my opinion.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

He needs to figure out how to understand that lack of orgasm isn't indicative for lack of enjoyment.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

kag123 said:


> Btw I think being on the meds and finally being treated for what has really been a life long ailment has given me the clarity to see this issue in another perspective.
> 
> I think before I wasnt ready to potentially lose him over this but now I know that even should we divorce, things will be ok and we will both survive. Heck he could definitely find someone better I bet!
> 
> In some twisted part of my brain I would prefer this ends and he could be free to seek a new path with someone else where he wouldnt have to bear this scar. I dont want him to look at me and hurt the whole time


You are making his decision for him when you speak this way IMO. If he loves you, he is allowed the scar, it is a apart of every successful marriage. Scars are a part of it. Marriages are tested all the time. It is the surviving, climbing that mountain together and getting to the other side that makes for a love like most never experience. give yourself more credit as a human, and give your relationship a chance. Start with some honesty and take it from there. Mistakes don't make us bad people, only human. How we deal with our mistakes is what defines our true character. You came here for advice, you have gotten generally the same response from us all. Start to realize it is time to be honest. Accept how he feels and the time it will take to repair the damage caused. His love for you, if strong and true, will bring him back to you. He will realize it has been a hard road for you. He will realize that being satisfied sexually was something you wanted to express so he felt good and stayed with you, but now thanks to him (and the right meds) you are on track for a better life and you want to rid yourself of the mistakes you have made. He will understand. give him a a chance and some time.


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## Frustrated26 (Aug 7, 2013)

Honestly, I think your husband is going to have a really negative reaction if you tell him the truth. I wouldn't be surprised if he is not only extremely angry, but also very embarrassed and way less open to sex. After years of being lied to and thinking that I really knew my partner and how to please him or her, I know I would be.

That being said, I completely understand why you did what you did. You were trying to enhance his experience. I definitely get that. Still, I don't think coming clean is the right way to handle this. 

Instead, maybe you should sit him down and tell him that you really need this medication, but it is making it really difficult for you to orgasm. Assure him that it has nothing to do with him and that you still enjoy sex, but you may need to make some changes to adapt to your new needs. Making this about the medication and not him will save him a lot of hurt but will hopefully get you on your way to getting your needs met. Even if you do go off your meds, you'll have new routines and such, so I doubt he will instantly revert back to his old moves.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Frustrated26 said:


> Honestly, I think your husband is going to have a really negative reaction if you tell him the truth. I wouldn't be surprised if he is not only extremely angry, but also very embarrassed and way less open to sex. After years of being lied to and thinking that I really knew my partner and how to please him or her, I know I would be.
> 
> That being said, I completely understand why you did what you did. You were trying to enhance his experience. I definitely get that. Still, I don't think coming clean is the right way to handle this.
> 
> Instead, maybe you should sit him down and tell him that you really need this medication, but it is making it really difficult for you to orgasm. Assure him that it has nothing to do with him and that you still enjoy sex, but you may need to make some changes to adapt to your new needs. Making this about the medication and not him will save him a lot of hurt but will hopefully get you on your way to getting your needs met. Even if you do go off your meds, you'll have new routines and such, so I doubt he will instantly revert back to his old moves.


I was thinking it was a bad idea to come clean but I'm glad you posted it lol

OP,it's not your fault the meds are making O's tough to come by for you.He needs to understand that.He HAS to understand that.Give him a chance.Explain your difficulties and his reaction may surprise you.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Frustrated26 said:


> Honestly, I think your husband is going to have a really negative reaction if you tell him the truth. I wouldn't be surprised if he is not only extremely angry, but also very embarrassed and way less open to sex. After years of being lied to and thinking that I really knew my partner and how to please him or her, I know I would be.
> 
> That being said, I completely understand why you did what you did. You were trying to enhance his experience. I definitely get that. Still, I don't think coming clean is the right way to handle this.
> 
> Instead, maybe you should sit him down and tell him that you really need this medication, but it is making it really difficult for you to orgasm. Assure him that it has nothing to do with him and that you still enjoy sex, but you may need to make some changes to adapt to your new needs. Making this about the medication and not him will save him a lot of hurt but will hopefully get you on your way to getting your needs met. Even if you do go off your meds, you'll have new routines and such, so I doubt he will instantly revert back to his old moves.


 He deserves the real information and you deserve to be held accountable as a liar. At that point and only that point will you both be in the same relationship. Right now you are not and if you lie about this further you are making it worse. I understand one way saves him pain, as well as you. It still means you know you have been lying to him for years and he still won't know that information. That is not healthy in a relationship and will cause other problems down the road. 
I believe the advice to "spare him" is terrible advice. Further lying and manipulation of the truth to benefit her mostly is not helping her to be a better and more honest person. She needs to become an honest person and being accountable for your behavior is the only way.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

My STBW and I had the whole discussion about faking before we even started dating. For me, this would be one of those lies that I could easily deal with. It is the fact that I couldn't get my woman off that would be devistating. I suspect that if you tell him, he will lash out about the lies and deception, but that may just covering up for the MASSIVE blow to his ego in that he can't please his woman. 

I am very much like your husband in that my pleasure is tied to hers, and I am lucky in that she feels the same way.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I guess I'm one of those people who doesn't believe brutal honesty is always the right path when it comes to orgasms and sparing your partner serious emotional grief over them.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Frustrated26 said:


> Honestly, I think your husband is going to have a really negative reaction if you tell him the truth. I wouldn't be surprised if he is not only extremely angry, but also very embarrassed and way less open to sex. After years of being lied to and thinking that I really knew my partner and how to please him or her, I know I would be_*.(maybe he is more secure than you)*_
> That being said, I completely understand why you did what you did. You were trying to enhance his experience. *No she was afraid of what would happen if she was honest so she faked it *so she did not have to deal with the consequences of the [B*]honesty*. *She did it for herself not him*[/B]. I definitely get that. Still, I don't think coming clean is the right way to handle this. *Because honesty in a marriage is not the right way to go...great advice to give someone that admits they have been lying to their spouse for years*
> Instead, maybe you should sit him down and tell him that you really need this medication, but it is making it really difficult for you to orgasm. Assure him that it has nothing to do with him and that you still enjoy sex, but you may need to make some changes to adapt to your new needs. Making this about the medication and not him will save him a lot of hurt but will hopefully get you on your way to getting your needs met. Even if you do go off your meds, you'll have new routines and such, so I doubt he will instantly revert back to his old moves.


*And if he does you can just revert to lying to him or make up another version of the story to meet the new need.*


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I guess I'm one of those people who doesn't believe brutal honesty is always the right path when it comes to orgasms and sparing your partner serious emotional grief over them.


Brutal honesty? How about just honesty in general? We need to meet your needs in order to foster a healthy relationship but if being honest will cause discomfort you think it best to fake it and lie.
Glad I did not marry you.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I guess I'm one of those people who doesn't believe brutal honesty is always the right path when it comes to orgasms and sparing your partner serious emotional grief over them.


I agree with you.

I'm against faking and lying but the OP's heart was in the right place.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Furthermore it kinda sucks when O's don't just fall out of the sky.

I'm perimenopausal and it's not easy for me now either.

I still love sex and my husband understands this.

Does he wish I O'd every time? Yes but it's not like I have any control over it. Hormones help but it's not a magic pill. LOL

I tell this story because the husband needs to let go of hanging his ego on HER orgasm or lack thereof.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

nogutsnoglory said:


> Brutal honesty? How about just honesty in general? We need to meet your needs in order to foster a healthy relationship but if being honest will cause discomfort you think it best to fake it and lie.
> Glad I did not marry you.


See why do you have to be rude and say that? "Glad I did not marry you." Why is that crap even remotely necessary here? Of COURSE we're BOTH glad you didn't marry me bc I assume you're just as happy with your partner as I am with mine.

We are allowed to feel differently without being jerks here,ok?

To me,if I know my partner hangs his whole sexual confidence and ego on MY orgasm that is a serious problem.Personally,I don't fake it with my partner bc it's too tough to keep up that charade and I can't deal with the fallout from when the faking stops.
But this person made a choice to fake the orgasms so her partner could still feel secure in his manhood.She didn't do it for herself.What the heck is she getting from faking??NOTHING.

Partners do need to meet each others needs,yes,but sometimes that simply isn't possible due to no one's fault.She isn't holding the lack of orgasms against him and she doesn't want him to hold it against himself,which he likely will if what she says about him is true.

It's not that honesty will cause discomfort.This kind of honesty when there's NOTHING he can do to change the situation could BREAK HIM as a man.

What woman in her right mind wants to do that to a man she loves??

Honesty is best for most things.But I don't think it's best here. You do and I can respect that without being rude about it.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Hello - I am you but after 18 years instead of 9. I don't know if you have read my history or not but you can likely search my previous posts if you haven't.

There are two problems here - one is your husband and how he has reacted negatively in the past when he feels he is not pleasing you. He does not seem okay with realizing it may not happen every time for a woman and this has put you in a position of choosing your feelings or his and you have chosen his.

The second problem is with you not being able to be level with him. Also (believe me, I know) faking is a really hard habit to break. Much harder than you might think.

Ive been in counseling since May for this issue. I am still having a hard time remaining emotionally open to my husband and continuing to communicate what turns me on, what gets me close to o, etc. Ive had several setbacks in which I have found myself responding like I used to - with my brain and not my body. I am not sure how it came to be this way but I now realize there is a big difference in sex when both your mind and body are experiencing it at the same time. Faking is more of a brain activity, mimicking the physical response to be convincing to another person.

My husband had no idea I had been faking and it did destroy his self esteem for a time. For 2 months he did not want to have sex and then he reached a point where he started from scratch with me. It still took 6-8 weeks before there was success. There were many times I wished I had never told him - but now that I am on the upside of it I feel it has been worth it.

However - adding meds into the mix is really a game changer. It gives you an opportunity on one hand to confess just faking since the meds started - that way its not so bad on him. But its also a problem in that he's not going to be able to get you off except with a vibrator, as you say. 

Either way at some point his ego is going to need an adjustment.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

There is no magic pill, but at least vibrators are able to help the OP. I would think focusing on the meds issue and helping him understand the impact of the meds themselves making her O problem worse is key. He can't blame himself for that, so it should be less damaging to his feelings.

She was able to have O's with oral, and now she can't. He shouldn't see himself as failing because he can't get her there anymore through oral. If he continues to feel bad about vibrators, she's never going to get any more O's for the foreseeable future because of the meds.

I'm usually all for honesty, but I understand how hard total honesty would be in this situation. From a practical perspective, it doesn't really matter anymore that she was faking during PIV since her O problem has changed (essentially permanently, unless she can find a different medication that can help her without the side effects). Seems to be least damaging if they can get to an understanding about the meds.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

MissScarlett said:


> However - adding meds into the mix is really a game changer. It gives you an opportunity on one hand to confess just faking since the meds started - that way its not so bad on him.


I could totally see this as being a good course of action.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I could totally see this as being a good course of action.


That's what I was originally suggested but chickened out for fear of backlash not unlike what you experienced.

Meds are a game changer and it's totally a way out of this situation. 

I think I'd take it and not look back.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> See why do you have to be rude and say that? "Glad I did not marry you." Why is that crap even remotely necessary here? Of COURSE we're BOTH glad you didn't marry me bc I assume you're just as happy with your partner as I am with mine.
> 
> We are allowed to feel differently without being jerks here,ok?
> 
> ...


*Sorry but I think those that give the advice of lying to a spouse deserve to be treated as I treat you. *


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

nogutsnoglory said:


> *Sorry but I think those that give the advice of lying to a spouse deserve to be treated as I treat you. *


I'm sorry you feel that way. Do you have a personality disorder by any chance? I ask because it seems you have difficulty seeing the world in anything other than black and white.As though there are no shades of grey or extreme situations that are cause for exceptions.

I think someone who encourages a woman to crush her husband's ego with unnecessary revelations about something as personal as her orgasms is not very informed of how the real world works and lives in a fantasy land.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

It's one of those lies that women tell that does nothing to assure a healthy marriage. My ex lied from the start and continued until she handed me the papers. Only then did she proudly tell the truth.
I would have preferred to hear it before we tied the knot.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Oh for g_d sakes...do not tell your husband. This is one thing that is NOT a betrayal. So you don't orgasm anytime, who cares. Fake it when you don't and enjoy it when you do. You are NOT a liar or a bad wife. Don't feel guilty about it either.

I have been having sex since I was 17 (34 now) and I have NEVER had an orgasm while having sex or oral. I have faked it with every single man I have ever been with. But that is my issue, not theirs and no way am I going to make them feel like they have to bend over backwards to get me off. I enjoy sex and foreplay, but I don't O at the end. I love sex, lots and lots of it and he will always finish thinking he rocked my world with a big cherry on top...and that is not a bad thing.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

hookares said:


> It's one of those lies that women tell that does nothing to assure a healthy marriage. My ex lied from the start and continued until she handed me the papers. Only then did she proudly tell the truth.
> I would have preferred to hear it before we tied the knot.


I wouldn't applaud her for being this way.That's cruel and horrible

If there was something you could have done to provide O's for her then she should have educated you on how to make it happen instead of being silent about it. using it as a weapon later is awful.I'm sorry that happened to you.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

nogutsnoglory said:


> *Sorry but I think those that give the advice of lying to a spouse deserve to be treated as I treat you. *


*Condescend much? What's it like on that oh so very high horse of yours?*


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I'm with the other women. Blame the meds when you come clean. Work together to figure out the way the new you reaches orgasm and don't look back.

I have recently begun to have trouble orgasming and I thinks it menopause related. My drive has slowed in the last several week, but in the last two weeks reaching O has not been as easy as it normally is. I mention this because Mr. Pink and I have had an open and honest sex life with each other. the other night we discovered a new way for me to get there. It was fun! I had another one, at Mr. pinks suggestion, just to be sure that particular technique worked and it wasn't just a desperation move...because the body can take only so much before it kind of gives up and shutters-which is kind of like an O but not as fullfilling. Then we both high fived each other. <--That is an example of honest and open sex communication.

Men need their confidence as much as women do. he doesn't NEED to know how long this has been happening. He does need to know it's not happening. Your husband also has to come to terms with the fact that the almighty penis is not the end all be all of sexual gratification for a woman. And he has to be okay with that. He will be okay with that in time, as long as you both are honest with each other and make your bedroom a safe place for you both.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

lisab0105 said:


> Oh for g_d sakes...do not tell your husband. This is one thing that is NOT a betrayal. So you don't orgasm anytime, who cares. Fake it when you don't and enjoy it when you do. You are NOT a liar or a bad wife. Don't feel guilty about it either.
> 
> I have been having sex since I was 17 (34 now) and I have NEVER had an orgasm while having sex or oral. I have faked it with every single man I have ever been with. But that is my issue, not theirs and no way am I going to make them feel like they have to bend over backwards to get me off. I enjoy sex and foreplay, but I don't O at the end. I love sex, lots and lots of it and he will always finish thinking he rocked my world with a big cherry on top...and that is not a bad thing.



Lisa, I don't know what your situation is now, but honesty both in bed and out of bed is the ONLY way to have an intimate and deeply connected relationship. When you willingly fake it, time and time again, you hold yourself apart from the relationship, you keep that most vulnerable part to yourself and that isn't fair to your spouse, or someone you want to be your spouse.

I hope you stop faking it and find someone you can be authentic with. You're not broken, just bent, like we all are.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Lisa, I don't know what your situation is now, but honesty both in bed and out of bed is the ONLY way to have an intimate and deeply connected relationship. When you willingly fake it, time and time again, you hold yourself apart from the relationship, you keep that most vulnerable part to yourself and that isn't fair to your spouse, or someone you want to be your spouse.
> 
> I hope you stop faking it and find someone you can be authentic with. *You're not broken, just bent, like we all are*.


heehee...that is clever. 

I don't think it will ever happen for me with sex and I'm not interested in disappointing him or any future him's.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

OP, if the guilt is bad than just don't fake from here on out. Tell him you notice you are having issues lately...than from here on out you can be more honest with him. But, I still maintain you shouldn't tell him about faking this whole time. Some things are just better left unsaid.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I remember feeling that way too,Lisa 

It's tough and frustrating when your body doesn't do what you want it to do.It's even more frustrating when your mind just won't seem to let you let go enough to O.


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

*Re: Re: Im a faker, thinking about coming clean but scared*



nogutsnoglory said:


> *Sorry but I think those that give the advice of lying to a spouse deserve to be treated as I treat you. *


I'm pretty new here, but given some of the posts I've had directed toward me, and things like this, frankly I wonder how long I'll stay around.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

soulsearch said:


> I'm pretty new here, but given some of the posts I've had directed toward me, and things like this, frankly I wonder how long I'll stay around.


Do like I've done use it as practice for not letting people get through to you.

Realize that people here are hurting and as a result they lash out at others.

It's NOT personal I promise. 

If that doesn't work there's always the ignore button.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

soulsearch said:


> I'm pretty new here, but given some of the posts I've had directed toward me, and things like this, frankly I wonder how long I'll stay around.


I am just coming back from a couple month hiatus myself...this place was worse than my normal triggers.


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

OP, since you asked, yes I would want to know. I would consider it a breach of honesty and there would be some damage. However, I am in a different head space than your husband regarding my ego being tied to my W's O, so it would not be lasting injury. At some point, your H would have to accept that you are responsible for your own satisfaction and if he is doing everything possible and you still aren't getting there, then he just has to accept it, and love you for your efforts to please him.

But he can't do everything possible, like get over his pride issue with your using toys, unless he knows there is a problem. Without him even knowing it, you have already damaged his trust. This is the issue with this kind of storytelling. If you come clean and say, "But I love and am attracted to you and I DO enjoy sex.", he is going to wonder if that is as true as your orgasms. That's why it is better off never going down this rabbit hole.

But since you have, and because I sense a reluctance to put it on the table, I do suggest you segue to the truth. If you don't, it could get worse. You may go through a rough period in the marriage and start to resent him. You could even mumble it while drunk or in your sleep. Or you H reads the board when you stay logged in by accident. And the longer this goes, the worse it will be when it comes out ... as these lies always eventually do.

Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cobre (Feb 24, 2013)

Honesty and communication is *key* in marriage. So far this one is lacking in both. Has anyone suggested finding a sex therapist, marriage counselor or one who is both? People would rather be hurt with the truth than comforted with a lie. If the excuse is to not tell him to hurt him is BS, it is just an excuse to not get yourself in trouble and to not properly fix your sex life. The longer you wait to tell him the longer it will take to actually have a sex life with your husband that you want and both deserve.

As for the women of the board that actually agree with keeping the lie a secret is in poor judgment. How would it feel too you that your SO was lying to you from the very beginning of your sex life? The only reason why this problem is still here is because she lied and faked and did not want to be honest with her husband. How can lying more fix this?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I would tell him.

will he feel hurt....maybe not because you wern't getting off but because you lied about it. the longer you keep up the lying the more hurt he will be.
its not his fault you wern't getting off its yours because you did not communicate to him what you liked or that you were on meds that hindered you ability to o.

I would say can we have a talk about sex. then explain that you feel bad about lying about it and you want a close intimate relationship and thats impossible with out being truthfull. say your sorry about not being totaly truthfull about it. and would like to have an open line of communication about it in the future.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

lisab0105 said:


> heehee...that is clever.
> 
> I don't think it will ever happen for me with sex and I'm not interested in disappointing him or any future him's.


Ima tell you a story...

old couple sitting at the table having lunch. The wife looks at her sandwich, looks at her husband then announces she can't take anymore and wants a divorce. Husband thinks she's just being cranky and says, "what's the matter, don't you like pastrami anymore?"

Wife says, "I love pastrami. I hate the ends of the loaf and you always give them to me! You never take your turn with the ends! You're so selfish!"

Husband says, "The ends are my favorite and I always give them to you because they're the best part of the loaf." 

Husband realizes all these years he thought he had been giving his best to his wife only to realize she viewed it as a selfish move.

It was the wife who was selfish. She kept her preferences to herself and never shared them with him, expecting him to figure it out by leaving half the sandwich unfinished. While the husband always ate that left over half viewing it as a loving gesture back.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> That's what I was originally suggested but chickened out for fear of backlash not unlike what you experienced.
> 
> Meds are a game changer and it's totally a way out of this situation.
> 
> I think I'd take it and not look back.


You can go this route but be prepared for his reaction to be that you need to change meds.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Ima tell you a story...
> 
> old couple sitting at the table having lunch. The wife looks at her sandwich, looks at her husband then announces she can't take anymore and wants a divorce. Husband thinks she's just being cranky and says, "what's the matter, don't you like pastrami anymore?"
> 
> ...


I get what you are trying to say...swear. But I promise you...it isn't a matter of not getting what I need to O. All the lovely girlie buttons are pushed, there just isn't a finale, and I'm okay with that. I harbor ZERO resentment for it.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Stonewall said:


> You can go this route but be prepared for his reaction to be that you need to change meds.


Yeah I thought about this after I posted.

Once the lies start you need more lies to cover them.

There really is no good way out of this is there?


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## Frustrated26 (Aug 7, 2013)

nogutsnoglory said:


> *And if he does you can just revert to lying to him or make up another version of the story to meet the new need.*


This is clearly a very touchy subject for you, but we just see things differently. I understand how brutal honesty can be very helpful in building a solid foundation of trust, but I really don't see her as being a terrible, selfish liar for creating this situation. I guess I view this lie as one done more for kindness, and it probably snowballed and got way out of hand. No one is perfect, and no one is 100% honest at all times.

Her husband could very well be much more secure than I am, and I truly hope that is the case should she come totally clean. However, a great many people would feel very embarrassed and betrayed. I was simply offering another opinion or a way of, what I view as, kindly handling a situation. I certainly did not mean to offend.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

lisab0105 said:


> I get what you are trying to say...swear. But I promise you...it isn't a matter of not getting what I need to O. All the lovely girlie buttons are pushed, there just isn't a finale, and I'm okay with that. I harbor ZERO resentment for it.


LOL, okay okay last post I promise....

years from today, something will snap into place. You will, absolutely without a doubt, begin to resent the lack of orgasms. But you will have dug such a whole you won't be able to get out of it. 

If you can't face this issue with your SO now, at least face the issue with a trained professional. You can't be older than 35, I'm guessing closer to 30 by your pic. When you hit 50, 60 and even 80, do you want to look back on a sex life that rocked your world, or a sex life that left you unfulfilled.

In the last 2-3 years Ive had cause to look back and see the regrets in my life. They have never been regrets on what I did or said, but what I didn't do or didn't say. 

Peace and blessings!


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## Brzon (Feb 6, 2013)

OP, I’m with Frustrated26 here. Trust and honesty are terribly important in a marriage, and you have strayed far in that respect. But don’t beat yourself up about it. There are plenty of husbands who would be ecstatic if their wives just showed the slightest bit of sincere enthusiasm for sex, O or no O.

Your new meds give you an out. They mess with your brain - that’s their job, right? Of course they affect your sexual needs. Stop faking today. Show your husband what it takes, starting right now, to get you off. It’s never been like this before, but starting today, you dance to a different tune. It’s not him, it’s you; it’s not you, it’s the meds. Lie as much as you need about the past so you can put the past behind you and never have to lie again in the future.

If everyone were as considerate of their partner’s happiness as you are, the world would be a better place.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> Oh for g_d sakes...do not tell your husband. This is one thing that is NOT a betrayal. So you don't orgasm anytime, who cares. Fake it when you don't and enjoy it when you do. You are NOT a liar or a bad wife. Don't feel guilty about it either.
> 
> I have been having sex since I was 17 (34 now) and I have NEVER had an orgasm while having sex or oral. I have faked it with every single man I have ever been with. But that is my issue, not theirs and no way am I going to make them feel like they have to bend over backwards to get me off. I enjoy sex and foreplay, but I don't O at the end. I love sex, lots and lots of it and he will always finish thinking he rocked my world with a big cherry on top...and that is not a bad thing.


Lisa - 

I smiled when I read this. I can relate to your thoughts and to be honest I have always felt the same as you, until very recently. Well, truthfully I probably still do share these sentiments in the back of my mind. 

I still don't feel GUILTY perse, for faking it. It's not the guilt that has got me second guessing myself.

And I certainly don't resent him AT ALL, not one little bit. He has always put 150% effort into being a good lover and I do not blame him at all for not being able to get me off all the time. 

My change of heart is more coming from two places. 

First, just plain being exhausted at the charade. I mean it's not a physical effort to fake it, but we have been doing this dance our entire marraige in all facets of our life and as I get older, I am getting tired of it. The "dance" being - my H has a very fragile psyche and suffers from low self esteem and I have always been a people pleaser and have found it nearly impossible to deliver bad news or upset people. So I have been careful to be his protector for the most part, wanting to make sure he doesn't feel hurt or pain - at least not hurt or pain that I am the cause of intentionally. You know that saying "The Road to Hell is paved with Good Intentions."? Well, yea. That sums this up nicely. Nine years ago I didn't realize the path I was choosing and have continued to choose would ultimately cause more pain for him than if I had chosen a smaller, lesser pain up front.

As a result of me faking it since day one, he's fully entrenched in the charade and expects that every single sex session should be rainbows and fireworks from me. I'm not sure he even had enough experience BEFORE we started dating to understand how a woman's body even works and that it's normal for a woman not to O. I am not even sure he'd understand it if I tried to explain it now. But sometimes I just want to go through the motions, have sex without using my brain to think about ANYTHING and most of all not have to worry about what HE feels anymore. That probably sounds wrong. I always want sex to be enjoyable for him, but I get tired of having to pull out all the stops to make sure each and every session is porno quality with twenty positions and panting and moaning and so on. I've set it up though that I can't do that as it is now.

Second, as I grew up I realized that I have a whole lot more sex ahead of me in my life before I am dead (hopefully) and I am not sure this is the way I want to spend it. Before the meds, when I could definitely get MINE via oral, it wasn't really a HUGE deal and I was fine coasting along the way things were. I mean, yea, it would be awesome if I could somehow O when he does or somehow not have to concentrate really.freaking.hard for twenty plus minutes to get myself there, but I had just decided that's how my body works, and I play with the cards I am dealt. Then when I started taking the meds and everything changed, even unable to O through masturbation, I was like whoa...this isn't what I expected, to be nearly 30 years old and have to completely relearn my own body and how to make it work. It probably wouldnt be such a big deal if the meds also took away my sex drive, but it didn't. Actually now that I am mentally feeling better and more stable, my sex drive has increased (probably back to what it always would have been minus the major depression I was dealing with) BUT I can't get off almost at all anymore. So it's kind of a cruel joke to be suddenly feeling good again and having a major sex drive but never able to get off without the help of a major piece of machinery. Even then I didn't think using the toy would be such a big deal, except that my H started complaining about it and clearly started taking it as a slight against his abilities. He knows that trouble O-ing is a side effect of these meds (I showed it to him printed right on the pamphlet that comes with the prescription each time) but he still doesnt really GET.IT. and I haven't pushed the issue, to be fair to him. Knowing that he's losing his erection because I want to use a toy to get off though is just getting to be too much. Now it is pretty much hopeless for me to O with him at all because I can't bring out the toy without feeling horrible and without knowing he's going to be resentful of it.

Even with this side effect, I would 150% say that these meds are worth every missed O. There is so much more to my life than sex and I need to be fully present for it, including being a mom to my two kids, which I was pretty terrible at before the meds.

I came here to kind of get a barometer of how awful this truly is. I know I am not the only woman on earth who does this, probably for the exact same reasons, but wasn't sure how a man would view this "sin" in marraige.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Another thing, a little story about something that got me thinking about this. It's a little personal but it might shed some light on our marraige - 

H and I usually have sex every weekend when the kids are taking a nap in the middle of the day. We have sex other times, too, but that's always our special time to relax together.

This past weekend I had my period something terrible, and knew I didn't want to participate in sex. That didn't mean that I wasn't willing to do something for my H, though.

So we go to the bedroom once the kids are down for their naps and he starts trying to fool around with me. I remind him that I have my period - he forgot - but keep kissing him and touching him and tell him that I'd like to do something for him anyway.

I proceed to give him a BJ. He gets BJ's often, but usually he touches me and knows that we are going to move to PIV afterwards (his choice). This time since I had my period and didn't feel like being touched down there, I took my top off but left my shorts on, figuring he would enjoy sitting back and letting me focus on him. 

Well, I could sense that it kind of killed his enthusiasm that I wasn't going to FULLY participate. He sat back and let me do my work, but was pretty much just laying there. I could tell from his body language and ya know, other things, that he just wasn't really into it. I finished him off anyway, and he said it was good, but I could just TELL that it wasn't what I had wanted it to be. I was going into it looking forward to really pleasing him and doing something selfless for him and it didn't turn out as well as I had hoped. 

Then I started thinking - that was his REAL, HONEST response to me giving him a BJ. He didn't try to fake enthusiasm or put on a show about how good I was to spare my feelings. He didn't pretend that it was the best BJ he'd ever had or that I was some kind of goddess for giving it to him, even though it would have stroked MY ego if he had done that. He was real with me, even though yea, being perfectly honest I was disappointed with myself afterwards that I couldn't rock his world like I wanted to that day. He had no thought in his head to put on a show for me, so why do I put on an elaborate show for him??

I didn't sulk or pout or act like a baby because I couldn't give him the best BJ in the entire world. But anytime I have tried to even give him SLIGHT direction or acted less than 150% porn-quality-enthusiastic he acts all butt hurt about it and then I feel like a total piece of shizz for making him feel that way.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Brzon said:


> Your new meds give you an out. They mess with your brain - that’s their job, right? Of course they affect your sexual needs. Stop faking today. Show your husband what it takes, starting right now, to get you off. It’s never been like this before, but starting today, you dance to a different tune. It’s not him, it’s you; it’s not you, it’s the meds. Lie as much as you need about the past so you can put the past behind you and never have to lie again in the future.


Honestly, I have NO IDEA what I need to get off, so I don't even know how to show him how to get me there.

All I know is that now, I need a heavy duty vibrator to get there. Even alone. I know that if I am allowed to use it while we have sex, that I can get off. It still takes a LOT of work and concentration, but I can get myself there. 

Would I like to try to get off without a vibrator? YES. But I have no idea how to do that. I also know that without being able to discuss it openly with him, I have no chance of even figuring it out. 

I also know that in order to O, I need to let go of my mind and all the awful thoughts that swirl around all the time - am I good enough for him? Is he enjoying this? Am I doing the right things for him? 

As much as he thinks about MY pleasure, I think about his. I cannot let my mind go blank in those moments. I also know that IF I tell him the absolute truth, we are going to take a thousand steps back in this department. He may not want to have sex with me at all. Even if he does, I know it's going to be damn near impossible for me to let go of how much I have hurt him in that department and it's going to take me a long time to forgive myself for it. With all THAT on my mind, I know it's going to be a long time before I can get past it and let go to get my head in the right place to even have a chance to O. 

I know how tightly wrapped into my H's sense of worth our sex life is. He hangs his sense of worth on my ability to O. I cannot possibly get close with that kind of pressure on me, but I do not know how to break the dynamic right now in a kind and compassionate way.

I have no idea how my H is going to feel about the fact that I've essentially lied to him since day one of our relationship about this. We have never had any issues like this before, one of us harboring a major lie/secret, so he could brush it off or he could flip out.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

kag said: "Knowing that he's losing his erection because I want to use a toy to get off though is just getting to be too much."

Hmmm....I know what you meant by this...but I just wanted to mention...if you think that a man being fully erect is something you need to measure YOUR sexual feelings of being desired by him, you will have to adjust those thoughts.

I'm sure you and your H will have to make many adjustments if you do come clean. But - - sometimes a man cannot stay fully erect while "other things" are going on. It doesn't always mean he isn't turned on...there are many factors in play here.

So help your H out as you move toward honesty with him, by not expecting that he "show you" his arousal in only that one way. As you get older, this lesson will be even more important to you.

I applaud you decision to explore telling him the truth, by the way.


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## Brzon (Feb 6, 2013)

It sounds like your husband would much rather hear that you need to use a vibrator now, because you are taking medication that is improving your life and probably his as well - which is true - than be told that you have always deceived him - which is also true.

Choose your truths wisely. Start with the vibrator, an inconvenient medical necessity that lets you have a fulfilling relationship, even if it’s a lot of work. From there, you can move forward without deception and let him help you explore what works with your new mind and body.

Leave the past behind and be honest and truthful in the present moment.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

kag123 said:


> As much as he thinks about MY pleasure, I think about his. I cannot let my mind go blank in those moments. I also know that IF I tell him the absolute truth, we are going to take a thousand steps back in this department. He may not want to have sex with me at all. Even if he does, I know it's going to be damn near impossible for me to let go of how much I have hurt him in that department and it's going to take me a long time to forgive myself for it. With all THAT on my mind, I know it's going to be a long time before I can get past it and let go to get my head in the right place to even have a chance to O.
> 
> I know how tightly wrapped into my H's sense of worth our sex life is. He hangs his sense of worth on my ability to O. I cannot possibly get close with that kind of pressure on me, but I do not know how to break the dynamic right now in a kind and compassionate way.
> 
> .


I am reminded of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice. Upon Mr. Bingley taking his leave after securing Jane Bennet's hand in marriage, Mr. Bennet quips: "Your tempers are by no means unlike. You are each of you so complying that nothing will ever be resolved on, so easy that every servant will cheat you, and so generous that you will always exceed your income."

Kag, you have a wonderful marriage but constantly protecting the other denies them the chance to grow. Sometimes growth hurts. And some times rough needy sex is awesome!


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

hi kag, i feel for you. that example that you gave how your husband was honest with his feelings when you gave him a BJ, and how radically different you protect his feelings by faking it really hit it home. 

I would be scared too of coming clean dating back to the beginning. When I give my husband suggestions of how to change things or touch me differently, he takes great offense - that asking for anything takes the romance out of it and makes it mechanical and he doesn't want to hear it, so I can see how your husband will be deeply profoundly upset to hear about this.

I'm not saying this is the right way to handle this, but I think if I was you, I would say this is a recent problem caused by the meds, so at most, you'd be faking it for a few months. Then be honest like you've said here how you don't want to crush him, and his reaction when you first mentioned the effect of meds on achieving orgasm made you reluctant to say anything because it upset him....

IT must be emotionally exhausting faking it so much. You sound like such a loving wife to care so deeply for your husband that this is something that you've been doing for him for so long. While you are on meds to get back to "normal" I bet this secret has been affecting your state of mind too, and you have to decide, for better or worse, come what may, you have to stop faking it and come clean in some method. 

"lying" over this is apples and oranges to other kinds of lies. If he's going to think "what else does she lie about" maybe you'll need to go to therapy for him to believe that this was it.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

I've not read through all the posts on this thread, so forgive me if I'm not offering new advice. I don't think your situation is terribly uncommon, and I don't think you are a bad person, a liar, or someone who has betrayed her husband. 

We are all human, and we do what we think is best. Circumstances change, we learn, we grow, we reconsider our decisions and second guess our motives. I would never presume to judge you--you, an individual who has come forth in fullness of heart and mind to present your struggle and ask for the advice of strangers, hoping for knowledge, for help, and perhaps for kindness. 

I cannot even council you on what would be the right path. Making a (even very carefully considered) choice to either keep your secret or reveal it is no guarantee that you won't regret it later as you learn, grow and change. All I can say is that, whatever you choose, be kind to yourself and your husband, forgive yourself, learn to forgive others and to accept forgiveness when offered. 

Much peace to you.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Having been a faker of 20 years - I really think it begins because we as women feel we are lacking. When we go through sex ed in school we learn about periods and pregnancies but we don't learn about the clitoris, young boys don't learn about the clitoris - as the OP stated she, like so many women, expected the orgasms to happen with sex. When it doesn't you don't blame your partner. You blame yourself. I'm broken - something is wrong with me. 

By the time you figure it out you may have already started faking (to cover the fact you are broken) or you are too embarrassed to let your partner in on the truth. 

The erotic literature women love so much feature men who know exactly what gets a woman off. The woman doesn't need to have a clue. The man just makes it happen over and over. These stories usually involve a woman who doesn't need to be a grown up about sex. Who doesn't have to tell her partner she isn't even on the playing field by the time he's done or that she cant possibly concentrate enough to orgasm while her children are banging on the door.

We all have to make our own choices in life and sometimes we have regrets about how we got down a certain road. Porn is not an accurate representation of grown up sex. Erotic literature is not an accurate representation of grown up sex. It can be a treacherous road to travel. Like with many other things in life, though, there is a beauty in being vulnerable to another person.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

One thing I'd like to ad is this: if you do decide to tell your husband about your history of difficulty orgasming and faking them, perhaps you should consider showing him this thread--not as a way to introduce him to the truth, but afterward, when he is trying to process it. 

I thought your original post very honest, well-thought, and self reflective. You obviously are very worried about how your husband might be hurt, and what his reaction will be. You take full responsibility for your actions and show remorse and a desire to do what is right. 

Perhaps, too, it would benefit him to read the diverse responses to your struggle. You are certainly not the only woman who has faked orgasms the regretted it. Other men have been in his position. He might find validation for his own reaction, and there could be a measure of relief in that for him as well.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

> You sound like such a loving wife to care so deeply for your husband that this is something that you've been doing for him for so long.


Yes, and to be protecting him emotionally as you are now. The meds are a good opportunity to "switch horses" as you go forward.

It gives him an opportunity to learn that he is only PART of the sexual equation. That inhibitions in his partner may interfere, yea, stop, the orgasmic process, regardless of his ability or inability.

I would not be hasty in this. Let "patience have her full work" before you "reveal". You may indeed find that the "revelation" is not necessary and that your husband develops new awareness which sets you both free.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

If he has such a fragile psyche, telling him that you have faked for the entire duration of the marriage could just kill his ability altogether.

To me, that would be cruel.

Based on what you have said I would stop faking now, but blame it totally on the meds.

I, like you, have pretty much always faked; it takes me a heck of a long time to get off and intense stimulation. However I enjoy the whole process of sex and if the poor man is about to collapse with exhaustion I'd rather just fake than have him feel inadequate, because it is not as if I have not enjoyed myself.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

> I'd rather just fake than have him feel inadequate, because it is not as if I have not enjoyed myself.


Hells bells, I'm a "faker" too. Every time my wife makes pasta salad.
She's so proud of it... and, I'm sure it's quite good, other people seem to enjoy it, but I eat it through plain toleration. 

My wife is a wonderful wife who loves me and takes good care of me. I'm not going to hurt her feelings over something silly like this.
No way.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I wouldn't applaud her for being this way.That's cruel and horrible
> 
> If there was something you could have done to provide O's for her then she should have educated you on how to make it happen instead of being silent about it. using it as a weapon later is awful.I'm sorry that happened to you.


The ladies I've been with since the split are more accomplished "fakers". They can do amazing things with their innards that can duplicate an orgasm to a T.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

I disagree with OP's heart being in the right place. 

When we lie like this it is always rationalized as for the benefit of the other person. It is for our own selfish reasons. Namely, not wanting to deal with the truth. 

Pity is such a horrible framing to view our spouse because it is the exact opposite of respect and admiration. The emotions that this fellow will feel if she is honest with him are based on being lied to out of pity for so many years. 

It isn't that he could not make his wife orgasm. Her orgasm is her responsibility, not his. She didn't give him the chance to learn her sexuality because she was feeding him completely phony signals, causing him to repeat things he was deceived into thinking were working. He is going to feel rage over that deception. 

Do ladies deceive their vibrators? Put it on top of their head instead of where it feels good and fake their orgasm? No, they know exactly what to do with their vibrator and waste zero time/effort on unproductive B.S. 

I don't lie to my wife about her food. What a dumb thing to do. You get fed bad food that way and only have yourself to blame. She has these ghastly Filipina shrimp paste and fish dishes that smell so bad I can't even be in the cabin when she is preparing them. Oh yes, and the duck fetuses. Crunch crunch crunch, how yummy.  We don't eat together on those days and it is no big deal. Lying to her would be saying I do not respect her enough to believe she can handle the truth. 

When people bring us an impossible situation, about the best thing that can happen out of it is being a lesson to others that deceiving your partner out of pity and fear creates a bigger problem than you think you are solving.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Bravo Wiseforit! Excellent post, well put.


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