# Getting the trust back



## diesel73 (Oct 27, 2010)

Long story short found out my partner of 15 years and mum to our kids was having an emotional affair 3 months that turned SA when we went on holiday with our friends. Was assured it was just kissing at first but later on found they had sex the night before I discovered them together. They met 1 week later to end it and then there were about 3-4 phone calls in the following few weeks. She agreed to NC but has relapsed a few weeks ago - I had asked to know if they contacted each other but only found out when I checked her phone - ie she didn't mention it. She assures me it was just a text to see if he is OK and after getting PO about it I said I understand - he was a close friend to me too. After I initially found and we talked, out she admitted that she felt that she was in love with him but still loved me. Since then it has been tough and I have found it near impossible to reconnect and have been suffering from depression which doesn't help. We did a few weeks of counsilling which helped apparently I am also in Post traumatic stress... I have tried the 180 approach and our relationship is working as friends with hugs but nothing intimate - Personally I cant even go there and she has asked me to give her time -OK... Today I checked her phone - have been avoiding the temptation to do this for a while - she doesn't hide it up though. She had cleared here recent call and message logs - when I asked her about it she says she didn't even know how to do this and maybe the kids had done it.. I am feeling paranoid anyway so not sure if I am overeacting or what. Can't seem to find a starting point to rebuild the trust at the moment. Any suggestions?


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

There is no doubt she is still contacting him. 'The kids must have done it' is one of the worst excuses I have ever heard.

You need to be absolutely firm with her otherwise she is going to continue the affair and get to play mommy at home. Why wouldn't she? She has to stop contacting him in any way whatsoever and she has to stop being secretive about the phone.

If she can't commit to the marriage ask her to leave the house until she can.

How old are the kids?


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## diesel73 (Oct 27, 2010)

Well she isn't secretive about the phone really and has asked me to learn to trust her again. the kids are 9 11 13.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

She doesn't need to be secretive if she erases the history (kids, really?).


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## diesel73 (Oct 27, 2010)

OK so what do you guys recommend - it's her work phone - I had thought of saying 'can I keep hold of your phone for the day' but that wont work...


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Sounds like a bunch of lies and I'll bet she and OM are still getting it on - either emotionally or physically. 

Depending on your phone company you should be able to access the call and text logs. See if you can access this. 

Install a keylogger on home pc if she uses that as well. Then work on yourself and try to figure out what need you were not meeting for her that she had to run to this OM for. There had to be something! 

Another suggestion is to tell her to write a letter of No Contact to the OM - you read, approve and send it. No contact is necessary to move on because everytime there is contact the old feelings come raging back and then you are back to step 1 again. Tell her that this is necessary in order for the marriage to continue. She should also not delete any history ever! She needs to become fully transparent with you. 

Is the OM married? I would expose tos wife too and his family. This has got to stop!


Good luck!

Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

So sorry for you. I don't know why people have to go through this- the constant surveillance. You have lots of guts for staying.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Diesel73, I would not trust her about the phone. She does not need to be clearing any history right now. I understand that it is a good thing to do sometimes. So, she should hand you the phone when it needs to be done. This works well for my wife and I.

I have a weird situation where I have had quite a bit of contact with the OM. My wife, who cheated has had some limited text contact with me right next to her. I am actually comfortable with this because I have good reasons to trust them both. 

Anyway...my wife never clears the history and I can see the thread of text to him unmodified whenever I like. I can also see the call logs. Deep down I know that if she was sneaking around I would not know anyway, but this does help me a little bit as I continue to gather evidence that I can trust her.

Ahhhmaaaan, Just a quick question. Do not take offence. I've read your other post where you said you are leaving your cheating wife. Now that is your choice. Everyone has that choice, so thats totally cool. If I could not handle it, or if my wife was not committed to us, I would leave also. But, since you have decided that, is there a reason that you are sticking around this forum?


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Diesel -

She's clearly in contact with the OM and using her own children as a scapegoat. No contact means absolutely NO CONTACT! She just wanted to see if the OM was okay? The bad part is, you okay'd it! Really, diesel?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Oh and why are you avoiding the temptation to check her phone? You wanted to stay with your WS, (and obviously still wayward,) so respect the decision you've made and stand up to your boundaries.

I can tell by the demeanor in your post that you're literally scared to put her under surveillance. It's like you're making yourself walk on eggshells around her when you should be walking on clouds, with your daughter, above your wife. You ARE above your wife. Be confident, be strong, be stern, be a man and Sparta kick the refrigerator door closed the next time you grab a beer! That's a 180, my friend. 

Unlike you, I chose not to save my marriage. It was a tough decision, but I have to stand by it. You, however, chose to save yours. With that decision came rules, boundaries and guidelines. Follow them!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

it-guy said:


> Ahhhmaaaan, Just a quick question. Do not take offence. I've read your other post where you said you are leaving your cheating wife. Now that is your choice. Everyone has that choice, so thats totally cool. If I could not handle it, or if my wife was not committed to us, I would leave also. But, since you have decided that, is there a reason that you are sticking around this forum?


I imagine he's sticking around for the same reason I am. This forum is open to people who've decided to work on their relationships and those who have decided not to. Whatever one's decision, both need support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

13th Floor,

Understood. Not trying to stir the pot. I guess I'm trying to stick up for my opinions in a way....as a person who chose to work it out. Because that is the only advice I've been looking for here.

Like many others...when I see harsh and strongly worded descriptions of cheating spouse, I have visions of my own spouse that I would rather supress. We all know what they did....and effectively what they are... But some of us want to spend the rest of our lives with these spouses, and would rather not picture them in that light. In other words I would rather not think of my wife as a cheating w*ore for the rest of my life.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

You know what I hate about these boards? All the people i see come and go that have the same situations day in and day out. What i mean is that I have heard this story 1000 times and it always goes the same way.

So i am once again deeply disturbed that I must regretfully inform you that your partner is cheating on you, will continue to cheat on you until you exercise some consequences, and that you have unfortunately married one of he 65% of women who cheat on partners. You are far from alone, and if you can manage to gather your thoughts and reach a stable state of mind, then you will be able to make an informed decision on how to proceed. There are many folks here who can help you and offer support when you are weak.



Welcome to the club, have a drink and start reading the threads. Actually have a couple drinks....

T.T.L.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

twotimeloser said:


> So i am once again deeply disturbed that I must regretfully inform you that your partner is cheating on you, will continue to cheat on you until you exercise some consequences


This is pretty much it and should be the first post to every thread cause really that's what it's all about.


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