# addict and confused????



## floridaguyconfused (Jun 5, 2011)

I am currently clean over 5 yrs and have been working the steps and have made changes in my life which has made me a much better person and husband. 
During the first years of our marriage my wife has always been very supportive and proud. We were even trying to start a family. When my wife miscarried she began to go into a deep depression. She is a stay at home wife and is totally supported financially by me. I am ok with this. Recently she has been acting distant and quiet. She started seeing a therapist. I thought she was seeing the therapsit for her to work on her issues but she has been talking about all of my issues or issues she has with me. I then agreed to do couples counseling although we were seeing the same therapist she sees seperately i agreed. She gave us homework and I completed my work my wife did nothing. We were on a weekly schedule and during the time in between sessions it seemed like she was ok. She was saying she loved me and we were still engaging in sex but the day of our joint session she changed into a different person saying nothing is changing and saying that she did not sign up for being married to an addict and small things like how I put my cloths in the laundry basket instead of the hamper like she has asked. I understand that small things add up to big things but the reason I am confused is on valentines day she wrote a long note inside the card with words like she is so happy we are working on each other and she adores me and hopes I feel the love she feels for me. Now move to May and she is totally different. She has asked me to leave saying we need to seperate for a short time maybe a few days. She says she is very resentful of my addiction and me commitments to recovery. Well the few days thing has turned in we are still seperated and she has stated she want a divorce as she is no longer in love. I asked her if she had someone else and she swears she does not. I believe her but am confused. she was very supportive of me and my recovery. She does not have friends as she stays at home and isolates herself. She has become very judgemental of me and I of her. We would still say the words I love you but ??? did we mean it. I had resentments against her as well as we agreed when we were trying to have a baby that she could stay at home to reduce the stress as we are 44 and 43 so we went through alot of hardship and she eventually miscarried. Now after three years she is still at home. She does not talk to anyone outside except when she attends fuctions with me. has been more judgemental and closed off. We have been seperated since May 6th and have only had 1 face to face and she did allow me to share my feelings ans I asked her why the divorce and she said she just did not think I was the man for her. Here is where I am confused as she has stated she never had the unconditional love I give her and even though it is and feels nice she says it freaks her out. She has stated she does not want to see me or talk via phone. She will only email. Even through emails she gives me mixed messages. She says she cares deeply one day and then she is like a witch the next saying I have crossed her boundries and she will say things like let me make this absolutley clear we will only speak via email about the finances,divorce proceedings and our dog. My therapist has told me to share my feelings from my heart and I have as I took a deep look and i really hurt when i saw my aprt in this. I did neglect her I did see ques from her but I ignored them. She was reaching out for me and I was not there. I did not follow through on my end with the things I said I would do as I work and go to meetings so by the time I get home at night it was 9 and we would eat dinner at 10. I did try to make a date night but this did not seem to work as neither one of us could come up with things. We were pulling away from each other. Now that we are apart I reaqlly do see my part and want to do whatever it takes to make this work. However she continues to say things in emails like I am not respecting her boundries as I have said in my emails that I still am deeply in love and want to work on this. She says things like she does not want to hear that. I have been very accomadating when it comes to finances as I am paying for all utilities and some extra. I try to leave her alone by not emailing my feelings. I am not calling her. This is where I am at a loss. My therapist has told me to share what I feel from the heart , share what I have been working on since we have been doing role reversal and it made me sick to see how I was treating her and neglecting her and I shared with her these feelings. Her repsonse was very hurtful. She said she does not wish to hear about my feelings and that she is not my therapist. I have offered to come cut the grass while she is at church. Her response was she does not feel comfrotable with me being there when she is out. She also has said she has taken care of the grass herself. We were going to be completing some minor home repairs and she asked me if I would do them I said yes. Now she said she does not want me doing the house repairs and she doesn't know if she wants to see me right now. She said by sharing my feelings this is going against her requests and it will push her away if I continue. I am at a loss. How do you fall out of love? in 2 months time and what gives this therapist the right to say she feels we should divorce. My wife really is influenced by this person and will do anything she says. I am not giving up but will respect her wishhes about sharing my feelings as I am tired of putting myself out and then getting kicked in the face in return. I don't know what else to do, Back in the begining she said she wanted the divorce and wanted it quickly and now that it's been almost a month I don't hear the quickly word but she still says she intends to go forward with the divorce. My question is if she wanted this so badly why wouldn't she have filed herself as of yet? why is she continuing to be very angry and then apologize later.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

You didn't state what kind of addiction you have? If its a alcohol addiction, my husband is a recovering addict. He has done well for the past two years he has been in AA. Your wife probably needs to be in Alanon if alcohol is the issue, that is more than likely why she doesn't understand your addiction. Even if its not alcohol, and its drugs, porn, gambling addictions etc, she still needs to be in some type of support group for herself.

It sounds like she has checked out of the marriage and maybe it is from your addiction. It could have been very damaging for her. Then again it might be from another reason. That is why its beneficial for her to get into a support group. Just her therapist alone probably isn't going to cut it. With her behavior so up and down it very well could be too, that she has found someone else. I'm not saying that for sure, but it could be. I'm sorry you're going through this.


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## phillyds (Jun 7, 2011)

I am in a relationship with an addict. I have read about "the mind of an addict" for loved ones af addicts trying to understand what goes on in their minds. Let me try to help you understand her. I am a little unclear of your relationship status during your addiction. It sounds like she was around during active addiction. She had to stuff feelings, hide feelings, block feelings, deny feelings, lie to herself about feelings, to get through your addiction. Now that you are better, she is melting. Not purposely. Just like addicts have triggers, loved ones of addicts have triggers too. The pain of the miscarriage may have been her trigger. Mind racing about all the things that have happened but so clear in her mind it seems like yesterday. Compiled by little things like clothes which seems so deep to her. We are taught through alanon and codependency to get out of the addict's way. Maybe it is time for you to get out of her way. She is unsure the same way you were unsure during addiction......Like myself. He relapsed 3 years ago and all of a sudden I can remember every lie, every item stolen, every mean word said, every fight, every cheat...and he thinks I am going crazy. Well maybe it is my time to go crazy because I had to hold it in for so long. Be understanding as she was for you but give her space to heal and comfort her when she asks. Unless you are inlove with an addict, it is difficult to figure out us.


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