# Why would a wife want permenent seperation but not divorce?



## ohsh...t (Feb 23, 2014)

Hi I hope you will be able to give me a little advice. My wife just told me she wants a permanent separation but if I pull my weight work-wise/responsibility-wise/personality-wise etc she WON'T divorce me. To that I asked her if she would have me back and she replied that she doesn't know. We have children and i am devastated. She initially told me our marriage was over days after New year. She realizes I have had some depression issues, situational depression according to my therapist and I don't know if she is trying to be gentle. She values me as the children's father and says she will put up no obstacles between me and the children but we as a couple are over. 

She is a christian but has told me she doesn't care about the Bibles stance against divorce any more. She said she no longer frequents a Church and that the Bibles stance on divorce is outdated. this from someone who was ultra fanatical, changed churches 12 times in 10 years , owns many bibles and over 100 christian self help type books.

Sadly my father is very unwell and maybe only has a year to live at the most according to the doctor. If the docs prediction is true and I pray it isn't and he goes on for another 30 years, but if it is I would inherit a large house plus some cash which is approx 30 times the amount my wife earns in earns in a year. Where we live she would be entitled to 50%, especially since we don't own a home.

She never got on with my parents and says she wants nothing from them. She is proud I will give her that.

But who knows ,could she be putting off the divorce to wait for the big bucks rather than the pennies I would pay out if she divorced me now? Or simply saving some money for the divorce?

Forgot to mention we are still in same house, sleeping separately, she shudders if I try to hug her etc which I have tried twice since New Year. She wants me out ASAP , as soon as I can get working again. I have been irresponsible financially, and unfortunately can now see I was emotionally abusive in retaliation to her lack of affection, withholding sex etc but i have never been physical or cheated and I have had many chances.

I realize I need to change but nobody knows a persons individual circumstances and even my therapist said that I have so much baggage IE messed up past etc that 20 bellhops couldn't carry it and maybe its just to much for my wife I had 4 sessions and hope to continue when i am working.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Sorry your going through this.

Maybe she's unsure of how she feels & wants to see changes before she makes a decision on divorce? Only you know if she's motivated by money? Have you spoken at length about her reasons etc?

I'm sure you'll get lots of support here, there are some fab people on this forum!


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

Either you two need to work things out in together or get a divorce. I wouldn't agree to the separation trial based on what you said about the inheritance.


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

I believe you're wrong regarding the inheritance. An inheritance is separate property even if you're married as long as you keep it separate from her. If you deposit the money into a joint account then she would be entitled to her share.

You could get the inheritance and open up an account in your name only. Don't put any proceeds of the inheritance into anything joint.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

nickgtg said:


> I believe you're wrong regarding the inheritance. An inheritance is separate property even if you're married as long as you keep it separate from her. If you deposit the money into a joint account then she would be entitled to her share.
> 
> You could get the inheritance and open up an account in your name only. Don't put any proceeds of the inheritance into anything joint.


You're right. She would only be entitled to some of the inheritance if the will specifically states that. In my case (the wife of an inheritor), I was left 10% of all profits received from certain properties after they are sold. She would have to obtain a "joinder agreement" in the divorce settlement to obtain her share.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Yes, inheritances are separate, even in community property states, unless you mingle the funds. She may not realize this and thinks she'll get half; either proceed with divorce now or speak to a lawyer as soon as your father passes to make sure you don't do anything stupid. 

I'm sorry about your father; I lost mine two years ago and I still hurt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I think she wants the separation for the reason of the house and money. You get divorced and something would happen to your Dad, she gets nothing.

Friend, she has a plan and she has the idea that your not smart enough to figure it out. If it was me and she said she wants a permanent separation, I would give her one called divorce. She's looking to the future of you losing a loved one for profit. Doesn't matter to her, it's no her dad.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

ohsh...t said:


> My wife just told me she wants a permanent separation but if I pull my weight...she WON'T divorce me...I asked her if she would have me back and she replied that she doesn't know...She is a christian but has told me she doesn't care about the Bibles stance against divorce any more. She said she no longer frequents a Church and that the Bibles stance on divorce is outdated. this from someone who was ultra fanatical, changed churches 12 times in 10 years , owns many bibles and over 100 christian self help type books.
> 
> I would inherit a large house plus some cash which is approx 30 times the amount my wife earns in earns in a year. Where we live she would be entitled to 50%, especially since we don't own a home.
> 
> But who knows ,could she be putting off the divorce to wait for the big bucks rather than the pennies I would pay out if she divorced me now? Or simply saving some money for the divorce?


Perhaps she still carries some guilt about Christianity and divorce.
Perhaps she is unwilling to face censure (or perceived censure) from family or friends.
Perhaps she is trying to convince herself that her children will not suffer from 'divorce' if she doesn't actually technically 'divorce'.
Perhaps she doesn't want to completely close the door on her 'ultra fanatical' belief system.

An earlier poster (nick?) was correct that, whether you're married or not, your wife is NOT entitled to a single dime of your inheritance...IF you do it right!

IF you open a new bank account and keep the money separate ALWAYS, she is not entitled to any of it.

IF you deposit your inheritance into an already existing account that belongs to BOTH of you, then you're co-mingling the funds and she's entitled to 50% of them.

Either way, make sure YOU hire an attorney to advise you on the best solution for you and your children.


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## wtf2012 (Oct 22, 2012)

money
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

She sounds unbalanced. Don't try and figure it out, just look at her history and what she's suggesting for you two now. That's all you need to know.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

nickgtg said:


> I believe you're wrong regarding the inheritance. An inheritance is separate property even if you're married as long as you keep it separate from her. If you deposit the money into a joint account then she would be entitled to her share.
> 
> You could get the inheritance and open up an account in your name only. Don't put any proceeds of the inheritance into anything joint.


Good advice but this may vary by state. 

Definitely check your local laws in regards to inheritance being considered separate marital property and what you must do to protect it.


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## ohsh...t (Feb 23, 2014)

Thanks everyone for the replies. I will reply individually later when I have time but I will just state that we do not live in the USA and where we live inheritance is included especially when there is no family home , other savings etc. Also I would not be against the idea of providing a home for my kids. Its just I don't like being tricked or fooled and am picking up some weird vibes from her. I think. She also states she has told no-one in her family or friends.?! Why should she, she says. I find it strange that a woman would discuss it with no-one. But Im not sure if Im right about anything any more. Any thoughts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

So your inheritance will be considered marital, and she could theoretically end up living in your dad's house with your children while you're stuck in some small apartment somewhere paying her support. To add insult to injury maybe she'll meet some other guy (if she hasn't already) and he could end up living there too!

Given your wife's behavior and your dad's health issues, you just might want to get a jump on her and start divorce proceedings ASAP.

Again I don't know how the divorce laws work in your area but if you're already filed prior to getting the inheritance you just might be protected.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

She might believe that her family/friends would frown upon her seeking a divorce or maybe she believes they would try to talk her into counseling, or talk her into staying 'for the children'. Maybe where you live, she would get screwed over in a divorce (because she's the one who wants out? because she's a woman/mother?) so she will make out better financially by LEAVING you but not divorcing you. Don't know where you live, so don't know if any of that is possible.

I guess my first question would be *what do YOU think of your wife and your marriage?*

I see a lot about what SHE wants and what SHE's demanding and what SHE's dictating. What about you, ohsh...t?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what exactly is the benefit to you to remain in a farce of a marriage? What are you going to be teaching your child about a loving mature relationship?

C


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## ohsh...t (Feb 23, 2014)

From the way I described her it might sound as if I am disrespectful if Christianity. I was born a Christian but lost my way from the path but believe me , I have prayed for Jesus to bring back that strong Christian belief she once had. She says she only lovess God and the children , her family and friends and is 100% out of love with me. I am starting to get jealous of some friends she often talks about to me but mostly others, especially one female model . She is semi obsessed with that woman and her wonderful family and it saddens me that she is so happy with the respect they give her. It makes me feel I gave her little. On the positive side at least its a lady and a normal friendship and not a man and a affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

ohsh...t said:


> On the positive side at least its a lady and a normal friendship and not a man and a affair.


Ok I'll bite.

It hasn't occurred to you that a woman can have an affair with a woman?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

She's using you. No doubt you'll still maintain her and the kid's lifestyle, provide insurance from your job, and get nothing in return, not even your freedom. In a REAL separation leading to divorce you can date and honestly say you're divorcing, and make a new relationship/life for yourself. This way, you can't, and she still holds all the cards until she chooses to divorce you when she can get the most out of it. And, she can probably date - women have an easier time of dating when separated - and will divorce you when she has someone new lined up.


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## ohsh...t (Feb 23, 2014)

Yes Lenzi but I didn't want to go down that path. The woman is ultra beautiful , quite famous in her field and very well married and I think my wife is just a little starstruck by them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ohsh...t (Feb 23, 2014)

She had said that she does not want another man and its not her priority right now. She said I am free to do what I like. Maybe she wants me to have an affair to make it easier on her conscience.
She has also admitted a month ago that once I an on my feet again working and in a rented room we can separate. She also says she has seen no lawyers. Don't know whether to believe it or not.
Something is not right though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ohsh...t (Feb 23, 2014)

lenzi said:


> So your inheritance will be considered marital, and she could theoretically end up living in your dad's house with your children while you're stuck in some small apartment somewhere paying her support. To add insult to injury maybe she'll meet some other guy (if she hasn't already) and he could end up living there too!
> 
> Given your wife's behavior and your dad's health issues, you just might want to get a jump on her and start divorce proceedings ASAP.
> 
> Again I don't know how the divorce laws work in your area but if you're already filed prior to getting the inheritance you just might be protected.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ohsh...t (Feb 23, 2014)

Could be a good idea . But then I think of all my screw-ups and maybe If I can do the right thing she just might reconsider. But your idea is more realistic and I have thought about it. .. From the way she has treated me at a time when I stopped sleeping pill addiction , drinking etc and I was pretty down , and she didn't give a damn , I don't know if I could trust her if she made up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

ohsh...t said:


> Could be a good idea . But then I think of all my screw-ups and maybe If I can do the right thing she just might reconsider. But your idea is more realistic and I have thought about it. .. From the way she has treated me at a time when I stopped sleeping pill addiction , drinking etc and I was pretty down , and she didn't give a damn , I don't know if I could trust her if she made up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wait a minute! She's saying the best you can hope for is a permanent limbo of separated but not divorced. Why would YOU be willing to settle for that?

C


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

OP, you are about to get hosed. 

Your wife's actions are speaking very clearly, but you are busy listening to her words. She wants out. She wants to string you along (as in you better fix yourself and be a better beta male provider) and maybe....just maybe she won't divorce you. What a favor!!! It seems you of course are blaming yourself for this too. Perfect for her. You can shoulder the blame while she walks away.

Your story is the same as many on here. So, what are you going to get out of the relationship if this carries on in its current state? You get what? You get to be "married" to someone who is star-struck by some female model. You get to be financially responsible for someone who is not interested in being in a relationship with you. You get to be celibate and chaste while she wanders off. You think her being an ardent Christian is any defense to her finding a romp while you sit at home becoming a better husband???

Osh...t, open your eyes, brother. You know what you need to fix within yourself, but it has to be for you - not to regain your wife. 

My recommendation is to stop being "okay" with things you really aren't with. The more you supplicate and try to "nice" her out of this, the faster this will degrade. 

Where is it that you want to be with this?


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

Push every excuse aside including the religion and her being star struck. She tossed up the idea of divorce. Take it seriously. Don't give her a separation - give her a divorce. If this situation is going to get any better for you it's going to get worse first. If you're mentally unstable don't put yourself in a position when you are going to compromise your mental health any further. Distance yourself from her as quickly as possible.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Keeping an inheritance separate is hard long term, you cant just open a bank account in your name only in a community prop state, that doesn’t make it exempt since all bank accounts are community property. One name on account in community prop means nothing. 

Even if you inherit a house, while the house is separate from community prop laws you use money to pay property taxes, pay utilities, make repairs that money comes out of community property. Eventually it becomes mingled with marital and creates a headache. These problems tend to happen in longer held assets during a marriage say it was inherited 15 years ago. I am going thru this mess right now. Its just not a clear and easy as everyone thinks. 

You could have legal papers drawn up with giving up legal rights to the inheritance in the case of divorce. Either way you should have some type of legal document if you follow the plan of permanent separation. 

You may not want a divorce but a permanent separation isn’t an answer either other than giving you chance to set up your owns lives and eventually divorce. She can fight a divorce all she wants but it only takes one to divorce.


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## ohsh...t (Feb 23, 2014)

@ Marriedbuthappy-I am currently unemployed and she has been the breadwinner since August 2013. I have had part time seasonal work since then but unfortunately have a big gap in my CV from years ago that affects me up to now. I feel like a loser.

@ P BEAR- I shouldn't be willing should I. But I am still not 100% sure of her plans.

@ Helolover- I take your point and think you are right. Its good to hear people saying this because it helps me stop swaying back to the trying to save it bu.....t.

@ICLH- I must come across as mentally unstable? I think your point is right though.

@Honcho- In the country we live, not the US, she would be able to claim around 50% of an inheritance. However I am not sure if she is motivated by this. Maybe she just hates my guts. A few years ago I had a good sum of money and I offered half for her to look after. The only condition was she treat me nice and initiate sex from time to time. She initiated once then nothing and was super absorbed in her work and was tired all the time. Later she made a big thing about her being repulsed by me trying to buy her. I almost agree with her.


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## ohsh...t (Feb 23, 2014)

@ Heartbroken- Thanks for the nice words
@NICKGTG @ ICLH @ Lifeistooshort, @WTF2012- She would be entitled to 50% where we live because there is no home for the children.
@ Slowlygettingwiser- I think you make some good points and I have pondered these things too. it could be a mix of everything you say plus the fact she cant stand me anymore. She is very very proud about the idea of accepting anything from my family. She constantly says this is not about money and she wants none of it. She has said though that she wants me paying child support asap etc, which of course is righjt and the decent thing to do.

But I am so shocked she wants a separation followed by a divorce or a limbo situation and how cold she has become to me that I don't know if I can trust her. I say that but realize now (and realized in the past but didn't act on it or tried to act but didn't succeed) that she has been hot and cold with me for several years and I was surviving on scraps from her. Though in fairness I was giving her scraps too of nearly everything outside the bedroom and am to blame. I wish I had been to therapy and got over my problems.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

ohsh...t said:


> @ Marriedbuthappy-I am currently unemployed and she has been the breadwinner since August 2013. I have had part time seasonal work since then but unfortunately have a big gap in my CV from years ago that affects me up to now. I feel like a loser.
> 
> @ P BEAR- I shouldn't be willing should I. But I am still not 100% sure of her plans.
> 
> ...


Your reply to Honcho is very telling. There's a few things you need to do today:

1. You are what you believe. You tell yourself that you are a loser, you are. Stop. You need to change your inner narrative. If your self-value was wrapped up in your role of husband or your self esteem was based on your relationship/marriage, you need to find another source of esteem - yourself. Stop relying on others. You're a man and extremely capable to take care of yourself (you just have to realize it and believe it).

2. In order to do 1, you need to start taking better care of YOURSELF today. This is multi-faceted. You need to start getting in better physical shape. Do something everyday. Treadmill, taking a walk, lifting weights, paint cans, whatever you have at your disposal and whatever is in your budget. Stop making excuses. If you are depressed and feel that you are mentally not together (and you may not because of your marital situation), I recommend you make an appointment to see a counselor and then go see them. You're thinking about fixing a marriage and I think you need to work on yourself first in order to attack the marriage problem. 

3. Stop chasing your wife. So far: she says she is repulsed by you. She says she wants out. She sounds mean. I'm sure she has her reasons, but I am talking to you now. At this point, you will not be able to "get her back" until she is attracted to you again. If she hates your guts (and that's her business) it is not your problem, nor is it yours to fix. She owns her feelings. You don't base your esteem from the way she feels about you. 

4. You need to change the way you interact with her. Read up here on TAM about the 180. Your new focus is on you and your preparation to move on without her. I recommend in addition to your self-focus, you then focus on your relationship with your kids. Be the best father you can...every day.

5. Find work now. Now. Do something every day to find work. Another problem in your marriage is a power imbalance. You are living off your wife. Never a good thing. She may feel you are just another kid to feed. Difficult to feel attracted to you if you're unemployed and she's supporting you. No excuses about the CV gap. It's time to fill in the gap. 

I'm not trying to bust your chops, ohsh...t or tear you down. I'm making very strong recommendations. Do not let this situation define you. It is only a bump in the road of your life. It is up to you to pull yourself up and out of this situation.


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## RSFWID (Jun 5, 2013)

ohsh...t said:


> Hi I hope you will be able to give me a little advice. My wife just told me she wants a permanent separation but if I pull my weight work-wise/responsibility-wise/personality-wise etc she WON'T divorce me. To that I asked her if she would have me back and she replied that she doesn't know. We have children and i am devastated. She initially told me our marriage was over days after New year. She realizes I have had some depression issues, situational depression according to my therapist and I don't know if she is trying to be gentle. She values me as the children's father and says she will put up no obstacles between me and the children but we as a couple are over.
> 
> She is a christian but has told me she doesn't care about the Bibles stance against divorce any more. She said she no longer frequents a Church and that the Bibles stance on divorce is outdated. this from someone who was ultra fanatical, changed churches 12 times in 10 years , owns many bibles and over 100 christian self help type books.
> 
> ...


I feel your pain. At this point I think you need to focus on finding a job, I know it's rough out there. I have my BSN and took me almost a year to find a job after finishing school. Not having a job is what pretty much crippled my M. As men, women expect us to be the providers and when you can't pull your weight they start to lose respect for you. When that happens it's almost impossible to get it back. See right now you don't have a leg to stand on because you're unemployed and most women fell if they have to struggle they rather do it by themselves. It's all about security. If you want to have a fighting chance at R, you have to find work. Evening if it means taking less money for the time being, by doing that you show her that you care about your family and your will to do what ever it takes to provide for your family. Trust me that's a big mistake I made in the past.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ohsh...t (Feb 23, 2014)

Im back , excuse my lateness in replying Helolover and RSFWID . I did not mean to be rude. I will address your points after I update. 
I decided on a plan of action the same day I read Helo's and RS's msgs. 
OK , last week I felt a genuine indifference to her , not 24 hr a day indifference but nearly which for me was good.

But last Monday night I sent her an email in utter desperation offering to transfer some property I own into her name. It has been heavily hammered by the recession , and I am a co-owner with a few other relatives. I didn't mention this initially because I didn't want my post to get confusing. These assets are very very hard to sell and I would need the agreement of 2 co-owners who refused to sell or develop prior to or at the peak of the market in 2007 but would happily sell now for half price . This has affected my mental health and caused insomnia , anxiety and God knows what else for several years. One of the co-owners is a genuine control freak with I and others believe passive aggressive , ocpd, and it was hell but thats another matter.

OK. She replied that money is not the issue and she wants nothing from me bla bla bla so I thought screw it Im going to do the 180 etc and did it with a few small lapses. 4 days later she tells me she is willing to give me a chance again if I will change, go to church, counselling etc. 

She said that she DOESNT want to be SELFISH and she feels bad about destroying our family. This after 2 months of feeling her hating my guts. Plus years of almost indifference with lapses of love. I asked her what sparked her change of mind and she said her cousin asked her what she wanted her to pray for. I have not discussed it intensely yet and feel anger and indifference and affection towards her all at the same time. 

My brain is semi numb and I think I do need some mental health help as some posters suggested.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ohsh...t (Feb 23, 2014)

helolover said:


> Your reply to Honcho is very telling. There's a few things you need to do today:
> 
> 1. You are what you believe. You tell yourself that you are a loser, you are. Stop. You need to change your inner narrative. If your self-value was wrapped up in your role of husband or your self esteem was based on your relationship/marriage, you need to find another source of esteem - yourself. Stop relying on others. You're a man and extremely capable to take care of yourself (you just have to realize it and believe it)
> You are 100% correct . I feel like I have needed her treating me nice as a catalyst for me achieving anything in life.
> ...


Thanks Helo I realise you are trying to help and only a fool would be offending my yours suggestions. Of course I was a little at first. Ha ha
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RSFWID (Jun 5, 2013)

ohsh...t said:


> Thanks Helo I realise you are trying to help and only a fool would be offending my yours suggestions. Of course I was a little at first. Ha ha
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm glad the hear this. Consider yourself blessed. Make sure you both attend MC together and express what you expect from each other going forward and work towards that goal. Be completely open and honest with each other. Also, make sure you get IC for yourself, it will make you a better person. Remember take it day by day, focus on the Now, and not the past or future. All the best to you and your family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

ohsh...t said:


> Thanks Helo I realise you are trying to help and only a fool would be offending my yours suggestions. Of course I was a little at first. Ha ha
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not offended if you take don't take my suggestions or do not reply. This is about you. Not me. 

Be well.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You are very mixed up about money. Though conflict over money maybe a killer in your relationship, you should not discuss the exchange of money for affection. What an insult to your wife.

She requested separation. Give her divorce.

Work on yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ohsh...t (Feb 23, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> You are very mixed up about money. Though conflict over money maybe a killer in your relationship, you should not discuss the exchange of money for affection. What an insult to your wife.
> 
> She requested separation. Give her divorce.
> 
> ...


Not sure what you mean exactly. The offer wasn't exactly money for affection. Money has been a huge stressor though as it has for everyone else. I feel my wife would of preferred me keeping a min wage job than what has happened. I have done plenty of minimum wage jobs in the past by the way and was fired from one in 2008 as I was turning up late ad I had insomnia because I was losing as much per month with real estate as I was making per year with the job.. 

So a lot of stress at home, telephone arguments with people involved and legal bills some I am still owing to this day. I only mentioned the situation with my father because I thought it was sufficient and didn't want over complicate. 


Also did you read that she wants to make up. My problem now is deciding If I can trust her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ohsh...t said:


> Not sure what you mean exactly. The offer wasn't exactly money for affection. Money has been a huge stressor though as it has for everyone else. I feel my wife would of preferred me keeping a min wage job than what has happened. I have done plenty of minimum wage jobs in the past by the way and was fired from one in 2008 as I was turning up late ad I had insomnia because I was losing as much per month with real estate as I was making per year with the job..
> 
> So a lot of stress at home, telephone arguments with people involved and legal bills some I am still owing to this day. I only mentioned the situation with my father because I thought it was sufficient and didn't want over complicate.
> 
> ...


Learn to trust yourself first.


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## ohsh...t (Feb 23, 2014)

RSFWID said:


> I feel your pain. At this point I think you need to focus on finding a job, I know it's rough out there. I have my BSN and took me almost a year to find a job after finishing school. Not having a job is what pretty much crippled my M. As men, women expect us to be the providers and when you can't pull your weight they start to lose respect for you. When that happens it's almost impossible to get it back. See right now you don't have a leg to stand on because you're unemployed and most women fell if they have to struggle they rather do it by themselves. It's all about security. If you want to have a fighting chance at R, you have to find work. Evening if it means taking less money for the time being, by doing that you show her that you care about your family and your will to do what ever it takes to provide for your family. Trust me that's a big mistake I made in the past.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi excuse the late reply,
Hopefully this self employed commission thing will work out but you know what I wish I could just get something physically wearing but mentally easy. I have had enough stress than I can take and it has dawned on me that the commission only thing is going to stressful. The problem is my CV gap is really a problem. I am talking years on and off for 10 years. And before then I had problems due to living abroad for several years . I used to apply for tons of sales/service jobs and they loved me in the interview but I wouldn't get the job. My last post explains a little more. Thanks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ohsh...t (Feb 23, 2014)

Conrad said:


> Learn to trust yourself first.


At first I thought , what a wise ass remark , easy to say When your 10,000 miles away etc but it quickly sank in . Do I trust myself? I am not really 100% in that one so your point is valid but do you have any tips?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ohsh...t said:


> At first I thought , what a wise ass remark , easy to say When your 10,000 miles away etc but it quickly sank in . Do I trust myself? I am not really 100% in that one so your point is valid but do you have any tips?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you in counseling?

The key to seeing through others is to first see through yourself.


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## ohsh...t (Feb 23, 2014)

ohsh...t said:


> Thanks Helo I realise you are trying to help and only a fool would be offending my yours suggestions. Of course I was a little at first. Ha ha
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi Halo, 
I have noticed my replies to your numbered suggestions are in the same font under yours. Sorry about that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ohsh...t said:


> Hi Halo,
> I have noticed my replies to your numbered suggestions are in the same font under yours. Sorry about that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Time to stop apologizing... he'll get over it


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## ohsh...t (Feb 23, 2014)

Conrad said:


> Are you in counseling?
> 
> The key to seeing through others is to first see through yourself.


I have known so many lying, scheming scumbags in my life that I am quite untrustworthy NOT of everyone but if people give me certain signals. I know there are a few areas where my wife gas lied and feel uneasy about everything else because if them
I cannot afford counselling at the moment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ohsh...t (Feb 23, 2014)

Conrad said:


> Time to stop apologizing... he'll get over it


Sure he will but I thought he deserved a apology.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ohsh...t (Feb 23, 2014)

Conrad, 

I meant untrusting not untrustworthy!! I hope so anyway
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Conrad is right. If you trust yourself, others, including your wife, will pick up on that and trust you, too. As a general rule of thumb, think before you speak. Less is more.

There is nothing wrong with a pregnant silence after which you say, "I am not ok with that," or "ok, we'll do it your way."

Once people are clear with what is supposed to or not supposed to come down, then you know what deal breakers are. If it is not okay for your wife to meeting toxic friend X and is supposed tell you when X calls, if she doesn't follow through, there have to be consequences.

By the same token you have to hold yourself to the same degree of reliabliity. Don't betray commitments to yourself without some compelling reason.


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## ohsh...t (Feb 23, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> Conrad is right. If you trust yourself, others, including your wife, will pick up on that and trust you, too. As a general rule of thumb, think before you speak. Less is more.
> 
> There is nothing wrong with a pregnant silence after which you say, "I am not ok with that," or "ok, we'll do it your way."
> 
> ...


Are you saying I talk to much Long walk?! Saying I have a big mouth? No seriously I understand your point. I do trust myself but cannot say I trusted myself dealing with some very complicated situations that effected my life which I doubt 99.9% would of trusted themselves if they were just a normal or half normal guy such as me. 
My problem is there have been too many compelling reasons. I realise I have to change that. Since starting working out my mood has been less depressed. So hopefully I will be more ergh is diligent the right word? Think so. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Boricha (Sep 29, 2013)

There are two sides to every story. Many are quick to suggest divorce. But you are an equal participant and not a victim. Do you have any addiction problems? You suffered from depression, is currently unemployed, and admit that you contributed quite a bit to your marital problems. Well what sane woman would be happy with that? And then you have posters saying you should divorce her? For what! You drove her to the edge. Don't worry about doing the 180. Man up, grow up, get a job, and be a dad and a husband for once.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

6301 gave you great advice. She is up to something. Learn as much as you can about the inheritance laws in your state. Then make a wise decision based on that.


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## ohsh...t (Feb 23, 2014)

Boricha said:


> There are two sides to every story. Many are quick to suggest divorce. But you are an equal participant and not a victim. Do you have any addiction problems? You suffered from depression, is currently unemployed, and admit that you contributed quite a bit to your marital problems. Well what sane woman would be happy with that? And then you have posters saying you should divorce her? For what! You drove her to the edge. Don't worry about doing the 180. Man up, grow up, get a job, and be a dad and a husband for once.


No addiction problems except gambling binges when under stress. But the losses are nothing compared to real life losses. Haven't gambled in over 1 year.

Its easy to suggest the man up , grow up bullcr..p!
Maybe you would be depressed if you had invested years planning a real estate development, had inherited some land, borrowed money and got some more and due to co-owners couldn't sell, develop or nada even though they gave you the impression you could at the time Just watch it go down and become unsaleable for anything less than half price over 5 years. And we are talking about the kind of money it would take me 50 years to earn in most jobs I could get. 

Apart from that which is only maybe 40 % of the reason for feeling down etc there is a whole bunch of stuff that would make a lot of people very unhappy.

Maybe your just a by the book person or maybe you like pissing men off. And why did you finish off with " for once". You know the ins and outs of my life? How do you know about what kind of father I am to make a statement like that ? You are not at Penn National so Get off your high horse!!!!!!


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## ohsh...t (Feb 23, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> 6301 gave you great advice. She is up to something. Learn as much as you can about the inheritance laws in your state. Then make a wise decision based on that.



I have been into the laws. I co-own property as well but didn't mention it at first as I was pissed off about the situation with my father and didn't want to confuse things or appear like a show off .So I suppose she could D now if she really wanted.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Are you a Christian as well? One thing I would definitely recommend is finding a different church that wouldn't support what your wife is doing. What she is doing is very anti scriptural imo. As Christians we are called upon to love even our enemies, so if she doesn't love her own husband that suggests a very deep spiritual problem.

Above all, do not move out of your house- no matter what.


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## ohsh...t (Feb 23, 2014)

wilderness said:


> Are you a Christian as well? One thing I would definitely recommend is finding a different church that wouldn't support what your wife is doing. What she is doing is very anti scriptural imo. As Christians we are called upon to love even our enemies, so if she doesn't love her own husband that suggests a very deep spiritual problem.
> 
> Above all, do not move out of your house- no matter what.


Hi ,
I am a Christian but not in the new born sense like her. I will admit it angered me when she was converting. She became less fun, less sexy, sometimes was at church till 23.30 at night and talked about nothing but God and her new friends. Spent more time with her new friends and dozens of bibles than me. And this was all after we had been ( I left her country to seek work in Europe so I could offer my son and her a better more safe life than what we would of had in Colombia were I was living at the time with her) separated for over a year, 10 years ago.
She has hinted in the last few days she does love me thinks we should go to a church together. I admit at first she loved me like crazy. But she thought marrying a foreigner would mean a stress free life and the and when she found out that I had some very complicated situations involving my family mostly involving money. Literally everyone at each others throats. She didn't think i was rich when we met as I was working 3 jobs and just getting by and we were happy.
I have been to several Evangelical churches over the last 2 months though. I may continue. thanks


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## ohsh...t (Feb 23, 2014)

Wilderness, 
funny thing just happened just now. I just made myself a coffee and some the milk spills down the cup and leaves a nearly perfect shape like 2 Devils horns on the table. Maybe i should go to church! LOl


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

ohsh...t said:


> Hi ,
> I am a Christian but not in the new born sense like her. I will admit it angered me when she was converting. She became less fun, less sexy, sometimes was at church till 23.30 at night and talked about nothing but God and her new friends. Spent more time with her new friends and dozens of bibles than me. And this was all after we had been ( I left her country to seek work in Europe so I could offer my son and her a better more safe life than what we would of had in Colombia were I was living at the time with her) separated for over a year, 10 years ago.
> She has hinted in the last few days she does love me thinks we should go to a church together. I admit at first she loved me like crazy. But she thought marrying a foreigner would mean a stress free life and the and when she found out that I had some very complicated situations involving my family mostly involving money. Literally everyone at each others throats. She didn't think i was rich when we met as I was working 3 jobs and just getting by and we were happy.
> I have been to several Evangelical churches over the last 2 months though. I may continue. thanks


When did she first become a believer on Jesus Christ? When I did, it put a ton of stress on my marriage. If she is a relatively newborn Christian the first couple of years can be tough. I think I became less fun at first, too…but with spiritual maturity comes a knowledge that living in the kingdom of God is anything but boring. 

My suggestion, if you are truly a believer, is to go to Jesus.


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## ohsh...t (Feb 23, 2014)

wilderness said:


> When did she first become a believer on Jesus Christ? When I did, it put a ton of stress on my marriage. If she is a relatively newborn Christian the first couple of years can be tough. I think I became less fun at first, too…but with spiritual maturity comes a knowledge that living in the kingdom of God is anything but boring.
> 
> My suggestion, if you are truly a believer, is to go to Jesus.


When we first met 14 years ago she used to make fun of all the New born Christians . She wasn't a rebel exactly as she was a goody two shoes type with a degree bar very tight Lycra jeans that a lot of Colombian women wear.

She was a virgin or so she still stays who had had several long term boyfriends and dumped them all for them not being ambitious, alpha enough.

But even though she was a virgin she was kinky from the start, physically and verbally and turned from a saint to a ergh i wont say the word in the bedroom.

Then 10 years ago she came to my country ( actually I'm mixed and was born somewhere else) but we came to were I had lived most my life . Her father back home suddenly has a heart attack and dies 2 weeks in. That was terrible for her. He was a nice man.

Then my family started snubbing her or being nice then saying things behind her back etc. Some really terrible things. Accusing her of being a voodoo priestess because its common in the region of Colombia shes from , it ended up nasty with me in between. 

And I had left my job to come collect her and my son in Colombia and found that the manager had left and the new guy wouldn't employ me. There was a lot of pressure and i went to lots of job interviews and no success. In the country I live about 30,000 people were blacklisted from 1985 till 2005 or so. Its in all the papers. Mostly people connected to unions or people who complained about safety etc. There was private 1 detective agency that compiled lists of blacklisted and gave them to all the big companies/employment agencies. I am not going to say what my case was but it was very complicated.

So about 3 weeks in she started living ( not literally) in the church and 2 months later was a fanatic and she gradually became boring, dismissive of me, and the other things I mentioned earlier. Several months later she was re-born. So she converted about 10 years ago.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

ohsh...t said:


> When we first met 14 years ago she used to make fun of all the New born Christians . She wasn't a rebel exactly as she was a goody two shoes type with a degree bar very tight Lycra jeans that a lot of Colombian women wear.
> 
> She was a virgin or so she still stays who had had several long term boyfriends and dumped them all for them not being ambitious, alpha enough.
> 
> ...


There is something wrong. Becoming reborn, especially over a 10 year period, should lead to a _better_ marriage, not a worse one. The bible says that the marriage bed is undefiled. If I were you I would look at her church to try and get to the bottom of the problem. What is her church like? I would start there to try and discover the problem.


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## ohsh...t (Feb 23, 2014)

wilderness said:


> There is something wrong. Becoming reborn, especially over a 10 year period, should lead to a _better_ marriage, not a worse one. The bible says that the marriage bed is undefiled. If I were you I would look at her church to try and get to the bottom of the problem. What is her church like? I would start there to try and discover the problem.


She has changed churches 12 times in 10 years. At present she reads magazines etc from several churches such as Joyce Meyer, K Copeland, and a few where we live and some from Colombia.


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## ohsh...t (Feb 23, 2014)

ohsh...t said:


> She has changed churches 12 times in 10 years. At present she reads magazines etc from several churches such as Joyce Meyer, K Copeland, and a few where we live and some from Colombia.


In most of the churches she has frequented she gets heavily involved in church social activities etc and sometimes admin. She says she always finds faults, corruption, people cheating pretending they are perfect and that type of thing. Or some churches were too Anglo and boring and the music wasn't hyped enough like the Latino/African ones.

Dont know what I did wrong,this was supposed to be the same post as above


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Why not find a new church _with_ her. Any legit Christian church would never condone her divorcing you or permanently separating from you. Any legit Pastor would never condone this part of your original post:



> _She is a christian but has told me she doesn't care about the Bibles stance against divorce any more. She said she no longer frequents a Church and that the Bibles stance on divorce is outdated._


You realize this is totally antithetical to the gospel- especially the 2nd sentence.


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## ohsh...t (Feb 23, 2014)

wilderness said:


> Why not find a new church _with_ her. Any legit Christian church would never condone her divorcing you or permanently separating from you. Any legit Pastor would never condone this part of your original post:
> 
> 
> 
> You realize this is totally antithetical to the gospel- especially the 2nd sentence.


She says now shes changed her mind and realizes she was being selfish.

Whats your take as a Christian about changing churches so often?


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

ohsh...t said:


> She says now shes changed her mind and realizes she was being selfish.
> 
> Whats your take as a Christian about changing churches so often?


My take is that there is something wrong. Seriously wrong. A spiritual stronghold of some kind. 

I don't understand- she changed her mind about what exactly? She was being selfish about what exactly?


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## ohsh...t (Feb 23, 2014)

wilderness said:


> My take is that there is something wrong. Seriously wrong. A spiritual stronghold of some kind.
> 
> I don't understand- she changed her mind about what exactly? She was being selfish about what exactly?


Changed her mind about separating from me. Being selfish for wanting to when we have children who love me. She has also said she loves me.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

We keep hearing about her.

What about you?


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## ohsh...t (Feb 23, 2014)

Me, well Ive made 32 phone calls, sent 8 emails and have been quite productive so far today by my standards lately anyway. aND IVE POSTED ALOT HERE
Am going to the gym later.
I am in two minds about her. Or more like 32! But I'm not madly upset like I was before. I'm feeling more clinical, less emotional etc. There are so many women out there but I have children and love them and partly love her.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ohsh...t said:


> Me, well Ive made 32 phone calls, sent 8 emails and have been quite productive so far today by my standards lately anyway. aND IVE POSTED ALOT HERE
> Am going to the gym later.
> I am in two minds about her. Or more like 32! But I'm not madly upset like I was before. I'm feeling more clinical, less emotional etc. There are so many women out there but I have children and love them and partly love her.


I would encourage you - strongly - to continue taking your focus from her and putting it on yourself.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Time to stop apologizing... he'll get over it


I'm good, bros. Never want/need an apology.


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