# Condom Broke, Wife Pregnant, Tough Situation... Any Thoughts?



## 784769204 (Jan 4, 2014)

My wife and I have been married for five years (we're both 30). It has been relatively rocky, especially the last couple years. We don't fight (as in scream at each other), we just have significant differences and personality clashes. 

About two years ago, we went to marriage counseling (tried a couple different counselors). Did that for about a year and a half. About 4 months ago, we decided to pour everything we could into the relationship but about a month ago we decided it just wasn't working and separated. 

Right before we separated, we had a condom break (the last time we had sex!). Well, of course, it turns out now she is pregnant. 

I am back at home with her but I am lost at what to do next. I feel an obligation to stay and try to make it work, but I feel hopeless that we will have much success relationship-wise since we have really worked hard in the past and it just didn't turn out. 

Lots of emotions right now. I just don't know what to do. I don't even know if I have a specific question, but any thoughts are appreciated. Anyone been through anything like this? Thanks!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

What does she want?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

What specifically isn't working? It's pretty hard to help without more details.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Well, you're kind of past the point of getting out clean, so would it hurt to try to fix things? As others have said, without knowing the details, it's hard to give much advice.

C


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

Maybe you can give it a try for one last time before divorcing for real? Also, maybe your counselor can't help you solve the issue, but changing to another counselor might help? We don't know the details so it's hard to know if it's workable or not. But then you both have to ponder if it's still worth a shot, and how you still feel about each other. In the end, if you do feel that it's not workable, then separation might be better, and your kid will understand it. Staying in a marriage that doesn't work for the sake of a kid will make the kid feel guilty later.

Certain issues might take years to solve, but there will never be any guarantee if they can be solved by the couple. It's up to you both to decide if it's still worth trying.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Sometimes FATE steps in for a greater purpose, Maybe I am too spiritual for my own good.. but I would be hanging on to this line of thinking... be open to it... don't do anything in haste.... I don't think condoms break very often at all... 

What are your underlying differences, causing such a divide..... can we start there ... share with us ...


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

This is your wife you married, not a girlfriend. She's pregnant with YOUR child man.

Marriage = Choice
Separation = A Choice
Having sex = Choice
Getting pregnant = Not a Choice.
Putting aside differences and working on your marriage = Choice.

Unless she has a mental condition / personality disorder,or she planned this, 
Then,
It's all up to you.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

kidding! This was just my first thought... which is not healthy. 

This is a tough choice. It doesn't look like either of you want to be together. 

Do you think there is a chance she will want to keep it regardless?

I can't see either of you sticking out 18 years without at least one of you looking elsewhere.

Would you like to have a child, regardless of who it is with? It won't enhance your relationship, but you might feel good about having had your kid sooner rather than later in life.

Could it be a blessing in disguise?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Put the marriage on a shelf. Let it be for awhile.

Right now, if she is keeping the baby she will need ALOT of support, comfort, and kindness. THIS should be your focus. 

If I were you, I'd give myself a time limit. Like one year from today.... and leave the bs at the door and just be there for your wife and child. 

Don't worry about what is fair.
Don't worry about what you want (for now). 

Just be there..... consider this a time for just GIVING to them.

Re-evaluate later.


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

Man up dude. What's hard to understand about that? You pull the trigger, that was your choice, and to man up to all consequences that follow that one choice.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'm less than surprised when a woman in danger of losing her security man becomes accidentally pregnant. It's the ultimate trump card. This one may be legit and it sounds like it probably is. If I was having significant relationship problems, I'd use condoms, spermicide, and probably limit my activities to oral sex just to be on the safe side.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

‘Gotcha’ Pregnancies Soar with Women in Their Late ‘30s


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Not-So-Accidental Pregnancies | Psychology Today


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Paternity test. Don't believe anything.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

unbelievable said:


> Not-So-Accidental Pregnancies | Psychology Today


Hmmmm ...very interesting.. do you think this was possibly planned by her ? Who wanted out of this marriage more so - you 784769204?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Make sure she is really pregnant. Did you actually see the broken condom?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Many years ago, I had a friends with benefits style relationship with this woman. We agreed from the start that neither of us were interested in marriage. When I was up for a job transfer and it was clear this arrangement would end, she asked me what I'd do if she got pregnant. Being an idiot but traditionally valued male, I told her I would do "the right thing". Not more than 2 weeks later, she "accidentally" got pregnant. I married her. A few years later, I caught her bragging to my SIL that she deliberately quit taking birth control because she knew that was the only way I'd marry her. This was a 36 year old, college educated professional.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> This is your wife you married, not a girlfriend. She's pregnant with YOUR child man.
> 
> Marriage = Choice
> Separation = A Choice
> ...


And I would add Love is a choice as well.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Many years ago, I had a friends with benefits style relationship with this woman. We agreed from the start that neither of us were interested in marriage. When I was up for a job transfer and it was clear this arrangement would end, she asked me what I'd do if she got pregnant. Being an idiot but traditionally valued male, I told her I would do "the right thing". Not more than 2 weeks later, she "accidentally" got pregnant. I married her. A few years later, I caught her bragging to my SIL that she deliberately quit taking birth control because she knew that was the only way I'd marry her. This was a 36 year old, college educated professional.


That is horrible. I am sure this happens quite often.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

SunnyT said:


> Put the marriage on a shelf. Let it be for awhile.
> 
> Right now, if she is keeping the baby she will need ALOT of support, comfort, and kindness. THIS should be your focus.
> 
> ...


I would make the minimum time limit two years. She is going to have to cope with pregnancy and then motherhood. These are generally both major events in a woman's life so do not expect 'normality' (whatever that is) to return before then.


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## 784769204 (Jan 4, 2014)

Thanks for all the thoughts everyone! 

Right now I am leaning toward shelving the thought of splitting up for now and keeping on trying to make things work. That path is somewhat depressing though since it feels like we put in so much work before and concluded it just didn't have a chance to work. However, the thought of the child having a broken home from the get go is more depressing and sad. I guess we'll see how it goes in the short term. I want to support her but if we're miserable that doesn't seem healthy for anyone. Luckily for her, she has a great support network beyond me of friends and family (her family is at our house 2-3 times a week and she is over there another 2 nights or so a week). 

I know the condom did break and don't suspect any "foul play" on her part.

She has been pretty even keeled about the whole thing. She is very excited about the pregnancy and I think that is tamping down some of her relationship anxiety. 

The only troubling thing of late was that she mentioned if we did split she might well endevour to not let me see the child. She said she didn't think she would do that but didn't know. I was a bit scared and hurt by that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

784769204 said:


> Thanks for all the thoughts everyone!
> 
> Right now I am leaning toward shelving the thought of splitting up for now and keeping on trying to make things work. That path is somewhat depressing though since it feels like we put in so much work before and concluded it just didn't have a chance to work. However, the thought of the child having a broken home from the get go is more depressing and sad. I guess we'll see how it goes in the short term. I want to support her but if we're miserable that doesn't seem healthy for anyone. Luckily for her, she has a great support network beyond me of friends and family (her family is at our house 2-3 times a week and she is over there another 2 nights or so a week).
> 
> ...


No disrespect...
Shut up and protect yourself.
She can't not let you see the child.
Get a DNA test just to be sure, please.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

How about just telling her your feelings about what she said? How about just being open and honest and vulnerable?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Many years ago, I had a friends with benefits style relationship with this woman. We agreed from the start that neither of us were interested in marriage. When I was up for a job transfer and it was clear this arrangement would end, she asked me what I'd do if she got pregnant. Being an idiot but traditionally valued male, I told her I would do "the right thing". Not more than 2 weeks later, she "accidentally" got pregnant. I married her. A few years later, I caught her bragging to my SIL that she deliberately quit taking birth control because she knew that was the only way I'd marry her. This was a 36 year old, college educated professional.


The lesson learned here is to not leave the woman you are having casual sex with in charge of the birth control. You weren't using condoms ... why?


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

784769204 said:


> Thanks for all the thoughts everyone!
> 
> Right now I am leaning toward shelving the thought of splitting up for now and keeping on trying to make things work. That path is somewhat depressing though since it feels like we put in so much work before and concluded it just didn't have a chance to work. However, the thought of the child having a broken home from the get go is more depressing and sad. I guess we'll see how it goes in the short term. I want to support her but if we're miserable that doesn't seem healthy for anyone. Luckily for her, she has a great support network beyond me of friends and family (her family is at our house 2-3 times a week and she is over there another 2 nights or so a week).
> 
> ...


WOW!! She said that??? Now??? 

As a newly pregnant mother-to-be she is actually considering the option of life without you and the "power" associated with motherhood? Using the child as leverage? Punishment? Those thoughts are actually in her mind so early in her pregnancy?

Dude, I respectfully suggest that you take a step back and assess the situation objectively. This is not about a couple having marital issues, and upon finding out that they are to become parents are now joined together as a family. This about a woman with a potentially new "bargaining chip" which she is already considering using in the future. 

The marriage is still in trouble and if it can't be repaired at this point in time, prior to the arrival of the baby, then it may be best to seek the advise of an attorney and make absolutely sure that your rights as a father are protected. Many children are brought up in separate homes and are loved by both parents (and not manipulated by one or the other).

Please consider your options carefully.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You don't try to make a marriage work. You make a marriage work. Sex leads to babies. The baby / child deserves and expects an intact family to be raised in. Put your pride aside and figure out how to be the best husband and father you can be. If you post the situation about your marriage, what you think is preventing your marriage from functioning, you will get alot of advice on what yuo can do to make your marriage function (i.e. provide happiness and fulfillment to everyone involved).


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Hicks said:


> Put your pride aside and figure out how to be the best husband and father you can be.


:allhail:


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

784769204 said:


> Thanks for all the thoughts everyone!
> 
> Right now I am leaning toward shelving the thought of splitting up for now and keeping on trying to make things work. That path is somewhat depressing though since it feels like we put in so much work before and concluded it just didn't have a chance to work. However, the thought of the child having a broken home from the get go is more depressing and sad. I guess we'll see how it goes in the short term. I want to support her but if we're miserable that doesn't seem healthy for anyone. Luckily for her, she has a great support network beyond me of friends and family (her family is at our house 2-3 times a week and she is over there another 2 nights or so a week).
> 
> ...


Up until the last part, I was going to say, give it a shot.

One very important question is "was the decision to split more you, her or TRULY mutual (which is rare)?"

I'm sorry but even the THOUGHT of excluding you from your child's life (assuming it's yours...you do need to DNA test) shows your wife's thought process and how little she thinks of you.

I truly believe that some women have NO IDEA how strong of a paternal drive some men have (most). My exwife got pregnant very quickly after the birth of my oldest child, due to health concerns it was decided that she should abort the fetus at around 8 weeks. I still tear up when I think about and I can't listen to Live's "Lightening Crashes" without crying (both some of the meanings of the song and that it was out at the same time period so it's a trigger for me). I always put some time aside to mourn my lost child on the date of the abortion.

If I was in your situation and my wife truly had that as a possible thought in her head. I'd divorce and ENSURE I was a 100% parent 50% of the time to my child.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

All I'll say is this, I have seen both sides of the equation. Staying together for the kids means you CANNOT show depression. A bad two parent home is worse than a good "broken home," I hate this negative term, with visitation.

Make sure you are all in if you are going to stay for the family aspect.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Up until the last part, I was going to say, give it a shot.
> 
> One very important question is "was the decision to split more you, her or TRULY mutual (which is rare)?"
> 
> ...


:iagree:

My thoughts exactly. That last statement from the OP in regards to his W's thought processes about the baby and his/her future really seemed to me a "red flag" in that she isn't all-in for a reconciliation but is already planning for an alternate future without her H in her life.


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

OP, be with her if you want to be with her and not just for the child. Your relationship wont work if that is the sole reason, as you both will resent each other in the longrun. Not being together will not make you any less of a father to that child. You dont want the kid to see their parents in a non loving relationship when they get older.

If you do want to stay with your wife than start the process of communicating and support now. I am sure both of your emotions are high so get the open line of talking going now. Best of luck whatever you decide.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

I do not think that you should be TOO worried that she said she thought about not letting you see the baby if you split.

With all the emotional and hormonal pressure that she is under it does not surprise me that her thoughts might have been a bit "off the wall". I often have thoughts cross my mind that I know would be harmful to my relationships if expressed but luckily for me I am in the habit of taking a deep breath before speaking this allows me to be sure of what I say before I say it. Not everyone can do this. For many people (but more commonly in those under pressure) it’s an instant "think it say it" with no chance to consider the consequences.

Once said you can't "un say" a thing.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

survivorwife said:


> WOW!! She said that??? Now???
> 
> As a newly pregnant mother-to-be she is actually considering the option of life without you and the "power" associated with motherhood? Using the child as leverage? Punishment? Those thoughts are actually in her mind so early in her pregnancy?
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:


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