# Talk bad to husband about mother in law?



## zebra (Dec 19, 2011)

Hello. I am from an Asian country. I would like to seek for your advices on my relationship with my husband and mother-in-law. From the first days living together, I found out that I don't get along much with my mother-in-law. In my opinion, she is the kind of person who always considers herself as the best, and nothing can compare with her son and daughter. She disregards her son-in-law because his family is poorer and in the same way, she always criticizes things that my parents give our son (her nephew). She has the exclusive power to raise our son, and always interprets that our son likes her the most in family. For me, to keep peace in family, I never complain about her to my husband, but I choose to live quietly and ignore everything. Therefore, my husband and his parents criticized me for the cold attitude and not caring for them. After 2 years, in a discussion with my husband, I had no way but talk out all those secret thoughts. After listening, he keeps normal attitude: just accept that his mother is a little bit self-pride, but mostly he thinks that I should accept her with both the good and the bad, and must communicate with her. Even though my opinion is disregarded I should follow and contribute to her way, then if her way is wrong then I will have the chance to do it in my own way.bla bla... After that, my husband and I talk with each other normally, I did not find out any difference in the way he treats me yet. However,I guess my husband must be sad because everyone loves his mother the most. 
I would like to ask you in this forum, what really happened in our marriage? Was I right or wrong when speaking out all these things? Did it affect our marriage after this story happened?
What should I do now? I would be much appreciate for your advices.


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## zebra (Dec 19, 2011)

Some one give me advices , pls. Was I right or wrong?


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

How your son becomes her nephew I am not sure.
I suppose by Asian you mean muslim. Or are they all the same there. Is your family also poorer, or has she something else against you. Do you all live together in the same house. What about your husbands father how does he treat you. How does your husband treat you otherwise.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Hi zebra, 

It's difficult to know what is expected culturally in your situation, but in my opinion, communication between a husband and wife is important so that both parties are happy within the marriage, so I think it was good that you talked to him and told him how you felt. Obviously by not talking, he noticed you were quiet around his mother and had to 'guess' as to why...and his mother is feeding him with the idea that 'you are a cold person'...now he knows how you feel and that you have not voiced your opinions out of respect for his mother's role in the family. I think the question at this point is, how do you feel after talking to your husband? He mentioned doing things your way if you don't agree...I suppose if you have a chance to do that, see how it goes?


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## Ring (Dec 5, 2012)

Dear Zebra, I feel for you. From my own experience, I read an article from the following website. It was useful to me--at least making me feel less lonely, now that I know there are many others feeling the same way. The article also makes me understand why my husband reacted in certain ways, and how I can try to make him understand me better. I have not yet succeeded, though; but at least now I have some guidance about how to work things out.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...200908/in-law-conflict-and-troubled-marriages.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

ahhh mothers and their sons....
I think you did the right thing, unfortunately it doesn't seem to have done you much good. A lot of men do have overbearing mothers and won't stick up for their wives as they should. There's not a lot that can be done about it unfortunately - if you are to stay married then you have to deal with her as best you can. I found the best way was to just agree with what she said on the face of it and then do pretty much the opposite when she wasn't there. It made me feel better anyway


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Isn't that quite common in Asian culture? For the mother-in-laws to be patriarchal? I also have heard that being "the best" is important...like being proud is important in Asian families only not quite so obvious?

If you don't mind me asking, are you Asian? Or are you a more "Westernized" Asian rather than traditional?


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## Mrs. Lima bean (Dec 2, 2012)

You situation is typical and I've been through it too. YOu are lucky also considering that your husband isn't taking sides. He probably just feels torn between the two. I too am married into an asian/middle eastern family...this is what i've found that helpful. #1 again you are lucky your husband isn't the type to side with his mom otherwise your life would be miserable. #2 don't constantly express your opinion to him about his family because some day it may create a bigger problem and he may take their side. #3 as for the coldness you need to play "with the 49 laws of power" (it's a good book to read and I found it helpful in dealing with in laws) the way to get on her good side is to swallow a bit of your pride and to compliment her on things such as her cooking and stuff even if it sucks. The way you get on the good side of prideful people you have to have in your life is to feed them what they wanna hear>>>which is praise. Then you see that you've cracked them a bit and then they'll include you. It is a game and ya it sucks but thats the way you gotta play it. Good luck to you.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

This is what a man doesn't want to see. His wife and mother not getting along! It's like living in a minefield.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

zebra said:


> Hello. I am from an Asian country. I would like to seek for your advices on my relationship with my husband and mother-in-law. From the first days living together, I found out that I don't get along much with my mother-in-law. In my opinion, she is the kind of person who always considers herself as the best, and nothing can compare with her son and daughter. She disregards her son-in-law because his family is poorer and in the same way, she always criticizes things that my parents give our son (her nephew). She has the exclusive power to raise our son, and always interprets that our son likes her the most in family. For me, to keep peace in family, I never complain about her to my husband, but I choose to live quietly and ignore everything. Therefore, my husband and his parents criticized me for the cold attitude and not caring for them. After 2 years, in a discussion with my husband, I had no way but talk out all those secret thoughts. After listening, he keeps normal attitude: just accept that his mother is a little bit self-pride, but mostly he thinks that I should accept her with both the good and the bad, and must communicate with her. Even though my opinion is disregarded I should follow and contribute to her way, then if her way is wrong then I will have the chance to do it in my own way.bla bla... After that, my husband and I talk with each other normally, I did not find out any difference in the way he treats me yet. However,I guess my husband must be sad because everyone loves his mother the most.
> I would like to ask you in this forum, what really happened in our marriage? Was I right or wrong when speaking out all these things? Did it affect our marriage after this story happened?
> What should I do now? I would be much appreciate for your advices.


its ok to speak up. You and your husband should be communicating. He may not like what you said, but he will get over it. That said, I think his response was actually good. he didnt take sides, he seemed logical in his response.

That said, in your situation, I am assuming there is no way for you to live separately with your husband away from the extended family. In that case, I would suggest putting on a happy face and bearing it for the most part. You should push back on the issues that you really care about. Life is give and take after all. Just pick your battles carefully.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

It sounds to me like you're doing the right thing. You have let your husband know how you feel. You recognize that this is something that could ruin your marriage if you make a big deal out of it, but you have chosen to accept the situation by simply letting the people be the way they are and not trying to force anyone to change. 

When she does things that are unkind, you seem to have found ways to address them privately without giving others a reason to dislike you. 

I think you're a wise young woman.


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