# I don't know how to continue



## down_low (Apr 15, 2015)

I've been together with my wife for 15 years, 5 of those married. My wife and I are 30 and have a 2 year old. We've come to a point where I don't see anything good about this relationship, I feel its like poison, corroding and eating me alive.

I ask myself every day what is it that my wife brings to our relationship but I keep getting a blank. Everything just feels one sided and I'm the side that's giving and not receiving.

Sex, nowhere to be seen. Maybe, just maybe once every other month and its terrible for me. We always, ALWAYS start off with me first giving her an orgasm and when she is done then comes intercourse. Problem is it doesn't last not even 5 minutes. She always find a reason to complaint, "oh I'm tired, hurry up", "don't touch me with dirty hands", "I'm not going to move", on and on to the point where we just stop, fight and I have to go and finish by myself.

If it were only sex.

No matter what I do its never enough, to the point where she says I'm trying to sabbotage her. For example last night she went to get a shower and our son woke up when she turned on the shower and started crying. I inmediately went to him to console him and try to get him back to sleep but according to her I woke him on purpose, made him cry and ignored him for I don't know what reason.

Everything is on my plate. I go out to work, get home to figure out what everyone is going to eat, so I have to either cook or order delivery, she never cooks, maybe once or twice a year. I then have to do all the dishes because again she won't do it, I do all the laundry, all the grocery shopping, cleaning, organizing, take our son to the playground, so on and so forth. Any and every home chore you can count on me doing it.

Her excuse is that she cares for our son all day while I'm at work, and I understand that but the problem is that this didn't start with the birth of our son, this is something thats been going on for many years, since we live together which is 6 years now.

Worst of all is the fact that she doesn't trust me. I feel everyday like I'm paying for something she thinks or fears I've done or are doing but I've never actually done. I don't cheat and yet she treats me like a cheater. All I try to do is help her and understand her and yet she sees me like someone who is trying to hurt her at every possible turn, like I wake up and think "how am I going to hurt her today?" 

And yet every time she pulls me back in with promises of sex or that she will hurt herself, even going so far as saying that if she kills herself she will kill our son with her. 

I have to add that I'm not the best or perfect husband but I try to be the best possible I can. I don't even have friends, zero friends. I go to work and come back home. I don't go out, I don't drink, never cheated, never raise my hand againt her and do more than anyone could expect in a relationship.

I do yell and raise my voice when I'm angry though.

But her? She is even going out of the country with friends for a week on vacation while our son and I stay home, and I'm paying for the trip.

Yet every day she makes me feel like the worst husband ever.

I don't know how to proceed. I've thought about divorse but I'm scared of it, of the expense, of the emotional trauma, even of how she will fair after the divorce.

I need some advice as I can see the end of my rope getting closer.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

Good god, man. I'd be more scared of living with her as a husband than living without her after divorce. I couldn't see a single positive thing in your description that she brings to the table. 

I guess the real question is whether you still love her or not. If you do, then some serious counseling is in order, both individually and together. If you don't, then you need to just rip that band-aid off and file for divorce.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You know what you do as a husband and father, then why does what she says make you feel you're not? Do you need her approval to prove yourself as a good man? She's not your mother.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Lots going on there...

What DOES she do?


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

I think if my husband did 1/3rd of what you do in your marriage I'd have a perfect marriage. I do have to say you knew of her behavior before you married her having lived with her for 6 years. I would encourage you to assert your dominance as the head of the household and leave her a list of wifely responsibilities that needs to be done before you get home. If it's not done, then have your ultimatum s ready. My husband thought all household duties and children rearing was my duty as the wife and mother but when he came home with no dinner, no clean laundry and an unkempt house for several days, he got his head out of his arse. I was working full time as was he but his job ended at five and my second job was just beginning. The stress got much worst after we added our second. I had started to resent his freedom while my life was spinning out of control. Before what I did, I did talk to him about being overwhelmed. He came from a household where his mom stayed home and his dad worked outside the home so his dad did nothing inside the home.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

Ugh...she sounds like a complete leech.

What do you fear in divorce that will be worse than what you're going through in marriage?

Its true that you may end up financially supporting her since she's too lazy to work but you're doing that now and it will be termed and eventually end. Right now, you've got no end in sight.

As for how she'll fair, she's an adult, you're not her father. You being in the picture clearly isn't doing anything to help her....she needs to help herself and take responsibility for her life. You need to worry about yourself and your child.

How is this situation continuing going to work out for your kid?

By the way, the next time she threatens to kill yourself or she dares to mention that she'll kill your child, please call the police...she needs to be admitted for observation and possible treatment for that...that is not normal or ok.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

I'm an advocate for saving a marriage under any reasonable circumstance............you two don't have a prayer.........get out now! Save yourself man! This woman hates life.....not you in particular.....There is life after the crash!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You need to get out. Period.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Time to call it quits. You've only been married for 5 years so she likely won't get much spousal support. If you wait much longer your goose will be cooked financially.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

down_low said:


> And yet every time she pulls me back in with promises of sex or that she will hurt herself, even going so far as saying that if she kills herself she will kill our son with her.


This right here is a HUGE deal breaker. I would be pursuing full custody and trying to get her in for a psych evaluation after a comment like that.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

She could have been abused as a child but whatever...
Get out.


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## Shake_It_Up (Apr 1, 2015)

I thought I was reading my own post, right up to the time you said she talks about killing herself and killing your son. WTF?!?!?!?!?! Why are you still there. Pull your head out of your a$$ and get that baby out of that house. In the meantime, download a voice recorder on your phone, and make sure it has a voice activation feature. That way it only runs when it needs to and you can simply keep it on all the time. You need proof of her lunacy. 

Check the laws in your state to find out if it's a 1 party or 2 party state. If it's a 1 party state, you can record every conversation without her knowing. You don't need her permission. If you're in a 2 party state, who cares. Whatever it takes to protect your child. 

Get the F out!!!!!


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

I smell functional, slow burn BPD.
There are a couple of members here who have lots of first hand experience with them. Im hoping they will chime in.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Shake_It_Up said:


> I thought I was reading my own post, right up to the time you said she talks about killing herself and killing your son. WTF?!?!?!?!?!


:iagree:

OP... :wtf:


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## down_low (Apr 15, 2015)

Thank you all for taking your time to comment.

I must add ths the killing herself and our son with her are one of those "attention desperation" moments. She won't actually do it, in fact she then says the won't make it that easy for me...

On other things I don't seek or need her approval. My biggest problem with myself I believe is that I doubt myself. 

I doubt myself, everything about me. It may be her doing but still I doubt myself. The doubt makes me believe sometimes that I'm the one that's wrong, that maybe she is right.


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## M0M_SDG (Apr 7, 2015)

I say you should try counseling to work on YOU, so you can stop self doubt. Then you will have the confidence to leave or maybe it will change the situation. 

From what you have said you should be very confident and are an amazing husband. If I could just get my Husband to do at least a quarter of what you do....UGH!


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

DL, I agree with Samurai that the behaviors you describe -- i.e., event-triggered irrational anger, verbal abuse, controlling behavior, feelings of entitlement, lack of empathy, inability to trust you, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting that your W necessarily has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it or another PD.

I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot know the answer to that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as very controlling behavior, always being "The Victim," and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your W's issues. Only a professional can do that. One reason for learning these red flags, then -- like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack -- is to help you decide whether there is sufficient reason to spend $150-$200/hour to seek a professional opinion. Another reason is that, if she does have strong BPD traits, there is some risk that she will pass them on to your son, either through genetics or mistreatment.



> My biggest problem with myself I believe is that I doubt myself.... The doubt makes me believe sometimes that I'm the one that's wrong, that maybe she is right.


DL, if you determine that your W has most BPD warning signs at a strong level, you should consider yourself very lucky that you are only "doubting" yourself. When spouses have been living with BPDers for five years, it is common for those spouses to become so confused that they feel like they may be going crazy. 

Indeed, of the 157 disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5), BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. This is one reason that therapists see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going crazy -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.



down_low said:


> I need some advice as I can see the end of my rope getting closer.


Like all the other respondents, I advise you to divorce her and fight for custody of your son. Yet, because you are not yet emotionally ready to do that, I suggest that you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and your young son are dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you read about BPD (and narcissistic) warning signs to see if they seem to apply.

An easy place to start reading is my list at _*18 Warning Signs*_. If most of those red flags sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join Samurai and the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, DL.


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## ShameLessLover (Nov 5, 2013)

down_low said:


> She is even going out of the country with friends for a week on vacation while our son and I stay home, and I'm paying for the trip.


WTF!


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