# why is my husband upset?



## alania (Oct 25, 2011)

So we go through this same cycle over and over again and it has just about torn my marriage apart. My husband and I try to make a decision and while we are discussing it, he throws a temper tantrums, calls me names, and shuts himself away from the family. Tonight somethig simple, we were deciding to order a pizza since we didn't take anything out to thaw for dinner. He said "two large pepperoni?" And I said "one should be plenty". That set him off. He started saying how I always have to have things my way and then he threw his phone down and said "order it yourself queen". Ok so at this point I'm pissed, and back in the day I would've escelated this to the point where I packed his stuff and threw it out the door for acting so childish. 

But we have a 2 year old and 4 year old and I'm not doing that around them. So I thawed a pack of hotdogs out and made them hotdogs and green beans and ate one myself. I offered him one as well and he didn't answer me, so now I'm getting the silent treatment. 

I walked in the room and asked him "can you please tell me what is really bothering you"? He said "your a ***** and I hate you". He's been telling me that a lot lately, but you see he won't leave . I've asked him and begged him. But he went to the police academy 2 years ago and still doesn't have a full time job. He is a "reserve officer" which means he just kind of fills in when people call out. 

About a month ago he acted like this only much worse and I packed all of his stuff and asked him to leave. I told him I just want love and respect. That's all. He cried and begged to stay and promised to imroive. Which is what he always does. But he never gets better. Today he actually mirrored my words back to me and said "i just want respect". 

Don't ask me how but we've been married for 7 years and have has cycles of.these arguments over the years. He used to always apolagize but now he list throws his temper tantrums and then a few hours later acts like nothing is wrong. When I try to talk about it he says "im over it move on". 

I have acid reflux and an inflamed esophagus because I'm constanlty stressed about our relationship. I'm a nurse and I work two jobs so all of our bills are paid. I handle the finances which he resents, but I withdraw $100 a week just for him every week. And that's separate from the gas and grocery fund which he also manages. Any large expenses we decide together. 


Please tell me what to do. I've tried everything. We basically have no sex life which I now realize is because he pushes me away emotionally. Sometimes I try to initiate but he usually refuses me. I'm depressed over this but I just gotta keep working and taking care of my kids.


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## alania (Oct 25, 2011)

Now he is storming around the house burping very loudly and passing gas on purpose because he knows I find it disgusting. I mean, really? This is the man I married? Its like he is regressing to a teenager. I swear he has been 10000 times worse since becoming a police officer. It's like he feels the sudden need to constantly rebel against me, like I'm married to a friggen teenager.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

He sounds childish, and/or possible has some mental disorder he has yet to be diagnosed with. Maybe bi-polar or BPD. If not that, then possibly depression/anxiety, however he needs to be seen by a doctor and let the doctor decide. 

MY suggestion to you is stop packing his stuff and throwing his things out the door. Thats just as childish. I understand you're upset, but that doesn't help things. Have a heart to heart with him. Tell him you think its best if you both seek some counseling. Tell him you have a concern for him and for the marriage. Tell him you will call and make an appt. this week for a counselor. If he refuses, you could still go.


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## alania (Oct 25, 2011)

Antidepressants made him worse. He was snapping and cussing at the kids on wellbutrin. He calls the doctors a bunch of money hungry quacks and says "of course they always say everythings my fault and your miss perfect" . He says he will go to counseling but always gets out of it at the last minute, usually by starting a fight and then refusing to leave the house with me. 

I try to talk to him, constantly. He says he can't stand the sound of my voice. He used to at least take care of the house. But now does the made minimum. He barely exists.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

alania said:


> Antidepressants made him worse. He was snapping and cussing at the kids on wellbutrin. He calls the doctors a bunch of money hungry quacks and says "of course they always say everythings my fault and your miss perfect" . He says he will go to counseling but always gets out of it at the last minute, usually by starting a fight and then refusing to leave the house with me.
> 
> I try to talk to him, constantly. He says he can't stand the sound of my voice. He used to at least take care of the house. But now does the made minimum. He barely exists.


What do you want to do? What do you feel is best for you and your kids? Do you want to remain in this unhealthy situation? 

You can not help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Right now he has excuses for all kinds of things it seems. As far as the antidepressants making him worse, I believe some of them can in fact do that. Maybe he needs a simple medication change?


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## alania (Oct 25, 2011)

And if is thinks he can get away with treating us this way and I will just sit here and take it then what drive does he have to treat us right? I left him once and came back because he cried and begged and said he needed is and would straighten up his act . I'm supposed to just sit here and take it? I think he finally thinks we will never really leave because I always give in. I feel like a doormat and like I'm being taken advantage of. He barely works, gets his bills paid, has spending money, and treats us all like crap. What drive does he have to be better to us?

I forgive and expect him to do better. Someone once told me that if I leave he will become the man I wanted him to be for someone else.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

alania said:


> And if is thinks he can get away with treating us this way and I will just sit here and take it then what drive does he have to treat us right? I left him once and came back because he cried and begged and said he needed is and would straighten up his act . I'm supposed to just sit here and take it? I think he finally thinks we will never really leave because I always give in. I feel like a doormat and like I'm being taken advantage of. He barely works, gets his bills paid, has spending money, and treats us all like crap. What drive does he have to be better to us?


Most people who are not held accountable for their actions or have no consequences for them rarely change. They usually feel they have nothing to lose. So he probably thinks you will always be there. My guess is, if you left and didn't come back, he MIGHT change. He needs to change for himself anyway. Whether you are in his life or not. 

I'm not saying he will for sure, no one really knows. I don't think its a good idea to leave and then return because he begs and pleads and cries. Thats usually how that works for people who really don't change, they will do so much just to get you hooked and make you think they have changed, then they go right back to being the way they were before.


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## alania (Oct 25, 2011)

You aren't the first person to say he might be bipolar and I don't want to believe it but I think it may be partially true. He just went to take a shower was chatting about our week like nothings wrong. So I said "yours done with your tantrum?" He said, "i had a headache its better now" . This leaves me perplexing, frustrated and of course more pissed off than ever. Although if I continue to act mad he would tell me I need to just "get over it". He rarely admits to wrongdoing and constantly tells me I am "too sensitive" . As these arguments usually leave me in tears because I am so hurt and confused beating myself up trying to figure out what I am doing so wrong to make him so unhappy.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

alania said:


> And if is thinks he can get away with treating us this way and I will just sit here and take it then what drive does he have to treat us right? I left him once and came back because he cried and begged and said he needed is and would straighten up his act . I'm supposed to just sit here and take it? I think he finally thinks we will never really leave because I always give in. I feel like a doormat and like I'm being taken advantage of. He barely works, gets his bills paid, has spending money, and treats us all like crap. What drive does he have to be better to us?
> 
> I forgive and expect him to do better. Someone once told me that if I leave he will become the man I wanted him to be for someone else.



I really-really don't think that is true. Your husband sounds like a verbal and emotional abuser. Guys like that don't change. Truly less than two percent of verbal/emotional abusers change for the long term. Most of them just move on to the next victim. They will try to make the new relationship seem all cozy and happy just to make you feel bad but in the long term the new woman will be treated like you are being treated now. 

And even if he does change in the future so what? Are you really going to stay in this situation because he_* might*_ change sometime in the future and treat someone else better? Really, think about that for a second, you will put up with him trowing the phone, yelling, calling him names because you are scared if you leave he might treat someone else better? So what if he does? At least you will be out of the bad situation you are in now.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wow. How old is he, 5?

I'd kick his butt out until he can be a man. but I'm in a mood right now LOL...


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

alania said:


> You aren't the first person to say he might be bipolar and I don't want to believe it but I think it may be partially true. He just went to take a shower was chatting about our week like nothings wrong. So I said "yours done with your tantrum?" He said, "i had a headache its better now" . This leaves me perplexing, frustrated and of course more pissed off than ever. Although if I continue to act mad he would tell me I need to just "get over it". He rarely admits to wrongdoing and constantly tells me I am "too sensitive" . As these arguments usually leave me in tears because I am so hurt and confused beating myself up trying to figure out what I am doing so wrong to make him so unhappy.


You are not doing anything wrong. 

I have posted this list many times here in the forum but I am going to do it again because I think you really need it. 

Here are signs you are in a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship. . . . 

ignore your feelings? 
- disrespect you? 
- ridicule or insult you then tell you its a joke, 
or that you have no sense of humor? 
- ridicule your beliefs, religion, race, heritage 
or class? 
- withhold approval, appreciation or affection? 
- give you the silent treatment? 
- walk away without answering you? 
- criticize you, call you names, yell at you? 
- humiliate you privately or in public? 
- roll his or her eyes when you talk? 
- give you a hard time about socializing with your 
friends or family? 
- make you socialize (and keep up appearances) even 
when you don't feel well? 
- seem to make sure that what you really want is exactly 
what you won't get? 
- tell you you are too sensitive? 
- hurt you especially when you are down? 
- seem energized by fighting, while fighting exhausts you? 
- have unpredictable mood swings, alternating from good 
to bad for no apparent reason? 
- present a wonderful face to the world and is well liked 
by outsiders? 
- "twist" your words, somehow turning what you said 
against you? 
- try to control decisions, money, even the way you style 
your hair or wear your clothes? 
- complain about how badly you treat him or her? 
- threaten to leave, or threaten to throw you out? 
- say things that make you feel good, but do things 
that make you feel bad? 
- ever left you stranded? 
- ever threaten to hurt you or your family? 
- ever hit or pushed you, even "accidentally"? 
- seem to stir up trouble just when you seem to be 
getting closer to each other? 
- abuse something you love: a pet, a child, an object? 
- compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize 
you enough to keep you insecure? 
- promise to never do something hurtful again? 
- harass you about imagined affairs? 
- manipulate you with lies and contradictions? 
- destroy furniture, punch holes in walls, break appliances? 
- drive like a road-rage junkie? 
- act immature and selfish, yet accuse you of those behaviors? 
- question your every move and motive, somehow questioning 
your competence? 
- interrupt you; hear but not really listen? 
- make you feel like you can't win? damned if you do, 
damned if you don't? 
- use drugs and/or alcohol involved? are things worse 
then? 
- incite you to rage, which is "proof" that you are to 
blame? 
- try to convince you he or she is "right," while you are 
"wrong?" 
- frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you 
of misunderstanding? 
- treat you like a sex object, or as though sex should 
be provided on demand regardless of how you feel? 


Your situation is critical if the following applies to you:

You express your opinions less and less freely. 
You find yourself walking on eggshells, careful of when 
and how to say something. 
You long for that softer, more vulnerable part of your 
partner to emerge. 
You find yourself making excuses for your partner's behavior.
You feel emotionally unsafe. 
You feel its somehow not OK to talk with others about 
your relationship. 
You hope things will change...especially through your 
love and understanding. 
You find yourself doubting your memory or sense of 
reality. 
You doubt your own judgment. 
You doubt your abilities. 
You feel vulnerable and insecure. 
You are becoming increasingly depressed. 
You feel increasingly trapped and powerless. 
You have been or are afraid of your partner. 
Your partner has physically hurt you, even once.


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## RelationshipCoach (Nov 7, 2011)

Hi Alania, 

I agree with two of the posters here. 

I do believe that he is emotionally and mentally abusing you. He probably isn't aware that he is doing it as much as you are not aware that it is abuse - but he is certainly doing it - as you can tell from the nice list that was posted. 

I also agree with the post from Jamison - however, I believe that communication should be done with a purpose rather than just leaving it open ended with no goal. 

I know that you feel as though there is no where you can do with this situation, but there is always something you can do. The first thing you need to do is figure out what that is... What would you like to do? If you could do something about this situation right now, what would that be?

Once you figure that out, you need to talk to him about that and pretty much stand your ground on those terms. You always have a decision. 

Your next decision will be, if you can't do something about the situation, in that he is not willing to change (for example, go to therapy or seek some other professional help), what do you want to do? When you make that decision - how does that decision make you feel?

When your situation makes you miserable, you need to take action on the situation. You can't change people but you can change a situation. 

You say your husband does want to be with you and the children. So if he does, then he must be wiling to change the situation. 

I know how hard this is for you - I've actually been in a situation a bit like it (different variables) and it can change - it did for me. It really does take a step in the direction of saying, "That's it - I'm NOT taking this anymore and it's either we are going to make this relationship better or we're making this relationship go away - so which one is it?" ... I'm happily married now. 

Good luck! 
~~Marcelina


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Sometimes the "why's" don't matter. You have to do what is right for you and the kids. Whatever his problem is, he has to own it.


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## alania (Oct 25, 2011)

I know, you guys are right, I know in my gut how he acts is wrong and the thing is I always let him know it is wrong. The eye rolling , the flipping of the words back to me, the name calling. I just don't really feel abused or depressed because I have a hard shell. I tell him like it is and I know no matter how many times he calls me stupid that I'm not stupid. I had a rough childhood and some childhood trauma and maybe I've stayed with him due to some ingrained insecuroties or an unhealthy drive to keep a family and marriage together. But with so much divorce I feel like I have to try with every fiber of my being to make this work. I am reading a lot about behaviour modifications and it is quit interesting but exhausting. Tried something last night and it worked! I told him something he said was wrong and that I would not engage in any uneccesary interactions until he was ready to own up to it. This morning he put a note in my had that said love you have a great day. And tonight hasn't had any issues. 

I do long for the times when he is sweet and compassionate like tonight. I resent him when he is rude and says hurtful things. 

He's not physical at all, I mean he throws things but heck so do I. We've both actually gotten better with that over the years, because we don't want the kids to see that. 

It's hard, deciding what is emotional abuse, what is psyche issues, and what is just bad behaviour habits that are a result of bad communication or learned defense mechanisms over the years. 

I feel more clear headed today and can think more objectively. But when I get upset my head feels like its full of a black cloud of resentment.


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