# Frustrated Husband, Poor Sex Life



## arctictb (Jul 8, 2014)

Hi all, this is hard to write but I'm looking for advice and I need to communicate with someone. My wife and I have been together for almost 9 years, married or almost 6 and have 2 boys, a 4 yr old and 18 month old. We're both attractive, and physically fit and have been inseparable since meeting. During the first several years we enjoyed a great sex life. Like any couple, it ebbed and flowed but we seemed really compatible.

After our first child was born, she was unable to have an orgasm during intercourse. She could during oral, but very frequently turned me down, as she didn't feel pretty, or clean enough. This was certainly hard on me, as I had a million thoughts on what I was doing wrong. She quickly took on the mother role wholeheartedly and our sex life declined as a result of that. Lot of things started disappearing, all of the sudden she didn't want to have sex in the shower anymore, which I'd loved. She didn't want to have sex in the morning anymore, because she doesn't feel sexy. 

It resulted in my feeling pretty badly about myself, then I'd question her, and she wouldn't say anything which led to huge frustrations and finally arguments. Finally, about 5 months ago, we had a difficult talk and I stated that with all of my research, I never came across any medical condition that resulted in loss of orgasms from intercourse due to childbirth. She finally broke down and admitted that during her entire life, she had only really climaxed from intercourse twice, once with her previous long term boyfriend and once with me. She had been faking every time since the beginning. This devastated me. I understand that this i normal for alot of women, and that her past boyfriend had made a big deal out of it, and with me, she didn't want it to be a problem. I'm a very sexual person and she wanted to keep up. She saw her chance to stop faking it with our son being born, using that excuse. But I felt empty, and lost so much trust in her.

Before that and since then I've tried to do alot of things to spice it up, buying toys, setting nice encounters etc. Once we got through her long term faking it, we went to a marriage counselor and have been going off an on. The sex got a bit better and we were able to have mutual orgasms using the vibe. But still, our sex life is very bad. 

She doesn't show any interest, never talks about sex, and has said that its not that important to her. But then she says that she thinks about it alot, which is hard for me to believe because I never sense any real lust or sexual desire from her. Thinking back to all of the faked orgasms is still crushing me too, which also adds to my not believing her. I've asked about any fantasies, or any kinky things perhaps that she might like, but she says there aren't any. As it stands now, we have sex maybe once every 2 weeks. It's so hard for me to initiate anything because I don't feel any interest from her, even though she says that she wants me to initiate things. I feel like I'm spinning in circles.

I'm terrified and I don't know what to do. I really love her and am super attracted to her, but its torture being with her all the time and not feeling any passion coming from her. The trust issue has gotten worse, I wonder if she's having an affair since there is no passion. Its hurting an otherwise strong relationship. Money isn't a problem, our boys are amazing and she's an amazing mom, but this crucial connection, and passion is totally gone.

Anyone been through this on either side of the coin? Was there anything that helped?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Regarding orgasms during intercourse, it's very common for women not to be able to have them.

Regarding turning it around, this is possible. It's not easy.

But your situation is very common. She's not abnormal. Women are not driven by sex drives the way men are. They are driven by mothering drives.  So sex to a woman is a means to an end whereas to the man it's the main point of marriage. So, what will your wife gain out of being sexual with you? Will that be enough to override her mothering desire and all the teaching she's had in her life that sex is somehow bad?

Spend a few hours reading simmilar posts on this site, including the stickies in the men's clubhouse.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

She resents you most likely..start with that she cannot orgasm with someone she resents.
She only does not like sex with you currently.

Trust me...as to what to do? There is nothing except what you do for yourself for yourself..its her she needs to deal with it and that will take a long time and no guarantees at all.

You are not the only one in this situation it happens frequently...not your fault.

Center on yourself while she is this way, remain sane.
Your wife is not deaf she knows you are upset..she noted that.


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## arctictb (Jul 8, 2014)

Trying2figureitout said:


> She resents you most likely..start with that she cannot orgasm with someone she resents.
> She only does not like sex with you currently.
> 
> Trust me


Care to elaborate? To be clear, she orgasms strongly with oral or using the vibrator during sex. She admitted that she's basically never orgasmed from intercourse alone. I'm fine with that, I know its not abnormal, and have said this.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

arctictb said:


> Care to elaborate? To be clear, she orgasms strongly with oral or using the vibrator during sex. She admitted that she's basically never orgasmed from intercourse alone. I'm fine with that, I know its not abnormal, and have said this.


Its not about orgasms its about all the slights you have done to her since you met her and the long term relationship... most likely resentment she holds in like a vice, she used to find you hot now its a chore she would rather sleep or do anything else.. she will never tell you freely this.

look at her actions... sex is avoided with you even though she KNOWS you need it

BTW you are not liking this and she senses it...work the resentment angle if anything


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Talk to me OP cause I am just like your wife. How old is she by the way?

I am 43 and have never had an orgasm from a man throughout my sexual life. 

It started in my late teens when all my friends were getting an orgasm just from penetration or oral. I couldn't. BUt it wasn't an issue when I masturbated. 
When I got married in my twenties I behaved the same way as your wife did. We had a lot of sex initially and then I gradually lost interest. The reason being was because it wasn't so enjoyable for me. My husband became frustrated and I eventually confessed that I faked them. 

We both tried to combat this. He tried so hard to give me the time to relax. I tried to masturbate in front of him but I just couldn't orgasm. I would try for half an hour. Then feel frustrated and embarrassed... But I could rush to the bathroom, lock the door, and orgasm within seconds. It was so frustrating for me. Hence why I began to lose interest in sex with my husband.

I clearly have a mental block if I am with someone else.

That marriage ended and I have been in other short term relationships since then. I continue to fake my orgasms...but I still enjoy the act of sex. just accepted that I cant orgasm there and then.

My sex drive has hit the roof since turning forty. I don't care about orgasms anymore. I just want sex


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

How did she orgasm that once with you? 

Did you know that a womans nipple go rock hard when she orgasms.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Was it through oral? Or did she fake those too?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The real question is WHY would she fake orgasms?
Can you as a man comprehend faking an orgasm?

This tells you everything right there about the difference between men and women regarding sex. Her attitude toward sex is typical and normal for wives. Fixing this starts far outside the bedroom.

I agree with TTFO that there is resentment. I would not call it resentment necessarily... Just that she has unmet needs in the marriage just as you do.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Hicks said:


> The real question is WHY would she fake orgasms?
> Can you as a man comprehend faking an orgasm?
> 
> This tells you everything right there about the difference between men and women regarding sex. Her attitude toward sex is typical and normal for wives. Fixing this starts far outside the bedroom.
> ...


She fakes them because most men put such great importance on making a woman orgasm. Most men get annoyed if they cant make a woman orgasm.

I fake them because I cant be bothered with the drama if I cant get one. but it doesn't mean I don't enjoy sex


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

hibiscus said:


> She fakes them because most men put such *great importance* on making a woman orgasm. Most men get annoyed if they cant make a woman orgasm.
> 
> I fake them because *I cant be bothered* with the drama if I cant get one. but it doesn't mean I don't enjoy sex


There is the difference in attidues about sex between a man and a woman.

All normal. Has nothing to do with whether a woman enjoys sex. It's about the prominence of sex in the heirarchy of needs.


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## arctictb (Jul 8, 2014)

hibiscus said:


> Was it through oral? Or did she fake those too?


Thanks for the honesty and thoughts. She's 32, and she doesn't fake them through oral, and never has. With intercourse, now I typically do oral on her for a while, and then begin intercourse in a position where she can have her vibe on her. This works well and she's able to climax, sometimes quite easily. If we don't climax together, we continue on after I give her some time to relax.

Regarding the time she said I did make her orgasm, she and I don't have a clue, and frankly I wonder if she's just telling me that to make me feel better.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

arctictb said:


> Thanks for the honesty and thoughts. She's 32, and she doesn't fake them through oral, and never has. With intercourse, now I typically do oral on her for a while, and then begin intercourse in a position where she can have her vibe on her. This works well and she's able to climax, sometimes quite easily. If we don't climax together, we continue on after I give her some time to relax.
> 
> Regarding the time she said I did make her orgasm, she and I don't have a clue, and frankly I wonder if she's just telling me that to make me feel better.


Unfortunately, that is what lies do. So you have to decide whether she is lying now or not. I don't envy you that.

On another track, what is your interaction with her outside of the bed room? What kind of couple's time are you two getting? 

With kids, especially at those ages, it is very easy to fall into parent mode, where everything revolves around the kids and being mom and dad. You need to carve out some time where the two of you can be the friends and lovers that you used to be. Make sure you two get out and date occasionally, and not just the romantic dinner. Do stuff that you used to do while dating - mini-golf, or the arcade, or hiking and seeing a band. Fun things that show that you are fun to be around.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

For one, kids being that age is exhausting. I did not get back to my regular sexual pattern till my youngest turned 2. It's possible your wife feels this way as well. Enjoys sex when she gets it but would prefer to be left alone if she has some time.

For two, I was a long term faker. My faking came from a desire to be a good sexual partner. Good sexual partners should be able to get off, right? It came from a place of wanting DH to feel good.about his performance. And not knowing he just couldn't do it for me. 

Thirdly, I'm in the same situation with a partner who is not that into sex. Having been married for closing in on 20 years I can admit there is not much wiggle room. A less interested partner can have sex, initiate sex, meet expectations with sex because they know it's important to you. But not likely they will do these things because they want to do them for themselves.

It seems this is a very common plight, especially on this board. You have my empathy, though. In my mid 40's I have moments of shock regularly when I realize I might go through my whole life never feeling really sexually wanted. I don't recommend it. DH is so good to me in so many ways, though, that I don't want to divorce and move on. 

Best of luck to you.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Hicks said:


> There is the difference in attidues about sex between a man and a woman.
> 
> All normal. Has nothing to do with whether a woman enjoys sex. It's about the prominence of sex in the heirarchy of needs.


Um.... stay with me here... usually you rank higher what you enjoy or makes you feel better..just sayin'

So I believe it does have to do with the relative *enjoyment level of sex *between genders on average.

Thus men #1 or #2 and women #8 or #9 or off the list in most self reported surveys of marital needs of their spouse

Of course that means genders are different..what a thought...oh shun that not PC think happy thoughts only genders must be equal always here on TAM


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

faked orgasms...I would not be "crushed" by it. Its not any indication of your sex making capability. SHE has some issues, was embarrassed, and tried to hide it.

An orgasm, contrary to public opinion, happens in the brain! Not her Vag. The Vag is just the stimulation that helps it along. Stimulating her nipples can do it too. Lightly kissing her neck is a good start, a full body massage is a very good start.

So, JUST BECAUSE she can not cum with PIV sex, do NOT give up.

First, take the stress out of it. Get some scented candles, new age music playing, scented massage oil, and give her a nice half hour long massage. Really get at every place. Near the end, accidentally start to rub her ***** a little. Rub her nipples too, her oil covered breasts. Do it all slowly at first, then a little faster...then if she responds a little faster too. It may take her some time, but if he looks like she is starting to cum, rub even faster, and be a little rougher with the tits...really get her whole body rocking. 

If she can successfully orgasm that way, then one big mind-block will disappear, and follow on ones might happen much easier. 

I am pretty sure if she can have mind blowing orgasms, her interest in sex will improve dramatically. Just be prepared for a lot of work on your part.

Also, maybe give her a glass or two of wine first or a mixed drink. She seems mentally inhibited, and the alcohol might help get her over that hangup.


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## arctictb (Jul 8, 2014)

MissScarlett said:


> For one, kids being that age is exhausting. I did not get back to my regular sexual pattern till my youngest turned 2. It's possible your wife feels this way as well. Enjoys sex when she gets it but would prefer to be left alone if she has some time.
> 
> For two, I was a long term faker. My faking came from a desire to be a good sexual partner. Good sexual partners should be able to get off, right? It came from a place of wanting DH to feel good.about his performance. And not knowing he just couldn't do it for me.
> 
> ...



I'm so happy you responded. I actually read all of your posts when dealing with her admitted faking. They truly helped me understand things from her perspective and I cant thank you enough for that. Take solace in the fact that there are surely hundreds of anonymous readers like me who you've helped.

I feel the exact same way that you do, sometimes i feel trapped, and its hard to breathe. I love her endlessly, but I'm a very sexual person and deep down I know she wont be the same. Its selfish, but it depresses me quite a bit.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

arctictb said:


> I feel the exact same way that you do, sometimes i feel trapped, and its hard to breathe. I love her endlessly, but I'm a very sexual person and deep down I know she wont be the same. Its selfish, but it depresses me quite a bit.


I can honestly tell you that you actually don't *know* this to be true. Why? Because I was pretty close to the same spot. Not with the faking (though I know she embellished a fair amount) but definitely with the sex once every couple of weeks with minimal passion no initiation. Fast forward 5-6 years and she jumped me last night because it had been 4 nights since we connected. 

I will not tell you that you are wrong, only that you need to try. Some things that worked for me:

1) Non-mommy time, both with and without you - my wife got into the mommy rut, where everything was viewed through the lens of taking care of the little ones. So I worked to get her some time by herself (taking the kids or forcing her to go out with a gf for coffee) and some time with just me (arranging a sitter and taking her out);

2) Worked on myself - I got into better shape, did more around the house as a partner (stopped asking and just did stuff, did not expect anything, stopped waiting on her as the default) and picked up a couple of old hobbies. I needed to stop being a dad all the time and start being fun on occasion;

3) Time - as the kids got older, she got more relief from the round the clock care. That in turn made it easier for her to focus on other things, including us. Not necessarily the easiest thing to do, but part of the process. I will also say that as she has gotten older, she has dropped some of the earlier hang ups with sex and what good girls do and don't do. In many ways, women go through a heck of a lot more changes then we men do, both physically and mentally, regarding their roles as a person. Working through this can be challenging, but very rewarding in the end.

Again, there are no guarantees that she will change. You can't change her, only yourself. But I see no harm in working on it. If you don't, you can't expect anything to change. 

There are a lot of good ideas floating around


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Lila said:


> OP, are you more upset that she doesn't share your level of interest in sex or that she lied about the orgasms? Based on your post, it seems like the former. If that's the case, you're spinning your wheels.
> 
> Face it, she doesn't share your high level of desire for sex. It's a great gesture on your part to make the sex more enjoyable but you're only setting yourself up for disappointment by expecting her to be as passionate.
> 
> ...


I don't think she even sees at a a responsibility and if she does its a chore she does not like.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> I don't think she even sees at a a responsibility and if she does its a chore she does not like.


First cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> For one, kids being that age is exhausting. I did not get back to my regular sexual pattern till my youngest turned 2. It's possible your wife feels this way as well. Enjoys sex when she gets it but would prefer to be left alone if she has some time.
> 
> For two, I was a long term faker. My faking came from a desire to be a good sexual partner. Good sexual partners should be able to get off, right? It came from a place of wanting DH to feel good.about his performance. *And not knowing he just couldn't do it for me. *
> Thirdly, I'm in the same situation with a partner who is not that into sex. Having been married for closing in on 20 years I can admit there is not much wiggle room. A less interested partner can have sex, initiate sex, meet expectations with sex because they know it's important to you. But not likely they will do these things because they want to do them for themselves.
> ...



MissS -- 

I'm just curious - see bolded. I assume when you masterbated you could bring on an O..correct? why couldn't DH have gotten you off by touching you in the exact same way?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Lila said:


> We all know that you cannot force someone to feel emotions they do not harbor. OP wants his wife to feel something that she does not feel and that's at the crux of his displeasure with his sex life.
> 
> She's is graciously willing and available. It's unrealistic to expect her to genuinely match his enthusiasm (a.k.a passion) for sex when she's not really interested in it. Her only recourse is to fake it which is what brought this issue to his attention in the first place.


I understand this, yet find myself bothered by it. Apply this to other issues within a marriage. If I have no enthusiasm for talking with my wife, she will naturally quit trying to initiate conversation. You could tell my wife in that situation that she can't force me feeling something I don't, yet I doubt many would do that. I doubt anyone would counsel her to except me being willing and available to sit there and listen to her, with an occasional nodding, yes or no, or other words of acknowledgement. Nor would they hold back in blaming me for not showing an interesting in talking with my wife.

Perhaps it is because the tone of the OPs posts is that this is the price his wife has to pay, as oppose to something that she does not like to do as much as he does, but will to make her husband happy. That she never initiates or indicates that she wants this gives me pause. Like the friend that is willing to do things sometimes when you call them, but never ever calls you to do something, at some point you begin to wonder about the level of friendship that exists.

Again, I don't disagree with the idea in theory. Yet I still feel uneasy about merely accepting it for such a fundamental aspect of marriage.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I understand this, yet find myself bothered by it. Apply this to other issues within a marriage. If I have no enthusiasm for talking with my wife, she will naturally quit trying to initiate conversation.
> 
> .



Lucky you


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

Is she still nursing your 18 month old? Is your 18 month old sleeping good solid nights? These things can make a huge difference on her hormones. Prolactin lowers testosterone and estrogen levels, it's another of natures ways of spacing children.. I wouldn't make any judgements on where your gonna land until after baby is 2, sleeping thru the night, and is weaned.

Something that helps with my post baby body image is when my husband just takes the time to enjoy my whole body and tell me how beautiful I am. It's amazing what having your stretch marked post baby belly rubbed while your husband says admiring things, can do for your self image.. Also see if she would let you take sexy pictures of her. And then show your appreciation of the women you see in the pictures. Post baby bodies do not fit the image of what society says our bodies should look like but you can help her see that's not what you want. These things need to be done with no sex attached, just enjoyment of seeing or being near her gorgeous post baby body.

As for the lying there is a very good chance she wanted you to feel good. This is not lying done with any kind of malice. It's like her asking if she's put on weight and you trying to answer without hurting her feelings. A few pounds may not mean anything about your attraction to her but you realize she may not see it that way, so you don't really answer the question honestly. If like Scarlett mentions, she thinks that you would think she doesn't love you or that you are a bad lover, as a nurturer she may try to soften that blow, especially if she feels the inability to orgasm is her fault. This is very different than a lie done out of self-preservation or malice.

Resentment- you can look and see if that make sense but I'm guessing that's not it. If you are being honest with yourself you will know if you have been a jerk, you will know if there is reason for her to resent you. You can always try taking some of the burden off her and see if that helps. Offer to take care of the dishes or laundry or dinner, saying "you do so much for us, let me help you with that.". While she goes and pampers herself. And then make sure it gets done. No matter if she is resentful or not these little things go a long ways when you have little ones, I should know we have 6.

There is a great book called The Sexually Confidant Wife, you can check out their website and see if it's something that could help your wife. Thought I should mention the author Shannon Etheridge is a Christian so she does talk from that perspective and does address the issue religion can play on sexuality.


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