# You changed when I said I wanted to retire



## Bcause (5 mo ago)

This I finally heard from stbx as the turning point in our marriage where it all went bad. It was a point of discussion that we should have delved into but his reaction was to resent me for my opinion that we needed to wait 4-5 more years until reach age of 65 because of our insurance. I am a cancer survivor and he has some diabetic health issues too. Our debt, besides the family home is less than 20k, including his truck, because I was working g hard to get us to a place where we might be able to retire. I handled all the bills and investments other than his smaller 401k he started later in life. Married over 30 years.
during our 1-1/2 year divorce separation he never shared his feelings until now. he treated me like he hated me the later Years. I guess it was resentment. It opened the door for infidelity on his side. He won’t admit it but I know. Is this just an easy excuse as there is porn and breast cancer in issues too, or could he really being honest with me for a change?


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

He was with someone while you were in a 1 1/2 year divorce separation.

That's not infidelity.

At least not as it's typically defined. 

He could be honest about willing to change to try to save the marriage, but it won't ever happen.


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## Bcause (5 mo ago)

Trident said:


> He was with someone while you were in a 1 1/2 year divorce separation.
> 
> That's not infidelity.
> 
> ...


No the prior 2 years, lied about where he was for more according to bank accounts he hasn’t asked to reconcile


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## Bcause (5 mo ago)

Trident said:


> He was with someone while you were in a 1 1/2 year divorce separation.
> 
> That's not infidelity.
> 
> ...


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## Bcause (5 mo ago)

I should have been clearer. Wondering if that could really be the answer on why we fell apart. He has never been honest with me before about his feelings or is he blowing more smoke? I thought it was my bc or he just a player. That’s why I put it in the financial section. He is all about money. Has anyone else emotionally and/or physically left the relationship over when to retire? He didn’t leave, he just became abusive and was having affairs.Was he going to mess around until retire? And then what? My shares and retirement heavily outweigh his. I think he stayed because of the money. I was forced to sell the shares during the divorce so now he doesn’t have to worry about me retiring to liquidate them.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Bcause said:


> No the prior 2 years, lied about where he was for more according to bank accounts he hasn’t asked to reconcile


Oh well this clears things up.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Bcause said:


> I should have been clearer. Wondering if that could really be the answer on why we fell apart. He has never been honest with me before about his feelings or is he blowing more smoke? I thought it was my bc or he just a player. That’s why I put it in the financial section. He is all about money. Has anyone else emotionally and/or physically left the relationship over when to retire? He didn’t leave, he just became abusive and was having affairs.Was he going to mess around until retire? And then what? My shares and retirement heavily outweigh his. I think he stayed because of the money. I was forced to sell the shares during the divorce so now he doesn’t have to worry about me retiring to liquidate them.


He is just a POS. You may never know the truth. Cheaters usually change history to suit them. It could also partly be the BC or retirement. I guarantee he stayed for the money. And probably the wife appliance.

Don’t spend too much of your own mental space. You can’t change the past and you can’t trust what he says.

I mean how many cheaters just say.., oh I have weak moral standards and didn’t think I’d get caught. I Was hoping to stay at least until 65 when I can get Medicare and social security since I don’t have enough put away and my **** buddy wont pay for everything.


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## Bcause (5 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> He is just a POS. You may never know the truth. Cheaters usually change history to suit them. It could also partly be the BC or retirement. I guarantee he stayed for the money. And probably the wife appliance.
> 
> Don’t spend too much of your own mental space. You can’t change the past and you can’t trust what he says.
> 
> I mean how many cheaters just say.., oh I have weak moral standards and didn’t think I’d get caught. I Was hoping to stay at least until 65 when I can get Medicare and social security since I don’t have enough put away and my **** buddy wont pay for everything.





Anastasia6 said:


> He is just a POS. You may never know the truth. Cheaters usually change history to suit them. It could also partly be the BC or retirement. I guarantee he stayed for the money. And probably the wife appliance.
> 
> Don’t spend too much of your own mental space. You can’t change the past and you can’t trust what he says.
> 
> I mean how many cheaters just say.., oh I have weak moral standards and didn’t think I’d get caught. I Was hoping to stay at least until 65 when I can get Medicare and social security since I don’t have enough put away and my **** buddy wont pay for everything.


you are so right about the head space. I was doing so much better until I had to see him 3 days in a row to work out selling home after about 6 months of no contact Gotta get back to a good place


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Bcause said:


> I should have been clearer. Wondering if that could really be the answer on why we fell apart. He has never been honest with me before about his feelings or is he blowing more smoke? I thought it was my bc or he just a player. That’s why I put it in the financial section. He is all about money. Has anyone else emotionally and/or physically left the relationship over when to retire? He didn’t leave, he just became abusive and was having affairs.Was he going to mess around until retire? And then what? My shares and retirement heavily outweigh his. I think he stayed because of the money. I was forced to sell the shares during the divorce so now he doesn’t have to worry about me retiring to liquidate them.


One of the things my W and I did with the help of a Sex Therapist when we reconciled our sex starved marriage, was to visualize what our future would be in 5, 10, 15 years. Part of the discussion was what did we as a couple want to do together in retirement. We talked about it visualized it, made plans, and then Covid hit and we couldn't go or do any of them. It was a harsh lesson that life sometimes is unexpected. So we found other shared goals to focus on.

I realize that doesn't help you in your situation, but the point is in your next relationship, do visualize a future together, don't just drift along to the future.

You have endured a lot. That means you are strong and capable. Kick him to the curb, and move on with your life. Good luck.


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