# Just looking for opinions



## Tryingveryhard (Apr 2, 2013)

My wife and I are presently right on the verge of a divorce. I have battled with myself for a long time on the direction that our marriage was going, and have finally begun to come to grips with the imbalances and dysfunction that exists. I know without a doubt that I am extremely co-dependent, and that she is quite narcissistic. 
We are at the point that I am taking the next couple of days away from everything, family friends and work, in order to try and decide what I want to do, if I am even willing to try counseling, and to decide if I think this marriage can be saved.
I won't tell you I have been perfect, I have not. I had an EA about 10 years ago. But I put an end to it, and I admitted it to her, and we worked hard to move on from it. I will say that while I was the the one who strayed, it was at a point that she had completely cut me off emotionally, physically, and sexually, and I went outside of our marriage to get those needs met. That does not make it right, but that is what happened.
My problem right now stems from the fact that I have been trying and trying and trying to make things work, and to make her happy by being very beta-ized and by essentially doing everything for her. I know that this is not a way to attract a woman now, and I am working to change it, including joining CoDA and working a MAP.
But I have a hurdle with her that I am trying to overcome and I am not sure that I can. About 6 months ago, at the age of 36, I ended up in the hospital with some heart problems. At the time the doctors were not sure if it was an atrial fibrillation issue, or if I was having a full on heart attack. I had gone to our local hospital, and it turned out that I had to be transferred to a university hospital in Minneapolis. My wife ended up leaving me at the hospital just before the ambulance arrived to transfer me, and she went home. My parents came about that time, and they followed the ambulance up and stayed at the U hospital for a bit, and then they were told they had to leave. I spent the entire night in the hospital, not knowing what was going to happen, not sure if I was going to make it until the morning, and she abandoned me. She also did not come back the next day when I was released to take me home, because "she doesn't like to drive in the city".

So now I am at the point that we are considering a divorce, and she wants another chance. But try as I might, I can't get over the fact that at the worst point in my life, where I thought I might be at the end of my life, she abandoned me. And I can't help but wonder if I try to make our marriage work, if the next time the **** hits the fan, if she won't disappear on me again. I am just looking for feedback on this.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Do you have children?


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## Tryingveryhard (Apr 2, 2013)

827Aug said:


> Do you have children?


Yes, a 16 year old and 9 year old.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

In that case, counseling should probably be your next step. At least your children will know you tried; that won't be one of your regrets later in life.


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## Nicola12 (Apr 1, 2013)

I think counselling is a good first option...

However, I also understand your predicament as my relationship is similar where my husband is like your wife and I am/was like you... he has also left me in some precarious situations (illness, arriving in a strange country... odd situations).. I think I am particularly sensitive to the idea of abandonment but then many relationships with a strong N style personality with a co-dependent personality can be like that from what I read. 

My H and I called it quits 6 days ago. It's been 21 years and I am going through hell and I'd rather work it out. BUT there is some little part of me that is relieved... and it goes back to what you were saying... the thought lingers there. In fact, I'd go so far as to say, that I had almost decided that if we stayed together but down the track I got some horrible disease like C for example, that I would leave him so I could go through it by myself than have to endure the pain of him appearing/disappearing. 

Then again, it might have been extreme anxiety on your W's part or my H's part that cause them to flight. Not excusable when a partner is going through a medically difficult time though.

Good luck and I hope you can work it out.


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## Tryingveryhard (Apr 2, 2013)

I suppose I should also put in there that there is also a lot of other issues that I am finally facing after 18 years together. She is horribly irresponsible financially. More than once she has run us into debt, gotten us behind on the bills, and pushed us to the point of having no other option than to go to my parents to borrow money, that we then either pay back, or more likely I work off at their business in my spare time. This is on top of the fact that I already work an average 60 hour week at my primary job. She has insisted that we help to support HER parents from time to time, even though they both receive social security and her mother has been on "disability" for years from her last job. Any mention of just the idea that I work more than she does or harder than she does and she will have an out and out fit. I don't receive any thanks or kudos for the things that I do, but any of her small contributions must be fawned over. I dont' want to continue to feed her ego for the rest of my life, and while she is presently asking about counselling, I have severe doubts that she can or will change. The last time we tried counselling, because of the affair, essentially it was decided by the counsellor and my wife that everything was my fault and I needed to change. She had no problem with that, and I think that unless she finds the same answer this time, we will simply counselor-shop until she finds what she wants to hear.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Hey. First - sorry you're going through this. However, reading through your posts, all I can see here is that you want to leave and you're now looking for justification.

First - A marriage is a relationship between two people. Anything that happened during the marriage (borrowing from your parents, her getting you into debt, supporting her parents) was/is done with your approval. If you're not interested in doing that, you put a stop to it. You know, say NO. It's that easy. 

But that's really not what this is about, is it? If you really want help from us, you kinda need to come clean. My gut feeling is that you're having/you've had/you want to have an affair. I may be wrong. Only you know the truth.

Bottom line is - make up your mind and MAN THE F**K up. She's your missus, not your mother, and you're a grown man, so what if she gets angry when you say no or disagree with her? If she has to choose between having things differently and losing you, guess which she'll choose. Also - regarding the heart issue, I'll be brutally honest, that's not a thing. Unless she knew exactly how bad the heart issue was, there was no need for her to rush over and stay by your side. What good would it have done if she was sitting there? 

I think you're creating excuses here. If you want to leave, by all means leave. Leave because you're tired, and please, be bold enough to tell her "Honey, I'm tired, I'm leaving". It's hard enough being broken up with without guilt being thrown at you.


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## Tryingveryhard (Apr 2, 2013)

Caladan, you raised some good points, as much as I may have not wanted to hear them. No, however, no lover or affair in mind. Took a couple days to myself, went home and told her exactly that, I'm tired of carrying the relationship, and I am done. I did give in a bit, we are going to try counseling, both individual and couples, but we are now separated. I am putting a time limit of 2-3 months to see signs of changing for the better, or I am gone. So while at first I felt like telling you to GFY, I truly appreciate the verbal kick in the ass.

Oh, and the heart issue, we were told there was the possibility of stroke, heart attack, or embolism, she knew. Just saying.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Sounds like she's preparing to detach altogether, not a good sign. Get in MC now!! Maybe even get some individual counseling to give you some tools that will help you and the kids.


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