# husband no longer likes church



## Lovinmyhubby

hey guys! me n my then fiance used to go to church every sunday, wednesday..well basically anytime church was open we were there..he enjoyed it and so did i...but then a situation happened at church where the pastor misjudged something and told my husband he cant go back...Someone who really knew what happened went to the pastor and told him what really happened..so the pastor felt horrible and invited him back...my husband was so hurt from that that he is super turned off from church, talking about God or anything involving church. That was 3 years ago now..I really want for me and him to have what we used to..to feel like we can pray together and have faith in God like we used to...he never stops or discourages me from going...but i want him there too...He doesnt even want to listen to anything involving church either...im not sure how to handle..im going to continue to pray God changes his heart..but i just want some insight on someone who has maybe gone thru this...and am i being impatient? :scratchhead:


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## Pollon

Does he refuse to attend any church or just this one?

Would it be fair to say that your husband has a hard time with forgiveness? 

If he is generally forgiving with others, there would seem to be something more going on? What do you think that is?


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## unbelievable

I don't think you're being impatient. A person's religious beliefs is very central to who they are. Your fiance's values seem to be very easily shaken. He also seems to have a resentment problem and a forgiveness problem. What happens when you hurt him or let him down? People are human and they make mistakes. The pastor apologized. A mature man would accept that and drive on or he would find a different church. If your fiance's feelings were hurt, God wasn't in on the conspiracy. Sounds like this guy has an unhealthy dose of ego.


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## Runs like Dog

I'm with your husband. Once the clergy judge you, that's it. They're dead to me. Forever. I have left so many shuls over the years over things like this, some I was on the board of.


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## sharkeey

Sometimes people who were once faithful god fearing churchgoers figure out that there's really no bearded guy in the sky and it's all just a bunch of mumbo jumbo.

Respect his new found discovery and consider joining him in a healthy dose of athiesm. Spend your Sundays doing something fun, rather than kneeling to some guy in a robe going on about stuff you can't possibly use.


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## Mavash.

Instead of praying for God to change HIS heart ask him to change yours. God calls us to love our husbands as they are now fully accepting them as is. God has probably allowed this to happen to change you not him.

Your husband was deeply hurt and yet your biggest concern is how YOU feel. Think about it.


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## deejov

One of the hardest things with faith to accept is that everyone has the right to choose their own path. Actually, that's a hard fact of life in most aspects!

It's a sign of "Faith" that you can accept his ideas are different, and respect his choices. Even though you may believe deeply, he may believe something different, or not need to attend church to show his faith. 

Consider finding another church without a history between the two of you. That might help him to see that people do make mistakes, and the idea,not the bad memory, is what is important.


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## Mr Blunt

Your husband has made a few mistakes

The first is that *he has forgotten one of the most important things about the Christian faith which is forgiveness*. He has been forgiven but he does not want to forgive others? Blaming a hurtful church for an unforgiving attitude and choices is a cop out. He does not have to go back to the church but by what you wrote it seems like he is mad at God because of what the church people did.

*The second is that he is not separating God from hurts in the church.* The church is not the main place to get all tour spiritual growth and the church is not the perfect representation of God. The church can be a good supplement to faith but it is not the main source. The main source is YOU! We no longer live in the centuries where the common man had to ask the church about God. For the last 300+ years the common man has the opportunity to read the Bible for himself. In addition, man has always had the power to pray and seek God through his life. Don’t put too much responsibility for people’s actions in the church then turn from God... That lacks wisdom. I say that he has turned from God because you said that he is turned off about “…talking about God”

He is hurting himself by refusing to forgive and choosing to remain bitter.

Everybody gets hurt badly in life but it is not healthy to turn from God just because you have been hurt. He has had enough time (3 years) to let the hurts settle down.

I got mad at the pastor once and used that as an excuse to stray away from God and do my own thing. However when a crises hit our family and it was a situation of life and death, I let go of my unforgiveness because I wanted God to help me.

*Sooner or later your husband is going to need God.*

Luvinmyhubby, 
You are going to have to be patient as God has taught. This is a situation that is mostly between your husband and God. *The most important thing that I see is that your husband does not want to even talk about God. That is a problem of the heart;* can’t keep blaming the hurtful people at the church for your choices of the heart.


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## Maricha75

Runs like Dog said:


> I'm with your husband. Once the clergy judge you, that's it. They're dead to me. Forever. I have left so many shuls over the years over things like this, some I was on the board of.


You know, my mom had this problem with a couple of pastors who came to our church. We had one pastor who my mom absolutely LOVED talking with. She had him "well trained" (will explain further down). Our denomination rotates pastors every 4-7 years, usually. Well, we got a new pastor in... and this man rubbed mom the wrong way. She wasn't thrilled with him and his mannerisms as it was, but it got worse when he refused to marry my sister and her first husband...because THEY were not members of the church, yet. We girls grew up in that church. She hadn't been baptized and I think this pastor held that against her at that time. But, he refused to allow her to marry there, even with a DIFFERENT pastor, using THAT building. Well, we got an old friend of mom and dad's to talk to their church board about using their building. They said yes and my sister was married by a pastor of OUR denomination, in a different building. That started her resentment....

That pastor retired and we got a new one. Mom was hopeful. And then the same thing happened to my husband and me... he and I WERE members, and yet this pastor still refused to marry us, refused to allow us to use the church. Well, that did it for mom. That and the fact that this second pastor actually had the audacity to tell dad "you need to control your wife" :rofl::rofl: Control mom... HAHAHAHA!!! Fat chance!

Ok, so as for that first pastor. Mom and he were so funny lol. When she would go to church with us, she got that man on a schedule! See, this pastor had a BAD habit of being EXTREMELY long winded. Mom started out pointing to her watch to tell him "wrap it up!"... When we would have a Fellowship Dinner, she was usually in charge of the kitchen with one or two other ladies. She was the one who would come in and tap her watch. The pastor would say, laughingly, "well, my time keeper says it's time to go"...and he'd wrap up the sermon. This man always believe "cooking and cleaning is woman's work".... mom handed him a broom after Fellowship Dinner and said "get cracking"...and he DID! She got him to do dishes, sweep the floor, etc. His wife even came to mom one day and told her that he had been starting to help out AT HOME! Seeing this man in an apron, doing dishes, was priceless. And it is one of my fondest memories from that church. He was the man who baptized me. He is the man who, I wish, had been the one to marry my husband and me. 

My point is that a pastor's attitude can make or break a person's relationship with the church. Unfortunately, all too often, people follow the pastor in treatment of other members. And, for the life of me, there are only two things I can think of to tell someone they can never go to the church again...and both are criminal activities, for which the police would have intervened. I cannot fathom TELLING someone to never come back to church... that concept is foreign to me.


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## Lovinmyhubby

I agree w everyone. I just wish he would let it go and we find a church of our own!! I know he has been hurt all his life growing up, and he just doesn't have any hope. I pray I can continue to be patient without being pushy bcuz he's now my husband and I wanna be there thru good and bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VermisciousKnid

The pastor told him he wasn't welcome in his own church? Sounds more like a petty, judgmental, dictator than a man of God. Shouldn't everyone be allowed to worship? What did he supposedly do that was such an affront to God?

I don't blame your husband for thinking the way he does now. You don't need to attend church to live a spiritual life. You don't need to attend church to follow the teachings of the Bible. I have a big problem with people who think that going to church somehow demonstrates their adherence to the teachings of Jesus and that those who don't go are inferior to them. That would be the point of banning your husband, wouldn't it?


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## sharkeey

Lovinmyhubby said:


> I agree w everyone. I just wish he would let it go and we find a church of our own!! I pray I can continue to be patient without being pushy bcuz he's now my husband and I wanna be there thru good and bad.


Him giving up on church and god is good.

Even if you don't realize it. 

Why not try it?

Go for nice walks in the parks on Sundays. 

Worst thing that happens is that you start to suffer lots of misfortunes from not praying regularly and you can go back and atone for your sins or whatever the commonly accepted procedure is according to your chosen religion.

Hey if serial killers can get forgiven before theyre given the lethal injection and avoid a trip to Hell, I'm sure you can take a break from Sunday mass for a while.


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## MrsOldNews

sharkeey said:


> Him giving up on church and god is good.
> 
> Even if you don't realize it.
> 
> Why not try it?
> 
> Go for nice walks in the parks on Sundays.
> 
> Worst thing that happens is that you start to suffer lots of misfortunes from not praying regularly and you can go back and atone for your sins or whatever the commonly accepted procedure is according to your chosen religion.
> 
> Hey if serial killers can get forgiven before theyre given the lethal injection and avoid a trip to Hell, I'm sure you can take a break from Sunday mass for a while.


I don't attend church. I'm borderline atheist myself although I do consider myself to be agnostic. I'm saying this so you know I'm not some Bible thumped trying to shove religion down your throat. 
The OP asked about ways yo get her husband back into church, not how to denounce her religion. So why not chill out on your comments as they're bringing nothing to this thread.

To the op: Have you considered maybe having a go or two at counseling with him. If he can't let something go for 3 years maybe he needs help doing it.


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## sharkeey

MrsOldNews said:


> The OP asked about ways yo get her husband back into church, not how to denounce her religion. So why not chill out on your comments as they're bringing nothing to this thread.


Because I think she's being disrespectful of her husband's wishes which is to not go to church and I'm giving her something else to think about that she has not considered.

It's like a person posting "I want to have an affair and cheat on my spouse, how can I go find someone and keep it a secret" and someone else chiming in and saying that's not an appropriate thing to do and someone else saying "that's not the question they asked".

People don't always ask the right questions. That doesn't mean they can't be answered anyway.


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## 2ntnuf

Lovin,

Maybe I read your post wrong. I get the impression your husband is angry with God. He knows there is nothing he can do about it. He cannot speak with Him one on one and know what He is doing, so he has become frustrated with God for an injustice from the church as well as other things. 

Couple the frustration with feeling abandoned by God in his life and by his church and he has become depressed. He probably doesn't like it but doesn't know how to get out of it.


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## husbandfool

Church and religion are man made institutions. He can still believe and love God without participating.


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## EleGirl

I think that a lot of understanding him would be to know what the was kicked out of the church for in the first place and how unjust the pastor's assumption of his wrong doing was.


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## Lovinmyhubby

sharkeey said:


> Him giving up on church and god is good.
> 
> Even if you don't realize it.
> 
> Why not try it?
> 
> Go for nice walks in the parks on Sundays.
> 
> Worst thing that happens is that you start to suffer lots of misfortunes from not praying regularly and you can go back and atone for your sins or whatever the commonly accepted procedure is according to your chosen religion.
> 
> Hey if serial killers can get forgiven before theyre given the lethal injection and avoid a trip to Hell, I'm sure you can take a break from Sunday mass for a while.



we been on this "break" for 3 years..i want to go back now but he still doesnt


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## Lovinmyhubby

EleGirl said:


> I think that a lot of understanding him would be to know what the was kicked out of the church for in the first place and how unjust the pastor's assumption of his wrong doing was.


him and my dad do not get along. my dad started treating wrong after i told my dad he was mixed..so my dad raised his voice and started a yelling match with my husband at church and the pastor walked out and saw and immediately told my husband to leave..not even asking what really happened..but then as i had mentioned the pastor invited him back..the problem is everytime my husband opens his heart up to church..ppl act shady or do something to betray his trust..now he has up this stone wall and doesnt even want to try to go..im sad because i want us both back in church like old times..its been 3 years since that incident..


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## Lovinmyhubby

2ntnuf said:


> Lovin,
> 
> Maybe I read your post wrong. I get the impression your husband is angry with God. He knows there is nothing he can do about it. He cannot speak with Him one on one and know what He is doing, so he has become frustrated with God for an injustice from the church as well as other things.
> 
> Couple the frustration with feeling abandoned by God in his life and by his church and he has become depressed. He probably doesn't like it but doesn't know how to get out of it.


your exactly right, i feel sorry for him and i want to be patient..but idk how i can be when i want us to go back together..its been 3 yrs since then..i know for a fact he is angry with God..the things he says when i mention church or God is sometimes scary..idk what to do.:scratchhead:


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## norajane

Lovinmyhubby said:


> him and my dad do not get along. *my dad started treating wrong after i told my dad he was mixed*..so my dad raised his voice and started a yelling match with my husband at church and *the pastor walked out and saw and immediately told my husband to leave..not even asking what really happened*..but then as i had mentioned the pastor invited him back..the problem is everytime my husband opens his heart up to church..*ppl act shady or do something to betray his trust*..now he has up this stone wall and doesnt even want to try to go..im sad because i want us both back in church like old times..its been 3 years since that incident..


What is it about your husband that has multiple people...your dad, your pastor, others in the church acting "shady"...at odds with him frequently? Is there something about your husband that makes him an outcast? Is he aggressive or stand-offish? Does he have trouble trusting people? Does he walk around with a chip on his shoulder?

And what does being "mixed" mean and why would it cause your father to treat your husband badly?


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## Lovinmyhubby

the only person that has an issue with my husband is my dad..other ppl in the church never had an issue with him..things just happened..and as far as my church is concerned..the pastor kicked him out i think because he didnt want to deal with my father..but in the end he invited him back but who can go back after that?

and what i mean by mixed is is that his father is black and his mother is white..my dad doesnt like interracial relationships...im black by the way.


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## 2ntnuf

Lovinmyhubby said:


> the only person that has an issue with my husband is my dad..other ppl in the church never had an issue with him..things just happened..and as far as my church is concerned..the pastor kicked him out i think because he didnt want to deal with my father..but in the end he invited him back but who can go back after that?
> 
> and what i mean by mixed is is that his father is black and his mother is white..my dad doesnt like interracial relationships...im black by the way.


Couldn't tell what color and didn't care. I read your words. Correctly interpreting what you write is important. Sounds like he(really your husband and you) needs to be at another church? Is that possible? So difficult on your relationship. Wow. 

Friend of mine said something about this once when I asked. I said it seemed bigoted. If you don't mind, I am going to pray for you both and your families. Maybe it's time to pick your own church, which you both agree upon and "make your own mark" there?

I have noticed this in most churches I have attended. There seems to be a hierarchy of sorts among the congregation. It's a shame since the bible does not teach this, as far as I remember, but it happens. I guess we are all human, in the end and all fallible.

It is a hard decision. Your relationship with your family and your husband will be affected. I love my daughter and cannot see being mad at her for too long. No matter what happens. Sometimes it is pride that stops me from moving forward.


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## Bobby5000

Have you thought about doing a charitable activity. He may be able to reach spirtuality and that may bring him slowly back to the church. Ultimately you want to make the world a better place.


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## norajane

I agree with 2ntnuf. Maybe it's time to try a different church where your husband will feel more welcome and more comfortable. Have you offered to try that?

I think if he's angry with God, he's probably unhappy with his life. Happy people aren't typically angry with God. Can you help him work through what is troubling him about himself or his life? What do you think he'd like to change about his life that he might be struggling with?


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## Mr Blunt

> *By LovinMyHubby*
> i know for a fact he is angry with God..


Your husband is going to judge God by some bigot (your father) and a preacher who acts before he gets the facts?

Sorry, your husband is mixed up or he is using this as an excuse to be angry a God.

Tell you husband I said that he should grow up and quit feeling sorry for himself. *We all have been crapped on by bigots and weak Christians. Not a good excuse to scapegoat God because you have been hurt by other people.*


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## elizabethdennis

Lovinmyhubby said:


> but then a situation happened at church where the pastor misjudged something and told my husband he cant go back...


Why would a pastor do such thing? I do not know what happened that lead the pastor to react in that manner but regardless of what happened, isn't the church for sinners? Personally, I think no one has the right to tell anyone to stop going to the church. In fact, the more we sin, the more we need our church, pastors, and church mates. I feel for your husband.


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