# Just plain confused



## TheOneWhoLeft (May 12, 2012)

Where to start...I moved out almost three weeks ago. I have known for quite some time that I would leave; I just didn;t definitively know when that would be. The day I moved out a small argument had been the spark, but I just used it as the latest excuse to finally do something about my life. To make a positive change. I am 30 and my STBXH is 48. When we met we both knew the age difference between us would likely be a barrier, and at first he resisted our relationship, but back then we felt such a strong pull to one another that it didn't seem to matter. Fast forward 10 years, 6 years of which we have been married, and a 4-year-old, and life has changed. Our years together have left me feeling verbally abused, chained to the house, and lonely beyond the scope of the word. I emotionally checked out of the marriage over 2 years ago. Since then it's just been a matter of when I would leave, not if. Now that I have, he has been writing me letters and texts saying how much he misses me, how much he loves me, etc. etc. When I don't respond and don't buy into his tactics he turns mean and nasty and tries to use our son as a pawn against me, telling me he'll go for full custody of him just to hurt me. I know he doesn't have a shot at full custody, but it still gets to me, which he knows.

About a year ago I started having affairs...none of which my SBTXH knows about. I know it's wrong, but I don't really care. I've become someone I never thought I would be, someone I never wanted to be. I am completely numb to him, and I no longer feel any sense of right or wrong when it comes to the cheating. I suppose in an utterly selfish way it makes me feel liberated. I'm not condoning my behavior...but the positive attention I received was a payoff for me, even though I know I was just being used by my partners for sex. I have since come to realize the err of my ways - not in relation to my marriage - but to myself. The affairs left me feeling even more empty than before. I am still involved with my most recent partner, but it is more of an EA than a physical one. I have a hard time even considering letting that go, though I don't really know why. The thought of losing him sometimes makes me physically ill, though I've of course never told him that. I guess he is a reminder that I am not entirely numb as a person - that it is just to my husband that I am.

I focus my time, energy, and attention on our son, but the times he is gone and with his father are crushing to me. That is my only regret of the demise of my marriage - that I won't have my son to wake up to and tuck into bed every night. I always wanted more for him...I always wanted a stable home and stable family. But I suppose no one goes into marriage and family expecting it to end. Sometimes it just does. 

My biggest dilemma is now that I'm out of the house and have my own apartment and things have settled down somewhat (we haven't even filed yet) I am left with more time to think about things and I find myself grieving the life we once had. I know we can never get that life back, and I have no intentions of ever returning to him. But once upon a time I was happy with him and with life. I would be the last person anyone in the world would've thought could cheat on their husband. It's just not who I am. But as I've said, it's who I have become. I feel like all that remains of the person I used to be is my physical shell. Aside from that, I have become unrecognizable to most. And that is a very sad thing.
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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Oh grow up! You're making every excuse in the book to avoid taking responsibility for your actions and their greater consequences. You were the codependent care-taker in the relationship and enabled your husband to unknowingly take advantage of you because you couldn't stand up for yourself. Once you had enough of being "neglected" you ran into affair after affair until you gathered the self confidence to leave your boring but ok relationship.

Now you're stuck in waiting because you don't want to take the responsibility for ending your relationship so you're hoping time will make the decision for you. Truth be told, your husband doesn't stand a chance to the unreasonable expectations you now have for your ideal lustful fantasy of "the right man". But either way you are going to lose both and be very miserable not too far off in the distant future when you wake up from this fog and realize it was YOU making yourself so miserable. 

If you want to divorce your H because you think it will make you happier then by all means do so but don't string both men along. I guarantee you that your husband and you will fight through divorce and for some time after do to hurt feelings, and the OM will always look like the knight in shining armor for putting up with you and putting on an act so he seems like the better option. I'm sorry but you're not going to be with the OM for veyr long. He is an affair and you will never be able to trust each other, but there is someone who has put up with you all along.... and a cheating spouse is worst form an emotional abuser. 

As far as what's happening you're H is no different than most men during divorce. He cares about you a lot and feels betrayed by your leaving, but the way your acting is completely unfair to him. Either tell him you're with an OM and have no intentions of ever coming back and file a D or get yourself some IC and find out why you're so miserable. My guess is you just got bored and made excuses why you needed to stop having fun and stay home to be a "good wife". You can still have fun being married with children but you've got to plan most everything around your children and work even harder when your marriage is suffering. I'm sure if you gave your husband the chance, I mean honest chance with very reasonable expectations, he would sweep you off your feet again and do back flips to keep you satisfied.


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## TheOneWhoLeft (May 12, 2012)

Wow. Harsh.

Obviously there is a lot of history you are not aware of, but I suppose from what I wrote I can see why you would write what you did. I take partial ownership for our marriage failing, but do I think it is right to remain with someone who is verbally and mentally abusive? No. It was not a "boring but ok" relationship. I didn't leave out of boredom. I left out of a need to mentally and emotionally survive, and to pull my son out of the toxic environment of our relationship.

I do not have any unrealistic expectations for another man. In fact I doubt I will ever be able to function normally in a relationship ever again. What I do know is that I have only not filed out of financial constraints at e moment (moving is expensive) but I am not leading him on in any possible way. I have told him it is over, that I have no intentions of ever coming back, and that reconciliation is impossible. I give him no hope of a future together, so I am not stringing him along. Because of that fact, telling him about the OM would only cause unnecessary pain, anger, and resentment. We live in a no-fault state, so telling him about the OM is pointless and will only Sid in the destruction of what communication we have left, which is centered around our son only.
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## TheOneWhoLeft (May 12, 2012)

I don't think I properly explained. Missing butterflies? That makes me laugh. It makes it sound so simple. As if I simply "fell out of love" and got bored, decided to see what else is out there before trying to save my marriage. There was a time I would have done anything and everything -and did- for my husband. When things became rocky I suggested marriage counseling several times, but he always rejected the notion. I was constantly berated, name-called, and led to believe no one would ever want me. In fact he used to say he never worried about me cheating on him bc no one would ever even think of being with me. Well, that was 130 lbs. ago. Once I lost the weight he was all over me and it made me sick. I went from being a useless blob to him to being a beautiful woman, and suddenly I was good enough. There were times we would be out in public and he told me to stay at least 5 feet away from him so no one would think we were together. When I lost the weight he wanted to hold my hand and have his arm around my waist. I never changed as a person. I'm still the same overweight woman inside as I was before. He married me when I was overweight - it's not as if I gained it after we wed. He cheated on me 2 weeks before our wedding, and I should have ran then, but I was willing to work through our issues and try for the life we always wanted together. As I've said, am I condoning my affairs? Not at all. I should have left before straying. But I did what I did and sought out what I did out of a need I felt at the time to know that someday someone would want me. Perhaps it was my way of testing the waters and building my confidence in myself after years of harsh verbal, mental, and emotional abuse. Was it wrong? Yes, I don't deny that. Am I sorry for what I did? I can't say that I am. I guess that makes me a bad person. I guess it's okay for people to berate their spouses, but it's not okay for that spouse to lash out and make irresponsible decisions after a decade of abuse. I guess I was wrong to look for some kind of support on this forum. I just thought someone might understand and see my perspective. For someone to say, "no, what you did wasn't right, but hey...I can understand how you got to that point." Just didn't want to feel quite so alone in all of this, even though I know I'm where I'm supposed to be now - out of and away from his abuse and toxicity. But to say I need to grow up? To say all I was missing was butterflies? Wow. Okay.
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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

I deleted my post. My apologies. No one deserves to be abused.
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