# Not sure how to act...



## Kearson (Jan 18, 2012)

So my husband and I are getting a divorce...eventually. He works and I am a stay at home mom to our 3 year old.

I am sleeping in the guest room. We have worked out what things he will be paying for (bills, my school books, part of my student loans, food, etc) We have worked out who gets what when I move out. I will be here until I finish my degree and find a job. The soonest I can be out is early 2014 unless I win the lottery.

My husband has been pretty laid back about the whole thing. I think he gave up caring a long time ago and it just took me longer to get with the program.

He wants to stay married for the tax benefits, and so that he can put me on his work health insurance when it becomes available.

Logically, this is all great and makes sense and is super duper... however...

We are divorcing because my husband and I are incompatible emotionally and sexually. I need hugs and kisses and sex... he would prefer to never touch me, or be touched, and looks at sex as a chore that he is too tired to bother with.

I have needs that my husband can't meet, which is why we are calling it quits. But if we stay married until I'm ready to leave, then that means almost TWO MORE YEARS without being hugged, kissed, or laid... I know now that I cannot do that. I just can't.

Having an affair is out of the question. Although I believe that my husband fully deserves to be cheated on for being an ignorant mess of a human being, I cannot do it because I gave my word to keep my pants on, and I'm not going to break my word.

So while I am trying to reconcile this dilemma, I have my husband wanting to continue on with life like nothing is wrong. He comes home and parks himself in front of his computer, and any time he talks to me, it's to complain about work. Frankly, I don't care. I want so badly to tell him that I don't want to hear it...that I don't care if his job sucks, and that if he wants someone to listen to his crap, that he can find someone else. Why should I be there for him when he has totally abandoned me physically and emotionally?

I'm not sure if I am justified in that feeling, or, since he is still supporting me financially, if I have some 'obligation' to humor him and listen to him.

I am so horny and annoyed and my mind is just a chaotic mess right now. I need to get laid. The last thing I want to do is sit and listen to my husband complain.

So, I need opinions... should I suck it up and listen to my husband complain since he is still being reasonable and offering to support me until I'm ready to leave?

Or should I just avoid him so that he doesn't have the opportunity to complain to me about work?


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## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

masterurbate


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

How would he react if you sat down beside him st the computer, pulled out a hitachi magic wand and got down to business? Especially if he was *****ing about work. You can explain it as you making the best of both worlds. He gets to get work off his cheat, and you get to get off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Kearson: Before you do the 180 and call it quits; and since your husband is employed and must have some form of health coverage, I'd highly advise you two to immediately get into MC(Marriage Counseling). I have no idea if his behavior is being governed from his childhood, his romantic past, or what; but a skilled counselor could get to the bottom of it and tell you if you have a realistic hope of saving this relationship. They may be able to help him cope with his insecurities and coach him hopefully back into your arms. Conversely, the counselor will be able to pinpoint any of your personal contributing shortcomings.

I totally feel your frustration, but for the sake of trying to keep your family together, I would highly recommend that in your case, the two of you attempt to make one last ditch effort to go the counseling route before calling it quits.

You not only owe it to yourselves, but more importantly to your child. I wish you all nothing but the very best.


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## Kearson (Jan 18, 2012)

LoveMouse said:


> masterurbate


I already do this, but it's not the same as being physical with someone.


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## Kearson (Jan 18, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> Kearson: Before you do the 180 and call it quits; and since your husband is employed and must have some form of health coverage, I'd highly advise you two to immediately get into MC(Marriage Counseling). I have no idea if his behavior is being governed from his childhood, his romantic past, or what; but a skilled counselor could get to the bottom of it and tell you if you have a realistic hope of saving this relationship. They may be able to help him cope with his insecurities and coach him hopefully back into your arms. Conversely, the counselor will be able to pinpoint any of your personal contributing shortcomings.
> 
> I totally feel your frustration, but for the sake of trying to keep your family together, I would highly recommend that in your case, the two of you attempt to make one last ditch effort to go the counseling route before calling it quits.
> 
> You not only owe it to yourselves, but more importantly to your child. I wish you all nothing but the very best.


He will not go to counseling. He has made it clear that he has no desire to work on any of our marital issues. He's done. We will be getting a divorce, just not as soon as I would like, unfortunately.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Kearson said:


> He will not go to counseling. He has made it clear that he has no desire to work on any of our marital issues. He's done. We will be getting a divorce, just not as soon as I would like, unfortunately.


Really makes one question his motivation in asking you to marry him, That is so very strange!


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## Kearson (Jan 18, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> Really makes one question his motivation in asking you to marry him, That is so very strange!


He married me because I was pregnant. I can admit that now. He had asked me to marry him dozens of times when we were dating, but after a while I stopped taking him seriously. When I found out I was pregnant, he said we had to get married. I told him that I didn't want him to marry me just because I was pregnant. He said "Well I want to marry you anyway, it's just now we have to do it sooner." 

I found out on a Monday that I was pregnant and that Thursday we were married. It was dumb, I know. But I was going through withdrawals (I was a heavy drinker), I was drowning in hormones from the pregnancy, and I was scared out of my mind. He held me and told me it would all be okay. That he loved me and we would be a family and blah, blah, blah... yeah... I bought it...

I have given him many chances before now to get out... told him that I understood that we got married under the gun, and that maybe it wasn't the right thing to do, and he always told me "Well, *I* meant it when we got married, but if *you* didn't then you can leave."

Yeah... biggest mistake EVER!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Kearson said:


> He married me because I was pregnant. I can admit that now. He had asked me to marry him dozens of times when we were dating, but after a while I stopped taking him seriously. When I found out I was pregnant, he said we had to get married. I told him that I didn't want him to marry me just because I was pregnant. He said "Well I want to marry you anyway, it's just now we have to do it sooner."
> 
> I found out on a Monday that I was pregnant and that Thursday we were married. It was dumb, I know. But I was going through withdrawals (I was a heavy drinker), I was drowning in hormones from the pregnancy, and I was scared out of my mind. He held me and told me it would all be okay. That he loved me and we would be a family and blah, blah, blah... yeah... I bought it...
> 
> ...


Given that description, then I can't really help but think that perhaps he is(and has been) socially, maybe even somewhat sexually immature to even be involved in a married relationship, JMO.


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## ahhnold (Mar 28, 2012)

I have a hard time believing this is a real post. Unless a couple suffers from the illness of Obesity i don't see how a MAN will turn down sex. Its like saying a Gorilla would turn down a banana or something.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kearson (Jan 18, 2012)

ahhnold said:


> I have a hard time believing this is a real post. Unless a couple suffers from the illness of Obesity i don't see how a MAN will turn down sex. Its like saying a Gorilla would turn down a banana or something.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My husband and I are the same weights we were when we married almost 4 years ago (And I had a baby in that time. I gained 21 lbs during my pregnancy and lost it all within 3 weeks after the birth.)

I'm not sure if he's had a severe drop in testosterone, or if being sober just killed his sex drive, but yeah... he claims to have no interest at all.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ahhnold said:


> I have a hard time believing this is a real post. Unless a couple suffers from the illness of Obesity i don't see how a MAN will turn down sex. Its like saying a Gorilla would turn down a banana or something.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You'd be surprised how many husbands will not have sex with their wives. We have a lot of women who come here with exactly that problem. I've had the problem in my marriage as well.

A lot of time the man are using porn or having affairs so they are getting their sex elsewhere. And then there are some men who have issues with sex and just will not engage in it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your husband earn enough money right now for the two of you to live in separate houses/apartments?


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## ahhnold (Mar 28, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You'd be surprised how many husbands will not have sex with their wives. We have a lot of women who come here with exactly that problem. I've had the problem in my marriage as well.
> 
> A lot of time the man are using porn or having affairs so they are getting their sex elsewhere. And then there are some men who have issues with sex and just will not engage in it.


wow !!!! I am beside myself. Unless these guys are suffering from Obesity or are suffering sideffects from prescription meds I can't see how a Male can turn down sex !!!!!!!! Like WOW !!! they are pathetic and are not Worthy of the Title MAN. more like little boy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kearson (Jan 18, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Does your husband earn enough money right now for the two of you to live in separate houses/apartments?


My husband makes $10/hr and we live with his dad, and have since we married.

My husband has never lived on his own. He's either lived with his dad, or been in a college dorm. He's never had his own place, never bought his own car, and every time he has been drowning financially, or gotten in trouble, his father has bailed him out. Honestly, I don't think of him as much of an adult, and his outlook on life and things in general really reflects that he has lived a life of never having to be responsible for himself.

Believe me, if I could move out and be able to provide for my son, I would... like, yesterday. In the area we live in $10/hr is nothing to live on... even if we BOTH made $10/hr we'd be struggling to survive on our own. This is why I have gone back to school to get a degree...well, technically it will be my third degree, but the first two are pretty useless in the job world.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Kearson said:


> My husband makes $10/hr and we live with his dad, and have since we married.
> 
> My husband has never lived on his own. He's either lived with his dad, or been in a college dorm. He's never had his own place, never bought his own car, and every time he has been drowning financially, or gotten in trouble, his father has bailed him out. Honestly, I don't think of him as much of an adult, and his outlook on life and things in general really reflects that he has lived a life of never having to be responsible for himself.
> 
> Believe me, if I could move out and be able to provide for my son, I would... like, yesterday. In the area we live in $10/hr is nothing to live on... even if we BOTH made $10/hr we'd be struggling to survive on our own. This is why I have gone back to school to get a degree...well, technically it will be my third degree, but the first two are pretty useless in the job world.


Well you live in CA.... don't know where is CA. One of my brothers live in the LA area. He makes fairly good money and can hardly afford it. So I know what you mean about the $10 an hour thing not being enough there.

Could you divorce him but stay living where you are? At least that would give you some sense of separation.

Does his father know what is going on?

Or could you get some welfare, food stamps, housing etc and be on your own?


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## Kearson (Jan 18, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Well you live in CA.... don't know where is CA. One of my brothers live in the LA area. He makes fairly good money and can hardly afford it. So I know what you mean about the $10 an hour thing not being enough there.
> 
> Could you divorce him but stay living where you are? At least that would give you some sense of separation.
> 
> ...


I'm in Orange County.

I don't think I could divorce him and still stay here. That would be asking a lot from his dad, who, to answer your next question, has not been told about what's going on. I don't know if my father in law would let me stay if I divorced my husband, but I don't want to put him in the position of having to make that decision.

Getting housing assistance is out of the question. Applications for this year have already closed, and the wait time for help is 2-5 years. If I found a job that paid me enough to afford rent, with just enough to pay for utilities, then I wouldn't qualify for food stamps... so I'd have no food and no way to pay for day care for my son (because the line to get assistance for THAT is also a mile long)

Besides, those programs are spread thin, and there are plenty of women trying to get away from drug addicts and men that are beating them and they need it more than I do. I'm trying to escape from being irritated and sad for the rest of my life... some of those women are fighting FOR their lives and the lives of their children.


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