# Advice wanted on Exposure - do I do it or not?



## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

Hi everyone. My story is detailed in my thread here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...7005-another-new-user-another-sorry-tale.html but I wanted some specific advice on Exposure.

The outline facts, in brief:-
- I have a WAW who dropped the D bombshell on me a couple of weeks ago.
- I think that she had an EA (and possibly a PA) in the months leading up to it. All the signs were there - unexplained absences, "I don;t have to tell you where I'm going", glued to phone but very secretive about it, joined a socialising group and went out with new friends a lot, used a messenger-type iPhone App that conveniently leaves no text records, set up a secret GMail account, etc.
- She unfriended me on Facebook and Skype

Now my gut feel tells me that she was having an EA and the evidence supports that. My gut feel also tells me that the EA ended in the week before she dropped the D bombshell on me (trying to keep this brief but will go into more detail if anyone thinks its relevant) - presumably she blames me for her dream going up in smoke. 

Now a little bit of light snooping tells me that she was in contact with an attractive guy in his 40s during that time - she has his business card in her wallet and he is in her contacts for the chat App on her phone - one of only about 10 contacts and the only one with a photo. There is one unexplained overseas number (from my wife's home country) in the contacts but all the others are work colleagues, female or a "shoulder to cry on" male guy (but again, she has never mentioned him to me).

I have no access to her phone, her phone records or her secret email address - so very little means of gathering more evidence. 

So this is what it comes down to. I'm pretty sure that there was an EA/PA but that it's over. I have a prime suspect but next to no hard evidence. I believe the guy is married (electoral details show a woman of similar age to him living at his home address as well as some kids), but I am not sure that I have the correct contact details for his W - I can only track her down on Facebook and I am not 100% sure I have the right woman (she is listed as being in the US where she may or may not have lived for some time a while ago). Of course, this couple may have split up and he may be a recently separated guy on the prowl.

What do I do? Getting this wrong - wrong guy, nothing actually happened despite appearances, flat barefaced denial that I can't counter with solid evidence - could be catastrophic for the WAW situation and my 180 attempt. Is it worth the risk given that the EA seems to be over? What if he has access to his W's facebook A/C and intercepts message? What if his "wife" is actually his sister and on his side?

I think I should just leave it, but I'm not sure that that's just me being a coward. *What do others think? Should I do it - and if so, how?*

Oh, one other thing that may be relevant. I have already sort of called her on the EA. I have already told her that when a W is having a relationship with a man that she is desperate for her H not to know about then something is very wrong. She didn't say anything - kind of accepted it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I didn't expose my wife's affair. I wanted to protect her from the shame, so I told nobody and suffered in silence.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I believe in exposure to make sure people understand the type of person your wife has become. It's also good to embarrass her publicly and to extract a little revenge. As long as you have some degree of proof to protect yourself (you must be telling the truth), exposure is great revenge.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> I believe in exposure to make sure people understand the type of person your wife has become. It's also good to embarrass her publicly and to extract a little revenge. As long as you have some degree of proof to protect yourself (you must be telling the truth), exposure is great revenge.


Thanks, Middleman.

The revenge part comes later. I'm going to make sure that he gets named in the divorce papers if it comes to that. I have all the evidence I need to say that my W acted unreasonably in having a hidden relationship with this man, even if it was purely platonic and not an EA.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why do you think the affair is over? If it was I think she'd be looking to keep you around as plan B for a white longer.

You need intelligence info, I'd recommend a VAR in her car or where you think she would be talking to these guys.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

See, I'm thinking the sudden dropping of the new friends may have had more to do with her OM being caught by his wife, or a spouse exposing things. She may have been cleaning tracks, but why would you think it ended things.

Could well be she is going underground with OM. His wife maybe searching for your wife.

You may want to really find the OMW real world address and pay a visit during the day in person.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

Hey shaggy - thanks for the feedback.

The reasons I think it's over:-
- she got up in the middle of the night in the week before I got the D-bomb and deleted a whole load of stuff, including the secret email account and her subscription to the social site (which is where I think she met my prime suspect). I have independently verified this.
- suddenly a lot less interested in going out
- phone is suddenly a lot less interesting - takes up far less of her attention, checking it far less frequently
- semi-sexy underwear ("I wear it for me" - and to be fair she dresses very well and has always worn nice underwear) staying in the drawer - it's plain cotton briefs these days
- gut feel - she no longer looks like a woman who is getting that sparkle from hearing all those nice, sympathetic, sexy, appreciative things from OM. She looks depressed and careworn. 
- no sign of messages from potential OM in last few weeks (and history beyond that has been wiped - at about the same time as she got up in middle of night and deleted everything else). 

I suspect that either he got busted - as you say - or he got bored because he was doing all the nicey-nicey stuff but wanted her to put out and she wouldn't - or at least wouldn't in the way he wanted her to. I'm not claiming she is a saint but she is quite shy sexually and emotionally. 

We live in the heart of the city so nobody uses cars much and we're typically surrounded by people. I think most of the flirting was done by text.


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

I believe when a partner cheats, they forfeit the right to secrecy after all, at least one person knows first hand that they cheat...there's actually a foolproof way to make sure no one knows...its called not cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

Jadiel said:


> I believe when a partner cheats, they forfeit the right to secrecy


Certainly if they want to give the marriage another shot they forfeit the right to trust and to privacy.


Anyway, looking a bit more carefully it seems that the W left this POS in 2011, so probably not too much to be gained by contacting her. He is effectively single, it seems.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

I'd expose but you should only do this if you have concrete evidence.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Each situation is different and you must first weigh the pros and cons of doing so.

I tend to think that the less evidence you have, the less
effective exposing the affair becomes.

Then again, if you're too wishy washy about holding her
accountable for what you know has hurt you, then you run
the risk of sending her the message that it's pretty easy
to get away with hurting you and with minimal consequence.

In my own case, I didn't give a sh!t and told everybody who would listen. 
It was an odd form of therapy and such a f*cked up story,
that most (if not all) were willing to listen and sympathize.

I did it to make it harder for their f*ckfests to continue.
I did it to take away the chances of the OM parenting my kids some day.
I did it to show her family that she wasn't the precious angel
that they thought she was, nor was I some religion hating monster. 
I did it because the truth matters.

No way was I about to let her wink at me on the way out the door... 
HELL no.... sorry, but that last wink is reserved for *me*, sweeheart.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

cantthinkstraight said:


> I tend to think that the less evidence you have, the less effective exposing the affair becomes.


I think that's right - and I have little evidence and I am pretty convinced that it is over. I have also called her on the behavior - so she doesn't get to do the "I got away with it" wink because she knows that deep down I know. 

Besides, it now seems that the OMW left a couple of years ago and I am not sure who to expose to. I think her family already know, but they come from a culture where infidelity is taken a bit less seriously - and of course they only have her side of the story which is no doubt that she was driven into the arms of another man because I was so cold and uncaring. 

We don't have too many friends who would care too much about it (everyone has seen these stories before and the attitude tends to be very non-judgmental because you never really know what the true story is).


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Why do think it wasn't physical ?

Maybe he dumped her and she was angry about it when she actually deleted the stuff ?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I would contact the omw and see whybthey are divorced. He may do this kind of thing regularly. Your wife should know if she is just one in a string of women..


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> Why do think it wasn't physical ?


I'm not 100% convinced, but that's my gut feel. I may well be wrong.

I did look for evidence. 



warlock07 said:


> Maybe he dumped her and she was angry about it when she actually deleted the stuff ?


I think that is probably what happened. That or she bitterly realized that her handsome knight in shining armor was just a scumbag on the make. Either way, I think she put a lot of the blame on me


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

chapparal said:


> I would contact the omw and see whybthey are divorced. He may do this kind of thing regularly. Your wife should know if she is just one in a string of women..


Good idea.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Voltaire said:


> Good idea.


V, how do you know for certain the OM is actually divorced?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Who wears sexy underwear for an EA?

Anyway you need to be certain of your evidence if you are going to expose to his W, but if she's his ex then I can't see the point in it.
So are you divorcing? If she still wants a divorce I would guess that the A is still going on.
It's gone underground. When an A does this it can be almost impossible to bust open.
Do the 180.
Focus on your health and emotional well being.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Who wears sexy underwear for an EA?


Not ultra sexy stuff. Thew sort of stuff that a lot of women wear to make them feel better about themselves. She has always worn this sort of stuff, so it wasn't as if she went out and got a ton of new and very different lingerie. But for now it's back to plain old cotton briefs - so not feeling quite so good about herself and not feeling like making the effort - for me, him herself or anyone else.




daisygirl 41 said:


> So are you divorcing? If she still wants a divorce I would guess that the A is still going on.


She still says she wants to. I think for her it is about a bit of an "Eat Pray Love" fantasy of being happy and carefree on her own. I suspect that if she did have an EA and it ended then she is probably thinking "men - who needs them". 

I'm doing a 180 whilst waiting for the anger to subside and the fog to lift. That may never happen, of course - so the 180 has to be what it is supposed to be (a program to prepare me for the next phase of my life rather than a way of manipulating her to come back).

Thanks for your remarks - all helpful


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

3putt said:


> V, how do you know for certain the OM is actually divorced?


I don't know that they are actually divorced, but according to records she only lived at their home address until 2011
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Voltaire said:


> I don't know that they are actually divorced, but according to records she only lived at their home address until 2011
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You need to get in touch with this woman and get some definitive answers. I'm assuming all your info is coming from your WW, so you can completely discount it's authenticity.

Set up a fake FB page if you have to. Whatever it takes, get in touch with this lady.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Voltaire said:


> I'm doing a 180 whilst waiting for the anger to subside and the fog to lift. That may never happen, of course - so the 180 has to be what it is supposed to be (a program to prepare me for the next phase of my life rather than a way of manipulating her to come back).


Triple "like".
Hang in there.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

There could be other explanations for the sudden about face. If she was planning on dropping the D bomb she may have been warned by OM to "act normal" to deflect suspicion. 

Are there other reasons she wants to D? Had your relationship been "OK" prior to the "new Her"?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> There could be other explanations for the sudden about face. If she was planning on dropping the D bomb she may have been warned by OM to "act normal" to deflect suspicion.
> 
> Are there other reasons she wants to D? Had your relationship been "OK" prior to the "new Her"?


Which supports what we've been telling him about getting in touch with the OM's BW and get the whole truth, not his WW's version of it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Definitely contact the OMW.

I really think she's gone underground for what ever reason, perhaps even laying low to a time. Very common for cheaters if the AP is getting busted.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> There could be other explanations for the sudden about face. If she was planning on dropping the D bomb she may have been warned by OM to "act normal" to deflect suspicion.
> 
> Are there other reasons she wants to D? Had your relationship been "OK" prior to the "new Her"?


In answer to your question in second para - no, in hindsight she is a typical WAW who thought she had told me how unhappy she was (without actually telling me, if that makes sense) and seems to have given up on marriage. She feels it is/was completely dead. She started socialising a lot more and EA/PA was all a part of trying to get something that she felt was missing in the marriage.

To be honest I just don't think that the A was that serious or that OM can be bothered to deal with the emotional roller-coaster of a separating woman with children. HE went through all that a couple of years ago himself, it seems, and I suspect that he is a "man's man" who just wants a little action. I'm sure the "my wife left me so I know your pain" line worked real well!


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Definitely contact the OMW.
> 
> I really think she's gone underground for what ever reason, perhaps even laying low to a time. Very common for cheaters if the AP is getting busted.


I just don't think so - subject to one big "if" below.

For a start, now that I have realised that the AP is separated there is no-one to bust him AFAIA.

Second, she is far too self-absorbed ATM to be seeing anyone and her behaviour says "I feel **** about myself" not "I feel great about myself because my AP is telling me how great I am".

Third, she was never a great liar. Once I had suspicions and I started to probe she made lots of classic mistakes - e.g. giving me far too many details about innocent social events whilst telling me nothing about other evenings.

I'm not being naive here. I just think the A was a brief fling (only started in late Oct/Early Nov with someone she didn't know before and who isn't a work colleague or a friend of a friend - so not really much time to develop). Furthermore, he looks like a bit of a macho guy who I think only wants a bit of companionship and sex - I don't think that he wants all the complications of this situation. 

Here is my proviso, though. If I have got the wrong OM I am probably wrong about all of the above ad it may still be going on. She works in a small company and one of her co-workers, who she has always described as a bit of an a-hole, is recently separated. I don't think it's him (my antennae have been up for some time on this and I didn't detect any change in the way she talks about him - and as I say above she is a poor liar) BUT if I'm wrong, or if he is now "comforting" her, then things could be very different.

The fact remains thought that she is no longer glued to her phone, no longer checks it as soon as she wakes, and is no longer interested in going out. She is also very, very angry - so much so that her kids have noticed, and that is sad to see.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

I have now pretty much lost all my sources of info - she has changed her password on her PC. I do have admin access though. If anyone can tell me how I can look at restricted files for another user on Windows 7 then PM me please. 

I think she changed it because I said in no uncertain terms last night that she had had inappropriate relationships with other men. I wasn't more specific and she did not deny it. It was just left hanging. She, of course, is now wondering how much I know. Quite a game of poker and I don't want to show my rather weak hand. If I make a move that shows that I am just stabbing in the dark then I lose. My instinct is just to do nothing, and let the pressure eat away at her.

I may, however, go get an STD test and tell her that I am doing so. Any thoughts on that?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Is it a pc ? And what files do you need ?


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> Is it a pc ? And what files do you need ?


Yes it's a PC

Some backups saved under ...AppData/Roaming/[program name] - not wanting to be too explicit here


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

3putt said:


> Which supports what we've been telling him about getting in touch with the OM's BW and get the whole truth, not his WW's version of it.


Actually all my information comes from my own investigations - none of it from WW.

I'm not really sure what OM's estranged wife can tell me (apart from what an **** he is) as she is now living in a different country. 

I am very close to contacting her. The only thing stopping me at this point is that I don't want to bust my hand - which is pretty much pure bluff. I have told W that I know she had relationships with men, she has not argued, and she is currently wondering how much I know. If I either show I know very little and am fishing for information, or worse if I get the wrong OM (I am 80% - 90% sure but not 100%), then the pressure is off her. I want to keep her under pressure, keep her guessing how much I know. Plus, wanting to know runs against the 180 - it is needy.

And I remain 100% convinced that it is over. That's not because I am naive but because she is in a bad place right now - moody, aggressive, burning with spite and anger. And she is suddenly spending all her time at the house. She has no "feel good" place to run to and no-one telling her how special she is and how much they understand what it is like being married to a cold POS like me who doesn't give her what she needs. It's a complete change to how she was before.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

Here's an idea that I have been toying with - inviting the suspected OM (a professional guy, like me, in a similar field) on LinkedIn. Classy, understated, and says "I know who you are and what you have been up to and I've got my eye on you" without any screaming or histrionics. AGain, leaves him wondering what I know.

Also, if the W goes nuts then I know that they are still in contact. And that I have hit a nerve. 

Any thoughts?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I say nix the idea of the LinkedIn contact. The only possible outcome is as you say - you will know there is still contact. 

However, he will absolutely deny, deny, deny - call you delusional, he may even share the message with his workmates to demonize you as a lunatic. Not worth it. 

I do think you are thinking clearly on the other fronts. Not in a fog as so many recently betrayed are. Keep your eyes/ears open - mouth shut. Let her do the talking. 

Any plan on the voice activated recorder for the car?


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## rsersen (Jan 30, 2013)

I'm in a very similar situation. Wife was in an EA/PA, started as we were going through a rough patch of her own (in her words, she had already checked out at this point). Didn't tell me though, as I continued to make an effort to fix things.

Once I figured out what was going on, and confronted her and told her to choose, she left. Denied everything up to and including as she walked out the door. She said she was leaving to think about things, and wasn't giving up...a week later I had the D bomb dropped on me.

A couple weeks later the EA/PA stopped, and at this point she came clean to me...more likely trickle truthed. She's now seeing someone else, a different OM, and still has no intent to try to R. I exposed anyway. Not out of revenge, but because I suspected (correctly) that she had been painting a bad picture of me to our friends/family, making the destruction of our marriage out to be 100% my fault. I felt the need to defend myself, and let everyone know what she had become. I also figured that since she no longer wanted anything to do with me, her secrets and lies are not mine to protect.

I put it off for a long time - worried about her reaction, worried about her friends/family turning on me. Instead, I got a lot of support from them. Even if their reactions had been different, I wouldn't regret doing it. It's not something I would have wanted to carry to my grave alone.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

rsersen said:


> I'm in a very similar situation. Wife was in an EA/PA, started as we were going through a rough patch of her own (in her words, she had already checked out at this point). Didn't tell me though, as I continued to make an effort to fix things.


I've looked and I've looked and I can't find anything - texts, records of phone call, chat programs, all draw a blank. 

My gut tells me that that there was a mild EA, designed as much to hurt me as anything else, and that it stopped. I think he wanted more and she didn't just want to be used for sex.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You are doing a very excellent job of talking yourself into doing nothing.

While its true that fools rush in, it is also true that analysts make lousy generals because the always can find a reason to avoid action.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You should have had a key logger on her computer. You should also have a VAR in her car along with a GPS tracker on it.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> You should have had a key logger on her computer. You should also have a VAR in her car along with a GPS tracker on it.


Actually she's using her computer very little. Almost everything she does is on her iPhone. That's what I need to get at.

And I live in a European city. We don't live in our cars like folk in the US do. She walks to work. Uses the car once a week, if that, to do food shopping. So there isn't much data to be gathered there. 

So far I have scoured text data, call data, chat programme records, her internet history, Skype. All drawn a blank. What else do you suggest?

The most telling thing about the data is what's missing. A fw weeks ago she got up in the middle of the night, closed down her secret GMail account and resigned from the social group where she met the prime suspect OM. I have independently verified all of this. Seems she wiped everything up until that time. I suspect that they had been using an iPhone chat App to communicate, but all the history up until then is gone. Since then it is all innocent stuff - and no contact with suspected OM - at least not via those means, or by phone, or by text, or by Skype as far as I can see.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

BREAKTHROUGH

Patience and vigilance paid off. It seems she has been having an EA with a guy she knew at school back in her country (he still lives there). It's over now. She dumped him about a week ago and he broke cover in a desperate attempt to get a message through to her. Really pathetic love sick puppy dog messages (makes you realise how unattractive desperate and needy really is, guys!!). 

Not sure what I do now. Do I confront straight away or do I keep this info in my back pocket? Also, I believe he has a wife and kids, though not sure. Would love to bust him, but not sure how to track down wife in another country. Working on that one.

EDIT: BTW, this guy was on my list of possibles but was not my prime suspect. Doesn't mean that nothing happened with my prime suspect, although I doubt she was running two ponies at once (or should that be three, if you include me).


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Voltaire said:


> BREAKTHROUGH
> 
> Patience and vigilance paid off. It seems she has been having an EA with a guy she knew at school back in her country (he still lives there). It's over now. She dumped him about a week ago and he broke cover in a desperate attempt to get a message through to her. Really pathetic love sick puppy dog messages (makes you realise how unattractive desperate and needy really is, guys!!).
> 
> ...


I would expose to his wife and confront your own. If you rugsweep what's to stop her from doing this again with either him or someone else? 

But I'd try to track his wife down first and send the evidence to her before confronting your wife. Your wife could be inclined to give him the heads up and give him time to get his story straight/intercept/etc. 

But if it proves to be more trouble than it's worth (or just takes too long) confront her with all the evidence you have and keep copies of the evidence in case that guy resurfaces.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You have access to her phone at times? Jailbreak it and spyware it.

Jailbreaking an iPhone â€“ An Easy Guide to Free Your iPhone » Spyzrus.com


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

SadandAngry said:


> You have access to her phone at times?


No access at all, I'm afraid.

So here's an update. 

I called her on the EA but she came out with the usual "just good friends" line. I'm pretty sure that he is sidelined now - she rejected him just before she dropped teh D bomb on me. Seems he made the big pitch for her to leave me and go off with him. 

I'm now looking for romantic interest closer to home (the EA partner was in a different country). She was out for about 10 hours on Saturday, refusing to say anything about where she was going. But I think this was all for show. No woman goes out for a date wearing sneakers and boring underwear when she has a closet full of heels and sexy stuff. 

She's all but stopped the mysterious going out in the week. the party girl scene just isn't her and I think she got bored. 

I think she's just trying to run a 180 on me.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

What is your goal? Do you want her back? If so why? Have you stopped running in circles digging for evidence long enough to really ponder these questions? I haven't read your other thread.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

SadandAngry said:


> What is your goal? Do you want her back? If so why? Have you stopped running in circles digging for evidence long enough to really ponder these questions? I haven't read your other thread.


I don't want our old relationship back, but I would like to have a different relationship with her going forward, based on the changes I have made in myself and the way that I would like her to change.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Are you prepared to lose your marriage in the attempt to save it?


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

SadandAngry said:


> Are you prepared to lose your marriage in the attempt to save it?


I don't have much choice in the matter, do I? 

It's already lost. We're headed towards divorce. The old relationship is dead. The only thing that can save it now is if a new relationship rises from its ashes.

Do I fully emotionally accept that it's over? Probably not quite yet, but I'm getting there.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

You can't make her love you.

She sounds like she's checked out, and because of this I think you should prepare for a life without her.

You're also making a lot of assumptions about cheaters. For example, you ask what woman goes out in sneakers to meet her date? Answer: one who is very comfortable with the affair partner.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> You're also making a lot of assumptions about cheaters. For example, you ask what woman goes out in sneakers to meet her date? Answer: one who is very comfortable with the affair partner.


Bingo, hell I was in flip flops when I left the house at times. There was no dressing up to look good. I was going to get laid not going out to impress anymore.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> You can't make her love you.
> 
> She sounds like she's checked out, and because of this I think you should prepare for a life without her.


Sadly, I think you're probably right





Count of Monte Cristo said:


> You're also making a lot of assumptions about cheaters. For example, you ask what woman goes out in sneakers to meet her date? Answer: one who is very comfortable with the affair partner.


True, but.....

I know her and she wouldn't do that - she is one of those women who will always dress as well as she can any time she sets foot outside the house. She doesn't wear sneakers to go to the supermarket. There is also the matter of the underwear that tells the same story.

Actually, if I had to guess I would say that it is one of two things:-
1. either they were appropriate to whatever she was up to (a lot of walking, perhaps) or
2. she was with a man or a group but wanted to make it quite clear that it wasn't a date. 

I think she is at the stage where she wants to look around but in a very safe way. She just wants to go window shopping (whilst of course getting me as jealous as possible). She joined a social group before (lots of shared activities for people to meet people) and I suspect that she has resumed that.

Call me a fool, but I do know her. On the other hand, when she met her EA partner (in her home city overseas) I know she dressed very nicely for dinner.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you downloaded MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER yet? It doesn't sound like it from your posts.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

Hi everyone. I have been posting fairly regularly on my thread in "Going through Divorce and Separation" but i thought I should update this...

So, when I wrote this I knew she had had an EA that had ended. I was right about that.

I thought she was having another EA/PA and I thought I knew who it was with. My instincts were right but I got entirely the wrong guy. Thank god I didn't expose him (even though I think that my wife had had a couple of dates with him).

Things were also a bit fuzzy because the real A was only just getting going when I was posting everything above (said she wanted a D end January, started affair early Feb with POSOM who was obviously waiting in the wings). Don't know if they had had sex yet at that stage - but they have now.

I did expose to very few people, but key people who might have had some influence - most others wouldn't. I didn't tell our kids but they worked it out pretty quick anyway from her behaviour and eventually confronted her. 

Despite her own kids knowing, she continues with the A. doesn't see anything wrong with it as she has declared the marriage over and thinks she's free, even though we are still married.

The one thing that always stuck in my mind was the discussion above with the Count of Monte Cristo about how she was dressing. I said she wasn't going out dressed for adultery, he said that that didn't matter. Turns out we were both wrong about that. She was dressed for adultery - but dressed for adultery with a guy who dresses very very casually and she was trying to dress like him. This very chic lady who always dressed very nicely was dressing down (waaaaay down) to impress him! I had to laugh when I realised that this is what was happening. It really is pathetic. 

Anyway, we're on the fast track to divorce, she is fully in the fog and thinks she has some kind of future with a guy who is clearly a narcissist (and will end up burning her sooner rather than later) and I am doing my best to move on with the help of my friends on TAM.


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