# I would leave but...



## Luciddreamer (Apr 23, 2010)

I am stuck in a very difficult situation. My husband has been lying to me about a few things (including drinking, so there's that addiction issue as well), doesn't want to go to counseling, can't find full-time work, and has medical issues (not life threatening) that he obsesses over. Also, he and my son argue all the time and I don't think my husband's approach to my son (his stepson) is particularly nuturing and helpful.

Now, I would contemplate moving out (a separation, not necessarily a divorce right away), but I have a problem. Two years ago we had to file for bankruptcy (Chapter 13) and we are still paying our required payment faithfully each month -- we have three more years before our obligation is fulfilled. If I were to try to separate/divorce, it would cause great financial problems for me as well as him -- even though I have a good salary and could take care of myself and my son on my own, the fact that I would have to cover the payments plus extra expenses of two households would be devastating financially. Morally I want to fulfill the obligations of the bankruptcy as well -- want to do what is right to clear it and rebuild my credit in the future. So I really feel "stuck" right now. 

Not looking for magical answers to this -- just wondered if anyone else out there has had to deal with this sort of thing.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

My main concern would be the damage his drinking is going to do to your finances and your son. Why you are paying for two cars and why you would be responsible for his domicile, I cannot see.

In any event, see a lawyer and find out if there is any way to set up separate finances pre-divorce.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Do you see your current situation? It is NOT going to get better without drastic changes.

AA, marriage counseling and family counseling, or divorce.


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## Luciddreamer (Apr 23, 2010)

Well, I am the "bread winner" of the home right now. If I were to walk away, normally we would just sell the house, split up any profit, etc. But with the bankruptcy I don't see how we could sell the house. Of course, he could move out, but he doesn't make enough to live on (part of his issues are medical problems that do limit his employability, to be fair). I guess I could leave him to his own devices, but it seems very cruel to me, especially as I know he would NOT want to separate or divorce. I don't know, I have very mixed feelings about it all, as I don't hate him -- just find his behavior hard to live with.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Chris is right. If he is lying about his drinking, there is a decent chance that he has a problem. That is one of the leading indicators. 

Unfortunately even grown ups sometimes need limit setting. So long as your husband knows you will take care of him, that you feel it is cruel to require him to act like a grown up, he will continue to behave any old way that seems right to him. 

By medical issues that "limit" his employability I am guessing that if he applied himself that he could find SOME work. I am further guessing that you have attempted to discuss your different parenting style, and he has blown it off. He is not willing to do anything except free load off of you.

YOU go to counseling. Sometimes the other partner is so worried about what is being said about them, they decide to go after all!


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## Luciddreamer (Apr 23, 2010)

Actually, I started counseling last month. I think it is helpful to me, but as everyone knows, you can only change yourself, not another person.

My husband does actually work part-time. Well, it is full-time off and on -- contract work that usually ends up equally about seven months work a year. It doesn't pay a lot, but he is doing something. It just wouldn't be enough for him to live on without my salary.

I think maybe I will check with a lawyer after the holidays and see what the legal ramifications of this all would be.


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