# I need a bit of advice.



## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

I feel so lame and right now, a little bit sick in my stomach trying to figure this out.

About 6 months ago, I found my wife had been messaging this guy she used to know through facebook, seemed harmless enough but he was asking inappropriate stuff like wanting pictures etc, she didn't do that and I found out by chance and cut it off before it escalated, although she didn't do pictures or anything explicit (he lives 200+ miles from us), she didn't exactly shut him down either!

I confronted her about it and we had a massive bust up, promised to try to work through it and moved on.

My laptop crashed a few days ago so I used hers, saw her messenger was open and took a peek, sort of wish I hadn't, and it seems she has been at it again, the messages I found were sent while she was in bed and I was dashing around the house getting ready for work, the messages mention her deleting a conversation they'd had a few days before, he was gloating saying i'd be jealous lol while she was concerned I wouldn't be happy about it.

I have gained access to her facebook and messenger on my laptop now also one of her emails, she has changed passwords to facebook acc and her hotmail, backdoor through at email to facebook though!

I am blown away, things have been hectic and busy with work I know, but we have been way better than before I found out about this guy! I just don't understand what's going on? Or more to the point, what should I do?

I've known since Friday, been eating me up a bit now, part of me says throw her and the last 10+yrs out in the parking lot and move on as fast as possible, the other part says that I should put surveillance on her phone and try and catch the full extent of how bad this is first.

I wanted to punch her in the face at lunch today I was so angry but I need this advice first, divorces are expensive things and I am a little bit paranoid.

Peter.


----------



## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

Sorry to ask, but what's the point in marriages anymore? I know I should have worked harder at times, but I thought we were solid.

Got all these questions in my head,.

Confront her again?

Walk out?

Throw her out?

What do I tell the family and friends?

Sorry, but this actually feels like a mistake, I am so out of my depth right now!


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

For now play dumb so you can catch her with the goods, otherwise she will take it further underground and you will end up deceived for years, possibly never getting an answer.

Step up your spying, never reveal your sources, gather evidence to bust the OM to his wife or SO. 

Don't tip your hand or warn or threaten.

Tamat


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Oh yea take some time to read the threads here there is nothing special or unique about your wife affair they follow a pattern which you will discern from other peoples writing on this site.

Tamat


----------



## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

TAMAT said:


> For now play dumb so you can catch her with the goods, otherwise she will take it further underground and you will end up deceived for years, possibly never getting an answer.
> 
> Step up your spying, never reveal your sources, gather evidence to bust the OM to his wife or SO.
> 
> ...


I'm no spy, I posted a thread asking about android spyware, since I let the cat out of the bag and typed the opening post, all I've done is wound myself up and all I can do now is cry.

What the heck is wrong with me?


----------



## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

Nothing wrong with you dude. Your reacting normally to an awful situation. Try not to let yourself stay depressed for too long though. You are going to have to get real strong fast no matter what happens. And don't punch her. It will put you in real jeopardy. That means she wins automatically. Take that anger out on some weights or running. Something that makes you stronger.


----------



## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

I am looking at a half dozen android spyware things, need to choose wisely as they cost!

Gonna go grocery shopping and walk the dogs right now, get some air, hope I calm down before she gets home from work,


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html#post9756666

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Peter/ said:


> Sorry to ask, but what's the point in marriages anymore? I know I should have worked harder at times, but I thought we were solid.
> 
> Got all these questions in my head,.
> 
> ...


You caught her once, confronted and she never stopped most likely, just got sneakier. Now you've discover it again and it's escalating. She's been lying to you for months. I'd have a real short leash at this point about waiting and gathering more evidence etc. The longer these situations go on the harder they are to stop.

I'd confront, ask her to leave and expose to family so she can't spin the story. Be unemotional and calm and in control. If she's unwilling to quit contact with this person what is your marriage worth? You shouldn't leave and you can't force her to leave but she needs to see this is a deal breaker for you.


----------



## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

Peter/ - I am very sorry you're going through this. I can only imagine the stress you're feeling and how this consumes your thoughts. 

I hope you have a trusted and thoughtful friend with whom you can at least verbalized some of these feelings. The goal of those talks need not be solution driven, but rather the opportunity to help sort and organize. 

I'm uncomfortable giving advice but hope you'll consider the following general recommendation. 

Remember this is a public forum where many of us have similar experience as you. However that doesn't mean we're all baggage-free and have adjusted in the healthiest of ways. It's easy for us to give advice from the cheap seats. This is an emotional time so try to keep your wits about you. There's a lot in play. 

I am eternally grateful to this site for the comments I read when I arrived, one very wise friend, and a therapist for helping me through it. I wish you strength, wisdom, and patience as you determine the best reaction and course to take for yourself, family, and marriage.


----------



## scaredlion (Mar 4, 2017)

Easy solution. Sit down with just you and her. Tell her everything you know. Tell her at this point in time she has to decide and make a choice. It's either you or him. If she choses you then all contact with him or anyone like him, now and in the future, will cease immediately. If she chooses him then she needs to pack her things and go be with him. If she chooses you and you find out in the future (and express you will find out) then you will consider that she has chosen to end the marriage. Never live with someone that doesn't love you or considers you as second choice. --------- Or, you could tell her that since she sees nothing wrong with what she is doing then you understand that she will have no objection to you finding someone and doing the same thing she is doing. I am retired military (the combat part of the military) so I firmly believe you fight with an attitude of strength for if you go in with an attitude of weakness you have already lost the battle. I do wish you well.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Is this her first time or the first time you have caught her out?


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

This is the second time that you have caught her and unfortunately there were most likely more that you did not catch. I agree with other posters who said she never really stopped. She just got more devious and hid it better.

You did not mention kids. If there are no children involved, why cause yourself more pain? You can never trust her again. You gave her a second chance and she threw it in your face. Get out now.


----------



## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

I've sat here since she fell asleep and I snuk back down to read up, it seems I am far from alone here, which saddens me and also comforts me in a queer sort of way.

I think it best to just hoist her out the door at this point, I mean, we had a bust up end of Feb, I have mistakenly thought we were over the worst, seems like so many women that I have read about on here that they simply quit for a bit then go under ground and get sneakier.

I think the best way is to blow her up at her works on Wednesday night after changing the locks, dump her stuff in the parking lot and confront her in front of all her friends and co-workers in the restaurant so she can't spin this on me as being unreasonable or some sort of bastard.

God only knows, I don't have any friends here, merely acquaintances, I left all my friends behind years ago when we moved away for work in the recession.

Still feel like crap, can't sleep, all I can do is smoke cigarettes and drink tea.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You should talk to an attorney asap before you do anything else. You need to know your rights and obligations where you live. Only a local attorney can tell you what the laws are and how the local courts view things. It may greatly influence how you go about your next steps.

Generally, you have two choices. One is to attempt to kill any affairs so as to bring her back into the marriage as a full participant. The so-called Reconciliation. If this is your goal, you will have to confront her and expose her actions. You will need solid data to do this. Anything which can be painted as not crossing a line will be spun by her against you. This is why you need solid evidence. Screen shots of messages which have no wiggle room to call them anything but infidelity. Pictures of her going into a hotel. That sort of stuff. You can do a confrontation with no real evidence, but you have to be prepared for that one. You have to be rock solid on your position that you know what she's done and it is unacceptable. Don't get drawn into arguing with her. It is much better to have good evidence. Thus, doing more snooping may be your best move. A week or two at most. The strong move is to then file for divorce and tell her it is up to her to prove to you a reason to stop the D process. This makes her work hard at R.

The second option is to just divorce her. If this is your choice, you have every right to do so. You don't need to prove to her or anybody else what you know or don't know. Her actions crossed a line which, for you, exceeds limits. Don't get drawn into big discussions with her about the details, because she'll try to prove she didn't do anything wrong. If you are going to divorce her, there is no need to gather more data to prove anything to her or others.

You do need good legal advice, because infidelity may be a big factor in divorce where you live. Or not. And, how you document infidelity may be really important to the court.

You may need to protect assets and take care of a lot of details if you are going to file for divorce. Insurances, beneficiaries, removing things from a safe box at the bank, safeguarding important documents. A lawyer will guide you on how to do this effectively and in a way the court won't punish you for.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Peter/ said:


> I think the best way is to blow her up at her works on Wednesday night after changing the locks, dump her stuff in the parking lot and confront her in front of all her friends and co-workers in the restaurant so she can't spin this on me as being unreasonable or some sort of bastard.


Pete my man, I don't know where you live but it unlikely the law will let you just kick her out of the house, even if you own it or the lease is just in your name. I know your want to play hardball but your best bet, if you want to rid yourself of your disloyal spouse is pack your bags an leave and get a divorce. You left too much on the table during your first "confrontation" and provided too much wiggle room for the sack of getting her back. Don't make the same mistake again.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Peter/ said:


> Sorry to ask, but what's the point in marriages anymore? I know I should have worked harder at times, but I thought we were solid.
> 
> Got all these questions in my head,.
> 
> ...


Sorry you are here. You need to make sure you have evidence saved and stored. Does he have a spouse. Let his spouse know what is going on and send the evidence. Confront her at the same time. I hope you do not have kids.
Then you have to make the decision whether you want her or not,maybe find out from a lawyer what the impact is, is she working?
If you R, then she must show remorse, lots of it, if not consider divorce. This is an emotional affair, and the second time too. She obviously learnt nothing from the first time!


----------



## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

We rent this place, I know she can't afford it on her own so that makes it awkward for the landlord as we are co signers on the house, I either have to get her took off or myself, leaving is easy for me, got cash enough to rent a place anywhere local for work quick search has shown an abundance of properties to rent closer to my work and away from here, that would just require me to get signed off the tenancy.

Feel much calmer after some sleep, I'm not going to confront her with anything yet, neither am I going to bother snooping further, it seems a fools errand, looking at various threads, they do this reconciliation thing and she just gets a second phone, new email, uses other means and methods, seems she likes the internet and I can't police that with 4G phones etc,.

Might as well face it, she got bored, found something else to play with and I'm not enough for her or for her to think about as having a marriage worth saving, I need to think about my own future.

I still think this requires a big time blow out at her works with screen shots of what I have so far handed out for all to see, I know I have been manipulated, so it's plain to see she will spin this around on me.

But I am in 2 minds, she has 2 really long days each week, Mondays and Fridays, I could empty the house completely in a day and just leaver her clothes in bags in the lounge, her face would be a picture!


----------



## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

aine said:


> Sorry you are here. You need to make sure you have evidence saved and stored. Does he have a spouse. Let his spouse know what is going on and send the evidence. Confront her at the same time. I hope you do not have kids.
> Then you have to make the decision whether you want her or not,maybe find out from a lawyer what the impact is, is she working?
> If you R, then she must show remorse, lots of it, if not consider divorce. This is an emotional affair, and the second time too. She obviously learnt nothing from the first time!


Quick dig up on him, single loser aged 37, rented flat, no car, spends most of his money getting wasted on drink and drugs, complete opposite of me. Hence attraction I suppose, he's 200+ miles away and she can ****ing walk there for all I care right now!


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Peter/ said:


> Quick dig up on him, single loser aged 37, rented flat, no car, spends most of his money getting wasted on drink and drugs, complete opposite of me. Hence attraction I suppose, he's 200+ miles away and she can ****ing walk there for all I care right now!


Are you in the UK? If so, do not expose what she's done until you've consulted with a solicitor. Truth is not a defense in UK courts.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Whatever you do Pete, do it in a manner where you have nothing to come back an bite you in the azz. I've seen incidences where one spouse is lured back and into a bad reconciliation because they over did the leaving part and felt guilty and apologetic about it later. A clean break is usually better in the long run and the best "pay back" is them knowing five years down the road that running you off was the worse mistake they ever made.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Pete

Part of me wants to help you annihilate your wife and another part says to just cut your losses. I had planned many ways to humiliate my wife, and in the end chose to reconcile. You discovered your wife having inappropriate contact, talked it out and chose to reconcile. That's a huge gift your wife just threw away, but I hope you see what I see here. Your wife is showing her true colors, this is who she is, and until she decides to truly change this is her toxic self. 

You don't want or need this, so gather your evidence, place in ten envelopes the full copies. Mail one to her parents, give one to your lawyer, and list adultery and OM as the reason for divorce. If you wish to blow this up at her work, and quite frankly I'm unsure why, go there and hand her your key. Have your finances separated, cancel all credit cards in both your names, and have the business card of your lawyer. Tape your key to the business card and hand it to her at work. If OM is 200 miles away, why blow it up at her work? Does OM work there? 

From the sounds of your wife through your posts, she doesn't respect marriage. While I can understand the need to blow this all up, in reality, just get yourself in a better place. Push your divorce through as quick as possible, get into IC to sort this mess out. Best of luck to you.


----------



## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

Nucking Futs said:


> Are you in the UK? If so, do not expose what she's done until you've consulted with a solicitor. Truth is not a defense in UK courts.


Yeah I'm on the South coast near Portsmouth.

Are you kidding me?

Evidential truth is meaningless???


----------



## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

drifting on said:


> Part of me wants to help you annihilate your wife and another part says to just cut your losses. I had planned many ways to humiliate my wife, and in the end chose to reconcile.
> 
> You don't want or need this, so gather your evidence, place in ten envelopes the full copies.


I just read a thread about a guy who went a little bit mental on the exposure, 30+ pages of psycho, not my bag!

Considering renting a new place for me and the dogs and just moving out on one of her long days after getting my name took off the tenancy agreement, she has epilepsy and can't ever get a licence to drive, even moving 20 miles into the countryside should save me from her!



drifting on said:


> If OM is 200 miles away, why blow it up at her work? Does OM work there?


No he is a veleter in Ipswich, what a ****in joke, washing cars on minimum wage, I am self employed clearing a sound £18/hr with £0 outlay, take home somewhere near £700/wk, 3X what he makes unless he gets a stack of OT!

Blowing her up at work would have meant there was no way that she could twist anything around and make it out like I was the cnut cheating on her or I just walked out on her, I might walk out on her, might hijack her facebook and emails too and post screenies of her convo's I've found as proof that I am not at fault.

I'm tired, I slept some, this **** rattling round in my head and all I can think of is pushing her nose through the back of her head!


----------



## Rocket Skates76 (Jun 24, 2017)

I KNOW you feel sick. I was just there two months ago. It dominates your thinking, that rollercoaster. But trust me be patient and gather what evidence you feel is substantial enough to create that tipping point. That will not immediately ease the negativity but hopefully cement within yourself The need for justice.


----------



## JustAFamilyMan (Aug 27, 2015)

Peter/ said:


> I'm tired, I slept some, this **** rattling round in my head and all I can think of is pushing her nose through the back of her head!


I know you're upset, and rightfully so, but drop the fantasies of violence.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Peter/ said:


> I just read a thread about a guy who went a little bit mental on the exposure, 30+ pages of psycho, not my bag!
> 
> Considering renting a new place for me and the dogs and just moving out on one of her long days after getting my name took off the tenancy agreement, she has epilepsy and can't ever get a licence to drive, even moving 20 miles into the countryside should save me from her!
> 
> ...




Before you do any blowing up, I would check with a solicitor or lawyer, whatever you call them in the UK. In other words protect yourself from looking bad in the courts or breaking any laws. Who cares what her work friends think of you, who cares what anyone thinks of you, you know the truth and that is more then they will ever know. Dump her and go live a long and prosperous life, that would be a far better life then she seems to ever have. Remember, don't try to break an already broken person, she was broken long before you, she will be most likely be broken long after you too.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

First GET TO A LAWYER before you do ANYTHING.
I would try to get more definitive proof -- just so that she CAN'T twist anything and you can show family/etc. if she starts re-writing your history. Just don't let this go on too long. you may only need to have a few days of her fb messages to accomplish that.
Also, GET TO A GYM and work out your anger/frustrations -- bonus, you will look better for your next woman!

VERY sorry you are here.


----------



## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I see where you are coming from here, but I think the whole "blowing it up" thing will only serve to make you look vindictive. I can see nothing good coming from that. Why do you give a crap what her coworkers think? Just get off of the lease, pack your stuff and leave. But, before doing so, at least consult with an attorney to see how the courts will see this.

I think you are being used by your wife while she has fun with her loser OM. But, a cool head will tell you what you should do. Just get out and let her BF have her.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Peter/ said:


> Yeah I'm on the South coast near Portsmouth.
> 
> Are you kidding me?
> 
> Evidential truth is meaningless???


The UK has some strange rules so be very careful about exposing. Several people from the UK have threads going on this site and many have ended up with the wayward spouse getting harassment judgements against the betrayed spouse after exposing affairs.


----------



## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

Peter, 

How long have you been married, and maybe I missed it - do you have kids?

Many of us can understand your current desire to cause your wife pain and humiliation, equal in some way to what you are feeling. But, if you still have any feelings for her, then that action will also hurt you (and only extend the period where you feel any emotions, even negative ones, for her). And if you are working on feeling nothing for her, then why bother? 

And frankly, if you want to exit, you should make it as painless for yourself as possible. Just tell her that you want to end things with her. You don't even have to reveal that you know about her recent behaviour. You don't have to engage with her in any way on it. Simply say that now that you know her better, you no longer have any desire to be married to her. (For someone who needs male attention, I can imagine that this degree of invalidation could be quite punishing in itself. As an added benefit, she is left wondering what exactly you know or don't know.) If she then brings up her recent behaviour, then that is a good indication of her willingness ... to be open with you and to change to save your marriage. But like others on this thread, I think it is clear that she either has a very different view of marriage, or her level of commitment is quite different to yours. 

I am sorry that you are here under these circumstances.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

scaredlion said:


> It's either you or him.


Sorry, couldn't resist:


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Speaking as a Moderator:

There is an entire section devoted to politics and religion. If you want to debate it, take it there, and out of this thread.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Peter
If your emotions can handle it, do not expose anything and get proof of anything that will give you an advantage in Divorce court...I know your emotions are running wild but remember, your emotions will subside but your financial obligations as per your Divorce papers can last many years.

Getting your emotions a little satisfaction will be temporary but a Divorce that protects your finances can be for YEARS! The only thing you can save is your money and retirement. I assume you have no children.


----------



## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

It has been a bit of a roller coaster these last 2 weeks, solicitors are expensive! 

I've moved out, found a little cottage just outside Winchester to rent, handy for work.

Filed for no fault divorce, have explained it in a way that we have just "grown apart" solicitors say they and the courts can do the rest and will contact me about papers to sign when they're ready.

She's gone mental but not going to worry about that.

I have done the right thing regards the house, I paid 3 months in advance and existing contract expires on 1st Jan anyway so that is her problem now, letting agent tells me that she will have the option to take on the house solo or will have to leave, her choice, solicitor says I am not liable for the house or upkeep as we both worked and split some of the bills so she was not dependent on me for finance, savings was split, we had separate banking so no drama there.

I didn't blow anything up, just packed my stuff up slowly into plastic crates over the course of a week and on her long day last Friday I took a day off, had a recovery truck pick up my personal car, swapped my little Fiesta works van for a hired Transit Jumbo for the weekend, loaded my boxes of belongings into it, put my dogs in their transport crates, posted the keys through the letterbox in an envelope with a proper hand written letter and drove off. Ikea helped reduce the balance of my credit cards as I needed a few bits for the cottage and TalkTalk are sorting out the broadband installation next week.

All in all, I am a little bit nervous of being alone, but to be honest, there seems to be no real noticeable difference, she worked evenings in the restaurant and I always ate alone as not to eat too late at night, I walked the dogs on my own and for a long time now I've been the cook and cleaner in the house, it seems as though I have been living a single life with a freeloading room mate that I cooked for and cleared up after and had occasional sex with.

What a strange way to have ended up, it sort of seems as though life has happened around me and I've just sat and become complacent of what's been going on in my own life.

I would like to thank everyone for their input, and I must admit there seems to be a lot of people who have suffered far worse than I have and their pain seems to have been far greater, my emotions were raw but I think it was more my pride that took the beating, I didn't die and the terror attacks in London Friday have put this into perspective, there are many more important a task that needs addressed above and beyond someone who you once knew who didn't have the minerals to say that they were unhappy in the marriage.

God bless you all and thanks.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Apparently the first time you caught her it never ended.

You saved yourself a lot of pain and anguish where a lot will try and stay.

Be grateful you aren't a doormat and allowed her to control you like a lot do.

Never look back because these types rarely change.

Nice work!!!!!


----------



## Aletta (Aug 7, 2017)

I wish you all the best. It takes guts to leave. Well done for taking care of yourself.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Peter/ said:


> It has been a bit of a roller coaster these last 2 weeks, solicitors are expensive!
> 
> I've moved out, found a little cottage just outside Winchester to rent, handy for work.
> 
> ...


You handled this well. Others can learn from you. 

Out of curiosity what did you leave in the note for her when she came back home?


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Good job man. You can't make her love you or be faithful anyway. I wish more people would handle their cheaters this way.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Well played sir!
You did exactly what a lot of men wish they could do but circumstances prevent them from doing so,kids,mortgage etc.
She never stopped cheating,she just hid it better.


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

I'd be interested to know your wife's reaction. You said she went "mental." Could you be more specific?


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Peter/ said:


> I feel so lame and right now, a little bit sick in my stomach trying to figure this out.
> 
> About 6 months ago, I found my wife had been messaging this guy she used to know through facebook, seemed harmless enough but he was asking inappropriate stuff like wanting pictures etc, she didn't do that and I found out by chance and cut it off before it escalated, although she didn't do pictures or anything explicit (he lives 200+ miles from us), she didn't exactly shut him down either!
> 
> ...


*While divorces may be a rather messy and expensive necessity in life, exactly why would you want to subject yourself and your family to living in the same covert disloyalty and deception that she she seems to be so non-chalantly subjecting you to?

Truth be told, you are merely her "Plan B," have been for sadly some time now, and will soon see her skanky, cheating ass making that secretive 100 mile journey over to "lover boys" to avail herself of a little bit of strange. ~ hell, to her it probably ain't all that strange anymore!

Please get yourself over to a good family attorney's office to explore all of your legal, custodial and property rights! And as long as your going there, do yourself a favor and stop off by your MD's office to be tested for the presence of some "gift" that perhaps lover boy may have inadvertently bestowed on you! 

And if you find out that lover boy is married, you need to communicate exactly what he's been doing with your wife to his!*


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

If your wife reaches out, just stay dark. You're detaching so best you act like it. She's on her own now.

Well done on the fast action. You'll be OK.


----------



## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

Sorry to come to this late but how did the wife react? I am curious. I wish I had the luxury to move out. You are lucky my friend.


----------



## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

tailrider3 said:


> Sorry to come to this late but how did the wife react? I am curious. I wish I had the luxury to move out. You are lucky my friend.


Hi, the neighbors said that she knocked their door hysterical and had to calm her down, I briefed them as far as to say we were having a "trust" issue and I would be moving out for a while(slight of hand there as a while can mean eternity as it is a subjective phrase), they didn't realize quite how cruel (in their minds anyway) I was going to be, I left no forwarding address and didn't tell them where I was heading.

There seems to be a lot of this "helplessness" around here, a lot of you guys are confronted with a lot worse than I was, she had inappropriate contact on the internet, some of you are walking through the front door while she's frantically putting her panties back on and the bloke is running out the back gate, I think it comes down to always being prepared, always an abundance of cash, low debt levels and a good credit score means you can be a flexible, I know I am lucky enough not to have kids with her but even if I did, there is no way I would have let myself be a friggin door mat like I've seen here.

I read an article a while back that said most people don't have easy access to £400 in cash, that is unacceptable, you should have easy access to £4,000 and more, you never know what's coming round the bend!

Be like me, pack your **** and move on, if you have kids, then arrange with solicitors for contact with kids, get straight and ensure that your kids do not have to suffer the toxicity of a **** sleeping around facing no consequences and a father who is barely there in terms of mental stability and focus, always distracted by what his wh0re of a wife is doing when she says she is working late (sucking and f####ng her way round the office) or out with the girls (getting it good and hard, most likely unprotected by some random bloke who bought her a drink, maybe several?). Your kids will thank you for it in the long run, as you will be the one healing faster and being a real parent, they will also learn that there are consequences to actions, as for the ex, she will learn that you were not to be trifled with and might actually learn something, or not?

Anyway, I am going walking in the woods with my dogs then grocery shopping, might check in later, this place is a cross between a psychiatrists office and the latest episode of Eastenders.


----------



## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Good job. Glad to see your strong actions to your situation.


----------



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Peter/ said:


> Hi, the neighbors said that she knocked their door hysterical and had to calm her down, I briefed them as far as to say we were having a "trust" issue and I would be moving out for a while(slight of hand there as a while can mean eternity as it is a subjective phrase), they didn't realize quite how cruel (in their minds anyway) I was going to be, I left no forwarding address and didn't tell them where I was heading.
> 
> There seems to be a lot of this "helplessness" around here, a lot of you guys are confronted with a lot worse than I was, she had inappropriate contact on the internet, some of you are walking through the front door while she's frantically putting her panties back on and the bloke is running out the back gate, I think it comes down to always being prepared, always an abundance of cash, low debt levels and a good credit score means you can be a flexible, I know I am lucky enough not to have kids with her but even if I did, there is no way I would have let myself be a friggin door mat like I've seen here.
> 
> ...


I mean good for you and all, I’m sure you’ll be happy in the long run, but not everyone is you. And when you do add in children and finances, things become a bit more muddy. You can SAY all day you’d still do it the same if you had kids, but honestly, you don’t know until you’re there. 

I wish you all the luck in the world, and much happiness, but just because you did what others haven’t doesn’t mean your way is the only way. A lot of people here haven’t done what you did and they’re still happy.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> I have been living a single life with a freeloading roommate that I cooked for and cleared up after and had occasional sex with.


In the future I am sure you can find a woman that is not such a sponge as your freeloading wife.





> I read an article a while back that said most people don't have easy access to £400 in cash, that is unacceptable, you should have easy access to £4,000 and more, you never know what's coming round the bend!


Having money makes a HUGE difference!

You now have a life free from a betrayer and have a chance of having a LOT better life. In addition, you have your job, money, dogs and a place to live. Your emotions will improve a lot in the next year if you take the right actions. You sound like a guy that has a good balance and good common sense so keep us posted as people can learn from you.

*You are now a free man with LOTS of options; choose wisely! *


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

BRAVO, SIR!!!!!!

Welcome to freedom. Man, you're mighty impressive. You drop-kicked her like a football. Now go out there and tear it up, single-man style. Have fun now that the albatross is no longer around your neck.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

LosingHim said:


> I mean good for you and all, I’m sure you’ll be happy in the long run, but not everyone is you. And when you do add in children and finances, things become a bit more muddy. You can SAY all day you’d still do it the same if you had kids, but honestly, you don’t know until you’re there.
> 
> I wish you all the luck in the world, and much happiness, but just because you did what others haven’t doesn’t mean your way is the only way. A lot of people here haven’t done what you did and they’re still happy.


 LH are you saying you are happy?


----------



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Rubix Cubed said:


> LH are you saying you are happy?


For me, it's too early to say. Currently, no. But there's also a lot I need to figure out about me to be happy separately from HIM. And I'm doing that. Focusing more on me is making me happIER. I've decided to branch out and make more friends and do more things, travel, go to the gym. And yes, that's making me happiER than I have been in a while overall. I will deal and cope with him cheating. It will be better if he helps me with that. If he doesn't, that's on him and not me. But I'm not going to sit and wallow in my misery about it every day. I'm going to get on with life and make ME happy.


----------



## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Peter/ said:


> Hi, the neighbors said that she knocked their door hysterical and had to calm her down, I briefed them as far as to say we were having a "trust" issue and I would be moving out for a while(slight of hand there as a while can mean eternity as it is a subjective phrase), they didn't realize quite how cruel (in their minds anyway) I was going to be, I left no forwarding address and didn't tell them where I was heading.
> 
> There seems to be a lot of this "helplessness" around here, a lot of you guys are confronted with a lot worse than I was, she had inappropriate contact on the internet, some of you are walking through the front door while she's frantically putting her panties back on and the bloke is running out the back gate, I think it comes down to always being prepared, always an abundance of cash, low debt levels and a good credit score means you can be a flexible, I know I am lucky enough not to have kids with her but even if I did, there is no way I would have let myself be a friggin door mat like I've seen here.
> 
> ...


 A lot of very proud people have had their scrotum handed to them in a divorce. I don't recommend getting too cocky.


----------



## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

Peter/ said:


> I feel so lame and right now, a little bit sick in my stomach trying to figure this out.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




It is probably a harmless flirtation but to be honest, if you are the kind of man who would hit a woman then maybe you should do her a favor and move on.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

LosingHim said:


> when you do add in children and finances, things become a bit more muddy. You can SAY all day you’d still do it the same if you had kids, but honestly, you don’t know until you’re there.
> 
> just because you did what others haven’t doesn’t mean your way is the only way. A lot of people here haven’t done what you did and they’re still happy.


I don't know your back story, will go looking in a bit. The problem is that a lot of people were happy enough with life before it all blew up, they just want it to go back to what it was, I don't.

There are no magic spells to reverse the damage, but unless you are anywhere near secure in your finances and responsible with money you will never be ready for anything let alone a catastrophe like this!

I understand your sentiment about kids, but this is where it seems a lot of people have lost the plot and their direction, they allow emotion to cloud their judgement and end up flugging it up, I read a ton of threads here where kids have been used as weapons against them and tools of emotional blackmail, yes they muddy the water, but if you are clear on your direction and set and maintain boundaries, you will be far better off in the long run as will the kids.


----------



## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

TX-SC said:


> A lot of very proud people have had their scrotum handed to them in a divorce. I don't recommend getting too cocky.


The law is on my side, I've been smart and run it all through solicitors before execution, nothing left to chance, she has no chance of hanging me out to dry or stitching me up, PPPPPP.

Her reactions and future motivations are inconsequential now, I have no intention of having any contact with her and as I hold all the aces she might as well get on with her life and do what she wants, I know I will.


----------



## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

David51 said:


> It is probably a harmless flirtation but to be honest, if you are the kind of man who would hit a woman then maybe you should do her a favor and move on.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


For the last 60 years feminists have been banging on about wanting equality, well, if a man can have his face pushed in for a lot less than triggering an extreme emotional response then a woman certainly can.


----------



## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

Peter/ said:


> For the last 60 years feminists have been banging on about wanting equality, well, if a man can have his face pushed in for a lot less than triggering an extreme emotional response then a woman certainly can.




Do you really want to know how serious this is? Get the other mans contact info and then sit your wife down and tell her that you intend to pay him a visit and show her his address so that she knows you are serious. 
You will know by her reaction just what is going on. I have been down this road myself and believe me when I tell you that this will get a reaction and with a little luck no one will get punched in the mouth and you won't wind up in jail.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

David51 said:


> Do you really want to know how serious this is? Get the other mans contact info and then sit your wife down and tell her that you intend to pay him a visit and show her his address so that she knows you are serious.
> You will know by her reaction just what is going on. I have been down this road myself and believe me when I tell you that this will get a reaction and with a little luck no one will get punched in the mouth and you won't wind up in jail.


Keep reading.

They're done.

She was cheating.


----------



## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

David51 said:


> Do you really want to know how serious this is? Get the other mans contact info and then sit your wife down and tell her that you intend to pay him a visit and show her his address so that she knows you are serious.
> You will know by her reaction just what is going on. I have been down this road myself and believe me when I tell you that this will get a reaction and with a little luck no one will get punched in the mouth and you won't wind up in jail.


There is a name for it here, or so I have read, electronic emotional affair, where she gets her emotional needs met by another man through the internet, that for me is totally unacceptable, it is one thing to b1tch and moan to a girlfriend about your troubles at home with your husband, but to be doing it with another (straight) man on the internet is not fine by me, especially when he openly says he wants to be more than an ear to bash for a text or two "been a long time since I've seen your body" seems harmless, but then couple that with two messages later, "think you should send me a boobie pic", and her response was not one of "piss off perv" it was simply "well you'll just have to use your imagination". 

I am not stupid, she courted this losers attentions, looked at all the time stamps and was sure to photograph them too, I'm running around the house like a loon getting ready for work where I'm late and she's telling him "I've got to be careful he hasn't left for work yet", telling, isn't it, I blew up at her once for what I deemed inappropriate contact with the same loser and then she decided the best foot forward was to simply go underground with it thinking that I wouldn't look again.

I freely admit that I hadn't anticipated her going underground and maybe I should have been more wise and searched online to find out what comes next, could have been here months ago!


----------



## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

GusPolinski said:


> Keep reading.
> 
> They're done.
> 
> She was cheating.


Yep, inappropriate contact once could be seen as a mistake, she should have been on best behavior not sneaking around even more.

Job done, she must have known my reaction, she surely can't think I would be ok with that sort of stunt after 10yrs of marriage?

Anyway, at least you get it, lines in the sand are not meant to be crossed and if they are, harsh consequences must follow!


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Peter/ said:


> Yep, inappropriate contact once could be seen as a mistake, she should have been on best behavior not sneaking around even more.
> 
> Job done, she must have known my reaction, she surely can't think I would be ok with that sort of stunt after 10yrs of marriage?
> 
> Anyway, at least you get it, lines in the sand are not meant to be crossed and if they are, harsh consequences must follow!


And even then, I don't see how it can be considered a harsh consequence when someone who doesn't value his/her marriage enough to rein in his/her behavior loses said marriage as a result of it.


----------



## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

Peter/ said:


> There is a name for it here, or so I have read, electronic emotional affair, where she gets her emotional needs met by another man through the internet, that for me is totally unacceptable, it is one thing to b1tch and moan to a girlfriend about your troubles at home with your husband, but to be doing it with another (straight) man on the internet is not fine by me, especially when he openly says he wants to be more than an ear to bash for a text or two "been a long time since I've seen your body" seems harmless, but then couple that with two messages later, "think you should send me a boobie pic", and her response was not one of "piss off perv" it was simply "well you'll just have to use your imagination".
> 
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

David51 said:


> i was to restate that online romance is just fantasy in her mind (I assume) and the seen in "Gone with her wind" the man is Clark Gable...or whatever romance novel she is currently reading.
> 
> You are all about today and the **** you had to put up with in order to insure you get another pay check so she can spend time with her online lover......the problem is....She is SPOILED and that is probably because you love her.......I have been there!! Hell I am there from time to time ....mean to say I have Been thru same ****.....women are adults but also children........you have to be the parent.... conversation, talk to her.....for fun you may suggest she needs a spanking....for me that didn't work out but was still fun to suggest it.....good luck!
> 
> ...


I bailed, she chose her path, she had a second chance to not fluff up, did it again anyway, for what ever reason, I have no idea and don't much care either, I am secure in my situation and can leave the rest to the solicitors.

There are days still where I am not sure about things but each time I stumble, I think about the fact that she didn't tell him to stop the stupid sh1t, she enjoyed having someone new chase her, it's obvious, and the more threads I read here on TAM I am 100% certain that I made the right choice. I read dozens of these things, dozens of women who rekindled old flames, who were seduced by the advances of a player who courts women online, they do it once, it's fun and exciting, it makes them feel good and they do it again and again, she likes it but needs more than words and **** pics and he wants to see flesh the more juicy and succulent the better, she flashes it to keep his attention and in deeper she goes, before you know it she's hooked and meeting up for secret rendezvous and unprotected sex.

The stories here should be posted word for word in the daily papers, it would wake people up to the reality that affairs are catastrophic and hurt everyone around them.

The depths some women will sink to is shocking!!!


----------



## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Happy for you so far, but 10 years married in the UK? I will be shocked if you aren't stuck with alimony.


----------



## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

OnTheRocks said:


> Happy for you so far, but 10 years married in the UK? I will be shocked if you aren't stuck with alimony.


Solicitors say that there has to be some form of dependency for liability to pay any ongoing maintenance, neither of us were ever dependent on the other for financial security any kind of allowances, we both worked, earned equivalent wages and shared much of the outgoing living costs.

He says this should be fairly open and shut no fault divorce, I read a few threads where the whole process was protracted for want of adultery on the books, I don't care, as far as I am aware there was no physical contact and there has been absolutely no signals that there was anything in the past that I can recollect, so this is the way forward and I want it wrapped up fast.

I am not interested in trying the couple counselling or any of that rubbish, I was always open and approachable but it seems old flames can provoke strange responses in women and even so much as to say they can and do withhold that contact as not to create a problem, which in essence creates a problem in itself, honesty is the best policy, if she were to want contact with the ex then it would be more reassuring to talk about it honestly than to try to hide it, unless there are problems with having contact with said ex then it seems that she should not be engaging in any contact with him and should be even more open about any approaches and should be rebutting them.


----------

