# Forgiving and forgetting....



## only1forme (Dec 30, 2009)

My wife had an affair with a "mutual fiend"(the phrase is laughable) all the classic signs, which I ignored then popped home one day during the day and picked up the post, opened her phone bill and found the hundreds of texts and phonecalls. It had been going on for a while and even caught her once or twice more during the weeks after D-Day.
I'm no angel and been with others(drunk one night things) 20+ years ago when I was working away from home. So I thought I could deal with it, I do still love her and it would tear our kids/family apart.
This was a year and a half ago and I'm struggling, It happens less when i'm with her but when I'm not and at work etc I just keep turning over the details constantly, its the first thing that crosses my mind most mornings.
The thing is I'm 42 and a company director, we have two grown (lovely)kids, one grandchild. We have a business which my wife operates which owns its own premises outright and only a couple years left on our house mortgage. So things should be good for me, I'm not abusive in any manner, I only ever drink in company and never at home. 
Looking forward I'm starting to despair that I'm not going to be able to deal with this in the way I thought I could. I can't imagine being stuck in this rut permanently putting a brave face on. If I throw the towel in as the price of stating together being too high to pay and start again will I still spend all my quiet time analysing the "he said" "she said" snippets of conversation like I'm doing now. Is this normal, am I just kidding myslef?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

You have not healed from your wife's A. Unless this happens, you have this prob.

Was her A a physical one?

Does your wife know about your one night stands?

The danger is that your wife's affair is rugswept by you and she has no consequence for her A.


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## only1forme (Dec 30, 2009)

Physical, Yes, I believe so but she won't discuss it and I'm not sure I can take the detail..
As for my past indiscretions, no she's unaware. It happened twice I was unhappy about it even then at 21. I realised it wasn't healthy to be away so quit the job and have only worked at home ever since.
Just checked back and the first post I made on this site was from December 2009, I'm totally stunned its been 3 1/2 years..


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Forgiving is one thing. Forgetting is impossible.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What have you two done to try to work through the issues? Or have you both just allowed them to be swept under the rug?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## only1forme (Dec 30, 2009)

We have kinda done just that, she obviously feels too guilty to discuss it. I don't know where to start. I do love her and still find her attractive but I'm not sure that's enough any more.
We, in our younger years used to say that we wouldnt stay together for the kids it had to stay about us. I thought it had been. Initially I blamed the other bloke, now I appreciate that it takes two to tango.. and I guess I'm more than a little frightened that for all I know it could happen again...


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

You'll never move past this until you know what happened and why.

You should confess your past ONS's also. Perhaps if you open up' she will as well and you two can see if your M can be rebuilt.


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## only1forme (Dec 30, 2009)

I'm not going to own up to anything for a start as it would just ease her conscience, admission of a couple of drunken shags 20 years will not help. It was the culture at the time we were all young lads working away from home and as soon as I realised that was the life style I quit and came home. We didn't marry until a couple of years after that anyway when our eldest was about 3. 

I think I'm going to throw the towel in, finding that first post earlier and the fact it dates back to 2009 is gnawing at me a little. inactivity over all this time, its so unlike me in typical terms. 
The hardest thing through all of this has been having no-one to discuss it with I'm surrounded by extended family all day at work, we've been together that long that all of our friends are mutual... 
Why should it be so hard for me, I haven't done anything to deserve this.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Do you love her.. Honestly DO YOU LOVE HER.....

Sit alone, Sit on the couch while she is in the kitchen, Sit in the kitchen while she is on the couch and look at her.. Do you love her.

Because if you do then don't fvcking do it..

Just because she doesn't know about you cheating you just can't make the excuse it was the culture.. I'm older then you and I NEVER, NEVER, NEVER cheated on anyone I was EVER with.. And trust me being a cop in a big city I literally turned away women.. 

I go away to training for weeks and turned away women. I'm practically 3000 miles away from my STBXW and turned it down.. I knew I would never get caught.

But trust me when I tell you.. You not only divorce your wife, you divorce your kids.. I wouldn't wish this on ANYONE. 

You need therapy and you need to find a way to fix this. Trust me life is fvcking short. Your gonna toss away 20 years where you admit to screwing around yourself a well. 

Again you want to play this semantic game of I did it before marriage because it makes it easier for you in your head, by all means do so. But try to explain at least to me that way. because it really does sound like Bullsh1t excuse.. 

You just don't want to have it tossed in your face. You know maybe, just maybe she knew about those affairs. But she sucked it up for her kids and maybe knew or hoped that things would get better and they did. You eventually stopped. But maybe she never forgave you and had this affair. Who the fvck knows.. 

I lock up a guy for selling drugs and he probably sold drugs to dozens of people a day for a month. But when I arrest him for that one or two people I catch him selling to. He cries and complains that I should go after real bad people. People that rob banks and kill people. His excuse is that he is just trying to support his family and these people will get drugs from some place else if it isn't him. That I will never do anything to make drugs go away. And I know he is right, but I just don't give up and let him go because of it. 

But I am not charging him with 100s of drug sales.. I am charging him with 2 or 3.. He got away 97 other times before that day.. Does it still make it right ??

Dude Trust me this isn't gonna work out the way you think it will. Don't do it.. 

Do EVERYTHING you can to fix this.. Try EVERYTHING to fix this. if you can come here and say, look I tried therapy, MC, shock treatments and I am still feeling like this and your looking to pull this trigger then by all means do so. 

To me we are all a$$holes, but each one of us has a spouse that knows we are as$$holes. You think finding someone else is gonna be better ? Absolutely not. Your just gonna be with another A$$hole. The difference is you now what you got. You know what is broken in her or she knows what is broken in you.. Why would you want to fix her for someone else.. 

So you leave because of what happen, You split everything and loose this financial future you have. Okay no biggie. Its money you can make it back. 

But do you think your gonna find someone to put up with your Sh1t the way she does ?,.. 

Trust me there are A LOT of broken people out there.. Many that never took the time to fix themselves after leaving their spouses. This is what you will be venturing into.. A land of broken toys that will want YOU to take them all away from their troubles.. 

If I am gonna fix someone, then let me fix my wife of 20 years.. Not some women I met 3 months ago. 

Its funny, my good friend is divorced and gets women, but honestly they are people you wouldn't want to be seen out in public with.. I'm sorry but I think everyone here knows what I am talking about. But what is his issue ? It is sad that in my LARGE CITY he is still after so many years is still trying to find someone of some substance.. Someone to be with that can understand him and have a new life with.. 

It just isn't that easy.. You might not see it, but I am sure you have a bunch of hang ups and idiosyncrasies that have developed over the years with your spouse.. She deals with them because she has GROWN over the YEARS to get used to them. 

You think some 40s year old woman with our without kids is gonna deal with your issues ?.. There will be, but not many. Or not the ones you might want to be with. 

End result Try, Try to fix yourself and this if you can. At least at a minimum if you decided to walk out the door on this chapter in your life. At least you walk away learning something about yourself and this way maybe these are things you will not bring into a new relationship.. And at least you can walk away saying you tried.. 

But I think you need to come clean as well. You catch a beating and she catches one.. Your both even and you start fresh, but you need professional help to teach you on how to over come this.. Plain and simple. 

Trust me I would never think being mr cool cop I would EVER need therapy.. I've seen it all. The problem was it was never happening to me..

As far as the cheating part, the only difference between you and your wife is you might have not gotten caught.. But it is still the same Sh1t..


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

If it's not in you to forgive her transgression, then you are under no obligation to do so. If this infidelity has made you so unhappy in your marriage and you can't get past it after almost 4 years, then I ask you; why are you still there? You should leave. It appears that she hasn't given you what you need to heal so how serious is she about this reconciliation? Sounds like a rug sweep on both of your parts. So why go through the motions of marriage if your heart isn't in it.

The old saying "What goes around comes around" is so true. I guess it sucks when it happens to you.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Only1

Why not sit your wife down and tell her the truth.

Tell her how you still feel after these few years about her affair.

Tell her how you think about this every day, how you think about this every morning.

Tell her how you feel.

Then sit back and listen to what she says. Watch her actions very closely.

I think you will know what to do after that conversation.

You both have pain. Now the hard part really begins for you and your entire family.

HM64


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Put everything on the table, your past indicretions and of course how you feel now, everyday. Tell her you are at the end of the rope and ask her to help you give a last shot at the marriage using every tool at hand (ICs, MCs, books, online resources..). Wait for her reaction and commit fully if her response is right.
You never dealt with this, what's happening is exactly predictable the sides effect of rugsweeping things.
Deal with it once for all before pulling the trigger.
Honor all those years together, honor your family being radically honest. Speak your mind and let the chips fall where they may.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Like people are saying you never dealt with it. And it has grown into a cancer for your marriage. We can't tell you to stay or go. We can tell you how to deal with the affair and start to heal or we can tell you the process to detach so you can divorce in a healthy fashion. So what information do you want? What you have been doing is nothing whatever you decide I would encourage to DEAL with it as you can see the choice to not only causes misery.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

only1forme said:


> Physical, Yes, I believe so but she won't discuss it and I'm not sure I can take the detail..
> As for my past indiscretions, no she's unaware. It happened twice I was unhappy about it even then at 21. I realised it wasn't healthy to be away so quit the job and have only worked at home ever since.
> Just checked back and the first post I made on this site was from December 2009, I'm totally stunned its been 3 1/2 years..


This is why you aren't over it. You don't know what you are forgiving. You know there was betrayal but don't know the depths of it.

Having cheated previously, though, you have to understand that it can happen to otherwise good people. I had to accept that my wife was a great woman who is also human and therefore, fallible. That was hard to deal with.

But I also had her help in that anything and everything I needed to know, she told me. I was able to verify her stories and corroborate her timeline with evidence. It let me know what I needed to forgive.

I feel for you. I'm a year past and things are much better, but I know those dark days and still trigger occasionally.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

BTW, depression is very common during this phase, and nothing to be ashamed of. Talk with your doctor about some antidepressants while you both deal with this.


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## only1forme (Dec 30, 2009)

Thanks for your thoughts and opinions, particularly to hardtohandle that little reality check seems to have helped me gain some perspective. I'm going to try to put it behind me, shape myself up and try again. 
We're part of a small community in a smallish town and currently still move in the same kind of circles as the man my wife had the affair with. Although we've avoided the confrontation there's still a lot of intermediate friends it never really crossed my mind before but somebody mentioned 'triggers'. Is it wiser to withdraw completely from that social circle and avoid the triggers for both of us or just brunt it out and wait for it not to be an issue. We had a guy working for us a few years ago whose wife had an affair with someone at her works, they sold up house and moved town. I always thought that it was excessive as the cheating is a kind of decided action and geography shouldn't really help but I can see the attraction of a 'new start'..


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## Unaware (Jan 7, 2013)

InlandTXMM said:


> This is why you aren't over it. You don't know what you are forgiving. You know there was betrayal but don't know the depths of it.
> 
> Having cheated previously, though, you have to understand that it can happen to otherwise good people. I had to accept that my wife was a great woman who is also human and therefore, fallible. That was hard to deal with.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
It is not possible to forgive if you do not know what happened. A judge could never hand down a punishment if the crime was unknown. 

I would sit her down and tell her that you don't know how to get past it without knowing what you are getting past.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> Only1
> 
> Why not sit your wife down and tell her the truth.
> 
> ...


Please do what HappyMan suggested. You are only 42, you have many years left - can you honestly put yourself through another 30 to 40 years of the same trauma as the last few? Why would you? 

If your wife refuses to discuss it you will never heal.

Your children are grown, as adults they should be able to handle it if you decide to leave your marriage.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

*Communicate.*


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

This sounds like only half a story. If your wife is refusing to talk about it then all is lost.

But.

You might be better telling her that before you throw in the towel.

I wonder if your wife has shown remorse? Committed to telling you what you want to know (even if you need to know nothing more)?

Have you exposed the affair? This is so important because you need a support network. Otherwise every time you talk to your family or hers, if they don't know about it, you will feel that you are lying by omission. This might be reflected in bitterness towards your wife.

I believe that the best way is being open with yourselves and others. Talk to each other then tell family what happened and ask for their support in rebuilding your marriage.

This can both help affair proof your marriage (and give you comfort that others are looking out for you) and help others understand what you are going through. There is no shame not matter how important you might think you are. We are all people whatever we do.

Tell your wife how you feel. Talk, talk and then talk some more. She must be open with you, however, otherwise all is lost.


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

Forgiving? About as possible as the Jacksonville Jaguars winning the Super Bowl. 

Forgetting? About as possible as Tulane winning the Super Bowl.

Any questions?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

You cannot begin a true reconciliation and begin healing until you BOTH come clean and lay it all out there. 

Start there.


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## GreenThumb (Jul 5, 2013)

Only1,

You and your wife are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you can both, as many have recommended, put *all *the cards on the table and communicate with each other. I know it would be difficult for me to begin healing and/or R if WH didn't answer A questions. Unfortunately, sometimes the answers and details are excruciatingly painful as they offer a more clear image of the both the E and P aspects of the A (places they dined, song lyrics, poems). When I am with my WH, he appears and acts remorseful, crying and verbally reassuring when he "sees" my pain especially as it relates to triggers; however, I'm certain he'll never fully understand the depth of the betrayal. He tells me, "The A is over", but for me, it's only just begun. Sometimes he sounds and appears (body language) frustrated when I ask questions or am not having a good day; he tells me that he's frustrated not with me, but with himself and his stupidity for losing sight of me and our marriage. For me, it takes a tremendous amount of energy to remain focused on what we're occasionally doing together ("practicing togetherness") and not think, "I'm sure he'd rather have a perky, firm 31-year-old rather than a middle-aged 48-year-old hanging off his arm and in his bed." The intellectual mind is still fighting the emotional one most days. I've even told him this and he can only say, "I want you and only you" so many times. 

I hope that you and your WS can arrive at a place where you both move in the same direction that is best for both of you. This is such a difficult journey.


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