# Emotionally and physically starved



## Gay man needing direction (Sep 13, 2017)

I hardly know where to start. I apologize if my post isn't as fluent as it should be.

I am a gay man in my mid forties. My husband is in his early sixties. We've been together 17 years, and have been legally married for three.

When we first got together, it was only supposed to be for fun, nothing else. Well, he wooed and courted me and the tides turned and things became intense. We dated for a year, living in different cities. It got to the point that I would cry when he would leave to go home at the end of our weekends together. We moved in with each other after a year.

The first three or so years we were together we had passionate sex, he was hands on in general, and made me feel special and loved.

Unfortunately, that isn't who he is intrinsically.

He is overweight and does not like his own body. He does not like me to see him naked, generally. He has had a mild stroke and is now on Social Security. He has diabetes and high blood pressure. He has some mobility issues. His vision is poor. As a result of disease and the myriad medicines he takes, he no longer achieves an erection nor ejaculates.

I have a high sex drive, I am VERY touchy-feely, I am passionate and sensitive and like to be told AND shown I'm loved. I am very giving in return- happily so. I thrive on physical connection with the man I'm with. It's not a want but a need. I also enjoy being verbally expressive with the man I love. It's not a want but a need.

He loves me, but it is not his nature to be physically or verbally expressive. We still have sex maybe twice a month, and although it is passionate, he is very inhibited and so I'm left somewhat unfulfilled. His inhibition plus his erectile dysfunction means I miss out on a lot of sex.

I've communicated to him dozens of times how much I need these things, but he avoids the discussion. We both know he just doesn't have it in him. We give each other a peck on the lips daily, but sometimes I'll try to hug or kiss him and it's "not the right time" as in he's busy or whatever. He doesn't make touch a priority, and he doesn't tell me I'm handsome any more. He occasionally will say I "look nice" due to my outfit.

He does love me but he shows in other ways- cooks me good food, buys me material things. We both acknowledge that's how it rolls. He knows he's not giving me what I need.
He thinks I'm going to leave him, but I tell him I'm committed to our relationship and that I know there are some things I will hardly or never get from him.

That said, I have begun to outsource some of those needs, because I'm physically and emotionally starved.

I recently met a man who has had a few experiences with men but is married to a woman. He married due to societal pressure. He only started experimenting with men in his 40's, and he's now 50.
We've exchanged pictures online and video chatted, as he does not live close.
He is handsome, and tells me I'm one of the hottest men he's ever seen. I don't think he is making it up- he has no reason to.
He is so enthralled with who I am as a person inside and out, he says he wished he met me years ago because he would have come out to be with me and never married a woman.
We are already saying "I love you" and talking about a future together. He loves me despite knowing the good and the bad about me.

I am petrified of what it would do to my husband if I left him, but this other man is able to offer me everything I need, without having to outsource.
My husband and I share friends and visit each other's families. We have a long history. But some of the most crucial things I need from a relationship are not there- I feel duped, as it used to be pretty good then his true self came out and I have been largely neglected for years. I have on many occasions, felt physical pain in my chest at his rejections.

Any thoughts? What do I do??


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think its best to settle your issues at home, or divorce first, then go looking for someone new. I understand the temptation, I really do, but nothing good will come out of having an affair with a married man. If he is unhappy in his marriage, then it is on him to leave *first*, then have an affair.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Most likely, this married guy isn't going to leave his wife, and he's just using you. It feels good because he's telling you what you want to hear, and you're getting what you're missing from your current relationship. But, you probably should decide if you want to stay or go before you continue in any new relationships. It's only fair to everyone involved with you, or anyone new who gets involved with you.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Just like any relationship you really need to decide to stay or leave your husband. Yes, he has medical issues but you married him. You are young and I understand your feeling 'trapped'. But you are lying to yourself if you stay. Figure out what's best for you! As far as this other married guy.. BEWARE!!! He is only telling you what you need and want to hear. Let's see if he divorces his wife for you. I doubt it because it's just fantasy land from the mundane. Please be careful!!!


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Figure out things first at home. Talk to your husband about your needs. If he does not want to have a discussion, maybe go to mc to force a discussion where someone else gets to dictate the discussion. He will be hurt by your actions and getting involved while married is a no no. Maybe you guys can talk about you getting your needs.met outside of your marriage but still being together...open marriage etc

Now with regards to the married man on line...baby don't get involved with married men. He is leading a double life and leading you on...this is a world of problems that you don't want.. let him figure out his life and don't think he will leave his life for you. 

Cheating on your spouse is never without consequences. Life throws us all curves..who is to say the other guy wouldnt get sick . Or you wouldn't get sick.

Firgue out what is important to you.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Gay marriages have the same problems as straight marriages.

Time for some hard decissions do you want this for the rest of you life if not time to disolve the marriage and look for someone closer to you age that you compatiable with


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