# After 5 years, my husband says he wants to be alone forever.



## Mandia99508

My husband and I have been together for 5 years, 4 of them unmarried but living together. We married last year on the solstice. When he asked me to marry him I tried to postpone the date, because I wanted more time for planning and inviting and whatnot. But we did it quickly, and married less than 3 months after our engagement.

In the past we have struggled with his spouts of depression. He also drinks a lot when he is going through these spouts. Currently he is going through one and this one is lasting longer than the others. We've always pulled through. Always. We had our break-up moments but we've always pulled it back together. 

I'd been telling him that I had thought about maybe doing a separation because I thought it would help him with his depression, he keeps saying he just wants to be alone. So a separation would allow for that. Unfortunately it is not in our budget to take out another lease so that I can live separately from him so separating became an all or nothing concept. So I decided that for me, separating needed to be taken off the table and I would hang in there. I honestly could stand by him for years in this state because I'm a strong individual and I've learned ways to cope and not lets his negativity affect me outside the home. We work opposite schedules and are only together for 1 - 3 hours on our work days. We do our weekends together and yes, we have been fighting a lot during those times. Endless cycles of "what do we do?" conversations.

Well he came home last night with a solution and seems to think it's the absolute. He wants to divorce, because he thinks he is not meant to be with anyone and wants to be alone for the rest of his life. I think he's just taking the easy way out because he doesn't want to be responsible. I've been waiting for him to grow up in many ways and hoped years down the road that he would, before we have children. 

I regret now ever bringing the idea of separation up, because 2 days ago I asked him if he wanted out of the marriage and he didn't say yes. Then all of sudden he got intoxicated and decides he does. We talked in circles for a while, him telling me I deserve better and we're not right for each other, we've made a big mistake. I said that it is my choice to make who I want to be with and I choose you. I want him in my life more than anything else. I am always willing to make sacrifices and change who I am so that I can be with him. Because I know whoever I have to become they will always be well-balanced and full of life. Because that is truly how I am and I can't change that. I can learn to accept things I don't like and tolerate anything he can throw at me (other than abuse of course) because I'm able to do so. Doesn't he realize how lucky he is??? I accept every single one of his flaws and I still love him just as much. After a while the words just kept repeating themselves and I had to go to bed. I told him we would talk about it tomorrow when he is sober. So tonight when he gets home form work (hopefully he takes it seriously) and arrives sober. Then we'll talk.

Am I crazy?? Is bending over backwards just because you love someone so much (or used to) the right thing to do? If he wants to be alone, should I just accept that and move on? To me the answers are simply, yes and no. I want him. Nothing else. I have sought therapy, but I'm getting nothing from it. I feel inconclusive at the end of every session, I feel she just wants me to come back for more sessions, to get more money and isn't solving my problems or helping me with my personal issues of acceptance.


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## Mandia99508

So after about 2 weeks things started to get better. His mood improved 100%, and he was in to me. He was loving and cherishing. He even would hug me unprovoked. He picked me up a couple times when he did this. To me this meant the world. 

Then my best friend came to town and we went on a week long road trip. It was so nice to get away and enjoy myself, and do some things I have always wanted to do. She and I never fought or argued about a thing. We were complementary of each other and I was completely content. It was nice to have to know what it would be like to have a partner around who truly works with you, rather than against you.

We were both elated to have her come, so that he and I could spend some time apart. But now that she is gone it's gotten worse. While she was at the house he managed to get drunk every night. One night was particularly bad, and we got in to an argument outside, that as usual, lead nowhere. We ended by saying "let's talk about this when we're both sober" and then nothing ever came of it.
So now the experience of being together is full of awkward pauses, silence, no touching again. No affection. No I Love Yous from either of us. However it is apparent that we still care for one another. It's the little things that are keeping us together. He brings me lunch. I took him to get dinner yesterday. He asks me to go smoke with him and vise versa. We still sleep in the same bed. We're still wearing our wedding rings. But it's empty. I've simply become indifferent. I want to stay in the house and at my place in life. If he chooses to leave I'd be okay with that. Strange how the tables have turned.


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## Mandia99508

Well we had a heart to heart last night, and we have come to the conclusion to get separated and then divorced. 

Honestly, I'm relieved, and I feel better today than I have in a long time. A very long time. I was even told by a co-worker today that I was glowing. I had such a productive day, and everything is looking up. I never thought that getting a divorce would make things better for me. But I know now, that it was absolutely the right move for me. 

Unfortunately, due to a recent financial deficit we are unable to separate immediately. He has agreed to move out, but needs to save money to get to that point. So it may be months before we actually separate. Sadly... there is only one bed in our apartment, so we also must continue to sleep together. However, I am looking for a new job that will allow me more money and force me to wake up earlier than I do and go to bed much earlier as well. So honestly, once that begins, we'll never even see each other, so living together won't be all bad. He works nights and stays up until 6-7 AM drinking. Most nights I look over in bed and he's not even there.

Wish me luck and pray for strength for him. While I look positively to my bright new future, he will be moping and feeling sorry for himself. But this is what he wants... so too bad, so sad, go cry on someone else's shoulder. My only complaint is that I bought some expensive lingerie, and have no one to use it on and lost the receipt weeks ago.


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## maplesky

Hi Mandia, I wanted to respond to what you wrote about bending over backwards as I'm thinking a lot about that these days as well. I'm currently 3 months into a separation and this is my second marriage (5 years together, 4 married). 

I believe that if all the right stuff is there -- you are a good match, both people are whole and healthy upon entering a marriage, that you both have common goals for the marriage -- that the marriage really does need to be priority one. It means that sometimes it's 50/50. Sometimes it's one person bending over backwards and sometimes it's the other person. In the end, it all works out. However, I also believe that working on a marriage after a few years have passed might mean drawing on banked "putting the marriage first" from time to time and that you still need to make an effort to put the marriage first. This bending over backwards might be harder at times but the banked work pays off and continues to pay off. With no banked together work and one person (or both) in great turmoil, bending over backwards can be a one-person act. This is not good for the person who needs to do deep inner work and it is not going to help the marriage's emotional bank. And for the person doing the bending, it is not serving her/his emotional needs either. This is not to say that I suggest separation or divorce as an option in all cases; I'm just suggesting that in these circumstances, there is other work that needs to become a priority.

Just a working theory that is sort of evolving for me... in my case, I see that by my husband continuing to honor his email contact and to give the separation 6 months, he is adding to the emotional bank. In my agreeing to his need for a weekly email and no phone or other communication, I am doing the same. But of course the context has changed since, for all intents and purposes, our marriage is over and the work we're doing is to help us understand what happened and to heal and move on. As for the future, maybe we'll work things out and maybe we won't. But one thing is for certain: it will not be the same marriage it once was.

There's nothing worse than limbo land or the sense that you have no idea where you are at in terms of working on things. Separation is like that: it can seem as though there are no rules, and up is down - perhaps more so if under the same roof? (my circumstances are different as my husband moved 1400 miles away on the first day of our separation). No matter how you choose to define your separation or how things work out in the end, I wish you both the best with this and luck finding your paths.


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## Mandia99508

maplesky said:


> Hi Mandia, I wanted to respond to what you wrote about bending over backwards as I'm thinking a lot about that these days as well. I'm currently 3 months into a separation and this is my second marriage (5 years together, 4 married).
> 
> I believe that if all the right stuff is there -- you are a good match, both people are whole and healthy upon entering a marriage, that you both have common goals for the marriage -- that the marriage really does need to be priority one. It means that sometimes it's 50/50. Sometimes it's one person bending over backwards and sometimes it's the other person. In the end, it all works out. However, I also believe that working on a marriage after a few years have passed might mean drawing on banked "putting the marriage first" from time to time and that you still need to make an effort to put the marriage first. This bending over backwards might be harder at times but the banked work pays off and continues to pay off. With no banked together work and one person (or both) in great turmoil, bending over backwards can be a one-person act. This is not good for the person who needs to do deep inner work and it is not going to help the marriage's emotional bank. And for the person doing the bending, it is not serving her/his emotional needs either. This is not to say that I suggest separation or divorce as an option in all cases; I'm just suggesting that in these circumstances, there is other work that needs to become a priority.
> 
> Just a working theory that is sort of evolving for me... in my case, I see that by my husband continuing to honor his email contact and to give the separation 6 months, he is adding to the emotional bank. In my agreeing to his need for a weekly email and no phone or other communication, I am doing the same. But of course the context has changed since, for all intents and purposes, our marriage is over and the work we're doing is to help us understand what happened and to heal and move on. As for the future, maybe we'll work things out and maybe we won't. But one thing is for certain: it will not be the same marriage it once was.
> 
> There's nothing worse than limbo land or the sense that you have no idea where you are at in terms of working on things. Separation is like that: it can seem as though there are no rules, and up is down - perhaps more so if under the same roof? (my circumstances are different as my husband moved 1400 miles away on the first day of our separation). No matter how you choose to define your separation or how things work out in the end, I wish you both the best with this and luck finding your paths.


Thank you for your response. I appreciate you sharing your story as well. I have read about this emotional bank, that exists in marriage but it doesn't work if both parties aren't contributing. If I trying to fill the bank all by myself, and he's making all the withdraws... then I'm left with nothing, well, even less than nothing. I have so much more to give this man, but he has nothing he's willing to give anymore. He's turned cold, negative and unrelenting in his mission to live on the dark side of the street. I've been standing here for years waiting for him to come over and he just keeps hiding his true self in the shadows. I could stand here forever but he's lost all sight of me. I am alone even when I'm with him.

Our marriage is over and I've come to accept that. As sad as it makes me, I'm looking forth to the future and next time I won't jump in to a relationship so quickly. He keeps saying we made a big mistake, and those words are more painful than you can imagine. It's almost as if his goal in life is to tear everything down around him, to hurt himself, or others. 

He hasn't smiled at me in such a long while, nor do I expect him to anytime soon. I hope that one day he realizes he made a big mistake by leaving me. I'm a good wife and an amazing person. I know this because everyone tells me so. I'm strong and I will succeed with or without him. Although I do believe it will be easier without him. And sadly, I don't want to accept that as the truth, but I know that it is. 

I just wish that love was enough. Because we have plenty of that.


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## Mandia99508

After all this turmoil that we have been through since June, I have decided that he is right. Divorce is the best option for us. Initially I thought, he can move out and I get the apartment and everything in it, along with all the bills. 

Well, I have had a serious change of heart. My selflessness needed to stop, and I needed to think about me for a change and what I really wanted, and decided there was another alternative. I'm 27, and live in a downtown apartment in a bad neighborhood with my husband and changing that to living alone, with half the income and all the same problems just didn't seem like a path the was healthy for me.

So I have decided to move home, and leave him completely. Once the divorce is finalized I'm buying a plane ticket, taking my cat and moving on with my life. Alone. Honestly coming to this decision was not easy, nor did I see it coming. But now that is has been made I am so happy. Excited even. Is that weird? I'm excited to end my marriage that I was clinging so desperately to a few weeks ago. 

My decision was based on the fact that I cannot afford to live alone, and would have to take on a roommate. Something I DO NOT want. I have no one near enough to me that I would even want to live with them. Nor do I know anyone who is as financially dependable as I am. Living with a stranger was out of the question. So staying in our apartment didn't seem financially feasible. 

Not only that I started having nightmares of horrible things that could happen to me after he leaves. All involved getting to him. Things such as horrible Volcanic Disasters (we do have volcanoes in Alaska) and other extremely stressful situations. There were others, many with the same result: I couldn't get to him. These dreams said to me, I need to get away from here and not worry about staying in close contact with him. He may be my best friend, but best friends don't abandon you and think only of themselves.

So, I came up with a new solution, moving back in with my folks for the support I will need initially after the divorce and then finding a place of my own. Going back to my university to pursue a degree that I actually want. Not just something that I can find at the university he must attend. I'm so satisfied. I can't wait to get home and be with my family and not be thousands of miles away with once a year visits. I am looking at the divorce as a blessing. I'm removing the leash around my neck and getting away.

If I had chosen to stay in the same area with him, I know how things would go. He would get lonely and we'd feel okay to use each other for comfort in emotional and physical matters. That I know is neither healthy nor beneficial for me. I have to get away from him because I love him so much, and he is so bad for me. So that is what I am going to do.

Wish me luck!


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## jeffreygropp

Mandia
You sound so strong. There are going to be moments where you break apart and question your decision. I want to put out there that based on what you wrote and the tone (if I am reading it correctly: confidence) that you made the right choice. Take this opportunity to head out on your own.

I wish you health and happiness. Please take care of yourself first and foremost.


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## Mandia99508

jeffreygropp said:


> Mandia
> You sound so strong. There are going to be moments where you break apart and question your decision. I want to put out there that based on what you wrote and the tone (if I am reading it correctly: confidence) that you made the right choice. Take this opportunity to head out on your own.
> 
> I wish you health and happiness. Please take care of yourself first and foremost.


Thank you Jeffery. Thank you so much. I anticipate leaving more than most women who don't want to leave their husband can imagine. Because I know the alternative (staying) is the most unhealthy thing I could ever do for myself, and I am not going to sacrifice myself any further for him, simply because he refuses to do the same.


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