# I wish I could be an *******



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I wish I could accept what my husband can give me. I wish I could take the limited time, effort, sex, and emotional connection that he gives me. And use family, friends and others to supplement what my husband doesn't give me. I wish I can have kids with him, Then when they grow up and he works too much and continues to not make me a priority I can divorce his ass and take half his assets and go marry for real love. I wish I can just use him for my pure benefit. I mean that's what he does right? That's what PA people do, except leave you completely f*cked up and emotionally damaged.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Stop wishing and start doing. Divorce is hard but it's sooooo worth it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

This is the fortieth thread you've started about what a sorry sack of sh1t your husband is since you got here almost a year ago. When are you going to stop spouting blubble and actually DO something?!?!?! It's getting REALLY REALLY old.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Why would I divorce him now. I'm in my 30s without kids and I am emotionally f*cked up. Which to be honest I probably was before I even met him. Why get divorced now, take time to heal, maybe find a guy, whose will more than likely have issues too. Maybe get married, maybe have kids, maybe be alone for life. 

Or stay in this marriage. Harden myself and become like him and start to use him. I can have kids, which I will be able to raise myself because he won't be there which is good. Use his money to hire house keepers, and whatever I want. Hang out with friends and family. Then if and when I can't take it anymore I can divorce him. This will guarantee I have kids (which is important to me), give him a chance to change. If he doesn't I still might end up better anyway bc I will have kids and a great alimony check.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

katiecrna said:


> Why would I divorce him now. I'm in my 30s without kids and I am emotionally f*cked up. Which to be honest I probably was before I even met him. Why get divorced now, take time to heal, maybe find a guy, whose will more than likely have issues too. Maybe get married, maybe have kids, maybe be alone for life.
> 
> Or stay in this marriage. Harden myself and become like him and start to use him. I can have kids, which I will be able to raise myself because he won't be there which is good. Use his money to hire house keepers, and whatever I want. Hang out with friends and family. Then if and when I can't take it anymore I can divorce him. This will guarantee I have kids (which is important to me), give him a chance to change. If he doesn't I still might end up better anyway bc I will have kids and a great alimony check.


This is so many kinds of fvcked up I have no words.


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## Síocháin (Mar 11, 2016)

This is your life Katie and what you have chosen for yourself. PLEASE do not bring any children into this. It is going to get so much worse especially when you & he move closer to his family. Doesn't matter what you wish, this is all you'll get from a PA. They are not capable of anything more than that until they become self-aware & WANT to change. He does not. And why should he change? He has everything HE wants. 

This is your life.....

ETA: Your last post speaks volumes. Why in the world would you want to use your children in that way? Shame on you. I really hope that is just venting. That makes you no better than him.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> This is the fortieth thread you've started about what a sorry sack of sh1t your husband is since you got here almost a year ago. When are you going to stop spouting blubble and actually DO something?!?!?! It's getting REALLY REALLY old.




Then he will win and I will lose. I will be alone, emotionally messed up, in my mid 30s without kids, and a ton if student loan debt. Which might I add my husband made me max out so he can continue his luxurious lifestyle as a resident living in a nice condo and driving a nice sports car that my loans paid for.

Then he gets to get out of residency after having a "sugar mama" support his lifestyle. Then he will be a surgeon making tons of money and he can pick any hot young girl he wants. 

I don't think so


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Síocháin said:


> This is your life Katie and what you have chosen for yourself. PLEASE do not bring any children into this. It is going to get so much worse especially when you & he move closer to his family. Doesn't matter what you wish, this is all you'll get from a PA. They are not capable of anything more than that until they become self-aware & WANT to change. He does not. And why should he change? He has everything HE wants.
> 
> 
> 
> This is your life.....




Maybe I should adopt his attitude and start using him and start being happy.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I'm not using my children. I want to have kids. Period. With or without a man it's something that is important to me. 
I have done everything to support my husbands long journey to become a surgeon and I've had to sacrifice ALOT. And now I'm suppose to divorce him right before he finishes and see no benefit from it?


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## Síocháin (Mar 11, 2016)

Maybe you should get into IC so you can learn to deal with your anger & why you put up with his BS.

You can do anything you want. But, if you won't play the passive aggressive game with him anymore, he will find someone who will. I know because mine did and good riddance.

Sometimes you have to lose the marriage to save it. It didn't help me because I had already hit the point of no return when he left. But, it may save yours.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you'll be walking 'cross the floor
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you'll be walking out the door

You never will get where you're going
If you never get up on your feet
Come on, there's a good tail wind blowing
A fast walking woman is hard to beat

If you want to change your direction
If your time of life is at hand
Well don't be the rule, be the exception
A good way to start is to stand

It's from Santa Clause is Coming to Town but apropos to some situation.


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## Síocháin (Mar 11, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> I'm not using my children. I want to have kids. Period. With or without a man it's something that is important to me.
> I have done everything to support my husbands long journey to become a surgeon and I've had to sacrifice ALOT. And now I'm suppose to divorce him right before he finishes and see no benefit from it?


The benefit is you get to move on to someone else who will be a good partner to you. You will have peace of mind & happiness.

Do you know how awful the above sounds? How selfish & self serving.

What in the world Katie?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

katiecrna said:


> Then he will win and I will lose. I will be alone, emotionally messed up, in my mid 30s without kids, and a ton if student loan debt. Which might I add my husband made me max out so he can continue his luxurious lifestyle as a resident living in a nice condo and driving a nice sports car that my loans paid for.
> 
> Then he gets to get out of residency after having a "sugar mama" support his lifestyle. Then he will be a surgeon making tons of money and he can pick any hot young girl he wants.
> 
> I don't think so


You didn't even read what I wrote. I said DO SOMETHING. I didn't say WHAT. Just ANYthing at this point would be an improvement. You are a perpetual complainer, and if you think your husband isn't going to find a hot young girl to do anything he wants ANYWAY, you're also delusional.

God, I hope you never have kids. You are way way way too selfish and immature to be ANY kind of mother to them!!! 

Wake the fvck UP here woman.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

katiecrna said:


> I'm not using my children. I want to have kids. Period. With or without a man it's something that is important to me.
> I have done everything to support my husbands long journey to become a surgeon and I've had to sacrifice ALOT. And now I'm suppose to divorce him right before he finishes and see no benefit from it?


Every reason you give for having kids has to do with what YOU want. It's all about YOU YOU YOU. All you see your husband as right now is a sperm donor to fulfill your selfish need to have kids.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Actually Your wrong. You have no idea what you're talking about. If I was using him for kids I would've had kids already. 
You have no idea what it's like being married to a PA person. There is nothing about me that is selfish. I wish I could be. I would be happier


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

I think I can understand where you're coming from. You suffered so much for so many years doing exactly whatever you were told, and what made you stay and put up with it might have been thoughts like, 

"If my husband can't love and appreciate me, then at least I can have kids with him and my kids will love and appreciate me."

"If I can't be happy with my husband, at least I can wait until we're both well-established and I'll be rich and I can soften my disappointment and disillusionment with Gucci bags and diamond earrings."

The problem with this is that children are tiny, needy, selfish, ungrateful little imps, even at the best of times. You will not see a four-year-old come up to you, hug you, and say, "I can see Daddy isn't nice to you. I'm sorry about that. Let me comfort and validate you." No, young children are too focused on their own needs to even understand that you also have them, let alone want to fulfill them. Your child(ren), even if you love them and have a nurturing personality, will be just one more person in your life for whom you have to do daily, backbreaking labor for little or no thanks. Or worse, they could see how Daddy treats Mummy and start modeling after him, abusing you just like he does.

Also, money cannot buy happiness. It's true that buying something, especially something expensive and/or something you really have your heart set on, will make you happier for a little while, but then, like an alcohol buzz, it wears off and soon you have a closet full of clothes and a chest bursting with finery you don't even really like, because they remind you of everything you _can't_ buy... like your husband's affection.

In short, people are telling you to let go of the idea of holding on for the payoff because in reality, the payoff isn't worth it. For the reasons I described above, waiting 10 or 20 years until your husband has money and you have kids to leave him won't leave you any better off emotionally or psychologically than you would be if you left tomorrow. And, if you did leave tomorrow, you'd have those extra 10 or 20 years that you could be striking out on your own, (or if you're physically unable to live alone, reconnecting with family and friends who will love and support you) going to therapy and getting a firmer grasp on who you are without your husband, and learning how to cope with and overcome all the disappointment and angst you feel. 

You'd be much better off giving yourself a head start on all that learning, growing, and soul-searching than you would be for waiting and finding yourself 20 years older, not an hour wiser, and with money and children who can't satisfy you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> Actually Your wrong. You have no idea what you're talking about. If I was using him for kids I would've had kids already.
> You have no idea what it's like being married to a PA person. There is nothing about me that is selfish. I wish I could be. I would be happier


I think many of us are, or have been, married to PA men. I was married to one for many decades. And at no point during my marriage was my thinking remotely like yours. 

I've read all your threads and I've thought from the beginning that part of why you stay with him is his income potential. I was in a high-income marriage. Believe me when I tell you that money doesn't begin to compensate for a bad marriage. Not even close.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

No trust me I don't care about money. I never have. I love him. I fell head over heels in love with him. I am emotionally f*cked up before this. I would love him to quite working and stay home and be with me all the time. 
It's been a rough road. I feel used and it's easier to be angry than feel sad. And trust me I know money can't buy happiness. I am Christian and I live a Christian life. I am venting here people, I am not serious. We had a great marriage for a few years and I was the happiest in my life. it's hard for me to accept where I am right now.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So why in GODS name do you want to bring kids into this mess?????????????

You admit you're fvcked up. Are you getting any help like counseling? You say you're Christian - no true Christian would want to have kids under the circumstances you're in.

I find it convenient for you to say now that you're 'just venting' and 'not serious' now that you've been called out.

You really do need some serious help. I sure hope that you get it. Soon.


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## mitchell (May 19, 2014)

Katie, I still don't understand all of your angst. Your husband is a CT resident working 100 hours a week. Why is he "using" you? He barely has any time to come home and relax. I would expect his wife to be supportive and understanding. Even in those hours at home he needs to be studying and preparing for surgeries planned the next day.

I remember those years my wife and I were in residency. Those few fleeting hours we were able to grab at home together were times of mutual loving comfort and support. We helped each other survive those trying times.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

mitchell said:


> Katie, I still don't understand all of your angst. Your husband is a CT resident working 100 hours a week. Why is he "using" you? He barely has any time to come home and relax. I would expect his wife to be supportive and understanding. Even in those hours at home he needs to be studying and preparing for surgeries planned the next day.
> 
> 
> 
> I remember those years my wife and I were in residency. Those few fleeting hours we were able to grab at home together were times of mutual loving comfort and support. We helped each other survive those trying times.




Because when he is here... he isn't here. He is PA which means he doesn't know how to communicate and he "punishes" me when he's mad instead of talks to me like an adult. Then he denies doing anything. Because he isn't supportive of my feelings. Because he does whatever he wants to do regardless of my feelings. Because he loves to be the victim and complain but never does anything to change it. I have a million examples


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> Because he loves to be the victim and complain but never does anything to change it.


Not meaning to be snarky, but isn't that exactly what you've been doing?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Ending a marriage is a lot different then....

Complaining about not having sex... after I told him he needs to do more than just ask for it. He continues to just ask for it, and the complaints kept on.

Complaining about not getting a Christmas present... after we have 10 discussions about whether or not we are going to give Christmas presents to each other, all ending with us both agreeing we were not. (We have no money). 

complains he works too much... while never taking any vacation days. 

Complains he is too tired to... hang out, go out, whatever... while he isn't too tired to run 10 miles. 

Constantly complaining about how he has find my friends on his phone... even though he agreed to this to help my trust issues. 

There are many more


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

"I work so hard. I'm so tired, I can't go on a date night with you" meanwhile he goes for a 10 mile run, comes back, drinks coffee and watches soccer all day. 
But it's not my fault. I just work so much that's why we don't have time to spend together. It's so frustrating. Meanwhile he doesn't take his vacation days.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> I would love him to quite working and stay home and be with me all the time.


Why?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

john117 said:


> Why?




Because I love hanging out with him. I love being with him. I always tell him I want to live in a studio apartment so he is forced to be in the same room as me. 

Now he is too Tired, never home and when he is home he is sleeping, or in the other room on the computer. 

We use to always be with each other (when he was home). He would sit on the couch and I would lay in his lap and we would read. Every night I would take a bubble bath and he would come in and sit on the toilet (seat down), and put his feet in and we would just talk. Or he would join me in the tub. He would invite me to sit on his lap when he was on the computer. We were always very affectionate and happy. We didn't see each other often but we did it was great and we couldn't get enough of each other.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

In the morning he would wake up at 4am to go to work and I would pretend to be sleeping and he would always grab one of my feet and kiss it a couple times before he left. 
Now we don't even sleep in the same bed. He sleeps in a spare room. And it's not because I asked.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

katiecrna said:


> Why would I divorce him now. I'm in my 30s without kids and I am emotionally f*cked up. *Which to be honest I probably was before I even met him.* Why get divorced now, take time to heal, maybe find a guy, whose will more than likely have issues too. Maybe get married, maybe have kids, maybe be alone for life.
> 
> Or stay in this marriage. Harden myself and become like him and start to use him. I can have kids, which I will be able to raise myself because he won't be there which is good. Use his money to hire house keepers, and whatever I want. Hang out with friends and family. Then if and when I can't take it anymore I can divorce him. This will guarantee I have kids (which is important to me), give him a chance to change. If he doesn't I still might end up better anyway bc I will have kids and a great alimony check.


Careful, now. This came dangerously close to acknowledging some level of responsibility for the state of your marriage. Luckily you caught yourself in time and went back to powerlessness victim mode. Whew!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If that was the way he used to be? Maybe he's just no longer interested in that life.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> In the morning he would wake up at 4am to go to work and I would pretend to be sleeping and he would always grab one of my feet and kiss it a couple times before he left.
> Now we don't even sleep in the same bed. He sleeps in a spare room. And it's not because I asked.


Katie, this all sounds familiar. Twenty odd years ago we were both working hard to complete our dissertations, had two very young kids, and quality time was sleep. When we graduated I was nearly in tears. We had done the impossible. 

Nearly ten years later, that person that used to be my partner became an emotional zombie. Today I'm not so sure who's in that shell.

People change. It happens. I wish I could turn back the clock but it ain't happening. In the words of my favorite song, it's all photos of ghosts.

http://www.metrolyrics.com/photos-of-ghosts-lyrics-premiata-forneria-marconi.html


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Yo just because you're Christian doesn't mean you have to do the whole suffer thing. HTH.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

FWIW, I'm Catholic, I will be married to the same man till my last breath. 

If both of you want the marriage to be long and happy, then you've got to let go of the resentments and complaining. 
It's destroying the love. Let it go, for your own sanity. 

You both have time to make complaints about each other and agrue? 
Can you sit down and calmly discuss wants and needs? 

So he has time to run, drink coffee, watch soccer etc, use this time to relax with each other. Chill. Laugh. Talk. 
Find solutions, not problems, lead him with positive behaviours. He will not follow negative, as you wouldn't either. 

The best piece of advice our sex therapist gave us was "spend every day as a couple that just met"
When you are first dating someone, you both make efforts to be happy. 
Find solutions to make yourselves happy. 

You're both going to be leading stressful lives, you may be becoming doctors, but sometimes doctors need the help of other doctors, so try get therapy of some sort. Don't waste time on negative emotions, stress is a silent killer! 

Yeah, I definitely sound like a granny!   


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

...Oscar Mayer Weiner, 
that is what i'd truly want to be,
for if i were an Oscar Meyer Weiner,
Everyone would be in love with me.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Hope1964 said:


> You didn't even read what I wrote. I said DO SOMETHING. I didn't say WHAT. Just ANYthing at this point would be an improvement. You are a perpetual complainer, and if you think your husband isn't going to find a hot young girl to do anything he wants ANYWAY, you're also delusional.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Reading all the other threads, he has or had already found another woman. Very obvious to me. A cheater can spot another cheater. 

Sorry Katie.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> Why would I divorce him now. I'm in my 30s without kids and I am emotionally f*cked up. Which to be honest I probably was before I even met him. Why get divorced now, take time to heal, maybe find a guy, whose will more than likely have issues too. Maybe get married, maybe have kids, maybe be alone for life.
> 
> Or stay in this marriage. Harden myself and become like him and start to use him. I can have kids, which I will be able to raise myself because he won't be there which is good. Use his money to hire house keepers, and whatever I want. Hang out with friends and family. Then if and when I can't take it anymore I can divorce him. This will guarantee I have kids (which is important to me), give him a chance to change. If he doesn't I still might end up better anyway bc I will have kids and a great alimony check.


ketiecrna, everything you wrote here is so messed up. Have you seen a counselor? If you already know you are unhappy, you are only in your 30's and you have no children, then you are in a perfect situation to DIVORCE.

Why would you live miserably for the next 10+ years? Why would you bring children into an already bad situation?

Aren't you able to take care of yourself? How did you earn a living before you got married? Why are you thinking only he can earn a living and take care of you? Leave BEFORE you have children, for yourself, and for them.

I'm not trying to be mean, katie. Being in your 30's is young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Choose happiness over being a mooch!!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> I think I can understand where you're coming from. You suffered so much for so many years doing exactly whatever you were told, and what made you stay and put up with it might have been thoughts like,
> 
> "If my husband can't love and appreciate me, then at least I can have kids with him and my kids will love and appreciate me."
> 
> ...


Your best post to date!

Kudos!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> I wish I could accept what my husband can give me. I wish I could take the limited time, effort, sex, and emotional connection that he gives me. And use family, friends and others to supplement what my husband doesn't give me. I wish I can have kids with him, Then when they grow up and he works too much and continues to not make me a priority I can divorce his ass and take half his assets and go marry for real love. I wish I can just use him for my pure benefit. I mean that's what he does right? That's what PA people do, except leave you completely f*cked up and emotionally damaged.


I see you..........clearly.

This is desperate and oh, so frustrated talk. You are at your wits end and are venting. You have no one else to lay your frustrations on.

You will not leave him because you are not a quitter. You cannot leave him because your word is your bond.

Your are pride bound and stubborn......to a fault. Why? Because it will not be appreciated or reciprocated by him.

You feel used.

You must bend...bend or snap in shards....like tempered glass.

You have fixed signs in you. Overcome this. You are your own worst enemy.

We all fail. We lose battles. See the big picture......Do not lose the war. 

Bend and move on. Lick your wounds and live another day.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

This thread confirms the problem is you. Good news you can fix that.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

Katiecrna, I'm assuming by the last 4 alphabet in your name that you are in a RN in a nurse anesthesia program and your supporting your husband who is a surgical resident. Let me know if I'm wrong as I'm also a RN with over 20 years in the nursing profession and I understand how demanding it is providing care. With his demanding schedule, it would seem that you are alone most of the time and the little amount of time he does have you want him to willingly spend them with you without you having to ask him to. It diminishes something to have to ask your partner, friend, lover, husband to realize your need in the relationship especially when I'm pretty sure that you have abreast him of those needs so you're assuming he's withholding affection for some PA need on his part. My husband is PA in the way he communicates in our marriage, also. I know how frustrating this is when it comes to a point where you feel like you're carrying the relationship alone and hoping he'll get a clue. From posting on TAM and getting feedback from my posts, it's becoming quite clear that my husband is not responsible for my own happiness. It sounds so cliche, but I'm the only one who can make myself happy. While I suspect that you are are giver, caretaker as most people are who goes into nursing but ultimately we forget to take care of ourselves. Be very careful about this unhappiness that you are venting about because if you don't take steps to fix this, it will start manifesting in other areas of your life. The universe will force you to admit your truth sometime in frightening ways.
My best advice is to find out how to own your happiness whatever form that will be and realize that you are the only one who can change your situation. It's important to vent so keep a journal for that if you don't want all the criticism from the TAM community, many of whom don't seems to realize that not everything posted is literal.

Sent from my SM-N910T using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

maritalloneliness said:


> Katiecrna, I'm assuming by the last 4 alphabet in your name that you are in a RN in a nurse anesthesia program and your supporting your husband who is a surgical resident. Let me know if I'm wrong as I'm also a RN with over 20 years in the nursing profession and I understand how demanding it is providing care. With his demanding schedule, it would seem that you are alone most of the time and the little amount of time he does have you want him to willingly spend them with you without you having to ask him to. It diminishes something to have to ask your partner, friend, lover, husband to realize your need in the relationship especially when I'm pretty sure that you have abreast him of those needs so you're assuming he's withholding affection for some PA need on his part. My husband is PA in the way he communicates in our marriage, also. I know how frustrating this is when it comes to a point where you feel like you're carrying the relationship alone and hoping he'll get a clue. From posting on TAM and getting feedback from my posts, it's becoming quite clear that my husband is not responsible for my own happiness. It sounds so cliche, but I'm the only one who can make myself happy. While I suspect that you are are giver, caretaker as most people are who goes into nursing but ultimately we forget to take care of ourselves. Be very careful about this unhappiness that you are venting about because if you don't take steps to fix this, it will start manifesting in other areas of your life. The universe will force you to admit your truth sometime in frightening ways.
> My best advice is to find out how to own your happiness whatever form that will be and realize that you are the only one who can change your situation. It's important to vent so keep a journal for that if you don't want all the criticism from the TAM community, many of whom don't seems to realize that not everything posted is literal.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910T using Tapatalk


I thought this also.

Many years ago, I had a Slovenian girlfriend who had this last name.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Katie, you are rabidly co-dependent on your husband. And why in the hell did you max out your student loan debt to pay for his fancy lifestyle? that was a huge mistake!

And I am in no way trying to rub salt in the wound. But I've wondered for quite a while if he is having an affair.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Hun. Based on what I have read, Dude is a narcissist.

He cant change. He has a medical condition.

Get your sh!t back together while you can and wear condoms and walk away...unless you want to be the drunk at the pity party


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

sokillme said:


> This thread confirms the problem is you. Good news you can fix that.




That was completely uncalled for.
This is a place for support, not blame. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

katiecrna said:


> "I work so hard. I'm so tired, I can't go on a date night with you" meanwhile he goes for a 10 mile run, comes back, drinks coffee and watches soccer all day.
> But it's not my fault. I just work so much that's why we don't have time to spend together. It's so frustrating. Meanwhile he doesn't take his vacation days.


step one:

get rid of the damn internet and TV!

he may be too stressed out and is dealing with it in ways that leave you feeling neglected, but its not like you are helpless in this.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Why on God's green earth would you want to have kids with a man that you so obviously despise? Why would you wish to knowingly subject an innocent child to that kind of a bifurcated life? Do you honestly believe that that's the kind of life that God seriously wants us to lead?

Divorce him, and then take the time to find some other man who will love you for who you truly are, whom you will love in the same respect, and have your children with him!

After all, that's what the meaning of a family unit is preeminently supposed to be about! Love, and not bitter resent or abject hatred!*


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Wait until he's through with his residency and then divorce him. No sense in you being stuck with his education costs. Having children with this man will just make you resent the children when he shows no interest in them and leaves all the work to you.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

katiecrna said:


> Because I love hanging out with him. I love being with him. I always tell him I want to live in a studio apartment so he is forced to be in the same room as me.
> 
> Now he is too Tired, never home and when he is home he is sleeping, or in the other room on the computer.
> 
> We use to always be with each other (when he was home). He would sit on the couch and I would lay in his lap and we would read. Every night I would take a bubble bath and he would come in and sit on the toilet (seat down), and put his feet in and we would just talk. Or he would join me in the tub. He would invite me to sit on his lap when he was on the computer. We were always very affectionate and happy. We didn't see each other often but we did it was great and we couldn't get enough of each other.


How long was your relationship like this.. they say in the 1st 18 months.. it's idealization, a couple caught up in the c0cktail of hormones can't tell the difference between Infatuation and lasting love, we have blinders on many times...we see what we want to see.. the negative/ flaws doesn't often register, or we make excuses....

What was happening when it started to go south....was it the Pressure/ busyness/ high stress of residency, that caused this change in him?? any signs of Passive aggressive before he went to Medical school ? or just that you wasn't picking up on those early in the relationship... with love being somewhat blind and all.. you said even then you didn't see him much.. so was it actually living together that you got to see that side of him ...that you are finding is too difficult to live with ...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

xMadame said:


> That was completely uncalled for.
> This is a place for support, not blame.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I gave her the best support possible. She needs to change her attitude and thought process or she is going to be disappointed. When someone is driving off a cliff, good advice is not "You poor thing", it's "Turn the wheel!"


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

I agree with you Katiecrna. Stay with him. He deserves you. Don't leave him and go on to f*ck up some other guy's life.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

sokillme said:


> I gave her the best support possible. She needs to change her attitude and thought process or she is going to be disappointed. When someone is driving off a cliff, good advice is not "You poor thing", it's "Turn the wheel!"




"This thread confirms the problem is you" is abusive and unsupportive.

Her choices are hers. She is asking for guidance.

Good advice does not include blame or criticism. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

xMadame said:


> sokillme said:
> 
> 
> > I gave her the best support possible. She needs to change her attitude and thought process or she is going to be disappointed. When someone is driving off a cliff, good advice is not "You poor thing", it's "Turn the wheel!"
> ...


If you read the opening post and then also her next one, you will see that she isn't asking the quidance. She is basically stating how she would like to use her husband.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Livvie said:


> If you read the opening post and then also her next one, you will see that she isn't asking the quidance. She is basically stating how she would like to use her husband.




No. she is in an abusive relationship and is venting.

She needs support...not criticism.

I have read all of her posts. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

xMadame said:


> No. she is in an abusive relationship and is venting.
> 
> She needs support...not criticism.
> 
> ...


I gave her support! The only way she can get better is to get out of an abusive relationship. The only one who can do that is her. That is the good news, she can change herself and stop accepting so little.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

SimplyAmorous said:


> How long was your relationship like this.. they say in the 1st 18 months.. it's idealization, a couple caught up in the c0cktail of hormones can't tell the difference between Infatuation and lasting love, we have blinders on many times...we see what we want to see.. the negative/ flaws doesn't often register, or we make excuses....
> 
> What was happening when it started to go south....was it the Pressure/ busyness/ high stress of residency, that caused this change in him?? any signs of Passive aggressive before he went to Medical school ? or just that you wasn't picking up on those early in the relationship... with love being somewhat blind and all.. you said even then you didn't see him much.. so was it actually living together that you got to see that side of him ...that you are finding is too difficult to live with ...




We dated for 7 years before marrying and it an amazing relationship. We have been married for 5 years, first 3 years amazing. Last 2 not so much. It's a combination of his residency, me going to school, us fighting more, poor communication skills, no time together. 
I didn't notice any PA behavior except I knew he hated conflict, he would lie to get out of conflict with his parents. And once we were married I realized we couldn't resolve any arguments. I ended up just letting things that "weren't important" go because there was no use in fighting over stupid stuff.
Then when "bigger" mistakes started to happen in the last 2 years which I've written about, those were things I couldn't let go. So we fought about the same thing over and over because they were never resolved.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

katiecrna said:


> Then he will win and I will lose. I will be alone, emotionally messed up, in my mid 30s without kids, and a ton if student loan debt. Which might I add my husband made me max out so he can continue his luxurious lifestyle as a resident living in a nice condo and driving a nice sports car that my loans paid for.
> 
> Then he gets to get out of residency after having a "sugar mama" support his lifestyle. Then he will be a surgeon making tons of money and he can pick any hot young girl he wants.
> 
> I don't think so


More "woe is me" bullsh!t. None of this is true or written in stone. You either grab hold of life and suck the marrow out of it, or you let life run you over. Make your choice, but if you choose to stay with him, then quit moaning about it and accept it as the lot you have chosen. 

You're not garnering any sympathy with this line of reasoning.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

xMadame said:


> No. she is in an abusive relationship and is venting.
> 
> She needs support...not criticism.
> 
> ...


She needs a swift kick in her ass, because mollycoddling isn't going to cut it with her.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Reads like the rantings of a crazy woman. 

I don't get the abuse part. I guess this is abusive, too? She isn't my wife, and we aren't intimate in any way, so at most, it's rude.

Who chose this married life? 

What does this abuse look like? He's working because he has to if he wants to meet his goal. All doctors work the way he is, for some time. You don't give him sex. He sleeps in another room. Likely because if he touches you he'll explode and you may well charge him with rape. 

Get some help, please! TAM can't help you more than to tell you to see a phd level psychologist! Make an appointment Monday and get talking this out. You need it or you will never find peace, katiecrna.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@katiecrna, I get you, I get the anger and resentment. I get the need to hurt, because you're hurting. 

When I was 30, I felt the same way about my ex. 

I'd chosen to make many sacrifices in my life for his benefit. I have him 13 years. I gave him my best childbearing years. He was an incredible emotional abuser hiding in sheep's clothing. Then he dropped the ultimate bomb on me and I exploded. 

I was angry, felt betrayed, I lost everything. That which I didn't lose I separated from willingly because it made the hurt less. I thought I was a good, kind person. I tried to be my whole life. I thought fat lot of good that did me. 

I learned through healing that the world doesn't owe me anything, but I owe it to myself to take the responsibility of improving the situation if it's intolerable. That is the crux of he harsh advice you're getting here : you have the power to change things. 

I remarried after healing, to a man much better for me, because I've changed. He never would have loved me if I'd kept hold of that toxic anger. 

I would have been fine staying alone forever. Sometimes I find myself mourning my past life, what I wasted, because really it was a life I enjoyed despite the bumps, but I quickly catch myself and realize my past life experience is what molded me, drives me now to make the BEST of the time I have left to me.

Work on your anger and your context. Always remember you have options.


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## Good Guy (Apr 26, 2016)

Satya said:


> @katiecrna, I get you, I get the anger and resentment. I get the need to hurt, because you're hurting.
> 
> When I was 30, I felt the same way about my ex.
> 
> ...


This , 1000% this.


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