# My husband told me that I'm not feminine and it really hurts



## Junipermom

So, I just joined this board so I can post this so bear with me if I am omitting important info or I am saying too much. My husband and I have been married for 18 years and have 2 great kids. We are both in our mid to late forties. A few weeks ago, we were having a nice conversation (I can't remember what it was about) and I made a comment, "I'm about as feminine as it gets". He immediately said, "No, you're not. You're actually pretty masculine". I asked for an example and, without pause, he replied that I walk like a man. I told him I didn't and he said that he will point it out next time. I then said that it was mean and asked him how else I was masculine. I know I had an angry look. He responded that he wasn't going to tell me and left the room. We haven't talked about it since.

Many years ago, when we were dating, he was suffering from impotence the first several times we tried intercourse. The first few times I told him no big deal but, about the fifth time in a row, I asked him, in a nice way, if there was something wrong he wanted to talk to me about. He told me that he was used to more attractive women than me. After that, he never had an impotence issue again but it was hard for me to swallow that I was so ugly that he couldn't perform and I thought how lucky I was to have a guy who wanted to be in a relationship despite my looks. After that, he told me that my arms and shoulders were ugly so I had to stop wearing sleeveless shirts and that I should do more to improve my skin (I admit that I suffered from acne and I still break out occasionally) and he made me get rid of some of my favorite clothes and told me other things I should do, etc. to improve my looks.

So, all these years, I accepted the fact that I wasn't attractive. No one had ever told me that before and in fact, I never seemed to have a problem attracting guys, even very cute ones. Despite the fact that I don't feel attractive, I have always had a very strong "feminine" identity; not "frou-frou" but just my definition of feminine and now to hear that he ripped that from my soul is really tough. It was the last sense or bit of "attractiveness" I had. I keep going over and over how I could possibly not be feminine - I wear dresses, skirts and long tunics with leggings as often as I wear jeans. My style is very vintage 60's (think Audrey Hepburn). I have blonde hair just past my shoulders, blue eyes and I am a size 6 with a very hourglass shape. I don't wear makeup but that's because he doesn't want me to. And, I don't think my personality or interests are particularly masculine other than the fact that I like to drink beer and listen to music that might be considered more "masculine" like glam rock and punk. I am not assertive at all (quite the opposite) and assertiveness is not necessarily a male only trait but I could see my husband thinking that.

I, embarrassingly, looked up how to be more feminine but the stuff made me want to puke - wear more perfume, makeup, be shy, talk in a quiet voice, be submissive, etc. YUK! I actually really like the way I put my self together but to hear that I am masculine is doubting myself.

I will eventually talk to him about it again but not even sure how I should approach my feeling so bad about myself. Or, maybe I shouldn't be so upset about this?

Thanks!

O.K., after seeing the replies, I am adding my reply below since it has alot of other info:
Oh, boy . . . thanks for all the replies. ugh . . . there is something that I should probably have put in on the original message but didn't because it's a bit scary for me. Several years ago, I had an "epiphany" - really, it hit me in a flash - that my husband was controlling. I was extremely sick for a few days (I lost 20 pounds in a really short time - I ended up being scary skinny). I had the two very young kids at that point and the whole thing scared me. I couldn't believe he did that to me and how I fell for it. It was not only the stuff I mentioned above but other things too like I had to stop being friends with a few people because he really hated/disliked them and he withheld sex from me as punishment at one point for several weeks (he felt I was not doing enough to get one of our daughters potty trained - she resisted and I didn't want to push it thinking it could cause damage). He also discourages me from talking to me about my problems by making faces/sighing/rolling eyes and telling me that I should get over it or it's not that a big deal or just saying he doesn't want to talk to me about it. Other things too. So, a few months after the epiphany, I approached him and confronted him and he told me that I was crazy, it's not a big deal, I was wrong, etc., etc. I told him I wanted to go to marriage counseling but he told me no since I was the one with the problem and not him. He also told me that if I tried to divorce him, he could get really mean and nasty (I believe that) and he would try to take the kids away from me. I started going to the counselor to deal with this - she did make me feel I could assert myself more - as a result, I now wear sleeveless shirts (eye roll, I know). It's been years since I went to the counselor. 

However, all these years, I still feel ugly about myself which is why I am so upset about him calling me masculine. I've tried really hard these past several years to resign myself to being o.k. in the marriage but I'm not happy, clearly. The last straws were the remark about me being not feminine and a couple of weeks ago when I went to him and told him I was very unhappy about something (nothing to do with him but it was very serious) and wanted to talk. I know how he gets so I even warned him to listen and don't make any comments until he heard some of what I was about to say. He was such a jerk that he started to say it's not important, eye rolling, etc.. I reiterated that it's important and for him to listen but he made comments again. I told him I didn't want to speak to him about it if he was going to be like that and left the room. I was crying for about 30 minutes before he came to me and asked me what the problem was. So, after the first sentence out of my mouth, he started up again. I pointed out what he was doing and then he stopped and listened properly and agreed it was a serious issue (my first job out of college I was sexually harassed by a really creepy superior but my supervisor didn't believe me - he was eventually fired because he was doing the same stuff to 7 other woman at work. never got an apology from my supervisor. just found out that the person who sexually harassed me when to jail for sexually molesting a minor). And about a week ago I was telling him something disturbing too and he told me I was being too emotional/wrong before I even started my second sentence. I stopped him and told him that he has a real issue with me talking to him about problems. He then listened to me and agreed that it was serious, etc. but told me that he doesn't have a problem talking to me but I have a problem communicating my ideas and start the conversation out wrong.

I guess, the past few days, I've been thinking that I am done with him. And, my biggest regret was that I didn't come to this conclusion when I had my epiphany. I think I am O.K. with being done but I know my family and they are going to tell me that I'm wrong (actually, that is the least of my concerns!).


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## MrsAldi

If you don't mind me saying, it's your husband that has a problem not you.
If my husband said those things to me?! Well he'd be my ex!  

Seriously though, you're a size 6 and he says you have hideous arms and shoulders? 
But he doesn't want you to wear makeup? 
I think he's the one with insecurity issues! 
And I think he's trying to take away your self-esteem. 

You're too nice for him, you deserve better.


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## Emerging Buddhist

I would say he is projecting his own insecurities... do not internalize them nor own them.

I have never once been out with my wife that I felt embarrassed of being with her or her physical characteristics.

Do what you want to feel attractive for yourself, I would not give another thought to staging oneself for an opinion of others, you don't need that approval. His sharing was hurtful, and his judgement may reflect something inside him, but surely not you.

Trying to change a spouse or their characteristics, unless harmful and detrimental such as abusive behavior, is not what a relationship is about... acceptance is.

He may have had a shallow moment... disappointing as it is, rise above it knowing the beauty of who you are.

Never allow anyone to change that path.


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## kettle

Tell him he needs to "man up" as my wife tells me. Although, that is probably the best response.


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## IamSomebody

How "masculine" is your husband?

His claim of always being with women more attractive than you sounds like total BS. If he is such a hot catch, why isn't he still with all these attractive women? I'll bet he was attracted to all these hot women but none of them would give him the time of day, whether for his physical appearance or, more likely, his crappy attitude and sh!tty personality. 

You sound quite fit, which is incredibly attractive. And after having two kids? I'd kill to be your size. He doesn't want you to wear make-up then turns around and tells you that you are not feminine"? He sounds like quite the prize (sarcasm). I don't know how he has been during your marriage, but I have a feeling a not so great husband.

Sounds like he tries to control your appearance so that other men don't hit on you. Stop letting him do that to you. If he tells you that you aren't feminine, ask him why did he marry you. Tell him where the door is located and don't let it hit him in the a$$ on the way out. If he thinks he is such a catch and can get a "really attractive" woman, go ahead and try. You will have men lining up to be with you as soon as they find out you aren't attached any more. If you want to wear sleeveless shirts and dresses, do it. A size 6 hardly has ugly arms. Even if you did, unless they bother *YOU*, it matters to no one. If you want to wear make-up, do it. You should be wearing SPF on your face anyway. Wear one that is a tinted moisturizer as well. That isn't fru fru but protecting your face and health. Tinted, moisturizing lip gloss with SPF will protect your lips (you'd be surprised how prevalent lip cancer is). Apply some mascara, preferably a conditioning one, and you are good to go. You are *NOT *heavily made up and have moisturized and protected your face.

You might want to consider a few sessions of IC to help build up your self esteem and see why you put up with this loser's crap. Just make sure it isn't one of those _happy-families-at-all-costs_ type. When he makes one of his nasty little comments, dish it back to him. See how well he takes it.

Accepting all his crap is showing your kids that is ok to accept all this verbal, mental and emotional abuse and that a man determines if a woman is "feminine" enough. You, and they, deserve better.

IamSomebody


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## EleGirl

Junipermom said:


> So, I just joined this board so I can post this so bear with me if I am omitting important info or I am saying too much. My husband and I have been married for 18 years and have 2 great kids. We are both in our mid to late forties. A few weeks ago, we were having a nice conversation (I can't remember what it was about) and I made a comment, "I'm about as feminine as it gets". He immediately said, "No, you're not. You're actually pretty masculine". I asked for an example and, without pause, he replied that I walk like a man. I told him I didn't and he said that he will point it out next time. I then said that it was mean and asked him how else I was masculine. I know I had an angry look. He responded that he wasn't going to tell me and left the room. We haven't talked about it since.
> 
> Many years ago, when we were dating, he was suffering from impotence the first several times we tried intercourse. The first few times I told him no big deal but, about the fifth time in a row, I asked him, in a nice way, if there was something wrong he wanted to talk to me about. He told me that he was used to more attractive women than me. After that, he never had an impotence issue again but it was hard for me to swallow that I was so ugly that he couldn't perform and I thought how lucky I was to have a guy who wanted to be in a relationship despite my looks. After that, he told me that my arms and shoulders were ugly so I had to stop wearing sleeveless shirts and that I should do more to improve my skin (I admit that I suffered from acne and I still break out occasionally) and he made me get rid of some of my favorite clothes and told me other things I should do, etc. to improve my looks.
> 
> So, all these years, I accepted the fact that I wasn't attractive. No one had ever told me that before and in fact, I never seemed to have a problem attracting guys, even very cute ones. Despite the fact that I don't feel attractive, I have always had a very strong "feminine" identity; not "frou-frou" but just my definition of feminine and now to hear that he ripped that from my soul is really tough. It was the last sense or bit of "attractiveness" I had. I keep going over and over how I could possibly not be feminine - I wear dresses, skirts and long tunics with leggings as often as I wear jeans. My style is very vintage 60's (think Audrey Hepburn). I have blonde hair just past my shoulders, blue eyes and I am a size 6 with a very hourglass shape. I don't wear makeup but that's because he doesn't want me to. And, I don't think my personality or interests are particularly masculine other than the fact that I like to drink beer and listen to music that might be considered more "masculine" like glam rock and punk. I am not assertive at all (quite the opposite) and assertiveness is not necessarily a male only trait but I could see my husband thinking that.
> 
> I, embarrassingly, looked up how to be more feminine but the stuff made me want to puke - wear more perfume, makeup, be shy, talk in a quiet voice, be submissive, etc. YUK! I actually really like the way I put my self together but to hear that I am masculine is doubting myself.
> 
> I will eventually talk to him about it again but not even sure how I should approach my feeling so bad about myself. Or, maybe I shouldn't be so upset about this?
> 
> Thanks!


This is all more about problems between your husband's ears that any problem that you have.


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## EleGirl

I wish we could see a picture of you. From what you describe you are plenty feminine. 

A woman who is size 6 and in good health is usually attractive at the very least. Women are by nature famine.

Does your husband put you down in other ways about other things?

It sounds like you are lacking in confidence so he picks on this part of you because he knows it will hurt you and your will internalize his words. He seems to have a mean streak. I just wonder how else he shows that mean streak.

How is your self life?

So how “masculine” is your husband? Is he slim? Does he work out and is he buff? Or does him have a dad bod? Or is he over weight?


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## *Deidre*

He sounds emotionally abusive and controlling, tbh.


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## Junipermom

Oh, boy . . . thanks for all the replies. ugh . . . there is something that I should probably have put in on the original message but didn't because it's a bit scary for me. Several years ago, I had an "epiphany" - really, it hit me in a flash - that my husband was controlling. I was extremely sick for a few days (I lost 20 pounds in a really short time - I ended up being scary skinny). I had the two very young kids at that point and the whole thing scared me. I couldn't believe he did that to me and how I fell for it. It was not only the stuff I mentioned above but other things too like I had to stop being friends with a few people because he really hated/disliked them and he withheld sex from me as punishment at one point for several weeks (he felt I was not doing enough to get one of our daughters potty trained - she resisted and I didn't want to push it thinking it could cause damage). He also discourages me from talking to me about my problems by making faces/sighing/rolling eyes and telling me that I should get over it or it's not that a big deal or just saying he doesn't want to talk to me about it. Other things too. So, a few months after the epiphany, I approached him and confronted him and he told me that I was crazy, it's not a big deal, I was wrong, etc., etc. I told him I wanted to go to marriage counseling but he told me no since I was the one with the problem and not him. He also told me that if I tried to divorce him, he could get really mean and nasty (I believe that) and he would try to take the kids away from me. I started going to the counselor to deal with this - she did make me feel I could assert myself more - as a result, I now wear sleeveless shirts (eye roll, I know). It's been years since I went to the counselor. 

However, all these years, I still feel ugly about myself which is why I am so upset about him calling me masculine. I've tried really hard these past several years to resign myself to being o.k. in the marriage but I'm not happy, clearly. The last straws were the remark about me being not feminine and a couple of weeks ago when I went to him and told him I was very unhappy about something (nothing to do with him but it was very serious) and wanted to talk. I know how he gets so I even warned him to listen and don't make any comments until he heard some of what I was about to say. He was such a jerk that he started to say it's not important, eye rolling, etc.. I reiterated that it's important and for him to listen but he made comments again. I told him I didn't want to speak to him about it if he was going to be like that and left the room. I was crying for about 30 minutes before he came to me and asked me what the problem was. So, after the first sentence out of my mouth, he started up again. I pointed out what he was doing and then he stopped and listened properly and agreed it was a serious issue (my first job out of college I was sexually harassed by a really creepy superior but my supervisor didn't believe me - he was eventually fired because he was doing the same stuff to 7 other woman at work. never got an apology from my supervisor. just found out that the person who sexually harassed me when to jail for sexually molesting a minor). And about a week ago I was telling him something disturbing too and he told me I was being too emotional/wrong before I even started my second sentence. I stopped him and told him that he has a real issue with me talking to him about problems. He then listened to me and agreed that it was serious, etc. but told me that he doesn't have a problem talking to me but I have a problem communicating my ideas and start the conversation out wrong.

I guess, the past few days, I've been thinking that I am done with him. And, my biggest regret was that I didn't come to this conclusion when I had my epiphany. I think I am O.K. with being done but I know my family and they are going to tell me that I'm wrong (actually, that is the least of my concerns!).


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## *Deidre*

Junipermom said:


> Oh, boy . . . thanks for all the replies. ugh . . . there is something that I should probably have put in on the original message but didn't because it's a bit scary for me. Several years ago, I had an "epiphany" - really, it hit me in a flash - that my husband was controlling. I was extremely sick for a few days (I lost 20 pounds in a really short time - I ended up being scary skinny). I had the two very young kids at that point and the whole thing scared me. I couldn't believe he did that to me and how I fell for it. It was not only the stuff I mentioned above but other things too like I had to stop being friends with a few people because he really hated/disliked them and he withheld sex from me as punishment at one point for several weeks (he felt I was not doing enough to get one of our daughters potty trained - she resisted and I didn't want to push it thinking it could cause damage). He also discourages me from talking to me about my problems by making faces/sighing/rolling eyes and telling me that I should get over it or it's not that a big deal or just saying he doesn't want to talk to me about it. Other things too. So, a few months after the epiphany, I approached him and confronted him and he told me that I was crazy, it's not a big deal, I was wrong, etc., etc. I told him I wanted to go to marriage counseling but he told me no since I was the one with the problem and not him. He also told me that if I tried to divorce him, he could get really mean and nasty (I believe that) and he would try to take the kids away from me. I started going to the counselor to deal with this - she did make me feel I could assert myself more - as a result, I now wear sleeveless shirts (eye roll, I know). It's been years since I went to the counselor.
> 
> However, all these years, I still feel ugly about myself which is why I am so upset about him calling me masculine. I've tried really hard these past several years to resign myself to being o.k. in the marriage but I'm not happy, clearly. The last straws were the remark about me being not feminine and a couple of weeks ago when I went to him and told him I was very unhappy about something (nothing to do with him but it was very serious) and wanted to talk. I know how he gets so I even warned him to listen and don't make any comments until he heard some of what I was about to say. He was such a jerk that he started to say it's not important, eye rolling, etc.. I reiterated that it's important and for him to listen but he made comments again. I told him I didn't want to speak to him about it if he was going to be like that and left the room. I was crying for about 30 minutes before he came to me and asked me what the problem was. So, after the first sentence out of my mouth, he started up again. I pointed out what he was doing and then he stopped and listened properly and agreed it was a serious issue (my first job out of college I was sexually harassed by a really creepy superior but my supervisor didn't believe me - he was eventually fired because he was doing the same stuff to 7 other woman at work. never got an apology from my supervisor. just found out that the person who sexually harassed me when to jail for sexually molesting a minor). And about a week ago I was telling him something disturbing too and he told me I was being too emotional/wrong before I even started my second sentence. I stopped him and told him that he has a real issue with me talking to him about problems. He then listened to me and agreed that it was serious, etc. but told me that he doesn't have a problem talking to me but I have a problem communicating my ideas and start the conversation out wrong.
> 
> I guess, the past few days, I've been thinking that I am done with him. And, my biggest regret was that I didn't come to this conclusion when I had my epiphany. I think I am O.K. with being done but I know my family and they are going to tell me that I'm wrong (actually, that is the least of my concerns!).


It's never too late to leave the wrong guy. 

He is controlling and emotionally abusive. (and sounds like a narcissist, look up narcissistic personality disorder)


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## MattMatt

@Junipermom You are a feminine and rather womanly woman.

Now, having got that established, we need to sort out the problem with your husband.

You probably walk with a purposeful stride, which might intimidate your husband if he is nervous of strong women.

But let's employ a little bit of psychic judo on your husband.

Watch him walk and then say: "I have realised what the problem is. It's not that I walk like a man, it's that you walk like me. In fact, you walk like a woman."

Whenever you think of your husband's cruel, crass -and untrue!- remark please remember that the following image is how I will always imagine your husband looking. (It's from an insurance comparison website's advert which is on TV in the UK)


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## MrsAldi

@MattMatt  that advert was brilliant! Can we post YouTube link? 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt

MrsAldi said:


> @MattMatt  that advert was brilliant! Can we post YouTube link?
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


I think so. If you want to, just go for it!


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## TheTruthHurts

Well my answer is a bit different, but I agree with everyone else about the fact that this is your H's issue.

But you do sound like your confidence is shattered from years without positive feedback.

I think it's ok to assess your self image and always strive to improve it. As we age and are out of the competitive dating scene we do tend to lose out mate-attracting qualities to a certain degree.

I'd encourage you to think about things you might enjoy that you don't take time for now - and if they're considered "feminine" qualities well that's fine but not the main issue.

Look for different sources that describe femininity - I don't believe my definition includes many of the things you cited. So I think if you look around more you might find some ideas you find appealing and then you can try them out.

Women have it better and worse than men attracting the opposite sex - on the one hand, you have so many clothing, makeup, jewelry, accessory, shoe, etc options to create a new look that can make you feel refreshed. On the bad side, all of this has also created an atmosphere where women are judged on superficial aspects, which is a bit of a downer. 

So embrace this as a chance to see what you haven't done for yourself that might help with your self image.

And lose the loser 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl

MattMatt said:


>


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3cr15dPmZs

Sorry, I had to post that link. This guy is a scream!


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## EleGirl

Junipermom,

You say that you are ready to end your marriage.

What are you doing to get ready for this?

It is very doubtful that he can take your children away from you. That's a threat that a lot of abusive men use.


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## Junipermom

EleGirl, I meant ready in terms of moving on. Several years ago, I wasn't psychologically ready. I think I am now. Other than that, I am not ready at all; it's only recently I've been thinking in terms of this. But, I want to be prepared and informed.

I don't see how a judge could take the kids away from me - when he said that to me years ago, he definitely said that to scare me which he succeeded at.

Thanks!


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## Legend

Putting aside the fact that your husband sounds like a douche, I would ask other men their objective opinion about your attractiveness / femininity. I find women with great qualities and a kind demeanor to be the most attractive.


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## scatty

The title of your thread got my attention, because I am not very feminine at all. Although you sound all gal to me! It seems like your man feeds on this insecurity (and many others, as well!) When I met my hubby, I wore flannel, workboots and he still thought I was all woman to him! You deserve to be valued as a wife, and your husband sounds like a tool. Probably projecting his own insecurities on you. Would you ever tell him he isn't masculine enough? Well, he isn't. Because a masculine man builds you up rather than tear you down. Good luck on leaving, have a strong support system in place. You can do it!!!!


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## EleGirl

Junipermom said:


> EleGirl, I meant ready in terms of moving on. Several years ago, I wasn't psychologically ready. I think I am now. Other than that, I am not ready at all; it's only recently I've been thinking in terms of this. But, I want to be prepared and informed.
> 
> I don't see how a judge could take the kids away from me - when he said that to me years ago, he definitely said that to scare me which he succeeded at.
> 
> Thanks!


It seems that you would benefit from making a plan, a written list/plan of the things you need to accomplish to leave.

Just to clarify, you don't have any children?

So what are the things that you would put in that list/plan?

I think that #1 is what are you doing for yourself? What can you do to make yourself emotionally stronger? Do you work out? Do you have friends and family that you do things with? Maybe get into counseling again.

So what' else do you see on this plan?


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## FizzBomb

With all due respect Junipermom, your husband is an unmitigated jackass - and that is being kind.

His cruel words and actions towards you says everything about him and absolutely nothing about you.

I see above that you are ready to move on from this man. I am glad to hear this.


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## turnera

I have an assignment for you. Get this book from the library or book store and read it. ASAP. It will give you some valuable information on your situation.

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft, Paperback | Barnes & Noble®


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## Blondilocks

"I will eventually talk to him about it again but not even sure how I should approach my feeling so bad about myself."

You don't approach the conversation as feeling bad about yourself. You approach the conversation as being fed up with being married to a mean-spirited control freak and you are filing for divorce. He can be hateful to his next victim.

Go out and buy some foundation, concealer, brow powder, eyeliner, eye shadow, mascara, blush, lip liner and at least two shades of lipstick. Do something a little different with your hair and buy a skirt at least a couple inches above your knees and some kick-ass high heels. Then you sit him down and have your convo. He might run to the other room as seems to be his modus operandi when the going gets tough. That's ok - just yell that you'll add coward to the list.

Whew - he really ticked me off!


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## Emerging Buddhist

Blondilocks said:


> "I will eventually talk to him about it again but not even sure how I should approach my feeling so bad about myself."
> 
> You don't approach the conversation as feeling bad about yourself. You approach the conversation as being fed up with being married to a mean-spirited control freak and you are filing for divorce. He can be hateful to his next victim.
> 
> Go out and buy some foundation, concealer, brow powder, eyeliner, eye shadow, mascara, blush, lip liner and at least two shades of lipstick. Do something a little different with your hair and buy a skirt at least a couple inches above your knees and some kick-ass high heels. Then you sit him down and have your convo. He might run to the other room as seems to be his modus operandi when the going gets tough. That's ok - just yell that you'll add coward to the list.
> 
> Whew - he really ticked me off!


Really? 

You hid it well... >


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## Catherine602

Your husband is an emotional abuser. Do a little leg work so that you know how well he fits the pattern. Knowledge is power and learning what you have been dealing with will be your 2nd epiphany. Get your ducks in a row and see a lawyer to see where you stand. 

Since he threatened you before, I would not tell him about the D until you are ready to file. You might consider not staying in the house with him if there are no children involved. Get all financial information, deeds, bank and tax records secured. 

I am assuming that your husband is a very good looking and masculine man. Nice guns, 6 pack, tall, weight appropriate, good provider, leader among men and an excellent lover. He would have to be if you have never helped him see his faults as assiduously as he has helped you. 

I'm not a fan of the "leave the bum" fix but I think in your case it's appropriate to dump this ball and chain. Work on your self-esteem, then date and pick a compatible man. In 12 - 18 months, you will be with a man who appreciates who and what you are and you him. You'll wonder what took you so long.


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## uhtred

He is obnoxious and its good that you are considering leaving. 

I don't know what you look like, or how you act, but don't try to be something you are not. If you are not traditionally feminine - lacy skirts, perfume, makeup, etc, that's fine. Many men (including myself) don't actually like very feminine women. I"d much prefer a woman who is "rugged" enough to enjoy fun and adventure. Other men prefer different things. 

Don't try to change yourself for someone else, find someone who appreciates you for what you are.


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## 3Xnocharm

scatty said:


> *The title of your thread got my attention, because I am not very feminine at all.* Although you sound all gal to me! It seems like your man feeds on this insecurity (and many others, as well!) When I met my hubby, I wore flannel, workboots and he still thought I was all woman to him! You deserve to be valued as a wife, and your husband sounds like a tool. Probably projecting his own insecurities on you. Would you ever tell him he isn't masculine enough? Well, he isn't. Because a masculine man builds you up rather than tear you down. Good luck on leaving, have a strong support system in place. You can do it!!!!


Same here! But instead the thread was about your H being a controlling jackass! Absolutely you should leave him! And don't ever again stay with any man who says you are unattractive! 

Your H is a controlling abuser. How many of this list can you check off?

Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse (Site)!


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## TheTruthHurts

3Xnocharm said:


> Same here! But instead the thread was about your H being a controlling jackass! Absolutely you should leave him! And don't ever again stay with any man who says you are unattractive!
> 
> 
> 
> Your H is a controlling abuser. How many of this list can you check off?
> 
> 
> 
> Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse (Site)!




That's an interesting list and I agree with it in general. However it does give me pause, because a codependent spouse with low self esteem - particularly from a family with substance abuse - could cite many of these things even if their partner were completely supportive.

The issue with feeling unsafe to express yourself, I find particularly difficult. Many codependent people feel this way because they are afraid of their partners response or feel their partner won't accept them. In fact, in a healthy relationship, it's ok to disagree and expecting your partner to like and embrace your viewpoint (therefore making you feel safe) is actually the controlling behavior.

I only say this because this issue comes up time and again where BS question themselves because WS often have something broken inside themselves and lash out and blame the BS with similar complaints.

But to be clear - this does NOT appear to be the case here and OP is being subject to verbal abuse IMO. So OP this list was meant for you to really see your H and realize his approach to you and comments are NOT acceptable.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## jorgegene

"He told me that he was used to more attractive women than me"

My ex. grew up with a father that told her she was ugly and that a man would never want her.

she married an abusive, super controlling jerk who would demean her, have a playboy magazine on the table next to 
the bed while having sex, just to prove his point. she was convinced that she was ugly and was badly scared by all of this.

let me tell you something with the most emphatic tone I can muster: she was absolutely beautiful. gorgeous. 
and almost anyone would agree with me.
if i showed you a picture of her, you would be stunned.

no matter how many times I would tell her she was beautiful, i could not convince her. 
I simply couldn't undo some 40+ years of put down in a the few years we were together.

don't believe this guy. don't believe him for one minute.


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## arbitrator

*No self-confident, masculine man would ever convey remarks like that to his wife! Period!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bobby5000

I think everyone on this message board is furious at him and we were not the victims of such horrible attacks. You certainly would have the right to start calling him limpdic and tell him he is a poor lover or whatever is appropriate. Get rid of the bum.


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