# Separated, divorce likely in spring 2022



## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

My DDay1, discovering my STBXWW's asymmetric emotional affair/crush/limmerance with OM was about 3-1/2 years ago. DDay2, coming to the realization that my marriage was a mixed-orientation one as my STBXWW is "ace," was about 2-1/2 years ago. It's been a tough several years.

Neither of us seeing any acceptable resolution to our issues, we decided to separate about two months ago, after 32 years living together, 28 married -- I started looking for a new place to live back in my home state right away and am under contract to buy an historic old house, closing mid-January. I have been staying nearby with my Dad in the interim, with a couple trips back to STBXWW's place to take care of business (we were "partners" in two businesses, as well as in life).

Fortunately our son is now an independent self-supporting adult, and he seems to be OK with our separating.

While the division of assets should be pretty straightforward, both STBXWW and I have each retained attorneys to help us mediate the process. We're waiting to close the books on 2021 to know better where we stand on the businesses before proceeding -- and I'm waiting on STBXWW to make decisions on certain options before us (her), too.

I can't wait to get in to my "new" house, so I can move my tools and other belongings out of STBXWW's place, set up shop and get to work on fixing the place up (it needs it!). To facilitate the moving and hauling of materials I'll need once I start fixing my place up, I just traded my VW in on a "new" pickup truck (my Christmas present to myself).

I love that woman very much but the fundamental incompatibility between us has haunted our marriage for decades. Her infidelity and betrayal (lying about, hiding, and covering up of her affair) certainly didn't help. I know I am not innocent in all of this, there are things I could have done differently, and maybe I should have left a lot earlier. But there is no going back....

So I am looking forward to the future, starting my life over from scratch as it were at the age of 59, full of possibilities!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm sorry that it's come to this, but you have a great attitude.

Your ability to see this through a clear head and reflect will serve you well. Even when you're dealing with a cheat reflection is important to maximize your chances of success going forward.

Basic incompatibility is tough to accept. My ex and I were incomparable but I put up with a lot while I thought he was trustworthy. Once I found out he'd kept an ex gf behind my back our entire relationship I was done.

In that sense finding out about his cheating kind of did me a favor. It was ****ty but I also think it was the catalyst I needed to leave, and I'm much happier now. Of course I speak only for me....others see these things differently.

You still have plenty of life, abd there are lots of 50 something year old single women who would love to make your acquaintance. Take good care of yourself and you'll be fine!


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## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

Thanks @lifeistooshort , Certainly I went through a lot of grieving in the months leading up to the decision, and I know there will likely be some hard days ahead; and we do still have a lot of things to resolve in the divorce.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

TurnedTurtle said:


> My DDay1, discovering my STBXWW's asymmetric emotional affair/crush/limmerance with OM was about 3-1/2 years ago. DDay2, coming to the realization that my marriage was a mixed-orientation one as my STBXWW is "ace," was about 2-1/2 years ago. It's been a tough several years.
> 
> Neither of us seeing any acceptable resolution to our issues, we decided to separate about two months ago, after 32 years living together, 28 married -- I started looking for a new place to live back in my home state right away and am under contract to buy an historic old house, closing mid-January. I have been staying nearby with my Dad in the interim, with a couple trips back to STBXWW's place to take care of business (we were "partners" in two businesses, as well as in life).
> 
> ...


If you dont mind me asking what exactly you mean by fundamental incompatibility


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## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

in this case, fundamental incompatibility = different sexual orientations

I'm heterosexual, she's hetero but not sexual, in other words the "A" in LGBTQIA+


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TurnedTurtle said:


> in this case, fundamental incompatibility = different sexual orientations
> 
> I'm heterosexual, she's hetero but not sexual, in other words the "A" in LGBTQIA+


So in other words she is asexual, no interest in sex at all, correct? I'm not sure how that fits with her having had an affair though.


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## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

Her affair was an emotional affair, not a physical one.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Now asexual is also a protected class? When a movement starts doing damage to its own credibility...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

OnTheRocks said:


> Now asexual is also a protected class? When a movement starts doing damage to its own credibility...


I can't keep up with it can you?


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## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

OnTheRocks said:


> Now asexual is also a protected class?


What are you talking about? And how is it relevant to the topic at hand (going through divorce)?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TurnedTurtle said:


> Her affair was an emotional affair, not a physical one.


I wish you luck in the future. You are scarce on details, but it sounds like it may be long overdue. You said her EA was asymmetric. Are you trying to say it was one sided, as in she had feelings for the person, but they were unrequited? This is a dynamic I've never seen on here before, at least not put the way you have here. She had a one sided EA, but is asexual and you have an adult child. Has sex always been scarce in your marriage or did this develop more recently, like when she had the EA?


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## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

Sorry for the scarcity of details, BDNY -- the affair was discussed in detail at the time of my discovery, on another site. Asymmetric means that I don't think the OM was into her as much as she apparently was into him. I did talk to the OM's wife shortly after I found out about what was going on, to get her perspective -- she did think that maybe they were too close in the first year they worked together, but she had no such concerns in the subsequent year (and BTW, they have continued to work together since; somehow STBXWW was able to break the limmerance spell she was under, and re-think her relationship to the OM).

Our sex-starved or sexless marriage has been a thing for about 20 years...but I did not know about or understand "asexuality" until after we (I) tried to re-introduce sex to our marriage as part of our attempt at reconciliation from her affair.

FWIW, I am not sure that I am asking for any particular advice, certainly not about trying to reconcile or "fix things" -- those bridges have collapsed; so there is no going back, only forward. Rather, I guess maybe I am just trying to share my experience of "Going through divorce or separation."


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

Is she now involved with anyone else? How are you sure about the asexuality (not that it matters too much if you are getting a divorce)?


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

I have a hard time believing that fundamental asexuality actually exists. I think it's often an excuse used by people who have become asexual towards their partner, or just a lack of options. Just about everyone wants to get their rocks off, somehow, with another person or just by themselves. It's an instinctual human drive.


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## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

OnTheRocks said:


> Just about everyone...


Ah, see what you did there? You left an opening for those few people who_ don't_ "want to get their rocks off." I totally agree that sexual desire is an instinctual human drive for almost everyone, but I know from personal experience that there is at least one person who just doesn't have it; and from my interactions with some other people, there must be other asexuals out there as well. Not a lot, but not zero either.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

TurnedTurtle said:


> in this case, fundamental incompatibility = different sexual orientations
> 
> I'm heterosexual, she's hetero but not sexual, in other words the "A" in LGBTQIA+


The length of the abbreviation keeps growing. What does the A stand for?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TurnedTurtle said:


> Sorry for the scarcity of details, BDNY -- the affair was discussed in detail at the time of my discovery, on another site. Asymmetric means that I don't think the OM was into her as much as she apparently was into him. I did talk to the OM's wife shortly after I found out about what was going on, to get her perspective -- she did think that maybe they were too close in the first year they worked together, but she had no such concerns in the subsequent year (and BTW, they have continued to work together since; somehow STBXWW was able to break the limmerance spell she was under, and re-think her relationship to the OM).
> 
> Our sex-starved or sexless marriage has been a thing for about 20 years...but I did not know about or understand "asexuality" until after we (I) tried to re-introduce sex to our marriage as part of our attempt at reconciliation from her affair.
> 
> FWIW, I am not sure that I am asking for any particular advice, certainly not about trying to reconcile or "fix things" -- those bridges have collapsed; so there is no going back, only forward. Rather, I guess maybe I am just trying to share my experience of "Going through divorce or separation."


Understood that you are just sharing and not asking for advice. To that end, I'm just trying to understand the situation better, others probably are too. 

I notice you keep using the term limerence. Again, very unusual to have that level of infatuation, but no sexual desire. Do you know if that is what was happening with her, as in she had no sexual attraction to the OM? I'm sure you know that most everyone's reaction to this kind of situation is to assume she is sexual, just not sexually attracted to you. Was the sex "normal" in you marriage prior to the EA 3.5 years ago or do you now suspect she has always been asexual? I'm just trying to understand if she has always been this way or if something triggered this in her at the time of the EA. Maybe him not showing the same level of interest in returned did something to her.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

farsidejunky said:


> The length of the abbreviation keeps growing. What does the A stand for?
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


I've seen it as asexual, but also agender as well as allies. It is getting a little silly with the continuous addition of letters. It may as well just called those that aren't "normal". I really don't get our unrelenting need to label everything.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

A true asexual person is borne. When puberty arises they do not develop hormonally in order to have the sex drive. In these cases, they are never interested in sex, and most will never have sex.

If your marriage was sexual at the beginning and over time disappeared, then she's not asexual, she just lost it for you. But most certainly she could get sexual again for someone else.

And yes, asexuality comes in degrees. Some are more asexual than others.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> A true asexual person is borne. When puberty arises they do not develop hormonally in order to have the sex drive. In these cases, they are never interested in sex, and most will never have sex.
> 
> If your marriage was sexual at the beginning and over time disappeared, then she's not asexual, she just lost it for you. But most certainly she could get sexual again for someone else.
> 
> And yes, asexuality comes in degrees. Some are more asexual than others.


Do you think it is possible that an asexual person could live a "normal" life to hide they are asexual? Similar to a gay man marrying a woman trying to fit in.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

TurnedTurtle said:


> Ah, see what you did there? You left an opening for those few people who_ don't_ "want to get their rocks off." I totally agree that sexual desire is an instinctual human drive for almost everyone, but I know from personal experience that there is at least one person who just doesn't have it; and from my interactions with some other people, there must be other asexuals out there as well. Not a lot, but not zero either.


Agreed, the number is not zero, but it is VERY small. I am basically saying the same thing as Rob_1; if she was sexual with you at some normal level and then stopped, she's definitely not asexual. Just asexual with you.


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## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

I don't think my wife ever had real sexual attraction to me, or anyone else as far as I know.

I think a lot of asexual people don't realize that they are asexual until they've had some sexual experience. They may be curious about sex, and may mistake romantic feelings for sexual ones, because there is so much cultural programming around sex. They may engage in sex initially because of their curiosity, because they believe it is expected of them, because they know that their partner seems to like it, etc... Asexual people don't know what they don't know...

In our discussions since her affair, my wife has said that she doesn't experience much sensation "down there," that she tried masturbating once or twice but just didn't see the point of it, that early on she would engage in sex because she knew boys wanted it, that there aren't any celebrities that she thinks are "hot," etc... But she has also described her sexuality as tied to strong emotional connection, which would be considered demi-sexual (which I think of as a part of the asexual "spectrum"), but I'm not necessarily sure she's talking about actual desire for sex so much as just willingness to engage in sex if initiated by her partner.

Reflecting back on our full history together, I was always the initiator, she was basically "starfishing." If I said anything about how great the sex was for me and asked her how it was for her, she would just shrug her shoulders. She never gave me any feedback on what she liked or what turned her on -- only on what positions were less uncomfortable... Sex was largely just a transactional thing for her. The only time she really showed any interest in having sex was when we were actively trying to get pregnant.

As I said in my OP, I was naive and inexperienced -- she was my first, and so far only, sexual partner. Looking back now, with the benefit of hindsight, I can see all the red flags. But I couldn't see them then. At some point, she would just freeze when I tried to initiate any sexual contact. I felt soooo rejected. It really sucked. When Michelle Weiner Davis's book, The Sex-Starved Marriage, came out in 2003 I acquired a copy. After reading the first chapter, I asked my W if she would read the book with me, and we could talk about it... She wouldn't -- couldn't...

She kept track of her menstrual cycle with cryptic symbols on our family calendar. When I picked up on that, I would try to take advantage of it (i.e., time my attempts at initiation to match when her hormones might be optimal). If I remembered, got the timing right, everything else was going well that day or that week, and the moon was in the right phase (or whatever other random factor might at play) -- maybe, just maybe, I _might_ get lucky.

All of the above is why I have recently come to understand my wife best as Asexual.

I hung in there despite it all. We had a son, life was otherwise good. I could take care of my needs, to some extent, by myself. But without that physical connection between us, the emotional connection also deteriorated -- that positive feedback loop going in a negative direction as I mentioned in my OP.

In this environment, to use an analogy, there were a couple times when I stood at the top of a closed ski trail (another woman) and contemplated ducking the rope to ski down the fresh snow (have an affair), but each time I realized that the closed trail would take me down the far side of the mountain away from where my car was parked (my family), so I didn't duck the rope and stayed on the groomed trail. My W, though, ducked the rope (in search of that emotional connect vs. a physical one) ...

But now our son is an adult and the other things holding us together have "dried up." So here I am, now separated from my wife, headed for divorce, with no road back, looking at starting the last third of my life over, more or less from scratch...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

My cousin who has passed on was asexual.....at least I think so. He never married, never had any gf's that anyone knew of. My dad told me that they'd run together on the beach with bikini clad women everywhere and while he couldn't stop looking it was like my cousin never noticed anyone.

His brothers asked if he waa gay and he said no. He and I were close in the last few years of his life and I truly believe he was asexual. 

I'll admit that I have a hard time understanding how one who is asexual carries on an emotional affair to the point of limerence. My cousin certainly wasn't capable of that.

Was he born that way? Hard to say, but I do know that his parents, my aunt and uncle, had a very toxic marriage and he as the oldest saw a lot more then his brothers.

Great guy....I really miss him.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Do you think it is possible that an asexual person could live a "normal" life to hide they are asexual? Similar to a gay man marrying a woman trying to fit in.


Asexuality is an spectrum, so yes, depending on the level of that spectrum asexual people can and do have sex and/or mastubate and have a libido. It all depends where in the spectrum the person is.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TurnedTurtle said:


> I don't think my wife ever had real sexual attraction to me, or anyone else as far as I know.
> 
> I think a lot of asexual people don't realize that they are asexual until they've had some sexual experience. They may be curious about sex, and may mistake romantic feelings for sexual ones, because there is so much cultural programming around sex. They may engage in sex initially because of their curiosity, because they believe it is expected of them, because they know that their partner seems to like it, etc... Asexual people don't know what they don't know...
> 
> ...


Quite the story. You seem to have a very healthy and even keeled mentality about the situation. You are a good man for staying true to you vows/marriage in spite of everything. You still have a lot of life ahead of you. I suspect you will come out of this in good shape.


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## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You seem to have a very healthy and even keeled mentality about the situation.


That's just a front, inside I'm a mess...


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

Although there certainly are asexuals, it seems pretty rare. Form what I've seen, most "asexual wives" are simply wives that don't want to have sex with their husbands (but are still sexual).


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Just wishing you well. It’s a real shame you married a woman whom you never had a great romantic/sexual relationship at least to start with. I personally couldn’t do that. You seem extraordinarily self disciplined—celibate until marriage?? I suspect you may find that getting divorced and being with a woman that actually has some passion for you will be very refreshing. 
Good luck. And yes, you should have left that marriage along time ago.


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

TurnedTurtle said:


> But now our son is an adult and the other things holding us together have "dried up." So here I am, now separated from my wife, headed for divorce, with no road back, looking at starting the last third of my life over, more or less from scratch...


Best of luck with your new start. Hope your relationship with your son is good and maybe he can help?

I am going to have to restart from scratch as well at the age of 47, with no family or friend to help in the country (I am immigrant from India). My children are not close to me and I don't think will help -- so, I am going to be truly alone, but have to somehow get going. The positive is that I have a good job and hopefully I don't screw up at my job.


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## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

Today marks 100 days since stbx asked for a separation, and 28 days since closing on the purchase of my "new" house. I'm still moving stuff and getting set up, which will be an ongoing project for a while yet (the house needs a lot of work!). My friends and family remain supportive, our connections perhaps deeper than ever, and I've started a new job/business venture... Still there are times I feel like this was all the biggest mistake of my life, yet I know there is no going back (it would never be any better than it was with stbx). There is only continuing to go forward.


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