# Is He On the Verge?



## Azya (Jul 10, 2012)

My first post so hoping this is the right section for posting. I am afraid it's longer than I intended it to be but...

My husband of 19 years plus 5 years living together (24 total) is out of town for work - he has had mostly the same regular trips for many years - and as the family IT person I regularly do maintenance on his computer & yesterday did some specific work he asked me to do.

It involved getting info from a certain website & I'd closed the browser by accident, went into the History to get back to it more quickly and found *he'd been looking at craigslists posts by men in the city he was heading to* the day before he left.

Now, a bit of history.

Our sex life had been a frustrating roller coaster after the first year. For the next few years, he showed little interest in sex unless I initiated. Then flip-flopped - I'd gotten used to him refusing so I'd stopped & he suddenly wanted me to be into it again. I took a while to 're-warm' to it, so to speak but things got great for a few years. Our biggest problem was he never wanted to just have quick sex sometimes, we always had to go through every move he had.

Mostly life was going uphill. We started talking about having a kid. Got our apartment just the way we wanted it. Had friends & a social life.

Then, BAM, his father died & we had to move in with his mother to take care of her in her house (which we'd already owned for several years) and wham, with mom down the hall, sex disappeared within a year for the most part. Our social life did too as she hated our going out at night & freaked out when we'd have friends over to 'our' house.

We've moved since then and his mother had to go into a full-time care facility about three years ago. Our relationship had been strained through the 11-12 years living with his mother in our house. We even went to counseling early on & resolved most of our issues on the drive to the second session. Soon after that I somehow managed to seduce him on the right night & got pregnant. We have an awesome child (now 12) who we adore & are both devoted to.

In the last few years she lived with us I finally had to go on Prozac to deal with the stress & unhappiness dealing with her combination of early dementia & passive-aggressive behavior towards me. It killed my libido pretty much. Within a year of her going to the care home I came off the Prozac just fine.

We have two ongoing complications we face.

First, through the years I came to realize we're both "submissives" sexually. What this creates is a bed where two people lie there waiting for the other to make the move & take charge in bed. We read the same erotica, experimented a little with 'switch' role playing but he wanted it to go where I just couldn't bring myself to take it and realized he'd never be able to fully reciprocate in dominating me in any way. Every book we read he was identifying with the same aspect of D/s I was.

Second, seven years ago I caught Epstein-Barr (mono) & it wrecked my immune system & never left me so I have the clinical diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/ME. I feel sick almost ALL the time, have little energy, headaches, dizziness, extreme physical fatigue at the slightest exertion. I had to quit my career & barely manage my duties as a mom & household manager. Not much of me is left at days end after that.

For years he's explored his inclinations as a submissive online through kink sites. I'd also seen in his browser history (not intentional snooping because I was never worried about what he was looking at especially as my illness has made me not terribly interested in sex) & I'd seen him looking at craigslist posts for hetero female on male domination ads - they have images & it's free to look - but always in cities he never went to. And never trans/gay/bi material.

In general, over the last few years I thought our relationship was on the upswing in terms of being supportive & caring towards one another & improving our communication. At least, I know I more readily stated my needs because frankly for the first time I needed help with a lot of things where I'd been very independent.

Granted, we'd had a tiff that day or the day before where we'd been talking about our mutual weight problems & he suddenly said, "We just need to get you a corset & some leather." I asked what that had to do with anything? Stated I already had a great corset if he wanted me to wear it all he had to do was ask. He has for years never made a move for sex except when we were both drunk but then out of the blue makes statements that put all the no-sex blame on me. So he says he was just trying to be flirty. Well, he's horrible at flirting in that case because it just made me feel bad about my body & guilty that I am usually too sick/fatigued to feel like initiating sex. When I pointed out exactly how what he said made me feel he shut down & wouldn't talk to me. This is a typical behavior for him in the rare times I confront him.

So, I'm hoping he was just mad. This is a man who has said he could never even think about cheating & hated watching movies about affairs. But now, I wonder if he's getting seriously bi-curious or even realizing at age 48 that he might be gay.

Incidentally, about an hour before I booted up his computer I told him that our grand-nephew had come out. When I asked him to guess who just came out to his family there was silence on the other end. Now I'm wondering if he was stunned by thinking he'd been busted on his browsing already.

I don't know whether to just move on or confront him. There were no emails to any of the ads that I could see. It's just the city the ads are in that have me fretting.

There's a large part of me that wants to say, "Please, go out & find yourself. I'm fine with that. In fact, let one of my gay friends take you out to a "bear bar" with you where you'll be very popular." Because truly, I have little to no interest in/energy for sex for reasons stated above.

I just want our family unit to stay together for now so that our kid continues to be awesome & more financially secure than he'd be if we separated households before he's on his own.

If you read all this, I thank you for listening to my vent/rant.


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## chiben (Jun 26, 2012)

This is very confusing. I think you need to sit down with him and have a serious talk. What will that do? I dont know but I dont think you can keep this inside and the sooner you ask, the better it is.


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## Little Bird (Jan 16, 2012)

You both need to talk about this together. Have a frank discussion - no beating around the bush.

Aside from always wanted to be the submissive partner, are there any 'flags' your husband has displayed throughout your relationship that suggest he is interested in men? How was he befor eyou were married?

I do think the best thing would be to talk about it with him. Only he knows what he's thinking!

Do you think your H is capable of cheating on you? He didn't erase the browser history (obviously, because you found the content), so unless he doesn't know how, I would think that means he didn't mean anything by it.

That said, I see why you are suspicious.

'Randomly' call him up where he is and tell him you love him


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

I have been through this same thing. I am loyal to a fault and what that loyalty did was leave all women except my wife dead to me. I have no interest at all in any women and I would NEVER cheat on my wife. However, I am highly sexual and my wife was maybe giving me sex 3 times a week. This lead to me, more than half the week, looking at porn and getting myself off. 

I also talked about what she thought about female on female, or male on male, is that cheating? She said she didn't think it was, I agreed. She openly told me that if she found out I was with a guy, she wouldn't be jealous because it was a guy. I felt the same way about her and one of her friends. Well, this left the door open for the most "loyal" person. 

I was like your husband, I hated seeing movies with cheaters. I hated the idea of cheating. 

Also, my wife never initiated. My wife never acted like she wanted me. I would look in the mirror and see a hung handsome man and think, "Man, if I was my wife I would be all over me everyday!" However, it never happened. In our first 10 years of marriage, I do not think she ever initiated or even came on to me. I assume it was because I was so HD and if she did, I would probably go after her. She would purposely not initiate or show interest in me, to keep me at a distance. This killed me, and it also made me feel extremely guilty the 3 or so times we did have sex a week. I didn't think it was my wife though, I thought it was women in general. Women do not chase after a man, women do not initiate, women do not see a penis and just oogle over it like we oogle over them and their parts. My mind was set and I loved only my wife.

I saw the craigslist ads of men wanting men. Men wanting to worship other men's bodies. Men wanting to give blow jobs for hours straight with nothing in return. Men wanting sex for no other reason than to just have sex, because it feels great and it's fun. This was very enticing to me. This lifestyle, especially since it wasn't really cheating to US, could possibly fill that void I had been missing for years.

I never went through with any of it and eventually came clean to my wife about everything I felt. She was very understanding and it is partially the reason we now have scheduled sex into our daily routine. We have made sex just as much a part of our life as eating with the family at the dinner table, or having family time after work for a an hour. This took away all the guilt, all the "initiate", all the "will she go to sleep and leave me frustrated all night". Now, my wife initiates because she understands its part of our life. She went from never to now, 75% of the time initiating. She knows when we are done we will settle down, cuddle and watch a movie/sleep. It works and it took whatever thought I had about any other person, male or female, completely out of my head. In fact, I am embarrassed now and sick I ever thought the way I did. I do not think it was bi-curious or gay, I think it was needing to be wanted and knowing men WANT what they are attracted too. 

Your husband may be at that point where he is seriously considering crossing the line, have a talk with him. I'd assume he is into the men thing because he wants to remain loyal to you. It sounds sick twisted and dumb, but it takes the idea of being a cheater out of it, but still gets your sexual needs met.

However, with your husband being so "submissive" and beta, he may actually be gay or bi-curious. I am very alpha and not submissive at all. I am in total charge and have a very high drive. I do not think kissing guys or sucking someone off sounds great, but the idea of being "wanted" was very enticing. Just to know I am not some gross being that you have to spend time with because you married me.... kinda thing.


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## OneLoveXo (Jun 5, 2012)

Are you sure your husband isn't going into the men's section to post a personal ad? When I used to put up adds I would go into hetero womens section and post from there. I suggest you get a keylogger, I spy once in a while just to see what porn my bf is into. I use Refog keylogger, even after it expires 7 days later, you can still use it and it still logs everything, its just when you start it up you have top wait 15sec and than click okay and never have to pay a dime, you can also set so its invisible, and can be brough up by certain key command or by using "run", and it doesn't show up anywhere on your comp, it's practically impossible to find.

You will not know for sure unless you do this. Maybe he is posting ads or reading and thinking about posting one. Also maybe he is not gay but enjoyes look at pictures of men, lots of men watch gay/transgender porn, maybe he think craiglist pics are enough.

But the thing is neither of us will know for sure. Plus he could be deleting parts of the history, there might be much more than you realize. Get keylogger, it will either give you a peace of mind or reveal something to you, just run it for like 2 weeks and check up, if you see nothing else suspisious than you can uninstall it. It shows screen shot of all sites/apps he uses, shows what sites he used, what he typed into what sites/searches. You will also see what applications he used, what folders he used,etc.
Just get a keylogger that is the best way to find out what really is going on, good or bad.


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## J.R.Jefferis (Jun 27, 2012)

Wow...interesting stuff....you really need to sit down and get this all out into the open with him...


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

If you have his craigslist account, email and pw, you can look at his entire history. Craigslist will not let you delete anything off your account. You can delete from the listings, but not account.


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## Azya (Jul 10, 2012)

All good things to think about/consider. He's in his busy period on this trip for now (literally 18hr days) & won't have downtime from his work for a while. He sounds normal when he calls/texts/emails.

He's not as computer sophisticated as I am so I don't see him selectively deleting history. On the fetish site he subscribes to he was literally clicking on something new several times a minute. My next step is to see if he has any alternate email addresses and then to check the CL account existence.

He only has his work laptop & iPhone with him right now so I can't see what's going on with what he has with him. As I took some time to calm down I realize that this is a man who hates to knock or enter the door first when we're going to HIS friends' house he's so shy. It's probably just curiosity.

I may be lying to myself but oh well whatever. We've been together since 1989 & due to our mutual dedication to the well being of our incredible kid we're stuck together for another 6-10 years. He's a great dad & I try to be the best mom & household manager I can be.

And Aristotle, if he was Alpha our sex life would never have dwindled.  Or, if I was for that matter! 

A dialogue, however, is I think called for at this time. It's hard though to act in an accusatory manner towards him when I'm less than perfect. My unfortunate health situation has killed my contribution to our finances & our sex life & thus our ability to have much fun together. Though none of this is my fault - I couldn't control getting sick - my guilt is plentiful & we're both pretty stressed out most of the time.

Thanks all for reading & giving me things to think about.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

Your medical condition may have contributed to the decline in your sex life, but it certainly hasn't contributed to him being a homosexual. Let me be very clear...men don't look at the men seeking men section of craigslist unless they're gay. I'm serious. He's probably gay. If you're okay with that, then good for you, but I wouldn't have sex with him ever again. Men who refuse to believe they're gay don't protect themselves when they engage in gay activities. Protection equals foresight equals admission of homosexuality. 

I'm glad you're so okay about this and I'm happy you're devoted to your child but you need to really talk to him to find out where he is. 

Good luck.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Sounds like you "think" you know a lot about this C123.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

Well, I have an opinion and that's what she's looking for. If you don't like what I wrote, then disagree and offer her something constructive rather than just criticize me. I feel fairly confident that your post added nothing to the conversation.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

Chris - perhaps you're right that I over generalized, but I have not met any bisexual men. My wife has many gay friends and they all agree that bisexuality doesn't exist, but then again, I've read on here that gay people often say that.

Ultimately, my points were similar to yours. Figure out what's going on with him and where they're going in the future. She will have to decide what she can live with and what she can't live with but gay, straight, bi, whatever, affairs are affairs and they can be damaging physically and psychologically.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

chiben said:


> This is very confusing. I think you need to sit down with him and have a serious talk. What will that do? I dont know but I dont think you can keep this inside and the sooner you ask, the better it is.












Really suggest talking....it doesn't have to be everything all at once though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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