# Stepson vandalism problem



## stockinbug (May 29, 2010)

Hi folks! Second marriage, a great marriage, in fact, but one of the wife's kids doesn't like me - and he vandalizes my property. 

I do not hate my wife's boys. They are both smart, and have great potential. I started off fine with the boys, and even have some interests in common. As this particular stepson grew from age 11 to 19, however, he has grown apart from me, and will now no longer speak to me, or join in any meals where I am present.

The real problem: his real Dad is still involved with him, and my wife and her ex have given me no role in parenting him - specifically, no support for making any consequences for his actions. 

In the real world, of course, situations occasionally come up in which I am the only person present during a transgression, and must act like a parent. This has happened only a handful of times - I am not physical, I only issue stern disapproval at the worst - but with each event the stepson has gotten angrier and angrier with me acting like a "parent". Now he gets angry whenever I assert any control over my own household. He confers with his Mom and they try to make decisions about the house or yard without consulting me.

Stepson has never asserted any reason for his long-term anger with me aside from "Mom should never have gotten divorced." 

He expresses his anger by damaging things that I own. My wife has never made any real consequences - aside from stern speeches - for any of this property damage. He has admitted doing some of it. Other damage he denies doing, but the list of suspects is pretty short. 

I tried to enforce consequences myself just once: I cut off his internet access, with the understanding that he needed to sit down and have a talk with me to get it restored. He lobbied his Mom instead to pressure me to turn it back on. His favorite way to divide and conquer us is to threaten to move out and never talk to his Mom again (he's used the same ploy since age 11, I'm surprised it still works.) My wife sided with him, made me turn on his internet, and again did not make consequences for his actions, or even insist that he sit down and talk to me.

Now that he is 19 years old - an adult - I do not see this as a parenting issue anymore. I have installed security cameras (he was starting to vandalize my cars.) This action is, of course, fueling new conflict. 

If you are wondering why I have put up with this for several years, it's because it's really a great marriage, aside from this one problem, and I haven't wanted to put it at risk. Getting between a Mom and her son is dangerous for a relationship. The stepson, of course, knows what makes us both tick, and would like nothing better than to see us to come to blows over his behavior.

I have tried my best to make the case that the wife should no longer insert herself between two adults (me and 19-year-old stepson) having a dispute over my property. I can use small claims court (no police record) to get reimbursed for any property damage he causes. In fact, I think this would be a great experience for him - exactly what he needs to learn about at this point in his life, before he gets himself in even worse trouble.

But she is nevertheless horrified - about security cameras, court, the whole idea. But has no other good solution for me, and refuses to get out of the middle between us. 

What should I do? Frankly, I'm at the point where I simply must stop his behavior, even if I am risking damage to my marriage. The best guess I have right now is to threaten small claims court to get the wife to enforce real consequences. But I wish she would just step aside and let me handle it without getting herself all worked up.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would tell her that you and she are going to marriage counseling. When you get there, discuss the issue. Let a professional guide you.


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## stockinbug (May 29, 2010)

Thanks! Yes, counseling is part of the plan - it's been hard to get her to see this issue as something that might benefit from counseling - but I think she does now.

I posted my problem here in order to get a few ideas that I might take with me to the counselor. I guess it's a tough one, huh?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Women have a lot of issues when it comes to old husbands, sons, and new husbands. Be supportive of her, but show her the logic of the situation. This can't continue the way it is. 

Frankly, I think her son needs counseling more than you two. 

At the least, you need some tough love in the house on what's acceptable behavior. Of ANYONE - not just aimed at her son, but what ANYONE should be expected to behave like.


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## stockinbug (May 29, 2010)

Update on the situation - the stepson has "moved out" - his grandmother has taken him in. His beef is the security cameras. He says they threaten his privacy - of course they are only mounted where past vandalism has occurred - and he has accused me of spying on his girlfriend with them (silly, of course.) 

As predicted, he is pressuring Mom to have them taken down, or he will never see or talk to her again. 

So far, the wife is sticking with me on this issue, despite the threat. It helps that Grandma, who lives alone, now has someone to look after her. How about that silver lining?


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