# The cheater



## anonimouse (Feb 1, 2011)

I was the cheater... Did it once but didn't tell my now husband for years. It happened with his now ex bestfriend. 
He now knows (has known for a couple of years now) and while he seems to be dealing with it for the most part, although there is resentment and it has come up in arguments once or twice.. I can't seem to forgive myself for it! Most people would say that's my punishment and I don't deserve to feel ok but it does affect our marriage. How do people start "forgiving" themselves and start moving on? I feel guilty that I was the one who broke up what was an awesome friendship with them and I just hate knowing that I hurt the person I love the most.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

This is an interesting topic, and honestly I would love for someone to reply to this. I wish my wife would attempt to come on here, but I am sure she is in some of the fog still.


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## jem5 (Feb 6, 2011)

Ok so I've had guilt for a loong time and all it does is put you in a depression cycle. This year Im letting go and starting over. You just have to release it. You can never undo what you have done but you can try and be better. YOU need to try and make YOU feel better and find out what happened in your relationship that made you unhappy enough to do that. I've found that its not ever about the other person. My husband was unappreciative because he was unhappy with his life and I cheated because I was unhappy with mine. You make yourself get out of bed and dont give a crap about what anyone else thinks. People make mistakes and that doesnt make you a bad person.


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## jem5 (Feb 6, 2011)

I love how people are so quick to judge. Those are people who have been burned and I get that but they need to look at their lives and judge themselves. Obviously when they judge others they fail to realize all the things going wrong in their lives. Life isnt about being perfect. Its about having experiences and making mistakes and learning from them.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Well, all I can offer you is what I tell my H. I didn't "deserve" to be cheated on, but what I do "deserve" NOW is a husband that is committed to building a future with me. That means that we have to let go of all the hurt and hold on to all the happiness. I know it must be extremely difficult, but I do hope that peace comes and you find that you aren't a bad person, just made a bad choice once. Like I have said before, what a horrible world it would be if we were always thought of only by the worst thing we have done in our life.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

jem5 said:


> Ok so *I've* had guilt for a loong time and all it does is put you *(me) *in a depression cycle. This year *Im* letting go and starting over. You *(I)* just have to release it. You *(I)* can never undo what you *(I)* have done but you *(I)* can try and be better. YOU *(I)* need to try and make YOU *(ME)* feel better and find out *what happened in* your *(My) relationship * *that made *you *(Me)* unhappy enough to *do that*. *I've* found that its not ever about the other person. *My husband was unappreciative *because he was unhappy with his life and *I cheated because I was unhappy* with mine. You *(I) *make yourself *(myself)* get out of bed and *(I) dont give a crap about what anyone else thinks.* People make mistakes and that doesnt make you *(me) *a bad person.


Sounds like you are all healed now. No need for this forum anymore. Glad to help! you figured it all out! This was all about you. What made you do it? unappreciative husband. You cheated because you were unhappy and you don't care what anyone else thinks. Your Cured! Our bill is in the mail! Carry on with your life, thanks for stopping by!



jem5 said:


> I love how *people are so quick to judge*. Those are people who have been burned and I get that but they need to *look at their lives* and judge themselves. Obviously when *they judge others they fail to realize *all the things going *wrong in their lives.* Life isnt about being perfect. Its about having experiences and making mistakes and learning from them.


you are the victim of unfair judgement. I'm sorry. poor you.


you probably could have thumbnailed your response:

"guilt does no good, Im sick of this sh*t. I'm saying screw this guilt trip crap these judgemental hypcrites are giving me and so should you, No one is perfect. Life happens, fu*k it. Back to thinking about me, looking at me, and what happpened to me. What did he do to FORCE me to do this? what can I do to make ME happy again?."

lol.


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## jem5 (Feb 6, 2011)

Im not healed but that helps yes. Im empathizing with a cheater because I understand what theyre going through. You obviously do not. Like I said I dont give a crap what other ppl think of me. Dont know why you would think your opinion would be any different?


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## jem5 (Feb 6, 2011)

And DawnD you are absolutely right. Everyone deserves that


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

jem5 said:


> Im not healed but that helps yes. Im empathizing with a cheater because I understand what theyre going through. You obviously do not. Like I said I dont give a crap what other ppl think of me. Dont know why you would think your opinion would be any different?


It makes it easier for you to seperate the US from THEM thing and assuming that anything critical or confrontational from THEM is because THEY just don't understand.

Some of THEM do understand, very well. I am one of those people. I understand how you feel, and I do sympathize with the complete brain fu*k your going through inside your soul. I'm certain that you put yourself into a place you never saw coming. It's hell. All consuming, gut wrenching hell and Im dead sure the only thing you want to do is get out of it as quickly as possible.

I honestly do not intend to crucify DS's in general. I have no interest in spraying venom at anyone. Your pain doesn't make me feel any better about mine. I just pointed out what you said.


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## jem5 (Feb 6, 2011)

No you were messing with a total stranger. That was obvious. Theres no reason to be confrontational with anyone. This is a site for SUPPORT. Youre on here so obviously you are getting something from this site. If being a jerk makes you feel better about yourself then more power to you. Dont try to go all docile when clearly you got called out and didnt wanna look like the bad guy.


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## Shianne (Feb 5, 2011)

I can't let go of my guilt either and it is right outside my door. I count the days until we can move!

Would anyone like to tear me up for being the cheater? I was super duper shocked that I did not get that here. I was actually looking for it... reinforcement that I was so in the wrong. That is was all my fault and that I had to fix it. Was kinda hoping for a how as well ... but that was not what I got.

I am more confused than ever now lol. Good luck to us all!!


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

This has been a big problem with my wife, and she never even had sex with the guy. I don't know what she would have done , if she had gone through with it. Maybe done herself a mischief. With her , she was so ashamed and remorseful that it kept us from progressing, until we finally found a counselor who put us on the right track. So now whenever my wife feels guilt, she channels it into something positive for others, or doing something nice for me, and this helps a lot. Every single day, she shows me more love and affection, and every day we both try to communicate more honestly and intimately. It takes time , but it does get better and proper counseling is a must, in my opinion, for it to finally be past history. I wish you luck, and patience.


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## anonimouse (Feb 1, 2011)

And another thing - why do I get insecure and jealous when I find out he is going to be working closely with a female!? I cheated not him!!! Argh haha
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

anonimouse said:


> And another thing - why do I get insecure and jealous when I find out he is going to be working closely with a female!? I cheated not him!!! Argh haha
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My husband had a horrible time thinking I was going to go out and have a "revenge affair". I think its because at that time he realized since he could and did do it, so could I lol. Sounds crazy but it truly does make sense.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

jem5 said:


> No you were messing with a total stranger. That was obvious. Theres no reason to be confrontational with anyone. This is a site for SUPPORT. Youre on here so obviously you are getting something from this site. If being a jerk makes you feel better about yourself then more power to you. Dont try to go all docile when clearly you got called out and didnt wanna look like the bad guy.


As you mention, Im a stranger. I don't know you, will never know you and have no vested interest in your process or the outcome. 

This site is for support. Support in coping, healing and support in dealing with the emotional trainwreck that is infidilety. As a LS dealing with this process sometimes a swift slap in my face is exactly what I need and the most valuable "support" I have gotten in this process. Taking a long hard look at me, how I"m coping and my part in this is a mirror that I don't like looking into sometimes. Hurts. But, has helped more that any sympathy, "V-Hugs" and understanding that anyone has offered me... 

I offered a supporting slap in your face. Not because I'm a jerk or it makes me feel better to do it. Because it helps sometimes. 

• Tough love; when someone treats another person harshly or sternly with the intent to help them in the long run.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> As you mention, Im a stranger. I don't know you, will never know you and have no vested interest in your process or the outcome.
> 
> This site is for support. Support in coping, healing and support in dealing with the emotional trainwreck that is infidilety. As a LS dealing with this process sometimes a swift slap in my face is exactly what I need and the most valuable "support" I have gotten in this process. Taking a long hard look at me, how I"m coping and my part in this is a mirror that I don't like looking into sometimes. Hurts. But, has helped more that any sympathy, "V-Hugs" and understanding that anyone has offered me...
> 
> ...


No offense Pit, but I didn't get any tough love out of your post in response to Jem. I did perceive it as a personal attack towards her. Tough love is to help them see where they are refusing to see, not putting words in their mouth and a sarcasm drenched response.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

DawnD said:


> My husband had a horrible time thinking I was going to go out and have a "revenge affair". I think its because at that time he realized since he could and did do it, so could I lol. Sounds crazy but it truly does make sense.


My wife is kind of thinking the same way. I have always been transparent, but I think she has checked all of my stuff more often then I have hers. I have always had a lot of women friends. In high school I was that fat, "brother" like friend to most of the girls, and would be there when there jerk of boyfriends would treat them like dirt. Now after high school a lot of women like that. So my wife is worried I will use that, and go do something. She should know better, but I suppose after everything, she is having coping issues well.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

No offense taken. Perhaps my response was too frisky. Point taken.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> No offense taken. Perhaps my response was too frisky. Point taken.


I am sure I have done it before too, no one is perfect. I don't want to threadjack again, but are you okay? Your response seemed pretty emotional. Is everything okay?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

DawnD said:


> Is everything okay?


Nope. lol. 

Trapped in a fog filled house of mirrors, hands tied behind my back. Trying not to bump my nose.


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## jem5 (Feb 6, 2011)

Yeeah I dont need a slap in the face. I've obviously had one already. I dont take what I did lightly. I dont need some punk ass telling me whats right and wrong. I am well aware of that which is why i feel GUILTY. And more ppl are on this site as a cheater than you think and it isnt any easier for them. Save your judgements for urself. Nice job trying to "tell me off". Number one rule of ass**** ism is to not talk about things u have no clue about. If you remotely understood you would knw how confusing and complicated it is for the "cheater".


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

anonimouse said:


> And another thing - why do I get insecure and jealous when I find out he is going to be working closely with a female!? I cheated not him!!! Argh haha
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My W has said this many times now " how do I know you are not going to go out and do it" saying I am thinking she did it so why can't I. Is that the thought process? It starts to feel like there should be a free pass?? 

But here is my question to those cheaters posting. Is the pain/ guilt or whatever emotional rollercoaster it has sent you on enough to keep you from doing it again?


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

anonimouse said:


> And another thing - why do I get insecure and jealous when I find out he is going to be working closely with a female!? I cheated not him!!! Argh haha
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Im glad you find that funny....

Here is your answer...

A thief is more likely to lock his doors and protect his belongings.... because he knows there are people like him out there.

Pretty much the same thing.It is not guild that makes you fear his work situation, it knowing that people like you could be working with him.

Here is the difference, he is stronger than you.

I hope that gives some comfort.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

anonimouse said:


> I was the cheater... Did it once but didn't tell my now husband for years. It happened with his now ex bestfriend.
> He now knows (has known for a couple of years now) and while he seems to be dealing with it for the most part, although there is resentment and it has come up in arguments once or twice.. I can't seem to forgive myself for it! Most people would say that's my punishment and I don't deserve to feel ok but it does affect our marriage. How do people start "forgiving" themselves and start moving on? I feel guilty that I was the one who broke up what was an awesome friendship with them and I just hate knowing that I hurt the person I love the most.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




This is by far the most irriating question i hear. 

You have an offender... who is working on forgiving themselves, and the offended who is also working on forgiving them. That must be nice.

Every emotion we have serves a purpose. Fear lets us know that we need to fight or run. Pain lets us know that something is wrong, which needs attention. Sorrow lets us know that we are not happy and that we need to change something.

Guilt lets us know that we have violated our OWN moral standards, and that we are not yet doing enough to reach that standard again. 

How do you feel better? When you have shown the remorse and penance that you would expect in his situation... you will feel better. Right now, you may not feel like you have done enough to make it right... Depending on your "forgiveness langauage" you may not have reached that point.

Read "the 5 languages of Forgiveness" by Dr. Gary Chapman. - He explains this in detail. 

I have been cheated on, and i am still with her a year later... She feels just fine about it. And i have become a model husband. But know this, Forgiveness is one issue. Trust is another. Not a day goes by without me thinking about it, and at some point.... maybe not today, maybe not in 5 years... but at some point... it is possible that I will just walk out.

Remember that forgiveness is given in grace. It is something that we do not deserve, but is given to us anyway. God offers this freely, man however does not. Lots of people forgive others, and thier lives are still forever changed. Parents are a great example. People forgive thier parents all the time, but they still suffer the long term effects of the parents failures. yes?

Good luck.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

twotimeloser said:


> Im glad you find that funny....
> 
> Here is your answer...
> 
> ...


Spot on. I should have my wife read this. She checks all my info way more often then I hers. She is worried I will "revenge cheat". If I ever had the urge to cheat, I would have done it long ago.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Whenever you start to feel guilt or sadness for what you have done. Try changing your thinking to thankfulness that your husband is reconciling with you. You can't think of two things at the same time. Gratitude or shame. Think of gratitude. Don't worry about your husbands ex-best friend. He wasn't his friend, obviously.


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