# How to live in a sexless marriage



## pinklime (Jun 14, 2016)

We have been together for 5 years and married for 2.5 and our marriage is great, but we have one huge issue that I just can't help but think will break us apart. Our sex life. He is just not a sexual person and I am. He is happy with once every few weeks and doesn't need any kind of foreplay or variation in positions. I would prefer a few times a week and I need more than just the same thing every time... we haven't had any foreplay in about 4 years, and we haven't varied from missionary in over 2.

This has been going on since a few months before we got married, so about 3 years ago. At first I just thought it was down to us both being busy and having stressful jobs. Then it just seemed like it was excuse after excuse with no change... it's not like we haven't talked about it, we have talked about it endlessly. I have broken down over it, at one point I even left although I obviously came back. We have talked seriously about it, everything you can imagine yet no change whatsoever. He keeps promising that he will try but he has never actually tried once. A few weeks ago I broke down really bad and that's when I left, and he swore to me that things would change. They haven't. So last week I confronted him and asked him how he can let this go on this way and he admitted that he just doesn't care about sex and it's not important to him. He said he doesn't understand why I need sex to feel connected to him and our marriage because he feels connected to me in other ways. He is a great husband in every other way, and he believes that because he provides me with anything else I need (financial and otherwise), that it should be enough. 

I have tried to improve things. I've initiated at different times but I'm always pushed away or ignored to the point where I don't feel as though my mental/emotional health can handle being turned down anymore. I have tried to get us into different positions but it's never worked, and I have tried foreplay on him but he just pushes me away. Foreplay on me isn't an option.

I'm feeling really down about myself and I feel as though there is this huge wall between us. I'm hurt because he hasn't made any effort to improve our sex life and is ignoring my needs, and I also feel bad because physically, I need sex and I'm not getting it. 

I want to stay with him, I just don't know what to do. I know that our sex life isn't going to improve, and so I'm not looking for advice for him to help that, I'm looking for advice for how to stay in this marriage and make things work.

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Small update on post #23

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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

How to live with it is going to be an intensely personal solution. You would likely need to accept that it will never get significantly better. You can probably pressure him to engage more often, but it will likely always be lacking. And it will probably get worse over time. Any marriage cools down as the years go on. If you're at this point now, how will you deal after it's been 10, 20 or 30 years of more cooling off?

One critical factor in how easy it will be to live with is how open he is to working on this. He should still be understanding that you have needs and wants to make you happy even it's more often than he likes. He should be willing to investigate counseling and medical solutions in case there are things that can be fixed. If instead he blows it all off and says it's just the way it is, it's not going to work out very well. If he's not caring enough to take steps to make you happier, it's going to be a constant battle. Not only will you not be satisfied, you'll feel resentful that he's not making any sort of effort.

Many people have been in your situation and kept going for years and decades. Often, they wish they would have split up rather than try to soldier on. I'm sure you love him and think he's great, but there are other men out there who are also great and you're more compatible with.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

Is your husband potentially gay and in the closet? The fact that he refuses any foreplay, kissing, breast teasing, vagina touching and oral, and will only go for a quick missionary romp out of duty once a month is very abnormal for a healthy heterosexual man.

As for staying in a marriage where you value sex and need it, and your husband doesn't and refuses to try, well I don't see how you do that without being miserable and likely ending up cheating anyway to get your needs fulfilled.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Marriage counseling. Get him to go or go alone to show him this is important to the marriage.

You will learn how to (a) fix it, (b) live with it or (c) leave.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

My Gaydar is going off. Check his online presence and texts for communications with men. It is so much easier to hide a same sex relationship.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Unless there is a physical problem like low testosterone than can be fixed, I'd say you're incompatible and should just end the marriage. The problem will only grow more aggravating, with time, and if you have children, it will become much harder to decide to leave. Better to do so now, unless there is a solution and he is fully willing to implement it.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Very important to put a time limit on the process. Do NOT tell your H the time limit. But sexual mismatch is generally something that either gets fixed in 3 to 6 months or doesn't get fixed for years and years (if ever). So if I were you, I would insist on MC. And pick a date in you mind like New Year's Day 2017. And if your H has not shown substantial and consistent improvement by then, make an appointment now to see a divorce lawyer on January 2, 2017. If you let it linger, it will. And your life will pass you by.

Oh, and whatever you do, do NOT have kids with him until this is resolved. Remember Hold's 2 rules for sexual mismatch:

1. Do not marry someone while you are experiencing a mismatch. It isn't fair to either of you.
2. Do not have kids while you are experiencing a mismatch. It isn't fair to the kids.

You already broke Rule #1. Rule #2 makes it MUCH more painful to extract yourself.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

We used to have a very knowledgable woman here at TAM (Faithful Wife) who would tell you that you cannot change a persons natural sexuality. Your husbands sexuality is low need, yours is very sexual which means high sex needs. You can no more expect more from him then he can expect less from you.

Your sexual mismatch will cause a GREAT deal of pain for both of you. I strongly urge you to part ways as friends now.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

pinklime said:


> I'm feeling really down about myself and I feel as though there is this huge wall between us. I'm hurt because he hasn't made any effort to improve our sex life and is ignoring my needs, and I also feel bad because physically, I need sex and I'm not getting it.
> 
> I want to stay with him, I just don't know what to do. I know that our sex life isn't going to improve, and so I'm not looking for advice for him to help that, *I'm looking for advice for how to stay in this marriage and make things work.*


*Have you ever worked on more "positive" ways for him to reject the idea of having sex with you? *

Doing that may help you unlock some of the issues that are causing him to push away from you. An example might be that if you initiate and he is not in the mood, he should know how to help calm you down by perhaps giving you a back rub or allowing you to give him a back rub (forms of physical touching). 

Another problem would be if you have growing disappointment if he never shows evidence of being aroused and desiring you for sex while at the same time you do but are choosing not to initiate to see when and if he will. This is a double whammy because you are creating expectations for him while at the same time withholding your own feelings. If this is the case, you should instead work on making it very easy for him to please you, and really compliment his abilities when he does it as a way to build his self esteem. An example might be shopping together online for a vibrator that you will later enjoy on your own. This helps you overcome the struggle of communicating to him that you have a very active libido in a way that hopefully creates more curiosity on his behalf (which will help with his desire). If he gets upset about the toys, THEN you might realize that he was raised in such a way that taught him sexual disgust. Realizing that will open the door to "why" he was taught those things and believes them. Then you know what you are dealing with...

Hope that helps...

Badsanta


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

So for the first 2.25 years of your relationship, foreplay and sex with him were different/better? If so, it's hard to believe a closeted gay man could fake passion for that long. How was the sex originally, and what event(s) coincided with the change to (apparent) LD? Did he go cold when you got engaged (and/or when the prospect of marriage became real & tangible because of its imminence 3 months out)?

I'd want to know his T levels, and also whether the LD condition is specific to you, notwithstanding what he says. For the conflict-avoidant, it's easier to claim broad asexuality than admit you're no longer into the person you married for whatever reason.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Do not have children with him.

Especially don't have children with the hope that it will improve your relationship.

Have 1 final talk with him where you make clear your needs are not being met and what he needs to do to meet your needs.

At that point, set yourself a timeline for how long you are willing to give him a chance to adjust. Then just watch what he does.

Your biggest task should be to prepare yourself mentally for the fact that he will not change and that this is not your fault.

Understand that this other person cannot give you happiness or take it away from you.


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## pinklime (Jun 14, 2016)

Sorry for not responding to everyone individually, I'm trying to take it all in and ended up going for a long drive at lunch.

I really don't think he's gay. The first 2.5 years of the relationship everything was great. We had sex usually every other day and we never had a ton of foreplay, but there was some. He was married before (for less than 2 years), but they were trying to get pregnant so it's not really what we are going through.

We are not having kids. Nothing will change my mind on that.

Whenever we have talked about it he just says he's content and lazy... I do believe that, but what bothers me is he knows how much this is affecting me on so many levels, and he has still made no attempt to make things better.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Just some quick thoughts.
Has anyone asked about his weight?
I'm mismatched as well but get by on self service, which she accepts and endorses.
The rejection seems to be harder on women. You do realize that it is the activity he is rejecting, not you?
Another thing that help living under these conditions is no limit on affection. (I think your guy is limiting that, can he loosen that up?)


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

pinklime said:


> Whenever we have talked about it he *just says he's content and lazy*... I do believe that, but what bothers me is he knows how much this is affecting me on so many levels, and he has still made no attempt to make things better.


Content and lazy could be low self esteem. 

If you have turned sex into an ongoing debate, the idea of sex for him likely means having to subject himself to something that makes him feel inadequate to you. Given that that can be a difficult thing to do, perhaps he only has sex once his hormones have overwhelmed him, thus him having no need for foreplay.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
There are many people (men and women) in this situation and it is miserable. From my experience and many discussions, my thoughts:

Don't expect it to get better. Occasionally it does, but most of the time it stays the same or gets worse. Some of us have waited 30 years for things to improve....

Don't expect him to ever understand how it makes you feel. People who don't desire sex really cannot understand the feelings of those who do. The do not understand the effects of rejection, the blow to self-esteem.

Only you can answer whether or not you are willing to spend the rest of your life like this. How does it affect you? Is it an occasional annoyance or a constant pain? Does it hurt to see happy couples waling hand in hand and kissing? Do romance / sex scenes in movies fill you with a sense of loss an frustration? Do comments by friends casually implying that they have happy sex lives drive you crazy?


If it hurts, then leave.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

I would first start off by having him get a full hormonal panel done. If everything comes back in line then you can at least rule out it being a physical issue. 

My guess, for whatever reason, sex is not important to him and he was more proactive before you got married b/c he felt that is what he needed to do in order for you to marry him (bait & switch). 

It just sounds like you are terribly mismatched, and unless it is a physical problem that can be fixed, it is best to move on and find someone that you are a better match with.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

What's his porn use like? Too much porn could be an issue.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

sometimes people need a proverbial knock upside the head.

what is there not to get for this guy? look anyone with 1/4 of a brain knows marriage is a lot about sex.
and no i don't buy that anyone intelligent doesn't know this at some level.
his statement that sex means nothing to him is, whether intentionally or not extremely selfish.

maybe for YOU it's not, but how about your wife? ever think of her??????

i say you knock him big time upside the head (proverbially) speaking.

either tell him your leaving if he doesn't address the problem or counseling or get someone he trusts to 'let him have it' with a 2 x 4.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

pinklime said:


> Whenever we have talked about it he just says he's content and lazy... I do believe that, but what bothers me is he knows how much this is affecting me on so many levels, and he has still made no attempt to make things better.


Clearly, that attitude is going to make progress and improvement very difficult. 

You may think the solution is simple because sex feels good, he likes to feel good, therefore he will like sex. As you've seen, it's more complicated than that. To help you understand, flip the situation around to something different. For example, does he have any hobbies you're not interested in? Let's say he's into model trains and you don't care about that. Now, what if he wanted you to be interested in trains. Not just have a passing interest sometimes, but really be excited about model trains. Could you do that? Could you really be excited about trains? Want to build train sets? Go to train shows? Want to play with trains many times a week? Likely, you wouldn't be able to really get all that interested in trains. Because you love him you would sometimes keep him company and encourage him to have fun, but it would be a very complicated task for you to actually enjoy trains as a hobby like he does.

The reality is that the best you can hope for is that he changes his behavior, but his base desire might not change very much. So you could perhaps get him to agree to a fixed schedule of 1-2x per week, but his heart might not be into it. Duty sex, lovingly given, is likely the best outcome you can expect.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

wilson said:


> The reality is that the best you can hope for is that he changes his behavior, but his base desire might not change very much. So you could perhaps get him to agree to a fixed schedule of 1-2x per week, but his heart might not be into it. Duty sex, lovingly given, is likely the best outcome you can expect.


OMG, I just found out you can actually buy placebos for yourself on Amazon, and here is a news show about them:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jp14Lhl0T9w

Buy these for yourself and let your husband see you taking them, but do not let him see the bottle. When he asks what they are for, say "they are special hormones to make my boobs bigger!" Then don't say anything else, but let him keep see you taking them each day. 

The purpose: He will keep staring at your boobs to try and see if they are getting any bigger. At the end of the day, he will have been staring at your boobs, and that is a good problem for him to have!

Cheers,
Badsanta


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## SpurnedDesire (Jun 15, 2016)

Opposite genders here. Made the mistake of marrying a virgin thinking all women enjoyed sex. She seems to do it (once a month or fewer) bc it's something married couples do. She gets off in a few minutes (or gets impatient), then zonks out. Not a sexy bone in her body (no pun intended). Now I've become one of those guys that wonders what it would be like with just about any woman I encounter. Trapped by kids, finances. 

If it's easier to get out of than that, do so. Do not pass go.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

MAJDEATH said:


> My Gaydar is going off. Check his online presence and texts for communications with men. It is so much easier to hide a same sex relationship.


My first wife thought I was gay too. Nothing farther from the truth.
28 years ago I was married to my first wife for 1.5 years. I was 23 when I got married. I thought I loved her, but I was wrong. She and her family pressured me into getting married. I ended up hating having sex with her. I could not go down on her and hated foreplay of any kind. As time went on, she started to repulse me in every way. Fast forward to my second wife of 25 years and I LOVE to have sex with her. If she is on her period I go into mourning not being able to go down on her.

Sure, he could still be gay. However, there are a billion things that can turn a guy or girl off from wanting sex with their partner.
Sometimes people get married for all the WRONG reasons.

Just wanted to give an opinion from a different angle.


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## pinklime (Jun 14, 2016)

Thanks for the responses everyone.

I ended up showing him this post last night and we had a pretty good conversation. He's going to see his doctor and get any tests that he recommends to see if there is something physically wrong. He also suggested marriage counselling, which is huge because it's something I've wanted to do since before we got married (I'm a big believer in counselling) and he has never wanted to. 

He seems to think that all of this is more simple and not as much of a big deal than I'm making it out to be. We usually have sex once a week, and it's always the same day/time and positions. He said it's because he's just a creature of habit and with our schedules and jobs (his is pretty demanding and he works long hours), it's just the way it is. He wants me to initiate more and says he won't turn me down, but I have been turned down too many times by him to want to initiate. 

I guess it's just another way for me to look at it and not play the victim?!


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Let him go and never again marry someone who is sexually incompatible.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm just happy he is willing to see a doc and a counselor. He seems to believe there is a problem, that's a good start.


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## Paul Andrew (Jun 20, 2016)

pinklime said:


> We have been together for 5 years and married for 2.5 and our marriage is great, but we have one huge issue that I just can't help but think will break us apart. Our sex life. He is just not a sexual person and I am. He is happy with once every few weeks and doesn't need any kind of foreplay or variation in positions. I would prefer a few times a week and I need more than just the same thing every time... we haven't had any foreplay in about 4 years, and we haven't varied from missionary in over 2.
> 
> This has been going on since a few months before we got married, so about 3 years ago. At first I just thought it was down to us both being busy and having stressful jobs. Then it just seemed like it was excuse after excuse with no change... it's not like we haven't talked about it, we have talked about it endlessly. I have broken down over it, at one point I even left although I obviously came back. We have talked seriously about it, everything you can imagine yet no change whatsoever. He keeps promising that he will try but he has never actually tried once. A few weeks ago I broke down really bad and that's when I left, and he swore to me that things would change. They haven't. So last week I confronted him and asked him how he can let this go on this way and he admitted that he just doesn't care about sex and it's not important to him. He said he doesn't understand why I need sex to feel connected to him and our marriage because he feels connected to me in other ways. He is a great husband in every other way, and he believes that because he provides me with anything else I need (financial and otherwise), that it should be enough.
> 
> ...


I know how you feel. I am in the same situation with my wife. She is just not interested in any foreplay or sex. I am finding it so draining on me. I hope you and your husband sort it out and get your sex life back on track. If you do please let me know what worked for you.


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