# My situation as it is now



## andybenoit (Oct 22, 2012)

I just found this board and looks like it has some good people with good ideas on it. let me get right into it

october 15th 2012 I had a sick feeling in my gut. out of the blue and something i have NEVER done before I checked her FB account. she has been having an emotional affair sense i think about July 2012. they both makes sexual innuendos she has posted a mostly topless pic. no pics from him that I saw. just a lot of flirty banter like i wish i was laying next to you or I would love to read to you as i hold you in my arms. she is a "book" girl and I am totally not into that. he is. on the 19th i intercepted a delivery from him to her. she had gotten weird about checking the mail like 3 times a day. it was a book from him to her with a piece of paper with page no. paragraph etc. information. I read the passage and it was some egotistical ranting on the human condition or something (book from the 60's) she is adicted to Facebook and will not get off it. I currently do not have a full time job and have been working odd jobs lately she is a stay at home mom. we have 2 kids 3 and 5 years old. 

When i confronted her about the affair she just said it was a "writing project" she likes to write allot. but when i asked why they both kept saying i love you to each other she shut down. its been like pulling teeth to get her to open up about anything. she says she loves me and that she has no plans to leave. but i dont think i can cope with what she is continuing to do. I have thought about disconnecting the internet so she can't talk to him but i feel it would drive her away more. the only good thing about this is that he is in AZ and i am in GA. are there any guys out there that have gone through this without it leading to divorce? I love her and I can look past what happened but she wont open up to me!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Can't imagine the writing project that requires her laying next to him or her sending him near-topless photos of herself. It's not necessary to tell your publisher "I love you.". If she's a stay-at-home mom, what writing project does she have? Are you married to Ernest Hemingway? She's a wife and a mother, not a novelist and she aint single. I'm afraid I'd discontinue internet. Sounds like y'all can't afford it anyway and it's obviously interfering with the family health. If it pushes her away, you didn't actually have a wife, so you wouldn't have lost one.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

That definitely sounds like an emotional affair. There are some folks here with great advice but in the meantime, install a keylogger and start capturing more information like the chats. Check text records, document everything.

When I thought hubby might be on to something, I freaked out and deleted everything. While I've come clean and told him everything, he still questions what else was there? Is there something else? 

The more prepared you are for that conversation, the less likely she'll be able to cover her tracks and minimize what has happened. 

Is her friend married?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Shut it down, completely. 

OM needs to be out of the picture, and you're not gonna get emotions from her until hes gone because right now they are all going to him. 

I know you don't want this to go to divorce, but an emotional affair(EA) has to be dealt with quickly and with extreme prejudice. 

Right now she gives him all her emotions. When shes talking with him shes getting dopamine from her brain, which is why its so addicting to her. 

The longer this EA goes on, the WORSE it gets. 

Its completely inappropriate. You may not want to lose her, but the emotional affair MUST STOP. It will deteriorate the marriage. In her EA she will rewrite the history of the relationship, exaggerate all the lows of the marriage and minimize the good. She'll also demonize you in her mind as uncaring, mean, and basically the big bad boogieman. 

You need to understand the danger. Take a decent marriage, with kids and sex, and all that good stuff. Introduce an EA and a year or so later the partner having an affair rewrites the marriage history. Says the marriage has always been bad. Says "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" and then they want a divorce. 


Its time for an ultimatum. You can't 'nice' someone out of an affair, or beg them or plead them. 

I Repeat

DO NOT BEG, PLEAD, or ASK FOR HER TO BE FAITHFUL. 

That will emasculate you as man and put OM on a higher pedestal. 

Tell her it has to end NOW. Not tomorrow, not in a week, but the very second after you say these words. She needs to send a No Contact letter to OM and then completely cut him out of your lives. Blocked email, no facebook, and all other forms of contact. 

And then make her take responsibility for her actions. A married woman has no business saying 'I love you' to a man who isn't her husband or family. Theres no circumstances that justify it and she needs to own up that she was WAY out of line and put the marriage in jeopardy. 

Then you two need to go into marriage counseling to reconnect her emotions back to the marriage. 

Also DO NOT go into counseling when shes still in the affair. 

Marriage counseling is utterly useless when one of the participants is having an affair because marriage counseling only works in regards to 2 people in a relationship, not 3. 

EAs are nasty, and many of them destroy marriages. I'm sorry to tell you, but there is no fast and easy way to fix this. Its gonna be rough, and you're gonna have to man up and do what needs to be done. If you puss out, or let her continue this EA, your marriage toast.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Your marriage can recover but she has to admit what she did was wrong. 

She has to understand how this hurts you and the marriage. 

She has to write OM and tell him to never contact her again and she must never contact him in any way. You have to approve the message before it is sent.

She must defriend him and block him on FB. 

She may have to shut down her FB account for a while until you both have time to work on your marriage together.

If she cannot or will not do this, start talking divorce. Let her see the reality of what she is about to loose over this guy.

There cannot be 3 people in a marriage.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

First, get this book

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

Next, go stealth. She isn't going to admit to you what she's actually doing - why would she?!?! She will only tell you what she thinks you already know - it's called TRICKLE TRUTH. You need to do a lot more snooping and gather some evidence - real evidence - like put a VAR in her car, look at her phone bill, texts, bank accounts, everything. Ask her for the passwords and then log on right then and there so she doesn't have a chance to delete anything.

It doesn't have to lead to divorce, but unless you're willing to end it, it probably will.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

andybenoit said:


> are there any guys out there that have gone through this without it leading to divorce? I love her and I can look past what happened but she wont open up to me!


Yes, but in my case I was the bad guy. I was flirting online with girls on MySpace (it was a while back) and while I didn’t get close to any one girl, it was highly inappropriate.

So what did my W do to get me to stop?

She threaten divorce. I thought she was blowing things way out of proportion since in my mind I didn’t cheat but she wasn’t going to be disrespect like that so she was ready to kick me to the curb. She blew things up big time and at first I thought she was being irrational but then I discovered it didn’t matter what I thought, she wasn’t going to stand for it so I’d best change my ways or else.

It worked; I never flirted with another girl since then.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Also Andy don't rugsweep this. Saying you can get past it when you haven't even confronted fully yet. You're minimizing it. 

So many marriages end due to EAs. I hope Entropy posts.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Install a key logger and check your phone records. Find out how bad it is. Then cut off the internet and tell her you're not paying for her to f around on you. 

After that start the 180. Don't stop until she begs you not to leave her and comes completely clean with everything agrees to NC. Also agrees to destroy any clothes in the pictures she sent. Any other reasonable demands like MC if you can afford it. 

If she doesn't do what I just listed she's still in A land, and you need to continue the 180 even if it ends your M.

Sorry you're here.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Yeah, I've heard the "writing project" bs before. Don't accept such obvious nonsense.

What can you do to get past this? Demand honesty and respect. Clearly state your boundaries and the consequences for gooing past them.

And mean it. You have to establish and stick to the consequences you lay out.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Ovid said:


> Install a key logger and check your phone records. Find out how bad it is. Then cut off the internet and tell her you're not paying for her to f around on you.
> 
> After that start the 180. Don't stop until she begs you not to leave her and comes completely clean with everything agrees to NC. Also agrees to destroy any clothes in the pictures she sent. Any other reasonable demands like MC if you can afford it.
> 
> ...


I should tell you this is almost the exact scenario my WW was doing. Right down to the olmost topless pics. I gathered evedence for two days. Then I blew the top off. When I confronted her I was already setting up for seperation/D and had cut any funds of mine that were helping her. I also let her know I'd rather be alone than with someone that disrespected me like that. I told her our M was over and it was her choice. I did not accept any blame. She went out of the M on her own, so she owned the problem. 

The end result was she soaked my foot with her tear until I agreed to give her a second chance. You need to be strong. Don't beg her back. Come from a position of strength and stay there. No matter what problems the two of you have she has no valid excuse for an A.


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## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

I agree with Kasler. Tell her to STOP, send the No Contact letter and only thing can you even consider if you can handle this and how you can handle it. If she refuses to STOP and refuses to send a No Contact Letter, you don't even have a starting point to repair and heal the relationship.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya my wife was screwing around and the main way to contact her OM (other man) was texting, so I changed her number and stop text capability. 

First I asked her if she wanted to be married to me and she said yes, then I said good I'm cutting off your phone. She got pissed and I had to ask her again if she wanted to be married to me and she replied yes, so I told that if she wants her marriage she loses the phone.

I think it was one of the consequences my wife was willing to face to keep her marriage.

Keep in mind at the point when I confronted her my marriage didn"t matter, I would have been fine if she left....I was done with the disrespect she was showing me.

I believe it was cutting the phone off and all the other heavy lifting that my wife had to do to keep her marriage. I think the consequences and the therapy my wife faced are helping her affair proof her marriage.

Plus now that I'm more confident and command respect I'm alot more attractive then the push over I once was.


So I suggest you stop tolorating sharing your wife and ask her to leave if she can't stop this sh!t. If she wants to stay married then she loses facebook.

You can't nice your way out of this, cuz she will be very pissed that you are making the affair inconvienent and uncomfortable......and thats a good thing.


Be prepared to be labed controlling, counter that by telling her you will not control her, she has a choice to except the protection you have for the marriage or leave...it will always be her choice.

Expose the affair and email the OM inform him that no matter what he was told, you are very much in love with your wife and will do whats nessary to protect it. Actually I would find out who the OM is 1st then see if he is married, then confront his wife or girl friend.

Your marriage is toast so you may as well push it and see if you can stop the OM from effecting the dynamics of the marriage and establish NC (no contact) between the two of them.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I haven't been where you are but I've been where your wife is.

If you believe only two things believe these: 

You cannot nice someone out of an affair. 

Emotional affairs are like wild fire. Every day you do not act decisively to defend your marriage their bond will grow and be that much harder to break. 

Your wife's connection to this OM is an emotional addiction, think of and treat her like any other addict. She will fight you, she will lie to you, she will sell her soul to get her fix of OM. Put your foot down and do not tolerate it. Don't worry about running her off, she's currently checked out emotionally. What you have to do is reunite her emotions and her body - either her emotions come back to you or her ass goes to him (or somewhere else as long as it's away from you). 

The very first thing that has to happen is she has to go no contact with this guy. The second thing that has to happen is she has to give you full and complete transparency into everything - her communications, her emotions, her thoughts. Until she does both of these you are effectively at war with your addict wife. 

Do not underestimate this. Do not ask, do not debate, do not concede. No contact with him or no contact with you - her choice.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Find out if the OM has a wife or gf and let them know about the affair.


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## andybenoit (Oct 22, 2012)

Thank you for all the input. I sent her an email which i dont think she has read yet. basically stating that she must tell me immediately that she is going to stop contacting him give me access to her facebook account delete him as a friend AND block him I have allready blocked his phone # from voice and text. if not im turning off the internet and she can start looking for another place to live. this is going to suck when she reads it but i have to be strong!! this is doing no one any good.


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## andybenoit (Oct 22, 2012)

well she is reading it now and im about to go confront her in person. here goes everything!


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## andybenoit (Oct 22, 2012)

went about as expected. she flipped out called her mom is now in the shower. i keep telling her to send him a message delete him and block him. she refuses yet still says she loves me. im just going to be firm on this. oh and i cut off her internet so she cant talk to him if she wants to send him a message she can from my computer. will update as this unfolds. and thank you again for helping give me the courage to do this.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

andybenoit said:


> I just found this board and looks like it has some good people with good ideas on it. let me get right into it
> 
> october 15th 2012 I had a sick feeling in my gut. out of the blue and something i have NEVER done before I checked her FB account. she has been having an emotional affair sense i think about July 2012. *they both makes sexual innuendos she has posted a mostly topless pic*. no pics from him that I saw. just *a lot of flirty banter like i wish i was laying next to you or I would love to read to you as i hold you in my arms.* she is a "book" girl and I am totally not into that. he is. on the 19th i intercepted a delivery from him to her. she had gotten weird about checking the mail like 3 times a day. it was a book from him to her with a piece of paper with page no. paragraph etc. information. I read the passage and it was some egotistical ranting on the human condition or something (book from the 60's) *she is adicted to Facebook and will not get off it. * I currently do not have a full time job and have been working odd jobs lately she is a stay at home mom. we have 2 kids 3 and 5 years old.
> 
> When i confronted her about the affair she just said it was a "writing project" she likes to write allot. but *when i asked why they both kept saying i love you to each other she shut down*. its been like pulling teeth to get her to open up about anything. she says she loves me and that *she has no plans to leave.* but i dont think i can cope with what she is continuing to do. I have thought about disconnecting the internet so she can't talk to him but i feel it would drive her away more. the only good thing about this is that he is in AZ and i am in GA. are there any guys out there that have gone through this without it leading to divorce? I love her and I can look past what happened but she wont open up to me!


She wants to keep you as her backup plan while she explores her new love relationship with other man. She is "in love" with other man. She loves you but is not "in love" with you. Ask her.

The relationship with the other man has not progressed to the point that she is ready to leave you for him yet, due to logistics, other man not having all his ducks in a row yet, her not having all her ducks in a row yet. She wants to get to that point. She probably would like to arrange a meeting with him in person, make sure he is a viable option, before she throws you overboard completely for him.

Emotional affairs grow strong very quickly. The longer you let this go on, the worse it will be.

Who is this guy? How did she meet him?

You are not going to rationally and logically convince her to end the emotional affair, which is a complete fantasy - no chores, no cleaning, no cooking, no screaming kids, no picking up other man's underwear off the floor - just I love you's, I want to hold you in my arms and read to you, too bad we didn't meet before we both married other people, life would be perfect if we were together, etc.

The way to break up a fantasy like that is to force the issue. If she doesn't want to end contact, tell her you want to put her on a plane and send her to the other man. Contact other man and tell him you're sending her over, she's his problem now. Tell her there's no way you tolerate your wife exchanging "I love you's" with another man, flirting with another man, and making sexual innuendos with another man. 

Tell her you cannot control her, you can only control yourself and what you are and what you are not willing to accept in a marriage, and those are things you definitely are NOT willing to accept. If she loves other man so much, and he loves her, she should go live with him and they should be together. If it's you she loves, you are not willing to tolerate her having any further contact with this other man with whom she's exchanging "I love you's." 

If she wants to stay with you, she gives up all contact with him. She handwrites him a no contact letter and you send it. She gives you total transparency for her communication devices and accounts so you can verify she no longer is in contact with him.

It's standard operating procedure for the cheater to pull out all the stops to keep the affair going. She will try to manipulate you every which way. She will try being nice, then she'll try being nasty, then she'll cry and say you're ruining her life and she's not doing anything wrong, then she'll say she loves you and you have nothing to worry about, then she'll say she's staying with her mother for awhile because you are such a bad husband, then she'll say you drove her to it and she wouldn't be doing it if she was getting what she needs from you. Her only goal will be to keep her affair going, and to keep you as a backup plan in case it doesn't work out. 

You have to stay strong and firm and stick to your demands. Depending on how deep she's in this, it will be a bumpy ride. If she's in too deep, you may not be able to save your marriage. There is no guarantee.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

andybenoit said:


> went about as expected. she flipped out called her mom is now in the shower. i keep telling her to send him a message delete him and block him. she refuses yet still says she loves me. im just going to be firm on this. oh and *i cut off her internet so she cant talk to him if she wants to send him a message she can from my computer.* will update as this unfolds. and thank you again for helping give me the courage to do this.


Very good move. I guess now she will have to go to mom's house to cheat on her husband via Facebook. If she does go to mom's to cheat on you, you should let your mother-in-law what is going on, including the sexual and romantic nature of her communication with the other man, and other man's name.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Wow, this guy must mean alot to her if she is this worked up. Ya its going to be tough but remember how to counter the "controlling label"?
And send her mother the text were she professes her love for OM....cuz believe me her mom is only getting half the story, beside exposeure is anther consequences and another tactic to make the EA as inconvienet and as uncomfortable as possible.

Your chick is telling her mom "how insecure and controlling you are and can I use your computer"

Be prepared for the withdrawls...breaking up is hard to do!

She told the OM she loved him also but does she want to be married to him.

Also, she loves you, but does she want to be married to you? Marriage offers security and stablity, something you have and the OM may not. OM is some book guy, who knows he maybe married or still living at home with his parents. Maybe some 15 year old kid!

My point is love is love(it looks like she loves 2 guys) but is she willing to drop everything and run off and risking her marriage?


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

ArmyofJuan said:


> Yes, but in my case I was the bad guy. I was flirting online with girls on MySpace (it was a while back) and while I didn’t get close to any one girl, it was highly inappropriate.
> 
> So what did my W do to get me to stop?
> 
> ...


Damn... You wife is a badass. :smthumbup:


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

andybenoit said:


> went about as expected. she flipped out called her mom is now in the shower. i keep telling her to send him a message delete him and block him. she refuses yet still says she loves me. im just going to be firm on this. oh and i cut off her internet so she cant talk to him if she wants to send him a message she can from my computer. will update as this unfolds. and thank you again for helping give me the courage to do this.


You are doing the right thing. Don't back down.... She is just acting like a child to get her way.... She is pretty deep, you may even have to be tougher with her... Do what ArmyofJuans wife did... Your W is disrespecting you, don't allow it


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I think it you better install a keylogger on the home computer


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

Bravo for taking quick decisive steps to save your marriage. 

She is addicted to the way this emotional affair is making her feel. She's not in love with him, she in love with the way he's making her feel. You need to snap her out of the "fog" and quit him cold turkey. She will lie to you and deceive you. Don't fall for her empty words. Look at her actions, not her words. 

Begin to start filling her emotional needs. This guy is obviously fulfilling some of her needs. Be that guy she married. Flirt with her. Give her compliments and words of affirmations. I'd suggest you start writing her letters. Tell her you will fight for her but you will never share her. Remind her of all the wonderful things you've shared together, all your "firsts. Remind her when you first kissed or when you first made love. These are real 
experiences, not some pipe dream fabricated in her mind. Make her remember why she chose to marry you, why she loves you. 

I know this is hard, especially when she's hurt and deceived you, but it's easier for her to hate you and rewrite history if you're mean and distant to her. 

If books are a big part of her life, I suggest you begin to like 
books. Just saying.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Silverlining said:


> Begin to start filling her emotional needs. This guy is obviously fulfilling some of her needs. Be that guy she married. Flirt with her. Give her compliments and words of affirmations. I'd suggest you start writing her letters. Tell her you will fight for her but you will never share her. Remind her of all the wonderful things you've shared together, all your "firsts. Remind her when you first kissed or when you first made love. These are real
> experiences, not some pipe dream fabricated in her mind. Make her remember why she chose to marry you, why she loves you.


What is this about men filling the great emotional void that women have? 

Andy, you try doing the above, you will come across as a begger, trying to beg his way back into a relationship. And believe you me, she will not want a relationship with someone like that. 

It isn't your job to snap her out of any fog. Your job, friend, is to snap yourself out of a situation you do not like to be in and if it means quitting "her" cold turkey then so be it.


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

Um Bjorn, 

I think he wants to keep his marriage. 

It is about his obligation to fill her emotional void. 
Needs (emotional, physical etc.) are to be filled by your spouse. 

This is not about being submissive, or being a hard azz. He needs to be the guy he is that made her fall in love with him in the first place. Once she realizes what a great guy she has at home, she will forget about Facebook guy. 

Let him ask his wife what she wants. She said she loves him. I'll bet she just doesn't feel that spark. He can stoke the fire or he can be cold, mean, and distant and see where that gets him. IMO


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

andybenoit said:


> went about as expected. she flipped out called her mom is now in the shower. i keep telling her to send him a message delete him and block him. she refuses yet still says she loves me. im just going to be firm on this. oh and i cut off her internet so she cant talk to him if she wants to send him a message she can from my computer. will update as this unfolds. and thank you again for helping give me the courage to do this.


Don't nbelieve what shes saying. If she did love you she would have cut contact and made amends. She'll find a way to contact him. 

She may need to start packing a bag.

Don't listen to silver lining, thats nothing but apologist crap that will makes you come across as begging her and a beta male. Its the wrong to do, especially when she hasn't recommitted to you yet.

This EA has to stop, it can't be tolerated in any shape or form or the marriage has no chance EVER. 

A poster on here recently by the name of Gabriel thought he could fix his marriage by having his wife stay in innocuous contact with her AP. Didn't work. Blew up in his face, but he handled it and cut it off.


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

@Kasler,

Have you read any of Dr. Harley's books? 

To tell the OP not to follow my advice is wrong and not what this forum is designed for. We are all here to help. No one answer is correct.

Ultimately, it's up to the OP to decide what course of action is best to save his marriage.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

There's no nicing anyone out of an A. You can't even begin to think about "meeting their emotional needs" when they are trying to F someone else, because their "emotional need" at that point is to F someone else.

You have to stop the A or cut the person off. If you stop the A, then you can try and figure out where things went wrong.


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