# Is it me overracting?



## Bianca Stella (Sep 26, 2017)

Hello everyone!
I am new here, I've been reading for weeks but today I decided to join.
Here is *"my thing"*
I've been married for almost 13 years to a very quiet and reserved man, he loves me and he is a good father to our 2 kids (7 and 4), he used to work part-time and now he has a full time job doing something meaningful and making twice the money he was making before. This is a blessing since I was the main breadwinner, which felt like a big load on my shoulders.

Now the bad part... he works with younger women and I made him tell me that he has fantasized about them and that he has looked at their fb pages to do so. I was so mad that I finally accepted his invitation to go and spend the day at work with him. I didn't see anything weird and I only saw 2 of the girls that he fantasized with (they both have bfs because I saw their profiles online). 

Somehow someway I am mortified by him going to work everyday and seeing these women, my jealousy goes thru the roof and I let him know. 

He was addicted to porn when he worked part-time but now he doesn't have the time anymore even though I know he looks at it in his car here and there. He also claims that all men fantasize abt coworkers and that is "no big deal" because he loves me and his family.
Am I overreacting or should I let it go? I do love him very much and I have also flirted in the past, right now I'm a little overweight but still turn "some" heads (never like I used to though).

Another thing is that he is very controlling but not jealous (never jealous, not even when I was a 9), I basically have no friends left because I've devoted myself to our relationship (we have an awesome time on weekends and we role play sometimes) but my insecurities due to his confession are taking a toll and I'm considering letting him go so I don't have the burden of his desire for his coworkers on my mind.

Thanks to whomever reads this and comments! Lovely to see the good spirited people here trying to help one another, now it's my turn. Thanks!


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## sissyphus (Feb 1, 2012)

Here's my 2cts. on this. every guy at one point or another watches porn. women are even watching porn these days because they can do it in the privacy of their homes. I work part time and there's a very attractive woman at work who occasionally flirts with me. Because I'm married, I know it'll never go any further. accuse me of being old fashion. you don't seem to mind getting some attention yourself, but have an issue with your husband fantasizing about a co-worker. I do agree that going on their fb page is a little extreme. you say he's controlling, but also say that he's quiet and reserve. you made him take you to his job. I'm confused about this. sounds more like your the controlling person. you say that he loves you and is a very good father to your kids. As long as the porn isn't affecting your love life negatively, or that he steps over the line with his co-workers I'd leave it alone. The fact that you have no friends because you have devoted your life to your family sounds like you might have an issue. In fact, after reading your post a second time, it sounds like you're trying to come up with excuses to leave him.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I would not needlessly worry.

If there ever starts to be a lull in your bedroom activities and he's keeping some rather unusual or abnormal work or business travel hours, I really wouldn't be all that concerned!*


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I agree that YOU sound like the controlling one. You MADE him tell you about his fantasies about these women?? Then made him take you to work so you could check these women out? Sounds to me like YOU are the one with the issues.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Bianca Stella said:


> Thanks to whomever reads this and comments! Lovely to see the good spirited people here trying to help one another, now it's my turn. Thanks!


I have a different take. I would also feel not very good if I learned that my wife sometimes fantasizes about her co-workers and goes as far as looking up their FB photos. However, feeling angry isn't the right response because your husband doesn't agree that he is doing anything wrong. The key is how often and how much times he spends fantasizing about these people. If they are fleeting, random images he conjures up in his mind, then it doesn't mean that he is more attracted to them than he is you. It is possible to fantasize about people who, if the opportunity presented itself in real life, we would have no interest to pursue it. 

Ask your husband to remind you of why he is attracted to you physically and ask him to stop looking up his coworkers on Facebook.


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## Bianca Stella (Sep 26, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> I agree that YOU sound like the controlling one. You MADE him tell you about his fantasies about these women?? Then made him take you to work so you could check these women out? Sounds to me like YOU are the one with the issues.


Noooooo! I didn't ask for an invitation, he had invited me months ago and I kept saying no.
Once I made him confess abt the girls at work is when I decided to go. 
But maybe I am controlling (to a certain extent).


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Bianca Stella said:


> Noooooo! I didn't ask for an invitation, he had invited me months ago and I kept saying no.
> Once I made him confess abt the girls at work is when I decided to go.
> But maybe I am controlling (to a certain extent).


I think your insecurities about your weight may be more problematic than you are admitting to.You seem overly concerned about not turning as many heads as you used to.
You said twice that you "made" him confess about his fantasies and also that you are considering "letting him go".Are you cutting off your nose to spite your face?You have not one iota of proof that he ever cheated or even considered doing so but you are considering breaking up over this.
I think he may have admitted to finding his co workers attractive just to get you off his back.


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