# Baby might not be mine...



## garthy4u (Jan 25, 2011)

I'll try to be brief. My mind has been everywhere but where it needs to be for the last few days. My wife of three years is pregnant. I wasn't exactly thrilled at first because I wasn't quite ready to have a child. She, on the other hand, had been hounding me for the last year saying she's ready, she's ready. Anyway, I finally decided that us having a child might not be the worst thing in the world, so we started trying.

She realized she was pregnant on New Year's Eve, and we've been going to the Ob/Gyn since getting check ups and everything seemed ok. I'd started warming up to the idea, then last week she confessed that she had a one-time threesome in December. As a result, the baby's paternity has become a toss-up. She said she used condoms, and it was just a mistake. For the most part, I do believe her, as I never would have thought she would have been the kind of person to even try a threesome, let alone try one outside of our marriage. She's not that adventurous at the best of times and usually needs a good bit of coaxing to try new things. 

So now, we're at a cross-roads. She wants to have an abortion to remove all doubt, but it's actually more challenging than it might sound. She's too far along now for any of the local doctors to do anything about it, and we would have to travel at a not too insignificant cost to try to get this thing done, which is not a certainty. Depending on what the doctor finds, he may/may not decide to go ahead with it, in which case we'll be in the same predicament, with money out of our pockets.

There's also the complications that may arise out of an abortion. As much as I feel such anger toward her now, I would probably die if something happened to her. I can forgive the cheating, but it's this baby that has me feeling sick to my stomach. 

Has anyone here been in a similar situation? How did you handle it? I feel like counseling might be a better option to help us get through this. She seems to want to "easy" out that would spare her the embarrassment of both our families finding out about her infidelity. Advice, please, if you can.

Thanks


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

How far along according to the ob/gyn is she? If she had that one night stand in the 1st week of December (and got pregnant then), she would be onto the 8th week. I thought in the US elective abortion is allowed up to 12 weeks.


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## lost all respect (Jan 20, 2011)

So she screwed up, your willing to forgive her but the baby must pay the price?

Is it possible the race of the baby will be in doubt so that people will know it isn't yours...thus the embarrassment you speak of? What if it is yours? Could you live with knowing you terminated a child's life...which is at least half of your wife's?

I think if your wife is feeling any guilt regarding the affair, that might be compounded with terminating the pregnancy. IDK....just my initial thoughts.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

But the kid up for adabtion. You are both nuts to think abortion is the way out. Until you find out for sure if the baby is yours let they baby have a chance.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

hi---
sorry you are faceing this tough decision.

i see two ways, real cut and dry----

you decide right here and right now, that is raising that makes your child yours its the manners that you instill, values, morals. a nose dosent make a difference when you have raised a good person who does the right thing. if its a boy, that boy will learn how to treat women from you, and how to solve probs with thinking and having respect. a girl will learn what a hussband should be, how to be selective. have good self esteme, and a good body image. 

OPITON #2
walk away. dont try. dont get involved. put it off on the other people, or just dissapear. keep thinking its too hard and why get involved with a baby that MIGHT not be yours...why sppend one single dime. this child will not affect you, wont grow up with anger issues that a gun and a large group wont solve.


im not tring to be cruel, but this is the future you face. for the next 18 years you will influence, and after that will compare their decision against what knowledge you have instilled in them. if there is no knowledge to pull from.....snap decisions will be made. althought, if there is knowledge to pull for, stupid decisions can stil be made, but knowing that there are 2 disssaointed parents to atone to, makes one think twice.

its a baby, its still a part of her.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

In California she can give up the baby right at the hospital, no questions asked. In the first day or two after giving birth.

BTW, I suspect she pushed hard to have a baby because she knew she was pregnant already. She has a secret life.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You mentioned she used condems (plural), so I take it there will be you and two other guys That will need to be M tested?

Have you gotten tested for any STD's?


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## garthy4u (Jan 25, 2011)

michzz said:


> In California she can give up the baby right at the hospital, no questions asked. In the first day or two after giving birth.
> 
> BTW, I suspect she pushed hard to have a baby because she knew she was pregnant already. She has a secret life.


No, the baby push has been for the last 12-18 months, not just the other day. Adoption is not even an option. There will simply be too many people to answer to regarding that option. We both have relatively large, fairly close families that already know about, and are looking forward to a new member. I honestly could not bear to disappoint my parents, brothers & sister. 



> How far along according to the ob/gyn is she? If she had that one night stand in the 1st week of December (and got pregnant then), she would be onto the 8th week. I thought in the US elective abortion is allowed up to 12 weeks.


I don't live in the US. Around here, few doctors are willing to abort after 6 weeks.



> So she screwed up, your willing to forgive her but the baby must pay the price?
> 
> Is it possible the race of the baby will be in doubt so that people will know it isn't yours...thus the embarrassment you speak of? What if it is yours? Could you live with knowing you terminated a child's life...which is at least half of your wife's?
> 
> I think if your wife is feeling any guilt regarding the affair, that might be compounded with terminating the pregnancy. IDK....just my initial thoughts.


Abortion was her idea from the get go. As to the race issue, I don't think that, in itself, is a problem. There is some embarrassment that might come with the territory if, for whatever reason, the child bears absolutely no resemblance. As for the rights/wrongs or feelings about abortion, I have my own take on that matter which I won't expound on but to say until that child is born, it's life takes second priority to that of my wife.

As I said, I'm torn on the abortion issue. I am thinking of us getting counselling to try to get through this so we can move on. I still love my wife and she's a big part of the life that I'm trying to make. Walking out was never an option. Also, this might run counter to the very essence of this message board, but I do believe sex is just sex and that it is society that has really placed such a large burden on us and it. I was truly disappointed that she did it, but I never got angry. The anger came when there began to be doubt about who's child it is. I had also been worrying whether I had a low sperm count or low motility or even if I could father children. I had been thinking of going to a fertility specialist this year since we had been trying for a few months without results. Then she got pregnant, so I discounted that idea.

Anyway, thanks for the replies. It is really good to be able to actually share with someone. We live in a very small place (population 15,000-20,000) in which I worry about what telling even my closest friend might do to our reputation within the community. I do believe that sharing is important, which is why I am considering counseling.

Thanks, again.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

counseling should be a must, it will help out alot


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## garthy4u (Jan 25, 2011)

the guy said:


> You mentioned she used condems (plural), so I take it there will be you and two other guys That will need to be M tested?
> 
> Have you gotten tested for any STD's?


Just one guy & another girl.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You can have genetic test done on the fetus when it is old enough. They remove some fluid from around the baby and can test the cells that the baby sheds. If you are concerned about the local GYN, you can go to the nearest large city. 

This will not change the outcome of the parentage but knowing for sure will give you time to work things out. 

I would also get tested for STD. If she believes she is pregnant from the encounter, there must have been some exchange of fluid. The possibility for transmission of STD is present.


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## garthy4u (Jan 25, 2011)

I'd considered pre-natal testing, but if we won't be able to do anything about it, then I don't see much in the way of it helping, beyond easing some tension. Either way, we will have to keep the child. I'd probably just get a straightforward test after birth for health records issues - transfusions, transplants, things like that. 
We are going to counseling tomorrow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thats great garth, it also awsome that she is on board with that. So many DS won't go, so you are a step above most. 

Take the time and go through some old posts/threads, there are a few fellas that are in the same boat. "josh" was around Sept. =/- a month and "shaun" (i think ) was..... maybe in Oct. Sorry I'm not exactly sure. Maybe someone out there can correct me.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Talk to the OB/GYN people about testing the fetus' DNA. If she used condoms it's very likely your baby anyway.

Confirm with the other people that a threesome took place. Get to the bottom of that barrel of monkeys.

In general though when women screech they want a baby... nature finds a way. Be advised.


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## LuckyCharmH (Jan 4, 2010)

if you dont mind me asking, what country you are from? and how the three..some happened? is it with people you know? are they from the same town? and why did it happen?
as of for the child, you decided to forgive her that means the child is yours and your responsibility with no other choice. other wise you need to come up to your family and tell them the truth and walk a way from your wife and the baby.


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

the guy said:


> Thats great garth, it also awsome that she is on board with that. So many DS won't go, so you are a step above most. Take the time and go through some old posts/threads, there are a few fellas that are in the same boat. "josh" was around Sept. =/- a month and "shaun" (i think ) was..... maybe in Oct. Sorry I'm not exactly sure. Maybe someone out there can correct me.


My wife had her baby in October. She's also moving out in a few weeks. 
Remember garth, just because you might be of a mind to move forward with her after the baby is born doesn't mean she will be. Go to counselling together and work together if it's what you want. If it's not for you then by all means go. Pregnancy is not a time to waver in a relationship because lifestyles need to change.
If you decide to do this then I hope your wife doesn't do what mine did and change how she feels after the baby is born. She said it broke her heart when she saw he wasn't mine, and hasn't recovered.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## garthy4u (Jan 25, 2011)

She said it was with people that I did not know. The other persons were married as well (not to each other). My wife said she did it to not be "chicken" in her words, as the others were up for doing it. In some ways the dumbest reason ever. Doing it because it would be fun is more acceptable to me. Not because someone might think you're too coward. 

Frankly, it is situations like this why it seems to be so much worse when women cheat. There is so much more anguish and embarrassment when it goes awry. 

I am still thinking how to hold the other person responsible should it turn out the child is not mine. On the one hand, I'd have a hard time controlling myself if he decided to even think about coming around us. On the other hand, why should he get a free pass? My marriage is going thru sh-t, he had his 3some fantasy plus zero consequences. Sounds like too good a deal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Holy [email protected]! I've heard about peer pressure but this is ridiculous


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## garthy4u (Jan 25, 2011)

reachingshore said:


> Holy [email protected]! I've heard about peer pressure but this is ridiculous


I know, right
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Garth, you need to end this farce now. She is trying to get you to pay for her pleasure. Has she shown any remorse for the "three-some",? Has she shown any guilt for betraying your trust? Why would you raise another man's kid? Allowing him a free ride, so to speak. Are you your own man, or are you your wife's doormat?


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

Dowjones said:


> Garth, you need to end this farce now. She is trying to get you to pay for her pleasure. Has she shown any remorse for the "three-some",? Has she shown any guilt for betraying your trust? Why would you raise another man's kid? Allowing him a free ride, so to speak. Are you your own man, or are you your wife's doormat?



Sorry Garth, Dow may have been blunt but I agree with him. This story of the threesome doesn't ring true. If she used a condom why does she think she is pregnant? Doing not to be chicken? 

Something smells fishy. I would do some major digging if I were you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I agree start digging, find out who these poeple are.


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## garthy4u (Jan 25, 2011)

She's finally fessed up to who the guy is, but she doesn't know the female. Strangely, I'm not too interested in her. The male, however, is someone that I know. That hurts just that bit more than if it was a stranger. Having to see someone who has been with your wife on the odd occasion will certainly make moving on more difficult. Also, I kinda had a chuckle when I found out who it was. It was kinda sad that she chose him, of all people, to step out with. 

We're both open to fixing this and I want there to be openness. Any suggestions on how we can work on fixing this?


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## garthy4u (Jan 25, 2011)

Also, how does one go about rebuilding trust? I must admit to being the blindingly trusting spouse and, credit to her, she had never given me reason in the previous 7 years we've been together (married 3), to not trust her. The trust was implicit. 

How do we go back to anything even remotely close to that?


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

garthy4u said:


> She's finally fessed up to who the guy is, but she doesn't know the female. Strangely, I'm not too interested in her. The male, however, is someone that I know. That hurts just that bit more than if it was a stranger. Having to see someone who has been with your wife on the odd occasion will certainly make moving on more difficult. Also, I kinda had a chuckle when I found out who it was. It was kinda sad that she chose him, of all people, to step out with.
> 
> We're both open to fixing this and I want there to be openness. Any suggestions on how we can work on fixing this?


So how long did this guy work on her to get her to do this?

Women very rarely have sex accidently.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

TanelornPete and Affaircare have some really good ideas on where to start rebuilding integrity in your marriage. For starters, she must be willing to do the work needed to rebuild your trust, and you must be willing to work on your issues that helped to contribute to this mess, and you both need to communicate, communicate, communicate. She will need to be transparent about the affair, and willing to tell you ANYTHING you need to know, and she must have no contact with either of the other people.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You do not want to go back to the way things once were. It will not happen. 

The both of you need to address this issue and and change your behaviors. 

She can not expect you to be that person with this blinding trust, and you can not expect her to be that unadventureous person you once knew.

You want this expectation of the pure wife in the white wedding dress, while she will want this expectation of having this husband with unconditional trust. These expectations are way behond reach since these current events have occurred.

See I think the both of you need to address this issue and understand why it happened. If she can be honest...

For examble she can admitt that she just wanted to experiment new things. or admit to just having some excitement, then you can both provide the void in the marraige by being more exciting or eperimenting in side the marraige.

The point is that she had a threesome b/c of XYZ, finding out what that XYZ is, and why it was not in the marraige and addressing it or resolving it. Preventing it from happening again by understanding it. This will give a new marraige with the same people but with different behaviors and understandings, even different expectation.

This has worked out for me and my cheating wife. See, we now have a new marriage, diferent behaviors, new boundries, and expectation that we both can meet.

My wife except the fact that I will need to investiget her activities, this helps me heal and build trust. She understands she no longer has the privacy she once had. I except that my wife is no longer that pure wife I married 20 years ago. Even though she wasn't a virgin when I met her, you know the whole perfect spouse kind of thing is gone. We except these facts and these are the consequences of her past behaviors.

Bottom line it will never be the same and in the same breath those unhealth behaviors are also gone.

So good luck in finding that void in the marriage that created this threesome and understand it. You will over come this and hopfully create an new marraige with the same person.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

You have two problems - the pregnancy and her cheating.

For the pregnancy: If she's telling the truth... if she had sex only one time with a condom with him, there's a very good chance that the baby is your baby. I don't know how you could continue to be married to a woman that aborts what might be your baby. After it's done, you would wonder for the rest of your life if she killed your baby.

I advise either getting a paternity test on the fetus as soon as one can be done medically per the OB doctor, or waiting until the birth and doing one. If the baby isn't yours, then it could be adopted out and if it is yours, then life continues on. The earlier you guys know, the easier the emotional trial will be if you have to adopt.

The second problem is of course the cheating. I do suspect that the rabbit hole is deeper on this than she has let on. No one, has an accidental threesome that just happens on the spur of the moment.

I know that it is very hard to hear this now, but over time you need to find what it was in you / your relationship that she was lacking that made outside sex appealing to her. Obviously if she's doing a threesome she has a much greater need for sexual excitement than you knew, and possibly than she knew as well.

You seem to have a groaning thought towards the guy she was with. My hunch is that he's a bit of an ******* / ladies man / player. In general we describe a man like that as having "Alpha Traits" and that is possibly something you lack a little. These are things that you can learn and adapt for yourself in a marriage. My apologies if that's going out on a limb a little, I only have in information here that you give me.

The other option is simply to say "thanks for playing" and file for divorce as soon as possible. If an "at fault" divorce option is available in your state then do that. There's a possibility that you will manage avoid having to pay child support if the baby isn't yours if you take prompt legal action, though naturally you would if it is (and that seems reasonably likely that it is so).

The one hope I have is that she was at least honest about the possibility of it not being yours. Most women would never tell you. She had nothing to gain by telling you, just the risk of losing everything between you.


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

Atholk said:


> She had nothing to gain by telling you, just the risk of losing everything between you.


Unless of course the baby is of a different race to yours, as has been mentioned before.


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

I'm sorry you are going through this. I have a son who is now 11 that my H has raised since birth and it is not his child. You can tell too, my H is Native American Indian my son is blonde and blue eyes. 

Remember that baby is innocent. I won't say it was not hard , the good thing is My son's real dad has never been in the picture. 

Do some real good soul searching. I'm sure you will make the right decision


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

If it is not yours and you do decide to stay together and raise the child, remember:
Any idiot with a pair between his legs can become a father, but it takes a real man to earn the right to be called "dad".


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

jamesa said:


> Unless of course the baby is of a different race to yours, as has been mentioned before.


That is quite possible too.

Considering she was actively trying to get pregnant to her husband during the same time period, having sex with someone of a different race is just utterly stupid. I think I'd divorce for just that factor alone. I'd just be too embarrassed to be associated with her.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I would agree with divorce. She is a very selfish person trying to bring a child into the world and having threesomes. She has values inconsistent with Motherhood. I'd divorce. I'd assume it was not my baby until proven otherwise. If it was proven to be my baby, I'd go for 100% custody.


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

You realize that almost ALL people that engage in affairs lie and minimize.

If your wife had PROTECTED sex on ONE occasion, I don't think she would have been so apt to abort.

I think she has a STRONG suspicion the baby is not yours.....woman know these things better that we do.
They know the timing of the last sex encounter and when the period was missed EXACTLY.

For her to suspect this, she likely had UNprotected sex.
She also may have been doing this more than once.

It's called the Trickle truth.

If she had PROTECTED sex, I think you would never have even learned of this one time mistake.
I also think if she had ONE TIME PROTECTED sex, that she would URGE a paternity test rather than suggest aborting.

I could be wrong, but I think she is lying to you.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Yeah she absolutely knows it's not yours.


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

bluesky said:


> You realize that almost ALL people that engage in affairs lie and minimize.
> 
> If your wife had PROTECTED sex on ONE occasion, I don't think she would have been so apt to abort.
> 
> ...




I agree with this 


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

A warning please to all posters. The moderators have over the past few weeks deleted threads, warned and banned posters for the continue male/female running gun battles on TAM. While we do desire thought provoking opinions and insights from our own and opposite sex, please refrain from name calling, member calling out and stereotypical or generalized statements to any gender, sexual orientation, race, religion.... Also these exchanges usually result in a hyjack of the thread and the OP's questions or concerns. Thanks

The Moderators.


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## garthy4u (Jan 25, 2011)

Hello everyone. I haven't been following my own thread much in these last few months. I've actually been trying to sort out my life and also dealing with some other issues such as starting a business. 

Anyway, just to update. We did have an abortion in February. To some extent, it has gone a long way to helping us move forward. She wants to start trying again, but I tell her I'm not ready. 

It's been almost 4 months now and, although I am trying to get my head in the right place, I do have bad days. I get so angry and irritable on these days. It doesn't help that she doesn't seem to appreciate what I go am going through. She asks that I try to make her understand and I don't know how to do that. A part of me says "Really? I should have to tell you that stuff like this doesn't just disappear?". Another part of me thinks she is being sincere, if not lacking a bit of perceptiveness.

Today is the most recent "bad day". I've been trying to communicate how I feel to her and her response has been that I need to just get over it already. One point she keeps repeating is that there's nothing she can do to change what happened. Duh, I think. Who can change the past?

I want to feel that there is genuine remorse on her part. I get there is some embarrassment, probably some regret that she isn't getting to have a baby, which she wants. I don't truly get that she understands what it did to me.

How can we move forward in the hopes of getting past this.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Garthy you have to decide can you forgive her , if you can you must let the anger go, not because you have foregiven her but it is harming you. Are you in a place that you can continue being married to her, again if this is a no or maybe move on now, stop the anguish and pain it is not doing anyone any good. If the answer is yes then there are a number of processes to help you and your wife repair the damage, many marriages do recover and are in a good place. 

Decide what option you want and make the call. If it is a yes read "his needs her needs" by Harley it gives you a start, post your thoughts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey G---your wife doesn't wanna do the heavy lifting---there has to be some accountability, or the rest of your mge., is gonna be just as it is now---

You fighting your demons, she trying to walk away from, what she knew was wrong, yet participated anyway

What I think you had better investigate is, is what she did the tip of an iceberg---of which you know nothing about

She had her 3some, and the ONLY REASON YOU FOUND OUT ABOUT IT WAS DUE TO THE PATERNITY ISSUE

BUT FOR that issue---you would still have no knowledge of her having sex with this stranger---HOW MANY OTHERS HAS SHE DONE THIS WITH, that you don't know about

Please do not tell me about trust and you believe her---remember---she came home to you every night--looked you straight in the eyes, and said everything was fine---even as she cheated, and then hid her deception

IMHO, you better be very wary about what your wife is all about!!!!!!!


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## garthy4u (Jan 25, 2011)

Thanks a lot for the reply Eli. I do want to remain married, and I suppose that's why I'm having a hard time. Also, if it is that deep down I haven't forgiven her, how can I get closer to this? I feel like I have, but who knows what my subconscious is thinking? 

Also, I get the feeling she might feel that I'm dwelling on it. I don't want to. How do you guys deal with these bad days? When I get mine, they're the loneliest of all. From all I've read of other people's experiences, these do happen from time to time. How do I get past the pain on these days?


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

How can you NOT dwell on it? If she keeps telling you to forget about it without really dealing with it- that's rug sweeping. This doesn't help your healing process. You have to lay it all out on the table and deal with it RIGHT NOW! If she can't do that for you, then it isn't worth saving, in my opinion.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

garthy4u said:


> It's been almost 4 months now and, although I am trying to get my head in the right place, I do have bad days. I get so angry and irritable on these days.


What you are feeling is completely normal. You are in the anger stage right now, previously you were in the shock/denial/survival stage. After you leave the anger stage, you will reach the depression, and then finally the acceptance stage. This is all part of the grieving process after you have been betrayed. Most people hit the anger stage between 3-6 month after finding out the betrayal. So where you are at right now is completely normal.



garthy4u said:


> It doesn't help that she doesn't seem to appreciate what I go am going through. She asks that I try to make her understand and I don't know how to do that. A part of me says "Really? I should have to tell you that stuff like this doesn't just disappear?".


Reminder her that recovering from infidelity/betrayal takes on average *2-5 YEARS*. 



garthy4u said:


> Another part of me thinks she is being sincere, if not lacking a bit of perceptiveness.


She cannot feel what you are going through because she was not the one who was betrayed.



garthy4u said:


> Today is the most recent "bad day". I've been trying to communicate how I feel to her and her response has been that I need to just get over it already. One point she keeps repeating is that there's nothing she can do to change what happened. Duh, I think. Who can change the past?


Do not allow her to tell you to get over it already. Remind her it takes 2-5 years to recover from this. She is attempting to rug sweep, which is what most cheaters do because they dont want to face what they have done. This alone tells you she is not ready for R. A truly remorseful spouse will have no problem discussing this with you and comforting you and helping you through this. Dont let her sweep this under the rug.



garthy4u said:


> I want to feel that there is genuine remorse on her part. I get there is some embarrassment, probably some regret that she isn't getting to have a baby, which she wants. I don't truly get that she understands what it did to me.
> 
> How can we move forward in the hopes of getting past this.


You will no when there is true remorse. But its hard to say because you haven't given much details. When I first read this thread, you said she admitted to a threesome. Okay, the first thing you need to realize is that cheaters lie and they minimize. This is called *TRICKLE TRUTH*. You have only discovered the tip of the iceberg. Somone advised you to start digging, what did you find out? Did you expose the A to OMs betrayed wife?

You see, you CANNOT move forward without complete disclosure from her. Because you cannot forgive unless you know what you are forgiving. You may not need to know the dirty details of the A, but at least you should know the general details, like why did she do this? How and when did this start? How many times did they do it? Did they use protection? Whatever the case, DO NOT BELIEVE THAT IT WAS ONLY ONE TIME. If I could get a dollar for everytime that I've read that the WS said they only did it one time and they used protection, I would be a millionaire. Find out the truth! She needs to write out a timeline and provide full disclosure so that you know what you are forgiving, IF that's what you want to do.

You also need to know if the A is over or not. That means you need to monitor her and she needs to be completely transparent. A truly remorseful spouse will be transparent and willingly hand over all passwords to all accounts and emails in an effort to regain your trust. If she isn't willingly transparent, then she isnt truly remorseful and she WILL DO IT AGAIN. You need to install a keylogger and possibly get a VAR (Voice Activated Recorder).

*Remember, a truly remorseful spouse who wants to repair the marriage, will want to be transparent and will have no problem with you monitoring them because they want to earn back your trust!!! Remember that. *

If you want example here's mine: One of the things my fWW used to do is call the OM on her way home from work and continue talking to him when she walked in the door. She got away with that because she speaks a different dialect from me. This is a huge trigger for me. Now, if she is on her cell phone when coming home from work, she puts it on speaker phone so that I know who exactly she is talking to. *This is something that I NEVER ASKED HER TO DO*, I never made it a requirement. But she does this because she is remorseful and wants to put my mind at ease. She is going above and beyond in order to regain my trust.


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## Ronin (Mar 18, 2011)

You got a get out of jail free card and you stayed in the cell. You should have had her served with the divorce papers right outside the obgyn clinic. She knew that baby wasnt yours, thats why she wanted it aborted. Women who "pressure for a baby" want that baby at all costs. She got rid of the evidence of her affair and now youre "working it out" like the good little beta cuckold that you are. She was doing WAY more than she told you, because people who cheat lie and minimize. Better you than me. Millions of women in the world and you want to rebuild a broken relationship with a woman who would have a kinky sexual act with two people on the premise of "not being a chicken" what is she 12? Some of you guys amaze me. She got to have her cake and eat it to and you went right along with it. Congratulations on being the town moron. FYI, it was another man's child. He got the kinky fun sex, you get the worthless lying ****ty wife. AND YOU'RE CONSIDERING "TRYING AGAIN" Amazing.... just amazing.

Ronin


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Ronin,

I doubt that your attempts to shame and humiliate him are going to succeed. But you do make a good point that he'd better stop looking at the situation through rose colored glasses and look at it more objectively.

garthy4u,

Ronin does make a good point that a mature woman does not act like at 12 year old who does stupid things because they taunt her at being a 'chicken'. She has some very personal issues that she needs to address and resolve through professional counseling if she is ever to mature into a woman capable of being in a committed relationship.

Don't put pressure on yourself to remain in the marriage. Even religions allow for divorce when infidelity rears its ugly head. Be of the mindset that the marriage is on probation and that you have the right to divorce her in order for you to heal from the ordeal.


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## Ronin (Mar 18, 2011)

I'm not attempting to shame or humiliate him. I'm merely giving him the unobstructed view of how I see his choices and I'm sure a lot of people would agree. I may not be politically correct, but I'm not here making up things either. When men stop allowing women to behave this way, and upon discovery they immediately terminate the relationship, women will stop doing this. It is condoned by weak men, and that's why women continue to do it.

Ronin


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Depending on the country, between 10 and 18% of men are not the biological father of the children they thought they were. There was a survey in New Zealand indicating the local numbers could be as high as 25%.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Ronin said:


> I'm not attempting to shame or humiliate him. I'm merely giving him the unobstructed view of how I see his choices and I'm sure a lot of people would agree. I may not be politically correct, but I'm not here making up things either. When men stop allowing women to behave this way, and upon discovery they immediately terminate the relationship, women will stop doing this. It is condoned by weak men, and that's why women continue to do it.
> 
> Ronin


Ronin,

I took a tough stance and divorced my wife, not because I thought I would be weak, beta male, cuckold if I stayed with her but because despite my love for her, I would be unable to forgive her. She cried and pleaded to me on her hands and knees to give her another chance. To say that I wasn't tempted would be a lie. *But let me tell you, it hurt like hell when I finally signed off on those final divorce papers.*

I do agree with you that women have contempt for weak and weak acting men. That is why the 180 degree protocols are the answer for most LS. With them, most LS gain emotional strength to move on with their lives with or without their DS. It focuses on the personal recovery of the LS which is more important than any possible marital recovery.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Depending on the country, between 10 and 18% of men are not the biological father of the children they thought they were. There was a survey in New Zealand indicating the local numbers could be as high as 25%.


DNA testing has brought it's own insights. In the UK they reckon as many as one in 15 children are not the husband's child. Quite frightening really.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

garthy4u said:


> Today is the most recent "bad day". I've been trying to communicate how I feel to her and her response has been that I need to just get over it already.


Garthy does that make you feel as though you somehow “Don’t exist” as far as your wife is concerned? That you are standing there in front of her but she cannot see you? And because of that do you feel as though you are having some form of crisis of identity?

What your wife is doing to you is called “Minimising the affect” of her behaviour on you. People who do this have absolutely zero, zilch, nada EMPATHY. It is empathy that let’s us feel another’s pain almost as though we are experiencing their pain ourselves. If she could feel your pain through her empathy then she would most certainly be REMORSEFUL about what she has done to you.

But she has no empathy so she cannot feel your pain. People without empathy have very serious and very deep psychological problems.

Bob


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You don't feel safe enough to have a baby. And you shouldn't. You should be hearing from her extreme regret, empathy, and a constant willingness to demonstrate that she is willing to take whatever steps are required to make you feel safe from betrayal. This is her responsibility to make right, not your responsiblity to "get over it'. Hold her accountable to what you require from her. The kicker is, if you don't stand up for this your wife will always view you as weak and unattractive. She will know that she betrayed you and then steamrolled over you in her need to have a baby. She will know that she is strong and you are weak. Right now any attraction she has to you is because she wants a baby. That will die immediately once the baby comes.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The thread lives!!!!

garth,
It never goes away, it will get to a point were it's just a bad memory, that you live with. Even if you bail it will be like a death in the family. A memory that had its good times and its bad times. I reflect for a moment, and I move on with the positive thoughts of healthier behaviors....for both of us. 
When the dark thought enters I focus on what got us there in the first place then I think about were we want to be in the future.

For me I look at the good that my cheating wife has done since I confronted her. She is my cheating wife...I face the fact that she is capable of doing it again but we both except the responsablity to prevent it.

There is no way for her to understand, they just cant. Thats my take. IDK

I do know one thing I have no were near the amount of remorse my wife has. She has to go to her grave as an adultor..I don't.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Dude... you got another chance to be happy with SOMEONE else. Take it and RUN, my friend. You don't need the aggravation of this continuing saga. Cut your losses and RUN!


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