# What Would Be Your Dealbreakers in A New Relationship?



## arbitrator

*Name and discuss any inherent personal dealbreakers that you would deem to be appropriate within the confines of say, entering into a new relationship with a member of the opposite sex!*


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## WildMustang

Abuse of any kind

Addictions (drug, alcohol, porn, gambling, shopping etc.)

Laziness 

Personality Disorders


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## WildMustang

Abuse of any kind

Addictions (drug, alcohol, porn, gambling, shopping)

Laziness 

Personality Disorders

Mismatched sexually

Not having a mutual and reciprocal relationship 

Low intelligence and also low emotional intelligence


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## 269370

arbitrator said:


> *Name and discuss any inherent personal dealbreakers that you would deem to be appropriate within the confines of say, entering into a new relationship with a member of the opposite sex!*




I always tried to avoid The Crazy, which is typically characterised by those three things: stubbornness, self-righteousness and stupidity = very very bad combination for men in my experience...


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## Lila

Financially strapped

Mental/personality disorders including anxiety and depression

Physically unhealthy

Addictions of any kind (drugs, alcohol, gaming, pornography)

Very young children

Insecurity, illogical jealousy, controlling personality

Extreme introversion/ anti social


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## personofinterest

I'd add laziness, excessive arrogance, lack of sex drive


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## Laurentium

Smoking

Couch potato

Lack of direction in life

Black-and-white mindset


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## arbitrator

*My primary ones would have to be:

Current or Prior Unfaithfulness

Inability to Apologize When Wrong

Overpowering and/or Abhorrent Personality

Aversion to/Using Sex as a Negotiation Ploy 

Poor Child Rearing Skills

Unbelief in God

Unkempt and Untidy

Narrow-mindedness 

Prolific Worrying

Lack of Genuine Empathy or Warmth

Hates Children and Elders

Personally Uses or Condones Drug and Excessive Alcohol Usage

Uses Money or Sex as a Commodity

*


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## Personal

Has any mental illness or mental disorders, since broken people suck at relationships.
Religious belief of any kind and or a belief in (a) deity/s, since we really wouldn't play well together.
Likes watching any sport or listening to country music, because that is boring.
Wants children or more children or has young children, since children are boring.
Smokes, because ewww.
Gambles, since that's just so boring.
Doesn't have an attractive face. Since for the most part I will spend most of my time, talking to or facing my partner and not being pretty sux.
Has issue with nudity, erotica and or pornography, because wowsers are boring.
Has issue with me or others painting and drawing pictures, of different naked men and women. Since again wowsers are boring.
Won't pose naked so I can draw and paint pictures of them, because that's what I do.
Doesn't like music by Nick Cave or PJ Harvey, cause really!!!!
Is lame at sex, because being good at sex is a thing.
Won't do anal, oral and plenty of other things, since that would be boring.
Isn't highly desirous of sex, since I've already got platonic friends.
Has pets, because life is easier without them.


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## Andy1001

If she isn’t physically fit,beautiful and clean we wouldn’t even have a first date much less a relationship.
If she wants tattoos then that’s my biggest relationship dealbreaker.
She has to be into some sort of physical activity and she must have a high libido.
She must want children.
No mind games or using sex as a bargaining tool.
No drugs or smoking.Drinking alcohol on occasion is fine by me.
Exclusivity,I don’t share.


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## personofinterest

This thread has already been illuminating and explains so much lol


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## EllisRedding

These would be my automatic dealbreakers that would rule out even starting a new relationship:

- Has been unfaithful

- If she has (or previously had) a penis

- Does not view sex as a critical part of a relationship

- Any sort of addict (drug / alcohol, etc...)

- Any sort of mental disorder (depression, etc...)

- Smokes 

- Has a mullet

- High maintenance

- Insists on having cats

- Birth name was Fred

- Different religious denomination

- Too serious / poor sense of humor (wouldn't last a minute with me lol)

Things that could jeopardize:

- Has a rather extensive sexual past

- Tattoos 

- Overweight (I rather a woman have a little extra vs being skinny, but there is a point where too much weight is not attractive or healthy)

- Yankees fan

- Very extroverted (as an introvert this would be exhausting)

- Calls Memes "Me Me"


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## Personal

EllisRedding said:


> - Has a mullet


Yeah that right there, should be a dealbreaker for every single human being on the planet (including those who have them).


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## Spicy

Off the top my head: 

-Has mental or emotional issues
-Is a cheater 
-Is a dirty/gross person 
-Smokes
-Lazy
-Is in debt 
-Doesn’t share my opinion on the importance of financial planning. 
-Doesn’t like animals or kids 
-Hates being outide
-Unwilling to travel 
-Core beliefs opposing mine. 
-Has horrible family/friends and they are always at his house. 
-Is completely estranged from family and friends (red flag). 
-Is unattractive to me


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## TJW

EllisRedding said:


> - Has a rather extensive sexual past
> - Very extroverted (as an introvert this would be exhausting)


The poll asks for "most egregious", but in my own mind, these two would "break" any new relationship I approached..... but I'm not "looking"....


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## personofinterest

It is always interesting to see these lists, and to compare the lists associated with character and core values to the lists associated with appearance, external habits, and kinkiness. And I say that as a highly sexual woman with a hot husband lol


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## Rowan

Assuming a man meets my personal threshold for basic characteristics (looks, intelligence, grammar, manners, etc.), such that I'd agree to go out with him in the first place, my immediate deal breakers thereafter would be:
A history of infidelity
Abusive behavior of any type 
Active addictions of any type
Personality disorders
Mental illness
Financial instability
Poor hygiene
Poor sense of humor​
Beyond those, there are a thousand and one issues that might make us incompatible as long-term partners. But those are my immediate breakers for anyone I might potentially consider a relationship with.


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## uhtred

Not so easy to list, but I guess for me:

Cruelty - a desire to cause harm to others, or a lack of caring about the suffering of others when it is in their power to fix that suffering. Applies to feelings toward animals as well. 

Selfishness - not caring about others (including me) while trying to do better for themselves

Minefield personality: I can't live with someone if I have to preview every sentence I say for fear that I might deeply offend them.

Closed mindedness. 

Mental illness. I'm sorry, while I feel deeply for people suffering from mental illness, I could not live with someone who had significant issues.

Lack of passion - about life, about sex, everything. I need my partner to be alive and enthusiastic. 

Lack of sexual interest: (sorry, having lived with this, this would be important to me).

Stupidity. I don't nee a partner to be "educated" but they need to be able to think, talk, have ideas. 

Current drug / alcohol use, beyond a very minimal level. 


Things I don't care much about (that most people do)

Infidelity. I prefer not, but honestly I'd take a passionate woman who occasionally had an affair over one with limited interest in sex. As long as its agreed that infidelity is *bad* , but not relationship ending bad, I'm OK with it.


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## FalCod

I don't care for current and prior drug use being conflated. If I met someone wonderful that was doing drugs, I'd stay away (rule #1 - Stay away from crazy). If I met someone that dig drugs 20 years ago, has recovered, and has been clean and sober since then, I wouldn't be overly concerned.


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## Spicy

Oh and I need to add to my list about someone that has no sense of humor or barely one, or not being able to keep up with my sarcasm (easily offended). No common sense is unacceptable also.


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## Rowan

FalCod said:


> I don't care for current and prior drug use being conflated. If I met someone wonderful that was doing drugs, I'd stay away (rule #1 - Stay away from crazy). If I met someone that dig drugs 20 years ago, has recovered, and has been clean and sober since then, I wouldn't be overly concerned.



And you are entirely within your rights to make that distinction for yourself, among your own list of deal breakers, that apply to you alone. Whether or not other people make that same distinction is entirely up to them. What an individual will or will not accept from a partner doesn't have to make sense or seem logical or right to anyone else. Every person gets to decide on their own list of deal breakers. If two people's deal breakers (boundaries) conflict, there's really no right or wrong, but rather it's a sign that they may not be compatible for a long term relationship.


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## Andy1001

Spicy said:


> Oh and I need to add to my list about someone that has no sense of humor or barely one, or not being able to keep up with my sarcasm (easily offended). No common sense is unacceptable also.


I love sarcasm,especially if done by an expert.
In Scotland two weeks ago a few of the menfolk were having a drink at the hotel bar before my wedding and the manager offered us some whisky.
He claimed it was thirty years old Glenfiddish and only poured a small measure for everyone.
My uncle remarked “isn’t Glen very small for his age”.


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## 269370

EllisRedding said:


> - If she has (or previously had) a penis



I dunno. The Freud in me kind of thinks that maybe what’s really missing in the relationship is potentially a penis 

And it wouldn’t be as much of a dealbreaker to me as I first thought it would be. But a manly chin and a hairy chest probably would. 



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## EllisRedding

inmyprime said:


> I dunno. The Freud in me kind of thinks that maybe what’s really missing in the relationship is potentially a penis
> 
> And it wouldn’t be as much of a dealbreaker to me as I first thought it would be. But a manly chin and a hairy chest probably would.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I refuse to get Ray Finkle'd!


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## Faithful Wife

Lack of sense of humor.

Lack of personal goals/a life of his own.

Lack of a penis (if a guy).

Racists.

Dumb asses.

Jerks.

Mean people.


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## MAJDEATH

Liberal in thought and behaviors (this is actually a mental illness).

Inability to handle an overabundance of male endowment.

High maintenance (make-up, clothes, shoes, hair, nails, etc)

Has never read a book for enjoyment. 

Pronounces the word wifi as "we fee" and meme as "me me".

Bra size should be much bigger than hip size.

Has cats with litter boxes that are constantly dirty/need changed.

Annoying laugh.

Doesn't like giving oral.

Can't handle criticism or setbacks.

Can't order food without knowing what everybody else is ordering.


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## Andy1001

MAJDEATH said:


> Liberal in thought and behaviors (this is actually a mental illness).
> 
> Inability to handle an overabundance of male endowment.
> 
> High maintenance (make-up, clothes, shoes, hair, nails, etc)
> 
> Has never read a book for enjoyment.
> 
> Pronounces the word wifi as "we fee" and meme as "me me".
> 
> Bra size should be much bigger than hip size.
> 
> Has cats with litter boxes that are constantly dirty/need changed.
> 
> Annoying laugh.
> 
> Doesn't like giving oral.
> 
> Can't handle criticism or setbacks.
> 
> Can't order food without knowing what everybody else is ordering.


Be honest,have you dated this woman in the past lol.


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## Andy1001

arbitrator said:


> *Name and discuss any inherent personal dealbreakers that you would deem to be appropriate within the confines of say, entering into a new relationship with a member of the opposite sex!*


Is there someone new on the horizon Arb?


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## Faithful Wife

MAJDEATH said:


> Liberal in thought and behaviors (this is actually a mental illness).


:wtf:

I mean, I may not agree with the thinking of some conservatives, but I would not just throw shade, especially when it doesn't even make sense. People who don't agree with you are mentally ill?

Maybe you meant something other than politically liberal....if you meant "promiscuous" then it makes more sense as a deal breaker, though still doesn't have a correlation to mental illness.


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## personofinterest

Skip yeah, I may disagree a whole lot with the philosophies of the far left, and I probably couldn't date someone on the far left because they wouldn't like me very much. But they are not mentally ill. We just have very very different views.


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## Ynot

Possessiveness
Greed
Materialism
Lack of self esteem
Lack of intellectual curiosity
Lack of sense of humor
Lack of sexuality
High maintenance
are all deal breakers to me
I have broken up with women who displayed some or all of these traits


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## FalCod

Rowan said:


> And you are entirely within your rights to make that distinction for yourself, among your own list of deal breakers, that apply to you alone. Whether or not other people make that same distinction is entirely up to them. What an individual will or will not accept from a partner doesn't have to make sense or seem logical or right to anyone else. Every person gets to decide on their own list of deal breakers. If two people's deal breakers (boundaries) conflict, there's really no right or wrong, but rather it's a sign that they may not be compatible for a long term relationship.


I'm not trying to dictate to anyone what they should consider to be a deal breaker. I'm just pointing out that the OP included two substantially different things in a single option. I think it would have been a more meaningful poll if he'd split them.


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## MAJDEATH

Andy1001 said:


> Be honest,have you dated this woman in the past lol.


No, this is a combination of factors from some women I have dated and some women I have known.


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## Spicy

Andy1001 said:


> I love sarcasm,especially if done by an expert.
> In Scotland two weeks ago a few of the menfolk were having a drink at the hotel bar before my wedding and the manager offered us some whisky.
> He claimed it was thirty years old Glenfiddish and only poured a small measure for everyone.
> My uncle remarked “isn’t Glen very small for his age”.


LOVVEEE IT!!! A huge congrats to you all!!!!!! Sweet little family :x


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## arbitrator

Andy1001 said:


> *Is there someone new on the horizon, Arb?*


*Only just in the rare event that "Ms. Someone New" ever avails themselves, Andy!*


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## Blondilocks

Question: High Maintenance - is this in regard to the expense or the time it requires or? If it doesn't cost you (personally) a dime, would you still care?


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## NextTimeAround

My partner has to be happy with an arms length relationship to my family.

This is because my family has no boundaries, at least not with the men I date. 

My husband is doing just fine, alerting me to the times that my sister has called, e-mailed or texted him. and that's the way I want it. I don't contact her husband for anything.

I know that people can say "I can be friends with whoever the hell I want." and they will find more sympathasizers than I will. 

So I chose a guy who does not need the drama engendered when over engaging with the in-laws.


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## EllisRedding

Blondilocks said:


> Question: High Maintenance - is this in regard to the expense or the time it requires or? If it doesn't cost you (personally) a dime, would you still care?


For me high maintenance isn't about money. It is about appearance and how one acts.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Maybe there should be two lists. 

I've noticed many have in their list multiple things that would preclude said new relationship.

One list maybe of things that would prevent a relationship at all, then another of things that would kill accepting a second or third date or encounter?


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## MAJDEATH

Blondilocks said:


> Question: High Maintenance - is this in regard to the expense or the time it requires or? If it doesn't cost you (personally) a dime, would you still care?


I see where you are going with this. If a lady spends half of her pay on clothes, shoes, makeup, spa days, hair, nails, etc, and we are living in the same house as husband and wife, that would be a problem. It's cutting into the combined budget.

And time. If it takes 2 hours for you to get ready, and we have to leave at 6, don't wait until 4:45 to start and then complain that you don't look your best because you were rushed.


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## Mr. Nail

Pointless question as I have already decided that there will be no future relationship. But based on my own mistakes last time . . . 

The belief that sleep is more important than sex. In other words if you have ever said , or seriously thought, "if you wake me up the house better be on fire".

I'm sure I have other deal breakers but I'm not up to the trouble of thinking about it.


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## uhtred

To me, "high maintenance" means someone who needs assistance / help of various sorts far more often than the provide it. Someone where you feel you constantly need to do something for them. 



Blondilocks said:


> Question: High Maintenance - is this in regard to the expense or the time it requires or? If it doesn't cost you (personally) a dime, would you still care?


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## 269370

Blondilocks said:


> Question: High Maintenance - is this in regard to the expense or the time it requires or? If it doesn't cost you (personally) a dime, would you still care?



When I refer to high maintenance, it’s usually to do with the girl being a bit princess-like and needing constant attention/entertainment/taking care of.
A challenge is always nice but there’s a difference between that and being fussy/complainy/generally useless. 
I know that sounds prejudiced (actually all of it is but never mind) but unless the girl was picture-pretty, guys tended to stay away from those.
At least that was the case when I was still dating...
I guess it’s the same stereo type of pretty guys being generally not very bright.


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## 269370

The funny thing is...once one falls in love, these lists get thrown out of the window.


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## Lila

Faithful Wife said:


> *Dumb asses.*


😂🤣😂 Omg.....🤣😂

This is one of those "I'll know one when I see it"


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## Lila

Blondilocks said:


> Question: High Maintenance - is this in regard to the expense or the time it requires or? If it doesn't cost you (personally) a dime, would you still care?


This is a great question. 

As a high maintenance woman (I spend money for self care and to look my best) I am finding that the same men who claim they don't want to date a high maintenance woman are the ones asking me out on a date. So either my definition of high maintenance is different from theirs or they are hypocrites.


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## 269370

Lila said:


> This is a great question.
> 
> As a high maintenance woman (I spend money for self care and to look my best) I am finding that the same men who claim they don't want to date a high maintenance woman are the ones asking me out on a date. So either my definition of high maintenance is different from theirs or they are hypocrites.




That’s because for most guys, ‘high maintenance’ has nothing to do with looks or how much time the girl spends in front of a mirror.
High maintenance = too much hassle to get involved with. It’s a character trait.


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## personofinterest

Lila said:


> Blondilocks said:
> 
> 
> 
> Question: High Maintenance - is this in regard to the expense or the time it requires or? If it doesn't cost you (personally) a dime, would you still care?
> 
> 
> 
> This is a great question.
> 
> As a high maintenance woman (I spend money for self care and to look my best) I am finding that the same men who claim they don't want to date a high maintenance woman are the ones asking me out on a date. So either my definition of high maintenance is different from theirs or they are hypocrites.
Click to expand...

 The same men who often spend a lot of time talking about how they don't want high maintenance usually want a woman who was physically fit with great hair and pretty skin and flattering clothes… and they don't seem to realize that all of that takes maintenance. It's sort of like the guy who says he doesn't want a girl to wear make up. But what he really means is he wants her to look like people in movies look like when they are supposedly not wearing make up. News Flash… the women in those movies are still wearing make up. Lol


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## personofinterest

I tend to agree with primes definition of high maintenance. A girl who needs constant attention and flattery and expensive gifts and such. For example, I know someone who said that if a man ever took her to a chain restaurant, she would walk out. That is high maintenance.


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## PigglyWiggly

personofinterest said:


> The same men who often spend a lot of time talking about how they don't want high maintenance usually want a woman who was physically fit with great hair and pretty skin and flattering clothes… and they don't seem to realize that all of that takes maintenance. It's sort of like the guy who says he doesn't want a girl to wear make up. *But what he really means* is he wants her to look like people in movies look like when they are supposedly not wearing make up. News Flash… the women in those movies are still wearing make up. Lol


That's interesting.


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## PigglyWiggly

inmyprime said:


> That’s because for most guys, ‘high maintenance’ has nothing to do with looks or how much time the girl spends in front of a mirror.
> High maintenance = too much hassle to get involved with. It’s a character trait.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


The juice ain't worth the squeeze.


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## Mr. Nail

No, really when I say I don't want high maintenance I'm talking about $200. hair that looks like a skunk. 

Mrs. nail can read her book at the gym or salon as easily as she can in bed, I still get none of her time.


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## PigglyWiggly

Mr. Nail said:


> No, really when I say I don't want high maintenance *I'm talking about $200. hair that looks like a skunk. *
> 
> Mrs. nail can read her book at the gym or salon as easily as she can in bed, I still get none of her time.


I don't know why but that literally made me lol. :grin2:


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## red oak

Several i find egregious. Too close to call.
Alcohol, 
drugs, 
close minded, 
insistent on make up, 
short-sighted, 
lack of desire to question or learn, 
crazy, 
disrespect, 
Tattoos,
Extroversion,
Deceit,
sex change,
like city or towns,
dislike of outdoors
complaining too much,
Big no no's: loud perfume, air fresheners both home and car. Wouldn't make it through a first date.


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## farsidejunky

Smoking

Excessive substance use

Laziness

Not taking care of her body

No sex drive

No appreciation of South-Park-type humor

Victim mentality

Controlling

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## MAJDEATH

I forgot to mention high interest in social justice issues.


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## personofinterest

Cruelty
Inability to apologize


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## peacem

I think abuse is always going to be the biggest deal breaker surely?

Red flags for me

Obsessed with getting married and having children from the get-go. Advertises their love of children a bit too much!
Religious types of any kind - causes more trouble than what its worth.
Fastidiously tidy people - they tend to make everyone miserable in the end
People who claim to have no vices whatsoever - everyone has something. Don't drink, don't smoke, what do you do?
People who never swear 
Terrible/aggressive drivers is a big deal for me
Anyone without a pet - especially anyone without a pet because they don't like pet hair on the carpet
Bad with money. But also those who insist on 'the best of everything'. They end up either stoney broke or never buying anything.
Anyone who loves his mother a bit too much (shudder)
Experts on everything - sign of deep insecurity and they will eventually go to crazy town
Envious of others and never seem happy with what they have got - they will drag you down with them
Anyone overly groomed and wears too much fragrance (they are covering something up, probably afraid to be themselves)
Constantly dieting but never losing weight 
Anyone with lots of mysterious diseases and have been called a 'walking miracle' by a physician
Bell ringers 
Finally those who have a long list of intolerances towards other people...scum


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## Andy1001

personofinterest said:


> The same men who often spend a lot of time talking about how they don't want high maintenance usually want a woman who was physically fit with great hair and pretty skin and flattering clothes… and they don't seem to realize that all of that takes maintenance. It's sort of like the guy who says he doesn't want a girl to wear make up. But what he really means is he wants her to look like people in movies look like when they are supposedly not wearing make up. News Flash… the women in those movies are still wearing make up. Lol


Oh yeah,it can take a woman hours to get the “natural” look.
I have no problem with a woman spending hours getting ready to go out to dinner,a club or any social gathering.However if she takes the same time when she is just going shopping then it gets old real quick.
I see women in my gym in full makeup,hair styled perfectly and smelling like Coco Chanel’s bathroom,they come to be looked at,not for exercise.
Your comment about chain restaurants made me laugh.When I first started dating my now wife I brought her to a very fashionable restaurant in Boston for her birthday.When we got to the place there was two fire trucks and about forty cops outside,the kitchen had caught fire.I couldn’t get a table anywhere else and we ended up in Burger King lol.
As far as other aspects of high maintenance are concerned,I know a woman who from when she was a young girl swore she wouldn’t marry the first guy that asked her.She had read some feminist bs in high school.When her long time boyfriend did propose,unbelievably she stuck to her word.
She was convinced he would propose again in a few days.
He didn’t.He moved away and broke all contact with her.


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## personofinterest

Andy1001 said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> 
> The same men who often spend a lot of time talking about how they don't want high maintenance usually want a woman who was physically fit with great hair and pretty skin and flattering clothes… and they don't seem to realize that all of that takes maintenance. It's sort of like the guy who says he doesn't want a girl to wear make up. But what he really means is he wants her to look like people in movies look like when they are supposedly not wearing make up. News Flash… the women in those movies are still wearing make up. Lol
> 
> 
> 
> Oh yeah,it can take a woman hours to get the “natural” look.
> I have no problem with a woman spending hours getting ready to go out to dinner,a club or any social gathering.However if she takes the same time when she is just going shopping then it gets old real quick.
> I see women in my gym in full makeup,hair styled perfectly and smelling like Coco Chanel’s bathroom,they come to be looked at,not for exercise.
> Your comment about chain restaurants made me laugh.When I first started dating my now wife I brought her to a very fashionable restaurant in Boston for her birthday.When we got to the place there was two fire trucks and about forty cops outside,the kitchen had caught fire.I couldn’t get a table anywhere else and we ended up in Burger King lol.
> As far as other aspects of high maintenance are concerned,I know a woman who from when she was a young girl swore she wouldn’t marry the first guy that asked her.She had read some feminist bs in high school.When her long time boyfriend did propose,unbelievably she stuck to her word.
> She was convinced he would propose again in a few days.
> He didn’t.He moved away and broke all contact with her.
Click to expand...

That was a very well written post. Totally irrelevant to what I posted.

I have long, thick hair. It takes me 40 minutes to go from getting out of bed to work professional. I never wear makeup to the gym. 

But let's get real. The "no makeup" guy isnt talking about 50 years old with pale skin and eye circles or a touch of middle aged acne.

He means that mythical dewy glow with naturally thick eyelashes lol


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## farsidejunky

There are a few of us that are actual soap and water guys.

The only time my wife wears makeup is for a special function, maybe four or five times per year. Otherwise it's dry her hair then off to work.

She does well with putting on makeup when she chooses to put it on. That said, given the choice between made up or not, I would take the latter.

And for the record, my wife is far from a doe-eyed model.


personofinterest said:


> That was a very well written post. Totally irrelevant to what I posted.
> 
> I have long, thick hair. It takes me 40 minutes to go from getting out of bed to work professional. I never wear makeup to the gym.
> 
> But let's get real. The "no makeup" guy isnt talking about 50 years old with pale skin and eye circles or a touch of middle aged acne.
> 
> He means that mythical dewy glow with naturally thick eyelashes lol


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## Faithful Wife

To me high maintenance could be a guy or a girl, and would mean to me that this person needs a lot of emotional support. I have a high maintenance female friend who is SO high maintenance that you simply can’t be friends with her without falling into her needy bottomless pit. I love her so I’ve always done my best for her with support. But when it is a chronic, endless neediness, eventually no matter how much you love someone, once you realize you will never fulfill their needs it becomes exhausting. Now (after knowing her for 20 years and supporting her all this time) the thought of hanging out with her is draining and I avoid it. (She is actually high maintenance with hair and make up, too).

And now I avoid making new friends who seem to exhibit the same types of neediness. Though my long time friend will always be my friend, I would never want to pick up another like her. Loving her is so much work.

Men I’ve been with have always told me I am not high maintenance and they like that about me. Partly because I’m not terribly fussy about most things, and I can roll with most things, don’t get upset at minor inconveniences, etc. They seemed to be comparing me to women who would fuss and whine if everything wasn’t just so. I was like, wow I’m glad you dated them first, pretty easy to look like the awesome laid back girlfriend compared to that!

I’ve dated some high maintenance men too, and sometimes it was ok. It depended on how they expressed their need for maintenance or whatever. To me, a man who regularly experiences road rage (or maybe just road grumpiness) is high maintenance. It’s as if he expects the entire world around him to bow and get out of his way. It shows an inability to self regulate emotions and placing the problem outside himself is why it becomes a maintenance issue for his partner. He can’t take it out on the other driver so he becomes grumpy in general, now requiring his partner to either absorb his bad attitude or try to cheer him up. Too much maintenance when an adult should be able to self correct if they are feeling illogical anger.

Others have needed more reassurance than maintenance. That’s ok too, depending on how it is expressed. I am always happy to reassure.

I think I have really high standards for how I’m treated, but that doesn’t really make me high maintenance. Unless I suppose, if simply always treating me well is considered high maintenance.


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## Faithful Wife

Lila said:


> This is a great question.
> 
> As a high maintenance woman (I spend money for self care and to look my best) I am finding that the same men who claim they don't want to date a high maintenance woman are the ones asking me out on a date. So either my definition of high maintenance is different from theirs or they are hypocrites.


I think there’s a few different definitions, but I still use the same word for the various definitions.

Spends lots of time or money on appearance = high maintenance (but not necessarily in a bad way, just a statement of fact sometimes)

Needs excessive emotional support = high maintenance 

Can’t self regulate and expects others to soothe him or her = high maintenance 

Can’t really function in life without financial support = high maintenance 

People who love too much drama = high maintenance 

.....

For all of the above, there are acceptable levels of each, IMO. I’m happy to be emotionally supportive and drama is ok sometimes, too. Someone spending time and money on their appearance wouldn’t bother me unless they were in my way in the bathroom. It’s only when a certain threshold is met that it becomes too high maintenance.

But then there is the idea of maintaining a relationship. I enjoy and want to maintain a relationship when I’m in one. I want to say and do things that help build it up and keep it strong. It’s like tending to a living thing that is sweet and beautiful and growing.


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## Andy1001

Faithful Wife said:


> To me high maintenance could be a guy or a girl, and would mean to me that this person needs a lot of emotional support. I have a high maintenance female friend who is SO high maintenance that you simply can’t be friends with her without falling into her needy bottomless pit. I love her so I’ve always done my best for her with support. But when it is a chronic, endless neediness, eventually no matter how much you love someone, once you realize you will never fulfill their needs it becomes exhausting. Now (after knowing her for 20 years and supporting her all this time) the thought of hanging out with her is draining and I avoid it. (She is actually high maintenance with hair and make up, too).
> 
> And now I avoid making new friends who seem to exhibit the same types of neediness. Though my long time friend will always be my friend, I would never want to pick up another like her. Loving her is so much work.
> 
> Men I’ve been with have always told me I am not high maintenance and they like that about me. Partly because I’m not terribly fussy about most things, and I can roll with most things, don’t get upset at minor inconveniences, etc. They seemed to be comparing me to women who would fuss and whine if everything wasn’t just so. I was like, wow I’m glad you dated them first, pretty easy to look like the awesome laid back girlfriend compared to that!
> 
> I’ve dated some high maintenance men too, and sometimes it was ok. It depended on how they expressed their need for maintenance or whatever. To me, a man who regularly experiences road rage (or maybe just road grumpiness) is high maintenance. It’s as if he expects the entire world around him to bow and get out of his way. It shows an inability to self regulate emotions and placing the problem outside himself is why it becomes a maintenance issue for his partner. He can’t take it out on the other driver so he becomes grumpy in general, now requiring his partner to either absorb his bad attitude or try to cheer him up. Too much maintenance when an adult should be able to self correct if they are feeling illogical anger.
> 
> Others have needed more reassurance than maintenance. That’s ok too, depending on how it is expressed. I am always happy to reassure.
> 
> I think I have really high standards for how I’m treated, but that doesn’t really make me high maintenance. Unless I suppose, if simply always treating me well is considered high maintenance.


You have pink hair and wear jeans and T-shirt’s to car shows.
Take it from me you are not high maintenance.
By the way is that a Band Aid on your toe lol.


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## Faithful Wife

Andy1001 said:


> You have pink hair and wear jeans and T-shirt’s to car shows.
> Take it from me you are not high maintenance.
> By the way is that a Band Aid on your toe lol.


Well actually....if someone wants to hang around with me when I’m with my car, they will have to become my servant as I have many important and dangerous tasks to complete while transporting my moving sculpture safely from one place to another, and all that involves. No time for non helpful brutes who simply want to drool on it.

Also I had to look and yes that probably was a band aid in my toe, hysterical! Thank you for noticing! Lol. Hanging out with my family at home on a hot summer day in that pic. Wasn’t too concerned about the tackiness of band aid in a picture. Not a pic I would use for my dating profile thankfully. :laugh:


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## red oak

personofinterest said:


> But let's get real. The "no makeup" guy isnt talking about 50 years old with pale skin and eye circles or a touch of middle aged acne.
> 
> He means that mythical dewy glow with naturally thick eyelashes lol


As @farsidejunky says. Soap and water. 
For your information my wife is a little over 50 and she is pale skinned, and does occasional eye circles so :corkysm60: 

I look at it this way. If a man won't date a woman, or can't find her attractive without makeup he needs to grow-up or let her find some one who will.
For myself every woman has a natural beauty, which make up hides. :smile2:

Besides, it's messy, full of chemicals, and never seen any I like the smell of.


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## Lila

Faithful Wife said:


> I think there’s a few different definitions, but I still use the same word for the various definitions.
> 
> Spends lots of time or money on appearance = high maintenance (but not necessarily in a bad way, just a statement of fact sometimes)
> 
> Needs excessive emotional support = high maintenance
> 
> Can’t self regulate and expects others to soothe him or her = high maintenance
> 
> Can’t really function in life without financial support = high maintenance
> 
> People who love too much drama = high maintenance
> 
> .....
> 
> For all of the above, there are acceptable levels of each, IMO. I’m happy to be emotionally supportive and drama is ok sometimes, too. Someone spending time and money on their appearance wouldn’t bother me unless they were in my way in the bathroom. It’s only when a certain threshold is met that it becomes too high maintenance.
> 
> But then there is the idea of maintaining a relationship. I enjoy and want to maintain a relationship when I’m in one. I want to say and do things that help build it up and keep it strong. It’s like tending to a living thing that is sweet and beautiful and growing.



This is what I'm learning. As I'm exposed to more and more people, I am learning that everyone has their definition of high maintenance and even those whose definition exemplifies me are willing to overlook it on occasion.


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## Blondilocks

personofinterest said:


> That was a very well written post. Totally irrelevant to what I posted.
> 
> I have long, thick hair. It takes me 40 minutes to go from getting out of bed to work professional. I never wear makeup to the gym.
> 
> But let's get real. The "no makeup" guy isnt talking about 50 years old with pale skin and eye circles or a touch of middle aged acne.
> 
> He means that mythical dewy glow with naturally thick eyelashes lol


Andy's post was not irrelevant to what you posted. He elaborated on the so-called natural look as seen on film.


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## Blondilocks

Andy1001 said:


> You have pink hair and wear jeans and T-shirt’s to car shows.
> Take it from me you are not high maintenance.
> By the way is that a Band Aid on your toe lol.


LOL. You have a wicked eagle eye.


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## SunCMars

I cannot add to this Thread.

The thread on my bobbin was borrowed and used aplenty.

My likes and dislikes are in the lines, between the lines so written here.

Hear?

.......................................................................................................

May I add here?

I love those that know life, love life, have no pretensions, few tensions.
I love women who love men. 

One at a time, those times lasting a long time. 

Or, loving one man for all time.

I love women who dance through life, not stepping on anyone's toes, not causing anyone's woes.

I like women who genuinely smile, not pose through life, not oppose anyone's life.

Loving children and animals is a good start.


THRD-


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## Edo Edo

I don't see myself being single in the near future, but if I were, these are the qualities that would be my deal breakers in someone:

- Is overly controlling.
- Low self esteem / excessively needy.
- Low sex drive or lack of creativity in the bedroom.
- Lack of honesty about her deal breakers upfront.
- Any aversion whatsoever to poker, cannabis, or porn.
- Has money problems (excessive spending, in debt, etc.)
- Below average physical condition / doesn't take care of one's self.
- Is racist or homophobic
- Takes their religion too seriously (and would expect me to do the same).
- Is not intelligent.
- Has no imagination.


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## personofinterest

Blondilocks said:


> Andy's post was not irrelevant to what you posted. He elaborated on the so-called natural look as seen on film.


It's sweet of you to take up for him, but I think he understood where I was coming from in my reply.

I wasn't talking about women who look like they went to Ulta right before working out. And his wife obviously is not a restaurant snob, since Burger King was fine (that was a great story).

Most people I know who truly go without makeup, if they are over 35 and don't tan, have uneven skin tone, eye circles, maybe a few blemishes, etc. Their eyelashes and lips may all but disappear lol.

There are men, like farsidejunky and my husband, who find a woman like that beautiful anyhow. But it has been my experience that the men on forums who talk about women's expiration dates, hip to waist ratio, etc. would not want what "no makeup" TRULY looks like. Andy, far side, and a few others are the exception.

I cannot count the number of times the same guy who wants his woman "natural" and "low maintenance" also wants her skin smooth, her lips full, her chest perky, and her hip to waist ratio optimal.


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## EllisRedding

personofinterest said:


> There are men, like farsidejunky and my husband, who find a woman like that beautiful anyhow. But it has been my experience that the men on forums who talk about women's expiration dates, hip to waist ratio, etc. would not want what "no makeup" TRULY looks like. Andy, far side, and a few others are the exception.


To be honest, I don't believe guys like Far, your hubby, myself, etc... are more the exception. I think it is more the guys you are talking about typically are more vocal about it and stand out (in part to try and look good/manly to others), but have not seen any indication that these guys are the norm.


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## personofinterest

EllisRedding said:


> To be honest, I don't believe guys like Far, your hubby, myself, etc... are more the exception. I think it is more the guys you are talking about typically are more vocal about it and stand out (in part to try and look good/manly to others), but have not seen any indication that these guys are the norm.



You may well be right.

And I confess I have an entire lifetime of "I'm not pretty enough" baggage that probably highlights it. I love myself now, but it took about 43 years to get there.


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## happyhusband0005

personofinterest said:


> I tend to agree with primes definition of high maintenance. A girl who needs constant attention and flattery and expensive gifts and such. For example, I know someone who said that if a man ever took her to a chain restaurant, she would walk out. That is high maintenance.


I think high maintenance is in the eye of the beholder. People would probably consider my wife and I high maintenance for a lot of reasons, appearance, diet, standards for travel, dinning etc. But we are in sync on that stuff so we don't consider each other high maintenance. I would agree with prime also that the real problem is with a person who is needy, have to be with their partner at all times in social settings, etc. But if you have two people on the same wavelength in those respects they won't view each other as high maintenance.


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## 269370

happyhusband0005 said:


> I think high maintenance is in the eye of the beholder. People would probably consider my wife and I high maintenance for a lot of reasons, appearance, diet, standards for travel, dinning etc. But we are in sync on that stuff so we don't consider each other high maintenance.


I’m not sure that having high standards/being fussy about travel, dining, service etc is necessarily ‘high maintenance’. I mean it IS high maintenance but you are not putting the responsibility to ‘fix it’ onto your partner. Problem is, if you have a ‘princess’ or an emotionally needy man, they not only expect you to fix all their sh1t for them but also use you as their emotional dumping ground.
I always felt that there is not enough ‘prettiness’ in the world to make up for these character traits.
I considered these girls ‘ONS material’ at best (in which I was not interested).



happyhusband0005 said:


> I would agree with prime also that the real problem is with a person who is needy, have to be with their partner at all times in social settings, etc. But if you have two people on the same wavelength in those respects they won't view each other as high maintenance.



Yes as long as you don’t put the responsibility to ‘maintain you’ on your partner, then it’s not a problem. I have seen plenty of couples on my travels who get special treatment and upgrades everywhere just because both of them moan and complain incessantly to everyone around them (except to each other). Which is why it works for them. 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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