# Hurt and Confused...



## Catcake86 (Nov 26, 2015)

I'll try to make a long story short, but I'm needing some advice! About 5 weeks ago my husband came home and told me he was bored with our marriage and that he had been doing some things and hadn't been honest with me about how he had been living. Instead of being patient I immediately asked if he was cheating on me with a woman I'll call Kim. Kim is a long time friend of my husbands who he had been having more contact with and had been taking out to dinner occasionally and spending time with because she was having some health problems. I didn't really like it, but he always promised me they were just good friends and acted like I was crazy for thinking he might be interested in another woman. Anyways, he acted offended that I had asked and told me that he had just been out social drinking with his friends (which is something he didn't normally do at all) and was bored with our marriage and thought I should know. 
The next day he told me that even though he had never ever touched Kim that he had considered leaving me for her. I was absolutely devastated and left and went to my parents who live just a few minutes down the road). I contacted Kim through Facebook that night and she denied that anything was going on. The next day my husband texted me and told me that he had no intentions of leaving me for Kim and the only reason he had told me that was out of anger because I had accused him the day before of cheating. About a week later he told me he was bored and that he loved me, but was no longer in love with me. He basically said our marriage was over and nothing could be done. I am absolutely crushed and heartbroken. Since then a few weeks have passed and I have done nothing but try to fix our marriage and be patient with him. I've yet to go back to the house and live, but I still go to the house to see him regularly. He barely talks to me and is generally very cold to me. If I ask him if he's planning to file for divorce or leave me he won't answer me, but also won't tell otherwise. He's also made the statement "I never told you I wanted a divorce. You keep putting words in my mouth!" He also says I am the one who left because I am staying with my parents. I told him that he never once asked me to come back home or indicated he wanted to reconcile. He says he shouldn't have to ask me to come back home. In the last few days I have found some pictures of him and Kim where he had taken her places and didn't tell me about it. I also found a very sexual and inappropriate Facebook message he had with Kim. He told me that there were no intentions behind the Facebook message and he was simply describing a dream he had to a friend. The message was very descriptive and sexual. He still puts the blame on me and says the reason we can't work things out is because I "can't get over" Kim. I feel I have every right to be upset about him lying to me and hiding things from me. I can't trust him and don't know what I believe about him and Kim's relationship. I am more than willing and want more than anything to reconcile with my husband, but I feel that at this point he is the one who should be making the move to reconcile with me. Am I wrong? I've done nothing but be patient with him this past month. He won't commit to leaving me, but won't commit to statying either. I honestly believe he doesn't want to leave me, but is too stubborn to do what he needs to make things right. Opinions? Thanks


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Catcake86 said:


> I'll try to make a long story short, but I'm needing some advice! About 5 weeks ago my husband came home and told me he was bored with our marriage and that he had been doing some things and hadn't been honest with me about how he had been living. Instead of being patient I immediately asked if he was cheating on me with a woman I'll call Kim. Kim is a long time friend of my husbands who he had been having more contact with and had been taking out to dinner occasionally and spending time with because she was having some health problems. I didn't really like it, but he always promised me they were just good friends and acted like I was crazy for thinking he might be interested in another woman. Anyways, he acted offended that I had asked and told me that he had just been out social drinking with his friends (which is something he didn't normally do at all) and was bored with our marriage and thought I should know.
> The next day he told me that even though he had never ever touched Kim that he had considered leaving me for her. I was absolutely devastated and left and went to my parents who live just a few minutes down the road). I contacted Kim through Facebook that night and she denied that anything was going on. The next day my husband texted me and told me that he had no intentions of leaving me for Kim and the only reason he had told me that was out of anger because I had accused him the day before of cheating. About a week later he told me he was bored and that he loved me, but was no longer in love with me. He basically said our marriage was over and nothing could be done. I am absolutely crushed and heartbroken. Since then a few weeks have passed and I have done nothing but try to fix our marriage and be patient with him. I've yet to go back to the house and live, but I still go to the house to see him regularly. He barely talks to me and is generally very cold to me. If I ask him if he's planning to file for divorce or leave me he won't answer me, but also won't tell otherwise. He's also made the statement "I never told you I wanted a divorce. You keep putting words in my mouth!" He also says I am the one who left because I am staying with my parents. I told him that he never once asked me to come back home or indicated he wanted to reconcile. He says he shouldn't have to ask me to come back home. In the last few days I have found some pictures of him and Kim where he had taken her places and didn't tell me about it. I also found a very sexual and inappropriate Facebook message he had with Kim. He told me that there were no intentions behind the Facebook message and he was simply describing a dream he had to a friend. The message was very descriptive and sexual. He still puts the blame on me and says the reason we can't work things out is because I "can't get over" Kim. I feel I have every right to be upset about him lying to me and hiding things from me. I can't trust him and don't know what I believe about him and Kim's relationship. I am more than willing and want more than anything to reconcile with my husband, but I feel that at this point he is the one who should be making the move to reconcile with me. Am I wrong? I've done nothing but be patient with him this past month. He won't commit to leaving me, but won't commit to statying either. I honestly believe he doesn't want to leave me, but is too stubborn to do what he needs to make things right. Opinions? Thanks


Since you asked for an opinion:

If my husband told me that he considered leaving me for another lady-friend, I’d pack up his bags and tell him he’s a free bird and welcome to pursue the other woman, and not to come crying back to me when he realizes what a gem he lost. Because he will you know – come crying back. Be prepared for that.

He has a lot of growing up to do. He’s “bored” with your marriage? Is marriage supposed to be constant entertainment? How childish!
You also have growing up to do. You read explicit sexual messages your husband wrote to another woman, whom he goes out with regularly, and you’re trying to brush it aside and convince yourself it’s not anything serious. He's giving you red signs by telling you he's bored...link that with this!

You’ve either already been cheated on, or he is planning to cheat on you. Either way, you have a decision to make. Don’t worry about him asking you to come back etc., use this time to decide if YOU will stay married to him.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it is painful, but you will be OK as long as you stand up for yourself.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I think that if Kim crooked her finger your H would come running.

You're right. You can't trust him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catcake86 (Nov 26, 2015)

You guys are right! I should be the one kicking him to the curb. Instead, I'm sitting around waiting for him to come begging me back pronouncing his love for me. It's just hard when you spend many years with someone and then they suddenly turn into a totally different person than you thought they were. It's hard letting go when your heart doesn't want you to.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Catcake86 said:


> It's hard letting go when your heart doesn't want you to.


It is...and I understand. I'm sorry you're in this situation CC, but I don't know how else to put it other than to say that your husband is a lying POS that is exhibiting no desire change his behavior.

Get rid of him. why would you want to remain in a relationship where he gives you no love and respect? What you want/need is not what he is ready to offer.

Lose him, heal yourself, and if need be...find a partner who can offer what you desire.

What he is in is what is referred to as the "fog" and he isn't seeing things clearly while in an affair with this OW. Some people snap out of it seek to make amends, others don't. I snapped out of it and immediately realized what I've done and what I stood to lose and immediately sought help.

Others...not so much unfortunately. I know it'll be hard, but for your sake...let him go. *big hug*


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## Convict (Feb 16, 2014)

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. As painful as it sounds, I think all the advice and reactions you got here are right on the mark. It may seem easier said than done, but I agree it's the only way to proceed. 

You could take it one step at a time, but I think the first step is to just turn your back on him, stand tall, and don't put yourself in a position of vulnerability....ever. 

I know you want to save your marriage. All of us do / did. But the reality we face is harsh and painful and we must deal with it accordingly. 

I'm a man whose wife divorced me. It doesn't matter why but she did. And it hurts. Divorce hurts. But as a man all I can say is that your H is acting like a big time a**hole. Turn your back on him, then decide if you do so for the time being or forever. 

Stay strong and God speed.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I'll join the chorus.

your husband is being an @ss and lying his face off deflecting blame to you.

he's cheating on you even if he hasn't gone all the way.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Catcake86 said:


> You guys are right! I should be the one kicking him to the curb. Instead, I'm sitting around waiting for him to come begging me back pronouncing his love for me. It's just hard when you spend many years with someone and then they suddenly turn into a totally different person than you thought they were. It's hard letting go when your heart doesn't want you to.


Much sympathy to you. I wish he could get his his head out of his butt and wake up. On the other hand, you might be better off in the long run.

many of us can offer sympathy that is more than just words, because we've been there. Felt what you are feeling now.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Get working on your plan to be an ex-wife of this guy. You are not doing yourself any favors by trying to reconcile. At best, it would be temporary. He would get "bored" again soon, and if not with Kim, someone else would seem more "interesting" for a while. Men (or women) who know their spouse will take them back have no incentive to do the work to make things better.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Question, do you think you're boring? How's your sex life?


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## Catcake86 (Nov 26, 2015)

Thanks everyone. As hard as it is to accept, it's nice to hear others affirm that my husband is being a jerk to me. I know he is, but he has a way of making me feel like I'm the reason our marriage isn't working. 

As for boring? I didn't really think we had a boring marriage. We took lots of weekend trips, went to the movies, out to eat, etc. He also always had his freedom to go to out of town sporting events with friends. I never really tried to hold him back from doing what he wanted because I trusted him so much. I should have stuck up for myself in the beginning when he started taking this girl to dinner. But he had a way of making me feel guilty for questioning him about it. He's the one losing out now and he will live to regret his decisions. I do believe that!


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