# I’m just done..



## whenndoesitend (Jan 4, 2022)

I’m just done.
Im done asking for affection and sex. I’m done asking for help with the kids or the house. I’m done for asking for the bare minimum and watching him completely ignore everything I say. This has been my life for 10 years now. I just want so badly for this man to love me and care about me but he’s showed me time and time again he’s not interested….. the problem is I can’t bring myself to leave. It sounds so scary and I have kids… how do I even do it? I want to so badly but….I just can’t.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

so stop doing for him.
Look at finances 
Look for a job if you don’t work
Do you have any resources?

contact a divorce lawyer


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You say you are done. Then you say you cannot bring yourself to leave.

Guess you're not quite as "done" as you think you are.

Nevertheless, you need to see an attorney in order to know your legal rights. You need to find a job. If necessary, you need to get training in order to get a job.

I'd also suggest you look into counseling. Living with someone for 10 years who doesn't give a damn about you sounds like you have no self-esteem. Find out (1) why you have none, and (2) gain the tools to acquire it.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

He knows you well enough to know you won't leave, hence his lack of interest in addressing your desires. I suggest you start preparing to leave as suggested by @Anastasia6, maybe he'll notice and realize what you're doing and change but I highly doubt it.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

whenndoesitend said:


> I’m just done.
> Im done asking for affection and sex. I’m done asking for help with the kids or the house. I’m done for asking for the bare minimum and watching him completely ignore everything I say. This has been my life for 10 years now. I just want so badly for this man to love me and care about me but he’s showed me time and time again he’s not interested….. the problem is I can’t bring myself to leave. It sounds so scary and I have kids… how do I even do it? I want to so badly but….I just can’t.



First, get yourself into counseling.

Then, as you slowly gain some perspective on all of this, begin working on an exit plan.

Simply having an exit plan does not mean it needs to be used, but it's good to have in case.

It's like having insurance (in a way) if your place burns down or auto insurance.

Work on the issues with your therapist and as you do, it won't be so scary for you to do this and you'll be able to figure out how to do this as well.

Otherwise, the next 10 years will go the way your last 10 years have gone.

Even if this takes you say two years, it won't be as bad these next two years for you as you'll slowly be gaining courage and you'll feel better by each little step you take forward and it will begin to build momentum for you.

If you don't do this, the next two years will just be filled with dread, misery and such that you're currently mired in.

I say all of this because this won't happen overnight for you, or in a week or even a month and maybe not even a year.

Think of this way, you said you've been like this the last 10 years. Imagine if you'd started this 7 years ago. You would be long gone from the situation.

Do not be afraid of getting help. You will feel better with each small step you take. Begin to search for therapists. That, in and of itself, will help you, it will give you a little boost, a little shot in the arm.

Then you'll call a therapist at some point to make an appointment and that will make you feel a little better, it will give you a bit more hope and so on and so forth.

There is no get out of jail free card. There is no magic bullet.

It will take many little steps but with each little step you take, your load will become lighter and you'll begin to see more of the light at the end of the tunnel.

Good luck


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

whenndoesitend said:


> I’m just done.
> Im done asking for affection and sex. I’m done asking for help with the kids or the house. I’m done for asking for the bare minimum and watching him completely ignore everything I say. This has been my life for 10 years now. I just want so badly for this man to love me and care about me but he’s showed me time and time again he’s not interested….. the problem is I can’t bring myself to leave. It sounds so scary and I have kids… how do I even do it? I want to so badly but….I just can’t.


1. See an attorney to see what divorce looks like financially.
2. Get yourself as setup as possible income wise.
3. Figure out where you will live and create a budget.
4. Have papers drafted.
5. Inform husband / have him served.

Don't be afraid to lean on friends and family while you get on your own feet. The quicker you start, the faster you can get to a life you want. The painful period between now and then won't be any more painful than that same timeframe will be if you stay, and if you do stay, you'll be looking at further pain and regretting not taking action sooner.

Just get it done. One step at a time.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

What’s the possibility of you moving in with your parents while getting your divorce up and going ?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

whenndoesitend said:


> I’m just done.
> Im done asking for affection and sex. I’m done asking for help with the kids or the house. I’m done for asking for the bare minimum and watching him completely ignore everything I say. This has been my life for 10 years now. I just want so badly for this man to love me and care about me but he’s showed me time and time again he’s not interested….. the problem is I can’t bring myself to leave. It sounds so scary and I have kids… how do I even do it? I want to so badly but….I just can’t.


Do you have a job? Your first thing you need to do is get a job. Anybody can get one right now. Do you guys own a house together? To get an attorney you're going to have to have something to put up for money. Maybe you can borrow the money and then when the house sells, you'll get your half. Single mothers do it all the time. You have to resign yourself to getting a job and you have to resign yourself to making sure he has 50/50 custody of the kids so that he has to do his part and that leaves you time to work and do everything else you need to do so that you're not just tied to the kids all the time and it assures that he perhaps for the first time in his life learns what it's like to actually take care of kids and his household. But you need to get started working and saving money now.


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## whenndoesitend (Jan 4, 2022)

Mr.Married said:


> What’s the possibility of you moving in with your parents while getting your divorce up and going ?


 I think thats a big reason I feel like I’m stuck. I don’t have really any close friends and my parents don’t really want to host me and my four kids. It’s my only option, so I know if it came down to it she would let us… i just feel like such a burden…


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## whenndoesitend (Jan 4, 2022)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> First, get yourself into counseling.
> 
> Then, as you slowly gain some perspective on all of this, begin working on an exit plan.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this. It’s just so terrifying. I’ve suffered from anxiety my whole life so I think that adds an extra layer of fear in this. It kills me living like this everyday but I’m just so nervous to make the jump. I’ve also been completely financially dependent on him. I’ve been a stay at home mom pretty much the whole time. I worked for a year or two but I would never make the same income as him even with multiple jobs…


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## whenndoesitend (Jan 4, 2022)

Prodigal said:


> You say you are done. Then you say you cannot bring yourself to leave.
> 
> Guess you're not quite as "done" as you think you are.
> 
> ...


I think I’m and never will be okay with not having my kids with me everyday. That’s a huge part of my “stuck”… just the thought feels like ripping my heart out


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## whenndoesitend (Jan 4, 2022)

happyhusband0005 said:


> He knows you well enough to know you won't leave, hence his lack of interest in addressing your desires. I suggest you start preparing to leave as suggested by @Anastasia6, maybe he'll notice and realize what you're doing and change but I highly doubt it.


Damn, that hits the nail on the head. I’ve had so many moments of “okay he crossed this line I need to leave….” Then I stay… and then he crosses the next line and I tell myself I can’t let him do that to me then I stay again. He knows I’m chicken ****… :/


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Your kids are witnessing this. Do you want this miserable marriage to be their example?


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## whenndoesitend (Jan 4, 2022)

Prodigal said:


> Your kids are witnessing this. Do you want this miserable marriage to be their example?


Absolutely not. It’s a hard line I struggle with… he’s got some demons and I feel like what if I leave to show them there’s better then he finds someone else and does the same stuff… I would rather be with them everyday and be the one to suffer then have the same outcome different person… as f*cked up as that is does that kinda make sense?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

No, what you are saying makes no sense. At least, not to me. What if he ends up with a woman who hates your kids? What if he gets full custody of the kids? What if he goes berserk and pulls a gun on you? What if a meteor is screaming towards earth and lands on your house?

What-if thinkers remain stuck in a hell of their own making. So you will remain stuck, make a lot of noise about leaving, and remain in marriage hell.

Hopefully, you'll realize sooner rather than later that a life lived authentically is based on WHAT IS thinking, and not what if. Continue wallowing in fear. It's easier than taking on challenges and dealing with hardships to have a better life. Seriously.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

How old are your kids?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Sounds like you are just ranting which is fine but only actions change anything.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

whenndoesitend said:


> I’m just done.
> *Im done asking for affection and sex*. I’m done asking for help with the kids or the house. I’m done for asking for the bare minimum and watching him completely ignore everything I say. *This has been my life for 10 years now.* I just want *so badly for this man to love me and care about me* but he’s showed me time and time again he’s not interested….. the problem is I can’t bring myself to leave. It sounds so scary and I have kids… how do I even do it? I want to so badly but….I just can’t.


You don't mention the agesand number of your kids, but for sure they pick up on the vibes in the home. They know mom and dad aren't pulling in tandem, that you are miserable. Unfortunately, you can't make this man love and care about you. There are millions of women (and men ) in your identical situation, who thought there was no way they could be independent and happy, that they were trapped forever in misery. Most eventually find that the fear was groundless, that they had more ability than they thought.

While it may seem counterintuitive, you should take steps toward becoming independent. Get a job, even if just part time. Working, associating with other people, making your own money will increase your confidence a lot. Even if a lot of your income goes toward daycare, you are still making a move toward independence. You could even work part time at the school where your kids attend, or at their daycare. You will likely encounter other women in the same situation you are in. It helps to know people who are traveling the path you are on.

Do SOMETHING, even if it is a small step, to move toward independence. Draw encouragement from your family and friends.


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## drift (Jan 5, 2022)

whenndoesitend said:


> I’m just done.
> Im done asking for affection and sex. I’m done asking for help with the kids or the house. I’m done for asking for the bare minimum and watching him completely ignore everything I say. This has been my life for 10 years now. I just want so badly for this man to love me and care about me but he’s showed me time and time again he’s not interested….. the problem is I can’t bring myself to leave. It sounds so scary and I have kids… how do I even do it? I want to so badly but….I just can’t.


Wife and I don't have kids but I'm living with same issues. I've also talked to her about it but to no avail. I think you should seriously consider moving on. I know it's hard when kids are involved but you will slowly lose your mind otherwise


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## GaLaxya (Sep 26, 2021)

I think your husband doesn't care, if you leave or not. As you said you're suffering from anxiety the link below might be somethingfor you to find a clue why you are in this relationship.
Maybe you'll find yourself in this.

Due to your anxiety, you are the type of women who is prone to such type of partner mentioned in the article. But your partner could have other issues.

As an anxious person you are very likely to fall for men that are the opposite and that lack empathy and deep emotions. Or any emotions.

Those people appear calm and cool and that will attracked you. You think they are in control and that they can help you gain control over your life.
At the beginning their shallow emotions appear like balm to your soul to an anxious person. But the problem is that their 'coolness' is the same as your anxiety. Toxic.

...Maybe once you understand, you might know better that or if it is time to go.

You have to understand that you are with this man for a reason. To get out of this cycle you don't just need to move out and leave him. No!
You need to change!
Once you changed, you automatically will go away.

your soul tells you you have to change. But you haven't changed yet. Hence you hesitate.

You need to find a way out of your anxiety.

In addition to all of this, you need to understand that your anxiety is the reason you picked this guy, but also that your anxiety most likely is a result from growing up with parents or people that lack empathy. Hence you grew up insecure and anxious.

You mention your mother rather wouldn't want to have you and your kids living in her house even fpr a while.
That is not very motherlike. Sounds rather egoistic and non protective.
I assume your mother lacks empathy too.
Therefore, going back to her might be a bad idea as she might be the root to your psychological issues.

She is part of the reason you are alone and anxious clearly.

You need to learn and to understand that 90% of your problems are your anxiety and that you can get suppport. 

Your fear might make it look to you that it is impossible to get out. But it is not.

As long as your husband isn't a physiological threat to you or deliberately manipulates you, you might be safe to stay and sort things out bit by bit.

But you have to change your mindset and stop being emotional dependend on him.
You don't need him. His emotional distance is now your advantage. Use it!









The Schizoid-Depressive Couple


Does your partner withdraw the more you demand an answer?




www.psychologytoday.com


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

whenndoesitend said:


> Thank you for this. It’s just so terrifying. I’ve suffered from anxiety my whole life so I think that adds an extra layer of fear in this. It kills me living like this everyday but I’m just so nervous to make the jump. I’ve also been completely financially dependent on him. I’ve been a stay at home mom pretty much the whole time. I worked for a year or two but I would never make the same income as him even with multiple jobs…


I know it's scary. You've allowed yourself to fall to his mercy, and now you see what that means. You're an appliance to him. A servant. It doesn't even matter if he's cheating, because he's been using you and lying to you this whole time. Now imagine one of your children in the situation you're in. They call you, in tears, late at night, whispering so they won't wake the spouse that is hurting them every day and doesn't care. What would tell them to do?

Do that. 

My grandmother was the best person I've ever known. She told my aunt, and my aunt told me, "You do the best that you can for as long as you can, and then you save yourself."

He's wrong. You're not a lesser, weaker thing. You deserve better than this. And so do your children. You've done the best that you can. Now save yourself.


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## whenndoesitend (Jan 4, 2022)

GaLaxya said:


> I think your husband doesn't care, if you leave or not. As you said you're suffering from anxiety the link below might be somethingfor you to find a clue why you are in this relationship.
> Maybe you'll find yourself in this.
> 
> Due to your anxiety, you are the type of women who is prone to such type of partner mentioned in the article. But your partner could have other issues.
> ...


Wow… hit the nail on the head, I remember when we first met I was sooo impressed with his calm cool manner-seemed like nothing bothered him. It was so soothing and honestly mind blowing that someone didn’t have anxious thought running 24/7.. 

God.. crazy. Thank you for this. I will read more about it.. sounds like it’s exactly what’s happening. The problem I feel is, I don’t know how to not be emotionally dependent of him and I think the only way I can stop is if I leave…


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