# Newlywed and have problems



## Hubby321 (Aug 1, 2010)

I married my wife 2 months ago. She's from another state and came to live with me (this is her second marriage; my first) She has very low self-esteem issues (her first marriage was to an abusive man) and still has a hard time (even after living here 2 years) finding her way around, even going locally. Seems that she depends on ME to do virtually everything - although she does have her own car. I try to encourage her to do more for herself but she's content to just sit around the house (she does work) and I even offered to pay for her to get her degree. Also, she is insisting on moving to another state - i have a great job w/ benefits and it took me a LONG time to finally land this job. I love where I live; it's a great town and I put my foot down - we're NOT moving. To go to another state w/ no job lined up would be foolish, given this economy and I've told her that repeatedly. We're fighting and arguing constantly - money issues, or whatever. We have no children together and it's just us.. Like I said, she's from another state and I've been trying to "wise" her as to how things work here. As fior the degree, it would get her another job (if she's laid off) in little time but she says she'd 'rather collect unemployment". I don't want her just sitting around; I can't afford to support BOTH of us. I understand she's new to this area but she's also had 2 years to learn more about her surroundings - she won't even go out for a walk, to the library, or anything. I'm a very independent man and trying to get her to be more independent, as I sometimes work long hours. I suggested counseling and she just shrugged and said "Fine". Everytime I try to talk to her (gently) she becomes defensive and it becomes an argument - and I don't harp. I love her but I don't know what else to do. Oh, and we're both in our 40s and her family is back home (in her state); my family is here. Her own family has tried to motivate her but to no avail (I get along great w/ the in-laws). Any advice?


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## Hubby321 (Aug 1, 2010)

Oh, and BTW, she asked me to research jobs in other states. I've done so and the other places are on a huge hiring freeze (some have even laid off people). She insists that housing is cheaper (and it is) but even so, how can you move and not have a job lined up? Also, how can you move without money? I tell her this repeatedly but I'm not sure she comprehends it! I thought that by being married, it would enable more independence for her but the opposite seems to be true.


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## fairy godmother (Jun 10, 2010)

I agree....you cannot move without having a job lined up this would be irresponsible unless you're both in for the adventure, but you've stated you're uncomfortable with this so you were right to put your foot down.


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## wilted_flower (Jul 25, 2010)

It sounds like your wife is depressed and homesick, and perhaps there are needs in the relationship not being met and so she looks for that familiarity and comfort that home provided. It sounds like she is somewhat emotionally unstable to begin with, and I can totally relate to the feeling that "If we just move back home then everything will be ok." 
But, it's not reasonable and it's not rational. She really needs to go to counseling. Put your foot down about that- frame it so that she knows it's because you love and care about her and worry that she's not ok emotionally. 

Finding out what it is she's missing might help her stop trying to fill that void with thoughts of home. 

Just a thought, from someone who has totally been there and done that.


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## needadviceplease1 (Sep 21, 2009)

I am in a very similar situation. My wife doesn't have a lot of friends and says she gets sad when she is alone. I am also a very independent person (although not afraid to admit I am the type to need to be in a relationship). This whole thing has begun to start arguments as I have tried just spending a little time away from the house on my own. She has agreed to go to counseling with me so we still have to set that up. A lot of people will say it is a Love Languages (check out the book) thing. But at a certain point it just comes down to a person needing a little room to breathe and a person who needs a lot of attention. You and I both married into it and have an obligation to try to make it work I suppose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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