# Going on a vacation while separated? Would you do it?? Please help!



## confusedwifeandmum (Nov 14, 2015)

Hi all,

So bit of background...my husband and I separated approx 3 weeks ago. It was completely out of the blue after a minor argument, he told me he didn't know if he loved me anymore and wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me. He says there is nobody else in the picture and he is currently living with his parents. We have a 2yr old son who I'm looking after by myself atm. So the situation is, before he told me all of this, we had a prebooked overseas vacation (without my son). It's only for a week and he says he is still going to go with or without me. He says he wants to go on this holiday to see if we can have fun together but he hasn't said he wants to try and work it out with me. Whenever I ask him he says he's unsure, so I'm basically in limbo... 

Now i'm not sure if I should go on this holiday. All of the contact I have had with him over this past 3 weeks has shown me that he has little to no interest in trying to save our marriage. He is not interested in seeing a counsellor at this stage either. If I don't go on this holiday and he goes without me then that would be the end of our relationship (on my part). For the sake of my family I am leaning towards going but I feel like it's just delaying the inevitable and he will divorce me anyway. Because he can't give me a yes/no answer if he wants to work it out, I'm so confused if I should go and 'try' see what happens and if we can re-kindle whatever is left of our relationship.

Please help.....would you go??

Thanks in advance


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Gosh, that is a really tough one. Since the separation is so new and so sudden, I would tend to say go, if he wants you to go. I don't see why he would want you to go if he did not at least thnk there is a chance for your marriage. But I would want to hear from him that he wants things to work out and to make the trip as a sort of reunion/fresh start. Not saying things would work out for sure, but if he did agree it would be a start.

If he is not interested to committing even verbally to taking the trip together as a way to get back what you once had, presumably, then I would stay home and start planning my life. You need to get him to clarify what it would mean if you go, versus if you don't.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Do not go. He wants OP to go because he wants to have the company and maybe free sex. Take him at his word, call his bluff, he wants a separation, give him one. 

By hanging around and going on a trip you are basically saying that he can treat you whatever way he wants, he says 'jump' you say 'how high?" You must value yourself more than this. I would also do some sleuthing to see if anyone else is lined up for holiday, maybe stake out the airport. Do you have the ticket with your name? 

You need to start doing things to protect yourself. Your H sounds selfish and immature and are you sure there is no-one in the wings, a very unusual scenario for him to just up and leave. No decent man just walks out on their family like this.
Do the 180, no contact, follow through
I hope everyone knows that he has basically walked out of your marriage, friends, family, etc do not hide it or cover it up, this is on him (regardless of whether there is a future or not)
Get a good lawyer and draw up the papers, if he is not interested then you are not going to wait around, do not be his Plan B.

You are probably in a state of shock, get some IC to help you through this, surround yourself with good friends/family for support. Show him that life goes on and is good.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

"For the sake of my family I am leaning towards going but I feel like it's just delaying the inevitable and he will divorce me anyway. Because he can't give me a yes/no answer if he wants to work it out, I'm so confused if I should go and 'try' see what happens and if we can re-kindle whatever is left of our relationship.

Please help.....would you go??"

I don't think I would. If he won't give you an answer about whether he wants it to work it out, and you're confused, I think it is best you not go. If you think he's going to divorce you anyway and the outcome is inevitable, I wouldn't put yourself through that. 

Without going into a lot of detail, I will just say that I let my h accompany me on an important event in the life of my family, and while for the most part he was good and sweet and supportive, once the event was over and before we left to come home, he did something that really disappointed me and hurt me badly. Since you seem to have resolve that your marriage end and you seem to be in a good space about it and okay with it, and he hasn't done a huge amount of damage, I think it would be wise to avoid inviting any more hurt or disappointment. And I think it might be possible that if you did go, there might some expectation or hope that things could work out, which would mean if he DID do something to disappoint or hurt you, you'd feel it even more deeply. If you're in the process of detaching from him, and you seem to doing well at it, it is possible this trip would set you back.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

aine said:


> Do not go. He wants OP to go because he wants to have the company and maybe free sex. Take him at his word, call his bluff, he wants a separation, give him one.


+1. Tell him to go by himself. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlla-AZhYeA


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don't go.


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

aine said:


> Do not go. He wants OP to go because he wants to have the company and maybe free sex. Take him at his word, call his bluff, he wants a separation, give him one.
> 
> By hanging around and going on a trip you are basically saying that he can treat you whatever way he wants, he says 'jump' you say 'how high?" You must value yourself more than this. I would also do some sleuthing to see if anyone else is lined up for holiday, maybe stake out the airport. Do you have the ticket with your name?
> 
> ...


Agreed!


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## confusedwifeandmum (Nov 14, 2015)

Thanks all for your advice..

I really feel like he's pushing me away so I end the marriage and not him. I do still love him and want to try and work things out but the more he pushes me away and upsets me, the more I am shutting down emotionally. 

He's also says he doesn't want to have sex with me...I've asked him to show me affection but he says it's hard for him to just 'turn on the affection'. I just don't understand it. I've asked him countless times if there is anyone else and he says no. 

If I go on this holiday, financially I will be probably worse off if we do legally separate and I will end up divorced. On the flip side a miracle might happen and he may want to reconcile. If I don't go, then it will be the end of our relationship, permanently.

He says he wants me to go but because he can't give me a yes/no answer that he wants to try and work things out, it leaves me confused about my decision on the trip. Wish I wasn't in this situation!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Can you get a refund for your part of the trip? I just wonder if he'd take someone with him if you don't go.

I'm not suggesting that you got just to make sure he goes alone. Just wondering if you could get your money back.

If he does go, you might want to find out who he is taking with him... perhaps go to the airport and see if he is with anyone.


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## confusedwifeandmum (Nov 14, 2015)

Nope can't get a refund for the trip unfortunately. I will lose approx $3k by not going. He won't be able to change the name on the flights either. I did ask if he was going to go with someone else and he said no. But who knows....


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I know I watch way too much Investigation Discovery, but I would not go on a vacation in another country with a man I was in high conflict with.....


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I wouldn't go either. 
Even if you find time to relax, you'll have to interact with him. That wouldn't be a vacation for me under the circumstances.


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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

Go by yourself.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You still love him and want to save the marriage. You can't get a refund for the trip. I say go. Set a time limit, say 2 weeks or whatever after you get back, he HAS to make a choice or you'll make it for him and file for divorce. Then follow through.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

header said:


> Go by yourself.


Another excellent idea. Tell HIM to stay home.


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

Don't go. About a month into my first separation my wife booked a big expensive family trip. I didn't say no because I was still hopeful, thinking that she must still have feelings if she's doing this. The trip was heartbreaking for me. She had no interest in reconnecting with me. She used me because she knew she wouldn't be able to afford trips like that post-divorce. Be strong and give him the separation he wants. Except tell him you're going on the trip and he is not.


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## tijiajones (Nov 15, 2015)

Good luck what
you choose


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## confusedwifeandmum (Nov 14, 2015)

Thanks again all. Well he came over today and told me he thinks we should move on with our lives. So I guess I won't be going on the trip and my marriage is over. No more limbo. The worst part is that he couldn't even tell me how he felt and end it in private, it was all in front of our son who was sitting on my lap while I bawled my eyes out. Later tonight he also posted a pic on Facebook like he's having a great old time and changed his profile pic (which was of the 2 of us previously ). I don't know who this man is, definitely not the decent person I married


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Not to upset you, and I could be wrong, but either he found someone new or he decided marriage wasn't for him. I tend to think the former due to his sudden behavior, but either way it leaves you in the lurch. 

He's not very sensitive is he? Telling you right in front of your son. I think you'll be better off without him. This time, don't cling. Cut the tethers for good, get your ducks in a row, and carry on. Start by blocking him from FB. You don't need to drive yourself mad looking at his life. What he does, doesn't matter now. Keep the "door" firmly shut and bolted to him (figuratively speaking). You have you and your son to worry about.


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## Dusty72 (Sep 16, 2015)

I had exactly the same issue,was separated for four weeks,had a holiday booked with my stbxw,it was too late to cancel so we went...
Had a wonderful time,sex,intimacy....thought we were on the right track to reconcile....once home reality crept back in two months later she filed for divorce ....saying " I tried,but I'm not in love with you anymore" when I questioned that we had such a fantastic holiday together..she just said that it was not reality....some sort of fantasy!!!
So it didn't work for me,even though I was working on our marriage when we got back..
My advice...i don't think it makes any difference....its just delaying the inevitable..sorry
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Don't go and your husband will probably come back to you (though, I would just tell him to f*** off).

Go and you can be sure he'll pursue divorce as soon as you're back.

Your choice.


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## RisingSun (Nov 1, 2015)

I wouldn't. The first time my stbxw left the marriage, she wanted for us to go to NYC together for a romanticized "one last trip".

After asking her what planet she was living on, I said no, that I would not want to go on a trip with a woman who wanted to leave our marriage. She said her mom thought it was a good idea, but I think it was her hope that we'd reconnect. 

My stbxw also suggested we spend Christmas together with out families for "one last Christmas".

She's now left a second time. Life is nutty.


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