# My Husband Is Terrible With Money And It's Tearing Us Apart!!



## ebsis1971 (Nov 4, 2013)

Hello all!!

I am so broken right now and confused right now

My husband and I have been together for 4 years and married 2 1/2 of the 4 years.

He is so terrible with money and i just cannot take it anymore. I don't want to get a divorce because i do love him but he is so irresponsible with money that i have built up so much resentment towards him.

my husband is in real estate so it's kind of off and on for him. however, he has jobs on the side that brings him in extra cash. now, what he does with this money, i have no idea because it does not come my way at all.

we have received so many eviction notices that i can't even count anymore. He only takes on the responsibility of paying the rent and will not pay for anything else. All the other expenses fall on me. that leaves me living pay check to pay check. 

i had a second job when we first started dating and this job was paying me more for working part-time than my day job. My part-time was just too stressful. After a year of marriage he told me that i could let go of my second job and that he would chip in more so that i don't feel the raft of missing that second income. Well, i have yet to see this happen. i'm always robbing peter to pay paul and i have taken out numererous loans just to keep afloat. Now this man brings in thousands of dollars and will not offer me any help at all. I know this sounds unrealistic but it's the truth. he may help out on occasions but that's it. But let me clear up occasions. he paid my cell phone bill once and he paid my car note all of maybe 5 times in total. He bought me a nice pocket book, a pair of sneakers and a nice coat. 

i am thankful for all of those things but that's what he calls helping out. What about gas & electric, water, cable, food, clothes ect. I have a teenage daughter who needs things but i cannot provide for her like i want to because every time i get paid, all of my money goes on bills.

He always trusting people to take his money and invest in things but he always ends up losing. i tell him time and time again that he needs to take care of home first and whatever is left, then you do what you want. Somehow he just cannot grasp that concept. how i know this is because we are facing eviction again!!!

i have complained and complained to him that i need help and but to no avail. he feels that him paying the rent only should cut it. He has two cars which i did not agree with at all but my words mean nothing. he went to gamble one time and he won $9,000 and he gave me $1,000 of it and told me, " now don't say that i have never done anything for you!!". and i believe that he would not have given me that if i had not seen it.

i have been trying to find another part-time job but i feel as though if i get another job to pay all of these bills, then i don't need him there. When we got married he didn't have much and i will admitt, i held down everything. but i was able to do that because i was doing really well with both jobs. i mean i was able to a lot in addition to me paying all of the bills. but somehow, he got lost in space when he started making all of the money. He still felt as though i could handle things on my own. But even if i was able to handle things on my own, the husband is still suppose to provide right? 

i don't trrust him at all when it comes to money and i was trying to figure out a way of telling him this without him taking offense. He is a very sensitive man and cannot handle the truth at all!!!

The other night he told me that he was getting a two family house so that we could rent it out. Now the line of business that he's in, he will get money off of the house because he's the seller. He wants to put the house in my name but i had some reservations about this. 1. i didn't even know about this plan until my credit alert let me know that i had an inquiry. 2. because i feel like he's making a hasy decision to get money fast because of the holidays. 3. which should be # 1, he will blow all of the money and then i'm left with this house in my name that i cannot afford.

Well, i finally mustered up the strength to tell him how i felt, and believe me, i approached this with so much care and caution. but it didn't help at all. he blew up at me like a wild cat!!! he was so offended that we are so distant that anyone can feel it. i tried talking to him to make him feel better, i'm trying to appease him in every way possible but it's not working and i've had enough!!!

i am the one who should be so distant right now. he keeps leaving my daughter and i out there for dead but yet i'm the one who's left feeling guilty because i had to tell him the truth about himself. i am so exhausted from years of this in addition to his infidelities. 

Am I wrong for feeling this way!! I think i want out. i can do bad by myself.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Run a credit report on him. See what he is hiding.


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## Susieatwork (Oct 25, 2013)

Ebsis. Do not let this man drag you down financially any more. START SEPARATING your financial lives as soon as you read this message. Close joint accounts, cancel joint credits cards. Given that he is not contributing to the household, he should not be robbing it. Before you address any other issues in the relationships, tell him that you love him but that you each need to be responsible for your own financial decisions and their consequences. 


His financial irresponsibility is extreme (e.g., to the point of eviction notices) and you need to protect yourself as best as you can. Do NOT let him buy a house in your name, as when it inevitably goes into foreclosure your credit will be destroyed and you'll be left holding the bag. 

He is acting like a child, and you cannot keep appeasing this man at the expense of your long-term financial stability and that of your daughter. He clearly does not respect your opinion and is resistant to change. 

If you have access, get him to watch a few episodes of "Till Debt Do us Part" and "Money Moron." You could also learn a lot by watching them - yes, it's a reality series but it highlights financial problems in relationships better than anything else I've seen. 

Unfortunately, your H is not alone. We are a credit-driven, materialistic society who soothe our emotional problems with consumerism. Many people are STUPID with money. I am reformed, in small part due to Gail Vaz Oxalade, her tough approach, and seeing her help out couples who are squandering


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Truth is, you are not saving anything. Well, other than YOU being his safe place to land. Move out and move on. Maybe THEN he'll listen to you and hand over ALL FINANCES to you. And if he doesn't, then you're still better off, not carrying his debt.


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

Does he have a drug or gambling problem?


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

Tell him to buy the house in his name only when he has enough in savings to pay the mortgage and expenses for a few months in case the tenants move out. It can take months to make repairs in between tenants.

Finances are a huge deal breaker sometimes. Especially when your partner won't try to prevent you from being homeless.

Has he lived on his own before and managed living expenses solo?


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

I'm only asking this because you had mentioned it in your post but --- Are you sure he's not involved in another affair and his money is going to pay her expenses? 

He's not going to change because he knows when push comes to shove you will find the money to keep the cell phones on and the electricity running. So what is his motive for handing you over anything. Marriages are supposed to be partnerships and he is paying himself WAY TOO MUCH! 

Many people stay in marriages because it is "cheaper to keep her" (or him). Not the case for you. You'd be better off on your own with your daughter. And how DARE he not pay the rent on time and risk putting your family on the street!! 

Next time he buys you an expensive gift, return it and buy something your daughter needs. She's sacrificing over his financial infidelity too. 

Oh, and yeah, DO NOT put that house in your name. Have no part of that whatsoever! Refuse to sign any of those documents. That would be a terrible, terrible mistake!!!!!!!!


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## ebsis1971 (Nov 4, 2013)

thank you all for your responses! i really needed it. the only joint account we have is one of my credit cards, and i have already taken his name off of it. But he does not know it. i'm even getting sick to my stomach just thinking about him finding out because his attitude sucks big time!!

i hate even feeling like this. he takes everything so offensively especially when it comes to me telling him about his behavior. and the funny thing is, i knew that once i told him how i felt about him and his spending, he would hit the roof. i really can't understand why he doesn't see this as a problem. Us getting numerous eviction notices doesn't seem to be an issue to him. he seems to think that i have no valid reason to be upset or want to leave him.

he's not on drugs. he says that he has a gambling addiction and i do believe that that is part of it. but i know for sure that it is not drugs. and now he's all mad at me, not really talking to me, no affection, just really, really cold. he jsut started asking me questions like, "aren't you tired of arguing so much, don't you want me gone. if you have such a big complaint about me, why are you here?" and it just goes on and on.

he is really acting like have done something to him and i've done nothing but stick with him and love him unconditonally even through all of the broken promises, all of the let downs and even his cheating.

i am so emotionally, physically and mentally drained!!!


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## ebsis1971 (Nov 4, 2013)

irishgilrva, i was thinking the exact same thing about his expenses going towards his affair. in fact, that it what made him admitt to a gambling problem. i kept accusing him of taking care of the woman that he has cheated on me with on numerous occasions. i felt like it had to be going to her because it is not coming in my house in no way form or fashion!!

and now because he's broke, he wants to get rich quick off of me to help him pay his debt and take care of his children for the holidays. The children are not with me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Stop giving him any money. Pay the bills and buy food. If he wants other money, he can go out and get it. In the meantime, start a savings account that only you can access, and start putting money in it so you can move out.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

He also sounds a little narcissistic - as if he feels he 'deserves' to have whatever money he has and can spend it however he wants with no regard to anyone else. I went through the get rich quick schemes and being berated for not wanting to take risk. Ended up with 2 homes in foreclosure (rental and residence) and lots of debt. Took YEARS to get my credit record clean and have money in savings.

Most reasonable people with these issues would agree to put all money into a house hold account with one person responsible for paying the bills and putting a pre-agreed upon amount into individual accounts plus agreeing to consult on any purchase or investment over a certain dollar amount. 

But my guess is he would find that 'demeaning' since the money he earns is "his" money while the money you earn is household money. You say several times you are afraid. No one deserves to live in fear.

It will be tough and scary to leave but the hard and scary part will be very short lived. In a months' time you could feel very peaceful knowing the bills are paid and will be paid every month. Time to move on.


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## julianne (Sep 18, 2013)

Do NOT buy a house in your name. If you can't afford to pay the mortgage, your credit will be ruined. Be sure that he does not open up new credit cards. If he does, even without your name on the account, you will likely be liable for the debt, as credit card debt is typically community debt in many states.


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## Susieatwork (Oct 25, 2013)

ebsis1971 said:


> i hate even feeling like this. he takes everything so offensively especially when it comes to me telling him about his behavior. and the funny thing is, i knew that once i told him how i felt about him and his spending, he would hit the roof. i really can't understand why he doesn't see this as a problem. Us getting numerous eviction notices doesn't seem to be an issue to him. he seems to think that i have no valid reason to be upset or want to leave him.
> 
> he's not on drugs. he says that he has a gambling addiction and i do believe that that is part of it. but i know for sure that it is not drugs. and now he's all mad at me, not really talking to me, no affection, just really, really cold. he jsut started asking me questions like, "aren't you tired of arguing so much, don't you want me gone. if you have such a big complaint about me, why are you here?" and it just goes on and on.
> 
> ...


So, not only is this man putting you in the poorhouse, he is being repeatedly unfaithful and putting you at risk of STDS. In addition, he has a gambling addiction that he hasn't got help for? Real winner here . . . not. 

I suggest you re-examine your sense of self-worth, and make a speedy exit plan. You deserve more than you are subjecting yourself to. Leave him to his own devices - it will be good riddance to bad rubbish.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

I'am so sorry to ask this but you dated this man for four years right? Did you watch him in how he handled his money? Did you notice anything odd while you dated and did you combine your accounts while you were dating? I ask this because a lot of the times people do not change their initial behavior from dating to marriage especially since you have been together for some time.


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## ebsis1971 (Nov 4, 2013)

krismimo, that's a good question. when i was working my second job, i was bringing in such a great income that i did not even worry about what he was doing with his money. however, i was getting a little suspicious because he kept coming up short with the rent. i was always too afraid to ask him what the problem was because the way he is as far taking offense to everything, was way worse in the beginning. i really had to walk on eggshells. 

i am showly but surely getting back on my feet now and when i am, it's bye-bye to him. He is like really in attack mode right now. Everything I say to him turns into an argument so i just don't talk anymore. He has been acting this way ever since i told him how i felt about him and his spending. I can't take this behavior anymore and i want out now, but i know everything takes time.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

ebsis1971 said:


> irishgilrva, i was thinking the exact same thing about his expenses going towards his affair. i*n fact, that it what made him admitt to a gambling problem. i* kept accusing him of taking care of the woman that he has cheated on me with on numerous occasions. i felt like it had to be going to her because it is not coming in my house in no way form or fashion!!
> 
> and now because he's broke, he wants to get rich quick off of me to help him pay his debt and take care of his children for the holidays. The children are not with me.


I hate to be blunt, but he is lying to you. You do not know the whole story. You had to fight to get that admission about the "gambling problem". You can bet that there is more to this story than that.

DO NOT allow this to continue. He will ruin you financially. Any major investment (real estate) should be put on hold until you get the truth. Cut him off financially until you get the truth and move forward according to that information. It seems like he is trying to sweep this under the rug to get you to invest YOUR money into him which will most certainly be lost to you. Cut your losses NOW while there is still time.

And you might want to do a little investigating (income/expenses) to see where his (your) money is REALLY going.

The best of luck to you. Stay strong.


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## ebsis1971 (Nov 4, 2013)

survivorwife, you are absolutely right. the amounts of money that he told me that he lost in gambling is just unheard of and i just don't believe it. 

i wish that i had a way of finding out what he is doing with his money but i don't. he will tell me and show me checks and then he deposits them into his account and the rest is history.

we don't have an account together and i'm glad becuase i feel like i'd be the only one contributing and then all the money would be gone.

like right now he's investing every penny into a clothing line that he is trying to start. but he knows that we are facing eviction. if we come up with the money, we will not get evicted. we just went through this and i had to come up with half of the money to pay the rent. i don't feel as though i should have put a dime to it because this is his mess. but if i didn't we would be on the streets right now. now this again.


i'm so tired!!! i love my husband dearly but this i cannot take. i know it's for better of worse, but this is repetitive with him and i don't see him changing for me or anyone else. he keeps saying how he's going to do this and that for me but those are just empty promises that i have heard over and over again. 

if i had a windfall, i'd be gone today.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

ebsis1971 said:


> survivorwife, you are absolutely right. the amounts of money that he told me that he lost in gambling is just unheard of and i just don't believe it.
> 
> i wish that i had a way of finding out what he is doing with his money but i don't. he will tell me and show me checks and then he deposits them into his account and the rest is history.
> 
> ...


Is it possible for you to skim off some of your income and place it in a secret "rainy day" fund? Sell off some jewelry or items and hide the proceeds? Have a yard sale - so to speak? 

The reason I'm suggesting that you acquire and hide a secret stash of money is for your getaway. You say you rent your current residence. What would happen if you were able to have funds set aside, obtain a new rented apartment or residence, and when the rent can't be paid (by him) on your current place, instead of funding it you move elsewhere without him? Leave him with worrying about the unpaid rent?

Yes, I know that you probably signed the lease and will be liable for the rent if he doesn't pay it. The point, however, is that he is also just as liable and more so in the sense that you will have somewhere else to go and he won't. 

You are already in a financial bind because of him. You will always be in a financial bind because of him. But once you can get away from him using you and your money, perhaps it will awaken in him exactly what this is doing to you. If not, then you are one step ahead in dissolving the marriage.

I know it's a difficult situation to be in, but doing nothing will only make it worse.


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## ebsis1971 (Nov 4, 2013)

ahhhhhhh survivorwife, truer words have never been spoken! are you sure you don't know me?? lolololol. you're right, the lease is in my name and the unpaid rent will definitely fall on me.

i am so lucky to have found this forum. i really felt so alone in this and i honestly did not know that others had experience with this. 

i just had to snap on him over the phone because he called and asked me why do i have the thermostat for the heat set. and i told him that i was tired of paying these outrageous heating bills and if i set it, it will cut costs. he says,"well i dont know how this is going to work because i get cold at night." and i said, "you are sleeping so it shouldnt bother you becauase you're under the warm blankets. and furthermore, you're not the one paying the bill or even trying to contribute so you should not be complaining!!" Sssslam!!! goes the phone. but whatever.


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## ebsis1971 (Nov 4, 2013)

oh and yes survivorwife, i am going to start a secret stash. i had one before but i had to pay the back rent again.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

ebsis1971 said:


> ahhhhhhh survivorwife, truer words have never been spoken! are you sure you don't know me?? lolololol. you're right, the lease is in my name and the unpaid rent will definitely fall on me.
> 
> i am so lucky to have found this forum. i really felt so alone in this and i honestly did not know that others had experience with this.
> 
> i just had to snap on him over the phone because he called and asked me why do i have the thermostat for the heat set. and i told him that i was tired of paying these outrageous heating bills and if i set it, it will cut costs. he says,"well i dont know how this is going to work because i get cold at night." and i said, *"you are sleeping so it shouldnt bother you becauase you're under the warm blankets. and furthermore, you're not the one paying the bill or even trying to contribute so you should not be complaining!!" Sssslam!!! goes the phone. but whatever*.


:smthumbup: Love it!

Is your name on his cell phone account? If so, I'd cancel that. Also, do you have expanded (extra channels) on your cable bill? I'd cut that one down as well.

Maybe if you cut back (and stash the profits in your "rainy day fund", he'll get the message. If not, you will still have the "rainy day fund" to fall back on.

Why is the lease in your name? When does it expire? Maybe that could be your target date to leave (when the lease expires)?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Oh dear, I am so sorry. Your husband is an addict...gambling..drugs...whatever...but his behavior is textbook....the lying...the defensive blameshifting when you call him on it. You owe it to your daughter to either give him an ultimatum to get professional help or leave him.


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## ebsis1971 (Nov 4, 2013)

he moved in with me after selling his house from his first marriage. i don't even believe that anymore. and no, he has his own cell phone account. he asked to be put on my account but i told him that i didn't think that would be a good idea. he didnt get offended by that because deep down inside he knew that it wouldnt be a good idea. that was because he was cheating and i'd have easy access to his account.

i'm now on a month to month lease. Once you've been living there for one year, it becomes month to month. However, they will still hit me with the balance that's left over and that will go on my credit report and damage me for the future.

i'm going to call and cut down on the cable bill as well. we dont need it. i try to cut down on food costs also but that's so hard to do.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

ebsis1971 said:


> he moved in with me after selling his house from his first marriage. i don't even believe that anymore. and no, he has his own cell phone account. he asked to be put on my account but i told him that i didn't think that would be a good idea. he didnt get offended by that because deep down inside he knew that it wouldnt be a good idea. that was because he was cheating and i'd have easy access to his account.
> 
> *i'm now on a month to month lease.* Once you've been living there for one year, it becomes month to month. However, they will still hit me with the balance that's left over and that will go on my credit report and damage me for the future.
> 
> i'm going to call and cut down on the cable bill as well. we dont need it. i try to cut down on food costs also but that's so hard to do.


Perfect! Month to Month. That means you can give 30 days notice to your landlord - then leave. No further liability whatsoever. You can notify your landlord to take you off the lease effective 30 days from whenever you decide, and if your H wants the lease in HIS name, HE will have to renegotiate with the landlord. As far as your credit report goes, if you have paid up your monthly rent and you move elsewhere, giving your landlord the appropriate notice, it will not effect your credit report.

Things are not as bleak as they may seem. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why don't you just move out?


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## ebsis1971 (Nov 4, 2013)

Tunera, i wish that it was that easy. i was so busy taking care of everything and helping him each and every time he has fell behind in the rent that i have no money saved and cannot move anywhere. But believe me, going forward, money will be saved. if we have to go on a ramen noodle diet, that's what we will do.


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