# Herpes and marriage



## hex2 (Jan 9, 2016)

Hello,

Need some advise on a situation.

Dating a girl whom I found while overseas...currently we are in a long distance relationship.

She trusts me and I love her, we often talk about marriage and are on the same page about it.

She is a virgin and I have herpes.

I have grown to live with it, however I don't impose that on her.

I'm wondering how I could bring the subject or be able to express it to her.

Appreciate your help.


Thanks.
Hex


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

hex2 said:


> Hello,
> 
> Need some advise on a situation.
> 
> ...


*You need to get yourself to a medical professional and get evaluated on a "best possible case" basis to find out exactly what strain that you have.

If it is a minor, treatable strain, then that would be something that would be doable and she probably wouldn't mind much at all! However, if it is a more serious strain, then she needs to know that as well!

Either way, get retested and whatever the news is, you need to share it with her and plan for it together!

If she truly loves you, then I would say that she would adhere to the old adage, "Where there's a will, there's a way!"

Best of luck to you two!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Herpes is not a huge deal, in and of itself...unless you don't disclose, AND give her the option of deciding if the "risk" is worth it. 

I freaked out once when I feared I had caught it about 12 years ago. Really screwed with my head until the tests came back negative. But in my research while I was in "limbo", I learned a lot. More than a lot. I'm a "research freak" (oftentimes to my detriment) but I don't like being misinformed. 

It is "manageable" to a good degree. If you are up front to her, tell her, explain it to her, and be able to *effectively articulate* how it can be managed, and how her chances of catching it are probably far less from someone who is up front about it, honest about it, and who knows how to minimize the risks versus continuing in the dating pool with so many who do not even realize they have it or know they do and fail to disclose, you've got a shot....if she's willing to listen.

Roughly 70% of adults carry a virtually identical virus on their faces by the time they're 50, with half of them not even aware they are. Some woman gets so wound up about herpes (manageable to a great degree), after you've been honest and forthcoming, that she's going to dump you? Move on. She's likely not worth it. 

Personally, I'd sooner date someone who had it, disclosed it, knew how to manage it, and allowed me via the disclosure to make an informed and educated decision if I should continue, versus jumping back into the dating pool of the unknowing, or non-disclosing. But that's just me. 

My W who I've been with almost 10 years has HSV1 (otherwise known as "oral herpes" (politically correctly known as "cold sores"). She disclosed on our second date. That did not deter me. Well...maybe initially. But again, I did my research. In all this time, she knows the symptoms and when they're coming on, and tells me. Sometimes it sucks...not to kiss for a week or two if she fears she's getting ready to have an outbreak...or for several weeks or so if she actually has one. However, in those 10 years, I still have not caught it. And I often wonder what kind of disservice would I have done to myself had I "nexted her" when she told me. 

Disclosure. Awareness. Understanding. Discipline (that's a biggie, and can be a little tough in the moment of passion). Chances are, everyone will be just fine. But give her the chance to decide. I know I appreciated the chance...and have never regretted it.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

There are medications that can cull outbreaks. You can pass it on while not in an active outbreak as well.

Acyclovir is one of the antivirals they use for both HSV 1 (I have HSV 1) and HSV 2 (1 is oral but can present in rare cases in genital areas or any mucous membranes - 2 is genital)

There is l-lysene which can help (supplement) but always consult either a natural MD or western med MD before starting anything.

The antivirals would be a lifelong low dose medication you would be taking.

I can't take the antivirals because it caused massive vertigo (from my MS).

Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Disclose. Marrying her without telling her first is incredibly selfish and foolish on your part. Better to have her dump you before marriage than to move her thousands of miles from home, marry her, and then have her find out and want to leave you. or worse, stay married but stop sleeping with you. Any thought you have that it might be best to movie the relationship forward without telling her is a thought you should discard. it is by far the worst choice. Bar none.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Meanwhile, spend some time reading here: 

The Original Herpes Home Page

It is a place much like this with forums dedicated to that issue and that issue alone, with sound medical, practical, and personal advice.


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## lifestill (Feb 29, 2016)

May be you can ask professional ones to get more answers here: 
MPWH | #1 Herpes Dating Site & App for HSV Singles

good luck!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

If this is someone you intend to marry you should be able to talks out anything and you have an obligation to disclose this. I would tell her then send her links with information about it as well as how you plan to manage it. That way she can make an informed decision on if she wants to continue with the relationship or not. Just be honest.


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## Handlehard (Mar 3, 2016)

Find a time when the two of you can be alone. It is preferable to bring up the subject long before you are heavily into foreplay. Rather, choose a time when it looks like things could get sexual, but haven’t gotten there yet. You may wish to begin by saying something like “It looks more and more like our relationship is developing into something sexual. Before that happens, I need to let you know something that may present us with a challenge. I have genital herpes.” Don’t expect that the fi rst time you do this you will be calm, cool and collected. You may even back out once or twice.

Avoid words such as “terrible, incurable, and incredibly painful.” Try to be as matter of fact as you can. If it helps, practice in front of a mirror, or try it out on a close friend fi rst. Would you feel so awkward about telling someone you were diabetic, or had a heart condition? Probably not, but this seems different because it involves your sexuality.

Anyone who dates should be prepared for rejection. The person you're seeing may beat a hasty retreat when he or she finds out you have genital herpes. If you get the "I just want to be friends" talk after telling your sweetheart you have herpes, consider this: He or she may have already been looking for a way out, and herpes was as good an excuse as any. What's more, anyone who disdains or humiliates you for having herpes was never worth your while.

Keep dating, and you will find someone who wants to be with you regardless of your condition. There are certainly some who wouldn't mind keeping the intimacy level just short of doing things that could transmit the virus. And of those people, it's likely that at least one will come around, and say, "Hey, I understand there's a risk, but I'm crazy about you, so I'm willing to take it."

Depending on your dating style, you might look for another person who knows he or she has herpes, if only to avoid having to discuss it. If you already use dating services or personal ads, you can also use  online herpes dating sites for people with genital herpes.


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## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

A woman I dated disclosed to me after about a month of dating, before sex was on the table.

She didn't hit me with a load of research, or overwhelm me with knowledge, I was able to do my own research and make my own decision.

I was very appreciative of her choosing to disclose this the way that she did.

"Giggity Giggity!"


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

The sooner you tell her the better. This is rough if you are already in love...she probably is too. 

For other readers, it's always a good idea to disclose this infomation as soon as you are sure the relationship has long term sexual potential. I dated a wonderful gentleman, we had fast chemistry and excellent attraction with our personalities. He told me about something similar on date 2. He ended up in his situation because an ex flat out lied to him, and never owned up to it. He swore he would never do that to another person, even if it meant he missed out on a lot of great girls. He said he always disclosed quickly and most women took a pass. 

I genuinely appreciated his honesty, so much so that he and I even went to my gyno to discuss it in detail so I could make informed decisions. Honestly I knew nothing about std's, so I needed to learn, and I did.

Back to the OP, just get it out there. "I have a medical condition I need to tell you about before this goes any further. I've been very nervous to say it and have been trying to tell you for a while. I want you to have all the information and time you need to make the best decision for yourself. What I have is called "x" and I have some links I want to send you that you can read about it on." Then she will have questions, and probably be somewhat upset you didn't tell her sooner, so you will need to fix that part in how you handle it.

Please don't do this over typing or texting. Look her in the eye, even if only on Skype, so she sees your feeling behind your words.

If she is in love, most likely she will accept this and educate herself. I know it wouldn't keep me from being with a person I love. I hope it goes smooth and I wish you both a life of love and happiness.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

You need to tell her BEFORE any sexual contact happens. My best friend is married to a man who has herpes. He did not tell her until they were dating for about a year and had had sex numerous times – always without protection because he’d long ago had a vasectomy and she’d had her uterine lining burned off and couldn’t get pregnant so she assumed there was no risk. He had been married for 10 years+ when they met so she didn’t think about STD’s – turns out his former fiancé from many, many years back had cheated on him and he’d had it long before he got married. 

Anyway, she felt quite betrayed when he finally told her, freaked out and went and got tested. Luckily, she didn’t have it. Apparently he’d at least been considerate enough to not have sex with her when he was having an outbreak. They’ve now been together about 12 years and she still doesn’t have it, but she at least now knows what to look out for and she can make the choice to continue having sex with him or not.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

This is an old thread...but. 



LosingHim said:


> You need to tell her BEFORE any sexual contact happens.


I would want to know before even meeting for the first date or at least on the first date. I think it's inconsiderate to waste someone's time if there is a potential deal-breaker you are hiding. However, my understanding, and I am no doctor, is that if you have oral cold sores (usually HSV1), that, to some degree, inoculates you from future infections from HSV1 or HSV2. So if you have Genital Herpes (HSV2) and you meet someone that has occasional oral cold sores (HSV1), the risk of transmission is greatly reduced. 

Hopefully a successful vaccine will happen soon (like we have for HPV). 

And by the way, the HPV vaccine is not just for kids. Adults should consider it too. 

This website explains it well:
Herpes Virus HSV-1 and HSV-2 Transmission and Transmissibility


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Drive by one post wonder, never came back and the zombie keeps rising from the dead.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

I have the best Herpes story ever.
I've have had face herpes for a long time. I go to a big Rotary meeting with hundreds of people. The guest was an opera singer. She was my very first girl friend. Anyway, she starts singing and walking among all the guests. She gets to my table asks me to stand up and sings to me. I have a monster cold sore on my lip. She sings and then kisses me right on the lips. The second she pulls away she sees my cold sore and look likes she is going to die.

What a day


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

That's a funny story? A great day? 

Yuk


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