# Update; Utterly Destroyed Right Now



## SimpleGuy357 (Jan 12, 2015)

Hello TAM, 

I am the lawyer with the traveling wife that was having affairs around the country for the last few years. I found out about it almost exactly three months ago and posted my story in early January. I wanted to give everyone an update and ask some additional advice. 

First, though, I have to say thanks for the original responses. I read them multiple times a day in the early days of this. I would read them on my phone at night when I was unable to sleep because of the pain and mind movies that would play in my mind non-stop. I turned back to my faith in God and prayed minute by minute, very basic prayers asking for help putting one foot in front of the other. I asked for God's help and his strength because, as your responses let me know, I was going to need it. I'm happy to say that I got the strength I needed. 

It didn't happen in one day's time but gradually. At first I was pathetic and did all the wrong things such as following her around the house, trying to hug/hold her, asking why, etc. That just drove her further from me and she said I was being pathetic. She even found a new guy to "date" a town or two away from where we live. (found out she slept with him twice, more on that later)

Then I implemented the 180, started to concentrate on myself and my children, lost about 35lbs. or so and, whattdayaknow, just a little over two months later she is having second thoughts and is not only attracted to me again but wants to pull the divorce and try to "work on the marriage". 

Being that I'm an attorney, when she filed a divorce complaint against me, I filed a counter-complaint against her. This means that even if she withdrew her divorce complaint, mine would still be in place and we could technically be divorced. I moved into a condo that belongs to some people that spend the winter in Florida. I am a little embarrassed to admit that I went out and met a few women in late January/early February and started FWB relationships. I know this goes against what I know is right and my core values but I was so emasculated and felt like my manhood had been so decimated that I needed to know if there was something wrong with me. Well, it turns out there isn't anything wrong with me. Not only did I get some affection that I was so starved for, I was reminded that I have no problem pleasing a woman and there isn't anything wrong with me. 

This is where things get a bit off track and would ask for your input: I went back to the marital house a few weeks ago and my stbx and I had sex. Not just sex but amazing sex most of the night. I felt sleazy about doing it but at the same time felt vindicated that she wanted me that way after all the things she'd said and done. (I know, this is irrational and stupid on my part) In no way did I think that this would solve what happened or cause the divorce to be called off. (I know, a wise poster said "DON'T HAVE SEX WITH YOUR WIFE")

The next morning my stbx has her wedding ring back on and is wearing a necklace that I gave her twelve years ago. She asks me to stay a little bit longer and we have sex a few more times. 

She is now saying that she wants to end the divorce proceedings and be a married couple again. She even attended a counseling session with me with my therapist, who I had started seeing soon after I discovered all of this. If you recall my original post and I recall how I felt writing it, I wanted some reason to believe that I could save my marriage and keep my family intact (4 kids under 13). Now, I don't know how I can remain married to a serial cheater. The sheer number of times she cheated (over 20 different men she admits to) is not even as bad as the emotional part of her falling in love with some of these men. (who I consider to be total pieces of **** that would sleep with married ladies).

It's almost like the sex is secondary to her emotional love for other men. I'm thinking it is a deal-breaker and if I reconcile with her I'll always be miserable worrying about if she's doing inappropriate stuff when she's not around me. 

I get encouraged both to run from her and to possibly give her another chance. Remember I have young children and I always thought that I was the more stable parent and don't want to leave them 50% or more of the time with a woman that could do God only knows what. 

Only three months later but the thoughts of what she did are my constant companions.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Going back with her and canceling the divorce proceedings would be a bigger mistake than marrying her in the first place.

But you're going to do what you're going to do and nothing anyone says on here is going to change that.

My exwife and I had sex up to and during the early part of the divorce proceedings. It was dysfunctional, it was crazy, but at least we kept moving forward and eventually parted ways.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Is she at all remorseful?

Did the kids know you were there that night you stayed? Wondering how you were able to pull off that much sex with 4 young kiddos! 

Does she know about your friends with benefits you've had?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Divorce her.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

*20 men?* Honestly? And you're seriously considering staying married to her? 

lenzi is right. There is nothing we can say that will influence your decision.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

SimpleGuy357 said:


> Hello TAM,
> 
> I am the lawyer with the traveling wife that was having affairs around the country for the last few years. I found out about it almost exactly three months ago and posted my story in early January. I wanted to give everyone an update and ask some additional advice.
> 
> ...


I *REALLY* want to give ^this^ the line-by-line treatment, but I'm super busy, so I'll just summarize...

Extreme serial cheater looking to rugsweep.

F*ck that noise.

Divorce.

ETA: 20+ OM... AYFKM?!? DNA her children to find out whether or not any of them are actually yours.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Treat her like the wh0re she is in the sack and dump her a$$. She thought you couldn't do better. Now she knows she's easily replaceable. Prove her right. She's trash and you can do better and you know it. So what are you waiting for?


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## dental (Apr 16, 2014)

Sex again, Oopsy Daisy, all ratio out the window, let the rugsweeping begin.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

OP, I don't mean to sound harsh, but you seriously need to go get an STD test after that roll in the hay. 

You have no idea who else she is sleeping with.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Did you learn nothing from the journey she put you through?

Continue with the divorce. even if you decide to stay with her, which i would not do.

Why? You might ask?

So if you do get back with you her you get a prenup in place with a 'cheating' clause in it. If she cheats again? Gets no financial support from you.

But if it were me? I'd divorce and continue enjoying playing the field.

She enjoys playing the field marriage or no marriage. Yuck!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> OP, I don't mean to sound harsh, but you seriously need to go get an STD test after that roll in the hay.
> 
> You have no idea who else she is sleeping with.


For reals.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I would say she is only back with you due to the high of attraction. She may be in love with you now, but once the hormones go baseline if you cannot keep this up, will she leave you again? Is she only back with you because other women have an interest, and she is being territorial. She definitely has impulse control, and you need to think if she is capable or wants to change enough. I think her hard wiring would take years to work on, and that is the risk involved. How mentally healthy she is, and can you be in a relationship with her at the current moment? Again, what is keeping her around and wanting to be with you is the high of reconnection, of being infatuated again. She may be willing now, and there is no guarantee that she will be again if she feels secure enough to push those boundaries.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

What gets me is the sheer contempt she had for you when she saw how devastated you were. Sociopath is what comes to mind. Unbelievable.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Dogbert said:


> What gets me is the sheer contempt she had for you when she saw how devastated you were. Unbelievable.


Indeed.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

As my opinion would be completely negative on your situation I'm afraid at the moment all I can say is

I really hope your future is a happy one once this is all resolved


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Counselor, doesn't it seem even a bit incredulous to you that she's able to change from a promiscuous serial adulterous lifestyle to devoted wife and family woman in a couple of months? 

How often would you think that happens IRL? 

The attraction to that type of excitement is addictive. Success rates for changing addictive behaviors are close to single digits. 

Just do your due diligence for yourself and yout family and go in with your eyes open. 

BTW have you read Dr Glover's NMMNG?

Best


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

20 different men?!?!? Dude, she's a serial cheater. Serial cheaters usually don't stop being cheaters. You go back to her and she will cheat again. It may not be next week, next month or even next year...but it will happen again.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

OP, you can love a sociopath but you don't have to live with her.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Your wife is going to be into you as long as you're unattainable. IF you R...and she has you back...guess what's going to happen.

Your wife is a conqueror/hunter. She gets her thrill associated with love to the chase/hunt etc. It means she's no good for long term relationship. 

But take your chances if you want to.

Sorry but "give her a second chance"? you mean give her a 21st chance...she "blew" her first 20 chances with each OM.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Did you google serial cheaters? How would you even know she's quit? She loves the adventure of it.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

In a scottish accent "I cannae bite"


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

I know how difficult this is since I have chosen to forgive my husband for his infidelity but our marriage is never going to be the same because I'm always wondering when he isn't with me is he with someone else. I guess that is never going to go away. trust is something that is hard to get back once it's broken. the only thing that I could say is be nice to yourself and don't allow her to railroad you into staying unless she has proven herself trustworthy. it's too much energy to keep tabs on someone else's behavior.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Do you still love her?

There is your first clue about what your should do....


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I would never, never, never go back. Stop seeing her and divorce her. She'll only start seeing other guys when she gets board with you. Women like her should never be in committed relationship because they will never be able to stay with one person for long and have no sense of what's morally right.


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)




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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

SimpleGuy357 said:


> I get encouraged both to run from her and to possibly give her another chance.


Who are these people encouraging you to possibly give her another chance? Have them committed because that s*** is insane.

I really have nothing constructive to add other than that you should divorce her. The fact that this isn't clear to you is indicative of the damage that this has done to you. You're hurting, confused and have been devastated.

When you're stronger, more sure of yourself and realize that your happiness and life isn't dependent on her you will see that and I hope you're able to move forward onto a better life.

N.B. Seriously, twenty f****** men (that she has admitted to)!!


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Convince her to continue the divorce. Afterwards you can date and consider a new marriage. All the while, you thinking, divorce, run like hell. If you dont divorce her, you know very well, you will be back in that place, and it will cost even more.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Locke.Stratos said:


> Who are these people encouraging you to possibly give her another chance? Have them committed because that s*** is insane.


My thoughts exactly!

Who ARE these people? Her parents? Her lawyer (because he knows she'll get BURNED)? Your kids -- because *they have no idea Mommy has twenty boyfriends?*

C'mon OP. You're obviously bright. You went to law school. Don't fall prey to womanly wiles.

(To my feminist friends, don't clobber me!)


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

All I can say is I hope you're taking precautions with birth control. 

I know you're confused right now, but you need to take a few steps back and evaluate the situation dispassionately. You're a lawyer, so you're no dummy, but it would be the height of dumbassery to stop divorce proceedings with her.


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## leon1 (Sep 3, 2014)

What has she changed that you would even consider giving her another chance ,is she still travelling for work


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

> It's almost like the sex is secondary to her emotional love for other men. I'm thinking it is a deal-breaker and if I reconcile with her I'll always be miserable worrying about if she's doing inappropriate stuff when she's not around me.


And who wants to live like this? It think you have your answer. 20 men? What was she thinking? I would move on someone who respects you.


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

20 OM's, dude, she's broken......beyond fixable. There's no way she is going to(or can) stay faithful to you.

I bet most folks here would argue she's incapable of staying faithful to anyone at this point.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

You and Daniel and Hemingway share similar stories in that all of you are married to serial cheating wives. You may want to check out Hemingway's thread *Wife's multiple affairs*.


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## OLDERMARRIEDCOUPLE (Mar 13, 2015)

You are an attorney. I assume you have a relatively decent I.Q.

Think with your head. Have you ever really known anyone that truly rehabilitated? Because this lady has a real problem. You may fix her for a short while and she may truly want to be fixed, but you know it won't last. I know that is not the answer you want, but it is true.


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## Cleaver Brooks (Jan 19, 2014)

I feel really bad for your kids. If they ever come to realize the reality of what their mother is, it will be hard to come to terms with it. 

You need to find a good loving relationship with one woman who treats you the way a spouse is supposed to be treated so that they at least have one GOOD example of how a loving marriage is supposed to look


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Have you at least exposed her Affairs?

And have her write a timeline of all her Affairs.

And let all of her A partners have their families find out.

She has no remorse, and she has more APs than she has told you.

And she loves them all. 

Get her out of your life pronto.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

You are now another one added to the 20.........sure the sex was "special".........just like the other 20. She is reeling you in with what she is good at.


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## WhereAreTheGoodTimes (Sep 19, 2014)

> who I consider to be total pieces of **** that would sleep with married ladies)


That's the truth!

There is also no reason you can't reconcile and go through with the divorce. Seems like that would tell you her true intentions if she was staying for financial reasons. 

I can't tell you what to do but obviously she is out of control for some reason. I'm having trouble forgiving one affair and I can't imagine the process you have to go through in your mind to forgive 20 or more relationships. I guess the FIRST one is all that matters and after that it's just details. 

For me it comes down to our shared history, I still love her very much and I do find her sexy and the sex is great. And I like her as a companion. Is that enough for me to stay? Right now it is but I'm taking it one day at a time.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

stop following the bunny-man beta script. I can tell you exactly how this will end. its is not good for you by any measure. so let that alone. you will fail and destroy yourself for nothing.

first. eeewwwww! get an STD test for yourself. 

stop any and all communication. your 180 loss of weight and getting buf is for you and your future real potential relationship.

leave this one in the rear view mirror.
would you date a wh0re like this? jeez, dude. you married one. bail and don't look back and don't bother even thinking back.

man up like you are doing and prep to be a decent, confident guy. man up, alpha up, dude. become a balanced man. not her man-child.

she wants you at home and her party men out there. shes one sick puppy. stop ****. move on shes broken.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

SimpleGuy357 said:


> She is now saying that she wants to end the divorce proceedings and be a married couple again. She even attended a counseling session with me with my therapist, who I had started seeing soon after I discovered all of this. If you recall my original post and I recall how I felt writing it, I wanted some reason to believe that I could save my marriage and keep my family intact (4 kids under 13). Now, I don't know how I can remain married to a serial cheater. The sheer number of times she cheated (over 20 different men she admits to) is not even as bad as the emotional part of her falling in love with some of these men. (who I consider to be total pieces of **** that would sleep with married ladies).


 With over 20 sexual lovers, and many other men that she has been in love with, during your marriage to her, from her point of view, marriage has nothing to do with her having a meaningful relationship with a man. Thus divorcing her has has nothing to do with you being in a meaningful relationship with her going forward. Notice that I said "meaningful relationship" and not "exclusive relationship". I did this on purpose because she is just not capable of being exclusive; she does not think that way and never will.

This is a no brainer. You can decide later if you want to be in a meaningful relationship with her or not for the sake of the children, but the divorce must go on.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

My advice to you is simple, which is good since you're a simple guy.

Be honest.

Start by being honest with yourself. Some men are born to tear through life like a lion. Some men are born to run through life, like a gazelle. Some men to born to wallow in mud, like pigs.

And some men are born in life to marry women who have sex with 20 + other men after they get married.

You're one of those latter type of guys, and you need to accept it.

These other women who you dallied with? You need to be honest with them, also, and let them know what kind of guy you are.

That way they won't have sex with you any more.

And you need to be honest with your wife.

I like drama and angst as much as the next person, but honesty dictates that you look at your actions, not the silly noises that issue from your mouth.

You want to get back together with her, so do it, and let her know that the drama is just that, and she can ignore it when the next guy she wants to be naughty with comes along.

But, hey, it reads like you've ignored every single piece of GOOD advice you've gotten, so just stay the course, person.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

Dude.....she takes her rings off quicker than her panties. The councilor, ring wearing, canceling the divorce.....is all a manipulation game to get what she wants. Right now its you. She is probably also using the kids as a weapon to convince you to not get a divorce. Like she even gives a sh!t about them!!! She obviously didn't care enough about them before. Why should she now? Willing to bet top dollar that she is just attending counseling sessions with you to get you to think she is serious. In all reality she's just waiting for the hotter guy to come around and have another **** put into her. You don't go buying used underwear where other men have had their junk touching the fabric do you?


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

Simple, what happens if develop, God forbid, Cancer, or some other disease that makes you bed ridden for a time. She gonna be there? Doubt it.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

kenmoore14217 said:


> Simple, what happens if develop, God forbid, Cancer, or some other disease that makes you bed ridden for a time. She gonna be there? Doubt it.


 I cannot like this enough. This hits the hammer right on the head. She will not be there for you in good times and in bad, only the good times. That is not what marriage is about.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I believe that most relationships can be saved, if both parties work to fix the problems. The problem I see here is that while she may be feeling contrite in the short run, I have grave concerns she would sustain the effort. I understand you wanting to have sex with her to prove to both her and yourself that you are the better man. I believe that to be a true statement, but I get the impression that she gets bored easily and when the butterflies and rainbows subside, she will yearn for the next flavor of the month. I think that the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior and her track record is not good. Think long and hard before committing to reconciliation, I just don't think she is a good bet (sorry). There are lots of women that would love to have what you offer and remain faithful to you.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

If you are going to get back with her, and seriously in my opinion you are better off without her, there need to be consequences regarding her foul behavour.

If she refuses to give you all access to elctronic devices, passwords, complete transparancy about her whereabouts, cease all contact with any male friends and acknowledge any form of contact with the opposite sex is off limits then run for the hills.

If you are to reconcile it must be done strictly under your terms with you calling the shots.

I'm afarid to say your wife seems like she has got a dose of what single life without the comforts you provide has to offer and she most likely found that the grass was not greener on the other side, hence the sudden remorse.


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## SimpleGuy357 (Jan 12, 2015)

Everyone is right about this. It's wrong and makes no sense at all. I am still terribly hurt and feel like this pain isn't going away anytime soon. She is rugsweeping and not doing the things that in my mind would make me believe she is going to stop. She just said to me that she is going to look out for number one in life. She isn't going to reassure me that this isn't going to happen again. This marriage is over. It's nonexistent. There is no bond. I'm hurting so bad. Nobody around me has any idea how bad this hurts. I feel like I ruined my life with this person. It's been a waking nightmare


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Years ago my H and I were considering a move to a very pricey state from our low-key, low priced home state. We already had a lovely home and found ourselves with a realtor in the new state looking at what were tiny little boxes with million-dollar price tags. At first we were downhearted, thinking we would never afford the move. As the day wore on, though, and we looked at nicer, more expensive houses, we started to actively delude ourselves that we could afford to buy a 2 million dollar home (selling off our first-born, etc.). If we had proceeded, we would have saddled ourselves with huge debt and been miserable, so it's good that we came to our senses.

This is, in my opinion, what you are doing with your WW. The shock of 20+ OM's (and the + here is meaningful; I bet there are many more) has worn off to some degree. You are actually considering picking up your life with her again. She is, however, the mistake that that 2 million dollar home would have been. She will weigh down your life and bankrupt you emotionally.

20+ should be a dealbreaker for anyone. If you weren't so inured to it, you would see that it's a no-brainer.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Knock it off!!!!!!!!!!!

You did nothing wrong!!

years from now when you STBXW is found dead by the postman, surrounded by cats and cat boo....you my friend will be surrounded by people that respect and love you...someone that doesn't look out for #1 but cares for people!

WTF... shake that piss poor additude off and go out and get laid, finalize your D and go find a chick that doesn't look out for #1 but looks out for you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya this shyt sucks...so you can make it suck more or you can go out and take advandage of a second chance.

Never let your ex old lady define you.

Wish her the best and smile.

trust me, her additude with this "look out for #1" bull crap will only bring her regret.

Don't let your kids see you all phucked up ...show them people should care for people, even if there mom doesn't.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Then she's done you a BIG favor. Saving you from years of future heartbreaks.

She's slept with 20 men, that you know of... So the real number it pobably closer to 30/40 men.

What are her standards for a sex partner, a penis and a pulse and yur in?... If you haven't caught an STD yet, consider yourself VERY lucky. "Cause you know she didn't make them use condoms.

And how many times do you think she screwed one of the MANY men, then had sex with you later on that day/night?...

I know you're hurting, but if you try to rebuild your hut at the base of this volcano, you WILL get burned again and again and again...

She has no control. You'll never be able to trust her. If you stayed, I say ther's about a 99.9% chance she'll cheat again... I'll bet she cheated while you were apart. I'd also bet that she contract a permanent STD(If she hasn't already) with in the next five years.

Don't let her pass on a gift that keeps on giving, like herpies, to you. Don't lay down with her again. Use your head, your life may depend on it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

SimpleGuy357 said:


> Hello TAM,
> 
> I went out and met a few women in late January/early February and started FWB relationships. I know this goes against what I know is right and my core values but I was so emasculated and felt like my manhood had been so decimated that I needed to know if there was something wrong with me. Well, it turns out there isn't anything wrong with me. Not only did I get some affection that I was so starved for, I was reminded that I have no problem pleasing a woman and there isn't anything wrong with me.


THIS !

Go find your kids cool step mom and tell you STBX to phuck off!


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

SimpleGuy357 said:


> Everyone is right about this. It's wrong and makes no sense at all. I am still terribly hurt and feel like this pain isn't going away anytime soon. She is rugsweeping and not doing the things that in my mind would make me believe she is going to stop. She just said to me that she is going to look out for number one in life. She isn't going to reassure me that this isn't going to happen again. This marriage is over. It's nonexistent. There is no bond. I'm hurting so bad. Nobody around me has any idea how bad this hurts. I feel like I ruined my life with this person. It's been a waking nightmare


Divorce and distance from her will help you heal. You may feel overwhelmed and utterly destroyed and you probably can't see beyond your pain but you will get through this. This one person doesn't hold the power to ruin your life and desimate you.

Feel sad, depressed, angry, confused, hopeless, pathetic, horrible, it's all part of what you're going through.

You will be back to being fine and happy. Keep up with the changes for yourself, take care of yourself and your children and remove that toxic person from your life. Confide in your close friends and family for support.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

The only reason that your wife wants you now is that you filed for divorce. She enjoys seducing men and is obviously quite good at it. When you became a challenge like the OM she wanted you too. 

As others have said continue with the divorce and DNA the kids. You shouldn’t stay with her but if you do at least divorce will give you some leverage and make you more attractive. 

Think about it. Is a woman that beds 20+ men going to find a loyal husband attractive? You could be Brad Pitt and it wouldn’t matter. She wants a challenge and notches on her bed post. 

Buy DNA kits at WalMart, Amazon of about any drug store for $30 each. Swab the inside of your cheek and the kids’ with a Q-tip. Send the kits to a lab along with $130 more.

Good Luck


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> I *REALLY* want to give ^this^ the line-by-line treatment, but I'm super busy, so I'll just summarize...
> 
> Extreme serial cheater looking to rugsweep.
> 
> ...


Fixed that for ya Gus

55


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

SimpleGuy357 said:


> I feel like I ruined my life with this person. It's been a waking nightmare


You did no such thing! Your life is not ruined! While my ex wasn't a cheater, I spent 20 years with him that I can't get back either.

Guess what? I got out of my lousy marriage, ended the misery, met someone new and wonderful (almost 5 years together now) and have never looked back! I'm 49, and I feel like a young 20-something again. Just eliminate this toxic person from your life, concentrate on moving forward, and it will all start to fall in place.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Graywolf2 said:


> The only reason that your wife wants you now is that you filed for divorce. She enjoys seducing men and is obviously quite good at it. When you became a challenge like the OM she wanted you too.
> 
> As others have said continue with the divorce and DNA the kids. You shouldn’t stay with her but if you do at least divorce will give you some leverage and make you more attractive.
> 
> ...


I agree.

(I have to say that your WW is amazingly well-organized. I had two kids and a career and was constantly pressed for time. She manages to scr*w men regularly while she is busy having four babies and then caring for them. Wonder woman!)


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## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

SimpleGuy, our situation is similar but with different post dday reaction. My wife had no EA, is actually remorseful, has quit her job that required a lot of travelling, and she's the one who initiates physical contact now. You wife is different case, she's remorseless and mindfu<king you at her best. She's like that child in sandbox who's only atrracted to something once someone hold it.That's exactly what's happening to you, you had escaped with better woman and suddenly in her eyes you became shiny toy again, a challenge. Think about it, if you had stayed single during divorce would she contact you back ? Don't think so. She won't even admit that she's wrong and helps you with your issue

Somehow she reminds me of Tammy 2 from parks and rec

If i were you i'd continue with the divorce


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

SimpleGuy357 said:


> Everyone is right about this. It's wrong and makes no sense at all. I am still terribly hurt and feel like this pain isn't going away anytime soon. She is rugsweeping and not doing the things that in my mind would make me believe she is going to stop. She just said to me that she is going to look out for number one in life. She isn't going to reassure me that this isn't going to happen again. This marriage is over. It's nonexistent. There is no bond. I'm hurting so bad. Nobody around me has any idea how bad this hurts. I feel like I ruined my life with this person. It's been a waking nightmare


Sorry to say but it sounds like this is the first honest thing she has said to you. Now divorce her.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

LonelyinLove said:


> Do you still love her?
> 
> There is your first clue about what your should do....


Ya, see a psychiatrist.


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## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

And do a paternity test, if she did this while you marriage was good there's a chance that she has done this for so long

My daughter was born before the affair, when everything was fantastic but i had the test anyway. 98% of me thought that it was ridiculous because i didn't (and still don't) think that she'd be capable of cheating when everything was great but the 2% left me with "What If?". Well, the result came in and it's 99.96%. She's mine, and no more nagging thought of what if


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

I remember your thread.
Its all been said above , I am sure it tugs at you.

You became an attractive challenge for her.
If you met her today and knew her history you would never give her serious consideration.

Do you want to spend the rest of you life hoping she does not lose her attraction for you along the way, even temporarily.
(Right before a trip, ugh!)

She is broken but you cannot fix her. Or at least she is not wired for monogamy. Some women just cannot say no to someone they are attracted to or worse they even seek them out.

IMO no one can blame you for moving on, otherwise you are locking yourself into a mind blowing life of triggers and doubt/mistrust.

You can date her if you want after the divorce, but she would have to show over the course of years that she has worked on her issues. not just rug-swept them, or explain them away as an anomaly.

Trust your gut here not your heart.

I am sorry, I really wish you well.
Take care!


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By SimpleGuy
> I went back to the marital house a few weeks ago and my stbx and I had sex. Not just sex but amazing sex most of the night
> I am still terribly hurt and feel like this pain isn't going away anytime soon.


Why did you go back to the marital house? Emotions overrule your logical mind? Weakness?




> By SimpleGuy
> I asked for God's help and his strength because, as your responses let me know, I was going to need it. I'm happy to say that I got the strength I needed.


*If you got the strength that you needed why are you in such terrible shape now?*

Is it because you disregarded the advice that you got on TAM? Is it because you treat God like a puppet that you can pull His strings and he comes running to help you; then after you get His help you do the opposite of what He is telling you?* Is it because you did both?*


If you want to be pathetic then keep ignoring good advice and God. If you want to be a man that can take a hard blow, endure the pain, and build some self-respect then ditch your illogical actions and get some backbone and strength, then you will get a LOT better!

Your wife has admitted to betraying you and replacing you with at least 20 other men! Good Gosh man are you a dish rag or a door mat? Your wife has so tarnished her ability to be trustworthy and committed that even if she changes you will never be secure in her love for you or your love for her. *Any woman that drops her panties for 20 other man while married does not love the one she is married to. She is making you look like a fool!*

If you get so weak that you go back to her then you will have to try and fool everyone into thinking that you are a man or integrity and respect. How good of an actor are you?

You being an attorney tells me that you had a very logical mind at one time. Now you are using your damaged emotions to lead you to be a pathetic door mat. *You can change all that if you have a few hanging from your scrotum!*


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## May1968 (Dec 16, 2014)

The ease at which she took her wedding rings off to mess around and then put them back on to be your wife should not be lost on you. So now she put them on just like so many times before, they will slip back off anytime she wants.

So what does she want? A baby sitter to watch the children for when she travels again? How long until the thrill of the hunt catches up with her again?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Simpleguy my man, with this woman you better be thinking like Yogi Berra said, "its deja vu all over again." At this point is there any evidence your STBX is not a disaster waiting to happen? From what you describe, I think you know the truth. Your wife is a woman with no loyalty or integrity that floats from bed to bed. 

There's a reason men are wisely told not to sleep with their XWW. Its because nooky has an ingredient that makes the BH think, "she will never do that to me again" The reality is she's luring you back in because you pricked her ego with your "180" actions and she wants to regain her position. The minute she has you hooked, she'll be thinking about other men and some other stoogse will get lucky and think they want "forever".

You're on the road to recovery Dawg. Don't screw it up by falling off the wagon and getting involved with this "drug" again.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Disinfect your penis and move on. She needs pretty serious help and heavy work, years not months, before anyone who doesn't live in a dumpster should even look at her again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Disinfect your penis and move on. She needs pretty serious help and heavy work, years not months, before anyone who doesn't live in a dumpster should even look at her again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Truthfully, I do not believe this woman can be helped. 20 men. Has sex with with OP and the next day puts on the ring/necklace as if all is forgiven and forgotten. Unreal.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

SimpleGuy357 said:


> Everyone is right about this. It's wrong and makes no sense at all. I am still terribly hurt and feel like this pain isn't going away anytime soon. She is rugsweeping and not doing the things that in my mind would make me believe she is going to stop. She just said to me that she is going to look out for number one in life. She isn't going to reassure me that this isn't going to happen again. This marriage is over. It's nonexistent. There is no bond. I'm hurting so bad. Nobody around me has any idea how bad this hurts. I feel like I ruined my life with this person. It's been a waking nightmare


It will go away, you are still feeling withdraws from her but after a few more months you will be better. 

There is no future with her, if you were to R this will teach her how to get away with cheating in the future because she is NOT going to ever stop cheating on you, ever. This is a lifestyle for her now and not one she could easily stop. 

You got a bad apple but luckily most women are not like this. Do yourself a favor and find someone with morals like your own and you will be a million times more happy than you ever was with her. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, its just the tunnel is longer for some people than others.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

SimpleGuy, 

One last thought. I'm not posting to bash your wife. (Although her narcissism makes it easy) I'm posting so you might confirm what you already know. Your wife is broken. She is missing something deep inside her. She has been using you and all those OM to fill that void for a very long time. I don't know why she has this hole in her heart. I assume you have an idea. At this point in life, it is who she is. With long-term behaviours, such as this, even exhaustive therapies have little chance to help. 

More important is you, and why you have put up with this type of marriage for so long. When you call yourself a simple guy, you really mean you'll accept very little in return for a chance at companionship. Why? Most men place a higher value on their companionship, that would never allow a relationship to get that far out of hand. You need to find this answer in order for you get what we all deserve, a committed partner. 

Best

BTW, have you had time to read the link I gave you?


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## SimpleGuy357 (Jan 12, 2015)

Hi Everyone, thank you again for the responses. They help me frame the issues and my feelings and also give me an outline of things to discuss with my therapist. This is truly a fraternity that I never wanted to be a member of. What a horrible thing to go through. Without doubt the most difficult thing I've experienced in 34 years. The only thing that would be worse would be the death of a child. 

I'd like to respond to some of the questions that came up in the replies. I'm gonna work backwards:

1. Anchorwatch - Thanks for you help. Yes I downloaded and read NMMNG and MMSLP. Both were extremely interesting and informative. I just wish I had read them years ago. If I had, maybe things wouldn't have gotten so far out of hand. Yes, she is definitely missing something inside that lets her not empathize with other people's pain. I've been very hurt but she has also had affairs with other married men and that hurts me too because there are spouses and children behind these affairs. 

2. Mr. Blunt - Thanks for your help. I went back to the marital house because of my kids. I'm staying somewhere temporarily that isn't set up for small children so I have to deal with my stbx regularly with the kids for sports, school, and church, etc. Having sex with her was weakness for sure. What is seriously messed up is that I'm attracted to her still despite what she has done. As to my faith, it has been a sustaining part of my life for a long time. I know God would have me act a certain way with regard to this and I strive to do that but I came up woefully short on those days. I completely agree that she doesn't love me the way I want to be loved. Or if she does, it isn't a love that's good for me in any way. Your point about losing integrity and respect was like a slap in the face. I do want to be a man of integrity and respect. As an attorney, if I lose those things, I have very little to offer. Also, I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror. What kind of husband forgives such a systematic and brutal betrayal? 

3. alte Dame - Thanks for your help. My wife is extremely well-organized. She was doing this on business trips for two plus years and had also met a married man in our local area for sex and a handful of occasions. I had no idea. With work and four kids I have no idea how she did it. I never looked at her phone and she used apps and text messages to set all of this up. It blows my mind also. 

4. Sports Fan - Thank you for your help. She is not doing the things that would make me think that she is really done with this lifestyle. She has resisted changing her phone number so that these people can't contact her claiming it would be a hassle for her because her work contacts have that number, etc. She also has the CO guy as her favorite on facebook which crushed me when I saw that. She still wants to travel for work, too. 

5. harrybrown - Thank you for your help. I have exposed her affairs to a select group of friends and family and church pastors. I think she has also told people in her circle about it but I think she minimizes it and hasn't told them the grand scale of her behavior. My older children know about it as well. I told them in a moment of weakness and deeply regret doing that. Just more of the pain this has caused so many people. 

6. LonelyinLove - Thank you for your help. Yes, I still love her in some way. I can't explain it. 

7. Mr.Fisty - Thank you for your help. I think you nailed it exactly about why she's interested in me again. 

Everyone else thank you for your input as well. I know inside that divorce is inevitable. If not now, down the road for sure. I can't imagine spending 30 more years with this woman or growing old with her. I think one or both of us will continue the divorce until it is finalized, in all honesty. 

My parting words are that I wanted a wife and a family. I wanted tradition and everything that comes with it. I think we live in a fallen culture full of selfish people. People are so flaky that they can act a certain way and change on a dime depending on the situation they find themselves in.


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

SimpleGuy357 said:


> 3. alte Dame - Thanks for your help. My wife is extremely well-organized. She was doing this on business trips for two plus years and had also met a married man in our local area for sex and a handful of occasions. I had no idea. With work and four kids I have no idea how she did it. I never looked at her phone and she used apps and text messages to set all of this up. It blows my mind also.


You had no idea because she didn't want you to know. She knew that you trusted her and she abused that trust to deceive you and do what she wanted to do. If you're still contemplating "saving" this "marriage" then I don't know, it's madness.

Stop refering to moments that you have as weakness. Your reactions are normal for most people who've been experienced this level of devastation. You were not wrong to expose.

You loved your wife and were sincere in your vows to love, cherish and spend the rest of your life with her. Love doesn't magically disappear and those feelings will still linger.

I wouldn't at all recommend reconciling with your wife but in a universe where I had lost my mind and considered it, it would have to be under certain conditions. None of which your wife meets, like true remorse and guilt, her taking active steps in making amends, quitting her job and cutting all contact, changing her cell number anda host of other things.

She does not love you and she won't change or bear the slightest inconvenience in her life to making this marriage work. You know this and that you're way better off without her. Work towards accepting this and moving on. If someone had treated your children, friend or relative the way she has you or even a random stranger what would you tell them?

Get to a place where you're solid mentally and emotionally. Take time to process and think through what's happened.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Simpleguy
> 6. LonelyinLove - Thank you for your help. Yes, I still love her in some way.* I can't explain it.*


Here below are a few questions you can ask yourself to see if you can explain your “love”
Love consists of several things and below are a few that are the foundation of love:

*Trust---admiration---respect---loyal---integrity*

SimpleGuy, ask you a few questions (examples below) and insert the foundations of love:

1	Do, I SimpleGuy, TRUST my wife?
2	Do I, SimpleGuy, ADMIRE my wife?
3	Do I, SimpleGuy, RESPECT my wife?
4	Do I, SimpleGuy, want to be LOYAL to my wife?
5	Do I, SimpleGuy think my wife has INTEGRITY?

SimpleGuy, your wife is not capable of loving you the way that you should be loved.* If you strive to get her to be what you dream of then you will allow her to bring you to complete ruin.* 

You are a good man that has prepared yourself for your vocation which shows that you have commitment and discipline. I assume you are a good father and good husband and you have not treated your wife the way she treats you. You do not deserve to be treated like a door mat and to have your wife show absolutely no respect for you or try to run down your integrity. *At this point fairness is not even the top priority; your recovery is!*

*Your best route by far is for you to work on you to become even better in body, mind, and spirit.* I know you are hurt to the bone but this too shall pass. So endure the pain and build yourself up so that you will have a good life for yourself and your children. Your wife needs to be a memory such as your Jr. High girlfriend that dumped you for some other dude. *This is not the end of your life and you can be happy again and be very contented.*

Hang in there my brother!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

She's a train wreck in motion. She's going to leave a lot of lasting emotional damage to all those is her wake. Those that are willing participants with her and those who are unaware of her participation in their relationships. It is a shame, but it's her and her OM shame. Not yours. I wonder what kind of childhood she had...

You'd might add one or both of these to your reading list Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life or Boundaries in Marriage and Codependent No More

Best to you and your young children.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It is so terribly hard when we see that a person that we love is damaged and damaging to others. Sometimes we are blinded by love. Sometimes the damaged person has developed excellent camouflage skills. Sometimes we actually see it, but we somehow don't think that it outweighs the positives.

We can't undo the tragedies in our lives. If we are lucky, we can process them and then move past them. You sound like you still need more help and more time to do this. That's OK. Take the time. Keep your eyes on the prize, though, which is a healthy, happy future for you and your children. You can't do this with a serious serial cheat for a wife. I hope that you are able to move on and find some peace for yourself. You deserve that, you know. You know you deserve it, don't you?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Your wife has been hospitalized twice during manic episodes. Is she taking her lithium now?

Don't lambast yourself over having sex with her. Have you gotten checked for STDs? Has she?


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Bipolar infidelity.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

SimpleGuy357 said:


> My parting words are that I wanted a wife and a family. I wanted tradition and everything that comes with it. I think we live in a fallen culture full of selfish people. People are so flaky that they can act a certain way and change on a dime depending on the situation they find themselves in.


I can see your feelings towards today's world. There are many that do honor the tradition and everything that comes with it. Keep the faith!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

simpleguy

There are many times in your career when you have to make a decision or a judgement as a lawyer where you think without emotion.

The law is the law.

Infidelity is very much like that. You have to stop thinking with your heart and start thinking with your head.

I highly doubt your wife is having protected sex. I highly doubt she cares if she transmits and std to you or herself.

She is only thinking of herself. She is at the core a selfish person.

You and the marriage as well as your family do not even factor into her decisions.

Why on earth would you not divorce her now. You and your kids deserve better.

Why not ask her to move out into your townhouse and you stay at the home with the kids.

You offer them stability.

She can go bang strangers all she wants. 

Have you ever asked your wife to get tested for std's or aids? Keep having sex with her and you will need to. You should get tested yourself.

"There is nothing wrong with you"

You know your wife has mental issues. You know she is a selfish woman with no sexual boundaries.

So "Just Let Her Go". Google that phrase and you will find loads of help on how to detach from your wife and go find happiness with a beautiful woman that desires a monogamous relationship with a family.

They are out there. Stop putting your values off trying to fix a situation that is not fixable. Let your wife come to terms with her own issues or not deal with them at all.

You cannot control her.

But you can certainly control your actions as well as your future. 

Don't blame your wife for not giving you a future. You control your destiny. You control your childrens future. So take control and execute!

I know you will be fine without her in your life.

HM

PS
If my wife ever had numerous sexual encounters I would contact every one of those men, let them know just how many guys she banged and that they need to get to a clinic right away to be tested for herpes.....


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

The only way to fix your weakness for her is to stop seeing her period. You mentioned that you implemented the 180. Stick to it. Find a place where you can take the kids during your time with them. Get someone else to do the pick ups and drop offs.

After a few weeks or months you won't find her as attractive anymore. You'll be able to look past her to see the broken person she is and the damage she has caused you.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Your WW's failure to take her medication after 2 hospitalizations for her manic episodes is telling in itself. She chose to self medicate and allow the hypersexuality from her bipolar condition rule her behavior.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SimpleGuy357 said:


> I still love her in some way. I can't explain it.


I can. It's called your lack of self worth. 

If you valued yourself, truly believed you were a worthy person you'd never even speak to her again, let alone think you love her.
Because you'd KNOW that you deserve - and can easily GET - better than what she's offering.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

You are in love with a woman who doesn't exist.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Please consider this. Your wife has had sex with 21 men. As blatant as her disregard for your feelings was during your dday and now she is ready to bed you because you are NOT treating her like a wife?? This person has deep rooted issues which I fear are so permanently engrained so as to be impossible to alter. She may be the poster child for dysfunctionality.


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

I don't like how some here are berating you but I guess many here have been hurt in this way and want this yo not happenbto you any further.

At the end of the day, it's your decision. But I will note a few things below that maybe you should consider....

* You should strongly consider getting STD tests for your own physical health

* Has she expressed Amy real remorse? I'm talking about her on the floor sobbing for what she has done to you and begging for forgiveness, not feeling sorry for herself brvsise she got found out

* i'm assuming you found out in the first instance, rather than her coming to you with a confession?

* something you shared was a red flag to me, is, when you were in shock and grief and you came to a place of wanting answers from her and showing signs of affection and her pushing you away... It does not seem remorseful to me, or even loving.

* in counselling, what has she identified as her reasons for cheating on you all of this time? Has she owned her own actions or has she found ways to blame you? 

It's really important that you guard your heart here. It's commendable that you would consider hiving her another chance, but you must be convinced of why you should trust her again


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

quietsoul

read his thread again.

His wife said she wanted to R then took a local lover that lives one town away.

She is not remorseful at all. 

She has even disclosed some of her affairs to a few friends.

His wife needs to be fired, served and the next "bachelorette" on tv.

This is a sad situation and SG needs to act.

HM


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

SimpleGuy357 said:


> Hi Everyone, thank you again for the responses. They help me frame the issues and my feelings and also give me an outline of things to discuss with my therapist. This is truly a fraternity that I never wanted to be a member of. What a horrible thing to go through. Without doubt the most difficult thing I've experienced in 34 years. The only thing that would be worse would be the death of a child.
> 
> I'd like to respond to some of the questions that came up in the replies. I'm gonna work backwards:
> 
> ...


Go to the Marriage Builders website and read what Dr. Harley says about exposing cheaters. You were correct in telling your kids about the affairs. Read his advice, he is one of the best. The posters there can be weird though.

NOT telling the kids means TWO parents are, in essence, lying to them. This comes back to haunt kids when they find out the truth.

You did not do this and bear no responsibility for it. What you have done is find yourself in a situation that you have to clean up as best you can.

Good luck and prayers


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

QuietSoul said:


> I don't like how some here are berating you but I guess many here have been hurt in this way and want this yo not happenbto you any further.


I haven't been hurt this way so that's not my issue. And I'm not berating him. I'm explaining the psychological reason why HIS side of this situation is happening. His low ego tells him that he can't get any better, that no other woman will want him, that he'll be alone the rest of his life if he kicks her out.

But none of that's true. He's just fine, but HE can't see it. I've lost count of all the men here who've given up the cheating wife who have then come back and said 'wow! y'all were right, life is SO much better without her! I can't believe how much better it is not to be tied to a crazy woman who doesn't love me, I've got chicks all over me now and they treat me great!'

But when they're back here, at his spot, he just can't see it yet. Or his low ego won't let him. He needs to go to therapy, so a professional can help him stop that little voice in his head telling him this is all he deserves.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

OP: I've got this one, i can help... I think.

My story quick. Married 30 years, three girls, stay at omen wife. Found out she was having an A with my good friend. When confronted, she moved in with him, divorced me and they married, all this 3.5 years ago.

Utterly devestaded IPAs unable to work for almost a year.

1. While you felt better and more confident per your post no way we're you healed. You will remain damaged and vulnerable for a long time to come. Because of that, you will make many mistakes, like having sex with her, the key is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start again. 

2. I remember many times crying myself to sleep, wishing with all my heart that I had back my dysfunctional, duty sex only, no kisses for two years marriage. It's because at one time it was great, and the mind tends to put those to the front, and the part of us that was rejected hides the others. 

3. I to sought out women to prove to myself that I could be desirable, the sex was great! As long as you are open about it being a FWB relationship, no real harm done. (I don't think they work, but you are not being a total cad). 

Time....time is your answer, not three months, but real time. Keep talking to God, keep searching for answers, just don't expect them to be found anytime soon. As soon as possible, get her a$$ out the door, limit...LIMIT all contact with her, as that is what it will take over a long time to see the light. Good luck to you, and stay on TAM, great people here, you can always learn more. That's why I am here now nearly 4 years from my first visit. I still learn things, I still get comforted by others here, so sorry you are in the club.......
Hoosier


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By SimpleGuy
> I *think* one or both of us will continue the divorce until it is finalized, in all honesty


.

It is your life and you can call it however you want. Your wife has had at least 20 other men and you THINK that you will get divorced?

I know every man and woman has their breaking point but betraying you with 20 men seem like actions that would go way past anyone’s breaking point. Turnera said that you had low self-esteem and someone thought that was Turnera berating you. That is not berating you that is telling you the truth in hopes that you will see one of the problems and do something about it.

*I am for reconciliation whenever there is hope. When a spouse rejects you and replaces you 20 TIMES then what hope is there?* My guess is that your answer to my questions below is NO to all of them:


1 Do, I SimpleGuy, TRUST my wife?
2 Do I, SimpleGuy, ADMIRE my wife?
3 Do I, SimpleGuy, RESPECT my wife?
4 Do I, SimpleGuy, want to be LOYAL to my wife?
5 Do I, SimpleGuy think my wife has INTEGRITY?

I know that you have been given a terrible blow and you are down but you need to be decisive and do what is hard then you will get better. To remain indecisive is too seem weak and too needy. *Take quick and strong actions so that your self-esteem will be rebuilt!*


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