# Struggling to be supportive and not try to "fix" things



## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

I'm trying to be the supportive husband.

Things happen at work that send her into emotional overload. There are two co-workers who, for lack of better word, act like 15 year olds. If my wife does something they've never seen done before, one of them might say "You can't do that, we've never done that!" and it's in an almost screechy tone of voice - I've heard her in the background! Said co-worker might go on and say "but the boss will let you do it because you're special", with a sneer (I've heard that, too). The other co-worker has developed "ways of doing the job" that she insists are right, but won't share them with anybody...but she gets loud and reprimanding if you do things in a way other than hers.

What makes it worse is that my wife all too readily wants to soothe and "behave" - but what does "behave" mean when the two people she's trying to please seem to actually enjoy being pissed all the time? So, when one of them erupts at her (they erupt at everybody), she'll say "I'm sorry, it's my fault" (even though it's not). But...said Drama Queen (DQ) is addicted to being pissed, so this only escalates things "You don't believe that for a second! Since you started working here, you've done everything you can to prove I'm useless!".

So, it seems clear to me that if my wife simply didn't engage...or if she wanted to respond to one of those emotional outbursts at all, simply acknowledge the other person's anger, "I'm sorry you're upset."

But I know, I'm not supposed to "fix".

So, wife comes home, and she doesn't just say things went bad, she completely re-tells the entire day's worth of crappy conversations, with vocal inflections amplified, darned near yelling in my face...with great emphasis on how much effort she's putting into "telling" these two women that she didn't do what they claim she did - that she did what she did to help a customer, not to show them in a bad light.

How long can I simply say "gosh, that must feel awful"....I haven't been able to do so for more than 15 minutes, so far, before I ask "do you think you could have done something differently?" and she'll say "nothing I do calms them". To which I say, "So, since nothing you can do changes any results, why not just acknowledge their pain and go to your own work?" and wife ignores that and goes back to re-telling the drama...I'm serious, the amount of yelling involved in her re-telling is way past anything I've seen on a sitcom.

I can't "fix" my wife...I understand that. What I want to do is grow my own ability to remain calm in the face of the yelling, screaming and gesticulating that accompanies her reports on how the day went, and stay (for an hour if required) in the mode of "that must feel awful" and not get into 'fixit' mode.

Thanks.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

IDK, I mean, it is good to let her vent and be there for her, but at the same time, it eventually gets to a point where it is simply exhausting (both mentally and physically) having to listen to it. Any way you can help steer her to get to the point quicker, or even just to calm down when re telling the story?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Let me tell you a short story. My brother did similar with our mother. Upon coming home work he immediately went into the days diatribe screaming, yelling and carrying on. It had gotten to the point our mother would start shaking knowing her son was almost home from work. Eventually she told him to pack his crap and leave. She was not living like this every afternoon. Let's not let you get to that point.

Your W needs to understand your are a sounding board but the sounds need to be given in a calm manner. Screaming, voice inflections and drama are not needed to convey the days dealings. It only continues the stress. Try to ask your W to understand that. You will be her sounding board but only if done in a calm manner that really only serves to help your W calm down from a stressful day. It is theraputic to talk but screaming about it only continues the bad day.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg


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## Altair (Sep 16, 2016)

DustyDog said:


> How long can I simply say "gosh, that must feel awful"


For as long as it takes.



DustyDog said:


> I haven't been able to do so for more than 15 minutes, so far, before I ask "do you think you could have done something differently?"


Why?

Do you have Adult Attention Deficit disorder and an inability to concentrate for long periods of time?

Because it doesn't get much easier than maintaining eye contact and saying "This must be very hard for you" or different variations of the phrase.

You don't have to DO anything.

You don't have to OFFER anything.

Just listen and be compassionate.

If you can't do that much then you got issues.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Yep. You are screwed. You married my wife. 

Let her vent during dinner. At least you can eat while she is venting. 

If you want to be really mean, interrupt and tell her you noticed that the check book balance is off by $10.


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

Oh your god! I live this too!

I wish I could help you but I TRULY want someone to help me


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Maybe not quite the answer to this, but one thing I told my W is that when I get home, she needs to at least give me a good 5-10 minutes to get situated before venting about her day.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

First, I smiled at your OP because unfortunately, my work life is also a living hell. 

What she is doing by coming home and "venting", is reliving the days events and letting them continue to make her upset. She thinks in her mind that she will feel better if she talks it out with someone, but if she's getting herself that worked up, all that she's really doing is letting her awful day extend way beyond what it needs to and letting that crap seep into her home life too. 

It can be difficult to see it that way. Women are conditioned to talk things out and "vent", we do it all the time. When it's something minor it can be a relief to tell someone about it and we can both laugh over how awful that thing was and then move on to something else. When you are in a seriously abusive environment (sounds like she is, and so am I) venting is not always the best way to deal with it. 

Does she have a choice about working there? Can you help her find a different job? Can she just quit? 

I actually do not tell my husband anything about work. I realized that nothing was going to change and that he couldn't do anything about it. Worse, I was reliving all of the gory details and could feel my blood pressure going through the roof just thinking about my crappy day. I've been working long enough to experience tons of people like your wife's coworkers. She's gotta be able to build that wall around herself where she just let's it roll off of her and doesn't give it a second thought. 

You seem like a good H for trying to listen. You might get into hot water with her for this but I would truthfully tell her that you hate seeing her so upset, and that you don't think rehashing everything is helping her to feel better. Try to focus on what she CAN do to make herself feel better in that moment and I'd explain to her that you are happy to have a glass of wine with her, go for a walk after work, watch a show or whatever to help her decompress after a terrible day. Getting into the rehashing is not going to make her feel better.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

kag123 said:


> I actually do not tell my husband anything about work. I realized that nothing was going to change and that he couldn't do anything about it.


Does your H wish you did tell him? Just asking, I am the same as you, I barely speak about work to my W. The way I look at it, once I leave work I want to leave it there, not take it home with me. It does me no good to ruin the time I have at home rehashing over details of my day. My W does wish I spoke more about my day and my job, but really I have very little interest in doing.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

Well, you can't fix her, but I do think there's a limit to the amount of complaining anyone should have to listen to IF it's about the same thing/person/situation again and again. It's a downer to have to listen to that over and over. 

I know it's best to be supportive and listen, so keep doing that. But at some point, I'd try to work the following into the conversation:

What do you think you'll do about that?

Something like that. Basically, the idea is to get her away from complaining and start thinking about how to fix the situation. I used to be like that; complained about lots of stuff. But I changed and now I look for solutions rather than sitting in problems. Makes life so much better!


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

I only give my husband highlights of events; just a high level summary. And, this is just maybe once a week. I learned long ago when I got eyes rolled at me that he didn't want to hear any of it. So really, now we have mutual consent that we don't talk about work very much. My H actually gossips more than me. Maybe try responding with "uh huh" every so often. She'll gradually get tired of not getting a response which is why she's rehashing everything. 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

DustyDog said:


> I'm trying to be the supportive husband.
> 
> Things happen at work that send her into emotional overload. There are two co-workers who, for lack of better word, act like 15 year olds. If my wife does something they've never seen done before, one of them might say "You can't do that, we've never done that!" and it's in an almost screechy tone of voice - I've heard her in the background! Said co-worker might go on and say "but the boss will let you do it because you're special", with a sneer (I've heard that, too). The other co-worker has developed "ways of doing the job" that she insists are right, but won't share them with anybody...but she gets loud and reprimanding if you do things in a way other than hers.
> 
> ...


Oh. You too, huh?

Here are my stock phrases for such situations:-

"Oh, dear."
"Really?"
"That must have upset you."
"Uh-huh."
"Yes."
"No."


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Yeah, it sounds like she's not getting the results she wants by venting to you. Nothing on YOU, either, it's just that rehashing the details to anyone just keeps it that much more fresh in her mind.

It's going to take subtlety, but I think you need to try to slowly train her to vent for a limit of ten minutes, during which you assure her you understand her frustration, then move on to other things.

She sounds like someone who likes to dwell on bad stuff instead of dropping the subject and moving on to better things.

Or, suggest she sign up for some kind of professional development course on getting along with difficult people.

There have to be ways of being supportive that don't involve encouraging her to stay stuck in her misery. Sometimes you just have to leave work at the door and enjoy your evening.

Sounds like you could quote her coworkers by now though. Maybe turn it into a game where YOU take on the role of a coworker and try to predict what was said that day. In a funny voice. Get your wife laughing at your impressions.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

My Grandmother told my wife that when her husband got home from work she had a stiff drink ready for him and dinner followed shortly.

She said that was the only way she could get him to calm down.

If that did not work.....straight to the bedroom for a work out!


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Hi DD... set up some after work activities that bring things back to the present and not the past (as in what happened in the day because one you leave it... it's done!). Sign yourselves up for some classes that will bring interaction and peace, such as dance classes, yoga, meditation, walks in a different park each time, bicycling, crafts that interest you both... the list is endless but the point is to put aside the world that brings you discontentedness and replace it with something that doesn't, something in yourself that you can fixate on and pull calm out of daily.

If you can't get it (meditation) down yourself, go to classes that teach meditation techniques then use it every other day and fill the other with an activity (meditate Mon-Weds, activity Tues-Thurs, open play Friday with movies, dinner, plays, you name the fun.

If she doesn't want to, get her agreeing on 1 or 2 activities a week like meditation and walking, anything to bring back the peace needed to be healthy and whole, not fractured like it is.

You won't be fixing and you won't be enabling, you will be encouraging and supporting and if she doesn't want to do it with you, do it yourself and grow there... your lead may be too attractive to ignore.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

EllisRedding said:


> Does your H wish you did tell him? Just asking, I am the same as you, I barely speak about work to my W. The way I look at it, once I leave work I want to leave it there, not take it home with me. It does me no good to ruin the time I have at home rehashing over details of my day. My W does wish I spoke more about my day and my job, but really I have very little interest in doing.


Well, he knows how absolutely awful my job is. He knows why I choose not to speak about it and understands. The only thing we discuss now is the pros and cons of staying in the job. So far it has benefited us more as a family for me to stay (money and benefits are very good) so I just deal with it. 

I do ask my H to talk about his day sometimes. His job is much more "normal" than mine and I like to hear a little about what he's working on. We both work in similar fields and understand the technical stuff about each other's fields so that helps. Whenever work gets brought up with friends or family who don't have the same technical background we tend to give one or two word answers or just gloss over it entirely. No sense in boring people with the details.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Oh. You too, huh?
> 
> Here are my stock phrases for such situations:-
> 
> ...


Thumbs down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

I do know that my gal needs me to listen, smile and nod. She does appreciate it. My goal it to try to manage the negativity. It can be toxic; I try to refocus the energy on the good stuff. Like “Wow; another meltdown from Mrs. Susiz Drama McQueen. She’s done that b4 and it seems to get her what she wants. I’d expect more of this from her in the future.” The positive here is that people go out of their way to show you who they are, you should listen and not be surprised when they do not change.

Though it can be exhausting managing all the time. On a four hour trip to see her sisters she was venting for 3 hours. I pulled over and told her that I love her, but this can’t be good for her health & high blood pressure. You away from that place physical but you mind is there all the time. I want to listen; this just can’t be all we talk about. She has been better since.

& I’m fulfilling my need to take action by tugging the emotion center toward the positive.


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## Altair (Sep 16, 2016)

Sometimes a nod and lending a good ear is all a woman needs.


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