# What do I need to know about someone who'd been gaslighted?



## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

My GF and I had a row yesterday. She often goes on long rants about a few political topics. The points she makes are so - not 'theoretical', but I think abstract, that I am not able to grasp the intent - there's something she wants different, but I can't tell what it is. So, I try to ask her to explain a bit about something she brought up and she acts as if I've attacked her. I'm actually pretty good at gently asking clarifying questions, but not with her. I think I finally realized that these political topics are part of her self-identity, and it's not going to be possible to ask any questions, because she's so - damaged - that she's unable to bear any such questions.

Due to the guy she was married to for five years (D 18 months ago, separated 2 years), she has PTSD (from threats of abuse) and whatever it is one has if one's been gaslighted. 

After I got her calmed down, she said "You need to look up gaslighting so you will understand why we end up in this conversation over and over." I actually have a history of lay counseling people who've been, or who did, gaslighting, so I know something about it. I reminded her of that, and asked what of the many characteristics of a person whose been gaslit would she be referring to? and she said "Just look it up". 

Well, I tried. I looked over 50 or so web results. Here are the three categories into which they all fit, and my 'response' to them.
* Most common: How to tell if you're being gaslighted. No question. She was. (so was I, but not by someone who knew what she was doing, therefore it hasn't had so much impact on me)
* Surprising second most common: Why clinical psychologists gaslight their clients, and how to get them to stop it.
* Least common: How to overcome gaslighting. And each of these web pages suggests that it's not difficult, and usually remedies itself once you're out of the gaslighting relationship. 


Can someone help me here? I asked her if she could enlighten me on the specific things she wanted me to find and she said "you're a grown up man, and damned good at this, I can't do your work for you".

In case you're asking, no, I do not see LTR potential here - this is a healing relationship between two adults who are each exceptionally good at reading other people and reflecting them back.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

My take on gaslighting is that it's blame-shifting. Someone who's been blaming themselves (as a result of gaslighting) may not trust/second-guess their own judgment/opinions. She may not feel that you are listening to her/believing her??
I'm trying to relate this into her political arguments with you....that's where I'm failing. Could it simply boil down to trust issues?

How important is it that you agree/understand all of her politics, btw? Political beliefs are pretty much garnered from our own life experiences and attitudes. Can you simply agree to disagree?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Gaslighting IMO is done subtlety over time to manipulate you into thinking your wrong, your going crazy, what your saying and feeling is wrong and it really does mess with your head. The person gaslighting does this to gain power and control and weaken the other person. Basically allowing them to do anything they want while making you seem like your the wrong one. My stbxh was king at this.

Someone who has been traumatized by this for years I can understand can he hyper sensitive to it. Maybe unjustly feeling like they are being victim of gaslighting even when they aren’t. 

The problem in this relationship that you have is that she is getting so defensive and that shuts down all communication. I don’t know if you were gaslighting, if she was but it doesn’t really matter because she shuts down communication and that doesn’t help anyone.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Slartibartfast said:


> I can then go on to say, "But look at it from my point of view. You're not being fair. ... doesn't make sense ... how could anyone think ... I don't always say anything, but ... you can't really believe ... how is that right ... " And so on.


It's a tricky area, because those are also words you would say if someone really said something to you that didn't make any sense. Just because I say there's a mistake in your reasoning, or ask you to consider the possibility that you're mistaken, doesn't mean I'm gaslighting you.


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## veganmermaid (Jun 17, 2016)

Wait. Dusty, I️ thought you were in a long term marriage? Your wife had some issues with anxiety or OCD around finances? 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

No offense, but yuck. How very passive aggressive of her to refuse to tell you and then say, you're a grown-up, look it up. Yuck ( the-- if you don't know I'm not going to tell you--).

I'm glad to hear you state that you do not see long term relationship potential with this person. The dynamic sounds frustrating.


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