# resentful and hateful



## eaustin87 (May 6, 2009)

It has been a month since my husband has told me about his affair, the other night we were intimate and i couldn't stop thinking about it because i saw him with her the same way he was with me. It grossed me out. It made me angry and I wanted to cry. I am ok on some days but most days when I think about it. I am resentful and very very hateful I constantly think about asking him to leave. I think about our vows and how broken they are. you can't just promise yourslef to som eone before god, break the vows, and then say I you mean them now versus not meaning them before. I am ill all the time and I don't see my H as my H I look at him and I hate him so much for doing this to me. Making me look like a fool. I want so badly to see him suffer. I pray every night asking god to help me not feel this way, but I wake up the next morning look over at my H and feel disgusted that he i even in my bed. Will these feelings ever stop or am I doomed to a life of hatefulness and resentment?


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## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

I am so sorry that you are going through this! It is a horrible feeling and I never would wish it on anyone. With that being said, a month is really not that long. I found out in Oct and I can honestly say, that it is better today. In the beginning I had good days and bad days, its getting through the bad days that is the hardest. Now I have more good days then bad. How did you find out? 

I think there is a grieving process that we all go through. Give it time, it will get better, I promise!

Do you still love your H? What is he doing to show you he is remorseful? Have you forgiven him? Do you want to forgive him? It is EXTREMELY hard. It doesn't mean that you have to forget what he has done, but if you forgive him and accept what he has done, maybe you can start to move forward, with or without him. Like i said it is HARD, believe me, I know!

Are you going to councelling or anything? 

I wish you the best of luck!


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## eaustin87 (May 6, 2009)

can'tbelieveit said:


> Do you still love your H? What is he doing to show you he is remorseful? Have you forgiven him? Do you want to forgive him? It is EXTREMELY hard. It doesn't mean that you have to forget what he has done, but if you forgive him and accept what he has done, maybe you can start to move forward, with or without him. Like i said it is HARD, believe me, I know!
> 
> Are you going to councelling or anything?


I can honestly say i don't know on my good days I love him. He isnt really showing much remorse it kind of got swept under the rug and Im supposed to pretend it never happened like he is doing. I want to forgive him, but I can't stand to look at him sometimes. He is the one that told me about the affair,k but THE ONLY REASON HE TOLD ME is because I told him about mine first (mine was not taken to level his was) I told him about contacting my ex and seeing him , i had the opportunity but when it was presented I knew it was wrong and I remembered how much I REALLY loved my H. He acted like it was the end of the world when i told him about mine and when i was laying in the bed thinking I had really mucked things up sobbing he told me he wanted to go because he HAD CHEATED WITH WHO I THOUGHT HE WOULD)- GOD, IM GETTING ANGRY JUST THINKING ABOUT IT . i regret that I didn't cheat on my H when I had the chance. and that is a HORRIBLE FEELING TO FEEL. to feel like 2 wrongs would have made it right, but I am so confused because on good days I am fine and I don't feel or think about it, but days like today I feel like 20 dollars and a bus ticket is the best cure for him.


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## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

Do you guys talk about the affairs? Why did you feel that you needed to contact your ex, etc?

So, he had an A (assuming PA) to get back at you? How very immature, IMO. 

How long have you guys been married?


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I agree with can't believe it, 
you need to give yourself more time, I found out in Nov and it's getting better with time...at first it was unbearable.....
check out the stages of grieving a death, it's a similar feeling you just need to live through the stages......this kind of thing has so many elements of emotion and doubt that it takes time to work through it all......
remember you don't have to do this on any time line, no rush, whatever you can do, and only when it feels right.....don't put pressure on yourself....
patience is a hard thing to pull off because he feels like we are doing nothing.


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## eaustin87 (May 6, 2009)

we have been married for a year and 2 mos. . things were already bad fighting constantly. alot of sex problems. he didn't want to touch me porn was his thing. things got bad and i kept telling him we needed to fix us, thats why i contacted my ex because i wanted to see if he had change to see if the grass was greener on the other sie so to speak, but was that moment when i had the opportunity to cheat that all i could think about was my H and i knew i just needed to go home. believe me I want to bolt, its funny, they say get rid of the OW and it makes it feel a lil better, but I CAN'T. physically I cannot make her move. and Looking at him is a constant reminder I keep picturing it and how it happened what they did. all of it. I don't know how to make it stop. And I don't know if i can ever trust him again. I am just so sick of it all. i really am. i feel like maybe I should have been a better woman. or maybe been whatever he wanted and it wouldn't have happened. im lost and hurt and i really need help. i feel like my spirit is dead.


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## eaustin87 (May 6, 2009)

but what do you do if things don't really get fixed, what if the whole thing just gets swept under the rug and becomes taboo. he gets mad if i try to talk about it he always just says "im sorry, I know i wish i wouldn't have did it, but i can't take it back" so what do you when he says that but doesn't show that he's sorry. what do you do when your not allowed to talk about it, and just supposed to pretend it never happened. How do i do that? so now im stuffing all my feelings inside and its almost like he tries not to notice the damage that he has done.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

M'lady - I've read this thread, and I hope maybe I can help a bit.

First things first - it has not been very long since you found out about your husband's unfaithfulness. It is very natural to go though all the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing. No, you aren't doomed to a life of hatefulness, nor one of resentment - unless you choose to live that way. 
_But give yourself some time!_ Don't expect your feelings to change right away. 

I suspect that the reason you are feeling such anger and resentment is directly related to the fact that your husband IS trying to 'sweep this under the rug'. In reality, no matter how hard he tries, that just can't be done. Here's where you need to take a big step, and it may not be easy. But then - is the way you are living now easy? 

Ask yourself if your husband is willing to work on your marriage. Do you think he is? If so, are you willing to ask him if he is? If he is willing to work on your marriage, he will show this by agreeing to do whatever it takes, to do all he can, to make things right. That means talking to you about it.

There is a lot of work that must be done - if you read any of the other threads around this site, you'll know that affairs usually don't happen out of the blue - usually there are problems in your marriage that make an affair a temptation. At some point you'll both have to address those issues - or else your marriage will fail. 

But this is not the time. Right now, you need to find out if your husband is committed to the marriage. You wrote:



> ...you can't just promise yourself to someone before god, break the vows, and then say you mean them now versus not meaning them before...


Respectfully - _sure you can_. People can learn from mistakes - and move onward toward better things. Your job is to find out if your husband is willing to work on your marriage. It is quite possible that he simply thinks he IS by just going on with the actions of being married. It's up to you to let him know it's not working. 

For one thing - if there were problems in the past in your marriage - doesn't it make sense that just going back to the way things were - will simply start those old troubles right back up? If he is willing to work on it - you'll need to work on those.

So find out! After you know this - you'll have some clue about what to do next - and you can get good advise here.


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## eaustin87 (May 6, 2009)

and thats what im scared of, going back to the same pattern this is not a learn and grow from experience this is a pretend it never happened and go back to the same problems daily type issue. thats why i am so mad all the time because there is no remorse being shown, not by him anyway, and i am having a hard time becuase i feel like i love him more because i thought about him and he actually did the deed. told me he thought about the consequences before he did it but he didn't care.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

he gets mad if i try to talk about it he always just says "im sorry, I know i wish i wouldn't have did it, but i can't take it back" so what do you when he says that but doesn't show that he's sorry. 

I have talked with the husband about this. Honestly, what is he gonna do to make it show that he's sorry? Everything he could try, still isn't gonna be good enough. I say that because thats what I found out when I said that exact same sentence. 

As far as talking about it all, I have to catch myself and make sure we are talking about it, not I am talking AT HIM about it. No one wants to be screamed at or judged daily. But I do think that they owe us the entire spread of their explanation and what they are going to do to make sure it doesn't happen again.


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## eaustin87 (May 6, 2009)

and worse: before the A I told him and kept telling him there was something wrong the fighting everything i kept telling him we needed to fix us. but instead of coming to me like a man and telling me what he was considering doing to me we could have fixed it then not thinking"hmm.. i could lose my wife and daughter if i do this- o well." then doing it. god, such a PIG! how do you think? and then was still having sex with me; after he soiled himself. i don't think i could give myself to another man and then sleep with my H that is so DIRTY to let him do that I have so much more respect for him than that.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

eaustin87 said:


> and thats what im scared of, going back to the same pattern this is not a learn and grow from experience this is a pretend it never happened and go back to the same problems daily type issue. thats why i am so mad all the time because there is no remorse being shown, not by him anyway, and i am having a hard time becuase i feel like i love him more because i thought about him and he actually did the deed. told me he thought about the consequences before he did it but he didn't care.


Lotta stuff in that paragraph! 

First - you are very right to be scared about going back into the same pattern - that's a lot of what caused the trouble in the first place, and going right back to that will just end up with the same troubles - only worse this time, because it will probably end your marriage.

I'm guessing that the reason he just wants things to go back to the way they were, and why he doesn't want to talk about it - and why he shows no remorse - is because he's embarrassed and it makes him feel uncomfortable to think about it. He's hoping you will forget it and leave it be.

Know what I say? So what? Deal with feeling uncomfortable, man - you cause the trouble - you need to fix it.

And you are right - you DID love him more (at least - what you understood to be love for him!) than he did for you. He did not show you love at all. 

Here's the issue - if he does love you, if he does want to fix the marriage - he'll need to pick up his tools and get to work. It's not going to fix itself, and you can't do it alone. 

You'll need to set up some sort of communication with him - let him know things aren't working for you, and that its hurting you. Then (this is called a Plan A on marriage builders):

Set up a timeline for how long you are going to work on your marriage (say - 6 months). 

In that time - be the woman he fell in love with. Do everything you can to make him feel loved and appreciated. I know it will hurt - but there's both an end in sight, and a reason for doing this.

The reason(s) - 1) He may respond eventually by trying to make you feel more loved - which means that you can then start really working on your marriage. 2) If that timeline runs out and he hasn't responded - and you move on to Plan B, he'll all of the sudden see all the things he's missing.

And right now - start preparing - save up money, set up a place to stay, whatever. Don't wait until the very end and have to scramble all the sudden to get yourself away (or get him to move).

Plan B is where you let your husband see that effects of not responding to you. It's a way to protect you from more hurt, and at the same time (hopefully) show him the error of hurting you - so that he will begin to do what it takes to win you back.

Don't jump the gun though! _*No*_ plan B till you do a good Plan A!!!!


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## eaustin87 (May 6, 2009)

i have looked all on this site and i cant seem to find the plan...lol


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

If I could just add a small bit to what Tanelorn said, it's been my experience that a disloyal spouse rarely starts off feeling remorse and groveling for forgiveness. Usually there are two things at play in their heads right at first: 

1) Withdrawal--During the affair, the disloyal spouse gets a love zing--that thrill of being attractive and wanted--from the Other Person. The OP can do those little thrilling things pretty easy because they don't have to put up with their behavior at home on a day-to-day basis, so the disloyal spouse gets pretty addicted to that love zing. Once the affair stops, they don't have that little thrill anymore so they go through a time of withdrawal, where they hurt, feel lonely and sad, miss the zing and are tempted to recontact. Thus I'd say for the first couple weeks or maybe more, they act sort of depressed, mopey, and withdrawn. 

2) Disloyal dizziness--When a person has an affair, emotional or physical, a whole lot of the affair is fantasy. In their head, to justify what they're doing that they know is wrong, the disloyal spouse will make the Other Person their "soulmate" able to meet their needs perfectly...and make their spouse someone they never loved who is a horrible monster. As you can see, most of that ALL is made up in their head, so again it takes a while for their head and way of thinking to go from "affair dizziness" weird way of thinking to their normal self! For a while there, it's like they are taken over by an alien. 

When they do start to come out of it, they know fully and exactly what they've done and it's HORRIBLE! They did an awful, hurtful, unforgivable thing to someone they care about, and the last thing the disloyal person wants to do is go over it all again with a fine tooth comb! To get to the clearer head and less dizzy thinking it is easier for the disloyal person to forget the past and look to the future--let the past be dead, cuz it's over. For the loyal person though this doesn't work (at all). 

Thus I would suggest one practical idea. Speak to your husband and see if you could ask him ONE question a day about the affair. This would help YOU to recover from it and help HIM to know that it won't be an inquisition--it will be one question and then be done.


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## lovebug82 (Nov 11, 2009)

eaustin87 said:


> It has been a month since my husband has told me about his affair, the other night we were intimate and i couldn't stop thinking about it because i saw him with her the same way he was with me. It grossed me out. It made me angry and I wanted to cry. I am ok on some days but most days when I think about it. I am resentful and very very hateful I constantly think about asking him to leave. I think about our vows and how broken they are. you can't just promise yourslef to som eone before god, break the vows, and then say I you mean them now versus not meaning them before. I am ill all the time and I don't see my H as my H I look at him and I hate him so much for doing this to me. Making me look like a fool. I want so badly to see him suffer. I pray every night asking god to help me not feel this way, but I wake up the next morning look over at my H and feel disgusted that he i even in my bed. Will these feelings ever stop or am I doomed to a life of hatefulness and resent
> ment?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovebug82 (Nov 11, 2009)

eaustin87 said:


> It has been a month since my husband has told me about his affair, the other night we were intimate and i couldn't stop thinking about it because i saw him with her the same way he was with me. It grossed me out. It made me angry and I wanted to cry. I am ok on some days but most days when I think about it. I am resentful and very very hateful I constantly think about asking him to leave. I think about our vows and how broken they are. you can't just promise yourslef to som eone before god, break the vows, and then say I you mean them now versus not meaning them before. I am ill all the time and I don't see my H as my H I look at him and I hate him so much for doing this to me. Making me look like a fool. I want so badly to see him suffer. I pray every night asking god to help me not feel this way, but I wake up the next morning look over at my H and feel disgusted that he i even in my bed. Will these feelings ever stop or am I doomed to a life of hatefulness and resentment?



Hi I'm soo sorry to hear....u took the words write out of my mouth I feel the same way I'm on here looking for hope n answers it has been 3months since my husband of 9months n boyfriend of 10 yrs..we r newly weds this is supposed to be the best time of our lives...I try to move on each day but every good moment turns into a horrible memory of wut he did espcally sex...it does get a lil better each day but it's hit or miss...Latly more miss ..I'm sorry I have no answers it just I fel the same way.. He wants us to move on n soo do I but I can't forget this ever but I can't divorce him idk y ....I wish I could turn back time n I know u wish the same......u can vent more if u like to me...all I can say is that even if u love someone sooo much...it can't erase what they did So like everyone says time heals all ....sometimes........gd luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eaustin87 (May 6, 2009)

yea, i guess like i said it is exctly that good days vs. the bad, i am constantly worried and i have night terrors of him leaving and telling me he never loved me, terrible nightmares seeing it happen over and over, sometimes i feel like im going crazy. i just don't see how he did this. we talked for a few hours the other night, and i made it clear to him that right now, i still don't know if i can forgive him. especially, since now i don't know what he is capable of anymore, my whole marriage/relationship was a lie, i used to worry about a lot of things but NEVER saw this coming and i feel like if he had just sat me down and told me what he was thinking of doing rather than just doing it, we couldve worked through it, but now i don't know because he made something so sacred to me, a disgrace, i hate it all. and i feel like there is no starting over because my opinion of him has changed so much and I don't see him as the same man. now i just see him as another one of my mistakes. and it confuses me, I love him, and i know i do when i look at him to think of anything happening to him kind of bothers me, but I am not sure if I am in love with him anymore, because of this.


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## eaustin87 (May 6, 2009)

AFFAIRCARE- we do talk like i said when it happened he answered all my questions and still does but he said it makes him feel bad because he is the one that went that far and yet again i was the innocent one that "loved him enough" to keep it home (even though considering having an affair) and now i feel like i am just waiting for it to happen again whether its 2 mos from now or 6 yrs from now. just waiting. and it puts a knot in my stomach the size of canada. i feel like he really could never love me as much as i love him or fall as hard and deep as i once was. Its not a good feeling to just sit around and wait. I feel like I should be preparing myself instead of trying to fix it. I feel like I don't know him. And I wonder if I ever did? I can never trust him again. Not to not hurt me. I kind of want him to go away to see what it's like without his family to see if he can really deal with the consequences of his actions but i know he would just jump right back into the single life and not care about me. I am afraid. terribly afraid of 5 years from now. I just can't see it anymore.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You need to work on your own self worth. If you believed in yourself, you would know that you CAN survive without him, no matter what happens. If he loves you, great, you get to have a happy life with him. If he cheats again, then you kick him out and move on with your life and find a better man. Therapy will help you get to that point.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Sorry about the long post - there's a lot in what you posted that I though was worthy of some consideration...

First - just keep in mind that _it's only been a month_ - you haven't given yourself any time to recover! Right now, everything feels overwhelming and frightening - it won't always. Let time pass - and don't tell yourself 'I should be over this already' Fact is - you aren't yet!



> we talked for a few hours the other night, and i made it clear to him that right now, i still don't know if i can forgive him. especially, since now i don't know what he is capable of anymore, my whole marriage/relationship was a lie, i used to worry about a lot of things but NEVER saw this coming and i feel like if he had just sat me down and told me what he was thinking of doing rather than just doing it, we could've worked through it, but now i don't know because he made something so sacred to me, a disgrace, i hate it all.


You do know what he's capable of! Here's a little tip - _anyone, *everyone*, *all people*_ - are capable of having an affair. No one is immune. The key is to build a relationship where such a thing isn't necessary - that's where the work in a marriage happens.

The most important thing is in this line though: "...i used to worry about a lot of things but NEVER saw this coming..." - it also comes out in the post to Affaircare: "...he is the one that went that far and yet again i was the innocent one that "loved him enough" to keep it home (even though considering having an affair)..."

This shows that there was a problem in your marriage - _and if that problem does not get fixed_, then another affair (by either one of you) is very possible. Both of you felt that something was wrong - and both of you thought that there must be a solution outside the marriage. The difference: your husband fell for it, you did not. He was wrong to do this.

But the troubles in your marriage opened the door to that. 

*I'd also like to point out something pretty important: you are BOTH very vulnerable to falling for the temptation to have an affair, very soon, and if you don't take steps to avoid that, you can pretty much kiss your marriage goodbye. *



> and i feel like there is no starting over because my opinion of him has changed so much and I don't see him as the same man. now i just see him as another one of my mistakes. and it confuses me, I love him, and i know i do when i look at him to think of anything happening to him kind of bothers me, but I am not sure if I am in love with him anymore, because of this.


Remember - _it has not been very long_. Feelings of love take time to build, and hurt feelings take time to heal. Give yourself some slack! Also: this is a good sign that you can save your marriage, and make it much better than it was before. You have some feelings for him. Keep those. Over time, he will build the fire up again. You both will. 



> i feel like he really could never love me as much as i love him or fall as hard and deep as i once was.


Everybody is different - no one feels love emotions like anyone else. The key, though, in a good marriage, is not to depend on the feeling of love - but to find out what creates those feeling s in your spouse - and then doing those things. _Real love is action_. The emotion we like to think of as love is actually a mixture of many feelings - appreciation, lust, happiness, etc. Those change all the time. 



> Its not a good feeling to just sit around and wait. I feel like I should be preparing myself instead of trying to fix it.


Those two activities (preparing and fixing) do not cancel each other out! Of COURSE you should be preparing yourself! Just sitting around and waiting is one of the worst things you can do. That's why I suggested doing a Plan A (fixing) - and preparing for a Plan B (preparing), in case things turn worse for you. And no - those are not specific 'plans' that are laid out for you - they are YOUR plans. 

Plan A is something you do to make yourself the woman your husband fell in love with. You treat him with all respect, kindness, and try your best to do all the things that HE feels make him feel love - - 

NOTE: At least SOME of these things were missing - hence the fact that he fell for an affair - - 

...and all the while you are doing these things, you are avoiding doing things that turn off his love. 

And you do not do this forever. You set a timeline (as explained before) and after that time, you switch to YOUR Plan B - which we can help you with here.

So no - you should not be sitting around waiting - what do you expect to happen? _It won't magically go away! _



> I can never trust him again. Not to not hurt me. I kind of want him to go away to see what it's like without his family to see if he can really deal with the consequences of his actions but i know he would just jump right back into the single life and not care about me. I am afraid. terribly afraid of 5 years from now. I just can't see it anymore.


I'd like to point out that 'trusting' someone can go too far. It's better to keep in mind that anyone - even you - can be unfaithful, given the right circumstances. You must guard your heart. And one of the ways to do that is to create a marriage in which the temptation of marriage is irrelevant - things are good at home - why go elsewhere? 

That's the work you have ahead of you if you decide to live by your vows to your husband.


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