# Can I save this and make something worth having?



## RubyShoes (Sep 16, 2011)

Hi All

I’m new to this forum but you all seem friendly  I was hoping for some advice, and to get something off my chest 

So condensed... Whilst I was engaged (year before wedding) H became very distant, he assured me (and I believe him) he was fine, but content. I panicked. Maybe it was wedding jitters but it scared me to hell. I felt alone all of a sudden and got the ‘is this it’ feeling. To get a spark back I planned loads of stuff, we talked and started various hobbies (climbing, capoeira walking....) but he dropped out of all of them. My mum advised I just chill out and do my own things, that this ‘was not it’ and rightly, that he is not responsible for my fulfilment. I started a course, went out with friends, continued my hobbies (gym which I love, riding, I have a once monthly ladies morning where we work on creative projects). I was feeling more fulfilled until I met OM at work, we started talking. A lot. I started looking forward to work because of him. We were all made redundant and EMA spiralled into confessions of feelings and a brief PA. I ended it, was prescribed anti-depressants and fessed up to H although we ‘remained friends’ (H knew). What a dumbass. It went on as being friends for a while, until I’d been married 6 months. Yes, I was VERY confused and messed up. I was trapped in a marriage that I actually didn’t know if I wanted! Mother advised I ‘get on with it, it’s a phase and it will pass’ about three months before the wedding. I couldn’t sort my emotions. I read self help book after self help book. I am a fountain of knowledge on how to deal with anything except myself! The irony! Sometimes I was so passionate about working it out and other times I felt such a connection and fear at losing my ‘friend’ it just could not be right, right!? Well that is still an EMA. It’s just not full on. So I told OM we couldn’t be friends. Until he came into my life again two months ago. BAM. Feelings. He flirted, I got confused, told him he was confusing me with his actions and it was unfair and I couldn’t ever be his friend and he said he liked me. Oh joy. However!.... He can’t ever leave his wife and 2 kids because things aren’t bad at home. Not happy as larry, but not bad. He is getting on with wife and can’t lose kids. WELL THEN WHY SAY ANYTHING EINSTEIN. He could have said OK, bye. He wanted to be friends, I said no. He emailed every day for a week. He got drunk and called me, he told me one day he loved his family and another he’d be happier with me, he told me he loved me and was chicken, he told me he was hurting, he told me everything. Wednesday I put an end to it forever because I can’t sleep, eat, function. It is making me sick. The idea he wants to be friends with someone he ‘loves’, hides from his wife, only contacts when convenient.... err... NO! It’s sickening! H and I are booked into counselling next week. 

Those of you who have had affairs, please can anyone tell me if we could get over this? Can I learn to rekindle what has been lost with H for years. I widened this gap, I made it worse, all I can say in my defence is I’ve begged H to do stuff with me, and sought comfort for my loneliness elsewhere instead of doing what’s right! Please believe me I am horrified at what I’ve done and typing it! Wow. In black and white.... it makes me sick. I still have feelings for OM but he won’t ever contact me again and I’ve got rid of everything. I could remember his email but I’ll never go there. I want a fulfilling relationship and I’ve ironically made mine worse and mentally had one elsewhere.... . Can I find out what OM offered and bring it into my marriage I don’t know why I feel this way when anyone would be so happy with what I’ve got! I just want H to be there for me and with me. I don’t feel emotionally supported, even finding out about A H said he loved me and still wanted to marry. That was it. I’d have gone ballistic!!! I gave him every opp to lose his rag with me. He never did. It makes no sense to me and he can’t explain why! He knew I had spoken to OM again recently and I have told him what happened again but he said because I did the right thing he’s not fussed. He said we all have emotions and feelings, it’s what you do that counts. He is right and I did try to do the right thing. I’m petrified of counselling though and what we might find. Is this normal? Has anyone else had counselling? Does it help? Or is this it? I've been with H 9 years and I'm so confused!!

Thanks all and sorry it’s so long!


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## RubyShoes (Sep 16, 2011)

Just to add I've been married 18 months. 9 year relationship this year.
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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

RubyShoes said:


> Those of you who have had affairs, please can anyone tell me if we could get over this?


Yes. You have a crush on another man. You can get those feelings to go away in two ways. The first is time and distance. Simply not seeing or talking to the OM will make your feelings fade. The second is thinking rationally about the OM. What are his faults? Obviously one fault is his willingness to cheat on his wife. You have problems with your husband, but you said he's happy with his wife. What kind of man chases another woman when he's happily married? Not a good man. I bet his breath stinks in the mornings and he leaves his dirty underwear on the floor as well.

Think about your first crush or a boy who dumped you. You were probably head over heels in love. If you saw that person now, you would probably laugh at yourself for being so broken up about losing him.



RubyShoes said:


> Can I learn to rekindle what has been lost with H for years.


Yes again. But your husband has to do some work. First, he needs to wake up and smell the coffee. His wife was on he verge of having an affair with another man. And he doesn't seem concerned. He needs to get angry and take some action. You would probably feel better if he told you off and made you sleep on the couch for two weeks.

The problem was that you were hinting to your husband in a language he didn't understand. He heard, "I like to hike and I think you would too." Since he doesn't like hiking, he didn't feel like he needed to go. What you were actually saying was more along the lines of, "I want to be married to a man of action and that's not you, so I want you to become more active or I'll find another man." Now that would get most men off the couch.

Send your husband to Married Man Sex Life or, better yet, buy him the primer Amazon.com: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (9781460981733): Athol Kay: Books
You shouldn't read these materials. They will just turn your general dissatisfaction with your husband into anger about specific things that he's not doing and give you a scorecard to measure him against. Just tell him very bluntly that he needs to read it and get cracking on the MAP or he will likely lose you.



RubyShoes said:


> I’m petrified of counselling though and what we might find. Is this normal? Has anyone else had counselling? Does it help? Or is this it?


Millions of people have had counseling. It can help, or it can hurt. It depends on the counselor and your willingness to be open to the process. Don't be afraid to change counselors until you find one that both of you are comfortable with and who you feel is helping your marriage.

You're afraid because you're going to have to speak bluntly about your moral failings in cheating on your husband. That's not going to be fun. But, you have to deal with this for yourself and for your husband. Your husband is likely in denial and thinking that all that matters is that you didn't sleep with this guy while you were married. He needs to realize that you have WAY inappropriate feelings for another man. And that these feelings leave you completely vulnerable to having an affair, or even ending your marriage. You and your husband need to take care of this now and not allow it to sit dormant until the next time this guy decides to give you a booty call.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Does his wife know ? If not your husband and you together tell her of his waywardness.

You can never be friends with the OM , from your writing he is playing you, he wants a wife and a mistress and you by not enforcing no contact are a willing participant.
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dude. You are all over the place. 

You should NOT have gotten married. Not when you were actively having an affair with a married man with children. Why did you get married?

You absolutely can't work on your relationship if you are still talking to the OM. No way in hell. You still are chasing after the OM it seems. Stop doing that. He is married and has his own family. Counselling can be scary but very beneficial.

I guess my question is--do you even want to be married? Because it does not sound like it. You keep comparing your husband to a married man who wants nothing to do with you now and wants to work on his own marriage. 

I think you should cut your husband loose so he can find someone who is deserving of his love and iw willing to give him 100% because that does not sound like you. 

It's clear something is missing from your marriage and you are not happy in it. You're not doing either of you any favors by staying in it if you're not committed to it. 

Spend some time (a long time) being single and find out why you are so attached to someone who is married after all this time, won't cut it off, and have strugn your husband along in the interim. Very unhealthy. Drama is exhausting. Find out why you're addicted to it. 

Oh and tell your husband THE TRUTH. Don't say you had a "mental relationship only." Yeah right. You said yourself it was a physical affair.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Simply, you shouldn't be married to your husband.

Your husband did not do anything wrong. He does not have to do anything. You knew what he was like before you married him.

You, on the other hand, have internal issues you need to resolve. And who knows where that will end up.


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## RubyShoes (Sep 16, 2011)

PHTlump thank you for your kind words, I will do this right away 

Eli-zor no she doesn't. I have cut all contact and I wouldn't know where to contact her nor do I want anything to do with him. I know I've been Stupid and I've been confused. H deserves better. I am not friends with OM and have cut him totally from my life.

Jellybeans you are right in what you say. I've behave disgracefully. H knows everything including PA. OM wants to be friends and I do not. I can never see or speak to OM again. he most likely will have another A, I don't care. He spoke to me after months of NC and although it stirred something I have told him where to go. I am totally resolved on never speaking to him again. Yes I do want to be married and we are going to counselling. I know I'm all over the place however I am committed. I do want to do what is right and I am fortunate enough H feels like he does. I do have an attachment but it will go if I work hard. I want to take my bloody awful mistakes and make something positive. I know I have a long way to go believe me  And I know I am responsible.
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## RubyShoes (Sep 16, 2011)

Aug I know. I know he hasn't. I do have issues you are right. He doesn't need to change I need to! And I want to.
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How have you cut off contact with OM if you're saying he still wants to be friends? Does not make sense.

You say you want to change--so what steps are you taking to do that?


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Amazing to read that you've done everything right so far. You fessed up to your husband and you been transparent with him and you're actually seeking counseling together. I'm actually blown away by this!

Counseling can be scary especially when you don't know what to expect. I feel that you have good communication with your husband, but it could be better. I have a feeling that he may not fully understand how your feeling and vice versa. So, he doesn't share the same interests that you do. And that's okay. I think that it's healthy to have different interests. Gives you something to talk about at the end of the day. But, it's also healthy to have some shared interests. 

Counseling is only as affective as you want it to be, so just go with it. You might find in very beneficial.


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## RubyShoes (Sep 16, 2011)

Sorry - he said that to me and I said no. I have deleted everything and have no access to him. Although I remember his email add but I will never use it.

I am going to counselling with H, I have cut ties with OM and I am prepared to fight in the long haul. I am looking for any other ways I can change too. I am dealing with things with H, facing the truth of what I have done with the aim of burying it and becoming better. I want the good times back, before I screwed up and I am so fortunate H does too.
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## RubyShoes (Sep 16, 2011)

Argh, I mean he said that when we last spoke.
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## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

listen, i hate cheaters. there is no excuse to cheat, you should have broken up with him first if that is what you truly wanted. this was not a one night stand, you got up day after day and decided to cheat again. that being said if this is to work out, i think your husband may need more help than you. it is disgusting that he has swept this under the rug. my guessw ould be that you love him because he is a great guy but he doesn't get your juices flowing because he is a p****. he needs to read marriedmansexlife by atholk to get his crap together and find his mojo.


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## RubyShoes (Sep 16, 2011)

Thank you crossbar  Your post made me weepy 
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## RubyShoes (Sep 16, 2011)

Skip76 you are right. No excuse. I know I have been awfully wrong. This whole thing is awful. I don't want to make excuses I want to fix and get it better. I will look into that book.
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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

crossbar said:


> Amazing to read that you've done everything right so far. You fessed up to your husband and you been transparent with him and you're actually seeking counseling together. I'm actually blown away by this!
> 
> Counseling can be scary especially when you don't know what to expect. I feel that you have good communication with your husband, but it could be better. I have a feeling that he may not fully understand how your feeling and vice versa. So, he doesn't share the same interests that you do. And that's okay. I think that it's healthy to have different interests. Gives you something to talk about at the end of the day. But, it's also healthy to have some shared interests.
> 
> Counseling is only as affective as you want it to be, so just go with it. You might find in very beneficial.


:iagree:

Rubyshoes, you can only try your best. It'll work out if you have the intention to do so.


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## RubyShoes (Sep 16, 2011)

Thank you Aug. I will do my very best. I have a way to go but I'll find it.
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ruby-=you need to end ALL contact. You say you just spoke with the OM very recently. NO MORE contact.


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## RubyShoes (Sep 16, 2011)

Jellybeans I agree and I have. nil. When we last spoke I made it very very clear to him. I cannot contact him and I won't. If he contacts me I will show H and delete. I will not engage in any contact. It will only cause pain and nothing more.
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Good for you. Keep it up, girl.

If you want your marriage, no contact, go to counselling, be fully transparent with your husband about everything (your thoughts, what really happned w/ the affair your phone, facebook, etc). everything. Be accountable. OWN what you did without blaming him.

Stop chasing after the ghost of the OM. He is a weasel who cheated on hsi wife and kids with you repeatedly. That speaks a lot.


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## RubyShoes (Sep 16, 2011)

Thank you Jellybean  And I will. Believe me I own it. I take FULL responsibility. I thank my stars, all of them H is willing to help me. I don't even blame OM but I want rid of him. Although it's a pang still I have seen what he is. The pang is nothing more than a chemical reaction and means nothing real. What matters is how I become better now and rectify my errors. And yes he is. This girl is coming back to earth. With a bang but hey ho. I will be better because of this.
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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

Hi RubyShoes,

Make sure that the counselor "Fits". You may have to try a few on before you find the one that is really going to help you and your husband. Not that some are bad and some are good, but some are going to offer counseling that makes the most sense for you and your husband.

I'm concerned when I hear you say that you have to change, that your husband doesn't have to. You stopped all contact, have been very honest with your husband. There are obviously some things that both of you need to do from this point on. Make sure the counselor that you go to brings this to the table, otherwise I see your issues continuing because your needs for quality time with your husband haven't been met.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

And make sure the counselor is married!


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

It looks like you are on the right track. No contact ever again with OM. One thing I didn't see anyone point out. Trickle truth. You must be sure you have told your husband absolutely everything regarding the affair. "Trickle Truth" is when the cheating spouse only gives a little of the truth at a time, usually only what the loyal spouse already knows. Then, later, they discover something else. Lying and trickle truth hurt worse than the actual infidelity. At least, it makes trust much harder. I suggest you read "Wingsoflove" thread. You'll see the effect of trickle truth. 

Like someone else said, your marriage is like someone going to the Emergency Room with a heart attack and a broken leg. The affair is the heart attack and must be dealt with first. The broken leg is whatever was wrong with the marriage pre-affair. You have ended the affair, now it's time to work on the broken leg.


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## RubyShoes (Sep 16, 2011)

Ok thank you Mindful Coach. I will. And yes you are right, ultimately I feel I have more to do. But we will solve those problems together too. I will Jellybeans, that makes sense.
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## RubyShoes (Sep 16, 2011)

HurtinginTN thank you. At first yes I did trickle truth, mainly because I wanted to say but was afraid. After trickle truths for a little while (about two weeks) I just told everything out. It was too much and I just said all out. This time when OM contacted me I said everything straight up. No trickle. H knows exactly what was said by whom and when.
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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey RS---if and when the OM, ever tries to contact you again---you tell him, and don't be nice about it---if he EVER bothers you again, in any way, shape, or form, you will tell HIS WIFE, about everything, including his continueing attempts to contact you---that should delete him once and for all


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## RubyShoes (Sep 16, 2011)

Yes I have thought of that if he does! But I seriously doubt he will. He has too much pride and he knows I'll be livid. I'm glad he's chicken!
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