# Opposite Sex Friends, Help



## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Didn't see anything immediately and didn't want to find something only to ressurect a thread. 

Came here about a year or more ago due to divorce. Wife became mentally ill from a medication and personality switched horribly. 

I'm 5 days from 1 year divorce anniversary and I've been dating. Has sucked but found an old girlfriend from back when I was like.. 20. We were both played by a so called friend cus he wanted to sleep with her. He basically broke us up. We were kids and communication wasn't that high yet so we both took what we were told as truth. 

Now, here we are. She's widowed for 2 years now. We're doing the 50 questions thing. ONe of hers being about friends of opposite sex and how I would handle her being friends with a guy she was once intimate with. So I asked her how she'd handle her EA if she found herself in one and she did say "work on it ourselves or with counseling"

But she said "I couldn't imagine leaving my job after 8 years because of it, just to get away from the EA partner"

I'm curious, am I being oversensitive or anything to letting this bother me? 

Hope this is a good section for this discussion. 

Thanks. 

Dewayne


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My thoughts... Buy two copies of "Not Just Friends", read, and discuss. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It depends on how well a person can set and enforce boundaries, and avoid situations where those boundaries can be weakened.

My wife and I both have opposite sex friends, some of whom are ex's, and we've met all of each other's friends. We are both good at setting boundaries, and know to avoid situations where they can be compromised, such as by alcohol and being alone in private.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Why settle for someone if they don't share your values? Opposite sex friends are OK only if it's within the context of being friends with a couple. IMHO, it's not a good idea to tolerate your spouse having an opposite sex friend who is a "bossom buddy" where they are doing things together to the exclusion of you. Also, she already told you about how she'd handle a situation if cheating came up, i.e. does not believe in cutting out the AP completely. 

Frankly, she has different values than you. IMHO, no reason to settle for someone who you are not 1) head over heals in love with, 2) can talk to about ANYTHING, 3) mutual respect between each other and 4) have the same values.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> But she said "I couldn't imagine leaving my job after 8 years because of it, just to get away from the EA partner"


this bothers me since she has already envisioned a very specific situation. Is she chummy with a guy or several guys at work?

Does she have a lot of male friends to begin with? What have social outings with him been like?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

"Thank you for applying...I'll call you when I make my decision..."

"Next applicant!"


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Sorry guys. Let me back up. 

Btw, Bandit, lol'd my arse off. 

Ok, she's an ex from when we were 20. Broken up by a mutual friend who wanted her. 

We started talking on a dating site. She hadn't been logged in forever (and I noticed that when I hit 'send' ) She responded in 5 min's. Said "I hadn't been on here in a long time, just wanted to say hi since I saw your message" she didn't realize I had JUST SENT IT. 

Soon we realized who each other were. And it flew off. Met last night, ended with a very passionate kiss and talks of missing each other. We were both hurt because of what we believed by our mutual toxic friend. 

We're doing the 50 questions, trying to figure out if we share the same values. Her response to affair is "working on it together, I wouldn't leave you for someone. We work on it, by ourselves or with therapy if needed"

but fixing to converse on boundaries and see where that goes. To me it's half and half so far. 
Thanks for such a quick replies guys. Keep em coming. 

Dewayne


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Talk about boundaries, yes...

But she sounds like a flake.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Well, her issue is this she said, about her marriage to her late husband: "we were the best friend married couple. We gave up everything and everyone else for each other. After he died, I realized I gave up too much of myself. I didn't have any friends when he passed. No one to go to, no one to comfort me. My family were all outta town. "

She's wanting / needing friends. And she has one she was intimate with before which I have yet to ask details yet. Like if he's married etc. Or if he's single and all that stuff.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

There's 2 male friends and they're both single. She was intimate with both of them, and I take it this was in the last 2 years after her husband passed.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Take it slow and trust your gut.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

I am not friends with any man from my past that has shared "I love you's" or his penis with me. I expect the same from my H.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> So I asked her how she'd handle her EA if she found herself in one and she did say "work on it ourselves or with counseling"
> 
> But she said "I couldn't imagine leaving my job after 8 years because of it, just to get away from the EA partner"


*Wrong answer.*

*Correct answer:* I've never cheated on my husband or BF and I'd like to believe I'm not the type that could ever do that.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You'll have to figure out if she's good with boundaries, and also if you trust her to keep them. If you're at all unsure about either, don't get involved.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Thanks guys. 

I just want to know if I'm being paranoid. Cus I do understand her situation. SHe has good friends now, even though they've been intimate. Because she didn't have friends for 11 years while being married. 

I believe her when she says she's never cheated. She was completely open when we met when we were 20. She was married, but married a year and he cheated twice. She took him back the first time, 2nd time she gave him the boot. Divorce was all but signed by judge and it still took us a month to even kiss. But again, she was 20. She's not a kid anymore and may or may not have the same values.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

1. Slow down.
2. Get tested for STD's (just kidding)
3. I don't think you can expect too much from her right now. I think right now you are both free to do what you want. If it gets more serious then discuss these issues.
4. I would say this, if she says I would never give up this friendship with him ever, then follow Bandit's advice.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> 1. Slow down.
> 2. Get tested for STD's (just kidding)
> 3. I don't think you can expect too much from her right now. I think right now you are both free to do what you want. If it gets more serious then discuss these issues.
> 4. *I would say this, if she says I would never give up this friendship with him ever, then follow Bandit's advice.*


:iagree:

I understand that as BS's we may have a different perspective than others. But at the point where you are in serious, exclusive relationship; I'd want to know that my feelings would be her first priority.

And I'd tell her that if boundaries were crossed to the point of making you uncomfortable with the friendship, that she would have to make a choice.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I'm dating again after d. I would pass on her but that's me. 

Does she not have female friends? Are the only male friends that she has ones that she slept with? If yes to both, then look else where.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

I think friendships with people with whom she has been intimate would be disrespectful especially every time you were in their presence. See if she would understand why this would be so and gage her response. If she needs friends she can make new ones.

Seasalt


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Also did your Toxic friend get what he wanted from her. Not relevant I guess just curious to see what happened to toxic slime ball
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

workindad said:


> I'm dating again after d. I would pass on her but that's me.
> 
> Does she not have female friends? Are the only male friends that she has ones that she slept with? If yes to both, then look else where.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

workindad said:


> Also did your Toxic friend get what he wanted from her. Not relevant I guess just curious to see what happened to toxic slime ball
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, it became very clear to her very soon, and even more clear on how bad he was after we all moved out of the apartment (kids, remember? lol) and I was gone. I spent one night with her when we moved her back to her parent's rather large home. After that I didn't come back. 

Toxic friend was lying to both of us to split us up. So I believe it and left, like a chump.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

The odd in between us worked perfectly for the TF. I mean, she was different because she was told teh same kinda stuff. So when I was told what he said to me, it fit with her behavior so it looked real. An evil plan couldn't have worked more beautifully.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dewayne76 said:


> ONe of hers being about friends of opposite sex and how I would handle her being friends with a guy she was once intimate with. So I asked her how she'd handle her EA if she found herself in one and she did say "work on it ourselves or with counseling"


You should ask her how she would handle you being friends with a woman you were once intimate with.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> "Thank you for applying...I'll call you when I make my decision..."
> 
> "Next applicant!"


:rofl:

Damn. You're a tough interview, bandit!


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Thanks again for the help guys. 

I'll work on slowing it down a bit. I know not everything is so black and white and I need to be a bit more patient with things, so slow it is and see how it goes. 

No expectations, gage everything, and if / when it thumps me on the head that it's time to let it go, I GTFO. 

We are NOT serious, and I understand people change views and etc when it hits serious. She MAY be willing to give them up after a while and we're serious. 

Thanks.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

HAHA jelly. 

Can't believe I left that one out, lol.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> Thanks guys.
> 
> I just want to know if I'm being paranoid. Cus I do understand her situation. *SHe has good friends now, even though they've been intimate.* Because she didn't have friends for 11 years while being married.
> 
> I believe her when she says she's never cheated. She was completely open when we met when we were 20. She was married, but married a year and he cheated twice. She took him back the first time, 2nd time she gave him the boot. Divorce was all but signed by judge and it still took us a month to even kiss. But again, she was 20. She's not a kid anymore and may or may not have the same values.


How many "friends" has she been "intimate" with? 

Once you have been intimate with someone you are no longer friends. You are "friends with benefits" or "ex-lovers". 

Look, you cannot tell her who she can or cannot be friends with. 

But you can say "Sweetie-kins, I have no right to tell you who you can or cannot be friends with. You may be okay with having a steady boyfriend while continuing a friendship with an ex-lover(s), but that kind of arrangement is unacceptable to me. If we ever get serious and become exclusive, I will not stay in a relationship where there are ex-lovers orbiting around us like satellites. I'm claustrophobic that way. So I'm just letting you know up front; so that, in the event you ever have an idea about you and me getting together exclusively, you will know where I stand ahead of time."


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> :rofl:
> 
> Damn. You're a tough interview, bandit!


In the second interview they have to strip down.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I'm a bit old school here..

I had issues with the current GF Beta orbiters.. 

I will give you the abridged version. 

They all wanted to date her.. She tells me she never dated them but remained friends with them. Basically politely turned them down.. 

Nonetheless, I didn't give a sh1t and told her I would absolutely not compete for first place with these men.. 

She also confided with them about our relationship.. As you can imagine they were not on my side.. That is a big no no..

I told her cut them loose or we were done.. 

I told her you can have all the Girl friends you want.. But this guy friends Bullsh1t is done.. 

I completely gave her zero quarter and zero wiggle room.. 

Yes do I know men will want to hit on my GF.. OF COURSE... 

But is my GF going to talk or hang out with a guy who is looking to fvck her.. ABSOLUTELY NOT... 

She knows I catch her chatting behind my back, I'm done.. ZERO excuses..

Look you're not serious yet. So I can't imagine you saying something about this. Once you guys become a couple or just before you guys make that decision, I think that talk has to be made.. 

I don't know I would feel uncomfortable sitting in a room knowing some guy across the table is looking to fvck my GF, let alone actually did it.. 

I will admit it, I'm not that mature yet at 46.. Maybe at 56 I might be cool with it ..


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Oh dear!

Enjoy some fun but do not get attached, she likes to be wanted and if you step out of line those "friends" numbers get called, that's the way it works with chicks like that, they like to be players and being chased, she had a go, didn't like it so moved on but is keeping these guys in "orbit" as a little back up plan should she feel the want of another guys c0ck that day.

Look out for the signs, op sex friends ok, op sex friends who have been there already, big no no in a new reltionship, if they turn up in life then deal with it but do not walk into this blindly it just gets messy.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I don't know if your wife cheated on you but if that's the case, then I would lay the cards on the table and tell her or any other woman I was involved with that I went down the road called misery and will not do it again for anyone so if you can understand my feelings on having male friends that you have been to bed with as friends then I'm not your guy and I gave you my reason. 

She would know with out a doubt how I feel about it and then it's her choice and if she can't make her mind up, then I'll do it for her.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

From my experience, often a woman's version of "just friends" with a guy is this:

"Of course he would have sex with me if he could, but I won't let him, so we are just friends."

As Hardtohandle said, "beta orbiters." I guess she is pretty enough to have orbiters. From a lot of threads here, I get the feeling a pretty face or an attractive figure make guys lose all self respect.

Another thing from my experience: Women who have orbiters have to give the orbiters some encouragement to keep them orbiting. That means, when the orbiter makes a risque, flirty, inappropriate comment, they turn him down NICELY. The message is, "not now, but keep trying, someday it might happen, but not now."

I don't quite understand the mentality of the orbiter guys, but as Hardtohandle also has posted, women with orbiters use the orbiters as a sounding board, to prove how right they are in any dispute with you. As you might guess, the orbiters ALWAYS take her side and you are the bad guy.

I dated some girls with orbiters when I was young. Very annoying. The girls wanted to have "options" (my words, not theirs). I learned from it and avoided it.

Your situation is something a little more than just orbiters. She did actually sleep with them at one time. That means she found them attractive enough and more importantly they found her attractive enough. Very likely they'd do her again if she gave the word, very few will respect a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship even if they did have the morals not to sleep with a married woman and even fewer need an "emotional connection" to have sex. Still, it would be on her to give them the go-ahead, but who wants a woman who keeps guys like that around?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Dewayne76 said:


> Well, her issue is this she said, about her marriage to her late husband: "we were the best friend married couple. We gave up everything and everyone else for each other. After he died, I realized I gave up too much of myself. I didn't have any friends when he passed. No one to go to, no one to comfort me. My family were all outta town. "
> 
> She's wanting / needing friends. And she has one she was intimate with before which I have yet to ask details yet.


 She had no friends because she was married? She can only have friends if they are males that she recently had sex with? She gave up too much of herself for her husband, by not having male friends that she had sex with? Are you kidding me? My wife has many good friends, but none of them are male that she has f*cked. RED FLAG ALERT!!!!!! And this is before I even confirm that she cheated on you with a mutual friend when the two of you were in your twenties; that is true right?

Throw in that she is telling you right now that she would refuse to leave a job to go full no contact with an affair partner, and I say run. Do not waste another minute of your life with this train wreak waiting to happen.


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

wranglerman said:


> Oh dear!
> 
> Enjoy some fun but do not get attached, she likes to be wanted and if you step out of line those "friends" numbers get called, that's the way it works with chicks like that, they like to be players and being chased, she had a go, didn't like it so moved on but is keeping these guys in "orbit" as a little back up plan should she feel the want of another guys c0ck that day.
> 
> Look out for the signs, op sex friends ok, op sex friends who have been there already, big no no in a new reltionship, if they turn up in life then deal with it but do not walk into this blindly it just gets messy.


This. I wish I had this advice a decade ago , before my Divorce and my Ex running off with his "Just a friend that he had once been in love with and slept with"
Would have saved me a decade. 

Trust your gut. Period.

You will try to make all kinds of things up to make the situation what you want it to be.
I did...

Advice. What does your GUT tell you?

Go with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

darklilly23 said:


> This. I wish I had this advice a decade ago , before my Divorce and my Ex running off with his "Just a friend that he had once been in love with and slept with"
> Would have saved me a decade.
> 
> Trust your gut. Period.
> ...


I have seen this first hand a number of times over the years, always best to confront the issue, if they are serious then they drop the orbiters.

If they are not serious enough and behave childishly about it then you have to make a choice, deal with the fact that they had an attraction enough to fvck in the first place and that familiarity can and often does come back without realization until bent over the copier with her pants round her ankles, or find another girl to hang with who does not need such gratification from other men and tells them where they stand, in or out, ex's are not friends and especially in new relatioships.

I have a colleague who is playing with fire right now, she broke up with him, got a rebound guy, got serious and set up home but kept the ex in the picture, he came by a couple weeks back to "drop some papers off" and they were very cosy in the office until I walked in and interrupted it with the need for help with a young horse, if they had gone for the lunch that was being talked about then I could see fo sure he was going to be banging her for dessert, and the whole time her BF is seemingly "OK" with the ex being on the scene and even my quiet word had little or no effect, I have warned him and told her to stop playing with fie but we shall see what happens.

Nothing is circumstantial when it concerns adultery and acts of infidelity, these guys are around because she wants it that way, if she didn't then they would get point blank "quit hitting on me or there will be a problem" she likes the attention and uses her charms to get what she wants, if you are smart you'll heed the advice given.


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## srhgsfjd (Feb 1, 2014)

Now, here we are. She's widowed for 2 years now.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Hardtohandle said:


> I told her you can have all the Girl friends you want.. But this guy friends Bullsh1t is done..



What if she was bisexual? Then she couldn't have any friends at all?



Will_Kane said:


> I don't quite understand the mentality of the orbiter guys, but as Hardtohandle also has posted, women with orbiters use the orbiters as a sounding board, to prove how right they are in any dispute with you. As you might guess, the orbiters ALWAYS take her side and you are the bad guy.


If it makes you feel any better, the life of an "orbiter" is the worst place on Earth. They've been "friendzoned" and live in the constant hope of something they will never have.


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## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

wranglerman said:


> Oh dear!
> 
> Enjoy some fun but do not get attached, she likes to be wanted and if you step out of line those "friends" numbers get called, that's the way it works with chicks like that, they like to be players and being chased, she had a go, didn't like it so moved on but is keeping these guys in "orbit" as a little back up plan should she feel the want of another guys c0ck that day.
> 
> Look out for the signs, op sex friends ok, op sex friends who have been there already, big no no in a new reltionship, if they turn up in life then deal with it but do not walk into this blindly it just gets messy.


Nailed it, IMHO.

Take precautions. Don't get too attached or rush into things.

Most likely, in a couple months (or less) you will find this probably isn't long term relationship material- as long as you keep your eyes/mind open and don't allow yourself to be drugged by limerence.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Dewayne76. 

She is not ready for a real relationship right now.

Maybe when she grows up.

Maybe after she stops making friends by banging them.

Maybe when she could go NC if she had an A.

Don't become another orbiter.

Best wishes.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Dewayne76 said:


> Sorry guys. Let me back up.
> 
> Btw, Bandit, lol'd my arse off.
> 
> ...


It seems a little early for this kind of talk. How long have you been dating, I'm confused on that point.

The question isn't so much about the job, but what would a person do for someone they truly loved.

More details on how your "friend" was allowed to break you up. This seems to be the Achilles' heel of this relationship.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Theseus said:


> What if she was bisexual? Then she couldn't have any friends at all?


 She could have friends, but not with anyone that she had sex with.



Theseus said:


> If it makes you feel any better, the life of an "orbiter" is the worst place on Earth. They've been "friendzoned" and life in the constant hope of something they will never have.


 There is a big difference between "probably not have" and "never have". By having a number of orbiters always around that want to get into her pants, all it takes is the husband not being perfect and doing something stupid for one of the orbiters to get lucky. No spouse is perfect, and there will be ups and downs in most normal marriages. Orbiters do not give the spouse much room for error, or the time to correct those errors.


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## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

Chaparral said:


> More details on how your "friend" was allowed to break you up. This seems to be the Achilles' heel of this relationship.


I suspect the "friend" was "allowed" to break them up because she's the type to have a lot of male friends hanging around as backups, and it doesn't take much for one of them to be let in. She has a need to be wanted/chased by someone new that overpowers any of her needs that can be met by a relationship.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Lotsa luck to you, Dewayne. You're probably a lot less paranoid than I am. There's no way in hell I could handle a relationship where the woman I was dating, or worse, married to, was carrying on any kind of friendship with someone she'd been screwing. No way! That would be in my mind constantly. If she simply refused to give up that friendship, I'd be gone in a minute. If it doesn't bother you, more power to ya!


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> Another thing from my experience: Women who have orbiters have to give the orbiters some encouragement to keep them orbiting. That means, when the orbiter makes a risque, flirty, inappropriate comment, they turn him down NICELY. The message is, "not now, but keep trying, someday it might happen, but not now."


QFT. These orbiters achieve perigee periodically, and keep trying to penetrate the atmosphere. My W has had more than one of these obnoxious bozos over the years.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

A happy romantic relationship requires that the two people to be completely monogamous. 

Why would you want to willingly be unhappy as you are right now? 

It's not worth it. She's not worth it.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Does being a widow for two year seem kind of soon to be sleeping with several men? Am I just being prudish?


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Wow OP. You are having all those doubts and you have barely started dating her. You should be in that lovely happy zone when you meet someone you click with. 

Instead you are wondering if she would have an EA/PA in the future. 

If you continue to see her you may get attached. Sounds like deep down you want to be with her. I wouldn't personally. Why jump into the fire. 

*I don't like the sound of her at all. 
*
My advice? Run as fast as you can and find a lady who shares your values as someone said.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Theseus said:


> What if she was bisexual? Then she couldn't have any friends at all?
> 
> 
> 
> If it makes you feel any better, the life of an "orbiter" is the worst place on Earth. They've been "friendzoned" and live in the constant hope of something they will never have.


I LOL'ed at the first comment.. 

I read up on the beta orbiters stuff and it all says to ignore it or use them or situations with them in such a fashion that they will leave.. 

E.G. public display of emotions with the GF in front of them to upset them. Request them to get you a drink in front of the GF.. 

This was just too much nonsense for me.. I just cut to the chase when it came to this.. 

But having friends that you had sex with.. I don't know to be honest.. Sitting across the table with your woman and hanging out with a guy that is her "Friend" that she fvcked ? Just too odd for me.. In my head, I would be thinking this guy other guy is thinking "Yea I fvcked her before you." 

Again I'm just honestly not that mature yet at 46.. Hopefully one day.


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