# I'm thinking about having an affair?



## waytoodeep

I'm new to this forum and would like some feedback about my intentions. I have been thinking about it for a while (last 3 months or so ) an am thinking about having an affair. I do not want a sexual relationship but an intimate, fun, spontaneous relationship. 

I have been married for over 20 years and our relationship is stuck in a rut. I have tried making things exciting, organising nights out, suggesting fun things to do but I am told "I'm too tired." "Do we have to?" "not on a school night". 

I feel I am suppressing my needs and over compensating for the sake of peace. We both work full-time and have children together. Am I being selfish? Would a non-sexual encounter which involves spontaneity be so wrong?


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## InlandTXMM

Selfish doesn't even begin to describe it. And YES, IT IS WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.

Go over to the CWI forum and read about the damage, broken families, financial devastation and wrecked lives infidelity causes. In real time.

Anybody who could even consider it after seeing some of the wreckage is beneath contempt.


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## Mavash.

Yes it's wrong.

If you want another man tell your husband you want a divorce first otherwise get some girlfriends to hang out with.


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## Toffer

This emotional connection you want will more than likely lead to a physical connection too and before you know it, you'll be in a full blown physical affair.

Talk to your spouse and tell them your losing your connection to him and suggest either counseling or more participation on his part


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## Ostera

Why would you post this in the LTSM section????

This should be listed under:

How I Plan on Destroying 20yrs of Marriage.


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## InlandTXMM

There are honorable options before you decide to hop into someone else's bed for a tingle between the legs.
There is marriage counseling.
There is date night.
There are sex toys.
There is divorce.

There are also those pesky things called VOWS. And children, who need their parents and the stability of a home life.

And drop the plausible deniability of wanting "just a friend". It's the same thing as the "I only went with him for coffee, then he wanted to show me his XXXXX at the apartment." Women know full well they go for sex but they play this game so that they can then use the "one thing led to another" defense.

You want an affair. A full-on sexual and romantic affair. Otherwise, you'd do this stuff with a bunch of your same-sex friends.


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## InlandTXMM

I'm sorry, the question enrages me.

Are you seriously willing to rip your family into pieces, watch your kids' lives shatter, divide up everything you've worked together to build, destroy your savings... everything? Just for the sensation of a stranger's genitals on your crotch?


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## canttrustu

Consider what you are about to do to your spouse-


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/69794-who-you-become-after-being-bs.html


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## canttrustu

waytoodeep said:


> I'm new to this forum and would like some feedback about my intentions. I have been thinking about it for a while (last 3 months or so ) an am thinking about having an affair. I do not want a sexual relationship but an intimate, fun, spontaneous relationship.
> 
> I have been married for over 20 years and our relationship is stuck in a rut. I have tried making things exciting, organising nights out, suggesting fun things to do but I am told "I'm too tired." "Do we have to?" "not on a school night".
> 
> I feel I am suppressing my needs and over compensating for the sake of peace. We both work full-time and have children together. *Am I being selfish? Would a non-sexual encounter which involves spontaneity be so wrong?[/*QUOTE]
> 
> Short answer- YES
> 
> Long answer- You PROMISED your fidelity. You promised your love. You promised your friendshiep. For BETTER and for WORSE. IF this is the "worse" then get busy and do the work to find the "better" again. Get into MC. Better yet sit your H down and tell him youre gonna have an affair- that should get the conversation started.....Because believe me that is exactly the road youre on. You say NON sexual but it wont stay that way. not for long. Then you can explain to your children why mommy and daddy dont live together anymore....


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## waytoodeep

Thanks for your replies. I am not thinking about hopping into anyone's bed. I know what is at stake here. Sex is not an issue at all. Intimacy is the issue. They are not the same thing. Affection is lacking at times. Excitement and drive are virtually non-existent. Maybe marriage counselling is the next step - if he will agree! For me, what I need cannot be sought from girlfriends!


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## InlandTXMM

Now is the time to risk your marriage by being totally honest about how close you are to wrecking it. 

If he has an ounce of sanity, he will wake up.

I am married 20 years this year. Our close encounter was in year 19. Same kind of thing - long work hours, the kids are always demanding, we started taking each other for granted.

Date nights really helped. Changing up the sex a bit. Getting her some new outfits to try. TALKING AND SHARING your feelings. Making each other a priority again.

You stopped feeling in love because you stopped doing the things you did while you were feeling all lovey. It really is that simple. 

Don't think it will come roaring back overnight. But bit by bit, it does come back.

Tell me honestly, do you feel like you've lost your sexual attraction to him? Have either of you gained a lot of weight? Did you recently receive a promotion at work? Who makes more money? This is actually important because I believe your problem is your husband has become far too Beta, and THAT CAN BE FIXED!!


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## tacoma

waytoodeep said:


> ...Sex is not an issue at all. Intimacy is the issue..... what I need cannot be sought from girlfriends!


Intimacy between two adults of different genders almost always leads to sexual intimacy.

You'd be starting an EA and before you know it you're full on PA.

You can't not know this.


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## canttrustu

waytoodeep said:


> Thanks for your replies. I am not thinking about hopping into anyone's bed. I know what is at stake here. Sex is not an issue at all. Intimacy is the issue. They are not the same thing. Affection is lacking at times. Excitement and drive are virtually non-existent. Maybe marriage counselling is the next step - if he will agree! For me, what I need cannot be sought from girlfriends!


So-= you think some man is going to meet your emotional needs w/o wanting sex???? Really???? And even THAT IS AN AFFAIR! its called an emotional affair(EA) and its devastating. 

I implore you- please go to MC. DO NOT do this. You will crush your H. Be a woman and tell him whats on your mind. If your woman enough to do the deed youre woman enough to own it to your H. So tell him what youre planning to do. He will either divorce you or step up his game. Im betting on the latter. And he'll be grateful the opportunity not afforded to most of us here- the opportunity to avert the most painful experience of our lives.


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## InlandTXMM

Waytoodeep, I hit you hard in my responses only to help snap you back to reality. The illusion of an affair is two-fold:

1) You can keep it under control.
2) You can minimize the hurt it may cause.

You cannot keep it secret. It WILL come out. And adults do not get into affairs to hold hands and go to movies. I think you know that if I as a man were willing to be your affair partner, I would NOT be content with holding hands at the bookstore. Instead, you would be doing all kinds of kinky things, every chance I got.

The good news is, YOU CAN FIX YOUR MARRIAGE. Thank the Maker you thought to ask before you just leaped into the obilvion of infidelity.


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## InlandTXMM

tacoma said:


> Intimacy between two adults of different genders almost always leads to sexual intimacy.
> 
> You'd be starting an EA and before you know it you're full on PA.
> 
> You can't not know this.


OF course she knows it. It's the "one thing led to another" defense.


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## canttrustu

Question and be honest- Do you already have HIM picked out????
In my experience women dont decide to have an affair. they first become attracted to someone else.....


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## soulpotato

waytoodeep said:


> I'm new to this forum and would like some feedback about my intentions. I have been thinking about it for a while (last 3 months or so ) an am thinking about having an affair. I do not want a sexual relationship but an intimate, fun, spontaneous relationship.
> 
> I have been married for over 20 years and our relationship is stuck in a rut. I have tried making things exciting, organising nights out, suggesting fun things to do but I am told "I'm too tired." "Do we have to?" "not on a school night".
> 
> I feel I am suppressing my needs and over compensating for the sake of peace. We both work full-time and have children together. Am I being selfish? Would a non-sexual encounter which involves spontaneity be so wrong?


YES, IT'S WRONG. No, don't do it!! Seriously talk to your spouse about the state of the marriage, try MC, anything! Just NOTHING that would lead to any kind of affair! Even if you say "non-sexual/non-physical", it's still wrong and hurtful! Don't go there! I had EAs, and I wish I could go back and erase them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## InlandTXMM

Threetimesalady said:


> waytMen grow old unless you keep them young...I know as I am married to one of these wonderful creatures...Caroline


Caroline, I like you! That was a great thing to say. It's true. Men tend to get comfortable. Women tend to get bored. Sometimes we DO need a kick in our backsides (or just a surprise at the door with you in a nighty) to remind us.


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## waytoodeep

Hmm, this is a great forum. I appreciate your replies. We have always trusted each other and honestly, that is the one thing I know I don't want to break. In my heart I know it is a selfish thought and I feel as I though I am betraying him already. 
I don't understand what EA and PA are or even Beta - sorry! 
You have given me much food for thought and I welcome your points. Thanks.


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## InlandTXMM

EA= emotional affair
PA = Physical affair

Both are DEADLY.


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## InlandTXMM

There are traits in men that women need, but they differ. It's a good man who can walk a balancing act between the two:

1) ALPHA qualities trigger your sexual response. These are traits like confidence, humor, physical fitness, a bit of "bad boy", spontaniety.

2) BETA traits are what help you bond to him for a long term relationship. This is nurturing, helping around the house, good with kids, etc. 

When a man gets too cozy, he usually goes too Beta. So the wife can love him but she loses her sexual interest in him. Thus, you get the "I love you but not IN love with you" speech.

When a man is too Alpha, he is exciting but too unpredictable for the woman to risk a LTR with. Usually in an affair, the woman is wanting to find THIS again.

So a man has to be both.


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## Wiserforit

waytoodeep said:


> You have given me much food for thought and I welcome your points. Thanks.


People get pretty hot because they have had it happen to them. 

I realize you are asking questions, not laying plans. It sounds like your man is not listening. It's easy to keep ignoring the wife so long as she does not exact consequences. Ignoring you is working.

So the wake-up call has to be something serious like telling him that this has gotten so bad you either want counseling or separation. Draw the line, in the clearest terms possible. Set deadlines. 

A lot of people here recommend the book called the Five Love Languages.


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## Cosmos

The decision is yours, OP, but I doubt that anyone here will support you in pursuing an affair. Whether it's sexual or not, an intimate relationship with a member of the opposite sex IS an affair.

Think carefully... Perhaps consider MC....


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## JustSomeGuyWho

I will say this with ironclad certainty. If you explore an intimate relationship with a man, it does not matter how adamant you are now that you will not have sex with him, given enough time you will change your mind. Not only that but in order to have the affair you describe, you will go to great lengths to lie and deceive your husband and your family. You will then have crushed your husband, torn your childrens' world apart and destroyed the life you have built together. Doesn't sound like a positive life experience, does it? All because you are in a rut and bored. If you don't think it is all that bad then go for it. We'll see your husband in here in about 6 months dealing with the betrayal.

You need to focus on positive ways to rejuvinate your life and your marriage.


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## InlandTXMM

Waytoodeep, I'm curious your thinking after a day of having us pound on you. Where are you mentally this morning?

Please, do your family a favor and read 5 threads of your choice in the Coping With Infidelity forum. One by AnnieAsh (it's epically long) is similar to yours. Even an EA nearly destroyed her marriage, and it's still in a rocky place.


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## waiwera

OP - How about taking all the time and energy that the affair would use up and putting THAT much time and energy into your marriage.

Affairs.. both EA's and PA's involves so much lying and secret keeping and time and energy spent on someone who do not deserve it. Surely your H and your marriage are more deserving of your time and energy?

EA's destroy just as many marriages as PA's it would seem. Don't underestimate how damaging to your marriage an EA would be.

Does your hubby understand how desperate your feeling? Does he realize what your considering? 

I do hope you do the right thing here... for both your sakes.


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## JustSomeGuyWho

OP hasn't logged in since yesterday afternoon when she posted her final reply. She's heard enough to know she didn't want to hear any more.


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## Machiavelli

waytoodeep said:


> Hmm, this is a great forum. I appreciate your replies. We have always trusted each other and honestly, that is the one thing I know I don't want to break. In my heart I know it is a selfish thought and I feel as I though I am betraying him already.
> I don't understand what EA and PA are or even Beta - sorry!
> You have given me much food for thought and I welcome your points. Thanks.


Get your husband a copy of Married Man Sex Life Primer. Tell him to read it and implement it or else.


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## Entropy3000

waytoodeep said:


> I'm new to this forum and would like some feedback about my intentions. I have been thinking about it for a while (last 3 months or so ) an am thinking about having an affair. I do not want a sexual relationship but an intimate, fun, spontaneous relationship.
> 
> I have been married for over 20 years and our relationship is stuck in a rut. I have tried making things exciting, organising nights out, suggesting fun things to do but I am told "I'm too tired." "Do we have to?" "not on a school night".
> 
> I feel I am suppressing my needs and over compensating for the sake of peace. We both work full-time and have children together. Am I being selfish? Would a non-sexual encounter which involves spontaneity be so wrong?


Sexual or not it is still cheating. But I think this expectation is more than naive.

If you want an affair, figure out how to do this with your spouse. If you cannot make your marriage work then indeed divorce and then find someone else. Do not cheat.


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## Entropy3000

waytoodeep said:


> Thanks for your replies. I am not thinking about hopping into anyone's bed. I know what is at stake here. Sex is not an issue at all. Intimacy is the issue. They are not the same thing. Affection is lacking at times. Excitement and drive are virtually non-existent. Maybe marriage counselling is the next step - if he will agree! For me, what I need cannot be sought from girlfriends!


Boundaries in marriage are just not PIV sex.

Actually intimacy and sex co-exist just fine together.

You are talking about intimacy outside of marriage.

This is cheating. BTW EAs are cheating. And folks go into these expecting not to cheat.


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## Holland

Either fix your marriage or end it. An affair is a cowards act and will ruin the rest of your life especially when your children find out.

Get a backbone.


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## Madman1

Imagine looking into your husbands eyes and seeing there the most pain and hurt you can imagine and realize that you put it there. Imaging those eyes looking back and he does not recognize the woman you have become, he misses the woman you were but he will NEVER see her again.

Now every time you leave the house he wonders, "are you meeting someone" Will someone meet you. Every text you send every "trip" to the store, every coffee with the girls will leave him doubting and hurting.

This will be where 20 years and one emotional affair will have brought you.

It will never be the same after that.


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## Gabriel

canttrustu said:


> Question and be honest- Do you already have HIM picked out????
> In my experience women dont decide to have an affair. they first become attracted to someone else.....


I can almost guarantee she has at least one candidate. 

Waytoodeep, you are not being honest with us, or yourself. Hopefully, this fine group has scared you out of this idea well enough. Go to the Coping with Infidelity forum. I would wager that almost half of the devastating affairs (including my wife's) were only emotional in nature. It changes those of us whose spouses have done this to us, turns us into hyper-vigilant maniacs who suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, lost sleep, nightmares, loss of self-worth, etc. And that's just the surface.

If you care about your husband at all, get this idea out of your head. Because he WILL find out. And it will KILL him.

To solve your problem, TALK to your husband. Make it a very serious discussion. Tell him you have considered stepping out of the marriage to fill your needs, and that without major changes on his part, you'll need to divorce and move on.


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## canttrustu

Gabriel said:


> I can almost guarantee she has at least one candidate.
> 
> Waytoodeep, you are not being honest with us, or yourself. Hopefully, this fine group has scared you out of this idea well enough. Go to the Coping with Infidelity forum. I would wager that almost half of the devastating affairs (including my wife's) were only emotional in nature. It changes those of us whose spouses have done this to us, turns us into hyper-vigilant maniacs who suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, lost sleep, nightmares, loss of self-worth, etc. And that's just the surface.
> perfect post except for the word "only". I would rather have had my H have a ONS than to give away his time, emotion and efforts that all were promised to me and me alone. I know thats what you mean too Gabriel. All Gabriel says about how this will effect your H is true.And lets not forget how it effects the way he sees YOU afterward. You will never again hold the same place in his heart and mind as you did the minute before he learned that you cheated on him. At that moment, the YOU he knows now- is dead forever. Is it worth it to you to have him look thru you instead of at you? To have him question EVERYTHING he's ever known about you? THAT is how infidelity-even 'just' emotional infidelity effects your spouse. Its a long way back- if ever.
> 
> If you care about your husband at all, get this idea out of your head. Because he WILL find out. *And it will KILL him*.This is not an overstatement. It will indeed kill the man you know. He will never be the same man you fell in love with once you prove yourself to NOT be who he thinks you are.
> 
> To solve your problem, TALK to your husband. Make it a very serious discussion. Tell him you have considered stepping out of the marriage to fill your needs, and that without major changes on his part, you'll need to divorce and move on.


:iagree:


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## Gabriel

The hardest part for me was losing the exclusivity of her. Even more specifically, was that her and the OM (other man) had secrets, a life I wasn't allowed to see. Like they had something on me. I still have nightmares about this, where I see them pointing and laughing, and "knowing", and I'm left in the dark. 

The. Worst.


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## canttrustu

Gabriel said:


> The hardest part for me was losing the exclusivity of her. Even more specifically, was that her and the OM (other man) had secrets, a life I wasn't allowed to see. Like they had something on me. I still have nightmares about this, where I see them pointing and laughing, and "knowing", and I'm left in the dark.
> 
> The. Worst.


Walls and windows huh? Hate that. The idea that he knew what he was doing for a damned year, came home looked me in the eye like nothing was wrong, makes me want to vomit. I love him but I used to think he was 'special' and different from other guys- yeah, he has very adeptly shown me otherwise. I will never again look at him all starry eyed. He lost an awful lot while chasing an illusion. Not sure he realizes just how much. I dsont feel special to him the way I once did- I miss the hell out of that.

OP- dont let this be you. if you do this, consider what you've just read to be a visit from the 'ghost of Christmas future' for you.


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## MattMatt

waytoodeep said:


> I'm new to this forum and would like some feedback about my intentions. I have been thinking about it for a while (last 3 months or so ) an am thinking about having an affair. I do not want a sexual relationship but an intimate, fun, spontaneous relationship.
> 
> I have been married for over 20 years and our relationship is stuck in a rut. I have tried making things exciting, organising nights out, suggesting fun things to do but I am told "I'm too tired." "Do we have to?" "not on a school night".
> 
> I feel I am suppressing my needs and over compensating for the sake of peace. We both work full-time and have children together. *Am I being selfish*? *Would a non-sexual encounter which involves spontaneity be so wrong?*


*YES!*

Oh, by the way, when you have a "non-sexual encounter" but somehow, inexplicably end up in the bed of someone other than your spouse, you will think about this, won't you?:scratchhead:


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## MattMatt

Madman1 said:


> Imagine looking into your husbands eyes and seeing there the most pain and hurt you can imagine and realize that you put it there. Imaging those eyes looking back and he does not recognize the woman you have become, he misses the woman you were but he will NEVER see her again.
> 
> Now every time you leave the house he wonders, "are you meeting someone" Will someone meet you. Every text you send every "trip" to the store, every coffee with the girls will leave him doubting and hurting.
> 
> This will be where 20 years and one emotional affair will have brought you.
> 
> It will never be the same after that.


Ouch. Oh, f**k! That triggered me!


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## Madman1

Sorry dude just wanted to trigger her heart before it becomes like stone!


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## runningscared

I have traveled down the road of "connecting non physically" with someone other then my husband and would given half a chance take it all back in a second. when he found out and i said "but we never even met face to face" his response was had a just gone and screwed a stranger it would have been easier to forgive. its a slippery slope and one you may not be able to climb back up.


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## southernsurf

My comment is grow up and start preparing for the lonely life after he divorces you. Very selfish and selfcentered.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt

Madman1 said:


> Sorry dude just wanted to trigger her heart before it becomes like stone!


No problem! It just reminded me that when your one and only love has an affair the one thing that never fully comes back is the 100% trust...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc

Waytoodeep, the emotional encounter you seek isn't necessarily what the other man will be seeking. Once he has your emotions, he will have your body. After thousands of posts here on TAM, I've learned that's the way it works.

Read this thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/66063-before-you-decide-leave-read-my-story.html


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## Ignis

It is so easy to find out whether it is right or wrong...how would you feel, if your husband would consider such option? Why would you feel that way?

I really think this is not constructive solution. Marriage is about finding compromises, talking, overcoming the obstacles,not running away and escaping.

I am sure you both are busy, but you definitely have to find some quality time to discuss about feelings and thoughts of each other.


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## Headspin

Ignis said:


> It is so easy to find out whether it is right or wrong...how would you feel, if your husband would consider such option? Why would you feel that way?
> 
> I really think this is not constructive solution. Marriage is about finding compromises, talking, overcoming the obstacles,not running away and escaping.
> 
> I am sure you both are busy, but you definitely have to find some quality time to discuss about feelings and thoughts of each other.


Good you put that in before I did 

It's a simple one really. Hey waytoodeep just watch and learn from this :-

On Monday your husband starts acting a little odd. He starts dressing a bit 'better' few extra splashes of after shave. You think "Oh that's quite nice"

Later a call from him saying he'll be a later than usual "something held me up" 

Nothing to you

mmm.. he never ever bothered with that mobile phone before but , good to see him 'getting with new technology' and all that

Oh where he is now he said he'd only nipped to the supermarket for a couple of things - he's been gone over an hour and a half

" Hi babe yeah I just bumped into Dave an old friend from football had a catch up chat." 
Oh great 

Oh that's a different after shave! now he's really trying to make an effort with me now and last nights sex was pretty amazing -have I got a new man on my hands ! Wow this is cool.

Late home again from the office, this is getting a bit bloody annoying, seems to be regular now and that light on his phone never fking stops and he never seems to leave it alone

Hang on he's taking the phone even to the toilet now !
And actually Dave left our area a year ago to move to a new job 
and who the fk is Angela he keeps mentioning how well they work together

*WTF is going on here! *

waytoodeep you still here - you getting this yet.


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## MattMatt

Any update, Waytoodeep?


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## FLGator

Please don't. You would be surprised at what an honest conversation can do. Please use this gift you have right now of not having already done it, spare this place one more person, and be that person who picked the right way. Who tried. Who tried to communicate what your spouse could not read out of your mind. This is a great opportunity to add 20 more years, not to add " my wife after 20 years....." To a post I will read.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## believing in hope

Dear Way too Deep,

Please, please do not do this. Take your courage and walk right up to your partner and tell them you are thinking of having an affair, see if "too tired" is the answer then. Tell this person you chose a life with that you need more, and that they need to step it up and find a way to give you more, give you what you need. You have the right to this.

I am a devistated WWS, if only i could turn back time and put all of my energy and resentment inwards to my spouse in a constructive way... I did not need to do what I did to try and up the excitement factor in my life. Do your research, make an educated decision here, I wish I had. I am lucky and blessed enough to have a partner who loves me and sees me as more than I ever have seen of myself, he is trying to move past it. 
Please read about the life long devistation this will cause your spouse. It is the absolute worst thing you can EVER do to your life partner. 

I wish you luck.


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## JustSomeGuyWho

OP has not been back in 10 days ... not even to view these responses. I think we've lost her. Hope she does the right thing.


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## SepticChange

Oy. I've thought the same thing at one point. Luckily I have a heavy conscience and I got rid of those thoughts, fast. Won't solve anything besides feeling good for a few weeks.


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