# My partner and another man



## Tresfatigue (May 25, 2018)

A v quick question. My girlfriend is 28. I am 29. What would you think if you knew your GF was regularly having v long chats (2-3 hours) with an 11 years older married co worker (himself with teenage daughters) in a range of locales from cafes around work to restaurants at lunchtime to the local canal in a park? Particularly curious to know if it is normal in any work environment for co workers of this gender and age description to be lying on the grassy hill on the banks of a canal for inspirational conversations? For over couple of hours multiple times? Seeing her WhatsApp (sorry) it seems he has been helping her blossom and come out of her shell, enabling her to find her feet and be her true confident self etc. What on earth is this? It is not sexual but something feels profoundly incorrect to me. I feel like I’m going mad.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

No, it's not normal at all, and I'm sorry that you're here and dealing with this. Have you asked her about what's going on?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Mentors can be good but this is probably off and not entirely above board.

I'm too territorial to ever put up with what you are going through.

Have talked to her about it?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Tres,

Gather up all the communications you can, save them in a secure place, and when the time comes present them to the mans wife.

His intent it to have an affair with your GF, if indeed it hasn't happened already. I think it is already an emotional affair at least on his part.

Has your GF said to you something like "I love you but am not in love with your"?

Tamat


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Tresfatigue said:


> A v quick question. My girlfriend is 28. I am 29. What would you think if you knew your GF was regularly having v long chats (2-3 hours) with an 11 years older married co worker (himself with teenage daughters) in a range of locales from cafes around work to restaurants at lunchtime to the local canal in a park? Particularly curious to know if it is normal in any work environment for co workers of this gender and age description to be lying on the grassy hill on the banks of a canal for inspirational conversations? For over couple of hours multiple times? Seeing her WhatsApp (sorry) it seems he has been helping her blossom and come out of her shell, enabling her to find her feet and be her true confident self etc. What on earth is this? It is not sexual but something feels profoundly incorrect to me. I feel like I’m going mad.


*Oh, Yeah, he's trying, or may well have succeeded at getting something of hers out of its shell, alright!

It sounds beyond prurient, to me!*


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Tresfatigue said:


> A v quick question. My girlfriend is 28. I am 29. What would you think if you knew your GF was regularly having v long chats (2-3 hours) with an 11 years older married co worker (himself with teenage daughters) in a range of locales from cafes around work to restaurants at lunchtime to the local canal in a park? Particularly curious to know if it is normal in any work environment for co workers of this gender and age description to be lying on the grassy hill on the banks of a canal for inspirational conversations? For over couple of hours multiple times? Seeing her WhatsApp (sorry) it seems he has been helping her blossom and come out of her shell, enabling her to find her feet and be her true confident self etc. What on earth is this? It is not sexual but something feels profoundly incorrect to me. I feel like I’m going mad.


I’d think it’d be time for her to no longer be my girlfriend.

I’d also think his wife might like to know what’s going on.

(No, it’s not normal.

And even if it’s not sexual now it soon will be.)


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

You are right, it is profoundly incorrect. Opposite sex friendships are ok within boundaries. Their friendship sounds like it has crossed most of those and only has one more to cross. Assuming they haven’t already.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

That's your gut instinct talking. 

Why are you apologizing for looking at her Whatsapp?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your girlfriend has a bf and it’s not you.

Dump her.

Move on


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Trust your gut feeling. I just dumped my ex-bf for having a "friendship" with a married woman. If something feels off in this so-called friendship or mentorship, then it is wrong. Looks like their relationship is blossoming into something deeper while you are kept out of the picture. This is not normal. 

My now ex had a female friend that he knew for a long time before meeting me. She has been married for a year to "the love of her life." She would hang out for long hours with my now ex-bf. I was not comfortable with this friendship, even though they both assured me that they are like brother and sister. Turns out this woman was having an affair with my ex. 

My only regret? I wish I trusted my gut feeling the day I met this woman--I got a bad vibe from her--and dumped my bf that day. It took me four months after meeting her and a thread in TAM to dump him. Boy I'm so glad I did. 

Ask to meet this guy and observe the interaction between him and your gf. Their interaction in front of you might reveal the nature of their relationship.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Tresfatigue said:


> Particularly curious to know if it is normal in any work environment for co workers of this gender and age description to be lying on the grassy hill on the banks of a canal for inspirational conversations? ... it seems he has been helping her blossom and come out of her shell, ... It is not sexual but something feels profoundly incorrect to me. I feel like I’m going mad.


Seriously??????

How do you know it's not "sexual"?

And, yeah, I just bet he's helping her "blossom."

Save your sanity. Don't go mad. She's screwing the guy.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your girlfriend has no boundaries and no sense of propriety. At her age, she really should know better. He is going to mentor her right into bed.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Tresfatigue said:


> For over couple of hours multiple times? Seeing her WhatsApp (sorry) it seems he has been helping her blossom and come out of her shell, enabling her to find her feet and be her true confident self etc. What on earth is this?


 In answer to your question "What on earth is this?", it is called dating. As an FYI, most dates do not involve sex, but are done to create the opportunity to emotionally bond with a person of the opposite sex. For the wife of the married other man (OM), if you assume that it has not gone physical, it would be called an emotional affair (EA), and an EA is cheating.

If you read threads in the Infidelity section of this site, you will see that the fact that you have let this happen while standing on the sideline says as much about you as your girlfriend. That being said, you're still young and there is no better time than today to change that about yourself.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Tresfatigue said:


> A v quick question. My girlfriend is 28. I am 29. What would you think if you knew your GF was regularly having v long chats (2-3 hours) with an 11 years older married co worker (himself with teenage daughters) in a range of locales from cafes around work to restaurants at lunchtime to the local canal in a park? Particularly curious to know if it is normal in any work environment for co workers of this gender and age description to be lying on the grassy hill on the banks of a canal for inspirational conversations? For over couple of hours multiple times? Seeing her WhatsApp (sorry) it seems he has been helping her blossom and come out of her shell, enabling her to find her feet and be her true confident self etc. What on earth is this? It is not sexual but something feels profoundly incorrect to me. I feel like I’m going mad.


1. Pack bags as if you are going on a weekend getaway. She will be thrilled. 

2. Stop at the coworker’s house and take her bags from the car. 

3. Knock on the door and wait for an answer. 

4. When her coworker answers the door tell him she is all his. That sense he spent so much time helping her to come out of her shell then he can keep her. 

5. Get back in your car without your ex gf and get away for the weekend. 

6 let your ex the OM and the OM’s wife figure it out.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I'm one of the guys here who has no problem with my wife having dinner or drinks alone with male coworkers or guy friends, it has never bothered me, I've never felt threatened or concerned in any way, but this seems a bit more that that as you have described it. I think you need to have a serious chat of your own with her about what is going on here. The age difference would seem to indicate a possible mentor kind of relationship but the way you have described the content of the interactions doesn't sit well with me.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

We would be having talks about what she thinks marriage is and if we have a different idea about that. 

I would be giving her the book "Not just friends" and would be sitting down with her and reading SurvivingInfideltiy.com Just found out section. I would probably drive her to some far out place where she would be forced to hear me read a bunch of posts. 

If that didn't do it I would be telling her this was not the deal I signed up for.

Oh and if she was a girlfriend there would be a good chance that this would be a strong enough red flag as to show me we were not compatible and I would probably dump her kindly and move on. Her boundaries are just want I would want. I have no problem with mentors. But hours of time off work has nothing to do with being a mentor.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

happyhusband0005 said:


> I'm one of the guys here who has no problem with my wife having dinner or drinks alone with male coworkers or guy friends, it has never bothered me, I've never felt threatened or concerned in any way, but this seems a bit more that that as you have described it. I think you need to have a serious chat of your own with her about what is going on here. The age difference would seem to indicate a possible mentor kind of relationship but the way you have described the content of the interactions doesn't sit well with me.


Like on a trip with a bunch of people or during an ordinary week? If they are alone what you describe is a typical date. I wonder how long this strategy will work for you. My question would be why would my wife not have a problem with that. Like there is no way I as a married man would be cool going to dinner and drinks by myself with a female coworker. I respect my wife, my marriage and myself too much for that, just he appearances would be embarrassing to me. My wife doesn't need to hear questions about why I am sitting having a cocktail with someone who is not my wife. My job is to protect her from that.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Like on a trip with a bunch of people or during an ordinary week? If they are alone what you describe is a typical date. I wonder how long this strategy will work for you. My question would be why would my wife not have a problem with that. Like there is no way I as a married man would be cool going to dinner and drinks by myself with a female coworker. I respect my wife, my marriage and myself too much for that, just he appearances would be embarrassing to me. My wife doesn't need to hear questions about why I am sitting having a cocktail with someone who is not my wife. My job is to protect her from that.


Both, in groups and one on one. It has been working for about 20 years and it's not a strategy, it's the real world. She is a very high level sales executive and consultant. It's kind of part of the job to have working lunches and dinners with coworkers and clients. It's highly regular for two men to go to a business lunch it happens all the time. To put forth an attitude that a female executive should not be allowed to do the same is backwards in highly sexist. Now I get the older generation seeing this as out of the norm but they're also not use to female's being the boss in business. As for my view on it, I have absolutely, positively zero concern that my wife would ever act inappropriately in these situations. I have no doubt she would never risk our marriage for someone else. I do respect the stance that people feel awkward about being seen in that situation but for people in our position it's kind of unavoidable. And she has no problem when I have to go to a work lunch with women one on one, it's just business. 

I guess the only question I have is what are you protecting her from? Do you mean the embarrassment of her husband being seen with another woman? I can understand that, but in our community everyone is a very high level professional so it's pretty normal. For example, I develop commercial real estate, I have a regular lunch with the regional director of real estate for a major fast food tenant. She happens to be female. We meet for lunch and go over different things, whats going on with her company as far as plans for the region, what cities or towns she needs to get a store located in, etc. Now am I supposed to say, "sorry dame I can't grab lunch with you it won't look right." Of course not. When my wife goes to a conference, where everyone's schedules are crazy and the only time she can touch base with a key client is a quick drink after the dinner gala, is she supposed to say "sorry sir, we can't touch base tonight, we might fall in love". Again of course not. 

Again I can see that some people see having dinner or drinks with the opposite sex as awkward or leading to something else, but that is old world thinking that doesn't see the fact that in business today men and women are equals doing the same jobs in the same way, and if two men can go out for a business dinner or just to keep each other company on a business trip a female coworker should be able to do the same. Are there guys out there who have hit on my wife, of course she's a very sexy woman, when they do she just kind of laughs at them. It doesn't happen often as most men who work with her are subordinates, and most clients are too intimidated by her to even consider it. 

I have no problem with you feeling it is awkward and outside what you are use to as the norm but in 2018 with an Ivy League educated lady it's pretty typical. 

In in commercial real estate for me forget it. It would be highly unusual for me to tell a female corporate RE executive I can't get that drink or take that lunch. I'm the developer it's what I do relationships are everything. Frankly it's my job to make them love me, if I make them feel like their husbands are inadequate oh well not my problem. 

FYI the last part of that last sentence was a joke. Sort of


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Both, in groups and one on one. It has been working for about 20 years and it's not a strategy, it's the real world. She is a very high level sales executive and consultant. It's kind of part of the job to have working lunches and dinners with coworkers and clients. It's highly regular for two men to go to a business lunch it happens all the time. To put forth an attitude that a female executive should not be allowed to do the same is backwards in highly sexist. Now I get the older generation seeing this as out of the norm but they're also not use to female's being the boss in business. As for my view on it, I have absolutely, positively zero concern that my wife would ever act inappropriately in these situations. I have no doubt she would never risk our marriage for someone else. I do respect the stance that people feel awkward about being seen in that situation but for people in our position it's kind of unavoidable. And she has no problem when I have to go to a work lunch with women one on one, it's just business.
> 
> I guess the only question I have is what are you protecting her from? Do you mean the embarrassment of her husband being seen with another woman? I can understand that, but in our community everyone is a very high level professional so it's pretty normal. For example, I develop commercial real estate, I have a regular lunch with the regional director of real estate for a major fast food tenant. She happens to be female. We meet for lunch and go over different things, whats going on with her company as far as plans for the region, what cities or towns she needs to get a store located in, etc. Now am I supposed to say, "sorry dame I can't grab lunch with you it won't look right." Of course not. When my wife goes to a conference, where everyone's schedules are crazy and the only time she can touch base with a key client is a quick drink after the dinner gala, is she supposed to say "sorry sir, we can't touch base tonight, we might fall in love". Again of course not.
> 
> ...


I get it. Hopefully you wont' have to change you name here at some point.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Guys, would you please stop ***** footing around this. 

OP, You "partner" is having an affair with her married coworker. 

Everyone her knows is but they think it is rude to just come out and say it. 

What do you need to know besides that. Kick her out of the house and find a new one...


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## Tresfatigue (May 25, 2018)

Thank you for all these replies. It is clear from their communication that he provides her support (for successes failures stress dreams aspirations) and goes massively out of his way to help her. One instance is - she made a massive faux pas in her lab where basically she messed up her experiment. This meant she needed to set it going again. He came in on his day off lab (he is off-sit visiting other labs on Tuesdays) to just stand with her all day in the lab to help her re-do it. Small example. Many many long walks by canal, canal side chats lying beside each other, masses of admiration and gratitude from her expressed to him and him offering advice support Letting her get things off her chest. Turns out also he has written about his struggles with something about his wife and she has written about something I did she didn’t like. In both cases each was super sympathetic to the other.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Tresfatigue said:


> Thank you for all these replies. It is clear from their communication that he provides her support (for successes failures stress dreams aspirations) and goes massively out of his way to help her. One instance is - she made a massive faux pas in her lab where basically she messed up her experiment. This meant she needed to set it going again. He came in on his day off lab (he is off-sit visiting other labs on Tuesdays) to just stand with her all day in the lab to help her re-do it. Small example. Many many long walks by canal, canal side chats lying beside each other, masses of admiration and gratitude from her expressed to him and him offering advice support Letting her get things off her chest. Turns out also he has written about his struggles with something about his wife and she has written about something I did she didn’t like. In both cases each was super sympathetic to the other.


At any point were lines crossed physically? or were words expressed that would denote feelings of desire and want for the other? does she have daddy issues?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

If it walks like a monkey then it has wild sex like a monkey! 

The chances they aren't banging are very slim.

Time to talk to this guys wife! 

Maybe you and the wife can show up when they are lounging by the canal chatting


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Tresfatigue said:


> Thank you for all these replies. It is clear from their communication that he provides her support (for successes failures stress dreams aspirations) and goes massively out of his way to help her. One instance is - she made a massive faux pas in her lab where basically she messed up her experiment. This meant she needed to set it going again. He came in on his day off lab (he is off-sit visiting other labs on Tuesdays) to just stand with her all day in the lab to help her re-do it. Small example. Many many long walks by canal, canal side chats lying beside each other, masses of admiration and gratitude from her expressed to him and him offering advice support Letting her get things off her chest. Turns out also he has written about his struggles with something about his wife and she has written about something I did she didn’t like. In both cases each was super sympathetic to the other.


Are you ****ing kidding me with this drivel? LISTEN, your wife is having an affair with her friend? 

Do you understand


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Tresfatigue said:


> Thank you for all these replies. It is clear from their communication that he provides her support (for successes failures stress dreams aspirations) and goes massively out of his way to help her. One instance is - she made a massive faux pas in her lab where basically she messed up her experiment. This meant she needed to set it going again. He came in on his day off lab (he is off-sit visiting other labs on Tuesdays) to just stand with her all day in the lab to help her re-do it. Small example. *Many many long walks by canal, canal side chats lying beside each other, masses of admiration and gratitude from her expressed to him and him offering advice support Letting her get things off her chest. Turns out also he has written about his struggles with something about his wife and she has written about something I did she didn’t like. In both cases each was super sympathetic to the other.*


**SIGH**

:slap:

Really?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

She is cheating. Doesn't sound physical yet but definitely an emotional affair and heading for a PA at a steady pace.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Tresfatigue said:


> Thank you for all these replies. It is clear from their communication that he provides her support (for successes failures stress dreams aspirations) and goes massively out of his way to help her. One instance is - she made a massive faux pas in her lab where basically she messed up her experiment. This meant she needed to set it going again. He came in on his day off lab (he is off-sit visiting other labs on Tuesdays) to just stand with her all day in the lab to help her re-do it. Small example. *Many many long walks by canal, canal side chats lying beside each other,* masses of admiration and gratitude from her expressed to him and him offering advice support Letting her get things off her chest. Turns out also he has written about his struggles with something about his wife and she has written about something I did she didn’t like. In both cases each was super sympathetic to the other.


I have had many chats with female friends who have helped me immensely but never while lying next to them.

Dude.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck it's not a zebra.

She's not relationship material so just cut her off and move on.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Is he married? Contact her and have a talk with her! That should end things quickly. And DO NOT tell your girlfriend you are going to reach out to the wife.

If you don’t put and end to this, it will DEFINITELY become physical very soon.

The choice is yours.

Good luck


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Tresfatigue said:


> Letting her get things off her chest. Turns out also he has written about his struggles with something about his wife and she has written about something I did she didn’t like. In both cases each was super sympathetic to the other.


OK, now that you have told us about your situation, what do you plan on doing about it.
Speak with your wife?
Contact his wife?
Contact their company?

What are your plans?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Tresfatigue said:


> Turns out also he has written about his struggles with something about his wife and she has written about something I did she didn’t like. In both cases each was super sympathetic to the other.


Them both sharing negative personal information about their partner is the biggest red flag that you can have. This is very inappropriate. By them being sympathetic to each other they are in effect saying that if you were mine I would never do that to you.

If you look at any of the many sites on how to steal another man's woman, the advice always given is to first be their friend and then use that friendship to let her vent about her man. One site titled “Taking Another Man's Woman: Part II”, says such things as “She has to perceive your intentions as being strictly innocent and friendly. Getting her to accept you as a friend is very important because later in the strategy, she will have to trust your opinion about her relationship. If she views your intentions as wanting to seduce her, she will not value your opinion.” This and other such sites tell you that no one is perfect so that no matter who her man is, there will be issues that they can exploit. For example, one site said "Cause/encourage the breakup. If you followed earlier steps, she should talk to you about the mistakes”, and continues with “If it's serious, let her know that what he does isn't right and she doesn't have to put up with it. Tell her you could never do that to her". Similarly, another site said "You want to make the girl you want to steal away feel like she can do a lot better than the guy she is currently with. How do you do this? It is quite easy. You want to wait for the perfect opportunity to get your jabs in.” This other man targeted your partner a lot longer than you think, and a lot longer than your partner even realizes.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Tresfatigue said:


> A v quick question. My girlfriend is 28. I am 29. What would you think if you knew your GF was regularly having v long chats (2-3 hours) with an 11 years older married co worker (himself with teenage daughters) in a range of locales from cafes around work to restaurants at lunchtime to the local canal in a park? Particularly curious to know if it is normal in any work environment for co workers of this gender and age description to be lying on the grassy hill on the banks of a canal for inspirational conversations? For over couple of hours multiple times? Seeing her WhatsApp (sorry) it seems he has been helping her blossom and come out of her shell, enabling her to find her feet and be her true confident self etc. What on earth is this? It is not sexual but something feels profoundly incorrect to me. I feel like I’m going mad.


I'd be thinking she is having an emotional relationship with him and it is time to cut bait and let her go.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

He is at best grooming her for a tryst or at worst it's already happening.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How do you know they were lying on the grass and not in the back seat of his car?

Parks are great for cheaters to hook up. You are being extremely naive.


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

Tresfatigue said:


> Thank you for all these replies. It is clear from their communication that he provides her support (for successes failures stress dreams aspirations) and goes massively out of his way to help her. One instance is - she made a massive faux pas in her lab where basically she messed up her experiment. This meant she needed to set it going again. He came in on his day off lab (he is off-sit visiting other labs on Tuesdays) to just stand with her all day in the lab to help her re-do it. Small example. Many many long walks by canal, canal side chats lying beside each other, masses of admiration and gratitude from her expressed to him and him offering advice support Letting her get things off her chest. Turns out also he has written about his struggles with something about his wife and she has written about something I did she didn’t like. In both cases each was super sympathetic to the other.


No bueno, no bueno! 

Have you found any other details hinting at something more nefarious?

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Are there any red flags, here?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP, pls take the advice offered here. This does not bode well for you - 11 yrs difference between them does not an automatically platonic relationship create.....i


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

He is grooming her, if he has not as yet made his move. Time to check her phone and computer. Me, I am direct, I would meet with him, let him know that you are uncomfortable and that you will be having a word with his wife. When I discovered the identity of the person who dated my wife while we were separated, I impressed upon him the necessity of his leaving her alone. When he laughed at me, I lost it. He lived to regret laughing. Unfortunately that resulted in both of them losing their employment.

And do not hesitate to report both of them to HR. One bets that he could lose a lucrative career.


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