# Is there hope of a full reconciliation?



## Lostwouthim (Jun 17, 2012)

Where to begin-
My husband told me on June 9th he wanted a divorce. It was a very angry situation and something I was not expecting he told me ILYBINILWY. For many years I had been in a depressed negative space to us having 3 miscarriages 5/2009, 2/2011 and 6/2011) that I had drug him down and crushed him. After he told me that I told him some things that I had been doing to self medicate ( smoking pot behind his back, he knew I might do it occasionally, but he had no idea how often) and to run away from the pain. I have been pushing him to go do the things he loved without me for years as well because I thought I was just negative baggage that he didn’t want o deal with and maybe he was embarrassed of me for how much weight I had put on through all of my depression. He had then left me there all weekend by myself to grasp what was happening. I did not know at that time that he had met someone on an online gaming site that was going through a bad relationship to, that he actually had talked to on the phone and he went to go meet up with her 5 hours away after telling me he wanted a divorce. In his conversation he told me he had made the decision that he does not want kids period.

When he came back home I begged him to give me another chance, I had already begun to realize that I should have gotten help, I had asked him if I could have until his birthday 12/13/2012 to be separated and to see what could happen. At that time he was pushing me to go F*** someone else, move on, he didn't want kids anything to get me to go away, I told him I still had hope he told me he maybe had an inch of Hope. I went and stayed at my parents house for a couple of days in a few days I figured out this EA with the OW, which sent me into "let's just get a divorce". Which he agreed with. I really had a problem with his contact with the OW and it came out when he told me he got off my phone plan when he really didn’t and I saw how often they were texting, it just made me sick , I then realized I couldn’t get him off my plan and had a yelling match on the phone about how it just wasn’t right that he was doing that to me, at least have a little respect, so at that time he stopped using our phone to call her. After that all of the conversaions started being more civil and adult like. I started IC on June 20th the day before we ended up going to a concert together, which was quite awkward due to it being a band that had a lot of music that identified with our time together. After that concert he left and spent 3 days with the OW. All this time he seemed so worried about all of our financial obligations like that was the only thing going on and that I needed to go find someone else. I went and got a memorial tattoo for our losses that really helped me heal and ended up spending quite a bit of time with him since I was having some internet issues that he was helping me fix. I had asked him if I could stay at our house for the next month so I could get my s&it together, he agreed and moved to his parents house. A week after that he went and spent almost the whole week of 4th of July with her (he did say he thought about texting me happy 4th but decided not to since it could be awkward) . I in the same time frame was reconnected with my 1st love from my high school days, we went out and had drinks and I hung out with him the next day and put all my cards on the table, when he had heard I was getting a divorce he thought it had been longer than a month, I let him know I was a broken person just looking for a friend which he said he could be, but that he was still attracted to me and wanted to flirt. It felt good to be honest. 
After the next few days and talking to my MIL she told me right now was the time to ask for MC, so I did but prefaced it as needing closure and to fix ourselves so this doesn't happen in a future relationship, he agreed (I was a little shocked). We made time to talk, I had told him in those conversations that I wish that this was his last call to me to pull my head out of my a$$, he said it wasn't. He had also told me that he realized he wasn't emotionally sound to get in another relationship and that him and the OW were still friends but he wasn't going to be seeing her in person. On the weekend of the 21st he took off to go camping, I went hiking with my friend and had an awesome time, I took some pictures that I was really proud of since I have been denying myself any joy in the hobbies I used to pursue. At this point I'm telling myself move on.........the husbands isn't coming back. That Sunday H texts me which was not normal asking if he could stop by I asked if I needed to be there he said no but it would be nice I could show him how to pay the bills. I thought he just wanted to come see our kids ( we have 3 dogs and a cat), but when I got there he looked so sad and haggard, I reminded him that we had marriage counseling on Wednesday and he said that he remembered and that he was not taking it lightly or half heartedly. He then proceeded to tell me that he had no fun camping cause all he could do was realized that he missed his friend (me), he would drive by somewhere and realize it was somewhere he wanted to go with me. I was really surprised, he then said that he had hope to save us. He did reiterate that he did not want kids, I told him I had already made a decision that I don't want them either I was just caught up in the expectation of it (We originally did not want kids and that changed after marriage due to all the pressure). I also thanked him for asking for the divorce because I think it's the only way I would pull my head out of my a$$. We decided we could start doing things together and he then invited me to go have dinner with him, which I accepted. Wednesday we went to counseling and the focus was mainly me because of the miscarriages and the depression and such but in counseling H said that the question had been brought up many times as to if he was doing this as a last call for change, and H said that he thinks that this is what it's becoming. He also realizes that he also did this because he thought I still wanted kids and this was my chance to go get that with someone else but he would actually like to save our marriage. I know he has been waiting for me a long time and that I have broken his heart. I have done a lot of work deep diving into my issues, I go to counceling every week, took a leave from work to focus on myself, go to the gym (lost almost 30 lbs) I'm nice and understanding unlike the way I used to be. We've started hugging (he said we could still touch after I asked him for a hug after counseling) , and I told him since he is not attracted to me that he will have to be the one to kiss me first. He did tell me that he was still having some ED problems which he has for a little while, but hey if your not getting any then you don’t notice that, but I started to wonder maybe he hasn’t slept with the OW? I did bring that up in MC so I know it will be addressed, cause now I'm wondering is he still dating, is he still talking to the OW, the counselor suggested to both of us to remove any additional person from the situation, I have I just wish I knew if he has.
We spent a couple of hours together Thursday night he brought me dinner, watered my veggie and flower gardens for me and fed all of the animals (which he normally does not do), we also spent all saturday together getting ready to tile our kitchen floor, took our dog to the vet had breakfast and dinner together and a movie.

I guess my question is there hope? I tried to ask about boundaries but I don't think I asked the question right.............I asked about a timeline to, I was hoping for October that maybe he could come back home but he went with December? I know only time will tell. I wonder if he's trying to trust in me really changing and keeping the changes in the past I have given up so easily maybe that's why he wants to have the timeline be so far out? I have done a lot and I have a lot more planned - getting my motorcycle license, taking a backpacking class so him and I can go do an overnight hike in September and some other stuff.
Is he just setting me up to be his friend or is there really Hope?


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Lostwouthim said:


> Where to begin-
> My husband told me on June 9th he wanted a divorce. It was a very angry situation and something I was not expecting he told me ILYBINILWY. For many years I had been in a depressed negative space to us having 3 miscarriages 5/2009, 2/2011 and 6/2011) that I had drug him down and crushed him. After he told me that I told him some things that I had been doing to self medicate ( smoking pot behind his back, he knew I might do it occasionally, but he had no idea how often) and to run away from the pain. I have been pushing him to go do the things he loved without me for years as well because I thought I was just negative baggage that he didn’t want o deal with and maybe he was embarrassed of me for how much weight I had put on through all of my depression. He had then left me there all weekend by myself to grasp what was happening. I did not know at that time that he had met someone on an online gaming site that was going through a bad relationship to, that he actually had talked to on the phone and he went to go meet up with her 5 hours away after telling me he wanted a divorce. In his conversation he told me he had made the decision that he does not want kids period.
> 
> When he came back home I begged him to give me another chance, I had already begun to realize that I should have gotten help, I had asked him if I could have until his birthday 12/13/2012 to be separated and to see what could happen. At that time he was pushing me to go F*** someone else, move on, he didn't want kids anything to get me to go away, I told him I still had hope he told me he maybe had an inch of Hope. I went and stayed at my parents house for a couple of days in a few days I figured out this EA with the OW, which sent me into "let's just get a divorce". Which he agreed with. I really had a problem with his contact with the OW and it came out when he told me he got off my phone plan when he really didn’t and I saw how often they were texting, it just made me sick , I then realized I couldn’t get him off my plan and had a yelling match on the phone about how it just wasn’t right that he was doing that to me, at least have a little respect, so at that time he stopped using our phone to call her. After that all of the conversaions started being more civil and adult like. I started IC on June 20th the day before we ended up going to a concert together, which was quite awkward due to it being a band that had a lot of music that identified with our time together. After that concert he left and spent 3 days with the OW. All this time he seemed so worried about all of our financial obligations like that was the only thing going on and that I needed to go find someone else. I went and got a memorial tattoo for our losses that really helped me heal and ended up spending quite a bit of time with him since I was having some internet issues that he was helping me fix. I had asked him if I could stay at our house for the next month so I could get my s&it together, he agreed and moved to his parents house. A week after that he went and spent almost the whole week of 4th of July with her (he did say he thought about texting me happy 4th but decided not to since it could be awkward) . I in the same time frame was reconnected with my 1st love from my high school days, we went out and had drinks and I hung out with him the next day and put all my cards on the table, when he had heard I was getting a divorce he thought it had been longer than a month, I let him know I was a broken person just looking for a friend which he said he could be, but that he was still attracted to me and wanted to flirt. It felt good to be honest.
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry about that. I'm using an iPad and am not used to it.

You talk a lot about all the things you think you did wrong. What about him? Was he supportive when you were going through the emotional trauma of the miscarriages (I can't imagine that pain)? Has he been supportive through your depression? And let's not forget he went off and had an affair rather than address the issues within the marriage (boy, is this familiar!). Don't take it all on yourself. Is he taking responsibility for his own failings? Unless he does, I don't see much hope for a successful marriage. 

Friends? Maybe. It depends what you both are looking for in a friend. If its companionship, someone to do things with then go for it. But be sure you're not clinging on in the hope that it will turn Iinto more because he may not want that and you could be in for more pain down the road. 

Make sure you know what you want before going too far. By doing things for yourself that you enjoy, you are on the right track to becoming a strong, confident person who can make that decision.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostwouthim (Jun 17, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> Sorry about that. I'm using an iPad and am not used to it.
> 
> You talk a lot about all the things you think you did wrong. What about him? Was he supportive when you were going through the emotional trauma of the miscarriages (I can't imagine that pain)? Has he been supportive through your depression? And let's not forget he went off and had an affair rather than address the issues within the marriage (boy, is this familiar!). Don't take it all on yourself. Is he taking responsibility for his own failings? Unless he does, I don't see much hope for a successful marriage.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostwouthim (Jun 17, 2012)

I get the IPad thing they r hard to get familiar with. he actually said his missed his wife, and that I am still home. I think at some point he will see that it' s taken two to make this trail wreck as our counselor called it. He knows he let me down by not showing his emotions, he was there and doing things for me , but not emotional and he did say that in counseling. I really think he might be having a MLC. For the things that I know I did wrong he had asked me to get help before, I was in denial, said I didn't have the time. I have done a lot of searching and I know my faults, I know that I pushed him away I insulated myself from the hurt. Im willing to forgive. I started thinkimg how can someone love me if I don't even love myself? Who can be attracted to me if I'm not attracted to myself?. For years I have had a "I don't give a f$$$ attitude ," and that was also demonstrated towards him. 
I can totally understand why he would start talking to someone, I felt what that could be like hanging out with my xbf my 1 st love that I seem to somehow find after all of my major relationships since him. It's nice to have someone who listens and is a happy and caring person.
He also said he wants the marriage back in front of the counselor and just with me. H even said that we should hang out more often and he previously said in a conversation that I didn't need a boyfriend, I am hoping that this means he's " iin it to win it so to speak. 
I just want to take my responsibility for what I've done contribute to this. 
He also tolded me he f' d up talking to her so quick and that he was an emotional mess. I know it seems like I'm being hard on myself but I know that I want to put my big girl pants and take care of this mess for myself. I'm finally out of my fog living again, I already feel like such a better person for taking care of me, I'm getting back into photography, getting my motorcycle license, lost almost 30 lbs, I'm being active, hiking , working out for me I want to be the cute little sexy thing full of life like I used to be for me, and if he's not going to take advantage of it I know I can find someone else for me when I feel I'm ready, I would just prefer it be my husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

I've given up on the iPad!

You have a good attitude. I think you're going to be just fine whatever happens. Wish I could get my H into counselling, but his whole family sees that as weakness, so I doubt it would ever happen even if he did come back.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

a. he is either tiling the kitchen floor because there is hope. With no children in the picture any man not caring would just write you off be gone. 

or b. Unless you are selling the house. he might be looking at resale value and the divorce settlement. 

or

c. he could be tiling the floor because his divorce attorney told him to keep you on his good side until the divorce is final to avoid more litigation and complications.

but if he is going to mc. i dont see why he would do that if he wasnt interested in reconciliation.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

Lostwouthim said:


> I get the IPad thing they r hard to get familiar with. he actually said his missed his wife, and that I am still home. I think at some point he will see that it' s taken two to make this trail wreck as our counselor called it. He knows he let me down by not showing his emotions, he was there and doing things for me , but not emotional and he did say that in counseling. I really think he might be having a MLC. For the things that I know I did wrong he had asked me to get help before, I was in denial, said I didn't have the time. I have done a lot of searching and I know my faults, I know that I pushed him away I insulated myself from the hurt. Im willing to forgive. I started thinkimg how can someone love me if I don't even love myself? Who can be attracted to me if I'm not attracted to myself?. For years I have had a "I don't give a f$$$ attitude ," and that was also demonstrated towards him.
> I can totally understand why he would start talking to someone, I felt what that could be like hanging out with my xbf my 1 st love that I seem to somehow find after all of my major relationships since him. It's nice to have someone who listens and is a happy and caring person.
> He also said he wants the marriage back in front of the counselor and just with me. H even said that we should hang out more often and he previously said in a conversation that I didn't need a boyfriend, I am hoping that this means he's " iin it to win it so to speak.
> I just want to take my responsibility for what I've done contribute to this.
> He also tolded me he f' d up talking to her so quick and that he was an emotional mess. I know it seems like I'm being hard on myself but I know that I want to put my big girl pants and take care of this mess for myself. I'm finally out of my fog living again, I already feel like such a better person for taking care of me, I'm getting back into photography, getting my motorcycle license, lost almost 30 lbs, I'm being active, hiking , working out for me I want to be the cute little sexy thing full of life like I used to be for me, and if he's not going to take advantage of it I know I can find someone else for me when I feel I'm ready, I *would just prefer it be my husband.*_Posted via Mobile Device_


i hope it is. hope it works out for you. i am kind of wondering why you both arent seeing and talking to eachother more. i dont quite understand that. why dont you just spend the night or something together. To keep you both from being intimate with others or having emotional affairs and really putting a nail in your marriages coffin. That is what would concern me about any separation. Even when i separated my wife always came to me to give me sex to make SURE i wasnt going to sleep with someone else. Smart woman, kept me from thinking of going elsewhere. Good luck.


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## Lostwouthim (Jun 17, 2012)

@ BriBrius I think sex is the least of our concerns. I have been over weight for quite some time and I want to actually feel sexy and love myself before I give myself to anybody sexually including him. He also mentioned that he was having some issues with himself maybe a little ED. We've been through a lot of ups and downs and now we are trying to build a new relationship but we want to take some time I think we both are going to have some trust issues to work through. I think he is waiting to make sure that the changes that are made stick, I normally give up and become negative with no hope. I really think he sees the changes in me making a real effort to become me again but he still doesn't have the trust, it's only a week out since he came to the conclusion of missing me his friend and wife but he really has missed me for years because I've been in a fog. And because we haven't discussed the OW and whatever that really ended up being I don't want to go that direction anyways. I already told him he would have to make the first move, all I want right now is a hug everytime I see him.


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