# 36 years old- sex in my marriage is NON-existent



## Theshadow (Aug 23, 2012)

I'm not sure what to say. My marriage lacks any sort of intimacy and sex. My wife never asks me for it. When I bug her enough, we have sex (last time was over a month ago) and I can tell it's a "let's get this crap over with" kind of thing. 

I guess some background is in order. We have two small kids, 4 and 14 months. The 14 month old is a constant priority. Constant. My wife's father found out he had cancer about a month into her second pregnancy. He's still battling it. Adding to this, I fear she has that much anxiety she could use some medication. But, as you probably know, any medication would wipe out her sex drive even more!

What to do? I masturbate and look at porn a lot, imagining it could be us, because that's what I would rather be doing. Doing it with my wife! Don't get me wrong, I am as loving and supportive as a husband could be. 

But really not sure what to do.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Well she needs to understand that your need for sex is as important as her need for emotional intimacy. Without the sexual bond your marriage is in danger.

14 month olds can still be very draining. Does she have much time to herself.

Would you say you do more then your fair share. If so stop doing it, and don't do things just to please her, decide for your self if you are doing the right thing. Is it fair on both of you? If so go ahead if you don't think so then don't do it. 

Mare sure that you are not a doormat. But do not be a jerk either. If you want her to be sexually vulnerable and open up she has to trust you long term, that you love her and her body, that you aren't going to hurt her, but you also need to ensure you are not a pushover and that she respects you.

Does she nag you? If so what about? That is a big sign she does not respect you. Does she put you down or speak poorly to you or about you?

Insist on Counseling. Find someone you both like so you can talk about the issues with someone impartial. 

Good luck. You deserve to have a fulfilling marriage.


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## Theshadow (Aug 23, 2012)

Thanks, I'm really worried about the anxiety part. All of her aunts are on anti-anxiety meds. She won't let my parents babysit and only on occasion lets me take our four year old out to get ice cream, because she's so protective. She has dreams about their safety. The only one she allows to take the kids out are her mother, but she is getting slightly better in this regard. Any mention of getting help through meds or counselling is met with a lukewarm response. Not totally closed, but very defensive. And she's really worried about her father.

Anxiety like this destroys sex drive.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Ok, that is a huge problem. She doesn't even trust you with your own children? 

Put your foot down, because at the moment you are feeding her anxiety and that will make it worse, it might be easier short term but you are harming your relationship and it will most likely take a toll on your children. 

Insist on counselling, tell her your marriage is in trouble and you want a better life for everyone including the children and her. Let her know that you will do what it takes to put the marriage first, because she is sabotaging her own happiness and the marriage. 

Do not let her continue down this path, it's the path to great unhappiness and probably divorce.

Take control of the situation instead of being controlled by her anxiety.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Theshadow said:


> Thanks, I'm really worried about the anxiety part. All of her aunts are on anti-anxiety meds. She won't let my parents babysit and only on occasion lets me take our four year old out to get ice cream, because she's so protective. She has dreams about their safety. The only one she allows to take the kids out are her mother, but she is getting slightly better in this regard. Any mention of getting help through meds or counselling is met with a lukewarm response. Not totally closed, but very defensive. And she's really worried about her father.
> 
> Anxiety like this destroys sex drive.


Uhhh this is a serious problem. I loved being a dad and I would take my infant and toddler sans Mom anytime I felt she needed a break and when I felt I needed time with them as well. This CANNOT be a unilateral decision on her part. She needs to see the doc about her meds and needs some counseling. The issues here are quite obvious.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You have to ratchet things up a notch.

Your wife will get consumed with kids, other people and things that get in the way of marriage.

It's your job to steer the ship.. And the ship is your marriage and your family.. And if your wife is putting things ahead of your marriage and your family then she has to be educated as to the expectations you have on her as your wife and the mother of your children, as well as the expectations and policies you have as the Husband and Father in the family.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Agree with the above

She has some serious issues that need to be attended to


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Will he be considered a porn addict once the wife finds out he turned to porn?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

Before putting it all on your wife, try cleaning up your side of the street a little bit.

Women need two things to be motivated for sex, an emotional connection and the prospect of enjoyment.

Emotional connection comes from giving her attention, praise and admiration, affection (non sexual). Are you doing these things for her? Flowers? Dates? Cards? Great conversation?

Hell, I wouldn't even in the mood after a long day of work, and evening of cooking and cleaning and chasing the kids, then an obligatory invitation to the bedroom with no buildup or foreplay for a quick session of wham bam thank you Mam.

Which brings up the prospect of enjoyment. Is there foreplay? buildup? Concentration on her? New things in the bedroom? Women need a good deal of buildup and stimulation before they are revved up, is she getting it?

I'm guessing you could improve in both of these areas. Hell, we all could.

Secondly, lose the porn and masturbation. Porn is a fantasy where no one looks like they do or can perform like they do, so real life is disappointing in comparison. You probably don't realize it, but you could be sending out subconsious vibes or body language that your wife isn't quite measuring up.

You would probably be more motivated to courting your wife properly to find fulfillment if you weren't already relieving yourself frequently. And your performance would be much better.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

The porn and masturbation is realistic expectation if his wife is not giving him the sex he needs. Porn is not your problem. Her inability to consider your needs is the problem. To get her to look at you in a more sexual way you will need to have more Alpha traits around the house. Work on you and she will follow. Treat her like you did when you were dating her.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Hicks said:


> You have to ratchet things up a notch.
> 
> Your wife will get consumed with kids, other people and things that get in the way of marriage.
> 
> It's your job to steer the ship.. And the ship is your marriage and your family.. And if your wife is putting things ahead of your marriage and your family then she has to be educated as to the expectations you have on her as your wife and the mother of your children, as well as the expectations and policies you have as the Husband and Father in the family.


I would clarify to say both educated and informed. By that I mean she needs to both educated that her behavior (both as a wife and a partner) is lacking, and informed that you are making changes.

For example, you, as their father, have every right to take your kids out for a play in the park without her. Make it clear that you need to bond with them as well as do it. She sounds like she is in a cycle where all things are about her kids. You need to break that. 

Educate her about the need to maintain your relationship with her. Then arrange for a sitter and book a night out with her. If she refuses, send the sitter away and go without her, but only after informing her that you are disappointed that she values time with you so little.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Theshadow said:


> Thanks, I'm really worried about the anxiety part. All of her aunts are on anti-anxiety meds.


SSRI medications like Prozac do have sexual side effects. However, Wellbutrin is an anti-anxiety medication without those same side-effects. In fact, some claim side-effects that actually enhance sex/libido.



> She won't let my parents babysit and only on occasion lets me take our four year old out to get ice cream, because she's so protective.


Woah. Hold everything.

This sounds like she is a single mom with three children. Take charge. You are the father. You are the head of the household. If you want to take your kids out for ice cream, you can damn well do it. Try a little aversion therapy with her. Take your kids out to eat without her. When you come back a couple of hours later, with both kids safely in tow, she might see that you can be trusted with your own children.

Hell, it's absolutely no surprise that your wife isn't attracted to a man that she doesn't even trust to take her kids out to ice cream.



> Any mention of getting help through meds or counselling is met with a lukewarm response. Not totally closed, but very defensive.


Your wife absolutely needs to get over her anxiety. Whether she uses drugs, counseling, both, or neither. It doesn't matter. You can't allow her to continue to ruin your home life, and that of your children. So man up and force some action.

Good luck.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Just Reading all that your wife has going on is making it hard for me to see how she could have anything left for sex. She needs to get her mental health in check first and foremost. You need to make that your priority as the loving and supportive husband. Go to therapy with her and tell the doctor that she doesn't even let you take the kids out. That is just not healthy behavior.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

NatureDave said:


> Before putting it all on your wife, try cleaning up your side of the street a little bit.
> 
> Women need two things to be motivated for sex, an emotional connection and the prospect of enjoyment.
> 
> ...


I don't like your advice NatureDave and I think it's the wrong approach. Have you ever been in his situation? Are you even a guy as you user name implies? I don't think so and you're dangerously close to advising him to become a doormat. His wife has deprioritized him and their relationship and has over-the-top obsessively thrown herself into being "all mom, all the time", coupled with abnormal anxiety (with family history of anxiety issues as well).

She may indeed need to feel a connection to want to get frisky, but she's doing plenty on her own to push him away as well and is pretty clearly not interested in having a husband at the moment. They've got serious dynamic issues and a disconnect on what they respectively want out of life. And even with those resolved, new parents don't have the luxury of drawn out romancing most of the time. It's a situation which challenges good couples to adapt and accommodate to their limited time and resources. 

As for the masturbation? give it up completely when he is going months at a time without intimacy? You must be either kidding, a woman, or wish to cause him harm. 

They need to be addressing her mental health, the demands of the situation re: child-rearing, and their own dynamic just to frame things for better long term sex.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Theshadow said:


> She won't let my parents babysit and only on occasion lets me take our four year old out to get ice cream, because she's so protective.


You mention this in passing, but honestly this is an even bigger problem than the lack of sex (although at their root they certainly may be from the same cause).

She CAN'T stop you from taking your children out on your own. *They are your children too, for crying out loud*. You are married and living together, not divorcing and in the middle of a custody fight. 

And why doesn't she allow your parents to babysit? There would have to be a damn good reason before I would tell my own parents that they can't babysit their grandchildren. This can't be helping the relationship with your side of the family either. 

Fix this problem first. Insist that she gets counseling for her anxiety (and yes, that might mean meds) because this is slowly driving a wedge between you that will just get deeper and deeper. Yes, she might get defensive about that, but tough. She is in a bad place and doesn't even realize it.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You have to assert yourself in your marriage.
Provide to your wife what is important to her.
Advocate for your own needs and make sure she is providing to you what is important to you.

Your wife will be way more into you sexually if a) her needs are getting met and b) she sees your strength in advocating for your needs (not just sex, but that is included).


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Hicks said:


> You have to assert yourself in your marriage.
> Provide to your wife what is important to her.
> Advocate for your own needs and make sure she is providing to you what is important to you.
> 
> Your wife will be way more into you sexually if a) her needs are getting met and b) she sees your strength in advocating for your needs (not just sex, but that is included).


My concern is that she views her needs as currently being met - that her needs are as a mother and nothing more. Perhaps I am reading too much into it, but her focus on the children and refusal to let anyone else care for them strongly suggests that she is in the "mother goddess role" where all things are about her being a mother. If true, her "needs" all revolve around fulfilling this role. As such, he needs to be careful about trying to meet her needs as she currently defines them. 

This may well be a situation where what she now tells him she needs is in fact wrong for their relationship and for her.


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> My concern is that she views her needs as currently being met - that her needs are as a mother and nothing more. Perhaps I am reading too much into it, but her focus on the children and refusal to let anyone else care for them strongly suggests that she is in the "mother goddess role" where all things are about her being a mother. If true, her "needs" all revolve around fulfilling this role. As such, he needs to be careful about trying to meet her needs as she currently defines them.
> 
> This may well be a situation where what she now tells him she needs is in fact wrong for their relationship and for her.


I've seen this exact situation you've described way too many times .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Knock off the masturbation and fix this. If your house was on fire and your kids were inside, you'd risk your life to save them without even thinking about it. Your marriage is doomed if this no-sex business persists. If you tolerate it, you're killing your marriage as surely as your wife is killing it by withholding. Kids growing up in broken homes are statistically more likely to do poorly in school (consequently, in life), they are more prone to disciplinary problems and they are more likely to have piss-poor relationships when they grow up. Your house is on fire and your kids are in danger. Drop your willie, turn off the porn and do what has to be done.


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

Honestly, having a 14 month old baby is impeding the sex drive. She may be suffering from Post Partem. Has your sex life ever been active? Sometimes after birth, women tend to lose whatever sex drive they have for a plethora of reasons: hormones in overdrive, body image issues, being too tired, reprioritizing, etc etc. If you're done having children, perhaps a vasectomy wouldn't hurt. I know one of the drawbacks in my "sexless" marriage was that my wife was worried she was going to get pregnant again.


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## Jonathan35 (Feb 28, 2013)

I hate to say this but she is never going to put your needs before the needs of your children. That's the problem. Combine that with the fact that your relationship is now a business and she has lost interest in you physically and you are in for a long dry spell. The occasional sympathy lay will just make you angrier. And she's not crazy. That's just blame displacement. She is the same person you fell in love with but she is now permanently exhausted and she sees you as her roommate that pays all her bills. That will cause her to do the bare minimum to keep you around. Don't let her control the situation. Women respond to threats. Not physical or verbal ones, but ones from other women. Make yourself desirable to other women. Get in shape. Be financially successful. She will notice that and realize she needs to come around or you will find someone else. Don't say that. Just live it. If you can't do those things then you need to adjust to the crappy situation you are in or just get out. She is playing you and you are allowing it to happen. And, yes, I know all of this because I am a victim to.


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