# Is my husband dismissing me?



## wife1981 (Jul 5, 2013)

Default Is my husband dismissing me?
Before I start rambling about things that concern me I must say a few things about my husband. Married 5 years, known each other for 11 years. He's a good husband and an awesome dad. We have a 2 year old and 9 month old. Those kids are his life. He is a very caring man and really tries to make us happy. He is prior military and is currently deployed in Afghanistan as a contractor. Anyway, he's been gone for almost 2 years now. On and off, he was able to come home a few times for 30 days at a time. So we were able to see him for about 2 months out of the whole year. This deployment was our choice, while the kids are young, we wanted to get out of debt and put us in a better financial situation which we have done.

I find my husband and I fight about one thing constantly. His mother! Long story short. She can manipulate anything until she gets her way. For example it started back when we were dating. We decided to move in together, he lived 6 hours away from where his parents lived. We decided it was time to get serious so instead of me being 6 hours away I moved in with him. My parents of course would rather see us married first but they know times are different now and they respect my decision. It was time to tell his parents. After telling his mother we are living together she demanded him not to EVER tell his father. That his father does not believe in living together before marriage. Fine, I can deal with that. I dealt with the fact that I had to move out of my own home and go sleep somewhere else when they visited. It bothered me a lot but I tried to make his mother and him happy.
Shortly after moving in together we got engaged. Since his mother has a lot of experience with planning big events, we decided for her to help us. Honestly, I pretty much expected for both sides to help plan. Isn't it suppose to be fun. Well, I quickly learned what a nightmare it can be. I didn't really have a lot of say in some decisions. I was so stressed we fought constantly. I didn't order the right cake, or pick the right place. She wanted it to be her way or no way. My parents to this day are upset with her bc of how disrespectful she was towards them Pretty much bossing them around like they were her little slaves. But whatever, I tried to get over it. My husband tried to keep the peace between his mother and I. He did the best he could, I believe.
When we purchased our home she helped us decorate. It was okay, my husband would constantly call her to ask her opinion. Which is fine, but it got to the point where every little thing we tried to do he had to talk to her first. It seemed to me as if my opinion didn't matter or I was wrong unless his mother agreed. Fine, I call my mom and ask her opinion on a lot of things. But I don't force it on him at all. I'm very easy going and I feel like opinions are great but at the end of the day its what we both want.
My husband deployed when I got pregnant with our first child. I was alone and his mom was nice enough to come and stay with me when that time came close. Long story short my mother in law made my life a living hell when she was there. I had to go grocery shopping, cooked breakfast, lunch and dinner. I felt like I was taking care of her and not her taking care of me. When that time came to go to the hospital my husband was still on his way home. It took days to get home. I have two little dogs that I was concerend about. So, while I was in labor I asked her if she could go to the house and check on them, feed them. Do what I cannot do bc I'm about to have a baby. Well she made it clear she wasnt going anywhere but staying at the hospital. I had two of my friends there as well. I lived 5 min away from the hospital so I didn't think it would be a big deal. I thought she was there to help me with what I need not chose what she wanted to help me with. Whatever. Anyway, I was finally ready to push. She sat next to the bed, talking on the phone with her husband. My husband is on skype trying to watch the birth of our first child. I begged her to get off the phone and help me but she wouldn't. She complained about the lights being to bright, her back hurting her, how tried she was...blah blah blah. I was already so upset my husband was not there the last thing I needed is her to ignore me. After our little one arrived she was happy go lucky smiling and taking pics. My friends were shocked with the way she acted and treated people around her. The nurses had to work around her bc she would not move. It took a year for me to confront her about that day. She claimed she had a panic attack and unless I know how that feels I have to right to judge. Fine, maybe she did, but according to the pictures and my friends she seemed totally fine.
My relationship with her went downhill fast. I caught her drinking while watching our baby. I told my husband but bc I didnt see any bottles I didn't know 100% if she was drinking. She was changing my son in his little play room and I could barley stand to stand there, the smell of liquor was making me sick. But bc I never saw a bottle my husband felt like it wasnt fair to accuse her of it. Fine.
She has stolen money from us. I feel like she takes advantage of our financial status. She is always borrowing money and not paying it back. I understand and have no problem helping out family. I think if we are able to we should, which we do. But she has no problem going out to eat, paying for a gym, or going out on the boat every weekend. So, why can't she pay us back? We have 2 kids and he is in Afghanistan risking his life for us, so we can give our children a better life.
Now to the biggest problem that I have. I feel like my husband values his mother's opinion over mine. I feel dismissed a lot. Even though we've talked about it and there were times were he agreed he has, he also says he never meant to. Which I understand it happens, people make mistakes. I know I've made my share of mistakes too. So I try to me understanding. Well, it happens more often and I'm really getting tired of it. I feel like I come after his parents and sibling. I feel like I'm not good enough, like I cannot do anything right. I've been feeling like this for a few years now. We talk about it but it doesn't really change. I don;t know exactly what I'm looking for him to say, I just want to feel wanted and not always just sexually. Sometimes I just want to watch a movie and not have him rubbing on me all the time. I want him to value my opinion and not always have to ask him mother. A lot of times he sides with her, most of the time actually. Where did I go wrong and what am I doing wrong? I tried to satisfy everyone's needs and I;ve realized I haven;t taken care of mine. I don;t want to leave my husband but I;m tired of feeling alone and dismissed. He means well, he is a good man. I'm just starting to believe that maybe we are just not going to work. I'm willing to fight, and I have been fighting for us. I just don't know how much more I have in me. If anyone has any advice I really would appreciate some feedback. One more thing I'd like to add, he's been gone, October will be 2 years. This deployment has def taken a strain on our relationship. He is due back in 3 months.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

The biggest mistake you and your H have made is permitting this:-



> She can manipulate anything until she gets her way. For example it started back when we were dating.


Until both you and your H agree that this dynamic has to change, and you implement boundaries to facilitate it, your MIL is going to continue to manipulate and cause problems in your marriage.

You can't change your MIL, but you and your H can change how she impacts on your marriage by erecting firm, healthy boundaries that she isn't allowed to cross. It will only work if your MIL sees a united front, so it's essential that you and H are on the same page about this.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I agree with Cosmos that you can't change her. I also would say you can't change your husband. What I would encourage you to try is this:

When something happens that you know will make your husband want to call her, say something like, "I'm excited to see how we can handle this and build our lives on our own, so can we hold off on talking to your mom until (whatever conditions will leave her opinion out of it)?" 

For instance, "Honey, I'm pregnant! This time, I'd like for us to decorate the nursery ourselves, so can we hold off on mentioning the nursery your mom until she comes to visit after the baby's arrival?" You're setting up your expectations and it doesn't leave your husband wondering what he should do. Or "I'm so happy we're going to buy a house! Let's keep it a secret and break the big news when we send pictures to everyone!" 

Find ways to build resources that can run interference. At the hospital for instance, if I'd been delivering my child with someone acting like she was, I wouldn't hesitate to ask the doctor to clear the room for me.


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

You want to tell him to cut the umbilical cord. For a man that can handle himself in Afghanistan, why is making decisions in his own home so difficult?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

mule kick said:


> You want to tell him to cut the umbilical cord. For a man that can handle himself in Afghanistan, why is making decisions in his own home so difficult?


Because he's not a leader. He's used to following orders and being compliant. That's what makes him a good soldier, a good son, and a good husband. He is who he is. I hope she is very careful about how she addresses this!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

mule kick said:


> You want to tell him to cut the umbilical cord. For a man that can handle himself in Afghanistan, why is making decisions in his own home so difficult?


Because in all probability his mother manipulating those around her is all he's ever known, and to him it might seem normal. Very gently his W can change this dynamic, but it has to be handled with care.


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## agreenbough (Oct 1, 2012)

I agree that a big part of the problem is that to him it seems normal.
I don't know if I'm allowed to recommend other sites, but go to Baby Center and look for the "Dealing with the in-laws and family of origin" board. You'll get a lot of good advice there.


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## wife1981 (Jul 5, 2013)

Thank you everyone for your suggestions. He is a great husband and I do realize he is just trying to do what he feels is best for us. I can't blame him for doing what he knows and I def will not try to change him. I just want him to value my opinion as well as his mother's opinion. I want to be respected by his family, the same way I respect them. I use to get teased a lot by them, and even though I can take a joke. It got to the point where it became offensive. I can't and won't tell my husband to cut the umbilical cord and be a man. Well he is a man that fights hard for his family and country. He loves his parents and values their opinion. He's a good son. Like I said, I just want my opinion to be valued. Thanks guys


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