# A marriage of one.



## thetotality (Apr 30, 2019)

Good evening,

I came here seeking help on how to be the husband my wife needs me to be.

We've been married for three years, together for nine. We have no children. I am 28, she is 25. I am a Marine Corps veteran, and a police officer. My wife just recently joined the active duty military where she serves as an officer (vs enlisted, for those not familiar with military). She is a type CAPITAL A personality and I am type B. She is very intelligent. Always has been. Graduated 3rd in her high school class out of 456 students because she didn't want to give a speech as 2nd or 1st. ACT score of 32. Received her bachelors degree at age 20.

My wife has been saying for sometime that she is in a marriage with herself. She states that I go along with whatever she says, whatever decision she makes and that she has to initiate everything; every "deep" conversation, every sexual act, every major decision, etc. She states I am not capable of having a deep conversation.

She states I am just along for the ride and she is bored.

And she's right.

I control every situation at work, because I have too. It's my job. But when it comes to my marriage, for whatever reason, I am just absent minded and go with whatever my wife says. I love her incredibly much and I tell her often. But she does not feel it. I constantly perform acts of service for her (dishes, making dinner, cleaning, etc) but that is not her love language. Hers is quality time and physical touch. I don't have a desire to make any decisions because her's are ALWAYS good. On a rare occasion when I do make one, it is over ruled. 

I am not a thinker, I'm not a talker. I'm a doer. You give me a task, I get it done. But that's not what my wife needs. She needs me to stimulate her mentally, but quite frankly, I'm not sure I can. She has the mind of a rocket scientist. 

I'm also terrible at showing emotions. My way of showing love is acts of service but that doesn't mean much to her.

I don't initiate sex anymore, because I've been rejected too many times; yet she hates initiating it (even though it only happens once every 5 or 6 months). She believes and feels I only perceive sex as a physical act where as it needs to be deeply emotional for her. (Which is why I was rejected over and over, enough to where I gave up initiating)

How can I become more mentally stimulating and capable of deep conversations, how can I be more emotional (in general) but also when it comes to initiating sex? How can I become the head of the household and be the initiate of decisions and planning, etc over a type A, dominant personality?



Thank you in advance for any constructive criticize or advice.


----------



## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

When did all this come up . before she became a officer in the military or sometime after . when did she start shooting you down for sex . 

I think the one thing you have forgotten is you are still a Marine . my dad was a Marine and he didn't take anything from any body . you need to tap back in to the marine in you and stop taking her **** .


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

thetotality said:


> How can I become the head of the household and be the initiate of decisions and planning, etc over a type A, dominant personality?


You can't. Your wife will never let you. Sorry. Just make decisions for yourself, and go live your own life apart from her. For God's sake, don't have kids with her. Be thankful she has a good career and the ability to support herself. Take action NOW to extricate yourself from having a very, very painful life, while she has her own means of living. Otherwise, you are going to be paying, paying, paying.



thetotality said:


> how to be the husband my wife needs me to be.


You are being him, right now. Life is going to always be on HER TERMS. Sorry.


----------



## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Perhaps both you and your wife do not understand love language. There are different types. I suggest you find out what those are and show them to your wife. Also some MC would help. Niceguy has it right. Marine up, marine!
Do something! But remember, marriage is not a contest, and it doesn't make a difference who is smarter than who.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Love languages book is good. Also some counseling would help too. 

But I would also not be so attached to her. Too much service makes you seem like a slave. Not saying to help out, but get some hobbies and generally have a life outside of her. 

I find to be good at talking you need to be naturally inquisitive because then you can learn about stuff and then talk about it later. 

Finally though you have to be confident enough to be able to lose her to be confident enough to not be a push over. Which falls into the Marine up deal. Women want strong men because it makes them feel safe. 

Don't apologize for who you are. At the end of the day if that is not good enough for her then her loss right? You move on to someone who is smart enough to see it. You have to know your worth.

Get your worth from your honor, not even your wife.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

sokillme said:


> Don't apologize for who you are. At the end of the day if that is not good enough for her then her loss right?


That's exactly right, and it is unfortunate that your wife has blown up her marriage. As long as she maintains her dominant control, she will always be in a "marriage of one".


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

I'm not quite as down on your wife as the guys who have responded here, but I will say you have your work cut out for you. She is unfulfilled and unhappy, but the good news is she is explaining to you, explicitly, exactly why and what she needs to be happy and you understand and take it seriously. (Many men just ignore the wife's complaints and then one day she up and leaves and they are stunned.) 


FIRST, let me say that the #1 thing I want in a romantic relationship is "deep conversation." And I think that's true for many women. Some men but it's more a woman thing. I do like being mentally stimulated and I'm sure your wife does too, but even more important than how "smart" and "mentally stimulating" the conversation is, I think is the fact that intimate conversation makes a woman feel *connected* to the man. That is what gives her the emotional stuff she needs to FEEL that you love her and are truly attracted to her as a woman.

Here are some ideas for you:
1. download the app "beyond small talk" onto your phone. It has a bunch of questions you ask people to get to know them better. If you don't want to whip it out in front of your wife, memorize some of the questions that appeal to you.

2. Take her on a quiet date - out for drinks, a walk in the park, a picnic, put put golf, whatever - something she would enjoy that gives you time together where you can talk casually.

3. Ask her some of the questions and let her answer and be interested when she answers and ask follow up questions, then give her your answers to the questions.

4. For affection - hold her hand or put your arm around her some when you're walking together. Give her a quick hug and kiss if it's not too public/awkward. Etc.

This will probably feel really weird at first but the more you do it, the easier it gets.

Also, you don't have the same type of brain she does to crave deep intellectual conversations, but you can ask her intelligent questions about things you know interest her. Let her do the heavy lifting of talking. She may never get the EXACT type of conversation she wants from you, but if she gets your time and interest and eye contact that will go SO FAR over time and she can join mensa or something and find some nerdy people to geek out with. (HEY, maybe joining mensa would be a suggestion - last I knew the "simple" spouses were welcome at their gatherings. ;-) 

ALSO - here is some really good reading material for you that I think will help tremendously:
The book His Needs Her Needs by Dr. Willard Harley.
Read this article by the same person:
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/th...can-a-husband-receive-the-sex-he-needs-in.htm 
Note - I know "sex" is not your main concern but this article does a good job of explaining what women need to want sex. 

Also, I have never read this but people on here rave about it: the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" From what I gather it will explain why women are not attracted to passive, push over men, and teach you how to "marine up" as others are recommending.

I put some more observations below in red inside your quote.

Sorry this is so long! Good luck.




[email protected] said:


> She is a type CAPITAL A personality and I am type B.
> 
> She states that I go along with whatever she says, whatever decision she makes and that she has to initiate everything; every "deep" conversation, every sexual act, every major decision, etc. *She states I am not capable of having a deep conversation.*
> 
> ...


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

WorkingWife said:


> I'm not quite as down on your wife as the guys who have responded here


And, I apologize for that. I'm glad @WorkingWife came through with some more unbiased and helpful suggestions. 



WorkingWife said:


> but I will say you have your work cut out for you.


I admit, I'm exhausted by the "work" which has shown very little, if any, results. Sorry that I have little to offer.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

sokillme said:


> Don't apologize for who you are. At the end of the day if that is not good enough for her then her loss right?


I have to agree to this too... but what about the school of thoughts that teaches that a man should change himself - for himself - to promote change in the partner too? Personally, I would never do that, because it wouldn't be me at the end of the day and I would find it fake. Also, I don't like any type of game.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

> I'm also terrible at showing emotions.





> how can I be more emotional (in general) but also when it comes to initiating sex?


Which is it? Are you lacking in emotions, or bad at showing them? Do you ever feel emotional about anything, music, films, things that happen at work? Maybe you have plenty of emotions but button them down?



> How can I become more mentally stimulating and capable of deep conversations,
> how can I be more emotional (in general) but also when it comes to initiating sex?
> How can I become the head of the household and be the initiate of decisions and planning, etc over a type A, dominant personality?


Hey, that's three questions. You become capable of deep conversations by *caring *about whatever the topic is, and not being afraid to show it. 



> My wife has been saying for sometime that she is in a marriage with herself. She states that I go along with whatever she says, whatever decision she makes and that she has to initiate everything; every "deep" conversation, every sexual act, every major decision, etc. She states I am not capable of having a deep conversation.
> 
> She states I am just along for the ride and she is bored.


Okay, but she may find it harder than she thinks to relinquish some control. She may be complaining at present, but is she actually willing to let you make decisions? This is where a good counselor might be able to help, because she's probably scared to let go. She may need help. Because, you are clearly (from what you say about your work) capable of making decisions and carrying them out. 



> I control every situation at work, because I have too. It's my job. But when it comes to my marriage, for whatever reason, I am just absent minded and go with whatever my wife says.


Don't give me "for whatever reason", you need to figure out the reason. 



> On a rare occasion when I do make one, it is over ruled.


Yes



> I love her incredibly much


How do you know? (The answer is probably a feeling somewhere in your body.)



> She needs me to stimulate her mentally, but quite frankly, I'm not sure I can. She has the mind of a rocket scientist.


I sincerely doubt that is what she needs. I challenge this statement. She needs to know that you are invested in this marriage, that you care about it.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

thetotality said:


> We've been married for three years, *together for nine*. We have no children. *I am 28, she is 25*. I am a Marine Corps veteran, and a police officer. My wife just recently joined the active duty military where she serves as an officer (vs enlisted, for those not familiar with military). She is a type CAPITAL A personality and I am type B. She is very intelligent. Always has been. Graduated 3rd in her high school class out of 456 students because she didn't want to give a speech as 2nd or 1st. ACT score of 32. Received her bachelors degree at age 20.


I would ask you questions like "what were you two like when you first started dating?" and "when did things change?" but it looks like you've been together since she was 16 and you were 19. You two have probably changed from the people you were back when you were teenagers. But I'm still going to ask...

You mentioned she's always been driven. Were you always laid back?

Do you think your wife would date the person you are today if she hadn't known you back then?



> My wife has been saying for sometime that she is in a marriage with herself. She states that I go along with whatever she says, whatever decision she makes and that she has to initiate everything; every "deep" conversation, every sexual act, every major decision, etc. She states I am not capable of having a deep conversation.
> 
> She states I am just along for the ride and she is bored.
> 
> ...


I believe @WorkingWife gave you excellent advice.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

WorkingWife said:


> I'm not quite as down on your wife as the guys who have responded here, but I will say you have your work cut out for you. She is unfulfilled and unhappy, but the good news is she is explaining to you, explicitly, exactly why and what she needs to be happy and you understand and take it seriously. (Many men just ignore the wife's complaints and then one day she up and leaves and they are stunned.)
> 
> 
> FIRST, let me say that the #1 thing I want in a romantic relationship is "deep conversation." And I think that's true for many women. Some men but it's more a woman thing. I do like being mentally stimulated and I'm sure your wife does too, but even more important than how "smart" and "mentally stimulating" the conversation is, I think is the fact that intimate conversation makes a woman feel *connected* to the man. That is what gives her the emotional stuff she needs to FEEL that you love her and are truly attracted to her as a woman.
> ...


There is no LOVE button.


----------



## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

thetotality said:


> Good evening,
> 
> I came here seeking help on how to be the husband my wife needs me to be.
> 
> ...


How long has this been going on?
If this is relatively new in your life, I'll ask who the new boyfriend is.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Having spent almost forty years in the Army, most in the Reserve and Guard Forces, with about six years active, I see your marriage on the precipice of dissolution. Being away from home a lot will do this to couples.

I am guessing, but, I think her joining the active forces is a means for her to *escape your marriage*. She is doing a trial separation using the military as a means to do so.

Where will she be stationed?

Will she be moved around every three or four years? This is usually the case. Some few get Pentagon duties or some special assignment that they hold for some length of time, but do not count on it.
If she joined the Active Guard or Active Reserve forces she will stay inside your state. She will then be move around within your state (with few exceptions). Expect long commutes for her.

If she is going to the regular Active Forces, are you able or willing to move to each of her new duty stations?

Once she takes this job, I give her about one or two years max before she makes a decision to stay within the marriage or to pull the plug on your marriage. If she has taken an active duty police position she will be deployed very often.

It takes a strong marriage to weather the storm coming, with one or both in the military. Being away from the family, being around other men or women 24/7 can bring about many opportunities to stray.
And.....your marriage is not strong.

Good Luck, Sir..





[THM]- SCM


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

TJW said:


> That's exactly right, and it is unfortunate that your wife has blown up her marriage. As long as she maintains her dominant control, she will always be in a "marriage of one".


I agree but some of the control she may maintain is because he is acting out of fear. If he is afraid to be himself and won't say "no I don't agree" or "Don't talk to me like that" or just "STOP controlling everything!" whatever it is because he is afraid she may leave him or won't love him enough, then he is not being authentic. It also shows he doesn't trust her enough or trust their relationship enough to have times when they are uncomfortable. She may sense this and that may be were the real issue lies. Most healthy people want to be in relationships with someone who they feel is a peer. 

Which is why I say he needs to not be afraid to be who he is, and to not apologize which he is doing if he is hiding his true self out of fear. Now maybe who he is is someone who likes to be passive in his marriage. But even still, if that is who he is than so be it, he still needs to be true to that. Maybe they are just not a good match.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

By the way I am not down on his wife at all. This is very much like me and my wife's dynamic. But there are times when I have to say to her "I need you to STOP!" because if she didn't she would burn out. With time I think she has learned to appreciate that and trust me. In a way I give her permission to relax. 

In the same way there are times when I know I have to push harder not for my benefit but for her because it makes her nervous that I am not as worried about things that she is. But I am not worried because that is just not the way I role with certain things, it doesn't mean I don't care. But I have to still act faster then I would just because she needs to not have to worry about this. And frankly this has made me a better person because it forces me to be more focused. 

In this way I am strong for my wife, I am assertive for my wife. But it's not me being King of the Castle or any of that bull****. I know that part of my job, even for my tremendously accomplished wife is to be an emotional rock. And my wife is the most competent person I have ever met and probably who I will ever meet. I am never going to be able to compete with that, I don't want to be, and that is OK. 

The main reason why it works though (at least in my opinion) is that we both have our voice. We are both authentic. And maybe this is where the failure is, OP would not be the first spouse who is not authentic because they are codependent or just not confident enough that they are worthy of love. (Not saying he is our he isn't just pointing this out as a possibility.) But it's also possible they are just not a good fit anymore. That's life. 

At least she is being honest with him.

As usual @WorkingWife's advice is great.


----------



## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

You reference intelligence numerous times in your message and seem to have some insecurities about your own, relative to hers. Book-smart may be necessary for career but it does not trump street-smart in life’s walk. I’ve seen many instances of “low educated” people having much more sense than “highly educated” people. And most certainly, true love is not bound by IQ level of the partners. So it’s great that your wife is a scholar and military officer, and she should be celebrated for that, however not at your expense. Time to take her off that pedestal you’ve put her on and see yourself eye-to-eye with her. In terms of your marriage you are equal to her. If her compatibility requirements included someone in the top 5% of their class and an accelerated college degree she wouldn’t have hung with you for nine years. I’m assuming that since you characterized yourself as a “military veteran” and her as an “officer”, that you weren’t one. Does that make you feel inferior to her? Is that why you let her make all the decisions…because she is an officer and you weren’t? I could be wrong, but this is what I’m seeing from the words you wrote and I think you need to work on yourself in this area. Your value as a marriage partner has no bearing on education or career, and worse, I suspect it’s not attractive to your wife if she senses you feel inferior to her in some way.

Engaging your wife mentally does not require you to get a PhD, so YES you can engage her mentally. She can get her “rocket science” intellectual needs fulfilled at work from peers. It sounds like what she needs from you is some leadership in marriage life. Doing chores such as dishes, cooking, cleaning is great and she should be grateful for those things, but they are physical realities of life that you would also be doing if you weren’t married. Also, being a task doer is great because the task gets done but if you want to be seen as more than just a “laborer” you need to pick up some responsibility and get into management. She may always make good decisions regarding your married life but that doesn’t mean she wants to make them all the time. Just because someone is very good at taking a piss doesn’t mean they want to spend 24 hours a day in the bathroom. Standing up for what you think should be done, or making a fuss over something that you want, demonstrates that you “give a ****” and care about the outcome of things. Being agreeable is a great trait but too much of it gives an impression of not caring one way or the other.

You can become mentally stimulating, more emotional, and head of the household by believing in yourself, believing you are equal to your wife, and becoming more involved with decisions and leadership within the marriage. When she goes to the “office” she’s a military officer capable of calculating the exact location of black holes and quantum particles. You might even have to salute her. But when she comes home, she is your WIFE.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

TJW said:


> And, I apologize for that. I'm glad @WorkingWife came through with some more unbiased and helpful suggestions. I admit, I'm exhausted by the "work" which has shown very little, if any, results. Sorry that I have little to offer.


Well I don't blame you -- you see his question through the filter of your own, very frustrating, disappointing, and degrading experience and you probably want to save him several painful years. Whereas I see it through the filter of being a woman with similar wants to his wife and feel I can relate to his wife, and may be able to better clarify what she really wants. 

I will admit there are some red flags about her in his post. (Not so sure *I'd* love her if I was a guy...) but from his post I don't think he's as frustrated as you (yet) and hopefully there are definitely things that can be tried.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

First, I would also like to know how long this has been going on and whether some of this began AFTER she started this new path. One can never rule our an affair when a spouse does an about-face.

Second, I am a woman who had to become the "head of household" by default in my first marriage. Because my ex was just SOOOOO passive nothing would get done or decided otherwise. It was NOT what I wanted, and I resented it. Of course, he was so unmotivated and lazy he couldn't even keep a job, and you seem to be very successful professionally, so this may not apply. But sometimes women become "dominant" because they know life will become chaos if they don't. Could any of that apply?

Regarding her being "bored," well, she can complain, or she can help in that department. If she is that bored, then maybe SHE can suggest some more exciting things. And if a woman isn't interested in having sex with her husband, she shouldn't be too surprised when he gets less interested in her. Refusing your spouse sex is just not okay. Period.

For conversation, I recommend a little book called "If." It is basically a series of questions you ask each other to promote conversation. It's a great book.

How much time would you say the two of youo spend together just with each other?


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Like I said @WorkingWife's advice is great.

I tend to be long-winded so maybe take brakes. 

Here are some tips as a man (with a bunch of sisters, and a single mother) which has helped me with some of this. Again this stuff is general so please there is no need for anyone to follow up to this post and say "Not all women are like this". I will say up front that I fully acknowledge that not everyone is like this. This is just what has worked for me. 

First off, most men like challenges, it's in our nature. We like the hunt, we like to solve problems. Getting your wife to give you her emotional being is the greatest hunt and challenge you are ever going to have. It's the greatest puzzle you will ever solve. And it's damn wonderful. When you get this, and if you get it there will be moments you will know YOU GOT THIS, you will get more joy out of that then most if not all other things in your life. Trust me. It will also help with your physical relationship. 

Think of it like this. For a man there are only a few things we need in life (at least me). There are a few roles that we can serve in that really make our life fulfilling. We are not that complicated. Career, Friends, Father (if you have kids), Husband. In the role of husband this is a big part of the challenge. Don't be afraid of that, embrace it and win!

So the most important thing you can do to create a good healthy emotional conversation with your wife, which is what I think most women are looking for is to listen. I can't say that enough, listen. There are going to be things that she is interested in that she talks about that at first you don't care about or even understand why. The good news that usually with a little research you can find something that makes it interesting. As a general rule if lots of people like something there is a reason. You just have to understand the reason and you can appreciate it.

In my own marriage my wife likes purses and shoes. Not my thing, but it's important to me that I have things that she is interested in that we connect on. So she mentions the brand. I look it up in wiki. I learn the history (usually pretty ****ing interesting) how these people started these companies, to sell bags. What their vision was and what women who buy them like about them. Then I see, do I agree? Kate Spade bags kind of have the same look, what is that. Do I like that? In a guys sense how practical are they. See what I am saying, you can port this kind of thinking into anything, it just take doing the work. 

We work on our cars this way, our computers, our gaming systems, whatever it is that we are interested in. Do the same thing with the things your wife is interested in. It's not your thing but you do it for your wife. After a while you will start a dialog about it, and honestly then when you do you start to care. It's crazy but it's true. You also learn more about her because you are talking about it. My wife likes Kate Spade because of this. OK I can see that, maybe there is a bag that is also like this. I will get that for her for her birthday. Hey you like this because of this reason, which is exactly why I like this. Lets not talk about the things we like but the reason and how that is important to us. Bingo now you are emotionally connecting. 

The next thing you need to do is give her an emotional reason for her to care about what you are into. This is harder but can be done. So you ever watch the Olympics? If you notice before every event there is a little story that show. This is because they know that in general women will watch something that have an emotional investment in. You got to do the same thing with the things you are interested in. 

Look at it like this the Wankel engine, it's cool because it has reciprocating pistons, it's continuous. But the guy who made it Felix Wankel didn't drive because he was so near sighted. Now if she is not into cars she is going to care about that probably as much as you are into bags, but what's important is that you explained to her why YOU care about it. You tried to make a connection. It wasn't just, "car is fast". It's this is why I think this is important. If you do that enough you will find things that she does find interesting. "I like it because it's so efficient, less parts. Generally I like efficiency don't you? Hey I know this is a stretch for you but listen to how different he engine sounds. (Bring up the YouTube clip of a continuously revving engine.) Admit that's kind of cool." Part of her is going to be like, whatever, but if she is a good wife she is going to be like. Wow he just opened up to me. He wants to share himself with me. Again Bingo, emotional connection. 

The general idea is if you do this enough you will start to learn about each other and have a point of reference for things that you absolutely both are interested in and will form a bond over. Conversation becomes easier at that point because it can be about why you or her likes this or that, and not this or that. It's the why that you really end up bonding over. Also if you know the kind of things she finds interesting and the reason why you can try to present your interests that match. 

It's in this though that you learn about her nature. You start to anticipate it, you start to see your role to be her husband. You see, the reason my wife works so hard and wants thing perfect is because she learned at a young age that that is what makes you worthy of love. But hey I don't think that. I think she is awesome. Next time she freaks out I am going to tell her that. "Hey I know your freaking out but you know what, as far as I am concerned I don't love you because of your achievements, I appreciate them but I love you for who you are, you don't have to do this for me."

Seriously I think one of the best things I can say to my wife. I know this because we have had many talks. I KNOW HER. I KNOW that a lot of her motivation in life is rightly or wrongly being worthy. Imagine how hard that is to live with every day? But also imagine what a awesome relief it is having that primary person in your life saying. "You don't have to worry about that with me, because you ARE worthy." See what I am saying. I GOT THIS. 

Now maybe that is it with your wife maybe it's something else. The point is this is what will happen if you emotionally communicate. And YOU CAN DO THIS! You just haven't learned how yet. That is your job. To learn how. You must be emotionally intelligent. If you want a good marriage you must learn to be emotionally intelligent. YOU CAN DO THAT. We are men we must do it. It's a challenge we all have to rise to. You are already doing that by posting this on here. Good for you. 

Finally to do this you have to be brave, no doubt about it. But you are a Marine, your brave enough. It's the same skill, it's being terrified and pushing forward anyway. At first it's going to feel weird, she may even ask "what are you doing", just say "I am trying to be closer to you. I know you want that so I am trying." I thinks she will be open to this because you are being honest and she has been honest with you. It gets easier, and trust me this will affect every relationship in your life for the better.

Your a ****ing man dude. You can do this.


----------



## msrv23 (Jul 14, 2017)

There are some great advices here.

As a woman who is more on the assertive side with the need to emotionally connect through mentally engaging conversations, I hope that my perspective can give some idea.

In my case I’m also the “head” of the marriage. But I don’t like it because it’s tiresome. I want equal say from both sides as a team, not equal as in genderless but equal in having a say on things.
My husband is also passive. He often left important decisions to me. But making decisions is hard because I need to do lots of learning and thinking and I often wanted to a partner on this.

Then just like many women, I want to have deeper conversations to feel connection. But my husband hardly engages my mind.

In the past I’ve wondered what is missing in our relationship? Maybe some romance? Maybe because I wanted his support and understanding in the worst times and he rather criticized?
Or maybe I should accept him for who he is, as someone not emotionally expressive or mentally engaged to intellectual talks.
For years I’ve wondered what’s missing and if I’m at fault. At some point I also started to resent it, because whenever I voiced my concerns he ignored them even if he said he’d improve. Worse is he often said it despite resenting and showing passive-aggressive acts.

Then something hits me. He has been in low mood for years because he has been unhappy with his career. He has been negative often, cynical and any small negative things would disrupt his mood.
His favorite topics have been about criticizing people he knows. He has a gray way of seeing life and hardly expresses gratitude for what he has.

I’m not a rainbow person but I’m assertive and grateful of life. I’m the kind of person who fixes her problems instead of passively complaining. I do complain about some things but stay up and be grateful.
But being with someone who is often negative and critical, how can we form emotional connection?

I’m also someone who constantly reads. It kind of sucks to want to share it with someone but the other person barely reacts. I guess it’s frustrating for him too. But sometimes I wonder how to connect and not emotionally starve when we have less and less in common.

It is not the husband’s fault for having a different personality. But so it’s not the wife’s fault. Just like low drives and high drives when it comes to sex, no one is at fault but probably both are miserable.
I guess what I want to say here to OP is how you must not assume as your fault. But your wife would probably appreciate it if you show concern and real intent to care for her emotionally. What hurts me is how my husband said he cared but in action it showed dismissing and belittling.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Brilliant post.




sokillme said:


> The next thing you need to do is give her an emotional reason for her to care about what you are into. This is harder but can be done. So you ever watch the Olympics? If you notice before every event there is a little story that show. This is because they know that in general women will watch something that have an emotional investment in. You got to do the same thing with the things you are interested in.


This was exactly how my ex got me hooked on college basketball. I had nothing against sports, just no real interest in it. He gave me the program and told me to read the profiles about the players. One was from the ghetto with a single mother and was the first ever in his family to go to college. One was from europe and really academic and working on two complex degrees while playing college ball. One was from some village in Africa where family members were killed and still learning English... you get the idea. Suddenly they were not just "some guys" playing ball, they were my little flock and I had to know how they were doing. (The amazing athleticism, beer and friends didn't hurt either. ;-) )

Of course I had to be willing to be open minded to attending some games and reading the profiles. I see a lot of couples, and have experienced being with guys like this and probably done it myself, where they ridicule their partner's "stupid, boring interests" instead of exploring them to learn more about their partner. I've been on the receiving end of that and it's really deflating.



sokillme said:


> Look at it like this the Wankel engine, it's cool because it has reciprocating pistons, it's continuous. But the guy who made it Felix Wankel didn't drive because he was so near sighted. Now if she is not into cars she is going to care about that probably as much as you are into bags, but what's important is that you explained to her why YOU care about it. You tried to make a connection. It wasn't just, "car is fast". It's this is why I think this is important. If you do that enough you will find things that she does find interesting. "I like it because it's so efficient, less parts. Generally I like efficiency don't you? Hey I know this is a stretch for you but listen to how different he engine sounds. (Bring up the YouTube clip of a continuously revving engine.) Admit that's kind of cool." Part of her is going to be like, whatever, but if she is a good wife she is going to be like. Wow he just opened up to me. He wants to share himself with me. Again Bingo, emotional connection.


Now I have to look up Wankel engines!

I just watched a YouTube video by a psychologist who explained that studies have shown that (on average) men are 80% more interested in THINGS whereas women are 80% more interested in PEOPLE. Right after learning that my guy who is totally into three wheelers, quads, and those things was hanging out with a friend trying to find something to watch on TV. They found some "moto world" channel. Right as I thought was "how sad, there's really slim pickings on TV. Don't we get the Hallmark channel or something interesting?" They cheered and high fived each other.

I know nothing about those machines and the terms they use are Greek to me. It amazed me this weekend to see about 5 guys gathering around a 3 wheeler pointing at things and saying all these numbers and stuff. I'm not naturally interested in "things" but I'm interested in my guy so I asked "what are you guys looking at exactly that you can walk up and say "Whoa, that's a 1977 450 hybrid two stroke outboard diesel blah blah blah that thing must do great at blah blah blah..." He started explaining some things and pros and cons of different features and it was REALLY interesting. I now know the difference between a two stroke and a four stroke, AND CHECK THIS OUT, I understand the obvious difference in what the motors sound like and why. I'd never had a clue how someone could recognize the sound of a VEHICLE before!

Anyhow it was a great conversation, I got my desire to have his attention and talk fulfilled and was totally impressed by what he knew and he got to talk about something he was truly passionate about and teach me things. It was interesting to me because he is so into it and I am into him. And then I can also turn the conversation to more "people" oriented stuff that interests me even more. How old were you when you first got into this? How did you afford your first bike? pretty soon he's telling me all about his childhood adventures!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are two books that I think would help you and your wife figure out how to restructure your relationship to build a stronger and more passionate one.

The books are "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them in that order and do the work that they say to do. The idea is to first identify the love busters, the things that each of you do that are killing your relationship, and then stop doing them. Then in the "His Needs, Her Needs" book you both work together to identify your (hers & yours) needs and how to meet them. If she will not read them with you, then you can read them and do the work to get the process started.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

@msrv23, I think you should read the books Elegirl recommended (His needs her needs and Love Busters). And see if you can get your husband to read them too. I felt just like you -- Am I too needy? What is wrong with me that I wasn't fulfilled and didn't get responses/reactions. After reading those I learned many things. Like it's not ok to belittle. And my "needs" were not AT ALL out of line, in fact, I'm a lot less needy that many women.

Of course... I'm divorced now... (but happy.  )

PS your husband is probably jealous of your mind to some extent and feels insecure and that drives the criticism of you and others. That doesn't make it less acceptable or annoying, just an explanation.


----------

