# is there chance of reconciling if we separate?



## seekingaadvice (May 28, 2012)

I'll make this as brief as possible, just looking for some input. I have been married to my h for about a year and we have been together for 6 years. We have always fought, but worked through our conflicts, although at times things were particularly nasty. We talked about all of this before we got married and agreed that we were very much in love and had been together for 5 years...also that we had been committed for a while and nothing was going to change that. A few months after we got married we started fighting and having communication issues on a daily basis. I wanted to see a counselor but he did not. I was angry about this and the general situation and was mean and hurtful to him verbally. Eventually, he began to tell me that he now thought we should seek help, and at that point I said no. I was hurt from before and bitter. Obviously, this was a mistake. About 5 months ago he told me that things had gotten to the point where he had lost trust and shut off emotionally, and he was reconsidering the relationship. At this point I became painfully aware of how my behavior was affecting us and apologized and agreed to go to counseling. Unfortunately, our therapist was incredibly unhelpful and we decided not to see him anymore. I wanted to go to somebody else, but my h didn't. For the last 5 months we have been getting along great, and my h says we are best friends, but he can't see anything beyond that. He says that he is attracted to me very much, but won't go there because he isn't emotionally connected to me in that way anymore. I am still in love with him and feel that if we are best friends and there is attraction between us, as well as the fact that we were madly in love for multiple years that we should continue to try to work on our relationship. My h feels that there is too much blocking off his heart and he wants to split up. However, he keeps saying things like "life is long, you never know what will happen," and "I care about you more than you know." He wants to stay friends, but I can't do that without hope for the future. At this point, he is planning to go stay with a friend, and is thinking about keeping in touch with potential hope while still personally moving on and maybe even dating (all at my suggestion to help give space). I am ok with this if it is my only option. I just don't know what to do, and I really want things to work out between us. I have changed my negative attitude since the real problems started, but my h is afraid that is isn't real and I'm only doing it because of the threat of losing him. Sadly, I have been surprised at how easy it has been to change my behavior. I feel much better and more confident as a person, and wish I would have acted sooner. I have agreed to go to therapy individually to prove myself. Many of these problems were a product of my anxiety, and we both know that. I would like very much to build a new foundation, but my h doesn't have faith in this. Is there any hope for us?


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

There is always hope. Counseling can help you through exercises to see how things affect one another and help with a plan.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## seekingaadvice (May 28, 2012)

The problem is that he won't go to counseling. He is saying that there is no chance. That he misses the good times but can't get over the fact that it is tainted with bad. I am looking for my own place. I'm devastated. Does stuff like this ever come back around? I am willing to explore other options but can't get rid of this as a possibility, I have way too much invested.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

It'll never work unless BOTH sides want it to. I went through this. All you can do is try everything you know and see if he responds. I watched that movie "Fireproof" and did "The Love Dare", read the book The 5 Love Languages and even got her to read it. At the time I really didn't have any idea how she'd respond. But I decided to do those things for me if not anything. And even though it didn't pan out for me, I'm ever grateful I did those things. Because I know deep down I did everything I could.

Good luck!!!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

seekingaadvice said:


> The problem is that he won't go to counseling. He is saying that there is no chance. That he misses the good times but can't get over the fact that it is tainted with bad. I am looking for my own place. I'm devastated. Does stuff like this ever come back around? I am willing to explore other options but can't get rid of this as a possibility, I have way too much invested.


It can come back around. Do IC and keep the option for MC there for both of you.

Go to counseling for yourself. You can't change people, only yourself and sometimes when we show change, the other changes from seeing you as an example of how to change in the right way. Be a role model.

I heard there was no chance, well that is now proven untrue. In my case she made the 5% bad times the biggest part of our history, which wasn't true. 95% was good and is probably 98% now.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

seekingaadvice said:


> He wants to stay friends, but I can't do that without hope for the future. At this point, he is planning to go stay with a friend, and is thinking about keeping in touch with potential hope while still personally moving on and maybe even dating (all at my suggestion to help give space).



Everyone's situation is different, but my experience has been that the physical separation has made things more difficult. My STBXH moved out 5 months ago and, in that time, we have seen/communicated with each other very infrequently. Unfortunately, there is an OW involved which, pretty much, has killed any possibilities of reconciliation. 

Of course, like others said, it takes TWO. And both have to give 100%. Dating others is not giving 100%.


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## seekingaadvice (May 28, 2012)

I know it's stupid, but little things are holding me back, like what to do about my name. I changed it when we got married,and not it's a complicated and annoying situation with work where I need to use it a lot. Maybe I should hold off since we aren't legally able to get divorced for at least 5 months? Or use both last names so it will be less complicated to get rid of 1 if it comes to that?


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

It sounds like you aren't quite ready to make a firm decision yet about your marriage. It's normal. 

The little things will figure themselves out when you are ready. But only you will know when that occurs.


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## seekingaadvice (May 28, 2012)

Today he brought me separation papers. We talked for hours and he cried. I told him that I was moving on, but not closing the door in case anything were to happen in the future - basically that I wasn't ruling it out as an option but that other options were on the table as well. He said that for now things were over and that he wasn't going to talk about the future but he understands where I'm coming from. He says that we both need time to ourselves and that he cares but is not in love with me. I just don't know how to play this. I guess I just need to move on and hope for the best. I told him that I didn't want to talk about our history again and that we should just forget about labeling things and be individuals. Any advice is appreciated.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Did you all discuss what the end goal of this separation is? It's either reconciliation or divorce. Otherwise, you'll live in limbo indefinitely.


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## seekingaadvice (May 28, 2012)

Well obviously he wants a divorce right now, and I don't want a divorce right now...so setting things in stone doesn't really work in my favor at the moment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nod (Jul 2, 2012)

Sounds like there could be another woman involved. I would start the spying, as he may be putting this on you, but it's really him....


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## seekingaadvice (May 28, 2012)

There is not another woman. I know everybody always thinks that is the case, and I'm sure it is a lot of the time, but I know that is not what's going on here.


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## toonewlywed (Jul 17, 2012)

You wanting to get individual counseling is the best thing you can do! If it is meant to be, it will be. Let him go; if he comes back to you it's real. He is just emotionally drained. Trying to hold on to him now will only do more damage. And if you do end up getting back with him or anyone else for that matter, the ic will help you be a better mate.


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