# Well, I'm an idiot.



## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

Hi All. SO, I have posted a couple times regarding my separation. We have been separated 7 weeks and he's tried to blame me for it even though he's the one who made the final decision and without any try of reconciliation. Every single person said..there's someone else. And I believed him when he said there wasn't. I'm an idiot.

I received a little nugget of information yesterday that gave me all the info I needed. A friend of mine's husband worked very briefly for the same company as stbxh (one week then got a better job offer). They are both maintenance supers for apartment complexes. Well, friend's husband had to shadow someone else (stbxh's counterpart at the other property) and as they are on their way to stbxh's property the guy tell's friend's husband, "When you get there, don't let this guy get to you because he's an ahole. He's got problems, man. Running around on his wife with people at the property, hates his life, always looking for something to argue about." Now, friend's husband had no clue the guy was stbxh until he saw a picture on facebook.

So, really, that's all I needed to know. It's heartbreaking because this was my best friend. The pull away and turn into a stranger...and so cold... well, it's been so hurtful. When I confronted him with the info (I texted him asking if I needed to get tested for stds or did he use protection) he made sure to let me know that he'd only been with someone "the day after you and I were last together". I don't know how someone can just...change. I hate this.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Hang in there. You'll be much better off without him in your life. It gets better with some time and distance.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Of course you need to get tested.

And why do people change? Maybe he didn't. Maybe he was always like this and the fog of love didn't let you see it?


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## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

Bananapeel said:


> Hang in there. You'll be much better off without him in your life. It gets better with some time and distance.


He moved out yesterday. And there's some relief there but then I feel like I'm kicked in the teeth by frustration. That he felt he could mess around, leave me for this person and come out on top. It's all I can do to not actively seek revenge. I won't, of course, but I want the smug face gone.


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## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

Chris Taylor said:


> Of course you need to get tested.
> 
> And why do people change? Maybe he didn't. Maybe he was always like this and the fog of love didn't let you see it?


Well, we were together 6 years. 5 of those were pretty amazing...the last year...I felt the pull away every single day. So, maybe he was trying to be this faithful family man that he portrayed and in the end just needed to go back to who he was before we married (he had cheated on his first wife).


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## Síocháin (Mar 11, 2016)

I can relate to a STBXH with a smug face. It makes you just want to slap it off of him. But here's the thing, karma. Karma will take care of it for you. Do not do anything out of revenge. He is not worth it. 

I took the high road. I went dark and if anyone asks me, I just say all I wish for him is happiness. I have not said one negative word about him to mutual people we know. I have 2 BFFs that know how I really feel. It's just not worth it sinking to their level. Remember, it's not about you, it's about him. Although that is hard to understand when you're in the middle of it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ChipperE said:


> Hi All. SO, I have posted a couple times regarding my separation. We have been separated 7 weeks and he's tried to blame me for it even though he's the one who made the final decision and without any try of reconciliation. Every single person said..there's someone else. And I believed him when he said there wasn't. I'm an idiot.
> 
> I received a little nugget of information yesterday that gave me all the info I needed. A friend of mine's husband worked very briefly for the same company as stbxh (one week then got a better job offer). They are both maintenance supers for apartment complexes. Well, friend's husband had to shadow someone else (stbxh's counterpart at the other property) and as they are on their way to stbxh's property the guy tell's friend's husband, "When you get there, don't let this guy get to you because he's an ahole. He's got problems, man. Running around on his wife with people at the property, hates his life, always looking for something to argue about." Now, friend's husband had no clue the guy was stbxh until he saw a picture on facebook.
> 
> So, really, that's all I needed to know. It's heartbreaking because this was my best friend. The pull away and turn into a stranger...and so cold... well, it's been so hurtful. When I confronted him with the info (I texted him asking if I needed to get tested for stds or did he use protection) he made sure to let me know that he'd only been with someone "the day after you and I were last together". I don't know how someone can just...change. I hate this.


I'm sorry. You will get a better best friend though one day.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

You're not an idiot. You're human. We all want to--and frequently do--see the people that we love in the most positive light. We dismiss or minimize their character flaws. I mean, that's a big part of what it means to love a human being: you see them in the most positive light, despite their flaws. You have to, to be able to maintain a relationship with another human being over the course of years, decades.

Don't beat yourself up about this. He's the bad guy, not you. Don't punish yourself for his bad behavior. Be glad that this loser is out of your life, and you're not going to waste another minute of your valuable time on him. And now that you have the proof, then that might help you move on faster. You deserve so much better than this BS.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I felt like an idiot too when I found out my husband was cheating. But that only lasted about a half a second then I was just pissed off.

I am very sorry this happened and that your husband is an idiot. You aren't - you're just a trusting person. Maybe a little less trusting now though.

And DO get tested for STD's.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think most of us feel like idiots when we find out they're cheating. I certainly did. 

He cheated on his first wife? He's just reverting to type. He sustained it as long as he could with you but some cheaters never change.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

you have just gotten wise...rejoice in that, and make your life better one day at a time....there will come a point he will regret his actions and he will have to live with that.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

ouch. if feel for you for the pain you endure. may the karma bus run his a$$ over. come to think of it, back up and run him over again.

hold your head high and as you find a new path. hug.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Chipper,

You are not an idiot, he is an idiot for throwing your trust and loyalty into the trash. You did nothing wrong, and you have no obligation to keep his secrets for him, expose him to the world. Gather evidence and email/etc it to everyone in his life who matters.

Tamat


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

We all want to believe our spouse when they assure us there is no one else. We don't want to believe the person we love could do that. But more often than not, they could and did do that. Does that make us idiots? No, that makes us trusting. But once trust is abused it's usually difficult to get back -- whether we R with the cheater or move on and try to trust someone new. That betrayal can stick around even when they are gone. It did for me. I hope it doesn't for you.


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## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

Thanks to you all for the kind words. This man, the one I thought was my soul mate, well...now he's just a mean person. He goes from one extreme to another. In one single text exchange (where I had to contact him to get the payoff amount on my car, in his name, that I am trading in) he went from "I'm not calling the bank" to "stop f'ing bothering me" to "I'm sorry it took me so long, I'm busy today". In a 10 minute period. His emotions are out of control and so he's taking it out on me. 

I don't know when I became his enemy. That hurts more than it all. Just the way he speaks to me when I haven't done anything to deserve it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

While you had value to him, he acted one way. Now that you don't, he's acting the way he really is. A ****.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ChipperE said:


> Well, we were together 6 years. 5 of those were pretty amazing...the last year...I felt the pull away every single day. So, maybe he was trying to be this faithful family man that he portrayed and in the end just needed to go back to *who he was before we married (he had cheated on his first wife).*


Well there you go.

He didn't just "change" into a cheating d**chebag -- that's who he always was.


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## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

So, here's the update: Last night he starts texting me saying he's sorry for what he's put me through and wanted me to know "the only reason I even went through with all this was because I am so f'ing stubborn. I'm so sorry I hurt you". Of course I don't respond then he's telling me "I want you to know i would give up everything I know or will ever have if I could go back to our wedding day. Please don't reply to this, just let the dying horse die." Then he texts me a random question about a bill due date, then he sends "I know I've talked alot of sh*t to make you feel bad about yourself, but the real truth is you are the best I have ever had and probably will again. I just wanted you to know that you are amazing."

This morning we go from him asking me to send him a electronic copy of his "favorite wedding picture" to him saying he's sorry he hurt me and now it's backfiring on him because he is unhappy, to saying he wants to wait to file on our divorce until our 6 month separation, "and if we are both still in agreement then I will file. But I just can't bring myself to do it right now.". Then..how much he loves kissing me. And it just goes from there. Thoughts on this? Wtf is this man trying to do?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Chipper, I'd just go and file if I were you. He's all over the map. Don't leave action in his hands or you'll be in limbo land for longer than is sane. The only person that should be in control of your destiny is you.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

This sort of mixed signals is common. If you are intent on divorcing him just reply to the pertinent business messages and ignore/delete the rest. He'll get the hint eventually.


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## golfpanther (Nov 30, 2016)

ChipperE said:


> So, here's the update: Last night he starts texting me saying he's sorry for what he's put me through and wanted me to know "the only reason I even went through with all this was because I am so f'ing stubborn. I'm so sorry I hurt you". Of course I don't respond then he's telling me "I want you to know i would give up everything I know or will ever have if I could go back to our wedding day. Please don't reply to this, just let the dying horse die." Then he texts me a random question about a bill due date, then he sends "I know I've talked alot of sh*t to make you feel bad about yourself, but the real truth is you are the best I have ever had and probably will again. I just wanted you to know that you are amazing."
> 
> This morning we go from him asking me to send him a electronic copy of his "favorite wedding picture" to him saying he's sorry he hurt me and now it's backfiring on him because he is unhappy, to saying he wants to wait to file on our divorce until our 6 month separation, "and if we are both still in agreement then I will file. But I just can't bring myself to do it right now.". Then..how much he loves kissing me. And it just goes from there. Thoughts on this? Wtf is this man trying to do?


Sounds like he's in the bargaining stage. He's probably feeling a lot of guilt about his past actions (cheating, etc.) and wants to relieve some of that by reaching out to you with kind words (i.e. the kissing, telling you that you're the best he's ever had).

It's his process, but it's negatively affecting you and you'll need to put a stop to it. I went through something similar with my STBXW but in reverse. Instead of kind words, it was a lot of emotionally draining and hurtful texts, but the goal for both is the same—relief from the pain of how the relationship got to this point.

From what you've posted, he sounds like he has a tremendous amount of work to do on himself. First, tell him the texts need to stop. Regardless of how you feel about the relationship (working on it vs. wanting it to end), the texts are only serving him and not you. In my situation, I still want to work on things but I had to tell my STBXW to cut it out because it was so emotionally damaging. Think of yourself and how to make it easier for you!

After that you have to decide what you want from the situation. If R is desired on your part then figure out a plan for what you'd want that to be like. Tell him and if he agrees, great, move forward with it. If he says no then just file for divorce. Obviously, if you want divorce you need to just move forward with it on your own.

The trickiest situation is if your do want to work on things and he responds with something like, "maybe, but i need more time." If that happens, I'd say either move forward with the divorce or if you're comfortable, set a certain amount of time you're willing to give him. Six months is way too long and if you grant him that you know the texts will continue throughout the entire time. Figure out what you're comfortable with, but I'd say no more than a month. During that time, tell him that all contact needs to cease unless it's about moving forward in some tangible way, be it R or D. If he balks and/or tries to contact you about other things during that time, just ignore it.

Just try to regain some control over the situation so you can move forward one way or another. Hope it gets easier for you!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ChipperE said:


> So, here's the update: Last night he starts texting me saying he's sorry for what he's put me through and wanted me to know "the only reason I even went through with all this was because I am so f'ing stubborn. I'm so sorry I hurt you". Of course I don't respond then he's telling me "I want you to know i would give up everything I know or will ever have if I could go back to our wedding day. Please don't reply to this, just let the dying horse die." Then he texts me a random question about a bill due date, then he sends "I know I've talked alot of sh*t to make you feel bad about yourself, but the real truth is you are the best I have ever had and probably will again. I just wanted you to know that you are amazing."
> 
> This morning we go from him asking me to send him a electronic copy of his "favorite wedding picture" to him saying he's sorry he hurt me and now it's backfiring on him because he is unhappy, to saying he wants to wait to file on our divorce until our 6 month separation, "and if we are both still in agreement then I will file. But I just can't bring myself to do it right now.". Then..how much he loves kissing me. And it just goes from there. Thoughts on this? Wtf is this man trying to do?


Sounds like he's discovered that the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence.

That or he got dumped.

Either way, things aren't going the way he'd hoped, his world is imploding, and now he's hoping to sweet talk his way back into your heart.

Don't fall for it. He's a serial cheat -- he'll never change.

If you've not done so already, file for divorce and don't look back.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

ChipperE said:


> *He moved out yesterday*. And there's some relief there but then I feel like I'm kicked in the teeth by frustration. That he felt he could mess around, leave me for this person and come out on top. It's all I can do to not actively seek revenge. I won't, of course, but I want the smug face gone.


He told you he had sex with someone only after he moved out?

He moved out yesterday.

He had his hand in her "till" for a long time. Women, even loose women need grooming prior to PIV.

He is lying.

You are now 190 lbs lighter. You shed a big hairball....... stbxh.

Sorry you are here.

Good Luck! Actually, this is good luck. You now are free again. Enjoy your life, forward.


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## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

Thanks to you all for the feedback! So, I decided to put it on the line. I asked myself...what would it take for me to want to reconcile with him? My answer was separation and counseling while living separately. He'd just sent a message telling me he didn't think I would want to be with him after he was with someone else. 

So I sent a message: "I know this is hard on all of us. I will tell you that I would consider working on this if we would live apart a minimum of 3 months and go to counseling while we are separate. I'm just telling you what it would take on my end."

Him:' I understand but I don't agree. I don't want to go tell my problems to someone. I guess my stubbornness will take me to my grave."

Me: "Okay, just know that most men are nervous about counseling. If you tried it you could leave it if you didn't like it." 

Him "I'm not trying it."

So, there goes my answer. At least I know now.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

ChipperE said:


> So, here's the update: Last night he starts texting me saying he's sorry for what he's put me through and wanted me to know "the only reason I even went through with all this was because I am so f'ing stubborn. I'm so sorry I hurt you". Of course I don't respond then he's telling me "I want you to know i would give up everything I know or will ever have if I could go back to our wedding day. Please don't reply to this, just let the dying horse die." Then he texts me a random question about a bill due date, then he sends "I know I've talked alot of sh*t to make you feel bad about yourself, but the real truth is you are the best I have ever had and probably will again. I just wanted you to know that you are amazing."
> 
> This morning we go from him asking me to send him a electronic copy of his "favorite wedding picture" to him saying he's sorry he hurt me and now it's backfiring on him because he is unhappy, to saying he wants to wait to file on our divorce until our 6 month separation, "and if we are both still in agreement then I will file. But I just can't bring myself to do it right now.". Then..how much he loves kissing me. And it just goes from there. Thoughts on this? Wtf is this man trying to do?


It's all manipulation, you know that, right? He's doing a hot/cold push/pull so that you will be an option in case he ends up without an OW and needs to come crawling back to you while he looks for the next available sucker.

Communicate only about business an stop trying to do the pick me dance for a man that has a history of cheating in both of his marriages. He is who he is and he isn't a faithful man.


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## golfpanther (Nov 30, 2016)

ChipperE said:


> Thanks to you all for the feedback! So, I decided to put it on the line. I asked myself...what would it take for me to want to reconcile with him? My answer was separation and counseling while living separately. He'd just sent a message telling me he didn't think I would want to be with him after he was with someone else.
> 
> So I sent a message: "I know this is hard on all of us. I will tell you that I would consider working on this if we would live apart a minimum of 3 months and go to counseling while we are separate. I'm just telling you what it would take on my end."
> 
> ...


Sigh, yeah that is really stubborn and stupid on his part. But like you said, now you know. It's so frustrating to hear that you're willing to give him a chance after cheating, while so many other people out there would do just about anything for that opportunity.

Are you going to go ahead and file now? I know it sucks, but it's what's needed. His issues won't get sorted out merely by the passage of time.

Sending positive thoughts your way. I know it's hard but good work being honest about what you needed even if it didn't go the way you wanted.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

ChipperE said:


> Thanks to you all for the feedback! So, I decided to put it on the line. I asked myself...what would it take for me to want to reconcile with him? My answer was separation and counseling while living separately. He'd just sent a message telling me he didn't think I would want to be with him after he was with someone else.
> 
> So I sent a message: "I know this is hard on all of us. I will tell you that I would consider working on this if we would live apart a minimum of 3 months and go to counseling while we are separate. I'm just telling you what it would take on my end."
> 
> ...


If he really wanted to save the marriage, he would be willing to do anything and everything. Asking him to go to counseling is a pretty standard request. You're not asking him to go on a questto retrieve a magical ring and throw it into the fires of Mordor.

You're better off without this loser. Go get you a lawyer and file ASAP.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ChipperE said:


> Thanks to you all for the feedback! So, I decided to put it on the line. I asked myself...what would it take for me to want to reconcile with him? My answer was separation and counseling while living separately. He'd just sent a message telling me he didn't think I would want to be with him after he was with someone else.
> 
> So I sent a message: "I know this is hard on all of us. I will tell you that I would consider working on this if we would live apart a minimum of 3 months and go to counseling while we are separate. I'm just telling you what it would take on my end."
> 
> ...


Good.

Never forget.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

ChipperE said:


> So, here's the update: Last night he starts texting me saying he's sorry for what he's put me through


Universal BS Translator: You're hurt, therefore the socially expected thing for me to do is say sorry. Hope you fall for it even if I don't mean it.



ChipperE said:


> and wanted me to know "the only reason I even went through with all this was because I am so f'ing stubborn. I'm so sorry I hurt you".


UBT: I'd rather destroy your life than admit I was wrong about something. I better repeat my apology again so it sounds real.



ChipperE said:


> then he's telling me "I want you to know i would give up everything I know or will ever have if I could go back to our wedding day.


What can I say that would make you forget what I did? Let's try something sappy, women love that. Not that I would ever ACTUALLY do or give up anything. I won't even try counselling.



ChipperE said:


> Please don't reply to this, just let the dying horse die."


UBT: drama drama drama so you know I'm serious. Plus, this way, when you don't answer, I can believe it's because I told you not to, not because you just didn't bother.



ChipperE said:


> Then he texts me a random question about a bill due date,


UBT: This normal real life thing needs doing, I better ask now before I forget. Obviously you are the responsible one and I can still rely on you to help me with my irresponsibility.



ChipperE said:


> then he sends "I know I've talked alot of sh*t to make you feel bad about yourself, but the real truth is you are the best I have ever had and probably will again. I just wanted you to know that you are amazing."


UBT: It's been a while since I said something sappy, you might be starting to come to your senses if I don't try to lure you back in with compliments. I hope you believe them even if I don't.



ChipperE said:


> This morning we go from him asking me to send him a electronic copy of his "favorite wedding picture"


UBT: I like to keep trophies of my failed relationships so I can look at them later and rewrite the past until the relationship failure is all your fault.



ChipperE said:


> to him saying he's sorry he hurt me and now it's backfiring on him because he is unhappy,


UBT: All this blather is to make you feel sorry for me and my sad sausage unhappiness. Besides, it's okay if I hurt you as long as you know I'm hurting now too. How long has it been since I tried to convince you I was sorry? I better say it again.



ChipperE said:


> to saying he wants to wait to file on our divorce until our 6 month separation, "and if we are both still in agreement then I will file. But I just can't bring myself to do it right now.".


UBT: that sounds like too much work. Either you'll do the work for me, or you'll change her mind about divorce. We'll see if my affair is still going strong in six months, or if I need you back. Either way, win for me.



ChipperE said:


> Then..how much he loves kissing me?


UBT: I still get hard thinking about you, plus I just like being kissed. And maybe you'll come kiss me again when I'm lonely because I've convinced you it will work to lure me back.


You can spend far too long trying to deconstruct the meaning behind his words, or you can accept that it's all manipulative self-absorbed bunk designed to keep you on the hook as a backup relationship, and evict him from taking up room in your mental real-estate that you could be using for better things. Like proceeding with the divorce.

I'd also be wary about telling him you'd consider reconciliation if he attended counselling. He might be rejecting it now, but if he senses you becoming more distant, he might give it a half-hearted try, or even just lie to you about being in counselling. You're like a toy a child no longer wants to play with, but won't get rid of because it still belongs to him and in case he might want it again some day. He'll do whatever it takes to keep you on that shelf, waiting.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What is he doing? Well, he could be finding life out there isn't quite as good as he thought it was -- maybe his gf broke up with him -- and he's angling to come home.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm not surprised he doesn't want counseling (if he were really remorseful he'd do anything you wanted to have a shot at R). He's a serial cheater. Those are hard to change. 

He's shown you who he is. Believe him.


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