# Confused as hell



## now_what (Sep 17, 2008)

I previously posted under the thread Dumped by email after 30 years but went in and deleted my personal information. To sum things up, my husband left me after 30 years of marriage for another woman (a biker chick he had known for two months at the time). He sent me an email while I was at work stating that he had moved out of the house. He would not speak to me or see me for over four months - he would only email - although he did speak to and see our children (25, 23, 15).

Our first face to face meeting was at his attorney's office two weeks ago. It was kind of awkward yet I held it together pretty good. We had worked out an agreement for dissolution (by email) and were just going to have his attorney file it. I chose not to have counsel because after phone consultations with an attorney I decided that it would serve no purpose. In our agreement, I am getting much more than usual in a dissolution and everything pretty much worked out to my advantage. 

Anyway, we went back to the attorney last week to sign the papers to be filed with the court. There were changes that needed to be made to the original document we reviewed - and I had told myself that I would not sign anything that first day, I would have to read it later at home. At that meeting things were much more relaxed - we pretty much talked like nothing had really happened between us - talked about work, the kids, etc. If a person did not know why we were there, they would not have guessed that it was to get our marriage dissolved. 

Now here's the confusion. I asked the attorney what would happen at the court hearing and he went through everything. He said the judge will ask if we both want the marriage dissolved. I will be lying if I say that I do want it dissolved - I don't. This is pretty much being forced upon me by my husband because he "thinks" he wants a new life with his new love. I strongly feel that he is having a midlife crisis and will come to his senses one of these days. He is now actually calling me if he wants to tell me something (instead of hiding behind email). In fact he called me twice on Friday because he was injured at work (he slipped on ice and cracked his head open requiring 12 stitches). The first time was to tell me he was on his way to the hospital in an ambulance and did he still have insurance, the second time was to tell me he was ok, except for the stitches. When he called me the first time, my first thought was "oh, I need to get to the hospital". Then I remembered , "oh, yeah, you didn't want to be with my anymore and are living with another woman". 

I'm torn between thinking maybe there is still a chance that things can work out somehow (although I can't ignore the fact that he is still with her) and thinking, ok, this can work, we can still be friends yet go on with our separate lives. 

I don't know if I should speak up in court and say that I don't want the dissolution or just go along with it and move forward with my life, whatever that might bring.

Could someone please help bring some perspective to this situation?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

you can still desolve things but let him know that you will leave the option open down the road, if you are open.

draconis


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## scooter (Feb 7, 2009)

hard to say, to me it depends on how well you feel you've let him know that you really want to work things out with him. If you haven't, is there a way that you can do so without throwing a wrench in everything?

The flipside is, there's nothing saying that you can't work things out later either. So, and I know you're not doing this, as long as there's not bridges burned you're keeping that option available. 

Just some thoughts to try and help give you things to consder.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

I wouldn't bring it up in court...afterall you are there to dissolve the marriage, but I would tell him prior to that day what you are feeling and thinking. The lined of communication are opening again, and he may feel that there is no way you would take him back after all of this. You need to let him know how you feel, but not in court. If you feel you need to answer the question honestly in court, maybe an answer like this would be appropriate, "This seems to be the only option, so yes. I want this marriage dissolved."


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

Why not be open and honest? What trouble can that get you in? In court if you say you have hopes for the marriage? You can explain there is no reason now since he isn't there, but the end of your marriage is a one sided decision....right?
I would hate for him to come to his senses and not say anything since you agree to the end in court. Men can be a little slow in this area (reading your mind, asking for forgivness, admitting they are wrong).
I am sorry - but this does suck for you.
Good luck.
God Bless


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## now_what (Sep 17, 2008)

Thanks for the advice from all - not sure what I'm going to do yet. Sometimes I feel like just hiding in bed until this is all over or maybe waking up to just find out it was a nightmare. This is certainly not what I wanted at this point in my life. I try to remain positive and be strong and confident, other times I just feel like sh** and break into tears numerous times a day for no real reason other than sadness.


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

I am sorry you are going through that, I just posted my situation with my wife so I know it hurts. The hard part for me would be knowing that he was with someone else, if I found out my wife was with another guy I dont think I could let that go. If you were to get back together could you trust him again, could you let it go? I have been married 15 years and her being with another guy is my number one fear it keeps me up at night, but if I knew it were true it would hurt but I think it would allow me to move on. Lets hope I am not faced with such a decision. I agree that if you want to stay with your husband that you should tell him prior to court. I think if it gets that far your husband will be there expecting it to be over and speaking up then will just cause anger and not help anything.

Hang in there.


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## now_what (Sep 17, 2008)

I know he would be ticked if I did speak up in court and say this is not what I want. I think I will tell him one more time beforehand that this still is not what I want - but I have not really been given a choice, especially since he is living with another woman. It just shows that he is not thinking clearly - this woman let him move in with her after only knowing him for two months (so he says). What does that say about her character. In past years, he would have thought someone who did that was stupid. He never has answered my question whether she has a job or not. When we met at the attorney's office, he had hickeys on both sides of his neck - how juvenile - like she was marking "her property" or something. I don't feel this is very becoming for a 53 year old man who holds a professional type job. 

I guess I just can't let this go easily - even though I was not happy with him for a good while before he left. We have been together since I was 16 years old (I just turned 50). It just doesn't seem fair to change the game plan in what I thought was only the middle of the game. It seems like there still should be something there to work on. He has started talking to me again, and if anyone heard us, they would never know that anything was wrong. He has said that he didn't hate me, but that his feelings had changed. 

Maybe I should just let him go and focus on my future whatever that may be. Maybe he will come to his senses one day, but there is always the chance it will be too late.


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## now_what (Sep 17, 2008)

I just saw my court case listed online for the first time. My hearing is scheduled for March 30 for 10 whole minutes. It makes me sick - 30 years over in 10 minutes. What a waste.


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

now_what said:


> I just saw my court case listed online for the first time. My hearing is scheduled for March 30 for 10 whole minutes. It makes me sick - 30 years over in 10 minutes. What a waste.


I am so sorry for the way you are feeling. I am not YET where you are but I have a feeling that I will be.


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