# Resent wife for withholding sex



## MaybeItsMe? (Oct 26, 2011)

This isn't really about the lack of sex, I think I am passed that now but has anyone resented their so for withholding effection because you know they are doing it out of spite to hurt you?

My wife is uBPD, 3 months ago I asked her to pay for an item of mine she had used. It was only $25, I just said "as you are using it, do you mind paying for it this month?" 

Anyway that caused all sorts of issues and since then she has been undecided if she wants to be with me etc etc. This is her usual thing to be honest, but it has gone on for 3 months now and she has not so much as kissed me in that time. I know in her mind what I did was terrible and as a BPD sufferer she is always in debt etc so Money is a big deal to her but sometimes I wonder if she actually enjoys the drama? So back to my question

Do any of you resent your so for withholding effection because they seem to be doing it out of spite or to hurt you?

Ps

I know she wants sex as she has been looking at porn / anal sex videos.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

If she's undiagnosed how do you know? Are you a psychiatrist? 

What sort of financial arrangement do you have with your wife? Do you keep your finances separate? It seems strange to ask your spouse to pay if your money is pooled together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MaybeItsMe? (Oct 26, 2011)

I have a long history with this woman and a number of posts on the forum. Read my list of Hell and you'll understand why I and a number of people think she has BPD. We don't pool our money, I pay for the house, food, upkeep, 50% of the bills. As she has terrible spending issues we can't pool our money, we would end up bankrupt.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

MaybeItsMe? said:


> This isn't really about the lack of sex, I think I am passed that now but has anyone resented their so for withholding effection because you know they are doing it out of spite to hurt you?
> 
> My wife is uBPD, 3 months ago I asked her to pay for an item of mine she had used. It was only $25, I just said "as you are using it, do you mind paying for it this month?"
> 
> ...


My dogs love to watch traffic but none of them have the slightest desire to drive.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

MaybeItsMe? said:


> I know she wants sex as she has been looking at porn / anal sex videos.


Women are tricky creatures and individuals with BDP do tend to be somewhat paranoid. Perhaps she was searching videos that she thought you had watched them OR she thought they had been filmed in her house OR she thinks she knows the neighbors are porn stars and found them in a video. 

Badsanta


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

She can want to masturbate but not want sex, or at least not want it with you. If she's upset with you then it can be hard for sex to be any good anyway. 

You said "that caused all sorts of issues" so I'm assuming more went on after the initial fight about paying the $25. 
Does she have any resentments? You had mentioned in your other threads your anger is an issue, that you yell and break things. Even if she doesn't have BPD, that doesn't make women feel safe and for a lot of us, being vulnerable enough with someone to have -good- sex with them requires feeling safe with our partners. Did this fight include your anger? 

If she has a PD then it's not something you can fix but IMO some of the BDP traits can also just be a pissed off person who is full of resentment and uncertainty. 

How much time do you guys spend together, do you typically meet each other's needs? 
Conflict
How One Spouse Can Lead the Other Back to Intimacy
It sounds like you're both in conflict mode. Are you wanting to leave? Fix things?


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## MaybeItsMe? (Oct 26, 2011)

I no longer get angry, shout or brake things. I have taken to keep my anger inside to not let her use that as an excuse later on. I have stopped my bad habits completely now, biting my nails was a really hard one to stop, but I did it! 

I have recently passed a number of exams to try and better myself and have tried so hard to just be the best person I can. I make sure we have a date night once a week (even now), I have booked for a trip for us to go and see a musical and have a nice week away (I hate musicals but she loves them) I try to be a good person, to do the right thing but it all comes to nothing.

The "all sorts of issues" is that after a week of apologising and getting nowhere I said to her maybe it's time to get over it all, she now says that I said this the same day we had the argument and I didn't apologise. It's the usual thing of her substituting her reality for what actually happened and I will never be able to change that idea in her head.

Every time I try to talk to her she now says it's no longer about the money it's about the fact I never apologised and I told her to "get over it", she will then shut up shop and refuse to talk or listen in any way and will simply get very angry and verbily abusive if I try and talk, ironic considering she is angry with me about something I said! The frustrating thing is that her version of events is totally incorrect but like I said it is now set in stone, it means she is very resentful of me and is treating my like I slept with a hooker or something in that scale of betrayal. She has even stopped wearing her wedding and engagement rings. ( I think this hurt the most)

I have now moved out of the marital bedroom as I can't stand to sleep in the same room as a person who can drag out a comment requesting her to pay for an item she used into over 3 months of passive aggressive coldness. She obviously doesn't care, she would watch me jump off a cliff without saying a word to try and stop me but that is the type of person she is.

In her other relationships with friends and colleagues she normally just kicks them to the curb once she gets fed up with them but as we are married she can't really do that to me so she doesn't know what to do. 

She has said she has forgiven me but can't forget how I made her feel and that she is getting her money sorted so I "no longer use it against her". I understand that I upset her, it wasn't done deliberately or to be hurtful in any way but what has resulted from all of this is an almost total breakdown of our marriage. I doubt even if we fix the issue that we will ever be intimate or truly close ever again, even before this intimacy was initiated by me always and sex only happened about 5 times a year. It kills me thats the woman I loved has long gone and has been replaced by this stranger who no longer trusts me or wants to know me and trying to talk to her just makes things worse and worse.

I miss her


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Is chasing her for three months over $25 really worth it? I'll check out your other threads for more context.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MaybeItsMe? (Oct 26, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> Is chasing her for three months over $25 really worth it? I'll check out your other threads for more context.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi,

Sorry what do you mean?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MaybeItsMe? said:


> Hi,
> 
> Sorry what do you mean?


It just seems like no matter what your issues are pestering your wife for three months for 25 bucks is petty and ridiculous. Unless I read that wrong.

I did check out one of your other threads and I think you guys have a toxic relationship. Your wife sounds difficult but in fairness you've put her through plenty.

Both of you have a ton of resentment to overcome. .... you can try MC but it's a lot to overcome.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MaybeItsMe? (Oct 26, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> It just seems like no matter what your issues are pestering your wife for three months for 25 bucks is petty and ridiculous. Unless I read that wrong.
> 
> I did check out one of your other threads and I think you guys have a toxic relationship. Your wife sounds difficult but in fairness you've put her through plenty.
> 
> ...


Yes you are reading it wrong, I don't care about the $25 anymore, I asked her to pay and she went up the wall, she is still upset I asked her to pay for it (she never did anyway!) After 3 months she still can't forget that I asked her to pay $25. It's so bad she no longer wears her wedding rings.

Basically....my wife used something, I asked her to replace it. She has been resentful and upset about that for 3 months to the point that she no longer wears her wedding rings and I am sleeping in a separate bedroom. I find it crazy and as understanding as I am trying to be I can't wrap my head around it.

She will not go to mc, she left me waiting in mc once and never showed up.

What have I put her through exactly?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

What was the $25 for? She thinks there have been issues before where you "used money against her" right or wrong that seems to be where her anger is. The $25 itself was just the tip of the iceberg and not the actual issue. Usually when there is a fight over something small it's really a bigger issue.

I'd be careful about chalking everything up to BPD without a therapist to back that up. If it's not, you're dismissing her. If it is, it's not something you can fix or manage. You'll end up treating her like a child and not a partner.


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## MaybeItsMe? (Oct 26, 2011)

I have never used money against her, I have had to bail her out a few times and she hates the fact I had to do it. I love her and would never deliberately use money against her, why would anyone do anything like that to someone they love? She just likes to think she is independent but due to her inability to regulate her spending she needs me to support her. She resents me for that but what can I do? She treats me like a personification of her money problems despite the fact that I am the only one who helps.

If she isn't BPD then I don't know what is going on, but as she refuses to come to any form of MC with me I will never really know. You are correct though I shouldn't really assume she is BPD but if she isn't then she is just a selfish, self centred, difficult, argumentative, stubborn, childish and paranoid person who twists reality into what she wants it to be and pushes her own faults onto other people while blaming them for it.

I do everything I can to help her, she wants to run her own business on the side? I help, I tidy and clean the kitchen for her. she wants to work from home? I turn my man cave into her home office and put my stuff in storage. Her sister can't afford her wedding? I loan her $1000s to make it happen and use my car as the wedding car. She loses her favorite watch? I scour the country and find her a replacement. She wants to go to her friends wedding? I drive her the 200 miles to make it happen. I tell her I love her once a day, I make time for her. All I ask is for a little bit of effection, a hug, a kiss, anything, but it's just too much to ask and after all that I'm the bad guy, I'm the one who has done wrong, I'm the one she doesn't know if she wants to be with.

I have given everything I could possibly give and now I'm told it's basically not good enough because out of the 10 things i do right the one mistake overrules them all. 

What it was she used is not really important.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I don't know, from reading this thread it sound like your wife has some issues, but has chosen a petty argument to champion as the cause of all the problems between the two of you. In the meantime I would set aside the argument and acknowledge her compliant for "how you make her feel." Regardless of what happened and who was at fault, she feels the way she feels. They are her feelings and she sounds desperate to make you aware of them. 

I would not break down and let her manipulate you into getting whatever she wants for you to try and make her happy. I would just acknowledge her feelings, talk about them, and try to improve your awareness of how certain things make her feel. Do not necessarily change your behavior, but make it a point to be more considerate of her feelings. Read No More Mr Nice Guy. 

Say she used something of yours that costs $25, and you wanted her to pay for it. The way that would make me feel personally is pretty shîtty. In my marriage there is no mine or yours. Everything is ours and we share everything equally. The only time we talk about money is when we need to make a major purchase, we both have to agree that it is a wise expense and then plan our monthly budget around it together accordingly. In my honest opinion couples that separate finances are not really married. They are just two selfish people managing to live together and have monogamous sex. Sorry if that is not what you want to hear, but that is my honest opinion. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## MaybeItsMe? (Oct 26, 2011)

badsanta said:


> I don't know, from reading this thread it sound like your wife has some issues, but has chosen a petty argument to champion as the cause of all the problems between the two of you. In the meantime I would set aside the argument and acknowledge her compliant for "how you make her feel." Regardless of what happened and who was at fault, she feels the way she feels. They are her feelings and she sounds desperate to make you aware of them.
> 
> I would not break down and let her manipulate you into getting whatever she wants for you to try and make her happy. I would just acknowledge her feelings, talk about them, and try to improve your awareness of how certain things make her feel. Do not necessarily change your behavior, but make it a point to be more considerate of her feelings. Read No More Mr Nice Guy.
> 
> ...


It is what I want to hear, it's an honest and open opinion and I really apreciate it!


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

I am not really sensing a "partnership" in this marriage. 

You "help her."

You tidy the kitchen "for her."

You pay for stuff "for her."

You bailed "her" out of financial troubles. 

You "helped" her sister. 

You want her to pay for something "she" used? What is this $25 item anyways?

When you do something like cleaning the kitchen or pay a bill for a house that you live in, you are not "helping" her. You are participating in the care and maintenance of the home that you reside in. When you help family, you do it because you are family and you love your spouse. Is there a reason to hold this over their head?

Perhaps her spending is out of resentment? I get a sense that you come across as you are upset for everything you have to do and pay "for her." I just don't see you two working as a team.

I am not trying to judge you or agreeing that her behavior is good, I am just sharing my observations and trying offer some insight.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

My stbx loved withholding, it was his absolute favorite tactic. If i pissed him off, even a little, it was cold war.

And yes, to the original question. I deeply resent him for withholding love, sex, affection, for months at a time. It's evil.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

MaybeItsMe? said:


> Anyway that caused all sorts of issues and since then she has been undecided if she wants to be with me etc etc. This is her usual thing to be honest, but it has gone on for 3 months now and she has not so much as kissed me in that time. I know in her mind what I did was terrible and as a BPD sufferer she is always in debt etc so Money is a big deal to her but sometimes I wonder if she actually enjoys the drama? So back to my question


Just wondering if you also think you're an idiot for staying with this woman?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Maybe - You started your thread with the lack of affection that was touched off by your request for $25. I am not being critical, you don't need that. Can you reframe how you see this.

I have a cousin who is BPD and when he was in my life, it was hell. You are living with a wife who has BPD and I assume you know about the psychopathy. Knowing that, why the hell did you ask her to give you $25? You said it's not important so why did you ask her to pay? You knew what would happen, right? 

Why did you want to bring this about? I am asking you to look at this. It's not something that happened to you, right? You have more choices than you think. 

I don't know your story. Do you have children.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Do you have children? If not, start thinking about bailing out. 

I know a thing or two about BPD and if she has it, you need to get some competent help to assess and see what's next...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

badsanta said:


> I don't know, from reading this thread it sound like your wife has some issues, but has chosen a petty argument to champion as the cause of all the problems between the two of you. In the meantime I would set aside the argument and acknowledge her compliant for "how you make her feel." Regardless of what happened and who was at fault, she feels the way she feels. They are her feelings and she sounds desperate to make you aware of them.
> 
> I would not break down and let her manipulate you into getting whatever she wants for you to try and make her happy. I would just acknowledge her feelings, talk about them, and try to improve your awareness of how certain things make her feel. Do not necessarily change your behavior, but make it a point to be more considerate of her feelings. Read No More Mr Nice Guy.
> 
> ...


I'm going to disagree with this one.....in my opinion there are legitimate reasons to separate finances, at least somewhat.

In my first marriage we did not, everything was pooled. But we had kids together and I worked intermittently while the kids were little.

In my current marriage we do keep separate accounts and that is because we both came into the marriage with kids. We were both established at our respective banks and didn't really wish to change, and I know in my case his daughter was grown and in college and he was doing way more for her then I thought reasonable. I'm not talking about supporting her in college, I'm saying she never had a job in her life until she graduated with a PhD but every little whim she had along the way had to be fulfilled. She wanted to join a sorority so it was assumed parents had to pay up.....she wanted to go on various international mission trips and it was assumed parents pay up. She wanted, she got. If we'd had joint finances I would've felt compelled to have a say in that but since I didn't and he contributed fairly to our household I stayed out of it.

I had young kids and was getting child support and I didn't want to have to explain to him every time I felt like buying something for my boys. And believe me, he would've stuck his nose into it, but since our finances are separate it's none of his business.

Of course this only works because we both work and we each handle a portion of the expenses in line with what we make, which means I pay more since I make more. I think once my kids are out of the house we may go ahead and combine finances.

Having said that we don't nitpick things.....I wouldn't dream of asking him to pay for something I'd bought that he'd used. That's just ridiculous. I do the grocery shopping and if he wants to throw in things for himself (toiletries, whatever) I don't care, we're not nickle and diming. If he's short on cash he'll ask if I have any and vice versa. And we each know what the other has in terms of money, nothing is secret.

Heck, when he lost his job I wrote a check for the balance on his car because I'd inherited some money from my dad and his loan was an interest loan that made no sense to keep.

In this case, like others have said I just don't sense a partnership and that may be at the root of some of her issues. He says she's resentful that he's bailed her out but maybe from her perspective they're not a partnership, he nickles and dimes her, and hold it over her head when he does contribute. I know that isn't what he thinks but it may well be how she sees it. Her perspective would be most helpful here.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MaybeItsMe? said:


> Yes you are reading it wrong, I don't care about the $25 anymore, I asked her to pay and she went up the wall, she is still upset I asked her to pay for it (she never did anyway!) After 3 months she still can't forget that I asked her to pay $25. It's so bad she no longer wears her wedding rings.
> 
> Basically....my wife used something, I asked her to replace it. She has been resentful and upset about that for 3 months to the point that she no longer wears her wedding rings and I am sleeping in a separate bedroom. I find it crazy and as understanding as I am trying to be I can't wrap my head around it.
> 
> ...


Seriously?

*Lets start with my bad side
I had a mental breakdown some years back and I have become very withdrawn. I don't like crowds or people any more.
I bite my nails
My time keeping can be pretty crap at times
I have been know to pick my nose (I know its disgusting!)
I can shout and smash things when I am angry,
My job is stressful and my manager has bull****ted his way into the role and so has no real skills in the field we work in. Due to this I have lot of pressure on my back that he dumps across and some times I have to do long hours
I have lost my self confidence
I sometimes wont let an argument just drop
In the past I have taken her for granted (many years ago)
I used to play computer games a lot but that stopped about 3 years ago
I don't have any friends anymore (see first bullet)
I make stupid mistakes such as buying an item I had already asked her to get me for my Birthday (this annoys me)
I don't sleep very well but also I find it hard to get up in the morning
I do a lot of Internet browsing / reading for my job while at home. 
I some times snore when under lots of stress or when very very tired*


You don't think any of this has contributed to a toxic relationship?
I know she's done plenty but this is hardly one sided. Even if you're not doing any of these things right not they've still contributed to the atmosphere of the relationship.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm going to disagree with this one.....in my opinion there are legitimate reasons to separate finances, at least somewhat.
> 
> In my current marriage we do keep separate accounts and that is because we both came into the marriage with kids.


Well once you are dealing with the dynamics of a 2nd marriage and two sets of kids, YES it is harder to merge finances. I don't think this is the original poster's case though. Otherwise $25 would have never been a big deal, as it would not even be enough to cover everyone's happy meal at McDonalds. 

I shît you not, I got Wendy's the other day and it was $35. Everyone wanted TWO Jr Bacons and now they are $2 each! Add fries, drinks, frosties and what seems to be a 20% sales tax and I was like WTF!!!!!! I somehow thought it would be under $20. 

My point being is that if you have kids running all over you, $25 is usually gone for lunch money, field trip fees, or a a book fair before you even get a chance to brush your fücking teeth each morning. 

So no way the OP has kids!

Badsanta


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

badsanta said:


> Well once you are dealing with the dynamics of a 2nd marriage and two sets of kids, YES it is harder to merge finances. I don't think this is the original poster's case though. Otherwise $25 would have never been a big deal, as it would not even be enough to cover everyone's happy meal at McDonalds.
> 
> I shît you not, I got Wendy's the other day and it was $35. Everyone wanted TWO Jr Bacons and now they are $2 each! Add fries, drinks, frosties and what seems to be a 20% sales tax and I was like WTF!!!!!! I somehow thought it would be under $20.
> 
> ...


Ha ha, I know that's right. When I get subs for me, hb, and two boys it runs me between $30 and $40. To quote my dear old deceased dad, $25 is a "fart in the wind" when raising kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Ha ha, I know that's right. When I get subs for me, hb, and two boys it runs me between $30 and $40. To quote my dear old deceased dad, $25 is a "fart in the wind" when raising kids.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OMG my favorite is a local Chinese restaurant that serves ridiculously oversized portions for lunch. 

Something like this is only $5.95 and it includes an egg roll!










The kids know we all drink water and I'll order two extra egg rolls and two spare plates. The four of us feast like kings, in that there is even some left over. Best of all $20 gets us out the door after leaving a $3 tip, and we still have two quarters left for the gumball machines (because that is the only dessert you will ever find in a Chinese restaurant). 

Woo hoo!

Badsanta


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## MaybeItsMe? (Oct 26, 2011)

I feel a lot of assumptions are being made here about me.

I don't hold anything over her about money but there has to be an end to subsidising some one who can't control their own spending. I also feel a lot of people don't seem to read all of the posts. Especially when people say it's wrong to not pool all our cash when one person will simply spend all the money. I'm shocked that people here would think that is even a valid option in my situation never mind judge me on it.

I also feel if I was a woman on here saying this some of the people posting may have a different tone.

I have cared for and carried a person for 15 years, without any gratitude and sometimes I do not want to be looked at as a thing that can be picked up and dropped and more as a person who has feelings. I went without so my wife could have and all I asked was for her to pay that months bill for the item she used. Nothing else, I didn't ask for anything else, no other refund on any other bill I pay, I think she needs to understand that life isn't free and I need to pay the bill at the end of the month so maybe a little help would nice? This was the cheapest bill we have. 

Also people who say I nickle and dime, I find that a bit hurtful.

From what I have got up to now is I put her through a lot, I nikle and dime her and hold money over her head. I should pool all my cash with her even though she has a spending issue and I shouldn't expect her to pay her own way.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I keep finances separate because my H isn't good with them but I wouldn't make a fuss about $25.

What was it for? 

What % of the income does she make, what % of the expenses does she pay? How much "fun money" are you each left with at the end of the month?


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

I understand your frustration with your wife, but I'm a little unclear about what your expectations are (maybe she is too).

You say she's bad with money and can't be trusted with it. But you expect her to pay you back without complaint. Those two things conflict a little bit.

Is she normally happy to pay you back? Does she feel the request for payment was unfair? Is she generally happy with your financial arrangement, or does she feel that you imposed it on her?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

MaybeItsMe? said:


> From what I have got up to now is I put her through a lot, I nikle and dime her and hold money over her head. I should pool all my cash with her even though she has a spending issue and I shouldn't expect her to pay her own way.


*Ummmm NO*, not necessarily. You should just respect her feelings as being genuine and *not* something that you find problematic, undesirable, or frustrating. Her feelings are hers. Simply listen, acknowledge, and respect her feelings. Aside from that you can do whatever you want....

Badsanta


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

What is the stupid "item" that you two are so hell bent on that she used? Why is this a secret?

This just seems like a petty thing for either of you to be upset about. It seems like you are both trying to stand your ground over this $25 item. Is that correct? She is probably thinking you are just as crazy as you think she is.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> My dogs love to watch traffic but none of them have the slightest desire to drive.


Put another way, sometimes porn is just all that less stressful than sex! Specially in a long-term relationship....


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