# Getting him to want to spend time with me



## Rebecca69 (May 9, 2012)

My partner is divorced. We both have one child. My child lives with us and is aged 8. His child lives with us at weekends.

I relocated hundreds of miles to live with him a year ago so I don’t really know many people here.

My problem is that I feel like he is not setting aside enough "alone time" for us in his life, and he is taking on too many activities.

On Fridays, his son arrives at 4pm (Mom drops him off with me) and he stays till 8pm on Sunday....every weekend. When his son is here he commands his full attention all day and there is no time really even for a brief chat – definitely no quality time! 

He lets his son stay awake until at least 9pm, sometimes 10pm (he reads him about 65 stories!) and then he wakes us up at 6am at the latest – often 5am. The weekends are exhausting! By the time the kids are in bed at the weekend, we are so tired we just watch TV for an hour and then go to bed ourselves. There is rarely sex at weekends as there´s been zero intimacy all day so it just puts me off.

During the week, he leaves for work at 8am, and gets back about 7pm . I work from home (as I kept the job I had before I relocated), so that is quite lonely. There are no jobs for me where we are as it´s a remote area. 

On Mondays he is in an amateur dramatics group and leaves right after dinner and doesn´t get back until after I am sleeping. On Wednesdays he plays tennis and then goes for a drink with his buddies and doesn’t get back until after I am sleeping. 


So his busy schedule leaves Tuesday and Thursdays as the only days we have available for quality time, and even this is often not possible as he sometimes needs to bring work home on these days. 

Now he has just signed up for a triathlon for charity in September and plans to train two nights a week for this (I think he will need to train far more as he is not in great shape), leaving no time at all for me.

I don´t know what to do, as I feel firstly like with kids and a full tiem job he cant take on three extra curricular activities, but I feel mean asking him to give one up as I know they mean a lot to him. I don’t want to FORCE him to spend time with me against his will either. I don’t want to be selfish and ask him to give up his hobbies, or spend time away from his son, but at the same time I didn´t relocate 600 miles to be left alone and he seems to think an hour each night is enough time for us. It isn´t enough for me. I am lonely.

Aside from that, he said he has to use ALL his holiday weeks on his son for the second year in a row, so no romantic getaway for just the two of us. I have a son too who I adore, but Id be happy to leave him with Grandparents for a few days for a bit of romance.

Also, his busy schedule means i am being a Mother to an 8 year old, working full time myself and doing ALL the cooking, shopping, chores etc. as he is always too busy to participate. I am tired.

Am I being selfish or needy?

this is my first relationship living with someone and I am not sure what is normal and what isn´t


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You have a lot of issues to deal with... Many of them could have been discussed before moving in together to make sure you're both on the same page. Or did you?

How old is his child?

What's his idea of a healthy relationship? Apparently roommate/maid is what he's going for... Why is his workday 11 hours a day plus extra time? 

When I was living with my family and training, my solution for fitting that in was getting out the door at 5:30. Then it didn't eat into family time.

How long did you date before moving in together? Did you know how busy he was then?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rebecca69 (May 9, 2012)

When we were dating, he was living an hour from where we live now and he did do the tennis and acting, but he told me he was stopping after I moved over. He then asked me (after I´d moved over) if I minded him taking them up again and I said it was fine. 

Part of the reason he is back so late is because he travels back to his old home town to do these activities instead of doing them locally. I think he likes seeing his old friends as we know no one where we live. 

The problem is that since we moved in together he has gone from having his son Saturday to Sunday every other week, to having him EVERY week from Friday to Sunday. His office also moved to a further distance from where we live so he has a long commute. He got promoted and also works more hours.

Now he is training too.

We dated for a year, but long distance. He spent one weekend of every month with me over where I was, and talked to me on the phone for 1- 3 hours every single day. He has less time for me now I live with him than he ever did before. I have known him for 20 years though so he is not a stranger.

His child is 5. 

He is a really good guy and means well. I just don´t think he gets that with his schedule, something has to give - and that something is unfortunately me.

My friend is suggesting I make myself unavailable to him when he is free...I am not sure if this will help. I know if I ask him to give something up for me, he will, but then I will feel like it is forced and it won´t make me feel better.

I did a spreadseet of his schedule, and time where he is awake, not working, not with kids and not doing something else is 6.5 hours. Not enough. I was wondering whether to show him this spreadsheet


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

You don't say whether you have spoken with him about this. If you haven't, then I don't know why you're telling us and not him. If you have, then you have your answer. 

I have always felt it makes no sense for a person to complain about their partner/spouse/boyfriend not spending time with them. If he wanted to spend time with you he would, and you wouldn't have to ask for it. Since he doesn't, you should ask once and only once. If he still doesn't then, again, you have your answer - he doesn't want to spend time with you. If he wanted to spend time with you, he wouldn't need you to bring it up. He'd do it himself.....because he wants to spend time with you. He would schedule his time so that he could. He wouldn't take on so many time-consuming activities that he can see just like you can see takes him away from you.

As was mentioned already, you didn't take the time to establish in advance what it was he wanted from this relationship. Like most women do, you either assumed or you decided to just see how it goes. Now you know how it goes and what he wants. You have to make your decision based on that. Once you let him know how you feel, the ball is in his court to do something about it.

I must say you both have made too many mistakes already. He had a program in place and didn't adjust to accommodate you. You came into his house and went along with the program. He made you second to his son, and you gladly took a backseat to the child. He did this because he suffers guilty daddy syndrome, like a lot of men do concerning their children who are product of divorce/broken home. There is no way that either of you are supposed to make kids the priority over your partner. But, he did it and you allowed it. It probably makes it even worse that he lives with your child but not his own, even though he doesn't parent your child and doesn't spend any time in the home. Still, he does not live with his own child, so the guilt makes him believe he is supposed to spoil the child. Most men spoil the kid(s) with money thinking they can buy their love if they buy everything the kids want. In your partner's case, he spoils the kid with time, trying to make up for the rest of the week's parenting that they missed out on.

On the other hand, you had no idea what you were getting into. If you try to rock the boat now, there will be hell to pay. You should be able to assert yourself as his mate, his partner, other head of household, and the number one priority in his life.....not the child. But, alas, if you did, both he and the child will begin to act out, and you will have a much worse situation than you can possibly imagine.

You will have to weigh all of this and decide if you want to continue living this way. You need to know you mean something to your partner, but it seems you are with the wrong guy.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

He did give up things for you. And then you allowed him to take them up again. Why didn't you say "no" then? Have you talked to him about the disconnect you're feeling? 

You're going to have to make him aware of your feelings. Figure out what you want, and lay it out for him. Then the two of you can try to figure out a way to make it work. You're not asking for anything unreasonable... Often it's recommended couples have 10 to 20 hours of quality time together a week.

Good luck! 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

PBear said:


> He did give up things for you. And then you allowed him to take them up again. Why didn't you say "no" then?


I can't agree with that statment. It's true he asked and also true that you said it was okay. But, him asking is where the problem lies. It is not anything you have to be blamed for doing. He made a promise and had no intention of keeping it. So, he set you up to let him off the hook. That way it wouldn't appear he went back on his word. He can always say "you allowed me" just like PBear just did. I say again, if he wanted to spend time with you, he would.


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## Rebecca69 (May 9, 2012)

I had mentioned to him that I was not seeing him enough but he´d brushed it aside by saying it was temporary and he would "make time".

I didn´t know to be honest if I was being selfish or not.

After reading your responses, I did talk to him more forcefully and he said he would only do the tennis every other week, and phase it out and do sports locally instead. he said he will only do the acting class for six months of the year as they do two productions and he will only participate in one. He says he will make sure the kids were in bed by 8pm at weekends and make Thursdays date night every week without fail. 

He also said he´d arrange for his son´s Mother to have his son for the weekend once in a while and he agreed he does have "guilty daddy syndrome" as you suggested but he says he doesn´t know what to do about it.

Thanks all...I am happy with this solution as it is steps in the right direction and guarantees me more time each week. I genuinely didn´t know if it was me being selfish or not so needed to ask someone independent. 

I find it very hard sometimes to get angry with him, because he is a very gentle person and takes anything I say very seriously. I was unsure if asking him to give up hobbies was just selfish and whether or not I should just be finding hobbies of my own. your perspectives really helped me see I was right to be upset


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Take a look at the links in my signature block below for buidling a passionate marriage. The material could help you a lot in knowing what you can do, should do and what is reasonable to expect.

Basically to maintain a passionate relationship the two of you need to spend about 15 hours a week doing date-like things where it's just the two of you. That's about 2 hours a day. You are definately not getting that kind of time. 

With his son, it's reasonable to expect the boy to go to bed a 8 pm on the weekend so that the two of you have the rest of the evening together. He's not helping his son any by not having a consistant, reasonable bed time. 

Getting the time together that the two of you need is important enough for you take make a firm stand for. Then if there's time left over for him to do other things then ok.


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## Rebecca69 (May 9, 2012)

Thanks so much, this is really helpful


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Great job on talking to him! I know it's never easy to make a stand for yourself! Elegirl's comment on a bedtime are great too... What time are his bedtimes during the week? Consistency won't hurt, and many kids need more sleep than what you describe. Heck, our kids' bedtimes were 8 up till they were 8 years old or so.

And you can stand up for what you want without getting "angry" with him, hopefully. Communicating your needs in a clear, calm manner is a very useful skill in a marriage. For both of you!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rebecca69 (May 9, 2012)

His Mother says she is getting him to bed at 7.30pm at home during the week, but here it is between 9pm and 10pm. He wakes up from 5am to 6am so it´s not enough sleep for a 5 year old. It´s not enough sleep for me and I am 34.

My son is 8, and he told me that the weekends were making *him* tired too so I know it is crazy for everyone to be on this schedule. 

I appreciate being a weekend Dad is diferrent. I know every Sunday he cries when he takes him back to his other house, so sometimes it is a fine line to walk to ask him to make changes. I know he will always do what I ask...but I want to be careful not to ask anything unreasonable.

It´s not that I willingly take a backseat to the child. It is just that I feel like I need to be supportive and understanding. I realise though that sometimes I take being understanding too far and then maybe things reach crisis point.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

At 5 years old, I would think the best thing for the child would be to maintain a more consistent schedule. I suspect the child's mom would appreciate that too. And as you said, your child is being negatively affected by this. That's not fair to him.

You may want to look into resources for merging households. Books, counseling, etc. It has to be as fair as possible for everyone. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rebecca69 (May 9, 2012)

I think the child´s Mother would have a fit if she saw what he got away with in our house  She´s the strict one 

Merging households is difficult...I admit. Harder than I thought it would be, but luckily both kids are very happy.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I guess I look at things differently.
You have an 8 year old child. Your primary focus should be your child. Is it a good idea to allow a man to a assume a fatherly role in your child's life when you do not have absolute certainty that this man is making a lifetime commitment to that? Think about moving your child a few times, living with different men, other kids etc. based on your romantic needs... I think your priorities are a bit out of kilter... Sorry to be so blunt.


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## Rebecca69 (May 9, 2012)

My son is 8, and this is the first relationship I have had since he was born, so I think you have made some pretty sweeping judgements about me moving my child a few times and living with diferrent men. 

I also said I have known this man for 20 years, so he is no stranger to me and he was selected on the very basis that he would a good man and would be a good stepfather to my son. Of course I do not know with absolute certainty that there is a lifetime commitment. Who does?

I do know that my son loves living with him and if we split up he will be sad. but the alternative is to live a life alone forever, which in my view sets a pretty sad example to my son anyway.

I came for advice on my relationship, not judgement on my parenting, which from what is written here you have no information on. I even stated in my post this is the first time I have EVER lived with a man. and I am 34!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I am sorry to be blunt and I am not trying to hurt you.
I think by thinking about what is best for your child, you get the answers to your relationship question. You really know what type of man you are living with. You have all the information about him that you need to make a judgement of the type of person he is. Now, is this the type of person that should assume a fatherly role for your child? Then you take it a step further... Does it make sense from your child's point of view to cohabitate with a man before your completely understand the type of man he is, how he raises his own child, what his priorities are? This is what I was getting at.


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## Rebecca69 (May 9, 2012)

You´ve assumed though that because he has a busy life and takes on lots of hobbies that he is in some way a negative influence on my son´s life.

In reality, He plays lego with my son, drove 6 hours (both ways!) recently to take him to see his natural Dad, plays computer games with him, cries with pride when he does well at school, gives him man to man advice, taught him how to ride and bike and how to swim. He´s great with my son or I wouldn´t be with him.

He´s also great to me. When I talked to him about this, he listened, apologised and committed to making the changes required.

My only question was whether or not I was unreasonable in being upset that he is involved with so many hobbies.

While it would have been ideal for us to have lived separately at first when I moved to be with him, it was not possible financially or technically as no one would give me a lease with no employement contract, bank account or previous address etc.

You´re right, I do know what kind of man I am living with. He´s the best person I ever knew and I feel like being around him brings out the best in me _and _my son .

He is however someone who says yes to everything anyone asks, and someone who spreads himself too thin trying to please everyone. He can be insensitive and he sometimes doesnt think things through. I am careful with making demands of him for the reason that I know he will always do what I ask, and I never want to take advantage of him or hinder his life in any way to meet my needs.

It´s a new thing for me sharing a life and family with someone, and sometimes it´s hard to know the right thing


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Ok, to answer your questions...
If you have a need for quality time with your mate, you better make sure he meets it to the level you require. You should not compromise on having your needs met. If you do, you will not be happy in the long run. You should not ever hesitate to hinder his life in order to meet your needs. That is what a relationship is. Both partners GIVE to the level that the receiver needs them. What if you only desire sex with him 1 time every month and he wants it one time per day. Do you think he would be happy thinking to himself that since Rebecca69 does not want sex very often, I myself should only ask for it once per month? If he did that he would become unhappy as the frustration builds.... Same thing for you in that you should advocate for your needs to be met to the level you want them or your frustration will build. If you compromise away your needs this will lead to unhappiness, resentment and destruction of your relationship.

So, what I was getting at reading into your posts is you have a need for quality time, and he has a need for independent hobbies. This is the source of a mismatch between the two of you that could be hard to overcome. Secondly, he has a child who he (rightly) prioritizes during the most crucial time during a given week. Again, this will always stress the quality time he as available to give to you that you need. Third, he has a parenting style that normally frustrates people (overly giving and guilty) to be around. 

So, in summary... The right thing is you meet his needs to the level he needs them, which will cause him maximum happiness in life, and he meets your needs to the level you need them which will cause you maximum happiness in life. And then your child will be raised in a situation of happiness and productive, healthy relationships.


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## Rebecca69 (May 9, 2012)

That really makes sense. Thanks. I never really thought of the fact that he will become unhappy with the results eventually if my needs aren´t being met. It makes it seem more like it´s of *mutual* benefit for him to make adjustments that will create harmony.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Yes. I look at it this way. ONce you are in a spot where you are meeting the other's needs for the happiness it gives them, but also the happiness that it gives you (happiness in "giving"), then the relationship is very highly functioning.


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