# Is it time to share my family history?



## AttaBoy (Sep 30, 2018)

Today my kids found and read some lyrics/poetry I wrote as a teenager that were filled with rage and hopelessness. I could see it shook them up a bit. They know my childhood was traumatic, but I have not shared any details beyond general statements like, "My parents stopped parenting me when I around 10". The truth involves mental illness, inpatient commitment stints, drugs, alcohol, overdoses, self harm, benign neglect, suicide attempts, and suicide. All of which I witnessed
. 
My kids range in age from mid teens to early 20s. I have been trying to find a time to get into it and talk with my oldest ones, but with college and jobs the only opportunities were holidays, so I have put it off to avoid ruining our time together. I am to the point now where I believe they want to know more, but are respecting my reticence to share much. 

Both of my parents had childhood trauma but they never spoke of it to me. Over the years I have pieced together much of it and it haunts me because I can't shake the "If I had known then what I know now everything could have been different" feelings. I may also have something akin to a survivor complex. 

If anyone has relevant experience and thoughts on what teens and young adults can handle and how to present it I would like to hear them. Story telling, going over a timeline, doling it out in small doses; these are some of the ways that have appealed to me at times.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

AttaBoy said:


> Today my kids found and read some lyrics/poetry I wrote as a teenager that were filled with rage and hopelessness. I could see it shook them up a bit. They know my childhood was traumatic, but I have not shared any details beyond general statements like, "My parents stopped parenting me when I around 10". The truth involves mental illness, inpatient commitment stints, drugs, alcohol, overdoses, self harm, benign neglect, suicide attempts, and suicide. All of which I witnessed
> .
> My kids range in age from mid teens to early 20s. I have been trying to find a time to get into it and talk with my oldest ones, but with college and jobs the only opportunities were holidays, so I have put it off to avoid ruining our time together. I am to the point now where I believe they want to know more, but are respecting my reticence to share much.
> 
> ...


I didn't tell my children about my mums suicide nor her mums suicide, I didnt see the point and they were all small at the time it happened. Two of them found out separately anyway when they were well into adulthood,(they still dont know how she did it and I wont tell them unless they ask), but sometimes you have to ask yourself if it would help them to know all the gory details. If you do tell them them then keep it simple is my advise. They dont need to know every detail.Its hard to know if they want to know more, have they actually asked to know? Or is it you who thinks they do?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Personally, I would give your kids the opportunity to know more. If they want to know more, they can join you at the table. If they don't want to know more right now (leave the door open), no worries. You could tell them a basic version (could be as simple as what you said here), and let them ask questions if they have any. Be sure to talk to them individually afterwards to make sure they are okay and ask if they have any questions they'd rather ask in private. 

If my 10 and 12 year old can handle knowing most of those same things about one or both of their parents, and their grandparents, then so can adults. 

Your children should also know that addiction and mental illness run in the family.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I actually had to tell my children when they were very young because we needed to cut contact, police were involved so it was a matter of safety and they unfortunately had to know why they could never see my parents again.

It was age-appropriate, and I also made sure I told my children that I had issues as a result, and that none of it was their fault and it was not their job to worry about me or feel sorry for me, my life turned out wonderfully despite everything that happened to me.


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## AttaBoy (Sep 30, 2018)

I appreciate the input. I think I may have been underestimating what they have figured out. One of them asked my wife a very intuitive question about the notebook. She guessed it belonged to someone else, the person at the center of much of what I will share. 
The point about these things running in families has become my primary motivation to speak about them ever since my kids became aware of my profound bouts of Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) and two of them appear to grapple with it now, too. I have long believed the suicide in my family had SAD as a contributing factor. 
I will go with the simple version, the what and when, and leave my lifetime of rumination and revelation for deeper conversations when they broach the individual topics with me. 
We will all be together for dinner on New Year's Day. I will look for an appropriate opportunity to segway into this topic.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

AttaBoy said:


> I appreciate the input. I think I may have been underestimating what they have figured out. One of them asked my wife a very intuitive question about the notebook. She guessed it belonged to someone else, the person at the center of much of what I will share.
> The point about these things running in families has become my primary motivation to speak about them ever since my kids became aware of my profound bouts of Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) and two of them appear to grapple with it now, too. I have long believed the suicide in my family had SAD as a contributing factor.
> I will go with the simple version, the what and when, and leave my lifetime of rumination and revelation for deeper conversations when they broach the individual topics with me.
> We will all be together for dinner on New Year's Day. I will look for an appropriate opportunity to segway into this topic.


Have you tried a SAD lamp? My husband gets very tired and weary in the winter, he lived in Oz for the first 30 years of his life so got lots of sun, now in the uk not neraly so much, although he doesn't get mentally low. He has found the lamp has helped.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bobert said:


> Personally, I would give your kids the opportunity to know more. If they want to know more, they can join you at the table. If they don't want to know more right now (leave the door open), no worries. You could tell them a basic version (could be as simple as what you said here), and let them ask questions if they have any. Be sure to talk to them individually afterwards to make sure they are okay and ask if they have any questions they'd rather ask in private.
> 
> If my 10 and 12 year old can handle knowing most of those same things about one or both of their parents, and their grandparents, then so can adults.
> 
> Your children should also know that addiction and mental illness run in the family.


I think that 10 and 12 year olds can handle a fair amount, my thought was do my then very young children need to know that the grandmother they loved very much had hung herself. When for me as an adult it was completely devastating and totally traumatic, for a child it would have been far far worse. So it does depend on what it is I think. My husband and I are the only people alive now who know the gory details of the why and when and how and it will stay that way unless they ask questions.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Make sure you are telling them only for their benefit, not for your own benefit.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> I think that 10 and 12 year olds can handle a fair amount, my thought was do my then very young children need to know that the grandmother they loved very much had hung herself. When for me as an adult it was completely devastating and totally traumatic, for a child it would have been far far worse. So it does depend on what it is I think. My husband and I are the only people alive now who know the gory details of the why and when and how and it will stay that way unless they ask questions.


Generally, we follow "if they are old enough to ask, they are old enough to know" but there are exceptions. My oldest has known about suicide since he was 4 years old but he's never asked how people do it. All he knew was that sometimes brains get sick and it makes people feel like they want to die. He's known about murder since he was about 4 years old. When he was 5-6 he asked how the relative was killed and we told him without any more detail than the weapon and body location. He said okay and moved on. 

My daughter knows her bio dad is a recovering alcoholic and addict, that he's had inpatient treatment and that he attempted suicide several times, starting when he was 12. She doesn't know the details and she won't until she asks him because it's not my story to share right now. Her knowing about mental health issues and addictions is for her benefit, and a must because she has two biological parents with pretty severe issues. He told her about his inpatient experience when my wife was hospitalized and my daughter had worries and questions. It was sort of a "look, I was there too and I'm okay now" for reassurance and a "I don't know how it is for your mom, but this was my experience". 

My kids know their mom attempted suicide and the two older kids know it was with medications. Partly so they learn the dangers of screwing with meds. But they've lived through it for the last two years, hiding things would do more harm than good. Of course they do struggle sometimes with the "mom didn't love me enough to stay here" type thoughts but we talk through it and deal with it, and they have therapy as well. Do they need to know which meds were used? No and I'm not sure I'll ever tell them (I've only ever told one person), so that's why I say there are exceptions to "if they're old enough to ask, they're old enough to know".


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## AttaBoy (Sep 30, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Have you tried a SAD lamp? My husband gets very tired and weary in the winter, he lived in Oz for the first 30 years of his life so got lots of sun, now in the uk not neraly so much, although he doesn't get mentally low. He has found the lamp has helped.


I do own and have used a lamp, but without any measurable improvement. Mega dosing vitamin D has been the most helpful, and seasonal use of Sam-E has also been of benefit. I also try to be outside a lot during the winter months and look for opportunities to expose my bare skin to sunlight.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

This is so important. One of my family members kept everything hidden from us and was violent and controlling and only opened up about his own past when it was time for him to be accountable. I did not feel sorry for him.
So that’s why it was important for my children to know the whole family history. I don’t ever want them wondering, feeling guilty, feeling empty or to blame for anything. Their life is theirs to live in peace and to keep moving forward out of that wretched cycle. And my job is to break that cycle for me first, and them. You know what they teach you about the oxygen mask. Peace and happiness to you as you move forward, I wish that your family history changes.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bobert said:


> Generally, we follow "if they are old enough to ask, they are old enough to know" but there are exceptions. My oldest has known about suicide since he was 4 years old but he's never asked how people do it. All he knew was that sometimes brains get sick and it makes people feel like they want to die. He's known about murder since he was about 4 years old. When he was 5-6 he asked how the relative was killed and we told him without any more detail than the weapon and body location. He said okay and moved on.
> 
> My daughter knows her bio dad is a recovering alcoholic and addict, that he's had inpatient treatment and that he attempted suicide several times, starting when he was 12. She doesn't know the details and she won't until she asks him because it's not my story to share right now. Her knowing about mental health issues and addictions is for her benefit, and a must because she has two biological parents with pretty severe issues. He told her about his inpatient experience when my wife was hospitalized and my daughter had worries and questions. It was sort of a "look, I was there too and I'm okay now" for reassurance and a "I don't know how it is for your mom, but this was my experience".
> 
> My kids know their mom attempted suicide and the two older kids know it was with medications. Partly so they learn the dangers of screwing with meds. But they've lived through it for the last two years, hiding things would do more harm than good. Of course they do struggle sometimes with the "mom didn't love me enough to stay here" type thoughts but we talk through it and deal with it, and they have therapy as well. Do they need to know which meds were used? No and I'm not sure I'll ever tell them (I've only ever told one person), so that's why I say there are exceptions to "if they're old enough to ask, they're old enough to know".


I do think that when things involve their own parents as in your case they do need to know more as they are living with it all daily and they pick up on things, but I personally wouldnt tell a very small child that a person they loved dearly had hung themselves. No way. Its hard enough for an adult to deal with that believe me, let alone a little child.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

AttaBoy said:


> I do own and have used a lamp, but without any measurable improvement. Mega dosing vitamin D has been the most helpful, and seasonal use of Sam-E has also been of benefit. I also try to be outside a lot during the winter months and look for opportunities to expose my bare skin to sunlight.


Yes we both take vit D as well. Depends on the climate doesn't it, our winters are dark and can get pretty cold. My husbands home country has winters that are very mild.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I think family history is something that must be shared with our children, especially once they are close to being an adult. 

I knew very little of my family history until I was in my fifties, if I had known earlier I may never of had kids of my own. There is so much biology and genetics we pass thru generation to generation I think it's important to know that history.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

AttaBoy said:


> Today my kids found and read some lyrics/poetry I wrote as a teenager that were filled with rage and hopelessness. I could see it shook them up a bit. They know my childhood was traumatic, but I have not shared any details beyond general statements like, "My parents stopped parenting me when I around 10". The truth involves mental illness, inpatient commitment stints, drugs, alcohol, overdoses, self harm, benign neglect, suicide attempts, and suicide. All of which I witnessed
> .
> My kids range in age from mid teens to early 20s. I have been trying to find a time to get into it and talk with my oldest ones, but with college and jobs the only opportunities were holidays, so I have put it off to avoid ruining our time together. I am to the point now where I believe they want to know more, but are respecting my reticence to share much.
> 
> ...


I think their ages are right. You'll just have to remember that they're still young and probably don't know much about this type of psychological stuff. So you'll have to really explain how abuse and neglect affect a person's psychologically and that they can choose to continue the cycle and follow their parents' bad example and carry that over to their own children, or they may rebel and understand that it's wrong and damaging and take steps to make sure they never continue the cycle. 

Explain to them that the things they grow up with are what they will as an adult assume is normal though in time they'll meet people and talk to them and find out that it's not normal for everyone. But that it's sometimes hard to figure that stuff out and that sometimes it affects you even though you're aware of it and can leave fissures and sometimes rage that comes out even though you wish it didn't. 

I hope you can get them to sit still long enough to understand a little bit about it. If you really wanted to invest some money you could take you and them to family therapy and get it all discussed there with the help of a psychologist to explain things. If they are readers you can also try to find a good reference to explain the cycle of abuse and let them read it. being the age of they are they probably think they're too busy for any such thing, so good luck. But they are old enough to understand and even if they don't fully listen now in a few years when their brains are mature, they will be mulling all that over and may have more questions.


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