# Can counseling really change an abuser?



## minerva woman (Feb 28, 2014)

Long story short : My husband has been slapping me once a month since August. The last time he did it, I rebelled against him. Since then I have emotionally disconnected from him. No physical intimacy either. For the past 4 months since that incident, he behaved badly: wild accusations; insulting me and my parents and breaking objects in the house. Basically he didnt like the way I have kept him at a distance and has accused me of making mistakes regarding our relationship.

I decided to leave him and am making plans for that and he is aware of this. So over the past week his attitude mellowed some what. He did admit that slapping me was a wrong. He is speaking like he had some sudden enlightenment from talking to couple of mutual friends. He wants to go to counseling and has begged me not to leave him. He keeps trying to engage me in conversations, asked me for another chance, almost forcing me to make a decision regarding our marriage. But deep down I know that he really believes I made some pretty unforgivable mistakes too; it almost slipped out in his conversation and when I asked him to elaborate he backed down because he didnt want an argument then.

I dont trust this guy. He has broken his promises to me before. I dont keep eye-contact with him, I feel nauseous when we talk about personal stuff and I am scared how much exhausted I feel sometimes.
I am not ready to start work on my marriage or even if I want it to work. 

I feel numb and I know the next few months will be rough for me. 

Have you come across any instances where couples have sorted out this sort of mess through counseling? A mutual friend advised me to try MC but I am having having doubts.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Change is always possible, but it takes a person to be willing. I would not risk it if I were in your shoes. I would leave. 

Your mutual friend sounds like more of your abusive husband's friend than yours.

You do not trust your husband as he is a liar. 

It does not sound as though he wants the counseling to work on his problems, he wants the counseling as a means of keeping you in your deplorable and abusive marriage.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, it can...but depends on the type of abuse. 

I was verbally abusive 4 years ago. Therapy for a year curbed that and I haven't been who I was in about 3 years.  In that case, it worked. It feels great too. 

But physical abuse? I wouldn't think so...i mean...I don't know. How long do you wait? He's slapping you now, what's to say a punch isn't the next time?

I'd be done. I know that much.


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

Slapping you once means that he thinks that was an acceptable choice for him. Slapping you continuously means he thinks that your mental and physical health and happiness is far less important than pretty much anything else, including what he wants to have for lunch. 

You have made the right, sane, healthy choice to leave and I think you know that. I approve and applaud of your choice to leave. I champion your decision to leave! 

Please, please, please do not try to go it alone. Most women return to their abusers multiple times before they leave for good, or are killed, because they feel so alone and vulnerable. Utilize your community resources for abused women - tell your family what has happened and that you are leaving, and let them help you. 

You're in my thoughts!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

CAN someone change? Sure, anything is possible. Is it likely? Not in my books. 

There's nothing saying you can't start a separation/divorce and call it off at any point if you feel he's made sufficient progress. In fact, he should be willing/wNting to do it even under the assumption that you're NOT going to be together, as he needs to do it for himself. If he makes changes for any other reason, they're likely to be temporary, and will slip back as soon as he's comfortable. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I don't know if counseling can help, but he's been slapping you once a month for almost a year, so I don't think you should hang around waiting for counseling to "change" him. 

Leave him, and if he wants to get counseling after that because he wants to change, then he can go do it. Bet you he won't if you leave him, though. 

Anyway, MC won't be enough. He needs an individual counselor to help him with his anger issues and abuse issues. Your and your marriage are not the "reasons" he is slapping you. He is hitting you because HE is messed up and HE needs counseling.

You would do well to get some individual counseling yourself, to help you get through this.


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## Pinkpetal (Jan 2, 2014)

"I dont trust this guy. He has broken his promises to me before. I dont keep eye-contact with him, I feel nauseous when we talk about personal stuff and I am scared how much exhausted I feel sometimes".

This says it all. You know in your gut that this isn't how it's supposed to be. Well done for being smart enough to recognise that a man who says he loves you is completely contradicting himself when he raises a hand to then slap you. It's my opinion that a man who treats his woman that way doesn't know what love is. 

It's my opinion that physical abusers don't really change. Your husband might smarten his act up, but I think the risk of his hitting you again at some point down the road will always be there if you stay with him. I say your best option is divorce. There is a wonderful man out there somewhere that can show you the true meaning of the word "cherish". THAT is how it's supposed to be. 

Best to you.


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