# Introducing a friend



## Link182 (May 25, 2012)

Howdy folks,

I had an occasion to give back today. A lifelong buddy and former military brother texted me today, and told me his tale of betrayal by his wife. My first thought was of you guys. I know I did the worst job of following the advice you all gave me. But I knew if he could find support anywhere and sage wisdom it would be from this group.

Bubba, if you are reading this, don't do what I did. Post your story, be honest. Listen to what these good and knowledgeable folks tell you. I swore up and down they were wrong. Turns out they were right about a great many things.

Love you man, I am always here for you.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

We all tend to think that we are unique in our life experience - and certainly we are in some ways - but in most ways we are walking the same walk that others have. You know the old 'ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee.' It's so true.

So I hope your friend will come and talk. There is a lot of shared wisdom, compassion and just sheer willingness to help others who are hurting. I am often in awe of this place....


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## broken_spirit (Oct 30, 2013)

I found your post friend. I appreciate your friendship and guidance.

I am new here and my story is heartbreaking, to me anyways. I do eventually want to post it, and my main concern is finding out if it was just an emotional affair like my wife keeps telling me. The emails and messages between her and the other man (he's married with a 19 month old) seem to be too 'emotional' for this affair to have not been physical. My wife swears up and down it went on for months, but she never would have let it get to "that point."

The most recent email I read from her to him says:

"I feel very, very lost without you, too. And I'd make a break in a heartbeat for you, but I wouldn't want it to just be for a day. 

That probably scared you away from me again...I really, really hope it didn't. I'm apparently unable to hold back with you. Sorry."

When I found her out (about a month ago) I left the house for four days, she begged me to come back and that she wanted to work on our marriage. As of last night she said she still had feeling for him, but they were slowly going away.

Sorry for rambling, I am a wreck atm.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

It's ok broken you came to the right place.

First thing you should do is get another set of eyes watching these two and let the other man's wife know and exchange as much info you have.

That should keep the om busy trying to save his marriage.

Then get some voice activated recorders put a few in the house and 1 in her car to make sure there is no contact.


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## broken_spirit (Oct 30, 2013)

Thanks Tom67,

I go back and forth, do I want to know more? I don't know. According to my wife, he sent an email to my wife and carbon copied his wife. The contents of that email are too weird to make me assuming she's lying about it. 

He wrote something like this to my wife: 

"Can you explain to my wife (his spouse, cc'd in the email apparently) what our conversation was about that your husband found? I cant remember it"

What he failed to mention in his email confession is that I found dozens of conversations and that the relationship had been going on for months, perhaps a year. all "emotional."

Do you think his wife ever got that? or the full story? this is a gray area.


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## Link182 (May 25, 2012)

broken_spirit said:


> Thanks Tom67,
> 
> "Can you explain to my wife (his spouse, cc'd in the email apparently) what our conversation was about that your husband found? I cant remember it"


When you told me how IT savy this guy was and that he and your wife were using dummy email addresses to communicate, my first thought was this. He could have CC'd yet another dummy address he made up to pose as his wife's email. This is why I recommended contacting her yourself and confirming that she knows. Unless you know that is her real personal email address for sure.

Not to mention his the ducking the truth you know about and being so deceitfully dismissive as if to say we weren't really cheating and I can't remember what we were talking about in the email his wife "supposedly" read.

Not to make light, but our bet was a beer she knows nothing.

Love you brother


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I can't with all certainty say that your wife's EA was a PA. But the likelihood is that it was. For now, you should assume that unless or until you can confirm it wasn't. Generally men don't fool around in an EA for months. The longer they were in contact the more likely the PA.

As the cheater's script goes, the WS will only admit to what they know you have proof of. They won't admit anything more. My wife gave me the same "it's only an EA" line before I found more evidence, and if you'll follow the threads here, you'll find that type of "trickle truth" is the norm. 

So, assuming is was a PA, do you still want to reconcile with her? You have to answer that question first. Then, you need to find out the truth. You'll get plenty of advice here on how to find it; either through cell phone/computer forensics or covert surveillance; and if that doesn't do it, you can ask her to take a polygraph.

I don't generally advise that a BS goes forward with R until they know what they're trying to forgive.

Sorry you're here. Keep posting.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Betrayed spouses NEVER get the whole story. Guaranteed you haven't, and neither has OM's wife.

Have a look at this link to get started, pay special attention to 'trickle truth'

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739

You are very right to want to know the full truth. Unless you can find a smoking gun, it may take a polygraph to get it though.

My advice is always to go stealth and snoop in a case like this. And to get STD tested.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

broken_spirit said:


> I found your post friend. I appreciate your friendship and guidance.
> 
> I am new here and my story is heartbreaking, to me anyways. I do eventually want to post it, and my main concern is finding out if it was just an emotional affair like my wife keeps telling me. The emails and messages between her and the other man (he's married with a 19 month old) seem to be too *'emotional' for this affair to have not been physical*. My wife swears up and down it went on for months, but she never would have let it get to "that point."
> 
> ...


I was a wreck when I was in your shoes. Ramble on as needed.

An emotional affair (EA) can be just as bad as a physical affair (PA).

Almost guaranteed that she is lying about it not being a PA.

It sounds like a typical affair. She is in the fog. She doesn't care about you, except that you are there for her security.

Leaving was good because it got her attention. If you really must know if it was a PA, you might have blown it by letting her know that you know.

A month out. It is probably still to fresh and raw to be comprehended. She is only telling you the tip of the iceburg.

Standard advice is to begin to emotionally distance yourself. Look up and follow the "180." Do not coddle or comfort her no matter how much she pulls the "victim" card.

It is usually easier to start HARD with divorce (D) plans. You can get her out of the fog, and later reconcile (R) if you feel good about her progress.

Take care of yourself!!! You should find some trusted friends and family to spend time with. Stay out of trouble with drinking, revenge affairs, domestic violence, etc.

Please fill us in on more of the details about your status.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

If you are not going to spy to get more evidence, you sould expose the affair. You should start by contacting the OM's wife.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Lovemytruck said:


> If you are not going to spy to get more evidence, you sould expose the affair. You should start by contacting the OM's wife.


And don't tell her you are going to do this just do it.

This way she can't give him a heads up and call you crazy or whatever.


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## broken_spirit (Oct 30, 2013)

Lovemytruck said:


> If you are not going to spy to get more evidence, you sould expose the affair. You should start by contacting the OM's wife.


My only holdback on this is that I morally dont feel good about disrupting another marriage with a child. It could change that kids life forever. I havent even told my own kids, mainly because they are too young. 

My gut says she's full of sh*t about a non-PA. But, all of the communication I have recovered between them doesnt mention anything specific (i.e. your so soft, last night was awesome, you have a great ass etc ... ) And believe me, I have tons of their conversations. Denial? maybe. but no hard facts. She did seem really concerned about me contacting him and mentioning she had an incurable VD (not HIV/AIDS) Shes had this for years, I am negative still.

It's all too new. One day I am happy, the next pissed, then sad, disappointed and so on. I guess this is how crazy people feel daily. sucks for them because it is no place to be.

The latest communication they had when I found out was about some song he was writing about her and they couldnt figure out how to get together so she could hear it. 

btw, why are there 10 options for a happy emoticons and one for sad in this forum. should be reversed.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

It isn't YOU that is disrupting OM's family!! OM has already done that. You telling his wife is actually PROTECTING his family. If your wife has a STD and is exposing him, then he's also exposing his wife! Not to mention that she's bound to find out anyway. And OM is living a total lie with her and with his kids. 

Sorry I get all bent out of shape when people use this logic for not telling someones spouse that they're cheating on them. When you REALLY think about it, it doesn't even make sense, but it's how we're conditioned to think about cheating. If OM was involved with drug dealers or something who could potentially go to his house and shoot his wife and kids would you feel that you should expose that?? It's the same thing.

Everything that you've learned about attitudes towards cheating and cheaters needs to be turned on it's head.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

broken_spirit said:


> My only holdback on this is that I morally dont feel good about disrupting another marriage with a child. It could change that kids life forever. I havent even told my own kids, mainly because they are too young.
> 
> My gut says she's full of sh*t about a non-PA. But, all of the communication I have recovered between them doesnt mention anything specific (i.e. your so soft, last night was awesome, you have a great ass etc ... ) And believe me, I have tons of their conversations. Denial? maybe. but no hard facts. *She did seem really concerned about me contacting him and mentioning she had an incurable VD (not HIV/AIDS) Shes had this for years*, I am negative still.


^^ with re the bold:

It's all the more reason you should inform his wife. She has a right to protect herself - even if they used condoms there's a possibility that she has contracted the same STI. 

Tell her face to face. It's the moral thing to do.


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## broken_spirit (Oct 30, 2013)

An emotional affair (EA) can be just as bad as a physical affair (PA).


She seems really fixated on the fact that, because it wasnt a PA (according to her) that its not an "affair" or it's not as bad. In fact, some of my friends hear EA, and are not bothered by this. 

She explains to her friends "I didnt know I was doing something wrong until I saw my husbands reaction when he found out" and her female friends usually respond "so it wasnt physical? Thats not so serious" which scares me, because they are almost making her feel (in my mind) that what she did was acceptable in a way because it wasnt a PA. 

heck, she seems to think it's not that bad because there wasnt a PA (I dont have proof of a non PA)

EA's are tough, I am hear to tell you. Especially long term EAs. and reading their communications is heartbreaking.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Broken Spirit

If you want to find out the truth and really know what you are dealing with you have to notify the OM's wife.

It is as simple as that.

You cannot do it by facebook or email because the OM is too savvy. And frankly so is your wife now.

They are covering their tracks now which tells me that there is more to their story.

It also means they are not done with their Affair.

So contact his wife and get her the truth. Them having a young kid did not stop them from cheating. Do not let it stop you.

We know you are hurting. Your wife is still lying to you. We call that trickle truth. Google it.

It is the lies that destroy marriages my man.

Be sure to include in the email that your wife has VD. The OM, his wife and maybe their child need to be tested.

You play it safe as well.

Keep posting.

HM


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> It isn't YOU that is disrupting OM's family!! OM has already done that. You telling his wife is actually PROTECTING his family. If your wife has a STD and is exposing him, then he's also exposing his wife! Not to mention that she's bound to find out anyway. And OM is living a total lie with her and with his kids.
> 
> Sorry I get all bent out of shape when people use this logic for not telling someones spouse that they're cheating on them. When you REALLY think about it, it doesn't even make sense, but it's how we're conditioned to think about cheating. If OM was involved with drug dealers or something who could potentially go to his house and shoot his wife and kids would you feel that you should expose that?? It's the same thing.
> 
> Everything that you've learned about attitudes towards cheating and cheaters needs to be turned on it's head.


:iagree::iagree:
Broken if it were the other way around wouldn't you want to know?
I'm sure your buddy link told you the same thing.
You know it's the right thing to do. DO IT!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

People who know nothing about it always say EA's 'aren't that bad'. It's utter drivel.

Read this book

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

Did you have a look at the newbie link I posted?


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

The only thing I would add is that you really should try to reach her face to face (don't tell your wife), and show her, rather than tell her. Meaning if you have mountains of proof, give her a copy of this. (Make sure it does not get intercepted if you can not meet face to face and get proof that she has all thie info).

This guy messed up your marriage. You don't owe him anything!! 

The most common result is that your wife gets immeidately thrown under a bus, because that guy may want to save his own neck. She will still pine for him until the fog is lifted. There are other outcomes also, but let's take this one step at a time, so please expose.

The other guy is probably crapping in his pants that this may happen to him.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

OR go all Inspector Gadget on them. Keylogger, phone spyware, VARs, PI, whatever you can afford, do. Then when you have hard evidence of a PA go to his wife.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

broken_spirit said:


> ...She explains to her friends "I didnt know I was doing something wrong until I saw my husbands reaction when he found out" and her female friends usually respond "so it wasnt physical? Thats not so serious" ...



Ask her how she'd feel if you posted all her emails on to a public forum or better yet forwarded them to her parents and friends. 

If they're 'not so bad' then she shouldn't object. But you know she'd have a conniption.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

broken_spirit said:


> My only holdback on this is that I morally dont feel good about disrupting another marriage with a child. It could change that kids life forever. I havent even told my own kids, mainly because they are too young.
> 
> *It is a way to stop the affair. It is a way to get more of the truth. The morally wrong part was the A, not you discussing it with the OM's wife. Limit what the kids know except that mom had/has a boyfriend and dad is hurt.*
> 
> ...


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

broken_spirit said:


> An emotional affair (EA) can be just as bad as a physical affair (PA).
> 
> 
> She seems really fixated on the fact that, because it wasnt a PA (according to her) that its not an "affair" or it's not as bad. In fact, some of my friends hear EA, and are not bothered by this.
> ...


She thinks so because she "knows" you won't leave her. She knows you love your kids to much to leave her.

The way OM and your wife sound, they are hell bent on manipulating you. Even the mail is carefully crafted to be manipulative. Please assume that this is a PA.

How did you find out about the affair ?

How long was this affair going on ?

Who is the OM?/How did she meet him ?

How did you find out ?

How did she react when you found out and confronted her about her affair ?

Regarding the VD, let the OM find it out through his wife. She probably got it from him. And when you contact his wife, do let her know so that she can get tested/

By letting the OM's wife know about his scumbag ways, you are actually offering the option of staying or divorcing his lying ass. This is no longer about spite or revenge. This is common decency.

Can you afford a polygraph ?


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## broken_spirit (Oct 30, 2013)

*Thanks to everyone so far for the conclusive advice. *

In my heart I want to move forward with telling the other spouse (OS?) or making sure she was told the whole story.

apparently the other spouse was sent a half-assed email from him saying (posted earlier) basically that I found "a" conversation between them and I didnt want them to see each other again. That being said, suppose she got this and he played it off as "he's a really husband"

If in fact that is the story other spouse got (assumption because he's a coward and made my wife tell his, because apparently he had amnesia for the last several months.) How do I send an email asking the other wife to talk with me, she might think I am a lunatic for all I know.

Basically, how do I initiate the conversation, and why hasnt she reached out to me?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

broken_spirit said:


> *Thanks to everyone so far for the conclusive advice. *
> 
> In my heart I want to move forward with telling the other spouse (OS?) or making sure she was told the whole story.
> 
> ...


Best way is to go see her in person if you can.

This way an email doesn't get intercepted.


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

I was similarly in your shoes(before I found this site). It was even suggested to me that the OMW knows, etc., so no need for me to spill the beans. 

Do you know where she lives? Where she works?

I knew where the betrayed spouse worked and first sent her an email with one example of attached proof. Told her to call me. I felt terrible at the time, because I knew her and she is a sweetheart. Told her in the email to grab some tissues first before she reads the entire email and proof. Then to call me to make sure she received this. Which she did.

Other people go directly to the house knowing when the husband isn't home and bring the proof.

You will get to her if you are determined. Keep digging.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What do you know about his wife ? Her Facebook ? her place if work ? Or probably her work email ?


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## broken_spirit (Oct 30, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> She thinks so because she "knows" you won't leave her. She knows you love your kids to much to leave her.
> 
> The way OM and your wife sound, they are hell bent on manipulating you. Even the mail is carefully crafted to be manipulative. Please assume that this is a PA.
> 
> ...


found out by picking up her phone one night randomly because she had been acting "off" for several months, at one point she told me she wanted a divorce because she "wasnt happy"

It has been going on for at least a year

He was a coworker that left the job several months before I found out, contact obviously continued

When I found out, I quietly packed a bag (about 2am) and was trying to get out of the house without her knowing. she woke up and asked what I was doing, I said "I heard something outside and was going to investigate." then left for 4 days

How much is a polygraph?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If I was contacting the spouse of someone my husband cheated with, I would try to get their phone number and call them and ask them to meet me somewhere public, and go with printed evidence to show them. BS's usually don't want to believe it at first, and it takes incontrovertible proof.

Also, like I mentioned, you may want to gather some more evidence and find out for sure that it's PA, because what you have right now hasn't convinced even you, so it certainly won't convince her.


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## broken_spirit (Oct 30, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> What do you know about his wife ? Her Facebook ? her place if work ? Or probably her work email ?


I know where she works, email and phone. Was thinking about sending proof to her place of work in a fedEx signature required package. that way I'll know she got it, and it wasnt intercepted.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She probably swore on the kids that this wasn't a PA, right ?

How was your sex life during her affair ?

The price depends on where you live Google it along with your local area name. It is not the actual polygraph that gives you the real answers. They are actually not that reliable. The threat of a polygraph or parking lot confessions at the polygraph place are usually the most successful aspects of bringing one.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

How do you know OMW even got this supposed email?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

broken_spirit said:


> I know where she works, email and phone. Was thinking about sending proof to her place of work in a fedEx signature required package. that way I'll know she got it, and it wasnt intercepted.


Good plan and make sure you give her your cell#.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

broken_spirit said:


> How much is a polygraph?


Depends on where you live ... around here it's anywhere from $300 - $500 (over the last few years)

You can gauge here truthfulness by telling her you're looking into the logistics of getting one scheduled letting her know when it's been arranged. 

If she's eager for one - get one arranged and see if she doesn't start trying to talk you out of it little by little. 

If she berates your lack of trust or that it demeans her etc you can bet she's got plenty to hide. 

If the OM wasn't already married she'd have left you in a heartbeat. She still doesn't get that he was just after a few easy pieces.


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## broken_spirit (Oct 30, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> How do you know OMW even got this supposed email?


I dont. It's totally fishy.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

broken_spirit said:


> I know where she works, email and phone. Was thinking about sending proof to her place of work in a fedEx signature required package. that way I'll know she got it, and it wasnt intercepted.


That would probably work. If it was me, and she worked fairly close, I would go and deliver it myself. 

Include a heart felt message and your cell phone number and email so that she can get in touch with you if she wants.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Find her number.

Call her and introduce yourself.

Tell her that you have more evidence about her H's affair with your wife and would like to send it to her if she wants to. offer options. be calm when you contact her. tell her about your suspicions

She may or may not react hostile depending on how the OM projected you to his wife and her own motivations to save her family(OM: "He(you) is controlling ******* who is abusing his wife(your W) and I(OM) was just being a friend to her. be careful when he contacts you for address. He might put our family in danger")


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Or just send her the FedEx with a note and all the evidence.

Ask her to call you to let you know she received it.

The rest is up to her.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

broken_spirit said:


> I know where she works, email and phone. Was thinking about sending proof to her place of work in a fedEx signature required package. that way I'll know she got it, and it wasnt intercepted.


Thanks for your service. I have over 39 years of military time. 

This would be a good way to do it. I would also give her your phone number if she wants to talk. Sometimes they will sometimes they won't. 

Don't inform your wife about what you are doing.

If you send the package you will find out very soon if they are still in contact. 

Post the dude on cheaterville.com.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Broken,

The affair is physical.
It's been ongoing for a year, the messages are ridiculous explained any other way, she was scared you'd tell him about her STD.

Understand this one thing regardless of what your wife tells you because she's lying.
She's been lying so long she believes herself.

She had sex with him and is going to have sex with him again just as soon as all this blows over.

If YOU allow it to blow over by continuing down the road you've chosen.

Now you need to decide soon if you think you can reconcile this marriage KNOWING your wife spread her legs for another man AND is in love with him.

If you cannot reconcile this then you need go no further, file for divorce because you have all the evidence you need to justify the divorce right now.

Think about the above because it's the truth and you know it and you are the only person you need to convince.

If you wish to reconcile (and I don't know why you would).

You need to print hardcopies of all the evidence you have, messages, call logs, whatever and get it into the hands of the other mans wife (personally or by certified mail to her work) along with your contact info and a short, rational, polite, note expressing the desire to speak with her about this situation.
She should be your ally eventually.

Wait.....

Until the OM goes into damage control in an effort to salvage his own marriage and throws your wife under the bus.

Your wife will freak out.

When you see how she reacts to this then you'll know what you can do to salvage your own marriage.

Pay attention, pay very close attention to possible motivations she may have for doing anything during this time.
Judge her actions ignore her words.

Do anything else and you're screwed.

If you want more evidence first (I don't think you need it) then velcro a VAR under her car seat you'll have your evidence within a day.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I also believe this was a PA.

Don't waste your money on a poly. Not worth the time nor the money.

VAR in the wife's car.

It does suck but at least she is being honest about her feelings for the OM. My wife did the same thing. It hurt like hel* when she told me she still had feelings. But it is part of the process.

Now the hard work begins. Is she still in the A? Was it a PA? is there more?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

OH...start the 180 right now.


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## shattered dreams (Oct 29, 2013)

Broken Spirit, I've been lurking on this site for 2 years now. If I had posted my story and followed the advice many would have given, it would have saved me and my family sooo much pain and I could have been further along with R. I discovered almost everything that was suggested to others, I should have done, especially Full Exposure. Full Exposure to family, friends, the OMW and co-workers makes it harder for them to take it further underground, because they will. Another option that works is where you show her you don't need her and help her pack, and drop her stuff off at the OM's home. She wants him, she can have him. This kills the fantasy which the affair thrives on. If she decides to stay with you and try R, then surveillance is a must. Cheaters Lie, and you can not trust her until she comes out of the fog. VAR under the car seat, VAR in your bedroom, VAR in her office (this was money for me) Search and read on this site and you will see many examples of what worked and what did not. I bet you were unhappy too and could have done the same, but you choose to be faithful. Good luck, be strong, and take care of you.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

The 180 is on my sig line

Be sure to tell the OMW that your wife has an incurable STI and she needs to be checked for that particular pathogen asap.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

walkonmars said:


> The 180 is on my sig line
> 
> Be sure to tell the OMW that your wife has an incurable STI and she needs to be checked for that particular pathogen asap.


Don't go there with the STD lie. It will show you as a nut job. It is always tempting to do these sorts of things but they often back fire. Right now you do not know how the OMW is going to handle this. She may be in complete denial. Making yourself look like a jackarse at this point will do you no good. Don't be a knucklehead.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

broken_spirit said:


> My only holdback on this is that I morally dont feel good about disrupting another marriage with a child. It could change that kids life forever. I havent even told my own kids, mainly because they are too young.
> 
> My gut says she's full of sh*t about a non-PA. But, all of the communication I have recovered between them doesnt mention anything specific (i.e. your so soft, last night was awesome, you have a great ass etc ... ) And believe me, I have tons of their conversations. Denial? maybe. but no hard facts. She did seem really concerned about me contacting him and mentioning she had an incurable VD (not HIV/AIDS) Shes had this for years, I am negative still.
> 
> ...


She really does have an STD.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

shattered dreams said:


> Broken Spirit, I've been lurking on this site for 2 years now. If I had posted my story and followed the advice many would have given, it would have saved me and my family sooo much pain and I could have been further along with R. I discovered almost everything that was suggested to others, I should have done, especially Full Exposure. Full Exposure to family, friends, the OMW and co-workers makes it harder for them to take it further underground, because they will. Another option that works is where you show her you don't need her and help her pack, and drop her stuff off at the OM's home. She wants him, she can have him. This kills the fantasy which the affair thrives on. If she decides to stay with you and try R, then surveillance is a must. Cheaters Lie, and you can not trust her until she comes out of the fog. VAR under the car seat, VAR in your bedroom, VAR in her office (this was money for me) Search and read on this site and you will see many examples of what worked and what did not. I bet you were unhappy too and could have done the same, but you choose to be faithful. Good luck, be strong, and take care of you.


Thread jack....

Welcome to TAM. I lurked for a couple of years too. Glad to have you on board.


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## broken_spirit (Oct 30, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> *Don't go there with the STD lie.* It will show you as a nut job. It is always tempting to do these sorts of things but they often back fire. Right now you do not know how the OMW is going to handle this. She may be in complete denial. Making yourself look like a jackarse at this point will do you no good. Don't be a knucklehead.


Its no lie, in fact I wouldnt have even thought about it, but my wife made a HUGE issue out of making sure I never tell him. Thats what struck me as weird. Especially for an EA. something isnt right. 

Interestingly enough, the last unsent message from my wife to him was "there is something you need to know about me, but I am afraid it will change things." she says she cant remember what she was going to say. 

Its amazing how cheaters cant remember anything, it's unreal.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

You are starting to see what we all do. Learn. Read other threads. The common theme will amaze you. It is crazy how common your story is to this board.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

broken_spirit said:


> found out by picking up her phone one night randomly because *she had been acting "off" for several months, at one point she told me she wanted a divorce because she "wasnt happy"*
> 
> It has been going on for at least a year
> 
> ...


Hey, do I see a full blown PA over there?

Good sir, no woman leaves a marriage in a hurry before "testing and approving" the other man. Just EA she says? Yeah, I'm Mother Theresa.

VARify her car. You'll get the truth within the week.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

broken_spirit said:


> Its no lie, in fact I wouldnt have even thought about it, but my wife made a HUGE issue out of making sure I never tell him. Thats what struck me as weird. Especially for an EA. something isnt right.
> 
> Interestingly enough, the last unsent message from my wife to him was "there is something you need to know about me, but I am afraid it will change things." she says she cant remember what she was going to say.
> 
> Its amazing how cheaters cant remember anything, it's unreal.


Sorry for missing that. Long day here at work and my counseling load was heavy.

I suspect that it was the STD she was referring. Can't be sure can we? 

Man, I don't know what I would do. Expose the fact that your wife has an STD might bite you in the long run. Expose the A, yes. I would wait to expose the fact that she has an STD for the moment.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

IMO you should expose the STI angle. It has the potential of ruining her fertility if not actually endangering her life.

Chance it.... if she doesn't believe it then so be it -


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What I'd like to know is why she's trying to tell you what you can and cannot tell OM. Who the hell does she think she is anyway?? She should be groveling at your feet right now.


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## Link182 (May 25, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> What I'd like to know is why she's trying to tell you what you can and cannot tell OM. Who the hell does she think she is anyway?? She should be groveling at your feet right now.


:iagree:

Posted because it wouldn't let me like it twice!


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> IMO you should expose the STI angle. It has the potential of ruining her fertility if not actually endangering her life.


I agree, and it would also blow the fantasy sky high for the OM. Why do you think she's so terrified of him finding this out? Kind of obvious, eh?

This would be WAY high on my affair busting "to do" list.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> IMO you should expose the STI angle. It has the potential of ruining her fertility if not actually endangering her life.
> 
> Chance it.... if she doesn't believe it then so be it -


It could be a serious health risk I would let her know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

broken_spirit said:


> An emotional affair (EA) can be just as bad as a physical affair (PA).
> 
> 
> She seems really fixated on the fact that, because it wasnt a PA (according to her) that its not an "affair" or it's not as bad. In fact, some of my friends hear EA, and are not bothered by this.
> ...


And your wife needs to understand that her EA-happy friends don't have a say in YOUR marriage or on what YOU will deem appropriate and whatnot.


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## broken_spirit (Oct 30, 2013)

besides telling the offenders wife. What is the best way to drop a MOAB (mother of all bombs) on the fantasy? How do I kill the fantasy for good, what is it's kryptonite?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Here's an article from MB that you may find interesting as far as how those "friends" define adultery, Broken.

What is an Affair?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

broken_spirit said:


> besides telling the offenders wife. What is the best way to drop a MOAB (mother of all bombs) on the fantasy? How do I kill the fantasy for good, what is it's kryptonite?


Kick her cheating a$$ to the curb.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

It sounds totally counter intuitive, but if she is truly remorseful - TRULY remorseful, as defined in that link I posted (which btw did you read it?) kicking her out will wake her the hell up. It woke my husband right up, let me tell you. It's just like an addict who has to hit rock bottom.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

And if kicking her out just means she is able to continue the affair without having to worry about you, well, then you know exactly where you stand, right?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

broken_spirit said:


> besides telling the offenders wife. What is the best way to drop a MOAB (mother of all bombs) on the fantasy? How do I kill the fantasy for good, what is it's kryptonite?


IMO, the STI info. This is the one thing that makes me believe (just a smidgen mind you) that this may not have gone physical yet.

I wouldn't hold my breath though.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

People will now come on and tell you that you can't legally kick her out, which may be true. but that isn't the point. Just the fact you want to be rid of her will send her a very strong message. And if she does actually meekly move out, that's a good sign. If she argues and fights you and crap then she's NOT showing true remorse.

Like I said before she should be a quivering mass of jelly at your feet right now. Not trying to be defiant at ALL.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Contact her in person as soon as you can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## broken_spirit (Oct 30, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Kick her cheating a$$ to the curb.


thats more of the all else fails scenario. I was thinking tell the other guys wife and then turning on the 180 theory the same day. 

She doesnt seem to show a lot of remorse, i mean I would think she would be kissing a$$. if I got busted and a second chance id be on my knees 24/7 for at least 6 months. She kissed a$$ for about a week and now just wants things to be "the way they were. "


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## broken_spirit (Oct 30, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> It sounds totally counter intuitive, but if she is truly remorseful - TRULY remorseful, as defined in that link I posted *(which btw did you read it?)* kicking her out will wake her the hell up. It woke my husband right up, let me tell you. It's just like an addict who has to hit rock bottom.


I did


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

broken_spirit said:


> besides telling the offenders wife. What is the best way to drop a MOAB (mother of all bombs) on the fantasy? How do I kill the fantasy for good, what is it's kryptonite?


That is the Kryptonite.

That's where the rubber meets the road.
That's where all the bull**** he's been telling your wife gets exposed.
99.9% chance he trashes your wife to his wife and goes NC on her.
This shows your wife she wasn't something "special" but rather just a piece on the side.

He'll choose his wife over yours and she'll see.

You keep doing the 180 and call a lawyer.
Have him write up the D papers and give them to her.

Hit her from all sides at once, she'll be in the midst of losing everything and see how she reacts.

You don't have to go through with the D papers if you don't want but holding them in her hand will be an eye opener.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

broken_spirit said:


> thats more of the all else fails scenario. I was thinking tell the other guys wife and then turning on the 180 theory the same day.
> 
> She doesnt seem to show a lot of remorse, i mean I would think she would be kissing a$$. if I got busted and a second chance id be on my knees 24/7 for at least 6 months. She kissed a$$ for about a week and now just wants things to be "the way they were. "


Of course she does. You have to make sure she sees the error of her ways.

Kicking my husband out was my FIRST choice. I must be made of different stuff than most people though, because almost no one ever does that. Funny thing is, our marriage today is a thousand times better than it was before I kicked him out. The whole sordid experience has actually led us to the place we both wanted to be in in the first place. Of course, this is because he has done what he needed to do, and continues to do so over 3 years later. We have both done a TON of hard work to get where we are today.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

broken_spirit said:


> ... it was just an emotional affair like my wife keeps telling me.


As long as you and/or your wife minimize an emotional affair (using the words "just" above), you will not have any possibility of true and respectable reconciliation.

An EA is about 95% the same as a physical affair (PA). Don't minimize this! Don't feel relieved if you come to find she "just" had an EA instead of a PA. Both are very bad, and an EA is pretty darn bad too.

If I were you, I would do NOTHING to woo her back, seduce her back...don't fall into the "I need to earn her back and fight for her" syndrome...that only makes you look worse to her and she will have even less respect for you.

You need to stop with the nice guy approach. You need to nurture your inner "diick" a bit. She is the one that F'd up.

Don't be a puussy...be that man...that man that deserves and demands respect! 

Hope it works out for you...


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> She thinks so because she "knows" you won't leave her. She knows you love your kids to much to leave her.
> 
> The way OM and your wife sound, they are hell bent on manipulating you. Even the mail is carefully crafted to be manipulative. Please assume that this is a PA.
> 
> ...


This heads up about the VD (herpes?) will really p!ss OMW off. She will bust his chops. Probably it will help to keep him away.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

When you watch what your wife does, think of this, the other man just wants her for a piece of tail. Unfortunately, she is in love with him. He writes her love songs. That's why she isn't groveling at your feet. In fact, she doesn't even like you, the guy that's screwing up her whole life.

The golden rule here is cheaters lie like they were born to it. believe nothing your wife or other man say. They have been living this sordid affair for at least a year. She has looked you in the eye and literally lied thousands of times.

The biggest clue about a PA is your sex life. Did it go up or down in frequency? Has anything changed in her technique? If frequency went up its because you were a substitute for OM. If it went down or disappeared it was because she didn't want to cheat on the POSOM.

Contact his wife as fast as possible with all the evidence.

Does your wife go out on GNOs? When could they have been hooking up?

If you don't want to pay a lawyer at this point and you need to show her how serious this is, go online and print off divorce papers for your state, you may have to pick them up at the county courthouse, and accidently let her find them.

You need to shake up her world.

I, like many others, are sure the affair is still going on. They are still contacting each other so they can gaslight the you and the OMW. As long as there is contact its an affair and they are not trying to stop it.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

broken_spirit said:


> besides telling the offenders wife. What is the best way to drop a MOAB (mother of all bombs) on the fantasy? How do I kill the fantasy for good, what is it's kryptonite?


Go see a lawyer and find out your divorce rights. Bring home a divorce packet and start filling it out. If you confirm the affair is ongoing or went PA, file without letting her know. Have her served at work. It will be one of the worst days of her life. 

If that shocks her out of the fog and gets her to come clean on everything and repent, you then have the power to either dismiss the divorce petition or let it ride while she proves to you she wants to save the M. If it doesn't dissuade her, then you are just that much farther along in the process. 

You need to get into the mindset that your marriage as you knew it is dead. If you can kill the affair and get her to want to reconcile, then a new marriage can be built.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

LostViking said:


> Go see a lawyer and find out your divorce rights. Bring home a divorce packet and start filling it out. If you confirm the affair is ongoing or went PA, file without letting her know. Have her served at work. It will be one of the worst days of her life.
> 
> If that shocks her out of the fog and gets her to come clean on everything and repent, you then have the power to either dismiss the divorce petition or let it ride while she proves to you she wants to save the M. If it doesn't dissuade her, then you are just that much farther along in the process.
> 
> ...



Gaaaa, I hate this advice. Its to soon to talk to a lawyer. He's going to tell you all the things you cant legally do. As in using a VAR.

If you can go to bestbuy or walmart tonight and put a var in her car for tomorrow. Get one that cost 50-60 dollars, lithium batteries and check out how they function. You do not want it beeping or something. Get heavy duty Velcro and stick it securely under her seat. They always feel safe to talk in the car. Here is a bestbuy link so you can see what you are looking for. 

voice recorders - Best Buy

If you can afford it, get at least one more for the house where she might make a call.

Does she keep her phone tied to her? Has she given you her passwords?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

OM is writing love songs to celebrate the not yet carnal thing that is going on between them. Right. The good news they may have used rubbers. But she loves him a lot and the experience she has protecting you may have served her.

Is the STD asymptomatic most of the time?


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Broken Spirit, forgive me but you come across as very whimpy, weak, and scared of her. No wonder she lost respect for you. You are so worried about waking her up when you attempted to leave at 4am, lying to her about hearing something outside. You are so worried about the other man's family. You need to man up and stop playing the hurt little boy. No wonder she wants out...you need to be more of a F'ing Diick! Man up....your posts are making me feel disgusted about you, and wonder if maybe your wife got sick of your mousy ways too.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

WalterWhite said:


> Broken Spirit, forgive me but you come across as very whimpy, weak, and scared of her. No wonder she lost respect for you. You are so worried about waking her up when you attempted to leave at 4am, lying to her about hearing something outside. You are so worried about the other man's family. You need to man up and stop playing the hurt little boy. No wonder she wants out...you need to be more of a F'ing Diick! Man up....your posts are making me feel disgusted about you, and wonder if maybe your wife got sick of your mousy ways too.


Doesn't come across that way to me. Not one bit. Annnnnd your post isn't very helpful. You're better than that. This man is hurting and here for help.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

broken_spirit said:


> harsh, but good to see how I come across. I agree with you too. I have noticed this over the years.


Go to the MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER blog and get the book. Men can become passive,sweet nice guys after marriage. Its a sure fire way to lose a wifes sttraction. If you follow the amazon link below, you can download it on your tablet or computer. I wouldn't wait for the book. It isn't a sex manual, its how to attract and keep you wife attracted.

You also need to read NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY, google that, you can download it for free.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

broken_spirit said:


> An emotional affair (EA) can be just as bad as a physical affair (PA).
> 
> 
> She seems really fixated on the fact that, because it wasnt a PA (according to her) that its not an "affair" or it's not as bad. In fact, some of my friends hear EA, and are not bothered by this.
> ...




To me, they are one and the same. I hope I said that right.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Broken spirit 

Your getting some good advice here and the only thing I can tell you is your being a nice guy through this mess and letting your wife dictate policy in your marriage. Look at it from this point of view.

An EA is cheating. Hurts every bit as much as a PA because the feelings she has for the OM should be directed to you and she should be falling all over herself trying to fix it if she really wanted to, but she see's you backing up rather than standing your ground and when that happens, your leaving the door wide open for her to have options and those options are continuing this thing with the OM knowing that your willing to back pedal even farther back and before you know it, your back is against the wall with no room where as it should be her backed into a corner.

Both her and the OM will show you no mercy if you let it go on so DO NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT TELLING HIS WIFE. You aren't the one destroying his family, your wife and the OM are doing a good job of doing that just like their doing the same thing to you family for their own selfish gains. In a situation like this, you cannot play fair. You'll lose big time and have only yourself to blame for it. Your going to have to climb in the mud pit with them and get dirty. 

My advice is to get her to a polygraph test and if she stalls, then you let her know that it's either the polygraph test or your lawyer and let her know this in a way that your at the end of the line with her and you'll have no problem blowing them both out of the water and they will have no one to blame but themselves. Also let her family and friends know about her affair with them and I think that package from Fed ex is a great idea.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Broken

You have other priorities now, but in the event that you do try to reconcile (after exposing to the OMW) be sure she drops those wacko friends who don't see anything 'that bad' with conducting an EMA.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Doesn't come across that way to me. Not one bit. Annnnnd your post isn't very helpful. You're better than that. This man is hurting and here for help.


I don't mean to be mean. I want to shock him out of his own fog. He is not thinking, and coddling from most of you is just making it all worse for him. I'm that buddy he needs, to talk sense into him. He needs to man up and feel a little outrage. Thank God I have friends that have done this to me....this is not the time to be wimpy...man up and protect your children, you good name, your honor....reclaim respect!!!


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## Dimepiece (Oct 28, 2013)

Your in denial.. Why are you still with her? Stop acting weak or she will do this again, and it's most likely a PA. Do 180, not one of those betrayed husbands who are too scared to man up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

WalterWhite said:


> I don't mean to be mean. I want to shock him out of his own fog. He is not thinking, and coddling from most of you is just making it all worse for him. I'm that buddy he needs, to talk sense into him. He needs to man up and feel a little outrage. Thank God I have friends that have done this to me....this is not the time to be wimpy...man up and protect your children, you good name, your honor....reclaim respect!!!


Well, damn WW, he's only been here a few hours after experiencing the most traumatizing revelation of his life. Let's give the guy some time to absorb what he's being fed before labeling him as something that you and the rest of us really have no clue about.

I'm sure your intentions are good motivational wise, but let's give the guy some benefit of the doubt at the moment.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

OMG, as a wife I can tell you for sure that I would want to know if my husband was cheating on me...ESPECIALLY if he has been exposed to disease!!!!! Please tell his poor wife.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

broken_spirit said:


> My only holdback on this is that I morally dont feel good about disrupting another marriage with a child. It could change that kids life forever. I havent even told my own kids, mainly because they are too young.


Too late. The disruption and life changes have already started. You, the other man's wife (OMW), your wife and her "emotional" lover should all be the same page.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I, too, think this is PA already. The kryptonite is exposing to the OMW and to family. And then telling the OM that he can have her. She's all his now. Tell her to leave and go to him. You have no use for a wife who cheats and lies, but it seems to be his thing. And then doing the 180.

Stop calling it an emotional affair. Tell people that your wife has a boyfriend. They won't argue semantics with you if you say that.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

:iagree:


shattered dreams said:


> Broken Spirit, I've been lurking on this site for 2 years now. If I had posted my story and followed the advice many would have given, it would have saved me and my family sooo much pain and I could have been further along with R. I discovered almost everything that was suggested to others, I should have done, especially Full Exposure. Full Exposure to family, friends, the OMW and co-workers makes it harder for them to take it further underground, because they will. Another option that works is where you show her you don't need her and help her pack, and drop her stuff off at the OM's home. She wants him, she can have him. This kills the fantasy which the affair thrives on. If she decides to stay with you and try R, then surveillance is a must. Cheaters Lie, and you can not trust her until she comes out of the fog. VAR under the car seat, VAR in your bedroom, VAR in her office (this was money for me) Search and read on this site and you will see many examples of what worked and what did not. I bet you were unhappy too and could have done the same, but you choose to be faithful. Good luck, be strong, and take care of you.


:iagree:


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Slight threadjack, yeah right I love your avitar the possessed chihuahua.
End threadjack.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> I, too, think this is PA already. The kryptonite is exposing to the OMW and to family. And then telling the OM that he can have her. She's all his now. Tell her to leave and go to him. You have no use for a wife who cheats and lies, but it seems to be his thing. And then doing the 180.
> 
> Stop calling it an emotional affair. Tell people that your wife has a boyfriend. They won't argue semantics with you if you say that.



:iagree::iagree::iagree::smthumbup::smthumbup:

YES!!


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## broken_spirit (Oct 30, 2013)

Thanks for the advice everyone. The 180 has had almost an instant effect. I will tell the OMW about the situation and let y'all know how it goes. Should I bring this up (telling OMW) to the marriage counselors attention?

additionally, she tried to use my work computer tonight, its password protected. I said "no" because in my mind she has no rights at this point. My wife responded that I must be hiding something because of it and it was concerning to her.

She's back to her old ways already about blaming me for her suspicions/projections. what a nightmare. 

I am so confused, I loved/love this woman and I cant just dismiss that. I just want to make the right decision. 

I can say, I am trying to be a man and forgive, if it doesn't work out I can look back without any regrets.

I am telling the OMW next week.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Broken please don't wait on exposing

Here is the mindset you need to have

Dirty Harry - Go Ahead, Make My Day - YouTube


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## Carlton (Sep 15, 2012)

broken_spirit said:


> additionally, she tried to use my work computer tonight, its password protected. I said "no" because in my mind she has no rights at this point. *My wife responded that I must be hiding something because of it and it was concerning to her.*
> *
> She's back to her old ways already about blaming me for her suspicions/projections. what a nightmare. *
> 
> ...


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You are forgiving her? For what ? You don't even know what she's done. Forgiving now is just an admission to your wife that she is free to bang anyone she wants. It sounds like you have broke down.

You do not make decisions now. You investigate. Talk to the omw, asap.

This is for your family, if you can muster the courage, the worst will be over soon. The way you are headed however, will make you and your kids suffer for years to come.

The other man is getting heads up from yourbackstabbing wife. He's lying to his wife. He's got two women, you have none, he's laughing at your lack of chaoiracter. Your wife craves his assertiveness.

Do what a man of courage would do.

You didn't download MMSLP did you? Right now, things are getting worse, only because you are being weak (nice). When nice guys come here, if they can't change, they always lose.

With your last post, get ready, the lumber is going to fly now.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, keeping this from the omw now means you are a co-conspirator in the affair against her. You are now part of the affair.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Your wife has to think you will be fine or better without her. People desire what the don't have.

Go out, get some new clothes, new haircut, and find a gym. Working out is the best thing you can do . Weightlifting will make you feel much better menrally and physically.

You also need to see you md for temporary help, he will know what you need, they see this all the time.

Forget Marriage counseling until you know she wants back in the marriage and can prove she is no longer in contact with him.

Trust nothing she says, only what you or your wife can prove. She is no longer your friend. She betrayed you,stabbed you in the back and she is a traitor to your kids.

If you let her off easy she WILL do this again. You have to change as much as her.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

broken_spirit said:


> My only holdback on this is that I morally dont feel good about disrupting another marriage with a child. It could change that kids life forever. I havent even told my own kids, mainly because they are too young.
> 
> My gut says she's full of sh*t about a non-PA. But, all of the communication I have recovered between them doesnt mention anything specific (i.e. your so soft, last night was awesome, you have a great ass etc ... ) And believe me, I have tons of their conversations. Denial? maybe. but no hard facts. She did seem really concerned about me contacting him and mentioning she had an incurable VD (not HIV/AIDS) Shes had this for years, I am negative still.
> 
> ...


nobody feels good about what exposing does to other bs or kids...NOBODY...but YOU did not make the decision to cheat, your wife did...SHE cheated with a faher and husband, she made the bed, NOT you

your buddy said he hopes you follow tam advice that he didnt follow...listen to him and others

EXPOSE...the only way to get HER out of the fog, speed up the trickle truth, and get the OM out of the picture is to expose...

you need to tell the ow's wife NOW...give her copies of your proof...make the OM sorry he EVER EVER spoke to your wife and make him dump her like a hot potatoe...if he remains in the picture then prepare for false R...KILL the affair...NUKE IT DEAD

expose to your and her family...she has to lose all support for her lies...this will FORCE her to be honest with others and thats the first step to being honest with herself...KILL THE FOG...NUKE IT

then...you can push for more info and decide if you want to R (reconcile) or D (divorce)

I also agree with starting the divorce proceedings now...you can always stop them later...AND doing the 180...pull away and focus on you and your kids...she needs to know YESTERDAY thay you are NOT putting up with this and only SHE can fix it...with ACTIONS...not words...she is a cheater...a liar...her words are excrement right now...worthless


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I think you need to contact the omw. Om will contact your wife b!tching. Thats when you really lay down the law and tell her you are going to see a lawyer and if their is further contact you are filing for divorce and custody of your kids.

Tuogh love works. Weak knees fail.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

WalterWhite said:


> Broken Spirit, forgive me but you come across as very whimpy, weak, and scared of her. No wonder she lost respect for you. You are so worried about waking her up when you attempted to leave at 4am, lying to her about hearing something outside. You are so worried about the other man's family. You need to man up and stop playing the hurt little boy. No wonder she wants out...you need to be more of a F'ing Diick! Man up....your posts are making me feel disgusted about you, and wonder if maybe your wife got sick of your mousy ways too.





walkonmars said:


> Doesn't come across that way to me. Not one bit. Annnnnd your post isn't very helpful. You're better than that. This man is hurting and here for help.


while broken seems a bit, well, broken...he does NOT come accross as wimpy to me at all...he seems to be pursing this with caution and thinking it through....its not like some threads where the bs is posting for MONTHS and still lives with her, hasnt exposed, pines for her, hasnt filed and is doing the 180 half assed...this thread is 2 days old LOL...I think broken is doing great considering...

do NOT wait until next week to expose...the LONGER you wait the more the om can dilute you by warning his wife...a week is more than enough time to make her think your a nutter, OR DANGEROUS...

its easy to say "if it were me"...I know...but if it were me at this point, I would take the day off work

go to omw's work place and HAND deliver a packet with copies of all your proof...tell her who you are and make sure you leave contact info with her

I would then go to my parents, siblings with identicle packets with the proof...tell them the abridged version so you arent telling a long frawn out story 50 times..."my wife had an affair and I am exposing it to everyone in the hopes it wakes her up"

I would then go to HER parents, siblings and do the same

I would them expose to our friends...a large group email to everyone, cc her the om and the omw...include proof

then I would go see a lawyer


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

^^ you want to slam her from every side...her and the om need to be reeling and overwhelmed with the fallout...


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Two very important things to cheaters are that they have control and that they have no real consequences. In order for you to salvage this at all, you absolutely must take control of how things proceed. 

Exposure takes control away from the cheater. It makes them reel and flail to keep the fire from burning out of control. Their affair is their little, fun secret, their conspiracy, so they do not like it at all when it becomes common knowledge. Let the OMW especially know ASAP. The longer you wait, the more time the OM has to spin his story. He can convince her quite easily that you are an insane, jealous H making crazy accusations. Give her proof of their inappropriate communications.

The consequences are, of course, that there will be D if the cheating doesn't stop immediately. She must do the hard work of proving to you that she wants the marriage and will work for it.

So, take control and give her consequences. Don't wait to expose to the OMW. Please!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Two very important things to cheaters are that they have control and that they have no real consequences. In order for you to salvage this at all, you absolutely must take control of how things proceed.
> 
> Exposure takes control away from the cheater. It makes them reel and flail to keep the fire from burning out of control. Their affair is their little, fun secret, their conspiracy, so they do not like it at all when it becomes common knowledge. Let the OMW especially know ASAP. The longer you wait, the more time the OM has to spin his story. He can convince her quite easily that you are an insane, jealous H making crazy accusations. Give her proof of their inappropriate communications.
> 
> ...


Please the sooner the better not next week.:iagree::iagree:


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

MissTheLove, you may have the perception that Broken-Spirits problem is fresh, because his post are few and recent. The reality is, his problem has been happening for a long time, based upon his words and story. I offer the other message to him. The other message brings balance to all the other messages given him here. Good cop bad cop type stuff. We offer up advice to him from two different angles but with the same intentions. His issues are not new to him; their only new to us. I think you and others forget this.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You are getting first class support and advice. In fact you are getting a bit more than usual. Why?

1) You come across as nice guy who deserves a break;
2) You are responding the right way but wavering a bit. This is perfectly normal. The flood of posts is trying to boost you the last yard. In football punching across the goal line sometimes requires extra effort especially once you hesitate and lose velocity.
3) You are responsible for your own fate. We hear that you know that and are not the kind of person who wants leech emotional energy from others. As you succeed, you will find that you are helping us. We will be getting something from you. I thank you in advance for your efforts.
4) You need to outplay your cheating wife. So that she respects you. You need to be so tough now that if and when she is truly remorseful, you will feel it in your gut.

Accept that your marriage may not survive. By accepting that reality your response to this crisis will be better.

Whatever, changes you want to make in yourself, e.g., quitting bad habits, now is the time. Let your wife see that the prospect of losing her is making you better, i.e., maybe she hasn't been good for you.

When was the last time you made love to your wife and you felt like you just melted into one. You didn't have to think about doing this or that; it just felt so right. Maybe you are going experience that again. If with her, great for you both. If with a new woman, that'll be great, too.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

*** PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE ***

Contact the OMW right away!!!!! Not only does she need to know for her health and sanity, it WILL bring this affair to a screeching halt. Continue the 180. It does work!!!!!

Try to have a good Halloween with your kiddos!


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

broken_spirit said:


> Thanks for the advice everyone. The 180 has had almost an instant effect. I will tell the OMW about the situation and let y'all know how it goes. Should I bring this up (telling OMW) to the marriage counselors attention?
> 
> additionally, she tried to use my work computer tonight, its password protected. I said "no" because in my mind she has no rights at this point. My wife responded that I must be hiding something because of it and it was concerning to her.
> 
> ...


You can't forgive what you don't know. Also, forgiving has nothing to do with being a man or woman, it is gift that you can give or keep with no remorse. As to the slow derail building, he comes across as a guy SCARED to lose the love of his life not a wimp.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What exactly are you trying to forgive? Are you going to do some sleuthing? Or demand a polygraph? Or have you just decided that it IS a PA and aren't going to go after the truth?

Why are you waiting to expose?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> You can't forgive what you don't know. Also, forgiving has nothing to do with being a man or woman, it is gift that you can give or keep with no remorse. As to the slow derail building, *he comes across as a guy SCARED to lose the love of his life not a wimp.*


I agree.

In many ways he has already lost the love of his life.

What he has now is like those zombies you see everywhere now in the movies and TV. He's hanging on to his imagination of what he thought she was before his discovery of the infidelity. The sooner he faces his new reality, the sooner he's not afraid of life without his wife, the easier it is for him.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Broken.

When you here everyone including me tell you to expose this affair now to the OM's wife, your wife's family and friends, the reason is this. 

Every day you wait gives them more room to maneuver and the idea is to smother them to a point that they have no where to turn including to each other because when the $h!t hits the fan, they will turn on each other. Your wife has to be put in a position that she is so surrounded that she will have absolutely no where to turn. She has to feel isolated with no moral support and without anyone to having her back, it will defeat her and the OM and she will finally see what her actions have done. Right now she's more concerned about herself than you or anyone else. 

After she realizes that, then the burden is totally on her shoulders. By telling the OM's wife, she can do the same thing to him and it's up to her how she wants to handle the situation with her husband. You have to deal with your wife. Not to mention that the longer you wait, it becomes human nature to come up with another excuse to wait. Yeah, I know it's not a good position for you to be in so that's why you need to put the blame where it belongs and that's with your wife and let her shoulder the problem that she caused.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

If you wish to go all 007 on her here you go. Having help bust 22 spouses here now Ive gotten very good at this hideous task.

Rule 1 for this.

SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding.

Var advice included. Step by step. DO this today. NOT TOMORROW. Weekend coming up. prime time for affairs. I cant go to best buy for you. 

standard paste:

VARs and evidence

Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” Any of this sound familiar? 

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You tell her, you always got your info from a PI or someone saw them. Hard confronts with overwhelming evidence to crush all resistance are the name of the game.

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks I have seen the ICDPX333 at Walmart. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT 
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or less often in the aisle with the fasteners like screws. The velcro pack is mostly blue with a yellow top. Clear pack shows the vecro color which is black or white. 

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. 

ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.
I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

Amazon has a pen VAR that can be placed in a purse or other small place to get remote conversations. Yes the pen works.

Usual warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for four men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. 

Lets be very clear about what the VAR is for and is not for. It will not be court admissible evidence. It is not for the confrontation. IT IS TO GET YOU AHEAD OF THE AFFAIR so you can gain other real evidence by knowing the who and when. NEVER MENTION YOUR VAR EVIDENCE. As far as the cheater is concerned, they were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

If your wife comes home from an alone time does she immediately change liners, change panties possibly even immediately laundering them?, shower? This can be an after the fact clean up. Amazon sells a semen detection kit called checkmate.

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful. There is even a locator webpage you can track with.

Look for a burner phone. This is a second phone from a prepay service just used for cheating communications. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone" The dont use their main phone for cheating purposes.

There is an app out there called teensafe. Its for both Iphone and Android. It monitors texts, GPS and facebook. Needs no jailbreak. Not perfect and delayed but no jailbreak required.

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex
Rclawson came up with how to get the PW on an ipad
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...eling-my-wife-cheating-me-16.html#post4692714

A poster named Stigmatizer came up with this nice app that appears to give the caller name for iphones:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...y-creepy-happening-my-home-7.html#post4769890

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/4854930-post220.html
Hi rosie!

If he uses chrome or firefox, there is probably a list of saved passwords you can look at. Even if his email isn't saved there, people usually only use a couple of different passwords, so one from the list might work. 

For firefox it's Tools -> Options -> Security -> Saved Passwords

For Chrome it's the little box with three bars in the top right -> Settings - Show advanced settings -> Managed saved passwords

I don't know if other browsers save the passwords where you can view them but you should be able to google and find out!


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## Link182 (May 25, 2012)

6301 said:


> Broken.
> 
> When you here everyone including me tell you to expose this affair now to the OM's wife, your wife's family and friends, the reason is this.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

All truth right here bubba. I told you more of my story than I even posted on here. The reason is I found this place months after I was where you are. I tried and failed to do what I was told because I held on to the fairy tale. But when I finally found the truth on my own and exposed it to the OM and my wife, turns out they both had other OM/OW on the side. The whole lie came apart in a day, you should have seen the shift in attitude. One minute spiteful and arrogant, next minute like a caged wild animal, the next minute crying and defeated.

The affair can survive in the shadows, and in my case did for months because I let it. Take charge, get your mind set to be single again, then rip this thing apart. If you manage to forge a new marriage from the ashes of the old great. If she walks, she was gonna walk anyway. 

Last thing, you are not alone man. I got your back, and so do these folks here. You may read the words and I know they sting like hell sometimes. But the people here have been where you are. So won, some lost, some were bold, some were sheep. But they know how you are feeling, the devastation, the feeling of isolation, the fear of loss, all of it. And yet they still come here and help folks like us reaching out for help.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Link182 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> All truth right here bubba. I told you more of my story than I even posted on here. The reason is I found this place months after I was where you are. I tried and failed to do what I was told because I held on to the fairy tale. But when I finally found the truth on my own and exposed it to the OM and my wife, turns out they both had other OM/OW on the side. The whole lie came apart in a day, you should have seen the shift in attitude. One minute spiteful and arrogant, next minute like a caged wild animal, the next minute crying and defeated.
> 
> ...


All of this post is pure gold in terms of advice. Especially the bold part.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

And contact OMW asap. She may shoot a hole in the lightly armored cheater love boat. When you wife swims away it may be to you. To him. Who knows what a person in love will do. Why let them hook up physically and emotionally without consequences.

Every kiss, every orgasm, every tender moment they have is erasing you. Put a stop to it.

Don't be needy, don't beg.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> And contact OMW asap. She may shoot a hole in the lightly armored cheater love boat. When you wife swims away it may be to you. To him. Who knows what a person in love will do. Why let them hook up physically and emotionally without consequences.
> 
> Every kiss, every orgasm, every tender moment they have is erasing you. Put a stop to it.
> 
> Don't be needy, don't beg.


Go to where his wife works and hand her the evidence you can't control what she does after that but she definitely has a right to know to make an informed decision. Good luck.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Here is an Army Master Sergeant giving you a combat kick in the arse. Don't wait to expose this.

Don't go whimpy on us. 

I agree on the forgiving thing. You don't know.

I am going to give you another kick with my combat boot.


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## broken_spirit (Oct 30, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> Here is an Army Master Sergeant giving you a combat kick in the arse. Don't wait to expose this.
> 
> Don't go whimpy on us.
> 
> ...


Hey Sarge,

I think they call those kiwi injections. Dont be too quick to jump on the "weak/no balls" bandwagon like other have. I am, and have been running things on lockdown. I am taking all measures suggested here. I have every device and password, as well as keylogger software on the network. I show no mercy, I feel no responsibility for what she did. I have said really cruel thing to her and dont feel bad about it. 

I am going to tell the OMW when I get back in town, as I want to do it in person. So I am not sure how this thread took on a life of it's own about how I am doing nothing but sitting around crying. 

Not sure what kind of support site this is when the discussion turns around into a full on attack of the character of the man (me) who's life just got totally ruined. 

Fact: No one can just shut off love in an instant. If you say you can you're no better than a serial killer. 

Dont mistake kindness for weakness. I have 2 children to worry about, they are collateral damage and I need to think in their best interest. Not just have a knee-jerk reaction and start acting like a barbarian.

I have a dark-side, and it is fully aware of the situation.

And to those who suggest this is *my fault* because I am not "man enough," you should seriously think about that. This is not my fault and I will NEVER take responsibility for what that wh*re did. 

*I do really appreciate those who have offered legitimate support, books, links and logical advice.*


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

broken_spirit said:


> And to those who suggest this is *my fault* because I am not "man enough," you should seriously think about that.


Who the hell did that?!?! issed: :redcard: :bsflag: :tool: :gun:


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

broken_spirit said:


> Hey Sarge,
> 
> I think they call those kiwi injections. Dont be too quick to jump on the "weak/no balls" bandwagon like other have. I am, and have been running things on lockdown. I am taking all measures suggested here. I have every device and password, as well as keylogger software on the network. I show no mercy, I feel no responsibility for what she did. I have said really cruel thing to her and dont feel bad about it.
> 
> ...


Broken hang around as they say what doesn't apply let it fly.

Sh!t happens. Keep venting.


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## broken_spirit (Oct 30, 2013)

"Broken Spirit, forgive me but you come across as very whimpy, weak, and scared of her. No wonder she lost respect for you."


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Broken

You're going to be fine. Believe it.

You will be much more effective if you don't blow your cool with her. In fact, she shouldn't see you appear to be out of control or appear to be. 

Sounds like you've done most of the proactive things to be vigilant with your wife. I don't think your marriage is "over" unless you want it to be or she refuses to honor her vows. 

You're right, you can't turn off your feelings about someone. But you don't have to submit to their behavior either.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

broken_spirit said:


> "Broken Spirit, forgive me but you come across as very whimpy, weak, and scared of her. No wonder she lost respect for you."


You don't come across that way at all to me or to most others here. Not at all.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

broken_spirit said:


> Thorburn said:
> 
> 
> > Here is an Army Master Sergeant giving you a combat kick in the arse. Don't wait to expose this.
> ...


Broken spirit, you got a few kicks in the butt because you did in fact come across weak and wimpy. So be a man and own it!

Judging from your last post I am exceedingly happy to see that you finally sprouted some balls and are finally taking names, kicking ass. Good for you, keep it up! I'm glad you are on the offensive and your are being that man, that stand up guy...whoaa!!!!

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

WalterWhite said:


> Broken spirit, you got a few kicks in the butt because you did in fact come across weak and wimpy. So be a man and own it!
> 
> Judging from your last post I am exceedingly happy to see that you finally sprouted some balls and are finally taking names, kicking ass. Good for you, keep it up! I'm glad you are on the offensive and your are being that man, that stand up guy...whoaa!!!!
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


Give it a rest, dude.

Brokenspirit (I was going to abbreviate your username to BS but didn't  ) like anything advice-related, please take what strikes a chord with you from this thread, and ignore the rest. I don't know how much you've looked around on here, but there seems to be quite a few people who think that MMSL and NMMNG are the bibles of how every man should act. I don't know if those from this thread are such people, but if something doesn't sit well with you, don't sweat it.

I had missed that you're out of town, hence my question about why wait.

I am sorry if my suggestion to kick her out struck you the wrong way. Hang in there.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Give it a rest, dude.
> 
> Brokenspirit (I was going to abbreviate your username to BS but didn't  ) like anything advice-related, please take what strikes a chord with you from this thread, and ignore the rest. I don't know how much you've looked around on here, but there seems to be quite a few people who think that MMSL and NMMNG are the bibles of how every man should act. I don't know if those from this thread are such people, but if something doesn't sit well with you, don't sweat it.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
I think I may have a girl crush on you!......LOL


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> :iagree:
> I think I may have a girl crush on you!......LOL


I've always had one on you


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> :iagree:
> I think I may have a girl crush on you!......LOL





Hope1964 said:


> I've always had one on you


Oh Lord, it's Devastated Dad 2.0.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

It is easy for us to arm-chair quarterback the perfect response to a cheating spouse. It is very difficult when you are the one in the middle.

Often we see a BH that has gone too soft for an extended period of time. It may have been said because it is common with many threads.

The silver linning to being challenged is that you have some anger. Anger is often what carries us through the toughest times. Anger will motivate you to act on your plan.

Besides the d-days, I honestly struggled to have the courage to move through my bad weeks. It is emotionally draining to be in a battle with the one you loved more than life itself.

Time eventually helps us to gather ourselves, and get through the hell. 

The decision to D is often pushed here. I push it. The reason is not because I don't like marriage, it is the best way to get them over their affair. It is the best way to distance yourself from the source of pain.

I waited 8 months to fully expose and end my false R/limbo.

Others never get to the summit.

We often challenge "soft" men or women to get them to a point where they can end the suffering.

You, my friend, are only at the threshold of the doorway.

I am impressed that you are moving into stealth mode, posting, and using your brains to end this betrayal. You will do better than most.

Hang tough.


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## Link182 (May 25, 2012)

Hey Man,

I know from our talks that you are swamped with work, kids, and dealing with this crap. But what might short cut the process for many that offer tough love advice and are not aware of your status to date.....

Take some time and write down your whole story. Sometimes when people are eager to help and they only have fractions of the story to work with, they head off on tangents. But their motivation still is to try to help you.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Link182 said:


> Hey Man,
> 
> I know from our talks that you are swamped with work, kids, and dealing with this crap. But what might short cut the process for many that offer tough love advice and are not aware of your status to date.....
> 
> Take some time and write down your whole story. Sometimes when people are eager to help and they only have fractions of the story to work with, they head off on tangents. But their motivation still is to try to help you.


:iagree::iagree: We assumed and did not know you were out of town so that's a good excuse. You are NOT a wimp and thisis NOT your fault.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I just want you to keep moving forward, hence the butt kicks. And I don't see you as a whimp, that is why I said, "Don't go whimpy on us". Just trying to keep you motivated into doing what your plans are in the exposure territory. So I am not on the "you are whimpy bandwagon". I think you have a good handle on things. Just stay focused on those things you can control. Many of us know what state of mind you are in when you said you are a wreck. Being there brother. Time to get the can of whoop arse out and apply it where needed, but be wise in applying it.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Lol, this could have all been avoided with more info on the get go. The posts made it look like you were going in circles.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> I've always had one on you


Awwww shucks.......


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

WalterWhite said:


> For giving him the advise of a very concerned best friend, father, brother, mother, best buddy?
> 
> No fookin way, Bloke!
> 
> ...


Have you read the Forum Rules?



> 1. Treat others on the forum with* dignity* and *respect*.
> Personal attacks, hate speech, racist or sexist statements or attacks, sexual harassment, explicit sexual comments, promoting violence, will not be tolerated.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

WalterWhite said:


> Broken spirit, you got a few kicks in the butt because you did in fact come across weak and wimpy. So be a man and own it!


Broken_spirit, always check post history before listening to words like this post. You'll often find, that some people like to needle more than help.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Pidge,

You are right of course. If someone got a message like this, i.e., with name calling, and reported it to a moderator, it would earn a ban. I think some very good posters have gotten bans because the swung 2x4's before they established a respectful discourse.

Some times men need other men to be like big brothers or uncles and deal out a little tough love. If guys are too sensitive and polite, then it feels like there is not enough testosterone. The last thing a guy whose wife is cheating wants to feel is that he just wasn't a masculine enough.

I think you know all this, but you are right to remind fellow TAMers that successful communication requires tact and humor.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Some times men need other men to be like big brothers or uncles and deal out a little tough love.


True, but when the guy details EXACTLY what he has done and you still continue to name call, 2 more posts now, then it has gone past the tough love point and has become needling or incendiary.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

VAR up dude. I included exact step by step instructions. They are the one thing that gets around a lot of the safeguards cheaters do to take things underground.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Broken Spirit,

Have you read the post in weightlifter's signature? The first link.

Read it. It's quite refreshing.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Poster BFF the is a good inspiration. Suspicion to discovery to crash to recovery to new woman and happiness.

Each mans road is his own.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Link182 said:


> The affair can survive in the shadows, and in my case did for months because I let it. Take charge, get your mind set to be single again, then rip this thing apart. If you manage to forge a new marriage from the ashes of the old great. If she walks, she was gonna walk anyway.


You have a good friend in Link182 who has been there. I have too - also had children to think about…but fortunately, we have been able to create a closer, more loving marriage than I imagined possible (it's been 6 years) Glad to hear you are setting the bar high and not compromising your values - this will pay off in the long run whether she steps up or not.


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## broken_spirit (Oct 30, 2013)

Picking up a VAR today. Does anyone know if the regular car noise (white noise or sound of the road) sets them off to record?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Yes, they can but a good one will still pick up conversations.


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

Remember who the true enemy is....not the sometimes crude, stark, blunt advice, but the dude trying to bang your wife.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

broken_spirit said:


> She doesnt seem to show a lot of remorse, i mean I would think she would be kissing a$$. if I got busted and a second chance id be on my knees 24/7 for at least 6 months. She kissed a$$ for about a week and now just wants things to be "the way they were. "


She wants to minimize it and hope you'll rug sweep it. That and she still has feelings for the OM which is keeping her from having feelings for you.

She'll kiss your asss if she thinks you'll leave, I've seen people divorce for less than this.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

broken_spirit said:


> Picking up a VAR today. Does anyone know if the regular car noise (white noise or sound of the road) sets them off to record?


Yes and **IF** you want I can greatly reduce it for you. Steady engine noise is WAY easier than acceleration. Ive pulled whispers at forty feat using Sony VARs and Audacity.

This is an offer not a command as I have done this before for others. If you dont want that. NO biggie.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

WalterWhite said:


> Hey Broken, is your wife's name Mia? Are you Shaggy?
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


How the hell is this supposed to help? Why are you so bent on making BS's feel like crap here?


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> WalterWhite said:
> 
> 
> > Hey Broken, is your wife's name Mia? Are you Shaggy?
> ...


Hey, I was just trying to bring a little levity to this sad post. What do you want me to do? Go home and cut myself?!? And besides, I'm trying to understand why Shaggy left, and wonder if he came back under a different name. Sorry my attempt to bring clarity is lost to you.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

WalterWhite said:


> Hey, I was just trying to bring a little levity to this sad post. What do you want me to do? Go home and cut myself?!? And besides, I'm trying to understand why Shaggy left, and wonder if he came back under a different name. Sorry my attempt to bring clarity is lost to you.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


I seriously doubt is was lost on just Hope1964. Just seemed to me like another one of your typical backhanded remarks.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Oye

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

WalterWhite said:


> Hey, I was just trying to bring a little levity to this sad post. What do you want me to do? Go home and cut myself?!? And besides, I'm trying to understand why Shaggy left, and wonder if he came back under a different name. Sorry my attempt to bring clarity is lost to you.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


Didn't you post in another thread that you were done with TAM??


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> WalterWhite said:
> 
> 
> > Hey, I was just trying to bring a little levity to this sad post. What do you want me to do? Go home and cut myself?!? And besides, I'm trying to understand why Shaggy left, and wonder if he came back under a different name. Sorry my attempt to bring clarity is lost to you.
> ...


Hope, I was done. Then I came back. I'm drawn to the macabre, the pitiful, the silliness, the irony.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## still numb (Oct 31, 2012)

broken_spirit said:


> *An emotional affair (EA) can be just as bad as a physical affair (PA).*
> 
> 
> She seems really fixated on the fact that, because it wasnt a PA (according to her) that its not an "affair" or it's not as bad. In fact, some of my friends hear EA, and are not bothered by this.
> ...


Amen on both bolded statements, Brother. My wife is just beginning to understand the truth of the first statement. The emotional attachment is just as bad (for me) as the thought of physical contact.

My wife wrote at least an email a day to her OM for 27 months! Reading through that was NOT fun.

Don't sweat the blunt attitude of some on here. They REALLY want to help. I felt attacked at first too.

I had to jump through many hoops to get in touch with the OMW. It was not an easy conversation knowing that you are going to rock someone's world like that. But it was the right thing to do. It really helped. The OM threw my wife under the bus just like everyone said he would. Definitely a great leap forward in lifting "the fog".

Don't make the mistake of assuming that everyone telling you to take a hardline stance is trying to get you to end the marriage forever. Quite the opposite. If you follow the advice here you put yourself in the best postion for reconciliation.

Your wife's (typical) behavior is just a slow death to your marriage. The sooner you put an end to that [email protected] the sooner you get on with the rest of your life. And that life can be a happy one with your wife if you're lucky. 

If you want to read a hopeful story, here's mine: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/133594-my-first-anniversary.html
It's not perfect, but we're still together.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

WalterWhite said:


> Hope, I was done. Then I came back. I'm drawn to the macabre, the pitiful, the silliness, the irony.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


Really?

This poor soul needs you and your pompousness?

Thank you swedish! We know there are not enough of you ti go around!


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

broken spirit, what's the latest? Talk to us.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

The VAR I had, started recording the moment my wife came hit the button to unlock the door. The recording I had in February had lots of car noise from the window (when she had it opened). I did not place it under the seat. I don't know what happened but I have put the VAR in her car over the past several months to check on her (she is not doing anything wrong now). I put the recorder in the same location and I had no wind noise. Not sure if the settings changed or what but I get very clear recordings now. Now it proves that she is on the straight and narrow.


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