# Husband Is Done Trying



## Desperatelytrying (Dec 20, 2012)

I hope someone can help. My husband and I have been together for 8 years and we have a 2 year old. I was never very loving towards him and when I get angry I explode and just let loose saying things I don't necessarily mean. I have been a terrible partner. About a month ago my husband had finally had enough after what he thought was multiple attempts to get through to me went ignored. My husband is a giver and is always looking for ways to make everyone happy. He is now not even a shadow of his former self. I started going to cousinling to try and work on my anger and emotional issues. We go to couciling together as well but he says that his goal is to work to coexist for our daughter and leave amicably. I don't know who this man is. The man I married and took for granted would never do this. His parents have an incredibly unhealthy relationship. They are together but completely separate. My family has always had an if you forget about it approach it disappears. That is why his leaving is such a shock to me. I knew I was being hurtful and cruel but in my world your family and you are always there. He also says that I am lazy. But I don't get a chance to do anything because he does it all. Communication was and is nonexistent. I think he is moving out this weekend. I will do anything to save my marriage. I want to change. I don't like myself. I was told about a weekend retreat called Retrouvaille. Has anyone heard of it. How do I interact with him right now when I am so hurt and dealing with anger issues? What do I do with our child? Please anyone. I'm desperate.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I've heard good things about Retrouvaille. Another good on is given by Marriage Builders. You can find it on their website.

Your point of view is surprising. After admitting that you mistreated him for a long time you wonder how he can leave. You say he's not the man you married, a shell of himself. Well you did this to him. Do you think that's love? Is it love to beat someone down to that point?
Love in marriage is not unconditional.

There is series of books that I think would help you a lot. They are all quick reads:
"Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley - yes I know that there is not an affair involved in your situation. But the book talks about how love is killed and how to rebuild it even from the most dire of states like the one you are in. Even if he moves out you can do the things they say to do. Then the follow on books are:
“His Needs, Her Needs” & “Love Busters”, again they are by Dr. Harley.

What do you mean “What do I do with our child?”

I assume that you keep your child, love her and raise her.


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## StephenG (Nov 22, 2012)

I am going through a divorce now and it sounds like you have done what I did to my wife. I would take her for granted, not spend much time with her, get angry over the smallest of things, and I just wasn't treating her how she was in my heart (my lover, best friend, life partner, wife, and someone who loves me).

Everyday she showed me nothing but love and compassion and what do I do in return? I treat her how I did. After so long of putting up with her she just emotionally checked out of our marriage. I can tell you from what I am going through now, there is no checking back in. The damage is done and all the words in the world cannot fix it, believe me I have tried EVERYTHING and nothing has changed.

You're in for a long bumpy ride, but my advice to you would be to begin thinking the worst as if he is not going to allow you another chance.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

OP

The best you can do at this point is stick with your counseling to change yourself for the future.

Anything good in your life from this point on willl have to be associated with the changes you make from this point on. Good luck


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## LonelyMike (Dec 20, 2012)

Desperatelytrying said:


> I hope someone can help. My husband and I have been together for 8 years and we have a 2 year old. I was never very loving towards him and when I get angry I explode and just let loose saying things I don't necessarily mean. I have been a terrible partner. About a month ago my husband had finally had enough after what he thought was multiple attempts to get through to me went ignored. My husband is a giver and is always looking for ways to make everyone happy. He is now not even a shadow of his former self. I started going to cousinling to try and work on my anger and emotional issues. We go to couciling together as well but he says that his goal is to work to coexist for our daughter and leave amicably. I don't know who this man is. The man I married and took for granted would never do this. His parents have an incredibly unhealthy relationship. They are together but completely separate. My family has always had an if you forget about it approach it disappears. That is why his leaving is such a shock to me. I knew I was being hurtful and cruel but in my world your family and you are always there. He also says that I am lazy. But I don't get a chance to do anything because he does it all. Communication was and is nonexistent. I think he is moving out this weekend. I will do anything to save my marriage. I want to change. I don't like myself. I was told about a weekend retreat called Retrouvaille. Has anyone heard of it. How do I interact with him right now when I am so hurt and dealing with anger issues? What do I do with our child? Please anyone. I'm desperate.


Op, though I have my own story, i'm at the somewhat in the shoes of your husband. I really don't know what to say other than show him how much you love him and be very sincere. In reality most of us men just want to be loved and though we don't announce it, it does mean alot. Only difference in my situation is that my wife is more apethatic than angry.. but being taken for granted I would assume feels the same for everyone and after a while it just seems to numba person..


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## stilllookingup (Oct 29, 2012)

If I were you, I would just start walking, jogging or going to a coffee shop alone with books and think really hard what he means by all that. Why does he think you are lazy, why have you been a terrible partner all these years? I'm sure your husband also has his part for contributing to where you guys are right now. 

I wouldn't give up until it's really over.

I know you can't believe why he's doing this to you but try to understand he needs space.
If I can give you any advice, don't beg, don't cry too much in front of him (I know it's hard but try) do not try to convince him to change his mind, do not bring up good times from the past. All these things would just make him feel trapped. If he doesn't want to go to MC together, don't push him. Give him space and let him do whatever he thinks he needs to do. Validate his feelings. Read books, go out and do your own things. Help others.


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