# Marriage problems after baby



## MarriedGuy326 (Mar 24, 2012)

Hello,

This is my first post on this forum. I've been searching the internet for a few weeks now and decided to actually post something opposed to just reading... 

Basically my wife and I seem to be a having a very common problem and I am in the need of advice. 

My wife and I have been married for 3+ years and have been together for almost 6. I can't tell you what a great relationship we had, it was love at first site and we have been in separable since. We purchased a home where we live with our 5 month old daughter.

Since our daughter has been born, we are going through the common 'disconnect' that couples apparently go through after the birth of a child. We basically have become enemies and our daughter and jobs are really our only focus. Forget having sex, my wife has gained so much weight that I honestly aren't even attracted to her. I'd much rather watch porn on the internet (which is sad). She really doesn't look at me twice so I guess we both feel the same way in that regard.

We started marriage counseling about 6-8 weeks ago and honestly it was really helping. But last night we got into another blowout which took us back to where we were before we started counseling.

I guess aside from ranting on paper, I wanted to know if you think it's worth sticking out or if I should just leave. My wife wants me to leave our home, the only reason why I don't want to is because I want to see our daughter everyday. I don't want to be away from my daughter like that, I love her too much. My wife? Well, honestly I would like to work things out. As distant as we have become, I still love her. I guess I wonder what happens to all these couples that go through the baby blues? Is there hope? Or should I just cut my loses?

Thanks in advance
A sad guy....


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The porn is pushing her away.

Her weight is embarrassing for her so she pushes you away.

Babies are demanding. Are you helping?

If she suspects that you are masturbating to porn (if she doesn't know right out) then you have killed her ego and it basically turned her away from you.

She can lose the weight, does she want to? I bet she'd feel better about it if you stopped turning away from her and turning to porn.

How old is your baby? Maybe wife has PPD....very common and treatable.

Your situation is common. People work through it together. She needs to know you still love and desire her. I see her weight is an issue for you, but she just had a baby O-O but now you're turning to porn....that doesn't feel good. Ouch to her.


----------



## MarriedGuy326 (Mar 24, 2012)

Thanks for the reply.

Yes I am very active in our child's life. I'm a software developer so once the baby was born I decided to quite my job and work as an independent consultant so that I can work from home.

I take the baby to day care and pick her up, this allows for a shorter day for her as well as it let's my wife sleep in a bit (she has to be at work pretty early). I do a lot of things around the house since I am home and have a flexible schedule. I'd like to think I am very helpful in that regard.

I'd imagine my wife knows I am watching porn, being we have sex maybe once every week or two. 

Our daughter is 5 months old, I feel terrible that she's surrounded by all this anger.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

5 months is young. 5 months after birth and your wife is overwhelmed. Did she bond with the baby? has she been checked for PPD?
I had a hard time bonding with my first. PPD wasn't really discussed then, but I know I had it...probably for a good 2 years.

It's serious and should be looked into.

Has your wife said where the anger comes from? The fighting? If she doesn't know, I'd bet it was hormones all out of wack. She should see a doctor.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

but honestly, stop the porn. that's my view as a woman. She just had a baby, she KNOWS she's fat, and there you are, watching women she will not look like.

It's killing her self esteem and she is resenting you for it. It's not helping your marriage. Nip that now.


----------



## MarriedGuy326 (Mar 24, 2012)

that_girl said:


> 5 months is young. 5 months after birth and your wife is overwhelmed. Did she bond with the baby? has she been checked for PPD?
> I had a hard time bonding with my first. PPD wasn't really discussed then, but I know I had it...probably for a good 2 years.
> 
> It's serious and should be looked into.
> ...


I can honestly tell you that my wife and daughter are the best of friends. She has bonded in a way with the baby that almost surprises me. 

My wife won't admit to this, but her parents are going through a divorce after be married for almost 30 years. It turns out that her father (who she adores) has a love child (5 years old) that nobody knew about.

I'm not doctor but I can tell you that a lot of her anger is coming from this situation. My wife and her mother haven't spoken since this came out (almost a year I'd say), and ever since her problems with her family our marriage has taken a toll for the worse.

You have an interesting stance on the porn (which I appreciate). I view it as no big deal, and a way for her not to have to have sex with me 4 times a week. I will chill with the porn, in fact I will make a promise to myself as I type this that I won't watch porn in the attempt to not kill her self esteem.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

That's good  because honestly, to many women, when her man is watching porn, it's like he's doing it with that woman on the screen. It can be seen as cheating by many people. Have you talked about that with her? DO you have those boundaries?

And if the anger comes from her parents then ask her to talk about it. Let her get mad and angry. But stay calm.


----------



## Mom_In-Love (Mar 18, 2012)

By the looks of it, you are very active as a father, hence now working from home. That is good, as well as her bonding with baby.

I personally think that people should take care of themselves, not only for themselves but also for the one they love. Having said that, I believe she should not let herself go like that. There might be a good reason, but, she should find that reason and work through it so that she does not destroy her body. 

On the other hand, I don't think is right to be a part of porn if your wife has a problem with it. Does she? If she does, you should stop. It may hurt your situation more than help it. Porn is not bad, but if its hurting her self-esteem then it becomes a problem for your relationship.

You say that your wife wont admit to being affected and angry about her parents situation - that's a problem. You should try and talk to her, offering support and love and get her to talk to you about this. She needs to heal and gaining your full active support on this is a great start. Why does she not admit her feelings about this?


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

What is her complaint about you, and what is your complaint about her. IS it worth working on? Yes, it is... You owe it to the life you created to create a family of origin that can enable her to grow and thrive. The bottom line is to fix your marriage, you have to start meeting your wife's emotional needs.... Do you know what your wife's emotional needs are? She too needs to meet you halfway, but you as the man must start this process first.


----------



## MarriedGuy326 (Mar 24, 2012)

Unfortunately my wife has handed me an ultimatum this morning.

Either she leaves with the baby (probably stay at her cousin's house) or I leave.

I have a suitcase packed and about to go (I don't know where).

Can't believe it's gotten to this.


----------



## Mom_In-Love (Mar 18, 2012)

I still do not understand what your wife's problem is with you...

Good luck!


----------



## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

Forget the suitcase, be strong.
Find someone to look after your baby and ask your wife to go for lunch, a walk, somewhere outside the house.
Talk to each other, ask for the reasons why. If she refuses to talk, hand her a piece of paper and ask her to write the main reasons why she wants you out. Refuse to leave untill she tells you one way or another what is the problem.
Once you know the reasons, see if you can rectify them.

If you love her, fight for your family.


----------



## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

why the hell should you leave? tell her you will miss her, but the baby stays.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Tiberius said:


> Forget the suitcase, be strong.
> Find someone to look after your baby and ask your wife to go for lunch, a walk, somewhere outside the house.
> Talk to each other, ask for the reasons why. If she refuses to talk, hand her a piece of paper and ask her to write the main reasons why she wants you out. Refuse to leave untill she tells you one way or another what is the problem.
> Once you know the reasons, see if you can rectify them.
> ...


This. DO NOT LEAVE.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Do NOT LEAVE!!!

If she wants to go then let her and don't chase.


----------



## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

Do NOT LEAVE! In doing so you will giving her a huge advantage when it comes to divorcing you, and basically will have tricked into signing everything away!

Do NOT LEAVE the MARITAL RESIDENCE. I will say 1000x times. You'll get screwed so bad.

Also, you may want to consult with a divorce attorney TODAY! NOT TO file divorce on her at this time, but to get his opinion on what you position is should she move forward, and how to preserve your rights to contact and visitation with your child


----------



## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

Do not leave!! No matter what.
My situation had some elements of your situation. (Before my split)
I wish you the best of luck.


----------



## MarriedGuy326 (Mar 24, 2012)

Thanks for all the support and advice.

I left for the afternoon with a packed suitcase. The idea behind it was to give my wife some breathing room. I know deep down she loves me and is just going through some tough times. 

I gave her a few hours to herself, and made plans with my cousin to potentially baby sit if I could convince my wife to go grab a drink with me and hash things out.

My wife finally agreed to meet with me to have a drink and we had a long conversation about what's really bothering her. The situation with her parents is the root cause.

We both apologized and have agreed to move on and work things out.

I really can't thank you all enough, I will fight for my family and I will never stop. I love them too much, and I know they love me.

Cheers.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You're golden 

Make COMMUNICATION your new motto.

Happy loving!


----------



## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

I am really pleased that you are on the right track about saving your marriage.
It takes guts to stay and work things out than to just leave and you have shown that you are strong.
Give your wife all the support she needs with her family, love her and always talk to each other when things are not right.

There is always a solution, once you know what the problem is.
I wish you all the best.


----------



## Cathy ONeill (Apr 5, 2012)

Hi MarriedGuy 36,

It's been a few weeks since you posted your question, I hope you are still checking replies.

The first thing that you need to realize is that relationship difficulties after a baby are completely 100% normal. It seems that every few months a new study is released detailing how marriage takes a hit after the baby arrives. Making the transition from carefree couple to a family of three is very, very hard. You can read about some of the studies here,

(Yet another) Report finds that married couples with children are less happy than childless married couples | Babyproofing Your Marriage

So, you and your wife are not alone. You are normal. You write that you had a great relationship before you became parents. The good news is that the "great relationship" is still there. Marriage is a long, long road and right now you are just living through one difficult chapter. There are better times ahead for you and your wife. Wonderful times. Spend time together, just talk and hang out with no expectation of sex. You both need to talk about how you feel right now. But be sure to begin every conversation with an "I love you" and hold hands, or find some way of being physically affectionate as you talk about "the difficult stuff."

As for the porn. I understand that many men don't see this as a big deal ... that you are just taking matters into your own hands so that you don't have to bother an exhausted wife, deal with rejection etc. But the thing is that it becomes a crutch and makes it less likely that the real issues are dealt with ... the lack of real intimacy and connection with the person you love. Also, it seems like it upsets your wife. Think about what that means. Ultimately she wants to be woman who takes care of you. Sure, she's not feeling sexy right now. Few women with a young baby do, or can. So hold off on the porn, be affectionate with and listen to your wife, have a real conversation and see what happens.

All the best to you,

Cathy

Babyproofing Your Marriage


----------

