# The woman I don't love is pregnant



## SoyBoy

Our relationship wasn't much to speak of. Once a week, maybe, we'd go out, have drinks, and screw. Kept that up for a few months. I liked her well enough that I wanted to give her something to look forward to in a week, and hell, I was getting laid. I was always good to her, but maintained emotional distance, because I knew I didn't want to be involved in a serious relationship with her. 

Now she's pregnant. Twins, in fact. She didn't mention that she wasn't on birth control, and I didn't ask, stupid on both ends. I plan to be there, and be a father for these kids, but I'm having some serious reservations now about the mother. Things look different in hindsight, and I should have seen the warning signs before. Early in our relationship, like when we had only spent a sum total of around ten hours together, I told her I was involved with someone else (true, not cheating, she lives far away and we have an understanding about this sort of thing.) She cried a lot, about how this always happens to her, about how she let herself become vulnerable. I stayed with her that night because she didn't want to be alone. Then she wanted to stay friends, with benefits. If I didn't want to go out with her on the weekends, I would anyway because I knew that if I didn't, she'd just sit home at her sister's place.

I don't love this woman, or even really like her much anymore. I feel like she's been playing on my guilt to try and force me into a relationship that she knows I don't really want. After she told me about the pregnancy, I told her straight away that we're done. The twins are my flesh and blood, and I will not run out on them, but I'm not about to step into a bad relationship that's doomed to disintigrate. However, for the sake of the kids, I'm looking for an apartment with her (separate bedrooms), at least until they're old enough that we can move them around more. She's already trying to win me over again, and I know I'll just have to tell her off again. 

Can I do anything to help her get over me? Is it even a good idea for me to get an apartment with her? Am I a total knob?


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## SoyBoy

Well, thanks for that. I know I've screwed up a number of times in this mess, and I'm just hoping for some advice on how I can avoid screwing things up further. To that end, I'd prefer _constructive_ commentary. Maybe the internet was the wrong place to go for that.


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## PBear

Your degrees of knobitude are high, grasshopper. Starting with sticking your unwrapped **** in someone you don't really know. Compound that with no checking on who's taking ownership of birth control, and continuing a relationship so she has something to do...

I think you should do some reading on codependent relationships, as you're about to embark on an 18+ year journey. You seem to need someone to "fix", and she needs to be fixed. In more ways than one, apparently...

If it was my, my first step would be to talk to a lawyer and find out what your legal obligations are, and your rights. And investigate paternity tests. No sense taking on trouble that isn't really yours. Then make sure you can at least meet your obligations. Finally, figure out which of your rights you'd like to enforce. Keep in mind that the status quo is often the basis for future negotiations. So don't expect you can demand a 50/50 custody split when the kids are 6 if you give up your rights now.

Good luck!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko

Thought about abortion?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## waiwera

I feel so sad for those babies... every child has the right to born into a loving home.

Why even move in together, it will lead on the woman you don't love.

You can be a good dad without becoming their mothers roomie.

Just concentrate on being a wonderful and committed parent to those babies...


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## PBear

Or adoption...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadyFrog

Will she consider adoption, OP?


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## SoyBoy

When she gave me the news, she had already made the decision to keep them, and I'm not about to be the guy that tries to talk her out of it. I've always been pro-choice, but having seen the two of them at the ultrasound, I can't even imagine getting an abortion anymore. These kids are happening, and I intend to be the best father I can for them. This is really more about how I can convince the mother to look elsewhere for a romantic relationship instead of wasting her energy on me.


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## PBear

Getting an apartment with her is likely a bad move then... Again, talk to a lawyer, find out what your rights and obligations are. Then do what you need to do to enforce your rights. A 2 bedroom apartment for you and the kids would be a good start. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadyFrog

I'm anti-abortion; I wouldn't suggest it. She's pregnant, which means the next nine months are going to be very emotionally charged for her.

You should have used birth control, as you know, but nothing can be done now. I don't think you should move in. That's going to give her false hope whether she verbalizes it or not.

Are you sure you're the father?

Do not talk yourself into having a relationship with her. You will end up miserable and so will the kids.

All you can do now is make it crystal clear to this woman that you do not love her and a relationship is not going to happen. Then be a terrific father to those kids; they're innocent.

In the future, use birth control.


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## Love Song

You are one of those guys that gives insecure women just enough to hang on. You want her to leave you alone for a committed relationship? Stop giving her false hope. The moving in together thing is just giving her mixed signals.


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## Posse

Big Boy Rules Apply. If you step up and follow them, you are a worthy man.

Get her a place to live now.

Pay for it. Live there or not, but based on what you are saying, I'd say not. Pay for it anyway. That is what responsible adulthood is about.

Be there for the birth, regardless of the circumstances. They are your children, and are truly a gift from God.

Plan on writing checks for 19 years. Maintain that place for your children, even if you don't like the mother. Keep room for them to come to live with you over the next 24 years, as needed. Encourage it. If you are there for the birth, believe me, you won't regret it...

Make the best of what you view as a bad situation by doing your utmost to be the best father you can be to those twins for the rest of your life.

I suspect you will learn like the rest of us that children are the best kept secret in life. Enjoy the hell ouf of them. 18 years will pass much faster than you think it will!! 

I don't want to pay for your kids, so don't ask LOL, but man I wish I could have more little ones. I miss them... Well, maybe not the midnight feedings. I'd change diapers 20X/day to have a little one around (as long as it wasn't from my 14 or 17 y/o right now....)


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## Davi

Its your mistake....
If you were not in serious relationship with her then why you did not think about the result?
Now, you are asking to help her...! why?
Those babies need a real dad not just a dad....So, move away and let her decide......


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## shy_guy

As an adoptive parent, I can say, there are options where the children have loving parents. That's your and her decision, but it is a decision that responsibly should be at least considered. The number of parents trying to adopt is much larger than people realize. Some of them cannot have biological children, and some can. In some cases open adoption is possible.

You can't talk her into it or out of it. It has to be her decision, but it is an extremely emotional time for her right now (and for you, too). These are the things that adoption counselors can help with. The counselor will not own the decision - that will be up to you, and her - but they can help you walk through the emotions to the reality of child rearing and what is best for the children. That can help make the decision that you can live with in the long term, whether that decision is to keep the children, or change their destiny by placing them into a different kind of home.

I think it is something that has to be responsibly considered.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

> I was involved with someone else (true, not cheating, she lives far away and we have an understanding about this sort of thing.)


I would like to know what 'alternate reality' this other woman lives in where you have an *understanding* about

* having uncommitted/UNPROTECTED sex with other women
* you get another woman pregnant
* you consider moving into an apartment with pregnant woman to be near your 'children'
* you will be raising your children by another woman

All I can say about your 'understanding' girlfriend is...WTF?

Get a paternity test.
Don't move in with pregnant woman.
See an attorney.
Get checked for STDs.

WEAR A CONDOM, WEAR A CONDOM, WEAR A CONDOM, WEAR A CONDOM


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## dymo

SoyBoy said:


> This is really more about how I can convince the mother to look elsewhere for a romantic relationship instead of wasting her energy on me.


She won't be wasting her energy in 9 months. When the babies are gone, all of her energy will be going into looking taking care of them. And they're twins. She won't have too much energy to spare. 

Give it enough time, don't encourage her, and those feelings she has may very well fade.


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## all4her

Dude DO NOT move in with her. If she is already being clingy, whats going to happen when you want to move out on your own? What manipulation and guilt is she going to pull then?? I imagine something like "Icant believe you are leaving the mother of your children out in the cold after so many x years"

What if you wanted to bring in this other long distance girl to visit? Hows that going to go along with roomie? BTW as far as other girl is concerned, if you move in with this woman whom you IMPREGNATED, i doubt she would stick around. I doubt having a baby by someone else and the moving in together falls under what you two reconciled to do about dating.

In fact now with raising twins, I doubt you will see much of her anymore at all. Imagine if SHE got pregnant with some dudes twins and moved in with him....but called him a roomie....would u still visit or speak to her?

youve messed up enough, do NOT move in with her. She will use you and no matter what YOU see it as, SHE will see it as one step closer to marriage.


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## all4her

YES Get a paternity test, this woman already sounds rank. I doubt you are the only **** buddy she has. perhaps you are just the most pliable. Also how far along is she that she knows its twins??


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## MrsOldNews

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I would like to know what 'alternate reality' this other woman lives in where you have an *understanding* about
> 
> * having uncommitted/UNPROTECTED sex with other women
> * you get another woman pregnant
> * you consider moving into an apartment with pregnant woman to be near your 'children'
> * you will be raising your children by another woman
> 
> All I can say about your 'understanding' girlfriend is...WTF?
> 
> Get a paternity test.
> Don't move in with pregnant woman.
> See an attorney.
> Get checked for STDs.
> 
> WEAR A CONDOM, WEAR A CONDOM, WEAR A CONDOM, WEAR A CONDOM


I agree completely!!!!


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## nmc

Have you even thought about the next man that you want her to be in the commited relationship with.. who ever it is as long as it isnt you ? what kind of man will he be, what kind of "step father" will he be? Will the next man be "the one" on just the NEXT ONE, how many NEXT ONE's will she have, or how many Next ones will you have. stringing along people in and out of your chilrens lives is not good. going through brake up after brake up is not good for them. i say, get to know the woman who is carrying your children. get to know her for real, keep an open mind. give the relationship a real chance. if not for any other reason than your children. if it doesnt work, ok.. but always remember that its not the kids fault.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

This is one big and very costly lesson for you.

I had an unplanned pregnancy at 20. I thought I was doing the right thing by getting married and trying to work on the relationship with the false hope he'd change. 

It was bad. I lived a year in hell with his abuse and unfaithfulness. I left, 3 days later another woman moved in. He married her and is currently unfaithful to her and remains abusive.

I raised my daughter for 5 years with the help of my parents before finding the man I'm married to now. My husband took my daughter in with open arms and has been a true father for her. My ex shut my daughter out years ago and I've never seen anyone hate their child as he.

We all make mistakes. Using someone for sex is not a good life to live by. There's no respect in that, but people can change. Moving in with a woman you don't love is even a bigger mistake. You would be leading her on and will be harder on her when you leave in the future. It's plain wrong in my opinion, it's a lose lose situation. Unless you take it slow and start over building a relationship. Tell her what she needs to do in order to make the relationship work if she truly is needy.

I agree with the paternity test. If these children are yours, visitation and child support are a must! Obviously twins will be more difficult then one child. My ex paid very little in child support. I supported my child the last 18 years. She's grown into a very respectful young woman. 

Good luck.


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## lisab0105

Why are people slamming the girl? Her biggest fault is that she liked this ego maniac who used her for sex. This pregnancy is both of your bads. Don't move in with her...not for your sake, but for hers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel

My advice: Don't move in. Pay child support. Offer to take custody or accept visitation if it's given, but otherwise don't have any contact with her - even about the kids, unless your attorney advises it. 

I've known MANY women who use the kids to manipulate a man who doesn't do things by the woman's rules and expectations. You've already said you feel she's trying to do this, so to protect yourself and your children from the emotional abuse it puts everyone through, just stay away from HER as much as possible. Uphold firm boundaries. Get familiar with parental alienation syndrome and be alert if it starts happening in your children's lives.

My mother tried to use my brother and me as pawns to manipulate my father, who ended up getting custody of us. My ex-husband went through something similar over his daughter that cost us thousands and thousands of dollars and was heartbreaking. The moment I hear that a woman is using the children to try to reach her own ends, my guard goes up. I hope yours will, too, because there are no easy ways to deal with it.


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## KathyBatesel

lisab0105 said:


> Why are people slamming the girl? Her biggest fault is that she liked this ego maniac who used her for sex. This pregnancy is both of your bads. Don't move in with her...not for your sake, but for hers.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'll slam the girl because I don't see where he is an egomaniac who used her. They used each other with consent. He made a huge mistake in not checking out the birth control thing, but he didn't lead her to believe he was available for more than sex. She accepted those terms and now is trying to gain control, and making her unborn children victims in the process.


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## livelaughlovenow

SoyBoy said:


> When she gave me the news, she had already made the decision to keep them, and I'm not about to be the guy that tries to talk her out of it. I've always been pro-choice, but having seen the two of them at the ultrasound, I can't even imagine getting an abortion anymore. These kids are happening, and I intend to be the best father I can for them. This is really more about how I can convince the mother to look elsewhere for a romantic relationship instead of wasting her energy on me.


Tell her plain and simple that you are the father to the children but that you do not want a romantic relationship with her, and be clear on your body language and your actions, no ONS because it is comfortable. Make sure you make it clear that you plan to take care of the children and focus on that and tell her all the ways you plan to do that. To answer your original post, I would definitely NOT get an apartment together, if you want to pay her some support money and stay home... but if you move in with her even under the claim that you do not want a romantic relationship it sends the wrong message to her, that she can still have the "family" that she wants and that you can be won over.... so either make an honest effort to be serious with her romantically or do not at all and simply be the best father you can be.


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## lisab0105

KathyBatesel said:


> I'll slam the girl because I don't see where he is an egomaniac who used her. They used each other with consent. He made a huge mistake in not checking out the birth control thing, but he didn't lead her to believe he was available for more than sex. She accepted those terms and now is trying to gain control, and making her unborn children victims in the process.


I have read nothing from him that indicates she is trying to control him. Thats propbably his own paranoia.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel

lisab0105 said:


> I have read nothing from him that indicates she is trying to control him. Thats propbably his own paranoia.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You might be right, but when he told her he had another (primary) relationship and she broke down in tears, claimed such things "always" happened to her, wanted him to spend the night anyway, and continued to have sex without protection and get pregnant, I'll assume she's not emotionally stable and that it's not just paranoia on his part when she also wants to move in together.


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## memyselfandi

Gee..let me think...let's screw without protection and if she gets pregnant....let the whole world listen while you complain about it!!

"Our relationship wasn't much to speak of. Once a week, maybe, we'd go out, have drinks, and screw. Kept that up for a few months. I liked her well enough that I wanted to give her something to look forward to in a week, and hell, I was getting laid. I was always good to her, but maintained emotional distance, because I knew I didn't want to be involved in a serious relationship with her."

Sorry buddy, but you're a real jerk, thinking that you wanted to give her something to look forward to in a week..and hell..you were getting laid!! Who the hell do you think you are...Casanova???

Obviously!!!

God forbid you get into a serious relationship with someone you're having sex with since you're already in a relationship with someone else but you have an "understanding"???

Yeah sure..!! It is what it is and it's called, "CHEATING"

How in the world is she EVER going to get over YOU when it's obvious that you need to get over yourself!! She's playing on your guilt? Sure big guy!! Staying over at her sister's place with nothing to do? For sure!! All about you buddy...all about YOU!!

Karma is a sweet thing. Now it's time to put on your "big guy panties" and start paying child support!!

I just hope you can set a better example for your twins than you have for yourself and the rest of us. All of a sudden it's time to grow up..and can you handle it?? At this point, I doubt it!!


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