# The Motivations of OW/OM



## Laurel (Oct 14, 2013)

I have been lurking for a couple of weeks (unfortunately I didn't know about TAM on D-day a couple months ago) and haven't felt up to posting my full story yet. But anyway, I'm just having a lot of emotions today thinking about my hatred for WH's OW (2 PAs and several other inappropriate relationships that included a lot of texting/talking but did not actually progress to the PA stage).

We are attempting R and he has done everything I've asked of him. He has given up all his privacy and patiently answers my many questions and deals with my meltdowns when triggered. And he has, at my request, given me a ton of details about the OW, and answers whatever I ask, no matter how uncomfortable it is for both of us.

Not to take ANY of the blame away from my WH as this is ultimately on him of course (my anger at his actions could go on for endless pages), but why are there so many POS people out there who are willing to jump into affairs with married people? What is their motivation? What's in it for them? Is it the thrill? Does it make them feel special? Is the dating scene that bad that they have to try and steal someone else's spouse? Do they really think that someone who cheats with them will be faithful to them (well, probably because again they think they are special)? Do they have no self-respect? Are they just bad people?

WH has had no shortage of opportunities over the years, which is something I have always been aware of. He's handsome, charming, charismatic and has a successful career - women have always flocked to him. Wearing a wedding ring even seemed to make him more enticing to some women. When women would proposition him and he would say he was married, most of the time the response was something along the lines of "so"?

But I always trusted him. I never had any reason not to. And I always felt secure of his love and the knowledge he had picked me to be his wife.

We were pretty happy until we hit a rough spot in our sex life a couple of years ago. It was then he started giving into the temptations he had always resisted before and justified the behavior to himself. He began texting and talking to women "just to get an ego boost" and we all know what a slippery slope that is.

And boy did they all line up to feed his ego. "Your wife is so lucky, she doesn't appreciate you, she's taking you for granted, if you were my man I'd treat you like a king" blah blah blah. He ate it up.

Both women he had PAs with knew he was married from the start. Both assured him they were not interested in anything but a little fun. And of course they both got quickly attached and started to pressure him to leave me (which he had no intention of doing - "cake eater"). He ended the first one after I did a "soft" confront as he felt she wasn't worth the risk anymore (I had nothing specific, just that all-important gut feeling and a few unrecognized numbers he had been calling/texting too much). Huge mistake by me of course, I didn't know about TAM and the evidence gathering and confrontation process that must be followed in order to achieve the truth. And I felt with all my heart he would never actually cheat on me. He wasn't that kind of person. When a friend of ours cheated on his wife a couple years ago, he seemed truly appalled. I thought our love for each other was too strong. Obviously I can see now I was in an epic state of denial. So anyway, he admitted to some inappropriate texting but swore that was it, and unfortunately I chose to believe it.

The second OW was even worse with her sense of entitlement. She actually yelled at him once, "I deserve a man who will treat me right, who will take me out to dinner in public and who I can introduce to my family." She purposely pursues a married man and then has the audacity to complain about the secretive nature of the relationship and how she deserves better? 

What's even more ironic is that her own marriage ended because her husband cheated on HER and left. Of course she described him as a total creep for doing that, all the while assuring my husband that there was nothing wrong with their own affair - after all, "you wouldn't be here if there wasn't something missing in your marriage." I am floored that someone who has experienced the immense pain of infidelity would purposely do this to someone else. Needless to say, she didn't take it well when he dropped her like a hot potato once I found out about the affair and left him, telling him I wanted a divorce.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent a little.


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## BlueCalcite (Jul 15, 2013)

Laurel said:


> Is it the thrill? Does it make them feel special? Is the dating scene that bad that they have to try and steal someone else's spouse? Do they really think that someone who cheats with them will be faithful to them (well, probably because again they think they are special)? Do they have no self-respect? Are they just bad people?


Others will have more in-depth responses, but the short answer is: Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. And yes.

And probably ten others you didn't list.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

good vent laurel!

i wonder the same things. there was a guy yesterday on CWI posting advice to a behaving spouse telling her he used to prey on married women. try to find him and ask him about the psychology. he's apparently reformed now.

im also sensing that you have more anger with the OM/OW than your husband. i feel the same way. I had 2 relationships where i got cheated on. i was and still am WAY angrier with the POS people that do this. many on this forum advise us that our wayward spouses are as much or more to blame than the OM/OW. probably true. logically so.

but i can't help myself. when i found out my wf a few years ago was having EA with some guy in vegas, i found out about him, planned to drive there and beat crap out of him. i really really stewed over that for weeks and almost did it. only the thought of jail kept me from doing it. i really had to suck it up 

another long time relationship i found out about the guy, who was an acoholic POS and again i had many thoughts over months of driving up to his house and blowing that mofo away!!!

not saying any of this is right btw, only my feeling. my feelings toward my cheating partners were much more ambivalent, mixed anger, depression, dissapointment, hurt. never thought once about hurting them.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

misdirected anger maybe, but in a strange way it made me feel better about wanting to kill them.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I think some figure it's not their business if someone decides to cheat on their spouse. I heard an otherwise decent single chap at my workplace telling another colleague about fondling and kissing a "married woman" in a kitchen at a party. He clearly thought it was some sort of coup to "get" an older, married woman.

The POS that my ex wife decided to make the beast with two backs with seems to prey on married women. It gives him an easy out if he decides not to proceed with the relationship. I guess he's the sort that does it becuase he has his own commitment issues. 

I am convinced that there is a major kick out of "taking" "someone else's" spouse.

They're all Bad People in my eyes. Part of the problem not the solution etc. etc. the more pain that comes their way - the better.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Women go after married men because getting them makes them feel special. It makes them feel like they are better, prettier, sexier, smarter and all around better catch then the wife. 

It makes them feel secure in themselves that there is a man out there that wants them more than he loves his wife. 

Those women are needy, self-centered, insecure s****bags. 

Most women suck...not going to lie.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Having an affair with a married person is the easiest thing in the world to do.

The spouse has to do all the day to day hard work of earning a living, taking care of the house and chldren, cleaning, and generally doing the low non sexy work.

The OP sees a spouse who doesn't get as much attention that they can give because the BS is busy doing all the hard work.

This person is married so they must be wanted...
This person is not being attended to properly...
I don't have any responsibilities. It's easy to go in flirt/have sex and then go home... 
If something goes wrong, I can just bail out. No commitment...

It's like being a grandparent... You get your grandchild for a while. You play with them a lot. You coke them up on sugar. You send them home to their family where they crash.

There is no risk in having an affair with a married person. How many married women who get hit on tell their husbands? I doubt few. How many married men.

For the married person, it's an endorphin rush they can't get from their spouse... I need attention. I don't care that it hurts my family. I need attention! They are the grandchildren. Selfish, childish and don't understand the responsibilities of life and family.


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## artlady (Jul 17, 2011)

> why are there so many POS people out there who are willing to jump into affairs with married people? What is their motivation? What's in it for them? Is it the thrill? Does it make them feel special? Is the dating scene that bad that they have to try and steal someone else's spouse? Do they really think that someone who cheats with them will be faithful to them (well, probably because again they think they are special)? Do they have no self-respect? Are they just bad people?


All of the above, blech.

My H's OW, who was also his first serious girlfriend/first girl he ever slept with, was a true narcissist and sociopath. In the twenty-five years between their breakup and our separation, she built up in her mind that because my H was kind to her, they had "history" and that he'd really been pining away for her. when he told her he was thinking of leaving me, she jumped on her chance.

In the ten weeks we were separated, she took most of his time, his money, his attention, and she tried to act like his wife in every single way. She wanted MY role in his life; if it wasn't for my H waking up and seeing what she really was (but more importantly, finally realizing he was still in love with me and coming to his senses and coming home), she would have taken it hook, line, and sinker. Even after he came home and told her that we were back together, she still wanted the "place" in his life she truly thought she deserved.

And this is a woman who is going through her fourth divorce in fourteen years. Yep, she got married less than two months after my H came home- she needed someone to pay her bills. NOT a surprise that one's bit the dust, too.


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## Laurel (Oct 14, 2013)

jorgegene said:


> good vent laurel!
> 
> i wonder the same things. there was a guy yesterday on CWI posting advice to a behaving spouse telling her he used to prey on married women. try to find him and ask him about the psychology. he's apparently reformed now.
> 
> ...


I'm so sorry you had to go through that, twice no less. It is comforting to know that others have the same feelings though. How are you doing now? Are you in a relationship? 

I'm sure it is a coping mechanism. After all, we still have some sort of love for our spouse even when they do horrible things. In my eyes, the AP is slime that has zero redeeming qualities. So they are easier to hate.


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## Laurel (Oct 14, 2013)

artlady said:


> All of the above, blech.
> 
> My H's OW, who was also his first serious girlfriend/first girl he ever slept with, was a true narcissist and sociopath. In the twenty-five years between their breakup and our separation, she built up in her mind that because my H was kind to her, they had "history" and that he'd really been pining away for her. when he told her he was thinking of leaving me, she jumped on her chance.
> 
> ...


Wow, Artlady, she sounds completely insane!!! I bet your H is so thankful he came to his senses before it was too late. 

Has your R been successful?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

There are as many reasons as there are cheaters, probably.

Falling in love with the wrong person. 
Wanting a no-strings relationship. 
Wanting to take something that isn't yours (someone else's spouse)
And so on.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I think womens competitive nature with each other causes them to think they've won a great prize when they convince another woman's hb to f&ck them, instead of realizing he's a pos. Men see things more clearly in this regard, they know the woman, whether the other woman or a married woman, is a piece of a$$ and that's it. That's why so few men willingly leave their wives and even fewer marry their sl$ts. If their wife throws them out they might take up with the ow because she's easy, but women will build fantasies around these scumbags. And men that screw married women are almost never actually interested, they see it as a free piece.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## artlady (Jul 17, 2011)

Laurel said:


> Wow, Artlady, she sounds completely insane!!! I bet your H is so thankful he came to his senses before it was too late.
> 
> Has your R been successful?


Yes, something is seriously wrong with her. Too much to go into here. And my H was VERY thankful that she's out of our lives.

And yes, our R is successful, although as so many of us know, it hasn't been without pain and work. Almost three years now. 

By the way, it sounds like your H is on the right track with being transparent, triggers, etc. I hope it works out for you! Except for HER, I always hope it works out for couples now.


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## Laurel (Oct 14, 2013)

artlady said:


> Yes, something is seriously wrong with her. Too much to go into here. And my H was VERY thankful that she's out of our lives.
> 
> And yes, our R is successful, although as so many of us know, it hasn't been without pain and work. Almost three years now.


I'm glad to hear things are going so well. It gives me hope for the future of my own marriage.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

FWH's POSOW was the classic damsel in distress with the abusive, alcoholic H, life full of drama, who needed a KISA (she even admitted to him there had been three others during her ten year marriage). She wanted to take my place. She was already friends with my SIL and my eldest step-daughter, so she figured she could just wiggle (ahem) her way right into my position. Turns out she was wrong. I guess her motive for pursuing my H was an exit affair for her. She can't afford to leave her marriage without someone else to support her.


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