# Husband doesn't understand my feelings



## unhappy11 (Oct 27, 2011)

I am looking for true and honest advice on my situation. SORRY IF THIS A LONG WINDED MESSAGE, I JUST REALLY NEED TO VENT!

My husband and I have been married for 15 years and I love him very much. I know he loves me and he has done alot for me. His family is from another country, although he was raised in the United States. About 5 years ago, his parents moved to the same state that we live him (about 1 hour distance). We see them twice monthly and everything was okay until the visits went like this. Me, hubby and the 2 kids would go over to their house. Hubby's sister also lives in this state. My mother in law always cooks when we are coming over. After we would eat, usually the whole family would sit around and chat. A couple of years ago, the routine stayed the same, but what changed was that everyone would sit at the table and speak in their language and leave me out of the conversation. I spoke to my husband and told him that it was rude and he, being my husband, should say "speak English; I don't want my wife to be left out." My husband's father does not speak English that great, but he still can speak it. My husband said that they were not talking about anything important anyway and I should not feel bad. Of course, this pissed me off because I am telling him how hurt I am and he was not getting it. Therefore, I decided not to go over to their house anymore. This caused alot of tension for about 6 months. My mother in law called me and I told her my feelings. Thanksgiving (2009) was coming and I was invited over and things were better and they continued to get better, until last WEEKEND. My other sister in law came from out of town with her husband and was staying at my in-laws (her parents). I would say we are cordial, but not friendly. The scene reverted to 2 years ago, but this time worst for me. There was not enough room at the kitchen table, so my daughter and I ate in the family room. Get this, when my sister-in-law (one from out of town) fixed her plate, my husband got up and found her another chair so that she could eat at the table with them in the kitchen. After everyone finished eating, my husband and his family stayed in the kitchen and spoke in their language for 2 hours. I was livid. My husband knew the amount of stress that this caused just 2 years ago and he sat there with them and did not even acknowledge that I was left to sit in the family room by myself. You tell me why I should not be mad!!!!! I have barely spoken to him since last Saturday. Surely, it does not take a rocket scientist him to know why I am made, but has not come to discuss it or otherwise. It made me feel like nothing and just so disrespected. How would you feel?


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## unhappy11 (Oct 27, 2011)

Thanks wifeofhusband for your reply. I knew I was right in the way I am feeling.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

unhappy11 said:


> I am looking for true and honest advice on my situation. SORRY IF THIS A LONG WINDED MESSAGE, I JUST REALLY NEED TO VENT!
> 
> My husband and I have been married for 15 years and I love him very much. I know he loves me and he has done alot for me. His family is from another country, although he was raised in the United States. About 5 years ago, his parents moved to the same state that we live him (about 1 hour distance). We see them twice monthly and everything was okay until the visits went like this. Me, hubby and the 2 kids would go over to their house. Hubby's sister also lives in this state. My mother in law always cooks when we are coming over. After we would eat, usually the whole family would sit around and chat. A couple of years ago, the routine stayed the same, but what changed was that everyone would sit at the table and speak in their language and leave me out of the conversation. I spoke to my husband and told him that it was rude and he, being my husband, should say "speak English; I don't want my wife to be left out." My husband's father does not speak English that great, but he still can speak it. My husband said that they were not talking about anything important anyway and I should not feel bad. Of course, this pissed me off because I am telling him how hurt I am and he was not getting it. Therefore, I decided not to go over to their house anymore. This caused alot of tension for about 6 months. My mother in law called me and I told her my feelings. Thanksgiving (2009) was coming and I was invited over and things were better and they continued to get better, until last WEEKEND. My other sister in law came from out of town with her husband and was staying at my in-laws (her parents). I would say we are cordial, but not friendly. The scene reverted to 2 years ago, but this time worst for me. There was not enough room at the kitchen table, so my daughter and I ate in the family room. Get this, when my sister-in-law (one from out of town) fixed her plate, my husband got up and found her another chair so that she could eat at the table with them in the kitchen. After everyone finished eating, my husband and his family stayed in the kitchen and spoke in their language for 2 hours. I was livid. My husband knew the amount of stress that this caused just 2 years ago and he sat there with them and did not even acknowledge that I was left to sit in the family room by myself. You tell me why I should not be mad!!!!! I have barely spoken to him since last Saturday. Surely, it does not take a rocket scientist him to know why I am made, but has not come to discuss it or otherwise. It made me feel like nothing and just so disrespected. How would you feel?


How much sex do you have with your husband?

Might be his way of getting you back.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

unhappy11 said:


> I am looking for true and honest advice on my situation. SORRY IF THIS A LONG WINDED MESSAGE, I JUST REALLY NEED TO VENT!
> 
> My husband and I have been married for 15 years and I love him very much. I know he loves me and he has done alot for me. His family is from another country, although he was raised in the United States. About 5 years ago, his parents moved to the same state that we live him (about 1 hour distance). We see them twice monthly and everything was okay until the visits went like this. Me, hubby and the 2 kids would go over to their house. Hubby's sister also lives in this state. My mother in law always cooks when we are coming over. After we would eat, usually the whole family would sit around and chat. A couple of years ago, the routine stayed the same, but what changed was that everyone would sit at the table and speak in their language and leave me out of the conversation. I spoke to my husband and told him that it was rude and he, being my husband, should say "speak English; I don't want my wife to be left out." My husband's father does not speak English that great, but he still can speak it. My husband said that they were not talking about anything important anyway and I should not feel bad. Of course, this pissed me off because I am telling him how hurt I am and he was not getting it. Therefore, I decided not to go over to their house anymore. This caused alot of tension for about 6 months. My mother in law called me and I told her my feelings. Thanksgiving (2009) was coming and I was invited over and things were better and they continued to get better, until last WEEKEND. My other sister in law came from out of town with her husband and was staying at my in-laws (her parents). I would say we are cordial, but not friendly. The scene reverted to 2 years ago, but this time worst for me. There was not enough room at the kitchen table, so my daughter and I ate in the family room. Get this, when my sister-in-law (one from out of town) fixed her plate, my husband got up and found her another chair so that she could eat at the table with them in the kitchen. After everyone finished eating, my husband and his family stayed in the kitchen and spoke in their language for 2 hours. I was livid. My husband knew the amount of stress that this caused just 2 years ago and he sat there with them and did not even acknowledge that I was left to sit in the family room by myself. You tell me why I should not be mad!!!!! I have barely spoken to him since last Saturday. Surely, it does not take a rocket scientist him to know why I am made, but has not come to discuss it or otherwise. It made me feel like nothing and just so disrespected. How would you feel?


How much sex do you have with your husband?

Might be his way of getting you back. Pretty much you give your husband all the sex he can handle in a down and dirty way. He'll teach all his family to speak English guaranteed! Start initiating out of the blue when he gets home or he's in the shower or wake him up for sex, do something you know he loves and you never do..see what happens.

Most of these control issues are lack of great sex. It's a way for him to control you!

Men are simple.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I agree. Men are simple!


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## unhappy11 (Oct 27, 2011)

trying2figureitout,

If it was only that simple for me. I cannot jump his bones when I am feeling like this and he would see right through that. Thanks for the advice anyway!


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Why does everything have to be about sex when it comes to simple respect issues?

I am a francophone myself. I speak *7* languages. French is the first, English is my second language. When I was growing up there were English family members (married in, even Greek family members too) and we ALWAYS spoke in the one language that EVERYONE could communicate in - English.

It was considered rude, disrespectful and a lack of common sense in our family to do what your husband and husband's family are doing to you.

I wouldn't go to any family functions either if I were in your shoes and I sure as hell won't trade sex for what is suppose to be common sense respect for the person HE chose to marry and have a family of his own with. PFFTT trading sex for respect and common sense..right okay...not in my relationship but whatever floats people's boats I suppose.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Being an immigrant who speaks a language that my husband and his family does not understand, I will not say it's rude to speak your language in front of people but limit it. He was wrong to completely exclude you like that...even if you were speaking the same language. Your husband just sounds inconsiderate and feels the need to punish you for whatever reason. But this is why I think it's important that if you marry someone who is bilingual, know a little bit of their language just get by so you can communicate. Sometimes things like that happen and you don't even realize it because to you and your family, you're just talking. It's not "Oh, we're speaking in this language." He needs to be reminded but he kind of seems like as arsehole for totally ignoring you and your feelings.


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## unhappy11 (Oct 27, 2011)

Cante Pe, I am in total agreement with you when it comes to trading sex for respect. I am mad at him and SEX is the last thing on my mind.

Septic Change, I was TOTALLY left out of the conversation. I was not even in the same room and he did not say "let me get my wife". If he had said that, then he would have set the stage for letting everyone know that my WIFE is important enough and I want her included. This needed to come from Him. Since we has already dealt with this in the past, my husband should have had enough sense to know that it would not have gone down well with me when we left. I feel like in his mind, he thought I would just get over it. NOT!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Honestly it would be a cold day in hell before I ever went to my in-laws again.


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## misticli (Oct 28, 2011)

I am sorry your husband is so disrespectful. Its not only him, but also his family acting this way, as you have advised them of the situation and they continued to do it.

I am a firm believer in you teach people how to treat you. I would never have stood in that room while my husband spoke with his family in another language in another room. I would have

A) Said something loudly like "hey, can someone let me know whats up?" 
B) Asked my husband to translate for me
C) Got up and advised my husband I was taking a cab home and he can take card of the child.

Sometimes the only way you get respect is if you demand it. Do not sit back and let people treat you that way and then complain about it afterwards. The subject about sex is a whole other matter.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

I highly doubt her husband's entire family is in cohorts with him because she isn't giving him enough sex.

I would be extremely angry and I'd have called a cab home and locked him out. How inconsiderate of him AND his family! I wouldn't go to any family functions either... I can see they want to feel relaxed and all when they have family functions but to totally exclude you is really hurtful and not to forget to mention RUDE.

I would tell your H what you feel and that you aren't going to any more family functions because you feel, obviously, that they don't want you there or don't care that you are there.


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## unhappy11 (Oct 27, 2011)

Misticii, believe me this situation will not happen again.!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your husband is in the wrong here. He is making a big mistake in how he is treating you, his wife

What you have to figure out is why he is doing this. There are two possible reasons. 1. He is ignorant to your feelings as to why this would bother you or 2. He understands your feelings but is in a marriage where he does not feel you are a good wife and he doesn't care about your feelings or wants to punish you for something you are doing wrong.

So when people are asking you how much sex he is getting, what they are trying to get at is whether he is trying to punish you in some way for not having his sexual needs met over time in your marriage.

You should keep this all between you and your husband. Let him manage his family. What I would recommend is that you tell him that if you go to his family and you are feeling uncomfortable, that you are going to get in the car and leave (no drama, very matter of fact). And I would also ask him to decide whether he wants to put his wife first or his family first, and if he chooses family first that's his choice but you will have respond accordingly.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

unhappy11 said:


> trying2figureitout,
> 
> If it was only that simple for me. I cannot jump his bones when I am feeling like this and he would see right through that. Thanks for the advice anyway!


That's exactly the attitude that keeps couples from finding resolutions to their problem.
He wouldn't see through it because you will just have lots of sex and while your banging him you will say nothing of your needs just love him. Keep filling his love tank. He will love it and want to eventually return the favor. Knowing he was a dope around his family with you. I can guarantee this will fix your issue eventually. Guys will move mountains if their wives become hot sexy girlfriends who fulfill their every fantasy!

Wives get lazy knowing they don't have to put out... sex declines.... guys act out.... wives build resentments.... spouses end up both being unhappy! This is where YOU are now.

Men NEED lots of GREAT FUN sex WITH VARIETY from their wives... if YOU aren't providing that at least EVERY SINGLE WEEK even when on your period (service him some other way).... he will be unhappy and care less about your needs. That was my situation I was the unhappy husband acting out in negative ways because I was getting boring sex less than monthly leading up to my wife's disconnection. Neither of us were filling the others needs for years. Now I'm fixing it but it's taken years!

I decided to turn the other cheek in my situation...

AFter her disconnection emotionally...I've only had sex 7 times in two years, my wife never hugs me, says I love you or kisses me. Twice in 2011 it was getting worse. All the while I was working my butt off trying to re-build the damage. She claimed she was trying and wants to stay married but after two years and it getting worse... I was at the end of my rope! Like you.

This dysfunction needed to end....

My solution was to go celibate for 6-months and work on emotionally reconnecting with my wife with our "issue" off-the table allowing for a stress-free marriage. Do I feel like "emotionally reconnecting" when my needs aren't anywhere close to met?

Actually I do because I feel this 6-months I'm shelving my own needs will fill her love tank so after she will want to fill my needs.

I'm trying to save my marriage and make it better.

I don't want the old dysfunctional one. If it can't be fixed we will divorce eventually guaranteed. 

In any marriage it takes one spouse to DO THE RIGHT THING because the other spouse is incapable at the moment of solving the issue.

YOu can't force your spouse to do anything!... You have to get them to WANT to do it themselves. Trust me if your husband won't take any chance of upsetting you it you turn into his sexy girlfriend! Give him all his XXX rated fantasies for the next few months, do those things that you said no to yet you know he wants badly and "rock his world"... see what happens.

My issue had been going on two years after 17 great years.

How long has yours been going on... 

Go have lots of sex with your husband if you want to fix your marriage!

Be the adult in the family...change your dynamics.

Or just complain about you dysfunctional marriage here if that makes you feel better and won't change ANYTHING.

Talk is cheap.... actions work over time.

PS...I used to be unhappy like you... but be taking action and having a plan I am now happy really happy because I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I see positive changes in my wife everyday.

For me it's worth 2.5 years of personal hell for a GREAT marriage the rest of the time.
Remember the "unhappiness" is in your MIND learn to appriciate all the other stuff your husband does right and take the focus off your issue temporarily. Work on your part of the whole mess!


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## unhappy11 (Oct 27, 2011)

First of all, resolutions start with COMMUNICATION, NOT SEX. I do not want him to RETURN the FAVOR because I am screwing him. I want him to treat me with the respect that a WIFE deserves. I am not a freaking machine that turns on and off. We need to communicate, so we don't end up in this situation again. SEX is not number one on my list, COMMUNICATION is. Once we fix that area, then we work on the others. 

His parents moved to our state five years ago. At the beginning it was all good. Two and half years ago, my sister-in-law (hubby's sister) started dating a man who speaks the same language as them. Keep in mind, that this guy was raised in the US and speaks English. Everytime, I went over there, this guy was there and the family would congregate and speak in their language (which is French). This caused a lot of stress on my marriage because I expressed to my husband that it is rude for all of them to do this. As my husband, it is his RESPONSIBILITY to include his WIFE because it is his family. My husband said he can't make them speak English in their own house. Fine, but he never mentioned to them how I feel. As if it was okay to make me feel like crap but not upset them. 

I stopped going over to their home for quite a while (approximately 6 months.) I guess my husband kept making up excuses why I didn't come until he got tired of them asking and finally broke down and told them the real reason. His mom called me to apologize and wanted me to come over the next time. I went over and things were tense, but they made the effort to respect my feelings.

Well, fast forward to last weekend, when his other sister and husband visited from out of town and the same scenario from two years ago happens. After all we had already gone through, this sh*t happens again! 

I am pissed! I have not spoken to him since last Saturday. The only things we have talked about is anything in reference to the two kids. 

I love my husband ALOT, he is a good man and provider to our family, but he needs to have my back.


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## unhappy11 (Oct 27, 2011)

Hicks, 

I believe that it is #1 - he is ignorant as to why this would bother me. I also don't think he is trying to get back of my because of sex. I feel that he has such a loyalty to his family, that sometimes the lines in his brain get crossed of who to please first. 

I am not trying to be in any competition with his family. I really do love his family, but ALL of them need to respect me when I am there. Yes, it does have to come from my husband. The day that he tells them "this is my wife and she needs to be included in every way", that's when they will really get it because it came from him.

You can believe that this will not happen again.

Thanks for your advice. I am so glad that I found this board!!


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

Obviously he was in the wrong and anger is an entirely rational response to what happened, but does it help anything? It sounds like you assume he should of known how wrong his behavior was because you dealt with it two years ago. I think you need to overcome your anger and explain it to him, give him the opportunity to acknowledge his failure and reconnect with you. Holding on to your anger only makes it harder for him to understand that he hurt you. 
People do get caught up in social situations and lose track of things. His sister seems to be the catalyst for his reversion to disrespectful behavior. It's entirely possible that her presence recreating a family dynamic that existed in the past is what triggered the situation, they may have just been playing out their family roles from before you were in the picture without realizing just how rude they were being.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

unhappy11 said:


> First of all, resolutions start with COMMUNICATION, NOT SEX. I do not want him to RETURN the FAVOR because I am screwing him. I want him to treat me with the respect that a WIFE deserves. I am not a freaking machine that turns on and off. We need to communicate, so we don't end up in this situation again. SEX is not number one on my list, COMMUNICATION is. Once we fix that area, then we work on the others.
> 
> His parents moved to our state five years ago. At the beginning it was all good. Two and half years ago, my sister-in-law (hubby's sister) started dating a man who speaks the same language as them. Keep in mind, that this guy was raised in the US and speaks English. Everytime, I went over there, this guy was there and the family would congregate and speak in their language (which is French). This caused a lot of stress on my marriage because I expressed to my husband that it is rude for all of them to do this. As my husband, it is his RESPONSIBILITY to include his WIFE because it is his family. My husband said he can't make them speak English in their own house. Fine, but he never mentioned to them how I feel. As if it was okay to make me feel like crap but not upset them.
> 
> ...


"I want him to treat me with the respect that a WIFE deserves"

Look at that statement

Have YOU treated your husband with respect throughout your marriage?

Do you really look at sex as a favor?

That's YOUR problem. I feel real sorry for your husband! That attitude shows NO RESPECT.
To you it's a chore. You feel used. Very sad attitude.

SEX is communication for men. Women don't understand that at all. When you aren't having sex you have no chance of communicating with you husband. It's not a favor it's a necessity. Just like raising your kids.

"SEX is not number one on my list"...Obviously but it is #1 on your husbands list! That is what matters.
Communication and emotional connection is #1 on yours. You are a woman. He's NOT.

Your husband is wrong... However you are wrong by giving him the silent treatment.

You need to understand you will never get your way with your attitude!

Look in the mirror and you will see the truth.

Your refuse to look at this from his perspective... that's the problem. Everything I read is all about YOU!
Take some responsibility. If you really want to improve your marriage. You are 100% responsible for that. So is he it's not two way responsibility. What have YOU done to improve your marriage lately?

Change your attitude and you'll have a better marriage and get happy again.

It's all about control, getting back at you. Send him an olive branch before YOU ruin your marriage.

Your issue is NOT your overall problem. Your attitude is. Your husband is just insensitive to your concern and it probably didn't even enter into his mind. Why because you aren't on his mind at the time. Why because of how you treat your husband! It's YOU.
he's not abusing you.. get over it. Be nicer more sexual and he'll get sensitive to your feelings. Stop the silent junk.
You said communication is important so why silence? Grow up be an adult.

What you need to do is make a list of why you love your husband. Maybe even let him see it.
Put this small item out of your mind... love your husband 
Then when things are better discuss calmly how he hurt you in the past. Ask nicely if he could try to involve you in family conversations because you care about his family and want to get to know them better. Use some tact instead of getting angry! Can you see your method of getting angry DOES NOT WORK.

This will get results... not getting mad over feeling disrespected!
He didn't disrespect you. He was interacting with his sister in her natural language.
It really doesn't concern you at all.
Are you going to ruin your marriage and family over this?

Your going to create tension, act like a kid by giving the "silent" treatment all over sporadic family interactions???
You have to live with your husband 24/7.. who cares about sporadic family visits in the grand scheme of things?
You are going to stress out your children over your minor issue?

Women get upset over the smallest things.
You are the reason you are angry.. not your husband. Give the guy a break. Give your kids a break from the DRAMA.

His extended family and his personal interaction with them should be of little concern to you. Your family is your concern (your husband and your kids..they are #1). Are you that insecure that you have to hear everything he says to his family? Again that YOUR issue to deal with not his.

Get your priorities in order before he divorces you and your kids grow up in a split household.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Now that I know what language it was, it's a load of crock that sex has anything to do with this. It's also a cultural thing for French people, we revert to our primary language when with family, sometimes without thinking about it.

I think my family was a little more sensitive and different though about it.

Can I ask, Parisienne or Quebecer (Akkadian maybe?). These three cultures have a tendency to behave like you described. Yes, they ARE cultures as well as languages.

This is NOTHING to do with sex at all. NOTHING.

I wish people would stop equating sex with communication. It's not. Sex is a physical connection (emotional physical connection). A marriage is not about sex, it's about partnership although sex is a way of connecting as partners. Don't put out respect, don't get respect.

Respect for me is not a right, it's something that you earn.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Seems like your husband is insensitive toward your needs.

I am not seeing the tie-in about sex here.


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## unhappy11 (Oct 27, 2011)

Trying2figureitout,

Are you kidding me? It always comes back to SEX for you. Everyone does not operate that way. SEX does not solve ALL the problems. It is an important part of our marriage, but you seem to imply that if I have him swinging from the freaking chandeliers, everything will be fine. Our communicaton has to be on track now and going forward. We definitely need to discuss this issue calmly. It's been almost a week and it does need to be addressed.

Furthemore, you speak of my attitude as if I did not have the right to be upset in this instance. Yes, I am wrong in giving him the silent treatment, but I needed to get my faculties together before I have a conversation with him. Has he even tried to have a real conservation with me this week. NO! 

FYI - HE WAS BEING DISRESPECTFUL!!!! The problem with men is your way of thinking. What what we women deem to be hurtful is something that you feel we should just get over.

I am not trying to ruin my marriage! Once there is open dialogue about everything, not only this particular situation, we'll be on the road to making things better TOGETHER!

Although, I don't entirely agree with some of your views, I appreciate your commentary.


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## unhappy11 (Oct 27, 2011)

CantePe,

My husband is from Canada.


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## unhappy11 (Oct 27, 2011)

Acorn,

Thanks for your reply. I also cannot see the correlation between disrespect and sex.


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## LexusNexus (Aug 19, 2011)

English is my second language may be third. My wife and I speak the same language, but I would never ever in my life would exclude my wife from conversation. Knowing my wife she would get up and leave. Your husband can at least translate for you, what they are saying. I think your biggest problem is not parents, but his sister. Sounds like she has something against you. Did you try to interrupt conversation in English?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

unhappy11 said:


> The problem with men is your way of thinking. What what we women deem to be hurtful is something that you feel we should just get over.


Pretty sure most men think that the problem with women is that they don't understand that a lack of sex is hurtful and something women feel like men should just get over.

Works both ways.

Still think sex has little to do with your original post though.


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## unhappy11 (Oct 27, 2011)

LexusNexus,

I appreciate your comment. I did not interrupt the conversation. I really thought that my husband would have come and gotten me to join in the conversation. This particular sister is the oldest. We have always been cordial, but never buddies. Sometimes I feel that she would have been happy if he married a woman of the same culture. 

I will also say that the parents, especially his mother, knew from the past experience how I felt.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

unhappy11 said:


> CantePe,
> 
> My husband is from Canada.


I'm a Quebecer girl myself. I can see where the cultural thing is playing a part.

I'd be setting boundaries if I were in your shoes. I'd be telling him if I get no respect I don't want to be in the situation to be disrespected.

I kind of agree with Acorn, it seems his mom was open to your issues with the language barrier but as soon as the sister came into the picture reverted. Perhaps the sister is the issue?

Also, your husband should be translating for you if they do speak in French. It's called respect.

If put into that situation again I'd walk into the room and say I'm taking child home and just go.

The very fact that they excluded you from the dinner table says a heck of a lot too. The family doesn't respect you at all, they put you beneath them and YOUR CHILD.

Of all things to put a child beneath themselves and be disrespectful to a child that does not understand adult misbehaviors. That's hurtful on so many levels.

It's a choice for him, defend *HIS* wife and child or choose his family over them. If he chooses his family over his wife and child then there need to be consequences. You not participating in family functions seemed to get your point across very effectively (at least with the mom). Perhaps another stint of removing yourself from family functions may be your only option at this point. However, don't let him tell his parents that, you tell his parents that.

Politely tell them that the issue that you thought was resolved is now cropping up again and that you will no longer participate in family get togethers and functions until this issue is fully and finally resolved. You refuse to be put in that uncomfortable and disrespectful position again.


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## LexusNexus (Aug 19, 2011)

Your sister in law sounds very selfish. If I was you, during their conversation in French start talking in English. About random, stuff like your kids. If they continue to ignore you, then they show you no respect. Then its time to get up and leave. I know how family is important, but honestly my Wife and my Son comes first, no matter what, no matter where, no matter who!


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## unhappy11 (Oct 27, 2011)

LexusNexus, 

Good idea.

"I know how family is important, but honestly my Wife and my Son comes first, no matter what, no matter where, no matter who!" - WHAT A GREAT COMMENT! Hey LexusNexus, you should write a book. Women need to know that their mate has their back at all times, regardless of the situation.


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## LexusNexus (Aug 19, 2011)

I learned one simple fact: I dont let anybody invloved in my marriage. I still believe that older sister is the problem. My best friend wife are going thru the same thing. For some reason his older sister dislike his wife, and she was able to turn his parents against him. For most people older sister is like a mother. If I was you I would become friends with his sister. Take her for lunch. I am sure she sees you as her adversary. Learning French is the great idea, but only for yourself and not to gain respect.


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## FloridaITguy (Nov 4, 2010)

wifeofhusband said:


> I stand by my original post in this thread but thought I'd offer another thought - have you considered learning French? You could take your marriage to a French speaker as a chance to learn a new skill and then their French conversations become an opportunity for you to practice and learn rather than something to feel left out of? It may be a good relationship builder for you all as they support you in this.


This. My brother's wife's family is from the Phillipines (sp?). Huge family that does every holiday big. He felt the same way until he decided to learn some of their language. 

One of the OP's comment that killed me was she was pissed they were talking in the other language in a different room! Really? So when she's in the same building they have to speak english the entire time? 

I agree, sex isn't a resolution, but maybe by making an attempt to learn french, a lot more things would improve in your relationship with his family as well. 

I'm sure I'll get blasted for this, but as a guy, a lot of what I got from the OP's posts were it's all about her. When you marry someone, you marry their family (warts and all). You married into a french speaking family, it's a lot easier for you to learn it than force everyone else to speak enlish in front of you. It would also probably show a little respect for them as well instead of demanding all of them to unilateraly respect your wishes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unhappy11 (Oct 27, 2011)

FloridaITguy, when you marry someone you marry that individual person, not their family. The extended family is a bonus.

Look, my husband knew how I felt about this. It's not about me being selfish, it's just about them having common courtesy. It's not like they can't speak English. If the situation was reversed, I would never want him to feel left out or uncomfortable. Also, just a sidenote, their house is very open, so they all were gathered in the kitchen and I was about a foot away in the family room.


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## FloridaITguy (Nov 4, 2010)

The extended family may be a 'bonus' but you chose to be a part of it or not. That involves give and take on both sides. The situation isn't reversed, it is what it is. You think that because you are in earshot, they are morally obligated to speak your language. Have you considered that according to their culture, what you are demanding isn't showing 'common courtesy'?

I'll agree that your husband could be more sympathetic, but demanding his entire family to do the same is unrealistic and unproductive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

unhappy11 said:


> Trying2figureitout,
> 
> Are you kidding me? It always comes back to SEX for you. Everyone does not operate that way. SEX does not solve ALL the problems. It is an important part of our marriage, but you seem to imply that if I have him swinging from the freaking chandeliers, everything will be fine. Our communicaton has to be on track now and going forward. We definitely need to discuss this issue calmly. It's been almost a week and it does need to be addressed.
> 
> ...


Unhappy....

It's a two-way street in any marriage. I'm giving you insight into what a man thinks I've spent he last two years reading everything I can find on marriage issues. 

A few things You should consider...

You have this overriding attitude that if he does X then I'll do Y

One implicit and undeniable part of a marriage vow of love is a sexual commitment.. regardless of any other issue. If that is EVER used as a bargaining chip YOU have broken that sacred marriage vow and YOU are creating problems in your marriage. Like my wife has numerous times! That's the source of our unhappy years after 17 great ones. SHE ended up making both our lives miserable because at some point she saw little resentments like not carrying in the groceries (I don't remember not doing that) and other "minor" things as a reason to starve me of sex consistently (breaking our vow to one another). I THEN acted out by drinking more letting my frustrations out on the kids when they screwed up (yelling) becoming distant irritable... all leading to the ilove you but not alway in love with you' night two years ago... now I'm digging out of that mess and what do I get in return? Sex 7 times in TWO years... that's why I went celibate...it's my last strawat affecting change in her... it's working.

Bottom line when I wasn't getting sex before... I was not concerned at all about my wife's needs because she wasn't giving me X so I didn't give her Y. IT WAS BOTH OUR FAULTS yet I'm the only one FIXING it. Because she still holds on to the PAST. I's very difficult as the lack of sex is on my mind EVERY WAKING MOMENT and that prevents me fro doing what i should all the time... it needs to end that is why I work my butt off fixing US. Or I will leave if she refuses... I'm not letting this fester. It's unfair to both of us.

I can tell that you feel sex is a bargain chip (most wives do unfortunately), that you own the right to it, that its all about your body. If he doesn't make me happy then he doesn't get any.

Why do wives get to CONTROL SEX in a marriage? It's unfair especially when the ABUSE that power. They cause issues.

This attitude women have is the #1 reason marriages fail. I'm their now SERIOUSLY considering ending our marriage IF things don't improve. All over her not willing to try to meet my needs over time (Sex 7 times in TWO years... ridiculous after I did EVERYTHING to change for her)

How stupid will we both feel when I file for divorce over SEX. It's not relly over sex but what it is is her inability to solve our ONE issue we have ever had in our marriage. If she is incapable of solving it then she broke the vow... I'm done.

I'd throw away my house, breakup the family, take a major financial hit, upset extended family (her parents see me as their son) send my pets to the pound all because SHE won't resolve this issue over time. Everything else is GREAT that is what is so sad about letting issues fester. I need to free my mind one way or another.

Now I'll give her time but I' not letting this go on forever.... either we fix this or we don't.
I can hold my head high regardless.

Your husband does need to communicate better... but look in the mirror at what you are doing. Can you blame him for not communicating with you?

You got so upset over an old issue to the point of not talking for a week?

You don't encourage him to talk to you...you DEMAND it!

Marriage is all about filling the others love tank so he will feel like filling yours.

It's i'll do X so they'll do Y.... if they don't over time after you've made it clear what your needs are then the only solution is to suffer or divorce. You can't make your spouse do ANYTHING however you can make him feel like making you happy and want to fill your needs.

You control what YOU do. You control YOUR attitude. 

I'm there now.... I'm doing the communication, attentiveness, being happy and fun, working on myself, working out, finding things to do that make me happy.

All without getting HARDLY ANYTHING from my wife that I desire. I do this because I understand that is what it's going to take to eventually get her to come back to me and get over her resentments that built up i n the past.

I know I have he inside track on her heart and it's just taking time... I see positive change daily. We are both happier.

None of this would have occurred with an attitude of I'm not going to fill her needs until she gives me SEX. So yes it's encouraging the other to fill your needs by filling theirs.

If it doesn't work out divorce.

Marriage is simple and ALL problems are one spouse not filling needs then the other does he same... and you end up on a forum talking about it!

For you if you really want to fix this....

Drop the COMMUNICATION requirement
Work on yourself
Identify your husbands needs they might not all be SEX... in my case it's Quality Tiime with my wife AND Physical Touch including SEX. I get neither right now while we go through his... i's hard yet I love my ife and understand I caused this situation in part. I'm bound to her through marriage. I won't fail her.

Yes she will come around..guaranteed. It's just a matter of when.

You husband has HEARD you. He knows what you WANT. Th whole secret is getting him to want to do for you what you desire. 

So yes marriage is full of that.... Problems occur when people feel ENTITLED to something... You feel ENTITLED to COMMUNICATION... that's the issue. You aren't thinking of your husband first... that's a MAJOR problem. Its all about YOU still.

It's still all about YOU.

If you want results consider all i've said it may help give you a better outlook on marriage.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

Speaking in a language that they know you can't understand is rude. Your husband should be willing to act as translator between you and his father if English is a problem for the FIL.

Leaving you to eat in the family room while he ate at the table was rude. If there was not room for the table for his entire family (ie. you and your daughter) then he should have joined you in the family room.

Getting a chair for his sister but not for you was rude. 

Is he rude and inconsiderate of you in other areas of life also? 

I don't care how good or bad the sex is there is no excuse for rude behavior. How is the communication between the two of you on other issues? 

And sex is the result of a good relationship - not the cause of it.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

SadieBrown said:


> Speaking in a language that they know you can't understand is rude. Your husband should be willing to act as translator between you and his father if English is a problem for the FIL.
> 
> Leaving you to eat in the family room while he ate at the table was rude. If there was not room for the table for his entire family (ie. you and your daughter) then he should have joined you in the family room.
> 
> ...


There is that WOMAN view again....

Sex is he result of getting married whenever it's used as a bargaining chip ALL other parts of the marriage are affected.


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## misticli (Oct 28, 2011)

SadieBrown said:


> Leaving you to eat in the family room while he ate at the table was rude. If there was not room for the table for his entire family (ie. you and your daughter) then he should have joined you in the family room.
> 
> Getting a chair for his sister but not for you was rude.


Agreed. I would never let someone sit by themselves like that.

op, Have you had a chance to further discuss this with your husband? Talk about what you would like for gatherings going forward, and if this occurred again what your actions would be.
Avoiding his family is not the way to go with something like this, unless you are willing to sever that tie and hurt a part of your marriage.

To repeat myself, you teach people how to treat you. I understand you are saying it would not happen again, but if you would of spoke up when it happened you may have prevented your hurt feelings. It's much worse dealing with it after the fact than if you had went into the room and asked your husband to translate. Its so easy to complain about something that we could have potentially changed it before it got out of hand.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Okay, I will add a word or two about "French".

I have extended relatives that are German. My sister's H and his mom speak German, but can speak English. My sister learned some German so she could kinda follow what was going on. And they helped her with it. 

I have extended relatives on my Dad's side that are French.
Even though technically I am French, I will say that the whole language thing has far reaching tentacles. Especially in Cda. It's about preserving the language. I have an Uncle that will ONLY speak to me in French, even though he can speak English very well. 

I know lots of French people with this attitude about the language.
Most of them speak English very very well. The attitude about French?
You should learn it. And be able to talk to them in THEIR language.
A bit snobby or rude, but that's how it is. I grew up with it. 
And being told as a child to be specific that we were "Parisian", not Quebecois" one is a slanged out version (Quebec) and known as frog french by those from Europe. 

French are a bit different about language. I'm not certain they even think it's rude to do what they did. Seriously.
They are quite passionate about it as well. 
It's not easy to learn, but it would save you some grief in the future.


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## unhappy11 (Oct 27, 2011)

SadieBrown, I am in total agreement with you. He was being inconsiderate and that is the point I am trying to get across. My husband is a bit of an introvert and he does not like to rock the boat; but this is not healthly for our relationship. I am an emotional being with feelings and I need communication to resolve issues. It is ironic that some people on this board feel that Communication is an entitlement. Open Communication on both parts is required in ordered for everything else to fall into place.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Learning to speak French would be a good thing and I believe it would go along way in solving many issues. 

What your husband has done is unacceptable (yet very French). When you marry you are each others priority period. Yes even over other family members. I would tell your French husband to quit surrendering to the whims and feelings of his families and making yours secondary. 

If this is a sex thing that is a completely separate issue. Get some answers and commitments from him. If he is not going to be your husband at his parents house then do not accompany him there.


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## unhappy11 (Oct 27, 2011)

Misticli, my husband and I will have a very indepth and calm conversation today. It is was a busier than usual week with the kids, so today we will have the opportunity to talk with a game plan going forward. 

I really love my in-laws and I don't want to sever ties with them. Yes, I should have spoken up at the time of the incident. Believe me when I say that I was boiling over and anything that would have come out of my mouth would have definitely severed ties.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

deejov, us Quebecers call it Joel (a mix of English and French). We do call it frog French too *lol*

I don't have that attitude of speak my language, I have the attitude of you live in a predominant language area, learn the language (I live in Ontario, predominant language is English) you live in.

She could learn a bit of French but I must admit French is *NOT* an easy language to learn at all.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

unhappy11 said:


> SadieBrown, I am in total agreement with you. He was being inconsiderate and that is the point I am trying to get across. My husband is a bit of an introvert and he does not like to rock the boat; but this is not healthly for our relationship. I am an emotional being with feelings and I need communication to resolve issues. It is ironic that some people on this board feel that Communication is an entitlement. Open Communication on both parts is required in ordered for everything else to fall into place.



All women thoughts again... of course you are an emotional being you are woman.

So what happens when COMMUNICATION breaks down...

I've lovingly explained (several times over two years) that I thought in order to resolve our conflict hat i need my wife to be may lover too. She reportedly over two yeas reports "feelings" being an issue. With no definition of what that means... that's not communicating. I told her less than sex monthly was my limit as to cause mental stress.. what does she do not have sex for four months! twice after that. She couldn't process my request at the time obviously.. just like your husband now. How much have you brought this up? Plenty!

it's one sided. she cannot or will not define the problem.

So nothing is left but to act... at some point communication becomes pointless! It's the same old stuff she report.. nothing new.

So yes it's not an ENTITLEMENT it's a tool that sooner or later on any subject you just have to shelve it and move on.

Your spouse HEARD you already it's in their brain... he knows full well what you want. Talking about it to death wil just push him further away.

Stop talking and start doing. Put 100% into your part of the marriage and see what happens over time.

Communication is very important as long as it's two-way. Most of my marriage problems were from lack of communication. Which led to lack of sex and closeness.

I'll communicate much better...I learned the hard way. i came up with that on my own... my wife had nothing to do with it. yet she benefits now... see how that works.


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## unhappy11 (Oct 27, 2011)

RClawson, I do at times feel secondary when it comes to his family and I have told him that and he says I should never feel because they love me very much. I don't doubt that. I am not, by any means, trying to be in competition with his family. My feelings should not be pushed aside for the sake of pleasing his family.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Him doing that to u is rude if you've already explained how it makes u feel and hecontinues it. That's wrong. Talk to him about it aagain and explain how its effecting u. Anytime u tell someone to stop doing something that hurts ur feelings n they keep doing it--they're disrespecting u and don't value your opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

unhappy11 said:


> RClawson, I do at times feel secondary when it comes to his family and I have told him that and he says I should never feel because they love me very much. I don't doubt that. I am not, by any means, trying to be in competition with his family. My feelings should not be pushed aside for the sake of pleasing his family.


Your huband is wrong for not putting you above his family... you should be #1 priority.


You are wrong for acting like a child to get your way with silent treatments. Do you put your husband as your #1 priority.... so far all I hear is all about you.

You both have lots of work to do.


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## unhappy11 (Oct 27, 2011)

Trying2figureitout, Communication is not "pointless" to me. It is a necessity. What I am trying to do is make it that a two way street. Marriage is not about just one person putting in "all the effort". We both need to work on this. Is it all "peaches and cream", NO! What's working for you is "your journey". 

We have never had a discussion about leaving one another. We are just at a place where communication has gone out the window because of the stress of life. I love him enough and I believe he loves me enough to make it better once we have an indepth, no holds barred conversation. This is what will bring us closer together mentally, emotionally and physically. If you want to say this is a "woman's response", GO AHEAD...this is "my Journey and experience"


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## unhappy11 (Oct 27, 2011)

Yes, I am wrong for giving him the silent treatment. I will rectify that today so that it does not happen again. I won't lie and say that I always put him #1? NO. Sometimes the kids have to come first. I try to be receptive to his feelings. I never said I was perfect.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> There is that WOMAN view again....
> 
> Sex is he result of getting married whenever it's used as a bargaining chip ALL other parts of the marriage are affected.


Of course it is a woman's view genius. I am after all a woman. A woman's point of view is just as valid as a mans. 

I have read over your posts, you don't seem to have much to offer as advice except for pushing sex and diminishing the views of women.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Un,
You did exactly the right thing in that situation. You kept silent. And that was the right thing because it is HIS family and therefore HIS responsibility to handle this situation. 

There is no way to justify his behavior. It is also true that you are best off finding out whether he allowed this to happen simply because he is conflict avoidant, or because he feels generally deprioritized by you in the marriage. 

If he is conflict avoidant he needs to learn to be more proactive and call individual family members before the event and remind them that they need to stick with English while you are there and that he will remind them once if need be and after that he will leave. 

If he does feel generally deprioritized by you, then he needs to openly address that with you one on one. And not respond by putting you in the position of feeling left out. 




unhappy11 said:


> Misticli, my husband and I will have a very indepth and calm conversation today. It is was a busier than usual week with the kids, so today we will have the opportunity to talk with a game plan going forward.
> 
> I really love my in-laws and I don't want to sever ties with them. Yes, I should have spoken up at the time of the incident. Believe me when I say that I was boiling over and anything that would have come out of my mouth would have definitely severed ties.


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## vadustbunny (Oct 10, 2015)

This is an old message but I have some advice. Some families are like this. My husbands family is like a private club where I will NEVER earn or be offered a membership card! So what to do? Stick up for yourself? Get angry? Have more sex and hope he might appreciate your feelings more? (puh..leeze) or....Change his behavior with his mother? HA..not likely. 
I used to expect my in laws to be like my family. I now realize that my husband's family has very different patterns from mine. "My" grandchildren will never be accepted by my in laws since they aren't blood related (all grandkids were born within our REmarriage of 25 years) but "Her" grandchildren are welcomed and spoiled. This is not about language..it's about communication. My MIL feels that her "boys" married so somebody can serve their needs...period. 
The last straw for me was when my MIL said...."We'll talk LATER when SHE (meaning me right there in front of them) isn't here to interrupt"...and no, my husband didn't "stick up" for me. I WISH they spoke a different language because overhearing the two of them speaking in the same room is worse than HORRIBLE~! Husband reverts to being a nasty spoiled brat when Mommy's around..and dont get me started on his Mommy. Feeling left out is NOT healthy for anybody!!! Telling your husband you'd rather not go probably wont do any good here..you're outnumbered and outvoted and "they" will enable each other and refuse to see how utterly selfish they are being. So do this: GET OVER IT. ACCEPT IT.....THEN JUST GO. Take a dessert. Smile and say hi. Then find something really fun to do without involving them. Play board games, take some snacks and watch movies on a portable player, play sports outside, go for a walk, id some butterflies...anything but having to just sit around and be disrespected. You'll be doing your part - showing up instead of letting them run you off - PLUS you'll be making some fun memories for your kids instead of feeling victimized. My guess is that they will become curious and want to know how you suddenly grew a backbone and a stiff upper lip. Be polite. Be nice. Just remember that nobody is ever going to invite you into "their" club which should be MORE than fine with you.


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