# how do i help my man be happy again?



## curlyred (Mar 2, 2013)

Hi all I'm hoping you can help me out a little.

My husband and I have had a really difficult last few years due to illness, bereavement and financial difficulties.
It's been really tough on us both plus we have 2 teenage children to worry about.
I have opened up to my H and asked for his support and help dealing with all these issues but he turns off and backs away.

We have been together for 19 yrs and married for 14 of those.
We have had ups and downs due to him spending far too much time on his computer and not wanting to be social.
He usually leaves me and storms off on nights out, starts an argument or has a headache and wants us to leave early.
If we are out he doesn't like me to leave his side all night if it's my friends. If it's his friends he's quite happy to leave me there and go off with them ( I'm not bothered by this as I'm very outgoing).

He would text me on my nights out with my friends around 10 times to see where I was or what time I would be home, telling me I shouldn't stay out past 2am as I'm a married woman, where as when he was out I would leave him to it. 
I nipped all this in the bud and explained he would not stop me from going out and the jealousy had to stop. It did to a point where I can deal with it.
I know he has insecurity issues but I refuse to give in to them. We worked together and things got better and he stopped the texting.

I trust him 100% but I feel he does not trust me even though I have never gave him any reason not to. 
Anyway last year I lost my job then my Grandad died and my H had his hours cut. Plus I have been plagued with ill health going on 6 yrs.
We are struggling so much financially. We both hit low patch and its difficult to remain optimistic. My H has been unbearable to live with,snapping at the kids and me, not talking, not going anywhere, no cuddles, kissing or sex. 
He's lazy and puts everything off for another day. He's angry and aggressive when I try speaking to him. The calmer I am the more angry he is.
I'm no Angel,i get angry and upset too but I tell him how I'm feeling, apologise and hug him. 
I have asked him to by help in the past as well as the present regarding his anger but he won't have any of it ( he has never been physically violent) he refuses to even see a doctor to be evaluated for depression.
I am trying so very hard to hold us together but feel I'm doing it all on my own.

He does not want to do any of the things I like to do, like walking, going out with friends, going out to eat. He would rather stay in on his days off and just watch tv all day.
Even in the morning he gets up and then is straight on his phone doing God knows what.
I asked him here does he think our marriage is going when we don't even spend time together or even go to bed together. He just shrugs then asks me what do I expect him to do.

I'm only in my 30's, I spent all my 20's in and out of hospital and now I want to make most of our lives. I want to laugh, be happy go out, have spontaneous sex, act like kids but he does nine of this and hasn't even shown the desire to.

What can I do? Is there anything I haven't thought of? 
Am I doing something wrong? I dunno anymore I just want us to be happy.

Thanks for taking the time to listen


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Are you prepared to leave him if that is what is required to shake him out of his funk?

I'm not a doctor but I have no issue with playing one on the internet. The behavior you describe certainly sounds like clinical depression.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I agree it could be depression but it could also be hormonal related.I know men who have low testosterone can develop symptoms of depression or become clinically depressed they also will lose interest in sex and feel sort of "blah" .Like lethargic.Also not as common in men but thyroid could be malfunctioning he should get checked.If you think he is too young think again.My son had low testosterone in his late 20's.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Is he a drinker? Alcohol is a depressant and it can leave it'd effects on your mood well past the time of being drunk. Meaning if you drink, then get dark and angry it can carry over past the time of the alcohol.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

You can't make him happy. Only he has the power to make himself happy. You also can't change a person unless they are willing to change themselves. It sounds like he's not putting any effort into your marriage. He is not compromising with you either on his computer and TV time. That is really upsetting. I can't imagine communication being a strong point in him.

If I were in this situation I would strongly encourage counseling. Whether it be MC, IC or both. 

Good luck. I hope you can work this out.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Especially if he IS clinically depressed.Your influence on his happiness is close to zero.It would be like if he had the flu virus and asking "how can I make my spouse not have the flu"?Its more likely you will catch what he has than the other way around.

I actually out of curiosity did a little research on this topic.Something to the effect can an optimist /happy person make a pessimist /unhappy person have a brighter outlook.In a nutshell the answer was no.At least not substancially or for long term.As well as the depressed /pessimist unhappy person is more likely to bring the happy person down significantly and for longer term the more exposure you have to them.


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## curlyred (Mar 2, 2013)

Thank you all for taking the time out to read my post and reply 

I have tried in the past to get help, he has had issues with his own childhood and no longer speaks to his mum ( her fault as she decided to ignore him and our kids) and seems to keep everything to himself but eventually explodes with how he is feeling.

He does drink 3 days of the week at home and it has always had a bad effect on his moods, he can be downright nasty when he's had a drink but that's not always, sometimes we can enjoy a bottle of wine together but lately he has been drinking on his own. 

I work til 6 so I'm up at 7 and out at 8:45. He doesn't start work til 4 and finishes late about midnight, so we never see each other. His days off are weekdays which I work but he has never made the effort to have a weekend off to spend with me and the kids. But it's always a surprise when I say we never spend any time together.
Then he says it's my fault and I should have the same days off as him which is impossible in my job. *Sigh*

I do agree that I cannot physically help him get help but I will back him all the way if he tries but he feels we or he does not need help with our feelings or marriage.
I cannot do this on my own and even though I've explained that I'm not sure our marriage will survive his sulking and selfish ways he hasn't made any effort to change or to reach out and open up.

Do you think he may be just taking me for granted and frightened of being on his own because he has nowhere else to go?

If only life were easy! 

Thanks again


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> sometimes we can enjoy a bottle of wine together but lately he has been drinking on his own.


This could be and maybe most likely is why he doesn't like to leave to go out..or not for long and wants to hurry back home.


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## curlyred (Mar 2, 2013)

dallasapple said:


> This could be and maybe most likely is why he doesn't like to leave to go out..or not for long and wants to hurry back home.


Do you think he's drinking more due to depression or just maybe to escape from family life? 
All his family, who he has very little contact with, are big drinkers. He only goes out once in a blue moon but drinks quite a bit at home on his own. 
This is the only time he initiates coitus too ( I've been watching too much Big Bang theory! Sorry have to find humour where I can at the mo)


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Your H and mine could be twins, except thankfully mine doesn't drink. Your H, without a doubt, is suffering from major depression. Mine has also been chronically depressed for the majority of our marriage. I have done everything within my power to help him...encouraging him to see a doctor, finding one for him, going with him to appointments, helping him with his medicine, being the strong one, the cheerleader, supporter, do everything to alleviate stress from his life...I've done it all. But I'm not saying this in a proud way, like "see how great of a wife I've been". I have done all of this to the point of being completely codependent and losing myself as my own person. 

My H no longer takes medicine. He doesn't go to therapy. Did I cure his depression by all my hard work? No. He's still depressed. He just lives in absolute denial and blames me for "looking for only the bad in him". I am now on the brink of filing for divorce. I cannot live another 19 years this way. So, my point is, do what you REASONABLY can do to support him in getting the help he needs. But if he won't do it, there is nothing else you can do. Don't live your life trying to fix him, because you can't. Only he can fix him. I would strongly suggest reading the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It will give you amazing insight into your husband's behavior and help you to understand how to deal with this situation better. Good luck!

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself: Melody Beattie: 9780894864025: Amazon.com: Books


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

curlyred said:


> Do you think he's drinking more due to depression or just maybe to escape from family life?
> All his family, who he has very little contact with, are big drinkers. He only goes out once in a blue moon but drinks quite a bit at home on his own.
> This is the only time he initiates coitus too ( I've been watching too much Big Bang theory! Sorry have to find humour where I can at the mo)


Im speculating. But yes I would see that as a "big" area to investigate."Big drinkers" who can safely do so at home .Will want to stay home.Why leave?Why he drinks?Sure self medicating of course .From what? That varies .The cycle is though the nature of the chemical dependancy..It can be physically uncomfortable to NOT drink.Anxiety ,irritability..PANIC....the original reason to drink is almost a moot point..it comes down to 'needing' the chemical to STOP the physical withdrawels..The chemical (alcohol is one) has damaged (if he is a alcoholic) his ability to "feel" the same kind of joy or pleasure from activities a non chemically dependant person can from just normal life.

If (and I'm speculating) that is his problem?When he is not drinking he is in active withdrawel (which is painful) his brain chemistry is screwed up(for lack of better terms) he is unable to "produce" the chemicals like dopamine in levels that make most of us feel good from activities like sex for example.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

Clinically depressed, low t or malfunctioning thyroid and social introvert that prefers not to listen to endless yap with a bunch of hens on a GNO and I cant say I blame him. 

If you dont understand introverts then its time to google it. He doesnt want to be an extrovert like you so stop trying to make him into one. 

Answer him when he asks you what you want him to do with the following, "I want you to go for a walk with me and tell me Im beautiful and then I want to come home take a shower together, give you an amazing blow job and then make made love to you. After you post carnal nap I want you to change the oil in the car. I will get the oil and the funnel if you will run the wrench. "

The next time he asks say this "I want you to join me with my friends for about 20 minutes after my friends and I have been visting for at least three hours, you do your best to be charming with a couple funny stories ready foir action and then we will leave together, I will give you another amazing blow job and then make made love again. When you wake up from your post carnal nap, I want you to paint the kitchen. "

In other words, 

1. work with what you have
2. use what you got
3. stop trying to make an introvert enjoy hours of ****ty activities that you like
4. apprecaite him for who he is
5. give him what he wants
6. THEEEEEEEEN ask for what you want

I dont get why some woman make things so complex when its so easy

Good luck

BTW that plan has a money back guarantee LOL


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> and social introvert that prefers not to listen to endless yap with a bunch of hens on a GNO and I cant say I blame him.


Hmmm...that's another explanation worth considering.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

curlyred said:


> My H has been unbearable to live with,snapping at the kids and me, not talking, not going anywhere, no cuddles, kissing or sex.
> He's lazy and puts everything off for another day. He's angry and aggressive when I try speaking to him. The calmer I am the more angry he is.


This has NOTHING to do with GNO. My previous advice still stands. Mr Used To Know is way oversimplifying the issue and minimizing the detrimental affects it is having on the OP.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Well,when you go out with friends,you say he texts you many times.He does love you but sounds like hes insecure.

Does he suffer from low self esteem?

Angry and grumpy on and off,sounds like depression and 
a little bit of BPD.

I'm sure your husbands knows how he is he just acting
and you need to be strong.

Talk to him and reassure that you love him,but he needs to 
go to the doctor and get help.Keep on him till he caves
and go with him.

Working out problems is never easy.The longer you let his go on,
the chances it will only get worse.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

Waking up to life said:


> This has NOTHING to do with GNO. My previous advice still stands. Mr Used To Know is way oversimplifying the issue and minimizing the detrimental affects it is having on the OP.


You are a woman with a eerily similar husband with a plan that self admittedly totally failed yet your advice still stands? 

I am an introverted male happily married to an extroverted female that listed a half dozen ideas responsive to the question and I am oversimplifying? 

I often tell those seeking my input to not follow someones advice that is in the same place they are. Its much more effective to follow someone that has arrived at the place they are trying to reach.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Yes, my original "plan" for helping my H failed, and I said as much in my post. That's why the advice as quoted below still stands. 



Waking up to life said:


> So, my point is, do what you REASONABLY can do to support him in getting the help he needs. But if he won't do it, there is nothing else you can do. Don't live your life trying to fix him, because you can't. Only he can fix him. I would strongly suggest reading the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It will give you amazing insight into your husband's behavior and help you to understand how to deal with this situation better. Good luck!
> 
> Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself: Melody Beattie: 9780894864025: Amazon.com: Books


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

You can't make someone else happy nor can you make them do something for themselves (like going to a psychologist). As others have said he sounds very depressed and the alcohol will not help one bit. It's an easy crutch. I know you're not his mother but watch if his drinking increases. Truthfully it sounds bad enough now. 

I do agree with Mr. Used To Know that you can't make an introvert want to do extrovert activities, but your husband (with your help) needs to find some activities that he likes doing, besides the computer and drinking. He also needs to decide what he will do, if anything, to improve his life. Honestly, everything you've described here sounds so much like my ex husband. He is clinically depressed but refuses to get help. Even when I asked him to he refused. Unfortunately that decision was one of the main reasons for our separation. 

He's miserable, you're miserable, I'm sure the kids are not happy. You've got to be strong and decide how you want to live. Think of this - where do you want to be and how do you see life in 5, 10 years or so. Still like this? Can you take five more years of this? That is what woke me up. I give you credit because you are actually starting to change. By thinking about it, coming here and getting it out, you've started a process. Now you need to decide where you want that process to lead to.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

I feel the need to play devils advocate for this thread since it seems the posts are laying all of the blame on the husband which I know from experiebce with the types of issues described is nonsense. The OP asked what she could do not how to quit trying.

There are several posts that essentially say "nothing can be done so bail and heres how". 

Getting to the root of the problem is job one. Dismissing suggestions without consideration is absurd when none of your own ideas have born fruit and quitting the effort was the only option you could think of.

Depression has a number of causes. It can be biological but it can also be 100% situational or caused by faulty cognitions. Exploring the cause and addressing it can relieve the depression

Addiction if there is one is caused by overuse to escape reality ultimately causing physical and emotional dependency



curlyred said:


> I have opened up to my H and asked for his support and help dealing with all these issues but he turns off and backs away.
> 
> You have done the same with his issues below by always having your way in every case. That outcome would depress any husband. Stopping one-sided outcomes is loving, equal and could lift some feelings of helplessness and total lack of control. His having gone thru things out of his control like sickness and death, he might find relief in having some control over his marriage boundaries. You are the stronger personality at the moment and may have walked on him once too often and he gave up to depression. A felling of no control is one situational cause of depression. Its worth considering.
> 
> ...


Figure out what makes him tick. You dont know what he is doing on the phone? Ask him. Jeepers do you show any interest in what he likes or are you just trying to force him to do what you want. You dont even know him. Step one. Get to know your husband any way you can to establish a connection. SO far it sound slike you have demanded he accept everything you want. Who wouldnt be depressed by that?

P.S. Suggesting that GNO has nothing to do with it is utter nonsense and an oversimplification from the misinformed.


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## curlyred (Mar 2, 2013)

Mr Used To Know said:


> Clinically depressed, low t or malfunctioning thyroid and social introvert that prefers not to listen to endless yap with a bunch of hens on a GNO and I cant say I blame him.
> 
> If you dont understand introverts then its time to google it. He doesnt want to be an extrovert like you so stop trying to make him into one.
> 
> ...




To say it's easy and follow your script is insulting. I expect a marriage to be a compromise. Maybe you think my activities are are sh*tty fair enough but that's your opinion not mine. I'm trying to work it so we both get what we want and we're both happy to do anything together, I'm more than willing to do something he likes. 
Plus he isn't a introvert that's why I can't understand his change of attitude towards going out and having fun.

As for giving him a blowjob and amazing sex it has been offered and turned down so I KNOW there's something not right so you can keep your money back guarantee 


As for the drinking I know he's no where near dependant on alcohol.His job involves driving so most night he cannot consume any for most of the week. It's definitely not withdrawal from booze that's causing his moods. I'm now almost convinced he has depression.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Don't take this personally, but it sounds like you know what you want out of life, in your marriage, and how you want it to be.

I want to make most of our lives. I want to laugh, be happy go out, have spontaneous sex, act like kids but he does nine of this and hasn't even shown the desire to.

Chances are, he wants the same things. What does HE want out of life? What makes him happy? Where's the middle ground?

And to split hairs... it sounds like you are not happy? Overall, with life. Maybe a bit miffed that he hasn't helped you with things in the past? Just asking because it's the first thing you mentioned in your post. Kinda like the top thought. 

That kinda thing spills over into everything else. And sometimes you associate it as being unhappy just by being with that person.

So you are two different people. Don't like all the same things. 
You can work with it, or let it be an excuse for why you dont' get along. There is either middle ground, you accept each other for your differences, or you part ways and find someone who is more suitable for your current personality. Nothing wrong with either option.


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## curlyred (Mar 2, 2013)

Mr Used To Know said:


> I feel the need to play devils advocate for this thread since it seems the posts are laying all of the blame on the husband which I know from experiebce with the types of issues described is nonsense. The OP asked what she could do not how to quit trying.
> 
> There are several posts that essentially say "nothing can be done so bail and heres how".
> 
> ...


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## curlyred (Mar 2, 2013)

deejov said:


> Don't take this personally, but it sounds like you know what you want out of life, in your marriage, and how you want it to be.
> 
> I want to make most of our lives. I want to laugh, be happy go out, have spontaneous sex, act like kids but he does nine of this and hasn't even shown the desire to.
> 
> ...


I accept our differences and appreciate that he won't want what I want or vice versa that's fine but I'm just worried that he will spend his life doing nothing that makes him happy and that he will end up permanently miserable. I don't like the kids seeing him this defeated and unmotivated.
If he is not happy with me I'd rather he told me and then we can both work together to see what we can do.
I wish he would say what he wants but he hasn't been open with me lately.
We've been through so much together and I don't want life to be miserable for either of us.
I'm just trying to make things better. That's why I'm here asking if there is anything I can do.
Thanks for your reply


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Curly,
Not much to go on, but I"ll toss this idea to you....
It sorta sounds like:
You spent many years in hospital \ ill, many difficult times, years
Were you unhappy for a long time?
You are now feeling healthy, alive, and want to go enjoy life?

Is this right?


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

I've got to agree that a lot of it could come from differences in personalities as well.

Personally on my days off the last thing I want to do is run around and socialize. My fiancee never used to understand that. To her, me wanting to stay home meant something had to be wrong.

I really think that you should spend some time exploring what makes each of you tick so to speak.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

curlyred said:


> Hi all I'm hoping you can help me out a little.
> 
> My husband and I have had a really difficult last few years due to illness, bereavement and financial difficulties.
> 
> ...


What does he do for his job? What do you do now that you are not working?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

captainstormy said:


> I've got to agree that a lot of it could come from differences in personalities as well.
> 
> Personally on my days off the last thing I want to do is run around and socialize. My fiancee never used to understand that. To her, me wanting to stay home meant something had to be wrong.
> 
> I really think that you should spend some time exploring what makes each of you tick so to speak.


If he is working and she is not it is easy to see he is not up for partying all night. I would also not be down with spending money on alcohol and I do like to drink. I would also not be down with men buying my wife drinks either. Not saying this is the case here but someone has to be paying.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

curlyred said:


> I accept our differences and appreciate that he won't want what I want or vice versa that's fine but I'm just worried that he will spend his life doing nothing that makes him happy and that he will end up permanently miserable. I don't like the kids seeing him this defeated and unmotivated.
> If he is not happy with me I'd rather he told me and then we can both work together to see what we can do.
> I wish he would say what he wants but he hasn't been open with me lately.
> 
> ...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

curlyred said:


> Mr Used To Know said:
> 
> 
> > I feel the need to play devils advocate for this thread since it seems the posts are laying all of the blame on the husband which I know from experiebce with the types of issues described is nonsense. The OP asked what she could do not how to quit trying.
> ...


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