# A Devastated Family



## TEK (Jul 5, 2012)

My story has devastated me. I have been married just about 20 years. My anniversary is October 17 which would have been our 20th. We married young, bought several houses, and had 4 beautiful children in the process.
On May 10th my life was destroyed. I discovered some emails, to another man and woman, in my wife’s trash bin. They consisted of rough sex things and her mentions of getting back together with them. I was devastated, confused, scared, and nervous. I showed several people copies of the emails because I was in disbelief. I didn’t know what it meant. They suggested that I confront her. I went through my day at work but barely made it through. 
I confronted her about the emails. My wife told me that the emails to the man were to someone that she had met on Craiglist. She told me that they had just been texting back and forth and talking on the phone. She told me that some of it was sexting but nothing else. She gave no real details on the other email to the other person but claimed “to not know why she sent them”. I went to the friend that she had sent that email to and he gave no explanation. 
My wife gets herself into counseling and we start marriage counseling several weeks after. Her individual counselor and our marriage counselor are married and practice together. As part of the sessions she blames me for not being emotionally there for her and turns the sessions into blaming and saying that I’m crazy. The marriage counselor asks her whether the relationships were physical at all and she says absolutely not. The marriage counselor asks in another way about the same thing. She says no. His body language was clearly changed and I got feeling that he knew something that I did not. The session continued uneventfully and he tells us that he is leaving on a vacation and won’t be back for 3 weeks. My wife had agreed in writing that any issues that are part her counseling session could be shared with our marriage counselor. I believe that the marriage counselor knew she was lying. I feel vicious about that because my health status has been compromised because of STD’s and HIV.
Two days ago I check her face book page to find a message from my colleugue in her in box. I read it and find that they had been sexting back and forth for months. She actually had set a date for hooking up after May 8th and so I immediately call his wife at 12:30a and meet with her. Told her of the situation. She confronts her husband and he denies everything. 
Prior to leaving to talk that spouse I find out that my wife had sex with a good friend several months before and why wife was contacting him for more. I could not believe it. Still can’t. I confronted him and find out that it was all true. 
I wake my sleeping wife up after this discovery. She then reveals to me that she had been contacting this guy on Craiglist and sleeping with him. I couldn’t believe it and I am in shock. This is only the stuff that I know about.
Last night she begged me to not leave her but I told her that we were divorcing. My children have begged me to not do it and there hasn’t been a tear that has not been shed for any of us innocents. I cannot express with words what I feel. I just hope some people have some advice on this. What would you do now? What should do I do?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Your post isn't very clear. She had affair with 3 men and a couple?

How old are the kids?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Oh, sad.

Can you wait until you get full truth?

How do the kids know that you and your wife are discussing about divorce?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> My children have begged me to not do it


Poor things 

They lack the emotional development to understand the implications of this for a marriage. They just want dad and mum together. Fully understandable. But what they don't see is that being in a broken family where the parents are forced together due to them is horrible. 

I work with kids like that everyday. They are less stable and are worse off than kids from divorced parents that know how to conduct themselves.

Kids may never be the sole reason to keep together. For their own sake.

Oh, and get tested for STDs ASAP.



> Her individual counselor and our marriage counselor are married and practice together.


Counselors must have a healthy marriage, they keep no secrets from one another. I'm sure you've picked up on that too.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

please clarify your post, it's a little disjointed.


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## Bugz Bunny (Nov 28, 2011)

Hi I am sorry for your situation...

You should divorce her...If you didnt discover her affairs she would probably F...k all your "friends" in a few months/years from now...I hope you expose all of them including you WW...

My advice is file for divorce and run as fast as you can....Your life cant be worse then it is now,it can only be better without her...

Good Luck


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Sorry these past situation have led you to this form.

Please take time to clarify what you have posted, as others mentioned, it is a bit confusing.

How many affairs PA & EA is your wife juggling now or in the recent past? She has been sleeping with your friends? how many?

How old are your 4 children, do they know the jist of the reason why you are requesting a divorce.

Your wife seems already to be totally blameshifting her mulitple affiars on you, which is a serious cause for concern. I would immediately seperate finances, inform all family members of her actions, and see a lawyer immediately.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I am so sorry you are married to such a damaged person. The fact that she shows nearly zero remorse is very chilling. Also extremely disturbing is the fact that she is a serial cheater, and doesn't discriminate between strangers, your good friend (double betrayal for you on that score), and your work colleague.

I have zero credentials to say this, but it would not surprise me if your wife was diagnosed as either a narcissist (NPD) or with a borderline personality (BPD). Look these up and see if the symptoms fit her.

Do you know if she was ever the victim of sexual abuse?


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## TEK (Jul 5, 2012)

Sorry that the post is disjointed but thats where I am in my life at this point. Total shock.
There have been 5 men in 2 months. All PA affairs. 1 is my friend from work, 1 man is the husband of my WW wife's "best" friend (their family has 3 children and are neighbors), and the others were from Craiglist. We live in very small town and basically the whole town has or will know because of the people that are involved.
I did inform the neighbors wife (our neighbors with children) but she is at this point a mental wreck. Worse than me.
The affairs were all physical. I have no idea how long it was going on. When I first found out I was told by her that it was just a "sexting" thing with one man. That I could work through. NOT THIS. But 2 days ago I found Facebook chats between herself and our neighbor that they were getting together while I was at work.


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## TEK (Jul 5, 2012)

Yes she was a victim of sexual abuse for 6 years at the hands of her uncle. At church believe it or not. It was never dealt with legally though at the end of it everyone knew what had been happening.
The guy I work with is my partner. We work in public safety. I don't want to get too specific for obvious reasons. I'll see him every shift for the rest of my life and until retirement.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Kick her out of the house and file for D. Dont trust a word she says and dont allow her to manipulate you by her lies or sex. She is a serial cheater, if you R she will cheat you again again and again.

Get tested for STDs


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> The guy I work with is my partner. We work in public safety. I don't want to get too specific for obvious reasons. I'll see him every shift for the rest of my life and until retirement.


Damn... that's a hard pill to swallow


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

The OM denying and lying to his wife as well as an OW lying to husband when outed seems to be an all too common theme.

In my case the OW also lied and denied to her spouse.

I called him and he said he would talk to her and then called back and said she said it was just an inappropriate flirtation and the I was a crazy jealous spouse who keeps her husband on a very short leash.

That is so far from true, my STBEH went on men's trips and boy's nights out and late night business meetings frequently.

The OW's spouse hung up on me when I told him I had been sent letters, emails and photographs to prove things, as well as found texts and voicemail.

He still would not listen.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

TEK said:


> Yes she was a victim of sexual abuse for 6 years at the hands of her uncle. At church believe it or not. It was never dealt with legally though at the end of it everyone knew what had been happening.



She is in _desperate_ need of counseling. She probably has zero self-esteem. There are various mental disorders that can be the result of this abuse. I would get her into a counselor and discuss the likelihood of recovery. That is the core issue you're looking at--a very broken person. Craigslist is the bottom of the barrel. Fixable? Maybe. Or maybe not.

Brace yourself, because you may have only found the tip of the iceberg in terms of how many men, and what went on with them, and how long this has been going on.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

TEK said:


> Yes she was a victim of sexual abuse for 6 years at the hands of her uncle. At church believe it or not. It was never dealt with legally though at the end of it everyone knew what had been happening.
> The guy I work with is my partner. We work in public safety. I don't want to get too specific for obvious reasons. I'll see him every shift for the


I am truly sorry you are here. No one understands the devastation of an unfaithful spouse unless they are a victim. 

The OW seeing my spouse also prior had another longterm affair with a family friend. They were using his family vacation house for their frequent trysts. She called it their place. 

Her emails mentioned how her spouse and his spouse all got together with their kids. 

She seemed to take secret pleasure in knowing that they were having an affair while the respective spouses were oblivious. 

Kinda' sick, IMO.

I don't know how my STBEH didn't run from her after that. 

But likely that is why he no longer wants a relationship with her.

I also got hints that this OW was sexually abused by her father. Hence her attraction to a man her father's age. 

IMO, Iheartlife is right, she needs heavy duty counseling


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## TEK (Jul 5, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> The OM denying and lying to his wife as well as an OW lying to husband when outed seems to be an all too common theme.
> 
> In my case the OW also lied and denied to her spouse.
> 
> ...


 Well that is what the neighbor has done with his wife. Only problem is that its in black in white. Written down. Times and place. I just am in complete shock with the whole thing.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

TEK said:


> Yes she was a victim of sexual abuse for 6 years at the hands of her uncle. At church believe it or not. It was never dealt with legally though at the end of it everyone knew what had been happening.
> The guy I work with is my partner. We work in public safety. I don't want to get too specific for obvious reasons. I'll see him every shift for the rest of my life and until retirement.


Can't you report him to HR and have him fired?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

TEK said:


> I feel vicious about that because my health status has been compromised because of STD’s and HIV.


Please clarify this. Did you actually get any STDs/HIV, or do you feel you were potentially exposed to STDs/HIV?

I get it, you're a cop in a very small town and she's been having these affairs behind your back. It's a good bet that everyone in town knows but you. You don't really know how long she's been cheating, and as is common, she will lie to you right in front of the counselor. 

Of course she doesn't want to divorce, she's a typical cake eater.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I could be wrong, but because of her abuse I picture her believing she doesn't actually deserve you, that she is unloveable. She is self-destructing in this way to prove that to herself. She is doing the unthinkable because then you will abandon her and then she will know for certain that she is as disgusting as she feels inside.

Again, as I mentioned on the previous page, she needs all of the expert therapy money can buy.

Here is where you fit into the picture: you cannot choose to stay just to rescue her. Some people are very broken and damaged--they must learn to fix themselves. You cannot play white knight or rescuer etc. All the love in the world that you have to give is not enough when someone is an empty void.

Will she agree to counseling? She needs someone who specializes in sexual abuse for her. I would meet with them after they've had several sessions to get a diagnosis and a likelihood of recovery so you know the truth. For example, there is a woman on here (Poppy) whose husband has NPD; there are other spouses who have BPD diagnoses (or BPD-like symptoms because they typically resist diagnoses). Sometimes these people can get a grip on who they are and change. Other times--because these are tremendously challenging personality disorders to treat--they just can't and never will.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

She made her own bed now, hasn't she? Dude, I am so sorry you are here - it sounds horrible. 

The whole town is going to know she is the town sl*t. Even if you can get over the ridiculous amount of betrayal you've just endured, could you honestly ever be proud to be with her again?

It will be awful for your kids temporarily, but eventually they will recover from having divorced parents. It happens all the time for more minor offenses than this. Do your kids know what their mother has done?


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## TEK (Jul 5, 2012)

Lord Mayhem my workmate is very promiscuous and a switch hitter. When he had indicated that in the past (his encounters) I just said that if that's what he likes that his business. We would talk about his very interesting days off all the time. All of the encounters were unprotected. He has told me before that he had thought that he had caught stuff etc, etc. I mean we are forced to spend tons of time together. Am I nervous yes. Unbelievably so.
As far as HR department. No work rules have been violated. That's what I've been told. That was a brief conversation but I plan on talking to my supervisor again.


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## TEK (Jul 5, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> She made her own bed now, hasn't she? Dude, I am so sorry you are here - it sounds horrible.
> 
> The whole town is going to know she is the town sl*t. Even if you can get over the ridiculous amount of betrayal you've just endured, could you honestly ever be proud to be with her again?


My oldest daughter already believes that is what is going to happen with the town **** thing. She said it me. That crushed me that she would feel that way or have to think that.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

TEK said:


> Lord Mayhem my workmate is very promiscuous and a switch hitter. When he had indicated that in the past (his encounters) I just said that if that's what he likes that his business. *We would talk about his very interesting days off all the time. All of the encounters were unprotected. He has told me before that he had thought that he had caught stuff etc, etc*. I mean we are forced to spend tons of time together. Am I nervous yes. Unbelievably so.
> As far as HR department. No work rules have been violated. That's what I've been told. That was a brief conversation but I plan on talking to my supervisor again.



He may be bragging to his other friends about how nasty was your wife when he banged her.

He may be laughing inside when ever he saw you, as she may have told him a lot about your sex in a weird way.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

What ever happens with your wife you need to place yourself and your kids at the head of the list.

Put the wifes stuff on the front porch this has to be exposed all across the board. Start with your parents and hers right away. The ups and downs are going to be hard on you.

Get to a Dr right away and get checked out for everything. Tell your Dr as much as you know. He will also need to watch your BP, sleep eating all of it.

As far as your partner can you go to your union with this? Tell your boss if he is not going to do anything about this you will take it to the next level.

Do not trust what your wife says at this point and she will try to get you in the sack. To big a risk!

How old are your kids. Do they know everything at this point?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Concentrate on yourself and your children. Go through with the divorce and do not leave your house. She is the one who needs to move out. 

Also, get tested for STDs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

The more this seeps in. How can this guy be your partner. Will he really have your back when the s$%t hits the fan.

Sorry to read about how your daughter feels that is going to be hard to deal with no matter where you live.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

TEK said:


> Lord Mayhem my workmate is very promiscuous and a switch hitter. When he had indicated that in the past (his encounters) I just said that if that's what he likes that his business. We would talk about his very interesting days off all the time. All of the encounters were unprotected. He has told me before that he had thought that he had caught stuff etc, etc. I mean we are forced to spend tons of time together. Am I nervous yes. Unbelievably so.
> As far as HR department. No work rules have been violated. That's what I've been told. That was a brief conversation but I plan on talking to my supervisor again.


Damn... I hadn't caught up that you were a cop. You gonna have this guy watching your back when stuff get heavy? 

Painful as it may be, you may want to try and arrange things in order to avoid being put in the same squad car. I'm pretty sure it's not an unreasonable thing to ask. For your safety, and his...


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Save all the evidence immediately!! I think you can talk to your supervisor about making the work environment hostile. Get your wife some into counseling immediately. I am pretty sure it will be much uglier if you dig deeper. 

Have you informed the neighbour's wife? Is your coworker married?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I disagree Warlock. The wife is a lost cause. He needs to expose her then dump her as quickly as possible. He needs to take the money he would be flushing down the toilet trying to save her and use it towards hiring legal counsel and caring for his kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> I disagree Warlock. The wife is a lost cause. He needs to expose her then dump her as quickly as possible. He needs to take the money he would be flushing down the toilet trying to save her and use it towards hiring legal counsel and caring for his kids.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

Unfortunately. I mean it's been 5 guys that he knows of. FIVE.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> I disagree Warlock. The wife is a lost cause. He needs to expose her then dump her as quickly as possible. He needs to take the money he would be flushing down the toilet trying to save her and use it towards hiring legal counsel and caring for his kids.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I did not say anything about not dumping her. i said Counseling because she seems to be in some sort of mid life destructive cycle. The kids need her. These aren't emotional affairs. She is f*cking eveything in sight.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

TEK, if you think your relationship is salvageable I suggest you work backwards. Start by addressing the sexual abuse and what supposedly went "wrong" in your relationship. It will be incredibly hard to set aside your bitterness and hurt during this time, but it will save you a lot of time and pain by forgoing a false-start reconciliation. It would also be better for your children to have their mother mentally stable.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> I did not say anything about not dumping her. i said Counseling because she seems to be in some sort of mid life destructive cycle. The kids need her. These aren't emotional affairs. She is f*cking eveything in sight.


He really must consider the children. Bringing craigslist strangers into your life is something that can affect everyone, not just her. How will that work on a going forward basis if he divorces her but can't gain full custody? I shudder to think.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

What are your kids' ages?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What a horrible situation. Is there anyone like grandparents the kids can go and stay with while you get things sorted out?

I echo the statement to NOT try and 'fix' your wife. She is very broken and needs major help, but you can't do it. You can suggest she get counseling - she needs it BADLY - but you can't force her.

I will also echo that you and your kids should be your first priority right now. You need to extricate yourself from your marriage and your work partner, and you need to soften the blow for the kids as much as you can.

I am so sorry this happened to you


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I guessed I skimmed over the part that there were five OM that he knows of, and some were craigslist douches, the worst being his work partner. Absolutely hurtful.

Let me guess, she was denying you sex all the time too, made it seem like she was uninterested in sex.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

TEK said:


> Lord Mayhem my workmate is very promiscuous and a switch hitter. When he had indicated that in the past (his encounters) I just said that if that's what he likes that his business. We would talk about his very interesting days off all the time. All of the encounters were unprotected. He has told me before that he had thought that he had caught stuff etc, etc. I mean we are forced to spend tons of time together. Am I nervous yes. Unbelievably so.
> As far as HR department. No work rules have been violated. That's what I've been told. That was a brief conversation but I plan on talking to my supervisor again.


When I worked at a bank there were morals clauses in my terms of employment. If you're in public safety I'm sure there are morals clauses there too. You need to talk to HR, not your supervisor. Your workmate IS compromising public safety by fvcking his partners' wives.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I believe this is a "tip of iceberg" thing. Whether she's "acting out" from something who triggered her sexual abuse (it sadly happens very often) or wheher she's in some sort of MLC plus sexual awakening or whether she's is just the run on the mill cheater, I highly suspects it's going on further than you think. Take the PC to a IT guy and do a forensic search. No matter what you need to know how deep is the rabbit hole for once instead of getting snips of info every once and then. She needs to come clean of all her transgresions.

Talk to a lawyer, find your rights. If it's a dealbreaker, fina. File. If you wants to wait to cool down for a while before taking life altering decisions be sure your wife follow your rules and boundaries to a T (NC, transparency, acciuntability of whereabouts). Keylog the PC anyway ,check the phone bill further that those 2mo, the back statements...
She needs intensive IC.
Your daughter needs it too. Talk to her.

I'm sorry you have to be here.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

I am sorry you are facing this. 

D your wife. You can befriend your neighbor's wife . she is in the same boat.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> I disagree Warlock. The wife is a lost cause. He needs to expose her then dump her as quickly as possible. He needs to take the money he would be flushing down the toilet trying to save her and use it towards hiring legal counsel and caring for his kids.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




He now know about five, but i think its only the tip of the ice berg.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

I can't really say too much the situation speaks for itself. I doubt these are the only affairs she has had. I would be willing to bet there are many more going back years. I think that the evidence has just all been washed away with time. No one just jumps into be with 5 men suddenly. I bet there are more and she just got sooo brazen with getting away with it that she lost herself. 
She obviously has a sexual addiction and instead of trying to get help she sought other men's beds as therapy. 
I think that for your sanity you should separate and proceed with D. 
I could not see any man trusting this or any other woman after something like this. If they do then they are obviously severely codependent. 
IMO I would proceed with D and pursue custody. I think that after you D she will either seek the help she needs, or go on a downward spiral and jump into any man's bed she can. 
Either way your kids don't need to be in the middle of that.
I hope that things work out and will be praying for you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Unfortunately. I mean it's been 5 guys that he knows of. FIVE.


Exactly. This is no recent developement. She's one of the town's bicycles. She was just good at hiding it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> I did not say anything about not dumping her. i said Counseling because she seems to be in some sort of mid life destructive cycle. The kids need her. These aren't emotional affairs. She is f*cking eveything in sight.


But let her pay for it. He should have nothing to do with it. He needs to wash her stinky blood off his hands and move on.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Exactly. This is no recent developement. She's one of the town's bicycles. She was just good at hiding it.


Which is amazing considering this was a "small town" and all. My guess is he's one of the last to know. 

Really crappy situation. Sorry, OP.


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