# Wife Cheated but I want to work it out



## mscotthall (Feb 11, 2014)

Hi Everyone. 

On Friday night, (today is Tuesday) I found out that my wife was cheating on me. I had been suspecting it for a while. She had grown cold and distant, saying things like she wasn't happy, sex had become just physical and she rarely showed any affection. So many times I'd ask for just a little sign of affection from her and it was met with sighs and eye rolling. Finally, on Friday I attained proof of her affair.

When she came home, I confronted her on it and she denied (again) and stormed out of the house and went to her mother's house saying she can't live with these accusations. Even though I told her I had proof. The next morning she came home and started telling me she had an emotional affair. I confronted her about the sex again and she again denied it. Finally I let it all out and told her everything I knew. She turned white as a ghost and started crying... finally, she came clean and fessed up to it.

We have been together for 12 years, married for almost 10. We have two amazing daughters, 8 and 4. I just don't know how she could do this and then come home and look at me in the face and kiss our daughters goodnight. How could she live with herself? How could she compartmentalize like that?

I told her that as of right now, we are housemates and financial partners... nothing more. I know it's sick and irrational, but I don't want to divorce her and I still love my wife very much. I don't want to destroy our family and kids lives, although I know it can be said that she already made the decision to do just that with her selfishness and infidelity.

She said that she was just in a rut, feeling overwhelmed with life and bored. She said it felt good to hear compliments from someone other than me (I shower her with love, compliments and affection all the time). She said this was like a release, excitement. She admitted to meeting him twice for sex. He, by the way, is apparently married as well and also has kids. I know I have to take everything she says with a grain of salt, but that's what she says.

On Sunday, she had to be admitted to the hospital because she was going through an emotional breakdown. I can't say I feel bad about that. I think I am actually happy that she hit rock bottom. She called her mother and her Mom took her. Her mother (who I have an uncommonly amazing relationship with) told me that the whole time on the way to the hospital and the whole time at the hospital, she was shaking and crying and talking about what an awful person she is and that I didn't deserve this, and she can't believe she let herself cheat on me, etc. She knows that she needs to find counseling for herself (I have already been seeing a therapist) and if our marriage means anything to her, she needs to arrange couples therapy for us. She promises that she will do that. She says she wants to make this work and she wants to go back to how we used to be, when we used to laugh together, show affection and have fun together. 

I believe that she truly is remorseful and I hope that the fact that she hates herself so much will make her realize what she could lose. She says she could never do this again because she never wants to feel like this again.

I want so badly to be with her. I miss her touch, I want to be able to hold her again, I still look at her (and as sick as it sounds) I still have sexual desire for her... but everytime I think about what she did I am disgusted by her and I hate her and want to call her a wh##e and a sl#t. I have so many different and mixed emotions right now: rage, sadness, fear of what lies ahead, jealousy, etc. I need to find a way to work through those and try to put this behind me and make myself (and my kids) the priority again. 

She admitted that she didn't stray because of anything I did. We have a great life for the most part, we both have great stable jobs, we are upper-middle class and well educated. We are healthy, our kids are healthy and doing well in school, we go on several vacations a year, life is good, or at least I thought so. We both said, her mother has said and everyone we know says that I am the best husband any woman could ask for and the best father that they all know. I didn't deserve this. She says all of that to me, yet she went out and had sex with some other guy on two occasions.

Today I met with a divorce attorney, just to be sure all of my ducks are in a row if it ever, God forbid, comes to that. I told her that I did so and she looked like that scared the hell out of her. And, I hope it did. She needs to know that I am prepared. 

Am I crazy for thinking we can make this work? Is it true that once a cheater...always a cheater? I mean, I know that first and foremost she needs help to fix what led her to this in the first place. She has said that she doesn't love me like she used to and that is a knife through the heart but there's a piece of me that understands that, I mean, love changes and ebbs and flows over time, I'm not naive enough to think that every day would be like when we first fell in love.

I just hope that there is some light at the end of this very dark tunnel. They say that 65% of couples experience this and 70% of those couples come out on the other end happier and stronger. I just need to know how I can assure that we will be one of those 70%.

I'm sorry this was long, I just needed to write a lot.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

To help make sure the affair is done and gone you should expose to OMW (other males wife) and do not tell your wife you are doing this.

She (OMW) should know for her own well being

If you are going to try R it takes hard work ---2 to 5 years

She needs IC and maybe you too

you both need MC

she needs to give all access to all devices (full transparency)


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sorry you had to find us, but pleased that you did.

Most of us here have been where you are one way or another.

Do you know who the affair partner (AP) was? If so, his wife needs to know.

And you and your wife need to be tested for STDs/HIV ASAP.

And you need to get your children's DNA tested. This is NOT to prove parentage, it is to prove to your wife how devastating what she has done is to to you. That you know have to doubt everything about her.

CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know for the AP/OM Other Man) is also worth looking at.

With genuine remorse from your wife and a good counsellor, hopefully you can get through this. 

But your wife must be truthful. In fact a lie detector might be of help.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

If she is truely remorsful ther is a possibility for R. but for it to be first she needs to do alot of heavy lifting and second you need to manage forgivness, but this will not happen in one day, nor one week, nor one month.... it depends on you. Many here even after years still cant forget nor forgive.
I think that you need also to know more what happend. You need to find the W. of the OM and expose to her what her husben did. And this is just to begin with. Contact her and if you wish put OM on CHEATERVILLE. 
It's good if in the meantime your W. stays at her mothers house, gives you time to figure out many things, and if she wishes to come back it has to be under your boundery's. Full discloser of everything, no contact with OM, she must send an E-MAIL or letter to OM for NC, go into MC and/or IC.
Sorry you here.... but you will get other good advise, your not alone


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

convert said:


> To help make sure the affair is done and gone you should expose to OMW (other males wife) and do not tell your wife you are doing this.
> 
> She (OMW) should know for her own well being
> 
> ...


This. And read No More Mr. Nice Guy and Married Man Sex Life Primer
She needs to be remorseful and do the heavy lifting. 

And no to once a cheater always a cheater. There are some very wonderful women here at TAM who have strayed and reconciled and arenow great wives. Sorry about your situation and I hope everything works out for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bartendersfriend (Oct 14, 2013)

I'm sorry that you are here and thank you for sharing your story. I went through a similar situation 6 months ago. I assure you that you are feeling like many of us felt after discovering our spouse's affair.

It is amazing that you can feel so betrayed, hurt, disgusted with it all, yet still love your spouse and want to recover. It is a long road. It sounds as if your wife's fantasy world (much like my wife's) came crashing down when you found out. Now, you start the process of verifying that, letting her do the heavy lifting, healing yourself, and rebuilding (if you decide) the marriage the way you want to.

You will get a lot of good advice on this board. Definitely listen... and decide what is best for you.


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## mscotthall (Feb 11, 2014)

thanks everyone... She has already made an appointment for IC and she says she is working on getting us into MC. She sent a text to the man she had the affair with telling him not to contact her anymore and not to ask her anyquestions. She told him that it had gone too far. I think she realizes what she has risked.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

First of all, I'm sorry you're here.

My first piece of advice to you is not to make a decision on whether to R or D for a few weeks; or longer.

It is critical that your wife receive the due consequences for her betrayal, no matter what you wind up doing. I sense that you are on the verge of rug sweeping this.

You need to expose her to her family and the POSOM to his wife/SO.

If at all possible, and it may not be, separate yourself from her for at least a couple of weeks, so she can better understand what it will be like to lose her husband for cheating on him. If you can't, then at least implement the 180 to detach from her and separate her from your bedroom. Spend as much time away from her as possible.

You've talked to an attorney. Smart move. Don't take divorce off the table until you've had time to put your thoughts together and judge your wife's remorse.

While you're thinking about what you will do, your wife is on "remorse watch". Her every action, every word is important. You want to make sure she is willing to do the heavy lifting before your decide to R. That includes accepting the exposure, becoming completely transparent and "owning" what she did. She should be completely truthful and willing to talk to you about the A at any time. It's up to her to earn her way back to the point where you will "consider" R. Tell her that, and make no promises about the future.

Keep posting.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

If no one has mention it :roll eyes:
You should really let the OW (OMW), she a right to know

and do not tell your wife you are doing this.

Don't worry about the The OM he sure in the hell didn't worry about you.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

mscott

Everything you are feeling is quite normal.

You love her. And you hate her.

Just realize she needs to own her decision to cheat.

You did not cause that.

The only thing you need to show your wife now is very tough love.

Of course she does not feel any love for you. She has been giving away her love to another man for free. For cheap petty compliments.

Now do yourself a favor. Find out who the OM is and let his wife know about the affair. Inform his wife so she can take action as well as take the OM off your hands.

Because if you don't do that your wife will never respect you.

I am glad you met with an attorney. Now secure the finances, especially since your wife's behavior is so erratic.

And while I understand your anger and the urge to curse her out remember that berating her will not serve any purpose.

Go to the gym or take a walk to get the anger out.

And start serving up those tough consequences to your wife for bringing a 3rd party into your marriage without your permission.

HM


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

You need to out the OM to his wife. Make sure you are one step away from filing, even if you never do. I don't know how much other 'outing' I would do, since her mother knows, other than your parents


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

First off all, I'm very sorry you are here. Every story on this board about the number of times having sex being one or two, is pretty much a 100% fabrication. This is what is called minimizing and trickle truthing. I don't mean to hurt you as you are already down, but you need to know the truth.

Just spend some time here and read all the other stories. The text your wife sent to the other man is barely step 1...did you actually see it? You can not believe anything you see or read at this point.

But you have not addressed exposing the affair. IT MUST BE DONE. I was like you at one point...somewhat hesitant to do it. So were so many others on the board. IT'S A MUST. Don't tell your wife...just make sure you get the proof in the other person's hands. The most probable outcome is that the other man will throw your wife under the bus to protect his own butt.

Then, and only, then, can your marriage have a remote chance of surviving.

After you expose look for your wife at the nearest bus depot...you'll find her underneath one of the buses.


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## Leobwin (Apr 28, 2012)

Expose. The. Affair. 

Also, you might find it useful to take initial consultations with several (or more) of the best divorce attorneys in your area. This will stymie her from using them should divorce become likely.


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## betrayed2013 (Feb 5, 2013)

ur story matches up quite nicely to mine.....I am however going thru with the divorce. My wife showed pure remorse as well. crying , guilty ridden texts, u name it. But the fact of the matter is, she screwed another man on more than two occasions. Hell, mine still wont admit to it even after i had physical proof. Ur wife stopped cuz she was caught red handed. She didnt give a rats ass about u or ur kids when she was doin the deed with some other guy. Ur life has just changed dramatically for the worse and i feel for u. I still have major anxiety issues everyday becuz of wat she did to me and to the break up of our family. I tried to hang in there. Went to IC as well as she did. But she was addicted to the attention from other men, something she didnt lust for for 9 yrs, then all of the sudden things started changing. U can probably pinpoint the day she changed towards u. that is when the cheating began. U now will live the daily grind of wondering if ur wife is lying to u and the trust has been thrown out of the window. Every text she receives and sends will be questioned in ur head. Everytime she logs onto facebook, you'll wonder if there are msgs....and even if u have all her passwords, u will never know if she has other accounts that are buried deep, just for her eyes only. Hell even after my divorce, I was talking to another married woman, an ex gf who claimed she was happy in her marriage. From wat she was writing to my on fb chat when her husband was sleeping would suggest otherwise. Just take into consideration what is going to happen to ur life. Its never going to be the same. I used to say to myself, if i ever caught my wife cheating, i would leave right away....but i didnt, not until the second time and even that was tough. But ur better off if the trust is broken. trust me.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

There are others here that know more than me, but what I do know is that what you do now sets the tone for the rest of your marriage should you decide to reconcile.

Look up the 180. Your wife needs to see her life change. Her actions showed that she doesn’t respect you. If you forgive her too easily of too quickly it will only confirm her opinion of you. Make it clear that divorce is on the table even if you "want to work it out" as your subject line suggests.

In my opinion the greatest problem for a betrayed spouse (BS) is that the world around them looks the same after D day. They are in the same house, the kids are going to school and their spouse is behaving better than ever. The sex is great. It’s the marriage they always wanted. 

The kids are happy and they can remain happy if the BS just goes with the flow. If the BS causes a stink, it’s as if they destroyed the family since everything was fine until they made an issue of the affair.

The problem with going with the flow (called rug sweeping) is that the wayward spouse (WS) doesn’t fully understand what they did. There were no real repercussions since all they had to do was say that they were sorry. Therefore they feel freer to do it again. 

For example, let’s say you robbed many banks and were finally caught. If you were allowed to keep the money and did no jail time you would be more likely to start robbing banks again once the heat died down.

Keeping the money is equivalent to the wayward spouse (WS) keeping their fond memories of the affair. You can't take their hot memories but you can give them some jail time. Make her stay with her mom for a few weeks and give her a taste of what life would be like without you. Make her earn her way back into your home and heart.

You have to make the point now that before the affair you blindly trusted her and you will never be able to do that again. No rational person would. You also need to declare now that you will always get to bring up and discuss the affair even decades from now. 

She will do everything she can to make you happy and cry when you bring you the subject. This is the carrot and stick method to shut you up. If you don’t bring up the affair for a while and then do, she will say “I thought you forgave me” and “That was so long ago.” Make the point now that you will always have the right to bring the subject up.

If you reconcile you will have to check up on her whereabouts, texting, emails, etc. That is quite of bit of work for you to be forced to do because she cheated. Make sure that she knows that checking up on her is a favor and not a punishment.



mscotthall said:


> I confronted her on it and she denied (again) and stormed out of the house and went to her mother's house saying *she can't live with these accusations*.


*If “she can't live with these accusations” how can she expect you to live with these acts?*

Also, she not only lied to you, she accused you of being an irrational and controlling person. Her righteous indignation makes it much worse than merely lying.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

I don't know if anyone mentioned it before but you need to contact OM's wife. You might write out a time line. When did your wife become distant? When did she meet him? Compare your facts with her phone and email. 

Once you have it set up, then confront her politely and request that fill in more.

Tell her that coming clean will improve your relationship, regardless of whether you D or R. Trickle truth will kill off love. If she tells all and throws herself at your mercy, she may rediscover her passion for you. After all you being strong is appealing to her liminal desire for you as a mate.

How did you catch her if I may ask?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

mscotthall said:


> Hi Everyone.
> 
> On Friday night, (today is Tuesday) I found out that my wife was cheating on me. I had been suspecting it for a while. She had grown cold and distant, saying things like she wasn't happy, sex had become just physical and she rarely showed any affection. So many times I'd ask for just a little sign of affection from her and it was met with sighs and eye rolling. Finally, on Friday I attained proof of her affair.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry but yes this has been my experience. After all the I'm sorry, the counseling, the recommitment to one another ....years later she will likely get bored again and cheat. 

The unfortunate truth is she has low moral character. Look at from your own story. You gave her ample opportunity to admit the truth and until she knew that you knew everything she lied and denied. This is her true nature and people don't change. 

Not all women are like this. I hope you can find someone who has good character. And I am really sorry. I know what you're going through


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I might need a break from TAM - I see a trip to the hospital as more attention on WS than BS and BS willing to rug sweep.

This is a new revalation but I'm becoming more and more jaded.

Expose POSOM to his wife and be careful how you handle HER tears. She should be wiping YOUR tears!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm curious... Did she admit to anything more than you had proof of? Or did she just confess to what you demonstrated you knew?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

mscotthall said:


> She sent a text to the man she had the affair with telling him not to contact her anymore and not to ask her anyquestions. She told him that it had gone too far.


Your wife is being very protective of the OM. He thinks that your wife just decided to cool it because “it had gone too far.” He doesn’t even know that she has been caught. 

He should be freaking out and worrying about his wife being told. It’s very very considerate of your wife to spare him this upset. 



mscotthall said:


> I think she realizes what she has risked.


She will risk your marriage but not risk upsetting the OM.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

:iagree:

Thanks for pointing that out Greywolf, I did not see that at first.

and she did it in a hurry so that OP would not do the contact.

OP do not tell your wife when you tell the OMW.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

YOu have a long way to go before you can decide if your wife is worthy of reconciliation.

First of all, you need more time to figure out if she really truly is going to end her affair this easily. It's rare.

Second of all, it's hard to be married to someone if they will cheat on you when you are the perfect husband and father who did nothing wrong. She sounds like a cruel pshchopath. How can you ever affair proof your marriage if you can't affiar proof it by being the perfect husband and father ?

Third, sex twice is probably not true.

Fourth, her no contact text is not strong enough to prevent her guy from trying to sniff back around... You need stronger stops such as outing him to his wife.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

convert said:


> OP do not tell your wife when you tell the OMW.


:iagree:

Ask her who the OM is and do some research to find out how to contact his wife. Do not let on that you plan to contact her. Give the OMW your proof. Dates they met are good. Give her your phone number in case she has more questions.


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

Oh no here we go again. I feel really bad for you sir.

Check out my story :
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/175809-wife-28-years-left-me-tour-guide.html

It continues with 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/177058-what-type-man-chases-married-woman-10.html

Then it moved to the members only section.

If I had to do it all mover again. I would keep an eye out for the cheating but I would never have confronted. I would have just become a little cold to her and not been so loving and smothering.

I spent way to much energy trying to convince her why her afair was wrong and why the guy was a POS. However, I did not spend enough working on me and building the marriage.

I am a sales guy in high end medical diagnostics, and everyone said "do you bash the competition?, do you focus on them?" No of course not, I spend my time highlighting my products features and Benefits...

That is what I should have done to save my marriage and maybe that's what you need to do to save yours...

Check out some of the on-line Marriage Coaches. I found the best one to late. Its better than MC all my MC did was cause my STBXW and me to argue.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Just to pile on-- because you really need to do it -- expose to the OM's wife. She needs to be aware of everything. Her parents know- great, and it sounds like MIL is supportive. Hold off on clueing your parents in for now (especially your mother). Assuming you reconcile and forgive her, well your parents may not forgive as easily and will lead to problems in that area. 

The "2 times" concerns me. Once can be written off as a drunken mistake, one time thing. But she went back to the well twice. At least twice, has a huge connection with the guy. Again contact the wife right away. And once she got from 1 to 2, then it's really easy to get to 3, 4, 5...


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

The fact that she refused to tell you the truth even though you confronted her...twice is a very bad sign. She has no remorse for what she did to you only that she got caught.

These guys on this forum are second to none in giving advice on how to move forward from this. But your language suggests you've already forgiven her and that is quite scary.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

She is a cheater so multiply the "two" by at least 10 to get the ballpark number. She is TT'ing you big time.

Like others have said : EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE !!!

Please read Road Scholars thread. He got lied to for 5 months as his WW was in false R with him and continuing the affair.

Then please read Flabergasted thread as well.

She very likely has moved the affair underground. The text she sent him means nothing at this point. That was just to throw you off the scent.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Just to add to the recommendations, expose to OM's wife. If nothing else she deserves to know.

She will also help to kill the affair and keep it dead.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

mscotthall said:


> On Sunday, she had to be admitted to the hospital because she was going through an emotional breakdown.


Your wife might be freaking out because she knows she had it good and is seeing her way of life disappearing. In other words she is truly upset but it's because she was caught. 

You supplied 90% of what she needed and the OM supplied the other 10%. Life was great but now she might lose the 90% and she realizes that the 10% wasn’t worth it. 

She would still be seeing the OM if you didn’t have the proof because it was fun seeing the OM.

It also makes her the victim to go to the hospital. Who could be mean to her?. Now she requires understanding and comfort. It’s like a politician checking themselves into rehab when their caught doing something.

As barbados said the following post is you:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/158129-she-cheated-after-22-years-marriage.html


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Don't make any long term decisions.

Find out what you need to forgive.

The lying did not end..there is more you will soon find out about her affair.

Who is the guy she cheated with?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

mscotthall said:


> When she came home, I confronted her on it and she denied (again) and stormed out of the house and went to her mother's house saying she can't live with these accusations. Even though I told her I had proof.


This by far, is *THE* most common reaction the cheater has when confronted on DDay (Discovery Day). They actually have the nerve to act indignant, as if the Betrayed Spouse -BS (you) are at fault. 



mscotthall said:


> The next morning she came home and started telling me she had an emotional affair. I confronted her about the sex again and she again denied it. Finally I let it all out and told her everything I knew. She turned white as a ghost and started crying... finally, she came clean and fessed up to it.


Let me introduce a new concept to you: Trickle Truth (TT). This is when the cheater minimizes the extent of the affair, and they will only admit to what the BS can prove. Your Wayward Wife (WW) TT'd you, and tried to say it was an Emotional Affair (EA), when in fact, it was a full on Physical Affair (PA). Again, this is by far, the most common reaction upon being confronted. If you don't have actual evidence of a PA, they will only admit to an EA at most. Good for you that you had proof of the PA. 

The bad thing is, this is still only the tip of the iceberg.



mscotthall said:


> I told her that as of right now, we are housemates and financial partners... nothing more. I know it's sick and irrational, but I don't want to divorce her and I still love my wife very much. I don't want to destroy our family and kids lives, although I know it can be said that she already made the decision to do just that with her selfishness and infidelity.


Yes you need to detach from her and get your emotions under control. Its not sick and irrational that you don't want to destroy your family. What you have to understand, and already do a little, is that your WW already destroyed the family and your kids lives by cheating. If you decide to divorce, its on her, NOT you. 

Keep in mind that you are in the inital days of DDay, and the very first reaction most BSs have to finding out their spouse cheated on them is to fix the marriage. Besides anger and hurt, the third very strong emotion that BSs experience is FEAR. Fear of destroying the family, when the BS was not the one who destroyed the family. 

It is up to the WS (her) to fix what she broke, NOT you.

You also need to understand that what you are feeling right now, is only the beginning stages. Look up the stages of grief. You're still in the shock and denial stage. One day, you will reach the ANGER stage, where you will be angry all the time, and it might consume you. When that comes, you will probably not feel anything about Reconciliation (R). This is why you do NOT promise R to the WS right after DDay. You may end up deciding that it was a deal breaker after all.



mscotthall said:


> She said that she was just in a rut, feeling overwhelmed with life and bored. She said it felt good to hear compliments from someone other than me (I shower her with love, compliments and affection all the time). She said this was like a release, excitement. She admitted to meeting him twice for sex. He, by the way, is apparently married as well and also has kids. I know I have to take everything she says with a grain of salt, but that's what she says.


Finally, a Betrayed Husband (BH) that doesn't blame himself for the affair. This is very unusual. Most BHs come here and blame themselves for their WS's affair. It's good to see that for once, a BH isn't justifying their WW's affair. I've often said, that it doesn't matter how good of a husband/wife you were, the WS would still cheat because they want external validation from someone else. You could tell your WW that she is beautiful and sexy, and wait on her hand and foot, but it doesn't mean anything to her because you are her husband and its expected of you, so they take it for granted. Yet, when another man says the same thing, her heart soars.

You also have to understand that she didn't bang the OM only twice. It was much, much, worse than that. I've been to cheater forums. Affair sex is very hot, because the Affair Partners (APs) have to sneak around, the lying, the taboo factor, etc. All these things build up the sex in their mind. As a result, affair sex is so very intense, and they will have sex anywhere and everywhere they can. They will f*ck like rabbits. Sorry for the mind movie, but its true. Therefore, you are being TT'd here for sure. You had better get yourself tested for STDs.



mscotthall said:


> On Sunday, she had to be admitted to the hospital because she was going through an emotional breakdown. I can't say I feel bad about that. I think I am actually happy that she hit rock bottom. She called her mother and her Mom took her. Her mother (who I have an uncommonly amazing relationship with) told me that the whole time on the way to the hospital and the whole time at the hospital, she was shaking and crying and talking about what an awful person she is and that I didn't deserve this, and she can't believe she let herself cheat on me, etc. She knows that she needs to find counseling for herself (I have already been seeing a therapist) and if our marriage means anything to her, she needs to arrange couples therapy for us. She promises that she will do that. She says she wants to make this work and she wants to go back to how we used to be, when we used to laugh together, show affection and have fun together.


Counseling for you and her and the both of you is good. But it is NOT the magic bullet that will save your marriage. There are many bad counselors out there that have no experience in dealing with infidelity. In fact, some make the situation worse, by focusing on what caused her to cheat, and then justifying her affair. If that happens, FIRE that counselor immediately. You find one that holds her accountable for her actions and will work on fixing the marriage, not focus on her feelings prior to the affair.



mscotthall said:


> I believe that she truly is remorseful and I hope that the fact that she hates herself so much will make her realize what she could lose. She says she could never do this again because she never wants to feel like this again.


If she is truly remorseful, then she will give you *FULL DISCLOSURE* of the affair, not TT you. You don't need sexual positions or anything like that (but some do), but you need to know how many, where, and why. In order to forgive, you need to know WHAT you are forgiving.

Then she needs to send the OM a No Contact (NC) letter. She only told you she sent a text. You WATCH her write or type the letter, and you watch her send the letter to the OM and the Other Man's Wife (OMW). Can she still cheat with him? Sure, if she takes it underground. But the NC letter serves one main purpose: This is your line in the sand. That if she EVER breaks NC, that you will divorce her immediately. 

She then needs to *willingly* surrender any and all passwords to all her accounts. This is called being transparent. It rebuilds trust. I emphasized willingly because if she is truly remorseful, she would want to rebuild trust with you and that means being transparent in all things. You shouldn't have to beg her for her passwords. You should be able to look at her phone, email, etc at any time with no problem with her. Again, remember if she's truly remorseful, she will be GLAD that you are checking because she has nothing to hide.

AND YOU NEED TO EXPOSE THE AFFAIR TO THE OMW!!!



mscotthall said:


> I want so badly to be with her. I miss her touch, I want to be able to hold her again, I still look at her (and as sick as it sounds) I still have sexual desire for her... but everytime I think about what she did I am disgusted by her and I hate her and want to call her a wh##e and a sl#t. I have so many different and mixed emotions right now: rage, sadness, fear of what lies ahead, jealousy, etc. I need to find a way to work through those and try to put this behind me and make myself (and my kids) the priority again.


Look at my signature and check the link for newbies. Good information in there. When you think about what she did, you are experiencing what's called MIND MOVIES. You imagine all the things that they did together. If there's anything she has denied you sexually (ex, blow jobs, anal, sending nudie pics, etc), you can bet she did it for the OM. This is the difficult part of dealing with an EA: the mind movies.



mscotthall said:


> Today I met with a divorce attorney, just to be sure all of my ducks are in a row if it ever, God forbid, comes to that. I told her that I did so and she looked like that scared the hell out of her. And, I hope it did. She needs to know that I am prepared.


Finally, a BH that doesn't hesitate to contact with an attorney. You can have her served. The thing is, divorce takes many steps in most states. You can stop the process at ANY TIME. In fact, thats the entire reason most states make the divorce process so long: to give the couple a chance to reconcile at any point during the process and call it off. So just because you start the divorce, doesn't mean you will finish it.

Having her served sends a clear message to her: Either she busts her ass to fix the marriage, or you continue the D process and go all the way through. Let her know that.



mscotthall said:


> I just hope that there is some light at the end of this very dark tunnel. They say that 65% of couples experience this and 70% of those couples come out on the other end happier and stronger. I just need to know how I can assure that we will be one of those 70%.


70%? I think you have it backwards. 70% fail, only a third actually fully R.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

barbados said:


> She is a cheater so multiply the "two" by at least 10 to get the ballpark number. She is TT'ing you big time.
> 
> Like others have said : EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE !!!
> 
> ...



I fear you're in for a long, very bumpy ride, Scott. This is only the "tip of the iceberg." There will be more later on (if not right now) you can count on it. Do you "love" this woman so much that you'll be willing to take all the sh!t she's going to heap on you for years to come? She doesn't seem to be giving you, her husband, the respect, love, and affection that a good wife just naturally bestows. I do wish you all the luck in the world. I have a feeling you're going to need that and a lot more. Peace, brother.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Dear Tam Mods,

Please make Lord Mayhem's post above a sticky !!


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

mscotthall, so what is it you now expect of her?

My fear is that you will bend over backwards to please her when you have been showering her with love and affection all along already. I fear you will wrap yourself around her finger.

What is it that you expect of her now after all of this? How did she end up cheating? Going out with "the girls"? Telling you she was going somewhere she clearly was not going?

Point is, she needs to start acting like a wife and realize that her absence from you can only draw suspicion. Not saying she has to be on house arrest, but if it was things like partying, or girls nights out, then sorry to say, those days are over for her unless you want her to walk all over you again.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Did you get to see the NC message? 

How do you know that she has not taken this underground?

Did you have the attorney make you an agreement that if you divorce due to her affair, that she pays alimony and the custody of the children is joint? 

Have you asked her why she made you her backup plan?

This is not a time to be nice. You need to be strong, and good for you for seeing the attorney.


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

I see things a bit differently. First look at statistics, cheating is very very common. 
What you want is to save your marriage and not revenge. Revenge brings you nowhere it only ruins what is left.
Exposing the cheater/your wife is revenge, or what do you want to achieve with exposing? It won't make a good start to reconcile. 
You want either to heal your marriage or divorce in the best way.
I would not supervise her devices either, you are not preschoolers. I don't know what's the hyper here about supervising devices.
The fact that she broke down is like she wants to say - look how fragile I am please help me! She must grow up.
Maybe you should even visit her in hospital.
Meanwhile do everything for yourself, go out, see people, exercise, meditate.

Esther Perel (youtube) has a very different point of view than most here. And I learned a lot of life skills watching the talks of Ajahn Brahm on youtube as well.


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

SteveK said:


> Oh no here we go again. I feel really bad for you sir.
> 
> Check out my story :
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/175809-wife-28-years-left-me-tour-guide.html
> ...


Fwiw, do the exact opposite of what Steve says to do. I'm sorry, but he just doesn't seem to get it.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

appletree said:


> I see things a bit differently. First look at statistics, cheating is very very common.
> What you want is to save your marriage and not revenge. Revenge brings you nowhere it only ruins what is left.
> Exposing the cheater/your wife is revenge, or what do you want to achieve with exposing? It won't make a good start to reconcile.
> You want either to heal your marriage or divorce in the best way.
> ...












What you advocate is rugsweeping, which is completely wrong and does NOTHING to help the BS. Esther Perel?

How about the late Dr. Shirley Glass, or Dr. Harley Raine, and Dr Robert Huizenga, just to name a few who are experts with regards to infidelity. I see from skimming your posts that you have neither been cheated on or cheated yourself.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

OP,

You're in trouble.

Her "breakdown" is most likely a show and she sounds like a drama queen and an excellent actress.

The first red flag is that she doesn't know why she did it.
If this is true then she will do it again because she doesn't need a reason.

Has she admitted to anything you didn't already know or tell her you knew?

Exactly what evidence did you find and how?

I'm willing to bet if you show whatever evidence you have to her lovers wife her remorseful act will immediately change into sincere fury at what you did.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

tacoma said:


> OP,
> 
> You're in trouble.
> 
> ...




:iagree:

"How could you?"

"How could you hurt that poor woman like that?"


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Do not make the mistake of rushing to R. Too many BH's do that.

Do not go to MC while she is in the Fog and she is. You must kill the dream world she is in. Expose to the OMW so OM throws her under the bus. She must see him for what he is.

Have her move in with her mom for both of you. It sends a powerful message and gives you time to work on your anger. You will also see if she takes this time to contact or be with OM or to try and win you back.

Expose so she has to explain to people. The A will no longer be exciting, it will be embarrassing.

Go to an attorney that specializes in men. They are better attorneys because they have to be. Ask them for an IC and MC reference.

Do not let your wife back until she gives you 100% of the truth and is out of the fog.

Once you know what you are forgiving it may work out.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

You've already gotten some great advice. Thing is, she broke this marriage, she needs to bust her butt to fix it.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

appletree said:


> Exposing the cheater/your wife is revenge, or what do you want to achieve with exposing? It won't make a good start to reconcile.


You cannot reconcile without exposure.
What you achieve by exposing to her lovers wife is the destruction of the affair.
It's highly likely the OPs wife isn't done with her lover.
His post describing her over the top actions is a huge red flag.



> I would not supervise her devices either, you are not preschoolers. I don't know what's the hyper here about supervising devices.


You cannot reconcile without rebuilding trust.
You cannot rebuild trust without transparency.
You cannot have transparency if your WS has her communications on lock down.
Even if she's not guilty of anything the very act of hiding her communications breeds mistrust.
Access to her devices is a must and refusal is a deal breaker.



> The fact that she broke down is like she wants to say - look how fragile I am please help me! She must grow up.


You almost got this part right.
Her over the top reaction is to avoid the repercussions of her actions

She's too fragile to be held accountable for her actions.

"How can you put anymore pressure on this poor poor girl?
Can't you see she's suffered enough for what she did?"

It's not immature, it's a calculated manipulative ploy to get away with as little pain as possible.
She's setting him up for some serious blame shifting.
It's disgusting



> . And I learned a lot of life skills watching the talks of Ajahn Brahm on youtube as well.


No you didn't. 
You learned some objectively false new age bull**** on YouTube.

Those giving advice in this thread learned actual life skills by going through what the OP is while learning how easy it is for one delude themselves and how to avoid it.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

OP,

lordmayhems post#31 in this thread is a perfect guideline of what you need to do.

Live it like it was gospel.

You're still being lied to.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

tacoma said:


> You almost got this part right.
> Her over the top reaction is to avoid the repercussions of her actions
> 
> She's too fragile to be held accountable for her actions.
> ...


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

I agree, the going to the hospital is way over the top. Looks like manipulation to me so she won't be held accountable and playing for sympathy from everyone. That way if he does divorce her, he will look like the bad guy. This WW is very cunning. And her mother is helping her portray herself as the victim.

*One would think that she is the one who was betrayed.* Who was the one who hurt whom? It would be hilarious if the situation wasn't so tragic.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

She didn't tell you about her cheating. You had to catch her. She then denies, denies, denies, until you show her the proof. I'm guessing that she didn't confess to anything more than you had proof of, right?/.

She had the breakdown and went to the hospital not so much because she realized what she's done to, but what now is going to happen to her...

It's most very likely that she had sex with him more then twice. It's also very likely that she didn't make him wear a condom. And there's a very good chance that she did sexual things with/to him that she rarely, or never does with you(BJs, swallowing, anal, etc.).

You ain't out of the woods yet for a R. You're not even close.

Think about where you'll draw the line, once new information about what she did comes out. I'll bet if you tell her she HAS to take and pass a polygraph, she'll refuse.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Thats why she went to the hospital, to avoid all that. Very cunning and manipulative. 

How can he ask her to do a poly? She'll have another breakdown. 

FWIW, anyone can check themselves into a clinic for anything. It doesn't mean that they are having a nervous breakdown. She can leave at any time. Now, if the police put her in Emergency Protective Custody and brought her to the hospital because she showed or verbalized that she was a danger to herself or others, then she would have to stay there for a minimum of 72 hrs for an evaluation by a Psychiatrist.


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

What do you want to achieve with exposing?
She must end the affair not you! It is totally her work and you can ask her to do that work, if you want that. If she does not want to end the affair she is out of the marriage and you must end it. All exposing does not help. 
HOw can you build trust to someone you constantly supervise? If the wife is out of the marriage she will be distant and if you have any connection with her, you will realize that. You don't have to read her emails for that. 
I would not send her over to her mother, why shouldn't experience your anger? Living with her will tell you quickly weather or not she will turn around or not. You must have some hefty conversations/fights together weather you stay together or not, if she goes to her mother you can't fight with her.
I found that sometimes fights are quite good at the end.

BTW tacoma, what is your track record? Were you able to turn things around or did you divorce?
I had a colleague who caught his wife cheating, he immediately divorced. He was the loneliest guy after that and got heart attacks.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

appletree said:


> What do you want to achieve with exposing?
> She must end the affair not you! It is totally her work and you can ask her to do that work, if you want that. If she does not want to end the affair she is out of the marriage and you must end it. All exposing does not help.
> HOw can you build trust to someone you constantly supervise? If the wife is out of the marriage she will be distant and if you have any connection with her, you will realize that. You don't have to read her emails for that.
> I would not send her over to her mother, why shouldn't experience your anger? Living with her will tell you quickly weather or not she will turn around or not. You must have some hefty conversations/fights together weather you stay together or not, if she goes to her mother you can't fight with her.
> ...


The OP is showing clear signs of rugsweeping this. He also shows signs of handling this correctly. Keeping the affair a secret for fear of "punishing" his cheating wife is a mistake. A huge mistake. If she was genuinely remorseful I would agree with you. She clearly is not. Somebody so adept at manipulation cannot be trusted. When the marriage finally disolved she will tell everybody who will listen how horrible it was to be married to OP in efforts to re-write history.

I'm worried about OP in this case because he believes she is remorseful for the pain she has caused him and not for her own way of life changing. 

OP seeing a lawyer was the best thing you could do to protect yourself. Continue to do that. She broke the vows not you. If you want her to respect you, be a man worthy of that respect.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

You're going to get a whole lot of advice here, you already have. Some of it good, some of it bad, and some will just egg you on to get rid of your wife. You have to take everything said here with a grain of salt. Do what you think is best for you and your children.

I'm in the same situation as you. I just found out in November. I had the same questions you did. How could she do this to me and the kids? I decided to stay with my wife but she is still paying a very steep price. A couple weeks ago, she saw the complete circle of destruction when my 16 year old stepson broke down over her actions and what it cost him personally.

Can it work out? Yes it can but it will be the hardest thing you have ever done. Your wife must be 150% committed to this 24/7 or it will not work. She must be the one to do the heavy lifting. 

Before dday, my wife was like yours for about a year. In fact, I came here originally trying to find out why my wife was LD. All I ever got was duty sex once a week or so. No passion, she was always fighting with me, she had become so ugly to me.
I busted her when i found a text on her cell phone. I'll never forget the look on her face when I busted her. In that moment, they finally realize the destruction that they caused as their world begins to crumble around them.

Its just to bad they dont think about that before they do it.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

You are going about this all wrong if you even want a shot at reconciliation. 

Your wife must face consequences first. 

You need to kick her out of the marital home. 

Look up the 180 and do it. 

Right now you're rug-sweeping this and are exhibiting co-dependent, doormat behavior. 

A woman cannot love a man she does not respect. 

Your wife as little to no respect for you. 

Cowboy up and be a man.


side note- expose the affair far and wide, to your friends, her family and yours and to the OM wife/GF. Exposure kills an affair. The rush of the affair is secrecy, once out in the open it loses its luster. 

Your wife cannot. CAN NOT. Never. Ever. Be on Face book or be alone with another male without your presence. Ever. This is an absolute must. Right now, her limbic system and lady parts are screaming for male attention, if you are not stern with her she will cheat, and cheat, and cheat and.... You get the picture. 


Also, see an attorney. Divorce should ALWAYS be an option. If you want to divorce, I suggesting taking advantage of your wifes frail mental state and serving her. 

Always be the first to file.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

1. Get tested for STD's.
2. You got an attorney - good. Don't make any hasty decisions but good work on getting your ducks in a row.
3. Expose this to the OM's wife. Don't let your wife know you are doing this.
4. Don't allow your wife to end the A on her terms. she already contacted the OM and told him not to contact her again. Big whoop. It means nothing. My wife and her XOM did this and they kept up the A. No Contact = NC. It means she does not contact him ever again. Sending a letter of NC, or an email, or whatever may have some merit, but to me it means nothing unless the WS stops all contact period. They can write or say all they want, but do they mean it? 
5. You need to keep your evidence close to you. Don't reveal anymore to your wife. Let her tell you her story. Dates, times, places, who he is, what they talked about. If she refuses then you know she is not sincere.
6. I suspect right now she is sorry she got caught. Remorse is being transparent. Ask her to give you all the passwords to her accounts, ask her to list all of her accounts. If she is remorseful she will do so without much hesitation and will do so without deleting things.
7. If she says she had sex twice, she more than likely had sex more than that. YOU CAN'T BELIEVE HER RIGHT NOW.
8. Don't threaten her with D if you don't plan on following through with it. I believe you did the correct thing in letting her know you contacted an attorney and D is on the table. To me that is not a threat of D, but rather showing her your options.
9. Back off on saying I love you, I want the marriage to work, pleading, begging, or I am staying for the kids. Don't do this. Do the 180. DO THE 180. Let things cool down and see where she goes with all of this. Right now you confronted her with some evidence. 
10. What has she on her own brought to the table?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

mscotthall said:


> They say that 65% of couples experience this and 70% of those couples come out on the other end happier and stronger.


 The "they" that you are talking about are cheaters rationalizing their cheating with false statistics. It may make you feel better to say this, but it is not true, as studies from major universities do not support this. The numbers from real studies put the number that cheat at between 18% to 23%. As 70% coming out of it "happier and stronger", only 64% even stay married, with many just doing that just for the sake of their children, so you can forget about the "happier and stronger" bull. 

Do not make any decisions to D or R for a few months as you are not even sure that the affair is really over. Many cheaters are addicted to their affair partner and go back to them when things cool down and they see that their spouse forgave too easy.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

We need the circumstances to add to the great advice you already have recieved.

For example, who was the om, co worker, old friend, neighbor, etc. How close does he live? 

What did you use to catch her?

You need to see your md for temporary help.

If you go for individual counselin, and you should, the trauma associated with infidelity requires a good counselor versed in infidelity AND PTSD.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

appletree said:


> What do you want to achieve with exposing?
> She must end the affair not you! It is totally her work and you can ask her to do that work, if you want that.


Asking BS to end her affair is akin to asking a crackhead to stop using.
It seldom ever happens.
You can however "convince" the dealer to stop dealing to her.
Exposing to the OM's wife is almost always the correct motivation especially in this dynamic.
Men traditionally have more to lose in divorce.
Her OM will be highly motivated to throw her under the bus.
This has the added benefit of showing the WS that her lover isn't the wonderful loving "partner" she thought he was.
It destroys her illusions of what her affair really is.



> If she does not want to end the affair she is out of the marriage and you must end it. All exposing does not help.


They almost never want out of the affair.
You can however motivate her to want to end the afair.
Nothing is 100% foolproof but I can't recall many times exposing was the wrong thing to do and the few I can were unique situations.



> HOw can you build trust to someone you constantly supervise? If the wife is out of the marriage she will be distant and if you have any connection with her, you will realize that. You don't have to read her emails for that.


Trust is always built over time by observing that a you have no reason to withhold trust.
Over time a BS will tire of monitoring a WS when this happens it's because nothing has been discovered to inhibit trust.
It's a sign that trust is being re-established



> BTW tacoma, what is your track record? Were you able to turn things around or did you divorce?


To my knowledge there has been no infidelity in my marriage.
Prior to my marriage I was a serial cheater who had been cheated on in numerous relationships himself. 

I'm not a stranger to infidelity.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I would tell her that you also want a polygraph test. Yeah I know that she'll throw a fit, or not but what you need to know if what she told you was the truth. I would insist on it and st it up and let the chips fall where they may. 

You deserve to know the full truth and if she says it was a EA and then a PA and then only twice, then it should tell you that she's trying to minimize the affair.


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

tacoma said:


> You cannot reconcile without exposure.
> What you achieve by exposing to her lovers wife is the destruction of the affair.
> It's highly likely the OPs wife isn't done with her lover.
> His post describing her over the top actions is a huge red flag.
> ...


I am not one to talk. But I have to tell you if I had it all over to do again, I would have exposed the cheater last July when I first figured everything out. I would have returned from our family vacation and told my wife I want a divorce. 
The problem is I fought to save my marriage, I paid all sorts of money to coaches, on-line resources etc,. Most recently after she bolted I was mulling over that I should have ignored the affair and let it burn itself out.

That probably works, but only if your spouse never finds out you know. Once you know trying to do this Divorce Busting Stuff or you moving out does nothing. Worse is begging and pleading and attacking the OP.

I made up embellishments of my wife's POSOM. I over fed my wife love and attention.

Now I know had I stood firm and threatened to take everything away from her..I am almost positive I would have saved my marriage.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Tough Love Steve K. Sometimes, most times it is the only course to take.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

appletree said:


> I had a colleague who caught his wife cheating, he immediately divorced. He was the loneliest guy after that and got heart attacks.


Appletree

Send your friend to TAM. Have him start a thread on Life after Divorce.

Then spread the word on TAM. 

We would love to help him!

HM


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

appletree said:


> I had a colleague who caught his wife cheating, he immediately divorced. He was the loneliest guy after that and got heart attacks.


 Although that is the fear that keeps many men in a marraige with a cheater, that is (until the cheater leaves them) not the norm for men. In fact as men get older, it gets easier to find a partner not harder.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

TRy said:


> Although that is the fear that keeps many men in a marraige with a cheater, that is (until the cheater leaves them) not the norm for men. In fact as men get older, it gets easier to find a partner not harder.


True beyond belief. We just moved my 91 yo father into an independent living facility. First thing this old woman walks up to us and yells "IS HE SINGLE?" at us. :rofl:


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

appletree said:


> What do you want to achieve with exposing?
> She must end the affair not you! It is totally her work and you can ask her to do that work, if you want that. If she does not want to end the affair she is out of the marriage and you must end it. All exposing does not help.
> HOw can you build trust to someone you constantly supervise? If the wife is out of the marriage she will be distant and if you have any connection with her, you will realize that. You don't have to read her emails for that.
> I would not send her over to her mother, why shouldn't experience your anger? Living with her will tell you quickly weather or not she will turn around or not. You must have some hefty conversations/fights together weather you stay together or not, if she goes to her mother you can't fight with her.
> ...


You are very misguided and providing bad, bad advice.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

TheFlood117 said:


> Your wife cannot. CAN NOT. Never. Ever. Be on Face book or be alone with another male without your presence. Ever. This is an absolute must.


This is one of the many reasons cheating is a deal breaker for me. Who wants to live like you're a prison guard constantly monitoring your prisoner because you know they'll stab you if you aren't looking? No thanks.


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

TRy said:


> Although that is the fear that keeps many men in a marraige with a cheater, that is (until the cheater leaves them) not the norm for men. In fact as men get older, it gets easier to find a partner not harder.


You know I think about that often right now. Several years ago I really thought of leaving. But I stayed.

1) companionship
2) sex
3) someone to talk to
4) sex
5) someone I was proud to know and be with (career and looks )
6) sex
7) I was a glutton for punishment !
8) pornographic sex...that what it became towards the end just before the affair started.

Lesson I am learning, only stay if you are madly in love not if your codependent like I had become......even if you get lots of great sex...


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

TRy said:


> The "they" that you are talking about are cheaters rationalizing their cheating with false statistics. It may make you feel better to say this, but it is not true, as studies from major universities do not support this. The numbers from real studies put the number that cheat at between 18% to 23%. As 70% coming out of it "happier and stronger", only 64% even stay married, with many just doing that just for the sake of their children, so you can forget about the "happier and stronger" bull.
> 
> Do not make any decisions to D or R for a few months as you are not even sure that the affair is really over. Many cheaters are addicted to their affair partner and go back to them when things cool down and they see that their spouse forgave too easy.


Again read my threads
Stevek


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

SteveK said:


> You know I think about that often right now. Several years ago I really thought of leaving. But I stayed.
> 
> 1) companionship
> 2) sex
> ...


It would seem that you like sex Steve 

Are you sure the porn star sex didn't start for the first time in your marriage because she was already in an EA or PA?


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

TheFlood117 said:


> Your wife cannot. CAN NOT. Never. Ever. Be on Face book or *be alone with another male without your presence.* Ever. This is an absolute must.



:scratchhead: . Just out of curiosity.... what is the weather in Islamabad today?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

adriana said:


> :scratchhead: . Just out of curiosity.... what is the weather in Islamabad today?


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

mscotthall said:


> Hi Everyone.
> 
> On Friday night, (today is Tuesday) I found out that my wife was cheating on me. I had been suspecting it for a while. *She had grown cold and distant, saying things like she wasn't happy, sex had become just physical and she rarely showed any affection. So many times I'd ask for just a little sign of affection from her and it was met with sighs and eye rolling.* Finally, on Friday I attained proof of her affair.
> 
> ...


Dear mscotthall,

You are getting great advice but there is one aspect of your WW's infidelity that hasn't been touched on yet -- what went wrong in your marriage.

Please read the parts of your initial post that I've highlighted in *black* above. That describes how your WW came to see and feel about you. Then look at what I've highlighted in *red*. That is the reason. You treated your WW like a goddess, she got bored (her word) and sought excitement (again, her word) from someone new.

I don't know if your marriage can be saved or not but, if it can, you are going to have to change. If you want your WW (or any woman) in your life for the long haul, you have to be the kind of man that keeps her interest. You don't do this by showering her with "love, compliments and affection all the time." Rather, you give her affection in proportion to what she gives you while maintaining a degree of independence and indifference. In other words, you let her know that she has to keep you happy if she wants you to stick around.

I strongly advise you to read _"Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011"_ by Athol Kay (The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books). It's not a sex manual but rather a treatise on the type of behavior that attracts women and holds their interest.

Whether you and your WW reconcile or not, you need to learn how to treat a woman. Being her biggest fan and cheerleader all rolled up in one is not the way.

One other point: I don't know where you get your statistics but the proportion of marriages that are tainted by adultery and then fully recover is a lot less than 70%. While accurate numbers are hard to come by, from what I've read the percentage of couples who remain married after one of them is caught cheating is well below 50% and only a fraction of these end up "happier and stronger." So don't kid yourself, you and your WW have your work cut out for you if your going to keep your family intact and regain the happiness you once knew.

Good luck.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Have you both been tested for STD's?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Healer said:


> This is one of the many reasons cheating is a deal breaker for me. Who wants to live like you're a prison guard constantly monitoring your prisoner because you know they'll stab you if you aren't looking? No thanks.


It may seem like that in the beginning. But if you R, and your WS is willingly transparent, is doing everything they can to help you heal and fix the marriage (heavy lifting), comforts you through triggers, honestly answers questions about the affair, then trust is slowly rebuilt.

You see, after a while of not finding anything, and the WS is busting their ass to earn their shot at R, monitoring begins to get boring. You begin to check less and less, sometimes to the point of forgetting when you checked last. The hypervigilance begins to fade. As you heal, you begin to feel safe again. This is true of everyone in True R.

The catch is that many WSs refuse to do the heavy lifting and transparency, and only want to rugsweep. And thats when R fails, because it was never True R.

But there is nothing wrong if cheating, whether EA, PA, or both, is your deal breaker. We are all different.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Read your other thread.
1) HIGHLY unlikely it was just twice. IIRC She grew distant around Christmas? Figure 3-5x a month or so. Figure ~10 times.
2) YOUR MOTHER IN LAW AND BIL KNEW!!!! Just saying they would NEVER be welcome in my home.
3) DESTROY the OM if possible without getting her fired. (Alimony considerations) Did he screw her taking long lunches? Using company time to screw another mans wife is not well looked on.
4) Get ahold of OMW pronto. Fvck him up!


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Read your other thread.
> 1) HIGHLY unlikely it was just twice. IIRC She grew distant around Christmas? Figure 3-5x a month or so. Figure ~10 times.
> 2) YOUR MOTHER IN LAW AND BIL KNEW!!!! Just saying they would NEVER be welcome in my home.
> 3) DESTROY the OM if possible without getting her fired. (Alimony considerations) Did he screw her taking long lunches? Using company time to screw another mans wife is not well looked on.
> 4) Get ahold of OMW pronto. Fvck him up!


You should follow Weightlifter’s advice but I sense that you will be reluctant to do so. When you should have been taking your time to consider R or D you went immediately into R. You cherry picked reasons to R and just want to put all of this behind you as soon as possible.

Even if you are 100% into R please at least bluff and pretend to be hard to get. This will set the tone for your entire marriage. 

Do you want to be respected by your wife and in-laws? Do you want your wife to stay with you only because she sorry for hurting such a sweet passive guy and for the kids? Do you want only pity or duty sex forever? Do you want to be a man or a doormat for the rest of your life? 

You are a good stable guy. Your wife is a lying cheat. You are the prize, not her. Make her work for you. If you give someone a house they don’t respect it or take care of it. If they have to save for years for a down payment they are proud of it. 

I’m old enough to be your father and if you were my son I would slap some sense into you for your own good.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

scott, time will be the true test for this. If she is still remorseful, still working to make it up to you, still being 100% transparent 6 months from now, you may have a shot. If she reverts to 'you're being controlling,' well, then you'll know it was all fake and she is only looking out for herself. 

Give it to the end of the year.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

lordmayhem said:


> It may seem like that in the beginning. But if you R, and your WS is willingly transparent, is doing everything they can to help you heal and fix the marriage (heavy lifting), comforts you through triggers, honestly answers questions about the affair, then trust is slowly rebuilt.
> 
> You see, after a while of not finding anything, and the WS is busting their ass to earn their shot at R, monitoring begins to get boring. You begin to check less and less, sometimes to the point of forgetting when you checked last. The hypervigilance begins to fade. As you heal, you begin to feel safe again. This is true of everyone in True R.
> 
> ...


I won't go so far as to say "Once a cheater, always a cheater", but suffice it to say I'm not nearly as optimistic as you are. I'm sure there are truly remorseful WS out there in R who will never cheat again, but there are also plenty who will, and this has been proven right here on this forum.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Healer said:


> I won't go so far as to say "Once a cheater, always a cheater", but suffice it to say I'm not nearly as optimistic as you are. I'm sure there are truly remorseful WS out there in R who will never cheat again, but there are also plenty who will, and this has been proven right here on this forum.


:iagree:

I divorced my first wife because she cheated. With respect to what I said about R, some people can recover from an affair. One reason I'm in R right now is because it didn't make it to a PA because of distance and international boundaries. But that didn't stop them from planning on it, and that was hurtful enough. The other reason is she continues to bust her ass to earn that shot at R.

But I'm like you, if it had gone PA, then R would never have been on the table - no matter what she did or how remorseful she was. That is my deal breaker. That is something I simply cannot accept, and I refuse to go through the mind movies again.

Can she cheat again? Well, the line has been crossed, which makes it easier to cross the line in the future. But the consequences of doing so has been made very, very clear. Breakup of the family, financial devastation, and humiliation when I go nuclear with the exposure again. The mulligan has been used up. 

What I have seen in this forum and in real life, is that when a cheater cheats again, its usually because the BS rugswept the original affair, never laid out consequences or even attempted to lay out consequences. The BS was in shock and denial and begged the WS back into the marriage, so the WS never really learned anything. 

What I have also observed in this forum is that those who are in True R, have done the exact opposite, and there has yet to be an instance of repeated infidelity in those True R stories.....so far. Thats why you always see me tout the hard line approach, because the onus is on the WS to do the heavy lifting. The BS already has a hard enough time with working on themselves and forgiveness. You can always spot False R in these stories, because the WS is usually only faking remorse or a little while, and then reverts to their selfish, unremorseful ways and wants to rugsweep.

After being cheated on in two different marriages, I'm not optimistic, I'm realistic. Unremorseful WS? Kick them to the curb. 

R is not for everyone, and there is no right answer, because we're all different.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

TheFlood117 said:


> You are going about this all wrong if you even want a shot at reconciliation.
> 
> Your wife must face consequences first.
> 
> ...


I agree with Flood. I'll go so far to say you should divorce and after a reasonable time, start dating if its still in your blood. Divorce will give her (and you) opportunities to pursue ya'lls hearts desire and will wipe the slate clean. Like they, if you love something release it and if it returns, blah, blah. Besides Dawg, why would you want to keep a chick that's dreaming and seeking to be with someone else?


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> I agree with Flood. I'll go so far to say you should divorce and after a reasonable time, start dating if its still in your blood. Divorce will give her (and you) opportunities to pursue ya'lls hearts desire and will wipe the slate clean. Like they, if you love something release it and if it returns, blah, blah. Besides Dawg, *why would you want to keep a chick that's dreaming* and seeking to be with someone else?


I have the feeling that the OP is doing his own dreaming.

Dreaming that it was physical only twice -When it most pobably was more like 20 times.

Dreaming that when she said she would never cheat again - But with major the rug sweeping of this affair, it's almost a gaurantee that they'll be more(If you even catch her next time).

Dreaming about the future, when he's counting the moments until he sees her face again when he comes home from work. - Then while counting the moments, starts wondering... Wondering about where she is? Who's she with?... What is she doing right now?......

Then a song from the late, great, Everly Brothers starts playing in his mind. "All I Have To Do Is Dream".


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> I have the feeling that the OP is doing his own dreaming.
> 
> Dreaming that it was physical only twice -When it most pobably was more like 20 times.
> 
> ...


Sigh
Head meet sand.
I hope he comes out of the fog sooner rather than later.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Groundpounder dating himself with the Everly Bros reference 

OP- any update? Is your wife still in the hospital? Have you contacted other mans wife yet?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Groundpounder dating himself with the Everly Bros reference
> 
> OP- any update? Is your wife still in the hospital? Have you contacted other mans wife yet?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My Mom listened to them, I swear!


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