# My Wife Cheated And Left



## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Hey there. I imagine most of this will seem pretty familiar to the vast majority of you. 

On June 12 I got up to preach, as I am a pastor. My wife, whom I've been married to for five and a half years, and together for eleven, told me that she had a stomach ache, and she told me to go ahead without her, that she'd be right behind me. 

Julie never showed up for Church. I called her between class and service and got her voicemail. I went home after Church and her car, clothes, and toiletries were gone. She left a note. In the note she told me that at the end of 2009 she had an encounter with someone. She wouldn't tell me who it was, only that it was someone I didn't know. She said that it was quick in nature, but that she was afraid to tell me about it. She said she is gone, and she's not coming back. She said she wants a divorce, and gave me instructions on how to file online. 

Nobody knows where she is-- she didn't tell anyone. She said she's been planning this since the end of January. She took about $8000.00 with her, and some of my things are missing, such as my iPod, my old wedding ring (from the days when I was a bit chubbier), and most of all, precious trinkets from our dating days. She says she's out of state. I do not think that an uneducated girl who has never had a full time job, who has never lived as an independent, could pull this off by herself. I imagine someone is helping her. She says this all started because she was afraid I would hit her, but I'm not buying that. In the 11 years that we were together I never so much as pushed her. 

I love this woman more than anything in this world. I have no idea what to do. It's bad enough that she cheated on me, but she has sealed herself away, and I can't even talk to her to try and deal with the issue. I believe that divorce is the absolute last option to be exhausted, not the first. But I have no idea where she is. Her phone is off, and she only turns it on once every Sunday to text her mother to tell her she's safe. 

I really need help. My shrink says that I need to move on, that she's not coming back, and that she has emotional issues that were damaging the marriage anyway. I'm a caring, good-looking guy, and I can do better, and deserve better. 

But what people seem to be missing is that I don't want better. I want my wife. I love her. 

What am I supposed to do?


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

That's so cruel and abrupt. It must feel like she's died. I'm sorry you are going through it.

There's a book called the Journey from Abandonment to Healing that may help a little. Really, all you can do is focus on yourself and wait for her to contact you. If she doesn't want to be found then that is her choice and you can't do anything about it. 

The important thing right now is to take care of yourself. Exercise, diet, sleep, friends, community. Reach out to people you trust for support. 

In time some of the emotions will pass.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Does she have a relative from out of state? If she does then that would explain who offered her assistance as far as shelter.

What is interesting is that for a WW (wayward wife) she should take things that are related to you. The last thing a walk away wife does is take with her things that remind her of the marriage she left behind.

I do agree with your psychiatrist that you should start moving on with your life for there is the possibility that she may never come back. This doesn't necessarily mean that you go out this minute and hire a divorce attorney to start the divorce proceedings - only you know when you're ready to do this.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Wow..... Me personally, I would never file for divorce without hearing from her. It sounds like she expects you to do this all for her.

I agree that she probably has help, and I think she has run off with someone. The late 2009 story was probably just the begining of the story....and you did not get the middle or the end (I doubt it has ended).

I think it is very unfair that she has sealed herself away from you like this. I don't understand how you are supposed to handle the loss. Are you just supposed to pretend she died? But she hasn't.....

Is there a back story to all of this?


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

How do you know she really left you and what was written is true? Did you consider that something happened to her and the note was staged? Call the police and ask how long you need to wait to file a missing persons report (varies state to state). Once that time has been met, file it, and goes so far as to report your items stolen.

She may have left as the note suggested, but something just doesn't add up and I think you feel the same.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Who's paying the phone bill?

I don't buy it that her mom doesn't know where she is. And that story about a once a week text message to her doesn't fly with me.

Sure, she could be having a psychotic break (bad), run off with some guy (very bad), or have been abducted (extremely bad), but whatever it is, it is worth trying to find out what is going on.

At the very least you can insist on her mom texting her a message from you.

Even if the phone is turned off, when she turns it on the messages incoming to her get seen.

If her name is on any credit cards, you can track purchases. Might be a good idea though to cancel those and take her name off back accounts to protect assets.

While doing that, maybe you ought to hire a PI to find her.

My impression is that she has been with someone since 2009 and just couldn't hide it anymore or face you.

She has taken a coward's way out of your marriage.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Report her and the car stolen to the police. She will be entered into the national missing persons database and the car will be entered into the NCIC database. If she's pulled over for any reason, her car gets towed, etc, you will be immediately notified.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Close up your bank accounts, she just took $8k from you and abandoned you.

Protect yourself cause she does NOT have your best interest.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Julie has always had severe emotional issues. When she was 12, she discovered that her father (who is also a preacher) was having multiple affairs with numerous women, some of them from the church. She discovered this because her mother confided in her. I don't really have the ability to appreciate the impact this can have on a child because my childhood was great. But she never got any kind of counseling for this. 

The situation with her parents has left her emotionally cold in many aspects. She has trouble showing emotions, and definitely has trouble communicating. Even when we were dating, whenever she'd get upset, she'd shut down. She'd go home and destroy things, precious things. She has always been like this-- she recedes, and purges. 

I knew this going in. I love her, and was willing to deal with it. But I never thought that she would eventually leave me. 

This was her ultimate purge. She threw out our scrapbook that had 10 years' worth of memories. She either threw out or took all the plush toys I've given her over the years, except one-- the first one we ever had, a white bunny we named Button.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So what are you going to do?


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I agree on the missing person report, stolen car (if it is in your name, that shouldn't be a problem. If it's in hers, I don't know.), etc. Check the internet history on the computer. That may give some clues. Searches for a particular area, person, etc.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

I just heard from her mom. Apparently she's living with a couple with a few children, renting a room. She's in a training class for Yoga, I guess to be a Yoga instructor. She has reiterated that she has no intention of returning to me, and is upset with her mom for talking to me. 

As far as finances go, I made a new bank account the day she left. She took me off the credit card so it's in her name only. I refinanced the car, so it's in my name only as well. The car she took is in her name. 

I'm pretty angry right now. Eleven years in and I was still opening the door for her and singing her lullaby songs before bed. She took something precious, something beautiful and destroyed it.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

So she's gone and all of the last two years were a complete lie. The only thing left is paperwork and critical appointments.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

I am sorry for what you are going through. I guess things like this really do happen to everyone. I don't really know what to say to ease your pain because there honeslty is nothing anyone can say. So I'll say this pray, pray and pray some more. But not just that she comes back but that his will be done. When I started parying for that instead, For some reason things became just a tad bit clearer.
Again I am sorry that you have to endure the pain of betrayal an with such and added kicked in the gut makes it worse.
I wish you th best. Good luck. And there are ppl here that can make your walk through this time in your life less lonely.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> So she's gone and all of the last two years were a complete lie. The only thing left is paperwork and critical appointments.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

My precious Julie... why?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

WhiteMousse said:


> My precious Julie... why?


Because she is selfish and immature, that's why. She comitted domestic violence, yes destroying personal property is domestic violence and could have been arreste for it. She is a take, take, take, type of person, and would NEVER EVER be satisified. You could burn in hell for her and she wouldn't be satisfied. You even sing her lullaby songs at bedtime for goodness sakes. You treated her like a princess, and still that wasnt enough for her, and in the end she treated like a toad to be cast away. 

Something is broken within her and you cannot fix her, she needs professional help for that. This is truly your time of trial.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

So what the hell do I do? I blew eleven years on that girl. I'm 30, I haven't been on a first date in over a decade. What am I supposed to do with the memories? The presents we used to buy for each other? What am I supposed to do every time one of her hairs gets caught between my toes? I haven't even been able to throw her bathroom towel into the laundry for Christ's sake. 

She just gets to walk away, start a new life, and forget everything. I'm the one left with ghosts and broken promises.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

WhiteMousse said:


> So what the hell do I do? I blew eleven years on that girl. I'm 30, I haven't been on a first date in over a decade. What am I supposed to do with the memories? The presents we used to buy for each other? What am I supposed to do every time one of her hairs gets caught between my toes? I haven't even been able to throw her bathroom towel into the laundry for Christ's sake.
> 
> She just gets to walk away, start a new life, and forget everything. I'm the one left with ghosts and broken promises.


What do you do? You pick yourself up off the ground and dust yourself off. That's what you do. You will recover. You will be better. It hurts. All of us in the forum have been through this and survived. You will too. 

And you learn from this mistake. Putting your wife up on a pedestal and treating her like a spoiled princess doesn't work. All that does is make her lose respect for you. You are not alpha to her. Marriage is give and take, its not you just giving, giving, giving. Its a hard lesson and dearly paid for. FWIW, I did the same thing as you in my first marriage.

You're a pastor, so you know it will be the Lord to judge her.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Well, to start you try to stop thinking of yourself as a victim. It's not helpful and just keeps you in a place where things are done to you, and not in a place where you can control your own life, choices and happiness.

Second, you accept that you are going to hurt for sometime. Infidelity and abandonment are very difficult to cope with. But her choices are not your responsibility. So you accept that you are going to hurt, mourn and feel bad.

Third, you take steps to better understand yourself, your patterns, what you do to contribute to your own unhappiness. Start by reading the links in lordmayhem's post. 

Her decision to leave how she did is cruel. But to me it feels like your posts indicate co-dependency, and hint at a lot of the "nice guy" characteristics that are bad for you. This is your chance to really look at yourself and decide what is working for you and what is not.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Be thankful that you didn't have children with this disturbed person.

I'd like to advise you to get yourself tested for STDs since she's been unfaithful to you.

If you are only 30, count your blessings! 

You're living a good life and will have good prospects once you are fully rid of her.

Yes, it will take time to mourn what you thought you had with her.

Your wife has been living a lie for years. You have not.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

lordmayhem said:


> What do you do? You pick yourself up off the ground and dust yourself off. That's what you do. You will recover. You will be better. It hurts. All of us in the forum have been through this and survived. You will too.
> 
> And you learn from this mistake. Putting your wife up on a pedestal and treating her like a spoiled princess doesn't work. All that does is make her lose respect for you. You are not alpha to her. Marriage is give and take, its not you just giving, giving, giving. Its a hard lesson and dearly paid for. FWIW, I did the same thing as you in my first marriage.
> 
> You're a pastor, so you know it will be the Lord to judge her.


Quoted for truth.

You are still young and it looks like you are a victim of marrying too young. When women hit 30 something changes in them and many marriages fall apart at the time. 

Don’t pursue her. Odds are she’ll come snooping around once she realizes you are not stalking her like she expects. She thinks she can just walk away but after a couple of months of NC the negative feelings she has for the M will fade and she’ll start to miss it again. 

Also in 90% of these cases there’s going to be another man involved. Women don’t up and leave a marriage without having a backup in the wings. 

Right now just focus on you and what you want for yourself in the future. You don’t need a woman, remember that. When you are happy with yourself then everything will start going your way again.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> And you learn from this mistake. Putting your wife up on a pedestal and treating her like a spoiled princess doesn't work. All that does is make her lose respect for you. You are not alpha to her. Marriage is give and take, its not you just giving, giving, giving. Its a hard lesson and dearly paid for. FWIW, I did the same thing as you in my first marriage.


Me, too. You think you're being a great husband by doing so. It still sounds crazy to me, but lordmayhem is right on the money.

Sorry you are here. You can't blame yourself. Like someone else said, something is broke inside of her. Exercise helps lessen the pain somewhat.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

I'd want some answers, dude. At least that. 

You say she went to live with some couple somewhere? Sounds a bit fishy to me. Maybe they all got something going on... just saying.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

I can't begin to fathom the amount of pain and anguish you are going through, because my wife cheated but didn't leave me. I hope you don't lose your faith in Jesus over this. I think that may be exactly what the enemy wants you to do. You really aren't going through all of this alone. As a pastor, you above all, should know that when you weep, the Lord weeps. When you're broken, battered and bruised, his spirit comforts you. When you feel like you've had all you can stand can't go on, he carries you. All of the advice in the world won't heal your broken spirit and mine cries for your pain. Please turn to the Lord and lean on him for support. He loves you so much as to know the number of hairs on your head and collect your tears because they are so precious to him. 

As for your wife, I am going to agree with everyone else on here. You need to accept what has happened and begin to move on with your life. I know you are at a loss as to how to begin. First, you need to allow yourself time to grieve and not worry about jumping right into another relationship. You wouldn't be doing yourself any good or the person you would be with. In time the anguish will subside and you will know when it's truly time to start dating again. You will always love your wife. That will never change. She just doesn't seem to have the same love for you that you have for her. You will survive this and come out a stronger person in the end. 

If your wife should return to you, I would say to tread very carefully and set ground rules on her return. You don't want to end up in the same situation with her again. You need to be stern and not put her up on a pedestal any longer. She never belonged there in the first place. She needs to know that you are the head of your household and that you will not stand for her behavior any longer. If she truly believes that she is the way she is, because of her childhood, then she needs to get individual counseling. Basically, she needs to take ownership for her actions, show remorse and repentance to you, and do her hardest to show you that she loves you as much as you love her. The burden of the hard work will be on her because she is the one who transgressed here. If she's not willing to do all this and more, then you need to rethink taking her back. You need to make her aware of what it's going to take to heal you from this and hold her accountable for her actions.

I wish you the best of luck my good friend and will keep you in my prayers. May the Lord bless you and keep you.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

> You need to accept what has happened and begin to move on with your life.


Easier ssaid than done... this is 10 years, man. I was only with GF for 3, and I still have a hard time letting go- 10 [email protected] years. 

I don't think she's coming back, dude.

You posted on the infidelity forum... where's the proof of infidelity anyway? This sounds like abandonment to me. Unless, like I said earlier, she has something going with this couple, or the hubby alone.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Do you know for a fact that there was an OM? It's possible that she just told you that she had a (false) affair just to get away.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

F-102 said:


> Do you know for a fact that there was an OM? It's possible that she just told you that she had a (false) affair just to get away.


It's possible, but what does it matter? I have a signed letter stating that she did. If she came back and said she was lying about the infidelity, it puts me in the difficult position-- either she was lying then, or she's lying now. 

In either case, she's a liar.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

*from the book called "easier said than done"*

Hate to post a simple cliche type response but after reading alot of the same gobble-dee
**** prior (to mine) i have to tell ya yer worst enemy shall 
become your best friend......eventually.....& that is:










TIME...


go ahead, feel bad/sorry for
yourself. get angry. plan mayhem/mercy. u'll cover the whole
spectrum of emotions and rational & irrational thought. just dont turn them into words and actions (if u can pray hard
enuff to God when u hit yer knees, as u will hit yer knees
often, right WMouse?)

no easy answers. no easy solutions other than time. chances
are u'll see/deny u were such a boob in the 1st place after 
much time has passed, should no miracle transpire for u 2.

one poster was right to say, u are fortunate to be only 30,
if there is a silver lining for u to focus on. try imagining being
50 something and yer W has been sleeping all over town b4
she finally wigged out and split a 20+ yr marriage. (not me)

could be worse, much worse. dont get me started proving this
pt pls.

so, go ahead. go thru the phases. but dont stay put in them.
for life is short, and if u believe in God, HE's got yer back tho' 
u dont see it now. HE'll deliver something special for u once
u've learnt whatever lessons HE wants u to learn here, perhps
to be a better pastor in the long run. u'll see.

shalom is available to you. u should know this, and know how.

call out to our Father God. For HE is mighty!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Whether or not there was an OM is not the issue, and signed letters are worth the paper they are written on. The fact is, it sounds like she was unhappy for a long time, and just now found the gall to leave. I know that you are going through some intense pain right now, but hang in there-one day, you will live again.

I think of a song by Mumford and Sons:

"You are not alone in this,
You are not alone in this,
As brothers we will stand,
And we'll hold your hand...
...hold your hand."

Don't leave us-we won't leave you.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

At this point in time do nothing---just go on with your life, and see how it all plays out

If you really want a 2nd shot with her----don't file, just wait------If you want to move on with your life---then do so


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

thing i dont understand here is, well, many things actually. e.g., how didnt u see this coming? where is God in yer writings/posts here; as i dont see
or hear HIS wisdom, HIS oversight in anything much at all?

what was yer W's faith life like b4 & after she marr'd u?

u make no mention what kinda pastor or denom u come from?

u mention not, what counseling u've done with/for others in 
yer "church" NOR what yer plans are in this area.

i guess its yer pain thats covering up much of what i need to
know whats really going on inside u. if u/we can get past this
"phase" (soon) then i think u'll be on the mend, so to speak.

With El Elyon's mighty help, of course.


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## KNUTWILLIE (Jul 12, 2011)

OH come on
I would be all over this like stink on Crapola
A) Go to the mom's - call her, hassle her - find out where she is , be a cop and say " SHE HAS ( WHATEVER ) "
get the info
B) Get the info you need and call your wife, your wife stole $8000 ? she cant just boogie with your cash if you dont dig it .. - your story doesnt add up all the way 
start stirrin the pot


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Any update on this story?


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Hey guys. 

It's been a long time. What you guys said was right. Things hurt like hell but I am healing. The divorce will be final this month. As for Julie, she ended up running off to Sedona, Arizona for about a half year. Early this year she moved to Broomfield, CO, and she's actually going to be moving again before the end of this year. I don't know exactly what her gameplan is, but it's clear that she doesn't want me to be a part of it. 

The good news is that everyone wants me. I got propositioned by five beautiful girls in the past four months, three of whom were nine years younger than me. I politely explained to them that they were of a different generation than I, and that I'm not ready to be in a relationship quite yet, but I have to admit, it was unbelievably flattering. 

The better news is that life is improving. I'm getting out of preaching, and I'm going to go back to school and work on my Master's. I'm moving away from PA and I'm going to be among friends. There are moments, tender moments when I remember my precious Julie and miss her terribly. But I realize that this truly was her fault, not mine. I had to deal with the immediate consequences- the empty apartment, the memories of all the walks we had together, the stores we went to, the plush toys I bought her and the shows we watched together. But the long term consequences; the responsibility for the murder of a sacred covenant, and the eternal consequences of openly mocking a commandment of God, are hers. 

I want to thank all of you for the support you gave me. Know that it did not go unnoticed, and it will never be forgotten. I have had the support of literally thousands of good people and preachers from all over this country. People who love me. And I love them. 

And I love her. But she knows only how to love herself. Maybe God will help her with that. 

Thanks, guys.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

I'd have her arrested for stealing the eight grand. Since the two of you are married, half of that money is yours.
She will understand this since with cheaters staying with the H is all about the money.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

WhiteMousse said:


> Hey guys.
> 
> It's been a long time. What you guys said was right. Things hurt like hell but I am healing. The divorce will be final this month. As for Julie, she ended up running off to Sedona, Arizona for about a half year. Early this year she moved to Broomfield, CO, and she's actually going to be moving again before the end of this year. I don't know exactly what her gameplan is, but it's clear that she doesn't want me to be a part of it.
> 
> ...


Glad you came back from almost a year ago. I remember your story now, and it looks like you're on the road to recovery from the devastation. Hopefully, you can stay here for a while and help others who are going through the same pain.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> Hey guys.
> 
> I got propositioned by five beautiful girls in the past four months, three of whom were nine years younger than me. I politely explained to them that they were of a different generation than I, and that I'm not ready to be in a relationship quite yet, but I have to admit, it was unbelievably flattering. .


Don't be an idiot writing off the younger chicks. Just make sure they're at least 24-25. I'm more than twice your age and my wife is nine years younger than me. (my trophy wife) So I highly recommend it. As bad as it sounds, I'd rather have an arm piece that looks younger and better than me. What kills me are these younger guy marrying these old cougars. Its great when you are in your thirties and they are in their forties. But when your in your mid fifties, do you want to be bedding a seventy year old? When I was 50 I was looking forward to a 40 year mate, if you know what I mean.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Fvstringpicker said:


> Don't be an idiot writing off the younger chicks. Just make sure they're at least 24-25. I'm more than twice your age and my wife is nine years younger than me. (my trophy wife) So I highly recommend it. As bad as it sounds, I'd rather have an arm piece that looks younger and better than me. What kills me are these younger guy marrying these old cougars. Its great when you are in your thirties and they are in their forties. But when your in your mid fifties, do you want to be bedding a seventy year old? When I was 50 I was looking forward to a 40 year mate, if you know what I mean.


They were 19-20, brah.


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## vickyyy (Oct 28, 2011)

Fvstringpicker said:


> Don't be an idiot writing off the younger chicks. Just make sure they're at least 24-25. I'm more than twice your age and my wife is nine years younger than me. (my trophy wife) So I highly recommend it. As bad as it sounds, I'd rather have an arm piece that looks younger and better than me. What kills me are these younger guy marrying these old cougars. Its great when you are in your thirties and they are in their forties. But when your in your mid fifties, do you want to be bedding a seventy year old? When I was 50 I was looking forward to a 40 year mate, if you know what I mean.



I am 25 yr old.now i am gonna look for 15 yr old chick.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Great update WhiteMousse.

I can see why you'd be flattered by the attention of the 19-20 year old girls but keep in mind that most of them are as immature as your stbxw and therefore not a good group to even consider a committed relationship with.



WhiteMousse said:


> But she knows only how to love herself. Maybe God will help her with that.


I beg to differ. A person who truly loves him/herself would not betray their spouse. The greatest betrayal a cheating spouse commits is the one to him/herself.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Did you find any motivation to why she did what she did?


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Did you find any motivation to why she did what she did?


I would imagine that it's really an ultimate form of escape. She says she just wasn't happy with me, but I think a better way to diagnose the issue is to say she can't be happy. At least, not in her current state. 

She's dabbling in Buddhism right now, which I find simultaneously discouraging and annoying, but she is going to have to sift through the pods before she realizes the magnitude of her error. At the end of the day, she's a troubled person who has a tendency to simply purge and recede whenever she feels threatened, insecure or inadequate.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

WhiteMousse said:


> They were 19-20, brah.


lol didn't know preachers spoke like this :lol:


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

WhiteMousse said:


> I would imagine that it's really an ultimate form of escape. She says she just wasn't happy with me, but I think a better way to diagnose the issue is to say she can't be happy. At least, not in her current state.
> 
> She's dabbling in Buddhism right now, which I find simultaneously discouraging and annoying, but she is going to have to sift through the pods before she realizes the magnitude of her error. At the end of the day, she's a troubled person who has a tendency to simply purge and recede whenever she feels threatened, insecure or inadequate.


The fact that she's now dabbling in Buddhism screams of Cookoo to me. That has nothing to do with the religion and everything to do with the extreme's she's exhibiting in her life. Picking up and just leaving..stealing your money. Moving multiple times from state to state. Converting religions yikes.

You may have dodged a bullet.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I am a former chaplain and pastor. You did good under the circumstances and it is great when we have a good network of like minded folks out there. I have basically gave up my ordination this year (I have yet to renew it) because of my wife's A and the way I handled it. Sometimes it is best to move on from ministry.


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## MrArachnid (May 3, 2012)

sexuallyfustrated said:


> I am sorry for what you are going through. I guess things like this really do happen to everyone. I don't really know what to say to ease your pain because there honeslty is nothing anyone can say. So I'll say this pray, pray and pray some more. But not just that she comes back but that his will be done. When I started parying for that instead, For some reason things became just a tad bit clearer.
> Again I am sorry that you have to endure the pain of betrayal an with such and added kicked in the gut makes it worse.
> I wish you th best. Good luck. And there are ppl here that can make your walk through this time in your life less lonely.


:smthumbup:


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## MrArachnid (May 3, 2012)

I am incredibly sorry for what happened. My ex wife had an affair with a good friend and when I found out what happened (she didn't tell me)...I blew a gasket and she left. We have a son together so I have to stay in communication....and I hate to have to be in communication. Are there children involved? It is harder to have someone walk away, unremorseful, and then have to deal with them over and over. In time, it is not painful but it is annoying. 

Recently I had a mirrored event with my new wife but we are trying to work through this...she has been remorseful and is doing her part to help fix things.

I hope you can get past this and understand that while you will want to blame yourself, and I still do from time to time, you will learn that she made a decision based on selfishness and spite and that it is not your fault.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

I'm so glad that you're doing well moving on w/ your life. You know, your wife really doesn't love herself. Her continued moving says that she is unsatisfied. But she's going to take that baggage with her wherever she goes. By the way, I'm a Christian, who has read Buddhist teachings. I think it's helped me understand Jesus in a different light. Peace to you.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

river rat said:


> I'm so glad that you're doing well moving on w/ your life. You know, your wife really doesn't love herself. Her continued moving says that she is unsatisfied. But she's going to take that baggage with her wherever she goes. By the way, I'm a Christian, who has read Buddhist teachings. I think it's helped me understand Jesus in a different light. Peace to you.


My thanks to you, friend. Maybe some light Buddhist teachings can help her, but I fear that it is much more likely that she is hoping to find some sort of validation for her behavior in them. Part of the reason she ran away, I believe, is because she knows that she has brought much shame upon herself, even more so than she has brought upon me. 

I will concede that sometimes I wish she would just swallow her pride and come back, but I believe that she is never going to mature that much until very late in life. 

One of the things that I am reluctant to admit is that I still love her dearly. I believe I always will. The affection, passion, and sheer zealotry I have for that woman refuses to diminish. The difference is that I am able to put away the impulse to pine for her. I simply won't do it- she either changed, or was never the woman I loved to begin with. 

I must disagree with you on one thing, though- I believe she loves herself, and only herself. Many people will sometimes ask "How can someone love themselves and still do something like this?" I liken it to asking the question "How could a woman love herself if she has an abortion on a whim?" I think rather the problem is far too much self-love, not too little. 

There's no question about how I feel however. I do love her, and always will. Nevertheless, I put her up on Cheaterville today.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> I am a former chaplain and pastor. You did good under the circumstances and it is great when we have a good network of like minded folks out there. I have basically gave up my ordination this year (I have yet to renew it) because of my wife's A and the way I handled it. Sometimes it is best to move on from ministry.


You, WhiteMousse, and marksaysay are the three ministers here on TAM that have been devastated by infidelity. It's tragic.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

vickyyy said:


> I am 25 yr old.now i am gonna look for 15 yr old chick.


Take it from much older and hopefully wiser bastard. Date lots of women, marry late in life, and get you a woman, that after five-six years, still thinks you hung the moon and the in the missionary position you can still make her have multiples.


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## vickyyy (Oct 28, 2011)

Fvstringpicker said:


> Take it from much older and hopefully wiser bastard. Date lots of women, marry late in life, and get you a woman, that after five-six years, still thinks you hung the moon and the in the missionary position you can still make her have multiples.



I like teen gals with bigg boobies.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

When you say teen, I hope you mean 18-19. (you being 25 and all ) I've got a 20 year old grandson. ) And don't get into a serious relationship with a baby less than 25. You ain't been around long enough to have any no sense so you know a 18 y/o ain't gonna have no sense either.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> My precious Julie... why?


I'll bet that 18 and 19 year old would have you saying, " Julie---why? Why did you wait so long go" 

Just out of curiosity, how old are you Preacher?


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Fvstringpicker said:


> I'll bet that 18 and 19 year old would have you saying, " Julie---why? Why did you wait so long go"
> 
> Just out of curiosity, how old are you Preacher?


I'm 31.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> My thanks to you, friend. Maybe some light Buddhist teachings can help her, but I fear that it is much more likely that she is hoping to find some sort of validation for her behavior in them. Part of the reason she ran away, I believe, is because she knows that she has brought much shame upon herself, even more so than she has brought upon me.
> 
> I will concede that sometimes I wish she would just swallow her pride and come back, but I believe that she is never going to mature that much until very late in life.
> 
> ...


I fear that you have an unhealthy attachment to this woman. In traditional Christian terms, perhaps a "false idol?" This can take so many forms for so many things. I hope for you that your fondness for her will become centered on the good memories that you have of the two of you together. In my experience, people who continue to harm themselves do not suffer from self love, but from self hate. She is an unfortunate person, and one you should avoid.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

river rat said:


> I fear that you have an unhealthy attachment to this woman. In traditional Christian terms, perhaps a "false idol?" This can take so many forms for so many things. I hope for you that your fondness for her will become centered on the good memories that you have of the two of you together. In my experience, people who continue to harm themselves do not suffer from self love, but from self hate. She is an unfortunate person, and one you should avoid.


I think you're absolutely right. I've had numerous people tell me that God took her away from me for my own benefit, because A) She was damaged, and did not know how to be a good wife, and B) because she was my everything. I loved her more than anyone or anything, including God. 

Idolatry is a very accurate way to describe my love for her. The good news is that I really am moving past her; this week was tough because it was the one-year anniversary of her departure. 
The things I truly wrestle with now are how to process- why did she really leave? Was she a bad wife, or was I a bad husband? Did she turn evil or was she always such, just with an excellent guise? Was she unhappy because of me, or because of her? I can hypothesize but unless she's willing to talk and especially get counseling (which she's not), there's no way to decipher these things. 
Everything is called into question for me. Was I a bad lover? Was I just bad-tempered? Did I not praise her enough? Did I not challenge her enough? I am a bit haunted, but the vast majority of these hauntings are musings, questions about my own personality, not hers. I don't know what she takes away from this experience, but I am engaging in some deep, deep introspection.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

WhiteMouse, when I was trying to work my way through the depression following my wife's affair, I saw a counselor, who by the way, was an evangelical minister in his former life; he asked me to read Ecclesiastes. In a subsequent session, he said to me, "The real question asked in Ecclesiastes is, Can you live with the uncertainty?" If you can get your mind around that one, you'll be a long way down the road to healing.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

river rat said:


> WhiteMouse, when I was trying to work my way through the depression following my wife's affair, I saw a counselor, who by the way, was an evangelical minister in his former life; he asked me to read Ecclesiastes. In a subsequent session, he said to me, "The real question asked in Ecclesiastes is, Can you live with the uncertainty?" If you can get your mind around that one, you'll be a long way down the road to healing.


You're right. That is the question. And the answer is given at the end: Fear God and keep His commandments, because that is the whole of mankind. 

And I will.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

God didn't take her away from you.

She did that. Why? She probably doesn't even know herself.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Just think of it this way, WM.

One day, when she's about 50-60, after a revolving-door parade of losers, drug addicts, weird whacked-out cult types (one that will surely steal HER money) in and out of her life, she will hear someone relate to the wonderful husband and family that they have, and then she will go home and say to herself:

"I had a good husband once..."

And only the walls and her 50 smelly cats will hear her.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

F-102 said:


> Just think of it this way, WM.
> 
> One day, when she's about 50-60, after a revolving-door parade of losers, drug addicts, weird whacked-out cult types (one that will surely steal HER money) in and out of her life, she will hear someone relate to the wonderful husband and family that they have, and then she will go home and say to herself:
> 
> ...


I like to think that you're right. Everyone in my life seems to unanimously agree that this is her fault and not mine. 

I caution myself during moments like these-- it is very easy for me to simply say "She cheated then lied, then left." But I am taking this time to meticulously evaluate myself, to see *why* she cheated in the first place. From the time she cheated to the time she left was a year and a half. But we were having some problems during the time of her one night stand or whatever the hell it was. 

My question is this... was the infidelity a knee jerk reaction to some of the issues we were dealing with? I honestly felt like for most of the first four years we were just rock solid. And our 5.5 previous dating years were incredible too. 

But she has become so cold, and she said that "something died." So the question remains-- is that her fault or mine? I can be a real **** sometimes. I'm good at debating, and she's not very good at expressing herself. Our interactions could be frustrating for her whenever we had arguments. 

My perspective on the matter is this: there are times when people have the worst brought out of them. Spouses are usually the only ones who see that. But whatever Julie went through, I went through as well. We went through the same ****. But she's the one who gave up. I figure this: I still loved her even though there were times when she made me want to scream (refusal or inability to communicate, saying things were fine when I knew something was bothering her). I loved her so much. She's the one who gave up, not me. 

I hope my hypothesis is a sound one. 

The part that pisses me off is that I know that if she's talking to some shrink he's not going to help her see the err of her way. He's going to try to help her do what's best from this point on. But if she doesn't learn from what she's done, A) she's not really being helped, and B) she will carry her problems into whatever relationship she has in the future. 

I... just want to be able to look back and say in good confidence that I was a good husband. But I don't want to say it if it's not true.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/48707-why-did-our-spouses-not-simply-divorce-us.html


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Seeing how you are a man of faith, then pray to God to give the two of you his peace, wisdom and forgiveness to move on with your lives.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

morituri said:


> Seeing how you are a man of faith, then pray to God to give the two of you his peace, wisdom and forgiveness to move on with your lives.


She evidently found her peace long ago. I have been slowly coming to mine.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

I would like to ask everyone who has observed these things... 

Should I ever expect a knock at the door in a year or five?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

There was an episode of Star Trek Voyager. in which an entity was messing with the minds of all the crew members, giving them hallucinations and destroying them.

In the last minutes of the episode Captain Jainway asked the entity why it was doing such a cruel thing?

The answer?: "Because I can!"

So... why do they cheat? Because they can.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> She evidently found her peace long ago. I have been slowly coming to mine.


Ya think she did? Maybe, maybe not.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> I would like to ask everyone who has observed these things...
> 
> Should I ever expect a knock at the door in a year or five?


Well, maybe. The first real long-term relationship I had lasted for three years. Until she left me for a woman.

I felt hurt, betrayed and didn't date for a long time, maybe 8 years, I think.

About 5 years after she dumped me, she tried to get back with me. I thought seriously about it, then realised I would always be frightened that she would be quite capable of doing the same thing again, so I politely declined the offer.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Ya think she did? Maybe, maybe not.


I don't know. Everyone has told me that she has no peace, that she is running from place to place... that she left not just me, but all our friends, family. 

I would say in a world that makes sense she would not be happy in her current state. Of course in a world that makes sense she wouldn't have left to begin with. I loved her and cherished her. 

I hope you're right. Not because I want her to be in pain, but because I want her to come to terms with what has happened. I feel like she is really just ignoring our life. 11 years, that's over 1/3 of our entire lives... I don't know how you just throw that away without a second to consider what the other spouse has to say.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Sounds to me like she is trying to run from shame. She probably vowed to never cheat like her father, when she did, she simply cannot cope with the shame.
This would explain the running away, the 'you file for divorce' note. Perhaps you should consider writing her a letter Whitemouse & seeing if her parents will forward it on. It is best for both of you to get to the bottom of this, even if reconcilliation never occurs.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Bellavista said:


> Sounds to me like she is trying to run from shame. She probably vowed to never cheat like her father, when she did, she simply cannot cope with the shame.
> This would explain the running away, the 'you file for divorce' note. Perhaps you should consider writing her a letter Whitemouse & seeing if her parents will forward it on. It is best for both of you to get to the bottom of this, even if reconcilliation never occurs.


Tell me what you think... here's one of the letters she wrote to me back in September '11:

_I don't want you to worry about giving me any IRA funds...you made the money that went into it, and it's completely in your name. Your best option is to keep the account active and keep adding to it for yourself. My old phone has been thrown away...don't worry about paying for minutes. Your not filing doesn't make me upset...if you don't I will but I simply can't afford it right now. Uncontested divorces don't cost much, so if you do have the funds, you are welcome to go ahead and file. Yes, I really did commit adultery. Everything I said in the letter about myself was true. I'm not interested in keeping the marriage alive, as much as it must hurt for you to read it, I have to say it. Please grow from this in God's Love.
Julie_

And again when I asked her why she's going to sell that $4000.00 ring for $1000.00. 

_Jay, I am selling the ring because it is worth more to me as monetary value, not something to be kept in a box and pined over. I am a being of light and one day I will leave the ring behind. It is metal and stone from the earth, and it is of greater use to me as financial support. It's not about erasing you...the memories are still there. If I became senile one day and lost the memories, I'd also wonder where I got the ring so it's all the same to me. Don't be frightened by my decline of your financial assistance; I merely don't want to take advantage of you in any way, and because I care, I want you to save up money for yourself. Yes, I understand the scriptures on divorce, and I am not in a relationship with anyone. I did not leave you with intentions of starting a relationship with anyone. I still believe in the Bible, still love God and Jesus and all the souls in Heaven. I do not love you in a way that a wife should love her husband. I love you as a being of light as I myself and all other souls are. I asked that we speak in messages instead of phone calls because that is just what I'm comfortable with right now and you accepted that. Hopefully this message will carry what you need to know, that I am not interested in keeping the marriage alive as I stated in my last message. 
Growing in God,
Julie_

It's disgustingly detached, and emotionless.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> Tell me what you think... here's one of the letters she wrote to me back in September '11:
> 
> _I don't want you to worry about giving me any IRA funds...you made the money that went into it, and it's completely in your name. Your best option is to keep the account active and keep adding to it for yourself. My old phone has been thrown away...don't worry about paying for minutes. Your not filing doesn't make me upset...if you don't I will but I simply can't afford it right now. Uncontested divorces don't cost much, so if you do have the funds, you are welcome to go ahead and file. Yes, I really did commit adultery. Everything I said in the letter about myself was true. I'm not interested in keeping the marriage alive, as much as it must hurt for you to read it, I have to say it. Please grow from this in God's Love.
> Julie_
> ...


"It's disgustingly detached, and emotionless." Actually, it is utterly mad. Completely bonkers! To me they are the words of someone suffering from some kind of psychotic impairment, for want of a better word.

_Growing in God? A being of light? She loves all the souls in Heaven?_ Huh??  :wtf:


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> "It's disgustingly detached, and emotionless." Actually, it is utterly mad. Completely bonkers! To me they are the words of someone suffering from some kind of psychotic impairment, for want of a better word.
> 
> _Growing in God? A being of light? She loves all the souls in Heaven?_ Huh??  :wtf:


Right? I thought I was going insane. I looked at it and thought she had utterly lost her mind, but I considered that the trauma of what was going on was perhaps coloring my perception of things. I'm glad someone else sees it as bizarre.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I was reading something in "Anatomy of the Spirit" the other day in which a wife had an affair and then left a marriage. It was because she wanted to learn how to be indpendent and given that she was married could not figure out any other way to do it. That was all she knew, so she played that card because it was easier for her than telling her husband she wanted to be indpendent. The marriage did end, but honestly, you refer to her as uneducated and incompetent. How the heck were you married all that time and kept your wife as a baby doll and didn't make sure she had the opportunity to learn to be an adult? It's not your repsonsibility as a husband, but it might have been as a friend. There is such a thing as loving someone to death. Sounds like she didn't want to be dead, but couldn't figure out how to be alive in the marriage. Sure, she could have talked to you or sought therapy, but she's uneducated, and incompetent, so it's not as though she would think of doing that. And you're a pastor, so who knows how that would have gone over had she suggested it, maybe in your neck of the woods a pastor's wife has certain duties that are all-consuming of the wife's time and energies. :-( I would say to let her go. Try to find someone to have a marriage with who will be your equal and not feel smothered and need to escape, someone with some backbone they can stand in place with. Sounds like your wife is just off on an adventure. I think $8K will be enough. She will figure it out, just like most 18 year olds can figure it out, why so little confidence in her?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

WhiteMousse said:


> Tell me what you think... here's one of the letters she wrote to me back in September '11:
> 
> _I don't want you to worry about giving me any IRA funds...you made the money that went into it, and it's completely in your name. Your best option is to keep the account active and keep adding to it for yourself. My old phone has been thrown away...don't worry about paying for minutes. Your not filing doesn't make me upset...if you don't I will but I simply can't afford it right now. Uncontested divorces don't cost much, so if you do have the funds, you are welcome to go ahead and file. Yes, I really did commit adultery. Everything I said in the letter about myself was true. I'm not interested in keeping the marriage alive, as much as it must hurt for you to read it, I have to say it. Please grow from this in God's Love.
> Julie_
> ...


It sounds sane to me. She's being completely responsible for looking after herself, and is honoring her feelings. Her semantics are clear, and yes, unemotional when it comes to you and the marriage, she has made up her mind. Obviously she means what she says and she is on her own path. If you want a real marriage, find someone who can participate. She can't. And she won't. She obviously has to do what she has to do.
She needs to be her own person, her own adult, and find her place in the world.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

WhiteMousse said:


> I've had numerous people tell me that God took her away from me for my own benefit, because A) She was damaged, and did not know how to be a good wife, and B) because she was my everything. I loved her more than anyone or anything, including God.


I've had the same thoughts about my boyfriend who is now removed from me by his sister after his brain hemorrhage. Unhealthy attachment to damaged person interfering with my spiritual development. Once I accepted the situation for what it was, realistically, my spiritual growth went forward with leaps and bounds. I'm not sure, in the end, that I wouldn't have had it any other way. Worldly attachments were really not my goal. In a way, it's a relief to have learned the lesson of change being constant and uncontrollable, and thinking that the outcome I have in my head is so much better and rational than what the Divine has in mind for me instead. I've really buckled down to being in the present, and more accepting of stuff that happens, even when it doesn't make sense to me, ESPECIALLY when it doesn't make sense to me. It reminds me that it makes sense, if I am following on my path, just that I can't see it, and have to trust it.

Still, it's not nice when people tell you those things. It's better if you can come to the realization on your own, and be more accepting of it.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Homemaker, I have to disagree. She is looking out for herself, and she is indeed honoring her own feelings, but that is it. She is not being responsible in any way. 

How is she responsible in lying to me for a year and a half when I confront her on her dwindling commitment? How is she being responsible when she lives off of me for six months so she can save up enough money to leave me? How is she being responsible when she lies in hundreds of little ways to keep me from perceiving reality? Where is the responsibility in faking a stomach ache, waiting for me to go to church and then leaving while I'm away? 

How is she in any way responsible? Where is the responsibility? Where is the accountability? 

I'm not trying to be offensive to you, but everything you say is debased right there. I would not accept your words as valid or even rational.

*EDIT:* I may be wrong but I don't recall referring to her as incompetent. Please represent me faithfully. And when I say uneducated I don't mean stupid. I mean literally uneducated; she dropped out of college. I don't mean to say she's not smart, because she is. There's no excuse for not coming to me or agreeing to go with me to therapy. She's uneducated, not retarded.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

WhiteMousse said:


> Homemaker, I have to disagree. She is looking out for herself, and she is indeed honoring her own feelings, but that is it. She is not being responsible in any way.
> 
> How is she responsible in lying to me for a year and a half when I confront her on her dwindling commitment? How is she being responsible when she lives off of me for six months so she can save up enough money to leave me? How is she being responsible when she lies in hundreds of little ways to keep me from perceiving reality? Where is the responsibility in faking a stomach ache, waiting for me to go to church and then leaving while I'm away?
> 
> ...


She does sound messed up, but it also sounds like she wants to try to fix her life on her own and not also mess yours up. Many people who feel messed up do not want to drag others down with them, while at the same time, they want to know absolutely sure that they can fix things on their own and stand on their own feet. That may explain why she doesn't want a lot of money. Perhaps she will go back to college. I only graduated the first time because I was military and it was my job and more fun than being enlisted and working 12 hour days 6 days a week at a short-staffed medical clinic. 

I refused to date guys who were normal and well balanced, one of them asked me why and I was honest, I didn't want to mess up his life. He was sad but he accepted my assessment of where I was in my life. I was sad but I did the right thing. I adored my friend but could not become involved with him for his own good. I had another friend like that in university. And another friend like that before I joined the military. 

It sounds like your wife was doing what she could do given who she is and what her history is or was. Many people fight against biologically based mental illnesses and do not feel okay being taken care of by someone else. It adds to a feeling of loss of self esteem. They really need to know they can succeed on their own, and success means something different to them than it might to their spouse. 

It doesn't make things right, in terms of outcome you might have desired, the story you can see in your mind of how it might have all played out if only she was rational, if only she had discussed things with you, if only she would put marriage first like you do. It's painful and causes suffering when something like this happens to our dreams and what we call our reality. Sometimes love for someone is not enough, they need to be able to feel a Divine love, and if all they can feel is an earthly love, they might seek to get out from under it in order to have a spiritual awakening. I think it is every person's path to become spiritually connected with a greater consciousness, over and above being connected with a spouse. This also applies to deranged women. Think of her as having left on a spiritual walk. Whatever it looks like to you, try to withhold judgement and have some trust in your faith. 

That has basically been the theme of my entire spring. Having a seemingly deranged person take control over the entire basis of my life at the time. The suffering and frustration led to a greater understanding of respect and admiration and faith in God's greater plan for each individual. It certainly goes against the tenets of a particular church, but remember that the Divine existed before organized religion and even marriage.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> It sounds like your wife was doing what she could do given who she is and what her history is or was. Many people fight against biologically based mental illnesses and do not feel okay being taken care of by someone else. It adds to a feeling of loss of self esteem. They really need to know they can succeed on their own, and success means something different to them than it might to their spouse.


Thanks for your thoughts, they mean a lot to me. 

I see this as at least one likely motive for her, and one that I had not considered. 

My question about all that is this-- how, *how* can anyone think that they can have a healthy spiritual journey through life when the foundation of that journey is the ashes of the marriage they were once sworn to be a part of? 

How can anyone start a new journey with God when they are openly mocking His covenant? 

How can someone find "inner peace" when the price of her new-found freedom is the tears, agony and misery of those who love her most? 

You seem to be a person who approximates, or at least can understand, some of her new nuances of religion. Do you think she will find peace? Or will her past erode her new utopia?


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