# I have no idea what to do...help!



## bo0 (Dec 12, 2008)

Okay I'm going to say the full story, please be honest and serious. 

So I have been married for 2 years. We have had our ups and downs of course like all marriages. Recently he tapped into my emails and myspace and saw I was talking to an old friend I used to work with. Me and him were just playing back and forth with eachother about seeing eachother and calling eachother boyfriend and girlfriend. I was not serious this guy knows I'm married and everything. Anyway my husband seen it the same night we were in a fight so I stayed the night somewhere else. He didn't see it until 5 o'clock the next morning so when he saw it and didn't know where I was he automatically assumed I was staying somewhere with that guy. Which I was at his cousins house the whole time. One thing led to the next and so on, but now that we have talked about it and everything it has been about a month and we moved into a new place and everything. Mind you I did own up to everything and took total blame. I told him if he cannot forgive me I will leave..he told me he did not want me to let him go and he wasnts to try. It has been 2 times already that we have been perfectly fine and then he would just flip and start asking questions about it and picking fights. So he did that last night and he kept asking you know how did I get his number and his myspace and all that and I would tell him. Of Course he would say I'm lying because its not what he wants to hear. So anyways at the end of that little conversation last night he says bring me my car between jobs. (I work two jobs I get off one at 5 and go to the next at 6) And I'm like okay... for what and he says I'm going to go see my girlfriend. And I just walk away. So this morning on my way to work we are on the phone and we're just talking like normal and then he says so are you gonna bring me my car or do I have to come get it( we share a car) and I said U might have to meet me somewhere I might not have enough time to go all the way home, and we kinda start arguing about that. And then I say what is it that you need to do that is so important and he says I told you I am going to go see somebody. And I'm like who... he says my girlfriend. And I'm just like... naw because I know how he says things to hurt me when he feels hurt. So I go WTF if u have a girlfriend why do you still have me here you need to tell me whats up so I can go. Then he goes well shes not my girlfriend. Then I say she is obviously somebody because you grew the balls to say that to me. Then he says she is just a girl and I say that u like... and he says no not really. And I'm just thinking this has to be something to hurt me. Then he says well what do you expect me to do, you think i'm going to let you talk to guys and get away with it.. So I hang up on him. That was a little over an hour ago. He just texted me and asked if I was going to drop his car off to him. I didn't say anything back.
I don't know what the freak to do. He is impossible to talk to.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Here's my honest opinion....

To you, with this old friend it was playing back and forth, not serious so no harm done.

When your husband read those emails, he took them at face value and probably felt destroyed thinking your heart is somewhere else. Even after hearing you tell him it was innocent flirting, he now has to process the fact that his wife is saying romantic things to another man & must not have much respect for me if she puts a bit of fun before my feelings. He is extremely hurt by this and feeling betrayed.

I agree he will need to get past this and forgive you, because to keep throwing it in your face will only tear the two of you apart. You say you owned up to it and took the blame but also said if he cannot forgive you, you will leave. This sounds like you are telling him how to feel and 'get over it' I think you will make more progress if you step into his shoes...if you found the same on his computer to a female friend...honestly, would you just get over it once he explained himself or would you have doubts about his feelings for you? I think you can both get past this and move forward but you need to show him true remorse for the hurt this caused him and give him time to work through this. 

His reaction 'i'm meeting my girlfriend' is immature, but it is also saying he is still thinking about this and still hurting.


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

swedish said:


> Here's my honest opinion....
> 
> To you, with this old friend it was playing back and forth, not serious so no harm done.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
Also, I was hesitant to respond to this post because she only wanted to hear nice things. In order to improve the situation, sometimes the truth hurts. I would suggest being a bit more receptive to suggestions and advice. No one has all the answers, but we are all here to help!


----------



## bo0 (Dec 12, 2008)

swedish said:


> Here's my honest opinion....
> 
> To you, with this old friend it was playing back and forth, not serious so no harm done.
> 
> ...


I agree 100% but I have done that. And I have saw him talking to other females and I blow it off if I know its just "to past time" I have forgiven him for sooo many things. And he knows that. When we sat and talked about this whole situation he made it seem like hes a man he can slip up but because I'm his wife I should be like super woman and never make a mistake. Since I have shown that you know it was nothing and that I'm sorry. For the most part he has been really cool. I told him that if him staying with me is just going to continue to hurt him and bring him down we can split...not saying it as forgive me or I'm gone... If I hurt him as bad as it seems I don't want him to feel like he is stuck with a bad person. I know he wants to let it go and continue you on but its like everyonce in a while he gets an urge and just feels like I screwed him over so bad. That hurts me too, what if 20 years down the line he pulls this again. I can't listen to him threaten me. I can only take so much...


----------



## bo0 (Dec 12, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> :iagree:
> Also, I was hesitant to respond to this post because she only wanted to hear nice things. In order to improve the situation, sometimes the truth hurts. I would suggest being a bit more receptive to suggestions and advice. No one has all the answers, but we are all here to help!


I understand that, and thats why I am asking for advice. When I meant "nice things" I didn't mean just tell me everything will work out. I meant not to be like " ur dumb and doomed" You know things like that. But I am open to hearing things, I'm sorry if it came off the wrong way.


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

What about counseling? Have you considered it? It sounds like he hasn't completely worked through his issues from the past and your friend. Would he be open to going to counseling?


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

bo0 said:


> I understand that, and thats why I am asking for advice. When I meant "nice things" I didn't mean just tell me everything will work out. I meant not to be like " ur dumb and doomed" You know things like that. But I am open to hearing things, I'm sorry if it came off the wrong way.


I understand! No worries! Sometimes type is like text and hard to process!


----------



## bo0 (Dec 12, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> What about counseling? Have you considered it? It sounds like he hasn't completely worked through his issues from the past and your friend. Would he be open to going to counseling?


Well I have mentioned that in the past and he feels we have worked all of our problems out by ourselves and we should continue. He just needs time... but I dunno what I should do in the mean time.


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

My honest opinion, you had an Emotional affair with this other guy, no matter if you see it or not. Although it doesn't justify your husband wanting to hurt you back, the thing is you did serious harm to your marriage. I would be really deeply hurt in his siuation too. Why did you stay at someone elses house over night? 

I think your actions have destroyed all trust he had in you, and it will take three to twelve months of being open and honest to fix it. You also need to cut all contact with this other guy to save your marriage.

draconis


----------



## bo0 (Dec 12, 2008)

draconis said:


> My honest opinion, you had an Emotional affair with this other guy, no matter if you see it or not. Although it doesn't justify your husband wanting to hurt you back, the thing is you did serious harm to your marriage. I would be really deeply hurt in his siuation too. Why did you stay at someone elses house over night?
> 
> I think your actions have destroyed all trust he had in you, and it will take three to twelve months of being open and honest to fix it. You also need to cut all contact with this other guy to save your marriage.
> 
> draconis



I went to stay at his cousins house because he has very very bad anger problems. All this happened before he even got into my stuff and saw the messages. And I honestly believe he is bipolar. He can change so fast. Before I left he had went on a "rampage" and sliced our matress and dining room chairs, broke my phone, my blow dryer, flat iron and other things that were out. My hand was cut pretty bad in this process so I felt I needed to leave so he would cool off. He left right after that and when he left I felt I needed to not be there when he got back. I never talked to the guy on a regular basis it was for like a week and that was it. He saw the messages like 2 weeks after I stopped talking to the guy. It was nothing serious at all... it was a joke and every message ended with "lol".


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

First if he has those kinds of anger issues he needs anger management, counciling talk to a doctor, and a psyciatrist before you two pick up again.

He needs help beyond what you can give him and without it the relationship will be dangerous for you and any future children.

Just because you ended you things with lol, doesn't mean it wasn't an EA. It also doesn't justify your actions either.

draconis


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

bo0 said:


> My hand was cut pretty bad in this process so I felt I needed to leave so he would cool off.


I know you didn't ask for advice on this, but if your hand was cut by him, this is a dangerous situation for you. Is he doing anything to get help for his anger? Quite honestly, I'd remove myself from the situation (move out) until he gets help and has that fully under control. This type of rage is not normal at all under any circumstances.


----------



## bo0 (Dec 12, 2008)

draconis said:


> First if he has those kinds of anger issues he needs anger management, counciling talk to a doctor, and a psyciatrist before you two pick up again.
> 
> He needs help beyond what you can give him and without it the relationship will be dangerous for you and any future children.
> 
> ...


He has once agreed to go to Anger Management classes, but also claims he went when he was younger and it didn't help. I didn't expect things to fall back into place immediately but I think picking when he wants to throw it in my face for no reason is bull. I never tried to justify my actions I admitted to being wrong... never tried to blame it on anyone or anything else.


----------



## bo0 (Dec 12, 2008)

swedish said:


> I know you didn't ask for advice on this, but if your hand was cut by him, this is a dangerous situation for you. Is he doing anything to get help for his anger? Quite honestly, I'd remove myself from the situation (move out) until he gets help and has that fully under control. This type of rage is not normal at all under any circumstances.


I've considered... there is a lot to it though. I might be a little foolish for the way I see things, but I have no one to talk to or anything, to try to get second opinions


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

First off, that kind of rage is dangerous. Proof of that is your injury. He has to manage that.

Second, you have to have an honest reassessment of what you did and a realistic understanding of what it means to recover from such a thing.

You can try to trivialize what you did, but I am sorry, you were cheating. It was only a matter of time until you met the guy and made it physical.

It is not alright to do that kind of flirting if you are married. If you think it is, run it past your husband first.

And speaking of your husband. he is very immature, insecure, and destructive.

I see the reason for his anger and hurt feelings. You were being sneaky and having an emotional affair (at least).

HOWEVER, that does not justify him going psycho on your residence and injuring you.

He need therapy to control that urge. But I also think you both have boundary issues. 

I don't think he had a girlfriend, he was making a poorly-executed attempt to gget you to understand his feelings of betrayal by saying he had a girlfriend to visit.


----------



## bo0 (Dec 12, 2008)

michzz said:


> First off, that kind of rage is dangerous. Proof of that is your injury. He has to manage that.
> 
> Second, you have to have an honest reassessment of what you did and a realistic understanding of what it means to recover from such a thing.
> 
> ...


I know that he doesn't once before he felt hurt and he went a full week with talking like that until I was like I can't take it and attempted to leave. He admitted to only wanting me to feel the way he does. The thing with him is if he feels hurt for any reason he will make sure I feel hurt too. Whether its something as little as me not answering my phone for any reason. I want him to be able to forgive and trust me again, but how can I sit and wait if he is telling me these things? I expect for him to stay out late tonight to make me think... and If I don't say anything to him he will think I'm doing something... and if I do say something he is going to blow up on me....

Should I just continue to do right and see if he comes around or what?


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Two wrongs don't make a right, or a healthy relationship. It sounds like a tit for tat situation and I suggest you avoid playing into it.

I also suggest counseling for you both asap.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

bo0 said:


> I've considered... there is a lot to it though. I might be a little foolish for the way I see things, but I have no one to talk to or anything, to try to get second opinions


How do you see things? I can understand that you don't just want to throw your marriage out the window, but if you are justifying his rage by thinking 'well, most of the time he's not like that' it won't help either of you. He needs to figure out how to deal with his anger & you need to protect yourself. 

Part of his reaction (when you say he will stay out tonight to make you think) is controlling. My guess is that he is not at peace with himself and who he is so instead of being able to just sit and talk to you, his actions are to manipulate you in a way to reel you back in. There's a high risk of you either losing yourself in this situation just to keep him calm or you finally getting fed up and leaving.

Boundaries are a good idea...I would say you could tell him you thought about the emails and realized you would not have written them if he were sitting right next to you and that you will think about that going forward. However, I think your situation with his anger is the number 1 pressing thing at this point that needs to be addressed first. My reason for saying that is you explaining how you will control this in the future may not mean much to him...right now, if he doesn't feel in control of things his mind is racing & may not hear/believe/be able to process what you are saying.


----------



## bo0 (Dec 12, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> Two wrongs don't make a right, or a healthy relationship. It sounds like a tit for tat situation and I suggest you avoid playing into it.
> 
> I also suggest counseling for you both asap.



Thanks for your advice. I really just need someone to talk to about everything and I will be fine on my part.


----------



## bo0 (Dec 12, 2008)

swedish said:


> How do you see things? I can understand that you don't just want to throw your marriage out the window, but if you are justifying his rage by thinking 'well, most of the time he's not like that' it won't help either of you. He needs to figure out how to deal with his anger & you need to protect yourself.
> 
> Part of his reaction (when you say he will stay out tonight to make you think) is controlling. My guess is that he is not at peace with himself and who he is so instead of being able to just sit and talk to you, his actions are to manipulate you in a way to reel you back in. There's a high risk of you either losing yourself in this situation just to keep him calm or you finally getting fed up and leaving.
> 
> Boundaries are a good idea...I would say you could tell him you thought about the emails and realized you would not have written them if he were sitting right next to you and that you will think about that going forward. However, I think your situation with his anger is the number 1 pressing thing at this point that needs to be addressed first. My reason for saying that is you explaining how you will control this in the future may not mean much to him...right now, if he doesn't feel in control of things his mind is racing & may not hear/believe/be able to process what you are saying.


Yes Yes Yes!! You hit that right on. I know that is how things are. For the most part it has always been that way. I just don't know how to deal with it. I do not try to justify or make excuses for his anger. I tell him about it all the time. But as far as the controlling part... he is very controlling. Very... he says its because he doesn't trust me... or he wants it all to work. I have done what I can to comfort him on this situation. Go out less... call him when I am out... stop texting so much around him... deleting myspaces and all that. I feel there is no pleasing him. I ask him what he wants from me and he won't answer. He expects me to know. I know he takes advantage of him controlling my situation. We share absolutley everything... its like there is no him without me and vice versa. All my family is in California. I barely know anyone here because I am from California and he is from here. So he has a slight advantage that he runs with when the opportunity comes. 

I know everything I am telling him now is going in one ear and out the other... and I have gave up with explaining myself...but if I don't he doesn't feel "secure" You know....


----------



## bo0 (Dec 12, 2008)

I guess another question that I have is How do I let him get over it and learn to trust me again without anything getting out of control?


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

bo0 said:


> But as far as the controlling part... he is very controlling. Very... he says its because he doesn't trust me... or he wants it all to work.


This is really where the problem is. He doesn't believe there is anything wrong with his behavior. He blames his anger on you, because you did this or that or because you won't do this or that. Until he sees he is part of the problem (a HUGE part IMO) you are left at the mercy of his moods.


bo0 said:


> I guess another question that I have is How do I let him get over it and learn to trust me again without anything getting out of control?


I really think you are in a tough spot. The violent rage you described happened before he even saw the emails, so the way he is acting about the email incident goes way beyond that incident. He is unable to constructively handle the bumps in the road of life in general. He may get over it the way he gets over everything else but something else is bound to trigger him down the road and you will be in the same spot.

What would happen if you talked to him calmly and told him you love him and your marriage is important to you, but you really need him to do something about is anger because you also want it to work but can't live worrying when the next time will be. Do you think he would consider getting help?


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I was also wondering why you engaged in those emails with that guy you worked with...I know between the two of you it was all in jest, ending with 'lol' -- I get that part...but for you was it a nice little escape...a little attention w/o any expectations or pressure ... things like that can make you feel good and that's what your husband should be doing ... he's making it really hard for himself by not looking within and taking action ... it's frustrating because he has someone who clearly loves him and is doing all the wrong things to show you love in return.


----------



## bo0 (Dec 12, 2008)

swedish said:


> What would happen if you talked to him calmly and told him you love him and your marriage is important to you, but you really need him to do something about is anger because you also want it to work but can't live worrying when the next time will be. Do you think he would consider getting help?


We have had this talk plenty of times. He says its me that triggers him, and he has gotten to the point where if he is mad he no longer wants to leave to blow steam... It gets hard trying to talk to him... I try and try and try and its like he can be sooooo negative. The last time we got into it over this he tried to say I didn't care about him and love him enough... Once I proved my point and got him thinking right he was calm and everything. It is a matter of giving him time to cool and talking. But there is times I am so frustrated its like I feed off his anger. I give him that he has cooled his anger ALOT ALOT ALOT!! It even got to the point where he would run and take it out on others for example his mom... I felt so bad for her. I can try to convince him again for help, I already know he's going to say he wants me to be there with him like he did last time... but how is he helping hisself if he cannot do it alone?


----------



## bo0 (Dec 12, 2008)

swedish said:


> I was also wondering why you engaged in those emails with that guy you worked with...I know between the two of you it was all in jest, ending with 'lol' -- I get that part...but for you was it a nice little escape...a little attention w/o any expectations or pressure ... things like that can make you feel good and that's what your husband should be doing ... he's making it really hard for himself by not looking within and taking action ... it's frustrating because he has someone who clearly loves him and is doing all the wrong things to show you love in return.



It honestly wasn't anything like that. He asks me what I was thinking when I was emailing him and I told him nothing.. I really wasn't I didn't take it serious enough to believe it would hurt anybody or anything. I know I was never going to see him again, when I worked with him it was like 2 years ago. I didn't think anything of it. It was like once I did it I forgot about it. I wasn't sitting waiting for a responce or anything like that. I forgot I even did it when he first brung it up to. Just petty nothing...


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

He can become a better person on his own or with you by his side...the key is he needs to recognize he doesn't like the way he is and want to change it. If he is at that point, whether you are by his side or not, a third party may get through to him and help him learn why he gets so bent out of shape when things don't go his way and how to better cope. I think it has a lot more to do with how he feels about himself (deep down) then it does with anything else.


----------



## bo0 (Dec 12, 2008)

swedish said:


> I think it has a lot more to do with how he feels about himself (deep down) then it does with anything else.


I agree... Thank You!


----------



## Void_Me (Dec 15, 2008)

Ha Ha wow swedish how are you going to tell somebody that their husband needs help? You cant even keep yours at home.. and draconis...tisk tisk tisk..how are you going to ask some one why be with him? Probably the same reason why your wife didnt want to be with you. all this advise from people that cant even hold their own **** together..wow! Swedish..your husband bang a female he works with..might i add in the same office and you wanted to mess around with the ladys desk? leave little marks so she would know it was you? Now thats childish...wow you people are sure some help. But anyways to you Bo0. you cheated on your husband with the net correct? You say it was all fun and games correct? Its all fun and games untill somebody gets hurt correct? Its seems to me like you might be lying in your post how about we get the hole story. lets get to the root of the problem. Old boyfriend? Text messages? Trips out of state? Or my personal fravorite the old had a guy over and he didnt know? How about we spill all the beans and let the world know whats really going on SHALL WE!


----------



## bo0 (Dec 12, 2008)

Void_Me said:


> Ha Ha wow swedish how are you going to tell somebody that their husband needs help? You cant even keep yours at home.. and draconis...tisk tisk tisk..how are you going to ask some one why be with him? Probably the same reason why your wife didnt want to be with you. all this advise from people that cant even hold their own **** together..wow! Swedish..your husband bang a female he works with..might i add in the same office and you wanted to mess around with the ladys desk? leave little marks so she would know it was you? Now thats childish...wow you people are sure some help. But anyways to you Bo0. you cheated on your husband with the net correct? You say it was all fun and games correct? Its all fun and games untill somebody gets hurt correct? Its seems to me like you might be lying in your post how about we get the hole story. lets get to the root of the problem. Old boyfriend? Text messages? Trips out of state? Or my personal fravorite the old had a guy over and he didnt know? How about we spill all the beans and let the world know whats really going on SHALL WE!



LOL!! The story is what it is. No he is not an old boyfriend, no I wasn't sending him text messages. No I didn't take a trip out of state and hell no he wasn't over my house!!

I told the whole story, its just past trust issues and timing that made it so much worse.
But it's funny how everything u mentioned does have something to do with the past and why he doesn't trust me. But by no means am I "lying" I did not state the past because the past is the past and should not be a burden on anything if we chose to move on from it correct?

Like I said in my post we have had our ups and downs, thats all I have to say about the past...there have been ups and downs. Although the past can be the "root of the problem" it shouldn't be. He has done things in his past and so have I. I chose to forgive im for it so I do not bring it up and use it against him and I expect the same from him. So no I will not talk about the past. The past shouldn't be the problem now.

You seem to have a strong opinion on things... and seem a lot like my husband with the so quick to say someone is "lying". So how do you feel about my situation, I would love to hear how you feel about it.

Let me re-say the basics. I was talking to a guy online... he found out... now he is doing 20x's worse to hurt me....

See how I didn't bring up either past... got to what the situation is now....

I can easily say how he has been telling people for I dunno how long that he is divorced... how everytime he thinks about the past he talks to another girl... how he stays out late and does god knows what and never keeps his ring on... how he doesn't have my number saved in his phone because he doesn't want people to know we talk... how he took a girl to the movies...how he told people I was his sister playing games... just as easy as he can say a few things about me.... how I kept letting his friend come over after he said not to.... how he said not to let my guy friend over, but I let him anyway... how I emailed my ex to see how he was doing...how i went to drop my ex off a quarter before going to see him... how I kept adding my other ex on myspace... how I was getting phone calls late at night... But I won't throw that into this situation!

Do you see the circle here? I want out of it!! I tell him after every fight... If you cannot forgive me and move on you need to let me go. Of course he would say he cannot forgive me but his actions speak otherwise. This is why its so hard for me. I have forgiven him for his past so I'm still here... If he cannot do the same he needs to let me go. If he can fine... Forgive..forget and start over... you see where I'm at? I am more than willing to forgive him yet again and move on because I honestly feel a strong marriage isn't how long you go without a fight or any of that jazz it is how much you go throw and withstand. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. So what doesn't kill the marriage only makes it stronger.

See I'm blabbin I keep going on and on.


----------

