# I Mentally Abuse my husband - PLEASE HELP



## BigbrotherUK2015 (Sep 24, 2015)

I am in desperate need of help here. I have only been married for just under a year. After 4 weeks of marriage my husband kissed a girl we both know when he was drunk (No excuse in my eyes) and since then I just lost all respect for him. I totally mentally abuse him when we have a huge fight and before I know it, I am calling him every name under the sun. I am really not someone that agrees with that and I think it is one of the worst forms of abuse. Afterwards (And even while I am saying these things) I feel so terrible to see how it hurts him and I make vow after vow after vow to myself to never say these things to him again but the next fight and I do the exact same thing. He is a very calm and placid person but always seems to want to discuss an ''issue'' or something thats on his mind (recently it was that he has fantasised about my friends and he is gets off to looking at porn images), we have huge issues when we have sex because he can't stay hard and thats knocked down ALL my confidence. but its never ending and always seems like he needs to ''get things off his chest'' about something or the other. I find this extremely frustrating because surely there should be days we can just enjoy and not discuss every last thing we think about each day. I don't know if its because Iv lost respect for him from the things he has done and told me or if I am just an abusive person. What if I do this to my children one day! I never thought id ever say these things to my husband (*******, useless, low class, idiot, piece of ****, has no money, I make all the money and he will never be good enough, pathetic) (these are just a few of the things IV told him) then what if I abuse my children we might have one day. (All I want is babies I love children and my dream has always been to have children but Iv gone back on birth control because I am so scared I might emotionally abuse them. How do I over come this and treat him the way I want to. When we are not fighting we get on better then best friends and we are extremely close and to say we laugh constantly is an understatement. Why am I doing this to someone I love and why when I get angry with him do I feel like I hate him for everything he has done when we first got married with that girl and the porn, the fantasies about my friends, the sex issues. P.S. he never says mean things to me but I can slowly see how his ''soft and sweet'' approach is wearing thin! Soon he will be calling me the same things I think.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

You seem to understand what you did wrong but unable to stop. My advice is to get into an anger management program and get IC( your husband needs some too). You need to learn how to communicate without getting into a rage. Once, you have this underway, have your husband join you in MC, so you both learn to fight better. 

IN the mean time, when you feel like your rage is coming. Shut up. Leave. Take a walk outside, clear your head. 

Here are some tools to use:
-Have discussions. You get five minutes to have your say. He gets five minutes to reply. You cannot say anything during his time. You listen. Next, you reiterate what you heard him say or ask, then, you reply. You each take terms sharing your grievances. This is a safe place, there will be no loud voices or accusations. If it gets too heated and loud. You table it and come back another time.

-Your words have power. Use your words to empower and uplift your husband. Every time you spew toxic words at him, you break him down. Learn how to fight and you use kind words. Instead of beating him down, tell him why you are mad. He will understand that better.

-Treat your man with compassion. What you don't want him to say to you, don't say to him. Imagine how he feels when he hear those words. Imagine how you will feel if he said those words to you.

Maybe, all the negativity is causing his ED. But he needs to see a doctor, to check his hormones level and get a blood test. Also, check for high blood pressure and diabetes. Having a threesome or looking at porn is not going to boost his confidence level. 

Until, all of this is figure out, don't have kids. It's a very toxic environment to bring kids into.

Good luck. Hope to hear great things in the future.


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## BigbrotherUK2015 (Sep 24, 2015)

Thats great advice. Thanks for this. 

P.S. he has been to see a doctor and they said its nothing serious just psychological because he is now stressed each time that it will happen again. It doesn't happen all the time its just more so then not. I will defiantly take your advice on leaving and going for a walk when I feel I can't control what I say. And agreed I do need to go into an anger management class. Thank you.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

BigBrother,

Did you witness that it was "only a kiss" because waywards minimize and often only a kiss mean oral sex, oral sex means intercourse etc.

You need to get the full truth out of him perhaps getting him a polygraph, 

Kissing is more intimate than other kinds of physical contact, not more sexual but more intimate. You can also get HPV through kissing.

I hope this OW is out of both of your lives for good, no contact!

A few weeks into your marriage should still have been the honeymoon phase! What is your H going to do if your are pregnant and have gained baby weight!!!

Tamat


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## BigbrotherUK2015 (Sep 24, 2015)

No I didn't witness it, I was in UK while he was in a different country where we are from, this was on his faerwell to move here to me. We grew up together but I moved here first and he followed so he was only back home for 3 weeks by himself and this happened the night before he left. He only told me 4 weeks after he got here and their stories match and he called her husband to tell him and apologise because I made him. But her husband i know each other well and his this was at his families home so no doubt there was time for anything else. But it was an intimate lay down kiss so who knows. Maybe a polygraph is what I need to clear my mind. I don't trust him at all and thats what throws me into this rage every time we have a fight because he seems to want to constantly bring up all my past boyfriends etc when we argue and i feel like its to make himself feel better about what he has all done. I guess I need to work and focus on myself. I just always wonder if he did that after 4 weeks what will he do it 20 years time. :/


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I'm calling BS on this one. Someone doesn't get this abusive just because of a kiss (or even an affair). My guess is you have been like this longer but the new relationship excitement of dating and being married just hid it. Now that the excitement has worn off, you are right back to the way you were.

If you weren't a "rager" before you were married, you wouldn't be one now. Seek counseling to get this under control.

Just to add... the kiss was wrong. Not trying to minimize that.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

You should get yourself some counseling. Your issue is not one that can't be fixed. You do have some right to be angry at your husband, though....he's no saint. Maybe some marriage counseling, too!! 

My ex treated me the way you treat your husband, but would NEVER EVER talk to our kids the way he did to me, and they are 12 and 14. One thing at a time.....don't freak out that you're going to make a terrible mom. But, get your marriage issues and your temper worked out before that! <3


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

If a gunman pointed a gun at you and was going to pull the trigger if you abused your husband, would you be able to contain yourself or have to accept death as inevitable?
If it is the first one, accept you are fully responsible for your actions. Of the latter, then you have a genuine problem are deserve sympathy.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> Why am I doing this to someone I love and why when I get angry with him do I feel like I hate him for everything he has done?


BB, what you are describing is called "black-white thinking." It is a thought distortion that occurs in all of us every time we get very angry. The result is that, for a few hours at least, our perception can be so distorted that we will perceive of a loved one as being "all black" or "all white." This is why we all try to keep our mouths shut until our anger has time to cool down -- and try to avoid buying a ring until our infatuation has evaporated so we can see clearly. 

If you are concerned that you have too little control over your emotions (hence frequently suffering the intense feelings that create thought distortions), I would agree with BrooklynAnn that you should seek IC with a psychologist to obtain a professional opinion on what is causing your anger issue. In that case, I also would suggest that -- while you're looking for a good psych -- you take a quick look at my list of 18 warning signs to see if most of them seem to apply. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, BB.


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## Dycedarg (Apr 17, 2014)

While kissing someone else when you're married is obviously a terrible and immoral decision, I'm fairly certain that this rage of which you speak is a problem you've had all your life. This relationship as it is seems toxic, and something needs to change. I agree with the others that have recommended counseling for you. You seem smart enough and honest enough with yourself to really dig in and unearth the things that are troubling you. You can do it.


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## BigbrotherUK2015 (Sep 24, 2015)

MOST of those points are me to a T! I probably could have written most of that about myself without even seeing the list. Someone above mentioned This is BS and that Iv been like this all my life. I just find with my husband it happens all the time. And I just use what he did as an excuse for my actions.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Is it too late for an anullment?


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

The "kiss" is just an excuse/reason to biatch about all the other things.

Does he work? Is he lazy? sounds to me like those are the REAL issues.

Course, berating will not change them, it will just create building resentment in you both.

I am really feeling like you are angry because the love fog cleared and reality set in and this marriage isn't at all what you wanted.


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## BigbrotherUK2015 (Sep 24, 2015)

He does work, he is not lazy and puts 100% into our marriage, our fights tend to always start with him always wanting to ''discussing'' everything. No there is no time for an annulment. You don't buy something every time it breaks you fix it. I love my husband more then anything and I couldn't have asked for a better best friend and life partner. My problem is with the way I treat him when we fight and I find your comment pretty stupid if I have to be totally honest. Iv asked for help to stop mentally abusing my husband and putting him down and to stop saying horrible things to him when we fight - Not - ''how do I get out of my marriage''.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

BigbrotherUK2015 said:


> He does work, he is not lazy and puts 100% into our marriage, our fights tend to always start with him always wanting to ''discussing'' everything. No there is no time for an annulment. You don't buy something every time it breaks you fix it. I love my husband more then anything and I couldn't have asked for a better best friend and life partner. My problem is with the way I treat him when we fight and I find your comment pretty stupid if I have to be totally honest. Iv asked for help to stop mentally abusing my husband and putting him down and to stop saying horrible things to him when we fight - Not - ''how do I get out of my marriage''.


4 posts before you said this 
"MOST of those points are me to a T! I probably could have written most of that about myself without even seeing the list. Someone above mentioned This is BS and that Iv been like this all my life.* I just find with my husband it happens all the time. And I just use what he did as an excuse for my actions.*"

So how is what I said different?

I made a comment that you didn't like. Or maybe it was so close to the truth that it ticked you off.

Having been on this planet a few more decades than you, having had a wide variety of personal experiences, having been around TAM and reading people's issues and the result of what they've tried (successful and unsuccessful) I called it as I saw it.

A month in to marriage and you are berating your husband and using him as your personal verbal punching bag......you listed the berating things you say TO him and then in anger to me you list all those WONDERFUL QUALITIES and couldn't ask for a better life partner......

Anger Management and learning how to communicate respectfully to your partner are what you need then

He needs some counseling to figure out why in the world he would take such abuse from his newlyweddded bride

If you "love" him more than anything in the world - then you better start acting like it or he will find someone who actually strokes his ego rather than destroys it


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

BigbrotherUK2015 said:


> MOST of those points are me to a T! I probably could have written most of that about myself without even seeing the list.


BB, the 18 warning signs on that list are for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Again, I suggest you see a psychologist to obtain a professional evaluation of your issues. I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree. At low levels, these traits are protective and an important part of our ego defenses. They only become a problem when they are so strong and persistent that they undermine a person's efforts to sustain a marriage or other close LTR. 

At issue, then, is not whether you exhibit BPD traits. Of course you do. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether you exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., are on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met you, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you and your H can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as very controlling behavior, always being "The Victim," and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your own issues. Only a professional can do that. The main reason for learning these red flags, then -- like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack -- is to help you decide whether there is sufficient reason to spend money seeking a professional opinion.

If you would like to read a more detailed description of the 18 warning signs, I suggest you read my posts in *Maybe's Thread*. For a good book on this subject, I recommend Friedel's _Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified: An Essential Guide for Understanding and Living with BPD. _If you want to discuss this subject further in your thread, it would be helpful if you would tell us which of the 18 traits seem to strongly apply to your behavior -- and which do not seem to apply at all (or only very weakly).


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

BigbrotherUK2015 said:


> He does work, he is not lazy and puts 100% into our marriage, our fights tend to always start with him always wanting to ''discussing'' everything.


Wow. So HE wants to discuss your marriage and fix it, and all you want to do is b*tch somebody out? Have you always been this self-centered?

The only thing that's going to help is consistent, weekly therapy with a psychologist, with an occasional visit by your H so he can shed more light on what you're really like. No doubt you will downplay YOUR bad habits and magnify HIS in therapy, so it's needed.


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## BigbrotherUK2015 (Sep 24, 2015)

@turnera - Yes exactly that, he wants to sit down and discuss things and I instantly think ''why can't he just sweep it under the carpet''. (I know how selfish that is). From when I was a little girl my parents have said ''its your way or no way''. They gave me a lot of flack for it growing up telling me to stop being so selfish. I grew up in a very abusive life with my sister, she was extremely physically/mentally abusive with me every single day of my life growing up, up until I moved to another country to get away from her and live in peace (Mid 20s) and so I always had this attitude of never letting anyone hurt me and I hate being around any conflict and I think this has to do with why I can't cope with all these discussions because I instantly think they will start a fight. I am extremely selfish when it comes to that. I just want to clear one thing up. My husband and I don't fight often at all but I can see how after this year it is happening more regularly (once a month) and in turn I am swearing at him more often when we do fight. I have in turn been like this with friends and previous boyfriends in the past as soon as conflict arrises, I run and don't talk to them again because I feel like I can't deal with fighting so I run. I don't like seeing people hurt so I leave and I never wanted to ever abuse anyone and let them feel how I felt growing up so I just left instead of hurting the,In my marriage I cannot do that and I don't want to do that (run away) and I think that is why only now I have realised how big my problem is because I actually have to face it. He is extremely patient with me and always seems to understand but it is the internal damage I am doing to him that he is not saying that I am scared off. My sister mentally abused me too and I know that even years down the line and even now that we are pretty close I still have nights I feel the pain from the words she said to me all my life and I cannot do that to my husband. He has never even told me to ''keep quite'' during a fight so why can't I keep my mouth shut in turn. Why do I feel like I need to attack before I get attacked. Im like a completely different person when I am angry and even while I am angry I tell myself ''don't say ugly things that you don't mean''. I also want to just say I am a very soft and caring person. I hate seeing people hurt and am always the ''peace keeper'' in the family. I hate fighting yet I don't use or take my own advice in my marriage.


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## BigbrotherUK2015 (Sep 24, 2015)

Iv pasted the points that i feel are me. i asked my husband to sit and openly tell me which he feels are me. So they are from both sides. 

2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells;
6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
7. Low self esteem;
8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;
9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;
10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);
15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;
18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she often "rewrites history" because she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

It's so good that you know what you are doing and know the impact of your behavior. Recognizing the things you do and knowing where they came from is big. Now you have to retrain your thought process, reaction and behavior. 

Being on TAM will give you great support, however, you need professional help. This is way beyond our capacity. So, make an appointment with a psychiatrist, work on yourself and get helped. 

You have started on your journey, now continue down this path. Good luck.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

BB, you've identified 10 of the 18 BPD behavioral traits as strongly applying to you. If you are correct, I suspect that this number should be increased to 11 so as to also include black-white thinking (trait #1). As I explained in my first post above, your complaint that you oftentimes feel nothing but hate for your H -- being totally out of touch with the love you have for him -- is a sign of strong B-W thinking. 

Likewise, your frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never" (trait #2) is another example of your frequent B-W thinking, i.e., your having such intense feelings that you are unable to see the grey area in between (where real people exist). Similarly, your "Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing" (trait #5) is a third example of your heavy reliance on B-W thinking.

If you really do suffer from strong traits of BPD, the reason that you slip into B-W thinking so often (e.g., perceiving of your H as the devil incarnate) is that you lack the emotional skills to manage and control your own feelings. This would mean, for example, you lack the skill to do self soothing to calm yourself down, the skill to be "mindful" (i.e., to remain in the room with your H instead of escaping in daydreams to the past or future), the skill to tolerate ambiguities and uncertainties, the skill to avoid B-W thinking by tolerating strong conflicting feelings and ambiguities, the skill to perceive "object constancy" (i.e., to see that your H's personality is essentially unchanged day to day, even when you are angry with him), and the skill to intellectually challenge your intense feelings instead of accepting them as self-evident "facts."

Significantly, these are skills that most adults have learned in early childhood, usually before age five. Hence, if you really do suffer from strong BPD traits, you may have experienced a trauma at that early age that forced you to hold tightly to the primitive ego defenses available to young children. These include, e.g., B-W thinking, temper tantrums, controlling behavior, projection (i.e., your H being responsible for every painful feeling or thought you have), and denial. 

When children are so frightened that they keep a death grip on these primitive defenses, they don't let go enough to be able to learn the more mature ego defenses we need in adulthood. The good news, however, is that most major cities in advanced countries offer excellent therapy programs (e.g., DBT and CBT) that teach people how to acquire these very skills.

Again, I suggest you see a clinical psychologist for a professional evaluation because spotting warning signs falls far short of a diagnosis. And I suggest that, while your looking for a good psych, you take a look at _*Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified: An Essential Guide for Understanding and Living with BPD*. _It is targeted to folks suffering from BPD. If your H wants to read a book on the subject, the best-seller (targeted to the spouse) is *Stop Walking on Eggshells*. Another best seller (for spouses) is _*I Hate You, Don't Leave Me!*

_Finally, if you've not yet done so, I would encourage you to read my more detailed description of BPD behaviors at my several posts in Maybe's Thread. After reading that discussion, you likely will have a better understanding of BPD traits and may even conclude that you really don't have most of them. If that thread raises further questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're doing great at explaining how bad you are, how messed up.

Not so great at saying what you're going to DO about it.


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## BigbrotherUK2015 (Sep 24, 2015)

Thank you @Uptown and @brooklynAnn, I have taken all your advice onboard. You have been a huge help. Iv never admitted any of this stuff to anyone before so I am glad Iv started at point one - by admitting what I have been doing and you gave me honest insight into me recognising what Iv done and then steering me into the right direction of what I should do next. I really appreciate your help more then you will know. Commence my new attitude of changing my bad ways, getting professional help, saving my marriage and moving forward! Thank you!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Every time you want to say something shyty to your old man...think about some chick saying twice as many good things to him. Hell there might be a couple of chicks flirting with your old man.

My point is if you don't say sweet crap to your old man some one else will, and in the end he will go look for another belly warmer while your left out in the cold.

I've been there and my old lady just wasn't kissing some guy ...she was phucking around in hotels all weekend....these days are different cuz I know for a fact that I have to control my shyt cuz my old lady will go some were else to get her ego boosted and not beaten down by me every phucking day.

And that's the lesson here....some take their spouse for granted and say shyt like " they would never cheat on me" and in the same sentence say what losers there spouse is....I mean come on...it's just a matter of time before they go off and find someone that respects them.

And in the end the betrayed spouse comes here and asks what they did wrong.....go figure?

In short, if you want to get laid more quit treating your old man like shyt.

Hey that's just me...I'm wired different then most. lol


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Firstly your husband was wrong, drunk or not to kiss another person. I would have left him. You probably both have stuff to deal with. As for his E.D it used to happen to me also. Doctor put me on viagra for a while and wife was patient. So now I have no need for the medication at all. I had all kinds of issues I had to deal with before I could maintain an erection. I overcame it, and it sounds as though your husband could too. It will take time.

As for the meanness therapy here will help too I think. I will say I used try to be patient and understanding with my wife when she would throw a temper. I don't anymore. I still don't yell or cuss at her. But, I no longer put up with being walked on. I am also colder and more distant when we fight. If she cries I say nothing. I don't comfort her or anything else. Your husband may go down the same path. It is no a good path to walk upon. I am at the stage now where I am no longer interested in counseling for my marriage. Whatever happens, happens as far as I am concerned these days. 

If you want to save your marriage, both you and he will need to put in the effort. There are faults on both sides. It is never one sided in my experience.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

If you want your marriage to work, I suggest therapy for your anger issues and marriage counselling. It sounds as though your H needs to learn about marital boundaries...


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I think he's done some things wrong but you two need to find some constructive ways to address your problems. Learning how to fight fair is a start for you, not attacking him personally, staying on track, thinking of solutions. Note sometimes looking at porn is a response by a husband who feels weak and wants to get some element of control. Being mad at him for his problems is sexually performing seems particularly wrong. 

I think you need to need read and work on addressing your problems. Again, I'm not saying you're totally wrong, just that you need to be more effective.


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