# What should I do?



## zero (Mar 9, 2009)

hello, i'm new here and found this site while searching for help. here's my problem:

i am married and have a 2 year old daughter. i had an affair which lasted 2 months, but had known the other woman for two years. i ended the affair last december, when i realized that it was my family that i loved. the reason i had an affair, though i know it's not justified and i was wrong, was because me and my wife were fighting with alarming frequency, and she abused me verbally, emotionally and physically. i couldn't take it anymore and sought solace, thus the affair. but i love my wife in spite of it all, so i ended the affair. 

however, shortly after ending it, i found out the other girl was pregnant. 

naturally, my wife found out about it and wants to leave me. i am trying to fix things by being open now and not hiding anything. from my emails, accounts, phones, laptop, etc., she has access to it all. i don't mind it, since it was i who made the mistake. i, who was wrong. 

now, she wants to change me. everything about me. i have been a musician and photographer all my life. she is asking me to quit both. i understand the music, since temptations abound, but my photography, i don't get why. i have been doing both since i was a kid. i am 30yo now, and all ive done to eke out a living has been both. i quit my music, and now she wants me to quit my photography. i don't know what to do now. i want to do all she says, to make things better for us, but is this the right thing to do? to turn my back on everything that i have known, everything that i am? 

i fear if i do what she wants, if ever we don't separate, i would be a lifeless shell. a shadow of the man who i once was. i dunno what work i can do, i tried applying but it's either i'm too old, or i lack experience. but more than that, i will be miserable being a man she wants me to be, not the man who i'm supposed to be.

i know i did a hugely terrible,costly mistake. and though i want to do right, is losing all that make me who i am worth it? i honestly don't know what to do anymore...


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## SINCERELYSEEKINGHELP (Mar 10, 2009)

its a tough call because now you cannot walk away from the affair with a clear conscious, now there is a connection to the affair that is not likly to dissappear! the insecurities your wife feels are now doubled! if you love her you can only hope that she loves you enough to go through the changes you both face in the future with now having a child outside of the marriage! its going to be tough! i dont think that your wife should ask you to give up what you love but its hard for her to trust you! if you ask me, if you dont have trust you cant love the person you are with! i think it is impossible! she has to decide wether she can trust that you wont cheat again in order to heal and make the relationship work!


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## zero (Mar 9, 2009)

but what if she doesn't trust me unless i change who i am, and when i say change who i am, i mean completely. to tell all i work with that i quit my music, quit my photography, to quit who i am, to start selling all the stuff that i own. I am willing to change, but to change everything that i am? i'll be a completely different person then... how do i tell her this? she is very closed to the idea that she needs to change some things as well... the reasons she gives always when i try to speak my mind or stand up for my rights are, i don't have any rights and i deserve all that's coming, all that she does to me. the verbal and physical abuse, the changing who i am completely, no matter what i say, all she says is that i deserve it...


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Why do you have to quit music? are you playing out in clubs? spending too much on gear? not paying the bills? why not make music and photography a little side hobby? you can't quit those. Especially music. Trust me i've tried.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

This is a losing proposition, don't give up who you are and what you are...I did, my first marriage had been dead for years and I met another woman, we had an affair, she was still married as well. I was in the pro wrestling business and taking and selling photos and raising my kids...I was having a good time, enjoyed life and made enough money to pay the bills.

Once both our divorces were over and we moved in together, everything changed, I could no longer have anything to do with the wrestling business, couldn't take or sell my pics, no job I ever held was good enough...there wasn't anything about me that ever seemed good enough.

This went on for ten years, the last five we were married...she eventually left me for some other guy, who was married at the time. I'm remarried now and happier than I have ever been because my wife and I share similar interests and she doesn't mind that part of me that's still a little less than grown up.

Learn from your mistake, don't repeat it, but don't give up who you are...

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## zero (Mar 9, 2009)

martino: she wants me to quit because those things remind her of the affair. i don't spend much on gear, we haven't been playing in clubs but in big venues, events. and actually music is my sideline, photography is my bread and butter...

jdpreacher: i do make enough money to pay the bills, though of course it's not regular. her problem is that the things that make me who i am, remind her of the affair. i feel empty without those. but then, if i don't i'd feel empty as well if i lose my family. i'm learning from my mistakes, and i really want to make things work. but i don't know how things would work if i give up on the things that make me, me...


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Yeah she's controlling, don't give it up but decide to commit or not.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Things won't work if you give up being who you are...there are always reminders of an affair, certain smells, time of day, TV show, who knows what will be that trigger.

You will not be happy if you decide to give up your passions to try and save your marriage and if you aren't happy then the marriage won't be and it's doomed to failure regardless.

Instead of giving it all up, try to compromise, find a way that you can still continue what you are doing but that will make her happy too...I don't know if that would include having her at all the gigs you do, photography and music, or what...can always get a baby sitter for the kids.

I'm telling you from experience...changing yourself that drastically for the sake of someone else, it's a mistake, regardless of the transgression. If you can't be true to yourself then you can't be true to the marriage and that doesn't have anything to do with affairs.

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## zero (Mar 9, 2009)

JDPreacher said:


> Things won't work if you give up being who you are...there are always reminders of an affair, certain smells, time of day, TV show, who knows what will be that trigger.
> 
> You will not be happy if you decide to give up your passions to try and save your marriage and if you aren't happy then the marriage won't be and it's doomed to failure regardless.
> 
> ...


I've, at the moment, put my life on hold. To give her what she wants in the meantime. I understand she is still angry and hurt. We're seeing a counselor on Monday and I am hoping it would help her see that changing me would make things worse and come up with a compromise. A few days of "not being me" wouldn't hurt (much)... here's hoping counseling would make things better for us. Thanks!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

zero-

The biggest principle in life that you musty never ever cross is: Begin as you mean to go on. If you allow your wife to dictate to you simply becuase you are feel guilty - her abuse of you will continue. In fact that is abuse.



zero said:


> now, she wants to change me. everything about me. i have been a musician and photographer all my life. she is asking me to quit both. i understand the music, since temptations abound, but my photography, i don't get why. i have been doing both since i was a kid. i am 30yo now, and all ive done to eke out a living has been both. i quit my music, and now she wants me to quit my photography. i don't know what to do now. i want to do all she says, to make things better for us, but is this the right thing to do? to turn my back on everything that i have known, everything that i am?


You need to understand the dynamics of what happened and wake up before it is too late.

Let me try to explain...

She abused you, you screwed up - she threatened divorce, and she seems to be issuing a stay of execution, provided she is allowed to abuse you even more than before. If you can't tell her "NO", you are better off moving out. In the present economic climate, your sort of work is ideal, as you can always scrape up a few dollars here and there - you are not putting all your eggs in one basket. If you get out of the habit of shooting and playing, you will lose custom and it might be hard to re-kindle later. Once she has you penniless you will be even more dependent on her than you were before. That's what she wants - to break you. Your self-esteem must be on life-support right now for you to even consider this option. Please please hear me 

Can you give details about how she abused you in the past, this is important.


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## zero (Mar 9, 2009)

Thanks. I am holding on as much as I can. I gave myself time until counseling, after that...

On how she abused me: I admit I lied oftentimes where I was and what I was doing. I lied to go out with my buddies, to have a drink, and later on, with the affair. The reason why i lie is because I'm afraid she won't let me go. Why? Because she rarely lets me go out with friends. I even lie about my friends of the opposite gender. Even if totally platonic, she gets mad and makes things hard on me, to the point that I change the names of my girl friends (in a platonic sense) to guy's names. When she finds out I lied, the cursing begins. Being human, I get riled up as well and start raising my voice (but I never curse her, not even tame ones like 'stupid'), or becoming sarcastic. When that happens, she'd start hitting me. She'll justify it by saying I agitated her by raising my voice, being sarcastic, etc. (I never hit her back, no matter how much I wanted). When things settle, I ask her why she hit me, she'd answer that maybe I forgot what I did, that I deserve it, etc... 

As of the moment things are calm. I've put my life on hold (music and photography) and so am doing what she wants. I'm holding it all in til we get to counseling, even if just for the reason that I need a break from all the yelling, shouting, hitting, stuff throwing, etc...


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## briannak (Mar 12, 2009)

Honestly I would be upset about the affair mainly about her being pregnant, but the hitting, thats not good, and since she was doing it prior to the affair I would have ran a long time ago, taking your daughter with you.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

zero said:


> As of the moment things are calm. I've put my life on hold (music and photography) and so am doing what she wants. I'm holding it all in til we get to counseling, even if just for the reason that I need a break from all the yelling, shouting, hitting, stuff throwing, etc...


I don't think you understood my last post did you? Being a doormat in order to keep the peace is the last thing you should be doing. It's also the fastest way to get no sex as well, as I mentioned here.


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## zero (Mar 9, 2009)

I know, but it's the only way to get her to attend counseling... my last effort to make things work. If after counseling she still tries to control me, I would just up and leave without warning.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

zero said:


> I know, but it's the only way to get her to attend counseling... my last effort to make things work. If after counseling she still tries to control me, I would just up and leave without warning.


It might be you who needs the counselling the most, in that you put up with this for so long. But I take your point. If you are bending over *temporarily* to achieve a specific goal, then I applaud your deviousness. However, days turn into weeks, and weeks turn into months. Be watchful. As I said, means and ends are identical.


zero said:


> If after counseling she still tries to control me, I would just up and leave without warning.


Promise me this is true...

If you could really come to live and breath that, no body will ever be able to control you again. They will see it in your eyes and show you respect instead.

The principle I am espousing here are the ones that can allow people to fix their marriages without getting the other partner to join in or have therapy. When we ourselves change, our spouse automatically feels it. They have no choice - that's why it's called a relationship.


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## zero (Mar 9, 2009)

Yes, I do need counseling myself, I know. And this is temporary, since I am tired as well. A few more days left till our counseling date... 

Yes. After counseling, if she's still controlling and abusive, I have no choice but to put my foot down and call her bluff. Whatever happens, I am ready. I pray she realizes what I have been telling her since, this is a relationship. The good and bad, we should stick together. Be allies instead of enemies. Make things work together. Not leave it all to me...


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

zero-
Just keep coming back here with your updates. Having a support network is vital for people going through what you're going through.


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## zero (Mar 9, 2009)

Thanks MarkTwain. I'll update whatever happens! 2 days to go...


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