# At a total loss



## Hopeless in Michigan (Oct 21, 2009)

Where to begin? My wife of 20 years assumed her deceased brother's business about 5 years ago. Initially, it was a fairly simple way to bring in some extra income while contininuing her responsibilities as a wife and mother (3 girls, now ages 18, 14, and 9.) It's also important to note that our 14 year old is special needs (mild autism) and does require additional help and supervision. As the business began to grow slightly (she is a manufacturer's broker, with different manufacturer's products in various different store chains), she decided to ask the wife of a friend for some help. The job does require some limited travel (tradeshows) and occasional appointments, most withing fairly close proximity to our home. Now the tradeshows used to be a source for an occasional husband/wife getaway, as I would accompany her to some of the shows, allowing us some time away and to enjoy some nice destinations. However, when the additional help arrived, that ceased, with just the two of them traveling together now. I think it's important to mention that both women are around 40 and what I would consider VERY attractive. Well, beginning with the first trip they took together, the tone of the trips changed. The very first night, I awoke at 2:30 a.m. realizing I had not received a call from my wife, which is unusual when she's away. I attempted to phone her and was met with and EXTREMELY drunk wife. OK, we'll give her the benefit of the doubt here and call it a mistake that I hoped wouldn't reoccur. Well, as the trips continued (5-6 times per year with overnights, some up to 4 nights) it continued to be late nights, not answering phone calls, etc. Obviously, I became concerned and challenged her, especially on the not answering phone calls issue (she is still a mother, even if she's gone, especially with a special needs daughter that gets very nervous when mom's gone.) Anyway, I got the typical "you're just being paranoid, I'm in meetings, can't be bothered" response. Letting my curiousity get the best of me, I began looking at phone records (I hate myself for doing that but just couldn't resist.) What I found was LATE night calling a texting (1 - 3 a.m. at times.) Being further curious, I confirmed through a business card file that some or most of the late night calls and text were to and with other men. Now, these could be totally innocent, but certainly not behavior you would hope your spouse is involved in. Let's put it this way, I go on a few golf trips over the course of the year (my profession) and let me just say that most of you would be completely bored. It's golf all day, dinner after, and then back to the hotel or condo to bed. I don't do the stereotypical men's clubs or bars. And I always call when I'm in for the night. Not that I expect she has to behave exactly that way, there does seem to be an element of disrespect with how she handles her time away. Let's just say, if the roles were reversed I'm almost positive she would be concerned. I might also add here that. although she works hard, seems to be fairly good at what she does, and has added some new accounts, the money has exactly been pouring in. I've paid for my fair share of airline tickets, hotels, etc. without ever really getting reimbursed. Let's just say that on her most recent trip, I bought two airline tickets, was told she had lost her business credit card, and gave her mine which she proceeded to immediately (on her way to the airport) withdraw $100 cash, and pay for the hotel, cabs, etc. She basically was not financially prepared at all for this trip. More on financials later. Well, this has been going on for about 3 years now, with the strained relationship lasting beyond just the trip periods.

Now we'll get into a different part of the relationship. As I said, my wife is what I think most men would say is very attractive. Add to this, about 5 or 6 years ago, we decided she could have breast enhancement surgery. Now, with her new business partner, who is probably 5 foot something and weighing about 105 pounds, my wife who was never even considered to be close to overweight, had dropped her wait to the 110-115 range. The tops have become tighter - OK, tight - the jeans lower cut and the heals higher. Coupled with her job and behavior on trips, I began to get concerned, jealous, etc. Keep in mind, our first 17 years of marriage were about as good as you could as for, minus some personal tragedies and issues that we dealt with together (her mother died 11 years ago, she actually had to inner ear surgeries to remove what ended up being a cyst, causing her to permanently lose her hearing in one ear; her brother commited suicide 5 years ago, and my father experienced extended medial stays after open heart surgery, and has since been moved to assisted care living, requiring me to assume guardian and conservatorship - oh, and my mother had a stroke a week after we got my dad moved). Needless to say, we've probably been through more than average. We're now in situation where my place of employment has just been sold, bringing along with that concerns about my job.

Anyway, as the relationship continued to become strained, both our behaviors began to change. I'd find myself meeting friends for drinks (but never late nights), she'd go out with friends more often, etc. She also befriended what she explained as a long lost distant cousin at a funeral last fall. This relationship grew into something more and different, as I personally counted over 160 calls and texts (I can't tell exactly when calls from the other number occur, as they all come in "unknown" or "blocked". The phone number associated was in a different part of the state, and there were more frequent "business" trips to that area. I also saw on her phone during this period of frequent calling pictures my wife took of herself in sexually provocative outfits. I questioned her on those and as told they were for me, although I never received any. I've never met this long lost distant cousin, and my only certain evidence of anyone associated with the phone # are a couple of emails between that phone #, my wife's email, and another email with the name John contained in it. I no longer have the ability to monitor my wife's phone as she has changed it to her own private account (which I of course pay for with automatic monthly credit card payments.)

As you can see, although I'm certain I'm being paranoid about some things, I have some reason for concern. I have also caught her in a lie about where she was for the day, saying she was going one place and ending up in another. She even continued to lie about after I knew exactly where she was (well, geographically anyway - I'm not sure exactly where or with whom.)

Add to all of this, I have been basically cut off sexually, having had sex with my wife once so far in the year 2009.

How have I responded? Lately, not very well. In December, secretly approached her business partner, who I would consider to have been a good friend at the time, to talk about what was going on and what she might know. We did discuss some very personal issues regarding my wife, which was probably crossing the line on my part, but I was becoming very confused, paranoid, etc. My wife did find out about the meeting and became VERY upset, which I don't necessarily blame her for. Also, I have been caught trading somewhat flirtatious emails through FACEBOOK with an old school friend (I have since deleted my FACEBOOK account and no longer partake, having never got together with this other woman), I have been caught in flirtatious emails with a neighbor friend of my brother's who lives in a different state, but there has never been any sort of physical contact between the two of us; I also got caught making out with the neighbor's wife in our garage after having been out with the two couples and having WAY too much to drink. (As we've found out, her husband was inside the house working on my wife - they are now known swingers.) All of these instances happened in about a 3-4 month period, April - July. There are no relationships from these, no further contact, although I do receive an occasional phone call or email from my brother's neighbor, although she lives over 1000 miles away.

I have since been asked to leave the house, which I have reluctantly done off and on between February and current, and am currently staying with a friend. My wife and I are both seeing counselors, but I can't say I've personally felt any change in the way she treats me. There are no hugs, kissing is out, and sex is a distant memory. I do try and hug her and tell her I love her everytime I see her, but if I didn't initiate, it wouldn't happen. Financially, her business continues to just sort of plod along, although they may be on the verge of something big. But financially, my wife is completely inept and I'm concerned if she starts making lots of money, she'll spend it even faster. I would also like to point out that my wife has received over $2000 in NSF fees in 2009 for lack of funds to cover checks or charges. Yes, I said $2000, three just yesterday.

I don't know where to start or what to do. She maintains total innocence on the infidelity part of things, but this financial situation is about to put us into insolvency.

Please help. I don't want a divorce. I adore my children and they adore me. And I do love my wife. I have not allowed myself, other than the kissing in the garage, to even once be involved in any sort of extra-marital sexual relationship. Yes, I've responded a few times when some showed some interest, but when you don't receive it from your own wife, you begin to question yourself.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I'm sorry but things don't look good. Your wife was already on the way out the door and then you screwing up and getting caught in such a stupid and compromising position (I mean, why would she believe it had only been kissing if you were brazen enough to do it in the garage??), allowed her to blame you and make you the bad guy. You made some strategic errors in not finding out everything you could about her other associates, however you had to do it, and focus on her apparent infidelity.

I'd suggest you seek a lawyer and cut ties financially if she is really as inept as you state. 

I'd also suggest that you back off from her completely. Just focus on your children.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

If she cares about the marriage and still loves you; you can work on your marriage. If she does not love you and says she wants out for sure, then you need to move on.

I sure wish you would not have recipricated your unhappiness with the flirting and kissing; you lost some integrity there and you weakened your position. You did right by checking her phone though and you gotta wonder why she got a private phone of her own (WARNING: Red Flag There).

Again, if you both want to save your marriage, it's time to have a long conversatoin and get it all out on the table. If she can't be honest, you can't fix this. Go with your gut instinct on this one; if you feel she has cheated, tell her to fess up to it so you can both move forward.


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