# Dear Chump Lady, How do you confront a cheater?



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Great advice from @chumplady

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Dear Chump Lady, How do you confront a cheater?

March 21, 2016 by Chump Lady

_Dear Chump Lady,

When you discover cheating, how do you break the news?

I’m a strong person. I help domestic violence victims, I have an answer for everything. I don’t know left from right today.

Today I’m rereading emails my other half sent to a woman he believed was a Craigslist honey wanting to get naughty with him. ( I made an email address and messaged the Craigslist ad I suspected was him and low and behold….)

I took the opportunity to gently quiz him about his past with Craigslist, so “I know what to expect when we meet and am waiting to hear back what his sexual limits for the meeting will be” and he described other sexual adventures he ran off on while I was sitting at home 2 years ago pregnant and thinking I had this great future ahead of me with him.

The above mentioned time period is where I used to reflect back, to remind myself that he once loved me when I don’t understand why he’s indifferent and withdrawn. He’s withdrawn because he’s focused on porking pigs.

I am braced for the retaliation and epic smear campaign that is going to happen when I approach him. I’m just not sure how to break the newsflash to him.

Thank you for all your writings. They have helped me wrap my brain around this situation and lace up my F.U. combat boots.

Jenn_

Dear Jenn,

Oh hey, why don’t you “break the news” to him in the kind, gentle way in which he broke it to you?

Sucker punch him.

Line up your ducks and see a lawyer, so you can hit him hard and fast on your way out the door. Unfortunately, that means being a very good actress for a little while.

The first thing you must do is disabuse yourself of the notion that you’re going to have a nice chat about his Craigslist adventures, and he’ll see sense and recommit to his marriage and family. That’s not going to happen. (And on the very small chance you could have a unicorn, it’s not going to happen without severe consequences.) Start lining up the consequences and PROTECT YOURSELF.

You already seem to know what you’re dealing with if you think he’ll react with a “smear campaign.” All the more reason to prepare carefully.

(read the rest here)


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

CL is the bees knees.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Maxo said:


> CL is the bees knees.


That she is....


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

"All the Reconciliation Industrial Complex advice aside, having an “honest conversation” about his extracurriculars, “Hey honey, tell me how your needs for stranger sex weren’t being met…” — is setting yourself up for MORE manipulation."

-only wish more folks knew this part.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> "All the Reconciliation Industrial Complex advice aside, having an “honest conversation” about his extracurriculars, “Hey honey, tell me how your needs for stranger sex weren’t being met…” — is setting yourself up for MORE manipulation."
> 
> -only wish more folks knew this part.


CL has a way of making things crystal clear doesn't she? She is a great resource for BSs.......I hope BSs on TAM read her stuff regularly...


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> "All the Reconciliation Industrial Complex advice aside, having an “honest conversation” about his extracurriculars, “Hey honey, tell me how your needs for stranger sex weren’t being met…” — is setting yourself up for MORE manipulation."
> 
> -only wish more folks knew this part.


Amen.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> "All the Reconciliation Industrial Complex advice aside, having an “honest conversation” about his extracurriculars, “Hey honey, tell me how your needs for stranger sex weren’t being met…” — is setting yourself up for MORE manipulation."
> 
> -only wish more folks knew this part.












(I really did try to find a GIF of John Candy clapping. Alas, Google has failed me.)


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> (I really did try to find a GIF of John Candy clapping. Alas, Google has failed me.)


I'm sure John Candy loved Meryl, too.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> I'm sure John Candy loved Meryl, too.


Your post seems to be a popular one - Here is another one for you...lol


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

joannacroc said:


> Amen.


Chumplady helps BSs see their worth at a time when they feel they have none...she cuts through the bullsh!t to give the hard truth to folks...


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I wish I'd found CL and TAM on DDay. It was about a month afterwards that I stumbled upon TAM, and TAM ultimately pointed me to CL. But it was too late for me not to have made all the rookie mistakes. CL did, too. That's how she knows.


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Chumplady helps BSs see their worth at a time when they feel they have none...she cuts through the bullsh!t to give the hard truth to folks...


I would love it if she ran that long post by wishes through her UBT.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Nomorebeans said:


> I wish I'd found CL and TAM on DDay. It was about a month afterwards that I stumbled upon TAM, and TAM ultimately pointed me to CL. But it was too late for me not to have made all the rookie mistakes. CL did, too. That's how she knows.


She is a great resource for newbie BSs and helping them process the flood of emotions...whats great is she took her bad experiences and uses them to HELP other people...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I like her stuff and I like her webpage. 

She doesn't like me though, so I avoid posting there.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Pluto2 said:


> "All the Reconciliation Industrial Complex advice aside, having an “honest conversation” about his extracurriculars, “Hey honey, tell me how your needs for stranger sex weren’t being met…” — is setting yourself up for MORE manipulation."
> 
> -only wish more folks knew this part.


yeah, why do therapists and other advisors support this (useless) tool of communication / negotiation.

The only result I find in having an "open honest dialogue" with someone is that I have just given them the rope with which to hang me.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> yeah, why do therapists and other advisors support this (useless) tool of communication / negotiation.
> 
> The only result I find in having an "open honest dialogue" with someone is that I have just given them the rope with which to hang me.


Chumplady offers a clear alternative to the reconciliation school of thought..and she does so with style lol


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