# So I have moved downstairs



## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

I was asking some questions and sharing my story in the general forum and the ladies lounge. But guess I am here with you peeps now.
So quick background. Married 1.5 years. Just bought a new house in Sept. 09. Since we were married my wife is become distant and I feel neglecting of me. I became so hurt internally and due to lack of affection I had thoughts about having an affair. Went around online and looked at sites just to see what all is out there. As this continued on I could feel my soul dieing inside. I knew I couldn't go through with it besides I wanted the woman I married not all this bs. So I confessed to her about these thoughts. Well what I didn't know till later is she snooped my computer ; and yes I understand why she would do this. 
Well Fast forward a little bit. I started going to school fulltime on top of working full time. Whenever I came home the wife was always tired and moody. Affection became very few and far between. This really hurt. I never was told any nice things. Sex was pretty vanilla when it happened. She would just lay there =/ .
I found out acouple of months ago a lie my wife told that caused some unnecessary drama for me. The lie was really about nothing. I can understand lieing for a reason. 
The other night I went looking for my wife's phone cause I couldn't get mine to dl a cd. Well couldn't find it literally anywhere. This made me wonder why she would hide it. So the following day at work I looked at the data usage on her phone and she had hundreds if not thousands (not exaggerating) of text msgs going to this number in another city. I know we don't know anyone there. Come to find out later on it was the cell number to her coworker's son whom I have met once. That one time being when I spent my weekend moving his mom out of her apartment to a house way out in the country.
Well I had to go home. I couldn't think how she could spend all morning , noon , and night chatting it up with another man while I worked 40+ hrs a week and went to school fulltime.
Well I went to look at her phone that evening and I think she knew what I was looking for. Her first words were " give me my phone back or ill leave". Well it all blew up and she left. 
Friday I get a call at work and its her asking if I mind coming to the house and grabbing a few things. Told her to wait till I got there before entering. Immediately I called the police to meet me there because last thing I need is for her to get back in my face and ask me to hit her. I think she is looking for a reason to leave. 
I know the thoughts about having an affair was wrong but I think its human nature that if your being neglected you think this way. I think I am a good man. I work hard. She has gotten pretty much everything she has wanted even though it is usually me paying for it "that old was yours is mine and what mine is mine" is ringing in a little right now. 
Well she left came back once and got a bunch of clothes, desktop , books , and pictures. 
What I need to know is where do I go from here? I have already gone around and worked on our accounts to reduce costs because I know I will have to make house payment and pay all the other bills. Do I just give her time and let her be? Do I need to worry about protecting what little I have? Do I give her time to see the grass isnt necessarily greenier? How long before I let myself move on ? 
I recently purchased P90X fitness set. Now that I have more time by myself and don't have to worry about disturbing my "roommate" . I plan on doing the 90 day challenge and get back into the shape I used to be before I took on so much responsibiliy. Please someone just let me know I am not crazy =P


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## J34 (Jan 10, 2010)

Okay first reply on this website, so hope I give you the slightest bit of peace: you are definitly not crazy. Even though I don't know you guys, I think some time alone will benefit the both of you: giving her time might actually make her realize how much she loves you and how the grass isn't always greener on the other side. With all relationships there are problems, but you know they are worth fighting for when the good out weigh the bad! I'm sure when your wife found out what you were looking at over the internet she was already feeling lonely/neglected & probably has been holding some resentment all this time. Talking to other guys is just a way to feel like she means something to somebody when shes not feeling loved enough in the relationship. They probably don't mean a thing to her, just a little boost in her self confidence and someone to keep her company. Not inferring it's your fault, but us females can be emotionally needy/my husband is my best friend but has to work a lot and on top of that we have opposite shifts which makes it hard! It seems like you two also have busy schedules, working and school: so make sure when you guys do see each other in the little time you get that you don't fight over little things and continue to communicate. I think the reason why most marraiges and relationships fail is from a lack of communication. And you have to remember you can't just expect those feelings of intimacy and excitement you guys had in the very beginning of the relationship to just always be there without a little work. This is still a new marriage and I think you guys will be able to work this out and hopefully look back at all of this in 50+ years strong, wrinkly, and still in love


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

I understand your point on the whole thought of affair thing. This has been over a yr ago. She is ALWAYS like this. She has thought of ending the marriage the day I told her that. There is no fight or will coming from her for this. Yes I work a lot but she knew that and I knew that. The only reason why i work fulltime and go to school fulltime is cause I knew in the beginning of this relationship I had to prepare myself to be the sole bread winner if/when the day came she became pregnant. I am not doing all this cause I like it in the least. Yea I am glad I am getting trained in a specialized field but come on. It is like doing doubles when you exercise. 
I want this to work. I have asked her to go to counciling with me but she won't. Since she is gone I went ahead and I am making an appointment for myself. I don't know if this is salvageable. I have been working my ass off at it. I never let her go to work or to bed without telling her I love her and she is the world to me. But I know one person by themself can only go so far and so long. I try to always ask her how her day was. I even try talk about our relationship to make sure there are no issues. From her actions and words over the last few months , I would have to be a fool to see she wasn't up for the task at hand. 
But she can have all the time she wants. I feel like I have been kicked in the chest and had my man items stepped on. I am tired. Of trying , crying , and caring. I am not saying it is over. But if its not this is going to be a very long road. Ty for the reply btw I do appreciate it.


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## J34 (Jan 10, 2010)

Even though you didn't have an affair, she may consider all of what you have done just as worse. Everyone is different and some people take much longer to forgive/forget than others. Even though i don't know the exact hurt you are going through(unable to sleep at night or function properly at school/work etc.), i know you need to remain patient. Because all the love/hard work you two have already invested in this relationship there is not a quick fix...so just please do not expect an immediate response from her and everything to be back to how it one was. Time heals everything, but if you do not give up and continue to pursue this marraige, eventually she might give in and you guys can slowly start repairing all the things that have been slowly cutting down this relationship in the first place. Theres nothing anyone can say that can change the actual situation occurring in your life, just poeple to give advice that may help the decisions you make and your reaction to things. And i'm sorry if this is not any help, i guess i just really wanted to let you know youre not alone and there truley are a lot of caring people on here. And that love is such a beautiful thing...and if you can remember when you two were deeply in love i think it's worth waiting for/slowly fighting for in the chance you guys can obtain that again. maybe today was a crappy one and you got kicked in the face but tomorrows a new day and anything is possible, you have control over your destiny by the decisions you make. stay strong, okay!


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## Flooring (Jan 27, 2010)

It really hard for you. I'm in the simliar situation. Not cheating but catching in lies. I too have no sex and the temtation is there. You have to resit it. Did she admit it was cheating? She may have been just confinding in him for support like your doing here. I'm unsure how to advise you to proceed. That lack of feeling of love is very hard. It as if your just going through the motions. I'm working on getting through the lies but in the back of your mind you always thinking the worse. Some times it is other times your mind is playing trick on you.


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

It would not have been bad if I had known that she was even talking to him. This kind caught me out the blue. It has been going on for months. I wouldn't have been upset the only problem is she didn't tell me anything and I know a little bit about the guy. He is around age 20. He lives at home with his dad. He is addicted hardcore to WoW (video games). Plus from what I have visual seen he has a lot of resentment towards his mother. Normally she talks about her friends but with this I didn't know. 
The night I looked at her phone all I keep hearing is the very first words out of her mouth " give me my phone back or ill leave" That caught me off guard and it speaks such huge volume. There is something there for sure. 
And our marriage hasn't been right for months. I have been trying and with the latest development I am ready to stop worrying about her so much and finally focus on me a little. 
I have also decided to go see a marriage counselor just to be able to tell her whats been going on and see what they recommend. Btw ty you both for the replies. Just talking about this mass of wth helps.


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## J34 (Jan 10, 2010)

eh, what is she thinking?! most of the people that are into world of warcraft have issues and no "real" life. an old friend of my husband told his parents he would "kill himself" if they ever tried to stop him from playing. WEIRD. anyways that sounds good, Focus on you time!


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

Well I talked to her mother last night. She lives 3.5 hrs away in another state. I apologized for calling she said it was ok she wanted to call me, So got to talking and she told me what my wife said happened. She didn't even comment to her mother that it was about her sending thousands of text messages to another man constantly. I think her jaw dropped. See wife's parents divorced when she was 6. Her dad had an affair. Mom got a divorce she wasn't having any of that. The woman he ran off with he had 2 children with her. That wasn't working so he moved back home to another state.
It really pisses me off that she can't tell the truth/whole truth to me or even her own mother. I know I probably shouldn't of called but I love her mom just as much as I love my own. Since my wife and I have been together I have been doing all I can for her mom. Not because I wanted to impress the future wife or that I felt I had to but I could see how kind of a lady she was and it had been a very long time since she had someone do nice things for her. I told her last night if this marriage deep sixes I would like to keep in contact with her and be able to send her xmas gifts still. I know if she has to she will side with her daughter but tbh I am too the point this is over. The lies , sneaking behind my back , and the total disrespect of everyone involved. I feel she started this relationship off with lies.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you called his father and mother yet to tell them he's having an affair with a married woman old enough to be his mother?

Do it TONIGHT!


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

Yea his mother divorced his father after 15 yrs and decided to get gastro and a tummy tuck . She got into abusive relationships and now her son resents his mom for being such a drunk. I am not calling anyone I am getting a divorce there is no resolve to be here. She got upset when I asked if I could get my mom's house key back. Asking " do you think I could really do that ?". Well you lead me on a good game and screwed me . No I don't know what your capable of.


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

btw my mom was the one concerned about it . and yes i changed them for her.


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