# Could use some outside perspectives



## TM32 (Dec 29, 2014)

My husband (36) and I (32) have been married about 3.5 years, after dating for two years(one while living together). In retrospect we probably married too soon, having had pretty much nothing but good times under our belts.

Post marriage has been a different story. I started grad school while continuing to work full time the Fall after we married. He was working nights, and we were never able to spend enough time together. About a year later, he was fired/let go from his job which he hated anyhow. I figured this was ok, given that we met at work,and I knew he was a solid employee for years before our friendship and relationship ever developed. He was going through a rough patch mentally, and I told him to take some time, get well first, not to worry, etc.

I figured he would get another job, but here we are two and a half years later and he is still unemployed. He has applied for jobs but not many. He says he will get a job in the new year, but has said that before... I have been supporting our household singlehandedly, currently piecing together three part time jobs to make ends meet. I also end up doing about 3/4 of housework. He is better at house help sometimes more than others, but often he just doesn't notice or care to, and by the time I get home, it is filthy and I cannot relax or even make dinner unless I do some cleaning. Also alcohol has been a problem for us. I have stopped drinking entirely, but he still drinks very heavily, says he will stop in the new year. He is an insomniac and deeply depressed, but refuses to seek external help in terms of medical help or counseling, even if it were to be couples counseling.We fight almost daily, and I am at a loss for how long to hold out for change. 

I feel trapped, but I do still love him and think he is a good man at heart. I feel like there is so much more to life than I am able to experience, being limited by my husband's issues. We never go out, have few friends. I know a lot of this is my fault, as I am shy, and also just finished grad school, so just now have had time to miss a social life.
When sober, and just hanging out together we still have good times, they are just fewer these days. I also have a step kid we have partial custody of, and I have grown so very close to her over the past years, it would be unbearable to lose her. 

How long do I wait for change? How do I encourage my husband without making him feel bad or guilty about the past few years? Has anyone out there been in a situation like this that ended well? Thanks for the support.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your husband snore or make gasping noises when he sleeps?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How much time does he spend on the computer?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would move his stuff out of the bedroom, box it up, tell him to sleep on the couch until he becomes a contributing member of the household and gets therapy for his depression, and stop taking care of him. Let him wash his own clothes. Let him cook his own food. Buy paper plates and throw them away after every meal. And if nothing changes after THAT, kick him out.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Somehow, you have become his mommy figure. Start separating his stuff from yours. Cook and clean after yourself, and start open your own bank account, and just provide him enough food to live on. If he wants money, make him find a job for it. If this persists, when your lease is up, move out on your own. It will force him to take action, and leave him with no choices. If he wants to stay with you, then he should seek help for the depression. If things reach the point of no return, end the marriage. This is suppose to be a partnership, not mother and son.


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