# I'm about to lose it rant.



## bojangles (Oct 11, 2016)

The WW and I have been separated for a few months now. We don't talk. I cannot prove adultery in court (but she's admitted to it). Filing uncontested using mutual consent as the grounds requires a separation agreement is in place. I sent her a fair, clean break, no b.s. agreement early last week and asked if we could have it in place by week's end. She said "probably". I said, "please give me a definitive date." Maybe I didn't say it that nicely but still wanted a definitive date to have it in place. She said, "I can't do that right now but will let you know when I can." No kids, assets or property to be fought over. She has agreed we should have a "smooth, fast and cheap" divorce and then drags her feet when I try to get the process moving...wtf? 

She is insane. We are trying to do this without attorneys. It is a pretty bureaucratic process to properly file and serve papers w/out a lawyer but it can be done. I was going to do all the heavy lifting. She likely doesn't understand the process well enough to execute it to a judge's satisfaction, nor have the inclination to research/learn it. The courthouse is a major inconvenience for both of us and would require 1/2 day off of work. Now, I wait for her to get around to the separation agreement, whenever it might suit her fancy...or another 8 months so I can use different grounds. 

She did this when I wanted to get some items back from our old apartment too. "When can I get them?" "Sunday" Sunday rolls around, I call, no answer. Texts back, "Sorry, can't today". She's trying to imply that her affair schedule is so spur of the moment, that any and all business regarding separation or divorce must be tentative in case OM has a window to get away. I've know about the affair for so long that it can't hurt me any deeper. I know they're getting it on every chance they can, big deal. Now she's twisting the knife, leaving me dead in the water to take action to divorce her. I don't care about dignity, respect or winning. I just want to get the paperwork moving for some semblance of some fvcking closure and she stonewalls. She knows I can be impatient and is doing this to punish me...for her affair...that's my fault because I didn't meet her emotional need to be a gd fairy princess. 

Getting a lawyer right now is a waste of money. In time she'll probably get one and then I'll have to...and there's no assets to fight over!!! It's either separation agreement or wait 8 months. Or blow a couple grand on a PI to _maybe_ prove adultery and file under that. 

Arghhh!!!! F the 180, I'm getting smashed tonight.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So stop caring. Quit being in such a hurry. Move on with your life and forget about wanting to be divorced so badly. In the grand scheme of things, what does it matter if you're divorced or not? All it is is a piece of paper.


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## bojangles (Oct 11, 2016)

I wish it were that easy for me, but I will have to learn to not care, it's really the only option right now.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yes it sounds like it is.

So, how are you going to do it? How are you going to NOT CARE?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

at this point she needs to feel pain as well, find out the OM name and tell his wife about the affair that will certainly get her attention.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> So stop caring. Quit being in such a hurry. Move on with your life and forget about wanting to be divorced so badly. In the grand scheme of things, what does it matter if you're divorced or not? All* it is is a piece of paper*.


In the finger/hand game, "Paper, Scissor, Rock"........*the Paper* beats the snot out of the Rock. He is the Rock....sadly Limestone. The drip-drip from her [fire-her] hose erodes away at him.
.................................................................................................................................................

Divorce:

It represents 1/2 of finality and closure.

The other 1/2 is indifference. True to its definition it is indifferent to its new owner's timeline.


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## bojangles (Oct 11, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> Yes it sounds like it is.
> 
> So, how are you going to do it? How are you going to NOT CARE?


Well, I just started IC. He hasn't told me anything I've yet to read online...reading this forum has been more helpful than him, but I'll keep going until my free visits are used up under my employer's plan. I might seek out a psychiatrist to see if I should get on meds or just push through without. I have a general checkup coming soon and will ask for a referral or just straight up ask my GP for anti anxiety meds...which they're typically stingy with, I've heard. I've been going to local support groups for NMMNG and newly separated/divorced people in my area and those help. 

Need to start meditating more, diet, exercise, etc. Only been batting about .500 on that. Thursday I'm getting my car inspected to be an uber, so I can do that in my spare time.

Today just sucks for some reason and I felt like ranting. 



Xenote said:


> at this point she needs to feel pain as well, find out the OM name and tell his wife about the affair that will certainly get her attention.


This is complicated because of my own stupidity. I've made multiple attempts. Last spring, when I found out where he lived I showed up at the house and confronted him. The next day I sent him "haha" type texts/emails a few hours after informing their bosses. I don't deal w/ anger well. He replied do not call, text or email me, do not come by my house. If I go by the house, it may be considered harassment, especially w/out hard evidence of the affair. I just have some flirtatious emails/texts for proof...along w/ her admission but I don't have that recorded. I got OMW cell through other means and left a vm back in the spring. Have tried multiple times since to no avail. It is possible that she knows and does not care. I know that OMW has a daughter that is 15-16 and OM is not the father, and they've been married 20+ years. Maybe it's an open marriage. I've tried to connect on facebook to no avail. I got OM's mother in law friended on FB and told her he's having an affair. She said she found that hard to believe and unfriended. 

I keep telling myself is that it's actually a good thing I screwed up so badly in trying to save the marriage. That she has a history of lying/deceit and it wasn't going to get better. I don't think I'm good marriage material either, or at least in my current state. One night, before the affair was confessed, she never came home. Next morning I said, "If I ever pull some b.s. like that, I don't want to hear one word" and left it at that. I was saving it as a get out of jail free card, should I ever get the opportunity to stray. I also remember that night, around 11-12, knowing in my gut that an affair was taking place. I was somewhat aloof, because I liked having the apartment to myself. She was smothering me. 

I'd even contemplated walking out before the affair surfaced. It's like it sucked me back in or something. Like my ego refused to let OM win...which he eventually did anyway. I dunno why I'm having so hard of a time getting over something that I kind of wanted, deep down, in the first place. Before WW, I was in a LTR of 3-4 years and WW and I were together over 8. I've been in committed relationships for the better part of the last decade so there's the obvious co dependency, coupled with single life just being very unfamiliar right now.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

well then given your feedback, the other option is waiting for him to show up at your place (former place) and then go up to him and take a picture of them together and then tell him that now you have proof jerk. yes it time on your side to wait, at least it will move her faster to finish the paper work..and OM realizes he is screwed


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

OM didn't win. He got your wife. You, my friend, won.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

If you hire an attorney, you can get the divorce done with ZERO cooperation from her. I did just that when I divorced my second husband. We had NOTHING, sad as that is. He never responded to being served or anything else the entire time, and before I knew it, I was divorced.


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## bojangles (Oct 11, 2016)

WorkingOnMe said:


> OM didn't win. He got your wife. You, my friend, won.


Thanks for seeing it that way.


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## bojangles (Oct 11, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> If you hire an attorney, you can get the divorce done with ZERO cooperation from her. I did just that when I divorced my second husband. We had NOTHING, sad as that is. He never responded to being served or anything else the entire time, and before I knew it, I was divorced.


I can go that route, if needed, in about 8 months. My state requires 1 year "cooling off" period, UNLESS you have a separation agreement and it's uncontested on the grounds of mutual consent. I've probably blown my cover for what state I live in, but it's pretty populous so who cares. On the exceptionally slim odds that someone from my daily life has identified me, how are you liking the show thus far?


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> In the grand scheme of things, what does it matter if you're divorced or not? All it is is a piece of paper.


It matters to quality dates and potential relationship partners.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

browser said:


> It matters to quality dates and potential relationship partners.


What, that the divorce isn't final? Really? I'd beg to differ about the adjective 'quality' in that case.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> What, that the divorce isn't final? Really? I'd beg to differ about the adjective 'quality' in that case.


Experienced daters such as myself know that a person who is still married is a huge risk on so many levels.

1- The person may still be involved with their spouse, to a much greater degree then they let on
2- If things have broken down recently - indicated by no divorce- then there still may be a lot of emotions at play and the person may not yet be ready for a new relationship
3- The emotional/mental/physical/financial turmoil and toll taken by a divorce can rip even the best person to pieces, metaphorically speaking of course, and hopefully the effect is temporary but at any rate if they have yet to go through it, it's not the time to be getting to know them and expect any sort of stability.

Again, these things may or may not apply to the Op but my point is a potential partner doesn't know if they do and if they're smart they won't take his word for it because *surprise*.. people lie.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Start dating and acting like your're single. Who cares about her. Her dragging her feet just means you can't get married soon. Big deal.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> Her dragging her feet just means you can't get married soon.


I sure hope that "getting married soon" part isn't going to be an issue.

I will never understand why and how people can rationalize getting married after their first marriage has crashed and burned. Especially given the much higher failure rate of subsequent marriages. You can't argue the statistics.

It's not like things weren't just as great with their first spouse when they exchanged vows, they never would have guessed things would have gone downhill the way they did, and here they are years later, jumping out of the frying pan and right back into the frying pan for no reason other than "getting married sounds like a good idea otherwise why would so many people do it" or "well it's socially acceptable people will look at us funny if we aren't husband and wife" or even more twisted "marriage signifies a greater commitment then just living together and sharing expenses" (even though cheating and ultimate divorce happen in about half of all marriages).


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## bojangles (Oct 11, 2016)

browser said:


> It matters to quality dates and potential relationship partners.


Not really looking for those right now but yeah, from the day you file, it's still a 4-5 month wait. Don't want to be moved on emotionally in 4-5 months, THEN start paperwork. 



browser said:


> Experienced daters such as myself know that a person who is still married is a huge risk on so many levels.
> 
> Again, these things may or may not apply to the Op but my point is a potential partner doesn't know if they do and if they're smart they won't take his word for it because *surprise*.. people lie.


Yes, I'm thinking I should be the plantif no matter what. If anyone goes digging into my records (not hard to do these days) being the defendant, even for mutual consent, looks less favorable. 



GuyInColorado said:


> Start dating and acting like your're single. Who cares about her. Her dragging her feet just means you can't get married soon. Big deal.


I'm not as extreme as you bro! I've read the PUA books, the red pill stuff too. It makes sense but I remain skeptical, kind of like w/ the Satanic Bible. Ever take that out for a spin? I need to be alone for awhile, it just kinda sucks right now.


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## bojangles (Oct 11, 2016)

browser said:


> I sure hope that "getting married soon" part isn't going to be an issue.
> .


nope. never going to marry again. at least on this continent. 

Fred On Everything


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

bojangles said:


> nope. never going to marry again. at least on this continent.
> 
> Fred On Everything


I see two misconceptions in that article you quoted. As far as why not to get married, which is the general theme of the article, it's spot on. 

However

1- A prenup even one that is "iron clad" does not necessarily protect either party, prenups are overturned and deemed void ALL the time, and even if it's upheld you still gotta pay to fight the other person who is trying to get around it. 

Getting married is indeed pointless as the article states however those who say "Marriage is the ultimate commitment and blah blah freaking blah" and then go and sign a prenup deserve what they get in the end.

2- Even if you don't get married but you decide to have children, she'll STILL get sole custody and the house and the guy will get occasional visitation but quite often will ultimately lose contact with his children while paying through the nose, through no fault of his own, other than of course his poor decision to have children in the first place.


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