# I physically hurt my wife.... where do we go from here....



## Mr.Moxie

The other day my wife and I got into the worst fight yet, and for the first time there are real physical repercussions, and I just don't know what to do or where to truly go from here.

Some background, About 2 years ago I moved to Missouri and married my wife. The pay and labor in the area was not good however so we moved back up to Minnesota after 6 months, where I was able to regain partial employment at my previous Job, and full time at a new Job. Since then, nearly 1.5 years, I have been working 7 days a week and both Jobs. My wife had a Job the first 4 months we were up here. The Plan was to work and get our debts paid off. After 4 months she became pregnant, and stopped working. She had a very rough pregnancy, and with me working 7 days a week it would have been hard for her to keep a job going through it. Our son is now 6 months old, it has been fairly stressful like It is for most new parents. The entire time of us being up here, my wife has been unhappy. At first I thought it was the Pregnancy, the fact that she didn't have allot of friends or family up in Minnesota. We have had some pretty bad fights the last year and a half. I know know my wife gets very depressed sometimes, and I do as well. Mix in a 7 day work week, and a 6 month old and a tight budget and you can see why there will be stress. We are moving in April to my mother and Fathers in West Virginia. My wife is ecstatic about this Idea, and one of my jobs is letting me work remote, so I am happy as the provider that I will be working only 5 days a week, and by extension of living near to family again, my son will have an occasional free babysitter in grandma, and my wife and I will have weekends back. All that being said, the fights with my wife has been more frequent. It has been a horrible winter and she has been stuck inside allot with our son. I did get her a Gym membership so she can work out, which is helping her with the depression she says, but the fights with her are still frequent, and exhausting, and recently I have even used the D word in frustration at the situation. Both of us come from strong christian backgrounds, so the idea of divorce is very contrary to our nature. I took a tough it out attitude, blaming winter, depression, and my 7 day work week on the fights, and have just been trying to make it to April. And then Sunday happened, and I'm at a loss what to do. My marriage feels soiled and tainted, and I have been both Angry and Ashamed for days and I don't know what to do. I am normally a cup half full guy, chipper and one to see the silver lining. Now things just seem destroyed.

I will recount the fight from my perspective as best I can. My wife woke up and was in a sour mood. I had the weekend off for valentines, normally I work 7 days a week, something I know contributes to this situation. We rent the lower level from an elderly lady that goes to my old church. It is a full level with Kitchen, Shower, etc. We do share the washer and dryer however, and the land lady had left clothes in the washer. That's what started the fight, I always am irritated and tired of hearing her talk about things like that, as if complaining about it does anything for anybody. She had some clothes that had to be washed that day for an event that evening. To me, if it was that important they be washed, she would have done it the day or days before hand. 

Our fights always seem to follow the same pattern, we argue a point for a while, then I see its pointless and stop talking, asking to be left alone, or that we should just agree to disagree. She always continues on talking, we both slowly get more and more angry. Eventually a few swear words slip out, not in calling each-other them, just as expletives.

After about an hour of arguing, I started to shut down emotionally, this is usually what hurts her the worst. In the past I try to leave the house, or go to sleep. She always tries to block my path or stop my from leaving. Its led to some shoving before just to get her out of the way so I can leave the house, but nothing physically damaging or lasting. So finally feeling emotionally drained after fighting for so long, I said "Man I think I really do want a divorce." She started yelling more about my commitment to God, and how immature I was for not upholding it in wanting divorce. And I agreed with her completely, I have no intention of divorcing my wife. What I honestly thought was Lots of arranged married couples love each-other after a few years, and many couples divorce and re-marry because they are better able to cope with life later in life. So I said what I thought "Well I am married to you, and love you but I don't have to like you, so you do your thing and I'll do mine, and maybe I'll like you again when you are not acting crazy all the time." You can imagine this didn't turn out well. She was sitting behind me, stood up and started punching me in the back over and over. She has hit and kicked me a few times in different fights, maybe 2-3 instances over the last couple years, small outbursts, short lived. I know she shouldn't, but I'm a larger guy so usually I'm not really hurt anyway. This time thought she just kept hitting and hitting my back. I sat there thinking it was fine I would just take it until she stopped which is usually after 2-3 hits, but she kept hitting, and hitting the same spot enough, that it really did start to hurt, but I thought I'd just sit there and keep taking it. But something happened, I'm assuming an adrenaline rush, or an anger outburst, but I stood up so fast, spun around, grabbed my wife's head, put her in a extremely tight head lock, grappled her onto the couch, with my knee on her back, and screamed "Don't you ever hit me again do you understand me?", she replied "Yes" and I repeated " Do you understand me?" again louder, and she said "Yes" again, and I got off her. She started crying right away and holding her back where I had keeled on it. I hadn't tried to kneel on her back, it had just happen when I took her down to the couch. For the the scary part is that I don't remember it all that well, I don't remember at all make the decision to turn around and stand up, I barely remember grabbing her head and taking her down to the couch, and I barely remember screaming " Don't you ever hit me again!" and her Saying "Yes." The rest she retold me. I hope I was just stopping her from hitting me, but what if I had done more, I don't remember THINKING about any of it, it just seemed to happen. The only thing I remember thinking about, is after she said "yes" the second time, thinking I should stop before I really hurt her.

After I turned around and saw that my son was watching the whole thing. 6 month's old, and watching this. I picked up his walker and took it to the bedroom. I don't remember why I did that or thinking about it either. It was almost immediately after I let my wife go and saw him.

My wife sat on the floor crying for a little bit, she acted scared when I was first by her. I paced around the entire house angry, I felt so angry, I just wanted to break things and smash things. I wanted to run outside and just scream at the top of my lungs.

After a minute, I felt really overwhelmed and the gravity of the situation hit me. I felt sick to my stomach, and sat on the floor crying. I felt so ashamed that I had hurt my wife, and so ashamed right in from of our son. So ashamed that a fight over laundry had started the whole thing. So frustrated at everything. I just broke down crying. After a few minutes my wife crying called out to me and asked me to come hold her. I did, but I couldn't look at her in the face for a good 45 minutes, half the time spent just balling like a little kid, I don't think I've cried like that since I was a kid, I just felt really ashamed.

After a while we both said sorry, kissed and made up. But to me things are really different now when I think of my marriage, and worse, what affect might this all have on my son.

The last few days she keeps talking about her back, neck and jaw where I grabbed her. She keeps saying thing like she thinks I really hurt her. I feel such a mix of emotion when she talks about it, Anger at her, Anger at myself, shame, concern, desperation, its just making me depressed day in and out, and I think " I've really don't something horrible now that I can never take back. "

I will go to my grave, someone who physically abused his wife. It makes me not want to be married at all. To just hide and start a new life somewhere else. Where as before I saw allot of hope for the future, now things just seem ruined, and I don't even know if I wan't to be in the marriage anymore, things just keep getting worse and worse.

Does anyone have any Advice? Gone through something similar, anything?


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## Why Not Be Happy?

I think you guys should consider counseling.


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## mablenc

Yep, counseling, she's an abuser, you finally snapped. Don't let this get pinned on only you. She needs to be in therapy with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COGypsy

mablenc said:


> Yep, counseling, she's an abuser, you finally snapped. Don't let this get pinned on only you. She needs to be in therapy with you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In abusive relationships, couples counseling is never a good idea. It just gives the abuser(s) more ammo to use. You should both get into a good domestic violence support group and work out whatever it is that makes you think this is how presumably loving people behave. Once you get your heads on straight individually, then look at marriage counseling to see if you really are compatible.


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## Wolf1974

Mr.Moxie said:


> The other day my wife and I got into the worst fight yet, and for the first time there are real physical repercussions, and I just don't know what to do or where to truly go from here.
> 
> Some background, About 2 years ago I moved to Missouri and married my wife. The pay and labor in the area was not good however so we moved back up to Minnesota after 6 months, where I was able to regain partial employment at my previous Job, and full time at a new Job. Since then, nearly 1.5 years, I have been working 7 days a week and both Jobs. My wife had a Job the first 4 months we were up here. The Plan was to work and get our debts paid off. After 4 months she became pregnant, and stopped working. She had a very rough pregnancy, and with me working 7 days a week it would have been hard for her to keep a job going through it. Our son is now 6 months old, it has been fairly stressful like It is for most new parents. The entire time of us being up here, my wife has been unhappy. At first I thought it was the Pregnancy, the fact that she didn't have allot of friends or family up in Minnesota. We have had some pretty bad fights the last year and a half. I know know my wife gets very depressed sometimes, and I do as well. Mix in a 7 day work week, and a 6 month old and a tight budget and you can see why there will be stress. We are moving in April to my mother and Fathers in West Virginia. My wife is ecstatic about this Idea, and one of my jobs is letting me work remote, so I am happy as the provider that I will be working only 5 days a week, and by extension of living near to family again, my son will have an occasional free babysitter in grandma, and my wife and I will have weekends back. All that being said, the fights with my wife has been more frequent. It has been a horrible winter and she has been stuck inside allot with our son. I did get her a Gym membership so she can work out, which is helping her with the depression she says, but the fights with her are still frequent, and exhausting, and recently I have even used the D word in frustration at the situation. Both of us come from strong christian backgrounds, so the idea of divorce is very contrary to our nature. I took a tough it out attitude, blaming winter, depression, and my 7 day work week on the fights, and have just been trying to make it to April. And then Sunday happened, and I'm at a loss what to do. My marriage feels soiled and tainted, and I have been both Angry and Ashamed for days and I don't know what to do. I am normally a cup half full guy, chipper and one to see the silver lining. Now things just seem destroyed.
> 
> I will recount the fight from my perspective as best I can. My wife woke up and was in a sour mood. I had the weekend off for valentines, normally I work 7 days a week, something I know contributes to this situation. We rent the lower level from an elderly lady that goes to my old church. It is a full level with Kitchen, Shower, etc. We do share the washer and dryer however, and the land lady had left clothes in the washer. That's what started the fight, I always am irritated and tired of hearing her talk about things like that, as if complaining about it does anything for anybody. She had some clothes that had to be washed that day for an event that evening. To me, if it was that important they be washed, she would have done it the day or days before hand.
> 
> Our fights always seem to follow the same pattern, we argue a point for a while, then I see its pointless and stop talking, asking to be left alone, or that we should just agree to disagree. She always continues on talking, we both slowly get more and more angry. Eventually a few swear words slip out, not in calling each-other them, just as expletives.
> 
> After about an hour of arguing, I started to shut down emotionally, this is usually what hurts her the worst. In the past I try to leave the house, or go to sleep. She always tries to block my path or stop my from leaving. Its led to some shoving before just to get her out of the way so I can leave the house, but nothing physically damaging or lasting. So finally feeling emotionally drained after fighting for so long, I said "Man I think I really do want a divorce." She started yelling more about my commitment to God, and how immature I was for not upholding it in wanting divorce. And I agreed with her completely, I have no intention of divorcing my wife. What I honestly thought was Lots of arranged married couples love each-other after a few years, and many couples divorce and re-marry because they are better able to cope with life later in life. So I said what I thought "Well I am married to you, and love you but I don't have to like you, so you do your thing and I'll do mine, and maybe I'll like you again when you are not acting crazy all the time." You can imagine this didn't turn out well. She was sitting behind me, stood up and started punching me in the back over and over. She has hit and kicked me a few times in different fights, maybe 2-3 instances over the last couple years, small outbursts, short lived. I know she shouldn't, but I'm a larger guy so usually I'm not really hurt anyway. This time thought she just kept hitting and hitting my back. I sat there thinking it was fine I would just take it until she stopped which is usually after 2-3 hits, but she kept hitting, and hitting the same spot enough, that it really did start to hurt, but I thought I'd just sit there and keep taking it. But something happened, I'm assuming an adrenaline rush, or an anger outburst, but I stood up so fast, spun around, grabbed my wife's head, put her in a extremely tight head lock, grappled her onto the couch, with my knee on her back, and screamed "Don't you ever hit me again do you understand me?", she replied "Yes" and I repeated " Do you understand me?" again louder, and she said "Yes" again, and I got off her. She started crying right away and holding her back where I had keeled on it. I hadn't tried to kneel on her back, it had just happen when I took her down to the couch. For the the scary part is that I don't remember it all that well, I don't remember at all make the decision to turn around and stand up, I barely remember grabbing her head and taking her down to the couch, and I barely remember screaming " Don't you ever hit me again!" and her Saying "Yes." The rest she retold me. I hope I was just stopping her from hitting me, but what if I had done more, I don't remember THINKING about any of it, it just seemed to happen. The only thing I remember thinking about, is after she said "yes" the second time, thinking I should stop before I really hurt her.
> 
> After I turned around and saw that my son was watching the whole thing. 6 month's old, and watching this. I picked up his walker and took it to the bedroom. I don't remember why I did that or thinking about it either. It was almost immediately after I let my wife go and saw him.
> 
> My wife sat on the floor crying for a little bit, she acted scared when I was first by her. I paced around the entire house angry, I felt so angry, I just wanted to break things and smash things. I wanted to run outside and just scream at the top of my lungs.
> 
> After a minute, I felt really overwhelmed and the gravity of the situation hit me. I felt sick to my stomach, and sat on the floor crying. I felt so ashamed that I had hurt my wife, and so ashamed right in from of our son. So ashamed that a fight over laundry had started the whole thing. So frustrated at everything. I just broke down crying. After a few minutes my wife crying called out to me and asked me to come hold her. I did, but I couldn't look at her in the face for a good 45 minutes, half the time spent just balling like a little kid, I don't think I've cried like that since I was a kid, I just felt really ashamed.
> 
> After a while we both said sorry, kissed and made up. But to me things are really different now when I think of my marriage, and worse, what affect might this all have on my son.
> 
> The last few days she keeps talking about her back, neck and jaw where I grabbed her. She keeps saying thing like she thinks I really hurt her. I feel such a mix of emotion when she talks about it, Anger at her, Anger at myself, shame, concern, desperation, its just making me depressed day in and out, and I think " I've really don't something horrible now that I can never take back. "
> 
> I will go to my grave, someone who physically abused his wife. It makes me not want to be married at all. To just hide and start a new life somewhere else. Where as before I saw allot of hope for the future, now things just seem ruined, and I don't even know if I wan't to be in the marriage anymore, things just keep getting worse and worse.
> 
> Does anyone have any Advice? Gone through something similar, anything?



Mr. Moxie,

I hope you take this advice seriously. I have no idea what state you are in but here In colorado had the police been called she would have gone to jail and possibly you would have as well. DHS would have been called and your son taken. 

This is not a healthy relationship for you, her but mostly your son. You need to get out. You need to get counseling. Please consider your safety and hers. She is an abuser and you are now escalating. This will only get worse not better. 

For the record I'm not taking her or your side. I'm on your sons side. For his sake seek some help!


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## ne9907

Do not wait for the next outburst, as I am afraid it will be worse. Schedule counseling as soon as possible. I agree with Mablenc, she is abusive and you snapped.
Nobody is right in this situation
Please seek counseling, take a day off every week for this, your marriage is the most important thing ever.


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## Uptown

Moxie, I agree with COGypsy that, when serious verbal and physical abuse is occurring, MC likely would be a waste of time, if not damaging. IC by a psychologist is called for to address the deeper issues. Otherwise, simply learning better communication skills could make the situation worse, leading to greater manipulation by the abusive partner.

The abusive outbursts you describe for your W may be due to the hormone changes occurring in pregnancy and, later, during postpartum (PP depression can last as long as two years). Hopefully so because things will improve when her hormones return to a normal level. 

If that is the case, however, it is difficult to explain why you said (in your 6/20/12 post) that a bad fight occurred only two weeks into your marriage -- four months before she became pregnant. And, in that same post, you say several bad fights had already occurred in the 18 months before marriage.

I therefore ask whether you've heard that your W suffered abuse or abandonment in early childhood? Did she have an emotionally unavailable mother? Does she do a lot of black-white thinking wherein she categorizes everyone as "all bad" and "all good"? Does she exhibit a lack of impulse control (beyond the outbursts) in other areas of her life, as in binge spending/eating? Finally, does she flip between loving you and devaluing you -- in only ten seconds, based solely on some minor thing you say or do?


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## mablenc

COGypsy said:


> In abusive relationships, couples counseling is never a good idea. It just gives the abuser(s) more ammo to use. You should both get into a good domestic violence support group and work out whatever it is that makes you think this is how presumably loving people behave. Once you get your heads on straight individually, then look at marriage counseling to see if you really are compatible.


What I am saying is that he should not get the blame and look for treatment alone. She is also responsible.


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## ThreeStrikes

So, basically you snapped and physically assaulted your smaller wife?

I suggest you grow up, fella. Next time you might spend a few days in jail, and lose custody of your kid.

BTW, you probably did injure her back and neck. Us men don't realize how much stronger than a woman we are, especially when the adrenaline is flowing.

How old are the two of you? Have either of you had an LTR before this?


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## Mr.Moxie

@ Everyone thanks for the comments, I do appreciate them. I've talked to her before about going and getting some help, from a counselor, or pastor, but she says she will not go, and honestly I don't think it would help her much, we both have a pretty good understanding out our feelings and actually do talk allot, but talking allot doesn't mean anything gets solved. Usually feelings are just hurt more.

@ ThreeStrikes, yeah basically that's what happened, it was pretty much in the title. Grow up, sure how exactly would I go about doing that? You are talking to a person who has spent most of his life being the respectable lovable, wise friend, seen by those older then my as "beyond my years." Its like like I has some sort of controlled outburst, as I stated I don't even remember half of what happened, and I don't remember thinking about it. I realize perfectly my strength, hence the mindset that I can take it. I work with Developmentally disabled clients who are aggressive all the time, I have been in fights before, non-of that physical damage to me, not being bit or hit, or having chairs thrown into my face, has every elicited a response on the level that happened with my wife, "SNAPPED" is a great word to use, but it doesn't tell me how I don't do it, other then to just avoid the situation or now when I feel it coming get the hell out of there. I am 28 and she is 22, I'm not sure what LTR stands for and google is failing me on that one.

@Uptown, I didn't know the extent when I married my wife, but in the last year I've found out she was abused physically by both her younger brother and her father. She describes only a few instances a year, but it seems like from the age 14-18 her dad had several outburst which would constitute physical abuse, and her siblings were all physically abusive to each other when they were younger in years. For a good deal of her childhood her father was not around allot working allot and going to school allot, and it sounds like there was very little control of the household in his absence, and her older brother bullied the younger siblings allot growing up. I also have a history of child abuse, though all of mine occurred before the age of 8 before I moved to live with my Mother and Adoptive Father. I honestly don't even remember the mortality of it, most of my childhood before the age of 8 is pretty devoid of memorize of any kinds good or bad.

@All, again I really don't know what counselling would do, I personally coming from a split marriage invested a large amount of time learning about marriage before getting married at the age of 27, my wife is 6 years the younger. I have read allot of books - 5 love languages, love dare, seen the love and respect series, as well as several engram personally relations books.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

LTR = Long-Term Relationship


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## Mr.Moxie

Ah thanks, No neither of us has had a long term relationship before this. I think both of our longest relationships was about 6 months.


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## Uptown

Mr.Moxie said:


> I really don't know what counselling would do....


As I said earlier, Moxie, I don't believe MC would be useful until she has IC to learn how to control her anger. Further, I believe it would be prudent for you to see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid opinion on what is causing your W's repeated outbursts and continued unhappiness. 

The most important issue, IMO, is whether her anger and moodiness are due only to a hormone change (e.g., postpartum) or, rather, due to strong traits of a personality disorder that originated in early childhood. If it's due to a hormone change, the problem should go away within a year or two -- or sooner if she gets replacement hormones. If a personality disorder is involved, however, the prognosis is pretty grim because it is rare for someone to do the years of therapy needed to overcome such an issue.

To obtain information about those two possibilities, I tried to find out what type of warning signs you're seeing. Toward that end, I asked several questions you did not answer. In hopes you will have time to answer them now, I am asking them again: Did she have an emotionally unavailable mother whom she was not close to? Does she do a lot of black-white thinking wherein she categorizes everyone as "all bad" and "all good"? Does she exhibit a lack of impulse control (beyond the outbursts) in other areas of her life, as in binge spending/eating? Finally, does she flip between loving you and devaluing you -- in only ten seconds, based solely on some minor thing you say or do (making you feel like you're usually walking on eggshells to avoid triggering her anger)?


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## ThreeStrikes

Mr. Moxie,

Emotionally healthy adults don't snap in the manner you did. An emotionally healthy adult stands, walks away, and says calmly and firmly "I'm not ok with you hitting me."

People who snap like you (extreme anger and loss of sanity) usually end up dead or in jail. You say you can't remember much of what you were doing during the incident. This is a red flag for subconscious, repressed anger.

You say you have very little memory of your life prior to 8 years old. This is another red flag. Most people have memories going back to around 4 years of age. Clearly your subconscious mind is repressing something. You mention childhood abuse. This is something that needs explored.

If one of your developmental disabled clients was biting your arm like a vice grip, and wouldn't let go...would you have snapped? My guess is "no". However, something in your wife's behavior gave your subconscious mind the "OK" to go off on her.

Does your wife have issues? Based on what you've described, most likely. However, *you* came here for a reason. You reached out for a reason. Your inner Little Mr. Moxie was sad. Get to the root of your FOO (family of origin) issues. Find a good IC who can help you uncover and process the abuse you took as a child. You will be floored when you learn the impact our child-life has on our relationships, and on our selection in a partner.


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## turnera

Mr.Moxie said:


> @All, again I really don't know what counseling would do


This is your biggest mistake. Counseling is the ONE thing that will give you guys a chance. Drop the know-it-all attitude, use that shame you felt, and line up a good marriage counselor. BOTH of you need to find healthy ways to deal with each other, or someone's going to end up dead. Counseling is the only way this will happen. Consistent, long-term counseling to learn new patterns. If you're broke, go to United Way and ask them to help you find someone you can afford.


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## turnera

btw, it's unlikely your 6-month-old will remember this episode, let alone process what was happening. He barely understands food and pooping.


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## caladan

ThreeStrikes said:


> I suggest you grow up, fella.


This is not a good way to provide advice. Just saying.


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## ThreeStrikes

caladan said:


> This is not a good way to provide advice. Just saying.


Sometimes a 2x4 is necessary. Childish behavior is being called-out for what it is.

I doubt the cops will be so gentle with him the next time he beats up his wife. And it will happen again if he doesn't get some IC.

Just saying.


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## RoseAglow

ThreeStrikes said:


> Mr. Moxie,
> 
> Emotionally healthy adults don't snap in the manner you did. An emotionally healthy adult stands, walks away, and says calmly and firmly "I'm not ok with you hitting me."
> 
> People who snap like you (extreme anger and loss of sanity) usually end up dead or in jail. You say you can't remember much of what you were doing during the incident. This is a red flag for subconscious, repressed anger.
> 
> You say you have very little memory of your life prior to 8 years old. This is another red flag. Most people have memories going back to around 4 years of age. Clearly your subconscious mind is repressing something. You mention childhood abuse. This is something that needs explored.
> 
> If one of your developmental disabled clients was biting your arm like a vice grip, and wouldn't let go...would you have snapped? My guess is "no". However, something in your wife's behavior gave your subconscious mind the "OK" to go off on her.
> 
> Does your wife have issues? Based on what you've described, most likely. However, *you* came here for a reason. You reached out for a reason. Your inner Little Mr. Moxie was sad. Get to the root of your FOO (family of origin) issues. Find a good IC who can help you uncover and process the abuse you took as a child. You will be floored when you learn the impact our child-life has on our relationships, and on our selection in a partner.


#1: Anger Management. This a must. You might have a slow fuse, but you totally lost it here, you had a totally uncontrolled outburst. You were in such a state that you can't even really recall it. 

#2: Counseling.

Your wife needs both, too, but you can only control yourself. Go, even if she won't go.

#3: Research. Read up on boundaries. If you work with the disabled you are probably already of de-escalation methods, yes? You need to use them in your private life, as well. 
You need to put a stop to the fights- it takes two to fight, learn out to end your part in them. It might mean leaving the house with your child until your wife has calmed down.

I am glad you are moving back to a place where you both will have more support; I think it will help ease the pressure. But, it won't resolve all your issues. At least if you need to leave the house, you will have family to go to, and someone to help with the little one.


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## Gabriel

ThreeStrikes said:


> Sometimes a 2x4 is necessary. Childish behavior is being called-out for what it is.
> 
> I doubt the cops will be so gentle with him the next time he beats up his wife. And it will happen again if he doesn't get some IC.
> 
> Just saying.


I agree a 2x4 is necessary sometimes, but I think the OP already gave himself that 2x4 and now he wants help on what to do next. 

IMHO, counseling should happen next. But this counselor needs to be prepped with the toxic background.

And I agree that the 6 month old will not remember this at all. But if became a pattern, he would go through emotional stress and trauma (that he wouldn't understand), that could be damaging. But one instance shouldn't do that.


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## Mr.Moxie

Hopefully folks wont see this as a irritating Necro lol.

I thought I'd report back here, I see allot of posts, and allot just kinda fade into the distance. I'm sure some of you will be disappointed, we didn't seek counselling, but we did take a few marriage strengthening classes together and watched the Love and Respect series together, as well as made some life style changes. We've still had some pretty nasty fights, but none that escalated anywhere near that issue, and when I get worked up, my wife has been allot more understanding of me needing to just walk away and calm down, while I just try and big picture ever fight, and most seem foolish and I don't really get upset about them.


After talking with some healthcare professionals, it was said that in all likely hood my wife was suffering from postpartum depression. She didn't take any medication for it, but we did start doing things like excising, and going on my relaxing drives to try and make life seem less stressful. I also found out that my wife was feeling stressed out in our apartment because of our land lady, my wife thought she was coming into our space when my wife was asleep, we found out later that she was, our land lady got kinda crazy, she even took pictures of our place while we were out, we decided to move out. We did decide to move in with my folks for a year. They had the space, in all honesty moving in with my folks was a terrible idea full of a whole slew of miseries, but it did seem to bring my wife and I closer together at least, and the move was exciting and new, I also went down to just one job, and as far as my own stress goes, not working 65+ hours a week seven days a week was a big help.

My wife and I just bought a house closer to her folks so we have some familial support now which has been a big help.

As to what some of you said before, I did find out there was some trouble in her childhood as well. She gets occasional panic attacks and has some separation anxiety issues. Apparently her father was not around allot when she was little, working allot and going to school. She says both her mother and father have separation anxiety issues when away from each-other as well.

What I take from everything that happened, is that it was an extremely stressful part of both our lives. Over working, Her depression, Lack of Money, New Child, Lack of sleep, No family support, our creepy land lady, and a long winter all played a part of all this. We both do have some issues, but I'd like to think we are pretty good people. I guess just all the stress brought all the worst of both of us to the surface.

Things have been pretty Idealistic these last 6 months though. We bought a new home we can pay off early if we need to, we have nice neighbors, in a nice neighborhood, a nice calm backyard garden, and our little one is doing great and loving the spacious back yard to run around in. Money is still a pretty big stress, but we have everything we need.

Thanks for all the comments and advice to those who responded. I did take them seriously, and while I may not have followed the advice to completion, it was good to hear it strait up, and how bad reality could get if there was not some changes.

Thanks All.


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## turnera

MrMoxie, very impressed. It's really rewarding to see people take their relationship seriously and seek out SOLUTIONS as you two did. High hopes for you two!

One suggestion, don't remember if I already made it...schedule a State Of The Marriage meeting once a week, for only 15-30 minutes, like on Sunday night, where you both VOW for it to be a safe place to say what you feel, discuss concerns you have, safely discuss possible solutions, and make agreements moving forward.

What that does is let you IGNORE the bad stuff the rest of the week since you know you'll be discussing it on Sunday night, and instead spend the rest of the week meeting each other's Emotional Needs, avoiding Love Busters, and spending QUALITY time together to grow those bonds.


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