# High strung daughter



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

My oldest daughter (11) is extremely high strung. She worries and obsesses over everything--her own behavior, everyone else's behavior, the stock market...She's always been this way, and I'm really afraid for her future. 

For some background, this seems to run in my family. My mother is the same way, and it's definitely affected her life, and the lives of those around her. 

With her moving into junior high next year (in my opinion, the absolute toughest time for kids), puberty, etc--I'm terrified she's just going to snap one of these days. I really wish she could just chill out for her own mental health.

Anyone else have any experience with a situation like this?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Find a creative diversion - art, music.... Professional intervention would be helpful.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

john117 said:


> Find a creative diversion - art, music.... Professional intervention would be helpful.


She's very good at drawing. Loves anime style art. I also have her in martial arts to help with getting some of those negative emotions out, but that seems to just backfire with worrying about her next test, etc.

I've talked to her mom about some counseling before, but we haven't pulled the trigger on it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How about some sport that takes a lot of energy.. maybe swimming?


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

I suck at being a dad, so I'm not so sure my advice would help. I would say at her age that is a lot to stress about and I would think professional counseling may help, at least I hope it does. 

Sending you and your family some aloha. 


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Ikaika said:


> I suck at being a dad, so I'm not so sure my advice would help. I would say at her age that is a lot to stress about and I would think professional counseling may help, at least I hope it does.
> 
> Sending you and your family some aloha.


You are a great dad, Ikaika. You deserve to have some confidence in yourself.

(And as a side note, your patience in explaining basic principles over on the political and religious board is amazing, and greatly appreciated. Reason burns like a light in the darkness there, thanks to your presence.)

Fozzy, just reassure her and encourage her to talk through her worries with you. Empathize, but try to help her see the bright side of things, too.

For example, not doing well in a class may show her where her strengths and weaknesses lie, and that is helpful for making a career choice later on. Not everyone needs to be good at everything. Most of us are not. But finding the things that we are naturally good at and interested in and developing those strengths can bring a lot of satisfaction.

Bringing up the first child can feel so hard. Just wait until you get to your third one. You will have all this down pat.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

She may have an anxiety disorder. And unfortunately, people with anxiety problems can't just relax/chill out. Of course, she'd need a professional assessment to properly diagnose and treat. (I've read that a combination of therapy and medication are the most effective treatment in such cases.)

I hope that you're able to find a way to help her. That kind of anxiety is terrible to live with.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

My daughter was a little like this, certainly more so when she was younger. She was the clever kid in the class getting stressed because other kids were messing around. She would get upset if she wasn't getting straight A's or any hint of constructive criticism via her teachers. 

It baffled me because we are fairly relaxed parents and have never been pushy or strict. Once she left high school and went to college she has become increasingly relaxed and slowly slowly becoming more tolerant of her own flaws and that of others.

I think schools can sometimes push children too hard and give them very high expectations - those that a prone to stress feel it worse. 

Is she very bright/academic Fozzy?


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

soulpotato said:


> She may have an anxiety disorder. And unfortunately, people with anxiety problems can't just relax/chill out. Of course, she'd need a professional assessment to properly diagnose and treat. (I've read that a combination of therapy and medication are the most effective treatment in such cases.)
> 
> I hope that you're able to find a way to help her. That kind of anxiety is terrible to live with.




My youngest son is 11 and is also very high strung and in general a worrier. We've had our kids in therapy for dealing with chronic health issues in the family and he has been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. 

This year he started middle school and it definitely has been much harder on him. He is very bright, sweet and funny, but just cannot stop worrying... and annoys easily when peers fool around in class (he also has ADHD). 

Anyway, he became so stressed that he made concerning statements to the school psych, crisis team got involved and he ended up inpatient for a month!

It was hard in all of us being separated, but it ended up helping him tremendously. His time away allowed doctors to finally find a medication that helped him, and now he is doing great and so much more relaxed and happy.



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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Yes! The women in my family are also fairly high strung, and go-getters. This has affected all of us, some more than others. I'm always tense and sore from clenching my muscles; my sister recently cracked a tooth from clenching her jaws, and my Mom was hit the worst. She suffered from heart issues which have completed resolved themselves, but it was touch and go for awhile there.

Things to do with your daughter: help her find an outlet to release some energy. Maybe a sport to exert physical energy, or maybe even something quieter for her to focus energy in a different way. What sort of things does she enjoy doing?


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Perhaps yoga may do her some good. 

I took a semester away from undergrad to do an internship at a yoga ashram when I realized I could no longer cope adequately with the stress of trying to pay my way through college, maintain my work ethic, deal with family issues and the death of my gran. I was barely sleeping because I was constantly worried and thinking so much. 

I can't say enough good things about my experience with yoga. It taught me better coping mechanisms and most importantly, awareness. Awareness of my mind and the way I think and how it influences the way I feel.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

Fozzy said:


> My oldest daughter (11) is extremely high strung. She worries and obsesses over everything--her own behavior, everyone else's behavior, the stock market...She's always been this way, and I'm really afraid for her future.
> 
> For some background, this seems to run in my family. My mother is the same way, and it's definitely affected her life, and the lives of those around her.
> 
> ...


any history of diabetes in the family ?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

don't coddle her.

don't give her unreasonable fear any acknowledgement by trying to convince her otherwise. just sat get over it these are normal things everybody has to learn to deal with.

when she being unreasonable tell her calmly that you think she being unreasonable. 

shes 11 most likely she will grow out of it.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

soulpotato said:


> She may have an anxiety disorder. And unfortunately, people with anxiety problems can't just relax/chill out. Of course, she'd need a professional assessment to properly diagnose and treat. (I've read that a combination of therapy and medication are the most effective treatment in such cases.)
> 
> I hope that you're able to find a way to help her. That kind of anxiety is terrible to live with.


This is really what I'm afraid of. My mom had a nervous breakdown when I was around 7 because she was never able to learn to cope with her own stress and anxiety.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

peacem said:


> My daughter was a little like this, certainly more so when she was younger. She was the clever kid in the class getting stressed because other kids were messing around. She would get upset if she wasn't getting straight A's or any hint of constructive criticism via her teachers.
> 
> It baffled me because we are fairly relaxed parents and have never been pushy or strict. Once she left high school and went to college she has become increasingly relaxed and slowly slowly becoming more tolerant of her own flaws and that of others.
> 
> ...


That's my kid to a tee. She's very bright, but struggles with ADD and feels horrible when she doesn't succeed. Absolutely her own worst critic. When she's "on", she shows moments of absolute brilliance, but her own self doubts and anxiety are often what keeps her from excelling. She vapor-locks.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Ursula said:


> Yes! The women in my family are also fairly high strung, and go-getters. This has affected all of us, some more than others. I'm always tense and sore from clenching my muscles; my sister recently cracked a tooth from clenching her jaws, and my Mom was hit the worst. She suffered from heart issues which have completed resolved themselves, but it was touch and go for awhile there.
> 
> Things to do with your daughter: help her find an outlet to release some energy. Maybe a sport to exert physical energy, or maybe even something quieter for her to focus energy in a different way. What sort of things does she enjoy doing?


She really enjoys martial arts (has a devastating round-house kick), and enjoys practicing but like other things, I've seen her lock up with stress during tests and even in the middle of sparring practice because she was afraid of hurting the other kid.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Keke24 said:


> Perhaps yoga may do her some good.
> 
> I took a semester away from undergrad to do an internship at a yoga ashram when I realized I could no longer cope adequately with the stress of trying to pay my way through college, maintain my work ethic, deal with family issues and the death of my gran. I was barely sleeping because I was constantly worried and thinking so much.
> 
> I can't say enough good things about my experience with yoga. It taught me better coping mechanisms and most importantly, awareness. Awareness of my mind and the way I think and how it influences the way I feel.


I like this idea. I've actually been toying with taking up yoga myself. I used to do a lot of Tai Chi back in the day, and found that moving meditation was a real help. Maybe I can start us up with some youtube lessons for right now.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

DepressedHusband said:


> any history of diabetes in the family ?


A bit on my side. Quite a bit on her mom's side. Is there a link?


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Fozzy said:


> I like this idea. I've actually been toying with taking up yoga myself. I used to do a lot of Tai Chi back in the day, and found that moving meditation was a real help. Maybe I can start us up with some youtube lessons for right now.


Yes, any start is better than doing nothing. I think it's difficult to start without a class because in the beginning you may feel silly doing the postures and its difficult to figure out if you're doing things the right way without the guidance of a teacher present. I find that the ambiance created by a group of like-minded individuals adds to the calm that a beginner really needs. I'm a teacher so it may be my own bias talking there. Seriously though, have you ever OM'ed in a group? It does something to you subconsciously once everyone reaches the same frequency. 

If you do choose to go to a class, I'd advise to stay away from Bikram yoga, particularly in the early stages. Bikram is still trending now in the west but I do not find that it brings the same benefits of meditation as the more traditional styles of yoga. It has more of a competitive edge and the focus is on pushing the body to do more, hence the use of heat.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

My 15 yo was like that. We found out at 13 that she was cutting and had suicidal thoughts. Some professional help was needed. We found out she had anxiety issues paired with depression, ADHD, and OCD. She is doing much better now. 

Kids have a rough time around that age. It especially seems to be hard on girls. 

I would maybe recommend seeing a counselor on your own to discuss this and see if he/she thinks there may be an issue. Then, if needed, have your child come in with you at first, before having her go alone. She may even have access to a counselor at school. 

We knew our child was having typical teen issues, but we had no idea she was cutting and potentially suicidal. It was a shock to me and I handled it poorly at first. Don't be me. 

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## ScottishGirl1998 (Dec 19, 2015)

I was exactly like your daughter at that age. I got around 2-3 hours sleep most nights because I lay awake worrying about everything possible, from my school work to the Greek economy!! I kid you not. 

Without realising it everything tamed down after my 13th birthday and hasn't returned. I don't know whether it was anxiety, some other sort of mental illness, or just some sort of hormonal imbalance associated with puberty. A couple of years ago I asked my mother about it and why she didn't take me to the doctors, and she said she thought it was just to do with puberty as she had been the same. 

I'm not saying that is what it is with your daughter, but it could be. Nevertheless, I don't think it would be a bad idea to get some professional advice.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

The above is a good point. During this time period, kids are also becoming more aware of the world beyond the scope of their own life, and their brains are developing rapidly. She may be on information and processing overload, and she may grow out of it.

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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

I have about 4 grand daughters right in that age bracket. They are all slightly different and partly the same when it comes to behavior. I recall my eldest son and the contractor doing my kitchen commiserating together about their daughters. You are not alone. It gets worse until it gets better. My eldest GD in through itI think. She is different than she was before but it is all about growing up.

Make sure her hormone levels fall into the normal range. I know that can be problem, both too high and too low. It is a real hard time in life especially for girls. Lot's of pressure on them. Patience, patience and more patience.


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