# Caught him on FB/email/phone over 10 times. Need to talk to him today HELP pls..



## Tess (Nov 12, 2011)

*First, I apologize for this LONG post. I don't know how to leave any out. I want to thank anyone for the patience in reading this!! And especially if you offer advice at all, long or short, I appreciate it so much.*




I'm a 32 yr old woman married to a man I still love dearly. He's 20 yrs older. People mistake him for late 30s. We have one daughter 20 months old, and I have a daughter from a previous marriage 6 years old. 

We've been together 4 years. From the start we were clear about being monogomous, what that meant, and importance of trust. He stressed this because he's been cheated on by more than one ex. Of course I agreed to monogomy and trust and that's what I wanted. We were VERY close and VERY passionate emotionally/ physically/mentally for the course of 2 years. It was really an amazing beautiful relationship built on trust, love, respect, and fun.

That continued until one day he left his email up while he was out of town. Prior to this, he left his accounts open all the time. I never snooped and he trusted me. This day I got the urge to "snoop". This remains one of my biggest regrets. I wish I remained blissfully ignorant. I found emails between him and his ex. They met up while I was 3 months pregnant with our baby. When I discovered the emails our baby was 3 weeks old. So the affair was long "over" judging by the emails - in which she said she loved him and enjoyed the visit but they were clearly cutting it off. he expressed the same love and sadness. She said she would marry him if she could. 

I was devastated. I say this from memory - today I feel devoid of emotion at the thought. I confronted him, and he apologized and told me they never had sex or anything physical. He said they never even had sex while dating, because she's very much into religion and wanted marriage first (which didn't happen with them). We went thru a LOT of talking and he agreed to do whatever it took. I believed him and we tried to work it out. I told myself the meeting they had was for closure because I was pregnant, and he realized it was time to get committed. I told myself he just needed that last meeting, before signing off on his past love. It made me feel better to tell myself that, but I remember he said nothing when I expressed these thoughts. 

However I couldn't seem to trust him again. I think I gave him a very hard time, and said *many* hurtful things. I couldn't see him the same. I did a lot of crying. Also since the baby was two weeks, I was dealing with after pregnancy weight, no sleep, chaotic schedule. I feel all of this made me erratic after the discovery of the emails. I remember he was devastated himself, our entire relationship changed in the span of days -- from beautiful to completely horrific. He was trying to make me "come back" to him... but in hindsight, he probably gave up because I forgave in word but not in action. We became angry, sharp tongued, impatient. We became a series of good hopeful days, followed by hell broke loose, in a cycle that hasn't ended yet. 

Now this year I began to see a series of Facebook, text, phone calls of him flirting with various women. At times it's random women on FB. Other times it's an ex. One time it was the same ex I first discovered, at which point I contacted her and VERY politely told her I knew of her, and would like her not to contact my husband again. She said she didn't know he was married and told me I don't have to worry about her again. 

Each incident I found by snooping. He keeps leaving his accounts up on our shared PC. I have no idea WHY he keeps doing this. He's very upset any time I snoop. Understandably. The women just keep popping up - with 2-3 months between my discoveries. 

Most recent was text to # in our area from a shared emergency phone we have. He told the woman "you need a gooood hard f#cking" and she replied "if you have what it takes!" He didn't reply anymore. That was 2 weeks ago. He never told me who she was, what it was about. He clammed up totally except to apologize and tell me he messed up. He promised (again) not be unfaithful, flirt, or come onto women.

But there was something different these past two weeks. He went to a worship service last week (something he hasn't done since we first started falling apart). He told me about his talk with the spiritual leader. He's talking to me about himself, his depression, his family past, his relationship past, his emotions. He tells me he has a "mean streak" in his spirit and needs to work on himself. He lost his mother and spoke about how he sees her qualities in me, qualities he didn't recognize enough when she was alive. He says he "doesn't understand" how he can keep doing these things, but he doesn't like it. He feels heartbreak that he hurt me, but feels anger toward himself. He asked me to look into couples counseling. He ALSO chose to get on a waiting list for a rehab center and has checked in for a spot every few days (until a bed opens). He's dealing with cocaine/alcohol. I tended to see this as a completely separate but even more serious issue (in which I am 100% in support - I'm trying to work through the addiction with him, not leave). I found out about his addictions less than a year ago. He was using years before we met, then succeeded in stopping, and is doing it again. He wants to get clean, to get focused, and above all do what it takes to make "us" work. 

I believe those are real efforts on his part, in the last 2 weeks. The rub is, he just left his FB account up again today. He left town today to help a close mutual male friend, who is very sick and called us for help. I snooped in his FB again. I found a two month old FB conversation between him & a young woman. The conversation was back and forth over a week (last msg aug 23). He called her pretty, "foxy" (his pet name for me). he "Wants her badly." She said wish she could see him. He invites her to our city for the weekend (she lives 1.5 hours away). she declined because she "has work." He says he lost her number but wants it. She declines and says if he doesn't have it, why would she give it again, and says she's "isn't stupid." He ends up complimenting her again and sending her his new cell phone number. She never replies again. I noticed they're no longer friends on FB.

Incidentally, I notice two other random women on FB he sent messages in the last month about how sexy they are. one replied by saying "uhh do I know you? I have a boyfriend." 

I know this was a long story -- but I'm really trying to figure out how to handle this today. In the heat of passion I emailed him a copy of the message I found on FB and titled it "What the HELL." I now *really *regret doing that 

I don't know how to approach him. I don't know what to say. I have no idea how or if this will EVER end. I hate the idea of living a life of constant distrust disrespect and snooping. On the other hand I love him. My gut says most of these women were "playing" with him and maybe he never had sex - by the way they flirt then turn down his advances. Let alone women he msg without even knowing them. That in itself makes me embarassed, like I'm married to a weird "creep." I've also lost 80% of my self confidence. In my head I know I'm attractive, intelligent, giving and goal driven. But I just never "feel" that way anymore, let alone "sexy."

What's so confusing is standing b4 me, he's NOTHING like the flirty man I keep seeing online. I can't even believe he was inviting some woman to our city. Other than this mess, he's the kind of big hearted, easy going guy who is always there for his friends (who all love him), he loves his family, is a devoted dad, gives freely to strangers in need, still makes me laugh, still likes sex and romance with me, and is protective of me. I know he'll call soon, especially if he checks his email. I feel tired and drained right now - and worried I'm going to blow up when I talk to him. I wonder if it's time to call this quits.


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## Joanie (Oct 24, 2010)

I don't know how you could ever trust him again when he keeps promising to stop this behavior and yet continues to do it. He has MAJOR issues and I would suspect his bad sexual behavior is closely tied to his drug addiction. I know someone who was in the exact situation you are in. He would stop the drugs/cheating for years at a time. His poor wife was always waiting for the other shoe to drop and it always did. She finally left. My heart breaks for you, especially since you have a young child. I hate to say it but I don't think it looks good. He's 52 for Pete's sake! Time to grow up buddy!


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

I don't see it working unless he gets off the drugs, deletes his FB profile, and keeps his phone open for you to read. That being said, who wants to have a relationship like that?

It sounds like you would benefit more if HE went to individual counseling, NOT just couples counseling because it sounds like he has some real issues!

I would tell him that you are going to call it quits unless he gets off the drugs, closes out his FB, and keeps all of his contact open with you - as that is the only way you'll ever rebuild trust. Not only that, but he needs some counseling.

After that, or if he refuses, and messes up again - I'd say goodbye. You are still so young, you could find someone else to make you happy and deserve better.


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## Tess (Nov 12, 2011)

I do believe he has real issues. I'm divided, I just don't know whether I'm staying or going half the time. Everytime it starts to look and feel good again, I stumble on something else. I feel like I'm looking over my shoulder -- like tonight. He's 3 hours away helping our friend. I know where he is and why because we both spoke to said friend. But I can't shake the always present question, I ask myself is he going to call someone once there? Is he going to try to see an "old friend?" 

I've even discussed divorce with him more than once, but we haven't done counseling yet, either couples or individual. I might be a fool but it is SO hard to let go, even with all this. And I worry about the babies in both cases. I hope my daughter's father can stay in her life and we can have a successful marriage/household - but I also wonder if I'm a "bad" parent for staying in a marriage that could potentially send my daughters some very wrong messages


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## Tess (Nov 12, 2011)

Lydia said:


> I don't see it working unless he gets off the drugs, deletes his FB profile, and keeps his phone open for you to read. That being said, who wants to have a relationship like that?
> 
> It sounds like you would benefit more if HE went to individual counseling, NOT just couples counseling because it sounds like he has some real issues!
> 
> ...


I was wondering about FB and his accounts. I'm new to this site but after browsing I'm seeing some posts about "transparency." I think that has to happen if we were to have any hope of recovering our marriage. At the same time, I wonder if a person can ever be "made" or convinced to stop doing something, unless they just really want to themselves


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Tess,
The most important thing when confronting is having the specific details about dates and times, and never reveal the souce.

Simple let him know you were provide with proof that is undenialable, and you will not control him so it is his choice to either stop all contact and do the heavy lifting that will validate this and be forthcoming.....any more secrets will lead to divorce or he can leave. Seperation is out of the question and if he can not make a choice then make it for him and ask him ti leave so that you can move on with someone else that will have the respect that you deserve.

The thing here is confidence, if for one second he sees you beg for this marriage, it will only empower him and it will continue. But if he sees a confident women that will wish him the best and is strong enough to move on with out him it will make him second guess his choice. No matter what. Don't make an excuse here...peception is everything when its time to confront.

So to recap inform him that you have proof and ......thats the thing here, get the black and white proof before confronting. This will help you later on when it comes time to expose this to others, if need be. Never reveal the source, only that it was provided to you. Never ever beg for the marriage. The more confidence you have the better. This perception will be more empowering then you will ever know. And no crying...again don't empower him, but make him believe you are strong enough to be with out him if he chooses the OW.

These things are proven so please listen!

Gather the proof if you need more, and take the time to gather strength. Whats done is done it won't get any worse then it already is. So take the time needed to have the most effective confrontation as possible. If need be validat what I'm saying by taking the time to do the research in how to confront an affair.

After the confrontation there is still alot more to learn so please do the foot work in educating your self on the subejct of infidelity. It will give you the ammo in fighting this and help you get through this crazy time.

Check out MarriageBuilders.com

Again there is a ton of info on this crap, b/c all cheaters have the same script and with that said stay one step ahead of your H by having the info at hand in what he will do next and your counter attack in getting him out of the fantasy fog he is in.

In short, take the time to educate your self about this BS and take this on with all the strenght you can muster up, it will pay off in the long run.


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## Tess (Nov 12, 2011)

the guy, thank you!

sounds like great advice. I'm going to do some more reading to be really prepared. You were spot on because I have a habit of giving in. When I brought divorce to the table before I was confident but I just ended up wavering... Your advice gives me hope and alot more direction. thanks again


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thank you for listening. My second confrontation was alot more effective then my first one so bewarned, it is so emotional, your first one may not go as planed, but you will live and learn and do not dicouraged. 

Just remember, confidence and be prepared to have him call your bluff. But stay strong and you will find that it will work its self out one way or another. The main thing here is confidence. Something tells me he will see the "new Tess" and it will get him to second guess and think twice.

Thats the thing here, throwing them off balance and getting the high ground here for the battle that is soon to come. 

Good luck girl and read, read , read, learn this infidelity thing, know it, understand it. Once you know the enemy of infidelity and have the indifferrence to fight this then you have a chance.

Its easy for me to say this, I'm a guy, it easy for us to be emotional detached and look at things machanicly versus emotionally. LOL


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