# For those who have heard ILYNILWY from spouse where are you right now?



## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

I'd like to know what has happened afterwards.....where you are today.

In my case it was just about two years ago (year 17 w/ 2 kids), my wife has never said anything other than she wants to remain married, it'll take time and throughout has reported "feelings" being the major barrier. She says its her and that I've changed enough and that she is trying. We are getting along great in all areas apart from our sex life (7 times in two years). I'm reaching the end of my rope however we are making good progress I feel more connected to her than at anytime in the past two years just over the past month...she seems back. She seems really happy overall. I don't think she cheated although some red flags were there. Of course she said she's not that type of person at the time of ILYNILWY two years ago. I snooped came up with nothing. It has felt like I was doing all the work until lately she has definitely changed for the better recently. A lot of little differences in her recently for the better.

My plan was instantly changing, letting her know my needs in our marriage, patience, several letters, several talks, researching, and becoming the best man I can be for her (or any lady), I became a much better father and more confident. I reached the point I'd be ok without her if things don't work out. I'm hopeful we'll get through this. I'd put the odds of us making through this at about 80% was 50% just two months ago.

I'm curious to hear other accounts to get a good perspective of what happens after such a revelation from ones spouse... Thanks.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

My husband has given me two instances of ILYNILWY and the first time we ignored it.... That was over a year ago. Then about 2 mos ago he gave me the ILYNILWY again and we separated for almost a month. I decided to move back in, and we listened to Mort Fertel's audio program/book.

Things have changed, though not as much as I'd like them to. I think things are going to be okay. My husband says he is happy now, and seems as much. I am very happy, as I have always been very much in love with him.

Overall we have made little, but important, changes. He has become more considerate and affectionate, and I have become more patient and interested in things. Things change more and more as time goes on, so hoping that things get even better for us. I see it making a turn for the best.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, after 3 months of him moving out, he moved home 6 weeks ago and things are good with us. We have some money issues that are causing some weird vibes, but all in all, I can't complain.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Sadly I after 9 months of working on it, she left this weekend. Was dead set on Divorce. Doing the 180 and have her somewhat intersted in going to another MC. 

It is tough to be strong when you don't want any of this, especially with the holidays approaching. 

I hope the MC and 180 will help.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I wish my wife would give me that speech. As opposed to just acting like it but not telling me. Then we could work on it. 

I've determined that wives don't come back after leaving emotionally. For that reason, over the past 2 years my strategy was to not even try. However, my wife and I will not separate over this. We will not break up the family. Our relationship will never be the same, but I'm going to make it the best I can for the next 40 years or so. I will have to do all of the heavy lifting during this time, but something has to be done. Your marriage will never be the same, but make it the best possible. 

This is a horrible thing to say in that it implies that the three most important things in my life would never have been created, but I wish I'd never gotten married. Why don't they warn you about this crap ahead of time?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I got the ILYBANILWY speech about two weeks after D-Day (EA). She was completely disconnected and without hope of us recovering. We did, with a lot to time and effort. Took about 3 years for it to fully come back together but we are happier now than we had been in years. What we went through made us stronger.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I got the ILYBINILWY after she was in her EA (at the least, it likely was partial PA with no intercourse) but a few days before the rendezvous she set up to meet him (which "him" I'm not sure of, there was atleast two) for sex out of town. Obviously her ILYBINILWY was to green light her already-made choice, but she committed and didn't look back, insisted she was checked out and done, though she did pretend to start going through the motions of recovering the marriage (instead of just being honest).

DDay for me was a couple weeks after her booty call rendezvous, at which point it all clicked for me. I also found out she had been looking at apartments to rent for sometime. At first I didn't ask her to leave, she offered but I didn't want to give her space at that point for fear of it driving her away for good. It wasn't until another few weeks later I found out that her PA/booty call wasn't even the same guy she was emailing nude photos to, I lost all notions of reconciliation at that point. I took my ring off as soon as I found the evidence, later asked her, timidly, to leave the house but which she readily agreed to, and said I'd get the divorce paperwork started.

Strangely, she still can't even admit what she did was adultery, since (in her mind only) she was somehow separated the whole time - I guess she just didn't want to tell me though since it would mean losing out on the sort-of-functioning arrangement we had going, based mostly on my household contributions. Or maybe some other reason equally selfish and dishonest... She would probably say it was to keep me from getting hurt because I'm such a kind and decent man, which really is just cowardice on her part.

It is good to reiterate all this for myself once in awhile to assess my feelings, I am definitely at a different stage of healing as I no longer feel rage and extreme bitternes about what happened (it is more like disappointment and sadness now.) Obviously her adultery wasn't the cause of the marital breakdown, the problems that would eventually lead to this started long before. However, her actions were a unilateral move to kill whatever chance we had to work through our problems and create a fulfilling relationship. Throughout our marriage she was always calling me the pessimistic one, but I'm not the one who ever gave up hope.


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## temi (Nov 9, 2011)

God is ur strength.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Amplexor said:


> I got the ILYBANILWY speech about two weeks after D-Day (EA). She was completely disconnected and without hope of us recovering. We did, with a lot to time and effort. Took about 3 years for it to fully come back together but we are happier now than we had been in years. What we went through made us stronger.


This is encouraging to hear. Thank you for sharing your story.


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