# Need help



## madandsad

Hi, I just created an account and would like to post my intro in the infidelity section but it doesn't seem possible?


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## SunCMars

@EleGirl


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## SunCMars

At the top of the page, click on Forums, then Focused topics, then Coping with infidelity, then hit New post (upper left in black).


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## EleGirl

madandsad said:


> Hi, I just created an account and would like to post my intro in the infidelity section but it doesn't seem possible?


Try posting in that forum now. It is apparently taking the TAM software a bit of time to verify new users.


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## madandsad

Hi, thanks I was able to post there yesterday morning, but I was just wondering how long does it normally take for my post to appear on the forum? I'm not sure if it somehow got lost and I should resubmit it? Thanks.


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## Blaine

Hi madandsad Welcome to TAM. Pull up a chair and pour urself a drink. Whats up?


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## madandsad

Blaine said:


> Hi madandsad Welcome to TAM. Pull up a chair and pour urself a drink. Whats up?


Oh I've just found out about my wife's ongoing affair on Friday, so this has been a really ****ty weekend for me...


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## aine

Madandsad, sorry that you are going through this, but you will find help and words of wisdom here on TAM.
What do you want to do about the affair, divorce her or try and save your marriage/

How old are you both?
Kids?
Affair is going on how long?
Is the other guy married?


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## SunCMars

EleGirl said:


> Try posting in that forum now. It is apparently taking the TAM software a bit of time to verify new users.


And old users.

Hmm?


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## madandsad

Thanks Aine, I actually posted the details yesterday morning in the infidelity forum but seems my post never made it past the moderation. A lot has happened since then. Sorry if I give just a quick response here, need to run out.

I'm 38 and she's 39.
We had two girls together (7 and 11), and she has a 19 year old daughter from a previous relationship when she was young.
She tells me it's been going on for a month but I can't believe anything she says, that just happens to be the points in time I have proof for.
Other guy is married with two small girls.

On a side note, I just now realize my subject might sound alarming to people, and I meant that I needed technical help so maybe this should be moved to the technical difficulties section? I can't seem to change the subject when I try to edit the post.


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## Evinrude58

Just tell your story and the mods can move it.
How to deal with it?

Know everything she says is a lie, expose immediately and without warning to other man’s wife unless you plan on divorcing (which I suggest for infidelity), and see an attorney. Under no circumstances show her you still have feelings for her if any kind—- she will sense weakness and detest you for it. Do the “180”.
Detach.
Never attempt to nicing her back. It never works. Btw—- only admitting to what you already know—- shows zero remorse.


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## Robert22205

I'm sorry your marriage as you knew it is over. Emotionally and physically you've just been hit by a truck. Take 90 days before making any decision to divorce or reconcile. You'll need this time to heal and reach a point where you can make a solid well thought our decision. 

You may chose to rebuild a new marriage or D...the decision is entirely yours. During the next 90 days your wife needs to show remorse for hurting you as well as convince you that she's a safe partner going forward (that she will not cheat again).

Your wife is no longer the girl you married. You don't know this person. 

There should be no further contact with the OM. 
Many recommend informing the OM's wife to further discourage the affair (but also so she can be tested for STDs).
And some inform the OM's wife because she has a right to know she's living with an adulterer. 

See your doctor for a STD test, and discuss meds for sleeping and anxiety. Tell your doctor what's going on in your life.

See an attorney this week to find out exactly where you and the kids stand if you divorce.

Do not move out of your house without first discussing with an attorney. Separate your bank accounts.

Distance yourself from her so that you can 'think', heal, and so you're not constantly reminded about her cheating (e.g., she could sleep on the couch, no sex, join a gym and get in shape, take up a new hobby, buy some new clothes, no date nights, no casual social chats about her day (just discuss kids), and don't listen to her 'problems' or let her lean on your shoulder - you're the victim here). 

Finally, she must take full responsibility for her decision to commit adultery (and not blame you in any way).

No marriage counseling at this time. Marriage counseling is for a broken marriage - not for a broken wife.
Your wife should seek counseling to fix her.
You should seek counseling to heal from her decision to cheat.


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## madandsad

Thanks for the advice. She doesn't seem to want to work things out. When I confronted her, she of course said she was sorry. I told her if we have any chance of moving forward I would need 100% honesty and asked to see her phone, but she refused. She said I broke her trust by going through her phone messages while she was sleeping. What a joke. I asked her to leave the house and stay with a friend. She got angry and said that this is her house and that I should leave! I finally got her to leave by calling the spouse of her lover (they were both good friends of ours) and as I got her on the phone she says "Fine I'll leave, please don't tell her". She says it's not my place to tell her and it should be him that confesses. Apparently their family is more important to her than ours. 

Fast-forward a couple days to this morning, we started talking about what to tell the kids. I told her that I don't want to lie to them and she tells me that that's not fair because our relationship has been degrading over a long time, and she shouldn't be the only one to blame for separating. I admit I have been far from perfect and went through a bit of depression due to health and job issues. But I have also been trying hard to make things better, not realizing that it didn't actually matter to her. I couldn't stand talking to her and had to leave the house, I couldn't take her BS anymore, ended up walking around for hours while we continued the conversation over text messages. She eventually told me "I do love you. I always will. I'm just not in love with you anymore." WTF does that even mean? I don't even want to start wondering about the semantic differences, I just know that's her way of saying she want's to part ways (although it was already pretty obvious).

I just can't help crying when I'm alone, especially when I think about how this will affect the kids. Right now I just want to do what's best for them and we can't even agree on that. I told her maybe we should see someone who specializes in this.

Anyways, thanks for the advice and support. I do plan to contact a lawyer and see the doctor tomorrow.


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## Marc878

madandsad said:


> Thanks for the advice. She doesn't seem to want to work things out. When I confronted her, she of course said she was sorry. I told her if we have any chance of moving forward I would need 100% honesty and asked to see her phone, but she refused. *She said I broke her trust by going through her phone messages while she was sleeping.*
> 
> Bull****, she doesn't have the right of privacy to cheat in a marriage. Just yout typical cheaterspeak
> 
> What a joke. I asked her to leave the house and stay with a friend. She got angry and said that this is her house and that I should leave! I finally got her to leave by calling the spouse of her lover (they were both good friends of ours) and as I got her on the phone she says "Fine I'll leave, please don't tell her". *She says it's not my place to tell her and it should be him that confesses.* Apparently their family is more important to her than ours.
> 
> The biggest mistakes most betrayed spouse make is believing they cause the affair.. You had nothing to do with her decision to cheat with a friend that was a willing conscious decision she made and it's on her. The second worst mistake is not informing the other mans wife. It's not your job to help hide their affair.. It's not going to push your wife away because she's already gone but it might be the only wake up call that could end the affair. Other man is not going to tell his wife. What he and your wife will do at this time is cover for themselves and make you out to be a crazy jealous husband.
> 
> Call the other mans wife immediately and expose this now. You should have already done this!!!!!
> 
> Fast-forward a couple days to this morning, we started talking about what to tell the kids. I told her that I don't want to lie to them and she tells me that that's not fair because our relationship has been degrading over a long time, and she shouldn't be the only one to blame for separating. I admit I have been far from perfect and went through a bit of depression due to health and job issues. But I have also been trying hard to make things better, not realizing that it didn't actually matter to her. I couldn't stand talking to her and had to leave the house, I couldn't take her BS anymore, ended up walking around for hours while we continued the conversation over text messages. *She eventually told me "I do love you. I always will. I'm just not in love with you anymore." WTF does that even mean? *I don't even want to start wondering about the semantic differences, I just know that's her way of saying she want's to part ways (although it was already pretty obvious).
> 
> Typical cheaterspeak. They all do this
> 
> I just can't help crying when I'm alone, especially when I think about how this will affect the kids. Right now I just want to do what's best for them and we can't even agree on that. I told her maybe we should see someone who specializes in this.
> 
> Anyways, thanks for the advice and support. I do plan to contact a lawyer and see the doctor tomorrow.


You need a hard 180 immediately. Talk and your words are meaningless in this situation. Actions speak louder. Get to and attorney and get a consultation to find out your rights in this.

Better wake up and get strong very quick. If you don't you're going to get walked on


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## Marc878

I hope you kept evidence!!!!! You'll probably need it.


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## sunsetmist

You may need to know abbreviations in the future. 180 is at end if you need that.
AAMOF = as a matter of fact
AP = Affair Partner
ASAP = as soon as possible
ASAP = as soon as possible
b/c = because
BAK = back at keyboard
BBFN = bye bye for now
BBL = be back later
BBS = be back soon
BF = boyfriend or best friend
BFN = bye for now
BH = Betrayed Husband
BIL = brother-in-law
BK = back
BRB = be right back
BRBGGP = be right back gotta go potty
BS = Betrayed Spouse 
BSC = Bat sh*t crazy
BTDT = been there, done that
BTW = by the way
BW = Betrayed Wife
CRAFT = can't remember a fricking thing
CRS = can't remember stuff (or use your imagination for S)
CSA = Childhood Sexual Abuse
CU = see you
CUL8R = see you later
CWIM = see what I mean
CYA = see ya
DB = dear boyfriend
DC = dear child
DD = dear daughter
D-Day = divorce day -or- affair Discovery Day
DF = dear fiancée
DG = dear girlfriend
DH = dear husband
DS = dear son
DSD = dear stepdaughter
DSS = dear stepson
DW = dear wife
EA = emotional affair
exH = ex husband
exW = ex wife
FIL = father-in-law
FOO = Family of Origin
FTR = for the record
FWH = former wayward husband
FWIW = for what it's worth
FWW = former wayward wife
FYI = for your information
GF = girlfriend
GMTA = great minds think alike
GNO = Girls Night Out
GP = general practitioner
GTG = got to go
HD = High drive (sexual)
HTH = HTH hope this helps
IBRB = I’ll be right back
IC = Individual counseling 
IDK = I don't know
IIRC = if I recall correctly
ILYNILWYA = "I love you, not in love with you anymore." 
IMHO = in my humble opinion
IMNSHO = in my not so humble opinion
IMO = in my opinion
ISSF = I’m so sexually frustrated
J/J = just joking
J/K = just kidding
KISA = Knight in Shining Armor
KWIM = know what I mean
LD = low drive (sexual drive)
LMAO = laughing my ass off
LOL = laughing out loud
LOL = laughing out loud
LOLROF = laughing out load, rolling on floor
LTNS = long time no see
MC = marriage counseling
MIL = mother-in-law
MYOB = mind your own business
NC = No Contact 
NE = any
NMS = not my style
NMSAA = not my style at all
NP = no problem
OM = other man
OMG = oh my gosh
ONS = one night stand
OP = original poster
OSF = OSF Opposite Sex Friends
OT = off topic
OTOH = ON THE OTHER HAND
OW = other woman
PA = physical affair
PA = (sometimes) passive aggressive
PIV = penis in vagina referring to "traditional" sex
PM = private message
POV = POV point of view
PP = previous poster
PUA = Pick Up Artist
ROF = rolling on floor
ROFL = rolling on floor laughing
ROFLMAO = rolling on floor laughing my a** off
ROFLOL = rolling on floor laughing out loud
ROTF = rolling on the floor
SAHD = stay-at-home dad
SAHM = stay-at-home mom
SAHP = stay-at-home parent
SIL = sister-in-law
SNAFU = situation normal all fouled up
SO = significant other
SOL = sh** out of luck
SOS = same old stuff (or use you imagination)
STBX = soon to be ex
SWMBO = She Who Must Be Obeyed
TAM = Talk About Marriage
T/J = thread jack
TIA = thanks in advance
TMI = too much information
TOM = the other man
TOW = the other woman
TTFN = tata for now
TTYL = talk to you later
UR = your or you're
VAR = voice activated recorder
W/E = whatever
WAH = work at home
WAW = Walk Away Wife
WB = welcome back
WH = Wayward Husband
WOH = work out of the home
WS = Wayward Spouse
WTG = way to go
WW = Wayward Wife
YW = your welcome

180 for Betrayed Spouses


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## Evinrude58

madandsad said:


> Thanks for the advice. She doesn't seem to want to work things out. When I confronted her, she of course said she was sorry. I told her if we have any chance of moving forward I would need 100% honesty and asked to see her phone, but she refused. She said I broke her trust by going through her phone messages while she was sleeping. What a joke. I asked her to leave the house and stay with a friend. She got angry and said that this is her house and that I should leave! I finally got her to leave by calling the spouse of her lover (they were both good friends of ours) and as I got her on the phone she says "Fine I'll leave, please don't tell her". She says it's not my place to tell her and it should be him that confesses. Apparently their family is more important to her than ours.
> 
> Fast-forward a couple days to this morning, we started talking about what to tell the kids. I told her that I don't want to lie to them and she tells me that that's not fair because our relationship has been degrading over a long time, and she shouldn't be the only one to blame for separating. I admit I have been far from perfect and went through a bit of depression due to health and job issues. But I have also been trying hard to make things better, not realizing that it didn't actually matter to her. I couldn't stand talking to her and had to leave the house, I couldn't take her BS anymore, ended up walking around for hours while we continued the conversation over text messages. She eventually told me "I do love you. I always will. I'm just not in love with you anymore." WTF does that even mean? I don't even want to start wondering about the semantic differences, I just know that's her way of saying she want's to part ways (although it was already pretty obvious).
> 
> I just can't help crying when I'm alone, especially when I think about how this will affect the kids. Right now I just want to do what's best for them and we can't even agree on that. I told her maybe we should see someone who specializes in this.
> 
> Anyways, thanks for the advice and support. I do plan to contact a lawyer and see the doctor tomorrow.


Sooo,
Your ex cheated. Lies about everything but what you know. She cares more about AP and his wife finding out than your own kids and you. She wants to lie to the kids because she has zero conscience about what she’s done and as long as she doesn’t look the bad guy to anyone, she’s fine.
She loves you (yeah, you betray people you really care about), but not in love with you... yeah hard to be in love with your husband with a vagina full of another man’s penis, huh?

Your wife is a pretty classical remorseless, disgusting, sad excuse for a parent and person.

There’s nothing for you here except divorce.

You are doing well to see your Dr.

Having one’s life and future as they currently see it destroyed is really hard, as is finding out the person you thought you loved is a DIFFERENT kind of human than you thought—- really tough to get past.

But get past it you will. I went through it. You can as well. My future is a lot brighter without my ex.
Yours will be,too. This is a gift. You’ll see it that way,
too, eventually. Sorry for your pain.


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## aine

madandsad said:


> Thanks for the advice. She doesn't seem to want to work things out. When I confronted her, she of course said she was sorry. I told her if we have any chance of moving forward I would need 100% honesty and asked to see her phone, but she refused. She said I broke her trust by going through her phone messages while she was sleeping. What a joke. I asked her to leave the house and stay with a friend. She got angry and said that this is her house and that I should leave! I finally got her to leave by calling the spouse of her lover (they were both good friends of ours) and as I got her on the phone she says "Fine I'll leave, please don't tell her". She says it's not my place to tell her and it should be him that confesses. Apparently their family is more important to her than ours.
> 
> Fast-forward a couple days to this morning, we started talking about what to tell the kids. I told her that I don't want to lie to them and she tells me that that's not fair because our relationship has been degrading over a long time, and she shouldn't be the only one to blame for separating. I admit I have been far from perfect and went through a bit of depression due to health and job issues. But I have also been trying hard to make things better, not realizing that it didn't actually matter to her. I couldn't stand talking to her and had to leave the house, I couldn't take her BS anymore, ended up walking around for hours while we continued the conversation over text messages. She eventually told me "I do love you. I always will. I'm just not in love with you anymore." WTF does that even mean? I don't even want to start wondering about the semantic differences, I just know that's her way of saying she want's to part ways (although it was already pretty obvious).
> 
> I just can't help crying when I'm alone, especially when I think about how this will affect the kids. Right now I just want to do what's best for them and we can't even agree on that. I told her maybe we should see someone who specializes in this.
> 
> Anyways, thanks for the advice and support. I do plan to contact a lawyer and see the doctor tomorrow.



Of course this a huge shock for you but it is not time to be weak. It is time for you to get your game face on and act accordingly.

1. Do the 180 on her, no communication about the affair, your marriage, only about absolutely necessary things like the house, kids, etc. Read about the purpose of the 180, it is to help you get a solid footing and disengage, you have to be willing to lose this marriage to save it. Either way it will help you to get focus.

2. Go and see a lawyer as to what your options are. See whether you can ask her to leave the home. Good move to kick her out of the house.

3. Act as if you totally believe her i.e. that the marriage is over and you are moving on. Go to the gym, go out with friends, try not to be around so much. Do not ask her anything about where she is, don't tell her anything about what you are doing.

4. Tell her there must be full disclosure, OM's name, etc. She must do a timeline of her affair. Then contact OM's wife (she ought to know). *DO NOT COVER FOR THEM. Of course she doesn't want this exposed. Stop listening to your lying cheating wife. Everything she is saying is exactly from the cheater's handbook. Bes strong, swift and decisive and cut this affair at its roots. Tell the OM's wife NOW, tell all her and your family and friends, do not cover this up. Affairs only thrive in darkness. Even if your marriage doesn't work out, it sure doesn't have a chance while the affair is going on *

Exposing will blow up the affair and your wife may want you as her Plan B. Don't ever consider being her Plan B. If you expose the affair she will be angry, let her, smile and tell her that your are not going to cover for her while she destroys two families.

5. If the marriage is to work, she must consent to 'No contact" full IC followed by MC. She is probably in the affair fog and is willing to blow up her family because of it. Yes you may have contributed to the problems in the marriage but that is no excuse for what she is doing, cheating with another woman's husband and destroying their family too. Typical selfishness of a cheater.

6. Tell your family and close friends what is happening. Do not cover for her, expose, expose, expose. The affair fog usually begins to dissipate when there has to be accountability and it is no longer so exciting when every one knows your wife is being a ****. You do not have to protect her from this fall out. Go completely scorched earth, find your inner anger.

7. YOu must take decisive action and follow the above, whatever you do, do NOT cry, beg, plead under no circumstances as that will drive a nail further into the coffin of your marriage. Much of this is counter intuitive because you are scared to lose the marriage but she will have the upper hand if you don't take back control in this way.

BTW how are your kids?


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## madandsad

Thank you all for the responses and help. I know everyone is saying I have to be strong but this is all a shock to me, I can't believe it is really happening. Not being emotional about all of it is easier said than done... how do people just stop thinking about what happened and get their "game face on"? How can you not cry when you think about how sad/confused/hurt/angry your kids will be when you tell them and they demand to know why? This kind of pain isn't something I'd wish on anyone, let alone my kids.



> The biggest mistakes most betrayed spouse make is believing they cause the affair


Well I certainly could have done better at times, being depressed and anti-social is not something I wanted. I did and still do really want to change, I've in fact been changing (contacting old friends that I've lost touch with, playing sports I used to play, etc). But I agree with you, my faults were something that I could work on, whereas her affair is like throwing a bomb in the middle of everything. Even if she wanted to separate, I can't think of a crueler thing she could have done to me.



> The second worst mistake is not informing the other mans wife.


Well I kind of used this as a way for her to leave the house on Friday night. She has been back since Saturday afternoon by the way. We actually had made dinner plans a while ago for them to come over Saturday along with another family whom we're all friends with. Of course I told my wife to cancel it. When I had the other man's wife on the phone Friday night, I didn't tell her and I think I started mumbling some nonsense. She seemed to have understood that I wanted to meet up with the other man (we were friends, used to play sports, watch rugby, have BBQs, etc.), but then Saturday night she texts me saying that she was confused because he wasn't aware of any plans. And she was also wondering as to why my wife cancelled last minute and asked if everything was OK. I replied that I was sorry about the confusion and asked if she had to time talk. I haven't heard anything from her since then. I'm pretty sure that made her suspicious since I generally speak directly to her husband if we do hang out, and she probably asked him what was going on. I have a feeling he knows that the jig is up and confessed to her. I texted her again Sunday morning asking if she was OK, and to let me know if she wanted to talk. But no response.



> She wants to lie to the kids because she has zero conscience about what she’s done and as long as she doesn’t look the bad guy to anyone, she’s fine.


Well she doesn't want to lie, she just wants to leave out what she did. And I don't want to use the "we stopped loving each other" line because that would be lying to them. I loved her...
After reading a bit on how to talk to kids about this, it seems expert agree that she is right, i.e. that it's important to avoid blaming: "Your children do not need to hear from either of you the faults of the other – remember, you are the people they love and are closest to in their whole world – that won’t change for them even if it has for you." I just don't know what I'd say when they ask why.



> you have to be willing to lose this marriage to save it.


I think it is beyond saving at this point, as she pretty much made up her mind on Friday when she refused to show me her phone. And honestly, I don't know if that is something I want myself. This kind of betrayal is not something I will ever forget. I have a hard time with the mental images of them together and haven't been sleeping for more than a few hours a night. I can't lay down without thinking about it.



> Tell her there must be full disclosure, OM's name, etc. She must do a timeline of her affair.


I asked her on Friday as I think it is human nature to want to know every last detail. She just told me they slept together a few times in the past month, but remained vague. I didn't push for details because I realized I couldn't believe anything she says anymore anyways. As much as I want to know, what is the point of asking for full disclosure and a timeline? At this point if we decided we need to separate it seems strange to go back to her and ask for that.

Also this step is confusing because in step one about doing the 180, you said "no communication about the affair".



> Tell the OM's wife NOW, tell all her and your family and friends, do not cover this up. Affairs only thrive in darkness. Even if your marriage doesn't work out, it sure doesn't have a chance while the affair is going on


As I mentioned above, although I didn't tell his wife yet, I have a feeling she now knows and confronted OM. I understand that I need to tell her, if I were in her place I would want to know. I have talked to my parents about it as well. But I don't understand why I need to let everyone else know, her family? her friends? What do I do, just call them up and say "Hi just calling to let you know that we're separating because she cheated on me. Ok bye." That just seems weird and kind of petty to be honest...



> If you expose the affair she will be angry, let her, smile and tell her that your are not going to cover for her while she destroys two families.


I don't plan on hiding it from people... but actively calling her friends and family just to let them know seems like a different thing.



> If the marriage is to work, she must consent to 'No contact" full IC followed by MC. She is probably in the affair fog and is willing to blow up her family because of it.


I've already asked if she wants to make this work on Friday, by first being completely honest and transparent. Apparently, that was too much. At this point I don't think this is recoverable.



> BTW how are your kids?


We haven't said anything to them yet, but I'm pretty sure the 11 year old knows something's not right... she saw my wife crying and leaving on Friday night. She is the quiet type though and hasn't said anything. I just let her know that we just had an argument but that everything will be OK.


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## Marc878

madandsad said:


> Well I certainly could have done better at times, being depressed and anti-social is not something I wanted. I did and still do really want to change, I've in fact been changing (contacting old friends that I've lost touch with, playing sports I used to play, etc). But I agree with you, my faults were something that I could work on, whereas her affair is like throwing a bomb in the middle of everything. Even if she wanted to separate, I can't think of a crueler thing she could have done to me.
> 
> The affair is al on her you aren't perfect but neither is she. Did you have an affair?
> 
> Well I kind of used this as a way for her to leave the house on Friday night. She has been back since Saturday afternoon by the way. We actually had made dinner plans a while ago for them to come over Saturday along with another family whom we're all friends with. Of course I told my wife to cancel it. When I had the other man's wife on the phone Friday night, I didn't tell her and I think I started mumbling some nonsense. She seemed to have understood that I wanted to meet up with the other man (we were friends, used to play sports, watch rugby, have BBQs, etc.), *but then Saturday night she texts me saying that she was confused because he wasn't aware of any plans. And she was also wondering as to why my wife cancelled last minute and asked if everything was OK. *
> 
> Like I said he never told her a thing.
> 
> I replied that I was sorry about the confusion and asked if she had to time talk.but then Saturday night she texts me saying that she was confused because he wasn't aware of any plans. And she was also wondering as to why my wife cancelled last minute and asked if everything was OK. I haven't heard anything from her since then. I'm pretty sure that made her suspicious since I generally speak directly to her husband if we do hang out, and she probably asked him what was going on. *I have a feeling he knows that the jig is up and confessed to her.* I texted her again Sunday morning asking if she was OK, and to let me know if she wanted to talk. But no response.
> 
> Nope, all cheaters lie, hide and deny. Would you want to be kept in the dark if she knew before you? You are helping cover up the affair. This is just an excuse not to do what's needed. Big mistake on your part. What's this getting you? It often enables the affair. You can work on nothing while that's going on. Don't think it stops just because you found out.
> 
> Well she doesn't want to lie, she just wants to leave out what she did. And I don't want to use the "we stopped loving each other" line because that would be lying to them. I loved her...
> 
> She's lieing by omission
> 
> After reading a bit on how to talk to kids about this, it seems expert agree that she is right, i.e. that it's important to avoid blaming: "Your children do not need to hear from either of you the faults of the other – remember, you are the people they love and are closest to in their whole world – that won’t change for them even if it has for you." I just don't know what I'd say when they ask why.
> 
> Keep them in the dark won't do them any good. More excuses to dodge any conflict. I've seen this played both ways. The truth in a sanitized way is always best.
> 
> I think it is beyond saving at this point, as she pretty much made up her mind on Friday when she refused to show me her phone. And honestly, I don't know if that is something I want myself. This kind of betrayal is not something I will ever forget. I have a hard time with the mental images of them together and haven't been sleeping for more than a few hours a night. I can't lay down without thinking about it.
> 
> If you expose and her other man dumps her. She'll probably change her tune. But right now you are keeping yourself in limbo
> 
> I asked her on Friday as I think it is human nature to want to know every last detail. She just told me they slept together a few times in the past month, but remained vague. I didn't push for details because I realized I couldn't believe anything she says anymore anyways. As much as I want to know, what is the point of asking for full disclosure and a timeline? At this point if we decided we need to separate it seems strange to go back to her and ask for that.
> 
> She's not committed so she's not going to tell you anymore than you know. It's called trickle truthing.
> 
> Also this step is confusing because in step one about doing the 180, you said "no communication about the affair".
> 
> Then why are you speaking with her at all? Kids or business only.
> 
> As I mentioned above, although I didn't tell his wife yet, I have a feeling she now knows and confronted OM. I understand that I need to tell her, if I were in her place I would want to know. I have talked to my parents about it as well. But I don't understand why I need to let everyone else know, her family? her friends? What do I do, just call them up and say "Hi just calling to let you know that we're separating because she cheated on me. Ok bye." That just seems weird and kind of petty to be honest...
> 
> You need to tell his wife. No need for full exposure at this time.
> 
> I don't plan on hiding it from people... but actively calling her friends and family just to let them know seems like a different thing.
> 
> 
> *I've already asked if she wants to make this work on Friday, by first being completely honest and transparent. Apparently, that was too much. At this point I don't think this is recoverable.*
> 
> Big mistake offering her R upfront. It takes two. At this time you are letting her have control of the situation when it should be you. Don't jump into Marriage counseling either. Most will just rugsweep or put it on you. It takes two to R and the full truth. At this time she's not R material..
> 
> We haven't said anything to them yet, but I'm pretty sure the 11 year old knows something's not right... she saw my wife crying and leaving on Friday night. She is the quiet type though and hasn't said anything. I just let her know that we just had an argument but that everything will be OK.


It seems like you're asking for advice but are hesitant to take charge. She put you in this place you're in but it will be up to you to get out of it. The Calvary isn't coming.

Better wake up and get strong fast or you will linger in the limbo hell your wayward wife has put you in.

You are the only one that can keep you there.


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## Marc878

I get you're in shock. The quicker you wake up the better off you'll be. Good thing going to your parents you need al, the help and support you can get at this time.

Infidelity happens all the time. Don't be embarrassed you didn't do this. 

I would see an attorney and at least understand your rights in this situation. Knowledge is power and the more you know the better of you'll be.

Good luck


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## Marc878

If your wayward wife wants to reconcile this it would have to be total no contact with her other man which means you have to cut off the other family completely forever. It also takes @ 2-5 years for R with no guarantees 

Not to mention some serious individual counciling got her to fix herself. Skip any MC for now.

As you've seen she has the capability to cheat and it doesn't just go away.


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## Lostinthought61

I disagree the kids should know that mommy did something awful that destroyed the marriage...she broke your vows...that is bs...I would also confront the so called friend as well.


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## jlg07

Do NOT let her stop you from contacting the POSOM wife. Call her YOURSELF without your wife around.
She needs to know what a POS she is married to. You need to blow this up.

Make sure you keep the evidence. You DO need to be truthful to the kids (tell them in a age-appropriate manner), but SHE doesn't get to decide that -- YOU do. She of course wants to keep everything quite so that nobody finds out what a horrible person she is..

Do NOT believe anything that she tells you -- she will be trying to gaslight you and minimize everything.


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## madandsad

> Nope, all cheaters lie, hide and deny. Would you want to be kept in the dark if she knew before you? You are helping cover up the affair. This is just an excuse not to do what's needed. Big mistake on your part. What's this getting you? It often enables the affair. You can work on nothing while that's going on. Don't think it stops just because you found out.


I agree with you, I tried calling her tonight but it's going straight to voicemail... and she still hasn't answered my texts. I do feel really bad that I didn't tell her right away. I can't believe I let my wife convince me not to tell her... I am such an idiot.



> Keep them in the dark won't do them any good. More excuses to dodge any conflict. I've seen this played both ways. The truth in a sanitized way is always best.


What is a sanitized way? This seems like a hard thing to tell a 7 year old... What do people say? "We both love you very much, but mommy has someone else that she also cares a lot about, so mommy and daddy are going to be living in different houses now"?



> Then why are you speaking with her at all? Kids or business only.


Yea, that's what I'm doing, but I was confused about the advice to ask for a timeline of the affair when step one said don't ask about the affair.


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## personofinterest

Look, your kids know something is off. Kids tend to blame themselves when marriages end. They need to know. They need to know about the infidelity because it DOES impact them.

Sit them down without your wife there and tell them that married people are supposed to be faithful to each other and not have boyfriends.

Exposing is not for revenge. It is for support. And it IS your place. In fact, you are pretty much the only one whose place it is. Because it is YOUR marriage. Besides, maybe some of her moral friends can encourage her to do the right thing.

Stop trying to reason with her and be proactive. Expose, be honest with your kids, and do NOT leave your home.


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## Evinrude58

It's very likely the OM has told his wife some total BullS story and made you out to be a lunatic that wants to stir up trouble in their marriage. His wife doesn't want to believe he's a cheating *******, so she naturally wants to believe the story and treat you (OP) like you have the plague, which is what you're doing. If she knows, then she doesn't want to talk to you because she's ashamed or just in a bad state of mind in general and doesn't want to talk. 

You listened to your wife when she told you not to tell? BAD MOVE. That's what trauma does to a person. But here's what you do. You likely won't do it.

1 Find a lawyer you trust, and get a free consultation from all the best lawyers in your area so she can't use them against you. You're divorcing, let's face it. She doesn't want to reconcile. She DOES NOT LOVE YOU. She is now ENEMY NUMBER ONE in your life. You can't see this. She still looks like your wife. She hasn't been and is not since she started banging another man.

2 Tell the OM's wife, as long as your lawyer says it's o.k. to do so. You don't have to tell the world.

3 See your doctor. If the anxiety and depression is as bad as mine was, you need some freaking help to deal with it and there's no shame in getting help.

4 Don't tell all your friends and coworkers about your story. Keep it to yourself and find one or two trusted friends or relatives and confide in them. Talk with them regularly. 

5 EXERCISE. It will make you feel better, help with the depression, get your mind off things, etc.

6 Stop talking to your wife. Treat her like the black cloud she is. DO NOT talk to her except one word responses dealing with your kids. 
You are correct in not wanting a "timeline" and all the details. You wouldn't get the truth from a cheater if Jesus was standing beside them watching when they claimed to tell it. The truth is not something a cheater is capable of giving.

7 Start working on a totally new future and never look back. I know you're hurting, confused, scared, betrayed... I know your emotions are all over the place. That's why you have to follow simple steps and not falter in them. You will not get over this tomorrow or next week or next month. But if you don't sit around worrying and take the above actions, your pain will not be everlasting. 

We are all rooting for you to get up and get moving toward your new life.


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## Marc878

​


madandsad said:


> I agree with you, I tried calling her tonight but it's going straight to voicemail... and she still hasn't answered my texts. I do feel really bad that I didn't tell her right away. I can't believe I let my wife convince me not to tell her... I am such an idiot.
> 
> You were in shock. It happens. So what. You know better now.
> 
> 
> What is a sanitized way? This seems like a hard thing to tell a 7 year old... What do people say? "We both love you very much, but mommy has someone else that she also cares a lot about, so mommy and daddy are going to be living in different houses now"?
> 
> IMO it's early I would just tell them we are having an issue.
> 
> If it goes to D then you just say mommy has a boyfriend and we can't be married anymore.
> 
> Yea, that's what I'm doing, but I was confused about the advice to ask for a timeline of the affair when step one said don't ask about the affair.


No contact will get you some clarity. There really is nothing to discuss at this time. She like most thinks she has a future with him. That's why you got nowhere. 

Kids or business. I would communicate by text or email only. Civil but brief. 

Upfront most just want them back. Then it will dawn on you what you're getting back. Better put some thought into this. You can't think straight if you're tied up in this.

Do not beg, plead or cry for her. No ultimatums that you are not prepared to carry out or you will just put yourself in a weakened condition.

I would not let her back at this time. That is the choice she made upfront. Her tears, crying at this time are for her only. You and the family don't matter. The affair trumps sll.

Tell his wife as soon as possible. The quicker that's out the clearer the picture will become.

I suspect her H is doing some (serious cover his ass) probably at your expense. Don't be surprised that you wife maybe helping him. They all seem to try and protect the AP. Very typical. They all do this.

Keep posting if you need more info.


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## Marc878

Is she still out of the home?

If you go online you can probably tell when this started.

Like most you only know the tip of the iceberg


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Well, you could have handled it better, and you could have handled it worse. Only those who have been in a similar situation can relate. I am a combat veteran thought I was tough, but discovering my FWWs unfaithfulness knock me to my knees literally.

Here is what I can tell you from personal experience:
- Exposure. If your ultimate goal is reconciliation, nothing kills an affair better than this. Email or call both of your parents, your friends, and if you want to take it to the extreme, expose on social media. I did.

- Do not ask, order her to leave the marital bedroom, and if possible, the house. She needs CONSEQUENCES.

- Consult a lawyer and know your rights as well as what you are on the hook for financially.

- Read the 180, and implement it. Wonderful tool.

- Do not speak to her, do not engage her in any fashion. 

- work on yourself. Hit the gym as it does wonders for stress.

- keep a light hand on the bottle. Alcohol only makes the situation worse.

Keep in mind none of this is on you. She owns this 100%. She is in self rationalization mode from what you post as she is rewriting your marital history. Call bull**** on this.

Cheaters lie! Commit this to memory. Your threat to expose brings back memories when I Went the exposure route. Also, took our marital bed which was a family heirloom , to my farm and built a big ass bonfire, tossed it in the fire made a video took a few pictures and sent them to FWW. Got my point across. 
Fake it until you make it.

You need to go scorched earth on your wife. Make her twist and squirm as much as possible.

PM me if you need advice.


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## Marc878

read lonely husbands thread. He got it tight upfront


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## Decorum

madandsad said:


> "As I mentioned above, although I didn't tell his wife yet, I have a feeling she now knows and confronted OM. I understand that I need to tell her, if I were in her place I would want to know.


That almost NEVER happens.

Usually they lie their ass off something like this, "Oh her husband is crazy, they were having trouble and I was just trying to give her advice, she said he has become so paranoid and is borderline abusive, and now he thinks we were having an affair for gods sake. Dont have anything to do with him until they get their crap straightened out".

So yes your halfway measure has probably hurt her more, by making it easier for him to lie.

You kids will know the full truth one day. "Our relationship was in a rough patch, and your mother chose to find another boyfriend because of it, I caught her and we seperated".

Dot let her shame or bully you.

Think abou the message you are sending when you tell them what she wants to.


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