# Frustration with marriage and divorce fears



## Fimbo (Feb 15, 2021)

I’ve been married ten years, but living with wife for 15 in total. We’ve one child. The last few years have been particularly hard. We’re both to blame for some things, but I have become increasingly frustrated by her lack of any contribution to our family. I am the sole breadwinner. She had a job for a few years, but since becoming unemployed 8 years ago has made no effort to find work. She constantly self diagnoses herself with various ailments and conditions, but won’t ever get any of these checked out or confirmed by a doctor. She does nothing in the home, so not only do i have a full time job, but do nearly all the cooking, dishes, laundry as well. It just doesn’t feel fair.

I’m worried that divorce may eventually come up. This sounds crazy but I can’t afford it. We have little disposable income as I’m paying off a lot of debt she has created (although stupidly I’ve allowed to become in my name). She would be entitled to half the home and probably half my pension too. Given her failure to make any real contribution for many years this doesn’t seem fair.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

It's wise to do it sooner than later. 

She'll have to get a job once you are divorced.

How old is the child?

Half of the value of the house IS fair, if the equity accumulated during the marriage. 

You are the one who stayed so long with someone who wasn't contributing.


----------



## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I recommend you seek out legal advice in your area today and start planning. She also carries the burden of debts as well as assets. You need to document her lack of employment. As well, it may help to document her sole involvement in racking up certain unauthorized debts. Hate to say but many courts side with women so you may want to start recording or other useful tactics to prove her lack of function in the home.


----------



## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

Fimbo, there will never be a perfect time for divorce. If you divorce her now, you will only owe her half of your pension today. If you divorce in 10 years, guess what? You're still going to owe her half the pension and you will have even LESS time working to make up for it. If you can't afford to divorce her now, you sure as hell aren't going to afford in 10 years when she's still not contributing and has racked up even more debt. In fact, you can't afford not to get out now while you still have plenty of time to make up for the losses.

I agree with bob. Go see a lawyer. She too will be responsible for half the debt which is better than you shouldering 100% of it like you are right now.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Why is she not doing any housework if she’s not working and there’s only one child?

Feel for you, that’s not a team.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Fimbo said:


> She does nothing in the home, so not only do i have a full time job, but do nearly all the cooking, dishes, laundry as well. It just doesn’t feel fair.


That's because it isn't.

If she were to pull her weight at home would you feel differently? I ask as I am a SAHP myself. But I do my role, I don't lay around like your wife seems to.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Fimbo said:


> She constantly self diagnoses herself with various ailments and conditions, but won’t ever get any of these checked out or confirmed by a doctor.


She has to give herself permission to be idle. Otherwise, her conscience interrupts her life of ease.

I'd advise you to see an attorney. You don't have to begin a divorce, just get the attorney's advice on where you stand, and what you'll need, to keep some of the assets you worked for, and she didn't.
Plain language, but that's the truth.



Fimbo said:


> Given her failure to make any real contribution for many years this doesn’t seem fair.


You're correct, it's not fair. But that's the way it is. Find the best ways to deal with what IS.


----------



## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

You should change your name to Mat...as in door mat because your wife is walking all over you. And you know why, don't you? Because you allow it and then you come here and whine that it's not fair. So you can divorce if you want to, or you can take control of this situation and save your family. You can't control your wife, but you can control yourself. So sit down with her and tell her why you are displeased. Tell her that you will no longer do laundry, dishes and cooking for her. Do it for yourself and your child and leave her stuff to her. Disrupt her world. By doing so, she might see you as strong instead of the weak man that she sees now and start to respect you, but you have to make this happen by taking control and quit letting her walk all over you.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You need to contact a lawyer. Yeah divorce sucks and you will get screwed over financially, but it will keep getting worse the longer you let this go on. You will have to pay more alimony, have more debt racked up, etc. Talk to a lawyer and see where you stand.


----------



## Yoni (Feb 7, 2021)

My husband get divorce recently finally he get out from it. He also try so many time done with that relationship but financially was hard. 
He live in a trailer and start get out of it.
Now he has house and car everything finally get out from the hell. I know you could get out.
But first year only will be difficult. But it's worth it.


----------



## Manner1067 (Feb 22, 2021)

I think this can probably be fixed before it goes to divorce court

You need to take a "no more Mr. Nice Guy" approach here, sit her down, and have a long talk. You have been letting her get away with things for a long time, and it sounds like she is bored, in a rut, probably depressed, etc.

If your child is old enough to be somewhat independent, your wife can fin at least a part time job, and she can help with household chores. Make a list and divvy up responsibilities. Don't be confrontational --but be assertive


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Fimbo said:


> I’ve been married ten years, but living with wife for 15 in total. We’ve one child. The last few years have been particularly hard. We’re both to blame for some things, but I have become increasingly frustrated by her lack of any contribution to our family. I am the sole breadwinner. She had a job for a few years, but since becoming unemployed 8 years ago has made no effort to find work. She constantly self diagnoses herself with various ailments and conditions, but won’t ever get any of these checked out or confirmed by a doctor. She does nothing in the home, so not only do i have a full time job, but do nearly all the cooking, dishes, laundry as well. It just doesn’t feel fair.
> 
> I’m worried that divorce may eventually come up. This sounds crazy but I can’t afford it. We have little disposable income as I’m paying off a lot of debt she has created (although stupidly I’ve allowed to become in my name). She would be entitled to half the home and probably half my pension too. Given her failure to make any real contribution for many years this doesn’t seem fair.


Time for you to sit her down and have that "come to Jesus' talk. Tell her you are done carrying the load for the household and it is time she pulled her finger out of her ass and did the housework. Stop doing the housework. When you cook, cook for yourself, launder for yourself. How old is your child> If the child is old enough they should also pull their weight. Stop giving your wife any spending money at all. If she needs something tell her to find a job. You need to man up and take back some control of your household and not let this so called wife take you for a ride.
Ask a lawyer about all the debt she created, see if you cannot transfer back to her. Is their an audit trail with documents, etc?

You need to act from here on out with resolve. Tell her off, she will not like the change in the status quo but you must remain firm and follow through.


----------



## vincent3 (May 31, 2018)

If you see a lawyer and the advice seems to portray her as the damsel who needs to be upheld no matter what (e.g. male duty to female prerogative), see a different lawyer.


----------



## CoachWisch (Mar 6, 2021)

Fimbo said:


> I’ve been married ten years, but living with wife for 15 in total. We’ve one child. The last few years have been particularly hard. We’re both to blame for some things, but I have become increasingly frustrated by her lack of any contribution to our family. I am the sole breadwinner. She had a job for a few years, but since becoming unemployed 8 years ago has made no effort to find work. She constantly self diagnoses herself with various ailments and conditions, but won’t ever get any of these checked out or confirmed by a doctor. She does nothing in the home, so not only do i have a full time job, but do nearly all the cooking, dishes, laundry as well. It just doesn’t feel fair.
> 
> I’m worried that divorce may eventually come up. This sounds crazy but I can’t afford it. We have little disposable income as I’m paying off a lot of debt she has created (although stupidly I’ve allowed to become in my name). She would be entitled to half the home and probably half my pension too. Given her failure to make any real contribution for many years this doesn’t seem fair.


Have you ever considered setting boundaries and terms? Also, I learned the very hard way that even when I asked for divorce as the exclusive breadwinner that she got alimony for 7 years at about 1/3 of my salary! There are ways to proceed here that won't be easy but if you love her and are willing to do that work it can be done!


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

If I had been taught for 8 years that I didn’t have to do a single thing but tell you I have some fake issue..... hell I’ll marry you. You allowed yourself to be made into a fool... that’s on you.

It always surprises me the amount of people that come in here that allowed themselves to be taken advantage of in some form or another for years and years and years.....and don’t realize they are the problem. You let it happen. That’s on you.


----------

