# Destroyed...



## Peridot (Dec 30, 2008)

This past weekend, my husband made a comment about my weight when we were making love. 

I already have issues with intimacy, and my husband often complains we are not intimate often enough. 

He is always picking at me: I laugh weird, I'm lazy, I'm selfish, I'm not dressed properly, my clothes don't fit well, I'm overweight, I'm spoiled, I'm too shy... etc. 

Now, I'm completely devastated. Not only did he criticize me, but he did it when I was the most vulnerable. 

I think I am in a full on depression now. All I could do yesterday was lay in bed. When we went out to lunch, I told him how I felt - how I feel he has broken me down until there is nothing left of me. How I feel like I've wasted 11 years of my life with him because I only feel bad about myself whenever he is around. Your partner is supposed to make you feel like you are a better person because they are around, right? 

He totally ignored me. He went on and on about how I'm a spoiled only child that is just making things up for the drama and that I'm not perfect and how the problems I have are all my own fault. 

Then he had the nerve to give me "action items" to improve our marriage. 1) I have to lose weight, 2) I have to print out the bank balance every night so he can control our finances, 3) I have to be willing to sleep with him more...

Yet, when I have my suggestions, they get ignored. I begged him not to take off his shoes/take off his clothes in the middle of the floor in the family room. He still does. I asked him not to play with his cellphone/iphone instead of talking to me when we go out to dinner (I've asked him this for as long as I've known him). Not once has he put it down (Yes, we sit at the table in silence as he plays with his iphone).

I ask for kindness. Not to wake up every morning and having him berate me for something. He refuses. He says he won't be able to be kind to me until I fix my problems. But a lot of my problems are because of the way he treats me! 

I've asked him to go to counselling, but he refuses. He says that all councellors always take the woman's side and that marriage councelling is just "divorce" councelling. 

I don't know what to do anymore.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Peridot-
This is most upsetting to hear.

However, there is one thing that is definitely your fault... you have let him walk all over you for years. When you are able to give him a single clear message that his put-downs are not acceptable, your marriage will change.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

sorry but my first ex did all the put me downs to me and what you wil find, is that all the insecurities are your husbands. yeh i was fat, ugly, who would ever want me . well if your so bad, why the heck did they marry you in the first place. makes me laugh.
i got rid of the first. ok now the second lol, but it took me 10 yrs post 1st ex, to say im attractive. 
i bet your confidence is so low. after i got rid of my ex, i lost some weight, gained my confidence and poked that one in his eye (actually i stabbed him, but thats another story lol.)

trouble is, you have this life you lead, for the rest of your life.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

You are married to a critical man.. he will not change.

You should start thinking about your life and what you want from it and making plans.... next time maybe look for a spouse based on different criteria as you will never change someone...


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## smgmtman (Jun 15, 2009)

That is correct preso, this is a behavior most men inadverently perform. There is in your face, and subtle hints but ever present.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Tell him you are done, that your life is too valuable to waste one more minute on such an insensitive, selfish lout. Then tell him to get out, and if he won't, start the paper work for a divorce anyway. Do not make this as a threat; do it. IF he takes action to change, you can put things on hold--but only if he fully meets your expectations for counseling, etc. Don't live with him or at least don't have sex with him or feed him or do his laundry or ANYTHING until he has earned the right to be your husband again. And while he is sputtering and screaming and doing whatever he does in the time between when you tell him and the time he decides to change or not change, get your life in order. Figure out what skills and resources you have, and what you can do with them. If you have kids, refuse to meet with him or have any discussions in the home. Tell them you and dad are having problems which you may or may not work out, but each of you will still see them and be a parent, etc. Then, get a job if you don't have one, find a place to live if you expect to have to sell the house (and consider living with a sibling or roommate, even if you have kids with you, to make it affordable; be flexible to opportunities and think outside the box), etc. By taking action and focusing on what you can control, you will feel more confident and slowly begin to recover from the damage he has done. You deserve better from YOU; stand up for yourself, and be proud. Things may not go perfectly and there will be problems, but you will figure them out--have faith! Good luck.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Your spirit is being broken, that is why it feels so very bad and you get depressed when you are around your guy. Your BRAIN is telling you your spirit it is hurting, but you are not paying attention to your spirit which is being crushed by his hurtful and inconsiderate behavior. 

You are not able to see that you have the power to change. Change is scary because change is powerful. You need to change and you know what you need to change. You can do it, you just think you can't, but you truly can.

Change your long needed behavior of hanging on to a loser and taking his toxic waste of a personality. 

Abuse of your spirit has caused you depression, depression is psychic pain. If you broke your arm the pain you would feel is a signal that you need to fix it, and you would! 

Your spirit is no different, it needs you to take care of it. A Bandaid won't work: you need _*surgery*_. Think of him as cancer on your soul, remove the cancer and your spirit will heal itself.

Good luck, you can do it.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I find it very difficult to make sound decisions while in the middle of a deep depression. I would advise helping yourself feel better before you make any rash decisions about leaving the marriage.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

smgmtman said:


> That is correct preso, this is a behavior most men inadverently perform. There is in your face, and subtle hints but ever present.



here is my advice...
if you too are unhappy with your weight, try losing weight.

If in fact your happy with your weight and healthy, you should confront him on his expectations.

Your weight seems to be the main problem as he finds it distasteful. Wondering? have you recently gained weight or something?



You have to be realisitc about things to start and go from there.


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## Terran007 (Jun 14, 2009)

I have to say that your husband sounds a heck of a lot like a narcissist (psychological term). Look it up, it might be pretty enlightening to what you're dealing with here.

Also, what exactly did he say about your weight? The only reason I ask is to try to understand if you were being too sensitive - not that there's any real _good_ excuse for mentioning weight in your most vulnerable moments.


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## TabbyCat (Jun 13, 2009)

Have a talk with yourself. Get angry! Don't let this beat on you. Do something...exercise. Get angry and exercise. You'll be amazed at what happens. Think on your anger while exercising. It will help with the depression. Get strong. Make him wonder what you are doing in YOUR life. Get control of yourself.

He'll start getting excited (maybe even threatened) once the pounds start coming off. Don't think about it as losing weight, think of it as anger management. You are going to have more confidence in yourself. You'll have your power back. And furthermore, just because you lose weight it shouldn't say to him that you are going to have sex. Showing intimacy physically is special and who wants to do it with someone that treats you poorly. Not a turn-on.

Start paying attention to yourself and he will start paying attention to you too. Phones stay in the car when you go out somewhere.

Hope things get better for you.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

you know, this is bad, but recently someone from my past showed up in my life, an old platonic friend from high school. She was very big and only had half her teeth.
I found myself doing the same thing when we went out to eat about commenting about her food choices ( and by doing so, it implied her weight which was dangerously large.
I guess I was trying to help her....................... 

She had just told me she had diabetes and I saw she weighed about 300 pounds and she ordered such fattening stuff, things really high in the glycemic index.. and I was thinking ...wtf??????
so I mentioned it to her.

I guess sometimes people try to help and do it at the wrong time.


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## string72 (Jun 21, 2009)

Are you close to any of his family, his sisters, cousins who he takes seriously? Can you convey your feelings through them and ask him to consider his behavior? Can you do the same to him that he is doing to you? 

Ask him if you two can go to the gym together, or go for walks in the park. When you are about to go out, can you misplace his iPhone deliberately? Or take one of your own, and play with it during your dinner? However big you get, he must be supportive of you and come up with solutions that are not hurtful. Try to give him the taste of his own medicine, and see if this works. 

It would also be great if you could wear lot of self confidence, look great, dress great and not listen to him. Take your own iPhone with you and not pay any attention to him.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I guess if your both very overweight that wopuld make him a jerk to comment on your weight.


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## Peridot (Dec 30, 2008)

I'm feeling a little better. I needed to recharge and focus on something else for a little while. 

I'm about 20lbs over what is considered a normal weight. I've been trying to lose weight, but my "helpful" husband has some really weird ideas on what dieting is all about (despite showing him articles). His theory: Don't eat. He says it works for him, so naturally, it would work for me. (He eats very poorly.) 

Uh-huh. I know well enough that doesn't work. All it does is shut down your metabolism and you lose weight, but only muscle, and eventually nothing at all. He just says that I have a lack in will-power.

So then he bought me Alli, which works, but our lifestyle is so crazy that it got really hard to stay below the 15g of fat a meal OR ELSE... especially since he hates any fast food place that offers ANY healthy options, like Subway. So, I stopped taking it because of the side-effects. Which of course made him mad. 

Then another supplement, Recreate, which didn't seem do do anything at all. Spent $40 on a bottle, used in a month, saw no reaction. 

Part of the problem is that I have a desk job, and have a 1.5 hour commute. So I'm sitting... a lot. I have a gym membership-there is one at my work, that I am good at going to it for several months at a time, until my schedule gets shaken up and my routine is broken and I don't go back for a few months. I've been trying to go down at lunch, but I would much rather get to my workplace early, go to the gym first off, and then go to work. Guess who doesn't want me to do that because he would have to get up an hour earlier.


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## Peridot (Dec 30, 2008)

When we first met, he told me he would leave me if I "got fat." I was in the 115lb range (which was the low end of healthy for my height) for a long time, when I was in college, etc. Now that I'm older, the weight has been slowly creeping up. 

It's not like I pig out on ice cream and carbs or anything.... however he likes some really bad-for-you food, like mac n' cheese, pizza, burritos, etc. When we first moved in together, I gained the bulk of my weight simply trying to make meals that he liked. I mean after all, mac n' cheese is fattening, but if you have someone always asking for it - and it is quick, easy and cheap to make... well you can guess what happens. 

So, I tried cooking healthier. Total opposition. He refused to eat it. You wouldn't believe how many meals I had to throw out because I couldn't finish the leftovers in time before they went bad. 

So now I've been trying to eat healthier... it's been easier since he is not always home for dinner. I buy him frozen meals and make myself the healthier food. 

Yet the weight is still hanging around. I think if I get to the gym, things will be a lot better. I plan on going after work today because I chose to sat here and finish my post.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Peridot said:


> Yet the weight is still hanging around. I think if I get to the gym, things will be a lot better. I plan on going after work today because I chose to sat here and finish my post.


Yep. You have to work out if you have a low metabolic rate, otherwise you will be living on lettuce, and saying "What's up Doc". 

I go running round the park most days. I hate it, but it keeps my V shaped torso from turning into a ^ shape


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## hagen123 (Mar 2, 2012)

I left a verbally and mentally abusive man 2 years ago. We have four children together and were married 14 years. It was absolutely the best decision I ever made. It hasn't been easy, he still tries to control me and manipulate me with his abuse, but the best thing now is, I can walk away, ignore his texts or hang up the phone. I don't have to listen to him tell our children, I have no say, I don't know what I'm talking about. I actually have an amazing relationship with my children now because of this change. It was so hard for me to leave, I went from verbally/mentally abusive controlling daddy to him at 21 years old...I'd never been on my own and I am so empowered now. No one deserves to be treated like that. I watched my father do the same to my mother and I finally woke up and realized I didn't want the cycle to continue anymore. You are probably a lot more beautiful than he gives you credit. And he is absolutely very insecure and so he takes it out on you. Don't listen to him. You sound like a very smart woman. You've recognized it...now do something about it. It won't be easy, but I'm sure you will find the inner strength and I promise you, you will feel better for it! Good luck!!!!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

EW! he sounds just like my ex! I walked out on that turd 10 years ago and never regretted it. Took our daughter and left. Yea, I had to come to terms with why I picked buttholes to have relationships with, but after a year of working on me, I picked MUCH better people until finally meeting my husband 7 years later.

It's not to late to be treated right.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

You know every time I read something like this I feel embarrassed as a man. Feel the need to apologize for the gender. 

You know its really not that hard to be kind to someone WTF guys.
You need to start looking at your options dear. No one should have to live like that. So sorry to hear he treats you that way.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Stonewall said:


> You know every time I read something like this I feel embarrassed as a man. Feel the need to apologize for the gender.
> 
> You know its really not that hard to be kind to someone WTF guys.
> You need to start looking at your options dear. No one should have to live like that. So sorry to hear he treats you that way.


thread is 3 years old, but really, apologize for our gender? men dont have a monopoly on abusive behavior


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

.


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