# Mother-In-Law



## coupleheart (Jul 7, 2016)

My Mother-In-Law wrote me the email below and expressed how she was basically sick of my fussing in front of her. Did take my fussing too far maybe but never the less it wasn’t over spilt milk. To draw the picture these fussing scenarios typically happen right before the holidays. This is when she typically travels to visit us and also the holidays are typically the time when people ore most pressed for time and the most stressed.

Below in BLACK is here issues with me and in GREEN are my responses to her. I’m looking for guidance to find out if I’m the oddball here or justified. Hopefully I’ll receive a mixture of response from both genders.



I have to say that I was alarmed on Sunday when you fussed at Michelle because of the coolers. I understand
that you may wipe off your beer bottles before you put them in the coolers, but everyone may not be aware to 
do that or even think about that. She was just trying to help you out, you spent 10-15 minutes or longer 
being upset and had Michelle upset as well as myself. Perhaps you could have just said thank you for helping me 
Michelle, but I wipe off the beer bottles before putting them in the cooler, I need to wipe them off, would you 
go and get more ice. That would have solved the problem, and no one would have been upset. 

1)	Address the cooler scenario: Perhaps the approach could have been better. To say no one would be upset is not realistic and here is why. I drove to get the ice and wasted 10/15 minutes of time and cost of ice (22 lb bags). When I discovered Michelle had put bottles of beer covered in drywall dust in the coolers it contaminated the water/ice. Therefore, Michelle had to drive and get replacement ice which in turns means additional time and money. I figured out our time per minute plus Michelle’s time per minute, plus cost of ice = $41 not to mention the cost of fuel on Michelle’s car/my car.

When you look at it this way, who fits this personality trait of a common person that shrugs it off and moves on? Person must be passive and rich.

Fussed at her about the balloons being on the china cabinet (which I put there because the boys were not minding 
me), 

2)	Balloon scenario: Please recall, the time we were out to dinner and our alarm went off in the house because of the balloons on the lower level. The airflow through our HVAC vents caused the balloons to move and triggered the alarm. In essence false alarms result in the village fining us $200 per act. I can choose to be passive or get upset trying to avoid.

Fussed at Michelle about the front door window which she knew nothing about,

3)	Don’t recall this one, need more info.

You fussed at Michelle about the boys having the CDs on the floor and she was not aware of it. 

4)	If I were in the room with CD/DVDs on floor, I would expect an adult to say something to boys or to me. This oversight results in damaged CDs. The last time the boys damaged Wii U game and resulted in replacing game at $50. Once again, just be passive or get upset and prevent. 


You fussed at Michelle about putting cover on the boys, and that was something I did. 

5)	During summer months equal hot weather (apx 90 degrees), equal my boys sweating at night, and perhaps getting dehydrated. Unlike us Michelle and I, they cannot go downstairs and get fresh water. It’s summer, no blankets on kids.


Thoughts to take away. . . 

You get upset at tings way smaller than the ones you pointed out.
Examples:
Get upset at cars parking behind our house when it’s not out property.
You get upset when the boys act up.

Both of these examples are way smaller than the ones you have pointed out.

Again looking for guidance. Am I out line or should I just be passive and live in land of acceptance. :surprise:


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

I don't know over what length of time all this occurred, but it sure seems like you spent a good bit of time chewing on Michelle. How old is she?


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

coupleheart said:


> My Mother-In-Law wrote me the email below and expressed how she was basically sick of my fussing in front of her. Did take my fussing too far maybe but never the less it wasn’t over spilt milk. To draw the picture these fussing scenarios typically happen right before the holidays. This is when she typically travels to visit us and also the holidays are typically the time when people ore most pressed for time and the most stressed.
> 
> Below in BLACK is here issues with me and in GREEN are my responses to her. I’m looking for guidance to find out if I’m the oddball here or justified. Hopefully I’ll receive a mixture of response from both genders.
> 
> ...


Okay, lets start this off by making sure I understand:

1. You "made a fuss" because Michelle put some beer bottles in a cooler without wiping them off. What do you mean by "made a fuss"? It sounds by your MIL's email that she's just trying to offer you some guidance. She sounds quite polite.

2. You "fussed" at Michelle (the wrong person) about some balloons being on top of a china cabinet. What does "fussed" mean here? 

3. You fussed at Michelle, but don't remember it. 

4. You fussed at Michelle over your boys having some CD's / DVD's out. Is Michelle your babysitter?

5. You "fussed" at Michelle for having a blanket on your kids in the summer, when she didn't, you MIL did. 

What is a "fuss" in your MIL's terms? What did you do? And who is Michelle? And why are you apparently rude to her. 

If you were planning on sending the green responses to your MIL, don't. You're going to make what is probably not a big deal into one.


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

Well, it sounds like that Michelle is quite the trouble maker ��

These do all sound like small incidents, sending emails about them seems a bit much. Do you get overly upset about things ( if you are being honest with yourself). That first incident with the bottle and the coolers...adding up time spent money wise and all that sounds Way overboard to me. Is this Michelle a young person, who just didn't think about wiping off the dusty bottles? It all sounds a bit much on both sides to me.

Balloons causing alarms to go off and fines of $200.. Yes, I would say something if I saw that, I would not fuss just say " oh that's not a good idea because...."

The other examples, small things that happen. Same with top two examples. People do things differently, not always to our liking. Maybe you could fuss less and she could stop making a big deal and sending emails. Seems like you could both stand to back off a bit. As for that Michelle, well she is obviously needing a good beating with a wet noodle.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

What exactly is "fussing?" Is it similar to a word that rhymes with itching?

You sound like a bit of a control freak. If you can't give up total control when people visit, don't have them over anymore. 

You don't like his family, do you?


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## LaceyW (Jun 21, 2016)

I'm intrigued to read the responses as well. By this, I simply mean that if I didn't know any better, I'd swear you were my husband lol. 

He is as he describes himself, anal retentive and type A personality. I am neither and it can be overwhelming sometimes because it feels like it's always something. Sometimes it's hard to argue the facts such as money and wear and tear on vehicles, but over the years we have learned to compromise. I've always preferred to look at things from a different perspective, for example, the beer, ice and drywall dust... it's a mistake easily remedied. A simple mistake and it's only made worse when the mistake is allowed to ruin everybody's day and having a good time. I feel like I'm running off topic. Sorry. As for your MIL, I honestly feel like this is something between you and your wife, this is something that should be discussed between you and her if she even feels it is an issue. 

Sent from my SM-G920T using Tapatalk


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

zookeeper said:


> What exactly is "fussing?" Is it similar to a word that rhymes with itching?
> 
> You sound like a bit of a control freak. If you can't give up total control when people visit, don't have them over anymore.
> 
> You don't like his family, do you?



I read the OP as the poster is male, Michelle is his wife, and the MIL in question is Michelle's mother. Perhaps the OP could clarify the relationships for us. 

But, no, it doesn't sound like the OP likes his in-law(s) much. And like he may be a bit on the picky/high-maintenance side. 

And yes, OP, what exactly constitutes "fussing"?


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## coupleheart (Jul 7, 2016)

40


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

Wait, is Michelle your wife? If so I completely misread this...I thought she was a younger sibling or something. If this is your wife your "fussing" changes the scenario. Mother in law needs to mind her business, unless your are abusing Michelle. You do need to clarify this "fussing". Are you being verbally abusive to your wife, or are you making mountains out of molehills? The first is inexcusable and the second is annoying.

I still can't get over the fact you took the time to add up cost, minutes with the ice chest thing. Very controlling. But that would be something you and Michelle need to work out, not your MIL.


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## coupleheart (Jul 7, 2016)

Technically the word fuss comes from my mother-in-law, not me. I believe my mother-in-law is try to convey that I could upset. And to be very clear about it the bottles of beer had drywall on them. I'm looking out for other people's health and do not want and consume drywall covered on beer bottles. To me it's not a small issue to get upset over the fact that I went out to purchase ice in the first place put them in the cooler to find out that beer was placed in the cooler after I purchased ice with drywall on them to then have to go back out and get back in the car drive another 15 min. spend more money nice and use of time. The easiest solution would've been just look at the bottles before you place them in the cooler, problem solved. So for me that is the main reason I'm upset over that particular issue because it's not a matter of picking up a bottle and having drywall covered on it. It's a matter of the bottle having drywall covered on it and then place it into cooler. This problem could have been easily avoided by just simply looking at the bottle of beer versus turning a very simple problem into a now long drawn out complicated. It's very easy for one to say go ahead and just go to the store and buy more ice if you're not the person doing it.

Just like in my home every time one of my small voice messes up one of our walls with the metal car I'm the one that has to go ahead and patch it up, send it, and then painted. Versus simply not thrown the car at the wall in the first place housing the problem. If my neighbors kid does something to the wrong house, why should I care? I don't care because it does not impact me therefore I do not have to get involved and put any effort into fixing the problem.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Ok, I'll assume "Fussed" is Red State dialect for getting annoyed? Just to clarify: "Annoyed" is not quite angry, and surely not enraged, more like "Ticked off". This is important, b/c if you lost your temper, we'd have a different chat.

If I got all that right, then I think the issue is your MIL's intrusion and sense of entitlement to comment on your behavior about things that do not involve her. And note, her presence there isn't the same thing. I'm not sure the issue is your wiping the beer bottles before putting them in the cooler..which sounds a little extreme to me, btw..but perfectly harmless....but rather her feeling she has the right, duty, and obligation to comment on them and demand something from you.

If I got that one right, too..I think the response to her might be something along the lines of "I am sorry of my behavior disturbed you, but I do not appreciate your feeling entitled to bring those events which are not directed at you to my attention".

The issue here isn't so much your behavior, but her sense of entitlement in basically demanding you cease them. That's a bit over the line, and I think that's the part that bothers you. You are not accountable to a third party. Michelle, yes. And the kids. But not your MIL.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, the solution to this is simple: Put the beer in the cooler yourself from now on. That way, your obviously incompetent wife can't mess it up and you won't have to go to all the trouble of correcting her screw-ups. 


More seriously, ask your MIL to respect your wishes to keep issues between yourself and your wife private. And then ask your wife to speak with her mother about it. In other words, it's fine to politely let her know that this sort of thing is none of her business and have your wife remind her of the same.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

So the beer bottles had drywall dust on them. Just what were you planning to do with the melted ice from the cooler? You couldn't drink it because it wouldn't be good even if there was no dust on the bottles.

The balloon problem was legitimate and could have been resolved with education. The cds don't belong on the floor anyway - education.

How old are your boys?

You know getting upset is only one alternative for you. You can dial it down a notch and inform people in a pleasant manner. Michelle isn't your maid - or is she?


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## coupleheart (Jul 7, 2016)

Yes Michelle is my wife and that is the reason why I titled the thread mother-in-law. My wife and I are two years apart and again I admit to getting sometimes over bent on scenarios. However many of the scenarios could've simply been avoided. Example, if my boys are outside playing baseball and just by pure accident one of them hit the ball and broke my window I would not get super mad only because I know it was simply an accident.but if you look at all of the incidents at hand that took place just before the Fourth of July weekend they could've been avoided. One throwing bottles and coolers covered with drywall. 2, leaving gain DVDs on the floor knowing that one just broke a few months prior costing us $50. 3,at first yes I fussed that my wife for putting the blanket on my kids because I was in disbelief that my mother-in-law would do such a thing. I did not fuss though my wife intentionally however why did my mobile ball put blankets on the summertime? And why did she put balloons on top of the China when she was at out with us at dinner a few months back and balloons triggered our house alarm? Think of this scenario, at dinner alarm company calls, have to leave restaurant, go home fined by village for false alarm, and find balloons triggered. So yes, when this happened, I was not a happy camper a second time around to find out balloons were purposely put on the china cabinet. Again, something that could of been avoided if people just sit back for a moment and thing versus just doing.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What was the problem with the ice being contaminated? How old are your boys? If balloons are a problem, why have them in the house? Again, who is leaving dvds or cds on the floor?


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Unicus said:


> Ok, I'll assume "Fussed" is Red State dialect for getting annoyed? Just to clarify: "Annoyed" is not quite angry, and surely not enraged, more like "Ticked off". This is important, b/c if you lost your temper, we'd have a different chat.
> 
> If I got all that right, then I think the issue is your MIL's intrusion and sense of entitlement to comment on your behavior about things that do not involve her. And note, her presence there isn't the same thing. I'm not sure the issue is your wiping the beer bottles before putting them in the cooler..which sounds a little extreme to me, btw..but perfectly harmless....but rather her feeling she has the right, duty, and obligation to comment on them and demand something from you.
> 
> ...



*Sigh* You missed by response...and I thought it was pretty good, if I do say so myself....

You're justifying to us the same way you justify to your MIL. The issue here isn't your behaviors.....it's her response. Unless you did something to her, she really shouldn't need to comment, and surely not with the clear intent of getting you to change. She's clearly on the wrong train here.

I'd tell her that you do not appreciate her taking the time to tell you what to do about things that aren't directed specifically at her. And quit justifying things to her, she's not entitled to it, and it only encourages her further intrusion.

You are accountable to Michelle and the kids. And you are accountable to those who are directly affected by your actions....and being merely present doesn't count.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

If MIL lives with you, then y'all need to sit down and have a chat. Tell her the things you've told us. It sounds like you were annoyed by stupid things happening, and she was annoyed by you fussing at your wife. 

If MIL just comes for a visit a few times a year, then let it go and just know that you are going to be annoyed whenever she comes. 

It sounds like you were annoyed at your wife, and "fussed" enough to make an issue in front of MIL. Bad form on your part. You are nit picking your wife...and even so, it should be done in private. You might owe your wife an apology for fussing at her in front of other people. If she KNOWS you and loves you, she will understand your reasons.

*My H is a bit OCD...company frustrates him. "Doesn't ANYBODY wipe their feet??" "Whose glass is this? Why is it here?" My job, as the wife of the OCD guy is to smooth things over, and figure out what he needs to not be frustrated. Sometimes it's getting him outside on the deck with a nice cool drink, so he can relax and visit without micro-managing all the mechanics of entertaining. I give him jobs like clean off the deck, create a music list, bbq....solo things that don't require him to depend on someone else. Also, I let him fuss (about dusty beer bottles or whatever) without taking it personally. Which is why I said your wife will understand. My H often apologizes later just in case he was an ass.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I would ignore MIL's letter and speak with Michelle about the issues that you "fussed" with her about. Tell MIL to butt out if she insists.

However, not trying to accuse, but trying to get the whole picture: Are you abusive or overly controlling with Michelle, and that is why her mother is stepping in to protect her daughter Of course you will say "No," but what is Michelle's opinion to my question?

If the answer is "Yes" to being abusive and controlling, get help and thank MIL

If the answer is "No," ignore MIL and if she butts in again, tell her to mind her own business or she won't be welcome at your home anymore.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think we need more info. Let’s look at one of the incidents at a time. 

Some of your writing is not clear at all so some clarification would help a lot.

Why was there drywall dust on the bottles? Are you remodeling or building the house you live in?

How much dry wall dust was there on the bottles? Was it a light, hardly noticeable dusting, or was it a very heavy dust?

How cloudy was the water in the cooler as the ice melted?

Drywall it not toxic. But I would not want to serve people beer bottles that were soaking in cloudy-white ice water. They drink out of those bottles and could end up consuming some dry wall dust and getting it on their hands and clothing. So how heavy was the drywall dust?

Your MIL says that you made a fuss. It's not clear what a fuss means. It could mean that you just got a bit grouchy, or that you yelled at your wife, or that you yelled, threw things and really reacted in a very angry manner.



coupleheart said:


> One throwing bottles and coolers covered with drywall.


The above statement makes it sound like you made a fuss by throwing bottles and coolers. Is this what you did? If not, what did you do?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Honestly OP, while your MIL needs to mind her own business, you really don't sound like you're much fun to live with.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

coupleheart said:


> Yes Michelle is my wife and that is the reason why I titled the thread mother-in-law. My wife and I are two years apart and again I admit to getting sometimes over bent on scenarios. However many of the scenarios could've simply been avoided. Example, if my boys are outside playing baseball and just by pure accident one of them hit the ball and broke my window I would not get super mad only because I know it was simply an accident.but if you look at all of the incidents at hand that took place just before the Fourth of July weekend they could've been avoided. One throwing bottles and coolers covered with drywall. 2, leaving gain DVDs on the floor knowing that one just broke a few months prior costing us $50. 3,at first yes I fussed that my wife for putting the blanket on my kids because I was in disbelief that my mother-in-law would do such a thing. I did not fuss though my wife intentionally however why did my mobile ball put blankets on the summertime? And why did she put balloons on top of the China when she was at out with us at dinner a few months back and balloons triggered our house alarm? Think of this scenario, at dinner alarm company calls, have to leave restaurant, go home fined by village for false alarm, and find balloons triggered. So yes, when this happened, I was not a happy camper a second time around to find out balloons were purposely put on the china cabinet. Again, something that could of been avoided if people just sit back for a moment and thing versus just doing.


So, the real question is, what is meant by "fuss". I know what a fuss is in my circle, but I don't know what it was in this one. 

I agree with @EleGirl we should address these one at a time. Starting with #1, I'd simply ask: How did you handle this, when you caught your Wife putting dusty bottles in the cooler? What did you say to her? 

Drywall isn't going to make anyone sick, and I guess I'm a country bumpkin because if I were working in an environment that would get drywall on my beer, I don't think I'd worry too much about the dust on the cap--it's coming off before I drink it anyways.


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## coupleheart (Jul 7, 2016)

Blondilocks... I really can't believe your answers. First of all, what is the problem with ice being contaminate? Simple, look up the dangers of drywall and sheet rock. If it's on the ice, that means it's in the water which sticks to the bottles. Since it's bottles of beer people are not clean each bottle before they consume it because the beer will get them buzzed. So people will drink from bottles consume the sheet rock particles and possibly have health issues. Do I really want that on my conscience?

Secondly it blooms her problem I have the house?… I've been in the house for 15 years and balloons are not a problem in the house however if they trigger the motion detector when left downstairs then it's very simple. Don't ban balloons from house just don't leave them on the bottom floor with the house alarm system armed.

my kids left the game DVDs on the floor. My problem was this, as I assumed because my wife was in the same room as the DVDs why didn't she tell the kids to pick them up off the floor. Again very simple solution versus leave them on the floor and a break and it cost $50.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

.


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## coupleheart (Jul 7, 2016)

To answer your questions no not abusive however when they say fuss I do get pissed off at times. I don't think this is out of the norm since I am 40 years old and have observed many people around me professionally and personally that get pissed off at their spouses as well. So yes definitely I am not a saint and don't try to paint myself as one. I know like other people I can definitely be out of line and occasionally get loud. Is my MIL sticking up for her daughter yes, without question. Of course she's going be be biased, it's her daughter. BUT, I'm a very logical person, keep things simple. Again, not perfect when I do act up I apologize to my wife and I feel guilty. I know I can be a better person in that respect however if the same incident was a happen again tomorrow like DVDs being left on the floor and balloons being left on the bottom floor knowing what the consequences are I'm going to get ticked off again.

Think about this one,this is not a real scenario but an example. If you have a car and somebody scratches it with keys and you get it fixed. You're going to be mad first time around. And if it happens again and again get mad second time around. If you don't then you are better person than me.

EleGirl, him and it really doesn't make a difference if my house is being remodeled or not or how much sheetrock/drywall was on the bottles are how cloudy the cooler was. The point is there is sheetrock particles on the bottles that were later put into the cooler. If I were going to my friends house it wouldn't make a difference to me what the situation was with him remodeling or not, at the end of the day the only thing that matters is me possibly can sick because my friend was too lazy to clean the bottles.


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## coupleheart (Jul 7, 2016)

At spinsterdurga. no I don't find them seem exact DVD again however I do buy them games in the future because of maybe their birthday.so when you say you need to teach them to me that is like yes that's what I do. Therefore it frustrates me if I teach in and then I find the DVDs on floor again. This is purely logical and common sense.

Controlling perhaps at times but not all the time. Abusive no. I'm definitely not a person that stands idly back and just let things happen willy-nilly if I can prevent and control the scenario. Depends how you define controlling. I went to school, and work every single day. So in that regard yes I'm controlling because I want what's good for my family and me. I would hope to hear most men provide that same answer except for some men that don't give to arms about the family or the kids and only care about themselves. There are many men out there don't even marry they simply knocked up women and MoveOn.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

coupleheart said:


> To answer your questions no not abusive however when they say fuss I do get pissed off at times. I don't think this is out of the norm since I am 40 years old and have observed many people around me professionally and personally that get pissed off at their spouses as well. So yes definitely I am not a saint and don't try to paint myself as one. I know like other people I can definitely be out of line and occasionally get loud. Is my MIL sticking up for her daughter yes, without question. Of course she's going be be biased, it's her daughter. BUT, I'm a very logical person, keep things simple.


You have not yet answered what your behavior was like when the bottle/dust/ice incident occurred. Instead you go on a rant about how it’s normal to get irritated/angry with your wife. Well yea it’s normal if it happens rarely and if your response is very mild.

What did you say to your wife?

Did you yell? Throw, or slam anything? Or did you do anything else that was a demonstration of your anger? 


coupleheart said:


> EleGirl, him and it really doesn't


Why is the language so odd in your posts… for example the work “him” makes no sense here. There is a lot of this sort of thing in most of your posts.


coupleheart said:


> EleGirl, him and it really doesn't make a difference if my house is being remodeled or not or how much sheetrock/drywall was on the bottles are how cloudy the cooler was. The point is there is sheetrock particles on the bottles that were later put into the cooler. If I were going to my friends house it wouldn't make a difference to me what the situation was with him remodeling or not, at the end of the day the only thing that matters is me possibly can sick because my friend was too lazy to clean the bottles.


Actually, yes it does matter much sheet rock dust was on the bottles.

Sheet rock is gypsum plaster pressed between two thick sheets of paper. It is not toxic. There is a disorder called 'Pica' that causes people to eat dirt and rocks. One of the things they often eat is sheet rock. The only real health hazard is if they consume a lot of sheet rock and get an intestinal blockage from it.

However, there is the cleanliness and aesthetic issues to consider. A lot of people would not drink anything that comes out of a cooler that has water that is contaminated with a lot of sheet rock dust. Most humans are trained from an early age not to eat and drink from dirty things. 

So the reason I asked about how much sheet rock dust was on the bottles, and thus potentially in the ice water is to get a clear picture of what the issue was.

If the dusting was very light, then the sheet rock dust should really not be an issue.

If the dusting was very heavy and turned the water in the cooler white, you had a good reason for cleaning the bottles before putting them on ice.

I asked about the remodeling because you brought up fixing damage to the walls having something to do with metal cars. It was not clear what you were talking about… except that I think you meant that you kids are damaging your walls, you need to fix the walls and you are getting rightly irritated by them damaging your walls. If this is going on, it would definitely contribute to your attitude about the dust on the bottles.

One thing I’m noticing in as you post here is that you seem to be in a generally irritated mood and are a bit snippy. You also seem to assume that you know best… demonstrated by you not answering my question about why there was dust and instead writing out a rant about why it does not matter. Well, I’m not a stupid person. I had a reason for asking the question. If this is how you approach things with your wife, I can see why your MIL is concerned.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

coupleheart said:


> At spinsterdurga. no I don't find them seem exact DVD again however I do buy them games in the future because of maybe their birthday.so when you say you need to teach them to me that is like yes that's what I do. Therefore it frustrates me if I teach in and then I find the DVDs on floor again. This is purely logical and common sense.


How many children do you have and how old are they?
Yes, it is completely logical and common sense to want your children to take care of things like the DVDs.

The issue here is what is the right way to act when you see them not take care of the DVDs? You are an adult. You noticed it. You do not want them to mishandle the DVDs. Thus YOU should have been the one to gently, but firmly, gone to your children and told them that what they were doing would damage the DVDs. And then YOU get them to pick up the DVDs and put them in the proper place. And you do this without anger, without irritation.

It is not only your wife’s responsibility to do these things.



coupleheart said:


> Controlling perhaps at times but not all the time. Abusive no. I'm definitely not a person that stands idly back and just let things happen willy-nilly if I can prevent and control the scenario. Depends how you define controlling. I went to school, and work every single day. So in that regard yes I'm controlling because I want what's good for my family and me. I would hope to hear most men provide that same answer except for some men that don't give to arms about the family or the kids and only care about themselves. There are many men out there don't even marry they simply knocked up women and MoveOn.


If you see your children doing something like not taking care of the DVDs, it is controlling (and a bit abusive) to get angry at your wife and fuss at her for this. You say it. You take care of it. Instead you are trying to control your wife's actions and even the way she does things.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

The ice thing...really. are you using the ice in your drink or to chill the drinks?

The balloons, fix the problem yourself if you don't like it, blankets on kids again fix the problem if you don't like it and stop picking on Michelle.

If you don't like something simply fix it yourself.

The CD thing. On your side for that one. Can't stand lack of respect for other people's things. It's a pet peeve of mine.

Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

coupleheart said:


> Blondilocks... I really can't believe your answers. First of all, what is the problem with ice being contaminate? Simple, look up the dangers of drywall and sheet rock. If it's on the ice, that means it's in the water which sticks to the bottles. Since it's bottles of beer people are not clean each bottle before they consume it because the beer will get them buzzed. So people will drink from bottles consume the sheet rock particles and possibly have health issues. Do I really want that on my conscience?
> 
> Secondly it blooms her problem I have the house?… I've been in the house for 15 years and balloons are not a problem in the house however if they trigger the motion detector when left downstairs then it's very simple. Don't ban balloons from house just don't leave them on the bottom floor with the house alarm system armed.
> 
> my kids left the game DVDs on the floor. My problem was this, as I assumed because my wife was in the same room as the DVDs why didn't she tell the kids to pick them up off the floor. Again very simple solution versus leave them on the floor and a break and it cost $50.


OK, what county are you from? What country do you live in now? Maybe that would give some cultural context. Your posts seem confusing due to some language issues. Is English your primary language?

FYI drywall is harmless unless it is inhaled deeply into the lungs in significant amounts over long periods of time.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

"You are fussing with my daughter "

Says the woman who thinks that it is entirely appropriate for her to send fussy and bossy emails to the husband of her daughter?

Would it be remiss of me to wonder if your wife somehow seems to act as if she needs constant guidance and checking on?

If so then I think your mother-in-law's controlling and meddling email might go some way to explaining why that might be?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> How many children do you have and how old are they?
> Yes, it is completely logical and common sense to want your children to take care of things like the DVDs.
> 
> The issue here is what is the right way to act when you see them not take care of the DVDs? You are an adult. You noticed it. You do not want them to mishandle the DVDs. Thus YOU should have been the one to gently, but firmly, gone to your children and told them that what they were doing would damage the DVDs. And then YOU get them to pick up the DVDs and put them in the proper place. And you do this without anger, without irritation.
> ...


I wonder if it is the case that he gets home and finds that the kids have been allowed to run riot whilst his wife, in effect, just let it all happen without doing anything concrete to stop them?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

I must be weird...or maybe it's because we bush camp and survival camp 30 clicks or more off the beaten path in the true wilderness every summer and multiple times a summer.

Drywall on a drink bottle doesn't bug me in the least. There are worse things than that or murky water.

While the mother in law was tactless in sending an email to gripe about the OP griping...and the CD/DVD thing I agree with. Honestly, if something like drywall dust and balloons are causing such highly charged fussy moments may it's time to evaluate which battles one wants to be a right fighter for and which ones can be conceded and compromised on.

Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk


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## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

I wasn't aware that people used ice from a cooler to chill their bottled drinks. I just assume the bottles are dirty from handling and don't have my mouth come in contact with the outsides of them or anything that touched them. That said...

I'm getting the impression that you were "correcting" Michelle in front of her mother, not that you yelled at Michelle, then she told her mother, then her mother emailed you. If you do things in front of people, you can expect them to comment on it, period. If you don't want them to, do it in private. You sound controlling, and it sounds like your mother-in-law is worried that you are or may become abusive, or that she just sees that her daughter is unhappy being demeaned in front of company, and is trying to let you know (privately, which is more consideration that you gave Michelle) that your behavior is causing harm or offense.

Over 4th of July my husband and I visited some of his friends. The husband was like you. I was shocked because he was doing it in front of us! He'd correct his wife over the smallest, most insignificant details. He treated her with contempt, like she was stupid just because he had a sharper memory than she does. I didn't think, "gee she's dumb for not remembering these tiny detail that don't change the content of the stories at all," I thought "how the hell can she stand being married to him? He treats her like she's mentally challenged servant." By the end of the night, I wanted to deck him, and not just on her behalf. My husband has said things to him about it before, so he's aware of it. We all have flaws, but you should work to correct this one, as it's very damaging, and is doing no favors to your family or to your reputation. My husband's mother even said "I don't understand why she takes it," about their relationship. Other people are talking like this behind your back, trust me. And they're not saying that your wife is inconsiderate or irresponsible.

I definitely agree that if your children break CDs they should pay for them out of their allowances. You can't watch children every second, but you can teach them that their actions have consequences. Stop being so controlling. Children can and will make mistakes and be careless. Yelling at their mom for not watching them, then buying them a replacement item is teaching them a terrible lesson. Stop it.

Additionally, are your children paraplegics or toddlers or somehow unable to remove a blanket from their body if they get too warm at night? If so, this detail is important to include. Are they checked on in the night, so that someone else may remove a blanket from their bodies if they are too warm? Then let it go. Michelle is capable of parenting correctly without your constant overseeing. I hope you apologized for blaming her for something her mother did.

You need to learn how to say these things (and variations on them):
-Thanks for your help! However, I prefer to.../ Next time, could you...?
eg, "Thanks for (putting the beer in the cooler / putting the kids to sleep). However, I like to (wipe the bottles off first in case people want to use the ice / make sure they won't get too warm since it's summer). Will you please (pick up some more ice / leave the blankets off during warm weather)? I'll (wipe the bottles down / take the blankets off) this time. Thanks (again)"
Or even just "Let's get the balloons off the floor. Remember last time? We might get fined $200, and nobody wants that!"

Fine, you're type A, but you don't have to be a jerk about it. Even if you're "right," your tone of voice and word choice can make you wrong.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The sniping in front of other people is just rude. Guests really don't want to hear that shyte - especially family members.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

rileyawes said:


> I wasn't aware that people used ice from a cooler to chill their bottled drinks. I just assume the bottles are dirty from handling and don't have my mouth come in contact with the outsides of them or anything that touched them. That said...
> .


My take on what the OP said is that the bottles were being put in the cooler and then ice would be put in the cooler, around the bottles to keep them cold. So the ice, and water as the ice melts, would have gypsum dust dissolved in it. So it would look murky.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It wouldn't have looked particularly appetizing but that's what paper towels are for.

Have you seen the Corona commercial where a can of beer makes its way through the city to wind up at the beach where a guy picks it up and puts it in the cooler? That would have a far more 'ewww' factor to it to me.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I had an awful mother-in-law like this to and I know how it feels to constantly get picked at during family events for the smallest of stupid things. When you try to defend yourself of those things you still are the bad guy, even if you did nothing wrong. I found that defending yourself and responding to bull**** like this never does any good. Your MIL will still have issues with you no matter what you do. There was always one constant in life, I was always Mr. ******* when she was around.


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