# What is enough?



## kirby81 (Jun 29, 2011)

My husband and I have been together for 7 years. Together we have a three year old son. To the outside world we seem like a perfectly happy couple. I do love him, and he loves me. Yet, I believe my husband and I are headed for separation or divorce soon. There are a couple major issues in our marriage that we just can not seem to get past. The first would be physical attractiveness and sex. My husband and I met online. After a year of talking daily and a few meetings, he moved from TN to TX to be with me. While my husband does think that I am pretty ... he is not sexually attracted to me. This is because I am obese. I had a gastric bypass (mainly for him) last year. My start weight was 330 lbs, and as of today, I have lost about 100. At 5'7" tall and 235 pounds .. I am nowhere near the skinny trophy wife. I have never been that. As a matter of fact, my current weight is actually the smallest he has ever seen me considering I was a good 30 pounds heavier when we first met. My weight has always been a problem for my husband, but I think he always thought it would be fixed at some point. If not just through diet and exercise, then most certainly through surgery. That has not been the case. I know how he feels about my body even though he would never outright say anything unless asked. Yet, the fact that I know I am undesirable to him has made me increasingly uncomfortable with him seeing me naked through the years to the point where I just avoid it if at all possible. His not finding me sexually desirable has become a big mental/emotional roadblock for me. He is emotionally damaging me without trying. As you can imagine, this all makes sex an issue as well. We don't have sex on a regular basis, and when we do, I am uncomfortable and will not do certain things that he would like (such as being on top). It isn't as if I am not trying to be attractive for him. I do take care of myself. I am clean and well dressed. I never leave the house without my makeup and hair done. Everyone always tells me how pretty I am. I have no problem finding other guys who find me sexually desirable, but my husband does not. I am still continuing to lose weight as well, but it is a very slow process now. I just don't know what should be the breaking point. How many years do I deal with him not liking me for the person that I am physically and it taking its emotional toll on me before I say enough is enough? If he really loved me would this be an issue? He says 'everything about you is perfect except for this one thing' ... but that one thing is destroying us because of how it is affecting my mental and emotional well-being.

The second problem in our marriage is the fact that when my husband met me - he was a virgin. He was barely 19 and had no life experiences. No wild party days. No sowing of his wild oats so to speak. To this day he has never slept with anyone else besides me. He has no basis of comparison on what real women look like (unless you want to count porn). I honestly feel that he would personally greatly benefit from our separating so he could have some of those life experiences. Yet, that would not solve our initial problem, and I think it could actually potentially make it worse. My insecurities are screaming that if we were to separate for him to have those experiences (that he does want) that he might find another person he is sexually attracted to, and I would be always be found lacking.

I just don't know what to do. Are these issues enough to separate or divorce?


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

The issues with sex seem so much based on your feelings and not his. You said securities. I think you may be putting some thought to him he may not have. Congratulations on losing weight and keep it up. There isn't a quick fix no matter what you do.

The second problem is strange to me. Wanting your husband to have sex with another person. I really think your issues and not his are the main culprit here. Your last senate about you never being good enough is a tell tail sign.

I think ic may be a better solution than separation. It's not ok to feel terrible in a relationship, but your husband does love you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kirby81 (Jun 29, 2011)

Thank you for your reply Anx. You are absolutely right. The issues with sex are based on my feelings. I just don't know how to deal with them. In past relationships my weight was never an issue and therefore I had no reason to ever feel uncomfortable. My husband doesn't mean to make me feel this way, but he does. I just can't be myself sexually with him because of the way he views my body.

As far as the second thing goes. I know it sounds strange. It isn't so much that I WANT him to have sex with another woman. I just know that he wants to have that experience in life. He loves me and would never cheat on me, but he does regret the fact that he was never able to have those life/sexual experiences before he met me. Our separating would give him the option without feeling he was being disloyal to me. The sentence about my being found lacking is my insecurity about the weight popping up.

I appreciate your feedback!


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I think I also came off a little too harsh. If your husband is contributing to you feeling terrible, that part needs to change. 

He may not fully find you attractive until you lose more weight, but neither of you benefits from being miserable. I know how much it sucks to slowly wait for weight. 

I think you will both be happier with you another 100 lbs lighter, but in the mean time find something that works and makes you both happier.

If he did have sex with someone else it often makes more issues than it fixes. He knew he was signing up for monogamy when he got married.and regret or not he needs to deal with that without having sex with someone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kirby81 (Jun 29, 2011)

Do you think separating would maybe drill it in his head that he shouldn't expect perfection? Like I said before, his line is 'everything is perfect about you except for this one thing ...' Maybe if he got out there and realized that all women have their faults it would straighten him up while I worked on myself? =) Just a thought


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Nobody and nothing is perfect. "Everything is perfect about you except for this one thing." To which I would say, "Well, you know what? If everything else being perfect is not enough for you, maybe you should exhaust yourself out in the world looking for perfect. Good luck." Have you guys ever watched Shallow Hal? Good movie for this subject.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

These both sound like really bad reasons to separate. It must be very damaging emotionally to think that your husband isn't sexually attracted to you. I have a hard time believing that this would be that big an issue for him now, he married you- and you said you were heavier before. He would be a total idiot if he married you because he thought it was something "to be fixed". You say he loves you. Then he loves you. Love isn't like that. 
I would say just keep working at being comfortable with who you are.

As for the second reason; that's an odd way to look at the situation. I especially found *"He has no basis of comparison on what real women look like (unless you want to count porn)"* VERY odd. You ARE a real woman! 
That sentence is so dehumanizing I even took offense to it.


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## Sex (Jun 23, 2011)

Separation is a horrible joke on the face of marriage.

Marriage is hard work, what made you think marriage would be fun?

This isn't television, it's real life, making two people live together and raise a family is the hardest thing anyone will ever do.

The worst thing is when people try and use separation as a leveraging tool to get what they want, to make the other "realize what they could lose".

Seriously? :bsflag:

Losing weight is a slow process, make your husband work out with you so he knows your progress. If he is just that unhappy with you sexually, then you will just have to work hard at it.

230 pounds, 330 pounds, what is making him not attracted to you, is YOU. You're whining, your insecurities.

You know, big women who are proud of who they are, get just as much sexual attention. Nothing more sexy than a curvy girl who doesn't get upset about how she looks.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

what exactly does your husband do to make you feel like he doesn't find you attractive?


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