# Payback would be a mother******



## Oriana (Jun 22, 2012)

I am in desperate need of help. I have been married for 18 years to a wonderful man...so I thought. We have 2 children (girls) (17 and 10). I have had some feelings about my husband cheating on me. I asked him a couple of times (he said no of course). After trying to make sense of it all, I prayed to GOD to reveal everything. 

That prayer was on February 27th and on March 1st, he did admit that he cheated on me. It's weird how I found out. I had called him and ask that he stop by the ATM to bring our daughter some lunch money home. When the phone rang, someone picked up and thenI started to hear all of the yelling in the background. A female voice. She was very angry and I could hear as if they both were struggling to get the phone. Well, he TOUGHT he hung the phone up. But like I always say....DUMB PEOPLE SHOULD NOT HAVE SMARTPHONES!!!!! 

He thought he hung the phone up but instead the volume increased on the phone. I could hear everything said between the them. I waited until his cell phone became clear and called him back to let him know that I hear the ENTIRE conversation. He did not answer the phone but I left him a very ugly message. Of course when he came home he tried to pick a fight with me. I told him, that will not work, I know the truth and no matter what lie you try to come up with, it will not work anymoe. I KNOW THE TRUTH!!!

That's when he told me that he cheated on me. BUT GET THIS....He said he cheated on me 4 years ago....WOW!!!! I said if you cheated on me 4 years ago, who was that heffer on the line? OH, I was picking up the pictures at a store and you heard me talking to the cashier!!!! Seriously...talking to the cashier.... ok. So, I asked him, do you think I am that stupid? You were talking to your girlfriend, and ladies, we all know that if another female calls your husbands cell phone and you do not recognize the name and number...OH we are going to get Sherlock Holmes on your [email protected]@ real quick!!!!

Anyway, he proceeded to tell me about the encounter that happened 4 years ago. Truthfully, I did not believe it. He has already proven that he is a liar. I asked him, do you love her, did you talk about us? He said no. I don't believe that either!!! Anyway, this is where it gets real UGLY. I asked him to describe how she looked. He did. He told me that he has felt guilty ever since and wanted to come clean but was scared that I would take the kids and leave him at the time. 

Needless to say I was angry. He asked me if I was going to leave, I said no. I am not going to up root my life and the kids. BUT stay away from me. I told him that he was a liar and the sight of him made me want to vomit.

Fast forward to about 2 weeks ago. My husband and I had an argument about whether or not to try to save our marriage. He said very loud...I can't believe that you are still bringing that up. I told you I was sorry, it happended 4 years ago, let it go!!! Really...Let it go? I said you want to have sex with me but you are not seeing it from my end. You gave another woman something that I tought was special between us. I have to get pass the mental picture of the both of you having sex. If the shoe was on the other foot, we would not be even having this conversation, as you would already left me and the kids!!!!! At that point he left me alone.

A little while later my oldest daughter came downstairs and said Mom, I have something to tell you. I said what is it. She said dad is lying to you. I said lying about what. She said i was listening to your whole conversation and I need to let you know something. I said ok. She said when I was about 7 or 8, I asked dad to use his cell phone and he let me. I was taking picutes of myself and I ran across some videos on his phone. I opened them up and it was a video of dad having sex with another woman. I said WHAT?!?!?! She said, yes. I held this for so long, but now you need to know. I did not want to tell you then because I was confused. I said do you remember what she looked like? She described the same woman that my husband had that night when we talked.

Now, I have NEVER told my oldest daughter about what was going on. So, he must have been seeing this woman for a long time during our marriage. I am very hurt and really devestated for my daughter. Now I know why she always leave the room WHENEVER he came home. My daughter is now in counseling and so am I.

I told my husband about what my oldest daughter told me (she told me to tell him because she was tired of his lies) and he called her a liar. I asked what does she have to gain with telling me that story, why would she make something up like that? He still said that she was lying.

I am totally hurt by all of this. I can no longer look at my husband the same. I do not trust him and I am borderline starting to hate him. I have already looked at and obtained approval for another place. My husband has been trying non-stop to save our marriage. 
Once a cheat always a cheat, correct? How do I get over this? I am afraid that if I try to save our marriage, I will be right back on the forum again.

OH, I also wanted to mention that my husband no longer has that cell phone. He now has a company issued cell phone that bills directly to the company. He ALWAYS keep that cell phone on him and keep it password protected. I joked to him once that, you must keep that cell phone taped to your thigh!!!! 

I told him that if he wanted me to start trusting him again, that I would like to see his cell phone when I ask, just to see what he would say. He said NO! That's juvenile. I told him that if he wanted to save our marriage, he would not have a problem with any requests. I told him that people with nothing to hide...hide nothing. I am not sure what to believe anymore.

To make matters worse, his fine [email protected]@ brother has been coming onto me for years!!!! I have not told my husband, but I wonder if I should act on it? I have NEVER cheated on my husband, but, Payback would be a mother******

Sorry my email is so long, but I needed to vet!!! Have to leave to clear my head for a while. I will check back later. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Well, it's been about 6 months since discovery. The place that I thought I had fell though. I have been with living with my husband. I thought that maybe GOD was trying to give me a sign. After praying almost everyday, nothing has changed.

My husband refuses to discuss what happened. He said that an apology is enough. He feels that he should not suffer for his actions. I asked him to go to counseling with me, he flat out refuses. My daughter has been a couple of times and she told me that she does feel alot better. I have been too. It does help alot to talk. I feel that the person that I really should be talking to should go. 

I told him that since the place fell through and he wanted to work on our marriage, we should use the time to try to work on our marriage. He agreed. Nothing has changed. We now sleep in separate rooms (me in the bedroom - him in the basement). I even asked him that even though I let him know that my feelings have changed for him and that I am not happy, would he stay married to me? He said YES!!! WTF?!?! At that point, I knew that he only cared for himself and what I can do for him. 

He does not care how much he has hurt me because he was not on the other side of the bull. I have asked a couple of folks (family friends) that I know, who have been through this, what should I do. They said to try to work it out. Why??? For the kids sake. OK, let's talk about the kids. My oldest daughter still has her bag packed from the last time. She told me that she did not want to unpack because it would take to long for her to gather up her things. She has been ready to go. My youngest daughter just only knows that her parents are not getting along.

I even...dare i say it...tried to have sex with him a couple of times. Worst mistake of my life!!!! Although it did help me finally realize that I now feel nothing for my husband. I am only there physically. I am hurt beyond words as i want to love my husband but he has killed all the love that I have for him.

Even though it has only been 6 months, my same friends are telling me to give it more time. My question is, am I being unrealistic about my husband and my marriage? Again, any advice would be appreciated.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

The fact that he is calling your daughter a liar - wow....and he won't give you his phone - wow. He is messed up. He needs to focus on your daughters well being more than anything rigt now and then worry about you and then worry about his marriage. Like all cheating spouses, he does not care about anyone but himself. I have been there just recently and can attest to that. However, don't revenge cheat - at this point he doesn't care so much and you already have enough drama to deal with without adding that in - think of how it would effect your daughter - I saw a video of my dad having sex with another woman, he is calling me a liar, now my mom who is the only solid and loving person I have in my life is cheating with my uncle - it will mess you up and it will severely damage your daughter.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

First and foremost, welcome, I'm sorry you are here, but things do get better. Take time to read through a few threads to get your feet wet, here are a few good ones:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/21172-never-say-never.html

Now, you keep saying that your DH is trying to save the marriage? Nothing in your story actually makes me think that. With cheaters and liars it is vital to watch their _*actions*_ and ignore their _*words*_. Your DH destroyed the sacred bond of marriage, and instead of being fully open, remorseful, and transparent, he just wants to rug sweep (move past it, forget it ever happened, so he can continue cheating and treat you like a dumb twit) and be more private and secretive with the work phone.

It may sound counter intuitive now, but if you really want a chance to salvage anything at all with him, go see a lawyer and find out what your rights and responsibilities would be in a divorce.

Filing for D may be a wake up call for him, at the very least, it will be the first step for you in gaining a new life, and making room in it for a man who will love you like you deserve. (full time, not part time)


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

look at the phone records. Get divorce papers drawn up. It is time to play dirty. NMMNG stop being nice, stop hanging on his words and just let him be alone, I am sure someone else on here can describe the 180 better than i can. I would not play around with this long term liar anymore. I am sure by the time you see his phone it will be clean.


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## 50shades (Jun 12, 2012)

I went through something similiar. My husband does allow me access to his phone..but sometimes he does get upset by it too. Too bad..he shouldnt have cheated. The one thing that I hold dear is that if we are unable to fix this..I will be able to walk away knowing that I DID NOTHING WRONG. Dont go for paybacks...if things dont work out, the guilt will be payback far worse for him if you remain faithful.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Yes and 10 minutes of mindless passion is going to leave a lifetime of regrets. Don't think we've all not entertained thoughts of revenge and it might give you self satisfaction but its your daughters who're ultimately going to be cheated and left with a broken family


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Do not cheat to try and get back at him. That is going to cause you more hurt. If you have been reading these boards you already no what to do

1 get a VAR for his car
2 keylogger for the computer

File for divorce. Do you know who the other woman is? If so expose her


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Not that your WH wouldn't be deserving of it BUT if you want to have a RA (revenge affair) with his brother then you better make damn sure to have the divorce papers ready to be filed after you do the deed for if you believe that your marriage can still be salvaged after that, then I've got some Montana beach front property that I'd like to sell to you . 

With his lack of remorse and calling you're daughter a liar, you're better off divorcing his cheating a$$ and moving on with your life and with your head held up high.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

So sorry you are here. I know what you are going through. My 15 yr old discovered my STBXH A and revealed it to me. Although my WH didn't say she's a liar, he merely said "she's wrong" They don't communicate now. My STBX denied he was doing anything wrong, but made no effort to stay or save the marriage. I guess in his mind there was nothing wrong, which shows you how sick and self-centered he is. Sounds like your H is still in the midst of the A, which puts the ball in your court.
What do you want? save the marriage and R, divorce? The good news is that now you have all the power and it has to be on your timeline. He has to come completely clean. There is no possible way you could forgive and trust if he is still hiding things from you.
Are you in MC? Do you want to go.
And you know that 2 wrongs don't make a right. Forget the revenge A, you would feel horrible afterwards.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

double post.


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

You have a lively writing style. I bet you're a fun person from that.

I suppose you have to check your husband out to see what's going on now.


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## OneLoveXo (Jun 5, 2012)

First of all, so sorry sweetheart *BIG HUGS*.
Your husband is not showing any remorse not any sign that he wants to makes his marriage work. First he call you a liar, than your daighter, and he won't let you check his phone, RED FLAGS!

I would leave him if I were you, he literally does not get the effect it has on you, he has no boundaries, a person like this will most likey than not cheat on you again and again.

I would do VAR and keylogger for sure so you can gather as much evidence as you can. I am sure his affair started 4 years ago but it never ended, or he found someone else.

Don't believe a word that he says, you can not trust him. Right now focus on getting your financials/bills/etc figured out. Don't let him see it or know about it, fake it till you make it. Get a lawyer, have your own bank account and just start the divorce process without him knowing until he gets served.

You deserve better than this lying cheating bastard, he is still continuing to lie to you, he has no real remorse, he just wants his cake and eat it too. Right now focus on you and your daughter and do everything possible to protect yourself. I would have your daughter write her recollection as detailed as possible to give to lawyer. Just gather as much evidence as you can.

Also if you get keylogger, often facebook password will show up as well, most people use same password, so try it on all his emails, etc.

Leave him, he is not worth your time. You are still young and could find yourself a man who will love you and treasure you like no one else...again I am really sorry for what you are going through, you really do deserve better *HUGS*


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## Beelzebub (Jun 26, 2012)

everything you do will be an example to your kids.


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## Oriana (Jun 22, 2012)

Thank you all for your responses. I have been to see a lawyer today. Very interesting and I did get alot of information. I have a move in date of July 13th. I told my husband and he still wants to work it out....yeah right...

I have also decided not to have a revenge affair with his brother. What would my children think of me. Not only would it destroy my children, but our extended family as well. I was just my anger.

Since he has his work phone, it there anyway that I could track it? I would love to get to those text messages and probably voice mails. He does not use the computer much. But, now that he has confessed, I'm pretty sure that they have went undergound. How can someone say I love you and then show the opposite? It's enough to make one have a nervous breakdown!

Tomorrow is another day and I will survive this. Thank you all for taking the time to respond. It has really been helpful. I will read the links also. I will post another update very soon...Pray for me and my family!!!!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> To make matters worse, his fine [email protected]@ brother has been coming onto me for years!!!! I have not told my husband, but I wonder if I should act on it? I have NEVER cheated on my husband, but, Payback would be a mother******


What an utterly useless family. Start the divorce proceeding. If he cannot even give you the phone, this is hopeless


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## Oriana (Jun 22, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> What an utterly useless family. Start the divorce proceeding. If he cannot even give you the phone, this is hopeless


While I understand what you are saying pls refrain from calling me and my children useless. Who are you to judge people.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Oriana (Jun 22, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> What an utterly useless family. Start the divorce proceeding. If he cannot even give you the phone, this is hopeless[/QUOTE.
> 
> While I do admit that I am having problems with my marriage do not call my children useless. You may say want you want about me but my children are innocent victims of this mess that was started through no fault of my own. I will take the high road and thank you for your response anyway.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Oriana said:


> While I understand what you are saying pls refrain from calling me and my children useless. Who are you to judge people.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Ha..I actually meant your husband and his brother..Sorry for the confusion. Your H is a lying unapologetic cheater and his brother is f*cked up enough to hit on his brother's wife. I judge sometimes..


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Oriana said:


> warlock07 said:
> 
> 
> > What an utterly useless family. Start the divorce proceeding. If he cannot even give you the phone, this is hopeless[/QUOTE.
> ...


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## Oriana (Jun 22, 2012)

Rogerr said:


> I can see you are struggling to hold things together and I want you to know that there is help out there. I have been through similar situations with my current girlfriend to the point where I thought there was no way around the problems we had. I was at the maximum level of desperation to save my relationship with her. I stumbled upon a source (that I will leave for you) that has opened up my mind to what I really needed to do to salvage my girlfriend back into my life and we have never been happier. I feel as if this source will do the same for you. I wish you and your partner best of luck in getting back on track.
> 
> Relationships Forum |


 Thank you for your encouraging words. I will look at the link you have provided. I hope your girlfriend realizes that she is blessed to have a man like u willing to work on your relationship with her. Good night Rogerr!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Oriana (Jun 22, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Oriana said:
> 
> 
> > I am sorry. I did not mean you or your kids. Why would I say that?
> ...


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Oriana, life isn't rosy all the time you know, But I don't think you should put up with him because these twenty years were a lie at least in my eyes they were. I know that altering your life is not an easy thing to do but sometimes you need to do it


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## Oriana (Jun 22, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> Oriana, life isn't rosy all the time you know, But I don't think you should put up with him because these twenty years were a lie at least in my eyes they were. I know that altering your life is not an easy thing to do but sometimes you need to do it


I know. Even though my husband is a low life...I am going to try and forgive him for me. This will not b easy. In order for me to move on and to learn how to trust people again I think that I need to forgive and let go. Hey its a start. Thank you for your response.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Oriana (Jun 22, 2012)

Martin12 said:


> You have a lively writing style. I bet you're a fun person from that.
> 
> I suppose you have to check your husband out to see what's going on now.


 yeah I have been told that I can make people laugh and have fun. To bad I cant do that for myself right now. I have to look up to see down. Also what would b the point of checking out both of my husbands two faces? He is a fantastic liar.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

The only way for you to get anything from his work phone would be to have his password and uninterrupted access to the phone for ten minutes. You may want to consider placing a voice activated recorder in his car. Typically people use Velcro and place them under the drivers seat. Cheaters often feel safe in their vehicles, and will talk to their affair partners while commuting. Twenty years of history is a tough thing to let go of, no one here expects you to be able to just snap your fingers and walk away. However, would you be willing to put another twenty years into this relationship knowing that your DH has a secret life that you get no access to? There is room for privacy in a marriage, there is no room for secrets. Good on you for seeing a lawyer, its a big first step for many people. You deserve a loving, monogamous, partner in life, and it seems like your DH is never going to be that for you. Maybe once he sees the D papers his tune will change? You are doing the right thing and being a good and proper mother to your kids. You are showing them that it is improper for people to cheat and that putting up with cheaters is not something anyone should ever be forced to do.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Oriana said:


> I know. Even though my husband is a low life...*I am going to try and forgive him for me*. This will not b easy. In order for me to move on and to learn how to trust people again I think that I need to forgive and let go. Hey its a start. Thank you for your response.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

Forgiveness is for the benefit of the betrayed not the betrayer. Forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation. The two are two totally separate animals.


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