# Control issues in marriage



## lakeside_town (Mar 7, 2014)

Hello, I am a woman who feels trapped in her marriage.
I love my husband and we have 4 active but lovely kids. One of them can be quite difficult in terms of behaviour.
Before christmas I thought the marriage was over but I didn't want to leave him mainly through financial reasons and also our kids are all under 10 and I feel it they are too young to go through parents separating. But today after so much arguing I wonder if it is worth keeping it up from my side.
My husband is 20 years older than me. And to make a long story short, I feel he treats me like I'm one of his children. He scolds me over everything now. Today was I hadn't put the smaller two down for a nap while he was out swimming with his friend and I hadn't organised dinner on time before his relatives arrived. I was mainly on my own today with 4 kids on holiday breaks from school and their routine has not been re-established yet as we are also on our holiday away from home.
I don't think I would be like him if it was the other way around because I know it can be hard to do everything perfect depending on the children. Back home of course it is easier but I find it hard to appreciate his scolding when I'm 6 months pregnant and he has been away since 11am till 4pm doing his own stuff without kids while I'm at home with them. If something goes wrong it is always my fault even if it happened to be one of our children misbehaving, it is my fault because I'm an incompetent mother. and I genuinely feel because of his attitude towards me and he also intervenes when I discipline the children, our children also responds less when I discipline them. My 5 year old son says he likes being bold with me because Daddy is so grumpy.
I'm not suffering from any mental illness, and Im a medical professional. I've always been very independent but being married to my husband over the years has been quite tiring and I am so fed up with the constant criticism. I think he suffered from emotional abuse as a child from his mother who had depression most of her life. It isn't an excuse for his behaviour but it helps me cope with the situation.
I feel while my female friends complain about their husbands, I'm unique in my situation because my husband I would describe as being more aggressive and both verbally and emotionally abusive in our marriage. He does name call me when he is angry but this has reduced since I fought it back. We need marriage counselling but on account of recent house buying and managing 4 kids I've let it slide too many times. 
I'm just reaching out to any other person in a similar situation and would like to learn from them how they dealt with or coped with the situation.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I don't know how old you are but my husband is 19 years older than me so I understand the dynamic. I think this kind pairing is a terrible idea when the younger partner is in the 20's or younger.....I was 31 and he was 50 when we met. It's not so much the age difference as the baggage difference.....usually the older person has been married/divorce/has kids and the younger one has none of that when you're talking about a 20 something.

We'd both been married and divorced once, I have two kids and he has one. I don't think this kind of pairing can work unless the younger partner is a very strong personality.....the older person will be controlling. It will happen even if the older person isn't naturally controlling because they're much further along in life and their natural instinct will be to try to control everything. My husband tended to be like this early on and I broke him out of it.....whenever he'd say something condescending I'd look at him and say "ok dad, do you have anything else to say?". I am a very strong personality. Fortunately he was man enough to grow.

I'm also very successful professionally so that's a big help. I'd recommend you consider getting a job so you're not dependent, my husband knows I'm not at all dependent on him. And when he scolds you don't respond to him except to tell him that if he thinks he can do a better job he's free to have at it, and you will not be spoken to that way. Tell him you will not remain married to your father and he can either get some counseling with you or you can end the marriage and he can find someone his own age. You have to be the one to break this dynamic.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> I don't know how old you are but my husband is 19 years older than me so I understand the dynamic. I think this kind pairing is a terrible idea when the younger partner is in the 20's or younger.....I was 31 and he was 50 when we met. It's not so much the age difference as the baggage difference.....usually the older person has been married/divorce/has kids and the younger one has none of that when you're talking about a 20 something.
> 
> We'd both been married and divorced once, I have two kids and he has one. I don't think this kind of pairing can work unless the younger partner is a very strong personality.....the older person will be controlling. It will happen even if the older person isn't naturally controlling because they're much further along in life and their natural instinct will be to try to control everything. My husband tended to be like this early on and I broke him out of it.....whenever he'd say something condescending *I'd look at him and say "ok dad, do you have anything else to say?".* I am a very strong personality. Fortunately he was man enough to grow.
> 
> I'm also very successful professionally so that's a big help. I'd recommend you consider getting a job so you're not dependent, my husband knows I'm not at all dependent on him. And when he scolds you don't respond to him except to tell him that if he thinks he can do a better job he's free to have at it, and you will not be spoken to that way. Tell him you will not remain married to your father and he can either get some counseling with you or you can end the marriage and he can find someone his own age. You have to be the one to break this dynamic.


:lol: :rofl:


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> :lol: :rofl:



Shouldn't surprise you given some of the comments I've made on TAM 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Just leave. Then go on a national speaking tour urging women to NOT GET MARRIED!!!! We'll make it a double bill. I'll do my bit on how your wife WILL FALL OUT OF LOVE WITH YOU. Guaranteed. You'll go next with a speech that will basically say, and I'm paraphrasing..."He's right, you know".


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Lakeside, I am not sure if there is anything you can do about him. It has been too long, and you haven't established your boundaries. I have a husband prone to anger bursts/name calling, and this is very damaging to relationship. You can check out my thread in considering divorce section "Loss of affection, is this reversible?" There are many wise comments there from other posters. I am sure some of them wiht similar baggage will post here.
Have you read Love busters? The first three of them are basically about your husband and your marriage. It might be painful to read it. 
The most important thing you can do is to start working on yourself, how you respond to his anger, demands, snapping. Get strong and start being assertive. I've got really good advise on my thread, very helfpul. Good luck to you!


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

How did you let this happen is the big question.

Here are some random thoughts:
a) why in the world is your husband out and about having fun while you are busting your butt with the kids. His priority is KIDS/FAMILY....no fun until everything is taken care off. You either tell him NO, or tell him that if he leaves and doesn't help you, expect NO DINNER or ANYTHING FOR him (he doesn't get nothing to eat, don't do his laundry or clean after his crap etc).

b) count the exact amount of time he goes out/has fun. Tell him that you need to have that time off as well. Give him a little dose of his own shiiiit!!! If he doesn't agree, oh well, when he gets home....LEAVE.

c) Set fighting rules. Sit his butt down and tell him you will no longer tolerate any disrespect or verbal abuse he is putting you thru. Also, there is absolutely NO fighting/arguing in front of kids. When you guys argue/talk, there is not name calling, no disrespect and both of you hear each other out and talk like MATURE ADULTS.....not like children. 

Recognize that he has been treating you this way BECAUSE YOU ALLOWED IT. Your goal: Allow it NO MORE. 

Goal of all this is to get a healthy communication going where you and him can talk about ANYTHING and discuss solutions/actions you need to take to resolve this families problems.

You need to be strong and stand up for yourself. You also need to work hard and balance the relationship (right now it's not balanced). 

Your husband needs to make YOU and children his priority, LONG LONG LONG before <insert anything else>

Forget about his words, WATCH HIS ACTION. Give him time and keep recycling/repeating above. If it doesn't change in a month or 2. Sit him down and tell him that you are thinking about a divorce.

If that doesn't work, proceed to see a lawyer and give him divorce papers.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I am still trying to wrap my brain around WHY in the hell you're bringing yet ANOTHER child that he wont help with into this mess... :scratchhead:

YOU have allowed this dynamic. He seems to have ZERO interest in his family, which should have been evident after child #1, and treats you like his maid and nanny. I used to be married to a much older man as well, and know from experience that he is set in his ways, and there isnt going to be much you can do to change that. Maybe you need to hire help...that can be a boundary you set.. if he doesnt pull his weight, then you pay someone. Stop coming up with excuses to not do MC, and get the two of you in there.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> I am still trying to wrap my brain around WHY in the hell you're bringing yet ANOTHER child that he wont help with into this mess... :scratchhead:


I was wondering the same thing.


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I agree you need to be more assertive. 

He should not get any more time away from the kids to 'do his own thing' than you do. And if he believes every misdeed done by a child is the fault of the parents he has to remember he is 50% of his children's parents.

Sounds as though he's gotten a hall pass on family responsibilities while at the same time has no problem levelling criticism when he see's it not being done to his satisfaction. In my mind if he doesn't feel you're doing it right he's free to take it over.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Shouldn't surprise you given some of the comments I've made on TAM


LOL. Not at all.


----------

