# It can be tough



## tkdan (Dec 2, 2008)

Many aspects of separation can be difficult. An area I'm having a tough time with is sexual frustration. I do not want to let my selfish nature dictate how I handle this because the outcome would not be good. 
There is absolutly no chance of anything in the area of sex happening anytime soon between my wife and I. She has made that more than clear.
I have a hard time in distinguishing what are the natural needs for me as a man and what are my selfish motives in this.
I do not want to do anything that will jeopardize my marriage, but I can also see where my frustration is making me bitter inside which will jeopardize the marriage if it continues.
Needed to vent about it. Don't really have anyone I would feel comfortable talking about this with.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

When my husband and I were separated, this was a BIG issue for me as well. I have a high sex drive and needed to have sex. Rather than jeopardizing anything, I handled my issues myself. Took care of my own needs without violating my wedding vows. I know it sucks, but it was a huge stress reliever for me. When we ended up back together, the sex was amazing.


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## tkdan (Dec 2, 2008)

Yes while taking care of myself does relieve stress. It is during sex that I feel a special connection between us that I can not duplicate. It is not as much the act of sex as it is the intimacy I miss.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

tkdan said:


> Yes while taking care of myself does relieve stress. It is during sex that I feel a special connection between us that I can not duplicate. It is not as much the act of sex as it is the intimacy I miss.


I understand what you are saying. Is the wife talking to you at all? While she is not ready to be intimate, this is an excellent time to rebuild your bond and not have it based around sex. You can connect with her communication.


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## tkdan (Dec 2, 2008)

Yeah we're seeing a marriage counsulor and working on the marriage. I have been reluctant to have a serious talk to her about it. I have made some small talk about it but have not expressed my true feelings. She feels at this point it would cause more harm than good. We are doing daily communication exercises as homework for the marriage counsulor and that is going good. We take turns picking a topic and I guess I could pick that as a topic. We are supposed to pick touchy issues to discuss because that is where we have had a breakdown in communication. I'm afraid it might get heated and we are to avoid heated discussions during our communication practices.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

tkdan said:


> Yeah we're seeing a marriage counsulor and working on the marriage. I have been reluctant to have a serious talk to her about it. I have made some small talk about it but have not expressed my true feelings. She feels at this point it would cause more harm than good. We are doing daily communication exercises as homework for the marriage counsulor and that is going good. We take turns picking a topic and I guess I could pick that as a topic. We are supposed to pick touchy issues to discuss because that is where we have had a breakdown in communication. I'm afraid it might get heated and we are to avoid heated discussions during our communication practices.


When we were separated, my husband wanted to still have sex. Kinda of like getting the milk for free, but not paying for the cow. I did not want to have sex with him because he thought that everything was ok and did not see the problems. From my perspective, sex changes a relationship and we were progressing nicely and I did not want to see all the changes we had made be disregarded. I think this is why she is standing her ground. I would respect her decision because sex is emotional for many woman and you want her to have sex with you because she wants to.
I think you can definitely bring it up as a topic. If it is important to you, it needs to be addressed. Talk about it, but be open and really listen to what she is telling you!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

It is likely you fear talking about it because of a fear of rejection. Perfectly normal. Discuss the subject openly and if it is not the right time to resume sex move on. It is not a rejection of you, just the circumstances and timing. Be understanding and don’t let the conversation heat up.


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## tkdan (Dec 2, 2008)

I know I need to get it out of the table. I do not want to seem selfish either. I do not want her to think that I'm only thinking about myself. I do want our marriage to work and I do not guess sex at this point is a good reason to cause extra stress. Like my title says "it is tough".


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

tkdan said:


> I know I need to get it out of the table. I do not want to seem selfish either. I do not want her to think that I'm only thinking about myself. I do want our marriage to work and I do not guess sex at this point is a good reason to cause extra stress. Like my title says "it is tough".


It absolutely is tough, but stay the course. Keep working on things and keep communicating with your wife. It won't happen overnight, but things are on the right track now.


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## tkdan (Dec 2, 2008)

Yeah I need to look at the bigger picture at where we were and where we are at now. There have been some major changes for the better. I need to keep this freash on my mind so the negative thoughts do not get a foothold.


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