# Issues between future wife, son, and family



## confused245 (May 30, 2013)

OK so I'm 2 months away from wedding day and we are starting to develop serious issues with a lot of things. Probably the most important is my son! We live in different counties so my son, 14, and I will be moving in with her and her 16 yr old son. My son has ADD and struggles with school and hasn't had much structure in his life since I got divorced from his mother whom he has spent most of his time with until I convinced her to sign primary guardianship over to me. He is a little immature for his age and for some reason lies constantly, mostly for attention or to get out of homework. I work swing shift and a lot of overtime so when I get married, my soon to be wife will be the one taking care of him most of the time. She is a very structured person and sets high expectations for everyone. Her son makes honor role every year and school seems to come easy for him. She does suffer from depression from a very bad childhood and has issues with anxiety. I know that I will be asking a lot from her, but I know she is the best chance my son has at learning structure, and how to succeed in school and in life. The problem is that he does not like her and doesn't want to move, and she is worried that he will make her life miserable, due to the fact I will be at work more than I'm at home and she will be taking over the role of raising him on her own and working a full time day job. I know that she will be the best thing for him, but we both fear it will send her deeper into depression. The closer it gets to the wedding day, the worse her fears get and I feel like she is driving a wedge between my son and I. We use to be very close but now he would rather stay at his mothers, who lets him do whatever he wants, or stay home alone. I feel that I'm being forced to decide between whats going to be best for our marriage, or whats best for my son. She also seems to find reasons to dislike my family, which has always been very close. Every time we do something with my family, it turns into an argument before hand. We see a counselor, but doesn't seem to be helping. I'm really confused and could use some advice!!!


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

You need to sit down and set some boundaries and consequences before the wedding. If your son doesn't make the effort there has to be consequences. 

Or, you may have to choose between her and him. That's hard to hear but you can't make him her problem or her problem to fix. It doesn't work like that. You have to take the lead and make the tough call. There simply isn't an easy out on this one.

But here's a hint... your wife you have forever. Your son until he's 18. Even if the consequences are harsh, if you love your son and tell him so, in the end he'll be ok.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

This is really tough. My exh is going through this somewhat with our 23 year old son. My son lives with the ex and his g/f. My son and his dad have a difficult relationship, but my son wanted to live with him to spend more time with him. The g/f is very strict, comes from a different background. My ex is very leniant and does not enforce too many rules or boundaries. What will end up happening I think, is that my son will put a wedge in their relationship, and eventually she may get fed up and leave.

I don't think you should be putting that responsibility on your new wife, it's too much of a change for your son at 14, and if her expectations are high, there will be lots of fights. Also he's 14, this is not an easy stage for sure.

Maybe find a tutor for him, and have him in some after school activities.

Change counsellors if it's not working, find one that is experienced in ADD and has resources to offer you.

good luck


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I don't blame your fiance' for being concerned. This is going to be exceedingly challenging. Your boy has run amok since the divorce and he's used to having his own way because your ex couldn't or wouldn't control him. He's copping his little attitude about your fiance' because he doesn't like authority. I think you have two primary issues. One, if your ex is wishy washy and used to being manipulated by this kid, she's likely to cave and let him come back to her house or maybe even take you to court for custody...again. Secondly, if he comes to your house, he's going to try to drive a wedge between you and your new wife. You'll come home to hear from her all the crappy things he did and he'll pull you into the garage and tell you all the crappy things she did or said. You're in the middle. Because you divorced his mother and she's been primary caregiver, you feel some guilt and you'll be tempted to excuse this kid's behavior or coddle him. As you pointed out, he needs structure and discipline. You and your new wife and your ex need to all be on the same page so any way this kid turns, the rules remain the same. This isn't going to be easy or fun. It'd be very tempting to let the kid go back to mama just to restore peace. If you do at age 30 he'll either be in jail or handing out bags of fries through a little window or working some other menial job. At age 14, it's getting really late for a turn-around, but you and your new wife might be this poor kid's last hope. There will be drama and tears, maybe lots. You and your wife are going to have to get tough if you intend to do this. Turn this kid around now unless you want him sleeping on your couch when he comes home from McDonalds at 30.


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