# How much time is enough?



## roleonard (Mar 17, 2010)

I have been married to my wife for almost 20 years. We have two boys, ages 15 and 12. About a year after we got married, my wife told that she had been date raped and was very sorry for not telling me sooner. I comforted her and told her that I was sorry for what had happed to her and explained that I was ok but was concerned about her. After several days things seemed to go back to normal she was the loving wife I had grown to love. Our sex life resumed to what was normal for us and everything was good. Now let me fast forward about ten years.

Slowly from there on she became not as interested in sex. Part of this is due to some back problems she is having.The frequency changed from 3 to 4 times per weeks down to sometimes once every couple of weeks or longer. I was ok with that for about 5 years now. I felt bad for her and I didn’t like seeing her in pain so I didn’t push the issue.

Now here we are the year 2010. I find myself getting sexually frustrated, I try to talk to her about it and she starts crying talking about how she has never really got over the rape. When I tell her I don’t understand because things were good for over 10 years after that she gets upset. I try to talk to her about getting counseling and she refuses.

I guess my question is how much time is enough for her to get past this? I am really trying to be the good and understanding husband but it is getting really difficult. I don’t like the idea of giving up on a 20 year marriage but if she is not willing to at least try to get help I don’t think I can do this any longer..

Any help would be appreciated.


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## pokergirl007 (Mar 17, 2010)

Did something happen to trigger it again? Not that its something one would 100% recover from but it does sound like your wife had moved past it for a good deal of time.... It sounds to me that maybe something else is also at play here.... How are things in your marriage other than the sexual part? Are you two affectionate? Do you talk? Do you spend quality time together? Why does she refuse counselling if she admits she still hasnt gotten over it? As a woman this is a HUGE flag that something else is up.... we women LOVE to talk and we LOVE even more to feel truly heard... therapists are great for that so why the resistance? Did she seek therapy at all for the rape in the past?


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## roleonard (Mar 17, 2010)

After the birth of our last child she dealt with post pardum depression. It seems that she has never totally gotten over that. Her general practitioner put her on some anti depressants and left it at that. He never would refer her to psychiatry or counseling.

Other than this one issue we have a great marriage. I can honestly say that this is the only thing we have fought over in the past several years. Unfortunately this is a big one for me.

The only reason I can get from her for not getting help is she doesn't think there is a problem with her. I am the one needing it more often so the problem must be mine.

She is happy the way things are.


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## pokergirl007 (Mar 17, 2010)

Is she still on the anti-depressants? I had a girlfriend who took them for awhile and she found that it caused her to feel more depressed, that it killed her sex drive and caused her to just numb out in regards to everything.... she couldn't explain why she just wasnt into sex anymore and it created issues in her marriage as well until she finally switched doctors who then switched her anti-depressants.... perhaps your wife uses the rape to explain away the lack of sexual desire in order not to feel pressure or perhps to try and protect you from feeling rejected when she herself doesn't understand what is going on with her? I could be way off base here but I might not be.... I hope it works out for you guys.... Good Luck.


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## Hetfield (Feb 7, 2010)

roleonard said:


> About a year after we got married, my wife told that she had been date raped and was very sorry for not telling me sooner. I comforted her and told her that I was sorry for what had happed to her and explained that I was ok but was concerned about her. After several days things seemed to go back to normal she was the loving wife I had grown to love. Our sex life resumed to what was normal for us and everything was good. Now let me fast forward about ten years.
> 
> Slowly from there on she became not as interested in sex. Part of this is due to some back problems she is having.The frequency changed from 3 to 4 times per weeks down to sometimes once every couple of weeks or longer.


This sounds very familiar and I can totally relate where you are coming from. My wife was date raped while in high school (her first time, too, so that makes it doubly-worse). She's admitted to having a past she is not proud of but for the first 3 or 4 years of our marriage, we had sex probably 3 to 4 times a week as well. Then she injured her shoulder and it decreased down to maybe once a month, if that, for the next year while she healed up. I was OK with that because I knew it caused her a lot of discomfort.

Lately, though, she has not yet regained her sex drive. Her shoulder is fine (she goes to the gym 5 days a week and is in awesome shape again). It seems like she's pushed sex off to the side in order to accommodate her own life and "to hell" with me and my needs.

I know she never sought counselling after her date rape and her first marriage was an ugly one right from day one. Within weeks of getting married the first time, she was in counselling and on anti-depressants. We got together again (we dated in high school before she was date raped) about 3 years after her divorce was finalized. I found out about this date rape on a journal page that was left open inside her nightstand a few months ago...up til then, I had no idea. I have never asked her about it, either.

I'm trying to figure out how I should begin to talk to her about this because I think, deep down, because she has never dealt with it in a professional manner, her self-esteem has always been shaky and I think it haunts her to this very day.


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## Jdack (Dec 3, 2009)

Roleonard,

I feel your frustration and if she does not want to get help professionally for somehting she claims is causing this, then I would taking a stance on this.

Question: Have you been able to remain happy together and spend quality time together like you did in the past? Having kids can take a bite out of that as I found out. Our sex life diminished over a period of 5 years and since we had children starting about 5 years ago, constant I'm tired, maybe tomorrow, tomorrow came and went,she would fall asleep in fromto of the tv next night,etc,etc. One thing I was failing to do over the years was really take the time to re-connect with her since the kids were born, it just sort of happened, not on purpose. I made it a point to change this and for the past several months made sure I looked after a sitter for the kids and just made reservations of different things for us to do together and just made sure the date was ok a week ahead in case she had somethings going on I didn't know about yet. Since my commitment to spend time with her alone (no kids) and show her that she was important to me, her attitide changed as well. 

Now on the sex side, I also told her that I was committed to re-connecting ourselves by doing things things together outside the house, but also inside the bedroom and that I was going to take charge of this happening. I told her that I had to feel sexually connected with her too and that the once a week or so of sex and regular excuses were not going to fly anymore, and if she wanted things to be better that she had to make an effort too or I was leaving this marriage if it did not get better.
Well, things got alot better all around and including the bedroom after only a few months. Not only the 3-4 times a week we have sex now, but even her attitide has changed, and not just doing it with that look she used to have (ok lets do it and feel like she was just doing this for the sale of it).

I've just shared how it went with us and may or may not be your situation, but I do think that men over time tend to spend less effort trying to make our spouse feel special. not purposely, we just get comfortable and forget to treat them the way we did when we met. 

Good luck.


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## pokergirl007 (Mar 17, 2010)

Jdack..... From a wife's perspective, that is excellent advise.... I wish my H would have such a revelation.... all of it is left to me and Im exhausted.... we have totally disconnected and Im ready to leave. I told him so last night and he refuses to believe me, tells me Im being silly and then dismisses it.... Women need to feel considered and they need to feel like they are being heard and that they have more value as a woman rather than just value as a Mom, house cleaner/cook etc..... Take the time to try to reconnect with your wife on a mental level and she will take the time to reconnect with you on a sexual one..... good luck guys..... hopefully you wont stick your head in the sand like my husband has....


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

roleonard said:


> The only reason I can get from her for not getting help is she doesn't think there is a problem with her. I am the one needing it more often so the problem must be mine.
> 
> She is happy the way things are.


and of course she would be right. it is your problem because you are unsatisfied. My H also doesnt want sex often and i came to realize that it is my problem. why would someone who feels good be enticed to change? its kind of analogous to you having a headache all the time; of course you are much more persistent about change coming because you feel the pain constantly. your spouse doesnt feel the pain so the problem is easily forgotten. 

how do you get a person to change? well, you have to learn what gives them a headache. but then, its kind of a catch-22 at that point. after all, do you really want sex with someone you basically have to force to do it?? not me. 

the best advice i ever got on this site was to just stop trying so hard. my H doesnt want sex either and i dont pester him anymore. we very well may end up splitting up. but that's the way it goes. my only concern is doing what makes me happy and being a person i can feel good about. those are what i focus on. i dont feel good when i have to berate my spouse to sleep with me, nor do i feel good harboring resentment and anger. those two things alone have given me at least two years worth of self-improvement.


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## roleonard (Mar 17, 2010)

You are absolutely right. This is my problem but I am not asking her to change into something that she wasn't when we first got married. Marriage is all about compromise but there doesn't seem to be any with this matter.

This very much has the potential to become her problem if I decide to get these needs filled somewhere else.






Blanca said:


> and of course she would be right. it is your problem because you are unsatisfied. My H also doesnt want sex often and i came to realize that it is my problem. why would someone who feels good be enticed to change?


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## roleonard (Mar 17, 2010)

We do almost everything together and by choice. I don't think I could have a better marriage if wasn't for this. There were several times that I would arrange to go on a weekend trip without the kids (quality time just to get away). She would be fine with that when talking about it. Then it wouldn't take long that she would miss the kid's and she would be miserable the rest of the weekend.




Jdack said:


> Roleonard,
> 
> Question: Have you been able to remain happy together and spend quality time together like you did in the past?


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## Jdack (Dec 3, 2009)

Well Roleonard, sounds like you have been trying to spend quality time, I can understand "the leaving kids for the weekend" being a problem if I did that as well, she would really worry about the kids I think. If you are not already doing this, maybe shorter events with her alone (day trip or night on the town) so she does not worry as much/miss them.

Good luck.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

I just saw your post that this is your problem. NOT AT ALL. SHe is saying its your problem bc she is fine with the way things are and you arent... she is denying something that she has admitted to you and has admitted causes issue with this. She needs help to get over this and the fact that she doesnt want to go talk? Was there soemthing more to the rape like a pregnancy resulting from it that she aborted or adopted out? Maybe thats why she got postpartum depression, bc it reminded her of something. I am with the other poster who said something else is up as women love to talk and get their problems out. Or the antidepressants have depleted her sex drive and thats why she is "fine with it"... you arent fine with it and its something that was disclosed AFTER you got married and it is her responsibility to change or accept that you cant stay married under the circumstances.

I hope she gets help. Maybe you could see someone who can help you work through your raw reactions to this... and I dont blame you for them at all... completely understandable.


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