# What am I doing wrong???



## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

My wife of 7 years left me on November 10th over an email she mistook as me trying to have an affair. This was the furthest thing from my mind. I believe she knows this now, however we haven't communicated since Monday the 26th. She asked me for time and to give her space, which I've complied. I've sent her 2 emails since.

This one this morning / last night:

I miss us, I miss you. I miss the happiness, and intimacy we share when we are together. I feel like everything is slipping away and I don't know how to fix it without you. This isn't about me, it's about us and I regret loosing sight of that.

I know if we put just the smallest amount of effort back in to us and our marriage everything would be fine. I know we would be happy again and working towards our goals and realizing our dreams again. This might be difficult for you to realize, however I'm sincerely sorry for neglecting you. If I had only been cognizant at the time of how badly you were hurting I would have never allowed this to happen. I would have never allowed things to get so out of control.

I've given you space, as you asked, however every day this goes on it becomes worse and more of a struggle for me. I've made an appt. on Friday to see a therapist to help me sort myself out, however I need you and your love more than anything. I need you to believe in us.

The only thing I'm absolutely certain about is that I love you and I want this to stop. I want to put my arms around you and hold you tight. I don't want to waste anymore time. I want to give you the safety and comfort that you deserve and desire. I want us to be true to each other and open and honest again. We can be happy and working towards our future, there is no need to continue this any longer. I want us to solve this.

I don't know what is stopping you from seeing this, however whatever it is we can get past it and work through it together. I'm here for you and to make our marriage better and stronger.

And this one the day after the 26th:

I've thought long and hard about everything you said. I appreciate you willing to be courageous enough to tell me how you really feel, I know our conversation probably was just the tip of the iceberg, however it's a start in the right direction and I am thankful for that. 

It was really difficult and painful for me to hear you tell me how much i changed and lost my direction as well as how my behaviors had caused you so much pain. I needed to hear it though, and I'm appreciative that you were finally able to share your feelings with me again. I never wanted to hurt you and I hope you know that I'm sorry I didn't do it intentionally. You are the one person that I NEVER wanted to hurt or cause pain and suffering. I cherish and love you so deeply and I'm sorry I let you down. 

Your love and our marriage is priceless to me. Nothing can replace the safety, peace, comfort and contentment I derive from it. It's where I find my strength and happiness. 

There is nothing in the world or any other for that matter worth losing that over. I will do everything within my power to be the person you deserve. I will show you through my actions that I still and always will be the wonderful man you fell in love with and can always count on.

I can carry on and on however I won't since I'm feeling miserable from seeing the dentist tonight and I'm still not sure if you are even ready for me to share some of these things with you.

Please just know that I miss you incredibly and I've been extremely lonely without you. I haven't slept comfortably since you left. There is an emptiness in everything since you've been gone.

In return I've received only this:

Hello,

Hope you are well! 

FYI.....

The bill was due on nov 28...I made an arrangement to pay by Dec 20th. We should split it in half. I ll pay my share on the 15th and you could pay yours whenever.


Thanks 

Sent from my iPhone

What am I doing wrong? I have not been able to eat, sleep, focus, I wake up so riddled with anxiety that I am physically ill. 

There never has been infidelity on either of our parts. Her best friend and my Mother In Law talk to me on a regular basis. She is living with my Mother In Law. 

How do I repair / reconcile my marriage if she is not willing to communicate? We were extremely close and always did everything together. Everything wasn't perfect however divorce / seperation were the furthest from my mind and worries. I feel like a piece of me is dying and I can do nothing to save it.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Everyone is going to say start the 180 ASAP.

I just wish my husband could find the courage to express himself to me as you did in the letter. I think it helps to write out your feeling, I started a journal once my husband left.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Where do I find this 180? What is it?


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

well, it sounds like you have the heartbreak down. the rest... not so much. 

had you guys been having problems for a while? how long were you married? are either or both of you in therapy? were you in couples therapy? 

you're saying she mistook something and you let it go and didn't reach out to her for two weeks? in neither of your emails to her you don't mention the misunderstanding. something is odd here.

both she and you agree that you've got a lot to work on. what are those problems and what have you done to address that in the past month?


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

I'll start by saying I stopped early on. 

1. Be careful she wasn't unhappy before, and using this as an oppurtunity. 

2. I think that the deal is, you need to take this time to self reflect on you, and your marriage and her. Look at every angle to find things, clues to help you figure out what could've sprung a leak in the pool of love. 

3. NEVER rule out Infidelity unless you've double checked! EA or emotional affairs can be easily hidden. Games, Emails, Facebook, etc. 

I dont' know what else to tell you except get to studying on these forums! I had 3 phone calls since starting this reply so I'll just end it here. 

Good luck and get to reading! May wanna pick up a few books as well. 

Divorce Remedy is my fav. so far. Then The 5 love languages, then His needs Her needs.

Edited* Yeah these guys got it going for ya. I spent too much time on the phone haha. sorry.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Thank you lee. Orpheus about 4 years ago I was injured in an auto accident. The last 18 months or so I became addicted to the very pain medication that was supposed to be helping me. I was oblivious to it until about 4 months ago. Once I realized the destruction and havoc I was causing I quit immediately. She had a lot of anger and resentment built up over this. I neglected not only her but everything else as well during that time. My friends and spouse tried to tell me in the beginning however I was to deep in the forest to see the trees figuratively speaking. Needless to say after loosing three 6 figure jobs within a years period I realized what was happening and got help on my own. We have been married for 7 years. She refuses therapy. I've made an appointment to see someone this Friday. I reached out many times after she left, however it was not until the 26th of last month that we finally communicated about the subject in any depth. I really had know idea how much anger and resentment she had. She also claims she has lost respect for me and no longer trusts me since I was the sole breadwinner and she feels I destroyed our stability, lost our home and one car. We also had to borrow about 40K from relatives during this time to survive.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

B, our stories aren't dissimilar. for that matter, you fall into the greater norm here. it's not a competition so don't worry . what was your drug of choice?

i start by saying you need to go through the links in my sig. agree or don't but it's sort of required reading for the heartbroken. the 180 is helpful for you as you've already had your separation struggle and gotten your message across and likely put your foot in it a couple of times. 

it looks like you're getting on board with the idea that you were complicit in the destruction of your marriage. step one is to figure out who you used to be and how much of that you want back. get that going. when those gears are in the works, revisit all the crappy things she did that you're currently letting her off the hook about. as a few weeks go by, you'll get stronger. stronger and healthier = sexier. your best chance with your wife is getting your act together. 

(full disclosure: bike accident 2 years ago. xwife lost faith in me etc. recently filed bankruptcy. i told her i wanted a divorce while recovering from elective surgery and on a long binge of pain meds. so i get it.)


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Orpheus wrecked race car, fell through floor at bed and breakfast, and then finally four years ago rear ended by a Suburban going 70 while I was at a dead stop. I was on Fentanyl and Roxicodone. I abused the Roxicodone I would get 180 a month and I'd spend 3-4k a month buying more until I learned you could smoke the Fentanyl at one point I was on 200MCG every 48 hours, however I would smoke 30 patches in about 10 days, that's when I finally realized WTF I was doing. The whole time I thought not even she knew my dirty little secret. So pathetic what I did. It did not really affect anything until one day while high as a kite I told the CEO to go eff himself because he sent a subordinate to my office to write me up over coming in 15 minutes late to a meeting. That was April 29th, 2011 I believe. That was the beginning of the end.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

The last things I remember were being happy then everything kind of goes cloudy for me. She lived through the pain, neglect and the destruction yet now that I'm better all I remember was being happy. It's kind of like going to sleep and then waking up and seeing a hurricane destroyed everything outside while you were sound asleep; oblivious to what is going on. I was not mentally there when I did this. I did not do it intentionally, however she blames me as though I did.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> Everyone is going to say start the 180 ASAP.
> 
> I just wish my husband could find the courage to express himself to me as you did in the letter. I think it helps to write out your feeling, I started a journal once my husband left.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

sometimes they just tap out. and in her defense it sounds like you weren't really there for a good long time. sounds like she hung around a lot longer than most. probably doesn't make you feel any better. ahhhhhh, rock bottom. taste the sediment. if only we were all catfish. i could be king.

i was rocking 8x50/150 hydrocodone(vicodin) after having my tonsils yanked out for 10 days. my wife was in finals at law school and acting a bit like a sh!t when "in a haze" (sound familiar?) i told her i couldn't do this any more on her graduation day. i beat myself up about that for ... oh, maybe 90 days of hell? ...before i started to look around at her pulling out of the relationship 18 months prior. about the time of my bike accident.

i screwed up. wished i'd done things differently. apologized. six ways til sunday. she hit the ground running and that was it for me.

i can't tell you much to make you feel better but i can help you fix the hole your in. in the meantime, there are some pretty stunning catfish around here. have a gander.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

180 and " Let her go " !

Good luck and REMEMBER - NO CONTACT no matter what !

If you wanna say something to her , write it here NOT to her !



> I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.
> 
> Just Let Them Go
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So what was said in that email that she mistook for you trying to start an affair?


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> So what was said in that email that she mistook for you trying to start an affair?



I think that was her excuse ! Read down and you'll see about the pills etc, she was waiting for something "valuable " to happen .


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

EleGirl

The email went somethimg like Hey Sweetheart what's going on? I created the profile online, if you want to meet for a drink later let me know. I know you'll make it worth my while.

This email was directed to an account executive I've known for years. She wanted me to create an account profile with Wells Fargo so they could pay me overrides on there products sold through me. Drink meant Starbucks which was in the Subject line....After reading it later, I saw how that could have been misinterputed and taken out of context especially since I discovered after she left through the phone bill that she did this at 4:00am while I was sleeping.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Big Mac, you are absolutely right. This was the catalyst that set the wheels in motion, however I believe we would have been alright over time. She really needed for me to prove that I could get our lives back on track and this was her way to be angry and have an excuse to take the easy way out. I think even to this day she still is hoping I can repair things and prove that I'm still the same person, which I am and have been doing, however it took a long time for her to even listen to the reality of the situation. It's always easier to be angry. We were very close and very much in love, yes we were having some issues however infidelity is one thing both of us would consider unforgivable.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

In other words until her email discovery we were still happy, had an active sex life, and would pretty much do anything to make the other happy.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

You need a full 180 and total change !

Actions speak more then words !

BTW on what site was the profile ?


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Wells Fargo bank site
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I've made major changes before this debacle. That's what is so frustrating. I saw what I had done and didn't want to loose anymore. I'm generally a very loving giving husband. The damn email was taken completely out of context. It was strictly business, nothing more. I've NEVER had an affair or even wanted to have one. I was very happy in my marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

bryane said:


> I've made major changes before this debacle. That's what is so frustrating. I saw what I had done and didn't want to loose anymore. I'm generally a very loving giving husband. The damn email was taken completely out of context. It was strictly business, nothing more.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not only changes but you need to be consistent ! 

You can't change overnight you know that right ? 

She can't believe the changes by seeing you changed in a week ! She may think you're doing it to get her back ( manipulation ) !
3 months is different story , right ?

My advice - FORGET what ALCOHOL is , not to mention PILLS !


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

o catfish of de nile. marriages don't dissolve because of single incidents. that's what i loosely tried to block in with my tale of woe. they die a death of a thousand cuts. it's just the last one that you're looking at. like 'Mac says upstream, the flirt-mail was just the excuse.

in any event, when something is broke it's broke. doesn't matter much of a lick as to why it is... more a matter of what you're going to do going forward. she's jumped ship. your best bet moving forward at present is making yourself a more valuable asset.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Orpheus you are right there was a years worth of anger and resentment built up, however this incident happened several months after I quit taking all pain medications. It's been at least 3-4 months since I've had any. BTW, I don't drink and never was addicted to any substance prior to this incident. I'm more ashamed of myself than anything I've always been in control. After 13 surgeries and years of severe pain then some financial struggles went from 350k to 150k it snuck up on me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

i gotcha, b. let's get out of the past because that way lies madness. today and tomorrow are the goal. you get that under control and i swear we'll let you out of here on good behavior.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Perhaps, it is done however I still believe in my heart it's not. Everyone tells me that is close to us to give it time, an we will work it out, I just don't know how if there is no communication. I'm seeing a therapist on Friday and even after we spoke last she said for me to focus on putting our / my life back together as well and that's what I've been doing. The problem is we were best friends and since I always focused everything I did around us the lack of communication is killing me. It would be so much easier if she wasn't a good person and somebody that I respected and admired.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Lol @ Orpheus, thank you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I first want to start by thanking Orpheus & BigMac for taking the time to offer their advice and chat with me last night. It helped immensley.

So we texted, talked, and texted some more today. This was initated by her. It started out innocent enough and then I felt it necessary to say my peace....

I'm going to say my peace, and I won't bring it up again unless you want to.

I'm really frustrated with this situation.

When you left, I held to the expectation that once you had time to calm down, I had time to reflect and was able to be completely transparent with myself & you, and you had time to work through your anger and resentment that we would be able to forgive, communicate, and start to grow together again and be even stronger and better than before.

Now that I am seeking that from you and not getting anything back... Well, to say it feels terrible would be a gross understatement. I'm very hurt that you don't even respond or on the rare occasion when I do hear from you it is so impersonal and cold sometimes that it makes me feel like I'm a complete stranger your forced into dealing with.

What are you trying to show me? Is this how I made you feel when I neglected you and my responsibilities during those times? Is this just the way you need to be for now? Are you trying to establish your dominance? Are you punishing me? Has it come to the point that you have completely given up on us and decided this is how we are to be?

I didn't set out to intentionally hurt you or take your stability and dreams for us away. I didn't want to break your trust. It wasn't as if I woke
up one morning and decided to become addicted to pain medications. I didn't know how bad mentally and emotionally I was at the time; I was sick. All I knew was that physically I was in so much pain and then when I made the horrible decision to quit my job and we started suffering I tried to drown the emotional and mental pain out as well. I wish I had been stronger and been open to your insights at the time, I wasn't myself, I wasn't well.

You know me better than anyone; once I saw for myself and once I realized what was happening I changed, I took the right steps to better myself and our lives. I am a very strong person. I accomplish what I set my mind to.

You've had nearly a month to figure out where your heart is, and I know you know where I stand. I'm not willing to give up on us. I meant every word I've said. Failure isn't an option to me, however I can't do everything alone, It will take us both.

This has gone on far too long. Let's stop the pain and hurt. Life is so short and precious. I want to spend every free moment I have enjoying the people that I love. I want to spend it with you. It's time for us to realign ourselves together again and move forward so we can focus on our future.

Wow, I'm not sure if it was that a mistake or a blessing!!! I sure unleashed her fury. She said many truthful things, many just plain ugly things, and then some down right awful things. We ended up with this...

HER: R U going to mutually sign the divorce papers or do I have to Serve you?

ME: All I can do is what I am doing at the moment, if that is not good enough then I don't know what to say. I'll continue doing what I'm doing until you realize.

HER: So even if we get divorced you will still try?

ME: Yes

HER: Ok, So we'll get divorced 

HER: You are the most stubborn person ever lol

HER: 

ME: I love you

HER: I know

Then I apolagized and went on about what I did wrong...got busy then sent another text...

ME: So are we starting this Christmas Tree tradition this year? Where are we putting the tree? Are you going to help decorate it or do I have to do that on my own too.

HER: We are not doing anything

ME: You just told me how important that is to you. BTW someday, eventually, you are going to thank me for being so stubborn.

HER: Maybe

My question is do I continue the 180? I'm really happy I found this outlet and other people that are willing to help that are going through the same thing. Sorry for being long winded tonight....


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

bryane said:


> HER: R U going to mutually sign the divorce papers or do I have to Serve you?
> 
> HER: Ok, So we'll get divorced
> 
> ...


Your question is 'do you continue the 180?"

You never DID the 180.

She tells you she wants a divorce and will you agree or does she have to serve you and you answer with "I love you".

That's about as weak and pathetic as you can possibly be.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

you're welcome.

should you continue the 180? there's a bit of passive agressive browbeating in that back and forth. there's nothing in what she's saying that seems to have changed; only where you've sort of denied what the working assumption is.

it's a little like selling a lemming a bus ticket to the coast. you know he's not going to sit on the beach. 

Doing the 180 would have been to NOT do any of what you did above. the 180 is about making you better and get distance from the pain; not about gaming the other person. If you think you have a dialogue with your stb.. and that's working for you then you should continue.

I don't know what to make of the above text.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

bryane said:


> The email went somethimg like Hey Sweetheart what's going on? I created the profile online, if you want to meet for a drink later let me know. I know you'll make it worth my while.
> 
> This email was directed to an account executive I've known for years. She wanted me to create an account profile with Wells Fargo so they could pay me overrides on there products sold through me. Drink meant Starbucks which was in the Subject line...


What does this even mean?

Other than you were chatting up some girl online, wife found out so you made up some sort of lame excuse that you were being fraudulent in business and you and some coworker came up with a bunch of code works to try to cover your tracks since you were breaking the labor laws or something.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

You're right I feel even more pathetic now. at the time I felt that she was just trying to see how serious I was about reconciling in other words saying anything to push me away and see if I'd jump ship or back down.. Back to it again...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Worst thing you can even do !!!

Now she is playing you ad laughing in your face :



> ME: I love you
> 
> HER: I know


You know what does that means :



> YOU: I love you
> 
> SHE : Fvck you


Start 180 and NC no matter what ! Agree with her and give her the fvcking D .

Then go dark and stay on it !


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Sharkee, no lame excuses.. No broken laws... I've known this person for 8 years. She works as a rep at a company. My company sales her companies products. Her company spiffs me to sell her products through a credit card. The profile was with the credit card company so I could receive those spiffs through a prepaid credit card.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Ok, so you're not breaking any laws with that credit card sell off stuff but I don't get all the secret code words that sound like nothing less than a secret meeting to go have sex in a car or something. 

I understand why your wife doesn't believe you. It's rather odd the way it was worded especially given that it was nothing more than some sort of prepaid credit card bonus spinoff.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

BigMac It's hard Holidays and all, plus my mother in law comes by my place everyday to see me or the dog. Apparently, if there were sides to take, she took mine. BTW, my wife moved back home with my Mother in Law.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Sharkee, the subject line was something to the effect of let's meet at Starbucks, if that offers an clarity. As I already said after I read it, I see how that could have been misinterputed. That was just the catalyst though. Then anger and resentment had been brewing for a while over finances and me neglecting her and my responsibilities.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

bryane said:


> BigMac It's hard Holidays and all, plus my mother in law comes by my place everyday to see me or the dog. Apparently, if there were sides to take, she took mine. BTW, my wife moved back home with my Mother in Law.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bullcrap !!!

She'll always been on her own daughter's side , ALWAYS !

And she is coming every day to spy on you and repeat it to her daughter !

Choice your words carefully !


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Orpheus, idkwtf to do, it's not like these situations come with some sort of manual. It's very confusing to me. I just want it to end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Big Mac hard time believing that, especially since my wife and I share the same day for Birthdays and she (my mother in law) came over on our birthday to take me out to dinner as opposed to her own daughter??? Plus she wants to see us reconciled, she is very upset at her daughter for leaving me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

She also purposely planned two holiday dinners and told my wife thati I'm coming whether she liked it or not. Thanksgiving was very strange this year.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

b. you're flailing. if that communique between you and your wife is straight then you need to take about 10 steps back and do a TON of assessment. it looks like you're trying to bulldoze her into what you want. Not unlike the same c0ck-of-the-walk behavior that told your boss to go take a hike. That bravado sales behavior is cute when you're a kid but at some point you've got to man-up and not email 4uck your sales rep, whether you get caught or not. Your intentions might have been innocent. Might. But your language wasn't . You were flirting and testing the water.

Why? Maybe it's something you've always done. Maybe your marriage was heavily damaged before that and you were planning your getaway (whether or not you consciously knew).

I have no idea if/how you can salvage your relationship. I'm certainly not a best-case scenario. I can tell you that it sounds like you're digging a hole for yourself. I think you'd benefit from a men's group actually. A dude i was mentoring with for a while wrote a book called "Hold on to your N.U.T.S." which would be a good read for you. He also does online coaching with a pretty reasonable introductory session.

Lashing out at your stb.. isn't the same as working on yourself you know. Work on you for a while.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Orpheus, thank you... For some reason you seem to hit the nail on the head most of the time dead on. I did'nt fling any insults her way, just to be clear. I stayed calm, I felt she was lashing out in anger. She made issues about things that were never issues before. In return I simply stated if had you sat me down and communicated this with me and told me this was important to you then I would have known instead of making just a glib comment. I stood my ground and simply stated that I'd continue to try regardless of what insults she threw my way. I think she appreciated my sincerity and willingness to stick this out in the end. I feel she wants to see if I really mean what I say or if I'm trying to manipulate her. At this point I'm beyond trying to manipulate the situation. I do mean what I say, my marriage and my wife are very important to me. She had a hard time accepting that because of the neglect regardless of whether it was intentional or not.

The email was flirtatious, however I'd never go down that road, my wife knows me well enough; I beleive to finally see that. I feel like she was trying to test me with the threats and imsults to see if I'd simply give up...ie if I was really sincere or just bull****ting her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

bryane said:


> I stood my ground and simply stated that I'd continue to try regardless of what insults she threw my way.


You don't realize it now, but some day you probably will.

By saying you're going to sit there and take it and keep trying regardless of how bad she's beating you up is just more of you being weak and, (I hate to say it again) pathetic.

It's like the kid who keeps getting beat up by the school bully and just sits there taking the blows and holding up the lunch money, day after day.

Get up, dust yourself off and walk away from this woman.

There's even the slightest chance that you'll finally get away and you'll turn around and find she came looking for you.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

"simply" is a control thing. you're minimizing everything away without evaluating. reread your last statement. like you hadn't written it.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

It's sounds weak, I know. I felt in control, however I know what she is doing is wrong! I believe part of me feels like I deserved some of it since I did screw a lot of things up. She never lashed out at me in 7 years until now, she always was there for me when I needed her or not, in the past she was really a great person, we always had great dynamics together, she stuck through thick and thin and I feel like I am obligated to prove myself and that I didn't purposely go down the road that I did. She saves my voicemails still, she does not go out other than to the gym and work, I pay the cell phone bill so I can see who she talks / texts (only close friends & family) Keep in mind, she is very attractive... 6' tall blonde hair blue eyed ex model and sure she commands attention from many people. She told me she needs to see my sincerity. We in the past before my meltdown were always very open and honest with one another. I cut her off because of my shame and embarrassment over my problem. She knew deep down, however didn't push me because she also knew I was in a lot of physical pain from the injuries.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

bryane said:


> I pay the cell phone bill so I can see who she talks / texts (only close friends & family) Keep in mind, she is very attractive... 6' tall blonde hair blue eyed ex model and sure she commands attention from many people.


Nice!

Want me to keep an eye on her for you?

Just kidding.

Mostly


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

LoL, she claims, as well as her best friend that didn't take a side, just wants the best for us... She still communicates with me; believes she is not interested in anyone else and from what I observe I'd have to buy into it. However, eventually I realize people have needs and I know that infidelity is one thing I couldn't accept. This other bull****, I can deal with...for now
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

7 years, I haven't slept with anyone other than my wife. Today my Mother in Law asked me if I had her ex husband's email. She feels he is feeding bs to my wife apparently he never liked me although I only met him once. He lives in Europe. As I was searching through emails from my wife I came across naked photos of her she had sent me while I was away on business a few years ago. Until that point I really hadn't realized how sexually frustrated I was. We haven't had sex in nearly a month now. I misse her, I don't want to sleep with anyone else. It sounds pathetic however that's how I feel. I still love her very deeply and very attracted to her. We always had the greatest sex. We are both vey sexual people. I've heeded everyone's advice today. No contact at all, I decided to try and do things I enjoy even though everything reminds me of her and what we used to do together. I made some plans with a mutual friend for this weekend and I'm going to Art Basel this Friday. How does everyone else deal with these emotions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

you're going through trauma, b. it's the way of it. there aren't any shortcuts. it sucks. then it sucks harder. eventually it's not as bad. i have a theory that it doesn't get better but you eventually get stronger.

on the upside, if you're the baller that you say you are... it's pretty easy to get laid at ABMB. I had a booth there a few years ago and it was a less-scruffy mardi gras.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I feel that if I sleep with someone else that I'll close off any opportunity of reconciling in my mind. I'll move on, plain and simple and then later regret doing it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I don't think I'd have an issue getting a date or getting laid... I just don't want to for the aforementioned reasons.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Orpheus, are you going to be there this year? It's strange how we have so many experiences in common. I definitely appreciate your insight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Sadly no. But if you find yourself in nyc you're more than welcome to buy me a drink.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I want to send this....

The things you've said to me yesterday were completely out of line. They were mean, crude, disrespectful and downright ungrateful. It takes two people in a marriage, god knows I've made my mistakes, and I've asked and prayed for forgiveness, however to be treated so poorly by anyone is completely unacceptable. To complain about what you didn't have, when I gave everything of myself and everything I had good times and bad, I still gave. I don't know what you've become, but it is not the same genuine, loving, good hearted, caring, understanding person that had all the wonderful qualities, and could never do wrong or would intentionally hurt me, that I thought I known and loved. If you want a divorce you can have it. I'd rather remember that person than this.

I feel like I need to get my point across, I don't want to keep feeling miserable anymore. I ****ed up, however I'm starting to see that l, wasn't that bad of a person and always tried to put my wife's needs first, with the exception of when I became addicted to my pain medication for about a year, maybe the loss was just too much for her to handle. The one thing was after some deep reflection tonight, to not forgive, to close yourself off, and to become purposely vile is not excusable, regardless of what I had done, it was mot intentionall. Material things can and always will be replaced. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

> It takes two people in a marriage


Exactly !

But for now you're alone !

By sending it you'll look like a fool !

Do you wanna look like fool in her eyes ?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bryane said:


> EleGirl
> 
> The email went somethimg like Hey Sweetheart what's going on? I created the profile online, if you want to meet for a drink later let me know. I know you'll make it worth my while.
> 
> This email was directed to an account executive I've known for years. She wanted me to create an account profile with Wells Fargo so they could pay me overrides on there products sold through me. Drink meant Starbucks which was in the Subject line....After reading it later, I saw how that could have been misinterputed and taken out of context especially since I discovered after she left through the phone bill that she did this at 4:00am while I was sleeping.


Well, the email would probably get a lot of people upset if they found an emial like that written by their spouse. I'm not sure taht I would believe an explaination that it was really nothing.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

No, I don't want to be a fool anymore. I'm starting to feel angry and sad. More disappointed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

EleGirl, I understand this. However I don't know you nor anyone here. I have no motive for lying. I've been using this site to try and work through my emotions. I've been completely open, real, and candid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I came here Big Mac, I did'nt send it to her... I posted it anonymously here. I believe it was you that suggested to write whatever it was I wanted to express here, as opposed to further making a fool of myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bryane,

If you want your marriage back you will not accomplish this buy going dark (or semi dark) on your wife. How would know that you are taking this seriously and making changes if you do? 

Whether or not there was an affair... there is a book that could help you a lot.. "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It talkes about plan A and Plan B.

Plan A is what you do to try to win her back. Plan B is what you do when it looks like Plan A is not working. (Plan B = the 180) The purpose of Plan-B/180 is to preserve what love you have left for your wife while she decided what she is going to. Over time, if she takes too long to decide, your love for her will die. So you stop as much interaction with her as possible so that she has less chance to cause damage to your love.

While your wife it not cheating right now, she's in a place very similar to what a wife is when she cheats and leaves.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

EleGirl, I want my wife and my marriage back, I feel when I'm open with her she takes it as an opportunity to attack right now. Some of the things she said were very vile and painful. She made issues out of things that where never issues in the past. She insulted my religion and claimed I brought her down. Yet I know most of what she said was simply not true, there was some truth to others. I believe she is scared, hurt, and angry. I don't know how to get past this. 
Example of the possible truth she sent:

Our relationship has been dead for quite some time now, it wasn't something that just happened over night. It's been over a year that I have not felt happy. Our suffering stems from your past it responsibilities and wrong choices. I have changed and I don't feel the same about our relationship as you do. I left because I made a decision and that's my choice. I fought hard with my emotions but I have not felt happy in a long time. It was not very hard for me because I have been detached for some time now and unhappy. The emails was just a cherry on top for me! There is a lot broken in our relationship and it's impossible to repair. You are the only one that believes it can! I don't know who you are! I don't trust you or believe you. You didn't put me 1st and you can't provide me with what I want and need in a marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bryane said:


> EleGirl, I want my wife and my marriage back, I feel when I'm open with her she takes it as an opportunity to attack right now. Some of the things she said were very vile and painful. She made issues out of things that where never issues in the past. She insulted my religion and claimed I brought her down. Yet I know most of what she said was simply not true, there was some truth to others. I believe she is scared, hurt, and angry. I don't know how to get past this.
> Example of the possible truth she sent:
> 
> Our relationship has been dead for quite some time now, it wasn't something that just happened over night. It's been over a year that I have not felt happy. Our suffering stems from your past it responsibilities and wrong choices. I have changed and I don't feel the same about our relationship as you do. I left because I made a decision and that's my choice. I fought hard with my emotions but I have not felt happy in a long time. It was not very hard for me because I have been detached for some time now and unhappy. The emails was just a cherry on top for me! There is a lot broken in our relationship and it's impossible to repair. You are the only one that believes it can! I don't know who you are! I don't trust you or believe you. You didn't put me 1st and you can't provide me with what I want and need in a marriage.


There is nothing vile in that at all. It's her truth. Why don't you belive her truth?


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

She complained about watches and rings (mind you hers is from Cartier) she was never materialistic in 7 years...I supported her throughout our marriage with the exception of the times I was effed up on pills and couldn't keep or didn't have a job. She has only been working 6 months.. I know where our relationship was. She wasn't detached until we moved back to FL at her request... About 6 months, yet we were happy most of the time. I have pictures, emails, voicemails, etc... She had everything she wanted and needed until I allowed myself to get addicted. Nice house, nice cars, clothes, dinners, vacations, etc
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I want my baby to be Christian not Jewish 
We got married on a lie 
I don't want to deal with Andrea, Lex, IRS, whoever else that's out there 
You brought me down not up!!! I ll be better off on my own
Move on with your life! I am sure there will be someone else who will be more than happy to deal with your problems 
We don't have anything in common 
You would never want to give anything to my mother 
I don't have anything out of this 7 year marriage 
There were never any money 
If you loved me then you would provide 
You didn't provide
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Those were the hurtful and vile things... Because for 6 out of 7 years I did everything. I believe there is some truth to what she is saying, however we got into it really bad one night about 4-5 months ago and I was going to leave. She begged me to stay and told me that I and our marriage was everything and she never wanted a divorce, she was sorry and that the financial issues were getting to her. However, she loved me and wouldn't ever hurt me and I knew that at the time so I stayed. We had plans for our futures and things were improving and moving back in the right direction both financially, and we were becoming closer again, the one thing we always had was that everything we enjoyed together. Maybe I'm being a delusional fool however relationships don't go on for 7 years under delusions. There were some big revelations between us, until the email incident. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

dial it back a hair.

first, you didn't send the bad email. that was the right thing to do. you ALREADY told her what you wanted to get off your chest before. Just because you have an itch doesn't make it a good reason to fire a cannon at her.

secondly, the whole "i just need to do this" "she doesn't understand" "why can't she listen to me" "she's wrong; i'm right" "if only i could just..." ...that's all the whiney little boy inside you throwing a tantrum. you need to get a hold of that sh!t for the welfare of everyone still in your life and for future relationships.

lastly, if you recognize that your relationship has been over for a year then you need to think that any reparation would take just as long. you can't solve anything with bullying and tantrums.

you're irritated because your life has changed. presently you're blaming her for that. your marriage is BROKEN. things break. that's not to say that you couldn't possibly form a new contract with that woman but the old one is done. i'm speaking metaphysically here not legally. the details of your wife's communications with you should be telling you the subtext of all the things she didn't feel she could talk to you about over the years because of... of... browbeating? walking on eggshells? i don't know you well enough to say for sure.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

That's the strange part, we were in the past prior to my checking out so to speak very open and honest with each other. She probably was walking on egg shells due to the fact she didn't know how to deal with the situation. She knew I was in pain, however she knew I was going overboard on the meds too. Good insight. I was doing really well today and felt pretty empowered until I came across the pics I mentioned earlier and then a whole swell of emotions came about that I really hadn't been dealing with. My frustration at her for shutting down and giving up when I truly needed her to be there for me as I was for her all the years prior.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Thanks you everyone, this helped me considerably, you've given me some invaluable insight and kept me from being a fool at the same time. ElleGirl if I might impose? What would be the best approach then, you say don't go dark or even semi dark? I try to keep to myself mostly now days and remain in no contact as much as I can as well as I continue to work on myself...I'm hoping someday she see past my mistakes and is able to see the real me again not the guy that screwed everything up. I would like for to forgive and to let go...I want to be the people we were and hopefully better. It makes it difficult when she has sooo much animosity and isn't willing to communicate it. She goes in spurts one minute I'm a good guy and she is sorry for hurting me the next I'm satan and we are getting divorced.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

that stuff is going to happen to you over and over. it just does. sniped.

you strike me as a very game-within-a-game guy. which probably makes you delightful at parties but difficult in a relationship. my point though is that your current situation isn't game-with-a-game.

it doesn't matter why she's been harboring resentment. or how it manifests. you need to give her some space to burn that fuel that she's working with. conversely, it gives you time to deal with all the ranting and irrational caterwaul on your side of the fence.

with luck if she reaches out you'll be in a healthier place to deal with things. if not, you'll just be healthier.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Much appreciated, Orpheus... Instinctly I know your right. Accepting that reality and dealing with it are a whole other ball game. Hmm, game the game... Interesting, I'll slow it down for my own sake. I'm not very good at being patient and I've usually managed to manipulate situations in every aspect of my life in the past to get instant gratification. This whole Limbo land dance sucks!!! Thanks again 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bryane said:


> Thanks you everyone, this helped me considerably, you've given me some invaluable insight and kept me from being a fool at the same time. ElleGirl if I might impose? What would be the best approach then, you say don't go dark or even semi dark? I try to keep to myself mostly now days and remain in no contact as much as I can as well as I continue to work on myself...I'm hoping someday she see past my mistakes and is able to see the real me again not the guy that screwed everything up. I would like for to forgive and to let go...I want to be the people we were and hopefully better. It makes it difficult when she has sooo much animosity and isn't willing to communicate it. She goes in spurts one minute I'm a good guy and she is sorry for hurting me the next I'm satan and we are getting divorced.


A lot fo the 180 is good.... But you also need some contact with her. All of what it says about not taking about emotional stuff until she comes to you and starts to talk is good.

You want to talk to her and you want her to see you. You want to do good things for her. 

That thing you posted earlier that you wanted to send her... do not send that. That will push her so far into her dark place that she might never come out. Do not do anything emotional and knee jerk like that.

Are you seeing your child? How many days a week do you have her? Set this up. You want to show that you are responsible with your child. 


If you get the book I suggested is explains a lot. It would take quite a bit to explain it here. The book is a quick read and very good. For starters take a look at the links to Plan A and Plan B in my signature block below. Most people do Plan A for no more than 2 months. It hard to do. But it can be very effective. 

If she does not respond to Plan A then go to Plan B.

Couple the 180 with Plan A. If you go to Plan B do a very hard no contact. And when you do have contact with her combine that with a very hard 180.

Don't know if that makes sense.

The most important part of all this is that it's about changing yourself. Becoming a better person. None of this is a ploy to manipulate her. It it's uses a manipulation it will blow up in your face.

Have a question about the divorce papers... did she draw those up herself? Do you know enough about the divorce laws and your rights to know if those papers protect you financially, as a parent etc? Do not be in a rush to sign them. Tell her that you need time to look them over, find out your own rights, etc. Tell her to quit rushing you on something so important. YOu need 30-90 days to look them over. And not she does not need to serve you, but she does need to give you the time that a court would give you.

Also, you say that the emails was not what it seemed. Only you know the truth. If the turth is different you need to admit it to yourself and to her. She knows you and she knows when you are not telling the truth.. the whole truth.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Yes , I suggested you to do it here and NOT send it to her !

Do you understand why you should NOT contact her and you should NOT use words like love , kiss etc ?

Imagine you announced you would like to stop drinking , how will that sound if someone say to you " I know it is hard , so get a glass of chardonnay " ?

Or if you wanna stop smoking and I say " Hey buddy , lets go smoke a cigarette " , what are you going to think of me ???


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

BigMac that put things in a better perspective for me to comprehend. We texted briefly this morning. I stuck to the 180 rules until she finally opened up and told me that she was afraid of me. I in turn opened myself up and tried to reassure her, I explained that it wasn't intentional, and expressed that it hurts me 10 fold to know I caused her pain. She shut down, not a word since. My phone died, broke into tears and went back to sleep until I had to leave to my office. It's painful to know you hurt someone you love and there really is nothing you can do other than give them time regardless that you want to comfort them. I feel better she at least isn't pulling things out of the air anymore and saying things hurtful that were never issues in the past. I'll back off again and try to stick to the rules.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

bryane said:


> BigMac that put things in a better perspective for me to comprehend. We texted briefly this morning. I stuck to the 180 rules until she finally opened up and told me that she was afraid of me. I in turn opened myself up and tried to reassure her, I explained that it wasn't intentional, and expressed that it hurts me 10 fold to know I caused her pain. She shut down, not a word since. My phone died, broke into tears and went back to sleep until I had to leave to my office. It's painful to know you hurt someone you love and there really is nothing you can do other than give them time regardless that you want to comfort them. I feel better she at least isn't pulling things out of the air anymore and saying things hurtful that were never issues in the past. I'll back off again and try to stick to the rules.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Actions speaks more the words !

She must been afraid of you for long time, how do you think you can assure her with 5 words ?

180 , very polite , nice , happy confident ! Don't get angry at her no matter what ! Even if you see her with other guy !

You need to prove her the old bryane is gone and the new one is here , and that take time !

Be patient !


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Thank you, I am. It's been about a year since we connected consistently. It was me, not her that shut down and closed off. I'm sure this hurt her immensely now that I look back. I tried to drown out everything with the pain medication until I got to a point where I was so ashamed and embarresed at what and who I had become. I wasn't honest with myself or her. I was always the strong one, the provider, I felt like I'd let her down, and disappointed her so much that I wasn't worthy. She stuck through everything always on my side, like my own personal cheer leader. I believe now it wasn't the addiction, or the finances that truly hurt her. Don't get me wrong I'm sure it hurt, however I beleive that my shutting her out for so long is what really is the true root of our problems and the sad part is I didn't realize it. You're right about actions, and I'll continue to lead with them. Thank you for your support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

ElleGirl...

We have no children and there isn't any divorce papers as of yet. I take that as a good sign although every night as I'm driving home the anxiety of whether or not she is going to be at my home or if I'm going to be alone again, or if there is going to be divorce papers kills me I stare out the window every time a car drives by... Pathetic huh? We have a dog that she loved very much, however since the separation she has only seen him once for he stays with me. I wish I had an excuse to see her, she asked for space, so I've complied. every time I see a white BMW my heart skips a beat, because I think it is her. I would be more than happy to do nice things for her, I generally always did in the past. I do want the best for her regardless. What other suggestions might you have? She claims I scare her. Mind you I was NEVER physically abusive; she must be afraid of me hurting her emotionally? I'm tempted to call mutual friends and get there take however I haven't. As I said before I look at the cell usage sometimes as a desperate way to assure myself that there is no one else, and from the calls and texts 90% of the numbers I recognize. I don't call her, I usually text. See my post from this morning. Maybe you can suggest a better approach for me? I don't know how to show her if I don't have the opportunity to. BTW, still no response since I opened up.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I had a really difficult time sleaping last night, in actuality I havent slept much since she left. In 4 days it will be a month. People are starting to take notice that I'm looking haggard. I've lost weight, from about 220 to 190. I'm 6'2" and have always been pretty athletic so it's not like I was fat or really had that much extra weight to begin with. 

Does this catharticsm ever go away? My heart literally feels empty yet heavy at the same time. I feel like I'm wearing a lead suit when I walk as opposed to walking with purpose and confidence. This morning seems really bad; I cant stop obsessing about her, my marriage and our lives. Almost everything I see, touch, smell, and hear triggers a memory of her. 

Why am I torturing myself for someone that didnt even have the decency to sit me down and talk to me prior to making this decision. I feel so inadequate and pathetic at the moment, this is not me! This is not who I am! I used to be the guy others looked up to and came to for advice and help. Not this pathetic creature! 

I'm not sure if she could even give a flying fvck about me! Yet, I continue to love her and miss her. Nothing seems obvious anymore; I'm stuck. I dont want to loose her, yet she is already gone. 

If this is my future then where are the damn divorce papers! How much longer must I wait, how much longer do I continue to allow this to go on. I dont want to close myself off to the opportunity of reconcilliation, yet the pain I struggle with on a daily basis is eating me alive.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

easy. This changes a man (or woman)

Bub, we're all here, usually in the same boat. 

We know how you feel. I just had a panick attack this morning, bawled, cried, hyperventilated to the point of almost passing out. BAAADDDD thoughts... for 2 hours. no.. 3 HOURS! 

Just now calming down. 

Man, you have to do the same. YOu have to calm down. Keep busy. And even then, it's still gonna hit you. And it's gonna feel like a mack truck when it does at times. 

We're here for you. 

It gets easier with time. Try to be patient as best as possible.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Dewayne76 I empathize, yesterday I did the same thing...

I literally think I'm going to take up smoking pot and try to start hitting the gym again. I just want to sleep, eat, and forget.... 

Last month for two weeks I was frozen, I didnt have the fortitude to talk to anyone and now my paycheck is going to be a direct reflection of that. 

I wonder if I should just go out and get laid and get this over with? It's not what I want, however I dont seem to have much control in the situation and I dont know if I'm ever going to get what I want...


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> easy. This changes a man (or woman)
> 
> Bub, we're all here, usually in the same boat.
> 
> ...


I like this Dewayne. 

Yes, patience, my friend. 

Do you want to sign the divorce papers? If not, what do you care if they are not here yet? 

Seriously, let her stew in this. I rushed, at first, to get my MSA and divorce moving and all it did was further cement her "justified" feelings for leaving. Let her make the move. 

Also, I am local to you (Boca), so if you ever need someone to talk to in person, let me know.


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

bryane said:


> I literally think I'm going to take up smoking pot


No. You have shown a problem with substance abuse before. Do you really think this is wise?


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

bryane said:


> I wonder if I should just go out and get laid and get this over with? It's not what I want, however I dont seem to have much control in the situation and I dont know if I'm ever going to get what I want...


Boundaries man. Come on. You dont want it. Then dont do it. Is getting laid going to "fix" you or the issues you have? No. In fact, it will make it worse.

Remember this. You have faults. Your exwife has faults. You are going to take the necessary steps to fix them. Work on yourself. Get better. Is she? No. 

We are the lucky ones. We suffer now, but we come out of this as new and improved people. Our spouses may get to enjoy that improvement, they may not. Regardless, we will and our next relationship will only be better because of it.

No shortcuts. Work on you.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Hermes, Thank you, I dislike most substances including pot, however the idea of sleeping, eating and not worrying for a few hours sounds extremely novel. I rarely drink as well. The opiates for some reason over time crept up on me and it was a physical addiction (ie I'd get extremely ill if I discontinued use) then a mental one. Regardless, you probably are right.

I dont want a divorce, however the papers would probably solidify mentally and justify me going out and sleeping with someone else to help me get over her....

That would be nice, I moved here because SHE wanted to. I'm from CA so I dont have any friends here other than her fiends, which really sucks.


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

bryane said:


> Hermes, Thank you, I dislike most substances including pot, however the idea of sleeping, eating and not worrying for a few hours sounds extremely novel. I rarely drink as well. The opiates for some reason over time crept up on me and it was a physical addiction (ie I'd get extremely ill if I discontinued use) then a mental one. Regardless, you probably are right.
> 
> I dont want a divorce, however the papers would probably solidify mentally and justify me going out and sleeping with someone else to help me get over her....
> 
> That would be nice, I moved here because SHE wanted to. I'm from CA so I dont have any friends here other than her fiends, which really sucks.


Hey man. I will PM you my contact info. It is always nice to be able to talk about it with people that are going through the same thing.

Good on the substance. I know it is only pot. But, it is still an addictive substance, that IF you reconciled, I am sure your wife would not look to kindly on. Dont even think about it. Get non habit forming sleeping pills (or if pills bring back bad experiences, go to the gym before bed time. The treadmill will do wonders). 

trust me, sleeping with someone else will just be a bandaid. Unless you fix yourself, you will just carry over those issues to anyone else. 

I would suggest friendly, platonic dates with women, though. It is a good feeling to go out and have a good time with someone of the opposite sex. But, boundaries. No physical stuff until you are ready.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

bryane said:


> the papers would probably solidify mentally and justify me going out and sleeping with someone else to help me get over her....


Does that even work?


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

bryane said:


> Does this catharticsm ever go away? My heart literally feels empty yet heavy at the same time. I feel like I'm wearing a lead suit when I walk as opposed to walking with purpose and confidence. This morning seems really bad; I cant stop obsessing about her, my marriage and our lives. Almost everything I see, touch, smell, and hear triggers a memory of her.
> 
> Why am I torturing myself for someone that didnt even have the decency to sit me down and talk to me prior to making this decision. I feel so inadequate and pathetic at the moment, this is not me! This is not who I am! I used to be the guy others looked up to and came to for advice and help. Not this pathetic creature!
> 
> I'm not sure if she could even give a flying fvck about me! Yet, I continue to love her and miss her. Nothing seems obvious anymore; I'm stuck. I dont want to loose her, yet she is already gone.


Yes it will get better, but it takes time. Just find things to do to keep your mind busy right now. You will have moments where you feel all these things, but those moments will slowly dwindle and become fewer and fewer. Try to make a effort to think positive and not allow 'her' to gain control of your mind. If you start thinking about her or the relationship just make a immediate jump to thinking about something else. I know its tough and takes work. 

I know exactly how you feel about how everything you see or touch reminds you of your wife. She and your life with her are still so fresh in your mind it can't be helped. It's ok to cry it out if you have to, but you have to bounce back afterwards. Like I said for me just keeping busy doing things helps tremendously. And gaining control of your thoughts is not only helpful in stopping these emotions, but with enough work and practice it can be helpful throughout your life. 

Worry now about what you can control. Which is you. 

Just because you have a bad moment, fall down once in awhile and get upset doesn't mean it has to control your life.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Hermes, 

Truth be told I know all of this and I am seeing a therapist tomorrow to hopefully help me work on myself and make this transition easier. Sometimes I believe we need to hear it from others as well.

In the past I've NEVER experienced any of the emotions I am currently going throuh. I replaced girlfriends the same day. 

I fell hard for this person. 7 years I NEVER even thought about anyone else and I still don't to this day. We all have our faults, however I always overlooked hers. Love truly is blind.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Sharkeey,

It always did in the past for me, but then again I never believe I really loved anyone before my wife. I remeber when the Mother of my daughter threatened to move out, I kicked her out the next day and moved someone in the very next. It wasnt probably the healthiest choice, however it definitely kept my mind off of everything and I had someone to meet my needs that was fun to hang out with...


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

_I know exactly how you feel about how everything you see or touch reminds you of your wife. She and your life with her are still so fresh in your mind it can't be helped. It's ok to cry it out if you have to, but you have to bounce back afterwards. Like I said for me just keeping busy doing things helps tremendously. And gaining control of your thoughts is not only helpful in stopping these emotions, but with enough work and practice it can be helpful throughout your life. 

Worry now about what you can control. Which is you. 

Just because you have a bad moment, fall down once in awhile and get upset doesn't mean it has to control your life._

You are absolutely right!!!! I really appreciate everyone here. I am glad I found this site. I think I would be a total clusterfvck, If I hadnt. Not to say I'm not at times anyways.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

After one of the absolute worst days in regards to that empty, heavy, lost, and lonely, gut wrenching, bawling like a baby, effed up pathetic days I received a text from a good friend, a friend that also happens to be one of my wife's closest and dearest friends. Obviously, checking up on me, however she told me not to give up hope and encouraged me to continue trying. This in turn completely restored my hope and renewed my faith that hopefully my wife and I will eventually be able to work through this. It was nice to talk to a friend that knows me as a human being and still believes in me and who I am as well as my marriage. Don't get me wrong, this board helps me immensely and everyone of you has either offered encouragement, support, and insight in some of my darkest moments, however to have someone that really knows me, the situation, and my wife offer encouragement and support really turned my attitude around. Today has been a roller coaster of emotions and I am finally feeling good enough to get out of the house and take my dog for a walk on Lincoln Rd, get something to eat, socialize, and be content within myself; at least for now. Thank you's to everyone that has offered to reach out and help. I don't know how I would have managed the last 26 days without the help and kindness of others such as yourselves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I wonder if it alright for me to express this to my wife;

I sincerely believe when you are married, you don't just abandon your spouse, you don't just decide to leave without talking about it or trying to work through whatever issues are at hand. I never just gave up on you, I never left you without giving you the opportunity to resolve an issue. For 7 years I gave everything of myself and what I had to you. I gave whether I had a lot to give or I had a little. The point is, regardless I gave and everyone that knows us holds to that truth as well. I want our marriage to work, however as much as it pains me I've come to the realization I don't need for our marriage to work and my life will go on without you. The ball is in your court.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

translation: waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

the ball is already in her court. strong people don't need to talk about how strong they are. you keep reaching for low hanging fruit to not find it there or over-ripe over and over and over again.

you keep looking for confirmation bias here in order to proceed exactly like you want to. you've got to start to add something new to the equation in order to get new results. you need a big paradigm shift, B.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Orpheus, never sent it. I just finished meeting with my therapist. She earned her money today...lol. At any rate my wife told me a Christmas Tree was important to her so I put a tree in my house for her. Needless to say, she appreciated the gesture. The therapist gave me a great analogy. She stated that when my wife disconnected from the marriage she started building all of this anger up over the smallest of issues. Imagine each issue being a marble and she is the vessel that holds these marbles. Eventually by placing so many marbles in to the jar it becomes so heavy that nobody can move it. This is where my wife is at. She has allowed herself to fill with so much anger over things that are really of no meaning, however this is the only way she knows how to associate it. Like she forgot what the real issue is, and just wants to focus on every minor detail. Fortunately, my marriage is salvageable in almost everyone's eyes except hers. I need to be patient and to focus on myself and my happiness, something I've neglected to do for a long time. If I am better, regardless my life will be better. I'm think its really time just to focus on doing things that I want, not in a selfish sense, but in what's best for everyone. Making my wife happy has always brought me great joy in the past, my happiness has always brought her happiness as well even still to this day. So it's time for me to be happy!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

bryane said:


> Fortunately, my marriage is salvageable in almost everyone's eyes except hers. _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bryane - I have been in the same boat as everyone told me ours is salvageable and not to be a downer, but realize it takes two to make a marriage work and she has to be committed to doing so. If they don't it's not.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Soca70, I realize this. I know that she still loves me and that she wants to talk to me. She is hurt and afraid, which is quite understandable given the roller coaster I put her on over the last year. I don't believe she would start to open up to me if it wasn't her intention to reconcile. She has told me and numerous others that it will take time and effort on my part. So I'll give her time and the effort really just comes from my heart naturally anyways. It's the uncertainty of the situation and the loss of my closest confidant that has me in more turmoil than anything. Orpheus called it when he said I was upset and whining because my world changed. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

bryane said:


> Orpheus, never sent it.





bryane said:


> I wonder if it alright for me to express this to my wife
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not. That's why i responded.



bryane said:


> If I am better, regardless my life will be better.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A point i think a number of us made 6 pages ago. 

Unfortunately, no matter how much your therapist thinks your relationship will work the only people actually involved in it are you and your stb.. The pent up resentment on your wife's part is not easily dismissible, solvable or necessarily temporary.


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

That sounds like a positive development for you and I wish you both the best.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I know Orpheus, you are a good man. I'm stubborn and thick headed at times. It takes me while to absorb things that I don't want to hear or believe. I know my wife knows this about me as well and finds the fact that, I've gone this far and been this stubborn about working things out endearing as well. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I'm so sick of coming home to an empty house. I don't know why, however every night as I drive home I tell myself that maybe my wife will be there. Instead I'm greeted by our dog, an empty home, her picture, and a pathetic looking Christmas Tree still in its wrappings from the Christmas Tree lot. I don't understand how in a two week time frame one person goes from being so committed to our marriage that she sends me an email about how she wants us to get back to that place where we couldn't keep our hands off one another and that she is going to do everything she can to get us there... To telling me I'm delusional and that she was so unhappy. From what i believe and know as well as feel there is no other man. I know what I felt and I know what I feel. I don't think I'm delusional. I feel that if she were willing to accept the truth that she would forgive me for neglecting her and my responsibilities to provide for us. When things started to go bad financially I started to abuse my pain medications to numb myself from everything, slowly I became addicted and I did just that. I deadened every emotion and feeling I had. It wasn't as if they weren't there. They were just repressed and I was in a warm and fuzzy haze. When I quit taking the opiates every emotion came back in full force. How can she think I didn't love her or care? I always told her I did. I really miss her. I miss my best friend, the person that I shared my most intimate thoughts with. It is lonely, and empty without her. Sometimes we text or talk and I feel momentarily better, even if she is saying things that I don't want to hear. I still feel better just hearing her voice. I miss my wife, I want my best friend, lover, partner, traveller, and confidant back. Everyday I hope and I pray, I do what I think is right and responsible. I've accepted responsibility for my past and my actions that I believe led us to this point. She says she's noticed a change, however 2 weeks doesn't prove anything, perhaps she is right. But at least it proves that I care enough to change and start improving myself and our lives. I was irresponsible and wreckless at times, however I know I always loved her and I always will.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Another night, I'm awake, I'm worried, I can't sleep. I won't make a fool of myself, I won't call or spy, even though I can't stand this!!! The worry and anxiety is killing me!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I have been catching up on all the post, and just wanted to let you know, you are not alone. I know you go home to an empty house but we are all here for you. I have two girls at home waiting on there dad to come home. Every night one of them cries for there dad and no matter what there is nothing I can do to make him come home. It hurts to see your children in pain and know there is nothin that you can do. Breaks my heart!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Hang in there bryane. It does suck going home to a empty house every night and waking up alone all through the night or in the morning. I'm going through the same thing. Its appears at this point I will never again hear from my ex. The women I loved with all my heart. Since we have no kids there are no ties that bind us. I can only imagine if she ever thinks about me or what she has done or is she just living it up.

It is amazing how people can go from one week acting like you are the world to them to saying they are unhappy. Seemingly overnight. A bunch of BS if you ask me. They lie to themselves so much about how unhappy they are to convince themselves what they are doing is for the best. Because they want out of the marriage for a all together different reason. Which is why you can remember so many happy moments, both distant and recent, and they only remember the bad. 

At times you will feel better and up beat, but you will always have moments where you feel the way you did in some of these recent posts. Just remember these feelings are temporary. It's ok to feel down sometimes and miss her, but don't let it control who you are or let is destroy you.

I'd never get back with my ex, but still hardly a moment goes by where I don't wish she would text me or call me so I can believe that she still loves me. If that ever did happen I doubt it would help me. Probably just confuse me more, but yet I can't help wishing and praying for it. 

This is all so very painful for the person left behind, but you have to believe in yourself and know it will get better. It just takes time.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Lee101981, I empathize with your pain, I can only imagine how having children impacts the situation. I really hope you are able to have a Happy Holidays for your children's sake at the very least. I really appreciate your support. I know you and your children are suffering and this is the worst time of year to be experiencing this. Hopefully he realizes that his children need him and he does the right thing by them.

NoWhere, I agree it is bull****!!! You don't just walk out on your marriage without trying, without even barely a word. I thought I was the only one in this situation. Family and friends tell me she still loves me and to not give up. I haven't yet and I keep trying, however when your spouse leaves you and is not willing to even talk to you, it makes it very difficult to hang on. I feel like I've done everything I can and from where I am at today to where I was at a few months ago; are completely different plains as far as how my behaviors are. I don't know what more I can do, I don't want a divorce, my marriage in itself has so many great and wonderfull qualities. We've gone through our share of struggles, however as far back as I can remember we always loved each other and we were happy when we were together. Now that we are apart neither of us is happy, we atill love eachother. This is what is so mind boggling to me. She NEVER sat me down and said Bryan this needs to be corrected or worked on once before she left. I sincerely at this point don't know what to think or believe and although I don't want to give up, I don't know what to do either. I feel confused, abandoned, betrayed, and hurt. I'm still not sure what happened exactly or what she thinks or believes. All I know is that she tells me things like she is unhappy, she is better off without me, and she doesn't feel the same about me...WTF? Does that supposed to mean? If its true why is she so sad? Why does she tell people she still loves me. Why would she write that email 2 weeks prior? I'm confused as all hell. I know where I stand, and I know how I feel. I know what our family and friends believe, I know everything except what is really going on in her mind and after 7 years I think I know her well enough to know that whatever bull**** and hurtful thing she says is not the truth it's coming from anger and frustration, or maybe I really am just as delusional as she now claims I am. Regardless it's messing me up and hurting me really badly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Where is she living now? I'm so sorry but are you sure there isn't someone else I mean to change that quickly sounds like a 3rd person is in the mix.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Tom67, She's living at her Mother's house, my Mother in Law tells me she sits at home most of the time depressed other than when she goes to the gym. I agree I thought the same thing at first, however I can not see anything from the phone bills, and most of her friends tell me she is not interested in anyone and that she just wants to be left alone right now. I've cracked a few times when the anxiety really got to me and used the find my iphone app to locate her. She spent the night at her friends one night when she got into a fight with her Mother, however from what I know she is at home 90% of the time. I've asked her directly as well and I don't think at this point there would be any reason to lie to me. If that was the case and she really wanted a divorce; I'd give up and move on. I'm not interested in maintaining a marriage where there has been infidelity. I've never cheated on her and I would expect the same. I know at first she thought I was, however she has to know by now that I never would do such a thing. I believe her Father dislikes me and has said some things, when I sent him an email stating it was time for us to talk he ignored me. Other than that I'm completely clueless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Wow sorry man she needs some ic bad. I know you don't want a divorce but whoa this is messed up.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

IC?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

bryane said:


> IC?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Independent counseling.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I've been going, however she refuses to see a therapist. She says in her culture they don't believe in those types of things. I also know that in her culture they don't beleive in divorce either. So where does that leave me? LoL.... I agree it's a bad situation and I don't know what else to do anymore. All I can do is continue to do what I have been doing. Work on myself, do what I believe is right for our marriage, and be patient. Regardless It still is very painfull, lonely, and hard to remain strong throughout this whole ordeal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I am going to make a good one if it kills me. I am praying that you have a great holiday season. I am glad that u are seeking help and able to admit your mistakes. There are a lot of people out there who won't ever be able to admit there mistakes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Lee101981, that's good. My Holidays are still up in the air. I bought the Christmas Tree for her. She knows it's here. I just got home and my Mother In Law's car is in the driveway. I guess she came to take the dog for a walk because he is missing too. I started crying for a moment. I wish she would come home...I'm tired of worrying, I'm tired of the uncertainty, this has taken a huge toll on me both emotionally, mentally, and physically.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

It is ok to cry! We miss our partners. My h came over to see the girls tonight and asked if I was feeding lines to my 4 year old? Really a 4 year old don't get me wrong I sure some people would but I not that person I cried cause it hurt so bad that he would even ask me that, like he has not just spent the last 10 years with me. I was pissed! The nerve!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Lee101981, I don't get it? How after so many years they become so cold and callous, I'm sorry about your daughters. It must make you feel like grabbing him and shaking him and saying what is wrong with you! I know I've felt that way many times over the course of the last month. My mother in law just dropped off the dog. I was laying in bed, I'm just drained in every aspect from this. She is really upset. She asked if I talk to her daughter, my wife; I said I try, however she ignores me most of the time. She said it seems as if nothing changes, like there is no hope. I said none of this makes any sense. If there was another man it would make sense, however I don't think she is and neither does she. I'm tired of worrying and I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of hurting. I just want to sleep. I can't make her realize what she is doing is hurting me and I want to fix our marriage. I honestly think she doesn't care anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

some day you'll get tired of chasing ghosts, scooby. doesn't matter who she is or isn't nailing. who she is or isn't calling. she left your life. if she decides to come back then you have something to discuss otherwise you are the only problem you have.

stop stalking and start chalking, b. you've got game to get back to.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

After almost 6 months I have my nights where I can't shut my mind off where I replay everything And it makes me mad and sad and hurt! There are so many questions left unanswered. I am just very hurt right know but I can't imagine my life with out him by my side. I am ready for the light to come on in my dark tunnel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Orpheus, No Richard Ramirez's here. I'm almost to that point of where I've come to that same conclusion, I want to, however I still can't! There are way too many unanswered questions at this point for me to make any life changing decisions. I have decided not to bother trying to communicate anymore, it doesn't seem appreciated or reciprocated at this point. If she wants to talk she'll call... Despite the fact I want to, if she doesnt want to, what's the point??? I've haven't attempted or bothered to try since yesterday, regardless.

Lee101981, sometimes things are just meant to be, no matter how much we fight it and think that we know what is best for us, something better is right around the corner. Do you get out much? Do you try to meet new people? 

Wow, I wish I could take my own advice sometimes :O!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

bryane said:


> I said none of this makes any sense. If there was another man it would make sense, however I don't think she is and neither does she. I'm tired of worrying and I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of hurting. I just want to sleep. I can't make her realize what she is doing is hurting me and I want to fix our marriage. I honestly think she doesn't care anymore.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bryan - I've been following your thread and I'm in the same boat. I posted earlier on yours about it takes two to make this work. I'm 2 months in on this and still trying to my mind wrapped around how quickly our relationship changed. Things that should be workable are not, not wanting to try, shifting all blame. I've posted earlier that I don't find her reasons valid "enough" for me to accept. It's a tough spot. I'm pulling for you through this.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

bryane said:


> I'm almost to that point of where I've come to that same conclusion, I want to, however I still can't!_Posted via Mobile Device_


dude, you're already living a life changing decision. you're the only one that doesn't know it yet. doesn't matter which way the decision ultimately falls. stopping waiting.



bryane said:


> I wish I could take my own advice sometimes :O!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


or, you know, any.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> After almost 6 months *I have my nights where I can't shut my mind off where I replay everything And it makes me mad and sad and hurt! There are so many questions left unanswered. I am just very hurt right know but I can't imagine my life with out him by my side.* I am ready for the light to come on in my dark tunnel.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I have my two girls most of the time except two weekends a month. I was laid off at the end of September due to lack of work so all the umemployment I get is going to house and bills and Christmas for my girls. The thought of going out is scary to me. I am not ready to move on, I am not ready to take of my wedding ring, we have not filed anything yet. I have gone out with friends a couple times but it was weird....Lastnight h got to see one of the girls break down at bed time. It was not near as bad as it normally is but he got to see it. 

Just pissy pants......


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I decided to take the dog for a walk on Lincoln Rd and grab a bite to eat! I'm so sick of staring at that damn Christmas Tree! I'm debating whether to take the tree and either decorate myself, donate it to a less fortunate family, or just dump the thing in the trash. I bought the tree because one of her excuses for being unhappy was I never allowed her to have a Christmas Tree even though it was never an issue in the past.. (I'm Jewish) at any rate it seems nothing I do or have done is good enough, doesn't seem like I should even bother since it goes unappreciated anyways. Orpheus you a right, I am living in a life changing situation, however I'm not going to be the one that gave up, cheats, or breaks my wedding vows. In the mean time, I'll just continue working on improving me and my life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I had it ! I sat here and stewed all day about him having the nerve to ask me that and I went over to his apartment and blasted him! I feel so much better and I said all that I had to say! I will be faithful to my vows as well but if something is going to change he has to make the first move . I totally 180 for me and my girls! Tonight I felt so alive just telling him like it is! He just sat there. I said what i had to say and I grabbed my coat and purse and left . I hate the fact that i had tears running down my face while i spoke but o well. Although I did come home and have a drink! Just 1!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Lee,

I'm glad you finally got that off your chest. It must have been empowering to finally get that all out. At least he listened, my wife won't even give me that opportunity. I hope the 180 works for you! Good luck!!! Don't give in!!! As much as I don't want to be here without my wife, I push myself to get out of the house and try and do things I normally enjoyed. Plus it's nice to get attention from people, it makes me feel like I'm not a complete looser. The screwed up part is I ignore it, because I want for only my wife's attention. Sick how I do that to myself. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Bryane, 
I know how u feel everyday when I get clothes out the the closet I look at his empty side. I look at his nightstand and see nothing! I am the one stuck with all the memories here in our home. While he moves into an apartment with no memories. I hate when the girls are gone the house is silent and it is like i dont want to go and do anything. I get to hear the girls cry for there dad. I get the calls from them while they are at there dads saying they want to come home or when they are sick they want me. I feel like he has it a lot easier then I do but I am committed to the 180 now more then ever. A job would be nice too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Time to move on, I don't even know who this person is anymore. When I'm honest and speakimg from my heart it gets me knowhere. After me attempting to reach out over and over all she can say to me is, "You can't leave the country". Oh there is a reason to divorce someone!!! Her loss!!! I knew I didn't want to get to this point, but here I am!!! Orpheus, my friend you were so right!!! Over 30 days I've sat around licking my wounds like a pathetic looser!!! Waiting for this??? Waiting to be told that I'm not sure if I want to fix our marriage!!! She was not happy even though I poured my heart and soul into her happiness!!! No more!!! Game on!!! She tells me Don't force me into a decision!!! How selfish can you be??? She forced me into this separation!!! She forced me Into all of this!!! Don't force her??? And I'm the delusional one??? LMAO!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Did u talk to her today?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lee101981 said:


> I have my two girls most of the time except two weekends a month. I was laid off at the end of September due to lack of work so all the umemployment I get is going to house and bills and Christmas for my girls. The thought of going out is scary to me. I am not ready to move on, I am not ready to take of my wedding ring, we have not filed anything yet. I have gone out with friends a couple times but it was weird....Lastnight h got to see one of the girls break down at bed time. It was not near as bad as it normally is but he got to see it.
> 
> Just pissy pants......


I can understand you not wanting to go out with anyone right now. But maybe you can get out with new people, not dates. Take a look at meetup.com There might be something there at interests you. Go.. have fun with no pressure.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Yes. However I'm through talking, she has become a selfish and ungreatful person whom I unfortunately am married to at the moment. She can have her divorce!!! I'm so over all of this... You can't make someone love you, and when they sh1t on your heart and smile it's time to move on. Good looking women that only give when there is something in it for them are a dime a dozen...they are called prostitutes, wh0res, gold diggers, etc... Never thought that was who she is, however I guess she was right about one thing, I was confused.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Bryane for some reason it is like they have to push us to far to see that it is over. That was me yesterday! I think we all come to that conclusion it just takes some of us longer then others. Any great plans this weekend? I am handing out toys at the hospital tomorrow then going for a walk then out for drinks while my brother is in town. I am wrapping presents tonight! Trying to stay busy!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Tonight, I'm getting drunk and celebrating my freedom. Tomorrow I am meeting a friend for coffee, then I'm going to my office. I have to work for a few hours. Sunday I'm going to look for a new home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Sounds like u have a full weekend. I know this is hard. Try to think of this as a new adventure. I already have a sober driver lined up for tomorrow! I hope u have a good weekend!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I bought her a pair of 3 carat diamond earrings because she lost the flawless diamond earrings I bought her. The funny thing is she requested 2 carat diamonds and I bought her 3 carats then I had the settings custom made yet she still complained that they were too small. I guess the writing was on the wall. They are at the pawn shop now because we needed money when we moved, however I now have $$$ again she doesn't... just like when I met her.... I'm debating whether to get them out and sell them probably next week since they appraised somewhere around 15K. Her pictures came down tonight and the rest I'm not sure whether to trash or donate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Thanks I do...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Damn it why do I still care???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

You care cause we can't help who we love! I would cry if someone bought me something like that. I think there will come and day where you have moved on she will see what she had and wished she had it back. You have done everything and anything to repair your marriage and that is all that we can do. I am sure there are a lot of women out there that would love to put a smile on your face when u are ready. I hope you have a good weekend dont let her take that away from you. P.S. go get the earrings from the pawn shop and sell them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Hey Lee thank you!!! I was really angry last night and then I was really drunk. I probably needed to drink myself into oblivian, It's been a long time coming. She can no longer affect me. Maybe she'll pull out of it, maybe she won't, regardless my life needs to move forward. I refuse to let her have any more control over me, my feelings, emotions, or hold me back. She doesn't appreciate or value me or anything I've done for her, anything I've said, and the changes I've made within myself. She tells me that she was extremely unhappy throughout our marriage despite the fact with the exception of the time I was on high doses of medications I always went the extra mile and made all attempts to bring happiness to her life. I always put her first; I even moved across the damn country for her!!! Everybody that knows us intimately knows and acknowledges this as well. I guess my best was not good enough? What's the point of caring or even trying to show someone you love them and care for them when they don't seem to even care or appreciate what you have done or are currently doing??? Sounds like a fools errand and a complete waste of time and energy to me. It's time to spend that energy on finding some peace and happiness for myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Sounds like you have been doing alot of thinking. I went to the hospital today and handed out toys to all these little kids that were laying in hospital beds really put a lot of things in perspective. I am so lucky to have two beautiful girls that are healthy that needs a strong mom! Where are u from and where did u move? Did u find a new place to live?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I'm from Newport Beach, CA. I moved to FL at her request. She more or less demanded it. I'm currently living on Keystone Island which is by Bal Harbor, however it's around an hour commute each way to my office. I'm looking in Pompano Beach, Lighthouse Point, and Deerfield Beach. It's difficult to find a nice place to rent that will allow me to keep my dog. He's around 150 pounds, a lot of people are intimidated by him even though all he does is sleep, eat, and snore most of the time. He's a Neopolitan Mastiff, really the sweetest creature. I bought him for her, however now she seems to not care about him too. It's strange, as I said earlier, she doesn't seem like the person I knew. He was the love of her life, but then again supposedly I was too...LoL
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Like I said earlier I think there will be a day when she will want you back. You will have moved on by the time this comes!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I'm leaving that door open to her for now, however I see it closing and as much as that's not what I want with each passing day the more I feel betrayed, resentful, and angry. She forced me into this, without so much as even a word beforehand, whatever her reasons were; she should have spoken to me about her feelings first as opposed to shutting me out, and holding in her frustrations until it got to this point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Agreed we are in the same boat and it sucks!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

bryane said:


> she doesn't seem like the person I knew.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



she isn't the person you think she is.


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

bryane said:


> I'm leaving that door open to her for now, however I see it closing and as much as that's not what I want with each passing day the more I feel betrayed, resentful, and angry. She forced me into this, without so much as even a word beforehand, whatever her reasons were; she should have spoken to me about her feelings first as opposed to shutting me out, and holding in her frustrations until it got to this point.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bryan - I had a similar situation. And the anger, betryal, and resentment comes from being backed into a corner with no options for me. Are you doing IC?


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Orpheus? Elaborate please?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Soca70 I'm seeing a therapist weekly, She has been helpful, however she feels the only thing I can do is wait and be patient to see how this plays out. Last night my wife texted me and then called me. I just ignored her. I feel like she thinks I'll jump every time she initiates anything and I feel like I need to take back my control. Does that make sense? It's hard, however I don't know what else to do anymore. Anyone's input would be greatly appreciated. The text was asking me if I was going to a Christmas Party her mother invited me to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

bryane said:


> Orpheus? Elaborate please?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She is showing you who she really is right now. She did not change overnight. This is how she, most likely, has always been. You saw her as you wanted to see her. She was never the person you thought she was. It is something I am struggling with realizing, as well.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I was going to invite her to join me and the dog at the beach today, however am undecided if that is the right thing to do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Hermes, she has never been like this before. Even her friends and own Mother don't recognize these behaviors. They noticed the change around 6 months ago as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

bryane said:


> I was going to invite her to join me and the dog at the beach today, however am undecided if that is the right thing to do?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No. Stick to the 180.


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

Hermes said:


> No. Stick to the 180.


Has she shown any desire to spend time with you?


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

This is the text I received: "Hi. R u coming to the Xmad party my mom told u about?"

I ignored it, then a 30 minutes later I received a phone call, which I ignored as well. This was at 11:35 last night. She did not leave a message.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

bryane said:


> This is the text I received: "Hi. R u coming to the Xmad party my mom told u about?"
> 
> I ignored it, then a 30 minutes later I received a phone call, which I ignored as well. This was at 11:35 last night. She did not leave a message.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you are going about it correctly. I would not ignore everything, but dont be available all the time.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Hermes said:


> She did not change overnight.You saw her as you wanted to see her. She was never the person you thought she was. It is something I am struggling with realizing, as well.


this.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

She can't have it both ways! Stick to the 180 . You can do it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Today I went kiteboarding then I took the dog to the dog park. As I was driving home one of my wife's best friends calls me and asks me to meet her for coffee. So I went, then my mother in law shows up at Starbucks too. A little too coincidental in my opinion. A wellness check perhaps? Regardless we spoke, I expressed my intentions to move. I explained the only thing holding me back was my wife, her friend asked if I felt my wife was taking me into consideration at the moment. I replied, I seriously don't know; she went on to explain my wife's loyalties to me and how she respects our marriage. I explained that I appreciate that, however I've done the same. I have not dated or slept with anyone other than her for the last 7 years, I would expect the same as long as we are married. I think she is sending her friends and family to find out what I'm doing and where I've been. I still haven't spoken to her and I probably won't. I figure at this point I've said all I can say, she knows the truth about the email and my past addiction with pain medications, and she also knows where I stand and my intentions lay as well as that I love her. When she is ready to talk she will talk. I remembered the term 7 year itch... I guess this is a classic example; not quite as dramatic as the movie, however it has been an emotional roller coaster. I came home and unwrapped the Christmas Tree I bought for her. I put on the lights and snapped a picture and sent it via text. No words, just a picture. In response she sent me a text that the tree needs ornaments. I haven't responded, nor do I think I will. I feel sad and angry at the same time. I'm angry at her for giving me no choices and leaving under these terms. I'm sad because I wasn't receptive to whatever she was feeling that got us to where we are at, it was partially me, partially the medications I was on. Ultimately I made the mistakes that got us to this point and now that I see that, I'm angry at myself as well. I made a promise to myself and g-d that I will become a better person. That I will learn and grow, that I will move forward and live for today and tomorrow. I will become financially more responsible, less impulsive & wreckless. I will look into the mirror each day and be honest with myself. The truth hurts sometimes, especially when you have no one to blame but yourself. I promised myself from now on I will do my very best to do better for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I am all for taking responsibility for your actions but she needs to take the responsibility for her actions as well. There are two people in a marriage and two people have to work at it everyday to make something great. But the fact is most people don't put in enough effort. She needs to put her big girl panties on and decide what she wants. Her friends and family should really stay out of it and let you guys work through this alone. I hope they are not giving u false hope.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Lee101981, I agree wholeheartedly! I aslo beleive whatever is going to happen is going to happen, I finally have accepted where I am at and what has happened. I have very little control over this situation, therefore I am leaving it up to the will of G-d at this point. I've done all I can do to express how I feel and show my wife that I love her. Don't get me wrong, if there was something else I could do, I'd be willing to give it a try. I would do whatever it takes to have our marriage work and I am dedicated to doing whatever is necessary for that to happen. I've also come to the conclusion that worrying and making myself miserable is not going to solve my marital issues either. The only true control I have in any situation is over my own actions and decisions, to think anything else would be foolish and delusional.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

you were doing great. until the christmas tree. but this is an art and not a science. keep making bad paintings until your masterpiece comes along. keep your ears, Van Gogh.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Orpheus.... LMAO, you are quite an intelligent chap. I read back through this now and I see the light...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Walk away Wife Syndrome... Wow, this hits it to the tee. How could I have been so oblivious??? I now look back and see it, as it all played out. Great reading, great insight, wish my wife would read Divorce Busting. Perhaps, that shall be her Christmas present this year?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

U read the whole book in one sitting?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Lee, Yes, I have a really hard time sleeping at night. Lack of sex, anxiety, can't get my mind to stop racing at all, regardless of what I do I only sleep a few hours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Me too! I sleep about 4 hours and that is it. I am scared to take anything while I have the girls here which is most of the time. I am really hoping the new year is a lot better then this one. I was actually invites to a New Years party, and really not sure weather to go or not. Who wants to be the one wearing a wedding ring at a party with no spouse and no one to kiss at midnight? I am just not so sure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I agree with you about the New Year however my wife made the wedding band issue easy. She first complained about hers, (it wasn't nice enough) which was crappy to begin with, it's what it represents that's truly important in my opinion. When she stopped wearing hers that was the slap in the face I needed to remove mine. I wore my wedding band proudly up until that moment. I probably still would be wearing it had she not removed hers. Out of respect to myself, my wife and the sanctity of marriage I have not dated or slept with anyone else, the opportunities have been there, however I could never forgive myself if we are able to salvage our marriage. Regardless, I would go to the party, ditch the ring (to avoid embarrassing or unwanted conversations), and have a good time. Who says you have to kiss someone at New Years anyways, and on the off chance maybe you'll meet someone and want to kiss them? No matter what life moves forward, you can't go backwards, trust me I've tried  it's hard, however we need to live for ourselves. Ask yourself, is he is considering you at the moment? This same question was posed to me yesterday by my wife's best friend. I answered it I don't know, however after another night of soul searching, I don't think my wife has considered me one iota, when it boils down to the bottom dollar. If she did or was, I feel we wouldn't be in this situation right now. It's time to start moving on, not saying I'm closing the door to her, or that you should do the same, what I'm getting at is you need to do what makes YOU happy, because this obviously isn't his priority anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

since the split, i've not gone to parties that we've both been invited to. and even gone so far as to tell one set of friends that they are going to have to decide because i've drawn a line.

lee, you could go out on NYEve and head for home before midnight.

Lack of sleep is pretty normal at the beginning. You're processing trauma. It does eventually get better. Which is cold comfort in the heat of things.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

He was not invited to the party! I know this is shallow but I have never been with anyone other than my husband! I am not ready for another relationship. I am not ready to involve another man in my girls lives. My husband has never taken off his ring not once.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Orpheus, same here. It was one of our close friend's Birthday parties. I didn't feel comfortable going. It was in the first week that she left. I ended up breaking down and calling her crying, asking her to come home. She was cold, cruel, heartless and screamed she wanted a divorce. I honestly couldn't comprehend how the love of my life could talk to me this way. I knew she was angry, and perhaps she didn't know the truth about the email she read at this point, however I was wounded so badly, and like an idiot I kept opening myself up to her over and over again, expressing my feelings, exposing myself, making myself vulnerable. Almost every time she would do the same thing. I've finally come to the point where I know she is aware of the truth. She knows where I stand and how I feel. There is nothing more I can say, and other than be patient I don't think there is much I can do other than what I can do to make my life better and easier.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Lee All I'm getting at; is that you need to make yourself happy for now. Just like you told me, "it takes two", no matter what you do, if the effort or desire isn't there on his end then you should focus your energy into primarily yourself and then your daughters happiness. If you are not happy, how can you make anyone else happy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Great idea, for some reason the thought of leaving early did not accrue to me. Just need to see who's weekend that falls on and if it is mine I will get me a sitter! Wow kind of scary/ excited!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

You are very true just scared I guess! It is a very fine line to walk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

Lee- I just went to a Christmas party alone this past Friday that we were both invited to. Didn't say much as to why STBXW wasn't there and frankly no one really cared. Hafd the battle here is "suiting up and showing up". If you're invited, I say force yourself and go with no expectations.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Most of the people there will not know what is going on, just a few. I will only know a couple of people there anyway. I am sure I will just be a ball of nerves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

I just stayed for a while and made a "cameo appearance" and scooted out to pick up the kids from a school event. However, I was hit up to be VP of the PTO if I was interested by the former president who was there. You never know what could happen. If you have no expectations, you can't be disappointed.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

First party! Just alittle uneasy about the whole thing not that I have never gone out without my husband just different with so many things in the air you know? I always have expectations for some reason. Don't know how not to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Sometimes I am so disgusted by the cowardly behaviors my wife has shown me by backing me into a corner and giving me no choices. I was never abusive, yet she acts like a frightened child, a little girl hiding from reality. I am now angry over the way she has treated me, ignored me, falsely accused me, verbally attacked me, and spoken to me over the last 37 days. She betrayed me in the worst possible way, she has betrayed my trust, and broken my heart. She wipes her ass with my love and hands it back to me with a huge smile afterwards. I almost wish there was another man / woman / anything. At least then things would make sense! She never mentioned anything about being so unhappy in the past, yet now I make satan seem like the tooth fairy? Why? Because I'm Jewish, or was it because her ring came from Cartier instead of Harry Winston's, or maybe it was because I have to pay child support for my daughter? These are the samples of the many BS excuses I've heard so far!!! There was never once a conversation about either of us wanting out of our marriage or that we were mot on the same page with regards to our goals. However now she tells me that she is not in love with me and does not have feelings for me, that she was very unhappy for a very long time, even though we had great sex a few days prior? I have never allowed anyone to treat me like that, I should be smiling without even entertaining a thought of allowing her back into my life. I should be grateful she is gone!!! She told me I brought her down, not up? I paid for everything!!! I gave her everything I had!!! Yet, I'm still here, waiting for her, I still love her, I worry about her, I miss her, and still it hurts so bad.I feel like I am going crazy; I need to be checked into the loony bin??? I must be a masochist to keep enduring this crap. I wonder if she really means those things or was it pot shots in order to appease her anger and frustrations. In 7 years we NEVER. spoke to each other like that!!! I haven't called her for four days and I want to so badly, yet I know there is no point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

What has happened that has gotten u so upset? Are u just riding the rollar coaster? I am glad that u are reaching out to us on the forum. Trust me I know things seem dark right now but the light will shine threw. You need to work on you! Focus on you and the things that u can control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Lee, I know these things, and I have been. Today was rather slow at my office so I started snooping through the phone bills for a clue; there was none. Then I read and re-read my posts. I starting thinking about what BS this is. Who is this person that I married? 7 years and this is the way I was treated? What made her think this is an acceptable or ok way to handle this? The more that sat with me the more I stewed. I started feeling angry and resentful. I allowed her to hurt me so badly. It's easier for me to write things here and let them out. I needed an outlet, I needed to get that out of my head, I don't want to be angry. I want back the love we shared and cherished. I hope that makes sense?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I agree with everything you are saying completely. The hardest part of the day for me is trying to get my brain to shut off when it is time to go to sleep. During the day the girls keep me busy but at night when I lay down alone and the girls are sleeping my mind starts racing. I believe that my spouse is being selfish and not thinking about our girls or me for that matter. Tonight my 4 year old was crying on the phone to her dad saying I miss you and want you to come home and he says I know I miss you too. So now what am I going to get blamed for that too? I am trying to be the best mom I can and do right by my girls. But part of me would love for him to show up and tell me he is ready to come home and work on our marriage! I want my husband back, not this person he has become.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

bryane said:


> Lee, I know these things, and I have been. Today was rather slow at my office so I started snooping through the phone bills for a clue. Then I read and re-read my posts. I starting thinking about what BS this is. Who is this person that I married? 7 years and this is the way I was treated? What made her think this is an acceptable or ok way to handle this? The more that sat with me the more I stewed. I started feeling angry and resentful. I allowed her to hurt me so badly. It's easier for me to write things here and let them out. I needed an outlet, I needed to get that out of my head, I don't want to be angry. I want back the love we shared and cherished. I hope that makes sense?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Yup...I can relate...pisses me off when I stop and think about how he's handling it also...not ONE fkn phone call...won't take calls..no more financial help...no communication...as If he 'deleted' me altogther...after how I took care of his needs...after all the abuse I endured. I'm not even worthy of a decent 'break up'...yea...it pisses me off too...really fks with ones head yanno. What right do they have? Who died and made them God of narcissism...etc...wtf...

I'm pissed as hell...and this 'time' sht ain't working for me so well... i hate the 180..i'm doing it...yea...but 'he' wrote it..'he' implemented in 'in' our marriage....this is a cake walk for him. 

He lives with his parents for fks sake who 'taught' him this behavior! 

Ya...i'm tempted to see if he cut his tie with his phone with me...and/or look at the bill but I can't ...I won't... what difference will it make? He's left me either way...how he spends his time...I can't control it. I can't change it. So 'looking' won't change the outcome...so I won't. And again...he prolly went and got a new phone/line... I don't know..it's what he wanted so he prolly did it. 

Good for him. 

Yea...resentful is right. _Angry is right. _


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

That is exactly how I feel too. I don't have children, however when I'm at work I have to deal with people so today no clients equals too much free time. When I'm alone and have nothing that I am forced with to occupy my mind I start to obsess about the situation. I know this is bad for me, I usually try to fill my time with something I enjoy doing, or that makes me happy, howeve being stuck at my office with nothing to do makes it difficult to do either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

bryane said:


> That is exactly how I feel too. I don't have children, however when I'm at work I have to deal with people so today no clients equals too much free time. When I'm alone and have nothing that I am forced with to occupy my mind I start to obsess about the situation. I know this is bad for me, I usually try to fill my time with something I enjoy doing, or that makes me happy, howeve being stuck at my office with nothing to do makes it difficult to do either.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


yeap...

filling in the gaps with all that 'free time' is painful for me too.. 

I hate that fktard...i'd like to stab him in the d*k with a pitchfork. :FIREdevil:


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Any luck finding a new place. I have not spoken to h in 5 days except to speak about the girls and I bet he does not even notice! I can't wait for the day that I am able to completely let go! That day will not come soon enough for me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Stella Moon- wow remind me not to piss u off


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Stella, but it still hurts? You still miss him? You still love him and probably take him back in a second? Please tell me I'm not crazy for wanting to save my marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Stella OUCH!!! lmao how long were you married?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Lee, not yet, I've narrowed it down, however since I work solely on a commission basis and last month wasn't too kind due to me allowing the situation to overtake my life and consume every moment of every waking hour for the first 3 weeks. I need to save a little more money.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

What is crazy is not trying to save your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Lee, the whole situation and the present circumstances. The emotional betrayal alone is enough for any lucid person to think so; I could imagine?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

not long...that's whats worse...

marriage lasted just over 2yrs...we were together for about 3yrs...


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Stella, the feelings are the same regardless if you love them for a day, a week, a year, or decades. I believe the healing process is just quicker / easier. Regardless, don't go Lorena Bobbitt on him; you might end up regretting it later 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I was taught to fight for what u want! I have been with this man for 11 year total and married for 10. He has given me two beautiful girls and I am not giving up without a fight! There will come a day when they are going to come to me for answers and I will be able to tell them that I did everything in my power to save our marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Lee, it's so funny that we share the same sentiments. I must be insane however I honestly believe some day she is going to thank me for not giving up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Some of us were raised right!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> I was taught to fight for what u want! I have been with this man for 11 year total and married for 10. He has given me two beautiful girls and I am not giving up without a fight! There will come a day when they are going to come to me for answers and I will be able to tell them that I did everything in my power to save our marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's the thing...

for me...that's all I did was 'fight' for us...every couseling appt. every chase when he ran away...all the 'sorrys' I didn't mean..all the turning the other cheek when he was mean...all the rug sweeping...all the going to his parents and begging them to stop enabling their 40yr old son to run away...

"I" fought for us...the whole time..."I" fought..."He" ran..."he" did what "he" wanted when "he" wanted too..."he" abandoned me so many times on so many damn levels it's unreal. 

I loved this guy... and I had an addiction problem. "him"... pathetic and sad....but true. I read about it in one of the books I came across... I relied on him to define who I was...or wasn't... sht...I dunno...yea...I fought...I was the only fighter...and I lost to all 'three' of them...

him...his mother...and his fkd up dad. I lost my marriage. I could not compete with his parents who condoned his run away tactics...his dad...his dad..belittles his mom...walked out of the room to another part of the house...or to his building (man cave) ...that's where my stbxh learned his behavior from...

yea...I need two pitchforks... :FIREdevil:


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Stella, everything you've described I've been guilty of with my wife in the past with the exception of running away to my Mommy and Daddy's home. I've walked away from arguments or discussions, however I did this to think about the situation and a resolution in lieu of saying something or doing something I'd later regret. I've made belittling comments in the heat of an argument, not because I meant them, I said them out of anger and frustration, my wife defines who I am in many regards, even today, as I'm sure I've done the same for her. This is what happens when you are married. I believe it is how one perceives the actions and there true motives / intentions? I know it easy to be angry, and this situation is the cause of the most unbearable pain I've experienced. It is ultimately up to us how we choose to deal with it. I'd much rather be the one that took the higher road so to speak. When you do things in life from the heart you rarely can go wrong. Anger has never won me happiness in the bigger picture.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Well said!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Thank you!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I am growing inpatient ! I either want to work on my marriage or hear that it is over! I am tired of sitting on the fence even though I have started the 180. Deep down I want him to want to come home and work on things. I want that more then anything. I don't think the walk away spouse deserves all this time either you want to work on it or you don't it is black or white but h see it in color!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

bryane said:


> my wife defines who I am in many regards, even today, as I'm sure I've done the same for her. This is what happens when you are married.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


the only thing your wife defines is how codependant you are. this is what happens when you're in a *bad* marriage.

your partner should buy the property next to yours but when you start moving the fence around is when things go bad for both parties in a relationship.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Orpheus,

On this point I'd have to disagree. When you learn and grow together you naturally start to define each others behaviors through mutual experiences. This is NOT codependency or indicative of a bad marriage. It's quite the contrary.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Lee, you have no other choice then to be patient. The more you force the more resistance you are getting at the moment. Continue focussing on yourself, if it is meant to be it will happen. He needs to come to these conclusions on his own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I am trying. I am just ready for a job, and for my husband to see what is in front of him and what he has to loose.

I am going to start thinking about my new years resolutions.

1. Job
2. Lose 20 pounds
3. Sign up for soccer this year- hot texas summer
4. Fix up my back patio- lights and netting and recover


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

bryane said:


> When you learn and grow together you naturally start to define each others behaviors through mutual experiences. This is NOT codependency or indicative of a bad marriage. It's quite the contrary.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


incorrect. your partner informs you. if you let your partner define you then you've already lost. read De Mello. this is part of the core of what you need to get to. it probably speaks to your controlling nature. you'll get there.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Father Anthony De Mello?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Perhaps defines me is a poor choice of words, influences might be a better choice, regardless I'll read whatever you might consider of value to me. I beleive we on the same page.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

check the links in my sig. There's a De Mello book there.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

So tired of hurting and being mad and hurt. H comes over and walks into the house and started his laundry and did not say one word to me till he was about to leave. And he wonders why it feels weird between us. I asked about his finals and that was it. I am tired of trying and getting no where, but i dont know how to stop trying though. I am sick of it.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Lee, why does he find it acceptable to come over and do laundry? Why would you let him? That type of behavior is wrong on so many levels. He left, so why should he get to come and USE anything including you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

In the beginning we were trying to save money while paying for two homes. I am so mad at myself. I am tired of feeling hurt and betrayed. I am tired of crying and being alone. 10 years is a long time and I don't know how to let go. Truth be told I am scared to move on, I am scared to date, not that I am even anywhere ready.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I'm getting very frustrated as well. I want to get on with my life, this situation is just holding me back from moving forward with my life. I'm not happy where I am at and this is making me feel emotions that cause way too much pain to constantly bare. I'm getting to the point where I feel that if she wanted to be married to me, then she would put her big girl panties on and make that decision and act like it. Her leaving without any real attempts to communicate about the situation have taken an emotional, physical, and mental toll on me. The way she left, with no clear terms or intentions was wrong. She didn't even attempt to talk to me or try to make our marriage work. It's been 38 days since she left. We haven't spoken a word since Saturday and trust me when I say that her words were not kind. I don't want to be with anyone else although I don't want to be alone anymore either. I know I loved someone that resembles her duplicate physically however I can't for the life of me figure out what happened to that person I cared for so deeply and loved. I don't think she cares about me or what I thought we shared anymore. I crave intimacy and emotional support. None of my needs or desires are being met. What am I really getting out of this anymore? Why can't she make a damn decision, what is holding her back, why can't she come home and be happy with me? Why did she push me into this state of limbo against all my better beliefs, feelings and convictions? This was something neither of us believed in or wanted from our marriage from the moment we met til the day that she left.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I whole heartily agree. I know this is so shallow but part of me thinks (who want to get involved with a women with two kids). Thank goodness I can't have anymore!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Anyone with any true quality that wants to be with you would. Your children are part of you, therefore any man that wants to be with you will love and accept your children as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Once again I agree but the thought still crosses my mind! I am ready to either work on marriage or move on. I dont want to sit on the fence anymore. I want to be happy even if it is alone, not that I want to be alone. I miss male companionship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> Once again I agree but the thought still crosses my mind! I am ready to either work on marriage or move on. I dont want to sit on the fence anymore. I want to be happy even if it is alone, not that I want to be alone. *I miss male companionship.*_Posted via Mobile Device_


me too


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> So tired of hurting and being mad and hurt. H comes over and walks into the house and started his laundry and did not say one word to me till he was about to leave. And he wonders why it feels weird between us. I asked about his finals and that was it. I am tired of trying and getting no where, but i dont know how to stop trying though. I am sick of it.




_wtf..._


why is he coming over to do laundry? why is he 'hanging out' at your house? why aren't the locks changed? what the hell? wow..,.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I understand completely, I know if I feel this way my wife must as well. Which only cements in my mind that if she wanted to work it out she would be here. I don't know how much more time she could need. How much more time do I wait? I first told myself I'll give her a week, then a month, now i'm telling myself I'll wait till Christmas or New Years. I don't want to be the one that gave up, not that there is a winner or looser in this and I know that as long as we are married, I won't break my vows, however I'm starting to question what in fact is a marriage without one's spouse?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

We were conserving our money due to the fact that I got laid off and had two separate homes to pay for. He comes over on Tuesdays and Sundays to see the girls. Did not think to ask for keys and garage opener. I honestly and stupidly thought he would be back <--- Dumb a$$
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I cant and won't be able to look my daughters in the eye if I give up! I have to do everything in my power till I guess I reach my breaking point which is getting closer by the day!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

LoL @ dumb a$$... I think we all feel that way about ourselves in this type of situation at times. I've beaten myself up over and over when I've already come to the conclusion that it's not me that wanted to be separated; especially under the completely ridiculous "excuse", that she claimed we were not worth fixing or wasting the time to attempt to fix because she had already tried. (Where was I when she tried?) I never even knew we were that broken to begin with. We had our fair share of problems, but nothing worth getting divorced or separated over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> We were conserving our money due to the fact that I got laid off and had two separate homes to pay for. He comes over on Tuesdays and Sundays to see the girls. Did not think to ask for keys and garage opener. I honestly and stupidly thought he would be back <--- Dumb a$$
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your not a dumb a$$ and don't put yourself down again. But you need to set some boundries and letting him come and go as he pleases is NOT working on your marriage...it's letting him live off campus yet do what he wants...

no.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Stella, I agree 100% I couldn't have worded it better myself. It's almost like he has no respect for her or there marriage at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

bryane said:


> Stella, I agree 100% I couldn't have worded it better myself. It's almost like he has no respect for her or there marriage at all.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


...and he's not going too...why should he? There's no boundries...she sets 'none'...if she doesn't respect herself...why should he? Hasn't that been part of the problem after all? :scratchhead:


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I have given this a lot of thought and I plan in setting to boundaries and I am moving on with my life. I have two daughters that need my attention and I have a few things that I want to do for me. There is nothing more that I can do. The ball is in his court. I just hope I am still around when he is ready. I will not wait forever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I received this text this morning, I'm not sure what to make of it or whether to even bother answering;

Good morning. I hope all is well. I just want to remind you to please pay $115 for AT&T otherwise they will disconnect our phones tomorrow. Thank you. Also, if you would like to meet for lunch on Friday let me know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

Well I would pay the bill. Also, if she hasn't spoken to you since Saturday, it does seem like she's reaching out to you. I would advise going on Friday to hear what she has to say. It may provide guidance for your next step.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Did you guys divide the bills before she left? I would go to lunch and see what she has to say but I wonder why lunch so you will be around people?


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I'm sick of the damn texts messages. She knows this. Should I wait a while before responding?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Do you want to go to lunch? If you wait to long she might make other plans. If you dont like text message then call and tell her that you are available for lunch. I know this is easier said then done but try not to get your hopes up. I know I would either way but that is my fault I will always have hope till the papers are signed..


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I'm not sure if I want to go, I feel really apprehensive, I know that I want to make my marriage work however I've been hurt by this woman so badly, I am scared. Lunch seems odd and out character to me, it seems strange. Like I'm being set up for something. My hope feels worse for some reason, not better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Makes me wonder what she has up her sleeve? Why in public?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

She's probably having me served or telling me she had an affair??? Either way a public place would make sense if that were her intentions. I could hope it's for sex although we haven't done that in years (sex in a public place for lunch that is)...I sent her a text back saying okay about 10 minutes ago. I'm not sure, however I'll try not to expect the worst and be open. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Is it sad that I would be so excited if my husband called and invited me to lunch. I really don't know what to say but I am praying for you! I really would like to read some good news.
Sex would make things worse at this point.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

No, I don't think it is sad, I have been hoping for this for a long time. I'm very nervous, because I am in the dark as to what her intentions are. Thank you for the prayers, I hope there is something good too.  every time I see a white BMW 528 I get excited that it's her. I know I still love her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

You have been such a great support for me! I truly hope this turns out the way you want it to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Thank you Lee, as you have for me as well! I honestly appreciate everyone here. I have had some really dark moments.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Waiting on the light to shine through!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

I'd pay the bill and respond asap that you're going to take her up on the lunch invite.

You might learn something useful.

Just play it cool and don't agree to anything or make any promises.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Today was a good day, I cleaned my closet and got rid of some clothes and but some close on h side. Cleaned out both girls closet so we can donate the clothes ended up donating 3 trash bags full of clothes. Took the girls to the library to get new bedtime books. I have a few more presents to wrap and I am done! Come on light please shine down on me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

So I called her a few minutes ago after thinking about it all day. I wanted to actually talk to her and figured it would be better if I waited till after she left work so there wouldn't be any distractions. She didn't answer however I left a message stating that I was doing well, that I already was planning on paying the bill, although thank you for the reminder. I also stated that I'd meet her for lunch on Friday and she could give me a call. I'm not quite sure how to make out the fact that she didn't answer. I struggled all day with whether I should even call. It was rather disappointing that she didn't answer. Now I feel even more confused.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

It's like you know they have there phone they see it ringing and they see it is you and decide not to pick up! Really just makes me mad. H would rather text them talk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Me too, I don't get it??? Why do they think it is acceptable to text , however they can't answer the phone. Must be a false sense of control they get out of texting. Anyways, she just called me back. I'm still not sure what to think of things, she is very angry still. I asked her what her intentions are and she blew the question off. She started getting b1tchy and disrespectful, I told her that it wasn't acceptable to talk to me like that and she complained that I didn't listen or care in the past, and that I had inappropriate conversations with my Daughter's Mother. She didn't like that I told my daughter's Mother about "our business", whatever that was supposed to mean I'm not quite sure. I did listen and I did care, maybe I didn't show it properly, however I'm willing to learn. There seems to be major trust issues on both sides at the moment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I lost my good day! Why is it he can do this!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Lee, what happened?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I ask h to come over and he said not tonight, I told him it was important to and he still says no. I did not tell him what for but it was because I wanted up to talk to our oldest daughter about something's she has said and I wanted to create a united front and it just went south. I am tried of this sh*ty person who has taken over! My old husband has my heart and I am tired of this turmoil going on! I miss my partner and my lover and my friend. Just emotionally done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> I ask h to come over and he said not tonight, I told him it was important to and he still says no. I did not tell him what for but it was because I wanted up to talk to our oldest daughter about something's she has said and I wanted to create a united front and it just went south. I am tried of this sh*ty person who has taken over! My old husband has my heart and I am tired of this turmoil going on! I miss my partner and my lover and my friend. Just emotionally done.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When your truly done...

start doing the 180. You won't have to put up with the responses your getting anymore...I'm tellin' ya lee...


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I went to his house last Thursday and blasted him spoke a few words on Tuesday and today but was about the kids
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Lee, the moment I let go, handed the situation to god, and started doing the 180 life has became easier. I want my wife in my life however I don't need her. The minute I accepted that, I was able to start growing as a person. The fact I am willing to work on our marriage and want her back in my life as well as desire to share my life with her tells me that the love is still there. Whatever you choose to do, you can't let him control or dictate your happiness. This needs to come from within you. This has been a struggle for me as well, however I've come to realize that I am a strong, intelligent, compassionate person. I deserve better than the treatment I received regardless of my transgressions. I've also come to the conclusion that I ultimately have only control over myself, not her or how she chooses to interact with me. I felt like I was talking to a frightened angry child today. Not a rational adult who is someone in control of there life. I wanted to comfort her, however she is too angry still. I don't even think she knows exactly what she is so angry about. It's very sad to me that she allowed herself to get this way. Just like I hid from reality by abusing my prescriptions, she is hiding from reality by internalizing everything. It really does take two to make it work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I know you are right but it is dang hard to cut someone out of your life that has been there everyday for 10 years. He calls twice a day to talk to the girls and comes over to see the girls, it is just so easy to slip right back in. I can't fathom how someone can just check out in a marriage I was not raised that way. I made a commitment and that means something to me.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I don't get WTF is going on??? My wife has been cordiall called last night and even sounded like the person I love and know. Then texted me a few times this morning. She is off today, I'm leaving my office early so I invited her to go with me to have a glass of wine and take the dog for a walk. She blew me off to lay out at the pool and go to the gym. She says she'll see me tomorrow??? I don't know what she has planned however I feel like she is playing games with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Just does not sound good to me. She wants to meet in public and does not want to see you the day before? Not really sure what to think of that. Did you respond to her texts this morning?:scratchhead:


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Yes, it seemed almost like a normal conversation. I am undecided about tomorrow, I almost think I should back out of lunch and just enjoy my day. Too many variables left unknown, I dont like this whole approach she is taking, it makes me feel really uncomfortable. She obviously wants to control the situation....it's very odd. If she takes this as an opportunity to try and hurt me more, or be angry and abusive, I'd be very disappointed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

bryane said:


> Yes, it seemed almost like a normal conversation. I am undecided about tomorrow, I almost think I should back out of lunch and just enjoy my day. Too many variables left unknown, I dont like this whole approach she is taking, it makes me feel really uncomfortable. She obviously wants to control the situation....it's very odd. If she takes this as an opportunity to try and hurt me more, or be angry and abusive, I'd be very disappointed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are going with expectations. It is hard but you cant have that. go in with out expectations of anything happening. Just lunch. Plan for the worse. That way you are not disappointed when (and it most likely) it does not go the way you arw hoping.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Hermes.... Yes, I am going with the expectation of either getting divorced or figuring this out. I almost at my breaking point. I'm sick of the indecisiveness. Her Mother came by last night, we had a long heart to heart conversation until 1:00 am. She told me that she told her daughter that she belongs with me and that she needs to go home, that she needs to talk to me amongst other things. She said that her daughter knows I am intelligent, caring, and that I lover her. They apparently got into a huge argument about it and haven't been speaking much. She asked how I could trust her daughter again since she has done this. I said that I checked out of the marriage when I started abusing my medications and that if she could forgive me I could forgive her. After 7 years 40 days is not that much time. I said that we need to work on be open with each other and I really don't know when and why things broke down, however I am not going to be the one that gave up or did something out of anger that I'd later regret. She told me that I was a very good man and that she sees her daughter hurting and she knows that together we are happy. She feels that she is unhappy with herself and where her life is at and blaming it on me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

What sucs is my in laws are the best I could not ask for better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

My Mother in law is a wonderful woman and has always been there for us as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

bryane said:


> Hermes.... Yes, I am going with the expectation of either getting divorced or figuring this out. I almost at my breaking point. I'm sick of the indecisiveness. Her Mother came by last night, we had a long heart to heart conversation until 1:00 am. She told me that she told her daughter that she belongs with me and that she needs to go home, that she needs to talk to me amongst other things. She said that her daughter knows I am intelligent, caring, and that I lover her. They apparently got into a huge argument about it and haven't been speaking much. She asked how I could trust her daughter again since she has done this. I said that I checked out of the marriage when I started abusing my medications and that if she could forgive me I could forgive her. After 7 years 40 days is not that much time. I said that we need to work on be open with each other and I really don't know when and why things broke down, however I am not going to be the one that gave up or did something out of anger that I'd later regret. She told me that I was a very good man and that she sees her daughter hurting and she knows that together we are happy. She feels that she is unhappy with herself and where her life is at and blaming it on me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My mother in law said the same things. You see how that turned out. My ex is still fighting with her mom about it.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I don't see what the purpose of meeting is for unless she has come to a decision of sorts?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I started preparing myself for the worst and now all of the sudden I feel really depressed, I don't feel like doing anything except going home and sleeping, except I am stuck at the dentist. I am so worried and confused about tomorrow, all of the anxiety seems to be rushing back, she has to know how waiting without any idea of what to expect is making me feel. Last night when she called I wanted to tell her to come home and how much I missed her... However I stuck to the rules and kept my mouth shut, I wonder if that was a mistake.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

yes. you made yourself miserable. when you stop doing that you'll start to feel better. so stop doing it.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I love going to the dentist
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Yes, that was a mistake by not saying anything??? I'm confusedededed
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

reread your last 48 hours. let me know if you think that's consistant with either 180 or the man you want to be?


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Then I did the right thing....I need to stop overanaylizing and stop questioning myself. Thank you, I needed that, suddenly I feel better again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I decided to take the dog down to Limcoln Rd for our Thursday night walk, and glass of wine after all. All night I've been struggling with my feelings then I realized like an epiphany that these things are her losses, and they shouldn't make me feel bad, even if I am terribly disappointed. As I enjoy a glass a wine and people watch here in the heart of South Beach, I can't help but reminisce as I see happy couples and families. What went so wrong? How did I end up in this situation? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I has to call my husband tonight my oldest daughter had a temp of 102.9 so I called to see if he could come over and watch the 4 year old and my house cause I had a fire going. He came right over and stayed till I got home at 10:00 found him asleep in the chair with my 4 year old. It was all I could do not to bust into tears. When he got up to go he just kind of stood there like now what and I said thanks for coming and turned off my Christmas lights and he left. It was so hard. It hurts. Yea we got the flu !!!!! Lucky me!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Hey Lee it's alright, I understand, my wife started blasting me by text out of the blue tonight very angry, and hostile, for no apparent reason. She told me that her mother, me, and our dog are not her family. If we are not, then who is? I'm so sad that I can't get through to her. Her Mother is sad, because she can't get through to her. The dog even misses her, She has put up such a wall, and nobody knows why or how to get throu to her.. I ended up calling her, and then her mother just to make sure she was alright. She goes I don't want to talk about our marriage now. I said neither do I. I just wanted to make sure you are safe and alright. This is really sad, I don't know what provoked this exactly, however she assumes that I should know. I told her she is my wife and my best friend and I wouldn't be the one that gave up, or stopped trying. If she wants to do that, its on her. I expressed to her that she needs to get help. I explained to her that I've been reading many books, sought out support, and even started to see a therapist to help me with saving our family. I explained to her that nothing that makes her happy or feel good over the long term is going to come from anger. That true happiness in my experience comes from ones heart. I told her I'm not sure if I am still coming tomorrow because I don't believe she is ready yet. She thanked me after a lot of subterfuge about her pillow and then told me she understands if I don't come tomorrow. WTF??? I wish I new how to break through this wall she has put up. Where is all this anger and hurt coming from???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I know that I can raise these two girls on my own. He left our home in August. He checked out. I have all these feelings for him that range anywhere from almost hate to love. I sometimes feel stupid for waiting on the man I fell In love with to return. I am tired of being in limbo. I enjoy being in a relationship, our relationship. I don't want to be the one that gave up but I don't want to wait around forever either and miss out on someone who wants to be with me. The thought of not wearing my wedding rings hurts i have wore them for 10 years. I have invested so much into this life that we wanted together just feels like he changed his mind. I want this pain inside to go away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Lee it's going to be alright.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Bryane, I am scared that he won't want to fix this and I really will hate him for being a coward. If he does not fight, I will want nothin to do with him. I will not even want to lay eyes on him. That hurts me cause I know it will hurt my girls.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I understand, I've benn struggling with the same emotions. My wife seeks out people and situations that enable her to hide from reality. I don't know what else I can do other than leave her alone for right now. Her thinking is clouded by anger. It's so sad to see someone you love do this to themselves and the people that really love them, but these are their choices. You can only live for yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

What really hurts is I thought we were going to give our girls something that we never had, a family where mom and dad stayed together without divorce. I feel like I failed them as a mother and it hurts!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

bryane said:


> I understand, I've benn struggling with the same emotions. My wife seeks out people and situations that enable her to hide from reality. I don't know what else I can do other than leave her alone for right now. Her thinking is clouded by anger. It's so sad to see someone you love do this to themselves and the people that really love them, but these are their choices. You can only live for yourself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You can only live with your choices. Exactly. 

Your wife is doing exactly what most of our WW's do. She is only thinking about herself. Her thinking is not clouded by anger though. Her thinking is clouded by her own perception of what happened. If I tell myself the earth is flat over and over and over again for years on end, eventually, I will believe the BS line that I fed myself and it will become my reality. 

Obviously, you are not perfect. I am not perfect. No one is. However, you have taken the first step to improving yourself. You just need to keep at it. 



lee101981 said:


> What really hurts is I thought we were going to give our girls something that we never had, a family where mom and dad stayed together without divorce. I feel like I failed them as a mother and it hurts!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Think about this. Perception is reality. If you constantly think and feel you are a failure, you will start to believe it and it will become true and apparent to others, including your girls. 

What you need to realize is that you have put the effort into repairing this marriage. Has he? You are both at fault for the decline and collapse of the marriage. You are both fighting for the victim chair. No one can win that fight. You just delay any healing by doing that. You can not control others. Let him make his decisions and you focus on you and your girls. 

How old are your girls?


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

7 and 4
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> 7 and 4
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is hard with kids that age. The 4 year old, most likely will not remember this years from now. Will probably not remember what "Mommy and Daddy" were like together (if things do not work out). The 7 year old, will unfortunately. 

All i can say is be the best mother you can be. Realize this is not just your fault and in no way shows failure on you. Do not let this situation define who you are. 

Your girls need to see a strong female role for them right now. You need to be the stable rock they need during this time. It hurts, it sucks, but you will get through it. 

If you have not read these, I highly recommend them (even just for insight):

Awakening: Conversations with the Masters: Anthony De Mello: 9780385509954: Amazon.com: Books

An Overview of the Drama Triangle


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I agree completely !!! It just sucks to here my girls hurting for there dad and I can't do anything to being him back. Yesterday my 7 year old said just tell daddy you love him and he will come home. I had to tell her it is not that simple, and we have some issues to work on. I have been honest with them when they ask when he is coming home, I tell them I don't know If he is coming home. I just get stuck with the questions and the emotions and he gets to just have fun.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

It's 11:35, I haven't received a phone call as to where I am supposed to meet my wife for lunch, and even if I did, I don't believe she is ready to talk after last nights episode. I am disappointed, I was really hoping that she was ready and wanted to communicate. I believed for a moment that she was ready fo start working on our marriage and start moving forward again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

bryane said:


> It's 11:35, I haven't received a phone call as to where I am supposed to meet my wife for lunch, and even if I did, I don't believe she is ready to talk after last nights episode. I am disappointed, I was really hoping that she was ready and wanted to communicate. I believed for a moment that she was ready fo start working on our marriage and start moving forward again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She seems lost and confused! I am sorry that you are disappointed. We will always have hope till the papers show up! We were brought up that way and nothing is going to change that. Go grab a bite to eat and reflect on yourself and the things you want to work on. You have been doing so well so please don't dwell and over think things, that is where we go dark, over thinking !
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

bryane said:


> My wife seeks out people and situations that enable her to hide from reality.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


At least the two of you are still finding common ground. 



bryane said:


> I was really hoping that she was ready and wanted to communicate._Posted via Mobile Device_


Hope's only gift is misery. 

Good luck with Lunchageddon today. Get out of your expectations and try listening to her. When she's done talking then thank her for communicating openly with you; pay for the bill and then leave.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

There was no lunch, I haven't called, texted, or attempted after last nights episode. I left her with the following text last night:

I've been reading voraciously, I've been seeing a therapist to help me deal with this, I've sought out support, I've been doing everything I can to figure out how to get through to you and save our family. One thing I've come to realize is that nothing I've done out of anger has ever brought me any real happiness in life and everything, I've done from my heart has always been right and brought me happiness in the big picture. I'm not sure if I am still coming tomorrow. I don't think you are quite ready yet.

I've heard nothing since. 

Orpheus, I'm confused as to why you would say I'm hiding from reality?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Those are some good affirmations but there was zero reason to send it. You long ago told her you were working on yourself. Neither pleading nor badgering is going to help you further. And then you petulantly blow up your lunch presupposed on what she may or may not be ready about with regard to a meeting she requested.

If you want something different from your wife you're going to need to supply her with something different in return. Coming over the top and controlling all aspects of the encounter are old hat.

Keep the anger and the rage for your online friends.


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

bryane said:


> There was no lunch, I haven't called, texted, or attempted after last nights episode. I left her with the following text last night:
> 
> I've been reading voraciously, I've been seeing a therapist to help me deal with this, I've sought out support, I've been doing everything I can to figure out how to get through to you and save our family. One thing I've come to realize is that nothing I've done out of anger has ever brought me any real happiness in life and everything, I've done from my heart has always been right and brought me happiness in the big picture. I'm not sure if I am still coming tomorrow. I don't think you are quite ready yet.
> 
> ...


Ok. Now STOP explaining. She does not need to know that you have been reading, analyzing, etc. 

Take from me. I did the same crap. I explained all the things I was reading. All the changes I was making. How therapy was, etc. You know what you are doing? You are setting your self up for disappointment. You are telling her these things with the (either intentional or subconscious) desire that she will see you have changed and are a better man and will come back to you. Did that work? No. 

Words are cheap. Action. 

Let her own her own chaos right now. Leave her be and work on you. 

You are not living in reality. You still see her as the person you think she was/is. 

Go read Awareness by Anthony Demello.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I started reading it however I'm currently reading 3 different books. I see what you mean though. It's always easier for someone looking in then the party involved to see the root of any issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

bryane said:


> I started reading it however I'm currently reading 3 different books. I see what you mean though. It's always easier for someone looking in then the party involved to see the root of any issue.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


absolutely. I tell you from experience on this. I did the same things. It never works. She has heard enough. Let her stew in what she has. Just focus on yourself now.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

That is one of the things that I struggle with the most. Time for me. As a parant I put my children before me all the time, I cant help it. That is somthing that I am trying to work on.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

She endded up calling me, we spoke today, (she is starting to sound more like my wife again) she agreed she is still confused and that it's probably best we didn't meet up. I beleve she realizes I've made changes in myself for the better. Her confusion lies in whether they are sincere and genuine or if I am trying to manipulate the situation. She is not sure if I am capable of living within my means. I used to be a big spender in the past; if 30k came in I spent 35k that month. I acknowledged that I screwed many things up during the last year. I didn't apologize, I've already done so many times already. The advice I've been given by many of you especially Orpheus, that actions are what is important in my situation are so dead on. She acknowledged that I am capable of doing what I set my mind to, and she knows that repairing our relationship is my intentions. This is going to take time and patience on my part, however my marriage is worth it. She is not sure about the Christmas Party we are supposed to attend in a few days, so I didn't push the issue. Meanwhile, I'm taking the dog to the bark park and catching up on some more reading....Sincerely, a great big Thank you to everyone!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Stay on target, Red 5. Both you and your wife think that you are your biggest problem. Lets find a handful of ways to pit you against yourself rather than the world and everyone comes out a winner. 

If she brings up the Xmas party again, ask her what her comfort level is and give her options. No reason she can't go to the party alone and the two of you meet for a late bite after or a quiet drink. Let her steer. You have bigger fish to fry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

This situation has forced me to either make changes in myself or loose forever what is truly important to me. I've grown expedentially as a human over the last 40 days, and I'm sure that I will continue to grow and learn because I now see things from a very different perspective. I feel like I have direction again in my life and although I am aware that I'll make more mistakes along the way, I have clear and concise goals again. Strangely, I feel like if this didn't happen now, our marriage would be doomed forever. I am not happy under the circumstances my wife left, however I'm grateful that I've had this time to evaluate myself and realize what is really important to me. I do infact love my wife very deeply and I want to grow and age together. I also miss her terribly and I am ready for her to come home, but I now understand without her leaving this process would have never taken place and we'd be even more lost. Change is only difficult because it is uncomfortable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Get out of the childish imediate mastaburtory feedback of how happy you are with results. What matters is where you go forward; not how you feel about the past. Progress is something you experience not something others feel about you. 

When you feel like you've got the bit between your teeth, b., then ride. Ride hard. But know the difference.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Orpheus, I wasn't looking for affirmation. I was expressing my thoughts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

How did your day go. Mine was crappy. Was at the ER at 3 am this morning with a sick kid with a temp of 103.9 scary.... The flu sucks. I am not in a good place right now. I am really trying to come to terms with the decision that I am goint to have to make soon.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I'm sorry that your daughter is sick, that can be rough. My day was good other than feeling slightly disappointed that I haven't heard from my wife again. I don't know what to make of it. I am starting to feel frustrated in so many ways. I'm so ready to forgive and move forward. Yesterday I felt like she was almost ready to start moving forward, however today it's back to the same sh1t. I feel so lonely at times. I feel attention starved, however the only attention I want is hers. I don't get how she could think I'm trying to manipulate the situation, why would I waste my energy? If I didn't care, after the initial shock wore off I would have graciously given up with a smile on my face and moved on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

bryane said:


> I'm sorry that your daughter is sick, that can be rough. My day was good other than feeling slightly disappointed that I haven't heard from my wife again. I don't know what to make of it. I am starting to feel frustrated in so many ways. I'm so ready to forgive and move forward. Yesterday I felt like she was almost ready to start moving forward, however today it's back to the same sh1t. I feel so lonely at times. I feel attention starved, however the only attention I want is hers. I don't get how she could think I'm trying to manipulate the situation, why would I waste my energy? If I didn't care, after the initial shock wore off I would have graciously given up with a smile on my face and moved on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just not ready yet I guess! I don't understand how they can be so uncertain of what they want. It is simple for me. Either work on it or tell you don't want to. It is really simple! I know I need to let go but not ready to I guess .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

She tells me she doesn't want to, she tells me there is too much hurt and damage. I don't believe it though, I know her too well. I would have been served divorce papers if that was the case. I feel she needed to see whether I am the loyal, honest, caring person I am or if her suspicions were in fact correct. Who knows for sure but her. Regardless as long as she is my wife, I will remain and always will be faithful, dedicated, and committed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

bryane said:


> She tells me she doesn't want to, she tells me there is too much hurt and damage. I don't believe it though, I know her too well. I would have been served divorce papers if that was the case. I feel she needed to see whether I am the loyal, honest, caring person I am or if her suspicions were in fact correct. Who knows for sure but her. Regardless as long as she is my wife, I will remain and always will be faithful, dedicated, and committed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 

Me too for now!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I'm so sick and tired of waking up in the middle of the night. I dream about the day this personal nightmare ends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

bryane said:


> I'm so sick and tired of waking up in the middle of the night. I dream about the day this personal nightmare ends.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


me too.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Stella Moon said:


> me too.


Ditto !!!!

I would love to be able to take a sleeping pill but not doable with two kids at home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Today the dog went missing for several hours. As I searched for him, I started to think maybe my wife really doesn't care, perhaps it is time to start dating other people. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, I don't know whether to go to this party or not, I know my Mother In Law wants me to go, however I don't know why. Although my wife and I spoke the day before yesterday and she sounded like herself every time a subject of any relevance or importance came up she said she didn't want to talk about it. Maybe it's time I gave up, I feel like I've imprisoned myself waiting for her and she couldn't give a crap about anything that was important to us. The thought of moving on makes me feel really depressed and sad. I don't want to make the wrong choices. Why do I feel so empty and alone?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I think it is becuase no matter what we choose it is going to be the wrong thing. I am scared that the minute I file those papers I will lose any chance of fixing our marriage. I want to fix our marriage more then anything. I am not ready to tell my children that we are getting a divorce and that there father is not coming home. I feel alone. This had been the worst year of my life and I am praying that 2013 is much better. I am scared to move on, I am scared to be with another man. I am worried about my children. I am tired of my mind racing all the time.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

A: I still don't know what emotional trauma she blames me for that was so bad that she felt it necessary to leave. The truth about the email has long since come to light.

B: I still love my wife and believe whatever the issue(s) is / are, it / they can be resolved. This seems like a huge missunderstanding of sorts to me. 

C: She is at my Mother In Law's house and there is no OM involved, or OW.... in other words there has been NO infidelity on either part as far as I am aware.

D: it has been 43 days since she left and the communication is guarded, at a distance, and sporadic at best. 

I have been giving her space. I have not initiated any forms of communication, this seems to be the best approach at present, however I don't know what to do about New Year's and Christmas. There is a small gift under the tree for her and she is aware of this. My MIL want's me to attend a party with them, however I can't fake or feign happiness to keep up pretences; I want resolution.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

bryane said:


> perhaps it is time to start dating other people.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





bryane said:


> I still love my wife and believe whatever the issue(s) is / are, it / they can be resolved.



reel it in cowboy. you're a mess and you'd be terrible for anyone else. get yourself together and don't solve your loneliness with somebody else.

from what we read here, you're in fairly frequent contact with your wife and ergo not so great about giving her space.

decide what you want and man up and do it. if you want to be the person that gives your wife space then tell her that the holidays are really more important to her than to you and you'll take her lead but that if it's loaded with expectation and too much history that the two of you can hold off on talking again until after new year's. and then wish her well. that way you get some closure on the immediate doubt and take a vacation from your anxiety.

if on the other hand you're waiting for your Nora Ephron moment then there's little useful i can help you with.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

This is a far cry from any romantic comedy I've ever enjoyed. Yes, I am lonely, I am lonely as all hell!!! I am sick of seeing happy people that are seemingly in love and are enjoying time with there families and significant others through the holidays all the while my life is in shambles and I am still not even 100% certain why or if there is light at the end of the tunnel....Yes, I am a mess at times, this has completely thrown my universe for a loop!!! 7 years we were the best of friends and we did everything together. We never remained angry at one another for more than a few hours in the past. I am rather sick of it all.

I haven't initiated any contact with her for quite some time, I respond when she initiates, however I have backed off completely to let her "come to her own conclusions". I am in a place with very limited friendships. I feel alone and unhappy, and frustrated over the lack of any real progress in the situation. The only family I have here is my MIL and the only friend that I can confide in is a mutual friend that I know has the best intentions however, I'm also sure reports to my wife, so I now limit those conversations as well. I want to escape my own madness!!! I wish I could pretend that everything is alright all the time, however it's not and I'm tired of faking a sh1t eating grin when all I want to do is crawl in to bed and pull the covers over my head and sleep until this nightmare ends!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

take a look around, son. you're not alone in the world. you're not even really alone in your condition. I'm six months ahead of you and it's going to be a sh!tty xmas for me too. And likely for everyone else on these boards.

get out and do something different, b. walk your dog twice a day if that's what it takes. volunteer at a shelter. make a pact to comment on 5 threads here every time you visit.

if you're waiting for a light at the end of the tunnel you're going to have to learn to be your own light, with our without the woman you used to live with.

Aside from that, Merry Christmas. Get some dvds, get your food shopping out of the way and make a stop to the liquor store and treat yourself.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Orpheus, I appreciate the advice. I usually turn here in my moments of despair. I took your advice, after work I took the dog for another walk, and enjoyed a glass of wine. A friend calls me out of the blue from CA and says to me he spoke to my wife. She is confused, I don't get what's to be confused about, he says Bryan you were on opiates for almost 5 years. This is the first time I've spoken to you and you seem like yourself for quite sometime. If he can he see it, others see it, why can't my wife see it? He replies, "she's chasing shadows, eventually she will see it too". Anyways, thank you for the advice. I've always been my own light, sometimes I forget that; we all need a reminder sometimes. I know I'm not the only one in this situation, It just feels that way sometimes. Regardless, I appreciate the advice. Keep your chin up as well, Orpheus. You are a very intelligent, and wise man from my experiences with you thus far. I hope there is something Merry in your X-mas as well. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Bryan you're going to get through this fine regardless of the outcome. the horrible part of it is more or less the same for everybody. There's like four or five story leads through similar really depressing choose-your-own-adventure plots.

That your wife is reaching out to your close friend and that your close friend is confirming that you've moved lightyears is an enormous confirmation of how you are ebbing towards the better. Old Brian would double down on that bet and push it until the bank breaks or he ends up curbed in vegas. New Bryan might taken that as a sign for a better tomorrow. Perhaps his wife will get her act together; or maybe he'll just continue to take out the trash and become an older and wiser version of himself. In any event, Bryan is making the right decisions now; after half a decade of destroying everything around him. (How could she not be confused???) You won't win all the battles but if you win some of them...

Find charity and love in your heart and give back. Because it's the right thing to do. Find the Bryan of five years from now and let him guide you. You're a good man. You're just in a bad place. Despite your flailing about, you actually do some good stuff every now and then. hold on to that. 

Merry Christmas to all... and to all a good night.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

My wife texted, "I hope you are coming", with regards to the Christmas Party tonight. I replied back with a simple smiling wink. I feel so damn nervous; like an adolescent about to receive his / her 1st kiss. I haven't seen her in weeks. I feel like when we went on our first date. I don't know what is wrong with me or why I'm feeling this way. Maybe there will be that Nora Ephron moment. LoL, no expectations on my end, however I feel happy that she wants me to come. I wish everyone a Merry Christmas tomorrow, and a Happy Holidays!!! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

Bryane... my brother gave me good advice. Now it's time to iron your pants. Meaning. Get your **** together. Prepare for when the right woman comes along, whether it turns out to be her or someone else. First priority, health. Sleep well, exercise, eat well, get some motivational audio. e.g. Shad Helmstetter has some holiday deals right now.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

GetTough, my wife has always been, "The right woman". I screwed things up, she reacted. Perhaps, it wasn't in the right way, however I was not the easiest person to reach for the better part of 18 months. Regardless, she has been loyal all the way. The last few weeks has given me time to put my house in order or iron my pants as your brother suggested. I have a different way of looking at things now days. I let my physical pain and prescription abuse destroy me. I've realized I am not the same person, nor the same person even before this happened, I am a better, wiser, and more appreciative and humble person. With that being said, I strive for even more of myself in the future. I am grateful for the input.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

bryane said:


> GetTough, my wife has always been, "The right woman". I screwed things up, she reacted. Perhaps, it wasn't in the right way, however I was not the easiest person to reach for the better part of 18 months. Regardless, she has been loyal all the way. The last few weeks has given me time to put my house in order or iron my pants as your brother suggested. I have a different way of looking at things now days. I let my physical pain and prescription abuse destroy me. I've realized I am not the same person, nor the same person even before this happened, I am a better, wiser, and more appreciative person. With that being said, I strive for even more of myself in the future. I am grateful for the input.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I saw a good post from a religious guy. I normally don't go with them too much because I'm agnostic, but he stayed away from all the bible thumping and just gave (what seemed to me) good sense advice. Basically he had been counseling guys who's wives had left them, and he was blogging about that.

The message was this. The guys invariably came to him saying "I want her back. I've changed. How can I show her?" His response was "Really?" "Have you really changed?" "How credible is it?" And eventually got most of them to admit that even if they had changed, it wasn't going to help them to try to put it under their ex's noses. Any begging is a real turn off. It feels bad in the HEART even if it seems right in the HEAD. Listen to your heart.

His advice was to Just Let Go. Continue working on yourself and let her see the New You naturally. Don't try to persuade, cajole, or manipulate. Don't beg, plead, communicate in an attempt to generate emotion (Christmas tree?) Just Let Go. Iron your pants. That is your best chance.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

GetTough: I agree with everything you have said. I was grasping at straws and flailing about for a very long time. It took me a while to come to the same conclusions, regardless everything I've done including the Christmas Tree has come from my heart. I've realized I can't do anything nor do I want her to come back under those pretenses. She needs to come to these conclusions on her own volition, NOT because I cajoled her into it. In the interim I've led with my heart and what I believe to be right. If she doesn't see me for who I am, then she is not the person I thought her to be. As sad as that might be, I am willing to accept that now. Actions are what is of relevance, nothing more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

bryane said:


> I am a better, wiser, and more appreciative and humble person.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


good luck on your date tonight, gandhi. pics or you were just cruising the Applebees to get your tree trimmed!

Merry Christmas, Bryan.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

LoL @ Applebee's. I really enjoyed spending time together with my wife. I find her attractive, intelligent, enchanting, witty, and so much more. I don't know why, but she made the comment to me that she thought I was angry a few times. I wasn't angry at all, I was sad. I miss us spending time together, I miss her affections and attention. I was not angry one iota. I didn't tell her how sad I was. I didn't tell her how much some of her comments, when I thought of them really hurt me and made me feel bad. I must have been a real @sshole this last 18 months or so. I don't remember what I did or said however, I truly regret what I've done. I value her and our marriage above everything, yet I made her feel as if I didn't even care. I hurt her and I don't even remember doing so, I feel really guilty about this. It wasn't intentional, my personality must have really changed when I was on the medications I was on. I didn't want to say good bye or good night, I wanted to take her home with me. I wanted to hold her in my arms as we slept together in our bed. I wanted to feel her body against mine. We hugged, she pecked me on the cheek and said good night. As we were driving home in our seperate cars she sent me a text thanking me for coming. In return I sent her one back thanking her for the invitation and told her that I enjoyed spending time together. It is so frustrating, I wanted her all night. Hopefully, we can figure this out. Hopefully she realizes I am the guy she loved, married, and wanted to spend her life with, not the person that caused her pain and suffering.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

sounds like the best possible night.

the next best step for you B is to learn how to listen. she says you were angry and you counter it by denying the anger and replacing it with sadness. however it's pretty clear that you are dominating and controlling. your wife is trying to express to you that she has a problem and she experiences it as anger. it's up to you to decipher what was going on from your side. to own up to it. and to change those behaviors and be able to communicate that to your wife in a way that reassures her that you are capable of growth.

back away from what you didn't get out of the night and bask in the fact that this adorable woman kissed you on the cheek at the end of the night. 

and you didn't shoot yourself in the foot.

There might just be something to this whole Saving and Loan thing, Mr. George Bailey. 

with love,

Clarence.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Are you watching, "Its a Wonderful Life"? I love that movie, it's a good, but corny, movie of better days gone by. She is an amazing and adorable woman a very amazing and adorable woman and I wouldn't shoot myself in the foot, intentionally that is. I've learned to slow my roll immensely. Dominating and controlling...hmmmm, is that always a negative thing? It worked in our dynamics before, however I've learned to ease off significantly. There is a time and a place for everything. She started with how hurt she was. I countered with what did I do right? She says the sex was good. I agreed. I reminisced how we would always adventure together, she claimed its been a long time. She also had fond memories, however struggled within herself to admit them. She stated that she didn't just wake up unhappy one day, this was a progression; obviously. My frustration lies within the fact I really wasn't cognizant of the situation until I stopped polluting my mind. She queried about how people divorce and remarry, I said that wasn't an option, that if that line were to be crossed, I would be devastated to the point of no return. This felt like a sucker punch to the gut. I tried to remind myself to not have any expectations and to really listen. To listen beyond the words. I gave her a back rub, we leaned against each other and basked in each others presence as if no one else was in the room. I know I hurt her, the specifics don't seem pertinent, maybe this type of thinking is a mistake...however to mull over wrongs of the past doesn't seem beneficial. I acknowledge my mistakes, however I can't go back in time, all I can do is better for the present and future. She made an off handed comment about me sleeping with someone else in the interim, I stated you really don't know me that well if you truly beleive that. She smiled in return. Almost had that moment...lol needless to say, I am angry that she left and how she left however that is deeply buried under the sadness. I didn't feel that me being vulnerable or talking about my emotions was really of any benefit to her or myself at the present time. I told her that the only promise I could make was to honor our marriage, love her unconditionally and strive for better. Beyond that, no more. I wasn't going to make empty promises. At the end of the night I said we shouldn't spend New Years apart or alone. She told me where she was going, I don't know if it was an invitation or if she, herself wasn't sure either. She has tomorrow off as I do and most of the country as well. I wonder if I'll get my Christmas wish? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

controlling and dominating is ALWAYS a negative thing in a marriage.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

controlling and dominating - bad
assertive and communicative - good


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

The comment was semi facetious, and was geared more towards bedroom antics. I don't think I've acted controlling or domineering. I am assertive in many regards, however I would NEVER want anyone to do anything unless it was genuinely their desire; especially my wife. If I come across domineering or controlling; this is more of my own bravado and an act than anything. Sometimes I have expectations or beliefs and when they are not met, I am more disappointed or hurt than anything.

For example, today, I waited around for my wife to open gifts together until 11:30. I really wanted to spend the day together, we would never be apart on holidays. I won't tell her I'm hurt or disappointed, I am sure she is probably aware of that. I ended up going to the beach with the dog. The gifts are still sitting unopened. She text me this morning about a bill, i told her i already handled it. then I texted her that I waited, however I left to the beach with the dog since she didn't show, however she was welcome to join us if she chooses. I really would like for her to choose to spend the day together, however these are her choices and I don't want her to come if she felt pressured into it or really wouldn't genuinely want to be here. Maybe I'm missing something however, I've always desired that distinction in my relationship.

BTW, how's your holiday? Hopefully better than mine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

there's a sea of defensive and passive-aggressive in those above paragraphs but in the spirit of the holiday i'm not going to get into it with you. only to reiterate, your wife hasn't evaporated and has given you clues about what you need to do to start repairing. if you continue to avoid the bonfire you will find yourself well done.

...

i tried to do this winter 500k between 24-31Dec over the past few days and it's obvious that i don't have enough of my summer form to complete it. i was hoping to get a Festive500 badge or at least have the bragging rights. alas it's not going to happen this year. so that's the downside. the upside is that riding your bike in miserable weather takes your mind off of self misery for a few hours.

i've never seen Homeland and think i might sit down with some beer and begin a bit of a binge after i run the bases on some obligatory telephone calls.

ho ho ho.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

You should have been a Rabbi, always speaking in riddles and mystery. I guess at times I am too stupid to recognize or see what's directly in front of me. I know what I want, however I don't know how to get there. I'm not accustomed to all these rules of engagement: 180, space, listen, don't listen, etc... I've always been a candid and direct person. In the past I've always spoken directly about how I feel and what my goals are. I guess I'm a simpleton when it comes to these things. The rest just seems to go over my head at times.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

when something is broken, i don't usually reach for a hammer to fix it. you spend your time mastering the hammer. find some other tools and quick.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Blunt my friend, please! What would you suggest my next move be?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

work on yourself and leave her alone. the same thing i've said to you since day one.

suggesting NYEve was pushing. being passive aggressive about waiting for present opening was pushing. you're adorable, b. but perhaps the worst person i've ever seen at that 180.

take this time to push the ball forward on your side of the line and leave her alone. do some real work and watch it pay off handsomely in the coming weeks. read. listen to tapes. therapy. new hobby. same thing we've been saying. 

this thing works both ways with the showing not talking. you bombard your wife with how much you've changed. when what you need is less assault and more swagger. the up side is you can not lose by investing in your self.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Thank you! That's what I was looking for. Too much self doubt at times, this is a very scary situation to me. I was always very confident and secure, now not so much. I can fake it, however deep down I know, and if I know, so do others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I made a complete ass of myself tonight, my wife came by and was playing with dog, seeing her smile and us being together brought up so much emotion that I lost it. she sat down in my room she started crying. she wouldnt talk about why, I tried to comfort her and she wouldnt let me. This hurt me so fvcking bad. All day all I wanted was for us to be together. She doubts my integrity and sincerity, I got hurt and angry. I asked her why would she think I would go through all this effort if my intentions were just to manipulate her. I told her if she couldn't see my actions for what they were then she should leave. She lingered and gave me opportunity yet I still could not resist myself. She wanted to hug me, I wouldn't let her. She left, I started crying. I texted her the following apology, "I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. Today, has been a really terrible day. All I wanted was your attention, love, and affection and I went about it the wrong way; I'm learning. I've been very afraid, more afraid then I've ever been in my entire life and I panicked". We spoke a few minutes afterwards she asked why my day was bad, I explained that that we have always spent the holidays together, and today I was alone almost all day. I feel like I am my own worst enemy at times. I told her I felt like a d0uchebag and I didn't mean to push her away, that if she comes back I want it to be her decision. She said she understood and to have a good day at work tomorrow and wished me good night. I feel like I should give up and leave her alone, and move on with my life. She feels I've hurt her too badly to recover and she wants a divorce then she tells me she is not sure and needs time. I beleive she wants me to not give up and right my wrongs, however everything is on her terms and she feels she has no responsibility in what led up to the way things are. Orpheus, you called it, you saw it coming, this is not a way for people to live. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

bryane said:


> I made a complete ass of myself tonight, my wife came by and was playing with dog, seeing her smile and us being together brought up so much emotion that I lost it. she sat down in my room she started crying. she wouldnt talk about why, I tried to comfort her and she wouldnt let me. This hurt me so fvcking bad. All day all I wanted was for us to be together. She doubts my integrity and sincerity, I got hurt and angry. I asked her why would she think I would go through all this effort if my intentions were just to manipulate her. I told her if she couldn't see my actions for what they were then she should leave. She lingered and gave me opportunity yet I still could not resist myself. She wanted to hug me, I wouldn't let her. She left, I started crying. I texted her the following apology, "I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. Today, has been a really terrible day. All I wanted was your attention, love, and affection and I went about it the wrong way; I'm learning. I've been very afraid, more afraid then I've ever been in my entire life and I panicked". We spoke a few minutes afterwards she asked why my day was bad, I explained that that we have always spent the holidays together, and today I was alone almost all day. I feel like I am my own worst enemy at times. I told her I felt like a d0uchebag and I didn't mean to push her away, that if she comes back I want it to be her decision. She said she understood and to have a good day at work tomorrow and wished me good night. I feel like I should give up and leave her alone, and move on with my life. She feels I've hurt her too badly to recover and she wants a divorce then she tells me she is not sure and needs time. I beleive she wants me to not give up and right my wrongs, however everything is on her terms and she feels she has no responsibility in what led up to the way things are. Orpheus, you called it, you saw it coming, this is not a way for people to live.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


LISTEN MAN. You CAN SAVE THIS. But you HAVE TO LEAVE HER ALONE. You have to regain your power and strength as a man in this relationship. You have to get your sh1t together!

She has to chase YOU! Stop acting needy, whiny, let her chase you and act COOL, like you are okay no matter what.

You need to give her a clear message. The old relationship is dead. You accept that. You're moving on. Then PROVE IT. Leave her ALONE. Do not initiate communication. Respond MINIMALLY to hers. She will notice this and she will find it ATTRACTIVE. If she asks you why you're cold or not talkative, tell her you're not waiting on her to decide. She's either trying for the marriage or she's not. At the moment she's not. So you're moving on. It's that simple.

When you eventually get a clear signal from her that she wants to try again, which you will, be careful. Do not just hand over all your power and make her know that she has you for sure. Have a few female friends that you're getting to know. Be in a place of abundance.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

You ask for advice and then don't heed it. You set goals and then do what you were going to do any way. You see your wife and you lash out. You ask for enlightenment but respond like a little boy. You've had dozens of interactions with your wife that end poorly because you won't contain yourself. And it surprises you that she could still see you as a junky?

How many do overs do you think you get in one relationship? One life?

B, you need to start addressing this rather than shining it on and hoping for the best again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I know this, I realize this and I've come to the conclusion that I can do this. I even caught myself in the middle of my stupidity. I recognize what I did wrong, I'm not oblivious to it.. Yesterday, I even did a rather decent job of it. I snapped, however, and now I vow to myself not to do it again. I've come to far. We talked again, briefly, I got her to laugh in a good way. I lost my confidence and composure with the tears and the extreme from happiness of being together for the holidays to the reality of the situation. I appreciate the advice, and I usually follow it. I think it's time to dust off my jeans and get back on that bike. When my confidence dropped, I turned things sideways, however I think I was able to recover graciously. Time to focus back on myself. I need to stop feeling sorry and pathetic and take back control of the situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

180 all the way!

pot meet kettle


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

bryane said:


> I know this, I realize this and I've come to the conclusion that I can do this. I even caught myself in the middle of my stupidity. I recognize what I did wrong, I'm not oblivious to it.. Yesterday, I even did a rather decent job of it. I snapped, however, and now I vow to myself not to do it again. I've come to far. We talked again, briefly, I got her to laugh in a good way. I lost my confidence and composure with the tears and the extreme from happiness of being together for the holidays to the reality of the situation. I appreciate the advice, and I usually follow it. I think it's time to dust off my jeans and get back on that bike. When my confidence dropped, I turned things sideways, however I think I was able to recover graciously. Time to focus back on myself. I need to stop feeling sorry and pathetic and take back control of the situation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's good that you can see it. However I'm not sure you fully do. You say you got her to laugh. You're too caught up in trying to sell yourself to her. Your position should be that she is just another person among millions until she makes it clear she wants to try again. Do not make someone a priority in your life if you're not a priority in theirs. To do so lacks self-respect and is very unattractive. She is managing you, and managing you out. Don't give her a job to do there! Make it easy for her, this will make her doubt her decision, stop and think twice. She'll miss you if you leave her alone. Give her the gift of missing you.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Bingo, I just realized that, I've also come to the conclusion that confidence has a lot to do with it. When I'm confident there is attraction, which is what I used to get her to laugh. nothing more than confidence and some wit. When I'm emotional or vulnerable; I look pathetic. She doesn't fear loosing someone pathetic, however when I'm confident and she sees me as attractive then her fears play in. It came to me like an epiphany, stupid things I know and use everyday, but can't seem to apply to my own life at times. Everything in life is motivated by fear. Whether it be fear of having or fear of not having. Just found my swagger again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Today,, was really frightening and thought evoking, as I drove to work a fatal accident unfolded right in front of me. I swerved and skidded to a halt off the highway into the grass medium from 75 MPH to 0 in less then a few seconds. I rant to the first car, there were 5 passengers all unconscious, I couldn't help or get them out; their mini van had rolled several times. I ran to the other vehicle, a truck. I was able to get the only passenger out through the windshield. Then the police, fire, and rescue teams arrived. A mother I assume (the driver), and child were pronounced DOA. I was shaken badly. It made me realize what I value and appreciate, my family being number one. I don't think I'll ever say something out of anger in my life again. Life is too precious too fragile, I wonder what their last words or thoughts were? They will never realize there potential beyond today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

sorry for your rough morning but it sounds like you're carrying a positive message out of it. i'm glad you're ok. i'm proud of you for being so fearless and thoughtful. that was a great thing of you to do... to try to help those people.

what an awful way to close out the holidays though. always use every opportunity to learn. how sad.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

bryane said:


> Today,, was really frightening and thought evoking, as I drove to work a fatal accident unfolded right in front of me. I swerved and skidded to a halt off the highway into the grass medium from 75 MPH to 0 in less then a few seconds. I rant to the first car, there were 5 passengers all unconscious, I couldn't help or get them out; their mini van had rolled several times. I ran to the other vehicle, a truck. I was able to get the only passenger out through the windshield. Then the police, fire, and rescue teams arrived. A mother I assume (the driver), and child were pronounced DOA. I was shaken badly. It made me realize what I value and appreciate, my family being number one. I don't think I'll ever say something out of anger in my life again. Life is too precious too fragile, I wonder what their last words or thoughts were? They will never realize there potential beyond today.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Really makes you see what is important in life. I kind of wish my h would see something like that and let him see how it would effect him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Thank you, Orpheus, I sat into car in a state of shock after the initial adrenaline wore off for about 20-30 minutes trying to regain my composure. Given my situation, it made me feel appreciative, my wife and I can heal. These people will mever have that opportunity. My anger is gone, it's a pointless emotion in today's modern society for the most part; only to be used in a fight or flight situation. It made me think about how forgiveness and acceptance is the ultimate way to handle the majority of life's turmoils. You are so right about chances. Life is to valuable an precious not to appreciate the beauty in things. 

I was about to give up on my marriage; this morning I was so angry and hurt over my situation, the things she said, and my unfulfilled expectations that I was or at least I thought I was ready to file for divorce. I wanted to end the pain, suffering and brain damage. This experience, seeing people die, impacted me in such a way that I've taken on a new perspective, I found the ability to accept and the desire to forgive again. Sometimes there really is NO do-overs or second chances.. I've decided to give my wife the space she needs, no longer for my own reasons of wanting her to come back, but for her because I know that this is what she needs. Time to pony up and start acting like a man again.

Strange how if your willing to listen, the world is always willing to give you an education.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

you also pulled yourself out of that wreckage today, Bryan. if you'd still been on the meds your reaction time, agility and acuity probably wouldn't have been there to stop you in time.

everything is very fragile.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Agreed Orpheus


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I want to forgive and move forward, I don't see the sense of my separation anymore at this point. All the subterfuge and vascilation yet no direction. Patience, I know is the answer, however I can't seem to get the images of yesterday out of my head. Life really is too precious and fragile. This all seems like a terrible waste of time and since in essence time is life, why throw it away?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

yes.

move on.

if she wants to join you on the trip she will let you know. it's not like she's going to forget the 50 million invitations you've planted between then and now.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

You are absolutely right, and that's why I've decided to leave her and the situation be, she is the one confused and lost; not me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I know what I want and I know what I am willing to do...

The question is Does H know what he wants and what he is willing to do?

I am moving forward and cant just stand still.... I dont like this place and it is not good for me....


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Something came to me like an epiphany this morning. I'm tired of feeling hurt, however this is a choice to feel this way. I worry and my anxiety over the situation gets to me and I must admit at times it overwhelms and consumes my every thought, however I'm doing everything I can to make my marriage work. I obviously hurt my wife. I also know she can only be the one to decide whether or not she can forgive me and she has to do this when she is ready to do so. 

I feel so stupid and I didn't think what I was doing at the time would hurt her, I took for granted how important my wife is and how much I value my marriage. I truly regret causing her pain, destroying her trust and respect. I wish things were not the way that they are. I wish that we could be together tonight. I hope she realizes my sincerity and see my actions for what they are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

there's that hope again. lead from the front; not the rear. scrape that hope off your shoe, put a new flower in your lapel and face the new year with a smile.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

All I have is hope, I guess I'm a masochist that way  Regardless, the changes I've made have been for me, and in hindsight, I realized that if the improvements to myself; if i did not do them for me that they would not last and would not have any value anyways..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

bzzzzzt. wrong. thanks for playing.

all that is weighing you down and stopping you is hope.

chew off that limb and free yourself from the trap.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

So your suggesting I just give up? I've already stopped pushing, Ive figured I'd just wait until she is no longer confused and can face me with a decision. I do not simply forget my feelings, forget my integrity, and walk away from something when I know it is not the right thing to do.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Just in a crappy mood today!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

you need to reframe the debate. yes you need to give up. if give up means "hope" and waiting. no, you don't need to give up. if give up means holding open the possibility of moving forward with her if in a reasonable amount of time she decides to work on her relationship again. At some point you'll have to decide when you close that door and what's an acceptable amount of time to give her pending all the growth you've done. 

Whether she decides her life includes you or not, you will continue to build a life for yourself that is healthier and happier. You will use all those past mistakes to inform your new decisions. When you've done that honest real work your life will be better whether or not that woman is still involved.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

...and as you do this, you take back control. something i know you like. 

Happy New Year, Bryan. Don't let me down in 2013. I have a lot invested in you!


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Orpheus,

I think we agree. I am moving forward with my life and myself, however I am "waiting", for my wife as well. I am giving my wife the time she deserves to observe my actions and to draw her own conclusions as to whether she believes in my sincerity and desires to work on our marriage. I am not giving up in regards to my belief and faith that we can work through this and save our marriage should she decide. I will wait for her untill I feel there is no longer a purpose. IE; She decides to start dating others, she serves me with divorce papers, or I can simply no longer take the abandonment. Regardless I will continue to work on myself and continue to take back control, my confidence is improving drastically and I appreciate your suuport.

I wish you a great New Year! All my best!!! 

Bryan


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

>>I'm doing everything I can to make my marriage work.

Don't. Because if you're doing this, you can't be doing everything you can to make YOUR life work.

You have to shift focus.

Doing everything you can to make YOUR life work, WITHOUT HER, is paradoxically the best chance you have of her wanting to try again. Focusing on her is very unattractive to her.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

GetTough, I am focussing on myself, That is what I mean by doing everything I can for my marriage. My behaviors are what created the rift. If I can't fix myself then I will never fix my marriage. That's why I am giving her the space to see my actions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

In the cause of the problems we are in the same boat so i totally get where you are coming from.

Part of why I am struggling atm though, is I have accepted it's over and that NOTHING I do can change that. The changes I need to be made, need to be made. Period.

Sure, those changes would be a fundamental requirement for any fix between us but in reality, the only thing that can fix us, is her forgiving what I did while unwell. The things I am doing are to stop me making more mistakes in the future. I'd love that future to be with her but it could be with someone else or it could just be me forever the way I feel right now. 

In a week or so I move out, specifically to be NOT showing her my actions. I need to sort this out by myself for myself (and kids).

Heh, I talk the talk ok. Sure wish I was closer to walking the walk.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

KC, bryane, I understand where you are both coming from. I've been there. It's really hard. I'm just trying to help you avoid making the mistakes I made... I would tell myself I was focusing on myself but I would have moments of weakness, moments of anger, moments of panic.... because it was hard to get the relationship off my mind. The more you can do to get the relationship off your mind, the better and easier it is. Craft a vision of a new single life, FREE to flirt with whoever you like. FREE to do what you want, when you want. FREE to spend all your own money without having to account to anyone... etc. Then you will be strong and attractive to whoever comes along (or comes back).


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

So the wifey asked me to spend New Year's Eve together, she had a lot of trepidation and was atruggling within herself as to whether she should invite me, she seems to struggle with her perception of who I am and what reality is. We went to a close mutual friends home for an intimate dinner and gathering. We all seemed to have a great time together. At times the she acted cool; not cold or rude, just a little too distant. It was almost as she did this on purpose because it was only diretected towards me. I shined it on, I would not allow her to get a rise out of me. All in all it was a good evening. I was happy to be there and I had no expectations. Therefore there is no longer any disappointment. It was nice to be amongst family and friends. This was a great surprise 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

bryane said:


> So the wifey asked me to spend New Year's Eve together, she had a lot of trepidation and was atruggling within herself as to whether she should invite me, she seems to struggle with her perception of who I am and what reality is. We went to a close mutual friends home for an intimate dinner and gathering. We all seemed to have a great time together. At times the she acted cool; not cold or rude, just a little too distant. It was almost as she did this on purpose because it was only diretected towards me. I shined it on, I would not allow her to get a rise out of me. All in all it was a good evening. I was happy to be there and I had no expectations. Therefore there is no longer any disappointment. It was nice to be amongst family and friends. This was a great surprise
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds promising. Sounds like you are handling things pretty well.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Thumbs up!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

GetTough said:


> KC, bryane, I understand where you are both coming from. I've been there. It's really hard. I'm just trying to help you avoid making the mistakes I made...


:iagree:

It's straight talking advice like that from TAM that has got me to where I am. A few weeks ago I was barely functioning. Then it got to feeling easy as i was talking about fixing my issues for her and for the kids with barely a thought to myself. Truth is, it was feeling easy as I was working from a view of R. That was a huge part of my motivation. So much of ME has become wrapped up in US, it was my automatic response. 

Now is harder simply because I have honestly accepted i could be 100% successful and she will still be gone. Losing the "R" motivation makes the motivation have to actually come from me and doing it for my boys. She is irrelevant to what i need to do right now. Years of depression and low self esteem makes that hard but I am determined to beat it.

Thats the plan and I am happy to pass that advice on to others. I just hope seeing the advice etc in other peoples threads and comparing it to some of the 'wallowing' I do in my own doesn't make me look too hypocritical or schizophrenic.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

K.C. said:


> :iagree:
> 
> It's straight talking advice like that from TAM that has got me to where I am. A few weeks ago I was barely functioning. Then it got to feeling easy as i was talking about fixing my issues for her and for the kids with barely a thought to myself. Truth is, it was feeling easy as I was working from a view of R. That was a huge part of my motivation. So much of ME has become wrapped up in US, it was my automatic response.
> 
> ...


You are not at all alone my friend. I've run the whole gamut of emotions and feelings as well. I'm starting to believe my wife has no intention or desire to repair out marriage. Regardless, I'm happy that I've made the changes in my life. I'm happy that I know I'm doing what is right by me. It has been a hard thing to accept and I want our marriage to work, however only she can decide that, therefore I've stopped feeling sorry for myself and started to do what I need to do in order to put things right for myself. As someone pointed out earlier it wasn't as if she wasn't aware of all the invitations I left her along the way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I'm in South Beach and I just discovered they have movies under the stars. So cool!!! The paper took a picture of my dog and I for an article on the event. It's so effed up that I feel happy most of the time and then all of the sudden my heart sinks and reality hits me like a ton of bricks. Dann, I really miss my wife. I really want her company, she would enjoy being here with us, I know it. I would enjoy her being here with us. I feel that it is so pathetic of me, I should be angry at her for leaving me and choosing not to work on our marriage; for taking the easy way out and not fighting for "us" yet all I want is my family back together. I want "us" back, I want her to enjoy things with us. I want to do things together. I'm still a mess over her. She was my one and only true love if there is such a thing. I never wanted this. I regret, the choices I made that led us down this path. I want so badly to repair our relationship. It's been nearly 2 months since she left and every day is still a struggle for me. Will we ever figure this out?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

When is enough enough ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I wish I knew? I must be a masochist to continually do this to myself. I still wear my wedding band, I still want only her. I often wonder what she thinks of, if she shares the same feelings and is just afraid, afraid that I'll hurt her again or if I'm just deluding myself and she is happy to be free of me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I am right there with you, I had a doc appt today so i got sleeping pils and Zoloft - to help with the mood swings. Also got an std test done just to be careful even though i dont think he would. I also got a couple job leads to hit this week. I am committed to the 180 . I have made it so easy for him to have the best of being apart and being a family. He is going to want to come back when I am done working on me and the girls!
I started my new journal last night!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Bryane whatcha up to?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

bryane said:


> I wish I knew? I must be a masochist to continually do this to myself. I still wear my wedding band, I still want only her. I often wonder what she thinks of, if she shares the same feelings and is just afraid, afraid that I'll hurt her again or if I'm just deluding myself and she is happy to be free of me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have the exact same thoughts. I think there is still at least a little love there, she does show concern about my well being etc still, but that trust and fear is a huge part of a relationship and I am trying to truly accept that even if she see's the real me and likes what she see's the damage in the meantime may have been too much.

Because of this, I am doing things I don't have to, to make it more real. I switched my ring to the right hand and then removed it all together. Wearing it was like clinging to hope she would rethink. Taking it off and not having it there to fiddle with was symbolic I guess of accepting her choice and that I had to at least try and move on. She never asked me to leave the family home because of the kids but i am doing so next week, again for my own benefit as being here is too hard to process the change.

Guess what I am saying is the first thing you need to do is truly accept the situation for what it is. Even if she does miss you, she is likely still happy to be free of what she was dealing with. I quite often see my wife looking wistful and in deep contemplation but I know from talking to her separating and not having to deal with my problems is a huge weight off her shoulders.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

K.C. said:


> Guess what I am saying is the first thing you need to do is truly accept the situation for what it is. Even if she does miss you, she is likely still happy to be free of what she was dealing with. I quite often see my wife looking wistful and in deep contemplation but I know from talking to her separating and not having to deal with my problems is a huge weight off her shoulders.


KC, 
I'm sorry my friend that is part of marriage; dealing with each other's problems. I don't know your situation however it sounds like you are being awfully hard on yourself. It takes two people and it sounds to me as if you blame yourself 100%. 

Our wives chose to leave, to take the easy way out...That in itself is a betrayal far beyond anything I've ever done. My wife didn't even have the maturity to try and work through our problems. She has run away to her Mother's home and refused to talk. Refused counseling, or any other sort of help. I doubt she has even picked up a book. She goes to the gym because it makes her feel better momentarily, however our problems are still there. She ultimately left me holding the sack, figuratively speaking.

Nothing has changed on her end since the day she left. She still has not given me any insight as to what direction we are heading or what this was to accomplish. I have run with the situation on the other hand and used my time wisely. I've developed many new coping mechanisms and taken the time to reflect on myself, our marriage, and who I want to be and become. I've set goals and I'm working towards them.

Yesterday my hairstylist asked me how much longer I'm going to wait? Why am I wasting my time? I deserve better.... He wanted to set me up on a few dates, although I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I feel abandoned at this point. I've given myself a deadline, if nothing has changed I'm going to force myself. Two months is a long time to be indecisive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

When we decided that I would move out, I demanded her wedding ring back. I pawned both of them to pay for my first months rent.

It sucked, I was nearly in tears when the shop told me how much they were worth.

They could tell what was going on, and it was terrible.

My stbxw was really upset that I took the ring back, but I had to in order to get out of her house. 

It's weird, I miss wearing that ring almost more than anything else.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

N8vee, I still wear mine, however who knows for how much longer. I guess only my wife could answer that question for now. I personally loved being married to my wife and dread the thought of being single again. I hate all the B.S. that goes with dating. I thought that part of my life was over; I guess now I'm not so sure anymore, only time will tell. 

I just noticed she called this morning although she did not bother to leave a message. I'm about 7 miles off the coast fishing right now so my service is spotty and I'm trying to enjoy the day with a friend and his family. I really wish everyone here a peaceful day without stress or torment.

@ Lee trying to enjoy my day off. How about you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

I just needed her ring for money to move out. 
I really liked being married too. 
The best part was watching the kids grow every day, always something new goin on with them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## goodmans (Jan 2, 2013)

"To be Happy - marry a happy person"


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I'm a happy person , my wife was a happy person, now she seems like a miserable wreck, it's really sad, it's almost like she forgot how to be happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I sent the following email to my wife on the 26th of December:


Babe,

I'm sorry to have to write this in email, however our communication with regards to what I'm about to mention is strained at the moment and I feel that this is probably the best way to approach the subject.

I would like to lead with that If it was up to me we would be in the same home, together, communicating, as well as focussing every day on healing and strengthening ourselves and our marriage. I have never been one to run or hide from my problems or mistakes. I would rather face them head on and resolve them. I also fight for what I believe in. I guess you can call me stubborn and hardheaded that way. 

I would like some clarity from you as to what you believe should be the immediate goals in ourselves and our relationship? What time frame would you like to achieve them by? What do you see as our game plan to accomplish this? How do you feel we measure our progress? 

I ask that you please don't rush to answer these questions and give them some careful consideration. If you are not certain I understand, however I would like us to start working towards something. 

Regardless, If you still question my sincerity or not, we are on the same team and we both loose if either of us causes anymore damage, hurt, or pain to each other.

Respectfully & With All My Love,

Bryan

I have not initiated any contact with her since. I've yet to receive a reply. She has contacted me a few times, however nothing at all regarding the direction of where this is all leading. In turn should I not receive a response I've picked a date in the not so distant future to put an end to this. Her lack of decision and although she has remained faithful sexually from my knowledge, she has abandoned me. 

A marriage is so much more in my opinion. Since she left, there has been no to very little affection, friendship, companionship, partnership, sex, etc... from her towards me. I want more out of my marriage then someone that chooses to disconnect. I have shared my desires and intentions and I haven't waivered from my initial position. Everything I've done has been genuine and from my heart. I feel like I've given her every opportunity to see me for who I am and yet she still is confused? 

If nothing changes from her about the present situation, I'm changing my position on where I stand and what I desire. I'm doing this in order to preserve my own sanity. I'm not giving an ultimatum, it's just what I need to do in order for me to be healthy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

sigh. well, at least you were smart enough to wait 10 days before posting this where i would see it.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Just really uncertain ....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

[email protected] Orpheus, I don't think there really was too much wrong asking where this is supposed to be going considering the mixed messages I keep receiving. When we spend time together we are happy and enjoy spending time with each other. We are also very comfortable together unless I push for anything more than what she is willing to give freely. There is attraction, love, and some affection.

I feel she is afraid to make any decisions. She knows I won't cheat, date, or leave her at the moment. She feels safe in her indecision since there has been no consequences. There is no regret of making the wrong choice if you make none; at least that is what I'm interrupting out our situation. At this point things could go in either direction and I feel I'll be alright either way. What I want and what is going to happen are not under my control; It will ultimately come from her decisions or lack of decisions. 

Regardless, I've learned a considerable amount about myself over the last few months, and I feel I have made huge strides growing towards a better healthier person. I realized whom I want to be for me. My confidence is back and growing stronger with each day. I have purpose and goals in my life and I am working towards them, however most importantly I have learned to find happiness in myself again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

bryane said:


> I don't think there really was too much wrong
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


of course you don't.

how many times are you going to ask her what you should do with your life?


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I wasn't asking her what to do with my life, I was asking her for clarity on what she wanted from this and what direction she wanted. You've already helped me immensley by repeatledly reminding me that MY decisions have to be MY decisions and that the only thing I have control over is myself. Orpheus, I think a few weeks ago you might have interrupted this correctly, however I beleive I'm no longer in that place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

bryane said:


> I wasn't asking... I was asking
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


you're giving her control over something she hasn't given you any feedback on. you continue to hand her all the cards rather than making decisions about you want to do for your future.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Not necessarily, I know that it is going to take a considerable amount of work for us to repair our marriage; from her, and myself. If she is not willing to own her mistakes and choices or the motivation is for the wrong reasons than I don't see how we could continue together under false pretenses. I don't want a repeat of what has already happened. Our relationship and each other has to be a priority from both sides. I know I'm prepared to put in the work, however I have to feel comfortable knowing that it is going to be reciprocated. If not then I don't see any point. 

In the beginning I wasn't thinking clearly, however now that I've had time to really evaluate the situation, her and myself without distraction I've taken a different stance. I see things clearer and for what they are. Perhaps, I still am not 100% however I believe I'm now on the right path.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## goodmans (Jan 2, 2013)

People think that the most painful thing in life is losing the one you value. The truth is the most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of valuing someone too much and forgetting that you are special too.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

goodmans said:


> People think that the most painful thing in life is losing the one you value. The truth is the most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of valuing someone too much and forgetting that you are special too.


So true, very well said 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I feel it is time for me to move on, it hurts too much to continue to care about my wife. I need to be a healthy person and I feel like hanging on to the hope that my wife and I will work this out is destroying me. I was fired from my job a few days ago by the CEO because he felt I needed to straighten out my personal affairs. I became obsessed with trying to fix my marriage and took my problems with me to work. I've been doing things I am ashamed of like snooping through the phone bill trying to get insight to who my wife is seeing and or sleeping with. I honestly believe there has to be an OM involved at this point. I do not trust her anymore. She lies about stupid things that are inconsequential. She has been projecting her own insecurities upon me and then accuses me of things that are completely ludicrous such as going out and partying it up, drinking, and doing drugs, not paying the bills, and generally being overall irresponsible. None of these things are even remotely close to reality. I've been focussing on myself, and our marriage. I work and then come home for the most part. occasionally I'll force myself to go out and explore the city, however this triggers memories of her and usially ends up with me feeling worse. I can't do this to myself anymore. I have to act as if she is dead. I don't want to even talk to her anymore unless she wants to fix our marriage. This is the only way I'm going to get healthier.

She has become cruel, bitter, superficial, and nasty towards me most of the time. I don't deserve that, I screwed up my own life more than enough and I don't need her to make it any worse. I can't care about what she thinks about me , or what she is doing anymore. I know the truth anout myself, what I've done good & bad, and I know who I am and what type of person I've been. I know my mistakes and none of them were to intentionally hurt her or cause her pain. I've always been an honest, loyal, sincere, and genuine person towards her. if anything my biggeat mistake was allowing myself to become addicted to pain medication. Every problem I currently have stems from that. I let myself become oblivious to everything and I neglected everything and everyone including most importantly myself, however this was not done maliciously or intentionally. She on the other hand has gone out of her way to say and do things that serves no other purpose than to cause me pain and trauma.

She has purposely kept me in limbo for no reasons other than her own selfishness and insecurities. This is my time to shine and fix my life and myself. There is no longer "us", it is just me. I don't know why it took me so long to realize and accept this, I guess when you really love someone you don't want to beleive that they would maliacously hurt you, however I want to do my best for me from now on and I know that unless her intentions are to repair our marriage I can no longer worry or care about what she is doing or not doing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

If you chose not to decide, you still have made a choice.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

N8vee, I am going to assume you are talking about my wife's choice to not decide. If that is the case than I have to agree with you. I feel like I'm loosing my mind over this at times. Last night I scoured the phone bill and this guys number came up several times. I also notice my wife uses a calling card to talk to people. At any rate I've had a bad feeling and perhaps I let my imagination run wild, however when I called her she would not answer and she told me she was sick yet for the last two nights she has gone out. She stopped wearing her wedding ring. I spoke to her Mom and told her I think she is dating this guy. She called a few times, I didn't answer and then sent me some text about how she is not dating this guy. He is her girlfriend's boyfriend. Regardless, I don't know what to believe anymore and I think it is best if I just don't care otherwise I'm going to keep driving myself nuts. Like I said earlier she has started to lie about stupid things and has done nothing to make me feel secure in the situation, so what am I to think?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## goodmans (Jan 2, 2013)

Bryane,
We are all pulling for you. We feel Your heartfelt sincerity bro.
Here`s a big cathartic... "hang in there!!!"...Why?..bc "Love hopes all things"..Until there`s confirmation/confession of adultery. Or she get`s her act Together..
...You keep working on you. 
Keep consistantly applying what works from 180 principles.You choose. 
i.e.You dont have to do the full Screen-off (That`s for Adultery- collateral damage protection.

Emotionaly speaking...Q;What`s the opposite to Love ?

Hate .................Wrong 

Ans: Indifference

Love and Hate are feellings both stemming from attachment responses. i.e. vulnerabilities. 

Bryne, the folks here..We`re proud of you. A man of integrity.

Keep doing the right thing - sounds doc laura cliche but sincerely (not always the easy thing) Then things will work out .. 

your not alone,.... To Quote the Boss...
Everybodys got a hungry heart...


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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

I was quoting Rush in my comment 

And, I wasn't necessarily talking about you or your wife, just the comment in the thread and who ever it pertained to.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Goodmans, thank you!!! I really needed to hear that. Today, my wife reached out to me again. I noticed it was the first time she didn't say divorce, or it's over, or anything like that. I've been working on myself a lot and I think she is finally starting to take notice of my commitment to her, our marriage, and making things right. 

Her biggest fear is my inability to provide stability. Unfortunately, in the past I wasn't always a shining example of that. I was impulsive and I created many of our problems. I've been working on this in therapy since my first session. As a matter of fact I attribute most of our problems to my impulsive behaviors (allowing myself to use pain medication as an escape from reality). 

Today I let her know that. I also shared with her that I knew if I couldn't fix that within myself that I could never attempt or hope to fix our marriage and that has been why I've been working on myself. Not necessarily for the sake of my marriage, however that I know that they are closely correlated. In other words I needed to fix myself before I could begin to work on fixing our problems. 

She was supportive for the first time since we separated and I really appreciated that. I felt lost for a long time and I feel that this time apart has been both a blessing and a curse. I've found happiness and peace within myself again, however at the expense of being without the person I love. I like when we talk / chat / text and prefer if it happened more often. My priorities are my family and bringing stability back in to our lives.

This hasn't been easy for her either and I know that I still have a long journey ahead, however I feel much better about it now. I gave my wife the book, "Divorce Remedy", after I finished reading it. The book was very insightful to me and I felt she would get a lot out of it too. Perhaps, she is reading it, at least I would like to think she is. I am bound and determined to make myself and my marriage better, whether it be day by day or moment by moment. I'm putting my heart and soul into it. I have faith that we are going to be alright.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I've been meeting many new people lately, it's been nice to enjoy the company of other people. I felt like such a piece of sh1t when my wife first left and my self esteem and self worth were absolutely decimated, however I now seem to be getting a fair amount of attention from the opposite sex. I guess I never payed attention to it before because I gave all my attention to my wife; I was oblivious to other woman for the most part. My self worth and self esteem are back, I now feel good about myself both mentally and physically. People say I'm a fairly attractive, in good shape, and an intelligent & witty guy. Although, I am 39, I look like I am 10 to 6 years younger.

I struggle with wanting companionship and friendship since I am lonely, however I don't want to date other woman because I want my marriage to work. I would not want my wife dating other men either. This happens to be one of the most frustrating aspects of this whole situation. I'm not sure where my breaking point is in this whole thing. No sex, no consistent love, nominal affection, lack of companionship, etc... I want and desire all these things yet I am getting next to nothing. I also know that if I do cross that line, I will never want to go back to my wife, I would feel too guilty if and when we are able to reconcile.

How do others deal with this? What is your take? What do you do when you feel this way?

Let me add to this, when I spoke to a friend and asked for his advice he gave me this analogy: "Your wife took her car and left it running and unlocked in the middle of the road. Eventually, someone is going to get inside and take it for a ride.", He suggested I go out, have a great time and don't feel guilty.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Well I am pulling for you. You will know when u have had enough. I just feel that if two people really want a shot at repairing the marriage it takes two people working through the problems together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

@ Lee you are suggesting I go out with other woman too? Do I tell my wife that I decided to date other woman if I do decide to go out with other woman?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I am not telling u anything. I am saying u will know when u have had enough of this waiting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I know your not telling me anything, I am asking for advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I just feel from the outside she gives u just enough to keep u waiting. To me when two people are married and there are problems u should be working on them together . I feel living apart just makes it easier to walk away and one gets use to living on there own. I am not a runner I don't run from problems like my spouse, not sure I can ever forgive that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I agree with you, she does give me just enough, so that I continue to hang on. Which in itself tells me she is afraid to loose me as well. Yet the fact that she doesn't make a commitment to moving forward also tells my she is willing to take that risk. This has been going on far too long and I am truly sick of it. I can go out with other woman and exhibit enough self control to leave it purely platonic, however that would be like torturing myself even more. I also realize from the outside or her perspective it might look like I just don't care about repairing the relationship and I am moving on, which isn't the case either. I guess that's where my confusion lies.

I know deep down in my opinion the right thing would be to continue doing what I am doing, and lead by my actions. I know I can keep myself on a platonic level with other woman, however I don't want that to be misconstrued if I was to meet someone for drinks or dinner. I'm just getting so fvcking frustrated with this whole damn situation. It is pure misery and hell. I desire company, friendship, and intimacy, however friendship and companionship are most important. I can wait for my wife with regards to intimacy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Just saying I would think she needs to spend time with u so she could see some of the changes u have made. I don't have a good feeling about the calling card stuff or the blocked number.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

She left your marriage a LONG TIME AGO!


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

DavidWYoung said:


> She left your marriage a LONG TIME AGO!


It's been less than 2 months???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

bryane said:


> It's been less than 2 months???
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She may have physically left 2 months ago but could have been longer that she emotionally left.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

She wrote me this email 2 weeks before she left:

Hey Love,

How are you? 

As I am sitting at work and thinking about all the things you have expressed to me. I am deeply saddened to know how you truly feel. I feel as there is not much I can do, but at the same time I want to do everything that I can and more. I really want to get back to that place when we could not keep our hands off each other. Is it possible? 

I am really missing us. Do you think we could do something together Friday evening?

I Love you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## goodmans (Jan 2, 2013)

Stay strong Bryane,
Keep consistant. Don`t blow it..you are learning patience through endurance...building your character on integrity !.
This IS your FIX ... Mr fix it!

Feed off the love/company and support from family and friends Safer than partying strangers(playing with fire)... Telephone them..It`s good to talk.
One warning ..dont ask for their advice ..only support.
Reason: no objectivity. 
(They will be bias/steered by sentiment)

You are steering your ship very nicely.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

goodmans said:


> Stay strong Bryane,
> Keep consistant. Don`t blow it..you are learning patience through endurance...building your character on integrity !.
> This IS your FIX ... Mr fix it!
> 
> ...


I agree!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

goodmans said:


> Stay strong Bryane,
> Keep consistant. Don`t blow it..you are learning patience through endurance...building your character on integrity !.
> This IS your FIX ... Mr fix it!
> 
> ...


@ Goodmans, thank you once again. I knew the right answer all along, just as you gave the correct advice. I needed to rant, gripe, complain, and test my sense of direction I suppose. This has been wearing on me mentally and emotionally. I never wanted to join a monestary, or would choose to become a celibate hermit by choice. This lifestyle change has not been an easy journey. I feel it has become something of an epoch. A sabbatical into the unknown for me. I can't wait till I see land again... For now; ahoy matey, much gratitude 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I think if you did some soul searching you will find the right answer your are looking for. She has to be willing to meet you half way....


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I went out tonight with a friend and a very wealthy friend of his from Europe. It's driving me nuts!!! Although we had a great dinner and we are having a good time the fact that I've stopped to write this only shows how much I miss my wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

bryane said:


> She wrote me this email 2 weeks before she left:
> 
> Hey Love,
> 
> ...



Ya well...I had awesome sex with my husband... once we were done...got into a tiff after ward because I wanted to 'talk' about something on my mind that hurt...and he was out the door and he never came back...

After two months...in my opinion because you 'do' have communication with your wife...I'd ask her to sht or get off the pot and move from there. 

I'm backed into a corner...it's 'clear' what my ex wants..."I" of course have to be the one to 'do it' because I do everything...


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Listening to, "Save the World"' by the Swedish House Mafia... Every time I hear this song I think of her. I really think I'm loosing it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Stella that was my plan on the 10th.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

bryane said:


> Stella that was my plan on the 10th.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Dude..all I'm sayin' is you deserve some dang answeres...your not a yoyo...


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I think you deserve some answers. I am truly sorry u are in so much pain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

How are you doing today?


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

@ Lee... I'm doing good! She Skyped chatted me again, however I'm beginning to realize I am starting to become fed up with her and her BS. All she seemed interested in was whether I found a new job and if I was going to pay the car insurance. Made me feel real special & important..... lol. 

I deserve better than to be treated like the only thing I'm good for is to pay bills. Her focus seemed to only be about my financial situation, a picture I had of myself online was too provocative, and I jump to conclusions and call people that I shouldn't. 

I told her I don't care who she calls or what she does anymore; she can do whatever she wants. When I cared and worried all it did was take me to bad places in my mind and I would rather not bother to worry and stress myself out over things I have no control over and for a person that does bot seem to care about me the way I want to be cared for anyways. I'd rather be happy and focus on myself and making my life better.

I'm starting to let go completely and come to terms that whatever happens is really not up to me and there really is nothing more I can do without her desire and effort in regards to fixing our marriage. I'm just going to live my life and worry about me from now on, I deserve to be be loved and treated with affection the way I need and want. I have value and worth and bring so much more to the table than what she apparently gives me credit for any longer and or perceives.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I am guessing you pay all the bills?
Got lost on the picture thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Yes I pay the bills. The big picture in a nutshell is that I have begun to detach myself and not give care anymore because I feel I should be loved regardless pf money. If the only purpose I serve is to pay for things then I am not interested in that kind of "love". What my income might be should have no major bearing on the health of our relationship and dictate the amount of affection or love in my opinnion. Pardon my crass attitude, however I want real love and not the kind that has to be bought.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## goodmans (Jan 2, 2013)

Bryane,
You have read up well on some Marriage self help stuff.
Even though your Wife refused pro counseling, how`s about offering something that you`ve read/benefited from. 
If served up/offered "like apples of gold on silver carvings"(i.e.At the right time) Also,tactfully and Lovingly.
This could give her insight , which would aid her in expressing herself with intelectual+Emotional HONESTY
+open up constructive dialogue.

As you must realize now- you cannot change her.She has to do that.

Still..You can Lead a horse to water....Worth a try?


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Goodmans, I read several books and the one that I found most insightful was, "Divorce Remedy". I've given this book to my wife last week. I have no clue if she has opened it or thrown it in the trash. I have no idea if she cares to drink the cool aid or go straight for the Jim Jones aftermath.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I take it you are not having a good day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

No, I'm having a good day. I've been going out, meeting new people and enjoying life for the most part. I just left therapy and I feel good about myself and how healthy I've started to become. I feel sad that I've been detaching myself from the situation, however I no longer know how to deal with it in any other terms.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

That is one if the reasons that I feel a seperation in two different houses is not a good idea!
I am glad u are having a good day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Lee, I've tried, I've done everything I know how to do and then I went and learned knew things and tried them as well. What more can be expected of me?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I know you have tried. I am just saying what I said about our spouses concerning the separations. You don't have a choice anymore. You have bettered yourself, you have tried to make your marriage work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

You know, I'm still willing to try and make my marriage work, I haven't given up on us and ultimately that is what I still want. It's been a long journey, however once I started to begin opening myself up to the world and other people again I started to realize that I am going to be alright with this and life will be good no matter what. If I end up divorced, I will only be lonely because of my own choice to choose to be. In other words it is very comforting to know I still possess all the same characteristics and qualities that caused my wife to love me in the first place, plus I have the added benefit of acquiring even more positive attributes since she left. Regardless, whether or not she no longer appreciates these traits I've had my eyes opened to the fact that many other woman readily do appreciate who I am and would be happy to have me as part of thier life if I should choose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

You are doing what you need to do! I wish I had more time for myself but my girls need me a lot lately! 4 year old does not leave my side for more then 15 minutes, so ready for her to start school.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## goodmans (Jan 2, 2013)

Bryane,
Perhaps your Wife is a social media junkie caught up in emotional immorality.She knows your libido strength..so she`s Waiting for YOU to make a move on someone (adultery) so she can then justify herself...
After all you have both told each other "Adultery would be the FINISH ". 
Just a thought..As your Wife blows Warm"enough" to arouse interest then cold "enough" to frustrate!

Stay on guard..keep your balance..you can see this through. Just take it one day at a time Soldier!


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## goodmans (Jan 2, 2013)

Bryane.
Be assured
The truth always has a way of coming out in the end.

You`ve manned up well so far, hang in there!

"Immature people ask for life to meet their demands"
" Mature people meet the demands of life!"


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

@ Goodmans, I agree, however whatever her reasoning or excuse is, it does not justify the behavior. I've been abandoned and forsaken by my wife and this was done by her own "CHOICE"; she has exercised her own free will and chose this situation over us being together. I never abandoned her or our marriage by making a a cognizant decision to do so and would NEVER do that unless the reasons were justifiably correct and even then I would still have much trepidation and at the very least want to talk about it and give her an opportunity to try and resolve whatever problems or issues there was.

She still refuses to make any effort to resolve our marital issues. We still have not communicated constructively about the situation. I have no clue as to where I stand and her lack of decision or indifference is a choice in itself. Whatever emotional affair she might or might not be having, she made those choices. I am not weak and know I would never allow that to happen to myself and risk destroying my marriage. She left over 2 months ago now, I haven't so much as even touched another woman in an intimate manner other than her since the day we got married, I might even go a step further and say this holds true since our first date.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I can say I have never been with anyone except my husband and that has been my choice! I made a commitment and I take that to heart!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## goodmans (Jan 2, 2013)

Bryane,
hats off to you. True to your vows ..and Lee respect to you both in this sick world that trashs marriage.
Bryane, sorry to put a spanner of suspicion in my comments. Nothing is verified yet.
The demise of a relationship obviosly doesn`t happen over night. both parties share responsibility for communication break down.
everyone is imperfect
However Emotional and/or Physical Immorality are a whole separate ball of wax. 
i


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

@ Goodmans tonight I went with a female "FRIEND" to the movies. Let me tell you that this was the first time I've done anything like this since I've been married and I felt sick to my stomach. I didn't do anything wrong and our relationship is strictly platonic however I still felt guilty for trying to enjoy myself while in the company of another woman. The whole night I kept thinking of my wife and wishing she was with us or me. We saw, "This is 40' ", and I had to get up in the middle of the movie and call a male friend to meet with us in order for me to feel more comfortable. The movie reminded me of my own situation and made me feel extremely sad and uncomfortable. Given that this was supposed to be a comedy and cheer me up; I wasn't too happy, it was way too emotional for me. It is sad that I can't even enjoy myself with someone on even a platonic level due to my current situation. I really have to still force myself to do things and when I end up feeling the way I did it only reinforces how I've felt all along. I pray for this to end soon and I really hope that the truth comes out as you say it will. I'm really not happy where I'm at with any of this and I miss my wife extremely. I'm really at a loss as what to do anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## goodmans (Jan 2, 2013)

Bryane,
You live and learn Soldier. 
There`s a time and place for everything.
These are times for self preservation/renewal.
Not self pity/torture.
It`s really good that you are still socializing. You have strength of character. This is a huge strength you have (Many isolate under your circumstances..}. Talking of help..."More happiness in giving than receiving"...can you volunteer your skills to help others more i.e. watersports training..Help a friend d.i.y project. 
You know your "Achillies"..Only choose Male or mixed company.from friends or family.
Dont torture yourself. 
Stay strong Keep busy.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Goodmans I think that is a great idea. Maybe I'll volunteer somewhere today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

bryane said:


> @ Goodmans tonight I went with a female "FRIEND" to the movies. Let me tell you that this was the first time I've done anything like this since I've been married and I felt sick to my stomach. I didn't do anything wrong and our relationship is strictly platonic however I still felt guilty for trying to enjoy myself while in the company of another woman. The whole night I kept thinking of my wife and wishing she was with us or me. We saw, "This is 40' ", and I had to get up in the middle of the movie and call a male friend to meet with us in order for me to feel more comfortable. The movie reminded me of my own situation and made me feel extremely sad and uncomfortable. Given that this was supposed to be a comedy and cheer me up; I wasn't too happy, it was way too emotional for me. It is sad that I can't even enjoy myself with someone on even a platonic level due to my current situation. I really have to still force myself to do things and when I end up feeling the way I did it only reinforces how I've felt all along. I pray for this to end soon and I really hope that the truth comes out as you say it will. I'm really not happy where I'm at with any of this and I miss my wife extremely. I'm really at a loss as what to do anymore.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You are better then I cause I am no where ready to try and do something like that. H has the flu and I feel so bad that he is over at his apartment all alone and sounds like crap, and I feel bad that I am not there to help him or make sure he is taking his meds... why does it bother me so much?


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

@ Lee because for the first things my thepapist suggested for me to do was get involved with doing things for myself that make me happy and socializing. When I locked myself away in my home all day I would constantly obsess in an unhealthy manner on my relationship with my spouse, instead of focussing on me and making myself better. I have to force myself most of the time, however it does take my mind off of all the craziness I would put myself through in the beginning and slowly but surely I would start to smile and laugh again. Once this started to happen I knew I was on a good path to finding peace and happiness in myself again. 

Finding happiness in yourself is probably the most important step towards breaking the cycle of negative behaviors. Once I was able to do that, I was much better prepared in the process of making changes in my own life to begin a constantly evolving process of improving and bettering myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I get what you are saying about what makes you happy and socializing but the movies is not near the top of my list. I agree that getting out of the house and staying busy helps to get your mind off of the present situation.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

On January 12th at approx 6pm our beloved dog became extremely ill. When I initially told my wife she thought I was exaggerating the situation. I finally got it through to her that it was an emergency she agreed to meet me at the animal hospital. When I arrived at the animal hospital with him I was rushed to the emergency surgery center where in turn they hurried me out of the room. I was escorted to an examining room where I was handed stacks of paper to fill out and wait until they were able to stabilize our dog. 

My wife arrived shortly thereafter we awaited together for some news of what was going on. My friend as well as her friend arrived in a sign of support to us. They knew how much our dog meant to us. The veterinarian came out covered in blood with devastating news. He told us that there was nothing he could do. The surgery was not successful and that our dog had lost over 4 liters of blood. I instantly went into a state of shock; I begged and pleaded with the veterinarian to do whatever it took. Just do something to save our dog. He didn't seem optimistic however agreed and then walked away. Tears started to stream down my eyes and my wife's as well.

She got angry and started to accuse me that it was my fault. Everything was now gone and destroyed from our former lives together. This sent me into a rage inside myself, however I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of knowing how badly what she just said hurt me; while in reality I wanted to cause her as much hurt and pain that she caused me over the last two months including that moment and condense it all in to an all powerful personal assault, but I couldn't. I neither had it in me, nor could see the point of making her suffer any worse. Apparently, both our friends admonished her for what she was doing as I walked away to be alone in my own state of shock and grief.

I'm not too sure as to the specifics of what happened, however what seemed like an eternity later the veterinarian surgeon came back out and said miraculously our dog took a turn for the better. I felt hope, we all felt hope again and a sense of relief. I told the surgeon to go back inside and do whatever was necessary and to stop wasting his time with us. He readily agreed. 

My wife came to me and took my hand, we walked for a moment and them she apologized. She hugged me and I hugged her back. I said I wanted our dog to live, I wanted us to be alright, and I couldn't take this anymore. We remained in each others arms for a few more moments until we were able to gather ourselves into a presentable state and walked back towards our friends that were there for our support. From this point forward we were there for one another, we were partners and a team again. My Mother In Law arrived shortly thereafter as well as one hery MIL's close friends.

We waited comforting one another for what seemed like an eternity; waiting on the surgeon to present the news that our dog was finally stable again. This happened at around 11:00pm. We all went inside to a small examining room. The surgeon couldn't answer any questions as to what happened to our dog with any certainty, however he told us that our dog was stable, they had to remove his spleen and give him several blood transfusions. He told us we could see him; he was doing better. Honestly at that time that was all that mattered anyways, I wanted for our dog to pull through. We started planning how we were going to care for him in his recovery and there was a general sense of optimism again.

We all took our turns loving on our dog, he was unconcious, however I believe we all felt that he could sense our presence and love. He was a remarkably intuitive creature and very loved by all that met him.

My wife invited me back to her home where she is loving with my MIL where we had dinner and tried to get some rest. My phone rang at 2:22am, it was the anamil hospital. They told me that our dog slipped into cardiac arrest. I knew that he wasn't going to make it however I once again pleaded and begged with them to do whatever they could. My wife came out of the bedroom, she knew from the look on my face and immediately began crying. Eight minutes later the animal hospital called again to let me know he had passed away.

My wife and I held each other all night and comforted one another. When we awoke we went to church that morning, it is the Old Russian New Year's. We prayed seperately and then went to see our dogs remains; he was like our child in many ways. This led to many emotional break downs on both our parts, however I was determined to remain strong. 

We went back to my house, we looked for poisons or anything our dog could've gotten in to; there was nothing. We then went to the neighbor's home that had found him barely alive hidden by her bushes. She comforted us; she let us know that we loved him and that we did everything we could for him. She also said that our dog was perfectly healthy moments before he collapsed.

I've spent the last few days with my wife I know she loves me just as much as I love her. She is afraid, she knows if we divorce I will never speak to her again I'd consider that the ultimate betrayal. She is also afraid that I will not be able to provide her stability and that my impulsive behaviors would destroy us. Only she knows what she can handle or what is going to happen. I love her with my heart, body, and soul. I don't see myself with anyone else and I'm willing to do whatever I can within myself to show her that I am that person that can provide her what she is looking for. I told her I have only one expectation of her and that was honesty. I told her how much I love her. I also told her that I will sign divorce papers if that is what she wants, however there will be repercussions and I will not be in any part of her life. I think she has some fantasy that if we get divorced, that we will remain friends and eventually reconcile. This will NEVER happen. There is certain things I know about myself; this is why I've continued on as if I were married and continue to honor my vows despite our being separated. I know if certain lines are crossed neither of us would be able to recover or turn back. Infidelity and divorce being the two that top my list.

It is horrible and tragic that it took our dog's death to finally bring us together, maybe he knew. Perhaps, his death was to serve a greater purpose? Regardless, I will always cherish the time I had with him, I will honor him, and I will never forget him. R.I.P. Capone, we love you; hopefully we will see you again someday....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I am so sorry to hear about your dog. I am praying for some peace for you and your wife. I am praying for y'all. Please try not to read in to things to much
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

@ Lee I don't read into things too much, however it would be in my opinion completely ignorant for me to not notice the obvious. I appreciate your prayers and the bottom line is it rests on me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I am not tying to upset you I am just saying... You both are really raw with the death and I just dont want to see you get hurt. Just alot of emotions running right now...Sorry if I upset you.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

@ Lee, you didn't upset me one iota. Although, you are right about emotions being raw, I'd like to think that I know my wife very well still. Despite what is going on I can tell where her head is at.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## goodmans (Jan 2, 2013)

Bryane,

Sorry to hear about your Dog.
I miss my old buddy (Benson - a rotweiller). They say;Half the population of the world has a pet at home.
The relationship between humans and their pets is often described by psychologists as a simple one—free of the complications that people experience in dealing with each other and full of unconditional love. This can often make the grieving process more intense when a pet dies. A pet is a constant companion, and facing its loss can be devastating.
Bryane,You were there in his,and your Wife`s hour of need. There was nothing more you could do in circumstances beyond your control.
Do you have any photos of Capone you could post somewhere for us to see?


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

@ Goodmans, thank you so very much. Here is a link to one of his photo's :

Picasa Mobile
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## goodmans (Jan 2, 2013)

Wow ! such a cute little fellow.With his bandhana.
I,m sure he had a Happy life. Well Loved by the look of his alert Happy face.
Bryane, thanks so much for sharing Capone.
You gave him a good life.
Bryane, you know I mentioned in counseling; "There`s a time and a place for everything". Well this would be a good time to pray to God. To offload some grief.
You are in my prayers also buddy.

"This too shall pass"
(shakespeare)


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

@ goodmans, thank you, however I wonder if we are looking at the same picture? I sent a link to a picture of my dog at the beach; sans bandana. You are right with regards to prayers...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Today, I went on a few interviews. I think I might have landed a good job. The company is known for being stable and caring about its emoyees. I might not make the most money, however that isn't my primary concern. "Quality of Life", I feel is much more important than two or three thousand dollars more a month. The events that I have experienced over the course of the last few years have really opened my eyes to what is truly important to me.

I have changed my thought processes and habits drastically. At the core I am still the same person, however how I perceive, process, and interpret life's existence has caused a maturity within myself. Coming to terms with the fact that "I" was my own worst enemy and that "I" am the one that is essentially completely responsible for where I am at today was a difficult reality to accept. I believe that this is something as humans we all know, however for some reason we always ignore. It is infinitely easier to blame or become a victim than to own your own actions and take responsibility. 

My wife and I went to dinner last night. I was nice to finally have a constructive conversation about our relationship. I know where she stands; it's either fix myself or divorce. Fortunately, I've used the time we have had apart constructively. She asked if I knew why she left, and I was able to answer the question correctly. It was me, my own impulsive and negative habits; I forced her into a position where she felt she had no other choice. I wanted it the easy way, I wasn't willing to put in the work on myself and for many years I showed a pattern of behaviors that were not healthy. I asked why she didn't talk to me; she knew I wouldn't listen. I asked her why she didn't force me to listen, however in actuality she did, she forced me the only way she knew how. She knew I wouldn't listen any other way and that if I truly loved myself and her that I would figure it out.

I told her I was not angry, and that I understand. She gets frustrated when I talk in terms of "us" at times and "our" future. She is wary of me, she knows I'm intelligent and can manipulate situations with ease. I need to show her my actions and behaviors are not only real and genuine, but that they are permanent as well. I need to earn her trust and respect back. Only I can fix this, and although it takes two to make or break a relationship, it is me that holds all the cards this time. She did what she had to do and now it is my turn to step to the plate and be the man I should have been all along. 

I found this quote that seemed to befitting:

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” 
― Paulo Coelho

I've been clear in my intentions, feelings, and actions and I know without a doubt that only I can make my marriage the best marriage possible because I know I made the right choice and married the best person for me. I love my wife with my heart, body, and soul, I love myself just the same, now is the time to put in the work necesarry because there are no short-cuts or easy ways to anything that holds any real value.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## goodmans (Jan 2, 2013)

Bryane,
Ooops sorry, I was looking at a little white scottie dog on Picasso`s front page.
I tried signing up/in but no reslts.
Suggestion: Could you upload a pic to your user name on this web site? (just go to User cp (control panel). settings and options/edit avatar.


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## goodmans (Jan 2, 2013)

Bryane.
Great to hear your back up on your feet after this last blow regarding your dog.
You sound more determined than ever to go the distance!
Relationships obviously dont break down over night. So it stands to reason the repair job can take time.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Bryane,

I am praying for you and your wife. I hope that you two can find your way back to one another before it is too late. As for me the only out come is D. He no longer is the man that I feel inlove with. He has emotionally checked out... I still pray that he finds so sort of peace from all of this.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

@ Lee, Thank G-d, I married a good person. I was just telling a mutual friend of ours how I wish I could snap my fingers like the character Samantha Stevens from the old sitcom, "Bewitched". Then everything would fall right back in to place as it should, however I know I have to earn my wife's trust and respect back before I can expect too much from her. 

I am home alone at the moment and between the void of our dog passing and her leaving it is extremely difficult on me. I want to call her, however I don't want to put any pressure on her either. This is just a rotten situation all the way around and I just have to "Man Up", and deal with it. Regardless, the nights we slept together; I slept more peacefully then I have in months. I believe she mentioned she did as well despite the circumstances.

I appreciate your prayers and I know that in the end everything will be alright between us. What we share just doesn't disappear or go away. I have to prove to that I can provide the stability that I didn't provide her when I was acting so immature and impulsive especially during the height of my addiction. I know I have the desire, will, and strength to see this through it's just a matter of time and patience. It all falls on me and my decisions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Bryane you situation strikes home with me in so many ways. I am also my own worst enemy and have faced up to that at last after so long running from the fact.

My have my best wishes. I hope you pull through this a stronger happier person. The only thing she can do is want you to succeed, like you say the rest is on you but you seem to be doing great in that direction.


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## goodmans (Jan 2, 2013)

KC..I Agree. Well said.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

@ KC, thank you for your support. I too ran from my problems, it was the easy way through life. I believed my own lies because I made good money. My financial success and ability to earn above average income inflated my ego and gave me the false sense of superiority. I used this as justification for my behaviors; I acted on the outside most of the time like an arrogant prick; I behaved as if I was above certain people and situations. Remarkably, I have many redeeming qualities that were my saving graces. I was generous with everyone and anyone, I had in the past and always will have a huge heart, I am loyal, sentimental and sincere with the people close to me. I will go the extra mile to show people I care and I have integrity. I am cautious with other people's feelings however I'm not afraid of taking risks with my own emotions.

It's almost ironic that I am where I am today. Life keeps throwing hurdles at me and in the past I would get angry, blame, project, play victim, and feel sorry for myself. Now, I look inwards, I look at myself. I accept responsibility for my behaviors, decisions, and actions and feel that everything is a consequence or reaction to my indiscretions or attributes. I focus on making the best possible decisions for all parties involved as opposed to taking the path of least resistance; even if it isn't the easiest or fastest solution. Nothing in life meaningful comes easy, It takes work, regardless of how others perceive it. Being able to happy with your choices, while others perceive your actions as if they were natural and fluid regardless of the amount of inner struggle is now one of the ways I would define true success.

I believe now having the foresight to think my actions through as opposed to making emotional decisions or being impulsive is a characteristic I am proud to have regained. Things now take on so much more meaning and purpose. Floating through life aimlessly is such a waste when you have the opportunity to make the best possible life for yourself and others.

I am disappointed in myself for allowing things get to the point where they are in order to learn this. The pain of changing was far surpassed by the pain of allowing things to continue the way they were. The biggest struggle I now have is making this happen under the timeline I want it to. I guess the analogy of turning a freighter ship comes to mind. It takes time and patience.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Indeed. As I posted to myself. Baby Steps.


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## goodmans (Jan 2, 2013)

Bryane,
Nice positive balanced views you have. Keep looking in the mirror daily,` A Neck up-Check up`+ Positive affirmations.

You sound a lot stronger.
We know you still very much WANT to be back with your wife, but now it seems your keeping your NEEDY/desparate side in check. 
well done!


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

@ Goodmans, somebody gave me this quote, "You can not make someone love you, all you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.". I want my wife so badly on every level, however I know that when she is ready she will come to me. You have no idea how much I appreciated the time we spent together and how grateful I am that we are communicating again. Even under the most horrible of circumstances of our dog passing away we were there for one another; it brought us closer together and made me realize how much more I value my wife and our marriage. There really isn't a more perfect match for me; my wife is my one and only. 

Yes, I want more from her and I need more from her, however I also know that pushing her is not the answer, only patience and unconditional love for her is what I feel is the correct way to handle the present situation. I feel at the moment the best thing for me to do is to work on myself and get our lives stable again. My inability to be responsible with pain medications created the majority of this mess, so I know only I can fix it. I am ready to have her back in my life and I want her back in my life emotionally, sexually, mentally and in every other way (eapecially the sexually part), although I know she will come to me when she is ready and feels comfortable.

I wish there was more I could do to speed things up, however I can patient for now. I feel I really have no other choice if I want my marriage to work and obviously that is what I really want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## goodmans (Jan 2, 2013)

Cool Bryane,
You were lost at sea,over these 2 months.
But now you`ve spotted the lighthouse.
Keep turning that ship around buddy!
One day at a time Captain! 

[email protected] have become very invested in your struggles/challenges and wish nothing but the best for you.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Today has been particularly hard; I have my moments when I really struggle to remain positive and happy. The empty void in my life where my wife and dog once filled seems overwhelming today. I text or chat on line with my wife every day, however I really miss her and wanted her company today. I invited her to the movies, she declined. I then invited her to dinner, she also declined again. Finally, I let her know that I wanted to spend time together and that she has an open invitation. I don't know how to ask her to spend time with me or completely express my feelings to her without risking overwhelming or pressuring her. I hate feeling all these apprehensions and I wish I knew how to make her feel comfortable enough to want to spend her free time with me. I wonder on days like today if this is just going to go on forever like this? Will she ever have the ability, capacity, and desire to openly love me again? I really miss the simplest of things that we shared together; most importantly just spending time alone and enjoying each other's presence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

bryane said:


> Today has been particularly hard; I have my moments when I really struggle to remain positive and happy. The empty void in my life where my wife and dog once filled seems overwhelming today. I text or chat on line with my wife every day, however I really miss her and wanted her company today. I invited her to the movies, she declined. I then invited her to dinner, she also declined again. Finally, I let her know that I wanted to spend time together and that she has an open invitation. I don't know how to ask her to spend time with me or completely express my feelings to her without risking overwhelming or pressuring her. I hate feeling all these apprehensions and I wish I knew how to make her feel comfortable enough to want to spend her free time with me. I wonder on days like today if this is just going to go on forever like this? Will she ever have the ability, capacity, and desire to openly love me again? I really miss the simplest of things that we shared together; most importantly just spending time alone and enjoying each other's presence.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why dont you ask her to go with you to get another dog?


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> Why dont you ask her to go with you to get another dog?


fail - the last thing they need is more emotional stress.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

The last thing I want to do right now is purchase another dog. I am not emotionally ready nor do I have enough stability and comfort within my current situation to take on the responsibility. Eventually, I'll probably get another dog, however now is not the time. 

About a week ago I started a daily habit of sending my wife quotes about something that either I felt pertinent or touches me in a way that brings enlightenment, happiness, joy, or pleasure. She seems to appreciate it and its my way of saying I'm thinking of you and I love you without necessarily saying those things directly. It keeps me reading inspirational and motivational things as well as it helps me keep a positive mindset. it also seems to bring a smile to her face, which in turn makes me happy. Today I added that it would bring a smile to my entire being if we were to spend some time together. As I mentioned earlier I know things take time, however I am ready for more and want more. 

I went on a second job interview this morning and it seemed very promising. They want me to follow up with them on Friday. I make an effort on a daily basis towards working on my goals. Some days I feel like I accomplish a lot and other days I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. So far today I feel like not much has been accomplished. I really want the best for myself and the people in my life. I know I slipped and fell very hard and very low and it is going to take considerable effort on my behalf to get things back to where I want them. After all the bad news lately, It would be nice to catch a break.

I found this really cool iphone app called Everest. It allows you to set goals, break them down into smaller steps, and sends you daily reminders of what you need to do in order to accomplish what you want in order to obtain your goals. Needless to say this has helped me; I wanted to share it with everyone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## goodmans (Jan 2, 2013)

Bryane,
Your ship is heading back to shore buddy, keep a grip -
Your Head has to rule your heart!
Emotionally/realistically speaking;There will be choppy weather some times. Some times calmer..Just keep applying all the stabilizing strategies you have learned ..Taking one day at a time!(in stormy times-one hour @ Time)

I notice Bryane, you are obviously an intelligent, articulate man. You are also loquacious (gift of gab) all good gifts.
However, keep in mind ;
Actions will always speak louder than words,
in the end. 


p.s. Like the sound of that app...any more details/link


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

@ Goodmans, Thank you! For some reason I always interpeted loquacious as having a negative connotation; more like a loose lipped chatterbox. However, I'm assuming you meant it in an endearing or kind fashion. 

I have a grip on myself. I wouldn't send the quotes if my wife hadn't expressed her appreciation for them. I also believe that if you don't knock nobody is going to open the door. She texts me on a daily basis and I know that despite her fears she loves me and wants me to fix myself and our marriage.

I want to spend time with her and seeing her happy brings me enormous pleasure. I struggle with how to show her through my actions anymore than what I am currently. I feel it is time that we both are ready for more from eachother, however she has her fears and I am nervous as to whether to take it further than I am currently or to risk pushing her which I don't want to do. I suppose that is where my inner turmoils are in regards to the situation. She has always been one that likes for a man to take control. For example here is a portion of our last text messages.

Her: By any chance did u drop off my dress at the cleaners ?

Me: Yes, I dropped it off, it will be ready on Tuesday. I love when you wear that dress. When I saw it on the mannequin I knew it would look beautiful on you; that was one of the reasons I bought it for you. : ) People tend to often compliment me on my voice, however we always seem to text. Do you dislike my voice? 

Her: Thank u. You have a very nice voice 

Me: Well that very nice voice has a very wonderful guy attached to it. That guy would be absolutely ecstatic if you'd spend some time with him. He would be willing to do whatever makes you smile. I know this because he told me when he sees you smile it makes him very happy. And Thank you! I was starting to think you thought I sounded like a male version of Fran Drescher.

Her: 

I was thinking to call, however again I don't want to push. BTW this conversation took place a few minutes ago...

Here is a link to the app: Everest - Live your dreams and achieve personal goals
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Leave it in her court IMO. You have made it clear where you stand. If she isn't slamming the door shut that's fantastic. Don't rush it though.

I told Mrs.C. that I want to earn her trust, respect and affection back and that I lover her very much. That "she is now open to working on us but we are not back together" is a massive step from "I dont see us ever back together". 

Now I am scared though. I am scared of pushing too fast. I get regular company from her which is great but it makes it hard to hold back even though I know she isn't ready for any more than what we have now.

I am also scard of not doing enough in fear of going too fast heh. I am doing my best to show I am being responsible and attentive, keeping my promises and being there for her, without pushing "my agenda". I am also scared she is just delaying the inevitable so trying very hard to keep the little detachment I have achieved. I have to keep working on me FOR ME. Same for you my man.

I really would err on the slow but sure side. I know it's hard to reign yourself in but don't freak her out now your making progress. Before bed tonight I told Mrs.C I would love to talk abut how we move forward whenever you are ready - now I need to take my own advice and give her the time and space she needs to process what is or isn't going to happen.

Pff ta lot about my situation but hey, our boats are looking remarkably similar right now.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

K.C. said:


> I told Mrs.C. that I want to earn her trust, respect and affection back and that I lover her very much. That "she is now open to working on us but we are not back together" is a massive step from "I dont see us ever back together".
> 
> Now I am scared though. I am scared of pushing too fast. I get regular company from her which is great but it makes it hard to hold back even though I know she isn't ready for any more than what we have now.
> 
> ...


K.C. You and I seem to share the same apprehensions in many regards and are almost in the same places with our relationships. It's very frustrating to me because despite everything I was always confident in the past. I wasn't ever afraid to put it on the line or making a move so to speak. Now I question my every action, in the end I guess for now it's better to use caution. I suppose if either of us did make a mistake it wouldn't be the end of the world, however I'd rather avoid them (mistakes) if at all possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## goodmans (Jan 2, 2013)

KC,
Good advice...I have been following your posts you show good insight balance and even temperament.

Bryane.."Out of the hearts abundance-the mouth speaks"
I commend you as a magnanimous-big hearted/people person.

I recommend reading through some of KC`s posts.

Regarding actions; Keep up your self improvement strategies+any behaviour modification you need to work on.i.e.What scares her;STOP IT!
Playing donkey with a thesaurus can give insight/intuitively(hit a nail on the head...pick an adjective,good or bad, that you (or she) describes as one of your behaviour/temperament traits..Then check out the synomyms and antonyms.. 

You guys are troopers!


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

@ K.C. Do you mind throwing me a link? Hopefully I could learn from your experiences. 

@ Goodmans Thank you once again for the advice. I'll give the thesaurus / dictionary thing a shot. It's a different approach however its simplicity is beautiful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

My current thread is in my sig fella.

Don't be fooled, I struggle and doubt and generally kick myself for not achieving something I would expect of no one else.

In many ways i feel like the real me looking back at someone else's mistakes. I kind of like that view too. Not because it absolves me of anything I did... I refuse to abdicate blame, but it is helping me separate the past from the present. The person I actually am and used to be, would never put my wife through what I did. Doesn't change the brutal fact though that for a while the person I became did put her through it.

I have taken to thinking of my depressed self as an alter-ego. Jekyll and Hyde if you like. The challenge is to keep Mr Hyde in the box while empowering Dr Jekyll.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Today I've been feeling somewhat down. I feel there has been very little progress in my marriage. Although I try to remain positive, I am starting to feel that our marriage is completely over; that there is no more hope of working anything out. My wife still texts me almost daily, however it's always about superficial things. She claims she is my friend, yet I've had complete strangers act more compassionately.

I don't need nor want her friendship under the present circumstances and terms. I'm sick and tired of the texts. I feel if someone cares they pick up the phone or they see you in person. I want to call her and tell her to stop texting me. I want to tell her that if she doesn't care about our marriage then to just leave me alone, I've had enough. I feel like I give of myself and she readily takes, yet gives very little in return.

I started reading, "THE FOUR AGREEMENTS". Here is a quote from that book:

“If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn't walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don't need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices.” 

I'd have to agree with it...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Bryane,

We all get down sometimes, but I hope that you hold on till you hear her say the word divorce. Keep your head up sir.... 

You have to know that you gave it your all if the time comes...

:smthumbup:


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> Bryane,
> 
> We all get down sometimes, but I hope that you hold on till you hear her say the word divorce. Keep your head up sir....
> 
> ...


Lee, she has said divorce on many occasions; IMHO she has said it out of fear and out of anger. There is no actual documents, and I offered to sign a divorce agreement amicably and file it at the courthouse together if that is what she truly wants, however there has been no mention of it since. Maybe, I'm just having a bad day. I have had a considerable amount of bad news lately and I've been experiencing so many problems. 

Last night I woke up thinking that we will never hold eachother again, we will never make love, or kiss passionately. We will never be friends, or enjoy spending time together. All of our promises will be empty and unfulfilled. That this is going to be permanent and that it is over. This scared me; I wanted her to be there in bed with me. I wanted to know it was just a bad dream, however it's not, it is my present reality and because of this I started to feel really sad and my space filled with more negativeity. I guess that is why I've been upset today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Limbo is a hard place to be
I am routing for you both.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

@ Lee, Thank you 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

We all need someone in our corner! 
I am here for you!
Head up and shoulders back!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Limbo most certainly sucks. 

We both have to remember who has the most to lose. We have both hurt the one we love, however unintentionally. For them to take the step of ending things is actually a very brave and big thing for them. I want to move things so much fatser than my wife does and it is hard to keep a lid on things. I am just grateful there is a chance for us. Maybe you need to focus on that rather than the lack of progress?

I sent my wife a text the other day saying;

"I know letting me back in to your heart would be a risk for you but I am awake now, No more excuses but none will needed. I love you and that is freely given for you to respond however and whenever you choose."

There was more to it after that but the point is, I was bursting with all the things I wanted to say to her, but one of my promises is to move at a pace she is happy with. The text was to show I have not forgot that while showing I don't think my job is done regarding working on things.

It is scary, my wife wants to work on things slowly. But our original issues stem from a lack of affection and emotional support from me.. finding a balance where I show that I will do better on that without forcing the pace is tough. 

The other part is still doing everything to work on me that I intended to before having hope. I can't let my marriage be my whole life again.

I am 100% R is what i want though so am trying to accept most things that are worth it, are hard. First thing you need to do is be honest with yourself about wanting R, if you do, maybe ask to speak t her about how/when you move things forward? 

I don't know, my case seems to be the exception and I am pretty much running on instinct and have ignored lots of good sounding advice.. so take mine with a pinch of salt!


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## betterme (Jan 23, 2013)

i wish my husband will do that also!but none!..bryane i'm really proud of u!your a really man which every woman deserve!sana ako nalang!;(


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## goodmans (Jan 2, 2013)

Bryane,
Keep riding the waves of emotional pain. Remember, the wave goes up-and the wave goes down. i.e.importantly, it`s time limited!
Psychologicaly speaking, Life comes down to one choice;
Love or Fear. And the parallel is;
Pain or Suffering

. When we live with Love. We are approaching the difficult experience/vulnerability and the emotion of being human.
And that`s painful.
The urge is to move away/avoid "Defend against the experience". 
Your past dependancy on drugs comes to mind. (that was fearful..suffering..chronic..avoiding pain.)
Pain or Suffering..We all can choose.
The wonderful thing about feeling the pain of emotion is-when regulated-It is Life affirming and growth promoting..It actually brings us closer to who we are...And takes us to the next place..where we are meant to be!
So there is a purpose to pain.
Bryane,stay true to yourself 
Suffering is everything we do to NOT feel pain...(unending / never free =fear .
So in the choice between Pain and Suffering..Take a deep breath.
As uncomfortable as your situation is. The way you handle things..
THAT IS YOUR CHOICE right there!. 
That is, Love over fear.
That is the loving choice buddy!

The fearful choice would be to try and escape the situation/Truth.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

How are you today?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

@ Goodmans the truth is that my wife made a choice to leave. She has made a choice to point out to me that she doesn't want to work on our marriage and in her opinion it too late. She chose to leave it up to me to play a psychic and figure out what was wrong. She also chooses to avoid me for the most part. She chooses to only text me on A daily basis either because she can't let go yet she isn't willing to risk anything beyond that. She wants me to "fix" things yet she isn't willing to do anything.

@ Lee I feel like a bad country song My wife left, my car broke down, my dog died, I lost my job, etc. It is said that in life you are never given more than you can handle, however I am at my end. My tolerance for any more disasters, life changing events, or emergencies is through the roof. 

The good news is I am meeting many new people and I am starting to develop good friendships. I have three potential job opportunities in the area. I know that once I gain my financial footing again most of my problems will dissipate I've been running a little over 3.75 miles a day for the last few weeks since I quit smoking last month. I feel healthier than I've been in a while and I've been catching up on my reading. I've changed many of my negative habits and replaced them with healthy ones.

I know that marriage, love, and commitment are choices not emotions. With that being said I am aware of my mistakes and my bad habits. I would like to think I've grown as a person and learned from my mistakes. I still honor my vows, yet I'm starting to question why I'm tolerant of my wife's behavior and choices. Why I continue to endure the burden of remaining faithful to someone that in my opinion has been completely irresponsible and reckless with my love.

I can't fix anything beyond fixing myself. The fact that she chooses to avoid any direct contact with me and doesn't wear her ring anymore leads my imagination to run wild at times. I really don't know what to think anymore. My emotional pain and frustrations are starting to tip the scale in the other direction. Maybe it's time I came to terms with the possibility that my marriage is beyond repair and it is really over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

My song is not any better

August seperated- h moved out
August had to file and insurance claim on my house 8000 of damage due to busted pipe
Septemer got laid off
October turned 31
November 10 year anniversary


my song is not any better... trust me.
H took his ring off last week and it tore me apart,,, it was like a stab in the back


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

@ Lee it can't remain bad forever 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

:smthumbup:That is what I am counting on Bryane!:smthumbup:


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

It's a strange thing how the truth eventually always comes out in the end. I'm not sure if it was a PA or an EA or both, regardless I found out my STBXW was having an affair all along. That was my deal breaker. I wish I wouldn't have sat around blaming myself for her infidelity; wasting months away, blaming myself, loosing my job, crying like a child, over analyzing my every mistake, well if you have been following my story....you know. As soon as I sent her a text about it she closed one of the accounts she had been chatting up a storm with her new found friend. He apparently decided to change his account to private. 

I guess at least I worked on myself and I'll be a better person from this no matter what. She'll enjoy whatever it is she thinks she has found and I'm sure it will end poorly.  hahaha Then she will have the same problems in her life repeated over and over until she wakes up and I am mot goong to be there. I can't believe the amount of sacrifices I made for this woman!!! Wow, I'd hate to be on her end of Karma's stick; it's going to be ugly.

Now I know for sure I'm going to start dating and moving on with my life. I can't believe she allowed me to believe it was me this entire time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

That sucks but at least you know now and move out of the Limboville she had you in. 

I didn't see you say how far back it goes?

Regardless if you are happier with the person you are now, it will have worked out I guess. Wish you all the best for YOUR future.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I am so sorry at how this ended for you! You need to look at the bright side of this she has made you a better person! You have to know that you have done everything you could to try to save your marriage! You were willing to work on yourself and make yourself better! You were in in for love and that's all we can ask for. I am proud if the way that you stuck in there and handled yourself that is something to be proud of! You have it your all!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

K.C. said:


> That sucks but at least you know now and move out of the Limboville she had you in.
> 
> I didn't see you say how far back it goes?
> 
> Regardless if you are happier with the person you are now, it will have worked out I guess. Wish you all the best for YOUR future.


It's hard to tell how far back it goes, she works with this guy. I guess I am disgusted the most at people that claimed to be my friend, that knew, yet they never said a word...

I am happier with myself. I've changed quite a bit. I feel like a newer, better, happier, and strangely younger version of my old self. I am enjoying life, however I am disappointed in myself for closing myself off to new relationships as long as I did. I met many beautiful, young, happy, vibrant, intelligent woman that I refused to give a second thought to because I honestly believed that my STBXW was being 100% truthful with me. I made the mistake of openly trusting her despite everything. Shame on me for wanting to listen to my heart and not my head...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> I am so sorry at how this ended for you! You need to look at the bright side of this she has made you a better person! You have to know that you have done everything you could to try to save your marriage! You were willing to work on yourself and make yourself better! You were in in for love and that's all we can ask for. I am proud if the way that you stuck in there and handled yourself that is something to be proud of! You have it your all!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She didn't do anything other than create enormous emotional, mental, and physical suffering and strain upon me that was completely unescesary. I made the changes, I did the work, I made myself a better person. She deserves no credit for anything other than the shame and disgrace she has brought upon herself and us; she gets all the credit in the world for that...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

:iagree:

Spot on Bryane. You can look yourself in the mirror and say you did everything in your power to save your marriage. All the while she didn't even manage honesty. 

I am proud of you making the effort you did, I am even prouder of the way you seem to have come out of it. regardless of past mistakes the man that talks to us on TAM deserves all the happiness he can find.

You know as well as anyone how I still feel about Mrs.C and I say you shouldn't be disappointed with not looking at those women. Your heart was were it was and you were true to it. Another thing to be proud of as far as I can see. 

Now though. Well the future is yours to make what you want of it. :smthumbup:


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

ok. now, no more excuses.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Orpheus, I have no excuses for myself, I feel only anger and relief.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

The STBXW finally just sent me a text. She is trying to play dumb. She writes, "I don't know what it's supposed to mean"...She has had almost 12 hours to form any excuse or to just come clean and be honest. She chose denial.... BZZZ!!! Wrong Answer!!! Seriously, that's was the best she could come up with??? She must think I am a complete moron. I'm not going to bother responding, I've had enough, why validate her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

bryane said:


> It's a strange thing how the truth eventually always comes out in the end. I'm not sure if it was a PA or an EA or both, regardless I found out my STBXW was having an affair all along. That was my deal breaker. I wish I wouldn't have sat around blaming myself for her infidelity; wasting months away, blaming myself, loosing my job, crying like a child, over analyzing my every mistake, well if you have been following my story....you know. As soon as I sent her a text about it she closed one of the accounts she had been chatting up a storm with her new found friend. He apparently decided to change his account to private.
> 
> I guess at least I worked on myself and I'll be a better person from this no matter what. She'll enjoy whatever it is she thinks she has found and I'm sure it will end poorly.  hahaha Then she will have the same problems in her life repeated over and over until she wakes up and I am mot goong to be there. I can't believe the amount of sacrifices I made for this woman!!! Wow, I'd hate to be on her end of Karma's stick; it's going to be ugly.
> 
> ...




How in the world did you find out this info...


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

It's amazing the stupid things people post on the Internet. They think it is private, however if you look hard enough it always comes out. Plus her dishonesty or I should say inability to be transparent about trivial things made it much easier. When you are married to someone you know there habits and idiosyncrasies better than they know themselves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I don't know why I can't seem to shake this heartache. My luck is finally starting to turn around. I landed a very good job; I start next week. I'm healthy and in great physical shape and improving myself on a daily basis. I'm educated, yet continually growing and learning more. I look 10 years younger than my age. I drive a nice car. I have every reason in the world to be happy, however I am so disgusted, hurt, and angry that my STBXW could do this to us. 

She keeps texting me about stupid sh1t, for example: I want to come by and pick up my iPod or Did you know the car insurance payment didn't go through. I don't bother responding anymore, so then she calls, but she will not leave any messages and I won't answer her calls anyways. The only thing I want to hear from her is the truth and an apology. Anything short of that, I dont want to hear. I don't know why she can't leave me alone or why she doesn't understand this. Until then I don't want anything to do with her. I don't want her in my life and I definitely don't want to be her friend. 

It was always obvious to me; we either worked out our problems or we went our separate ways. She said she tried and gave too many chances??? Huh??? Bullsh1t!!! She isolated herself from the relationship, made herself emotionally unavailable to me, and ran away to other people to get her needs met!!! She didn't try sh1t!!! I tried, I know what the word "try" means. I rarely fail when I "try"... I do everything in my powers to succede when I want or attempt something. 

I needed to rant and vent, let it out... I'm so sick of this!!! I hate that I still love someone that was so careless and disrespectful with me and our marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Regardless of how things where prior to the split, you can look yourself in the mirror and say you have tried everything i your power to remedy things since then. It sucks she was stringing you along and not being honest but that doesn't change the fact you can be proud of yourself.

I'm sure you'll be a better guy for the changes you have been making and that is her loss.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

It's been a while since I've posted. Today I sent my STBXW this text:

"Today marks the three-month anniversary of one of the most traumatic events I've yet to experience in my adult life. 

As humans we all have said and done things that we later regret. After three months I've come to the conclusion your choices can profoundly impact the people you swore to love in either a positive or negative way; you can either choose to cause destruction and pain or build and foster the love that we all seek and desire.

There's a fine line between love and hate in any relationship, however in that, there is still hope because there is still emotion. When we reach the point of indifference; that is where all is lost.

I don't know about you, however I have not quite reached the point of indifference yet. All it would take is a simple, "I love you", regardless of its form, you still possess the ability to melt my heart and start the process to reverse the anger, frustration, resentment, and pain you have chosen to inflict upon me.

The door is still open, although only you can choose whether or not you want to walk through it."

Honestly, I don't know what to feel anymore. I believe at this point I'm more angry at myself for making such a bad choice in a partner. I believed she was a better person than what I've recently experienced, maybe I'll be proven wrong, however I guess some people become better and all the while others become worse. I guess I'll know for sure in a few short days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I find it ironic that I named this thread, "What Am I Doing Wrong???". As I signed divorce papers today, I realized I had in fact, really not done anything too terribly wrong. I gave my marriage everything I had, and never gave up on what I felt in my heart was right. I loved my wife as much, if not more than, anyone can love someone. Granted I made mistakes (my choice in partners being the obvious), however in my opinion, you don't abandon your spouse over mistakes without so much as a spoken word or attempting to rectify the situation. 

I feel deep down someday my STBXW will regret her poor choices and bad judgement to impulsively and recklessly abandon our marriage and push so hard for a divorce as opposed to pushing for a resolution. I still to this day have not been informed as to what her reasoning is, as a matter of fact I don't even think she knows herself. What she has done falls outside the boundaries of what any sane healthy person would do. Honesty, would have been appreciated.

I know everything in life happens for a reason and although I still don't understand why this happened; I have no choice other than to accept it at this point. I really wish to thank everyone for their support, help, comments, and suggestions. This website helped me grow as a person immensely and I am very grateful for that. With that being said, I guess I am off to my next adventure in life. I hope my story helps somebody else in some sort of way. This was a terrible and painful journey for me, if my tale helps someone else avoid some of that pain it would serve at least one purpose. We go to court on March 12th and the divorce will be granted and finalized. I wish I could say I don't have any regret, but unfortunately it seems I made a terrible choice in a partner, and with that I do in fact carry 7 years worth of regret.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Grrrr, why is this so hard. I had to get a new phone and every old picture and text message reloaded from an old back up. I have 9 months of texts from her and this just doesn't make any sense to me at all. There is NOTHING, not even so much as a warning sign!!! WTF happened??? Why does this feel so wrong???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Don't let yourself slip back mate.

You have to find a way to continue the self improvement without her as incentive. She doesn't deserve you.

She cheated and lied and then was happy to make you beat yourself up for what she chose to do.

The situation may have done you a favour in that you put all that work in to improve yourself, but she doesn't get credit for that, you do. You just have to get that focus back from her and onto yourself again.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

KC, Thank you, and I will. The phone issue really just through me off for a moment. It's funny but I'm doing better now than I have in a long time on so many levels.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## goodmans (Jan 2, 2013)

Hey Bryane,

Enough of the platitudes already! 

Your a good guy ! Thanks for caring and sharing.

Wishin` you every success...


Here`s a song I dedicate to you my friend....

Jerrod Niemann - Lover, Lover - YouTube


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Wow, it been a while since I've been here. It's now been a little over a year since my ex wife left me and although my life has gone on I still love her. I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking about her. I still want to believe that's this is just a nightmare. I want to wake up find her at my side. It's as if my heart cannot except the reality of the situation. I still feel that we should be together, despite the fact she tells me to move on. This is been a particularly tough week for me. Not only is this the anniversary of the week that she left but it is also the week of my 40th birthday. I still have no closure from my divorce. The only reason my ex gave for the divorce was that she lost respect for me. I was in a very bad place at that particular point in time of my life. Since then I've managed to pick up the pieces and find stability, however I have yet to be able to find anything that can replace the void that she left. I still think of her every day and reflect on our marriage. I know we were going through a tough time financially and my addiction to pain medication spun out-of-control, although we always loved each other or at least I thought we did. I have been off pain medication for a year now. I have found other ways to cope with the pain. I've made so many changes in my life. I am healthier and in better shape than I have been since my teens. I run marathons triathlons obstacle course challenges I kite surf surf swim and run I also go to the gym regularly. I have my own business and I am comfortable financially. I have everything in my life with the exception of my one true love. I wish I knew how to get my heart in sync with my head. I'm going from relationship to relationship disappointing woman after woman because I am still in love with my ex-wife. I really wish I knew what to do. I would give anything to fix my relationship with the person that I was once married to, if in fact that person still exists...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Where have u been!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> Where have u been!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Where have YOU been?!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

ReGroup said:


> Where have you been?!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Off and on, been dating and moving on! Sometimes the boards just bring me down!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> Off and on, been dating and moving on! Sometimes the boards just bring me down!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, you need to be checking in and letting us know you are ok.

(Protective side of me coming out)

Sorry for the thread jack, just been wondering how Lee has been doing for a long time.

Carry on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

ReGroup said:


> Well, you need to be checking in and letting us know you are ok.
> 
> (Protective side of me coming out)
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Been regrouping, getting healthy, putting the pieces back together, and dating...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Amazing to see you pop up again.

Do you think your separation and divorce dragged out because you paid the bills for a long time after she left?

She "lost respect" for you. Did she regain respect for herself?


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## goodmans (Jan 2, 2013)

Hi Bryane ,
Good to hear from you man! Looks like you`ve kept yourself busy. Turning your efforts in on yourself. That`s good.
Overall,your in a better situation. It`s just that the nervous system can hold the trauma from a break up for years.You invested a lot in her. It's hard to untie that stuff. Many of the things that drew you to her are still there.
However,there are much better women out there that have their heads on straight, have honour, value commitment and honesty and will treat you a heck of a lot better than your wife ever did.

Caring and Sharing,

Goodmans


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I read your whole thread in one sitting. You shared so much and I've learned a lot from what you went through,and now how it may be from the other side. I hope your life is getting better, and do hope you really do find happiness again. This isn't a fun road is it? 

~sammy

Which book of 4 agreements did you get that passage from?


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## dontbeused (Nov 15, 2013)

bryane said:


> Been regrouping, getting healthy, putting the pieces back together, and dating...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just read this thread, your ex sucks man, you do not need her and there are better woman out there for sure. Yeah you made it rough for a while, but her leaving shows her true colors. She sucks.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

No I don't think she's regained her self respect. I feel she is lost. 


LongWalk said:


> Amazing to see you pop up again.
> 
> Do you think your separation and divorce dragged out because you paid the bills for a long time after she left?
> 
> She "lost respect" for you. Did she regain respect for herself?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Sammy3,
I don't remember where exactly I got the quote. If I remember a friend gave me the book and I read it it in one sitting. I have since passed it on to someone else that I felt it would benefit.

If there is anything you can do to prevent your divorce I plead with you to try. This was by far the most painful experience I've ever had the misfortune to go through. To this day it still pains me. Sometimes I don't think I will ever heal from this ordeal. Almost every day I struggle. Yes some days have become better as time passes, however I still ponder when the pain is going to subside.



sammy3 said:


> I read your whole thread in one sitting. You shared so much and I've learned a lot from what you went through,and now how it may be from the other side. I hope your life is getting better, and do hope you really do find happiness again. This isn't a fun road is it?
> 
> ~sammy
> 
> Which book of 4 agreements did you get that passage from?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Yes, there are better people out there. What my ex wife did was sh!tty, horrible, [email protected] up, and an overall scumbag thing to do, but keep in mind this came from out of nowhere as far as I am concerned. I had 7 really wonderful years with this person. In a way I suppose that is why this has been so hard for me to accept. If we had problems, or a bad marriage this all would have been palatable, however that was not the case. Like I said many times if I knew why, or she gave me some closure I feel I would be able to recover much easier. Instead I have to make up stories in my mind which always leaves room for doubt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

bryane said:


> Wow, it been a while since I've been here. It's now been a little over a year since my ex wife left me and although my life has gone on I still love her. I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking about her. I still want to believe that's this is just a nightmare. I want to wake up find her at my side. It's as if my heart cannot except the reality of the situation. I still feel that we should be together, despite the fact she tells me to move on. This is been a particularly tough week for me. Not only is this the anniversary of the week that she left but it is also the week of my 40th birthday. I still have no closure from my divorce. The only reason my ex gave for the divorce was that she lost respect for me. I was in a very bad place at that particular point in time of my life. Since then I've managed to pick up the pieces and find stability, however I have yet to be able to find anything that can replace the void that she left. I still think of her every day and reflect on our marriage. I know we were going through a tough time financially and my addiction to pain medication spun out-of-control, although we always loved each other or at least I thought we did. I have been off pain medication for a year now. I have found other ways to cope with the pain. I've made so many changes in my life. I am healthier and in better shape than I have been since my teens. I run marathons triathlons obstacle course challenges I kite surf surf swim and run I also go to the gym regularly. I have my own business and I am comfortable financially. I have everything in my life with the exception of my one true love. I wish I knew how to get my heart in sync with my head. I'm going from relationship to relationship disappointing woman after woman because I am still in love with my ex-wife. I really wish I knew what to do. I would give anything to fix my relationship with the person that I was once married to, if in fact that person still exists...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Have you been to individual counseling?


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

bryane said:


> Yes, there are better people out there. What my ex wife did was sh!tty, horrible, [email protected] up, and an overall scumbag thing to do, but keep in mind this came from out of nowhere as far as I am concerned. I had 7 really wonderful years with this person. In a way I suppose that is why this has been so hard for me to accept. If we had problems, or a bad marriage this all would have been palatable, however that was not the case. Like I said many times if I knew why, or she gave me some closure I feel I would be able to recover much easier. Instead I have to make up stories in my mind which always leaves room for doubt.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know this feeling. You have to look at it like those 7 years were real - don't try to repaint them in a new light, accept them for how you remember them. Anything else leads to madness. _*After*_ those seven years, however...

...some alien pod replaced your wife with an evil doppleganger that the law won't let you stake through the heart. Keep a wary eye out, but move on with your life and put her in the rearview.

That is how you have to view it. She is _not_ the woman you spent those good years with - she is someone, or something, else.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Yes I went to see a therapist that specializes in this area. I went for several months, and although it did help some I always have had the same issues. You can't turn your feelings off.


Conrad said:


> Have you been to individual counseling?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Honorbound, I agree, however what do you do to shake these feelings. It's driving me mad! I'm so disappointed in myself at times for still caring about this person.


Honorbound said:


> I know this feeling. You have to look at it like those 7 years were real - don't try to repaint them in a new light, accept them for how you remember them. Anything else leads to madness. _*After*_ those seven years, however...
> 
> ...some alien pod replaced your wife with an evil doppleganger that the law won't let you stake through the heart. Keep a wary eye out, but move on with your life and put her in the rearview.
> 
> That is how you have to view it. She is _not_ the woman you spent those good years with - she is someone, or something, else.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

bryane said:


> Yes I went to see a therapist that specializes in this area. I went for several months, and although it did help some I always have had the same issues. You can't turn your feelings off.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds pretty hopeless, don't you think?


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Hopeless or not it is what it is. It's not something that anyone wants to feel or go through, however unfortunately it happens. If I didn't care it wouldn't bother me, however this was my life for many years and yes in fact I did care. I cared immensely; and unfortunately for me... Just like many others in similar situations, I still do care.


Conrad said:


> Sounds pretty hopeless, don't you think?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

bryane said:


> Hopeless or not it is what it is. It's not something that anyone wants to feel or go through, however unfortunately it happens. If I didn't care it wouldn't bother me, however this was my life for many years and yes in fact I did care. I cared immensely; and unfortunately for me... Just like many others in similar situations, I still do care.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why did you stop therapy?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/44287-nice-expectations-ticket-emotional-hell.html


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You should read Moxy's thread. She cannot find closure either.


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

bryane said:


> Honorbound, I agree, however what do you do to shake these feelings. It's driving me mad! I'm so disappointed in myself at times for still caring about this person.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The same thing that was told to you in the beginning (yours was the first thread I read here)... concentrate on _you_. The woman you still care about only exists in your mind. When you get to thinking about her, or get down, shake your head and go do something for _you_. Personally, I exercise (a lot) but you could do anything that you enjoy that takes your mind off of her. Eventually you will think of her less and less... then one day you won't think of her at all that day. 

That evening you will smile and know the worst is behind you... forever.

It really is up to you to heal. If you continually pick at the wound you never will.


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

I also made up an honest list of all of the things I really hated about her and our relationship... I have it bookmarked so I can pull it up at any time and remind myself why I am much better off without her around. Every time I look at it I feel stupid for missing her at all.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Honorbound said:


> I also made up an honest list of all of the things I really hated about her and our relationship... I have it bookmarked so I can pull it up at any time and remind myself why I am much better off without her around. Every time I look at it I feel stupid for missing her at all.


What did you hate about you?


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

Conrad said:


> What did you hate about you?


Compromising


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Honorbound said:


> Compromising


Enabling...


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Enabling...


That's what I said... Pretty sure 'Compromise' comes from the Old-Hebrew word 'Enabling'.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Honorbound said:


> That's what I said... Pretty sure 'Compromise' comes from the Old-Hebrew word 'Enabling'.


I always referred to it as "trying to keep the piece"

Misspelling intentional


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

Conrad said:


> I always referred to it as "trying to keep the piece"
> 
> Misspelling intentional


Hahahahah! :rofl:


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Honorbound said:


> Hahahahah! :rofl:


You didn't think all these "nice guys" were really "nice", did you?


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

Conrad said:


> You didn't think all these "nice guys" were really "nice", did you?


Oh no, I bore no such illusions. Most people have an ulterior motive to their actions - especially 'nice guys'. They are expecting their 'niceness' will be reciprocated. That is why they change their actions (sometimes even surface personalities) in an effort to get validation from someone else.

I too have been guilty of _expectations_. Still am sometimes... even though I know it is a trap and that I am not a 'nice guy'. Well, not the stereotypical validation seeking 'nice guy' anyway. I do what I think is right and others can take it or leave it. Away from _that_ is where compromising/enabling got me. I did not like it there. Veni Vidi Exceo - I came. I saw. I left. 

Any of this helping, Bryane? There are lessons to be learned for all of us. It is how we grow and not stagnate.


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