# Brief Update - Moving Out.. but not on..



## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

Just a brief update... 

I'm moving into my own apartment... and at times I've cried because I'm leaving the home to which we brought our 2 children home from the hospital and where a lot of memories were made - most of our married life has been in that home (which escaping the bad memories is a good reason to leave). I've waffled between anger, tears, feeling like I'm going to vomit, to excitement for a little freedom.

I sat down with him mom and two of his sisters and we talked about what had happened. I agreed that I wouldn't divorce him right away (even though I've filed). I have a 6-month lease. I told them I would continue marriage counseling during that 6-month time period and, if I could see that things were changing, I wouldn't divorce him at the end of that time. But if nothing had changed, I would finalize the divorce at that time.

He's very mopey and crying and I can't stand to be around him because it just makes me that much more angry. He brought this on himself!!


----------



## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. Hang tough and know that we are hear to support you (virtually). Probably a good move to hold on until you have are more "stable" emotionally. Moving out is tough especially from a home with so many memories. Good luck with the move and try enjoy a new space once you are settled


----------



## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

I try to focus on the positive... like I finally get to decorate without restriction (except for $$). I've never been able to so much as pick a piece of wall art without considerable discussion and opposition from my H. (It's been 14 years and we haven't been able to agree on a bedroom set - mainly because he can't find one he likes.)

Even though this apartment is tiny, I want to make it a comfortable home for the boys and myself.


----------



## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Just try to remember its 4 walls but they are YOUR 4 walls. You can make any space your comfort zone, your home. If you want to paint the wall purple with pink polka dots because thats what you love - you do it because its for you. Embrace that and build out your comfort zone. It doesnt cost a lot to personalize a space


----------



## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

STBX is on another week long business trip. He was home for weekend, so kids stayed with him. I have developed a friendship with a married man - because he's married and I know that I have no interest in him and nothing will happen. STBX got angry because I didn't hang out with STBX and kids all weekend. And after an argument with STBX on Saturday night, my friend texted me (he had just gotten off work) and I wanted to go get a drink and vent a bit. So we went to a bar, had 2 drinks and I came home and went to sleep.

Now my SBTX is checking the phone bill yesterday and asking questions about text messages. He insinuates that I'm sleeping with this guy (and a large number of other people) and says that I am "emotionally fragile and will latch on to another guy". Really? You cheated... and you expect me to not be "emotionally fragile"? I'm just going to "latch on" to some other guy... ? 

Am I the only one who finds that term very offensive? Am I overreacting? He has all of his old friends and his family for support. I don't have that. All of "our" friends were really HIS friends. I wasn't "allowed" to have friends of my own... and the one I did have, he was screwing... but yet, I'm supposed to trust women and only have women friends... even though his best friend is a female - if I have a male friend, I'm "latching on"... I know that was a bit rambling. Sorry.


----------



## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

Lovebug501 said:


> STBX is on another week long business trip. He was home for weekend, so kids stayed with him. I have developed a friendship with a married man - because he's married and I know that I have no interest in him and nothing will happen. STBX got angry because I didn't hang out with STBX and kids all weekend. And after an argument with STBX on Saturday night, my friend texted me (he had just gotten off work) and I wanted to go get a drink and vent a bit. So we went to a bar, had 2 drinks and I came home and went to sleep.
> 
> Now my SBTX is checking the phone bill yesterday and asking questions about text messages. He insinuates that I'm sleeping with this guy (and a large number of other people) and says that I am "emotionally fragile and will latch on to another guy". Really? You cheated... and you expect me to not be "emotionally fragile"? I'm just going to "latch on" to some other guy... ?
> 
> Am I the only one who finds that term very offensive? Am I overreacting? He has all of his old friends and his family for support. I don't have that. All of "our" friends were really HIS friends. I wasn't "allowed" to have friends of my own... and the one I did have, he was screwing... but yet, I'm supposed to trust women and only have women friends... even though his best friend is a female - if I have a male friend, I'm "latching on"... I know that was a bit rambling. Sorry.


I fully understand and support you in this... I know you will get a litany of posts that married women should not have male friends... especially in your "fragile state". They post from their own experiences, and it is a flawed assumption for them to project their or their spouses weaknesses to all concerned. 

I have male friends, some single, some married, most straight, some gay, some old, some young... and they are MY friends. H has met most of them, and some not... But he MUST trust that they are just MY FRIENDS. They are forever in the friend zone. I find great benefit for having male friends as a subjective and objective resource for a variety of topics and opinions. 

My only word of advice in this is to be truly vigilant and investigate your new friends character, integrity and motives. Be brutally objective with this. I have had the experience of a new male friend be all buddy buddy.. and he tried to feed into the woman empathetic psyche, only to find out he always had ulterior motives. Kicked his a$$ to the proverbial friend curb without a second thought. 

You are a strong woman... keep that strength in ALL realms.


----------



## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

And part of me is going - why shouldn't I have a little fun? Why shouldn't I explore my options? Obviously, not with a married or attached man. I don't want any other woman to feel the same pain I have.

But I'm not sure that I want to save my marriage. I'm not sure that it can be saved. I'm going to marriage counselling, I'm reading the 5 love languages... but it's still too soon for me to say "I'm committed to us staying together". The hurt is still too fresh. I just want him to leave me alone. 

I'm not rushing into the arms of another man. Any man who has come onto me has made it obvious that he just wants into my pants. And that just irritates me. I'm worth more than that. Even if my WS doesn't think so... because he obviously believes that I'm just out screwing half the countryside. 

I have such conflicted emotions. I want to feel desirable and wanted - but yet I don't want to just be used and thrown away. I think about hooking up with someone else, but when presented with the opportunity (from a single guy), I turn it down. I want to go out and have guys hit on me [so I feel attractive], but when I go to a bar, I take a married man so that I know nothing will happen. I want so badly to be irresponsible and carefree... but I always end up doing the responsible thing.


----------

