# 3 Months on from D Day 8 weeks in limbo and still more hurt



## Groucho (4 mo ago)

Brief back ground married for 22 years and my wife informed me she was having an affair with someone from work, it had started as friends but became closer over a couple of years before moving to physical at the end of April. Then she spent 6 weeks deciding what to do, was it real and such. She actually told me on our daughters 18th birthday, I think the AP's wife had found out and my wife was forced to tell me.
After that told her I wanted to work things out, we have 2 kids 18 and 20 and it would be better to try. She was undecided and wanted time to think, so we spent the next 4 weeks living in the same house, it did cause arguments before she needed space and moved into her parents. She did admit she needed to speak to the AP but it would be just talking. She was still visiting us at home and spending days with us. But I now realise that moving to her parents just gave her the opportunity to spend more time with him, because she wasn't at home so was free to do as she pleased. Throughout this she has always said she loved me and she didn't know what to do for the best, she really missed the children and she was really struggling.
4 weeks she told us she wasn't coming home, I still had hope, don't know why but I do love her. I have tried no contact and am OK for days at a time and then she will contact me and we meet and I go back to square, texting, ringing for a few days until I get past it. I saw her last week to discuss our youngest going to uni as it very much me dealing with it all at present, my 20 year old hasn't spoken to her for 5 weeks now. During that meeting she did say she was moving in to a rented house and it would be with him, she needed to know if it was the biggest mistake of her life but couldn't know until she did it. It is like all the pain is not enough, she needs to add another layer and make it more difficult for all of us.

I am very much lost at the moment the pain at times is unbearable and I flick from disgust at her actions and selfishness to wanting her back to try again. I do think she is basing all decisions on emotions at the moment not logic and she will regret this for the rest of life and will lose so much. It is so sad she won't see it.

What do I do?


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Groucho said:


> What do I do?


Firstly, this hurts probably the worst pain you have ever faced and it is going to continue hurting for a time to come.

Unfortunately, this is also the time that in-spite of the hurt, you have to act and those actions will determine your entire future.

1) Realize your marriage is over, accept it. Even if you two somehow end up back together, your wife has taken a nuclear bomb to this marriage and it as it was will never be again.

2) Gather all evidence of the adultery you may have and collate it in a timeline fashion with proof that is easy for outsiders, family and friends to understand and form a picture from. Contact the other betrayed spouse (OBS) to fill in gaps as you need to. The purpose of this action will become clear later.

3) Go see a divorce lawyer and have her served. You already made the mistake of placing yourself as a fallback option after she confessed her affair. That was a weak action and made her see you as a weak man and made her lose whatever remaining respect she had for you, killing your chances of getting her back. At least by serving her and shutting the door on her now, she will realize that you do have a spine and she will gain a measure of respect back towards you.

If you are in an at fault state or legal district, the proof you have compiled in (2) above will become crucial as far as to limit your exposure in spousal- and / or child-support is concerned.

4) Get tested for STDs, you don't know where this POS Other Man (OM) or POSOM has been. Your wife has put your life at risk, perhaps permanently.

5) Expose, expose, expose. Lies fill the void in the presence of a vacuum and whomsoever gets their story out first garnishes the sympathy. You need the support of family and friends. To get that, they need to know the truth. Her parents need to know who they raised as well. Again, use the proof as compiled under step (2) above. She will also start spreading stories about what an awful husband you were to excuse her immoral and treacherous deeds.

6) Exercise, get rid of the frustration and toxins this stress has left you with. Get a punching bag and destroy it or run miles. Any exercise is a good thing for you at the moment.

7) Diet and drink. Eat well, drink water, stay clear of drugs and alcohol. You need to look after yourself now because you need your strength and faculties.

8) 180 and limited contact. Search for, read and implement a technique called the 180. It will help you detach. She has already moved, so a lot of it is already taken care of, but you need to limit contact only to matters pertaining your kids and a divorce. Ignore and shut down talk of everything else. No new contact = no new pain. Unfortunately with kids, you can only limit contact, not eradicate it totally.

9) Start living for you. Your wife is no longer your concern. Make sure every choice from now on benefits you and your kids without consideration to their mother. Your wife has already done the most selfish thing one can do in a marriage. Almost no choice you make (however selfish it may seem) can possibly top that.

Do these steps and give it some time. She might even come crawling back after a year or so, but by that time, you would realize that all she is offering you is the chance to waste the rest of your life with someone else's free escort and that simply isn't what any man wants in his life.

I find it worked best for me to have pretended that she had died. You would never have married an adulteress who would back stab you this way, would you? Well, she did and you did marry her because what she was is a fiction created in your own mind. She has now revealed to you who she really is, believe what her actions has told you. The fiction you have married has indeed died. Take time to mourn that fiction, because she was real enough to you. This thing that remained that walks like your wife and talks like your wife is no longer your wife, simply a residue of the virtuous fiction that passed away.

Good luck to you, @Groucho , the road ahead, for many miles to come, is not a happy one, but you have to walk it. Make sure every footfall you make now is deliberate and planned to carry you to a happier future.


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## Groucho (4 mo ago)

Everything you say I know, it is just so difficult to accept after 24 years together, so difficult to accept she can move on so quickly with no concern for my feelings or our girls, I keep telling myself I will get there but as you say the road ahead is a long and hard one.


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## Groucho (4 mo ago)

This is all totally out of character for her and everyone I have told can't believe she has done this, I have mentioned midlife crisis but she laughs it off, but she still can't explain why she did it, other than she has changed, she hasn't changed, but it helps her justify her actions.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Groucho said:


> Everything you say I know, it is just so difficult to accept after 24 years together, so difficult to accept she can move on so quickly with no concern for my feelings or our girls, I keep telling myself I will get there but as you say the road ahead is a long and hard one.


If we could understand the mind of an adulteress, we would have known what to look for and never would have married one.

There is nothing to understand. The woman who you thought loved you no longer exists. Mourn who you thought you had and take steps to protect yourself against who she has become.

It's unfair, it's harsh, it hurts to the point of one feeling oneself breaking, but it is reality and there is no magic to change reality.

You cannot change her nor control her. You can only change and control yourself.

Unfortunately, the time to act coincides with the time you have been stabbed in the back and you are bleeding. The time to act is before you are bled dry.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Groucho said:


> This is all totally out of character for her and everyone I have told can't believe she has done this, I have mentioned midlife crisis but she laughs it off, but she still can't explain why she did it, other than she has changed, she hasn't changed, but it helps her justify her actions.


Unless she comes crawling back and you totally bury your self-respect to take her back, her why's is besides the point. The most obvious answer is that she never loved you as much as you love/d her, but was an excellent actress, she just got tired of acting.

Don't get me wrong, you are not the bad guy here, she is, to my mind, a worthless liar, traitor and backstabber. I know I'm talking about the woman you are still married to, but by her choice, she is no longer worth the title of being your wife.

Ultimately, we never totally find out why they do these things to us and we feel thrown away like garbage. We have to make peace with the facts, "fall in love" with ourselves again and build a future for ourselves which will make them cry every time they think that they lost us.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

@Groucho I'm sorry you're going through this. But take heart, you are not alone. Most people on this forum have been through this or some version of it.

You are now a backup plan, the reasons don't matter at this point. It's done. She wants the other dude instead of you. But if somehow he doesn't work out, she wants you to catch her and save her from the fall.

If you try to become her first choice, that's called the "pick me" dance, and never works.
You just will look weak and she won't respect you.
It's over. Cut ties and move forward healing yourself.

@Dictum Veritas gave you excellent advice. Read it over and over.


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

Groucho said:


> ..., so difficult to accept she can move on so quickly with no concern for my feelings or our girls,


This was the hardest thing for me to deal with as well. The concept of 'how could they do this to me'? 

I grappled with it, and no matter how many times someone told me, 'because they weren't thinking about you', I still couldn't wrap my head around it. Surely, after more than two decades of marriage I was some kind of factor in his thinking?! But, I wasn't. 

They can do this ONLY because they are NOT thinking about you. If they were willing to think of you, they would not have taken it so far. They are simply putting themselves, their desires, their emotions first. They do not care about the aftermath, they rarely think about the aftermath or the destruction. They just don't. It's heart breakingly selfish, but all they care about it getting whatever it is they think they need from their encounters.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

@Groucho , how did she meet the POSOM? Is he a co-worker?


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## Groucho (4 mo ago)

Yeah co-worker they both have quite stressful jobs at a hospital and apparently she had a bad day and spoke to him about it, then they had another chat and this led to more chats over the next couple of years where it changed from a friendship into something more. She has been honest, sometimes to the point of cruel, but I did ask her to be.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Groucho said:


> Yeah co-worker they both have quite stressful jobs at a hospital and apparently she had a bad day and spoke to him about it, then they had another chat and this led to more chats over the next couple of years where it changed from a friendship into something more. She has been honest, sometimes to the point of cruel, but I did ask her to be.


Hospital, why am I not surprised?

I know it's too late now, but for future reference and as a rule of thumb, steer clear of people in the medical and education fields. Those fields seem to trend as far as adultery is concerned.

A relationship that starts like theirs did, rarely lasts past 2 years. To start off, they both know that they are cheating, adulterous scum and that they can't trust each-other. My bet is on this only lasting a year or so, but when, not if, their "relationship" implodes, make sure you have shut the door to her and keep it closed.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Groucho said:


> This is all totally out of character for her and everyone I have told can't believe she has done this, I have mentioned midlife crisis but she laughs it off, *but she still can't explain why she did it,* other than she has changed, she hasn't changed, but it helps her justify her actions.


It is simple, she wanted to and didn't care about your or her family. She put her needs above everyone else's. It is called being selfish. She stopped being in love with you a long time ago, before she even ****ed the OM the first time.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Groucho said:


> Everything you say I know, it is just so difficult to accept after 24 years together, so difficult to accept she can move on so quickly with no concern for my feelings or our girls, I keep telling myself I will get there but as you say the road ahead is a long and hard one.


You are a chump only if you allow it. She has an affair and gets to decide whether she wants to keep you as her plan B backup or not? Sorry you’re here but your actions will make you look less attractive. 
Without self respect you don’t have much to work with. 
You should be concerned more about yourself.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Groucho said:


> Yeah co-worker they both have quite stressful jobs at a hospital and apparently she had a bad day and spoke to him about it, then they had another chat and this led to more chats over the next couple of years where it changed from a friendship into something more. She has been honest, sometimes to the point of cruel, but I did ask her to be.


She’s selfish and has zero boundaries. There is no excuse for her behavior. You need to wake up to reality.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Groucho said:


> Everything you say I know, it is just so difficult to accept after 24 years together, so difficult to accept she can move on so quickly with no concern for my feelings or our girls, I keep telling myself I will get there but as you say the road ahead is a long and hard one.


It wasn’t difficult for her was it?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You should understand. Limbo is a self imposed state. You have a choice.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

@Groucho , I know we are not telling you what you want to hear, but we are telling you what you need to hear.

None of us are dismissing your pain. I'd rather be stabbed again (yes that has happened) than go through even a fraction of what you are going through right now, which unfortunately I've had to face as-well.

We are not giving you fluffy advice, but we are giving you proven advice.


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## Groucho (4 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> It wasn’t difficult for her was it?


 She say's it was, and cries when we meet, but her actions don't back it up


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

Groucho said:


> Everything you say I know, it is just so difficult to accept after 24 years together, so difficult to accept she can move on so quickly with no concern for my feelings or our girls, I keep telling myself I will get there but as you say the road ahead is a long and hard one.


Well, she is not moving on so quickly. She moved on long ago but did not inform you. The relationship probably went physical sooner than she has told you.

Not an easy task but I would say focus on your own work, your children and no contact with her. Hire an attorney & let him/her deal with her. Your 18 year old is old enough to talk to your wife if needed about upcoming university stuff. No need for you to do that. 
if the wife is no help then you and your 18 year old figure out whatever needs to be figured out.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Groucho said:


> She say's it was, and cries when we meet, but her actions don't back it up


There's another piece of advice you need to heed hence forth. Don't believe a word that comes out of her mouth. If she says: "Good-Morning", it's best for you to check your watch and confirm it's actually morning. She will say anything to make herself appear and feel better, because deep down, she knows what a POS she has become and to cover for that she'll become an ever growing bigger POS.

Oh, and don't talk to her without recording the conversation or whenever possible use text. That way she can't claim you threatened her or perhaps file false assault charges etc. Yes, that happens a-lot to betrayed spouses (BSs). It also assists you in keeping a legal record. Like it or not, but she is now the enemy and you have to cover your own backside.

Stop the in-person meetings as much as possible, it's like taking sand-paper to a scab. Never be alone with her without a witness present if you can help it.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

What do you do? You leave her. 

All of her communication is purely to set you up as plan B. She needs to move in with him to see if it works out? Seriously? She just said to your face, “you are ok I guess, but this guy is better. However, If it doesn’t work out, I’ll come back to you, ok?”

Dude. Don’t do that. Don’t be plan b. Be someone’s plan a.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Look at it this way...

The wife you fell in love with is dead. Period. 

You need to move on (yes, I know that's painful to hear). That's the only way you can start healing. And that means setting clear boundaries. No contact is a great way to go, but since you have kids together, it won't always be possible. So when you have to see her or talk to her, do it like you would a business partner, with your business being your kids. Take all the emotion out of it. Remember, the wife you loved is dead.

And also start putting yourself first. Take care of you. Buy yourself some new clothes, start exercising and prepare yourself to meet your true love, the woman that will be there till death do you part. Look into counseling if you can afford it.

Lastly, never beg her to come back. Know your worth and stick to it. She will regret her decision one day. Trust me on this...she will regret it. She's having her cake and eating it too right now, but that won't last. And when that regret comes, you want to be at such a great point that you won't care.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Groucho said:


> She say's it was, and cries when we meet, but her actions don't back it up


Because she's BS'ing you. She's trying to keep you on the hook as plan b in case this new guy doesn't work out.
YOU take the choice out of her hands. Get with the lawyers, get YOUR plan together -- no regards to what SHE wants, ok? You need to take care of you now. 
It hurts, and WILL continue to hurt -- but you making your plans and taking control of it gives you the knowledge that you are doing the right thing...


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

She's not crying for you. She's trying to get your sympathy by presenting herself as a victim. 
The only victim is you.

She wants to maintain the appearance that you're still friends and that the separation is by mutual agreement.
Why? to cover up her actual behavior: selfish, entitled, deceitful, and having zero concern for you.

People with solid character don't cheat because it's not an option. However, she did. And that's what she wants to cover up.


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## Groucho (4 mo ago)

I agree with all you are saying, I just can't imagine my life without her in it at the moment. I am sure I will and will be better for it, she will certainly not have a better life than we have had and I do know the only eventual loser will be her, just doesn't stop the hurt at present.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Groucho said:


> I agree with all you are saying, I just can't imagine my life without her in it at the moment. I am sure I will and will be better for it, she will certainly not have a better life than we have had and I do know the only eventual loser will be her, just doesn't stop the hurt at present.


Stop thinking about her, start considering her dead to you. Get a little angry even, it will help fuel your steps.
Focus on you and your life now. Change your mindset. It is painful but possible and necessary.

It helps to talk things out so keep posting here and also call on a trusted friend.

You have to make the switch from "oh crap what is happening" to "F this, I'm going to take control of my own life"


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Groucho said:


> She say's it was, and cries when we meet, but her actions don't back it up


Words are meaningless. They all lie. A lot. Actions tell you everything you need to know.
It was so hard screwing my new boyfriend while married to you. Boo, hoo, hoo😢


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

@Groucho , sorry this happened.

She made a series of hundreds of decisions that led to this with her AP.

It's likely that she wasn't the person she presented herself to be, you just never really saw it.

Cheaters tend to follow the same script... not sure if it is a certain personality type or what it is, but you are seeing her true selfish side. When you realize how far it got before you knew, she was clearly good at hiding what she was doing... the possibility this isn't her first rodeo is strong. You found out because the AP got caught, so your wife was on damage control mode.

There are tons of cheating examples around here from the medical profession. People bond when they go through hardship and adversity together, and the medical profession provides plenty of that.

Some of us have that initial reaction to take them back... but when you think about it, why would you ever do that? She is not looking out for you at all. She is not spouse material.

It hurts like hell, but the best revenge is to start living your best life, without her. Your kids are grown.. just cut her off from your life. She is not a friend. Any attempts on her part to placate you, are for her own veiled selfish reasons.

Get ready for all hell to break loose during divorce negotiations. Be ready to protect yourself, your assets, and your future.

Also, watch out for her to get dumped as OM tries to reconcile with his wife, and then she will be looking hard to go to Plan B (you).

Take actions to end the misery of this process as quickly as possible. Oh, and stop worrying about being nice.

ETA: if you haven't talked to OM's wife, you should. Probably further eye opening revelations are out there.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Groucho said:


> I agree with all you are saying, I just can't imagine my life without her in it at the moment. I am sure I will and will be better for it, she will certainly not have a better life than we have had and I do know the only eventual loser will be her, just doesn't stop the hurt at present.


That’s because you have a fantasy of her up on a pedestal. Wake up!!!
Have you even through about how you are affecting your kids. If they were going through something like this would you want them to act like you? Kids learn from their parents. What are you teachIng them?


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Groucho said:


> This is all totally out of character for her and everyone I have told can't believe she has done this


One's character is defined by their actions, so the only mistake here was that you didn't know how low her character really was.

She is a classic cheater. That is part of her character.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Groucho said:


> I keep telling myself I will get there but as you say the road ahead is a long and hard one.


The harder road is continuing to believe you can get your relationship back, wasting years doing that, only to realize it is a lost cause. Take it from those that have tried it, the easiest and shortest road to happiness after this is to move on, focus on yourself, and you will be happy before you know it.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Get a little angry even, it will help fuel your steps.


This is what works... replace hurt with anger. Anger is a driver and elicits action, hurt drives nothing positive. Every time you feel sad or hurt, convert that to anger.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Make sure she supports her daughter financially throughout uni too... so it's not just you paying for everything.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

@Groucho , it is so easy to drown in the misery of what has happened. People have been telling you your whole life, not to get angry. I'm telling you, you have a whole lot to be angry about. Constructive use of anger is a very good thing.

It would be a good thing to find your anger and use it's energy to propel yourself forward.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

I think it would be good for you to read this post from a TAM member who no longer visits the site. Here is a link to the discussion around this post: Just Let Them Go

"I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.

_*Just Let Them Go*

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them._ "


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

You will struggle with your emotions for quite a while, but you will get through this. You have received very good advice on this thread. As hard as it is, follow that advice. It is your best path out of infidelity. She has played you like a fiddle. She has known this was coming for a long time and you haven't. She is still using that to her advantage. For your own emotional health, you must break the connection with her, which is rooted in who you thought she was. She has shown you who she actually is. Believe her. Remember, as the other relationship developed she knew she was crossing boundary after boundary and she didn't stop it or tell you. When the affair was discovered she was forced to tell you and even then she used your emotions against you by keeping you as backup while still pursuing the other relationship. 

Your marriage is dead and can never come back as it was. There is a remote possibility you could build a new relationship with her, but you would have better odds buying a lottery ticket. 

From this point forward concentrate on your own happiness and wellbeing without her in the picture. Let there be no doubt, her tears are for her, not for the damage she has done to you. She has zero remorse. 

Cut her out of you life to the maximum extent you can.


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## Groucho (4 mo ago)

re16 said:


> @Groucho , sorry this happened.
> 
> She made a series of hundreds of decisions that led to this with her AP.
> 
> ...


I have now spoken to the OM's wife and no real revelations the timeline seems similar a few discrepancies here and there but then she told me my wife was in France with him now visiting her other sister (who lives out there) I did know she was going but she said she was going with her sister from the UK, as everyone has said don't believe a word she say's. All lies and more hurt. Just backs up what everyone is saying.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Groucho said:


> wife was in France with him now visiting her other sister


Your wife is probably spinning her first versions of the marital history re-write... how awful you were and how you caused this... poor her.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

I am so sorry that you are in this position.

I know your emotions will be all over the place but I would echo what another poster’s view that you should strike whilst your Wife is still in the affair fog and get the best financial and custodial (if this still applies) terms you can. It is often the case that the cheater guilt and fog means they will accept poor terms just to move forward with their new relationship.

Please see a lawyer as soon as possible to move this forward. You can look at the why’s and wherefore’s after. PLEASE DON’T BE THE NICE GUY HERE, PROTECT YOUR’S AND YOUR CHILDREN’S FUTURES AND ASSETS. YOU HAVE WORKED ALL YOUR LIFE, DON’T LET SOMEONE ELSE BENEFIT FROM THAT!

In my opinion, you should do this irrespective of whether you reconcile or not. Your marriage is dead. If you do reconcile, a fresh, new relationship will probably help you move forward.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Groucho said:


> I have now spoken to the OM's wife


That might not have felt like it, but it's actually a step forward. BTW if your wife is visiting her sister with the POSOM in tow, chances are the sister knew about the adulterous affair before you ever did and is condoning it.

It is important to cut people who condone her despicable actions out of your life as well, like the cancer that they are.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

Being angry is easier and more bearable than being sad. Try this. She hasn’t only done this to you…look at how she has walked away from HER KIDS. YOUR kids. I don’t care if they’re 5 or 20. It may even be harder on adult kids. What kind of mother does this???? She has chosen a work dude fairy tail and blown up her family, devastating all 3 of you, and her response isn’t to beg forgiveness and try to salvage the marriage, and her relationship with her kids, it’s to move in with guy! That’s so shameful. So, so shameful. And that’s what should propel you to anger. I’m sorry she’s done this to all of you. How terrible. Don’t settle for being plan b. Because that’s exactly what this is. She knows if this doesn’t work that she can beg her way back home. If you allow that, it WILL happen again. What does her own family think about this?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Groucho said:


> She say's it was, and cries when we meet, but her actions don't back it up


Croc tears....understand that you have given her the ability to dictate the conversation, the entire narrative right now, STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!!!!!

You need to control it and you need to be strong if not for yourself then for your kids…you need to tell her if that what she wants then at this point there is no talk about us when you are the selfish person you want to be and that you will be filing for divorce on the ground of adultery (I don’t care if your state is non-fault it is the principle of the thing) you will tell her to come get her crap and that the OM is not at all welcomed at your home and that you now will speak to his wife in getting your ducks in a row…I am sorry you are going through this but it’s time to pull up your big boy pants and be a man


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## Groucho (4 mo ago)

Teacherwifemom said:


> Being angry is easier and more bearable than being sad. Try this. She hasn’t only done this to you…look at how she has walked away from HER KIDS. YOUR kids. I don’t care if they’re 5 or 20. It may even be harder on adult kids. What kind of mother does this???? She has chosen a work dude fairy tail and blown up her family, devastating all 3 of you, and her response isn’t to beg forgiveness and try to salvage the marriage, and her relationship with her kids, it’s to move in with guy! That’s so shameful. So, so shameful. And that’s what should propel you to anger. I’m sorry she’s done this to all of you. How terrible. Don’t settle for being plan b. Because that’s exactly what this is. She knows if this doesn’t work that she can beg her way back home. If you allow that, it WILL happen again. What does her own family think about this?


i haven’t spoken to the in laws for about 5 weeks but apparently he has met them so it kind of condones it. 
I don’t want my children to see them I want them to realise there are consequences, everything isn’t the same and normal, but then that hurts my kids. It just feels unfair that everyone seems to accept what has happened and can move on and because I can’t I am at fault.
Her sister tried to get the kids to meet with her by sending a text saying she knows she has hurt you and is missing you but wants to see you. Nothing about the childrens feelings all about her.


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## Groucho (4 mo ago)

Groucho said:


> i haven’t spoken to the in laws for about 5 weeks but apparently he has met them so it kind of condones it.
> I don’t want my children to see them I want them to realise there are consequences, everything isn’t the same and normal, but then that hurts my kids. It just feels unfair that everyone seems to accept what has happened and can move on and because I can’t I am at fault.
> Her sister tried to get the kids to meet with her by sending a text saying she knows she has hurt you and is missing you but wants to see you. Nothing about the childrens feelings all about her.


 It seems the whole aim is to make it as least painful for her, whatever that does to us. She is hurting because she misses the kids, can’t have that it isn’t fair I thought they would be ok or we would have some contact, I didn’t expect this to happen. Consequences but it still doesn’t make her stop or rethink, deep in the fog of deluded expectations very sad,


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

She made her choice. Now you have to accept it and divorce. 

Do not take her back at this point. She's done too much damage to you to deserve any reconciliation.

I'm sorry this has happened to you - the best you can do for yourself is to go ICE COLD and anything regarding her is just business from here on out.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Groucho said:


> It seems the whole aim is to make it as least painful for her, whatever that does to us. She is hurting because she misses the kids, can’t have that it isn’t fair I thought they would be ok or we would have some contact, I didn’t expect this to happen. Consequences but it still doesn’t make her stop or rethink, deep in the fog of deluded expectations very sad,


Of course! It is all about her, her feelings, her "pain", getting away from such a terrible husband, terrible marriage, blah blah blah.

Kill that part of your life right freaking now.
It's done. It's gone. She was never who you believed her to be.

Protect yourself and your kids moving forward, do whats best for them.

And actually, right now...accept it all and let her go. Get rid of the chaos. Get rid of the drama.

Get your kids in therapy if they need it. And make sure you're the model, stable dad. You need that for your kids and yourself. And your cheater WW will regret it during the custody hearings.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

*The one who cares the least holds the power in the relationship.* This applies to any relationship, spouse, daughter etc.

You are experiencing that now because your wife didn't care about you at all, but you are still engaging with her.

With your daughter not talking to her, your daughter is gaining power in that situation, because your daughter currently cares less than your STBXW.

Follow suit... it works.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

How shameful the her parents and family are accepting of this. It actually explains a lot. It’s awful that they’ve all betrayed you this way.


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## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

Get into counseling immediately with someone that can guide you through this horror. You need support from family and friends to get you to move on. The quicker you accept reality, the better your outcome. Let anger be your motivator. You have been betrayed. Your WW is simply terrible to you. See a lawyer and commence divorce proceedings immediately. Do not be her backstop. Value yourself over her. She has shown you what she is all about. She is not worthy of your love, respect, and friendship. Start working out, get yourself presentable and go find someone else. The hell with your WW. All that matters is you and the children. Your WW should now be dead to you.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Have you shut off any joint credit cards, established a new bank account, and taken 50% of the funds from your joint and put it into yours? She probably didn't want to tell you that she was bringing her boyfriend to France because YOU WERE PAYING FOR IT.

If there was a single transaction on my accounts from a trip with her boyfriend I would go absolutely ballistic.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Groucho said:


> It seems the whole aim is to make it as least painful for her, whatever that does to us. She is hurting because she misses the kids, can’t have that it isn’t fair I thought they would be ok or we would have some contact, I didn’t expect this to happen. Consequences but it still doesn’t make her stop or rethink, deep in the fog of deluded expectations very sad,


You don’t say, a person that blew up everyone’s life for their selfish wants is acting like a jerk and wants no consequences??? Stunning. 

Figure out your worth. I’d say it’s more than a lying, deceiving POS wife and mother. Don’t give your consent to be treated trash ever again. Stop talking to her, her family, her friends, her second cousin in Spain, her dog groomer, her imaginary friend or whomever else. Do a hard 180, block her phone, file for divorce and leave those pigs to roll in the sh!t. 

Let her return from vacation to being served the divorce papers. That will send a clear and strong message. And then do everything in your power to heal and create a life that’s filled with joy, you still have your daughters. Cultivate the relationships that matter, I promise you will be ok. Good luck.


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## Groucho (4 mo ago)

re16 said:


> *The one who cares the least holds the power in the relationship.* This applies to any relationship, spouse, daughter etc.
> 
> You are experiencing that now because your wife didn't care about you at all, but you are still engaging with her.
> 
> ...


She certainly is stronger than me at the moment but I will get there and focus on them from now on. Manning up is easy to say but harder to do, but I will get there for us. It’s just a really sad situation that people can act this way and think it is ok. We had a good life just not good enough.


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## Groucho (4 mo ago)

QuietRiot said:


> You don’t say, a person that blew up everyone’s life for their selfish wants is acting like a jerk and wants no consequences??? Stunning.
> 
> Figure out your worth. I’d say it’s more than a lying, deceiving POS wife and mother. Don’t give your consent to be treated trash ever again. Stop talking to her, her family, her friends, her second cousin in Spain, her dog groomer, her imaginary friend or whomever else. Do a hard 180, block her phone, file for divorce and leave those pigs to roll in the sh!t.
> 
> Let her return from vacation to being served the divorce papers. That will send a clear and strong message. And then do everything in your power to heal and create a life that’s filled with joy, you still have your daughters. Cultivate the relationships that matter, I promise you will be ok. Good luck.


thank you


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Groucho said:


> I have now spoken to the OM's wife and no real revelations the timeline seems similar a few discrepancies here and there but then she told me my wife was in France with him now visiting her other sister (who lives out there) I did know she was going but she said she was going with her sister from the UK, as everyone has said don't believe a word she say's. All lies and more hurt. Just backs up what everyone is saying.


Just more lies. Let her go. Save yourself.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You deserve better. Now see a good attorney. I’d look at 3-4 and pick the best one.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Stop sitting in the victim chair and put your focus on moving forward.


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## Groucho (4 mo ago)

SRCSRC said:


> Get into counseling immediately with someone that can guide you through this horror. You need support from family and friends to get you to move on. The quicker you accept reality, the better your outcome. Let anger be your motivator. You have been betrayed. Your WW is simply terrible to you. See a lawyer and commence divorce proceedings immediately. Do not be her backstop. Value yourself over her. She has shown you what she is all about. She is not worthy of your love, respect, and friendship. Start working out, get yourself presentable and go find someone else. The hell with your WW. All that matters is you and the children. Your WW should now be dead to you.


I do see a counsellor and that does help, I have seen a solicitor (sorry UK based) and they have said I can have half of everything including her pension (NHS 25+ years should be quite good) i did tell her this and she actually said "is that what we are doing now I haven't been unreasonable" my response was "you cheated on me" "apart from that" she said
Like everyone says I just need to look out for me now and my 2 girls we had a comfortable life in front of us but she has ruined that so I need to get as much as I can so we aren't struggling in the future.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Groucho said:


> I do see a counsellor and that does help, I have seen a solicitor (sorry UK based) and they have said I can have half of everything including her pension (NHS 25+ years should be quite good) i did tell her this and she actually said "is that what we are doing now I haven't been unreasonable" my response was "you cheated on me" "apart from that" she said
> Like everyone says I just need to look out for me now and my 2 girls we had a comfortable life in front of us but she has ruined that so I need to get as much as I can so we aren't struggling in the future.


Sorry to say, but you have nothing to work with in your WW, make sure your solicitor is a bull-dog (shark), don't reign him/her in and take your WW for absolutely everything you legally can. She sounds like pure evil.


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## Groucho (4 mo ago)

And then do everything in your power to heal and create a life that’s filled with joy, you still have your daughters. Cultivate the relationships that matter, I promise you will be ok. Good luck. 

My mantra from now on thank you everyone.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Groucho, get initial free consultations with the top four or five solicitors in your town. This will help you make sure you have the right firm for you and your girls. Also, it might block your wife from using them due to conflict of interest. "Oops! Sorry, ex-wife, I didn't know that!"

Also, get your daughters into therapy as your wife has cheated on them to in a very real sense. And their grandparents don't care what your bloody wife has done to their granddaughters? That's nothing short of shameful!

Why have her parents just let her plug the new man into their power supply? Is he a surgeon, or of a similar high status job? I have heard terrible stories of cheating at UK NHS hospitals.

Some resources that might be helpful








The Gray Rock Method is a Mental Model - 180 RULE


The Gray Rock Method is a mental model for understanding psychopaths. Gray Rocking gives you clarity about the psychopath's addiction to manipulation.




180rule.com













The 180


Several years ago, Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, introduced a concept to the world of infidelity that is designed to help you and your partner move forward in the healing of…




beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com













The Pretzel Logic of the 180 - ChumpLady.com


If you’ve spent any time reading the reconciliation literature, you’ll notice a lot of reference to the “180.” She won’t stop seeing her affair partner? “Do the 180!” He still works with his ho-worker? “Do the 180!” What is this powerful 180? It was a concept developed by Michelle Weiner-Davis...




www.chumplady.com


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Yep, life is short, don't allow her to waste any more of your days by occupying your headspace.

You have to decide to control that... fortunately you are the only thing in life that you have full control over....

Start winning days again, one at time... like tomorrow.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

My advice is not to communicate with her at all except by email, and even then ONLY when it's about the girls or an important financial matter say. Don't answer texts or phone calls and don't meet her in person. 
The girls are more than old enough to decide whether they see her or not. 
She clearly doesn't want you to begin a divorce but really what does she expect?? She has left you and your daughters, she has chosen this other man, she needs to know that for you that is unacceptable. So, find a good solicitor and get it started. As for her parents, don't they realize that they may lose their granddaughters if they accept this new guy? 
Its possible of course that she just turned up with him and claimed he was just a friend, so maybe we can't judge then quite yet.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Yep, cut off contact or keep yourself entangled in this mess.
No contact is your new best friend.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Her family will side with her. Most often blood is thicker than water. Cut them off too.
At some point you’ll get the let’s be friends. Maybe even do it for the kids, etc. This will be for her not you.
Definition of friend - loyal, honest and trustworthy. She’s not friend material.
Get strong and stay there. It’s your only good option.
Drop the hopium pipe. She’s not worth your time and life.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Groucho, you need to strike first here and file for divorce. If she does come back, you will never truly trust her again.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

First thing that you need to realize is that you have been too passive, and have given her the upper hand.
For your own sake (as well as your kids) you need to deal from a position of strength.
First thing tomorrow, you need to start the divorce process. Have her served coldly and without notice.
Set up an e-mail account. Inform her that all communication will be through that account, and will be limited to info regarding the kids. Other communications should be through your attorney.
Have no communication with her family. Treat them as the enemy until proven otherwise.
She may be the mother of your children, but now she is the enemy. Don't provide her any opportunity to do you dirty ever again.
She needs to discover that you are no ones back up plan, and that you have discarded her like week old trash.
Move on with your life. Focus on being the best father you can be, take care of yourself, and find someone that wants to be with you for all the right reasons.


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## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

Has she always been a good person to you? I always suspect with cheaters that they generally have an underlying personality disorder - the selfishness it takes to cheat in the first place means they have to be higher up the narcissism spectrum than most. Maybe she has always been manipulative and a bit of a ****ty person, but you just haven't paid it enough attention?
Appreciate decent people that appreciate you for being decent to them, don't get stuck on women that have wronged you. You don't need anyone romantically right now, you are fine by yourself.


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## Groucho (4 mo ago)

DamianDamian said:


> Has she always been a good person to you? I always suspect with cheaters that they generally have an underlying personality disorder - the selfishness it takes to cheat in the first place means they have to be higher up the narcissism spectrum than most. Maybe she has always been manipulative and a bit of a ****ty person, but you just haven't paid it enough attention?
> Appreciate decent people that appreciate you for being decent to them, don't get stuck on women that have wronged you. You don't need anyone romantically right now, you are fine by yourself.


I always thought she was a good person, kind and caring and a good mum. But the last 3 mo ths is totally out of character, or maybe not maybe that’s what she has always been I just didn’t see it. No contact anymore and try and move on.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It's possible she has grown tired of being a wife and mother, too?

I fear for your sanity and the sanity of your daughters, so I suggest both you and they should go no contact.

Family counselling might be a good option for you and your daughters.

Remember the old film when aliens replaced humans? In the film a little boy knew his mother had been replaced with an alien pod person.

It's the same with your wife. She looks like your wife, but you and your daughters know she has been replaced with an alien Simulacrum.

Or look at it another way. Your wife is dead, murdered by the woman who has replaced her.

Incidentally, get a removal firm to pack her stuff up in removal boxes and send them to her parent's house.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Groucho said:


> I always thought she was a good person, kind and caring and a good mum. But the last 3 mo ths is totally out of character, or maybe not maybe that’s what she has always been I just didn’t see it. No contact anymore and try and move on.


Sounds to me that, since your children are old enough now, she decided to jump ship. Maybe she's been thinking about this for a long time...


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Groucho said:


> I always thought she was a good person, kind and caring and a good mum. But the last 3 mo ths is totally out of character, or maybe not maybe that’s what she has always been I just didn’t see it. No contact anymore and try and move on.


Maya Angelou had a quote...

When someone shows you who they really are believe them


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## plastow (Jan 4, 2022)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Firstly, this hurts probably the worst pain you have ever faced and it is going to continue hurting for a time to come.
> 
> Unfortunately, this is also the time that in-spite of the hurt, you have to act and those actions will determine your entire future.
> 
> ...





Groucho said:


> I agree with all you are saying, I just can't imagine my life without her in it at the moment. I am sure I will and will be better for it, she will certainly not have a better life than we have had and I do know the only eventual loser will be her, just doesn't stop the hurt at present.


she is not in your life anymore than she is in another guys bed having all the things and maybe more than she did with you so disown her now immediately not tomorrow now.yes its painful but the pain will get less if you rid yourself of her now.she cares not one dot for you and will never be the person you thought she was.in time you will realise she will probably lose her new bed partner and be lonely.her choice not yours but its one she has already made .now you must make your choices for you not her.good luck


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## plastow (Jan 4, 2022)

Groucho said:


> i haven’t spoken to the in laws for about 5 weeks but apparently he has met them so it kind of condones it.
> I don’t want my children to see them I want them to realise there are consequences, everything isn’t the same and normal, but then that hurts my kids. It just feels unfair that everyone seems to accept what has happened and can move on and because I can’t I am at fault.
> Her sister tried to get the kids to meet with her by sending a text saying she knows she has hurt you and is missing you but wants to see you. Nothing about the childrens feelings all about her.


you must take your children to see their grandparents.they need to know the truth .your wife has beaten you to the first punch by telling her parents you are the one to blame and maybe even has laid blame at your kids too.your kids are entitled to see their grandparents and now not later .you need to tell your side of things ,but alas you have already dallied too long and she now has the upper hand on you.she has been thinking it all out while you have been sat with your tail between your legs,now stand tall for your kids you are their protection in all this ,do it for them if not you .you owe them that at least.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

But if the girls don't want to see the grandparents, don't force them to. Because if you do, @Groucho they will start to resent you.


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## Groucho (4 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Sounds to me that, since your children are old enough now, she decided to jump ship. Maybe she's been thinking about this for a long time...


Possibly, but again it’s why didn’t I see it life has been normal up to 4 months ago, doing things together healthy sex life etc.. if she has been planning this for a long time I wish she had talked to me at some point before we got to here.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Groucho said:


> Possibly, but again it’s why didn’t I see it life has been normal up to 4 months ago, doing things together healthy sex life etc.. if she has been planning this for a long time I wish she had talked to me at some point before we got to here.


My wife did the same... she gave me sex to keep me there and then she dropped me when the kids were old enough. She didn't have an affair (100% sure). She just wanted to be on her own (she never left, though). She had been planning this for 10 years. It took me completely by surprise.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Groucho said:


> Possibly, but again it’s why didn’t I see it life has been normal up to 4 months ago, doing things together healthy sex life etc.. if she has been planning this for a long time I wish she had talked to me at some point before we got to here.


They will never tell you a thing. She’s not like you obviously. You cannot rationalize the irrational. It’s a waste of your time.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Groucho:

Just to reinforce the point that many are making, let's imagine for a moment that what your heart wants comes true, and she decides to ditch the AP to return to you.

1. After the initial moment of relief from her return wears off, how do you think you would feel about yourself when you look in the mirror, knowing you were her backup plan?

2. How could you even begin to feel comfortable in the relationship knowing that she cheated, left for the AP, came back to you as plan B, and you swallowed all of it...how could you even begin to trust that it would not/could not happen again?

3. Do you think you could ever really respect her knowing that this is who she is?

4. Do you think you could ever respect yourself for accepting her back?



Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

Cards on the table, OP, I did not read all the responses. I stopped at page two to begin writing this. I actually went through something similar to you, although I was with my ex for about 15 years, so a little less than you, and our kids are much younger (13 and 8). But a lot of the other things you describe are exactly the same as what happened with me--had an affair, finally had to admit it, wanted time to think, used that separation period to test drive the other relationship, etc. 

I am farther down the road than you are so I'll tell you a few things that have helped me that I think might help you. 

First, limit contact. I felt the exact same yo-yo'ing of emotions that you are describing and it was because I was still in contact with my ex. Limit contact to only things about the kids and try to make that contact only via text or email. Not only does that give you a written record, but I think talking on the phone or meeting face to face can stir up more emotions. 

Second, try not to dwell on the what could have been. This can be hard, but the sad truth is that the feelings you have for your wife at some point were not reciprocated and you don't want to be with someone who doesn't treat you the way you deserve. Again, I know it can be hard, but over time you'll see that you are better off.

Third, on that note, do give yourself time. While there are people who will say that you should just be happy that this cheater is out of your life, I think the reality is not so black and white. Life is full of gray area and it is natural to feel sad, angry, and a million other emotions about this. Feel all those feelings, but also know that over time it will get better. How long is up to the individual person but it gets better eventually.

Fourth, to help that healing process, do things for yourself. Don't drink too much as that just leads to depression. Try to be active, hang out with friends, do stuff with your kids, see a mental health professional if needed to talk things out. Definitely see a therapist to work through some of the issues you've mentioned about thinking about how she could throw all this away, she's not being rational, etc. I had those exact same thoughts and talking to a therapist really helped.

Fifth, use your wife being in the honeymoon phase with her affair partner to your advantage and get moving on the legal side of divorce. That might sound cold, but this time period really can be useful for you to get out while she's not trying to be vindictive or anything.

Sixth, in my experience reconciliation usually does not work out just because there are so many issues at play to work through. Not to say there aren't cases where it works out, but I think that is not the norm.

Sorry you are in this place. It will get better over time and you can come out the other side better off. Not going to lie and say this won't be stressful or hard because it will, but it does get better.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Groucho:

One more point for you to consider:

Some of the most damaging things people do to themselves are in an effort to avoid or dull the effects of emotional pain...drugs and alcohol commonly come to mind.

One thing that typically does not come to one's mind when thinking about emotional pain is denial. Additionally, while not a chemical, denial does just as much damage as the aforementioned, because you are removing yourself from reality to avoid pain.

Much like alcohol/drugs, all it does is help you temporarily avoid the pain. But when you stop denying, and start accepting, that same pain will still be waiting for you.

It is time for radical acceptance of your situation. Accept that it will hurt. Accept that prolonging dealing with that pain is also prolonging your healing.

Sorry you are here under these circumstances, brother. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

farsidejunky said:


> Groucho:
> 
> One more point for you to consider:
> 
> ...


Can't like FSJ's comment enough.

Denial is a powerful drug to dull pain. Very powerful.


The last thing that really bugged me about your situation, Groucho, is when your wife said, "Oh, is this what "we" are going to do to each other now?" when you mentioned to her that you have the right to 50% of her retirement. This statement really goes to show you just how little she cares about you... if at all. She fully expects to be able to test drive her AP and have you ready and waiting just in case it doesn't work out for her. Oh, and you also are not allowed to touch her money - even though she is the one that destroyed your marriage and family. Your wife only cares about herself. No one else.


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## Groucho (4 mo ago)

justaguylookingforhelp said:


> Cards on the table, OP, I did not read all the responses. I stopped at page two to begin writing this. I actually went through something similar to you, although I was with my ex for about 15 years, so a little less than you, and our kids are much younger (13 and 8). But a lot of the other things you describe are exactly the same as what happened with me--had an affair, finally had to admit it, wanted time to think, used that separation period to test drive the other relationship, etc.
> 
> I am farther down the road than you are so I'll tell you a few things that have helped me that I think might help you.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your time the third point did hit home, it is far from black and white.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Groucho said:


> Possibly, but again it’s why didn’t I see it life has been normal up to 4 months ago, doing things together healthy sex life etc.. if she has been planning this for a long time I wish she had talked to me at some point before we got to here.


She met a dude that gave her the tingles and she threw her husband and kids to the wolves. That is in fact *who she is…*whether she acted on it before isn’t really the point. 

More importantly, who are you? Are you the guy that loves with loyalty and honor and deserves better than this? If so, sink your whole heart and soul into knowing that. Knowing you did everything you could, but now you will create a new and better life, because you can control that 100%.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You’ve been given excellent advice.
The pain you are experiencing is so bad that it’s hard for you to think clearly.

I will add to the otters that your wife is using your love for her against you, using your fear of change and loss against you, and will use your friends/kids/family against you if you allow it.

Please don’t think about this and just do it: Get a good lawyer and file for divorce and be as cold and uncaring in divorce as she was cold and uncaring in telling you that she loves another man and is having sex with him and choosing to live with him.

No matter what, you’re on for a couple of years of torture. But getting divorced and establishing a new life will lessen the pain significantly. If you continue to flounder and fail to file and divorce your wife, you will never heal from this. Your wife,no matter what she says, has no romantic thoughts or emotions for you whatsoever. Accept it.

Please accept from a oerson sho has been through it, that there are lots of women that WILL want to be your lover again.

This is not as bad as it now seems. But it takes a while to see the light. You have no hope if even a ray of sunlight until you accept the truth and file and start to move forward.

I’m sorry this happened to you. But weakness will do nothing but hurt you.


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## masterofmasters (Apr 2, 2021)

why do people allow themselves to be this weak? act on the excellent advice you have gotten.

your wife stringing you along while test driving her boyfriend...good god! i've never understood how people allow this ******** to conutinue for months.


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## DosEquis (5 mo ago)

"I always thought she was a good person, kind and caring and a good mum. But the last 3 mo ths is totally out of character, or maybe not maybe that’s what she has always been I just didn’t see it. No contact anymore and try and move on."

24 years of attachment doesnt just go away, but heres the thing, that attachment has developed gangrene. Left attached it will take you down.

Truth is, people can and do change under differing circumstances, some for the better, some for the worse. Your wife has succumbed to the dark side and is now enveloped by it. Will she come to her senses? Who knows? The only thing you are left with is that you absolutely cannot allow it to take you down too. It is time to amputate.


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## Groucho (4 mo ago)

masterofmasters said:


> why do people allow themselves to be this weak? act on the excellent advice you have gotten.
> 
> your wife stringing you along while test driving her boyfriend...good god! i've never understood how people allow this ****** to conutinue for months.


never been there before then I guess


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Groucho said:


> never been there before then I guess


We were all shell-shocked when this happened to us, let's forget about what we cannot change. What is important is that you don't petrify into a state of inaction.

Your future starts now, but whatever has been left undone to this point, you will need to catch up on. Rather do a little each day than to wake up too late and be task-saturated to the point of another stall.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

You're handling this all wrong. She's the one who is making the bad choices, she needs to be the one to come around begging for forgiveness. You're playing the role of a doormat, leaving her to do anything she wants. There's several things wrong with this.

1- You're basically giving her control of your life, as long as you allow her to do whatever she wants
2- ironically any chance of "winning her back"is basically obliterated. Your doormat "do whatever you want I love you" attitude is weak and unattractive
3- your kids will see this and they'll either pity you or worse yet they see you as a role model of how to allow themselves to be treated by a partner who is deceptive and selfish

That's for starters. 

I've seen the occasional cheating spouse post on here, it typically goes like this: It's usually a woman, and she's begged her husband for forgiveness but he wants nothing to do with her, he's divorcing her and she's a mess and would do anything if he would only give her one more chance. That's how it "should" be, in an ideal world. You're the one cheated on, and you're the one that would do anything to get her back, you've got it exactly backwards. Be strong, be independent, find your balls.


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## Groucho (4 mo ago)

Trident said:


> You're handling this all wrong. She's the one who is making the bad choices, she needs to be the one to come around begging for forgiveness. You're playing the role of a doormat, leaving her to do anything she wants. There's several things wrong with this.
> 
> 1- You're basically giving her control of your life, as long as you allow her to do whatever she wants
> 2- ironically any chance of "winning her back"is basically obliterated. Your doormat "do whatever you want I love you" attitude is weak and unattractive
> ...


Again I wish it were so easy for me to forget 24 years together I know apparently she can but it is more difficult for me. If you had been through as a few people have said it is not easy, not black and white and not about me “finding my balls” it is about me moving on not that I am weak. The stronger thing was to to try, giving up is easier, but my family meant more. She ****ed that now I know but don’t criticise me when you don’t know me ,


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## Groucho (4 mo ago)

Dictum Veritas said:


> We were all shell-shocked when this happened to us, let's forget about what we cannot change. What is important is that you don't petrify into a state of inaction.
> 
> Your future starts now, but whatever has been left undone to this point, you will need to catch up on. Rather do a little each day than to wake up too late and be task-saturated to the point of another stall.


thank you


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Edited. Ok, I didn’t see anything that said he was divorcing her.


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## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

Hi OP, sorry this has happened to you.
Men who do best in your situation (wife leaves to live with her BF), are men who quickly accept what's happened and then act decisively to look after themselves and their children.
This includes going no contact with their wife, being very selfish about only spending time and energy on themselves and kids - no time spent doing anything for their wife.
Brother, she's betrayed you in the worst way a spouse can do, extremely selfish and cruel to her husband.
You can't nice her back, you can't wish her back. Don't sit there and sulk, it'll be death by a thousand cuts sitting there thinking about her with her BF.
Get busy, get her out of your life. Your job is to create a new, fulfilling life without her. That's what people do when their spouse leaves them.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ABHale said:


> The fact that you still wants to be with a woman that has done ALL this **** to you speaks volumes.
> 
> She has basically beat you to the ground then **** all over you. Then you ask what to do? You need your head examined.


No. That's not what he said.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Groucho said:


> Again I wish it were so easy for me to forget 24 years together I know apparently she can but it is more difficult for me. If you had been through as a few people have said it is not easy, not black and white and not about me “finding my balls” it is about me moving on not that I am weak. The stronger thing was to to try, giving up is easier, but my family meant more. She ****ed that now I know but don’t criticise me when you don’t know me ,


Your kids mean more.

Your wife is a figment of your imagination. She is showing you who she really is, believe what you are seeing. She is off ****ing another man’s brains out and you are hear asking how to save this marriage. She ended your marriage when she started a relationship with her lover.

It doesn’t take strength to stay in your situation. It takes strength to embrace change and to move on without a lying cheater of a wife.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Groucho said:


> Again I wish it were so easy for me to forget 24 years together I know apparently she can but it is more difficult for me. If you had been through as a few people have said it is not easy, not black and white and not about me “finding my balls” it is about me moving on not that I am weak. The stronger thing was to to try, giving up is easier, but my family meant more. She ****ed that now I know but don’t criticise me when you don’t know me ,


Yea, most of us had kids, much younger than yours and what we thought was a nice nuclear family. I know it hurts, I know you want to make it work, but face the facts that it's over. Once you realize that and let go of the hopium, you can move on to a new life. Frankly, I don't know why anyone would want to play detective every day with their spouse. Your spouse should be someone you trust with your life not someone that will stick a dagger in your back and shrug it off.

There is a difference in trying with someone who is remorseful and is willing to jump through hoops to put in the work and what you have.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Groucho said:


> Again I wish it were so easy for me to forget 24 years together I know apparently she can but it is more difficult for me. If you had been through as a few people have said it is not easy, not black and white and not about me “finding my balls” it is about me moving on not that I am weak.


No one is suggesting you forget the 24 years of marriage and you don't have to make any major decisions about moving on at this point, that's for a bit further down the road.

This is all about how you deal with your wife, and continuing to chase her and plead with her to come back is just a really, really bad way of handling the situation. Like I said, ironically if there's even the slightest chance that she would come back, you're completely ruining it by your "Beta" weak approach. You need to show her that you are strong, independent, and you will not be treated the way she has chosen to treat you. Even if you don't feel it, you need to act that way, hence the expression "fake it until you make it".


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

When a man’s wife goes and lives with another man——— there is only one thing to do.
Really not a lot of thinking needed here. Thinking is stalling. Stalling never helped a situation like this.

btw, it doesn’t take a stronger person to try to save a marriage in your case. Trying to save this is something a man with no self respect or confidence in himself would do. Not throwing rocks at you. I’ve been there. Your wife has cut you off at the knees and there is no training that a man gets in life that prepares him for that.
Just don’t tell yourself that you can “be strong and forgive her and be the better person”. 
That’s very similar to a kid that gets beat on by a bully saying it’s better to turn the other cheek. It’s not.

The infamous and fictitious Hodie Snitch isn’t fishing at Andy’s fishing spot anymore because Andy refused to accept the unacceptable. (Sorry if you don’t know who Hodie Snitch is).
Don’t accept that your wife is with another man, she “made a mistake” and will suddenly love you again. Accept that she betrayed you in the worst way, doesn’t live you anymore, and she is just as replaceable as she felt you were before she cheated. Then move on and endure the pain for a while and allow another more loyal woman to earn your trust and loyalty—- what your wife doesn’t deserve.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

farsidejunky said:


> Groucho:
> 
> Just to reinforce the point that many are making, let's imagine for a moment that what your heart wants comes true, and she decides to ditch the AP to return to you.
> 
> ...


This is the thing that I see many newly betrayed folks failing to consider. They now know with certainty who/what they were married to and they do not seem to realize that they will never feel the same way about the cheater again. How anyone can remain in a marriage where a betrayal like this has occurred is beyond me. What mental gymnastics must one do to ever trust or feel comfortable with such a person boggles the mind.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

OP--

You've gotten a lot of good advice. In particular, you should heed @MattMatt . His advice is sound, and since he also lives in the UK, his comments may be more applicable to you in the legal arena than comments from people in the US, Canada or other places.

In particular, despite how much grieving you are doing about the loss of your years of marriage, you mustn't lose the opportunity to get your legal situation prepared and strengthened. Otherwise, you may suffer financially and legally, in addition to the emotional hurt you are feeling.

As an additional note, it struck me that she has introduced her illicit paramour to her family and gained acceptance. That sort of reaction by her family makes me suspicious that she may have been denigrating you to them, and potentially spinning false or exaggerated tales about you and your marriage in order to make her decision to cheat look acceptable to her family. Could this be true? Furthermore, she may well have been promulgating these tales for a while, preparing them for the day in which she would be open about betraying you. If this is so, you may wish to counter her falsehoods.


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## Groucho (4 mo ago)

Thanks for all your comments, I am no longer trying to “win her back’ that ship has sailed but I did spend several weeks doing that, to try and keep the family together. Subsequently I have found out what her plans are now and realise I need to concentrate on the girls and I. I have maybe played this all wrong but as some have said there is no manual.
All your support and comments are appreciated.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Groucho said:


> Thanks for all your comments, I am no longer trying to “win her back’ that ship has sailed but I did spend several weeks doing that, to try and keep the family together. Subsequently I have found out what her plans are now and realise I need to concentrate on the girls and I. I have maybe played this all wrong but as some have said there is no manual.
> All your support and comments are appreciated.


This is not easy, not by a long shot. With your realization that trying to win her back is folley, your healing can begin.

What are you going to do today? Remember the list I gave you in my first comment, pick at least one item and take action on it or take one or more actions suggested by one of the other posters. Positive action for yourself, makes you feel better.

Why don't you just go to the bank, take 50% of all the funds in any joint accounts, open a new account in your own name and deposit it there? Cancel where possible or put a freeze to all credit cards and lines of credit you both have access to. That may be a place to start or pick another action from the list and do it.

Just do one thing like this for yourself today and plan the next thing to do for tomorrow, rinse and repeat. One step at a time.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Groucho People, well-meaning, kindly people, will often say "Oh! You mustn't poison the minds of your children against your Wayward Spouse! That would be wrong!"

This advice can cause a betrayed spouse to treat their WS too well and make children, family, friends, etc, think that they are perfectly OK with having their heart shattered and result in the WS being seen as a sort of hero or heroine in a sick romantic comedy, with the BS marginalised and left to rot.

**** that ****, Sir! Tell your daughters, their grandparents, other relatives and friends exactly what your wife has done, how she makes you feel.

Might be worth while speaking with the HR department at the hospital. After all, it's probably not the first or last time that the Affair Partner has done this kind of thing.


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## whammyface (5 mo ago)

If I was one of your kids, I'd be letting everyone on the moms side of the family know that condoning this affair and allowing that man around them is a Betrayal as well. I'd tell them that my mom cutting her AP out of her life, cutting out any friends that knew, and quitting her job is the bare minimum to ever be in my life again. And she will still have mountains to move after that. That I fully expect each and everyone of them to act the same. That they're behavior is unacceptable to me and I consider it a direct purposeful disrespect from them to me. That um drawing a line in the sand. That i fully expect them ALL to be no contact with my mom until she ends her affair or they all will no longer be in my life either.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Groucho said:


> I am no longer trying to “win her back’ that ship has sailed but I did spend several weeks doing that, to try and keep the family together. S


Look, you can justify it all you want but know that in your situation when the betrayed partner says "I did it for the kids" or "to keep the family together" what it really means is that they did it because they want the cheating partner back.

And when words are "put in quotes" such as "win her back" it's a way of saying "I didn't really mean that" but in your case that's exactly what it means.

Anyway despite the denial and attempt to rationalize and validate the past behaviors, you seem to be gradually turning it around and appear to be slowly moving in the right direction.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It takes time to process this stuff. Sadly every minute you drag your feet on divorcing her, the more tone she has to get her ducks in a row and screw you financially and regarding custody of kids when she divorced you. File first so you can control the court dates. Otherwise her attorney can have you taking off work snd going to court, just yo be told there’s a such abd such filed and the case is rescheduled, which can still happen but a littie less likely. 
no Best to wise up and see your cheater as the enemy she really is now.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

FACT:
It`s obvious that the OP`s wife has no respect and not in love with her husband, probably never been in love with him. The worst part is, this deceitful woman has probably always been a cheating wife waiting to happen considering her total lack of compassion and lack of empathy towards the situation. Where these women are concerned it becomes all about them and their couldn`t give a rat`s behind attitudes. What good man wants to be with and support a wife who is willing to give herself up to another guy? What this woman`s husband has got is a parasite that’s been using him and then will screw him over by giving more of herself up to another guy than her husband.

Her husband is living with a soulless, lying, deceitful, non-compassionate woman, delusional, self-esteem deficient, morally bankrupt creature. The good husband will be broken because she has nothing to bring to the table except emotional turmoil. In addition, she also has great expectations he’ll take her back if her plan B fails and will provide the life she feels she deserves. All this while cheating with the other guy she really wants to be with. If this sounds like a good deal I`ll eat my head. I say to her husband, good luck with that if he takes her back.
Who would want live with someone that is not what she seems to be at face value, not truly your friend, and is just using you while seeking her jollies elsewhere, probably giving up more of herself to her new guy than she`s ever given to her husband, including not even a thought of the phychological damage this may bring on the children?
This is the deal one is getting when married to a cheater.
Sorry my friend, in situations such as this, divorce is the most viable option, although I do understand it`s a rotten deal.


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## Groucho (4 mo ago)

Trident said:


> Look, you can justify it all you want but know that in your situation when the betrayed partner says "I did it for the kids" or "to keep the family together" what it really means is that they did it because they want the cheating partner back.
> 
> And when words are "put in quotes" such as "win her back" it's a way of saying "I didn't really mean that" but in your case that's exactly what it means.
> 
> Anyway despite the denial and attempt to rationalize and validate the past behaviors, you seem to be gradually turning it around and appear to be slowly moving in the right direction.


Probably true I was trying to keep the family together and part that of that family used to include my wife. She had cheated but at that point I still wanted to work it out.
That feeling has lessened as more is revealed and I wouldn’t take her back now. Time to concentrate on the girls and I.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> @Groucho People, well-meaning, kindly people, will often say "Oh! You mustn't poison the minds of your children against your Wayward Spouse! That would be wrong!"
> 
> This advice can cause a betrayed spouse to treat their WS too well and make children, family, friends, etc, think that they are perfectly OK with having their heart shattered and result in the WS being seen as a sort of hero or heroine in a sick romantic comedy, with the BS marginalised and left to rot.
> 
> ...


Well, I will make the well-meaning, kindly person argument. What your former wife has done is wrong. But its done, and she is still your children's mother. And as far as I am concerned, a parent's job is to look after their kids. The fact that she has dropped the ball on her responsibility does not make it ok for you to do the same. 

You now have a lifetime of family events to get through. Graduations, weddings, grandkids, and so on. You will need to be able to handle those constructively for the sake of your kids. It's not fair, but its how life is.

I managed to sort out my marriage, so I never personally had to cross that bridge, but I have watched others cross it. My advice would be to neither excuse your former wife, nor talk her flaws up. Don't make a secret of what she has done, admit it was painful, but don't dwell on that. Your kids have a brain, they will work things out. Meantime, they have their own grieving to do, and their own loss to process. When the parents go to war, I've never seen a case where the kids did not become collateral damage in some way. And I've seen only one case where they chose to write a parent off in the long term.


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## Arkansas (Jan 30, 2020)

Groucho said:


> What do I do?



I was almost exactly where you are - search my story

Your wife isn't who she was. She's changed - now, family and vows mean nothing, your faith in her, your honesty and trust mean nothing. She used and abused and manipulated.

Your wife is dead - gone - replaced with this new person. Do you like her like she is now? Or are you remembering who she WAS ?

Figure an exit plan that gives you as much as you can - get a lawyer - get one with your life.


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## Groucho (4 mo ago)

Yeah I was remembering who she was because I can’t believe a person can totally change their character so much. But then I don’t recognise her now and her actions show me she has no concern for my feelings and the kids are not a priority so she has totally changed. Life sucks


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Groucho said:


> Yeah I was remembering who she was because I can’t believe a person can totally change their character so much. But then I don’t recognise her now and her actions show me she has no concern for my feelings and the kids are not a priority so she has totally changed. Life sucks


I know of a couple of incidents in a hospital where very similar things happened, families were wrecked, etc.


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## Groucho (4 mo ago)

Quick update, got my daughter to uni and settled in. Was an ok day, my two daughters and I sorted it all out between us and faced it together. 
My wife then texted to thank me for sorting everything. She has missed out on one of the biggest days of our daughters life and it just seems so matter of fact. I hope she is hurting.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Groucho said:


> Quick update, got my daughter to uni and settled in. Was an ok day, my two daughters and I sorted it all out between us and faced it together.
> My wife then texted to thank me for sorting everything. She has missed out on one of the biggest days of our daughters life and it just seems so matter of fact. I hope she is hurting.


The love of your children will forever be your reward for being the steadfast cornerstone of your family. Your wife will most likely not last with her AP, try to flit to another flower and then another, but soon will fall to the dirt in the shocking realization that Chronos has clipped the wings she so easily used to whiz herself away from those who would have treasured her ad-infinitum.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Groucho said:


> I hope she is hurting.


It may take a while. She's all teenager-type giddy with her new life. Reality will hit her one day.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Groucho said:


> Quick update, got my daughter to uni and settled in. Was an ok day, my two daughters and I sorted it all out between us and faced it together.
> My wife then texted to thank me for sorting everything. She has missed out on one of the biggest days of our daughters life and it just seems so matter of fact. I hope she is hurting.


Why have you not blocked her?

I will suggest you set up a email just for communication between the two of you. Kids and financial necessities only. Block her on everything else.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Dictum Veritas said:


> The love of your children will forever be your reward for being the steadfast cornerstone of your family. Your wife will most likely not last with her AP, try to flit to another flower and then another, but soon will fall to the dirt in the shocking realization that Chronos has clipped the wings she so easily used to whiz herself away from those who would have treasured her ad-infinitum.


Well put sir


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> Well put sir


Thank you, sir.


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## olk (Aug 17, 2021)

Why did you ask her to work on things? Why are you taking the "beta" position? Cheaters understand only strength and firmness. Reconciliation is the grace that a betrayed partner gives to a cheater.
Women do not respect and do not like weaklings. They love real men - tough and strong, principled and not allowing themselves to be insulted. That's probably why your wife chose AP. I'm sorry for the rude words. Your only answer to her disgusting act should be one: an immediate divorce. Then she will understand that she is not dealing with a doormat, but with a man.


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## Groucho (4 mo ago)

olk said:


> Why did you ask her to work on things? Why are you taking the "beta" position? Cheaters understand only strength and firmness. Reconciliation is the grace that a betrayed partner gives to a cheater.
> Women do not respect and do not like weaklings. They love real men - tough and strong, principled and not allowing themselves to be insulted. That's probably why your wife chose AP. I'm sorry for the rude words. Your only answer to her disgusting act should be one: an immediate divorce. Then she will understand that she is not dealing with a doormat, but with a man.


Spoken like someone that hasn’t been through this. If feelings and emotions don’t make me a real man, then I don’t want to be. I know I have played some of this wrong but it isn’t black and white. 
And as for the AP he certainly isn’t a man he is a short little selfish twat that no one likes. The grass won’t be greener and their world will come crashing down. I take my solace in that now.


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## TeeTee78 (Oct 10, 2017)

Groucho said:


> Brief back ground married for 22 years and my wife informed me she was having an affair with someone from work, it had started as friends but became closer over a couple of years before moving to physical at the end of April. Then she spent 6 weeks deciding what to do, was it real and such. She actually told me on our daughters 18th birthday, I think the AP's wife had found out and my wife was forced to tell me.
> After that told her I wanted to work things out, we have 2 kids 18 and 20 and it would be better to try. She was undecided and wanted time to think, so we spent the next 4 weeks living in the same house, it did cause arguments before she needed space and moved into her parents. She did admit she needed to speak to the AP but it would be just talking. She was still visiting us at home and spending days with us. But I now realise that moving to her parents just gave her the opportunity to spend more time with him, because she wasn't at home so was free to do as she pleased. Throughout this she has always said she loved me and she didn't know what to do for the best, she really missed the children and she was really struggling.
> 4 weeks she told us she wasn't coming home, I still had hope, don't know why but I do love her. I have tried no contact and am OK for days at a time and then she will contact me and we meet and I go back to square, texting, ringing for a few days until I get past it. I saw her last week to discuss our youngest going to uni as it very much me dealing with it all at present, my 20 year old hasn't spoken to her for 5 weeks now. During that meeting she did say she was moving in to a rented house and it would be with him, she needed to know if it was the biggest mistake of her life but couldn't know until she did it. It is like all the pain is not enough, she needs to add another layer and make it more difficult for all of us.
> 
> ...



That’s the best advice!


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## Arkansas (Jan 30, 2020)

Groucho said:


> Yeah I was remembering who she was because I can’t believe a person can totally change their character so much. But then I don’t recognise her now and her actions show me she has no concern for my feelings and the kids are not a priority so she has totally changed. Life sucks


that's where this site/forum helped me ..... many people chimed in, anonymous, and they all said the same thing pretty much ... this happens. Often. Men and Women lose their minds, they lose who they are, they choose selfishness and greed and excitement and lust and throw everything away for it

I call that sin - and satan is exceptionally good at it ... remember, its not about destroying you or her ... sin is about destroying dozens of connections and adultery is a master at that

your kids will be impacts, your closest relatives and friend - in-laws and the relationships build on years and years will dissolve ... I think of it as a pool of water. You are where the rock dropped. The first wave of that is your kids, the second wave hits your family, then your close friend and the waves continue



Groucho said:


> Spoken like someone that hasn’t been through this. If feelings and emotions don’t make me a real man, then I don’t want to be. I know I have played some of this wrong but it isn’t black and white.
> And as for the AP he certainly isn’t a man he is a short little selfish twat that no one likes. The grass won’t be greener and their world will come crashing down. I take my solace in that now.



Life doesn't suck

What happened to you sucked, and you lived. You might have had a hand in cracking the plate ... but she threw it against the wall and shattered it. Big difference. 

It sounds to me like you know who you are - that's a good thing to know. Going through what you have will redefine you. I said before, your wife died in a sense, no longer who she once was. You want the reality ?

You died too. Who you were is gone. It'll be 4 years for me come Mat 2nd 2023 ..... a day I'll never forget. I did however, forget my ex's birthday a few weeks back. I was very proud of that ..... but I still think of her daily and the wrong's done. 

solace ........ she's a liar, a cheater, likely manipulative and loves her sin. That's a huge scarlet letter to carry the rest of her life. I don't know how they bear it to be honest .... and the AP? He knows she's a liar and a cheat, he'll always know what she is deep down and truthfully, nobody wants anyone like that. Oh for a short time, all that excitement and cheating is so fun ... reality will catch up.

Choose your new life now - its yours and nobody elses


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

The timing of this happening as your last child leaves the house is suspect to me... like this was a planned exit affair... which may have been going on for while.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

re16 said:


> The timing of this happening as your last child leaves the house is suspect to me... like this was a planned exit affair... which may have been going on for while.


I was wondering about that, too?


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## Arkansas (Jan 30, 2020)

re16 said:


> The timing of this happening as your last child leaves the house is suspect to me... like this was a planned exit affair... which may have been going on for while.


yep mine was the same

often you can look back at an incident that happened - that planted the seed of leaving- for mine, it was her Dad dying in 2012

for 7 years she planned, schemed, lied, manipulated and used me ... a long play, an elaborate plan. I don't think she planned in specifics as far as who, when, time/day .... but she knew she was going to leave

thing is, I could have been single at 42 vs single at 50, I feel robbed of 7-8 years of my life




but I agree, it was pre-planned at some level


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## Groucho (4 mo ago)

re16 said:


> The timing of this happening as your last child leaves the house is suspect to me... like this was a planned exit affair... which may have been going on for while.


We do still have a child at home although she is 20 and has her own life. But she is still here with me. So that 100% of being in their life has gone down to 10% if she is lucky.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Groucho said:


> Spoken like someone that hasn’t been through this. If feelings and emotions don’t make me a real man, then I don’t want to be. I know I have played some of this wrong but it isn’t black and white.
> And as for the AP he certainly isn’t a man he is a short little selfish twat that no one likes. The grass won’t be greener and their world will come crashing down. I take my solace in that now.



You can still make something better of your life than you ever thought possible. You will not hurt like this forever…And perhaps one day, you will find you no longer care about her world, you’re just happy you’re no longer in it. It seems impossible, but you will be better than ok. Just get through this season of pain and one day you will wake up and have hope for your own life again.


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## Groucho (4 mo ago)

Another quick update no contact from me for a couple of weeks but now she texts that she wants to come and get more stuff out of the house knowing I am at work. Told her no but she is coming anyway. I do not want to see her at all talked to my daughter about it she does need to speak to her and tell how she feels and needs space so she will be in to see her and monitor what she takes. Mental how has my life become this in the pay few months.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Groucho keep up the no contact and understand that we’ve been where you are and you need to let go of any hope or desire to reconcile with your wife. It hurt us tremendously to hang on to that hopium and we don’t want to see you endure the same.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Groucho said:


> Another quick update no contact from me for a couple of weeks but now she texts that she wants to come and get more stuff out of the house knowing I am at work. Told her no but she is coming anyway. I do not want to see her at all talked to my daughter about it she does need to speak to her and tell how she feels and needs space so she will be in to see her and monitor what she takes. Mental how has my life become this in the pay few months.


Why does she get to take things? Do you two have an agreement? If not, might be time for authorities / attornies to be involved.


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## asc1226 (Nov 16, 2021)

You may want to get all of her **** out of your bedroom and put a lock on the door. She no longer deserves entry to the marital bedroom.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Don't know how it works in the UK, but I would not allow her to take anything but personal items from the house at this point (clothing, medication, ect). I would pack up all her personal things and leave them outside or rent a storage space pay a few months on it and give her the keys. She can take them without bothering you.

She is using your house as a storage space and another way to manipulate you and your daughter.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

re16 said:


> Why does she get to take things? Do you two have an agreement? If not, might be time for authorities / attornies to be involved.


He's in England. A wife there can do anything she ****ing wants and the husband has to suck it up.

Groucho why not rent a storage space for one month and put all her belongings in it? Have your daughter hand her the key.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

re16 said:


> Why does she get to take things? Do you two have an agreement? If not, might be time for authorities / attornies to be involved.


Is this not filed and in the legal system yet?


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## Groucho (4 mo ago)

She came on Sunday and took her belongings, clothes and such also a few lamps and other ornaments. The weird stuff was plates, pans, cups she is literally starting a new home with all our memories. We have 4 place mats on a coffee table with each of our initials on and she took her initial and left the other 3. Strange! 
She also sent a list of larger items she wants which included our duvet! Again very weird why would you want to sleep under a duvet we have shared in bed together for the last couple of years. She also wanted the camcorder videos we have of our children growing up. Both these things she will not be getting they stay in the family home with the family!!
I actually think she has lost her mind at the moment with her actions and requests.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Groucho said:


> Thanks for all your comments, I am no longer trying to “win her back’ that ship has sailed but I did spend several weeks doing that, to try and keep the family together. Subsequently I have found out what her plans are now and realise I need to concentrate on the girls and I. I have maybe played this all wrong but as some have said there is no manual.
> All your support and comments are appreciated.


Doing the pick me dance always works against you. It may seem logical because most are in shock.
The reality is it makes you look weak and unattractive while making the new boyfriend look ever better. He doesn’t have to beg.
Limbo is a self imposed state.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Groucho said:


> She came on Sunday and took her belongings, clothes and such also a few lamps and other ornaments. The weird stuff was plates, pans, cups she is literally starting a new home with all our memories. We have 4 place mats on a coffee table with each of our initials on and she took her initial and left the other 3. Strange!
> She also sent a list of larger items she wants which included our duvet! Again very weird why would you want to sleep under a duvet we have shared in bed together for the last couple of years. She also wanted the camcorder videos we have of our children growing up. Both these things she will not be getting they stay in the family home with the family!!
> I actually think she has lost her mind at the moment with her actions and requests.


Nope, she’s knows exactly what she’s doing or she wouldn’t be doing it. You still don’t get it. This is who she is. 
A friend of mine said the hardest thing for him was accepting his x was just a typical cheater. Nothing special at all. Dims a dozen. They all follow a similar path.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Groucho said:


> We do still have a child at home although she is 20 and has her own life. But she is still here with me. So that 100% of being in their life has gone down to 10% if she is lucky.


She doesn’t care. That’s how you think. It’s obviously not how she thinks. Her actions tell you that.


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## jparistotle (Jul 10, 2018)

Groucho said:


> She came on Sunday and took her belongings, clothes and such also a few lamps and other ornaments. The weird stuff was plates, pans, cups she is literally starting a new home with all our memories. We have 4 place mats on a coffee table with each of our initials on and she took her initial and left the other 3. Strange!
> She also sent a list of larger items she wants which included our duvet! Again very weird why would you want to sleep under a duvet we have shared in bed together for the last couple of years. She also wanted the camcorder videos we have of our children growing up. Both these things she will not be getting they stay in the family home with the family!!
> I actually think she has lost her mind at the moment with her actions and requests.


How did you WW and daughters conversation go? Have you thought about moving on with your life without her in it. She seems do be doing the same. Might be time to close this chapter with her and build / create one with your daughters only and someone new.


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## Groucho (4 mo ago)

The conversation went ok she asked for space which is ironic because that’s what my wife wanted from me a couple of months ago but when I couldn’t do it she got mad. I am getting to a place where I have no choice but to move on she has made her choice, still hurts at points but I do know she is nothing like the women I knew a year ago, I don’t like her or her actions. Hard but true, it is amazing how a switch clicks, if I see her 10 steps back but when I don’t see her I am not bothered, in fact really dislike her. Sorry a polite Brit


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Better to start being brutally honest with yourself. The relationship is dead.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

When you’re over her in a year or so, you’ll feel sorry for the poor bastxxx that got stuck with her. Really. 
Accept the gift you have been given. Women like her are plentiful snd you were stuck with her. Now you have a chance to pick from much higher up the tree, where the good ones are.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Groucho said:


> Spoken like someone that hasn’t been through this. If feelings and emotions don’t make me a real man, then I don’t want to be. I know I have played some of this wrong but it isn’t black and white.
> And as for the AP he certainly isn’t a man he is a short little selfish twat that no one likes. The grass won’t be greener and their world will come crashing down. I take my solace in that now.


Your future happiness should not be based on what happens to your X. It should be only about you and your kids. I don’t believe in karma. 
Your wife’s new boyfriend maybe a loser but she picked him over you, your marriage and her kids. 
Two losers maybe perfect for each other. Once the D is complete block her, her family and any friends that are ok with her actions. You don’t need low class people in your life. 
As for your kids I’d let them choose whether they want a relationship with their mother. I would not encourage it or be involved in that in any way. I would tell them it’s ok to ignore her if thats what they decide.
As for friends that tell you they don’t want to pick sides. They are picking sides and its not yours. 
Definition of friend = loyal, honest and trustworthy. A great time to rid your life of unnecessary baggage.


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## Groucho (4 mo ago)

Arkansas said:


> I was almost exactly where you are - search my story
> 
> Your wife isn't who she was. She's changed - now, family and vows mean nothing, your faith in her, your honesty and trust mean nothing. She used and abused and manipulated.
> 
> ...


I have now read you story and there are many similarities, sad that they are not unique or special, they all follow the same shameful path. But it also shows me there is light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Groucho said:


> Yeah I was remembering who she was because I can’t believe a person can totally change their character so much. But then I don’t recognise her now and her actions show me she has no concern for my feelings and the kids are not a priority so she has totally changed. Life sucks


I believe, firmly, that if you really start to think back, you will recall instances where your wife's true self peeked out from behind her mask. No one who is not fundamentally flawed can do what she has now done.
Personality disordered people target folks like you, kind, trusting souls when they select a mate. Odds are that you have been rationalizing and glossing over manifestations of her flawed character throughout the marriage. 
I did this, as well. With time and distance, I began to recall events, behaviors, interactions etc. that, with clarity now, demonstrated just what a selfish asshole my XW had always bee.
Give yourself time.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Groucho said:


> *This is all totally out of character for her* and everyone I have told can't believe she has done this, I have mentioned midlife crisis but she laughs it off, but she still can't explain why she did it, other than she has changed, she hasn't changed, but it helps her justify her actions.


Nay!

It is out of character for the 'old girl', albeit, not the present one.

Many people change, and not always for the better.

And yes, it is a _Mid Life Crisis_.
It has all the hallmarks of one.

_That adverse event (or events) is set in brimstone at birth, and it 'times out', like clockwork. 
No, not everyone has these time-bombs in their future.
Oh, but, an unhealthy percentage does._


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Groucho said:


> Yeah co-worker they both have quite stressful jobs at a hospital and apparently she had a bad day and spoke to him about it, then they had another chat and this led to more chats over the next couple of years where it changed from a friendship into something more. She has been honest, sometimes to the point of cruel, but I did ask her to be.


She exited your marriage and started off 'fresh'.
Started off fresh, with new flesh.

Her _fate_ said that she would have two lives, hence, now *two unions.
And she did, she does.

I say *two because I do not have any background information to state, another number, otherwise.

...................................................

Note: It is likely you will have more than one union because of_ her_ actions.
Your fate was decided by her fate and actions.

You may very well find a new mate, that new flesh, to have and hold.
To make bare, to bore into.

Nothing new here, we do not live in a vacuum.
What 'one' does, affects others, and their ongoing lives.

Come out of this sad space, smelling like a new man, having just had a new lady.
A new lady, a new keeper.


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## Groucho (4 mo ago)

I do know the relationship is dead, I am nearly 5 months in now and I am a lot better now than I was a month ago. It still hurts and I still think about her and what has happened, what are other people's experiences on how long it takes to heal fully?


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Groucho said:


> I do know the relationship is dead, I am nearly 5 months in now and I am a lot better now than I was a month ago. It still hurts and I still think about her and what has happened, what are other people's experiences on how long it takes to heal fully?


Took me about five years to get over my ex-wife, that is, where I no longer was held back by the fear she caused by what she did.


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## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

Groucho, some men in your position (5 months runaway wife) do best in divorcing their wife as quick as they can, and ghosting her. No contact. She's lost the right to talk to you any more.

There's nothing but her games and your pain in communicating with her. If she wants to talk about the divorce she can talk to your solicitor. She's had control in this break-up up to now, you can take control by divorcing her.

If I were you, I'd never speak to the b**ch again


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## Groucho (4 mo ago)

The hits keep on coming, the girls and I got an email this morning from Apple (she has an apple music account for us as a family) the email said the boyfriend has now joined the family! I know it is only the family group, but how cruel, she does say she didn't know the email would come out, but still another punch to the gut! Absolutely know care or consideration for any of our feelings.


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## jparistotle (Jul 10, 2018)

Groucho said:


> The hits keep on coming, the girls and I got an email this morning from Apple (she has an apple music account for us as a family) the email said the boyfriend has now joined the family! I know it is only the family group, but how cruel, she does say she didn't know the email would come out, but still another punch to the gut! Absolutely know care or consideration for any of our feelings.


Time to cut all ties if you have not. Tell her you will no longer engage her on anything unless it is related to your daughters. Notify the AP's wife/ girlfriend work colleagues, friends, family you are no longer are together and you are seeking a divorce. Remove her from your benefits. Cancel are joint cards, separate all finances. Ghost her. This is best for you. Tell the girls what you are doing. This will insulate you and help with your healing.


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## Groucho (4 mo ago)

Groucho said:


> The hits keep on coming, the girls and I got an email this morning from Apple (she has an apple music account for us as a family) the email said the boyfriend has now joined the family! I know it is only the family group, but how cruel, she does say she didn't know the email would come out, but still another punch to the gut! Absolutely know care or consideration for any of our feelings.


Actually thinking about it this might hurt her more than me, set up my own family sharing for me and the girls, they will come off hers and join the new one for us which means she can't do location sharing, so she can't go on her phone and see where they are. She will feel that, serves her right!


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

Groucho said:


> Brief back ground married for 22 years and my wife informed me she was having an affair with someone from work, it had started as friends but became closer over a couple of years before moving to physical at the end of April. Then she spent 6 weeks deciding what to do, was it real and such. She actually told me on our daughters 18th birthday, I think the AP's wife had found out and my wife was forced to tell me.
> After that told her I wanted to work things out, we have 2 kids 18 and 20 and it would be better to try. She was undecided and wanted time to think, so we spent the next 4 weeks living in the same house, it did cause arguments before she needed space and moved into her parents. She did admit she needed to speak to the AP but it would be just talking. She was still visiting us at home and spending days with us. But I now realise that moving to her parents just gave her the opportunity to spend more time with him, because she wasn't at home so was free to do as she pleased. Throughout this she has always said she loved me and she didn't know what to do for the best, she really missed the children and she was really struggling.
> 4 weeks she told us she wasn't coming home, I still had hope, don't know why but I do love her. I have tried no contact and am OK for days at a time and then she will contact me and we meet and I go back to square, texting, ringing for a few days until I get past it. I saw her last week to discuss our youngest going to uni as it very much me dealing with it all at present, my 20 year old hasn't spoken to her for 5 weeks now. During that meeting she did say she was moving in to a rented house and it would be with him, she needed to know if it was the biggest mistake of her life but couldn't know until she did it. It is like all the pain is not enough, she needs to add another layer and make it more difficult for all of us.
> 
> ...


As someone that has reconciled you should move on. The mind movies and overall crap will never end.


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## jparistotle (Jul 10, 2018)

Groucho said:


> Actually thinking about it this might hurt her more than me, set up my own family sharing for me and the girls, they will come off hers and join the new one for us which means she can't do location sharing, so she can't go on her phone and see where they are. She will feel that, serves her right!


That is a start. A little weak but a start.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Groucho said:


> Actually thinking about it this might hurt her more than me, set up my own family sharing for me and the girls, they will come off hers and join the new one for us which means she can't do location sharing, so she can't go on her phone and see where they are. She will feel that, serves her right!


Just FWIW, doing anything to "get back" at your STBXW is wasted energy and just keeps you "stuck". Best to expend your energy for you and your kids to move on. You have a lot of useful things to do to accomplish that, and a lot of work ahead courtesy of the wayward.

For your own sanity and health, just drop the whole "revenge" thoughts. Spend your time separating your finances and communication channels. What you mentioned doing just makes good sense, but don't do it to "hurt" her. The best path is to go NC with her and live your life well. Life will take care of her.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Groucho said:


> Actually thinking about it this might hurt her more than me, set up my own family sharing for me and the girls, they will come off hers and join the new one for us which means she can't do location sharing, so she can't go on her phone and see where they are. She will feel that, serves her right!


Exactly, set up your own account for you and the kids.
Start with the Apple, then proceed across the board whenever possible.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Groucho said:


> I do know the relationship is dead, I am nearly 5 months in now and I am a lot better now than I was a month ago. It still hurts and I still think about her and what has happened, what are other people's experiences on how long it takes to heal fully?


A couple of years and a good relationship with a good woman


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Groucho said:


> The hits keep on coming, the girls and I got an email this morning from Apple (she has an apple music account for us as a family) the email said the boyfriend has now joined the family! I know it is only the family group, but how cruel, she does say she didn't know the email would come out, but still another punch to the gut! Absolutely know care or consideration for any of our feelings.


When you move on and stop caring about her, there will be nothing she can do to hurt you, such as this. When will you realize that she is just as replaceable as she thinks you are.
Get out there and enjoy yourself as a single man.


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## Arkansas (Jan 30, 2020)

Groucho said:


> I have now read you story and there are many similarities, sad that they are not unique or special, they all follow the same shameful path. But it also shows me there is light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you


May 2nd 2018 is when my world blew up so what ... over 4 years for me ?

I think about it every day I think. I dream about some relations to it every other night. Daily reminders of my family unit destroyed and gone. 

I'm 2 year in a relationship with a really great lady - and still all the above lurks just below the surface 

For someone totally blindsided by the person he/she swore vows to, gave complete trust and faith ... there is no more damaging thing to happen. Satan loves the people that does these things. 

I've read people here saying how time heals, eventually you'll just be nonchalant .... I dunno. I don't hate like I did .... I'm still very bitter about how all it went for me and what I lost. 

You're free now from the shackle of marriage (and I loved my shackles, but they are shackled none the less). You can anywhere, do anything - like truly you can if you choose without having a wife to consider. That's something to look forward at.


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## Groucho (4 mo ago)

Getting on with things, she has now taken all the things she wants from the house and contact is superficial, she has said she wants to reduce the contribution to the bills and only cover half the mortgage and will give my daughter money for food separately, didn't take long to see her true colours, all your advice over past weeks is coming true.

Thankfully I am in a lot better place, she doesn't effect me anywhere nears as much, I have told her family I want nothing to do with them and I have been on a couple of dates. So I have really turned a massive corner, thanks again for all your support and guidance. Still early days but a brighter future.


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## jparistotle (Jul 10, 2018)

Groucho said:


> Getting on with things, she has now taken all the things she wants from the house and contact is superficial, she has said she wants to reduce the contribution to the bills and only cover half the mortgage and will give my daughter money for food separately, didn't take long to see her true colours, all your advice over past weeks is coming true.
> 
> Thankfully I am in a lot better place, she doesn't effect me anywhere nears as much, I have told her family I want nothing to do with them and I have been on a couple of dates. So I have really turned a massive corner, thanks again for all your support and guidance. Still early days but a brighter future.


Is your decision final? Are you now seeking a divorce? Would advise against "dating" if your thoughts are still in limbo. Would suggest going out and having fun with friends and meeting new people. if your mind is made up, tell WW we are through and you ARE moving forward. Till then meet people, when divorce final then "Date". She cannot come back into your life and make it hard for you or anyone you are intersted in. That would not be fair and that ship should have sailed.


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## Groucho (4 mo ago)

Yeah kind of an epiphany, nothing serious with the dating but is has put a smile on my face. No limbo anymore I realise I wouldn't want her back, the way she has acted and what she has done is not any person I want in my life. Divorce in the UK takes over 7 months at least start to finish so not a quick process. I am in touch with solicitors and will be getting the ball rolling, I have told both her and her family I am moving forward. I have taken control for me and the girls and feel a hell of lot better for it. I realise it is not over and there will be tough times ahead but can face them knowing I have come through the worst and survived.


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## masterofmasters (Apr 2, 2021)

Good for you. 🙂


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## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

> I have been on a couple of dates.


Good for you.

Some men in your position have a lot more trouble dating again.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Groucho said:


> Yeah kind of an epiphany, nothing serious with the dating but is has put a smile on my face. No limbo anymore I realise I wouldn't want her back, the way she has acted and what she has done is not any person I want in my life. Divorce in the UK takes over 7 months at least start to finish so not a quick process. I am in touch with solicitors and will be getting the ball rolling, I have told both her and her family I am moving forward. I have taken control for me and the girls and feel a hell of lot better for it. I realise it is not over and there will be tough times ahead but can face them knowing I have come through the worst and survived.


What I have noticed after spending months reading dozens of stories like yours, is that broadly speaking, betrayed men seem to do better in the long run than betrayed women do. Maybe I am wrong, but guys do tend to feel more devastated at the beginning, and some men go on to spend a couple of years pining for the women who jilted them, but they always seem to bounce back well eventually. Often, they end up with a much better women than the ones who left them. 

Conversely, I have noticed that women who cheat and leave their husbands do not fare as well in the long run. They often end up living a life of tedious dead-end relationships that go nowhere, or they end up with partners who turn out to be nowhere near the quality men they betrayed and abandoned. So keep your chin up. You are going to do fine.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Groucho, it seems that I have met your wife, or at least an amazing facsimile. Emotionally deaf? WOW! I worked on just such a case about ten years ago. She was either emotionally absent or a sociopath. In any event, she had met the other guy when her kids were in their mid teens. She was abysmal to her BH. She basically told her two girls that they were obligated to "love and honor" her as she was their mother and entitled. The girls never talked back, however, she was so not there, that she did not notice that they were still living in the home their father provided. That their dad was the only non chaotic parental figure. She did not see that they resented the guy she left their dad for, nor did she notice that they resented every guy thereafter. She thought it a great convenience that she did not have to rent anything bigger than a one bedroom. Therefore, she was absolutely shocked when the eldest got engaged. She was not invited to several events. She was not honored as "mother of the bride" She began to bristle closer to the wedding, after all, a lot of her relatives would be there. She was informed a week before the service that the bride's father would walk her down the aisle. Mom was excluded from the ceremony. She had a second row seat, and was told not to make any scenes. She was angry, but was told by her daughters that she had abandoned them for a quick roll in the hay, meanwhile dad raised and cared for them. Mom said that she cared, but both daughters said she had a ****ty way of showing it.


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## Groucho (4 mo ago)

ArthurGPym said:


> What I have noticed after spending months reading dozens of stories like yours, is that broadly speaking, betrayed men seem to do better in the long run than betrayed women do. Maybe I am wrong, but guys do tend to feel more devastated at the beginning, and some men go on to spend a couple of years pining for the women who jilted them, but they always seem to bounce back well eventually. Often, they end up with a much better women than the ones who left them.
> 
> Conversely, I have noticed that women who cheat and leave their husbands do not fare as well in the long run. They often end up living a life of tedious dead-end relationships that go nowhere, or they end up with partners who turn out to be nowhere near the quality men they betrayed and abandoned. So keep your chin up. You are going to do fine.


Thank you, I do agree in the long run I will be happy and I don't think she ever will be, I would much rather be me than her. I will be fine I know that now.


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