# Wife freaking out - moving out to pursue career/study



## c088161 (Jul 16, 2014)

Hi there,

I would be very grateful for your opinions.

We have been married for several years and we're still in our twenties. We have a volatile relationship, however we love each other very much and usually end up sorting out our differences through talking things through.

I'm due to move away to pursue a one-year course following which we plan to live together again. My wife was very supportive of my application and celebrated with me when I was accepted, however less than three months to go before I start the course she had a bit of a breakdown and is begging me to defer the year.

This would be the second year I miss the boat and I just feel as though I will never get to do this course which means so much to me (better career prospects etc) and feel there will always be something to stop me from taking this step.

For some background, we married in our early twenties - too young to get married really - I was working full-time in a crappy low paying job and my wife was a student. I supported her through five years of university (paying all the rent, bills, maintenance costs etc) and she has only just completed her first year of work - a labour intensive but well paying job. I'm still in a mediocre job which I'm desperate get out of for myself and our future.

I hasten to add that my wife hates living where we are; she relocated here for university and ended up staying here to save some money as going back to where she's originally from would be expensive, but we're planning to head back there after my course. From her point of view me leaving would compound her misery and I understand where she's coming from, however I feel like time will be running out for me to do something I really want to do and if I defer it will get me on a downer for the next thirteen months.

The other thing is that she feels we'll break up if I move, which I don't think we will. She's worried I'll meet someone else and/or we just won't be able to get through it. She has lived away from me for a few months in the summer to work in her home town and stay with parents for a while, so although i'll be gone for a year, we've effectively done this before and been OK.

A potential compromise is me coming up to see her on every weekend that she's free, however I feel riddled with guilt about leaving her although I know deep down that she wants me to do this course. I do worry about her safety, but she'll be living with a flatmate (another thing she's dreading as she likes her own space, but I'm trying to show her the benefits of flatsharing - company/sociability, shared housework, security etc) and I'm going to research a few things that will keep her safe e.g. personal safety devices etc.

I would love to know what your thoughts are.... am I being selfish? I feel so guilty yet I went through years of supporting her as best I could through her course.


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

long distance marriages really suck. I know. and she does not have a passel full of kids to keep her mind off missing you.

I would not delay the course work. but is there some way she could move to where you would be?

Maybe she is afraid SHE will get too lonely and cheat on you, and breakup the marriage that way.


----------



## earlyforties (May 3, 2012)

If you're gone a year, she's flat sharing - doesn't want to and she hates where she's living something's going to go wrong and the likely thing is one or both of you meeting someone else - it's natural given your ages under these circumstances. 

That you say you married too young and you have a volatile relationship are also warning signs.

Might she look for work/relocate near to where you plan to study? Because the long distance relationship worked once before does not necessarily mean it will a second time.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A summer apart is a lot different than a year apart.

It's highly unlikely that your marriage will survive a year separation. Your wife is not in a good place mentally for this. And I think you have no clue as to the difficulties the separation will cause. 

Most marriages that have long separations like this do not survive. Look at what happens during military deployments. I think that the divorce rate is well over 50% for a 1 year deployment.

Since it seems that your life will not be complete without this course and resulting career change, the risk of losing your marriage might be worth it for you. Your wife will apparently not agree.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Why can't she relocate to where you will be studying?

A year apart would be miserable. I am concerned that her fears are valid. You got married very young. Either YOU will meet someone, or SHE will meet someone. Then, all bets are off for the marriage.


----------



## mpgunner (Jul 15, 2014)

You guys do what it takes to keep your marriage. If she has had a change of heart then listen to that. 

I'm worried that if you go to fulfill your dream, yet lose your marriage, you will really regret it.

My wife of 32 years was gone for 2 weeks recently. I about went nuts and was so lonely (house and bed) I couldn't think straight at the end. So glad when she came back.


----------



## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

TBH it sounds like she's being far more realistic than you are :scratchhead:


----------



## c088161 (Jul 16, 2014)

Jasel said:


> TBH it sounds like she's being far more realistic than you are :scratchhead:


Part of me knows this will be a strain on our relationship but im determined to make this work. at the same time I've been desperate to do this because I'm so unhappy in my current job.

We'll be about 90 miles apart which is a 2hour coach journey or 1hour on the train. I've considered commuting to make this work but i would be spending hours travelling which i feel would disrupt my learning on this intense course. She can't relocate as shes in the final year of a training contract. We've promised to see each other every weekend we're free since we're not at different ends of the country. 

Even if i delayed it for a year we'll still be apart next year but she'll be back in her home town closer to friends and family.

Taking it all in it would probably be best to delay another year until shes back home, but in all honesty I'll be devastated to leave it for another year. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Have you looked for a new job in the area you live now? Could you move 40 miles closer to the school and both of you commute?


----------



## c088161 (Jul 16, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> Have you looked for a new job in the area you live now? Could you move 40 miles closer to the school and both of you commute?


We've considered this but its important for her to stay where she is for her final year.

Whatever decision i make its going to be tough for me, but I know i the best thing to do for her and us is to defer for a year. She'll be even further away from me next year but she'll have a better support network with her friends and family around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

I would consider doing the one hour train commute. You could spend that time on the train studying. My husband commutes an hour each way every day to work. Not that big of a deal.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

c088161 said:


> Hi there,
> 
> I would be very grateful for your opinions.
> 
> ...


Now that reality is kicking in, she knows that distance will effect her life/your life/your relationship! 

And I will tell you that it WILL!!! Not only you are risking breaking your marriage, chances are high that it WILL end. 

Relationships/marriages require daily/weekly companionship (I believe that).

Hi there,
This would be the second year I miss the boat and I just feel as though I will never get to do this course which means so much to me (better career prospects etc) and feel there will always be something to stop me from taking this step.[/QUOTE]

Can she move/go with you? You are married now, what's more important your education or your marriage? 

Figure this out!!!



c088161 said:


> For some background, we married in our early twenties - too young to get married really - I was working full-time in a crappy low paying job and my wife was a student. I supported her through five years of university (paying all the rent, bills, maintenance costs etc) and she has only just completed her first year of work - a labour intensive but well paying job. I'm still in a mediocre job which I'm desperate get out of for myself and our future.


No excuses for age. I got married at 20....and had 4 kids by the time I was in the mid 20s........age is no excuse.

We struggled financially as well, that's just part of the 20s isn't it?





c088161 said:


> I hasten to add that my wife hates living where we are; she relocated here for university and ended up staying here to save some money as going back to where she's originally from would be expensive, but we're planning to head back there after my course. From her point of view me leaving would compound her misery and I understand where she's coming from, however I feel like time will be running out for me to do something I really want to do and if I defer it will get me on a downer for the next thirteen months.
> 
> The other thing is that she feels we'll break up if I move, which I don't think we will. She's worried I'll meet someone else and/or we just won't be able to get through it. She has lived away from me for a few months in the summer to work in her home town and stay with parents for a while, so although i'll be gone for a year, we've effectively done this before and been OK.
> 
> ...


I think you should do your best to go to school but STILL remain with your wife. 

This is important. Find a new school closer to home maybe? Get her to move with you....etc

You 2 have to reach some kind of a compromise, but whatever you do, remain together. 

Distance = relationship killer


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How far away is the school?


----------



## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

How about you guys living in the middle of both where you need to move to and where you guys live now? That way you both share the load of long journeys of train to take your course and her to work. Not sure if this is a possibillity thought since I don't know where you live.

If you take this course then will you also be working or just taking this course full time? 1hour train travel is not too much here where I live, many people including myself takes around 1 hour from home to work and then 1 hour from work to home every work day. It's tiresome but it's not too hard to handle and you can either sleep or bring things to doin the train.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

A one hour commute is nothing in many major cities. As other have said, you can do your reading on the train. If this is so important to you, that seems like a reasonable price to pay for it. Plus you won't have to pay for a second residence. Failing that, as someone else said, move to someplace in between. But I think since this is YOUR dream, you should be willing to make the sacrifice for it. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Do you want to be married to her?
It sounds like you are putting all your effort into this one program and not considering other options for work.
Why can't your wife move with you next year when she is done with her program?
In a healthy marriage, the couple works things out together to find solutions that will build each other and the marriage. This does not seem to be what is happening here.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I'd suggest moving somewhere in the middle, and both of you would then commute. 

Hey, you paid for her to go through college for 5 years and all living expenses while she did it, so I don't see why she can't make the sacrifice of driving a little farther to work for a year.

You've already deferred your education for a year. Defer it again, and who's to say there won't be another reason to defer it again a year from now? Screw that.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Lots of people have hour commutes every day. You could do your homework on the train.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

c088161 said:


> We'll be about *90 miles apart* which is a 2hour coach journey or 1hour on the train.


Oh my God, at first I thought you were going to be moving a jillion miles apart. This is so easy to solve.

You find a place to live halfway to your school and you both commute.

No need to live separately. 

BTW, I commute about 60 miles each way every day. Boo hoo about the 2-hour commute you don't want to do.

Make it work.


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

A one-hour commute is typical where I live. Traffic is bad during the peak hours. My husband easily spends that much time commuting in each direction. When I read your original post, I thought you'd be living hundreds of miles apart. Meet in the middle where both of you have a commute, but you're not living apart. Absence doesn't necessarily make the heart grow fonder. A year apart in a solid long-term marriage is one thing, but it's another thing in a newer marriage that's still not quite stable.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Agree with coffee. Hell I can do an hour commute and never leave the town I'm in. It's not ideal but make the commute


----------



## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> A one-hour commute is typical where I live. Traffic is bad during the peak hours. My husband easily spends that much time commuting in each direction. When I read your original post, I thought you'd be living hundreds of miles apart. Meet in the middle where both of you have a commute, but you're not living apart. Absence doesn't necessarily make the heart grow fonder. A year apart in a solid long-term marriage is one thing, but it's another thing in a newer marriage that's still not quite stable.


:iagree:

I thought you were moving a LOT farther away, but a 1 hour commute is nothing. My husband commutes about 50 minutes to work each day. 

If you both don't want to move, then take the train. You can study, read, etc. on the train and many people do that. Or you can both move half way and both commute. It's a simple fix. 

A year apart though can tear apart your marriage.


----------



## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

It sounds like you aren't really all that interested in the marriage. You say you married too young, your relationship is volatile, you willingness to NOT make this work. A commute is easy. Moving to a new place in the middle, a little harder, but still doable. You sound like want your own place so you can do what you want without your wife around. Maybe she knows this and is confused. She probably sees the answer as easily as the rest of us do. 

If you are wanting to separate from your wife, tell her you need time away. Don't pretend like a one year long distance relationship is going to work out and it's easy. 

It's not. I'm married to someone in the military. 6 month Deployments every year. On deployment number 7 now. Trust me. It's NOT easy.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

staarz21 said:


> It sounds like you aren't really all that interested in the marriage. You say you married too young, your relationship is volatile, you willingness to NOT make this work. A commute is easy. Moving to a new place in the middle, a little harder, but still doable. You sound like want your own place so you can do what you want without your wife around. Maybe she knows this and is confused. She probably sees the answer as easily as the rest of us do.
> 
> If you are wanting to separate from your wife, tell her you need time away. Don't pretend like a one year long distance relationship is going to work out and it's easy.
> 
> It's not. I'm married to someone in the military. 6 month Deployments every year. On deployment number 7 now. Trust me. It's NOT easy.


I agree. I wonder if you came here looking for encouragement to leave. Your reasoning for moving away from your wife does not make any sense to me and I'll bet it doesn't make any sense to your wife either, unless you just do not really want to be with her anymore, then this decision makes sense.


----------



## c088161 (Jul 16, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> I agree. I wonder if you came here looking for encouragement to leave. Your reasoning for moving away from your wife does not make any sense to me and I'll bet it doesn't make any sense to your wife either, unless you just do not really want to be with her anymore, then this decision makes sense.


I don't want to split from her. We've been through a lot together and without a strong support network and we do say we're amazed that we've made it through this far. I guess I'm being naive about the whole thing. A part of me feels that I've been waiting five years for her to finish this thing and now that she'd finally finished being a student I thought she would be supportive of me trying to pursue this i.e. I haven't felt like the support/appreciation is reciprocal. She knows that i sacrificed a lot to help her through this. I have no intention of leaving her or fooling around. I've always said that i would rather split than to cheat on her.

We'll have to find another way. The commute by the way is a 2.5 hour drive minimum because of roadworks for a new hi speed rail link. The train journey is actually 2hours one way.

Cynthiade, how do u manage with your partner being away for long periods?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

c088161 said:


> I don't want to split from her. We've been through a lot together and without a strong support network and we do say we're amazed that we've made it through this far. I guess I'm being naive about the whole thing. A part of me feels that I've been waiting five years for her to finish this thing and now that she'd finally finished being a student I thought she would be supportive of me trying to pursue this i.e. I haven't felt like the support/appreciation is reciprocal. She knows that i sacrificed a lot to help her through this. I have no intention of leaving her or fooling around. I've always said that i would rather split than to cheat on her.
> 
> We'll have to find another way. The commute by the way is a 2.5 hour drive minimum because of roadworks for a new hi speed rail link. The train journey is actually 2hours one way.
> 
> ...


Is she not being supportive because she is telling you not to go? Or is she not being supportive of you moving when the commute is 2 hours away? Seems like she is desperately trying to keep you guys together. 

Why can't she move? Why is that such a huge deal? 

So what the train ride is 2 hours? Study. You will have at least 4 hours a day of studying right there. It won't be interrupted. That actually sounds nice.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

c088161 said:


> I don't want to split from her. We've been through a lot together and without a strong support network and we do say we're amazed that we've made it through this far. I guess I'm being naive about the whole thing. A part of me feels that I've been waiting five years for her to finish this thing and now that she'd finally finished being a student I thought she would be supportive of me trying to pursue this i.e. I haven't felt like the support/appreciation is reciprocal. She knows that i sacrificed a lot to help her through this. I have no intention of leaving her or fooling around. I've always said that i would rather split than to cheat on her.


She probably feels like you are leaving her. She has one more year and then she will be free. After all the time and sacrifice, why not wait until she is done? I understand that you are frustrated with your position, but have you looked for another job? You have gone this long. One more year will go by quickly. It is for the health of your marriage.



c088161 said:


> We'll have to find another way. The commute by the way is a 2.5 hour drive minimum because of roadworks for a new hi speed rail link. The train journey is actually 2hours one way.


I am confused. You posted this earlier:


c088161 said:


> We'll be about 90 miles apart which is a 2hour coach journey or 1hour on the train. I've considered commuting to make this work but i would be spending hours travelling which i feel would disrupt my learning on this intense course. She can't relocate as shes in the final year of a training contract. We've promised to see each other every weekend we're free since we're not at different ends of the country.


It was 1 hour by train and now it’s a minimum of 2 hours. Which is it?
Many people study on the bus or the train.



c088161 said:


> Cynthiade, how do u manage with your partner being away for long periods?


We don’t separate for long periods. We would never do what you are suggesting to your wife.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

c088161 said:


> I don't want to split from her. We've been through a lot together and without a strong support network and we do say we're amazed that we've made it through this far. I guess I'm being naive about the whole thing. A part of me feels that I've been waiting five years for her to finish this thing and now that she'd finally finished being a student I thought she would be supportive of me trying to pursue this i.e. I haven't felt like the support/appreciation is reciprocal. She knows that i sacrificed a lot to help her through this. I have no intention of leaving her or fooling around. I've always said that i would rather split than to cheat on her.
> 
> We'll have to find another way. The commute by the way is a 2.5 hour drive minimum because of roadworks for a new hi speed rail link. The train journey is actually 2hours one way.
> 
> ...


It doesn't matter what happens if she thinks she is being abandonded by her husband. A husbands number one job in life is to prtect his wife/family. You can't do that living apart.

This is an emotional and biological problem. Throw your logic out the window. If you go, even if you don't divorce, the damage will be done.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

CynthiaDe said:


> She probably feels like you are leaving her. She has one more year and then she will be free. After all the time and sacrifice, why not wait until she is done? I understand that you are frustrated with your position, but have you looked for another job? You have gone this long. One more year will go by quickly. It is for the health of your marriage.


He said she isn't being supportive of his education and career plans, after he's been supportive of hers all this time, even paying for entire education and living expenses for 5 years. 

If a spouse isn't supportive, and this is the second time he's been told not to take the course, then I can see how he'd think if he delays his education again, a year from now, she'll have yet another reason why he can't take his course, and on and on. Without her being supportive, he can't trust that "next year" really will be next year.

So where does that leave him? Delaying his plans indefinitely for her for the supposed health of their marriage? How resentful is he going to become under those circumstances, and how unhealthy is that for their marriage?


----------



## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

CynthiaDe said:


> She probably feels like you are leaving her. She has one more year and then she will be free. After all the time and sacrifice, why not wait until she is done? I understand that you are frustrated with your position, but have you looked for another job? You have gone this long. One more year will go by quickly. It is for the health of your marriage.
> 
> It was 1 hour by train and now it’s a minimum of 2 hours. Which is it?
> Many people study on the bus or the train.


:iagree:

You're changing your story OP. You said before that the train ride was 1 hour long, now it's supposedly a minimum of 2? Either way, it's still doable to commute and do your work on the train. 

Leaving your wife is not going to go over well. One year apart is a long time. If you look at the divorce rate from military families, many don't work out.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

c088161 said:


> We'll have to find another way. The commute by the way is a 2.5 hour drive minimum because of roadworks for a new hi speed rail link. The train journey is actually 2hours one way.


So why can't you split the difference and move both of you to a new place--as many have suggested?


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

norajane said:


> He said she isn't being supportive of his education and career plans, after he's been supportive of hers all this time, even paying for entire education and living expenses for 5 years.
> 
> If a spouse isn't supportive, and this is the second time he's been told not to take the course, then I can see how he'd think if he delays his education again, a year from now, she'll have yet another reason why he can't take his course, and on and on. Without her being supportive, he can't trust that "next year" really will be next year.
> 
> So where does that leave him? Delaying his plans indefinitely for her for the supposed health of their marriage? How resentful is he going to become under those circumstances, and how unhealthy is that for their marriage?


I don’t think that is what is happening here. I think she is afraid of him leaving her. It’s not that she isn’t supportive of his career plans. What seems to be going on is that they agreed that he would support her in her education and career, then it would be his turn. There is a year left until his turn arrives, but he is losing patience and wants to get going on it now, which would mean he would separate from her. She is afraid of that and based on what I’ve read here, I don’t blame her.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

CynthiaDe said:


> I don’t think that is what is happening here. I think she is afraid of him leaving her. It’s not that she isn’t supportive of his career plans. What seems to be going on is that they agreed that he would support her in her education and career, then it would be his turn. There is a year left until his turn arrives, but he is losing patience and wants to get going on it now, which would mean he would separate from her. She is afraid of that and based on what I’ve read here, I don’t blame her.


Well, this is what he said:


> *This would be the second year I miss the boat and I just feel as though I will never get to do this course which means so much to me (better career prospects etc) and feel there will always be something to stop me from taking this step.*
> 
> For some background, we married in our early twenties - too young to get married really - I was working full-time in a crappy low paying job and my wife was a student. I supported her through five years of university (paying all the rent, bills, maintenance costs etc) and she has only just completed her first year of work - a labour intensive but well paying job. *I'm still in a mediocre job which I'm desperate get out of for myself and our future.*
> 
> *I feel like time will be running out for me to do something I really want to do and if I defer it will get me on a downer for the next thirteen months.*


To me, it sounds like he's marking time, miserable. I don't think their marriage is going to improve over the next year if that's how he's feeling. And his career certainly won't.

I see his wife paying lip service to his career, not actually being supportive. If she were supportive, she'd say, "ok, let's sit down and figure out how to make this work," whether that includes weekend visits, moving mid-way, whatever. 

Instead, she just wants him to wait yet another year in his crappy job which he's miserable in. How can he trust that in a year, she won't just say, "sorry, now I need x, so you can't do your course yet"?

She may be worried that he'll meet someone else and leave her, but she ought to be more worried that he'll leave her because their marriage seems to be all about what she wants and him sacrificing for her while she sacrifices nothing, ever.


----------



## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

If she rejects the idea with him willing to still live with her, just make a longer commute (or they move half way). Then yeah, she's not being supportive and he should go ahead. 

However, He isn't saying that they haven't had this discussion. In fact, for all we know they could have talked about this and he flat out rejected the idea as he is right now. He is completely turning away any option for them to stay living together - considering the commute really isn't that far - and she is probably having the same conversation with him that we are here. 

He said he will move away for a year and *maybe* visit on the weekends if they are free. It's possible she offered up a compromise of him living and commuting or moving half way and he turned it down. He sounds resentful already because he doesn't like his job - and that's ok for him to feel. In fact, if it were me, I would probably feel the same way. But I would also be willing to compromise on commuting to stay living with my SO IF I was interested in saving my marriage. It just doesn't seem like he really wants to from what he's posted. (I am still waiting for him to post again about conversations that he's had with her regarding the move and such, which could change my opinion of the situation).

Why can't they move half way? We don't know. He won't answer that. 

He said it was a one hour commute - now it's a two hour commute. The story is changing to accommodate what he wants. Either way, that's ample study time that won't be interrupted. 

So, she may very well be all for his education, but not for him moving away for a year. I think that's a reasonable concern.

It would be completely different if the school was hundreds of miles away.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Did the original arrangement, her going to school and him working first then him going to school, include a year long separation or has this been added later.

There is no way in hell I would consider being separated from my wife for a year, at least nothing I can think of. Yeah, no!


----------



## c088161 (Jul 16, 2014)

Hello everyone, thanks for your responses; I still have a lot to learn, but I've taken away some of the things you've all said and it's helping me see things from my wife's point of view.

Some additional info which may answer a few questions - she was on a five year course which she finished in June 2013. She is actually working now, and what she's going through is a two-year training contract; she is just about to start the second year. This is actually the first year she's being working full time since we've been married, which has been nice. Anyway, because she is about to start the second year of a two year training contract it's important that she stays where she is (not imperative though).

With regards to the commute my initial estimate omitted time stuck in traffic (assuming I travel by car) - big road works where we are due to new infrastructure being laid down! The idea of studying on the train without distraction is quite appealing though.

I think it was just the initial shock of her asking me to defer that led to me having a rant and I couldn't really see beyond the red mist. We have spoken about our options:

1. I commute - 2hour journey on the train one way so 4hours in total (as someone helpfully pointed out 4hours uninterrupted study time if I don't fall asleep!).

2. We both commute - likely to be 1hour 30mins one way for the both of us. Get slightly concerned with this due to the nature of her job (safety critical) and worry it may tire her out, but we agree it's an option.

I guess we've both had it easy getting to work the past year due to close proximity of our workplace.

3. I move out on the basis that I see her every weekend that she's free. This option has become more of a last resort and I will probably defer if it comes to this.

My wife is supportive most of the time e.g. agreeing to split costs with me 50/50 so I can save for the course, but at the same time when we argue a lot of condescension comes my way i.e. my job, salary, academic achievements. They're mainly just when we're having a go at each other... bickering, but a part of me thinks she feels she's paying for my lack of success i.e. why should you have a year out to study when your failures are down to bad decisions you've made in the past. Does that make sense? Regardless of silly decisions I've made in the past, I would like a second bite of the cherry, but I think sometimes she's annoyed that I messed up my education/career in the first place.

I do believe she genuinely wants me to do this course and do well at that, because it affects the both of us. She does want me to be happy, however I agree with most if you in that I shouldn't leave her to pursue this. As calmness prevails, it's becoming clearer.

Thanks for all your comments. Will keep you posted.

Regards
C


----------



## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

I think your wife is being awfully selfish. And, I think everyone here guilting you into staying is insane. So what that it won't be easy. That is no reason NOT to get this education you've wanting and needing.

People do this every day. Their spouse is in the military. Their spouse travels for work. Don't tell your wife she's being childish, but she's being childish.....and awfully selfish. She should be supporting you through this even if you hadn't supported her through her program. You willingly did it and so should she. 

Yes, long distance relationships are not easy. It COULD destroy your marriage, but it might work out too. It could work out really well to quell the volatile atmosphere, so you're both missing each other and really looking forward to the weekends you can spend together. Look at it THAT way. Consider how it COULD re-ignite and re-connect you.

I'm sorry but I can't believe the first two pages of responses I read that I didn't even bother to read the 3rd page. You and your wife can work out the logistics to move somewhere in the middle or she can stay where she is and you move close to the program location or however it can be done. Either way, I don't happen to believe a marriage is about what 1 partner wants. You're supposed to sacrifice and compromise. It seems you've done plenty of both, and now she should be willing now that it comes to your desires, your education, and improving your future prospects.


----------



## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

c088161 said:


> They're mainly just when we're having a go at each other... bickering, but a part of me thinks she feels she's paying for my lack of success i.e. why should you have a year out to study when your failures are down to bad decisions you've made in the past. Does that make sense? Regardless of silly decisions I've made in the past, I would like a second bite of the cherry, but I think sometimes she's annoyed that I messed up my education/career in the first place.


You absolutely have every right to take a second bite at the cherry. How is anyone supposed to improve if they don't start from somewhere? It's great that you want to improve yourself. We all have made stupid decisions in the past. She should be happy and thankful that you want to try to go for something you enjoy. It will make both of your lives much easier in the long run. It's good to hear that she supports you most of the time. I think maybe she is just feeling a little insecure about you leaving for so long.

I'm glad that you are considering other options. If it does come down to you needing to move, just know that it is incredibly hard and the odds are against you. You will have to really want to stay together and fight for it everyday. My H is gone every 12 months for 6 months. It's definitely not a picnic. But he loves his job. It takes strong people to survive it. 

I really do hope it works out for you and you guys are able to compromise on something that works for both of you!


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

c088161 said:


> My wife is supportive most of the time e.g. agreeing to split costs with me 50/50 so I can save for the course,


You consider that supportive? That's more like the bare minimum for what is fair. You footed the entire bill for 5 years and put her through school. Now that she has a high paying job, and you are still in your mediocre job, she only offers to pay 50% of expenses so YOU can save for the course. Why can't she foot the bill now our of her high salary, while you put your salary toward your course? 

What does she do with the rest of her salary? Is that in an account that is only hers? 




> but at the same time when we argue a lot of condescension comes my way i.e. my job, salary, academic achievements. They're mainly just when we're having a go at each other... bickering, but a part of me thinks she feels she's paying for my lack of success i.e. why should you have a year out to study when your failures are down to bad decisions you've made in the past. Does that make sense? Regardless of silly decisions I've made in the past, I would like a second bite of the cherry, but I think sometimes she's annoyed that I messed up my education/career in the first place.


Oh, this is a huge problem, if that's how she really feels.

She belittles you. She tells you that *she *feels put upon and at a disadvantage due to your lack of success in your career? _The same career that put her through years of school at no charge?_ And she also doesn't think you deserve to try to better your life? 

That's pretty nervy, if that's what she's telling you.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

We survived nine months apart early on in our marriage (2 years in) with no issues... If you start with the idea that it is a problem it will be a problem.

We saw each other twice a month at best, sex was great, etc etc.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

CarlaRose said:


> I think your wife is being awfully selfish. And, I think everyone here guilting you into staying is insane. So what that it won't be easy. That is no reason NOT to get this education you've wanting and needing.
> 
> People do this every day. Their spouse is in the military. Their spouse travels for work. Don't tell your wife she's being childish, but she's being childish.....and awfully selfish. She should be supporting you through this even if you hadn't supported her through her program. You willingly did it and so should she.
> 
> ...


Hang out in the coping with infidelity section awhile and the tells all about how great long distance relationships, military marriages, and marriages with spouse traveling are so great.:rofl:


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

I am glad that you two discussed this and are working through options. That is the critical in a marriage. But when I read the following:



c088161 said:


> They're mainly just when we're having a go at each other... bickering, but a part of me thinks she feels she's paying for my lack of success i.e. why should you have a year out to study when your failures are down to bad decisions you've made in the past.


Made me ask the following:

How great were her past decisions that it required you to fully pay her way for 5 years while she completed her school?

This is an issue, even if it only comes out during arguments. It speaks of lack of respect and/or entitlement. You need to address it.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Made me ask the following:
> 
> How great were her past decisions that it required you to fully pay her way for 5 years while she completed her school?
> 
> This is an issue, even if it only comes out during arguments. It speaks of lack of respect and/or entitlement. You need to address it.


It also speaks to how ungrateful she is for the sacrifices that he made for her to get her education. It's no small investment to put someone through school! I'll bet he could have taken his course a lot sooner if he'd been able to pay for his own education instead of hers.


----------



## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

Maybe my husband and I are just different, but we lived 3 hours apart for most of the first year of our marriage. Was it hard? YES. Did it suck to no end? YES. Was it necessary? YES. Did we survive? YES.

Long distance can work. Those who say it can't have usually suffered from infidelity. I don't blame them for cautioning you on it and it is alarming that your wife mentioned this as a reason for not splitting up. If it's your turn to get a new career, then go. She has her career now it's your turn. If she is insecure about the relationship, then you need to understand why.

I can only say this. Long distance relationships take a lot of a person. They are emotionally taxing and you have to be willing to make the extra effort to connect with your wife, whether that be through Skype, phone, text..whatever. I hope you find a compromise, but do not defer. You need this career. My promise to you..if you don't, she will one day resent you because you never made enough money to support your family. You are already seeing signs of that in your arguments.


----------

