# My Father wants to leave, please give advice



## Jimmy555 (Dec 10, 2015)

Background information

-My parents have been married for 24 years. 
-I am 23 and my sister is 19, my parents are in their late 40's.
-My parents have been great towards us children, providing us with an excellent up bringing with no problems or arguments between them. They have never cheated or thought about separation. We have lived in the same house for the past 23 years and spent the whole time happy as a family. Me and my sister are still currently living at home with them. 

My parents have been extremely busy with with work (especially my dad, he's addicted and has always worked long days throughout his career in the property selling business). He has recently taken on a more senior role (which he really enjoys) and has spent even less time at the household, getting back at roughtly 7:30pm and spending the remainder of his evening working/laptop etc. My mother has also been extremely busy with a course she has been completing for the past 4 years and therefore neglected house work etc etc.

Basically my Father has been 'off' for the past few months, i have been worried and asked many times if he is okay to which his response has always been 'just work'. My sister confronted him last week to which he admitted the following:

-He has had affection from another woman at work other the past few months
-He has developed feelings (love) for this new woman
-He has admitted he has drifted apart from my mother
-It started as flirting then progressed to dinner dates
-He planned to move out in a few months with this new woman
-This new woman has the same feelings for him


My view is that both my mother and father have been so busy with work and life they have drifted apart and lost that emotional contact they once did when they got married/dating. I can understand how my dad has developed these feelings for another woman after all she has paid him attention and given him affection which my mother hasn't been doing for a while.

What do I do? I have tried talking to my father and convincing him he is blinded by these new feelings of affection for this new lady to see that he's not taking account:

-My mother and how happy they once were
-Us children
-The family home
-Everything he has worked for over the years

I feel my parents could both be that happy again if they tried but my father wont let his emotions out and talk about it. He just says he doesn't know what to do. My mother wants to make things work again and has realised how they have neglected each other over the years. She says she still has feelings.

All of my friends said they would do anything to have their parents back together and some wished they fought harder at the time to save the marriage.

Any advice would be welcome what I can say/do as this is a very difficult time for our family at the moment.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

There really isn't anything you can do about this situation. It takes two people who want to keep a marriage together. It doesn't matter what neglect happen in the marriage your Dad is a cheater. At least you two are adults so you won't have to be in the middle of custody battle. Odds are this new relationship won't last but it will change the relationship you have with your Dad. He is going to be preoccupied with his new girlfriend so he won't see you as much. You won't like her because she broke up your family. I have been through it. Sorry you are going through this, I understand how heartbreaking this is.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Tell him that you hate cheaters and if he expects to be part of your life he better stop cheating on your mother, man up, and live a proper moral life.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Due respect, this is not your business. And as much as you think you do, you don't know their marriage. You only know what they showed you. 

And honestly, 23 and still at home?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Due respect, this is not your business. And as much as you think you do, you don't know their marriage. You only know what they showed you.


Agreed. You really have no clue what their marriage is truly like. Many parents put on a fake front "for the sake of the kids"...what they don't realize is the devastation kids will face when that front is dropped and the true nature of the relationship is revealed. Exactly what has happened to you!

Why would you WANT your mother to stay with a man who not only CHEATS on her, but is in love with another woman?? That is the ultimate in betrayal, and you should want better for her than that. Yes, your life may get messy for a while, but your mom deserves loving, faithful husband, or the chance to find happiness on her own. Stop making this about you and think of her. Tell your dad you will out him to your mom unless it stops. See what happens. 



WorkingOnMe said:


> And honestly, 23 and still at home?


Really? This is way too harsh! Hell, he is probably still trying to finish college! I expect my daughter to still be with me at that age!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

OP, I honestly think you should show your dad this post. Seriously.

Unfortunately, there is not much you can do other than that. Being honest about your feelings is never wrong, but you don't know your father as well as you think you do. Children always see things through their own lens, regardless of their age.

It's highly likely that your father has physically cheated with this woman. He wouldn't be so keen to move in otherwise. He wants privacy with her.

You have to ask yourself, what kind of woman would agree to cheat with a married man?

Your father decided not to divorce and let your mother go before he got into this new relationship. That is very uncaring behavior toward your mother. Even if your father was done with the marriage, even if BOTH your parents were drifting apart, he should have started separation and divorce paperwork rather than cheat on your mother. And it is cheating, whether it turns out he's been physical with this other woman or not. His time and investment is going to her rather than to his wife. Leaving your mom before he started up things with the other woman would have been the sensible thing to do. 

I seriously doubt that his plans to move in with this new woman will go as smoothly as he plans. This is affair fog affecting his judgement.

I'll reiterate - there is very little you can do here. All you can do is share your feelings on the matter, but it is ultimately his decision what he does. You can, however, choose how YOU will react to his behavior and his choices... what YOU will do and how YOU will process it.

Be there for your sister. I'm sorry you have to go through this.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

OP, if your dad was Bernie Madoff, wouldn't you be disgusted.

I think feeling disgust for your father would be normal. What he is doing is totally dishonest.

I think you should have strong words with him. What he is doing is not OK. It is your business, he is your father. His actions are also impacting you.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Tell him about TAM and ask him to post.

Oh, and there's nothing wrong with living at home at 23!



Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

I say this bluntly because to say it more kindly may not get the point across: this is none of your business. 

Of course you care about your parents' marriage, but it is their marriage, not yours.

Like others have said, you likely have no idea of what their marriage is really like. If they were halfway decent parents you would not know if either had cheated, not to mention any of the milder trauma that many long-term marriages go though. 

It was wrong of your father to saddle your sister with this information, but honestly do you know 100% that your mother does not already know about his mistress? Are you positive that your mom does not have a man in her life that is making up for all the neglect she has endured with a workaholic husband over the years? DO you know why your father feels so alone and unloved with your mother? Of course you couldn't know. It does not matter either way, though, because this is none of your business.

Your parents are done raising their children, thus they have no obligation to remain married for the sake of the family anymore. It would be nice to have a happily-ever-after, but that is not going to be the case for you. 

There is really no advice anyone can give you to help your parents marriage because it is not your place to help their marriage. You have no business interfering. They are both adults who are entitled to have love and enjoyment in their lives, now that their kids are grown. 

The best thing you can do is to get yourself into therapy if you feel you cannot handle your parents' marriage ending.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

@Jimmy555, I've been where you are (though I was a few years older at the time, as well as out of the house and married myself), so I know how you feel. It sucks, man. It really, Really, REALLY sucks.

That said, there's not much that you can do here, at least not directly. Your parents' marriage isn't your own -- it's theirs. As such, this is their mess to sort out.

All that you can _really_ do is (a) let your father know that you're extremely disappointed in him, that his actions are impacting both yourself and your sister (and, of course, your mother), and that, should he continue in his pursuit of this other woman, that it will likely have dire consequences for your relationship w/ him going forward, and (b) support your sister and your mother.

If, however, you want to have an even deeper conversation w/ your father, and hopefully turn him away from this path, you might tell him that, _while the grass may look greener on the other side of the fence, *the grass is only ever greener where it's WATERED.*_

You may also want to consider giving both your father and your mother links to this thread. It may be good for both of them to spend some time reading here.


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## Jimmy555 (Dec 10, 2015)

Thank you everyone for giving their advice. I have realised now it's not my decision to make as much as id like it to be. I have tried to show my father sense and that is all I can do on the matter other than being there for my sister/mother. 

In one mind I want him to be happy and in the other I want him to stay at home and be happy as a family but iv'e realised that may just be me and my sister being selfish towards this situation.

My father has cheated on my mother, I am not happy about that but my mother and father have lost so much feeling for each other over the years that it hasn't affected my mother huge amounts. She said she would want to make things work again but understands if he doesn't. 

Regarding the woman my father cheated with. I will never be able to accept what she did regardless of the fact that my parents were unhappy for many years.

Regarding my age and living at home. I am still in university and made the financial decision to live at home.

Regarding


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Jimmy,

Inform the OWs family, workplace, church, facebook and linkedin contacts, expose her to high heaven, or help your Mom do so.

Let the OW know that she will not be allowed to tell a cute story about how her and your Dad were soul mates etc, but the truth of her being a homewrecker will be widely known. Tell her you are a "HOWRECKER" bam!

Do not warn or threaten expose quickly and completely blitzkrieg and scorched earth.

Tamat


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Jimmy555 said:


> Thank you everyone for giving their advice. I have realised now it's not my decision to make as much as id like it to be. I have tried to show my father sense and that is all I can do on the matter other than being there for my sister/mother.
> 
> In one mind I want him to be happy and in the other I want him to stay at home and be happy as a family but iv'e realised that may just be me and my sister being selfish towards this situation.
> 
> ...


I smell a rat with this. You don't "lose feelings" like that. Something is up here. Something your dad or your mom aren't telling you. Nobody is that da** "understanding".

Honestly, in this case, I believe I'd just keep my nose clean on this deal. Talk to both of your parents when they feel like talking, and listen carefully. Try not to judge. I agree that your father is cheating and it is WRONG. However, I just see something going on here that is odd. Maybe there's more to the story...


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Jimmy555 said:


> -He has had affection from another woman at work other the past few months
> -He has developed feelings (love) for this new woman
> -He has admitted he has drifted apart from my mother
> -It started as flirting then progressed to dinner dates
> ...


Tell your father man-to-man, that going by the values he taught you, that if he has any respect for himself, his wife, and the family; that to officially separate and have a pleasant divorce from his wife, if he is going to pursue other relationships. Honesty, truth, respect, communication. If he wants to take a chance on the other woman, then exit the marriage; or give up the other women and take care not to get emotionally tangled while he has a partner.

Probably a good chance he's starting his MLC. And your Mum is going to probably have her MLC soon, now she's mid 40's and kids are old enough to leave the nest.
But you can't live their life for them, only tell your Dad to man up.


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## Popcorn2015 (Sep 10, 2015)

OP, your mother has a right to know about this.

You didn't say much about the other woman, but let me guess.... younger and prettier than your mother?


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