# Wife Sending Mixed Signals



## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Hello, I am new to this site and thought I would share a little about my situation and would appreciate feedback. I have been married to a wonderful woman for nearly 15 years and we have 1 daughter, age 10. My wife left in the middle of the night 2 months ago without telling me and she has been staying at her mother's (5 minutes away) since the day-We have loved each other dearly and deeply since we first met and the passion behind our love can also be seen in the way we have communicated with each other at times for years; namely, arguing. This is the major issue in our relationship (we both agree) and a series of very difficult life challenges (father-stroke- moved in with us in past before his death); mother has Alzheimers, temporary job loss (which everyone deals with) ; death of her father, all happened at once =-ending 1 year ago-and it seems we have never truly recovered from the stress of it all. And in short, since her departure, I have recognized that my actions (arguing, yelling, some back and forth profanities) were totally inappropriate to her 9and me) and needed to change as we were caught in a vicious cycle together like brother and sister with no boundaries. For the year before my wife left, she was reading self help books by the dozens alone, withdrew much of the time, and started drinking several drinks 9sometimes a bottle of wine) a night in the dark while crying. I tried in so many ways to reach her but I know now I was doing all the wrong things and was not supporting her like she deserved and needed me to, and she was slowly shutting down emotionally during this period. It was like a slow motion wreck happening and I tried so desprately to help but did not know how! I kept asking her to reach our and consider seeing a counselor but she did not to act. In May, I was just starting a new law firm after a career transition and was under a lot of stress and working a lot. My wife was extremely supportive and seemed very happy about all that was occurring. Suddently, once things started cruising well at work and I started backing off and coming home more, she started complaining of pains in her stomack. We talked and I was as supportive as I knew how to be and she was recieving my support well at first. However, after dozens of every medical test you can imagine (all negative), my wife told me that she thought her pains were a sign she was living in a toxic relationship with me. Over the next month she started making accusations that I was having an affair with someone (this has come up many times during the marriage and ironically,)(and there has been absolutely no infidelity in any way- I have always been 100% totally and undeniably faithful to my wife and have reminded and tried to reassure her this through the marriage and my commitment to us and our partnership). However, she seems so convinced there is or will be someone else despite my reassurances. Finally, a week before she left she started suggesting these romances she thought I was having again and again and we were fighting 24 hours a day and we both withdrew- I did not know how to prove a negative and the situation just grew completely out of control. In retrospect, I wish I had just walked away but i don't think it would have changed the outcome in the end now as I think my wife needed to leave as stated below. Then, one night, she just left. We talk on the phone, send emails daily now talking about our daughter and other things at times. We see one another often as she comes by the house and picks up mail, gets clothes and anything else -including visiting dog. It appears she makes up reasonws just to come by or call at times. She tells me she Loves Me all the time in every way we communicate-constatly. We have gone out as a family recently to movies, dinner and ice cream. She and I went out to lunch together for the first time last week and have two more dates tentatively planned alone together including dinner and drinks. When she first left, My wife first says she did not think we have the tools to communicate and live together; as time went along this has then turned to you are doing everything right (and I have done a 180 on the things she needs me to) and her heart wants to give in as she is heartbroken but is afraid to come home as she is afraid things will go back to where we were before in a week or two after she returns. This all makes sense to me how she is feeling but what can I do to show her things are different now because we both seem to be taking a new and totally different approach to communicating (we are communicating better now than ever before for nearly 10 weeks with no fighting or arguing at all- but we are not living together!) iWe are both seeing a counselor and she is seeing a psychiatrist but won't discuss what the basis is there. I am so confused because on the one hand she acts like she never left the marriage (we refinanced since she left, she discusses with me painting rooms in the house and cleaning stuff up in the house the way she likes, asks me not to move certain exercise equipment because she enjoys looking at the window when she runs etc etc etc). It's as she talks about coming home or will be home in the future sometime but she is NOT home and won't discuss a timeline or time to get home S SHE SAYS TRUST IS AN ISSUE NOW AND SHE IS VERY FEARFUL. It just feels like no matter what I do it is not enough and this ironically is exactly how I felt in the marriage. My wife tells me she needs this and once she sees it - she now says its not about me but rather she is scared to come back. I feel like I am being strung along in so many ways but we have made so much progress. It also makes sense that she is feeling this way so..... The problem is she won't talk about the relationship much at all together or go to counseling right now. She went to a meditation based stress reduction class she belives is the answer and insisted I do the same- and I did sign up for the 8 week class that starts in 2 weeks! My wife tells me she is soul searching and I do not know what this means. I am waiting patiently after 9 plus weeks but it is getting so hard. Is she strining me along because she won't tell me she won't be coming home? Are these baby steps people discuss? I feel so much pain myself and for our daughter also (who is convinced mom is coming home- and this concerns me so much!). I appreciate everyone's take on what may be happening and suggestions on what I can do to further improve myself, take care of our daughter, and give my wife what she needs to sort though things and hopefully make a firm commitment to work on the marriage.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You are very lucky! After 9 weeks your wife is considering you in her good graces! In my book and many books here...that is a relatively short period of time.

So short that your wife needs more time to reconcile that the changes have been made are permanent. It takes alot of momentum to leave your spouse without notice. She was in serious pain. Understand this...it may not have been the right way but she was fleeing from her pain. 

Keep doing the things that you are doing. My H left 6 weeks ago and I have NO indication if/when he will come back. No affairs/no abuse and after 24 years...it was all I could to stop a divorce. He thinks the grass is greener. I need to give him that space. It sucks. Perhaps in time he will see the light.

In the meantime...your wife is coming around. What you have written are clear signs. Keep on with the positive actions.


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Thanks so much for your insight. While I do sometimes feel we have made so much progress; sometimes it appears that when our time together starts to accelerate a bit she starts sabatoging the progress. Perhaps this is a defense mechanism because it is going too fast for her. My wife is an introvert and I am her mirror opposit5e- an extrovert to the T. It seems once we start making progress (above) she then puts the brakes on. For example, she had to reschedule our lunch today for good reason but then she never suggested another date or dinner-and sent an email today she wants to limit the time we spend in family time with our daughter because it is confusing for her and very difficult. I don't disagree with her at all; but it seems we keep taking these steps backwards. Another thing, my wife is so concerned what I am doing now- who I am with; where I am- again, seems afraid I am going to be with someone else- which I have no desire. I am here patiently waiting for her to feel safe enough tyo come home- but I feel so controlled that she wants me to live my life a certain way after she left. This summer my wife and daughter went on vacation for several weeks in the Hamptons and elsewhere but I could not because of the new firm start-up. I am now thinking of taking 4 days in Mexico to relax and get some sun alone 9and allow her to have some extra special time with our daughter). But she is asking lots of questions. Should'nt I be able able to travel and get some R and R now without her? However, iI am afraid she is going to think that there is someone else. What is the prudent course of action? Finally, while we have made some progress, lately she seems to want more space. How do I back off without backing off too much? If I do too much, she seems to feel smothered. if I do too little, she seems to get angry or think there is someone else. I feel like I am on a 1 inch balance beam! By the way, Corpus, I am very sorry to hear of your husband leaving. I don't know the details but I can appreciate the pain and confusion you must be in- as the same truly has overcome me lately. I hope and pray some progress is made to start the process of brining you back together, if that is what you want!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Yes, you've read her right. She is going to be defensive and touchy. Your relationship is on rocky turf. She feels it. When you go off to Mexico "alone" she is suspicous. She isn't secure in the relationship. I would feel the same way now.

I don't have a jealous bone in my body. Now that we are separated I look at other women and imagine if my H would like them and how I would react! I am going crazy. I don't do this often but sometimes it pops up.

I hope some progress for my H and I will be made soon. 6 weeks and little contact, albeit my own boundary setting, is very difficult. 

Keep up the good work. Try not to be inpatient. Time is all you need...plus a lotta work.


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Thanks, Nina. That is really good advice- grounded if I were to try to use a word.


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Do you think I should just postpone the trip? The problem if I do that is I will yet again just be doing something to do the right thing but my wife will never be experiencing how it will be if she elects not to come home again. Does this make sense? ie- Since she is at her mom's, she always has her mother there as a companion even when our daghter is with me. On the days our daughter is staying with me, I am in this house all alone with my dog hearing echos and constantly looking at photos of my family and wife. I need to get out of the house a lot (especially as I am an extrovert) and get on with life as best I can while she is sorting out what she wants to do. How do you do that without torpedong the progress we made- whether it's Mexico or out to dinner with friends or anything else?


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