# I cant do this... anything but this...



## HeartbreakHotelGuest (Jul 18, 2012)

I am mariied 12 years have 4 great kids. I am 42yo and a sahm. I started just a couple of days ago here on the reconciliation board and i dont think i can type the whole story again... As soon as i did everything hit the fan... My husband has asked for a divorce. I have lost him. I have begged and pleaded but he has stonewalled me. He has laid out to me the way he wants the terms for the divorce. I am a sahm he said he will pay for me to go back to school and pay for an apartment for me and the kids and that he will get his own place less than a mile away and wants 50/50 joint custody. I beleive despite his intentions that will last till the new girlfriend starts to *****... He says he has not cheated and that there is no one emotionally or physically... but for months his phone and laptop have been on lockdown and i found out he opened a checking and savings account in his name (because he let it" slip") and later found out he is having his mail sent to a coworkers house.

So needless to say i think its so easy for him to not care and stonewall and not try to save the marriage because there is someone else. He is seeking employment abroad after a 2 week trip he took alone to the asia pacific and i think it was probably a vacation for him and his other woman. He emailed pics to the kids of pictures taken of him - not himself - no weeding ring and all smiles...

I am beyond devastated i cray evryday ive lost 15 pounds because i cant stand to eat i am lonely, hurt, angry, frustrated........... and he could care less...........

I dont want to be alone I have begged, pleaded i've never really been alone - i know that part of the panick, i've never been left, and i am really scarethat at 42yo with 4 small children 11,9,7 and 5 that i will be lonely for the rest of my life... sometimes i think who would want me other times its i never want to risk feeling this ever again...

I want to touch him to feel him close he just looks at me with his dead pan face and reminds me that its over and we getting divorced...

I have no friends to talk to, my closest family is 300 miles away which is my old school parents... My moms great advice was stick it out as long as you can and keep a roof over the kids head... which honestly i want reassurance while my life falls apart. So, i'm turning to strangers... I dont know if i can do this...
I have no job, no car, no place to live when he finally leaves...Im 42 have 4 kids ... i swear i just want to die... there is no place for me from here... I dont know what to do.


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## HeartbreakHotelGuest (Jul 18, 2012)

I am sorry for all the typos, I wanted to make sure i submitted my thread despite everything he is checking up - ON ME! while hes got me locked out of evrything... so i had to be fast, i dont want him to know any advice that i get.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I feel your pain. I'm in the same boat. BUT I will not let HIM dictate to me how the divorce goes.

First of all, what state are you in?

Secondly, don't even listen when he tells you what HE is deciding he will pay you. THE COURT WILL DECIDE he will have very little say in it.

Same goes for child custody. You being a sahm for so long, you have a 90% chance you will get primary custody, not 50/50. And he will have to pay you more.

Do not let him have any more power over you. Next time he "lays out the terms of the divorce" respond with "I don;'t think so". In my state (CA) since I've been married over 10 yrs, sahm for 9 yrs and have no income my STBHX is going to be financiall ruined. And I am getting custody 5 days a week. And he has to pay me alimony for a LONG time. A quite large amount.

Please give us more details on your situation. Hang in there, I know its so hard 

PS. I'm 44, come from New Zealand, have no family here and just a handful of friends. If I can do it, so can you. Keep posting, ok?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Have you gotten a lawyer yet?? You need to do that, pronto.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Do not let him dictate what the terms of the divorce settlement will be! GET A LAWYER NOW

You've been the faithful spouse raising his children and this is how you get treated? Get every dime you and your kids are entitled to!


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Have you gotten a lawyer yet?? You need to do that, pronto.



If you haven't run...don't walk!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Yep. Take some action to get your power back. He isn't in charge of how this will go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your husband know that you are posting here? I find it curious that that the **** hit the fan the day you first posted here.

I agree with the others. Do not let him dictate the terms of your divorce. Go see an attorney to find out your rights.

If you do not mind sharing what state you live in we can be of more help because we can look up the laws in your state too, give you links to read, etc.

If you do not want to move from where you live right now you do not have to move with him to a new town. Tell your lawyer his intent to force you to move. Your lawyer can set it up so that he has to start paying you spousal support and child support immediately. That way you can decide where you live.

There are two kinds of custody... legal and physical. Legal is who gets to make important decisions about your children... Like whom their doctor is and what school they go to. The two of you will most likely get 50/50 legal custody. But you will most likely get the majority of physical custody. Child support is paid based on physical custody. In most states, the larger percent of physical custody you get, the more child support he has to pay you. This is why he wants 50/50 physical custody... to lower child support. 

So he's pushing for 50/50 physical custody to lower child support and then he's moving out of country? So he will almost never see the children. He's playing a game with you on this one for sure.

The other thing is that he is planning on moving to another country. I would bet that the plan is for him to get the divorce with the lowest terms for support as possible and then to leave the country. Once out of country he would not be obligated to pay you anything. Your state will not be able to reach out of country to collect support. Plus when he takes the kids to visit him in another country it will be next to impossible for you to get them returned to you.

You need to tell your attorney all of this because you and your children need to be protected from all of this.

Since it will be hard for you to collect spousal and/or child support once he is out of country, see if you can get a larger share of community assets to cover years of spousal/child support.

Is there any way that you can get your hands on the mail that he is having sent to a friend's house? Do you know the friend's address? Have you searched your house and his car to see if he is keeping anything there? Can you get into his place of work and just look through his desk to see if he is keeping it there?

He will have to disclose to the court all of the accounts he has, the source of all funds and how he has spent it. If he does not give his in discovery your lawyer and get courts order to subpoena the info from financial institutions.

He says that he will support you through schooling. But becareful about student loans.

In divorce you have the right to 50% of community assets and income. You also get to pay 50% of community debt. But student loans are not community debt. You alone will be responsible for paying those back. So if you take out student loans, make sure that you do not include the value of the money you get into calculating community assets or community income. Open a checking account in your name into which you deposit your school loans, grants, etc. DO NOT mix this money with any other monies you and your husband have.

See an attorney. Ask that the attorney fees be paid by your husband and/or out of community assets.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

I hope you feel better now that so many posters have given you some direction. I know it the comfort you seek, but their advice was very helpful even if it isn't what you want to have to go through right now. But you do have to go through it whether you want to or not because no one can reverse your situation. We cannot change your husband's mind, and we have no magic potion to offer. 

Try to pick yourself up and strengthen your resolve if for no other reason than your kids' sake. They need you, plus you will need your strength in the weeks and months to come. You have to force yourself to eat. It doesn't have to be a full meal, just little nibbles of something healthy. It could be yogurt or anything you normally like. You'll find that you were famished and will probably eat more than you intended.

Take everyone's advice to go see a lawyer right away. You don't have to be at your husband mercy and don't have to do anything he says and nothing the way he says. I really hope you feel better soon.

You can do this. YOU CAN DO THIS! And you will because you have to. You can do this, and you will be stronger and come out all the better for it. Be sure to go back to school so you can get a good job. You don't have to be afraid of love again. You just don't want to have to depend on anyone again.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I can promise you you will be surprised by the powers you never knew you had.

You will be posting from a position of strength in less than 3 months. You'll look back at these posts and realize how much strength you possessed that you didn't know.

Your husband will slowly lose his momentum.

These situations always end in an equilibrium that naturally occurs regardless of the parties involved. 

Just be strong and ride it out. My thoughts are with you


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