# Not sure what to do



## Joe43 (Aug 29, 2012)

Ok so here's my story...sorry for the long one!

My wife and I have been married for 3 years. We dated and lived together for 7 combined and have a 6 year old son. Our relationship hasn't been righ for a long time but I love my son and finally convinced her to marry me after a long engagement. We were living in her ex and her home for about 5 years until recently. I helped her pay her previous mortgage and paid all the property taxes myself even though I received no tax benefits and the home was still in her and her ex's name. I paid 60% of the bills she paid 40. I paid for all the child daycare and groceries. I also did all the shopping for groceries and all the cooking. 

We moved recently into a 500,000 home based on OUR salaries. I make six figures plus and she was making about 70k. Her job was killing her literally so we decide to talk about her working for my company. She talked with her company and they offered her a 60k severance package. This was great because where I work is commission only and this would get her going through the first year. Well she spent all that money in two months paying off her bills and buying stuff that we did not need. I told her not to do this but she did it anyway. 

Now she is making about 3-5000 a month and since february she has not put one penny in to cover the family bills. She claims she has to pay off her cc debt, gas, and cell phone and doesn't have anything left. 

I pay our huge mortgage bill, electric, water, gas, cable, baby sitter, poa dues, pay for all entertainment, pay for and shop for all groceries, due 95% of cooking( she will throw some chicken nuggets and fries in the oven for our son but does no cooking for the family),I do the dishes every night, I mow and take care of the yard, and recently she stopped doing only my laundry because she is angry at me. I also paid for all the furniture in the home and bought her a 7000 couch she just had to have that I am still paying for as well. I also help clean around the house and help with our son. 

In the bedroom...she sleeps with our 6 year old in his bed every night...even when we get along...which is more and more a rare occasion..she still sleeps in his bed. I have talked with her time and time again about how this makes me feel. It has no affect or it may for a day then it's back to her sleeping in another room. Then she walks downstairs every morning and expects me to be happy. Also on the rare occasion that we have sex, which I usually have to ask or beg for, I hear can you hurry up and get it over with? Or don't touch that....I don't want to do that...you get the picture I'm sure. 

Now that we are working for the same company she says I know we are not getting along but can you please keep our personal life separate from work and help me when I need help....I bite my tongue and do but it is unappreciated and she says I am not helping enough. I am having a hard time trying to separate the two...

What threw us over the edge recently was that I went out of town with about 15 guy friends and spent the weekend away...FYI 80% of the guys were married. Also in 7 years together, I have not gone out with my friends without her and NEVER have a guys night out. I come home every night and help tak care of my son and I enjoy doing that. The reason I went to this party....yes it was a bachelor party but the reason I went....

My best friend of 30 years was married recently. I didn't go to his bachelor party because she freaked out....but she went to his wife's bachelorette party. She barely knows this girl. She was going to a bridal shower that turned into a party afterwards. So after she did this, I told myself I am going to this one no matter what...

There's more I could write but I think you can get a clear picture from this....

I know I should probably drop her and move on but I am worried about how it will affect my son and our relationship. 

Your thoughts and prayers are welcome....


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## Joe43 (Aug 29, 2012)

I see a lot of people have viewed but no one has replied...I am really looking for some perspective. 

If you can please let me know your thoughts. 

Thanks


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Your wife sounds like a selfish person. Not only that, but what alarmed me most about your post is when you said this:



> Our relationship hasn't been righ for a long time but I love my son and *finally convinced her to marry me *after a long engagement


After seeing what you do for her, and reading that, my thought is that she doesn't love you. Not really. All of her actions in your relationship point to that... she doesn't even sleep in the same bed with you at night. That's crazy.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

^^^ I agree! 

And what the h#ll kind of work pays THAT much on strictly commission?


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

If your best friend told you this same story what would your response to them be ?? If I heard it your right I would be looking for someone else to marry and that would be more responsible with money, It seems like she was just wanting someone to take care of her and do everything maybe this is why she is divorced to begin with ?? if after sitting her down and talking to her about your concerns doesnt work I feel you should move on instead of being used 

Good Luck


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I suppose the reason you have no replies is because the answer is simple you need counselling.
There is something wrong with your marriage and youre not going to manage doing anything about it without it.
Get your wife to come on here and tell us her part on the story.


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## Dewy (Aug 29, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Your wife sounds like a selfish person. Not only that, but what alarmed me most about your post is when you said this:
> 
> 
> 
> After seeing what you do for her, and reading that, my thought is that she doesn't love you. Not really. All of her actions in your relationship point to that... she doesn't even sleep in the same bed with you at night. That's crazy.


She has settled for you, and does not love you. Do what you need to do to get her into MC or move on. 
One or both of you will be cheating sooner than latter


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## Joe43 (Aug 29, 2012)

Thanks for the replies...unfortunately you are all right and I have known it for a while. I guess I a just afraid to step away because my son will think I left him. He counts on me so much and plays with me everyday. 

I just got off the phone with 4 counselors...I am giving her the option of choosing. 2 men and 2 women. 

The last time I tried to get her to go she said...a counselor isn't going to tell me anything I don't already know...

But this is my last attempt to reach her....I have already met with a lawyer. 

I afraid to lose my home...though she can't afford to pay for it. And I afraid to not see my son everyday. I love him so much. 

But I want to be happy and i haven't been for a long time. 

Thank you again for the responses.


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## Joe43 (Aug 29, 2012)

accept said:


> I suppose the reason you have no replies is because the answer is simple you need counselling.
> There is something wrong with your marriage and youre not going to manage doing anything about it without it.
> Get your wife to come on here and tell us her part on the story.




She will tell you that she thinks I am selfish and controlling but in my opinion it is the opposite. She will not let me see my friends, she tells me where to use the bathroom, comes and goes as she pleases,tells me how I should sweep and mop better, tells me how to drive, won't let me use her vehicle....I could go on and on. I know there are always two parts to every story but I am a nice guy and only want what's best for are family.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Stop being a "nice guy". Read up on the 180. You can do a search on TAM for it. Remember, the 180 is for you; not for her.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Joe43 said:


> She will tell you that she thinks I am selfish and controlling but in my opinion it is the opposite. She will not let me see my friends, she tells me where to use the bathroom, comes and goes as she pleases,tells me how I should sweep and mop better, tells me how to drive, won't let me use her vehicle....I could go on and on. I know there are always two parts to every story but I am a nice guy and only want what's best for are family.


And nice guys finish last buddy. You're finding that one out right now.

That lady is a dictator and a user. Not wife material.


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## Joe43 (Aug 29, 2012)

southern wife said:


> ^^^ I agree!
> 
> And what the h#ll kind of work pays THAT much on strictly commission?



I have been in the merchant services industry for about 20 years and with the same company for over 10. residuals add up!

Really it is a great job and has provided so much for my family. There isn't really anything we need or have needed that I don't provide. That is why it kills me to be treated the way I am treated.


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## Joe43 (Aug 29, 2012)

southern wife said:


> Stop being a "nice guy". Read up on the 180. You can do a search on TAM for it. Remember, the 180 is for you; not for her.


What is the 180? 

Oh and I have stopped being a nice guy as of this week. I am not doing the dishes or anything else for her...I am taking care of myself and have started to go out and enjoy myself. The dishes are piled a mile high...Im not doing them. I have also started back to the gym. I don't allow her to ruin my day...I took all of her picture down in my room and will no longer help her with work. I no longer cook for her or help clean around the house.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

It sounds like you've already started the 180. Doing for yourself. Taking care of you. The opposite of what you've been doing.


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## Joe43 (Aug 29, 2012)

The problem is she is very spiteful. When I went out of town with my friends. She took our son to an amusement park and spent $700 on our credit card that she won't help pay...soon I'm afraid she will start going out and probably cheat. Is there a book or something call the 180?


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

This 180 list may help.
--------------------------


For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.

Taken from here: http://www.network54.com/Forum/233195/thread/1302875291/last-1302891381/The+180


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## Joe43 (Aug 29, 2012)

Wonderful advise. Thank you.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Well get your wife to come and say all those things on here. Let the people here judge you both.


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## Joe43 (Aug 29, 2012)

Unfortunately that would not be an option. If I told her what I was doing she would have a fit. I can't get her to go to counseling....I would have a hard time getting her to do something like this. I have never tried this before either and it can be a little scary to put your business out there to a bunch of people on the web. 

I wouldn't even know how to approach her...she won't communicate with me at all right now.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Joe43 said:


> Unfortunately that would not be an option. If I told her what I was doing she would have a fit. I can't get her to go to counseling....I would have a hard time getting her to do something like this. I have never tried this before either and it can be a little scary to put your business out there to a bunch of people on the web.
> 
> I wouldn't even know how to approach her...she won't communicate with me at all right now.


She's a real peach huh?

I'm sorry. Women like her give the rest of us who really try and appreciate a good man a bad wrap.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Ler her have a fit! Youre anonymous no one knows who you are. In your position I cant see it making matters any worse. Let her read it at least. Just print it all out and offer it to her. 
Think to yourself what is the worst that can happen.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Joe43 said:


> What is the 180?
> 
> Oh and I have stopped being a nice guy as of this week. I am not doing the dishes or anything else for her...I am taking care of myself and have started to go out and enjoy myself. The dishes are piled a mile high...Im not doing them. I have also started back to the gym. I don't allow her to ruin my day...I took all of her picture down in my room and will no longer help her with work. I no longer cook for her or help clean around the house.


Joe, I won't tell you what to do, but I wouldn't be worried about how pissed off anyone who treated me like that felt. They'd be worried they didn't stop their behavior in time. 

Here are the links, make the best of them.

180 List - No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group

No More Mr. Nice Guy

You don't need her to make you happy, you only need you to make you happy. Good luck.


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## Joe43 (Aug 29, 2012)

Thanks for the advice everyone. It feels good to know that other people can see I am trying to do the right thing. It's tough when there's no one to talk to about stuff like this....family will always take up for me and may not be objective. Its nice to hear the words of encouragement and direction.


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## Joe43 (Aug 29, 2012)

Quick question...should I keep wearing my ring? Even if she doesn't...


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Joe43 said:


> Quick question...should I keep wearing my ring? Even if she doesn't...


Do you feel married? The ring is a symbol and outwardly expression of your marriage. Doesn't make you single not to wear it, but it makes a statement by not doing so doesn't it?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Wow! She took her ring off?

Joe, what ever makes you feel comfortable. It's a statement, on you respect your vows till they are dissolved, off you feel the vows have been broken and a worthless.


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## Joe43 (Aug 29, 2012)

I'm still wearing because like you said...we are still married until divorse. But I feel shunned when I wear mine and she goes to work or out and she is not wearing hers.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Joe43 said:


> I'm still wearing because like you said...we are still married until divorse. But I feel shunned when I wear mine and she goes to work or out and she is not wearing hers.


She is not respecting you are the M so why are you? 

You need to be more assertive and not scared of her (or of losing her). You have put up with too much crap from her and you need to stop that today. You are the man of the house, not the maid, take control.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Joe43 said:


> I'm still wearing because like you said...we are still married until divorse. But I feel shunned when I wear mine and she goes to work or out and she is not wearing hers.


Joe, who cares what she does? Can I say that more clearly for you to understand? She surly doesn't care about what you think. The sooner you see that, the better you'll feel. 

You need to do the 180 and read "No More Mr Nice Guy" now! Take the quiz on the site. You'll see yourself and how your behaviors are contributing to her treating you like $hit. 

Do your parents and her's know how badly she's acting as a wife and mother? Maybe you can ask her parents to take her back, since she didn't listen to what they taught her about family life.
Just joking about her parents teaching, but if she treated me like she's treating you, I'd have her Dad come and pick her and her bags up.


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## Joe43 (Aug 29, 2012)

Unfortunately she is over 45... And her parents are disfunctional and live in another state. I'm in over my head. I am going to read up on the 180 and suggested reading material. 

Update, I found out how she paid for the amusement park trip...on a joint credit card that I pay. Unbelievable. I know but unfortunately true.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Joe43 said:


> I'm still wearing because like you said...we are still married until divorse. But I feel shunned when I wear mine and she goes to work or out and she is not wearing hers.


Have you asked her why she stopped wearing her ring? :scratchhead:


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## Joe43 (Aug 29, 2012)

No not recently...in the past I just got angry about it. We have terrible communication. I know that is my fault as well. I feel when I try to talk to her and explain my side I get attacked or my view is belittled. 

I am going to a counselor next week with or without her....


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