# Need Man's Point of View



## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

So my husband is cook/chef and has a 40 hour/week job in this profession. I have been laid off from my job, but am working part time, in school part time, and I watch our child most of times (especially during the day, because we can't afford daycare.) All I ask of my husband is that he cooks dinner. Me, I despise cooking. I have picked up one day of cooking because he said he was burnt out from cooking and I cook when he has to work in the evenings every other weekend. I also take care of the household cleaning, grocery shopping, complete budgeting and money management (per his request), most laundry, and all dishwashing (even on the days I cook.) I've started cooking breakfast for the family on the days he's off to let him sleep in and I guess alleviate some of his burnt out feeling. I'm just wondering if its just too much to ask of him. I'm contributing to the running of the household by taking care of a few things. I just kind of think this "i'm burnt out" thing is a lazy statement. He's much better at cooking, can get it done quicker, and with less effort. What's your thoughts?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

He's already doing it for 40hrs/wk, what really in another 4 or 5 for the ones he loves most? Though I would say he desparately needs someone to make a good meal for him once in awhile. But it is very typical for someone with an occupation to not bring it home, I know many mechanics with brokedown cars, painters with peeling paint and holes in their walls, plumbers with leaky faucets etc. He probably thinks of cooking as work, and desparately doesn't want to have to think of his job in his own home.


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

Lon, thank you for your response. I understand him not wanting to bring work home, but when I tell you this guy loves to cook. Always watching cooking shows, reading articles on cooking, planning BBQs and cookouts. Its definately not just work for him. And I do cook 1-3 days a week. Him cooking 4 or five more hours. No, for him 1 hour at the most. If its 2 hours its because he's getting all fancy which I told him he doesn't have to do all that. I personally don't care what he cooks. I'll eat whatever (long as its healthy and balanced), I'm just glad to have that part of the household taken care of and our child is fed. He can make an awesome meal out of cornstarch, veggies, and milk (maybe exaggerating, but you know what I'm getting at.) I can't do that. I have to find recipes, make sure the ingredients are there, make sure it doesn't have ingredients out of our budget and on and on. Its no effort for him. I grocery shop and bring home what fits our money and he works his magic.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Maybe it's more about cooking for 8 or 9 hours and then coming home and jumping right into cooking more?

I'm not a "real" cook...but I greatly enjoy cooking. I do not however, enjoy cooking after work. So I cook about 2 or 3 times a week and heat up / re-mix the rest of the time....maybe it more about timing and energy/enthusiasm at that particular point in the day than it is the task itself?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

maccheese said:


> I just kind of think this "i'm burnt out" thing is a lazy statement. *He's much better at cooking, can get it done quicker, and with less effort.* What's your thoughts?


My ex used to say the same thing. She would be home ... with the kids, and whatever household responsibilities all day, while I worked 8-9 hours and commuted for nearly 3. It had nothing to do with equity of responsibility ... she just didn't want to do it. She felt it was overwhelming. She used to wait for me to get home.

Of course now that she no longer has her cook, voila! She prepares meals.

Whoever can cook on a given night, should do the cooking. 

Getting into score-keeping about who does what certainly won't help your relationship.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

maccheese said:


> He's much better at cooking, can get it done quicker, and with less effort. What's your thoughts?


How does he cook at home? Is he the type that is able to throw something together in 30 minutes, or does he need it to be perfect. I knew a couple where the husband was a professional chef, and was seemingly incapable of doing just that. Every meals was a production. His wife confirmed that, and took over most to the day to day cooking, and he just took some other chores.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Deejo said:


> My ex used to say the same thing. She would be home ... with the kids, and whatever household responsibilities all day, while I worked 8-9 hours and commuted for nearly 3. It had nothing to do with equity of responsibility ... she just didn't want to do it. She felt it was overwhelming. She used to wait for me to get home.
> 
> Of course now that she no longer has her cook, voila! She prepares meals.
> 
> ...


I gotta admit you are spot on and I am guilty of this. Despite knowing how to cook and having taken multiple classes, I don't have the same passion my husband does for it. I excused it as this is something he really enjoys. Frankly, I don't know if he does. He is far better at it than me but I am not sure he wants the responsibility of doing it as often as he does. Now that he is out of town 1 week a month, I have to pony up. I also know I need to pony up when he is in town!

The OP however is working part time, going to school part time, taking care of their child and all other household duties. I don't think it is unreasonable for her to ask that her husband do the cooking. That seems pretty fair to me.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> The OP however is working part time, going to school part time, taking care of their child and all other household duties. I don't think it is unreasonable for her to ask that her husband do the cooking. That seems pretty fair to me.


Unless he doesn't want to then I think the other household duties need to be redistributed. Or they can share the cooking since obviously neither one of them wants to.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Cooking is a “lifetime skill”. Everybody should learn to cook, learn to enjoy cooking and learn to enjoy others enjoying their food. What on earth are you going to do if you should find yourself alone one day?

You are a wife and mother and you don’t know “how” to cook? Wow! And you have a Chef for a husband who is certain to get a great deal of pleasure out of teaching you to cook! There is so much to cooking! The herbs, spices, fresh ingredients, it’s a massive topic and you have someone in your own home who can show you the way.

Food is a massive part of who we are. We are what we eat and all that. And you take no interest in it! WAKE UP!

If you feel your work is too much of a burden for you then negotiate a compromise with your H.


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

"Cooking is a “lifetime skill”. Everybody should learn to cook, learn to enjoy cooking and learn to enjoy others enjoying their food. What on earth are you going to do if you should find yourself alone one day?"

I do know how to cook and I mentioned in my post that I cook 1-3 days out of the week. If I end by myself one day, it definately won't be a problem. I'll also have less cleaning to do as I won't have to do laundry for two adults, clean the bathroom for two adults, pick up shoes, socks, and clothes after another grown person.

There is really no compromise or redistribution in this case as my husband CHOOSES not to do any of the other household duties too well. One of the reasons I ask him to just go ahead and cook and leave the rest to me. 

We'll work it out though. Just wanted to get everyone's feedback. Thank you all for responding. 

"How does he cook at home? Is he the type that is able to throw something together in 30 minutes, or does he need it to be perfect." 

He really can throw something together in no time. I told him not to get to extra with it. Also, making a production out of everything costs more money. He really has the basics to work with. 

Also, if cooking is a lifetime skill, how come more men don't willingly do it. They really wait on the woman, either eat out, or don't eat at all (I've gotten this testimony from some wives.)


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

maccheese said:


> ...Also, if cooking is a lifetime skill, how come more men don't willingly do it. They really wait on the woman, either eat out, or don't eat at all (I've gotten this testimony from some wives.)


I do it, and willingly, almost always. Ever since I was 14. When I don't make my own meals I either have to go buy something at a store or restaurant. My wife used to cook once or twice a month. She also never sat down to eat the many wonderful meals I make - I am not necessarily a great cook, and was a VERY picky eater as a child so don't have the most developed palatte, but I do take pride in making something that tastes good. She always complained that she doesn't like her food hot, so she would do her own thing as I ate, tried in futility to get my son to sit at the table and then after it went cold she would nuke it and have it hot (and soggy, mushy, dried out etc) anyway. It erks me too, to see guys that expect their wives to make all their meals, and complain when it isn't good, but for so long (my whole adult life it seems) I've also been longing for a woman (besides my mom or grandma) to make me a good meal for once. Would also be nice to have a partner to sit with who enjoys my delicious food.


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## mikey11 (May 31, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> Maybe it's more about cooking for 8 or 9 hours and then coming home and jumping right into cooking more?


that was the first thing i was thinking....

i used to work in an auto shop working on cars all day long....the last thing i would want to do when i got home at night would be to work on my own car or more cars....

why not rotate every other day?....seems fair to me


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Have you tried sexually harassing him in the kitchen while he cooks?


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

As far as cooking goes, it is something my wife and I split down the middle. But I don't work as a cook/chef. However I do work in IT and I know that is the last thing I want to do when I come home. When I work i put a lot of effort to do a good job and then I need a break. I really don't want to be hit with "the wireless is not working", "the printer is broken" & "can you make game system work with the new OS" when I come home. I can do other chores but I need a break from stupid software because I deal with it all day long. Otherwise I will end up going to work and not doing a good job because I am not fresh and that is worse.

So I sympathize with your husband. Don't force him to cook if he really doesn't want to. Find another distribution of chores. If neither of you want to cook then go out, order out or eat frozen dinners. You may get him to cook but you may also get him to resent it and you in the long run. 

You might find out that if you don't presure him to do it he may do it more anyway. Another thing to try to eat later after he is rested. My wife works part time as well but still needs a break to be able to cook. When I cook I need start immediately when I get home and get a full meal done in 30-45 minutes to be able to make the kids schedules. It's really hard to jump into it after being at work and then dealing with traffic with no break. This takes the fun out of cooking and makes it a chore. This is why my cooking days are mostly when I am at home during the day.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

These are good replies. I'll bet it is related to him wanting to get a break from work. Could he cook large batches on the weekends and freeze the leftovers? Make slow cooker meals?


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

meson said:


> As far as cooking goes, it is something my wife and I split down the middle. But I don't work as a cook/chef. However I do work in IT and I know that is the last thing I want to do when I come home. When I work i put a lot of effort to do a good job and then I need a break. I really don't want to be hit with "the wireless is not working", "the printer is broken" & "can you make game system work with the new OS" when I come home. I can do other chores but I need a break from stupid software because I deal with it all day long. Otherwise I will end up going to work and not doing a good job because I am not fresh and that is worse.
> 
> So I sympathize with your husband. Don't force him to cook if he really doesn't want to. Find another distribution of chores. If neither of you want to cook then go out, order out or eat frozen dinners. You may get him to cook but you may also get him to resent it and you in the long run.
> 
> You might find out that if you don't presure him to do it he may do it more anyway. Another thing to try to eat later after he is rested. My wife works part time as well but still needs a break to be able to cook. When I cook I need start immediately when I get home and get a full meal done in 30-45 minutes to be able to make the kids schedules. It's really hard to jump into it after being at work and then dealing with traffic with no break. This takes the fun out of cooking and makes it a chore. This is why my cooking days are mostly when I am at home during the day.


I total agree with distribution of other chores, but the reason I ask him to cook is because he doesn't do other chores. Its kinda of hard to split things down the middle. We don't eat immediately when he gets home. He gets home at 4:45. We eat at 7:30 or 8:00. I would love to eat at 7:00 so I can go ahead get the baby bathed and in the bed, but I don't try to push the time issue too much because there is already some tension. The reason we HAVE TO eat at home is because we can't afford to eat out and eating frozen is extremely unhealthy. Too much salt and he already has high blood pressure. I just don't understand why his resentment of me in the long run seems to be the only concern, while my resentment of the fact that he did not help more around the house caused me to just simply tell him, you cook, I'll take care of the rest. To me its just not cool if I split the cooking duties with him and on the days I cook, he's chilling, watching tv, letting the kid run around the house crying, letting the house remain messy. I have asked him if he could pick up other chores. He always responds, I'll do it tomorrow, or he'll half do it (and he knows how to clean.) Its just frustrating. I am not a neat freak, but I do ask as an adult, hang you clothes up within a couple days, they shouldn't lay on the floor for weeks, wipe the pee off the seat, put the dirty clothes in the basket (not on the floor for weeks on end). Him being responsible for cooking just helps me to better cope with this an other things.


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