# 2 weeks since she has had no contact



## get-thru-this (Feb 25, 2012)

We r not doing well. Nov 11 I find out about om and she takes 3 months to ditch him after divorce threats, house sale threats and arguments. The decider is she is going crazy at being torn in two so ends it with om. I've declared undying love etc all the usual for the past two weeks so she stays. I estimate another 4 weeks before she recognises anything I say or do. Trying to book a holiday for then but all is getting thrown back at me. We have had massive arguments the past two days and I have nearly had enough. Is it really this difficult? We've got a 2 year old and been married for 3 years. Last 12 months have been bad as our son plays us off each other. My wife goes crazy when he cries and this is always the start of any argument. Any helpful tips?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Please provide more details about your wife and the nature of her affair. Was it an online emotional affair or full blown physical one? Do you know the other man?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She carried the affir on 3 months after DD nd only stopped because of stress?

It sounds like she is angry at you for ending her happy life as a cheater,. She certainly doesn't seem to have any guilt or remorse. Sorry to say it, but unless she has remorse the marriage will not be ble to be rebuilt. See remorse is her admitting she was wrong and her desiring that she had never done it. No remorse means she still sees cheating with the OM a good option which is being denied to her by you being unfair to her. Hence the attitude, arguments, etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## get-thru-this (Feb 25, 2012)

Om was her first bf from high school who dumped her. He got in touch on facebook and she responded. They got physical once after 1 month and that's when I found out. Continued for 3 months longer as ea till stress ended it. She is angry at me and shows some remorse. I am hoping more remorse will come after longer without contact. I am from a broken home and know the stress on our son if we divorce so this is not an option.


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## get-thru-this (Feb 25, 2012)

I am determined to find a way for us to find love again or we'll have to live together as barely friends if not. any advice?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

get-thru-this said:


> I am determined to find a way for us to find love again or we'll have to live together as barely friends if not. any advice?


Honestly IC for her and MC for the both of you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Big worry here it starting up again.


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## get-thru-this (Feb 25, 2012)

I'm concerned its started again too. not sure if I'll be able to hold it together. I've offered to pay for ic but she doesn't go. I've changed my hours at work to give her all day Thursday to herself. been doing this for 4 weeks now. what do I do?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> been doing this for 4 weeks now. what do I do?


Pack her bags and kick her out on her a*s, that's what you do.


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## get-thru-this (Feb 25, 2012)

That's not very helpful.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

That's actually helpful. More often than not, pushing towards divorce is the only thing that changes the cheater's tune.


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## get-thru-this (Feb 25, 2012)

She knows I have divorce papers already. The ea has ended. It may have started but no proof. The problem is she is constantly arguing and raging at me 2 weeks after it ended. All arguments start when our son cries at something. I have tried threats etc but they just make the relationship worse. I don't thb


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Your wife goes crazy when the baby cries? Are you kidding me? This is a great source of stress for her? Your two year old plays you two off each other? No disrespect but your biggest issue may not be the affair.


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## get-thru-this (Feb 25, 2012)

sorry I don't think threats are helpful.


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## get-thru-this (Feb 25, 2012)

yyes the ea is a symptom.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

You shouldn't threaten or bluff. You should be dead serious to follow up, it's not a game of chicken.

You can't make someone love you, especially if that place in their heart is already taken. Present her with two alternatives, either martial recovery on your terms, or divorce. I know it's hard to gather strength for it at first, but eventually you'll either become fed up with the kind of life you have, or turn into an emotional wreck.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You must verify her commitment to the marriage, by investigating her. If you do find out the affair is continuing then you have stated that it would be ground for divorce, correct?

Well then get busy, the 1st order of bussiness is finding out if your W still wants you or just a marriage of convienence. See you are not completely sure were you are at with you wife. Get rid of this doubt, by getting the confirmation that will lead you to the next step. This step could lead to MC and working on a healthy marriage or it could leed to distancing your self from your new "room mate" and protecting your self from furthure emotional pain.

Get a keylogger, plant a voice activated recorder in her car, look for a secret cell phone, and check you statements for cell, creditcard, and bank. This information will help see if you still have a wife or just a roomate. This information will help you give you direction on your next course of action.

You need to know what she is all about right now so you can act accordingly.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

get-thru-this said:


> We r not doing well. Nov 11 I find out about om and she takes 3 months to ditch him after divorce threats, house sale threats and arguments. The decider is she is going crazy at being torn in two so ends it with om. I've declared undying love etc all the usual for the past two weeks so she stays. I estimate another 4 weeks before she recognises anything I say or do. Trying to book a holiday for then but all is getting thrown back at me. We have had massive arguments the past two days and I have nearly had enough. Is it really this difficult? We've got a 2 year old and been married for 3 years. Last 12 months have been bad as our son plays us off each other. My wife goes crazy when he cries and this is always the start of any argument. Any helpful tips?


 3 months after discovery to drop the OM? Not showing you full remorse even now? My gosh when will you man up and file?

If you think that I am not being helpful then you are wrong. You need to stop being a doormat. No one loves a doormat. He is not a doormat. He dumped her years ago and that is why she still loves him. Once you dump her and mean it. Once you move forward with your life without her, she can always try to win you back. Only with full remorse by her and her willing to do the heavy lifting will this ever have a chance at working long term. The odds are not good no matter what you do, but the odds and the quality of the marraige are better when you act with self respect.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

TRy said:


> 3 months after discovery to drop the OM? Not showing you full remorse even now? My gosh when will you man up and file?
> 
> If you think that I am not being helpful then you are wrong. You need to stop being a doormat. No one loves a doormat. He is not a doormat. He dumped her years ago and that is why she still loves him. Once you dump her and mean it. Once you move forward with your life without her, she can always try to win you back. Only with full remorse by her and her willing to do the heavy lifting will this ever have a chance at working long term. The odds are not good no matter what you do, but the odds and the quality of the marraige are better when you act with self respect.


:iagree: 

True remorse would be her being completely devoted to repairing the relationship not getting angry at you for stopping her from seeing her ex. She has no respect for you by first of all cheating with a guy who dumped her and second by bearing resentment towards you for asserting marital boundaries. She definitely has feelings for the ex and you're wasting your time to be honest. 

You have to man up.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What do you know about her ex? Is he married? Why is he not afraid to disrespect you?


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## get-thru-this (Feb 25, 2012)

I know she is in love with om. I tried to file but cannot bear to only see my son once a fortnight which would be the outcome and yes I have had this checked by a solicitor. I still love her and know she has had no contact in over 2 weeks. Will her feelings towards him fade so that the gestures I'm making will eventually be recognized. Since I found out we have gradually drifted further apart. She won't let me show affection as she doesn't want me to get the wrong idea. We have a good week while I'm at work and then its arguments at the weekend. Always the same one. She doesn't have love for me any more as she loves om and she is trying by staying in the house with me and our son. I've read it takes 6 weeks of nc before my gestures are noticed. If anyone tells me to man up and lose access to my son, then this is not the helpful site it claims to be. Divorce is not an option.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Then you are out of options. Truly sorry for you.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

you need to pull yourself together. you're losin' it.

and yes....divorce is an option.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Your wife dont want you, so she is in love with OM. How can you steel her from OM? Think with a clear head man, how can you live in love with a person who abandoned you. who dont want you, dont you have a bit of self respect?


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Get-thru-this, there were a number of people here in your situation, who were also claiming that D was not an option. I don't know what kind of advice they really expect, to "win back" their spouses. Write them a love poem? Buy them gifts and flowers? Quite a few have actually tried all that, yet I can't remember a single case here where it worked.

Yes, filing is a tough medicine, and there is no guarantee whatsoever that it will change your wife's mind. Showing your strength and willingness to move on, however, are among the very few things that ever tend to work.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

the posters aren't here to tell you what you want to hear. they're here to give you their opinion, and some their personal wisdom, as they've gone through this before.

if you don't like what you hear, don't take the advice. just don't say you weren't warned about the costly mistakes you are commiting.


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## get-thru-this (Feb 25, 2012)

I'm giving it 2 more months. If no improvement then the papers get filed. I'm getting advice from other sites that all my efforts are fruitless for the first 6 weeks of nc.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Well, at least install a keylogger and get a VAR to ensure there really is no contact. Otherwise you are just wasting your time and nerves.

Go see a doctor, two months is a long time to be in limbo. Don't neglect your health.

Good luck.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

get-thru-this said:


> I'm giving it 2 more months. If no improvement then the papers get filed. I'm getting advice from other sites that all my efforts are fruitless for the first 6 weeks of nc.


Try fruitless forever. You're not going to win her back or make her love you by being a doormat. Come back in a month, I bet things will not have changed. Correction, it will have changed for the worse because now its just underground and you will have been played. When your WW leaves you for the OM, don't say you weren't warned.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

you say the fights start after the 2 yr old starts crying.... what triggers your child from crying in the first place? Is wife getting mad at the crying or how you are responding to the crying?

Arguements are arguements, are these agruements from your 2 year old crying or about her cheating past? 

sorry cant give much input as info is vague.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

He's probably doing the Plan A thing from the other site, that''s the only site that pushes that crap.


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## get-thru-this (Feb 25, 2012)

Arguments are about him crying when he's with me. She will lose it and storm into the room so my son hides behind my legs and worries about his mum turning into a bear. There is no violence. They then escalate after he goes to bed to the difficulties in our relationship. I have surveillance setup and know there is nc. Putting my feelings to one side is a small sacrifice for my son having me in his life. I've got experience at loving without return from my childhood. A childhood my son will not be experiencing. My wife has booked for IC.


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## get-thru-this (Feb 25, 2012)

wwhat plan A crap?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

get-thru-this said:


> wwhat plan A crap?


What site advises you about this 6 weeks stuff? I've been to Surviving Infidelity, Love Shack, Chat Cheaters, Infidelity.com, etc. I haven't heard of this 6 weeks stuff you're mentioning.

Everyone here has been thru what you're going through right now, either as a BS or a fWS. Some of us have R'd, some have gone on to D. This isn't some random forum on the internet where people don't know what they're talking about.


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## get-thru-this (Feb 25, 2012)

Marriage builders website advised it takes 6 weeks.for feelings towards om to fade enough for husband's actions to be noticed.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Sounds like a sweeping generalization. Infidelity is not some kind of chickenpox you can just wait over in so and so many days.


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## get-thru-this (Feb 25, 2012)

She is still in a fog and needs to come out of it. She is being open by always telling me what she is doing on her phone. Surely these are positives. It's just when I declare love and all that kind of crap, she withdraws. So I have stopped that.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

get-thru-this said:


> It's just when I declare love and all that kind of crap, she withdraws. So I have stopped that.


That's a hint that exhibiting your strength works and that showing your dependency doesn't.


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## get-thru-this (Feb 25, 2012)

So u still suggest to just immediately file without waiting. It does not feel right.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You don't need to file right away but you have to make it clear you will divorce if you have to and mean it. Everytime you sound like a broken hearted lover you just disgust her. Be non commital, never beg,plead, profess undying love and never ever cry in front of her. Right now she thinks he is a real man and you are just a pu$$y. Do the 180. Show no anger or much emotion at all . When she wants to argue just ignore her. No relationship talk until she wants to save her family. 

Bottom line you are nice guying your wife out of the house. Arguemnts are for the weak.

The 180
April 15 2011 at 8:48 AM Ami (Login Amistandingstill)
Healing Moderator 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So many on here are at a loss at what to do with a WS who is
fence sitting, cake-eating, ignoring boundaries, still seeing and/or contacting the other person, etc...

Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.


This 180 list may help.
--------------------------


For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Go here.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read-3.html

And here:

Married Man Sex Life

and buy the book


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Well this whole situation is not right at all, is it. Filing for D is a serious move, and there's little point doing it if you are not ready to follow through (in the worst case). But it's like cancer treatment, you can't fix it with sugar candy, they prescribe chemo.

From what you wrote, your wife is not remorseful and is treating you with contempt. That said, you are a man of free will and ultimately you decide what you do with your life.

If you are set on giving it two more months, so be it. We wish you the best.

But too often the threads like this are akin to watching a blind person wander into a busy highway. You scream out, and it turns out they are deaf as well.


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## get-thru-this (Feb 25, 2012)

Yes I saw the same advice on nomoremrniceguy and tried it. It worked at making her end the ea with nc. But it was so horrible a place to be I backed out once I knew nc was happening and then decided to wait 6 weeks. That's how I managed to get the divorce papers written up about a month ago. I think 180 is less aggressive than a full blown D. But I have to tell her I am prepared to D? I've actually told her the opposite up to now and that I saw the solicitors as a way of getting her to end the ea. That only ended when it got too stressful for her and I told her she would end up a crazy woman.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Doing the 180 is for you. To help you grow and move on if you have to. A by product is that it makes you strong and independent. Something that makes you attractive to women including your wife. Arguing and pleading just make you look like her b!tch.

Start working out, exercising, new haircut/clothes etc. Let her know she is no longer the center of the universe.

"It worked at making her end the ea with nc." It worked and then you folded like a cheap tent.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Things changed for me only when my WW discovered that I was really planning to leave. I was not planning to give her any notice. She noticed my detachment and snooped into my journal, where I had recorded the details. Even after that, it was a long road to recovery. I think that as long as she can view you as a safety net, her fog will not lift. She needs to know that you are prepared to move on without her if necessary. I have read on other threads about people who filed for D but did no go thru w/ it once the situation changed. That may be a strategy for you to consider. Just be sure in your own mind that you are serious, and that it's not just a bluff. That could blow up in your face.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

get-thru-this said:


> So u still suggest to just immediately file without waiting. It does not feel right.


 You should know that filing for divorce is not the same as actually divorce since it takes time for a divorce to be processed. If all else fails, filing is the final wake up call on your marraige if you mean it when you file. It shows strength of character which your wife may not see in you now.

That being said, you should do whatever feels right as you are the only one living in your shoes. Do not let anyone here push you before you are ready. For filing to have any positive impact on waking your wife up and getting her to see you as strong, you need to mean it when you file, and clearly you are not mentally prepared to mean it right now. Take the time that you need but do not act like a doormat any longer. 

Stop the flowers and rear kissing. Focus on your son and stop talking to her about if she loves you or not. Every time she tells you to your face that she loves the OM and not you, she loses a little more respect for you, so keep such conversations to a minimum. If you are only still there for your son, then that is how you should act.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

get-thru-this said:


> Marriage builders website advised it takes 6 weeks.for feelings towards om to fade enough for husband's actions to be noticed.


This is sort of correct, it takes about 6 weeks of NC from YOU for them to start to defuse the negative feeling she has built up for you and the M in general. However every time to talk to her it resets the clock. She is not going to want to stay with you just by proxy, if anything she is most likely resenting you more and more.

It doesn't work with the OM. My W was around 6 months of NC with the OM and the second he called her she ran off again to meet him.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

get-thru-this said:


> So u still suggest to just immediately file without waiting. It does not feel right.


And that is why it's right. Your feelings are trying to sabotage you and take you down the wrong path. The right things to do will be the opposite of what you want to do. 

Don't worry about filing, half don't even go through with it. I still have my W's filings from 2 years ago. She wants me to throw them away but I keep them for lulz.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

river rat said:


> Things changed for me only when my WW discovered that I was really planning to leave.


this was true for me as well


I think it's the test that needs to be done in cases of infidelity


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## get-thru-this (Feb 25, 2012)

I'm not sure the om or affair is the problem but we can't fix the m unless my wife wants to. I'm going to stay in limbo a bit longer. End the gifts, love msgs etc and just enjoy my time with my son. If she comes round great, if not then its filing time. I need to do the 180 and stop sending her msgs in the day or talking at night. It's just an absolute nightmare and has been going on since 19th Nov. Anyone else lasted this long in limbo and had an m that survived?


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Mine lasted September through December. It ended when I couldn't take it anymore and decided to walk out. She broke down and we are now trying to R.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Go ahead and file and have her served. Worse case, if R falls through you will be that much closer to getting away from your WW and getting on with your life. Might as well file for sole custody of your boy while you are at it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## get-thru-this (Feb 25, 2012)

This is depressing. I do not want to lose out on raising my boy. I want my life back. I'm not ready to file. She will come round. I even tried booking a holiday for all of us at the end of the 6 weeks. Her response was I don't want that thrown back at me if it doesn't work out between us. Argh!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Why are you planning holidays for a family that does not exist?

Your marriage does not exist. You need to get this through your head. Your wife is in the psychosis of an affair ... the fog. She is addicted to the other man and does not love you.

Do the 180 that Chapparal showed you. Go emotionally dark on your wife. MAKE her see what she will be losing by contuing on down the path she is on. Your loving words, offers of rewards, vacations, etc. mean diddly squat to her. 

Look friend, I know you think you know your wife, and you think that what we're telling you to do is cruel. The 180 is counterintuitive to everything you have ever known... that's why it seems so mean and vindictive. It is there to help you prepare emotionally for the probability that your marriage will end or that your wife will leave you. The 180 is not to get her to love you again, it is to get you to start loving yourself and to be the father to your child that he needs you to be. 

Your son does not need a limp-wristed father who is beaten down and humiliated by his wayward wife. What kind of example are you setting for him by retreating every time your wife launches an assault? He needs to see a father with self confidence who is willing to stand up for himself and not be mowed over by a witless spouse. The 180 will empower you to do that.

The 180 is not there to save the marriage, but sometimes it works to make the wayward see that their spouse is ready to accept that the marriage has ended and move on without them. Sometimes this is enough to break their shell and wake them up.

Or, you can ignore all the advice that is given to you by the folks on this board and watch as your marriage flounders and your wife deconstruct your life and manhood. You have the right to do whatever you want.

And I stick by my original post to you. I think if your wife is not willing to work on reconcilliation that you should show her the door. She is creating a toxic and harmful environment for your son. You need to protect him from her.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

get-thru-this said:


> I'm not sure the om or affair is the problem but we can't fix the m unless my wife wants to.


See, this kind of thinking will get you in a lot of trouble. Of course the affair and the OM are the problem. Nothing can be fixed until these are dealt with. Once that is ended, and she is on board with trying to fix the marriage and her betrayal, and earn back you trust, you can then start working on the other issues in the marriage. Until then, the OM and the affair are THE problem.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Get-thru, I remained in limbo a lot longer than 6 wks. My youngest two were in college, and I knew that a family implosion would derail their lives. So, I made the decision to stay and play my part until they finished. That lasted for two years. I had to become a master at compartmentalization. It took a horrible toll on me. I came very close to harming myself. I don't recommend that route to anyone. If you think you can come to a decision in 6 wks, then so be it. But do not allow this limbo to become your life.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

get-thru-this said:


> I do not want to lose out on raising my boy.


 Unfortunately this is not your call to make anymore. You cannot raise your son in an environment where his father stands around allowing his wife to cheat with another man. It is better to raise your son part time where he respects you, then full time where he has no such respect. In the long run respect is all that you have to hold them to you when your children grow up and move out. Your child will remember that you did not do this to him. Your wife did.



get-thru-this said:


> I want my life back.


 Again, not your call. No matter what happens going forward, you will not get your old life back even if she stays in the marriage.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

get-thru-this,

You don't seem to understand. *YOU* are the reason she is not returning to the marriage. *YOU* are the reason she is still in the fog and will never come out of it. *YOU* are the reason reconciliation hasn't started. *YOU* are dictating how this has gone up until now and where it will go from here.

You're chasing her and she is running...away. Until you stop chasing her and acting like a lovesick puppy she will never respect you. And if she can't respect you she can't love you. You can't love people out of an affair. You can't make them do anything. All you can do is make yourself better and give her the space to see what she is losing. If she sees she is losing a loser then she won't return to the marriage. If she sees she is losing a strong confident man then she will have second thoughts about what she is doing.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

get-thru-this said:


> This is depressing. I do not want to lose out on raising my boy. I want my life back. I'm not ready to file. She will come round. I even tried booking a holiday for all of us at the end of the 6 weeks. *Her response was I don't want that thrown back at me if it doesn't work out between us*. Argh!


Do you see how she's still setting terms about R with you? Now who is the betrayed spouse here? You! The decision to R is a precious gift given by the betrayed spouse after the wayward spouse has done the heavy lifting (MC, transparency, disclosure, empathy, etc) to deserve that precious gift. 

You're trying to force R with someone who isn't ready for it at all, and neither is she deserving that shot at R. I'm only in R myself because my fWW is busting her ass to earn her chance at R.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

get-thru-this said:


> She knows I have divorce papers already. The ea has ended. It may have started but no proof. The problem is she is constantly arguing and raging at me 2 weeks after it ended. All arguments start when our son cries at something. I have tried threats etc but they just make the relationship worse. I don't thb


Be aware that it can take a month to two months to go through withdrawal from the affair. If NC is not complete then it starts all over again.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

get-thru-this said:


> yyes the ea is a symptom.


Perhaps but this smacks of blame shifting. She must own her affair. Even some of the best marriages can fall prey to an EA. So above all do not start blaming yourself and feeling responsbile for her looking to get involved with her EX.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

get-thru-this said:


> I know she is in love with om. I tried to file but cannot bear to only see my son once a fortnight which would be the outcome and yes I have had this checked by a solicitor. I still love her and know she has had no contact in over 2 weeks. Will her feelings towards him fade so that the gestures I'm making will eventually be recognized. Since I found out we have gradually drifted further apart. She won't let me show affection as she doesn't want me to get the wrong idea. We have a good week while I'm at work and then its arguments at the weekend. Always the same one. She doesn't have love for me any more as she loves om and she is trying by staying in the house with me and our son. I've read it takes 6 weeks of nc before my gestures are noticed. If anyone tells me to man up and lose access to my son, then this is not the helpful site it claims to be. *Divorce is not an option.*


Too bad because if it was you would have a better chance at winning her back. Women are not attracted to men they cannot respect. So you in essence are saying you will stay married in name only and are willing to live in an open marriage.

If that is your boundary then so be it. It is not intuitive but if you hold on too tight they slip through your fingers.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> What site advises you about this 6 weeks stuff? I've been to Surviving Infidelity, Love Shack, Chat Cheaters, Infidelity.com, etc. I haven't heard of this 6 weeks stuff you're mentioning.
> 
> Everyone here has been thru what you're going through right now, either as a BS or a fWS. Some of us have R'd, some have gone on to D. This isn't some random forum on the internet where people don't know what they're talking about.


The six weeks may be talking about her going through withdrawal.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

get-thru-this said:


> Marriage builders website advised it takes 6 weeks.for feelings towards om to fade enough for husband's actions to be noticed.


Marriage Builders is where Plan A and Plan B come from. So you would be very familiar with this concept.
Even Dr. Harley is not into the Plan A stuff so much.



> My overall plan for marital recovery after an affair has three basic stages. The first stage separates the unfaithful spouse and the lover; the second stage maintains that separation through the period of emotional withdrawal experienced by the unfaithful spouse who is addicted to the lover; and the third stage recovers love between spouses, eliminates resentment of the betrayed spouse, and protects the marriage against future affairs. -- Dr Harley


IMHO doing a Plan A while the WS is actively in an affair is demeaning to the BS. Makes them unattracive to the WS anyway. Note that the WS needs to be separated from the OM. You do that by getting their attention.

They are in a fog. It is a chemical addiction based on Oxcytocin and Dopamine. You do not break that up by enabling the affair.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

snap said:


> Sounds like a sweeping generalization. Infidelity is not some kind of chickenpox you can just wait over in so and so many days.


Actually he is very correct. This is an addiction and the WS must go through withdrawal before they can work fully on the marriage and think clearly.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

get-thru-this said:


> Arguments are about him crying when he's with me. She will lose it and storm into the room so my son hides behind my legs and worries about his mum turning into a bear. There is no violence. They then escalate after he goes to bed to the difficulties in our relationship. I have surveillance setup and know there is nc. Putting my feelings to one side is a small sacrifice for my son having me in his life. I've got experience at loving without return from my childhood. A childhood my son will not be experiencing. My wife has booked for IC.


It is understandable to me that you want to save your marriage for the sake of your child being with you. Completely. 

But I suggest you think about if it is healthy for your son to be in such a situation. You yourself have mentioned a loveless childhood you experienced, I wonder if your son is heading in that direction. Do you want that for him?

Has the IC for your wife began? With some of the statements you have made regarding her respondses to this situation, her process to change her behaviors seem lengthy. Are you willing to stand by her side, knowing that a relapse in behavior is common.


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## get-thru-this (Feb 25, 2012)

Thanks ppl. Far more helpful. I'm sure the ea is over. I am doing as much of 180 as I can while she goes thru withdrawal. I've booked the last week of march as holiday at home as a target to wait for. Till then no love declarations or me opening discussion. I will be there for my son and I will be civil to my wife. All arguments will not be followed thru by me. I will walk out of the room or protect my son. I am now prepared to leave if need be to get respect. She is doing some nice things such as cooking my dinner, making tea and picking me up from the station. It's only when she opens her mouth, is it nasty.


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## get-thru-this (Feb 25, 2012)

Thanks ppl. Far more helpful. I'm sure the ea is over. I am doing as much of 180 as I can while she goes thru withdrawal. I've booked the last week of march as holiday at home as a target to wait for. Till then no love declarations or me opening discussion. I will be there for my son and I will be civil to my wife. All arguments will not be followed thru by me. I will walk out of the room or protect my son. I am now prepared to leave if need be to get respect. She is doing some nice things such as cooking my dinner, making tea and picking me up from the station. It's only when she opens her mouth, is it nasty.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

get-thru-this said:


> Thanks ppl. Far more helpful. I'm sure the ea is over. I am doing as much of 180 as I can while she goes thru withdrawal. I've booked the last week of march as holiday at home as a target to wait for. Till then no love declarations or me opening discussion. I will be there for my son and I will be civil to my wife. All arguments will not be followed thru by me. I will walk out of the room or protect my son. I am now prepared to leave if need be to get respect. She is doing some nice things such as cooking my dinner, making tea and picking me up from the station. It's only when she opens her mouth, is it nasty.


Read this:

Do It Like Granddad – Silent Treatment : The Alpha Persona

If she is being disrespectful you need to handle it in a mature confident manner.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Get thru, there is only one hope of recovering the marriage and that is a 2 fold process.

#1, you HAVE to draw a line in the sand and back it up. You can't waiver, can't back away, can't alter your position in any way. Once she sees she can manipulate you, you are finished.

#2, SHE has to realize what she has done, what she will lose and make a 100 % effort to fix it. 

If either of these are not done, it will be a life of limbo and compromise on your part and cake eating manipulation on her part.

The filing technique is to send a clear and final message. No one says you have to see it through to the end. Divorces take time. That time can be used by her to start doing the heavy lifting to save the marriage and for you to do things to improve yourself as a husband but if she is secure knowing you will do nothing or knowing you threaten and then back down from tears, anger or any other manipulation technique on her part, then she simply has to bide her time.

Lastly, you can't assume anything. Being sure the affair is over is no where near the same as having the data and facts that it is over. Disclosure to the OMW or girlfriend as well as VARs and Keyloggers provide the facts. Only facts are true. Remember, you can tell a cheater is not being truthful by noticing if their lips are moving. They will NEVER reveal 100% of the truth about anything until there is nothing left but to be honest and do what it takes to save the marriage.

That is also dependant on if she, or you, WANT to save the marriage. If not, then this is all academic.
Q~


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

In this situation filing for D is a means to AN end, not THE end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## get-thru-this (Feb 25, 2012)

I like the silent and firm treatment. I can do that when she starts the *****ing.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I favor the blitzkrieg, full frontal assault, shock and awe approach; but GTT needs to do what he thinks is best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

get-thru-this said:


> I like the silent and firm treatment. I can do that when she starts the *****ing.


And how has the silent treatment been working so far in the marriage, considering where you are right now?

I hate to use an age old cliche but it is time to man up or roll over and take it, plain and simple.

Q~


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

MrQuatto said:


> And how has the silent treatment been working so far in the marriage, considering where you are right now?
> 
> I hate to use an age old cliche but it is time to man up or roll over and take it, plain and simple.
> 
> Q~


I don't think he's been using the silent treatment. I think he's been essentially bending to her will for months. If he stops engaging her in these battles she'll eventually realize that her verbal assaults aren't getting her anywhere but closer to divorce. It goes hand in hand with the 180 but all this only works if the OP follows through with the divorce if his wife doesn't start showing remorse through words AND actions.


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## get-thru-this (Feb 25, 2012)

I've been bending to her tune yes. It's called being a p*ssy. I'm going to give her time to get thru withdrawal. I need positive signs by end march or D goes ahead. Any sign of om contact in that time gives immediate filing. Any big bust ups that I can't stay silent to result in filing. I may just file anyway. This torture is bad for my health. I listened to a few stories today of ppl going or who have gone thru similar. They were in pieces except the scum who ruined 2 families to be with his childhood sweetheart just like om and my wife.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I know you are resisting filing for divorce. But, I guarantee that if you do file you will feel so much better and stronger than you do now. Right now you are empty handed and powerless. 

Filing that legal document and having a cold, impartial stranger serve her with it gives you a big old thick wooden club to wave over her head. 

Nothing wrong or immoral about using fear to get a message across. If you make her fear your leaving, it may just tip the balance in your favor.

So far waiting and playing it safe have done nothing for you.

You sure are one stubborn piece of work GTT....


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## get-thru-this (Feb 25, 2012)

An update and advice needed. My wife deleted his number and removed him as a Facebook friend. We have good days mostly but as soon as it comes up, we argue. She still tells me she loves him etc and I hope those feelings will fade. I don't believe she is contacting him as I have read fishing emails from his fb account to hers. There are no signs of a reply from my wife to him. I rang him and told him to stay clear but he hung up. I don't know his address or marital status so am hiring a pi so I can get leverage on him. He needs to stop fishing for attention as each time he sends my wife crazy towards me. I'm not prepared to file for divorce or walk out. My son needs me in his life and I still foolishly love my wife and our family life. I told her I wanted more kids and she told me I could give my son a step family. Things are improving slowly but take a back step when he contacts her. I think he has his own family and I need to tell his partner what he is up to. Any tips or advice? Is hiring a PI a good idea so I can engineer his removal from our lives to give my wife a chance of getting over her feelings?


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Yes, hiring a PI is a good idea. They are likely still in contact.


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

You know his name and phone number and where he went to school and his approximate age. You know uses Facebook so he is on the grid. Finding addresses, family info, financial info, etc. Is not difficult. Get the PI if you can't do the investigation yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Wow, get thru this, you have absolutely no respect for yourself. So naturally she has no respect for you. Your deadline is virtually up and she tells you that if you want more kids.....go have them with someone else. Your good days are a figment of your imagination. But it is your life. You think because she isn't in contact with him (as far as you know) that this means that things will get better? Can't get better if all you are is a meal ticket to her. Which seems to be apparent. I don't expect you to take any advice that doesn't meet your need to bury your head in the sand. All you have shown her is that you will compromise any semblance of manhood to get her to stay. Its about as unattractive to her as kissing a fish. You don't want to repeat your family of origin, and yet its the exact thing that you're doing. Keep running into that concrete wall, its bound to come down some day.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

I'm very sorry that you are in this situation. Infortheduration is, unfortunately, right. We all understand the love you have for your family. But where is the love for yourself? If she continues to say that she still loves him, then by default, she loves you less, if at all. Believe me, rug sweeping like this will only hurt you more later. I know; I did that. It almost destroyed me.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Everything you are doing and have done so far has only served to emasculate and devalue you in your wife's eyes. 

You have no concept of human psychology. You and the OM are at war for your wife's affections. So far he has reigned supreme as the alpha male, because he (in his own, selfish and warped way) has shown strength and confidence, while you follow her around like a weak beggar, whining for scraps off her table.

Please do not waste anymore of the good people's time here on TAM. Most of us have been where you are now. We have experienced first hand what works and what doesn't. If you cannot accept and try to use the good advice that has been given to you here, why do you keep coming back?

Those of us here on TAM, like your wife, are getting to the point where we don't care anymore.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> I told her I wanted more kids and she told me I could give my son a step family.


_OUCH!_

she's obviously saving that slot(no pun intended) for the OM's seed.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

get-thru-this said:


> I've been bending to her tune yes. It's called being a p*ssy. I'm going to give her time to get thru withdrawal. *I need positive signs by end march or D goes ahead*. Any sign of om contact in that time gives immediate filing. Any big bust ups that I can't stay silent to result in filing. I may just file anyway. This torture is bad for my health. I listened to a few stories today of ppl going or who have gone thru similar. They were in pieces except the scum who ruined 2 families to be with his childhood sweetheart just like om and my wife.


And now we're headed for the end of April, and your WW is just as deep in the fog as ever, with no signs of it ending. You only have access to her fb account, the one that you know of. Those messages you saw are only for your benefit, to show that she's not in contact with him.

Know what my own WW did? She created a secret fb account that I didn't know of. It was only by blind luck that I stumbled on to it. Your WW probably has secret fb and email accounts that you don't know of. Probably even a secret phone. You have made no effort to uncover anything, including the OMs info. Instead you've only tried to "love" her back. See how it doesn't work?

Either you take action now, or you will stay in the hell of limbo and live as a cuckold. It's your choice.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Everything you are doing and have done so far has only served to emasculate and devalue you in your wife's eyes.
> 
> You have no concept of human psychology. You and the OM are at war for your wife's affections. So far he has reigned supreme as the alpha male, because he (in his own, selfish and warped way) has shown strength and confidence, while you follow her around like a weak beggar, whining for scraps off her table.
> 
> ...


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

get-thru-this simply won't listen. Over 5 pages of people telling him the same thing over and over again and he won't do it. People here have been thru what he's been through. She has bigger balls than he does, telling him she loves the OM and telling get-thru-this he can have kids thru someone else. She's calling his bluff big time, because she knows thats all it is. There's no way get-thru-this can pull the trigger on D no matter what he says and she knows it.

Oh well, good luck with living in limbo.


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## get-thru-this (Feb 25, 2012)

I'm the judge of whether things are improving or not. They are which is why I'm still there. I have found out as much as I can on my own. I have his phone number but no idea of his appearance or location in order to confront him. He hangs up my calls. My wife is not replying to him. I know this as I see her fb account and phone. Your advice, while given under experience may not apply in all cases so I don't appreciate the tone some of you use. I ask for advice and get ridicule and abuse. People such as my wife do say hateful things during arguments. I'm guilty of it too. I believe she is trying. I just need to have this man removed for which I need an identity. He may even be spinning her lines about his partner who he lives with and who I intend to inform.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hire the PI, with at least a phone number the PI has a starting point and it should be relitively in expencive.

Have you tried reverse look up on the phone number?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

If she is still saying she is in love with the other man, things are NOT improving....


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

You say "he may even be spinning her lines" present tense.So you're not even really sure if they're in contact or not.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

In the words of the great Ronald Reagan "TRUST BUT VERIFY!"

I had a client that his WW set up a misdirect. Her BS thought he was monitoring her FB and E-mail which did, with much drama, the AP fishing for the WW, communicating affection with strong rebukes by the WW, multiple NC demands the whole 9 yards. My client learned via a key logger that...they were very much in daily contact via "other" FB and e-mail accounts AND that she had a pre-paid cell phone and it's number, kept at work.

Trust but verify, second guess everything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Initfortheduration said:


> If your not a troll, you're a cuckold. Either way you don't deserve the advice you are getting. It is only dredging up the emasculating that the men on here suffered because of their own WWs. You may ask for advice, but since you don't listen to it, it is a waste of time, to those here trying to help people who are actually willing to make an effort to improve their lot.


:iagree:

He can't do something simple like changing all their phone numbers, deleting the facebook account? And no, he refuses to install any keyloggers or get any VARs. He's typical of the minority of BSs that come here wanting advice, but get defensive when they get the advice that they don't want to hear.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

There's only one way that you can remove this guy, and that will land you in prison. Your wife is the one who has to remove him. Until she does that, you will be forever in this purgatory. I suggest you do some reading on codependent relationships. Please take better care of yourself.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

get-thru-this said:


> She still tells me she loves him etc and I hope those feelings will fade


You're still the loser in this. She might have stayed with you but you did not win at all. Why would she need to come around, you're allowing her to be like that by putting on the kid gloves.

Oh honey, take all the time you want. I know you love another man but it's ok I'll still love you.

File and if she doesn't want to get back on board with the marriage move on with your life. To get the OM out of your life forever, you have to be willing to give up your wife also right now.

It's all or nothing, not this I love him but will stay with you and be miserable because I can't be with the man I love. You know how pathetic that sounds?

But love blinds everything, so have at it. She may come around or she may just be a zombie for the rest of her life living with you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Try his name and number on spokeo.com. Make up a fictitious attractive girls facebook page with pictures and request him to be your friend. Someone did this to their boyfriend/husband (?), led them on to show they would pretty much cheat with anyone. You could get all his facebook info that way.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You haven't put a keylogger and used a VAR? If thats true you are in a hopless situation.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

GT,

If she were out of her fog by now she would be either coming back to you or telling you she is still unhappy in the marriage and wants out. The fact that she is still insisting that she loves the OM means they are still communicating. You say that we don't know every situation. I say the situation does not matter. These things follow a predictable pattern. Its based on human behavior so unless you are going to tell us your wife isn't human then you are just refusing to acknowledge that the advice you have and are receiving is correct. Whatever, its your marriage......and your divorce.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

From Feb. 29:

_I've been bending to her tune yes. It's called being a p*ssy. *I'm going to give her time to get thru withdrawal. I need positive signs by end march or D goes ahead.* Any sign of om contact in that time gives immediate filing. Any big bust ups that I can't stay silent to result in filing. I may just file anyway. *This torture is bad for my health.* I listened to a few stories today of ppl going or who have gone thru similar. They were in pieces except the scum who ruined 2 families to be with his childhood sweetheart just like om and my wife. _

Did you set a new date?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

From April 20:

*She still tells me she loves him etc *

Assume there is very little change in your situation - at what point will this be unacceptable to you?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*I told her I wanted more kids and she told me I could give my son a step family.*

What does this mean?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Hope doesn't win wars. Action does. 

Fear of loosing keeps us from taking the actions that will let us win

Not just phrases but truths. For good reason. 

Find the OM. Spend a little on a PI if necessary. 

Know your enemy and his weaknesses. You know one. He fears exposure of the affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

_Any tips or advice? Is hiring a PI a good idea *so I can engineer his removal from our lives to give my wife a chance of getting over her feelings*?_

Your wife has to make this decision. You cannot make it for her. You cannot control her feelings.

Please, try to get the other man out of your lives. Find out about him, tell his wife what is going on. You should have done that much sooner, when this first blew up. Do it now.

But, just keep in mind, you may wind up losing your marriage no matter what you do. Only your wife can control your wife.


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## still_think_of_her (Mar 10, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> She carried the affir on 3 months after DD nd only stopped because of stress?
> 
> It sounds like she is angry at you for ending her happy life as a cheater,. *She certainly doesn't seem to have any guilt or remorse. Sorry to say it, but unless she has remorse the marriage will not be ble to be rebuilt.* _See remorse is her admitting she was wrong and her desiring that she had never done it._ [/i][/size]


I had a similar reconcilliation with my stbxw and yes no remorse means an end to the marriage for sure


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

What a lucky lady she is!!!!!!!!!!!!

She can have her cake and eat it too, without much to worry about, till she is with get thru this, so, sure she is very happy to be his wife.


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## get-thru-this (Feb 25, 2012)

Thanks for the abuse. They were in contact. I did have a keylogger. Her phone now has a callblocker. I have discovered where he lives and he is now feeling the consequences of his actions. My wife has spyphone on her mobile but I know he will not want her in touch. All comm channels are shut. Any I've missed? Fb is blocked and monitored.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Skype?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

get-thru-this said:


> Thanks for the abuse. They were in contact. I did have a keylogger. Her phone now has a callblocker. I have discovered where he lives and he is now feeling the consequences of his actions. My wife has spyphone on her mobile but I know he will not want her in touch. All comm channels are shut. Any I've missed? Fb is blocked and monitored.


Please expound. In case they use a burner phone or have a use someone elses phone you should have a VAR in her car. You may also learn something if they are using someone else to relay messages.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

It wasn't abuse. It was called a 2x4, to try to wake you up. Grow up and get the chip off your shoulder, and realize those here are trying to help you. They were right, you were wrong. Its cool, give her another six months, maybe she change and suddenly become attracted to your beta charachteristics.


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## get-thru-this (Feb 25, 2012)

Ok. All surveillance up except var. no opportunity to purchase yet...have exposed he lied to my wife about living in a 4 bed house when actually 2 bed so must share bed with his partner. His director claim is also a lie as is his partner selling the house as they don't own it. My wife feels the fool and has challenged him so I see it. His email was blocked from replying so I unblocked it, in spirt of honesty and fairness. He took two days to reply about his heart being broken - bollocks. I've let him know I know who he is and where he lives but he doesn't back off. My wife's friends tell her she deserves better than him but hang on.....what about me?
I want to inform his partner by sending her a letter. He has posed as her to get through the block my wife put on his Facebook. She is still not seeing that I am supporting her. Do I dump her and file for divorce till and if she ever sees that she has lost me....hurts as lose access to my son but I feel like such a mug putting up with this ****.
Part of me wants to play tough and other half wants to support her through it. Which is better route to speedy resolution?
Planning to purchase var when back home as currently travelling with work for further week.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ilgitano (Apr 2, 2012)

get-thru-this said:


> Ok. All surveillance up except var. no opportunity to purchase yet...have exposed he lied to my wife about living in a 4 bed house when actually 2 bed so must share bed with his partner. His director claim is also a lie as is his partner selling the house as they don't own it. My wife feels the fool and has challenged him so I see it. His email was blocked from replying so I unblocked it, in spirt of honesty and fairness. He took two days to reply about his heart being broken - bollocks. I've let him know I know who he is and where he lives but he doesn't back off. My wife's friends tell her she deserves better than him but hang on.....what about me?
> I want to inform his partner by sending her a letter. He has posed as her to get through the block my wife put on his Facebook. She is still not seeing that I am supporting her. Do I dump her and file for divorce till and if she ever sees that she has lost me....hurts as lose access to my son but I feel like such a mug putting up with this ****.
> Part of me wants to play tough and other half wants to support her through it. Which is better route to speedy resolution?
> Planning to purchase var when back home as currently travelling with work for further week.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's time for you to put on your pants. I've read through your thread and noticed that from the getgo people have told you to act tough. There's a reason for that... it brings the situation to a threshold. But you replied with "threats don't help"... yes they do. 

The last thing you want to do is to support her through this. This will appear weak in her eyes and if you would manage to solve this siituation via such a method, it would make easy for to do again in the future. Act tough as well decisive and do practice the 180.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

everyone told you to find his partner an xpose the A. Then you threatend to file if contact resume. You find out they was STILL IN CONTACT. Have you filed ?? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO you want to support her thru this. FILE THE D**M PAPERS and act like a man. They followed the script like you was told. NOW YOU have lost even more manhood for not filing in her eyes, and sooner or later she will leave you for a real man.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

get-thru-this said:


> My wife feels the fool and has challenged him so I see it.


But not foolish enough to cut off contact, evidently. This shows how infatuated she is with him, and she won't end contact on her own. 



get-thru-this said:


> His email was blocked from replying so I unblocked it, in spirt of honesty and fairness.


 What spirit of honesty and fairness? The one that THEY have NEVER used and NEVER will? This no time for the high road. Your chance to play hardball and avoid losing her is pretty much gone.



get-thru-this said:


> I've let him know I know who he is and where he lives but he doesn't back off.


He's got your number. He knows you aren't ever going to punch him (metaphorically) where it hurts. He is always laughing at you. He is not afraid, because he knows you too well.



get-thru-this said:


> My wife's friends tell her she deserves better than him but hang on.....what about me?


If they aren't saying dump him because cheating is EVIL, then they are toxic friends and will likely have to exit her life too before she will exit the affair.




get-thru-this said:


> I want to inform his partner by sending her a letter. He has posed as her to get through the block my wife put on his Facebook.


Pardon my French, but what are you waiting for--an engraved invitation? Expose immediately and without warning. Print off the facebook stuff as proof. 



get-thru-this said:


> She is still not seeing that I am supporting her.


Actually, she appreciates your support very much...the support for her AFFAIR. I don't even understand this sentence. She treats you like dirt on her shoes--she barely acknowledges your existence. 



get-thru-this said:


> but I feel like such a mug putting up with this ****.


READ THIS AGAIN. *YOU* typed it. This is your true self saying: SELF, get the **** away from anyone, even if I am married to them, who stabs me in the back and twists the knife and laughs in my face all at the same time.




get-thru-this said:


> Part of me wants to play tough and other half wants to support her through it. Which is better route to speedy resolution?


Can I tell you something--with complete honesty? The use of the word support in this sentence is tragic, disgusting, repulsive, horrific, and a lot of other adjectives that are unprintable. You know WHO is harmed by this way of thinking? Your SON, that is who. How did you get to a point in your life where you thought it was ok to support someone as they wound you and set this most horrible example to your child on how to behave as a wife?

As for the speedy resolution--you already know the answer. But you'd rather "support her" affair than face it. It is:

1. Go to a lawyer. Have divorce papers drawn up. Do not tell her you are doing this, AGAIN, unless you prefer to "support her" affair.

2. Gather all evidence of contact between them. Be sure and include the facebook pages. DO NOT warn her in advance, unless you want to "support her" affair, which you seem to prefer, from what you've said.

3. EXPOSE to his partner, his parents, her family and friends, and anyone else who will help put a stop to the affair. Unless "supporting her" affair is the direction you'd like to go.

4. IMMEDIATELY give her the divorce papers and say, it's me or him, and you have 5 minutes to decide or you have to move out.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

NO, what he should do is have her SERVED. She already have his number, so she will endrun him face to face if he gives her the papers... WAIT, is anyone besides me getting to feel this may just be a TROLL. having fun. COME ON, what man would be such a,,, well you get the picture, his wife if real, got more B**ls than him. I still laugh at her " give him a step family "


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## get-thru-this (Feb 25, 2012)

And still it goes on. Think I had my 5th D-day last night. Frog boiling. Lovely. Oh not a troll. Just someone struggling to hold his remnants of a family together. Alone and seriously bitter now. Affairs are carried out by ignorant scum. I like sharia law. Very appealing. come on guys. paste my ego with ur responses.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

> As for the speedy resolution--you already know the answer. But you'd rather "support her" affair than face it. It is:
> 
> 1. Go to a lawyer. Have divorce papers drawn up. Do not tell her you are doing this, AGAIN, unless you prefer to "support her" affair.
> 
> ...


GTT,

Here is a copy of a previous post from iheartlife.

Take this advice and move forward otherwise your wife is going to keep wiping her feet on your back.

What the heck are you waiting for?

HM64


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## get-thru-this (Feb 25, 2012)

Done that. She chose me. Then he got in touch again and I found out she replied with spy software. Now she wants to try again under the same threat. I moved out last night and back in today after promises to change phone number.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

get-thru-this said:


> Done that. She chose me. Then he got in touch again and I found out she replied with spy software. Now she wants to try again under the same threat. I moved out last night and back in today after promises to change phone number.


Does your wife on the house or is it in your name? I'm just trying to figure out why you were the one who moved out?


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

If you drawn a line in the sand and she overstepped it, you have to follow up with the consequences as promised. 

(Yes, I know you won't. She knows that, too.)


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Waywards will yo yo back and forth the pull is intoxicating for them, make the OM's life hell.

You say you have done all the items below???



> 1. Go to a lawyer. Have divorce papers drawn up. Do not tell her you are doing this, AGAIN, unless you prefer to "support her" affair.
> 
> 2. Gather all evidence of contact between them. Be sure and include the facebook pages. DO NOT warn her in advance, unless you want to "support her" affair, which you seem to prefer, from what you've said.
> 
> ...



What I suggest you do is ramp up the pain level, you can place a photo or the OM on cheatersville or do something like this poster did:

Inevitable Divorce? Plan B Advice - Marriage Builders® Forums

so long as you keep to the facts and tell the truth there is no legal recourse against you


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

snap said:


> If you drawn a line in the sand and she overstepped it, you have to follow up with the consequences as promised.
> 
> (Yes, I know you won't. She knows that, too.)


Agree

Threats are useless , what is required is consistent unwavering action. 

The affair has to be painful , traumatic and emotionally draining for her and the OM to maintain. The single biggest tool you have is that they do not know what you will do next. You can sit idle and hope or you can shatter their world.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

get-thru-this said:


> I'm giving it 2 more months. If no improvement then the papers get filed. I'm getting advice from other sites that all my efforts are fruitless for the first 6 weeks of nc.


remember? You made this post in feb


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> remember? You made this post in feb


:iagree:

And now it's June and DDay#5. That's a long time to live in the hell of limbo.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

get-thru-this, you've read enough here to know what you have to do. It's all up to you now.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

When it establishes a reliable pattern, there's little point even calling it D-Days. The affair is not going to stop, it's kinda pointless counting now.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

How much humiliation and disrespect are you willing to endure? If the roles were reversed she wouldn't be putting up with this so why are you? She has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Enough is enough!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Let me try a different tact:

If you truly love your wife, let her go. She has made it clear, through both words and actions, that she loves the other man and not you. I realize that is hard, but don't stand in her way. Love her and give her what she wants. Divorce her and let her be with the other man. 

There is a thread on here titled "Let Them Go." You need to let your wife go and find her happiness.


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## get-thru-this (Feb 25, 2012)

I'm just fed up. This is so draining. I've given her divorce papers but she says she will give him up and try again. A quick divorce is now off the cards as been 6 months since I found out so courts now say I condoned the affair (uk law). I just have to keep up the spying, catching, revealing and hatred with a brave face for my son. I think I'm destined to be shafted. I lose my home, my son, 75% of my belongings and cash as well as my wife who I've already lost. The house is in joint names. She won't move out and I can't kick her out. Law says she can get back in. Marriage sucks! Maybe I just let her go to him and get my own mistress. This MI6 business is satisfying in a sick way though. Every one knows as I told all at the beginning. They don't know it's continuing. They all think we are just n a rough patch, not at each others throats. This is definitely frog boiling! Thanks for reading my rant and hope it helps people starting on this path to heed the advice from these guys and take full action early and immediately! This is the only place I can express myself so thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

get-thru-this said:


> A quick divorce is now off the cards *as been 6 months since I found out so courts now say I condoned the affair (uk law). *


So sorry to learn that the clock starts ticking from the time you discover the affair. Talk about injustice. After 6 months its considered that you condone the affair? Wow. Just Wow. We'll have to remember that for any newly betrayed members in the UK.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

lordmayhem said:


> So sorry to learn that the clock starts ticking from the time you discover the affair. Talk about injustice. After 6 months its considered that you condone the affair? Wow. Just Wow. We'll have to remember that for any newly betrayed members in the UK.


However if he puts the OM on cheatersville and exposes him far and wide those same courts will serve in his favour , as evidenced by a number of cases in Britian where a number of OM's have tried to have the information withdrawn and lost, they received a good dose of public humiliation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Your hostage to your wife if you choose to be, get a good lawyer and file. Nothing shows your more serious than you moving on in life without her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

get-thru-this said:


> I'm just fed up. This is so draining. I've given her divorce papers but she says she will give him up and try again. A quick divorce is now off the cards as been 6 months since I found out so courts now say I condoned the affair (uk law). I just have to keep up the spying, catching, revealing and hatred with a brave face for my son. I think I'm destined to be shafted. I lose my home, my son, 75% of my belongings and cash as well as my wife who I've already lost. The house is in joint names. She won't move out and I can't kick her out. Law says she can get back in. Marriage sucks! Maybe I just let her go to him and get my own mistress. This MI6 business is satisfying in a sick way though. Every one knows as I told all at the beginning. They don't know it's continuing. They all think we are just n a rough patch, not at each others throats. This is definitely frog boiling! Thanks for reading my rant and hope it helps people starting on this path to heed the advice from these guys and take full action early and immediately! This is the only place I can express myself so thanks.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OK, then play dumb husband for a few months while you move your wealth into other means where she can't access/get and you'll divorce her then?

Edit: In the mean time double bag it and try anything you want on your wife, maybe a little abusive methods will help her leave the house on her own.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

get-thru-this said:


> I'm just fed up. This is so draining. I've given her divorce papers but she says she will give him up and try again. A quick divorce is now off the cards as been 6 months since I found out so courts now say I condoned the affair (uk law). I just have to keep up the spying, catching, revealing and hatred with a brave face for my son. I think I'm destined to be shafted. I lose my home, my son, 75% of my belongings and cash as well as my wife who I've already lost. The house is in joint names. She won't move out and I can't kick her out. Law says she can get back in. Marriage sucks! Maybe I just let her go to him and get my own mistress. This MI6 business is satisfying in a sick way though. Every one knows as I told all at the beginning. They don't know it's continuing. They all think we are just n a rough patch, not at each others throats. This is definitely frog boiling! Thanks for reading my rant and hope it helps people starting on this path to heed the advice from these guys and take full action early and immediately! This is the only place I can express myself so thanks.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Read this link about UK quickie divorce law

divorce law uk - adultery as a reason for divorce

http://www.terry.co.uk/divorce.html

How about divorce on "unreasonable behavior" -- read this also in link above.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> So sorry to learn that the clock starts ticking from the time you discover the affair. Talk about injustice. After 6 months its considered that you condone the affair? Wow. Just Wow. We'll have to remember that for any newly betrayed members in the UK.


So much for fence-sitting.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

get-thru-this said:


> I'm just fed up. This is so draining. I've given her divorce papers but she says she will give him up and try again. A quick divorce is now off the cards as been 6 months since I found out so courts now say I condoned the affair (uk law). I just have to keep up the spying, catching, revealing and hatred with a brave face for my son. I think I'm destined to be shafted. I lose my home, my son, 75% of my belongings and cash as well as my wife who I've already lost. The house is in joint names. She won't move out and I can't kick her out. Law says she can get back in. Marriage sucks! Maybe I just let her go to him and get my own mistress. This MI6 business is satisfying in a sick way though. Every one knows as I told all at the beginning. They don't know it's continuing. They all think we are just n a rough patch, not at each others throats. This is definitely frog boiling! Thanks for reading my rant and hope it helps people starting on this path to heed the advice from these guys and take full action early and immediately! This is the only place I can express myself so thanks.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Check out some of the other current threads and explain to them how not to do it. Time for you to do the 180.; Did you read " No More Mr Nice Guy " and "Married Man Sex Life"?


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## get-thru-this (Feb 25, 2012)

Ok. Here we are at 2 weeks and 2 days since nc. Currently with her in Spain. I'm sure there has been nc as she can easily name how long it's been. First two nights of hol were fine. No sex but u get used to that. I mean there were no bitter exchanges. Then on night 3 is the complaint about not talking so I bring up the elephant in the room. She is still without feelings for me. I know this, I tell her it will take time and she repeats her it's too late speech. It's over, won't be in love with me again etc etc. cue broken record. I say I will only file one year after I give up and I haven't given up so she has to put up with me. Poor cow! I'm now in the hotel bar watching soccer and drinking alone. She mocks my feelings for her but she refuses to believe she is being a *****. I am the one doing wrong by denying her access to lover boy. He's lucky to still be alive. Anyway does this ever improve. I'm paying for a counsellor to justify my wife's actions to her and help her find what she needs to be happy. Has anyone else ever been in this dark hole and made it out? How is it done? Do I stick with the nc enforcement and just take the *****'s abuse till she comes round?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

For the love of God, Man up already, file and start moving on with your life.

You are going to die very early if you keep living like this.


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## get-thru-this (Feb 25, 2012)

Posse said:


> For the love of God, Man up already, file and start moving on with your life.
> 
> You are going to die very early if you keep living like this.


It's easy to say quit. Too many people do that and I don't quit till I've exhausted all options. I'm a stubborn fool which u should have all realised by now. I'm just after a bit of support
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Find her a new bf, then gather evidence to file for divorce on grounds of adultery, problem solved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

I 'm really sorry for your pain. But you must acknowledge that it is you who has decided to let it continue. It's hard to lend support to someone who persists in harming himself. I wish you luck.


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## cabin fever (Feb 9, 2012)

get-thru-this said:


> I don't quit till I've exhausted all options. _Posted via Mobile Device_


What options exactly do you have left? When will you realize you're beating a dead horse?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

keko said:


> Find her a new bf, then gather evidence to file for divorce on grounds of adultery, problem solved.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



That's a good point. Let her go back to her boyfriend. Discover she's committing adultery. And the 6-month clock resets.

Or, as keko said, a new bf is even better.


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## get-thru-this (Feb 25, 2012)

Okay I can do this with zero support. U will all see in a year. I've already lost the support of my friends and family. This is a message to any man in a similar position. It's hard, everyone will think ur a nutter but a dad needs to be able to look his son in the eye and tell him that he tried his best to hold the family together. This forum should be called talkaboutdivorce.com.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

look, I got a D and we had a son. Now I'm mid 50's and he's early 30's and doing fine. You want to hang on, OK thats you, but don't say its for him. What is he going to learn from a father that lets his wife date other men. NOTHING but how to have a disfunctional marriage. You and her can come to an agreement on joint custody if she wants out so much. What these ppl have been trying to tell you is what works. Filing a D and going thru to the end is not the same. it can be stopped at any time. But this has been one of the most effective tools in getting them out of the fog.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

I am going through discovery period myself with my spouses A, BUT, the difference is that she is truly remorseful, and is doing the right things to make things right. I do not envy your situation. Even with my spouse doing the right things, one slip up and I'd not hesitate to file for D. I understand the reasoning of keeping a family together completely, but don't lose your dignity, self worth, and self esteem in the process if she's not going to put in the same love that you carry for her. At that point it would be HER loss, and she may or may not ever see it. Be strong. I pray I never have to make the choice to cut my losses


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

get-thru-this said:


> I've already lost the support of my friends and family.


Hmmm...I wonder why? 



get-thru-this said:


> This is a message to any man in a similar position. It's hard, everyone will think ur a nutter but a dad needs to be able to look his son in the eye and tell him that he tried his best to hold the family together. This forum should be called talkaboutdivorce.com.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You think your situation is unique? There are many men here, including myself who've invested many more years than you have, that have more children than you have that can let go. We've heard this sentence many times here.

This particular sub forum is called Coping With Infidelity for a reason. It's not called Rug Sweeping Infidelity. Coping with infidelity is for the betrayed spouse, for them to heal, and that includes either heading toward divorce or reconciling. 

Sorry you're not hearing what you want to hear. What you want to hear is people encouraging you to put up with your WWs bad behavior. I refuse to be an enabler of actions that help a betrayed spouse continue to live in the hell of limbo. 

What you're doing is using your son as an excuse to stay in a broken marriage with a cheater that no longer loves you. You live in fear, and that's sad to see. Now you've become controlling, because you're trying to make your WW love you. The thing is you can't make her love you anymore because she's checked out of the marriage. 

Good luck with your rug sweeping and trying to make her love you. Yes, we'll see in a year.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

get-thru-this said:


> I've already lost the support of my friends and family.


Erm that should be a pretty big indication.... 


And no one here's forcing you to get a divorce, your own wife is telling you she doesn't want you. And stop with the kids card get-thru-this, you and I know it's BS. Would you be proud of your son if he did the same thing you're doing now?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

GTT,
We are giving you support. But you have to want to see it.

I am pro marriage. I am pro reconciliation. But only when two spouses are willing to fight for their marriage.

You cannot do it alone. And your wife is not willing to fight for you.

Sadly, you two have not been married long so I think she does not want to invest any more time in the marriage.

Set your date to decide if you want remain married. It s your time so use it as you like.

But you need to judge if she is still worthy of you, your love and frankly your time. You have a very selfish woman on your hands.

Your cause is noble but you do not see anymore knights in shining armor in waiting anymore. They all died of broken hearts.

Do not end up the same way! You deserve better! Go find it.

HM64
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

*Posted 06-04-2012*


> I'm just fed up. This is so draining. I've given her divorce papers but she says she will give him up and try again


*Today*


> ... she repeats her it's too late speech. It's over, won't be in love with me again etc etc. ... She mocks my feelings for her but she refuses to believe she is being a *****. I am the one doing wrong by denying her access to lover boy.


Your wife is crazy. Simply put. Why the hell didn't she accept the divorce just 2 weeks ago? How many times this very thing has to happen for you to wake up?

I'm with the poster who said to provide one of those "paid BFF" only with the porpose of filing for adultery so you don't go lose all financialy wise. Get evidence and file.


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