# Any Advice??



## wifey826 (Nov 13, 2014)

I am 32 and my husband is 28 and we have been together for 6 years with six children(one together).We have had our ups and downs in our marriage and last year we separated and almost divorced then he started a emotional relationship with a woman. We decided to give it one last chance and he cut things off and became very open with all resources to gain trust and to make sure i knew he wasn't straying and that it ended with her. Since then though things have been great as far as him being loving and wanting to be around me but one thing which has been a issue for awhile and thats our sex life. My husband works at a trash company and works long hours and i totally get that but I feel like if i want sex then i have to be scheduled in or i have to force him to do it at times. Right now we do it a couple times a week and its usually on the weekend and its never spontaneous and i certainly don't feel passion its just sex to get him off at that point.I have talked to him and he just gets very defenseless and says he's tired and sore all the time and we have kids so we can't have it all the time cause the only time is at night to do anything. My husband is very physically fit and goes to the gym 6 days a week and I just feel like he can set time for that but not me.It just makes me think really crappy of myself cause i feel like i shouldn't have to beg and feel bad cause i want my husband cause i wish he would want me the same. We do have kids and i understand that point but they are a lot older and not always around to even use that as a excuse in my opinion.I don't know what to do or how to talk to him without him feeling like I'm attacking him or saying that our marriage sucks cause thats how he says he feels but this is really a issue for me and I think more so cause of the past with what happened when we were separated.He has tried to boost his sex drive with pills but once again its usually when he wants sex and is ready not when i want it. Most would be like omg you get it more then me a week but like i said when it does happen its when he wants and needs it at that point and their is no passion it just becomes sex.Any Advice?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Have you told your husband how you feel, using the words above? What was his response?


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## wifey826 (Nov 13, 2014)

Yes. He just gets mad cause he thinks that how often we do it is fine to him and i should be happy with that considering he says that he's sore and tired and we have kids. He thinks I'm saying he's a bad husband and that I'm not happy but thats not it at all. I know we can be a certain way cause when we got back together last year we had the kids and his job and our sex life was amazing but as time went on it went back to this. Their is no passion like i said its predictable cause i know that on the weekend he is going to want it for him and it won't be passion it will be just sex for HIM. I feel like just a piece of meat and he also usually says well if i want it I just should go for it but I ALWAYS do that and I get tired of being the only one to get it started especially when I don't get anything in return.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Six days a week at the gym. Does he lift weights every day and run split routines and do his workouts last hours at a time? Assuming that he's really going to the gym and his workouts are like I described above, then he's being extremely selfish. If he's too sore to have sex, then it's of his own doing because he's giving his all to the gym.

If there is not another girl in the picture, and that he's spending a lot of time at the gym, do you find him admiring himself a lot in the mirror, obsessed about his muscle gains and other types of self-centered narcissistic behaviours? He may becoming addicted to body building and he may be developing an obsession to look better and better.

This is not to knock people who work out. I workout regularly too. But I never let my workouts get in the way of family and marital obligations. Simply put, family and marriage comes first. Then I fit workout out in around those times where I can have legitimate free time. OTOH, he's making you and his family fit in around his gym time. That's not right and must change if you want a future with him.

Don't discount the possibility that he's using the gym as a ruse to carry on an affair. Hate to say that, but he did break the seal on that one afterall.


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## wifey826 (Nov 13, 2014)

We both workout at the same time early in the morning not with each other but in the same place and then he goes to work and on the weekends its the same way but then he spends the rest of the day with us. Im not concerned with him cheating just cause of his openness of things like (phone,computer etc...) since we were separated to get that back he has worked really hard and has done what is needed to make me feel secure in the cheating and it never happening again and the fact that he really does devote his time off work with me and the kids. He is not lacking in being loving in any other department but our sex life.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

So it doesn't feel like his desire for sex is born from a desire for you.


This is something men just don't seem to get. They think women look at sex the same way they do.

Your next would be to try to identify specific behaviors that communicate a desire for you. Nonsexual attention, loving words, compliments... That kind of stuff. Be as specific as possible. 

He just doesn't understand that he is turning sex with you into Just Sex, when sex with you should feel like emotionally connecting.


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## wifey826 (Nov 13, 2014)

Exactly right!! I think trying to voice this feeling to him just causes my feelings to hurt more cause he dosnt understand and for him he just gets more upset and turns on the defense and excuse mode. Honestly I can't think of any other way to tell him my feelings to bring it to a level where it won't upset him.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Well, men like to say they feel loved when their woman has sex with them. So that's all it takes, to spread your legs and be compliant? Of course not. 

A man feels loved when she clearly is enjoying RESPONDING to what he is doing. But any man could touch her that way, would she respond the same? Maybe. If she is just having sex she might respond the same.

So where does the emotional connection come from? What behaviors create or reinforce this emotional connection; the connection that distincts between sex and love?

Ask your husband how he feels loved. How does he best feel your love for him? Ask him to be as specific as possible.

Then talk about how he would feel loved if you stopped doing or saying or responding in those ways but continued to have sex with him?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"cause when we got back together last year we had the kids and his job and our sex life was amazing but as time went on it went back to this" wifey826

so he does know how to please you and give you 'amazing' sex.

This is very good. it would be much worse if he didn't even know how. 

without getting graphic, what we're the things that pleased you and made 'amazing sex?


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## wifey826 (Nov 13, 2014)

their was passion and he focused on my needs and wants versus just his own and just getting it over with.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

so, that's still good. he needs to start taking more time and getting back to the basics. back to focusing on you.

he needs to stop being selfish in regards to sex.

he gets mad when you try to talk to him, but until you make your point acknowledged and addressed, there's no progress.

keep at it, but try not to trigger him too much. be firm but don't get heated.


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