# Fitness Tests for Women?



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

There is so much on TAM regarding men manning up and how women test men. I was wondering how women are tested by men?

I know one way in which I feel tested by my man. He will act as if he is incapable of doing something I know he can do. To pass, I have to answer "You got this honey! I'm sure you'll figure it out." I fail if I just throw up my hands and do it for him or figure out an option of how it can get done.

Everytime I take on a chore or responsibility that I know he could have done (should have done) it leads to me feeling more and more overwhelmed and stressed. My test is to pass some of my burdens on to him and then encourage him as he does them. If I get anxious that things aren't getting done according to my timeline or in the way that I would have done them and just take over, I've failed the test.

Basically I feel like fitness tests for women are any situation where we choose control over trust. Also, those times when we choose to argue over defuse.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

He says he needs to go somewhere or do something. To pass I'm supposed to say "sure honey see you when you get back". If I play 20 questions or try to keep him from leaving I'm controlling.

He offers to help with the kids but feeds them chocolate cake for dinner and calls to ask stupid questions like where are the diapers or why is the baby crying. To pass I'm supposed to say "glad you are having a good time and I'm sure you'll figure it out".

He lets the kids watch something scary on tv while you aren't around despite knowing they are prone to nightmares. Later when they won't go to bed you defer to him. To pass you say "I know this will be a good teaching moment to tell them that tv is fake. I'll meet you in bed when you're done.". 

I'm sure I'll think of more but you are right choosing control over trust is the cornerstone of this. Another issue for me is responsibility. I have a tendency to make his problems mine which is not good.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I think women get fitness tested all the time. Both men and women do it, but I don't really like that name. I think it's just part of boundary setting.

Some men test the boundaries of a relationship, by being disrespectful, talking about other women and how hot they are. by not doing their fair share, by "forgetting" special occasions etc I could go on, but any poor behaviour from either sex usually comes from poor boundary setting, if the behaviour continues it just means they don't value you, your feelings or your relationship enough.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> He says he needs to go somewhere or do something. To pass I'm supposed to say "sure honey see you when you get back". If I play 20 questions or try to keep him from leaving I'm controlling.
> 
> He offers to help with the kids but feeds them chocolate cake for dinner and calls to ask stupid questions like where are the diapers or why is the baby crying. To pass I'm supposed to say "glad you are having a good time and I'm sure you'll figure it out".
> 
> ...


YES!!! All excellent examples! I knew there were more, I just couldn't think of them.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Except when WE do it you call it passive aggressive. Hey I KNOW you're going to breathe down my neck, supervise and micromanage and then scold and nag that I failed and you'll redo it all yourself. So I don't need to be involved. You're the control freak, you're the perfectionist. Knock yourself out. I didn't go to the University of Vacuuming.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Runs like Dog said:


> Except when WE do it you call it passive aggressive. Hey I KNOW you're going to breathe down my neck, supervise and micromanage and then scold and nag that I failed and you'll redo it all yourself. So I don't need to be involved. You're the control freak, you're the perfectionist. Knock yourself out. I didn't go to the University of Vacuuming.



If a wife micromanages and scolds her husband while vacuuming, she's failed the test. If she goes over the floor after him because she still sees spots on the floor, she's failed. To pass the test, she has not sweat the little things.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

That's like asking some people to not breathe. It's how they're wired. So I'm the one accused of passive aggressive behavior for refusing to do it. See how that works?


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Trying to wrap my mind around this...fitness tests for men and women seem to be so different to me. 

So women's fitness testing appears to be how the woman reacts when her husband acts like a nut or doesn't do something correctly? That seems a little...strange, to me. I don't think I'm getting this straight. The whole concept seems quite fuzzy to me.


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## AbsolutelyFree (Jan 28, 2011)

While the behaviors described in the thread sound like a wierd hitch or game, in my opinion it doesn't really match the idea of a fitness test.



Actually, one interesting topic mentioned in Robert Glover's book No More Mister Nice Guy is how many Nice Guys will make what he describes as 'covert contracts.' 

In the mind of the 'Nice Guy,' a contract is established in which he will do X, his wife (or whoever the other person is) will respond with Y, and neither person acknowledges the existence of this contract. When the other person fails to respond with whatever behavior he was expecting, they are not keeping their end of the bargain and he feels betrayed or let down.

Glover describes these kinds of 'covert contracts' as a form of passive aggressive behavior, and I'd agree.

The simple example he gives is how when a Nice Guy says 'I love you,' he is saying it not as a expression of his feelings, but because he wants his wife to say 'I love you too.' He will act sulky and childish if his wife does not fufill her end of the contract, even though she wasn't aware that it even existed.

Another example relates closely to what was described in the thread. The Nice Guy doesn't actually care about having a clean house or taking care of the kids. It's a 'covert contract' in which in exchange for doing these chores, he will recieve whatever response it is that he's looking for from his wife. If he doesn't get the response, he will act like a big baby, become grumpy, silent, whatever.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Runs like Dog said:


> That's like asking some people to not breathe. It's how they're wired. So I'm the one accused of passive aggressive behavior for refusing to do it. See how that works?


No. I don't think that is true. I understand that is your perspective. You sound like a man who has been at the receiving end of a controlling wife for years and have accepted that she can not change. She can change. 

Why would anyone continue to do something when they are constantly told they are doing it incorrectly? Anyone would decide to stop. That makes sense. 

The dynamic of your marriage does not sound very healthy. Somewhere along the lines, your wife decided you are an idiot incapable of doing the most menial tasks decently. She then decided it was her job to "fix" you and her way of doing that was to basically nag and criticize you into submission. A lot of us women fall into this trap. Unfortunately, it's an easy trap to fall into when you have unreasonably high expectations of someone.

When the floor wasn't vacuumed to her standards, the right thing to do was to just say, "Thanks for vacuuming the floor honey" and leave it at that. I mean, at least you did it. You could have refused or put it off indefinately. 

So if she asks you to do something again and you know she'll just hover over you making sure it is done to her standards, just say, "No, I'm not going to do that because you feel the need to treat me like a child scolding me along the way. I'm not a child, I'm a grown man. I may not do things the way YOU would, but I'm doing the best I can so back off of me."


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I don't think of them as fitness tests. I think of them as setting the tone of the relationship. If I micromanage my husband he isn't likely to help. If I don't allow him freedom I'm controlling and nobody likes a control freak. If I tell him what to do I become his mom not his wife.

What I see now is every action, every behavior, every response towards my spouse has a consequence good or bad. If I want good consequences I need to pick good actions.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

AbsolutelyFree said:


> While the behaviors described in the thread sound like a wierd hitch or game, in my opinion it doesn't really match the idea of a fitness test.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I understand what you are saying, but that's not what I'm talking about. 

I'm talking about how we women respond to things that would normally evoke nagging, controlling behavior from us, not how a man reacts to how we respond. It's not about the passive agressivenss of our husbands having an idea of how our responces should be. 

It's all about choosing trust instead of control and letting go of the little things that drive us up the wall.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

AbsolutelyFree said:


> While the behaviors described in the thread sound like a wierd hitch or game, in my opinion it doesn't really match the idea of a fitness test.


See, this is what I was thinking. I view a fitness test as pushing a spouse's button(generally with boundaries) and then waiting for the appropriate response(to see if the spouse stands his/her ground), determining a pass or fail status.

Is this a decent description?


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> I don't think of them as fitness tests. I think of them as setting the tone of the relationship. If I micromanage my husband he isn't likely to help. If I don't allow him freedom I'm controlling and nobody likes a control freak. If I tell him what to do I become his mom not his wife.
> 
> What I see now is every action, every behavior, every response towards my spouse has a consequence good or bad. If I want good consequences I need to pick good actions.


To that point, I don't much think of male "fitness tests" as tests either. I mean, asking my husband to pick up the baby from school isn't what I would call a test. I was just using the phrase that is used so frequently on this site to garner discussion.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

MGirl said:


> See, this is what I was thinking. I view a fitness test as pushing a spouse's button(generally with boundaries) and then waiting for the appropriate response(to see if the spouse stands his/her ground), determining a pass or fail status.
> 
> Is this a decent description?


Then I think it's the same thing. We'll use the example of vacuuming. Let's say a wife asks her husband to vacuum the floor and he does so half-heartedly missing a lot of obvious dirt on the floor.

I don't know about you, but that would push a lot of women's buttons. The appropriate response from the wife is then to just thank him for vacuuming and she passes. If she nags him and points out that he vacuumed the floor "wrong" then she fails.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

themrs said:


> Then I think it's the same thing. We'll use the example of vacuuming. Let's say a wife asks her husband to vacuum the floor and he does so half-heartedly missing a lot of obvious dirt on the floor.
> 
> I don't know about you, but that would push a lot of women's buttons. The appropriate response from the wife is then to just thank him for vacuuming and she passes. If she nags him and points out that he vacuumed the floor "wrong" then she fails.


Gotcha  

I guess I'm just more familiar with men's fitness testing. I don't think I get much testing from my husband. Or I'm just completely oblivious to it.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

MGirl said:


> Gotcha
> 
> I guess I'm just more familiar with men's fitness testing. I don't think I get much testing from my husband. Or I'm just completely oblivious to it.


Well, weren't the men completely oblivious to the fitness testing from women? I was. Hell, here I thought I was asking my husband for help or crying because I felt bad about something and I was testing him the whole time!


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Here's another one. Husband repeatedly comes home late for dinner (assuming no good reason). To pass you have dinner ready at a reasonable time, eat and when he gets home you say sweetly "hi honey how was your day?" followed by "I saved you a plate. It's in the fridge". 

I've been married almost 20 years. I've got lots of these. Most I screwed up. Its only now in hindsight that I see the errors in my ways.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> Here's another one. Husband repeatedly comes home late for dinner (assuming no good reason). To pass you have dinner ready at a reasonable time, eat and when he gets home you say sweetly "hi honey how was your day?" followed by "I saved you a plate. It's in the fridge".
> 
> I've been married almost 20 years. I've got lots of these. Most I screwed up.



LOL! I've only passed this one a couple of times. Your line was perfect. I would have just said, "I saved you a plate." I love your cheerful attitude. That would definitely get an "I'm sorry I was late." from my husband.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I had one of these "test" just last week. Husband volunteered ME to pick up one of his friends kids (I'm a homemaker). I already pick up at two schools and this would be a third. I passed this one. I said "sure I'd be happy to help out your friend. Three schools is a bit much so what I'll do is just put our kids on the bus. They can be latch key kids for 20-25 minutes until I get home." 

Took him less than a minute before he said he'd pick that kid up and for me not to worry about it.

All done with a smile on my face. Fabulous!


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

themrs said:


> LOL! I've only passed this one a couple of times. Your line was perfect. I would have just said, "I saved you a plate." I love your cheerful attitude. That would definitely get an "I'm sorry I was late." from my husband.


I haven't always been so cheerful in fact I've come close to throwing that plate in his face a few times. But obviously that never gets me an "I'm sorry I was late" either. LOL!! I get that it's all in being clever and cheerful.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> I had one of these "test" just last week. Husband volunteered ME to pick up one of his friends kids. I already pick up at two schools and this would be a third. I passed this one. I said "sure I'd be happy to help out your friend. Three schools is a bit much so what I'll do is just put our kids on the bus. They can be latch key kids for 20-25 minutes until I get home."
> 
> Took him less than a minute before he said he'd pick that kid up and for me not to worry about it.
> 
> All done with a smile on my face. Fabulous!


LOL! I love that you didn't say it sarcastically. I am working on my tone. It is a HUGE issue for me. I guess by the time I'm 20 years in, I'll have it under control. We've been married 6 years.

I failed a test yesterday. His mother and I have been arguing. To bury the hatchet, she sent me a mother's day card. When I got home, he had opened it. I should have just looked at the card and commented to him how wonderful it was that his mother sent me a card. Instead, I focused on the fact that he was opening my mail. I hate not having any privacy.

He went off on me saying that he did it in order to protect me. He didn't want me to read something that would hurt my feelings, so he read it first to see if it was something nice or something that continued the arguement. His intentions were good. I should have trusted that he wouldn't open my mail just to be nosey.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

themrs said:


> LOL! I love that you didn't say it sarcastically. I am working on my tone. It is a HUGE issue for me. I guess by the time I'm 20 years in, I'll have it under control. We've been married 6 years.


I used to be the queen of sarcasm. My husband HATES it so over the years I've worked on taming it. Most times like in the example you gave his heart was in the right place I just didn't give him a chance to explain.

If I had a nickle for every test I've failed I'd be rich now. You don't have to wait 20 years to get it do it now before it's too late.

Even if you are upset at him you can say it without sarcasm. Like with the card you could have said right off sweetly "wow your mom sent me a card? Is there a reason you opened it for me?" Just ask. I think I go to sarcasm because I lacked the tools to get my needs met. I know for me it was just because I knew no other way.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> Even if you are upset at him you can say it without sarcasm. Like with the card you could have said right off sweetly *"wow your mom sent me a card? Is there a reason you opened it for me?*" Just ask. I think we go to sarcasm because we lack the tools to get our needs met. I know for me it was just becuase I knew no other way.


That is a good one. Thank you. I am learning.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

themrs said:


> That is a good one. Thank you. I am learning.


Me too. The formula is say something nice first or agree with them. Be accomodating and understanding.

Here's something I said in response to my husband being late coming home when I had a counseling appt.

"I can see that it's difficult for you to leave work early. What I can do is stop going until our youngest is in school (3 months) if you'd like just let me know". Again pleasant and smiling.

He said oh no he liked how counseling was helping me be calmer and he then apologized for being late but to keep making those appts. LOL!!

In the past I would have jumped his case for making ME late. Sarcasm would have oozed from every pore and gotten me nowhere.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> Me too. The formula is say something nice first or agree with them. Be accomodating and understanding.
> 
> Here's something I said in response to my husband being late coming home when I had a counseling appt.
> 
> ...



You're right. It just seems so UNFAIR. He knows you have an appointment, but he's late anyway (disregards your time) and instead of having the appropriate response of anger that he would be so indifferent about your schedule we have to do the opposite and be polite and accommodating. 

But you are right. What seems fair will get us nowhere. I get caught up in the injustice of it all and it keeps me from doing what I know I should do. I am growing older and realizing that sometimes when you lose, you actually win and vice versa.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

themrs said:


> You're right. It just seems so UNFAIR. He knows you have an appointment, but he's late anyway (disregards your time) and instead of having the appropriate response of anger that he would be so indifferent about your schedule we have to do the opposite and be polite and accommodating.
> 
> But you are right. What seems fair will get us nowhere. I get caught up in the injustice of it all and it keeps me from doing what I know I should do. I am growing older and realizing that sometimes when you lose, you actually win and vice versa.


Oh my gosh I have this debate with my much younger girlfriend almost daily about how it's not fair. I guess thats where my 20 years of experience comes in. I have the age and wisdom to know that anger only fuels resentment. A wise woman knows how to motivate her husband and it isn't through anger not today not ever.

You can focus on the injustice of it or you can look at is as an opportunity to become a mastermind. I'm getting what I want hows your way working for you?


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Magnoliagal, I get it. I just don't like it! LOL! I'm doing better though.

After I failed the card test yesterday, I apologized to him. I didn't give an excuse for my actions, I just said I was sorry for how I acted. In the past I would have qualified my apology like, "I'm sorry, but you shouldn't have opened my mail. I don't open your mail." But I didn't. I just said, "I'm sorry." I thought the rest in my head though! LOL!

Also, I didn't get mad that he didn't apologize to me. I felt wronged too, why don't I get an apology in return? I just let it go and went on with the evening.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

themrs said:


> Also, I didn't get mad that he didn't apologize to me. I felt wronged too, why don't I get an apology in return? I just let it go and went on with the evening.


You didn't get an apology because even though you didn't say the words you were thinking them. Your heart wasn't in it and he knows it. The sincerity wasn't there. Maybe it does take 20 years to truly get humbled to where you don't do things with an expectation. A true apology doesn't come with qualifications (in your head or otherwise) and it doesn't come with expecting one in return. 

Ah to be young again where you see the world as right or wrong and everything has to be fair and just. I've so been where you are and I laugh now at how much grief I could have saved myself had I gotten it without the mad about it part.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> You didn't get an apology because even though you didn't say the words you were thinking them. Your heart wasn't in it and he knows it. The sincerity wasn't there. Maybe it does take 20 years to truly get humbled to where you don't do things with an expectation. A true apology doesn't come with qualifications (in your head or otherwise) and it doesn't come with expecting one in return.
> 
> Ah to be young again where you see the world as right or wrong and everything has to be fair and just. I've so been where you are and I laugh now at how much grief I could have saved myself had I gotten it without the mad about it part.


No I really did say it humbly. Honestly. I didn't walk away in a huff or anything. 

I think my husband has a hard time apologizing to me. He can admit he was wrong, but he can't actually say the words if you know what I mean. There have been many times when he's clearly been in the wrong and he has never said he is sorry. He just does other things that indicate his remorse and I'm supposed to take that as an apology. I'd really like to hear the words sometimes, but I'm giving up on that.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

themrs said:


> You're right. It just seems so UNFAIR. He knows you have an appointment, but he's late anyway (disregards your time) and instead of having the appropriate response of anger that he would be so indifferent about your schedule we have to do the opposite and be polite and accommodating.
> 
> But you are right. What seems fair will get us nowhere. I get caught up in the injustice of it all and it keeps me from doing what I know I should do. I am growing older and realizing that sometimes when you lose, you actually win and vice versa.


I can tell you why.

When "YOU" decide what's "fair", the entire thing becomes about you and your judgement.

Anyone senses that.

No one likes it.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

themrs said:


> He just does other things that indicate his remorse and I'm supposed to take that as an apology. I'd really like to hear the words sometimes, but I'm giving up on that.


It isn't about giving up it's about acceptance. He is more comfortable saying he's sorry through his actions and yet you reject that. Why can't you simply look at him in those moments and say "you're forgiven" and mean it. Then say sweetly "I'm looking forward to the day when you can actually say the words you are sorry. I'd love to hear those words sometimes from you. That would make me feel very special". Then give him a big hug and mean it. 

Oh then let it go. He heard you. And if he does say hes sorry you'd better respond well or you won't hear it again.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Conrad said:


> I can tell you why.
> 
> When "YOU" decide what's "fair", the entire thing becomes about you and your judgement.
> 
> ...


I don't understand what you mean. If the shoe was on the other foot, I'm certain my husband would not react in a polite caring way. He'd react in a way that conveyed his displeasure to my tardiness. The same goes with anyone. On time = good/ Late = bad. I didn't make those rules.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Conrad said:


> I can tell you why.
> 
> When "YOU" decide what's "fair", the entire thing becomes about you and your judgement.
> 
> ...


This is the lesson it took me over a decade to get. I'm so judgemental almost to a fault. And yet I never saw it. It was always HIS fault. I of course had nothing to do with it. I was so clueless.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> It isn't about giving up it's about acceptance. He is more comfortable saying he's sorry through his actions and yet you reject that. Why can't you simply look at him in those moments and say "you're forgiven" and mean it. Then say sweetly "I'm looking forward to the day when you can actually say the words you are sorry. I'd love to hear those words sometimes from you. That would make me feel very special". Then give him a big hug and mean it.


I'm doing the best that I can right now. That doesn't mean I can't do better. That just means, at this moment in time this is all I've got.

To accept that is how he apologizes means that I approve of it. I don't think that it's a good way to communicate to someone that you are sorry, by totally ignoring what you did (not acknowleging it verbally) and just going along with a nice attitude as if nothing happened. It takes me a while to get on board with that behavior. At this point, I just don't say "I think I deserve an apology" and that is an improvement. 

I'm getting there. It may just be baby steps, but it's something.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

themrs said:


> I don't understand what you mean. If the shoe was on the other foot, I'm certain my husband would not react in a polite caring way. He'd react in a way that conveyed his displeasure to my tardiness. The same goes with anyone. On time = good/ Late = bad. I didn't make those rules.


See there's that fair thing again. Since you know your husband would be upset you think that gives you the right to be upset. Tit for tat kinda thing. At what point do you become the better person and rise above it? Make new rules? He will probably still play by the old ones for a bit to try you out but I guarantee in the end you'd both win. Someone has to push over the first domino...


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> This is the lesson it took me over a decade to get. I'm so judgemental almost to a fault. And yet I never saw it. It was always HIS fault. I of course had nothing to do with it. I was so clueless.


I'm willing to take responsibility for my part in everything. I just don't understand why it's so hard for others to do the same. 

However, I admit that I have high expectations for everyone because I have high expectations for myself. I have to stop expecting other people to do things the way I would do them.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> See there's that fair thing again. Since you know your husband would be upset you think that gives you the right to be upset. Tit for tat kinda thing. At what point do you become the better person and rise above it? Make new rules? He will probably still play by the old ones for a bit to try you out but I guarantee in the end you'd both win. Someone has to push over the first domino...


I understand that in order to have a healthy marriage I have to give up my idea of "fair" and just be the bigger person. I'm just not at the point where I like being the bigger person all the time. I'm in the "fake it till you make it" stage. I will do the right thing regardless of how I feel. I believe actions sometimes preceed feelings. If I just ACT the way I'm supposed too, hopefully one day it will become second nature and I will actually FEEL the same way.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

themrs said:


> I'm willing to take responsibility for my part in everything. I just don't understand why it's so hard for others to do the same.
> 
> However, I admit that I have high expectations for everyone because I have high expectations for myself. I have to stop expecting other people to do things the way I would do them.


Wow are we alike! Really we are. I've uttered every word you have. Every single one. The sooner you stop making this be about others the happier you will be. The only person you have power over is you. Why can't you love people because they do things they way THEY want to do it? Even if it's not up to your standards or the right way? Can you do that? 

My mantra with my own husband is that I will love him anyway whether he's up to my standards or not. This isn't about lowering my expectations it's about a choice.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

themrs said:


> I understand that in order to have a healthy marriage I have to give up my idea of "fair" and just be the bigger person. I'm just not at the point where I like being the bigger person all the time. I'm in the "fake it till you make it" stage. I will do the right thing regardless of how I feel. I believe actions sometimes preceed feelings. If I just ACT the way I'm supposed too, hopefully one day it will become second nature and I will actually FEEL the same way.


Good point. I get the fake it till you make it. Even I have days where I'm annoyed at my husband for being well a bonehead. And those days I chose to be even more loving just so's not to revert back to my angry wife ways. I remind myself that overall he's a good man and I focus on his good side to get my head back in the game. It's all mental.

And he's responding really well to all this. At first he did nothing but same old same old but he's really coming around now.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> Wow are we alike! Really we are. I've uttered every word you have. Every single one. The sooner you stop making this be about others the happier you will be. *The only person you have power over is you.* Why can't you love people because they do things they way THEY want to do it? Even if it's not up to your standards or the right way? Can you do that?
> 
> My mantra with my own husband is that I will love him anyway whether he's up to my standards or not. This isn't about lowering my expectations it's about a choice.


I know, I know. It is so true. This is about me and the way I respond to the things my husband does and says. That is the only thing I have control over and I know it. 

I totally agree with you. I'm not debating or arguing your point at all. I see what you are saying and I see how that would make my life better and husband happier. I want those things.

This isn't about changing my position as much as it is about changing my habits. It's my knee jerk reactions that I have to control. I KNOW what I should do, I just have to DO it and make a habit of it so it becomes natural.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

themrs said:


> This isn't about changing my position as much as it is about changing my habits. It's my knee jerk reactions that I have to control. I KNOW what I should do, I just have to DO it and make a habit of it so it becomes natural.


This may be off topic but do you find that you are edgy, anxious or easily irritated by the little things? Reason I ask is because there are supplements you can take. I recently read this fascinating book called this is your brain in love where he identifies what kind of partner you are and suggests ways to improve it with supplements.

I find I'm much calmer now from taking that advice. The knee jerk reactions are easier to control when I'm calm.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> This may be off topic but do you find that you are edgy, anxious or easily irritated by the little things? Reason I ask is because there are supplements you can take. I recently read this fascinating book called this is your brain in love where he identifies what kind of partner you are and suggests ways to improve it with supplements.
> 
> I find I'm much calmer now from taking that advice. The knee jerk reactions are easier to control when I'm calm.


That's interesting. Is that suppliment wine? If so, I'm already taking it. J/K


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

themrs said:


> That's interesting. Is that suppliment wine? If so, I'm already taking it. J/K


No. LOL!! I don't drink - makes me moody. Oh sure in the short term I feel good but in the long term not so much. Oh but how I miss wine and beer....sigh oh well I just have to settle for an herbal tea. I'm a type A, high strung kinda gal so I have to really watch what I consume otherwise I might just throw that plate at my husband. :rofl:


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Syrum said:


> I think women get fitness tested all the time. Both men and women do it, but I don't really like that name. I think it's just part of boundary setting.
> 
> Some men test the boundaries of a relationship, by being disrespectful, talking about other women and how hot they are. by not doing their fair share, by "forgetting" special occasions etc I could go on, but any poor behaviour from either sex usually comes from poor boundary setting, if the behaviour continues it just means they don't value you, your feelings or your relationship enough.


:iagree:

Why would "fitness testing" for men be, NOT putting up with bad behavior from their wife, while for women it would be, PUTTING UP WITH bad behavior from their husband? Sounds like a double standard. Does any man really respect a woman who will let him get away with acting like a teen-ager and doing a half-assed job? No, not any more than a woman respects a man who lets her walk all over him. But the way one responds is really the issue--rather than getting angry or upset, the woman has to shift time and energy from something he would prefer they do, to finishing up whatever has been left undone. If he's smart, he'll realize that not taking on his fair share means he loses his wife's attention, energy, and focus.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Mine tests me to see if I am an argumentative, neurotic psycho-b**** "just like his mother."

As long as I am , he gets to act like a jerk.

I demonstrate any level of personality quirk or flaw, and I am accused of being an impossible specimen of humanity.

And there is much gnashing of teeth (his).


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> I don't think of them as fitness tests. I think of them as setting the tone of the relationship. If I micromanage my husband he isn't likely to help. If I don't allow him freedom I'm controlling and nobody likes a control freak. If I tell him what to do I become his mom not his wife.
> 
> What I see now is every action, every behavior, every response towards my spouse has a consequence good or bad. If I want good consequences I need to pick good actions.


Well put!

That's exactly where I'm at now.

I've been reading the book - How One Can Bring the Two of You Together and it's been really helpful.

It talks about seeing (not agreeing) with the others POV to see both sides of an issue. 

Controlling YOUR reaction to what happens and not let your spouse set the tone of your mood and behavior.

Accepting that your spouse won't change and that you can't change them and how to change the dynamics simply from your response and tone to what happens/doesn't happen.

I've put that into practice for this week and I feel much more calm and relaxed - I don't OWN his mood - he does. Haven't had the chance to apply any response type reaction answers but looking forward to it - I've got them all figured out.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Well put!
> 
> 
> I've been reading the book - How One Can Bring the Two of You Together and it's been really helpful.


Do you like that book better than "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About it"?


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## reader27 (Apr 26, 2011)

sisters359 said:


> Why would "fitness testing" for men be, NOT putting up with bad behavior from their wife, while for women it would be, PUTTING UP WITH bad behavior from their husband? Sounds like a double standard. Does any man really respect a woman who will let him get away with acting like a teen-ager and doing a half-assed job? No, not any more than a woman respects a man who lets her walk all over him. But the way one responds is really the issue--rather than getting angry or upset, the woman has to shift time and energy from something he would prefer they do, to finishing up whatever has been left undone. If he's smart, he'll realize that not taking on his fair share means he loses his wife's attention, energy, and focus.


Actually, I think a lot of men would respect a woman who doesn't nag them all the time. The thing you have to understand is that most men follow the Law of Conservation of Criticism.

Law of Conservation of Criticism: The importance that a man will place on a woman's complaint is inversely proportional to the frequency with which she complains. If the woman complains all the time, the man will get used to it and ignore most of the complaints. If the woman seldom complains, then when she does complain he will know it is something important to her and work to fix the problem.

So complaining about every little thing he does that you aren't happy with really isn't a very good strategy. It will annoy him, and rather than making him respect you it will cause him to ignore you.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

It's about time we had this thread!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Do you like that book better than "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About it"?


For me - YES.

I have both and this one is ringing several bells and just makes more sense to me.

The part that really struck a chord with me was one of the exercises.

It had me take the sentence - We would be happy if______ and fill in the blanks.

If my husband were more affectionate.

If he was more attentive to my needs, etc.

It then had me REVERSE the sentence to read - If we were happy, my husband would be more affectionate, etc.

That really impacted me. 

People who aren't happy don't WORK on their relationships. They may make changes, some temporary, some permanent to keep the peace, etc. But the real work and commitment comes when THEY are happy and truly committed to making the relationship work.

This week I've learned I don't OWN how my husband feels. How he "feels" is not my fault or my problem to solve.

What I do OWN is my choice to not own how he feels and just control how I feel and react.

My husband has been down in the dumps and rather quiet and disconnected this week. HIS problem. I don't know why he's being that way but what I do know is it's not my fault, I didn't cause it and it's not up to me to fix it.

But I did choose this week to NOT LET his attitude create the same type of atmosphere in me. I've been kind, happy, etc., and went about my business as usual. I have "chosen" to not OWN his feelings anymore.

I got the opportunity to use another "strategy" from the book last night and it worked.

My husband made a negative comment to me about something (smell from the food I was cooking). I could have gotten defensive, it could have resulted in a fight - but I "chose" to react differently. I said to him, ____ I know your sense of smell is more sensitive than mine and I can see how this might have bothered you. I will put a can of air freshner in the kitchen so that it doesn't happen again." This validated that his POV, while I didn't agree with it, was still important (to him). I didn't dismiss it, didn't make it about me and didn't project that it was silly, minor, etc.

End of issue. He shut right up and no argument. I then continued with what I was doing, acting pleasant the entire time. I not only didn't let the negative comment "bring me down", but I reverted back to my normal behavior and stopped a potential argument right in its tracks and did it all without feeling any anger towards him.

It's not about who's right and who is wrong. It's not about I'm doing all the work and he's doing nothing. It's about recognizing that his POV isn't any more invalid than mine and that he "has" his reasons for what he does/say. I don't have to like them or agree with them, but I need to validate his POV and where they come from.

Basic human behavior - we treat people how we feel they treat us. Not necessarily what we say or do, but our tone of voice, our body language all "speak" volumes. One of us HAS to be the bigger person to get us off this merry-go-round and I am volunteering to be that person.

I'm really excited about this approach and will be giving it my best shot.

Will let you know HOW it works...


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> *Why would "fitness testing" for men be, NOT putting up with bad behavior from their wife, while for women it would be, PUTTING UP WITH bad behavior from their husband? Sounds like a double standard. *Does any man really respect a woman who will let him get away with acting like a teen-ager and doing a half-assed job? No, not any more than a woman respects a man who lets her walk all over him. But the way one responds is really the issue--rather than getting angry or upset, the woman has to shift time and energy from something he would prefer they do, to finishing up whatever has been left undone. If he's smart, he'll realize that not taking on his fair share means he loses his wife's attention, energy, and focus.


I was thinking about that all night. That is what it seems like we have to do. When you get deeper into it, it's not actually true. Using the right choice of words in a way that will best soften your husband and make him realize on his own that he was wrong isn't equal to being a pushover. It's just being the bigger person.

However, I completely understand your point and it IS a double standard.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Failed another test last night. 

Hubby fell asleep on the couch. I went to bed with the twins (7 months old). They still get up multiples times at night (maybe it just feels like that because there are two of them and they get up at different times). After I had gotten up with them twice, I went in and asked him to help me. I said, "Would you please help me with the twins?" He came in the bedroom and got right in the bed. I said, "Baby B needs a diaper." Then he said, "Why would you come and get me just to change a diaper?" 

I was fed up! I have a lot of things planned for today and I needed help so I could get SOME rest. I just said "F* it!" and changed the babies diaper myself. Then I got back in the bed and he said, "What?" I was like, "You know what, you can go back and sleep on the couch." He said, "Why are you ALWAYS pissed off?" I said, "You are exaggerating." and I turned over and went to sleep.

I could tell he wasn't sleeping because he wasn't snoring. A few minutes later he said, "Babe. Why are you acting like that babe?" I just ignored him. He knows why! Then he got up and went back in the living room. He must have been up thinking because I could hear the tv on.

In a few hours, I stumbled in the kitchen to make a bottle because another baby had started to cry. He got up and said, "Here you go Babe, I made this bottle already because I figured you'd be coming in here sooner or later." 

I said, "Thank you." I smiled at him and went back into the bedroom.

I realize that when he said, "Why did you call me in here just to change a diaper?" I should have just repeated my request or better yet just waited silently until he got up and changed the diaper. I just can't stand to hear a screaming baby and I was tired! That's no excuse and I will do better next time.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Awww sweetie those baby years are tough!! And you've got two of them to boot. Of course you will fail tests. Who can think clearly when you're sleep deprived.

Your husband sounds sweet and like he's trying he's just doesn't speak your language. I can see where he'd be confused that you woke him up just to change a diaper. And I can see why he thinks you are always pissed off. You aren't you are just very tired. You know he's on your side right?


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> Awww sweetie those baby years are tough!! And you've got two of them to boot. Of course you will fail tests. Who can think clearly when you're sleep deprived.
> 
> Your husband sounds sweet and like he's trying he's just doesn't speak your language. I can see where he'd be confused that you woke him up just to change a diaper. And I can see why he thinks you are always pissed off. You aren't you are just very tired. You know he's on your side right?


Yes. He is a very sweet man and sleep deprivation will make the nicest, calmest of women act like a shrew. I guess I shouldn't have woke him, I just really needed some HELP! He did end up helping me though, and that is all I will focus on.


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