# Exposure in person



## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

Some of you know my story. I'm talking to a lawyer today but still haven't exposed anything yet until I can get my stuff together. The OM wife I have finally found some information on her but I'm worried if I try to send a letter or email it will be intercepted by him. Word is that she cheated on him so I'm a bit nervous he may have access to her email. Any ideas on exposing in person while having proof on hand? Thanks


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Work email. It's the only way my exposure got through.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Just see her in person if that is possible that's what I would do.


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## talin (Apr 25, 2012)

The OMs wife cheated on him, now he's cheating on her with your wife? They sound like quite a couple. I wonder if she'll even care.


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

I would not believe that "the other wife also cheated on him". You see, lots of bullcrap goes around by the cheating parties to make their spouses look bad and justify their affair. It's amazing what you will hear. I'd get right to the wife directly and hand her the information and this will also, in all likelihood, kill the affair.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

theexpendable said:


> Word is that she cheated on him so I'm a bit nervous he may have access to her email. Thanks


Whos's word?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'd see her, even considering taking a female like a sister along with you so you don't seem confrontational.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

Okay guys, lawyer is highly advising against exposure as he doesn't want it to look bad on me. I want to do this so bad. Any advice?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

You've got two choices. Go against your attorney's advice and live to regret it or postpone the exposure, which really has a flavor of payback. It can turn into a Pyrrhic victory and will piss your attorney off, as it would me. If you don't have confidence in your attorney, get another. Your beef is really with Jezebel. Get rid of her and who cares about OM. He just couldn't resist the offering on the table.


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## Julien (Mar 25, 2013)

theexpendable said:


> Okay guys, lawyer is highly advising against exposure as he doesn't want it to look bad on me. I want to do this so bad. Any advice?


Get another lawyer.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

My attorney told me that by having a VAR in our car when I recorded my wife and the OM having sex was illegal. It is. But he also said that he does not know one judge who will prosecute me. Attorneys give advice and I think yours has your best interest in mind. 

What is the purpose of the exposure? If you are planning on D can you wait? It may be to your benefit to wait to expose after you file.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

If he is advising you not to expose to the OMW then I say ignore him.

Its the moral and ethical thing to do PERIOD.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Personally, I would also wreck the guy at work, with family, etc, AND expose my WW and enabling SIL to both my and her families.

I wouldn't care what my lawyer said. I don't put a price on my pride and dignity as a human being.

You go out of your way to f**k up my life, finances, etc., then I will do everything within my power to destroy yours right back AND throw your reputation as an upstanding human being in along with it.


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## talin (Apr 25, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> If he is advising you not to expose to the OMW then I say ignore him.
> 
> Its the moral and ethical thing to do PERIOD.


The guy's life is crumbling around him and you are suggesting he ignore his attorney's advice because it's the "moral and ethical thing to do".

The guy has more important issues to address in his life right now than being politically correct.

I'm curious.. those who advocate exposure because it's the "morally and ethically correct thing to do".. do these people ever break their own moral laws that they are dishing out to others? Do they volunteer to work in soup kitchens? Do they ever run a stop sign or drive over the speed limit? If they found $100 cash in a bag on the street would they try to return it to the rightful owner?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It depends on your goal.
Keep your threads together and your advice will be better.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Look, the OM prob told your wife his wife had cheated on him to make the pill of infidelity go down a little smoother, so she wouldn't feel so bad. Get it? Reverse psychology!

I would try to contact the wife via email. D on't come at her strong or negative. You need to do it like that one post I sent you showing genuine concern like: "I am just bringing this to your attention that A and B are having an affair and I know it because of XYZ. If you were already aware, ten this won't be a shock to you but if you weren't, then I am sorry to have to be the one to give you the news but felt like you should know because you are also being affected like, as I am, as our marriages are. If you want to discuss further, you can reach me at ABC."

Kapiche?


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Talin,

I respect your right to your opinion, but strongly disagree.

Its not politically correct, its just the absolute right thing to do no matter what.

If your spouse was cheating on you and the other BS knew, you know d**n well you would want that person to inform you so you were not sitting around like a clueless idiot about your own life.

If you would want it done for you, then you d**n well better step up and do it when the ball is in your court. Not just fob it off on, 'oh well, its not convenient for me to do the right thing.'

That's the attitude of a selfish individual who has moral issues themselves, despite the fact that they are victims of a horrible betrayal.

And yes, for what its worth I do live by the same code/advice I give to others. I attended the U.S. Naval Academy. There, every student had to follow an Honor Code that demanded right behavior. A single violation could get you expelled. Because there, people are taught that doing the right thing, even at personal cost, is the invariably correct action.

So by all means, you have the right to your own opinion, as well as the right to offer morally ambiguous advice to the OP. Its a free world.

But don't go around throwing passive aggressive insults and aspersions at people you don't even know simply because they hold a different code of behavior than yourself.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

I would question and find out why the lawyer is making that recommendation. Is it to make his job easier, as revealing might cause him to have to do more negotiating, or is it possibly because it opens up legal ramifications, or something totally unrelated (such as the lawyer has cheated before and sides with cheaters and does't feel that it is right to expose)? How do we know the lawyer is not recommending this for strictly moral reasons on his part and nothing legal is related to the exposure? He doesn't have to give you a reason, but you are paying him so I would query further why he is suggesting the way he is?


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## talin (Apr 25, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> That's the attitude of a selfish individual who has moral issues themselves, despite the fact that they are victims of a horrible betrayal.


Most people are selfish, most people have moral issues to some degree.



Dyokemm said:


> So by all means, you have the right to your own opinion, as well as the right to offer morally ambiguous advice to the OP. Its a free world.


And you have the right to offer advice such as "ignore the advice of your attorney and do the opposite of what your attorney is telling you to do because it's morally correct" as if that even matters.



Dyokemm said:


> But don't go around throwing passive aggressive insults and aspersions at people you don't even know simply because they hold a different code of behavior than yourself.


If I was insulting to you -I don't see it- then please accept my sincere apologies.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

talin said:


> And you have the right to offer advice such as "ignore the advice of your attorney and do the opposite of what your attorney is telling you to do because it's morally correct" as if that even matters.


Why are you making a big deal out of this as yesterday, you told me that you have no concern or respect for the law, so why would you have concern or respect for the harbingers of the law??


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## talin (Apr 25, 2012)

Squeakr said:


> as yesterday, you told me that you have no concern or respect for the law


I never said such a thing. You must be confusing me with someone else.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> You go out of your way to f**k up my life, finances, etc., then I will do everything within my power to destroy yours right back AND throw your reputation as an upstanding human being in along with it.


I can see where you're coming from and understand you taking this position. My question is do you inflict the same pain on the WS. After all, the W/S made the the decision to lay down with the O/M and likely led the guy on. It can easily be interpreted that you believe the "other" should be held more responsible than the W/S.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

talin said:


> I never said such a thing. You must be confusing me with someone else.


I apologize if I am confusing you with someone else, but did you not say that you dated separated women and didn't care about the legality of Divorce as the courts were slow and their jurisdiction meant nothing to you as long as they said they were separated that was good enough for you?


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## talin (Apr 25, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> I can see where you're coming from and understand you taking this position. My question is do you inflict the same pain on the WS. After all, the W/S made the the decision to lay down with the O/M and likely led the guy on. It can easily be interpreted that you believe the "other" should be held more responsible than the W/S.


You will see a lot of that on here. About how the OM/OW is to blame and they deserve to be ruined or whatever.

I agree with your thoughts on this matter. They are not the one breaking the marital vows, they don't know the whole story, they could have been lied to and told anything.


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## talin (Apr 25, 2012)

Squeakr said:


> I apologize if I am confusing you with someone else, but did you not say that you dated separated women and didn't care about the legality of Divorce as the courts were slow and their jurisdiction meant nothing to you as long as they said they were separated that was good enough for you?


Yes I did say that i date women who state that they are separated and divorcing and who do not live with their soon to be ex spouse.

Not sure where you got from that post- that I have no concern or respect for the law.

I am not breaking any laws by dating separated and divorcing women. At least not in my state.

You could correctly infer that I have little to no respect for the "court system that handles divorce" - it's been my experience that it's slow, unpredictable, unfair, biased, and probably even corrupt to some extent.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Talin,

To rhetorically ask if people actually follow the moral advice they give others is to imply that they are hypocritical liars. But is is a passive aggressive way to address it. If you want to make that claim about me, then by all means say it. But at least do it openly and give a reason why you are making the accusation.

But anyway, its certainly not enough to cause any hostility or dislike between us. I think we just have very different views on this, and personally I welcome the fact that we all have individual and often contrary views. It forces one to confront and challenge their own beliefs/opinions and that is how one grows.

On the attorney angle. I have dealt with many in my life. The primary concern I noticed with all of them was actually having a smoother easier job for themselves.

They just want to show up, file some papers, make a couple of statements/declarations, and then go collect your check.

Of course they are going to tell you to keep the waters calm, makes their job easier.

Doesn't matter to them if you have to choke on your own dignity to give them smooth sailing.

Remember, theexpendable said in an earlier post he WANTED to expose but the lawyer said don't stir things up. The above statements are my opinion why.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

The Pheonix,

Yes, on the WW spouse too. Notice I did tell him to expose WW and enabling SIL as well, especially to their families.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

Reason the lawyer said that is because I'm going for joint primary custody of my son. Guess he thinks it could hurt our case.


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## talin (Apr 25, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> Talin,
> 
> To rhetorically ask if people actually follow the moral advice they give others is to imply that they are hypocritical liars.


Well hypocritical for sure, but not necessarily "liars".



Dyokemm said:


> If you want to make that claim about me, then by all means say it. But at least do it openly and give a reason why you are making the accusation.


I have no way of knowing how moral you are. For all I know you practice everything you preach. It's been my experience that human beings by their very nature are not all that moral and are very hypocritical.




Dyokemm said:


> But anyway, its certainly not enough to cause any hostility or dislike between us. I think we just have very different views on this, and personally I welcome the fact that we all have individual and often contrary views.


I agree and I enjoy the back and forth dialogue. 




Dyokemm said:


> On the attorney angle. I have dealt with many in my life. The primary concern I noticed with all of them was actually having a smoother easier job for themselves. They just want to show up, file some papers, make a couple of statements/declarations, and then go collect your check.


I have dealt with lots of attorneys in the past 6 years related to my divorce. It's my feeling that they want to do as little work as possible, make as much money as possible and win cases so they get more referrals and make even more money. If an attorney is giving advice, I believe it's in the clients best interests which is ultimately the attorneys best interests- a satisfactory outcome and a happy client.



Dyokemm said:


> Remember, theexpendable said in an earlier post he WANTED to expose but the lawyer said don't stir things up. The above statements are my opinion why.


Yes I know he wanted to expose and is being urged to expose by many posters. I am not a big fan of exposure if a divorce is pending- I think it's a last ditch kamikaze effort by a desperate betrayed partner trying to get their partner out of the "affair fog" by disrupting the affair. I have read where it can work- and the two partners can reconcile and live happily ever after- with the betrayed spouse always looking over their shoulder waiting for the next D-day- but such successful post affair reconciliations are the exception not the rule.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

You said you had no value for the courts and laws they have regarding divorce and would do what you wanted.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Talin, 

I understand your point about it being a last ditch effort.

I know this probably makes me different from a lot of people, but I would expose just because of my dignity. If a person does me wrong, I will not just quietly stew on it under any circumstances.

I do not do these things to others and I will not tolerate them being done to me.

And, as I told The Phoenix earlier, I believe both AP's must be exposed and dealt with. Not just the OM/OW.

But that's me. In my life, I've seen too many people swallow their pride and quietly accept/deal with other people's horrible actions towards them. Basically playing the role of doormat.

My own grandfather raised my grandmother's child from an affair. I just simply cannot and will not do that.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

theexpendable said:


> Reason the lawyer said that is because I'm going for joint primary custody of my son. Guess he thinks it could hurt our case.


I don't know why that would make a difference. You would just be doing the right thing by letting the omw know. Wouldn't you like to know if it was the other way around?


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Talin,

And I agree with you about the work habits and goals of attorneys, at least the ones I've dealt with.

Don't know if I would agree its always in the client's best interest though.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

tom67 said:


> I don't know why that would make a difference. You would just be doing the right thing by letting the omw know. Wouldn't you like to know if it was the other way around?


I think he thinks that it could me look vengeful or like an instigator of some sort. His words were, 'how would exposing this to the OM wife be beneficial to getting custody of your son?"


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Typical lawyer in my experience. Always looking for the expedient thing to do instead of the right thing.

And people wonder why there is no justice in the court system.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

A quick question. Does getting served divorce papers ever knock some since into the WS where they come out of the fog?


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

And it won't make a bit of difference in the custody hearing.

He just might have to work more if she tries some stupid drama motions on custody that will ultimately fail because you exposing this POS has absolutely no bearing on your fitness as a father.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

the expendable,

It can in some cases. 

Also, blowing up Fantasyland at the same time by exposing this POS, which will almost certainly lead him to throw your wife under the bus to save his own a** at home and work, will help shock her back to reality as well.

Especially when combined with D papers.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

theexpendable said:


> A quick question. Does getting served divorce papers ever knock some since into the WS where they come out of the fog?


Yes.

Not one poster has ever come here and said they wished they had not exposed to the OMW. Not one. The lawyer makes no money if you do not get a divorce. He has a point if you are determined to divorce her. However, if you did not know your wife was cheating would you want the OMW to let you know?

ON the other hand, when the OM tells his AP his wife has been cheating that always turns out to be a lie. Your wife may also lie to keep the OMW from knowing, that happens all the time.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Besides, how would that be vindictive on your wife? It is helping another human being out, the OMW. He decided to cheat, what did he expect. The only reason not to expose is so that he can have two women.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Do what you want but I would let her know what she does after that is up to her but that is just me.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

Thanks guys. What do you think will transpire between my wife and OM once she gets served and I haven't exposed him yet to his wife? Do you think my wife is going to get pissed at him since her life is falling apart while he's still got his family for now? I'm nervous as hell but ready to get this show on the road.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

There is no telling, we have seen every kind of reaction. I like the crying, snot slinging reaction the best. Some are as cold as an old dead fish. Exposure makes sure they both carry the load they tried to pawn off on someone else.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

No, I don't think she will get pissed at him.

He will safely sit there and commiserate with her about what an a**hole you are to her. It will be one giant drama conspiracy moment for them where they will demonstrate their true love and support for each other in these trying times.

Of course, he'll just be sitting there all peaceful and empathetic because he will have no s**tstorm thundering down on his life because you won't have exposed his scumbag behind.

She might get angry at him though if you expose and he throws her under the bus to his W, friends, co-workers, and family in a desperate attempt to save himself.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

theexpendable said:


> Thanks guys. What do you think will transpire between my wife and OM once she gets served and I haven't exposed him yet to his wife? Do you think my wife is going to get pissed at him since her life is falling apart while he's still got his family for now? I'm nervous as hell but ready to get this show on the road.


Hey remember she left you no choice but to file. Take your time and observe her-actions not words to see if she really is remorseful.


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## talin (Apr 25, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> But that's me. In my life, I've seen too many people swallow their pride and quietly accept/deal with other people's horrible actions towards them. Basically playing the role of doormat.


I get your point, I understand your position but I don't agree that a betrayed spouse who files for divorce and walks away from the cheater is being a doormat- I think that they have maintained their pride and dignity by quietly and decisively moving on with their life and not dealing with their ex and doing all this revengeful stuff in order to get even or whatever.

The doormat is the betrayed spouse who tries desperately to get the cheater back, even to the point where they allow the affair to go on, and they wait for it to hopefully end.



Squeakr said:


> You said you had no value for the courts and laws they have regarding divorce and would do what you wanted.


Well, not exactly but I guess that's close enough.



chapparal said:


> The lawyer makes no money if you do not get a divorce.


What??


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Talin,

I agree with you on the BS who walks/divorces maintaining their dignity as well. 

I would even say that a BS who imposes harsh consequences on his/her WS that prove to them that there is true remorse, and therefore proceeds with R, has also retained their dignity.

I do not mean to imply that dignity is some objective thing that can be measured.

What I was addressing were people who betray THEIR OWN sense of dignity, morals, and justice in order to adapt to a situation. That is being a doormat.

I tend to be a little bit of a retaliatory person to those who have done me wrong, particularly if they are unrepentant. 

That does not mean everyone else in the world would have to follow my path to have 'true' dignity. They just need to be true to themselves.

the expendable WANTS to expose. If he doesn't, then he is betraying his own sense of self-respect for some expediency his attorney is feeding him, probably because it makes said attorney's job easier.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Are you in a no fault state?


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> Are you in a no fault state?


yes


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## talin (Apr 25, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> the expendable WANTS to expose. If he doesn't, then he is betraying his own sense of self-respect for some expediency his attorney is feeding him, probably because it makes said attorney's job easier.


Ok. Makes sense.

But I maintain he should follow his attorney's advice.

For now. Or at least ask the attorney why he is giving that sort of advice and then decide if it has merit.

He can always expose later.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

lewmin said:


> I would not believe that "the other wife also cheated on him". You see, lots of bullcrap goes around by the cheating parties to make their spouses look bad and justify their affair. It's amazing what you will hear. I'd get right to the wife directly and hand her the information and this will also, in all likelihood, kill the affair.


Right on. Sometimes I was frigid :-o and other times I had so many I couldn't count...including that guy I met at the dog park right in full view of my town's major commuting route. :rofl:

You wouldn't believe how many women fall for a story about a "nice guy" whose wife is either "disinterested in sex" or "cheating". Can we say "sympathy f*ck?"


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Talin,

I agree. Asking the attorney to explain his legal rationale would not hurt.

If the rationale simply boils down to it will be more time consuming because of frivolous drama, AND OP still WANTS to expose for his own sense of dignity, then I think he should expose away REGARDLESS of what attorney thinks.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

theexpendable said:


> I think he thinks that it could me look vengeful or like an instigator of some sort. His words were, 'how would exposing this to the OM wife be beneficial to getting custody of your son?"


 Please understand the the lawyer is single minded on pushing through with divorce with as little work for him as possible. Exposure may make him have to do a little more work in explaining why you exposed, but in the end no one will not give you custody because you tried to defend your marraige. Also, exposure may induce the other man (OM) to throw your wife under the bus, which might drop your wife out of the affair fog and get her to fight for the marriage. You and your wife reconciling, means less money that you pay to the lawyer. They got to eat.


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## talin (Apr 25, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> Talin,
> 
> I agree. Asking the attorney to explain his legal rationale would not hurt.
> 
> If the rationale simply boils down to it will be more time consuming because of frivolous drama, AND OP still WANTS to expose for his own sense of dignity, then I think he should expose away REGARDLESS of what attorney thinks.


Nothing wrong with that- just remember that if the conflict escalates due to the frivolous drama, more attorney time can mean a lot more money. Hope it's worth it.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Only the expendable can answer that question.

After all, he is the one who will have to live with the circumstances.

Either he will swallow his desire for justice in favor of the attorney's advice to maintain a smooth process, and possibly beat himself up for the rest of his life for not doing what he wanted to do and what felt right to him, OR he will risk extra cash by taking those actions for his own peace of mind.

I would just say, as my personal viewpoint, one can always make more money, however you can NEVER return to a previous point of time in life and remake a decision that bothers you because you feel you failed to maintain your own principles.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

There are so many posters that did not expose and totally regreted it. None I have seen that exposed and regreted it. For one thing it stops some of the lying and puts the cheaters on their backfoot wipes that cheating smile off their face. It seems to always help the BS when the affair is known to everyone and especially when the om takes to the hills behind his wifes skirt. Just sayin, for me helping them hide it is just the beta behavior that got so many men in trouble in the first place.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If your goal is divorce, then listen to your attorney who you hired to execute a divorce.

If your goal is reconcilliation, and you want to kill the affair, and are using divorce filing as a tactic to get your marriage back, then expose the affiar far and wide in order to help break it.


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

expendable....

I do not know why you are getting conflicting comments on whether to expose. Take this from other posters here....including myself who lived through your hell...I did not know whether I was going to divorce or not, and I was stupid enough not to fully expose for about 5 weeks after I found out. (I hadn't found TAM yet either).

Well when I did provide full proof to the other man's wife, the world came completely crashing down on the affair partner and my wife. The joke in the community (this broke 6 months ago) is that the other man is "under house arrest by his wife". So he is living through hell, I suppose.

You will expose, and you will get a sense of relief when you do. We are looking forward to that moment here on TAM...hopefully very very soon if not today!

Who knows or cares what the reaction will be?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

lewmin said:


> Well when I did provide full proof to the other man's wife, the world came completely crashing down on the affair partner and my wife. The joke in the community (this broke 6 months ago) is that the other man is "under house arrest by his wife". So he is living through hell, I suppose.


Don't let this drive you, as in this case, the OM is just living with what he has accepted to live with at the time. No one really knows what is happening in that household, yet the competitive masculine ego has created this ideal of house arrest and a life of hell to be able to mark an x in the win column. The only truth is that this OM is doing what he and his wife feel is right to repair and protect their marriage. He has proven that he has his own mind and would probably leave if he felt that what he was being subjected to was unfair.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Lawyers are entirely about walking your case through the legal process of legally ending the marriage. They are not your buddy, friend, confident, mental health agent, or anything else.


- they advise about keeping drama low because it makes their job easier. So they often don't like exposure because it can cause drama that they have to work around.

- they will advise you against doing things which are technically illegal, like using vars in some situations because that is their job - to give you legal advise, and they can get reprimanded or disbarred for not warning you.


Lawyers are tools to use by you. You set the goals, the lawyer proves input and fills out forms.

I say exposé.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Lawyers are tools


 That right there LOL!!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

theexpendable said:


> A quick question. Does getting served divorce papers ever knock some since into the WS where they come out of the fog?


In my case I believe it does, though I did not get to the point of filing for D. I wrote my wife a letter stating that I am going to D her. Due to the nature of my wife's A she never ended her A in 2011. Some in her family, my sons and myself believed she ended it and was seeing several other men, that she was randomly hooking up with other men. What we were thinking my wfie was doing was wrong but that is what we thought. When i started the D paperwork my wife started to see her life crumble. She was telling the OM that her family thinks she is a big slu*, a whor* , thinking she is sleeping around with several different guys and he gets to go home to his family and they know nothing and thinks that he ended the A in 2011. She was complaining to the OM that her life is ruined, she has no money, no future and she was getting very irritated with him.

At this point I still did not know she had continued the A with the OM from 2011 but starting the D did start to bring my wife out of her fog. Once she finally confessed and I exposed it I believe that this time it ended it.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I think it is about respect. Obviously, your wife and the other man think you are pathetic. What about everyone else? Some other people are bound to know and others will also find out. Do you want them to think all you managed to do was pat her on the back and divorce? If it were me, I would be thinking Sherman's march to the sea. When the OM looked at another woman, he would get the shivers about what happened to him the last time.

Whatever you do, if you find another girlfriend, do not let her know you are the kind of guy that lets the POSOM slide.


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## talin (Apr 25, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Obviously, your wife and the other man think you are pathetic.


Doubt it. They probably just don't care about what he is or what he thinks, they're only interested in each other. 



chapparal said:


> What about everyone else? Some other people are bound to know and others will also find out. Do you want them to think all you managed to do was pat her on the back and divorce?


Nice jab throwing in that he's in some way "patting her on the back". Leave that part out and you've got "all he managed to do was divorce her". That's plenty.



chapparal said:


> Whatever you do, if you find another girlfriend, do not let her know you are the kind of guy that lets the POSOM slide.


Right. Just tell any new girlfriends (or anyone else who asks) that your wife cheated so you divorced her. Again, that's more than sufficient.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> She was complaining to the OM that her life is ruined, she has no money, no future and she was getting very irritated with him.
> 
> At this point I still did not know she had continued the A with the OM from 2011 but starting the D did start to bring my wife out of her fog. Once she finally confessed and I exposed it I believe that this time it ended it.


Are you saying she went back to you because none of her other boyfriends wanted her and she'd wound up on skidrow? If my wife pulled anything close to that kind of crap, I'd want her to say in "the fog" until I could get rid of her. (unless she won the Powerball and gave me half)


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

talin said:


> Doubt it. They probably just don't care about what he is or what he thinks, they're only interested in each other.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

talin said:


> Doubt it. They probably just don't care about what he is or what he thinks, they're only interested in each other.


Most people who continue to cheat on their spouse along with the other person do think their spouse who tolerates it is pathetic.


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## talin (Apr 25, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Most people who continue to cheat on their spouse along with the other person do think their spouse who tolerates it is pathetic.


Ok I guess I can see that.

They probably think "I can't believe he or she puts up with all this crap and doesn't leave me!". Which of course perpetuates and worsens the cheating behavior as the last bits of respect for the betrayed spouse go right out the window.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Exactly! That is the mindset. 

People who keep putting up with mistreatment do not earn any "respect" points by those are doing them wrong. Hence, the viewpoint that said person is pathetic.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Most people who continue to cheat on their spouse along with the other person do think their spouse who tolerates it is pathetic.


The same feelings apply towards the spouse that doesn't know and the one that doesn't accept it as well as the friends who don't accept or approve. They just build a bond based around the hatred they have formed. Everyone but them is ini the wrong in some way, they are the only ones that are right!.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

UPDATE: I filed and she has been served. Tried to talk to her to see if she had any remorse whatsoever but she doesn't. She's just cold and numb and won't talk or admit anything. So I'm officially done and headed to D-ville.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Sorry man things ended this way.
Keep detaching from her and focus solely on your journey.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Did you also expose the OM?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

theexpendable said:


> UPDATE: I filed and she has been served. Tried to talk to her to see if she had any remorse whatsoever but she doesn't. She's just cold and numb and won't talk or admit anything. So I'm officially done and headed to D-ville.


Sorry bro she left you no choice. Now let the omw know.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Yes expose this POS. He helped to ruin your life with your W. Its only just that he suffer the same. 

You two will both be suffering pain and regret as you try to move on now. Both of your lives have been turned upside down. 

The only person who has yet to feel any consequences for this yet is that piece of trash.


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

I truly believe your wife's reaction to this as not being remorseful is that the burden has been lifted also for her and she really still believes she and the OM are planning to run off together. The OM probably told her so and they planned how they were going to leave their respective marriages, etc. Now that may happen, but I really doubt it.

Well, after you fully expose, (do it now!) the OM will likely be running back to his wife full-time and drop your soon to be ex-wife like a sack of potatoes. He may tell your wife that he needs more time, etc. 

So your wife will be dumped by two guys (you and the OM) and eventually come out of her fog and realize what a screwup she was. 

You tried, so now you leave with dignity.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Tell both sides of the family just very matter of fact and that you are sorry it has come to this. Maybe her side might knock some sense into her though I would not expect it but stranger things have happened. If you show the strength that you can move on that makes you look more attractive for sure.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

Yes the exposure is in process. I just couldn't live with myself without exposing. I'm afraid it is going to get ugly in the courtroom. She says it won't but I don't believe anything she says.

Hey I tried to R and see if she might snap out of it but she's just too far gone and disconnected. It's out of my hands now.


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

Make sure the wife of the OM definitely gets the information you have. As crappy as you have been feeling, there will be a great sense of empowerment to you. This guy's life will soon be a living hell. 

In my case, even 6 months later, I sometimes wonder how the OM can downplay to his own wife all these high-school love letters, poems, songs, etc he wrote to my wife. Of course, I gave the other wife all the ammo she needed to completely pulverize him. Wish I could have been there for that confrontation!


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

Okay guys and gals. D is almost final. Lawyer had put me on hold with exposure since we were going to be in a custody battle but I exposed to his wife but that has done nothing. They are still together presently but he has hinted to separating several times. So I have been stewing all summer and still have the urge to make him feel a smidgin of what I've felt and how he ruined my life.

So the plan is to email all his coworkers and outline the affair that started at his workplace. I'll also be notifying his immediate family about the A as well. I think the two of them are just laying low right now but I don't really care anymore but would like him to face some consequences. Karma is too slow. Is it wrong to still feel this way?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

theexpendable said:


> Is it wrong to still feel this way?


NO


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Lawyers all say do not expose because they to not want to work hard for their money.

They are experts on divorce. They do not care about fighting affairs or recovering marriages. For there is no money in it for them.

Expose today.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Did you put him on cheaterville.com and send him the link? That's the only fun part of a mess like this. Send your wife the link too.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

theexpendable said:


> Okay guys and gals. D is almost final. Lawyer had put me on hold with exposure since we were going to be in a custody battle but I exposed to his wife but that has done nothing. They are still together presently but he has hinted to separating several times. So I have been stewing all summer and still have the urge to make him feel a smidgin of what I've felt and how he ruined my life.
> 
> So the plan is to email all his coworkers and outline the affair that started at his workplace. I'll also be notifying his immediate family about the A as well. I think the two of them are just laying low right now but I don't really care anymore but would like him to face some consequences. Karma is too slow. Is it wrong to still feel this way?


Good do it!


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

I agree with Dyokemm: why not embarrass the love birds a little bit ? they deserve it. Let everyone know, although, not many will give a sheet.

But I also agree with Talin: the lawyer knows what he's talking about better than the posters here do. So if he advises on postponing exposure, listen to him. It's not about the moral code, but about coming out legally as good as possible of this divorce.
And I also agree about the hypocrisy of people who advocate so hard doing the right thing, all cheaters deserve the worst, etc, etc... I'm not at all convinced, where are all these "saints" in real life? Anyone can type anything on here to make impression.

And my thoughts...yes exposure is great if you want by all means to keep the WS. But they'll only come back because they will be dumped and thrown under the bus by the AP. So do you want to be their plan B, take back AP's left over? If a WS doesn't come back on their own on D-day, when faced with an ultimatum, they are not worth keeping. Expose or not. If so, do it for revenge, when the time is right. My opinion.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"Is it wrong to still feel this way?"

No. 

From the things you have written I think you and I share a similar view about revenge on those who wrong us without cause.

Be true to yourself.

Absolutely destroy this POS.

Leave him crying in the tatters of HIS life.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Hortensia said:


> I agree with Dyokemm: why not embarrass the love birds a little bit ? they deserve it. Let everyone know, although, not many will give a sheet.
> 
> But I also agree with Talin: the lawyer knows what he's talking about better than the posters here do. So if he advises on postponing exposure, listen to him. It's not about the moral code, but about coming out legally as good as possible of this divorce.
> And I also agree about the hypocrisy of people who advocate so hard doing the right thing, all cheaters deserve the worst, etc, etc... I'm not at all convinced, where are all these "saints" in real life? Anyone can type anything on here to make impression.
> ...


I agree with all of this except the last part. Why does it always have to be about being plan B? Isn't someone the AP's left over even if the WS comes back after D-Day? As D-Day is nothing more than exposure so why the differentiation between the two and if they come back then you aren't plan B but if it happens later then you are? Also why is the AP never viewed to be getting the left overs from the BS but always to be getting something new and fresh but it never seem to work the opposite way?? I ask this, as aren't we all only really getting left overs unless we were their first??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Is it better to be plan b than to be plan zero?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Expose today.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Did you put him on cheaterville.com and send him the link? That's the only fun part of a mess like this. Send your wife the link too.


No, I held off on all exposure except his wife until this D is finalized which should be very soon. I might just do that for good measure. 

Getting the WS back is not my intention and it won't work at this point. She has had plenty of opportunities to make things right but won't even admit to herself what she's done. She will be severely pissed when she finds out as she knows all of these people too. This is entirely for calling him out for the scumbag he is and everybody thinking he's think great guy/family man/christian/involved in the community etc. There are consequences for cheating and ruining lives. I'm tired of fighting that urge to open the flood gates. I have been disrespected and betrayed on the worst level and they should have hell to pay. Once I hear back from my lawyer that it's a done deal then I will prepare and send the payload. I just hope my lawyer is right in that nothing can come back on me legally as long as I'm not lying. I kind of would like another opinion in case him or his employer could take any legal action on me


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

:rofl:


theexpendable said:


> No, I held off on all exposure except his wife until this D is finalized which should be very soon. I might just do that for good measure.




You will not get WW back because you are to scared to expose her. So WW gets mad that you exposed her affair.

News Flash #1 WW is already mad at you know that is why she is banging the OM.

News Flash #2 There is no need to fear making WW any madder then she already is because there is no way she can top disrespecting you because she is already banging the OM.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

:rofl:


theexpendable said:


> No, I held off on all exposure except his wife until this D is finalized which should be very soon. I might just do that for good measure.




You will not get WW back because you are to scared to expose her. So WW gets mad that you exposed her affair.

News Flash #1 WW is already mad at you now that is why she is banging the OM.

News Flash #2 There is no need to fear making WW any madder then she already is because there is no way she can top disrespecting you because she is already banging the OM.

As to exposing after the divorce is final is pointless. No one will care they will say the marriage died.

Exposure is not about revenge. Exposure is a tool to kill affairs. So save your breath. You will be way more then a dollar short and a day late.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

I disagree about it being pointless after the D is final. I know for a fact this guy cares more about his reputation than anything else. It's a small town so reputation is everything. Even if he feels embarassment or shame for 5 minutes after finding out that his entire workplace, friends, and family know what he's been doing for the last two years behind his wife and kids back will be worth it. As I said killing the affair for R is of no value to me at this point although I'm sure most BS's will agree they want the affair to blow up and for them to be miserable.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm from a small town. Its almost certain other people know. They think you are just being a fool. When I was a kid there were three men in our small town being cuckolded. Even the kids new about it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

theexpendable said:


> So the plan is to email all his coworkers and outline the affair that started at his workplace. I'll also be notifying his immediate family about the A as well. I think the two of them are just laying low right now but I don't really care anymore but would like him to face some consequences. Karma is too slow. Is it wrong to still feel this way?


Is the affair on-going?


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## jay_gatsby (Jun 4, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> I'm from a small town. Its almost certain other people know. They think you are just being a fool. When I was a kid there were three men in our small town being cuckolded. Even the kids new about it.


Chaparral, I respect you. You have been here a long time and I'm sure you have seen many posters expose and not expose. In your time here, have you seen any exposures that did not work? Or even back fire on the BS? The common belief is that no one ever regrets exposing, only not exposing. Have you seen any that have regrets on exposing? And why did it go wrong for them?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

jay_gatsby said:


> Chaparral, I respect you. You have been here a long time and I'm sure you have seen many posters expose and not expose. In your time here, have you seen any exposures that did not work? Or even back fire on the BS? The common belief is that no one ever regrets exposing, only not exposing. Have you seen any that have regrets on exposing? And why did it go wrong for them?


I have not seen a problem with exposure yet I can't speak for chap though. If you are the breadwinner you are going to pay to whatever extent but how much is your self respect worth?


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## jay_gatsby (Jun 4, 2013)

tom67 said:


> I have not seen a problem with exposure yet I can't speak for chap though. If you are the breadwinner you are going to pay to whatever extent but how much is your self respect worth?


Even if it means more $$ in spousal support related to exposure like WS losing a job? I guess your statement about worth and self respect would be deciding factor. I can't believe that there are not situations out there where exposure has caused the BS more $ than satisfaction.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

jay_gatsby said:


> Even if it means more $$ in spousal support related to exposure like WS losing a job? I guess your statement about worth and self respect would be deciding factor. I can't believe that there are not situations out there where exposure has caused the BS more $ than satisfaction.


One has to make an informed decision more times than not at least concerning this forum specifically I have not seen exposing a detriment. Take that for what it's worth.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Is the affair on-going?


Not sure but figure it still is. It had been on-going for a year and a half when I found out. We've been separated for 3 months now therefore we don't really talk other than kids and I don't spy any more. From what I know of the guy he's too much of a wuss to break things off with either the wife or my STBXW. He's probably just too scared to make a decision and lying to buy more time. He's the type that wants to make everybody happy and doesn't want people to look down on him.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> I'm from a small town. Its almost certain other people know. They think you are just being a fool. When I was a kid there were three men in our small town being cuckolded. Even the kids new about it.


I honestly don't think that many know at least when it was going on prior to D day. They were extemely underground about it. Some of our friends said they suspected she was getting involved with someone by her phone habits when she was out with them but never had any proof. Since I found out I told some friends that live in that small town where he works and I'm sure they have told other people so it might have spread a good bit already.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

theexpendable,

Blow this POS up entirely and do so right away.

From your description, it sounds like he will scramble to run back to his BW, in the process throwing your WW under the bus.

The humiliation of being openly dumped by two men at the same time will be a fitting consequence for your lying and treacherous WW.

And the pain and humiliation this slimy s**tbag, who helped to destroy a stranger's life, will feel as his life crumbles will be fun to watch too.

I have yet to read a thread here where an OP ever regretted exposure. 

In fact, some who do delay it for a time are shocked at the impact it has on the situation when they finally do it, and end up kicking themselves that they didn't take the step earlier.

It's true that in some cases it doesn't make much difference, but I have yet to see one where the OP regretted doing it or it led to a worse divorce/separation for them.

And your situation sounds like it is primed for exposure and the fallout it will bring.

Make both your WW and this POS face the music for what they have done to your M and his family.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

theexpendable said:


> I disagree about it being pointless after the D is final. I know for a fact this guy cares more about his reputation than anything else. It's a small town so reputation is everything. Even if he feels embarassment or shame for 5 minutes after finding out that his entire workplace, friends, and family know what he's been doing for the last two years behind his wife and kids back will be worth it. As I said killing the affair for R is of no value to me at this point although I'm sure most BS's will agree they want the affair to blow up and for them to be miserable.


People are not going to care because the marriage is dead the divorce is final.

Then the exposure becomes he said she said. WW can say I met the OM after the divorce. Or she can say her husbands numerous affairs finally drove her to find another man.

WW's are the worlds best spin doctors.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

theexpendable said:


> Okay guys and gals. D is almost final. Lawyer had put me on hold with exposure since we were going to be in a custody battle but I exposed to his wife but that has done nothing. They are still together presently but he has hinted to separating several times. So I have been stewing all summer and still have the urge to make him feel a smidgin of what I've felt and how he ruined my life.


You don't know if your WW and he are still in contact but you know what he's doing with his wife?How do you know that he has hinted at separating several times? Where are you getting your info on him? How reliable is it?



theexpendable said:


> So the plan is to email all his coworkers and outline the affair that started at his workplace. I'll also be notifying his immediate family about the A as well. I think the two of them are just laying low right now but I don't really care anymore but would like him to face some consequences. Karma is too slow. Is it wrong to still feel this way?


His co-workers are not going to care about your drama. It will most likely turn them against you as they do not want to be involved. However his employer might care and he might lose his job. Then you have punished his BS and children (if he has any). He might never find another good position. Shoot his BS could end up paying him child support and spousal support.

Expose to his wife and family only. They are the only ones who care. Then let his wife do whatever she will do. It’s her choice of what she wants to do in her marriage.

If you broadcast this drama it might not end very well for you.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

jay_gatsby said:


> Chaparral, I respect you. You have been here a long time and I'm sure you have seen many posters expose and not expose. In your time here, have you seen any exposures that did not work? Or even back fire on the BS? The common belief is that no one ever regrets exposing, only not exposing. Have you seen any that have regrets on exposing? And why did it go wrong for them?


Not every marriage can be saved. You ever hear of the Walk Away Wife. That is a WW that once she has an affair she leaves her BH and will never go back. She may dump her OM. Though she will just then find a new man to marry.

So there have been some times when exposure has not saved a marriage.

Though there never has been a time when exposure cause the marriage to end. The affair already did that. Just that prior to dday the WW was not ready to leave the marriage.

Though there has been no tool as effective as exposure to kill and affair.

Exposure will not work when you use it as a threat. In as, WW you do not stop the affair I will expose. For all that does is cause the WW and AP to hide the affair and plan on how to deny the affair.

So never tip you plans to expose the WW affair. Just do it. Just as important is to expose completely in one day. Trickle exposure never works.

Exposure does not guarantee immediate results. It has caused affairs to end on that day and take months before the WW crumbles to the pressure of exposure.

The longer the length of the affair the long it can exposure to work.

Yet BH's fear using exposure because they think their WW will really get mad at them.

So I ask if the WW gets really mad at their BH how are they going to up the punishment? As how can she be madder at her BH by disrespecting him by having an affair.

The WW is already are banging the OM.

So is the WW now going to bang the OM extra good?


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You don't know if your WW and he are still in contact but you know what he's doing with his wife?How do you know that he has hinted at separating several times? Where are you getting your info on him? How reliable is it?
> 
> 
> His co-workers are not going to care about your drama. It will most likely turn them against you as they do not want to be involved. However his employer might care and he might lose his job. Then you have punished his BS and children (if he has any). He might never find another good position. Shoot his BS could end up paying him child support and spousal support.
> ...


The OP did not cause the OM to lose his job. The OM's actions would of caused him to lose his job. The OM was not forced to have an affair. The OM chose to have an affair.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

theroad said:


> The OP did not cause the OM to lose his job. The OM's actions would of caused him to lose his job. The OM was not forced to have an affair. The OM chose to have an affair.


I disagree. If he exposes the OM at work, it can cause him to lose his job. Thus causing hardship to his BS and children.

Personally I'd rather seem him divorced and paying child support and alimony by the bucket load. That way at least his family does not suffer in poverty.

People here have different opinions. Get used to it. It's ok for me to have a different opinion than you do. It's even good for the OP to hear different opinions... go figure.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You don't know if your WW and he are still in contact but you know what he's doing with his wife?How do you know that he has hinted at separating several times? Where are you getting your info on him? How reliable is it?


Every couple weeks I send an email to his wife to ask how things are going between them. Basically tried to establish a partner to put a timeline together and compare notes. Neither one of them really seem to want to be the bad guy and leave the marriage. That's the part I struggle with. Part of me thinks it will just deteriorate on it's own as he will never leave his wife and kids. Then I have that revenge side that doesn't want him to get off the hook without facing what he's done publicly.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I disagree. If he exposes the OM at work, it can cause him to lose his job. Thus causing hardship to his BS and children.
> 
> Personally I'd rather seem him divorced and paying child support and alimony by the bucket load. That way at least his family does not suffer in poverty.
> 
> People here have different opinions. Get used to it. It's ok for me to have a different opinion than you do. It's even good for the OP to hear different opinions... go figure.


Fact not opinion. Get used to it.

The BH is a witness to a crime. The assault on his family and marriage. he is testifying the truth.

The BH is not different then is he saw a person rob a bank and he was to testify to what happened. His testimony did not put the bank robber in jail the bank robbers actions cause the punishment.

Just the way the OM will be punished by his own actions.

But you would not have a witness to a crime testify because the criminal will go to jail and his wife and kids will be hurt.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

jay_gatsby said:


> Chaparral, I respect you. You have been here a long time and I'm sure you have seen many posters expose and not expose. In your time here, have you seen any exposures that did not work? Or even back fire on the BS? The common belief is that no one ever regrets exposing, only not exposing. Have you seen any that have regrets on exposing? And why did it go wrong for them?


Disenchanted seems to regret it though he doesn't really explain why. His ww is nonrepentent but oddly the posom called to apologize.

Those that say they will expose post divorce don't seem to get around to it or forget to tell us. I think exposure/non exposure tells more about the betrayed than anything. Oddly, all lawyers always say do not do it. Follow the money, they are no richer if there is no divorce.

Look at arbitrator's case, it seems like it has gone on for years. She just keeps punching and he just keeps backing up. She even wants him to make her beneficiary on a life insurance policy. She's rich. He's broke.

Those that expose take control of their lives and refuse to be walked on. The others just roll over. It certainly shows up on which ones successfully move on, reconcilliation or not. Also, the exposers seem to actually find something positive in this giant mess.


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