# Time for little update



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I figured it was time for an update, so here goes.


The weight Mrs.CuddleBug lost when going to the gym, all has been gained back because she stopped going to the gym and now she is even bigger.

Her sex drive is 1x month / 5 weeks.

I've stopped initiating altogether because I gave up on all the LD excuses.

To be honest, I don't want to see her naked because of needing to lose 80+ lbs.

We get along fine as friends and roommates but are still married.

It's just a physical and sexless marriage.

I bought a sex toy so when I'm in the mood I get it out of my system and indefinitely can go without sex with Mrs.CuddleBug now.

She's a kind, loving, hard working woman and wife but only emotionally and not physically.

She knows her weight is a serious issue but does nothing about it. Chips, dip, on the phone with her parents and sister everyday about their problems, on her laptop, watches tv, etc. after she gets home from work.

We do a lot of things separately now, watching tv, doing our own thing, eating, etc.

I am not seeing anyone. No EA or PA.

I continue to eat healthy, don't miss meals and I do maintenance exercises and still get ladies in their 20's and 30's flirting with me, which makes me feel like I'm not all dead yet.

Mrs.CuddleBug talks to me with baby talk still and seems to think everything is fine.

I guess its easier not to exercise, get in shape and have sex with your spouse........oh well right?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm sorry, I can imagine that's tough to live with. 

Husband and I are both runners in very good shape, and I know it would bother me if he put on 80 pounds.

Particularly because I work hard, so why should he enjoy the benefits of a fit wife if he's not going to make any effort?

I wanted to throw that out there so you don't think I'm projecting and making excuses for her.

Try not to take it personally. Weight loss and upkeep is very hard and data suggests that most people ultimately fail. We live in a toxic food environment in the modern era and we really do have to fight against our base nature, which is to eat junk and be lazy, to maintain a healthy weight and fitness.

I can't tell you how many runs I've done in the dark simply because there's no other time to do it. 
My coworkers go to lunch all the time and I'm always passing because I don't want to eat restaurant food.

I sit next to the break room at work and people are always bringing in junk. I have to force myself to ignore it. 

It's really hard and not everyone is capable of this level of discipline.

I have no advice except to let it go and either live with her or move on. She knows it's an issue and any motivation to change it must come from her, and perceived or actual disapproval from you only makes it worse. 

Keep your own health in order.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm sorry, I can imagine that's tough to live with.
> 
> Husband and I are both runners in very good shape, and I know it would bother me if he put on 80 pounds.
> 
> ...



Words of wisdom. Thank you :smile2:


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You got one life. If you're unhappy with her, then fix it. No such thing as soulmates. You two are just different now. No shame in splitting up your stuff and going separate ways. She deserves someone also who wants her the way she is. I'm sure there is some big guy out there that would love her. Maybe?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Weight in itself is not the issue. It might have been at age 20 or 30... weight added on to discourage sexual interest may be the real reason.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'm sorry. You know your choices - I'm sure you have thought about them all. 

I wish I could give more than my sympathy, but I've got nothing else. 

If you leave and find someone else, you will be happy - I'm quite sure of it. I know that there is more than happiness involved in the decision.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Some spouses can live comfortably and happily as roommates. Some simply cannot accept a roommate situation. 

I can't tell from the update which of the above you are @CuddleBug, but whatever your choice is, make sure you choose wisely. Life is to short to live with someone you grow to resent. She could be great in many other ways, but if she's not great in the ways that matter to you, then by staying you're choosing to ignore your own needs. If her needs are being met (and based on your post history I see you as a rather generous and caring partner) then the relationship is fundamentally imbalanced.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

For me, having a woman that takes care of herself, so she looks good, dresses sexy, and when we have sex, its really good, that's all I need in a wife.

If she needs to lose a lot of weight, doesn't take care of herself, and the sex is bad, that's not what I want in a wife.

I changed to better myself on many levels. I didn't say, accept me as is because I'm too lazy and unmotivated and selfish to change.

I can only get 1/3 of myself in her due to her size. No joke. So the only positions we can do are doggy at this point with oral. That's it.

Yes, Mrs.CuddleBug is amazing in many ways, just not sexually and physically. I am a HD adventurous man and I have man needs. Not rocket science.

We have never been in the bathroom and shower together in our entire marriage and she still locks the doors to this day.

Mrs.CuddleBug has got so big, her butt and legs dwarf mine and I'm 6ft 2 at 230+ lbs.

Ideally, I would find her a man that is obese and LD. They would both have that in common.

Ideally, I would find myself a woman that is in great shape like myself and is HD.

I guess what it all comes down to is sexual mismatch and the size just adds to the situation.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Can I assume that the lower sex drive came before the weight?

Do you think the weight is an attempt to keep you from looking for sex?

Or did the diminished drive follow the weight gain?

And be careful when you say that a woman who wants sex and takes care of herself is all you need. That's easy to say because your wife is great in many other ways.....if you get a fit woman who wants sex but is difficult in many other ways that sex is going to get old very fast.

Show me the most beautiful woman in the world and I'll show you a guy who's tired of putting up with her.

Many a guy has made his decision based on sex and ended up miserable.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You are not attracted to her and can go indefinitely without having sex with her. So, why indulge her once monthly horniness? That seems to send her the message that you are ok with what is going on. You're not. You don't have to be mean about it; but, you don't have to validate her choices, either.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

So, do you have plans of divorce?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> You are not attracted to her and can go indefinitely without having sex with her. So, why indulge her once monthly horniness? That seems to send her the message that you are ok with what is going on. You're not. You don't have to be mean about it; but, you don't have to validate her choices, either.


It doesn't quite work this way. Not unless you go all out marital warfare on her.

If you play along once a month she thinks everything is fine. If you don't, but keep behaving as if nothing is the issue (or 180) same thing.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

john117 said:


> It doesn't quite work this way. Not unless you go all out marital warfare on her.
> 
> If you play along once a month she thinks everything is fine. If you don't, but keep behaving as if nothing is the issue (or 180) same thing.


It looks like it is depending on what his goal is. To stay married at all costs or to effect a change. If nothing changes, nothing changes.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Which brings us to my years old theory of whether she knows what she's doing and it's all intentional or whether she's clueless altogether. 

One case is generally fixable, the other case is generally not fixable.


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

Tell her how you are feeling, and ask her, do not criticize or say you do this or that, because etc. Repeat back and discuss the I feelings, and state what you need, ask questions to clarify, then discuss how you can meet each others needs. Connect on an emotional level you both will be happier. Don't expect overnight results because you have to build trust and intimacy again. Just like going on your first date and begining all over again. Go date again-how fun is that....! Sounds exciting. 

Go exercise together. She lost weight she can do it again. You can be her role model. Cut out the white starches and have controlled portioned meals and eat together. Do not have anything the house that is tempting, just basic good food three times a day. Go without the bed time snacks. I know. I have to keep my sugar under control. Get back to relating to her and the pounds should come off. She wants to beautiful in your eyes. Cut the contempt. Listen together to the CD audiobook by John Gottman, "Ten lessons to transform your marriage." Also, "Have the Sex you Want: A couples guide to getting back the spark." By Marshall if you can get the audio book it is faster than reading. "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands," by Dr. Laura-it applies to men how to treat women. Then the last book for you only is by Gottman called "Men's guide to women."

See a marital therapist, a dietitian, your insurance should cover it. Please try the above, read or listen in that order. If you realy want to get the loving feeling back this should help. You will be amazed to the possibilities that may occur. It was too late for me, but by your posts you are discouraged and not to that point.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Mrs.CuddleBug probably knows how I'm feeling about this. She just doesn't want to deal with it.

Mrs.CuddleBug is a grown adult woman and not a child. She shouldn't need me going with her to exercise and hold her hand. If she does at age 38, she is a baby and needs to grow up I would think.

I have said lets go for a walk and she'd rather chill on the couch and watch tv or read a book, talk on the phone and on her laptop, etc.

I honestly think she is clueless but doesn't want to change either.

She knows day one we got married, having sex 1x month was a serious issue. I used to initiate all the time and got every excuse you can find here on TAM not to have sex. So over the years, I had enough and gave up.

I think her low sex drive was always there because she was a bigger girl even from her high school years. So that insecurity has been life long with her. She could of done the gym since that point and wouldn't be the size she is today.

I think her continued weight gain is just being comfy and set in her ways.

She always had a low sex drive from day one we got married to present day. You can only initiate and get turned down so many times before you throw in the towel.

We only have 10 months left on our mortgage, so I don't know what will happen at that point.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So why did you marry her?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> So why did you marry her?


Agree. And why stay married to her now?

The mortgage is irrelevant. Nothing will change in 10 mos regarding splitting up the assets and the debts. And 10 mos of mortgage debt is rather negligible in divorce proceedings.

I honestly think it's time to move on from this lazy couch-surfer. Imagine waking up instead with a fit, healthy, active woman, having a romp in the sack, and then heading out for a bike ride or hike, a romantic lunch, exploring your town and the bigger world. 

Instead, you're stuck watching her lounge on the couch, stuff herself with snacks, and chat all day with her mother.

Time for some tough decisions.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> I think her continued weight gain is just being comfy and set in her ways.
> 
> She always had a low sex drive from day one we got married to present day.


So, you want her to entirely change what she has always been, become something she has never been, do it all off her own initiative, without help/assistance/support from you, despite the fact she has no interest/desire to do it, because it's what you want?

Sorry, I don't think you need TAM. You need a miracle.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm sorry, I can imagine that's tough to live with.
> 
> Husband and I are both runners in very good shape, and I know it would bother me if he put on 80 pounds.
> 
> ...


Cuddle Man. 

I think you are at the [left/right] crossroads in your marriage.

She obviously is not going to change her ways. She enjoys food more than sex. We all know a whole lot of people like this. 
.......................................................................................................................................................................................................
Runners and fitness nuts are a small minority in America. When I was younger I put myself at the elite three percent of the population. Now, at my age, I am at the .0001 percent of men who can run, bike, swim. I am no longer competitive with young people, but I can smoke [most of] all the older gents and ladies...that are 10 years younger.
........................................................................................................................................................................................................

Back to you. Your wife is plump. Very plump. She still has a wonderful personality, a pretty face. She still has value.

The physical part? Being plump, she is even more cuddly. She has soft boobs, a large expanse of skin to explore and lick. She has that place that men kill for. And it is "still" all yours to enjoy. 

Forget the Plump visions. Enjoy the warm, juicy Plum visions. She is every bit a women as any out there....at least physically. She has all the right parts.

Work harder at taking her to bed. Work harder at making it pleasurable to her. She knows her size is a turn off to you. 

Do not let her weight leverage you off the bed. Out of her arms, out of her furry fold.

Win this battle. For you and for her.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I married Mrs.CuddleBug because she's a kind, caring, loving, intelligent woman.

I went into our marriage open to change, adapting and always improving.

I do this for myself, our marriage and Mrs.CuddleBug.

I never went into our marriage with the mindset, take me as I am, I won't change for you.

I weight trained.

I got laser eye surgery.

I've upgraded almost everything now in our place.

Mrs.CuddleBug in comparison has done nothing.

I'm not wanting her to get new friends, change her interests and hobbies, change her personality, etc. I want her to take care of her body instead of letting herself go......and the LD thing should of been addressed and solved long ago, instead of 17 years of it.

I am open to any sexual positions, oils, toys, you name it and I'll want to do it. Mrs.CuddleBug is oral and doggy. I love to do a little grab and grope, talk dirty and be flirty, she does not.

I love to always try something new and spice it up. She does nothing.

I don''t know if she doesn't understand how to do these things?! Internet people.......really?

I love food as well but I also weight train.

See, its not money. Mrs.CuddleBug and I are well off. It's not transportation. We both have our own cars.

What I don't understand is if she knows she is very over weight, why not do something about it???


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> Agree. And why stay married to her now?
> 
> The mortgage is irrelevant. Nothing will change in 10 mos regarding splitting up the assets and the debts. And 10 mos of mortgage debt is rather negligible in divorce proceedings.
> 
> ...



You nailed it.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

And we've never been in the shower together in our entire marriage and she still locks the bathroom doors.......


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

My fiance and I talk about this, we are both fit and into running, CF, he is into weight lifting, etc...and it would bother us if we both stopped taking care of ourselves, and just let ourselves go. I think that when you are very much into that lifestyle, it is hard to be around someone who is the polar opposite, which sounds like the case between your wife and you. I'm sure your wife's weight bothers her, there is no way gaining 80 lbs doesn't affect her everyday life, but it will take her consistent work to get the weight off, and to keep it off, and that is probably hard for her to commit to. If she is LD, then this might just add to it, unfortunately.

I agree with those that say life is short, and you are only human. Women flirting with you, while your wife ignores you in ''that way,'' will only last for so long before you grow tired of accepting things as they are. I hope that your wife chooses to lose the weight for her, and become healthier...and that you both can make things work. That she realizes you are worth it, but if not...I hope you don't go through an entire lifetime ...feeling down and growing resentful of your wife. Something will have to give, eventually, I'm thinking. 

Praying for you both.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> Mrs.CuddleBug in comparison has done nothing.
> 
> I'm not wanting her to get new friends, change her interests and hobbies, change her personality, etc.


Sorry, but I suspect that from her perspective that's EXACTLY what appear to want!



> I want her to take care of her body instead of letting herself go......and the LD thing should of been addressed and solved long ago, instead of 17 years of it.
> 
> I am open to any sexual positions, oils, toys, you name it and I'll want to do it. Mrs.CuddleBug is oral and doggy. I love to do a little grab and grope, talk dirty and be flirty, she does not.
> 
> ...


No, it's rather that she DOES NOT LIKE THESE THINGS. Imagine a food you detest. You might force yourself to eat it, but you will never enjoy it. Some people will choke it down because someone tells them it's the "right thing to do". Others will tell you to to stick it where the sun doesn't shine.



> .
> 
> What I don't understand is if she knows she is very over weight, why not do something about it???


The cost/benefit doesn't stack up for her. She isn't sufficiently interested in the results to want to take on the discomfort and effort.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

If Mrs.CuddleBug doesn't like or want sex and isn't motivated to take care of herself, she won't truly have me.

In my books, the pollen gets the bee. No pollen, No bee.

Either you take care of yourself for your health and spouse or you don't.

Either you take care of each others needs as your own, 50 / 50, or you don't.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> If Mrs.CuddleBug doesn't like or want sex and isn't motivated to take care of herself, she won't truly have me.
> 
> In my books, the pollen gets the bee. No pollen, No bee.
> 
> ...


Then you have your answer.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Sawney Beane said:


> Then you have your answer.



I think I will focus on myself more now. Instead of training at home I will get a gym pass and go hard again. See how big and strong I can get this time. Meet new friends and network, etc.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Sawney Beane said:


> No, it's rather that she DOES NOT LIKE THESE THINGS. Imagine a food you detest. You might force yourself to eat it, but you will never enjoy it. Some people will choke it down because someone tells them it's the "right thing to do". Others will tell you to to stick it where the sun doesn't shine.
> 
> 
> The cost/benefit doesn't stack up for her. She isn't sufficiently interested in the results to want to take on the discomfort and effort.


Would you give the same advice to someone whose spouse was addicted to alcohol or drugs? 80 lbs over weight can lead to serious health issues...and food addiction is a real thing.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

*Deidre* said:


> Would you give the same advice to someone whose spouse was addicted to alcohol or drugs? 80 lbs over weight can lead to serious health issues...and food addiction is a real thing.


Yeah, I would advise them to get to a doctor/dietician, even make an appointment, but I still can't *make them* do it. Whether it's obesity, heroin or whisky, the _user_ has to be the one who gives up, for themself. You can't give up for them. You can support them, but you can't "make" them do it. Unless and until they want to, you're just hot air.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Your wife has not changed in the 17 years you've been married to her. You married her expecting her to change the things you didn't like. Usually people don't grow as they age. They get more set in their ways.

Your expectations of your wife are unrealistic. You have been complaining about her for years. 

My prediction is that you will eventually divorce your wife. She will remain permanently single. She'll grow old and die alone.

You will find someone. Fall in love. Marry her. Expect her to change. Be frustrated that she isn't changing how you want her to.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

CynthiaDe said:


> Your wife has not changed in the 17 years you've been married to her. You married her expecting her to change the things you didn't like. Usually people don't grow as they age. They get more set in their ways.
> 
> Your expectations of your wife are unrealistic. You have been complaining about her for years.
> 
> ...



So you're saying its too much and unrealistic for someone to take care of themselves, their spouse and marriage? WOW.


Is it unrealistic for me to want my wife to get in shape? NO.

Is it unrealistic for me to want my wife to get a healthy sex drive? NO.


Your predictions are probably right. Scary but true.


I take care of my body. So can she.

I have a healthy sex drive and am open to almost anything you can imagine. Anything she wants to try, I'm game.


I can change and adapt, better myself, open to new things. So can she.


I have changed so much over the 17 years but she has remained almost the same. Only thing she did was get braces to straighten her teeth and I had to push her to do it. Now that the braces are off and her teeth are amazing, no longer insecure to smile, she wished she would of done this way back instead of nothing.


It's almost like Mrs.CuddleBug has a mental disorder or something and can't adapt, learn and change to better herself. She has to be pushed and her hand held or nothing happens.

She still talks with her parents and sister almost every day after work for 1 to 2 hours and they live 10 minutes away.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> So you're saying its too much and unrealistic for someone to take care of themselves, their spouse and marriage? WOW.


I didn't say that at all. I said that your expectations for your wife are unrealistic. She has always been this way. Expecting her to change who she fundamentally is – that’s unrealistic. She isn’t the type of person who wants to take care of herself, her spouse, and her marriage; at least not in the way that you want her to. That’s the woman you married. Expecting that to change is unrealistic. She isn’t going to change who she is.

You seem extremely frustrated and unhappy with that part of who she is. You can’t change her, so what are you going to do? Remain in a state of extreme frustration and unhappiness over it or make a change in your circumstances that does not require anything of your wife?

I take care of myself. I eat well and exercise regularly. I’m in decent shape. I don’t think it’s unrealistic since I’m living it. I do, however, think it’s unrealistic to expect it of someone who shows no propensity to be like this.



CuddleBug said:


> Is it unrealistic for me to want my wife to get in shape? NO.


 Wanting it and expecting it or two entirely different things. You are upset with her and your life with her because she will not comply with your wishes. You think what you are asking is perfectly reasonable and doable and your wife should comply. If your wife agreed, we wouldn’t be having this discussion. She clearly does not share your view and she never will. You cannot change her to what you want her to be. What are you going to do about your situation?



CuddleBug said:


> Is it unrealistic for me to want my wife to get a healthy sex drive? NO.


Do you think you are entitled to what you want? It appears that you consider what you want to be what you ought have. How’s that working out for you?




CuddleBug said:


> I take care of my body. So can she.


 For some reason she doesn’t want to. It’s her body and her life. She does with it what she wants. You do with your body and your life what you want. She wants your sex drive to decrease. Is he asking what’s wrong with you that you want too damn much sex? Should you decrease your drive to make her happy?



CuddleBug said:


> I have a healthy sex drive and am open to almost anything you can imagine. Anything she wants to try, I'm game.


 Apparently she is trying everything she wants to try and it’s not good enough for you.




CuddleBug said:


> I can change and adapt, better myself, open to new things. So can she.


 But she doesn’t want to. I don’t see you adapting to her. Why should she adapt to you if you aren’t adapting to her?




CuddleBug said:


> I have changed so much over the 17 years but she has remained almost the same. Only thing she did was get braces to straighten her teeth and I had to push her to do it. Now that the braces are off and her teeth are amazing, no longer insecure to smile, she wished she would of done this way back instead of nothing.


 Looks like she’s done some adapting to your wishes. She even put up with the pain of braces to increase her attractiveness to you.




CuddleBug said:


> It's almost like Mrs.CuddleBug has a mental disorder or something and can't adapt, learn and change to better herself. She has to be pushed and her hand held or nothing happens.


 I thought that living in a world of make believe was a mental disorder.



CuddleBug said:


> She still talks with her parents and sister almost every day after work for 1 to 2 hours and they live 10 minutes away.


 Apparently they are her best friends. They probably accept her exactly for who she is.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Sawney Beane said:


> Yeah, I would advise them to get to a doctor/dietician, even make an appointment, but I still can't *make them* do it. Whether it's obesity, heroin or whisky, the _user_ has to be the one who gives up, for themself. You can't give up for them. You can support them, but you can't "make" them do it. Unless and until they want to, you're just hot air.


I agree, that's true.


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## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

I'm going to quote my marriage counselor: What's your bottom line? 

If the lack of sex and her weight are deal breakers...do both of you a favor and leave. Sit her down and tell her those things are deal breakers and non-negotiable. You cannot change other people.

I had a back injury a couple years ago and stopped powerlifting. I gained a bit of weight. My husband never let me forget how amazing my body looked when I lifted. You know what it did? Made me (1) feel pressured and to get that body back. I felt like I would never get there again and so I became depressed and didn't even try. (2) like I wasn't appreciated for who I was as a person and like my body was all he cared about. 

We ended up separating, partly due to the fact I pushed hard against him. Once he was out the picture I reconnected with myself and I'm lifting again and my body looks great. 

It is awesome that you have improved your life and health. You did that for yourself, not for her. You changed the terms of the marriage because now you expect her to change too. It would be the same if you were both addicts and you decided y be clean...well, she married someone comfortable with a low sex drive and her weight. 

It's your right to leave. It's not your right to brow beat her the way you are doing every. Single. Day.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

My expectations are not unrealistic about Mrs.CuddleBug. Its a basic human responsibility, take care of yourself. Being obese shows me someone is lazy and doesn't care. This effects her health and our marriage.

I take care of myself for my health and our marriage. But she doesn't have to do the same I guess and its okay? No its not.

She is comfy and from what I can tell, doesn't care. That isn't wife material. I care and take responsibility for myself.

So its okay for her to have a low sex drive, know its making me miserable and its okay? Great. So much for taking care of each others needs as your own. That's not happening, not even a compromise. But that's okay.

Quit taking the LD spouses side. You know fully well the LD is the one that never changes. The HD spouse jumps through hoops and reads and tries everything. What has the LD spouse done in return? Nothing. But its okay.

Changing, adapting and growing is part of life. If you don't, life gets tough for you fast and you can be left behind. That goes for everything else, job, education, taking care of yourself, investing, etc.

You couldn't be more wrong about the braces. Mrs.CuddleBug always wanted to get braces, but she is a talker and not a doer, remember? Talk is cheap and accomplishes nothing in the end. I told her, use our line of credit and get your teeth done. She did a year later and doesn't regret it. She wouldn't smile much you see. How is that all for me? It's not.

I cut the cords to my parents when I married her. I grew up.

How about I let myself go, need to lose 80+ lbs, unshaven, I don't want sex with her at all, and you can accept me for that because its who I am? That's a complete joke.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It would only be a joke if you pulled a bait and switch, which your wife did not. 

This is who she's always been and you married her anyway. 

I disagree that it's a responsibility to take care of oneself.....it's a responsibility to live an authentic life and be honest with those you come into contact with so they can make their own decisions. 

Those who bait and switch are dishonest.... in a way that's what you did because you married her as she was with the covert contact that she needed to change herself. If you didn't make that clear to her before marriage then you were dishonest.

I get that you're frustrated, because you are otherwise happy with your life with her. You feel like if she'd just change her level of fitness you'd be happy and you resent that you may have to start over because fitness isn't important to her.

To one who is fit it seems like such a small thing to ask, but to one who has no interest it's a lot different.

But you don't get to decide what others must do. If you decided to get a PhD is your wife then obligated to get one too?

Your position is that you try x, y, and z so your wife should too. That isn't how people work. What if your wife took up a hobby you hated and then got upset because you didn't want to do it too?

None of us are entitled to anything. What we are entitled to is honesty so that we may make our decisions accordingly.

You got that, you just didn't listen and now you're upset about it. 

If the package you've got is not one you can live with then you've got some tough decisions ahead, unfortunately.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

It's not necessarily the weight or the sex. Today I had brunch with She Who Is Available And To My Liking and one more pair of people in honor of her birthday. She's way overweight but has a phenomenal personality. She knows how to enjoy life. She has a Maine ****. And a PhD.

To me, the "enjoy life" part is the deal breaker. The rest - at my age - is up for grabs. 

In other words...

If you make the decision to stay in a physically challenged relationship, the rest of the pieces ought to be perfect. That's where the problem is.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Look CB, you and Mrs. CB are not compatible as spouses, plain and simple. Maybe as roommates but not as spouses.

Bottom line: she doesn't want to change and you can't make her want to. She's happy eating junk food and chatting with her family 1-2 hours per day. You like to work out, she does not. You want an adventurous sex life, she does not. You're no more "right" than she is; you're just different.

For your own happiness you should both accept this incompatibility and agree to move on. You'll both be well situated financially after a divorce and you can move on to happier pursuits.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

CB,
It doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong. She isn't going to change. So either accept her, and in accepting her accept the resulting impact on your marriage - or divorce. 

You have tried hard (without success) to encourage certain behaviors. She is not going to change. Is not going to change. Not going to change. 

Is she selfish for not caring that this is causing you distress? Maybe. That doesn't change the situation at all. 





CuddleBug said:


> My expectations are not unrealistic about Mrs.CuddleBug. Its a basic human responsibility, take care of yourself. Being obese shows me someone is lazy and doesn't care. This effects her health and our marriage.
> 
> I take care of myself for my health and our marriage. But she doesn't have to do the same I guess and its okay? No its not.
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

CB,

You are confusing 'fair' band realistic. It might be 'fair' to expect her to make an effort. However, given her conduct to date it is totally unrealistic. 





CuddleBug said:


> So you're saying its too much and unrealistic for someone to take care of themselves, their spouse and marriage? WOW.
> 
> 
> Is it unrealistic for me to want my wife to get in shape? NO.
> ...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> Would you give the same advice to someone whose spouse was addicted to alcohol or drugs? 80 lbs over weight can lead to serious health issues...and food addiction is a real thing.


Spit it out, Deidre.

Mr. Cuddlebug is selfish. And he is not loyal "till death do us part".

I understand the pain derived from lack of intimacy.

I understand the frustration as a result of getting no sexual pleasure at all from this women.

She is LD and happy with this. Mr C. knows this. He has known this for years. The women loves to cook and she loves to eat.

She is a couch potato, but she is not an evil b'tch. No, she is mostly a nice lady.

Cuddlebug, what I do not understand is the anger dripping from your posts. God, man this is your wife.

Divorce her. But, do so with sadness. Leave her because the two of you are not compatible....and never were.

Have some dignity for her. And for you.

I am not angry at you. I want you to recognize that all *loyal spouses* deserve compassion and a proper dissolution of their marriage.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Sun,
This is really good. 




SunCMars said:


> Spit it out, Deidre.
> 
> Mr. Cuddlebug is selfish. And he is not loyal "till death do us part".
> 
> ...


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> I am not angry at you. I want you to recognize that all *loyal spouses* deserve compassion and a proper dissolution of their marriage.


Proper dissolution is in the eye of the beholder...


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> So you're saying its too much and unrealistic for someone to take care of themselves, their spouse and marriage? WOW.
> 
> 
> Is it unrealistic for me to want my wife to get in shape? NO.
> ...


What was unrealistic was to enter into a marriage in the first place knowing that you had a number of incompatible issues that you thought would eventually iron themselves out. You seem to be confused with causes and effects. I HIGHLY doubt mrs. CB went into the marriage with the goal "I'm going to keep ballooning until I become housebound and on disability". This is actually where she is heading now. If you want to make this a marriage, she needs to be in some type of therapy so that she can figure out WHY she does not value herself. Clearly she is not a big beautiful bold woman who embraces her curves. She clearly has body issues and is embarrassed by her appearance. Your fatal flaw is in assuming that you two had a sex problem. You don't have a sex problem now and you never did. What you have is a spouse that has given up. The question is what is in her past or present that has resigned her to a state of hopelessness. IMHO, that is what's going on. Most likely, she has unresolved body issues from adolescence that she never dealt with. She may now equate you with one of her "attackers" from her youth. IDK, but she needs therapy. You are not equipped to fix her.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> I can only get 1/3 of myself in her due to her size. No joke. So the only positions we can do are doggy at this point with oral. That's it.


 @CuddleBug My wife and I both have had our own experiences with being overweight, and regardless of size most couples deal with these same issues while maintaining intimacy during pregnancy. 

Bottom line is that you are not limited to just doggy and oral, but she may be the one that is making other positions impossible. Missionary with her legs lifted high or with her on top in a similar orientation to you should allow for full penetration. 

If your wife is diabetic or has a tendency towards high blood sugar, be very aware that this can make sex painful for her (yeast + sugar = ouch). 

I would go to a pharmacy and buy an OTC blood sugar monitoring kit. Some of these devices are cheap these days and the test strips no longer require a prescription. 

So if you can abstain from sex indefinitely right now, I would become very aggressive about helping your wife keep her blood sugar in check. In doing so try to create a change in lifestyle that can be maintained with _gradual_ weight loss as it is all about what you eat. Exercise is great, but diet it way more important. 

If her blood sugar is high and she refuses to do anything about it, and she refuses to take medical advice from a doctor as well, then I'm sorry for you.

Badsanta


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> For me, having a woman that takes care of herself, so she looks good, dresses sexy, and when we have sex, its really good, that's all I need in a wife.
> 
> If she needs to lose a lot of weight, doesn't take care of herself, and the sex is bad, that's not what I want in a wife.
> 
> ...


* Cuddle: My prayers are with you, Brother! Absolutely hate to see you going through this!*


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You sound miserable and depressed. 

The hardest part is accepting it's never going to get better and take action. Go see an attorney first. You need to see what a divorce will look like financially and make sure you don't make any mistakes. Accept it, you're going to lose 50% of all your crap. Yes, it's crap. You will make more money and be able to buy more crap. I'm 13 months since separation and 8 months since divorce. I'm still paying off debt and working on buying another house. But I also just got engaged, so that set me back a little. Worth every cent. I am young at 35, so I have time on my side. The joke "Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's fcking worth it!!" is soo so soooo true!

I'll say, the first couple weeks is hard living on your own. Not able to sleep and being scared to start over. But once you connect with another woman and see what you've been missing, it's all worth it. It took me 4 weeks to find my fiance, so I got lucky I suppose. But I detached years ago from my ex wife, so I was ready to move on quickly. No sex for 4yrs will do that!

Man up and leave her. It's the right thing to do for you and her. She checked out of your marriage a long time ago. 

However, from your posts, I don't think you'll do it. You are too much of a nice guy and worried about hurting her feelings and disappointing friends and family. You need to realize only you can make yourself happy. Only she can make herself happy. This is your one and only life, so live it up. Don't waste it like so many wimps do.

Finally, you need to realize she DOESN'T want to have sex. This is why she gained the weight. It's her defense shield to keep you from desiring her. Think about that. That is grounds for a divorce. Give it to her.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

IIRC, in past threads you indicated you weren't successful with females before you married her (and presumably felt she was the best you could do then). Now you feel differently and maybe wish she were like that 16 year old girl you were admiring at one of your jobs a year or two ago. Or maybe you'd settle for having her just lose the weight and not try to look 16 (since that's not possible anyway) but the point is she doesn't want to. So you need to accept her the way she is or you need to divorce her and find someone else.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

CuddleBug said:


> Mrs.CuddleBug *probably* knows how I'm feeling about this. She just doesn't want to deal with it.
> 
> I honestly think *she is clueless* but doesn't want to change either.


Don't you think she deserves to know how serious this is for you? You're making the assumption that she knows, but maybe she just thinks that you would have accepted her after all of these years. Spell it out for her. At least, that'll give her the option to change or not. Then if she doesn't, you'll know for sure where you stand.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Dude I'm calling you out for your crazy assumptions. No - not everyone has the same fitness values you do and that doesn't make them wrong.

At one point I was 120 pounds heavier than when I met my W. now I'm about 70. (Admittedly I was 19 and basically ripped when we met). But I'm still attractive and healthy - I work out hard twice a week with a trainer, did martial arts a few years ago, etc. Am I a fitness model? H3ll no but I carry myself well. My W is still very attracted to me and vice versa.

I proposed to my W when she was at her all time high in weight - I didn't really notice the weight - just how amazing and beautiful she was. Now in fact she's about 45 less than then - about 30 years ago.

Weight means very little.

You seem actually sad and resentful that she is complacent - and maybe even content - with her weight. Perhaps she is, or perhaps it's an amazingly difficult struggle, the likes of which you can not imagine 

I've got a lab of sorts - multiple multiples (my kids) - so I know we've treated the kids exactly the same in all respects. Yet in both cases one twin is naturally thin and can't get fat even if they tried , and the other struggles with weight, constant hunger in spite of being a varsity athlete and strong and fit. Genetics can really suck sometimes




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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Btw I'm attractive because I'm confident, smart, capable and accept myself. Maybe your W struggles with confidence and self acceptance - in which case she wouldn't be motivated to tackle this huge problem and wouldn't feel attractive enough to have sex with you. Ignoring sex can be a way to suppress the shame and self loathing.

Me - I'd rather loathe someone else than myself  


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

My mom likes the saying ''you can tell a lot about people by who they're married to.'' 

Cuddlebug, maybe you stay with your wife, because the qualities that matter most in a person, she has. Of course, sexual attraction is important in a relationship, but it's not what keeps marriages together.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> Of course, sexual attraction is important in a relationship, but it's not what keeps marriages together.


On the other hand, LACK of sexual attraction is very effective at breaking marriages apart.

If either partner wants regular mutually satisfying sex, then sex becomes a necessary but not sufficient condition for their marriage to be happy. No, the marriage is not guaranteed to be happy if regular mutually satisfying sex is present. But the marriage is pretty darn guaranteed to be UNhappy if sex is absent.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> Of course, sexual attraction is important in a relationship, but it's not what keeps marriages together.


Maybe not the only thing holding it together, but it's a HUGE component of the glue and mortar. It's that special "thing" that differentiates your marriage from all other relationships in your life.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Holdingontoit said:


> On the other hand, LACK of sexual attraction is very effective at breaking marriages apart.
> 
> If either partner wants regular mutually satisfying sex, then sex becomes a necessary but not sufficient condition for their marriage to be happy. No, the marriage is not guaranteed to be happy if regular mutually satisfying sex is present. But the marriage is pretty darn guaranteed to be UNhappy if sex is absent.





happy as a clam said:


> Maybe not the only thing holding it together, but it's a HUGE component of the glue and mortar. It's that special "thing" that differentiates your marriage from all other relationships in your life.


I agree, I wouldn't want my marriage someday, to turn sexless, but what I'm saying is, maybe Cuddlebug stays because her other qualities outweigh what he perceives is lacking. Idk, just another idea.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> I married Mrs.CuddleBug because she's a kind, caring, loving, intelligent woman.


It's like you're talking about your sister.

Sure, the above qualities are important, but not enough to marry a woman and make her a wife.

First of all you should've felt sexually attracted to her...words which are not in your post..probably because they weren't in your mind/heart when you married her in the first place.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

lovelygirl said:


> It's like you're talking about your sister.
> 
> Sure, the above qualities are important, but not enough to marry a woman and make her a wife.
> 
> First of all you should've felt sexually attracted to her...words which are not in your post..probably because they weren't in your mind/heart when you married her in the first place.



@CuddleBug? 


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

It's easier to blame her for not changing to your satisfaction than it is to admit you made a mistake marrying her in the first place.


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

CuddleBug, there seems to be a constant theme in your posts about your wife all the time. She has let herself go, she is lazy, she doesn't take action to keep herself in shape you want her in. That you dont get sex like you want and the amount of it. 

After that you always follow it up how you have transformed your body and look with working out. I believe you mentioned when you and her got together you had coke bottle glasses, weight etc that you have all changed. And kudos to you its great to feel better about oneself. But it seems you were sort of a late bloomer. That after you made changes you found your wife less attractive. You have mentioned countless times that you get looks and compliments from other women at the gym or in passing. 

I think your attitude without intent shows in a way to your wife. I can feel it reading your posts i am sure she senses it at home. I am not saying your complaints dont have merit everyone deserves to be happy in a marriage but at this point do you think your ideal of what you want her to me is going to happen? 

Seems you both had love for each other but on the physical side you made changes and now you dont see her as an equal or doing it for you. But when people always mention how much they look better than there spouse, that its easy to gain attraction from others with your own apperance, that your spouse is lazy and its not what you are happy with, most likely they are checking out of a marriage. I think she senses that in you and is probably little depressed over it.

I think this wasnt a problem in the beginning (obvious you all got married) but you made changes for the better and now things are a problem. At this point i dont think your wife is going to change. Your deal now is can you love her as she is and will be or will your disappointment just grow more and more?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

We make mistakes in life and learn from them. You married MrsCuddleBug for all the wrong reasons. Maybe she made more $$ than you at the time or came from a wealthy family. You treated her like a good business decision, instead of a lover. I did the same exact mistake on my first marriage. I fixed it with a divorce and found the right woman for me. Don't be afraid to admit your mistakes and correct them.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I needed a bit of a break.

Lots on the go right now but I have some time.


Mrs.CuddleBug said to me today, we don't do that much together and communicate, etc. I told her, you have a very low sex drive and need to lose 80+ lbs. I don't see you doing anything and that would go a very long way. No response from Mrs.CuddleBug.


I take care of myself, diet, exercise, for my health, longevity and for my marriage, Mrs.CuddleBug. I do not talk and make excuses and nothing happens.

Mrs.CuddleBug does none of this. Her choices. Its not about money, we have lots or going out, we have our own vehicles. I would say its laziness, simple as that.

I don't care if someone can lose 10 lbs, we all can. But when its 80+ lbs and getting bigger, there is a real problem.

A healthy marriage is also a sexual one. That means neither spouse is sexually starved. If one spouse has a low sex drive, knows this is an issue, they can either take care of their other spouse needs as their own or they can do nothing and be selfish.


When we first got married, I was making the big money and she was a waitress with tips. I worked full time 10 hour shifts and she did evenings.

Over our 17 years together our local economy changed for the worse and major industry left, replaced with more retail and service based jobs. Low paying.

Today Mrs.CuddleBug makes the big money were as I had to start over but recently I got a good raise, we like you and what you do, etc. Plus I get us medical and dental coverage.


Has Mrs.CuddleBug let herself go? YES.

If she physically lazy? I would say yes because if she took care of herself, there would be no need to lose 80+ lbs.

I'd say we have a great marriage, just not a physical sexual marriage.


Its sad that LD spouses never have to change, we shouldn't of married them, its all our fault, etc.

How about this? LD spouses know they are LD and why don't they do some changing? Why is it one sided?


I don't see Mrs.CuddleBug like a sister.

Mrs.CuddleBug is a kind, loving, smart, caring woman. Great qualities in a wife. True.


People aren't stupid. If you need to lose a lot of weight, its obvious and you shouldn't need to be told that.

Having a healthy fun sex drive with your spouse is also common sense. You really think having sex 1x month is healthy? No, its not.

I am a man with man needs. I love women. That means physicality and sex are a major part of it and not talking and how are you feeling.

You don't need to be taught that. Common sense.

I am not seeing anyone. No EA and no PA.


If Mrs.CuddleBug got off her butt, got in shape, made up for the last 17 years of 1x month sex, yah, I'd be the happiest guy out there. No question about that.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Sorry for your situation. Would you be ok with her losing 70lbs while still only wanting sex once monthly? What about heavy and HD?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

CharlieParker said:


> Sorry for your situation. Would you be ok with her losing 70lbs while still only wanting sex once monthly? What about heavy and HD?



For me, there is no specific number of weight to lose. It's more lose weight to get in shape.

Going to a local gym after work, weights, cardio, buy their supplements, get a personal trainer, watching what you eat according to the personal trainer, doing this consistently year after year, you will get in shape and lose that weight. Then when you finally get there, you will say, why didn't I do this long ago? Now you'll be healthier, live longer, feel confident about your body and watch the sex drive go way up as well.

Now I personally don't find obese ladies sexually attractive. It tells me they don't care about their bodies, health, longevity, etc. and to be honest, I don't want to see them naked. Being totally honest here.

Any woman that only wants sex 1x month, is not for me. That is a low sex drive lady and that physical bond between us will never be there. She is no different than meeting a lady at a party, having sex and meeting another lady at another party one month later. A loving and sexual wife should be taking care of her mans needs and rocking his world, out of love and take care of his needs as her own and being his wife. This goes the other way as well, us guys taking care of our ladies needs.

If the guy is always physically and sexually starved, the wife isn't being very loving and taking care of him. Only herself.

And then I see posts here on guys viewing porn, getting addicted, meeting ladies who want a friend with only the benefits, and the list goes on. Same with the ladies with a guy who is LD.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

So...What are you going to do about it?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I am going to take care of myself even more, even better shape, maybe meet new friends, get myself a few more hobbies, etc.

If Mrs.CuddleBug doesn't want to take care of herself and get a healthy sex drive, that is on her now, but everything flows from that as well.

I will not be miserable. I will enjoy life more whether she wishes to be a part of that or not. She knows what she has to do.

I will not let myself get obese and have little to no sex drive.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

CharlieParker said:


> Sorry for your situation. Would you be ok with her losing 70lbs while still only wanting sex once monthly? What about heavy and HD?


Losing the weight is not going to do much LD wise. My wife weighs 125 lb and during our best times she was 130-135 at best. 

Some common wisdom says too much exercise kills desire, which I believe. Also it kills time and stamina. Who has time or energy for sex after today's 30 mile bike ride?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

john117 said:


> Losing the weight is not going to do much LD wise. My wife weighs 125 lb and during our best times she was 130-135 at best.
> 
> Some common wisdom says too much exercise kills desire, which I believe. Also it kills time and stamina. Who has time or energy for sex after today's 30 mile bike ride?



I have no issues working an 8 hour day, getting home, some minor amount of chores, have a mini nap and get weight training. Nice shower, watch some tv, make food for work, chill, talk about our day, etc.

Exercise gets my blood pumping, testosterone up and my sex drive goes up.

Doing a 30 mile bike ride will not build muscle, which in turn burns more fat 24/7. All that does is some cardio, leans out your existing muscle and that's it.

Mrs.CuddleBug says who has time for that? And now she is 80+ lbs over weight and getting bigger....


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

So you're going to do exactly what you have always done, without changing anything while as always expecting different results.

Nuts.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Personal said:


> So you're going to do exactly what you have always done, without changing anything while as always expecting different results.
> 
> Nuts.



I guess I'm still hoping one day she will see living a healthy lifestyle is a good thing.

I'm married to her, sickness and health, richer or poorer, good times and bad. I know that sounds cheesy but those are my marriage vows and its not a piece of paper to me.

Will we eventually divorce? Definitely a possibility. I don't know at this point to be honest.:scratchhead:

Do I want to be married to a lady who might be 250+ lbs, no sex drive and I have to push her around in a wheel chair? I won't let it get to that point......I would be gone at that point. That's my don't cross line.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

You know, I have gone months without posting. Months. And then, I see this post, CB, and you complaining about your wife... yet? Still? Again? You seem to think if she loses weight, she will automatically want sex. You seem to think that she is going to require a wheelchair at 250+ pounds. Didn't you JUST say you are only a few pounds shy of that "magical weight", yourself? Do you require a wheelchair? Hey, you know what, let's change gears for a minute here.

I am, more than likely, a larger woman than your wife. I have a HIGHER drive than my husband, who is currently, based on your description of yourself, a little bigger than you. Like @badsanta mentioned a few days ago, total penetration IS possible, in multiple positions, even at higher weights. Again, I speak from experience. Our sex life is, essentially, nearly sexless... but guess what. It is NOT because of my size. If left up to me, it would be, AT MINIMUM, twice a week... but, my husband's drive is lower than mine, due mostly to health problems, including a low testosterone level (which is being addressed). 

But, here is the BIG difference, which you fail to see about your own... I married my husband, knowing what his drive was like, as well as my own, and we were COMPATIBLE from the start. You and Mrs.CB were not, and still are not. YOU accepted her lower drive, from the beginning, but you EXPECTED her to change, to want sex more frequently. That is not how she is built. It is JUST as WRONG to expect YOU to decide that you want sex only once a month. You are not built that way. And, I believe you felt that way from the start, too. No, you should NOT be expected to "settle" for once a month. However, she should NOT be EXPECTED to have sex more often. Why? Because she has been like this from the beginning, and you knew it, yet married her anyway. YOU told her, by proposing and then marrying, that YOU are ok with sex once a month. You don't like it? Then DO something about it instead of constantly complaining about it! 

Now, back to that ridiculous wheelchair comment... Are you freaking kidding me? Even at my HIGHEST weight, I did NOT require a wheelchair for my husband to push me around. You, sir, are very insulting. And, another thing. Even after losing 200 pound... yes, you read correctly, I lost TWO HUNDRED POUNDS... I was STILL above your magical "250+" weight... and still am. The ONLY thing I require is a CANE, and ONLY because of my hip, which was broken when I was 23. I am now 41, and unattractive by your standards, but I get around without a wheelchair. In fact, I could probably get away with using a scooter at the store when I am shopping, but I choose to walk... because I CAN. My guess is your wife is the same way. 

You want the honest truth, CB? I think someone else touched on this earlier, but I will state it again. She probably gained the weight back ON PURPOSE, to get you to leave her alone. She KNOWS you don't think fat people are attractive. That is your prerogative. But, since she knows this, and gained weight ANYWAY... THINK! Why would she do that, knowing what you think about fat people? To get you to leave her alone about sex. 

Now, what are you going to do about it? Sulk? Tell her you can't keep on like this? Keep complaining about her? Or take some real freaking action???

Good grief.

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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Welcome back @Maricha75 You were missed. 

CB, Mrs Blue reached 280. Didn't need a wheelchair. 

She lost 100 lbs and her sex drive did not increase. 

Unlike you i did know my wife's sex drive would drop off. Right after marriage a coworker said i would have more sex in first year than all the others combined. If laughed in his face. I'm not laughing now. 

My sex drive has increased significantly last few years. That's why i ended up here. 

The only options are to find a new partner or stop complaining.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I know two people with 300 lb+ wives. One is in an open marriage and the other is uber religious. The weight is not the problem for the wives' lack of desire.

The bike rides are fun, and really help me think more than anything else. Plus we do them together, which would be a huge plus in a healthier marriage... Ask her how she feels about riding, it's easy, pretty beneficial, and you can start slow and easy. Unfortunately I see a lot more overweight guys on the trail - myself included - than gals.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> You know, I have gone months without posting. Months. And then, I see this post, CB, and you complaining about your wife... yet? Still? Again? You seem to think if she loses weight, she will automatically want sex. You seem to think that she is going to require a wheelchair at 250+ pounds. Didn't you JUST say you are only a few pounds shy of that "magical weight", yourself? Do you require a wheelchair? Hey, you know what, let's change gears for a minute here.
> 
> I am, more than likely, a larger woman than your wife. I have a HIGHER drive than my husband, who is currently, based on your description of yourself, a little bigger than you. Like @badsanta mentioned a few days ago, total penetration IS possible, in multiple positions, even at higher weights. Again, I speak from experience. Our sex life is, essentially, nearly sexless... but guess what. It is NOT because of my size. If left up to me, it would be, AT MINIMUM, twice a week... but, my husband's drive is lower than mine, due mostly to health problems, including a low testosterone level (which is being addressed).
> 
> ...



The body you have and how you change it is up to your lifestyle. Weight trainers get those results from a good solid diet and weight training. Obese people aren't born obese. You have to work at that as well. No exercise and solid diet will do that. Both bodies you must work at to get those results. You aren't born either way.

You think being obese is good on the joints, hips, etc. when you get older? Less chance of disease? Diabetes? Heart attack? High blood pressure? Quite the opposite.

I took care of myself. She didn't. I am in good shape, she is obese. I can lift a lot of weight and I'm very strong. I can lift those wheel chairs.....

Something I haven't mentioned is I can only get 1/3 of myself in her because of her size being in the way. I don't like that at all.

You'd want sex minimum 2x week? Your hubby is a very lucky man. I haven't had sex 2x week or more with Mrs.CuddleBug. That's too much you see and all I want is sex sex sex That's bad.

To be honest, I never really knew Mrs.CuddleBug was that LD and insecure. Sure, the first stage of being married you get used to each other and grow together. But after a few years I realized she was treated badly because of her size, making her extremely insecure and non physical and doesn't want sex much. Nothing to do with me. She never got over that and the help she needed to grow.

I initiated often, learned much from TAM and she really noticed and appreciated that but in the end, didn't get her to take care of herself and get a healthy sex drive.

Has she gained all the weight back to avoid me? I doubt it. I was already giving her a lot of space to begin with and she still likes to eat chips, dip, her laptop, watch tv and talk on the phone with her sis and parents. In fact, I'd say she does it more now because she has more space. She doesn't complain because I'm always around her.

Do I find large ladies sexually attractive? No.

It tells me they don't take care of themselves and it shows.

You only have one physical body. Why not take care of it?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Try rereading your above post.

Don't you understand that you are getting exactly what you choose?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Personal said:


> Try rereading your above post.
> 
> 
> 
> Don't you understand that you are getting exactly what you choose?




That ^^^ post fits nearly every OP here.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

How much did she weigh when you married her?

How much does she weigh now?

How tall is she and how old is she?

Exactly how much do you weigh and your height?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> The body you have and how you change it is up to your lifestyle. Weight trainers get those results from a good solid diet and weight training. Obese people aren't born obese. You have to work at that as well. No exercise and solid diet will do that. Both bodies you must work at to get those results. You aren't born either way.
> 
> You think being obese is good on the joints, hips, etc. when you get older? Less chance of disease? Diabetes? Heart attack? High blood pressure? Quite the opposite.
> 
> ...


You're. Not. Getting. It.

She was like this FROM THE BEGINNING. The cues were there from the start. You JUST said that she has had body issues because she was treated badly because of her size. And, yet, how are YOU approaching her on this? She knows of your disdain for fat people. If you think she is not picking up on this, you are kidding yourself. 

You say that you can only get 1/3 inside because of her size. And I am telling you, FLAT OUT, that even with a larger size, it absolutely IS possible for total penetration. Seriously, CB, I was OVER 400 pounds at one time (top weight before surgery), and my husband is about average, and there were NO problems in other positions. Even now, we are both still bigger people and STILL no issues in that area. I'm sorry, but I am gonna call you on that one being SOLELY because of her weight. Now, I am really curious. What is her height and approximate weight? At my lowest, after weight loss surgery, I was roughly 260, and am 5'3". So, yea, I definitely don't buy your claim about it being ONLY because of her size.

I NEVER said there are no risk factors, or even fewer risk factors to being overweight/obese. You think it is easy for EVERYONE to just like the weight because you have been able to do it. It isn't. Now, don't jump on that, so quickly. I said it isn't EASY for everyone, not that it is IMPOSSIBLE. In my case, I took the last resort... surgery. It definitely wasn't easy. Still isn't. There was a time when I did require a wheelchair... when I broke my hip in a car accident. And scooters for awhile when shopping. But, now, I choose to walk when I am shopping. I choose to walk to my kids' bus stop everyday, twice a day. And, when the weather is decent, I walk with my kids to the elementary school so they can play on the playground, and we walk to the store to do a little light shopping... things that the 4 of us can easily carry in backpacks.

But, according to YOU, I am lazy. You, sir, do not know me. You know nothing about my life, my level of activity, on a daily basis. You only know what I post here, and based on only that, you have labeled me as lazy. You, CB, don't want to know what I REALLY think about you. And, because I don't want to get into trouble by getting creative around the language filters, you won't know... but use your imagination! Suffice it to say, I am siding with your wife, here. Not because she is LD, and not because she is overweight/obese. I am siding with her, solely based on what YOU have posted here, and your attitude toward her. She has showed her true self to you from the start. You, however, have changed, and expect her to become someone she is not. You cannot force her. The only thing you CAN do is decide if you want to continue in a marriage with a woman you are not compatible with... or you can end the marriage. Your choice. 

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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> How much did she weigh when you married her?
> 
> How much does she weigh now?
> 
> ...


Iirc, he said he is 6'2" and about 230. But I am definitely curious about the rest you are asking about his wife.

ETA: I checked one of his posts. Back in July, him - 6'2"...225, her - 5'10"... 230-ish. So, close to same height and weight for the two of them.

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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

I fully understand and acknowledge the difficulty OP is having with penetration. Depending on their height difference and how and where the weight is distributed this is a problem for many, including this poster. This is real, not BS. 

For most, the weight problem is due to overconsumption of calories. I type this while Mrs and I eat most of our own pizzas just delivered.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If this is what she chooses, it's her life. If you can't live with her choices about her life, and you feel that you can do better now (although apparently you didn't feel you could do better then or you would have kept looking), then you need to move on. 

There likely are plenty of women out there who look like your teenage co-worker, if that's what you're still after, but you need to be single to pursue them. 

Accept. Leave. Those are your choices. You've heard all of this many times before.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> I fully understand and acknowledge the difficulty OP is having with penetration. Depending on their height difference and how and where the weight is distributed this is a problem for many, including this poster.


Badsanta gave him an idea to compensate. And, I am sorry, but I don't buy that it is all her fault that he cannot penetrate completely. He is putting it ALL on her, that it is ONLY because of her weight. I don't buy it. As an overweight and short woman, I refuse to believe that it is all her fault that he cannot fully penetrate in any position other than doggy. Yes, height and other factors can, and often do, play a large part in the dynamic. However, that is NOT what CB has stated. He said, twice, it is because of her size... and only her size. THAT, I do not buy. And nothing will convince me otherwise.

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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

CB,

It is incredibly toxic for both yourself and C2 for you to make totally contradictory statements. For example (and there is more than one example, I just chose this one because it is so glaring):

*I'd say we have a great marriage, just not a physical sexual marriage.
*

And yet you also say that you are:
1. Very unhappy with C2's choices and the resulting physical outcome of those choices
2. Detaching from her and will eventually leave her if she continues down the current path

--------------
One of your biggest issues is your unwillingness to state the truth of your situation which is:
1. You are very unhappy. 
2. Are steadily losing love and respect for your wife. 
3. Are on a slow but steady trajectory towards divorce.
4. Your wife knows that and seems to accept it.

---------
THAT is not a GREAT marriage. 






CuddleBug said:


> I needed a bit of a break.
> 
> Lots on the go right now but I have some time.
> 
> ...


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

CB, you talk alot about how things should be, but you need to accept how things were since you first met her...

Or divorce...

May not seem fair or "how things should be", but it is what it is...

Evidently she finds change more difficult for herself than you did for yourself, so quit the complaining and check out those lovely ladies who give you the attention you sorely need and make a date. Then tell Ms. CB that you made said date. Notice her reaction, then come back and tell us.

Meanwhile, i'll bet that she felt that you would lose attraction to her once you supposedly changed from nerd to "more attractive man". She expects this reaction from you, every woman does. This hostility is expected, the "why can't you be the hot wife I deserve" rant is expected. I'll bet she sees the disappointment in your eyes.

But, you stay. Why? Because you don't want to be one of those guys who dumps the loyal wife for the hottie, you dont want the eyes rolling saying, "See, he's just like those other shallow men". Maricha summed up your story, you was the nerd who wanted the hot girl, instead you ended up with your wife, now you are angry because she won't change, because she is just supposed to....want to change....


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> Iirc, he said he is 6'2" and about 230. But I am definitely curious about the rest you are asking about his wife.
> 
> ETA: I checked one of his posts. Back in July, him - 6'2"...225, her - 5'10"... 230-ish. So, close to same height and weight for the two of them.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


Hmmm, a 6'2" and 225 lbs brings in a bmi of 28.9. 30 is obese. He would have to lose 35 lbs (190) to be considered normal weight. If she lost 80 lbs, she would weigh 150 which may be considered too thin for her. She would need to get down to 170 to be in the normal range. That's only 20 lbs difference. 

All things considered, @CuddleBug, would you be happy if she dropped down to 205 lbs?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

She is right. Unless you are all muscle you are borderline obese according to the BMI chart. 

Lead by example. Lose your weight. Cook healthy meals. Buy healthy snacks. 

Is she self medicating depression with food?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

You guys have no clue about BMI.....all clueless here.

I weight train. That means I am more muscular, stronger and leaner than those who do nothing and are the same weight. Anyone who is into health, nutrition and weight training knows this.

So someone who is 230 lbs who doesn't weight train needs to lose weight.

Someone who does weight train, muscular and leaner doesn't need to lose that weight because its not FAT. Big difference to those who really understand BMI. Those who do not will say stuff like that.

My blood pressure is around 110 / 70. I have a digital blood pressure arm band.


With all the technologies, medical advances, knowledge about foods and nutrition and gyms everywhere, there is no excuse to be obese today. Some people still make excuses and are physically lazy and it catches up fast, were as others do take care of themselves and when they get older it shows. Fate is what you make. What you put in you get out.


Again, one last time people, there is no specific number of weight to lose. Its what Mrs.CuddleBug can do and as the years progress, more weight comes off, she can buy those clothes she's always wanted to wear, her confidence about her body will go up and everything else, sex drive, will follow.


If I was 300 to 400 lbs, morbidly obese, I wouldn't want my wife to see me naked at all. I would be ashamed I let myself go that bad. No excuses. You wouldn't see me at the beach either.


*I'm going to try something different. I will start surprising her with dinners after work, but very healthy alternatives. So the wrap zone, vegies, chicken, unwraps. Or a healthy sub from subway. This way, hopefully, less chips and dip and bad foods on her part. Some people can control what they eat and I guess she can't as much. I have to be stricter when I grocery shop. Larger variety but even healthier. That's a positive start.
*
Most of her female friends are large ladies. Maybe that's why she doesn't take care of herself? Being obese is okay. No pressure to get in shape.


I don't know what our future holds. Could be divorce and could be she finally takes care of herself.


We all have choices in life. No one makes us do anything we don't wish to do. And the outcomes are very clear.


If Mrs.CuddleBug was in shape, we wouldn't have penetration issues. Her size is getting in the way. That's not my doing. We should be able to do all positions without her size getting in the way.


People that don't take care of their one physical body I have zero sympathy for. Ether you take care of yourself or you don't.


I am not looking at teenage ladies....were did that come from? Sounds like a large person lashing out because they didn't take care of themselves and need something to blame it on. I look at ladies even in their 50's. Why? Because they took care of themselves and it really shows.


*I'm going to get a gym pass again. Maybe Mrs.CuddleBug will see that and get a pass as well? Maybe that's what it will take. I will try and let everyone know and same with me controlling the diet more. Updates will come.*


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

@CuddleBug have you ever thought she has a true blue addiction to food? It exists. Would you be more sympathetic if you approached it from that angle?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

lucy999 said:


> @CuddleBug have you ever thought she has a true blue addiction to food? It exists. Would you be more sympathetic if you approached it from that angle?



If Mrs.CuddleBug has a food addiction, that's news to me.


When we first started dating, she was a vegetarian and even missed meals to try and lose weight but she never did weights / cardio.

She had low iron levels and when she took a coin and rubbed it on her skin, it left a mark, from lack of iron.

After we got married, she stopped being a vegetarian and now eats chicken and turkey in her diet and peanut butter. No red meats though because red meat is hard to digest, turns to fat easier and you are prone to more diseases.

I eat way more than she does. I'd say 2x as much daily but that's the calories I need to maintain my size. So I might eat 4000 calories a day were as she eats 2000 calories a day.

If she's eating badly, addicted to food behind my back, it would show on our bank accounts, credit and debit cards. Nothing there out of the ordinary.

I think its just a matter of going to a gym, getting a trainer, doing some weights / cardio 5 to 6 days each week. That will raise her metabolism, and the weight starts coming off. But diet alone doesn't work. It has to be diet and physical fitness.

If I only ate healthy and never weight trained, I would not be the size and strength I am today. Diet alone doesn't do much.

Diet alone is the least amount of effort and easy way out.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I think your demanding, demeaning attitude towards your wife is hurting your wife. No wonder she doesn't have any motivation to do better in the marriage and spends so much time on the phone with her family. She obviously isn't getting emotional support from you. Instead she is a fat, unattractive, lazy, foolish, disappointment to you. You're never going to see a change in the direction you want it. As long as you hang onto your view that you are right and must be obeyed in the things you have outlined, your marriage will continue to go down hill as the distance between you grows.

I feel bad for your wife. Does she ever tell you that you're mean?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> If Mrs.CuddleBug has a food addiction, that's news to me.
> 
> 
> When we first started dating, she was a vegetarian and even missed meals to try and lose weight but she never did weights / cardio.
> ...


Since money is a non-issue, have both of you explored hiring a personal trainer to come to the house? I am willing to bet that she feels extremely uncomfortable going out in public and working up a sweat.

Gyms can be very intimidating. It can be a huge mental hurdle to get there.


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## ukf32 (Jul 10, 2012)

I've read this thread and don't frequent the forum often so am responding only to what I see on the thread, no judgement based on any previous posts.

I feel sympathy for your wife. You say many times she is lazy, you find obesity unattractive, she does not look after herself and you did say something like you wouldn't hold her hand because she's a grown woman so should do it herself. Based on this thread, that seems a little unsupportive to me (others imply you're a caring man so apologies if that's way off the mark). 

Imagining myself in her position, I would have zero self-esteem right now (and I believe low self-esteem is often a catalyst for over-eating). 

Is she aware of how repulsive you find her weight? Have you made absolutely transparent your feelings? I figure if she knows it could lead to divorce, it may be the shock she needs to make changes.

You say she earns a good income so preumably she can't possibly be 'lazy' at work. Is her job stressful?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> You guys have no clue about BMI.....all clueless here.
> 
> I weight train. That means I am more muscular, stronger and leaner than those who do nothing and are the same weight. Anyone who is into health, nutrition and weight training knows this.
> 
> ...


A bunch of "it's all her fault" nonsense. 

Ftr, both Blondilocks and I used a BMI calculator to arrive at the numbers, based on your own posts telling your height/weight and your wife's. Your BMI is roughly 28. Hers is roughly 30. Different makeups, but using BMI calculator ALONE, you are overweight and she is narrowly into obese. I searched for photos,of women with her approximate build/BMI. Nope. Sorry. Still don't see the "it's all her fault I can't fully penetrate". I think most of it is frame of mind. You are disgusted by her body, and that affects your interest in intercourse with her. And, because of that, it also affects the quality of the sex.

Also, I wouldn't want your sympathy, even if you offered it. You are right about one thing, though. Our lives are whatever we make them. I was ashamed of MYSELF when I was almost 500 pounds. I did do something about it. And I do what I am physically capable of doing, even now. It wouldn't be up to your standards, but thankfully, I don't have to worry about what you think of me. I am 41 years old, definitely not within your standards, yet I must be doing SOMETHING right. I have a happy husband (happy with me, our life, even with other outside problems), great friends... and even strange children (10 year old daughter's classmates) thinking I am much younger than I am. Even a woman who is almost young enough to be my daughter was floored when I told her my age. I showed her my license and she still didn't want to believe it. 

Are you sure her friends are actually obese, or are they just larger than YOUR standards? Again, good thing they don't have to please you, right? 😊

Good luck with your wife. I hope she makes the changes she needs, but for herself. 

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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

CynthiaDe said:


> I think your demanding, demeaning attitude towards your wife is hurting your wife. No wonder she doesn't have any motivation to do better in the marriage and spends so much time on the phone with her family. She obviously isn't getting emotional support from you. Instead she is a fat, unattractive, lazy, foolish, disappointment to you. You're never going to see a change in the direction you want it. As long as you hang onto your view that you are right and must be obeyed in the things you have outlined, your marriage will continue to go down hill as the distance between you grows.
> 
> I feel bad for your wife. Does she ever tell you that you're mean?


I'll be honest here... he said there will be updates. I'm hoping the next update is that she has told him to back off and that his constant harping is why she does it...to tick him off. 😊

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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

ukf32 said:


> I've read this thread and don't frequent the forum often so am responding only to what I see on the thread, no judgement based on any previous posts.
> 
> I feel sympathy for your wife. You say many times she is lazy, you find obesity unattractive, she does not look after herself and you did say something like you wouldn't hold her hand because she's a grown woman so should do it herself. Based on this thread, that seems a little unsupportive to me (others imply you're a caring man so apologies if that's way off the mark).
> 
> ...




Mrs.CuddleBug had zero self esteem when we first were dating.......insecure about her size, eating badly, etc. She did nothing about it back then.

Today, she still has major self esteem issues........insecure about her size but eats better. She still does nothing about it today.

This has nothing to do with me. She is an adult grown woman. She has control over what she eats, when and how much and if she wants to go to a gym. All her choices.

She's not a child and clueless, needing her hand held, right?


She has a career she enjoys. Yes, it keeps her busy but she loves it. Even gets half of her car maintenance and gas covered, big bonuses, and they treat her really well. It can't be her job and pay.


I did the extreme emotional support, lots of cuddling, talking, and she loves it. But it doesn't change the fact she needs to go to a gym and eat better. That didn't change anything but it made her feel good.


It's almost like I married a girl in a woman's body.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> I'll be honest here... he said there will be updates. I'm hoping the next update is that she has told him to back off and that his constant harping is why she does it...to tick him off. 😊
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk




I will say nothing to Mrs.CuddleBug about a gym, diet and getting in shape. I will be positive and more supportive. Done.

BUT if nothing changes on her part, months later, you are full of it.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> I will say nothing to Mrs.CuddleBug about a gym, diet and getting in shape. I will be positive and more supportive. Done.
> 
> BUT if nothing changes on her part, months later, you are full of it.


This is not a change. This is more of the same controlling, demanding attitude. You are just saying that if you do some particular action it should have a response from your wife that you want/expect/demand. She is not an object. She is your wife!

A couple of months of faked kindness isn't going to do you any good. And it's only going to confuse her and upset her more in the long run. The more I read of what you write, the more I think you should leave her asap. She doesn't need that kind of negativity in her life.

Edited to delete incorrect information.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

@CynthiaDe, no, he said 230-ish. Which gives her a BMI of about 30...and his is about 28. But, they are close in height AND weight. And looking at pictures online... though BMI calculator says marginally obese, the women look average. Average is not acceptable to CB. Average is fat and lazy to him. 

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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> A bunch of "it's all her fault" nonsense.
> 
> Ftr, both Blondilocks and I used a BMI calculator to arrive at the numbers, based on your own posts telling your height/weight and your wife's. Your BMI is roughly 28. Hers is roughly 30. Different makeups, but using BMI calculator ALONE, you are overweight and she is narrowly into obese. I searched for photos,of women with her approximate build/BMI. Nope. Sorry. Still don't see the "it's all her fault I can't fully penetrate". I think most of it is frame of mind. You are disgusted by her body, and that affects your interest in intercourse with her. And, because of that, it also affects the quality of the sex.
> 
> ...



I weight trained most of my life, with an owner who is a professional body builder at his spa/gym. He told me all about BMI and how people who don't weight train, stick to the BMI numbers because they don't have a clue what they're talking about. And I see this over and over again. You are this or that weight, your BMI is too great, you need to lose weight. Yet these people aren't weight training and don't have muscle mass, only FAT. BMI applies to those who don't have muscle mass and are just fat. My blood pressure proves that. My body builder friend who competed, would laugh at you guys about my BMI number is too high but you don't weight train. A man who is 250 lbs muscle, smaller waist, good blood pressure, but his BMI is too high so he's fat and has to lose weight? Absolute nonsense. Someone who is 250+ lbs, no muscle mass, large waist, high blood pressure, they need to lose weight.

Were you born at 500 lbs? No.

Did getting to 500 lbs happen over night because of one cheat meal? No.

Getting to 500 lbs takes years of bad diet and not physically taking care of yourself. All your choices.

Don't get mad and blame others, its all you.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> I will say nothing to Mrs.CuddleBug about a gym, diet and getting in shape. I will be positive and more supportive. Done.
> 
> BUT if nothing changes on her part, months later, you are full of it.


Like I said... I hope she wakes up and makes the changes SHE needs to make, not what YOU want her to make. You are free to believe what you wish (that I am "full of it")... I can say the same about you. But, since you are full of yourself... 😊

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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

CynthiaDe said:


> This is not a change. This is more of the same controlling, demanding attitude. You are just saying that if you do some particular action it should have a response from your wife that you want/expect/demand. She is not an object. She is your wife!
> 
> A couple of months of faked kindness isn't going to do you any good. And it's only going to confuse her and upset her more in the long run. The more I read of what you write, the more I think you should leave her asap. She doesn't need that kind of negativity in her life.
> 
> Based on the data that you gave about your wife's size, she is not obese enough to impede penetration, nor is she terribly overweight. Is she really 5' 10" and under 200 lbs? If she is, you have severely misrepresented her level of obesity.



All you're doing is defending a large lady who chose not to take care of herself, now she's obese and yet its somehow not her fault, poor her and she doesn't have to take responsibility for her body. More emotional support, talking, no pushing her to get in shape will somehow now work...........if that was the case, she wouldn't of let herself go in the first place.

She chose not to take care of herself. No one to blame or get mad at but herself.


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## ukf32 (Jul 10, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Mrs.CuddleBug had zero self esteem when we first were dating.......insecure about her size, eating badly, etc. She did nothing about it back then.
> 
> Today, she still has major self esteem issues........insecure about her size but eats better. She still does nothing about it today.
> 
> ...


The reason I asked about her job is not because of all its positives. The reason I asked was because well-paid jobs usually contribute to stress, stress can contribute to over-eating. If she's exhausted from work, I wonder if this is exacerbating the situation.

To me, your attitude to this is a little bizarre. She sounds like the perfect woman, apart from she's too heavy/ has a low sex drive. Both of which are solvable. A hard road, granted. But she doesn't sound like she is able to take the first step in that road herself. Is it possible that you just don't want her anymore and are legitimising that with blame?

Have you considered the possibility that your disdain for her is a contributing factor? If she's unhappy with her weight, she probably feels ugly and worthless. If the feelings you have explained here are as clear to her, she will be feeling more ugly and worthless. If she doesn't believe she is worth it, she won't try to change. I know that's unlikely to make sense to you. Have you tried focussing on positives for a while? Letting her know the things you do value about her?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> I weight trained most of my life, with an owner who is a professional body builder at his spa/gym. He told me all about BMI and how people who don't weight train, stick to the BMI numbers because they don't have a clue what they're talking about. And I see this over and over again. You are this or that weight, your BMI is too great, you need to lose weight. Yet these people aren't weight training and don't have muscle mass, only FAT. BMI applies to those who don't have muscle mass and are just fat. My blood pressure proves that. My body builder friend who competed, would laugh at you guys about my BMI number is too high but you don't weight train. A man who is 250 lbs muscle, smaller waist, good blood pressure, but his BMI is too high so he's fat and has to lose weight? Absolute nonsense. Someone who is 250+ lbs, no muscle mass, large waist, high blood pressure, they need to lose weight.
> 
> Were you born at 500 lbs? No.
> 
> ...


Lol you are too funny, CB. I never said it happened overnight. Funny thing. You assume that it ALL happened because I ate a poor diet for years, didn't take care of myself, etc. You do realize that there ARE people who don't fit into your little box, right? That there ARE people who eat properly, exercise, yet still gain, right? And, that some of those people have normal blood pressure, normal blood sugar/a1c, etc? My blood pressure and blood sugar has never been high. Even at my top weight. My doctors wete even surprised. Not everyone fits into your cute little wrapped up package. And weight training isn't the be all/end all, either.

You assume I am mad at others? LMAO!! Not even close. Good try, though. 😂

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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> All you're doing is defending a large lady who chose not to take care of herself, now she's obese and yet its somehow not her fault, poor her and she doesn't have to take responsibility for her body. More emotional support, talking, no pushing her to get in shape will somehow now work...........if that was the case, she wouldn't of let herself go in the first place.


Sorry, I deleted the information about her weight in my post as it was incorrect.

I never said it isn't her fault that she's obese. She is responsible for her personal health and her weight. Whether she takes responsibility or not is not something you can force her to do. I don't think more emotional support is going to make any difference, because your so called emotional support is not out of love for your wife. It is due to you trying to control her and to get what you want from her. That is not really emotional support. It is manipulation and it's mean. You are being mean to your wife. Your attitude towards your wife is horrid. You are contributing to her problem and probably making it worse.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Like I said... I hope she wakes up and makes the changes SHE needs to make, not what YOU want her to make. You are free to believe what you wish (that I am "full of it")... I can say the same about you. But, since you are full of yourself... 😊
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk




I took care of myself....you didn't.

Doesn't mean I'm high on myself at all. It means I took responsibility for my body. No one pushed me to do this. I took the initiative. I worked 10 hour shifts, weight trained and grocery shopped after work. Again, no one pushed me to do this, Mrs.CuddleBug didn't push me either. I did for my health and for her.....fit hubby or obese hubby......not rocket science.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> All you're doing is defending a large lady who chose not to take care of herself, now she's obese and yet its somehow not her fault, poor her and she doesn't have to take responsibility for her body. More emotional support, talking, no pushing her to get in shape will somehow now work...........if that was the case, she wouldn't of let herself go in the first place.
> 
> She chose not to take care of herself. No one to blame or get mad at but herself.


And all you are doing is condemning a woman you claim to love. You keep saying she disgusts you. Now, I wonder if she has happened to come across your account on here, possibly seen your posts... In a way, I hope not. It would certainly be devastating to have to read that my spouse is telling strangers that I am disgusting to him. But then, if she did come across these posts, she would see who she is really married to... which might motivate her to make changes... and not the ones you are wanting. 😁

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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I took care of myself from the beginning for my health and Mrs.CuddleBug. No complaints on her end.

She chose to do nothing. When married, you are to take care of yourself and for your other half. Fit hubby or obese hubby......fit wife or obese wife.......


It's sad that the larger ladies here, try to blame that on someone else or their hubbies, that they need more emotional support, talking, etc.....they don't take complete responsibility for their choices in life that got them to the size they are today. Got to blame someone else, talk about it more and in the end, talk is just that, talk.

Mrs.CuddleBug is a grown adult woman. Her choices got to her size today. Simple as that.

She ate what she wished, didn't take care of her body like she wished and now she is what she is today. All her choices.

People need to take complete responsibility of their bodies and quit blaming their issues on others.

When that actually happens, watch the fast and positive changes.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> I took care of myself....you didn't.
> 
> Doesn't mean I'm high on myself at all. It means I took responsibility for my body. No one pushed me to do this. I took the initiative. I worked 10 hour shifts, weight trained and grocery shopped after work. Again, no one pushed me to do this, Mrs.CuddleBug didn't push me either. I did for my health and for her.....fit hubby or obese hubby......not rocket science.


Sigh... you enjoy making assumptions about people, don't you? First, you are correct that getting to 450+ pounds (note, I did not say I was AT 500, only that I was getting close to it) did not happen overnight. But, you are wrong about how long it took to get to that point. Unfortunately, you are in a frame of mind that even when presented with facts about HOW it happens, you refuse to accept it. When someone tells you that YOUR method isn't the right fit for EVERYONE, you refuse to accept it. 

No, you did it for yourself. You hoped to mold her into the woman you WANT, rather than love the woman she IS. YOU are the only one who refuses to see this. You think you can turn her into the cookie cutter wife you want. You can't. She is a person. With feelings. Feelings you don't want to acknowledge, only concerning yourself with what YOU want. 

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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> It's sad that the larger ladies here, try to blame that on someone else or their hubbies, that they need more emotional support, talking, etc.....they don't take complete responsibility for their choices in life that got them to the size they are today. Got to blame someone else, talk about it more and in the end, talk is just that, talk.
> 
> Mrs.CuddleBug is a grown adult woman. Her choices got to her size today. Simple as that.
> 
> ...


I am not what anyone would consider to be a large woman. I am a petite woman. I am also not saying that your wife's size is your fault. I am, however, saying that your attitude towards your wife is mean and unrealistic. You are demanding and demeaning towards your wife.

You are so caught up in what your wife should do, but you don't seem to understand your personal responsibility in the relationship to live up to your marriage vows, particularly the one to love your wife. Your attitude is unloving.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

lucy999 said:


> Since money is a non-issue, have both of you explored hiring a personal trainer to come to the house? I am willing to bet that she feels extremely uncomfortable going out in public and working up a sweat.
> 
> Gyms can be very intimidating. It can be a huge mental hurdle to get there.



I know this first hand. Very true. But I plowed through that and in a short time period, got over it and no more issues.

But yes, it is a little intimidating at first but nothing you can't handle.

You can pick a gym of your choosing, male or female trainer, all choices.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

CB,

People need to take complete responsibility for their LIVES and quit blaming their issues on others. 




CuddleBug said:


> I took care of myself from the beginning for my health and Mrs.CuddleBug. No complaints on her end.
> 
> She chose to do nothing. When married, you are to take care of yourself and for your other half. Fit hubby or obese hubby......fit wife or obese wife.......
> 
> ...


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## ukf32 (Jul 10, 2012)

You seem so condescending and attacking other people on here for their life choices or their situation shows a clear lack of empathy. Perhaps this is frustration. Do you not see how damaging this attitude could be to your wife though?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

MEM2020 said:


> CB,
> 
> People need to take complete responsibility for their LIVES and quit blaming their issues on others.



I took complete responsibility of my body, health, diet and now that I'm older, it really shows. No one made me do this or pushed me to do this. 100% my choices in life. I don't blame that on anyone or say Mrs.CuddleBug forced me somehow to do this. 100% responsibility and initiative on my end. I don't need emotional support, talking, etc.......I got it done.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

CB, don't you find it awfully convenient nearly everyone in this thread thinks you are being controlling except you?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I find it interesting how you assume that women who are trying to get through to you how your attitude is a huge problem in your marriage are classified as "larger women." There is one woman here who said she had been overweight. Like I said, I am petite. I workout 3-6 times per week and eat a healthy diet to keep my weight down and my energy levels up. I am far from large.

By changing the subject to your perceived idea of what size the ladies here are rather than to the real problem of your attitude towards your wife, you escape taking any responsibility for your attitude. What we are trying to say is that your attitude towards your wife is a huge problem and is contributing to your unhappiness in your marriage and is hurting your wife.

I do understand the BMI issue. I weight more than I did used to, but wear a smaller size due to being so much more fit than I used to be. I have less fat and more muscle than I did before I started a serious exercise routine and limited my carbohydrates.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

ukf32 said:


> You seem so condescending and attacking other people on here for their life choices or their situation shows a clear lack of empathy. Perhaps this is frustration. Do you not see how damaging this attitude could be to your wife though?



Everything aside, Mrs.CuddleBug is master of her body. No one else makes her not exercise and eat what she wishes.


She is an adult grown woman and not a child.


If Mrs.CuddleBug took care of herself, for her health, her own initiative, and no its not going to be quick and easy, I'd see that she is making an effort, instead of nothing.


Again, Mrs.CuddleBug is the size she is due to her choices in life.


When she takes 100% responsibility of her body, no excuses and blaming others, that will be a life changer day for her. Finally break her vicious circle.


I didn't make her do anything and were she is today.


No more blaming others, take responsibility. Put the emotions aside and take responsibility. 

I have empathy for those who do take care of themselves, make no excuses, don't blame others for their choices in life and are trying. Complete empathy.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> No more blaming others, take responsibility. Put the emotions aside and take responsibility.


Well then... It appears the two of you have something in common.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Dude you are SOOOOO far off the deep end you can't even see normal.

Yeah I get the BMI thing - I'm 5'8" and 250 and probably can stand to lose 60 lbs but I work out hard, have solid muscle, have decent BP and no real weight related health issues. I'll likely die from cancer which I have that strikes randomly so your whole notion about weight and health is off the mark. There are many other things that get people in the long run.

The other thing is this: many people are just peachy with a physique that you find repulsive - as in - nothing to see here. Nothing to do. No problems, mate. Fine with who I am.

Your notion that "taking care of yourself" means a lean body is by NO means commonly accepted. In fact, I'd say right about the line of obese - according to the BMI computations - is the modern "normal" and very acceptable.

I don't make the rules but I do see what people clearly put out there. In today's society YOU are the one completely out of touch and obsessed with something almost no one else cares about.

When I go to the gym, my trainer says he rarely sees anyone who does anything to benefit themselves. Thin girls / women run the treadmill every time, getting almost no benefit and actually doing harm since they are focusing on half the muscles used in the process. Guys pump ridiculous amounts of weight with their arms and leave out most muscle groups. Most sit on their phones. People have come up to him and talked about me - one guy told him "man TTH looks like the guy that used to be inside the old TTH" like the old me had eaten me ha ha. But my trainer says WTH do they think - the difference is I work hard and they don't. Anyway this aside is just my opinion about working out - and I've been doing this a few years and still have 60 lbs to lose. It's way harder work than 90% of people are willing to do.

People hire the "fittest looking" trainer and they don't know what they're doing.

So I don't know what you expect to happen with your wife. I suspect she is either ok with her weight and won't do anything about it, or is defeated because you find her repulsive and won't do anything about it.

The only chance I see of her doing anything is if she somehow had fun with you doing something she enjoyed that a third party recommended. Like taking up dancing or walking with you or riding a bike or golfing, etc. There has to be something in it for her - and just losing weight is too much of a meh issue to warrant the effort.

Just my $.02. And FYI I've been trying to get my w to take up anything for a few years - and she's thin and fit. But I know her muscle mass is low and as we're in our 50's I know she'll have to work hard to build sufficient muscle mass to ensure she can enjoy the active life she leads for the next several decades. She wouldn't have to lose a pound and she still can't bring herself to make it a priority. My DD15 who started a daily routine with weights can't motivate mom. So I think you're up a creek.

So I'd say start easing into BBW porn, a little every day, until you can get aroused. It's the quickest path to your happiness 


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> I know this first hand. Very true. But I plowed through that and in a short time period, got over it and no more issues.
> 
> But yes, it is a little intimidating at first but nothing you can't handle.
> 
> You can pick a gym of your choosing, male or female trainer, all choices.


But have you explored the possibility of a personal trainer coming to your house for private sessions? Could you visit that option? You managed to get over the gym hurdle, but not everyone can. You say that it's nothing you can't handle, but how do you know that is true for your wife?

And I mean no disrespect, but your attitude about this issue is indeed unloving. Your responses are quite visceral and vitriolic. 

Just because you were and are capable of doing the very hard work of becoming and staying fit, doesn't mean that it is easy for your wife. Clearly it is not. And I will tell you something: even if you don't say one word to your wife, I firmly believe she can feel and see the hatred and disgust emanating from you. 

And although I am not a fan of his, I will parrot what Doctor Phil often says: the way you are treating her: how's it working for ya? The answer is, it's not. You have got to change the tide on this. You have got to figure out a way to be accepting and embracing of your wife. If you can't, then let her go.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

I think what this all boils down to is that you are unhappy and disgusted with your wife for not taking care of herself and letting her weight get out of hand.

Well I have a simple solution for you and it does not involve any input or action from your wife at all.... 

Leave your wife and go find a woman who weight trains and believes in being fit and active and stop brow beating and shaming your wife.

She is not the problem here, you are! She is not the one that is unhappy and complaining all the time, you are!

You know I often wonder if you married this poor woman so you could play the victim and make yourself feel superior an feed your large ego.

You're a grown man, so stopping whining like a little boy and be a man and either accept your wife for who she is or pack your bags and leave. 

It really is that simple, for your sake I hope your wife realizes what she has done to herself and her marriage by letting her health go, but don't be surprised if she loses all the weight and get's hot that she comes to the conclusion that maybe she could do better. Happens all the time..


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> I took care of myself from the beginning for my health and Mrs.CuddleBug. No complaints on her end.
> 
> She chose to do nothing. When married, you are to take care of yourself and for your other half. Fit hubby or obese hubby......fit wife or obese wife.......
> 
> ...


And, yet, I am in a loving, happy marriage... go figure. 

Any bad choices I have made in my life, I own them. Why would I blame my husband for my own choices? Why would I blame someone else for anything I chose to do, myself? I mean, I suppose I could blame my parents for making me eat my veggies. I could blame the church for putting on healthy cooking classes so I could learn how to make delicious, nutritious foods. I could blame my gym teachers for making me exercise everyday. I could blame the schools for making me play outside. Or my coach for making me practice after school almost everyday, and for making me play in the games? Nope. All my choices.

It's ok, though. I have no problem owning the choices in my life... including surgical intervention when all other methods failed to help me. And, yes, I did make honest efforts before resorting to surgery. 

Say what you wish about my being a larger woman. But, I have a husband who loves me, and has never implied to me that I disgusted him, even when I was disgusted with myself. Funny thing about that. I actually asked him about that, once I had lost about 150 pounds. I asked him how he could have been attracted to me at that weight. His answer? He loved/loves me. His job was to HELP me choose the better options, not force them on me. He was with me, in sickness and in health. He was there when I was hospitalized, before we married, because of a fractured hip. And no, not because of my size, either. It was a car accident... something I had NO control over. And he was with me when I was frustrated at not being able to WALK, confined to a wheelchair most of the time, when the pounds added up, no matter how LITTLE I ate, nor how much physical activity I was capable of doing while still recuperating. But, you go ahead and keep making your assumptions about WHY I got to the size I did. You go ahead and ASSUME I was constantly stuffing my face, sitting on my behind, doing nothing. I know the truth.

Maybe your wife has just given up. Maybe she is simply feeding off the vibes she gets from YOU, that she knows that you are disgusted with her and figures there is no point. I really don't know. But, I can truthfully say, with every post you make, I am pulling for her. I hope she makes the right choices for HERSELF, and not out of fear of losing a man who is disgusted by her.

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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

CharlieParker said:


> Sorry for your situation. Would you be ok with her losing 70lbs while still only wanting sex once monthly? What about heavy and HD?


I think this was a good question, if your wife was more interested in sex, would the weight be less of an issue? 

What's the point of her being slim if she still isn't interested in sex with you?

Being healthy doesn't mean that your sex drive automatically comes back. 



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## ukf32 (Jul 10, 2012)

"If you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious. You may belittle or look down on people you perceive as inferior. You may feel a sense of entitlement — and when you don't receive special treatment, you may become impatient or angry. You may insist on having "the best" of everything — for instance, the best car, athletic club or medical care.

At the same time, you have trouble handling anything that may be perceived as criticism. You may have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation. To feel better, you may react with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make yourself appear superior."


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> Everything aside, Mrs.CuddleBug is master of her body. No one else makes her not exercise and eat what she wishes.


Exactly. You cannot make her change. The choice belongs to her. She's made that choice, but you refuse to accept her choice or her.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

To summarize,


- I cannot get upset about Mrs.CuddleBug not taking care of her body
- I cannot get upset she didn't eat so healthy
- She doesn't have to take complete responsibility for the choices she made getting her to were she is today
- I am supposed to still be supportive and have empathy.
- this is somehow my fault
- I am to be even more emotionally supportive
- again, its not her fault somehow
- I am bad to her, mean and its my fault


This is exactly what's going on here. Not taking responsibility for the choices we made in life and getting upset that we are really the ones to blame.


You are defending a woman that isn't taking care of herself for her health and marriage. That's a basic responsibility and part of being an adult.


All I'm seeing are large ladies here, defending other large ladies for not taking care of themselves and blaming others for everything.


I chose to take care of myself, my health, my marriage and you chose to do nothing and got your results. This is taking responsibility and being an adult. 


So being in shape is Narcissistic? Going to a gym, being fit, eating healthy, that's Narcissistic? So everyone that does take care of themselves are Narcissistic?


Another way to blame others that actually did take care of themselves........just another excuse.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> Mrs.CuddleBug said to me today, we don't do that much together and communicate, etc. I told her, you have a very low sex drive and need to lose 80+ lbs. I don't see you doing anything and that would go a very long way. No response from Mrs.CuddleBug.


What a horrible, contemptuous and condescending attitude to take with your wife! Do you hear yourself talking? She probably thinks you HATE her and why would she want to do anything you want?

Maybe try saying something like "you're right honey, we should spend more time together. Want to take an evening walk and talk with me?"



CuddleBug said:


> I'd say we have a great marriage, just not a physical sexual marriage.


I doubt your wife thinks it's a great marriage, if you treat her the way you described above.



CuddleBug said:


> Its sad that LD spouses never have to change, we shouldn't of married them, its all our fault, etc.
> 
> How about this? LD spouses know they are LD and why don't they do some changing? Why is it one sided?


That's just the way LD is. It's intrinsic and they can't change it any more than you can change HD. The solution is part ways, not to expect her to magically change with weight loss.




CuddleBug said:


> Mrs.CuddleBug is a kind, loving, smart, caring woman. Great qualities in a wife. True.


That explains why she puts up with your attitude.



CuddleBug said:


> If Mrs.CuddleBug got off her butt, got in shape, made up for the last 17 years of 1x month sex, yah, I'd be the happiest guy out there. No question about that.


I doubt that very much. You simply sound like a mean guy, and that doesn't change without hard work on your part.

If your wife suddenly got in shape, she's not going to want to have more sex with you. She'll still be an LD person, and you'd still be a jerk.



CuddleBug said:


> Any woman that only wants sex 1x month, is not for me.


So why stay married to one?



CuddleBug said:


> A loving and sexual wife should be taking care of her mans needs and rocking his world, out of love and take care of his needs as her own and being his wife. This goes the other way as well, us guys taking care of our ladies needs.
> 
> If the guy is always physically and sexually starved, the wife isn't being very loving and taking care of him. Only herself.


That is a very selfish attitude! Sex isn't something the wife does for the man, like a chore. Sex is a mutual pleasure, to be had at a mutually agreed upon frequency. If you don't find your partner's frequency to your satisfaction, you don't marry that person, you keep dating until you find a more compatible one!

You have an antiquated idea of marriage, if you think the woman is supposed to be a sex toy for the husband no matter what her feelings are, and you're sharing your upset on TAM because she's not holding up her end of this imagined bargain you have.



CynthiaDe said:


> I think your demanding, demeaning attitude towards your wife is hurting your wife. No wonder she doesn't have any motivation to do better in the marriage and spends so much time on the phone with her family. She obviously isn't getting emotional support from you. Instead she is a fat, unattractive, lazy, foolish, disappointment to you. You're never going to see a change in the direction you want it. As long as you hang onto your view that you are right and must be obeyed in the things you have outlined, your marriage will continue to go down hill as the distance between you grows.
> 
> I feel bad for your wife. Does she ever tell you that you're mean?


She's probably too nice to say something like that, but I have no doubt that she feels it.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> To summarize,
> 
> 
> - I cannot get upset about Mrs.CuddleBug not taking care of her body
> ...


No. This is what you are interpreting. 

What is really being said is:
- Don't assume she can do all you can do. She is not you.
- The state of your marriage is as much her responsibility as yours.
- Make a decision... stay or go. You have been at this for FIVE YEARS, complaining about her weight, trying to trick her into doing what you want. Just stop it. 
- We are all speculating on her frame of mind, based on how YOU post. Just tell her that you are not happy, and why. You will have your answer, based on how she responds.
- I think you are actually afraid that she will decide to walk away, rather than conform to what you WANT her to be, and that is why you prefer sitting at your computer (or on your phone), complaining. And that is why you don't actually DO anything, where she is concerned, on this front... fear.

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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

CuddleBug, at the risk of getting stoned by the collective (or ostracized) I should point out that you may be running into the usual TAM groupthink. It's your fault no matter what...

I'm 20 lb overweight. Used to be 35-40, dropped 15-20 by cycling. To get those 20 lb off at 57 is not easy. Food is a good thing. I'm not blaming anyone else. 

I could starve and do it but it's not worth it. My health is good by what Dr. Quack says. 

I wish I could dump all the worries of the world and exercise 2 or 3 hours a day like the Mrs. But that's how it is. Some people see the light, some don't.


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## ukf32 (Jul 10, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> To summarize,
> 
> 
> - I cannot get upset about Mrs.CuddleBug not taking care of her body
> ...


Taking care of yourself is not narcissistic. Belittling and even vilifying others because you don't like what they say is a verified trait of this type of personality disorder.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> All I'm seeing are large ladies here, defending other large ladies for not taking care of themselves and blaming others for everything.


Lol i dont see scores of large ladies here as you state. I certainly dont have a perfect body, far from it, but i work out regularly and try hard to eat clean.

I'm defending not only large ladies, but large people in general. It's one of the most accepted prejudices we have. My father was a large man. After he passed, my mom found a journal dad kept of all the nasty comments he'd receive from the guys at work.

To wit:

"They said they were bringing out the big guns, but i didnt know they literally meant the BIG guns." 

This journal was page after page, years of insults. Mom and i cried for hours after she discovered the journal. We had no idea. As a child, i had to deal with people sneering and laughing at him while we were in an elevator.

My boss is a large man, too. 

So ill admit im pretty protective of those who show disdain for large people. I hate people classifying them as lazy or " sitting around and stuffing their faces all day." Its truly hateful and offensive. 

im defending your wife against your palpable disgust for her body. If i felt that hate emanting from literal strangers toward my boss and dad and from you, a stranger on the internet, i KNOW your wife feels the burn from you tenfold. Someone shes supposed to trust loves her unconditionally. Sadly, you dont.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Quit defending LD spouses......marriage is 50 / 50, not 99 / 01.


Too many posts here about how LD's never change for anyone and that's very selfish and in it for themselves.


If HD spouses can change and adapt, LD spouses can do the same.


Sex is not a chore. Sex is what a loving hubby and wife do for that intimate connection. To see sex as a chore, you have issues that need addressing. Professional help.


If someone doesn't take care of themselves, guess what, they are at fault and no one else. Period.


From the very beginning we got married, the sex was minimal 1x month and I was still very supportive. But many years of that takes its toll and if marriage isn't 50 / 50, that's not right and I dialed it back accordingly. Marriage is 50 / 50, not 99 / 01 with excuses.


Mrs.CuddleBug has taken no responsibility and I still am not even allowed to get angry. That's bad and its my fault somehow.


I took care of myself and I'm Narcissistic. She let herself go, obese and its okay.


I am to love her unconditionally but she doesn't have to take care or herself and have a healthy sex drive.


I had issues dialing back my sex drive but its the LD way or the highway, that's not 50 / 50.


When LD's don't change that's okay. But HD's are expected to do all the changing. That's not taking care of the other halves needs as your own. That's a LD only taking care of themselves.


A loving and sexual wife should be taking care of her mans needs and rocking his world, out of love and take care of his needs as her own and being his wife. This goes the other way as well, us guys taking care of our ladies needs in the same manner.


If the guy is always physically and sexually starved, the wife isn't being very loving and taking care of him. Only herself. When married, you are not your own anymore.


When I married Mrs.CuddleBug, I cut the cords with my parents. She is now my life. My parents and sister, etc. are secondary in all things.


I am very empathetic to those who make a real effort. Of course. But those who do not, what do you really expect? Have your cake and eat it too?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Not one post here on:


- how someone who was obese lost weight?

- what did they do?

- details?



Not one post here on:


- I am LD but l learned to do the following to better meet my HD spouses needs

- what did my HD spouse do, so I was more receptive?

- Details?



That's what I'm talking about. Not LD and out of shape spouses that aren't willing to change and take responsibility for their choices in life.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> A loving and sexual wife should be taking care of her mans needs and rocking his world, out of love and take care of his needs as her own and being his wife. This goes the other way as well, us guys taking care of our ladies needs in the same manner.


But what if her needs are not the same as yours? What if your wife's need is unconditional acceptance from you, not you rocking her world sexually? 

Listen, I am not trying to be obtuse. I get what you are saying. Sex and attraction is very important in a relationship. 

But man, you have GOT to assuage your anger in some other way.


You sound selfish. Just because they are your needs doesn't mean theyre her needs. You need to get off that train. Everyone is different.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

lucy999 said:


> But what if her needs are not the same as yours? What if your wife's need is unconditional acceptance from you, not you rocking her world sexually?
> 
> Listen, I am not trying to be obtuse. I get what you are saying. Sex and attraction is very important in a relationship.
> 
> ...




A selfish spouse is one who withholds sex and makes excuses not to have sex, starving their hubby or wife. That's not what a loving marriage is about.


I'm selfish? I'm not the one that's never in the mood, no intimacy, no sex. I would love to go down on Mrs.CuddleBug every day, but that will never happen.


I took care of myself for my health and her........I'm selfish?


No, that's backwards.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

No more defending LD's.

No more defending those who let themselves go.



What I am wanting to learn is:


- how someone who was obese lost weight?

- what did they do?

- details?



- I am LD but l learned to do the following to better meet my HD spouses needs

- what did my HD spouse do, so I was more receptive?

- Details?



*Time for advice and what works. That's what I'm looking for.*


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Quit defending LD spouses......marriage is 50 / 50, not 99 / 01.
> 
> 
> Too many posts here about how LD's never change for anyone and that's very selfish and in it for themselves.
> ...


No one has said anything even resembling what you are saying. You are lashing out because people are saying she is being true to who SHE is, and not forcing herself to be who you WANT her to be. What we ARE saying is that you can either continue as you are, or move on. Her weight is not going to change her sex drive. And no one is saying that a HD HAS to adapt to a LD. Just as no one is saying LD HAS to adapt to HD. You can address the compatibility issue and work out a compromise... OR part ways. OR keep the elephant in the room and keep sulking, wallowing in the self pity. Your choice. 

So, you mention cutting the cord with parents/siblings/etc. So, my question is this... if they say something disparaging about you, does she jump to your defense, or does she join in with them? I ask for a reason. In the early years of my marriage, it was difficult adjusting from daughter/sister to wife, and then mother. My family has always been close. In fact, my dad has always been "Daddy" to us girls, and still is. He texts me throughout the day, or sends me PM's, too. And each night, he texts us, saying he loves us and hopes we sleep well. I talk to my sisters nearly everyday, too. But, if one of them chose to speak poorly about my husband, I would jump to his defense. If he was in the wrong, I would tell him, privately. My husband and children come first... but I am still close to my sisters and my dad (mom passed away almost 3 years ago).

You say you are empathetic to those who make a true effort... but who are you to determine whether someone had made those efforts or not? You were so quick to jump on me and my size, all without knowing the whole story. And you tried to shame me... again, without knowing my story. Now, you switch gears. You make assumptions about people, based on your own preconceived notions. We all do it, even I do. But own it. And, most importantly, stop assuming you know what got any given person to their current state. You don't know. Even now, you are making assumptions about Mrs.CB. But, do you REALLY know?? I think that would be an excellent start... talk to her and find out WHY she chooses the things she does. You might be surprised by what you learn. And, keep your mind OPEN. Don't shut down if she says something you don't particularly like. 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

CuddleBug said:


> No more defending LD's.
> 
> No more defending those who let themselves go.
> 
> ...




My wife was obese. 280 lbs. 

She lost 60 lbs without trying and without exercise.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I am the one who posted about your once saying you were attacted to a 16 year old co-worker on one of your previous jobs (one that you mentioned required small hands to put circuitry boards -- or something -- together quickly and wasn't really suited to you). 

That post was probably a year or so ago when you were looking for a new job (and you were trying out new areas of work) after being laid off. The girl's mom worked there, as I recall, and the girl may have just been helping out there on a temporary basis and was not a full-time employee. I remember the post because I thought it was unusual. 

Ring a bell?

PS
And, no, I am not large -- nor have I ever been.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Welp, if my spouse told me that I needed to lose 80 pounds and I'm not doing anything about it, I wouldn't be too keen on him touching me. If you truly said to her what you posted here, your delivery was horrible.

You appear to be inflexible and have little to no tolerance. And, I find your username to be quite contradictory. You do not sound like a cuddle bug at all. You sound very hard and cold.

I asked you, why haven't you talked to her about a private trainer coming to the house? What about a private Chef to help with some meals? Yeah, I know you can cook it. Yeah, I know you can show her how to exercise. But the point is to have you be distanced from the situation and have a third party come in and help her. You are not equipped to help her. You know why? Your negative attitude. It blows.You are sexually frustrated and are disgusted by your wife. Frankly, you should have no hand in helping her with this.. Is it because you don't want to spend the $$? Not everyone is cut out for the gym.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

CB,
C2 is well aware how unhappy you are with her. This isn't a communication issue. 

The stories about people losing weight or becoming more sexual for their spouse - are ALL the result of the over weight / LD person deciding that is what THEY wanted. 

What you want, are stories where an unhappy spouse was able to inspire/persuade their over weight / LD spouse to change. 

All those stories share a similar set of themes:
1. The heavy/LD spouse truly loved their partner and very much wanted to remain married
2. They had some desire to achieve the goals in question (maybe they were fit and sexual when younger and have fond memories of returning to that state)
3. They realize that continuing at present course and speed WILL kill the marriage

Most posters who come across as angry and unhappy - look at that list and conclude that only (3) is true. Which I imagine is the case for you. I'm not saying C2 dislikes you. Just that she isn't all that bothered by the idea of being divorced. 

I get the impression that you believe if we all agree that C2 is selfish and lazy - somehow that will help you. 

Newsflash: If you approach C2 and tell her that the folks on TAM took a vote and the result was: They UNANIMOUSLY agree you are a great husband, and she is a lazy, selfish wife. 

She would just shrug. 





CuddleBug said:


> Not one post here on:
> 
> 
> - how someone who was obese lost weight?
> ...


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> Not one post here on:.


That's what groupthink is all about, CB.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> T
> All I'm seeing are large ladies here, defending other large ladies for not taking care of themselves and blaming others for everything.


You have been told that this isn't true. Not all of us are women and of the women here, not all of us are large. I am a small, thin, fit woman. This has nothing to do with me or my size. It is about your horrid attitude and unwillingness to face the truth. Even to the point that you are making things up on here about the people responding to you. The above quote is literally make believe that you are posting. It's factually false.

I told my husband about this thread and he said that I shouldn't post a bikini photo to prove my point. lol




CuddleBug said:


> Not one post here on:
> 
> 
> - how someone who was obese lost weight?
> ...


You keep harping on personal responsibility, but the only one of these that pertains to you is what an HD spouse could do so the LD spouse would be more receptive. No one can tell your wife how to make changes, because your wife is not here. You are the only one who can change the things you want changed. You cannot change your wife, yet you continue to be angry that she won't change for you.


CuddleBug said:


> I took care of myself for my health and her........I'm selfish?


You have repeatedly said that taking care of one's health is a personal responsibility, but now it's convenient to say you are doing it for her. Have you ever asked her if that's what she wants? Do you even know what she wants in a marriage with you?


----------



## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> What I am wanting to learn is:
> 
> - how someone who was obese lost weight?
> 
> ...


Obese people lose weight when being overweight gives them more problems than benefits.

Right now, your wife enjoys the pleasures of good food and avoids the hassle and unpleasantness of exercise. She also enjoys the benefits of being less sexually attractive to you because she doesn't enjoy sex with you. From the way you come across, I'm not surprised that she would enjoy snacking more than being a receptacle for your "man needs."

Nobody loses weight because people told them to. People lose weight because they WANT to. You have little to no control over what your wife wants.



CuddleBug said:


> What I am wanting to learn is:
> 
> - I am LD but l learned to do the following to better meet my HD spouses needs
> 
> ...


I don't think there is much an HD person can do to make a LD person more receptive to sex. The HD person would have to totally reframe sex in both their own mind and that of their LD partner. Sex would have to change from being about the HD's needs and into mutual enjoyment for BOTH partners.

About the only solution I can think of is for both people to seek out a sex therapist, so they can hear suggestions from a neutral third party.

If your wife isn't on board for either of those things (thinking about sex differently or talking to a therapist) all I can suggest is that you stop being so selfish and whiny and maybe your wife will start to believe you actually love her for her, and not for what wifely duties you think she is supposed to be performing.

I don't understand why you married this woman in the first place, and I don't understand why you remain married to her. It just doesn't seem like it was ever a good marriage to me. If you are not sexually compatible with one another, and neither of you is unwilling to change, why not just end the marriage?


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> No more defending LD's.
> 
> No more defending those who let themselves go.
> 
> ...


So now that things are not going the way you want them to you are changing the rules. Sounds a lot like how you have described your approach to your marriage.

You have been married to your wife for 17 years. You have told her how upset your are with not getting the sex you want and her not being thin enough for you. Instead of calling it quits so you can both find happiness elsewhere you continue to stay in an unhappy marriage with a woman you are extremely dissatisfied with. Why is that?


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

This is a good start.


More please......and what you did and what actually works, thx.


More details the better.


If you don't have anything to contribute that you did and actually works and helps, don't bother posting.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> What I am wanting to learn is:
> 
> 
> - how someone who was obese lost weight?
> ...


What did it for me was my son. I worked with my doctor to lose the weight. When attempts failed, I finally resorted to surgery. Some may think it is the easy way out, but it DEFINITELY is not. Most days, I can't even stand the smell of food, let alone eat it. So, I make sure I have protein/meal replacement shakes handy. 

But, back to the why. My son. One day, I looked at that cute little cherub face and knew that if I didn't take drastic action, I wouldn't see him grow up. So, I worked with my doctor, did everything he said, and ended up getting surgery. 

Now, 12.5 years later, I am still considered obese, but more active, and if I eat even one bite more than my stomach can handle, it ALL comes back up, and forget about eating for the rest of the day. At that point, I am lucky to be able to drink any water and keep it down. 

But, I truly do not believe your wife is at that point. And, as another pointed out, it had to be MY choice, no one else's. My husband couldn't make me. He couldn't push me into it. Even the OB nurse, when I had my firstborn, couldn't do it. I was 408 pounds the day my oldest was born. While lying in the hospital bed, recovering from my c-section, the OB who delivered my son asked the nurse to talk to me about weight loss surgery. I was not receptive at that point. 3 years later, however, was a different story... 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> What did it for me was my son. I worked with my doctor to lose the weight. When attempts failed, I finally resorted to surgery. Some may think it is the easy way out, but it DEFINITELY is not. Most days, I can't even stand the smell of food, let alone eat it. So, I make sure I have protein/meal replacement shakes handy.
> 
> But, back to the why. My son. One day, I looked at that cute little cherub face and knew that if I didn't take drastic action, I wouldn't see him grow up. So, I worked with my doctor, did everything he said, and ended up getting surgery.
> 
> ...




Thank you for sharing that. I'm in sponge mode....


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

CynthiaDe said:


> So now that things are not going the way you want them to you are changing the rules. Sounds a lot like how you have described your approach to your marriage.
> 
> You have been married to your wife for 17 years. You have told her how upset your are with not getting the sex you want and her not being thin enough for you. Instead of calling it quits so you can both find happiness elsewhere you continue to stay in an unhappy marriage with a woman you are extremely dissatisfied with. Why is that?



I bought a sex toy recently to use when Mrs.CuddleBug isn't in the mood.


Would that be a marriage breaker for you?


This way I never pester her for intimacy.


An acceptable option?


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Obese people lose weight when being overweight gives them more problems than benefits.
> 
> Right now, your wife enjoys the pleasures of good food and avoids the hassle and unpleasantness of exercise. She also enjoys the benefits of being less sexually attractive to you because she doesn't enjoy sex with you. From the way you come across, I'm not surprised that she would enjoy snacking more than being a receptacle for your "man needs."
> 
> ...




See, I'm always making sure Mrs.CuddleBug is well taken care of.

Today, she worked and I had the day off.

I did the dishes, bathroom dishes, whites and darks, bedroom made, garbage out, recycling done and I even bought a vegetable cutter machine that should be here soon as a surprise we can both use.

Am I just doing too much?

You nailed it, we are sexual opposites, very true. I learned that from TAM.

I've never actually told Mrs.CuddleBug lose weight. She knows without me saying anything. You know what I mean.

Actually, she buys me food treats on her way home so she can eat them and so we don't have sex......very predictable.

If I could kill my sex drive 50%, I would. It's horrible being in the mood most of the time and you're spouse isn't in the mood. I get grumpy.:frown2:


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> I bought a sex toy recently to use when Mrs.CuddleBug isn't in the mood.
> 
> 
> Would that be a marriage breaker for you?
> ...


I think that spouses should go to their spouse to have their sexual needs met, but if the other spouse is unwilling to meet those needs it is okay to masturbate. Using a tool for masturbation wouldn't bother me if I was unwilling to meet my husband's sexual needs. However, in 30+ years of marriage this has never happened.

I do understand that is must be frustrating for you that your wife does not meet your sexual needs, but I also realize that she has always been that way and you trying to change her isn't the answer. If you are finding other ways of meeting your sexual needs that do not bring harm to the marriage, I think that is a good idea.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

CynthiaDe said:


> You have been told that this isn't true. Not all of us are women and of the women here, not all of us are large. I am a small, thin, fit woman. This has nothing to do with me or my size. It is about your horrid attitude and unwillingness to face the truth. Even to the point that you are making things up on here about the people responding to you. The above quote is literally make believe that you are posting. It's factually false.
> 
> I told my husband about this thread and he said that I shouldn't post a bikini photo to prove my point. lol
> 
> ...



Mrs.CuddeBug married me because I take care of myself, likes what she sees, I don't drink, smoke or do drugs, and I'm not a partier. I get things done and move things forward were she talks more and it doesn't get done. She likes that.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

CynthiaDe said:


> I think that spouses should go to their spouse to have their sexual needs met, but if the other spouse is unwilling to meet those needs it is okay to masturbate. Using a tool for masturbation wouldn't bother me if I was unwilling to meet my husband's sexual needs. However, in 30+ years of marriage this has never happened.
> 
> I do understand that is must be frustrating for you that your wife does not meet your sexual needs, but I also realize that she has always been that way and you trying to change her isn't the answer. If you are finding other ways of meeting your sexual needs that do not bring harm to the marriage, I think that is a good idea.



I am HD but would never expect her to have sex with me every day. Unrealistic. But maybe sex every second day? Sex 3 to 4 days week and no sex 3 to 4 days week?

Still too much for a LD spouse?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> I've never actually told Mrs.CuddleBug lose weight. She knows without me saying anything. You know what I mean.
> 
> :


Wait, didn't you post up thread that you two were talking recently and you told her that she is LD needs to lose 80 pounds and you don't see her moving to change but a little effort would go a long way?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

lucy999 said:


> Wait, didn't you post up thread that you two were talking recently and you told her that she is LD needs to lose 80 pounds and you don't see her moving to change but a little effort would go a long way?



You're right. That's the only time I've done that. Guilty as charged.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> No one has said anything even resembling what you are saying. You are lashing out because people are saying she is being true to who SHE is, and not forcing herself to be who you WANT her to be. What we ARE saying is that you can either continue as you are, or move on. Her weight is not going to change her sex drive. And no one is saying that a HD HAS to adapt to a LD. Just as no one is saying LD HAS to adapt to HD. You can address the compatibility issue and work out a compromise... OR part ways. OR keep the elephant in the room and keep sulking, wallowing in the self pity. Your choice.
> 
> So, you mention cutting the cord with parents/siblings/etc. So, my question is this... if they say something disparaging about you, does she jump to your defense, or does she join in with them? I ask for a reason. In the early years of my marriage, it was difficult adjusting from daughter/sister to wife, and then mother. My family has always been close. In fact, my dad has always been "Daddy" to us girls, and still is. He texts me throughout the day, or sends me PM's, too. And each night, he texts us, saying he loves us and hopes we sleep well. I talk to my sisters nearly everyday, too. But, if one of them chose to speak poorly about my husband, I would jump to his defense. If he was in the wrong, I would tell him, privately. My husband and children come first... but I am still close to my sisters and my dad (mom passed away almost 3 years ago).
> 
> ...




So the ladies are more connected to their parents then? Compared to us guys?

For me, I maybe chat with my parents 1x month. She chats with them almost everyday and they live 10 minutes away.

I just find that a bit much. That's normal though?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Thank you for sharing that. I'm in sponge mode....


CB, the one thing you HAVE to keep in mind is that she can't do it for you. She HAS to do it for herself, no matter what the chosen venue. And, she needs to make that choice herself. You cannot make it for her. Otherwise, she WILL resent you for changing her. I don't want you to resent her, either. You should make the idea of self-improvement attractive, but not forcefully. 

You say she enjoys chips and dip, right? How about starting with making your own chips... whether slicing and baking potato chips yourself, or another vegetable. Switch the dip with Greek yogurt, and season it to her tastes. It's a start. Another thing... you said she was vegetarian when you were first married, but has since converted. But, she was also smaller, right? What about incorporating more vegetarian meals into your diet? I'm not saying cut out meat entirely, necessarily (unless you can make sure necessary nutrients are met, of course). But, it might help her eat healthier. I know from experience that I feel better when eating vegetarian meals than I do eating meat... and red meat is not in my diet, either. I'm not trying to dictate what to do, just giving a suggestion that *might* get her more interested in healthy eating.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> My wife was obese. 280 lbs.
> 
> She lost 60 lbs without trying and without exercise.




How did she do that?


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> CB, the one thing you HAVE to keep in mind is that she can't do it for you. She HAS to do it for herself, no matter what the chosen venue. And, she needs to make that choice herself. You cannot make it for her. Otherwise, she WILL resent you for changing her. I don't want you to resent her, either. You should make the idea of self-improvement attractive, but not forcefully.
> 
> You say she enjoys chips and dip, right? How about starting with making your own chips... whether slicing and baking potato chips yourself, or another vegetable. Switch the dip with Greek yogurt, and season it to her tastes. It's a start. Another thing... you said she was vegetarian when you were first married, but has since converted. But, she was also smaller, right? What about incorporating more vegetarian meals into your diet? I'm not saying cut out meat entirely, necessarily (unless you can make sure necessary nutrients are met, of course). But, it might help her eat healthier. I know from experience that I feel better when eating vegetarian meals than I do eating meat... and red meat is not in my diet, either. I'm not trying to dictate what to do, just giving a suggestion that *might* get her more interested in healthy eating.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk



Actually I bought her a surprise vegetable slicer today. Should be here soon.

- potatoes into fries, tomatoes, carrots, onions, cucumbers, etc.

Easier to make salads now, we both can use it.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> So the ladies are more connected to their parents then? Compared to us guys?
> 
> For me, I maybe chat with my parents 1x month. She chats with them almost everyday and they live 10 minutes away.
> 
> I just find that a bit much. That's normal though?


Lol some are. Some aren't. My sister-in-law is not close to her mom, at all. In fact, I am closer to my mother-in-law than her own daughter is... and our relationship has been strained, at times. I think it just depends how close the family was when they were growing up. I know some men who are as close to their parents and siblings as I am to my own. However, when it comes right down to it, my husband comes first. The same with their wives. 

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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> Mrs.CuddeBug married me because I take care of myself, likes what she sees, I don't drink, smoke or do drugs, and I'm not a partier. I get things done and move things forward were she talks more and it doesn't get done. She likes that.


That's good. You two could balance each other out pretty well, but the difference in your sex drives is always going to be a problem unless you find some healthy ways to alleviate your sexual energy apart from your wife. Have you talked to her about that and how does she feel about it?

I was always thin, sometimes too thin. Until I hit my 40's, then I began to slowly put on weight. I think it was due to my metabolism slowing, but at the time I was very frustrated and unable to figure out what was causing the gain. I saw my doctor and she just said it was my age. I was extremely frustrated. I tried to several workout programs, but injured myself repeatedly.

I began to read about metabolism and found an exercise program that worked for me. I still do elements of it today. I stopped eating gluten and significantly reduced my grain intake. I cut cow's milk products completely out of my diet. I eat more meat and a ton of vegetables. I lost the weight and got into really good shape.

During the time that I gained weight, my husband never made a negative comment about it even though I gained around 35 lbs. If he had complained it would have made things a lot more difficult for me. Our sex life also did not change due to my weight gain.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

MEM2020 said:


> CB,
> C2 is well aware how unhappy you are with her. This isn't a communication issue.
> 
> The stories about people losing weight or becoming more sexual for their spouse - are ALL the result of the over weight / LD person deciding that is what THEY wanted.
> ...



She isn't lazy.

She puts all her energy into her job and parents / sister.

Never herself.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You claim to be in sponge mode - but only process input that is about C2 and that you find agreeable. 

You avoid addressing questions about your own highly contradictory/inconsistent behavior. 




CuddleBug said:


> She isn't lazy.
> 
> She puts all her energy into her job and parents / sister.
> 
> Never herself.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> So the ladies are more connected to their parents then? Compared to us guys?
> 
> For me, I maybe chat with my parents 1x month. She chats with them almost everyday and they live 10 minutes away.
> 
> I just find that a bit much. That's normal though?


I am very close to my family.

My husband is close to his family as well, but sometimes he has to be reminded to send his mom a birthday card or to call her. I think family relationships are vitally important and encourage my husband to have good relationships with his family members.

How close people are to their families has many factors.

My mother lives with us, so I talk to her everyday. She and I babysit for my granddaughter twice a week. My mom helps a lot since I am still homeschooling and need to be able to give my son undivided attention without caring for my daughter's baby. My family has dinner together every Sunday. My married daughter and her family come every single Sunday. My kids often have friends over for our meals. Yesterday my cousin and her family were here from B.C. to visit. My brother and his family came also. My sister came with her family and her boyfriend. I am usually in contact with my sister at least once a day. She calls everyday to speak to our mother or me or both. This is a lot of information, but I think it gives you an idea of how close I am to my family.

At this very moment, my daugher and her boyfriend are sitting in this room with me. My son-in-law's brother is here, my granddaughter is crawling on my legs. We have a house full of people. I don't think it has to do with gender. I think it has to do with family culture. We have lots of young men here too. We love each other and like to be together. We talk about just about everything and my kids often run things by me so they can have input in major decisions. It's healthy and happy.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

CynthiaDe said:


> I am very close to my family.
> 
> My husband is close to his family as well, but sometimes he has to be reminded to send his mom a birthday card or to call her. I think family relationships are vitally important and encourage my husband to have good relationships with his family members.
> 
> ...



I guess I like our space more than seeing family a little too often.

But no problem. I have to respect the fact Mrs.CuddleBug is closer with her family.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

MEM2020 said:


> You claim to be in sponge mode - but only process input that is about C2 and that you find agreeable.
> 
> You avoid addressing questions about your own highly contradictory/inconsistent behavior.




Alright.


Ask me something then.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

CynthiaDe said:


> That's good. You two could balance each other out pretty well, but the difference in your sex drives is always going to be a problem unless you find some healthy ways to alleviate your sexual energy apart from your wife. Have you talked to her about that and how does she feel about it?
> 
> I was always thin, sometimes too thin. Until I hit my 40's, then I began to slowly put on weight. I think it was due to my metabolism slowing, but at the time I was very frustrated and unable to figure out what was causing the gain. I saw my doctor and she just said it was my age. I was extremely frustrated. I tried to several workout programs, but injured myself repeatedly.
> 
> ...



I think my sex toy is a way to alleviate my sexual energy without pestering her. I don't think she'd like it to be honest but its an alternative.

I see. So more a meat, gluten free, vegetable diet? I can buy groceries accordingly.

To me, 35 lbs isn't bad. It's when it gets much more than that and it gets serious.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Does sex toy = fleshlight or similar device?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> Does sex toy = fleshlight or similar device?



I will private message you. Don't want to possibly get banned.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> To summarize,
> 
> 
> - I cannot get upset about Mrs.CuddleBug not taking care of her body
> ...



When I hear questions like that reflected back, pointed questions, accusatory questions, it seems almost always the conversation has stopped being useful. One party's position is being misheard, for whatever reason. The solution is to put effort into looking for what nuggets of truth might exist in the other person's statement, even if you are pretty sure overall what you just heard is wrong. If you can't find even a sliver of something you agree with, but have truly tried, then yeah maybe the other is totally wrong. But if you don't bother to try to do that, what could be the reason for continuing to engage, and is it an honorable one?

CB, I know your life has been hell. The pain of constant rejection, and the constant jerking around resulting from getting one's hopes up and the pummeled into the ground over and over and over hundreds of times a year takes its toll. I've lived it.

I think you are a good person with a heavy heart, and you came here hoping to find some sympathy, but found little plus an abundance of well meaning people trying to set you free -- saying your future is not up to her, and it can still be up to you. But, none of us here are perfect and this conversation has devolved and is far from helpful for anyone. Including you and your wife.

If your mind clears, and you want to know what I really think, send me a PM.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

PieceOfSky said:


> When I hear questions like that reflected back, pointed questions, accusatory questions, it seems almost always the conversation has stopped being useful. One party's position is being misheard, for whatever reason. The solution is to put effort into looking for what nuggets of truth might exist in the other person's statement, even if you are pretty sure overall what you just heard is wrong. If you can't find even a sliver of something you agree with, but have truly tried, then yeah maybe the other is totally wrong. But if you don't bother to try to do that, what could be the reason for continuing to engage, and is it an honorable one?
> 
> CB, I know your life has been hell. The pain of constant rejection, and the constant jerking around resulting from getting one's hopes up and the pummeled into the ground over and over and over hundreds of times a year takes its toll. I've lived it.
> 
> ...




Right now I'm in sponge mode.......learning mode, trying.


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## Template 2 (Feb 16, 2017)

CB-
I have been in your wife's shoes. I always had to work real hard at keeping my weight in control. I literally am addicted to food. So, it was a constant, unpleasant battle to keep my weight in an acceptable range. I had my last kid in my 40's and had a job that I did not enjoy. At that point, I was overwhelmed with work, kids, taking care of the house, and aging parents. I did not have the strength to fight my desire to eat. I spent a good part of the time exhausted with my only respite a delicious evening snack. So, over about 20 years, I put on about 70 lbs (above my wedding weight which I returned to after my last child). I did not have health problems, actually had excellent yearly check ups and had no medications. My husband and I had been pretty MD, evenly matched through the early part of our marriage. I became LD as I got older because I was tired, stressed, and the main breadwinner. 

My H retired in his mid 50's but I had to continue working for health insurance for our family. He got plenty of rest and started to get frisky. I did my best to accommodate but really had no invested interest. He sat home all day, watching TV and porn while I got up at 4:30, threw in laundry, started a crockpot meal, cleaned a room, got ready for work, dropped the kids at school and was at work by 7am. I came home to serve dinner to the family, dry the laundry, check homework, book bags for school paperwork, do the bills and ancillary paperwork needed to keep the household running. If a kid had Scouts or sports, I took them. I took time to talk to each child and my husband each day to be sure everything was OK. Imagine my surprise when he stated he was not attracted to me because I was too fat. (Though he also complained about lack of frequency of sex. How could he be complaining about lack of frequency with someone he clearly thought was too fat to be attracted to? What did that make me, exactly?) He complained and threatened and whined. He had no idea the amount of effort and energy losing weight would cost me. I was hurt. I was angry. I did everything for him. Financially supported him, took care of our kids, our home, even the yard. And he wanted to heap more on me.

I got help for my addiction. I used a video called The Inner Weigh. I counted every single calorie I ate. If we were going to a restaurant, I got the menu ahead of time to figure out which dishes would fit in my eating plan. If I could not get the calorie info I needed, I called the restaurant and spoke with the cook or chef. After a while, it wasn't worth eating out. If I went over my calories (very rare occurrence), I would be up exercising until midnight so I wouldn't go in the hole. I still cooked regular food for my family, so this plan was essentially doubling the amount of effort I had to put into food prep. As far as exercise. I would rather eat glass than go to the gym, but I did it. I went to the gym at 3:30am because none of the hot soccer moms or gym rats were there. I got home at 4:45am and started my daily routine. I also hired a personal trainer with a private gym in her home. That way, I didn't have anyone looking at me, passing judgement on me. I HATED EVERY SINGLE MINUTE.

You might ask if my husband was supportive or if he helped more around the house. He did not. He felt it was my moral failure that I had gained weight and my responsibility to lose it to please his sense of attractiveness. 

I lost the weight. I did not feel sexier. My desire for sex did not increase. I did not feel prettier even though I had lost 7 dress sizes. I was fighting EVERY SINGLE DAY to avoid food, to plan so I would not eat too many calories, to fit exercise in despite the fact I was exhausted. I was averaging 4 1/2 hours sleep per night during the week and a 9 hours on the weekends. 

I kept most of the weight off for 2 1/2 years. I got tired of the relentless preoccupation I had to maintain to stay thin. I introduced a few foods I enjoyed back into my diet (dairy, a few refined carbs, coffee, and starchy vegetables) and added some calories to my daily intake. I gained back 12lbs. I am good with that. It allows me to have a few more calories a day to maintain that weight and I am not always fighting hunger. I have maintained this for 1 1/2 years now. It still remains an exhausting tightrope walk every single day.

The relationship with my H was permanently damaged by what he said and by how he acted. He did not act out of love. He acted out of a sense of entitlement and selfishness. I am now aware that his love is conditional on my appearance. Sadly, the sunk costs of a 40 year marriage make divorce inadvisable. So, I struggle to remain thin and he struggles knowing I no longer have those "loving feelings" for him. He got what he wanted, but not really. Sex is an obligation of marriage. I oblige, but there is no real intimacy. Just sad.

There IS such a thing as being addicted to food. In some people, consumption of certain foods produces a chemical reaction in the brain that causes feelings of pleasure. For some of us, an apple will never taste as good as a cookie. We have to determine which foods produce those responses and avoid them like the plague. For me, fat, sugar, and refined carbs were foods I could not have, period. I do consume some refined carbs now, but always, always, always take a measured 1/2 serving and no more.

Other people eat because something is eating them. They eat to fill some hole. They may function in the world, but in their head there is other stuff going on and food fixes that.

Some people eat because they are depressed and food makes them feel better. Then they see they have gained weight, feel more depressed, and eat some more.

You need to find out why your wife eats so she can get the help she needs to overcome that. Just saying she is lazy is counter productive. She may need to see a psychologist or therapist.

You may need to adjust your expectations regarding sex. Losing weight is not the universal panacea to increase a person's sex drive. She may or may not increase her drive. She may be so self conscious about how you view(ed) her body that she may not be able to let her guard down with you. She may be willing to compromise to give you more frequency, but that may be out of obligation and love, not lust. 

And you may need to realize that just because staying fit is your lifestyle and hobby, it may not be something she wants to adopt as her lifestyle. People enjoy different things. Some like physical activity, some prefer cerebral activities, some prefer social activities.

Don't punish Mrs CB. You can help her (and adjust your expectations to what she can actually do) or you can let her go to find someone who will love her "as is" and you can find someone who shares your fitness lifestyle and has the same view on appearance and sex.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

CuddleBug said:


> How did she do that?




She developed fatty liver which progressed to cirrhosis (non alcoholic). Loss of appetite, nausea, vomiting, a couple hundred medical appts over the past five years. Almost lost her once or twice. She needed a transplant. I don't recommend that approach. 

A couple months back wife goes to dentist. We've known the receptionist for years. She knows about my wife's condition. The woman told my wife she was just diagnosed with same condition. A non drinker. She will need a transplant. 

A couple of my wife's friends. Same thing. 

My best friend told me Friday that he too has liver disease. Same prognosis for him. 

The disease is very hard to diagnose until you get it. Then it's too late. No cure except a transplant. 

Dad died three months ago. A whole slew of conditions. Obese. 

Common denominator in all this. Overweight or obesity. 

I don't want to lose any more friends or family to weight related issues. Yes, thin people get ill and die too. But weight increases the risk. 

I'm trying to lose weight. It's not easy.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> I guess I like our space more than seeing family a little too often.
> 
> But no problem. I have to respect the fact Mrs.CuddleBug is closer with her family.


This is a good step in the right direction.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Template 2 said:


> CB-
> I have been in your wife's shoes. I always had to work real hard at keeping my weight in control. I literally am addicted to food. So, it was a constant, unpleasant battle to keep my weight in an acceptable range. I had my last kid in my 40's and had a job that I did not enjoy. At that point, I was overwhelmed with work, kids, taking care of the house, and aging parents. I did not have the strength to fight my desire to eat. I spent a good part of the time exhausted with my only respite a delicious evening snack. So, over about 20 years, I put on about 70 lbs (above my wedding weight which I returned to after my last child). I did not have health problems, actually had excellent yearly check ups and had no medications. My husband and I had been pretty MD, evenly matched through the early part of our marriage. I became LD as I got older because I was tired, stressed, and the main breadwinner.
> 
> My H retired in his mid 50's but I had to continue working for health insurance for our family. He got plenty of rest and started to get frisky. I did my best to accommodate but really had no invested interest. He sat home all day, watching TV and porn while I got up at 4:30, threw in laundry, started a crockpot meal, cleaned a room, got ready for work, dropped the kids at school and was at work by 7am. I came home to serve dinner to the family, dry the laundry, check homework, book bags for school paperwork, do the bills and ancillary paperwork needed to keep the household running. If a kid had Scouts or sports, I took them. I took time to talk to each child and my husband each day to be sure everything was OK. Imagine my surprise when he stated he was not attracted to me because I was too fat. (Though he also complained about lack of frequency of sex. How could he be complaining about lack of frequency with someone he clearly thought was too fat to be attracted to? What did that make me, exactly?) He complained and threatened and whined. He had no idea the amount of effort and energy losing weight would cost me. I was hurt. I was angry. I did everything for him. Financially supported him, took care of our kids, our home, even the yard. And he wanted to heap more on me.
> ...



Thank you for that. Very helpful.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

CynthiaDe said:


> This is a good step in the right direction.



I'm trying.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> She developed fatty liver which progressed to cirrhosis (non alcoholic). Loss of appetite, nausea, vomiting, a couple hundred medical appts over the past five years. Almost lost her once or twice. She needed a transplant. I don't recommend that approach.
> 
> A couple months back wife goes to dentist. We've known the receptionist for years. She knows about my wife's condition. The woman told my wife she was just diagnosed with same condition. A non drinker. She will need a transplant.
> 
> ...




Sorry to hear that. Not an easy thing to go through.


I guess in the back of my mind too I'm thinking that could be Mrs.CuddlleBug.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> I'm trying.


The more you can do to accept your wife as she is right now and do what you can to have your own needs met without damaging your marriage, the better off you will be. If you let go of thinking that she owes you, it may help you with the frustration you feel. It seems to me that if a person feels he's being ripped off, that adds to the feelings of frustration and anger. No one here wants you to just suck it up and live in misery. I sure don't want that for you. I think everyone is trying to help.

Maybe what @PieceOfSky said about clearing your head would be a good idea. The discussion here seems to have you on the defensive. I'm sorry for anything I've said that contributed to putting you on the defensive. That was not my intention. It is frustrating to feel deprived and desperate. I hope the issues in your marriage can be resolved and that both you and your wife can have a wonderful, loving, and fulfilled marriage.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

CynthiaDe said:


> The more you can do to accept your wife as she is right now and do what you can to have your own needs met without damaging your marriage, the better off you will be. If you let go of thinking that she owes you, it may help you with the frustration you feel. It seems to me that if a person feels he's being ripped off, that adds to the feelings of frustration and anger. No one here wants you to just suck it up and live in misery. I sure don't want that for you. I think everyone is trying to help.
> 
> Maybe what @PieceOfSky said about clearing your head would be a good idea. The discussion here seems to have you on the defensive. I'm sorry for anything I've said that contributed to putting you on the defensive. That was not my intention. It is frustrating to feel deprived and desperate. I hope the issues in your marriage can be resolved and that both you and your wife can have a wonderful, loving, and fulfilled marriage.



Totally agree. I did feel like I missed out in life, 17 years of it, to be honest.


My head is clearer now. My rage gets the better of me at times and when that happens, I can let it rip and nothing stops me. I have to take a step back during those moments, find a way to do that and come back calmer. No apologies needed. My 17 years of built of frustration gets the better of me from time to time. Another reason why I'm seriously considering getting a gym pass and going hard again.


I'm glad I'm not on steroids. With my personality, I would be raging and in trouble.....not good. At least I realize that beforehand.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

CB,
Ok - I'll ask you a compound (multi-part) question, but before doing so I want to make sure you understand where I'm coming from. 

All,
I apologize in advance if my preferences hurt anyone's feelings. I am ONLY providing this background in the hope that CB takes my questions in the spirit in which they are intended. 

Background:
My mom stayed fit until she got married and then kind of let herself go physically. I had a mildly negative view of this until I was 18. That was the year I overheard her and her friends trashing a 16 year old girl they knew for 'letting herself go, and in doing so limiting her marital prospects to men who were ok marrying an overweight woman'. This seemed to be a very hypocritical position given her own choices. 

When M2 and I got serious we had 'the talk'. I basically said: I am super attracted to you. I have never been attracted to women who are out of shape/over weight. 

M2 has always been fit and eats healthy. So even though she gave me grief about having what she ever after referred to as the 'fat talk', she wasn't at all worried about it. And yes - 25+ years later here we are - both fit - both having done thousands of active things together from long walks to treadmill and weight training sessions. 

All that to say - I get why you are angry. I would be too. 

----------------------
With that out of the way, I'll ask my questions:
1. What has C2 done during your marriage to give you genuine hope that she will radically change her lifestyle and then STICK TO the new healthy routine?
2. What do you believe is the percent likelihood that she will actually get and stay in shape?

My guess, is the answer to (2) is a very low percent. No more than 10%.

Given that, what is it you really want?
1. Sympathy?
2. A bunch of people telling you that divorcing your wife over this does not make you a bad person?

I think you have missed the point of my earlier comments. So I will make it a different way. 

It is 100% normal to feel conflicted. And the healthiest thing to do is say: 

I am conflicted. I don't want to break my vows but my marriage has been bad for a long time and it is slowly getting worse. 

Everybody would grasp that. 

Instead you say: I have a great marriage. 

And then, when challenged on that statement, you simply ignore it. 

And it seems like you are reacting that way because your primary goal in this thread is to convince us that you are good and right and C2 is selfish and wrong. 

Thing is, you are pursuing that goal at the expense of being honest. And that won't end well. You need to OWN your piece of this which is partly that you employ double speak when under duress. It isn't unusual, and it doesn't make you a bad person. But it won't help you dig out of this mess. 














CuddleBug said:


> Alright.
> 
> 
> Ask me something then.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

MEM2020 said:


> CB,
> Ok - I'll ask you a compound (multi-part) question, but before doing so I want to make sure you understand where I'm coming from.
> 
> All,
> ...




Thanks for sharing that.


I think when I get a gym pass and go hard again, Mrs.CuddleBug might follow and do the same? She'll notice I'm out and having fun......maybe it will give her the push she needs?


(01) She has changed her diet from vegetarian and missing meals, to eating balanced meals, no more skipping them and has chicken with turkey and peanut butter as protein sources. She started going to the gym, lost a lot of weight, then missed a day here and there, got used to that, and then stopped going altogether. She was on the right track and of her own doing. That's why I was really excited and hopeful.

(02) As it stands today, 0%. Yes, her diet is better but that's about it now.


(01) All I really want is for her to take care of her body, whatever weight that might be, but she will be in far better shape than she is now. No magic number. 

(02) Divorce is a last resort for me and not something I'd take lightly.


What I meant I have a great marriage, was the non physical aspect. Meaning, everything but physicality and sex. Talking, watching tv/movie, eating together, doing our own things, building and upgrading our place together, that's all great, just no physicality and sex.


I know if she did lose the weight she wanted to lose, she would feel much better about herself, start modeling clothes for me again, yes she did that, and she actually was more affectionate and that meant sex 1x month to 1x to 2x week.....I remember that.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

MEM2020 said:


> Instead you say: I have a great marriage.





CuddleBug said:


> What I meant I have a great marriage, was the non physical aspect.


Indeed.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

CB,
We all get that aspects of your marriage are great. Thing is - overall - you are very unhappy. Not just with her results, but her level of effort to prioritize you. 

In fact, you are so unhappy, that if she maintains the current trajectory, it will end in divorce. This isn't a small difference in wording. It is actually a huge difference in meaning. 

And FWIW - I think you should leave her. Not because she's over weight. But because she chooses to lead an inactive lifestyle AND chooses not to prioritize sex. Both of those things are a huge deal to you. It's why you feel taken for granted. It's why you are chronically angry. 

She cannot simultaneously claim that by leaving you are severely hurting her, but that she can't be bothered to meet your need to FEEL IMPORTANT. That my man - is a universal need. No shame in ending a marriage over it. 

And I have to tell you, that from an outsiders viewpoint, the marriage is damaging you. It's making you more and more angry and bitter over time. 




CuddleBug said:


> Thanks for sharing that.
> 
> 
> I think when I get a gym pass and go hard again, Mrs.CuddleBug might follow and do the same? She'll notice I'm out and having fun......maybe it will give her the push she needs?
> ...


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

MEM2020 said:


> CB,
> We all get that aspects of your marriage are great. Thing is - overall - you are very unhappy. Not just with her results, but her level of effort to prioritize you.
> 
> In fact, you are so unhappy, that if she maintains the current trajectory, it will end in divorce. This isn't a small difference in wording. It is actually a huge difference in meaning.
> ...




You nailed it. Scary but true.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Personal said:


> Indeed.



And there is no way to get a LD spouse to want physicality and sex. I've read a few posts of LD spouses later on becoming sexual and no longer LD. But that's far and few between I take it?


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I wrote something but think it might be better as a PM so will send that.

Or not - says you can't or won't receive PM



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

One measure of a marriage is the degree to which it is bringing out the best or worst in you. 





CuddleBug said:


> You nailed it. Scary but true.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> And there is no way to get a LD spouse to want physicality and sex. I've read a few posts of LD spouses later on becoming sexual and no longer LD. But that's far and few between I take it?


She hasn't been interested for so many years, I doubt she's going to change her mind.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

CuddleBug said:


> Not one post here on:
> 
> 
> - how someone who was obese lost weight?
> ...


I was obese after the birth of my second to fourth child. My weight went up and down for those years. After my fourth and last child I got super serious about it and have went from 235 pounds to 160 pounds. I still trying to lose 15 more pounds. 

How did I do it, eating healthy and exercise, but mainly eating very clean. I lost my first 45 pounds by diet alone. Did my husband support me, yes. Did he nag or complain to me about my weight, no. Only once did he say that he did not find me as attractive with the extra weight on, but you know what It hurt me really bad, but still did not make me really want to lose weight. I did that for me, not him. 

To this day that comment still hurts and if he had of been more vocal about my weight over the years I would have probably never lost the weight, probably instead I would have just left him. 

No one is saying that it's ok for your wife to be obese and not take care of herself. It's not. I agree we need to keep ourselves in reasonable shape for our health and our spouses. What we are saying is you are brow beating this woman into being something she doesn't want to be instead of admitting that she can't be what you want her to be. 

If you need to sit down and explain point blank to your wife, I need you to lose X amount of weight and make our sex life a priority meaning X amount of time per week or I'm not going to be happy in this marriage. Until you do that and gage where you wife is in this marriage than stop complaining. 

I agree with other people that you are scared that she is not going to chose you and just leave. That's a valid concern, but if you are truly that unhappy than you owe it to yourself to do something about it. The rest of your life is a pretty long time and if you continue the way you are going now you are only going to be resentful and end up hating your wife for not being what you need her to be. 

Talk to her, honestly , give her a chance to fix some of the mistakes that were made.


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## ukf32 (Jul 10, 2012)

I'm formerly a LD wife; I've worked incredibly hard to alter that. That comes from within a person though, just speaking from my own experience but I am almost certain there is absolutely nothing you can do. She needs to have that epiphany moment herself and act on it. There was a book I found useful at the time when my libido was lowest, I read many but this one sticks in my mind and I have seen it referenced on the forum: Proper care and feeding of husbands. It's worth a shot to get her a copy.

She cannot or will not change her weight for you. I think you're right in the idea that she needs to change for herself, for her health, for her self-esteem. But let's not forget that's not the main reason you want her to lose weight. You want her to be fitter/ slimmer so you find her attractive. Do you not see the dichotomy? 

This is costing you your happiness, fulfilment and satisfaction. I certainly disagree with the attitude you so clearly demonstrate but when all is said and done, you're not happy, she's not happy. Why isn't anything changing?

You have nothing to lose by being transparent with her. Sit her down and talk, write her a letter, do something so that she can be in no doubt that she will lose you if she doesn't start getting healthier. But be kind. And be honest with yourself- if she was slim and fit, would she then be what you need? Going out on a limb here but if you find her personality and her mind attractive, you would most likely see beyond her weight and love her for who she is. Part of me suspects that if she was slim, you would find something else you were unhappy with. 

I, and others, have asked this question: do you love her? Because if you don't, weight loss will not change that.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Too bad I can't PM you. But here are a couple points.

It's you. It's in your head. You want her affection and attention and you want her to take the effort to show you that you matter to her. As a man that manifests in sex. But I think it's the affection, respect and admiration and you are taking her obesity and behavior as a direct indication that she doesn't feel this way.

I'd recommend seeing a sex therapist - it'll help you align and separate these feelings and needs. Guys often need help with this.

It will help you let go of some of the hurt and negative feelings

Next, talk to her in a manner she will hear. She can't hear you now. Tell her you miss the intimacy and the love and affection. That you are giving her what she needs but not getting it back. Tell her you are hurt. This is the word a woman understands. Hurt. Neglected. Sad. Tell her what you feel like.

If she's as wonderful as you say THIS is the only thing that will wake her up. BUT you have to let go of the things you THINK show you she doesn't care, and let her show you in other ways.

Read HNHN with her. It validates your 2 top Needs - sex and an attractive wife. It's normal. But don't push that button yet because it will be showing her she is a complete failure as a w to meet your needs (not really, but with low self esteem this is what she's likely to hear). If she hears that too soon she'll shut down.

Instead let her know you just want 15 minutes every night of undivided attention in bed, snuggling, touching, caressing, yes and even sex (hj and a little bj maybe) because sexual release binds you to her as your testosterone decreases and you can access your emotions.

I think you can reach her and have her eventually want to get in shape if she starts to meet your intimacy needs first and gets positive feedback. It'll be very important for her to be successful in this as she is today.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I get that your frustrated but mooping around and complaining doesn't fix it. Yea she should do this and should do that but she isn't and is probably isn't going to. Why wait around and complain and do nothing? 
You insult your wife and say she hasn't grown up and yet your the one acting like a baby. I mean 17 years of inadequate sex, and weight gain and your still in the same spot you were 16 years ago. Your still complaining about the same thing and your still expecting her to change for some strange reason.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Cuddlebug, 

you want to know how people lose weight?

OK. I joined the Army way back, just after the Romans left Britain, and I was proud to enlist in, and serve, in a light infantry regiment of the British Army. To be a light infantryman requires levels of fitness beyond what most 18-22 year olds can begin to imagine. I was fit when I enlisted, but the work I had to do to reach the level I needed to be was astronomical. There were a few overweight lads in my training platoon, who had to work even harder. They lost weight. Not 80-odd pounds, but 20-30 at least, maybe more. I mean, one of them was known as "Porky" from the day he walked through the gates for his entire time in the Regiment, so it gives you an idea of his starting point.

It would be easy to say they lost that weight by circuit training, running carrying rifles and sixty pound packs and being beasted over assault courses by merciless NCO's. Those were what gave them the means. How they lost the weight was because being a member of the Regiment was more important to them than the food they missed or the pain they experienced. They lost the weight because they wanted to, because the thing they could achieve when they did it meant enough.

#i think about a third of the platoon didn't complete training. Some couldn't stand being ordered about. Some had structural health issues that meant they couldn't do it - genetically bad knees, undiagnosed asthma. Some didn't want their cap badge enough to go through it all. To them, they couldn't make the pain worth it. 

Now, we were all volunteers. Nothing was keeping us there except our desire to become Riflemen and in some cases our own stupidity and stubbornness. Those who didn't have that overwhelming drive were free to walk. And they did.

Here's the thing. You are you wife are both like this. She doesn't want the end result enough to endure the discomfort, and since she's a volunteer, you can't force her. Equally, you too are a volunteer. If you don't like it, you don't have to stay and pretend to like it. You know where the camp gate is.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

CuddleBug said:


> Thanks for sharing that.
> 
> 
> I think when I get a gym pass and go hard again, Mrs.CuddleBug might follow and do the same?


You said the same thing when you started this thread. You still haven't signed up? Big surprise.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

You can't teach an old dog new tricks. Either of them...


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> You can't teach an old dog new tricks. Either of them...


I am an old dog. When I hit around 45 years old I realized that what I had been doing wasn't working for me anymore. I was falling apart from an injury I had at 18. It slowly crept up on me until it was intolerable. I was also gaining weight and didn't know why. I hadn't changed my eating habits, but the weight kept slowly, but steadily increasing.

I knew that I didn't want to live like that anymore, so I made changes. At first I injured myself repeatedly with exercise, but I didn't give up. I found something gentle that worked for me and increased my fitness. Through study, I learned what was causing my weight gain and other diet related health issues and made radical changes. I learned how to make delicious meals with my food restrictions.

At 52 years of age, I am in better shape than I've been in my life. I have more energy. I'm thin, but my figure is not really as thin as I used to be, but I'm a lot more muscular and fit looking that I was when I was skinny. It was not easy to learn what I needed to do and make the changes, but it has been well worth it. That is why I think that @CuddleBug can learn and grow and make things better for himself and his wife. He just needs to stop being defensive and be willing to understand what the problems are and what is personally within his control to change.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Of course people can change if THEY want to. The problem is... when and if they decide to change and how long do you wait if your the other person demanding the change? It's been 16 years and his wife hasn't changed, either has his attitude. If they wait 10 more years before they change and they are both happy is it even worth it?


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

<soapbox>Digs/shaming isn't helpful here. It is pretty human to be frustrated and angry given the life CB has been living. IMHO, when that starts to surface the worst thing someone can do is try to shame it back down his throat. 
</soapbox>

A few thoughts, CB:

* If TTH cannot not send a PM, you may have hit your inbox/PM folders limit. In which case, you will need to delete something or become a paying member (yielding unlimited space iirc) before you will be able to receive any new PMs.

* Your wife likely feels shame about the lack of sex, even as she rejects you. I have learned this only recently about mine, after many many years of being oblivious to it. It wouldn't "make it right" or justify in any way her choices. But if it is part of her experience, ignore it at your peril.

* Seems very very unlikely to me that if your wife suddenly lost weight that she would be open to more sex or enjoy it more. I don't recall you directly suggesting that it might (someone else just did). But, if anything, my guess is she holds onto the weight for the same reason she remains closed to sex. It may be that the notion of losing weight scares her, because you will be more attracted to her and want even more sex. I say this because I have recently come to believe my wife's more recent (last year or two) aversion to any physical loving contact (a romantic kiss or snuggling on the couch) stems from a fear of that turning me on and leading me to want to have sex. Her protests "why cant you just give me affection without wanting to turn it into sex" are pretty painful to hear --- like I'm dehydrated in the desert and I beg a few drops of water from a gallons she has at her disposal, and then she shames me for wanting a little bit more." But, to the extent I have been able to sort through my own feelings and hear her words and see her behavior, the sum total of all the evidence supports this notion: she now fears anything that would amp up the expectation she should supply me with sexual attention of any kind, and she would rather through me under the bus (almost literally) than own up to it.

Again, that is not to say it in any way justifies her behavior -- this fear. But, to ignore such sad complexities about what one is up against is akin to taking one's eye off the ball. 


* This may be relevant: How to Overcome Sexual Aversion. I had read that article before, and thought it opened a door leading to a solution and shared it with my wife. She didn't handle that well -- so, I cannot advocate sharing it, but it is certainly worth reading imho yourself.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

PieceOfSky said:


> <soapbox>Digs/shaming isn't helpful here. It is pretty human to be frustrated and angry given the life CB has been living. IMHO, when that starts to surface the worst thing someone can do is try to shame it back down his throat.
> </soapbox>


IMO it doesn't help anyone to avoid the elephant in the room. I agree that purposefully shaming someone is wrong, but telling someone where they are making a mistake or going wrong should be helpful to someone who takes responsibility for his life. Getting upset at people for telling the truth is counterproductive. If you think that someone was out of line and shaming him, that would fall under harassment and you can report the specific incidents.

I think that fact that Cuddlebug has overcome so much in his life already and made major changes in how he operates in order to achieve the results he wants can be employed to help him make the changes he personally can make to improve his life with his or wife or to choose to leave her and for them to each have a fresh start.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

CB- I too was once large....hell, I was obese. As others have said, the decision has to come from her. No steering, no badgering, no forcing... either she will or she won't. For me it was for my wife and kids. It had to be done.

My story is in my signature.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> IMO it doesn't help anyone to avoid the elephant in the room. I agree that purposefully shaming someone is wrong, but telling someone where they are making a mistake or going wrong should be helpful to someone who takes responsibility for his life. Getting upset at people for telling the truth is counterproductive. If you think that someone was out of line and shaming him, that would fall under harassment and you can report the specific incidents.
> 
> I think that fact that Cuddlebug has overcome so much in his life already and made major changes in how he operates in order to achieve the results he wants can be employed to help him make the changes he personally can make to improve his life with his or wife or to choose to leave her and for them to each have a fresh start.


Not you. It seemed to me after his awareness was raised and his resistance to what was being said had waned, some newly dropped by and reopened an older part of the thread.

Absolutely you and some others had made some valid points, and CB was after a rough start making an effort to hear them. I did not want that progress to be undone, and was trying to steer the conversation back on track in the gentlest of ways.

I have no desire to bother the mods, when I have every reason to believe the one or two people here I was speaking to are smart enough and have integrity and self control enough to pick up on my hint and consider it for whatever merits it may have. Sorry for any confusion.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I'm back for a bit.

Thanks for all the help and advice and the more the better.


My surprise Kainnt Mandoline Slicer arrived today. I showed Mrs.CuddleBug and she says, don't cut off your hands....didn't seem very happy or anything. I'm going to try it later.

Mrs.CuddleBug bought us fudge brownies and cinnamon icing buns yesterday. I had a few of the buns but that's enough for me. I cant eat all that sugar, so I threw them out. I told Mrs.CuddleBug lets have wraps or subs or healthier burgers, etc. She tells me, fine, I won't buy anything then. Right now she is finishing off her brownies and also having chips.....

Not a single negative comment from me on she shouldn't be eating that.

I was also looking into gyms today, so I might have one picked out soon and go from there. It's on the way to my work, nice.

I've been training hard at home for numerous years by the way. Going to a gym again will help get out there, meet new people, socialize and network.

I was never obese. In fact, I was super skinny, very low blood pressure. My lowest was 85 / 65 just relaxing. Now its more around 110 / 70.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

PieceOfSky said:


> <soapbox>Digs/shaming isn't helpful here. It is pretty human to be frustrated and angry given the life CB has been living. IMHO, when that starts to surface the worst thing someone can do is try to shame it back down his throat.
> </soapbox>
> 
> A few thoughts, CB:
> ...




My InBox is empty now.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

CB, for what it's worth, I don't think you're being unfair or deplorable to your wife. I think your expectations are fair, I just don't think they are compatible with the kind of person she is and seems to have always been. 

You seem to know yourself well and you don't apologize for the way you feel. I find that commendable actually despite how posters are trying to stick it to you in various ways. As long as it makes you think and consider all angles, I consider the messages received. It's your life. 

I'm sure to sound blunt and uncaring, but if Odo was overweight (he carries a little extra weight which I have NO problem with) and ate crud all the time, I'd be done it him. He knows this. I can't live with a person that has little regard for clean eating and general health. He knew this when we started dating and it is one reason he wanted to be with me - to provide that extra discipline he wants and needs.

Mrs. CB does not know your boundaries because you choose to stay. If you stay, you'll have to throw your boundaries out the window. You'll have to settle for a sexless (or near) marriage. You'll have to settle for her eating habits, dietary choices, and activity levels, and say nothing. You'll have to accept her physical appearance for what it is and wake up with her each morning and remind yourself of why you love her. You'll have to prepare mentally and financially for future medical bills. Half of Odo's family is diabetic and he is so insanely careful because he doesn't want to take injections every day.

I'm not saying divorce her. I'm saying choose wisely. Women learn past a certain age and maturity level to choose wisely based on what they want in life. Right now she likely feels that she chose wisely because she has an attractive husband who accepts her as she is and isn't going anywhere.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I agree that what you want is reasonable, but it bothers me that you refuse to take responsibility for the fact that you married her knowing full well she was like this. 

My impression is that for whatever reason you thought this was the best you could do, and later when you improved yourself you decided she owed it to you to do the same so you could have the hot girl you'd always wanted.

The thing is that the dating process is for you to decide what qualities are deal breakers and what qualities you can live with.....to look for a compatible partner. When you think you're getting one and they change that's a different beast, but you knew what you were getting. 

On the flip side it's not all about you. Your wife also chose someone who she thought was ok with her habits and who failed to make clear that he expected her to change. How is that fair to her?

You're now stuck in a cycle where you improved yourself and feel you're entitled to better, and maybe you are. But your wife didn't sign up for this and her opinions matter too.

And frankly if you nag or threaten her into doing what she doesn't want just so you'll want more sex that she also doesn't want she's going to resent the hell out of you. It seems like the path of least resistance to you because the alternative is blowing up your life and starting over, but that may be where you need to go. 

One more thing: please take a good look yourself and be honest about just how good you look. I don't know you so you might be fabulous, but I have observed more than one person do some physical improvement and end up with a very inflated opinion of just how good they actually look. Sure they look better but that just means better than they were, not that they're great now. 

Please make sure this isn't you because it will cloud your judgement.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> My surprise Kainnt Mandoline Slicer arrived today. I showed Mrs.CuddleBug and she says, don't cut off your hands....didn't seem very happy or anything. I'm going to try it later.


 She couldn't care less about the slicer, so of course she isn't happy about it, but she's not upset either. Does you wife like vegetables? Do you know what her favorite vegetables are? 



CuddleBug said:


> Mrs.CuddleBug bought us fudge brownies and cinnamon icing buns yesterday. I had a few of the buns but that's enough for me. I cant eat all that sugar, so I threw them out. I told Mrs.CuddleBug lets have wraps or subs or healthier burgers, etc. She tells me, fine, I won't buy anything then. Right now she is finishing off her brownies and also having chips.....
> 
> Not a single negative comment from me on she shouldn't be eating that.


 Good that you didn't make any negative comments. How did you feel?



CuddleBug said:


> I was also looking into gyms today, so I might have one picked out soon and go from there. It's on the way to my work, nice.


 Have you asked your wife if she will get back into the gym with you again and that you'd love to have her join with you, because it's more fun with her?



CuddleBug said:


> I've been training hard at home for numerous years by the way. Going to a gym again will help get out there, meet new people, socialize and network.


I also workout at home. It's too much of a hassle for me to get the gym. I also hate locker rooms. I don't have anything against people going to the gym if that's their style. I wonder how your wife feels about gyms. I've heard that most people need to go to the gym if they are going to be consistent with their routine, but I'm a homebody, so working at home works better for me. Be careful that you don't start flirting with the women there.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Satya said:


> CB, for what it's worth, I don't think you're being unfair or deplorable to your wife. I think your expectations are fair, I just don't think they are compatible with the kind of person she is and seems to have always been.
> 
> You seem to know yourself well and you don't apologize for the way you feel. I find that commendable actually despite how posters are trying to stick it to you in various ways. As long as it makes you think and consider all angles, I consider the messages received. It's your life.
> 
> ...




Exactly.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

CynthiaDe said:


> She couldn't care less about the slicer, so of course she isn't happy about it, but she's not upset either. Does you wife like vegetables? Do you know what her favorite vegetables are?
> 
> Good that you didn't make any negative comments. How did you feel?
> 
> ...



Mrs.CuddleBug actually does make her own meals and they're healthy, lots of vegies. No issues there beside fudge brownies, hidden french fries in the freezer.....and chips. I buy onions, tomatoes, potatoes, carrots, cucumbers, corn, peas, celery, etc.


By me not saying anything about her unhealthy snacks, it just bottles it up inside and it grows......did I feel good? No.


I have hinted lets go to the gym and she would rather chill on the couch, maybe go for walks, which she never does and watch tv, etc. When we did go for walks, I like to power walk, not running but a nice pace, get the blood pumping and she would rather take a stroll.


I think Mrs.CuddleBug is a homebody. That's the way she just is.


I don't go out of my my way to flirt with the ladies, its the other way around. But the attention is very much appreciated and makes me feel that women are actually fun and flirty.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I agree that what you want is reasonable, but it bothers me that you refuse to take responsibility for the fact that you married her knowing full well she was like this.
> 
> My impression is that for whatever reason you thought this was the best you could do, and later when you improved yourself you decided she owed it to you to do the same so you could have the hot girl you'd always wanted.
> 
> ...




When you get married, you are to give your best to your spouse, not your laziest, let yourself go and not address the low sex drive issue.


I took care of myself for my health and marriage. No one told me to do this. I did it because I took responsibility for my body. No one forced me to do this or threatened divorce.


Or I could of done nothing, super skinny today, thick coke bottle glasses and wow, what a man I would be......hmmm, hmmm, blech!!! Love me the way I am...unchanging, that's selfish. Why get married?


I know I am in good shape, Mrs.CuddleBug knows this as well.....side by side, comparing Mrs.CuddleBug and I......night and day contrast.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

CB,
Below is another example of double speak. C2 has a very unhealthy diet. Full stop. Eventually - all your little digs will have their effect and she will leave - leaving you with a mostly clear conscience. 

You don't want the guilt associated with leaving her. You want her to either step up or step off. But at this point, you kind of know she won't step up. 

If I was your father this is what I would tell you. 

You made a huge mistake when you were younger and married the wrong person. Now it's time to Man up, admit it and give her the cleanest, kindest divorce you can. 

There's the spirit of the law, and the letter of the law. Treating her badly until she divorces you, might allow you to claim a 'letter of the law' compliance with your vows. But it's an egregious and cruel violation of the spirit of your vows. And it is way, way worse than ending it, which is what you really seem to WANT to do. 






CuddleBug said:


> Mrs.CuddleBug actually does make her own meals and they're healthy, lots of vegies. No issues there beside fudge brownies, hidden french fries in the freezer.....and chips. I buy onions, tomatoes, potatoes, carrots, cucumbers, corn, peas, celery, etc.
> 
> 
> By me not saying anything about her unhealthy snacks, it just bottles it up inside and it grows......did I feel good? No.
> ...


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

If you're not attracted to her why stay? For me attraction is such a huge part of love and lust. 

Sent from my E6653 using Tapatalk


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

CB,

What do you feel when someone suggests maybe it is time you set yourself free from her?

What do you think about it, as well?

Is the notion of leaving a scary thing, or extremely sad thing, to consider?

Have you seen divorce close up before?

How would you feel about yourself if you were the one to finally decide to throw in the towel?

Do you ever let yourself think about doing so?


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## GrannyMildew (Aug 15, 2013)

PieceOfSky said:


> Not you. It seemed to me after his awareness was raised and his resistance to what was being said had waned, some newly dropped by and reopened an older part of the thread.
> 
> Absolutely you and some others had made some valid points, and CB was after a rough start making an effort to hear them. I did not want that progress to be undone, and was trying to steer the conversation back on track in the gentlest of ways.
> 
> I have no desire to bother the mods, when I have every reason to believe the one or two people here I was speaking to are smart enough and have integrity and self control enough to pick up on my hint and consider it for whatever merits it may have. Sorry for any confusion.



Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G935A using Tapatalk


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I'm going to pick on you.

"Not a single negative comment from me on she shouldn't be eating that"

It would have been rather difficult to make that statement after you had polished off a few cinnamon buns, wouldn't it?

You like to hint - why not come right out and say you would like her to take a walk with you? Hints are easy to disregard and they get annoying.

You don't have to power walk the whole way. You can start off strolling and then power walk and go back to her and stroll and then power walk. I'm a fast walker and my husband wasn't. This technique worked for us. It won't be the exercise you would get if you were by yourself, but you can always go back out after you've escorted her home. 

You're not the saint and she isn't the devil.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> I'm going to pick on you.
> 
> "Not a single negative comment from me on she shouldn't be eating that"
> 
> It would have been rather difficult to make that statement after you had polished off a few cinnamon buns, wouldn't it?


 @CuddleBug, I hope you can find the humor in this, but wouldn't it have been funny if you had a mouth full of cinnamon buns and you told her she shouldn't be eating them? I'm thinking it may have worked if you had a mouth full and told her that the temptation is too great and obviously you can't handle it either. Followed by something like wanting to work together to improve health.

Also I'm wondering if when you have sex with your wife are you expressing your love to her sexually or are you just having sex with her? If you don't know, then you're just having sex.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Mrs.CuddleBug buys treats so she can eat them and not feel as guilty.....or she doesn't want sex so she buys dinner......very predictable.

I never said I was a saint and Mrs.CuddleBug is the devil. I said Mrs.CuddeBug is a great wife for everything "BUT not physicality and sex."

If she has any fantasies, she knows I'd do them with her. Same with her buying toys and oils. She knows this. I have never told her I'm tired, its too late, I have to work tomorrow, after this tv show or I'm really into reading this novel, etc, etc, etc. I have never sighed, rolled my eyes, again? NEVER. I have never fallen asleep during foreplay.....she has with me, my member in her hand and zzzzzzzz. But this is all okay because she is LD and won't make the effort and change.......quit defending people like this. You're defending the criminal and not the victim.

If I told Mrs.CuddleBug right now, lets go for a brisk walk and get some exercise, she would look at me, I'd rather watch tv, read a good book and be on my laptop on the couch.

I have thought more about divorce and its not something I'd do lightly. Too many here saying, just leave her, divorce her, etc. Marriage vows today don't seem to be worth much, just a piece of paper?!

I agree I probably married the wrong person. True. Back then, I didn't see that because I was young. Sexual mismatch and physical mismatch. Very common here.

Everyone here says I'm treating Mrs.CuddleBug badly......what about Mrs.CuddleBug letting herself go, obese and doing nothing about her LD and we've talked about it??? She is treating me badly. Get it right.

Bottom line. I took care of myself because I wanted to be in great shape when I'm older, like I am now and to be sexy for Mrs.CuddleBug. She did not do the same for me. She is comfy and that's it.

If Mrs.CuddleBug took care of herself, of course I'd find her hot. Men are visual and sexual. But obese is still obese. I don't know any guys who would say, hmmmm, I love all that extra weight on my wife......nope.

I always have been HD adventurous. I even took the 5 love languages quiz and posted it on the fridge. It's not there anymore and gone.......she knows.

I do feel I've missed out in life.

I've read posts about HD spouses leaving their other halves. Not because they were a bad husband or wife, not because they didn't do an excellent job taking care of the kids. The HD spouses feel dead inside because the LD spouse did nothing. I read that.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Get a grip. Your wife is not a criminal and you're not a victim except of your own inertia. I'm not defending her. In fact, I think you should let her go and get on with your life because clearly you are not capable of motivating her to do a damn thing. That's on her.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You doing fantasies for her is not a fair comparison because sex is a priority to you. 

It isn't to her. 

Please drop the victim mentality and accept that you guys are simply mismatched.

Let's assume you manage to pressure her into losing some weight and having more sex, but it's clear she's miserable and doesn't want to be there.

Can I assume you don't want duty sex that's counting the seconds until you're done?

You're beating a dead horse. She doesn't want sex with you more than she wants dessert, so end this amicably and find someone who's like minded.

Anyone who falls asleep during foreplay isn't interested. I'm sorry, I can imagine that really sucks, but it is what it is.

Rip this bandaid off. To add to what MEM said, it's cowardly to cajole her until she leaves. You're unhappy and it is what it is so go.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

CB,

Both of you deserve compatible partners. You two might love each other - but this type incompatibility = misery 4 - 2




CuddleBug said:


> Mrs.CuddleBug buys treats so she can eat them and not feel as guilty.....or she doesn't want sex so she buys dinner......very predictable.
> 
> I never said I was a saint and Mrs.CuddleBug is the devil. I said Mrs.CuddeBug is a great wife for everything "BUT not physicality and sex."
> 
> ...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MEM2020 said:


> CB,
> 
> Both of you deserve compatible partners. You two might love each other - but this type incompatibility = misery 4 - 2



Right. CB, you're operating under the assumption that if she'd take better care of herself you'd find her hot and want her.

But it appears that she doesn't want you all that much, at least sexually. How is her taking better care of herself going to change that?

Won't you be even worse off if you want her but she doesn't want you?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Get a grip. Your wife is not a criminal and you're not a victim except of your own inertia. I'm not defending her. In fact, I think you should let her go and get on with your life because clearly you are not capable of motivating her to do a damn thing. That's on her.


How is it on her?

If a salesman wants a customer to buy, it is on the salesman to motivate the customer to buy. The salesman is not entitled to the sale. The customer is not obliged to buy.

I do agree, Cuddlebug, that it is time to move on. Do both of you a favor and liberate each other.


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

Just imagine, mrs CB starts watching what she eats, starts exercising like crazy, loses a bunch of weight and dresses beautifully but still has absolutely no interest in you at all. Would you be happy she did all those things you wanted her to do?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

jld said:


> How is it on her?
> 
> If a salesman wants a customer to buy, it is on the salesman to motivate the customer to buy. The salesman is not entitled to the sale. The customer is not obliged to buy.
> 
> I do agree, Cuddlebug, that it is time to move on. Do both of you a favor and liberate each other.


Motivation comes from within. Externally, there really are only two motivators: reward and punishment. CB can reward his wife with praise, love or material goods or he can punish her with shame, deprivation of love or material goods. She seems immune to rewards and CB loves her too much to try punishment (thank God).


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Motivation comes from within. Externally, there really are only two motivators: reward and punishment. CB can reward his wife with praise, love or material goods or he can punish her with shame, deprivation of love or material goods. She seems immune to rewards and CB loves her too much to try punishment (thank God).


Absolutely.

But reward and punishment are only going to be effective to the extent she has any real interest in him. 

She may want the marriage, but if she doesn't also want him she might do the bare minimum to keep it. Maybe.

It still won't make him happy.....few would be happy with that. He's afraid to otherwise blow up his life and I get that. 

He's going to need to decide what it's worth to him.


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## Template 2 (Feb 16, 2017)

CB- You are in-between a rock and a hard place, for sure. I have read several of your previous threads. One of the things I did notice was when Mrs. CB lost weight, she was a lot more frisky and was pleased with how she looked and had more self confidence. (Even the tone of your posts was positive) So, I can only assume that if she adopted a healthier lifestyle, she would feel that way again.

Obviously, Mrs. CB is a passive person and it is not likely that she will spontaneously embark on a long list of uncomfortable changes that would be necessary for her to be thin. You seem to be a self described, motivated person, open to taking on the difficult tasks you deemed needed to make the positive changes you envisioned. You have transformed yourself physically, have remodeled your home, and have budgeted and saved money so that you and Mrs. CB could potentially retire early, real early. Clearly, you are the leader in the relationship.

Divorce is a difficult thing. There is the emotional component. Even if you initiate the divorce, you and she will suffer tremendously. And, financially, you risk that early retirement and will take a hit income wise. Plus, you may or may not find Mrs. CB Right. You may find that there is always some component missing in the women you find. Everyone has some flaws and over a period of time, that which did not register as a flaw, may become a real deal breaker for you and you find yourself in the same situation, older, with less options going forward.

Since you are clearly the leader in the marriage, why don't you lead her to a healthier lifestyle? Tell her that you have been thinking about it a lot and you really miss how happy she was when she lost weight and was modeling her smaller jeans and clothes for you and was so much sexier. Tell her you miss the more uninhibited sex you guys had when she was losing weight. Tell her that it made you so happy to see her happy and you want to recapture that time again. Tell her that this is very, very important to you and you are onboard to helping her get that back. Ask her to commit to 6 weeks of working toward that goal with a reevaluation at the end.

Then, tell her you will do whatever it takes to help her. Offer therapy. She may need it to deal with why she eats. There can be a lot going on in her head that you do not know about. If she can figure that out, she is much more likely to be part of the 15% of people who do not regain their weight loss. There are online calculators that tell you, based on your age, weight and desired weekly weigh loss, how many calories you should eat daily. Figure her food based on that. Tell her you will do the shopping and cooking to help her avoid the temptations at the grocery store. Since she is a snacker, be sure that there is a bag of fresh, cut up veggies and a tasty high protein dip (hummus made without oil is delicious). Cook all the meat for a week at one time. Freeze 3 days worth and keep 3 days worth in the fridge marked for each day of the week. That way, mealtime is easy-heat a measured portion of meat and dress a salad and lunch or dinner is ready. Pack her lunch when you pack yours. Make a weeks worth of steel cut oats at a time. Freeze portions (flatten so they fit in the bowl later) in baggies. Keep a bag of frozen mixed berries on hand. Breakfast time, microwave heat the oatmeal in a bowl, defrost some berries by running water over them in a sieve, and dress with cinnamon and stevia sweetener. Easy to do and gives no excuse to hit the donut shop. During the 6 weeks, there are no cheat days and no formal exercise program. Changing one habit at a time is hard, demanding two big changes would be defeating for her. After 6 weeks, introduce a 500 calorie cheat day each week, along with exercise 4 times a week. If necessary, get an exercise bike or treadmill (and stick a TV in front of it for encouragement) just to help her burn calories at home. No hassle or embarassment about going to the gym. If she will walk outside with you, great. She should get some traction with an organized approach and as she loses weight, should also regain her frisky. Success breeds success. Be gentle, but matter of fact. Give her every opportunity to succeed. Celebrate her successes and help her analyze her failures and strategize how to avoid the same mistake again. When you get frustrated, remember you are in this for the long game. Also, remember that she may never be into fitness as much as you are and that is OK as long as she achieves a healthy weight and is better engaged in life.

Is that a lot of work for you? Yes, it is. However, she is your partner. You resent her, but love her, too. If this works, it will pay benefits for both of you individually, and also benefit the long term health of your marriage. If it doesn't work, you can tell her that you have tried everything you know how to do, but that she does not seem to care much about herself, you, or the marriage and you have given up hope of being happy together. And then, you can walk away with no regret, knowing that you guys are completely incompatible and she is not going to change.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

CB, 

What is it you want or need from us?
How can we help you?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

CuddleBug said:


> Mrs.CuddleBug buys treats so she can eat them and not feel as guilty.....or she doesn't want sex so she buys dinner......very predictable.
> 
> I never said I was a saint and Mrs.CuddleBug is the devil. I said Mrs.CuddeBug is a great wife for everything "BUT not physicality and sex."
> 
> ...


I don't think that we should expect our SO's to make us happy, but I tend to view marriage as a partnership, two people wanting to share most of life together. You don't have to enjoy everything together, or think alike, but for much of life, it'd be nice to have someone who enjoys going through life WITH you. And not as a roommate. So your wife sounds like a good person, etc...but you both do not have a husband/wife relationship, and the longer you wait ...your life is passing you by. I can't help but wonder if some people on here stay in bad marriages, or marriages that are stagnant, etc...because they are afraid what people in their lives (family, etc) will say. You can't live your life for what others think. 

Someone doesn't have the power to make us happy nor should be expected to, but you just had higher hopes for marriage, and there's nothing wrong with that. She is content being your roommate, and sharing bills together. So, at this point, you should make a decision, either stay and accept that this is what it is, or leave. But to live on a fence, always complaining about your spouse (even though we get why you do) ...is only hurting yourself. 

Praying for you.


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## ZDog377 (May 31, 2015)

CuddleBug said:


> Mrs.CuddleBug buys treats so she can eat them and not feel as guilty.....or she doesn't want sex so she buys dinner......very predictable.
> 
> I never said I was a saint and Mrs.CuddleBug is the devil. I said Mrs.CuddeBug is a great wife for everything "BUT not physicality and sex."
> 
> ...


And here I thought my wife was the only one able to fall asleep during foreplay. Your story is almost the same as mine.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I think that Mr. Cuddlebug is very passive aggressive and maybe he should start to be honest with his wife. Like... telling her she shouldn't be eating those chips. 

I think that Mr. Cuddlebug likes to be the victim. Instead of doing something about his problem he wants to come on here and complain and get sympathy. 

Mrs. Cuddlebug doesn't read minds. If her husband every once in a while tells her she needs to lose weight, then he acts normal the majority is the time... this confuses Mrs. Cuddlebug. 

Mr. Cuddlebug is a talker. He talks talks talks. He speaks and thinks negatively of his wife, but does nothing. Mr. Cuddlebug is not a doer. 

Mr. Cuddlebug needs to accept the situation he's in, and think positively of his wife, or he should actually do something, like leave her. Mr. Cuddlebug won't do anything though. 

Mrs. Cuddlebug is probably happy, living a life that makes her happy. Mr. Cuddlebug isn't happy, he's negative.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Katie,

Good summation. Their issue isn't communication its compatibility. 

Recently they had a blunt exchange in which she mentioned that he seemed distant and he told her she was 80 pounds overweight and making no effort to address it. 

Shortly after that she brought home a bunch of fudge brownies and Cinnamon rings. That was a message. 




katiecrna said:


> I think that Mr. Cuddlebug is very passive aggressive and maybe he should start to be honest with his wife. Like... telling her she shouldn't be eating those chips.
> 
> I think that Mr. Cuddlebug likes to be the victim. Instead of doing something about his problem he wants to come on here and complain and get sympathy.
> 
> ...


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

MEM2020 said:


> Katie,
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Yes she is sending a message... she is going to do what she wants. She obviously knows he's not going to do anything about it. He hasn't for years and he won't now. 
She is fine and happy. HE is the one with the problem. She isn't going to change and she made it clear. Take her as she is, or leave.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

katiecrna said:


> Yes she is sending a message... she is going to do what she wants. She obviously knows he's not going to do anything about it. He hasn't for years and he won't now.
> She is fine and happy. HE is the one with the problem. She isn't going to change and she made it clear. Take her as she is, or leave.




Yep to point. I'd still like more honest communication before divorce. CB you are way too indirect and passive aggressive / avoidant. Did you say something BEFORE you through away her treats? I didn't think so - throwing them away is an underhanded passive aggressive act. It is NOT direct and it is NOT honest and it is NOT open. It is NOT respectful.

An honest, direct reaction would be to tell her you're angry at her because you OBVIOUSLY are. Then say you don't want garbage food like that around the house and you don't like her eating it. That's direct. You don't have to make any threats or be sneaky - just honest.

And after a few direct discussions, then if you have boundaries that are being crossed, articulate that.

Finally - she should be free to do what she damn well pleases and gorge herself with sweets. You have a right to a response - which is usually divorce if your boundaries are not compatible. But if you choose not to act, then recognize this isn't actually a boundary and let it go. You can't have a boundary that you have no intention of enforcing - that's just whining


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I liked most of this. He does not however get to tell her what food he 'wants/doesn't want' in the house. She's his wife, not his child. 

His only moves are acceptance or divorce. 

I am confident that when CB returns he will repeat that her behavior is self destructive (therefore wrong), while his is healthy therefore right. 






TheTruthHurts said:


> Yep to point. I'd still like more honest communication before divorce. CB you are way too indirect and passive aggressive / avoidant. Did you say something BEFORE you through away her treats? I didn't think so - throwing them away is an underhanded passive aggressive act. It is NOT direct and it is NOT honest and it is NOT open. It is NOT respectful.
> 
> An honest, direct reaction would be to tell her you're angry at her because you OBVIOUSLY are. Then say you don't want garbage food like that around the house and you don't like her eating it. That's direct. You don't have to make any threats or be sneaky - just honest.
> 
> ...


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Yep to point. I'd still like more honest communication before divorce. CB you are way too indirect and passive aggressive / avoidant. Did you say something BEFORE you through away her treats? I didn't think so - throwing them away is an underhanded passive aggressive act. It is NOT direct and it is NOT honest and it is NOT open. It is NOT respectful.
> 
> An honest, direct reaction would be to tell her you're angry at her because you OBVIOUSLY are. Then say you don't want garbage food like that around the house and you don't like her eating it. That's direct. You don't have to make any threats or be sneaky - just honest.
> 
> ...


If he's the one paying the medical premiums and bills he's quite vested into what she's eating...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

John,

He explicitly says she is the main breadwinner earlier in this thread. 




john117 said:


> If he's the one paying the medical premiums and bills he's quite vested into what she's eating...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Mrs.CB could claim that CB pulled a bait&switch on her and is now angry that she won't play by his new rules. Yes, he was young. No, he doesn't get to make up the rules as he goes along. No, he doesn't get to whine "she would if she loved me".


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

We read his thoughts in this post, and he has a right to feel the way he does. 

I think there's an awful lot of supposition about what he does/doesn't do, how he acts/doesn't act, when no one here to my knowledge knows him in person or what he's doing when he's not posting his truth here. This is from members I normally respect the opinion of... But I think they are more fixated on his staying in an intolerable situation (and telling him he's wrong) than thinking about how difficult a choice this is for him and why it's such a tough one... Why he is still in this relationship despite feeling disappointed by his wife's choices. 

He obviously doesn't want to leave her or he'd have been long gone. Whether he believes in marriage /upholding vows, or clinging to the hope that his partner will start to care about her health and physical appearance, whether he wants to keep an otherwise comfortable and good life, whether you or I or anyone stumbling upon this post thinks he's on a passive - aggressive fool's errand, he came here for a reason, has stuck by his truth despite being hit by numerous 2x4s and STILL believes in his truth. 

Maybe the angle of approach needs a bit of adjusting from some posters here. Just my observations and 2c, for what it's worth.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

It is a tough position. He doesn't want to leave, but he is terribly unhappy because his wife is very overweight and isn't interested in a frequent, enthusiastic sex life.

I don't think there is anything HE can do or say to drastically and permanently change these two things about his wife.

It does seem like decision time. Decide to leave, or accept her like she is and stop complaining to himself about her....


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Satay,
Posting as a fellow citizen - not a mod. 
I am not seeing a general tone of posters not understanding why he is upset. 

I believe folks are taking issue with his actions. He's trying to nag/shame/scare his partner into doing what he wants. 

And I actually agree that he has the healthy lifestyle and she doesn't. Which is why know most folks wouldn't blame him for ending the marriage. 

In a way - this template is common: I am too insecure to leave the marriage, so I'm going to try to force my existing partner to be the person I want. 





Satya said:


> We read his thoughts in this post, and he has a right to feel the way he does.
> 
> I think there's an awful lot of supposition about what he does/doesn't do, how he acts/doesn't act, when no one here to my knowledge knows him in person or what he's doing when he's not posting his truth here. This is from members I normally respect the opinion of... But I think they are more fixated on his staying in an intolerable situation (and telling him he's wrong) than thinking about how difficult a choice this is for him and why it's such a tough one... Why he is still in this relationship despite feeling disappointed by his wife's choices.
> 
> ...


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

MEM2020 said:


> Satay,
> Posting as a fellow citizen - not a mod.
> I am not seeing a general tone of posters not understanding why he is upset.
> 
> ...


Mem, thanks for your response and I do agree with some things you've said. 

I think that perhaps, yes at first he may have been shaming her - at least, it was something to be read in his posts and it clearly brought out some 2x4s.

Since that behavior wasn't bringing a desired effect, it seems he's backed off with her and is trying to be hands off and just focus on himself. Yet posters (in my interpretation) are still giving him a hard time for his thoughts because they conflict with what he actually seems to want, which is to stay with his wife. It's an internal struggle for sure that he's got to deal with. 

Maybe he'll decide to leave her some day, if or when he's reached his limit, maybe it's kinder and more fair to her if he did leave now, maybe she'll leave HIM! But for now, he's staying. He just doesn't want a fat wife who doesn't care about her health and isn't very interested in sex. 

It's almost like no one here will just tell him it's OK to not want a fat wife. I don't know if it's a desire to be PC or just not get themselves in hot water or spark unnecessary debate, or accidentally cross the boundary into fat shaming (which no one is doing in this post by the way, IMO). 

So I'll say it- CB, it's OK to not want a fat wife. 

Sincerely, I wish you all the best!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Satya,

Since almost every single post he makes includes complaints about her - I'm not seeing a big shift in focus. 




Satya said:


> Mem, thanks for your response and I do agree with some things you've said.
> 
> I think that perhaps, yes at first he may have been shaming her - at least, it was something to be read in his posts and it clearly brought out some 2x4s.
> 
> ...


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

MEM2020 said:


> John,
> 
> He explicitly says she is the main breadwinner earlier in this thread.


Ah. I must have missed it. This changes the dynamic in many ways, because she may feel he's not providing on top of everything else.

It does make me wonder about her state of mind, because super heavyweight people in the workplace generally aren't the kind that advance - thin privilege and all that...


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

MEM2020 said:


> Satya,
> 
> Since almost every single post he makes includes complaints about her - I'm not seeing a big shift in focus.


Having heard the exact same comment myself I can remind the collective that some people are simply that messed up.

Reality is a harsh mistress.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I disagree with you @Satya. I think we are making it clear to him that what he is doing isn't helping the situation... and is actually harming it. 

His wife is over weight and doesn't like sex and doesn't seem to want to change that. She has other positive attributes that he likes. (This is how all marriage is, positive and negative attributes). He takes a very negative and wrong attitude... he judges her harshly. He thinks... she's an adult, she SHOULD take care of herself, she SHOULD maximize her life, she SHOULD make an effort to make me happy. SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD. Honestly should-Ing people is not good.
This is absolutely terrible! If he loves her he should focus on her good qualities. If he loves her he should make it his mission to get her healthy if it bothers him that much. The point is... he should do something. Accept her for who she is and stop focusing on the negative, or make it his mission to help her lose weight. He is doing the worst of both... he is focusing on her negative attributes, shaming her in his head, and not helping her lose weight. How is this going to end good??? Really though that's ridiculous. It's been over 10 years, thinking she is going to step up and change is like waiting for pigs to fly. 
Honestly @Satya how is what he doing going to help their situation? 

If he doesn't want to leave her for whatever reason, then he needs to accept her and love her. You can love and accept someone and not like certain things about them... welcome to marriage. Focusing and talking about the negative is not good for him or their relationship. It's unhealthy. Our thoughts have enormous influences on our happiness and our life. If you find yourself being very negative there is a way to stop... if you start to speak positively you will start to think positively. So we actively have to make an effort to speak positive. Positivity spreads, it makes people around us happy and it makes us happy. Negativity brings people down, and it brings us down. So STOP living in the negative.
Mr. Cuddlebug is so depressing and negative and is a "victim." He purposely speaks negative, thinks negative, focuses on the negative, he created a negative little world where he chooses to live and he comes on here and wants to get sympathy, wants us to enable him and talk about how Terrible his wife is and how sad it must be to be him. 

He does not need sympathy. He needs a kick in the ass. He needs perspective. Some People would do anything to have his life. To have his "problems". Which are really all in his head.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I value your opinion, @katiecrna. 
It's not necessary that we agree.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> I disagree with you @Satya. I think we are making it clear to him that what he is doing isn't helping the situation... and is actually harming it.
> 
> His wife is over weight and doesn't like sex and doesn't seem to want to change that. She has other positive attributes that he likes. (This is how all marriage is, positive and negative attributes). He takes a very negative and wrong attitude... he judges her harshly. He thinks... she's an adult, she SHOULD take care of herself, she SHOULD maximize her life, she SHOULD make an effort to make me happy. SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD. Honestly should-Ing people is not good.
> This is absolutely terrible! If he loves her he should focus on her good qualities. If he loves her he should make it his mission to get her healthy if it bothers him that much. The point is... he should do something. Accept her for who she is and stop focusing on the negative, or make it his mission to help her lose weight. He is doing the worst of both... he is focusing on her negative attributes, shaming her in his head, and not helping her lose weight. How is this going to end good??? Really though that's ridiculous. It's been over 10 years, thinking she is going to step up and change is like waiting for pigs to fly.
> ...


His problems aren't "all in his head." His wife is very overweight. He doesn't have a sex life. I bet you wouldn't like it if your husband gained 80 pounds and was still eating brownies and cinnamon buns and french fries. 

Are the things you complain about your husband just "all in YOUR head" that you just "need perspective"on?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Livvie said:


> His problems aren't "all in his head." His wife is very overweight. He doesn't have a sex life. I bet you wouldn't like it if your husband gained 80 pounds and was still eating brownies and cinnamon buns and french fries.
> 
> Are the things you complain about your husband just "all in YOUR head" that you just "need perspective"on?




I married a health conscious skinny man. Not an already overweight women like the OP did! 

If my husband starts to gain weight above 15lbs I would tell him he needs to watch what he is doing. I buy healthy food and cook healthy meals. We work out TOGETHER when we cAn. 

The point is I wouldn't watch passively as my spouse gets unhealthy and gains weight. I would interject. I would be super direct and on a mission to get him back on track just like he would do for me. Spouses are suppose to make each other better not enable each other and watch passively while their go down hill. 

Gaining 80lbs doesn't happen over night. I would never let my spouse gain 80lbs. 

The first years of their marriage have been the same as today. Sexless and overweight. It's been almost 20 years... what does he expect to happen? The fact that he hasn't faced reality is the problem. It's in his head. This isn't new. This is how she was in the beginning, and this is how the relationship always was. The problem is in his head.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

When someone is 80-100+ pounds overweight... the problem is not just them. The problem is the family and people around her that supposedly love her. Passive, enabling people watch her make bad decisions day after day after day. It is NOT right. You think your being nice and good by not saying anything because you don't want to hurt their feelings but this is not nice! This is not love. This is enabling. Loving someone is doing what's best for them, even if they think it's mean now, they will thank you later. 

People need to get over this fear they have of being the "bad guy". If you loved her you would have a intervention, tell her you can't stand to see her that overweight, not because of the physical component but because she is unhealthy! Make it your mission to get her life back on track. She will hate you at first, but this is what shows her that you actually do care and do love her. I don't understand why people don't understand this!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Livvie said:


> His problems aren't "all in his head." His wife is very overweight. He doesn't have a sex life. I bet you wouldn't like it if your husband gained 80 pounds and was still eating brownies and cinnamon buns and french fries.
> 
> Are the things you complain about your husband just "all in YOUR head" that you just "need perspective"on?


It was my understanding that she was overweight when he married her and she at some point lost 80 pounds and put it back on. 

Not the same as him marrying her thin and her gaining. 

Unless I'm mistaken about that, but he has specifically said she was unhealthy when they met and married.

Does your hb have a right to be mad about things that you've always done now that he thinks be deserves better? He married you as you are.


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## Necronomicon (Mar 20, 2014)

Hi CB,

A few pages back you asked for specific advice as to what worked to increase an LDs sex drive as well as successful wight loss.

My marriage was like yours. Great wife (I thought), overweight (not as much as yours but enough that it bothered me) and didn't want sex. Once a month, if I was lucky all though my 20s and 30s. And when it did happen it wasn't no marathon Sex in the City special or anything like that.

Probably not the advice you want to hear but it worked like a charm. I left her.

Not the ultimatum, the "if you don't, I'm gonna" type thing because when I tried that it didn't do squat. I left. Finito.

Within 2 months her wight was down 25 to 30 pounds and she was horny as heck, HD barely describes what she is now. It's just not with me.

I'm a little bitter (hehehe who wouldn't be) that she'll give it up to rando's easier than she would with the father of her children, the man who promised to love her forever, provided for her and supported her through various medical issues over the years. It's probably just self destructive behavior, on her part, to try and get over the self esteem hit of having a failed marriage. I don't expect it to last forever, it certainly didn't for me.

But it doesn't hurt. The hurt was the years of torture lying beside her wishing that maybe something would change, wondering why she didn't love me. Wondering what it was that I was doing wrong.

It was hard, but I got through it. You too would get through it, in fact you'll find that there are some amazing women out there that will match your sex drive without having to be coerced, or begged, or chided. They will want to take care of themselves and to top it all off they can have the same positive personality attributes your wife has that keeps you in the marriage.

None of this is about your wife, this is about you. Be the change you need. Based on what you've said about yourself I know you have the willpower, but you may have a little co-dependency to get over. I know I did.

Good luck.

There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Necro


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Katie,
Longevity drivers are a mix of mechanics and emotion. Plenty of chronically anxious folks have a mechanically healthy life. The mechanics are basic:
- Don't smoke
- Exercise 
- Eat healthy
- Decent amount of sleep

But folks who are constantly flooding their body with stress hormones, tend not to live as long. 

Weight - sadly - seems to be largely 'trait' driven, as opposed to chosen. 

There is a great article about the long term outcomes of the winners of the tv show: The biggest loser

Essentially their bodies appear 'fight' them when it comes to weight loss. Humans have a 'hibernation lite' mode which enables our bodies to conserve calories. For the biggest loser folks, that mechanism kicks in when they drop below a particular weight. The docs called this a 'set point'. The tragic aspect of it, is for those folks, the 'set point' was a very high weight. 

Long winded way of saying that this is less of a support system issue than it is some traits that turn out to be real helpful when food supplies are intermittently scarce....

Which has been the case for most of human history. 




katiecrna said:


> When someone is 80-100+ pounds overweight... the problem is not just them. The problem is the family and people around her that supposedly love her. Passive, enabling people watch her make bad decisions day after day after day. It is NOT right. You think your being nice and good by not saying anything because you don't want to hurt their feelings but this is not nice! This is not love. This is enabling. Loving someone is doing what's best for them, even if they think it's mean now, they will thank you later.
> 
> People need to get over this fear they have of being the "bad guy". If you loved her you would have a intervention, tell her you can't stand to see her that overweight, not because of the physical component but because she is unhealthy! Make it your mission to get her life back on track. She will hate you at first, but this is what shows her that you actually do care and do love her. I don't understand why people don't understand this!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

She has to want to lose the weight for herself. She doesn't. She is happy in her world of brownies and cinnamon buns.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Walk the problem back and see why she's eating like that. While I would love to eat like that too, I would not make a habit of it. It's likely something that she could resolve via IC.

Also, her physician is not doing his or her job to let her get there. Dr. Quack kept harping at my wife to lose weight when she was 130 lb... She dropped to 125.. 

Her employer may have healthy living incentives. Ours do. 

Find out why she's doing it - "just because" is not an excuse.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

And another thing. If she's a good cook get her to actually cook the bad stuff. My daughter is a superb dessert cook and has made many a cheesecake or cinnamon rolls from pure scratch. Understanding exactly what goes into such foods is a revelation in itself.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

CuddleBug said:


> If she has any fantasies, she knows I'd do them with her. Same with her buying toys and oils. She knows this. I have never told her I'm tired, its too late, I have to work tomorrow, after this tv show or I'm really into reading this novel, etc, etc, etc. I have never sighed, rolled my eyes, again? NEVER. I have never fallen asleep during foreplay.....she has with me, my member in her hand and zzzzzzzz. But this is all okay because she is LD and won't make the effort and change.......quit defending people like this. You're defending the criminal and not the victim.
> 
> Everyone here says I'm treating Mrs.CuddleBug badly......what about Mrs.CuddleBug letting herself go, obese and doing nothing about her LD and we've talked about it??? She is treating me badly. Get it right.
> 
> ...


This is so sad to read. 

But I think that you need to focus on positives instead of negative. 
There is a lot of negative and defeat in your words and maybe that has come from years of rejection. The resentments alone with make you stressed and angry.
It's like you're stuck in this endless loop of thinking. 

You talk a lot about taking care of your body, but I think you should focus on getting a healthy mind. Sometimes we need therapy to achieve that. 

I think some IC just for you would be very beneficial. 
Focus on getting ways to challenge those negative feelings and thoughts. Focus on having your mind healthy. 

We can't control others, we can't make them be who we want them to be, but we can do that for ourselves and sometimes our spouse might see our positive change and follow us when we least expect it. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Getting back to the topic at hand, there's not much C1 can do to change C2. So as always he can suck it up or go elsewhere.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm deleting the thread jack of you all arguing between each other.

Only post directly to the OP, addressing his issues.

Anyone who continues the read jack can look forward to a few day break from the board (aka ban).

{Speaking as a moderator.}


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

CB, feel for you. In somewhat the same boat as you. We're a bit older than you (50), but my wife is also overweight (she's not obese, but she could lose 40-50 lbs). She actually lost the weight over five years ago, but it's all come back. She will make noise about getting back on the wagon, but never follows through. For example, last weekend she stated that starting tomorrow (meaning that next Monday), she was going to start watching what she eats and try to exercise (it's been a warm winter here). She had her food all ready for work the next day. Come Thursday, that was all out the window - eating pizza, scarfing a cupcake from a batch that a neighbor brought over, eating a bag of chips, etc. Sits on her rear when she could be outside with the kids (I always take the kids outside when I'm home and it's nice). I don't say anything about her weight - I do encourage her if she wants to exercise, and we'll all go out for a walk when we can, but I never mention how she's overweight. She knows, and doesn't need me to tell her. 

As for sex, that's out the window. Her drive is long gone, and it's driven my drive down. When she dresses nice, she still looks good even though she's overweight, and I'd overlook the weight if our sex life was good (she was overweight for the first five or six years of our marriage plus the two plus years before we got married, but our sex life was good so the weight didn't bother me).

You can't force your wife to change - she has to want to do it. You have to hope that the epiphany will hit and she'll realize that she's tired of being fat and wants to change herself. She's still young enough to make a change, but the ball is in her court. You're doing the right thing in trying to set an example, but she has to realize what it takes to lose the weight. It comes down to does her enjoying junk food outweigh her wanting to get in shape. Only she can make that decision - all you can do is support her if she decides that she wants to change her path.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I'm deleting the thread jack of you all arguing between each other.
> 
> Only post directly to the OP, addressing his issues.
> 
> ...




Thank you.:smthumbup:


As a positive start, when Mrs.CuddleBug asks me about what we should get for dinner, I now tell her, wraps, subs, etc. and healthy organic chicken fingers, etc. She now buys this and the diet is improving for her. So no more fudge brownies and treats. She wants a snack, fruits, chicken fingers, salad, etc. and you get the idea.

I also bought her another kitchen item, that she is actually interested in. Vegetable Spiral Slicer.

So I'm changing our diet more and buying fun kitchen items we can both use. It's a start.



My two questions.


(01) If you were LD, what did you do to meet half way for your HD spouses needs?


(02) If you were overweight, what did you do to get in shape? Motivation? What got you started? What did you do?



I'm here to try and learn. Anything else is useless info and I agree with EleGirl.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like you are making some changes in the right direction. Good!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

1. Meeting the HD "halfway" is pointless numerically. If her idea is 4x a year, a 100% increase is 8x a year. Rejoice 😁

2. Cycling - it allows for quality time together quite well. I tried walking and treadmill and hated both - cycling is far more interesting. 

Keep in mind that you aren't addressing the root causes of her LD. You and her can win the tour de France and it won't help in the intimacy department... Been there... 

Incidentally, hearing other peoples' experience is hardly useless info. It's data. It's up to us to separate data from chaff. Such long term - hardcore - sex aversion cases are rarely resolved without professional intervention.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

john117 said:


> 1. Meeting the HD "halfway" is pointless numerically. If her idea is 4x a year, a 100% increase is 8x a year. Rejoice 😁
> 
> 2. Cycling - it allows for quality time together quite well. I tried walking and treadmill and hated both - cycling is far more interesting.
> 
> ...




That's a really good point. Sad but true.

Mrs.Cuddlebug's root cause for her LD, is her extreme insecurity about her size, how she was badly treated in high school and her bad ex bf, so she focused on her job and nothing else. Her parents are also ultra quiet, shy and conservative and she is to an extent as well.

I would have no issues going to a sex therapist with Mrs.CuddeBug. Would she do the same? Probably not.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> It sounds like you are making some changes in the right direction. Good!



Yuppers. Hopefully this continues.


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## Template 2 (Feb 16, 2017)

CB-
As I recall, your sex life improved the last time Mrs. CB lost weight. She was modeling her new clothes for you and sexier. You were happy at that time. She may never be as sexually adventurous as you, but I think you will like her better if she is taking care of herself as a way to show you she respects you and your marriage. That may go a long way towards making the less that ideal sex life easier to deal with.

I was LD because I was perpetually tired and stressed. After I lost the weight, I really had no change in libido. Being smaller did not increase the self confidence my husband destroyed with his unkind words and actions. As such, I recognize sex as a marital obligation and oblige. It is sad, but I have not been able to reconcile my feeling that I am only as good as my dress size.

When I was trying to lose weight I went to the gym to increase my calorie burn every day. I went at 3:30 in the morning to avoid the gym rats and hot soccer moms. I did it for about 6 months. I also saw a personal trainer in her home to be sure I was doing all the right things to not injure myself. I alternated cardio (bike, treadmill, elliptical) with agility and balance exercises and weight training. I bagged the gym after I reached goal weight but continue once a week with the personal trainer. Currently, I walk 4 miles a day in my neighborhood or on my home treadmill 6 days a week, doing a Tabata on three of those days (cuts 20 minutes off my exercise time). I detest the gym but find walking tolerable (barely). 

I struggle every day with food. I use My Fitness Pal to control my caloric intake and record my exercise. I live in a very controlled environment as far as what food is in the house. My husband loves his treats and I have to watch him snarf down candy bars, pop, chips, and other delicious snacks. He feels it is my obligation to control my food and it is not his responsibility to make it easier on me.

I notice that you are talking healthy wraps and subs. Mrs. CB would do better to avoid the refined carbs in the wrapper and bread. If she is going to eat a wrap, use a couple of romaine leaves and ditch the tortilla, saving at least 120 calories. When you buy a sub, get the ones with the least processed meats and have them put all the veggies on it. Then, ditch the sub bun and put the contents on a bed of lettuce, saving a couple hundred calories. If she feels empty without the carbs, use slow carbs like steel cut oats and brown rice. Both will fill her up and release energy slowly. The chicken fingers should be grilled and unbreaded.

Anyway, glad to hear there is some progress being made. Help her to get traction on this. She will remember you helped her and that can only go well for you.

Good luck!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> That's a really good point. Sad but true.
> 
> Mrs.Cuddlebug's root cause for her LD, is her extreme insecurity about her size, how she was badly treated in high school and her bad ex bf, so she focused on her job and nothing else. Her parents are also ultra quiet, shy and conservative and she is to an extent as well.
> 
> I would have no issues going to a sex therapist with Mrs.CuddeBug. Would she do the same? Probably not.


Is she receptive to any kind of counseling? That's my last card as well. No counseling, it's walk time. 

You can avoid an issue up to a point, or face it. Together preferably.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> Mrs.Cuddlebug's root cause for her LD, is her extreme insecurity about her size, how she was badly treated in high school and her bad ex bf, so she focused on her job and nothing else. Her parents are also ultra quiet, shy and conservative and she is to an extent as well.
> 
> I would have no issues going to a sex therapist with Mrs.CuddeBug. Would she do the same? Probably not.


I think her LD is far more deeply rooted. It's intrinsic to who she is, to simply not need or think about sex that much. An HD person has sex no matter what their weight or treatment. An LD person uses weight as an excuse not to have sex. An HD person would leap at the chance to improve their sex life with therapy. An LD person avoid sex therapy like the plague.

You are unhappy about two separate things. Her unhealthy weight, and her low interest in sex. Don't pressure her to fix her weight thinking it will also fix the LD issue.

Why not go to a sex therapist by yourself? You might get some ideas for making her feel desirable despite her weight, or what you can do to trigger responsive desire, or techniques to use to enhance her pleasure and make sex more enjoyable for her.

One thing I learned the hard way about LD is that it can develop when one partner doesn't get anything out of sex, that the idea of sex has become all about the other person. The more you tell her sex is important to YOU, the more she'll feel it's a chore for HER. Being heavy could be her way of trying to make you want sex less, like a shield of unattractiveness.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> I think her LD is far more deeply rooted. It's intrinsic to who she is, to simply not need or think about sex that much. An HD person has sex no matter what their weight or treatment. An LD person uses weight as an excuse not to have sex. An HD person would leap at the chance to improve their sex life with therapy. An LD person avoid sex therapy like the plague.
> 
> You are unhappy about two separate things. Her unhealthy weight, and her low interest in sex. Don't pressure her to fix her weight thinking it will also fix the LD issue.
> 
> ...



You're right. Nailed it pretty good.

I can go to a sex therapist? To find ways to have more sex with my LD wife? Better sexual aids/toys? I need a way to lower my adventurous sex drive or increase hers. I am physical so that works for me more than talking. My main love language is physical rating 12 (highest).

I could still have sex every day and sometimes multiple times a day, or in an hour......but I can lower it to say 3x week. Even at 3x week, that's just enough for me not to relieve myself and / or view porn. Basically zero porn and zero relieving myself. The urges are totally controlled and I honestly forget about porn altogether. No, I don't view porn every day, more like 1x month when my sex drive is that bad.

I don't think being heavy is a shield against Mrs.CuddleBug and I having sex. She was heavy when we got married and in her high school years. She's always been that way but has never gone to a gym, life style change, eat better to get healthier and over the years, the weight would come off and then its maintenance. It's motivating her is the real issue.

Would you rather eats treats and junk food, chillin' on the couch, a nice cold beverage, watch some tv, laptop, maybe a nap OR go to the gym for an hour?:grin2:

With my sex toy, I get it out of my system and never pester Mrs.CuddleBug for sex anymore. No more endless rejections with excuses.:smthumbup:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

john117 said:


> Is she receptive to any kind of counseling? That's my last card as well. No counseling, it's walk time.
> 
> You can avoid an issue up to a point, or face it. Together preferably.



I could suggest sexual counseling, but I know she'd avoid it like the plaque. She doesn't even want to talk about sex. Uneasy for her.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Template 2 said:


> CB-
> As I recall, your sex life improved the last time Mrs. CB lost weight. She was modeling her new clothes for you and sexier. You were happy at that time. She may never be as sexually adventurous as you, but I think you will like her better if she is taking care of herself as a way to show you she respects you and your marriage. That may go a long way towards making the less that ideal sex life easier to deal with.
> 
> I was LD because I was perpetually tired and stressed. After I lost the weight, I really had no change in libido. Being smaller did not increase the self confidence my husband destroyed with his unkind words and actions. As such, I recognize sex as a marital obligation and oblige. It is sad, but I have not been able to reconcile my feeling that I am only as good as my dress size.
> ...




That's true. When Mrs.CuddleBug started going to the gym, she lost a lot of weight, new smaller clothes, modeled some for me, she even had a sex drive increase up to about 2x to 3x week. But then she missed a day here and there and that let to more and now doesn't go to the gym. Result is she gained all her weight back and more.....

Thanks for the gym info and what worked for you.

See, I know Mrs.CuddleBug is weak when it comes to food and treats. Another reason I do the grocery shopping. Our treats are lower sugar, healthier and even gluten free.

Yup, Mrs.CuddleBug has unwraps, chicken, rice and vegies. I have the regular wrap with chicken, vegies and rice. I eat healthy like Mrs.CuddleBug and no junk food for me in front of her. Or we have subway or something else healthy.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Mrs.CuddleBug got us dinner, and told me, I'm walking instead of driving.....Another small step.

So unwrap for her, wrap for me and she walked to get it.....positive start.

Now she loves popcorn, so I buy her organic popcorn and I got her an air popcorn popper.


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