# my son married my husbands daughter



## ellie (Oct 8, 2009)

Hi there, i dont really know where to start.......After both my husband and myself had a failed marriage in the past, we knew each other as friends for some time, husband has 3 children 1 daughter 2 sons and i have 3 sons......After a long friendship we fell in love, and although we both vowed before this that we would never get married again we did. During the courting our children met, they were all grown up, all 17 and above, and we encountered some problems with mergeing but expected this, especially with all that testosterone flying around. The only son that didnt really get to know anyone properly was one of mine, who at the time was completely off the rails, doing drugs, alcohol, and repeat offending. He eventually despite all my efforts to help him, ended up in prison. He came out after a few months vowing never to go back there, and that it was the worst experience in his life, and he met my husband to be's family properly. Little did we know that hubbys daughter, who had a daughter of 4 years would fall hook line and sinker for him. We were very much against it at the time, as obviously our concerns for the granddaughter were paramount. We tried to talk to both of them about taking it slowly as there was a child involved. Of course, they did what they wanted to do anyway, but......my son seemed to pull his socks up, and sort himself out, and proved us wrong. We then were informed that Hubbys daughter was pregnant.....and that they were going to get married. This opened up a whole new can of worms for us, the main one for us being what do we do if it all goes pear shaped. BUT.....again, there was nothing we could do, and they appeared to be very happy, and so did our granddaughter, which was our main concern. My son got a job, went back to college to do a degree, they had a son, our grandson, and they were living a better life than they had done, managed to get into a nice property in a nice side of town, and things were going well..........................until a few weeks ago. Both my son and hubbys daughter started going completely off the rails. Alcohol again being a part to play, and then domestic violence started when the alcohol was present. It got to be 3 weekends on the run where we were called to go and get hubbys daughter and the grandchildren from thier home and bring them to our home. I had experienced domestic violence from my sons father, who went on to committ suicide when my sons were very young so i was very aware of the consequences and the damage and destruction it can cause, but hubbys daughter would not press charges. Things between hubby and me were strained but we were united in our thoughts and feelings about what was happening. I was getting to the point though where i feared so much for the grandchildren that i decided to alert the authorities to see if they could help the family in any way and to keep an eye on the grandchildren, as us alone didnt feel that we could do enough. We had a meeting with them all, and our kids accepted that things could not go on as they had been and that they both needed some help in parenting and counselling about their own past. They were also able to offer gentle counselling to our granddaughter who had seen things that she shouldnt have. They signed a contract, and they left and i felt a little more positive. That same night, we had a call from the police to go and collect the grandchildren.......this is the point where me and hubby fell apart. We just couldnt cope. And cant cope. Hubby finds it hard to talk about his emotions, but is obviously raging inside, but feels powerless to do what he would like to do. I completely understand him, and although i feel ive created a monster in my son, i still have the memories of him as a baby and him growing up that i cant delete. Im in no way condoning anything thats happened, but im human. I detest what he has done, but i do still love him. The split loyalties i have are killing me. I think the world of my grandchildren, and also of my daughter in law, as we were friends before me and her dad actually got together. Hubby this last weekend said he didnt know if he could live with me anymore, because he just couldnt cope with what was happening, which completely devastated me. We have managed to get through the weekend, and he has opened up a little, but both of us feel like we are existing, certainly not coping, and just dont know what to do. We both love our grandchildren so much, and every night we go to bed wondering if we will get another phone call, or even worse, will one of them be in hospital. Social care are now involved heavily, and both parents are getting a lot of help, my son some psychiatric help, but it doesnt take away the worry, and the damage its done to our marriage. We both feel that no matter who we talk to about it, noone can fully understand our position of having both of our children married. If hubbys daughter was married to any other person, yes, we would still have all the concerns, but it would be so much easier to cope with. I dread the next event, and what its going to do to us.......i dont know how much more either of us can take to be honest, we are at breaking point in every way.
If there is anyone else out there in the same situation, please let me know, we both need to find some ways of dealing with this impossible situation.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Sorry to hear all you are going through at the moment. Your son is an adult now, and although you will always love him, he needs to step up or deal with the consequences of his actions. I don't know if you are regularly talking to him, but I would have a conversation & let him know that you love him, that you are proud of all he has done (school, job, etc.) and to really think about what he is throwing away by drinking again...see if he will agree to stop and get help for it. That's really all you can do.

Why does your husband feel he cannot live with you anymore? If it has to do with taking in the grandchildren at a moment's notice, talk through that and see if you can agree how you should approach this as a couple, so you both feel good about your level of involvement.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I have a 20 year old son that is difficult. We've been through the ringer with him and even in good marriages it puts an extreme stress. He's married with relationship drama as well.

Make sure that you and your husband don't pick up their pieces. It's their mess, let them pick it up. That is my first suggestion. 

You and your husband need to be on the same page and work as a team. The problem lies...there will always be conflicts and stress in a marriage...you both need to work as a team and figure this out. It sounds like your marriage has a good foundation but you each want to protect your children. Even his daughter...has played a role in her relationship with your son. 

Let the kids sort their problems out. You can assist but don't TAKE OVER. I know I am that type of parent.

Also, right away get some counseling for your marriage. You need to settle these difference right away and determine what you want and how you want to go about it. 

Let's say the kids end up divorced. Why does your marriage need to be a sacrifice for their marriage? It doesn't. Let them have their problems.


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

From a males perspective. Your son is a grown adult and needs to act like one. You are undermining that by in essence, babying him. He no longer lives under your roof and you need to step back and realize that. I know you want to see him as that little child still but it is doing nothing but undermining not only his responsibilities as a man but your marriage as well. Step back and let him sink or swim. It's called tough love and he needs a good smack in the head to wake up. Put your own marriage first and let them sort it out, their adults.


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## ellie (Oct 8, 2009)

swedish said:


> Sorry to hear all you are going through at the moment. Your son is an adult now, and although you will always love him, he needs to step up or deal with the consequences of his actions. I don't know if you are regularly talking to him, but I would have a conversation & let him know that you love him, that you are proud of all he has done (school, job, etc.) and to really think about what he is throwing away by drinking again...see if he will agree to stop and get help for it. That's really all you can do.
> 
> Why does your husband feel he cannot live with you anymore? If it has to do with taking in the grandchildren at a moment's notice, talk through that and see if you can agree how you should approach this as a couple, so you both feel good about your level of involvement.



My husband feels so angry inside that he feels i should have nothing more to do with my son. I cant do that, in doing that, i risk not seeing my grandchildren, and to be honest, i know im probably wrong, but i feel like i do still as someone said in a later post, have to babysit the family. As soon as we back off from them, it all falls apart. It is really bad actually, its nice to be wanted as parents, but where does our own life start? All of our other kids appear to be quite normal with seeing us now and then. The other kids are also angry that so much of our time is spent one way or another seeing to these two. Its just how we back off and stop all the anxiety. Its really making us both feel very poorly. Thankyou for your reply though......the consensus does seem to be that we have to let be what will be.......


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

probably the hardest job of a mom or dad is allowing their grown children to stumble and fall.

your son has some very serious issues which need immediate attention, and i imagine you haven't expressed in your posts the full extent of his, put mildly, missteps.

the bond between a daughter and father is often a powerfully protective bond.

your husband may unknowingly be angry with himself for raising his daughter in such a way as to fall into a bad relationship with...

his wife's badass son.

you need to do what you can mutually to protect your (your husband's and your) grandchild.

and you need to allow your son, your husband needs to allow his daughter, to fail.

the focus is no longer on them, it's on the grandchild.

and the focus is even more removed from you as a mom or your husband as a dad.

you both had 18 years with your children to do the best you could.

time's up.


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