# Help, my Marriage is Crumbling



## ItsOnlyMe (Dec 22, 2008)

The last few days of my life have been really bad, even worse for my wife..... Its going to be a long post....But I'm going to let it all hang out.

I met her through my sister, they were room mates. Originally, She was dating my room mate, but when things didn't work out there, we started dating and it quickly got very serious. Within 6 months, I closed up my business and moved 400 miles to be with her. She was and is my hearts desire. We moved in together and lived together from mid 95 and got married in 97(on April fools day). We have a 17 year old daughter, my Step daughter, but my girl all the same.

Over the last few years, I have found myself getting complacent and apathetic. Picking on small things(negative), Avoiding those small things like those "hi honey" phone calls during the day(positive). I don't know why i do this. I still madly in love with her.. 

I started having trouble communicating with her ,on an intimate level. There are some childhood issues there and I wont go into that. Anyways, Instead of talking and saying what I fealt, id act out my frustrations. I'd get up in middle of the night stomp around the house. If that didn't work, I'd go lock myself in another room. She'd wake up in middle of the night knocking on the door crying and asking what was wrong and I'd tell her to leave me alone. All this stemming from my inability to communicate, 90% of the time it was about sex, or the lack of it. I'd get upset at the stupidest things. Me doing that made her super sensitive to small things just the same. She would wonder if i was upset at her because i didn't answer my cell phone or was busy and couldn't get to the phone (I'm blue collar and my hands get very dirty, so i need to wash them before i can answer the phone, or put my hands towards my face, or I'd be right in the middle of something). So, now we have me acting like a little kid and as a result, her always walking on egg shells being super sensitive. And this goes on for a few years

At the beginning of December, my wifes grandmother gets Ill(85) she's been sick before, but is tough and always beats it. Not this time. Keep in mind, My wife was raised by her grandmother because her mother ran off. Unknown to me, her granny is terminal. In this time, I send her an email from the road saying I wanted more of her time and I wasn't happy feeling like I was last in line for her attention. Well, at the same time she got my stupid email, she got the news that her grandmother wasn't coming home and was headed to hospice. I can only imagine what she was feeling. Her husband of 11 years and friend of 14 years giving her ultimatums and here grandmother(mother by means) going to die in a week. She passed on 12/21.

Last Tuesday, she tells me she loves me, but isn't sure she wants to be in this relationship. Id ,like to say i was blindsided, but in reality I have been a real putz. In my wildest dreams, I would of never thought that the events of my childhood, no matter how deeply buried in my mind, would of crept out and laid waste to my marriage. 

I have tried talking to her, but how do you talk to your spouse when she is burying her mother(granny), yet I keep trying to do even with EVERYONE I know telling me to give it time. Thats easier said than done with someone that has been told he has mild ADHD. As hard as I try, I cant get a grip of my emotions. They are ruling me . They are gnawing at me every minute I'm awake. i am desperately trying to make things better and by doing that, i am being smothering and making things worse. I don't know how to back off, but I feel ,like I'm dying inside. 

We have agreed to seek counseling and have found someone that will see us before New Years. But she says to me through crying and tears, she's not going to make any promises. 

I don't want this to sound like its all me, and woe is me, But i have manged to mess things up so badly, I don't know what to do. Add Christmas to the whole mess. 

Last thing I wanted to mention, is both her and i work 40-60 hours a week. She usually works 45 hours ( 2 jobs) and i usually do about 50, sometimes 60( self employed) The past few days I haven't been able to even work. getting a grip is easier said than done.. Help

We went out to dinner tonight, on a date, and she acted happy, we talked and had a good time. The counselor called, and I sent the call to voice mail. She asked who it was and I told her. She told me I should answer it because it was important. i called him back and we spoke for 2 minutes and set the appointment. 2 minutes later, She was in tears and said she had to go to the bathroom. I'm going to stop here because I'm starting to go in circles. I have told her I love her now more than anything or anyone and would do whatever it takes to win here back, but she still seems to look at it negatively. 

She has done some pretty ****ty things herself, but thats not what I wanted this post to be about

There have been some tell tale signs. but that would also be another thread in another forum.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

ItsOnlyMe said:


> I started having trouble communicating with her ,on an intimate level. There are some childhood issues there and I wont go into that.
> .
> .
> .
> ...


I feel you're leaving out the information that is most important.

As for timing. Christmas is the worst possible time to try to make anything happen in a hurry. Most families are in a terrible state of stress at this time of year. And this year is arguably worse than most.

Calm down, take a deep breath, and keep writing. You can get through this. We are your sounding board.


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## ItsOnlyMe (Dec 22, 2008)

What im leaving out. I was treated "inappropriately as a child". I cant bring myself to type it. I've not thought about it for many many years. im only 39. Back in the 70's there was no system for helping or catching these things. i never got any counseling. Sometimes i wonder if it all was just a dream, if it really happened or not. I did decide to give complete disclosure to my wife last night and give her as many details as i could remember, trying to put a name/face on my actions, but all I can get is an "i dont know". "I love you but i dont know." " i love you but my feeling have changed and i dont know if they can change back" and the anxeity is starting to paralize me. i had these feeling when we first started dating, this time its 1000% worse...

We still sleep in the same bed, but mentally and emotionally, we are on opposite sides of the planet and its tearing me apart. I told her i feel like a love struck teenager.

We just got another shocker, The funeral plan her gandmother had really didnt cover that much, so she put 3500 on her credit card. because here aunt and mother dont have credit cards or money. i told her ill pay it, i want to. She claims she's used to doing things by herself now anyways, but thats not true. She's only focusing on the negatives. We have had so so many good times, gone to a great many places and seen a great many things together. i mean if i were to try and put a good percentage on it vs bad, it be 98% good and 2% bad. In the past, we've sat and talked at length about things and she would tell me how happy she was and how lucky she felt, id also say the same, she'd lay her head in my lap. All of the things ppl do when they are in love, but still says this has been going on for years. She says she could never talk to me. thats not true. There were times when I just couldnt talk , but when we did. we'd work things through and we'd kiss and make up and i thought some things were behind us

when we 1st got married, i caught here emailing some guy, along with one of her best friend, and the emails got kind of racey. it really hurt me. We spoke alot about that and she immediately stopped. A few yars later, she started talking to a few of her male friends ,friends from high school. one was in jail and having health issues, so we were getting letters from a "correctional institue" and the other was starting a relationship and considering getting married, which he now is and has been for a while. that kinda fizzled out. About 24months ago, She gets a myspace account, and so did i, because of our daughter(kinda keeping tabs). We i start noticing her 'friends list growing" and i see an ocala name and Its a guy. my gears start turning. I logged on to her account, and they are emailing eachother daily, so one night i checked her cell phone and they were also texting and this guy was trying to set up a rendezvous. her reply was no im married, but my feelings were crushed all the same. its almost like feeling that youve fallen off of a cliff. last year, i start getting anonymous myspace messages saying things like your wife is a ***** and a family splitter, 




> not nice to mess with a new family
> Body:
> is your wife honest? have info will divulge upon request.....






> RE: not nice to mess with a new family
> 
> 
> check her cell phone bills she call ryan alot hidden numbers; trips to Branden/Zephrhills for ''concerts'' ditch the kids and off for a screw fest. You own a construction buisness u must have a few brains. her kids are almost all grow up then she gets half - don't look like an ass she doesn't deserve it. telling my boyfriend all kinds of crap about what being pregnant was like - she ever have twins - no. so I was not able to have sex for several months - it was for the health of our babys - which are so healthy I should add.she needs to stop talking trash about people she never meet and leave taken men alone. go with your gut instinct you must now better.





> your wife is a ***** an i have proof!!!!
> 
> tell your nasty wife to leave my boyfriend alone!! why do you allow her to **** around on you? she should be working when she is at work not trying to hook up with nurses!!!!!


We talked about that and she swears it was BS and backstabbing going on at her work



About 8 months ago, her lifelong friend decided to up and move out of state, and that upset her alot. then, about 6 weeks ago another of her best friends decided to up and leave her husband and 4(2 eight year old girls and 2 teen kids from both of their previous marriages) kids to go chase/live with a childhood crush. im not really sure how that affected her. Lately she's been texting alot and that kinda got my gears turning. She says her friend, the one that moved away, now moved back, following her boyfriend that left her in texas, and they dont have a phone and cant afford the minutes, so they text. well, the other night, we were texting eachother, bad move to try and text when hurting. i was itting outside in my car listening to music and she wanted me to come in, i asked her to come out and talk, we did. Anyways, that night I see here texting again, So late that night, i get her cell phone and go looking. The only text messages in it are from me. 8 from me in the inbox and 10 sent to me. EVERTHING else is deleted, even the trash/deleted folder is empty.

Well, I kinda lost it. I did my usual unable to communicate thing and left the room. that didnt work, so walked around the house and stuff, finally I got so fraustated, I went to my office and did paperwork. This is what pushed things over the edge she said. Add to this Christmas time, Here closest relatives painful death. I want to just sit and talk with her, and go through everyhting one at a time, but she cries and says "you want to do this right now?" and "im hurt and i dont know if i cant trust you" and "you've broken my heart". She tells me she has tried to talk to me on many ocassions and i just shut her out constantly and that action has devasted her. She cried in my arms last night..

Im in a frenzied state of panic,Im having severe anxiety attacks and starting to drink whiskey for breakfast and diner. having trouble working. im at work right now.......I dont know how to fix things. I have 100& of myself vested in this relationship. im so deeply inlove with her and cant believe thats things have gotten so out of hand.

Im having one or 2 ppl tell me that maybe she married me to help with her daughet and now that thats about done with, my usefulness has ended.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

ItsOnlyMe said:


> I'd get up in middle of the night stomp around the house. If that didn't work, I'd go lock myself in another room. She'd wake up in middle of the night knocking on the door crying and asking what was wrong and I'd tell her to leave me alone. All this stemming from my inability to communicate, 90% of the time it was about sex, or the lack of it.


Please explain this part, especially the last sentence.


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## ItsOnlyMe (Dec 22, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Please explain this part, especially the last sentence.


Ok, She'd get me all worked up about being with her, but when we go to bed, Its like she totally forgets. it drives me nuts, i dont know how to tell her that. Or we start to kiss and stuff, she falls asleep or rub on me and she falls asleep. I have mentioned this a few times and tells her how much it bothers me, but she's appologizes and says she's just tired. Sundays used to be our day we ALWAYS either started the day or ended it with some intimate time. that doesnt seem to be the case anymore, ive mentioned it hintingly as best i could, but never seemed to get the point across. So, back to my stupid antics. it seems so childish when i read what i am typing and that i just cant explain. worse part of it is, doing this on a Sunday, keeps her from sleeping a full night, so on monday, which is her long day(gets up at 5am,leaves the, house at 7 am ,8am - 4pm at one job 5:30-11pm ) I've caused her to be tired. we both work long hours and seem to be on different time zones. She says that she has tried over and over to talk to me about her feelings and i tell her i am busy, then when i want to talk, she says she is tired. our finances are split, which is probably a mistake. I admit i bear most of the fault for being where we are, i can accept that,and i am willing to do whatever and i mean whatever it takes to make it right, but she also has a prt in this debacle. She's acting as if she's on the fence saying stuff, like"i cant promiss you my feelings will change" yet 3 weeks ago, before the news about her grandmother, we were happy, talking about our next vacation and Christmas. 2 peas in a pod. Yet it seems after her grandmother went into a comatose state, I was now the enemy and cause of all of her grief for past few years. She tells me over lunch that she needs her space, but calls me on the phone a few times durring the day, yes i answer it and now look forwards to those little calls, about what she's doing and at the end of us talking she says "I love you" I say the same. its just getting more confusing to me at this point.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

ItsOnlyMe-

I realize it's hard for you to be direct even anonymously...
3 questions:

1)How often you have sex now, and how often you used to have it?

2) Are you saying that you have not directly told her that lack of sex is the problem?

3)Sorry to put you on the spot, but can you explain how this plays into your childhood trauma?


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## ItsOnlyMe (Dec 22, 2008)

I realize it's hard for you to be direct even anonymously...
3 questions:



> 1)How often you have sex now, and how often you used to have it?


When we started dating, just about everytime we saw each other.(weekends)( i was 25) she a always initiated. When we moved in, everyday at least once, 365, sometimes twice. After we got married, and it seems like right after we got married, 5 times a week, as time has gone by its gotten down to 2 times a week. Used to be really spontanious at times. Now its at night in the bedroom only. Now with everything going on.. Its been 10 days. And that last sentence is making me feel really selfish.

Over time we have both gained some weight and she has told me "she doesnt feel sexy" I always would tell her that she was to me. she's stated dieting a while back and dropped weight, even met her goal. I also started. Dont get me wrong, we arent huge, Its just getting older, I managed to pick up a gutt


> 2) Are you saying that you have not directly told her that lack of sex is the problem?


yes and no. I have brought it up, and she says she's doing what she can and when I bring up the past, she says she works alot more now and is tired. I dont know if im getting the "imporatnce to me" of it across, maybe just a guy thing I suppose



> 3)Sorry to put you on the spot, but can you explain how this plays into your childhood trauma?


OK, Boundaries. and somewhat guilt. I dont know how to say what I want in this area, maybe call them my needs. the words just dont come out.. I cant explain it. She has mentioned in the past that she wanted me to be more agressive, initiate, I dont know how.. I dont know when she is or isnt in the mood. Im not sure what im scared of. rejection or the gutt feeling of is she doing this because "SHE" wants to or me, would this make her uncomfortable, kinda like thinking im forcing it to happen, in a really bad way of thinking of it.

I wanted to add one thing. the thing that is hurting. eating at me the most, and causing these panic attacks is the fact that she says after asking me to go to counselling and me saying yes, i want things back, and showing my eagerness to make her feel better, she has done a 180 and now is acting like, well i cant promiss my feelings will change, whcih she said happened, from a monday night to a tuesday morning and also happened in synchronus with the news of her grandmother being fatal with only a few days to live if that. I feel guilty and ashamed for trying to bring up my feelings when she is having such a rough time handleing her grannys death, But I feel I have been thrown away this last 10 days. I thought after 14 years, I would of been her confidant, her go to guy in times of chrisis. its kind of a sickening feeling when you feel that you are nowhere near as important to your partner than they are to you. totally uneven. maybe im reading to much into things, and maybe this is how she needs to cope with her grief. i dont know, but it hurts just the same


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

ItsOnlyMe-

First of all, even though it's obvious that you are in one hell of a state, you need to let her grieve over her granny. That will go on for a while. It might be intense for 2 more weeks to a month. After that she will calm down, but every now and then a wave of emotion will hit her.

She may eat less, which might help with her self esteem, or she might comfort eat.

As far as sex goes, you seem to be saying that you never initiate for fear of rejection, but you get irritated by her not jumping on you. I don't know if she can guess why you are irritable, or if it's a mystery to her. A lot of people get into this sort of dead-lock. Have you considered that if a man never initiates it makes the woman feel undesirable? 

It is only since the 1960s that women have been initiating sex in a big way. Before that it was the man's prerogative. Deep down, she may feel you have not nourished that need in her. Of course right now, you are going to get rejected a lot more often than you would if she was not upset. But in time, it might be different. People who initiate have to face the fact that they will be rejected. In some marriages it's 9 times out of 10! She has given you a green light about initiation already:



ItsOnlyMe said:


> She has mentioned in the past that she wanted me to be more agressive, initiate, I dont know how.. I dont know when she is or isnt in the mood. Im not sure what im scared of. rejection or the gutt feeling of is she doing this because "SHE" wants to or me, would this make her uncomfortable, kinda like thinking im forcing it to happen, in a really bad way of thinking of it.


Believe me when I tell you women rarely give such a direct statement. I am sure she meant it. 



ItsOnlyMe said:


> She has mentioned in the past that she wanted me to be more *agressive*, *initiate*,


You see, there are two words there. Initiate means you have to ask, or start with touching or whatever your style is. Agressive means that if she rejects you, you take it like a man and don't go off with your tale between your legs. But it also means that she may want you to initiate in a certain way. She wants you to be confident and manly. If it's done right, women love a bit of cheeky c0cky behaviour.

You can master this, and it will be fun. but you need to give her space at the moment, or it will all backfire. Get this next two weeks right, and she will really admire you. Don't blow it.

Also, keep writing. You are having trouble talking with her, and you are having trouble writing here. But you *are *managing. And a fairly clear picture is coming across from you now. But some of your thoughts need clarifying. The writing will help with that. And when you are healed, you can help others.

My childhood was not pleasant either, but it does give me an insight into other people sometimes.


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## ItsOnlyMe (Dec 22, 2008)

I am trying to write more, but i also get really bad gut feeling that knaw at me. Im trying to change all the mistakes i think i have made in the past and i know i cant. i am worrying i wont have the chance to "make it right" in the future. its like there 2 sides to me, the negative side which sometimes takes over and i cant help but keep thinking the worse, no mater how hard i try



> My childhood was not pleasant either, but it does give me an insight into other people sometimes.


Not many Kids have to endure what i did.

I do know i have to "man Up" but she is a part of me and it literally hurts.


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## ItsOnlyMe (Dec 22, 2008)

I wanted to add again. I could handle the whole situtation alot better if the "its over" factor hadnt gotten thrown in there. thats the part im stuck on. i know we had our rough patches, but we ALWAYS made up and ALWAY made things right, when we did argue, thats why im feeling this way, The all of suddeness of it"

To top it off, I took this time off of work to be with her, so i really have nothing scheduled for myself to do and when i sit too long my mind starts to over think everyhting


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

ItsOnlyMe-

I get the impression that everything is coming to a head for you right now, and that up until now, you've pretty much been able to keep the lid on it. What will not work however, is for you to have a crisis at the same time as your wife. For all you know, she could be back to normal in a few days. Give her time.

I won't try to compete with you on who had the worst childhood, it might ruin people's Christmas 

I can laugh about mine now, but I was a wreck at one point.


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## ItsOnlyMe (Dec 22, 2008)

Well , now she doesnt wear her wedding ring anymore , This is something new. She put on her Grandmothers wedding ring. What i dont understand, is the 3 ppl in the world, that loved her most 1 has died, now she has decided to possibly leave the other and its just a matter of time until out just about 18 year old daughter goes out and does her own thing.


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## ItsOnlyMe (Dec 22, 2008)

Found something out last night. From her former room mate.

She calls and tells her, lifes too short to not have fun, and lifes to short to not be happy, is what she's saying. She said she wasnt having fun anymore and ppl are dieing all around her and she is now starting to get older herself (37). She didnt say that to me, but to my sister, her old room mate. That seeing her Grandmother laying there dieing made her realize this.

Im not the one that stopped wanting to go out, we used to go out alot, on weekends we'd go to bars with live music, and little by little she seemed to loose interest in that and we pretty much settled in to dinner at a nice resteraunt once a week and then home, becuase she was tired. She didnt want to see the movies i wanted to see and I pretty much did likewise.

This all has something to do with her grandmother dieing and i guess Im along for the ride come what may. The come what may part is whats eating away at me at 5am.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Keep being loving to her in her hour of need, and put your needs on hold until the New Year. Whatever happens, you are going to come out of this very very well indeed.

​


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## ItsOnlyMe (Dec 22, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Keep being loving to her in her hour of need, and put your needs on hold until the New Year. Whatever happens, you are going to come out of this very very well indeed.
> 
> ​


I know, Im trying, but the wedding ring thing just seems to get to me.:scratchhead:


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## ItsOnlyMe (Dec 22, 2008)

She's got so much anger and resentment inside her aimed at me right now. The entire family is no affected..


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## ItsOnlyMe (Dec 22, 2008)

Another day gone by. The anxiety is pretty strong right now and at times stops me in my tracks. Our 1st visit with the counselor is at 2pm Im excited and worried. Very worried. Worried she is simply going to say i want out. My daugher told my mother in law that my wife thinks leaving me will solve all of her problems. I wish I knew what some of those problems were. Last night was great , we talked alot about nothing, and it felt very good inside and very close. This morning it was back to the cold shoulder. Its hard to navigate when the signals keep changing to the extreme. The little things i used to do, like leave notes here and there, now annoy her. At night in bed, ill caress her and hug her, we'll say i love you, but durring the day she wont say it. Nothin in life it seems can prepare you for this kind of emotional roller coaster. I hope my wife opens up to the counselor, she wont to me or family and friends. I am trying to keep my distance while all the while being nuturing and caring and trying to figure out how to give her her space while being in the same house. She wants a break, but doesnt want my away from home.. Everything in that frigin house reminds me of us and its depressing. She's right there and I do so miss my best friend. I have been a terrible husband to her and not sure she will give me the chance to change that

All i can do is hope for the best and prepare for the worst and thats a hard hard pill to swallow

Im not sure how she does it. She is stronger than i. We sit there and talk about things we want to do, Like sell the house and get a smaller one (as i said before, she hates the house I bought from my mother and to be honest it seems thats when all this started to go wrong. Like i said, we sit there and talk about plans and getting out finances in order and doing things more as a team. I want to prove myself to her, but sometimes i cant help getting the feeling that im a cow being led to slaughter. Is she acting this way(nice at times) just to string me along until she can arrange a place for herself and just leave, will i be getting papers in the mail anyday now and she is acting like this to get her things in order? these are the questions that haunt me at night

Ohh, one last thing, My wife is not happy about my anxiety. At times it does paralize my. It's so strong at times, I get cold sweats and dry heave and my heart races and my mind just goes blank, She says Its unsettling to see me like that, i tried to explain to her, that its something i have to talk to the counselor about and its something i just cant control. She see's it as a weakness and possibly another flaw in me.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

ItsOnlyMe-

Your anxiety and your sweats are your business. If she has a problem with that, that's her business. Of course you can make it your business to worry about her business. But will it help?

Time is what you need. Also, you don't have to play by her rules. If you find it easy to give her space by going out of the house, then what is to stop you?

I would also give her additional space by not calling her on the phone, and actually ignoring a few of her calls. People who say they want space should be given it - in huge doses. If they want to create a vacuum, then I believe it is important to let them feel it.

If you show integrity to both her and yourself, it will pay off. but you need to assess this over a longer space of time than a few days.

This is chess.


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## imalostperson (Dec 30, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> ItsOnlyMe-
> 
> As far as sex goes, you seem to be saying that you never initiate for fear of rejection, but you get irritated by her not jumping on you. I don't know if she can guess why you are irritable, or if it's a mystery to her. A lot of people get into this sort of dead-lock. Have you considered that if a man never initiates it makes the woman feel undesirable?
> 
> ...


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## ItsOnlyMe (Dec 22, 2008)

This is one tough road. She wants her space, but dont go anywhere. She wants her space, but dont sleep in the spare room, Wants her space, but keeps me around at arms length, then when i try and talk about things, I get the "do we have to talk about this now" Wants her space, but will call me 3 times a day from work, on her way, at lunch and at the end, each call getting progressively colder. At the end of her work day, she calls, sounds like she was about to cry, saying I dont want to come straight home, im going for a hot chocolate, OK, no problem, 2 hours later, she comes home says she was riding around the area that her Grandmother was burried, wears her grandmothers wedding ring too. But by the end of the night, she is laying in my lap, but she just feels so so far from me, even right there, Im not sure if u know what i mean...... She says she doesnt know where she wants to be of what she wants right now. for 14 years she was the clingy on, totally clingy, and i got used to that, If I had to go out of town over night, she'd cry and cry and say how much she misses me, she'd always call several times, we were always together, went everywhere together, now i cant even get her to go to dinner with me. Even her mother says, she's flipped the script. She says stuff like, "is this all there is" & " I dont want to wake up at 60 and wonder what ive done" or something to that effect

Im on the verge of just spending a long weekend in a hotel by myself..

Oh, the counselor had us buy this book called "Born to Win" and we arent really liking it as it pretains to us..


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

ItsOnlyMe-

Reading what you say, there is something really simple you can do that will have a huge affect. Let me explain.

You say she used to be clingy. She still is. But she is also fed up with everything including you. However, you have not done anything extra wrong lately. It's just that her inner turmoil is looking for an excuse. So this explains her strange mixture of clinging and rejecting you.

All you have to do, is pull back. Don't take all her calls. Take some, but not all. Go out on your own a bit more. Because she is so clingy, she will miss you. She may well shout at you at first, but if you stick to being firm it will work.

When people repeatedly push a spouse away, it's important for that spouse to feel the results of their actions. But by walking on eggshells, you are trying to bridge the gap. It does not work like that.

What you are actually wanting, is for her to want you. But you are too available 24/7. If you pull back, it will dawn on her that she will have to treat you nicer in order to earn your attention. But at the moment, you are rewarding her mistreatment of you; so she simply mistreats and undervalues you more.

You can master this. Just run some scenarios through your mind. Rehearse it mentally until it runs like clockwork. Then try it.


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## ItsOnlyMe (Dec 22, 2008)

Well, here is what I did. Yesretday morning, i said bye and gave her a hug, she was going out for the day. I took some clothes and checked into a hotel and turned off the cel phone. Sux, but what else is there to do.


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## ItsOnlyMe (Dec 22, 2008)

Well, she has decided to stay with her aunt for a few days.. Lets see where this goes now. I am so worried. I think she might be looking for an appartment. wow, this si getting really tough, she talkinjg about "i dont want to wake up one day and have regrets" and "im not sure what I want from life" and "is this all there is"


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## ItsOnlyMe (Dec 22, 2008)

how do u deal with a midlife crisis?


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## ItsOnlyMe (Dec 22, 2008)

Its getting better, NOT, I looked through her cell phone bill. She has been calling another man (married man-I think) and they talk for atleast an hour or 2 a day since nov 14. i am so hurt right now and pissed off too.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

ItsOnlyMe-

You have to let her do what she's gona do, and make your choices appropriately. Meanwhile keep working on yourself.


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## ItsOnlyMe (Dec 22, 2008)

Agreed. I am in the process of boxing her stuff and whatever happens happens. This is her ride, and i am going to try and get off. Its not easy. But it looks like full tilt MLC.




MarkTwain said:


> ItsOnlyMe-
> 
> You have to let her do what she's gona do, and make your choices appropriately. Meanwhile keep working on yourself.


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## ItsOnlyMe (Dec 22, 2008)

Thats seeming to be harder than i thought. She visited yesterday to pick up some shoes, and today she's comming back to bring our dog and to have our daughter type a report for school. Im trying to keep her space and my cool, but seeing her and having to stay at arms length is tough especially after she leaves.. I cant describe how i feel. Im not even sure its normal to grieve so deeply, but i did truely love her unconditionally and thought I had the same in return. I have never been one to hold on to anger, i just dont know how.

I mean, Im taking 1/2 pill of Zanes at night and Zoloft in the day, yet i still wake up at 6am in sheer panic.


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## elsid (Jan 12, 2009)

itsonlyme, 

it's not only you...

i have found myself in an amazingly similar situation to your's. my wife and i have been together less than half of the time you and your wife have (5 years total, going on our 2nd anniversary) and she came to me 2 weeks before christmas, 1 week before our son's 3rd bday and said she was fed up with the feeling of being neglected and more tired of my mood swings and wants to leave me. 

i went into panic mode (sounds like you have been there as well). i love her so much and can't stand the idea of her not being my wife. i started doing all the typical panicky things (begging: "please give me a chance", groveling: "i feel like i can't live without you", temper tantrums: (this is ugly...sorry, it happens) "if you don't give this a chance, i'm going to fight for full custody of our son")... luckily, i'm passed that stage. hopefully you are too. 

for starters, let's take a look at those actions. what self respecting woman is attracted to the guy who grovels? none. what guy in full on panic mode ever does anything productive? none (look at you not going to work...don't worry, i'm not judging, i've been there). 

now, let me tell you what i'm doing and maybe you can take something from it. i've started counseling without her. we're human, bud, we need guidance from time to time. it's helping. i have been able to get her to agree to join me but there were times during my panic stage where she was on the verge of packing up and leaving. patience is your best friend right now. make no mistake about it, if you let your emotions run you right now, you can kiss her good-bye and start the healing process but it will take a long time because you will come to the realization that you did it wrong. give her space. give her time. but, while you are giving her space and time focus on you. what makes you happy? don't give the knee jerk reaction answer here "my wife makes me happy" - no, you need to make yourself happy. 

what do you like to do with your buds? play golf? watch sports? play sports? knit? whatever it is, do it. 50-60 hours a week at work will cut into your boogie time, no doubt but brother, get out there, do something fun. 

in just 1 month, my wife went from not wanting anything to do with me to all of the sudden calling just to see how my day is going and we haven't even started counseling yet. 

i think what you and i both need to realize (possibly our wives need to realize this too but be careful in telling her this...) the onus is on you to make yourself happy. nobody else can be held responsible for that. 

also, try to realize that your relationship might be coming to an end. i hope not brother, really, but let's say it is. if you spend this time focusing on making yourself happy doing what you love to do, i promise you, you will be well on the road to recovery. additionally, take a look at those issues of your's. are you really happy being who you are today? mood swings are awesome, huh? a little counseling might go a long way in helping you get past that. it's unbelievable how quickly it might help you if you are truly willing to change. it's unbelievable how quickly your wife might realize what a good man you are if you are willing to fight the good fight and not grovel.


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## ItsOnlyMe (Dec 22, 2008)

We are doing the counseling, but right now seperately. She agreed to do a joint session next week, But the counselor has told me he will take her in 1st and probably spend the whole hour with her which is fine. This is a new counselor. The last one just sits and listens and doesnt say much. The new counselor actually engages in the conversation. We never had a bad marriage. granted, i have beaten myself sensless with all the little mistakes i made, but none of these were marriage ending issues. Im past the grovel stage, way past it. I still miss her, But i dont call much, ill leave that to her. She says she hates the house we live in, so its up for sale. I dont need 3 bedrooms. I have done all i can. The ball is in her court. I will be putting her belongings in a self storage and handing her the bill. My wife is in middle of MLC and tough love is what i have to do now, even if it hurts..


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## elsid (Jan 12, 2009)

just don't do anything you might end up regretting later. think through any actions you take - handing her the bill? sure, might be her responsibility but can you just put her stuff in a different room, out of your line of sight and hang tight for a while? 

i'm thinking my wife is in the middle of a mlc as well but i'm not going to do anything that i might regret in the long run. 

everything you do right now reflects on who you are...don't make a poor reflection. every thing you do should be revolving around you at the moment but not some passive way of showing her you control her in any way. 

what she's doing right now probably pisses you off (probably does a lot more than that) but let's say you stay patient, true to yourself and make no irrational decisions about this thing. she might realize what a mistake she's making. on the other hand, think about you. can you sit around forever waiting for her to realize this is a mistake? probably not. that's why i say focus on you but make sure you are happy. we're all human and prone to making mistakes but what i'm saying by that is think through your actions before making them. don't get drunk and burn her stuff...not good for anyone and definitely not good for the resale value of your house...don't get stupid and try to hit on her sister....again, not good for anyone, unless her sister looks like jessica simpson and is a willing participant but i digress... understand that you have to be happy. showing her tough love might not be the right thing. showing your own discipline might be more productive. 

then again brother, you are your own man. you have to do whatever it is you think is best...


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## elsid (Jan 12, 2009)

one more thing. i said "we never had a bad marriage" as well but the one thing i've realized is that if our marriage was so great, she wouldn't be doing what she's doing right now.


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## ItsOnlyMe (Dec 22, 2008)

My wife moved out, wants to be on her own, OK, i need to show her what on her own is. No help from me whatsoever. Thats what all the counselors are saying. Dont be a doormat


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

ItsOnlyMe said:


> My wife moved out, wants to be on her own, OK, i need to show her what on her own is. No help from me whatsoever. Thats what all the counselors are saying. Dont be a doormat


yeah, i heard the same thing from counselors...but it's hard not feeling like a doormat when kids are in the relationship...because *you will be* called on to help...and you will probably help...and your move-out spouse *will not* reciprocate...and you will feel used...that's the hardest thing about it i think...


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## ItsOnlyMe (Dec 22, 2008)

my daughter is 18 (feb) so. Ill help her of course. My wife is on the edge right now, so its a really tricky situation. She's at her aunts, not an apt , so, I have to be so so careful, not to call not to express emotions and all that.. And yes its frigin tough


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

ItsOnlyMe-

You are on the right track. 

You also need to sort yourself out, or you're no catch for any woman. The medication you are taking, is it self prescribed?


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## ItsOnlyMe (Dec 22, 2008)

no, via doctor


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## ItsOnlyMe (Dec 22, 2008)

elsid said:


> just don't do anything you might end up regretting later. think through any actions you take - handing her the bill? sure, might be her responsibility but can you just put her stuff in a different room, out of your line of sight and hang tight for a while?
> 
> ...


I tried that, and she just calls me up, hey i need some stuff, and comes and goes. Thats not right either. This way, its a 24hour storage. She wants her space. Im giving it to her as much as i can. thats all i can do.


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## ItsOnlyMe (Dec 22, 2008)

Dont get me wrong, putting her stuff into a storage place hurts like hell, but im dealing with it better everyday


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## ItsOnlyMe (Dec 22, 2008)

well, update. I in fact did catch her cheating, with a guy 7 years younger than her and in a half way house. Ohh well. She has since been dismissed from her job and I have filed for divorce. I dont know what happened to the sweet caring person I once knew, but the person I am divorcing, just looks like her. She led me on, with the help of her mother, and when i finally called their bluff things got nasty, so its on to a bitter divorce. The therapist says its an issue with her and she basically sabatoged the marriage. crazy excuses like I only like fancy restaurants..lol, outback and longhorns, she never seemed to mind running up a tab, just alot of stupid crap to justify her cheating.. Did I mention, her b/f admited to the affair in court? LOL... anyways. Im trying to move on. its very very very tough, thinking this is who i expected to spend the rest of my life with, but now is with some halfway house con. And somehow thinks thats a step in the right direction


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## broo (Feb 17, 2009)

You are not the man you could be. I know there's a mental block, I was molested too. She wants you to man up in all of the good ways, trust me it's hard but its certainly attemptable. If you can get to 60%, you're probably going to get a passing grade.

#1 Manly men aren't needy. They endure any sort of discomfort or inconvenience without complaint or even limping. They may have wants but they don't have needs. They aren't pissy when they don't get want they want (aka stomping around). They just shake it off like a cool cucumber. 

#2 Manly men aren't emotionally needy. They like themselves. They don't fish for verbal affirmation. If they say "I love you." Its because they want the girl to feel good, not because they want to feel good if she says it back. (They'd be better served saying "You look amazing." most of the time.)

#3 Manly men spend a considerable chunk of their time thinking about the woman they love and how they will please her. This is always evident because they are leaving romantic notes, surprising her with small inexpensive gives, texting a poem that reminded them of her, putting on the music that she likes, etc. 

#4 Manly men are sexually aggressive. This means that they initiate sex (not that they are forceful). When they initiate, they are confident and unperturbed (NOT NEEDY). They know that 90% of the time the universe will be conspiring to destroy her sex drive through bizarre emotions, off smells, and recombinant hormones. They laugh it off, tease and flirt, they are not angry. This is because while they are attracted to her and the like sex, they also just like being with her, and while sex is really nice, just being next to her and talking is great.

They never pressure her for sex. If they are really clever, they will work against the universe to get her hormones in the proper place. This usually occurs with a minimum of 4-hours of bonding through talking interlaced with flirtation (a date). They would still never be upset if she fell asleep. Nothing is more repulsive than being pressured for sex.

#5 Manly men are self-assured, but imperfect. They are filled with faults, and never hesitate to accept blame for the wrongs they've done. (They also are forgiving, and never remind her of the wrongs she's done.) They've been incredibly selfish, thoughtless, and even cruel on a daily basis, and they're genuinely sorry and wish to make amends. 

#5 Manly men are good providers. They have lots of integrity and work hard. They never screw people over. They do their best, and take any chance at promotion or advancement as long as it does not adverse affect her or the kids.

#6 Manly men are fun. They enjoy spending time with her. The best gift they can give is their own time (because manly men are so fun to be with.) They limit obsessive hobbies like gardening, sports, video games, or hunting. They make sure to take time out with relative frequency to spend quality one-on-one time together, talking and enjoying her company. If this involves physical things like sporting or hiking it is even better.


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## ItsOnlyMe (Dec 22, 2008)

I have #3 covered, always have, also #5 to a tee and about 50% of #2. I never told her I loved her just to hear it back. And also some of #6, but theres so much more.


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## broo (Feb 17, 2009)

The affair is a big kink. Lots of marriages come back from them though. A lot of it hinges upon whether or not you can realize what a huge ass you've been, and whether your more upset with yourself for your part, than however she's hurt you. 

If you are ever going to want justice or recrimination for her hurting you, you should give up now. If you think she has lost her mind and you want to help her throught the mid-life crisis this cycle will probably last 10 months or longer before you will know if it has a chance to work out.

If you want it too work, and are willing to accept that you're a cuckold, and you're always going to be one as long as your wth her, then go to the library and bookstore and read every book they have on saving your marriage. 

If she is super serious about her beau, and tells you to stop bothering her, then cut your losses. It will be years before she regrets it. 

If she needs you and wants to talk to you, be there for her no matter what. Be the best friend you can be. Find the the place inside you thats hurt and erase it. Feeling any sense of victimization won't serve you. Now is the time to figure out what a huge ass you were, and how she put up with you for as long as she did.


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## ItsOnlyMe (Dec 22, 2008)

what a huge ass ive been? Providing 2 nice houses, the last 6 years she has driven nothing but the best cars, eaten nothing but the best food, gone to good restaurants, several thousand dollars spent on vacations(PER VACATION). Raised an a+ step daughter that'll be going to college soon. Bought the S.D a car. Have i made my mistakes, hell yes I have. But thats a 2 way street. When this all first started, i picked myself apart analizing every aspect of me. When in reality, its her. her cheating, her twisting up the past, she's the one that needed to convince herself that things were so terrible. When in fact, she had more freedom than most married women. Itrusted her 100% she knew that and used it against me. Now she's with some 1/2 way house ex con. good. If thats what she thinks she's worth.. Oh well. Do i miss her. yes i do. But life has gopt to go on. While some ppl are struggling for a job and to pay bills, my buisness seems to be doing well. I thank god for that. maybe thats what i need. She told me not 3 months ago, before she met MR amazing that I was her everyhting and she couldnt live without me, and i said the same. maybe a little mushy, but we talked about growing old together and things like that. I might of been an ass at times, but I am a sucessful man, just wounded and healing. Victimized, yeah.. but i let it happen. My older brother never forgets to remind me that hind sight is always 20/20


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