# Red flags?



## redness (Nov 23, 2010)

OK, long story, I'll try to keep it short!

My partner and I have both have several previous relationships, are both in our 40's and have been together for almost 2 years.

Due to previous issues (lack of trust on my behalf as my previous partner went away for the weekend and returned with 'a new lover'!!) I did give him a hard time when we first got together, but was impressed at how he stuck by me and my kids no matter what I threw at him. So 2 months ago, he moved in with me and my family, and we began planning building our new home together, so we could move together to a new place as a family.

A couple of weeks ago, we went out and had the perfect weekend. We both agreed we were happier than we had been ina relationship before. He bought me a ring (not engagement or anything) and asked me to wear it as a sign of our commitment. 

A week later, he was due to fly overseas for his brother's wedding (we could not afford for us all to go, and I had no problem with him going). He came home from work the night before he flew out and was irritable and we started arguing. 

It ended up being our first fight. He said he had lied to me, wasn't happy with me, and was going to take the opportunity of this holiday to sort out what he wanted. He said at this stage he did not want us to move to the new house together. I got angry and accused him of starting this argument so that he could go overseas with a clear conscience to 'do exactly what the last b****d did to me. He just said "yep cos thats the kind of guy I am"

The next morning, with us both in tears, he apologised, blaming major stress at work and the fact that he didn't want to go withoput me, we chatted and everything seemed ok. Not great, but ok. We parted on good terms at the airport, and he messaged me straight away as I drove off saying he loved and missed me.

Now, he promised to call as soon as he landed. Two days after landing, he called, saying he had checked in, gone for dinner and a few beers and the slept until waking to call me. Fair enough, I get the jetlag excuse, but surely a 5 minute call while dumping his suitcase in the room, before rushing out for beers? 

Then he promised to call the next morning. Another two days and I've heard nothing again.

Should I be taking notice of these red flags or am I being paranoid due to the baggage of my previous relationship?

Thanks for your help everyone...


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

If it is only the phone call thing, it is not a big deal. 

What makes me think it is the fight you had before you left. What he said can make a woman really feel insecure. He can say" I am tired, I am stressed, I am worried," but if he is really sure of your relationship, what he said was inappropriate. He is not sure about your relationship. 

In a relationship, don't set our expectation high, don't think they have to do this or that. Don't think that other people are doing it, why he doesn't do it. When we expect too much, we actually become very disappointed, because very often we don't get what we expect. 

If we don't expect much, take it easy, focus on ourselves, give them some space, they actually appreciate who we are, then they feel they want us more.

Phone calls from a hotel room are very expensive. International phone calls are expensive. When men are traveling, there are many things going on, they tend not to pay much attention to small things. 

My husband is this way. When we were dating, no matter how many days he was away( the longest was 15 days, he wouldn't call me). I knew he was like that, I just waited for him to come back patiently. 

One time, something very bad happened to me when he was away, he didn't call me, he wasn't there for me, he came back, I told him, he felt very bad. I wasn't bothered, it made him feel worse, and he wanted to do more to make up for it. 

In a relationship, if we feel insecure, it will cause frustration and tension. You won't be relaxed. Just remember, worrying and feeling insecure won't help you, on the contrary, it is going to create more problems. 

If we take it easy, then the atmosphere is relaxed, you will enjoy it much more. Same thing when you are married.


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I don't know that I would be worried he was doing something wrong, necessarily; but I would find what he's doing to be disrespectful and rude. If he says he's going to call, then he should call. My boyfriend is an over the road truck driver, and we have a rule that we talk everyday while he is gone, no excuses. That phone call might be nothing more than a 2 minute "I'm alive, so are you, love you, love you too" call, but it happens. So even if one of us is utterly exhausted or not feeling well, we still talk, even if just to say we are tired or sick. We would both feel very disrespected if the expected phone call didn't happen. 

Next time he calls you, tell him how you feel. Don't accuse him of cheating or anything, but explain to him that by not calling, he's making you feel hurt, disrespected, and ignored. If he really loves you, he should understand and apologize. If he doesn't, then I would wonder what else might be going on to cause him to behave this way.


----------



## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

I'm sorry... i call this a major red flag. If you are dating someone and promise you'll call them, you had better call them. If you are going overseas and it goes days without hearing from them... somethings wrong with that! Its one thing if you he told you ahead of time that work will prevent him from calling (coal mine), its another thing when he just disapears. Your sure he isn't a secret agent? Sorry, bad time for humor. I just see the fight he chose to pick out of the blue, just prior to him leaving was a sign of shady business to come.

Have you called him?


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I wouldn't see this as a red flag. I don't have enough fingers and toes to count the number of times my husband said he would call and didn't - he just forgot. It's not a big deal for him to call and let me know he made it - just the way he is.

Unless there is something else (words said in anger usually don't mean anything), then I would just chalk it up to being insensitive, but nothing major. JMO.


----------



## JustSomeDude (Dec 5, 2010)

No disrespect but I wouldn't go anywhere on this planet and not call my wife a few times a day. It helps me enjoy myself more and hopefully does the same for her.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

It would bother me tremendously if my husband acted in this way. If he is going away, we would talk before hand & he would agree to call me immediately when he arrived to his destination. Me also if I go somewhere without him so we have the assurance we are safe & sound. 

If these things were not talked about before hand, and if he generally IS this way, just not prompt in getting in touch, but at his careless leisure, I wouldn't think too much about it -suspiciously, but if he is NOT normally this way, then I would be worrying.

If these kinds of things bother you a great deal, I wouldn't stay with him. I would see this as definete RED Flags of his future behavior. I see where you said HE PROMISED to call as soon as he landed. IF he got pi**y with me when I was upset that he did not hold to HIS promise, he would be done.


----------

