# Cheated on? Betrayed? It's not your fault



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

If they really had issues in your relationship, guess what? They could have talked.

But they didn't. They cheated.

They might blame you for them cheating.

But you know something? They are 100% responsible for their cheating.

Please don't forget that.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Thanks for the reminder. If only everybody else believed this. The cheater always seems to have the support of the masses and I could never understand why. What does this say about our society and the morals we convey???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

They're cowards.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

maincourse99 said:


> They're cowards.


Some, yes. Some have twisted ideas of right and wrong.


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## beautiful_day (Mar 28, 2013)

I didn't blame myself for the affair, as I know I'm a darn good woman and made a lovely wife. But for a very long time I blamed myself for my 'stupidity' in trusting this man, moving to the US from the UK to be with him, and buying a house for him. How could I not see it?!

Now my confidence with making big decisions is completely shot.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

beautiful_day said:


> I didn't blame myself for the affair, as I know I'm a darn good woman and made a lovely wife. But for a very long time I blamed myself for my 'stupidity' in trusting this man, moving to the US from the UK to be with him, and buying a house for him. How could I not see it?!
> 
> Now my confidence with making big decisions is completely shot.


So, you are gorgeously attractive, made a lovely wife, are from the UK (*so therefore talk sexy) and he let you go?  

Actually, I think *he* was the stupid one!

*I was told that my accent was sexy by an American woman in a bar in Santa Clara. Brummie = sexy? Cool!:smthumbup:

I should explain she was just making conversation, nothing was going to or did happen.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

> If they really had issues in your relationship, guess what? They could have talked.
> 
> But they didn't. They cheated.
> 
> ...


Yes MattMatt. Yes to everything you wrote here. They had a number of choices they could have made INSTEAD OF CHEATING. Yet, they chose to cheat. 

They could have _left_ if things were "that bad". But they didn't. So in *my* book, things really weren't as "bad" as they would want others (including the BS) to believe. And I think on a deeper level, cheaters KNOW that things aren't "that bad". Besides, how can we TRUST a cheater to say how "bad" things are when we KNOW that they re-write history anyway?



> The cheater always seems to have the support of the masses and I could never understand why. What does this say about our society and the morals we convey???


Squeakr, cheaters DO seem to get a lot of support...
I think ONE reason why they get so much is because of pop psychology. 

Modern psychology teaches us that we're supposed to be "independent" of our partner, even in a marriage. We're supposed to put ourselves FIRST in our own lives..._always_. We're supposed to be "number one" and that we are ONLY responsible for ourselves. (never mind that we are responsible TOWARD one another!) 

If a woman does _anything_ for her husband, she is deemed as "codependent" and "weak" instead of compassionate. If a man tells his buddies that he has to 'check with his wife' before making a decision about going on a fishing trip, he's seen as "whipped". Being independent is more desirable than working together as a _team_. So-called 'philosophers' such as Ayn Rand spewed off about how being selfish is a GOOD thing. Self-control isn't seen as a 'value' any more; it's seen as an _obstacle_ toward 'happiness'. Selfishness is now considered _HEALTHY_ and true _compassion_ is seen as 'dysfunctional'. 

And feeling guilty about doing *ANYTHING* _wrong_ is seen as 'unhealthy'! 

When a cheater finally comes out of the 'fog', (s)he realizes that his or her decisions to cheat were EGO based. Ego is all about the 'self'---hence, it's why cheaters are 'SELF'-ish. They realize that the excuses they give are just that; _excuses_. The cheater often believes that he or she "deserves" to be "happy" _no matter what the cost_. Their motto becomes "Life's too short..." as they stomp on their empathy for others. They become the 'little gods' in their own lives. 

It wouldn't have mattered if we were the BEST partner in the world...if we were the best looking...the richest...the wisest...the most educated...the most patient, the cheater STILL WOULD HAVE CHEATED. 

A cheater is like a child who will only do his homework if his mother is sitting in the same room with him. As soon as the mother leaves the room, the child starts to play. The child doesn't have enough self-control/self-discipline in order to continue to do his homework when mommy isn't around. And if the child doesn't get a good grade on his homework, the child will blame mommy for "not being there to 'help' him". Think about it. Would our partner have been able to cheat if we were _ALWAYS by their side_? 

All in all, MattMatt is right. A cheater's decision to cheat has NOTHING to do with US. The cheater in most cases is someone who is over the age of 18...who knows better, and who knows that it's wrong because _they would not like it one bit if it was done TO them!_

I almost wish there would be a mandatory class for all high school kids on this stuff...

Vega


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## StarGazer101 (Jan 26, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> *If they really had issues in your relationship, guess what? They could have talked.
> 
> But they didn't. They cheated.*
> They might blame you for them cheating.
> ...


It really is that simple - thank you.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

StarGazer101 said:


> It really is that simple - thank you.



The sad part is that yes, it really is that simple, but they would rather stage elaborate hidden meetings and conversations and take the hard and coward's way to resolve a problem (only making more issues in the end) rather than face the music firsthand.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

My WS spouse blames me 100% for his cheating because things have not been the "same" for a few years. I have accepted my fault in the downfall of the marriage, but never any fault for him choosing to cheat. He could have left me first then hooked up with the skank.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

While I admitted I could have made more of an attempt to improve our relationship as well, I told him the A was all on him, which he knows, yet, when the subject comes up he tells me how he didn't 'like' me back then, how he didn't want to be at home with me. Yesterday I told him he needs to stop reminding me of that, I get it, I felt the same way, but still find it hurtful.

I then asked him what he would do if he started feeling that way again and he said he would talk to me about it. I hope he does. He knows D is the consequence of any more of this stuff and he says he does not want that, wants only me, forever. I am cautiously optimistic.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

pollywog said:


> My WS spouse blames me 100% for his cheating because things have not been the "same" for a few years. I have accepted my fault in the downfall of the marriage, but never any fault for him choosing to cheat. He could have left me first then hooked up with the skank.


Ditto. How's about they conducted their 5 year affair while I was working my nose to the bone so he had time enough to commit "bigamy"? How's about things got so bad, I FILED and conveniently paid for the divorce? How's about once she got him all to herself (still in secret), he was cheating on her with someone else and ME (unbeknownst to me, of course, I thought we were reconciling)? Then she dumped him...

Reconciliation was the most SELFLESS thing I had ever done in my entire life...I was blamed, he begged me to rug sweep it and trickle-truthed me for the past two years. I finally told him that I held him to accountability for every single, striking, solitary thing BECAUSE I am not an accomplice to darkness and I am called to be accountable for that. I gave him back the blame, flung the rug off the dirt and forced him to look at it with me. 

I can truly say I resisted every urge to go back and every urge to leave, despite every cell in my being telling me to do so. I am a heavyweight champion now in managing my urges to escape to avoid head-ons. If he hasn't seen that nor appreciate it, it just isn't my fault nor my problem. But, I fought myself through it and am in a better place today...I got therapy for those years of betrayal without paying for it. Now, when I say"Ju..", before I even finish the word, he says how high? I think I like it...But, here's what I learned, I no longer have the luxury to take anything for granted nor assume anything again. I mourn the loss of the 2% of naivety I tried so hard to retain so that I would not see the world as jaded. I had to find a new source of optimism and I did.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Squeakr said:


> Thanks for the reminder. If only everybody else believed this. The cheater always seems to have the support of the masses and I could never understand why. What does this say about our society and the morals we convey???
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Here is what happened in my case. My wife got support from her one sister (who is nuts) and her younger brother. Her oldest sister and two older brothers never bought her story. I found out my wife had been complaining about me behind my back for years. Then she hooked up with old HS friends that she was not in contact with for over 30 years. Had them convinced that I was abusive. Some of these friends she started communicating with two years ago but for the most part her support were a group of "friends" from over 30 years ago who really did not know her that she got in contact with early this year. In the aftermath of her confession and her telling her friends the truth and actually defending me where are they? For the most part they fled after learning she lied.

Her nutty sister has only spoken to her once in several weeks and she has very few conversations with her younger brother. She reached out to her other family members and the older sister replied once saying she wants to stay out of it and she has not heard a peep from her older brothers. All but one HS friend has cut ties with her and that one friend has not said much and even though they had made plans to meet again she is now blowing my wife off with excuses. 

So once the truth came out her support died. She tried to convince anyone she could that I was the problem. All lies. After my wife's confession she keeps telling me that it was all her fault.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> The sad part is that yes, it really is that simple, but they would rather stage elaborate hidden meetings and conversations and take the hard and coward's way to resolve a problem (only making more issues in the end) rather than face the music firsthand.


The funny thing is that I know a guy who was banging his wives sister, she lived in the summer house and he used to work away with me driving heavy plant and machinery, he used to love the thrill of sneaking back to their village and meeting her not 50yds from the house, he said it made him feel like James Bond, the sneaking around one night in the week, picking her up from work at the weekends and banging her brains out in the back of the works van, he seriously got addicted to the thrill and secrecy, shame is when they got caught she blew him out and his wife threw him out, he was a bit of a happy go lucky kind of guy and I never thought he would do anything like that until he came into work looking odd and needing to talk, we sat down and talked about everything, I knew the sister, smoking hot!!! But when I tried to convince him to stop both the affair and and the marriage and to work out his life without hurting anyone he told me I was a nut job.

Think there is more to it personally than driving one another into and out of affairs, yes it is cowardly to run around behind your SOs back and not deal with the issues but once hooked how do you stop getting in too deep?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Incidentally, my wife had an affair. For which she was 100% responsible for.

I had a 'revenge' affair and who was 100% responsible for that? *Me!*


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

For as long as I am married to my wife I will never lay hand on another woman in search of intimacy, I have learned that I am responsible for my own actions and this sh!tty blame culture of "bad childhoods" and "sexual abuse" as reason to justify the cheating, speaches of "they were desensitized from their emotions by the perpetrators of these hideous crimes", although this may be the case, there was absolutely nothing stopping them from receiving counselling to help rebuild them and their moral and emotional states.

I think it is more about being a grown up and being part of a successful marriage, how do you make a successful marriage, you *BOTH* work at it, and then cheating should not be an issue as you are both working towards meeting each others needs, whether physical or emotional, it should not matter, love, trust, honor and respect are the key building blocks in your marriage not sh!tty lame excuses to behave like a single when you are not!!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

wranglerman said:


> For as long as I am married to my wife I will never lay hand on another woman in search of intimacy, I have learned that I am responsible for my own actions and this sh!tty blame culture of "bad childhoods" and "sexual abuse" as reason to justify the cheating, speaches of "they were desensitized from their emotions by the perpetrators of these hideous crimes", although this may be the case, there was absolutely nothing stopping them from receiving counselling to help rebuild them and their moral and emotional states.
> 
> I think it is more about being a grown up and being part of a successful marriage, how do you make a successful marriage, you *BOTH* work at it, and then cheating should not be an issue as you are both working towards meeting each others needs, whether physical or emotional, it should not matter, love, trust, honor and respect are the key building blocks in your marriage not sh!tty lame excuses to behave like a single when you are not!!!


You make some good points.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

dear matt 

sorry wrong my friend 

"you never met my needs"
"you never pleasured me"
"you made me get a part time job(15 years ago!)"
"I never had my wild girlie 20's! (because I met you)"
"I cant help my problems affecting the way I behave" 
"I know I should be happy I have everything - but I'm not"
"you have never provided a secure future for us"
"please never stop being you -you are my life - don't ever change"
"sometimes I come home ..........and you're here"
"he made me feel special"
"you ARE the love of my life"
"I know without your total love, support and encouragement I would be nothing, could not have achieved what I have - I would be dead without it"


So you see Matt she was right it was ALL MY FAULT 





:lol:


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

I did not want the revenge affair I wanted my husband. Okay question if they have the affair why do they stay out there if they know it is wrong?


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I never once felt at all responsible, in any way, for my husband's affairs. 

He tuned out fairly quickly after we married and I am a huge communicator. He chose to close up and have affairs. My husband is just very weird. 

I live with no guilt at all and it feels great.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Rugs said:


> I never once felt at all responsible, in any way, for my husband's affairs.
> 
> He tuned out fairly quickly after we married and I am a huge communicator. He chose to close up and have affairs. * My husband is just very weird. *
> 
> I live with no guilt at all and it feels great.


Hmmm. :scratchhead:You just described most cheaters!:rofl:


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## LiJo (Jul 15, 2013)

beautiful_day said:


> I didn't blame myself for the affair, as I know I'm a darn good woman and made a lovely wife. But for a very long time I blamed myself for my 'stupidity' in trusting this man, moving to the US from the UK to be with him, and buying a house for him. How could I not see it?!
> 
> Now my confidence with making big decisions is completely shot.


I moved from germany to the US (and i still in love with Tennessee) for my husband because i wanted to be with him


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## beautiful_day (Mar 28, 2013)

Yeah, I absolutely LOVE living in the US. For a long time I was terribly homesick and then my cheating arsed husband left and I realized it wasn't the country it, was the man that was making me unhappy. So all in all it's worked out for the best. Very very scary for a while though.


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## redtulips (Jul 22, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> If they really had issues in your relationship, guess what? They could have talked.
> 
> But they didn't. They cheated.
> 
> ...


i agree with this... its always a choice...


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

johnAdams said:


> Our neighbors who were married well over 30 years just got a divorce due to her affair. At a family picnic, my wife and kids were all sitting around trying to figure out what HE did wrong. Seems it is never the cheaters fault.


Sheesh are your serious? They blamed him for her affair? How did your kids react when they found out about your wife's affair?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Yes, that is one thing I did back on DDay and afterwards is I took the brunt of the blame for H's EA...I remember telling him I would go to counselling to work on myself.

I honestly shudder when I think about how much of the blame I took on...I am glad I got my brain again and now know that he was to 100% blame for his cheating. What bothers me is how the WS will often lap it up when the BS is blaming themselves...how they must enjoy it because then they are not the bad guy/girl because they cheated but because poor them they had no choice...


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

johnAdams said:


> I honestly do not know. My daughter knows and has never mentioned it to me. If my son knows he has never mentioned it.


Have you ever thought about discussing it with them instead of bottling it up inside?


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## Brokenuma (Jul 19, 2013)

My husband of 16 years just cheated on me. We were both married before and my first husband was a serial cheater. This one seemed so honest, hard working and genuinely upset that he did that to me when we were dating and even in conversation years later. We both work full time and I work remotely out of my home. We earn a good living, and he collects old cars which is his hobby. I support this completely and have enjoyed the hobby with him over the years. Kids are grown, fast forward, caring for aging parents, now deceased on my side, he goes into one of many deep depressions and suddenly finds himself in the arms of his massage therapist who barely speaks English and is 20 years younger. 

I started smelling a rat, and his normal true blue behaviors become erratic and confusing with long absences and no answers to calls or texts. Suddenly large amounts of cash are being withdrawn from our account and the real red flag was, big diet, 30 pound weight loss, new clothes, tanning and request for prescription hair growth products. I really could not believe I was reliving my first marriage again after so many years of what I thought was a good stable marriage. 

Now I have blown the whistle and icing on the cake was the refillable pay phone I found in his bottom desk drawer which he left in error heading out late to a meeting yesterday. They professed their undying love to each other via text messages and she sent him numerous pictures of herself which he replied to super sweet and lovey, "Love you pretty baby." This from a man who days before how told me how depressed he was and was getting counseling for his ongoing dysthymia and anxiety issues. I asked if he was having an affair, which he swore he was not and that he was not sure he loved me because he was so depressed he could not feel anything at the moment.

Now the whistle is blown, he is sorry and wants to reconcile. I think he is only scrambling to figure things out since it is out in the open now. Top it all off our youngest son and his new wife are here visiting and I am trying to not break down and destroy our family. I know he has already burned down the house, my question is, it there any reason I should believe him? Or is there any hope to reconcile with someone who cheats. Trying to find statistics and data. I do not want another divorce but I am not a doormat and will not live with a man who has to cheat and blame it on his depression.

Thanks for your help.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Brokenuma, start your own thread, just coppy/paste this post.
Week ends are a little slow here but you will get support and advice anyway.Just to start.


> it there any reason I should believe him? Or is there any hope to reconcile with someone who cheats. Trying to find statistics and data.


Statistics won't tell you anything, it needs to be evaluated on a case to case basis.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

wranglerman said:


> ,
> I think it is more about being a grown up and being part of a successful marriage, how do you make a successful marriage, you *BOTH* work at it, and then cheating should not be an issue *as you are both working towards meeting each others needs*, whether physical or emotional, it should not matter, love, trust, honor and respect are the key building blocks in your marriage not sh!tty lame excuses to behave like a single when you are not!!!


What I highlighted in red is what I believe is the 'umbrella' of ALL problems in all relationships: IMMATURITY. 

Anyone can have a relationship. Anyone can get married and stay married for the next 60 years. But it takes two _mature_ people to have a _successful_ relationship/marriage. Unfortunately, people tend to believe that _longevity_ of a relationship/marriage is *proof* that it's "successful". Meanwhile, nothing could be farther from the truth.

Maturity includes consistently exercising self-control over our own shortcomings. It includes having enough humility to be able to look at our own beliefs, thoughts, words and actions and to make sure that they are 'correct'. It includes having the humility and self-awareness to admit the truth to ourselves (and others, if necessary) about our own shortcomings, and fairness to deal respectfully with _others_ shortcomings. It includes the understanding that even though we may not agree with the way our partner is doing something, it doesn't mean that our partner is "wrong" or "stupid" or "irrational". Their way of doing something may be _different_ from ours, but also just as valid. It takes the maturity of tolerance to understand and accept this. 

Some people seem to believe that emotional maturity _automatically_ and 'naturally' occurs as we get older. just as they believe that we are all born with the skills necessary to have a healthy relationship. Just by being on TAM, we know that nothing could be farther from the truth...

What I've *bolded* is more of the same regarding my first post on this thread. Modern psychology tells *us* that we are each responsible for meeting our OWN needs; that our partner is NOT responsible for meeting ANY of our needs. But then people like William Harley write books about meeting _each other's_ needs. So, what's the TRUTH? 

The truth is, that even if we were meeting ALL of our partner's needs, our partner could STILL cheat. A WS doesn't cheat because of the kind of partner the *BS* is; a WS cheats because of the kind of partner the *WS* _is_.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

It is never a person's fault when their significant other cheats on them.

It is their fault when they choose to stay in the dysfunction and allow themselves to be abused and taken for granted.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> If they really had issues in your relationship, guess what? They could have talked.
> 
> But they didn't. They cheated.
> 
> ...


Matt, Thanks for starting this thread. I really needed to see this in print this weekend. My STBX lied, betrayed and cheated on me and his family. He is a terrible father who goes months with no contact with his kids. He is unapologetic and tells his "new friends" how horrible his life was and that I am the cause. According to him, I did not support him enough, I was unsympathetic during his multiple illnesses, I didn't try hard enough to make him feel loved or appreciated, I didn't try hard enough to force his children to respect him, I didn't try hard enough to get him back into MC, I didn't understand him, etc. In his deluded mind, he had no choice but to betray me because he was entitled to be happy. We're almost finished with the D, and he is pushing hard to end it so he can get the last cash payment. Not once, not once has he expressed regret for the hurt. He never will. So while he continues to say I am the cause for his pain, I will work to remember that it was his choice. He chose not to try any other way.


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