# Advice plzz



## Katie012katie

Hi everyone, ok so I have been married for 13 years and we have had our fair share of ups and downs. Anyway, please be nice and don’t be mean. He is an amazing father to the kids and no bother whatsoever with supporting family, great worker and kids what for nothing. But there is something missing in our marriage I’m not sure what, I don’t even knoW how to put in words. We get on great from a great friends side of thing. There is and hasn’t been passion flirting closeness between us in years. Which is fine I suppose as life takes over but we haven’t made love in months….We have gone month without doing anything and when I try to explain to him this isn’t right he tell me he loves me soo much and he didn’t realised. But the truth be told I love and respect him as kids father but I’m not in love with him. I work hard too, I have my own business and a second job. It’s just come to the stage every time I bring it up it’s like I’m annoying him. It’s gone as far as me moving out but then guilt kicks in, he tell me he loves me soo much but I feel I’m just being here to clean cook and see to kids. Im very aware that happiness come from within and I’m very spiritually minded but I’m trying to figure out, do I go or stay?


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## SunCMars

I am so sorry for your situation.

Men who have no desire to have sex with their wife are sometimes getting it somewhere else.
If not, there is something off with their hormone levels.

Some reasons a man no longer wants sex with his wife:

He has low testosterone levels.
He is extremely stressed and stays stressed.
He has serious resentment toward you.
He does not find you sexy, he sees you as a mommy figure.
He is a closet homosexual.
He is a porn user, he does not need you for sex.
He has a side lover, she is taking care of his sexual needs.
He has erection issues and is embarrassed to admit it. (this can be mental or physical, or both).



_Lilith-_


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## SunCMars

Katie012katie said:


> I love and respect him as kids father but I’m not in love with him. I work hard too, I have my own business and a second job. It’s just come to the stage every time I bring it up it’s like I’m annoying him.


Have you told him that you love him but are not in love with him?
ILYBANILWY, is the acronym.

If so, there lies _*his resentment *_and there lies his unwilling and limp penis.


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## Katie012katie

SunCMars said:


> Have you told him that you love him but are not in love with him?
> ILYBANILWY, is the acronym.
> 
> If so, there lies _*his resentment *_and there lies his unwilling and limp penis.


He prop does resent me as I have never has an affair but I have kissed other man which I told him about, he wasn’t impresse with ( every right to be cross)…. I have told him I don’t feel I’m in love with him and he keeps telling me he loves me and he thinks I’m sexy. But actions speak louder than words…. My head is soo messed up because I crave having passion and fun and playfulness and yes I have told him that but again nothing. I have even told him I’m feel like having an affair


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## Jamieboy

Yeah, you're not helping matters by making threats. If the two of you aren't on the same page, best to part ways before you cheat and lose any moral high ground


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## SunCMars

I agree he should keep you sexually satisfied (if he wants to keep you).
His conscious mind wants to hold on to you, but the unconscious mind ain't allow'in it.

You have crushed his spirit with your words and you admitting kissing another man was the last straw.

He is too weak to ask for a divorce.

I think you should pull the plug on this marriage.
Both of you need a more compatible partner.


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## Katie012katie

SunCMars said:


> I agree he should keep you sexually satisfied (if he wants to keep you).
> His conscious mind wants to hold on to you, but the unconscious mind ain't allow'in it.
> 
> You have crushed his spirit with your words and you admitting kissing another man was the last straw.
> 
> He is too weak to ask for a divorce.
> 
> I think you should pull the plug on this marriage.
> Both of you need a more compatible partner.


I never told him to hurt him


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## Katie012katie

Jamieboy said:


> Yeah, you're not helping matters by making threats. If the two of you aren't on the same page, best to part ways before you cheat and lose any moral high ground


I didnt threaten him, I left and he came to me saying it would get better, what about kids ….. I have tried. I’m no angel and he’s a good person. I don’t know how to tell him again as I’m not setting out to hurt him


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## SunCMars

Katie012katie said:


> I never told him to hurt him


OK, that was not your intent....

What if your husband told you he kissed a woman at work and she did not push him away?
How would you feel?


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## Katie012katie

SunCMars said:


> OK, that was not your intent....
> 
> What if your husband told you he kissed a woman at work and she did not push him away?
> How would you feel?


I get that, I know what your saying. So I shouldn’t have told him then?…..


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## Diana7

Who was this man and are you still in contact with him?


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## SunCMars

Katie012katie said:


> I get that, I know what your saying. So I shouldn’t have told him then?…..


You are married. You should not be kissing other men.

If this kiss was a one-off, (and never to be repeated) then why aggravate your husband. 

But, it matters not at this point. He knows what you are capable of.


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## SunCMars

Are you and your husband in your late thirties?

How old are the children?


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## Katie012katie

Katie012katie said:


> I never told him to hurt him





Diana7 said:


> Who was this man and are you still in contact with him?
> [/QUOTE
> It was someone I New years ago and it was years ago we kissed…I have no contact with him


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## Katie012katie

SunCMars said:


> Are you and your husband in your late thirties?
> 
> How old are the children?


43 and kids are 11 and 14


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## jlg07

So you both fell into the big trap -- life. You HAVE to make your marital relationship your PRIMARY one in your life. You HAVE to keep working on that all the time and not get complacent. NOT let the kids lives drive what you do all the time. NOT let work become more important than your spouse.

Do you guys still have date nights? Do you go out to dinner, movies, dancing (whatever it is you both like to do ) a few times a month?
If not WHY NOT?
YOU seem to have given up on the marriage -- especially if you have kissed other men and you are thinking that you'd have an affair.
BEFORE you do that, PLEASE do the right thing and divorce.


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## Katie012katie

SunCMars said:


> You are married. You should not be kissing other men.
> 
> If this kiss was a one-off, (and never to be repeated) then why aggravate your husband.
> 
> But, it matters not at this point. He knows what you are capable of.


Capable off!. I’m sorry what? 
Jes Im a good person and I have never slept with another man while being married. I slipped up with a kiss, I was just needing advice and people to talk too not a judgement made feel crap


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## Katie012katie

jlg07 said:


> So you both fell into the big trap -- life. You HAVE to make your marital relationship your PRIMARY one in your life. You HAVE to keep working on that all the time and not get complacent. NOT let the kids lives drive what you do all the time. NOT let work become more important than your spouse.
> 
> Do you guys still have date nights? Do you go out to dinner, movies, dancing (whatever it is you both like to do ) a few times a month?
> If not WHY NOT?
> YOU seem to have given up on the marriage -- especially if you have kissed other men and you are thinking that you'd have an affair.
> BEFORE you do that, PLEASE do the right thing and divorce.


I feel everyone on here is jumping on my honesty on a kiss I had with one man not MEN !....


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## Katie012katie

Katie012katie said:


> Capable off!. I’m sorry what?
> Jes Im a good person and I have never slept with another man while being married. I slipped up with a kiss, I was just needing advice and people to talk too not a judgement made feel crap


One man NOT MEN!


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## jlg07

Katie012katie said:


> I feel everyone on here is jumping on my honesty on a kiss I had with one man not MEN !....


Sorry, I stand corrected -- kissed one man (and if I read correctly that was a long time ago and not repeated?) I was not trying to jump on you about that, but your messages indicate that you are growing AWAY from your H, and that you WANT to pursue other men -- if that is NOT the case, then please just clarify that.

Here's the thing -- you husband KNOWS that you did this and I bet that has been eating at him making him wonder WAS it just a kiss? Has she done it with others but just not let me know? That type of thing.

It still does NOT negate my other advice. If you truly want to try, then TRY to reconnect with your H. Date him, don't allow him to become complacent either.


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## Katie012katie

jlg07 said:


> So you both fell into the big trap -- life. You HAVE to make your marital relationship your PRIMARY one in your life. You HAVE to keep working on that all the time and not get complacent. NOT let the kids lives drive what you do all the time. NOT let work become more important than your spouse.
> 
> Do you guys still have date nights? Do you go out to dinner, movies, dancing (whatever it is you both like to do ) a few times a month?
> If not WHY NOT?
> YOU seem to have given up on the marriage -- especially if you have kissed other men and you are thinking that you'd have an affair.
> BEFORE you do that, PLEASE do the right thing and divorce.





jlg07 said:


> Sorry, I stand corrected -- kissed one man (and if I read correctly that was a long time ago and not repeated?) I was not trying to jump on you about that, but your messages indicate that you are growing AWAY from your H, and that you WANT to pursue other men -- if that is NOT the case, then please just clarify that.
> 
> Here's the thing -- you husband KNOWS that you did this and I bet that has been eating at him making him wonder WAS it just a kiss? Has she done it with others but just not let me know? That type of thing.
> 
> It still does NOT negate my other advice. If you truly want to try, then TRY to reconnect with your H. Date him, don't allow him to become complacent either.


Thank you for that, no I don’t want other another man in my life, I’m not interested. But I just get a bit lonely from time to time, ya know when just a hug would do!…. my husband works 4 night a week and sleeps during the day, which is grand and he needs sleep and I no he’s tired I just feel invisible and I’m fed up having a chat about trying to makes thing better.


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## jlg07

Katie012katie said:


> Thank you for that, no I don’t want other another man in my life, I’m not interested. But I just get a bit lonely from time to time, ya know when just a hug would do!…. my husband works 4 night a week and sleeps during the day, which is grand and he needs sleep and I no he’s tired I just feel invisible and I’m fed up having a chat about trying to makes thing better.


So, try setting up a date for one of the nights he doesn't work -- doesn't have to be late.
Just say "I made reservations at xxx for 6pm on Saturday night for us. What else would you like to do?" DO NOT let him avoid this. You should talk about that you both have let your primary relationship go, and that if he doesn't want it COMPLETELY gone, then you both need to step up and WORK at it.
Everyone believes that after the marriage ceremony, things just go along like they are supposed to. Sorry, it takes WORK and constant communication with your spouse, or things fall by the wayside. Yeah, it's REALLY easy to get into a habit or rut, and oftentimes very hard to get out -- but I do think you should make the effort.

Once you do this, tell him HE needs to plan the next one -- in two weeks...


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## Katie012katie

jlg07 said:


> So, try setting up a date for one of the nights he doesn't work -- doesn't have to be late.
> Just say "I made reservations at xxx for 6pm on Saturday night for us. What else would you like to do?" DO NOT let him avoid this. You should talk about that you both have let your primary relationship go, and that if he doesn't want it COMPLETELY gone, then you both need to step up and WORK at it.
> Everyone believes that after the marriage ceremony, things just go along like they are supposed to. Sorry, it takes WORK and constant communication with your spouse, or things fall by the wayside. Yeah, it's REALLY easy to get into a habit or rut, and oftentimes very hard to get out -- but I do think you should make the effort.
> 
> Once you do this, tell him HE needs to plan the next one -- in two weeks...


I have done that and arranged a sitter for kids and we have gone for walks, dinner in fancy restaurants (to make it a date) we click so well as friends, we have a laugh and say silly things to each other and that but when it come to the bedroom it’s not there, and when it did happen he rolls over goes to sleep after or I’m too warm to lie beside and goodnight…. So now I don’t want to sleep with him myself now because I not begging for it and I’m now allowing myself to have a wham bam thank you mam empty experience …hope this is making sense


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## CatholicDad

Seems like you need to determine if he either a) truly has no sex drive or b) is directing his sex drive elsewhere. Porn is an epidemic today... I’d suggest snooping his devices. At least then you’ll know if this is a purposeful betrayal (via his willed action) or if he’s just an innocent man with no sex drive.


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## Jamieboy

The advice I gave might seem harsh and I'm sorry if comes across that way. The thing is, you're considering an affair, that takes energy out of your relationship. I think if you have tried and he is not putting in equal effort, you owe it to yourself to get out and start again. Free from the stigma of being the cheater. It may be worth one last conversation, where you ask that you both start again, give each other your full attention and try to rebuild the connection. If he's unwilling, then you know its the right decision to leave and seek a relationship that fulfills you.


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## Katie012katie

Jamieboy said:


> The advice I gave might seem harsh and I'm sorry if comes across that way. The thing is, you're considering an affair, that takes energy out of your relationship. I think if you have tried and he is not putting in equal effort, you owe it to yourself to get out and start again. Free from the stigma of being the cheater. It may be worth one last conversation, where you ask that you both start again, give each other your full attention and try to rebuild the connection. If he's unwilling, then you know its the right decision to leave and seek a relationship that fulfills you.


Thank you for your advice and I will take it on board, il consider trying another time


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## Luckylucky

Firstly, your list of things that you’re asking for is huge. We all have marriages where we sometimes don’t see eachother. And sometimes a tired man will roll over after sex. Actually most times 😄. Sometimes a man really is exhausted and doesn’t want to be chatting for ages after the deed. We women could talk all night, I know I could. 😂 We all get a bit lonely too! That’s life! Those days of hanging out and talking for hours and your boyfriend’s undivided attention for hours on end aren’t realistic. Bills need to be paid, houses need cleaning and kids need attending to, and bodies and minds need a rest. Could you be very needy and attention-seeking and demanding of people’s every minute? You seem extremely defensive and justified too. ‘Don’t be meeeean!’ 

Tell us about the man you kissed and how you got caught?


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## Katie012katie

Luckylucky said:


> Firstly, your list of things that you’re asking for is huge. We all have marriages where we sometimes don’t see eachother. And sometimes a tired man will roll over after sex. Actually most times 😄. Sometimes a man really is exhausted and doesn’t want to be chatting for ages after the deed. We women could talk all night, I know I could. 😂 We all get a bit lonely too! That’s life! Those days of hanging out and talking for hours and your boyfriend’s undivided attention for hours on end aren’t realistic. Bills need to be paid, houses need cleaning and kids need attending to, and bodies and minds need a rest. Could you be very needy and attention-seeking and demanding of people’s every minute? You seem extremely defensive and justified too. ‘Don’t be meeeean!’
> 
> Tell us about the man you kissed and how you got caught?


WHAT ? Are you actually serious. Needy? And defensive? awh your having a laugh


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## Mr. Nail

At first I thought this was a man focused on his kids, which happens and kills the sex life.
Now, after reading further he is a shift worker living a different schedule than you. Which happens and kills the sex life.
I've been in the mixed schedules thing. I can't give you much advice because I actually miss it now. 
Now my life is full of empty silences since we got out of the habit of being a couple. But , but, We have always had more frequent sex than you are having.

You are 7 years from an empty nest. You have just that time to find some ways to connect with each other. If you don't you will end up in my shoes. Not even the kids to hold you together. The dead bedroom is a symptom, not the disease. The real problem is an emotional detachment.


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## DownByTheRiver

Katie012katie said:


> I have done that and arranged a sitter for kids and we have gone for walks, dinner in fancy restaurants (to make it a date) we click so well as friends, we have a laugh and say silly things to each other and that but when it come to the bedroom it’s not there, and when it did happen he rolls over goes to sleep after or I’m too warm to lie beside and goodnight…. So now I don’t want to sleep with him myself now because I not begging for it and I’m now allowing myself to have a wham bam thank you mam empty experience …hope this is making sense


There are a lot of possibilities, and just one is that once you said you kissed a guy and about not loving him every way, that he took that as justification to find someone else or elses to have sex with when he wants to. 

You hurt him and he probably can't trust you (I know it was just a kiss, but it was disloyal), so his feelings for you changed. My only advice here is think before you bluntly tell him you don't love him and anything like that, because that cuts deep. Stop and think before you speak about how you'd feel if he said that to you. Your intent wasn't to hurt him, but anyone should know that that would clearly hurt anyone!


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

You did a disservice to your husband pure and simple. There is no explaining it away you kissed another man. What is going through his head is ”what else has she done?”. You two seem to have a massive communication gap from what you post. Additionally, you are unclear as to what it is you want in my opinion. As one who has been cheated on, forget trying to explain it away as “it was just a kiss”. That is extremely lame on your part.

I would recommend that if you desire to save your marriage you consider marriage counseling, as well as having an open and honest discussion as to how you feel, and perhaps he will open up to you. Communication is paramount in a marriage. Without communication you cannot have a solid marriage.

If you desire to save your marriage, consider reading “The Passionate Marriage” by Dr. David Snarnach. Wonderful book my wife and I read as well as re-read via audible. Awesome and our MC helped us work through this book. Keep in mind a marriage is like a flower garden. It require tending to and regular ”watering” or it withers on the vine.

I wish you the best, but it is likely you have done considerable damage to him.


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## Katie012katie

Mr. Nail said:


> At first I thought this was a man focused on his kids, which happens and kills the sex life.
> Now, after reading further he is a shift worker living a different schedule than you. Which happens and kills the sex life.
> I've been in the mixed schedules thing. I can't give you much advice because I actually miss it now.
> Now my life is full of empty silences since we got out of the habit of being a couple. But , but, We have always had more frequent sex than you are having.
> 
> You are 7 years from an empty nest. You have just that time to find some ways to connect with each other. If you don't you will end up in my shoes. Not even the kids to hold you together. The dead bedroom is a symptom, not the disease. The real problem is an emotional detachment.


Thank you this makes sense to me


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## She'sStillGotIt

Katie012katie said:


> _*.... he tell me he loves me soo much but I feel I’m just being here to clean cook and see to kids. Im very aware that happiness come from within and I’m very spiritually minded but I’m trying to figure out, do I go or stay?*_


You work TWO jobs *AND *you're expected to do all the cleaning and cooking and child-rearing on top of it? 

You married a real prince.

Why the hell do you stay with this lazy ass? It sounds like he wants you around because he needs a mommy-wife to do everything but chew his damned food for him. The only one benefitting from this marriage is _*him*_.

Lastly, Mr. Wonderful is most likely sexually engaged elsewhere - while you're too busy cleaning, cooking, raising your kids and washing this ass-hole's dirty underwear for him, he's probably out doing whatever it is he does to satisfy himself. 

Next time you move out, make sure you STAY out.


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