# Sexless marriage



## JessicaA (May 8, 2017)

Hi, I've posted this in a forum as a reply to a very long thread but I'm new here so not sure it would get seen, will try not to repeat myself too much but in brief I'm in a sexless marriage, we've only been married 3 years (almost) but my husband is on anti depressants which has affected his desire to have sex, maintain an erection etc it's making me desperately unhappy, I've thought of cheating, ending the marriage, separation, everything. I've even told him this to get him to realise this is serious, I don't want to be married to just a friend but that's what we're becoming. I've tried calm, rationale (and angry, I'm not proud of verbally 'attacking' him) showing him how sad I am, but nothing changes. I don't know what else to do. He tells me he still thinks I'm sexy but I don't feel it, the irony is I am becoming depressed, I rarely look at myself in the mirror cos I can't bear to know my husband is not interested in my body, I'm beginning to even feel self conscious about him seeing me naked because it's like getting naked in front of a friend. I don't want to cheat, I really don't but in my head I get closer to that every day, I flirt online with people (anonymously - like on Tumblr) and I know it's wrong but I just want to feel desired again, even if it's meaningless, faceless and brief. His response is either silence or that he understands it's difficult - and I want to scream when he says this, no point empathising if nothing changes. I've run out of things to say to get him to realise the issue, I fear my own anger and resentment will be what ends us, I don't know how long I go on like this, he's not coming off the meds any time soon. I asked him the other night did he think i would cheat and he said no, I replied that I think of it all the time, that if he doesn't want sex with me, then I want it elsewhere, I feel terrible for saying what I did and I ruined a fab night but other than me apologising, he's shown no desire to discuss further and I can't keep finding different ways of saying the same thing. :crying:


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## Nugget (Apr 29, 2017)

I'm in the same situation from a man's perspective. I've been married for for 12 years. About the last 9 have been what would be considered sexless. A few times a year at most. At the moment, we've had sex one time in the last 18 months. I've never considered cheating as I've had it happen to me before and I know how painful it is. I try to hide the desperation as I know that won't help anything. Anti depressants really knock the wind out of the sails. She says there are other things from our past and her past that kill her drive but I'm not sure if that's true or just an excuse. I'm not sure if ahe realizes how painful it is to not be desired by the person who loves you and puts you on a pedistool of admiration and devotion. It's a tough place to be. She often thinks that sex is all I care about when it's really her that always focuses on it in a negative light. When it does happen it's amazing for both of us. We both love each other deeply. We just have different views on the importance of intimacy. 

I understand her side as she was a victim of sexual abuse and now battles ptsd because of it. It's a tough spot lady. Please don't cheat on him though. If you're convinced you cannot be happy without that intimacy, please leave him before seeking that satisfaction. Being cheated on is the worst possible pain a dedicated man can feel. There are supplements that help libido for men. If he's willing to give it a shot he can talk to his doctor about which ones won't negatively impact his antidepressants. Good luck!

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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP, was your husband like this before he started the anti-depressants or has he been on them for as long as you've known him? 

A bad sex life is a huge problem for a marriage, so its important that you find a solution, or if you can't divorce. You don't want to spend the rest of your life like this.

I don't blame you for seeking out attention from other me since your husband is ignoring you, but you know where it will lead. At some point, what you think of as harmless (or mostly harmless) flirting will lead to a situation where there is a real opportunity to cheat. Then you probably will. At that point *you* will feel like the guilty one, and either be trapped by your guilt, or leave anyway. Don't do it. If you want someone else (and I don't blame you for it!), then divorce first.


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## JessicaA (May 8, 2017)

Thanks so much for your reply. In all honesty I don't really believe I'd cheat, it's happened to me too and the pain was unbearable, so even though I voice my fear I know it would be devastating, and for what, no it's not the answer I know this. 9 years though ... that's the thought I can't handle, that this could go on for so long and that by the time he's off the meds I'd feel weird. Sex would feel weird. Last time we had sex it was great, he initiated it but the time before - I'd said to him let's just do it, lets try to connect before we're strangers and it was awkward, he felt anxious just thinking of it! So I know the longer this goes on, it actually becomes more anxiety provoking for him in terms of 'performance' and I truly do not want to make it difficult for him. I have suggested viagra but he's dismissed the idea so far ...


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## JessicaA (May 8, 2017)

When we met sex was amazing! Truly I've never experienced sex as good as we had it, but as time went on there was less, so not having sex was becoming an issue before his meds, he acknowledges his desire was changing before, he says it's not me that it begin when he was 37 (he was 40 when we met so I struggle to see the correlation). I won't cheat, I won't, I say it cos I fantasise about having sex and start to think 'how could my desire be met where no one gets hurt' which is nonsensical. I know if even there was an 'opportunity' (which there won't be, my life both work and at home means this is not going to happen) I know I wouldn't allow it to happen, I think it's more that I think about it which is horrid in itself, it's why I express it to him because it's my way of saying 'you know me, you know I think affairs are cruel and unnecessary, and quite frankly a lazy way to resolve a problem, but the fact it's a thought at all should tell you how desperate this situation is becoming'. Thank you so much for your reply.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I think the first step is to see his doctor with him, and discuss the problems his medications are causing. Unless his doctor knows there is a problem, there is no reason to make changes or try other solutions. Sometimes, different medications can lead to much better results in the sex department. If that doesn't work, and he really must stay on these medications, then you should probably leave him. Don't cheat - it's better to resolve this or leave. Just set a time frame that is reasonable for him to see his doctor with you along, and then ask his doctor how long it will take to notice any improvement, if there is one. After that point, if there isn't improvement, leave.


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## JessicaA (May 8, 2017)

Married but Happy said:


> I think the first step is to see his doctor with him, and discuss the problems his medications are causing. Unless his doctor knows there is a problem, there is no reason to make changes or try other solutions. Sometimes, different medications can lead to much better results in the sex department. If that doesn't work, and he really must stay on these medications, then you should probably leave him. Don't cheat - it's better to resolve this or leave. Just set a time frame that is reasonable for him to see his doctor with you along, and then ask his doctor how long it will take to notice any improvement, if there is one. After that point, if there isn't improvement, leave.


I think you're right and that is a good idea, he did go to see his doctor after he started on the meds and their response was loss of libido wasn't a side effect (great doctor who can't even read what the most common side effect is!!) anyway they were changed but it made no difference. Last time he saw the doc he was told he should be on them for another year, I was crushed, if nothing else that he seemed okay with this. But yep maybe we need to go together as I feel the doctor hasn't heard it's actually an issue, either because when my husband has said it is, he won't have conveyed the impact OR the doctor just views it as a side issue and not important on the grand scheme of things which is what is suspect, or maybe it's both.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I feel for you... Been married for 20 years and mostly sexless.. I cheated years ago but wished I was brave enough to divorce instead. But here I am scanning the forum for answers. I thought in the beginning 'things' would get better but it never did.. You buy a house, have kids and the list goes on and then it's impossible for intimacy. Yes, lots of resentment too...


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

JessicaA said:


> Thanks so much for your reply. In all honesty I don't really believe I'd cheat, it's happened to me too and the pain was unbearable, so even though I voice my fear I know it would be devastating, and for what, no it's not the answer I know this. 9 years though ... that's the thought I can't handle, that this could go on for so long and that by the time he's off the meds I'd feel weird. Sex would feel weird. Last time we had sex it was great, he initiated it but the time before - I'd said to him let's just do it, lets try to connect before we're strangers and it was awkward, he felt anxious just thinking of it! So I know the longer this goes on, it actually becomes more anxiety provoking for him in terms of 'performance' and I truly do not want to make it difficult for him. *I have suggested viagra but he's dismissed the idea so far* ...


He doesn't get to dismiss viagra.

He also doesn't get to dismiss having his T levels checked.

Men's erections are very touchy things; all kinds of mental crap can interfere.

It's going to be very important that you not put too much pressure on him (yes, that too, can make it hard to get an erection).

It's hard to approach sex when you don;t have any confidence that your equipment will work as required. Think of it as taking on a challenging assignment at work when you think it will likely result in humiliating failure and you'll get an idea as to what's going through his mind when the possibility of sex is mentioned.

BUT, he HAS to pursue solutions.

If his T levels are too low, then he just doesn't have the desire to have sex.

If his hydraulics are having a problem, Viagra will that. Viagra will also help power him through some mental hang ups.

Tell him that your sexless marriage is a BIG problem for you.

Tell him that what's most important to you is that he cares enough about your happiness to vigorously pursue all possible solutions.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> I think the first step is to see his doctor with him, and discuss the problems his medications are causing. Unless his doctor knows there is a problem, there is no reason to make changes or try other solutions. Sometimes, different medications can lead to much better results in the sex department. If that doesn't work, and he really must stay on these medications, then you should probably leave him. Don't cheat - it's better to resolve this or leave. Just set a time frame that is reasonable for him to see his doctor with you along, and then ask his doctor how long it will take to notice any improvement, if there is one. After that point, if there isn't improvement, leave.


I very much agree with this. If your hubs doesn't see this as a problem, which it sounds like he doesn't, then he isn't going to report it to the doctor. The only way for you to make sure the doctor knows about these negative side effects and changes the treatment in accordance is if YOU tell him.

Also, what type of doctor is prescribing these? Is it a GP, a psychiatrist, or a psychologist? I'm just wondering how much non-drug therapy he's getting for these problems. Because clearly, his depression is wreaking havoc on his marital life, but the doctor isn't addressing it, which means that either your hubs doesn't realize it's a problem (or, worse, doesn't CARE) and isn't telling the doctor, or the doctor doesn't think it's important enough to prioritize.

If hubs isn't willing to do anything to solve this problem, or if he doesn't think it's a problem, or doesn't care... you can either choose to put up with this for the rest of your life, because that's what you're looking at, or you can leave.


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## JessicaA (May 8, 2017)

That makes me so sad, and reminds me of myself in that I've given myself 'deadlines' e.g. If it's not different after our holiday I'll start discussing separating (we came back off holiday almost a year ago!) but I keep extending my own deadline and I fear I could look back in 20 years and think 'what was I thinking, how did I allow this for so long'. I was going to tell him after Christmas that I wanted us to separate - not because I actually want that but I thought if we were apart it would give him time to think, on the same day my mother rang to say my brother had left his wife and she was so relieved she no longer had me to worry about .... so I didn't say anything but then a few weeks ago i did, I really felt he'd heard me, but then if nothing changes, he either hasn't or he's just in a zone of thinking we are okay. The irony is I spent a week at home (parents) the other week and spent time with all my family essentially discussing my brother leaving his wife, when his wife told me all the things my brother had said in the last year or two I wanted to say 'how did you not hear him?? If you'd listened to him instead of saying I think we're happy he may not have left' cos this is what I fear will happen, I keep saying the words, my husband says we'll be okay and then one day we really won't be and it'll be too late.


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## JessicaA (May 8, 2017)

FeministInPink said:


> I very much agree with this. If your hubs doesn't see this as a problem, which it sounds like he doesn't, then he isn't going to report it to the doctor. The only way for you to make sure the doctor knows about these negative side effects and changes the treatment in accordance is if YOU tell him.
> 
> Also, what type of doctor is prescribing these? Is it a GP, a psychiatrist, or a psychologist? I'm just wondering how much non-drug therapy he's getting for these problems. Because clearly, his depression is wreaking havoc on his marital life, but the doctor isn't addressing it, which means that either your hubs doesn't realize it's a problem (or, worse, doesn't CARE) and isn't telling the doctor, or the doctor doesn't think it's important enough to prioritize.
> 
> If hubs isn't willing to do anything to solve this problem, or if he doesn't think it's a problem, or doesn't care... you can either choose to put up with this for the rest of your life, because that's what you're looking at, or you can leave.


It's a GP prescribing and they're not the best doctors surgery to be honest and that in itself makes me angry because he's just put on medication, no discussion about further treatment, talking therapy etc. I'm not a fan of antidepressants unkess they are literally saving your life because they're not magic, they don't take away the fact my husband is in a stressful job, that he can't find another one, that he's exhausted during the week etc. And we have discussed this as part of what we can both do to get him off the meds i.e. What life changes need to occur, he could stop taking them tomorrow and the crux of the issue won't have been addressed. I am genuinely struggling with knowing if he doesn't care and so isn't expressing the issue OR he's not recognising the issue, I believe he cares, I believe he loves me, but his lack of desire to resolve this does not marry up with his words. If he understood how big a deal this is he'd be at the doctor saying my marriage is going to end, help me out. And equally how can he not understand, I am no longer being subtle, he literally has no words when we discuss it. The last time we (I) spoke properly about this - about 3 weeks ago, I was in tears, I told him how much I miss him, how his last doctor appt impacted on me, how I'm scared if he dies that my memories would be of unhappiness (I work a lot with death so it's not that weird for me to say this honest), that I've considered us separating because I'm unhappy. He looked utterly crushed - but 3 weeks on, things are the same as they were 12 months ago, so what he is actually taking on board I genuinely don't know 😔


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## JessicaA (May 8, 2017)

Buddy400 said:


> He doesn't get to dismiss viagra.
> 
> He also doesn't get to dismiss having his T levels checked.
> 
> ...


So helpful thank you! Being a woman I can obviously never truly understand or comprehend the difficulties in terms of getting an erection or maintaining it and I'm incredibly conscious that I could be making this worse by raising it again and again (no puns intended!). We need to go to the doctor together and your advice is brilliant because you're right, if other stuff is going on we both need to know and if there is a solution via other drugs then he should be open to this, we are meant to be married and I'm beginning to feel exhausted by feeling my mere existence is enough for him rather than my happiness.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

JessicaA said:


> He looked utterly crushed - but 3 weeks on, things are the same as they were 12 months ago, so what he is actually taking on board I genuinely don't know 😔


As "Buddy" implied in a previous post, not being interested to try Viagra changes my perception of your husband. I would not leave a good wife because she physically became incapable of having sex. However, I would leave if she didn't show an effort to find a remedy to the problem. If no effective remedy was found, I would still stay and appreciate that she wanted to find and tried to find a solution.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

You are going to have to ultimatum him. If he is hesitant because he may be embarrassed or whatnot, you simply have to stand your ground.

Something of the nature of, "Look, I love you and I want to get this situation resolved. I will not stay in a sexless marriage. Either we go to the doctor together and try anything it takes to help our sex life out or I want to separate."

Fluff it up all you want, make sure you say our sex life and not that it's just his problem. Don't fight, don't argue, don't let him refocus the discussion. Either he is in or you are out.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

JessicaA said:


> I believe he cares, I believe he loves me, but his lack of desire to resolve this does not marry up with his words. .... that I've considered us separating because I'm unhappy. He looked utterly crushed - but 3 weeks on, things are the same as they were 12 months ago, so what he is actually taking on board I genuinely don't know ��


The first part of the quote is very important. 

He may be crushed because he believes he is incapable of making you happy and keeping you. If he suffers from depressions, it is likely knowing he's not making you happy just drives him deeper into depression. He may also be crushed because he feels you should love him enough to want to be with him, regardless of sex (we men hear that from wives pretty regularly). Again, this will likely drive him into greater depression. 

In either case (whether he blames himself or blames you), he has to realize that:
1. This is a problem
2. It will not go away on its own
3. HE must take additional steps to address the issue. 

In short, he needs to "man up" and show action that matches his words, which means he may need to swallow his pride a bit (accept additional help), set his ego aside (put the state of your union at the center of his life), or cut you loose so you can avoid a lifetime centered on an unfulfilling relationship.

Just how to get this message across is the real sticky wicket. Anything short of a serious wake up call (i.e. divorce papers) may not get through. At the same time, any pressure may only drive him deeper into his funk. It doesn't sound like a bridge you've been able to cross or a balance you can maintain at this point. 

I think help from someone other than the GP (true psychological/psychiatric help) is probably necessary if you're going to span this divide.

Unfortunately, he may be unwilling, or think himself incapable of, overcoming this difficulty and/or be too proud to seek additional help. Press on, hope for the best, but know that at this point he may not come around, and you may need to start thinking about whether or not you are willing to draw a line in the sand and stand by it.


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## JessicaA (May 8, 2017)

Herschel said:


> You are going to have to ultimatum him. If he is hesitant because he may be embarrassed or whatnot, you simply have to stand your ground.
> 
> Something of the nature of, "Look, I love you and I want to get this situation resolved. I will not stay in a sexless marriage. Either we go to the doctor together and try anything it takes to help our sex life out or I want to separate."
> 
> Fluff it up all you want, make sure you say our sex life and not that it's just his problem. Don't fight, don't argue, don't let him refocus the discussion. Either he is in or you are out.


Thank you! Yes you're right, I do need to do this, I am genuinely trying not to make this about his problem, I recognise that's not helpful. And I honestly don't think he's embarrassed to discuss it, he's just not engaged with a solution at all. His dad wrote to him a few weeks ago and I read the letter (with his permission obviously) and at the end it said very randomly 'think about asking the doctor for viagra' and I was shocked, I asked him how on earth this had come up in conversation (he's not close to his parents) and he was so vague about it, said he think he mentioned it ages ago (think?! Clearly the conversation happened!) but I couldn't believe he'd told his dad this was an issue and yet when I try to discuss it, he's almost silent, if he'd told a friend or colleague I would have thought nothing of it, I want him to speak to his friends about it cos I think they'd tell him what the replies are saying AND I think he'd hear that, particularly from a man who naturally could empathise more, but his dad?? Who he probably speaks to once a year when he goes home and even then it's obvious he finds the conversation difficult and infuriating, but he told him the most personal thing and is then completely vague with me when I ask about it ...


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## Ultrafrustrated (Apr 30, 2017)

JessicaA said:


> I don't want to be married to just a friend but that's what we're becoming. I've tried calm, rationale (and angry, I'm not proud of verbally 'attacking' him) showing him how sad I am, but nothing changes. I don't know what else to do. He tells me he still thinks I'm sexy but I don't feel it, the irony is I am becoming depressed, I rarely look at myself in the mirror cos I can't bear to know my husband is not interested in my body, I'm beginning to even feel self conscious about him seeing me naked because it's like getting naked in front of a friend. I don't want to cheat, I really don't but in my head I get closer to that every day, I flirt online with people (anonymously - like on Tumblr) and I know it's wrong but I just want to feel desired again, even if it's meaningless, faceless and brief.crying:


You are like the female version of me. I feel all your pain! I've asked my wife to go to the doctor about her low libido. She never goes. Been married to my best friend for 28 years--haven't made love in a year. Before that we would have sex maybe 4 times a year for the past 20 years. I love her but I need to know I'm wanted. I flirt online and with women because I want to know that I am desirable. I quit pursuing after her because she never initiated sex. I finally gave up and no sex for a freaking year! She did not pursue me once! When I posted my frustration I got some "experts" trying to tell me that I need to start doing things for her. I'm a good husband. I cook, clean, do outside work, do projects together with her, hold her hand when walking. Give her attention. We talk a lot. I've talked to her about the problem. No action. She's my best friend but not my lover. I am so tempted to have an affair but I'm too loyal. My frustration comes out at times in anger about stupid things. I am so tired of this situation..


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

JessicaA said:


> Thank you! Yes you're right, I do need to do this, I am genuinely trying not to make this about his problem, I recognise that's not helpful. And I honestly don't think he's embarrassed to discuss it, he's just not engaged with a solution at all. His dad wrote to him a few weeks ago and I read the letter (with his permission obviously) and at the end it said very randomly 'think about asking the doctor for viagra' and I was shocked, I asked him how on earth this had come up in conversation (he's not close to his parents) and he was so vague about it, said he think he mentioned it ages ago (think?! Clearly the conversation happened!) but I couldn't believe he'd told his dad this was an issue and yet when I try to discuss it, he's almost silent, if he'd told a friend or colleague I would have thought nothing of it, I want him to speak to his friends about it cos I think they'd tell him what the replies are saying AND I think he'd hear that, particularly from a man who naturally could empathise more, but his dad?? Who he probably speaks to once a year when he goes home and even then it's obvious he finds the conversation difficult and infuriating, but he told him the most personal thing and is then completely vague with me when I ask about it ...


On a side note, could you see...possibly, if there is any chance he might be gay?


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## JessicaA (May 8, 2017)

Ultrafrustrated said:


> You are like the female version of me. I feel all your pain! I've asked my wife to go to the doctor about her low libido. She never goes. Been married to my best friend for 28 years--haven't made love in a year. Before that we would have sex maybe 4 times a year for the past 20 years. I love her but I need to know I'm wanted. I flirt online and with women because I want to know that I am desirable. I quit pursuing after her because she never initiated sex. I finally gave up and no sex for a freaking year! She did not pursue me once! When I posted my frustration I got some "experts" trying to tell me that I need to start doing things for her. I'm a good husband. I cook, clean, do outside work, do projects together with her, hold her hand when walking. Give her attention. We talk a lot. I've talked to her about the problem. No action. She's my best friend but not my lover. I am so tempted to have an affair but I'm too loyal. My frustration comes out at times in anger about stupid things. I am so tired of this situation..


Is it wrong I'm relieved to know someone is in the same boat (flirting, thinking of cheating, not doing and never will but the need for desire). Sometimes I tell myself sex isn't everything - and it's not until it's not happening and then it becomes everything - but what I mean is, what if he had an accident, what if he physically couldn't, say because he was so unwell (I know mental health is just as important as physical but I hope you understand what I'm saying) and I had to care for him. But then I remind myself we are not in that situation, I am not thinking of cheating (and I won't cheat I know) because he's disabled, but I try to rationalise, tell myself we have fun together, we laugh a lot, we have great conversations, but then I'm back to 'so we're good friends but I didn't get married to just my friend!'. But I know, humans need connectivity, it's how we function, it's why we exist, it's why people cannot exist in solitary confinement for example, it's inhumane to not have a human touch, it's a primary need. And without it I feel like I'm dying inside, and I work too close to death for the rest of my life to be unfulfilled. I'm still young, I'd like sex again before the menopause kicks in, whilst my body is still alright and not aged to be 95. So reading your words, firstly I'm sorry, it really does suck doesn't it, but secondly, you've reminded me I'm not insane for wanting what we had (not that anyone has implied that of course but it's how I feel most of the time).


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## JessicaA (May 8, 2017)

Herschel said:


> On a side note, could you see...possibly, if there is any chance he might be gay?


Answering honestly .... it is something I've thought, he has a work mate for example who he speaks to every single day! Occasionally we go to this mates house just because we've had to pick or drop something off and he rings him to check he got back ok?! Which is just weird. I've even made jokes about it, that they spend more time on the phone than he and I ever have or would. He would never tell me the details but I know he was abused when he was younger, I don't know the details but I do know that his cousin used to get him and maybe others to show him their genitals, I think it wasn't just boys. My sense is it was a kind of show and tell and nothing physical happened but it was more than show and tell as the abuser was a young ish man (maybe 15 or 16) and the kids (other cousins) were at least 10years younger. I'm not equating abuse with homosexuality by the way, just that I know that because the abuser was male this is worse for him. I also know he was bullied at school 'for being gay' which stemmed from a non event being made into nasty school time bullying, he has never had a relationship with a man and I know he would tell me if he had, I know that. I know what porn he likes and it's most definitely women and most definitely not men, like the idea of say two men penetrating (sorry I am not intending to be so graphic) a woman is def not his thing as the idea of him physically feeling another mans erection makes him go queasy. But I have thought about it and I notice he gets on with my gay male friends better than some of his own straight friends and I have wondered. A long answer to your Q but my instinct is always no he really isn't, but I've honestly thought, and a lot since we stopped having sex, that he could be, but then I think, no he wouldn't have married me, I'm sure he wouldn't have, it's the 21st century, but the fact you asked ... it is possible, and I wonder if that's at the heart of all his issues, but then I always come back to 'no, he is the most honest person I know and I believe he would tell me if he were'.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

So @JessicaA I agree with the other posters so I won't repeat what they've said

Instead I think you should try another tact. Assume that he wants to please you but believes he can't so is avoidant because it is hugely emasculating. May not be the case, but let's operate on that assumption.

If so, maybe he needs your help to be safe where he believes he's failing as a husband.

Get dressed up in something sexy, get cleaned up and smelling pretty, and screw on a happy, stress-free expression. Don't let any concerns bout this show. Hop into bed with a vibrator and invite him to play. You control the vibrator and tell him you want his touch and caress and warm body next to you. Tell him you want his kisses. Just continue on and have an o and snuggle him. Let him know you are easy to please and you don't need an erection for him to please you and you to please him

Many men cannot achieve erections after radical prostate surgery and their marriages spiral down in shame and resentment. Instead,a great sex life is possible if you remove expectations of PIV. Sex is so much more 

It may take 2 or3 sessions like this for him to understand that yu will have a fulfilling sex life and he's the only one standing in the way of participating.

Maybe also just say you know guys can orgasm without an erection too 

I suppose this approach isn't taken too often because the w has to lead, fake it a bit, and be courageous to go out on a tightrope without a net. But I think it's at least 50/50 chance of working 


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

JessicaA said:


> Answering honestly .... it is something I've thought, he has a work mate for example who he speaks to every single day! Occasionally we go to this mates house just because we've had to pick or drop something off and he rings him to check he got back ok?! Which is just weird. I've even made jokes about it, that they spend more time on the phone than he and I ever have or would. He would never tell me the details but I know he was abused when he was younger, I don't know the details but I do know that his cousin used to get him and maybe others to show him their genitals, I think it wasn't just boys. My sense is it was a kind of show and tell and nothing physical happened but it was more than show and tell as the abuser was a young ish man (maybe 15 or 16) and the kids (other cousins) were at least 10years younger. I'm not equating abuse with homosexuality by the way, just that I know that because the abuser was male this is worse for him. I also know he was bullied at school 'for being gay' which stemmed from a non event being made into nasty school time bullying, he has never had a relationship with a man and I know he would tell me if he had, I know that. I know what porn he likes and it's most definitely women and most definitely not men, like the idea of say two men penetrating (sorry I am not intending to be so graphic) a woman is def not his thing as the idea of him physically feeling another mans erection makes him go queasy. But I have thought about it and I notice he gets on with my gay male friends better than some of his own straight friends and I have wondered. A long answer to your Q but my instinct is always no he really isn't, but I've honestly thought, and a lot since we stopped having sex, that he could be, but then I think, no he wouldn't have married me, I'm sure he wouldn't have, it's the 21st century, but the fact you asked ... it is possible, and I wonder if that's at the heart of all his issues, but then I always come back to 'no, he is the most honest person I know and I believe he would tell me if he were'.


He may not know it yet. I married a lesbian, so, it's not always clean cut like that. You definitely have some red flags there. Don't dismiss them...


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Btw don't know if it came through clearly but I expect he may not participate at first because he feels awkward but seeing you enjoying sexual pleasure without him is important . You should move forward alone if he doesn't participate. It shows that he doesn't control if you have a sex life - he only controls if he's a part of it.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## JessicaA (May 8, 2017)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Btw don't know if it came through clearly but I expect he may not participate at first because he feels awkward but seeing you enjoying sexual pleasure without him is important . You should move forward alone if he doesn't participate. It shows that he doesn't control if you have a sex life - he only controls if he's a part of it.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Thank you, I like your last point that it's not about him having to be the one that gives pleasure. As an aside, I've been on tumblr for years, before we met, for one reason only which is I like erotica, genuinely, it's artistic etc. Anyway I've never really mentioned it but it wasn't a secret and a few months ago I was getting notifications on my phone and he saw them, I explained why I used it - which was to look at sexy pics, I like sexy tattoo pics, I like erotica, I like art - but that now I also looked because it was a connection to my sexuality, I'd save pics that reminded me of how our sex life was, that it connected me with him and us sexually but that I also like sex, it's not wrong, I told him 'I still touch myself, I'm still feeling sexual even though you're not with me in the way you were where I would tell you my thoughts'. My point being, I hoped he'd ask to see some of the stuff I'd 'liked', which in the past is exactly what we both did, but he didn't, never mentioned it since, it's like he knows I masturbate and why I might so much more than before but we won't talk about it. I sometimes feel like a 1950s housewife doing the unspeakable.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

You are reporting what your husband has told you his doctors have told him.

Did you see a note from the doctor in writing?

You need to go to every doctor appointment with your husband. You need to voice your needs to the doctor, and listen to the doctor yourself.

My wife goes to all my appointments. I suffer cluster migraines and soaring blood pressure. I have to take medications daily for both, and because of that my wife wants me to take Cialis. Mary goes with me to every doctor appointment. She was there to get it started, and have the prescription dosages adjusted to what we wanted. It is a joint effort for both of us.

When I tease Mary that she just wants to keep me alive to keep me making money for her she just laughs and says no way, the Cialis is proof she wants me for a lot more than that!


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## JessicaA (May 8, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> You are reporting what your husband has told you his doctors have told him.
> 
> Did you see a note from the doctor in writing?
> 
> ...


You're right, I am going off what he tells me about the doctor but no I've not seen his medical records. I think I've probably avoided asking to go because that's what I would do at work and I don't want to impose myself as his advocate. I guess I fear that because it's what I do for a living, I risk taking his control away, he can be his own voice. He has a skin thing, some kind of allergy that no one can work out what it is and I demanded to go to his next appt, if he wasn't being listened to then I'll make the doctor listen, that's what i do for a living and I'm good at it. He did not want me too, for the very reason I had avoided, I was imposing my way of dealing with something on him and he was clear I would not be his advocate, I can be his support but he defends / represents himself - if that makes sense? But this is different, this is about us, I've thought of making an appt purely to talk about him but I don't cos I fear I'm going behind his back. But I need to recognise this is 'our' health issue not just his.


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## JessicaA (May 8, 2017)

cc48kel said:


> I feel for you... Been married for 20 years and mostly sexless.. I cheated years ago but wished I was brave enough to divorce instead. But here I am scanning the forum for answers. I thought in the beginning 'things' would get better but it never did.. You buy a house, have kids and the list goes on and then it's impossible for intimacy. Yes, lots of resentment too...


I hate the resentment. I resent feeling resentment! :-/


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Only you can make yourself happy. You can't make your husband want to bone you every morning and night, which does suck for you. But you can tell him how miserable you are and if things don't improve by 12/1/2017, you are splitting up everything 50/50 and divorcing him. You get to call the shots and get to make sure you are happy 12 months from now. Get started. There is no such thing as soul mates. Life is short, don't waste with a person that sucks the will to live out of you. I've been there, it's a miserable place.


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## JessicaA (May 8, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> Only you can make yourself happy. You can't make your husband want to bone you every morning and night, which does suck for you. But you can tell him how miserable you are and if things don't improve by 12/1/2017, you are splitting up everything 50/50 and divorcing him. You get to call the shots and get to make sure you are happy 12 months from now. Get started. There is no such thing as soul mates. Life is short, don't waste with a person that sucks the will to live out of you. I've been there, it's a miserable place.


You're so right. When I think about how I've changed and become the me I like, it's because I took control, if something isn't working then I reflect and I change that. For example, I told my husband we weren't living together until we got married, I'm not an experiment, I have been a mans experiement ie I have lived with men on the basis they'd 'decide' (much more subtle than that but clear with hindsight) if I was suitable enough for marriage. In my previous relationship that ended horrifically, and he had an affair, I told myself I would give him 6months to 'come back' to me, that if he could beg my forgiveness I would forgive, something I said I'd never forgive. Anyway 12 months passed and he wanted me back, he'd realised his mistake but I said no, I almost said you've missed the deadline! And yet I've been giving myself these deadlines in my marriage on this issue and I'm not following them, and the more I don't the more I sink into unhappiness and 'this cannot be my life forever surely?' So thank you.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

JessicaA said:


> Thank you! Yes you're right, I do need to do this, I am genuinely trying not to make this about his problem, I recognise that's not helpful. And I honestly don't think he's embarrassed to discuss it, he's just not engaged with a solution at all. His dad wrote to him a few weeks ago and I read the letter (with his permission obviously) and at the end it said very randomly 'think about asking the doctor for viagra' and I was shocked, I asked him how on earth this had come up in conversation (he's not close to his parents) and he was so vague about it, said he think he mentioned it ages ago (think?! Clearly the conversation happened!) but I couldn't believe he'd told his dad this was an issue and yet when I try to discuss it, he's almost silent, if he'd told a friend or colleague I would have thought nothing of it, I want him to speak to his friends about it cos I think they'd tell him what the replies are saying AND I think he'd hear that, particularly from a man who naturally could empathise more, but his dad?? Who he probably speaks to once a year when he goes home and even then it's obvious he finds the conversation difficult and infuriating, but he told him the most personal thing and is then completely vague with me when I ask about it ...


There is definitely a communication issue here. In a healthy relationship, you and your spouse should feel safe talking with one another about anything and everything. He's clearly willing to talk to his dad about your sex life, but he's not willing to have a real conversation with his WIFE, his SEXUAL PARTNER, about their sex life? This is very, very wrong... the two of you should be able to have an open dialogue about your sex life. He's clearly making that impossible. 



JessicaA said:


> You're right, I am going off what he tells me about the doctor but no I've not seen his medical records. I think I've probably avoided asking to go because that's what I would do at work and I don't want to impose myself as his advocate. I guess I fear that because it's what I do for a living, I risk taking his control away, he can be his own voice. He has a skin thing, some kind of allergy that no one can work out what it is and I demanded to go to his next appt, if he wasn't being listened to then I'll make the doctor listen, that's what i do for a living and I'm good at it. He did not want me too, for the very reason I had avoided, I was imposing my way of dealing with something on him and he was clear I would not be his advocate, I can be his support but he defends / represents himself - if that makes sense? But this is different, this is about us, *I've thought of making an appt purely to talk about him but I don't cos I fear I'm going behind his back.* But I need to recognise this is 'our' health issue not just his.


This may be a futile effort--there's something called doctor-patient confidentiality, and the doctor may not be willing or able to talk to you about your husband's situation without hour husband's explicit consent.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Hence the need to be at his appointment.

But as you observed, this is your mutual issue. It is something which must be solved for your mutual benefit. You do have a huge stake in this, and so you are there as your own advocate. Your husband's well being, and sexual health, is your business to take care of and be a part of.

Please don't just sit back and hope he does the right thing at his appointments, taking his word for it that he spoke to his doctors about the right issues and properly presented your needs. While trusting in your husband is good, I think that's taking it too far.

I am trustworthy, I like to think, but I welcome my wife's presence to speak on my behalf for our mutual well being. Personally I think any man who feels his wife doing so is some kind of imposition is not really caring about his wife so much as his own ego.


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## JessicaA (May 8, 2017)

Most definitely we have a communication issue, half of what I've said to him about this has been under the influence of wine, I've needed the confidence. I never know when is the right time to talk about it, when we're having a good weekend? I wane from talking about it to avoidance for weeks.


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## JessicaA (May 8, 2017)

I do agree with you. Maybe in me blaming him for not addressing it is also a mix of my own self anger, like I've allowed it to get this bad. I'm blaming him for not making the Dr properly aware instead of querying it further.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I wish you luck. It is good to communicate here, I think, to have better clarity on what you may need to do.

I like to think I am easy to communicate with, but my wife finds it nearly impossible to communicate with me. She learned to simply never talk about anything important. I like silly nonsense and comedy, and she is superb at that. But she can't bring herself to speak her mind. She is always afraid. Afraid, and more afraid.

We have been married for 43 years. She was a child for only a few years. But she is still afraid. Just yesterday we read something on here that reminded her of something. Sometimes I can only hold her and cry a little over that. 

Sometimes it is the person doing the talking who needs the courage more than anything to do with the person they are talking to.

Please be well.


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## JessicaA (May 8, 2017)

Thank you. I am sorry that your wife finds talking to you so hard, being open is so difficult. I can relate, im great at thinking but not so great in saying what I'm feeling, it has taken a huge amount of courage to raise this with my husband in an adult way i.e. Not a frightened little girl. And I really need him to engage with me on it, I accept I've not been totally adult about it, threatening him with an affair (which is what I'm doing I see that) but I have been able to do the true open honest calm approach and to get nothing back is difficult and makes me stop seeing the issue from his perspective. Thank you for your perspective and honesty - and challenging my own mind set.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I thank you for coming here to speak with us.

Years ago I stopped every wondering about my wife being so quiet. She is wonderful the way she is, and if she were different perhaps I wouldn't love her so much. She helped me find that revelation.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its nice to think of sexual attraction as romance / love, but there is an important chemical / hormone component as well. Mess us someones hormones and they can simply lose all interest in sex - it can cease to be important to them. 

I think the first step is to get him on different meds, or see if he can get off them completely. Depression is bad, but the side effects may ruin his marriage, his life. 

How bad was his depression? Was he suicidal, or just unhappy.

There could be other problems, the OP said that his sex drive was declining before he started the anti-depressants, but fixing those first may still be the best initial approach. They may be keeping him from feeling attraction.


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## JessicaA (May 8, 2017)

I agree that the issues go back to before the meds and that the meds have simply cut off a dwindling desire. I guess I'm ultimately scared that our sex life is over and then our marriage, I want this to be solveable. As for how depressed he was, not suicidal no, struggling to concentrate, anxiety, low mood, increased anger, lower tolerance to social activity, he reports feeling better but I really don't see he's different. Maybe he's calmer and happier, but I can't see for looking anymore ...


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