# My [26F] open marriage with my husband [29M] is broken because of his partner [23F]



## temperaturewoman (Jun 8, 2017)

I'm really desperate for advice or help and want honest answers. If my marriage is salvageable, I'll fight tooth and nail to fix it but if it's not please just let know. The background is that I wanted an open relationship with my husband [married in 2014]. I pushed the idea because some of my friends had open relationships with their boyfriends and the idea really made sense at the time. He did not want an open marriage at first but I really thought it would be a good thing in our marriage since we weren't going to have kids for until next year. I would not be sexually active because I really get too emotionally connected but he would be able to as long as they were clean from STDs.

Basically, the marriage is so stale now and broken and I don't know what to do. We really loved each other a lot but it's so stale now. I get little to no attention anymore and I work part-time at a vet clinic as a favor for a friend so there's no reason he can't give me time. All he does is spend his time with her and he's already busy with his work. I got put in the backseat and he's not affectionate anymore and we don't go to bed anymore together even when she's not here. He's a jerk with his time and acts like I'm a roommate he has to be polite to. His partner basically moved a lot of her stuff in our home and spends most of the day here when he's home from work or she drops by to do stuff now. She's not mean to me at all and I always just left them alone when she was here and basically the marriage has been rotting since around 9 months ago when they met. I have not talked to my husband yet about this but it's spun out of my comfort zone and I don't want an open marriage anymore.

His partner's name is Belle and almost a week ago she left her phone on and I decided to look through texts to see what her and my husband were talking about. I screenshotted and emailed to myself texts she sent to her friend and deleted the email/screenshots on her phone. My husband's conservations were deleted on her phone and the other contacts were just regular messages so this is all the viewing I have into their relationship other than what I see when she's here. I'm posting the text and there is no personal information on them. Please let me know if I should show my husband these texts and ask for the marriage to be closed again so we can fix and rekindle our relationship or if I should just give up or whatever I need to do. They are all in order and not that long to read. I'm willing to do therapy or anything to get my life back together and appreciate the help. The texts are in order and some continue on the next one so please read them and help me. A lot of people are saying on the internet that sometimes when women let their husbands be in open relationships that the men can sometimes feel like they "pushed them away" and another woman basically takes them in. If that's the case, maybe my husband feels like I did that especially since he didn't want one? Please let me know what I should do. I want to take steps immediately back to a regular and happy marriage. The fact that she thinks that I asked for my marriage to be broken like this really bothers the crap out of me.


Texts:

https://ibb.co/gkuBav

https://ibb.co/dBRJNa

https://ibb.co/jFssha

https://ibb.co/drOb8F

https://ibb.co/ma7gav

https://ibb.co/khsEvv

https://ibb.co/mudnFv

tl;dr My husband is spending all his energy and time on his partner since we have an open marriage, with only him sexually active. He ignores me and our marriage is just so stale now when it used to be really loving and fun. She's moving a lot of her things in the house now and I screenshotted conversations her texts she sent to her friend and don't know what to do and if I should even bother saving the marriage anymore. I really want this to work out and do not want to have our marriage open anymore but I don't even know if a) I can save it or b) He wants to save it.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Well, you shot yourself in the foot, that much is certain. If you want to win him back, you need to start having sex with him again. The single most important emotional need that most men have is sex. So if you're pushing him away, while she's giving it to him in spades, you don't stand a chance.

I'm hardly an expert on open marriages, or closing them once they've been opened. But from where I sit, all you can do is tell your husband that you want him back, and hope it's not too late.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

It's a first I'm speechless.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

You allowed your husband to **** other women and now you are complaining? Seriously. Why did you get married? You are involved in a big happy orgy with legal ramifications. Grow up.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

sokillme said:


> It's a first I'm speechless.


Um...........yea, me also.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Wow, what where you thinking. 

Your girl friends were doing this with there boyfriends so you though " hey I want my husband to sleep with other women ".

What did you get out of that?

Maybe to late to fix anything.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

If this is even remotely real @temperaturewoman then I think your goose is cooked

I can not for the life of me understand why you pushed him into an open relationship. Most (literally all) guys I know would interpret that as you saying you don't really love him and are just interested in sleeping around.

I suspect that's what he heard and therefore, since he appears to be a monogamous guy, realized he would have to find a new woman to be monogamous with

If this is real and if you actually love him then your only option is to kick her out


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Do women actually use terms like "he's so alpha.." and "bust a nut" and "balls empty" when they talk to each other?

This sounds more like a teenage boy who's read too much PUA material and is dreaming that chicks are talking about him in that manner.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

sokillme said:


> It's a first I'm speechless.





rockon said:


> Um...........yea, me also.


LOL... really?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

This is why an open marriage is a terrible idea. No point getting married if you are not going to be faithful. Sorry, but you bought this on yourself.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

I wouldn't show them to your husband, but it is time for you both to sit down and have a long talk about where your marriage is at and where (if anywhere) you want it to be. It does not sound good for you - but you will know better if the marriage is salvageable after the talk. Good Luck!


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I have no clue why you got married. 

I can never pretend that I could understand open marriages. 
I don't share my husband, toothbrushes or napkins. Just YUCK!

You should divorce him, and if you don't like sex, never get married again unless it is to a man that doesn't like sex either. 
Normally, I feel compassion for people who are hurting within their marriages. You orchestrated the whole thing against yourself and are now stuck with the consequences.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Ok.

I'll bite.

Please explain why you thought an open marriage was the thing to do just because your friends were doing it


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You never had a regular and happy marriage.You need to be careful with the drugs you use at the vets,they aren't for human consumption and can cause hallucinations and bad spelling, conservationally anyway.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I cannot beleive you would push your H into the arms of another woman even when he was against it in the first place, what did you think would happen?

Time to confront your H and tell him its time you both got a divorce. Go see a lawyer and let her have him, there is no going back from this one. YOu obviously didn't have any boundaries set out as to how he would engage with her and now he is emotionally attached to her, you did that.

A lawyer will tell you where you stand. Proceed with divorce and next time see the value in your man and don't push him into the arms of another woman.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

You need to put your foot down and demand immediate closure.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Balls empty, belly full, ha ha ha.

I love it when school is out.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

No doubt your relationship wasn't strong enough to begin with (at least on his side) to keep it a priority when you opened things up. There is also something called NRE - new relationship energy - which is when the infatuation of a new love relationship results in it getting priority. Usually, this wears off after a few months, or may last up to a year. People in poly relationships know about this, and learn ways to work through this. I suspect that you did not do much research on open and poly relationships, so don't know how to handle and prepare for the possible pitfalls. If you want to save yours, you probably need a crash course in non-monogamous relationships - I'd recommend books such as "More Than Two" and "opening up." Then, you need to have a very serious talk with your husband, and figure out how to deal with this situation. It may not be fixable at this point, though, but until you've tried, you can't know. He has to want to fix it, or come to realize soon that he does. If not, then the best thing would be to end it as quickly and cleanly as possible.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

Yeah...marriage over. He's in love with her honey. U put yourself on the back burner and he fell for her head over heels. I'm sorry but that was a really bad decision.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Your marriage is over. He is in love with her. 

Go ahead and talk with him....he is not going to give her up. She treasures him in way you forgot to.

This is why you don't open your marriage. You didn't respect your marriage enough and threw it away because you wanted to be cool. You reap what you sow.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

Decorum said:


> I love it when school is out.



:smthumbup:


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## jetzon (Mar 16, 2015)

you might as well get divorced and start over , you have learned a valuable lesson here !


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Speaking as a moderator:

It is not okay to overtly or covertly suggest somebody is a troll. It is expressly prohibited in the forum rules.

If you suspect somebody is a troll, use the report button. 

@temperaturewoman, you have posted once and have not responded to other posters questions. 

If you do not post again by the end of today, I'm going to assume you have your answer and will close the thread.


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

OK, when are you going to chime in and sing - APRIL FOOL'S?!

(This is suggesting she's a troll, I suppose. I don't see a way to delete. If this is a serious post, there must be a huge generational gap and I apologize for my insensitivity.)


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

You wanted an open marriage because your friends had them?? 
So just hook up with one of your male friends in another open marriage. 
Might as well get some fun for yourself instead of being miserable. 

You reap what you sow. That's life. No point in wallowing. Own your choice and move on. That's what your so called husband is doing, follow his lead and get a lover for yourself. 

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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Holy, I don't even know where to start. I... wow. Umm, I think this marriage might not be salvageable at this point, and I think that you're the one who undid it, OP. Balls empty, belly full? You're sure she's 23, and maybe from somewhere with bars for walls? Who says stuff like that?!?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Ursula said:


> Holy, I don't even know where to start. I... wow. Umm, I think this marriage might not be salvageable at this point, and I think that you're the one who undid it, OP. Balls empty, belly full? You're sure she's 23, and maybe from somewhere with bars for walls? Who says stuff like that?!?


:surprise::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

This was my reaction as well.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Married but Happy said:


> No doubt your relationship wasn't strong enough to begin with (at least on his side) to keep it a priority when you opened things up. There is also something called NRE - new relationship energy - which is when the infatuation of a new love relationship results in it getting priority. Usually, this wears off after a few months, or may last up to a year. People in poly relationships know about this, and learn ways to work through this. I suspect that you did not do much research on open and poly relationships, so don't know how to handle and prepare for the possible pitfalls. If you want to save yours, you probably need a crash course in non-monogamous relationships - I'd recommend books such as "More Than Two" and "opening up." Then, you need to have a very serious talk with your husband, and figure out how to deal with this situation. It may not be fixable at this point, though, but until you've tried, you can't know. He has to want to fix it, or come to realize soon that he does. If not, then the best thing would be to end it as quickly and cleanly as possible.


:iagree:

This, and I would also recommend you visit a forum dedicated to polyamory. Google the words "polyamory" and "forum". You will find an excellent forum full of people who will give you non-judgemental advice. 

Why did you decide to open your marriage? I am curious about that as well. It is not an irrelivent question. In order for any relationship to work, you have to get your needs met. It doesn't sound like you or your husband are meeting any of each other's needs.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lets just get this out there. Forcing your spouse to open your marriage is cheating or maybe even worse, but whatever it is at the very least it's cruel. And I and a whole lot of other people are going to judge the hell out of that. That has nothing to do with polyamory. Actually I would much rather people who were into that were open about it because then those people could find and have relationships with each-other and not hide it or force it on others and in the end cheat. Though there is the problem of bringing Children into that lifestyle which is a whole other can of worms. Anyway nuff said.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

This marriage is toast. See a lawyer, file for divorce. More often than not, open marriage, hotwifing, and cuckoldry are a glide path to divorce. Sorry for you. Happy for them, I guess.


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