# Reconciling but worried



## Hank1970

Hi. My husband and I seperated 16 months ago. It was our second seperation (both instigated by myself) and we have 3 children between 3-10 yrs. We had been together for 18 years/ married 12 with many issues that couples seem to have. There was no infidelity on either side.
First time we seperated was for six months and then we went back together for 5 months before separating 16 months ago. There was always a lot of tension between us but I genuinely believed I was ready to get on with my life.
10 days ago he rang me to say he was dating someone for 4 weeks but wanted to tell me before one of his mates wives did. I initially was shocked but thought I was okay with it. I wished him the best but by next day was very angry as felt he was not pulling his weight with the three children ( as backed by my inlaws) and this would get less with a new partner. I sent him a barrage of nasty messages for a day or so then tried to do some reflection as to why it was hurting so much. I thought maybe it was the marriage I was mourning and not actually him....

.Anyway I calmed down and sent him an extremely detailed email on why I thought I was feeling the way I was and opened up perhaps completely in our time together. He said he was sad and sorry for what could have been had he known some of the things before...I asked him if he would consider dating again. Where we would start from the basics ie movies, meal, drive etc.It would be kept quiet as didn't want our kids to find out and get false hope. We would have these parallel lives where we kept to our existing programme with co parenting etc but not show any sign of anything more ie touching etc. Then we would have our date night once a week where we just tried to get to know each other again and it was strictly no talking about kids or day to day stuff. We would have no time limits on it and just see where it would take us. And if we both felt there was a chance we could come back together as a family then we would. 

He said he would definitely consider it so we organised a date night ( only person who knows is his mother who is the babysitter and we are both extremely close to). I told him that I would only do it if no third party involved. He agreed and said he would not see this girl or anyone else. 
4 days later we confirmed details for the date night later this week and I asked him if he had told this girl what he was doing or was he telling her a story why he couldn't see her physically but still messaging, calling etc in case it didn't work with us. He admitted he was committed to our dating process but hadn't told her what he was doing as she would end it with him and that if it didn't work out with our relationship that he wanted to go back to her........very confused about what I should do. 
I would appreciate any advice thank you.


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## EleGirl

Hank1970 said:


> .Anyway I calmed down and sent him an extremely detailed email on why I thought I was feeling the way I was and opened up perhaps completely in our time together. *He said he was sad and sorry for what could have been had he known some of the things before*...I asked him if he would consider dating again. Where we would start from the basics ie movies, meal, drive etc.It would be kept quiet as didn't want our kids to find out and get false hope. We would have these parallel lives where we kept to our existing programme with co parenting etc but not show any sign of anything more ie touching etc. Then we would have our date night once a week where we just tried to get to know each other again and it was strictly no talking about kids or day to day stuff. We would have no time limits on it and just see where it would take us. And if we both felt there was a chance we could come back together as a family then we would.


What were these things?

Why didn't you tell him these things before?


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## ladymisato

Hank1970 said:


> Hi. My husband and I seperated 16 months ago. It was our second seperation (both instigated by myself)


What caused you to instigate two separations?


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## Hank1970

The things weren't anything he didn't know. I'm a strong, independent person who has trouble showing my true feelings when things happen such as a termination I had to have for medical reasons, our daughter and middle son have some issues such as pain syndrome and a learning disorder. I've always been the one who just gets on with things. I also felt he didn't try hard enough to be supportive both emotionally and physically.


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## Hank1970

I instigated the first separation as I felt he wasn't helping me as a partner should. I wanted him to contribute more to helping with the kids, house etc and he just worked longer and would want to sleep/ read most of the other time. I would get more critical and frustrated and he would withdraw more. I asked him to go to counselling with my therapist ( who I had been seeing since having depression with my third child). 
At the first counselling session he said he didn't want to continue our marriage so we separated. I worked on some of my issues and pushed for the reconciliation. He had been diagnosed as needing a hip replacement during the break so thought maybe his previous behaviour was due to chronic pain.
After six months I found that he was still not pulling his weight with the house and kids so said let's end it. We both new it would be tough financially etc but we were both unhappy.
I know it seems a case of one person needing lots of love and praise and physical intimacy and myself judging his love for me by what he physically did around the house etc. I nagged him, he withdrew and neither of us felt we were getting what we needed.


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## Stretch

I think you should understand that it is highly unlikely that he will change the things you want to make your relationship work.

He has failed twice. Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer but you know what you want and he is unwilling to give it.

Stretch


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## Vyking

Hank1970 said:


> I asked him if he had told this girl what he was doing or was he telling her a story why he couldn't see her physically but still messaging, calling etc in case it didn't work with us.* He admitted he was committed to our dating process but hadn't told her what he was doing as she would end it with him and that if it didn't work out with our relationship that he wanted to go back to her........*


I think he want's to have his cake and eat it too.
Sorry... but it's either one or the other.


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## Hank1970

Thank you for your advice. He ended his relationship? with this girl ( they only had five dates so not sure how to describe it). Apparently she was angry and told him he was a liar as he told her he had no feelings for his wife and we had moved on. Sadly he seem bewildered by her reaction.
Problem is now the overwhelming desire to reconcile is much less on my behalf. I feel horrible as might have ruined something for him out of pure jealousy. But I also know if we both don't improve our relationship then he will most likely look elsewhere again
I think I know the answer but don't want to face reality.


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## Stretch

Hank,

If it does not work out, you will have no regrets. You tried and it was too broken to fix.

Be strong, you are in control of your own life,
Stretch


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## Dedicated2Her

Hank,

Even if he carried his "weight around the house", you probably still wouldn't be happy. That is not what makes a woman want to be with a man. This issue is deeper. He sounds very "passive" to me.


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