# How can i rid myself of insecurities



## Lonely&frustrated (Jan 27, 2013)

Ok, I'll try to not make this a novel, here goes......I have been married for almost 4 yrs, (2nd husband and LAST!!!) together 6 yrs. It was a rocky beginning, my husband is a recovering alcoholic and i stood by him through all his sh**, i had no clue he was even an alcoholic in the first place, he hid it well until a year after we were together. I've had a hard time dealing with all of this and turned to prescribed pills for depression, which i swear don't do a thing, anyways i seemed to have no self worth anymore. I always check on him and what he's doing, i have lost my trust for him. I get jealous of his family because they seem to get the best of him, his smiles, hugs and love; his affection. While he says he loves me and that im beautiful, he has a hard time showing it. I am always trying to show him how attracted I am to him and try to be flirty with him, and most of the time he just smiles at me. I could stand naked in front of him and tease him and he wont even grab/touch my body, he may want to but rarely does. I have been getting into fights with him over this, he says my expectations of him are too high and that what little of affection he gives me is never enough. I've tried to talk with him and let him know how im feeling and he hears me but does not listen. I don't know how to let him know without him being upset at what i say to him, I wish he could feel my pain for just five minutes, or cry over me, SOMETHING!! We have been to counseling, but as most of you know it seems to only work while we are there. I don't wanna nag him, i just want him to give back what i give him. I want to matter to him, I want him to care. I need some insight....id like to hear from the guys....am i too much?


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Well,has he stopped drinking?If he has, he is classified as an alcoholic for life even if he stops.Sad truth is he loves the booze more than you right now.

You,need to work on yourself first, and realize your worth as a person is not dependent on having his approval.

Start doing things on your own.He might take notice.You only have 4 years invested in him and theres plenty of males who would love a loving beautiful wife.


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## Lonely&frustrated (Jan 27, 2013)

He's been sober for almost 3 years now, we also have a 3 yr old. I love him with all honesty and im just wanting some more affection. I just don't understand men and how they think, i used to until i met my husband!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Lonely&frustrated said:


> While he says he loves me and that im beautiful, he has a hard time showing it.
> 
> I get jealous of his family because they seem to get the best of him, his smiles, hugs and love; his affection.


Okay I'm going to be blunt here. He married you while he was an alcoholic and now he's not. You married someone that he isn't now. This is a common problem when people sober up. They find they are in lives that they wouldn't have chosen sober.

These two sentences are key. You say he has a hard time showing love and yet he does just fine with his family. So I'm calling B.S. on this one.

He give you lots of excuses but none of them are true. Your only option is to focus on yourself and do a hard 180. Right now the more you chase the more he will run. Until you can learn to love yourself it will be almost impossible to fix this.


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## Lonely&frustrated (Jan 27, 2013)

I've tried telling him that I don't think he really loves me but he swears he does, he does show some affection, just not as much as I want. He buys me stuff thinking that's what I want, but I'd rather be broke and have his love and attention. I just wish I could read his heart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Lonely&frustrated said:


> I've tried telling him that I don't think he really loves me but he swears he does, he does show some affection, just not as much as I want. He buys me stuff thinking that's what I want, but I'd rather be broke and have his love and attention. I just wish I could read his heart.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You can just look to his actions. Does he act like a man in love? Does he respond to your affection? Is he broken emotionally and unable to love? Is he scared of you?

Do you appreciate it when he tries to show love his way? Or do you continue to complain?


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## Lonely&frustrated (Jan 27, 2013)

I'm going to really have to sit back and think about those questions, he is away a lot, he contracts overseas. I personally believe in actions, I believe in love, I still get butterflies every once in awhile. He has said that he hid behind the alcohol for so long that he doesn't have a shield/cover if you will, everything is raw and scary. Example: if I was to really get emotional about something and shed some tears, he does not try to comfort me, like he doesn't reach for me or try to hold me, his face does not show concern, which I just may be reading him wrong. I have tried just talking with him and.asking questions which is innocent at first but it generally turns into me.complaining and arguing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Lonely&frustrated said:


> I have tried just talking with him and.asking questions which is innocent at first but it generally turns into me.complaining and arguing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hard to show love to someone when they are complaining and arguing with you.

Experience: Did this for years before I got a clue. Wasn't a quick fix though. Took about 2 years before my husband trusted that I was done complaining and arguing. NOW he shows love freely, easily and is VERY affectionate.


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

What about the husband that tells u to nag him yet when u do u feel bad? I hate being a nag so when he doesn't respond I will just up and do it myself then he complains he don't feel needed. hello I told u once why do I have to tell u again and again it's even on the "To do" list on the ref.. Now what?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Update: my husband is seeking counseling to deal with his side of this. I've changed but he still struggles with responding to me as if I were the old me. It's going to take professional help to get him over this. I can't do it alone. I've been as nice as I can for years and he still fears me turning into that angry wife again.

He's much more loving and affectionate than he used to be however I still feel that he holds back out of fear. He agrees and acknowledges that I've changed he's just a bit stuck that's all.


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## SevenEight (Feb 6, 2013)

I'm sorry for what you are dealing with.

All I can say is that you sound like you are trying very hard to be an affectionate loving wife, and he may be taking you for granted.

I'm in a situation at the moment where my wife used to be like that towards me, and I later realized that I didn't give enough back. A little over two weeks ago I found out she has been cheating. Now we are getting a divorce. I wanted to reconcile more than her, and it hurts beyond words to be losing the love of my life in this way. My life really sucks right now and I hope you guys can at least make respectful loving efforts to figure things out. Please don't do what she did to me (you don't seem like you would be that type of person). I wish so much that she had reached out to me and made it clear to me that I was losing her before things got so bad.

I truly hope for the best for you.


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## Lonely&frustrated (Jan 27, 2013)

I will never cheat, ive just come to the conclusion that he's shy, a different man now that he's sober, i know he loves me and ill take from him what i need. If i need a hug i'll give him one, if i need a kiss i'll give him one, if i want more then i'll rape him if he's not willing


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## Ellie5 (Mar 12, 2013)

L&F, just read your thread here.

Whilst am going through the mire of a marriage in tatters, I will say that being independent and busy, not so "needy" towards him might sit him upright and make him take notice a bit more. 

Are you the person he met is the question to ask? ok things are different now but try to be the fun loving gal you might have been when you met.

Much of the time I used to argue with H and wonder why he's changed a lot, I realize I'm not always the same person either. Be the person you want him to be...sounds like you're doing that in your last post...


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## MarieZ (Mar 23, 2013)

Lonely&frustrated said:


> Ok, I'll try to not make this a novel, here goes......I have been married for almost 4 yrs, (2nd husband and LAST!!!) together 6 yrs. It was a rocky beginning, my husband is a recovering alcoholic and i stood by him through all his sh**, i had no clue he was even an alcoholic in the first place, he hid it well until a year after we were together. I've had a hard time dealing with all of this and turned to prescribed pills for depression, which i swear don't do a thing, anyways i seemed to have no self worth anymore. I always check on him and what he's doing, i have lost my trust for him. I get jealous of his family because they seem to get the best of him, his smiles, hugs and love; his affection. While he says he loves me and that im beautiful, he has a hard time showing it. I am always trying to show him how attracted I am to him and try to be flirty with him, and most of the time he just smiles at me. I could stand naked in front of him and tease him and he wont even grab/touch my body, he may want to but rarely does. I have been getting into fights with him over this, he says my expectations of him are too high and that what little of affection he gives me is never enough. I've tried to talk with him and let him know how im feeling and he hears me but does not listen. I don't know how to let him know without him being upset at what i say to him, I wish he could feel my pain for just five minutes, or cry over me, SOMETHING!! We have been to counseling, but as most of you know it seems to only work while we are there. I don't wanna nag him, i just want him to give back what i give him. I want to matter to him, I want him to care. I need some insight....id like to hear from the guys....am i too much?



This sounds like a lot of what I go through except my man is not an alcoholic. Just dense! LOL

Men's brains are wired so differently than ours. It is amazing to me sometimes that we manage to get together!

When I want affection I wish he could just read my mind and reach out to me but of course that is not reality. Then when I have to hint it takes all the romance out of it. Like a vicious circle.

He loves sex but I like the hugging and affection. Putting his arm around me like he means it and not like some limp rag to just shut me up. It is frustrating.

We have talked about it but it never changes. I would like him to seek me out, be a bit more aggressive and he says he will but he never does.

When we first met it was all flowers and sunshine and when he got me it dimmed pretty quickly. 

I am glad you are getting help. It seems things are improving for you. 

I also get a bit peeved when he is with family. It is like he saves all his touches for them and is stingy with me. Then I resent his family and I hate feeling like that.

We know they love us but sometimes those extra little touches make all the difference.


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## Lonely&frustrated (Jan 27, 2013)

*Re: How can i rid myself of insecurities...updated*

This is an update to my original post. I'll share what's new and im sorry if ive repeated any information, im just so confused and hurt and dont know what to do.
My husband works overseas, he's gone for 63 days and then home for 33. When he comes home he has a long layover (5-7 hours) in one of the richest, sleezy countries..Dubai. I have been thinking for the past year something has been going on, it could be just coincidences but i have no way to prove him right or wrong at this point. So i'll give you my "clues" and you tell me if i'm over-reacting or not.
On his way back home from overseas he wanted to bring some travel money with him, no problem, we all want some cash for just in case, but he pulled $350, who needs that much when all his meals are included in flight and he has everything he needs!! 
When he was in Dubai i had called him and he seemed very distracted as if he was looking/trying to talk to someone else. 

When he came home last i was looking at family pictures on his computer and noticed a couple of pics of girls, they weren't ones that were of good quality and appeared to be taken from cell phones. He said he has no idea who they are or how they got there. I know we can all get downloads from clicking stuff but c'mon!! His affection is very little to me when he's home, he's not mean but would rather watch tv then have me kiss and make out per say. So now that im a little concerned about what he's doing i start digging. I went on website after website to see if there are any local hookup/meeting places. I came across craigslist in Dubai and start going through the personals. There was this picture that came across that immediately stopped me dead in my tracks, it was a picture of a naked woman and man posing on a bed, they were facing each other but there faces were not shown. The reason it caught my eye is because it looks like my husbands body to the T. I mean like id be willing to bet my life on it. I'm not talking about similarities, im talking about every inch of detail was my husbands. i sent him the picture and he denied it saying that was not him, that he's never cheated and he's in love with me. Then in the next paragraph he says he's saddened by me thinking he would do something like that and that he's not apologizing for something he didn't do. He's never really given me any indication that he would cheat, but i can't get this damn picture out of my head, im sickened at the thought and i don't know what to do...please help!!!!!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Start a new thread in the infidelity forum. You'll get more help there on how to proceed.

I'm sorry.


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