# Infidelity, Porn, and 20 years together



## LovingMother (Jan 6, 2010)

I'll try to be brief: Married 19 years, kids 14 and 12. Four years ago I discovered online pornography chats and emails and found he'd been having a six month affair with a married mother of two young kids. After confrontation, we sought counseling. He said he was sorry and would refocus his energy on us. I said I'd expect some changes or else consider divorce.

He was laid off three years ago and working part time ever since. Finances are in shambles. I earn a good salary but can't afford our depts.

Yesterday I discovered a second cell phone he is using for "text sex" (exchanging nude photos, etc.) and setting up rendevous with both men and women to meet for casual sex. (Hope it's safe sex!) 

I'm at the "no longer care" point and feel myself wanting a divorce. But don't want to give up the good family times - sounds silly, but the four of us really have fun vacations! :-(

My daughter all but hates him and urges me to divorce him, but my son is very naive of the situation and would have trouble adjusting to such a transition.

I don't know how I feel about him - is divorce defeat or am I stupid to put up with this? Right now, I'm very sad... 

I need some anonymous perspective since our troubles are not something I can discuss with family.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Sorry you are going through this. I know how hard it is. At this point you probably need to accept that he has an ADDICTION. I've learned a lot (& more than I ever wanted to know) in the past couple of years. If he is now "living" the porn, it is a serious addiction. He is probably throwing way too much money into this lifestyle too. Will he consider counseling? Or are you to the point that you don't even want him even touching you?


----------



## LovingMother (Jan 6, 2010)

Thanks for your kind words. He has been seeing the same therapist for many years. I doubt he is honest with him. When I inquire about sessions he says he mostly discusses his problems at work. Our family counselor (four years ago) suggested he discuss his addiction (and OCD tendancies) with his therapist, but I haven't seen any indication that he has. His efforts toward anything positive seem careless to me and I no longer have the energy to prod him along.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

i think his behavior is endangering your health. and who knows how reckless he is being or what kind of people will now know where you live. 

I dont think you are stupid for wanting to work it out, but i do think you should consider your health in all of this. I dont think i could be around my H if i knew he was doing that kind of stuff.


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Gosh wow. You're considering not divorcing him just for the sake of family vacations? Trying to be kind here, but that's just kind of a bit nutty isn't it? I've heard of staying together for the children, but not for the vacations. 

First step is to both head to your family doctor to get STD tested. After that I'd just recommend starting up the divorce process. He clearly not only has not learned from the first affair, he's gotten much worse.


----------



## LovingMother (Jan 6, 2010)

Ha! I know I sound nutty, but our good times are "for the children." Mainly, I wonder if life after a divorce will be an improvement over our current situation. What are the pros and cons of divorce?

Anyway, I quit being intimate with him months ago and I have no proof that he's had physical sex with anyone besides the nutcase four years ago (though I am thinking of seeking proof in case of divorce). I know he's making arrangements to meet men but have no proof of follow through. Should I confront him? He'd deny it. I'd have to find out covertly (how demeaning).

I'm just so sick of feeling stuck and so angry at him for putting me and the kids in this situation.

Thanks for reading.


----------



## helpmeunderstand (Dec 22, 2009)

I too am going through a difficult time in my marriage with my W, but I will share something with you that may help. Read the book "the proper care and feeding of Husbands". 

First let me say what you H is doing is wrong, but if you want to try to save your marriage the first step is to understand his behavior and this will help. I can tell you as a man I have never read anything that more accurately describes how men are or why they behave they way they do. You may find it a hard book to read but in my option its 100% correct. Better yet if you think you can get your H to read the "10 stupid things men do to mess up their lives" and he applies it even better. I am very sorry for what your H has done to you it is not right, but if he is at the core a decent man there are things you can do to keep him faithful. I hope this helps,


----------



## LovingMother (Jan 6, 2010)

Thank you! Your words help. I will look at that book.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Just be careful. My estranged husband ultimately began going to those "sex" date only web sites too. He did far more than just look. And when that got boring he hooked up with numerous women over the past few years and began "swinging" with other couples. Apparently he really likes to find lesbian couples to swing with. It just keeps getting worse as time goes on. At least he isn't touching me! 

Your husband is probably lying to his therapist. I seriously doubt he is going to tell you the truth. That's also part of the addiction. It doesn't exists if they deny it. If you manage to get more details, it will be due to your detective work. Above all else don't blame yourself for what he is doing.

Hang in there!


----------

