# What do you think he is doing ..... Need some Man advice



## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

Going to make this short so I will do point form 

- H called it quits on the 3oth of Dec , said it was cause of things I did 14 years ago 
- Jan 19th found out he was having an affair with his brothers wife 
- Up till 2 weeks ago he was still calling it quits 
- I told him 2 weeks ago I would not bring up the marriage anymore, he knows where I stand. That I'm willing to do what it takes to fix this. That I love him , adore him and I'm devoted to him 

we have been together for 25 years married for 7

2 weeks ago he started to change 

He started to care about what I was doing 
He started to text and call more during the day 
He talks about things like there is nothing wrong
We get along great , do things together all the time but there is no US
He now asks what is wrong , before he never cared 
He talks about things like , I bought a new tv stand for the bedroom ( he doesn't sleep in there) He said now we need to gt matching bedroom furniture 
He talks about the future 
I still can not touch him I did the other day and he said please dont
He tells me who calls his cell and who he talks too

I don't know if this is him thinking we should be like this and this is how he wants it friends or 
if he wants this to work but doesn't know what to do 

Tonight after supper he even came and took my plate I was shocked 

Last night I said something to him and he said " what hun I didn't hear you"

Please what do you think ?


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

Please anyone, I'm dealing with a ton of different feelings.

I feel I need answers about his EA , but scared to even bring it up incase he is thinking we can fix this and I don't want to set it back. I know that sooner or later there is going to have to be a conversion about it and I'm hoping that if he is thinking we can do this maybe we can go to MC together cause I still go alone !

I get these feelings of anger cause things will come up , like for an example. 

He dropped his cell phone down the ice fishing hole a while ago before I knew anything about his EA , He blamed it on me cause I had told him he needs to carry his phone on him. When in real he carried his phone all the time to talk to her it had nothing to do with me. 

Another Example

The person he had this EA is his brothers wife. She works with my daughter at her school. Right before CHristmas they had a party and Santa was there my daughter was scared. I dropped her off and asked him does she know your cell number incase they need us. He said" pretty sure she does" even though they had been talking for months and months . 

These little things are starting to get me angry cause they are little lies


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Is he still having the affair?

I'd hazard a guess he's seeing what he might lose. A foot in both camps maybe?

i think you need answers too about the EA. What is it you're scared of if you bring it up? That he might leave? Get angry? Because basically if you brush it under the carpet (as much as you can do) it's going to do you no good and he's going to get away scot-free. Maybe even continue the affair.


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

I think the reason I don't want to bring anything up about our marriage is when I do he knocks me down and I feel like trash again ! We haven't talk about it in 2 weeks and the last 2 weeks have been good . But the last 2 nights I have been so angry, and I think it has a lot to do with his phone. 

He is always on it, but he does tell me who he is texting. Just now I was in bed , and he was sleeping on the couch! Our house is small and I can hear everything, he woke up and texted someone. I can hear him close his phone. He did it 3 times and now I mad as .....

I feel like I'm being played for a fool! But then I don't want to jump the gun incase it is nothing 

I really don't know what to think about his EA, cause out of me him ,. her and his brother I seem to be the only one that has a problem with it. His brother talks to him , and everything like there was nothing going on! I don't understand it at all 

I know there is a lot of things I want answers too. And I don't know if I will ever have them cause I honestly don't know if he would tell me the truth! 

When I busted him I busted him through he phone records. I was only able to go back to the end of october cause I think that is when she got her phone. From what I seen right from that point they were talking her first call on that phone was to him. When I asked him when they started talking he couldn't tell me but I know it had to be before the end of Oct cause they were already in full blown talking all day , morning, noon night and all day! SO it had to of started before then. These are things that are driving me insane and making me so so mad right now !


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

Jaded Heart said:


> I feel like I'm being played for a fool! But then I don't want to jump the gun incase it is nothing


You know what they say - trust your gut feelings.

Not that many of us ever do that and it's not until much later that we say..."I had this feeling...." and wished then we had listened to it.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

One of the toughest things to get your head around when you're in the 'death spiral', is that the more you pursue and insist on talking about the relationship, what's going on, and how both of you feel and what you want ... the worse you actually make things.

It is counter-intuitive to the person that wants to 'save' the relationship. What makes sense to them is talk, share, show, question ... every thing and what it means. I know this because at one time, the person that wanted to save the relationship was me.

But all this achieves is increasing the uncertainty and dissatisfaction on the part of your partner.

Look for MEM's 'thermostat' post. This is THE counter-balance to a disengaged spouse or partner.

As for your husband, I would suspect one of two things:

either he has made up in his mind that he is disengaging, and as a result, by your account the tension has dropped and the relationship dynamic has improved. But it has not improved because he wants to fix it, it has improved because he has decided to let it go.

The other possibility is that he has seen that pursuing what he wants actually becomes more problematic and offers nothing substantially 'better' than working on where he is at.

Either way, I would say that your relationship is very, very, unsettled and tenuous. 

I would urge you to back off. Prove to yourself and to him that you can, and will be just fine regardless of what he chooses.

You can certainly acknowledge and participate in positive behavior ... but do not dwell on it. Do not weigh it, do not over-analyze it. Just let it ... 'be'.

Ex and I went through this. At the point when we decided to divorce, it was if a tremendous weight was taken off the both of us. The stress level dropped substantially. All of our interactions became easier, more positive, less stressful and negative.
Honestly, at times it was very confusing ... for both of us. But, it was more like being in the eye of a hurricane than it was a complete passage of the storm. 
All of our issues remained unchanged, and unaddressed.

Be aware. Back off both physically and emotionally as much as possible. 

If you still do not know what the status of the affair is, you shouldn't be doing this guy any favors at all.


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

This morning I was so angry when I got up I wanted to tell him I was moving out with the kids. 

He sleeps on the couch in the living room, our place is small. Once he thought I was sleeping he was texting on his phone which was 3 in the morning. I heard him a few times and got up thinking it was maybe something else and he was pretending to sleep. Once I went back to bed I heard him do it again , and he actually got up! 

So now I wonder who is he talking to that he needs to talk to them at three in the morning. Maybe her , maybe her H was on night shift ! 

I just can't life with this unknown factor and what he is doing and what he is not doing. His actions control my feelings and I hate it !


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

JH, I am gonna be hard on you this time.

This has been going on on this forum for a month. You post, ask what to do, and then ignore everyone's advice.
What do you want?!
Your husband is screwing your sister in law and both you and his brother know it, but neither of you do a dam thing about it. Yet you expect that posting here will cure your problem.

Talk to your brother in law. Kick both pieces of trash out at the same time. Let them go out on their own and see what happens. At least kick your POS husband out. He is getting exactly what he wants. He has a home, a cook, a cleaner, a laundry lady and a fun piece of ass on the side. He is in heaven, you are in Hell.
And you will remain in Hell until you make him feel some pain for his actions.


This is my last post to you on this matter.


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

I have asked and asked him to move out. He says this is his house and it is not mine. 

I don't have any where to go , and as for the other people invovled in this . It seems that they don't care, my BIL talks to my H ! My H talks to her once in a while from what he says ! 

Please understand I don't want to lose my home. I have pretty much come to terms I have lost my husband. And to be honest I think it is for the best. I just don't want to lose my home, my kids home and everything I have fought so hard to have. 

We just bought this home. We in the last 1 have finally been able to live a good life ! He makes good money ! 

I kinda wanna know what he is thinking so I can take the steps to do what I need to do, or do I say F you and just do what I need to do !


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

He has a home, a cook, a cleaner, a laundry lady and a fun piece of ass on the side. He is in heaven, you are in Hell.
And you will remain in Hell until you make him feel some pain for his actions.

Your right about all this but the sex. There is no physical contact between us at all. I touched him the other morning not thinking and he got upset !


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