# Wife: easier to be affectionate the less you are (after her affair)



## Xochipilli (Aug 18, 2009)

I don't know how to begin this post, but I must start somewhere, so here goes. Please feel free to ask me for details or ask me about things that I haven't mentioned that you suspect could be in play... because they probably are, and I just don't want to "over share."

I'd like some level of anonymity, so I will refer to her as "Summer."

Summer and I have known each other for 10 years and been married most of that time. She recently had an emotional affair with a mutual "friend" of ours, and when she knew that I had discovered its gradual escalation into pornographic emails, decided to sleep with him twice over the course of two days (during our brief separation.)

She then stayed with family, during which time I learned of what she had done, and I refused to answer her phone calls or texts. I even asked my friends to not communicate with her in any way about my well-being. A week passed, and I drove out to see her and talk.

Over the course of a week, we decided to work things out, seek marriage counseling, and we drove back home. We decided it was best that we had separate sessions before doing them together.

However, after her first session, she had resolved to leave me. Her intentions came out that evening, I expressed some pent up anger and disappointment in her (the affair, what she did when she thought things "were irreparable between us" with her lover, and how my forgiveness meant nothing to her.) I then left for a motel, and that night she called her former, if former, lover to talk. The next day she went to a bar, where we both had agreed to never visit again since that was the place he frequented. From what she told me, she had seen him but he hadn't seen her; she then texted him, asking if he wanted to talk, but they didn't. Later that evening, she showed up at the motel where I was staying, and I told her I was leaving for good tomorrow. The next morning she expressed to me how she didn't want us to divorce and that she wanted to do whatever it took to make things work.

Okay, so here's where the affection part comes in... I've been kissing her while she's starting to fall asleep as we watch TV into the early morning hours. I've been telling her that she's "worth it" and complimenting her on her hair and the smell of nice shampoo... Not overdoing it, really. I don't text her all the time; I don't dote on her constantly; I don't smother her in public. I just take at least one moment out of the day to be affectionate to her... at least once.

Now she's telling me that I'm like a doormat. That I'm just being affectionate to her so she won't leave me. I conceded that perhaps my affection was motivated by a selfish desire to "take affection from her," being afraid that I wouldn't get any otherwise.

But I'm not so sure about all this. Could it be that she's still doing things that make her feel guilty and unworthy of my affection? Could she still be lying, or, perhaps, leaving out important details about things surrounding the affair or other recent activity that I don't know about?

How do I get to the bottom of this; or, worse yet, can I at all?


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Xochipilli said:


> Now she's telling me that I'm like a doormat.


It doesn't matter a damn what the poll says, she just told you that _she thinks you're a doormat_.

She is testing you here. Basically she just asked you straight up to your face... "are you a male member of the human species?" You're kinda meant to "bump back" on tests like this and display some sort of sterotypical male behavior towards a sexually available female and other males competing for your mates attention.

I mean seriously... your wife screws another guy and you take _a poll _on whether your a doormat?!?!?!

You are NOT out of the woods yet. She is still quite likely considering returning to him if you fail her requirements. Also she needs a pregnancy test - women tend to cheat during ovulation, and she may have already poached the dominant genes she wants, and is about to cuddle up to Mr Nice Guy to raise the kid.


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

Ouch Atholk...way to let him down easy. Unfortunately...I agree with him. She has cheated on you, then spat in your face and more recently kicked you in the junk. At this point it doesnt matter if she'll stay with you or not, what matters is how quickly you can get her **** out of your house and onto the front yard. And dont forget to change the locks on the door.


And even more importantly...DONT TAKE HER BACK after you boot her. Unless you dont have any balls left. Then what you should do is get a sex change operation and be a lesbian.



John


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I'm going to ignore the ridiculous advice you've been given and cut right to the chase: You are coming across to her as way too needy and desperate with all this affection! She flip-flopped a couple of times in a few days on what she wanted to do--you were steadfast in taking her back. Now, let the counseling begin, again, both of you individually AND together. You will have to get over the neediness (which may be what drove her away in the first place) and you must give her space. Frankly, she needs time to grieve the loss of her affair. It does not hurt any less b/c it was wrong, although she may soon learn to hate the bastard for his part in the whole thing, but you must give her time to let go in her own way. This will be hard on you, but it's essential. The last thing she wants when she's trying to get over a broken heart is for you to be mooning around her. The good news is, this gives you time to work on your neediness and learning to set boundaries about what you will/will not take, and when you begin to do this, she will gain back respect for you (plus, the fact that you can show change/growth is hugely impressive).



> Could it be that she's still doing things that make her feel guilty and unworthy of my affection? Could she still be lying, or, perhaps, leaving out important details about things surrounding the affair or other recent activity that I don't know about


If she is giving up the other man, she must also give up her privacy until you trust her. You must have access to her phones, email accounts, everything. She lied, so you won't trust her if she doesn't do all this. Do not be controlling--telling her who she can see, what she can do, as long as it does not involve the other man (OM). She could be leaving out details of the affair, but frankly, that's probably for the best. You don't need to hear them. They don't matter--what matters is how you both move forward. She may not feel guilty or have any details she's hidden, either. Again, she dislikes your affection b/c she is not in love with you right now; she's in love with OM. BUT she has reasons for wanting to fall back in love with you, so remember that and move forward.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

NothingMan said:


> Then what you should do is get a sex change operation and be a lesbian.


LOL and you said I was harsh!


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## SeeThomasHowl (Aug 19, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> I'm going to ignore the ridiculous advice you've been given and cut right to the chase: You are coming across to her as way too needy and desperate with all this affection! She flip-flopped a couple of times in a few days on what she wanted to do--you were steadfast in taking her back. Now, let the counseling begin, again, both of you individually AND together. You will have to get over the neediness (which may be what drove her away in the first place) and you must give her space. Frankly, she needs time to grieve the loss of her affair. It does not hurt any less b/c it was wrong, although she may soon learn to hate the bastard for his part in the whole thing, but you must give her time to let go in her own way. This will be hard on you, but it's essential. The last thing she wants when she's trying to get over a broken heart is for you to be mooning around her. The good news is, this gives you time to work on your neediness and learning to set boundaries about what you will/will not take, and when you begin to do this, she will gain back respect for you (plus, the fact that you can show change/growth is hugely impressive).
> 
> 
> 
> If she is giving up the other man, she must also give up her privacy until you trust her. You must have access to her phones, email accounts, everything. She lied, so you won't trust her if she doesn't do all this. Do not be controlling--telling her who she can see, what she can do, as long as it does not involve the other man (OM). She could be leaving out details of the affair, but frankly, that's probably for the best. You don't need to hear them. They don't matter--what matters is how you both move forward. She may not feel guilty or have any details she's hidden, either. Again, she dislikes your affection b/c she is not in love with you right now; she's in love with OM. BUT she has reasons for wanting to fall back in love with you, so remember that and move forward.


this


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Wow. don't we all like the word depends!

Ok, here's my take. You are a little needy, but I also see lots of things that might have driven her away. 

She did sleep with him, but not until you were seperated. Give her points for that. 

Also, you were pretty obnoxious in some way to her and she may have thought - damn, is this going to be worth it. Again, when she went and talked to him, looks like to tell him it's over she again did it - TELLING YOU SHE DIDN"T WANT TO WORK ON IT. 

Other than the EA, which some ppl don't see as cheating and some do, she didn't cheat on you while you were 'together' per se. 

I'd say you need to really forgive her and get over the martyr side of this yourself. She needs to know you really mean it, just tell her yes


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