# Not sure what to do



## Broken2016 (Apr 26, 2018)

I found out my husband had an affair with his coworker , he ended things when I discovered everything on accident , well 2 years later I find out they are best friends and text all the time , I am not allowed to use his phone , I told him I didn't approve and he told me she isn't going anywhere. Am I losing my mind or should I be worried . I'm not saying I don't trust him , but when he says that she isn't going anywhere it makes me feel like I am not worth it anymore and that he is only here because of our kids . Just tired and feel like giving up but I love him so much ....


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

He has no respect for you. Hand him divorce papers, and see just how important this "friend" is.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Broken2016 said:


> I found out my husband had an affair with his coworker , he ended things when I discovered everything on accident , well 2 years later I find out they are best friends and text all the time , I am not allowed to use his phone , I told him I didn't approve and he told me she isn't going anywhere. Am I losing my mind or should I be worried . I'm not saying I don't trust him , but when he says that she isn't going anywhere it makes me feel like I am not worth it anymore and that he is only here because of our kids . Just tired and feel like giving up but I love him so much ....


What it really means is that he would rather have her friendship than have you as a wife. Its as plain as that....your marriage is crowd, it time to give him his walking papers...you don't need the stress, the lies, the cheating, basically his crap.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Broken2016 said:


> 2 years later I find out they are best friends and text all the time , I am not allowed to use his phone , I told him I didn't approve and he told me she isn't going anywhere.


Broken,

That has to be absolutely *UNACCEPTABLE* to you. It probably means they started the A back or never stopped it. But even if they haven't, it doesn't make a difference to how you should react to that arrogant disregard for what you gave him. The gift of a second chance. This tells you how much he values that gift.

Go talk to a divorce attorney and formulate an exit strategy before you confront him again. If he doesn't agree to stop all contact, send a no contact letter to her, give you access to all his devices, and demonstrate genuine contrition about this; complete the divorce and dump him like a bad habit. You surely deserve better than that.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Agree with the above. This is no way to live. Would you rather be second fiddle to this ‘friendship’ for the rest of your life?

It’s time you start protecting yourself now, because he has stopped protecting you 2 years ago.


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## somewhereinnc (Apr 26, 2018)

You deserve so much more than that and he is not trustworthy, he has proved it to you twice. Please consult with an attorney and go through with the divorce. He doesn't respect or value you and please don't let him go on treating you this way. 
I'm sorry for your pain!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Broken2016 said:


> I found out my husband had an affair with his coworker , he ended things when I discovered everything on accident , well 2 years later I find out they are best friends and text all the time , I am not allowed to use his phone , I told him I didn't approve and he told me she isn't going anywhere. Am I losing my mind or should I be worried . I'm not saying I don't trust him , but when he says that she isn't going anywhere it makes me feel like I am not worth it anymore and that he is only here because of our kids . Just tired and feel like giving up but I love him so much ....


For as long as they’re still in contact the affair is ongoing.

If she’s married expose the affair to her husband.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Broken2016 said:


> I'm not saying I don't trust him


You should be saying it. When a spouse betrays their marriage they lose that privilege of being trusted. They have to earn back trust slowly, month by month, year by year; but it never completely returns. 

Your WH just blew up most of whatever trust he had earned back in a short two years.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Broken2016 said:


> I found out my husband had an affair with his coworker , he ended things when I discovered everything on accident , well 2 years later I find out they are best friends and text all the time , I am not allowed to use his phone , I told him I didn't approve and he told me she isn't going anywhere. Am I losing my mind or should I be worried . I'm not saying I don't trust him , but when he says that she isn't going anywhere it makes me feel like I am not worth it anymore and that he is only here because of our kids . Just tired and feel like giving up but I love him so much ....


Assure your H he is going somewhere. Provide your H his walking papers(D). Very disrespectful of your H to keep his AP as a friend. The affair was never over. Just went underground.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

Did you expose his affair first time round? If not then expose it now to friends and family. He should have no contact with her at all. Time to play hardball. You should consult a lawyer too.

Also he should not still be working with her. Like Gus said “the affair is ongoing”.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Broken2016 said:


> I'm not saying I don't trust him .


Why in the world would you trust him? This is a man who has lied to your face repeatedly, most likely every single day. He has lied about where he is, who he is with... and you know, that he has a girlfriend. 

This is NOT how reconciliation works! He has no respect for you, or your relationship. He basically told you he is keeping his girlfriend. 

Look... I cheated. And reconciliation is a GIFT that must be EARNED by the cheater. EARNED!! 

My phone, computer, anything is free for my husband to look at and use any time he likes. He has my every password. I have no problem with this because I have nothing to hide.

I know he will never 100% trust me - I broke his trust, and I have no reason to think that it will ever be completely restored - even though I have put in a lot of hard work to rebuild it. 

And here is the thing, his trust isn't for MY benefit - its for his. So I try to go above and beyond to reassure him, so he doesn't have to live with that stress. He knows where I am 24/7. I check in all the time, I never want to leave him doubting. 

Keeping in touch with affair partner?!?!?!? Holy S**** NO NO NO NO NO *NO! *

Not a freaking option!!! He is a CHEATER he does not get to call the shots! YOU DO!

What has he done to earn your trust, to earn your respect? To earn your forgiveness? 

It sounds like he is treating you like a door mat. 

I am sorry honey, he doesn't love you enough to not keep his girl friend. That should tell you all you need to know. 

People treat us like we ALLOW them to treat us. Why do you allow him to treat you this way? 

If he had just cheated, I would say give him this book, and tell him to take every step.... But he has already proven unremoseful, and totally disrespectful. 

https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair-ebook/dp/B004ZG6UF4

I think your choices are to stay married to a man who will have always have another woman on the side, or stand up for yourself.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Broken2016 said:


> I found out my husband had an affair with his coworker , he ended things when I discovered everything on accident , well 2 years later I find out they are best friends and text all the time , I am not allowed to use his phone , I told him I didn't approve and he told me she isn't going anywhere. Am I losing my mind or should I be worried . I'm not saying I don't trust him , but when he says that she isn't going anywhere it makes me feel like I am not worth it anymore and that he is only here because of our kids . Just tired and feel like giving up but I love him so much ....


Then it's a pity he doesn't reciprocate your life.

He sounds like a bit of a rotter, a cad and a mountebank, to be honest.

He is not there for you or your children, so I would suggest serving divorce papers on him. Sorry, but he is not a good husband or a decent father.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Without respect, you have little chance of a successful marriage... you have to love yourself more and show that you value yourself whether he values you or not (hint... what do his actions show you?).

The actions are what you believe... are these the actions of someone who loves you?

Your place as a wife and you yourself are not an option... how would you best communicate that to him?

If he is really prepared to go to the brink... it may be wise to meet him there.

You do have a say in this, he may be surprised that he is in a place to lose you or he may not be surprised at all... almost assuredly he will not like being faced with a realistic option.


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## Broken2016 (Apr 26, 2018)

He already said that if I want to leave that is my choice and he won't stand in my way


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

So what do you want to do?

Stay in a marriage where your husband doesn't care if you stay or leave. A marriage where he doesn't respect you. A marriage where you have to share your husband with another woman?

Or?

Do you want to stay in this marriage? If so, why?


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

He won’t stand in your way? Alright then, so he’ll be compliant and give you what you ask for. Take the offer.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Broken2016 said:


> He already said that if I want to leave that is my choice and he won't stand in my way


Then go. He clearly doesn't care.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

they still have an affair. try to get out if you can.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Leave and get a good lawyer. If you want to work on things this might be the only thing that gets him interested in the rebuilding of the marriage. 

The long term outlook on just staying and accepting his disrespect is going to soul destroying, it will make your self esteem drop to the lowest levels imaginable. You for your own sanity, and self preservation and esteem of yourself you NEED to get some divorce papers. 

You can say this is not what you want but that you have self respect, which is good because he seems to have none for you. 

DUMP HIM....but by all means if you hope to work it out wait after he faces the full force of the consequences of his actions. Dont hide this or clean up his messes for him. Stop cooking him meals or washing his clothes. YOU NEED TO DETACH now!! 

I am so sorry.


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

One of two things, he thinks you are weak and don't have it in you to file for divorce. That's why he is telling you to leave if you don't like him talking to her. Or #2, he doesn't love you and for now he is just playing the card "it's cheaper to keep her" . Coworker affairs are the hardest to break, trust me on that one. My spouse had a one year affair with a coworker. I ended it, when I discovered a email account that I never knew she had. That night I sat her down and made sure she had her phone with her. I asked for her phone and brought up the email log in page and told her to log in or tomorrow is going to be a completely different life for her. She knew I had her at this point. I was aware of the affair before it became a full blown sexual affair. I made the mistake of thinking I had enough evidence to nail her. I didn't have enough evidence and drove the affair underground. That's when she got the email account and I couldn't track her anymore. But I knew it was still ongoing. To make a long story short, She logged in and I found just what my gut was telling me for the past year. She cried for 3 days straight but at the end of the day I still believe the only reason it actually ended was because she got another job. They were extremely deep in to this affair and that was just 12 months in. Your husband has been into this for over 2 years even after being busted. You have an extremely difficult decision to make. Call his potential bluff and ask him for a divorce. Or live the rest of your life in love with a man that has no respect for you and cares more for another woman then he does his wife. Only you can decide what to do.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Broken2016 said:


> He already said that if I want to leave that is my choice and he won't stand in my way


let me translate that for you:

"im going to keep having an affair with this woman because she is more important to me than you are. deal with it."

i would divorce if i were you.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Broken2016 said:


> He already said that if I want to leave that is my choice and he won't stand in my way


Very sorry for you going through this, but THAT is not a marriage. You can tell he values her "friendship" over you. PLEASE go to a lawyer, find out your options, protect your finances and stand up to him. Find a real shark -- he deserves to be taken to the cleaners for how he has acted.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I would not stay married to someone who chose a friend over me even if my concerns were unfounded. For all you know, they could still be having an affair, but this time right under your nose. If you read articles by Psychologist about affairs you will find that sometimes a couple become addicted to each other and no matter the consequences and promises, cannot stay apart. The recommendation is to move far away. I found myself in such a situation. I did not like the woman. We did not have sex but we did make out. I broke it off before it went any further. She was addicted to me and stalked me, sent me love letters, called at night to wish me a good night and left roses on my doorsteps once a week. 

I tried to shake her by altering my daily routine but one day she got on my bus and asked the guy sitting next to me if he would mind if she took his seat. As soon as she got near my I was attracted to her again. We got off the bus at the same stop and she offered me a ride home which was about 5 blocks from the bus stop. I said yes because it was raining. She ended up parking saying she wanted to talk to me and long story short, we started kissing again until her husband knocked on the car window. As I found out later, she had been in an affair with the same guy for 10 years and he left her. Her husband thought I was that guy. Luckily I am a big and imposing guy because he obeyed my commands. 

The very next day she called me to ask if I would met her at a motel. I asked about her husband and all she said was that she took care of him. Her husband put up with her talking to her old affair partner on the phone, and even going to the same business conventions with him out of State for two weeks each year, swearing that they were just friends and refusing to give him up. I told her no and three months later we moved to another State to get away from her. Till this day I still think of her and that was about 30 years ago. So it is possible to become addicted to someone and it never ends well unless you separate them by a lot of miles. I gave up friends that my wife did not like, long time friends, simply because she asked me to. That is how love and marriage should work. Not what you have.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

Broken2016 said:


> He already said that if I want to leave that is my choice and he won't stand in my way


He isn’t interested in your piece of mind and happiness. Cut him loose.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Your in denial


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## kekkek (Apr 5, 2018)

Vinnydee said:


> I would not stay married to someone who chose a friend over me even if my concerns were unfounded. For all you know, they could still be having an affair, but this time right under your nose. If you read articles by Psychologist about affairs you will find that sometimes a couple become addicted to each other and no matter the consequences and promises, cannot stay apart. The recommendation is to move far away. I found myself in such a situation. I did not like the woman. We did not have sex but we did make out. I broke it off before it went any further. She was addicted to me and stalked me, sent me love letters, called at night to wish me a good night and left roses on my doorsteps once a week.
> 
> I tried to shake her by altering my daily routine but one day she got on my bus and asked the guy sitting next to me if he would mind if she took his seat. As soon as she got near my I was attracted to her again. We got off the bus at the same stop and she offered me a ride home which was about 5 blocks from the bus stop. I said yes because it was raining. She ended up parking saying she wanted to talk to me and long story short, we started kissing again until her husband knocked on the car window. As I found out later, she had been in an affair with the same guy for 10 years and he left her. Her husband thought I was that guy. Luckily I am a big and imposing guy because he obeyed my commands.
> 
> The very next day she called me to ask if I would met her at a motel. I asked about her husband and all she said was that she took care of him. Her husband put up with her talking to her old affair partner on the phone, and even going to the same business conventions with him out of State for two weeks each year, swearing that they were just friends and refusing to give him up. I told her no and three months later we moved to another State to get away from her. Till this day I still think of her and that was about 30 years ago. So it is possible to become addicted to someone and it never ends well unless you separate them by a lot of miles. I gave up friends that my wife did not like, long time friends, simply because she asked me to. That is how love and marriage should work. Not what you have.


That is an amazing story that deserves its own thread!


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Broken2016 said:


> I found out my husband had an affair with his coworker , he ended things when I discovered everything on accident , well 2 years later I find out they are best friends and text all the time ,* I am not allowed to use his phone* , I told him I didn't approve and he told me she isn't going anywhere. Am I losing my mind or should I be worried . I'm not saying I don't trust him , but when he says that she isn't going anywhere it makes me feel like I am not worth it anymore and that he is only here because of our kids . Just tired and feel like giving up but I love him so much ....



Not _*allowed*_ to use his phone? *Allowed*?!?! I would start the divorce the very minute my spouse used this word with me.


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## Steelman (Mar 5, 2018)

Broken2016 said:


> I found out my husband had an affair with his coworker , he ended things when I discovered everything on accident , well 2 years later I find out they are best friends and text all the time , I am not allowed to use his phone , I told him I didn't approve and he told me she isn't going anywhere. Am I losing my mind or should I be worried . I'm not saying I don't trust him , but when he says that she isn't going anywhere it makes me feel like I am not worth it anymore and that he is only here because of our kids . Just tired and feel like giving up but I love him so much ....


Ya that sounds real healthy to a marriage- the "other woman" hanging around as a friend. And he only ended it because you found out. You know what you need to do.


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