# Today is a down day.



## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

My emotions are all over the place. Today I miss her.

I want this all to go away. I hate being at work right now. Everything is a reminder that my wife is gone.

I still love her and dont know how to stop. I want her back. Have not spoken to her in weeks.

How does this ever get better. I am so lonely


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Try to keep to one thread. Its easier for others to keep your story separate from others. Time will help more than it feels today. Are you in IC? Have you gone to your MD to discuss short-term anti-depressants? Are you working out at a gym?


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

I am on zoloft but I dont think its working. Not working out yet. Cant focus on that right now. Cant really afford counciling right now. 

Sorry bout the thread thing... Just felling low this morning. It usually passes by the afternoon when I get closer to going home and seeing the boys. Next week gonna be so hard. Both boys may be gone, not sure the oldest wants to go see his mom yet.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

No worries.
The one constant I've seen is that everyone, everyone, everyone goes through a roller-coaster of emotions, and we usually don't have a great deal of control over when it happens. This is all very new. So take a deep breath and exhale. You will make it through this.

As for next week, plan something to do. I reno'ed my kitchen when my ex left-and he took all the power tools. The hammer and I became very good friends. Re-arrange the furniture, paint the walls a color she hated. Do something to make that house yours. Try to plan something with friends. You don't have to talk about your situation-just go do something. Go watch a ball game with the guys, or ride a bike, or take a hike, or go to a vineyard. Just try very, very hard not to sit at home-alone-and put yourself through hell.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Sorry for your pain.

The best thing to do is find a way to minimize your depression, and take care of your health.

You need the time and energy to focus on yourself and do what is best for you as an individual.

Your mindset is important. The more you think negatively, the more your thoughts will be altered in that direction. Spending time with family, friends and finding new hobbies and exploring and reinventing yourself is important.

With your recent pain, the world will be less and not as fulfilling.

Your love for her will fade eventually and the more it does, the more you can be neutral about her. When seen through a lense of neutrality, she may not appear as bright as she once was.

She may not be the person she portrayed and what you loved may not have existed or is gone. Some of her actions, the ones you fell in love with or given hope for may have and it does sound like manipulation to keep you off guard.

As you detach, the emotions and feelings she invokes will lessen.

Perception is powerful and emotions amplify how you view things.

So, work towards a healthy mind and body and learn to cherish yourself as a person and know that there are others whom love and cherish qualities about you. Grieving is okay, let the pain be express and yet at the same time, work towards a better life.

Depression is an insidious state of mind. It saps away motivation. If you want to be happy and have a fulfilling life again, you may have to force yourself to get through this. Not to mention your children will have a prime example of overcoming obstacles.


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

Im feeling better today but edging closer to the day I have to send my sons back to mom. 

My older son does not want to go to his moms but I can tell he misses her. She has not contacted him due to the fact she knows he is mad. She doesnt see any fault on her own and pretty much blames me for everything. My son knows this is not true and is upset with how she is acting. Anyway I told him his mother loves him and I love him too. To not worry so much and lets have fun this weekend. Hes strong kid but he has been really upset recently and it breaks my heart.

I look forward to the evenings I have the kids and have yet to spend time by myself all alone. I know that part is coming and I dread it so much. 

Anyway just felt the need to write something down.

I still love my wife and everyday she is gone I die a little inside


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Sorry this is so new and overwhelming for you. I've been dealing with h for 7 years and he has filed for d, the third time, and really seems intent on going through with it this time, but if he doesn't, and shows up and says "sorry" as he has so often in the past, he's going to find a resolute new me who says, too bad. 

But I remember the early days. One suggestion I have is, first, feel what you feel. You can't NOT feel it. But what I learned to do was write. I kept a journal and I would start out writing how I felt and it would become an imaginary conversation with my h, where I would tell him various things, good AND bad, anger AND compassion and all sorts of things. It got my feelings out of my system. In the early days I did well to get 2 or 3 hours of sleep and I lost my appetite and 25 pounds, but it got better. I am sure that the realization that you have to admit you're having feelings and you need to sit still to feel them means that you feel you'd have to sit stlll FOREVER, but it gets better. Just as you would take a break from work every few hours, take a break every so often and feel what you're feeling and write it down. If you need to revisit it, it will be there that way. The amazing things about my journals is that they showed how very far I came over time, how much stronger I got, how much more capable I was of dealing with everything thrown at me, and how much I was learning about me AND my h and about our history. 

Admittedly, I still do struggle with coming home to an empty house. It was okay when he hadn't filed for divorce, but divorce feels final and I am feeling the reality of the absence, now confirmed for good, of my partner, but I am finding ways to make my house my own, putting his stuff away, planning to get rid of the furniture we hated but he was too cheap to replace. 

All I can say is, it WILL get better. Talk and post here, and take care of yourself. 

Good luck.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

This has got to be so hard for you DS. My marriage committed hari-kari when my oldest DD was 14. It was ugly. And like your WW, my WH blamed me for pretty much everything. I was solely responsible for everything from his heart attack to turning the dog against him. Luckily my DD was and is one tough cookie and would hear none of that. I can also say now, after much distance from the situation-his accusations seem ridiculous. It didn't feel that way at the time.

Try to remind your son that everyone is responsible for their own behavior, him included. Hopefully they will work through it, it will take time. And whatever relationship your kids have with their mother is on her-not you. You are not her go-between.

So what have you got planned to occupy your time?


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

Im really worried about my oldest son. I took my youngest (10) back to his mom sunday and I asked my oldest (15) did he want to go. He told me no. I told him to not stay because of me and if he wanted to go see his mom he could. He said he might but did not want to go over there.

I know he misses his mom and he is mad at her for what she is doing. 90% percent of the time he is fine. But in the morning he seems bummed out and I try hard to cheer him up.

Im not going to lie I dont think I could make it without him here with me. Coming home to a big empty house would be really hard. Im leaning on him right now and I think he is leaning right back. I dont want him to resent his mom but he hates what is happening. 

I know my wife is blaming me for "poisoning his mind". But hes is 15 he is alot smarter than she thinks. He knows what is going on and seen her do some of the things I have accused her of.

Currently I refuse to talk to my wife. I will not look her in the face and will only communicate about the boys and via text.

I think I should email her and ask her if she wants to have dinner with my son this week. But at the same time I dont want him to leave the house. 

So confused. I dont want him to grow up with all this pain. This is the kind of stuff I tried to tell my wife would happen to our family if she went through with this.

My youngest and my oldest fight alot so the time away from each other right now is actually a plus. But Im sure they miss each other. 

Its all so new right now and eventually we will settle into some kind of rhythm. But regardless I think my oldest is always going to remember what my wife is doing. Dont get me wrong I know that I am to blame for a lot of problems in the marriage. The difference is I wanted to make it work and she did not. 

Should I email my wife and ask her to go to dinner with my son this week?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Not everyone is going to agree with me on this (like I care), but how your STBX and S15 work out their relationship is best left to them. She has decided you are not to be her spouse any longer. You got fired from that job, and IMO part of your old job was running interference when your partner needed propping up. Like I said she fired you. 

Always, always support your son and -this bites, but be mindful NOT to lean on him too much. He is not your buddy. He is a teen whose parents are divorcing and he's got a lot of crap to sort out that is unrelated to what you are going through. Keep reminding him he is free to see his mom at anytime and free to contact her to arrange any visit/meeting they like. You could also tell him he is free to invite mom to your house, but the conversations about the meeting has to be between the two of them.


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

I know. I try not to treat him as a buddy. He is my son and I tell him I love him all the time. I have told him Im his Dad and will allways be there for him. I ask him if he is mad at his mom and he says yes. I asked him not to stay here if he feels its just to make me feel better. He said No I dont want to go. 

Right now he is torn between his Dad and Mom and I hate it. I know what her thinking is. She thinks that I am keeping him from her and it will backfire on me.

However she was suppposed to come check him out from school last week to take him to a doc appointment. I told him she was coming and to ask her when she would be picking him up. She canceled the appointment and would not give him a reason why. When I picked him up that afternoon it was obvious he was hurt.

Also of a bigger concern to me is he probably misses his little brother and vice versa. However I am working on scheduling days this week that they can be together.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Sounds like you are doing good.

You can't make mom be a good mother right now. 
And your son will hurt. Selfish behavior usually hurts other people.

Its horrible. Keep reminding him it is not about him, it is about her. 
Kids break your heart when they love you and when they don't.

So what are you doing for you?


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

for me? Nothing really.... I want to start working out but I got a bad case of the lazy right now. 

Been cleaning up around the house. Moving my clothes into her side of the closet. Trying to save money and cooking dinner, as opposed to fast food everynight. (what she does all the time)

Mondays are bad... I hate going to work and I hate being away from the boys. I still miss my wife no matter how much I say I dont. I try to think of all the bad things she has done and then im reminded of some of the things I have said and done as well.

My mom tells me I have nothing to be ashamed of. I tried like Hell to save our marriage and it was one sided. She kept telling me I cant make someone love me. I know that to be true now. 

The wierd thing is I dream of my wife every night. I really want that to stop. I wake up hurting and it really sucks!

Me and the boys bought a bunch of board games this weekend. I talked them into playing parcheesi. They didnt want to and now they love it. Old games are the best.


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

I cant stand to see my son hurt by his mother so much. She has not texted him or called him. She is upset that he is staying with me and is mad at her.

So i emailed her and said I would bring him to her thursday and they can go out to eat and he can come back to the house after that.

I dont want him blaming me for no relationship with his mother. I think it will also relieve his sadness a little.

Its not my fault she is doing this and he knows that. But I cant stand to see him hurting. Its bad enough she has broken my heart, I cant let her break his as well.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

And remember, the DEPRESSION and SADNESS is there to HELP YOU!!! This will allow you to detach naturally and you WILL be very careful who you choose as a partner in the future. Those emotions are also there to assist you in no longer blaming your spouse but looking inward as to what you could have done better in the relationship. They are not a bad thing, they are medicine your brain is administering to get you BETTER!!! I've said it before, be careful on the SSRIs like Zoloft...DUDE


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

NMT,
I completely understand your desire to protect your son from the pain his mother is generating. I get you want to do everything you can to fix this for him and make is life easier. The sadness you say you are relieving is temporary at best, and won't help them develop their own relationship.

But you are showing some co-dependency here. Take a look

Codependency No More -

Your desire to have an engaged mother for your kids is perfectly normal. Your actions in setting this up and having her at your house is what turns this into a codependent situation. You can't fix her. You can't enable a healthy relationship between your STBX and your son. It will feel like it kills you, trust me, of this I know for sure.


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

Ive been taking zoloft for a while now. Not for depression but for anxiety. I have a real issue with that and it helps.


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

Oh yeah I think I am definatly co-dependant. The dinner would not be at my house. She will pick him up and take him out. 

I just dont want him to resent his mother and me either. I can see the sadness in his eys and it kills me. She does not text him or call cause she "is waiting on him to come to her". He has no need to go to her. She should be begging him to forgive her. But she doesnt see it that way.

I know Im not responsible for their relationship now. But I dont want to be a reason he does not see her either. After this its up to her to reach out to him.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Pride.

Your STBX seems to forget that she is the parent and the responsibility for reaching out is hers. As long as you don't bad-mouth her, or do dumb things like grill him about what they talk about and how things are with mom when they do get together-the rest is on them.
So when they have dinner and he returns say no more than "have a good dinner?" The same as you would if he went out with anyone else in his life. If he comes back with any messages from mom for you. Tell him you are sorry she did that, you will handle things. Then you can text/email the STBX and remind her not to use kids as a messenger service. (I really hate parents who use the kids as go-betweens and I have a friend who is dealing with that now, That's the only reason I threw that in).

Are you doing anything for Halloween? Carving a pumpkin, picking out candy? This is an easy holiday to start making your traditions, separate from whatever your STBX is doing. Or, I have a some friends who put a bowl of candy on the porch and leave the house.


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

I do have plans with the boys on halloween. Hey Pluto go read my other post on my original thread. There is an update.

Me and the boys are going to watch halloween movies saturday night and cook. I cant wait


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## hesitationmarks (Jan 30, 2014)

Hey man, be strong, when she comes back, don't let her, seriously the woman you knew is gone, forever. Even is she comes back, she will pull the same **** again and again because you will be her puppet. Don't be me. Please, listen to these guys. They you this stuff, you have to live it to know it. Immediately, become your most attractive, gym, clothes, do it for yourself not to get her back. To build your confidence back, do it fast don't linger in this state. Move. You'll hate yourself in a year if you self wallow too long. Tough love is what you need right now, reach out to someone who has lived it and listen to them. Don't be a passive beta male. Ask yourself, were you really happy in life with her.


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## Riptide (Nov 2, 2015)

Dude007 - that is an excellent post. Part of going through that depression and sadness is that when you get out of the darkness, things that you didn't notice or took for granted will look much brighter and you will get a new outlook on life. Use that depression and sadness as motivation to improve yourself and your mindset. 

NoMoreTears - keep doing what you are doing with your boys. Spend time with them but don't try and take control of your wife's relationship with them. That is on her. Granted you do not want to see your sons hurt over her actions and disengagement will only come back to haunt her. Your sons will remember who was there for them when the chips were down.Focus on ways to build up your self esteem. Start jogging, working out and get out of the house and be active.


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