# Another "fitness test" as you guys call it



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

You know what it boils down to? To not knowing how to channel your emotions.

She had a very hard day. I know it since she doesn't stop to yell at me and blame me and basically looking for what I did wrong today.

My son got home from a program. Looked like he had a bit of sun burn. My wife asked me to give him dinner (before he got home) but seeing that he is all hot I decided to give him some drinks and a Popsicle. I couldn't even talk to her about it since she was sitting on the computer, avoiding everything that is going on in the house.

"Why did you make this stupid mistake to give him popsicle instead of dinner?" she started asking when she finally got up from the computer.

"When you would stop calling my decision stupid I will explain to you" I said as calmly as I was able to pretend. 

"Because you are such a control freak and always need to have your way" she yelled straight back to which I didn't even reply.

What do you think? How should I have responded?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

"While I'm not quite as good at showing restraint as you're demonstrating, there are several reasons for the decision"


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I assume you don't sit down and have dinner as a family? Or did you and your W already eat?

Anyways, in my brain's version of this dialog, I'd have said, all you had to do was ask for one too and get her a popsicle from the freezer.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

though of course it would have also been the wrong answer and probably just agitated her.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

"You're exaggerating. I don't always get my way. If that were so, you'd be wearing a ball-gag."

I actually did use a variant of this with the ex. She made the WTF face and did end up laughing.

What it comes down to is meeting sh!t with any of the following:
humor, amusement, calm, aplomb, or indifference.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

"Son and I have all this under control, go back to your computer"


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Popsicle for dinner. UFB. 
Just so you know, your son has a burn and frozen ice doesn't help that.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Popsicle for dinner. UFB.
> Just so you know, your son has a burn and frozen ice doesn't help that.


UFB? anyways, yeah not a nutritious start to supper, but what right does his W have to criticize?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Wow. You're persnickety.

Kid's been out in the sun all afternoon. Drink and a popsicle makes sense to me. Did so for my kids when we came in from the pool at 4 pm last weekend. My son will only eat red popsicles, God love'em. They got 'dinner' at 5. Zero impact on their appetite. 

She was looking for something to b!tch about, end of story.
Had he served up duck confit and risotto, she was going to have something to say about it.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Wow. You're persnickety.
> 
> Kid's been out in the sun all afternoon. Drink and a popsicle makes sense to me. Did so for my kids when we came in from the pool at 4 pm last weekend. My son will only eat red popsicles, God love'em. They got 'dinner' at 5. Zero impact on their appetite.
> 
> ...


Wrong. Women don't like men who cannot be counted on. Tossing your kid a drink and a popsicle would fall under that category. 

Wait, did you say duck confit and risotto?! Swoon.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

joshbjoshb said:


> "Why did you make this stupid mistake to give him popsicle instead of dinner?" she started asking when she finally got up from the computer.


Come on now! The answer to this one can lead to loads of fun.

You reply, "I needed a diversion. The neighbors said your fangs were showing when you got home."

My wife hates that one most of all. 

The more typical one is to reply with a question, "Did you forget your pill today? You know there's a full moon, don't you?" This one relieved us of a whole set of Pfaltzgraff plates that I hated.

Of course, I am just joking. Thankfully, I learned that these lines were counter-productive early in the marriage. We agreed that comments like 'stupid' or 'idiot' were never acceptable in our discussions. I don't think you need to let this go, but make sure that you are also willing to work on some basic rules for communication. Through a counselor, you can help her learn to see that barking at you because she had a bad day is inexcusable.

BTW- Fathers are allowed to give popsicles when the kids have a hard day. It is our domain. They will be so juiced with energy that they run and spin like a whirling dervish, ulltimately retreating back to a state of exhaustion, and sleeping like a lamb. If mothers learn of this babysitting tactic, we're screwed.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

For the record, I don't see this as a fitness test. This is plain old miscommunication. 

However the subtext of her asking you to get him dinner while she surfs Facebook (you imply something similar, so clarification would be good) is most definitely a fitness test.

More importantly? The subtext here is way beyond a popsicle. She doesn't value or respect you ... at all.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

"I saw a show on how giving kids Popsicles before dinner makes them crave more healthy food during dinner. Google it on your computer biatch."



I give my kids ice pops all the time (whenever) in the summer. We sit on the porch and drip it all over the place and then spray the hose to clean it up. Those small ice pops are only like 50 calories a pop. I don't think it's going to spoil dinner!


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Wrong. Women don't like men who cannot be counted on. Tossing your kid a drink and a popsicle would fall under that category.


Did you never learn anything from Bill Cosby? 

Kids equate popsicles to cooling off. Then, they equate fathers to being cool, like a popsicle. Its only avoiding responsibilites if we're not there to catch them when they're climbing the walls, and they faint from sheer exhaustion. An eight foot fall leaves a mark, you know? That's when we feed them proteins, like tuna, to revive them before the Mom comes home.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

the gender defender is in the house


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

Halien said:


> Of course, I am just joking. Thankfully, I learned that these lines were counter-productive early in the marriage. We agreed that comments like 'stupid' or 'idiot' were never acceptable in our discussions. I don't think you need to let this go, but make sure that you are also willing to work on some basic rules for communication. Through a counselor, you can help her learn to see that barking at you because she had a bad day is inexcusable.


I think this sort of thing is best confronted head-on. As in, "you barking at me because you had a bad day is inexcusable. Now, what's wrong?" In other words correct the bad behavior (the barking) but then go on to treat it as if correct behavior had actually occurred. It's really good to look for the underlying message when you are confronted out of the blue like that, and there are other signs. It helps defuse the anger if you're on the same team.


Halien said:


> "Originally Posted by Therealbrighteyes
> Wrong. Women don't like men who cannot be counted on. Tossing your kid a drink and a popsicle would fall under that category."
> 
> Did you never learn anything from Bill Cosby?
> ...


Excellent way to handle the fitness test by Therealbrighteyes here.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

okay everyone thank you so much for replying. I really didn't mean this to become a reason to fight... I have enough of those, right?

Anyways, just you should get the point, as mr. nice guy in the house I give my kid breakfast almost every morning and also take care of his dinner. So it's not like "I can't be counted on" as some of you are suggesting... its more like bark instead of asking and communicating... 

I am going through a very hard time now. I do try to hold strong and remember all the time not to let her crush me (while not offending her or yelling back but rather stay focused and pretend to be calm as much as you can). She is really surprised by my move and answers to her (till now I used to just "run away").

However, I don't know if it will help her. As I stated many times I feel its not only about me, its much about her not knowing how to do deal with stress. She really needs to go and see someone. My reaction to her will not make her realize that she is in a ditch, but at least I will protect myself which is also something.


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## AbsolutelyFree (Jan 28, 2011)

I suppose I'm still a neophyte when it comes to these things.

I would have said 'Why did I do what?' in a neutral sort of way, as a means of prompting her to repeat herself. Maybe the second time she would remove the harsh language. 

Then I would say something like 'It was important that he had something to drink and cool off first with since he was outside for so long' or whatever.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

joshbjoshb said:


> okay everyone thank you so much for replying. I really didn't mean this to become a reason to fight... I have enough of those, right?
> 
> .


joshb,

It's more like teasing, actually. therealbrighteyes has given very helpful advice in my own understanding of communication issues in my relationship, so I wouldn't want you to think there is more. 

To the issue of the fitness test you outlined in your post, by letting yourself get shut down in earlier conflicts, it becomes much more than just the issue of disrespect. You have a voice in the marriage, and a unique voice in the rearing of your children. For instance, if she tends to focus on the practical needs, like nutrition, but you are big on symbolic gestures like popcicles(while respecting the practical), this combination, if not constrained, can really inspire your children to be well rounded. Maybe through counseling, your wife can see that the two of you should respect each other's unique outlook. On the downside, if not addressed, it leads to a whole host of unhealthy habits. And the kids will see it all.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

You are right! But the problem is she won't hear of counseling... its all part of her being afraid to open up.

This is the way I see it: she is so scared and vulnerable that she is petrified to open up to anyone. She knows she has the issue. We discussed it many times, but still she won't seek help.

After years of talking nice to her and trying to understand, I said no more. Its time for me to stand up and defend myself. For her sake, for the marriage sake and for my kids sake, I hope she seeks help. But if she won't, at least I will still be a person.

Sadly
JOSH


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

joshbjoshb said:


> You are right! But the problem is she won't hear of counseling... its all part of her being afraid to open up.


Get to the bottom of that noise. People who won't open up to anyone aren't healthy. There's no shame in counseling, but I think that might be part of the issue. Maybe you can treat her not going as a fitness test too, and try the usual approaches: agree & amplify, gentle teasing, etc. "Y:Let's go to counseling". "H:No, you know I can't do that." "Y:What's the matter, cat got your tongue? You have no problem telling ME what's wrong  " Delivery in a ****y-funny way is important.

Or "Y: Let's go to counseling." "H: Noooo." "Y: Oh, of course, can't have that. Scary, scary people. Me no talk. Might solve problem." Must avoid the sarcastic tone here but go more for the funny, while pointing out the absurdity of the position. I dunno, maybe a bad idea.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sarcasm generally doesn't make it - unless it's subtle.

Mocking really doesn't make it.

For instance...

"Counseling forces us to face ourselves. I'm confident since we have such weak opponents."


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Sarcasm generally doesn't make it - unless it's subtle.
> 
> Mocking really doesn't make it.
> 
> ...


I like that one. Obviously there is such a stigma about seeking help for mental or emotional challenges that one must tread lightly, and I like bringing in oneself into the discussion for sure.


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