# Jealous Of Brother In Law's Wife



## andrycita71 (Jun 19, 2021)

My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years. We've had numerous ups and downs over the years, mainly due to my husband's controlling behaviour and infidelity. Deep down I am not happily married but accept that I have a husband who keeps a roof over my head and pays the bills. My husband's brother is a very different person to him. Physically they very much look alike, both are handsome men but personality wise they are very different. My brother in law treats his wife like an absolute queen. He owns a business and lavishes his wife with gifts, takes her on amazing holidays, buys her nice cars and clothes, takes her out for nice meals, has bought and renovated a beautiful home for her and her children from a previous relationship and because they can't have anymore children, has even brought her a little family of dogs. He is loyal, never looks at other women, allows her to have friends and a life and career of her own and generally just treats her so well. He is many women's idea of a 'perfect' husband. 

His brother (my husband) on the other hand is the total opposite. I am treated like a glorified cook and cleaner. My husband earns fairly good money but never treats me to anything. We haven't been on a holiday since our honeymoon, I drive a beaten up old car that ironically my ex bought me, he never takes me out for meals and has never bothered to buy us our own home so we have been priced out of the market. We recently 'celebrated' our wedding anniversary. He took me out and expecting to perhaps have a nice meal out somewhere, he stopped off at a petrol station and brought me snacks. This is typical of his behaviour. We have no children between us so he has no one else to spend his money on. 

I know 'money isn't everything' but I see my brother in law treating his wife like a princess and it just makes me feel like crap. I don't expect the sports car or the big house as my husband earns less than his brother. But it would be nice just to feel appreciated sometimes. I was made to give up my career after we married and so I don't have much money of my own. I am unable to afford nice clothes, hair appointments, makeup and manicures like my brother in law's wife. At family occasions I feel terrible. She looks so beautiful and glamorous and I just look like an old bag lady in comparison. She was a struggling single mum before she met my brother in law and everything she has is because of him. And he doesn't begrudge her any of it unlike my husband. He thinks he is doing me a favour by paying the electric bill despite forcing me to give up my career. I see the way my brother in law looks at his wife, how much he adores and loves her and honestly, it eats me up inside. I am not in love with my brother in law before anybody thinks that. But the way he loves and treats his wife is all I ever wanted from an early age. My marriage really hasn't been what I had hoped for or what was promised to me before we married. 

I just feel so disappointed at the way my life and our marriage has panned out. Seeing my brother in law's wife just makes me feel even worse about everything. I know it shouldn't but I can't help it. I know feeling jealous and resentful of his wife is wrong but it has helped writing this and getting this off my chest. I have no one else to confide in. Hoping and open to the universe changing my life for the better and helping me to deal with how I am feeling.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

So why don’t you divorce him? You have no children, he cheats and neglects you. Why stay?


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## andrycita71 (Jun 19, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> So why don’t you divorce him? You have no children, he cheats and neglects you. Why stay?


And go where? I have no friends, no family who can take me in and no money for a home of my own.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

andrycita71 said:


> And go where? I have no friends, no family who can take me in and no money for a home of my own.


Well you will get alimony and can work no?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Excuses and victim speak.

What would you do of he died or divorced you?

Get a job and start standing on your own two feet. A lot of us have done it and so can you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

andrycita71 said:


> And go where? I have no friends, no family who can take me in and no money for a home of my own.


Take up the career you gave up again and earn your own money to get your own place. He sounds awful.
With no children you have plenty of time to work. Get your own back account and save up.
He is trying to keep you trapped.


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## andrycita71 (Jun 19, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Well you will get alimony and can work no?


I am originally from Greece and live in the UK now. The cost of living is very high and I cannot afford to live alone. I also have a disability which really limits the jobs I can physically do now. It sounds awful but I am just at the point now where my husband pays the bills and keeps a roof over my head and I stay for that reason really. I feel I would struggle even more going through life alone.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

andrycita71 said:


> I am originally from Greece and live in the UK now. The cost of living is very high and I cannot afford to live alone. I also have a disability which really limits the jobs I can physically do now. It sounds awful but I am just at the point now where my husband pays the bills and keeps a roof over my head and I stay for that reason really. I feel I would struggle even more going through life alone.


Well then you made your decision and now you will have to make peace with it.


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## andrycita71 (Jun 19, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Well then you made your decision and now you will have to make peace with it.


That is right but is easier said than done. I am working on it. Just writing my thoughts out has helped. I need to work on myself and my marriage. My health has been dealt some very bad blows in the last 2 years and my mental health has been taken down with it also. I can only go up as I have felt at rock bottom recently.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

andrycita71 said:


> My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years. We've had numerous ups and downs over the years, mainly due to my husband's controlling behaviour and infidelity. Deep down I am not happily married but accept that I have a husband who keeps a roof over my head and pays the bills. My husband's brother is a very different person to him. Physically they very much look alike, both are handsome men but personality wise they are very different. My brother in law treats his wife like an absolute queen. He owns a business and lavishes his wife with gifts, takes her on amazing holidays, buys her nice cars and clothes, takes her out for nice meals, has bought and renovated a beautiful home for her and her children from a previous relationship and because they can't have anymore children, has even brought her a little family of dogs. He is loyal, never looks at other women, allows her to have friends and a life and career of her own and generally just treats her so well. He is many women's idea of a 'perfect' husband.
> 
> His brother (my husband) on the other hand is the total opposite. I am treated like a glorified cook and cleaner. My husband earns fairly good money but never treats me to anything. We haven't been on a holiday since our honeymoon, I drive a beaten up old car that ironically my ex bought me, he never takes me out for meals and has never bothered to buy us our own home so we have been priced out of the market. We recently 'celebrated' our wedding anniversary. He took me out and expecting to perhaps have a nice meal out somewhere, he stopped off at a petrol station and brought me snacks. This is typical of his behaviour. We have no children between us so he has no one else to spend his money on.
> 
> ...


Does his family/his brother and his wife see how he treats you? Have they ever commented on it?


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

andrycita71 said:


> That is right but is easier said than done. I am working on it. Just writing my thoughts out has helped. I need to work on myself and my marriage. My health has been dealt some very bad blows in the last 2 years and my mental health has been taken down with it also. I can only go up as I have felt at rock bottom recently.


You absolutely have to focus on yourself. Any type of self improvement would be beneficial.


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## andrycita71 (Jun 19, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Take up the career you gave up again and earn your own money to get your own place. He sounds awful.
> With no children you have plenty of time to work. Get your own back account and save up.
> He is trying to keep you trapped.


Two years ago I was diagnosed with a brain tumour and I have subsequent health issues which causes problems both physically and mentally. My former career in retail management is no longer an option. I have a job working from home but it doesn't pay all that much, it is all spent on food and bills so I cannot save. I am trying to find a better paid job from home but is proving difficult. I would like to retrain in a new career I can work from home but cannot afford course fees at the moment.


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## andrycita71 (Jun 19, 2021)

GC1234 said:


> Does his family/his brother and his wife see how he treats you? Have they ever commented on it?


I do not have a good relationship with his family. They are aware of certain things that have happened in our marriage but blamed me. His family believe that I drove him to cheat by working long hours and being away from the home too much when I had a career.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

andrycita71 said:


> Two years ago I was diagnosed with a brain tumour and I have subsequent health issues which causes problems both physically and mentally. My former career in retail management is no longer an option. I have a job working from home but it doesn't pay all that much, it is all spent on food and bills so I cannot save. I am trying to find a better paid job from home but is proving difficult. I would like to retrain in a new career I can work from home but cannot afford course fees at the moment.


Why are you spending the money your earn on food and bills if you are in charge of all the cooking and cleaning at home, and he makes good money? Save your money! Let your husband assume all the financial responsibility since you are staying at home. Inquire about your options if you divorce. Consult with a family attorney. You will see that your husband has to pay you alimony and you won't be left penniless. Also you can be entitled to some sort of payment from the government if you have a disability. Inform yourself and don't accept to be treated so poorly by him.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You have accepted what you think you deserve. It sounds like you chose the role of housekeeper with a husband that is paying the bills. You could probably make a better life for yourself if you chose to get rid of that role and work and at least be partially financially responsible in a partnership. You could pamper yourself if it came down to that if you were making your own money. 

If you want something different for yourself, then become something different. It's unlikely you're going to find some guy who will just lavish you like is your perception of the brother-in-law because that's not really normal. But I guess if you're comfortable with that sort of power imbalance where one person is taking and the other is giving, you could always marry someone who had a little money but was far below you on the attractiveness scale. 

I just think putting forth a little effort to be responsible for yourself and independent to at least an extent is everybody's best option because that builds self-esteem and self worth and is fulfilling and contributes to a more balanced relationship.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I am also in the UK. If you have a disability you should qualify for disability benefits and if you leave they may help find you a place to live. There are all sorts of benefits you 
can apply for.
Try and find out more. You can go to a citizens advice bureau. 
Also as people have said you should get spousal alimony, get some legal advice. 
Do you have family back home?


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

> Why are you spending the money your earn on food and bills if you are in charge of all the cooking and cleaning at home, and he makes good money?


Sounds like you two are just roommates.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

coquille said:


> Why are you spending the money your earn on food and bills if you are in charge of all the cooking and cleaning at home, and he makes good money? Save your money! Let your husband assume all the financial responsibility since you are staying at home. Inquire about your options if you divorce. Consult with a family attorney. You will see that your husband has to pay you alimony and you won't be left penniless. Also you can be entitled to some sort of payment from the government if you have a disability. Inform yourself and don't accept to be treated so poorly by him.


OP is in the UK, I don't believe they have alimony there, Australia doesn't either. It's only the US that does, which is crazy. In extremely rare, extenuating circumstances here in Australia, spousal support MAY be granted short term, _maybe_ 6 months but that's it.

OP you're just making excuses, no one forced you to give up your career, you may have been pressured I understand, but the choice was yours to make. Take your power back and stop putting up with this treatment.

There are loads of options available to you, but you have to look for them.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

OP what do you contribute to the marriage? What do you do for your husband? Are you meeting all his expectations? 

You have very high expectations of material things and how you expect to be treated but you must understand marriage is give as much as get. When I read you have no friends and don't get along with his family I have to wonder why. 

Maybe your husband is just an ass, or maybe he has become resentful over things. Have you asked him why he doesn't treat you better?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

frusdil said:


> OP is in the UK, I don't believe they have alimony there, Australia doesn't either. It's only the US that does, which is crazy. In extremely rare, extenuating circumstances here in Australia, spousal support MAY be granted short term, _maybe_ 6 months but that's it.
> 
> OP you're just making excuses, no one forced you to give up your career, you may have been pressured I understand, but the choice was yours to make. Take your power back and stop putting up with this treatment.
> 
> There are loads of options available to you, but you have to look for them.


You can have spousal support especially if there are children. It all depends on the circumstances and what is agreed on.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You have no idea what’s going on for her behind closed doors.

Many times the wonderful guy that everyone thinks is the wonderful guy is a monster to his wife when no-one’s looking or he’s hiding all kinds of secrets.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

andrycita71 said:


> I do not have a good relationship with his family. They are aware of certain things that have happened in our marriage but blamed me. His family believe that I drove him to cheat by working long hours and being away from the home too much when I had a career.


I can understand now why you don't have a good relationship with them. Must make things hard and strain things further. I'm sorry for you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

What is your prognosis?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

When you say ‘made’ to give up your career, was it covert? So in other words, he didn’t actually come out and say it, he made it known in other ways that he had to come first? Any sabotage or competition in your marriage?

So at the moment, you are very unhappy, and understandably so. Tell me, how has your husband behaved when you have been successful, confident, loving and kind and generous to him? Did he love to see you happy and thriving? Or did he find small ways to divert you from this path? 

Let’s put the sister-in-law aside - I’m trying to get a picture of how your marriage would be if you were to start looking and feeling good? I understand money is an issue, but let’s say you were to start taking care of your appearance (this doesn’t have to cost money). And faking it til you make it - so being happy instead of miserable, grateful instead of thinking about what you don’t have. So when he’s at work for instance, and he calls or texts you - while you may be dying on the inside, you tell him you went for a one-hour walk and feel amazing. You blow-dry your hair instead of just tying it back. You started to wear lipstick… what would this feel like for you?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> You can have spousal support especially if there are children. It all depends on the circumstances and what is agreed on.


Child support or spousal support?


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## Fixer (Jun 20, 2021)

andrycita71 said:


> My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years. We've had numerous ups and downs over the years, mainly due to my husband's controlling behaviour and infidelity. Deep down I am not happily married but accept that I have a husband who keeps a roof over my head and pays the bills. My husband's brother is a very different person to him. Physically they very much look alike, both are handsome men but personality wise they are very different. My brother in law treats his wife like an absolute queen. He owns a business and lavishes his wife with gifts, takes her on amazing holidays, buys her nice cars and clothes, takes her out for nice meals, has bought and renovated a beautiful home for her and her children from a previous relationship and because they can't have anymore children, has even brought her a little family of dogs. He is loyal, never looks at other women, allows her to have friends and a life and career of her own and generally just treats her so well. He is many women's idea of a 'perfect' husband.
> 
> His brother (my husband) on the other hand is the total opposite. I am treated like a glorified cook and cleaner. My husband earns fairly good money but never treats me to anything. We haven't been on a holiday since our honeymoon, I drive a beaten up old car that ironically my ex bought me, he never takes me out for meals and has never bothered to buy us our own home so we have been priced out of the market. We recently 'celebrated' our wedding anniversary. He took me out and expecting to perhaps have a nice meal out somewhere, he stopped off at a petrol station and brought me snacks. This is typical of his behaviour. We have no children between us so he has no one else to spend his money on.
> 
> ...


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## Fixer (Jun 20, 2021)

This is coming from a man- Men are visual, primitive creatures. If you want to change him, be attractive. Try to wear what he likes, fix your hair, wear makeup at home, increase intimacy, try new stuff and be assertive in bed, fake orgasms if necessary, look after your shape - then after passionate sex convey your needs to him. But in a rational, unemotional, understandable, direct manner. He got used to treating you like a commodity, you can change this by making yourself more attractive. Introducing a bit of competition can help, but can also ruin things, so be careful with that. Generally only a major shake up can improve things though. But never ever punish him by refusing sex, because this will push him further away.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

andrycita71 said:


> It sounds awful but I am just at the point now where my husband pays the bills and keeps a roof over my head and I stay for that reason really.


If you're going to stay no matter what then I suggest working on yourself as well as the marriage.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

andrycita71 said:


> Seeing my brother in law's wife just makes me feel even worse about everything. I know it shouldn't but I can't help it. I know feeling jealous and resentful of his wife is wrong


We are responsible for what we do and say, but not how we feel. You haven't done or said anything wrong, so you have nothing to apologize for.


> but it has helped writing this and getting this off my chest. I have no one else to confide in.


I wish we could make your H appreciate you, but since this is all we can do, we are glad it helps.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

andrycita71 said:


> And go where? I have no friends, no family who can take me in and no money for a home of my own.


Is there a trusted neighbour that you can go to? Do you belong to a church? Maybe someone there can help? A women's shelter? And if you're able to still work, you find a job and make your own money. If he's pulling in a decent wage, and you aren't working, he would have to support you with spousal support. There's no way that I would stay with someone who cheats, neglects and controls me.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

frusdil said:


> Child support or spousal support?


Both.


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## CupCake522 (Mar 24, 2013)

andrycita71 said:


> My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years. We've had numerous ups and downs over the years, mainly due to my husband's controlling behaviour and infidelity. Deep down I am not happily married but accept that I have a husband who keeps a roof over my head and pays the bills. My husband's brother is a very different person to him. Physically they very much look alike, both are handsome men but personality wise they are very different. My brother in law treats his wife like an absolute queen. He owns a business and lavishes his wife with gifts, takes her on amazing holidays, buys her nice cars and clothes, takes her out for nice meals, has bought and renovated a beautiful home for her and her children from a previous relationship and because they can't have anymore children, has even brought her a little family of dogs. He is loyal, never looks at other women, allows her to have friends and a life and career of her own and generally just treats her so well. He is many women's idea of a 'perfect' husband.
> 
> His brother (my husband) on the other hand is the total opposite. I am treated like a glorified cook and cleaner. My husband earns fairly good money but never treats me to anything. We haven't been on a holiday since our honeymoon, I drive a beaten up old car that ironically my ex bought me, he never takes me out for meals and has never bothered to buy us our own home so we have been priced out of the market. We recently 'celebrated' our wedding anniversary. He took me out and expecting to perhaps have a nice meal out somewhere, he stopped off at a petrol station and brought me snacks. This is typical of his behaviour. We have no children between us so he has no one else to spend his money on.
> 
> ...


I’m sorry that you are experiencing this perhaps you can take online classes for new job and prepare for your new future .Continue writing your thoughts down it helps .


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