# how do I move forward?!



## tomtom80 (Dec 29, 2009)

Hi All,

Some of you may be familiar with my "story" as I posted on the relationship forum on this site a few weeks ago, when I still h held out some hope!

Unfortunately the hope is now gone and my wife has left me and taken the children. Below is a very brief (as I could write pages and pages) description of what has happened..

Just before Xmas (16 December) my wife told me that she loved me but was no longer "in love" with me... We had had our problems, but nothing major, we have 2 beautiful children aged 2 and 4 and have been married for 3 years this April. We had thrown ourselves at our lives, renovating the hoouse we lived in together, by ourselves, putting all energys and efforts in to the kids, money stresses etc.. Familiar story I guess - We were happy and had built up stabilty and a string family together. Over teh past year or so we have become quite emotionally and physically distant and my wife has had other fanily issues going on with her parents etc which have taken their toll. Earlier last year she recieved counselling for these issues and for her OCD behaviour which made her very irrational and difficult to get on with. She also went on Anti-depressants about a year ago, which calmed her down, but I think have also contributed to us becoming distant as she has been less interested in me.

I was devastated when she said she wanted to leave so I tried everythingt o persuade her etc and show her that it was workable - She was not interested.

It later became apparant that she has ben having an EA (at least) with another man, but I am pretty certain they do have other plans together for the future.... so this again frustrated me as she could not see how this relationship had affected her decision etc....

We went to counselling with RELATE and it was useless, my wife refused to work at it and teh counsellor completely took her side and it was not the "balanced" "fair" discussion that I thought marriage counselling was supposed to be.

Things got better in the house for a tim, as I backed off and tried to just get on with her for teh childrens sakes, but the more I gave the more she took, she was out all the time, said she couldnt stand my company etc... I am not a horrible man and I still deeply care for her, so the lonely feeling inside this left me with was devastating.

The weekedn before last I was cleaning the car when I found some paprwork, with her solicator documents, logs on me and a tennancy agreement for a rented property. When we tlked about it, it quickly esculated and she claimed she was going in 2-4 weeks and she wasnt going to tell me as she was worreid I'd stop her and take her to court for the children. She refused to tell me exactly when she was going and said that she would no longer pay towards our joint mortgage - I cant really afford it on my own!

I was torn apart, I now knew what she had been secretly planning and someone hd obviosly been giving her money to do all this with a new house (grandparents?) I had no idea when she was going and so wouldnt be able to "say goodbye" to my children.

I am a very very involved dad, I doeverything I can for my kids and I am very hands on - Every night I put them both to bed and bath them and I adore them so much. Any days apart from them just seem so so painful and wasted.

After our argument about the house etc I went out, on returneing home she had gonem taken possessions, the children and gone to stay at her parents.

This is where I find myself now - I am seeing my children - They stayed back with me in the family home the weekend just gone and it ws so nice and they loved being back home. The questions that my 4 year old is asking me are so upsetting and its so hard to give him answers, but I do my best. The weekend that she left I can truely say was the lowest point in my life and I dont know how I am still here as I didnt wantto be at the time.

I am still in pieces, hence posting on here, but am trying to remain positive.

Iknow its over now, but I wonder if at some point in the future she may regret it all and want to try again - I'm not sure I'd take her bac with open arms, but I'd love to work at things and find out whats gone on in her head.. Am I wrong for this? and does this ever happen? 

I also found some tapes in the house recently which are recordings of some sessions shes been to with a spiratualist- the lastest one was during all of this crisis just after she told me before xmas - The spiratualst tels her Im nasty and she needs to leave me etc etc and basically tells her how to do it, also puts loads of thinsg in her head, that her dead grandad is in the room and says that Ive cheated on her - which I havent!! Also meentions other man and wife adits that she has plans with him.. I nearly threw up listening to it!

My wife is very easily manipluated by tehse things and does beleive in them, she also has problems with self image etc and always have (her previous relationship was abusive).,. our relatiionship as the opposite, I'd do anything for her at the drop of a hat.

I am seriously concerned that although she obviuosly felt bad about our relationship, as I have at times, I worry that influences such as this man, the spiratualist, teh fact that she has turned to "friends" that she didnt like before and are morally opposite to us etc.. The factthat suring all of this she decided it would be a good idea to come off of her anti-depressants!?

If she is "unwell" mentally - not to the point of being CRAZY, but to the point that she is acting on some very strange things and her mind is all over the place, she has had so many issues in the past and when I look back at her behaviour I can see that a crisis was coming....

I sound crazy myself I know, but I want my family back.. I know in the short term his is not possible as it has gone far to far.. but how/what/when can I regain any control of my life and will she ever see any sense ever again.

Tom


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

tomtom80 said:


> Hi All,
> 
> Some of you may be familiar with my "story" as I posted on the relationship forum on this site a few weeks ago, when I still h held out some hope!
> 
> ...


"
sorry u r going through this but couldn't help laughing after reading *" basically tells her how to do it, also puts loads of thinsg in her head, that her dead grandad is in the room and says that Ive cheated on her ...- "* 

so u r absolutely right she's unwell mentally the only solution is to get help from some genuine therapist who can try to clear things she has in mind.

Best of luck


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## Inturmoil (Sep 22, 2009)

I am sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds similar to many on here. Of course everyone's is a little unique but the general don't love you anymore, moving out, irrational thoughts/actions. It's good you are staying in the house....now you need to work on getting those kids back. This site has helped me a lot to get past where you are now but I would recommend going to DadsDivorce - Information and resources about divorce, alimony, child support and child custody for fathers at any stage of divorce. Read through the forums and start getting your things in order...sounds like your wife already has. Feel free to PM me if you would like to talk or have any questions. Good luck and God bless!


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## tomtom80 (Dec 29, 2009)

Thanks for the replies so far.. I seem to be going through monumental lows and then really high rush feelings like nothing can stop me, but when I feel this way I feel ultra guilty as by no means do I feel positive really about al this, it is bizarre and I'm finding the whole rollercoaster hard to deal with.

Its not "just" that my wife left me and took my children, its the manner in which she did it and the fact that she just keeps doing things to me that make it so much harder. She is treating me like I'm the one who foudn someone else and I'm the one who is being evil etc.. I really find this hard to get my head around. Bad enough she wanted to walk out of what was a very settled, secure, happy life in the grand scheme of things, but the salt in the wound is that her personality has flipped and she is just this new person that seems to have been put here to destroy and hurt me.

I really do want to see teh children as often as possible and based on here behaviour and history I think once this all settles down she will realise what she has done and how far fom her "ideal" life it is and have some kind of breakdown.. I am concerned for my children, but the law in the UK seems to favour women in every sense, even when the Dad (like me) is a good dad and has played by the rules.

It is good to be able to vent on here - so thank you, I really do need support right now


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Hey tomtom.

I can only say "Hang in there". You'll come through on the other side. No doubt you have some sh*t to go through.

Wishing you the best!


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## tomtom80 (Dec 29, 2009)

Hi,

Thought I'd come on here and post an update as I'm feeling quite low today and it helps to get it out on here!

Well, the rollercoaster just continues! I went home for lunch to my house on Tuesday, unplanned as since my wife moved out with the children I rarely go home for lunch as there is no one there to see (the children). BUt I had an appointment with a mortgage consultant to talk through my future options.

On returning home I found my wifes friend and my wife in my house, they had broken in (with the help of a lock smith) and had taken considerable amounts of furniture and other possessions.

The house and property is jointly owned so legaly I could do nothing about it and she knew that. But it was teh manner in whcih she did it. When I got angrey and asked her why she was doing this now as she doesnt need the stuf yet as she is surrently living with parenst for a few more weeks.. she just alughed at me, literally laughed in my face. Also, the furniture etc that was taken leaves an "empty shell of a house which is still the home for my children. They are coming to stay with me regularly and when they do stay they say they dont wantto leave, which is natural as it has always been their home. But she has just torn the heart out of teh home and left their rooms etc upside down basically. The following night the children were staying with me so I couldnt leave the house in this state for them so I went out and bought new funiture for their rooms etc so the house was more welcoming. But I coudlnt afford a new kitchen table and so fo now we have no where to sit to eat when they come over, whic is sickening.

I have tried to be reasonable all the way through this mess that she has created and it seems the more reasonable I am the more evil she becomes, she treats me like Im the one that has gone out and destroyed her life and is having an affair, when all Ive done is care and love and cherish her and my family.

Whilst raiding y house, she had my fdaughter (2 years old) and her friends daughter (4 years old) with her, which I found totally innappropriate. Her frined was verbally abusive to me, but I expect neother less from her, as she is a low life t hat nobody likes, even my wife didnt like her right up until she deciddd she didnt wantto be with me anymore and only tolerated her as a "friend" - but now they are like joined at the hip - It is totally bizarre. This friend has 2 children by 2 differnt dads, the second she got with just to et pregnant and they destroyed him by leaving him soon after, se is a nasty piece of work that claims ever state benefit going and really my wifes opposite in terms of morals etc.. however now they have become so alike - why is this!

In my anger I told my wife that enough was enough and that I was taking her to court for full custody of teh children as I feel and have evidence that she is mentally unstable and shouldnt be the main carer for them. She ust laughed again at me, until i mentinoed to her the tapes I have of her at her "spiritualist" reading.. She flipped asking where they were etc.. I just said We'll see what the doctors have to say about them and I walked off.

I then looked out the window of my house and saw her on her mobile phone talking to her friend who was parked in her car on the opposite side of the road and they were laughing togteher... Seriously i was/still am in disbelief at this behaviour.

I informed my solicitor and a very firm letter was sent to hers stating that we were begining proceedings to go to court.

Once I stopped shaking etc I had a nice evenig with my children the following night and felt more positive as I always do when Im with them.

Then..yesterday, things changed.. My wife became reasonable, she sent me a text out of the blue, which she never does anymore, saying"thank you for being reasonable and nice to me when we handed the children over earlier"... and then another one saying she had reconsidered her options for child maintenance and sgreed with my stance on it.. and then another saying she had been thinking about my proposal that on my weekends with the children I get them one extra night, on the sunday and she now agreed with this - This is something that she was dead set against but I really wanted as it made more sense for teh children and both of us for them to stay and be settled...

This sudden change in behaviour has me baffled and confused. Was it the solictitor letter? was it that her parents are back from their holidays now and living with her, so they are talking to her? Who knows, but I dont know how to take it.

Today, I feel very low again, I wont see my children now until next Wednesday which is the longest ever and I really dont know how to cope, it makes me feel so so sad! I also keep thinking about my wife and this other man and picturing them together etc.. Pus its valentines this weekend and its the whole dilema of card or not to card, how do I get past thinking about her and him doing stuff on valentines and our previous valentines together. I hear adverts on the radio for romantic weekends away and nice things you can do for valentines and I thinkk "I wish we were together and I could treat her to something just like that, it woul[d be so special"... It just hurts so much. All she has done to me, I couldnt take her straight back right now, and I doubt she would anyway, she is starting ehr new life.. But I have this feeling inside that secretly hopes that her and this man wil fail and that her new life will be so hard etc that she will regret it and maybe mopnth, years down the line she will want back in with me, and we can start afresh but stronger etc..

I dunno I sound ridiculous and I know these thoughts arent healthy and arent gonna happen.. but this is my emotional rollercoaster Im stuck on, sometimes I couldnt care less what she does and I feel on top of the world, but then bang I come crashing down.

how long do you think affairs of this type last - I know it is a heavily involved EA at least, but I suspect it is more by now. He has a daughter and recently split with his wife too.. surely it is justa big mess waitingto happen. I guess I ask this because although my wife and myself were drifting apart emotionally, what we had in every other respect is what we both wanted and we really did have so so much and so many good times. Knowing what I know about her mental state and her past, what she is being right now isnt her, or what she would want to be, but if/when she reverts back to her normal rational self, will she ever consider coming back?!

Dont get me wrong Im going to rebuild my life for me and my children without her in mind.. But secretly somewhere inside I hold on to some stupid hope of a light being turned on in her brain


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

How old is your wife if you don't mind answering? My wife of almost two years is acting like that and this year she turns 30 and I know she has been focusing on that number a lot. My wife is having some type of affair. I know she knows she is wrong because the night she left she begged for me to hit her (where the hell that came from i dunno). I am baffled over all of this as well as her mom and her friends. Just like with your wife my wife is only confiding in those she works with . Those 3 women are probably the last ones to give ANYONE any advice. My wife has become furious and angry with me and there is no rhyme/reason behind her actions. All you or I can do is pray and love them from a far. This will get easier day by day. I held strong for about week and a half and then finally broke down in tears. My wife had me going on the whole divorce thought but I remembered my vows and I told her I couldn't do it. Let's just say now she is highly pissed. Love her and pray for her. Focus on your children and you. It is like these women are crazed in the decisions. Secretly I want my wife back also but every day that goes by I see the hurt left from her path. Today I am going to focus on me and pray for everyone involved.

Btw don't beat yourself up thinking you did something to cause this , cause you didn't. As I said my wife wanted a reason to leave and I don't know why. I worked and went to school just cause of her. I've been burning the candle from both ends and now I am just a tired , young man lol. Keep faith that your sticking to your vows and she is your world but you aren't hers. But you got to let her do what she wants to do. You can try to interject yourself but your just going to get hurt in the process because right now she doesn't care at all. Anyways I'll say a prayer for you too.


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## tomtom80 (Dec 29, 2009)

Hey - So it continues, the highs and lows, well more lows at moment, just dull ahces.

Valentines Day.. Wow I'll be glad when its over. I actually sent my wife a card in the end, not a valentines one, just a plain one with nice picture on it with a simple poem that I wrote in it about how we hurt the people we love the most etc. I posted it through the door of her new house last night. She hasnt moved in yet as she is still staying at her parents. She is going there daily though to get it all readyto move in.

I also sent her a text this morning along similar lines...She has been in contact alot lately, since her madness breaking into my place earlier last week, she has completely flipped her charahter again and is now really nice and calm and so easy to talk to, we are actually getting on loads when we talk - Mainly about practical things, but there is some respoect there when we talk about issues etc.. most openand relaxed we have been in a long long time even before all this. Kind of suspicious though as her attitute has changed since my solicitor sent her a very firm letter.. putting her in her place and making her realise what will happen if she doesnt start being more reasonable.

That said, it is nice to be getting in and have more normal, regular contact with her. She inviited me round to see h er new house today and the children.. which I accepted, and it was fine, I helped with a couple things.. but it all seems so surreal. It is a 12 month lease so she is there for at least a year... And the other man is in the background, she has promised that he will not be involved with the children for a long time and she denies that they have been physical... 

My only hope is really that she will see that I am a good man and reasonable and maybe this whole thing with her living alone etc will trigger her to realise what she has done.. but what hope is this? Will she come to her senses if I show I am positive and have moved on and I am nice to her etc...

I really really miss her, even though she has totally destroyed me... I really wishh that months down the line she will want to come back... 

Does this ever happen? I am moving my life forward without her now, but deep inside I hope she jumps back on... is this normal?

What are the chances? I want te other person thing to go away but I cant force that, and have to bide my time and hope/pray that it does. 

ahhhhhhhhhh so painful


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