# Dewayne76's Journal pt 2



## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

It's much longer than original because of more detail and it's been a while, have more details. 

Together 11 years. 
Married 6 years. 
3 yo daughter. 
I'm 8 years older. 
Got together when she was 17. 
She served me papers 4 or 5 years ago. Was back in 2 weeks. 
Had daughter shortly afterwards. 

We started a haunt business. Sold house and 2 hot rods to do this. Could've really made some good money. But flopped because of the affair etc. 

Me: I had an abusive father. Learned to talk bad to my wife and had an anger problem. I use to be really bad when we first got together but made major improvements. I still needed improvement but she said she was happy with me. 

Her: She lost her mother to cancer when she was only 5 or 6. Her daddy was old enough to be her grandpa and her brothers could be her daddy. Didn't have any close siblings when she was a kid. Father didn't know how to take care of her. Cut her hair like a boys because he didn't know what to do. I took her to Belk's after being together for a while to help her get lessons on how to put make up on properly etc. She wore make up, on occasions but wasn't great at it. 

In a sense, you could say we "rescued" each other. We fell in love before I realized how old she was... or young I should say. We agreed to work through it. 

Back to the haunt. Before we sold our property I pulled her to the side and said "Before we do this, are you happy with me and our marriage? We have to make sure everything's 100% before continuing, or at least let me know what we will need to work on during this process" She said "I couldn't be happier with you and our marriage. We have a beautiful daughter and as far as you're concerned, you've SO MUCH better than you use to be. Yes, I'm happy" 

July we got actors and volunteers. Among them a 19 and 20 yo. They started hanging out. They were huggers, hugged me, my brother.. everyone. They were cool. They flirted with the wife. Made her feel good but after a talk, everyone was understanding SHE IS MY WIFE! They agreed to back off a bit and apologized. Seemed like it was under control. It wasn't hard flirting. Shortly after a young girl showed up. She was hot. She flirted with me and I flirted with her. 2 weeks later I realized what was going on and I talked to my wife. Told her we needed to stop the flirting before it got out of hand. She agreed. I stopped flirting with the girl, however she only stopped hugging etc when I wasn't there. 

I had realized how much I loved my wife. Was looking at her in a new light again. I started flirting with her as well and it took, but she didn't stop hanging with them so much. Like, when we were all playing games, when the boys woudl go smoke outside, she'd sometimes go with them. Not a lot, just sometimes. It got worse and worse. One night I was angry, was wanting to tell her how I was feeling about her and wanted to make sure she knew everything going on. She agreed to meet in her office, she never showed. I go outside,... yeup. She was hanging with them outside again. 

She came inside, asked me what was up and I told her I had been waiting on her for 40 min's and she never showed up. We had a fight. In it I got scared and said (like a dumbazz) "maybe we should just divorce" ... I immediately apologized but she said "Maybe that's not such a bad idea" So I started sleeping in the theater. Boys started going home after work. 

One night, my SIL woke me up. Found my kid roaming the halls yelling for mommy and daddy. She was gone. Pants were in floor of bedroom with keys in them. Left her purse too. Truck and hearse was outside, she did not drive. I go to the boy's house... there's a lot of girls and guys there. I watched OM's bedroom door for 20 min's through the front door before knocking. I kicked in bedroom door and he's passed out on the bed, naked with a pillow over his crotch. She was in the closet (no door on closet but had to walk around the desk to see her)
She held her head down in shame. 

This was supposedly the 2nd time. And no more. She broke one day, Monday and told me everything. She said she wanted to be loved etc. Said she wanted to work on "us" Made love Mon. night, she got off twice, said it was great (and it was) but declined each day until Sat. Sat. i was back in the theater. Sometime in this area she gave me the ILYBNILWY speach. Except her was "I love you, but not like that anymore"

She asked for Divorce on Oct. 18th, the day we got marriage license and Paid the lawyer on Halloween, the day we celebrated. She'd supposedly cut all contact with OM outside of seeing him at the haunt. Running the Haunt was pure heII! Was like I dropped off the face of the earth, no memories whatsoever of our past life. She was a completely different person. 

I have papers now. Just need signed. She's been asking lately if I'd signed them. Weeks ago, I was up at her work at the theater. (she lost her legal secretary job, blamed it on me too, but is false, not my fault) She said "have you seen me at work? I'm HAPPY now. I don't need you, I don't want you. I dont' want a life with you anymore. I don't want to be married anymore, I feel trapped with you" 

After sleeping in my truck for 2 weeks I moved in with a friend. She later moved in with her brother. During these times she'd pick up the kiddo or drop her off and she'd still say "I love you, talk to you later" 
Last night she picked up our Kiddo, Jordan aka JoJo. I sat out in the freezing rain and talked to her for about an hour. A real conversation. She mentioned she can't move forward while this shadow is over her head (all the problems, the past, the cheating, the divorce... all of it) She said we can possibly date and pick up again but wants a new and better life. But can't move forward until the D is done and see if the shadow is gone. I have no evidence of proof of any kind that she's seeing anyone else. She has been working 2 jobs and her bro's can vouch that she's been going to church and sleeping at their house. We're pretty symbolic type people, this Cutting ties thing with a Divorce could be possible, but I'm not holding out for it anymore. 

It's been very tough. I've been WAY UP and WAY DOWN too many times. I bawled for weeks. I am codependant, or was. Working hard on it now. I have hit the angry stage 3 times and I think I'm out of it now. I feel healed. I'm now accepting and trying to live my life for me and my daughter as best I can. I've accepted the Holidays are just gonna suck as far as wanting a full family together thing, but we'll be fine just JoJo and me


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Tried to sum up all the story the best I could. 

I had been on TAM during the middle of this, but couldn't impliment the 180 as well as I should've It was working, now that I look back, but since she wasn't snapping out of things, I was upset. Little changes are big changes.

What did I learn? 

Going Dark: Same as 180. Isn't meant for getting them back. I don't recommend unless you want to completely let go and try to heal. 

The 180: You're going to be looking for changes while doing so, it's wrong, it's suppose to be for YOU, but since you're going to be looking for changes; Little Changes are Big Changes! Keep that in mind. Hopefully you'll get to where the 180 is all about you instead. 

Roller Coaster rides SUUUCK! 

I'm not alone in this. We're never alone in these situations. That's why we have TAM here. We're a network of support for one another.

Time is of essence: For healing for one and you have to become aware of time. When you're hurting and scared to death, these days feel like weeks, and weeks as months. Try to learn to CALM DOWN and take things slower! Everything's RUSH RUSH RUSH when you're "here"

Also, Watch what they DO! Not what they say. Should really be implemented in the 180 program! It says "Believe NOTHING of what they say and < 50% of what you see"


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Meant to share earlier. 

Last nights conversation, she mentioned she still wasn't happy. She hasn't been acting happy either for the last few times. I kinda feel she's spiraling down now. I know she's been working a lot, she's been very tired and not as cheery. I don't wish her pain anymore. I want her to be happy. 

I haven't followed her anymore. I don't ask what she's been up to. I don't care really anymore. 

Christmas gifts. As I stated on another thread, she said she and jojo got me a gift. She told me last night it was "From the heart" I asked "are we buying for each other or not?" She said "I figured we'd just buy for our daughter" So I'm going to try and take one of her gifts back and not give her the one I made. (custom, multi picture frame with photoshopped pics of her mother and father)


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

I stopped reading my books. I realized earlier that I haven't really read through them much. No money so can't just go buy another one. 

I've read through all of them and I'm not gaining any new info, however, re-reading things helps keeps certain things on the mind. 

Also realized there are so many different responses on here. Sam scanarios and some people are saying "Sign the papers, give her what she wants" etc.. and some are saying " If you don't want to sign them, don't" So, I guess I've learned you have to read things with a grain of salt and make your mind up for yourself. 

I'm feeling ok at the moment. I got bored earlier and decided to post this thread. I had some of it on notepad and just copied / paste. 

I can't have my kid here for more than a day or two at a time. 2 bachelors with 2 different shifts in a small house. Almost always someone sleeping. Don't want to plss anyone off. 

She texted me last night about an hour or so after she left. First time ever really that wasn't about business. I didn't get it till 11 pm or so but I replied. 

Sold my projector. I'll get to make another truck payment and get christmas. Fixing to xfer the money over. Not sure what to do about Christmas, I don't know if I want to go to my mom's or not. I figure everyone will be there but my dad and my stbx. Would be good for Jordan to go, at least sometime. Stbx said she'll probably have to be working christmas between her 2 jobs, both are open Christmas day.


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

Dewayne, 

I think I've been following your story since about day one of mine. I feel for you brother and I know you struggle with many of the same things I do. 

This is all good information and thank you for sharing it. 

I especially agree with the bit about going dark. That is what I'm doing now (aside from "business" emails/texts) and I live two states away now (not bad considering this all started in late oct). I'm 99.9% sure that going dark has a negative effect on any chance of a R. My stbxw is getting that I am pulling away and I think the reaction from them is the same. 

Also on the 180, you are correct. Almost everyone I've seen who does the 180 starts it with the intention of winning the stbx back.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

Right here with you brother, right here with you


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Last night the stbx txted to see if I wanted to talk to JoJo, said she was asking for daddy. So I said yeah, and she called. She immediately gave the phone to JoJo. We talked about for about 5 min's or so. Then mommy took the phone. Said a few words and was about to get off the phone. Then she chatted a bit more, maybe 2/3 min's. Then we got off the phone. Even the chatting was about JoJo.

So then as I get in here, a few min's ago she calls. "My car (hearse) broke down again, it won't even try to turn over and it's smoking really bad. I'm stuck in the middle of the road". I start to look up Tow companies and said "I found 2 tow companies" she sounded aggravated and said "I'll call my SIL Marsha" 

I feel bad, but she's wanting to cut me out of her life, why should I help? She was nice about things, but eh. I probably was the first one she called, AND she's less than a mile from my place and it's cold. 

Just one of those situations... not sure what to do tbh. I'm not gonna laugh at her or her situation, by any means, but she's cutting me loose, why should I be responsible to help? I mean it's not so cold that she'll freeze while sitting in the car, but still.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> Last night the stbx txted to see if I wanted to talk to JoJo, said she was asking for daddy. So I said yeah, and she called. She immediately gave the phone to JoJo. We talked about for about 5 min's or so. Then mommy took the phone. Said a few words and was about to get off the phone. Then she chatted a bit more, maybe 2/3 min's. Then we got off the phone. Even the chatting was about JoJo.
> 
> So then as I get in here, a few min's ago she calls. "My car (hearse) broke down again, it won't even try to turn over and it's smoking really bad. I'm stuck in the middle of the road". I start to look up Tow companies and said "I found 2 tow companies" *she sounded aggravated* and said "I'll call my SIL Marsha"
> 
> ...


Firstly about the phone conversation (with your daughter).

Good on you for taking the call with your daughter, knowing you'd probably have to at least hear your exes voice for a bit.

As for you about to hang up and she chatted a bit more.

This is where you need to solidify *you*.

You have the power to say "Okay, bye" and hang up, no need to listen to her talk if YOU don't want to.

Secondly, the phone conversation (about the vehicle).

If you were going to do anything, and I mean anything (some may say you even took it too far by doing this) getting her the number of 2 tow trucks was it.

You didn't even have to do that, the only time I'd see you taking it any further (getting off your arse and getting her) would be if JoJo was with her.

Those are the times when you need to separate your own personal issues with your ex for the sake of your daughter.

But, to reduce your wandering mindset I only say that because of the weather.

There will be several occasions through the years where your ex may call in regards to your daughter and it really is something that she should be handling. Not you.

I've turned down a few things in regards of the kids because I was busy during my time without them.

As much as I love my children, life has changed and I have every right to live my life when I do not have my kids.

The highlighted parts are for the most part are emotions, assumptions and over analyzing that screams out you lack indifference.

These are the things you really need to be working on Dewayne.

She calls.

If you decide to answer you make it short and brief.

Once the phone hangs up that's it.

It's over.

You have a lot of resentment still don't you?

It's clear as day in what you said in this post.

Holding onto resentment will severely reduce your healing and recovery from all of this.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Update: 

Well, she called. I answered. She couldn't get any help. So I went and picked up her. Pushed her car out of the hwy and onto a business parking lot. Owners were informed and ok with the parking. 

Took her home. She's obviously in a stressed out mood. Cussing the car in a funny manner. She kept looking at me, but I couldn't do anything but be a snowman. No emotion. I know she was hoping / expecting a laugh or something. I usually make her laugh harder than she did, but I haven't been doing it. Too hard. Plus, I don't think it falls in the lines of 180?

So we get her to her bro's / home. She starts to get stuff out of car and says "I was thinking, if you wanted JoJo and I could come by Wed. and do the gift exchange and do a movie and talk if you wanted." Really threw me for a loop. Didn't expect that and def. didn't know what to say. So I said "If you want to" then she replied "Well it was MY idea... lol" 

I do have 1 gift I forgot about. I got her a long time ago. I posted in the other thread I didn't have one, but this one was in my suitcase. I guess I'll go ahead and give it to her. JoJo was with me when we bought it so, as luck would have it, it may work out. 

I'm not angry anymore. I'm still hurt, but ok. I don't mope so hard anymore. I just. . . am here. Starting to play games again a bit more.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> Update:
> 
> Well, she called. I answered. She couldn't get any help. So I went and picked up her. Pushed her car out of the hwy and onto a business parking lot. Owners were informed and ok with the parking.
> 
> ...


You aren't ready for so much contact with her.

You know that right?


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

I gotya Up. 

Yeah, I feel MUUCH better. However, I'm still learning to deal with the day to day encounters and situations. 

I DID think about telling her "Well, good luck. It's cold out there" But as cruel as I use to be, that's what I'm trying to fix! Is NOT being cruel. So it's a bit more difficult for me I think. 

Absolutely, if the kiddo was with her, I'd not have to think about it. 

Weather was a bit colder than when I first went out. Good thing I went tbh. 

When I was on the phone, I didn't think about the "hanging up first" SHE was about to hang up, it was quick, then she started talking again. Would've been perfect tho! I think it'd show her that I made time for Jordan but when the talk with her was done I suddenly didn't have time for her. 

Emotions are pretty much under control for now. So I'm just getting into the swing of actions and reactions to day to day events.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> You aren't ready for so much contact with her.
> 
> You know that right?


Yeah. Thought of that earlier this morning.

What about Wed.? Should I allow her to come by then?


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Nope. Shouldn't have had her over. Need some 2x4 treatment I guess. 

She wanted to bring JoJo over to do a gift exchange and watch a movie and talk. We didn't talk much till we got her to the house. I had to pick her up. Went to Walmart and got some stuff. Came to my place. Swapped gifts. We both did pictures with frames. She really liked her gift. I didn't give her the frame I originally intended but got her a nice one from walmart. Put pics of her and her daddy and her momma in there. She hugged me for the gift and said thank you very sincerely. 

We watched SPiderman. JoJo between us towards the end. Her hand was cupped over Jordan's leg which was over mine. She then started to scratch / rub my leg. I noticed she realized waht she was doing and she didn't stop immediately. 

Mind got to racing. Telling me I shouldn't be here. Finished the movie, which was pretty decent. I enjoyed it. Then... I gave her the Divorce Papers I had signed. She looked down at them and said "did you get them signed??" Like she was surprised a bit and thought for a sec and said "Thank you" in a low tone. 

Took her to the house. We chatted about having fun tonight. Then at her place we started talking about the b/s that happened and why her family is all mad at me. There was a hacking of her FB that told everyone she was a lying cheating backstabbing spouse. I didn't do it. Everyone assumed it was me. I got it back and took it off. She says she told them it wasn't me. They don't believe her/ us. 

Sooooo in this conversation she was talking about moving off for a job and I said "umm. what? Not even thinking about me?" She said "Of course I'm thinking of you, I don't wanna take jordan from you and I don't wanna..... " never finished. This went on for about 5 more minutes, no arguing at all, just calm discussions and then I let it slip. I asked her if she even thought about calling, just to talk. She said "noo, not really. I mean, maybe a little bit once in a while"

... coming from my ex best friend.... hurts. a lot. 

I signed the papers today. I gave them to her. She told me she doesn't even wanna talk to me. But then I think, "watch what they do, not what they say"... we did just spend 4-5 hours together between shopping, gifts, movie etc. 

People have it right when they say this is the worse thing they've ever gone through in their life. I don't think anything can top this.

I'm battle worn. Scorned, beaten up, hurting and tired. Sick and tired. I was ready to throw in the towel, hence why I got up and went and signed the papers. But it was much harder than I expected.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

You may be tired, but you're not tired enough, yet.

Dewayne, I'm sorry you're going through this.

I promise you I know how bad it hurts.

You HAVE to learn to love YOU, though.

You don't deserve to feel like this.

You were beautifully and wonderfully made...without her.

Please know that.

Your happiness comes from within, and not from her.

Singing those papers was the first step.

Congratulations, hon.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

I know Katy. It's just... realizing your best friend is now treating you like nothing hurts like a bltch. 

Like my friend said, "If she didn't want to spend time with you, wtf was with the movie invite n sh.t?" 

I know, her actions speak more than her words, but her words still hurt. 

I'm trying to not 'want' her per sey. I'm just still mourning the death of our friendship and marriage. Katy, I wish you could've seen the way JoJo acted on the loveseat with us. She was in between, getting tired, she was getting comfy and kept pulling my arm over her, then to Marcy and pulled her arm over her as well. . . God that hurt. She doesn't get to have her mommy and daddy together with her often. Watching that made me tear up.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> I know Katy. It's just... realizing your best friend is now treating you like nothing hurts like a bltch.
> 
> Like my friend said, "If she didn't want to spend time with you, wtf was with the movie invite n sh.t?"
> 
> ...


If you were really sick and tired you wouldn't be thinking like this.

Instead.

You'd be focusing on yourself and becoming the best you that you can be.

By default JoJo will benefit.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

good on you for signing the papers!


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

I know it hurts.

I don't have children, but I have a huge heart for the babies.

But, they don't know what's best.

YOU do, regardless of your actions.

Dewayne, she served you.

She constantly questioned the signature.

Those are the actions you should be looking at...not the movie, together.

She's doing that to alleviate her guilt.


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## coachman (Jan 31, 2012)

The problem is, after everything that has happened you still have hope. Hope will eat you from the inside out. 

Stop putting yourself in these situations and stop analyzing her behavior. Talking to friends until one of them tells you what you want to hear does nothing for your healing process.

All she is feeling is guilt.

Let her go Dewayne. 

Does it hurt with the kids..fvck yeah it hurts. Try it with two.

Your "best friend" is dead and gone. 

Put the hope to bed and stop focusing on her.

Wake up tomorrow and plan to build something new and better or else this scene will repeat itself over and over in the months to come. 

You can do this.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

I know your pain bro, i feel it everyday still, i relate to mourning the loss of your best friend, we came into this world without & we'll leave this world without them. You have my number, call me any any time, by the way whats wrog with the hearse


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

coachman said:


> The problem is, after everything that has happened you still have hope. Hope will eat you from the inside out.
> 
> Stop putting yourself in these situations and stop analyzing her behavior. Talking to friends until one of them tells you what you want to hear does nothing for your healing process.
> 
> ...


He cannot set a date or time to "get it".

It simply just happens when you've had enough.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

coachman said:


> The problem is, after everything that has happened you still have hope. Hope will eat you from the inside out.
> 
> Stop putting yourself in these situations and stop analyzing her behavior. Talking to friends until one of them tells you what you want to hear does nothing for your healing process.
> 
> ...


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## coachman (Jan 31, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> He cannot set a date or time to "get it".
> 
> It simply just happens when you've had enough.


Agreed, but he is nowhere near that stage.

I can see the "hope" of them dating again even after the D being the killer here.

If I can recommend one thing Dewayne it is to do whatever you can to go dark and minimize contact as much as possible. You will have setbacks..we all have, but plan out your days and kid exchanges so you see her as little as possible and only communicate when absolutely necessary.


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

Got to go with Coach here. Today will be day three of total NC if mine doesn't contact me today. It does get easier if you don't see them and don't hear from them.

It's not a fun journey, but one you have to take none the less. 

And Katy is right. The nice things they do are to alleviate guilt. You have to remember that they are betraying someone who was their best friend. They may not regret the action, but they do feel guilty.


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

yeah man. She is doing it so she does not feel guilty at what she has done. 

I know it is tough. I feel like i backslid this week and it is driving me crazy. All we can do is pick ourselves back up and keep moving forward.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

First FB msg ever since our blow up from Ex:
I questioned her motive for the movie etc and this was her response:

thats not how it is. you should know this.
i wanted to watch a movie for us to hang out and as friends. because you asked us to see it together. (I asked months ago)
i know u tried and i know i've been unfair about it all.
i'm sorry i dont call or text much and dont talk to you. i need to more. i had the idea for us to call and talk with jordan. of course we would talk too. it was my idea. idk why you didnt call to talk to her last night. ill try to not get so busy and call you if u dont call us.
im not using you. i dont hate you. marsha doesnt hate you. chris doesnt care. darrells being protective. brent is ... brent. aaron doesnt care so long as its not u thats been mouthing bout me and i told him you werent. scarlett has her own issues and nothing i say can change her mind. ive tried. honestly. ryan is open to you but out of touch. he will only turn his back if i ask him to and i wont.
i do love you. we spent 11 years together. but a lot happened during that time and life got crazy for me. i just need time and space. im not happy with us or where we were. i wanted out. im sorry it was like this but thank you for the papers. i want to still be friends and see where we lead, if ur still up for it. i just want to soul search right now and if we were meant to be then i do believe we should start fresh; forget the past altogether for our new lives.

*Ps* I can tell you guys this also. The things that she did before we got married, 9 years ago, has been a huge burden on her. Now that I think about it, she brought it up from time to time in the recent years, letting me know it still bothers her on how she kicked me out of the house and went and ran around. She's one that really gets down on herself on bad things she's done. Thinking about it now, she's always been very, VERY hard on herself, whether it's, not getting a bigger christmas gift for someone, or doing a better job on a cake "she loves decorating" etc. I think, she's still depressed, possibly heavily depressed, being too hard on herself for every little thing and wonders why she's this way. 

Me? I'm getting more indifferent every day. I'm healing, slowly but surely. I care for her still. I truly do. I wish her well and happiness. But I need to be happy for myself also. I'm tired of feeling this way, I'm tired of hurting and crying like a baby. I'm tired of not BEING A GOSH DANG MAN! I figured out, this all makes me feel less of a man and thats not good!

I know my stbxw. This sounds MUUUCH more like her. 

Opinions? Please share. 

Opinions on reply?


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> First FB msg ever since our blow up from Ex:
> I questioned her motive for the movie etc and this was her response:
> 
> thats not how it is. you should know this.
> ...


"I want to be friends" translates to "I'm done with you, but don't know how to say it without hurting your feelings."

I told my ex that, verbatim, about a month ago.


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> "I want to be friends" translates to "I'm done with you, but don't know how to say it without hurting your feelings."
> 
> I told my ex that, verbatim, about a month ago.


I agree. Just keep doing what you are doing. Maybe you can repair things. Maybe not. Dont expect anything more than what you get now.


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## coachman (Jan 31, 2012)

coachman said:


> Agreed, but he is nowhere near that stage.
> 
> *I can see the "hope" of them dating again even after the D being the killer here.*
> 
> If I can recommend one thing Dewayne it is to do whatever you can to go dark and minimize contact as much as possible. You will have setbacks..we all have, but plan out your days and kid exchanges so you see her as little as possible and only communicate when absolutely necessary.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Think I'm just gonna try to kick back and finish healing. 

She's weak. I don't need a weak person. 

I'll strengthen back up and try to enjoy my new life. 

See where it takes me.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> First FB msg ever since our blow up from Ex:
> *I questioned her motive for the movie etc and this was her response:*
> 
> thats not how it is. you should know this.
> ...


You questioned things and what you got in return was the answer exact same answer I got at least two times throughout my inability to finally let go and move on.

My opinion on your reply?

You don't.

If you are going to, I suggest you tell her that you cannot be friends with her, need time to be by yourself and from this point on you will only discuss things about your daughter and that's it.

Dewayne, you are not indifferent but you WANT to be indifferent.

That's a huge step in the right direction.

Stop thinking / talking and start doing.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Well, I went out and shopped for JoJo's christmas last night. REALLY bothered me, cus WM was SOOOO PACKED with all the cute little families hsopping together. But eh, I got over it. 

I went out up town a bit, cruised and hit up all the gas stations and etc, getting fuel at one, soda at another and 1 to see an old friend. Met a few people, had a few smiles etc. Felt good. 

Today, I got 2 girls to come over that I met online. Both are very cute and my age. 1 has no kids, 1 has a kid and both seem very cool. They both know my situation and are very respectful. One started flirting hard with me and the other said "Hey, he's still married, back off a bit" .. just after that she said she thought I WAS divorced, had to explain it lol. she said "DAMMIT" in a joking manner. I kinda feel like 2 schoolgirls are tearing apart a baby doll they both want to play with. 

Definitely a huge boost to the confidence meter.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Right on, D-Roc!


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Well I got some healing done. I came back to this thread after a while and realized I'm glad I made the 2nd thread and deleted the first one. The first one was a real humdinger! Lots of pain in it, lots of head smashing. You know, I had thought about asking her to come on here and talk with us to let everyone hear her side. I've seen people do that once or twice and thought it would be interesting to say the least. Who knows, maybe get to the bottom of a few things while we were at it, but then I realized, "NAhhh f' it"

No, she doesn't want to work on things. I know this. And I'm starting to realize I don't either. 

2 weeks seems like a month in these sitch's huh? wow. It felt like at least a month since I been to my thread. 

I have been playing my games and noticing myself not getting down as much. I still listen to my music but I think it's mainly forcing the pain and tears out to run dry. I think that's about run it's course. 

I've been out a few times. With girls and I'm just not ready for anything right now. I'm working on getting a job / good job so I can afford my own place to where I cna keep my baby for a week at a time without worry. 

We've already seen issues with Jordan and her going back and forth. STBX finally admitted to seeing things already with her. I told her "yeup. and it's going to get worse" 

I have been out to McD's with her and the baby a few times, Suppose to have watched a movie I don't know how many times now but never fails to have something come up. I feel done now. I am just tired of feeling this way. I'm better than this. 

Yes, ultimately I'd still like to piece my family back together, but not with this monster I see now. Maybe a better person if the monster ever leaves but nah, not with her now. 

Thanks for reading.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

2013, monsterless!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Update: 

I'm still slipping. A lot sometimes, grieving the loss of the marriage. Accepting it more and more each day. I'm playing games and getting on with my life. Still no work yet. Going again Monday to look. Hoping to get on Nestle or some other factory. But I'll take Zaxby's if they hire me. I don't care, I need money. 

This tore me up something fierce man. I looked back on some of the other posts I made and you guys replies.. (I screenshotted some of the pages before I deleted thread) WOW, this has been brutal on me. I know why my anxiety is still an issue. 

I realize my wife IS a monster right now and I realize that she IS still sick with depression and MAY or may not be in a midlife crisis, but after her telling me this last time to not stand by her, that was it. She's concious, she's thinking, may not be thinking right but she was able to process what I said and if she doesn't want me to be there for her, ... F' her. 

I still love her, But I don't need her. That's for dam sure. I do NOT need this b/s in my life. It's too much, it's going to cut my life short with all the depression, I'm having to take anti depressants myself now, zanex as well for anxiety and it's just too much. SO! I'll start doing better once I find work and a btter place so I can keep my kiddo for a full week+2 days at a time. 

I'm trying to not be bitter and angry, that's part of my changing. So I can't allow them to overcome me any longer. Not to say emotions don't run high at times but I at least can control my anger and resentment to a new low. If not gone. 

I feel better. BTW I'm dark on her again. I dn't want to talk to her unless it's time for me to get my daughter. 

Thanks for reading.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

One question.

Are you still snooping in her emails?


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

No sir. 

I had msged her on fb a bit and quit that. A while back I opened a fb page for me, put our pic on it and anytime I felt the need to "say something to her" I sent it to that new FB page. It really helps. 

I've not done it so much recently, but I find I still need to do it to get some things out. TO me, it's a version of yalls vanity letter.. "Write your letter to your stbx, take it to the woods or somewhere quiet, read it aloud and then burn it" And it has helped. I did slip a few times and sent her a few things to her fb, but I sent her another yesterday? Apologizing and told her not to expect anymore from me. 

Just can't wait to get a job and move on with my life and be HAPPY...


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

you will get there dewayne, your already so much stronger than you were when we first met..... i think you are on the right path, this cali boy luvs ya & is always here when you need a friend


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Thanks bro! I actually tried to text that number the other day. I was down pretty hard... had a dream about her and I woke up mourning the marriage again. . . I won't lie. It still hits like a dam truck. 

I appreciate your friendship bub. I really do.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

it still hits me like a truck too, i think i've finally realized the only thing that i control & can change is myself, i'm at peace with that finally, the only time dani gets to me know is when she plays games with our son. other than that i no longer give her the time of day, thankfully she's no longer my problem, i wish her well


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Dewayne, i don't think anyone can just get over it so don't judge yourself too harshly on your slips. Hell, I make enough myself and I am trying to go easy on myself for them while working to cut them out.

Tell you what though, the tone of your posts between now and when I joined are night and day. Keep going, you'll get there.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Thanks K.C. Yeah, it's rough and I still have my spells about once a day but they aren't as heavy nor last near as long. 

No dreams last night, well nothing about her. No nightmares! been gone for a while. 

I feel better about myself. I feel stronger, I feel more confident and KNOW what I have to offer. And even though I may have changed for myself, because of HER, I'm afraid someone else is going to reap the benefits. That's ok too. I don't care as long as my daughter is happy and I am too. I'm trying to care less and less about "her" 

Make me sad sometimes because I know we didn't have many problems before and if people come out of things like this STRONGER? WOW, what a R that could be! But I don't ponder on it anymore. 

I don't look at her stuff anymore, I don't have her followed (not in a long time) I don't go to her work and see if she's there AND A DAM MOUSE JUST RAN RIGHT PAST MY FEET! ... gotta get that sh!t taken care of!


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