# My confession: I am the WS



## eman (Jun 4, 2012)

So where do I start...... I want you to know that I'm not looking for sympathy (wouldn't expect much), but I am desperate to find a way to deal with the situation I have caused. I've been reading on this forum for the past 2+ months. But I'm not sure I know how to go on at this point, and I turn to you with my tail between my legs for help.

I had an affair about 4 months ago. This is a decision I made that has haunted me ever since. I'll admit that this is the worst decision I've ever made and now I'm paying dearly for it. It's absolutely just not fair for my wife to have to deal with this. D-Day was 2 months ago. My wife was questioning some text messages in my phone, so I made up my mind to tell her the painful truth....that I had cheated on her with another women.

I'll admit at first she reacted hurt, but probably in shock for the most part. She moved out immediately to stay with her family. She still talked to me for the first couple weeks after D-day, but quickly cut all communication. I was able to get her on the phone one last time to try and tell her my feelings about how awful I felt and how I recognized that there were things that I needed to change and to work on. One of those things is selfishness. I convinced her to go to a counselor with me. We went together once, and on the second appointment she canceled and went out of town. I saw this counselor on my own a few additional times, and from what I gather my wife saw him as well by herself.

So here we are 2 months later. I have tried to the best of my ability to own my infidelity without placing blame on my wife. This was my choice and I am the one who screwed up our marriage. Seeing the pain that I've caused her has put me in a really bad place......causing me a tremendous amount of pain, low self worth, depression, and just overall creating my own hell. 

I have sent my wife letters, left voice messages, and tried to text positive things. I never get a single response. She has only sent me a few text messages since cutting communication.... one of which she recently told me that she got a lawyer and is filing for divorce.

The painful truth is starting to settle in now, that my wife is most likely not going to try and reconcile our marriage with me. I don't know how to react to this. I don't know how to let her go. I've tried to fight for her, but it's very difficult when she won't talk to me at all. *So what I'm asking for is help dealing with this horrible experience that I am going through* (and I know my wife is going through hell as well, which as I said before, is one of the biggest sources of my pain).


FYI:
married for 4 years
been together for 6.5 years
no kids


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I admire your honesty and I'm sorry for your pain. I would continue with the counseling and not lose hope just yet that your wife won't be open to reconciliation... However, for many (myself included) infidelity is a deal breaker and not something they're prepared to forgive.

Good luck


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## eman (Jun 4, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> I admire your honesty and I'm sorry for your pain. I would continue with the counseling and not lose hope just yet that your wife won't be open to reconciliation... However, for many (myself included) infidelity is a deal breaker and not something they're prepared to forgive.
> 
> Good luck


The hardest part has been putting myself in my wife's shoes. What would it be like and how would I feel if she cheated on me? I almost can't believe that I am the one who did this to the person I love. I know this totally crushed my wife. It has caused her to completely shut off.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Everyone reacts differently, and has different dealbreakers. I am glad you're here; I wish my stbxh would recognize that he needs help...many walkaway spouses prefer to play the role of sole victim and don't learn anything. This is your opportunity to learn, grow, and heal. No matter what happens with your wife, your future will be brighter if you stick with this process.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eman (Jun 4, 2012)

I really want to learn from this. As much as I want to stay with my wife, I can't force her. But I don't want to walk around with unnecessary pain if I can learn and grow from this. I realize it's not going to be easy, but right now I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

You need to quit bothering your wife. Maybe send her one last message saying that you love her and you are sorry and you don't want your marriage to end. That you hear her silence and that you will stop contacting her. That you will be hoping that she will find a way to forgive you and stay together. Let her know that she can contact you whenever she wants.

After this message, don't contact her. Give her space. She may never come back. She might after a few months. But contacting her over and over again will not help. It will only make it worse.


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## eman (Jun 4, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> You need to quit bothering your wife. Maybe send her one last message saying that you love her and you are sorry and you don't want your marriage to end. That you hear her silence and that you will stop contacting her. That you will be hoping that she will find a way to forgive you and stay together. Let her know that she can contact you whenever she wants.
> 
> After this message, don't contact her. Give her space. She may never come back. She might after a few months. But contacting her over and over again will not help. It will only make it worse.


There were times before she told me that she was filing for divorce where I backed off for days, maybe even a week at a time. I did try to give her space and not bombard her with messages. But I will admit that when she text me last week to say that she filed for divorce I started more or less begging her to reconsider counseling together. I haven't contacted her today, and I am truly considering texting something along the lines of what you've said. I guess I'm just confused. It's difficult to move on.


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## Mike11 (Aug 25, 2011)

eman, 

I feel your pain, but with all honesty,you now eat the stew what your cooked, I am sure that it probably crossed your mind that there are going to be consequences to this if she finds out and somewhere along the line you have made the decision that this is a risk you are willing to take and that may be that your wife may never forgive you and divorce you, now you need to respect her wishes and let her go, and as much as it is hard for you, this is a moment that you need to stop thinking about yourself here and respect her wishes, as hard as it may be

send her a closure email or a letter, tell her that you love her very much and profusely apologize for your indiscretion, and leave the door open for her to contact you again, be a gentlemen to her and understand her pain, own up to it and do what ever needed to make amends even if the end result is that she is divorcing you.

Don't blame shift or gaslight, be the man she fell in love with when you first met her, in time, there may be a chance (if you play it right) that after she cools down, she may contact you again, but then again it may as well be a deal breaker for her and she never get back to you, you must accept that as much as it is hard for you.

Best of luck to you


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

What a shame you didn't realize the catastrophic cost of your actions before you took the plunge into the affair. Whatever minor faults and shortcomings your wife may have had (and we all have faults including you), she didn't deserve the pain heaped on her by your breaking of the wedding vows. Respect her enough to let her go if that's her wish. Professing love probably is worthless given that you've lied and deceived her, the one person she trusted in the world to watch her back. You're probably the last person she believes in the world right now. 

I think any big gesture demonstrations of love at this point won't work, but you can try. I would tell send her a very sincere letter expressing your love, deep regrets and hopes, but if she doesn't respond, then you should let it go. Who knows in the distant future, she might intiate contact with you. I know a couple who remarried years later after their original divorce. Of course they had a child in common which kept them in touch over the years, but there are other childless couples I've heard of who remarried after divorce. The best thing you can do now is to figure out why you had such extremely poor boundaries with women and what it is that led you to have an affair. Take active steps to prevent those weaknesses in the future. Be cordial and on good terms with your soon to be ex-wife and who knows what the future may bring.

Good luck.


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## aussiechick (Jul 1, 2012)

Regardless of what happens never ever have contact with the other woman again. Be in a day or ten years time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

eman - I recommend you read the following books. Surviving An Affair by Willard Harley; Love Languages by Gary Chapman; and Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. If nothing else, these books will help you in future relationships though I realize right now that's not what you want.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you tried to see her in person?

Have you asked her what you have to do to win her back?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

eman, sorry you are in pain... to me it sounds like you and your W are just going to the natural consequences of the betrayal of infidelity.

It hurts you both, my only advice, is remain remorseful and continue to seek counselling for yourself to understand that true fulfillment comes from within you, and that giving into hurtful temptations never bring about good consequences.

Respect your W's will, she is suffering the most painful thing a loyal spouse can ever suffer... the fact that you have demonstrated remorse and were honest when faced with her doubt gives you atleast a chance of having some sort of useful relationship with her. It is completely her decision if she wants to remain married and R or divorce, you need to give her the freedom to make her own choice, and stay on the sidelines remaining quiet but present. If she follows through with divorce until the formal end, then thank her for the wonderful years you did share and be on your way. Divorce usually takes a long time so she will have time to consider if its what she really wants. As for you just simply make it known that you want to save the marriage and the ball is in her court.

If you are truly remorse and are given the gift of R than realize just how faithful your W is to the marriage and start treating it with the respect you lacked before, and work your butt off to earn her trust back and build a strong, transparent marriage.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

eman - maybe because I am still dealing as the BS and wanting to work through the betrayals that I feel differently than most, but my advice would be this - if you love her and cannot imagine life without her as your wife, what do you have to lose? Fight for her until the divorce is final. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Tell her how remorseful you are, how you love her still and how you will never give up hope. She has given herself space by ignoring your calls, texts, etc. It is time for you to kick it up a notch and show her that you still love her and are so very sorry. Don't stalk her, but send her flowers to work, where she is living. Call her family and ask if they would please ask her to call you or meet in a public place or at their house so you can talk. Apologize to her family for the pain you caused them as well, especially her parents.

I have not left my home, and we are 4 months in R. It will not be full circle until my WH calls my parents and apologizes to them (if you read my story, you will know he owes them a deep apology too). Apologize to everyone who may be effected. In the end, if your wife decides that R is not an option, you have stepped up and done the right thing, learned from your mistakes, and can at least have some peace of mind that you did try your hardest to mend the things you broke.


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## eman (Jun 4, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> eman - I recommend you read the following books. Surviving An Affair by Willard Harley; Love Languages by Gary Chapman; and Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. If nothing else, these books will help you in future relationships though I realize right now that's not what you want.


I am currently reading Love Languages. Thanks for the list I will look in to the other two books.



EleGirl said:


> Have you tried to see her in person?
> 
> Have you asked her what you have to do to win her back?


I can ask her all I want, but she won't answer *anything*. Nothing. I have definitely thought about going to her work (she does hair at a salon) or to her families house, but something inside of me tells me that the outcome would be terrible. She has a large family including and 3 sisters and a mom who shelter/protect her. It's been like that her entire life from what I can tell. And now that I've made this terrible mistake, she doesn't know how to cope except listen to everything they say. She also works with two of those sisters.



Lon said:


> eman, sorry you are in pain... to me it sounds like you and your W are just going to the natural consequences of the betrayal of infidelity.
> 
> It hurts you both, my only advice, is remain remorseful and continue to seek counselling for yourself to understand that true fulfillment comes from within you, and that giving into hurtful temptations never bring about good consequences.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your words. I truly hope and pray that if/when the divorce goes through I can say those words you gave me. I have searched my soul, and I can say without a doubt that I am committed to working my butt off, whether I move on to a new relationship or if by some small miracle she want to try and reconcile. 



LookingForTheSun said:


> eman - maybe because I am still dealing as the BS and wanting to work through the betrayals that I feel differently than most, but my advice would be this - if you love her and cannot imagine life without her as your wife, what do you have to lose? Fight for her until the divorce is final. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Tell her how remorseful you are, how you love her still and how you will never give up hope. She has given herself space by ignoring your calls, texts, etc. It is time for you to kick it up a notch and show her that you still love her and are so very sorry. Don't stalk her, but send her flowers to work, where she is living. Call her family and ask if they would please ask her to call you or meet in a public place or at their house so you can talk. Apologize to her family for the pain you caused them as well, especially her parents.
> 
> I have not left my home, and we are 4 months in R. It will not be full circle until my WH calls my parents and apologizes to them (if you read my story, you will know he owes them a deep apology too). Apologize to everyone who may be effected. In the end, if your wife decides that R is not an option, you have stepped up and done the right thing, learned from your mistakes, and can at least have some peace of mind that you did try your hardest to mend the things you broke.


I do love her and I am having a difficult (difficult doesn't even begin to describe my feelings) time imagining life without her. I say this, but even as I type those words I can't understand why I would do such an evil thing. 

I have made some very small attempts to call family members without any luck. Although I have not gotten very aggressive at all. I'm up against a brick wall here because although her family is big, and they are very close (which is a good thing), I've never really felt a part of their family. I can't say that they hated me before, but there was definitely a lack of commitment from them to our marriage. It's hard to describe, but it's like they wouldn't let me in to their "group". I sat on the sidelines and any time I brought my concerns up I felt my wife wasn't exactly sure what I was telling her. Like maybe she didn't see it.

I have a lot of respect for you trying to R with your WH. It shows that your are willing to stare down the ugliest situations in life and you try to rise to the top. I wish you well on your quest. I hope your H remains truly remorseful and does sincerely apologize to your family/parents.


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## eman (Jun 4, 2012)

Mike11 said:


> eman,
> 
> I feel your pain, but with all honesty,you now eat the stew what your cooked, I am sure that it probably crossed your mind that there are going to be consequences to this if she finds out and somewhere along the line you have made the decision that this is a risk you are willing to take and that may be that your wife may never forgive you and divorce you, now you need to respect her wishes and let her go, and as much as it is hard for you, this is a moment that you need to stop thinking about yourself here and respect her wishes, as hard as it may be
> 
> ...


I appreciate your words. I tell myself every single day that blame shifting is not appropriate no matter what. When those bitter feelings come because she is ignoring me, I need to remind myself that this wouldn't be happening if it wasn't for my mistake.

I hope I have the strength to let her go and come out of this standing.....if it so be that she finishes the divorce.



Coffee Amore said:


> What a shame you didn't realize the catastrophic cost of your actions before you took the plunge into the affair. Whatever minor faults and shortcomings your wife may have had (and we all have faults including you), she didn't deserve the pain heaped on her by your breaking of the wedding vows. Respect her enough to let her go if that's her wish. Professing love probably is worthless given that you've lied and deceived her, the one person she trusted in the world to watch her back. You're probably the last person she believes in the world right now.
> 
> I think any big gesture demonstrations of love at this point won't work, but you can try. I would tell send her a very sincere letter expressing your love, deep regrets and hopes, but if she doesn't respond, then you should let it go. Who knows in the distant future, she might intiate contact with you. I know a couple who remarried years later after their original divorce. Of course they had a child in common which kept them in touch over the years, but there are other childless couples I've heard of who remarried after divorce. The best thing you can do now is to figure out why you had such extremely poor boundaries with women and what it is that led you to have an affair. Take active steps to prevent those weaknesses in the future. Be cordial and on good terms with your soon to be ex-wife and who knows what the future may bring.
> 
> Good luck.


I do want to take any necessary steps to prevent anything like this from happening in the future. Not that I think I will, but then again I never ever ever thought I could be the WS. Sh*tty way to learn a lesson I must say. But I WILL learn the lesson well.



aussiechick said:


> Regardless of what happens never ever have contact with the other woman again. Be in a day or ten years time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good advice, thank you. I have no intentions of seeing her ever again (or any communication), and I am now realizing that this needs to stay on the forefront of my mind.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

eman said:


> I do love her and I am having a difficult (difficult doesn't even begin to describe my feelings) time imagining life without her. I say this, but even as I type those words I can't understand why I would do such an evil thing.


You lost sight of and faith in your marriage and your spouse, your selfish thoughts blinded you to your own honor, and you not only gave in to lust, but relished in it. *You cheated because you wanted to*. You are looking for external source of happiness, but happiness is purely an internal mechanism. As long as you operate on the basis of seeking external happiness you won't ever feel fulfilled in a relationship, nor will you be able to truly love, nor desire to givingly meet your spouses needs.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Lon said:


> You lost sight of and faith in your marriage and your spouse, your selfish thoughts blinded you to your own honor, and you not only gave in to lust, but relished in it. *You cheated because you wanted to*. You are looking for external source of happiness, but happiness is purely an internal mechanism. As long as you operate on the basis of seeking external happiness you won't ever feel fulfilled in a relationship, nor will you be able to truly love, nor desire to givingly meet your spouses needs.


:iagree:

eman - It can't feel good to know the pain you're feeling is all self-inflicted. You did what you did because you liked it. You haven't exactly spelled out how you got into the affair, but most affairs follow a typical pattern so if I had to guess, I would say you enjoyed the attention, the flattery, the feeling that you're special to someone new and different. You probably felt younger, sexier, wittier, (insert whatever positive adjective you prefer). You're what is known as a cake eater. You wanted to have your cake and eat it too. You wanted the stability of a marriage, to be thought of a family/good man while having some naughty fun on the side with someone else. So when opportunity presented itself, you very selfishly chose that instead of refusing it and focusing on your marriage. You should determine how you'll avoid such scenarios in the future.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If she dosen't want to stay married to you, all you can do is accept that. 

Sorry to hear this happened. Whatever she decides, erespect her wishes.

Absolutely zero contact with the other woman if you are trying to get back with your wife.

It sounds like she found out about it and you prob denied it at first and came clean.

Does your wife know the OW?


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## eman (Jun 4, 2012)

Lon said:


> You lost sight of and faith in your marriage and your spouse, your selfish thoughts blinded you to your own honor, and you not only gave in to lust, but relished in it. *You cheated because you wanted to*. You are looking for external source of happiness, but happiness is purely an internal mechanism. As long as you operate on the basis of seeking external happiness you won't ever feel fulfilled in a relationship, nor will you be able to truly love, nor desire to givingly meet your spouses needs.


This hurts a lot. But that's because it's true. I'm ever so slowly learning to accept the fact that my selfish acts put me in this position. SELFISHNESS: this is a word I've pondered on every single day since D-Day. I am bound and determined to change my selfish ways. I just don't have the complete vision yet. But I'll get there.



Coffee Amore said:


> :iagree:
> 
> eman - It can't feel good to know the pain you're feeling is all self-inflicted. You did what you did because you liked it. You haven't exactly spelled out how you got into the affair, but most affairs follow a typical pattern so if I had to guess, I would say you enjoyed the attention, the flattery, the feeling that you're special to someone new and different. You probably felt younger, sexier, wittier, (insert whatever positive adjective you prefer). You're what is known as a cake eater. You wanted to have your cake and eat it too. You wanted the stability of a marriage, to be thought of a family/good man while having some naughty fun on the side with someone else. So when opportunity presented itself, you very selfishly chose that instead of refusing it and focusing on your marriage. You should determine how you'll avoid such scenarios in the future.


No it doesn't feel good knowing I created my own hell. It torments me every second of the day. My self esteem has slowly faded to nothing. I can only image though, the feelings my wife has now. As mad as I am that she won't talk to me, can I really blame her? No.



Jellybeans said:


> If she dosen't want to stay married to you, all you can do is accept that.
> 
> Sorry to hear this happened. Whatever she decides, erespect her wishes.
> 
> ...


Wife does not know the OW. You are correct. It took me a solid week to come clean. The worst part is, it almost seemed as if she dropped it after I "explained away" these text messages. But........I thought about telling her every day after the cheating event. I was scared. I was being selfish. Thank God I did tell her though. I tend to think it would be worse if she was still with me and I was living a lie.


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## eman (Jun 4, 2012)

I felt a little better yesterday, and I didn't wake up with as much anxiety today. I'm trying to focus on my wife and what will make her happy. I mean I wouldn't want her to stay in the marriage if ultimately it made her unhappy. That would once again be my selfishness coming out. I'm not saying it's easy by any means, but I'm trying.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

This is the right mindset. Stick with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

You could try sending the one last deep down from the heart email or text. The other option would be to send her a card with those thoughts. Going to her work or anywhere else is just going to show her your still the same old selfish person and that you have no respect for anyone other then yourself. That would probably put you 100 times worse off then you already are.


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## eman (Jun 4, 2012)

Well I received the divorce papers from her lawyer. The harsh truth is really settling in. I can only hope that she will try to be civil. I hope that if I stay calm then maybe she will as well. But at this point who knows.

I've felt better the past few days. I'm not nearly as upset, depressed, or anxious as I have been. It's good because I haven't felt good in months. I hope it's not just a temporary high.....although I realize there are still tough times to come with divorce stuff. Finances stress me out like no other at this point.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

If you don't have children then your divorce should be, theoretically at least, a lot easier and neater than if you had to agree on child support, custody, etc. I don't see why she can't be civil. Most states, assuming you're in the USA, are no-fault divorce states so proving fault is no longer an issue.
I give her credit for being decisive. So many people waffle when faced with a dealbreaker. It looks like she didn't have much hesitancy.
I think when the reality of the divorce hits you, you might feel down. Take care of yourself...


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## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

Your wife is smart. You were a creep.

I do sympathize with the frustration you're feeling about not being able to right your wrong. Some things just can't be undone.


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## eman (Jun 4, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> If you don't have children then your divorce should be, theoretically at least, a lot easier and neater than if you had to agree on child support, custody, etc. I don't see why she can't be civil. Most states, assuming you're in the USA, are no-fault divorce states so proving fault is no longer an issue.
> I give her credit for being decisive. So many people waffle when faced with a dealbreaker. It looks like she didn't have much hesitancy.
> I think when the reality of the divorce hits you, you might feel down. Take care of yourself...


No kids, but we do have a house. I agree though, no kids should hopefully make things a bit smoother.



Peachy Cat said:


> Your wife is smart. You were a creep.
> 
> I do sympathize with the frustration you're feeling about not being able to right your wrong. Some things just can't be undone.


I won't pretend like what I did wasn't a terrible thing to do. These are my consequences. I have felt better just by typing out my frustrations and feelings in this thread. If all else, it can act as a place for me to vent.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Do you have an attorney? You could let her attorney and yours handle most of the matters.


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## eman (Jun 4, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> Do you have an attorney? You could let her attorney and yours handle most of the matters.


I am meeting with one this Thursday. Not happy about it, but it's what I've got to do. I would be fine speaking with my wife even with her decision to leave. I'd love to wish her well and apologize one last time....face to face. But she won't give me the opportunity. Even her family has refused to let me contact them. I wanted to apologize to her parents and siblings but they just won't let me.


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## Barnowl (May 31, 2012)

eman - Having followed your story the past few weeks through PMs, I am sorry to hear that this is the way it ends. You were willing to go the distance, and she just wasn't having it. I don't envy your position, especially since by BW was willing to talk to me, and is still working with me. Take this experience and grow from it. Be a better man for the future, and grow and learn from what has happened. I wish you well man. You helped me out a bunch in the beginning of my own D-Day fallout. Keep us posted on how it is going.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It goes without saying, in the future, don't cheat.

Sorry to hear about your pending divorce.


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## eman (Jun 4, 2012)

Barnowl said:


> eman - Having followed your story the past few weeks through PMs, I am sorry to hear that this is the way it ends. You were willing to go the distance, and she just wasn't having it. I don't envy your position, especially since by BW was willing to talk to me, and is still working with me. Take this experience and grow from it. Be a better man for the future, and grow and learn from what has happened. I wish you well man. You helped me out a bunch in the beginning of my own D-Day fallout. Keep us posted on how it is going.


Thanks buddy I appreciate it!


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## eman (Jun 4, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> It goes without saying, in the future, don't cheat.
> 
> Sorry to hear about your pending divorce.


I won't stop improving myself until I know without a doubt that cheating will never happen again.


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## eman (Jun 4, 2012)

Time to get some sh*t off my chest. *Warning: rant ahead*

I've basically locked myself in my house for the past few months. I go to work, go to the gym, then go home (not looking for pitty here......just read on). This is since my STBXW separated from me. I've found that after graduating from college and during the course of being married, I've lost a lot of my friends. 

Recently I've been venturing out a little bit, trying to reclaim my life....trying to define my new identity. I've felt so good this past week and I don't remember the last time I wasn't emotional or depressed. I've hung out a few times this past week and I know that's why I've felt better.

Last night I was invited to an outdoor concert in the city. I went after work and met up with a buddy, and a bunch of his friends (males and females). So I am meeting a lot of these people for the first time.

We are having a great time until...............................wouldn't you know it I run into my STBXW's sister. I was very nice and said hello. I was just so shocked because it was so random to run into her like that. She gave me a look of disgust and walked away. Ok, fine, I can deal with that. I understand her family hates my guts and they have reason to.

But the drama didn't end there. At one point during the main event I am watching the band play with two other people. Others from the group had wandered off looking at merchandise in the tents. At this point my STBXW's sister approaches me with her boyfriend. They push me from behind. Now I'm not huge, but I am a fairly large and tall. I wasn't scared that her bf pushed me. It became immediately obvious that they were piss drunk, and looked high....eyes dilated (I won't speculate any further). Now my STBXW was NOT there, but her sister was yelling all kinds of profanities and screaming and then literally came at me trying to attack me. I somehow kept myself together as her bf dragged her away. Then he got right back in my face. IN MY FACE. I wanted to knock is front teeth out but at that moment I noticed my STBXW's sister getting in the face of two females in the group (that I had just met that night). She was like "Who the f are you? What are you doing with him (me)?!?!?!" At that point I stepped between them. I've never seen so much anger come from someone directed right at me.

I was so angry because those friends didn't deserve that. I felt so embarrassed and awful. This was almost 24 hours ago and my blood is still boiling! 

They left us alone after they realized that they had hundreds of people's attention in the croud as to WTF was going on. My friends and I left immediately after....and I could tell everyone's night was ruined.

WHY CAN'T I JUST MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE?!?!?!?!

/rant


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

Look of disgust, OK even you could give her that.

What happened next, unhealthy/messed up people.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

You write the same actions my STBXH has been doing, to me, & for me, during the past 14 months .The remorse, the pleading, the begging , the showing, the actions, all there, & how much he loved me, our life, our family , and wonders why, how his affair could break our marriage. I knew from day 1 our marriage was forever different from now. I knew from day 1, we would never live together again either .

Why didnt I fight for him ? ,He always asked,& he has even expressed that he believes that his love for me is unconditional, but mine to him is not ! 

We’ve been together a long time .. and finally , finally today , 14 months later, from d-day, he tells me, “I gets it ! The marriage is over , I'm leaving you alone. Im not coming back when I leave, & i’m not looking back ."

I thought to myself, “Thank god,maybe now I can quite being mad at him .... “ I need him to leave,& you may need to do this for your wife as well. 

im sorry you’re here w the rest of us ... 

~sammy


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## eman (Jun 4, 2012)

sammy3 said:


> You write the same actions my STBXH has been doing, to me, & for me, during the past 14 months .The remorse, the pleading, the begging , the showing, the actions, all there, & how much he loved me, our life, our family , and wonders why, how his affair could break our marriage. I knew from day 1 our marriage was forever different from now. I knew from day 1, we would never live together again either .
> 
> Why didnt I fight for him ? ,He always asked,& he has even expressed that he believes that his love for me is unconditional, but mine to him is not !
> 
> ...


At this point I feel like I have started the process of letting her go. It's not easy because as the WS, I have an overwhelming feeling and sense to fix things...no matter how bad they were due to my bad decision. I too have that feeling of wanting unconditional love but I am also coming to realize that cheating is a deal breaker for some.

I can look in the mirror right now and honestly say to myself that at this point I just want my wife to sincerely forgive me and move on...since she does not want to R. I feel it would have been better to work this out through a counselor (even with getting a divorce) because I feel like she isn't learning from this bad experience that I have brought upon us. It seems more like she's hiding from her problems. I could go on and on about that, but I won't. I'll leave it here: it's something I've seen her family do ever since I've know them......"sweep it under the rug" and pretend it's not there in hopes it will go away. Please know I am not trying to make my wife's pain seem any less than it is. I know she is devastated.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Oh gosh please don't ever tell her that she's not using this a learning experience or that she's hiding from her problems. Whatever problems she had, you had one that was far more devastating to the marriage. You don't really spell out what she supposedly did to the marriage, but unless it's infidelity on her part, it won't equal what you did with another woman. Your deceit, independent behavior, cheating, overshadow whatever she did. 

And why would she want to use this as a learning experience. If you were my husband, I would probably slap you with something if you said "I feel like you're not learning from this bad experience and you're hiding from your problems." 

Bad experience? 

Really?

That's a phrase you use to describe a server who was rude at a restaurant where the food wasn't too good to begin with.


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

Well, there's not much invested in this relationship by either of you, so I can see why she is not willing to reconcile--would you? I wouldn't.


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## eman (Jun 4, 2012)

lifeisnotsogood said:


> Well, there's not much invested in this relationship by either of you, so I can see why she is not willing to reconcile--would you? I wouldn't.


Really the only point I was trying to make was that I though it would have been better to go to counseling together regardless of whether she we were going to reconcile or not. I mean I do worry about her emotional well being. 

I have not said anything close to those words to her. I have been only sympathetic, apologetic, and given her space. I respect her decision whether or not I like it.


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## Barnowl (May 31, 2012)

It has been a couple of weeks. How are things going eman?


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

What ever happened to the OW... since you are going to get divorced why do you still not contact her.. she must have had something that drew you to her.


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## eman (Jun 4, 2012)

Barnowl said:


> It has been a couple of weeks. How are things going eman?


Well....crappy. I can't seem to find my self esteem, and my STBXW has been a less than civil at times. I guess I don't deserve any better though. Divorce stuff is going between lawyers slowly. How have you been?



Sadwithtwolittlegirls said:


> What ever happened to the OW... since you are going to get divorced why do you still not contact her.. she must have had something that drew you to her.


I have not idea about the OW. I'm not interested in talking to her either. She was a part of my mistake and I intend to keep my no contact. I was a fool to talk to her and that's not difficult for me to see at this point.


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## foreverheartbroken (Jul 20, 2012)

This is such a sad story. Sorry to hear about this hell you've been living. It's good that you're working on YOU anyway and the decisions you've made and why. 

Have you thought about the reasons you were drawn to the OW? Even if on the surface you just think oh well because she was attractive at the time, she was fun, one thing led to another, and before I knew it... bad mistake! Looking beyond that is there unbalance you can think of in your marriage or in yourself that put you in that position to be drawn to another person, other than the one to whom you're commited?


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## eman (Jun 4, 2012)

foreverheartbroken said:


> This is such a sad story. Sorry to hear about this hell you've been living. It's good that you're working on YOU anyway and the decisions you've made and why.
> 
> Have you thought about the reasons you were drawn to the OW? Even if on the surface you just think oh well because she was attractive at the time, she was fun, one thing led to another, and before I knew it... bad mistake! Looking beyond that is there unbalance you can think of in your marriage or in yourself that put you in that position to be drawn to another person, other than the one to whom you're commited?


I've thought a lot about this. It's hard to come up with an answer that doesn't feel like I'm blame shifting. I know I was being quite selfish at the time. But why was I selfish? I keep going around and around in circles. I will admit that looking back I feel like my STBXW had withdrawn from me a bit... not only emotionally, but physically as well. She would randomly stay at her parents or sisters house because "she worked real late and had to work early again" (her work is maybe 20 minutes away from our house, and her family lives just minutes from her work). She just had excuses like that. I told her it made me feel bad when she didn't come home to our bed, but it didn't seem to matter. 

I was NEVER NOT attracted to my STBXW at any time. In fact I couldn't ever get enough of her. I know that sounds so strange, but that's how I felt. I think she started to purposely work when I was home to avoid me. Maybe I wasn't making her feel loved at home, or maybe she felt neglected. I don't know. That hard part is she NEVER opened up to me to tell me how she really felt.


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## Barnowl (May 31, 2012)

eman said:


> I've thought a lot about this. It's hard to come up with an answer that doesn't feel like I'm blame shifting.


I feel you on this point! I can't come up with anything other than selfishness. The more I hear about your story, the less surprised I am by your wife's reaction. She seems very withdrawn, and didn't seem to show open communication. That makes reconciliation impossible. 

Take care of yourself now. Don't dwell on the situation either (as much as that is possible anyway...). As a human we are fallable. It is what we do with the knwledge gained from those mistakes that makes us who we are in the end. If you need anything, or an ear to listen to, you can always PM me.


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## eman (Jun 4, 2012)

Barnowl said:


> I feel you on this point! I can't come up with anything other than selfishness. The more I hear about your story, the less surprised I am by your wife's reaction. She seems very withdrawn, and didn't seem to show open communication. That makes reconciliation impossible.
> 
> Take care of yourself now. Don't dwell on the situation either (as much as that is possible anyway...). As a human we are fallable. It is what we do with the knwledge gained from those mistakes that makes us who we are in the end. If you need anything, or an ear to listen to, you can always PM me.


Thanks buddy, I really appreciate it. This is a dark place for me right now.


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## foreverheartbroken (Jul 20, 2012)

eman said:


> I've thought a lot about this. It's hard to come up with an answer that doesn't feel like I'm blame shifting. I know I was being quite selfish at the time. But why was I selfish? I keep going around and around in circles. *I will admit that looking back I feel like my STBXW had withdrawn from me a bit... not only emotionally, but physically as well. *She would randomly stay at her parents or sisters house because "she worked real late and had to work early again" (her work is maybe 20 minutes away from our house, and her family lives just minutes from her work). She just had excuses like that. I told her it made me feel bad when she didn't come home to our bed, but it didn't seem to matter.
> 
> I was NEVER NOT attracted to my STBXW at any time. In fact I couldn't ever get enough of her. I know that sounds so strange, but that's how I felt. I think she started to purposely work when I was home to avoid me. Maybe I wasn't making her feel loved at home, or maybe she felt neglected. I don't know. That hard part is she NEVER opened up to me to tell me how she really felt.


Yeah, the part I bolded can be a BIG thing that'll make you vulnerable to some sort of influence in another direction. Not to shift blame away from you but I think you were vulnerable, and so well ... here you are. If you didn't cheat, it could very well have been simply some other reason you would find yourself here referring to your wife as your STBXW, from what it sounds like.... cause to remove herself as a loving presence in your life, physically and emotionally, is a big thing, a BIG problem. We can call what you did selfishness and yes that's true but there are other factors involved, such as what you mentioned, that can bring a person to that very wrong place where you went.


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## eman (Jun 4, 2012)

foreverheartbroken said:


> Yeah, the part I bolded can be a BIG thing that'll make you vulnerable to some sort of influence in another direction. Not to shift blame away from you but I think you were vulnerable, and so well ... here you are. If you didn't cheat, it could very well have been simply some other reason you would find yourself here referring to your wife as your STBXW, from what it sounds like.... cause to remove herself as a loving presence in your life, physically and emotionally, is a big thing, a BIG problem. We can call what you did selfishness and yes that's true but there are other factors involved, such as what you mentioned, that can bring a person to that very wrong place where you went.


I appreciate your words. I guess I've been trying to figure out what I did to push my wife away, or how I will be a better man in my next relationship.

Maybe it sounds like all talk to others on this site, but I feel like if I can make it through this, I'll be a better husband that I ever was before.....only because I know what I did was wrong I never ever want to get in a situation even remotely like what I'm going through. I want to make sure I do everything to the best of my abilities to make my partner happy.


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## foreverheartbroken (Jul 20, 2012)

eman said:


> I appreciate your words. I guess I've been trying to figure out what I did to push my wife away, or how I will be a better man in my next relationship.
> 
> Maybe it sounds like all talk to others on this site, but I feel like if I can make it through this, I'll be a better husband that I ever was before.....only because I know what I did was wrong I never ever want to get in a situation even remotely like what I'm going through. I want to make sure I do everything to the best of my abilities to make my partner happy.


:smthumbup:

I would say best of luck in getting through this but you sound like you're well on your way, I love your attitude.

This is a great place to be for any support or words of advice as you make it through this.


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## eman (Jun 4, 2012)

foreverheartbroken said:


> :smthumbup:
> 
> I would say best of luck in getting through this but you sound like you're well on your way, I love your attitude.
> 
> This is a great place to be for any support or words of advice as you make it through this.


Yes there have been some very supportive people on this forum which I am grateful for. I also started going to this new counselor. I found out as part of my benefits through work that I could see a counselor for free, for a certain number of times. Then i found out that one of the counselors in my area that participated under my benefits came to my work twice a week. So it couldn't get any more convenient than that! This counselor has helped me with my self-esteem and feelings of guilt/shame. I just hate the roller coaster I'm going through. But I have to keep reminding myself that my actions are to blame.


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## Jojara (Aug 1, 2012)

Ok, so you have admitted what you have done, taken responsibility for it, you are suffering the consequences for it, your STBXW is hurt and reacting...

When are you going to stop beating yourself up over it? Nobody is perfect, and as much as you screwed up.....there is another side to it. A side that cannot let herself heal and forgive. In a relationship there is a balance of screw ups-learning-forgiveness....on BOTH sides. 

It sounds like you are taking some really healthy steps to learn and grow. Someday you will have to work on forgiving yourself.

Best luck


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## eman (Jun 4, 2012)

Jojara said:


> Ok, so you have admitted what you have done, taken responsibility for it, you are suffering the consequences for it, your STBXW is hurt and reacting...
> 
> When are you going to stop beating yourself up over it? Nobody is perfect, and as much as you screwed up.....there is another side to it. A side that cannot let herself heal and forgive. In a relationship there is a balance of screw ups-learning-forgiveness....on BOTH sides.
> 
> ...


Yes you are very correct. My counselor has told me the same thing. 

I guess where I get hung up is somewhere between trying to forgive myself, and making sure I don't feel like I am justifying or not taking responsibility for my actions in the process. I need a balance, and that's what I am struggling to find right now. But, I am very hard on myself and always have been. I've never messed up this badly and I need to make sure I learn everything I can from it. If not, it's all for nothing. Maybe that will be the key to forgiving myself......


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