# How to ask for a divorce?



## wild_orchid (Dec 15, 2016)

I have posted on here a while ago... I was confused whether or not a divorce was the "right" thing to do. I just can't escape the feeling of truly wanting things to be over. Is this unfair? 

Our marriage has been completely sexless for over two years. (Mainly due to my husband having ED and zero desire) and I feel like a constant burden ever bringing it up.

Truthfully, I can't bring up absolutely anything uncomfortable without feeling like I'm the worst person on the planet. There's this look of disappointment in his eyes, it makes me feel guilty for being unhappy.. Also the fact that *every* marital topic that we discuss, he will then gossip with his mother and I am bashed and criticized for my feelings... It makes me feel embarrassed and guilty! And lastly I struggle to communicate because he completely shuts down and avoids me for days following any uncomfortable discussions..

Is it unfair to bring up wanting a divorce without trying couples counseling?

For me, it has dawned on me that I was much too young to be married. He was 32 when we met and I was 21.. I was married at age 23 - but I just feel like I did not know what life truly held for me. I am now continuing school, surrounded with more people my age, and I vibe differently with my peers. Me and my husband have zero connection at all. He is a complete homebody and I am the exact opposite. 

We haven't truly been _in love_ for a long time. He just turned 40 and seems to be living an entirely different stage of life than me (I'm about to be 29) and I just want to somehow end things... I want to be free. I want to know what it's like to be independent. I want to be more adventurous and less sedentary. I have never lived on my own before... I went from living at home to living with my husband. What is it like to be on your own? Can I even afford it? 

I am just eager for this new found freedom chapter of my life and can't muster up the words. My husband is truly a wonderful man and I know that he truly loves me... I love him as a person, he's a great best friend and roommate but truly nothing more.


I need someone to talk to. Any guidance?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I got into a big fight with my ex, packed up my bags, and left. I had you beat, 4 years of 100% no sex!

If you have no kids, then just let him know. He already knows. No sex for 2 years is a sham of a marriage. If you don't have your eyes on someone else, then he'll get over this fairly easy. You have needs that are not being met and you are no longer in love with him. Just tell him that. You will crush his world. He'll promise to fix things and will have sex everyday if you don't leave him. Be ready to stand firm and walk out of the house. Get a place to live lined up before you break the news. Living a hotel sucks, trust me. If you want, you can give him 6 months to change. But you already checked out, you can't go back. Just end it.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You don't ask for a divorce. You explain that you have decided to divorce based on the marriage being a miserable sham and then you leave.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

I've never done this but I don't think people usually ask for a divorce, you just decide this is what you want and take the necessary steps.

I got into a serious relationship with a man who was twice my age when I was very young. Unlike you however, I had experienced freedom and independence for quite some time before that. Although he was adventurous, I still felt like I was missing out on the youthful experiences my friends were having. 

Why haven't you guys tried couples counselling? Is he averse to it? What is solutions does he present for the sexlessness?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

its going to be hard. and he will be a baby about it. But just keep your head up and realize your doing the right thing.

Good luck


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## wild_orchid (Dec 15, 2016)

Well, the story is a bit more lengthy than my short post...
Since we have met we have successfully had sex an entire 20 times.
What does that average? 2-3 times a year? And the past two years have been 0%
I know he's aware, but he spends more time convincing me that our marriage is perfect with or without sex. That he loves me and doesn't need to "share our bodies" to be in love. He just sort of side tracks whether it's a need for me or not.

We have no kids... I know he has been walking on eggshells since I have mentioned wanting a divorce before (last April) but I have never brought it up again because I felt so guilty that he was so seemingly devastated.

Nothing changes.. He isn't intimate, romantic, or affectionate whatsoever no matter what I say. His reaction is always somehow something that makes me feel guilty for ever implying I am not happy or satisfied.

I just don't know how to bring it up.. I hate that feeling like I am wrong. I do not have my sight set on anyone else, I just know I hate coming home at the end of everyday and that feeling is miserable.

We live together in my dad's first floor apartment. He would need to find somewhere to go... That is my issue. He really has nowhere to go. I just don't want him to feel like I am kicking him while he's down.. It's stressing me out.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

wild_orchid said:


> Well, the story is a bit more lengthily than my short post...


No, it really isn't. You want a divorce. So get one. It really is that simple. Are you looking for us to talk you out of it or something?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

People used to have to have the permission of their spouse to divorce. Today no one asks for a divorce. One simply tells their spouse they are getting divorced. 

Get a book on divorce in your state. Read it. Understand how it works and what you rights and responsibilities are.

Seek the guidance of an attorney.

Once you are prepared and know what you have to do, tell your spouse that the marriage is over and you are divorcing. That's it.


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## wild_orchid (Dec 15, 2016)

I began individual therapy for myself in June of 2016 and still go... I have asked him countless times to give it a try, that maybe it will get us out of our _funk_ and his response is always "For what? We can talk fine, we don't need a witness."

I just feel deep inside and out that the right thing for my own peace of mind and happiness is to be alone. I want to be free to do the things that I enjoy without feeling like I'm leaving him out or abandoning him to enjoy my own life. Lately he will set curfews, etc. for things I am out doing.

Because of school, work, friends, and therapy - my schedule is a bit hectic and sometimes I will go to the gym around 9pm when I can fit it in and he now sends a text "I'd like you home by 9, that's too late for you to be out alone." But I'm a grown woman? I get irritated. Why doesn't he ever join me?

Now I don't want him to join.. it feels forced and not like a genuine decision to take part in things with me. I can't explain everything that is *off* about this marriage, but it's almost everything.

How do I word it? Is it ok to write him a letter? It concerns me that he won't have anywhere to go... I don't want to be hated and things turn ugly. I'd love to keep a friendship, but more or less just both of us acknowledge that it is *just* a friendship.


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## wild_orchid (Dec 15, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> No, it really isn't. You want a divorce. So get one. It really is that simple. Are you looking for us to talk you out of it or something?


 

I guess I was looking for the absolute most considerate route possible..


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

wild_orchid said:


> I guess I was looking for the absolute most considerate route possible..


It's far more considerate to just DO it already, rather than pretending you feel some way that you don't and agreeing with his delusions.


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## wild_orchid (Dec 15, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> It's far more considerate to just DO it already, rather than pretending you feel some way that you don't and agreeing with his delusions.


 
How? I don't even know how to bring it up... We haven't had a conversation about anything substantial in weeks. We live in a "hi" and "bye" type of routine lately. The most we have said to each other is "How was your day?" "Good, you?" "Good.." and that's it... 

I have no idea how to even go about it... I have tried reading about divorce in my state and how to begin the process, but I just feel like I'm betraying him somehow and if there's a *good way* to have this awkward and uncomfortable talk, I could use some pointers.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

wild_orchid said:


> I began individual therapy for myself in June of 2016 and still go... I have asked him countless times to give it a try, that maybe it will get us out of our _funk_ and his response is always "For what? We can talk fine, we don't need a witness."
> 
> I just feel deep inside and out that the right thing for my own peace of mind and happiness is to be alone. I want to be free to do the things that I enjoy without feeling like I'm leaving him out or abandoning him to enjoy my own life. Lately he will set curfews, etc. for things I am out doing.
> 
> ...


OP, your husband is 40, not 14, he's not going to be homeless. He had a life before you and will have a life after. 

How many more years are you willing to sacrifice? Look around here on TAM, there are people who have stayed in situations similar to yours for decadessss. Learn from their examples.

You know this is not working for you and he's not willing to do anything to change it, even after you brought up divorce. Imagine how exhilarated you will feel when you have moved on. You can do this.

Set a plan for exactly what you plan to do and stick to it. When you start to feel guilty and feel yourself sliding back into the same old routine, go back and look at your plan. Do this for you, you can do this for you.

He is a grown man, a decade older than you, it is sad that you have to feel compelled to stay with him because you're worried he can't fend for himself. That is just not good enough...


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

wild_orchid said:


> How? I don't even know how to bring it up... We haven't had a conversation about anything substantial in weeks. We live in a "hi" and "bye" type of routine lately. The most we have said to each other is "How was your day?" "Good, you?" "Good.." and that's it...
> 
> I have no idea how to even go about it... I have tried reading about divorce in my state and how to begin the process, but I just feel like I'm betraying him somehow and if there's a *good way* to have this awkward and uncomfortable talk, I could use some pointers.


Write it down if you need to. That way you can get everything in there and he can't sidetrack you in the middle of the conversation.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

wild_orchid said:


> How? I don't even know how to bring it up...


What exactly are you 'bringing up'? Is there some question in your mind about whether you really want to divorce him or not?

If not, then what's the problem? You do what CynthiaDe listed out and get a divorce. When you have the process started, you simply tell him what you're doing.

If you tell him before you see a lawyer, what do you think he'd do? Would he beg and grovel? Freak out and hit you? Yell at you? Be happy and relieved?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

If you can't have a conversation with him, then write him a letter. Do not write a long, detailed letter. Write something simple. Here's an example:
Dear Harold,

I can no longer live in a marriage that lacks any kind of emotional or sexual intimacy. This is not a healthy way for either of us to live. There simply is no excuse for doing nothing to resolve our problems and I am no longer willing to live like this.

This letter is to inform you that I have filed for divorce. You will be served on (insert date). I didn't want you to be blindsided and since we don't seem able to talk about anything that matters anymore, I didn't know how to tell you, so I wrote it down.

Sincerely,
Susie Q.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

There's no way to make it comfortable. But if you really want a divorce the best thing to do is just be direct. Schedule a time to talk when you two have nothing else going on, have him sit down, then tell him you want a divorce, and truthfully answer his questions. That is the most respectful way to handle it. In the meantime most courts will have a self help center online that will go through the process with you. If you don't have kids or many assets, then the actual process is fairly straight forward. 

The conversation I'd have with him is one where you tell him that you aren't going down the same path in life anymore. You want an affectionate and intimate relationship and aren't getting what you need. Tell him that you aren't blaming him for anything, just recognizing that there is an incompatibility and you're at the point where you need to make a change.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

wild_orchid said:


> I have posted on here a while ago... I was confused whether or not a divorce was the "right" thing to do. I just can't escape the feeling of truly wanting things to be over. Is this unfair?
> 
> Our marriage has been completely sexless for over two years. (Mainly due to my husband having ED and zero desire) and I feel like a constant burden ever bringing it up.
> 
> ...


My wife did not ask, she just told me and then waited a few weeks before filing and serving me papers.


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## wild_orchid (Dec 15, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> What exactly are you 'bringing up'? Is there some question in your mind about whether you really want to divorce him or not?
> 
> If not, then what's the problem? You do what CynthiaDe listed out and get a divorce. When you have the process started, you simply tell him what you're doing.
> 
> If you tell him before you see a lawyer, what do you think he'd do? Would he beg and grovel? Freak out and hit you? Yell at you? Be happy and relieved?







No, he does not yell nor would he ever hit me...

So in April 2016 I sat down with him and I told him that I was extremely unhappy for quite some time and that I never knew how to express it. I had always felt bad that he was so happy and content and yet I was always yearning for more... 

I have always been extremely patient and sympathetic about his lack of sexual function and desire, but I explained to him that being so young - I really do have a strong sexual desire and need... His initial reaction was an eye roll, he sighed... Shortly after he began crying and didn't speak. (I continued to say more of what I was feeling and just how disconnected we are) and then he said "Don't stay in this marriage for me."

I didn't know how to react to that... I suggested trying couples therapy or doing some _couples building_ activities before just calling it quits. He agreed and said he would do his very best to correct the lack of sex in our relationship.

Since that very discussion, not one single aspect of our relationship has changed... Once in a while he will make little remarks like "I know you want to leave me" from time to time... and I began forming my own hobbies and just doing exactly what I want (like school, traveling, and working out) because I don't have a _safe place_ to come home to or someone to join me in these activities.. I never feel embraced and welcomed, he isn't abusive.

Well, after doing therapy for a while now - the decision has become more apparent and certain for me.. But then an unfortunate series of events has happened during the time too. My husband has an ulcer on his right foot (since June 2016 - still not healed) and this Feb. broke a bone in his left foot, needing surgery, resulted in another open wound and he is now non-weight bearing on his feet. He has been out of work since Feb.

These health issues (which are re-reoccurring over all the years of our marriage) keep happening at the most inopportune times. I do not want to _kick him while he's down_ but I also want to be completely honest? He can't exactly leave with zero income? He has 100% neglected our entire marriage to focus on his own health and healing, therefore our conversationless living situation... I feel guilty for wanting this over.

I don't want him to feel like I'm completely heartless... He thinks this is a time where he _needs me the most_ and this is the time where I want him to rely on himself the most and get his health together. Get his life together! It's just *bad timing* and I know this, but it's now taking over my mental state. I am the most miserable I have ever been and I know it's a conversation I must have... Is there a right way?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Good lord - that's horrible. He's manipulated you into feeling guilty for wanting to end things! He should be TOTALLY ashamed of himself.

You REALLY need to see a lawyer and get the ball rolling and just write him a letter ending things. His passive aggressive "I know you want to end things" comments should be shoved back down his throat - how manipulative!!! HE is the heartless one - to have done this to you. And as for these health issues - again, he's a master at making you feel guilty. He is PERFECTLY capable of taking care of himself, make no mistake about THAT. You're just too convenient for him to give up.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Have you read anything on co-dependence? Your relationship sounds very co-dependant. 
Taking care of someone who doesn't take care of himself along with the lack of mutual care in the relationship. You should be interdependent, not codependent. It seems that he is not taking his responsibility to care for himself seriously, but is depending on you to meet his need while he is not reciprocating in taking care of your needs. Even when one spouse is injured or unhealthy, there are not incapable of having positive, healthy relationships. 

I recommend you get two books: 
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, by Melody Beattie. https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-...490912650&sr=8-1&keywords=codependent+no+more

And

Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives, by Pia Mellody
https://www.amazon.com/Facing-Codep...1&keywords=facing+codependence+by+pia+mellody


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

wild_orchid said:


> No, he does not yell nor would he ever hit me...
> 
> So in April 2016 I sat down with him and I told him that I was extremely unhappy for quite some time and that I never knew how to express it. I had always felt bad that he was so happy and content and yet I was always yearning for more...
> 
> ...


Those "I know you want to leave me" statements are manipulative. They are meant to make you feel sorry and want to prove him wrong.

He rolled his eyes and sighed? Whattttt? Is this how you would respond if your husband came to you and said what you said to him? That response is so wrong and very telling. And the fact that he's made zero changes and then he tries to make you feel guilty for wanting to leave, that deserves an eye roll!


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## wild_orchid (Dec 15, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> Good lord - that's horrible. He's manipulated you into feeling guilty for wanting to end things! He should be TOTALLY ashamed of himself.
> 
> You REALLY need to see a lawyer and get the ball rolling and just write him a letter ending things. His passive aggressive "I know you want to end things" comments should be shoved back down his throat - how manipulative!!! HE is the heartless one - to have done this to you. And as for these health issues - again, he's a master at making you feel guilty. He is PERFECTLY capable of taking care of himself, make no mistake about THAT. You're just too convenient for him to give up.


 

Weird, my mother actually said the same thing... That he is a master manipulator and she tries to encourage me to get out.

I do feel bad about where he will go. What will happen to him? Will we automatically become enemies? His family will begin the harassment and bashing? (They're all very crazy - the type that publicly posts non-stop drama on Facebook and always oversteps their boundaries in other people's relationships) I wasn't totally mentally prepared to be hated just for acknowledging we are not a good fit. We do not compliment each other nor want the same things for the future..

It's such a difficult situation. I guess I will need to contact an attorney and maybe learn what I can before presenting him my letter. Thank you all for listening..


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@wild_orchid, 

I want to remind you of something. Your husband is a GROWN MAN; he's not an infant. All along, all these years, he has had the choice to either address his issues and improve his marriage, or ignore his issues and destroy his marriage. HE is the one who made the choice to ignore his issues and destroy his marriage!!! HE chose that, not you. Now I understand that some men have erectile issues, but that does not preclude ALL SEXUAL CONTACT! He still has fingers and a tongue, and you could buy battery-operated toys or very life-like options to continue having a fulfilling sex life together. HE chose to disregard you and your needs, and further to blame YOU for his choice!!

So here's how healthy, mature adults work: We choose to walk side-by-side in life, but we do not NEED each other in the sense that we would "just die" if we weren't together. We behave in a respectful way. We listen to each other (it's a two-way street), and consider how our choice may affect our spouse. We consistently look at ourselves in the mirror and think, "What do I need to work on to be a better human?" and we do the work. We put our time and effort and money, voluntarily, into our spouse...also knowing that any day they could choose to end it all and we'd be done, and knowing that they are free to do so!! INTER-dependent rather than CO-dependent.

So he made his choice. HE is the one who chose to put himself in the position of having no one care for him, because all he had to do in order to have a loving wife who would be willing to care for him is set aside his pride, go to a doctor for his ED, do what treatment the doc suggests, do some individual counseling to address his issues of denial, and work WITH you as a team to have a satisfactory sex life. In other words: act as if your need for sex was reasonable and address it! That's it!! That's all he had to do, and he decided he didn't want to make that effort. Okay cool...the result of that choice is that he doesn't have anyone to care for him. Too bad for him that he's sick--HE CHOSE!!

If the two of you are living at a place that your parents own, just go file and straight up tell your husband you are divorcing him. Then have your dad help you get him off your dad's property. If there's a lease in your husband's name, your dad can notify him the lease is broken and give him a notice he has X number of days to move out. The end.


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## wild_orchid (Dec 15, 2016)

CynthiaDe said:


> Have you read anything on co-dependence? Your relationship sounds very co-dependant.
> Taking care of someone who doesn't take care of himself along with the lack of mutual care in the relationship. You should be interdependent, not codependent. It seems that he is not taking his responsibility to care for himself seriously, but is depending on you to meet his need while he is not reciprocating in taking care of your needs. Even when one spouse is injured or unhealthy, there are not incapable of having positive, healthy relationships.
> 
> I recommend you get two books:
> ...







Interesting you bring that up.. We actually discussed the co-dependent issues and I did buy the book by Melody and forced him to read it together. We would only read it, however, if I brought it up and said "Would you like to continue the book?" and he would say _"Sure, can you read it out loud?"_ and I would just to put him to sleep. It didn't get me anywhere...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

GuyInColorado said:


> I got into a big fight with my ex, packed up my bags, and left. I had you beat, 4 years of 100% no sex!
> 
> If you have no kids, then just let him know. He already knows. *No sex for 2 years is a sham of a marriage.*If you don't have your eyes on someone else, then he'll get over this fairly easy. You have needs that are not being met and you are no longer in love with him. Just tell him that. You will crush his world. He'll promise to fix things and will have sex everyday if you don't leave him. Be ready to stand firm and walk out of the house. Get a place to live lined up before you break the news. Living a hotel sucks, trust me. If you want, you can give him 6 months to change. But you already checked out, you can't go back. Just end it.


*Hell! No sex for two weeks is a sham of a marriage!*


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## wild_orchid (Dec 15, 2016)

The feeling of bringing it up is so overwhelming... He sits in the same room as me, every single night, on his ipad with headphones in - I just want to scream "HELLO! I'm here?" and just talk. Why are we just silently awkwardly coexisting? Why doesn't he ever want to acknowledge the way over-grown elephant in the room? I feel like I am ready to burst at the seams - I have spent almost an entire year now wanting divorce or change just to literally have sat still and felt guilty this entire time. I have no idea how to suddenly pipe up and just say this is over. Over! I don't want to entertain any idea about saving anything, I just want freedom. I want to sit in my own silence and feel peaceful. I don't want to constantly feel _wrong_ or _ashamed_ for being unhappy! I just can't find the words...


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You're overly concerned about what your horrible examle of a "husband" and his crazy family might think. Who cares? Really, truly, who cares? You're a grown woman. Obviously, not everyone is going to like you or approve of your life choices. So what? If they become hateful on social media, block them. If they harass you, get a restraining order. 

You don't know how to tell him? Why bother telling him anything? He hasn't listened to your opinions and concerns thus far. Just file for the divorce and let him be served. He'll figure it out.

Also, it's not your age. I'm 41. I have a healthy sex drive. No way in hell would I stay in a relationship that didn't include frequent good sex.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

wild_orchid said:


> The feeling of bringing it up is so overwhelming... He sits in the same room as me, every single night, on his ipad with headphones in - I just want to scream "HELLO! I'm here?" and just talk. Why are we just silently awkwardly coexisting? Why doesn't he ever want to acknowledge the way over-grown elephant in the room? I feel like I am ready to burst at the seams - I have spent almost an entire year now wanting divorce or change just to literally have sat still and felt guilty this entire time. I have no idea how to suddenly pipe up and just say this is over. Over! I don't want to entertain any idea about saving anything, I just want freedom. I want to sit in my own silence and feel peaceful. I don't want to constantly feel _wrong_ or _ashamed_ for being unhappy! I just can't find the words...



Ok so it's really hard for you to make the first step. Remember, you don't have to say anything just yet. You can start by filing. If you think you need extra support, speak to your parents. You already know they will support you and them knowing may help you to feel more inclined to speak up.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

wild_orchid said:


> Interesting you bring that up.. We actually discussed the co-dependent issues and I did buy the book by Melody and forced him to read it together. We would only read it, however, if I brought it up and said "Would you like to continue the book?" and he would say _"Sure, can you read it out loud?"_ and I would just to put him to sleep. It didn't get me anywhere...


This tells me that you missed the point of the book. You are trying to get him to do things, but in reality you are the one "doing" the work on your relationship. You are taking care of him, but he does not reciprocate. That is codependence. You can't get someone else out of codependence. You get yourself out of codependence. You are way too focused on your husband and trying to get him on board.

It is good that you have branched out and are now doing things to take proper care of yourself and have your personal needs met without relying on him. But you are still treating him like a baby. Case in point is that you are afraid that he won't be able to take care of himself. He is a grown man. He man have some disability, but he will need to work through that and find a way to take care of himself. It doesn't sound like you're going to abandon him. You'll probably have to pay him alimony.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Many use MC as a stepping stone to a divorce. It is the equivalent of asking a girl to become friends instead of asking her to date you. It sounds so much better to ask for MC than a divorce. You are trying to divorce by taking little steps towards it. Rip the BandAid right off and save money. MC is expensive and adults do not change. You can learn to say nice things about broccoli but that does not change the fact that you still hate it. That is what MC is. They tell you how you should act or be, but they cannot fix what is inside of you that makes you, you. If you think something is stupid, no amount of talking is going to change your mind. At best you will not tell someone what they are doing is stupid. You will learn to say a positive thing instead, but deep down you know it is stupid. You can put a dress on a pig but it is still a pig. My MC friend's wife cheated on him and then divorced him. He did not notice the warning signs and his own MC could not change the fact that she resented him for being a beta male and ran off with an alpha male with more money better looks and a larger penis. Two MC's could not fix that.

Everyday guys are kicked out of their house. They can stay in a cheap motel and even find someone looking for a roommate. I was at a bar not to long ago and the two guys sitting next to me were discussing their divorces. They became roommates. He will find a way and if he does not have the ability or money to do so, you are not losing anything of value. Perhaps living with your family bothered him too. My wife and I lived with my parents for two months awaiting our new home to be built. My wife and I fought a lot and we usually do not fight. I even left my wife for my girlfriend and my wife moved into her girlfriend's apartment. It took a month but we did get back together. Living with family is not a good idea, especially if that family is not yours.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I wasted many years in an unhappy marriage because I didn't have the courage to say the words "I want a divorce". That was a shame on me, I sure wish I could get some of those wasted years back. 

He knows how you feel, you have already broke the ice about your unhappiness and that was the hard part, now it's time to take the next step. I think you just sit him down and say it's time to end our marriage. Expect tears and anger and more manipulation but stand firm and push things forward. It will be a difficult time but the end result will be worth it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What good is it for HIM to read a book on co-dependence ???

And why are you FORCING him to do ANYthing???

Maybe you need to get yourself into some therapy to find out why you are so determined to force him to do what you want him to and become what you think he should be. You do know that that's an exercise in futility, right??

YOU CANNOT MAKE SOMEONE INTO SOMETHING THEY AREN'T. It NEVER works. You're good at doing what you think needs doing, but for OTHERS. Not for YOURSELF. This is a HUGE problem that you need to fix IN YOURSELF. The rest will follow once you do that.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your husband is a life-suck. File for divorce then let him know he needs to make new living arrangements. Stop beating yourself up with guilt, he is a grown man and can take care of himself. If he doesnt, that isnt YOUR problem.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@wild_orchid, 

I have a suggestion. Rather than trying to figure out the exact right words to say (there are no such magical words), and rather than going on and on and on until another year goes by, why don't you start by doing one thing? Actually take an action. YOU...not him. 

For example, today why don't you research divorce attorneys in your area? Today start making a list of all the divorce attorneys you can find within X miles of you. Write down their name, address, phone number, and a little bit about them that you can find online or in the phone book. Work on that today and tomorrow until it's done. 

On Sunday, look at the list and pick your top five. Do your best to pick consistent criteria like you prefer a lady attorney or someone who's been at it for many years, etc. Just pick five you like the most. 

Then on Monday start calling them and find out if they do a free consultation, see if they will tell you their fee, etc. Interview them as if they were applying for a job, because they are! The job is to be your lawyer! Find out more about them. 

Then on Tuesday, find the divorce laws for your state and start reading them! STUDY them! How does your state calculate alimony? What's the process in your state? Knowledge = power to learn about it. 


See, sitting still at home, doing nothing but expecting to find magic words that will convince him to divorce you but not hurt him...is not gonna happen! That's not reality! And it will slowly drive you insane because you are doing the same thing but expecting a different result. If you want the different result, you have to actually DO something different. 

So pick ONE step and actually do that...TODAY. Then pick another ONE step and do that tomorrow. Slowly the steps will result in moving forward.


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## sherrialicia (Jul 10, 2013)

You could leave the web browser open to this thread, I think he might get a clue then lol All kidding aside it's time to be straight with him. He's known for at least a year you weren't happy, he's had time to do something about it but he doesn't care. Is he working now? Depending on how bad you want to be free I'd find an apt for him then present it as "This isn't working, I've filed for divorce and you know why, I've helped you as much as I can but I have nothing more to give, I want my life back. Here's the information for an apt I found that you might be interested in, you have 30 days to move out." (I'd recommend staying elsewhere for that 30 days. You want him to know you're serious and he can't talk you out of it). The problem with these big age gapes is you have nothing in common and you're looking at him as some father figure you don't want to disappoint. He doesn't want a wife he wants an ATM and live in nurse. Why has it taken so long to physically leave when mentally you checked out a long time ago? Let go of the let's be friends dream, you have no kids you need to let him go. He's too co-dependent to be your friend.


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## Some chick (Apr 24, 2014)

wild_orchid said:


> No, he does not yell nor would he ever hit me...
> 
> So in April 2016 I sat down with him and I told him that I was extremely unhappy for quite some time and that I never knew how to express it. I had always felt bad that he was so happy and content and yet I was always yearning for more...
> 
> ...


In your last thread you said he owns his own business and makes "plenty" of money. So what work has he been out of since Feb? Also, why would he have issues finding a place to go if he has plenty of money?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There is no easy way. 

You either tell him you're done -- and stick to it despite any attempts at guilting from him -- or you continue to live that life.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

1.) File for divorce.
2.) Say, "I filed for divorce."


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Send him a text


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

You can do it like some do, in stages. First ask for marriage counselling. Then a trial separation and finally a divorce. You can also just go to a lawyer and have him draw up divorce papers and then hand them to your spouse. The first way seems popular as it lets your spouse have hope until you are living apart and then say that you met someone else.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Are you able to take care of yourself now?

You said in your thread last year that you separated for a month but you could not make it on your own, so he moved back in. Just tell him that it has been almost a year and nothing has changed from his end and that he needs to move out because you are going to be filing for divorce.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Oh wow.... Going thru this myself.. Go see a lawyer and talk to him/her about it. Once you retain one, it will move forward. I've talked with a couple different ones but haven't retained one cuz I'm hoping he will do what's right. 

I know it's your dad's apt BUT I think you should give him an option to stay or go.. He can pay rent. Just a thought since you felt bad about divorcing..


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

If you're going to go through with this... you need to get comfortable with him being upset.
Honestly, my marriage sounds EXACTLY like this; so much so that it's kinda freaky. I've started my plans to divorce. But, it took me 2 years to get comfortable with the idea that he will most likely peg me as a bad guy. I just got to the point where I was so fed up, that I don't care WHAT he thinks of me... I know what's true in my heart, and I'm following that. All the people in my life that love and support me will understand why I'm leaving. 

You need to find some confidence before making a move. He will be crushed. He will use guilt. He may hate you... and you know what, you have to let him. He is entitled to those feelings; you can't do this while remaining his saving grace.

You just have to do it. Rip the bandaid. Find strength... trust your instinct and tell him, "I'm not happy, I want a divorce. You need to start looking for your own place. You have (insert time frame) days to find a place and move out."


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## Lukedog (Nov 18, 2015)

Your husband sounds an awful lot like mine. Avoids the issues at all cost. 

There is no easy way to say it, write it, text it or serve it. Just do it. Seriously. There will be hurt feelings and hurt pride. There will be depression and anxiety, there will be plenty of guilt trips, but you have to go through that to get to the other side. You have no kids together and don't own a home so the process for you is a lot easier. 

My advise would be to go see a lawyer and find out what your rights and responsibilities are. Get your ducks in a row legally first then tell him. Best of luck!


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Don't feel guilty. He's minimizing your feelings and unwilling to hear you out on important marital issues. That is a form of neglect, in addition to sexual neglect. This man is not a nice, kind, loving man. He likely picked you for a reason- you were someone he could control. 

Prove him wrong. You're stronger than that. He can go live with his mother.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Not only neglectful but abusive. Giving you the silent treatment for days is abusive.

OP, you have a plethora of reasons to get out of this relationship. You have all you need. 

If you are waiting for him to tell you it's ok, that isn't going to happen. Why would he ever just let you go? All his needs are being met. 

And why should it matter to you or anyone else who is the "bad guy" at the end of the day? You aren't happy and you two aren't compatible any more. You've changed in the past 7 years and outgrown him. He hasn't and won't.

Accept it and move on.


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