# Q for the ladies...



## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Here is a communication situation I would like some advice on:
* W is a SAHM
* her mom, my MIL, just had major surgery
* my W is there helping her recover, been gone ~ a week, probably be 5ish days longer (9 hour drive away)
* She repeatedly keeps saying 'thanks for letting me do this', 'I know I am putting you and the kids out for this', etc.
* I think - a) glad you could go to do this for your mom , b) you don't need to thank me, c) I miss you d) I don't want to belittle her by saying her job as a SAHM is a piece of cake.

Anyway, I want her to know that she doesn't really need to be thankful, we understand and at the same time I am concerned about putting foot in mouth. Any advice appreciated.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

"Honey, you don't have to keep thanking me! The kids and I miss you and can't wait to have you home, but we can manage for a while longer. What's important is that you're there for your mom. She needs you the most right now. We'll be fine, really!"

Keep the tone light, calm and soothing, and positive.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Can't you just say you're welcome, I know you'd do the same for me?

There are a LOT of men who would have a problem with this. My ex and I got into a HUGE fight when he accused me of being a bad mother to my own kids when I stayed in the hospital/delivery room for my twin sister's extended labor and delivery of the only child she'll ever give birth to. And that was less than 48 hours total. If I was gone as long as your wife has been gone (for my mother no less), he would NOT have been supportive. Your wife knows this about some men and is grateful you're not one of them, so yes, she does have a right to be thankful for you!  Let her be!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that the best response is simply something like:

"I'm glad that you could do this for your mom, take good care of her. I miss you so much."

That's it. Simple.

Without you taking over in taking care of the children, etc. she could not have gone. She's thanking you for doing that. Be glad that she realizes that you too are stepping up to the plate to help her mother... you are doing it indirectly by taking over for her.

As for her job as a SAHM being a piece of cake... that's probably best left unsaid as it sound condescending. I'm sure that there are things that she does that are not getting done right now.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Rowan said:


> "Honey, you don't have to keep thanking me! The kids and I miss you and can't wait to have you home, but we can manage for a while longer. What's important is that you're there for your mom. She needs you the most right now. We'll be fine, really!"



What Rowan said!


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Yup what Rowan said. 

And that SAHM thing might be easy for a week or two but after about 6 months when baseboards, window sills, the fridge (and under it) need the deep cleaning type of work, you'd see there's more to it. Yes, things can cruise along for a while with minimal stuff being done when other things require attention, but eventually stuff gets backed up and neglect begins to show.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

naiveonedave said:


> Here is a communication situation I would like some advice on:
> * W is a SAHM
> * her mom, my MIL, just had major surgery
> * my W is there helping her recover, been gone ~ a week, probably be 5ish days longer (9 hour drive away)
> ...


C'mon yes you do.
Reminds me of my ex who thought that it was all a piece of cake until we divorced and he had the kids 50/50. He always looks unkempt now, his house is always a mess. He doesn't manage to do half the running around after the kids that I do.


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