# How to leave? its all such a mess..



## idkwot2do (Dec 29, 2012)

I dont know what to do. I keep waiting for the right time or for something to happen that might some how make this situation easier but i know im just procrastinating because this thing is too hard and while i do my life is slipping away, I will turn 37 next year and i feel as though i have been waiting for the past 10 years for my life to begin. I met my husband wen i was 19 and he was 39, at the time i had no family , no stability and was just surviving in the world, our relationship began with drugs. I loved him and was feircly loyal and faithful.....a few years later my daughter was born, and 3 years after that my son.We got married before my son was born.For those first 5 years he was heavily in the drug scene (I stopped dpoing drugs wen i found out iwas preganant) and I found out that he was having many affairs with sleazy woman. looking back i now realize how low my self esteem was to stay through that...i worked always and made sure we always had a roof over our head.And I was always trying for and dreaming of us being that happy little family. He was in and out of jail for years and wasnt there for most of my childrens toddler years, but still i waited for him.As the years progressed he did many bad things against our marriage and my trust and it turned into resentment.But for some reason i always felt like i needed him. When i turned 30 i started realizing a change in my mindset, i started feeling as though i know who am now and wot i deserve. then a man came into my life....and i let him in.....he showed me what it felt like to be truly loved and wot happiness could be. I left my husband for almost two years and he just gave up...when i left him he moved onto the beach as a homeless man and looked as though he would die. because of my children i gave in and took him back ....his guilt trips and mind games were too much for me.Shortly after that the man who showed me true love died suddenly, which i still cant get over. now its 3 years later and i am so completely unhappy i dont know what to do....we have not slept together in over two years and i have told him i dont love him anymore and that i want a divorce. but its like he refuses to hear wot im saying...he acts as though i have said nothing....I am afraid to leave him, he is now 55 and i cant bear to watch him be so helpless the way he was last time i left him even though i know its all a manipulating act. I feel as though the only reason he really wants to force me to stay married to him is because i pay all the bills, take care of the family...without me he doesnt know how to survive. he doesnt seem to care that i am miserable and he always uses my kids to make me feel guilty. I have met someone else and i really want to be free of this unhealthy relationship and move on with my life as I have wasted 15 years on this marriage that is and has been so unhappy, but I feel frozen, I cant talk to him, he makes everything into so much drama especially for my kids....I just dont know what to do?? If i leave him and he dies...will my kids blame me? will i blame me???


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

It's not up to you to take so much responsibility for another person's life. Have you talked to your children about this? Even though they're still pretty young, they *are* old enough to understand that people can make choices. 

I'd recommend talking with them about this in a way that does not demonize their dad, but teaches them that you want their dad and you to have a chance to find happiness, and that you cannot do it together. Let them know that you want to divorce their dad soon. Ease them into it and plan to have a few conversations and satisfy their questions and worries before you actually take the step of leaving.


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## idkwot2do (Dec 29, 2012)

Thanks for your advice, I really do appreciate it as I really have no idea how to handle this situation. I will talk with my kids before I make a move. I was hoping to hear more opionions and advice, It took me a while to type my story and I left out alot of stuff but I guess its not interesting enough for most people.


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## idkwot2do (Dec 29, 2012)

*Cheating - guilt trips - resentment*

Has anyone ever felt as stuck as I do? I feel like a prisoner in my own life. I pay for everything.....I take care of the family. I have told him its over but he still trys and knows how to control me with guilt. Am I just weak? I have no freedom, I cant even go anywhere after dark without huge drama when i get home. If I have friends hes jelous. But there is no relationship between us nothing, its over completely and he know it but he refuses to give me my freedom. I think I am so afraid of all the drama that will come because its always huge. And then after that will come the guilt when i leave he will be so helpless and try to die. please help me I really do need advice.


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## SadSadWoman (Dec 30, 2012)

Dear IDKWOT2DO,
On the contrary, your story shows what a difficult time you have endured but also what a strong woman you are. I am considering leaving my husband as well, but for very different reasons and there are no children involved. We only get one shot at life - and though you say you have wasted the last 15 years, I bet if you look at what has happened there is some good in those years. Your children, for example. The love you experienced with the other man, though you only had a short time together. I always believe that once we have experienced true love we know that we can find it again. I have not been lucky enough to find true love and am now 48. 
But how to make the move to start the rest of your life? I would suggest that if you can afford it, maybe attend a therapist who will help you find the inner strength and self-esteem to make these changes. It is usually our sense of self that stands in the way of us doing what is best for us. Perhaps then talk to your children. Make plans and take it a step at a time. And I wish you every happiness in the future.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

People can only MAKE you feel bad if you LET them!

He manipulates you and makes you feel guilty & cr*ppy because sacrificing 15 years of your life to HIM is NOT ENOUGH. HE WANTS IT ALL!

Is he entitled to it all? IS HE? No! Then WHY do you allow HIM to tell you how YOU will live your life? Of course you're screwed up, he's been messing with your mind for years. He's also messed with the kids' minds THEIR WHOLE LIVES. Don't go by what THEY think!

Call a hotline for abused women (you're being emotionally abused). Talking to them will help. They may be able to help. Maybe your bf can help you move out. You really need to find/make a real-world support group that will hold you accountable for making positive changes in the Real world like TAM can do for you here on the internet.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Can you afford to pay him some support money for a year? Can you find a room somewhere for him to rent? Just to get the ball rolling and so he can't do the 'homeless' routine. 
If you haven't slept together in 2 years that is your SIGN to get the hell out. 
Of course he refuses to give up his meal ticket! Who would give that up voluntarily??
Action, not words, find him somewhere to live. He is not your child, you are not his mother. 
You don't want to be seen as the 'mean person' You have to get over that. Staying with a man you don't love is a horrible example for your children.
Your kids won't thank you for staying in the years to come, they can sense the misery in the household despite what you may think.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

*Re: Cheating - guilt trips - resentment*



> But there is no relationship between us nothing, its over completely and he know it but he refuses to give me my freedom.


I am sorry for all of this but forgive my bluntness:

You are not in jail & he is not the warden. He does not "really" have the power to give you your freedom but you give him that power.

Why doesn't he work? Has he ever worked? If not, your co-dependent on his mess of a life.

You have no marriage. You don't love or like him. You have multiple affairs. So make it legal & file for divorce. You will probably have to pay him alimony so then he will have an income to take care of himself.

Stop playing the "victim" card. Unless he has you bound & gagged in a closet, then you are a "volunteer" in your lifestyle with him.

Good luck.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

The first time you and your husband split up, you were having an affair with another man. From what I'm reading in your post, it sounds like you are, or are contemplating, getting involved with another man if/when you leave your husband. I'd suggest you take a time-out from men. 

You can support yourself and your kids. Your husband is doing nothing more than leeching off you and manipulating your guilt feelings.

Here's my take on this. You don't need to feel guilty leaving your husband. In fact, he sounds like a terrible role model. Is he still active in his addiction? Even if he isn't he has the mindset of an addict. Who the heck needs this in their lives? You are doing your kids no favor by staying.

Also, forget hooking up with another man for the time being. You don't need a man in your life. Make your sanity and your kids priority #1.

You sound codependent to me. You take too much responsibility for your husband's life and his bad choices. Believe me, he knows that and he's playing you with the guilt trip. Codies feel excessive guilt and responsibility for the lives of other people. 

Consider getting this man out of your life for good, don't get involved with another man for awhile, and get into IC to find out why you're allowing a man to manipulate and use you. You deserve better.


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## idkwot2do (Dec 29, 2012)

Thank you for your advice and I appreciate it no matter how blunt it is. I dont feel as though I play the victim card because I am a strong person. The last thing I would ever consider myself as is a victim and if you knew me I think you would agree. This is just something I dont know how to go about doing, I know I MUST leave and Want to more than anything but last time I did that it was a horrible experience and I know divorce is probably suppose to be a horrible experience. you just dont know how incredibly manipulating and helpless he can be and how he gives up and lays down and dies. You read the words but you dont know him. I mean I do care about him, when I leave I want him to be ok, I dont hate him he is the father of my kids. He has almost never worked, and when he does he gets fired. You are right I am not his mother and he is 20 years older than me but sometimes i feel like his mother because i have been taking care of him for so long. I would pay his bills for him just so i could be free of him but the guilt trips will still be there. Maybe it is all in my head the way I feel stuck, I am just so used to taking all the resonsibility, its always been on me. I know this situation sounds weird and maybe crazy to some people and I know its very very unhealthy. I will get the courage to leave for my kids sake. thank you.


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## idkwot2do (Dec 29, 2012)

Thankyou Prodigal I have wondered before if I am codependant as I have heard of this before and I think you are right. And I agree with everything you said.....you have given me some very good advice and I thank you for that.


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## idkwot2do (Dec 29, 2012)

He is no longer doing drugs because we moved to a us territory about two years ago where he spent time in jail and is now out on probation for 5 years and he gets regualr testing. And this is part of the problem, now we live in this place which is not were we are from but where he was born. I have made alot of freinds here and have a good job but he on the other hand refuses to even try to be happy here. where we lived before for the past 15 years he had alot of freinds and support but he stiill acted helpless when i left him. so that is why i am afraid to leave here because this time he will be much worse with no freinds, no happiness, nothing. I feel as though this hole we have dug has just gotten deeper and deeper over the past few years and i dont know how to get out.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Pick up a copy of Melodie Beattie's classic on codependency, _Codependent No More._ Your husband will probably continue doing whatever he can to make you feel guilty. With counseling and time, you will see that you don't need to feel guilty. It's just a form of manipulation he's used over the years to keep you sucked into a toxic relationship.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

You are playing the victim because he has the ability to make you feel guilty. His life choices led him to where he is. Your life choices led you to where you are. You are in a better place.

Since you say "wot" it makes me wonder where you live. Even just a country is helpful because some advice/resources aren't available everywhere.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Okay I apologize for mis-reading that you are playing the victim card & that you don't care for him. I hope everything works out for you.


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