# I need help with my marriage!



## Pfizer (May 17, 2014)

My situation is crappy ATM and I really don't know what to do.

For a few years I have had severe sleep apnoea and it took a while to get a diagnosis ( due to an arrogant doctor). It was my wife who actually recorded me holding my breath at night which meant they had no choice but to give me treatment. Through out all of this I had none to very little energy and because I would fall asleep a lot I would eat and drink high volumes of sugar. Because of that I gained lots of weight. Once we got my diagnosis my energy levels started to come back initially however I soon started feeling low after two weeks and this was because my anti depressants I was taking ( depression being a side effect of sleep apnoea) started to mess with my head whilst on this treatment. I then came off of my anti depressants and this meant that I became a bit snappy but overall I've always been a good guy. Just little energy so a lot of the burden fell to my wife with chores and looking after the kids.

The idea that I was a burden to my wife kills me inside and even though there wasn't anything I could of done about it I still feel ashamed.

I got my diagnosis in October and over Christmas I was coming of anti depressants and everything was great. I was taking over the child care of our two boys. We went to visit my wife's mother at Christmas and we had a great time. My wife and I were cuddling holding hands and kissing a lot.

Because of work I had to go back early and my wife stayed on for another week.

Whilst my wife was down there an old boyfriend of hers back when she was 16 came to see her. They had been chatting on Facebook when he came to visit her he told that he still loves her and hasn't stopped loving her. My wife told him at the time that he had no chance and that she was married and had kids.

I had no idea of this at the time and slowly but surely I was making improvements and I was getting our budget sorted for bills and trying to free up money, I manage to free up about £700 per month so that we could start to save money as we wanted to try for another baby in May. I noticed that Jane had started locking her phone and she had changed her password on her work laptop and surprised by refusing to tell me the new password( apparently she didn't like me "snooping" I was shocked as I never really snooped on her Facebook and was surprised. Then about a week later I got out of bed and got the kids ready for the day I also made her a cup of tea and took upto her. It was at this point she told me that she wasn't sure if she loved me and had arranged for her mum to come pick her up. I have to admit I felt heart broken and didn't know what to say. So I tried to please with her and she just told me she was going and there wasn't anything I could so to stop her. Her mother came up the next day and took her to her house with my two boys.

She told me that she wanted the house sorted out and that it was too cluttered. We were also having our kitchen refitted at the time. So I spent two weeks away from my kids sorting out the house and getting it better. I went to her mums and picked them up and brought them home. My wife was very offish with me but said we should try again. The next morning my wife woke up and went to the bathroom it was at this point I noticed her phone was unlocked. Though I felt like I shouldn't I read a message on it where she was pleading a guy to go out with her. Saying that he was the love of her life and her soul mate. When I read this I was so shocked I collapsed into a heap and I had a panic attack ( this isn't something I normally suffer from ) after I recovered I confronted my wife who started crying and told me that she loved him and not me.

It turns out that she cheated on me the first night she went down there. Her mother was at her boyfriends and he came around to see her and she had sex with him twice. He then left and despite telling that he loved her all these years before he suddenly decided that he no longer loved her. He then blocked her on every communication and told her that she had broken his heart because she had used him..apparently this happened because my wife told him that she couldn't just break up with me and live in the some house until she was able to move down with him.

Anyway my wife and I have been living separated in the same house for about four months and it had largely been difficult. My wife told me that I was pushing her away by keeping on about us trying again and that she needed space. I couldn't do this and she has since got a job near her mothers and not to far from this guy. She has moved in with her mother for about a week and so far hasn't spoken to this guy.

I'm finding it very hard. I miss her and the kids. Every time I bring us up she tells me that it's repetitive and boring and it seems to bring up a barrier which puts me in a crappy mood.

She tells me that she doesn't want a relationship with me at the moment and that she just needs her space. 

She says she wants to speak with this other guy but says that even though she loves him she doesn't think she could go out with him because of the way he has treated her.

This guy also sent me some texts, he had my number because she used my phone when he had blocked her number. In his texts he tried to make me feel sorry for him by telling me that he had no friends and that he was on the strongest of anti depressants. That he was in large a large amount of dept and was considering bankruptcy and finally he is addicted to prescription pain killers.
( quite the catch eh?) apparently my wife thinks he is scared of me and this is his way of stopping me from harming him. 


So this is one massive crappy situation that I would like to get some advice on. I really want to make a go of it and I do forgive her this once.

Sorry for the essay

Pfizer


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ask her to have the children DNA tested. This is not to test the parentage of the children, it is to show your wife how little you can trust her.

DNA testing in the UK needs the permission of both parents, as I understand it.

You need to work out what you want and move forward to get that, if possible.

Relationship counselling is worth exploring.

And ASAP get STD/HIV testing arranged.

A lie detector session for her might be worth looking into.


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## Pfizer (May 17, 2014)

This comes across as a little extreme tbh


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I would divorce her ASAP. If you actually want her back act as though you are going to divorce her. You wanting to reconcile turns her off even more strangely enough. She has to feel threatened by your dissolving the marriage. Then again she may welcome the divorce and you will be way ahead of her. Sorry she stomped the living sh1t out of your soul. You will make it though stay strong my friend.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Pfizer said:


> This comes across as a little extreme tbh


Don't you think her fvcking another man and wanting to be with him instead of you is a little extreme?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Pfizer said:


> This comes across as a little extreme tbh


Really? :scratchhead:

Which parts?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You are in an extreme situation. Extreme measures are called for. 

Your wife knows about all his issues?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does her mother know about the affair?

Get the book "Surviving an Affair" it will tell you how to handle this and perhaps save your marriage.


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## Pfizer (May 17, 2014)

I was sure to show her the texts and I mocked how pathetic and weak he was. She didn't like that


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## Pfizer (May 17, 2014)

Her mother found..my wife told her she fell in love with someone else and that was it. I then informed her of the rest


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Pfizer said:


> Her mother found..my wife told her she fell in love with someone else and that was it. I then informed her of the rest


So what's her mother's reaction? Does she just accept that her daughter is cheating?


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

As you may have read before, "need space" is cheater code for "want freedom to have sex with someone else".

She seems to be checking out, and falsely thinks the other guy is some catch. Let them have each other.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How often are you seeing your children?

You probably need to see an attorney to establish your custody rights. The longer your children are with their mother like this, the less likely you will get much in the way of custody and visitation rights.

Generally people are advised to not allow their spouse ot move out with the children. The children stay in the family home. She wants to go? She can go with out her children.


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## Pfizer (May 17, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> So what's her mother's reaction? Does she just accept that her daughter is cheating?


She believes me and my wife knows that she knows.

Her reaction was to say she doesn't condone her behaviour, however she won't say anything negatively towards her. She has told her to give me another try.


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## Pfizer (May 17, 2014)

Well, the plan is that will be moving down to that part of the country in approximately six weeks and we will have joint custody


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## Pfizer (May 17, 2014)

Forest said:


> As you may have read before, "need space" is cheater code for "want freedom to have sex with someone else".
> 
> She seems to be checking out, and falsely thinks the other guy is some catch. Let them have each other.


I've been tempted but my children are involved..it would be like leaving them aboard a sinking vessel


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## Turin74 (Apr 11, 2014)

Pfizer said:


> I've been tempted but my children are involved..it would be like leaving them aboard a sinking vessel


If you want to use that analogy... you family vessel is sinking... you may decide to stay with your kids on it... for the time being it looks safe and cosy... but your bilge pump is not coping and you will sink with it. Or you can put yourself and your kids on the raft... you may struggle, but that's the only chance to survive.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## HubbyDaddy2013 (Jul 2, 2013)

Dude! She cheated on you, and is not remorseful about it. She has actually told you she loves this other guy, and not you. Time to Divorce Her.


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## Pfizer (May 17, 2014)

This will be incredibly hard to do.

Though I am starting to realise in an odd way that perhaps I also love some one else the person she used to be and not the one she has become


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Pfizer said:


> This will be incredibly hard to do.
> 
> Though I am starting to realise in an odd way that perhaps I also love some one else the person she used to be and not the one she has become


This realization is the one that will set you free.

She is not who you thought and certainly not the one who loves you equally as much as you love her.

Time to sign off on this and bail.

Sorry to say but from reading your situation you need to be doing a lot more about improving your own self and not trying to re-coup a cheating wife.

I agree with MattMatt, get the DNA testing etc, you might be in for the ride of your life and beeter to find out now that you are not the father than when they need a kidney.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Why are you moving? Do you live in th e U.S.?

If you do, I doubt state law allows your wife to take the kids and move very far from you. This issue could be another affair buster.

Using his texts, you may be able to get a restraing order against him to keep him away from your children.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You are coming to the realization that your wife's feelings are out of your control. By divorcing she will have to confront life without you. The shock may get to see something besides OM. The reality of life with OM can't be so promising. If she goes to him, their relationship will likely collapse before too long.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Don't really know how many more ways she can tell you she doesn't want to be with you.

She detached, she had/having sex with him, she's not sorry and not interested in working on your marriage *kind of hard when you're in love with someone who used you for a piece of *ss)

She moved out, she wants "space", she tells you all talk of reconciliation is boring, your begging is boring. Are you getting the hint?

What she's doing is cake eating. What she's doing with this guy is exactly what your doing with her. Nobody like being rejected, not you, not her. She's still pursuing the guy and you're still pursuing her. Meanwhile she hasn't divorced you because she wants you around because she knows this relationship with OM is doomed.

Stop enabling her behavior. She wants space then give her papers to sign and she can have all the space she wants. You want to R for the kids then give yourself a fighting chance and get her head out of the clouds and focused on reality and what she has to lose.

Stop being a NiceGuy.


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## Pfizer (May 17, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> Why are you moving? Do you live in th e U.S.? I live in the uk and my wife has moved 200 miles west to a county called Cornwall
> 
> If you do, I doubt state law allows your wife to take the kids and move very far from you. This issue could be another affair buster.
> 
> Using his texts, you may be able to get a restraing order against him to keep him away from your children.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Look. You can still be with your kids. They know who their Dad is and they aren't going to forget. You can still be a good Dad and not have to live with a cheating cake eater.

Let her go. Why you would want to stay with a woman who freely gives herself to another man and doesn't care how bad she hurts you. No one deserves that and the sooner you realize that, the better off you'll be. All she is right now is a stranger that looks like your wife. You can do better than this.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you talked to an attorney? In this country, one isn't allowed to run off and take the children away from the other parent?


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## Pfizer (May 17, 2014)

Not yet. I have emailed her a book I just bought called woman's infidelity. I found it in a link a previous poster posted.

At first she started to get guard up but she has been telling me that she has some nightmares recently which is to do with drowning in water..she believes this is reflective of her emotional state so I proposed this book to her.

I live in the UK and she has moved 200 miles from me


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Pfizer said:


> I live in the UK and she has moved 200 miles from me


Are you sure she can legally take your kids away from you?


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Thound said:


> I would divorce her ASAP. If you actually want her back act as though you are going to divorce her. You wanting to reconcile turns her off even more strangely enough. She has to feel threatened by your dissolving the marriage. Then again she may welcome the divorce and you will be way ahead of her. Sorry she stomped the living sh1t out of your soul. You will make it though stay strong my friend.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
Sorry you are in such a horrible situation Pfizer. 

Get divorce papers - download some from the net and fill them out yourself if you can't get provisional ones from a lawyer. 
Put them on the table and tell her she has given you no choice but to file and that you will not stand by and have the mother of your children begging some guy to be with her as if she's a love sick teenager and that it is disrespectful beyond belief to you and you will NOT put up with it. Tell her she can go to her mother's to be near him but the kids MUST stay in the family home. 

Say nothing else because then you will get your answer: 
- She may agree that it's time for you to divorce and that she would like to go ahead with it. 
or. . . 
- Being hit with the reality of it like that she may think twice and say that she wants to R. 

Nothing to lose OP because either way you will get your answer as to whether she really has checked out. 

You have got to stop the affair & threatening D is about the only way you can. It's the only weapon you've got. 

She's bullying you. Stand up to her. She has no respect for you but if you hit her out of the blue with D papers you may find that she will start having respect for you. You won't 'nice' yourself out of this one as they say.

Get some fire in your belly and don't let your children be dragged around the country like that. And tell her that you are disgusted by her selfish and disgraceful behaviour. 

You don't deserve this Pfizer. Nobody does.

PS Are you moving there too? Think twice about enabling her behaviour.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Another thing, she moved away from you, now you're moving to where she is. Why?
She running away from you and you're chasing her like a lost puppy. 
Checklist:
Begging
Pleading
Chasing
Not listening to what she's trying to tell you

How many would you tick off?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You are getting good advice about you staying put----you have a job where you are---if you move and can't get a job, or end up with less pay---what good are you---for yourself, or your kids

YOU NEED TO STAY PUT AND KEEP THE JOB YOU HAVE

As to your so called wife, who by the way is a very bad mother---anyone who cheats and destroys a family, especially one that was functioning reasonably well is a bad parent---anyway---she must have been in contact with her old lover ---prior to going to her mother's, otherwise how does it work out that the 1st day she gets to her mothers---SHE IS IN BED WITH HER OLD LOVER

She didn't make it with him, when they were younger, why was that---now he dumps her---why is that---from his perspective as to now---he probably found out she wasn't what he thought she was----she just wasn't that good old 16 yr old he once knew---also she is now loaded down with kids

So where does that put her----she doesn't have much choice---she knows in her own mind she has to come back to you---to be able to function

DO NOT LET HER JUST COME BACK--------REMEMBER SHE LEFT YOU FOR ANOTHER MAN---SHE VERY HAPPILY IN HER OWN MIND WAS DONE WITH YOU----

Why did she leave---we all know it was for 1 thing and 1 thing only---what she thought was gonna be some hot sex---why else go to him---it certainly couldn't have been to have a stable life---AS HE IS A COMPLETE LOSER----even tho she was willing to destroy the decent lives her kids were living---just so she could have sex with another man

At this point if you decide to try and make this mge work----you need TO SET ALL THE RULES AND BOUNDARIES---AND SHE DOES NOT GET A SAY IN THE MATTER---remember she was the one who LEFT

If she wants back into the mge---she comes back to where you NOW LIVE AND WORK----also at this point file for D, and ask for sole custody---lets see how she handles that-----doing this lets her know you are deadly serious about what is going on---and it puts her on the defensive----she now knows---that all of a sudden, she may be out on her own----she will start to think twice about her decisions.

No matter what do not be nice about how you handle this situation---remember---she left you at the drop of a hat---FOR ANOTHER MAN--------and now she is in MOURNING FOR THAT OTHER MAN---SHE IS NOT IN MOURNING FOR HER LOST MGE

Time for you to START RESPECTING YOURSELF


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Put mr pathetic on cheaterville.


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## sandals (May 8, 2014)

How old are your children? Have you had any contact with them since she left?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

So far you've been her faithful puppy. The one who keeps returning to it's owner in hopes of getting a pat on the head every once in a while - but instead gets a boot to the hiney. 

Stop being as pup and learn to bare your teeth when needed. 
Start by seeing a lawyer and explaining the entire situation. To be treated like a man you have to act like one. If you don't respect yourself who do you think will?

Yes your children will suffer but it's not your doing that is at the root is it? 

You should demand the children return to their own home. You should stay put as well. Don't go chasing after her in the hopes of getting a pat on the head. 

She doesn't want you. She's made that as clear as she can. The reason is that the other guy (OM) professed his love for her ONCE and she immediately chucked you. What does that say about her? Nice catch.... NOT.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

you have 2 choices man, 1 keep doing it your way and have 0 chance of saving your family or 2 listen to what people here are saying and have a small chance of saving it. the only chance you have is to move on.

tell her she won you are done and that guy can have her,you dont want a woman who cheats. that she will be happy with a guy that will screw married women for fun. go see a lawyer get your visitation sorted outand get the divorce started.

most importantly ONLY talk to her about the kids if she brings up anything else tell her not your problem anymore. ONLY ABOUT THE KIDS!

remember you are setting an example for them what kid could respect a parent that lets the other walk all over them.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"She tells me that she doesn't want a relationship with me at the moment and that she just needs her space."

So why are you desperately chasing her?

Why would you even want a woman who could do this to you?

Take control back.

Serve her D papers and tell her the issue is no longer that she doesn't want a relationship with you, the real issue is you no longer want her since she is a traitorous person.

See how she reacts to YOUR rejection and dismissal of her.

That might wake her up to the fact she is losing her nice life, and not on her terms but on yours.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Step back and take a good look at things. Likely you are the guy making life possible for everyone. You've worked hard, learned well, been responsible and financially support the family for the most part.

Who better to make decisions? Her? You've got enough info to sink her stinking, sinking ship. I assume courts in the UK take a dim view of drug abusers raising children among other drug abusers, while living in adultery, right?

Hit her right away. Get emergency custody, expose her as irresponsible and dangerous to be around the kids. Its the truth! Bring the roof down on this shady business, and protect your kids, while holding your head high. What would Churchill do? Don't fall into the trap that punishing her will hurt the kids. She's punishing the heck out of you and doesn't give a flip.

Oh yes. As a Brit, listen to this, you're sure to respect every word:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJ4iyQT594c


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

https://www.gov.uk/divorce


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