# starting over is so hard



## trinolvon (Jun 13, 2012)

I have been married for almost 9 years now. I have not been faithful to my wife the whole time we were married. Im a military man, so im always been far from my family. We had a son on our first year of married. During that 8 plus years i have cheated on my wife so many times i cant even count, i've had 3 serious relationship with 3 different women that lasted for years. My wife never suspected a thing. But i was the fool, I have enjoyed my life so much away from my family that i didnt notice a thing that my wife was having an affair too, for 8 months, 4 years into our marriage. And the worst thing of all was she got pregnant, she thought it was mine. I did not suspect a thing. Now 4 years later, to get citizenship we had to do a DNA testing for my twin daughters, lo and behold...not mine. I was so devastated. I wanted to end the marriage right there and then but i loved those kids so much, they are my life. I just cant destroy their life. My wife was devastated also, remorseful. She said she did it because she could'nt feel my love anymore, and this guy was giving her all the attention that she needed. This other guy also thought that the kid was mine, they were doing it while she was pregnant thinking the kid was mine. My wife honestly thought that she was impregnated by me. Now after all this discoveries, we decided to talk to the chaplain and be honest with each other, start our life over.Now...i told her all about my affairs...all the women...and the 3 serious relationship ( different times) that made me almost left my family before even i found out that the kids are not mine. We promised to be honest and faithful with each other. But each so hard to start over, every now and then i see pictures of my wife and the other man, and it makes me feel so weak. I love the kids..so much, its the wife that i feel hatred sometimes. But now things starting to get better, im starting to get over it, i've forgiven my wife and accepted what happened in the past.Its my wife thats having issues now...she just breaks down sometimes when she see's the other girls relatives in our area, when she thinks about the other women from time to time, when she thinks about the places i've spent time with those women. She said shes having a hard time trying to be strong for our future but she's trying. I just want to know if theres anyone out there on the same situation, i need some advises.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

The both of you would benefit from seeing individual counselors. After each of you gets some therapy time under your belts, pick a couples counselor that specializes in infidelity.

You say its hard to start over, I'm struggling to figure out what you had in the first place. You describe having multi-year serious relationships with at least 3 women other than your wife in the past 9 years, and "countless" other affairs. Do you even know who your wife is as a person? I have a hard time believing you had a chance to get to know who she is/was while you were out screwing around. 

You can continue loving the kids without being married to this woman. Why do you want to stay with her? Why does she want to stay with you? Were you ever faithful to her? She managed four years, had an affair, and after giving birth, I'm assuming managed another four years of being faithful to you. Can you honestly not understand why she would be having a hard time with accepting you? Can you even manage a monogamous relationship? You both have serious work to do, and you will both need help in getting it done. Best of luck to you, and I really hope you at the very least stay faithful to her for the next few months while you two figure out if there is anything worth salvaging between you two.


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## *needaunderstand* (Jun 11, 2012)

i feel sorry for her. she must have been so lonely to finally cheat on you, while you were out living your life while shes taking care of your kids. you would probly keep cheating if you didnt get the shock of her cheating. MC is somthing you really need. i feel worse for the childern. they are going to have a hard time when they grow up and relize what happened. if you both still have love for each other and want to make it work, then its worth trying. but if you are not going to be able to get over and move on, then its probly not worth it. hope you family survives! thanks for you service.


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## 2ndchanc81370 (Jun 13, 2012)

I agree with *needaunderstand* and Paladin. I feel for your wife, being a military wife is very very difficult and lonely. Women are vulnerable especially when the one person they love are far (not only physically but emotionally too). However, I also understand you. If you want to save your marriage, you have to go to counselling and be honest enough to really make your marriage work minus the cheating.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You can stay miserable for the rest of your life trying to fix a marriage that never existed in the first place. She knew that the kids weren't yours. And most likely, this wasn't the only affair she had. What do you have to start over?


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

*needaunderstand* said:


> i feel sorry for her. she must have been so lonely to finally cheat on you, while you were out living your life while shes taking care of your kids. you would probly keep cheating if you didnt get the shock of her cheating. MC is somthing you really need. i feel worse for the childern. they are going to have a hard time when they grow up and relize what happened. if you both still have love for each other and want to make it work, then its worth trying. but if you are not going to be able to get over and move on, then its probly not worth it. hope you family survives! thanks for you service.


I am sorry but I do not feel sorry for either one since cheating is a choice. I do not condone cheating from either one because just as she was lonely without him, he was lonely without her. Does that excuse his cheating? Numbers don't matter, whether he cheated once or a dozen times besides it could have been her that cheated a dozen times, heck he REALLY doesn't know if that was her only affair.

Would she have told him about her cheating had the dna test come back as being his kids? NO WAY!! Nor would he have told her about his cheating had that happened either BUT he did at least have some sort of decency in telling her about his affairs when her's came to light. Not saying it was right but he could have berated her while keeping his secret and she would probably have never known.

One thing is for certain, if this marriage is going to survive they will need a GOOD MC


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Marriages where there are children from POSOM is difficult to R a the children are constant trigger for BS for ever.

Are you sure that there was only one OM and A lasted for only 8 months?

Was she not aware that the child belong to OM? That means she was giving you sloppy seconds. How can she be lonely when you were around her to give you some sloppy seconds?

Ask her for a polygraph.

But your cheating is not justifiable in any way.


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

I think the karma truck is hitting both of your arses. The only ones I feel sorry for is the kids. All of this could have been avoided. Both of you made your choice to have affairs and now you will both pay the price... together.. You can never justify having an affair. Ever.


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## trinolvon (Jun 13, 2012)

Thank you for all the replies.well, its been almost two months now since the incident. We're trying so hard to save this marriage. We are more open to each other now, every aspect of our marriage is 10 times better now. I have been faithful now for a while and have committed myself to this marriage again, she is doing the same thing. My love for the twins never changed, i still love them with all of my life. We have agreed to keep this secret to our self until we die. We did a little counseling with our chaplain, that helps a lot. My wifes been faithful since she gived birth, Hopefully she's telling me the truth. For my part, i have assured her that im committed to make this marriage work, and be faithful to her forever. However, the wound is still fresh, so i cant help myself to think about her affair from time to time, when that happens, i'll just say a prayer in my head, it helps me to be strong. We are helping each other get through this. i wish when i wake up tomorrow its 2023 already, so it'll be just another bad memory from the past.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> She said she did it because she could'nt feel my love anymore,


And we know why that was, don't we?

I really hope you can both work through this situation for the good of everyone concerned, but especially the children.

You'll need to get STD/HIV tests done, however. Babies aren't the only things people can get from unprotected sex.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Your wife is still lying to you.

There is no way in hell she didn`t consider the possibility the twins weren`t yours.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

OldWolf57 said:


> Tell her you see the other man every day, in double. tell her, you even have to spend your hard earned money on them. So she should try walking in your shoes, because you can't even hide in your own house from her cheating. Every meal is a reminder. She has no room to be having a hard time. She should be trying to work on you and her, not her selfserving feelings of being a BS, with her deceit staring at you with 4 eyes. How do you know he was the only one?? Oh right, she told you. Well if they was only having sex when she was knocked up,how did she get that way. BC they was scr**ing while you was home. Giving you slo**y seconds. Now she is having a hard time seeing the other girls relatives, or the places. Normally I would tear you a new one, but karma beat me to it.


Hate much? She is being castigated while he gets a pass for creating the situation? He got what he gave. What's wrong with that? More couples will experience this with the rate of male and female cheating reaching parity 

He cheated and abandoned his wife and the children he loves so much. While she was home minding his home he was giving his time and attention to countless other women. 

Is she worse than he is? He seems to think so along with many posters. I am certain he would still be cheating if he had not realized that his wife was giving him as much as she was getting. 

He did not stop cheating because he was racked with guilt but because he got a taste of the bitter fruit of his deception. He may hate her but he should hate himself for devastating his family. 

The fact that there were children is the price they both pay. They are both responsible for raising the children. He for abandoning his wife and she for not divorcing a very inadequate man. 

This is the harbinger of the future, men lead woman follow. If you don't like it don't promote it. If men are hard wired to seek variety then what are the women? Soft wired to get bored with one partner year after year?


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

I'm rooting for your marriage. Husbands and wives do stupid things. You don't live in the past and you would not want to live there. Wake up every morning and take five seconds to thank God for your wife and the kids. Ask your wife to wake up and spend five seconds doing the same. Be there for each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wildangel2302 (Jun 14, 2012)

You have both done so many selfish things. I can only hope that you will both take time and think about your actions, and know that one day those little girls will find out about them.

Trust me...they will hear about it and it will come back & haunt you. That will be punishment enough.....
The way I see it, is that your only connection to eachother now is the girls. So do whatever it takes to raise them happy and loved. But don't put them through anymore of your careless acts.

If you both do not learn to forgive and forget... you need to do what is best for the girls and not your pride. 

I do hope good things for all of you and that forgiveness will set you free.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> Now she having a hard time. Yeah more like missing some strange, an looking for a reason to separate for a week or two to get it. Better yet, feels you out did her, and wants the books even.


While he was doing his three girlfriends he was probably ignoring her which contributed to her believing she "could'nt feel my love anymore". Like I tell my friends, "when you're banging another chick, you're not going to be able to pay adequate attention to the woman closest to you". As much a men fail to admit it, a man can't stock two shelves. Women are much better at it than men are. Additionally, he could as just as well knocked up one of the girlfriends. There's a close relationship between f---ing and getting pregnant. As we say in accounting, "looks like the books are balanced" It sounds a little like you're loading her with more weight than you expect him to carry.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Sounds like you had more affairs than her? So, I don't understand your having a beef with your wife cheating.


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## trinolvon (Jun 13, 2012)

Thank you to all thats rooting for our marriage we are trying our best. We're still young, we have a lifetime to make up for all of our mistakes, and recover from all of this. This was a wake up call to me, i am a changed man now. We both dearly loved the kids, hopefully they wont suffer from all of this.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

Try to view it like a buddy of mines situation. He had two kids when he decided a female bartender was sexier than his wife, moved to a nearby city and filed for legal separation. After more than a year, close to two years actually he wanted to come back home. His wife was pregnant with another mans baby. They are back together and say they view it as if they were married, got divorced and remarried with him raising a step child he thinks of as his own. (oh, the other guy hit the trail when she got pregnant)


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Fvstringpicker said:


> Additionally, he could as just as well knocked up one of the girlfriends. There's a close relationship between f---ing and getting pregnant.


Indeed. It may yet turn out that one, or more, of his AP may come back later claiming he fathered her child(ren) though I truly hope not, not for their sake - they're both adults who are responsible for their bad choices - but for the innocent children's sake. My sympathy is with the kids not their dumba$$ parents.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

OldWolf57 said:


> Cat02, I never said he got a pass, The karma train is running over his a** big time. BUT MEN DON"T GET PREGNANT !!! So save the melo d. He loves the kids and I want him to raise them. Its not their fault. What I am seeing from his words, is she is now so having a hard time with his a's. well until she realize that he will have to eat and sleep with her sh** until they leave home, she is just voiding her f**kup. She didn't have the guts to leave him, so she would rather have him raise her ap children. NOW tell me the Bus hasn't run over him. And now he is having a hard time thinking about her A and hating her a lil. yeah I can kind of see that. He is getting his just desserts. I do hope they can make it. It will be hard. She going into selfpity mode, and him looking at the ulti show of disrespect everyday will test the core of their commitment.


Men may not get pregnant but their affair partners can. What are you saying? A women who cheats and gets pregnant by her affair partner is worse than a man who fathers a child due to an affair?

He is hating her? Some nerve. She should hate him for years of neglect of his family of lack of control and selfishness. Sounds like she is beating herself up and he is busy hating like he has a right to cheat. 

He should be beating himself up for years of neglecting his family instead of wasting energy on hate. His got what he gave, that's the way it goes.

I'll bet if he thought he would suffer the same fate, he would have been minding the home fires and not looking the other way. There would be less infidelity if cheaters realized this. 

They are both equally guilty of deception, no if, buts or ands about it.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Instead of indulging in fruitless, pis$$ing contest like comments, why don't we offer the OP some support in helping the OP become a true, faithful, loving husband who puts his wife's well being first?


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## trinolvon (Jun 13, 2012)

i am positively sure i have not fathered any child outside of my marriage. Things now are starting to mellow down, i've accepted what has happened already. It comes into my mind every now and then but, i just shrugged it off, my wife's is still having a hard time dealing with my past affairs. But im helping here get through it, i've been honest to her for the past few weeks now..and im planning to stay that way. i have found a new commitment to make this marriage work. The funny thing is...what help saves this marriage are the kids from the affair, They're my wake up call, i love them to death, i was there the moment they were born. If i found out earlier that they we'rent mine, then i would probably leave my wife. but its too late now...4 years later...i just cant destroy their life. I wanted to leave my wife and start over again with somebody else...but the love i have for the kids made me stay,and hopefully it'll work out for the best. Wife's still having a hard time every now and then, but we talked about it.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Be careful. Child centered marriages have been more prone to end in divorce. Your choice to stay in the marriage should center first and foremost on your love for your wife and the desire to finally become the man that she needs.


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## trinolvon (Jun 13, 2012)

i love my wife, i love her more every single day than the day before. I am her world,no doubt. We both are working and doing our best to make this work. we are trying new things...we are more open now...our sex life is 10 times better, hopefully we both could regain the trust issues in our relationship.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

trinolvon said:


> i love my wife, i love her more every single day than the day before. I am her world,no doubt. We both are working and doing our best to make this work. we are trying new things...we are more open now...our sex life is 10 times better, hopefully we both could regain the trust issues in our relationship.


I am so glad you and your wife are changed people. 

It is hard to believe you can make such an about turn. How did you do it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

my comment was made in a somewhat insulted mood T. I do wish you and your wife the best going forward. And TY Mori for calling me out on that. Happy Fathers Day all DADs.


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## trinolvon (Jun 13, 2012)

i've been wanting to change my lifestyle for a while now...i guess this is my wake up call. If i focus on something i know i could do it.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

morituri said:


> Instead of indulging in fruitless, pis$$ing contest like comments, why don't we offer the OP some support in helping the OP become a true, faithful, loving husband who puts his wife's well being first?


I have never participated in a pi**ing contest, I don't have the plumbing. I sometimes wonder what it would feel like to have it. But I digress.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

@OldWolf
The affair is not eating your food, human beings, more importantly children, are eating the food. They did not choose to be fathered by an affair partner. The way you are talking, makes me think that any children not fathered by the couple that is raising them are some how less than human. What about adoptions? Step children? The OP said on multiple occasions "I *love* the kids," its obvious from that statement that he makes a choice to see the kids as his own, regardless of the circumstances. You are the one who said we shouldn't be adding our own bits to this to support our views, maybe take some of your own advice? I have not seen the OP ever mention that he sees the kids as a reminder of the affair. Anyway, just thought I'd throw that out there, as the tone of some of these replies is getting a bit edgy.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

trinolvon said:


> i've been wanting to change my lifestyle for a while now...i guess this is my wake up call. If i focus on something i know i could do it.


I've changed a lot as I have matured. It is exhilarating to reach a hard won goal. Being rewarded for the changes makes it easier to keep going forward. Best of luck to you and your family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trinolvon (Jun 13, 2012)

Thank You Cath for the support. Yes, im still young 32 years old, hopefully i can keep it up for the next 10, 20 or 40 years.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

OldWolf57 said:


> And TY Mori for calling me out on that. Happy Fathers Day all DADs.


Not just you but ALL of us can get pretty carried away in who did worse to whom which is something that will not help anybody.

Thank you for the father's day wish. I'm having a blast. 



Catherine602 said:


> I have never participated in a pi**ing contest, I don't have the plumbing. I sometimes wonder what it would feel like to have it. But I digress.


It can be pretty practical when there are no restrooms available


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

morituri said:


> . It can be pretty practical when there are no restrooms available


Braggart. You touched upon a very sensitive nerve Mori - my penis envy problem.  But I forgive you as you could not have known.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Braggart. You touched upon a very sensitive nerve Mori - my penis envy problem.  But I forgive you as you could not have known.


Cathi if I had your plumbing for one day, I would lock my bedroom door and just enjoy playing with myself all day long  But it could also turn out to be a period day, and then I'd be one frustrated primate :lol:


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I wish I could be a man for a day to see how it feels. I would probably get arrested for indecent exposure because I would show off my beautiful plumbing to anyone who would look. 

"Look what I have!! Its lovely. I can pee standing up and it grows. Its miraculous isn't it??" 

***Sorry OP couldn't resist***


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

trinolvon, I commend the two of you for making a sincere effort to build a true marriage based on love, trust and respect. I wish you and your wife nothing but continued success and health and happiness for your little girls. 

Cathi, maybe far into the future, men and women will be able to switch into each others bodies to experience what it is like to be a woman or a man. Or like in the movie 'Brainstorm' a machine could be created to record and playback the experiences of other people and thereby learn what it is like to be that other person. My fetish is the *NDE* (near death experience) where I would see my body from above and then traveling through the tunnel until I come to stand in front of The Light.


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## trinolvon (Jun 13, 2012)

Thank You Morituri, We are trying. The going gets tough sometimes but we have each other. Thats all we're counting on.


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