# Messy Habits Inconsiderate



## bagman

My wife is messy. Our home is constantly in a messy state. I've been trying to "let it go" and accept it, but it's not working. I'm never comfortable in a mess, whether it's in my home or elsewhere. So I'm NEVER comfortable in my own home. I want to get out of my house as much as possible. I work 6 nights a week, and on my night off, I can't relax around the house because it's a mess. I could spend that night cleaning up, but I wouldn't have time to finish the job. And even if I did, my wife would undo my work within a day or so. 

My wife is a good woman in many, many ways. I know she doesn't mean to be inconsiderate. But when you leave a mess that your spouse dislikes, you fail to consider his/her feelings. Hence, you are inconsiderate by definition. I'm NOT saying that she doesn't work hard enough as a mom and homemaker. I'm saying that she has HABITS that are inadvertently inconsiderate. 

Leaving your shoes and dropping your dirty clothes in the middle of a room takes a few seconds. It would also take just a few seconds to put those shoes in the closet and drop those clothes in the laundry bin. Putting your makeup, hairspray, toothpaste, and toothbrush in a drawer takes only a few seconds more than simply leaving those things on the bathroom sink for days on end. I'm NOT saying that my wife needs to get on the floor and scrub the grout with an old toothbrush. I just wish she'd put stuff away instead of leaving it out.

Not only am I unable to be comfortable in my own home, I'm totally embarrassed to let a guest in. I'm ashamed and repulsed by my own living space. How can I live this way? Before you say, "let it go," please consider this: Let's say you dislike broccoli. Can you just "LET IT GO" and eat broccoli every meal, or would you be miserable and repulsed? Well, I dislike a messy home just as much as you dislike broccoli. Just like you don't know how to enjoy and accept broccoli, I don't know how to enjoy and accept a messy home.

HELP!


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## dantanph

My MIL is very much like your W. I am never comfortable in her house. It is just a mess. Be careful where you walk in her house as there are not too many areas to walk on. It is all cluttered!


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## Advocado

I know that there are often things I want my hubby to do which get left undone and vice versa. I guess we just have different priorities and sometimes we just get complacent and neglect to do the little things which would make a big difference to our partners. Is your wife the type to tidy up if she knows someone is coming over or is she just oblivious to the mess. Some people aren’t great at establishing and sticking to routines, or is it that she doesn't feel she has time to keep things tidy or doesn't know where/how to start. 

You are right to say it doesn't take a minute to put stuff in the laundry basket etc but we all have different ways of working and if she agrees in principle that things need to change, maybe her style might be to have a tidying blitz once a day, or whenever. This might not be your way of doing things but you would still see results. It sounds as if she is not an unreasonable person so, as a start point, ask her how the two of you can work together at keeping a particular room/area reasonably tidy. 

Perhaps your wife really doesn’t comprehend just how much this is getting your down, that you are starting to dread coming home and/or answering the doorbell etc. Even if you have done so already, sit her down and very gently but clearly explain exactly how it makes you feel and why. Chances are there are things that she asks of you that you do not take seriously and do not attend to and so you can explore this with her and address that too. I'm not suggesting you only do things she wants you to do if she agrees to keep the house tidy but to do them anyway as a model – it might just make for a spontaneous difference in her. Also human nature makes us focus on negatives and in general we all need to try and make a point of noticing and commenting on the things our spouses do well, so if you feel she’s a brilliant cook, lover, mother, good at budgeting or whatever do tell her specifically, and often, what is it you appreciate so she won’t feel taken for granted. 

On a side note, when I have a long list of things to do around the house it can feel overwhelming and I have a tendency to procrastinate (like now I sitting here on the computer when I should be de-cluttering (lol). However I find that if I put one of my favourite music CD's on, it becomes easier to get started, it’s less of a chore and I achieve much more. Time for some Lauren Hill - I'm off!


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## SimplyAmorous

My Father In Law could have wrote your post and I can tell you firsthard the situation pretty much sucked the life out of their marraige. He was trying to be considerate of her clutter and not hurt her too bad, so he would just leave every chance he got, he was also too embarrassed to have relatives stay when they were in from out of town. 

The few times she was out of th house on a trip, he would start a fire, what he really needed was a dumpter, it was THAT bad, and she would cause Hell when she returned, and pretty much quit going away. She literally put the STUFF above her husband. I truly felt bad for him. 

Did you not know she was a hoarder when you were dating ? Usually this is a family trait. I was thankful my husband took after this dad, cause I could NOT have lived with this. 

You are the MAN, put your feet down and tell her you can no longer live like this. That it IS destorying your marraige and you have lost respect for her, that you can not even relax in your own home, or enjoy your space. She needs to know HOW BADLY you feel and allow her the opportunity to change this. I would say if she chooses not too, she is giving up an AWFUL LOT >>> her husband's happiness , respect and comfort. Shame on her. 

My MIL lived for her children cause the FIL was always out running around cause he hated coming home to a disaterous house. Just a shame, the only thing they EVER faught about was THE MESS. It just didn't have to be this way. He is gone now, and guess what, the Mess grew to mountainess proportions. I really think some might have a sickness.


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## Mo Simpson

I'm assuming you've told her clearly how you feel about the state of your home? If you haven't then you should.

Make her understand that this state is driving you out of the home on your one night off and when you break it down, it's threatening your marriage.

And how is your wife emotionally/mentally? Sometimes if people aren't feeling 100% emotionally and mentally then that can show itself in other areas, such as mess and untidiness. Is she feeling fulfilled and happy?

Also, have you considered getting help in to keep the house tidy?


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## okeydokie

I am married to a hoarder, I have put my foot down, it is only the beginning of a long and painful process. I have already moved out once strictly because of the hoarding. She is working on it very slowly but i can see some minor progress.

Please understand that true hoarding is a deeply phsychological illness, you cannot fight it away, yelling doesnt help, and by all means if you mess with their "precious junk" hell will come in a big way. I have found the best approach is to be firm but understanding. I learned this by watching organizational type shows on TV, the people they bring in to help take this approach. Every now and then when my wife is gone i get rid of a few things that i know will not be missed, that helps me cope a little better.

its frustrating living with a hoarder, be patient, understanding and firm.


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## FindingSummer

Ok, I am on the opposite side of this issue. Your post is one that my husband would write, so it is good for me to see your point of view.

Here is mine...

My husband and I have been married 4 years. I did not tell him of my bad habits before we were married, because I was convinced that once I got married and had my own place, then things would be different. I thought that the reason I couldn't keep things in order while living at home was because of the environment. I felt that a new home and a new life would give me a fresh slate...it didn't work out that way. I ended up feeling disappointed in myself and regretting my dishonesty. My husband, also disappointed, has lost respect for me, and I fear does not love me. I do not view myself as lazy...just disorganized and overwhelmed. I am not saying that I dont know how to wash dishes or do laundry or anything like that...merely that I don't know how to organize my time or the things in our home. I too forget to put things back where they belong and leave my clothes on the floor...but it is not intentional. In actuality, I don't even realize that I am leaving things lying around until it is out of hand. I guess it is a matter of getting distracted with something else. I am not sure about your wife, but if she is like me...she truly wants to make you happy, and wants to be a model wife, but doesn't know how to get things under control. It is almost impossible to relay what it is like to be a person with this problem, but if you don't deal with it properly it can lead to some SERIOUS emotional damage to your wife...she may even start to have suicidal thoughts because she will feel like a failure...inadequate. PLEASE remember to build her up...praise her for her good qualities, don't rail on her for her bad habits. Give her the benefit of the doubt. I found a website that has been helping me establish a routine and get some help...it is www.Flylady.net...it's free, try to recommend it to your wife if she is open to suggestions.
I hope this helps...


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## RachelLaura

I have the same issues with my husband. I have tried so many times to calmly explain that we share this house, and I just can't live in a mess. I expend all of my energies cleaning our house from top to bottom, most of which is his mess that he does not pick up. I am exhausted and since I believe he has never cleaned before, he doesnt understand just how exhausting it is to pick up after him.

My issues are two fold: the cleanliness and his reaction to it all.

The cleanliness just pisses me off. I find crumpled up trash- napkins, receipts, etc- all over the house, dirty underwear all over our bedroom, dirty socks in the living room, dirty dishes on the office desk. He showers in the downstairs bathroom, which I dont use, and it has gotten built up with grime and mold and rust. He leaves chunks of old little pieces of soap laying in the shower that have been there so long and stick so badly I cant wash them off. He coughs and spits his mucus in the sink and it gets stuck there and he doesnt rinse it down.

I TRY. I try to pick up after him so that I am not living in this disgusting mess. But I work full time too. I am also trying to start my own business on the side, so my nights are often busy. It is just so exhausting and it is so frustrating that he cant see how disgusting it is to live this way. He doesnt lift a finger to help do anything to clean when we have people over. I have begged a few times for his help, and he will do a couple things like take of the trash and wash some dishes for me, and then sit back down and play video games, while I am bending my back to make sure the house is clean.

I know our priorities are different, but I just cant understand. It goes deeper because I just cant respect someone who cant pick up after themselves! Its a way of life. I knew he was like this before marriage, but I didnt realize just how big of a deal it would be until I lived in it every day.

His reactions also really piss me off. In the beginning, I would clean his stuff, and he would get really angry that I was touching his belongings. I thought I was being helpful and he would appreciate me for cleaning for him. I soon learned that he didnt appeciate what I was doing and saw how angry it made him when I touched anything of his. I also did make some mistakes which I realize were my fault- I threw away some crumpled up papers thinking it was trash- when in fact it was a receipt he was trying to save.

I have kind of worked out a system when I clean so that I clean around his things and put them back where they were. I am more aware of respecting his belongings and trying not to move anything. It is really hard though- when I want to wipe down a dusty counter- I HAVE to move things a little bit in order to clean it off. He still doesnt understand this fact and expects his things to be exactly in place. I asked him if he could keep the important papers in just one room, and not all over the house- so that there would be less confusion and that I could clean the grime underneath. I told him he could make as much of a mess as he wanted in that room where he kept his papers. Of course that never happened, and papers are still everywhere, all over the house.

There have been a couple of incidents recently where he misplaced his wallet and his phone. Of course, being so messy, it is easy to not keep track of your things. Well, while he was searching for his belongings and having no luck, he lashed out at me- "THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS WHEN YOU CLEAN. YOU MOVE MY SH*T. STOP MOVING MY SH*T. UNBELIEVABLE." And what do you know- in the end, he found his wallet in his car and he had left his phone at work. Absolutely nothing to do with me moving anything, yet I got blamed. He kind of half-heartedly apologized, but it makes me so angry that I get yelled at for CLEANING!!!!!!!! And trying to keep our house in line!!!!!! I dont move his stuff anymore at all- I learned so as to avoid the fights- yet I STILL get blamed.

I cant win. I dont expect him to be on his hands and knees scrubbing and cleaning with me. I just want to live with a mature adult who can pick up after themselves and maybe just a little bit appreciate what I do around the house.


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## marcy*

okeydokie said:


> I am married to a hoarder, I have put my foot down, it is only the beginning of a long and painful process. I have already moved out once strictly because of the hoarding. She is working on it very slowly but i can see some minor progress.
> 
> Please understand that true hoarding is a deeply phsychological illness, you cannot fight it away, yelling doesnt help, and by all means if you mess with their "precious junk" hell will come in a big way. I have found the best approach is to be firm but understanding. I learned this by watching organizational type shows on TV, the people they bring in to help take this approach. Every now and then when my wife is gone i get rid of a few things that i know will not be missed, that helps me cope a little better.
> 
> its frustrating living with a hoarder, be patient, understanding and firm.


Does you house look like this in the picture, because I thought that there is not a house in the world that would look like that. I thought that these messy houses are only just for Tv show, not real.


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## lovelieswithin

I always joke with my husband that if I were a stay at home wife Id look like barbie, the house would be spotless and dinner on the table. If she has the luxury of staying home then she should at least keep it clean!! maybe some people feel differently and I realize that the kids mess up the house but com on! what does she do all day?!?! LOL 
Maybe hire a professional organizer to come in and help organize the house so that cleaning is easier for everyone in the long run. Another option is a maid - theyre very inexpensive and will come once a week to get the house spotless again. 
I doubt she will change if she already knows what it means to you but try making it a family effort to keep the house neat. Kids need chores and structure so assign them each tasks that Mom doesnt like to do. Ask wifey what she enjoys doing and then you pick up the last tasks... just a suggestion. 
=) good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom6547

Well I am a crappy housekeeper. My husband would like it neater by a LOT. The thing is, I am a stay-at-home Mom. I do home school so housework is not my first concern. And home schooling takes up a lot of time. I try to do Flylady (FlyLady.net: Your personal online coach to help you gain control of your house and home). I fall off the wagon often, but get right back on.

One of flyladies motos is stop yer whining. If YOU want it clean then YOU clean it up! This won't work if she is stay-at-home and you work outside of the house. But it gives you a place to start or an idea. Instead of treating it like a Big Bad thing that makes her a bad person for not being tidier, address it as a thing you can do and fix together. Hey let's do this flylady thing together! You can kind of scaffold new habits for both of you. Housekeeping really IS a life long habit. If bad habits were formed, new good habits have to be developed.

Maybe that would work? I don't see any reason that by default her desire to be messy should trump your desire to be tidy.


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## Blue Eyes

There are several self help books available. Just google How Not to Be a Messie (for the messy person) or When you Live with a messie for you. You both need to take specific daily steps in order to recover from this & improve your marriage. 

It worked for us.


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## farmboy

I can relate. My wife, in our 11yrs of marriage, has steadily done less and less. She is a great mother to our children. I do believe that she truly loves me. When I first struggled with this problem, I tried to put a little more effort to make up for her weaknesses. She immediately felt ok to do less. I confronted her and she started in about being overwhelmed and that it is too much to achieve. I new it was something I could not keep up with as I have a very exhausting job that takes much of my physical and mental ability. I also have two part time jobs that are for fun. My wife had quit her job when we got married. She had agreed to find another and she did but never a job that really helped with income. Her jobs are more for her interest, she spends a great amount of time on details, but gets little in return from them. I convinced her to start subbing for schools, something I did ten years ago when she could not find a job, we needed the income.Well,today she is subbing but not very aggressively. She still has trouble making enough from her total jobs to even match what I did subbing years ago as a second job.

I could not fight the confrontations over again and decided that I was the only one that could make things better for myself. I did what I could but over the years I live in smaller and smaller spaces in the house. I have had to change shifts a couple of times making it necessary to sleep in another bed. For the past three years I have been back to a day shift where we could sleep together and I try to return to our bed but the clutter and the emotional problems about me getting enough rest has been hard for both of us, so I maintain a bed in the basement. I am by far not a neat freak. I could use better emphasis on cleaning up after myself as well. My job is running me like a track meet every day. I have some health issues with inflammation and I am doing what I can do to get better.

The mess that my wife is used to maintaining is more than uncomfortable for me. We love each other every much so I try to be content by the good things she has brought to my life. Even so, I find myself trying to manage my thoughts here and it has messed me up for a while. The things I read here remind me that most married couples seem to deal with much less troubles. I wish I could easily find relieve and contentment.


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## major misfit

If it's a hoarding situation (if you're having to move clutter to sleep in the same bed, it sounds like hoarding)...it's a mental disorder. The hoarder needs professional counseling, and help from an organizer. I sometimes wonder about the success rate, though. Seems to be they have to lose something HUGE for permanent change to take place. Sometimes not even then.


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## loren

Is she actually a hoarder or just messy? I think it's a leap to say she has a mental disorder. She sounds lazy, and maybe she is used to living on her own. I would suggest blocking out one day a week for both of you to really blitz and give the house a sparkling clean, but you'd need to stick to it. If the house really is a tip, I would draw up a weekly rota. Never underestimate the power of a rota. Divide the house into sections (kitchen, bathroom, living room, corridoors and bedroom) split the work 50/50 and alternate who does what every other day. If she is lazy her workload will be dispersed and she won't feel so put upon. If it's her "bedroom" day she picks up the clothes she dropped. If it's your "bedroom" day, you pick them up. Sometimes simple things can be the best solution.


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## Chris Taylor

My wife was somewhat like this. it even got to a point where I broke a toe on one of her shoes she just left lying around.

So I joined her. Boots taken off and left in the middle of the floor. Clothes all over the place. Glasses and plates left next to the bed. I made sure that it was as inconvenient as possible for her. She had to step over the clothes and move the glasses so she could see the TV.

Finally she asked why I can't clean up after myself and for every boot I left on the floor, I pointed to her shoes. For every article of clothing I left on the floor I pointed to hers.

She go the message.


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## Figuring it out

Chris Taylor said:


> My wife was somewhat like this. it even got to a point where I broke a toe on one of her shoes she just left lying around.
> 
> So I joined her. Boots taken off and left in the middle of the floor. Clothes all over the place. Glasses and plates left next to the bed. I made sure that it was as inconvenient as possible for her. She had to step over the clothes and move the glasses so she could see the TV.
> 
> Finally she asked why I can't clean up after myself and for every boot I left on the floor, I pointed to her shoes. For every article of clothing I left on the floor I pointed to hers.
> 
> She go the message.


What a funny post. I can totally see my husband doing that to me, if we had this issue. In this case, I believe the wife involved may have a hard time letting go of things. I don't know how someone gets to that point, but I think she probably should talk to someone for some help.


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## justlost

I have the same complaints about my wife. However, I'm sure she recently has the same for me. Makes me wonder if it's a two sided sword. For me, I'm the homemaker. I spend day in and day out keeping the house clean. However, when she comes home, she drops her clothes and shoes wherever. When she eats a snack in the middle of the night, the dish sits in the sink. If she's watching TV while I'm doing laundry and I set a load next to her and start folding it, she absolutely refuses to help fold it. 

So, I quit doing it all. Perhaps it is my job to do, and I feel like it is since she's out there working while I'm at home. However, do I really have to put up with the disrespect of her making my job HARDER?


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## Runs like Dog

Yeah I stopped fighting the hoarders and slobs. If I pick up after them they yet at me that I'm micromanaging them. Just embrace it. Eventually the house will collapse or someone will go missing in the rubble. 

Hoarders and clutter freaks are very angry control freaks in a weird way. That's how they assert their control; by strewing anarchy


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## Kobo

Our biggest fights have been about the "order" of the house. I think everything has a place. Spoons here, plates there, glasses over there, etc. My worst feelign is coming home to a sink full of dishes. I have to wash them. I just have to. I cook often and I can't cook in a messy kitchen. When my wife was a SAHM she didn't do a good enoug job of keeping the hous in order (my opinion). It would frustrate me beyond belief. She just dislikes housework and combined with her scatter brain caused issues. She would start to clean something and then not finish it because there was reading time at Borders. I'm all for that but I came from a house where housework/yardwork gets done and then you do your thing. What worked for us is that I requested she go back to work. This way I could do my part of the housework/yardwork at the level I was without feeling any kind of way about it. Also, I found yelling about it doesn't help. Better response came from communication. My wife also didn't like when I cleaned "angry"

KB


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## Runs like Dog

So I vacuum the house every week what with the dogs. Spend about 2 hrs on it. And the wifey complains I screwed it up and demands I redo it while she watches. That's always.....charming?


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## Runs like Dog

See the thing is, I don't care if everyone's a slob. Really. But don't look at the one coffee cup you didn't leave on the table among the other 8 and scream how that's emblematic of how I wrecked your life and we'll have to call the CDC for decontamination.


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## Boogsie

Looking at this as unbiased as I can, the degree of messiness / neatness you live with is a personal preference. Just because you like things neater doesn't make you right. Just because she doesn't like to be as neat doesn't make her right either. It is preference. You may think one way is right and one way is wrong, but it isn't.

This isn't to say you have to accept this, it is your life. You do not have to live any way you don't like, but you have to understand that it may cost you your marriage.

You have to decide how important a neat house is to you. You have to be willing to say, "Honey, I won't live like this. If I can't live in a neat house, we can no longer be together."

Basically, you need to decide whether or not a messy house is a deal breaker for you. If it isn't, then get used to it. It is the way your wife is and probably the way she always has been.

If it is a deal breaker, then you better be ready to end the marriage when things don't go they way you want them to.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

My husband does not meet the definition of a hoarder, but does like to collect things.

He will actually crawl into dumpsters to pick up old wheelchairs (behind hospitals) because he can 'use the steel' for 'something' in the future - most of the time that future never arrives and he won't get rid of it.

So I handled it this way.

He has a LARGE mancave (750 sq ft) and a garage, and storage unit out back (plus the back yard if he needs it). He can keep all his 'toys' anywhere in that space - I don't touch it, clean it, organize it, etc. BUT - none of it makes it into the main house and I keep that neat and clean.

This works - you can definitely tell 'his' part of the house versus the rest of the house - you should see him scramble to 'straighten up' his mancave if anyone comes over - his problem.


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## Halien

Two words - "Frequent relocations"

I've moved with my job four times. If you add the couple of apartments when we were newlyweds, you'll see why we just throw anything away that hasn't been used in a while. Goodwill loves us. 

Actually, as the husband, I'm equally a neatfreak as my wife. When my nearly grown children have friends over, invariably, most will ask, "Is it always like this?". Our challenge, since one of our children likes clutter, was to segregate a comfy family room where we allowed pop cans or other clutter as long as they don't get out of control.


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## DesertFlower

Ok, so I get on my computer today and find this page the most recent on my browser history. My husband was the last one to use the computer. I thought he was the original poster, until I saw this was from 2010. So, he isn't the original poster, but he could have written the original post. He's echoed many of the same things in the past, although usually in a much more rude and angry tone. He was obviously looking for advice on how to deal with his own messy, inconsiderate wife. So I thought I would register and post a reply.

I'd just like to say here that each situation is unique, and the original poster's situation was probably much different than my own. I'd just like to offer a different situation that others may draw from (and VENT a little too).

You see, my husband is quite "old fashioned" in his thinking that the wife should be the one to take care of the home and do the parenting. Honestly, I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I love being a mother and honestly wish I could do a better job at creating a beautiful and peaceful home environment for us all. Unfortunately, for all of his "old fashioned" ideas about the home and kids, he is surprisingly progressive when it comes to the ideas of who should be the breadwinner of the household. I, too, work a full time job, most of the time I put in more hours than he does. I've presented to him many times that perhaps I could do a better job of keeping the house clean if I quit my job and devoted myself to being a wife, mother, and homemaker. Our house is nowhere near hoarder status, it's more like sink overflowing with dishes, things need to be dusted, and kids toys are on living room floor. I've even given him a written presentation of all the places in our budget where we would cut from that would allow me to stay home. He would hear none of it, as he doesn't want to downgrade internet speeds, premium cable channels, subscriptions, or give up his $600/month truck payment. It actually would be quite a lifestyle change for us, with about a 70% reduction in pay.

My husband works 5 nights per week, Sun-Thurs, in a town 2 hours away from where we live. His employer pays for his hotel room there so he doesn't have to make that commute every day. He works from about 10 pm until about 3 to 4am, depending on how much work there is to be done. He averages about 30 hours per week, but does occasionally get up to 40. After his shift, he goes to a hotel room and goes to sleep. He gets up at about 10am and leaves so that the MAID can come clean his room. He goes out to lunch at a restaurant. He is a big movie buff and takes himself to the movie theater to see a movie quite often. Nobody or nothing else to worry about but himself. He then goes back to the hotel and plays computer games or back to sleep until it's time to go to work again.

Meanwhile back at home, I'm getting kids up and ready for school, taking them to their schools, doctors appts, dentist, eye doctor, speech therapy, extracurricular and social activities, checking backpacks and helping with homework, talking to teachers, preparing meals, doing laundry, giving baths, taking care of the pets and cleaning the house. We have a toddler who is not in school yet, who is with me all day. I do the grocery shopping and run all the household errands. The finances are also my responsibility; my husband never knows how much money we have or which bills are paid or not paid, never wants to hear about it, basically, "Here's my paycheck, you take care of the rest." 

My husband returns home on Friday and I get ready for my "workweek" which consists basically of 4 hours Friday night, 16 hours both Saturday and Sunday (12-14 hours out of home followed by 2-4 hours of paperwork/computerwork from home), and 4-8 additional hours on Monday. I work an average of 44 hours per week. 

I leave the house early on Saturday and Sunday mornings, and return in the evening, usually about 7 or 8pm. When I leave the house in the morning, my husband is usually already up and on the computer playing Call of Duty. When the kids get up, they go downstairs, sit on the couch and watch TV. This is where they sit ALL DAY. For 12+ hours. Except when they go to the pantry or refrigerator to find themselves something to eat. The older ones supervise the toddler and take care of him all day. My husband sits on the computer or in front of the TV in our bedroom all day long. Every time I call home to check on things, the kids say "We're watching TV and Dad is upstairs on the computer." When I return home at 8pm, I find the younger kids still in their pajamas from the night before, having never gotten changed out of them. They are usually starving at this time and waiting for me to come home and take care of dinner, even though its already 7 to 8pm and I still have paperwork to do. Even if I ask my husband to do something during the weekend that is "typically male" such as clean up the yard or the garage, he ignores me. He does do laundry on Sunday afternoons. HIS OWN LAUNDRY. So that he can pack his bag and go back to work. 

And guess what else? I also think it would be nice, if I could come home on Sunday evening after having just worked 2 16 hour shifts in a row, to come home to a clean house that I could enjoy and feel comfortable in. Guess how many times that has happened? ZERO. But he sure wants it clean for him when he gets home on Friday. Even when I have busted my rear to make it sparkling clean when he comes home, he has not changed his efforts. It's been this way for 6 years. We've been to counseling over this. 

If I sound bitter, it is because I am. I probably don't have to tell you that this is by far not the only issue in our marraige. To say our marraige is hanging on by a thread is being generous. Feels better to vent a little.


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## Ten_year_hubby

bagman said:


> Not only am I unable to be comfortable in my own home, I'm totally embarrassed to let a guest in. I'm ashamed and repulsed by my own living space. How can I live this way? Before you say, "let it go," please consider this: Let's say you dislike broccoli. Can you just "LET IT GO" and eat broccoli every meal, or would you be miserable and repulsed? Well, I dislike a messy home just as much as you dislike broccoli. Just like you don't know how to enjoy and accept broccoli, I don't know how to enjoy and accept a messy home.


bagman,

A messy house is not broccoli. Self justification only makes one self justified. I promise you can find your way to be comfortable, unashamed, unembarrassed, un-repulsed. You own your feelings and you choose to allow yourself to feel them or not. When you are able to own your side of your situation, you will have a great deal more advantage in helping your wife own her part.


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## waiwera

DesertFlower said:


> Ok, so I get on my computer today and find this page the most recent on my browser history. My husband was the last one to use the computer. I thought he was the original poster, until I saw this was from 2010. So, he isn't the original poster, but he could have written the original post. He's echoed many of the same things in the past, although usually in a much more rude and angry tone. He was obviously looking for advice on how to deal with his own messy, inconsiderate wife. So I thought I would register and post a reply.
> 
> I'd just like to say here that each situation is unique, and the original poster's situation was probably much different than my own. I'd just like to offer a different situation that others may draw from (and VENT a little too).
> 
> You see, my husband is quite "old fashioned" in his thinking that the wife should be the one to take care of the home and do the parenting. Honestly, I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I love being a mother and honestly wish I could do a better job at creating a beautiful and peaceful home environment for us all. Unfortunately, for all of his "old fashioned" ideas about the home and kids, he is surprisingly progressive when it comes to the ideas of who should be the breadwinner of the household. I, too, work a full time job, most of the time I put in more hours than he does. I've presented to him many times that perhaps I could do a better job of keeping the house clean if I quit my job and devoted myself to being a wife, mother, and homemaker. Our house is nowhere near hoarder status, it's more like sink overflowing with dishes, things need to be dusted, and kids toys are on living room floor. I've even given him a written presentation of all the places in our budget where we would cut from that would allow me to stay home. He would hear none of it, as he doesn't want to downgrade internet speeds, premium cable channels, subscriptions, or give up his $600/month truck payment. It actually would be quite a lifestyle change for us, with about a 70% reduction in pay.
> 
> My husband works 5 nights per week, Sun-Thurs, in a town 2 hours away from where we live. His employer pays for his hotel room there so he doesn't have to make that commute every day. He works from about 10 pm until about 3 to 4am, depending on how much work there is to be done. He averages about 30 hours per week, but does occasionally get up to 40. After his shift, he goes to a hotel room and goes to sleep. He gets up at about 10am and leaves so that the MAID can come clean his room. He goes out to lunch at a restaurant. He is a big movie buff and takes himself to the movie theater to see a movie quite often. Nobody or nothing else to worry about but himself. He then goes back to the hotel and plays computer games or back to sleep until it's time to go to work again.
> 
> Meanwhile back at home, I'm getting kids up and ready for school, taking them to their schools, doctors appts, dentist, eye doctor, speech therapy, extracurricular and social activities, checking backpacks and helping with homework, talking to teachers, preparing meals, doing laundry, giving baths, taking care of the pets and cleaning the house. We have a toddler who is not in school yet, who is with me all day. I do the grocery shopping and run all the household errands. The finances are also my responsibility; my husband never knows how much money we have or which bills are paid or not paid, never wants to hear about it, basically, "Here's my paycheck, you take care of the rest."
> 
> My husband returns home on Friday and I get ready for my "workweek" which consists basically of 4 hours Friday night, 16 hours both Saturday and Sunday (12-14 hours out of home followed by 2-4 hours of paperwork/computerwork from home), and 4-8 additional hours on Monday. I work an average of 44 hours per week.
> 
> I leave the house early on Saturday and Sunday mornings, and return in the evening, usually about 7 or 8pm. When I leave the house in the morning, my husband is usually already up and on the computer playing Call of Duty. When the kids get up, they go downstairs, sit on the couch and watch TV. This is where they sit ALL DAY. For 12+ hours. Except when they go to the pantry or refrigerator to find themselves something to eat. The older ones supervise the toddler and take care of him all day. My husband sits on the computer or in front of the TV in our bedroom all day long. Every time I call home to check on things, the kids say "We're watching TV and Dad is upstairs on the computer." When I return home at 8pm, I find the younger kids still in their pajamas from the night before, having never gotten changed out of them. They are usually starving at this time and waiting for me to come home and take care of dinner, even though its already 7 to 8pm and I still have paperwork to do. Even if I ask my husband to do something during the weekend that is "typically male" such as clean up the yard or the garage, he ignores me. He does do laundry on Sunday afternoons. HIS OWN LAUNDRY. So that he can pack his bag and go back to work.
> 
> And guess what else? I also think it would be nice, if I could come home on Sunday evening after having just worked 2 16 hour shifts in a row, to come home to a clean house that I could enjoy and feel comfortable in. Guess how many times that has happened? ZERO. But he sure wants it clean for him when he gets home on Friday. Even when I have busted my rear to make it sparkling clean when he comes home, he has not changed his efforts. It's been this way for 6 years. We've been to counseling over this.
> 
> If I sound bitter, it is because I am. I probably don't have to tell you that this is by far not the only issue in our marraige. To say our marraige is hanging on by a thread is being generous. Feels better to vent a little.


Desert flower sorry you feeling this... I do hope your husband comes back and reads your post.

You can always start your own thread... if you want to vent more.

All the best.


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## Mrs.K

I am just like you OP, I can not relax or even think about relaxing before everything is just right. Luckily my husband has improved a great deal over the years because I think I would go crazy if he didn't.

My house is always clean and free of clutter so the situation isn't the same but I get so annoyed when he comes home from work and just dumps his stuff all over the house or doesn't take his shoes off and walks through on the floors I just washed.

FINALLY the I was at my wits end and asked him how he would feel if he worked his tush off all week and as fast as the money hit the bank for direct deposit if I just spent it all at once? He had no idea how unappreciated or disrespected I was feeling.

I take my job as a homemaker very seriously and work so hard to make a nice family environment and finally he sees that and while he still does things that drives me banana's he is a lot more considerate.

In your situation though it sounds like you could maybe even use some outside help like a cleaning service or professional organizer if you can afford it so you can get everything done in one large sweep. When it comes to the clutter does she refuse to get rid of things? Or is it just truly bad habits of not putting things away and it just ends up piling up?


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