# The old "I love you but i dont know if im in love you" chestnut



## angryandconfused (Feb 21, 2013)

New here so please be gentle, sorry if this is long winded 

My wife and i have been together for 10 years married for 6, we have 2 children 4 and 2. We've had our ups and downs just like any couple and we have always stuck solid and pushed forward.

Past 12 to 18 mths have brought us to breaking point hence the title, my wife dropped that nugget of gold on me a few days ago. Now for a bit of background, it's hard for me to put this into words so if i ramble im sorry.

About 12-14 mths ago i put myself in a position with her best friend that severly undermined my wifes trust in me and which also cost her that friendship. I never cheated but the friend implied that i had made moves on her which couldn't be further from the truth. We had always had i guess a "flirty" relationship but it was what it was nothing more. We were both incredibly drunk at her place alone which should never have happened and i never considered the implications, this i deeply regret even now.

My wife chose to believe me and after a couple of months we began to move on and things got better or so i thought. My wife has very hard time in letting things go, even small insignificant things in day to day life fill her head to the point she has a hard time sleeping as her mind is going a million miles an hour. She has had some form of depression for awhile now and is taking medication. 

During this period my wife lost alot of weight 25-30kgs and i stupidly started to develop jealousy insecurity issues as there was very little sex/intimacy between us. I have a rather high sex drive and her's has been on the decline, she says she could go weeks or even months without sex as she doesn't have that "drive" or "feeling" to do it. Having said that when we do have sex etc its fantastic it's the whole getting in the mood process she struggles with and to her credit she has made huge efforts to change in that area lately its been fantastic but that "drive" is still not there.

She started a new job and my jealousy/insecurity issues began to get worse i agreed to see someone and as it turns out it's highly possible i may have some form of BP and im currently on medication/therapy etc. My issues have become so bad as to check her ph and location. We had a night out a few months ago where i drank heavily and mixed with medication had a devastating effect on my mental state and we had a massive arguement and to my everlasting shame i did the unthinkable and i grabbed her by the throat, im not a violent person by any means, never have been but something in me just snapped and i had no control. I will never forgive myself and i dont know if she will either. I hate what ive become.

She had developed a friendship with a male colleague that only fed my insecurity. She wasn't aware untill recently that i was checking her ph and there has never been anything to suggest a physical affair its just general banter mostly work related and there can be 3 or 4 days without a message between them but it's been impossible for me to shake that gut feeling.

Cue forward to last week. My wife had a small work seminar on after work, i spoke with her during what she told me was a break. Just by the tone of her voice i could tell straight away something was off, i tried not too let it get the better of me as she had told me it was a very stressfull day but i couldnt let it go. I used find my iphone app, she had actually left the seminar a good half hour prior and was actually in the car. I never said anything to let it play out, she knew i was suspect but never said anything.

Turns out she went to this work colleagues home to discuss an urgent work matter that could see her out of a job (my wifes on a maternity leave contract which is coming to an end). Now i have no reason too doubt this its just hard to swallow when she lied to me 3-4 times knowing full well i knew she wasnt where she said she was. She swears black and blue and on the kids lives etc nothing has or will ever happen its not like and is in no way attracted to him in any form and that she just felt like she didnt have to justify it as she wasnt going there for any other reason than to discuss work and given my issues felt a fight was better left for another day. There werent any messages or ph calls made to and from his place to allude to anything having or about to take place it was just general stuff so maybe its all in my head. She agreed that it was in no way appropriate and cant believe she was so reckless as it isnt her at all she plans things to the finest detail and not one to throw caution to the wind and just didnt think because her motives were nothing but work.

As this all seemed too convenient i confronted the work colleague and got pretty much the same response he has since asked her to keep the friendship strictly work related. 

So in the last few days my wife said she has reflected on why she lied and went to his house and says she just doesnt know and it has made her question whether or not she actually feels anything for me anymore as she would never have thought she would lie and decieve me even though it wasnt deliberate. She feels like she can't breath at times. She says whilst she loves me more than anything she doesn't know if all my jealousy/possessive issues have made me unattractive to her and not dealing with past issues and the depression are clouding her judgement. She feels that she should look at me and feel a spark or something but its not there and she doesnt know if we can get it back hence the "I love you but i dont know if i love you" but when we are together and things are good her body language and demeanour say the exact opposite which is so confusing. 

For example, we had a breakin and lost our wedding rings, they are still in the process of being made and she still wants to get hers re done even after coming out with all this. 

She agreed straight away to go to couselling and wants to work to save our marriage and not just give up without trying so i guess thats a win, im just terrified that the damage is done and worst of all its mostly all on me.

Thanks for taking the time to read this i know its long but i had to try and paint an accurate picture.


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## angryandconfused (Feb 21, 2013)

Someone, Anyone have any insight ?

:scratchhead:


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Counselling is in order, yet if she is still involved with this other man, it will be ineffective.

She sounds like she looking for something. MLC?

Have you read any relationship books yet?


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## angryandconfused (Feb 21, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> Counselling is in order, yet if she is still involved with this other man, it will be ineffective.
> 
> She sounds like she looking for something. MLC?
> 
> Have you read any relationship books yet?




She still works with the guy and has assured me many times it never has nor will it ever be any more than a friend at work. i have to trust that i guess.

I've said the same thing, but she is so up and down with her emotions that its impossible to read. She can come across as not having a care in the world and life etc is great, she is caring, loving, outgoing and the most amazing person

Then its all doom and gloom of life shouldnt be this hard etc

She has mentioned she feels sometimes like she has lost her sense of self which is why with everything thats going i feel that she isn't thinking rationally.

I assume MLC is mid life crisis, can't help you there she is 29 so i wouldn't know.

Not as yet, i've there are so many its hard to know what are the good ones. Suggestions ?


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

first rule when you get the i love you but not in love with you....she is in love with the om. she lied to you to cover what she was doing, if she had nothing to hide she would not have lied. going over to his house HUGE HUGE RED FLAG!! and he rstopping sex with you she doenst want to cheat on the om sad but true. just my .02 cents


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

She is looking for something. She lost a lot of weight. She is looking for validation, compliments. A reason to feel worthwhile.

I suspect the incident you had with the other woman shook her foundation. She questioned herself. She had a good look at herself and was disappointed with what she saw. 

Now she wants change. That's what she was looking for from the OM. Can you give her that? You need to be the one who excites her.

You can see what a marriage looks like and how easy one can be destroyed in these books.

"His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters" by Willard Harley

I hope you've completely dealt with the OM.


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## angryandconfused (Feb 21, 2013)

terrence4159 said:


> first rule when you get the i love you but not in love with you....she is in love with the om. she lied to you to cover what she was doing, if she had nothing to hide she would not have lied. going over to his house HUGE HUGE RED FLAG!! and he rstopping sex with you she doenst want to cheat on the om sad but true. just my .02 cents



I've asked her this so many times and she is adamant that she doesn't see him in a sexual way at all.

I do think she may have developed an infatuation with the him on some level. 

The lack of sex/intimacy was 6-12 mths before she knew this guy, i can't remember if it was around the same time she started back on the anti depressants as i know these and her current one have a major effect on libido.


At the end of the day its not all her, i have to and have accepted resposibility that my actions are not acceptable in any way.


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## angryandconfused (Feb 21, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> She is looking for something. She lost a lot of weight. She is looking for validation, compliments. A reason to feel worthwhile.
> 
> I suspect the incident you had with the other woman shook her foundation. She questioned herself. She had a good look at herself and was disappointed with what she saw.
> 
> ...



I compliment her to no end, probably too much. 

I think she maybe isn't being honest with herself about her true feelings for the OM, she doesn't seem to know what she wants. Which is so confusing. She says we need a life outside of each other which i agree we live far too much in each others pockets.

I'm going to leave the OM out of it for now till the counselling, she says she is sick of going over it as there is nothing there and she is sick of having to prove she wants to remain married and try and fix things.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

angryandconfused said:


> I compliment her to no end, probably too much.
> 
> I think she maybe isn't being honest with herself about her true feelings for the OM, she doesn't seem to know what she wants. Which is so confusing. She says we need a life outside of each other which i agree we live far too much in each others pockets.
> 
> I'm going to leave the OM out of it for now till the counselling, she says she is sick of going over it as there is nothing there and she is sick of having to prove she wants to remain married and try and fix things.


Then take a step to read these books while you're preparing to do MC. Since she's motivated to work, let her take a look too. It does take two. 

Let us know what you think of them.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

not to be mean SHE IS NOT GOING TO TELL YOU she is with him! 99.987% of cheaters have to be caught they dont give the info up.


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## angryandconfused (Feb 21, 2013)

terrence4159 said:


> not to be mean SHE IS NOT GOING TO TELL YOU she is with him! 99.987% of cheaters have to be caught they dont give the info up.


I get that, but i have no real proof to be honest. She wasn't aware i was reading her msgs and in those there was nothing to suggest it was just a work place friendship.

At the end of the day untill i know for certain i just have to trust her and move on.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

angryandconfused said:


> I've asked her this so many times and she is adamant that she doesn't see him in a sexual way at all.
> 
> *Hate to say it but she's PROBABLY lying. Not saying she actually IS but I would be very suspicious*
> 
> ...


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

^^^^^^ :iagree: with Toffer. 

Polygraphs may do a great deal to settle all suspicions and doubts, on both sides.


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## lovesux (Feb 24, 2013)

when your wife says that.. 9 times out of 10, she's seeing someone or contemplating it. Personal experience!!


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

If there is or isn't a man involved, fact of the matter is, she doesn't love you anymore. She was in love with you before but somethings have accumulated over the years where she doesn't love you and isn't attracted to you. 

You said she lost a lot of weight. What about you? How is your appearance? How is your attitude towards her? From what you wrote, it sounds like you don't give your wife any reason to love you. You come off as the angry, out of control, domineering, jealous husband. Change that and I bet she falls in love with you again.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

For starters, you need to quit minimizing your own mistakes. A man who wants to make his marriage work doesn't end up alone and drunk in a woman's house, especially one he's been flirting with. You weren't there to play checkers and, of course, you knew what it wrong, dangerous,and looked bad. You got home some way and if it was by driving, you were also DUI. A guy who wants his marriage to work doesn't grab his wife about the throat or spy on her. I don't know if the woman is having an affair or not. If you were trying to drive her into another man's arms, you were making the right moves. You've had a decade with her. You've made two kids with her. She knows who you are and what you are. If she doesn't feel safe or loved with you, isn't that your fault? If she's still with you five years from now, it'll be because she wants to be and not because you did a great job of spying. Both of the major traumas you caused, you said you were drunk and because you were drunk you weren't really responsible. Put the bottle down and be responsible 100% of the time. Who is more dead? A woman strangled by a sober husband or one strangled by a drunk one? Women absolutely need security and no one can feel secure around someone who flirts with their best friend or who might get drunk and strangle them to death any night. My advise is to quit spying, quit drinking, start behaving like a confident, reliable, loving husband. If you were a woman with two small kids, would you stake your future and their's with a guy you really can't trust? You need to, at least, appear to be a rock, a safe, unchanging, reliable place for her and the kids from the craziness and insecurity of the world.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You want the truth or you want a fantasy tale?

She's probably slept with him or at the minimum had a make out/grope session. Cheaters use the blind love a spouse gives them to blow smoke up their behind.

Really, if she wasn't your wife and you heard this story, would you buy it? Love, the ultimate smoke screen that a cheater uses on a BS.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> For starters, you need to quit minimizing your own mistakes. A man who wants to make his marriage work doesn't end up alone and drunk in a woman's house, especially one he's been flirting with. You weren't there to play checkers and, of course, you knew what it wrong, dangerous,and looked bad. You got home some way and if it was by driving, you were also DUI. A guy who wants his marriage to work doesn't grab his wife about the throat or spy on her. I don't know if the woman is having an affair or not. If you were trying to drive her into another man's arms, you were making the right moves. You've had a decade with her. You've made two kids with her. She knows who you are and what you are. If she doesn't feel safe or loved with you, isn't that your fault? If she's still with you five years from now, it'll be because she wants to be and not because you did a great job of spying. Both of the major traumas you caused, you said you were drunk and because you were drunk you weren't really responsible. Put the bottle down and be responsible 100% of the time. Who is more dead? A woman strangled by a sober husband or one strangled by a drunk one? Women absolutely need security and no one can feel secure around someone who flirts with their best friend or who might get drunk and strangle them to death any night. My advise is to quit spying, quit drinking, start behaving like a confident, reliable, loving husband. If you were a woman with two small kids, would you stake your future and their's with a guy you really can't trust? You need to, at least, appear to be a rock, a safe, unchanging, reliable place for her and the kids from the craziness and insecurity of the world.


:iagree:


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## angryandconfused (Feb 21, 2013)

Thanks, some very hard hitting responses there and i can't disagree with any of them.


She says i have a attachment issues and can be very intense and sensitive to criticism which i've since looked into alot and i'm not sure if this has anything to do with myself being badly physically and emotionally abused as a child.

I wasn't always this way, the domineering, controlling, jealous side only reared its head in the last 12 mths or so. It was a tough time then with 2 young children that didn't sleep, i was doing 12-14hr shift work which left my wife to do the lions share of the work and run the household on just a few hrs sleep a day.

And in my selfishness i started to take her lack of interest in me as though she didnt care not stopping to think that my selfishness was the reason she was so run down and had nothing left to give me as i was contributing very little at the time. It just triggered something in me, and has gotten progressively worse and lead us to this point. I dont know where it has come from but all i know is it isnt me and i just want it too stop, i hate what ive done to my wife and family.

The thought of her and the OM still eats at me but i've asked her so many times now it just makes her angry as she says she is sick and tired trying to prove to me that nothing happened and says if we are going to salvage any trust we have left i need to accept her word that nothing has or ever will happen. She has always maintened through out our marriage that if she was ever going to cheat she would leave first, she isnt wired that way. She also said she didnt need to cheat to have a reason to leave, and if she did want out she would tell me. I dont know what to make of this, sometimes it just seems like a riddle wrapped in a riddle. Putting me aside, i dont believe she would do that too the kids. At the time all this came to light she showed me a text message he'd sent her pretty much right after i rang him at work and it was a message of "wtf is going on, your husband has just rang accusing me of sleeping with you, nothings ever happened. I dont need this ****, i have enough of my own problems. Keep me out of your issues" Now i know for a fact she hadn't spoken to him at all to give him the heads up. Maybe im being naieve. 

I've made an appointment with a psychologist to sort through my issues. And to discover why i went from an outgoing, very confident and thoughtfull person to a controlling, jealous, and selfish husband with low self esteem so quickly.

We are seeing a marriage counsellor next week, her decision which i thought was a good sign but im cant get my hopes up. She said she doesnt want either of us making a decision like divorce untill we have exhausted all avenues.


I guess i can take some comfort in that she hasnt just called it quits straight away and wants to make a go of it.


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