# Can separation help rebuild your marriage?



## unhappy at home

My husband and I have been living like roomates for what seems like forever. Recently I told him I can no longer live like this and told him I think we should separate in hopes of us working things out. We have grown apart and don't seem to have anything in common or even enjoy each others company - Has anyone tried this and had it helped?
He is moving out tomorrow. Since we discussed this and decided that he would be the one moving out, we have never gotten along better!! I mentioned that maybe it is not necessary move since we have been getting along so well, but he said he needs this time away to think and he is doing it because he want to. 
Has it helped for anyone, or am I kidding myself that this will make our relationship better?

thanks,


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## Dark Angel

You are not kidding yourself. Sometimes it has to happen for some to truly appreciate what they have.

Have you considered councelling at all? That might be a better start. Perhaps the two of you just need a mediator to show you your faults and shortcommings together?

Just make sure you do what you can before blowing the whole thing up. It can be very painful and there may not be a road back.

What are some of the problems you have with one another?

Take Care

BTW: Greetings from a fellow Ontarian It does suck being here, but everyone is very helpful.


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## unhappy at home

Thanks for your response - it does "suck" being here, but it helps to have others listen.
We have tried councelling, we went about 5 yrs ago when I was still at the point that I could not imagine my life without him - he would only go to two session and said it wasn't for him. We went again last October til Jan and it seemed to help a bit - he is a very negative person and was very critical of everything that I did - ie - making hot chocolate for the kids, if I was making it with hot water he would tell me it is better with warm milk and take over but them make it with hot water and milk - it didn't seem to matter what I did he did it better and would make a point of telling me. this stopped after our last councelling which was great,, but we still live like room mates - no interest in each other or desire to spend time together and if and when we did, it was very stained and uncomfortable - we just never seem to be on the same page.
It was suggested that he go on his own to coucelling, but he refused. It came to the point where I was unsure if I still loved him, I have tried for so many years to be what he wanted to make us "fit" that we grew apart and I am unsure where he fits, he has shut me out for so long I grew without him.
Anyway, I decided to go to councelling on my own because this lack of modivation on my part to try and my feelings of being "numb" scared me. I discussed the seperation with my counceller and she agreed that it may be the only way to work things out one way or another.
I guess now that it is happening, I am having second thoughts, I fear my children will suffer and even though I know I am not happy with the "status quo" It is livable and it could be alot worse.

sorry for rambling, I should know better than to have a couple beers and spill my guts!


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## 827Aug

Unfortunately it didn't work so well in my case. My husband was cheating though--therefore, we weren't getting along at all. He moved out to get more freedom. That way he wouldn't have answer where he was and what he was doing. He moved out to have more freedom. I guess it may depend on the reasons for separating. I strongly recommend finding a good counselor though before separating.

Sorry--I now see you have tried the counseling route. In that case, I recommend both of you read the book. "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. My stbx refused to do that too. Perhaps you will have luck there.


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## Dark Angel

unhappy at home said:


> sorry for rambling, I should know better than to have a couple beers and spill my guts!


Nothing to be sorry for. Getting things out in the open will help you sort stuff out a bit better, and the odd beer here and there will help relieve some of the stress.

Sounds like you did your part and he's not willing to play ball. I agree with your councellor. It might be the best thing right now.

Perhaps give him an ultimatum. Councelling, or you leave. Just be prepared to follow through with it, or you will just appear weak when you dont leave.

Its tough, but it might get his attention. If not, sounds like you might need to get yourself ready to be without him anyways.

It sounds grim, but dont give up. Not untill you are ready to anyways.

Hang in there.


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## shawn3497

I would be very cautious about making this move, remember sometimes you get what you ask for and the things you didnt, I have seperated before and it did not work out.


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## unhappy at home

Well, my husband moved out yesterday. We had a very long talk Friday night, talked alot about things we both need to make our marriage work. It was great to talk and get things out without critisism. I still wonder if this is going to make a difference, but atleast we have both agreed to try. OUr biggest issues are communication and him shutting me and the kids out. He admits to being negetive about everything and needing to work on having a more positive outlook. 
He came over for supper tonight so we could talk some more and he could see the kids. It was a great visit, we made supper together, something we were never able to do because he never seemed to like to work together he would do it alone, or tell me how! After supper we went for a walk and he actually held my hand - another thing that NEVER happened - before if we had to walk some place, he would walk 5 feet in front of me and I would feel like I was by myself.
All this little things are huge for me, my concern now is - can it be maintained? I guess time will tell.


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## Dark Angel

I know its going to be hard, but youre right, time will tell.

Was this a mutual decision or did you ask him to leave?

Hes certainly trying to show you that he doesnt want it to end like this. Thats a fantastic start. There is still alot of work to be done however.

Is he still resistant to councelling? Maybe let him be on his own for a bit, then suggest it again. He may be a little more eager then.

There are plenty of good books the two of you could read in the meantime also. There are two that are mentioned alot and I plan to pick them up:

- "The 5 Love Languages" (Dr. Gary Chapman)
- "His Needs / Her Needs" (Willard F. Hartley Jr.)

I havent read them yet, but I plan to. They seem to be highly recommended. Perhaps you could read them, then see if hes interested.

I really hope things work out for you.

Good Luck!


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## unhappy at home

Thanks Dark Angel
It was my suggestion for us to spend time apart because I just couldn't live in a room mate situation any longer - Guess I reached my bottom line.
He really didn't want to - hates change of any kind, always has, but did realize after our sessions with the councellor how disconnected we are and how he shuts us out. He did tell me that he could live like that for the rest of his life, I guess that is when I decided we needed to do something drastic like seperate.
I have read the 5 love languages, which I really liked and asked him about 3 months ago to read it after I had finished it. His first attempt, he told me he flipped through and he didn't think it was something he would get anything out of! - today he told me he is now reading it and also took another book I have had for a few years - the Dr. Phil relationship rescue. Him doing this does tell me that he is atleast trying.
I haven't read the his needs/ her needs, but will look for that.
Currently I am reading Too good to leave, too bad to stay - It is also a good book.
As far as him going to counselling on his own, I am not sure that is something he will every be willing to do - but never say never!
Thanks for your responses, it helps just to vent, but hard to give a clear picture of all the "crap"!


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## Deejo

"Repairing your marriage is about communicating. You can't work on communication if you aren't living together."
Those words came straight from our MC's mouth.

I moved out hoping my wife would change - it didn't happen.

Recognize moving out for what it is; getting breathing room, and taking that first step towards acknowledging what life looks like without your partner. In many cases, it may look a whole lot better.


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## Corpuswife

It sounds as if you are off to a good start..."holding hands." However, make sure that you are both on the same page as far as the seperation is going. Set some "rules" (no dating others, dating each other, etc).

Separation usually doesn't work well statistically......mostly because there is a reason why folks seperate in the first place. Something is wrong in the relationship. However, this may give you space and time to work on things.


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## unhappy at home

Corpuswife, good point about setting some "rules", never really thought about it  
I can't imagine either of us dating other people while we are spending time apart because we have both talked about it in length and we are doing it to work on our marriage, to try and re connect were we haven't for so long.
I am hoping we at the odds and this actually helps us strengthen our relationship - I guess time will tell. 

My biggest barrier right now is the resentment I have let build up for him because he tends to shut himself away and build a shell around himself, he shuts me, our kids and everyone else out for long periods of time and because I know how much he hates change and the fact that he has told me that he could live with me like room mates for the rest of his life, makes me unwilling to readily believe that he can maintain the efforts he is making now.
I am trying hard to be optamistic , but there is a nagging little voice that isn't so sure. I need to let go of the past and look at this as a new begining without all the past hurt - I am trying to work on that.
It has only been a couple of days, so it is too soon to tell, but please keep your fingers crossed for me because I really want us to work! Next time we talk I will talk to him about some ground "rules"
thanks


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## unhappy at home

Deejo, I understand your point, but, we have actually talked more in the past 3 days since he has left than we have living together!
H, hates talking, but he has been calling,and texting and last night he came for supper, we sat and had a great conversation about the book the 5 love languages, which he originally wouldn't read, but is now making the effort( I have already read it)
Maybe the saying "absents makes the heart grow fonder" will apply to us!???


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## Deejo

I sincerely hope that is the case, and that things improve for your family.


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## overitnolove

Hi there,

I've been through hell and back and bak and forth again. We have finally found a really good marriage councellor which has helped immensely. 

What I have learned through this experience is that you need to find out what you need in a partner, not want, be honest about who you are and move forward from there. 

My H has done a complete 360 and is working his a** off trying to fix the mess he mostly created. I have openly admitted my part in it all, but b/c I got to the very bottom of things before I initiated the separation, if this thing is going to be fixed, he needs to do all of the work for a while until I get strong again.

So, the separation has been a really positive thing for the both of us.

H finally 'got' what I'd been trying to get throuh to him for years, and I in turn learned a hell of a lot about myself too, who my freinds are, my place in the world, what I need in my life personally. Separation is a really great opportunity to heal yourself and get in touch with the real you b/c omitting those parts of yourself helps with an un-successful marriage just as much as a H that is being a moron! lol....

That's what I have learned and we are working on things.

Time will tell.

Take care,


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## unhappy at home

Thank you Overitnolove for sharing your experience. 
It has only been 1 week, but I think this has been a positive step for both of us. We are communicating better than we have in our 18 years of marriage. We have both begun to look at ourselves and to try to identify what we want in our marriage and from each other.
I am trying to work hard to let go of past hurt, but this will take time.
My H is working very hard to make me see that he has changed and finally "gets it", but I have seen this change around before, but it never lasts long, so we will see - I am keeping hopeful, but cautious that it will all work out.
Thank you again for your insight, I wish you all the best.


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## Corpuswife

HOw are you handling the separation? Are you treating it "time apart" to work on the marriage or you treating it like a trial divorce?

I ask this as.....I have questions as to how to treat my husband once we are separated? He thinks the grass is greener after 24 years of marriage....


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## unhappy at home

Corpuswife, we are working on our marriage. We have been communicating everday - usually by text - something we never did before. My Husband has been here to visit the kids and he and I sit and talk. Honestly, we are getting along better now than we ever did. I think it has opened both of our eyes as to what we have been missing in our relationship. He as never been an overly affectionate person- he never even liked holding hands - he is doing that now - the transformation is amazing, but I find it a bit weird also, because he is acting like a totally different person and I have I feel like I don;t know this new person and question if it is for real or just an short term thing.
I think in your case, I would go with advise given to different posts and try the no contact for a bit, maybe that will help your husband realize that the grass isn't greener on the other side and he will realize what he had and could loose if he doesn't step up. Just my two cents.
take care


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## Corpuswife

It sounds very positive on your end! You both are willing to work at it....


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## Corpuswife

Any updates????

My husband moved out this morning. I hope the no contact bit, will wake him up. However, I really didn't have a choice with this situation. I am just controlling the amount of contact.


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## ls878

my husband moved out 1 week ago. with the suggestion of our counselor, we are not supposed to talk until after our we meet again after our individual appointments next week. but he texted me the other night to see how everything was. we have a 1 yr old that started a new day care and H was concerned. hopefully absence makes the heart grow fonder. i didn't want the separation, but i did bring it up to end arguments quite a few times. but ultimately it was his choice. he likes it. statistically, it doesn't look good for us. i'm just trying not to think about that and just focus on my son and i. i miss him terribly, but know i too need to work on my communication skills. he just needs to figure out who he loves more. me or the OW. I KNOW!!!


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