# What to do with my time after her affair, before resolution



## DevastatedToo (Jan 21, 2013)

Hi everyone,

I haven't posted my story yet, but the main thing is that my wife of 8 months had a month long affair which resulted in them having oral sex (to be confirmed tomorrow by a polygraph), me finding out and her lying to me about it being just an emotional affair, and continuing to talk to the guy small amounts. 2 weeks later, she finally confesses that they had oral sex. I don't know where I want this relationship to go.

So my main question for this thread is... what should I do when I have nothing to do? Normally, before the affair, when I have been bored, I took my own initiative to do something productive, or I'd just be lazy and chill. After the affair, my wife has been for the past 2 weeks the strongest person here for me. And in the last week, has been pulling out all the stops in handling all my pain and questions without judgement and knowing it may take months/years to recover, and even then, there will be a scar. We're both going to MC and IC.

Anyways, during the day, I can call/txt her while she's at work whenever I have issues. I can also occassionally meet with friends during the day or early evening. 

My problem lately has been that she goes to sleep, and I'm left awake in various sorts of pain: anxiety, mental images, painful thoughts, depression, wanting to scream, wanting to talk, etc.

Now, she has been here for me 100% for the last week, but at night, she needs to sleep, and I can't sleep. And I acknowledge that she can't be there for me ALL of the time. She has to have time to rest, eat, talk with her friends, you know, normal things.

So what should I do with my time? I'm super depressed, so I don't feel like doing anything productive. It's also fairly painful to just zone out and watch tv, because the emotions just start to sort of bubble inside of me, and I have no one to talk with, which has been the best way for me to stabilize and not feel so in my pain. It's also night, and winter, and very cold. So I can't really call/meet with my friends or family. I mean, I could, if it was an emergency. But my pain is just a daily, constant thing. Something I need to learn to live with for awhile. 

What should I do? Normally I could fall asleep at this time, but my mind and my emotions (sometimes one, sometimes both) keep me awake.

P.S. I love me wife a lot and want things to work, but I can't commit to it for now.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Execise, run, lift weights


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Your wife had oral sex with another man, lied and betrayed you 8 months into the marriage. I think this says it all. This is your honeymoon period. I know you do not wish to hear this but maybe your should consider an annulment. Clearly her marriage vows meant absolutely nothing. Why did she get married at all? Does she have any idea what a commitment means? If the roles were reversed would she have been so forgiving and accepting as you have been? What was her reason to do such a thing so early in your marriage?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Sorry that you find yourself in this mess.

Did you mean to write 8 yr instead of 8 months?

If you meant 8 months, how did your wife explain getting into a sexual affair, lie about it and claim to love you during the honeymoon phase of your marriage?

Anyway, to try to answer your question about "what to do". Physical exercise is a good way for your brain to generate chemicals that are benificial to your emotional wellbeing.

Try walking each night. Bundle up, get comfortable walking shoes, get your phone hooked up to a nice headset - its more comfy than earbuds, and listen to news, music, or a book. There are lots of good apps you can use. Walk at least 1 hr - shoot for 2.

Get an app like ulysis to give you data about your walk. Mix that up with a gym membership and tone your body and increase muscle mass.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

8 months in and she has already given another man a BJ. I would make this women brush her teeth every time she enters the house and not allow her to put those lips anywhere near me. You need to step back and really think about what she has done so early in a supposedly lifetime relationship. Clearly you love her more then she loves you and the marriage.

I hope she hasn't down played her actions as if a BJ is not that big a deal like other cheating spouses have on this forum. In my book its just as worse. You need to expose her actions to your/her family. If she is truly sorry for her actions and if your going to somehow reconcile, she must face the consequences of her actions. Don't protect or hide what she has done.


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## DevastatedToo (Jan 21, 2013)

Thanks walkonmars, I think I will go for a long walk tonight (1 hour is pretty long for me )

But no, sorry, I didn't mean 8 years. It happened after 7 months. Uhh, reasons... well, there is no excuse, and I am not excusing her, because I am really upset with her, but here's the reasons why.

She was molested as a child. She never went through any sort of counseling for this, and the guy was never caught. She has a distorted view of sex because of this. Her parents were drug addicts, her dad beat her mom, her sister did drugs, she tried to kill herself when she was in middle school (maybe I am wrong, it might have been right before middle school), a lot of her extended family has been perverts and drug addicts and low lifes. She's never been this way, good morals, had to be the older sister (even though she is younger). She's let guys do things to her that are not right in the past, it's somewhat a habit of her to not say no. She's been lonely, we have a new house. Most of her friends and family have cheated in the past, and some continue to still do it on their boyfriends/husbands. These are bad influences on her. She is young (21, I am 27). I spent about a month focusing on writing iPhone apps instead of spending time with her. Her mom died about 3 months ago. She has spent her entire life moving past trauma, instead of healing from it and moving forward. She has always had extremely good boundaries in our relationship with this one exception. I think all the stress in her life caught up to her, and she didn't know how to deal with it. So she cheated.

As far as cheating on me during the honeymoon phase, well, it hasn't really been a honeymoon. Our sex life has gotten worse probably directly related to how committed we have been to one another. It was great when we first started, but when I asked her to move in with me, it instantly changed, and just got worse the more committed we were. Finally, she is going to see an IC for all these issues she has.

Yeah, it's messed up that it happened so early in our relationship. But honestly, would it have been better to happen after we had kids together? 

Anyways, I'm not forgiving really. I'm not wearing my wedding ring anymore, and every day is painful. I treated her like crap for awhile. 

I did consider getting a divorce/annulment. However, annulment is not applicable in my case. It would have to be something like I lied about my age and was not of legal age to be married, so the marriage can be annulled. But as far as divorce goes, I tried that, and I also tried true commitment to being together forever again, but neither stuck for more than a couple days at best. 

My only option is to work with what I have and not get divorced for now. Maybe I will, but that will happen when I have no other choice and feel deep in my heart that I can never trust her again. However, I don't feel deep in my heart one way or another. Deep in my heart, I know I love her, but it'll take time to know whether I can stick with her or give up completely.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Devastated only 8 months in this is serious you 2 should be all lovey dovey possible bad self esteem issues with her to say the least. Don't set yourself up for years of regret. I hope the moderators chime in. Maybe if she gets some intense ic you could r with her but what does your gut not your heart say jmo.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I just saw what you wrote about the abuse, sorry. I hope some ic helps.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

You answered most of my questions.

Dude...you have self admittedly damaged goods. Now...can it be fixed?

Yelling at her for sucking another man's **** 8 months into a relationship is not 'treating her like crap'. It's your natural anger coming out (that is not to say beat her) She did a sh*tty thing to you. You SHOULD be angry.

But now I am sad to read that you are really not addressing the issues. You don't want to divorce and you don't want to go full committment. How passive.

And you also say that the closer you two have gotten, the worse your sex life has become. And this isn't a warning flag to you?

Dude...she isn't that into you. Don't know why. Don't care why. It sounds like you are a trip out of a sh*tty existance to her and she's screwed it up by...well...acting like her friends and family (you know...her role models...) and now she is desperate to NOT go back to that life.

Be wary. Run. Think YOUR thoughts, not what she tells you.


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## DevastatedToo (Jan 21, 2013)

Hey JCD,

I get what you mean. 

As far as treating her like crap, I did, and I did more than yelling at her. I've never been more angry in my life. I'm okay with what I did, because I didn't end up breaking anything that is of much value, but since her dad beat her mom in the past, she got extremely frightened that I was punching walls and throwing things over multiple days. Again, I'm okay with it, but not okay with continuing to treat her like she just sucked his dong for the first time every time I have some mental image.

And honestly, I don't get why you're calling me passive as if you're above me. Like I said before, I tried going full divorce, and I tried going full commitment, but neither worked, because deep in my heart, I don't know whether I can fully trust her again. And we are addressing the issues. Every day we talk, and we're getting weekly MC and both of us have just begun weekly IC. By the way, I found out about the EA a little over a month ago, and the entire enchilada was spilled at the start of this month. So I don't know, maybe you thought I was a lot further into processing this than I am? I know I'm not ready for a life changing decision. Logically, I'm not, and emotionally, I'm not. 

Her doing IC and dealing with her own issues, and us learning to work together as a couple should help. Things I assume will either eventually come to a stalemate, where I just realize that I can never forgive, or eventually I will forgive, and she will have grown enough in the process to show me that she is committed to me and to doing the things that keep us on the right track.

About the sex problem, yeah, it was a warning flag. We've fought a lot about it in the past, and after this affair, I'm much less forgiving about us having a poor sex life together. However, I think IC will help. Not to get into details, but I believe our sex issues stem from her being molested and never dealing with it properly.

You can have your opinion that she isn't into me. However, she is. She's crazy about me, but damaged by her past. 

I've addressed the friends issue recently too. I always heard that the 5 people you spend the most time with paint a good picture of who you are, but I always kept her separate. Her choices in her life have been very different from her family, and she has always seemed to be able to keep a disconnect from her friends. 

Maybe it's because we always spend most of our time together, so when she's around me, she mimiced my own qualities. Since the affair however, I have seen them as a bad influence in her life. Since then, she has recently realized that she does have bad influences. While she is cutting a lot of them out, some will still stay. I have expressed how important it is to have friends who have similar values as us, and how we need friends who will help support our relationship, and likewise, us support theirs. I think this will be something that we will both have to learn to incorporate into our lives as we go on.

Lastly, I do think my own thoughts. When she was trickling information, I tried to listen to her, and tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. But I kept digging and kept finding evidence that didn't quite add up to her story. She denied and denied and denied and we fought and eventually, I hit the end of my rope and decided that I am just going to get a divorce because I knew she was hiding something. I was 100% sure in my heart and in my logic. I knew I couldn't stay married to someone who couldn't be honest with me, whether it was that they actually ended up kissing, or whether they had sex, or whether they were continuing to have sex, it didn't matter anymore, because the trust was gone. Luckily, she admitted to the rest soon afterwards.

So no, I'm not going to run. I'll be wary, but not run.


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## DevastatedToo (Jan 21, 2013)

tom67 said:


> you 2 should be all lovey dovey


Yeah, we always have been quite lovey dovey. Affair happened not because of a failure on my part to be a good husband, or a failure on her part to love and want to spend time with me.


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

Indecision is a Decision to rug sweep, and weak. you are in for a life of pain.


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## DevastatedToo (Jan 21, 2013)

Jeffery said:


> Indecision is a Decision to rug sweep, and weak. you are in for a life of pain.


I realize that being undecided for months and months would be unwise, but are you suggesting that it is healthier to jump to a conclusion? I disagree if that's what you're stating, but maybe you know something I don't since I'm new here.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Excuse me. What I meant by the word "Run" is that when you can't sleep and are torn up mentally, you should go running.

I had a very bad patch with my stepmother. I found going out running to be cathartic. I could get angry without property damage, and use my pain to help myself on some level.

It was also a quiet thinking time.

You are correct to not make a quick decision, but your default position seems to be 'not leave' and 'not stay'.

Take two months.

Who was this POS and what changes is she making to make sure this will not happen again? What are you going to do to him? HE knew she was a married woman. More importantly, what is SHE going to do to him?

If she wants to show remorse, she should sit down with his wife or GF and outline that she sucked his dong while they were in a relationship.

He had no problem messing with your relationship. Why should you spare his?


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## DevastatedToo (Jan 21, 2013)

Ah okay, I thought you were telling me to run from my marriage, lol. I didn't get that. Yeah, I went for a walk tonight as suggested, and then got angry for a sec and tried to run, but my back started hurting today (i'm out of shape right now and have had some back problems since I was in middle school and hurt my back breakdancing). However, I need to get back in shape, otherwise I can't work because of my back.

The guy was a customer from her work. She's going through counseling to fix her own problems, she says if she gets lonely again, she will talk with me instead of talking with other guys, her having guy friends is pretty much not ever allowed again. She's gonna show me her phone or let me know when someone txts her who shouldn't be, or says something they shouldn't. 

I have full access to all digital information from records to passwords. She (her own idea) got a new cell phone and a new phone number. To some it may look like she got rid of her old phone to hide evidence, but I already scanned it for deleted txts, and she still has the old phone, it just has no service.

She only gave her number out to people who have no interest in her, and so if I check the phone bill, and I see txts/calls being made to a person I don't recognize, it's a big warning sign.

She told him that he is not allowed to come to his work any more, and she woke me up in the middle of the night when he sent her a facebook post a week after she told me everything. She also txted me right after he showed up at her work to tell me everything that happened. I have GPS tracking on her phone. She knows this and has agreed to keep it on.

I'm not going to do anything to him. For awhile I wanted violence, but I don't want jailtime either. My friend basically told me that if I ever see him on the street, I can just walk away. And then when we think back at this day, it will be about how I walked away instead of letting my anger control me. But if I let my anger control me, I will look back at this day and cry.

She has cut all contact with him. I don't know if there are any laws that would prevent him from making contact with her?

This guy was actually recently cheated on by his fiance, so I assume he is a single guy. He has two children, and I thought about exposing his stuff to them, but they aren't adults, and probably wouldn't understand. And I don't want to get involved either. I don't need him trying to mess with me because I found a way to contact his children. As long as my wife keeps him out of her life, which I think she is fully capable of doing, I think my best plan of action is to move on from any ideas of revenge. Sure, he's a POS, but my wife is the one who I am holding responsible for the affair, not him.

When it comes to making a decision: that's why I'm going to counseling. I want my marriage to work, but I'm not ready to tell her again 'For better or for worse'. Even if she never cheats again, I'm not sure if I can commit to her having this one affair. But I am committed to working on our issues and trying.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Ok, you got the on her right. BUT,,, i disagree with not saying anything to him.
Are you afraid he is a violent person or something ???
If so, then have her file harassment against him.

Personally, I would talk to him. You know something along the line of the beware of bad dog. Oh that's right that sign say, never mind the dog, beware of the owner. or this property protected by.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Unwanted contact is harassment. I think your lawyer can send him a letter threatening legal action for harassment if he tries to contact her again. That could lead to an Order of Protection - possibly.

Please don't have kids w her as a means of cementing your relationship. Not for a long while. 

You have to keep your mind occupied for serious walking. That's why using your phone for listening to music, news or entertainment shows, novels, etc is vital. Make or get an app like ulyesis. It keeps a diary of your daily walking distances, speed, location, etc.

It's not a great way to start a marriage, but now you know the kinds of challenges that lie ahead. Keep your eyes, heart, mind, and ears open.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

If he makes a single additional attempt, I would contact his mother. He has been told. He needs to know that it won't be appreciated without stuff happening to him too.

She should also speak to her boss about the situation.

I won't say you shouldn't leave this relationship. It is a viable option. But...there seems to be hesitations in your mind. WATCH!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

JCD said:


> If he makes a single additional attempt, I would contact his mother. He has been told. He needs to know that it won't be appreciated without stuff happening to him too.
> 
> She should also speak to her boss about the situation.
> 
> I won't say you shouldn't leave this relationship. It is a viable option. But...there seems to be hesitations in your mind. WATCH!


:iagree:


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Your wife need years long of intensive specialized therapy. She has no idea what love/intimacy is. No reference at all. For now she has to learn about boundaires, personal boundaries. Stick to them like a mad woman. She's the only responsable to understand that her past is horrible and she need a complete make over to become someone healthy. It's like an alcoholic, she's one for life. It's unfair what happened to her but she's now also an abuser, a very dangerous person to be with.
She may learn about what a healty relationship is maybe not. She's a huge risk. Sometimes those issues can't be fixed at all.
Be sure what your boundaires are and tell her to take responsability to become something resembling a potential good partner to share live. Any IC is honest will tell her it's a very hard task with no garantee. She's the one to read about boundaires, about what intimacy and healthy relationships looks like, to replace all her disorted beliefs with real ones.


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## DevastatedToo (Jan 21, 2013)

Maybe I will contact his parents. However, I'd have to do some major research to find out who they are and how to get in contact with them. He's a customer at my wife's coffee stand (well, was), and so other than a facebook page and a name, I don't really have anything on him. Sure hope he doesn't try to contact her again.

And yeah, I agree. She needs a major overhaul when it comes to installing the beliefs and choosing to be a good wife. I'm not perfect either, and am sure I have a lot more to learn. But her issues caused an affair, and my issues wouldn't lead to something like this and in comparison, aren't really issues at all.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Cut your losses and count your blessings you did not have children with this person.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Oh, Hello???? Now think. In just eight months, she decides to change the rules of the marriage. What will she do to top this in twenty four months? Come on, you know that this is NOT going to end well.
You will end up paying a much high price if you stay with her. Really,just my 2 cents and really good luck David


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## FryFish (Sep 18, 2012)

putting some other guys penis/semen in her mouth after less than a year of marriage...

You two dont have any kids that either of you mentioned... leave her... If you dont you WILL regret a large portion of your life... while leaving means you MIGHT regret it...


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## DevastatedToo (Jan 21, 2013)

Yeah, I know I probably should leave her. But I don't want to. Thing is, I've never been cheated on in the past, so I don't really know what my boundaries are. It was always easy to think that I would leave a woman who cheats on me, but actually put in the position, and her wanting to still save the marriage... it's difficult. If she loved the other guy, or was still talking with him, or she wanted out, it would be easier for me to leave. But that's not the case (to my knowledge).

The messed up thing is that even if I were to leave her, how could I trust that another woman wouldn't do this to me in the future? I really couldn't. At least not with my current attitude. My wife didn't cheat because I was a poor husband, or we had a poor relationship. That's what throws me for a loop. She doesn't have a history of cheating either. Messed up past, but that seems to be all things that she was born into. And she seemed to pull herself away from that crowd, so I thought I could trust her.

Maybe it's a mistake to stay with her, but for right now, I can't make that decision. When this all started, I really jumped back and forth between staying together and divorce. But now, each day I sway back and forth. I know we'll both be okay without each other, but I still have hope that she'll never do this again, and she'll grow into being a better person. 

I've told her that I am afraid that I will regret ever meeting her or staying with her. I suppose all I can do now is move forward one step at a time while being true to myself. If that means moving away from her, or closer to her, I suppose time will tell. I think I'll get my answer that way.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

DevastatedToo said:


> Yeah, I know I probably should leave her. But I don't want to. Thing is, I've never been cheated on in the past, so I don't really know what my boundaries are. It was always easy to think that I would leave a woman who cheats on me, but actually put in the position, and her wanting to still save the marriage... it's difficult. If she loved the other guy, or was still talking with him, or she wanted out, it would be easier for me to leave. But that's not the case (to my knowledge).
> 
> The messed up thing is that even if I were to leave her, how could I trust that another woman wouldn't do this to me in the future? I really couldn't. At least not with my current attitude. My wife didn't cheat because I was a poor husband, or we had a poor relationship. That's what throws me for a loop. She doesn't have a history of cheating either. Messed up past, but that seems to be all things that she was born into. And she seemed to pull herself away from that crowd, so I thought I could trust her.
> 
> ...


DT, did you invite your wife onto the forum? It seems like she's started her own thread. I think a couple of BHs on this forum would agree that that can cause from pretty significant friction.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

DevastatedToo said:


> Yeah, I know I probably should leave her. But I don't want to. Thing is, I've never been cheated on in the past, so I don't really know what my boundaries are. It was always easy to think that I would leave a woman who cheats on me, but actually put in the position, and her wanting to still save the marriage... it's difficult. If she loved the other guy, or was still talking with him, or she wanted out, it would be easier for me to leave. But that's not the case (to my knowledge).


Here’s a pointer, NO close friends of the opposite sex. Technically what she did is adultery and grounds for a divorce. Your phases of wanting to R one minute and D the next will go on for months. 

Keep in mind even if she wasn’t in love with the guy look how easily she was to just give some random guy a BJ because he paid attention to her. Still in the honeymoon stage of an M and will ignore her vows just for a little validation by a stranger?



> The messed up thing is that even if I were to leave her, how could I trust that another woman wouldn't do this to me in the future? I really couldn't. At least not with my current attitude. My wife didn't cheat because I was a poor husband, or we had a poor relationship. That's what throws me for a loop. She doesn't have a history of cheating either. Messed up past, but that seems to be all things that she was born into. And she seemed to pull herself away from that crowd, so I thought I could trust her.


True, any woman can do this BUT before this happen you didn’t think it was a possibility so you ignored the red flags and didn’t do things to proactively keep something like this from happening. Now you know what to look for and know that anyone is capable of cheating. Next time you should be able to see the early signs and nip it in the bud before boundaries get crossed. 

With a new woman you at least get a fresh start. You already know your W doesn’t take her vows seriously, not all women are like that.




> Maybe it's a mistake to stay with her, but for right now, I can't make that decision. When this all started, I really jumped back and forth between staying together and divorce. But now, each day I sway back and forth. I know we'll both be okay without each other, but I still have hope that she'll never do this again, and she'll grow into being a better person.


She has a lot of problems and you are not going to be able to fix her. There's no rush to do anything though so you should go with your gut one way or another because who knows. 



> I've told her that I am afraid that I will regret ever meeting her or staying with her. I suppose all I can do now is move forward one step at a time while being true to myself. If that means moving away from her, or closer to her, I suppose time will tell. I think I'll get my answer that way.


Yup, just put off having kids for a while. I think within the next 6 months you'll have your answer.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

No kids, only 7 months in...I say bail

My wife stuck it out and truthfully I felt bad for her because she got the short end of the stick. We were just about to be married when I cheated. If I could I would go back and tell her to leave me.

You can still build a very good life together but the damage is there forever, it'll never go away as long as you're both together. Not something I would wish for anyone at all.

I would rather have my enemies shot into space than have them go through what I put my wife through.

GL to you and whatever choice you make.


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## DevastatedToo (Jan 21, 2013)

Yeah, I know my wife started posted on here too, which is fine for me. Honestly, if I think she's writing to manipulate me, I'll be able to tell. 

The thing about her cheating is that she did it with someone where there weren't any warning signs. She's extremely physically beautiful and gets hit on ALL THE TIME, but she doesn't really put herself into unnecessary positions to cheat.

The thing about it is also that I've, throughout my life, been put in positions to cheat on girlfriends in the past, and even start relationships with girls where I never say things like I like you, or cheat. I've actually had a few instances in the past where I was really close to cheating (but I stopped myself at the last moment). 

I guess I always thought that as long as she didn't cheat, she could do pretty much whatever she wants. But she never really did things that were red flags, so for the most part, I was never jealous. There were a few instances where I was, and where she was, but we always communicated about it in the past. 

But yeah, I do know that if we do split, and I get into a serious relationship in the future, I'm going to have pretty strict boundaries, and any girl who isn't down for that is gonna be kicked to the curb. Now I know that even when me and a girl are mutually in love and things are going well, she is capable of cheating, and I gotta not allow her to put herself into positions with people who I don't know/can't trust. 

I did technically know about this guy before she cheated (he was a guy from her work who she told me a couple stories about, but she would occassionally do that about other guys too). So it was a complete WOW when she did this, no lead up. 

Our plan was to not have kids until she is done with school in the first place (a 5 year minimum). I'm even more rigid with this plan now. So don't worry, I won't have kids with her, and if she does get pregnant, I'm gonna push an abortion (which she is morally okay with, but she's never been pregnant before either, so I guess hypothetically she could choose to keep it, in which case, I'd probably ditch her unless we were all good by then). 

She's young, and made a mistake, and she has a lot of potential to be a good wife. We'll see if she is committed to being a good wife for the longterm, or if she's just doing it for the short term to not lose me.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You will soon find out it wasn't just oral....

She is probably taking the risk with poly because you will divorce her anyway if you find out about the sex..


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

DevastatedToo said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I haven't posted my story yet, but the main thing is that my wife of 8 months had a month long affair which resulted in them having oral sex (to be confirmed tomorrow by a polygraph), me finding out and her lying to me about it being just an emotional affair, and continuing to talk to the guy small amounts. 2 weeks later, she finally confesses that they had oral sex. I don't know where I want this relationship to go.
> 
> ...


The Internet. Chat in the social forum here, learn to take photos, paint and draw, write poems and fictional stories.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DevastatedToo (Jan 21, 2013)

I have a few things that make me believe that they actually did have sex, but she swears up and down (in a calm manner of course), that they didn't have sex and his penis never entered or even touched her vagina (yeah, I had to ask if he even put in just the tip, because you know how people who lie are... they would say that doesn't count). 

The best way I can describe it is that her having oral sex with a guy is like a 9.0 sized earthquake. If you know how the ricter scale works, its logithmic, or as I understand it, every 1.0 increase is actually a 10x more powerful earthquake. 

As you may know, 8.0 earthquakes potentially can kill thousands of people. A 9.0 tens or hundreds of thousands of people. Well, if they had regular sex, it would be like a 9.5 earthquake to me. Yeah, it's worse, but both are extremely damaging.

The worst part is that even when caught, she continued to trickle truth me. Which maybe doesn't add to the earthquake, but is like poisoning the water. So whoever the earthquake doesn't kill, they'll probably be poisoned and die that way anyways. So if I do find out that she had sex with him, it'll be probably about 100x worse than if she just told me from the start.

But you all probably know this. Will I leave her if I find out she had sex and has been lying to me still? Maybe, but I'm not going to try to figure out a hypothetical unless it comes true. I sure hope she hasn't been still lying to me, but whether she has or hasn't been lying, I may still leave. 

Difficult for me to be creative while in this poophole. I don't think I'll be any good at taking photos, painting/drawing, or writing stories. But writing on this forum has been helpful, and same with walking. 

By the way, I took her to the polygraph yesterday, and the guy had actually scheduled me for the day before. His fault, so we rescheduled for next week, wednesday, 3pm. Sucks I have to still wait, but I ended up telling my dad last night and has been really supportive, especially considering I usually find it frustrating to hang out with him. (He's a good guy, just talks about random things and gives me too much advice when I don't ask for it.).


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

DevastatedToo said:


> I have a few things that make me believe that they actually did have sex, but she swears up and down (in a calm manner of course), that they didn't have sex and his penis never entered or even touched her vagina (yeah, I had to ask if he even put in just the tip, because you know how people who lie are... they would say that doesn't count).


Yes, as you realize - a cheating spouse will skirt the truth in wonderful ways.

EG - they didn't have sex. But then she adds that his penis never entered or even touched her vagina. That could mean that his penis was covered by a condom, so never actually "touched" her vagina. That's how cheaters think. 

BTW, I guess oral doesn't count as "sex" in your wife's book. The Bill Clinton definition of sex. I wonder if the OM is a cigar smoker?


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Re: the polygraph. If it gets to a stage where you have to polygraph your wife, what's the point? I just don't see being in a relationship with somebody you had to polygraph. Besides which - the results are never conclusive for the truth because the tests can be beaten. Just my opinion.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

DevastatedToo said:


> the main thing is that my wife of 8 months had a month long affair which resulted in them having oral sex (to be confirmed tomorrow by a polygraph)


Polygraphs are ineffective, subject to operator error and bias and cannot be used in a court of law because they have not been proven to be reliable. Polygraphs can be useful as a manipulative tool to threaten or coerce a liar to TELL the truth in order to avoid having to take one. Hope that clears things up for you. Tomorrow you will not learn anything you don't already know. Based on your story I maintain that you don't have the entire truth and you possibly never will. 



DevastatedToo said:


> Like I said before, I tried going full divorce, and I tried going full commitment, but neither worked, because deep in my heart, I don't know whether I can fully trust her again.


I get that full commitment won't work due to lack of trust issues but I'm not getting why when you went "full divorce" it didn't work, because of trust issues. I'd think the lack of trust issues would make divorce a more viable option.



DevastatedToo said:


> I knew I couldn't stay married to someone who couldn't be honest with me, whether it was that they actually ended up kissing, or whether they had sex, or whether they were continuing to have sex, it didn't matter anymore, because the trust was gone. Luckily, she admitted to the rest soon afterwards.


Odds are your wife is still not being honest with you.

You only 'think' she admitted to the rest, truth is you have no way of knowing. The more you read on this site about "trickle truth" the more you will come to realize that you are only being told what she thinks you already know or suspect.



DevastatedToo said:


> well, there is no excuse, and I am not excusing her, because I am really upset with her, but here's the reasons why. She was molested as a child..I think all the stress in her life caught up to her, and she didn't know how to deal with it. So she cheated.


Yes, you are excusing her. And you're coming up with convenient explanations that are satisfactory to yourself without having a clue as to whether they're even correct. 

But whether you call them "reasons" or "excuses" doesn't matter. She's got deep seated issues that possibly resulted in her becoming a deceptive cheater, only 8 months into your marriage. Don't count on therapy to fix this any time soon, if ever. Therapy isn't some sort of magic bullet. If it works at all, it can take years. 



DevastatedToo said:


> I did consider getting a divorce/annulment.But as far as divorce goes, I tried that, and I also tried true commitment to being together forever again, but neither stuck for more than a couple days at best.


Wait, what? Up above, I quoted your post where you said you went "full divorce" and it didn't work. 

Now you are clarifying that you got divorced for a few days?

Really? Then what, you got remarried?

Sounds extreme. And rather ineffective. You need to be divorced for more than a few days before you can consider reconciliation.

I think what you meant to say is that you considered getting divorced for a few days. Somehow that has gotten changed into "I tried divorce and it didn't work so it's not an option".

Which of course really means, "divorce is an option that you are unwilling to seriously consider". 

Be honest with yourself. We're here to help.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

This is more than you wfe choosing to cheat. The only way I'd say stay with her is if she chooses to grow up and completely change her life for the better. The friends and family who cheat, do drugs, accept cheating lying etc, all need to get purged from your lives forever. 

It's one thing to live and let live, it's anothering to socialize with food who choose to carry only like trash, because if you hang with trash, you start acting like trash.


It's very troubling that you say your wife easily gave out sex to men before, yet your sex life was going down hill. Yet she had oral with this guy pretty easily. That says she's got some power issues around sex that must be dealt with before the marriage has any chance.

This is beyond a regular MC as it involves a wife with severe sex power issues, meaning it appears she will use sex to manage men the way she wants, but once you are managed and safely in controlled she looses interest and motivation.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> It's very troubling that you say your wife easily gave out sex to men before, yet your sex life was going down hill. Yet she had oral with this guy pretty easily.


Yeah, I thought the same. Seems rather contradictory in the face of the theories that the husband has proposed to explain his wife's infidelity. It doesn't explain why she's ok with having sex with everyone else except for him.

I found the wife's thread.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/66087-i-cheated-my-husband.html

I find it to lack credibility.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Devastatedtoo, have you checked out the Mathias's threads?

Mrs Mathias came on here to try and pull the wool over her husbands eyes. Unfortunately more truth trickled out, or rather flooded out.
They almost always trickle truth. I can think of very few instances on this forum where the whole of the truth came out straight away.

Your wife may be telling the truth but the odds are firmly against it I'm afraid.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...oo-many-ruined-chances-count-mrs_mathias.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/61098-third-strike.html


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

*DevastatedToo:*

OTC sleep aids, maybe double up on the dosage.

Helps me sleep and I don't wake up in the middle of the night w/ anxiety over the situation (I use Tylenol PM)

just my two cents

EDIT: 
And BTW (and I'm dead serious) - what diff does it really make if she gave the dude a [email protected] job or he penetrated her [email protected]? Maybe it's just me, but I see no difference. If you'll forgive a hummer, why not forgive intercourse?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

File for an annulment. If she truly loves you and wants the marriage then she will move heaven and earth. 

She doesn't sound all that desperate on her thread. Go find yourself a woman without issues and better grammatical skills.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DevastatedToo (Jan 21, 2013)

Cedarman said:


> Yes, as you realize - a cheating spouse will skirt the truth in wonderful ways.
> 
> EG - they didn't have sex. But then she adds that his penis never entered or even touched her vagina. That could mean that his penis was covered by a condom, so never actually "touched" her vagina. That's how cheaters think.
> 
> BTW, I guess oral doesn't count as "sex" in your wife's book. The Bill Clinton definition of sex. I wonder if the OM is a cigar smoker?


It's not that she doesn't consider oral sex to not be a form of sex. It was a distinguishing factor: ie if she was they only had oral sex now, and later it turns out it was vaginal, it'll be worse than if she just told me it was vaginal from the start.

But yeah I get what you mean, but I questioned her up and down so at least in my opinion I went through all the factors and possibilities where someone could play dumb about semantics.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DevastatedToo (Jan 21, 2013)

Cedarman said:


> Re: the polygraph. If it gets to a stage where you have to polygraph your wife, what's the point? I just don't see being in a relationship with somebody you had to polygraph. Besides which - the results are never conclusive for the truth because the tests can be beaten. Just my opinion.


Doing a polygraph for my benefit. She already trickle truthed me once. So is se still doing it?

My wife is also too dumb to be able to pass this test and lie. Not that I would be able to pass it, but really, I'd have to have practice and someone to train me, not just random Internet advice. She won't be able to pass it if she lies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DevastatedToo (Jan 21, 2013)

sharkeey said:


> Polygraphs are ineffective, subject to operator error and bias and cannot be used in a court of law because they have not been proven to be reliable. Polygraphs can be useful as a manipulative tool to threaten or coerce a liar to TELL the truth in order to avoid having to take one. Hope that clears things up for you. Tomorrow you will not learn anything you don't already know. Based on your story I maintain that you don't have the entire truth and you possibly never will.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


That last reply to the last quote I said was just dumb. Stop trying to be a smart alek.

But yeah, I won't ever know for sure, but I have good reason to trust her.

She let me try to recover her phone, and when it was scanning, she admitted everything knowing that everything wold be shown anyways. I wast able to recover anything though.when she was trickle truth ing me before, I also could feel it in my gut, I don't have that really anymore. That gut feeling would grow the more I held it in before.

Also, her only being sexual once, I have reason to believe. After that incident, txting and calling dropped a lot between then as indicated by att records.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

DToo

I read your wife's post thread.

All I can add is do the polygraph and then determine if she was honest about the intercourse.

Your wife has issues. And they probably stem from her abuse.

But she knows the difference between right and wrong. She knows her actions are hurtful to you.

She knows her choices and trickle truth have whittled you down.

But you get to decide if it will cost both of you your marriage.

Keep us posted.

HM64


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## DevastatedToo (Jan 21, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> This is more than you wfe choosing to cheat. The only way I'd say stay with her is if she chooses to grow up and completely change her life for the better. The friends and family who cheat, do drugs, accept cheating lying etc, all need to get purged from your lives forever.
> 
> It's one thing to live and let live, it's anothering to socialize with food who choose to carry only like trash, because if you hang with trash, you start acting like trash.
> 
> ...



Agreed with everything here. I had the idea of live and let live because I never thought the poor influences in her life (or past experiences) would influence her to express her frustration and stress by having an affair. I'm setting the bar really high this time, and even if she exceeds my needs, I may still walk. But either way, she has to heal for herself. Otherwise she'll be ****ed whether we stay together, or she goes her separate way. But she gets this now, and for the first time in our relationship has been taking steps forward to improve herself as a human being. Gives me hope that she could be someone who some day can actually respect herself ad her marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DevastatedToo (Jan 21, 2013)

sharkeey said:


> Yeah, I thought the same. Seems rather contradictory in the face of the theories that the husband has proposed to explain his wife's infidelity. It doesn't explain why she's ok with having sex with everyone else except for him.
> 
> I found the wife's thread.
> 
> ...


I personally think(though she hasn't gone through much counseling in this subject yet) is that she was wounded emotionally by her first sexual experience being molested. So she doesn't connect love and sex like I do. In other words, being committed means not being subjected to having sex that just brings up old pain. And the reason she does it and still has done it has primarily been a way to get attention/affection/love. She felt obligated to have sex because guys always want it. And she might too if there wasnt a big association of being used and being treated like an object. Since for the most part of most days, I was able to be loving and caring despite her not wanting to have sex, she just wanted more love in non sexual ways. She probably felt like if I really love her that I won't be so pushy about sex, and that now that I almost unconditionally love her, she doesn't need to trade sex for attention and companionship. 

I might be wrong, but I used to study stuff like this about childhood wounds giving people strange destructive beliefs about themselves and others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DevastatedToo (Jan 21, 2013)

old timer said:


> *DevastatedToo:*
> 
> OTC sleep aids, maybe double up on the dosage.
> 
> ...


I don't really wanna take pills unless its a last resort. 

The difference (if she told me right away) would be minimal. I mean, it would be a difference, but really what would be horrible now is if she were still lying and it turns out she did have vaginal sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DevastatedToo (Jan 21, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> File for an annulment. If she truly loves you and wants the marriage then she will move heaven and earth.
> 
> She doesn't sound all that desperate on her thread. Go find yourself a woman without issues and better grammatical skills.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Low blow bandit. Not helpful implying grammar skills has anything to do with being a deal breaker.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DevastatedToo (Jan 21, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> DToo
> 
> I read your wife's post thread.
> 
> ...


Thanks HM,

Yeah, I think she's a good person at heart, and while she had these problems to start, I never thought they would lead to an affair. We always had this sex issue, but sex wast a deal breaker for me. I wanted her to goto counseling for this, and hopefully we would have a better sex life, but even if it didn't improve our sex life, I was okay with it. I also was okay with her friends as long as my wife didn't act like that. Now there's no ignoring the elephant in the room. Don't know if I can ever forgive her, but it seems like most people say its possible. I can relate to the things she did, but what I can't relate to is how she could actually at the last moment just go along with it. It's one thing to flirt and put yourself into a vulnerable situation. But it's another thing to take off your ring and start smoking another guy's pole. I don't know if I'll ever be able to understand that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

It still might be better to seek an annulment NOW, even if you are trying to reconcile. You should write off the 8 months as a mistake - it's unreal and if you don't write it off, your marriage will probably always be scarred. If the R is real, renew your marriage and your vows. If it's not, you're already gone.


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## DevastatedToo (Jan 21, 2013)

WyshIknew said:


> Devastatedtoo, have you checked out the Mathias's threads?
> 
> Mrs Mathias came on here to try and pull the wool over her husbands eyes. Unfortunately more truth trickled out, or rather flooded out.
> They almost always trickle truth. I can think of very few instances on this forum where the whole of the truth came out straight away.
> ...



I just read a bit if those threads.

I am afraid my wife is doing the same thing, but when she trickled before, I felt it strongly and her story contradicted my evidence. I have more evidence she is telling the truth now, but I also have a small bit of logic that says there is more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DevastatedToo (Jan 21, 2013)

Cedarman said:


> It still might be better to seek an annulment NOW, even if you are trying to reconcile. You should write off the 8 months as a mistake - it's unreal and if you don't write it off, your marriage will probably always be scarred. If the R is real, renew your marriage and your vows. If it's not, you're already gone.


I don't see how an annulment would change any scarring of our relationship if we decided to get remarried.

But either way, my state doesn't allow annulment unless its something like we got married under false identity, or we were brother and sister, or one of us wasnt of legal age or something. I would have to file for divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

DToo:

I don't like to take meds any more than necessary, either. 

I do believe lack of sleep is worse, however. In the short term, especially during stressful times, we need to sleep and eat properly to help maintain a clear frame of mind to make the decisions that are best for us in the long term, IMO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You are determined to give her anothre chance. Fine.
Be sure then she take personal healing as a life long task. Beyond the usual issues she has to face being a wayward in reconciliation I'm talking about books, support groups, therapy regarding her serious issues.
Realize friend there are some things what possibly can't be fixed, as the sexual intimacy. Some abuse vitims come out relatively unscathed, others can't experiment healthy emotional intimacy, can't enjoy "clean" sex. You can always re evaluate next three months, next year... but the chances you consider her as a "project" putting your personal happiness aside are huge. Please don't do it.


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## DevastatedToo (Jan 21, 2013)

old timer said:


> DToo:
> 
> I don't like to take meds any more than necessary, either.
> 
> ...



Tylenol PM huh? Is that just for sleeping? I know it's over the counter, so I may try it. But would it really help when I'm angry at the person sleeping next to me?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DevastatedToo (Jan 21, 2013)

Acabado said:


> You are determined to give her anothre chance. Fine.
> Be sure then she take personal healing as a life long task. Beyond the usual issues she has to face being a wayward in reconciliation I'm talking about books, support groups, therapy regarding her serious issues.
> Realize friend there are some things what possibly can't be fixed, as the sexual intimacy. Some abuse vitims come out relatively unscathed, others can't experiment healthy emotional intimacy, can't enjoy "clean" sex. You can always re evaluate next three months, next year... but the chances you consider her as a "project" putting your personal happiness aside are huge. Please don't do it.


I've always been into some sort of self improvement myself, so it won't turn into my responsibility to fix her, but it'll be fun to be able to improve along side her because she has during our entire relationship, she has been pretty stagnant when it comes to moving forward in her life. I'll see as time goes on if she actually cares about what she says she does right now, or if its just something to focus on until I stop being mad.

But she has started counseling for her issues, and purchasing books to read on the topics she has trouble with. Will she read then? Well, if she is the same person before the affair, no, she won't. But if she wants to fix things, she will, and won't find an excuse every day to stay in the same place and do nothing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

DevastatedToo said:


> *But would it really help when I'm angry at the person sleeping next to me?*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Been there, done that, and it did work for me, DToo. 

TylenolPM, AdvilPM or store brands w/ the same ingredients.

You can get OTC products that have only the sleep aid w/o the pain reliever, but they're usually more expensive than the products with the pain reliever (WTF?).

Anyway - my point: a restful night's sleep leaves you better able to deal with the anxiety everyone feels during these trying times.


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## DevastatedToo (Jan 21, 2013)

I'm divorcing my wife. She was a ****ty girlfriend and a ****ty wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

DevastatedToo said:


> I'm divorcing my wife. She was a ****ty girlfriend and a ****ty wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bad news on the poly?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

What made you go to divorce in the last 5 hours??


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## DevastatedToo (Jan 21, 2013)

tom67 said:


> Bad news on the poly?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nope. I'm just done with her. She's been a lazy human being our entire relationship. I did all the work, was sensitive, took her side, put myself to the side to accommodate her too often. We have different and non compatible goals. Our lives don't weave together very well. I was in love, and the trust and love I had for her was amazing. But after the affair, it's like why? Why stay together? Well, I've stayed together this long only because of hope. But being realistic, we're too different and I'll always resent her deep down. I don't want to have kids with someone like her. She's pretty on the outside, but empty on the inside. I refuse to be with someone who cheats. I refuse to forgive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> DToo
> 
> I read your wife's post thread.
> 
> ...


Who is his WW?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

theroad said:


> Who is his WW?



http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/66087-i-cheated-my-husband.html


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

DevastatedToo said:


> Nope. I'm just done with her. She's been a lazy human being our entire relationship. I did all the work, was sensitive, took her side, put myself to the side to accommodate her too often. We have different and non compatible goals. Our lives don't weave together very well. I was in love, and the trust and love I had for her was amazing. But after the affair, it's like why? Why stay together? Well, I've stayed together this long only because of hope. But being realistic, we're too different and I'll always resent her deep down. I don't want to have kids with someone like her. She's pretty on the outside, but empty on the inside. I refuse to be with someone who cheats. I refuse to forgive.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Kudos on your being strong enough to have real boundaries, and moral integrity.

You have saved yourself 10 years of stress and hell.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Ya I'm curious to know what sparked the change of heart in such a short amount of time myself if the OP doesn't mind telling us? Just seems like a pretty big leap from this:



DevastatedToo said:


> I've always been into some sort of self improvement myself, so it won't turn into my responsibility to fix her, but it'll be fun to be able to improve along side her because she has during our entire relationship, she has been pretty stagnant when it comes to moving forward in her life. I'll see as time goes on if she actually cares about what she says she does right now, or if its just something to focus on until I stop being mad.
> 
> But she has started counseling for her issues, and purchasing books to read on the topics she has trouble with. Will she read then? Well, if she is the same person before the affair, no, she won't. But if she wants to fix things, she will, and won't find an excuse every day to stay in the same place and do nothing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


To this:



DevastatedToo said:


> I'm divorcing my wife. She was a ****ty girlfriend and a ****ty wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





DevastatedToo said:


> Nope. I'm just done with her. She's been a lazy human being our entire relationship. I did all the work, was sensitive, took her side, put myself to the side to accommodate her too often. We have different and non compatible goals. Our lives don't weave together very well. I was in love, and the trust and love I had for her was amazing. But after the affair, it's like why? Why stay together? Well, I've stayed together this long only because of hope. But being realistic, we're too different and I'll always resent her deep down. I don't want to have kids with someone like her. She's pretty on the outside, but empty on the inside. I refuse to be with someone who cheats. I refuse to forgive.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In a matter of a few hours.

But glad you've made a decision regardless.


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## DevastatedToo (Jan 21, 2013)

The real change I guess is this ongoing feeling that no matter how hard she tries, it's all in vain when it comes to our relationship. I'm still mad at her, and I really think cheating is wrong (I know some people can understand cheating because maybe they do it themselves, or maybe they just have compassion for cheaters, idk). Cheating is the worst thing she could have done to me, and the worst thing she could have done for our relationship.

I believe they had sex, and while I have no proof, and she keeps denying it and says she will do everything it takes, even take 5 polygraphs and pay for them herself, I'm kinda understanding that they're a little bit of BS themselves.

So I'll never know whether she is lying or not. 

And I'll always have a bit of doubt that she is telling me the truth. I can't give her the benefit of the doubt anymore since she already lied to me about this.

And to top it all off, even if I were somehow (which I doubt it possible for me) to ever really trust her again, I just know that I will never be able to look at her the same again. I'll never love her the way I used to. I'll never imagine that despite her flaws, that she would be the perfect mother. She's no longer an angel to me. She's just a broken human being who I once loved. Maybe some day she will fix herself, I really hope so. But I've never changed for anyone but myself, and I'm sure she's in the same boat. Nothing good will come of us staying together... at least for me.

Maybe some day we will be back together, but I don't think people can pull a 180 for life. So I kind of doubt I will ever believe that she's a new woman. 

I remember telling my last longterm girlfriend that after we broke up, we may some day meet and be together because we've both changed, but when I think of her, I don't have any desire to be with a girl I know things didn't work in the past. And I especially doubt I will want to be with a woman who cheated on me in the past while we were married.

My life is phucking bull$hit right now, and it's gonna only get worse staying with her. I expect to be cheated on again in the future, lied to for the rest of my life, and bored to tears by her unwillingness to have motivation in her own life.

I guess also what changed is that when I do something, I usually try to give it a good shot, to really test my theories. I knew my wife was wrong for me, but I loved her, and I felt like our love and trust was enough. Guess that one didn't work out. And I also tried to go through counseling with her. While I didn't last too long, and it did seem to be helping, I realized that I don't want to forgive her. Really. I don't. Not forgive her in a way that makes me blind to the fact that I can never trust her again.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Well reasoned and rational conclusion. But don't EXPECT to be cheated and lied to. EXPECT and demand honesty, fidelity, and integrity. You will know it when you see it and feel it.


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## DevastatedToo (Jan 21, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Well reasoned and rational conclusion. But don't EXPECT to be cheated and lied to. EXPECT and demand honesty, fidelity, and integrity. You will know it when you see it and feel it.


Ah, I meant I expect to be cheated and lied to if I stay with her. In future relationships I will demand those, otherwise walk.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Sorry man. I am neither for or against R, but when people try I root for it to work. If you know, in your heart, you can't forgive her it is best to move on.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Seems we have a couple things going on here.

First, you had an unrealistic view of your wife as 'your angel'. She's a human being...she would have found some way to disappoint you. And you've probably disappointed her.

But...infidelity is a much larger degree of disappointment.

But we also have the issue of you feeling you married someone you shouldn't. So you married what you felt to be the wrong girl...and now you have THIS added on.

May I suggest next time that you realize that your spouse is a flesh and blood human without wings...and that you choose a little better.

IF you are decided.

Take a couple days.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

If she gives a good blow job, I'd think she's worth giving another chance...
but hey - that's just me.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I think you are reading way too much into his words. He knows they are both flawed. He said as much in the original thread. 

Infidelity magnifies what you lost and exacerbates the current situation. A "flesh and blood wife" becomes the Virgin Mary before an affair and then she turns into the "W$%#@ of Babylon" once it is discovered.

It's the curse of hindsight being 20/20 and a coping mechanism IMO.


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## DevastatedToo (Jan 21, 2013)

Agree with philly. I didn't put her up on a pedestal. I mean, sure, to some degree I did, but I felt we were equals. My hard work towards our relationship was an expression of myself, and not as a way to make her love me (I know the difference because I used to do things to make people like me with the first few girls I was into). 

She was an angel... or in other words, I could look at her, and know deep in my heart that flaws she had were just that... flaws. But now I can't view her the same way.

But yeah, I'm going to be more reasonable about dating/marrying a girl with similiarities in values and the ways we conduct our lives next time... AND who is an angel  just like my wife used to be... imperfect, but perfect for me


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## Summer4744 (Oct 15, 2012)

Did you tell your wife it is over?

How did she react?


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

DevastatedToo said:


> Nope. I'm just done with her. She's been a lazy human being our entire relationship. I did all the work, was sensitive, took her side, put myself to the side to accommodate her too often. We have different and non compatible goals. Our lives don't weave together very well. I was in love, and the trust and love I had for her was amazing. But after the affair, it's like why? Why stay together? Well, I've stayed together this long only because of hope. But being realistic, we're too different and I'll always resent her deep down. I don't want to have kids with someone like her. She's pretty on the outside, but empty on the inside. I refuse to be with someone who cheats. I refuse to forgive.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Yahoooo! Good for you. No kids. A cheating wife. It's a no brainer.

Remember, you didn't do this to your marriage, she did.

Infidelity is the one reason that even the bible says is ok to divorce. Christs words from the new testament for who ever finds it relevant.


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## DevastatedToo (Jan 21, 2013)

Yep, I know she did this. I'm taking zero responsibility... Other than the fact that I married someone who lived a life of red flags, but never seemed to be linked to the red flags.

I told her. She cried. I kicked her out, but she's finding excuses to stay here. We have a temp agreement that she can sleep on the couch while she looks for a place to move into. Hopefully she will sign for a place within the next 2-5 days. From there we have to wait until she can actually move in, and then she'll have to move her things. Wouldn't be surprised if OM shows up at her place for 'comforting time' that leads to 'sexy time' within a week of her moving.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Summer4744 (Oct 15, 2012)

This is the worst part. The best thing you can do is stay active and keep your distance.

Work out hardcore and be carefull she doesn't pull stuff to try to draw sympathy.

Don't date anyone now, but start socializing immediately.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

DevastatedToo said:


> Yep, I know she did this. I'm taking zero responsibility... Other than the fact that I married someone who lived a life of red flags, but never seemed to be linked to the red flags.
> 
> *I told her. She cried. I kicked her out, but she's finding excuses to stay here. We have a temp agreement that she can sleep on the couch while she looks for a place to move into. Hopefully she will sign for a place within the next 2-5 days. *From there we have to wait until she can actually move in, and then she'll have to move her things. Wouldn't be surprised if OM shows up at her place for 'comforting time' that leads to 'sexy time' within a week of her moving.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Did you set a deadline?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

If she hasn't already, tell her about Trickle truth and how much worse it can be that a full confession. And cancel the poly if you can. Waste of money. Tell her you believe that they had sex(multiple times) and she need not convince you otherwise. That betrayal(over an extended period of time) means you cannot risk trusting her again or believe that she is telling you the truth, so you will go with the worst case scenario(sex multiple times)


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

I don't even think he owes her an explanation. Just gives her more of an opportunity to lie, deny, rinse, and repeat. She knows what she did, she obviously has serious issues, and judging by her thread she is very manipulative.

If he's done with her, why invest time to educate her about infidelity unless he want to salvage that relationship? With the amount of baggage she has it most likely wouldn't make much of a difference anyway.


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## DevastatedToo (Jan 21, 2013)

Yeah, I'm trying to keep my distance. For sure. My friends are really here for me, everyone wants to do what they can for me. I've been told 'what can I do for you'? by multiple friends/family. I har a support system as long as I choose, which is nice, especially considering I usually isolate myself in relationships for the most part.

I didn't set a deadline. I'm young myself and am not well versed in how long it really takes to move into a new apt, plus she had financial issues. So she has to work a bit to afford a new place.

She knows about trickle truth, and even before we knew the term, I told her about how it's worse. I don't really think they had sex multiple times, but Iwouldnt put it past her. Most likely they had sex once and have found ways to be deceitful, probably keeping him on the rocks until I pull the trigger and then she'll feel lonely and start calling her orbiters. But she's on this forum, so any active advice you give me, you're giving to her too.

I'm just playing it like they had sex once. That's how I'll always think of her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

DevastatedToo said:


> I didn't set a deadline. I'm young myself and am not well versed in how long it really takes to move into a new apt, plus she had financial issues. So she has to work a bit to afford a new place.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She doesn't have friends or family she can stay with? 

The only reason I ask is because my friend is pretty much in the same posistion. 28 years old, his girlfriend, who has been cheating on him for a few months now, is still living at his place paying no rent. 

And as much as he wants her to leave and they basically broke up (and only his name is on the lease), he won't set a deadline (even though if he did kick her out she has friends/family she could move in with), and as far as any of us can tell she's made no serious effort to find other living arrangements. And why would she when she can eat cake and he's not setting any type of boundry over the matter??


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## DevastatedToo (Jan 21, 2013)

Jasel said:


> She doesn't have friends or family she can stay with?
> 
> The only reason I ask is because my friend is pretty much in the same posistion. 28 years old, his girlfriend, who has been cheating on him for a few months now, is still living at his place paying no rent.
> 
> And as much as he wants her to leave and they basically broke up (and only his name is on the lease), he won't set a deadline (even though if he did kick her out she has friends/family she could move in with), and as far as any of us can tell she's made no serious effort to find other living arrangements. And why would she when she can eat cake and he's not setting any type of boundry over the matter??


My wife and I always have split bills 50/50 and keep our finances separate. She has agreed to pay a prorated amount for the time she stays here. Financially, I'd rather find roommates and give her a month to find a place and move out, but I'm more interested in getting her out of my life now for me to care about a Month's rent, and I refuse to leave when she is the cheater. I'll do my best to make sure she is finding a place ad putting a down payment on it. I want her to stay with her family, but her family is messed up, mom died a few months ago, dad lives in a diff state. The family she could stay with, it would be difficult to stay there as long as she would need (2-4 weeks I am guessing). A night or two would probably be fine, but then she would have nowhere to go. I suggested staying with the OM, but she says she doesn't want to, doesn't like him, and never wants to see him again. I don't really know any other options unless I were to put myself into a disposition. I've been too nice our entire relationship for me to continue being nice like that anymore.

If she doesn't show real steps towards moving out, I'll change my attitude there. But for now, she made a Facebook shout out asking people if they needed a roommate, and she has been looking at apartments that she could stay in. Pretty good start. Hope she can follow through without having to push.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

Damaged people like this can't be alone for any amount of time. She will most likely start a dysfunctional relationship with OM and lie to you about it, so you will reconsider your choice.

You have to stay strong and stay the course. She has misery written all over her. 

The advice you've gotten is good. Start an exercise program at a busy gym. Focus on yourself and be home as little as possible till she's gone. Then go dark till the paperwork is available to be signed. 

Use a sleep aid if need be. Tylenol pm or half doses of NyQuil worked for me. Don't over do this stuff though.

Good luck.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

dogman said:


> Damaged people like this can't be alone for any amount of time. She will most likely start a dysfunctional relationship with OM and lie to you about it, so you will reconsider your choice.
> 
> You have to stay strong and stay the course. She has misery written all over her.
> 
> ...


My wife hates medication and only takes it if its absolutely necessary. When she was going through a period of insomnia she took Valerian Root. Its a natural herb and it knocked her right out.


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## DevastatedToo (Jan 21, 2013)

dogman said:


> Damaged people like this can't be alone for any amount of time. She will most likely start a dysfunctional relationship with OM and lie to you about it, so you will reconsider your choice.
> 
> You have to stay strong and stay the course. She has misery written all over her.
> 
> ...



Yeah, I'm starting to finally get the fact that damaged people's brains work messed up. I'm sure in some ways I am damaged too. I have certain habits that are not what I would like. Of course, I don't turn to an affair as a sort of stress reliever either.

I'm sure they've already had sex, and when I go cold on my wife, it's only a matter of time before she ends up in bed with someone else while we're still married. Of course, she would never admit to that, just like she will never admit to the fact that the OM's penis was in her va-J-J. 

I'm thinking of taking up MMA classes. I used to do some jiu-jitsu, so it should be fun. I'll try to find things to do outside of the house when she is around to limit our contact. I kind of think she will be doing the same thing... spending time away from here if she can.

I'll probably also get some tylenol PM to test it out next time I had trouble sleeping. Last night I woke up and almost threw up. The whole situation is sick and I hate it. But when she leaves, it'll be nice for this to slowly start disappearing from my mind.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> mom died a few months ago,


Wait. When was this ?


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## DevastatedToo (Jan 21, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> mom died a few months ago,
> 
> Wait. When was this ?


August 2012. My mom died November 2010. This is one of the reasons I really have loved her always, because she was there for me when my mom died. We met in October 2010.

Fock, this is making me miss her. I don't like this feeling.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

DevastatedToo said:


> August 2012. My mom died November 2010. This is one of the reasons I really have loved her always, because she was there for me when my mom died. We met in October 2010.
> 
> Fock, this is making me miss her. I don't like this feeling.


you read about the rollercoaster, right?

Also cut out on the lashing at her a bit in your other threads...

Decisions like a divorce should be made when you are not so emotional about it. Separate if you have to but take some time to finalize the divorce process


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## DevastatedToo (Jan 21, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> you read about the rollercoaster, right?
> 
> Also cut out on the lashing at her a bit in your other threads...
> 
> Decisions like a divorce should be made when you are not so emotional about it. Separate if you have to but take some time to finalize the divorce process


I haven't read about the rollercoaster, but tell me about it. I am guessing I know what it means.

I'll cut down the lashing. Good idea. I'm not really myself. I don't like to be this mean, but I guess it's just natural for me to be angry right now and let it all out.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

DevastatedToo said:


> Yeah, I'm starting to finally get the fact that damaged people's brains work messed up. I'm sure in some ways I am damaged too. I have certain habits that are not what I would like. Of course, I don't turn to an affair as a sort of stress reliever either.
> 
> I'm sure they've already had sex, and when I go cold on my wife, it's only a matter of time before she ends up in bed with someone else while we're still married. Of course, she would never admit to that, just like she will never admit to the fact that the OM's penis was in her va-J-J.
> 
> ...



Good idea. MMA is an awesome way to get frustrations out and get in shape. Throw yourself Into the whole subculture of the MMA crowd that you meet. I find these people to relly be durable and fun as a group. 
I can't do this stuff without becoming completely immersed and caught up. 
Sleep, work, workout, make new friends. Perfect.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Be careful, you'll get addicted to martial arts. Great exercise, great fun and you get to learn Self Defense.

Heck you might decide to compete in a few amateur events who knows?


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