# OMG he's coming home



## michelle38 (Jul 11, 2012)

I am reading a great book about marriage. Lots of new things I learnt. And I really want to improve my marriage, however....

It's been 20 yrs. Bad memories die hard. This is just one example. My h is very NEAT. I was very disorganized. Still am quite a bit, but sooooooo much better after these years. I understand he had lots of frustration, such as nail clipper could not be found because someone (me or my son) did not return it to its original place, but....

it became an anxiety. Now I return everything to its place, but at a price. I have this fear when I forget something. This shows up prominently as h travels frequently. The house becomes happily SLIGHTLY messy when he's not around (I swear it's in no way a pigsty. In fact, I have seen enough homes to know my house and car are above average neat). Then right before he comes home, I start this panic review. Putting things away, cleaning out the car, etc. But to no avail. He DID say a couple times house was very neat, but inevitably he would find some spot that was not clean. He does not point it out---he goes to clean it. You might say "then what's wrong with that? he didn't criticize you". 

Well, i feel deep down inside he still does. it's the feeling of never being to please someone. Also, he is the kind of h who hardly compliments. Every time I read about men saying they constantly tell their w how beautiful, sexy, blah blah blah she is, I'm like "oh does that happen in real life...."

So, he's been away for a week, and i just went to clean out the car, put away all the material I used for a Michael's class, and I just realized I had to work tomorrow because my partner is sick. I thought I would have tomorrow to clean but now I''m like OH MAN. A big part of me is saying "f*&# this nonsense", and it's just really sad.....


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

Sounds a bit like my father, and when he went and cleaned or dusted something it WAS meant as criticism. It was just his special non-verbal way of getting his message across. 
My mother would add to the atmosphere by hurriedly cleaning up before he got home whilst loudly and angrily declaring that she WOULD NOT clean up just to please him. Did my head in as a kid.


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## michelle38 (Jul 11, 2012)

Dan Carruthers said:


> Now
> 
> Muster Up, Then
> 
> ...


Can I specifically as you to not comment on any of my future posts because I have never found your remarks helpful? Thank you.


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## Dan Carruthers (Jul 14, 2012)

michelle38 said:


> Can I specifically as you to not comment on any of my future posts because I have never found your remarks helpful? Thank you.



--- ..Alright , as you say...


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

I have the exact same problem... Is the book you're reading helping with the anxiety at all? If so, what is the name of the book.. I could use really use it... Thankfully my husband is getting more relaxed as we get older but my anxiety remains  I just want to make sure he's not diappointed in me...


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Ok, I am not a neaty freak by any stretch of the imagination, but I really get annoyed when I can't find my things. I have no problem with anyone borrowing something; but heck! PUT IT BACK as soon as you are done, please! Seems simple to me.

As far as tidying up, do what you are comfortable with and can do. Life is too short.


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## michelle38 (Jul 11, 2012)

lovingsummer said:


> I have the exact same problem... Is the book you're reading helping with the anxiety at all? If so, what is the name of the book.. I could use really use it... Thankfully my husband is getting more relaxed as we get older but my anxiety remains  I just want to make sure he's not diappointed in me...


You know, this is really NOT an easy read. I have a doctorate and I have to go thru some paragraphs several times, since the language he uses is quite academic. However, it's really good in the sense it goes beyond many common pop psychology notions. I have only gone thru the first 3 chapters. The chapter I just finished began to address the anxiety issues. The big theme in the book is about "differentiation", maintaining one's identity and not losing it or developing this "fusion" with your partner. Haha, kind of fits my situation. Anyways, it's this one

Amazon.com: Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships (9780393334272): David Schnarch: Books


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

michelle38 said:


> He does not point it out---he goes to clean it.


I've been your husband. I was OCD about cleaning and yes I suffered from anxiety.

What I think you need to remember is this isn't about you. He's the one struggling. When I didn't point things out and just cleaned it that was my lame attempt at fixing this. It was a baby step towards not making my husband pay for my OCD tendencies. Eventually with therapy I was able to get over this. I no longer have to point it out OR clean it.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

wow are you married to my ex???

i used to have panic attacks before he'd come home after being away.if there was a dish in the sink,he'd give me a talking to about it.if there was anything out of place,i'd hear about it.
meanwhile his areas of the house were in complete and total chaos.

i don't have any suggestions bc i never figured out how to deal with him.i wanted you to know you aren't alone and i understand your feelings on this.


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## michelle38 (Jul 11, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> wow are you married to my ex???


LOL I don't think so...I did ask him before marraige and he denied any previous marriages, but who knows. 

Mine is a little different from your ex in that he is really neat himself. Well, actually he does have bunch of papers lying around now. My point is, nothing wrong with being neat, but you don't have put the other person down about it. Besides, I have really been trying and doing a decent job. You know how most "mom's vans" (sorry you know what i mean) have kids's stuff, a reasonable amount of junk in the car...well first we don't have a van (h hates the idea), and my 2 cars both are spotlessly clean (at least when he's not around), like I do not dare to keep my gym or yoga stuff in there for convenience.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It sounds to me like you guys could benefit from a couple trips to a MC so you can air this out. If he won't go, then YOU go so you can learn to stop adjusting yourself out of fear.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

michelle38 said:


> it became an anxiety. Now I return everything to its place, but at a price. I have this fear when I forget something. This shows up prominently as h travels frequently. The house becomes happily SLIGHTLY messy when he's not around (I swear it's in no way a pigsty. In fact, I have seen enough homes to know my house and car are above average neat). Then right before he comes home, I start this panic review. Putting things away, cleaning out the car, etc. But to no avail. He DID say a couple times house was very neat, but inevitably he would find some spot that was not clean. He does not point it out---he goes to clean it. You might say "then what's wrong with that? he didn't criticize you".
> 
> Well, i feel deep down inside he still does. it's the feeling of never being to please someone. Also, he is the kind of h who hardly compliments. Every time I read about men saying they constantly tell their w how beautiful, sexy, blah blah blah she is, I'm like "oh does that happen in real life...."


I would humbly submit that you are blaming your husband for your feelings which originate from outside your marriage, most likely from your family of origin


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

This is a very interesting subject as we all bring into the marriage how we were brought up by our parents.

My parents ran our house like the military. Eight kids required we all pitched in and had chores to do, so I was trained to keep my ship clean and organized.

My wifes parents did it all. MIL cooked, cleaned, laundry, dishes, etc. My wife had no responsibilities as a kid except for play. She brought that into the marriage.

I am not an over the top neat freak, but understand everthing has its place eventually. Meaning, it may not have a home yet but it should within a reasonable amount of days and rooms need to be cleaned at a minimum once every few months.

I have seen her leave about 8 pairs of shoes around the living room floor. One pair, which I pointed out had been in the same spot for months. I refused to move it after pointing it out and it sat there for about another 6 months. I gave in and moved it.

She might wash a floor or window maybe once a year if that. I try to clean them at least once a quarter. 

I would bet she would paint me as a neat freak. I think she is a slob. But I love her, so I have learned to live with it. I don;t point out the little things, I just take care of it.

She asked me recently to pick up some dirt and food for our plants. I did the same day and placed it on the floor near the plants. It sat there for 2 months. Finally in a light hearted way said you need to deal with this by next weekend, or I am moving it to the garage. She did it on Sunday, and I helped.

I think it is all about adult behavior and compromise.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

missmolly said:


> Sounds a bit like my father, and when he went and cleaned or dusted something it WAS meant as criticism. It was just his special non-verbal way of getting his message across.
> My mother would add to the atmosphere by hurriedly cleaning up before he got home whilst loudly and angrily declaring that she WOULD NOT clean up just to please him. Did my head in as a kid.


Family of origin! We all bring it with us.


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## michelle38 (Jul 11, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> I would humbly submit that you are blaming your husband for your feelings which originate from outside your marriage, most likely from your family of origin


That's intersting, but it kind of goes like this. 

Like the post below from this-is-me, I was the only kid in my house and hardly had to do anything. It's definitely true I was not taught many good housekeeping skills. 

This, compounded with my innate tendency to please others (i think many only child have that tendency), created this wife I became who was constantly thinking "i'm not good enough yet, i will become better". 

So, i do not quite agree the feelings originate from family of origin, but you can definitely argue it has to do with the picture. But i think pop psych these days places too much emphasis on this FOO business.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You are wrong. It has everything to do with what you do.

Read Emotional Alchemy next.


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## michelle38 (Jul 11, 2012)

turnera said:


> You are wrong. It has everything to do with what you do.


I respectfully beg to differ. Although my doctorate in not in psychology, I think I have heard enough about this FOO. Too many people are using the idea and not rising above it. Of course it has SOMETHING to do with what we do, but not everything. There are many inspiring stories that state at least the obvious--somewhere down our life path, we will not look back and say we are the way we are because of FOO.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Rising above your FOO has nothing to do with whether your FOO affects you. The former is a testament to your willpower. The latter is not up to you.


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## michelle38 (Jul 11, 2012)

Well, he IS home. Although I was regressing into my old pattern and cleaned HALF of the kitchen floor (the dirty half :rofl, I shrugged and said people only do the best they can. I picked h up from airport and son called to ask when we would be home because HE is making dinner. wow. 

so we had this delicious, incoherent dinner of sushi, cream pea soup, potato salad, and tacos. Considering it's a high school boy that made these, I certainly made sure h paid attention to efforts, not how the kitchen floor now was a little messy. Fortunately, it is now 2 of us that work on h. All we ask is if he pays some attention to the positives, not just the tidiness. 

So far, so good. I am hitching a ride from my son...honestly, h cares a lot more about his feelings than old mom's, but that's ok with me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You could be talking about my marriage. After 30 years, and 21 years of raising a daughter, I now realize that I've turned DD21 into a duplicate of me - worried about ticking off husband/father, instead of learning healthy reactions to his behavior. Her FOO really did turn her into her mother.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

michelle38 said:


> So, i do not quite agree the feelings originate from family of origin, but you can definitely argue it has to do with the picture. But i think pop psych these days places too much emphasis on this FOO business.


Any time we blame our spouse for our feelings we are on slippery ground. Our feelings are based on a complex calculus of right and wrong as it applies to our internal self image. This all develops over a long period of time, mostly earlier in life. Our spouses are usually guilty of activating these feelings which we were already vulnerable to rather than causing them, some of which had been put away for a long time.


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