# Just Another WW Casualty



## NewMan19

Hello,
With my WW 17 years (married 5) and have been on the ILYBNILWY/"Need space" roller coaster for the last six months. I've been lurking for a while and like all the different viewpoints I see offered. I will be posting my story soon.

Thanks!


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## farsidejunky

Three words:

Let her go.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## sunsetmist

Sorry for your situation. Glad you came here.


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## StillSearching

farsidejunky said:


> Three words:
> 
> Let her go.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


3 more words....
Listen to farsidejunky!
You must file on a WW to get anywhere!


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## NewMan19

The plan is to finish the paperwork with my attorney this Thursday and file. She is moving out over the weekend. Unfortunately we have 2 small children involved.


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## farsidejunky

NewMan19 said:


> The plan is to finish the paperwork with my attorney this Thursday and file. She is moving out over the weekend. Unfortunately we have 2 small children involved.


Unfortunate collateral damage from selfish choices. 

Be the best father you can to them.

If you want to type out your story on this thread, I will move it to the CWI section for you.

This way you can keep it all in one thread. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Marc878

You need to establish a no contact policy. Just because you have young kids doesn't mean you have to keep yourself in this.

Only communicate by text/email kids, business only. This should include her family too.

Keep everything separate holidays, birthdays , etc. block all forms of social media, Facebook, etc.

Pick ups/drop offs should be a 3 minute exercise with zero engagement.

No contact only works (it does work) if you fully apply it. If you want to move on if not you will linger in this mess.

It maybe awkward upfront but will normalize and your kids will adjust. Like most you'll get the "lets be friends", do it for the kids thing. This will be for her not you.


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## NewMan19

Sorry, I already posted as a new thread in Considering Divorce or Separation


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## farsidejunky

NewMan19 said:


> Sorry, I already posted as a new thread in Considering Divorce or Separation


No worries.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## just got it 55

Clear and Present Detachment

55


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## Lostinthought61

NewMan19 said:


> The plan is to finish the paperwork with my attorney this Thursday and file. She is moving out over the weekend. Unfortunately we have 2 small children involved.


demonstrating her selfishness....seeking pleasure over the pain of the family. sorry you find yourself here


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## NewMan19

Hello,
I just want to share my story and consider and advice that may find its way to me. My wife and I have been together for 17 years though we have only been married for 5. We have two young children together (son 7, daughter 4) and generally had a fun caring relationship. As you can tell by the length of time it took us to actually get married we were in no rush to get married. Both of us were building our careers and enjoying each other throughout these years and talked on and off about marriage but we both wanted to be at a certain professional level prior to beginning a family(money, job security, ect, ect,). 

In late 2016 my wife was diagnosed and treated for cancer. While the treatment was successful she had very much pushed me to the side for support and relied heavily on her mom. Following the treatment we went to counseling (at her request, yes I took it seriously) as she had just been through a major scare and survived. Looking back this is when the "We" that existed ended. Following a few IC sessions and couples sessions we seemed to be somewhat back on track. The problem is it was all a lie. (yes she lied to the counselor about why we were there)

She began being extremely irresponsible. At least two times a week she would call me five minutes before the kids were to be picked up from daycare and tell me to do it so she could do a happy hour or something the like. She quit buying groceries (one of her responsibilities, I still pay for everything else) so I would be left scrambling to get the kids and figure out dinner while she was out. I only just now found out she was hanging with financial investor friends and putting money into random funds without even discussing. Everything I did was now wrong, it didn't matter what it was, I was made a bad guy especially if I questioned her activities. So 2017 was a tough year and while I am outlining her less than stellar behavior I have my share of faults as well which did no good toward rectifying our issues. I am stubborn and speak my mind/truths from a position of fact vs. accounting for feelings and sometimes when not asked. (This makes for a bad argument btw) Little things became big and the big things now started taking over.

Since this is getting a bit long I will try to shorten the rest. I can always answer questions if needed. 

2018 began (mid Jan) with her going to another "happy hour" with a new friend, she will be home by 7PM and bring dinner. 7PM comes, 7:30 I text and call her... no response. 8PM I feed the kids with a thrown together dinner and get them ready for bed. 9PM no answer call/text so I do "find friends" on iPhone.... Removed!!!!! I can no longer see where she is. She comes home at 11:30PM telling me how much she loves me yada yada throws herself on me, we have sex and then proceeds to tell me her happy hour was moved to this man's house and she actually went. She then tells me how he (the man) told her how bad he wanted to **** her and how connected he feels to her. WTF!!! She held firm nothing happened so because she was forthcoming I trusted her and we moved past this.

Fast forward to April, wife has now been dressing nicer for work, buying new clothes and make-up ect ect. I am standing in my kitchen one day making morning coffee and my wife's phone is sitting there. A text comes in "Good morning darling!" Me... WTF!!!! open the phone and investigate only to find a total emotional affair with this guy from her work. (different guy than above) I confronted her and got the expected "we are just friends", "He's like a brother to me". We talked through some it and I sternly let her know this is a problem and she needs to shut it down. BTW I now this guy and it has been mentioned that we thought he had a work crush on her. He is also married.

Skipping yet again, summer, wife takes a trip to Vegas for a her sisters bachelorette party and after a weekend of promoters hooking them up with guys for battle service at the clubs, she comes back with the worst attitude like she got some attention she had not in some time. I am now doormat, we began arguing more over dumb stuff and the arguments were getting worse in both directions and happening in front of the kids at times. This continues then finally in mid October hit me with "ILYBNILWY", "I need space to get clarity". Being totally crushed I proceeded to do every "Don't do" activity in a scramble to fix my marriage. I need to mention my wife's aggressive behavior consumed her work relationships as well to the point where her entire office wanted her out, she had become impossible to deal with on every front and they finally removed her from the office (she works from home now on a different team).

December, lied about having lunch with EA guy and I caught her, got the usual BS "I knew you would be upset so I didn't tell you type responses yet she is now erasing all text message from him and has been since the April incident. Jan, Feb. more of the same but she needs to move out to get her clarity, it can't happen in the house (she has been sleeping in the basement) FWIW we are still having sex a lot and she never says "no" anymore. Not sure what that's about. 

Wife is moving out this weekend in search of her clarity which must happen before she could even think about working on our relationship. Uh No! I have already contacted an attorney and I am filing for divorce. It is not easy as I don't want to be over but I believe needs to happen. Apologies for the long post, having ready so many of the exact same stories here on TAM I felt the need to share. 

Thanks!


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## 3Xnocharm

NewMan19 said:


> Wife is moving out this weekend in search of her clarity which must happen before she could even think about working on our relationship. Uh No! I have already contacted an attorney and I am filing for divorce. It is not easy as I don't want to be over but I believe needs to happen. Apologies for the long post, having ready so many of the exact same stories here on TAM I felt the need to share.
> 
> Thanks!


Good, I am very glad to see you are not doing the pick-me dance, and that you are taking a strong stance now. My question though, all those other times you caught her, WHY did you just sweep it under the rug the way you did? 

Sounds like her cancer changed her, like she decided she had been missing out on something by being in LTR/married. I am sorry you are going through this. You are doing the right thing.


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## sokillme

Your wife is about to crash and burn. It happens. It's sad when stable young adults become burned out *******s but it seems to happen a lot. Protect your kids.


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## just got it 55

NewMan19 said:


> Hello,
> I just want to share my story and consider and advice that may find its way to me. My wife and I have been together for 17 years though we have only been married for 5. We have two young children together (son 7, daughter 4) and generally had a fun caring relationship. As you can tell by the length of time it took us to actually get married we were in no rush to get married. Both of us were building our careers and enjoying each other throughout these years and talked on and off about marriage but we both wanted to be at a certain professional level prior to beginning a family(money, job security, ect, ect,).
> 
> In late 2016 my wife was diagnosed and treated for cancer. While the treatment was successful she had very much pushed me to the side for support and relied heavily on her mom. Following the treatment we went to counseling (at her request, yes I took it seriously) as she had just been through a major scare and survived. Looking back this is when the "We" that existed ended. Following a few IC sessions and couples sessions we seemed to be somewhat back on track. The problem is it was all a lie. (yes she lied to the counselor about why we were there)
> 
> She began being extremely irresponsible. At least two times a week she would call me five minutes before the kids were to be picked up from daycare and tell me to do it so she could do a happy hour or something the like. She quit buying groceries (one of her responsibilities, I still pay for everything else) so I would be left scrambling to get the kids and figure out dinner while she was out. I only just now found out she was hanging with financial investor friends and putting money into random funds without even discussing. Everything I did was now wrong, it didn't matter what it was, I was made a bad guy especially if I questioned her activities. So 2017 was a tough year and while I am outlining her less than stellar behavior I have my share of faults as well which did no good toward rectifying our issues. I am stubborn and speak my mind/truths from a position of fact vs. accounting for feelings and sometimes when not asked. (This makes for a bad argument btw) Little things became big and the big things now started taking over.
> 
> Since this is getting a bit long I will try to shorten the rest. I can always answer questions if needed.
> 
> 2018 began (mid Jan) with her going to another "happy hour" with a new friend, she will be home by 7PM and bring dinner. 7PM comes, 7:30 I text and call her... no response. 8PM I feed the kids with a thrown together dinner and get them ready for bed. 9PM no answer call/text so I do "find friends" on iPhone.... Removed!!!!! I can no longer see where she is. She comes home at 11:30PM telling me how much she loves me yada yada throws herself on me, we have sex and then proceeds to tell me her happy hour was moved to this man's house and she actually went. She then tells me how he (the man) told her how bad he wanted to f**K her and how connected he feels to her. WTF!!! She held firm nothing happened so because she was forthcoming I trusted her and we moved past this.
> 
> Fast forward to April, wife has now been dressing nicer for work, buying new clothes and make-up ect ect. I am standing in my kitchen one day making morning coffee and my wife's phone is sitting there. A text comes in "Good morning darling!" Me... WTF!!!! open the phone and investigate only to find a total emotional affair with this guy from her work. (different guy than above) I confronted her and got the expected "we are just friends", "He's like a brother to me". We talked through some it and I sternly let her know this is a problem and she needs to shut it down. BTW I now this guy and it has been mentioned that we thought he had a work crush on her. He is also married.
> 
> Skipping yet again, summer, wife takes a trip to Vegas for a her sisters bachelorette party and after a weekend of promoters hooking them up with guys for battle service at the clubs, she comes back with the worst attitude like she got some attention she had not in some time. I am now doormat, we began arguing more over dumb stuff and the arguments were getting worse in both directions and happening in front of the kids at times. This continues then finally in mid October hit me with "ILYBNILWY", "I need space to get clarity". Being totally crushed I proceeded to do every "Don't do" activity in a scramble to fix my marriage. I need to mention my wife's aggressive behavior consumed her work relationships as well to the point where her entire office wanted her out, she had become impossible to deal with on every front and they finally removed her from the office (she works from home now on a different team).
> 
> December, lied about having lunch with EA guy and I caught her, got the usual BS "I knew you would be upset so I didn't tell you type responses yet she is now erasing all text message from him and has been since the April incident. Jan, Feb. more of the same but she needs to move out to get her clarity, it can't happen in the house (she has been sleeping in the basement) FWIW we are still having sex a lot and she never says "no" anymore. Not sure what that's about.
> 
> Wife is moving out this weekend in search of her clarity which must happen before she could even think about working on our relationship. Uh No! I have already contacted an attorney and I am filing for divorce. It is not easy as I don't want to be over but I believe needs to happen. Apologies for the long post, having ready so many of the exact same stories here on TAM I felt the need to share.
> 
> Thanks!


Okay Bud You caught on fast to the Pick Me Dance Mistake Thats a great start

Now simply put Give her what she wants Let her Go and exibit an I don't give a **** tude in a hard clear way.

Get ready to file see a lawyer and know your rights

Seperate your finances NOW

Just be a great dad

55


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## NewMan19

3Xnocharm said:


> Good, I am very glad to see you are not doing the pick-me dance, and that you are taking a strong stance now. My question though, all those other times you caught her, WHY did you just sweep it under the rug the way you did?
> 
> Sounds like her cancer changed her, like she decided she had been missing out on something by being in LTR/married. I am sorry you are going through this. You are doing the right thing.



Yes, she did come from the cancer as a different person in many ways, lots of self help books, suddenly the social butterfly. Not to mention she gained an "in your face" type of attitude.

Sitting here today I can honestly say I don't know, these incidents were never swept away, in fact I have always struggled with them but also had a level of trust in my wife which allowed me to work forward. I realized once I caught her lying about EA guy her lines were BS. I played the typical sucker in the hopes of having a good wife. Also there are so many incidents this last year I just highlighted a couple milestones. A year goes fast when your in the s**t.


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## Marc878

NewMan19 said:


> She began being extremely irresponsible. At least two times a week she would call me five minutes before the kids were to be picked up from daycare and tell me to do it so she could do a happy hour or something the like. She quit buying groceries (one of her responsibilities, I still pay for everything else) so I would be left scrambling to get the kids and figure out dinner while she was out. I only just now found out she was hanging with financial investor friends and putting money into random funds without even discussing.
> 
> Probably the beginning of affair time.
> 
> Everything I did was now wrong, it didn't matter what it was, I was made a bad guy especially if I questioned her activities. So 2017 was a tough year and while I am outlining her less than stellar behavior I have my share of faults as well which did no good toward rectifying our issues. I am stubborn and speak my mind/truths from a position of fact vs. accounting for feelings and sometimes when not asked. (This makes for a bad argument btw) Little things became big and the big things now started taking over.
> 
> She was rewriting the marital history to justify her affair/actions. You must be the bad guy to justify her actions
> 
> 
> 2018 began (mid Jan) with her going to another "happy hour" with a new friend, she will be home by 7PM and bring dinner. 7PM comes, 7:30 I text and call her... no response. 8PM I feed the kids with a thrown together dinner and get them ready for bed. 9PM no answer call/text so I do "find friends" on iPhone.... Removed!!!!! I can no longer see where she is. She comes home at 11:30PM telling me how much she loves me yada yada throws herself on me, we have sex and then proceeds to tell me her happy hour was moved to this man's house and she actually went. She then tells me how he (the man) told her how bad he wanted to f**K her and how connected he feels to her. WTF!!! She held firm nothing happened so because she was forthcoming I trusted her and we moved past this.
> 
> Ramping up to full affair mode. Cheaters lie, hide and deny a lot.
> 
> Fast forward to April, wife has now been dressing nicer for work, buying new clothes and make-up ect ect. I am standing in my kitchen one day making morning coffee and my wife's phone is sitting there. A text comes in "Good morning darling!" Me... WTF!!!! open the phone and investigate only to find a total emotional affair with this guy from her work. (different guy than above) I confronted her and got the expected "we are just friends", "He's like a brother to me". We talked through some it and I sternly let her know this is a problem and she needs to shut it down. BTW I now this guy and it has been mentioned that we thought he had a work crush on her. He is also married.
> 
> Just more lies. You should inform the other mans wife.
> 
> Skipping yet again, summer, wife takes a trip to Vegas for a her sisters bachelorette party and after a weekend of promoters hooking them up with guys for battle service at the clubs, she comes back with the worst attitude like she got some attention she had not in some time. I am now doormat, we began arguing more over dumb stuff and the arguments were getting worse in both directions and happening in front of the kids at times. This continues then finally in mid October hit me with "ILYBNILWY", "I need space to get clarity". Being totally crushed I proceeded to do every "Don't do" activity in a scramble to fix my marriage. I need to mention my wife's aggressive behavior consumed her work relationships as well to the point where her entire office wanted her out, she had become impossible to deal with on every front and they finally removed her from the office (she works from home now on a different team).
> 
> Separation as you well know is to get you out of the way to spend more time with her affair partner
> 
> December, lied about having lunch with EA guy and I caught her, got the usual BS "I knew you would be upset so I didn't tell you type responses yet she is now erasing all text message from him and has been since the April incident. Jan, Feb. more of the same but she needs to move out to get her clarity, it can't happen in the house (she has been sleeping in the basement) FWIW we are still having sex a lot and she never says "no" anymore. Not sure what that's about.
> 
> Wife is moving out this weekend in search of her clarity which must happen before she could even think about working on our relationship. Uh No! I have already contacted an attorney and I am filing for divorce. It is not easy as I don't want to be over but I believe needs to happen. Apologies for the long post, having ready so many of the exact same stories here on TAM I felt the need to share.
> 
> Shes excited to finally spend 100% of her time and focus on her boyfruend now that you're conveniently out of the way. Shes expecting you to continue in your doormat status.
> 
> Thanks!


Your wife is a very typical cheater. Dime a dozen. You've been through the "pick me dance" and trying to "nice her back" phase. As you've found all that does is lower your status.

Upfront like most you just want her back. *This is a sexual affair not just an emotional affair like you want to believe.* You'd better put some thought into what you'd be getting back. Long term youd probably regret it. Infidelity never goes away. she served you a big ole **** sandwich. Whether you eat it or not is up to you.

You still seem to have some reservation about D. Dont, under the circunstances its your best path. The only one that can keep you in infidelity limbo is you.


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## Marc878

IMO i would just have her served without warning. Then get into a hard no contact.

You can waste a significant amount of time/life in these situations that you can't get back.

If you let yourself get played. That is totally under your control. No one else's.


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## StillSearching

3Xnocharm said:


> Sounds like her cancer changed her, like she decided she had been missing out on something by being in LTR/married. I am sorry you are going through this.


Cancer didn't change her. She had no virtue or moral compass before it started.
Cancer just opened the door wider.
Yup...He's doing the right thing.


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## Decorum

Once you get off the rollercoaster, stay off!


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## GusPolinski

Get off the rollercoaster, dude.


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## GusPolinski

@NewMan19, does your wife know that you’re filing?


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## NewMan19

GusPolinski said:


> @NewMan19, does your wife know that you’re filing?


Yes, I would assume so. Now if she believes I will do it is anyone's guess. We have worked through most of the split following my initial consult with the attorney. She does not know I actually retained the attorney and completing filing this week.


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## NewMan19

Side note: She sent this to me today explaining this is exactly how she feels and why she needs to leave to find the clarity.

youtube.com/watch?v=opaFc3PTH1U


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## just got it 55

NewMan19 said:


> Side note: She sent this to me today explaining this is exactly how she feels and why she needs to leave to find the clarity.
> 
> youtube.com/watch?v=opaFc3PTH1U


Loved the dramatic background music

I am sure that helped her make this BRAVE decision:crying:

One of those you go girl moments I guess

55


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## oldshirt

NewMan19 said:


> Side note: She sent this to me today explaining this is exactly how she feels and why she needs to leave to find the clarity.
> 
> youtube.com/watch?v=opaFc3PTH1U


If that video makes sense to her, then she is just 'out there' and there isn't really anything you can do to bring her back to her senses. 

Let her go find her happiness, just don't let her do it on your dime or on you time. Cut her off. Take away her gravy train and let her pursue her 'Eat Pray Love' fantasy on her own time and dime. 

Meanwhile, take good care of yourself and move on with your own life and well being. 

Just be ware that when things don't work out with this new guy(s) that she is dreaming about, she will turn back up on your doorstep like a stray cat looking for a meal.


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## GusPolinski

NewMan19 said:


> Side note: She sent this to me today explaining this is exactly how she feels and why she needs to leave to find the clarity.
> 
> youtube.com/watch?v=opaFc3PTH1U


“Do whatever you need to do. I will do the same. And I’ve already got all the clarity I need.”


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## notmyjamie

I'm sorry you need to be here but glad you found this place. Lots of very helpful people here. You didn't say what kind of cancer your wife had? Did she have brain radiation? That can cause some serious personality changes. 

That video was painful to watch. Let her go find that clarity. In the meantime, get your life together, be a good Dad, support your kids, support yourself. There are plenty of good women out there looking for a guy that wants a nice, stable, fun relationship. When you're ready, go find one of them to share your life with!!


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## NewMan19

notmyjamie said:


> I'm sorry you need to be here but glad you found this place. Lots of very helpful people here. You didn't say what kind of cancer your wife had? Did she have brain radiation? That can cause some serious personality changes.
> 
> That video was painful to watch. Let her go find that clarity. In the meantime, get your life together, be a good Dad, support your kids, support yourself. There are plenty of good women out there looking for a guy that wants a nice, stable, fun relationship. When you're ready, go find one of them to share your life with!!



It was Thyroid cancer. I feel this is indeed a large part of the personality change as her Thyroid was removed and she must take hormone medication. On the flipside she refuses to entertain that as something causing issues so nothing I can do about it.


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## notmyjamie

NewMan19 said:


> It was Thyroid cancer. I feel this is indeed a large part of the personality change as her Thyroid was removed and she must take hormone medication. On the flipside she refuses to entertain that as something causing issues so nothing I can do about it.


Unfortunately, if she won't do anything neither can you. Maybe someday she'll realize what she's given up. Does she plan to leave the kids with you? I can't imagine ever leaving my children behind but if she's got an imbalance somewhere she's really just not herself. My mother was never the same after brain radiation. It's so sad.


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## NewMan19

notmyjamie said:


> Unfortunately, if she won't do anything neither can you. Maybe someday she'll realize what she's given up. Does she plan to leave the kids with you? I can't imagine ever leaving my children behind but if she's got an imbalance somewhere she's really just not herself. My mother was never the same after brain radiation. It's so sad.


She is a good mom and we have already agreed to 50/50 coparenting. Sorry about your mom!


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## NewMan19

notmyjamie said:


> Unfortunately, if she won't do anything neither can you. Maybe someday she'll realize what she's given up. Does she plan to leave the kids with you? I can't imagine ever leaving my children behind but if she's got an imbalance somewhere she's really just not herself. My mother was never the same after brain radiation. It's so sad.


Disregard, duplicate


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## notmyjamie

NewMan19 said:


> She is a good mom and we have already agreed to 50/50 coparenting. Sorry about your mom!


I'm glad to hear that. Try to keep things as amicable as possible for the kids sake. It really does make all the difference for them.


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## jlg07

Please protect your finances. I HOPE that you have copies of those texts. Also, you should contact that guys wife and let her know he's cheating on her and what a POS she is married to.
Very sorry you are hear and going through this, but stick to your plan, NO contact if not about the kids or divorce, and make sure your family/friends know that she cheated on you -- she will try to make this all your fault.


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## sokillme

Things in life end, time for this relationship to. If she is upset tell her you also need to find yourself, with someone who doesn't treat you like crap.


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## TJW

jlg07 said:


> Please protect your finances.


Agree wholeheartedly. Today. And lose her like a used Kleenex. Keep her as far away from your kids as the courts will allow.


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## aine

NewMan19 said:


> Side note: She sent this to me today explaining this is exactly how she feels and why she needs to leave to find the clarity.
> 
> youtube.com/watch?v=opaFc3PTH1U


Gosh, no-one ever said marriage was easy, I could cheerfully kill my husband many times in the marriage, and I am sure he could do the same. We have gone through so much. Marriage is not all rainbows and butterflies it is bloody hard work and many marriages would collapse if both parties fall out of love at the same time or if the partners do not commit, it is about commitment and selflessness not self fulfillment.
Your wife may have had a near death experience with the cancer but to throw away those she supposedly loves really shows her character!

I can understand where she is coming from but in your case there are also 2 small kids to consider.
My parents did what she is doing, my father cheated, my mother wasn't strong, they dumped us on the relatives and divorced. Children are not disposable, this says a lot about your WW's character. 
Divorce her (she will regret it) and get a woman who respects you and loves you and is there in thick and thin. Be a great dad to your kids, they will need a stable person here on out.


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## arbitrator

NewMan19 said:


> *Hello,
> I just want to share my story and consider and advice that may find its way to me. My wife and I have been together for 17 years though we have only been married for 5. We have two young children together (son 7, daughter 4) and generally had a fun caring relationship. As you can tell by the length of time it took us to actually get married we were in no rush to get married. Both of us were building our careers and enjoying each other throughout these years and talked on and off about marriage but we both wanted to be at a certain professional level prior to beginning a family(money, job security, ect, ect,).
> 
> In late 2016 my wife was diagnosed and treated for cancer. While the treatment was successful she had very much pushed me to the side for support and relied heavily on her mom. Following the treatment we went to counseling (at her request, yes I took it seriously) as she had just been through a major scare and survived. Looking back this is when the "We" that existed ended. Following a few IC sessions and couples sessions we seemed to be somewhat back on track. The problem is it was all a lie. (yes she lied to the counselor about why we were there)
> 
> She began being extremely irresponsible. At least two times a week she would call me five minutes before the kids were to be picked up from daycare and tell me to do it so she could do a happy hour or something the like. She quit buying groceries (one of her responsibilities, I still pay for everything else) so I would be left scrambling to get the kids and figure out dinner while she was out. I only just now found out she was hanging with financial investor friends and putting money into random funds without even discussing. Everything I did was now wrong, it didn't matter what it was, I was made a bad guy especially if I questioned her activities. So 2017 was a tough year and while I am outlining her less than stellar behavior I have my share of faults as well which did no good toward rectifying our issues. I am stubborn and speak my mind/truths from a position of fact vs. accounting for feelings and sometimes when not asked. (This makes for a bad argument btw) Little things became big and the big things now started taking over.
> 
> Since this is getting a bit long I will try to shorten the rest. I can always answer questions if needed.
> 
> 2018 began (mid Jan) with her going to another "happy hour" with a new friend, she will be home by 7PM and bring dinner. 7PM comes, 7:30 I text and call her... no response. 8PM I feed the kids with a thrown together dinner and get them ready for bed. 9PM no answer call/text so I do "find friends" on iPhone.... Removed!!!!! I can no longer see where she is. She comes home at 11:30PM telling me how much she loves me yada yada throws herself on me, we have sex and then proceeds to tell me her happy hour was moved to this man's house and she actually went. She then tells me how he (the man) told her how bad he wanted to f**K her and how connected he feels to her. WTF!!! She held firm nothing happened so because she was forthcoming I trusted her and we moved past this.
> 
> Fast forward to April, wife has now been dressing nicer for work, buying new clothes and make-up ect ect. I am standing in my kitchen one day making morning coffee and my wife's phone is sitting there. A text comes in "Good morning darling!" Me... WTF!!!! open the phone and investigate only to find a total emotional affair with this guy from her work. (different guy than above) I confronted her and got the expected "we are just friends", "He's like a brother to me". We talked through some it and I sternly let her know this is a problem and she needs to shut it down. BTW I now this guy and it has been mentioned that we thought he had a work crush on her. He is also married.
> 
> Skipping yet again, summer, wife takes a trip to Vegas for a her sisters bachelorette party and after a weekend of promoters hooking them up with guys for battle service at the clubs, she comes back with the worst attitude like she got some attention she had not in some time. I am now doormat, we began arguing more over dumb stuff and the arguments were getting worse in both directions and happening in front of the kids at times. This continues then finally in mid October hit me with "ILYBNILWY", "I need space to get clarity". Being totally crushed I proceeded to do every "Don't do" activity in a scramble to fix my marriage. I need to mention my wife's aggressive behavior consumed her work relationships as well to the point where her entire office wanted her out, she had become impossible to deal with on every front and they finally removed her from the office (she works from home now on a different team).
> 
> December, lied about having lunch with EA guy and I caught her, got the usual BS "I knew you would be upset so I didn't tell you type responses yet she is now erasing all text message from him and has been since the April incident. Jan, Feb. more of the same but she needs to move out to get her clarity, it can't happen in the house (she has been sleeping in the basement) FWIW we are still having sex a lot and she never says "no" anymore. Not sure what that's about.
> 
> Wife is moving out this weekend in search of her clarity which must happen before she could even think about working on our relationship. Uh No! I have already contacted an attorney and I am filing for divorce. It is not easy as I don't want to be over but I believe needs to happen. Apologies for the long post, having ready so many of the exact same stories here on TAM I felt the need to share.
> 
> Thanks!*


*Hope that you're filing for primary custody and conservatorship of the kids also! She has more than demonstrated that she doesn't care a damned thing about them either! Have them home with you and her pay you child support!

Also, please get your butt immediately checked out by an MD for the presence of STD's, likely her parting gift to you!

Prayers flowing your way, my friend!*


----------



## jlg07

Also, please start DOCUMENTING all the times she has blown off the kids and you have had to pick them up, take them to school/sport events, etc., especially when she DIDN'T show up. Start documenting when she would go out and blow off you and the kids to go out for happy hours. May help with custody issues. CONTINUE to document now that she will move out when YOU had to cover for her activities.


----------



## Yeswecan

NewMan19 said:


> Yes, I would assume so. Now if she believes I will do it is anyone's guess. We have worked through most of the split following my initial consult with the attorney. She does not know I actually retained the attorney and completing filing this week.


Keep it that way. That one singular piece of paper served unannounced will change your W reality of the situation.


----------



## Yeswecan

NewMan19 said:


> Side note: She sent this to me today explaining this is exactly how she feels and why she needs to leave to find the clarity.
> 
> youtube.com/watch?v=opaFc3PTH1U


Best she has is a youtube video? Sheesh.....


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

NewMan19 said:


> FWIW we are still having sex a lot and she never says "no" anymore. Not sure what that's about.
> 
> Wife is moving out this weekend in search of her clarity which must happen before she could even think about working on our relationship. Uh No! I have already contacted an attorney and I am filing for divorce. It is not easy as I don't want to be over but I believe needs to happen. Apologies for the long post, having ready so many of the exact same stories here on TAM I felt the need to share.


I suggest you get a full STD screening. It would be insanely naive of you to actually believe this woman hasn't been in a NUMBER of different beds in the last several years.

LOL. She needs 'clarity,' does she? Let me *translate* that for you. She needs time on her own without YOU breathing down her back so she can see where her little romance with her latest boyfriend is going.



> She is a good mom...


You mean she's a 'good mom' when she's not out bed-hopping and leaving you to scramble for their care at the 11th hour because she coudln't be BOTHERED to call you until 5 minutes before they needed to be picked up? Or she's a 'good mom' because she's done nothing but LIE to you and LIE to them for the last couple of years while playing Russian Roulette with their family security by constantly risking your marriage - which she finally succeeded in doing? If I were her, I wouldn't be dusting off the mantle anytime soon expecting the Mother of the Year prize patrol to knock on her door.

You don't realize yet what a gift you've given yourself, removing this toxic liar from your life. Maybe not now, but one day you *will*, that's a promise.


----------



## sa58

NewMan19 said:


> Hello,
> I just want to share my story and consider and advice that may find its way to me. My wife and I have been together for 17 years though we have only been married for 5. We have two young children together (son 7, daughter 4) and generally had a fun caring relationship. As you can tell by the length of time it took us to actually get married we were in no rush to get married. Both of us were building our careers and enjoying each other throughout these years and talked on and off about marriage but we both wanted to be at a certain professional level prior to beginning a family(money, job security, ect, ect,).
> 
> In late 2016 my wife was diagnosed and treated for cancer. While the treatment was successful she had very much pushed me to the side for support and relied heavily on her mom. Following the treatment we went to counseling (at her request, yes I took it seriously) as she had just been through a major scare and survived. Looking back this is when the "We" that existed ended. Following a few IC sessions and couples sessions we seemed to be somewhat back on track. The problem is it was all a lie. (yes she lied to the counselor about why we were there)
> 
> She began being extremely irresponsible. At least two times a week she would call me five minutes before the kids were to be picked up from daycare and tell me to do it so she could do a happy hour or something the like. She quit buying groceries (one of her responsibilities, I still pay for everything else) so I would be left scrambling to get the kids and figure out dinner while she was out. I only just now found out she was hanging with financial investor friends and putting money into random funds without even discussing. Everything I did was now wrong, it didn't matter what it was, I was made a bad guy especially if I questioned her activities. So 2017 was a tough year and while I am outlining her less than stellar behavior I have my share of faults as well which did no good toward rectifying our issues. I am stubborn and speak my mind/truths from a position of fact vs. accounting for feelings and sometimes when not asked. (This makes for a bad argument btw) Little things became big and the big things now started taking over.
> 
> Since this is getting a bit long I will try to shorten the rest. I can always answer questions if needed.
> 
> 2018 began (mid Jan) with her going to another "happy hour" with a new friend, she will be home by 7PM and bring dinner. 7PM comes, 7:30 I text and call her... no response. 8PM I feed the kids with a thrown together dinner and get them ready for bed. 9PM no answer call/text so I do "find friends" on iPhone.... Removed!!!!! I can no longer see where she is. She comes home at 11:30PM telling me how much she loves me yada yada throws herself on me, we have sex and then proceeds to tell me her happy hour was moved to this man's house and she actually went. She then tells me how he (the man) told her how bad he wanted to f**K her and how connected he feels to her. WTF!!! She held firm nothing happened so because she was forthcoming I trusted her and we moved past this.
> 
> Fast forward to April, wife has now been dressing nicer for work, buying new clothes and make-up ect ect. I am standing in my kitchen one day making morning coffee and my wife's phone is sitting there. A text comes in "Good morning darling!" Me... WTF!!!! open the phone and investigate only to find a total emotional affair with this guy from her work. (different guy than above) I confronted her and got the expected "we are just friends", "He's like a brother to me". We talked through some it and I sternly let her know this is a problem and she needs to shut it down. BTW I now this guy and it has been mentioned that we thought he had a work crush on her. He is also married.
> 
> Skipping yet again, summer, wife takes a trip to Vegas for a her sisters bachelorette party and after a weekend of promoters hooking them up with guys for battle service at the clubs, she comes back with the worst attitude like she got some attention she had not in some time. I am now doormat, we began arguing more over dumb stuff and the arguments were getting worse in both directions and happening in front of the kids at times. This continues then finally in mid October hit me with "ILYBNILWY", "I need space to get clarity". Being totally crushed I proceeded to do every "Don't do" activity in a scramble to fix my marriage. I need to mention my wife's aggressive behavior consumed her work relationships as well to the point where her entire office wanted her out, she had become impossible to deal with on every front and they finally removed her from the office (she works from home now on a different team).
> 
> December, lied about having lunch with EA guy and I caught her, got the usual BS "I knew you would be upset so I didn't tell you type responses yet she is now erasing all text message from him and has been since the April incident. Jan, Feb. more of the same but she needs to move out to get her clarity, it can't happen in the house (she has been sleeping in the basement) FWIW we are still having sex a lot and she never says "no" anymore. Not sure what that's about.
> 
> Wife is moving out this weekend in search of her clarity which must happen before she could even think about working on our relationship. Uh No! I have already contacted an attorney and I am filing for divorce. It is not easy as I don't want to be over but I believe needs to happen. Apologies for the long post, having ready so many of the exact same stories here on TAM I felt the need to share.
> 
> Thanks!


Sorry you are going through this

Reading this I am trying to figure out what you are losing.
In my viewpoint nothing but gaining by getting her out of 
your life, except for the kids. Glad you are filing and go through 
with it, even if she thinks you will not. I understand about the 
custody of the kids, they need both parents in their lives. In 
my viewpoint however I think you will have to be there more 
than she will be. If she is in such a hurry to get out maybe she 
will sign anything. Let her,and protect yourself and your kids first.

Right now she feels like she is having a great time, she is not.
Happy hours,trip to Vegas, married coworkers, and it is even
causing her problems at work. Her kids are seeing it and the one
thing in her life that she could rely on YOU !! she is throwing 
away. When the party life is over and she crashes none of the
other people will be around. She will try and come crawling back to you.
This seems to always happen, don't be there !! Let her go and 
find yourself a better life without her. 

Your not the bad guy here. You just will not tolerate this crap and 
should not have to. She can only blame herself for this and it doesn't
end well for her.

Again sorry you are going through this.


----------



## personofinterest

NewMan19 said:


> Yes, she did come from the cancer as a different person in many ways, lots of self help books, suddenly the social butterfly. Not to mention she gained an "in your face" type of attitude.
> 
> Sitting here today I can honestly say I don't know, these incidents were never swept away, in fact I have always struggled with them but also had a level of trust in my wife which allowed me to work forward. I realized once I caught her lying about EA guy her lines were BS. I played the typical sucker in the hopes of having a good wife. Also there are so many incidents this last year I just highlighted a couple milestones. A year goes fast when your in the s**t.


It's strange. Some people battle cancer or almost die in a crash or whatever, and they just go bananas. It's like a second childhood mixed with a mid-life crisis.

Other people get grounded and learn to appreciate everything and everyone they already have.

Both are a person choice for which the person is accountable.

Cancer made me hone in on what mattered and the people who loved me. The rest became background noise.

It evidently made your wife go bananas. Though we all no cancer doesn't "MAKE" someone do anything.

I'm sorry you are going through this


----------



## personofinterest

NewMan19 said:


> Side note: She sent this to me today explaining this is exactly how she feels and why she needs to leave to find the clarity.
> 
> youtube.com/watch?v=opaFc3PTH1U


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

She might as well have sent you the Eat, Pray, Love DVD


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Seems I am the only one who cant get the video to work?? :scratchhead:


----------



## bandit.45

I'm sorry you are here. It is the worst place to be, but you will get through this. 

I'm glad to see you are moving forwards with divorce. 

Has anyone shared the 180 with you? If not you need to implement it so that you can gain emotional independence and bolster yourself for the traumas to come. It will help you detach from her and keep your sanity and a good portion of your self respect. 
*
The 180 *

1, Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

Print this out, memorize it, live it.


----------



## NewMan19

3Xnocharm said:


> Seems I am the only one who cant get the video to work?? :scratchhead:


It wouldn't let me link it so you need to just copy and paste the below address or search opaFc3PTH1U in youtube. 

youtube.com/watch?v=opaFc3PTH1U


----------



## WasDecimated

OP, I was where you are now about 8 years ago. It wasn't cancer that derailed my XWW, but the death of both of her parents within a year. 

Follow through with the divorce. Take advantage of her lack of mental clarity and get a good settlement. You are doing the right thing for you and your kids. You have been given a lot of great advice here. Do the 180! Get out as fast and as cleanly as possible...emotionally and physically. Focus on your kids and yourself. Don't look back. When you are in Hell, keep going. You will get through this and realize how much better off you are. It may take some time but don't lose heart. She is broken and someone else's problem now. She does not deserve you or what you had. Trust me, it gets better and time will be your best friend.


----------



## MattMatt

NewMan19 said:


> She is a good mom and we have already agreed to 50/50 coparenting. Sorry about your mom!


I am sorry, but from what you have said about her she is, in fact, an absolutely* dreadful* mother!


----------



## syhoybenden

Helloooooo Newman! Sorry. Couldn't help myself.

Try posting your story over on Coping With Infidelity. You'll get a broader range of opinions and insights over there.


----------



## AKA Broken Arrow

That video was awful! If my wife sent that to me I’d pack her things and open the door.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## MattMatt

I have moved your thread to CWI.


----------



## TDSC60

NewMan19 said:


> She is a good mom and we have already agreed to 50/50 coparenting. Sorry about your mom!


Sorry man, but a good Mom does not blow off plans to pick up kids at the last minute in favor of hanging out in bars and does not forget to buy groceries for the home if she is responsible for it. She does not say she will be home by 7:00 for dinner and kid time then stay out partying until 11:30 with no contact.

She is not a good Mom. She is just selfish. Wants to have her fun and does not care who it hurts.


----------



## alte Dame

I, too, don't think she is being a good mom. Good mothers put their children front and center, not themselves.

Your WW is sadly typical of someone who has discovered her mortality and the answer is to treat the people who love her like **** while she basks in the shallow adulation of others. So sorry for this, but this type of reaction to a life-threatening illness isn't unknown.

Please follow the advice to do the 180. This is for your own detachment, but it will also bring her her much desired clarity - it will be clear to her soon enough that she has been blowing up the good things in her life.


----------



## re16

This has already gone to full blown sexual affair without a doubt.

It is quite possible that she is hormonally different on thyroid replacement. If her t3/t4 are running a little hot (lower TSR), she may be more confident and aggressive than before.

Be prepared for her relationship with OM to be out in the open very soon, use this to your advantage, if she is happy in affair fog, you might get better divorce terms. Get through the D quickly.

At some point, maybe right after being served or a little later when she is dumped by OM, she will try to sex her way back into your life. Don't let it happen.

Get to the gym on the regular, focus on your kids, force some social life time to distract you.


----------



## TDSC60

When she cut off her location finding app and stayed out until 11:30 with no contact at another guy's house - yeah it went sexual then if not before.

Time to protect your kids and your assets from her craziness.


----------



## MEM2020

https://blog.prepscholar.com/how-to-improve-reading-comprehension






Chaparral said:


> I think he said the cheater hit someone.


----------



## Steelman

NewMan19 said:


> Hello,
> I just want to share my story and consider and advice that may find its way to me. My wife and I have been together for 17 years though we have only been married for 5. We have two young children together (son 7, daughter 4) and generally had a fun caring relationship. As you can tell by the length of time it took us to actually get married we were in no rush to get married. Both of us were building our careers and enjoying each other throughout these years and talked on and off about marriage but we both wanted to be at a certain professional level prior to beginning a family(money, job security, ect, ect,).
> 
> In late 2016 my wife was diagnosed and treated for cancer. While the treatment was successful she had very much pushed me to the side for support and relied heavily on her mom. Following the treatment we went to counseling (at her request, yes I took it seriously) as she had just been through a major scare and survived. Looking back this is when the "We" that existed ended. Following a few IC sessions and couples sessions we seemed to be somewhat back on track. The problem is it was all a lie. (yes she lied to the counselor about why we were there)
> 
> She began being extremely irresponsible. At least two times a week she would call me five minutes before the kids were to be picked up from daycare and tell me to do it so she could do a happy hour or something the like. She quit buying groceries (one of her responsibilities, I still pay for everything else) so I would be left scrambling to get the kids and figure out dinner while she was out. I only just now found out she was hanging with financial investor friends and putting money into random funds without even discussing. Everything I did was now wrong, it didn't matter what it was, I was made a bad guy especially if I questioned her activities. So 2017 was a tough year and while I am outlining her less than stellar behavior I have my share of faults as well which did no good toward rectifying our issues. I am stubborn and speak my mind/truths from a position of fact vs. accounting for feelings and sometimes when not asked. (This makes for a bad argument btw) Little things became big and the big things now started taking over.
> 
> Since this is getting a bit long I will try to shorten the rest. I can always answer questions if needed.
> 
> 2018 began (mid Jan) with her going to another "happy hour" with a new friend, she will be home by 7PM and bring dinner. 7PM comes, 7:30 I text and call her... no response. 8PM I feed the kids with a thrown together dinner and get them ready for bed. 9PM no answer call/text so I do "find friends" on iPhone.... Removed!!!!! I can no longer see where she is. She comes home at 11:30PM telling me how much she loves me yada yada throws herself on me, we have sex and then proceeds to tell me her happy hour was moved to this man's house and she actually went. She then tells me how he (the man) told her how bad he wanted to **** her and how connected he feels to her. WTF!!! She held firm nothing happened so because she was forthcoming I trusted her and we moved past this.
> 
> Fast forward to April, wife has now been dressing nicer for work, buying new clothes and make-up ect ect. I am standing in my kitchen one day making morning coffee and my wife's phone is sitting there. A text comes in "Good morning darling!" Me... WTF!!!! open the phone and investigate only to find a total emotional affair with this guy from her work. (different guy than above) I confronted her and got the expected "we are just friends", "He's like a brother to me". We talked through some it and I sternly let her know this is a problem and she needs to shut it down. BTW I now this guy and it has been mentioned that we thought he had a work crush on her. He is also married.
> 
> Skipping yet again, summer, wife takes a trip to Vegas for a her sisters bachelorette party and after a weekend of promoters hooking them up with guys for battle service at the clubs, she comes back with the worst attitude like she got some attention she had not in some time. I am now doormat, we began arguing more over dumb stuff and the arguments were getting worse in both directions and happening in front of the kids at times. This continues then finally in mid October hit me with "ILYBNILWY", "I need space to get clarity". Being totally crushed I proceeded to do every "Don't do" activity in a scramble to fix my marriage. I need to mention my wife's aggressive behavior consumed her work relationships as well to the point where her entire office wanted her out, she had become impossible to deal with on every front and they finally removed her from the office (she works from home now on a different team).
> 
> December, lied about having lunch with EA guy and I caught her, got the usual BS "I knew you would be upset so I didn't tell you type responses yet she is now erasing all text message from him and has been since the April incident. Jan, Feb. more of the same but she needs to move out to get her clarity, it can't happen in the house (she has been sleeping in the basement) FWIW we are still having sex a lot and she never says "no" anymore. Not sure what that's about.
> 
> Wife is moving out this weekend in search of her clarity which must happen before she could even think about working on our relationship. Uh No! I have already contacted an attorney and I am filing for divorce. It is not easy as I don't want to be over but I believe needs to happen. Apologies for the long post, having ready so many of the exact same stories here on TAM I felt the need to share.
> 
> Thanks!


Sounds kind of like my ex wife. She too did have cancer right before I might her at 22 or so, but got over it. We were together like 7 years, and then we got married. Only lasted three years. It became clear that she didn't get the freedom she needed in her twenties, wanted to really work on her career, and quite frankly wanted to travel and do what she want. 

It was almost like a female midlife crisis in her 30s. She claims she never cheated but there sure were a lot of guys trying. I think she felt insecure and liked the attention. I don't think she wanted kids which we had started to try and have. She wanted independence, and that was that.


----------



## NewMan19

Steelman said:


> Sounds kind of like my ex wife. She too did have cancer right before I might her at 22 or so, but got over it. We were together like 7 years, and then we got married. Only lasted three years. It became clear that she didn't get the freedom she needed in her twenties, wanted to really work on her career, and quite frankly wanted to travel and do what she want.
> 
> It was almost like a female midlife crisis in her 30s. She claims she never cheated but there sure were a lot of guys trying. I think she felt insecure and liked the attention. I don't think she wanted kids which we had started to try and have. She wanted independence, and that was that.



Sounds about right! I will say the downward spiral started to show about a year after our second child, then following the cancer it was like a switch got flipped. Now its the world of completely rewritten history, she was never happy (all 17 years), can't answer as to why we even married, ect ect. I hate to just brand midlife crisis because she appears to truly believe the stuff she replays. Truth is that most of it is just false and always seems to include a negative spin in my direction. You put it best right here *"wants to really work on her career, and quite frankly wants to travel and do what she wants without accountability" * This seems to be the broken record story so many have been through here. I just wish I would have gotten hip to it sooner and saved myself the last 6 months.


----------



## sokillme

NewMan19 said:


> Sounds about right! I will say the downward spiral started to show about a year after our second child, then following the cancer it was like a switch got flipped. Now its the world of completely rewritten history, she was never happy (all 17 years), can't answer as to why we even married, ect ect. I hate to just brand midlife crisis because she appears to truly believe the stuff she replays. Truth is that most of it is just false and always seems to include a negative spin in my direction. You put it best right here *"wants to really work on her career, and quite frankly wants to travel and do what she wants without accountability" * This seems to be the broken record story so many have been through here. I just wish I would have gotten hip to it sooner and saved myself the last 6 months.


She is lost. People like this are lost, they spend all their time looking outward to fix problems that are within themselves. But in the end it's impossible to be married to people like this. Most mature people figure this out in their 20's when they become independent. They stop blaming Mommy and Daddy for their problems and get it. That gives them agency to make the changes in themselves to create contentment. But some folks for whatever reason don't get this, so they spend their life on an endless search to find a panacea to make them happy. This is a goose chase that will never end. 

It's a good example of why people cheat. They get that excitement of the newness of a relationship and think "I have finally found it!" But eventually every relationship becomes somewhat "comfortable". You either learn to appreciate that like a warm blanket or you spend your whole life chasing after a fix without understanding what is really broken.


----------



## TDSC60

She is not lost. She knows exactly what she wants. A life free of normal boundaries, marriage, family, and the accountability that comes along with it all. 

Do yourself a favor - set her free.


----------



## OnTheRocks

Classic WW behavior. Know that you are not alone. That video was laughable. Also know that she has been physically cheating for some time now. They don't consider ending their marriage unless they are in lurve with someone else. She just wants to be haaaappy. Why are you standing in her way? LOL


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Taxman said:


> ... Forty years in my business has taught me one thing: *In a fight, punch first and punch hard. *
> That is a euphemism , like "No half measures".
> 
> I have seen one AP discover his married girlfriend's husband was responsible for his career ending. *He walked up to his "girlfriend" and decked her. *
> That was retelling a story





MEM2020 said:


> https://blog.prepscholar.com/how-to-improve-reading-comprehension


Irony?


----------



## Sports Fan

Hope you hired a good lawyer and stay firm. Your wife is selfish and inconsiderate and you and the kids don't deserve this. 

Stay Strong. Do not appear weak in front of her.


----------



## sokillme

TDSC60 said:


> She is not lost. She knows exactly what she wants. A life free of normal boundaries, marriage, family, and the accountability that comes along with it all.
> 
> Do yourself a favor - set her free.


I didn't mean she didn't know the destruction her actions were causing, I meant that the path she is going down is going to lead to her own demise.


----------



## alte Dame

That video speaks to a woman who feels trapped by marriage and kids. All women feel this to some extent (as do all men, in my experience), but the more self-centered, entitled ones really see themselves as the most important considerations in their lives. The thing is, once you have children, you can't be that - you have to fracture yourself so that you raise healthy children.

Let her 'follow her heart.' It's in the wrong place and perhaps she will discover that. If not, statistics say that she will do the same thing she did with you. She will find a new guy to move in with or marry and then do the same thing to him, because, after all, her #1 priority is following her heart and her heart's #1 priority isn't her family.


----------



## Tron

"Eat Pray Love" except worse because there are kids involved. She needs an IC that will hold her feet to the fire. 

Tell her she is chasing rainbows and cut her loose.


----------



## TDSC60

sokillme said:


> I didn't mean she didn't know the destruction her actions were causing, I meant that the path she is going down is going to lead to her own demise.


I agree she does not know the destruction that is coming.

I just don't think she even cares what destruction her actions cause as long as she gets the freedom she wants. Totally selfish and self centered attitude.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

Beware....she will come to her senses and will come begging for a second chance. Stand your ground.Be careful and 180 180 180


----------



## NewMan19

I worked with my lawyer today and we have drafted the divorce/coparenting agreements. I am waiting for her to get moved out Saturday and will hit her with it Sunday. Plan b is full divorce filing queued up and ready!!! 

I already secretly collected all the house keys, kids birth certificates, passports, house deed ect. and put them in a safe deposit box. Once she leaves Saturday I should only need to reprogram the garage doors to ensure no unwanted entry. Then I go dark!!! (minus kid exchanges) 

What am I missing?????


----------



## Marc878

Sounds good. Hard no contact is the key. Short, civil kids and business only. Ignore everything else.


----------



## Lostinthought61

NewMan19 said:


> I worked with my lawyer today and we have drafted the divorce/coparenting agreements. I am waiting for her to get moved out Saturday and will hit her with it Sunday. Plan b is full divorce filing queued up and ready!!!
> 
> I already secretly collected all the house keys, kids birth certificates, passports, house deed ect. and put them in a safe deposit box. Once she leaves Saturday I should only need to reprogram the garage doors to ensure no unwanted entry. Then I go dark!!! (minus kid exchanges)
> 
> What am I missing?????


Take her off your life insurance policy and put in the name of the kids with some one else as a guardian...people forget the little things.


----------



## TDSC60

Lostinthought61 said:


> Take her off your life insurance policy and put in the name of the kids with some one else as a guardian...people forget the little things.


.....and change your Will leaving all to a trust for the kids.


----------



## alte Dame

You're doing the right thing. You're taking care of business and keeping things safe and stable for you and your kids. With your finances separate and shored up, you can start your new life on a firm footing.

Your WW, on the other hand, seems to be riding on the vapor trail. She'll figure out that the 'eat, pray, love' crap doesn't just fail to pay the bills, it also doesn't work as an emotional life philosophy in the long run.

My mother would have said, 'she can't survive on air pudding and wind sauce.'

180 all the way.


----------



## TDSC60

....and don't forget about the money she was investing without your knowledge when asset division time comes.

Be prepared for her to suddenly find her precious clarity and try to smooth things over once she gets a look at the reality of her life after divorce. Or maybe she is so far gone she doesn't care about that as long as she is free.


----------



## NewMan19

TDSC60 said:


> ....and don't forget about the money she was investing without your knowledge when asset division time comes.
> 
> Be prepared for her to suddenly find her precious clarity and try to smooth things over once she gets a look at the reality of her life after divorce. Or maybe she is so far gone she doesn't care about that as long as she is free.


Already accounted for how we handle those investments with my attorney.

We are both extremely successful career wise so surviving financially will not be an issue.


----------



## TDSC60

NewMan19 said:


> Already accounted for how we handle those investments with my attorney.
> 
> We are both extremely successful career wise so surviving financially will not be an issue.


Very good. 

Stay the course. You have made an excellent plan and prepared well. Don't see that very often on here.

It sounds like she just wants to be single with no responsibilities.


----------



## NewMan19

Surprise!!!! I got the "After we get through all this I think we will be best friends." WHAT??? She is already planning on us hanging out together, I guess that is after the happiness clarity is found. How is it they are all so textbook I am amazed.


----------



## faithfulman

NewMan19 said:


> Surprise!!!! I got the "After we get through all this I think we will be best friends." WHAT??? She is already planning on us hanging out together, I guess that is after the happiness clarity is found. How is it they are all so textbook I am amazed.



If you want to... *Reply:* " You are mistaken. My best friend does not betray and lie to me."


----------



## OutofRetirement

NewMan19 said:


> Surprise!!!! I got the "After we get through all this I think we will be best friends." WHAT??? She is already planning on us hanging out together, I guess that is after the happiness clarity is found. How is it they are all so textbook I am amazed.


I know she told you she was confused and trying to figure herself out, but I don't think that's ever really the case. When she got all wet with the other guy, she knew what she wanted. Based on what you've posted, she deep down was raised with morals, and this is the confusion she talks about. How could she cheat, yet she thinks cheating is wrong? "I know I am a good person, and a good person doesn't cheat, so how could that be?" That's the figuring out she was looking for, not what she wanted. What she wants is to live the single life and have guys hit on her and feel desired from men, and be able to act on it.

So she was able to figure it out, how could she cheat if she's a good person - it was your fault. She's good, if you were a good husband, then she wouldn't have to cheat. That was the initial "figuring" she figured. Now it seems she's moved on to that you are a good person, but just not for her as a lover. You are a good husband, but not ______ enough, or ________ blank enough. I know she thinks you are lacking, probably she told you way back when she first started cheating.

She'll be back after she sows her oats.


----------



## snerg

NewMan19 said:


> I worked with my lawyer today and we have drafted the divorce/coparenting agreements. I am waiting for her to get moved out Saturday and will hit her with it Sunday. Plan b is full divorce filing queued up and ready!!!
> 
> I already secretly collected all the house keys, kids birth certificates, passports, house deed ect. and put them in a safe deposit box. Once she leaves Saturday I should only need to reprogram the garage doors to ensure no unwanted entry. Then I go dark!!! (minus kid exchanges)
> 
> What am I missing?????


Not sure if I saw this in this thread, pick up surveillance cameras.

You should spend a bit to get great picture quality.
One showing front of house (Front door entrance)
One showing back of house (back door entrance)
One showing garage entrance
One in garage showing who is getting into the garage - this on can be set up in a hidden spot and it is surprising what is captured.

My buddy went through a vicious divorce and he caught his ex several times with the cameras.


----------



## Tron

NewMan19 said:


> Surprise!!!! I got the "After we get through all this I think we will be best friends." WHAT??? She is already planning on us hanging out together, I guess that is after the happiness clarity is found. How is it they are all so textbook I am amazed.


Women always say that. Because if you agree with her, then she can easily convince herself in her own mind that what she has done isn't all that bad.

Unfortunately with kids in the mix it just isn't possible to do what she absolutely deserves, which is for you to cut her out of your life entirely.


----------



## BluesPower

NewMan19 said:


> Surprise!!!! I got the "After we get through all this I think we will be best friends." WHAT??? She is already planning on us hanging out together, I guess that is after the happiness clarity is found. How is it they are all so textbook I am amazed.


Yeah, this is textbook for your situation... 

Is she acting like she is not having an affair? She seems really calm, so I guess she thinks she has you buffaloed or under her thumb.

I want to warn you again, if you have not already confronted about the affair, which I can't remember this or not - but of course the odds are that she is - any way, I want to warn you.....

There is a high probability that she will freak out, maybe not, but they usually do at some point. 

Just be ready...


----------



## TDSC60

NewMan19 said:


> Surprise!!!! I got the "After we get through all this I think we will be best friends." WHAT??? She is already planning on us hanging out together, I guess that is after the happiness clarity is found. How is it they are all so textbook I am amazed.


Now I am confused. Does she know divorce is coming?


----------



## OutofRetirement

Tron is right. She was taught that cheating is wrong and she believes it. If you are still friends, then it will mean it wasn't so bad.

If you talked about co-parenting in a separation, that is a whole way different than co-parenting in a divorce.

It sounds like you were letting her be single even while she was married, so her leaving is more about live-in love, overnight love.

In a long relationship like yours, the spark gets really dimmed. Most of the time you're dealing with the kids, chores, daily mundane stuff, buying stuff for the house, the vacation (with the kids), etc., etc., etc. Then she hears her single or divorced friends, even younger coworkers talking about all the fun they're having partying, and she thinks the grass is greener. She does it, and she likes the attention. Any woman in a bar who is willing to entertain men who approach, is like a rock star. It sounds like you were letting her get this. The thing she is doing now, this wouldn't take her a couple years to do it. This is a more recent thing - the coworker with whom she is crushing on. And she did enough of a test run, she's ready to trade in the old reliable for the new sporty model. But trust me, there is almost always buyer's remorse.

Now, if you want to keep things smooth to get divorced, I suggest you don't blindside her. Instead, give her a warning, discuss it with her, and always preface anything you tell her about how "yes, we'll always be friends," and "I love you and you'll always be the mother of our children," "you were a great wife and I am thankful the years I've had with you," - I could write hundreds of fakeness. Your wife is a very superficial person (at least right now). Superficiality will get you much in the divorce. And even after. You don't have to destroy her, she is going to destroy herself soon enough. And even if you want to hurt her (I think this is normal after being the way she hurt you), it will be all the much hurtful when her new life goes up in flames and you had given her all the niceties that she now can never have again.

It's your life and you've got to deal with it, but from a guy who's much further along, and having read this stuff way too long, anything you can hurt her emotionally now is short-lived and will hurt you otherwise later on. I don't discount that hurting her emotionally now might be worth it to you emotionally now, even if it hurts you later on.


----------



## ABHale

NewMan19 said:


> I worked with my lawyer today and we have drafted the divorce/coparenting agreements. I am waiting for her to get moved out Saturday and will hit her with it Sunday. Plan b is full divorce filing queued up and ready!!!
> 
> I already secretly collected all the house keys, kids birth certificates, passports, house deed ect. and put them in a safe deposit box. Once she leaves Saturday I should only need to reprogram the garage doors to ensure no unwanted entry. Then I go dark!!! (minus kid exchanges)
> 
> What am I missing?????


Full custody of your kids. 

Love my mom but she was just like your STBX. She had full custody and was never home. My oldest sister basically raised us.


----------



## NewMan19

TDSC60 said:


> Now I am confused. Does she know divorce is coming?


She does now. I though it best to not completely surprise her. She did not know until yesterday.


----------



## TDSC60

NewMan19 said:


> She does now. I though it best to not completely surprise her. She did not know until yesterday.


So she is OK with divorce? Looking forward to being free and hopes to remain friends?


----------



## NewMan19

TDSC60 said:


> So she is OK with divorce? Looking forward to being free and hopes to remain friends?


Doesn't seem ok with the divorce but has been using the remain friends line for a while now.


----------



## Marc878

She's just your typical cake eater. She'll take it as long as you feed her. Even after D


----------



## Kamstel

You are doing just fine. Yes, I know it hurts like hell, but you are doing fine

Stay strong and continue to move out of the hell that SHE has put you in


----------



## VFW

NewMan19 said:


> Doesn't seem ok with the divorce but has been using the remain friends line for a while now.


She will catch on when you don't show up to her parties, lol. This is an unfortunate situation, but with her attitude, you are best to cut your losses and move on with life. I have complete confidence you will do well.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

NewMan19 said:


> Doesn't seem ok with the divorce but has been using the* remain friends* line for a while now.


 I'm sure you realize the whole "remain friends" schtick is to ease her conscience and has nothing to do with actually being friends. If you remain friendly with her she can say, to herself and others, "Look @NewMan19 is OK with what I did so it must not be anything wrong with it." Screw That!

You're doing great. Just keep the hammer down and don't look back.


----------



## TDSC60

NewMan19 said:


> Doesn't seem ok with the divorce but has been using the remain friends line for a while now.


I'll bet she sees an occasional dinner during the week with her XH friend, then wild single girl parties on the weekend. Then she will be happy.


----------



## GusPolinski

NewMan19 said:


> Doesn't seem ok with the divorce but has been using the remain friends line for a while now.


Here’s the rationale —

If you’re willing to stay friendly then it must not have hurt you that badly, and if it didn’t hurt you that badly, she wasn’t wrong for doing it.

It’s to assuage her guilt.

It’s not “for the kids” and it’s not for you — it’s for her.


----------



## Jasel

Another coping mechanism I'm sure. If you guys can be "friends" after all of this then in her mind what she did wasn't that big of a deal. It's not uncommon, I see WW tend to spout that nonsense more than WH but again it happens. Just more mental gymnastics to not make herself the bad guy.


----------



## NewMan19

I thought I would give a weekend update. She is now moved out and she agreed to the co-parenting plan I drafted. However, she had a complete meltdown during her first read of the separation agreement. She say she does not want to divorce and refuses to accept my actions as real. What is confusing me is her mindset of the entire situation. She actually believes her move was her choice and about her finding herself. She is totally dismissing the fact I have been requesting her to move out for three months now. She is still giving the re-written history stories as her reasoning and is not at all receiving my messages informing her we are divorcing because she has lied and cheated. She is still using any means necessary to justify her behavior at my expense. 

I have her coming over tonight alone (kids are with her mom at the new place) to go over the agreement in detail. My plan is to be a cordial as can be and review what my attorney and I have drafted in regards to the terms and splitting of assets. If anyone has some good advice who has done this type of talk I am all ears. I just want to have her agree so it doesn't become drawn out.


----------



## Marc878

Don't confront or talk about your marriage. Be civil and stay focused on the divorce papers. 

If she brings anything up other than D steer her back.

Talking, trying to rationalize the why's don't matter at this time.

Be nice until you get what you want and cut her off later. After the ink dries.


----------



## honcho

NewMan19 said:


> I thought I would give a weekend update. She is now moved out and she agreed to the co-parenting plan I drafted. However, she had a complete meltdown during her first read of the separation agreement. She say she does not want to divorce and refuses to accept my actions as real. What is confusing me is her mindset of the entire situation. She actually believes her move was her choice and about her finding herself. She is totally dismissing the fact I have been requesting her to move out for three months now. She is still giving the re-written history stories as her reasoning and is not at all receiving my messages informing her we are divorcing because she has lied and cheated. She is still using any means necessary to justify her behavior at my expense.
> 
> I have her coming over tonight alone (kids are with her mom at the new place) to go over the agreement in detail. My plan is to be a cordial as can be and review what my attorney and I have drafted in regards to the terms and splitting of assets. If anyone has some good advice who has done this type of talk I am all ears. I just want to have her agree so it doesn't become drawn out.


let her believe moving out etc was her choice, no point in debating it with her as youll be talking to a brick wall. 

Stay focused on the separation agreement and discuss nothing else. She will most likely want to talk about everything but the agreement. WS tend to agree/not agree to just about anything till the moment they actually have to sign something and make it legal.


----------



## Kamstel

Write down an agenda for your meeting and don’t deviate from it!!!


----------



## colingrant

NewMan19 said:


> I thought I would give a weekend update. She is now moved out and she agreed to the co-parenting plan I drafted. However, she had a complete meltdown during her first read of the separation agreement. She say she does not want to divorce and refuses to accept my actions as real. What is confusing me is her mindset of the entire situation. She actually believes her move was her choice and about her finding herself. She is totally dismissing the fact I have been requesting her to move out for three months now. She is still giving the re-written history stories as her reasoning and is not at all receiving my messages informing her we are divorcing because she has lied and cheated. She is still using any means necessary to justify her behavior at my expense.
> 
> I have her coming over tonight alone (kids are with her mom at the new place) to go over the agreement in detail. My plan is to be a cordial as can be and review what my attorney and I have drafted in regards to the terms and splitting of assets. If anyone has some good advice who has done this type of talk I am all ears. I just want to have her agree so it doesn't become drawn out.


What she thinks doesn't matter. What she says doesn't matter, so no need for you to seek her approval or understanding of your intentions. Her arrogance should only fuel your commitment to a favorable outcome for yourself. If she wishes to think your actions are not real, so be it. Detach, stay detached, become indifferent and count the days that she's behind you. Seriously, what she says, thinks or even does at this point is insignificant. Just stay the course without distraction.


----------



## Cynthia

I agree with the others who say that the relationship issues no longer matter since you are divorcing. Just focus on the divorce and do not engage her about personal matters. You are never going to convince her of the truth anyway, because she already knows the truth. She was there. She is trying to rewrite history so she can live with herself and anything you say or do will only make her dig in deeper. The relationship is over. No need to discuss it with someone who only wants to paint you as the bad guy.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Have a VAR running the whole time so you can go back and listen to things you may have missed. Also for the possibility of a false DV charge. Better safe than sorry.


----------



## just got it 55

Rubix Cubed said:


> Have a VAR running the whole time so you can go back and listen to things you may have missed. Also for the possibility of a false DV charge. Better safe than sorry.


QFT....my first thought also Rube

55


----------



## faithfulman

Tell her you're happy she's gonna find herself... by herself and alone.


----------



## Kamstel

Good luck with the meeting with your stbxw.

Stay strong and focus on what is best for you and your kids


----------



## Jasel

Don't know if you met with her already but maybe set a time limit for how long it lasts. Like an hour or 90 minutes, etc. Also stick only to the topic of divorce/kids/finances/assets/etc. Don't talk about the marriage, her cheating, her re-writing the history, lies, denial, etc.


----------



## GusPolinski

NewMan19 said:


> I thought I would give a weekend update. She is now moved out and she agreed to the co-parenting plan I drafted. However, she had a complete meltdown during her first read of the separation agreement. She say she does not want to divorce and refuses to accept my actions as real. What is confusing me is her mindset of the entire situation. She actually believes her move was her choice and about her finding herself. She is totally dismissing the fact I have been requesting her to move out for three months now. She is still giving the re-written history stories as her reasoning and is not at all receiving my messages informing her we are divorcing because she has lied and cheated. She is still using any means necessary to justify her behavior at my expense.
> 
> I have her coming over tonight alone (kids are with her mom at the new place) to go over the agreement in detail. My plan is to be a cordial as can be and review what my attorney and I have drafted in regards to the terms and splitting of assets. If anyone has some good advice who has done this type of talk I am all ears. I just want to have her agree so it doesn't become drawn out.


1. VAR VAR VAR VAR VAR

2. Say this — and ONLY this — when she starts up with any attempts at gaslighting and rewriting:

“Doesn’t matter, we’re divorcing. But you go ahead and tell yourself whatever you want.”

Say it over and over and over — as many times as it takes for her to get the message.

3. Also, VAR


----------



## OutofRetirement

You forgot your scripted lines. Your part in this play. You are supposed to be the heartbroken husband who will pine away and beg for forgiveness, and she is supposed to be the one who has her fun and find a better husband than you. But just in case she doesn't, you are supposed to wait and pine. Not divorce her. That is just wrong.

Ask her what you should be doing while she is having sex with her coworker.

Nah, just tell her it's the toughest decision you ever had to make, and you'll always love her. Then ask her to sign the papers.


----------



## Cynthia

If you do recorder her, put the recorder where she can see it and tell her every conversation will be recorded. If she doesn't want to be recorded, then she can leave, because you aren't conversing with her without one.


----------



## Wolfman1968

NewMan19 said:


> I thought I would give a weekend update. She is now moved out and she agreed to the co-parenting plan I drafted. However, she had a complete meltdown during her first read of the separation agreement. She say she does not want to divorce and refuses to accept my actions as real. What is confusing me is her mindset of the entire situation. She actually believes her move was her choice and about her finding herself. She is totally dismissing the fact I have been requesting her to move out for three months now. She is still giving the re-written history stories as her reasoning and is not at all receiving my messages informing her we are divorcing because she has lied and cheated. She is still using any means necessary to justify her behavior at my expense.


Please be prepared for the very real possibility that she will CONTINUE re-writing history with ever more revisions. And with each version, you will become more and more the villain, so that she "had no choice" but to leave/cheat/seek support for her emotionally abused soul in another's arms/whatever.


----------



## ABHale

I would really like to know how it turned out. 

I would never have met with her. Would have allowed my lawyer do all the translating.


----------



## Dyokemm

Sorry that you have to deal with this OP.....

But you are clearly on the best path now......nothing you have shared about your STBXWW’s words and behaviors makes me think she would remotely be a candidate for R.

I would bet dollars to donuts that you have a serial cheater on your hands......

IMO she has had A’s with BOTH of the co-workers you mentioned.....not buying the ‘nothing happened’ for the “Happy Hour” til 1130 at POSOM1’s house......and POSOM2 is almost certainly not just an EA.

In fact, I bet the reason her office became so toxic she was removed had something to do with the fact that they all knew about her love trysts, and it offended or possibly ignited jealousies with other co-workers.

And who knows how many hook ups she had on Bachelorette Weekend in Vegas......but I would bet money there was at least one.

Point being, as I said, SERIAL CHEATER.......and the odds of R with a WS of this type are pathetically low, and the chances you would destroy yourself mentally and emotionally trying are sky high.

Follow through on the D.....

And, you have mentioned that your WW has been frequently talking about ‘being friends’ after all this in the future.....

I certainly hope you are slamming the door shut fast and hard on this idea each time she mentions it.

Who the h&ll needs traitorous friends like her anyway.


----------



## SunCMars

NewMan19 said:


> Yes, she did come from the cancer as a different person in many ways, lots of self help books, suddenly the social butterfly. Not to mention she gained an "in your face" type of attitude.
> 
> Sitting here today I can honestly say I don't know, these incidents were never swept away, in fact I have always struggled with them but also had a level of trust in my wife which allowed me to work forward. I realized once I caught her lying about EA guy her lines were BS. I played the typical sucker in the hopes of having a good wife. Also there are so many incidents this last year I just highlighted a couple milestones. A year goes fast when your in the s**t.


I know this is late in the game for this question.

Just out of curiosity..

Is she taking any amphetamine salts such as Adderall?
Or maybe hormonal meds.


What meds was she on, to your knowledge 'still' is on. 

You may have symptoms of anxiety if you’re taking:

Cortisone
Dexamethasone
Prednisone

ADHD Drugs

Many medications for this condition are stimulants, meaning they rev up your brain. They also change the way your nerve cells send messages. Both of these things can make you restless and anxious, especially if you’re taking high doses.

Mood changes are a common side effect of these medications:

Amphetamine/dextroamphetamine (Adderall)
Dexmethylphenidate (Focalin)
Lisdexamfetamine (Vyvanse)
Methylphenidate (Concerta, Ritalin)

There is no 'still' within this lady, nope.
Some of these meds are really activated when mixed with alcohol, oh boy.





[THM]- SCM


----------



## NewMan19

Quick update:

She is moved out of the house and I chose to not have her served divorce papers officially but I did have my lawyer draft a separation agreement and child custody agreement for her to agree to or not. When I gave these to her (toward the end of her moving her stuff out) she immediately broke down crying and lobbying for us to work on things and go to counseling. I politely refused and instructed her to have a lawyer review these and get her changes back to me ASAP. She is now in full cake-eater mode. Stalling on returning her edits (no big deal I will file anyway and instructed my lawyer to do so), telling me she just needs time away ect. but not committing to any particular outcome. I will say the kids have impacted her probably more than me, my son is not taking this well at all and this make me question my resolve. I am holding true for now but it is tough.


----------



## faithfulman

Great work.

I'm very sorry about the impact on the kids. 

Your wife wanted to sacrifice your happiness to play around, while keeping her home situation the same. 

Single, with a husband and family.

It don't work like that.


----------



## Dyokemm

Good job staying strong.

One thing that always amazes me with WS’s who act as your WW has, then when hit with D or separation papers beg for a little time and declare they want to work on it is this:

If I were in your position, the first thing I would look at after receiving the ‘want to work on it’ spiel would be what else came with that declaration.

If it was anything but a FULL confession of what they have actually been up to, combined with deep apologies and verified appointments for IC to figure out why in the h&ll they had just destroyed the M and family, my first thought would be ‘bullsh*t’.

How does one break down crying, saying they want to work to save the M, without confessing what they have done and verifying they will immediately begin seeking help to fix their issues?

How do they STILL declare they want a short break or space to ‘work on things’ when that cake-eating move is what drove the M to this point in the first place?

If they can’t even humble themselves to the point to admit fully what exactly they have done to ruin the M, and immediately surrender their selfish wants, then any declarations of wanting to ‘fix’ things are just a load of crap.

I would bet money that her little crying/begging episode didn’t include her telling you the truth about what exactly she did with POSOM 1 and 2, or what happened on Bachelorette Weekend in Vegas did it?

And she obviously wasn’t willing to give up her ‘space’......

You are right to ignore her pleading as nonsense OP.......stay the course.


----------



## Marc878

NewMan19 said:


> Quick update:
> 
> She is moved out of the house and *I chose to not have her served divorce papers officially* but I did have my lawyer draft a separation agreement and child custody agreement for her to agree to or not. When I gave these to her (toward the end of her moving her stuff out) she immediately broke down crying and lobbying for us to work on things and go to counseling. I politely refused and instructed her to have a lawyer review these and get her changes back to me ASAP. She is now in full cake-eater mode. Stalling on returning her edits (no big deal I will file anyway and instructed my lawyer to do so), telling me she just needs time away ect. but not committing to any particular outcome. I will say the kids have impacted her probably more than me, my son is not taking this well at all and this make me question my resolve. I am holding true for now but it is tough.


are you divorcing her or just getting a separation?


----------



## TDSC60

Everything you have posted here shows that she is not a good mother, not a good wife, and most like a cheater. Her moving out to find herself is code for her doing whatever and whoever she wants when she wants without interference nor accountability.

Staying married to someone like that for the kids sake is not a good plan.

Children are resilient. They will adapt, probably better and faster than you.

Stay your course and quit telling her what you are planning.


----------



## NewMan19

Aiming for dissolution, same as divorce without the fight! If I have to file with no agreed upon terms then it will be divorce and the lawyers will negotiate.


----------



## Marc878

Gotcha. Less time and cost if you can swing it.

Funny how when you catch onto who they really are they want to try and work on the marriage.

Feed me more cake !!!!!!!


----------



## Marc878

IN case you don't know what comes next:

She'll probably start bugging you. Texting, calling, etc. learn to ignore !!!! If not you'll stay caught up in this longer than you need to be. Remember she's using the separation to spend all her time with her other man. Let her go completely and you'll free yourself.

You don't have to respond to everything. Only kids, business.

Never answer a phone call direct.


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## sokillme

They only ever want what they can't have. The are the ultimate trap. All need and no substance. Move on and find someone who is real.


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## Marc878

Whether you realize it or not your current course of action will save you from a very long stay in limbo.

Most don't get it but limbo is a self imposed state.

Keep moving forward


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## OutofRetirement

It sounds like she is used to controlling you. Being able to convince you to do things she wants that you don't, and she gets what she wants. Like her telling you what investments she made and you didn't agree, like her telling you she doesn't have to buy groceries anymore and you just did it instead, like she told you on an hour's notice that you have to pick up the kids because she is going to happy hour and you just do it. You know the other things that you caved and let go just to keep the peace.

You really can't expect that she is not going to get her way in the end. Has this not been the real history of your relationship, at least the few years before she decided to explore herself?


You can't save her at this point. She has to want it, and all she wants is for you to cave again, not for her to fix herself. Her idea is to live a single life while not being in the same house with you so she can keep secret all of her cheating. What she wants from you is to apologize for your faults that made her cheat, and pine away for her just in case this new life of hers doesn't pan out. And quite frankly, it's a little disconcerting that you are not allowing it.

Did your kids ever cry to get what they want? Then stop crying immediately when they get what they want? Start looking at your wife in the lens of a child who wants what they want and they want it now.

Everyone who first posts here wants to save their marriage, deep down, even when they say they don't. 99.5% of them. You included. I don't think you are the 0.5%. And that's OK. Nothing wrong with that, it's not fair that she makes promises and for 17 years you build a life, and then she unequivocally gets to knock it all down. 

I know you want to believe her, but it has to be more than just words. She has to prove it by actions. You know that.


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## turnera

3Xnocharm said:


> Good, I am very glad to see you are not doing the pick-me dance, and that you are taking a strong stance now. My question though, all those other times you caught her, WHY did you just sweep it under the rug the way you did?
> 
> Sounds like her cancer changed her, like she decided she had been missing out on something by being in LTR/married. I am sorry you are going through this. You are doing the right thing.


That's exactly what happened to my ex-SIL. He helped her through her cancer, only for her long-lost high school boyfriend to come in and swoop her off her feet. She started out nice, I'll only take what I came into the marriage with, and by the time it was over, I didn't recognize her. She took hundreds of thousands of dollars he'd saved before her, tricky lawyer stuff. It was awful.


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## VFW

I watched the video she sited as her true feelings and even she admitted her husband was not at fault. The lady never explained why she married this man and lived a charmed life, but we are left to assume she married for money and not love. The bottom line is the lady in the video and your STBX did what they did for their own selfish reasons. It is very unfortunate, but that is her choice. You too are entitled to have someone love you and forsaking all others. Stay the course and do what you have to do. Realize that the legal part is only the beginning of this and it will take awhile for the emotional rollercoaster to stop. Hang Tough!


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## ABHale

NewMan19 said:


> Quick update:
> 
> She is moved out of the house and I chose to not have her served divorce papers officially but I did have my lawyer draft a separation agreement and child custody agreement for her to agree to or not. When I gave these to her (toward the end of her moving her stuff out) she immediately broke down crying and lobbying for us to work on things and go to counseling. I politely refused and instructed her to have a lawyer review these and get her changes back to me ASAP. She is now in full cake-eater mode. Stalling on returning her edits (no big deal I will file anyway and instructed my lawyer to do so), telling me she just needs time away ect. but not committing to any particular outcome. I will say the kids have impacted her probably more than me, my son is not taking this well at all and this make me question my resolve. I am holding true for now but it is tough.


Stay strong for your son and love on him. It will be better in the long run for him and make him stronger.


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## MattMatt

You will need to communicate with her regarding the children, obviously.

What I would suggest is that you create a new email address that you only give her. Plus if you can have a second phone number on the account that you only give her.

This will help you separate her from your "real" life.


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## Laurentium

3Xnocharm said:


> Seems I am the only one who cant get the video to work?? :scratchhead:


Lucky you!


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## TDSC60

Do you know where she moved to?


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## VermiciousKnid

Let me ask you this...are you absolutely sure that divorce is what you want? I ask this same question from any client. Divorce is a life-altering event not just for you but for her and especially your kids. Don't make these decisions from an emotional state. Have you waited enough time to make a clear-headed decision? Again, these are questions I ask of my clients (I'm a divorce attorney).


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## Marc878

Reconcilliation is rare. Many just stay together. D or R should be thought out.

R is a lot of work if you do it right. Unless it's a dealbreaker. Then it doesn't matter.

However, there are no guarantees plus false R's happen all the time. The capability to cheat will always be there. 

R is something not to enter into lightly. You can waste years of your life and get the same thing again.


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## 10th Engineer Harrison

NewMan19 said:


> Side note: She sent this to me today explaining this is exactly how she feels and why she needs to leave to find the clarity.
> 
> youtube.com/watch?v=opaFc3PTH1U


Eww, yecch!

Notice that, throughout that whole video, she never really says exactly what she "learned" or found. 

My favorite quote about happiness applies here: 'Happiness isn't getting what you want, it's wanting what you have.'

-10th Engineer Harrison


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## TDSC60

Any update?


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## StillSearching

10th Engineer Harrison said:


> Eww, yecch!
> 
> Notice that, throughout that whole video, she never really says exactly what she "learned" or found.
> 
> My favorite quote about happiness applies here: * 'Happiness isn't getting what you want, it's wanting what you have.'*
> 
> -10th Engineer Harrison


Happiness is just a byproduct of meaning.
Find meaning and happiness will come and go more regularly.


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## NewMan19

TDSC60 said:


> Any update?


Nothing really new to share. The last two weeks have been rough as we have have been working through settlement items. There have been some nice moments but also some bad arguments. It really sucks to see everything you have built reduced to a spreadsheet you have to sit around carving up. But that is where we are. She still claims she just needs time and doesn't want to divorce... yet, but in the same conversation will portray the aggressive, arrogant behavior that she knows will send us into an argument. It is just really toxic and draining right now but slowly progressing to an end.

I could use some advise.... We have a big vacation trip booked abroad and I struggle with going or not. If I don't, my kids will have this amazing experience and I will miss it. It will also be remembered by them that I was not there. Right now I plan to go but would really like to see what others think about this idea outside of the general awkwardness of being there with some of her family.


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## Marc878

I'd cancel it get a refund and schedule something with the kids by myself. Let her figure out her end.


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## TDSC60

NewMan19 said:


> Nothing really new to share. The last two weeks have been rough as we have have been working through settlement items. There have been some nice moments but also some bad arguments. It really sucks to see everything you have built reduced to a spreadsheet you have to sit around carving up. But that is where we are. She still claims she just needs time and doesn't want to divorce... yet, but in the same conversation will portray the aggressive, arrogant behavior that she knows will send us into an argument. It is just really toxic and draining right now but slowly progressing to an end.
> 
> I could use some advise.... We have a big vacation trip booked abroad and I struggle with going or not. *If I don't, my kids will have this amazing experience and I will miss it.* It will also be remembered by them that I was not there. Right now I plan to go but would really like to see what others think about this idea outside of the general awkwardness of being there with some of her family.


How old are the kids?

If young enough (say 3-4 years). In a couple of years they won't remember anything about it anyway.


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## ABHale

NewMan19 said:


> Nothing really new to share. The last two weeks have been rough as we have have been working through settlement items. There have been some nice moments but also some bad arguments. It really sucks to see everything you have built reduced to a spreadsheet you have to sit around carving up. But that is where we are. She still claims she just needs time and doesn't want to divorce... yet, but in the same conversation will portray the aggressive, arrogant behavior that she knows will send us into an argument. It is just really toxic and draining right now but slowly progressing to an end.
> 
> I could use some advise.... We have a big vacation trip booked abroad and I struggle with going or not. If I don't, my kids will have this amazing experience and I will miss it. It will also be remembered by them that I was not there. Right now I plan to go but would really like to see what others think about this idea outside of the general awkwardness of being there with some of her family.


Go and enjoy the time with your kids. 

Make time for just you and them. Also spend some time alone. You don’t have to spend any real time with STBX or her family.


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## Dyokemm

She still isn’t confessing what she has done, begging for forgiveness, and showing you any steps she has taken to fix her issues.....

‘I don’t want a divorce’ is just bullsh*t given that behavior......

If she was honest, she would be admitting ‘I want to cake eat’.....

Keep the D moving forward full speed.

Personally, I would go on the trip and just focus 100% on the kids.....zero ‘happy couple’ facade at all, and any confusion or questions from her family would be met with a calm exposure of what exactly is going on in your M.

But then again, I am very good at being coldly indifferent to those who I have decided are dead to me.


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## honcho

NewMan19 said:


> Nothing really new to share. The last two weeks have been rough as we have have been working through settlement items. There have been some nice moments but also some bad arguments. It really sucks to see everything you have built reduced to a spreadsheet you have to sit around carving up. But that is where we are. She still claims she just needs time and doesn't want to divorce... yet, but in the same conversation will portray the aggressive, arrogant behavior that she knows will send us into an argument. It is just really toxic and draining right now but slowly progressing to an end.
> 
> I could use some advise.... We have a big vacation trip booked abroad and I struggle with going or not. If I don't, my kids will have this amazing experience and I will miss it. It will also be remembered by thema that I was not there. Right now I plan to go but would really like to see what others think about this idea outside of the general awkwardness of being there with some of her family.


Your kids are what 7,4? You stbx has moved out, your getting divorced, the kids at that age don't understand what's going on to begin with, taking a "family vacation" will just confuse them more thinking mommy and daddy are going to be together again in my opinion. I'd cancel the whole vacation for everyone and get your divorce sorted out.


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## SecondWind

Cancel the vacation and plan another in a couple of months with just you and your children.


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## Marc878

Perfect time for a good bonding trip to Disney with just you and the kids.

You gotta start somewhere why not now.


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## Yeswecan

NewMan19 said:


> Nothing really new to share. The last two weeks have been rough as we have have been working through settlement items. There have been some nice moments but also some bad arguments. It really sucks to see everything you have built reduced to a spreadsheet you have to sit around carving up. But that is where we are. She still claims she just needs time and doesn't want to divorce... yet, but in the same conversation will portray the aggressive, arrogant behavior that she knows will send us into an argument. It is just really toxic and draining right now but slowly progressing to an end.
> 
> I could use some advise.... We have a big vacation trip booked abroad and I struggle with going or not. If I don't, my kids will have this amazing experience and I will miss it. It will also be remembered by them that I was not there. Right now I plan to go but would really like to see what others think about this idea outside of the *general awkwardness of being there with some of her family.*


I'd go and be the most happiest I could be for the kids sake. Other then that, 180 the WW in the process. It is a good time to start the moving on process and looking after you happiness.


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## jsmart

After your long history together, raising kids, and you being her rock during her cancer battle, for her to treat you with such disdain and disrespect to then think you're supposed to be her friend, is beyond clueless.

She is completely emotionally detached from you but it's obvious that you still love her. Why put yourself through that emotional pain so she can look good. This is for her to be like "see everyone, what I did isn't so bad. He's still my friend." F that noise. Cancel that trip and take your own trip with the kids. You can make new memories that don't include her.


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## Cynthia

Whose credit card was used and whose name is on the reservation?

It may be helpful to tell your wife that either she has your back and is completely into you or the relationship is over. Since she doesn't know what she wants, you are leaving her, because that's not what you want in a marriage.


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## arbitrator

*This relationship is effectively over! Your WW made a more than conscious effort to end it!

Start living life for the sake of yourself and your kids!*


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## Dyokemm

How are things going NewMan?


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## NewMan19

It's been a while so I figured I would post an update. I did end up going on the trip and glad I did. I had a great time with my kids and in general. As for the household situation nothing has changed. I have provided her all the paperwork to complete the dissolution but she keeps stalling on doing anything with it. I am doing my best to move on but it is hard as we share friends and activities that cause us to interact. My kids are taking this hard and beginning to act out so I will need to figure that out soon. All in all I am doing ok, I have my good days and sad ones but have been staying busy and social to keep it from getting to me.

As for her she has now quit her job (of 13+ years) that gave her a second chance in her pursuit of happiness, has begun spending more time with a few single ladies (one of which I credit for some of her current mindset and is introducing her to others). Her attitude has gotten more aggressive and over confident and she actually told me some of the couples we are friends and neighbors with that the wives should leave their husbands because she can tell they are not happy. One couple in particular she is claims she is planning to work toward this. Geesh! 

For me this is not the woman I have known or married, I occasionally see a glimpse of her her and there but this new girl has had 3-5 drastically different personalities in the last 8 months non of which I recognize. It is very surreal. I'm just doing my best to get along for the kids and hopefully get this marriage dissolved with as little friction as possible.


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## 3Xnocharm

I guess she quit her job in hopes of getting support paid by you, make sure you fight that because its crap. And how nice that she is playing homewrecker with other couples! Have you warned the other husbands about what she is up to??


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## NewMan19

She did get another job, sorry that was not clear. And yes, I have told the husbands I am good friends with.


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## Dyokemm

NewMan19 said:


> She did get another job, sorry that was not clear. And yes, I have told the husbands I am good friends with.


I certainly hope you gave a head’s up to the H whose M you said your WW is planning to target with her toxic ‘advice’.

Edited to add that I just realized that your post was saying you did warn him....

Good job.


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## Dyokemm

NewMan.....

Just keep pushing this forward.....

You need to get this woman out of your life as much as possible ASAP.

She is a disaster.


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## [email protected]

NewMan19, I'm proud of you!


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## CraigBesuden

NewMan19 said:


> Side note: She sent this to me today explaining this is exactly how she feels and why she needs to leave to find the clarity.
> 
> youtube.com/watch?v=opaFc3PTH1U


If that’s truly how she feels — that everything in her married life feels wrong and she only got married and had kids to impress others — then you need to divorce.

People here seem to reject the video. But I think that people who are living a lie, like the woman in the video, should stop.


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## NewMan19

Its been a long while since I posted but wanted to share that we are officially done. Had court last month and and as of a few weeks ago we are no longer married. Now to figure out the rest  Admittedly I'm not exactly thrilled with how this all turned out but minus the occasional ups and downs its getting a little better. The support network here has helped me and is greatly appreciated.


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## 3Xnocharm

Congrats, you’re free!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Tilted 1

You did what needed to be done, and have saved your self-respect and honor. Glad your done it's the new year and start to care for yourself, enjoy the chance at a new life.


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## Marduk

NewMan19 said:


> Its been a long while since I posted but wanted to share that we are officially done. Had court last month and and as of a few weeks ago we are no longer married. Now to figure out the rest  Admittedly I'm not exactly thrilled with how this all turned out but minus the occasional ups and downs its getting a little better. The support network here has helped me and is greatly appreciated.


Congrats man - I remember that feeling well. The whole world is yours now, brother.


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## Hoosier

I remember the bitter sweet feeling of it being over. I didnt want it to be, but it was, I was going to make the best of it. Now 8 years later, so glad it happened! just saying


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## Amerika

Marc878 said:


> You need to establish a no contact policy. Just because you have young kids doesn't mean you have to keep yourself in this.
> 
> Only communicate by text/email kids, business only. This should include her family too.
> 
> Keep everything separate holidays, birthdays , etc. block all forms of social media, Facebook, etc.
> 
> Pick ups/drop offs should be a 3 minute exercise with zero engagement.
> 
> No contact only works (it does work) if you fully apply it. If you want to move on if not you will linger in this mess.
> 
> It maybe awkward upfront but will normalize and your kids will adjust. Like most you'll get the "lets be friends", do it for the kids thing. This will be for her not you.


Wrong advise. They are both parents and since they were once friends, there is no need to act with bitterness. He's got what he wanted, why still hold it bitterly? 

I think you should create a positive atmosphere as a man between you and your kids mama... don't listen to naysayers


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## TDSC60

NewMan19 said:


> Its been a long while since I posted but wanted to share that we are officially done. Had court last month and and as of a few weeks ago we are no longer married. Now to figure out the rest  Admittedly I'm not exactly thrilled with how this all turned out but minus the occasional ups and downs its getting a little better. The support network here has helped me and is greatly appreciated.


How are the kids doing?

Is she acting like a good mother or is she still putting them behind her "happiness?


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## Marc878

Amerika said:


> Wrong advise. They are both parents and since they were once friends, there is no need to act with bitterness. He's got what he wanted, why still hold it bitterly?
> 
> I think you should create a positive atmosphere as a man between you and your kids mama... don't listen to naysayers


It has nothing to do with bitterness it just takes you out of the mix. No muss no fuss. It allows both to move on complete and faster.

You’re just projecting your thoughts.

Kids get false hopes of the family getting back together. Then they get the disappointment of it not happening.

If you want a relationship with someone else they aren’t going to want an x in the mix.

Your family now consists of you and your kids. If you want it as trouble and drama free as possible keep it that way.

I’ve seen this play out before and I know of 4 (3 of which have younger kids) that use the limited contact method and it works great.


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## shortbus

Congrats, green grass and high tides forever.
Hoping for the best for you and your kids.


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## Taxman

Congratulations on getting your life back. From your description, she appears to be a wayward on steroids. Best you are far away from what I believe will transpire. She will spread this disease to other women around her. There will be consequences that distance will shield you from.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Amerika said:


> Wrong advise. They are both parents and since they were once friends, there is no need to act with bitterness. He's got what he wanted, why still hold it bitterly?
> 
> I think you should create a positive atmosphere as a man between you and your kids mama... don't listen to naysayers


Nope, it is great advice and not bitter. Your point is not mutually exclusive. You can have a positive atmosphere and still have minimal contact with your ex.


----------



## Numb26

Amerika said:


> Marc878 said:
> 
> 
> 
> You need to establish a no contact policy. Just because you have young kids doesn't mean you have to keep yourself in this.
> 
> Only communicate by text/email kids, business only. This should include her family too.
> 
> Keep everything separate holidays, birthdays , etc. block all forms of social media, Facebook, etc.
> 
> Pick ups/drop offs should be a 3 minute exercise with zero engagement.
> 
> No contact only works (it does work) if you fully apply it. If you want to move on if not you will linger in this mess.
> 
> It maybe awkward upfront but will normalize and your kids will adjust. Like most you'll get the "lets be friends", do it for the kids thing. This will be for her not you.
> 
> 
> 
> Wrong advise. They are both parents and since they were once friends, there is no need to act with bitterness. He's got what he wanted, why still hold it bitterly?
> 
> I think you should create a positive atmosphere as a man between you and your kids mama... don't listen to naysayers
Click to expand...

I disagree. It is good advice and is what I have done. No contact with the STBXW has made life so much better on all fronts. No drama, no BS and the kids are so much better for it


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## MattMatt

@NewMan19 How's it going for you and the kids?


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## Buffer

Take it easy, no new fruit loops in the relationship please.
Buffer


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