# update



## mburton (Dec 12, 2012)

Greetings!
I posted before the holidays that my DH of 17 years had been hospitalized and then moved out. Well, he came home after five weeks out of the house. Total surprise to me. I really thought we were in for a much longer haul. He came home Friday night, late, so it's only been a few days and it's WAY harder than I thought it would be. I miss him so much--the fact that his body is here means nothing--he is not himself at all. He has been diagnosed with dissociation (not multiple personalities), severe depression and borderline personality disorder. Now, how do I act towards him now that he's back?? He doesn't talk much. If I cry, he has a panic attack. Last night we were talking a bit and he started hitting his head because he had too many voices in his head. His counselor is confident it's not schizophrenia, just the severe anxiety/depression that causes that. He is in bed by 8pm, which doesn't surprise or upset me-I'm sure this is exhausting. Our kids are avoiding him because he is so vacant. How in the world are we going to get through this? Last night was bad-he said he was able to talk but then got overloaded and the head slapping started and so the talk was over. Is that a big cop out? I am walking on eggshells and that's not helpful to anyone. It was easier when he was out of the house-I missed him, but it was less stressful. He says he came home because he didn't want to be alone like this and didn't want to go through this alone. I know the best thing for him is calm and stability but how do I do that on my own? I am trying to keep our kids on track, keep myself on track ( I teach junior high), keep the bills paid, the house clean, everyone fed, the pets under control, and then tip toe around him. HELP!!! Those of you that suffer from depression and related stuff, help me know how to treat him, what to expect, what is most helpful. I am not going to lie to him and say this is easy, but I don't want to heap more sh** on his already felling-bad self, you know?
I posted before the holidays that I wanted him back in any condition he is in and I got it all right!!! I am totally committed to fixing our marriage and standing by him through this, I just don't know how to do that and not burn out myself. I feel like I am getting awfully close to a meltdown of my own. I am on two anti-anxiety meds and see a counselor as well, and I have plans with friends this weekend and next, so I am doing what I can to give myself breaks, it's just REALLY hard to live with him right now, no matter how much I love him.
Help and advice please!!!!
thanks
mburton


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Mburton, I'm so sorry to hear that you and your H are still suffering so. Like you, I lived with a BPDer spouse for many years -- 15 in my case. If you would like to read about some of my experiences, please see my post in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If you have some questions about living with a BPDer, I would be glad to try to answer them or point you to good online resources.

My BPDer exW generally was high functioning but, on several occasions, she slipped into deep depression and self loathing -- thus becoming low-functioning at those times.

If you have not already done so, I strongly encourage you to start participating (or at least lurking) in the nine forums at BPDfamily.com, which is targeted solely to the abused spouses and partners living with BPDers. There, you will be able to communicate with hundreds of folks who have been there and done that. 

I also suggest you read _Stop Walking on Eggshells_, which is the #1 best selling BPD book targeted to the abused spouses. Another good book is _I Hate You, Don't Leave Me,_ which is the #2 best selling BPD book. And, while you are at the BPDfamily website, you will find over a dozen excellent articles listed on the resources page.


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