# How do you get through these thoughts?



## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

You think of your W or H moving on. What I mean is, I am having thoughts of him doing things with another woman, that we've done together. 

For example:

He has a boat, (normally I would have said WE have a boat) so we spent a lot of time on the boat which I completely enjoy.......now another woman gets to enjoy boating and fishing with him as I sit on the shore imagining the fun they are having. 

I can't imagine not sitting on our deck cooking out, having a few beers and laughs with him- he will be doing those things with another. I don't want to think of another woman in my bed.

So many other memories.

This is what I am fighting with today. How do you get through these thoughts?


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Again71 said:


> You think of your W or H moving on. What I mean is, I am having thoughts of him doing things with another woman, that we've done together.
> 
> For example:
> 
> ...


I understand. My mind keeps reflecting on our favorite vacation place, times at the beach which we both enjoyed, etc.

I think the key for us is to not dwell on that, as hard as it is. We need to stay in the day and look to the possibilities of tomorrow. 

My heart is with you and the others here who are feeling the pain of lost love.

Take care.


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## nickiblue (Feb 20, 2011)

you just need to keep busy. find things you like to so.
go to the gym, evening classes-something you always wanted to try and didnt have time.
it is thw time i am alone that it is hardest to stop my mind wondering, but i have found guided meditation cds useful for this.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

again71: I didn't ignore these thoughts. To me they are perfectly natural and yes extremely painful. But I would feel them and then I would look at the present picture and pound it into my head that that was long ago and now a fantasy that has ended. And then I would share with friends and pray for the willingness to let go and move on. Journaled as well.

Took a few months of going through this daily for it to lessen. And it has.

I'm not saying this is a magical formula other than that this is how I worked through it. Oh NC, too, since I moved out of that hel_-hole.


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

Again71 said:


> For example:
> 
> He has a boat, (normally I would have said WE have a boat) so we spent a lot of time on the boat which I completely enjoy.......now another woman gets to enjoy boating and fishing with him as I sit on the shore imagining the fun they are having.
> 
> I can't imagine not sitting on our deck cooking out, having a few beers and laughs with him- he will be doing those things with another. I don't want to think of another woman in my bed.


We also have (had) a boat we really enjoyed together. I have the same dilemma. I am the one that filed, but I can't imagine him doing this w/ another gal. I haven't made it past the thoughts. It is as far as me trying to make it work now. I tell myself to give this marriage a better shot and see how I feel. Will my feelings change for the good or the worse?? I really don't know at this point


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

again, start filling up your thoughts with your own, new memories. If you really want a boat, then get your own, or if that is not feasible find a friend with a boat, or stand on the shore wearing something nice (bikini for fastest results) and a boat with some eligible man will show up (actually lots will so be picky).

But I understand the feeling you are having, all the dreams you had together, the life you pictured is now no longer possible and it feels ilke you're giving up on those dreams. But you're not giving up on anything just redesigning them.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Dig out some old dreams of your own that you gave up to have the marriage. Everyone has some of those. You know, the ones we had when we were 12, before we started thinking about the opposite sex. Start investing in those dreams. Maybe they are small things, but they will become a habit. It's not a replacement. But understand that the things you had with your ex, were real, when they happened. What happens with him and someone else doesn't take away from that. What is now, doesn't make the past fake. Try not to dismiss the entire marriage just because of the way it ended. That way you can enjoy the memories that are really yours. Without an imaginary present or an imaginary future butting in. Whoever is there with him isn't you, whatever experience he or she has isn't yours. Hold onto what you did have, and focus on what you do have, and move towards what you will have. Let others have their own lives and make their own memories. Stick to what is yours and what you know best, that is the only way humans can really function. Mind and body together. If you find yourself too much dwelling on what someone else is doing, it's really critical you do something yourself that requires total concentration. Some people do yoga classes, others take archery, ballroom dance, take up cooking classes, or something like that.
Focus isn't something that happens, it's a practiced skill.
Not always easy but it does help to stay in your own experience.


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