# Is this normal?



## BRB (Mar 16, 2011)

All,

I've posted before and most recently on the "Infidelity" board. Long story short. Married 16 years, no kids, in a verbally/emotionally/physically abusive marriage, which got worse over the last 6 years. My husband also has a drinking problem and to top things off he's been cheating. Confronted him in Nov 2013 and we have been living separately in the house together. We do not even speak to each other. I'm finally moving out this week. I've been doing counseling for the last couple of years. I finally feel free and I'm so excited I'm moving out. Once we're separated one year, which will be this Nov, I'm going to file for the divorce.

I realize I'm no where ready for a relationship, nor do I want one. Plus, I'm still legally married. However, I have been craving a hot, steamy fling. Is it normal to feel this way? No strings, no emotion, just a fling. I feel weird that I'm having these feelings, but I no longer have any emotional attachment for my husband at all.

I just want to make sure this is normal. 

Thanks for any advice!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I think it's normal. You are simply having normal sexual desire, after going without for so long. Once you move out - since you do plan to divorce and not reconcile - it's also fine to satisfy that desire if you feel that's the right course of action for you.


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## blackdog (Dec 18, 2013)

I would say that as long as you have a pulse, it is perfectly normal. I know that some do not wish to have even so much as a boy/girl friend. But most humans need as much as you are looking for in my opinion.


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## BRB (Mar 16, 2011)

Whew! So, I'm not crazy. Yay!

I'm 37 and feel great about myself. Especially, since I've been able to find a place to rent, etc. I'm really feeling confident and secure, more than I ever have. I truly believe that the individual counseling has helped a lot, too. It's not like I'm not going to put myself out on some online dating website or anything. But, if someone shows interest.....

I think I was feeling a little guilty having these feelings especially since a lot of people here are talking about "mourning their spouses". I went through that process already and am ready to move forward with my life.


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## myfutureisgone (Mar 4, 2014)

I cannot wait to get to that point. Looks like things are looking up for you.  it's really good to see.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BRB (Mar 16, 2011)

myfutureisgone said:


> I cannot wait to get to that point. Looks like things are looking up for you.  it's really good to see.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You will get there. It definitely didn't happen over night. My marriage had been falling apart for a while and when I found out about his affair I was completely 100% done. Especially when I confronted him and he showed no remorse and called me a "crazy, paranoid b***h." That was it for me. 

Even though I don't have kids, I do have two dogs. They really help. I have to take care of them and myself.

I still feel some sadness especially about how our whole history is gone (in my eyes). I don't even know this man that I had married and was in love with for so many years. It's sad.

I really do recommend finding a good counselor. It's helped me so much and I love my counselor. She's been wonderful. I plan on still going once a month to see her even after I move.

{{{Hugs}}}


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

BRB said:


> I have been craving a hot, steamy fling


Is there a sign up sheet? There are about 2 dozen guys here that would be willing to help you out


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## BRB (Mar 16, 2011)

Pictureless said:


> Is there a sign up sheet? There are about 2 dozen guys here that would be willing to help you out


Well, if you live in VA.....


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

BRB said:


> Well, if you live in VA.....


LOL, I live in VA


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

Good one Pictureless!


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

BRB...I think it's normal. 

I know I felt that way initially because my STBXW (Raider is her nickname if you haven't read my thread) replaced me so easily and I felt unloved, unwanted and irrationally thought I wouldn't find someone else (SO WRONG). 

I would say proceed with caution. It may sound nice initially but will it be one more thing to regret? My 2 cents.


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## BRB (Mar 16, 2011)

AFPhoenix said:


> BRB...I think it's normal.
> 
> I know I felt that way initially because my STBXW (Raider is her nickname if you haven't read my thread) replaced me so easily and I felt unloved, unwanted and irrationally thought I wouldn't find someone else (SO WRONG).
> 
> I would say proceed with caution. It may sound nice initially but will it be one more thing to regret? My 2 cents.


Will definitely take your advice. I don't want to cause more issues for myself. Plus, there are a lot of crazies out there. :/ I will tread lightly.

Your ex sounds like mine. He completely dismissed me at a drop of a hat just because some other woman started showing him a little attention. Ugh! I hope I just don't make the same mistake again and fall for the wrong guy. I already have my guard up as far as emotions go.


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## BRB (Mar 16, 2011)

It's moving day!!! So happy to finally be moving forward with my life without extra baggage. I feel free and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. 

I know there will still be some sadness and tough times ahead, but I'll make it through. You all have been so supportive through all of this. Thank you so much!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Happy move day!


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

BRB, I too am very thankful that I found this site/blog. No one wants to be here, but since we are, it is nice to have support. Good luck on your journey! I'll check in on you every now and again. If i need a kick in the rear, hopefully you and others can give it to me!


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## BRB (Mar 16, 2011)

AFPhoenix said:


> BRB, I too am very thankful that I found this site/blog. No one wants to be here, but since we are, it is nice to have support. Good luck on your journey! I'll check in on you every now and again. If i need a kick in the rear, hopefully you and others can give it to me!


Best group of people on this board. Where do you live in VA? Would be funny if we ever cross paths.


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

i live in the DMV area. Fenix and Morgiana and I met up a month ago. We're considering other meet ups. Where are you?


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## BRB (Mar 16, 2011)

AFPhoenix said:


> i live in the DMV area. Fenix and Morgiana and I met up a month ago. We're considering other meet ups. Where are you?


Me too! Fairfax.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*"Happy Home Leaving!" But please be so very careful and discreet when executing your fling. 

Until the gavel formally falls on the D, you are deemed to be a married woman. Although your POS STBXH has cheated on you, it would not diminish the fact that he would not hesitate in making use of any of that information against you in a hearing. More especially if there are kids and custody issues involved!

I'd consider running that question by legal counsel first!*


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## BRB (Mar 16, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> *"Happy Home Leaving!" But please be so careful and discreet with executing your fling.
> 
> Until the gavel formally falls on the D, you are deemed to be a married woman. Although your POS STBXH has cheated on you, it would not diminish the fact that he would not hesitate in making use of any of that information against you in a hearing. More especially if there are kids and custody issues involved!
> *
> I'd run that question by legal counsel first!


I know....will probably be more of a fantasy for a while. I will definitely take the advice (but will use the utmost discretion if my fantasy become reality).  Thankfully, no children involved. I'm also not asking for spousal support or anything from him. I just want him out of my life.


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

BRB, you started your path the same month I did...last Nov is when we separated, but the demise of our marriage was before that. 

I noticed that you and your STBXH have no children. You technically do not have to wait a year in VA since there are no minor children involved. It's only a 6 month requirement. I have custody of D16 so I, unfortunately, have to wait a year. 

VA does have a fault ground for filing but my lawyer (surprisingly) advised me to go this route...it's much cheaper and the courts are backed up anyways. 

We're neighbors!


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## BRB (Mar 16, 2011)

AFPhoenix said:


> BRB, you started your path the same month I did...last Nov is when we separated, but the demise of our marriage was before that.
> 
> I noticed that you and your STBXH have no children. You technically do not have to wait a year in VA since there are no minor children involved. It's only a 6 month requirement. I have custody of D16 so I, unfortunately, have to wait a year.
> 
> ...


Well, I did initially hire an atty to draft a PSA when I was determined to fight for the house. My goal was to be single by the summer. However, we have other financial issues to resolve first, which I've since learned trump family court. Plus, my stbx got himself in more of a legal and financial mess (DUI conviction, car title loan, and other crap) so I knew he would never move out. 

My divorce atty was taking forever to draft the PSA and by the time she finally sent it to me I was in the mindset that I just want to get out and start fresh. So, I let go of my divorce atty and hired a bankruptcy atty. Lots of debt and I truly want a fresh start. That's why I'm doing the one year. Hopefully, once Nov 2014 gets here the debt situation will be resolved and I can file for the divorce and be done.

Believe me I have thought through every scenario. When I first found out he was having an affair and had a good adultery case I was willing to shell out thousands for litigation, but for what. He doesn't have a dime to his name that I could get my hands on.


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

Same here...Raider signed the PSA without too much of a hassle. If you'd like, I'll PM you when we plan another meet up.


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## BRB (Mar 16, 2011)

AFPhoenix said:


> Same here...Raider signed the PSA without too much of a hassle. If you'd like, I'll PM you when we plan another meet up.


Sounds good. Thanks!


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## BRB (Mar 16, 2011)

So, my move didn't go without him starting drama with me. I had planned out my move so meticulously and he ended up not going to work the day I started getting my stuff out. First, he gave me the waterworks and apologized for his affair and had the nerve to tell me it was over, when I had heard him on the phone with her the night before. But, in the same breath blamed me for him having an affair. This is what I'm dealing with. Blah, blah, blah....HE's going to lose everything, HE's going to lose the house, all about him. 

He went from a low to rage in a matter of a couple of hours. He threatened to change the locks on the door and I calmly told him if changed them before the movers arrive I would call the cops. So, this fool calls the police himself and tells them that I'm moving out and can he change the locks. They of course told him "no" and if he did I could break into my own house. So, the police show up and talk to both of us. They were expecting to arrive and have to deal with a hysterical wife, but I was calm. The officer who talked to me was very nice and said he really didn't know why he was there.

Anyway, not knowing what would happen after the police left I loaded my car with as much as I could and spent the night at a hotel.

The next morning I arrived back at the house with the movers and two police officers. My husband was as calm as can be. These are the games he plays. He makes me out to be the overdramatic, crazy one. But, the officers had the notes from the prior day, so they said it was smart that I had called them. The movers had my things out within an house and I was on my way.

A little stressful, and an impromptu appt with my counselor, but I'm out of there and all set up in my new place and feel so relaxed. Even the dogs are relaxed.


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

Good for you BRB...he's gas lighting and you're not allowing it. You're doing everything text book. Stay the course!


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## BRB (Mar 16, 2011)

Thanks...I find all his drama stressful and he knows it. He knows I hate confrontation. He knows I hate it when he makes a scene. One of the neighbors was outside talking to him when the movers were there and they were laughing and stuff. Then this busy body neighbor had the nerve to go talk to the police officer. Ugh! I'm glad I'm out of there.

I finally stand up for myself and I'm the bad one.

It's done (for now).


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

Scrape off...taken from a line in the movie Scrooged.

Separate yourself from the negative people...i'm amazed how much better I feel.


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