# Am I so bad to be with?



## Andy26599 (Mar 16, 2012)

Hello everyone, myself and my wife are having a few problems at the moment, we've been arguing quite a bit recently, and she keeps threatening divorce.

We've been married for 3 years, and we have 2 wonderful boys, aged 2 and 13 weeks...

A bit of background...

She's self employed, and so is back at work already, which isn't helping matters. She's off Monday and Wednesday with the boys, and works Tuesday, Thursday and Friday afternoons, and Saturday all day. I work full time through the week. She also has another business which she works on in the evenings.

Arguments start over the stupidest things, she could be stressing out about the printer not working, or I've left a cup out or something, and then all of a sudden, it's world war 3, and things I did years ago get brought into it, how I don't show her any affection (even though when I do, she pushes me away) I don't support her emotionally, and I don't do enough around the house...

I get home from work about 5.30pm, I spend an hour with the eldest and then get him ready for bed and do the bedtime thing with him, then I come down and sort out dinner, then we get the baby fed and up to bed by about 8pm. By which time, I then tidy up the mess the boys have left, do the dishes and stuff while she works. This takes us to about 9pm. By which time, all I want to do is crash out and relax for a bit.

On a saturday, I have the boys, and I try to do some housework, the hoovering, the floors, and generally tidy up, but I want to spend my time when I'm not at work with my sons, not fobbing them off in front of the telly while I clean up for a couple of hours...when my wife is off on a Monday and a Wednesday, she at least gets to take them to a play area with her friends and their kids, I miss out on all that...

She's always moaning about things I've not done, I don't feel as though I've got a say in what I do, everything is on her terms. I just roll with it for an easy life, but at the moment, it's anything but easy. I'm in the wrong for everything and anything, just yesterday, the sink leaked a little into the cupboard below, she rang me up ranting at me that I should've sorted it by now (it's happened once before, a few weeks ago, but not since) and how I've ruined her day now. She lets things get to her so easily, and it blows up in to a major, major row, where she batters me with verbal abuse, and I try and proclaim my innocence, and then I just end up apologising, even if I don't think I've done anything wrong, just to try and calm the situation. this is happening daily now.

I've tried to talk to her about Postnatal depression, but she says it's me thats the problem, not the kids. She refuses to talk to her health visitor, saying it should be me who makes it better, but that I am incapable, and a waste of space as a husband.

I feel as though I am losing her, but I'm also losing myself. I don't go out anywhere, don't see my friends much, and I feel as though I'm an employee rather than a husband, except an employee wouldn't get spoken to like I do sometimes. Granted she's not out all the time either, but at least she gets to take the kids out and see her friends while she does it. I can't even sit down and watch the football for a couple of hours without getting abuse.

We don't have fun anymore, we don't go anywhere as a couple, we're literally just "mummy and daddy". We've not been intimate for a while now, mainly because of the pregnancy, and she now thinks that I don't find her attractive anymore as I don't inititate anything. The thing is, with a newborn baby, we're up and down all night, so one of us inevitably ends up falling asleep downstairs, so when we go to bed, it's usually to sleep. I do find my wife attractive, and I do want to be intimate, but when I do try and do little affectionate things, she reckons its "forced" and I'm only doing it because she told me to do it...

I'm not perfect by any stretch, I'm forgetful, and I'm like any bloke in that I just don't think about things the way she does.

But to get the abuse I sometimes get, and the threat of divorce every time we argue, is just bringing my confidence and self esteem right down, and I wonder now if she's right, that I am a waste of space, and I'm not a good husband, and she'd be better off without me...

I'm living a hell right now, that I can see ending in one way. Me, on my own, without my kids and my wife, which to me, is the worst thing I can ever envisage happening to me...as I love my family more than anything...

What can I do to rescue my marriage before I lose everything I hold dear?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Have faith.
Young children and working full time takes some adjustments, and figuring out how to balance being a parent and still finding time to dedicate to a relationship.

Firstly, does your wife financially need to work so much? The evening job.... can it be dropped? Look into this. The two of you do need some time together.

Secondly, the house stuff....
IMO, there are some things you can choose to do when your kids are very small. Either get up before the kids do and clean, or leave it until they go to bed. (Like get up early on your day off, and do the minumim while they are still sleeping). Or consider hiring a weekly or bi weekly service to do the major stuff. Spending time with your kids is more important than having a spotless house. So make it happen. 

Get a sitter once a week and go out, just the two of you, even if it's just for two hours and a walk and a coffee. You need to schedule time together. It's important. 

Sit down and work out your schedules. Who takes care of what. 
See if there is anything you can eliminate. There usually is. 

And lastly, try to give this some time. Work on the scheduling, make sure you have some date time in there, and both of you get rested up a bit. Try to get her to see a doctor. I do hope things get better for you,


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## Andy26599 (Mar 16, 2012)

Hello and thanks for your reply. It's not an evening job as such, it's her primary business. She has her own production company, producing wedding DVD's (sole trader) and as a partnership she runs a bridal studio. My wages just about cover the main expenses, mortgages, loan repayments, etc, but her money is really for the nicer things, taking the boys out on a Sunday, going for days out, eating out...We are also having a lot of work done on the house, so there's that to pay for as well. We have 3 properties, one which we live in, and 2 which we rent out. I am thinking of selling one of them, and using the profit to pay off loans, and other expenses, so she can select whether to take on a job or not.

We do need to have adult time, its been tiring with a new born to look after, and she's been breast feeding too...now he's on bottles, we can start to look about having a night or two to ourselves away from the house, and the temptation to just sit and vegetate infront of the TV, ignoring each other pretty much...

I'm going to make every effort to make this happen, because the alternative isn't even worth thinking about...


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## ontheup (Mar 4, 2012)

Do work on it together, you need that time to be who you were pre kids. i lost me in the process off being mummy and wifea nd carer for him doing all that entails, that by the time i decided enough was enough i needed to find me again and put us first, he had found someone else, nearly killed me so not what i had expected, thought we were strong but obviously not.
Be there for each other, have us time even if it means not going out, make an effort to cuddle up together to watch TV even. Be there for each other.


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