# He's there now, getting his stuff, and I am losing it



## photojane (Dec 4, 2010)

I am at our office (we own a business together) and he is at our home taking his clothes. He has quit me. He has quit our 12 year life and he has quit trying.

I feel so lost and lonely even though my friends and family are here for me and supporting me. I feel the only person that can take away my pain is him. I miss him so much. I love him so much. I just want him to come home. 

He is the type of person that doesn't like to talk about problems and lets them all brew inside. We have been to MC to fix this and work on our communication and I thought it was so much better. I was wrong.

This time I suppose he has let so much brew inside that he feels his only option is end our life together. I feel so angry that he didnt give me the opportunity to hear his thoughts and address them. And I would have addressed them. We were working together on this marriage one day and the next he was gone. 

I truly dont believe that there is another woman. I just feel like he may be having some kind of inner crisis and has very clouded judgement right now.

Since we own a business together, complete NC is not an option. The times that we have communicated (email) he has been cold and methodical towards to me, sometimes quite mean. I havn't done anything to be spoken to rudely about. 

I know he loves me. He says he does. But that it just won't work out. My therapist tells me that even if he has clouded judgement, to take what he says right now at face value and go on to protect myself. Which I will. I am meeting with a lawyer on Monday  I cannot believe this.

I am so depressed, which I already suffered from. I cannot eat and I cannot sleep. I am in our home, surrounded by our life and continuously asking myself how he could walk away from all of this, from me. I have never felt this kind of debilitating pain before and I am scared. 

Being business partners also makes this extra hard for me. He has left me to try and take care of everything on my own, which I am finding to be impossible. We have business commitments until the end of next year.

He is my best friend. I feel as if I am mourning the death of a loved one. It is becoming almost unbearable for me. I dont know what to do.

Sitting here knowing that he is in our home, packing his clothes is ripping me to pieces. How do I go back there later knowing that he was just there? 

I am crushed and I cannot imagine my life without his love, friendship and trust.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

My dear lady, you aptly described your reaction as grief. Divorce means the end of your life together, the end of your dreams as a couple.
Working together doesn't help either. Is there any way that you could work seperately until you feel stronger? At home perhaps?
You haven't given enough info for me to comment on whether or not this is a midlife crisis.
Please prepare yourself for the fact that there may be another woman. Sometimes love blinds us to obvious signs.
Lean on your good friends and family during this time. Send me a private message if you need to talk more.
I wish you strength and healing tears. Allow yourself to experience the normal grieving process. Spoil yourself with massages, a new look and favorite foods.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

I have been there, and am still going through it. When I read your post, you could have been describing my H. Same thing - love you, but not sure if I want to be married anymore; I need to move to get my space; I thought he was depressed and really going through some personal issues. He denied there was someone else for months. That little nugget just came out today. My counselor says that men in this "fantasy fog" often deny that other women exist for as long as they can because they intellectualize rather than just go on feeling alone. They deny because, as stupid as it sounds, they want to have their cake and eat it too. They know on an intellectual level that they are in the "fog", but acting on it makes them feel good so why not hedge the bet and try to manipulate everybody for as long as they can? I'm not saying this is what's happening to you, but please be prepared. I knew in my gut that something was up, but tried to convince myself that there was nothing because he would look me in the face and deny it. I don't advocate conducting an "investigation" to have him followed or check his phone records - that only hurts you more. For the time being, just try to breathe and don't deny yourself any feelings. The only way out of it is to go through it. Hang in there.


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## geo (Oct 29, 2010)

weather it was a good move to do is questionable, but I too have the family home and it was really difficult to function and be comfortable in after the w left. It wasn't until I packed up all her obvious stuff and got it out of the home, as well as the old photos of us etc.. and replaced them with pics of the kiddos.
I still have my days but at least I don't have all those triggers everywhere. remember to breathe, eat, and take care of yourself.


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## photojane (Dec 4, 2010)

Thanks guys. It was rough. He said he was coming for clothes. I gathered them up and put them in his closet for him. I made a small pile of things I knew he'd like to have: our deceased pooches collar, his grandmas death announcement ect. 

Well he was here for 2.5 hours ransacking the house.

He took the tv, speakers, receiver, dvd player and the computer. Which I use for work and have files on and he knows that.

So, when I meet with the lawyer on Monday, Ill be making arrangements to get that back asap. 

I know that cheating is common and it happens a lot and most women are clueless about it. But I am confident that its not the case. We spent all of our spare time together. Maybe Im being dumb, but I dont care. I dont believe it.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

you're not dumb. don't ever think that. these are such difficult circumstances. it's a really awful feeling to think that the person you love and the person who chose to love you and stand by you for better or for worse has decided to leave. you have to just try to get through it any way you can. right now, things will be hard because you don't know which way they are going to go. once you know - even if it doesn't go your way - there will be a bit of relief. there will be lots of grief and all the rest that goes along with it, but there will be some small amount of relief and you will start to heal.


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