# Please Help Me



## coolcat101 (Mar 17, 2018)

I am 29 and my wife is 28. We have two kids ages 4 and 2. My wife wants out and has possibly become the "walk away wife". In reading this it matches us to a tee. She says she has been miserable for 2 years. Yes we had our on and off arguments but I never felt they were anything other than normal marriage arguments. In the past couple of weeks she has been hanging out with her friends alot and staying out late. They post pictures and stuff so I totally trust shes not doing anything she shouldn't. However 2 days ago I got a really bad gut feeling and so I checked the phone records. She had been texting and calling another guy. I confronted her about it and she initially got angry but then responded with, I didn't want to hurt you. She is convinced we will never work out because of my actions and she still says she wants to talk to this "guy friend". She said she would think about giving be another chance and go to counseling but still wants to talk to the guy friend. I responded with " I feel that is emotionally cheating" She doesn't feel that way \and she says that they are just friends. However she is now insisting that we should find other people to be with and be happy instead of continue to be married and unhappy just for the kids. Im wanting to know if there is any chance this could work out or is it a lost cause. She leaves when I come home and comes back before I go to work to be with the kids. She says she is out talking with the guy friend. I feel lost and hopeless. Any suggestions? We've been married 6 years. Supposedly shes only talked to this guy for a week and they know each other from school. I have had my moments of regret in certain situations and I take all responsibility for my actions on neglecting her and not giving all the attention she deserves. She is a stay at home mom I work 1 job if not 2 to keep things going so she can stay home with the kids.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Is this "guy friend" married or have a GF? I would expose (your family, her family, HIS wife/GF, etc.) to knock her out of her fog and make sure that her "re-writing" your marriage (which is what she's doing to make herself feel better for cheating) doesn't have a chance to take root with others. Don't tell her you are going to do this before you do.

Her cheating is NOT your fault -- that is 100% on her, so while you may have contributed to the marriage issues, you did NOT make her cheat.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

If you want a shot at the marriage, you need to expose her to family and friends.
you can NOT have "guy friends" that you spend more time with than your husband. 
If it's not already a full-blown affair it will be eventually.

My question would be, what did you do to make her want to disengage so much? You don't talk at all about that.


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## Melrose8888 (Jan 1, 2017)

Sorry you are here Coolcat.
Sounds just like what happened to me and in my case (and many others) once the wife is done, she is done.

As others suggest, if you want to try and save your marriage you must expose the affair. If you can't imagine reconciliation with a cheater, start the divorce process to protect yourself ASAP.

You must prepare yourself for the worst (she has probably had sex with him) so talk to friends, eat well, sleep well, work out and be kind to yourself.

Keep posting here for support.


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## coolcat101 (Mar 17, 2018)

Like I said I am not 100% perfect. I contributed to the issue. We had our fights like normal married couples, i.e. help more around house, show more affection, etc. There was times I would be caught up with working 2 jobs I wouldn't get to spend as much time with her. I also got caught up in the whole every day grind. Things seemed to be in the boring stage. That I take full responsibility for and I plead my case to her that this is rock bottom for me and that I never knew things were in such bad shape. When I didn't get confronted about things such as doing more around house, being more affectionate, I assumed all was fine and it obviously wasn't.


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## coolcat101 (Mar 17, 2018)

This "guy friend" is same age and went to school with her and is single. He was married and had a child but his wife upped and left. She says she will think about trying to work it out but says she is not going to stop talking to him.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

She’s cheating.

Sorry man. 

Pull the plug and DNA the kids, especially the 2-year-old.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

coolcat101 said:


> This "guy friend" is same age and went to school with her and is single. He was married and had a child but his wife upped and left. She says she will think about trying to work it out but says she is not going to stop talking to him.


Ugh. Sorry man. If she has said that it will never ever work between you. As long as she has this guy in the picture there's NOTHING you can say or do to make her see you worth staying for. It just won't happen and it may not happen anyway. As I have learned last year like many others. She's already done. Only chance is to do what what will upset her most but it doesn't matter. No contact with him or no marriage. Not a punishment for her just the facts on what needs to be done if you want to try and save.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

coolcat101 said:


> This "guy friend" is same age and went to school with her and is single. He was married and had a child but his wife upped and left. *She says she will think about trying to work it out but says she is not going to stop talking to him.*


Let’s run that through the waywardese translator...

“I’m cool with keeping you on the back burner until I’m sure things will work out with him.

If they don’t, though, don’t get your hopes up, because I’m just going to keep shopping around.”


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Here’s the thing. I’ve been through the exact same thing. You’d better listen closely.

You are going to be told throughout this process that she is leaving because she’s miserable all this time because you’re a bad husband. You will believe it. It’s what people here call “betrayed spouse syndrome”.

The advice here is the same whether you’re a bad husband or great one:
Immediately see a lawyer and file for divorce.
Immediately. Monday morning. Do not chase your cheating wife. She’s a cheater, make NO MISTAKE about that. 
She will run from you the more you beg, plead, or chase. You rolling over and accepting it’s all your fault and her cheating is justified will only make you look like a chump, and the OM look better to her. She won’t even stop seeing him when YOU KNIW about him!!!

She will rewrite your marriage to make herself feel better. She’s having an affair and wants out. There’s nothing, absolutely nothing you can do about it other than file for divorce and expose her if your attorney says it’s ok. You can always stop the divorce. She likely won’t want that. Maybe if you show strength and let her go and say f her. Maybe.

The thing is, you can’t see it now, but you finding this out about her and divorcing now is truly a gift. You WILL see this in the future.

This is going to hurt. Endure it. It’s going to be horrible thinking about her and wanting to text or call her. Don’t do it. Endure it.

It WILL pass and you’ll see that she wasn’t nearly as fantastic as you may have seen her in the past. She’s a disloyal cheater. Let her own that. You own your **** and move on.

Truly. Whether you want her back or not, move on. It’s the only chance you have for happiness with her or without her.

DO NIT let her tell you BS to keep you as her safety net and you be in limbo. File now.
Please.

Ps, the counseling thing is her way of keeping you on the leash while she gets her ducks in a row. She’s already making sure you’re her safety net for the moment. Do not, fit the love of God, allow this. File for divorce. If you want her back (you shouldn’t), it’s your only chance. You must blow this affair out of the water. A woman doesn’t leave her husband that pays all the bills without test driving the new penis. 
Expose, file, ask her to leave. Yes, she’ll go to the other man. He has her already. Make him responsible for her as well. If he’s married, he may find that ***** associated with responsibility isn’t all that good.
I know it hurts. I’m sorry. But this is what you have to do.
Go for 50/50 custody.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Coolcat, your wife is cheating. Woman here 60 years old, professional career woman, & 38 years married (first time marriage for both of us). She does not respect you. She is a stay at home Mom and has no job. She told you that she does not believe that you should stay married for the sake of the children. Give her what she wants. 

See an attorney to protect yourself & your children. You are a young man and can find a decent woman. Do not waste yourself on a philandering mother. Do it while she is in a fog. Expose her to everyone. They probably already know as she is too arrogant & too bold to flaunt her lover.

She refuses to leave her lover & dangles you on a string, giving you crumbs of hope. Get tested for STDs. Save yourself & your children. You deserve better than your situation. Your marriage will not get any better. Sorry you are here.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I think, I suspect, I know she does not mean 'talking' the same way as you, the normal way.

She spells it normally.

She means talking like love birds.
She means talking while making love.
She means, talking him into, taking over your place. She won't let go of you, until she has him firm in her grip.

Having him firm and hard under her spell, under her way of spelling, her spelled "New Man", new man 'come hither'. 
Yes, he comes in her.

You are an 'if'.

If he does not 'pan out', she will stay, she will reconcile.
If he does not pan out in bed and in every which way to Sunday, she will come back to you.

Come back to you is temporary and is conditional.
Until she test drives your replacement bone, bones, conveyance.

One man or one man at a time, men.

She spells you gone, while she stirs the pot, wearing her long black dress, her big black hat.

You are done, she is finished with you. You just need to realize this.

Sorry.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

His wife “up and left”????

No, he either cheated on her, was a ****ty husband, she left with her affair partner, or he is addicted to something. There’s usually a reason. This guy is clearly no prize. He’s so pathetic he has to go after a married woman with two young children. He’s trash.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

coolcat101 said:


> I am 29 and my wife is 28. We have two kids ages 4 and 2. My wife wants out and has possibly become the "walk away wife". In reading this it matches us to a tee. She says she has been miserable for 2 years. Yes we had our on and off arguments but I never felt they were anything other than normal marriage arguments. In the past couple of weeks she has been hanging out with her friends alot and staying out late. They post pictures and stuff so *I totally trust shes not doing anything she shouldn't. *
> 
> Typical betrayed spouse. Living in denial won't do you any good bud
> 
> ...


Betrayed spouse syndrome:

Staying in denial of what's happening.
Taking the blame for her affair
Doing nothing hoping it'll all go away
Helping hide the affair
Becoming weak, passive and helpless
Making excuses to do nothing
Letting the wayward decide your fate
Beliving their lies and deceit

Better get strong quick !!!!!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Marc878 said:


> Betrayed spouse syndrome:
> 
> Staying in denial of what's happening.
> Taking the blame for her affair
> ...


Yep, yep, yep, and yep. Don’t let this be you.


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

Why in God's name do people want to find a way to get these cheating spouses to stay with them? Dude, just cut your losses and move on. You're 29 years old. You have your whole life ahead of you. Have some dignity and refuse to accept this abuse. This is no way to live. There are so many other women out there that aren't cheaters.


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## coolcat101 (Mar 17, 2018)

I appreciate all the replies!! Literally just got a text from the "guy friend"- thought I would share- 

J***- (my name)I just felt like I had to tell you a few things man. First off I'm sorry man for all this happening. Neither B**** (my wife) or I ever meant for this to turn into anything. But it has and I'm sorry for that. We care about each other tremendously and I want nothing more then to be civil adults about everything. I mean you guys have kids together and we want everything civil for their sake. I know your pissed at me and I get that trust me. Im just asking if we can be civil and try to be understanding. Specially when it comes to the kids sake.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

do not respond with anything other than divorce papers. Do not let this guy lure you into beating his ass, or doing anything that may affect your custody of your kids.
Keep this text saved. 

Do not respond.

Your wife is trash.

Divorce her.


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

coolcat101 said:


> I appreciate all the replies!! Literally just got a text from the "guy friend"- thought I would share-
> 
> J***- (my name)I just felt like I had to tell you a few things man. First off I'm sorry man for all this happening. Neither B**** (my wife) or I ever meant for this to turn into anything. But it has and I'm sorry for that. We care about each other tremendously and I want nothing more then to be civil adults about everything. I mean you guys have kids together and we want everything civil for their sake. I know your pissed at me and I get that trust me. Im just asking if we can be civil and try to be understanding. Specially when it comes to the kids sake.


 I guess that answers any question you had about the nature of their relationship. You now have two choices. Divorce her and fight for your kids. (Start that process right now, as in today). Or if you want to reconcile, give her the option of completely ending things with that guy and going to individual and marital counseling with you. If she balks at any of it, follow through with option one.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

You said you read about Walk Away Wife Syndrome, so why are you asking here instead of *there*? Michele Weiner Davis is the expert therapist who says she can help you try to get your wife back.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

coolcat101 said:


> I appreciate all the replies!! Literally just got a text from the "guy friend"- thought I would share-
> 
> J***- (my name)I just felt like I had to tell you a few things man. First off I'm sorry man for all this happening. Neither B**** (my wife) or I ever meant for this to turn into anything. But it has and I'm sorry for that. We care about each other tremendously and I want nothing more then to be civil adults about everything. I mean you guys have kids together and we want everything civil for their sake. I know your pissed at me and I get that trust me. Im just asking if we can be civil and try to be understanding. Specially when it comes to the kids sake.


Can we have this guy's number in a pm? I can think of 8000 sarcastic replies I would like to send this low life right now.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

coolcat101 said:


> I appreciate all the replies!! Literally just got a text from the "guy friend"- thought I would share-
> 
> J***- (my name)I just felt like I had to tell you a few things man. First off I'm sorry man for all this happening. Neither B**** (my wife) or I ever meant for this to turn into anything. But it has and I'm sorry for that. We care about each other tremendously and I want nothing more then to be civil adults about everything. I mean you guys have kids together and we want everything civil for their sake. I know your pissed at me and I get that trust me. Im just asking if we can be civil and try to be understanding. Specially when it comes to the kids sake.


I would bet you a dollar dear wife was with the guy when he wrote the text and sent it to you. Don't worry one second about trying to understand why or when or how, all you will get are lies. Get the divorce started ASAP, and file for full custody of the kids, you don't want a cheating skank to be the primary parent.

Sorry man, I know this sucks but now you must focus on damage control.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It’s extremely rare to get a text from an affair partner like this. It makes me leery of believing this. But, if this is true:

The OM is either:

An idiot
Has zero respect for you. OP, are you a physically small guy or what?
Is luring you into trouble
Wants to rub your face in the fact he owns your wife.
Has an unknown motive.

You should be very wary of tricks here.

My advice is to see a lawyer ASAP, and do not run into this guy.


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## coolcat101 (Mar 17, 2018)

I appreciate all the replies. My main sadness is my kids. I hate knowing I may not get to see them everyday if she wants 50/50 custody. I can't stand the thought of another POS being around my kids or staying at his place where she is at..
Just frustrating. Anyways I appreciate all the recommendations


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

You must take control of this situation.
First of all, sorry dude, but she is cheating. Now I am of the belief that in this circumstance, you need to blow it up to attempt to save it. Second, see a lawyer, get your rights in order, then start severing yourself financially. That way she cannot take credit in your name and put you in debt so badly that you will not be able to get your head above water for years. Third. I get a lot of flak for this, but, BEHIND HER BACK, go to the other guy, and warn him off. I was in the position with my BF making inappropriate moves on my wife. He was told to back to f*ck off, or I would make his world incredibly difficult, then I told his wife, and he was in the dog house for nearly a year, we also cut them off. Once you get him to back off, you show her divorce papers. She is now in a very uncomfortable spot, one where she will need a quick reassessment on her life. This is where it will be made or broken. You, will be in a good space, as you have prepared for this in every way but psychologically. For that you will need to read up on the 180. That is where you detach from her, and assess your own life without her. 

Good luck sir. Remember your end game. The game is not to effect a reconciliation or divorce, the game is to get you out of infidelity. Whether she comes or not, is not up to you. You set the rules and boundaries, and she will either move forward, backward, or stay the same. Not your call.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

I hate when people quote long posts (takes up too much space unnecessarily), but Evinrude's advice is spot on (re-posted below).
I was through this with my first wife, who was a habitual cheater (Marry, Cheat, Divorce. Marry, Cheat, Divorce. Rinse, Repeat). You don't want to break up your marriage, because you're a stand-up guy and want to work it out. "Fix" things, to make her happy, so you two can get back to where you were when times were good.
You can't. It's gone. Remember the good times for what they were, and protect yourself and your children now. Call and make appointments with at least two male divorce attorneys. Liquidate or move all of your money to accounts she can't get to. Take all of your valuables over to your parents house. And don't sleep on the couch - she's the one who wants to leave. She's still the mother of your kids so hopefully you two can stay respectful for that relationship, but she is leaving, and screwing another man in the mean time. Don't let her spend _your_ money on _them_, and don't take sloppy seconds.
It's over, and you need to protect yourself. Get a lawyer, pronto. Serve _her_ with papers first, and don't be embarrassed to tell anyone (and everyone) that she lied, cheated and left you and the kids. That doesn't reflect poorly on you. 



Evinrude58 said:


> Here’s the thing. I’ve been through the exact same thing. You’d better listen closely.
> 
> You are going to be told throughout this process that she is leaving because she’s miserable all this time because you’re a bad husband. You will believe it. It’s what people here call “betrayed spouse syndrome”.
> 
> ...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

coolcat101 said:


> I appreciate all the replies!! Literally just got a text from the "guy friend"- thought I would share-
> 
> J***- (my name)I just felt like I had to tell you a few things man. First off I'm sorry man for all this happening. Neither B**** (my wife) or I ever meant for this to turn into anything. But it has and I'm sorry for that. We care about each other tremendously and I want nothing more then to be civil adults about everything. I mean you guys have kids together and we want everything civil for their sake. I know your pissed at me and I get that trust me. Im just asking if we can be civil and try to be understanding. Specially when it comes to the kids sake.


Your reply —

“Hey man, no problem. I’ve got no room in my life for liars or cheats, so thanks for taking her off my hands. She’s all yours.

Be careful, though — she likes to sleep around.”


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Your reply —
> 
> “Hey man, no problem. I’ve not no room in my life for liars or cheats, so thanks for taking her off my hands. She’s all yours.
> 
> Be careful, though — she likes to sleep around.”


Really better not to engage this man in any way. Arguments, or worse yet, physical conflict with him will *not* help you in divorce court. Get an attorney, do everything right, wear a clean and professional outfit in court, and get the best deal for you and your kids. In a year or so from now when you meet a _good_ woman you will wonder why you stayed with this one for so long.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Maxwedge 413 said:


> Really better not to engage this man in any way. Arguments, or worse yet, physical conflict with him will *not* help you in divorce court. Get an attorney, do everything right, wear a clean and professional outfit in court, and get the best deal for you and your kids. In a year or so from now when you meet a _good_ woman you will wonder why you stayed with this one for so long.


If he can’t engage OM without taking bait or getting ****ty, then you’re right — it’s best not to engage.

Not replying to that text will set a bad tone for things going forward, though.

Nothing wrong with replying in a very factual, “Sorry, but I’m keen to your bull****” manner.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

If he doesn't reply, then OM knows nothing about what OP is thinking, or planning. It is waaayyy too easy to get into an argument on text, twitter, facebook or whatever and say something you later regret. Better to stay quiet and surprise her with divorce papers. If OP starts firing off "She's a such-n-such and so are you" text messages the OM (who probably is in love with her) will get protective of her. Hostility will grow, and everything will get worse. OP is going through enough s*** without the OM making it a point to be at every kid pick up, sporting event, etc.. trying to show his new place in wife's life.

Don't tell him/them crap. Been there. Just extra crap to keep you up at night. Once I responded to my ex's OM he started texting me 10 times a day to tell me what they were doing, or going to do, or did the night before, on my bed. You don't need that extra aggravation. Talk to Her, in a civil tone, about the business at hand. Talk to the kids (if with her) and only tell them good things. And *talk with your attorney, who you will hire next week.*


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

edit-Double Post


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Your reply —
> 
> “Hey man, no problem. I’ve not no room in my life for liars or cheats, so thanks for taking her off my hands. She’s all yours.
> 
> Be careful, though — she likes to sleep around.”


This is perfect.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

coolcat101 said:


> I appreciate all the replies!! Literally just got a text from the "guy friend"- thought I would share-
> 
> J***- (my name)I just felt like I had to tell you a few things man. First off I'm sorry man for all this happening. Neither B**** (my wife) or I ever meant for this to turn into anything. But it has and I'm sorry for that. We care about each other tremendously and *I want nothing more then to be civil adults about everything. I mean you guys have kids together and we want everything civil for their sake.* I know your pissed at me and I get that trust me. Im just asking if we can be civil and try to be understanding. Specially when it comes to the kids sake.


Bull****, civil adults don't screw their friends wives do they. He's using your kids to guilt trip you. If he was really thinking about your kids he wouldn't be screwing your wife would he?

If he's married inform his wife without warning. Better start doing some exposure if you want to try and end this. They are trying to get you to help hide their affair!!!! That's a huge mistake on your part if you do.

Better take off the gloves now. Being Mr Nice Guy here will get you knocked on your ass.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Better wake up get off your ass and get moving. Use his email against them. Now!!!!!!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Just some facts to steel yourself. Your wife and her boyfriend are going to destroy your family and your future with no regard to you. 

Take his email and forward it to all pertinent family, friends and coworkers. Don't worry about pushing her away. She already left. Yes she'll be pissed because the truth is destructive to affairs.

Affairs only thrive in secret and the dark.

You don't have time to lay in the victims chair or become paralyzed with fear.

If it doesn't work you have nothing to lose anyway.

Trying to nice her back or the doormat "pick me dance" will just make you look weak and unnattractive while her other man grows in status at your expense.

Better get moving


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

coolcat,

first you need to change your ID to PISSED OFF CAT.

second, don't buy the you were a lousy husband BS for one moment. its all a game to justify to herself what she is doing.

third, expose the affair for what it really is, a much longer running and sexual affair.

fourth, file on her immediately

and Gus' response is priceless.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

coolcat101 said:


> Like I said I am not 100% perfect. I contributed to the issue. We had our fights like normal married couples, i.e. help more around house, show more affection, etc. There was times I would be caught up with working 2 jobs I wouldn't get to spend as much time with her. I also got caught up in the whole every day grind. Things seemed to be in the boring stage. That I take full responsibility for and I plead my case to her that this is rock bottom for me and that I never knew things were in such bad shape. When I didn't get confronted about things such as doing more around house, being more affectionate, I assumed all was fine and it obviously wasn't.


Sorry if I feel the need to swear but jesus christ man.

Firstly. You're working two jobs to provide for your family while your wife gets to stay at home. Maybe she has a job from home, you would know that, but you're putting food on the table and a roof over her head. Now I'm not being all male jingoist here, as I'm sure her role at home is vitally important as well but come on, two jobs, surely this is something you talk about and come to a resolution to instead of "walking away"

Second point. Stop it. There's nothing as desperate as desperation. Time to treat your wife like an adult and time you stop her disrespecting you because like it or not she's at the least entertaining the thought of another man boning her or at the worst whilst she's been out she's already done the deed and is now looking to this guy for a more permanent fix.

There are words you don't throw around lightly and one of the is divorce. For a second let's just say what she's saying is true. She wants out. Why fight it? Now she wants out because she wants to get with this guy she's only been talking to for a week. Let her go. What logical steps can you take to prevent your wife who wants divorce from leaving? Beg? Go to counselling when she wants out? Buy her flowers and cake? Take her out to dinner every night? 

Once the bribing for affection has waned what do you think she's going to do..oh yes and she won't respect you more for the bribing in fact she'll probably respect you less, driving her straight towards the very guy you're trying to charm her away from.

You want help?

Go see a lawyer, have him draw up papers and have her served. 

Any negotiating and pleading is only negotiating and pleading for which side of your n*ts she's going to kick next.


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## coolcat101 (Mar 17, 2018)

Thanks for all the comments. Shes now wanting me to pay her for the half she owns of the house because it is in her name as well as mine on the deed but of course mine is the only one on the mortgage. She doesn't want to sign her name off of it and let me live there. But yet her little "guy" can't afford it. Is this true that I have to pay her for her half of the property when she has not paid a dime on the mortgage? We still owe alot and may have about $20,000 equity in it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

coolcat101 said:


> Thanks for all the comments. Shes now wanting me to pay her for the half she owns of the house because it is in her name as well as mine on the deed but of course mine is the only one on the mortgage. She doesn't want to sign her name off of it and let me live there. But yet her little "guy" can't afford it. Is this true that I have to pay her for her half of the property when she has not paid a dime on the mortgage? We still owe alot and may have about $20,000 equity in it.


Time for lawyers.

Do not engage in ANY financial conversations with her until you’ve hired an attorney. And even then, she can talk to your attorney.

Plus her half of the equity is only 10K. It’s not like she’s gonna get half of the total value of the home.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

coolcat101 said:


> Like I said I am not 100% perfect. I contributed to the issue. We had our fights like normal married couples, i.e. help more around house, show more affection, etc. There was times I would be caught up with working 2 jobs I wouldn't get to spend as much time with her. I also got caught up in the whole every day grind. Things seemed to be in the boring stage. That I take full responsibility for and I plead my case to her that this is rock bottom for me and that I never knew things were in such bad shape. When I didn't get confronted about things such as doing more around house, being more affectionate, I assumed all was fine and it obviously wasn't.


Bull****.

If a second job was needed, she could’ve been the one to pick up the slack and get a job.

And how were you supposed to even be ABLE to spend time with her while she’s out whoring around with her friends.

As for the rest of it, _she could’ve opened her ****ing mouth and spoken with you about it like an adult._ But she chose to open her mouth and start blowing OM instead.

This is 100% on her.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

As far as settlement or anything regarding the divorce, child custody, or about child support and spousal support, don't listen to anything she says and don't do anything she asks. Don't let her scare you or make you wonder what if you have to do whatever she says. You and she can get together with your respective lawyers to hash out an agreement on an occasion scheduled for that particular purpose. Or you can request mediation. But before any of that, talk with an attorney. He will advise you of state laws and everything you have to know. However the divorce is settled can be agreement between the two of you, which the judge will decree after the agreements are signed. If you and she cannot come to agreement, it will be left up to the judge to decide.

In the meantime, a few points to consider:
1. Think about what YOU want out of the divorce and what you don't want.

2. You will more than likely have to pay child support. But since she works, think about negotiating for 50/50 custody and no child support.

3. Being that she is a SAHM, you will probably have to pay alimony.

4. Request First Right of Refusal. Your attorney will explain what that is.

5. I'm not trying to scare you either, but you do have to at least think about how to pay her portion of the equity in the house, or you will have to sell it. Just know that this can be on the table for negotiations and is not an automatic given like she makes it seem.

6. Your attorney will get your hopes up just for the sake of you being his client and wanting your business, so don't let him make you think you have the upper hand. It's best to negotiate, but the lawyer will make you think you will come out if better than you actually will. That's just the truth. It's a divorce. Things will get dirty. And judges most often side with the mother, so negotiate in good faith and not based on false hope.

There are lot more details, but don't let her scare you with a bunch of stuff that you have to do because you don't have to do anything just because she says it. Wait for the negotiations or go to court.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Ok, this has escalated quickly on the topics she is discussing. She's not even hiding anything at this point, she has showed her hand so if you hear anything the vets are saying here, anything please do this .... STOP TALKING TO HER. It's not even a reconciliation thing at this point it's a legal and cover your ass point. She is focused on going to war. As hard and quick as this has hit, I know your mind is probably jello at this point. Mine is a year later even. #1 stop talking to her. #2 go see a lawyer ASAP. If only for the sake of your kids. Go see a lawyer and give the lowdown on the situation and everything she is saying. She is 3 steps ahead of you but you can catch up.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

coolcat101 said:


> Shes now wanting me to pay her for the half she owns of the house because it is in her name as well as mine on the deed but of course mine is the only one on the mortgage. She doesn't want to sign her name off of it and let me live there.


It never ceases to amaze me that people like your skanky cheating wife has such brass balls. Okay, she is on the deed but not the mortgage. Basically, that boils down to being a joint tenant with the right to survivorship. IOW, if you die tomorrow, she would have legal standing to keep the house; it couldn't be thrown into probate.

DO NOT LEAVE THE HOME UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Her f-buddy is so damn well off? Tell her he can buy her another house. Jeesh - WHAT GALL!!!

You need an attorney like yesterday. If she has the nerve to discuss anything else with you, tell her to have her attorney contact your attorney. I'm not you, but if I was, ALL further discussions about anything other than the bare essentials would be off the table. SERIOUSLY.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

First you are not the reason for her cheating!
She is doing a lot more than talking 
Cut off her access to your money.
If she wants to go out and play with friends
then she needs to work and pay for it herself
You work to support your family. NOT HER
CHEATING Take her off all accounts credit cards etc.
If she gets upset oh well her problem. Tell everyone 
about her cheating. The guys wife left him for a reason.
If possible find out why HE Probably cheated. If she wants 
to act single make her single!! The other guys sounds like a real 
loser maybe they deserve each other and you can find better.


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

As for property division in divorce when it comes to a house it boils down to equity split or one spouse buys out the interest from the other. If she stays she has to pay half equity split and it works vise versa.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP get to a lawyer asap. Do NOT move out of your house, if she wants one of you to go, SHE can go. Don't let her take the children.

The gloves come off now. Don't respond nor engage in anything with the POSOM, your family is none of his darn business. He doesn't get a vote - he may think he does, but he doesn't. Don't agree to or discuss anything with your wife until after you see the lawyer and have her served asap.

She's not going to come out of this as well as she thinks she is, lol, by the time the equity is split and all expenses are factored in, she'll be lucky to walk away with anything. Pmsl.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

coolcat101 said:


> I appreciate all the replies. My main sadness is my kids. I hate knowing I may not get to see them everyday if she wants 50/50 custody. I can't stand the thought of another POS being around my kids or staying at his place where she is at..
> Just frustrating. Anyways I appreciate all the recommendations


Listen to me my friend. I'm a divorce attorney. You're sitting pretty divorce-wise in my opinion. Why? First, she has this new dude and when women go into something new they go really head over heels. He's obviously a douche bag but she doesn't see it. She's going to be really motivated to get out of this marriage. Second, she's young and still wants to party. She doesn't really want to play mommy.

If I was your attorney I'd get you all of the marital assets and full custody of the kids. How? I'd use her desire to move on with this other dude as leverage. We'd tell her it'll be over super quick and very easy if she signs away everything to you, including full custody otherwise we'll be dragging it out and filing quite a few motions in court including deposing her lover and making their whole sordid affair a matter of public record for all her friends and family to see.

This marriage is over. That's a fact. Don't hesitate. Do as I said and you'll come out of this with your kids full time. She'll get 1 weekend a month and 1 week over the summer. I've handled at least 3 dozen cases like yours that involve cheating wives that are motivated to get out. They always go for the quick deal. Later every single one of them regret it, especially after the new guy treats her like ****, and he will, but by then it's too late.

Don't hesitate! Strike before her new relationship high wears off.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

@VermiciousKnid

Can he write anything into the settlement about a timeframe for when his STBX would be allowed to have his kids around the POSOM? Like not for 6 months or something like that? If not in the divorce could that be at least done in the separation agreement?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Say NOTHING to the guy. Do not answer his text. Don't give him the satisfaction. Plus you can use it for leverage later.

Do NOT engage with your soon-to-be-Ex-wife (STBXW). Get an attorney - she can talk to him/her instead. 

Only talk to her matter of factly about kid logistics like rides, coverage, etc. Do NOT let her know your plans. Do NOT bicker about a mortgage or anything else that's going to be settled in court. Keep your intentions between you and your lawyer. Pretend you are playing poker.

Also, and this will be hard, you have to let go about caring about this other guy getting into your life. Your STBXW will likely cheat on him too. This guy has no kids, can't wait to see how he handles dealing with someone else's kids. It's not as fun sneaking around when real life kicks in. He isn't your problem. Your STBXW is your only problem here. Focus on your kids.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Of all the texts one could receive from a POSOM, this is a Godsend.

It is. 

He answers from afar. Not face to face. 

HE IS WEAKER THAN YOU, HE IS ANOTHER NICE GUY.

A cheating nice guy. He has a conscience, but he is too weak to allow his conscience to steer him morally.

Your wife will chew him up once she gets out of her cloud.

POSOM is doomed. As were you.

Your snooping is over, he told the truth, God bless him.

May every betrayed person get writing like this....Truth like THIS!

Start the divorce process. They are meant for each other.

This love, their new love will fizzle. 
At the first sign of rain....
At the first sign of tears, of drizzle.


The Typist II -


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

coolcat101 said:


> I appreciate all the replies!! Literally just got a text from the "guy friend"- thought I would share-
> 
> J***- (my name)I just felt like I had to tell you a few things man. First off I'm sorry man for all this happening. Neither B**** (my wife) or I ever meant for this to turn into anything. But it has and I'm sorry for that. We care about each other tremendously and I want nothing more then to be civil adults about everything. I mean you guys have kids together and we want everything civil for their sake. I know your pissed at me and I get that trust me. Im just asking if we can be civil and try to be understanding. Specially when it comes to the kids sake.


Oh this is just disgusting. You do not have to be civil to this tool at all. he just wants a smooth ride, eh?

Um, no!

Lawyer up and see if you can sue him for alienation of affection.

So galling that he tries to tell you it is on you to not cause disruption for your kids!

Excuse me while I go throw up in a shoe.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Listen to the lawyer about her wanting out fast and using it as leverage. He is spot on right!
Please don’t plead with her. Please see a lawyer tomorrow and do as he says. An attorney can write tha crap up in a few minutes. It doesn’t have to be weeks. Get custody and get out. Please.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Rubix Cubed said:


> @VermiciousKnid
> 
> Can he write anything into the settlement about a timeframe for when his STBX would be allowed to have his kids around the POSOM? Like not for 6 months or something like that? If not in the divorce could that be at least done in the separation agreement?


There are very few things you can't put into a separation agreement/divorce settlement. The more motivated she is to keep it quiet and get it done quick, the better the deal I'd get this guy.


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## coolcat101 (Mar 17, 2018)

Hey guys and gals. Just wanted to update everyone. I filed for divorce on the 26th of March and we have a final court hearing in June. She has already moved in with that guy. I am now going to focus on myself and my kiddos. Thanks for all the help.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Going back to your initial post, she was a lost cause.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

coolcat101 said:


> Hey guys and gals. Just wanted to update everyone. I filed for divorce on the 26th of March and we have a final court hearing in June. She has already moved in with that guy. I am now going to focus on myself and my kiddos. Thanks for all the help.



Since she abandoned the kiddos by moving out, you should be able to get custody with her having visitation rights.

Sorry, but what kind of horrible person does this to her husband and father of her children? (Rhetorical question)


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

coolcat101 said:


> Hey guys and gals. Just wanted to update everyone. I filed for divorce on the 26th of March and we have a final court hearing in June. She has already moved in with that guy. I am now going to focus on myself and my kiddos. Thanks for all the help.


Cut her off. Never answer a phone call direct, let it go to voicemail respond only short replies about kids, D or business only ignore the rest. No shared holidays, birthdays, etc keep it all separate.

Pickup and drop offs should be a 3 minute exercise with zero engagement.

You can't apply this you'll linger in it.

Start now.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

coolcat101 said:


> Hey guys and gals. Just wanted to update everyone. I filed for divorce on the 26th of March and we have a final court hearing in June. She has already moved in with that guy. I am now going to focus on myself and my kiddos. Thanks for all the help.


Good!

1. No contact other than for kid stuff or financials. All other stuff through the lawyer.

2. 180, 180, 180.

3. She has abandoned her family. You should get most of the custody. I hope you got a shark for a lawyer.

4. If she ever comes back, I wouldn't give her the time of day. 

5. Good luck. You sound like a decent guy. She sounds deplorable.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

coolcat101 said:


> Hey guys and gals. Just wanted to update everyone. I filed for divorce on the 26th of March and we have a final court hearing in June. She has already moved in with that guy. I am now going to focus on myself and my kiddos. Thanks for all the help.


Sorry you are dealing with this ****.

Document EVERYTHING, and I do mean absolutely EVERYTHING! Go for full custody and document the fact that she moved out. You still have the kids don't you. Good grief I hope so.

Do not engage with her at all. If kids need to be exchanged then do it in front of the police station. Make all interactions public. Don't let the stink of her betrayal linger in the dark.

Rooting for you man, you got this!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Takes a lot of strength to do the right thing sometimes. I think you’ve done that.

Yes assure you that things will get better. You’ll be happy again.
One day this will all be in the past, as willthe pain she caused. 

Sometimes people like her come creeping around again. Be prepared for it and remember how much pain she caused you.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

She's sounds like a classic narcissist:
-she wants to 'party late' with her friends while you babysit? What is she, 16?
-she had the cheek to tell you she would consider counselling but wanted to keep seeing the other guy :rofl:
-you didn't give her enough attention. . . because you were working 2 jobs so she could be a stay-at-home Mom? 
It's all about 'me, me, me'. 
And of course it's all your fault. They always blame somebody else. 
Breathtaking! 

R with narcissists is impossible. They only get worse over time. Check out NPD on YouTube. 
You're miserable now, but you've saved yourself a whole lot of trouble. 
OM will tire of her when she starts being entitled with him, his ex-W dumped him & he's a cheater. Not a good bet now is he :grin2:.

You sound like a great guy, doing the best for your family. 
You're only 29 with your whole life ahead of you. 
You won't feel this right now but you'll have a way better life without her.


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