# What don't you miss?



## Scannerguard

You know, I have seen many threads, or at least they are the most rememberable, of what we miss about our marriages or our spouses - the family time, maybe it was the cooking, the health benefits. Maybe it was the sex. I saw one woman lament she missed her husband's bug smashing abilities, lol.

I think sentimentality is healthy to a great degree and I miss a lot of things.

But. . .besdies the fighting and the bickering (which is obvious), what don't you miss?

I was dropping off my kids though at our old McMansion I like to call it. (there is debate as to what constitutes a McMansion and what doesn't)

I drove away not missing that one bit. Yeah, I maybe miss the "home" it provided to a certain degree, but the $9000/year NJ state tax payments, the $400 air conditioning in summer bills, the maintenance, the improvements, the cleaning. . .I drove away and sighed,

"Good $!!#ing riddance to that."

I am glad her and her father are keeping up that house financially and energy-wise and not me any longer.

Never again will I be a slave to a house. I am trying to get it out of my head that marriage = House slavery.


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## Jellybeans

The lack of empathy.
His nasty nasty farts! 
The double standards.
The drawn out silent treatments.
Feeling tiny like a ghost non-existant at times.


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## 52flower

1) His unpredictable selfishness & greediness without boundaries.
2) The lying & not being forthright in order to get what HE wanted.
3) Lack of respect & empathy for others.

Other than that we had fun times & we might have had a good chance together!!


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## Shelly29

1. Don't miss checking in...I get to do things on the fly whenever I want and I love it.
2. Meeting half way when he never wanted to do anything and I wanted to met up with friends, do dinner etc and he'd say he was tired.
3. I don't miss giving 110% and not getting the same in return


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## DelinquentGurl

I do not miss having to deal with his sons' mother.
She did everything and anything she could to be as difficult as humanely possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cooper

I don't miss my ex wife, I think I was actually relieved when I found out she had a boyfriend and wanted a divorce, how sad is that? The daily drama, the lies, the deceit, the lack of dependability, good god that was a miserable way to live, maybe I should send her new husband a thank you note.lol


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## Lon

Cooper said:


> I don't miss my ex wife, I think I was actually relieved when I found out she had a boyfriend and wanted a divorce, how sad is that? The daily drama, the lies, the deceit, the lack of dependability, good god that was a miserable way to live, maybe I should send her new husband a thank you note.lol


I understand. When I found out about her cheating I thought maybe its the wake up call I need to make my life right, even said (during my survival mode) that maybe its a blessing in disguise. At this point I would retract the part about the blessing though, it is a lot of damage to have to fix, but I am using this whole thing to make positive changes for myself. Its slow going though.


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## morningdew

I really don't miss the lies, the knot in my stomach if he doesn't come home/work late/business travels that drives myself crazy knowing he is probably screwing around, the coldness of him towards me...gah I don't miss that at all! Yuck!


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## jason29927

Being with a wonderful woman that I love to death, but could never, ever get to open up to me. Ever.


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## TheMizz...erable

I do not miss the times when she gave me the silent treatment or when she would disapear just before I would go to work so she didn't have to hug me or tell me she loved me.

I do not miss her selfishness.

I do not miss her sleeping on the couch.

I do not miss her sleeping in bed but with her head at the foot of the bed. It was like she was saying..."I'm in bed with you, but I'm not really here with you".


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## Shooboomafoo

I will never miss the plans made by her to go out. Despite the complete lack of household money, she would always make plans to go out and do stuff. Was I invited? Naw, it was always her friends.
Then, a day before that "event" was to happen, she would come up to me and give me that "so and so asked if I could go so and so", " do you mind?????"

AS if she really gave a shyt about what I said. 
As if saying "Well, we really dont have the money for that" WOULDNT have started an argument, and then I would be blamed for being "controlling".

Being blamed for being controlling, when they show not self control or realistic intelligence towards a very dire situation, was something I will never miss.


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## Lon

Shooboomafoo said:


> ...she would come up to me and give me that "so and so asked if I could go so and so", " do you mind?????"


Oh man, I shudder when I read this, this was a near daily event, and I would always say "ok I don't mind, go have fun".

It is so painful to realize that by "giving" her this I was only pushing her away, and it made me feel like such a failure. When I say "I don't mind" about some task she asked me to do, its not that I like it, its that it was my way of contributing, and in the end she never counted that for anything, it feels like I was totally used. I'm beginning to understand this all, and will not fall for that again, even though it is simply the way I was taught to treat people to express and receive love and appreciation - I used to just assume everyone thought the exact same way too.

By falling into that routine I harmed not only my relationship with her, but my own self-esteem because now I feel like the one that failed by not letting go of my responsibilities and just going out to party with my lover. But there has to be some sort of realistic boundaries, her spending was out of control, me going out meant having to arrange a babysitter (and I don't have many people in my life that I can call on for favors like this, which is yet another thing that helps make me feel like I'm failing in life) how the h3ll do you reel your W back in when she has grown so accustomed to that lifestyle? And feeling tethered to the home, left taking care of our child all the time, making my son feel like an obligation like I'm stuck holding the bag. So much resentment that I'm in the process of letting go. We'll get there Shoo, just keep going man!


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## remmons

This topic got me to thinking back on my last marriage. There are things that I should have done differently. So yes, I am admitting that I had problems too, but this isn't about that. I am taking responsibility for myself and what I contributed (or didn't contribute), to our marriage. She suffered from PTSD from when she served in the military. She had also went through some stuff at a younger age that no one should have went through (I will not mention what).

So anyway, here is mine;

I will not miss those days where my wife just suddenly breaks down crying for no reason and asks me if everything is o.k. (But with that in mind, I should have been more mindful, caring and sympathetic towards her).

I will not miss her going off to secretly meet someone at some undisclosed place. (But once again, if I would have provided more sympathy and care towards my W, then she may not have gone to this stage).

The more that I try to think of what I DON'T miss, the more that I get to thinking on how much that I had contributed (or didn't contribute) to my marriage.


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## Shooboomafoo

Lon said:


> Oh man, I shudder when I read this, this was a near daily event, and I would always say "ok I don't mind, go have fun".
> 
> It is so painful to realize that by "giving" her this I was only pushing her away, and it made me feel like such a failure. When I say "I don't mind" about some task she asked me to do, its not that I like it, its that it was my way of contributing, and in the end she never counted that for anything, it feels like I was totally used. I'm beginning to understand this all, and will not fall for that again, even though it is simply the way I was taught to treat people to express and receive love and appreciation - I used to just assume everyone thought the exact same way too.
> 
> By falling into that routine I harmed not only my relationship with her, but my own self-esteem because now I feel like the one that failed by not letting go of my responsibilities and just going out to party with my lover. But there has to be some sort of realistic boundaries, her spending was out of control, me going out meant having to arrange a babysitter (and I don't have many people in my life that I can call on for favors like this, which is yet another thing that helps make me feel like I'm failing in life) how the h3ll do you reel your W back in when she has grown so accustomed to that lifestyle? And feeling tethered to the home, left taking care of our child all the time, making my son feel like an obligation like I'm stuck holding the bag. So much resentment that I'm in the process of letting go. We'll get there Shoo, just keep going man!


I think so too, Lon. 
You know, when you are blamed for being controlling, as a tool used to get their way, you want to prove that you are not controlling, and conceed to whatever they want just to show them that their impression of you is wrong. Little did we know that it was simply a manipulative tool used by a dooshbag of a person to manipulate their spouse. How low is that? The fact that it IS so snake-like and belly to the ground, means that we dont have to take it as a failure of our own, but simply perhaps a misguided sense of trust in someone that deserved none of it.
It doesnt take a rocket scientist to have a realistic view when finances are in trouble. However, being blamed for a lack of romance and "never doing things together" when theres never any money around to "do" things, aside from their credit card funded parties, which leads to further future payouts and a lengthened amount of time to have to do without... Man, its a spiral that they have no idea about.
And the utter gall, to suggest that "we" had anything to do with this situation just proves how completely out of it these women were.


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## Lon

In my case, she never once accused me of being controlling, because we both realize it would have been completely ludicrous for her to make such an claim against me. I honestly don't even know how I would have put my foot down, we just avoided each other. Knowing our marriage was in a rut my instincts told me to keep going with the status quo, stay lightfooted on the accelerator pedal and maintain whatever traction we could until we got through to some dry earth, her instincts told her to abandon the vehicle. Now I feel like I have been getting somewhere but lost my partner and best friend along the way, and she is somewhere in the mud looking to hitch a ride from someone with a bigger truck.


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## Scannerguard

Remmons:

I think the key is when I asked this, I meant it to be in a way that is non-judgmental (and you sounded non-judgmental). I mean, we all miss a lot of things, I assume. I do.

I only meant (in case the ex- is reading) that I am just relieved to be done with that. But other people, supporting that kind of a house in NJ may be for them! I mean when I drove to my son's soccer game yesterday, I saw dozens and dozens of gorgeous houses. More power to them! They keep the economy humming! No judgment. I just love my little bungalow now though, I love it! (despite everything breaking, lol)

I had a person put it to me privately here - "Some people are meant for a high octane kind of life." I am not really, I guess.

And so it goes. . .we continue to learn about ourselves.


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## Zzyzx

There's a lot I don't miss about her. No good writing them all down as it's been a long time since.

That said, I still have to look at my part in this, the way I ignored the warning signs before marriage, the way I did and did not set boundaries, etc.


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## remmons

Scannerguard said:


> Remmons:
> 
> I think the key is when I asked this, I meant it to be in a way that is non-judgmental (and you sounded non-judgmental). I mean, we all miss a lot of things, I assume. I do.
> 
> I only meant (in case the ex- is reading) that I am just relieved to be done with that. But other people, supporting that kind of a house in NJ may be for them! I mean when I drove to my son's soccer game yesterday, I saw dozens and dozens of gorgeous houses. More power to them! They keep the economy humming! No judgment. I just love my little bungalow now though, I love it! (despite everything breaking, lol)
> 
> I had a person put it to me privately here - "Some people are meant for a high octane kind of life." I am not really, I guess.
> 
> And so it goes. . .we continue to learn about ourselves.


:iagree:

I appreciate your warm compliment. This means a lot to me.

I try not to be judgemental, it does no one any good anyway. Sure, I can go on all day and point out someone elses faults, but I will not because I know that I have faults of my own.

My ex is trying to support a lifestyle that is beyong her means. Basically, she is trying to live a "cinderella" way of life. Personally, I really don't care if my ex is reading my topics or not. It would probably improve her perception on my situation, as well as give her more insight as to what I am going through, thus opening up a channel of communication that has been otherwise closed off.

I curently live in a townhome that I am renting. I love it except for the tiny yard that my 5yo daughter is capable of throwing a ball two neighbors down from me. I am about to move into an older house where heat and cooking are provided by al old wood burning stove. I cannot support a life in a huge and elaborate home. Besides, that is not for me. Like you, I am happy in something small, as long as it has at least two bedrooms, then I am happy.

Anyway, back on topic. Yes, there are things that I don't miss about my ex-W, but the pleasantries far out-weigh the annoyances. Besides, life is a test, right? If you can pass certain tests, then don't you stand a better chance at being happier in life?


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## AppleDucklings

I don't miss:
being verbally abused
being mentally abused
being emotionally abused
walking around on eggshells everyday b/c I was afraid of making him mad
his drinking
his smoking
wondering where he was
the lies
the lies
the lies
wondering why I was not good enough for him
having to ask permission to spend a dollar on a soda
being blamed for everything
his snoring
his "poor me, I'm the real victim" bullcrap
his always having to be right
the control
the cold shoulders
being cheated on
being afraid everyday
making excuses for his actions
and most of all, I do not miss......him.


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## Jellybeans

Today he just texted me to "F off." 

We have been divorced 6 months now.

So I don't miss his verbal tirades. 

Or his incessant farting.


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## Oak

Jellybeans said:


> Today he just texted me to "F off."
> 
> We have been divorced 6 months now.
> 
> So I don't miss his verbal tirades.
> 
> Or his incessant farting.


BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Given I am still paying my short term alimony out I have not gotten anything but cordiality...since she is "living off my generosity" as she put it a couple months back. Happily I have not heard from her beyond the monthly acknowledgment of her transfer arriving in her account.

But I do not miss the smoking. Or the pessimism. Or the lack of real conversation. I don't miss her at all honestly. I don't regret her, but I do not miss her. :smthumbup:


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## qigong

Cooper said:


> I don't miss my ex wife, I think I was actually relieved when I found out she had a boyfriend and wanted a divorce, how sad is that? The daily drama, the lies, the deceit, the lack of dependability, good god that was a miserable way to live, maybe I should send her new husband a thank you note.lol


Love the sense of humor dude, that made me laugh! I went through a ton of the same stuff: drama, lies, more lies, no accountability .. ever, no follow through, etc. etc. Don't miss that s&*t at all!


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## southbound

It's odd, (I think I start all my posts with that statement, so i must really be an oddball), but even though my wife asked for the divorce, and there was no really bad stuff in our marriage, I surprisingly find that I don't miss a lot of things.

Someone joked with me last February that at least I wouldn't have the expense of buying flowers on Valentine's Day. They later apologized and said they felt bad for saying it, but I thought about it, and they are right. There are a lot of things that i just did for her that i don't have to worry about anymore.

Now, I actually get to relax during my Christmas vacation, for example. I don't have to spend it all shopping, stringing lights all over the house, and attending two million Christmas dinners, and then catching a deep breath before work starts back; I actually get to relax and just enjoy Christmas through music, old Christmas movies, and a cup of hot chocolate with no stress. 

It's odd, again, that i would never have asked for a divorce in a million years and was a happily married guy, but since it's been forced upon me and i have adjusted, I find a lot of freedom in being single.


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## jdb

1. I don't miss the drugs he did.
2. I don't miss the fighting and screaming.
3. I don't miss the sarcastic comments.
-- most importantly --
4. I don't miss him putting our children on the back burner!

Thank you for the divorce big-guy!!


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## remmons

I will not miss the constant "do you still love me?" questions.
I will not miss her crying-for-no-reason times.
(But then again, If I had understood her better, both of the above would probably had been handled differently).
I will not miss her texting or calling her boyfriend late at night, then her crying to me because she did not get enough sleep.
I will not miss her allowing her 14 YO daughter to talk and date a much older (22 YO) guy and think that there is nothing wrong with it.

I will miss the holidays, taking her kids (and my daughter) trick-or-treating.
I will miss eating as a family at the dinner table, especially during Thanks Giving and Christmas.
I will miss the excitement and joy od Christmas morning when we all have breakfast and watch them open their gifts.
I will miss taking her out on our weekly dates.
I actually DO miss buying her flowers or roses every week or every other week.
I will miss our anniversary vacation trips. (last weekend would have been our 6th anniversary).

The list goes on.....


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## Mrs. T

Jellybeans said:


> Today he just texted me to "F off."
> 
> We have been divorced 6 months now.
> 
> So I don't miss his verbal tirades.
> 
> Or his incessant farting.


 :rofl: Jellybeans, you just put the biggest smile on my face...I needed that today!!


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## Freak On a Leash

AppleDucklings said:


> I don't miss:
> being verbally abused
> being mentally abused
> being emotionally abused
> walking around on eggshells everyday b/c I was afraid of making him mad
> his drinking
> his smoking
> the lies
> the lies
> the lies
> wondering why I was not good enough for him
> having to ask permission to spend a dollar on a soda
> being blamed for everything
> his snoring
> his "poor me, I'm the real victim" bullcrap
> his always having to be right
> the control
> the cold shoulders
> being afraid everyday
> making excuses for his actions
> and most of all, I do not miss......him.


That sums it up nicely. I'll add a few to it... 

I don't miss the nagging. The constant nagging and whining and complaining.
The rejection
Oh, and the mess. I finally have a clean house. 
The yelling, arguing, screaming and the cops coming to the house. 
The being "those people" in the neighborhood because of the above sentence.


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## katy929

- having to look at him 
- having to stroke his ego to make him feel like a man
- he walks like a girl
- him saying one thing and meaning the other
- him making an excuse for not being there for his mother who had a stroke and him saying he has to live his own life even though his mother did not say that when she was wiping his butt when he was a baby
- him always saying i was laughing at him when he liked to play his "sport" when I was not laughing at him. Basically blaming me for his insecurities.
- Him making excuses for the reasons he has not had successful marriages. It is never him, it is always the other person. After so many failed marriages you would think you would start looking at yourself instead of blaming everyone else.
- his voice, last time I talked to him his voice really irritated me he sounded like ray ramano..i was like omg how did i deal with that without going crazy..haha
- oh and my favorite running out on me when I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Real stand up guy. Karma will visit one day.


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## katy929

Jellybeans said:


> Today he just texted me to "F off."
> 
> I would have said " I cant im in public, I will let you know how it goes when I get home" hahaha :rofl:


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## Mrs. T

katy929 said:


> Jellybeans said:
> 
> 
> 
> Today he just texted me to "F off."
> 
> I would have said " I cant im in public, I will let you know how it goes when I get home" hahaha :rofl:
> 
> 
> 
> :smthumbup: LOL...I'm sure that would have got his mind workin'...he would have been picturing it all day. PERFECT!
Click to expand...


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## goincrazy

I don't miss:
-Going without sex for weeks and months at a time (while asking for it constantly) and then finding a ton of porn on the computer daily.
-Pleading with him to come and visit my family with me (after him not going with me for 4 years!)
-Asking if we can actually go out and celebrate our anniversary (only went out for one anniversary in 9 years)
-Being treated like a roommate instead of a romantic partner
-Feeling romantically/sexually rejected
-Feeling isolated from friends and family
-Feeling trapped in a "friendship" while longing for a romantic and intimate relationship
-The feeling of dread I had everyday thinking that I would never kiss or make love again

Whew!!!! I'm sure I'll think of more later!!!  5 months since the divorce was final and not one regret. Well one regret...that I didn't do it sooner (and now I'm afraid I won't meet someone in time to have kids).


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