# What do I do when my wife want to come back?



## jaykay007

My wife left me 2 months ago, during this time she moved into her own place. 

Her history:
She had a child at the age of 19,
She married the boy’s dad and divorced him 7 months later, 
She has been through rocky relationships with some abuse,
My dad and her dad have been best friends since before my wife’s birth,
After her last abusive relationship she moved in with my parents,
I met her and we started going out,
Match made in heaven!
She was 22 when we got married

My History:
I was successful in my line of work,
Steady feet on the ground,
Financially sound,
Very lonely.
I was 30 when we got married.

Now the story goes, we got married 3 years ago. All the butterflies and young love was there. My parents basically helped her brought the boy up from birth and he refers to my parents as grandma and grandpa. I basically knew her all my life with some huge gaps in between since the friendship between our families. I fell in love with her, she was uncertain about where the relationship was going since all the previous ******-ups. But she made up her mind and told her father I am the man of her dreams. We got engaged 4 months after and 9 months later got married. We were really happy for a year and a half. I accepted the boy as my own and brought him up. Somehow I new in the back of my head, if this is not going to work I need to protect myself. So before we got married I had my lawyer draw up a very detailed pre-nuptial agreement and never legally adopted the boy. She was not very happy with the agreement since it sounded to much like “if we get divorced”. Our relationship deteriorated with more and intense fights and actually spending one night apart. We did speak about our problems but did not always found the solutions. She complained a lot she does not have her own friends since the time she moved out of the small town to live with me in the big city. She told me long before that she suffers from depression since her mother died and all the failed relationships. She was on medication (5mg Lexamil daily). She is also considered as a “cutter” (when they cut them self’s during low times and some arguments we had)

In the meantime we relocated to a beautiful coastal city, hoping this might be good for both of us. A real place of piece and beauty and loads of things to do. Now to get to the point, things went bad, she cheated on me 5 months ago and I caught her our with emails and text msgs. She admitted twice she had an affair but recently she denied it was just friendship and that she was lonely. The stuff I got tells a different story all though she read it herself. We have been thought the forgiving stage and things was good for 4 months. I gave her space for the ladies nights etc, perhaps to much freedom and I was warned by friend this is not healthy. If I was not working we spend a lot of time together, I always made time for my family, yet I caught her out again for not being honest in her nightly calavant’s while I stay at home looking after the boy. 
Confronted her about it, and she told me she does not love me the way a wife should love her husband. She told me I pushed her away and she needs to make her own decisions and admit she will take responsibility for it. She told me she feels this relationship is not working. I found a few letters 3 weeks ago in middle of text books address one year ago to me explaining her feelings and what we need to do to fix it, yet she never spoke a word to me about it. I was the only one who talked to her about my issue; I told her she stopped showing me the real touch of love so this goes both ways, the answer I got was “I was not raised up with affections; I am not your mother”. We when for some counselling, she told me in one session she loves me 70% as a friend and 30% as her husband, what does that mean??? 

Anyway I flew the boy up to my parents and kicked her out. She earns a very small salary, I provided for 95% of the house hold. She moved in with another guy a week ago, claiming they are just friends but yet when I dropped of some stuff off I’ve seen a photo of her in the guy’s wallet. I asked her about it and she told me in anger she hand photos to every one but immediately took it out. She told me in anger she is tired for the fact that I keep thinking she is having an affair and trying to destroy her. I feel I haven’t heard the whole truth even with the relationship she had before. The boy is back with her now, confused as hell but I keep in touch with him. She started blaming me for out marriage but I told her 3 nights ago I have had it. I filed for divorce 2 days ago. She signed the settlement agreement with (how it looks like) no remorse. I am practically leaving her with nothing (thanks to my prenup).

I still love her, but I can’t take the pain anymore. Now that we are on the brink of divorce all my friends and family told me she was not right for me and don’t deserve me. They all knew this will happened but did not want to tell me. She is now on 20mg Lexamil, seriously depressed and gained weight like mad. The financial suffering will kick in after the divorce is final and I cut her off financially. 

What do I do when all falls apart for her and want to come back. Like I said, I still love her madly but I am not sure if this will be a good idea to take her back. I am weak and soft and fall’s easy for her manipulation. I am so worried for her, I still care so much. Everything in my house reminds me of her. I can only think of the good things. HELP!


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## jaykay007

Needless to say, I tried everything. Worship the ground she walked on, I spend so much time with her, I bought her expensive presents. When birthday and anniversary comes I put a lot of though into it, bought her a brand new car which only lasted 3 months before she totaled it. Made her surprise breakfast etc etc etc.. and after all this she still left and cheated on me...what did I do wrong or missed?


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## Leaise Igoa

This is a tough one. You love her but you see that she is toxic to you and to herself. If you dont care about your own mental and emotional health then I guess you should continue to be weak and indecisive. If you know that in the end you want to be able to be happy with someone else who is happy with you, then you need to start looking for that person now.


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## swedish

She took on a lot of adult responsibilities at a young age. It sounds as though she is not ready to settle down into the role of wife and mother. From what you state, I don't know what you could have done differently, other than find a woman that is ready for a committed relationship. If she wants to come back, will it be for financial security or because she had a great epiphany and realized she blew it? Make sure you understand where she's at before you throw caution to the wind.


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## pinkprincess

I feel for you, it is so hard to still love and care for someone, but a large part of you knows that your relationship will not be a happy and loving one..

I hear you saying that you have gone to great efforts to make her feel special by doing all the romantic things, i am wondering did she do the same back to you? did she make un expected efforts to meet you needs to make you feel vaued loved and supported?

I agree with sweedish, she did take on a lot of responsibility at a young age but i also beieve that this was a choice she made, she chose to have the baby, just like she choose to get married to you, i am sure you did not force her, so i think that if we are old enough to make these choices we need to stand by them in both the good and bad times.
I see she was married before to the boys father and this didnt work out, this in itself is a slight warning sign. 

so where to from here? she definatly does not sound like she is ready to be in a grown up relationship where she can logically find solutions to the problems that a marriage will face, maybe you need to at this point be there for her if she asks you but not invite yourself in, she needs to deal with this in her own way and time, but it does not sound like she is ready to sort things emotionally.


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## BigBadWolf

As much as I am the optimist in these things, you are doing the only thing you can do for yourself and her.

A woman such as her, she has most likely more affairs than you are wanting to know, and this because she is looking for validation for herself in the thrill of pursuing and finding self destructive outlets for her unhappiness and insecurities and emotional confusions.

ANd yourself, a very caring and honorable individual, but realize the nice material gifts are really nothing at all to a woman such as that.

First I advise you to stay the course, and continue to not let yourself be used and manipulated by her anymore, even though I know it is overwhelming and heartbreaking. 

But regardless, I know how these situations play themselves out, and you are very much not alone, so in that spirit I will speak bluntly on this scenario, from the perspective of either yourself or some other good man reading this in the future.

For a woman such as this, emotionally tempest, a cutter, seeking validation from self destructive habits, and even so far as to throw away all semblance of opportunity and support and love because at her very core, her insecurity is a raging storm in her mind, and so unsettled as even a beautiful home in the peaceful country, will this tempest in her mind even there not let her rest.

For a man in love with such a woman, this road to be with her is not paved at all with roses and sweet honey. Instead this road is paved with the very elements of fire and ice!

The fire, which is nothing less than for such a woman to know the meaning of being consumed in desire and on fire with sexual passion and attraction to her man. For in this, is what she is seeking and finding only in shadows in affair after affair, like an addict searching for a drug, is such a woman so craving this sexual passion. It is the antidote for her emotional insecurities, and to replace the cold tempest of her own doubting of her self worth with the raging fire of sexual passion.

SUch a woman is not going to be satisfied with anything less than a radical sexual relationship, this is the fire.


And the ice, just this. The hard, relentless, unbending steely ice that is her man refusing to back down from her challenges, her emotional struggles, and her desire to run away, to mask the sadness with pain, to build emotional walls to prevent the man who loves her from getting in, because to not have walls leaves a woman such as her vulnerable and likely to get hurt. Better to hurt herself and be in control (cutting) than to let anyone else hurt her again. 

So the man that loves such a woman, so much is such a man needing to be practically frozen in his resolve, just as the proverbial rock in the middle of the raging ocean, whether the tide rises or falls, or the wind blows east or west, to be such an unmoving rock is the goal for such a man who loves this kind of woman. This is the ice.


These things are hard to hear, as they are hard to deal with as I have in my experiences. Know these things I am saying are not meant to be discouraging, or even encouraging, but only to shine a glimmer of light on this kind of heartbreaking situation.

I wish you well.


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## unbelievable

Some people are quite simply their own worst enemies and it sounds like your wife is one of these. Her drama existed long before you showed up and I suspect it will never end, whether you are in her life or not. She can't love you. She can't love anyone because she can't love herself. Happy people don't need antidepressants and they don't cut themselves. She sounds pitiful but King Arthur and all his Knights won't be able to rescue her. She goes through men like feces through a goose. Why did none of those relationships work out? Were they all to blame as she alleges you are? She's severely screwed up and that's very sad. Her life will be a never-ending ride on a roller coaster. You don't have to ride this roller coaster. You have protected yourself financially. You have no children with her. Why would you willingly sign on for 60+ years of endless drama just to be with someone who thinks you're only 30% husband and apparently finds every other man on the planet more interesting? Naturally, when her man of the week tires of her drama or she runs out of money, she'll come crawling back. You can't rescue her. You can rescue yourself.


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## jaykay007

Thanks so much for all the feedback, forgive me for all the spelling and grammar mistakes. I know what to do, just walk away and allow time to heal me. I need to cut her out of my life (so difficult) and even if she tries to crawl back. I simply can't go through this all over again... 2-3-4 years later. It is over and I feel some form of comfort in my decision and know in my head it’s the right thing to do. 

Bigbadwolf, you are spot on, it was enough for me to realise. You just put it on so much perspective. Many people told me similar, just not in your kind of words. THANKS!

JK


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## jaykay007

UPDATE!

I am legally divorced and enforced the no-contact rule. It is driving her nuts, but I honestly don't give a flying f***!

If any of you leaves a BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) gf/wife then take my simple advice!! They hate abandonment.

Thanks for all the advice

JK


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## greenpearl

BigBadWolf said:


> As much as I am the optimist in these things, you are doing the only thing you can do for yourself and her.
> 
> A woman such as her, she has most likely more affairs than you are wanting to know, and this because she is looking for validation for herself in the thrill of pursuing and finding self destructive outlets for her unhappiness and insecurities and emotional confusions.
> 
> ANd yourself, a very caring and honorable individual, but realize the nice material gifts are really nothing at all to a woman such as that.
> 
> First I advise you to stay the course, and continue to not let yourself be used and manipulated by her anymore, even though I know it is overwhelming and heartbreaking.
> 
> But regardless, I know how these situations play themselves out, and you are very much not alone, so in that spirit I will speak bluntly on this scenario, from the perspective of either yourself or some other good man reading this in the future.
> 
> For a woman such as this, emotionally tempest, a cutter, seeking validation from self destructive habits, and even so far as to throw away all semblance of opportunity and support and love because at her very core, her insecurity is a raging storm in her mind, and so unsettled as even a beautiful home in the peaceful country, will this tempest in her mind even there not let her rest.
> 
> For a man in love with such a woman, this road to be with her is not paved at all with roses and sweet honey. Instead this road is paved with the very elements of fire and ice!
> 
> The fire, which is nothing less than for such a woman to know the meaning of being consumed in desire and on fire with sexual passion and attraction to her man. For in this, is what she is seeking and finding only in shadows in affair after affair, like an addict searching for a drug, is such a woman so craving this sexual passion. It is the antidote for her emotional insecurities, and to replace the cold tempest of her own doubting of her self worth with the raging fire of sexual passion.
> 
> SUch a woman is not going to be satisfied with anything less than a radical sexual relationship, this is the fire.
> 
> 
> And the ice, just this. The hard, relentless, unbending steely ice that is her man refusing to back down from her challenges, her emotional struggles, and her desire to run away, to mask the sadness with pain, to build emotional walls to prevent the man who loves her from getting in, because to not have walls leaves a woman such as her vulnerable and likely to get hurt. Better to hurt herself and be in control (cutting) than to let anyone else hurt her again.
> 
> So the man that loves such a woman, so much is such a man needing to be practically frozen in his resolve, just as the proverbial rock in the middle of the raging ocean, whether the tide rises or falls, or the wind blows east or west, to be such an unmoving rock is the goal for such a man who loves this kind of woman. This is the ice.
> 
> 
> These things are hard to hear, as they are hard to deal with as I have in my experiences. Know these things I am saying are not meant to be discouraging, or even encouraging, but only to shine a glimmer of light on this kind of heartbreaking situation.
> 
> I wish you well.


Just want to say what you said made great sense, and you helped another man feel confident about his right decision. Some women are poisonous flowers. They look beautiful and charming from appearance, but they are poisonous.


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## greenpearl

A lot of people sit there cry and cry, they always blame others for their miserable lives. They don't examine themselves. They themselves are ruining their own lives. This woman had a great opportunity to live a happy life, she had a man who loved her so much and still cares about her. She doesn't appreciate it. She is sleeping around, she is dependent on others. If she doesn't realize that she herself is destroying her life now, she'll grow old hating that she has come to this world. 


Women......................life......................sigh..........................


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## toppi

I wonder when you say you still love her. If I married someone and they didn't want to adopt my child then that would make me feeel seriously insecure. Also why get a pre nup when you are entering into a marriage of love and trust, if you set the seeds of insecurity and mistrust then resentment and unhappiness will follow, i belive for a marriage to succeed then you both have to be equally vulnerable and trusting. It sound slike you have gone into the marriage with a superior attitude maybe this has made her feel unworthy and then she has acted out. If we expect the worse it will probably happen. If you do really love her and you want to separate then do the honourable thing and leave her and her son financially secure , then you can move on with your life and find love again, without guilt. If you do still love her and want the marriage to succeed then first you must forgive. Start again with more secure foundations and genuine love and understandingand respect.


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## greenpearl

If she felt hurt when the decision was made, she shouldn't have married him. If he was feeling insecure about all the stuff, he shouldn't have married her. 

Sometimes people are too protective of their money, they don't protect other people's feeling. 

They shouldn't have gotten married.


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## greenpearl

He did try hard to make her life happy after they got married. She couldn't let go of the decision he made before they got married. Is it a good excuse to cheat and ruin a marriage?

Why couldn't she just accept the fact that he was selfish and wanted to protect his wealth? If she felt that hurt, why did she still marry him. Since she was married to him, why would she feel miserable and bitter? Since they were married, why didn't she just enjoy the secure life she was having with him?


Women....................................................................sigh.............................................................


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## BlueEyedBeauty

WTF! She loves you 30% as a husband? She, either loves you fully as the man you are- or she, does not love you, love is something very rare and something so very hard to find. Well, that is true love that is. Anyone can tell you "I love you," but to really mean the words and to feel the love for the person is something totally different. I do not even think she has ever been in love with you, nor did she ever even feel any love for you....


Loving someone and being in love with that person you, are giving your whole self to them, you are telling them that you will always be with them, you will not cheat on them and you will do anything in your power to let that person know how you are feeling... Now, you, you have done somewhat the right things here to show your love for your wife. She though all she has been doing is playing with your heart and your feelings. I do not even think that counselling would have even helped you two...


You, really do not want to take her back- things with her *WILL NOT CHANGE-* and you are right the guy that she is living with is not a friend of hers it is her lover. You, know what he is even though you, do not want to believe it just like you, really did not want to believe your feelings you had before you married her that the marriage was not going to last. You, did the right thing I guess to do the pre up I take it that you have money then if you did that. 


If you love someone as much as you say though- why, did you get one of them? If you love her as you say then you would not have left her without anything and would not have had her sign those papers.


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## Trenton

> This man did not try to help anyone except to help himself to her.


Exactly. He wanted her and knew her history exactly and after having her and deciding she wasn't as great as he though he left her destitute and with the same problems she had before he came into the picture.

Point is, it's obvious this woman has major issues and can shoulder plenty of blame for plenty of things but the poster seemed to see her as a victim until his knight in shining armor routine didn't work to change her and then she suddenly became the guilty party.


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## dblkman

But his decision to divorce her was not because of her mental history, it was because of her infidelity. Told my ex something similar "I can handle the mental issues but I will not tolerate infidelity". So it was NOT him "having her and deciding she wasn't as great" it was him having her and her cheating AND he actually TRIED to get her back....geesssh wasn't like he left her, SHE LEFT HIM TO LIVE WITH ANOTHER MAN!!


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## jaykay007

I think it is time for me to get in here.

I never said I don’t have faults, I am guilty in my own way which I learned a valuable lesson from. The biggest fault I made was to listen to my hart and not my head when I decided to ask her hand. She has issues, a lot of freakin issues, long before me. In my hart I felt I could rescue this poor girl from a life she dreaded and I did fall in love, madly. She shared everything with me and snared me. A borderline triad. She was living with my parents for pete sake since she had nowhere else to go, not even at her parent’s house living in the same town. 

She most likely has borderline (BPD), Google it. I can’t say she has it 100% but she has all the symptoms, 3 months ago our therapist told me it’s highly likely but needed more time with her alone. She refused and is in denial as predicted so he could not confirm. I looked passed most of the signs and red flags. I did try to help her get proper counseling. 2 years ago her therapist stuffed Leximal in her hand and with a pat her on the back. I was stupid to accept that, big mistake…MY MISTAKE!. I never did do more research on it till now. She does not love herself, she does not love me and never had. Borderlines are extremely good actors, had me fooled, had massive fight - got me soft again, assaulted me - made up easily due there key talent of seduction. She kept me in place by insuring I am living a dream. THAT IS WHAT THEY DO!

She had everything during the time with me, everything. I made so much financial provision for her and her son you will be shocked. Thousands upon thousands of Dollars worth, if something was to happen to me she would be set for life. But yet I did it with conditions, adultery was a biggy. I will simply not allow any woman on earth to take advantage of me and leave me with nothing. Call me what you want, I do not care. I build my wealth from scratch and was more than prepared to share, not just give it all away by opening doors for if she wishes to use me, then leave me and be set. With friends and family around me divorced, ruined, and broken because of woman who gets married for security only, no thanks…way to common where I am from. 

This is all materialistic yes; I emotionally invested so freakin much into this relationship. I was the one who kissed her hello and goodnight most of the times, I carried her on a pedestal, loved her, cared for her, loved her son, provide safety and security, when she had her downs I was with her all the way. Sit thought her tantrums, took her physical abuse, and patched up her cuts…. I WAS SICK ACCEPTING THIS [email protected] IN MY LIFE. Yet I did it because I loved her but I am exhausted now. She took me for grated, used me, I didn’t felt love anymore with her acting faded, disrespected me by having affairs, living a lie and then simply though me away! This is what you defend? Come one!!!!!!!! Yes, you don’t know me, and you don’t know her. Rather help than criticize and defend the princess who f*cked me over and over and over again.

So yes, it was my fault this marriage took place, 100%, because I allowed this type of life for myself. I LOVED HER. I loved her with all my hart and sole and she ripped it apart! She left me. I didn’t want to be separated anymore; I made that decision to just get it over with. She knew the consequences. Now she is suffering, reminding me how bad she has it, even while living with the new boyfriend who does not have the ability to provide. She possesses our wedding rings worth enough! I told her to sell it, but she refuse. Why the hell keeping it for, this is the life she has chosen for herself and her son. I didn’t make that decision; she is not my responsibility anymore. She told me she thought this very clearly over and made her decision. There must be something out there for her, just not a marriage and want out, but trying to keep the hatch open. Borderlines, take the easy road… they are known for it. That’s why on 25 she accomplished 2 failed marriages and a son of 5. F*ck knows how many times she has cheated with previous relationships but her 1st husband called me up a few days ago telling me she did the same with him, only 7 months into their marriage. I only find out all this stuff now.

I was warned, yet I did not listen and went along with it. Yet, all the warnings did create some awareness so I had my lawyer setup a pre-nup just in case. I did not force her to sign. I want to settle with a family of my own, still do, just not with someone like her anymore. I know there is someone who appreciates me and with that special person I will share my life for ever. But I will not be blinded again.


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## jaykay007

BigBadWolf said:


> As much as I am the optimist in these things, you are doing the only thing you can do for yourself and her.
> 
> A woman such as her, she has most likely more affairs than you are wanting to know, and this because she is looking for validation for herself in the thrill of pursuing and finding self destructive outlets for her unhappiness and insecurities and emotional confusions.
> 
> ANd yourself, a very caring and honorable individual, but realize the nice material gifts are really nothing at all to a woman such as that.
> 
> First I advise you to stay the course, and continue to not let yourself be used and manipulated by her anymore, even though I know it is overwhelming and heartbreaking.
> 
> But regardless, I know how these situations play themselves out, and you are very much not alone, so in that spirit I will speak bluntly on this scenario, from the perspective of either yourself or some other good man reading this in the future.
> 
> For a woman such as this, emotionally tempest, a cutter, seeking validation from self destructive habits, and even so far as to throw away all semblance of opportunity and support and love because at her very core, her insecurity is a raging storm in her mind, and so unsettled as even a beautiful home in the peaceful country, will this tempest in her mind even there not let her rest.
> 
> For a man in love with such a woman, this road to be with her is not paved at all with roses and sweet honey. Instead this road is paved with the very elements of fire and ice!
> 
> The fire, which is nothing less than for such a woman to know the meaning of being consumed in desire and on fire with sexual passion and attraction to her man. For in this, is what she is seeking and finding only in shadows in affair after affair, like an addict searching for a drug, is such a woman so craving this sexual passion. It is the antidote for her emotional insecurities, and to replace the cold tempest of her own doubting of her self worth with the raging fire of sexual passion.
> 
> SUch a woman is not going to be satisfied with anything less than a radical sexual relationship, this is the fire.
> 
> 
> And the ice, just this. The hard, relentless, unbending steely ice that is her man refusing to back down from her challenges, her emotional struggles, and her desire to run away, to mask the sadness with pain, to build emotional walls to prevent the man who loves her from getting in, because to not have walls leaves a woman such as her vulnerable and likely to get hurt. Better to hurt herself and be in control (cutting) than to let anyone else hurt her again.
> 
> So the man that loves such a woman, so much is such a man needing to be practically frozen in his resolve, just as the proverbial rock in the middle of the raging ocean, whether the tide rises or falls, or the wind blows east or west, to be such an unmoving rock is the goal for such a man who loves this kind of woman. This is the ice.
> 
> 
> These things are hard to hear, as they are hard to deal with as I have in my experiences. Know these things I am saying are not meant to be discouraging, or even encouraging, but only to shine a glimmer of light on this kind of heartbreaking situation.
> 
> I wish you well.


BigBadWolf, you where spot on: This is Borderline Personality Disorder in laymen's terms


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