# What the hell is happening to me?



## confused as hell (Jan 19, 2010)

Ok here goes.

I've been married 10 years nearly and the last few have been bad. My wife and I barely tolerated each other however we never spoke to each other about it.

About 6 months ago I started an affair with an old school friend that was amazing. She made me smile more than anything. 

At the begining of December I told my wife that I thought we should seperate and I left that night. The next day I suddenly realised that it was a lot to give up without even trying. And so we decided to sit down and talk. We talked like no other, being totally honest except I never mentioned this other woman. 

I couldn't get her out of my head and so on Boxing Day told my wife I was seeing someone else and left again!

The day after New years Day I told this other woman that I was missing my wife and then spent the next 2 weeks trying to win her back which I did only to then tell her that I couldn't get this other woman out of my head. And so I left again!

I'm now with this other woman (not living together) and once again I find myself completely missing my wife!

I feel like I'm losing my mind totally and am thinking of going to see my doctor in case I'm suffering from kind of mental illness or if I'm just a complete and utter fool!

Anybody gone through similar things?


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## confused as hell (Jan 19, 2010)

Worth pointing out that I constantly feel sick. It's like my stomach is producing acid as though it was going out of fashion.


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

Well, likely your stomach is churning and spewing acid because you have a battle going on in there.

You need to decide. And then act on that. Quit letting the situation or your emotions tell you what to do. Do you truly want to leave your wife (for this other woman or not)? If you do then please stop playing games.

If you are sincere in your desire to work it out (and I'm totally rooting for that one!), then gently tell this other woman that she may be complicating things - then get moving with your wife.

Sorry to be so harsh, but you need to decide.


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## confused as hell (Jan 19, 2010)

Thanks for the reply. I do love my wife very much and would love to get back to where we were 10 years ago. Part of me feels there is hope that we can get there. Part of me however is scared that after a while things will just end up back where we were a year ago.


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

It's totally understandable to be scared. In both situations - the future is a scary place, especially when we've been really hurt.

So figure that you have to face a fear either way. Stay with your wife and risk it all happening again. Go with the new woman (or someone else) and risk it all happening again with a different person. Then what's your direction?

Remember too that you can't go back in time with anybody. Not 10 years with your wife. Not however many years with your old school chum.


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## confused as hell (Jan 19, 2010)

I'm going to call on my wife in the morning. I'm at work at the moment  and all I want to do is cry cos I have absolutely no idea whats going on in my life.

Its almost as though I have no control and have given over my body to be controlled by some freak of nature.

The funny thing is the only person I would even feel remotely comfortable talking to about this is my wife. I guess that says a lot!


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

Honestly, it sounds like you miss your wife because you feel guilty for what you have done. If the OW makes you happy, what do you miss with your wife? Had you separated from your wife b/c you weren't happy, then hooked up with someone it would be a done deal. I am surprised your wife is even putting up with you...not trying to sound mean....but seriously? Back and forth when you are running between the two doesn't do anything for your wifes ego. 

Detach from both and tell your wife that is what you are doing...then figure out what you truly want. Otherwise you are hurting 2 people while you figure it out. 

Good luck to you!


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## ssdspi (Feb 4, 2010)

Hi I am too suffering from a bit similar situation, funniest thing is that there are more than 80% similarities between me and ow. here is my thread.. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/anxiety-depression-relationships/11075-what-can-done.html

we were colleagues. she told, she dont want to be second, if at all i wasnt married she could easily be with me, she admitted that. Y'day we decided to stay as best frnds forever. She accepted that, but i am not able to get out of this....


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## Coach_Ken (Feb 4, 2010)

Go deeper...there's something going on beneath the surface that you're not seeing..."what you can't see is more powerful than what you can see"...get a professional involved to help you...it'll be well worth it!


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## ssdspi (Feb 4, 2010)

Coach_Ken said:


> Go deeper...there's something going on beneath the surface that you're not seeing..."what you can't see is more powerful than what you can see"...get a professional involved to help you...it'll be well worth it!


did you read my post? And are you a professional? Or had experienced something worst?


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

The bottom line is that you can;t have your cake and eat it, too. Think of the others. They deserve better than how you are treating them, dragging them through the mud and changing your mind as soon as you have what you think you want.

If your wife will take you back again, honor your marriage vows and get yourself to counselling.

Best,

Lyn


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## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

I'm going through it, but I would be the role of your wife. It is frustrating and unnerving to go through that. While I understand your back and forth; because nothing is perfect or even close to it all the time and loving is hard and hard work...you need to take a time out. Back away and look in from the outside...revisit it all. Understand that anyone giving you attention etc. when you are not getting it from the one you want it from is going to feel positive; however it is not all the time. You need to stop and figure out what you want before you find yourself alone...that is a horrible rollercoaster to ride (on either side) and it gets extremely frustrating...to the point that the person may realize, they can love you better from a distance. It is almost as if you subconciously are waiting for one of them to walk away to make your life decision clear. However,the one the walks away is going to be the one you think about for the months to follow and try to get back etc. (because now it is something you can not have and you are no longer in control); while pushing the one that stayed away...again ultimately ending up alone.

Good luck...nothin is fair in love and war; but when you truly love someone, you definitely try to find a way to play fair.


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