# H cheated left 9 months ago ow called me last week... update



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Hey TAM friends,
If you want to know the background look up my first thread 'My husband left me for an 18 year old student'
So I thought I'd give you an update about the creepy 18 year old OW. I'm 32 btw.. Anyways after my h left 9 months ago after the birth of our second bub, I haven't tried to contact the OW at all. As much as I'd like to destroy her, I didn't. It took some restraint, mind you. About a 2 weeks ago I received a text from her, stating she would like to meet up, and that she thinks 'it's time'. I ignored it. The next day I received 11 phone calls on my cell and home phone. I ignored it. The following day it was my stbxh day with the kids and when I saw him, he asked me if I received her phone calls, because she would like to meet up with me and talk. Ummm... no! I told him she's persona non grata to me and anything between me and him is just that. She does not exist in my world. We cannot divorce legally until mid Jan of next year, as much as I would like to NOW! Have to wait a year here. Anyways, she lashed out at me on FB apparently. I'm not sure the exact content, but it was something to the effect of her being happy because she will never be me + some other crap... 
So 3 days ago i got a one line text from stbxh, 'just letting me know' that OW is moving in. WTF? This is completely mental. I simply answered him that I am paying for my dad's sins (he cheated on my mom when I was born, they are still together 32 years later-happy), and that our kids will have to pay for his sins, as he can't tell the difference between love and limerence. Again, the very next day more **** was posted- but I don't know what exactly, as I asked my friends not to tell me any details... had to do with stbxh being in love and happy in not so many words. I don't check fb anymore, I don't ever react, I'm just too tired mentally. Today, was stbxh day with the kids. He dropped them off. A half hour later I got a phone call, I picked up said hello.... just silence on the other line. I waited 10 secs and hung up. I can be my sunglasses it was her. She needs to back off. I cut my hair off completely 3 weeks ago. Guess who got a haircut? This is freaking me out. She's got the guy, she's living with him. I am completely replaced. What else does she want from me????? Both of them don't stop. I just want them to leave me alone. Stop rubbing this in my face, I haven't engaged with stbxh in any talks about her in a couple of months, nothing. Now this. A shiatestorm. Over this.What do you think this is all about??????:scratchhead:


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

This had GOT to be so very hard on you and I am sorry for that. But you are doing the right thing. Do not engage. She will find out the hard way when he cheats on her, and you know it will happen. And even then, you won't be there for her. 

However, when he does cheat on her, you will get the last laugh.


----------



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Maybe you should stop contacting him. Do you have someone you can use at an intermediary? 

Also She didn't 'get the guy' What she got is a washed up musician with a penchant for girls who look like they belong at a teen band retreat(I saw OWs facebook, wow) 

She copies you cause she wants to BE you, but she can't. Eventhough she has your PoS husband, thats not enough. 

Why? Cause shes still not a mother, theres most likely no promise of a ring on her finger yet and shes panicking, and she may be losing his attraction.

Therefore shes trying to emulate what did attract him, ergo you. 

The only possible reason she could be so concerned with you is because she considers you a threat. 
When you refuse to acknowledge her like you would an ant under your heel, that empowers you. She wants to drag you down to her level, probably through a cat fight argument(minus the physical) so she can see herself as an equal. 

Push pull, but you refuse to do both, which is good. 

And don't feel patronized by her sorry attempts at trying to make herself a catch when shes a 6 at best.

If she felt secure, she wouldn't spare you a second thought. 

Seems as if all isn't well in wonderland.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Yes--an intermediary...hire someone if you can. You don't have to leave the house, just cut down contact any way you can.

We've talked about this before...my concern is that you have a permanent bond with your husband via your children. Someone who was your age might not be happy about it, but they'd realize on SOME level it's part of the package.

Someone who is barely 18 didn't think that part through. She had this fantasy image of your husband leaving you and the two of them going off in the sunset (with him becoming internationally famous...). The kids weren't in that picture.

Now she gets to realize, wow, he is in contact in one form or another with his stbxw every week, sometimes several times a week, and the kids are REAL and a part of their lives. Sometimes the kids are cute, but mostly they require a LOT of attention. The best way to push them down in terms of rank in his life is for the two of them to have their own kids--but I'm SURE neither of them wants that at all for the forseeable future.

Because she is barely out of junior high school, we can easily interpret what's going on (unlike with an adult, whose motives might be more mixed). All of her behaviors show that she is in some way deeply threatened by you and the children. She realizes that you weren't cut loose just because he moved out. I think she wants to cement her relationship with your ex--she wants to make her mark--and she thinks she's exhibiting maturity by wanting to meet with you, when in fact (because of the circumstances) it's just another self-centered insensitive act she can chalk up for herself.

I have said this before also, although it pains me to say it because I know if I were you it would make me feel so helpless...but the evil stepmother myth is not a myth. Don't get me wrong--there are MANY fabulous stepmothers out there who have sacrificed their right arms for someone else's children. But keeps your eyes wide open...in fact I'd tell my friends who watch facebook to be sure and tell you instantly about any mention of your kids (the rest of it can go in the garbage bin).

If she was capable of displaying any humility, grace, or maturity, I'd be ever so slightly less concerned. But in general, she acts like she's 14, not 18, and I don't see that changing any time soon.


----------



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Kasler, no I don't have an intermediary. I have no family in OZ besides my kiddos and my friends all live a half hour away (we moved where we did to buy a house in a kid-friendly area. As to her looks, well yes the funny part is I'm actually much better looking than her, even having 14 years on her. I'm serious, not trying to sound full of myself. I would post a pic, but I've already given out waaaay too much info when I outed her.... That's why I've pulled back with my profile data.... Anywhoo, by living with him she will be a spouse-de-facto, which is insane. So now he has two spouses:slap:
My guess is next in line is a pregnancy though. If she's as obsessive and insane as it appears to be, she will want something to tie her to him forever. It sucks for me because I don not want my kids to be in any way related to her spawn... especially because this won't last. I don't want to be one of two baby mamas On the other hand it would be the ultimate revenge if he was stuck with her for the rest of his life after his fog lifts... like I'm stuck with his dumb arse


----------



## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

They're moving in? That signals the death knell for their idyllic relationship. You stay on course of D, no second chances, not after what you've been through.Correct me if I'm wrong but I still get the feeling that if he'd come up to you and was really remorseful, you'd take him back.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Honeystly said:


> Hey TAM friends,
> If you want to know the background look up my first thread 'My husband left me for an 18 year old student'
> So I thought I'd give you an update about the creepy 18 year old OW. I'm 32 btw.. Anyways after my h left 9 months ago after the birth of our second bub, I haven't tried to contact the OW at all. As much as I'd like to destroy her, I didn't. It took some restraint, mind you. About a 2 weeks ago I received a text from her, stating she would like to meet up, and that she thinks 'it's time'. I ignored it. The next day I received 11 phone calls on my cell and home phone. I ignored it. The following day it was my stbxh day with the kids and when I saw him, he asked me if I received her phone calls, because she would like to meet up with me and talk. Ummm... no! I told him she's persona non grata to me and anything between me and him is just that. She does not exist in my world. We cannot divorce legally until mid Jan of next year, as much as I would like to NOW! Have to wait a year here. Anyways, she lashed out at me on FB apparently. I'm not sure the exact content, but it was something to the effect of her being happy because she will never be me + some other crap...
> So 3 days ago i got a one line text from stbxh, 'just letting me know' that OW is moving in. WTF? This is completely mental. I simply answered him that I am paying for my dad's sins (he cheated on my mom when I was born, they are still together 32 years later-happy), and that our kids will have to pay for his sins, as he can't tell the difference between love and limerence. Again, the very next day more **** was posted- but I don't know what exactly, as I asked my friends not to tell me any details... had to do with stbxh being in love and happy in not so many words. I don't check fb anymore, I don't ever react, I'm just too tired mentally. Today, was stbxh day with the kids. He dropped them off. A half hour later I got a phone call, I picked up said hello.... just silence on the other line. I waited 10 secs and hung up. I can be my sunglasses it was her. She needs to back off. I cut my hair off completely 3 weeks ago. Guess who got a haircut? This is freaking me out. She's got the guy, she's living with him. I am completely replaced. What else does she want from me????? Both of them don't stop. I just want them to leave me alone. Stop rubbing this in my face, I haven't engaged with stbxh in any talks about her in a couple of months, nothing. Now this. A shiatestorm. Over this.What do you think this is all about??????:scratchhead:


If you ignore it long enough they will simply get bored.


----------



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

iheartlife, 
I agree with everything you said. My shrink believes the move in is a power play to get close to the kids. Since stbxh loves them, she wants to be part of that equation-a nice package, all four of them. She also thinks that OW will try to outdo me for a while at least, being the amazing one. She'll fail. Just got a phone call..... fb relationship status changed to 'in a relationship'.... wow.... this is absurd. Ok mate, in a relationship and married. What a champ. The situation is getting hyperactive now. Either they want me to go back to the US, flip out and get a restraining order against me, or kill myself. Either way, not gonna happen. This is stupid. I'm off to my dystopic fantasy world, where everybody is normal and I'm simply a single mom. My reality is just too insane to cope with.


----------



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Bjorn Free, maybe until about a month ago I'd consider casually dating him after the divorce for the sake of the kids... maybe not. As things stand right now, I am convinced I'm dealing with psychopaths, so that would be a N O.


----------



## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> If you ignore it long enough they will simply get bored.


This.....it worked in kindergarten....works now.








_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

That's what I'm doing. Ignoring. It's too much effort to react at this point. I've got a job, kids and responsibilities. I don't have time for this garbage. 
I guess I wrote here today to just purge myself of all this revolting crap. To leave it on a anonymous internet page and let it stay here.
And obviously, like all of us, to hear some words of encouragement, as I am in cognitive overload. Thanks all


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> They're moving in? That signals the death knell for their idyllic relationship.


:iagree:
Maybe he will stick to OW for a while out of pure delusions, stubbornness and pride but sooner or later his selfish nature will raise again.
Also agree OW's next step is trying to get pregnant as now your presence will be even more threatening. She's already desperate things are not the way she fantasized.


----------



## Rosemary's Granddaughter (Aug 25, 2012)

Stay strong and keep ignoring her/them~it really is the best strategy in this situation, and it's obviously effective.


----------



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

It seems to effectively piss them off... I don't care to piss them off anymore. I'm too tired of this. I just want to be left alone and not dragged into this with any phone calls and hang ups. Just no contact except for the 5 minutes during pick up/drop off of my beautiful kiddos. And no teenage bull****. She can have him, not me.


----------



## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

You asked why? My guess is GUILT. Underneath all the exteriors that they show there maybe some humanity. She is/was trying to get some contact with you so that some of the GUILT could be justified that she contacted you and you made contact with her. She therefore, did not have an Affair with a Married Man that you in someway approved of it.

ERGO she does not have to worry about the KARMA bust hitting her in the future because all in all she is a good person and you made contact with her. 

Nice to live in a Fantasy


----------



## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Honeystly said:


> That's what I'm doing. Ignoring. It's too much effort to react at this point. I've got a job, kids and responsibilities. I don't have time for this garbage.
> I guess I wrote here today to just purge myself of all this revolting crap. To leave it on a anonymous internet page and let it stay here.
> And obviously, like all of us, to hear some words of encouragement, as I am in cognitive overload. Thanks all


Honeystly,

I agree with the advice your getting to ignore the OW for now but, if the contacts continue (especially like the silent phone call your received), you might consider consulting an attorney about filing a harassment charge.

Wishing you the best.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Have you started dating yet?


----------



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

No I'm not. 1. Men disgust me 2. I have the kids 7 nights a week. 3. No way in hell I'd go on some lame internet dating sites and I don't know anybody single. EVERY SINGLE one of my friends and acquaintances is paired up. 4. Men disgust me.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Men are disgusting, it's why they're fun
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Hi Almostrecovered, good to hear from you!
As for me, the situation I'm isn't exactly my definition of fun. It's exhausting.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My ex h did the same thing, but the woman was my age. She moved in right after I left. I could care less of them. They are married and its 18-19 years later. He has had 3 affairs on her that I know details of. He told our child we had together this. 

I did remarry 5 years after my divorce. I did find a very honorable man. I felt like you after my divorce. I wanted to be alone and raise my child on my own. I wasn't going to go out on a blind date with my now husband because I was disgusted with men. There was something nagging in my mind I should just give him my number and go on a blind date. I'm glad I did, the last 12 years together have been wonderful. Just remember, there are good men left.

My ex is still miserable and cheating on his wife. I no longer have to contact them or see them ever again. My ex decided he didn't want his child in his life about 4-5 years ago. 

I'm sorry this happened to you. Your stbxh has no business with an 18 year old. That's the age of my oldest daughter. I couldn't imagine her dating someone in their 30's. If she even tried, I'd stop her in her tracks. I still see her as a child and not an adult.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

OK, let's forget men for a while.
What are you doing for yourself?
Is out there something which fill your soul? Something you are passionate for? 
I'm not talking of scapism, distractions. It's perfectly OK but something makes your eyes shine.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think the OW is a little girl playing grown-up & it incenses her that you won't talk to her as if there's a level playing field between you. And your H indulges his little cookie, so he does nothing to discourage it.

I read through your story and simply can't believe the sheer twistedness of it. You are a very strong woman to be coping as well as you are.


----------



## watcher (Oct 22, 2012)

I can feel a little bit of what you are going through b/c the OW in my case has turned out to be our business partner. WS is working on how we can disconnect ourselves from her legally. But in order to cope, I do what others have said. I ignore her.
She does not exist for me and it does help. It doesn't take away the pain, it is more than exhausting on some days and easier on others. 
All of the energy it takes for this crap to carry on comes from their end, so save yourself and make a count down chart to your Jan day of freedom.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Oh, yes. I remember. She looks really young, doesn't she? So... what happens when he decides to really go for gold (to coin an expression) and has an affair with a younger girl? 

Your stbx is a menace to young girls. Not a nice chap, in my opinion.


----------



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

I'minlove, thanks for sharing your similar story.I'm glad to see there's a light at the end of the tunnel, although it does disturb me that your exh distanced himself from the children. Was it the OW's doing? Did she have her own kids? I keep thinking that right now the OG(irl) wants my children to get closer to my stbxh, but as soon as she gets her own, she will do a 180 and want 'her' family all to herself, thus manipulating pedo into ditching the kids... 
Is your ex miserable now? I hope so.
Acabado, there's the rub. Since the kids are too young to sleep over (older will in 6 months, younger in 1.5 years-when each turns 3-my choice) and I don't have family here, I can't really go out and do 'activities'. ex only works 3.5 days a week (I know..) so his day is on Friday while I'm at work. Essentially I get no time off-yet.I'm ok with that. I'd rather the kids with me overnight, than with sexual chocolate and his little Miss Psycho. It's better for the kiddos. That's why, I guess, it's a bit tough to just distract myself. Plus, my energy is low.... I work full time, got kiddos full time, just finished breast feeding. All I want is rest. That's it for now. In the future I will become Ms. Eyes sparkle, just not now 
I do what I have to do. 
I did get to go to a concert a few weeks ago though-Mumford and Sons. Cried the whole time. I don't think I'm ready for the 'outside' world of fun yet. But I will be. Eventually


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Honeystly said:


> No I'm not. 1. Men disgust me 2. I have the kids 7 nights a week. 3. No way in hell I'd go on some lame internet dating sites and I don't know anybody single. EVERY SINGLE one of my friends and acquaintances is paired up. 4. Men disgust me.


But your disgust for your H and OW is eating away a major part of your emotional energy.. You need some positivity in your life, however that is


----------



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

I know. I really know. So far I feed off the quality time with kids and ups at work. That's all I can do.. I just have to get through the next year or so. Then it's every other weekend to go to the gym, hang out with my friends. I'm getting into music again now. My stbxh was so bloody opinionated about music that I seriously got turned off to most of it by the time we were done. So at least I get to go to concerts of my choice now Even if I go out 4 times a year, at least it's quality. 
But it sucks warlock, it truly ****ing does. If I didn't have to see this butthole every week, that would be heaven.


----------



## loveloss (Sep 27, 2012)

Honeystly said:


> Hey TAM friends,
> If you want to know the background look up my first thread 'My husband left me for an 18 year old student'
> So I thought I'd give you an update about the creepy 18 year old OW. I'm 32 btw.. Anyways after my h left 9 months ago after the birth of our second bub, I haven't tried to contact the OW at all. As much as I'd like to destroy her, I didn't. It took some restraint, mind you. About a 2 weeks ago I received a text from her, stating she would like to meet up, and that she thinks 'it's time'. I ignored it. The next day I received 11 phone calls on my cell and home phone. I ignored it. The following day it was my stbxh day with the kids and when I saw him, he asked me if I received her phone calls, because she would like to meet up with me and talk. Ummm... no! I told him she's persona non grata to me and anything between me and him is just that. She does not exist in my world. We cannot divorce legally until mid Jan of next year, as much as I would like to NOW! Have to wait a year here. Anyways, she lashed out at me on FB apparently. I'm not sure the exact content, but it was something to the effect of her being happy because she will never be me + some other crap...
> So 3 days ago i got a one line text from stbxh, 'just letting me know' that OW is moving in. WTF? This is completely mental. I simply answered him that I am paying for my dad's sins (he cheated on my mom when I was born, they are still together 32 years later-happy), and that our kids will have to pay for his sins, as he can't tell the difference between love and limerence. Again, the very next day more **** was posted- but I don't know what exactly, as I asked my friends not to tell me any details... had to do with stbxh being in love and happy in not so many words. I don't check fb anymore, I don't ever react, I'm just too tired mentally. Today, was stbxh day with the kids. He dropped them off. A half hour later I got a phone call, I picked up said hello.... just silence on the other line. I waited 10 secs and hung up. I can be my sunglasses it was her. She needs to back off. I cut my hair off completely 3 weeks ago. Guess who got a haircut? This is freaking me out. She's got the guy, she's living with him. I am completely replaced. What else does she want from me????? Both of them don't stop. I just want them to leave me alone. Stop rubbing this in my face, I haven't engaged with stbxh in any talks about her in a couple of months, nothing. Now this. A shiatestorm. Over this.What do you think this is all about??????:scratchhead:



She sounds like a real mental case.... she needs help! text her back and say "look little girl, I do not care to hear about your homewrecking story involving my stbxh. I am moving forward and you can have him. But just so you know. You will ALWAYS be "the other woman" and if he can do that to me, bet your sweet ass, he'll do it to you too and thats what helps me sleep at night. Knowing karma will get you both." Leave it at that and never respond again..... You could also get a restraining order on her for harrassment! Tell them you don't want her around your children either and she'll have to move out lol.....


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Hope at least you got a BOB!
Just wanted to bring some levity here, please don't take me wrong.


----------



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Acabado, I went pixie. Looks swell actually. I thought it would turn men off completely (I wanted to look asexual), but funny enough, I've been getting lots of male attention, which I do not care for, but it's still flattering .... Guess I ain't dead yet


----------



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

^ Not all men are egotistical PoSs ya know. 

Don't let that sorry excuse for a husband change your attitude on life.


----------



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Update. So she moved in a couple of weeks ago. I'm doing surprising well. I guess now they can taste reality. My stbxh has been pleasant although has been having these little emotional outbursts about the kids, guilt I guess. 
Anyways, back in my bizzaro world I was talking to my sibling back in the US, and she told me something screwy. Apparently she hasn't gone on FB in a while and two days ago finally had time to mess around and check her fb. So she went into her friend requests, and lo and behold OW friend requested her.... from OZ.... my sister... WTF? What? What the hell is going on here? I don't know what world I am living in, but I'm this is mental. Any thoughts? Also, got another phone call hang up on stbxh kid drop off day, like two weeks ago... I don't get telemarketers and only 4 of my friends have my house #. My family calls during the night (time difference). So my guess is now that she has my # it was her. Again. I asked my stbxh to get his name off the phone plan so I can request caller ID. This is getting old. I don't want to be a part of this bull****, and yet, I seem to be the main cast. Why? Why am I even wondering about this? I need a life. Without her in it! I'm trying here, but she seems hell bent on letting me know she's here to stay. Laaame.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

The only answer to any of her shenanigans is that she's playing the game the way they do it in junior high. If I recall the movie Mean Girls correctly, she will next steal all your friends, try to make you fat, and be sure to find a way to give you pimples.

She is always going to try, in various ways, to suck you back into drama. She might, after all, have the juvenile idea that someday you are all going to be 'friends,' because that is how they do it in the movies. 

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Remember your mantra: the best revenge is indifference. When you get worked about her, when you give an ounce of energy or emotion in her direction, you are (ever so slightly) letting her win.

That is why, if she ever does manage to trick you into seeing one another face-to-face, or speaking on the phone, you are going to practice showing her zero, zero emotion. You are going to find every bit of self-control you possess in your body and you are not going to lower yourself to anything approaching her level.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

At 18 yo this is pure entertainment. She is practically a child herself and is probably suprised at the power she has to affect the lives of adults. Adults with children no less. playing house because it is exciting. She may be calling you to keep up the drama. Don't provide entertainment. 

I think you are doing the right thing, providing as little dramatic stimulation to them as possible. The 18 yo will get bored with this situation when things quiet down and she has to deal with living with a man with whom she has nothing in common. 

She'll find some guy closer to her age and stage in life and dump the old man when boredom sets in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This IS truly bizarre. It's like you had this normal, reasonable life and then things just went...off. With a husband acting out with a teenager and said teenager plaguing you because she perhaps needs to see herself as your equal...or she's thinking in her little girl way that this shows she's taking the high road...or she's really insecure and needs to make sure you understand that she 'won' or...well, who will ever really know?

Do these sophomoric games make it easier? I mean, does it help in any way that this girl is a window into your ex-H's real personality?


----------



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

alte Dame, I'm not sure if it helps. It makes me ashamed that I could misjudge my stbxh to this degree. I though he was a good guy.... He actually never gave me butterflies per se, but I thought he was a kind soul who would never hurt me, and THAT"s why I loved him so much. We had trust. 
It is bizarre. I'm trying to figure out if I'm actually the mental one, and everybody else is sane.... I mean if they all find it acceptable, then maybe it is? Maybe I'm the only one with some old school morals? Nope. No. But it makes me question my sanity all the same. I just want to wake up out of this nightmare. When I was in high school I never had any drama-I was steady and didn't involve myself in teen issues, and here they are... Biting me in the ass at 32.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Honeystly said:


> It is bizarre. I'm trying to figure out if I'm actually the mental one, and everybody else is sane.... I mean if they all find it acceptable, then maybe it is? Maybe I'm the only one with some old school morals?


No, no, no, no. It's not anywhere near old school morals. It's a matter of maturity and decency, things that should be timeless.

I think when surreal things happen like this, the onlookers, the people who are tangentially involved, really don't know what to do. They don't want to get involved, or they don't want to 'judge,' or they speak their minds behind closed doors, but won't rock the boat. I will bet anything that there are plenty of people around you who do not approve of what your H has done.

Have you given any more thought to moving? A fresh start might help.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Honeystly said:


> It is bizarre. I'm trying to figure out if I'm actually the mental one, and everybody else is sane.... I mean if they all find it acceptable, then maybe it is?


Look, a big reason why you are feeling this way is that they don't prosecute men for statutory rape there in Australia (or at least where you are) like they do in the United States. I'm not saying you would have done such a thing (which would have involved having your H arrested, with her getting off scott free), but I think this is part of your sensation of craziness.

No, it is NOT normal for the parents of a teenage girl to think it's just dandy that she's taken up with a man over 10 years older who also happens to have a toddler, a newborn, and a loving wife at home. I realize that they've probably been fed some line about what an awful person you are...but really, having a blatant affair with him? tweeting about it and putting it on FB? singing with his band and playing the groupie while he was still living with you, etc.? That stuff is off the charts wacko.

I'm not sure who is MORE wacko, her or her parents. Just the mere thought of a daughter of mine taking up with her much older music teacher from high school before he's even left the house, with two tiny children at home (which signals to strangers--the marriage was DECENT and likely GOOD until quite recently) blows my mind.

I still think you should move back to the States, if you have a place to go. I sense that you might not have a place here that you like as well? In that case I realize that you may prefer to make your life where you are, why let them chase you off. But part of that sensation that you are the crazy one is that you're so isolated. You would heal so much better, and faster, with people around you who loved you. Really think hard about that, please.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I don't know what the equivalent of Craigslist and dating sites is in O! But I suggest you post the OW on them with her telephone number. That way she can busy answering those calls.


----------



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

I am actually shaking right now. I texted stbxh asking him to please just leave me alone. He replied that ow is not the bad person in this (i guess i am!) and that she has paid for my phone bill and kids daycare so many times now. Oh MY GOD! I asked this dirtbag to get his stupid name off the phone bill 9 months ago, every week and he couldn't be bothered. I can't do it because it's in his name. We split daycare and that's the only help i get. SHE paid for it??? He's mooching of an 18 year old????? He lost his mind. As for her, so she ****s up my family, breaks something just to fix it. I can't handle much more of this everybody. I'm in a really really bad place at the moment. Really bad. I can't deal with this **** anymore. And I'm supposed to what, be thankful????? God help me.


----------



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Sick ****!


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Okay. The phone..

You can walk into Crazy Johns and grab a phone on a $19 plan You will not be able to take the number. He will need to release it which he won't . You can get a new number and DO NOT TELL HIM you are doing this. 
Keep the old phone and number as your dedicated Fckwit line. 
You don't pay anything for it. When he gets really upset about that after a couple more months you breezliy tell him to cut it off.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

When I lived in Europe I had many friends who were in cross-cultural marriages. Almost all of them wound up divorcing, which left an enormous mess re the children. The husbands had no intention of taking primary caretaking responsibility & the wives eventually wanted to move back to the US. They all managed to make the move, although there was a tremendous amount of legal wrangling and bad will involved.

You're living in a twilight zone that your crazy husband created. And let's call a spade a spade - the OG and her family are mental cases, but your H is the worst of the bunch with his destructive arrested development. You didn't sign on for that & shouldn't be sentenced to a lifetime of this insult and aggravation.

If you can't get back home, can you at least start organizing a move away from your toxic H? Can you move to another city? Just get away from him?


----------



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Yeah honestly you can get some really really cheap plans for like 15 bucks a month or so.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

As some one who grew up having a similar (but not quite the same) experience as your kids, your kids are going to grow up miserable. And it's all going to be the fault of your husband, who is a selfish bastard. Over time, I'm willing to bet they will want nothing to do with him, nor her. They more he becomes insistent he becomes that the kids accept her, the more the kids will grow to resent him and push back and when they do, that's where the fun starts.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Honeystly said:


> I am actually shaking right now. I texted stbxh asking him to please just leave me alone. He replied that ow is not the bad person in this (i guess i am!) and that she has paid for my phone bill and kids daycare so many times now. Oh MY GOD! I asked this dirtbag to get his stupid name off the phone bill 9 months ago, every week and he couldn't be bothered. I can't do it because it's in his name. We split daycare and that's the only help i get. SHE paid for it??? He's mooching of an 18 year old????? He lost his mind. As for her, so she ****s up my family, breaks something just to fix it. I can't handle much more of this everybody. I'm in a really really bad place at the moment. Really bad. I can't deal with this **** anymore. And I'm supposed to what, be thankful????? God help me.


Can you find more cheap / free counseling? Maybe through a local church. You really need someone on YOUR side who is just going to sit and listen and tell you that you aren't crazy and you will get through this. Because that is the truth. You need an ally you can trust who is there in real life. We can serve that function here on the forum, but only up to a point.

I know it's shocking to you that she's paying for this stuff, but really "she" is paying for daycare and your phone? An 18 year old who what...sings sometimes with your husband's band (I bet they really pay well...not). What day job can she possibly have--a barrista? No, this is money that must be coming from somewhere else, like a trust fund or mummy and dada who give her extra spending money.

I don't see this is as something to be angry about. I realize that you are disgusted and you want no association with her, but the truth is that is what your husband did to you--you supported him with his music career. He just found someone else to do the same. 

I also don't think he was saying "you" are the bad guy, I think he means that he is. But that is just him getting pressure from two women on either end, and now he's got to try to make peace. I know it's hard to do, but you've got to sit back and take a little giggle at the pickle he's put HIMSELF into. Where before he had just one wife who maybe needed more attention / help at home / figure out how to pay the bills / keep track of his whereabouts--now he's found a way to have two of them! I am not comparing you to his disgusting little girlie when I say this. I'm merely pointing out that he thought he was escaping all his problems, but as the weeks go by it will be more and more apparent to him that he really made things much worse. And he deserves all that he has coming to him.

I know you want him out of your life, but there's really only one way to do that effectively, and that is to move away from the lot of them. If you don't want to do that, for other reasons, please, as I said just now, find a good, free local counselor, I'm sure if you look into it you will find someone who can be a big support to you.


----------



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Thanks iheartlife for your support throughout my stupid drama. You are amazing. Yes, I do have a phenomenal shrink and I will book an appointment tomorrow-that was my plan. I do love living in OZ, so that's where I shall remain. As to the moron paying for the other moron.... it's just pathetic. I know she's thinking she's supporting 'her' kids now, and that's what enrages me. He's useless and she's actually crazy, I believe. She told my ex that her reasoning behind requesting my sister on fb, was because she (sis) signed up with her (i guess on her 'musical'/bash me page), and so if she wanted to be chummy let's do it. I called my sis today to ask her about it. Her reply: absolutely not, I'm not a fan. My sister is nearly 40, what would she want from this kid? That's what I mean by not being in a good place. I actually doubted my sister for a minute! Her and myself.... my take on reality to be exact. They are beginning to scare me. I believe they're pretty unstable. She drives it. He's a puppet. I need divine intervention. What do they want from me??????!!!!!!!


----------



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

She's a liar. She lies to him and he believes it. But I know better.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Your STBXH knows the effect her actions have on you. Who would say "she is not a bad person" about the OW to the woman he betrayed? He is crazy. 

I suspect, from what you describe that you are a very important presence in this dynamic. In fact I think that without you there would be no relationship. Sounds crazy but you know your situation. Does that ring true. If it does you have to wonder what pathology on your husbands part makes it true. 

You described your relationship as good before this. I wonder if that was true for him. Some people are too nice. They hide anger , rage and frustrations. They go along to get along all the while collecting resentment. Could this be your husband? Was he very nice and complient? Did you argue? If not, that is a bad sign. He may have hid his feelings. 

If this is do, what he is doing now may be revenge on you. He picked the most vulnerable time to leave you and the most implausible person to enter into a relationship with. She is so young that he can manipulate her to make you the center of the relationship. An older woman would not want to be a puppet. Think out side of the box to get a handle in what is going on. 

It is important to remove the mystery so that you put your mind at ease and stay one step ahead. Try to control your reactivity. Don't react to her intrusions. Go completely dark. Talk only about your child. Ignore anything else. 

I think you will see an escalation in efforts to draw you in. That may make it difficult to stay dark but do it. When this all plays out, you will pity you husband because he is the one who is broken. He will deeply regret what he did fir the rest of his life i think. 

He does not know that what he had with you is difficult to find. He will have a hard time finding it again, if at all. You sound like a rare, secure and sane woman. 

The girl is just being a girl. She is not the problem. Your husband is being pathologic

I am guessing but think about it. .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Without you as the enemy OW would have nothing. She needs you as antagonist, the 3rd leg. XH is barely coping.


----------



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

honeystly,

you are dealing with a child with no experience in the real world, she is obsessed with you for her you are the woman he married who he had children with. 
she knows your worth.
your importance.
she will wake up one day and understand she is also being taken advantage of.
if i were you i would. not give her or them the time of day, when ypu speak to your x tell him you arent interested in knowing anything about her at all or his life with her, i would not engage if he tries walk away he will get the message sooner or later.
treat him like a child if you have to redrect the conversation to the kids only the weather thats it.
she is t worth your time, you worry about you and what makes you comfortable dont let het seep in, let them experience real life with all the probems they will have themselves the honeymoon stage is about to explode tey will soon realize what a mistake they have made, let nature take its course 
quietly sit back and enjoy the show, dont say a word redirect when needed, walk away to get point acroos that you will no longer engage in any drama, take away her play toy, she will ave to just be her lets see if he likes her then.
take care of your babies, concentrate on making yourself a person of integrity and honesty.
you sound like your there already
jessi


----------



## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

Hello,Hope you are doing better today.I have been reading your post for quite sometime now ;
I liked the suggestion of you having anew phone;you can check this old phone just for calls for the weekly visit from your EX;;;do not give him the new number;;;;;
deactivate your face book account and let your family know all;;;;;;;

She is 18 and I really feel your husband should be REPORTED to the girl's parents;he does not seem to be alright mentally;;;
I sincerely feel you are better off without him in real life;;;;;;All this drama will die in a few days;;;Whatever she thinks your children are never going to become hers;;;let her play her dirty twisted doll house with your STBX;she will grow out of it max in afew months to a year and half.....thats all;and see what the real world is like....

And I strongly feel that the STBX will come back to you begging in some time;;;; do not ever pay heed to him again in life;;;i pity the manupulative 18 year old ;but the main culprit is the STBX;he seems to enjoy all this drama;;;must be having a twisted complex ugly mind;;;;;

Though taking care of kids,job etc must leave you with little time but gradually form a healthy network of friends through your local church or if possible through community service groups;;;;;Once you have a healthy network of people,all this pain and distortion will vanish;;

I am also 30 and have the same values ;I also used to wonder whether I am the one who is insane for having old-school values;;;;;;But the truth is values are timeless and that is what makes us human 'human'


----------



## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

Their relationship won't last. I give it a year, tops.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

> Biting me in the ass at 32.


Because you are too nice.

I think a restraining orderis in your future or your attorney sends a nice legal letter to her to knock it off with the harassing phone calls/FB posts.

I understand your hating men right now. I get it. But hate your WH instead. 

And one more thing, when a really cute girl cuts her hair off for that unattractive pixie look (to thwart off men) many men will find that woman even more attractive. nice try Honestly.:rofl:


----------



## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

leave or else you continue to suffer


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I know I'm a guy but I'll write you anyway. A lot of what you are going through is horribly normal in the extreme fantasy type of affair. It's all fantasy but there are a couple that really are out their with the fairies. 
1. Both AP married with kids who believe they can skip into the sunset.. 
2. Much younger or much older AP.

YOU are as important in the affair. For them to have any sort of relationship at all YOU need to be involved. Just to dissuade you from engaging with them at all. 
Think of it this way. You are making their sex life better. 

They are getting off on the attention. Any attention is better than none which is why they are trying to engage you at any level they can .
The more you detach the more extreme the attention grabbing actions will be. 

The more pain you show and feel the happier they will be. Not because they want you to be unhappy, but because they have nothing else in common. 
YOU are the thing they have in common and without you, they are two rather pathetic people in a pathetic and doomed relationship. 

To make matters worse they will be blaming you for any failures in their relationship. 
They can not win unless you let them.

My psyche had some very good advise. 

When you see your ex. Assume an open posture, remove the defenses. See what happens. 
In my case I stopped getting attacked because if you do that there is nothing to attack. The ex all of a sudden looked at me and realized that there was not one word she could say [and she used all her armory] that had any effect at all other than me gently changing the subject.

Her 18 month relationship with the AP was dead in weeks because I was not there. gone. LET GO. 

not that I cared beyond academic interest anymore. Bear in mind I was married for 25 years and have two kids. This was not easy to achieve. Worth it though.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Honeystly said:


> Acabado, I went pixie. Looks swell actually. I thought it would turn men off completely (I wanted to look asexual), but funny enough, I've been getting lots of male attention, which I do not care for, but it's still flattering .... Guess I ain't dead yet


You went Pixie??? OMG! I don't know what it is about that look but I think it is so hot! Looks like a lot of other guys like it, too, from what you say!  :smthumbup:


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Honeystly said:


> Update. So she moved in a couple of weeks ago. I'm doing surprising well. I guess now they can taste reality. My stbxh has been pleasant although has been having these little emotional outbursts about the kids, guilt I guess.
> Anyways, back in my bizzaro world I was talking to my sibling back in the US, and she told me something screwy. Apparently she hasn't gone on FB in a while and two days ago finally had time to mess around and check her fb. So she went into her friend requests, and lo and behold OW friend requested her.... from OZ.... my sister... WTF? What? What the hell is going on here? I don't know what world I am living in, but I'm this is mental. Any thoughts? Also, got another phone call hang up on stbxh kid drop off day, like two weeks ago... I don't get telemarketers and only 4 of my friends have my house #. My family calls during the night (time difference). So my guess is now that she has my # it was her. Again. I asked my stbxh to get his name off the phone plan so I can request caller ID. This is getting old. I don't want to be a part of this bull****, and yet, I seem to be the main cast. Why? Why am I even wondering about this? I need a life. Without her in it! I'm trying here, but she seems hell bent on letting me know she's here to stay. Laaame.


Well, let's see. She WANTS to be your friend. So she thinks if she befriends your friends, why then, eventually you will be her friend, too! 

It's possible that she wants to be your friend to impress your husband how mature she is, or that your husband has told her what a nice person you are and she feels you would be a good friend. Or she wants to be your friend so she can be allowed to have your kids from-time-to-time.

It's very childish stuff. She sounds about 13 or 14 or so, not 18. Is that why your husband chose her? Oh! That sent a shiver down my spine!


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> You went Pixie??? OMG! I don't know what it is about that look but I think it is so hot! Looks like a lot of other guys like it, too, from what you say!  :smthumbup:


:iagree:
>>OMG pixie look.<<< 
Something about... [goes to happy place] 
Oh.Never. Mind.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ing said:


> :iagree:
> >>OMG pixie look.<<<
> Something about... [goes to happy place]
> Oh.Never. Mind.


Now thinking of Jennifer Lien in her role as Kes in Star Trek Voyager.:smthumbup:

Honeystly, is your husband bonkers?


----------

