# Husband with history of impulsive sexual behaviors (porn, sexting, apps, etc)



## dani5987

New here, need to vent. I realize this is super long... I hope there isn't a word limit...

I don't know where to even begin. My relationship issues started in 2010. Fast forward to 2012 - we got married. Now, we are approaching our five year anniversary. I seem to have this romanticized and super naive view of how my life would change when he said that he would. But really, even through marriage counseling and individual counseling, we are still messed up even more than ever.

As far as I know, he has never physically cheated on me or had more than a brief inappropriate conversation with another woman. I could be wrong though, and quite frankly it wouldn't surprise me. Starting in 2010 I found naked pictures of his best friend on his computer. I also found a naked picture of him that he "sent by accident" to her. I was only 20 at the time and stupidly believed him. This was very early on in our relationship and honestly we should have just stopped it then. I don't even know why he wanted to be in the relationship with me. His friend even told me to get out, she had sent him those pictures when he was a senior in HS and he was still holding on to them. I stupidly thought she was jealous and didn't listen.

After this moment our relationship completely changed. Where we had a flirty and sexy relationship before, with a healthy sex life, it gradually decreased. Maybe we had sex multiple times a week, it gradually decreased to twice, then once, then even less frequent. Over the last few years we have on average had sex maybe once every few months. We do not have kids, and we are in our late twenties. The first thing that I noticed , aside from the naked pictures, was the gradual decline in sex. I even brought it up to him because I was concerned and he brushed it off and actually told me it was making me seem less sexy when I said that. I finally stopped talking about it. Every time we talked about it we would fight or my feelings would get hurt. All I ever thought about was sex, and I was not an overly sexual person. If he grabbed a bottle of wine I wondered if was thinking about it, or if he brushed up against me if he was thinking about it. Every single thing that he would do would make me wonder if today was the day! I can remember us watching a movie and me sitting there wishing and hoping that something would happen. I finally just gave up.

Between the pictures and this, many other things happened. Sometime in 2010 I found a skype message conversation (not video, but texting). He was talking to a girl from HS and she eventually said something about how she was fat and ugly and all this BS for attention and he totally gave into her. He was flirting with her telling her how pretty she was and all this crap. I can't remember the rest, but this was something that sparked yet another fight. I actually found this conversation by accident when I was skyping my sister from his computer, because I was staying the night. This was before I even started snooping.... of course he brushed it off and said she was feeling bad about herself and he was just being a friend. 

By that point we were fighting off and on. I can remember him saying we were incompatible, then the next second he didn't mean it. He obviously really did, and I was so stupid I believed him when he said thing would change and that he really loved me. 

I always thought that he acted secretive on his phone. I can't remember if this was before or after we got engaged, but I randomly found a few porn pictures on his computer. It was here that I started snooping. He was acting weird on top of the lack of sex. On a few occasions I found them. Right before our wedding, I found several sex seeking apps on his downloaded list on iTunes. I can't remember, but they were for secret chatting and stuff. We got in a huge fight because our wedding was months away and he said that he downloaded them but never used them. I stupidly believed him. That was 2012. 

I'm sure that something happened between 2012-2014, but the next event that sticks out in my mind is 2014. It was then that I woke up one morning, way earlier than him, and found his phone sitting on the couch. The night before, he was up late by himself. I wouldn't say I thought he did something bad, but I definitely was curious and saw this as an opportunity to actually check his phone. Usually he always had it with him, and the only way to check for things was through his computer. Well, I opened it up and Snapchat was opened. I couldn't view any of the pictures because they had already been opened, but he had several conversations going on with girls. I vividly remember one of them talking about "69" and all this other inappropriate stuff. I was totally crushed. I can't remember what happened next, but I think I woke him up with his phone in my hand and confronted him. I remember crying and screaming and finally he just left when he realized I wasn't going to just forgive and forget. I did more investigating and found that over the years he had downloaded approximately 30 apps used for seeking out relationships and sexting. I started downloading the apps on my own phone and attempting to login with what he always used for usernames and passwords and for several of them I found actual accounts with his pictures. I never found any conversations, I found about five logins. But I'm sure I just couldn't login for many others. These accounts spanned over YEARS that we were together. 

I told him to stay away from the house, and to go stay with his parents. That night he drove off somewhere and came home late and slept in his car. I didn't realize this until the next day. Then I told him to leave again and he stayed in a hotel for two nights. I called a former therapist (I struggled with an eating disorder from 16-20), and tried to schedule an emergency appointment. I think she thought I was emotionally unstable from my message, so she had someone else call me that could see me the next day. I went to the therapist, and was advised to have him come back to the home but perhaps sleep in another bedroom. Because if I wanted to make my marriage work, I needed to have him there. Also, he needed to go to a therapist of his own as well. He slept on the couch for a month, because we didn't have a second bed. He found his own counselor, who happened to be a Christian counselor that specialized in sexual addiction.... interesting. He found this counselor on his own with no suggestions from me. He never admitted to having some sort of sexual dysfunction/sexual addiction, but clearly that is what it was. If 30+ sex/relationships downloaded by a married man doesn't scream addiction, I don't know what does. 

Finally, by January he agreed to go to marriage counseling. I did not want to have to share my whole story again of eating disorders and our marriage problems, so my individual therapist recommended that I go back to my eating disorder therapist but for marriage counseling. I gave consent for her to share our information, and we went to marriage counseling in January 2015. He ended up going to her from then until June 2016. My husband also was periodically seeing his private counselor as well. I eventually stopped seeing my individual one, because it was at the point where I just kept talking about stuff that wasn't even a problem. He really needed the individual counseling. 

So, sometime in 2015 there was a slip. I found something in the summer of 2015, probably porn or something, we brought this up in counseling and it was awful. Again, he always said he would stop and blah blah. I think at this point, after the initial upset I was really just completely numb to the fact that he betrayed me yet again. Obviously I didn't trust him, hell, right now in 2017 I don't trust him. We tried to make it work in counseling, but it was becoming really clear that he didn't think it was even helpful anymore. Marriage counseling fizzled out due to a busy summer and we just never went back. He also stopped going to his individual counselor because he said he didn't need it anymore. 

Throughout the years, I have been compelled to snoop through his stuff, because he is a chronic liar of these sort of things. He has NEVER confessed to any of these things before, and EVERY time he always denies it first before I provide evidence that I know of his cheating and disgusting sexual behaviors. Can I also mention that in the last few years I would find his "excretion" in trash cans. Who does that? At first I was like oh he probably spilled something, but when we moved I found all these trash cans hidden in the back of the room where he must have masturbated. Clearly he is not just doing that, I suspect that he was engaging in some sort of inappropriate sexual behaviors. Even since we have moved, once I found a trash can hidden in the basement that once again had that in it. I actually had the guts that time to confront him about it and he confessed. 

This year I started graduate school, so there has been some strain on our finances. He said he supported my decision to go back to school and quit my job, but clearly he resents me for it. He seems to have this expectation that because I am home more than him that our house should be spotless. He has no clue the work it takes to maintain a perfect GPA doing graduate coursework. I have taken 30 hours, or half of my program, and have managed to get all As. Considering that I am pursuing a degree in a field that I did not get my undergraduate degree in, I would say this is a pretty huge accomplishment. He works two jobs right now, of his own volunteering, to support us so I do understand that he is overworked and tired. But seriously, in the last six months he acts like he hates me. He is so irritable, and gets frustrated with me so easy . He'll come home and stomp around in the kitchen and slam dishes in the dishwasher. Or slam the door on his way to take the trash out. A few weeks ago, I finally confronted him and he said basically that I was lazy and that he'll be working all day to come home finding me watching tv with dishes in the sink. Can I just rephrase that I had two weeks between spring and summer semester where I tried to relax. He acts as if I sit on my butt all day watching tv while he works. When he is mad, he will also try and say that I never clean or do any housework. He even did this in marriage counseling. He'll also try and blame us not having sex because I don't initiate it. He has these completely effed up and inaccurate views of me. It is almost as if he is creating this BS in his head to justify why I deserve to be treated in this manner. I have written and read so much crap for school, I have spent hours and hours and hours researching topics, writing papers, and doing the mountains of work necessary for my program. Clearly I do not sit on my ass all day. Not to mention I commute 75 miles one way 1-2x a week. 

Well, after this fight the next days he took me out for a date night to suck up. Pretty typical. He thinks that pretending like everything is okay and acting nice for one day will take back whatever BS he did. He was "nice" for a week, and then this weekend we had some sort of animal stuck in our air vents. This pushed him over the edge and he is yet again a super huge and rude ass hole. When he gets in these "moods" it is so frustrating for me. He acts like he is Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky awesome, nice, caring, and super fun guy. He is perfect working with people in his job and everyone just thinks that he is gods gift to life. What they don't know is what a freaking disgusting, mean, and hurtful human being it is. I am so disgusted when people come up to us in public and remark about how lucky I am to have him. It freaking disgusts me. I am not lucky to have him. Is going months without sex from age twenty to twenty eight lucky? Is finding naked pictures of your husbands former best friend lucky? Is finding inappropriate sexual conversations on your HUSBANDS phone lucky? Is enduring his irritably pissy self while he acts super nice to everyone else lucky? No, I don't think so.

I find myself when he gets in these moods just thinking of how much I hate him. I just want to scream I hate you to his face. He thinks he's so liked and perfect, I would also like to tell him just how much I strongly dislike him as a person. I don't actually hate him, but a really effed up part of me almost hopes that I will find out he cheated on me so that I can finally leave this miserable marriage. Another part of me is terrified that he is. I haven't found any evidence recently. However, I just know that he is doing something he is not supposed to, but I have zero evidence.

My whole self is completely torn. I want to make my marriage work, but I just don't see how this is going to get better. Sex hasn't improved in over seven years. He won't go back to therapy. I need evidence. I need something to confront him with, besides me telling him that he acts like he hates me all the time. I have thought about getting spy cameras and spyware software. It's crazy. It really is. I sound totally crazy. I haven't been super snoopy recently, I almost feel like I am too numb to care. But now that he has been acting so irritable towards me, something has got to change because I do not deserve this. I deserve to be happy and he is NOT making me happy. Mr. Perfect is far from perfect. Anything but perfect. 

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. It seems like all of the people that I am close to are mutual friends with him, or have some sort of connection that would just make it awkward for me to talk to about this. I hate to talk to my mom or my sister about it, because if we do stay together it would make things awkward forever. I have way too many big mouth friends who are mutual friends that would also make this situation worse. I guess being married for five years ruins any chance of you being able to open up with people about stuff like this, because everyone appears to be in our inner circle. 

I guess torn is the best at to describe me. Torn and miserable. I feel like one of those people that is just staying because it makes it easier. I have actually thought that if I can just make it one more year I will be graduated and I can move on. This whole intertwined and interconnected life is just making this a terrible mess if we were to separate. A part of me does want to make this work. I just don't know how. Maybe I should threaten divorce, because I actually have thought about it. I just don't know. The most serious he has ever gotten was when I kicked him out of the house and he thought I was going to leave him. Kind of hard now, because I have no job and it is his income that is paying the bills as opposed to before when we were equals as far as money is concerned. 

What do I do? Who knows.


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## aine

Dani, I am sorry you are here but you will get some good insight and feedback on this site, so you came to the right place.
I know the amount of work involved in doing a graduate programme (Masters or PhD?) and all that goes with it. Stick at it because it will be worth it in the end and you have to become self sufficient to be able to get your ducks in a row.

Your WH sounds like a complete A**hole and nasty to boot. Of course you are torn up, I am surprised you went ahead and married him when all the red flags were there already.

If you are having IC keep at it, start making plans to leave, this guy will not change. If he is an addict you will spend all of your life watching him and believe me that is no way to live. You are still very young and have an opportunity to move on to something far better. He has done everything to you a bad H can do. Run for the hills.

Confide in your family, you do not have to be ashamed, you need a support network.
You also need no more evidence, you have found more than enough in the past for you to divorce him, one hint of improriety is enough to leave, what more do you need, to actually catch him in bed with someone?

Focus on finishing your degree, start saving money, start looking for part time jobs, start getting your ducks in a row, check out the divorce requirements in your state, start planning your exit, he does not deserve your loyalty.


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## Hope1964

What an awful story  Sadly I don't see it ending well unless you get rid of him.

I am married to a sex addict. You can read my story here http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/32264-hello.html#post434954 Short version: if he acted like your husband, we'd be split long ago.

If you don't want to read the whole of my story, scroll down to the bottom where I have links to some reading for spouses of sex addicts. The couple of books there might really help you right now.

Also, be careful with the label 'sex addict'. Most use it as an excuse to act out and not a reason to recover. "Oh, I'm a sex addict, I can't help myself" kind of crap. Or the spouse excuses the bad behaviour "Oh, he's a sex addict, I can fix him/he can't help it/I can't leave" bull****. And unless he's diagnosed by a CSAT, it's just a guess anyway. My husband attends a 12 step group and has for years. If he didn't I doubt we'd be together today.

Have you been STD tested? That's a must. Do you really think he's been doing this for so many years and never actually got physical with anyone?


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## dani5987

Thank you for your quick response! I can't even begin to explain my relief in "telling someone." I'm working on my masters right now, and considering working on a PhD while I am working after graduation. I know several people doing that, so it's possible!

I think what is so hard for me now, as opposed to before, is that I have not found anything "bad" since 2015 when we were just starting marriage counseling. So, according to what I know for sure he hasn't done anything wrong. I just have this feeling that he is doing something right now because of his attitude towards me. He is obviously not happy with me either, so why are we even together? When I mention that, he is all I love you you're the best person I know and the best thing that has ever happened to me. There always seems to be this period of "Improvement" whether it is for a week or for months. And then it seems like something else happens. 

I suspect he is just getting better at hiding it. But what if he really is not doing anything inappropriate? What if I am wrong? Torn doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. I feel like I hate him but also love him. I am definitely not getting the support that I need. I feel alone, torn and stressed. Part of this is due to how separate our lives are with him working 12+ hours a day and me in grad school with internships, commuting, and a bunch of work. I just don't know. Am I holding his past against him now because of a hunch? I know marriages are difficult, is thus just a rough patch? Would finding something bad be a relief, because at least I would know for sure? I guess this is where the lack of trust is completely eating away at me, because I don't know and I can't know for sure either way.


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## dani5987

Hope1964 said:


> What an awful story  Sadly I don't see it ending well unless you get rid of him.
> 
> I am married to a sex addict. You can read my story here http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/32264-hello.html#post434954 Short version: if he acted like your husband, we'd be split long ago.
> 
> If you don't want to read the whole of my story, scroll down to the bottom where I have links to some reading for spouses of sex addicts. The couple of books there might really help you right now.
> 
> Also, be careful with the label 'sex addict'. Most use it as an excuse to act out and not a reason to recover. "Oh, I'm a sex addict, I can't help myself" kind of crap. Or the spouse excuses the bad behaviour "Oh, he's a sex addict, I can fix him/he can't help it/I can't leave" bull****. And unless he's diagnosed by a CSAT, it's just a guess anyway. My husband attends a 12 step group and has for years. If he didn't I doubt we'd be together today.
> 
> Have you been STD tested? That's a must. Do you really think he's been doing this for so many years and never actually got physical with anyone?


Thank you, I will check it out! I appreciate you sharing your story. I haven't been tested since I was married, I guess they assume you have no reason to get tested if you are married. I should probably do that.


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## Hope1964

If proof is what you need, then go after it. You can install things on his phone to monitor what he does - I know nothing about that but there is a LOT of info about that here in CWI. (the Coping With Infidelity section). Cheaters NEVER admit to anything that they don't think you already know. Even my husband. The night I confronted him I knew he had a secret cell phone but he wouldn't admit it. I kept screaming "AND?????" at him each time he told me something else he'd done and I finally had to bring that little tidbit up myself.

And whether he's an 'addict' or not doesn't really matter. He IS a cheater. Even if he didn't actually have PIV sex with anyone. My husband didn't. but he WANTED to, and to me that's just as bad as if he actually HAD. The only reason he didn't was because I caught him first. And even then he ended up having a BJ from a hooker. People try to differentiate between cybersex, chatting, porn, and actual cheating, but all that is is semantics. It's all cheating to me.


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## dani5987

Hope1964 said:


> If proof is what you need, then go after it. You can install things on his phone to monitor what he does - I know nothing about that but there is a LOT of info about that here in CWI. (the Coping With Infidelity section). Cheaters NEVER admit to anything that they don't think you already know. Even my husband. The night I confronted him I knew he had a secret cell phone but he wouldn't admit it. I kept screaming "AND?????" at him each time he told me something else he'd done and I finally had to bring that little tidbit up myself.
> 
> And whether he's an 'addict' or not doesn't really matter. He IS a cheater. Even if he didn't actually have PIV sex with anyone. My husband didn't. but he WANTED to, and to me that's just as bad as if he actually HAD. The only reason he didn't was because I caught him first. And even then he ended up having a BJ from a hooker. People try to differentiate between cybersex, chatting, porn, and actual cheating, but all that is is semantics. It's all cheating to me.



I agree 100%, all of that is cheating. Whether you meet in person or not, what you are doing is wrong and a complete betrayal of the other person. I just finished your story and it reminds me of my own. I actually have four of the books on your list! I haven't read the Gottman, but I do own it! I have read the Five Love Languages and the last two about sexual addictions. Strangely, he has never admitted that he has an addiction to "cybersex." Perhaps this is part of the problem? 

Even though I am super suspicious of him, I think it would be really hard for him to physically cheat on me right now. Because of our personal life and schedules, he really doesn't have the opportunity. There is rarely a time when I don't know where he is at. For his first job, he physically cannot leave and there are constantly people around, and for the second part-time job there are security cameras where I can actually see what he is doing (they are ours, part of our own security system). The only time that he is "alone" is if he goes upstairs to the computer at night. This is where I suspect any inappropriate behaviors occur. He works so much, because he is trying to replace my income. I know this is where part of his irritability stems from, but I just keep wondering if it's something more. 

As you all can see, I struggle. I am torn and try and find reasons to justify what has happened. I feel that I lack so many answers, my brain is trying to formulate them so that I can have some sort of peace of mind about this whole thing. I don't know what is real and what isn't, all I have is past evidence and my gut instinct. Sometimes I try to make excuses and defend him, and sometimes I am so angry and suspicious. His defensiveness and poor attitude reminds me of all those times he lied, and it makes me wonder if he is trying to be mad at me to justify it himself. He has trouble admitting he is wrong. 

I am definitely living life for myself. I am pursuing this degree to better MYSELF so that I can be secure in a career. I don't need him, the only thing I rely on him is money to pay the bills, which I absolutely hate. I have learned to not need or really want sex from him either, which is incredibly sad. He doesn't really do much for me as far as support other than financially. We are living pretty separate, however interconnected lives. I just feel like this isn't what a marriage is supposed to be like. I feel like we are roommates. It is so awkward and uncomfortable to have sex, that most of the time we have drank considerably before then to not feel weird about it. Or at least I do. So much baggage. So many unresolved feelings. So many questions. I am only twenty eight....


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## Hope1964

My husband spent months differentiating between 'cybersex' and 'sex' addiction. He would NOT call himself a sex addict, only a cybersex addict. To him there was a difference, and he was NOT a sex addict. He didn't realize until DDay#2 that he was rationalizing and it wasn't working - that's when he admitted to me he'd gotten the BJ and I freaked at him and screamed something at him about not thinking he was a sex addict and how was THAT working for him and telling him once again I hated him. That for whatever reason woke him up.

You can't spend all this time wondering. You need to do something to bring this to a head (OMG bad pun or what), because HE certainly won't. 28?? My god, you're only a year older than my oldest.  You have your WHOLE LIFE ahead of you!!!!

There are groups for sex addict spouses, like Alanon, I went to one once but didn't go back. They emphasize the codependent aspect of living with a sex addict which I don't really fit. Maybe that would be worth a try for you? COSA I think it was called.

And don't kid yourself about physically meeting up with someone. I also thought I knew where he was all the time. I didn't care much, but I thought I knew. He was taking time off work to go to these meet ups he'd paid for - lying to me and to his boss. Or driving around the city the one time, after telling me some bogus lie about where he was going (Christmas shopping for me or something?? I don't remember now)


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## dani5987

Yep, only 28... we got married when we were 22/23. Very young. Now that I have matured some, I realize this probably wasn't the best decision, especially considering all of my worries and insecurities. However, at the moment it seemed like the right thing. Live and learn. 

You're right, it's definitely a possibility. I don't want to go into too many personal details about his work, but let's just say that it would literally be impossible for him to sneak off unless he took a sick day without telling me and pretended like he went to work. Which is definitely a possibility, because I don't have access to his absences from work. Ugh! 

The other issue for me is I don't know how serious this addiction problem is. I also don't know what triggers him, what are the things that he uses, how often does he do the things. There are so many questions. 

You're also right in that I need to do something to get some answers for myself. I don't know what I am going to do, but I need to figure something out.


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## MJJEAN

Why are you trying to save a miserable marriage to a serial cheater? You don't need evidence of current wrongdoing to recognize your marriage is a train wreck. You aren't happy, there is no trust or intimacy. Just file and move on to a healthy relationship. Life is short.


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## Cynthia

dani5987 said:


> I guess torn is the best at to describe me. Torn and miserable. I feel like one of those people that is just staying because it makes it easier. I have actually thought that if I can just make it one more year I will be graduated and I can move on. This whole intertwined and interconnected life is just making this a terrible mess if we were to separate. A part of me does want to make this work. I just don't know how. Maybe I should threaten divorce, because I actually have thought about it. I just don't know. The most serious he has ever gotten was when I kicked him out of the house and he thought I was going to leave him. Kind of hard now, because I have no job and it is his income that is paying the bills as opposed to before when we were equals as far as money is concerned.
> 
> What do I do? Who knows.


You can only make your part work. You cannot do his part for him. He is not going to do his part. It would be extremely rare for him to change anything. This is who he is and how he operates. To think that is going to change is unrealistic.

If you want to stay for another year to finish with school, then it would be best for you to detach from him as much as possible and begin preparing to leave. This means not having sex with him anymore. Buy a couple of books on divorce in your state, keep them on a Kindle or your computer, not hard copies. Read them thoroughly and learn what is ahead. Stop worrying about what he is doing and let him do whatever he wants. Let him detach as well.

Keep doing your part, the things that he stays with you for. I'm assuming you take care of the house and that's your contribution. Keep that up. But stop engaging with him sexually at all. Let that go. Take the year to tie up loose ends, prepare for divorce, and begin to heal. Read up on boundaries and relationships. Read about codependency and trauma bonding as well. Learn to let go of malice towards him, so you can leave without anger or bitterness. You want to be healthy and not go into another dysfunctional relationship.

Can you get a summer job as an intern in your area of study? If you can get a summer job and start a savings account, that would help you. You'll have to split it with him at the end or use it towards attorney fees, but it's worth it.


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## Cynthia

dani5987 said:


> Yep, only 28... we got married when we were 22/23. Very young. Now that I have matured some, I realize this probably wasn't the best decision, especially considering all of my worries and insecurities. However, at the moment it seemed like the right thing. Live and learn.
> 
> You're right, it's definitely a possibility. I don't want to go into too many personal details about his work, but let's just say that it would literally be impossible for him to sneak off unless he took a sick day without telling me and pretended like he went to work. Which is definitely a possibility, because I don't have access to his absences from work. Ugh!
> 
> The other issue for me is I don't know how serious this addiction problem is. I also don't know what triggers him, what are the things that he uses, how often does he do the things. There are so many questions.
> 
> You're also right in that I need to do something to get some answers for myself. I don't know what I am going to do, but I need to figure something out.


It doesn't matter what age you were. People of all ages make these same kinds of mistakes. We get into patterns in our youth that follow us for the rest of our lives unless we recognize our own dysfunction and begin to correct it. You are maturing and learning. Your husband is not. He is stuck in unhealthy patterns. Now it is time for you to detach from someone who does not have your best interests at heart and is destructive to your health. He isn't for you. He is against you. You can't make that change. Only he can, but you can detach and stop him from harming you further. Trying to figure him out so you can fix him is a waste of your time and energy. It is harmful to you. And it doesn't help him. He has to want to do it and he has proven to you over the years that he has no intention of facing his demons and resolving his issues. Don't think he's going to start now.

It doesn't matter why or how he is doing anything anymore. Close that book. Start to detach and work on preparing to be a healthy single woman who is ready for a healthy, loving relationship.

Here is how to start to detach: The 180 U Turn - Affaircare


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## dani5987

Thank you CynthiaDe and MJJean for your comments and advice! I really appreciate it! 

CynthiaDe - I actually have an internship lined up for August, but it is unpaid unfortunately. There aren't really any paid internships for this field. I think the best thing I can do is set myself up for success for May 2018 so I can get a job right after graduation. I'm trying to make connections as much as possible. However, I am literally only living here because of my husband so I'd definitely consider moving away to be closer to my family. I guess taking the year can help me get myself ready and have things in place. Luckily we do not have any children, that probably makes this at least a little easier than for those with children.


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## Cynthia

dani5987 said:


> Thank you CynthiaDe and MJJean for your comments and advice! I really appreciate it!
> Luckily we do not have any children, that probably makes this at least a little easier than for those with children.


You're welcome. I hope my suggestions are helpful.

Yes, being childless makes it much easier. There are many people here who have stayed in destructive marriages until their children were grown. There are many reasons why people do that. I cannot even begin to say how much better off you are without children involved. You will be just fine and your husband will be whatever he chooses.


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## dani5987

Your suggestions definitely are helpful. I'm just torn with what to do, because I don't know that he has done anything wrong as far as his previous sexual behaviors are concerned. Last time I know of something was two years ago. So, in theory he isn't doing anything wrong. But he could be. I don't know that for sure. I definitely have a lot of built up, unresolved feelings about his past and it seems to be coming out more since he's been acting very irritable lately. I have definitely thought about divorce since we've been married, but making that decision is hard. Especially since I'm in school right now, and everything revolves around our life here in our small community. I guess if I would have just broke this off when the first strange thing happened I would have saved myself a lot of grief. 

I haven't really talked to him about any of these things, so I don't know if that is something I should do before I decide to officially break it off. Or maybe I should just start distancing myself now and plan to leave when I graduate.


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## Cynthia

From what I see, and clearly I don't know either of you, your husband broke his vows and has not resolved the issues that led you to feel this way. He is still not treating you in a loving way. He has not put in the serious effort to restore the relationship. The broken marriage has not been fixed and you cannot fix what he did. He can't either, but he can repent, make amends, and try to help you heal. He is not doing that, so the marriage is still broken.

It's not about what he did. It's about how he has handled it and how it has not corrected the problems he created in the marriage. I really don't think the institution of marriage is more important than the people in the marriage. I don't know if you're a Christian or not, but Jesus said the reason divorce was allowed is due to the hardness of people's hearts. He was talking about how a hardhearted person doesn't love his/her spouse like he should and the marriage becomes destructive. Living with a hardhearted person is not healthy. A marriage where one or both spouses is hardhearted is an unhealthy, dysfunctional marriage.

I don't want to encourage you to divorce your husband, but I do want to see you take a deep look at the truth of what is going on and set sound boundaries to how you will and will not be treated. Hold him to a standard and you hold the same standard. If he is unwilling to do that, nothing will ever change.


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