# Help with new husband and porn



## newlywed2008 (Sep 9, 2008)

I've only been married a year and my husband does not seem as interested in sex as I am although he looks at porn every day. I have never had this issue before. I am in good shape and attractive (I think  but he says it is just a stress release and not causing any problems etc. etc. We are very close - pretty much best friends and I trust him with everything but this is just really hurting me. 

A few weeks ago I was on his comp. and looked at his history b/c I couldn't find a site I had previously been on and...there are many! porn sites there from every single day M-F that he works from home. I don't think he does it all day but I'd say an hour a day anyway. I have talked/cried many times about feeling like he doesn't initiate or want me and he is very attentive and is very affectionate. he is great in every other way.

I even asked if he thought the porn was an issue but he gets angry and denies it. I asked him again last night and he was furious that I 'accused' him of watching it all day. How can a person be so angry at being 'accused' of something they are actually doing? 

Anyway - he said he HAD changed since our last conversation and was not watching it every day. but he is. I was going to tell him I knew but...he got so angry and lied right off the bat. I just didn't say anything. 

I have never had low self esteem before but it sure seems like he prefers these other women on-line over me. he never chats or anything like that but he is choosing to "be" with them and not me. It hurts. Especially since we are basically newlyweds. I am adventurous in the bedroom and have never turned him down so?? what do I do? I am actually fine with it once in a while but..every day?? I believe he sees this as a freedom issue but I want him to come to be for the most part to fulfill his desires - not the computer. 

HELP! need a guys perspective


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

I hope he has a ton of anti virus and spyware and adware protection! What kind of porn is it? seriously, I think that would tell me a lot. I read an article that the main reason married men watch porn is to fantasize about things the wife won't do. When I was MUCH YOUNGER I fell into that trap and that is the danger of porn. A happily married man might watch it as much as an unhappily married man. We're visual creatures, we jus cannot expect our wives to do those same things.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

"Amp's Standard Rant on Porn"

I will get up on my soap box again and point out that is a perfect example of the effect porn can have on a marriage. NW2008,I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I used porn briefly as a “release” a couple of years ago and it definitely hurt my marriage. There where other issues also but the porn had an impact. For those of you out there who are engaged in using pornography, think about what it could do to your spouse’s feelings. If they have self confidence issues about their looks or weight, finding out will exacerbate them. It could leave them feeling unloved and undesired. Your spouse may also wonder what you are bringing to the bed with you when you are making love. Who or what you may have seen on line that you are thinking about when you make love to them. Put yourself in their place and how you’d feel if they did the same to you. I don’t know if I can classify the use of porn as “cheating” but it can definitely hurt your spouse and that is wrong in any form. If both spouses are OK with it or share it together, that’s fine. Consenting adults and all, BUT… I am not a prude or holy-roller by any stretch but I do believe that making love is supposed to be between two loving people in a committed relationship. Not something to be filmed for the almighty dollar and the entertainment of others. Porn hurts lots of people. The young man or woman at a college party that gets drunk and does something stupid while some perv videos it and sells it online for a hundred bucks. It will not doubt be an act they will regret for the rest of their lives. The porn industry uses people then tosses them aside like a used condom when they have served their purposes. It pollutes the minds of our young people and desensitizes them to what making love is all about. It sets unobtainable expectations for them in choosing a mate and partner. It exposes them to acts of violence, incest and rape and presents it as “normal”. It is a pollutant in our moral fiber and it is available 24X7 on virtually every device connected to the Internet. Some on this forum disagree with me that it isn’t just a trivial “release” for someone to engage in. That’s fine, we are all entitled to our opinions, but here is a classic example of how it can and has hurt a marriage. More importantly how is hurt someone’s spouse.



NW2008 this can get better for you but it will take time. Make sure he understands just how much this hurt you. Explain how you felt when you found out. He needs to understand your pain in order to make sure he doesn’t falter. You will need to regain trust and find forgiveness for him in order to move on in the relationship. If you can both do these things then things will improve and your marriage can be a wonderful thing again. Good luck to you both.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

I couldn't disagree more. It all depends on the function of the porn. A lot of women watch porn as well. This is why I asked what kind of porn he is watching. There is some real disgusting porn out there and some of quality as well that does not degrade women.


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## newlywed2008 (Sep 9, 2008)

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond. It is pretty 'normal' stuff. nothing too hardcore at all. It seems ot be mostly college age girls and guys - nothing rough or crazy. just sex. 

I do think he is happy in our marriage and everything else but - I wonder if he sees me as his best friend/family and just not the person/place he goes to. When we have sex - it's good. but there must be something there he is not getting from me.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

martino said:


> I couldn't disagree more. It all depends on the function of the porn. A lot of women watch porn as well. This is why I asked what kind of porn he is watching. There is some real disgusting porn out there and some of quality as well that does not degrade women.


Everyone is welcome to their opinion and obviously I have core issues with porn at a moral level. I think it is wrong on numerous levels. I don’t state anywhere in my post that this is a male issue only. My point for this poster is that her husband is engaging in an activity that is hurting both her and her marriage. She never before questioned her self esteem and doesn’t understand why he seems to prefer porn over sex with her. 

NW2008 continue to speak with your husband to make it clear this hurts you. A spouse should always be willing to listen and understand when something hurts their partner. They should be willing to stop that activity or try to work out a compromise they can both live with. This is not limited to porn, but can be found in any number of activities that hurt the marriage. Since your husband is reacting in an angry manner this is a difficult subject to broach. Have you tried writing him a letter explaining your feelings?


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## newlywed2008 (Sep 9, 2008)

I have tried but never send. I think I feel like it is my problem. but you have helped a lot. his anger makes it impossible. I think I will try to write him a letter and just explain. what do i do if he won't talk about it and own't go to counseling. I also just found out I am 2 months pregnant and so scared that this will only get worse!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

This is not your problem. A problem in the marriage for sure but not your problem. You are justified in your concerns about the porn. Did you know about the porn before you married him or did it surface later? Dealing with a spouse that gets angry about a subject is always a difficult challenge and that’s why I suggest a letter. Carefully worded it can relay your pain to him and your wish for a gentle and open discussion about the issue. Set the tone and time for a discussion on porn but couch it as a meeting to help you better understand each other. Not a b-session about his use of porn. Worded correctly it can put him at ease and more willing for an open discussion.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

I wouldn't take him to counseling over looking at porn. The counseling community would be over booked for years if every wife did. Also considering what he is looking at, that is just pure flesh viewing material. I'm not trying to minimize this because you know your hubby not me, i'm just saying my opinion. If he was into degrading stuff, or super fetish German stuff (disgusting) that's a lot different and a lot more hardcore and deviant. 

If it is substituting your sex life that's another story. I would doubt that is likely the case though. No younger guy that I can guess would choose porn over the real thing, unless he wants way more than his wife is willing to do and is fantasizing about it.

Maybe you might think of some ways to spice up your routine with him? act/dress a little ****ty once in a while for him. I watched a show on tv and a wife said this: "we've been married 15 years, so when we play, i'm his mistress, not his wife" maybe he's a little bored? i'm not excusing him or blaming you, just giving you what you asked for...a guy's perspective. Good luck


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## newlywed2008 (Sep 9, 2008)

Martino - thanks for the honesty. we don't have sex often - if I don't initiate he will let 2 weeks go by. he is sweet and affectionate but that's it. he is only 37 and we've only been together 2 years (on year long-distance. most times if i put the idea in his head or initiate he is game but sometimes not. we average about once a week. i guess i just thought he would be hounding after me like every other one of my husbands friends. should i just drop it or try to talk?


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## newlywed2008 (Sep 9, 2008)

Amplexor - I kinda knew he looked sometimes. but no, not every day. we dated long-distance for a year before marriage (saw eachother every weekend) and his friend's kinda joked about it but we didn't live together before. He definitely knows something he is doing is wrong b/c he lied about it by saying he was not doing it every day - he said "not with you, not in our house". total lie. I wish he knew that the lying and anger are worse than anything. if he could jut talk to me and we could come to an agreement - so much better. I can be completely logical abotu it.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Two weeks? that's an eternity for me...does he have any sexual dysfunction? low self esteem? on any meds?


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## newlywed2008 (Sep 9, 2008)

me too!! no dysfunction or low self esteem (i don't think). I think he may have some depression. he moved away from home and to my city (about 5 hours away) about 8 months ago and in the meantime his mom passed away (she was back home). they were very close. additionally, he could not find a job so is doing freelance from home while i am at work every day. he seems ok when i am around, happy etc. but maybe he is lonely or...?? i don't know. it seems insane to me that he can go so long w/o wanting me. I am honestly disappointed b/c - i know he has this sex drive for the internet...not me.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

I think you should try to talk and ask him what he wants to do and what turns him on. Women are never great at communicating things like this and they sure aren't about what they want. The want to be sleuthed. I think you need to turn up the heat, grab him in public so he has to wait to get home for the action.


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## newlywed2008 (Sep 9, 2008)

so you think that it is something missing with us? I did ask - we had just had sex and were happy and I asked pretty much that exact question. what would turn him on - is there anything we could add. he said he honestly couldn't think of anything. I said something about being ****ty and he said he might 'lose respect for me' or something. 
but i can try again.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Can't understand how he could lose respect when it's just the two of you. Maybe he can't open up and tell you what he wants. I'm the opposite, I express too much and intimidate my wife sometimes. You may just have to try and surprise him with some new ideas. The main thing is to watch your stress level with being pregnant and all. Sounds like your hubby's mind is somewhere else, he's nervous about the kid on the way, missing his mom. Could be using porn as a complete mental escape.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

newlywed2008 said:


> I've only been married a year and my husband does not seem as interested in sex as I am although he looks at porn every day. I have never had this issue before. I am in good shape and attractive (I think  but he says it is just a stress release and not causing any problems etc. etc. We are very close - pretty much best friends and I trust him with everything but this is just really hurting me.
> 
> A few weeks ago I was on his comp. and looked at his history b/c I couldn't find a site I had previously been on and...there are many! porn sites there from every single day M-F that he works from home. I don't think he does it all day but I'd say an hour a day anyway. I have talked/cried many times about feeling like he doesn't initiate or want me and he is very attentive and is very affectionate. he is great in every other way.
> 
> ...


How can a person be so angry at being 'accused' of something they are actually doing? Because they don't like to hear the truth said to them, hun. The more you catch them in a lie, the more mad they get. Then they start saying you are the problem, not them. Hey, they have to, so they won't feel guilty, and can go on having their cake and eating it too.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Firstly, if he is ejaculating when he watches the porn, he will not have the drive to want sex with you, even though he could do it if you asked. Basically he is no longer HUNGRY. Suggest to him that if he watches it, and plays with himself, he should not cum.

As for your asking if you should just live with his lack of sexual attention to you, the answer is a big no. In a few years you will be down to once every six months. If he can't handle the side effects of porn he should give it up. and if he can't do that, you should probably give _him_ up before he breaks your heart.

If you want a technique to find out what he likes in bed, look at this: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/12557-post52.html


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

martino said:


> Can't understand how he could lose respect when it's just the two of you. Maybe he can't open up and tell you what he wants. I'm the opposite, I express too much and intimidate my wife sometimes. You may just have to try and surprise him with some new ideas. The main thing is to watch your stress level with being pregnant and all. Sounds like your hubby's mind is somewhere else, he's nervous about the kid on the way, missing his mom. Could be using porn as a complete mental escape.


Can't understand how he could lose respect when it's just the two of you.

It may not be real time body to body sex, Martino, but it is still disrespectful to a woman. He is not really having sexy with those women, but in his mind he is. I guess with his ownself.. Whoop Dee Doo ! All his time is spent lusting after someone he can not be with is a waste of time. It shows low valuses and morals and great disrespect to woman when they rather be in a make believe word, than having the real deal that is standing right in front of them. What is it really? Is it the nastyness of it? The fake boobs in the face? Some men are dogs in heat and can't help themselves? What would make a man lose everthing he has for nothing at all, I'll never know. Stupid is as stupid does, I guess.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Newlywed you just need to change your game. Grab him in a movie theater and whisper something really naughty in his ear. Tell him you need a spanking you've been thinking about naughty things lately.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Hun, some men do act up when a baby is on the way. See how he is when the baby is born, if he is spending more time with the scum bags than you and the baby, then put your foot down. Tell him to choose. Will it be a make believe world or me and your child?


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

martino said:


> Newlywed you just need to change your game. Grab him in a movie theater and whisper something really naughty in his ear. Tell him you need a spanking you've been thinking about naughty things lately.


LOL.. you think that would work? What if the movie is a naughty one, he will be miles away in La La Land, and not hear a word she's saying. What? Huh? Did I spill something on me? :rofl:


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

martino said:


> Newlywed you just need to change your game. Grab him in a movie theater and whisper something really naughty in his ear. Tell him you need a spanking you've been thinking about naughty things lately.


Why do we need to assume she needs to change? True there maybe something missing in the bedroom but it could be dozens of other things also. It could be anxiety, stress, a warped character, a loss of feeling for his wife. I find the “just act sl***y" a pretty shallow suggestion when there is so much else that could be wrong in the relationship. I still opt for better communication between NW2008 and her husband. If they fully discuss and he finally tells her what he is missing great but don’t assume all men what their wives to trash out is a turn on.


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## newlywed2008 (Sep 9, 2008)

wow - thanks everyone. lots of good advice. i've gone the naughty route but maybe not extreme enough. will try. and i totally agree that he is SO not hungry for me. He has already had his desires met. i dnon't want to settle for a marriage with someone who is just a companion (I am only 38) but...he is an incredible husband in every other way. I waited all this time toget married and, up until now, i never questioned he was the one. if he would just talk to me enough to compromise i feel like we owuld be good. i am so tired of trying to get him interested. 
i am sure he is fraking about the baby btu it started before. truth is i thik this is something he has always done - which is why he is fighting it so hard. he has this thing about not 'being allowed to do things. meanwhile - i think the only thing i have ever put my foot down about is his ex not coming to our wedding.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

LOL what in the world are you talking about?? i'm talking about when they are at the local movie plex, not some smoky smut theater. Or at a restaurant. If he is using the porn for "release" shall we say, that is a problem. But if you women issued ultimatums at all the men that look at porn, you would all be single. Ok, well many of you anyways. That's a fact. I think Newlywed needs to come to an agreement with him, but not an ultimatum, not yet. Sheesh!


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## newlywed2008 (Sep 9, 2008)

i kinda feel the same way - i am tired of trying to mold myself to get his attention. he has always been so incredible about talking out anything - this is so out of character which scares me more. makes it look like a big issue.


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## newlywed2008 (Sep 9, 2008)

and agreement would be all good. i honestly dont' care if it's once in a while but not every day. it's just ridiculous.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

My husband was 32 when we met, and never married. Being a physicist, he had access to the internet long before most people even heard of it and it didn't take long for porn to enter the scene, so it may well be he has done this for some time and it has become compulsive to deal with stress/boredom/releasing sexual tension.

I do think men are conditioned as boys that this behavior is wrong and most believe (rightfully so) that it would not be a good thing for their significant other to know about so in a sense it is a secret life...until we find boatloads of it on their laptop. There could be a number of reasons why he is reacting this way ashamed/embarrassed may be part of it but I think for my husband he resented that I invaded his privacy and 'secret life' because once Pandora's Box is opened, he had to address it full on open for discussion and he to some extent relies on/enjoys this in private.

Anyway, I also responded in the ladies lounge re: my perspective on the whole issue, having been there myself.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

As I said, it all probably comes down to whether he ejaculates or not. He should save his sperm for you.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Whoah people, chill out. I'm not saying she has to change who she is morally, do what you are comfortable with. I'm not assuming all men want their ladies trashy, but they sure don't all want prudes either. The "it's either me or porn" camp is small minded in my opinion. First of all while he may agree to drop the porn, sooner or later he will come back looking again, don't fool yourself. So then what? you catch him again and begin the legal process of divorce? 

Better to come to some common ground. Maybe Newly wants sex 2 times a week or three or four, tell him. If there is a problem and he can't or won't perform as a result of porn use then take action. I'm just saying, don't blame porn ladies blame your men. Again about one third of porn viewers are you guessed it...women!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Ha! MT I totally mis-read you and thought you meant save it in a cup or something...I thought you'd lost your mind!

I get it...hold off until he's with her...at least I hope I get it now


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Being a math geek I'm always skeptical of statistics...so if 1/3 of porn viewers are women, does it include the women that are viewing the stash they just found on their man's laptop or women that actually enjoy it? Sorry, it just does nothing for me and IMO (not that I've seen much of it) from what I've seen it's geared towards the male viewer.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

swedish said:


> Ha! MT I totally mis-read you and thought you meant save it in a cup or something...


 Yaha that's right, as a keepsake 

Yes, people underestimate the value of ejaculation. I only cum once per month, because I don't like to throw it away. When I cum, I really cum. But we have wild sex 5-10 times a week, I just don't go over the edge until it's time. My wife keeps the date of my last ejaculation in her diary!


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

martino said:


> LOL what in the world are you talking about?? i'm talking about when they are at the local movie plex, not some smoky smut theater. Or at a restaurant. If he is using the porn for "release" shall we say, that is a problem. But if you women issued ultimatums at all the men that look at porn, you would all be single. Ok, well many of you anyways. That's a fact. I think Newlywed needs to come to an agreement with him, but not an ultimatum, not yet. Sheesh!


Most "not all" women will not put up with it for long. Also, it is better to be single than to always be worrying and wondering what your "so called" husband is up to all the time. Do you know how many women have been so talked down to because their husands listen to trash talk and looking at porn? Yet, the guys don't see anything wrong with it or what they do. I say don't put up with it from the start, let him know how you feel. You give someone and inch, they will take a mile. 

You said..

But if you women issued ultimatums at all the men that look at porn, you would all be single. Ok, well many of you anyways. 

You mean to tell me that all men marry women for is to have someone to cook, clean, and wash for them, while they do as they please. You don't see anything wrong with this? 

You said it yourself. Men would rather divorce their wife over looking at porn. You guys will let go of a sure thing over a make believe lover? So what if she has bigger fake ones than Dolly Parton, you're never touch them, but if you want to waste your time watching fake tits spin around, until you are so drunk you can't even sit up in your chair, go right ahead, fool. :rofl:


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Let’s please not let this degenerate into name calling and not forget the purpose of this thread. To help NW2008 with a serious problem in her marriage. Thanks all.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Sorry, but when a man says women will all get a divorce, if she doesn't let her man look at porn, isn't helping her out much. To me, it is helping the problem stay a problem. If a person isn't happy with what the other is doing, they shouldn't be made to feel afraid to let the other one know it.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Honey wow you are good at putting words in people's mouths. I don't know why i'm wasting these words but here goes. Not all porn is trashy and degrading, fake tits bimbos running around. Many women do enjoy it because they know that 95% of porn is garbage and they find the 5 percent that isn't. Honey I know you think that women belong in the kitchen but did you know that there are women that direct and produce films with scripts and passionate scenes? I'm just trying to break you out of that one sided thinking you are obviously trapped in. It all depends what is done with it. Some couples watch it together, tasteful films, some use it as a substitute and frustrate their spouses, some watch it and go commit crimes it's the variety of human beings. Men are visual creatures. Deal with it or start going to Melissa Etheridge concerts. 

Back to Newlywed, you know what I think, what will you do now? have a serious talk looking for common ground? go to therapy? issue an ultimatum? just curious what you are thinking.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

When a married man drains off his desire with porn and a box of Kleenex, to the point where he does not want sex, he is cheating his wife out of sex. Simple as that.

Women have used sex as a weapon for years, but it's only with the advent of the internet that men are now doing a similar thing to women, and on a huge scale. I don't think the men involved set out to do that, it just kind of crept up on them.

It does need to be addressed - sensibly.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> When a married man drains off his desire with porn and a box of Kleenex, to the point where he does not want sex, he is cheating his wife out of sex. Simple as that.
> 
> I agree totally, women and men both don't deserve that. Twain maybe you can share with us men, your once a month program. :lol:


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

martino said:


> Twain maybe you can share with us men, your once a month program.


Sure, but you'll need to think laterally. It's on my site: Premature Ejaculation


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

martino-
My wife gives her viewpoint on this thread: My Experience - The sexuality support group forum


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Interesting read Twain. For me 3 days retention would be a miracle.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

martino said:


> Interesting read Twain. For me 3 days retention would be a miracle.


Well, it sometimes makes me a bit irritable - but only when I am already stressed by work or something. But 7 days is a nice gap. It only starts to really bite when you go over 2 weeks.

It gives me so much energy, I feel I can walk through walls. I could never go back to ordinary sex...

I have to stay away from porn though, it gets me over-excited!


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## newlywed2008 (Sep 9, 2008)

Hi again. Looks like I started quite a debate!  What will I do now? No ultimatum - it's just not me. I thik freedom is really important. I just want a balance between his freedom and my esteem. I think ..someone said ti right though - he is robbing me of sex. withholding in a way. I just wrote ahuge long letter. fessed up that I found out about it accidently but that looked at least once a week. he always said he didn't care if i looked thorugh his computer and i don't usually. Anyway, then I just explained how I felt (all of it) and reminded him that we need to find a way to talk about this and find common ground. Although when I spoke to him yesterday i was fine with it once in a while I think it owul dbe better to just cool it for a while. Then if he wants it again - we do it together. All of this sounds great. My other option is to wait a few days - check and see if he has cooled it (sort of give him the chance) and then, if not send it. whole thing sucks b/c we only found out we are pregnant a fews weeks ago and this is ruining it for me. I should feel so happy and instead I feel....like I have lost something for him. just the way he is dealing with it - the lying. 

I really appreciate all the thoughtful advice. Keep it coming if you have the energy!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Alright well this is pretty much right up my ally.

When i found out my H was addicted to porn it was horrible. he was also not interested in me. i tried everything. talked about how i was feeling, how he was feeling, what i could do, tried different things to turn him on and the results: I ended up resentful and HE ended up resenting me also. No good. DO NOT TRY TO PLEASE HIM right now. Trust me. You will lose every ounce of self respect you have if you do.

If he does not court you do not go after him. Wait for him to come after you. Sucks i know. believe me. but that is the way it works. Youve told him how you are feeling. he has done nothing to change but lie to you. talking to him will do no good. you will only get more frustrated and hurt. he heard you. he is ignoring you. If you continually try and force him to have sex with you it will get ugly. it hurts having to back off, but the alternative is much worse.

I have certain boundaries with my H that keep me from feeling hurt. At one point he was sleeping on the couch and was not even aloud to touch me. I stopped talking. I started enforcing boundaries to protect myself.

Right now my H does not get to see me naked unless he is already turned on. I do not come on to him. i threw away every sexy piece of lingerie i have. If he wants me he's going to have to show me. 

i dont bring it up anymore. if he brings it up i'll talk about it but i keep what i say to a minimum. 

You have to set up boundaries to protect yourself.

Go get some counseling and learn to separate yourself from his behavior.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

martino said:


> Honey wow you are good at putting words in people's mouths. I don't know why i'm wasting these words but here goes. Not all porn is trashy and degrading, fake tits bimbos running around. Many women do enjoy it because they know that you think that women belong in the kitchen but did you know that there are women that direct and produce films with scripts and passionate scenes? I'm just trying to break you out of that one sided thinking you are obviously trapped in. It all depends what is done with it. Some couples watch it together, tasteful films, some use it as a substitute and frustrate their spouses, some watch it and go commit crimes it's the variety of human beings. Men are visual creatures. Deal with it or start going to Melissa Etheridge concerts.
> 
> Back to Newlywed, you know what I think, what will you do now? have a serious talk looking for common ground? go to therapy? issue an ultimatum? just curious what you are thinking.


I didn't say women should be in the kitchen. You buddy think they should be and keep their mouth shut, and let all guys do their thing. I'm trying to say they should be loved and respected, dude. 

If 95% of porn is garbage, than why waste time and money on it? As for Melissa Etheridge, you talk to her, buddy. Maybe you can make her do the right thing and start liking men. Oh, unless you think it's ok to like the same sex. Which is the "IN THING" now, so most likely you do.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Honey said:


> Most "not all" women will not put up with it for long. Also, it is better to be single than to always be worrying and wondering what your "so called" husband is up to all the time. Do you know how many women have been so talked down to because their husands listen to trash talk and looking at porn? Yet, the guys don't see anything wrong with it or what they do. I say don't put up with it from the start, let him know how you feel. You give someone and inch, they will take a mile.
> 
> You said..
> 
> ...


Sorry for the name calling. It's not really my way at all, but I find it hard not to stand up for what I truly believe is right.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

The fact is that 17% of all women struggle with porn addiction
, and it is a fact that the percentange of people that watch it including the 40% of those that watch it are women. 60% of women admitted to having significant struggles with lust. I have no doubts that porn isn't a great thing for me. But it doesn't mean that others might enjoy it. Then again to me romance novels are porn. Which taken into consideration would put the level of woman enjoying porn close to the levels of men.

I worked at a book and magazine store for some time and can tell you that we sold as many copies of playgirl as we did playboy. Overall more smut magizines were sold to men because of the selection.

Just some thoughts.

draconis


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Honey said:


> Sorry for the name calling. It's not really my way at all, but I find it hard not to stand up for what I truly believe is right.


Name calling or any abuse has no justification, here or anywheres in life.

draconis


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

"Maybe you can make her do the right thing and start liking men. Oh, unless you think it's ok to like the same sex. Which is the "IN THING" now, so most likely you do." :iagree:

Newly, another approach was suggested here so you can a)consider backing off and make him earn your affection. b) Become his fantasy girl in real life while staying true to yourself c) Try the fantasy girl route if that doesn't work then become ice cold.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Also I want to remind you that Newlywed came here looking for guy's opinions, not hyper liberal women's opinions.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Hey, guys, I know when to back off, so how about you guys doing the same. I was the bigger guy here, and why do you keep calling me a girl for? 
What? You wish I were?:rofl:


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Oh, and yes, I have seen naughty movies. Happy now?


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

newlywed2008 said:


> I've only been married a year and my husband does not seem as interested in sex as I am although he looks at porn every day. I have never had this issue before. I am in good shape and attractive (I think  but he says it is just a stress release and not causing any problems etc. etc. We are very close - pretty much best friends and I trust him with everything but this is just really hurting me.
> 
> A few weeks ago I was on his comp. and looked at his history b/c I couldn't find a site I had previously been on and...there are many! porn sites there from every single day M-F that he works from home. I don't think he does it all day but I'd say an hour a day anyway. I have talked/cried many times about feeling like he doesn't initiate or want me and he is very attentive and is very affectionate. he is great in every other way.
> 
> ...


Sweetheart, do what you feel is right for you. That is the best advice I can give you. Take care !


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Let him catch you looking at youngstudmuffins.com and see what he has to say. Tell him that he needn't worry, you aren't _really_ attracted to any of those naked, buff, bo-hunks, and that you think his spare tire is 'cute'.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Deejo said:


> Let him catch you looking at youngstudmuffins.com and see what he has to say. Tell him that he needn't worry, you aren't _really_ attracted to any of those naked, buff, bo-hunks, and that you think his spare tire is 'cute'.


Oh, $#!^







that was too damn funny. I have tears in my eyes from that one.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

:scratchhead: Sorry Honey I thought you were a woman! :rofl: Ok so let me get this right, she has a hubby that barely shows her attention and she's suppose to get caught looking at chick porn and insult him on his spare tire?? :scratchhead:

Newly, trust me, turn into a nymph with just an edge of ****tiness. Grab him in restaurants, become unpredictable, become insatiable. Let me know what happens.


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## newlywed2008 (Sep 9, 2008)

Hi everyone. Here's an update. I sent an e-mail to him today. told him I knew and shared how I felt. he is upset that I looked at his history and was 'checking up on him'. I get that. apologized but explained my reason. he has not been at all honest. he did say he wanted to talk it out that he understood my concerns and he could try to give things a go without. i am sure tonight's convo will be tough but - need to have it. so, we'll see. i think it will take a while to feel all good and comf. again but...maybe not. we bounce back pretty quickly. i cannot tell you how much you have all helped me. thank you. i will be sure to try and respond to someone else's question in the future to pass it on!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

newlywed2008-

Don't try to get him to stop in one hit. Better to talk of cutting down. Also, he should not jerk off to porn - no ejaculations. It's the cumming that makes him not want sex with you. It's not the porn itself.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

I agree totally, since men are visual anyways...let him get horny on the porn then go get the real thing from the new you. I think you should also explain to him the stress of being pregnant and how you both need to make sure that you aren't stressed. Again, that can lead to birthing complications.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Newlywed...That's great that you are both now in a place where you can talk about it...good luck tonight and let us know how it goes


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

The things we need to talk about most, are generally the things we want to talk about least. I hope your conversation is productive and you are both able to take something away from it as a result. It needn't be a resolution, but it should be something equitable. I I wish you well.


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## stepmomandwife08 (Nov 18, 2008)

martino said:


> I couldn't disagree more. It all depends on the function of the porn. A lot of women watch porn as well. This is why I asked what kind of porn he is watching. There is some real disgusting porn out there and some of quality as well that does not degrade women.



:iagree:

Thats so very true theres good porn and theres bad porn and heck i like porn..BUT when it starts to turn the marriage sour is when its time to put back the movies and put the attention back to where it should be.It depends on the people in the marriage..some people just cant stand the thought of porn and some people LOVE it but it and other things can turn bad if you dont watch out..you have to find that happy medium...Okay ill shut up now! :smthumbup:


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## LMcP08 (Nov 21, 2008)

I know you wanted a reply from a guy not a girl like me but I think I have something you may benefit from.
Your husband loves you and is still attracted to you. I think in a lot of cases it's like an escape from reality for a short time to them. It is nothing to take personally, although it's easier said than done.
I was in the same situation as you. I figured if I can't beat it then join it. I bought some porn channels and we watched together one night and I think it's good for our relationship every once in a while. 
I am not saying that you should try that if you are not comfortable with it at all but in my case I acted like I was interested in the same thing as him and he felt better knowing that he didn't have to sneak behind my back and I felt better being included. Although he still looks at it alone too, like a way for him to wind down after work or just an escape or something.
Just whatever you do, don't take it personally. He loves you or he wouldn't have married you. Guys are just so different about some things and we may never be able to understand it but we can choose to accept it or fight it. Either way we don't really win.


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