# I want to separate



## Angela1977 (Jun 19, 2017)

Hi all, I'm new here and am just looking for a way to express what I've been feeling to someone.
I'm married, almost 10 years and together for almost 15. Two children, ages 6 and 3. 
My husband has always been critical of me, immature, petty, and has some narcissistic tendencies. I think it's officially time for me to move on. The reason I think this is because we were talking about our marriage the other day, he asked me questions and how I felt, I answered. Then he told me that my answers were not how he would have answered and he told me how he would have answered, and why his answers were superior to mine. 
He is very critical of me, always has been. He blames his stressful job. I pointed out that everyone has stress about something and that no one has a green light to use stress as a justification for hurting someone. He then brought up my behavior from, literally, over 10 years ago when I drank heavily and pointed out how I "always get drunk and say hurtful things." And how well he handled these hurtful things I said. I stopped drinking years ago, and he brought that up like it was recent and ongoing. He also gets very petty with me and our oldest son. My son is afraid of him. He'll talk about how much better a job he does at parenting than I do.
I have been having an emotional affair with another man. He lives in a different town so all of our conversations have been phone and email. We've had cyber sex but have never exchanged nudes or anything like that. I've realized that I don't want to spend another 5 years, 10 years, or ever how long existing miserably.. I want my husband to move out. I am aware that I am also imperfect and that I have done something terrible in having this affair. But I have felt something since talking to this man, and I haven't felt anything in years.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes your affair is wrong. Keep in mind that the affair is a fantasy. If you ever got together with this other man, you would probably find out that he is not really any better than your husband. 

Is this other man married?

To be honest you need to stop the affair until you have filed for divorce at the very least.

If you want a divorce, why haven't you filed yet?


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

Angela1977 said:


> Hi all, I'm new here and am just looking for a way to express what I've been feeling to someone.
> 
> I'm married, almost 10 years and together for almost 15. Two children, ages 6 and 3.
> 
> ...




I'm sorry you're having a hard time.I'm glad you're being upfront about your affair. That is very honest of you. 

However, what you are doing is reckless and you're risking your reputation and the reputation of this other guy you are having a affair with. Not to mention what you'll do to your husband when your he finds out and he probably will.

You're not supposed to have constant awesome feelings for your husband like you have now for this other guy. I know he is being a jerk, but he doesn't deserve this. I've been in your husbands shoes and my soon to be ex wife wishes she hadn't have her affair either now that the dust has settled. 

You'd be smart to end it with this other guy NOW. Cut ALL contact NOW. Don't even warn the other guy. Just get ghost. Get individual counseling and figure out how you can come clean about this to your husband. And see if the two of you can work on yourselves (both of y'all's issues) for the marriage. 




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## Angela1977 (Jun 19, 2017)

If you want a divorce, why haven't you filed yet?[/QUOTE]

General apathy about the marriage. The feeling of treading water, all the while growing more contemptuous for my husband, as I believe he has for me as well. Fear of being a single parent, although I feel like a married single parent now.


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## Angela1977 (Jun 19, 2017)

Thank you for the advice and insight.


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

If you are completely unwilling to work on the marriage, file for divorce. If you're not there yet, get some space. Get counseling. 

I realize I sounded critical saying "you'd be smart.." and that's not helpful. I'm sorry. 

However, I will unapologetically tell you; end the affair. 


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

It's interesting that when we are unhappy with our relationship we start using infinitives. He is always, I am always, it has always been . . . .
I did the same thing this past weekend. I started with you never comments. You never listen to anything I say, you never consider my needs, you never understand me.
Most frequently these infinitive statements reflect our current emotional frustrations, but are not really true. The more accurate truth on my part would have been, " I told you specifically that I bought this, but you have forgotten." or "This may have seemed to be a thoughtful gift when you bought it, but you have forgotten that I can't read print this small any more"
Infinitives are little lies that help us to feel more justified in whatever bit of nastiness we are up to. If we have never been respected then we can certainly disrespect this one time. Kind of like your husband bringing up your past alcohol use,as an excuse for his current browbeating. You see clearly that your bad behavior does not excuse his bad behavior. What you are not seeing is that his bad behavior (belittling) does not excuse your bad behavior (emotional affair). But, if you can paint him in a bad enough light then what you are doing looks justified.
Thank you for considering my advice. It is also helping me to think about my own problem.
MN


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Angela1977 said:


> If you want a divorce, why haven't you filed yet?
> 
> General apathy about the marriage. The feeling of treading water, all the while growing more contemptuous for my husband, as I believe he has for me as well. Fear of being a single parent, although I feel like a married single parent now.


So you need to get a fire under you and do it. This apathy is a form of depression.

That's why you were susceptible to the affair, the affair causes the brain to produce and uptake feel good chemicals like oxytocin and dopamine. So it's energizing.

You have somethings you need to take care of here.

You might want to start by seeing a lawyer.

Do you have a job? What percentage of your joint income do you earn?


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## Angela1977 (Jun 19, 2017)

Thank you for your insight.


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## Angela1977 (Jun 19, 2017)

I work full time and contribute about 60%, I make slightly more than my husband.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Angela1977 said:


> I work full time and contribute about 60%, I make slightly more than my husband.




End the affair yesterday. You will have so many phases to go through before you get out of this and it isn't fair to cling on to someone else for fear of drowning while you process. If you're afraid of being alone, get a dog. I suggest a schnauzer, but then I always do 


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Angela1977 said:


> I work full time and contribute about 60%, I make slightly more than my husband.


So you should be ok financially if you divorce.

What helps when faced with something big like getting a divorce is to make a list of all the things you need to do. Then just work one or two items at a time. What way you are looking at little steps and not this big scary thing called 'DIVORCE'.

Do you know much about the divorce laws where you live?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Angela1977 you know your cyber affair is wrong and being involved in such a thing diminishes much hope when it comes to working at saving a marriage.

My advise would be to approach things this way. Forget about your affair partner, stop that immediately. Focus on yourself and your son, if ending your marriage is in the best interest of both of you then end it. My point being don't ever depend on an affair partner to fix your life, you don't divorce thinking the grass is greener somewhere else, you divorce to escape being miserable in your daily life and so you can take back the control on how to direct your life.


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## Angela1977 (Jun 19, 2017)

Thank you all for your responses. I do want to add that I didn't include in my op some issues we have. One, being that I feel completely neglected and I have for a very long time. We never see each other during the day and in the evenings he is either not home or if he is at home he is locked away in his man cave. I leave him alone but if one of the kids walks in he gets angry with them because he is locked away smoking weed and looking at stuff on the internet. Then, about 8:00 when the kids are getting ready for bed, he's back in the house and about 50% of the time is looking to have sexy time. I don't feel like having sex but I do because otherwise I'm met with criticism for not wanting an active sex life. At this point, I have no desire to fix this marriage. I have checked out. I feel nothing, and when I think about us separating I actually feel relieved.
Thank you all for listening.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I was in a marriage with an extremely negative, critical man. It sucks the life out of you, I felt like barely a shell of myself. I finally got out and never had a moment of regret. End your EA and get your plan together to GET OUT. These types of people never change, he will suck you dry forever.


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

I was very negative and critical of my STBXW. The worst part is I didn't even realize I was doing it. She did things in a manner that I knew was wrong, but I allowed myself to get frustrated. I was trying to make things better, but I did it in a horrible way and eventually I lost her when she started having an affair. 

I'm not trying to justify anything for me or your husband. It's wrong. But maybe there is a reason he checks out in the evenings and gets frustrated and angry. 


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

JBTX said:


> I was very negative and critical of my STBXW. The worst part is I didn't even realize I was doing it. She did things in a manner that I knew was wrong, but I allowed myself to get frustrated. I was trying to make things better, but I did it in a horrible way and eventually I lost her when she started having an affair.
> 
> I'm not trying to justify anything for me or your husband. It's wrong. B*ut maybe there is a reason he checks out in the evenings and gets frustrated and angry. *
> 
> ...


Could be just because he is an ass. Seriously. My XH hated everybody and everything, turned into a crabby old hermit once I left. (@JBTX your situation was different, I've read your thread, its not the same thing.)


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I honestly don't know who's worse, you or your H. No matter how bad your marriage is doesn't give you the right to have an affair...and want him to move out...while he still pays for the house no doubt. He does have things to improve on but at least he's not cheating on you.


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## onefootouthedoor (Jun 29, 2017)

elizabeth001 said:


> end the affair yesterday. You will have so many phases to go through before you get out of this and it isn't fair to cling on to someone else for fear of drowning while you process. "if you're afraid of being alone, get a dog."


best advice ever.


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## onefootouthedoor (Jun 29, 2017)

Hi Angela,

I am sorry that you are going through this. I have been exactly where you are and am only now, after 19 years of marriage, lining my ducks up to get out. 

7 years ago I too had an emotional affair, with an ex-boyfriend, someone who I deeply trusted and had a 'special connection and bond' with. It was so wrong on various levels. And like someone else posted, it was just a fantasy, yet it had me caught up in all these wonderful feelings that I didn't even know existed anymore.

We would have never lasted a minute had we both left our families for each other. Nor, would our reasoning for leaving our families had been authentic or real. The reason for leaving your spouse should not be to fall into the arms of another. It should be to re-establish your independence and self-worth. Changes in you need to be made so your next relationship is not simply a repeat of the one you left. 

7 years later, I am still in the same position in my marriage. My husband has been verbally abusive throughout most of our marriage with his verbal raging attacks mostly targeted towards my daughter. I should have left many many years ago - for those reasons. All those years I felt guilt, fear and stuck. I now know that all these feelings are in my head and I just needed to work through them. Let these feelings rise up through your body and face them dead on. Once you acknowledge these feelings and the root of them, you can work through them, acknowledge them, find solutions to them and diminish them. 

This past year I have done some very deep soul searching and am now actually taking the necessary steps to get myself out of this marriage. I am done. My goal and my reasons are clear. I am manifesting my own house, my own space, my own decisions, my own life, and that is what is going to get me to where I need to be. Not dwelling on the bad, or his faults or the 19 years of joy that he stripped me and my kids of. Now it is about me. It is my vision of where I am going to be. There is no one waiting for me, just me, myself and I *& my kids .

But I cant get to the other side without first walking through the fire - which I am preparing for. It has taken me years to get to this space. I have been seeing a Life Coach who has been supporting me through this helping me to break down my guilt and fears. 

End your affair. Find your inner strength - get help to do this and you will be on your way to get to where you need to be. None of it is easy. But I can feel in my soul that the rewards will be more than I can imagine and I can't wait to get there!

xo


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The best way to end the affair is to end the marriage.

And the best way to end the marriage is to end the affair.

Stay with me here, I'm not just playing with words here.

Your marriage and your affair need each other and are supporting each other and are keeping locked in a hopeless situation.

Your affair is giving you some fantasy relief and giving you some joy in your life that you would not be getting if it didn't exist. It is escapism that is keeping you from either fixing or exiting your marriage.

If your affair were to end, you would realize your marriage and personal life sucks and you would take action to either improve or leave your marriage. 

Your affair is making you tolerate you marriage and simply b1+ch about it.

Your marriage is also keeping your so-called "affair" alive and it is making you believe that the "affair" is a real relationship.

It isn't a real relationship. It is you typing on a keyboard at night stimulation some circuits in your brain that make you feel like you are emotionally connected to another person. In reality you are sitting there looking at a glowing rectangle and typing on a keyboard while everyone else in the house sleeps.

If you were to end your marriage and start making your own life, your A will fade away like a fart in the wind. You would be to busy with real world tasks type about feelings on a glowing rectangle and once you were living on your own and living your own life, you will want to start interacting with and have a real relationship with an actual flesh and blood person in real life rather than some electronic messaging with someone in a different part of the country.

Your "affair" and your dead marriage are working in concert to keep you immobile in this state of limbo and inaction. Between the two of them, you are settling for this current existence.

Pull the ejection handle on either one and the other will dissolve on it's own and that will motivate you take some definitive action in the other area. 

Pull the plug on both and that will give you the kick in your pants to get up and do something with your life.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I just want to add a little background info.

Affairs need marriages and they need either an unaware BS or a complicit BS to survive.

Very very very few affairs survive a divorce. 

There are a multitude of reasons for that. Some if the reasons are the AP simply wants a quick and easy roll in the hay and does not want an actual relationship.

Often times too once the WS is separated, they quickly find out the AP is not relationship material or even interested in a relationship.

Additionally some marriages are only holding on by a tiny string and that tiny string is that the WS is distracted enough by the A and is getting enough strokes from the AP that they are willing to settle and sit in limbo in the marriage because the marriage is either providing them full access to their children and is a roof over their head.

The cast majority of WS's are simply cake eaters that want both the stability, security and resting inertia of the marriage while also enjoying the fun and excitement of the A.

Affairs keep bad marriages from dying a natural death. Affairs can be the artificial life support for brain dead marriages and keep either party from filing the paperwork and doing the heavy lifting required to bring about it's conclusion.

I think this is one of those cases.

I think the A is keeping her in the brain dead marriage.

And I think the shell of the marriage is keeping her A going.

End either, and the other will quickly come to an end as well.

Both together are keeping her in an unholy limbo.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Angela1977 said:


> My son is afraid of him.


That alone would make me divorce him. My kids come first, for as long as they are children. Even before my husband. MY job is to raise a healthy child to become a healthy adult. Fear of a parent is not healthy. 



> I have been having an emotional affair with another man.


That said, you are now the worse person. You no longer have any moral ground to kick him out. UNLESS you end your infidelity 100% and never contact this person again. 

And the fact that you ARE cheating leads me to question everything you have said. Why? Because cheaters ALWAYS rewrite the history of their marriage to justify cheating. 

You have one chance here. End your affair and move forward with divorce. And then look for a NEW potential partner. If you ever go back to this affair partner, you will have become 'one of those people' who broke up a marriage for infidelity. Do you want your kids to carry that legacy?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

3Xnocharm said:


> I was in a marriage with an extremely negative, critical man. It sucks the life out of you, I felt like barely a shell of myself. I finally got out and never had a moment of regret. End your EA and get your plan together to GET OUT. These types of people never change, he will suck you dry forever.


Agreed. But you will forever be the disloyal one if you won't end your affair. You will meet other men. Do you really want to pin your hopes on a man who will commit adultery with a married woman? Do you have any idea how he REALLY sees you (sucker, needy, easy)?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> I honestly don't know who's worse, you or your H. No matter how bad your marriage is doesn't give you the right to have an affair...and want him to move out...while he still pays for the house no doubt. He does have things to improve on but at least he's not cheating on you.


I honestly don't understand why you're always so quick to assume the man pays for everything. 

It's quite misogynistic..... women work too.

If you'd read her responses you'd see that she makes more and contributes 60 percent of the bills, and he seems to have plenty of money for weed.

Just saying.

They're both behaving badly.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> The best way to end the affair is to end the marriage.
> 
> And the best way to end the marriage is to end the affair.
> 
> ...



I agree with this. Your affair is allowimg you to take the cowards way..... you avoid making tough decisions regarding your marriage by spinning a fantasy world that you don't actually have to live in, so you avoid tough decisions while remaining a martyr.

I divorced an abusive jerk. Yes it is hard but it's the only way to reach the light at the end of the tunnel and not remain locked in fantasyland avoiding adult decisions.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

turnera said:


> Agreed. But you will forever be the disloyal one if you won't end your affair. You will meet other men. Do you really want to pin your hopes on a man who will commit adultery with a married woman? Do you have any idea how he REALLY sees you (sucker, needy, easy)?


Also, with this being a purely online affair, you have NO IDEA who he REALLY is. Most likely he is a complete fraud. At the least, he has no morals, as he chooses to carry on with a married woman. 

Dump him, dump your husband. In that order.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Angela1977 said:


> Hi all, I'm new here and am just looking for a way to express what I've been feeling to someone.
> I'm married, almost 10 years and together for almost 15. Two children, ages 6 and 3.
> My husband has always been critical of me, immature, petty, and has some narcissistic tendencies. I think it's officially time for me to move on. The reason I think this is because we were talking about our marriage the other day, he asked me questions and how I felt, I answered. Then he told me that my answers were not how he would have answered and he told me how he would have answered, and why his answers were superior to mine.
> He is very critical of me, always has been. He blames his stressful job. I pointed out that everyone has stress about something and that no one has a green light to use stress as a justification for hurting someone. He then brought up my behavior from, literally, over 10 years ago when I drank heavily and pointed out how I "always get drunk and say hurtful things." And how well he handled these hurtful things I said. I stopped drinking years ago, and he brought that up like it was recent and ongoing. He also gets very petty with me and our oldest son. My son is afraid of him. He'll talk about how much better a job he does at parenting than I do.
> I have been having an emotional affair with another man. He lives in a different town so all of our conversations have been phone and email. We've had cyber sex but have never exchanged nudes or anything like that. I've realized that I don't want to spend another 5 years, 10 years, or ever how long existing miserably.. I want my husband to move out. I am aware that I am also imperfect and that I have done something terrible in having this affair. But I have felt something since talking to this man, and I haven't felt anything in years.


You already had an emotional affair and a quasi-physical one. Save what is left of your honor and divorce him. 

I would caution you, you were able to have an affair, you didn't do the honorable thing. It's wrong and you will hurt yourself if you decided that your poor decisions and actions were all based on your bad marriage and temperamental husband. You have some issues you have to deal with. There were problems in your marriage. There are problems in every marriage. You need to be able in any marriage and life to talk about and address the problems in a healthy way. You need to be authentic. Having an affair is the antithesis of that. Assertiveness is a skill that is absoultly needed to have a good relationship. The courage to speak up and even the self-respect to say that is enough and end it if you have to. I would suspect that this issue was at least part of the problems with your marriage the whole time. Think about it if you had said "never again" and stuck to it the first time you husband abused you how much different would your life be today? Living your life authentically when it is hard is the only way to have a truly happy life. Besides all that things like cheating follow you. Which is true with all really bad decisions in life isn't it?


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## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Angela1977 said:
> 
> 
> > Hi all, I'm new here and am just looking for a way to express what I've been feeling to someone.
> ...


This is the truth right here. 

If your husband is as bad as you say (which is questionable given the fact that people in affairs are known to rewrite their marital history) then why would you risk your reputation and honor with an adulterous relationship? Why would you risk your heart with a man who is willing to do this with a married woman? If you really cared about this new man, why would you start a relationship out like this given the super low chance that it will work out. The stats are sobering on adulterous relationships working out much longer than 2 years.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> I honestly don't understand why you're always so quick to assume the man pays for everything.
> 
> It's quite misogynistic..... women work too.
> 
> ...


Your overall point is valid.

Even when both parties contribute to household budget, many of us will still use terms like "putting food on the table" and "...roof over your head" etc

That is because even if both parties are working and both contributing significant funds to the household, the current level of lifestyle and comfort etc is still contingent on the other person's income.

So while she may be providing 60% of the income, she is still likely maintaining the status quo due to his contributions that are maintaining her current level of comfort and lifestyle, even though she doesn't like him.

She's still using him for lifestyle and financial resources even though she doesn't love or desire him and even though her income is higher than his.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> I honestly don't understand why you're always so quick to assume the man pays for everything.
> 
> It's quite misogynistic..... women work too.
> 
> ...


Yeah, like I said


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## Angela1977 (Jun 19, 2017)

Just to check back in with everyone because I haven't in a long time, I told my husband in no uncertain terms where I was in the marriage. I am seeing a therapist for depression. We are going to start couples counseling and the affair has ended. I'm still harboring much anger but I think that between my own personal counseling and the marriage counseling I will be able to perhaps move on from the anger or make a joint decision with my husband about what we want from our marriage.
Thanks again everyone.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good luck. Just be 100% honest.


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