# Trying to end communication - need advice



## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

I've told my story in previous threads but in a nutshell, ex had 2 affairs (2006 & 2009) and has stayed with this one for 2 years after moving out. He lives across the country & they own a massage(+) parlor together. He didn't want to get divorced but I filed & it became final last November. They are still living together but not married. He has continued to communicate with me that he still loves me and once he gets money, he wants to buy a house for me & move back. It's possible he has moments when he means it (he says their relationship is flat) but he's been with her for 2 years and I haven't seen any action. She makes good money & they both love the lavish lifestyle. Money means a lot to him & over there with her, he doesn't have to face the embarrassment of what he did.

I have tapered answering emails to just responses concerning our last financial obligation. Last week he went AWOL, not answering my question concerning payment. He finally responded that he is "out of town" with her (probably celebrating the "anniversary" of the day 2 years ago that he 1st visited her for a massage). 

So his last email was last night to tell me they are "out of town" & he can't email. I want to send him an email saying it's best we don't email anymore as it isn't fair or right to have 2 relationships going & I accept his choice to be with her. I want to let him know I wish him well & also to let him know I'm fine & moving forward...life goes on for both of us.

I'm going to stay busy today as I have to admit, it's killing me to know they are probably on a cruise (I have reasons to believe this) & we enjoyed cruises together so much. I know it's my hurdle to put jealousy & heartbreak away to heal. I just don't know if I should send the email to stand up to him finally (sort of the 180 that never happened) & say he cannot have me on the side. I can also just stop communicating but I don't want him to think I am pouting. 

It's been 2 years too long (6 years from the 1st affair). I obviously still care for him & I get frustrated with myself for not being angry enough to stop so that I can get out of this hold I let him still have on me. Is no response more powerful or shall I send this email? I've endured years trying to detach from his emotional abuse & don't want to go backwards on my trek to move onward.


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## nikkipooh187 (Apr 18, 2011)

you still love him and thats ok it takes time to let go. i feel like i'm in the same boat as you but were still together and i'm trying to make myself strong enough to let go so i dont feel anymore pain. i've giving him everything he wants and he says he's happy and he hasnt been this happy, but i'm still wondering...why r u still talking with her? the best response is no response because if he knows you dont care about him and that your over him and the situation you might see a change in him...his true feelings will come out for you cause he will know that he lost a good thing.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Don't email him again. You already did and he wrote you back he can't talk to you cause he's away on holiday with her, celebrating their anniversary (yet he's still married to you). Nice, yeah? 

DO NOT CONTACT HIM AGAIN. Do not contact him at all. Has a divorce been filed? He only stays in touch w/ you talking his sweet game because you tolerate it, as harsh as that is to hear. 

Remove ourself as an option. Do you really want to be with someone who has massage sex shops open and that is how he makes a living? You have kids right? Lead by example.


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

I took a long walk after posting and tried to imagine what your responses would be. I was right but your words empower me. I'm glad I didn't email. 

He didn't want the divorce but I pushed it through last November (he ended up defaulting & the judge signed it). He ended up with way more than me but it's over. I thought the nightmare & craziness would end but throughout both affairs & the divorce, he continues to tell me he loves me & wants to end up together. Yet he has never done nothing to show he means it except in words..verbally, email, texts, even on white boards.

I have a problem being a fixer and nurturer. In the end, I wonder if it's a deficit of a personality trait. I have never "rejected" him other than pushing the divorce through, so this would be the only other time I have "turned on him". It's hard but I know it's for me. I still hear his words "You should have fought harder for me like she did" and "it is flattering that a younger woman would want me" (he is 55 and the first was 34, this one 45). As hard as it is to face, I realize he only "loved me" as he can - for his benefit & probably would love to have me on the side for as long as he can. After 17 years and at 59 years it smarts.

2 great kids (not his but he "raised them for the 17 years) who support me and are years ahead in their idea of what a healthy relationship looks like. I agree - I knew I had to go through with the divorce so that they would respect me.

OK - no email. I know he will contact me when he gets back from his cruise.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Be strong and don't email, but what will you do when he emails after his anniversary trip? Decide now, so you don't impulsively act when you get his email.

Sounds like you do need to end all contact. He's keeping you emotionally tied to him, so you don't find someone else. So unfair! He's made his choice. He says you didn't fight for him, well he didn't fight for you either. He could've ended all contact with her and waited for you, even while you were filing for divorce.

Hope you keep up the strength to end communication with him, he's being a cake eater and doesn't deserve you in his life.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

52flower said:


> I thought the nightmare & craziness would end but throughout both affairs & the divorce, he continues to tell me he loves me & wants to end up together. Yet* he has never done nothing to show he means* it except in words..verbally, email, texts, even on white boards..


And there you have it. HE is the one who didn't want to commit to the relationship, NOT you. So stop thinking you are at fault for the end of your marriage. 



52flower said:


> It's hard but I know it's for me. I still hear his words "You should have fought harder for me like she did" and "it is flattering that a younger woman would want me"


Wow. What a d-uchebag. He is no prize. Let her have him.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I kinda am with Jelly on this one, dump the d*uche, are those kind of massage parlors even legal?


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

I'm sure they aren't. Servicing men who pay and critique what you have & can do for them??? EEEUUUUUUU. But I know he will feign "I had no idea" that was going on. He always had strong tendencies of justifying actions that were definitely wrong to me.... one of the things we did not agree on. 

Yes - I know he will expect & be perturbed if I don't answer his emails. I have to build myself up. My parents & family had a very congenial loyal relationship. I wasn't ready for this and have always been more of a "don't rock the boat, deal with it, it's not a big deal" person. I'm sure that's why he loved being with me...it was easy. I admire those of you who have a strong backbone. I want to stand up for once. Older, damaged, but still want to learn. 

Thanks for your words. You don't know how much they run through my mind & are helping me to learn to take a stand for myself.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh trust me, he knew all about it. You said yourself that is how he met her! LOL. She is basically a paid "servicer."

Gross. 

Cut off the chord. You've already tolerated enough of his BS. He has not done one single thing to show you he's committed to you. He left you and your family to take up with a happy ending massage parlor person two yrs ago, still cries to you he's in love with you yet he's with her, told you he can't get back to you cause he's celebrating an anniversary with her. Why are you worried about if he'll get mad you haven't reached otu to him?

You deserve SO much better. Two yrs is too long waiting for him to "change." He is showing you who is. Him saying you didn't fight hard enough is laughable.

You too can have a strong "backbone." It starts with saying NO MORE. I am not going to tolerate this anymore. 

Let go.


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

Thanks Jelly. I've read your story & know you are going through your own hurdles yet you have great wisdom and know how to instill courage & strength. I don't ever want to be a wimp but this is something I never had to deal with. It's time and I know I will be proud of myself in the end. It's just getting there... It tugs at my heart that I was so easily replaced & didn't mean as much as I thought I did.

I still find it hard to believe my stories & all the others that have to deal with very selfish people (men & women). Selfish & skillful enough to justify & blindsight the fact that they are tearing up hearts & leaving permanent scars in others in their way. I know it just is but I read responses from all of you, I'm hopeful that there are compassionate people who try to do the "right" thing.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

That is a totally normal feeling - feeling down cause you feel so "replaced quickly thereafter." It sucks. 

BUT BUT BUT. He's doing you a favor. Trust me. You don't want him the way he is. He is a Class A D-ucehbag! 

They won't understand the permanent scarring of the heart until it happens to them.


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

Is it possible that it will never happen to them? A nephew made the comment that many who cheat & lie never get caught. He seems to fit in that category in many respects. I don't have evidence but I'm pretty sure it's that kind of a place. And yes, he did admit that he met her at that kind of place. He has a perfect situation with her - financially anyways. And all he needs is a warm body to go with it.

He just emailed "Hi Baby. We will get this done. Love you". I didn't answer. Yeah!!! I just have to figure out how to be done with the heart tugging once and for all. I will be so happy when I get there!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ No. He doesn't fit in that category. Because you caught him cheating. So he got caught. As for her, she is a fool. 

There is nothing else to be said about her. You already know what kind of a woman she is--HELLO, she works at a sexual massage place. What more is there to be said? That tell you everything you need to know. And also, that is their line of work. Trash and trashier.

What does he mean "We will get this done?" Is he referring to the D? 

And yes, no responding to him. He uses you as his proverbial doormat/ego boost. Don't be that woman. Time to take a stand and reclaim your dignity. 

You
Can
Do 
It!


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I think they are already divorced, here's an idea, delete that email account start a new one and don't give him the new address.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Awesome idea, Para!


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

The rest of the story.... he is a big investor (almost like an addiction to make lots of money) so he invested a huge amount of our money into two risky investments. They didn't pan out. As a result, he stopped paying the mortgages & bills. He took off & left me to have to short sale our house, sell our vacation home, & give back our 3 week time share. I am now living in my dad's house & have to commute 1 hr to work each way. The reason we still keep in contact is that we got audited & owe thousands (due to investments). I have to know how this is going to get paid. He says the 1 investor is about to repay him. The financial nightmare goes on and on and has resulted in very poor credit & no home for me .... and that is why I feel crapped on...and he is on vacation.

So the emails are to share information on finances, taxes, plans for payment, and any residual joint obligations that pop up. I don't know the likelihood of his getting repaid - it's been a huge emotional & financial nightmare that he created. He hasn't had to change his lifestyle and if anything, life is easier where he is. And it explains why he ran away from the problems he made & prefers to stay with her. I wonder if he will be one of those who gets away with everything. It doesn't seem fair but then at least, hopefully, it can't get worse.


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

No 52Flower, he'll get his somewhere down the road.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

52flower said:


> I wonder if he will be one of those who gets away with everything. It doesn't seem fair but then at least, hopefully, it can't get worse.


Don't even worry about that. Focus on yourself and your kid.


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

All of your thoughts and suggestions are correct. Why do I keep forgetting to save my energy on things I can't have an affect on & use it on things I can? Aaghhh.. 

I did manage to get a phone & not give him the number & feel good about it. He returns in a few days. Either he will be pissed or start asking why I am not responding. I'm wondering if I will think it's right to tell him, once and for all, he has made his choices, I am making mine & moving onward. I have never made that clear. Or would that be counterproductive? 

Kids are great - both in grad school and honest, ethical, and moral people. After 15 years witnessing his shady ways, I am so thankful. Agree-a better investment of energy.

An aside....JB, you are generous in helping others. How are you doing?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I'm just fine.  Thanks for asking.


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

Was the tax/debt issue addressed in the divorce proceedings? If not, go back to your lawyer and get this taken care of through the court - the legal system will enforce the judgement and you can safely eliminate (most, if not all) contact with him.

If you must keep in contact anyway, set up a new email address for friends, family, wetc, and tell them to start using that one. Let him continue to use the old one, but limit how often you check it, and *only* respond if it relates to a financial issue.

In fact, if you've got the OW's email, you could simply forward his lovey-dovey horsepucky to her. That's the mean streak in me talking, and I probably wouldn't do it in my own situation (right now, anyway), but this guy's a creep and deserves to be called on his crap.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ LOL. That would be funny. OW reading about all the ways he wants to get back with you and how he's never gotten over you.


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

Oh you two are quite funny!! My girlfriend did suggest that I should print all his emails & send them to her. Included is one where he is trying to convince me that he loves me more and he refers to her as a witch. That would be hilarious...hehe. I just thought of more to add. I recently found copies of 2 emails he wrote (while we were married) to other women In one he goes on & on that being with her made him so happy & his life would be complete with her by his side. The 2d was to another woman and it was sent 2 minutes after the first with a similar story! He's quite good at this! Both professed that each was the only woman he would ever want. I certainly have experience being on the receiving end of these words! I should include those in the package to the OW or new bride (if she can figure out what he's saying - she's from another country & doesn't understand English all that well). 

This morning I wondered if they went somewhere to get married. That would be just desserts for both, don't you think?!! I think that would put closure to all of this real fast. The joint email was set up after the 1st affair so that he could "prove" he was being forthright. haha...I recently discovered he had 3 other email accounts I did not know about all the while. I have a new email that I never gave to him (he may have run across it through legal papers though). 

The audit came up after the divorce. It applies to our joint tax filings for 2 years that we were still married. I am hoping he is honorable enough to cover it but in the end, I may have to. It's frustrating because that puts a hold on my credit. I still have not responded to his email "Hi Baby" that informs me of the supposed money coming that will solve our tax obligations. Should I send a response that says "Thanks for the update" and nothing more? The only purpose would be that I know the status of whether it looks like the money is coming or not.


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

"Thanks for the update. Let me know when the money comes through." Ignore the other BS.

Then call your divorce attorney and find out if this is something you can get amended or not. If nothing else, he/she will be able to tell you what options you have.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

No, you don't send any polite acknowledgment emails. That's not ending communication. Instead, in a week (or whenever he's been back a few days) you send an email that says "I'm following up on this previous email. I wanted to find out when you'll be taking care of this." Not "if". Not "will he please". When. It's his. Treat it like that's a done deal instead of giving him a way out to screw you over again. He may yet do that of course, but you can certainly put up a road block or two and set up different expectations.


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> No, you don't send any polite acknowledgment emails. That's not ending communication. Instead, in a week (or whenever he's been back a few days) you send an email that says "I'm following up on this previous email. I wanted to find out when you'll be taking care of this." Not "if". Not "will he please". When. It's his. Treat it like that's a done deal instead of giving him a way out to screw you over again. He may yet do that of course, but you can certainly put up a road block or two and set up different expectations.


I like this. Still want you to call your lawyer, though.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

52flower said:


> This morning I wondered if they went somewhere to get married.


It would be hilarious if they did get married and you sent them that email upon their return from holiday/honeymoon.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

just_peachy said:


> I like this. Still want you to call your lawyer, though.


Totally--definitely back it up with seeing what other action can be taken!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

Good ideas on how to respond and also about pursuing info on the tax obligations. In retrospect, perhaps the financial hold scared me from standing up to him. 
Since I have not responded, he has not sent his "Hi Baby" daily report on the money (now I am beginning to wonder if he makes those up anyway). Is this why: 1) he communicates 2) I don't respond with a chirpy "hope you're having a nice day"
3) he gets frumpy & doesn't respond because then he feels like he has his control back...?? And then he makes it a standoff of who will extend the hand. 

I know it probably isn't good to care at this point but it would be very amusing to give her a glimpse of who he really is. She definitely was aggressive in getting him & thinks he's a magnificent catch. In fact this is true for both OM. Both wanted to confront & have it out with me (?!). OM #1 said that I had my chance to make him happy and now it's her turn to do a better job. So much deceit in starting and maintaining an affair.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Hmm--it doesn't matter why or how or when he sends emails or what his motives might be, really. I mean unless he says he put the tax money in your bank account, that is.

I think it would actually be quite funny if your lawyer got the courts to transfer the debt to him alone. Then if they indeed ran off and got married--she could have him AND his debts! What a package! Two for one! :rofl:


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

Leave the forwarding of emails till after you sort out your financial obligations to your advantage and seek a good lawyer up to date on IRS matters. Phone round several, ask for references and get quotes of indicative costs to sort. 

Once done, then send wave after wave of these emails showing exactly what kinda douche bag man he is

No decent women would believe anything that comes out of his lying cheating mouth.

He's not been 100% in your relationship. He made a choice to run off with younger women. This one 15 years younger than him and she will get feed up and tired with his aging body in a few years and then screw him over. She's not the type to hang around and tend to all his needs in 10 years time. You don't work in a massage parlour without learning a few tricks how to fleece the Johns, the "customers.

You appear to be making assumptions that he's having a good time, he's not coz he's emailing you when he's with her. He's a player and thinks he's smart by keeping you on tender hooks hoping you'll have him back if it doesn't work out. Your his insurance so he ain't alone in the future once the young skirt ditches him.

Do you really want a man that doesn't want you? You divorced him. He's finished. He's trying to control you....still! 

Actions speak louder than words. The only action here is him cheating on you with the OW and now he's cheating on her by trying to make you the OW!!!!

Let him know you aint thinking about him. No friendly emails. The others here offer good advice. Keep it business like, forget the pleasantries.


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

Wow - all of your words have given me a fresh mindset & have empowered me. I know I'm not alone but why do some of us get stuck thinking how enjoyable the new relationship is, how he/she adores his/her new partner compared to me, and now he/she will have such a great life? I have to learn how to switch those thoughts off somehow.

I want to be and do everything I read..it all makes sense. I am in the struggle of my life to see this through. I don't want allow him to control me anymore. I've tried and failed many times .. I hope I make it this time.


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

Email from him this morning. The "deal" is the one to pay us back our investment & has been "coming" since 2007. We thought it was lost money until George started communicating again this December.

Hi sweety
George says deal is done but haven't seen any money yet. Says wire came too late to send. I hope tomorrow. 
Love you


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ew. 

He is a piece of work. "Sweetie/love you"


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

It made my stomach knot up. But I have to be honest & face up to the fact that even 1 month ago, words like that made me feel good. What was I thinking? Maybe reading your views has helped me realize my thinking was skewed with false hope. OMG how awful and somewhat embarrassing to see myself that way.

To help my learn to have angry emotions, today I got turned down from 2 credit card applications and also was told the short sale and forfeit of deed on a timeshare is resulting in a 3-4 year moratorium on my credit. This is all while he is on vacation with honey buns donning the $3,000 necklace he bought her for Xmas. I hope it doesn't seem that it's about the money; it's about his character & ethics. I was raised not to cause conflict & have ill feelings so this is new to me but what he does to people for his own self gain makes me angry.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Don't be embarrassed, we are all human and different. Get MAD!!!! It is empowering, just don't do anything rash in you anger.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

Forget the "Hi Sweety...love you" he's playing with you and you should concentrate on the reality. 

"Haven't seen any money yet."

You've been turned down by two credit card applications, meanwhile he's spent thousands of dollars on a neckless for OW! That's the real deal here.

You ought to contact these credit card companies in writing and find out (again in writing) why you were turned down...just for the record. OK?

These credit organisations rely on credit agencies like Equifax, Experian for heaven's sake! Have you ever looked into any of these agencies to see the mess the can make of people's files?

You contact these agencies and whoever to right a wrong.

The information at the source can often be wrong thus compounding errors on decisions made by organisations relying on incorrect data. 

It's at times like this these agencies need a kick up the @ss. A lot of "their" information is often uploaded by a third party. 

Don't let this decline decision get you down and do it all in writing, forget their premium rate lines. Who knows, there will likely be an error which lures you to feel the need to phone their premium rate lines. It happens. 

Don't take this refusal lying down. Make sure your file is correct before applying elsewhere. 

"Hi Sweety's" screwed you and put your stability in retirement at risk. You need to start thinking about screwing him so he needs to pawn that $3,500 neckless and curtail his fantasy spend on OW whilst leaving you with the reality of having to apply for credit and being turned down....ALL BECAUSE OF HIM!. That's your deal here.


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

Thanks for the great pointers Lazarus. He’s already done quite a job and these ideas gave me the will to make sure I’m doing everything I can to fight off more than what’s already been done. I immediately made some phone calls and am waiting to hear. I went to grad school & as much as it bothered me, he referred to me as the "smart one". In reality, I’m not the “smart one” because I blindly trusted him with all of our finances & to do the investing. Now I need to get to work & become the smart one. I gave him too much innocently gullible control over our finances and now I am certain his number one priority is money and sex and I almost believe money wins over sex (!). I knew it was important but never thought he would agree to buy into to sleazy illegal means. 

BTW, I have a feeling his 2 week cruise includes a trip to her native country so that she can renew her citizenship there (& meet the family for the 1st time). It’s a “small but necessary” item to tidy up so that they can return, make a bigger bundle of dough, and purchase more elaborate diamonds, cars, toys, & trips. My kids recently found out that he closed their accounts back in 2008 as a desperate move to get his investments going. Granted, he intended to pay them back a week later with a big bonus but the problem is, he didn’t get the money he was promised and so they are out of theirs. Instead of buying toys & vacationing, what kind of person would not repay their 10K that they could so critically use for grad school? 

Today's email: "Hi Sweety. Money to come in Tuesday. If it does, I'll put some in your account. Love me" I have not responded since all of you encourage me not to, a week ago.


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