# Do WW feel passionate sexual desire for BH after Dday?



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

One recurring topic infidelity threads in which the wife cheats is that she often loses sexual desire for her husband. The notable exception is the cheater who has a heightened sex drive once the affair is underway.

After Dday how often to WW who face undesired divorce feel new and genuine sexual passion for the betrayed husband?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

After my WW's second [known] betrayal I took the spare bedroom. After her third and I ordered her out within 10 days, the last night before she left she came to my room and was acting really strange and demanded sex and was crawling all over me. But it was just her state of mind- like she was half crazy or something.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I think the WW if she is trying to R fakes it until she makes it. The HS is about holding on to what she has, she is fighting to save or fix a marriage.

I think the true desire is something that comes about later on.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

thatbpguy said:


> After my WW's second [known] betrayal I took the spare bedroom. After her third and I ordered her out within 10 days, the last night before she left she came to my room and was acting really strange and demanded sex and was crawling all over me. But it was just her state of mind- like she was half crazy or something.


Be under no illusions, sir... She knew exactly what she was doing, and she was likely "crazy" only because you didn't take the bait. (I'm assuming that you didn't.)


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> After Dday how often to WW who face undesired divorce feel new and *genuine* sexual passion for the betrayed husband?





mahike said:


> I think the WW if she is trying to R fakes it until she makes it. The HS is about holding on to what she has, she is fighting to save or fix a marriage.
> 
> I think the true desire is something that comes about later on.


It would probably be difficult for most BHs to determine how genuine the WW's desire is. It was confusing as hell for me, but I went with it as (for me at least) it was the most uncontrollably powerful urge that I've ever felt in my life.

mahike's comments may echo reality in at least many (if not most) cases, but who knows. I'd think that the determining factor, from the WW's perspective, would be whether or not she ever truly intended to leave her marriage to be w/ OM.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Be under no illusions, sir... She knew exactly what she was doing, and she was likely "crazy" only because you didn't take the bait. (I'm assuming that you didn't.)


Um, I opted for plan B- I drilled her like an oil well.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

thatbpguy said:


> Um, I opted for plan B- I drilled her like an oil well.


Oh, well there you go. :smthumbup:


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Oh, well there you go. :smthumbup:


But it was surreal. For the life of me I couldn't understand her state of mind. As if she was on drugs or something.


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

I don't think that a WW will ever feel as passionate a sexual desire for her BH as she had for her AP, if after Dday, she continued the affair. She may feel passionate sexual desire, but, IMHO, never as strong as for her AP. The reason being, she risked everything for the sex with AP. If she took it underground after discovery, then she saw the devastation and opted to continue.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

bigfoot said:


> I don't think that a WW will ever feel as passionate a sexual desire for her BH as she had for her AP, if after Dday, she continued the affair. She may feel passionate sexual desire, but, IMHO, never as strong as for her AP. The reason being, she risked everything for the sex with AP. If she took it underground after discovery, then she saw the devastation and opted to continue.


I think this is very true.

I wonder if the plain truth be told how many betrayers would say sex was actually better that with their spouse.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

mahike said:


> I think the WW if she is trying to R *fakes it until she makes it.* The HS is about holding on to what she has, she is fighting to save or fix a marriage.
> 
> I think the true desire is something that comes about later on.


I think this explains the majority of the cases. For a woman who cheats, I think it would be very difficult to just shut off feelings unless her AP "stabbed her in the back" in order to save his own skin due to exposure or if he dumps her. No doubt, most would realize that they better do all they can to make the BH happy or risk a divorce. If the WW wasn't much for oral, anal or a high frequency of sex, chances are those things will be offered up during an R.

The real question is what happens when the WW (or WH) feels comfortable that the R is moving along well and the BS shows an appearance of contentment with how things are going? At least this would be my question in the back of my mind anyways.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

Interesting questions on the one hand a truly remorseful wayward wife could be seeking to reconnect and try to maintain their relationship with their BH On the other hand it could be a form of sexual psychological manipulation trying and smooth over the betrayal with sudden increases in sexual interest with the hope that it will keep the betrayed husband off balance with the possible ultimate goal to get pregnant thus tying down the betray husband financially to the marriage it's no state secret that many betray husbands stay for the children so if you throw in an “unexpected” pregnancy a betrayed husband may find themselves with very few options 


One of the many risk when dealing with hysterical bonding you can never truly know what the motivations are.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

It really depends. 

It's called *Hysterical Bonding*. Not everyone experiences it. If the WS is still deep in the affair with the OM, then I doubt it. It also seems like remorse has a great deal to do with it. Usually the HB period fades away after a while. Some claim the HB period never goes away, and they have sex like rabbitts all the time. Not everyone is as lucky as that. Mine last a couple of weeks. 

But as we've seen here, situations differ. Some couples go thru the HB process even while the WW is still in the affair. 

So like I said, it depends.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Why is it all men who have responded? hahahaha


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lordmayhem said:


> Some couples go thru the HB process even while the WW is still in the affair.


This is likely a one-sided HB scenario, at least as I'd define HB. BS feels the need to re-attach (or, at the very least, re-"claim") to the WS, his/her spouse and lover, while WS is simply trying to keep BS on the hook as a solid Plan B.


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

lordmayhem said:


> It really depends.
> 
> It's called *Hysterical Bonding*. Not everyone experiences it. If the WS is still deep in the affair with the OM, then I doubt it. It also seems like remorse has a great deal to do with it. Usually the HB period fades away after a while. Some claim the HB period never goes away, and they have sex like rabbitts all the time. Not everyone is as lucky as that. Mine last a couple of weeks.
> 
> ...


Every time I see you post, I have to keep from slapping my monitor. That icon is the worst 


For my part...If he did suddenly have a raging desire for me, I would not be able to keep from vomiting or thinking he wished I had a d*ck. So that's a giant mood killer, ya know?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

botti said:


> Every time I see you post, I have to keep from slapping my monitor. That icon is the worst


Ha, me too!


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## 12345Person (Dec 8, 2013)

xakulax said:


> Interesting questions on the one hand a truly remorseful wayward wife could be seeking to reconnect and try to maintain their relationship with their BH On the other hand it could be a form of sexual psychological manipulation trying and smooth over the betrayal with sudden increases in sexual interest with the hope that it will keep the betrayed husband off balance with the possible ultimate goal to get pregnant thus tying down the betray husband financially to the marriage it's no state secret that many betray husbands stay for the children so if you throw in an “unexpected” pregnancy a betrayed husband may find themselves with very few options
> 
> 
> One of the many risk when dealing with hysterical bonding you can never truly know what the motivations are.


Lol this is exactly what happened to MrMathias!


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

I beg forgiveness in comparing notes for a different situation, but I am here to learn and finally came "out of the closet" with what we did.

But in short, I quite happily let my husband have a four month "hall pass" while he was out of state. I neglected to mention that he came home for Christmas and it was just like nothing was going on whatsoever. Normal sex. 

At that time he hadn't run into his mistress yet, just seeing different women and trying to find the right one for a live-in partner. There was one that was a candidate and I actually spoke with her at length about the ground rules, but he decided against her.

Very shortly after leaving again though he found the mistress and she moved in for a couple of months. After he came back, at first it was back to normal again, as if nothing had changed. Just like Christmas. 

But we had intended under the original plan for him to cut cold with the mistress, and we both made the mistake of him continuing to correspond with her, mainly facebook messages and video chat. At the same time I was going through all his stuff finding pictures of them together, love notes, and so forth. He's not very smart about hiding anything from me and I suppose that's a good thing, but he wrote his best friend from high school bragging about what he had done, sent pictures of her in panties - and that (the bragging) wasn't part of our agreement. But the funny thing was - that wasn't what did the real damage. 


We also talked in more detail than we had before and the thing that really ate at me was how little respect she had been showing him. I became disgusted with him, lost respect, and lost desire to have sex with him.

We've recovered from that, and remarkably quickly. He implemented the TAM infidelity recovery program and it worked beautifully. 

But the remark I want to make here is about this hysterical bonding. We had no such thing. It just went back to normal again. My husband was definitely beside himself with me saying I didn't love him any more. He's never cried about anything relationship-wise before, and I guess I do feel bad about putting him through it. But it was short-lived, and as we started having sex again it was neither awkward/uncomfortable nor hysterical in the way I see described here.

We had settled into a routine after we got married, both of us quite happy doing pretty much the same thing every day or sometimes multiple times on the same day. A little porn here and there, but for the most part just the same approach every time. So that's what we returned to. 

I'd have to say quite honestly now it's as if it never happened. I could see before that he got quiet when he was thinking about her, missing her - and then a period where it was the reverse: he was thanking God he was with me instead of her. But now, only three months after he got home... back to normal. 

Was it better with her? No, just different. She's a blonde, I'm jet black hair. She's a fricking moron without even a high school diploma and I have an engineering degree. She is spectacularly beautiful, and has a body remarkably similar to mine but admittedly she is just about zero body fat. Looks like me when I was in top condition. In reading what he said to his buddy, I knew even before I read it that she was Ms Hot Stuff in the sack but not better.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

LW your question does not have a simple answer as yes or not, for what I have seen, I could tell you that al depends on the circumstance of the affair and the set of mind of the WW.

Ironacally the kind of WW that seems to be more passionate towards their husbands are serial cheaters.

many WW serial cheaters are broken and love constant external validation but they in their twisted ways love their husbands the most and when affair is discovered and feel rejection from their BH look desesperatly to reconnect with passion with them (missthelove2013, joka, headspin)

also another group that also look desesperatly to reconnect with their BH and honestly seem to look with passion encounter with their BH are the one time mistake that many times are so nervous and regreteful for the betrayal they don't even enjoyed that unique encounter they had with the OM (downjones wife, tears, un_amor_perdido).

the group that seem to be the one that really have less passion for their BH are the played women that have to return to their BH as plan B, they look desesperatly to reconnect with their BH but not because they love them or feel the attachment to them, but because they face possibility to lose it all and look for the easiest way to engage a man again.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

hmmm....HB for about 3 days. Then sex 3 or 4 times over the next few months then nothing for 9 months. Game over.

Lots of reasons why not during that 9 months. In the end I just couldn't help laughing to myself what the next excuse would be - there were so many "I'm having issues", "I've got demons", "I've got issues with my father", I'm tired"....

At the end she just outright refused saying "I don't feel like it, "I'm not just a piece of meat"....

Didn't even bother with the previous BS "deeper" more credible excuses by then. The truth will out.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Happyfamily said:


> Was it better with her? No, just different. She's a blonde, I'm jet black hair. She's a fricking moron without even a high school diploma and I have an engineering degree.



well there you are! EVERYONE knows that ENGINEER SEX is the hottest type of sex!!


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> My husband and i have ALWAYS had incredible sex. I was a virgin when I met him so he was my one and only. I only had sex with the OM one time so maybe I don't qualify to answer this question....but my desire for my husband never waned. I always wanted to have sex with him...before, during, after and still.
> 
> Sex is very important to both of us...when we are together..*.we very seldom skip a day*. This has been true our whole married life....42 years.


No wonder you both seem so happy. :lol:


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

manticore said:


> many WW serial cheaters are broken and love constant external validation but they in their twisted ways love their husbands the most and when affair is discovered and feel rejection from their BH look desesperatly to reconnect with passion with them (missthelove2013, joka, headspin)
> 
> also another group that also look desesperatly to reconnect with their BH and honestly seem to look with passion encounter with their BH are the one time mistake that many times are so nervous and regreteful for the betrayal they don't even enjoyed that unique encounter they had with the OM (downjones wife, tears, un_amor_perdido).
> 
> the group that seem to be the one that really have less passion for their BH are the played women that have to return to their BH as plan B, they look desesperatly to reconnect with their BH but not because they love them or feel the attachment to them, but because they face possibility to lose it all and look for the easiest way to engage a man again.


Thanks for relating this. I want to understand how the different experiences matter. As a woman I can see how having a deep fear of rejection or having your whole life ruined results in an enormous relief during sex. The name "hysterical bonding" is self-explanatory. A great term. The key component seems to be desperation. 

What *Horizon* kind of fits in there because once the worry fades - no need for hysterical bonding.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Happyfamily, may I ask why you gave your husband a "hall pass?" Did he request it?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Happyfamily said:


> But the remark I want to make here is about this hysterical bonding. We had no such thing. It just went back to normal again. My husband was definitely beside himself with me saying I didn't love him any more. He's never cried about anything relationship-wise before, and I guess I do feel bad about putting him through it. But it was short-lived, and as we started having sex again it was neither awkward/uncomfortable nor hysterical in the way I see described here.


You didn't have HB because he wasn't cheating. Everything he did sexually with her was with your prior knowledge and permission.


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

jld said:


> Happyfamily, may I ask why you gave your husband a "hall pass?" Did he request it?


Oh no, not only did he not request it, but it took more than two years before he finally agreed. What got him to agree was coming here to TAM and reading a lot of other material on how people recovered from infidelity. He felt like he needed to have the security of knowing what to do in case I was wrong about my assurances to him that I was OK with it. 

I had a lot of training in anthropology in college and did my honors paper on polygamy in different cultures. I did the engineering major because if you want to work as a secretary, then anthropology is the major for you! Or history, or English.

Well, I ended up being a mother and homeschool instructor but will at some time go back for a graduate degree so that I have currency in training when the time comes. 

But this background gave me insight that is completely lacking in our culture. The simple truth is that I wanted to treat my husband to something that I saw hundreds of millions of other women were capable of historically, and believe me he was taken by surprise as this unfolded. I have to admit too that this was something I resolved to do, to strengthen myself, almost in the way I approached both my academic and athletic training. I followed a systematic program of training myself to get accustomed to the thought of my husband being with another woman. It isn't something you can just do overnight. You can watch him with porn, with internet stripper girls, with live stripper girls - follow a gradual program of acclimation. When it came to the real thing it was surprising how easy it was. 

I was extremely nervous about coming out of the closet with this, and I absolutely am not here to promote open marriages. But what I can say with a high degree of confidence is that women can much better prepare themselves (and men too) for an affair or other treachery in marriage by _planning for it_ instead of thinking idealistically/unrealistically and have it catch you completely by surprise... devastate you... leave you reeling without capacity for dealing with it effectively.

The fact you put a fire escape on a house does not mean you are planning to burn the house down. And likewise, thinking through how you will handle an affair does not mean you want it to happen. I am a far stronger woman now than someone who curls up in a ball because their husband boffed a stripper while on a business trip. It seems to me that women would benefit by thinking about, reading about, and doing some preparation for it, given that in some surveys it is up to 70% having affairs. 

I looked at this not much differently than I would in training for a marathon, which I have also just decided to do even though I am not a track or distance runner. Marathoning is not my lifestyle, nor are open marriages. We did it once. That doesn't mean we are ever going to do it again. 

Yes, *Nucking Futs* I agree with you.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Well, it is certainly up to both of you how you want to run your marriage.

My husband is gone a lot, but he does not have my permission to do anything with anyone else, and neither do I have his. We trust each other not to. If it happens, we'll deal with it then, I guess. We are not training for it, though.

Hf, your husband had to be talked into this for two years? And then he got attached to the gal? Don't you think maybe he was not a good candidate for this sort of thing?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

jld said:


> Well, it is certainly up to both of you how you want to *ruin* your marriage.
> 
> My husband is gone a lot, but he does not have my permission to do anything with anyone else, and neither do I have his. We trust each other not to. If it happens, we'll deal with it then, I guess. We are not training for it, though.
> 
> Hf, your husband had to be talked into this for two years? And then he got attached to the gal? Don't you think maybe he was not a good candidate for this sort of thing?


fify


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In my case, ya.......the old lady always had a thing for what I do in the sac.
Its the emotional, the bandaid, tell me what I want to hear crap that the OM's provided. 

Yes there was a time when I got mine first, but I also wasn't so selfish a lover that I made sure she got her needs met. At the end of the day it was the sex that kept us together.

As we matured and got wiser we both saw how unhealthy we both were behaving and with that we both found a passion for each other.

The way I see it is we both had the grace to forgive and that grace also came with a huge degree of passion to make it work and meet each others needs.

Its easy to have passion when she knows she will never end up on the floor wiping snot from her nose just like I know she will never leave in the middle of the night to help a "friend" out.....


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

jld said:


> Well, it is certainly up to both of you how you want to run your marriage.


You are so kind. Hugs to you!



> My husband is gone a lot, but he does not have my permission to do anything with anyone else, and neither do I have his. We trust each other not to. If it happens, we'll deal with it then, I guess. We are not training for it, though.


You are extended exactly the same courtesy from me. 



> Hf, your husband had to be talked into this for two years? And then he got attached to the gal? Don't you think maybe he was not a good candidate for this sort of thing?


No, he wasn't very attached to her. Fact is he complained about her a lot and I kept telling him to forgive her immaturity. He even threw her out once and I told him to give her another chance.

But for a kind person, it is difficult to just cut cold, and as he said it was like a death in the family. I thought it would be OK if they continued corresponding after he got back, but that was a mistake. It was completely different, a violation of my home turf and I also felt completely different about her disrespectful treatment of him. 

Once he saw how I felt he cut it off completely and never spoke to her again. She tries, but he does not respond. I still have her in my friends list on facebook, and I am on hers. 

We are both VERY happy.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm confused.....


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Dam it...this is what happens when you doint read the whole thread!

Hf you *were* selling your self short. Command respect and phuck that "hall pass" crap. Your old man knows were his bread is buttered and it ain't from that dumb @ss chick.

I hope your old man sees the big picture and its solid you guys got your sh1t together.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Hf, does anything about what you and your dh and that girl did seem unhealthy to you?

Look, you are a smart gal. I am really glad you are on TAM. Your posts are certainly interesting.

But intellect is not all of life, Hf. People have feelings, too. Do you not think what you did was risky?

And was it really necessary?


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## Just Joe (May 26, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> One recurring topic infidelity threads in which the wife cheats is that she often loses sexual desire for her husband. The notable exception is the cheater who has a heightened sex drive once the affair is underway.
> 
> After Dday how often to WW who face undesired divorce feel new and genuine sexual passion for the betrayed husband?


From my personal experience pre-marriage, whenever one partner is dumping the other, the dumpee usually feels very intense desire for the dumper. That is, as long as the dumpee wasn't "done" with the relationship. I noticed this both with myself and friends of mine.

In an affair situation, it usually is the betrayed who has the "being dumped" feeling, which I think accounts for some of the desperate measures they take, and also how strongly in love and attracted they feel about their betrayers. My observation is that this is human nature, maybe some psychology major out there will confirm or deny that there is something known about this.

Anyway, I think when the betrayed finally decides to divorce and dump the cheater, the cheater will feel that same strong sexual desire and "in love" feeling but IF, and ONLY IF, the betrayer truly fears losing the relationship and truly didn't want to lose the relationship. I don't believe it will be the case if the cheater was looking to exit the relationship and doesn't really care if it ends.

I was looking at Road Scholar's thread, and I think this MIGHT have happened with his wife. I think he says, that she says, it was like a switch was flipped when she realized she was losing him, that she never intended to leave him.

We can uncover a lot of facts and evidence about the affairs, the one thing we can't get at is the private thoughts inside the cheater's head.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I can only share how it went for us.

Our HB lasted about 2 weeks - it was after the NC was implemented with the OM. It was completely mutual.

DDay was May 5, 2011
NC established about June 1, 2011 or so
HB was from about June 1 through June 15

I do feel that during HB she was still shaking off the love bug from him though. It came out afterwards that she was still very much struggling in her head about her feelings. 

I think the HB resulted from us surviving the initial impact of the EA. It was borne from relief mixed with panic at what almost happened, if that makes any sense.

After June 15, we settled back into normal sexual patterns.


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

jld said:


> Hf, does anything about what you and your dh and that girl did seem unhealthy to you?
> 
> Look, you are a smart gal. I am really glad you are on TAM. Your posts are certainly interesting.
> 
> ...


I don't feel the need to convince anyone to adopt my own approach to life. But it has always been important to me personally to think on my own, research questions thoroughly before deciding, and test myself. 

I am impervious to certain aspects of either infidelity, break-up, or death of my husband now. Not all, of course - no way. But that's a part of what I was doing. 

Of course people have feelings and that's why you have to be completely honest between husband and wife as well as any person they get involved with. Of course there is risk too, and that's why you always research what you are doing and make all the right preparations. Base jumping has risks, so you don't just go jump off a cliff without the right preparation. 

What is "healthy" for one person is unhealthy for another. I felt very dissatisfied with the extremely narrow view of men's and women's roles in marriage and society in the politically correct atmosphere I grew up in. More than anything else I was extremely offended by people with the hubris of commandeering my own heart and mind. If you really want to piss me off, then tell me I can't feel the way I do about something. I found a great deal of validation in studying other cultures and their approach to marriage/societal roles. By looking at why they followed their own mores, it helped me to better understand my own mind and also avoid mistakes. 

It was as necessary for me as the mountain climber who ascends Everest. It doesn't mean he wants to live up there either. Just a challenge he took on, and if you have to ask why then he'll never be able to explain it to you anyway.


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