# What does "emotionally unavailable" mean?



## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

I've seen many women complain that men in their lives are emotionally unavailable, but I have no idea what it means. I've asked a couple other times on other boards but I've never gotten a satisfactory answer that I could comprehend. 

This board is a good bit larger than others I've been on so maybe some better answers here.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

He has issues with expressing his feelings. Has trouble committing.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

I always felt this was the code word for not listening to me. By that, I mean listening, understanding, sympathizing, but not trying to fix. Can mean aloof as well.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

If you consistently say "I don't know" when asked how you feel, you're emotionally unavailable.

If you don't think to comfort a person who is upset, or find yourself unable to do so, you're emotionally unavailable.

If you don't feel like you have deep feelings for anybody including your spouse, friends, parents, and altercations with them don't upset you to some degree, you're emotionally unavailable.

If you can go for a very long time without at least trying to meet needs of someone you're in a relationship with, you're emotionally unvailable. 

If you have to ask what emotionally unavailable means, chances are you are emotionally unavailable .


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

An emotionally unavailable person is one who either can't or won't share in the emotional aspects of a relationship. The physical stuff, the mundane day-to-day stuff, yes. But they aren't willing or able to be engaged with a partner on an emotional level. They can't offer the emotional intimacy one would normally expect in a relationship. They can't be vulnerable with a partner, and don't want to deal with their partner's vulnerabilities either. 

If you'll google "signs of an emotionally unavailable person" or something to that effect, you'll get a host of lists explaining how to tell if you're dating one. If you recognize yourself in those lists, then it's likely you are one.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It means you're not emotionally present in a relationship. Hard to connect to others, empathize, sympathize, share your heart/feelings/expressions/sentiments/meet a partner halfway.

It's not good for a relationship.



SecondTime'Round said:


> IIf you have to ask what emotionally unavailable means, chances are you are emotionally unavailable .


Not true. Maybe people are just questioning because they've heard of the term and don't really know anything about it. Research.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Good article here... 16 Signs Your Man Is Emotionally Unavailable | The Stir



> *1.* Not talking. Sure, maybe your guy loves to talk about baseball, work, or that man cave he's determined to build in the basement one day. But when it comes to subjects that require any degree of connecting with his emotional side -- how your relationship is doing, how he feels about his crappy boss, his fears about how to pay for the kids' educations -- he clams up. Refusing to engage in any topic that might inflame emotions ("I don't want to argue about that!") is just a way of avoiding them altogether.
> 
> *2.* Being passive-aggressive. Many a passive-aggressive man has driven many a woman to near insanity. This is the guy who will say he's going to do something, or agree with a plan, but subtly go out of his way to sabotage it. For instance, he says he definitely wants to visit your in-laws. But when the time comes, he's always sick, or working too much, or (fill in excuse here). He'll say he's going to fix the garage door tomorrow, but then you have to remind him about it 50 times. He finally explodes because you're "nagging." He finds it virtually impossible to risk "confrontation" by saying no to something or saying how he really feels -- and he may not even acknowledge how he really feels.
> 
> ...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Great list, SA.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Wife says: how's your day? How you doing? What do you think of....

Husband hears: ...blah blah...boobs....blah blah....barbecue....blah blah...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Jellybeans said:


> Great list, SA.


It's something I personally, have not experienced with my husband in all our years.... reading what some women go through in this area (I sympathize!) as I can ONLY IMAGINE my *impatience *with it.... there are some things I just wouldn't be able to handle....and an emotionally Unavailable man is on the very top of that list...

I can't say any of these are true of my husband even in a small degree.. Oh he may be a little passive by his very nature (being a Phlegmatic & all) but if I ask him a question....* I will get an honest answer*..so I better be prepared to hear it..and he's never minded my "digging" -seeking to know him deeper... he likes it ! 

He's very tender hearted, has always cared how I feel...he even wants my "take" on things... if he senses I am not happy/ feeling down .... he will be the 1st to ask me what is wrong so we can talk about it.. (I love these things)...

If he even spoke to me in a cross way (like working on a project, things going wrong, I walk into the room & he says something on the cuff a little angry -for example)... he is likely to apologize later telling me I didn't deserve that.... I've even laughed at him (but in a good way) that "Dam* that was sweet!"...telling him I didn't even think much of it.. that I would have reacted the same way!!

He's very easy to live with ...and love. 

So there is the plus side to being Emotionally available to your wives.. it keeps us happy, connected, fulfilled , and we love on YOU more..


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

SimplyAmorous said:


> It's something I personally, have not experienced with my husband in all our years.... reading what some women go through in this area (I sympathize!) as I can ONLY IMAGINE my *impatience *with it.... there are some things I just wouldn't be able to handle....and an emotionally Unavailable man is on the very top of that list...
> 
> I can't say any of these are true of my husband even in a small degree.. Oh he may be a little passive by his very nature (being a Phlegmatic & all) but if I ask him a question....* I will get an honest answer*..so I better be prepared to hear it..and he's never minded my "digging" -seeking to know him deeper... he likes it !
> 
> ...


Every woman's dream . I have none of this.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> It's something I personally, have not experienced with my husband in all our years.... reading what some women go through in this area (I sympathize!) as I can ONLY IMAGINE my *impatience *with it.... there are some things I just wouldn't be able to handle....and an emotionally Unavailable man is on the very top of that list...
> 
> I can't say any of these are true of my husband even in a small degree.. Oh he may be a little passive by his very nature (being a Phlegmatic & all) but if I ask him a question....* I will get an honest answer*..so I better be prepared to hear it..and he's never minded my "digging" -seeking to know him deeper... he likes it !
> 
> ...


It is a very lonely life to live with anyone that is emotionally unavailable.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

IT means you are a male.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Hicks said:


> IT means you are a male.


Nah. I like guys. I don't believe there's anything wrong with guys being guys. But, an emotionally unavailable guy is different from the standard "male" stuff guys usually have going on. A man can be emotionally invested in his partner. He can have empathy, be compassionate, consider her, love her, be giving. He might not be as emotionally demonstrative as a woman, but healthy men are capable of emotional connection. 

An emotionally unavailable person - male or female - really isn't willing or able to do that, for whatever reason.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I can't say any of these are true of my husband even in a small degree..
> 
> He's very tender hearted, has always cared how I feel...he even wants my "take" on things... if he senses I am not happy/ feeling down .... he will be the 1st to ask me what is wrong so we can talk about it.. (I love these things)...
> 
> ...


You are a lucky woman!  Your husband sounds awesome. 

And yes, dealing with an EU person is very grating! LOL



Hicks said:


> IT means you are a male.


There are many women are are EU so it's not gender-specific.


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

So if someone were emotionally unavailable and didn't particularly want to change, would they be better off seeking a relationship with someone who was also EU? Or would that cause twice as many problems?

I'll be honest, I see myself in several of qualities on those lists of what makes someone EU, and frankly they aren't things I want to change about myself. To me it seems the opposite of "emotionally unavailable" is "needy"


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Joey2k said:


> So if someone were emotionally unavailable and didn't particularly want to change, would they be better off seeking a relationship with someone who was also EU? Or would that cause twice as many problems?
> 
> I'll be honest, I see myself in several of qualities on those lists of what makes someone EU, and frankly they aren't things I want to change about myself. To me it seems the opposite of "emotionally unavailable" is "needy"


Yes, that is exactly what an EU person would say.

About choosing someone who is also EU....interesting question. I'd tend to say no because then what is the point of a relationship? Just sex and someone to split bills with?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Rowan said:


> An emotionally unavailable person is one who either can't or won't share in the emotional aspects of a relationship. The physical stuff, the mundane day-to-day stuff, yes. But they aren't willing or able to be engaged with a partner on an emotional level. They can't offer the emotional intimacy one would normally expect in a relationship. They can't be vulnerable with a partner, and *don't want to deal with their partner's vulnerabilities either.*


I've been dating an emotionally unavailable man for a little over a year, on and off, and I agree with everything said above, except the last bit - and that's only based on my personal experience.

He's super sweet, kind, generous, amazing kisser, best sex I've ever had. He calls me his girlfriend and has a nickname for me - and he does show a lot of empathy. He cares for me if I'm not feeling well, and he shows genuine concern and understanding for things I struggle with. 

And he's super thoughtful. My last birthday was the best I've ever had, and he went out of his way to make it special. 

He knows I'm cold natured, so he keeps flannel sheets on the bed, and earlier this week, he went out and snagged an electric blanket for me.

But, emotionally, our relationship is very shallow. I'm vulnerable with him, but it's consistently met with silence. 

He doesn't discuss how he feels or what he thinks of me. He's a few years older - never been married, and never discusses a shared future. He does offer compliments, but they're rare.

But with where I am in life right now, I accept his behavior. I really, really hate dating, so having him in my life adds a certain level of balance that I prefer.

In a couple of years, when my youngest graduates, I'll be selling my house, and I'll move away. In my head, when I make plans for the future, I plan just around me.

There are holes when dating a person like this, but no more or less than with the man I was married to for 20 years.

Part of me agrees with Hicks, and I often wonder if we (myself included) simply expect too much from relationships these days.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

alphaomega said:


> boobs....blah blah....barbecue....blah blah...


Haha! Now that is funny.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Joey2k said:


> So if someone were emotionally unavailable and didn't particularly want to change, would they be better off seeking a relationship with someone who was also EU? Or would that cause twice as many problems?


What you would need to be is honest. With yourself and with prospective partners. If what you're really looking for is a friends-with-benefits arrangement, then say that. And behave that way. If she's down for the same thing, you're golden. Some women will be just fine with that, since that's what they want too. 

But what absolutely _not_ okay is to represent yourself as someone - through word or deed - who's looking for a real relationship, when all you're actually willing to give of yourself is sex and the occasional bit of casual friendship. Make sure your actions and words match. Don't tell women you love them if you don't. Don't say you're looking for a wife/partner if you really aren't. Don't lead people on. Be authentic, with yourself and others. It's actually okay to be emotionally unavailable, if that's what works for you. The problem is when you're in denial about it - to yourself or to the people you're in relationships with.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Joey2k said:


> So if someone were emotionally unavailable and didn't particularly want to change, would they be better off seeking a relationship with someone who was also EU? Or would that cause twice as many problems?


It may work. But I find that generally one person does care to meet the others needs... and then it won't work. 



Joey2k said:


> I'll be honest, I see myself in several of qualities on those lists of what makes someone EU, and frankly they aren't things I want to change about myself. To me it seems the opposite of "emotionally unavailable" is "needy"


It's not "needy" to open up to you parrtner. It's called being "emotionally intelligent." Or being a reciprocal partner. That's what "partnership" is about. Give and take and sharing.

Did someone tell you you are EU?

I have dated an EU before. It's why I ended it. Not worth it in the long run.



minimalME said:


> He's super sweet, kind, generous, amazing kisser, best sex I've ever had. He calls me his girlfriend and has a nickname for me - and he does show a lot of empathy. He cares for me if I'm not feeling well, and he shows genuine concern and understanding for things I struggle with.
> 
> But, emotionally, our relationship is very shallow. I'm vulnerable with him, but it's consistently met with silence.
> 
> ...


Better the devil you know? You said your ex was like this. Was that why your marriage ended? Perhaps you feel most comfortable in a relationship like this because it's what you are are now used to and view as your "normal."


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

minimalME said:


> I've been dating an emotionally unavailable man for a little over a year, on and off, and I agree with everything said above, except the last bit - and that's only based on my personal experience.
> 
> He's super sweet, kind, generous, amazing kisser, best sex I've ever had. He calls me his girlfriend and has a nickname for me - and he does show a lot of empathy. He cares for me if I'm not feeling well, and he shows genuine concern and understanding for things I struggle with.
> 
> ...


See, this is what I don't understand. He sounds like such a great catch, someone who's really good to you and loves doing things for you, and you still have to find something wrong and complain that he doesn't talk about his feelings enough

(Not trying to pick on you, it's just your post sums up a lot of my confusion).

It's like the old joke about the husband store:



> A store has just opened that offered free husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:
> 
> “You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors to choose from. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!
> 
> ...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Rowan said:


> What you would need to be is honest. With yourself and with prospective partners. If what you're really looking for is a friends-with-benefits arrangement, then say that. And behave that way. If she's down for the same thing, you're golden. Some women will be just fine with that, since that's what they want too.
> 
> But what absolutely _not_ okay is to represent yourself as someone - through word or deed - who's looking for a real relationship, when all you're actually willing to give of yourself is sex and the occasional bit of casual friendship. Make sure your actions and words match. Don't tell women you love them if you don't. Don't say you're looking for a wife/partner if you really aren't. Don't lead people on. Be authentic, with yourself and others. It's actually okay to be emotionally unavailable, if that's what works for you. The problem is when you're in denial about it - to yourself or to the people you're in relationships with.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Did someone tell you you are EU?


No, but I see the term thrown around in ways that has made me wonder. The fact that I don't understand it reinforces the thought that I might be that.


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## shalom_82 (Nov 23, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Good article here... 16 Signs Your Man Is Emotionally Unavailable | The Stir


WOW. This list is blowing my mind. My husband has been doing almost everyone of these things (the exception being cheating) and I never thought of them as being related.


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

Rowan said:


> What you would need to be is honest. With yourself and with prospective partners. If what you're really looking for is a friends-with-benefits arrangement, then say that. And behave that way. If she's down for the same thing, you're golden. Some women will be just fine with that, since that's what they want too.
> 
> But what absolutely _not_ okay is to represent yourself as someone - through word or deed - who's looking for a real relationship, when all you're actually willing to give of yourself is sex and the occasional bit of casual friendship. Make sure your actions and words match. Don't tell women you love them if you don't. Don't say you're looking for a wife/partner if you really aren't. Don't lead people on. Be authentic, with yourself and others. It's actually okay to be emotionally unavailable, if that's what works for you. The problem is when you're in denial about it - to yourself or to the people you're in relationships with.


I don't understand why (or believe) you can't have a "real" relationship or love someone if you are emotionally unavailable, as it's described here. You can care about each other and do things for each other and have each others' back without having to share your feelings all the time.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

What about someone who has just been through so much hell they can only muster a certain level of affection, romance, empathy? Could that fall into EU also or does that have another name?


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

Shoto1984 said:


> What about someone who has just been through so much hell they can only muster a certain level of affection, romance, empathy? Could that fall into EU also or does that have another name?


Jaded, maybe?


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## shalom_82 (Nov 23, 2014)

Joey2k said:


> So if someone were emotionally unavailable and didn't particularly want to change, would they be better off seeking a relationship with someone who was also EU? Or would that cause twice as many problems?
> 
> I'll be honest, I see myself in several of qualities on those lists of what makes someone EU, and frankly they aren't things I want to change about myself. To me it seems the opposite of "emotionally unavailable" is "needy"


I am gathering that you have an inner conflict going on, because on the one hand you want to "stay the same" and on the other you want to have a relationship with the woman you've chosen. There are reasons why you chose her. 

I would like to suggest that you be open to compromise. I hope that you can view compromise as a path to freedom. You don't have to be stuck in your ways and she in hers. You two can together reach an agreement. 

This process of compromising will require you two to listen to each other long enough to negotiate. You can't simply come to the table with the ways that you are willing to accommodate her needs and demands for how she should accommodate yours.

Instead, you have to actually be open to accommodating her in ways that she wants you to and in return she has to be open to accommodating you in ways that you want her to.

I hope that you can hold onto the good things in the relationship that you commit to by being open to changing when your partner needs that of you.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Joey2k said:


> I don't understand why (or believe) you can't have a "real" relationship or love someone if you are emotionally unavailable, as it's described here. You can care about each other and do things for each other and have each others' back without having to share your feelings all the time.


I do agree with you here. The poster that shared about her EU boyfriend, but then went on to talk about how kind and thoughtful he is....I do not personally consider that EU. My EU SO deliberately ignored my birthday, doesn't hug or kiss me, doesn't tell me he loves me, or even ask me one time how I was feeling when I was recently sick for three weeks. He'll do whatever I ask (can you pick the kids up, get some milk, change the lightbulb), but anything involving me? Nope. And at this stage in our relationship he KNOWS he is doing this and even refused our MC's request to "fake it 'til you make it."


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Better the devil you know? You said your ex was like this. Was that why your marriage ended? Perhaps you feel most comfortable in a relationship like this because it's what you are are now used to and view as your "normal."


Well, what's hard for me is that I find 'normal and healthy' to be somewhat of a myth. I've yet to meet a person who doesn't struggle with something. 

But you're right, I am comfortable with dysfunction.

My marriage ended because it was sexless, and my husband refused to even discuss why.

During our separation, I tried to approach this issue twice, and he acted disgusted, as though I was asking for something unreasonable.

That was unacceptable. 



Joey2k said:


> See, this is what I don't understand. He sounds like such a great catch, someone who's really good to you and loves doing things for you, *and you still have to find something wrong and complain that he doesn't talk about his feelings enough*
> 
> (Not trying to pick on you, it's just your post sums up a lot of my confusion).
> 
> ...


Actually, there wasn't a word of complaint in my post. I was simply stating the way things are. 

Limited intimacy, limited communication, limited depth, our eventual parting of ways - these are his choices - not mine.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Shoto1984 said:


> What about someone who has just been through so much hell they can only muster a certain level of affection, romance, empathy? Could that fall into EU also or does that have another name?


Realist (ha!) or just Jaded.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

minimalME said:


> I've yet to meet a person who doesn't struggle with something.


That's because that person doesn't exist. The human experience is not perfect at all.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Joey2k said:


> I don't understand why (or believe) you can't have a "real" relationship or love someone if you are emotionally unavailable, as it's described here. You can care about each other and do things for each other and have each others' back without having to share your feelings all the time.


Being emotionally available isn't about sharing your feelings all the time. It's about being able to give of yourself emotionally to another person. If you can care about your partner, have your partner's back, love your partner, chances are you're not EU. Being emotionally available isn't about being emotionally demonstrative in the rom-com, chick-lit, sort of way. Not serenading your beloved with sonnets or quoting poetry does not mean you're emotionally unavailable. It's about being emotionally engaged and present in a relationship. It's about being able to offer love as well as receive love. 

If you're still hung up on your ex, if you're in another relationship, if you're emotionally detached, if you're suffering from a personality disorder, if you're strongly self-centered, if you're just too screwed up emotionally to participate in a reciprocal relationship because of your "baggage" - those things make you emotionally unavailable. 

Being emotionally unavailable means that you're essentially emotionally absent from the relationship.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Joey2k said:


> I don't understand why (or believe) you can't have a "real" relationship or love someone if you are emotionally unavailable, as it's described here. You can care about each other and do things for each other and have each others' back without having to share your feelings all the time.


It's not about sharing your feelings _all _the time, but there does have to be verbal verification that both people are on the same page at some point. 

I don't get that from the man I'm involved with, so my choices are:

- accept it
- leave

I've chosen to accept it.

I don't argue with him, I don't try to persuade him or change him. But I also don't hide, and I'm not afraid of losing him. If I have something to say, I say it. I have things to do, I move forward.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> That's because that person doesn't exist. The human experience is not perfect at all.


I completely agree.


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

Rowan said:


> Being emotionally available isn't about sharing your feelings all the time. It's about being able to give of yourself emotionally to another person. If you can care about your partner, have your partner's back, love your partner, chances are you're not EU. Being emotionally available isn't about being emotionally demonstrative in the rom-com, chick-lit, sort of way. Not serenading your beloved with sonnets or quoting poetry does not mean you're emotionally unavailable. It's about being emotionally engaged and present in a relationship. It's about being able to offer love as well as receive love.
> 
> If you're still hung up on your ex, if you're in another relationship, if you're emotionally detached, if you're suffering from a personality disorder, if you're strongly self-centered, if you're just too screwed up emotionally to participate in a reciprocal relationship because of your "baggage" - those things make you emotionally unavailable.
> 
> Being emotionally unavailable means that you're essentially emotionally absent from the relationship.


I'm not sure I understand what "give of yourself emotionally" means (empathy?), but most of the rest of your post makes sense and I have no problem with it. 

But-and this is another problem I've come across when the topic is raised-everybody seems to have different definitions, and others have explained it (or signs of it) as "not allowing yourself to be vulnerable" or "being uncomfortable expressing feelings", or "not willing to discuss the status of your relationship". These are the things I either don't fully comprehend or don't want.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Joey2k said:


> I'm not sure I understand what "give of yourself emotionally" means (empathy?), but most of the rest of your post makes sense and I have no problem with it.
> 
> But-and this is another problem I've come across when the topic is raised-everybody seems to have different definitions, and others have explained it (or signs of it) as "not allowing yourself to be vulnerable" or "being uncomfortable expressing feelings", or "not willing to discuss the status of your relationship". These are the things I either don't fully comprehend or don't want.


I think it might be better understood by Rowan's last sentence in that paragraph.....being able to both OFFER love and RECEIVE love. 

I'm with someone that after nearly 40 years of life, over 13 years of marriage to me, 1.5 years of marriage to someone else, back to a relationship with me, two kids, parents, siblings, friends.....he has now come to the epiphany that he has "no idea what love feels like" and he "can't feel love"--for him or for other people (Except for the kids.) He likens himself to "Dexter," minus being a serial killer. HE is totally and completely emotionally unavailable.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

If your partner acted the same way you did, then would you know her as well to care about? The more bonded we are to someone, the more likely we can communicate, have understanding, compromise, and work together to solve issues. Bonds do fade, and less intimate couples have a more platonic relationship over time. If your partner shared as much as you did, would you know and understand her as well? Because you will have less privy to her inner thoughts, and when issues arise, she is more likely to turn to someone else that she can form a connection with.

Love is nothing more than hormones. Like a lot of things, it fades over time. Love is not an emotion as people like to believe. You do not go through withdrawal symptoms when it comes to emotions. Emotions, and love are not even located in the same area of the brain.

I think what you want is a more superficial relationship. Anything beyond that requires understanding, and that requires knowing the others thoughts, emotions, and fulfilling more of each other needs. The more needs that are met, the more fulfilling the relationship becomes. If she is only fulfilling 50 percent of your needs, and you met someone else who fulfills 70 percent, you would be happier with the 70 percent. People form attachments because of the rewarding feelings. Love, lust, attachments are so deeply connected to the reward, and addiction center of our brain. The more fulfilled we are, the more the reward center is active, giving more contentness.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

minimalME said:


> Part of me agrees with Hicks, and I often wonder if we (myself included) simply expect too much from relationships these days.


I truly believe we do.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Joey2k said:


> I'm not sure I understand what "give of yourself emotionally" means


Wife: OMG, Hon, my mom just called and said she has to have surgery.
Husband: Really? ok.
Wife: Did you hear me? She has to have surgery!
Husband: I heard you. 
Wife: !!! Are you even listening to me? My mom might die!
Husband: I heard you the first time. Calm down. Good grief. It's just surgery. Turn the tv back on.

Shall we go through the DOZEN or so ways in which that husband just showed complete unwillingness or inability to 'give of himself emotionally' to his wife?


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

turnera said:


> Wife: OMG, Hon, my mom just called and said she has to have surgery.
> Husband: Really? ok.
> Wife: Did you hear me? She has to have surgery!
> Husband: I heard you.
> ...


So what should his response have been? Mine would have gone something like:

Wife: OMG, Hon, my mom just called and said she has to have surgery.
Husband: Really? Wow, how serious is it?
Wife: Pretty serious, she might die.
Husband: I hope everything's goes all right 

_(Gives wife a comforting hug and looks at her to ascertain if more reaction is expected from me. If so...)_

Husband: Anything I can do for you?


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Joey2k said:


> So what should his response have been? Mine would have gone something like:
> 
> Wife: OMG, Hon, my mom just called and said she has to have surgery.
> Husband: Really? Wow, how serious is it?
> ...


If you do that, then you aren't being emotionally unavailable.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

turnera said:


> Wife: OMG, Hon, my mom just called and said she has to have surgery.
> Husband: Really? ok.
> Wife: Did you hear me? She has to have surgery!
> Husband: I heard you.
> ...


Right up until the last line, there was nothing wrong with this conversation. The husband isn't required to agree with his wife's assessment of imminent death due to surgery. I think, and I might be wrong, that there are women who would call his lack of even _feeling_ bad about this situation as a form of emotional unavailability. 

Were I in this situation, I'd be smart enough to understand that the correct response is "Would you like to talk about it?". But this would be because I have learned the correct pattern that my partner needs to feel supported. I will never share her angst about many, many things.

Am I "faking" emotional availability by going through the motions I know I must to be a good husband?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Joey2k said:


> So what should his response have been? Mine would have gone something like:
> 
> Wife: OMG, Hon, my mom just called and said she has to have surgery.
> Husband: Really? Wow, how serious is it?
> ...


This is a very appropriate response. Not at all emotionally unavailable.


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## imarriedyoung (Jun 11, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Right up until the last line, there was nothing wrong with this conversation. The husband isn't required to agree with his wife's assessment of imminent death due to surgery. I think, and I might be wrong, that there are women who would call his lack of even _feeling_ bad about this situation as a form of emotional unavailability.
> 
> Were I in this situation, I'd be smart enough to understand that the correct response is "Would you like to talk about it?". But this would be because I have learned the correct pattern that my partner needs to feel supported. I will never share her angst about many, many things.
> 
> Am I "faking" emotional availability by going through the motions I know I must to be a good husband?




I don't think that's faking it at all. It's easy to say that you find that to be emotionally unavailable but that doesn't mean it would be the same for everyone.

Generally guys (myself included) are much more practical and outcome focused. As such I'd try to be supportive and offer practical advice something like:

Wife: OMG, Hon, my mom just called and said she has to have surgery.
Husband: Hmm okay, is it about <related ongoing issue>?
Wife: Did you hear me? She has to have surgery!
Husband: I know but she has <good chance of survival/outcome>
Wife: !!! Are you even listening to me? My mom might die!
Husband: Unfortunately that's always a possibility with major surgery but she is a strong person who can pull through this, not to mention the wonders of modern medicine <etc etc>



Women generally need to vent and have 'listening' support a LOT more than men. And not gonna lie most of it gets filtered out because it's largely pointless to remember. Specific key details and a general gist of how they're feeling yes but other than that it'll get largely forgotten along with complaints about friends / coworkers / other females in general because there are a lot of them and the wife generally doesn't want anything other than reassurance, support, and someone who cares to listen to, as opposed to any kind of actual resolution or outcome or other physical effort on the husband's part.

That's why I think it's difficult when women expect certain... outcomes or reactions. On one hand we know you want us to mirror your reactions to a certain extent... but on the other we also know that you want reassurance that things will be okay in the end.

From there it's largely just a matter of prioritising what you *think* you should vs what's actually needed... and most importantly what's actually communicated.




On the flip side... my wife being emotionally unavailable to me means not being physically close and actually touching... that and being afraid to actually open up because of how she'll react I guess.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> Originally Posted by *Joey2k *
> So what should his response have been? Mine would have gone something like:
> 
> Wife: OMG, Hon, my mom just called and said she has to have surgery.
> ...





> *SecondTime'Round said* : *This is a very appropriate response. Not at all emotionally unavailable.*


 :iagree: when I read that, nothing about it rubbed me the wrong way at all.... all good. 

I'm going to suggest like anything else..when it comes to 2 different personalities & what makes them tick.. that this emotional available/ unavailable thing ...and it's degrees...*it's just another compatibility issue*.. if a couple doesn't care or enjoy getting deeper, being vulnerable with each other, maybe they'd work just fine.. 

I just know I wouldn't enjoy a man like that, it would seriously pi** me off... I'd grow resentful and want out of a relationship....I'd feel like too much was missing...

I've been very spoiled over the years here though...

There are other things that wouldn't bother ME that other women may NOT want.. so ya know.. every man has his pluses & minuses.. For instance...I wouldn't care if he didn't have a lot of money , he could work as a blue collar Garbage man, drive an old ratty pickup & use coupons , this wouldn't phase me at all.... but if he couldn't share deeply and felt I was asking too much of him... It'd be a


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Here's the number one thing to remember: Generally speaking, women need to TALK. Their top need is usually having a husband who will let them 'talk it out' with them and NOT offer advice on how to fix it. That's not what women look for; it doesn't make them feel heard, or wanted, or respected. They just want you to be interested in THEM enough to care that they care about whatever they're talking about.

Joey, your response was spot on. Maybe encourage her to talk it out a little more, is all.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Shoto1984 said:


> What about someone who has just been through so much hell they can only muster a certain level of affection, romance, empathy? Could that fall into EU also or does that have another name?


This was me last week. This I understand. This in not having anything available to give. That is all of this whole thread I understand.
I don't get the sixteen symptoms. I don't understand how expressing emotions in the wrong way makes one unavailable. 
It's no wonder Joey is confused.


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> This is a very appropriate response. Not at all emotionally unavailable.


Even if I don't personally have any strong feelings (distress or otherwise) on the matter myself?



turnera said:


> Joey, your response was spot on. Maybe encourage her to talk it out a little more, is all.


While I wouldn't want to discourage her from talking about it, as I know that would be perceived as insensitive, I don't think I would actually want to encourage it either. It's not a conversation I would choose to have.

Do these things make me emotionally unavailable? That I know what I'm supposed to do but I'm just going through the motions?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Mr. Nail said:


> This was me last week. This I understand. This in not having anything available to give. That is all of this whole thread I understand.
> I don't get the sixteen symptoms. I don't understand how expressing emotions in the wrong way makes one unavailable.
> It's no wonder Joey is confused.


Everyone misses it.. if you are rude and obnoxious to your spouse.. if you're emotionally unavailable.. you will feel a little bit bad about this and hopefully want to apologize for it, make up for it..smooth things out.... or at least speak to her in the moment..."I am sorry ...I am going through a rough time right now, it's not you, I want to talk to you, but I need a little time".. maybe a little cave time.. that's normal.. 

It's almost like sex.. if the wife rejects you, it sure as H*ll goes a long way when she says .."but I will connect with you in the morning.." and faithfully comes on to you.. It's the same thing.. be kind to each other.. let each other IN...*don't leave each other hanging.*..


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

turnera said:


> Here's the number one thing to remember: Generally speaking, women need to TALK. Their top need is usually having a husband who will let them 'talk it out' with them and NOT offer advice on how to fix it. That's not what women look for; it doesn't make them feel heard, or wanted, or respected. They just want you to be interested in THEM enough to care that they care about whatever they're talking about.


This is advice I see given to men frequently as well: just listen, let her vent, don't try to fix her problems. It strikes me as unfair, putting her needs first and ignoring his. You could just as easily advise women:

"Men like to fix things, it's in their nature, so don't bring up a problem if you don't want his help with it. He doesn't like to see you with problems and will attempt to offer a solution, and when you get angry at him for it, he will be frustrated and hurt, because in his mind he was trying to help you and you turned on him".


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Joey2k said:


> This is advice I see given to men frequently as well: just listen, let her vent, don't try to fix her problems. It strikes me as unfair, putting her needs first and ignoring his. You could just as easily advise women:
> 
> "Men like to fix things, it's in their nature, so don't bring up a problem if you don't want his help with it. He doesn't like to see you with problems and will attempt to offer a solution, and when you get angry at him for it,* he will be frustrated and hurt, because in his mind he was trying to help you and you turned on him*".


Joey I can't believe you dared to say that :::running away :::


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

Joey2k said:


> It strikes me as unfair, putting her needs first and ignoring his.


But that is what a relationship is all about. Sometimes you will put her needs first, and sometimes she will put your needs first.

I am a quiet introvert, and my husband loves to talk. I listen to him, even though he may give me far more detail than I can absorb. I listen because I love him, and I know that it keeps our love alive when I meet his needs. He does the same for me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> be kind to each other.. let each other IN...*don't leave each other hanging.*..


:iagree:


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

skype said:


> But that is what a relationship is all about. Sometimes you will put her needs first, and sometimes she will put your needs first.


Sure, but we men are ALWAYS advised to let her vent and not try to "fix" the problem.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Joey2k said:


> This is advice I see given to men frequently as well: just listen, let her vent, don't try to fix her problems. It strikes me as unfair, putting her needs first and ignoring his. You could just as easily advise women:
> 
> "Men like to fix things, it's in their nature, so don't bring up a problem if you don't want his help with it. He doesn't like to see you with problems and will attempt to offer a solution, and when you get angry at him for it, he will be frustrated and hurt, because in his mind he was trying to help you and you turned on him".


I AGREE WITH YOU.. as a woman I LIKE TO *FIX *TOO.. so I don't pi** whine & moan to the point he wants to run out the door plugging his ears trying to get away from me... I am generally pretty quick to bring a solution to anything I am going through, as I don't enjoy conflicts in my brain.. I need to organize & get conquering...so I have my *peace* back.. as much as I can do on MY end, that is.. 

I do have a need to bounce things off of him.. but I've never gotten upset with his added input/ advice.. NEVER .. I want it.. I ask for it -and he's helped me many times over -giving me a better perspective.. very valuable to me!


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

Joey2k said:


> Sure, but we men are ALWAYS advised to let her vent and not try to "fix" the problem.


That is what emotional intelligence is all about. Knowing when to let us vent, and when to offer solutions. Being attuned to her tone of voice. Paying attention to her concerns in the past. Knowing when to offer a strong shoulder, but no solutions to things that can't be changed.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I know a handful of women who really understand American football. To me they represent the opposite number of men who are emotionally intelligent in the way described. The rest of us either fake it or muddle through.

This has nothing to do with being unavailable (either by choice, or by exhaustion).
MN


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

skype said:


> That is what emotional intelligence is all about. Knowing when to let us vent, and when to offer solutions. Being attuned to her tone of voice. Paying attention to her concerns in the past. Knowing when to offer a strong shoulder, but no solutions to things that can't be changed.


And there you have it.

Not only do we have to recognize that she needs us in this way, we also have to be good at it.

This strikes me as a higher bar than "available". Perhaps the term "emotionally skilled" is more appropriate. So now we are getting into difficult territory where trying your best might simply not be good enough.


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

Cletus said:


> And there you have it.
> 
> Not only do we have to recognize that she needs us in this way, we also have to be good at it.
> 
> This strikes me as a higher bar than "available". Perhaps the term "emotionally skilled" is more appropriate. So now we are getting into difficult territory where trying your best might simply not be good enough.


Yes, I agree. OP should choose a woman who does not care if they are emotionally close. An independent person who values actions over talk, or at least admires him for his achievements and does not need to talk about her day with him. I do wonder, though, what sort of sex life they would have? A mechanical one, perhaps?


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## shalom_82 (Nov 23, 2014)

Joey2k, would you be offended if I shared my observations of your posts? I hope not. I think that you are a little... jaded maybe? I think that you are lumping women into categories and thinking of them as having a lot of things in common, and this is where I differ in opinion from you because I think there are way more variations in personality traits. Yes, women have a lot in common, but some of the preferences in relationships (I don't think) are not about sex or gender. 

There have been a few comments on here about compatibility that I strongly agree with. Maybe you have be put down or criticized by a few women who you just weren't compatible with? 

I'm curious now to learn more about how you arrived at wanting to discuss with women what their ideas are on emotionally unavailable men. I think if you shared a little more about your personal experiences that it would help us understand what you are hoping to learn.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Joey2k said:


> While I wouldn't want to discourage her from talking about it, as I know that would be perceived as insensitive, I don't think I would actually want to encourage it either. It's not a conversation I would choose to have.


Well, she probably wouldn't choose to talk to you about some football player's stats or his latest injury, either, but if you started talking about it, odds are that she would. 

Why? Because that's what you buy in for when you get married - being involved in each other's lives and carrying at least a modicum of interest in what interests them.

We don't marry someone just so they can meet OUR needs. We are supposed to WANT to meet THEIR needs as well.


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

shalom_82 said:


> I'm curious now to learn more about how you arrived at wanting to discuss with women what their ideas are on emotionally unavailable men. I think if you shared a little more about your personal experiences that it would help us understand what you are hoping to learn.


The question was not actually prompted by anything that has come up with my wife, my curiosity is strictly from online discussions and articles (and my resulting introspection). I had never even heard the term before I started participating in message boards discussions.



turnera said:


> Well, she probably wouldn't choose to talk to you about some football player's stats or his latest injury, either, but if you started talking about it, odds are that she would.


And there's the thing, I come at it from the other direction, I would never have that conversation with her. I would deliberately not discuss things with her (shooting and zombie movies in my case, I'm not a sports fan) that I knew she wasn't interested in talking about. It would be rude of me to do so, and I don't see how others don't consider it rude to force someone (not literally forcing, but imposing on them) to participate in a conversation on a subject they know the other doesn't have any interest in discussing.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Joey2k said:


> And there's the thing, I come at it from the other direction, I would never have that conversation with her. I would deliberately not discuss things with her (shooting and zombie movies in my case, I'm not a sports fan) that I knew she wasn't interested in talking about. It would be rude of me to do so, and I don't see how others don't consider it rude to force someone (not literally forcing, but imposing on them) to participate in a conversation on a subject they know the other doesn't have any interest in discussing.


So....because YOU have no interest in (1) hearing anything about family members when it doesn't impact you and in (2) being the shoulder your wife can cry on...you expect her to not WANT it? Or ASK for it?

Wow. No wonder you're in trouble.

Why don't you just move out and get a dog?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

turnera said:


> So....because YOU have no interest in (1) hearing anything about family members when it doesn't impact you and in (2) being the shoulder your wife can cry on...you expect her to not WANT it? Or ASK for it?
> 
> Wow. No wonder you're in trouble.
> 
> Why don't you just move out and get a dog?


I don't think the OP is saying this at all, or that he has problems in his marriage. It was just a topic he was thinking about and other people provided examples....

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think Joey is a decent guy....


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

turnera said:


> So....because YOU have no interest in (1) hearing anything about family members when it doesn't impact you and in (2) being the shoulder your wife can cry on...you expect her to not WANT it? Or ASK for it?
> 
> Wow. No wonder you're in trouble.
> 
> Why don't you just move out and get a dog?


The more serious and/or troubling the matter was to her, the more accommodating I would try to be. I was thinking of more mundane things when I replied (since you mentioned football), like work gossip or throw pillows or other such nonsense. She can come to me when something is troubling her and I'll try to respond appropriately, even if I don't necessarily feel as troubled as she does.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Joey2k said:


> T
> 
> And there's the thing, I come at it from the other direction, I would never have that conversation with her. I would deliberately not discuss things with her (shooting and zombie movies in my case, I'm not a sports fan) that I knew she wasn't interested in talking about. *It would be rude of me to do so, and I don't see how others don't consider it rude to force someone (not literally forcing, but imposing on them) to participate in a conversation on a subject they know the other doesn't have any interest in discussing.*


The way you say this comes off -like a woman can be such a BOTHER to you.. (that's just how I am reading it)... 

Not every husband is this awful disturbed , feeling FORCED...when their wives talk to them.. or find it a BURDEN like you do....Heck I hope your wife realized you were rolling your eyes at her    early on if/when she opened up a subject you'd like to  over.. 

I think as women we need to be very careful in reading our men's reactions to us.. to know when we are treading where he'd rather run from the house.. .either adjust how *boring* / *long winded* we are to him...







or assess IF he is too unemotionally available *for who we are* long haul....as this will surely come back to bite. 

Some women may not have too much of a problem with this, they just take all their woes to their Mom / sisters / friends....and talk it out.. the concern in that is *>>* she might start talking* about YOU* too.. if she is feeling disconnected, rejected, unheard.....and that can open up a whole can of worms in a marriage.... Plenty of threads here where the wife has invited everyone else into their personal life.. and it's a mess... then maybe a male co-worker, more emotionally available -he listens to her.. OH BOY! That's how the majority of EA's start !! 

Just trying to paint the reality here..

And not all men feel like you.. I am not the type of women who goes on about cooking, or how I rearranged the house, mundane things of the day.. I TRY TO KEEP IT INTERESTING..... so he will want to be engaged with me......It would be very disheartening to feel like ...."my Husband just wants to get away from me"...why would I even want to talk to him if I KNEW he felt like that....Screw that...this would cause something in me to *SHUT DOWN* in regards to him.. 

I suppose it's something we'd have to get used to- if we wanted to stay with him....like minimalME has spoken in her posts... Maybe some could handle but others probably shouldn't...and just get out... 

I think as women, we need to sort that out..*what can we live with*? .. cause if the man FEELS LIKE THIS.. that really.. we are just a motor mouth trying to irritate him...all I get out of this is .. I am a burden to my man.. that's UGLY !! 

When you meet up with someone you want to share your life with.. hopefully it's because you ENJOY each other.. something in you wants to continue learning and sharing.. being a part of each others world....

My H is into coin collecting, he likes to show me coins, tell me stories , one about this old man who hoarded all these Dollars down a coal chute.." the Redfield Hoard”...I listen.. I learn.. I go to the coin shows with him.. it's not my cup of tea, but it makes him happy...and that makes me happy...

That's what it's about...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I think as women we need to be very careful in reading our men's reactions to us.. to know when we are treading where he'd rather run from the house.. .either adjust how *boring* / *long winded* we are to him...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

What does emotionally unavailable mean ?

Umm, I don't know. I don't care. Whatever. Whatever you say it means. What was the question again ? What's for dinner anyway? Stop asking me difficult questions! I didn't do anything so stop picking on me! Did you like the remake of Battlestar Galactica ? Starbuck a girl, huh?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

When I have said those exact words it meant I was not available for any kind of realtionship or commitment at that time

When I have heard those words it meant they weren't interested in me but seemed to quickly become available for someone else.

It's a geneic term that probably means many things to different people


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Joey2k said:


> I would never have that conversation with her. I would deliberately not discuss things with her (shooting and zombie movies in my case, I'm not a sports fan) that I knew she wasn't interested in talking about. It would be rude of me to do so, and I don't see how others don't consider it rude to force someone (not literally forcing, but imposing on them) to participate in a conversation on a subject they know the other doesn't have any interest in discussing.


Isn't this called "getting to know your spouse"?


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## dtc37 (Nov 18, 2014)

Don't take this the wrong way but it's because you became predictable and boring. Do yourself a favor and don't take that ****. Don't let her emotional unavailability control your emotions it will make it 100x worse . Don't let it phase you. You're the man and you know it draw positive emotion from within. Have confidence in everything you do. And show her you can have fun without her without really showing off. Just remember that you're the **** and be awesome. And hey if she still wants to be emotionally unavailable then remind her that there are 3million more woman that will be.


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

lucy999 said:


> Isn't this called "getting to know your spouse"?


No, I call it already knowing your spouse and knowing what interests them and what doesn't, their likes and dislikes, and taking those into consideration in your interactions with them.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Joey2k said:


> No, I call it already knowing your spouse and knowing what interests them and what doesn't, their likes and dislikes, and taking those into consideration in your interactions with them.


I find your reasoning interesting.

So does this mean that the topics you and your spouse don't have in common aren't talked about? That must narrow your interactions down quite a bit.


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

lucy999 said:


> I find your reasoning interesting.
> 
> So does this mean that the topics you and your spouse don't have in common aren't talked about? That must narrow your interactions down quite a bit.


Honestly, it probably means I should have tried to find someone who shared more of the same interests, or who made more of an effort to draw out my interest, make it interesting to me, rather than just talking at me and expecting me to be interested just because she is.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

skype said:


> Yes, I agree. OP should choose a woman who does not care if they are emotionally close. An independent person who values actions over talk, or at least admires him for his achievements and does not need to talk about her day with him. I do wonder, though, what sort of sex life they would have? A mechanical one, perhaps?


LOL!!!!!! Good response!


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Joey2k said:


> Honestly, it probably means I should have tried to find someone who shared more of the same interests, or who made more of an effort to draw out my interest, make it interesting to me, rather than just talking at me and expecting me to be interested just because she is.


What would that mean to you Joey, someone to watch football games with you, someone who likes hunting and fishing. There are women like that. Draw out your interest? You think you could could be interested in shopping for shoes if your wife/girlfriend made it fun for you? Would you be able to make watching "3 Stooges" movie fun for her? Or do you need to work it both ways?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just get a dog.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

The irony of the EUM is he likely is getting very little sex. He doesn't connect emotionally, so his woman doesn't feel connected enough to want him physically. Or maybe it's the "you get me off/I get you off" kind of sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SurpriseMyself said:


> The irony of the EUM is he likely is getting very little sex. He doesn't connect emotionally, so his woman doesn't feel connected enough to want him physically. Or maybe it's the "you get me off/I get you off" kind of sex.


Amen.


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