# Outsiders advice needed



## MiMiSparkle

Im in desperate need of some advice on my relationship. 
I met my partner 4 years ago. Things were great but there was red flags along the way which i missed.. but now i see were troublesome signs.

I fell pregnant a year into our relationship and was confident he was 'the one'. During that pregnancy he started to lie about odd things, his wherabouts, his spending etc. He would lose job after job and i would have to pick up the downfall. 
His ex partner took him to court for ALOT of child support. More than he could afford. He began to miss payments and eventually stopped dealing with it. Causing him to lose his license, his bank accounts and they started to take from our family tax credits we received.

When i returned to work after maternity leave, i discovered my birth control had failed and i was pregnant again. I lost my job because of this and was left dependant on my partner. He promised he would pick up the slack and promised to support us and i went through with the pregnancy. 

He quit his job when our son was 3 months old and we were left with nothing. Debt racked up, child support payments stacking up to 10,000. 
He has odd jobs here and there, we cant afford daycare for 2 young ones for me to work so im stuck at home.
I had enough and didnt want to sign a other lease in my name for a house rental so i moved in with my parents acreage until i get back on my feet and he followed.

He now takes my car to work at something temporary, he takes my bank cards.. spends money we dont have, lies, puts all the financial strain on me and keeps me in the dark about his financial situation. He refuses to call child maintenence enforcement, he refuses and gets angry when i try to talk him about any financial situations.

Im tired, frustrated, trapped and at wits end.

When i tell him i want to go my seperate way, claim single and get on my feet with a job and go back to school, he threatens that he will takes my children away. Im terrified he will do something horrible if i leave...

Do i need to leave? I feel awful for putting him on the back burner to get me and my kids a normal life again.. i feel im supposed to support him through the hard times.. but the hard times just keep coming and im majorly depressed because of it.

Please help. Thanks in advance 

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## turnera

MiMiSparkle said:


> Do i need to leave?


No offense, but are you kidding?!

He has ruined your life. The only thing he has done worthwhile is give you wonderful children. Every other step in his life since meeting you has been DETRIMENTAL.

That's not love. That's not support. That's not even giving a flip about you.

Go to United Way (unitedway.org) and see if you can get free therapy, and start attending regularly. Use it to learn that YOU matter just as much as he does, so you can start protecting yourself AND your children from him.


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## turnera

And he can't take your children away. If you fear violence, file a police report on him.


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## becareful2

Call your bank and cancel your cards. Use only one if you can and get the one with a photo ID on the front. On the back, write "Please ask for ID." Don't give him your pin number for cash advance. Log into your online bank or credit card account and put a spending limit on it. It could be a dollar and set up text alerts whenever it's used for anything.

Oh, and, divorce him. Have your parents kick him out. He can't legally take your kids away. Divorce first, then find a job. That way you won't have to pay him alimony.

Good luck!


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## MJJEAN

MiMiSparkle said:


> When i tell him i want to go my seperate way, claim single and get on my feet with a job and go back to school, he threatens that he will takes my children away. Im terrified he will do something horrible if i leave...
> 
> Do i need to leave? I feel awful for putting him on the back burner to get me and my kids a normal life again.. i feel im supposed to support him through the hard times.. but the hard times just keep coming and im majorly depressed because of it.


First, he cannot take your children from you. Second, he is using that threat to intimidate and manipulate you.

Yes, you need to leave him.

The hard times don't just keep coming. The hard times are the direct result of choices he made and continues to make.


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## MiMiSparkle

I feel he has completely ruined my life. My anxiety is through the roof because of the financial situation and i cant do anything about it. Thinking about it makes me sick.

We were never married, engaged to be but could never afford the wedding .. of course.

I am due for therapy starting december, i ended up in the doctors office in tears because i am SO lost.
I feel he is emotionally abusive towards me, i feel i have no voice in anything and he treats me like a child yet blames me for everything.

He is on his 'best behaviour' right now because he knows im completely detached and numb from all the lies and let downs. 

How do i go about this.. i have been asking him to sit down and talk about this situation, i want to try and get him to leave as calmly as possible. Im so scared and alone 


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## Lostme

This guy already ruined you, I do not think he will get your kids especially with him not being able to provide for them.

I agree with the other poster change your cards, do not give them to him whatsoever. 

I would also have him leave, it's your parents house they should back you up on that.


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## MiMiSparkle

Lostme said:


> This guy already ruined you, I do not think he will get your kids especially with him not being able to provide for them.
> 
> I agree with the other poster change your cards, do not give them to him whatsoever.
> 
> I would also have him leave, it's your parents house they should back you up on that.


I think they will if sat down and explained the situation. He doesnt say that he will take our youngest.. he basically hasnt taken care of him since birth and he is 6 months old.. he cant handle him at all. But our 2 year old is his life. 
He said if i make him leave, he will take him with him. 

I obviously dont want to cause a scene, the thought of my children dealing with something like that breaks my heart.. but i know if i stay, hes going to drag us all down with him.

I was thinking of sitting down with him tonight and explaining how i feel and what i need to do. Tell him that if he doesnt call child maintenence in the morning, get his accounts and license figured out, that i will have to take the car and stop him using my account.. 
If he refuses like i know he will, then i will feel asking him to leave is justified and not extremely heartless and selfish .. 

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## notmyrealname4

MiMiSparkle said:


> *Do i need to leave? I feel awful for putting him on the back burner to get me and my kids a normal life again.*. i feel im supposed to support him through the hard times.. but the hard times just keep coming and im majorly depressed because of it.


 

Yes, MiMi, you need to leave . . . I mean the fact that you even have to ask that shows how trashed your self-worth is.

You feel awful for putting him on the back burner. Why? Your description of him screams, "back burner". I wouldn't have him anywhere near my kitchen, let alone the back burner.

Supporting people through hard times is referring to marriage vows and commitments. Notice, he hasn't committed to you. You owe him squat.

This type of person doesn't give a hoot about children, or want to raise them. The kids are a convenient way for him to manipulate and threaten YOU.


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## turnera

MiMiSparkle said:


> But our 2 year old is his life.
> He said if i make him leave, he will take him with him.


That's when you inform him that you have already told the police that he might do that, so they have his information and WILL look him up if your child disappears.

You can't be nice to this guy, MiMi. He's abusive. He's a louse. He's a USER. To deal with him, you have to be STRONG.


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## MiMiSparkle

I dont know why i feel so horrible about leaving. I know my self worth is absolutely trashed. Im in misery, i barely get dressed some days because i just think what is the point. 
I dont even get to leave the house most days because he has our only means of transportation and we live out in the country. 
Im at my weakest right now and he is being so nice at the moment i dont even know where to start. 

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## notmyrealname4

turnera said:


> You can't be nice to this guy, MiMi. He's abusive. He's a louse. He's a USER. To deal with him, you have to be STRONG.



Memorize this MiMi^^^, chant it to yourself like a mantra several times a day.




MiMiSparkle said:


> I had enough and didnt want to sign a other lease in my name for a house rental* so i moved in with my parents acreage until i get back on my feet and he followed.*



Sounds like your parents are helping you, right? He has to leave; since he isn't married to you, he has no right to live with your family.

Get your car away from him. Get the locks changed.

And, finally, the fact that you put up with this means that you have something wrong with your relationship "picker".

Get away from him and stay single until you can figure out why you would settle for someone like this.

For future reference, you need to find a reliable form of birth control.


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## Lostme

I wish you luck in telling him, could your mom take the kids somewhere and your dad stay at the house while you tell him?


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## uhtred

The only think I'll change about what others have said, is that he hasn't ruined your life. He has done great harm to you, but your life is not ruined - it can recover. It will take time and a huge effort, but it isn't over.


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## MiMiSparkle

notmyrealname4 said:


> Memorize this MiMi^^^, chant it to yourself like a mantra several times a day.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sounds like your parents are helping you, right?  He has to leave; since he isn't married to you, he has no right to live with your family.
> 
> Get your car away from him. Get the locks changed.
> 
> And, finally, the fact that you put up with this means that you have something wrong with your relationship "picker".
> 
> Get away from him and stay single until you can figure out why you would settle for someone like this.
> 
> For future reference, you need to find a reliable form of birth control.


Thank you for the honest advice.

I know my picker is broken and i dont wish to be in a relationship for a very long time. It didnt start like this.. but it gradually got to a point where i realized but already felt trapped. He manipulated the people around me that have told me that he is an amazing guy and i have gone along with it because it seemed easier.

I have bad luck with birth control. The first time was the iud and fell pregnant. We expected a miscarriage because of it, but the pregnancy progressed fine. Second baby i was breastfeeding and on the mini pill and found out later after falling extremely sick.
Ever since it has been condoms and abstinence so i dont have to worry..

Its so hard to come to terms with everything so suddenly. Up until this past couple months, he seemed like a good guy and now its all gone ..

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## MiMiSparkle

Lostme said:


> I wish you luck in telling him, could your mom take the kids somewhere and your dad stay at the house while you tell him?


I could ask them, i would feel safer if they were here because i know there will be trouble when i ask him to leave.. but at least he cant just take the kids. I could ask my sister also and ask my father to stay here with me in case he gets really physical. 

I dont know if my parents will be fully on board with me asking him to leave. They like him and feel bad for him when i have ever came to them for help.

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## MiMiSparkle

uhtred said:


> The only think I'll change about what others have said, is that he hasn't ruined your life. He has done great harm to you, but your life is not ruined - it can recover. It will take time and a huge effort, but it isn't over.


Thank you for this. I feel it will get better when im on my own for sure.

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## Lostme

MiMiSparkle said:


> I could ask them, i would feel safer if they were here because i know there will be trouble when i ask him to leave.. but at least he cant just take the kids. I could ask my sister also and ask my father to stay here with me in case he gets really physical.
> 
> I dont know if my parents will be fully on board with me asking him to leave. They like him and feel bad for him when i have ever came to them for help.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920W8 using Tapatalk


If you are scared he will harm you then yeah safer to have both there, sister sounds like a plan. Does she have a husband that could be there?


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## turnera

MiMiSparkle said:


> I dont know if my parents will be fully on board with me asking him to leave. They like him and feel bad for him when i have ever came to them for help.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920W8 using Tapatalk


Well, there you go. You were raised to be subservient. You may have to find some inner strength, if your parents are going to expect you to just accept whatever shyte your husband throws your way because, well, he's the man.


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## MiMiSparkle

Yes my childhood wasnt the greatest. My relationship with my parents is strained because of it and that is part of the reason im finally sick of this situation. 
For my own sanity i need to leave this house, i cant see it happening while im depending on my partner. 
He has shown over and over he cannot support us.

I know it will be hard on my own, but i know that i can at least support myself and give my children what they deserve. 

Im just so beyond nervous to take the leap. Its something i have felt for a while.. but im terrified.

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## sixty-eight

MiMiSparkle said:


> I could ask them, i would feel safer if they were here because i know there will be trouble when i ask him to leave.. but at least he cant just take the kids. I could ask my sister also and ask my father to stay here with me in case he gets really physical.
> 
> I dont know if my parents will be fully on board with me asking him to leave. They like him and feel bad for him when i have ever came to them for help.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920W8 using Tapatalk


I thought the same thing. Turns out, they hadn't liked him. But we were married and my parents were trying to support my decision. They also didn't know they whole story.

Do your parents know the whole story?


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## MiMiSparkle

sixty-eight said:


> I thought the same thing. Turns out, they hadn't liked him. But we were married and my parents were trying to support my decision. They also didn't know they whole story.
> 
> Do your parents know the whole story?


Not everything.. but most of it.
I think they would support me no matter what though. I just know they will look down on me for not having my sh*t together and starting fresh at my age. 
They generally see me as the disapointment child. 
Which at this point, my misery overrides any fear of their continuous judgement..

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## turnera

MiMiSparkle said:


> I know it will be hard on my own, but i know that i can at least support myself and give my children what they deserve.
> 
> Im just so beyond nervous to take the leap. Its something i have felt for a while.. but im terrified.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920W8 using Tapatalk


Personally, I'd look at it as shedding the dead wood, no offense. If you had only you and your kids to take care of, I have no doubt your life will be SO much easier. You'll be surprised, once you're free of this freeloader, how little you have to do to stay afloat.

And please, go visit your county, city, state, and federal agencies to see what they have and can give you to get you started. You are what those agencies were created for. To give a young struggling family a lift out of poverty and stress and fear.

Also go to United Way Worldwide. And Good Will. And a local church. This is the greatest country in the world, and help is out there - but you have to do the legwork to get it.

There was a lady on another forum whose husband cheated. At first, we thought he was just a part-time cheater, not much of a threat. But the more the wife spoke out, expected decency, asked for respect, THE MEANER HE GOT. This man kicked his wife out AND all his kids - she had to go to a women's shelter. But that women's shelter paid for her lawyer, gave her money for a down payment on an apartment and also paid for her to go to vocational training so this full-time housewife could earn a living. 

You can do this.


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## sixty-eight

MiMiSparkle said:


> Not everything.. but most of it.
> I think they would support me no matter what though. I just know they will look down on me for not having my sh*t together and starting fresh at my age.
> They generally see me as the disapointment child.
> Which at this point, my misery overrides any fear of their continuous judgement..
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920W8 using Tapatalk


You don't have to live up to that expectation. You can choose something different and better for yourself. Let other people think whatever they want.

You are not in a healthy relationship, and you have every right to choose to end it if that's what you want.

Explain things to your family, and ask them for emotional support. You will very likely need the strength of others for a confrontation, and it's good to have some backup.


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## turnera

Something about parents and their expectations of us...As YOU get older and older, and start to feel more like an adult instead of their kid, and you start to see they're just people, not Gods, and are probably more screwed up than you are, you'll start to realize their 'opinion' and 'judgment' of you matters less and less.


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## becareful2

You made a lot of major mistakes in being with this guy, but you now have an opportunity to remedy those mistakes. You were looking for love, he was looking to take advantage of you. He's a cancer, so don't feel bad about removing this cancer from your life. Either you give yourself and your babies a chance at a normal life, or you subject them to the hell that he's brought upon you.


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## MiMiSparkle

Honestly i know that when i leave my life will become a lot simpler. I will have a lot of debt to pay off. All in my name of course.
Mentally i can continue my life. I have spent the last 3 years becoming a nobody. I slowly lost all my friends. I lost my job. 
Im back living with my parents 10 years after leaving home and they treat me like crap equally.
They gave me a place to stay so their grandchildren arent homeless but im basically the maid and cook for the other 7 people who live here.

This isnt the life i wanted to live and i have lost my voice in fear.

I looked up today that if i claim single from the moment i left my family home i would receive back pay for what has gone towards his child support which would get me on my feet. 
There is also assistance for women leaving abusive relationships to set up a new home which is something i could look into.

He is emotionally abusive all the time and the only times i have stood up to him, it has become physical. He has slapped me when i got angry at him for lying, he kicked me up my backside and caused major issues with my tailbone during my last pregnancy.
I was always too scared to leave because of contracts and pregnancy etc. I feel like now is my time to leave.


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## aine

MiMiSparkle said:


> I think they will if sat down and explained the situation. He doesnt say that he will take our youngest.. he basically hasnt taken care of him since birth and he is 6 months old.. he cant handle him at all. But our 2 year old is his life.
> He said if i make him leave, he will take him with him.
> 
> I obviously dont want to cause a scene, the thought of my children dealing with something like that breaks my heart.. but i know if i stay, hes going to drag us all down with him.
> 
> I was thinking of sitting down with him tonight and explaining how i feel and what i need to do. Tell him that if he doesnt call child maintenence in the morning, get his accounts and license figured out, that i will have to take the car and stop him using my account..
> If he refuses like i know he will, then i will feel asking him to leave is justified and not extremely heartless and selfish ..
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920W8 using Tapatalk


You are not married, he cannot take the kids, he may have visitation. Remove the kids to a relative for a few days, get your parents to kick him out, use a restraining order if he doesn't go quietly.


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## turnera

Have you looked up United Way yet today?


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## MiMiSparkle

turnera said:


> Have you looked up United Way yet today?


Yes i had a look this morning when i had a spare 10 minutes. Would i just call their closest location from me and talk to someone? I think they could really help get on track with an education..

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## notmyrealname4

@MiMiSparkle


I want to establish a fact here: you are *not* married to this man, correct?

It makes a big difference.

If you are married; he will have rights to the kids, to your car, even to your parents home (perhaps???) if that is your current legal residence. He would also be responsible for child support payments in the event of a divorce.

If you are NOT married he has no legal rights to anything as far as I know. But he also doesn't have any obligations.

These types of laws and statutes change by each U.S. state sometimes; and if you are in another country, they will be even more different. Don't go by what I, or anyone else here says, 'cause we don't know where you are.

This is where the folks at your local Women's shelter can help you.


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## MiMiSparkle

notmyrealname4 said:


> @MiMiSparkle
> 
> 
> I want to establish a fact here: you are *not* married to this man, correct?
> 
> It makes a big difference.
> 
> If you are married; he will have rights to the kids, to your car, even to your parents home (perhaps???) if that is your current legal residence. He would also be responsible for child support payments in the event of a divorce.
> 
> If you are NOT married he has no legal rights to anything as far as I know. But he also doesn't have any obligations.
> 
> These types of laws and statutes change by each U.S. state sometimes; and if you are in another country, they will be even more different. Don't go by what I, or anyone else here says, 'cause we don't know where you are.
> 
> This is where the folks at your local Women's shelter can help you.


We are not married. Our current status is common law. He doesnt even have any address here tied to anything. All of his major address usage is still at his mothers house, hours away from here. His job is paid under the table from what i understand.. so nothing at all keeping him here. 
In my province, common law relationships do not have the same rights as married couples. I dont know about children though.. i thought that both of us had the same right to the children, so if he were to take my son, It wouldnt be illegal unless we went to court for custody etc. 

Im going to tell him tonight and im so worried about this. He is just not going to accept it. 
He thinks the reason why i have been wanting to leave is to sleep with other men... and that im tearing our family apart. The guilt just hurts...

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## notmyrealname4

MiMiSparkle said:


> In my province, common law relationships do not have the same rights as married couples. I dont know about children though.. i thought that both of us had the same right to the children, so if he were to take my son, It wouldnt be illegal unless we went to court for custody etc.
> 
> 
> He thinks the reason why i have been wanting to leave is to sleep with other men... and that im tearing our family apart. The guilt just hurts...



Sounds like you are Canadian? [Don't reveal any more info. than you are comfortable with]

You need to know *exactly* what his rights are with regards to the kids. Can you tell him to take a hike; or does he have a legal claim.

Family Law ? Marriage and common-law relationships | Your Legal Rights - Information for People in Ontario


^^^This is for Ontario; I got it by typing *legal rights fatherhood commonlaw marriages canada* into my search field.

So, do the same for your province.

But better yet, contact your local domestic violence shelter, or women's shelter. I'd bet they are conversant with the local laws.

Yeah, it doesn't surprise me that his main concern is whether or not you are having sex with other men 

You don't really have a "family" to tear apart. There is you; and the children of your body, and a sperm donor who is a physically abusive slack-off. Don't be guilted into thinking that you are breaking up a "family". "Family" means love and commitment and responsibility; not kicking your partner in the tailbone while she is pregnant.

There is nothing to feel guilty about. Excuse me for saying it; but I'd consider you guilty if you stay with this guy and bring a lifetime of misery on your kids and yourself.


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## Mr.Fisty

MiMiSparkle said:


> We are not married. Our current status is common law. He doesnt even have any address here tied to anything. All of his major address usage is still at his mothers house, hours away from here. His job is paid under the table from what i understand.. so nothing at all keeping him here.
> In my province, common law relationships do not have the same rights as married couples. I dont know about children though.. i thought that both of us had the same right to the children, so if he were to take my son, It wouldnt be illegal unless we went to court for custody etc.
> 
> Im going to tell him tonight and im so worried about this. He is just not going to accept it.
> He thinks the reason why i have been wanting to leave is to sleep with other men... and that im tearing our family apart. The guilt just hurts...
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920W8 using Tapatalk



You have to stop being responsible for him. With him, you cannot look after yourself because his actions stop that from occurring. He places you in debt, he is abusive, irresponsible. He drags you down with him. If he blames you, he will likely go through life blaming everyone and everything around him for his choices in life. You want to be happy and free from drama, well with him, he places you in uncomfortable situations.

As for your parents, sorry. They should have your back but I suggest you contact shelters and organizations that would provide more support. Find new friends and surround yourself with nurturing people that want you to grow. 

If he starts blaming or yelling at you, simply walk away. Just have people close by in another room where they can hear.

You are not responsible for his irresponsible behavior with money, he was abusive before he met you, he had issues prior to you. You are free to leave any relationship you want...... Your priority is yourself over him. Your safety comes first. To be an effective parent, you need to be healthy physically and mentally. You are choosing the well-being of your children, yourself, over a miserable life with him. Your life is chaotic, you need stability and a sense of security which he does not add but rather detracts from that goal.

Gather evidence of his abuse, keep records such as texts and voice mail.


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## MiMiSparkle

notmyrealname4 said:


> Sounds like you are Canadian? [Don't reveal any more info. than you are comfortable with]
> 
> You need to know *exactly* what his rights are with regards to the kids. Can you tell him to take a hike; or does he have a legal claim.
> 
> Family Law ? Marriage and common-law relationships | Your Legal Rights - Information for People in Ontario
> 
> 
> ^^^This is for Ontario; I got it by typing *legal rights fatherhood commonlaw marriages canada* into my search field.
> 
> So, do the same for your province.
> 
> But better yet, contact your local domestic violence shelter, or women's shelter. I'd bet they are conversant with the local laws.
> 
> Yeah, it doesn't surprise me that his main concern is whether or not you are having sex with other men
> 
> You don't really have a "family" to tear apart. There is you; and the children of your body, and a sperm donor who is a physically abusive slack-off. Don't be guilted into thinking that you are breaking up a "family". "Family" means love and commitment and responsibility; not kicking your partner in the tailbone while she is pregnant.
> 
> There is nothing to feel guilty about. Excuse me for saying it; but I'd consider you guilty if you stay with this guy and bring a lifetime of misery on your kids and yourself.


A quick search for the laws in my province show that we have the same rights as a marriage regarding the children. But it also states that one parent cannot remove a child from their home without the others permission. If they do so they can be charged with abduction and up to 10 years imprisonment. 
I will call the womens shelter today for further information.

I agree that i cannot stay, that this is my responsibility as a mother. I just cant help the feelings that come with it.

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## MiMiSparkle

Mr.Fisty said:


> You have to stop being responsible for him. With him, you cannot look after yourself because his actions stop that from occurring. He places you in debt, he is abusive, irresponsible. He drags you down with him. If he blames you, he will likely go through life blaming everyone and everything around him for his choices in life. You want to be happy and free from drama, well with him, he places you in uncomfortable situations.
> 
> As for your parents, sorry. They should have your back but I suggest you contact shelters and organizations that would provide more support. Find new friends and surround yourself with nurturing people that want you to grow.
> 
> If he starts blaming or yelling at you, simply walk away. Just have people close by in another room where they can hear.
> 
> You are not responsible for his irresponsible behavior with money, he was abusive before he met you, he had issues prior to you. You are free to leave any relationship you want...... Your priority is yourself over him. Your safety comes first. To be an effective parent, you need to be healthy physically and mentally. You are choosing the well-being of your children, yourself, over a miserable life with him. Your life is chaotic, you need stability and a sense of security which he does not add but rather detracts from that goal.
> 
> Gather evidence of his abuse, keep records such as texts and voice mail.


Thank you for the reply. I will keep evidence. I have a lot of messages from him that show exactly the controlling situation we are in. It certainly doesnt help him that the police were called on him a while ago because he threatened his ex over texts because the child support angency were taking money from my income..
I need stability, he neglects our simple needs. My children and i need clothing, my shoes soles are hanging off for heavens sake and i dont even dare buy new ones.. yet he buys new boots, new clothes and on top of that withdraws cash from ATMs to pay for marijuana im guessing. 
It just all has to stop. I cant do this to my children any longer.

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## Mr.Fisty

MiMiSparkle said:


> Thank you for the reply. I will keep evidence. I have a lot of messages from him that show exactly the controlling situation we are in. It certainly doesnt help him that the police were called on him a while ago because he threatened his ex over texts because the child support angency were taking money from my income..
> I need stability, he neglects our simple needs. My children and i need clothing, my shoes soles are hanging off for heavens sake and i dont even dare buy new ones.. yet he buys new boots, new clothes and on top of that withdraws cash from ATMs to pay for marijuana im guessing.
> It just all has to stop. I cant do this to my children any longer.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920W8 using Tapatalk



Cancel all credit cards, cut him off. Close accounts and open new ones in your name only. If your parents like him so much, let them give him money instead or let him go back home where someone else will play mommy and daddy.

If you have evidence of him using your money to pay child support, I am sure the courts maybe be able to help. The more documents you have, the better.

If you cannot cancel your accounts, call the police as he has no right to those cards and your cash flow. You should have called them already as it is your property which he has no rights to.


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## turnera

Today you should be changing all your bank accounts. Nothing else. Just that. Report your cards stolen; they will immediately cut off access from your existing ones and mail you new ones; that way he can't take money with a card.


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## MiMiSparkle

I cancelled my cards this morning. What do i do about our vehicle? Basically on bank statements its ours. But because he lost his license, it is only registered in my name and insured under mine too.
If i ask him to leave, hes going to want to take the car. Its a 2 hour drive to any friends or family... 
I will be equally screwed without a vehicle out in the country. 

Today he is an angry man. He called me a c*nt because i couldnt park close enough to the bar when it came time to pick him up when he finished work..... me asking him to leave is going to infuriate him.
The last time i asked him to leave though he just ignored me .. didnt answer. Didnt move from the couch. My parents will have my back if he flies into a rage, but they would never come down and force him out of the door.

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## notmyrealname4

MiMiSparkle said:


> I cancelled my cards this morning. What do i do about our vehicle? Basically on bank statements its ours. But because he lost his license, it is only registered in my name and insured under mine too.
> If i ask him to leave, hes going to want to take the car. Its a 2 hour drive to any friends or family...
> I will be equally screwed without a vehicle out in the country.
> 
> Today he is an angry man. He called me a c*nt because i couldnt park close enough to the bar when it came time to pick him up when he finished work..... me asking him to leave is going to infuriate him.
> The last time i asked him to leave though he just ignored me .. didnt answer. Didnt move from the couch. My parents will have my back if he flies into a rage, but they would never come down and force him out of the door.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920W8 using Tapatalk



Can you park the car in a garage, so he can't get at it? It's not his. God, the nerve. It's YOUR car.

Does he work at a bar? Or do you mean the painted line on the road or curb? Either way, that isn't how you respond to a less than perfect park job.

Your parents are scared of him.

Have your phone ready to call the police. Take any lock screen off your phone; and have the number to the police or 911 in your contacts on your home screen. Call the police if he won't leave.


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## Mr.Fisty

Is both names on the title? If worse comes to worse, sell the car with help from a lawyer which a shelter should help with as there are lawyers that do charity with shelters.

Do your parents know or even care about the abuse, him using your money to pay for child support, or is he always charming around them? I am at a lost why they like him so much. If abuse is normal to them, they probably do not see a problem as it is their normal.

Call the police and have them near by when you kick him out. If there is a record, it should help and remind them when you call. If you have any statements about him using your money to pay off his child support, that should be another avenue for you to seek a lwayer's help with. Fight smart like using the police to make sure he gets off the property. You can also file a protection order with the evidence you have on texts and messages. If they are around, and his rage shows, they will document that into their report which should help you out.


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## MiMiSparkle

We financed the car together before he lost his license. I just had to register it in my name since last year because of him losing my license. Legally its in both our names, but it only gets paid through my personal bank account since we bought it.

My parents dont know about all of the abuse, if we have ever argued in the past, usually after he has done something terrible and i have lost all patience and tried to leave, he calls my mother every single time crying and tells her im losing my temper and trying to leave.
She always has sided with him and thinks im overreacting most of the time.. and tells me to stop losing my temper. When i try to stand up for myself and explain the lies and the money etc.. she tells me leaving isnt the answer and to stop getting so upset.

I was the result of a teen pregnancy with a man she hated. I live with my mother, step father and siblings. I have always been treated accordingly, the odd one out. She used to hurt me as a kid when she went through depression and throughout my teen years i rebelled. My childhood is partly what we are going to work on in therapy.
Needless to say, my parents still treat me that way. Which is all the more reason i need out of this house.

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## MiMiSparkle

I think this is mainly the reason i worry, if i tell him to leave, will my parents even back me up? Or tell me to relax and stop overreacting? I just dont know.

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## turnera

Have you visited a women's shelter yet? I would do that before I 'kick him out.' Let them help set you up with resources first.


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## becareful2

How long does it take for the police to show up at your place? Go online and map it out to their local pd station. Talk to somebody there and ask if any of their officers would be kind enough to help you out by being nearby at a certain time to intervene should the need arise. When seconds count, the police are only minutes away.


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## notmyrealname4

MiMiSparkle said:


> We financed the car together before he lost his license. I just had to register it in my name since last year because of him losing my license. Legally its in both our names, but it only gets paid through my personal bank account since we bought it.
> 
> My parents dont know about all of the abuse, if we have ever argued in the past, usually after he has done something terrible and i have lost all patience and tried to leave, he calls my mother every single time crying and tells her im losing my temper and trying to leave.
> She always has sided with him and thinks im overreacting most of the time.. and tells me to stop losing my temper. When i try to stand up for myself and explain the lies and the money etc.. she tells me leaving isnt the answer and to stop getting so upset.
> 
> I was the result of a teen pregnancy with a man she hated. I live with my mother, step father and siblings. I have always been treated accordingly, the odd one out. She used to hurt me as a kid when she went through depression and throughout my teen years i rebelled. My childhood is partly what we are going to work on in therapy.
> Needless to say, my parents still treat me that way. Which is all the more reason i need out of this house.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920W8 using Tapatalk






Wow, the worst of both worlds: you alone are responsible for paying for the car; but he gets access to it whenever he wants *Can you put it in a garage and padlock the door?* Get the locks changed on the car doors. Money well spent; if you have it.




If leaving isn't the answer; what is your mother's alternative suggestion? TELL your parents about all the abuse. Don't protect or defend this guy.






I am the result of a my mother's teenage marriage to a man she ended up despising!! Your role in the family was the "scapegoat". That is why you accept such sh.tty treatment from your partner. It's what you think you are worth.



You do need to get out of your parent's house. But first, you need somewhere else to go. Like turnera said, you should contact local women's shelters to find out what is available to you.

I know this is harsh; but could you put your kids in foster care until you can get away, gain employment and start getting on your feet financially? If you leave your kids with your parents, I'm afraid your partner will have full access to them; and who knows what will happen.

That seems like a dreadful suggestion. Hopefully you don't have to do anything that drastic. But you might have to prepare mentally. I think you'll have to move away from your current geographical location. Bums like your "partner" aren't gonna give up on the free ride without a fight.

He has NO respect for you. You represent access to sex, money, a place to crash, free transportation, and as the dumping ground for his terrible moods,[being called a c.nt for parking the car too far from the curb].

You can do it. It isn't easy. I'm sorry you have to do this. It's awful.

Just in case; you are NOT having sex with him, right?


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## sixty-eight

If he doesn't have a license, and she calls the cops....how would he be able to take the car with the cops there? I'm not sure what would happen in that scenario. Anyone?

Surely the cops wouldn't let him drive away in her car on a suspended license?


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## notmyrealname4

sixty-eight said:


> If he doesn't have a license, and she calls the cops....how would he be able to take the car with the cops there? I'm not sure what would happen in that scenario. Anyone?
> 
> Surely the cops wouldn't let him drive away in her car on a suspended license?




@MiMiSparkle


Has he ever driven the car without a license?


He won't do it with the police standing right there.

But he would do it on the sly just for the satisfaction of getting your car away from you.


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## browser

MiMiSparkle said:


> When i returned to work after maternity leave, i discovered my birth control had failed and i was pregnant again.


How did your birth control fail?


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## MiMiSparkle

notmyrealname4 said:


> Wow, the worst of both worlds: you alone are responsible for paying for the car; but he gets access to it whenever he wants *Can you put it in a garage and padlock the door?* Get the locks changed on the car doors. Money well spent; if you have it.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> If leaving isn't the answer; what is your mother's alternative suggestion? TELL your parents about all the abuse. Don't protect or defend this guy.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I am the result of a my mother's teenage marriage to a man she ended up despising!! Your role in the family was the "scapegoat". That is why you accept such sh.tty treatment from your partner. It's what you think you are worth.
> 
> 
> 
> You do need to get out of your parent's house. But first, you need somewhere else to go. Like turnera said, you should contact local women's shelters to find out what is available to you.
> 
> I know this is harsh; but could you put your kids in foster care until you can get away, gain employment and start getting on your feet financially? If you leave your kids with your parents, I'm afraid your partner will have full access to them; and who knows what will happen.
> 
> That seems like a dreadful suggestion. Hopefully you don't have to do anything that drastic. But you might have to prepare mentally. I think you'll have to move away from your current geographical location. Bums like your "partner" aren't gonna give up on the free ride without a fight.
> 
> He has NO respect for you. You represent access to sex, money, a place to crash, free transportation, and as the dumping ground for his terrible moods,[being called a c.nt for parking the car too far from the curb].
> 
> You can do it. It isn't easy. I'm sorry you have to do this. It's awful.
> 
> Just in case; you are NOT having sex with him, right?


I wouldnt put my kids into care. I couldnt and will find any way before i have to do that.

To be honest i cant see this going that far anyway.

Going to gather some support this week and plan a night to ask him to leave and prepare for it. 

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## MiMiSparkle

notmyrealname4 said:


> @MiMiSparkle
> 
> 
> Has he ever driven the car without a license?
> 
> 
> He won't do it with the police standing right there.
> 
> But he would do it on the sly just for the satisfaction of getting your car away from you.


He drives without a license everyday. At first i fought it, then i grew tired of fighting about it and turn a blind eye now as i havent had the guts to call the police.

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## MiMiSparkle

browser said:


> How did your birth control fail?


The mirena iud was inserted, we had sex. After painful spotting i had an ultrasound and discovered my lining was thick and in early pregnancy.
We took the mirena out and expected a miscarriage. The pregnancy progressed.

Exlusively breastfeeding 2nd time so option was mini pill. I was diagnosed with PPA and experienced a massive drop in supply. 6 weeks later while still taking mini pill i fell extremely sick and hospitalized with hypermesis. 
Doctor said drop in supply could have caused mini pill to lessen in effectiveness.

Any more judgemental off topic qs? 

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## MiMiSparkle

Thanks for all the helpful replies. Hoping to sort this out asap and find a stable home to raise my children in. 
I really am a little broken up about my situation and dont feel i can handle judgemental comments at the moment.

Thanks again all. 

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## browser

MiMiSparkle said:


> Any more judgemental off topic qs?


I'm good, thanks.


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## notmyrealname4

MiMiSparkle said:


> He drives without a license everyday. At first i fought it, then i grew tired of fighting about it and turn a blind eye now as i havent had the guts to call the police.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920W8 using Tapatalk




Phone in an anonymous tip to the police. 

If they get in touch with you, tell them he takes the car without your permission.

Hopefully, he could get thrown in jail if he does this enough.

Do your parents know he repeatedly breaks the law this way? How can they think he is such a great guy if they know he does this?

Him breaking the law and having a criminal record should prove that he is an unfit parent; so he wouldn't have access to the kids.

Write all these things down so you can share them with people at women's shelters, or social workers, or a lawyer---whatever the case may be.


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## sixty-eight

MiMiSparkle said:


> The mirena iud was inserted, we had sex. After painful spotting i had an ultrasound and discovered my lining was thick and in early pregnancy.
> We took the mirena out and expected a miscarriage. The pregnancy progressed.
> 
> Exlusively breastfeeding 2nd time so option was mini pill. I was diagnosed with PPA and experienced a massive drop in supply. 6 weeks later while still taking mini pill i fell extremely sick and hospitalized with hypermesis.
> Doctor said drop in supply could have caused mini pill to lessen in effectiveness.
> 
> Any more judgemental off topic qs?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920W8 using Tapatalk


i can't know if browser meant the question judgmentally, but unfortunately it's not off topic.

There are also people who say BC failure, and what they really mean is that they failed to use any, unfortunately.
and

There are partners who will sabotage birth control. Poke holes in condoms, mess with your pills, whatever. Reproductive coercion.

It's a common abuser tactic, to sneakily get you pregnant against your wishes, strengthen the bond between you, and try to make you feel dependent on him.

It's indicative of what kind of lengths he is willing to go to.


This doesn't sound like what happened to you , just wanted to give you a heads up that you might experience more seemingly weird questions while we look for red flags.


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## sixty-eight

notmyrealname4 said:


> Phone in an anonymous tip to the police.
> 
> If they get in touch with you, tell them he takes the car without your permission.
> 
> Hopefully, he could get thrown in jail if he does this enough.
> 
> Do your parents know he repeatedly breaks the law this way? How can they think he is such a great guy if they know he does this?
> 
> Him breaking the law and having a criminal record should prove that he is an unfit parent; so he wouldn't have access to the kids.
> 
> Write all these things down so you can share them with people at women's shelters, or social workers, or a lawyer---whatever the case may be.


This is what i was thinking. 

if she phones in the tip, will her car be impounded? Or will the police return it to her if she says that he took it against her wishes?

She should at least be able to count on him not being allowed to drive off in the car if she has the police there when she confronts him and kicks him out.


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## MiMiSparkle

notmyrealname4 said:


> Phone in an anonymous tip to the police.
> 
> If they get in touch with you, tell them he takes the car without your permission.
> 
> Hopefully, he could get thrown in jail if he does this enough.
> 
> Do your parents know he repeatedly breaks the law this way? How can they think he is such a great guy if they know he does this?
> 
> Him breaking the law and having a criminal record should prove that he is an unfit parent; so he wouldn't have access to the kids.
> 
> Write all these things down so you can share them with people at women's shelters, or social workers, or a lawyer---whatever the case may be.


Okay thank you. I did tell him last night he was no longer allowed to use the car or bank account. He didnt say much, just went to bed early, didnt want to discuss anything as usual.
I can feel the tension between us today majorly, probably because i been more assertive and less emotional. 
He has been angry all day, he seems unusually stressed and keeps stating that he doesnt know what we are going to do regarding money etc. 

Im wondering if i sit him down and explain that if he left, i could support myself for a while, he could go away to work and take a break on supporting us or something along those lines. Maybe try get him out of the house and away without a major commotion and scene. 
Worth a try i guess.. 



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## MiMiSparkle

sixty-eight said:


> i can't know if browser meant the question judgmentally, but unfortunately it's not off topic.
> 
> There are also people who say BC failure, and what they really mean is that they failed to use any, unfortunately.
> 
> and
> 
> There are partners who will sabotage birth control. Poke holes in condoms, mess with your pills, whatever.
> 
> It's a common abuser tactic, to sneakily get you pregnant against your wishes, strengthen the bond between you, and try to make you feel dependent on him.
> 
> It's indicative of what kind of lengths he is willing to go to.
> 
> 
> This doesn't sound like what happened to you , just wanted to give you a heads up that you might experience more seemingly weird questions while we look for red flags.


Okay that makes sense.

I apologize if i seemed rude. It wasnt my intention, i just felt it was a judgemental question, indicating that i got pregnant on purpose or something alike.. which isnt true. It was a tough decision to go through with my last pregnancy, i was extremely sad about it. Although my son is a blessing and im glad i did.

He definitely enjoyed me being pregnant. When i have told him that i would like to go out for drinks with friends or family when im done breastfeeding, he has joked that he should 'knock me up again' to make sure i behave. 
I could see that he would be the type to do something like that, but with our current financial situation, i dont think so.






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## notmyrealname4

MiMiSparkle said:


> Okay thank you. I did tell him last night he was no longer allowed to use the car or bank account. He didnt say much, just went to bed early, didnt want to discuss anything as usual.
> I can feel the tension between us today majorly, probably because i been more assertive and less emotional.
> He has been angry all day, he seems unusually stressed and keeps stating that he doesnt know what we are going to do regarding money etc.
> 
> Im wondering if i sit him down and explain that if he left, i could support myself for a while, he could go away to work and take a break on supporting us or something along those lines. Maybe try get him out of the house and away without a major commotion and scene.
> Worth a try i guess..
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920W8 using Tapatalk



Well, from everything you have said here, he doesn't strike me as the reasonable type.

It seems like he would listen to what you say, feel very angry and resentful that you would dare to speak to him that way, and tomorrow or next week have a major explosion.

He also gets to act compliant, while plotting ways to get around you or punish you.

I would hold my cards close to my chest if I were you.

Wow, he joked that he would "knock you up" to make sure that you "behave". That's right down there with kicking you in the tailbone when you were pregnant.

Don't let your guard down and trust him.


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## sixty-eight

notmyrealname4 said:


> Well, from everything you have said here, he doesn't strike me as the reasonable type.
> 
> It seems like he would listen to what you say, feel very angry and resentful that you would dare to speak to him that way, and tomorrow or next week have a major explosion.
> 
> He also gets to act compliant, while plotting ways to get around you or punish you.
> 
> I would hold my cards close to my chest if I were you.
> 
> Wow, he joked that he would "knock you up" to make sure that you "behave". That's right down there with kicking you in the tailbone when you were pregnant.
> 
> Don't let your guard down and trust him.


^ yes.

I am also enclosing a domestic violence risk assessment. If you take it and the score is very low, then you are probably (physically) safe to stay until you can make plans.
If your score is high, then I would advocate not waiting and getting out as soon as you can.
https://www.marincourt.org/PDF/LethalityRisk.pdf

Please be very aware during this time where he can see you growing stronger and putting boundaries in place, and understand that you are challenging his control over you. Keep a phone near you if you can, and program numbers you may need in it.

There are helpful safety suggestions on the page after the assesment.


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## Loveontherocks

@MiMiSparkle it sounds like you've so much on your plate right now and cutting him loose may be the best option for you, that way you can claim benefits and so on until you get back on your feet again.

You say you're with your parents right now, can you confide in them about all this? Just to get some emotional support.

Like others have said get all your cards off him, and if you need to close your account and reopen another then do it. You shouldn't have to pay money from your tax credits towards the upkeep of his other child/children, if you part from him for good you won't have to. If he's not in full time employment you will be entitled to benefits, talk to citizens advice about what you can do and what you may be entitled to.

Good luck.


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## MiMiSparkle

The tension is so high right now. Hes so worked up about every little thing and just got really angry at our oldest child and my sister for supposedly overriding his decision about something. Neither my sister or daughter knew what he was talking about.
Everything he says these days i honestly dont if its a lie, truth or fabrication. It makes me feel like im losing my mind.

I quickly read the assessment, i scored quite high. I feel scared that any of that is even a possibility. Is it normal that i dont believe he would seriously hurt me in that way? 
Im so confused..

I plan on calling every where i need to in the morning while hes at work and i have some privacy.

I spoke to my sister today too and she encouraged me to leave and said she will also have a word with my parents with me for some support.
My father physically will not let my partner take my kids, take my car or any of the sort. I know my father would do anything for us.. he leaves for work in a couple of days so i need to get the ball rolling and do it asap.

I feel just on edge, i feel like im living with an absolute stranger. How have i not seen this for 4 years? I feel like i might have lost my mind and making this up in my head. 
Its a horrible feeling 

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## turnera

Please go to your police station tomorrow and ask whether you're allowed to file some sort of report; the more things you have on record with the police, the faster they can respond and the more they will be able to DO something.

Please remember the number of men who face being kicked out or divorced who get their hands on a gun and either kill their wive and themselves or even kill the children and then themselves. Just two days ago a man killed his kids and them himself.

PLEASE do not believe he will just walk away.


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## sixty-eight

MiMiSparkle said:


> The tension is so high right now. Hes so worked up about every little thing and just got really angry at our oldest child and my sister for supposedly overriding his decision about something. Neither my sister or daughter knew what he was talking about.
> Everything he says these days i honestly dont if its a lie, truth or fabrication. It makes me feel like im losing my mind.
> 
> I quickly read the assessment, i scored quite high. I feel scared that any of that is even a possibility. Is it normal that i dont believe he would seriously hurt me in that way?
> Im so confused..
> 
> I plan on calling every where i need to in the morning while hes at work and i have some privacy.
> 
> I spoke to my sister today too and she encouraged me to leave and said she will also have a word with my parents with me for some support.
> My father physically will not let my partner take my kids, take my car or any of the sort. I know my father would do anything for us.. he leaves for work in a couple of days so i need to get the ball rolling and do it asap.
> 
> I feel just on edge, i feel like im living with an absolute stranger. How have i not seen this for 4 years? I feel like i might have lost my mind and making this up in my head.
> Its a horrible feeling
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920W8 using Tapatalk


What you are feeling is very very normal. It sounds like cognitive dissonance (Cognitive Dissonance) You have had to ignore all of the bad stuff in order to be with him.
Just like when you have a baby and you don't really remember any of that pain. Just the joy. It's your brain protecting itself. Forgetting the bad, remembering the good. It will pass. It's a natural part of coming to terms with the reality of your situation.

You are doing just fine, you have a plan in place for calling around tomorrow and you have support from your sister and your parents. Try to keep other people around as much as possible.

When you are in a safe place, there are lots of books and articles you can read to understand what you are feeling. For now, your focus needs to be safety, for yourself and your children.

Phone with you at all times. Act small. You are not trying to get noticed tonight. Try and channel into your formal self, and act how you normally would, just for tonight. Keep other people around you if at all possible. If he's telling you that you are acting strange, just tell him you are not feeling well.

If he shows _any_ sign of physical escalation, you call the cops, call your parents, run out of the house, whatever you have to do to stay safe.


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## MiMiSparkle

Thanks so much to everyone again. 
Im really glad i came here and asked for advice. I had previously discussed this in another forum, and had off the bat mentioned the mental abuse and they jumped on that i needed to leave. I wanted to come on here and maybe discuss it from a different point of view, the financial issues and i obviously have gotten the same advice.

I know now that im not crazy, these things have really happened and are very wrong. I know that i havent been plagued with bad luck, just a bad man.

Im a good person, i have never given him reason to mistreat me, i have been a strong hardworking, devoted mother and sacrificed everything to keep my family upright.
My children are my life, my only regret is that i didnt take the early red flags more seriously. He used to hide my belongings, keys when i had to leave for work, makeup when i wanted to leave the house etc.

I spoke to my mother in private tonight and she agreed with me. I was seriously surprised. She said she will talk to my father and warn him. 

Im sad deep down... i thought he was going to be my husband. He treated me so well in the beginning and it all went down so fast and without me even noticing. Or so busy birthing and mothering our children i missed it.



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## sixty-eight

It's just what they do. They treat you so nice in the beginning so that you are sucked in, and then you are the frog in the pot of water. The abuse "temperature" is turned up by degrees so that you just adjust to it. It's happened to many of us that have escaped an abusive man. Self included.

When you are out, and ready, there's a thread here http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/319418-abuse-thread.html with lots of online resources and suggested books.
I would definitely look there, pick out a book and read when you can to help with your healing and understanding.

PM me if you can't find some. I have several eBooks on kindle and google play that can be lent to your phone to read for free, and i'm happy to help. Your local library might have some copies too.

Remember this awareness that you have now, that he is a danger to you and the children. Do not let yourself be lied to and manipulated into taking him back because he has "changed" It will likely be one of the first things he tries. IF it's possible for an abuser to change, it takes several years along with counseling/therapy. If he's back in 2 weeks (or 6 months) with an I've changed story and no effort or work on himself done, then it's a ploy.


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## MiMiSparkle

sixty-eight said:


> It's just what they do. They treat you so nice in the beginning so that you are sucked in, and then you are the frog in the pot of water. The abuse "temperature" is turned up by degrees so that you just adjust to it. It's happened to many of us that have escaped an abusive man. Self included.
> 
> When you are out, and ready, there's a thread here http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/319418-abuse-thread.html with lots of online resources and suggested books.
> I would definitely look there, pick out a book and read when you can to help with your healing and understanding.
> 
> PM me if you can't find some. I have several eBooks on kindle and google play that can be lent to your phone to read for free, and i'm happy to help. Your local library might have some copies too.
> 
> Remember this awareness that you have now, that he is a danger to you and the children. Do not let yourself be lied to and manipulated into taking him back because he has "changed" It will likely be one of the first things he tries. IF it's possible for an abuser to change, it takes several years along with counseling/therapy. If he's back in 2 weeks (or 6 months) with an I've changed story and no effort or work on himself done, then it's a ploy.


Thank you. Il definitely get reading some of those, im really excited to be free and heal from all of this..

Im really depressed today thinking about everything.. i want to cry just thinking about losing him.
I think the worst part is that i know once the initial phase of leaving him is over and he goes back to his hometown.. he will forget about me. Like i never meant anything. I feel absolutely stupid that i have placed him above everything else in my life since meeting him.
My heart just aches today. I have felt confused for so long that it was impossible to be sad. But now i know and im heartbroken...

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## sixty-eight

MiMiSparkle said:


> Thank you. Il definitely get reading some of those, im really excited to be free and heal from all of this..
> 
> Im really depressed today thinking about everything.. i want to cry just thinking about losing him.
> I think the worst part is that i know once the initial phase of leaving him is over and he goes back to his hometown.. he will forget about me. Like i never meant anything. I feel absolutely stupid that i have placed him above everything else in my life since meeting him.
> My heart just aches today. I have felt confused for so long that it was impossible to be sad. But now i know and im heartbroken...
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920W8 using Tapatalk


I'm so sorry. It's normal to be sad at the end of a relationship. the fact that it was a bad relationship doesn't change that.

Let yourself be sad for a limited time, and then get out and do stuff. Free stuff if need be. Learn a new skill, start watching a new show with a lot of seasons, get a new hobby.
Work out and take care of yourself. Even if it's just a youtube video workout after the kids are asleep.

Time and self care are powerful tools. And don't feel stupid. You placed him high on your priority list because you were a good partner. I like this, have you ever seen it?









Honestly, it's probably better if he forgets about you. I know that's harsh, but the alternative is for him to stick around wrecking havoc in your life. Until he gets his act together, then away is the best place for him. It will speed your healing process.


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## MiMiSparkle

I do love that quote. I have been so sad all day.. he feels it. He has come home, hugged me. Told me loved me and told me everything is going to be okay.

Why does this have to feel so confusing..

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## turnera

Because that's what makes it work - the cycle. Right now he's attentive, caring, loving and you can't imagine him ever hurting you again. But he will.

Read this:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse


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## Mr.Fisty

MiMiSparkle said:


> I do love that quote. I have been so sad all day.. he feels it. He has come home, hugged me. Told me loved me and told me everything is going to be okay.
> 
> Why does this have to feel so confusing..
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920W8 using Tapatalk



There is motivation for him to be nice right now but the fact is that you cannot believe it. The odds are way against you that he change over night by a very wide margin. He will show you love, hugs, affection, some attention, but when it comes to working to change and working for at least six months with a therapist towards that change, he will most likely not.

At this juncture, if you want him to really change for the better, demand him see a therapist for at least six months and you have to chek-up on him to make sure he is actually going.

These things he is doing, it is easy. Making promises, hugging, showing love, that i easy. Can he sustain it, can he control his anger, can he work to improve his life. You want him to show the effort and not just blow a lot of hot air. His promises have been empty and you have history to back that up.

You also need to educate yourself as Turnera has suggested. Knowledge will help you pick a better path, make wiser decisions. You are at the stage where most abusers will seem remorseful, sorry, show love and the cycle repeats itself because you are dealing with the same person, with the same programming. To alter his behavior, he needs to figure out why he is abusive, has to accept the fact he is an abuser, and change his way of thinking and responding not to be abusive.

Here, try this out, ask him you want to separate for a while to think things through, to get back on your own feet, work on your own issues first before you can enter a relationship. Base it on you want to be healthy, in the right mindset and this should be true.

Please talk with a shelter as they should have people there to help further educate you on the abuse cycle and show you why you will end up afraid of him again and he will abuse you again.


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## MiMiSparkle

Well last night i sat him down and asked if we could discuss our next move.. he didnt want to talk and sat on the couch not really looking at me.
I told him i was stuck financially and tired of him not having his own bank account, his own license and us having to pay for his past mistakes.
I suggested that we take a break so i can be independant again and work and support our children without being punished for his lack of payments to child support.

He said its not fair how he would have to live without our children. That our oldest needs to live with him. He cant live without his kids. He said if i want to leave he cant stop me but he will fight for our kids.
So, he didnt seem too fussed about losing me, said who have i been talking to that i want to leave him for.
He just seemed angry and depressed which makes me feel terrible, but i cant do this to myself anymore. 







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## turnera

Good for you! Now start taking those steps.


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## 3Xnocharm

MiMiSparkle said:


> He said its not fair how he would have to live without our children. That our oldest needs to live with him. He cant live without his kids. He said if i want to leave he cant stop me but he will fight for our kids.
> So, he didnt seem too fussed about losing me, said who have i been talking to that i want to leave him for.
> He just seemed angry and depressed which makes me feel terrible, but i cant do this to myself anymore.


Are you still staying with your parents? If yes, the HE is the one who needs to GET OUT. And make sure that he does! He can go find a friend or relative to stay with, and leave your car. Time to stand on his own, like it or not.


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## sixty-eight

MiMiSparkle said:


> Well last night i sat him down and asked if we could discuss our next move.. he didnt want to talk and sat on the couch not really looking at me.
> I told him i was stuck financially and tired of him not having his own bank account, his own license and us having to pay for his past mistakes.
> I suggested that we take a break so i can be independant again and work and support our children without being punished for his lack of payments to child support.
> 
> He said its not fair how he would have to live without our children. That our oldest needs to live with him. He cant live without his kids. He said if i want to leave he cant stop me but he will fight for our kids.
> So, he didnt seem too fussed about losing me, said who have i been talking to that i want to leave him for.
> He just seemed angry and depressed which makes me feel terrible, but i cant do this to myself anymore.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920W8 using Tapatalk


You can't care about what he wants.
That's where you have been. giving giving giving with him taking everything.

Now you have to do what's best for you and the kids. Your oldest needs to live with you, the stable parent with a driver's license. If he wants visitation or custody, then he will have to make the effort to better himself. (getting a license, getting a car, figuring things out on his own, clean/sober etc. counseling for the verbal abuse, etc.)

What is so special about your son that is different than all his other children? not that your son isn't wonderful, but, he has kids with you and with another woman. He's going to fight for your son, but not the rest of his kids? that's not healthy.

history says he won't fight for the kids. It was my understanding that he has court ordered support for the rest and doesn't visit them, or doesn't visit often?


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## MiMiSparkle

Yes i agree completely. He desperately needs to grow up and take control of his life. I cannot be responsible for that anymore.. im just enabling him at the moment and it isnt okay.

His daughter is a touchy subject with him really. When he was a teenager he had a one night stand with a girl. When she was 2 years old, he was contacted to do a dna test along with a few other men and he was the father. They built a relationship, but not a close one by any means.. it is strained. Bio mum is not a very nice person, towards me too.. but we have my step daughter every other week. 
I think the difference is, he went through our pregnancy, watched him being born and has been an active part of his life since.
He said the relationship with him and his daughter feels forced, the co parenting is low.. they do not talk etc.. as for our youngest. I know damn well he couldnt handle him full time, wouldnt even try so that leaves our oldest who is the apple of his eye...

I know what needs to be done and i feel ready. But why cant i just get it over with? I just am finding it hard to stand up and ask him to leave. Its so hard.


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## sixty-eight

MiMiSparkle said:


> Yes i agree completely. He desperately needs to grow up and take control of his life. I cannot be responsible for that anymore.. im just enabling him at the moment and it isnt okay.
> 
> His daughter is a touchy subject with him really. When he was a teenager he had a one night stand with a girl. When she was 2 years old, he was contacted to do a dna test along with a few other men and he was the father. They built a relationship, but not a close one by any means.. it is strained. Bio mum is not a very nice person, towards me too.. but we have my step daughter every other week.
> I think the difference is, he went through our pregnancy, watched him being born and has been an active part of his life since.
> He said the relationship with him and his daughter feels forced, the co parenting is low.. they do not talk etc.. as for our youngest. I know damn well he couldnt handle him full time, wouldnt even try so that leaves our oldest who is the apple of his eye...
> 
> I know what needs to be done and i feel ready. But why cant i just get it over with? I just am finding it hard to stand up and ask him to leave. Its so hard.
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920W8 using Tapatalk


If you ask other people to help you on a certain time and day, be with you when you tell him, it might help you.

i can't imagine that he would only get custody/visitation for only one of the two children you have together.


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## turnera

All your blah blah blah about his past...WHO CARES?

All that matters now is what YOU are doing to progress YOUR future.


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## MiMiSparkle

sixty-eight said:


> If you ask other people to help you on a certain time and day, be with you when you tell him, it might help you.
> 
> i can't imagine that he would only get custody/visitation for only one of the two children you have together.


Its honestly not that im scared.. i feel guilty as hell. I feel absolutely broken up about turning my back on him
Even as horrible as he is. I feel absolutely heartless. I cant kick the guilt.

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## turnera

Have you read the book The Dance Of Anger yet? Read that and then come back.


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## sixty-eight

MiMiSparkle said:


> Its honestly not that im scared.. i feel guilty as hell. I feel absolutely broken up about turning my back on him
> Even as horrible as he is. I feel absolutely heartless. I cant kick the guilt.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920W8 using Tapatalk


It's false guilt.
Why should you feel guilty? He's a grown man! You are not his mom. You have no obligation to take care of him.
You are his girlfriend, and the mother of his kids. He should be taking care of his own half of things, it's a partnership. 
He is a anchor that you drag, having to use family money that you earn to help his other child. A mean anchor at that, ungrateful for all you do, and calling you names.
Time to look after you and your kids.

You must do this, for your boys. Do you know what happens to kids who grow up in a home with abusive language or actions? They are 7x more likely to become an abuser, or become a victim to abuse. No. Show them healthy boundaries so they have something good to emulate.


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## Mr.Fisty

You can feel sorry for him, but that guilt is illogical. You are saying you feel guilty for protecting yourself. Have you heard of stockholm syndrome?

Btw, a lot of sociopaths have a terrible past with abuse and alcoholic parents, you increase the odds of your child developing mental disorders because of him. Also, should those people that have bad pasts be a reason why to stay because you feel empathy for them. My father grew up in an abusive home, his father tried killing his brother, in turn, I was abuse and tried committing suicide.


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## MiMiSparkle

I know. It all seems and feels so straight forward when i come here and read what you all write. It seems clear when i read the links you post, when i read about sociopaths, narcissists, the cycle of abuse, stockholm syndrome. Its all very familiar.

Just in reality it feels confusing. When i start talking to him, i feel like im in the wrong for doing this. I know the guilt is illogical. It doesnt make sense because he has no guilt for us. 
He keeps saying the problem is that im not working as well and the free ride is over. I would be happy to get a job but when i explain that its harder to take care of a 6 month old and 2 year old than he thinks.. especially when hes been at work that day. He tells me that he wont tend hand and foot on them like i do because i coddle them. That if they cry, he will leave them in a room. 
How can i comfortably leave my children and go to work like that.. im not comfortable at all. So im stuck at home.. then he makes me feel like i should be grateful he works while i get to stay home.
Yesterday after crying in my docs office, he put me on anti depressants to get through this time with some sanity.
My husband said the reason im crazy is because of these pills.

It all just leaves me feeling like im the crazy one who should be in a hospital or something. Its so confusing

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## turnera

Can you get a job at a daycare center? They often let the workers keep the kids there. You won't get paid much, but it will look good on your resume.

As for your POS abuser, get a piece of paper and write out ALL the things he's done to you. Keep it in your purse or pocket and read it every day. That's one of abuse victims' most common issues, is when they see the guy in his 'good' phase, they forget all the pain because they hope for real change. Read it every day, it will keep the pain fresh in your head.


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## 3Xnocharm

MiMiSparkle said:


> I know. It all seems and feels so straight forward when i come here and read what you all write. It seems clear when i read the links you post, when i read about sociopaths, narcissists, the cycle of abuse, stockholm syndrome. Its all very familiar.
> 
> Just in reality it feels confusing. When i start talking to him, i feel like im in the wrong for doing this. I know the guilt is illogical. It doesnt make sense because he has no guilt for us.
> He keeps saying the problem is that im not working as well and the free ride is over. I would be happy to get a job but when i explain that its harder to take care of a 6 month old and 2 year old than he thinks.. especially when hes been at work that day. He tells me that he wont tend hand and foot on them like i do because i coddle them. That if they cry, he will leave them in a room.
> How can i comfortably leave my children and go to work like that.. im not comfortable at all. So im stuck at home.. then he makes me feel like i should be grateful he works while i get to stay home.
> Yesterday after crying in my docs office, he put me on anti depressants to get through this time with some sanity.
> My husband said the reason im crazy is because of these pills.
> 
> It all just leaves me feeling like im the crazy one who should be in a hospital or something. Its so confusing
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920W8 using Tapatalk


You have to tune him out, don't listen to anything he says. And stop with the guilt, he is a grown ass man who needs to take responsibility for himself. Look what he has done to your life. Also don't worry about him being able to take your children, no court is going to grant this loser custody of ANY kids. Tell him to get out of your parents' house, cut off use of your car, and open your own bank account. 

The man is a jerk.


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## sixty-eight

MiMiSparkle said:


> I know. It all seems and feels so straight forward when i come here and read what you all write. It seems clear when i read the links you post, when i read about sociopaths, narcissists, the cycle of abuse, stockholm syndrome. Its all very familiar.
> 
> Just in reality it feels confusing. When i start talking to him, i feel like im in the wrong for doing this. I know the guilt is illogical. It doesnt make sense because he has no guilt for us.
> He keeps saying the problem is that im not working as well and the free ride is over. I would be happy to get a job but when i explain that its harder to take care of a 6 month old and 2 year old than he thinks.. especially when hes been at work that day. He tells me that he wont tend hand and foot on them like i do because i coddle them. That if they cry, he will leave them in a room.
> How can i comfortably leave my children and go to work like that.. im not comfortable at all. So im stuck at home.. then he makes me feel like i should be grateful he works while i get to stay home.
> Yesterday after crying in my docs office, he put me on anti depressants to get through this time with some sanity.
> My husband said the reason im crazy is because of these pills.
> 
> It all just leaves me feeling like im the crazy one who should be in a hospital or something. Its so confusing
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920W8 using Tapatalk


it's going to feel that way. That's part of that hard thing about all of this. You have to ignore what you may be feeling. Like when you see people coming here to deal with a cheating spouse, sometimes their feelings are telling them to fight for their spouse, to forgive them and hold on to them tightly. Their spouse is telling them they shouldn't ask about the affair. And we tell them they have a right to ask and heal, and to do the 180 and gain some distance. Sometimes our feelings are counterproductive to our personal growth. Especially if we are being manipulated. Feelings are not always reliable.

What free ride? You have been working and contributing. Now you are a full time caregiver for 2 kids under 2, that's a lot of work! And he doesn't help at all with your baby.

Logic would dictate that you won't be able to work without childcare, and if he's not reliable childcare, then he's one of the main reasons you can't work. Also, it sounds like when you do work, a portion of your money goes to support his daughter with another woman.

you're crazy because of pills you started taking yesterday? WTF. they probably haven't even had a chance to make you less depressed, much less crazy.
Calling you crazy is just a way to diminish your feelings.
like if you are having a disagreement and instead of logical rebuttal the other person asks if you'd had caffeine or are on your period. It's just negating your words to "win". 

In an argument or a disagreement, His goal is not going to be to come to a mutually beneficial decision. He's going to want to discredit and silence you, so that he can continue doing whatever he wants. It's futile. stop bothering, it's a waste of your emotional energy. Use conversation "enders" like, I'm sorry you feel that way, I feel differently. Try to stay calm, and detach.


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## KillerClown

MiMiSparkle said:


> I know. It all seems and feels so straight forward when i come here and read what you all write. It seems clear when i read the links you post, when i read about sociopaths, narcissists, the cycle of abuse, stockholm syndrome. Its all very familiar.
> 
> Just in reality it feels confusing. When i start talking to him, i feel like im in the wrong for doing this. I know the guilt is illogical. It doesnt make sense because he has no guilt for us.
> He keeps saying the problem is that im not working as well and the free ride is over. I would be happy to get a job but when i explain that its harder to take care of a 6 month old and 2 year old than he thinks.. especially when hes been at work that day. He tells me that he wont tend hand and foot on them like i do because i coddle them. That if they cry, he will leave them in a room.
> How can i comfortably leave my children and go to work like that.. im not comfortable at all. So im stuck at home.. then he makes me feel like i should be grateful he works while i get to stay home.
> Yesterday after crying in my docs office, he put me on anti depressants to get through this time with some sanity.
> My husband said the reason im crazy is because of these pills.
> 
> It all just leaves me feeling like im the crazy one who should be in a hospital or something. Its so confusing
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920W8 using Tapatalk


I have three children of my own and I have great respect for SAHM. Nothing I do at the office is more worthwhile or more difficult.

Your reality is confusing to you because you are trying desperately to see him as a decent person. You invested so much of your life on him and if it turns out he is not a decent person, you feel that somehow it devalues you as a person. This is far from the truth.

At the risk of being insensitive, may I suggest that you start looking at your life differently? You are a wonderful and caring person. Your devotion to your children and the sympathy you show for this creature you call "partner" is evidence of that. Unfortunately, caring and wonderful people are often targets of criminals.

He is not a "father". The title is earned and he has not earned it. He is not your "partner". The title is earned and he has not earned it. He has taken advantage of your insecurity and inserted himself into a family he does not deserve. He is a squatter in your life. You are not ending a relationship, you are evicting a squatter. Do not be afraid to cause a scene. Eviction always causes a scene. It is an unfortunately inevitability.

Take back what is yours. Good people deserves a good life.


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## turnera

I like that. Squatter. Just may use it now and then.


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## 3Xnocharm

@MiMiSparkle , how are things going?


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## MiMiSparkle

3Xnocharm said:


> @MiMiSparkle , how are things going?


Not bad, not great i guess. Im just going through the motions at the minute, getting through the first week of my new medications and such.. heads a little foggy but things are improving in that sense.
Still no closer to leaving him. Of course hes been fine with me, hes busy working every day, coming home and we arent talking much. Not sleeping in the same bed etc..
I know im wasting time and that there isnt a 'right time to leave' .. im just struggling in making the move to asking him to leave once and for all. 
I still feel ever so torn. 

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## 3Xnocharm

MiMiSparkle said:


> Not bad, not great i guess. Im just going through the motions at the minute, getting through the first week of my new medications and such.. heads a little foggy but things are improving in that sense.
> Still no closer to leaving him. Of course hes been fine with me, hes busy working every day, coming home and we arent talking much. Not sleeping in the same bed etc..
> I know im wasting time and that there isnt a 'right time to leave' .. im just struggling in making the move to asking him to leave once and for all.
> I still feel ever so torn.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920W8 using Tapatalk


Yeah, there never is a "right time" to end things. Even when you take steps to prepare, pulling the tirgger is hard. You just need to come to terms with the fact that doing so is the best thing for YOU. I think your issue is guilt at the moment. Been there.


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## MiMiSparkle

Hi all. A little update. 
I haven't pulled the trigger yet, so to speak.
But I have made numerous baby steps towards leaving. Im feeling very nervous of whats to come at the minute!
I meet a counsellor at the womens shelter next week where they will be working with me and supporting me through getting him to leave. She said that if i actually come into the shelter that they can get me on my feet financially and into a place of my own. 
Things feel like they are looking up for me. Iv asked him numerous times to leave since last week and he has blown it off and ignored me or just laughed and tried to kiss me and told me not to be silly.

I spoke with his parents as they asked how we were doing and i told them most of the issues and they said they fully back me up and are extremely angry with him for treating me and the kids this way. So im glad that they won't hate me for making this decision.

Hes going to take it so badly when I tell him to leave for good. I just don't know if i have the strength to be so pushy with him. I feel i dont have it in me 
Iv tried so many times to leave in the past year that hes not going to take me seriously. Hes so difficult to deal with..

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## 3Xnocharm

Im glad you are moving toward ending this.. are you still at your parents' house? Getting him out should be fairly easy if they back you up and let him know his free ride is over and he is not welcome in their home any more. 

Be glad you arent married. Once he is gone, you're done. You are doing awesome, keep going!


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## turnera

Who in your life can be there with you when it happens?


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## 53791263

Please divorce this man.


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## MiMiSparkle

I am still at my parents house and have warned my mother and sister of my plans and that there may be a commotion if i ask him to leave. They seemed fine with it and said that they will be here when it all happens in case of any kind of struggle but most likely won't be getting involved until there is a struggle. 
I will be asking him to get a ride from his friend or family as I will be keeping the car while he doesnt have a license. This will be the cherry on top, i think, that will make him lose his cool. So it will be nice that my family are around in case he becomes violent.
The womens shelter also said he could take the kids and be completely within his rights so im heading down to the court house tomorrow to get an emergency parental custody order in place. 
Il probably ask him to leave this weekend as he will be notified when I do that so he will know what's going on at that point. 

I feel guilty for planning these things behind his back and acting normal. He knows that something is up even though I'm trying to act normal.. as he keeps asking what my devious plans are and will call me during the day while hes working and ask who it is im seeing. 
Its like he completely ignores me when I tell him that im unhappy because of our situation and how he is acting.. not because I'm seeing anybody else. 

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## sixty-eight

MiMiSparkle said:


> I am still at my parents house and have warned my mother and sister of my plans and that there may be a commotion if i ask him to leave. They seemed fine with it and said that they will be here when it all happens in case of any kind of struggle but most likely won't be getting involved until there is a struggle.
> I will be asking him to get a ride from his friend or family as I will be keeping the car while he doesnt have a license. This will be the cherry on top, i think, that will make him lose his cool. So it will be nice that my family are around in case he becomes violent.
> The womens shelter also said he could take the kids and be completely within his rights so im heading down to the court house tomorrow to get an emergency parental custody order in place.
> Il probably ask him to leave this weekend as he will be notified when I do that so he will know what's going on at that point.
> 
> I feel guilty for planning these things behind his back and acting normal. He knows that something is up even though I'm trying to act normal.. as he keeps asking what my devious plans are and will call me during the day while hes working and ask who it is im seeing.
> Its like he completely ignores me when I tell him that im unhappy because of our situation and how he is acting.. not because I'm seeing anybody else.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920W8 using Tapatalk


he's delusional. he can't accept that it's on him, and that he needs to change, so he foists it off on you. That you must have a boyfriend or whatever. My abusive ex only just stopped accusing me of having a new boyfriend when things didn't go his way. And it's been almost a year. (and i haven't had one in all this time. Hundreds of accusations)

I wouldn't worry about it so much, it's just further evidence of his dysfunction.
I would keep it in mind as far as your safety. Especially if you think he would justify hurting you to get to the bottom of your supposed cheating.

Good for you, small steps are still steps. Any progress that you make is important, and you are making well thought out steps, and getting support from family.


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## turnera

This is just how it is with abuse victims. You wouldn't be having to do this 'devious' stuff if HE hadn't put you in that position by hurting you. Just accept that this is how you have to do it and be proud that you ARE doing it. Ok?

Oh, and ignore the 'who are you screwing' crap - all abusers assume that; they are incapable of understanding that THEY are why you are leaving, and since THEY see women as possessions, all they can reason out is that some OTHER guy has set his eyes on you.


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## MiMiSparkle

Thanks for all the advice. I guess it all makes sense.. he has not once accepted that it could be his fault. Other than times when hes been caught out on something and begged for forgiveness and pleaded with me to help him change.. 
It all seemed so genuine. 

I have just been so blind for so long..it's scary.

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