# Wth is going on?



## Huddox (Sep 30, 2015)

Hello all,

first post here. A lot to this story but I'll simplify as much as possible and hope I pretty well cover it enough and not confuse anyone. 

Me and my wife have been together for 17 years. Married for 5. We have two teenage daughters. We have always had a problematic relationship. Mainly on her part because she has this idea of a relationship being like the fairy tales where it's romance and passion all the time. We have now been separated for a little over a year. She took the kids and moved in with her mom. 

After a couple of months of not seeing or talking anymore than we have too because of the girls, she messaged me one day and told me about how she had been dating but she wasn't able to open up to anyone like she was with me. After that we started hanging out and having a sexual relationship. Everything was going like that up until about 2 months ago and she pretty much stopped talking and having me over aside from occasion. I questioned why but never got a response. 

A couple of weeks ago,the youngest and I were talking and she let it slip that her mom had some guy that lived 5 hours away in another state over for the night. Which of course p*ssed me off. I sent her a long message stating that I was tired of her lies and her using me. 

We didn't speak at all for the next week and she messaged me the following Sunday saying she was worried about me. I ended up going over there to talk to her. We talked a couple of times that week. This past Sunday morning she messaged me asking if I could come over because she wasn't feeling well. I did and we ended up having sex. I've been over there Monday and Tuesday as well. 

I assumed that maybe a week of NC and a week of barely saying anything to her had gotten her to drop the other guy and she was missing me. I thought maybe I would drop an invite to do something this weekend. Just hanging out at the house,get some take out and drink some wine. She said it sounded lovely but she has her mom's birthday party Saturday. I said we can do it on Friday night. She didn't respond. After a bit she told me that was still seeing the other guy and met him on a dating website. She said they didn't label each other as being in a relationship but he drives down for one night on the weekends. She said all she can offer me is her friendship and things are only platonic between us. Then in more or less words she told me that she's falling in love with him. 

A little bit ago I jumped on the same dating site and made a faux profile just to see if she was for real. There she was. Online. 

Seriously? We have sex on Sunday,back to hanging out at night,says she's falling in love but she's still getting on the dating site? Am I the only one confused here about this situation? Advice because I am completely lost on what to do and at a loss for words. Thanks in advance.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

It called "She's playing you". 

For gods sake I hope you used condoms. And stop having sex with her. If I were you I'd get checked for std's if you were not using condoms. 


Guys do this a lot with women. It's boosts their ego.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have some self respect. You're her booty call when she's lonely and wants to reassure herself that her OTHER men will want her.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

You are sharing your wife, that's what's going on. Stop it.


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## Huddox (Sep 30, 2015)

jerry123 said:


> It called "She's playing you".
> 
> For gods sake I hope you used condoms. And stop having sex with her. If I were you I'd get checked for std's if you were not using condoms.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry I misunderstood that last bit. "guys do this a lot with women" 

While my ego could probably use a boost,I wasn't trying to boost my own. 

It doesn't make sense. I'm right here and I got dropped for someone who lives several hours away? How could that even possibly work!?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I think your wife is confused, wanting you to keep holding on just incase she needs you as fall back but she is looking to see if she can fall in love with someone else. You said she likes romance...is the source of the problems? You are not meeting her emotional needs? She knows you like sex, every wife knows that so to keep you she will submit but when life turns to every day she realizes that you are not the romantic type that makes her heart flutter. This is not uncommon. A woman's sex drive is not nearly as high as the male and while the male can be completely satisfied just having sex, women usually like more emotional attachment or connection...kind of like when you were dating and actually interested in her for more than sex.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She is boosting HER ego by knowing you'll still screw her.

And you're looking like a fool.


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## Huddox (Sep 30, 2015)

AVR1962 said:


> I think your wife is confused, wanting you to keep holding on just incase she needs you as fall back but she is looking to see if she can fall in love with someone else. You said she likes romance...is the source of the problems? You are not meeting her emotional needs? She knows you like sex, every wife knows that so to keep you she will submit but when life turns to every day she realizes that you are not the romantic type that makes her heart flutter. This is not uncommon. A woman's sex drive is not nearly as high as the male and while the male can be completely satisfied just having sex, women usually like more emotional attachment or connection...kind of like when you were dating and actually interested in her for more than sex.


That's also the odd part. I always thought I was romantic. I often times made things by hand to surprise her with. I'm a musician so I wrote,played and sang songs. I would leave notes in her car telling her that I loved her. It might not have been romantic enough for her though. As far as the source of our problems, the only thing I can really say is that's always what she mentioned was what her idea of romance was. I thought (and I can only see it from my point of view) that I always let her know how incredibly special she was to me. 

She does see a psychiatrist because she has severe depression and Asperger's.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Huddox said:


> I'm sorry I misunderstood that last bit. "guys do this a lot with women"
> 
> While my ego could probably use a boost,I wasn't trying to boost my own.
> 
> It doesn't make sense. I'm right here and I got dropped for someone who lives several hours away? How could that even possibly work!?


I meant guys who are single and play the field. They don't want to stick with one woman. They play the field to ween out best girl to stay with. Most likely the one who gives the best sex and bj's. 

In a sense your wife is looking for the right guy. 

Stop having sex with her. Find a new woman when this is all over and your mind is clear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The quickest way (probably the only way) to get your wife back is to get a girlfriend and start saying no when your wife asks you to come over. You're acting like a confused trained dog. Start thinking for yourself.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Huddox said:


> That's also the odd part. I always thought I was romantic. I often times made things by hand to surprise her with. I'm a musician so I wrote,played and sang songs. I would leave notes in her car telling her that I loved her. It might not have been *romantic *enough for her though. As far as the source of our problems, the only thing I can really say is that's always what she mentioned was what her idea of romance was. I thought (and I can only see it from my point of view) that I always let her know how incredibly special she was to me.
> 
> She does see a psychiatrist because she has severe depression and *Asperger's*.


You realize, right, that romance and Asperger's don't usually mix well? If she said it was, it was most likely because she READ that that was what women liked. That's how Aspies get their clues into what regular people think and feel.

Not only that, if you don't do a more introspective assessment of what her love languages really ARE, you could be wasting your time doing things that not only don't matter to her, but may even IRRITATE her.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Huddox, sorry to have you here. I have seen this story play out too many times before.


However, I have a serious question for you.


Can you honestly tell me that you really don't know whats going on here and what she is doing and why ??? Really ???? You don't need us to tell you that your wife is playing you along with other guys - you can see this for yourself.

So in response to your thread title question - you know wth is going on!


The real question should be "whats the best way to deal with this?"


First accept that she is playing you and is an accomplished liar and a cheat. This added to her Aspergers and other problems does not make for a stable relationship.

So - first of all - STOP SLEEPING WITH HER and get yourself checked for STDs.


Next - are you happy with her having custody of your kids ? She sounds flaky - so protect yourself with respect to your finances and custodial rights and then divorce her.

Quite simple really.

Oh, and also start working on yourself to make you a stronger and better person. Lots of advice on this forum/TAM for that. Lots of reading material and also do the 180.

Take care.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I bet ten to one the minute you start to date, and you are not available to her anymore she will come running to you, but it will require you putting yourself out there and be ready for someone new in your life...unless you want to live like a yo-yo....tell her to contact you only about the kids, otherwise shut her off. Time to put on the big boy pants


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## Huddox (Sep 30, 2015)

Update. She just sent me a long message to which I have not replied. She says she thinks very highly of him and it's not likely to end anytime soon. However,they talked back when they first met online about how she needs a lot of attention in order to be happy but because of the distance he cannot provide that. They agreed that because of that they agreed to do whatever they need to do to be able to be happy including hunting for a mate. she said that he's not likely to look around though. She went into saying that she worries a lot about me and she enjoys my companionship very much. She says it's not a passing interest though and it feels very different. She said the situation makes her very sad for me and wishes I could find someone as well. 

Seriously? He's there one night a week for only 2 or 3 weeks now apparently.


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## Huddox (Sep 30, 2015)

manfromlamancha said:


> Huddox, sorry to have you here. I have seen this story play out too many times before.
> 
> 
> However, I have a serious question for you.
> ...


That's certainly understandable it's just the whole factor of how can she sit there and say she cares about him and sleep with me? That just really blows my mind. 

I'm not happy at all about her having the kids but because she's ill they worry a lot about her. I see the kids quite often now and I would have no problem getting full custody I don't think. It's suspected she has parkinson's disease but no diagnosis yet and she can no longer work. I figure that I should talk to the kids and see who they want to live with. 

Asperger's is something I really need to read up on. It's something that I don't quite understand. I figure it's only a matter of time that once the new wears off that she will drop him as well. I'm the only person she has that she can really count on.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

If you rode a rampant bull unicorn, and flew to the rings of Saturn to gather her bouquets of moonbeams, she would get tired of that shi-t too, and start scew-wing around behind your back....File immediately, and go 180 on her...Find out all you can about the one night Romeo...He is probably married.....Expose to everyone....


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

The 180 is for you my friend. 

You must stop being the puppy that comes when she calls. 

Just stop that right now. It only hurts you and gives her...whatever.


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## Huddox (Sep 30, 2015)

turnera said:


> You realize, right, that romance and Asperger's don't usually mix well? If she said it was, it was most likely because she READ that that was what women liked. That's how Aspies get their clues into what regular people think and feel.
> 
> Not only that, if you don't do a more introspective assessment of what her love languages really ARE, you could be wasting your time doing things that not only don't matter to her, but may even IRRITATE her.


I know she mentioned once after one of her many doctor appointments that she has something that goes on that her dopamine levels tend to drop...possibly the Asperger's I can't say that I honestly know. Aside from the Asperger's and depression her other issues aren't fully diagnosed yet. She did though mention that she tends to try to mimic other people as far as how a normal person acts. If it wasn't for the diagnosis it would be hard to say simply because she reads so much medical information and wonders if that's what she has. 

From the sounds of what posters are saying then I am wasting my time as it is. That's not to say that I'm dismissing what you are saying it's just that I have no idea how to find out what her love languages are when we are so distant at the moment and with this other guy in the picture (especially during the honeymoon phase) it would probably be damn near impossible to figure out what her triggers are. 

It's funny though. When we were together she would certainly cycle on comparing our relationship with those that are in the movies but then all the little things I would do she would go about bragging to her friends.


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## Huddox (Sep 30, 2015)

Woodchuck said:


> If you rode a rampant bull unicorn, and flew to the rings of Saturn to gather her bouquets of moonbeams, she would get tired of that shi-t too, and start scew-wing around behind your back....File immediately, and go 180 on her...Find out all you can about the one night Romeo...He is probably married.....Expose to everyone....


I wish I could get some dirt on him but he lives 5 hours away in another state. She's already told her friends about him. The weird thing is while she has told people about him,she doesn't invite him to go to anything with her. It's probably because he is only down one night a week and she wants time alone with him.

I was so mad the night I found out about him that I got in my truck to go do some permanent damage to his car so he couldn't come back to this state! I turned around a couple miles from the house stating to myself the damage is already done now.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Huddox said:


> Hello all,
> 
> first post here. A lot to this story but I'll simplify as much as possible and hope I pretty well cover it enough and not confuse anyone.
> 
> ...


Omg you are getting played so hard. 

And it's pretty much all on you. 

Stop putting your penis inside this woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

AVR1962 said:


> I think your wife is confused, wanting you to keep holding on just incase she needs you as fall back but she is looking to see if she can fall in love with someone else. You said she likes romance...is the source of the problems? You are not meeting her emotional needs? She knows you like sex, every wife knows that so to keep you she will submit but when life turns to every day she realizes that you are not the romantic type that makes her heart flutter. This is not uncommon. A woman's sex drive is not nearly as high as the male and while the male can be completely satisfied just having sex, women usually like more emotional attachment or connection...kind of like when you were dating and actually interested in her for more than sex.


Make no mistake... she's not confused at all. She knows _exactly_ what she's doing.

OP, you are your wife's "Plan B".


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Huddox said:


> I wish I could get some dirt on him but he lives 5 hours away in another state. She's already told her friends about him. The weird thing is while she has told people about him,she doesn't invite him to go to anything with her. It's probably because he is only down one night a week and she wants time alone with him.
> 
> I was so mad the night I found out about him that I got in my truck to go do some permanent damage to his car so he couldn't come back to this state! I turned around a couple miles from the house stating to myself the damage is already done now.


I would take some vacation time, follow him home, and confront him in his own driveway. Tell him you are going to rain hellfire down on him if he sees your wife again......Find out for sure where he lives, probably with his momma. and let him see you on his home turf a couple of days, follow him to where he works...Just let him realize free a$$ is not always free....


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Wow, she must be quite a looker to get away with such entitled, childesh behavior.

I always thought 'separation' was a time to be apart, assess the relationship, allow healing and such, not a time to go ape$hit and sow the wild oats?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> Wow, she must be quite a looker to get away with such entitled, childesh behavior.


Not really. Almost any woman can get sex pretty much on demand with a man at least as attractive as she is.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You got that right. You're her only doormat.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi

Where s she on the ASD scale, high functioning ? A lot of high functioning Asperger individual learn to mimic social skills. Since they are only capable of mimicking they lack the ability to generalize based on empathy. In your wife's case she is only able to experience 
90 day first love emotion. The fact she has not cheated before is amazing.

So yes, this is not strange to her. You do need to read up a great deal..


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## Huddox (Sep 30, 2015)

JohnA said:


> Hi
> 
> Where s she on the ASD scale, high functioning ? A lot of high functioning Asperger individual learn to mimic social skills. Since they are only capable of mimicking they lack the ability to generalize based on empathy. In your wife's case she is only able to experience
> 90 day first love emotion. The fact she has not cheated before is amazing.
> ...


I do not know where she rates on the scale. She only recently got her diagnosis for being Aspie. Her diagnosis came after things had started going south so unfortunately I am out of the loop on some of the more recent aspects of her medical condition. I would assume though that she is high functioning. 

I keep telling myself after the new wears off and the stress of that he can't be there as often as she needs or wants him to be will kill this thing off with him.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Huddox said:


> I figure it's only a matter of time that once the new wears off that she will drop him as well. I'm the only person she has that she can really count on.


And you'll be right there waiting for her to walk all over you again. 

Good luck.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Huddox said:


> I do not know where she rates on the scale. She only recently got her diagnosis for being Aspie. Her diagnosis came after things had started going south so unfortunately I am out of the loop on some of the more recent aspects of her medical condition. I would assume though that she is high functioning.
> 
> I keep telling myself after the new wears off and the stress of that he can't be there as often as she needs or wants him to be will kill this thing off with him.


The vast majority of these guys on dating sites have been burned & are just looking for sex...she is still in a fantasy to think she's going to find some romantic knight to take her away, fill this void she's trying to fill ....the fact she's been at this a whole year though.. it doesn't sound she is running back to you.. 

You need to move on.. so she can FEEL what she has lost, the finality of it.... is there is anything left to salvage.. this will hit her like a ton of bricks... she knows you are waiting, hoping, ready for her anytime she calls.. and needs a little attention.. this has to stop COLD...

Give her a wake up call..

You said this ...


> That's also the odd part. I always thought I was romantic. *I often times made things by hand to surprise her with. I'm a musician so I wrote,played and sang songs. I would leave notes in her car telling her that I loved her.* It might not have been romantic enough for her though. As far as the source of our problems, the only thing I can really say is that's always what she mentioned was what her idea of romance was. I thought (and I can only see it from my point of view) that I always let her know how incredibly special she was to me.
> 
> She does see a psychiatrist because she has severe depression and Asperger's.


 You sound more romantic than many men.. I think her mental condition is taking it's toll.. for whatever reason... I was always under the impression if one had Asperger’s, they were not romantic at all..but distant, unemotional.. more obsessive hobby focused -like in another world.. 

You said your relationship with her has always been problematic.. what have you found that makes her happy/ fulfilled when she was with you...or was that in itself always a striving in the wind? 

How are the daughters handling all of this?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

In my experience, Aspies understand emotions and feel them, but from a...weird connection. I know a young man who would want to ask a girl out, but he'd do something like take her his favorite manga magazine as an offering, because it is what makes HIM happy, and he can't understand that it wouldn't make HER happy. If that makes sense.

There's a book out that an Aspie wrote after finding out he had it, many years married. He and his wife came up with a sort of checklist to help him 'think normal.' Interesting read.
The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man's Quest to Be a Better Husband by David Finch | 9781439189740 | Paperback | Barnes & Noble


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

This is really sad to see honestly. She is using you, gaming you, and you are look for solutions to do the game better. I don't think you are going to listen but here goes anyway.

This marriage is done. She is cheating on you. You care about her...she doesn't care about you because you don't treat someone you care about this way. You need to get a divorce ASAP. You need to show your kids this is not ok behavior and that they can't treat thier future spouse this way or be treated this way. So you need a lawyer to deal with her and the divorce because right now you're way to weak to deal with her, she will walk all over you in a divorce and you'll come out he other side owning a cardboard box. You also need counseling big time for self esteem. 

If this continues you're going to get divorced anyway while she is playing fantasy land. In the mean time you could get a disease from all her escapades. Protect yourself here.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> Make no mistake... she's not confused at all. She knows _exactly_ what she's doing.
> 
> OP, you are your wife's "Plan B".


She's an aspie. She has no isea what she's doing.

Where's MattMatt?


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## Huddox (Sep 30, 2015)

SimplyAmorous said:


> The vast majority of these guys on dating sites have been burned & are just looking for sex...she is still in a fantasy to think she's going to find some romantic knight to take her away, fill this void she's trying to fill ....the fact she's been at this a whole year though.. it doesn't sound she is running back to you..
> 
> You need to move on.. so she can FEEL what she has lost, the finality of it.... is there is anything left to salvage.. this will hit her like a ton of bricks... she knows you are waiting, hoping, ready for her anytime she calls.. and needs a little attention.. this has to stop COLD...
> 
> ...


The oldest has withdrawn from me altogether. We still talk but she doesn't go out of her way no matter how much I try to do with her. She's always been her mother's child so to speak. The youngest is handling it ok but she does have bouts occasionally where she misses us all living under the same roof. Whenever it all comes up,I'm real careful about what I say and not putting all blame on my wife. I take them out quite a bit to do things and they know that anytime they need me that I'm only 10 minutes away and will come running. 

That's pretty much my thoughts on the dating site as well. To me (and it just may be the hurt talking) it seems that if he's perfectly okay with her having someone on the side that he's not as into it as she is. Which like you said,she's hoping someone will steal her away. 

She hasn't text me today and I haven't text her back since the last text she sent me yesterday. I don't have plans to get back with her. 

The relationship itself,the main problems we had was her feeling like there wasn't any passion and romance. Aside from that she was horrible with money which was always stressful. Now that I'm sitting here thinking about it..if I spent too much time with my friends she would get upset but I didn't have an issue with her going out to see her own. 

About 3 years ago all the symptoms of everything started really digging in on her. The undiagnosed symptoms are Parkinson's related but they aren't sure it's Parkinsons disease. Being only in her mid 30's the doctors that she has seen think she's too young to have it. She falls down periodically out of nowhere,her back will often times go out,she gets extreme jitters in her hands just a lot of different issues. It forced into having to quit her job and she is still waiting on a verdict for her disability. Due to her illness (outside the Asperger's) she had to quit dancing. Which is something she has been doing since she was really young. 

Now that I'm home from work,I'm going to start researching about this 180 that some of the posters have mentioned. Right now the first thing I know I need to do is wait till November so I can go ahead and take my job's health insurance and started looking for a psychiatrist. I am fully aware that I have really bad self esteem issues,social anxiety and obviously depression (which I know is normal in these situations).


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## Huddox (Sep 30, 2015)

turnera said:


> In my experience, Aspies understand emotions and feel them, but from a...weird connection. I know a young man who would want to ask a girl out, but he'd do something like take her his favorite manga magazine as an offering, because it is what makes HIM happy, and he can't understand that it wouldn't make HER happy. If that makes sense.
> 
> There's a book out that an Aspie wrote after finding out he had it, many years married. He and his wife came up with a sort of checklist to help him 'think normal.' Interesting read.
> The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man's Quest to Be a Better Husband by David Finch | 9781439189740 | Paperback | Barnes & Noble


I totally understand that. She would often times try to mimic what other people would do. I remember when we first started talking she would basically try to shove all the music she liked at me right off the bat. I know this is going to sound bad but it should probably be said. She wasted no time about jumping into bed with me. I mean first night I met her we had sex. She always said sex was the one time she felt comfortable in her own.


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## Huddox (Sep 30, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> This is really sad to see honestly. She is using you, gaming you, and you are look for solutions to do the game better. I don't think you are going to listen but here goes anyway.
> 
> This marriage is done. She is cheating on you. You care about her...she doesn't care about you because you don't treat someone you care about this way. You need to get a divorce ASAP. You need to show your kids this is not ok behavior and that they can't treat thier future spouse this way or be treated this way. So you need a lawyer to deal with her and the divorce because right now you're way to weak to deal with her, she will walk all over you in a divorce and you'll come out he other side owning a cardboard box. You also need counseling big time for self esteem.
> 
> If this continues you're going to get divorced anyway while she is playing fantasy land. In the mean time you could get a disease from all her escapades. Protect yourself here.


I'm totally listening. I keep adding more details not to dispute what anyone is saying by any means but just to give more details on the situation. You are absolutely right. I cannot go through divorce on my own. When I factor in that she can no longer work,doesn't have her own place and all her medical conditions I could probably get custody if I tried. 

Counseling is something I am for sure going to get into. 

When I sit here and think about it I really can't understand why I'm so drawn to her. I mean she doesn't work. Her health is incredibly bad. She seems to think that my feelings don't matter. Most of her days are spent laying in bed on facebook and browsing the internet (she is not on my friends list anymore). She doesn't really have anything to offer anyone but yet I'm hung up on her. I don't know if that makes sense but that's pretty much it.


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## Huddox (Sep 30, 2015)

Chaparral said:


> She's an aspie. She has no isea what she's doing.
> 
> Where's MattMatt?


That was her exact wording a few days ago "I have no idea what I'm doing" 

I don't drink but if he comes along with some alcohol he just may be my new best friend right now!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

It sounds like white knight syndrome to me. She is broken and you want to fix and heal. You have to let go or toxic people in your life will unravel you. 

Even if they have the title of spouse you have to let them go
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Huddox said:


> When I sit here and think about it I really can't understand why I'm so drawn to her. I mean she doesn't work. Her health is incredibly bad. She seems to think that my feelings don't matter. Most of her days are spent laying in bed on facebook and browsing the internet (she is not on my friends list anymore). She doesn't really have anything to offer anyone but yet I'm hung up on her. I don't know if that makes sense but that's pretty much it.


Most likely because SHE isn't drawn to YOU. She's always been somewhat unavailable, because she's an Aspie. We are subconsciously drawn to people who could take us or leave us.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You know the situation. If you're going to live like this then accept your life for what it is.

Me, I'd have moved on yesterday. Time is something you won't get back.

Why stay?????


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## mmcm3333 (Sep 12, 2015)

Please understand I'm very blunt. I just need to clarify something...you've been married 5 years, but you have teenaged daughters. Why didn't you two marry sooner- say once she was pregnant or after the first was born...then had another together without being married? (Or at least having some agreement about how to raise these children together?) You said your relationship was always problematic, so this can't be a big surprise to you- especially when you two brought children into the situation. This may have something to do with your present situation, which is why I'm asking. 

I'm not a big fan of just blaming the other person- you said the problems were mainly on her part. My husband and I have all sorts of issues and the first thing I do is try to figure out what I'm doing wrong- and as much as I want to blame him, there's almost always something I've done wrong or haven't communicated. You were very quick to just put this on her without regard to your role in this situation. 

From what you've wrote, it sounds more like a (young) couple dating and going through jealous turmoil- it sounds very immature. It doesn't sound like two parents working together and trying to figure things out (whether it's together or separate) in terms of raising children. You both seem more focused on what you each need/want and nothing has been said about what the kids need. (And maybe there is that element, but you haven't mentioned it). And if she has severe depression or Asberger's, then you should be even more concerned about the kids than your relationship(s) and sex.

Frankly, the two kids should be your (and your wife's) focus- not having sex, not dating, not who is sleeping with who, just the kids. When they're out of the house, you two can do whatever you want. But right now, those kids need you to be grounded and not get caught up in mom/dad's issues, jealousy, and games you two are playing with each other. I'd suggest you switch channels, have a discussion about how to raise the kids, talk about their futures (college is hopefully coming up), and just get serious about raising the children. Stop any overnight guests while the kids are in residence (no boyfriends while the kids are with her and no girlfriends while the kids are with you), and put the carnal needs at rest until the kids are 18/out of the house. If she won't agree, gather proof and go to court for custody. Keep in mind whoever has custody has to be a parent first and worry about their love life second (later, much later). You can fight over dating sites and sleep-overs, whatever, later when they're grown and out of the house. It's just not fair to the kids and they deserve some sense of 'normalcy' first and foremost- above everything else.


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## Huddox (Sep 30, 2015)

mmcm3333 said:


> Please understand I'm very blunt. I just need to clarify something...you've been married 5 years, but you have teenaged daughters. Why didn't you two marry sooner- say once she was pregnant or after the first was born...then had another together without being married? (Or at least having some agreement about how to raise these children together?) You said your relationship was always problematic, so this can't be a big surprise to you- especially when you two brought children into the situation. This may have something to do with your present situation, which is why I'm asking.
> 
> I'm not a big fan of just blaming the other person- you said the problems were mainly on her part. My husband and I have all sorts of issues and the first thing I do is try to figure out what I'm doing wrong- and as much as I want to blame him, there's almost always something I've done wrong or haven't communicated. You were very quick to just put this on her without regard to your role in this situation.
> 
> ...


I certainly appreciate bluntness 

I addressed the kids in an earlier post. I said when I'm talking to them I don't place any blame on any one person and very active in their lives on an individual level. The oldest is momma's girl and very close with her so she's withdrawn from me some but they are both very aware that outside of the several times a week that I take them out they can call me at any point,at any time and I will come running. The youngest has mentioned numerous times that she wishes we all lived under the same roof. I hate to see her sad but I can't instill any false hope either. As best as I know my wife doesn't talk bad to them about me either. I know how it sounds in my post but I do very much love my kids and they are a priority in my life. We are both screw ups but I can honestly say that we have somehow bungled our way into raising a couple of very bright and honest kids. As for when/if I start dating again I would never introduce someone to them unless it was actually going to be something serious. I don't like the idea of people being brought into their lives unless they are there to stay and certainly don't like the idea of another man coming and possibly trying to play dad to my kids. That thought is making me start to shake with rage even typing it out so moving on...

The reason we didn't marry sooner is based around a lot of reasons really. The major was her always flip-flopping...I was 20 and she was 18 when we first got together and neither of us really wanted to get married. She had trouble holding down a decent job. I had a steady job but wasn't making a lot of money. Late in our relationship we went through a period of time where things had just been really good between us and I felt it was time and asked her to marry me. Maybe we were just naive kids but we didn't see a reason why having kids meant we needed to get married. The kids,it sounds bad but to be honest,they were both happy accidents. I won't sit here and say I'm a great dad. I have made my fair share of mistakes but one thing is for certain is they do know how much I love them. 

I really wish I could tell you what I did wrong in it. I would love to know myself honestly. I simply have no idea. Anytime we've had an issue the only thing she would ever say is she doesn't feel like there's the kind of passion and romance she needs and wants. She would say we speak different languages on that end of things. That's always been her reasoning when she would doubt us. I don't question that I've done something on that end but being as that I have no idea I can't address it in an honest fashion. One day it was there isn't any passion and a week later she would be saying she's never been so happy in her life. If that makes sense to you then you are in better shape than I am because it utterly confuses the h*ll out of me.

When I found out about the other guy I did tell her that I don't appreciate her having a stranger over at the house around them. She told me being that I don't live there it's not my business what she does with her life and if she is going to be with someone then the kids have a right to know about them as well. I actually have a saved text message from her stating that the other guy does stay at the house. I know there's a lot of things I'm not real clear on what to do about but I have enough paranoia about them that I save anything that I think might even potentially need at a later time. I have texts from her talking about how she will stay the night at a mutual friends house and leave the kids with her mom. Which her mom is no babysitter. She is not in good health either.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You might want to hand her this article, so she can understand why she feels all heartbeats and butterflies with New Guy and not you. Specifically that it doesn't last.



> My own research and experiences reveal that the effect of those chemicals lasts between six weeks and one year, three months being the more common turning point of a relationship. The "craziness" of love chemistry rarely lasts more than a year.


http://www.way-of-the-mind.com/love-chemistry.html

Another good one:
DR. KESTNER: Being in love depends on brain chemistry - The Murfreesboro Post


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Huddox said:


> About 3 years ago all the symptoms of everything started really digging in on her. The undiagnosed symptoms are Parkinson's related but they aren't sure it's Parkinsons disease. Being only in her mid 30's the doctors that she has seen think she's too young to have it. She falls down periodically out of nowhere,her back will often times go out,she gets extreme jitters in her hands just a lot of different issues. It forced into having to quit her job and she is still waiting on a verdict for her disability. Due to her illness (outside the Asperger's) she had to quit dancing. Which is something she has been doing since she was really young.


Not trying to scare you and I'm not a doctor, but I would suggest she be tested for Progressive Supranuclear Palsey (PSP). It is often misdiagnosed as Parkinsons because it shares some of the same physical symptoms, but the symptoms are more neurological.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Huddox said:


> Update. She just sent me a long message to which I have not replied. She says she thinks very highly of him and it's not likely to end anytime soon. However,they talked back when they first met online about how she needs a lot of attention in order to be happy but because of the distance he cannot provide that. They agreed that because of that they agreed to do whatever they need to do to be able to be happy including hunting for a mate. she said that he's not likely to look around though. She went into saying that she worries a lot about me and she enjoys my companionship very much. She says it's not a passing interest though and it feels very different. She said the situation makes her very sad for me and wishes I could find someone as well.
> 
> Seriously? He's there one night a week for only 2 or 3 weeks now apparently.


So you are her buddy and get occasional sloppy seconds.

Im getting more and more embarrassed for you.

A dating separation? bad idea.

STOP IT!


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## Huddox (Sep 30, 2015)

Hey all,

I'm on lunch break but decided to check the forums. Thanks for the replies. Typing on my phone I can't give as detailed of responses as I would like too. 

Turnera: thank you for the article! I recall one doctor telling her before that she does have low dopamine levels that fluctuate so it wouldn't surprise me if any stimulation on that end would cause them to rise. I'll email her the article this afternoon to read.

Satya! Thank you for that! It's definetly something to look into when the doctors are clueless!

Weightlifter: I haven't spoken to her since she sent me that text. She text me yesterday but as of yet I have not replied.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Maybe I'm in the firm minority here but the idea of "in sickness and health" seems to apply especially if she's physically not fully 100-%.

I realize the infidelity aspect of the story - don't get me wrong. But given the mental and medical issues going on with her I'm not sure I would write it all off.

Obviously if she's ASD there's not much you can do to 'Cure' that but techniques like CBT can be used to help with emotion regulation and the like. Once you get the long distance dude out of the picture of course. If that does not happen she needs to realize that she's not in a position to act in this manner and that the long term consequences are not going to be all that good for her.

If she's willing to work on the marriage and all that of course... If not forget my post. 

She's got a lot on her plate - possible Parkinson's, ASD, etc so the faster she figures out what the future holds the better both of you will be. If she wants to work on it maybe you can succeed.

(The physical illness aspect is the big difference here, before the TAM illuminati run for their pitchforks).


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## Huddox (Sep 30, 2015)

john117 said:


> Maybe I'm in the firm minority here but the idea of "in sickness and health" seems to apply especially if she's physically not fully 100-%.
> 
> I realize the infidelity aspect of the story - don't get me wrong. But given the mental and medical issues going on with her I'm not sure I would write it all off.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your reply and I certainly appreciate your opinion on the matter. 

I really wish that things were on better terms when she found out where she sat on the ASD spectrum so I could be a little more accurate on it. 

I really wish I was capable of getting him out of the picture but that's got to be her doing. I do though feel that as quickly as she attaches to people...the distance in itself will fizzle the relationship out eventually. 

I don't even think she's really thinking about that a new relationship partner is unlikely to want to stick around once they realize just how bad her symptoms actually are. Unfortunately,he really won't realize it when he's only around 1 night a week. In that same vein,I don't think she see's that the very factor that he's okay with her having someone on the side that it stands to reason that he's not in this as much as she is. 

She absolutely does have a lot on her plate but she knew this when she left as well as when she decided to find another. 

It's hard to distract my brain because there is so much of me that wants to be with her still but at the moment I have to figure out how to be okay with going on without her and how to protect my kids from how much messier this is liable to get before whatever fate has in store takes over. 

I do sit here and worry a lot about her health which makes it even harder to not text her. After all these years that I've been by her side I know how heavy a toll it takes on her.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Well... It really boils down to whether she has enough of herself together to make the decision herself. 

I also don't think it serves any purpose for you two to be separated. Again I'm in the minority here.... Tell her separation is auto filing for divorce - end of game.


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## Huddox (Sep 30, 2015)

john117 said:


> Well... It really boils down to whether she has enough of herself together to make the decision herself.
> 
> I also don't think it serves any purpose for you two to be separated. Again I'm in the minority here.... Tell her separation is auto filing for divorce - end of game.


That's very true. With her having no job,no income and living with her mom I don't think she's really in the position to make any kind of life choices. It was just recently she was saying she's doesn't have her sh*t together enough to be able to date anyone but apparently that wasn't true


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

What she does is flings, not dating.

She needs to understand what she's in for and that she can't depend on her mom if and when her health goes south. 

If she can't see the forest for the trees I would work on mental health intervention. Pronto. She's not thinking straight, possibly 'cause it's easier to think about the remote guy than about her own health and future.


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## Huddox (Sep 30, 2015)

john117 said:


> What she does is flings, not dating.
> 
> She needs to understand what she's in for and that she can't depend on her mom if and when her health goes south.
> 
> If she can't see the forest for the trees I would work on mental health intervention. Pronto. She's not thinking straight, possibly 'cause it's easier to think about the remote guy than about her own health and future.


To be honest...I don't think she knows the difference between a fling and a date. 

Her moms health is failing as well. The doctor's have said a few times that there is nothing more they can do for her. 

I know she is seeing a psychiatrist but that only started recently.


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## pollyanna (Oct 2, 2015)

Ending a relationship is like knocking over a pop machine. It takes time to knock over a pop machine by yourself. You have to rock it back and forth until it falls over. It's the exact same thing with a relationship. It takes time to end, just like it takes time to start. You are done buddy!! Create a real dating profile for yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Huddox (Sep 30, 2015)

pollyanna said:


> Ending a relationship is like knocking over a pop machine. It takes time to knock over a pop machine by yourself. You have to rock it back and forth until it falls over. It's the exact same thing with a relationship. It takes time to end, just like it takes time to start. You are done buddy!! Create a real dating profile for yourself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wish it were that simple. I am in no shape to even start looking at other women. I have way too much else to take care of before that even becomes an option.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Huddox said:


> She absolutely does have a lot on her plate but she knew this when she left as well as when she decided to find another.


 Yeah she sure does have a lot on her plate. Your backbone, balls, self respect and dignity and your sitting next to her cutting it up and feeding it to her one forkful at a time so how about this.

Wise up and reclaim what was yours. She wants her freedom then give it to her and give your kids on parent with some common sense. There's no reason why your letting her destroy you from the inside out and just take it. File, have her served and be done with it.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The collective does not seem to consider the ASD and likely neurological issues all that much.

I would be the one unloading the pitchforks from the truck normally but here you have someone who's facing not so great long term health news, has likely impacted mental / cognitive state as it is, and so on. It's not quite as simple as "throw her out". 

There may well be time for "throw her out" drama but right now I think compassion would be a little higher on my list than revenge, and Heaven knows I'm not a big fan of compassion.


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## Huddox (Sep 30, 2015)

john117 said:


> The collective does not seem to consider the ASD and likely neurological issues all that much.
> 
> I would be the one unloading the pitchforks from the truck normally but here you have someone who's facing not so great long term health news, has likely impacted mental / cognitive state as it is, and so on. It's not quite as simple as "throw her out".
> 
> There may well be time for "throw her out" drama but right now I think compassion would be a little higher on my list than revenge, and Heaven knows I'm not a big fan of compassion.


There are definite neurological issues happening. She's never had a great memory but it has been getting increasingly worse over the years. Over the past year it's been going downhill quicker than it had been previously. 

I'm more of a nurturing,compassionate person than a revenge type person. Don't get me wrong. I have my buttons that will get me to fly off the handle but they are hard to press. Which obviously,when I first found out about the guy rage is all I felt. 

The kids are highly important to protect from all this right now. So I'm real careful not to say anything negative about her to them and generally try to avoid the topic altogether. Which unfortunately,the very factor that they are wrapped up in all this makes it even more of a difficult situation. 

I'm researching insurance plans online right now. I don't really want to wait till later in the year to sign up for my companies insurance. I need to try to talk to someone about all this now as well as my own issues.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The time for revenge is later... Right now you need to show your wife and kids that in a time of crisis you will do what is right, not what is right for you.

I don't offer this advise lightly - I'm far from benevolent myself  - but we humans are a bit flexible here. 

Forty years ago I was a kid in my village and a villager, in the middle of a water rights dispute, pulled a shotgun and threatened the village irrigation manager (my brother's future father in law and a certified nutcase). The police arrived and it all went to trial (weapons charges in my birth country being serious). After the trial (water guy decided not to press charges so shotgun guy walked out) the water guy hailed a taxi from the county seat town to the village. As he drove off he saw shotgun guy and asked him to come along. Shotgun guy was flabbergasted. "I almost shot you, and you're giving me a free ride?"... Water guy just shrugged it off. He passed on a few years ago in his late 80's, a nice guy but nobody who would want to screw with. After that incident nobody ever did.

Hopefully you'll be the water guy.


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## Huddox (Sep 30, 2015)

That is kind of an incredible story! I would have been more thinking along the lines of "oh you're not home? I'm going to go burn your house down!"


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Huddox, sorry to say this but your WW is taking you for a ride, you are her plan B, she has her cake and is eating it big time. You need to take action whether it results in resuscitating this marriage or not, for your own good.

1. you must go no contact and do the 180 unless it is something specific to do with the kids (let her see what it is like to not have you in her life)
2. Get yourself tested for STDs, she is meeting guys on websites and sleeping with them!
3. Get yourself into some counselling to help you get through the next year or so
4. Get a good lawyer and sort out what you need to do, draw up the papers, let her see you mean business and you are not going to be her Plan B. Her faux concern about your well being is just a way of keeping you hooked, do not let her do this to you. 
5. Let all family, friends know exactly what she is doing. You will need as many as possible or your side, blow up her alternative fairy land and let her discover the consequences of her own actions.

You are hurting and probably holding out hope, but you will not save the marriage by acting like you are at her beck and call, nip that in the bud. No doubt when she feels you withdrawing, she will come after you, even make promises but stay strong and firm. Going into a R with someone who is involved with someone else will not work, so the more emotionally detached you are the best for yourself. You will become a stronger person and may not want her back after all of this. 
You have to stop what you are doing now, it will only destroy you.


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## Huddox (Sep 30, 2015)

We blew up a little bit ago. 

I have done really well about not texting her but then she text me that the youngest was asking if she could stay with me tonight. Our youngest doesn't have a cell phone. So I kept a a short reply and said "of course she can" which she then proceeded to tell me that I needed to pick her before such and such time because "x" made arrangements to drive down after work. Which of course set me off. 

She then proceeded to say that she's in love him with and he's her priority. I replied with "our kids should be your priority. You are not in love. It's infatuation and you are the only one that's really into it. He can't move to be with you and our kids are certainly not moving. You're living a f*cking fantasy that will crash down" She then replied with "you don't know what it is. You and I are not romantically involved and will not tell me what I can do"

To make a relatively short conversation even shorter I told her I'm picking both kids up at such and such time because my kids are not going to be around him.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

That's fantasy land right there. Stressful events tend to twist reality.

I think proceed with taking your kids home and let her deal with her own illness for a while. Talk to a lawyer and start a formal separation process with the understanding the kids stay with you. Use her health as a reason. 

Hardball does not hurt - but explain to her that a prolonged separation (set a date) will not work at the end.

It really depends on how the court is likely to grant custody. If they look at it from the standpoint that the woman gets custody regardless then you're screwed. If not you have leeway.

Also let her know about future health coverage, if she gets it thru you then it's one more thing to worry about come divorce time.

To summarize, some hardball is needed here. And it all depends on:

1. Her attitude towards the relationship (so far not reassuring)

2. Her degree of separation from reality

3. The man-friendliness of the family court system.

You can give her lots of leeway as I suggested subject to #1 and #2 being reasonable values and #3 being also reasonable. If she's playing hardball with #1 and #2 then #3 is your only chance. 

I would focus on #3 while remaining receptive towards the other two.


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## Huddox (Sep 30, 2015)

I'm saving the texts that said he is her priority. 

I know typically the courts around here are more friendly towards the woman but I think I have a pretty good edge just on the basis that she lives with her mom,doesn't have a job,disability hasn't been approved yet and has legitimate medical illnesses. 

If she wants to get nasty. I can do that too. If it wouldn't hurt my kids when they are with her I would so tell social services about how much money she has in her account from drawing out her 401K after she had to quit her job and see if I could get her food stamps cancelled and disability denied. 

I'll be cordial and do my best to limit my contact with her where it concerns the kids. 

I'm fixing to have to go clean up and go grab my kids but I'll be able to post more tomorrow. I know they will have questions since my wife does not bother hiding what's going on when she's angry or dulling it down any. It'll most likely be some twisted version of what actually happened. She does that a lot. Then tomorrow I'll start looking for consultations with an attorney.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

That's the thing. The fact that she's missing some very obvious rationality warnings is a good indication of what you're dealing with.

The key is for you to decide when the dating is done, what will your reaction be. I feel she'll stay with mom and not object to you having custody, go on like this for a while, then other wake up or be dumped and wake up or get sicker and wake up.


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

Speak with an attorney immediately. You are dragging your feet about divorce but you can get a separation agreement with specific custody arrangements - no overnight "guests" of the opposite sex, the kids are the priority and, *MOST IMPORTANTLY*, she can* NOT* take them anywhere else without your written consent and she can not speak badly of you to or in front of the girls. As it now stands, she can up and take the girls with her to go live with her other man or anywhere else and you wouldn't have a leg to stand on to stop her. Of course, these same rules would apply to you but I don't see a problem with that.

IamSomebody


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## Huddox (Sep 30, 2015)

Wee hours of the morning here. Kids are asleep but me...stressed,a little fearful of the coming days and can't sleep a wink. It does feel good to have both girls here though. 

We had a short conversation. She did distort the truth some and told them that I text my wife and started the argument about (x). I just simply said that wasn't what happened but that I am stressed over everything but that no matters what happens it won't change my relationship with them. They went on to say that (x) was a nice man but they didn't really talk to him much. 

So right now I am sending out emails to family law lawyers and explaining my situation and what I wish to be done. Which of course will be able to go into more detail when I actually speak to them. I am going to find out if it's possible for me to make it to where she can't leave the state with our kids. 

I have probably a bad lookout at this. One one hand I've gotta start doing things as if I'm moving forward but at the same time I keep hoping it will end up snapping her out of fantasy land at the situation that has been created by us. 

I don't know what exactly I did on my end for things to get this way but I will claim some responsibility for it.


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