# Moving Forward...



## lorithehun (Sep 22, 2009)

Do you think that reading this forum is productive for someone who's spouses infidelity was *3 years* ago? 
Reading these threads has provoked very intense feelings in me... I'd guess that means that I have not really put my husband's affair behind me. I feel like I am gaining some new insight here... but jeeze, 3 years is a long time.

So what do you think? Three years... is there any hope that given even more time I'll learn to move forward? Or should I throw in the towel?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I would think the answer to this question lies in what actions he has or hasn't taken, and what form has your marriage taken in those 3 years?


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Do you feel you got any kind of closure three years ago? Or did he just admit to the minimum of what you knew at the time, leaving you with the fear that he was never fully honest with you? My wife's promiscuity ended 2 months ago and she hasn't admitted her mistakes yet. It was all innocent. I have had no closure yet. 

Yes, the pain of lying in bed at 2:00 in the morning wondering where she is, who she's with, what she's doing is gone. But I have the new pain of why did she do it to me? What went on during her partying excursions? I still need to work up the cajones to get closure on that. If I don't, I'll be starting a thread like this in 3 years.


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## lorithehun (Sep 22, 2009)

cody5 said:


> Do you feel you got any kind of closure three years ago? Or did he just admit to the minimum of what you knew at the time, leaving you with the fear that he was never fully honest with you? My wife's promiscuity ended 2 months ago and she hasn't admitted her mistakes yet. It was all innocent. I have had no closure yet.
> 
> Yes, the pain of lying in bed at 2:00 in the morning wondering where she is, who she's with, what she's doing is gone. But I have the new pain of why did she do it to me? What went on during her partying excursions? I still need to work up the cajones to get closure on that. If I don't, I'll be starting a thread like this in 3 years.


My husband was in a band and his band-mates told me there were other women... women after gigs who would give him oral sex in the back of the band van & women he hit on at nearly every gig. He admitted to the long-term affair (I think only because I talked to the OW on the phone and she admitted it first), but denied any others. He said his band wanted to kick him out and this was how they went about it: by telling lies to me. I have trouble following that line of reasoning. Seems to me there are better ways of kicking someone out of a band than concocting elaborate lies to tell someone's wife. I found out only because I was building the band's web site at the bass players house (on his computer) and came across pictures of my husband dancing very dirty with a woman (him straddling her while she lay on the dance floor, his hands on her ass while they danced, pics like that..). He says he only danced with her, no sex, but that is what prompted me to start digging and then people started talking to me about what he'd been doing.

There was also a lot of stuff that he said about me, a lot of lies to our friends to justify what he was doing.. For example I was caught in a house fire in 1998... I barely got out alive... I was badly burned and lost all my possessions, including all of my kids' baby pictures & videos. He told people I STARTED IT! He denies saying those things, but they wouldn't have known about the fire because I don't talk about it casually, it's a traumatic event in my life that I only share with people very close to me. There were many emotional betrayals that he denies.

The biggest thing: about a year after I found out about his affair, after nearly a year in marriage counseling, he told a mutual friend that he'd do it again if I wasn't fulfilling his needs (sex). He later claimed he only said that because he was angry at me. 

So no, I don't suppose I've ever been satisfied with his version of events. He only admitted to what I had concrete evidence about. The rest he claimed were lies told by many vindictive people. In marriage counseling those things were downplayed and the primary focus was on why we weren't happy with each other prior to the affair.

Sorry this is such a novel...
You said work up the cajones... you mean to ask her or to insist on better answers because she is being vague?


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## lorithehun (Sep 22, 2009)

Deejo said:


> I would think the answer to this question lies in what actions he has or hasn't taken, and what form has your marriage taken in those 3 years?


My marriage went like this after the affair:
We went to almost one year of marriage counseling and I sunk deeper and deeper into depression and an odd sort of self-loathing. I felt very much like a chump... so humiliated that I couldn't face people. It got worse, not better, during that year. 

Then I had my own affair. I justified it by telling myself I was "getting even". I spent that second year completely detached from our marriage. I felt empowered in a sick way by my affair. It did restore some of my self-esteem, but it did more damage than good (of course). 

This third year I've made a concerted effort to put everything behind me. We've been kind to each other. Not close, but kind and careful of each other's feelings. He says he's in love with me. I tell him I love him. Sex is very difficult for me, he wants it all the time. We have small spats, but are careful to avoid fighting over the past. We've both admitted we don't trust each other. We've bought a new house & our focus is on our daughter. I avoid him as much as I can without being obvious... he wants to cuddle and be near me every minute he's awake. 

ALSO, he's done everything he can to be an open book: I know where he is at all times & have access to his phone. I am also an open book to him. We still don't trust each other.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

It would be difficult to get over what you've been through in only 3 years, especially since the first 2 years were rocky at best.


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

lorithehun said:


> Do you think that reading this forum is productive for someone who's spouses infidelity was *3 years* ago?
> Reading these threads has provoked very intense feelings in me... I'd guess that means that I have not really put my husband's affair behind me. I feel like I am gaining some new insight here... but jeeze, 3 years is a long time.
> 
> So what do you think? Three years... is there any hope that given even more time I'll learn to move forward? Or should I throw in the towel?


I wish I knew the answer for all of us, but unfortunately I don't. I am still hanging on...if just for the time being. I have no idea what the outcome will be. I am overwhelmed at times, just doing basic things that "affair unexpecting" people do in the course of a day. These situations are extremely difficult, in that I have been rocked and shaken to the core. I feel like "a blind man in a dark room, looking for a cat that isn't there." I am sure there is hope, at least, for some of us, but I wonder if it is for me. I just can't seem to shake the feelings of mistrust that surrounds me most of the time.

Good luck and best wishes to you and your situation.


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## Calypso (May 11, 2009)

I am finally learning to let it go. I hated the way it made me feel. The A was controling my thoughts all day long. I had some major issues to deal with that came with the A. But I finally decided a few weeks ago I had to forgive him for everything. It wasn't something that came easy. I dwelled on it for a while. Then said it was the only way I was going to be able to start the healing process. 
Plus we talk about what ever is bothering me if it pops up. He answers all my questions that is the deal we made in the beginning. It has helped me understand why some things happened. What we can do to save our marriage. He told me I didn't have to forgive him but I felt I had too. It was such a relief to let it go. I haven't felt angry since then either. I also don't get as depressed as I use too. We just want the whole mess to go away. I just wish the trust was a little easier to get back. But I hope that will come with time. It might take 3 years or 10 years. I have no idea but we are in it for the long haul. I wish you the best


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## Fas (Oct 7, 2009)

Gosh I just started my process of healing. It has only been about one month. I hope it doesn't take 3 years cause I don't think I would wait that long. We fortunately have no kids they are grown and from other marriages. If you have a child dtay together if you can. Divorce does awful things to kids. Been there done that. Respect each other, love and nurture your child. When he/she gets older you will have better options for moving on. If you can and your reltionship isn't toxic to your child the work it out. No one says you have to forget what they did. Also forgive yourself. Its not your fault your partner decided to opt for infidelity. Let him/her carry the guilt not you.


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## lorithehun (Sep 22, 2009)

foolz1 said:


> I wish I knew the answer for all of us, but unfortunately I don't. I am still hanging on...if just for the time being. I have no idea what the outcome will be. I am overwhelmed at times, just doing basic things that "affair unexpecting" people do in the course of a day. These situations are extremely difficult, in that I have been rocked and shaken to the core. I feel like "a blind man in a dark room, looking for a cat that isn't there." I am sure there is hope, at least, for some of us, but I wonder if it is for me. I just can't seem to shake the feelings of mistrust that surrounds me most of the time.
> 
> Good luck and best wishes to you and your situation.


Thanks Foolz1. 
Your posts always make me smile a little, even if it's a sad smile.
Hope you don't let this situation make you too jaded. Prince charming still exists... maybe he's even under the wolf's clothing your husband is currently wearing


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## lorithehun (Sep 22, 2009)

Calypso said:


> I am finally learning to let it go. I hated the way it made me feel. The A was controling my thoughts all day long. I had some major issues to deal with that came with the A. But I finally decided a few weeks ago I had to forgive him for everything. I wish you the best


I've made the decision to forgive & let it all go countless times, but I can't seem to stick to it. I'm glad things are going so well for you, I hope they continue in the same direction..


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