# Wife says I have to always get my way, don't know how I should take this!



## ptomczyk11 (Feb 9, 2015)

Anytime I want to do something that she doesn't agree with, she always throws it in my face saying "John, has to get his way again"; which really annoys me, just because I want to do something my way I'm viewed as a spoiled brat but when she wants something her way there is nothing wrong with that.

Some stupid examples:

1 - I was trying to help her make dessert for 4th of July BBQ, and I wanted to put icing on a couple cupcakes the way I use to do when I was younger and immediately she didn't want me to touch any of the cupcakes and said she wants to do them her way and wants them all to be the same. My logic is we are going to a simple BBQ and it's not like you are making these cupcakes for the president of the United States; why can't I just put icing on 2 damn cupcakes.

2 - She always says why do you always have to do the opposite of what I do. To my response in my head is you always do the opposite of what I do, but the part that's annoying is I never find it an issue to bring it up to her and it doesn't really bother me if I change something she did. 

a. It's stupid stuff like, I walk around when I'm shaving and go into one of our empty rooms with some storage boxes we have laying around and she says why do you keep on opening the door when I want it closed; I don't want to see the boxes. 

b. Or I'll pull up the blinds in the morning in one of our bedrooms that she uses the closet in and she says why do you keep pulling the shades open when I walk in here in the morning with no clothes on to get dressed; mind you, we are on the 2nd floor and unless someone has binoculars on the house 24/7 no one will ever see you! 

c. Or she will lower the A/C when she goes to bed early and when I go to bed later it feels really cold so I end up bringing it up and she has a comment to say about this too.

I don't understand why she has to bring this up and make it sound like because I do these things I'm against her or it's me getting my way. I don't know if it's because she has a "type A" personality that is driving all this but this is very frustrating to me on the receiving end.

We are both dominant in the relationship and we constantly bicker about stupid crap like this and I just feel like sometimes in a relationship 1 spouse has to be a bit more dominant than the other just to keep things moving forward. Or if it's something trivial just make me happy and let me do it my way; just like I let you do it your way when you want to do something.


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## tornado (Jan 10, 2014)

Sounds to me like she thinks her way is best and she doesn't understand comprise, which is imperative in a
Successful relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Turning the air up when you know she's hot is crappy. I get colder than my hb but if he's hot he doesn't sleep well

I put on a blanket.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Sounds to me like you are both stuck on getting your own way. But the examples you cited make you sound a bit annoying IMO, lol. It would drive me crazy (I'm being honest but think it is funny too).

First, don't mess with my cupcakes! Especially if I am taking them somewhere. I am known for my baking skills and I would be annoyed if you wanted to mess with my perfectly frosted cupcakes by frosting two "like you did when you were younger", she's not your mommy letting you lick the spatula to get you out of the way.

Don't open the blinds in her closet in the morning, people CAN see her without binoculars. She has a right to feel like she has privacy from the outside world in her home.

I don't understand why you need to walk around while shaving, it sounds messy and ADD, stand in front of a mirror.

And lastly don't mess with the thermostat! It is a classic male/female battle. Men are always the opposite of their wives it seems. In my book, the colder of the two needs to wear more clothes or blankets.

Sincerely, someone who sides with your wife on your annoying habits>

Seriously these are really small issues that if you allow them to keep festering build deeper resentments. They were probably cute when you were newlyweds...Try being more considerate of what she seems bothered by, you don't live alone.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

ptomczyk11 said:


> ...and we constantly bicker about stupid crap like this...


Then don't. Are any of the things you mentioned important enough to get all worked up about? NO! 

Stop sweating the small things. If you complain about a lot of small things, your wife will become tone-deaf and when it comes time to put your foot down on something big, you will have a harder time winning the day.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

ptomczyk11 said:


> Anytime I want to do something that she doesn't agree with, she always throws it in my face saying "John, has to get his way again"; which really annoys me, just because I want to do something my way I'm viewed as a spoiled brat but when she wants something her way there is nothing wrong with that.
> 
> Some stupid examples:
> 
> ...



Why not show her you are the dominant leader of your family by not sweating the little stuff. Leaders don't bicker -they lead.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

kristin2349 said:


> Sounds to me like you are both stuck on getting your own way. But the examples you cited make you sound a bit annoying IMO, lol. It would drive me crazy (I'm being honest but think it is funny too).
> 
> First, don't mess with my cupcakes! Especially if I am taking them somewhere. I am known for my baking skills and I would be annoyed if you wanted to mess with my perfectly frosted cupcakes by frosting two "like you did when you were younger", she's not your mommy letting you lick the spatula to get you out of the way.
> 
> ...


I have to agree here. You sound pretty annoying with always doing the opposite of her. She has asked you to not pull the blinds up and you still do. What the heck? I'd be mad at you too. She deserves some privacy. Stop doing that.


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## ptomczyk11 (Feb 9, 2015)

Thanks for the replies!

Lately, it feels I can't say or do anything right...

For example, our therapist said even though it doesn't come naturally to me I should be trying to meet her most important affectionate needs; which I have. I've wrote "I love you" post it notes on her car door, I've put together cute basket of treats for her when she was away for the weekend saying welcome back and I missed you, she was feeling depressed because she felt fat so I got her a balloon saying thinking of you and a cute card saying "looks like you need a smile today". I would take the time to draw cute puppy/kitten cartoons on the cards/notes because that's something we call each other. I've been overly verbally expressing that "I love her / I miss her"...all the things she likes and needs. 

Then we get into heated discussions that she loves everything that I've been doing for her but hates that it's forced or doesn't come naturally to me. Or she will say, you doing this for the past couple months doesn't out weight the 8+ years you didn't do anything...which I don't agree with her on this because I've always done nice things for her but maybe to not this extent or so often. 

I just want to say at least I'm making an effort, I know initiating sex doesn't come easy to you but I don't see you making any attempt of doing that for me or because you really want to have sex. It seems like I can't win.

I don't know maybe it's her OCD type personality but lately all I hear is her constantly complaining. If it's not something about work, it's her feeling like crap because she ate bad, or her body hurting her, or she's always tired, or she doesn't has to many things to do with friend/family and doesn't feel like doing them, etc.

And to top it off yesterday we went out for dinner, and we got on the topic of kids and I said having a kid is a complete selfless act and her or my needs will not be important because we will be both focusing on the kid. I didn't think I said anything all that terrible but then she got bent out of shape saying this is why I'm not jumping for joy to have kids because I know the little affection you give me know will be completely gone and the kid will get all the affection and I definitely won't be a priority to you after a kid since I'm not a priority to you even now.

I don't know what relationship she is viewing but I try to do the best I can and I think I put her first but in her head I guess she sees this differently. And I don't take back what I said about being selfless; I know our needs will fall to the wayside but I would hope both our goals would shift more towards the kid temporarily and also get back into the groove of meeting our needs again.

She always says that maybe she asks to much of me and I could be better off with a girl that is less demanding, and lately I've been thinking about this more and more; maybe the grass is greener on the other side. I feel like I'm doing a lot but it doesn't seem like it's ever enough.

Sorry to vent....


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## ptomczyk11 (Feb 9, 2015)

I completely agree with your responses; these are all stupid issues, and at one time we would just laugh it off or be lighthearted about it. But lately we have not been in a good place, so these little stupid issues become daggers in us trying to get back where we were. 

We are constantly walking on egg shells with each other...very sad place to be in with the women you are suppose to share everything with and is suppose to be your best friend.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

A lot of what is going on here is really...well...petty. Cup cakes? They were hers to do as she pleases. The blinds...well...even if they are on the 42nd floor in the middle of nowhere the blinds should stay shut if she is dressing and wants them shut. The door to the bedroom with boxes. Leave it shut. She has it shut for a reason. You open it and leave. Why? Personally I think you W has a point.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ptomczyk11 said:


> *We are both dominant* in the relationship and we constantly bicker about stupid crap like this and I just feel like sometimes in a relationship *1 spouse has to be a bit more dominant than the other just to keep things moving forward*.


And I suppose that person should be you?

Why is that?



> it doesn't really bother me *if I change* something *she *did.


Am I reading this right? Of course it doesn't bother you. You are 'winning.'

SMH

Anyway, I have a book for you to read. I assume you really do want advice, so here it is. Read His Needs Her Needs. It will tell you how to have a marriage where BOTH of you are happy.

The way she is acting, the way she's treating you, is because you are Love Busting her to death. And she's fed up with it. And if it keeps up, continual Love Busting ruins your partner's love for you. Eventually, she'll stop wanting you.

You can 'justify' everything you do all you want. But in the end, what matters - if you want to stay married - is that BOTH of you are getting your needs met in a respectful way and that you stop Love Busting each other.

It's like I tell my H. People don't want to be around you if you make them feel bad. He mixes sound, and his band recently fired him. He's great at what he does, but he thinks HE always knows what's right and they are always wrong. So he tells them so. Constantly. Every time they were together, he'd chew them out or tell them what they were doing wrong. And they got sick and tired of being UNHAPPY around him, so they fired him. And he said 'but I made them sound better!' And I said 'So what? If they're always miserable, they DON'T CARE what you can do for them. They just want to stop being UNHAPPY.' I told him if he doesn't want it to keep happening, he needs to learn to see THEIR side of things (and maybe to realize he really doesn't hold the patent on the only one being right all the time).

So maybe you need to see that you don't have to be the only one being right all the time.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ptomczyk11 said:


> For example, our therapist said even though it doesn't come naturally to me I should be trying to meet her most important affectionate needs; which I have. I've wrote "I love you" post it notes on her car door, I've put together cute basket of treats for her when she was away for the weekend saying welcome back and I missed you, she was feeling depressed because she felt fat so I got her a balloon saying thinking of you and a cute card saying "looks like you need a smile today". I would take the time to draw cute puppy/kitten cartoons on the cards/notes because that's something we call each other. I've been overly verbally expressing that "I love her / I miss her"...*all the things she likes and needs. *


Are you SURE?

I don't mean you aren't trying. It's great that you are (and your therapist is right). What I mean is, are you sure that the things you ARE doing are the things she actually WANTS?

If you read HNHN, you'll see that each person has a unique set of Emotional Needs. Some are typical, but no two people are the same. For instance, I am shame-based, and when my husband says 'you're beautiful,' my shame rears up and I feel BAD. Weird, huh? But it's important to know exactly in what ways your wife will get her needs met. I can't stand cards, candy, flowers, jewelry, or perfume. Yet for 30 years, it's all I ever got. I even ASKED for what would have made me feel loved - actually LISTENING to me and giving me what I asked for (garden tools, new vacuum, etc.). It wasn't until DD24 was about 20 and started bugging him to start listening, that he did, and I started getting bookcases or a vacuum or a barbecue...stuff that really mattered to me. And I feel more affection for him now than ever, now that he's actually listening.

Bottom line, find out in what ways she wants you to show love and affection.

But first, find out how you're Love Busting her, and eliminate those LBs. 

It's like a 'love bucket.' Every LB you do pokes a hole in that bucket. Makes her love you a little less. If you do a LOT of LBs, she dislikes you a lot - thus all the negative comments you've been getting. So if you've got this bucket full of holes, what happens when you try to show love for her, show affection, fill that bucket with love? There are so many holes in that bucket that you could be 'loving' her to death and she'll never be happy because she's so full of anger and resentment to ALLOW herself to be happy.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

ptomczyk11 said:


> A
> Some stupid examples:
> 
> 1 - I was trying to help her make dessert for 4th of July BBQ, and I wanted to put icing on a couple cupcakes the way I use to do when I was younger and immediately she didn't want me to touch any of the cupcakes and said she wants to do them her way and wants them all to be the same. My logic is we are going to a simple BBQ and it's not like you are making these cupcakes for the president of the United States; why can't I just put icing on 2 damn cupcakes.
> ...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Don't understand what's so hard about not doing some things that bother her. Why are you opening blinds when you know she wants privacy? Why are you turning the air up when you know she's hot?

Or should her concerns be secondary to yours? 

You can't pull a bunch of douche moves that send the message that what she thinks doesn't matter and you'll override her when you don't agree, then send her little gift baskets to make up for the fact that things do have to be your way. 

Then add that you then complain about how you can't do anything right, conveniently dodging the real issue which is that you want to be able to decide she's wrong and do what you want to do. 

Good luck finding someone who's ok with that. Nobody is going to want sex with someone that really doesn't care what they think.

So in your world one spouse should overrule the other, then make baskets for her and when that doesn't make up for the fact that he doesn't give a rat's arse what she thinks he should pout that he can't do anything right? Why can't he just have some consideration for her? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

ptomczyk11 said:


> Thanks for the replies!
> 
> Lately, it feels I can't say or do anything right...
> 
> ...


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The last piece of the puzzle is this. If your wife is expressing what is important to her, but doing it in a manner that is disrespectful to you, you have to separate WHAT she is commuicating from HOW she is communicating. You must pay attention to the "WHAT" but you need to defend yourself against the disrespectful "how".

Example: Husband, close that damn window! 
Wrong Response: Tell her she's a ***** and then open the window every chance you get.

Right response: Wife, do not speak to me like that. I will gladly discuss the window once you speak to me with respect.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lifeistooshort said:


> Don't understand what's so hard about not doing some things that bother her. Why are you opening blinds when you know she wants privacy? Why are you turning the air up when you know she's hot?
> 
> Or should her concerns be secondary to yours?
> 
> ...


Please print this out and reread it, every day. Maybe even read it to your wife and to your therapist. It's your marriage in a nutshell.

And it is precisely the Love Buster/Emotional Needs stuff I was talking about, more concisely. (psst...see how the LBs are far outweighing the EN-meeting?)


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"I can't stand cards, candy, *flowers*, jewelry, or perfume."

It took me years to get to the root of the 'flowers'. I finally asked my husband (after years of my stated preference falling on deaf ears) why he kept buying me the things when he knows I do not like cut flowers.
He stated that *he* liked cut flowers and he liked buying them.

I told him to keep buying them, if he liked; just as long as we were clear that they were not a gift for *me*. Yeah, don't buy yourself something and present it as a gift to me (twofer for him).

Now, cards & candy & jewelry & perfume - bring 'em on.


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## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

turnera said:


> Are you SURE?
> 
> I don't mean you aren't trying. It's great that you are (and your therapist is right). What I mean is, are you sure that the things you ARE doing are the things she actually WANTS?
> 
> ...


I'm with turnera here - my relationship is in a way different place and we were a total mess. One thing that kept cropping up was that my husband was and still is under the impression that he was always there for me and I was not for him. Yes, he cooked and cleaned and I appreciated that very much. But he was not present for me emotionally - he never asked me how I was. I didn't need I love yous, I needed him to be present in our lives. And he wasn't. 

If you haven't already, sounds like figuring out what her love language is could be really helpful.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Can you please explain why you open the blinds in that bedroom even though you know that your wife has told that she needs the privacy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Can you please explain why you open the blinds in that bedroom even though you know that your wife has told that she needs the privacy.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

OP, your repeated opening the blinds and opening the door to those boxes sounds like very passive aggressive behavior and if I were your wife, I'd view it as such.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

lucy999 said:


> OP, your repeated opening the blinds and opening the door to those boxes sounds like very passive aggressive behavior and if I were your wife, I'd view it as such.


MrsMarriedDude is very handy...i asked her about this thread..

Her suggestions:
Screw the door closed with Tek Screws
Cover the Window with plywood.

So OP, could be worse
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

lucy999 said:


> OP, your repeated opening the blinds and opening the door to those boxes sounds like very passive aggressive behavior and if I were your wife, I'd view it as such.


Yes, it does. If they are empty boxes why not get rid of them or move them to the garage/basement? If they aren't empty you should both unpack them or donate it already. I hate seeing clutter or living with it.


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## ptomczyk11 (Feb 9, 2015)

I know the examples I listed seem like I'm trying to "win" or that I'm "winning", it's not the case, there is a long list of things on top of this that make me feel like she doesn't respect me, is controlling, and her way is the right way. 

She marks her territory on the couch and tells me to move because it's her side of the couch, when I'm driving she has to comment and say why did you go this way, when we are at a restaurant and I feel like getting 2 appetizers and she says we don't need 2 appetizers we only need 1, I just can't handle the music on your iPod and she puts the radio on...where is the equality in the relationship? Am I just suppose to let her keep controlling every initial thought I have? So if she does something I have to just let her get her way, and when I want to do something that doesn't meet her needs I still just have to let her get her way as well?

I'm a very easy going person if she asks me to do something, I agree and do it. I just want that same level of respect when I want ask her something. I don't feel like she respects me or takes anything I say seriously; it's more about her being sarcastically right about everything...she has even said to me when are you going to realize that I'm right about everything! it pisses me off...i would never say that to her.

The other day she was feeling sad and I kept asking her what's wrong, how can I help, what do you need; she wouldn't say anything and she would just shrug her shoulders. So I stopped asking and was just there for her, gave her a back rub and caressed her hair for a while to make her feel better and it seemed like she just wanted to lay in bed/sleep and not talk; so after a bit I ended up leaving and going downstairs and it was the beginning of 4th of July weekend, it was my day off, so I put on some music and had a beer to relax. She ends up coming downstairs annoyed saying that I'm upstairs all depressed and you are down here having a party and getting drunk. She says I want you to stay with me and feel the same sadness I feel and just lay with me. I'm not a mind reader, I feel what I did was more than enough and to me it seemed like she just wanted to be left alone and because of this I get viewed as if I'm doing keg stands downstairs when I'm just trying to enjoy the day...it doesn't feel right. 

I open the blinds to check if the garbage/recycling has been picked up and it's just a routine I do when I wake up in the morning. We have 2 empty bedrooms so in the morning I just like to walk around while I shave...it's just a routine I have; I'm sure everyone has their own quirks that you do that are unique to the way you are. 

I don't even think twice about opening the door or the blinds and I don't do this to get her annoyed that's the farthest from my mind. When she closes the door/blinds, I don't go up to her and say why did you do that when you know I like the door/blinds open. It seems like everything I do is not the right way of how things should be done in the house, and there are other things it's just not this that I have to comply with.

I know some times I just have to let her have her way and not sweat the small stuff, but when I don't feel respected or when my way is not the right way I'm not just going to lay down and let her keep controlling the situation...it's not fair.

We were out to dinner the other day and there was a couple behind us and the guy was constantly talking about basketball with his date for a good hour, and she basically was just listening and asked a couple questions here and there. I told my wife that this guy has been talking about basketball for over an hour and she was like she is probably just flattering him because they haven't been together that long. 

And in the back of my mind, I'm like I wish you would still flatter me when I talk about "topics" like that which interest me instead of of having a full blown group text conversation with your friends over dinner.

I know her love language through therapy and it's affection/emotional needs; this is why I've been trying to make a conscious effort to meet those needs by doing all the cute loving things that I know she enjoys.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ptomczyk11 said:


> So if she does something I have to just let her get her way, and when I want to do something that doesn't meet her needs I still just have to let her get her way as well?


Of course not. You politely and calmly have your boundaries and consequences and if she crosses your boundary, you enact the consequence to protect yourself.



ptomczyk11 said:


> I don't feel like she respects me or takes anything I say seriously; it's more about her being sarcastically right about everything...she has even said to me when are you going to realize that I'm right about everything! it pisses me off...i would never say that to her.


Have you checked her phone to see if there's an unknown number she's contacting all the time?



ptomczyk11 said:


> I open the blinds to check if the garbage/recycling has been picked up and *it's just a routine I do*


Then add SHUTTING THE DOOR AND CLOSING THE BLINDS to your routine. Problem solved. You get what you need and she gets what she needs.



ptomczyk11 said:


> I know some times I just have to let her have her way and not sweat the small stuff, but when I don't feel respected or when my way is not the right way I'm not just going to lay down and let her keep controlling the situation...it's not fair.


And that's why you go to therapy - to work things like respect and control out.



ptomczyk11 said:


> I know her love language through therapy and it's affection/emotional needs


Please be specific. What does emotional needs mean? What specifically did she say she needed you to do? Backrubs? Flowers? Listening to her talk? Not putting your friends first? Mowing the lawn?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

ptomczyk11 said:


> I know the examples I listed seem like I'm trying to "win" or that I'm "winning", it's not the case, there is a long list of things on top of this that make me feel like she doesn't respect me, is controlling, and her way is the right way.
> 
> She marks her territory on the couch and tells me to move because it's her side of the couch(petty on both of your parts. However, my W and I have our own recliners. I can see where your W is coming from) when I'm driving she has to comment and say why did you go this way(normal for most I think), when we are at a restaurant and I feel like getting 2 appetizers and she says we don't need 2 appetizers we only need 1(advise that you left your mom at home. Order your 2 appetizers) , I just can't handle the music on your iPod and she puts the radio on...where is the equality in the relationship? (Both need to accept each others taste in music) Am I just suppose to let her keep controlling every initial thought I have? (No but be reasonable. Most of what is going on IMO is very petty) So if she does something I have to just let her get her way, and when I want to do something that doesn't meet her needs I still just have to let her get her way as well? NO, it is called being in agreement...enthusiastically! Learn to agree together. Compromise. Be an adult.
> 
> ...


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