# Why is he so mean all the time???!!!!



## onepotatotwo (May 17, 2011)

I came home last night and H was just nasty…meaner than 6 buckets of worms!
We’ve been having serious problems for a while to the point where I’m quietly planning my departure. But last Sunday, he finally ‘got it’ and realized I’m serious about calling it quits—so he started being nice again and wanting to work on our marriage. That’s what I wanted too, so I tried being nicer, more supportive, etc since Sunday. Well yesterday, he did a complete 180 on me.

As soon as I walked in the door he was miserable and an ass. He started telling me how depressed and *miserable* he is and he can’t go on like this anymore. I’m literally like, WTF? You try then you don’t, things are good then they’re not…Which is it????

So he’s all disgruntled about his job…The hours suck, the pay sucks (which I had already pointed out before he took the job and began donating time to the company everyday). His life is in shambles, blah blah blah… the whole schmele. So I’m just completely aghast that he’s suddenly so unbearable miserable again….But then I realized his kid’s sport tournament is this weekend, and he can’t attend because he’s working. I know he *lives* for his kids sporting event…I’ve been through that whole pouting, pissy phase with him before when he couldn’t go because of his previous job.
So I realize this tournament is a big deal to him, so as I told him before, just take the time off the job—so what if you’re new? So they fire you, so what? I was trying to take his side… But he was all angry then and was like, “And do what for money?!!!”
So I just said, “Whatever…” and walked away. But he kept trying to goad me into yet another fight similar to the ones we’ve had for the zillionth time over the last few years. Frankly I’m not up for it…I just wanted to say, “See fight number 479, article 17….and go fight with yourself”… You know, just go rehash an old fight in your head and leave me out of it…

So he was a complete and utter tool and I finally went to my room after dinner and said, enough… So I’m calling my person at the bank to see how soon I can get approved for a mortgage(another mortgage)… I found a house I want, but I didn’t go through the mortgage steps because I truly want my marriage to work—but I just am not up for spending my life at the whims of his personality… One day he’s happy, one day he’s sad, another day he’s angry….but no where in there is he honest with himself about what he feels or wants—Truly honest.

So while I am working with my banker to fund a house of my own, I’m just trying to figure out why is he like this??? Can’t he just sh*t or get off the pot??? Either be married and try to be happy or get a divorce???


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well if you are already planning on leaving him there is nothing more for you to worry about.

Only he knows the reason why he is the way he is.


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## SJMan1974 (Jul 9, 2011)

Perhaps he needs to go to counseling... alone, to figure out why he is not happy or is disgruntled. He seems like he needs to learn that he can't control everything and that there are times when you really can't attend your kid's activities, plus it helps to learn how to communicate. Really, in the case that you described, it happens to us all and we hate when work gets in the way of the fun stuff. 

As you know, my wife and I are in a similar boat, except originally it was me that had the stress problems (Stress and parenting). I went to counseling myself and worked through that. Now we are in counseling together to work on the communication and other things required in a successful marriage. 

One thing that you should be sure to do is to communicate to him your feelings and what you are planning to do if he does not shape up. If he responds angrily, then turn and walk away and let him know that you expect a civil discussion (I hope that he is not the violent type). Let him know that you are not willing to fight his moodiness and suggest some sort of counseling to him. Nobody can go though life being depressed, angry, unhappy etc...


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## SLRLeann (Jun 5, 2011)

Sounds like my marriage for the last 18 years. I've read they call it some "dance" like a rollar coaster round and round. The "nice" stages are what keeps us in the relationship. The "mean" stages keeps us wanting to get out. 
I've stepped off the rollar coaster but not out the door. I no longer trust this "nice" side because I know his "mean self" is waiting lurking ready to pop out at any given moment.

Course i'm in therapy and attending CoDA meetings now working on me and not us. 

I'm sure you keep a guard up when he's "nice guy" like I do? It's hard to open up fully when they're nice knowing they'll pull a knife at any second. 

I wish you luck and hope you come out happy whatever the ending may be.


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## onepotatotwo (May 17, 2011)

Yeah that's me too...I don't trust the nice phase. There's always the mean, nasty moody phase to follow. And like you, I'm tired of the dance. It's the same old thing over and over--and it's like he doesn't see it or get it. 
I just want to leave him...to be on my own and l*live* again... There's no other man or any thoughts about dating....I just want to feel *free* and be able to take a deep breath without this ginormous weight on my chest all the time.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

You sound a lot like my wife so I'll throw in 2 cents in case you find yourself wanting to get together with someone else. This mood swing in your husband might be a mirror of your own moods. A combination of low self-awareness and a strong need to get your way can make everything seem internally constant when in fact there is a great deal of variation within. Ask the fish "Mr fish, what's it like living in all that water?" and he replies "Water, what water?"


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## onepotatotwo (May 17, 2011)

Yeah..No...
I'm the most self-aware person I know...I go to therapy to work on my issues...I try hard to figure out why our marriage sucks...
I can see the change in him the moment it happens...He's fine one minute, and then he starts a fight...about anything--the dog, the weather, the food, what's in the fridge...anything... And I see it happening and try to diffuse it--ignore, not engage, and finally walking away...but that doesn't even work, so I leave the house often because I'm sick of the fights.


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