# How can I reduce my resentments?



## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

My husband has (I am 99% sure) undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder. Symptoms were mild and under the surface for the first 6 years we were together, but were, I am convinced, brought to the surface with the news that his son/my stepson was horribly sexually abused when he disclosed 5 years ago. It's been really rough....there's been a diagnosis of depression, and he takes his meds most of the time but doesn't really want to do more than the 6 counselling sessions he's had over the past 6 months (and it took years to get him to agree to that). 

Symptoms have included painting me black at times, treating my daughter from my first marriage like crap because as he admitted, he is jealous she isn't "damaged" like his son is from the abuse, rages, projecting his over the top emotions onto other people (mostly me), not caring about his physical health (not brushing teeth more than a few times a month at most, going days without showers, etc.), and having trouble regulating his own emotions, and so much more. This has been ongoing for years, and only a few months ago did I stumble onto what I believe is the real issue. He accepts that something isn't right, but alternates between self hate that he isn't "normal" and wanting me to fix it. I have worked very hard the past few months changing my own responses to his behavior that had become as unhealthy as his and put in hundreds of hours studying tools, lessons and the disorder. I am struggling with putting in all of this work while he makes little to no changes himself. The resentments are building and it's getting harder for me to want to put in the work I know I still need to do. Part of my own work on myself was a series of counseling sessions myself during which it became apparent that I have been taking on too much of his illness and our day to day responsibilities. In the process, I have stopped taking care of myself over the years, and I know I need to work on that more. So all of my resentments are building. I'd like some concrete ideas on ways I can do what I feel I need to do to keep working on our marriage (because I'm not ready yet to give up on the marriage) while reducing the resentments that are making that harder to do and take better care of my own needs that have been ignored for so long. 

Sorry this is so long. Thanks if you made it this far.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

If what you say is true then there's nothing you can do. BPD's are incurable. Most serial killers for example are BPD. Often misdiagnosed as sociopaths.


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## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> If what you say is true then there's nothing you can do. BPD's are incurable. Most serial killers for example are BPD. Often misdiagnosed as sociopaths.


 On one level, I know you're right. But...in my husband's case, he had very minor symptoms for the first 6 years we were together and it was triggered by the trauma of his son's disclosure and what it brought up for him...in his own childhood he was abused by his Dad (beaten to the point of hospitalization and social services involvement). I believe it was a huge trigger because he wasn't protected as a child, and now he was unable to protect his son from abuse either. 

I don't believe it's hopeless at all. He has some work to do, but I believe he can get back to being able to manage his emotions once he's able to work through this.


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## littlefroggie1 (Jan 25, 2011)

I have no advice but wanted to tell you that I feel for you. I think my husband has BPD also, but struggles with addiction to prescription painkillers too. I don't remember him ever showing symptoms early in dating/marriage but I went through a lot of the same thing, him projecting his negative emotions on me, showering once a week, etc. I tried to just keep reminding myself each day is a new day and to try to put the past behind me, but ultimately i wasn't able to forgive being held hostage in the relationship by constant threats of suicide, etc. I began to imagine him blowing his brains out while I was at work and I've come to associate him with the fight or flight reaction of me being petrified he was going to do it, and started to question my own sanity(my counselor brought up the probability of a personality disorder due to his complete lack of empathy and concern for me). Good luck to you, i hope you find a way to work it out, I'm still wrestling with the realization that the person I married probably never existed.


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## wondering5734 (Mar 6, 2011)

Hi Michelle, I was married to a BPD for 23 years. Never even knew exactly what it was. Just knew I became increasingly unhappy. I was a victim of lots of black paint, and she did the same for our kids, splitting them into 1 white and 1 black. I know what you mean by not taking care of yourself. This has to be your number one focus. I cant give you a lot of advice about what to do. But know that I'm thinking about you. Seems like the knowledge of the diagnosis would be helpful on a level to know that the bad stuff happening does not mean there's something wrong with you.

I got out of it in a cowardly way by falling in love with someone else. Biggest regret of my life that I didnt just end it first and then move on.

My children survived the breakup and survived their mother, and prospered. However, my ex still misbehaves and her white/black paint for them has now turned into black for both kids. We're all mystified about it.

My advice to you, now that you perhaps understand the source of the problem, is to work hard on it. Marriage is a valuable thing. As unhappy as we often become, we have to remember that there was once enough love and hope that we pledged our lives to each other. If there's any possibility to get back there, we should try. Of course, that doesn't apply if there is physical danger to ourselves or our children.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

My daughter is a diagnosed borderline. And she's classic. I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that you MUST take care of yourself. It's putting your "oxygen mask" on. Don't let guilt make you feel that you shouldn't. You MUST. Borderlines (depending on their level) are very difficult to deal with. 

If you haven't already, please check out BPDfamily.com. There are different forums for folks dealing with borderlines. There's a forum there for spouses of borderlines. 

Please read "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" by Gary and Joy Lundberg. I got my copy used on Amazon for $7.00..and that included shipping. 

Treatment for my daughter has consisted of Dialectal Behavioral Therapy, and meds (Lithium, to be exact). She doesn't go for therapy, and she doesn't take her meds regularly. It's a nightmare. 

Please seek out information and help for yourself. The book might help you relate to him on a daily basis, while he "works things out". Good luck, I wish you both the best.


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