# Attention *****



## angelfire (Jun 19, 2012)

I have been married for seven years and have been living in the USA with my husband for two years. I left my family, friends, and legal ability to work. I am young 26 and not to be narcissistic but most men I come in contact to find me very attractive. My husband recently revealed to me that he has never trusted me. I have been faithful to him through out our entire marriage. I feel this mistrust comes from my need to flirt and get attention from other men. It has never gotten past that. However, when I am at the bar with my girlfriends I love talking to other men.

My question is what can I do in my relationship to build trust and stop my need for this extra attention?


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

1. Stop looking for attention from men. Do you really need to be flattered to feel good about yourself?
Sounds like a deep rooted insecurity issue. 
2. Do you blame him for not trusting if you're seeking attention from males other than him?.
A man wants to feel like he's #1 and you only have eyes for him otherwise it affects his ego, and self esteem, and he begins resentment. 
3. Maybe focus on your relationship instead of going to the bars looking for attention from men, and your life would smooth out?

Just some observations.
All it takes is just one flirt session to go too far and your life as you knew it forever changed.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How old is your husband? And you can build trust by stopping the flirting with other men... As to why you need the extra attention, you may want to look at individual counseling as a starting point.

C


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

hoo boy


you need some boundaries


GNO's at bars for a married woman is detrimental to the marriage

flirting with men is detrimental to your marriage

seeking validation from other men who are not your husband is detrimental to the marriage


why are you even married if you wish to engage in such behavior?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Want to know how

*STOP GOING ON GIRLS NIGHT OUTS (GNOs)*

Why do you need attention from other men? You're married!!! Did you ONLY marry your husband to get a green card? Are you a mail order bride? WTF?

And dump the Toxic Friends (TF) who are encouraging you to go with them on GNOs to bars/clubs with them. Its easier to avoid temptation if you stay away from that kind of scene.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ropriate-boundaries-members-opposite-sex.html


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You may not believe you're doing anything disrespectful to your husband but I can guarantee you that if your husband was flirting with other women who found him attractive, you would not like it one bit. Perhaps until you get a taste of your own medicine you will then begin to understand.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

angelfire said:


> My husband recently revealed to me that he has never trusted me. I have been faithful to him through out our entire marriage. I feel this mistrust comes from *my need to flirt and get attention from other men*. It has never gotten past that. However,* when I am at the bar with my girlfriends I love talking to other men.*
> 
> My question is what can I do in my relationship to build trust and stop my need for this extra attention?


If he has never trusted you, then that is a horrible way to start a marriage.

But it doesn't seem like you do anything to help that out.

What to do:

Stop going to bars
Stop flirting with men
Find out why your self-esteem is so low that you feel you need validation from other men who aren't your husband
Do it. 

WHERE THERE IS A WILL, there is a way.

You already know what the problem is, so actually make a difference and stop.

Don't talk about it, be about it.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I cringe when I read a married woman who frequently attends GNO.

I get sick when I read that they go to a bar.

Marriage suicide. You have to stop cold turkey.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

We would have noticed your post without the "hey look at me" campaign.



angelfire said:


> Attention *****


and Men will notice you without the "hey look at me" campaigns. 

Just random thoughts....

Maybe... The attention you get from men validates you and makes you feel good about yourself and your value. You need constant reassurance of that value because that hole in your soul keeps sucking out your self esteem.

It's possible.... You should really consider talking to someone. Therapy could be helpful. Hate to use the cliche 'daddy issues' but there is something broken. Your a beautiful women, why can you only see that through attention from men?.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

angelfire said:


> I have been married for seven years and have been living in the USA with my husband for two years. I left my family, friends, and legal ability to work. I am young 26 and not to be narcissistic but most men I come in contact to find me very attractive. My husband recently revealed to me that he has never trusted me. I have been faithful to him through out our entire marriage. I feel this mistrust comes from my need to flirt and get attention from other men. It has never gotten past that. However, when I am at the bar with my girlfriends I love talking to other men.
> 
> My question is what can I do in my relationship to build trust and stop my need for this extra attention?


Stop flirting, maybe?

You see, what you view as flirting might look awfully like window shopping to other men, including your husband?

and this statement


> I am young 26 and not to be narcissistic but most men I come in contact to find me very attractive.


Why did we need to know that? Have you told your husband that? If so, why would HE need to know that?



> not to be narcissistic


 ummm really?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Hence the main other reason they cheat, not because of a lack of attention, but to stroke their ego. They already get validation from their husband, which isn't enough. *They crave it from other men*. If gives them an ego boost to know other men want them and desire them. Just like some other WW said: You're supposed to say that, you're my husband.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

angelfire said:


> I have been married for seven years and have been living in the USA with my husband for two years. I left my family, friends, and legal ability to work. I am young 26 and not to be narcissistic but most men I come in contact to find me very attractive. My husband recently revealed to me that he has never trusted me. I have been faithful to him through out our entire marriage. I feel this mistrust comes from my need to flirt and get attention from other men. It has never gotten past that. However, when I am at the bar with my girlfriends I love talking to other men.
> 
> My question is what can I do in my relationship to build trust and stop my need for this extra attention?


Are... are you serious? I mean, it's really obvious. Stop thinking about yourself. Stop trying to get what you need. Focus on what your husband needs. He will do the same for you. 

A marriage will never work if people are trying to be happy. It can only work if they're committed to making the other person happy.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Angelfire said:


> I feel this mistrust comes from *my need *to flirt and get attention from other men


You call it a "need", I call it a void. One that will never be filled no matter how many men you flirt with and one which will require more as time goes by until you actually start having affairs with men to prove your sexual attractiveness.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

This sounds like my W...she craves male attention...big-time daddy issues. She's flirty/attractive, so she gets it. One difference is, she doesn't do GNO. If she started, I'd tell her to pack her shyte and bring it in the car on her way out.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Angelfire, if you do not mind me asking, where are you from, originally?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Do you need constant validation? because that seems to be the case with many "attractive" women who ironically have very low self esteem.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

troll....


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Unless you learn how to reafirm and validate yourself from within you are simply not relationship material, no man is going to feel safe with you while you seek atention in low places. That simple.
It's also bothering how you totaly un-link self respefct with this behavior, even if your were single. And if you don't respect yourself you can respect others, exactly as you can't love anybody else without loving yourself first.
Start reading about boundaries in marriage. There are many books out there about his subject.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

one_strange_otter said:


> troll....


Agree. Frankhotdog and angelfire up in a tree... T.R.O.L.L.ing me...


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## angelfire (Jun 19, 2012)

Not a troll just for the record. Just thought I would post this question because it has been bothering me. I thought I would take the first step and examine this issue before it went too far. Sometimes one needs a good slap in the face from objective sources. Thank you all for your brutal honesty.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Try to increase the time you have as a couple going on dates. Look into more marriage friendly GNOs.


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## angelfire (Jun 19, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Angelfire, if you do not mind me asking, where are you from, originally?


From Canada not a mail order bride


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

You have gotten good advice. Seek some individual counseling This "need" for affirmation is a sign that things are broken.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

KanDo said:


> You have gotten good advice. Seek some individual counseling This "need" for affirmation is a sign that things are broken.


Quick question, and probably personal.
Were you subject to abuse / neglect / abandonment as a child?
I know it's blunt but this is oddly something I've seen before.
I suggest the same as everyone else. For your marriage's sake cease everything and get into some IC to sort out WHY you feel you need flattery.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

angelfire said:


> From Canada not a mail order bride


No, that's not what I was thinking! I was wondering if you came from a culture that was radically different from the American culture you are in now.

So, apart from having cute accents and loving ice hockey (and some different spelling) not that much different, then?

Incidentally, my little brother lives in Canada.


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

How would you feel if your husband sought out vallidation from other women? How would that work out for you?

If you need other guys' compliments to get by, perhaps you should have stayed single. Otherwise, the flirting should be restricted to only your husband WITHOUT EXCEPTION. If you can't manage that, well...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DaKarmaTrain! (May 17, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> No, that's not what I was thinking! I was wondering if you came from a culture that was radically different from the American culture you are in now.
> 
> So, apart from having cute accents and loving ice hockey (and some different spelling) not that much different, then?
> 
> Incidentally, my little brother lives in Canada.


Cute accents??? What are you talkin aboot???

At least we drink our beer cold


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

We are all human and as such most likely your actions will eventually escalate before you realize it.


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## angelfire (Jun 19, 2012)

Simon Phoenix said:


> How would you feel if your husband sought out vallidation from other women? How would that work out for you?
> 
> If you need other guys' compliments to get by, perhaps you should have stayed single. Otherwise, the flirting should be restricted to only your husband WITHOUT EXCEPTION. If you can't manage that, well...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well I can say without a doubt it wouldn't bother me very much because I am not a jealous person.

I understand what everyone here is saying. I guess I just miss the feelings of lust. Perhaps I am one of those types that should have stayed single. Sometimes, familiarity breeds contempt. 

However, I do want to be in this marriage. I will works towards meeting his needs vs worrying about what I am not getting. I do want to make it work hence why I have never cheated. I get the concept of playing with fire and I realize I must stop before I burn the house down.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Super attractive, geriatric man here. I stopped all Old Geezer Nights Out, as just too many grannies were hitting on me(don't hate me because I am beautiful).:banhim:


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## angelfire (Jun 19, 2012)

BigLiam said:


> Super attractive, geriatric man here. I stopped all Old Geezer Nights Out, as just too many grannies were hitting on me(don't hate me because I am beautiful).:banhim:


Your sarcasm is not appreciated.


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

angelfire said:


> I do want to make it work hence why I have never cheated. I get the concept of playing with fire and I realize I must stop before I burn the house down.


Yes, you are playing with fire. You will not always be the young 26 yr. old hottie you are right now. When your looks fade, how far do you think you'll go to get the attention you are seeking from these other men?


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

angelfire said:


> Your sarcasm is not appreciated.


Find a way to get a job. Pull your weight. 26, no kids, no job= entitlement.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> When your looks fade, how far do you think you'll go to get the attention you are seeking from these other men?


I can't emphasize more this. See? Get some counseling, learn about boundaires. The train is coming.
Have you ever heard about someone saying "this way I'll be an alcoholic very soon'' and doing nothing about it?


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

angelfire said:


> Well I can say without a doubt it wouldn't bother me very much because I am not a jealous person.
> 
> I understand what everyone here is saying. I guess I just miss the feelings of lust. Perhaps I am one of those types that should have stayed single. Sometimes, familiarity breeds contempt.
> 
> However, I do want to be in this marriage. I will works towards meeting his needs vs worrying about what I am not getting. I do want to make it work hence why I have never cheated. I get the concept of playing with fire and I realize I must stop before I burn the house down.


You do realize that the initial feelings of "being in love" are completely chemical and vanish from ANY relationship within the first year to two right?. That's the point where In love, and REAL love separate, eg the "Lust", and you can spend an entire lifetime chasing artificial feelings bouncing from relationship to relationship, and whilst you may feel "in love", you'll truly never know REAL love in doing so. 

Make no mistake NO RELATIONSHIP is any different. It's chemical. This is why you shouldn't put yourself into any of these positions AT ALL.

REAL LOVE is the most rewarding. That HOT guy paying you attention right now, will look like a chump in 1 to 2 years once the chemicals wear off... The grass is NO GREENER. In fact I bet your husband isn't just using you like 99.9% of guys would.

Do some homework, and the "stay single" thing is really no excuse. You have someone that loves you. Focus on that. You'll never honestly find someone who loves you as much as your husband. He valued you enough to marry you. That takes alot for a man. 

The ONLY person's opinion that should matter on what they think of you is your HUSBANDS

By the way my wife, and I are going through a MESS. We're fixing our lives now because she was alot like you. Hot as hell, always had guys trying to ***** the armor, and she made what she calls the biggest mistake of her life, by screwing up, and now in my life 8 years of everything I knew is gone.. She sits there more in love now than ever knowing how bad she messed up and almost lost her life, and I sit here a semi empty shell that can never view the world the same again, and knowing that alone, that I can never hold her high like that again REALLY takes a toll on her.

She had issues with things as a kid, / self esteem etc, and the validation is what got her here, and on her way to IC now in her mid 20's for things she should have dealt with all along. We're fixing things, but you can NEVER go back, and things will never be the same. Don't ruin what you have. You WILL regret it.


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## angelfire (Jun 19, 2012)

WorkOnIt said:


> You do realize that the initial feelings of "being in love" are completely chemical and vanish from ANY relationship within the first year to two right?. That's the point where In love, and REAL love separate, eg the "Lust", and you can spend an entire lifetime chasing artificial feelings bouncing from relationship to relationship, and whilst you may feel "in love", you'll truly never know REAL love in doing so.
> 
> Make no mistake NO RELATIONSHIP is any different. It's chemical. This is why you shouldn't put yourself into any of these positions AT ALL.
> 
> ...


Amazing advice! Thank you so much. That really hit home. Especially the part where you said you could never hold her that high again. Made me really think about what a bratty thing I have been. Thanks for not being a judgmental a-hole.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your playing with fire lady. 

You talk about wanting to stay married and for your marriage to work, yet you haven't mentioned one time if you love your husband, you adore him, or are crazy about him. The only adjectives you use to describe him as is jealous and untrusting.

If you want the freedom to be a party girl and parade yourself in front of men, then give your husband the consideration that I did not get from my wife, and divorce him and let him find someone who actually gives a damn about his feelings. 

Then you can be an attention junkie all you want.


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## ShuttleDIK (Oct 18, 2010)

Wait a minute. First let's congratulate angelfire for at least coming on here and posting that she thinks she has a problem.

She hasn't admitted to burning anything yet, just playing with fire. And she's looking for a way to stop.

So. Kudos. And I wish you tremendous success in addressing the problems in your life and relationship.

If you're looking for validation, attention and work to occupy your time, there are PLENTY of opportunities to perform volunteer work. Seniors need looking after. Children need mentors and assistance. Contact United Way in your area and get started. Doing something good will go a lot further towards building your esteem than doing something evil for a quick fix.

I agree with pretty much everyone's analyses, though. So take heed not to slip up. It seems simple now. But once you're through the looking glass, it's nothing but a world of shti.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Stop being a tease and a flirt.

If you're lacking something that you seek out in others, you should turn inward and wonder why you do what you do.

Your behaviour is disrespectful.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

OP,

Do you understand why you need attention from other males, once you are married?
What do you think, morals are in a marriage?

AU


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

angelfire said:


> From Canada not a mail order bride


Get a work permit.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

angelfire said:


> I feel this mistrust comes from my need to flirt and get attention from other men. It has never gotten past that. However, when I am at the bar with my girlfriends I love talking to other men.
> 
> My question is what can I do in my relationship to build trust and stop my need for this extra attention?


I'm sorry, but this seems obvious. How about you stop flirting with other guys? 

If you really need attention and validation, seek out a hobby for which you can get a sense of accomplishment from your actual efforts. You can feel proud about this and so can your h.

You might also want to seek out counseling so that you can learn some better ways to manage your self-esteem problem. Having your ego stroked by potential mates (whether or not you actually hook up with them) is not a good way to build self-esteem and it's also deeply disrespectful to your partner. Somewhere deep down, you surely must see that this is not a good idea or in any way helpful to your life. The validation of meaningless drunken patrons is cheap and short-lasting, but learning how to sustain your own self-esteem is more valuable to you in the long run.

This obviously hurts your husband deeply, so why would you choose to continue doing it? If you value him and your marriage, then you need to stop being so immature.


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