# Marital issues are always 50/50



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

This is another mantra this place spouts constantly that simply isn`t true.

It is more than possible that one spouse is cruising along living life being all they can be and their spouse cheats or leaves them anyway.

In my case I am the one who maintains this relationship, I am the one always making sure we`re both happy and healthy.

So if I discover a burner phone full of sexy texts tomorrow in my wife's car am I to believe that the problems in my marriage (Which I had no clue existed) were 50% my fault?

It`s a simple fact that you just can`t make some people happy.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Couldn't have said it better than you did.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

tacoma said:


> It`s a simple fact that you just can`t make some people happy.


I agree with you very much in what you say here ... I think many times one person has issues that near noone, no matter how good of a spouse they are , attentively, lovingly, affectionately , financially, even being the best of parents - would be able to stop the other from screwing up the marraige... many times people have mental issues that cause them to slip into bad behaviors even, addictions , unresoved trama from the past, plaguing insecurities , never taught healthy commuication skills, the list is endless. 

It is not always 50/50. I think many spouses give way more & still get left out in the cold and cheated on- just cause the other may have a lessor value system, less self control, selfishness, not being in tune with their own weaknesses, etc. 

Some of the best men & best women have been burned through no fault of thier own.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I think in a perfect marriage... marital issues would be 50/50.
But heck who is perfect and who has a perfect marriage?


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

Broken people, tend to find broken people.

That doesn't mean that everyone is broken evenly, just that most problems have more than one cause.


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## CWM0842 (Dec 8, 2011)

Agree totally. This idea is a PC cliche in a world where no one is fully accountable or completely in the wrong. Every situation must be qualified and explained away rather than calling the situation as it is. Applies to more than just marriage.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

tacoma said:


> This is another mantra this place spouts constantly that simply isn`t true.
> 
> It is more than possible that one spouse is cruising along living life being all they can be and their spouse cheats or leaves them anyway.
> 
> ...


I am coming around to thinking that although the blame for any one particular act may not be 50/50, it was the dynamic itself that was the problem most of the time.

If you found your wife's phone full of sexy texts, obviously that is a complete betrayal and completely her choice. That being said, why weren't the texts yours? Why didn't you know she needed that? If she could be comfortable with OM's texts and not yours, what resentments did she build up with you that broke her down enough to not accept your advances? Why couldn't you guys work out the resentments before she turned away from the marriage to meet needs?

Or, if she is just generally an awful person, what warning signs did she give you while dating that you overlooked that could have helped you see her flaw? What attracted you to this type of person? Why was she able to shield this dimension of her personality from you so easily?

I think the 50/50 thinking helps you to learn from things so the same mistakes aren't repeated.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I believe that my marital problems are 100% MINE. To give away 50% of the responsibility for MY happiness to my husband won't work for me. I am the one who has to take complete ownership of making sure MY needs are met in this marriage. 

This includes not being blind to what is going on around me. I may be happy but my husband isn't. And while it would be ideal if he immediately spoke up and said something I'm aware he won't. Therefore it's up to me to be sensitive to that 'nice guy' aspect of his personality or heaven forbid anything else he might be up to.

Having said this though I no longer believe I'm responsible for maintaining this relationship. When I want him to do something I ask for it. Again I take responsibility for that. Before I was the engine of the marriage but that was on me because I never specifically told him what I wanted. Now I do.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mistys dad said:


> Broken people, tend to find broken people.


They find each other like bees in a hive.

Until one truly reconciles with oneself, they are doomed to repeat the same mistakes in every single relationship they enter.

Think about it.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Acorn said:


> I am coming around to thinking that although the blame for any one particular act may not be 50/50, it was the dynamic itself that was the problem most of the time.


You may be right about "most of the time" but I`m unsure.



> That being said, why weren't the texts yours? Why didn't you know she needed that?


They would be if I was looking at her primary phone because I text her loving sexy stuff all the time.



> If she could be comfortable with OM's texts and not yours, what resentments did she build up with you that broke her down enough to not accept your advances? Why couldn't you guys work out the resentments before she turned away from the marriage to meet needs?


I wouldn`t know about any resentments she has towards me because she tells me she has none.
I do open discussions with her about these things often.
This is why I say I`m the one who maintains this marriage.
If there are resentments that would lead her to betray me I could do nothing about them because to me they don`t exist even though I`ve asked about it.



> Or, if she is just generally an awful person, what warning signs did she give you while dating that you overlooked that could have helped you see her flaw? What attracted you to this type of person? Why was she able to shield this dimension of her personality from you so easily?


I don`t believe you have to be an "awful person" to cheat.
I believe you merely have to be self centered, weak or non-commital.



> I think the 50/50 thinking helps you to learn from things so the same mistakes aren't repeated.


But that`s just it, there need be no mistakes made by the betrayed for their spouse to cheat.

I`ve been a cheater (Not in my marriage) and I`ve been cheated on.
I know most of the women/girls I cheated on did absolutely nothing to cause me to do so.
I was simply young, dumb, and....self centered.

None of these women could have possibly thought there might be a problem in the relationship because there usually wasn`t.
They couldn`t have possibly known this was my MO because I was very loving, attentive, and on the outset a very secure mate, I was never caught.

I just get bothered by some of the relationship dogma around here that I know is simply false.

It bothers me because it can cause a BS who has done nothing to begin blaming themselves for their WS infidelities which is simply unfair and often wrong.

Hell many of them here start searching for what they could have done wrong just "knowing" they drove their WS to it.

It`s wrong.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Mistys dad said:


> Broken people, tend to find broken people.
> 
> That doesn't mean that everyone is broken evenly, just that most problems have more than one cause.


I believe we are all "broken" to some extent.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

tacoma said:


> I believe we are all "broken" to some extent.


I agree with this.


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## Jen's Husband (Nov 26, 2011)

tacoma said:


> This is another mantra this place spouts constantly that simply isn`t true.
> 
> It is more than possible that one spouse is cruising along living life being all they can be and their spouse cheats or leaves them anyway.
> 
> ...


This is the part that gets to me given the problems in my own marriage. I really think that one partner can be the best spouse they can be and it doesn't necessarily matter. I think for husbands this is becoming a problem today because a lot of wives really expect the world from them, unlike the past. I've done my best to live up to the standard that my wife and our families set for me, but in the end it hasn't made a difference. Maybe the opposite in fact since I'm discovering that when I treat her poorly she likes it for some reason and I get rewarded. In response to the 50/50 claim I agree that this isn't the case, though I cling to the belief (and maybe I'm naive) that it's always maybe 70/30 or something (meaning each spouse has some culpability, even if that amounts to having been too giving or whatever).


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

tacoma said:


> It bothers me because it can cause a BS who has done nothing to begin blaming themselves for their WS infidelities which is simply unfair and often wrong.


If a spouse chooses to cheat, it's 100% on them. I don't think the BS should sit around blaming themselves for their spouses' weaknesses.

I do think the BS should spend some time evaluating how they got to that point. You don't ask those questions to blame yourself for her cheating. You ask them because you want to learn from the experience and be even better the next time. If she cheats, I would imagine she would either be sporting some serious red flags which you did not see, or gradually becoming more and more unhappy as the marriage went on without you realizing it. In either case, your eyes will be open next time.

Just my .02. My world opened up when I realized the happy marriage I thought I was maintaining was an illusion. In no small part driven by the fact that I prided myself on being the caretaker of the marriage. YMMV.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

The one theme I have witnessed over and over in my situation relates to the comment "It`s a simple fact that you just can`t make some people happy." 

Unhappy with me, the house, the furniture we just bought and just about every thing she wanted and agreed to buy, her teeth, her own boobs, her clothes, the neighbors, and on and on.

When pointing out that we can only make ourselves happy, this made her very unhappy.

The question is will she ever become content again as she once was?

All I know is that this past year has now made me very unhappy.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Acorn said:


> I do think the BS should spend some time evaluating how they got to that point. You don't ask those questions to blame yourself for her cheating. You ask them because you want to learn from the experience and be even better the next time.


I agree it`s a great time for personal introspection to see how you`re doing yourself as a person and within relationships.
I just don`t think it`s always because there was trouble in the marriage.



> If she cheats, I would imagine she would either be sporting some serious red flags which you did not see, or gradually becoming more and more unhappy as the marriage went on without you realizing it.


This is the part I`m trying to get to.
Often times the marriage is perfectly happy.
The BS is perfectly happy thinking everythings fine.
The WS is perfectly happy eating cake.

I`ve seen stats that state most infidelities never get discovered.
This rings true with my own experiences.




> Just my .02. My world opened up when I realized the happy marriage I thought I was maintaining was an illusion. In no small part driven by the fact that I prided myself on being the caretaker of the marriage. YMMV.


I am the caretaker of my marriage but I don`t pride myself on it.
In fact I hold some resentment because of it.

The truth is and the ultimate point I`m getting at is no one ever knows if their marriage is really a happy one or they`re just deluding themselves.
You can`t "really" know even if you do everything right.

:scratchhead:


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

This is me said:


> The one theme I have witnessed over and over in my situation relates to the comment "It`s a simple fact that you just can`t make some people happy."
> 
> Unhappy with me, the house, the furniture we just bought and just about every thing she wanted and agreed to buy, her teeth, her own boobs, her clothes, the neighbors, and on and on.
> 
> ...


It is really awful... the question here is, why do people become attracted to and maintain relationships with unhappy people?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Jen's Husband said:


> This is the part that gets to me given the problems in my own marriage. I really think that one partner can be the best spouse they can be and it doesn't necessarily matter. I think for husbands this is becoming a problem today because a lot of wives really expect the world from them, unlike the past. I've done my best to live up to the standard that my wife and our families set for me, but in the end it hasn't made a difference. Maybe the opposite in fact since I'm discovering that when I treat her poorly she likes it for some reason and I get rewarded. In response to the 50/50 claim I agree that this isn't the case, though I cling to the belief (and maybe I'm naive) that it's always maybe 70/30 or something (meaning each spouse has some culpability, even if that amounts to having been too giving or whatever).


I would argue that you are not being the best spouse for her. You may think you are, but you are not. Your "contribution" to this is trying to be be what your wife wants, rather than being a good spouse. 

In your case, giving her everything she demands is no different than feeding a child candy because they refuse to eat their vegatables. That is not being a spouse, that is being a servant or doormat.

While I am certainly no expert, I have seen very few posters coming here where everything was fine and their spouse cheated. There have almost always been signs or red flags or behaviors that could have provided a clue. There are certainly exceptions, but I suspect they are just that - exceptions. Just as it is foolish to say that all problems are 50/50, it is also foolish to say that one spouse (including a cheating spouse) always caused all the problems.


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## Jen's Husband (Nov 26, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I would argue that you are not being the best spouse for her. You may think you are, but you are not. Your "contribution" to this is trying to be be what your wife wants, rather than being a good spouse.
> 
> In your case, giving her everything she demands is no different than feeding a child candy because they refuse to eat their vegatables. That is not being a spouse, that is being a servant or doormat.
> 
> While I am certainly no expert, I have seen very few posters coming here where everything was fine and their spouse cheated. There have almost always been signs or red flags or behaviors that could have provided a clue. There are certainly exceptions, but I suspect they are just that - exceptions. Just as it is foolish to say that all problems are 50/50, it is also foolish to say that one spouse (including a cheating spouse) always caused all the problems.


I agree, which is why I think what I wrote and what you wrote in reply actually say the same thing.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> While I am certainly no expert, I have seen very few posters coming here where everything was fine and their spouse cheated. There have almost always been signs or red flags or behaviors that could have provided a clue. There are certainly exceptions, but I suspect they are just that - exceptions. Just as it is foolish to say that all problems are 50/50, it is also foolish to say that one spouse (including a cheating spouse) always caused all the problems.


Completely agree.
While I'm sure there are cases of good husbands/wives in strong and healthy marriages being cheated upon, I suspect that's a minority - probably small minority - of the cases of infidelity.

Cheating is the bloody cough of pneumonia. It's the most visible, obvious and arguably deadly sign of the illness, but it's not the illness. Infidelity is most often a symptom, not the sickness.
As you say, there are exceptions, but they're just that - exceptions.
That's my opinion, anyhow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

Hey, here's a novel concept, maybe the people you choose to marry was just not the one for you. Yes, initial attraction may cloud a lot of annoyances and other things about you, but the spouse might think they can overlook these things. then resentment builds because they just can't stand your a$$(whether it's your voice, or something about the very nature of your being that has worn on them), maybe its this whining thing that people do, the woe is me. You don't always get it right the first, or second time in some cases. Don't beat yourself up over it, it was a bad selection. What you need to now do is work on that picking mechanism and realize what you can improve about yourself to make a better choice the next time. 

Especiall for people that marry between 18 and 29, you will realize that you are still in a stage of growth and figuring out yourself and to bring someone into your life for a permanent situation may not be ideal, you may grow apart, may resent the person because you never experienced life as an independent person. And usually the people that do "work" from being married young, are usually those needy, have to always be in a relationship, types. But they won't admit that of course. But think about it.


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

FrankKissel said:


> Completely agree.
> While I'm sure there are cases of good husbands/wives in strong and healthy marriages being cheated upon, I suspect that's a minority - probably small minority - of the cases of infidelity.
> 
> Cheating is the bloody cough of pneumonia. It's the most visible, obvious and arguably deadly sign of the illness, but it's not the illness. Infidelity is most often a symptom, not the sickness.
> ...


Well f-ing said.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

mikeydread1982 said:


> Hey, here's a novel concept, maybe the people you choose to marry was just not the one for you.


I agree this applies to many couples who marry before they turn 30.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Acorn said:


> It is really awful... the question here is, why do people become attracted to and maintain relationships with unhappy people?


Thing was she wasn't always like this. That is why I believe it is a mid-life thing.

Question is will she ever shake it and walk out of the fog. For us it may be too late by then.


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## Wheels65 (Jul 17, 2011)

Marital issues are not ALWAYS 50/50...some of us were married or are married to addicts, bi polar people etc...its not me who puts the bottle to you mouth...its you


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

OP, it seems like you paid more attention to her words than her behaviors. I think we forget that we need to watch what people do more than listen to what they say. I'm sorry you had to be reminded of that in such a harsh way.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

sisters359 said:


> OP, it seems like you paid more attention to her words than her behaviors. I think we forget that we need to watch what people do more than listen to what they say. I'm sorry you had to be reminded of that in such a harsh way.


I`m sorry sisters you misunderstand me.

My wife hasn`t cheated, I was laying out a hypothetical situation in my OP.

Sorry.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

tacoma said:


> I`m sorry sisters you misunderstand me.
> 
> My wife hasn`t cheated, I was laying out a hypothetical situation in my OP.
> 
> Sorry.


It is still an important point. Some people don't even notice--b/c they aren't paying enough attention. Others notice and even ask, but rather than responding to behavior that is clearly indicating something is wrong, they accept assurances that everything is all right. It's important to recognize that an unhappy spouse is a threat to the marriage. We can lay all the blame on the unhappy spouse, or realize that it takes 2 to keep the marriage working and accepting assurances when the evidence of behavior says otherwise is, in fact, contributing to the marital breakdown--by passiveness, for lack of a better word. Why anyone does that is probably a matter of individual circumstances--ignorance (not in a pejorative sense), laziness, fear of rocking the boat, a tendency to take the path of least resistance, etc. But b/c a marriage affects 2 people, an unhappy individual weakens a marriage.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

sisters359 said:


> It is still an important point. Some people don't even notice--b/c they aren't paying enough attention. Others notice and even ask, but rather than responding to behavior that is clearly indicating something is wrong, they accept assurances that everything is all right. It's important to recognize that an unhappy spouse is a threat to the marriage. We can lay all the blame on the unhappy spouse, or realize that it takes 2 to keep the marriage working and accepting assurances when the evidence of behavior says otherwise is, in fact, contributing to the marital breakdown--by passiveness, for lack of a better word. Why anyone does that is probably a matter of individual circumstances--ignorance (not in a pejorative sense), laziness, fear of rocking the boat, a tendency to take the path of least resistance, etc. But b/c a marriage affects 2 people, an unhappy individual weakens a marriage.


Agreed, I doubt many people here have this problem any more though.


I know I myself trust no ones words completely depending upon whose speaking and what they`re speaking about.
Including my wife.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

This is me said:


> Thing was she wasn't always like this. That is why I believe it is a mid-life thing.
> 
> Question is will she ever shake it and walk out of the fog. For us it may be too late by then.


What was her childhood like?


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