# Power of rejection/acceptance



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I have always tried to answer honestly so that men might better understand a woman like me. Women are of course different but we have similar issues too. So I experienced something Thursday that has weighed on me and given me some insight into perhaps other women's issues that I have never quite experienced.

So Thursday my husband said something that was true and made me feel self conscious about my body. He in no way was trying to hurt me. You can ask but I most likely won't elaborate.

So then Thursday he tried to initiate sex. I was in no mood I was both hurt and self conscious about my body. Friday we normally have sex but I dodge which is easy cause he isn't a forceful initiator. Saturday morning is another normal and Saturday night too frequently. Again this morning an artful dodge which is easy and not a rejection. He normally gets up early and then comes back later and climbs back in bed. I simply got up while he was gone and went about the day.

I often initiate but I am also responsive desire if it's been a few days. So now I have no sexual desire and my thought lead back to being body conscious versus aroused. Arousal for me is frequently him touching me but in a body conscious state I don't want him touching me. I can clearly see the issue though mentally right now I'm having trouble moving past it. I am sure he has no idea a problem still exists beyond Thursday night. I did explain Thursday night why the change of desire. I could explain to him now and he'd assure me that he likes my body and all that but that doesn't stop the inner demons and negative thoughts.

I can easily see how if I wasn't like a member of TAM and more aware of these issues that this could fester and become a problem on both sides with no easy cure. My husband could easily come on here and say my wife stopped desiring me and I have no idea why. People could tell him oh maybe she insecure about her body and he's say I have no idea why that is I've always loved her and let her know. Of course 1/2 of them would tell him I don't love him or that I'm cheating or something. I assume as I try to set my mind right this will fix itself. 

But I'm amazed at how stable we've been for 28 years and how one small thing set me spinning. I can easily see if we had other problems between us how badly this could turn.

So we normally have sex 4-8 times a week with Fri-Sat knocking out 3-4 of those and so far. Thurs-Sat 0.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Yeah but your a smart relationship educated girl so I have no doubt you are going to put this right behind you and be on your A game in no time flat !!!


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Mr.Married said:


> Yeah but your a smart relationship educated girl so I have no doubt you are going to put this right behind you and be on your A game in no time flat !!!


One would hope. It will have nothing to do with smart relationship educated girl in the end. It will have to do with 28 years of proof on the other side.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

it does seem that mature women have an overriding fear that their bodies are no longer sexy.

it really is not true. I bet your body is still VERY sexy to your husband. 
Is it the body of a 20 year old? no. does he care?? Not at all. 

ESPECIALLY if you act sexy, and wear some sexy clothes and lingerie every once in a while. 
if you see him trying to grab you or touch you...that is only because he is HORNY for you! no other reason.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> One would hope. It will have nothing to do with smart relationship educated girl in the end. It will have to do with 28 years of proof on the other side.


That‘s kind of a tough situation and I’m left wondering how this could be resolved.
Communication of course but what sort of communication would ‘remove’ ‘repair’ ‘replace’ the insecurity about a body-thing?

I personally have had minor body-insecurities due to spousal comments in the past. But there has never been a resolution other than ‘rub some dirt on it” kind of approach (from me for me).

So yea… no real advice, I’m empathetic and will be curious about what comes of this situation for you.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Ah, this is exactly what my wife did to me our entire marriage: not telling me what was bothering her and let it fester. On the other hand, you are what you are and if you are unable to come to terms with your issues, then it's the start of a slippery slope. Body image issues are the worst, both for the wife and the husband, who doesn't understand how is it possible that his wife has problems with her beautiful body?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I'm not sure I get it?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> Ah, this is exactly what my wife did to me our entire marriage: not telling me what was bothering her and let it fester. On the other hand, you are what you are and if you are unable to come to terms with your issues, then it's the start of a slippery slope. Body image issues are the worst, both for the wife and the husband, who doesn't understand how is it possible that his wife has problems with her beautiful body?


So how do you tell someone that the thing they said which is true makes you feel self conscious? What does that change? Nothing!!

Prior to this I had unconditional acceptance. You can't go back and unring that bell.

Here's what really warps my mind I know and I agree with him but the timing the way... It killed an unbridled desire I've had for over ten years. When we first married I like most women I had body insecurities but they were mine and no way because of him.

ETA: I did tell him on Thursday to tell him everyday would be bashing him about a true comment. It would only make him feel bad. Still wouldn't make me secure in my body.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> I'm not sure I get it?


What don't you get. Insecurities that are the womans can effect her desire and the men they love can set them off without knowing. These insecurities can lead to sexual desire plummeting and rejection of the man without it being about the man.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Intellectually you know what he said was true and he wasn’t trying to hurt you.

Since he still wants to have sex with you, he wants you and you already know this.

Slamming on the brakes is interesting to me. I think if you started having sex with him again you’d probably immediately feel better about it but maybe not?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> it does seem that mature women have an overriding fear that their bodies are no longer sexy.
> 
> it really is not true. I bet your body is still VERY sexy to your husband.
> Is it the body of a 20 year old? no. does he care?? Not at all.
> ...


So I'm supposed to act sexy when I feel like a troll. And just because you missed the point.... The point isn't he isn't horny for me its that I"m no longer horny for him.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ccpowerslave said:


> Intellectually you know what he said was true and he wasn’t trying to hurt you.
> 
> Since he still wants to have sex with you, he wants you and you already know this.
> 
> Slamming on the brakes is interesting to me. I think if you started having sex with him again you’d probably immediately feel better about it but maybe not?


See you'd think that. And it will in the end probably be what I try. But I don't think most men have that ongoing internal chain of thoughts going on. Many women I know and Particularly me I have 20-40 trains of thoughts going on at one time. It's taken me a long time to turn those off for sex and just enjoy. But now there is that internal voice conscious about my body and such. Saying negative things. Making me feel about a sexy as a pile of ****.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Anastasia6 said:


> So how do you tell someone that the thing they said which is true makes you feel self conscious? What does that change? Nothing!!
> 
> Prior to this I had unconditional acceptance. You can go back and unring that bell.
> 
> Here's what really warps my mind I know and I agree with him but the timing the way... It killed an unbridled desire I've had for over ten years. When we first married I like most women I had body insecurities but they were mine and no way because of him.


No, it changes nothing, but at least he won't say it again... 

Jokes apart, I do agree with you. I never ever criticised any part of my wife's body. It wasn't my place to do it. She is not perfect and her body wasn't perfect even when we were 22 but I was smart enough not say anything. It serves no purpose. Actually, the only purpose it serves is to destroy relationships. I'm sorry this is happening to you.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Anastasia6 said:


> So how do you tell someone that the thing they said which is true makes you feel self conscious? What does that change? Nothing!!
> 
> Prior to this I had unconditional acceptance. You can't go back and unring that bell.
> 
> ...


This is exactly what you tell him. Given what you have posted about your husband in the past, I have little doubt he will find a solid way to reassure you. 

The only risk in this scenario is to allow it to fester.

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> No, it changes nothing, but at least he won't say it again...
> 
> Jokes apart, I do agree with you. I never ever criticised any part of my wife's body. It wasn't my place to do it. She is not perfect and her body wasn't perfect even when we were 22 but I was smart enough not say anything. It serves no purpose. Actually, the only purpose it serves is to destroy relationships.I'm sorry this is happening to you.


Thanks. I don't think he'll say it again. I don't hold it against him at all. This has effected my internal confidence not my love of him.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> This is exactly what you tell him. Given what you have posted about your husband in the past, I have little doubt he will find a solid way to reassure you.
> 
> The only risk in this scenario is to allow it to fester.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


You are right in that he'd assure me that he still finds me attractive and all that. That is my point. It isn't about him. It's about something internally that broke. I now feel gross I now hate myself how can I feel sexy when I don't like myself? I love him I know he loves me but sexually right now I"m dead. I feel that will change over time but who knows?


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Time for some honest communication. Not just telling him what he did to make you feel hurt, but really talk it out.

My wife and I had a discussion when I asked what she thought about living with my having prostate cancer. It was amazing what we did not know or understand about each other's feelings and world view after 43 years together. Some of it gave me regrets for my ignorance, but her not being aware of my ignorance was the other side of the coin.

It's amazing and sometimes disheartening how many poor assumptions we go on in our relationships.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Anastasia6 said:


> You are right in that he'd assure me that he still finds me attractive and all that. That is my point. It isn't about him. It's about something internally that broke. I now feel gross I now hate myself how can I feel sexy when I don't like myself? I love him I know he loves me but sexually right now I"m dead. I feel that will change over time but who knows?


Is isn't always about reassuring.

Sometimes it is about your life partner, the one who truly understands you, sharing your burden with you...helping you carry this hurt until you are ready to set it down.

Let him help you.

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Julie's Husband said:


> Time for some honest communication. Not just telling him what he did to make you feel hurt, but really talk it out.
> 
> My wife and I had a discussion when I asked what she thought about living with my having prostate cancer. It was amazing what we did not know or understand about each other's feelings and world view after 43 years together. Some of it gave me regrets for my ignorance, but her not being aware of my ignorance was the other side of the coin.
> 
> It's amazing and sometimes disheartening how many poor assumptions we go on in our relationships.


Thanks for the thought.

We communicate pretty well usually and Thursday when he said it I did let him know it hurt me. So I don't feel we are in the same boat.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Anastasia6 said:


> What don't you get. Insecurities that are the womans can effect her desire and the men they love can set them off without knowing. These insecurities can lead to sexual desire plummeting and rejection of the man without it being about the man.


Ok. I believe it's your particular dynamic then.

There could be others with similar dynamics.

Mrs. C has body insecurities just like anyone but she had to be more robust/sturdy to "wife" me and get me to "husband" her.

Your dynamic with your husband works because of how both of you are together.

Mrs. C could not operate the way you do (I'm not saying she is better) because I don't function like your husband.

I do get what you are saying now however and I definitely agree with you.

There are many times that there have been sexless or sex starved threads where I was convinced it wasn't the starved spouses fault at all for the behavior of their apparently frigid partners.

I do feel sympathy for you both that something seemingly so simple could be overwhelming enough to get in the way of something beautiful and healthy.

Do you believe this is a short term setback?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> Is isn't always about reassuring.
> 
> Sometimes it is about your life partner, the one who truly understands you, sharing your burden with you...helping you carry this hurt until you are ready to set it down.
> 
> ...


Do you know how bad he would feel? How guilty he would feel?

This is something broken in me that he didn't really do. I have claimed lots of thing on this forum but never that I was a emotionally healthy human. I can identify the moment it happened. I can identify the outcome of it happening. I can't identify how to fix it yet. I also know that it isn't his fault but he'd take it that way. He would be crushed.

I won't put my mental issues on him.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> So I'm supposed to act sexy when I feel like a troll. And just because you missed the point.... The point isn't he isn't horny for me its that I"m no longer horny for him.


you are not horny for him because you had a body image problem, and one small comment of his drove you over the edge for some reason. that is what i read from your post.
was i wrong?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> Ok. I believe it's your particular dynamic then.
> 
> There could be others with similar dynamics.
> 
> ...


Yes I do think it is short term because why would I let it be long term? However emotions are funny things in that you can't always control them yes?

I know you are saying you don't function like my husband and that is true. But he hasn't actually initiated. IF he full on initiated I'd allow. But I"m not normally into just allowing I want to be rocking.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> you are not horny for him because you had a body image problem, and one small comment of his drove you over the edge for some reason. that is what i read from your post.
> was i wrong?


Yes except til this I didn't have body issues in the bedroom. It's like going from rich to poor. Yes it was a small comment from him that fed into my own internal negative feedback system.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> I assume as I try to set my mind right this will fix itself.


Since you already know this I think you’ll be good.



Anastasia6 said:


> See you'd think that. And it will in the end probably be what I try. But I don't think most men have that ongoing internal chain of thoughts going on. Many women I know and Particularly me I have 20-40 trains of thoughts going on at one time. It's taken me a long time to turn those off for sex and just enjoy. But now there is that internal voice conscious about my body and such. Saying negative things. Making me feel about a sexy as a pile of ****.


I know I am very different than my wife. I can concentrate on one thing and block everything else out to the point where I start losing external senses like hearing and such. So yes, I’d say the number of things I am thinking about at any given point are maybe 1-3 things tops.

Sometimes she will share that she’s thinking about something bothering her that is a minor tiny thing that has no influence in her life and is really trivial.

When I ask I learn she actually has 10+ of these threads running all the time. It’s almost like her brain has her Facebook feed running in it all the time.

Her job runs in her brain all the time.

Appointments and other things run through her thoughts all the time.

I mainly think about what I need to do today and in the next couple hours and other stuff is backgrounded.

So I get that in order for her to fixate on one thing like sex for 45 minutes requires something from her because all that other junk that is running all the time needs to get backgrounded or turned off. 

It’s easy for me to imagine how a thought like, “He says that and how he wants to have sex with me!” would be intrusive.

For my wife her blocking thoughts these days are usually work related. What I do is I give her space and don’t push at all. I trust that she will deal with what she needs to deal with and then she comes back.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

You need to reframe your thinking on this, quickly, before it becomes all-consuming. You don’t want to look back on the day and realizing yeah, that’s when it ended, for no good reason. But it doesn’t sound like you can do that. For some reason you want to hold onto this, make it special” in a way, by discussing it cryptically in an anonymous forum.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Anastasia6 said:


> This has effected my internal confidence not my love of him.


Understandable. But it can have serious consequences, so try and focus on the issue and what it could really destroy on the long term. Is it worth it?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Casual Observer said:


> You need to reframe your thinking on this, quickly, before it becomes all-consuming. You don’t want to look back on the day and realizing yeah, that’s when it ended, for no good reason. But it doesn’t sound like you can do that. For some reason you want to hold onto this, make it special” in a way, by discussing it cryptically in an anonymous forum.


Actually I wanted to contribute to the forum. I know many marriages suffer from sexual issues. I am discussing it cryptically because the actual words wouldn't help anyone. Men will say things and women will get triggered. My trigger words may not be the same as someone else.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Anastasia6 said:


> Do you know how bad he would feel? How guilty he would feel?
> 
> This is something broken in me that he didn't really do. I have claimed lots of thing on this forum but never that I was a emotionally healthy human. I can identify the moment it happened. I can identify the outcome of it happening. I can't identify how to fix it yet. I also know that it isn't his fault but he'd take it that way. He would be crushed.
> 
> I won't put my mental issues on him.


Which is exactly what you tell him...that you know he didn't intentionally cause it, and that it is something internally with you.

If he feels that way, it is up to him. Just as your feelings in this aren't rational, his may not be, either. 

He is your husband...your partner... He signed up for better or for worse with you for a reason. 

I know you and I have been at odds in the past over relationship dynamics, but you need to hear this.

Yes, it may hurt him...initially. But hurt is not always a bad thing in the long run. So much of what my wife and I have experienced hurt us tremendously. You know what? It resulted in our relationship becoming even stronger. Iron sharpens iron. 

Share your burden with him. Not doing so will reduce your intimacy, and may have a snowballing effect should he misread the situation due to a lack of communication. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I don't think men get the body image thing.

I've been working on fitness. Ran 7.2 miles today. Longest run in the past 40 years. I'm hoping to run 13.1 in three weeks. I run 5 days a week, and get up at 4 am to do so a few times a week.

I've slimmed down some. Not ideal yet. Dh appreciates the effort. He's complimentary. I know my flaws. I see them. If he said "oh, you're belly's big" or "oh, butt's a bit jiggly", what benefit would there be? I know that. That's why I work out an hour plus 5 days a week. I'm on it. Working on it.

Telling a woman their body has slight flaws or is "off "in some minor way isn't really helpful. 

Unless the man is a model, physical specimen, etc. stow the minute comments. Now if it's a 20 pound weight gain, etc, have that conversation elsewhere. Not in the bedroom.

Telling a woman "you're hot, but you've got a minor bulge xyz" kills the mood quickly. Does it need to be said ? Can't some (non deal breakers ) be kept in the guys thoughts?


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Anastasia6 said:


> However emotions are funny things in that you can't always control them yes?


Yes. I spent most of 2020 in menopause (manopause?) and the emotions were the worst of it. I am still dealing with them. Emotions are irrational. I am rational so they are really difficult to deal with.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

snowbum said:


> I don't think men get the body image thing.
> 
> I've been working on fitness. Ran 7.2 miles today. Longest run in the past 40 years. I'm hoping to run 13.1 in three weeks. I run 5 days a week, and get up at 4 am to do so a few times a week.
> 
> ...


Jiggly I might can handle. I currently have an infection. So I'm gross.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

snowbum said:


> Unless the man is a model, physical specimen, etc. stow the minute comments.


It’s worth stowing anyway.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Anastasia6 said:


> Actually I wanted to contribute to the forum. I know many marriages suffer from sexual issues. I am discussing it cryptically because the actual words wouldn't help anyone. Men will say things and women will get triggered. My trigger words may not be the same as someone else.


The actual words might help you. As you say, trigger words will differ, but perhaps you'll see how others reacted and recovered from their own triggers. But overly vague references will generate overly vague responses. Which you, as a frequent TAM contributor, realize. That's why it feels like you're having a battle within yourself, whether to keep this internalized or put it out into the open. To me, that feels like you're giving those words, that action, more power than it deserves.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

snowbum said:


> I don't think men get the body image thing.


I think many men do and those that don’t are the outliers. And I would add that many women would be shocked that most men find normal women with flaws attractive. A man’s biggest enemy is his wife’s inner critic. She is constantly comparing herself to other women and is angry… then she blameshifts it to her husband.

For a guy, complaining about a woman’s tummy pooch is no different than her complaining about the lifestyle he is providing. My wife would feel extremely hurt if pointed out her flaws (which don’t really bother me) but has ZERO problem complaining about not getting the lifestyle and standard of living she doesn’t have yet thinks she’s entitled to yet could never earn on her own.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

aaarghdub said:


> I think many men do and those that don’t are the outliers. And I would add that many women would be shocked that most men find normal women with flaws attractive. A man’s biggest enemy is his wife’s inner critic. She is constantly comparing herself to other women and is angry… then she blameshifts it to her husband.
> 
> For a guy, complaining about a woman’s tummy pooch is no different than her complaining about the lifestyle he is providing. My wife would feel extremely hurt if pointed out her flaws (which don’t really bother me) but has ZERO problem complaining about not getting the lifestyle and standard of living she doesn’t have yet thinks she’s entitled to yet could never earn on her own.
> 
> ...


Well my husband doesn't complain about my tummy pooch and I don't complain about our lifestyle. This sounds petty on both parts. Plus our lifestyle is a mutual choice for which I am partially responsible. We don't make unilateral decisions on money or jobs.

I agree that a man's biggest enemy can be her inner critic. I do not compare myself to other women and blame my husband though.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> sexually right now I"m dead. I feel that will change over time but who knows?


So your husband of 28 years minor comment has had major consequences, perhaps with life changing results. 

So since there is nothing he can do to fix it, would professional counseling for yourself help?

Btw, both genders can suffer from body insecurity, though most males wouldnt admit it. A wife can cause major issues with one comment.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I'm really curious about what he said. I need some examples to have a better perspective. 

I don't get offended easily, so I really don't understand.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Rus47 said:


> So your husband of 28 years minor comment has had major consequences, perhaps with life changing results.
> 
> So since there is nothing he can do to fix it, would professional counseling for yourself help?
> 
> Btw, both genders can suffer from body insecurity, though most males wouldnt admit it. A wife can cause major issues with one comment.


Well I hope not life changing. Yes if I could find a good counselor I'd go. My little experience with counselors hasn't been fruitful but expensive. I've tamed my internal beast before ironically with the help of my husband so I'm sure I can tame it again.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

pastasauce79 said:


> I'm really curious about what he said. I need some examples to have a better perspective.
> 
> I don't get offended easily, so I really don't understand.


It isn't a matter of being offended. It's a matter of unleashing an internal negative monolog.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

snowbum said:


> I don't think men get the body image thing.


As to how women react, possibly not. HOWEVER, I am in contact with plenty of men who are very much aware of their own body image issues. Hormone treatment gave me a belly that I wouldn't want to show in public. Not to mention the crepe skin and scrawny arse.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I have an idea of what was said and I get it....that would make most of us self conscious.

Can I ask on what context it was said? Was it actually in the bedroom when you were close?

It was uncalled for and I think you should kindly let him know that it was not a very nice thing to say. If it's what I'm thinking my kids father said something in the same genre to me and I never forgot it.

But he was a douchebag and our relationship wasn't very good...you have a lot better marriage to work with.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> I have an idea of what was said and I get it....that would make most of us self conscious.
> 
> Can I ask on what context it was said? Was it actually in the bedroom when you were close?
> 
> ...


Well we were actually in the middle of foreplay and as it was said he pushed off.


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## Dillinger (12 mo ago)

I just wanted to add some encouragement.
If I am hearing you right, you felt like you have some clarity around an issue, and you're right in the middle of it, and so you came on here to talk about it, at least in part to add to the cannon for others to see.
My guess is that you'll come through this just fine, having learned something through your self-awareness and through the exercise of putting it out here. 
There sure isn't anything more difficult than relationships.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

snowbum said:


> I don't think men get the body image thing.
> 
> I've been working on fitness. Ran 7.2 miles today. Longest run in the past 40 years. I'm hoping to run 13.1 in three weeks. I run 5 days a week, and get up at 4 am to do so a few times a week.
> 
> ...


Who talks like this?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Anastasia6 said:


> Well we were actually in the middle of foreplay and as it was said he pushed off.


Not cool.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Anastasia6 ,

For the sake of others’ understanding, I’m going to suggest an example. Let’s say the wife has a yeast infection. Hubby still lives and desires her and there are ways to be sexual while the yeast infection winds down. But in the midst of starting things up, he makes an observation type comment. There’s no intent to be hurtful or shame or harm, but the wife hears the observation and feels gross…like “when people look at me they feel 🤮”

That’s not a normal “body image” insecurity. That’s not a tummy or a sag that ya can’t really change and learn to accept. It’s more like BEFORE Hubby spoke she felt like she had her groove…and now she’s got this bell ringing in her head over and over that the yeast infection is gross. That kinda leads into “I am gross”. And that leads to just not feeling sexy.

@Anastasia6 , here’s my thought. If I were in your shoes, I think I’d talk to Hubby and share with him what’s going on in your head. The idea is not for him to FIX IT, but Tatar’s your partner to better understand you and what you’re thinking and feeling. I’m sure part of your head knows it isn’t true. You aren’t gross. But like you said, the bell is ringing in your head. So ya don’t feel confident and a lot of sexiness is confidence. You rebuild your confidence by doing a little and having it go well. If Hubby knows what’s going on and why, he can participate in helping you regain your confidence! If he doesn’t know, he might fumble about and assume something is wrong with him (cuz that’s human nature).


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Yep told him right away. I didn't keep it a secret that it hurt and set off internal negative thoughts.

People seems to keep skipping over that. I don't see much use in continuing to tell him. He can't unring the bell.
Since everyone is so hung up on the exact circumstance. I have an infection, but it is in my thigh crack not vagina. It smelled gross. I freely admit that. We were in the middle of foreplay. He said that's kind of gross and pushed off to his side of the bed. I agreed. I took a shower. He tried to join me as usual and I let him be there but didn't do the normal activites. We went back to bed he's all ready to get back to it. I let him know that I in no way felt sexy anymore and that the comment had unleashed negative thoughts. 

The infection probably wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been sitting and working and fixing his mom's financials and medical and my job so sitting for like 16 hours a day for the last week or 2 . It probably wouldn't have happened if I wasn't overweight. The infection will heal but I'll still be overweight. I still worry if there is a smell. It's hard to explain the negative thought cycle. I'll wonder does he want sex with me or am I just the only option since he's married to me. I'll wonder does the weight that never bothered him before actually bother him. I wonder if there is a smell that I can't smell but he can when he goes down on me. I beat myself up for having lunch. For not exercising today.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I do understand that you told him “in the moment” and that speaks to the closeness you two have. Again, I’m suggesting that you share you head and heart with him. The idea is so that he’s informed. You’re not wanting him to fix it, but by his actions and your own words, he cares about you. He’ll want to know about this and as you rebuild your confidence, he’ll know what’s going on and why. 

Transparencywith another human being can be scary and it can be painful, but how many times have we heard people say, “I could have taken it if they had only told me the truth!”


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Anastasia6 said:


> Yep told him right away. I didn't keep it a secret that it hurt and set off internal negative thoughts.
> 
> People seems to keep skipping over that. I don't see much use in continuing to tell him. He can't unring the bell.
> Since everyone is so hung up on the exact circumstance. I have an infection, but it is in my thigh crack not vagina. It smelled gross. I freely admit that. We were in the middle of foreplay. He said that's kind of gross and pushed off to his side of the bed. I agreed. I took a shower. He tried to join me as usual and I let him be there but didn't do the normal activites. We went back to bed he's all ready to get back to it. I let him know that I in no way felt sexy anymore and that the comment had unleashed negative thoughts.
> ...


I get it. I know full well, had sisters and mostly female cousins who I am close with, just how sensitive a topic this is.

Knowing what I do, I would have chosen differently than your husband even though I'm not bagging on either of you.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Ugh...I'm sorry. I think you're putting too much responsibility for this on yourself....I can understand that it may have smelled bad but there's a loving way to address it and a ****ty way to address it.

He chose the ****ty way.

I think you should have another conversation and tell him that. You understand it smelled bad but he chose the ****ty way to address it and nothing only did it hurt your feelings it's now made you feel self conscious and unsafe with him. Let him address that.

I get that he knows but I sense you've not really shared the magnitude of it with him. You should.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

@Anastasia6, this is OT, but please have the Cellulitis treated by a medical doctor ASAP. Your husband should have insisted on this when he noticed. My wife is prone to hiding medical issues too. Cellulitis can become life threatening if the bacteria gets rolling. I have had several acquaintances who are no longer on this planet because of this infection.

apologies t/j


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Yep told him right away. I didn't keep it a secret that it hurt and set off internal negative thoughts.
> 
> People seems to keep skipping over that. I don't see much use in continuing to tell him. He can't unring the bell.
> Since everyone is so hung up on the exact circumstance. I have an infection, but it is in my thigh crack not vagina. It smelled gross. I freely admit that. We were in the middle of foreplay. He said that's kind of gross and pushed off to his side of the bed. I agreed. I took a shower. He tried to join me as usual and I let him be there but didn't do the normal activites. We went back to bed he's all ready to get back to it. I let him know that I in no way felt sexy anymore and that the comment had unleashed negative thoughts.
> ...


Sorry that happened....Yes...Some of this stuff can wreck a persons confidence and self esteem...The sex part is only one element...

It would be a good topic for a thread....The issue of "brutal honesty"...As @Affaircare stated...People want the truth, but then when it breaks them apart, maybe they wished they hadn't heard it...I have been guilty of it in the past, especially with women...Most men are trained to never offer any critique of any kind, so they bottle it up and resentment builds, or it results in behavior(be it avoidance or whatever), that the other person may not fully understand.. Its tough...


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

hamadryad said:


> Sorry that happened....Yes...Some of this stuff can wreck a persons confidence and self esteem...The sex part is only one element...
> 
> It would be a good topic for a thread....The issue of "brutal honesty"...As @Affaircare stated...People want the truth, but then when it breaks them apart, maybe they wished they hadn't heard it...I have been guilty of it in the past, especially with women...Most men are trained to never offer any critique of any kind, so they bottle it up and resentment builds, or it results in behavior(be it avoidance or whatever), that the other person may not fully understand.. Its tough...


oh trust me @hamadryad you've been in my head since Thursday night.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> Yep told him right away. I didn't keep it a secret that it hurt and set off internal negative thoughts.
> 
> People seems to keep skipping over that. I don't see much use in continuing to tell him. He can't unring the bell.
> Since everyone is so hung up on the exact circumstance. I have an infection, but it is in my thigh crack not vagina. It smelled gross. I freely admit that. We were in the middle of foreplay. He said that's kind of gross and pushed off to his side of the bed. I agreed. I took a shower. He tried to join me as usual and I let him be there but didn't do the normal activites. We went back to bed he's all ready to get back to it. I let him know that I in no way felt sexy anymore and that the comment had unleashed negative thoughts.
> ...


I totally get where you're coming from and why these thoughts would be swirling around in your head. I'd be the exact same way if my wife happen to say (and do) something like this.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

So I've been thinking about honesty because we are very honest in our relationship.

People keep saying tell him....
Well he didn't ask. If he asked the right question I would tell him.
Him being honest in that moment was hurtful and unleashed this current mental issue for me. It would have been much kinder to say hey let's take a shower and freshen up a bit. as I think most would agree....

So why would I go out of my way to hurt him. I never want him to withhold honest thoughts from me. I don't want him walking on eggshells around me. I want him to be able to tell me anything.

This issue is with me. I am overweight. I have an infection as a result. The infection smells and I hadn't taken a shower before coming to bed (didn't know we were going to have sex). I smelled because I'm fat. That isn't his problem.

Yes I took a shower. Yes it will spurn me to redouble my efforts to lose weight. Yes I will be more diligent about drying the area and applying medicine.

I love my husband and I'll continue to love my husband. I just don't currently feel sexy.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> I want him to be able to tell me anything.


And he still can, just in a better or more gentle way. You wouldn't be telling him to lie or keep his thoughts to himself. You would be telling him that way of communicating didn't work for you or the marriage really. It could be as simple as "I know I have this issue and I was hurt when you said/did ..., I think I would have felt better if instead you suggested a shower to freshen up". It's just improving communication, which won't happen if you don't talk about it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> I have always tried to answer honestly so that men might better understand a woman like me. Women are of course different but we have similar issues too. So I experienced something Thursday that has weighed on me and given me some insight into perhaps other women's issues that I have never quite experienced.
> 
> So Thursday my husband said something that was true and made me feel self conscious about my body. He in no way was trying to hurt me. You can ask but I most likely won't elaborate.
> 
> ...


I completely understand. Sounds like another example of why too much talk can mess things up, especially about bodies or sex. 

Oh, and obviously you must be cheating because it can't possibly have anything to do anything your husband said or did to put you off. 

Hope you use your superpowers to get through it soon.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I completely understand. Sounds like another example of why too much talk can mess things up, especially about bodies or sex.
> 
> Oh, and obviously you must be cheating because it can't possibly have anything to do anything your husband said or did to put you off.
> 
> Hope you use your superpowers to get through it soon.


Well could you imagine if I worked at an office how nice a complement would have felt Friday?

Fortunately I'm an online teacher and work from home so no chance of that happening. Most of my co-workers are also female. It's just interesting to see how easy something could go off the rails. Since I"m aware of the issues and things that could go wrong it is easy to avoid them. Now if I just knew how to fix my broken head.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Well could you imagine if I worked at an office how nice a complement would have felt Friday?
> 
> Fortunately I'm an online teacher and work from home so no chance of that happening. Most of my co-workers are also female. It's just interesting to see how easy something could go off the rails. Since I"m aware of the issues and things that could go wrong it is easy to avoid them. Now if I just knew how to fix my broken head.


If anyone can, it will be you. In the end it's just going to come down to you being confident of your own self and your own worth and recognizing nitpicking when you hear it!


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

Anastasia6 said:


> So I've been thinking about honesty because we are very honest in our relationship.
> 
> People keep saying tell him....
> Well he didn't ask. If he asked the right question I would tell him.
> ...


It's no wonder you don't feel sexy. I would feel completely demoralized if my H said that to me. 
I suggest you have an honest conversation with your H about how his comment has affected you. 
Start with validation - I understand you didn't like the way I smelled. Then explain your feelings in a simple, direct way. If he tries to discount or gets defensive, then you need to shut it down. Your reaction isn't about his feelings, he's entitled to them. It's about yours.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

blahfridge said:


> It's no wonder you don't feel sexy. I would feel completely demoralized if my H said that to me.
> I suggest you have an honest conversation with your H about how his comment has affected you.
> Start with validation - I understand you didn't like the way I smelled. Then explain your feelings in a simple, direct way. If he tries to discount or gets defensive, then you need to shut it down. Your reaction isn't about his feelings, he's entitled to them. It's about yours.


Well and that's the thing. He wouldn't get defensive. He'd be crushed. It still wouldn't make me skinny or uninfected or fix my head. We have had this crazy passionate sexy sex life for over 10 years of so because I felt so safe and loved that I opened up and I lead him in ways we hadn't explored before. 

The reason the title talks about the power of acceptance is because prior to this I had overwhelming acceptance. This lead to a sexiness and horniness that exuded in our relationship. I didn't worry about anything. While I'm sure there are things that we haven't done that others have. I am fairly certain that for a 20+ year marriage we were enjoying more than most. Now I don't even want to be naked.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

snowbum said:


> I don't think men get the body image thing.
> 
> I've been working on fitness. Ran 7.2 miles today. Longest run in the past 40 years. I'm hoping to run 13.1 in three weeks. I run 5 days a week, and get up at 4 am to do so a few times a week.
> 
> ...


You would think that at some point men would realize that women already know what their body looks like down to the most minute detail and don't need to be told. No good can come of that.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

Anastasia6 said:


> Well and that's the thing. He wouldn't get defensive. He'd be crushed. It still wouldn't make me skinny or uninfected or fix my head. We have had this crazy passionate sexy sex life for over 10 years of so because I felt so safe and loved that I opened up and I lead him in ways we hadn't explored before.
> 
> The reason the title talks about the power of acceptance is because prior to this I had overwhelming acceptance. This lead to a sexiness and horniness that exuded in our relationship. I didn't worry about anything. While I'm sure there are things that we haven't done that others have. I am fairly certain that for a 20+ year marriage we were enjoying more than most. Now I don't even want to be naked.


We are only responsible for your own feelings, not others. A mantra that helps me: "Look in the mirror and say to yourself, this is the only problem I need to solve today."
Still, he needs to know because what he said is having a direct effect on your relationship. How he reacts is not within your control. You aren't telling him to crush him, you are telling him because the problem can't be solved otherwise.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Jiggly I might can handle. I currently have an infection. So I'm gross.


Infections clear up.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Infections clear up.


Exactly that should help some. But the reason for the infect being overweight take a long time to clear up.

I should have said. The worry that it's back and I haven't noticed will be in my mind.

But I know I'll feel better about some things in a few days when the infection is cleared.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Again OT. But as someone who had a BIG weight problem I can relate.

Aerobic exercise rather than dieting. 20 minutes of walking fast enough to get pulse to 80% of max for your age and sex, at least four days a week will shave the weight off at 4-5 lb/month. When people begin noticing and commenting that is a real high. Your husband will be complementing you. My wife started making suggestive comments.

Eventually as your fitness improves you will have to run to get pulse rate high enough. Then you will start lifting weights to build muscle.The image in the mirror will look decades younger. Cellulitis will be in rearview mirror.

Sorry again for T/J


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Rus47 said:


> Again OT. But as someone who had a BIG weight problem I can relate.
> 
> Aerobic exercise rather than dieting. 20 minutes of walking fast enough to get pulse to 80% of max for your age and sex, at least four days a week will shave the weight off at 4-5 lb/month. When people begin noticing and commenting that is a real high. Your husband will be complementing you. My wife started making suggestive comments.
> 
> ...


Edited

Rus47 I appreciated it. I know you are coming from a place of love. Which by the way my husband does desire me and notice me and still wants to **** me.


Yes I knew the weight loss tips would show up. I won't go into that... Let's just say I"m well versed in all forms of weight loss and the medical condition that make some exercise counter productive for me. I can lose weight if I stick to about 1000 calories a day and exercise daily I get about 2 pounds a month.

*I really would like this to be the last diet/exercise/lose weight comment for this thread.*
If it helps anyone to know. so far to day I've consumed 60 calories.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Yep told him right away. I didn't keep it a secret that it hurt and set off internal negative thoughts.
> 
> People seems to keep skipping over that. I don't see much use in continuing to tell him. He can't unring the bell.
> Since everyone is so hung up on the exact circumstance. I have an infection, but it is in my thigh crack not vagina. It smelled gross. I freely admit that. We were in the middle of foreplay. He said that's kind of gross and pushed off to his side of the bed. I agreed. I took a shower. He tried to join me as usual and I let him be there but didn't do the normal activites. We went back to bed he's all ready to get back to it. I let him know that I in no way felt sexy anymore and that the comment had unleashed negative thoughts.
> ...


What he said and did there was just rude and unnecessary. Why couldn't he just gracefully make his exit like anyone else with a brain would? 

I imagine there are times you are thinking in your head during foreplay that something isn't that pleasant but that you have enough brains to not bring it up right in the middle of sex. He was thoughtless. He could just as easily have just moved on.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Exactly that should help some. But the reason for the infect being overweight take a long time to clear up.
> 
> I should have said. The worry that it's back and I haven't noticed will be in my mind.
> 
> But I know I'll feel better about some things in a few days when the infection is cleared.


All he needs to do is avoid that area. People get little skin type infections any place where it gets moist. This is likely something you would be dealing with off and on regardless of your weight because that area is moist and rarely gets air because of clothing. My dermatologist can't even really help me with mine so I just have to kind of live with it and it's not just back there but a lot of other places like under my boobs. He needs to accept it as something that happens and realize that he can always just work around it.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> What he said and did there was just rude and unnecessary. Why couldn't he just gracefully make his exit like anyone else with a brain would?
> 
> I imagine there are times you are thinking in your head during foreplay that something isn't that pleasant but that you have enough brains to not bring it up right in the middle of sex. He was thoughtless. He could just as easily have just moved on.


Yes and this is out of character for him. I'd say something like a brain fart. Though of course I have to wonder is it something he's been thinking before and it just built up until it came flying out kind of like hyamdril indicates? Does it mean that he hasn't been honest with me before? Has he resented the weight. I've put on about 35 pounds since marrying 28 years ago with 10 being since I've had to deal with his mothers medical and financial and pay $4000 for assisted living the stress makes me eat. He's put on about 100 since 28 years ago but he's taller. We have always accepted that about each other. So once again the mind goes whirling.

The only thing I have no doubt about is he loves me.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

His small remark, set your mirror image rippling.

He saw and remarked on a minor bulge, yet you saw a whale in the mirror for days, maybe a week, a month, prior.

It is not him,, his remarks, it is you, and your dark thoughts.
Those aging thoughts.

I see it as your Natal Moon being hunted by those traveling Saturnine Men, the same cold gents, that taunt me, haunt me to death.

I can no longer fight them off, so I, in turn, keep them up all night, hence, they sleep most of the day.

What ever it is that pains you, shrink it away, while you can.

Do not blame your husband for that which our Mother Nature has bestowed upon you.

Age gracefully, or age in fits, as I do.

I blame no woman for the physical state I am in.

I beseech you, blame you, no man.



If your lady-hood still works just dandy, keep it well exercised.
Keep the negative thoughts away.

It is not your husband, it is a phase you are passing through.
Sometimes they last for a few weeks or months, sometimes they never really end.

Just do not let those thoughts up-end you.
It is cold enough in this world.

It becomes unbearable, when no hands are permitted to warm you.



_Are Dee- I am back online, not back on Earth._


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> All he needs to do is avoid that area. People get little skin type infections any place where it gets moist. This is likely something you would be dealing with off and on regardless of your weight because that area is moist and rarely gets air because of clothing. My dermatologist can't even really help me with mine so I just have to kind of live with it and it's not just back there but a lot of other places like under my boobs. He needs to accept it as something that happens and realize that he can always just work around it.


yes. And he was willing to work around it. Thursday after the shower he wanted to get right back at it. IT was me who just didn't feel like it anymore and I told him so. I also told him why. Not just the comment but how my mind was no spinning and the thoughts I was having. He said he was sorry and that he loved me. which I know. Like I said this is actually a me problem.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Yes and this is out of character for him. I'd say something like a brain fart. Though of course I have to wonder is it something he's been thinking before and it just built up until it came flying out kind of like hyamdril indicates? Does it mean that he hasn't been honest with me before? Has he resented the weight. I've put on about 35 pounds since marrying 28 years ago with 10 being since I've had to deal with his mothers medical and financial and pay $4000 for assisted living the stress makes me eat. He's put on about 100 since 28 years ago but he's taller. We have always accepted that about each other. So once again the mind goes whirling.
> 
> The only thing I have no doubt about is he loves me.


Don't break your brain over how long he's had this on his mind. And obviously there's a lot of hypocrisy going on here on his part if he's worried about your 20 pounds but he's gained 100. I hope for your sake he doesn't just lose his filter as he gets older like older folks often do. A good relationship can turn to crap if one person starts speaking everything that's on their mind at any given time. Part of loving someone is knowing when to shut up and be nice.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> His small remark, set your mirror image rippling.
> 
> He saw and remarked on a minor bulge, yet you saw a whale in the mirror for days, maybe a week, a month, prior.
> 
> ...


Ah the bard speaks....

Have I not made it known that I accept this wisdom?

"It is not him,, his remarks, it is you, and your dark thoughts."

But how does one warm when you are dead inside? A fire can not spark life nor life a fire..


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> Ah the bard speaks....
> 
> Have I not made it known that I accept this wisdom?
> 
> ...


Hopefully, this _Winter of Discontent_ shall pass.

They normally do.

Hopefully, without any medication.

Since you ask, and you seek that respite, some relief, you yet live.
Your desire, yet smolders in the ashes.

You are not dead, you are now dormant.

Soon, a puff of oxygenated air will set you aflame, atwitter.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

well i am all commented out. but things will get better.

here is a song to comfort you!


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Anastasia6 said:


> Now if I just knew how to fix my broken head.


Don’t be trapped into thinking you can or should “just know” before progress can be made (not that you are). What you don’t know how to do, seek it out and learn, try it, then repeat with something else until you get traction.

If you’re open to some cheap and concrete food for thought, lookup books by Brene Brown (a couple come to mind), or a series of videos on YouTube called “Therapy in a Nutshell”.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> It isn't a matter of being offended. It's a matter of unleashing an internal negative monolog.


I know what you mean. I've felt terrible about myself a few times. Thankfully, those feelings don't stay long enough to change my relationship. I got to a point where I realized I was missing a lot of good times because I was feeling like 24/7 Grinch. I'm done feeling like that, and I have a lot of imperfections.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I actually am turning the corner already. So I have hope. I am doing a cleanse tonight so tonight is off the table as is Sunday morning but by Sunday evening I think I'll be back in the swing of things.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Anastasia6 said:


> Yep told him right away. I didn't keep it a secret that it hurt and set off internal negative thoughts.
> 
> People seems to keep skipping over that. I don't see much use in continuing to tell him. He can't unring the bell.
> Since everyone is so hung up on the exact circumstance. I have an infection, but it is in my thigh crack not vagina. It smelled gross. I freely admit that. We were in the middle of foreplay. He said that's kind of gross and pushed off to his side of the bed. I agreed. I took a shower. He tried to join me as usual and I let him be there but didn't do the normal activites. We went back to bed he's all ready to get back to it. I let him know that I in no way felt sexy anymore and that the comment had unleashed negative thoughts.
> ...


So sorry to hear how it all came down. If this was out of character for him, the first time something like that has come up, then there's every chance in the world he's learned his lesson, feels TERRIBLE, and wants to make it up to you in any way possible. IF. And if that's the case, moving on from it might entail lightening the mood a bit so that, when you're SURE he's on-board and loving every inch and every smell that says you're YOU. 

The sexual relationship I have with my wife remains largely seriously f'd up by her baggage and how she handled things when the truth came out. But at least, when it comes to pleasuring her in that manner, when my nose is in a place to smell such things, she can be 100% secure because I was the only guy she went out with that took care of her 28 out of 28 days, never thought she smelled anything but wonderful. Different types of wonderful, but it is/was her. I even like the way she smells if she hasn't had a shower for longer than usual (we're talking just a couple or few days, not something out there).

So today, in our 60s, way past menstruation, she still has fond memories of me helping her get rid of cramps. She assumed no guy would do that. The smell. The mess. And now, if there's something a bit off, it's not an embarrassment that makes her self-conscious. It just means there's something to be checked out.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Anastasia6 said:


> He said he was sorry and that he loved me. which I know. Like I said this is actually a me problem.


As insensitive and rude as it was in that moment, for you, the flip side is that he must be outrageously comfortable with you to be able to say what's on his mind. This is a guy you can trust. Some would kill for that level of honesty. Just, maybe, not at that exact moment. The timing is a bit off perhaps.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Casual Observer said:


> As insensitive and rude as it was in that moment, for you, the flip side is that he must be outrageously comfortable with you to be able to say what's on his mind. This is a guy you can trust. Some would kill for that level of honesty. Just, maybe, not at that exact moment. The timing is a bit off perhaps.


yes this is true we are outrageously comfortable and accepting of each other. We really do have it good.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I’m lucky my wife has never had this type of thing. She’s very concerned about moisture and adopts mitigation methods (I tend to add a lot 😈).

Unfortunately my TMI mumzie has had issues all the time and has really unfortunately filled me in on all the gory details including even a couple weeks ago and she’s almost 80.

I think something good from what she told me is she wanted to bone my dad the entire time. When she recently told me about her issues she said my dad was kaput though. Sad…

I say enjoy it while you got it!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

bobert said:


> And he still can, just in a better or more gentle way. You wouldn't be telling him to lie or keep his thoughts to himself. You would be telling him that way of communicating didn't work for you or the marriage really. It could be as simple as "I know I have this issue and I was hurt when you said/did ..., I think I would have felt better if instead you suggested a shower to freshen up". It's just improving communication, which won't happen if you don't talk about it.


Absolutely agree.

I can’t help but ask OP - are you good with the responsibility of supporting his mother? You have mentioned it a couple of times in this thread. Admittedly, it’s only fair that you know I feel like a royal d-head asking this in the first place. Yet it also stood out to me. And then I kinda revert back to what farsidejunky suggested in the first page. If you don’t want to address this or feel it’s irrelevant here, I will respect that.

As for the aroma of the infection, I agree that he was both comfortable to just be knee-jerk blunt and yet certainly could have handled it differently; and agree with the post above.

Take care of yourselves.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I know that have stated this is something within you, and maybe this has been mentioned, however, despite his less than considered reaction and not that you are debating this, yet for good measure I’m reinforcing that I think it’s better he expressed himself than not. As in, better that you know that was his experience than trying to hide how he felt and he end up avoiding you.

I wouldn’t be in the camp that these things happen and he ought to just deal with it (the aroma). Nope. I don‘t think that would be your expectation of him either.

From here, as mentioned above, could be discussing your feelings. And yet how do you get past it yourself? Well, it needs to be genuine, however, any chance you could kind of laugh about it with him to break through and get beyond it? As you said, the infection will pass. And he’s overall attracted to you. Let us know how you go.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

His ‘rejection’ was of the smell of the infection, and which will pass; not of you as a person.


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## Melinda82 (10 mo ago)

Many of the things you've written resonate with me. Criticism about your body from the one you've been intimate with for years is devastating. I've also been struggling with feeling sexy and desiring intimacy, knowing how my husband truly feels about me. I don't know if I'll ever get back to how horny and sexy I felt when I thought he loved everything about me.

But I don't think you're in the same boat! I don't think your husband was trying to criticize YOU. I think he was critical of a wound--something temporarily on your body--NOT your body. As others have said, it will heal. It sounds like this has opened up your own insecurities about your weight, and that is what you're really stressed about. You think your husband thinks you're fat and unattractive. But he might not have a problem with your weight at all! He may find you as sexy as ever. If you can't get it off your mind--ask him. He'll probably tell you you're beautiful to him. (Only an idiot would tell his wife she's average.  )


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

heartsbeating said:


> His ‘rejection’ was of the smell of the infection, and which will pass; not of you as a person.


*I absolutely agree which is why I've said this is a problem within me.*

I know he loves me and quite frankly accepts me. I wouldn't want him to try to push through something unpleasant. We are always open and honest with each other. Post shower he was confused that I didn't want to pick up where we left off. I explained my new found insecurities and he was cool with not continuing. This is actually one of the things that makes him awesome. And the next day he was his normal wonderful self. No pouting or *****ing or anything. Brought me coffee like he always does.

About the MIL. I am cool with it but it has been overwhelming lately. It isn't just her but also my daughter having some medical issues as well. In our family I function as the doctor, Finance Payer and Retirement planner as well as have a stressful job and help with the house. So trying to figure out her medical condition (stage 4 kidney disease, diabetic having trouble walking possible congestive heart failure), figure out her finances and stop a scammer from continuing to drain her account, paying money out of our budget to cover things (which effects my retirement planneing), scheduling doctors, changing her meds to reflect the kidney disease, working to balance her insulin as her blood sugar is running high and she has a terrible primary care. It doesn't help she's not the easiest person to want to help.

He does his share and has his own stressful job as well. So I'm not upset about our roles or the amount of work he does. My weight is usually very stable with no major up or down. I have with all the stress and duties stress ate more and had time and energy for less self care. I have gained weight in these last months which added to my own insecurities.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Melinda82 said:


> Many of the things you've written resonate with me. Criticism about your body from the one you've been intimate with for years is devastating. I've also been struggling with feeling sexy and desiring intimacy, knowing how my husband truly feels about me. I don't know if I'll ever get back to how horny and sexy I felt when I thought he loved everything about me.
> 
> But I don't think you're in the same boat! I don't think your husband was trying to criticize YOU. I think he was critical of a wound--something temporarily on your body--NOT your body. As others have said, it will heal. It sounds like this has opened up your own insecurities about your weight, and that is what you're really stressed about. You think your husband thinks you're fat and unattractive. But he might not have a problem with your weight at all! He may find you as sexy as ever. If you can't get it off your mind--ask him. He'll probably tell you you're beautiful to him. (Only an idiot would tell his wife she's average.  )


Yes well Melinda I feel for you. I know my husband loves me and desires me. He wasn't trying to be critical. As I stated what he said was absolutely true. That's why I know that I am silly for having it impact me so much. For a few days I let it warp my feeling of being accepted. Which is the core of our long term wonderful marital and sexual relationship. You see I'm not longer upset thank goodness because we are very honest with each other and accept each other. It's the fact he can honestly tell me those things that I love. I can honestly tell him stuff too. 

My feeling gross and overweight is my feeling. One of the things I love about him is he loves me and wants to have sex with me frequently. I'm currently higher drive than his body can currently handle but I do get sex 4-8 times a week and he's over 50 with a bad back. When I was lower drive he accepted that as well and didn't get *****y about that either. We always just love and accept each other. Him being honest isn't the same as him not accepting. I let my own self-rejection get in the way.

I think your relationship unfortunately is different. If I asked my husband if he found me attractive he say yes and rub my butt. If I asked him if I was fat he'd say he likes me the way I am but if I want to lose weight we can do that together. If I told him I wanted to do liposuction he say I don't need unnecessary procedures and he loves me as I am but he'd support me if that's what I wanted. I literally have the best of all world's from my perspective.

My husband took it in stride when I wanted to expand our bedroom repertoire. My husband wants to make sure I get my pleasure during the experience. If he's not up for it but I am he'll always offer to help me out which I don't accept as I like him. I don't know why you husband is the way he is but I feel for you.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

So it’s more about acceptance / rejection of self? I’m not ‘getting’ how the infection and his reaction that one time has led to this self-inflicted block.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Melinda82 said:


> I think he was critical of a wound--something temporarily on your body--NOT your body


BTW, these staph infections can be passed on to anyone coming in contact. A lot of these bacteria have become resistant to the common antibiotics and very much a problem, especially for older people. We had a good friend who passed hers on to her husband, they both ended up in hospital with infusion that thankfully cured them after long course of treatment.


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

I have no advice, I just wanted to say I admire your (the OP's) self-awareness and emotional intelligence in handling this. A lot of people wouldn't even be able to pinpoint their feelings, much less the causes, and would just strike out against their spouse and the situation would snowball. It sounds like you are more than equipped to handle this and grow from it 👍


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Chaotic said:


> I have no advice, I just wanted to say I admire your (the OP's) self-awareness and emotional intelligence in handling this. A lot of people wouldn't even be able to pinpoint their feelings, much less the causes, and would just strike out against their spouse and the situation would snowball. It sounds like you are more than equipped to handle this and grow from it 👍


I agree. This will sound corny, but in all seriousness @Anastasia6 is one of my heroes on here. Solid opinions and she seems to have it together, but obviously we are all human.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

heartsbeating said:


> So it’s more about acceptance / rejection of self? I’m not ‘getting’ how the infection and his reaction that one time has led to this self-inflicted block.


Well as an older overweight woman there is the constant feeling of not being good enough. Truth be told even when I was younger and thin there was that feeling. I think most people to a greater or lesser degree have an internal critic.

mine used to be a lot louder. It is good in some cases. It helped drive me to be the first generation on both sides of my family to go to college even though we were poor. I didn’t just go to college I graduated with a engineering degree as a member of the engineering honors society.

I’ve always achieved within my career field. But personally it can be hard from personal aspects.

My husband and I have always accepted each other for who we are both inside and out. This basically suppressed that inner voice at least within our bedroom. So instead of hiding like many body conscious women, I walk around naked. We sleep together naked, have sex with the lights on, allows me to initiate without fear. Makes me feel sexy and loved.

so even though it wasn’t a rejection of me or even a statement about me it allowed that inner critic to have a loud voice. Made worse by the fact I had recently gained weight and was already mad at myself outside the bedroom. I thought of some of the posters here that talk about losing desire for their spouse cause they let themselves go. So not only had I gained weight I smelled as a direct result and what’s more grossthan a smelly self inflicted infection. I was rejecting myself and wondered if my husband secretly had those thoughts. It pulled the acceptance out from under me.

however I have now regained my composure. As I stated after the shower he was ready to get back at it. It was a simple statement about the INFECTION not about me. As I said it was a true statement. While I get many people hide those things from their spouse or their spouse can’t handle it. We aren’t like that. As someone said we are incredibly open an honest with each other. I appreciate that and never should have let my inner demons out as they aren’t my husbands’s thoughts or feelings they are mine alone.

im done with my cleanse and I assure you he will be attacked tonight. Coffee in the morning lovingly made and brought to me always does it for me.

that and he accepts when I’m turned on and when I’m not.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I wrote this post because I at least knew these were my demons. But imagine if I didn’t m. Imagine how shy I’d be in the bedroom or how I might avoid intimacy, which I did.

imagine if I had went to work Friday and a male friend / colleague had complemented me on looking good. Imagine if I had then said’Well glad you find me attractive, my husband finds me gross.’

imagine if the next day my husband joking said anything about my weightor a diet or needing to work out.

in none of those cases was my husband meaning anything bad but it could easily snow ball. It wouldn’t have had to do with me not loving my husband.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better.

I still think we should all think before we speak. I fully support open communication and honesty but there is a loving way and an asshole way to do it. The same thing will be received quite differently with different delivery.

This is worth pointing out to your hb, because frankly we all have room for growth and this sounds like a ready made opportunity for him to reflect on the delivery of an honest statement.

His delivery of an honest statement was poor. A nice conversation might prevent this in the future and save you both trouble.

Only my humble opinion. You seem to have this handled.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm glad to hear you're feeling better.
> 
> I still think we should all think before we speak. I fully support open communication and honesty but there is a loving way and an asshole way to do it. The same thing will be received quite differently with different delivery.
> 
> ...


But if she knows him well enough to believe he already understands and it won’t likely happen again, what better display of trust than to thank him that something like that, in THEIR relationship, had no malice and was learned from without having to explain to him why it was wrong. That’s a secure relationship.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I’m usually a very direct person but I’d like to think if my exH had had an infection that I wouldn’t have reacted the way your husband did — however, truthfully, I might have done the same if I was caught off guard by it. Certainly there was a better delivery he could have used. Glad you’ve moved on from it.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> I have always tried to answer honestly so that men might better understand a woman like me. Women are of course different but we have similar issues too. So I experienced something Thursday that has weighed on me and given me some insight into perhaps other women's issues that I have never quite experienced.
> 
> So Thursday my husband said something that was true and made me feel self conscious about my body. He in no way was trying to hurt me. You can ask but I most likely won't elaborate.
> 
> ...


After almost 20 years of marriage, I am starting to get that. Yeah, it took that long, and as I said...."starting to get it". I also noticed that one misplaced comment, can affect desire and that comment can be innocuous with no intent to harm whatsoever. 

Have you thought about talking about his comment that started this? That would be nice.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Mybabysgotit said:


> After almost 20 years of marriage, I am starting to get that. Yeah, it took that long, and as I said...."starting to get it". I also noticed that one misplaced comment, can affect desire and that comment can be innocuous with no intent to harm whatsoever.
> 
> Have you thought about talking about his comment that started this? That would be nice.


I did talk with him right when it was said. I was very open when we got out of the shower that I did not feel sexy. I also let him into my train of thought. He assured me then that he was simply talking about the infection and had not meant anything else by it.

I yesterday also asked him how long these thoughts had been going on about my infection. He said it just caught him off guard and again that he didn't mean anything by it. Today he offered me oral which isn't unusual but probably also his way of showing me it didn't bother him.

My main point is for much of my life I wouldn't have maybe had the emotional maturity to recognize this as a me problem since I knew full well he didn't mean anything by it. That is totally different than some spouses who try to needle you. 

I see here on TAM so many times when a wife is not wanting to be seen visually or participate in sex it is chalked up to her not loving the man, liking someone else, not into him sexually or low libido. In this case my low libido was my own self hatred. Sure it was set off by a simple comment which as I said I'd never want him to worry about what he say around me. So many women are insecure about their bodies and so many relationships aren't as open as ours. So if I had been 22 and not aware of my own crazy it could have led to a lifetime of trouble.

When me and my husband were younger I couldn't pinpoint our frequency but I can tell you it isn't what it is now. A big part of that is me becoming more comfortable in my own body. Him figuring out more ways to please me better. Our open and honest relationship (open with each other not other people) where there is so much acceptance. So much comfort. It took me a while to truly reflect on how I am accepted. Once I realized that it allowed me to be more open sexually including letting him know I wanted it more and accepting mild advances more. So we have had in the past regular 5-10 times a week sex and now we are averaging 4-8 times a week. I know when we first married it was most likely more like 2-3 times a week.

I have seen people of TAM ask sometimes in response to low sex, as a husband, is your wife insecure often times with the husband like no she's a knockout or she knows I love her body. But as you said sometimes one comment can unleash something the husband knows nothing about because he didn't mean anything by it. Or sometimes they do but it is said in fun or they harp on losing 5-10 pounds but in the end they are losing an incredible sex life. Depends on the person. I know that when I came to this marriage I was emotionally unhealthy. I didn't keep that a secret from my husband. But the steady love and acceptance for the most part as made me a more healthy complete individual and as a result much higher libido.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> have MORE desire and sex with my husband NOW. After 28 years of marriage than I did premarriage or shortly after marriage.


This is amazing and elusive.

I have noticed that really trying to not be a **** husband has increased my wife’s desire a lot. Between that and paying attention to her I’d say she is close to within the first couple years of marriage now after 25 years.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ccpowerslave said:


> This is amazing and elusive.
> 
> I have noticed that really trying to not be a **** husband has increased my wife’s desire a lot. Between that and paying attention to her I’d say she is close to within the first couple years of marriage now after 25 years.


Yep the elusive no ****ty husband 🤣


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Yep the elusive no ****ty husband 🤣


It’s actually an important thing. Like if your wife isn’t excited about having sex, why not?

You need to look at every angle like perhaps the problem is the husband.

Your husband did something dumb, not on purpose, but still counter productive to what he was trying to achieve. I have found that by not doing these unforced errors my wife has responded even by doing acts that she has not done for 20 years without me asking. But it takes a level of paying attention and not being a dummy.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Thank you for sharing this post. 

I will say I had similar from my ex husband on the odd occasion something gross happened. Like you, I'm overweight (something I'm working on) and on random occasions when I'm not taking care of myself I would get an infection where you state. It's not actually the easiest to treat and clean on your own. I once asked my XH to assist me in treating and dressing the wound, he refused, pulled a horrible face like he was repulsed. That made me spiral internally also.....

By contrast I had something similar recently. I told my partner, he offered to help me cleanse and dress it. It healed up quickly and fabulously as a result of the help. 

I'm glad you've moved past it with your husband and thank you for showing there can be many reasons why a sex life can nose dive that aren't sinister.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

We all say and do things we regret (or would like a do over). 

What I like about OP is she and her husband have the one thing that most couples don't have and that's strong communication. 

Glad you shared this because you are right, it's very easy to see where a situation like this could lead one down a path that could blow up your marriage if not handled properly.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Words spoken can never be retrieved. Most of us say way more of them than we should.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Rus47 said:


> Words spoken can never be retrieved. Most of us say way more of them than we should.


Well and one of my favorite quotes from Pretty Lady is "the bad stuff is easier to believe"


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## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

This is an important thread, because it has combination of things, one is your over arching belief in your husbands intentions. Secondly you're self aware, its easy to fall into a trap of body shaming and what not simply because trust between two people is not at an all time high, even more impressive is you seem aware of it. Awareness can change the outcome of things like these. Its easy to take things like these in the wrong sense, especially because its extremely personal, and no one can ever discuss it, not even with your closest of friends. Sensitivity is a funny thing, sometimes even the smallest of things can throw a person off balance, which is why in personal relationships which are so complex, even the smallest things can have huge impact.

Which is also why I firmly believe that in contemporary culture, we do a great disservice to the institution of marriage, especially when it works well. I think people who have managed their relationships well need to speak out more about how they managed things during their tough times and how they coped, because coping allows us to go on. And how they managed to keep each other afloat. And how they managed their issues. Thanks for this thread OP, it gives guys like a me a great insight into the mind of a woman.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> See you'd think that. And it will in the end probably be what I try. But I don't think most men have that ongoing internal chain of thoughts going on. Many women I know and Particularly me I have 20-40 trains of thoughts going on at one time. It's taken me a long time to turn those off for sex and just enjoy. But now there is that internal voice conscious about my body and such. Saying negative things. Making me feel about a sexy as a pile of ****.


Ah, the changes in life growing older and wiser. Not all things learned are enjoyable or user friendly. But we have to keep things in perspective. I know your Hs love for you hasn't changed.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> Do you know how bad he would feel? How guilty he would feel?
> 
> This is something broken in me that he didn't really do. I have claimed lots of thing on this forum but never that I was a emotionally healthy human. I can identify the moment it happened. I can identify the outcome of it happening. I can't identify how to fix it yet. I also know that it isn't his fault but he'd take it that way. He would be crushed.
> 
> I won't put my mental issues on him.


 But you are indeed a grown up and stable adult. Something will smooth this over. Things will get back on track with all a bit better off.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> I did talk with him right when it was said. I was very open when we got out of the shower that I did not feel sexy. I also let him into my train of thought. He assured me then that he was simply talking about the infection and had not meant anything else by it.
> 
> I yesterday also asked him how long these thoughts had been going on about my infection. He said it just caught him off guard and again that he didn't mean anything by it. Today he offered me oral which isn't unusual but probably also his way of showing me it didn't bother him.
> 
> ...


That makes a lot of sense. Sorry, one more question: 

you mention your husband is a light initiator, I bet my wife would say the same thing. In fact the way you describe his passive initiations are pretty much on point of how our sex life it. My question is: Is this a turnoff to you? Would you rather him just take you when he wants? (you know what I mean by that hopefully). looks like you guys do it a lot more than we do, we are no where near 4-8x a week. We are like 1-3x, mostly 2.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Mybabysgotit said:


> That makes a lot of sense. Sorry, one more question:
> 
> you mention your husband is a light initiator, I bet my wife would say the same thing. In fact the way you describe his passive initiations are pretty much on point of how our sex life it. My question is: Is this a turnoff to you? Would you rather him just take you when he wants? (you know what I mean by that hopefully). looks like you guys do it a lot more than we do, we are no where near 4-8x a week. We are like 1-3x, mostly 2.


Well early in our relationship his initiation somehow turned into lightly rubbing my shoulder after lights out. I mean it was almost a pat really. Since he doesn't talk during sex I didn't really know that was initiation. So some nights I turned over and some nights I didn't. Back then yes I would have liked a stronger initiation. I responded much of the time so he probably thought it was enough. We had sex but didn't talk about sex much back then.

Years later when I more interested in sexual relations in general and started asking questions like how often would you ideally like sex I was shocked when he said ideally daily. He had never initiated daily so I didn't know. 

I don't mind his style of imitation. If I could have changed anything in the past it would simply be communication. We talk about almost everything and anything and are very open with each other and we are each others best friends. We didn't talk about sex. I still wouldn't mind more communication. He won't tell me his fantasies, it is the only part of life that he is 'shy' about. He's usually a get it done kind of guy and has many talents and is very handy. We can talk about anything sexual I want and such but he can't tell me what he wants. 

He does sometimes strongly initiate. Yes that's good too. What I like or appreciate more than strong initiation is the take or leave it style. Both him and I feel comfortable not having sex, comfortable initiating and comfortable being turned down. So I don't feel pressure or have bad feelings or feel like I have to have sex. Sure most times I'm up for it and sometimes he turns me down. But we don't freak out, get *****y or cranky or anything like that. I REALLY appreciate sex being a positive experience every single time.

So like the other night Thursday. he said something about the infection. I took a shower we got out he started over again and I said, "I'm just not feeling it." I let him know the negative spiral going on in my head. He said he was sorry and we went to bed. I think I would have felt bad if while I was spiraling he was like oh come on do it for me or have sex or we are divorcing or some completely self centered blue balls statement. He makes me feel loved OUTSIDE the bedroom so inside is a purely pleasure experience and as such I like pleasure frequently, yes please.

TLDR: don't care too much about initiation style more about communication and feeling loved.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Mybabysgotit said:


> That makes a lot of sense. Sorry, one more question:
> 
> you mention your husband is a light initiator, I bet my wife would say the same thing. In fact the way you describe his passive initiations are pretty much on point of how our sex life it. My question is: Is this a turnoff to you? Would you rather him just take you when he wants? (you know what I mean by that hopefully). looks like you guys do it a lot more than we do, we are no where near 4-8x a week. We are like 1-3x, mostly 2.


Oh and feel free to ask any questions you want. I started this thread to maybe help someone better understand at least some women.

I should add to the above. He initiates stronger now but still "no" is an option. We also talk more about sex now. He buys me sex toys for Christmas and Valentines day. I like that. We don't normally buy each other presents but he started like 5 years back getting me sex toys.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Moderator warning:

Name calling is against forum rules. If it happens again the perpetrator will be gone.


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## StutterStepPause (9 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> See you'd think that. And it will in the end probably be what I try. But I don't think most men have that ongoing internal chain of thoughts going on. Many women I know and Particularly me I have 20-40 trains of thoughts going on at one time. It's taken me a long time to turn those off for sex and just enjoy. But now there is that internal voice conscious about my body and such. Saying negative things. Making me feel about a sexy as a pile of ****.


I can relate and have no advice. This was devastating for me (esp. post partum) and I don’t think I’ll ever feel the same again. Sorry that this has happened to you and I hope you’re able to overcome it.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

StutterStepPause said:


> I can relate and have no advice. This was devastating for me (esp. post partum) and I don’t think I’ll ever feel the same again. Sorry that this has happened to you and I hope you’re able to overcome it.


Yes it’s fully behind me now.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> See you'd think that. And it will in the end probably be what I try. But I don't think most men have that ongoing internal chain of thoughts going on. Many women I know and Particularly me I have 20-40 trains of thoughts going on at one time. It's taken me a long time to turn those off for sex and just enjoy. But now there is that internal voice conscious about my body and such. Saying negative things. Making me feel about a sexy as a pile of ****.


How are you going to snap out of that funk?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> How are you going to snap out of that funk?


It actually turned out to be easier than I thought. I was having a conversation with someone about how my marriage works. Thing is we are very open an honest and accepting of each other. I kind of was able to internalize what I had said all along. This wasn't about me. It was about the infection. Nothing for him had changed. Second I did kind of verify that with him. I did not tell him the extent to which I spiral but did ask if I was now unattractive to him or how long i had been such. He was deeply hurt and let me know he was only talking about the infection and loves me and finds me attractive. I decided to accept that. He has always consistently loved me and found me attractive.

If I were married to some other guy who made our relationship less stable then I might be spiraling forever. But I have no reason to doubt his affection or attraction. As I said from the very beginning this was a me problem. I know most relationships aren't as open as ours and people say nice lies or don't tell truth to keep the peace, we have never been like that because we accept each other. Now that is not to say that we go out of our way to say hurtful truths.


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