# Lies



## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

If you have read my other posts, you'll know that I've been going through a lot with my H since the beginning of our relationship. I am in IC and we are both in MC. I'm not perfect but I've made a lot of progress. My H seems to be making progress as well, but getting there was painful. He tried to hide things from me about his relationship with a female friend (that's a long story), he also enables his family financially but then projects his frustrations about it on me, and then he was neglecting me sexually and finally admitted to using pornography.

Feel free to read my posts if you REALLY want all the details. But there's so many pages. But as I said before. My patience is wearing thin. And I've just lost trust in him. Damage has been done. And I'm trying to decide if I want to be in this relationship or not. If he's still lying to me about money, porn, friends/family. The answer is no. But if he actually is being honest with me, then I'd like to give him a chance. I also know myself well enough that I will not let this relationship go unless I know for a fact that he's still lying to me. 

So I need to know. And I don't plan on having my husband being aware of this. I need to know what my husband is made of, what he does when he thinks no one's looking. This means a lot to me. 

So I ask you all...

Do you know of a monitoring app or keylogger that tracks messages, emails, searches and visited websites? That runs in the background of a smartphone or tablet in stealth mode so that the person is unaware?

I'm sure many of you will be against this, but I have to do this. I don't want to live like this. If I find that he's still lying to me, then I will follow up with a divorce. We've tried a separation already, it worked somewhat. But we're still in the spot we are now.

Thank you. 




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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I was pretty pleased with Webwatcher software. It's available for both cell phones and computers. You'll need access to the phone and to the computer once in order to load the software. Thereafer, you can access the records remotely via the web without having access to the devices again.


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

We have McAfee Antivirus on our phones. Will this effect it? 

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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

From my experience. If you feel the need to monitor, there is a problem. Sometimes monitoring is just a temporary relief, there may be a better solution. 

What is happening in your life now, that causes you mistrust? What do you suspect he is hiding and why?

I've read some of your other threads, and my guess is you don't trust his motives for being with you. Spying on his conversations may not reveal the truth on that. 

You both came together in a very unusual situation. His brother is not a friend to your marriage and because of your history, never will be. What is best for your H? Staying with you, and limiting his contact with his family in such a way as it doesn't involve you? Or you both separating so he can have a deeper relationship with his family. The answer to that may be more revealing to your next steps than any monitoring.


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

I suspect he's hiding porn. Because he hid it for a year and yet he rejected me sexually. He swears he's not looking at it anymore. But I think he's hiding it now, because he stated recently that he wouldn't even tell me if he looked at it again. That doesn't make me feel better. I have a problem with porn. I don't like it and don't want it in my marriage. I married a man that did not use porn or like it, occasionally looked at the Playboy in the men's bathroom, that was it. But I guess over time he got into porn. And my opinion of it has not changed. 

As for the part about his family, that's his call. I can't make that decision for him. I think he'd be much happier if his family didn't make him their bank. 

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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

PieOhMy said:


> If you have read my other posts, you'll know that I've been going through a lot with my H since the beginning of our relationship. I am in IC and we are both in MC. I'm not perfect but I've made a lot of progress. My H seems to be making progress as well, but getting there was painful. He tried to hide things from me about his relationship with a female friend (that's a long story), he also enables his family financially but then projects his frustrations about it on me, and then he was neglecting me sexually and finally admitted to using pornography.
> 
> Feel free to read my posts if you REALLY want all the details. But there's so many pages. But as I said before. My patience is wearing thin. And I've just lost trust in him. Damage has been done. And I'm trying to decide if I want to be in this relationship or not. If he's still lying to me about money, porn, friends/family. The answer is no. But if he actually is being honest with me, then I'd like to give him a chance. I also know myself well enough that I will not let this relationship go unless I know for a fact that he's still lying to me.
> 
> ...


There are parallels here with my issues with my wife. I won't go into that in detail but let me explain where I think you and I have the same problem.

When a person that you live with walls themselves off from you, what they are really thinking and doing becomes a mystery. In fact, they have to lie to you often to keep that distance even if it is about how they feel just to dodge something they don't want to do. The lack of intellectual, emotional, physical, and spiritual intimacy is usually toxic to a relationship but even if it isn't, the distance leaves us without information for which to process conflict. We are left confused. Then along comes a rational reason to distrust them and damage is done to the relationship. But we have no context or mechanism to heal. There is no return to intimacy if it was never really there. Just a return to their preferred state of distance that, at best, they find comfort in, or at worst they find power over us in. Confusion is a great tool for manipulation.

So what you have to ask yourself, is what is your husbands true character. Forget how he treats you for a moment, how does he treat others? Does he admire manipulators and love a great lie? Does he tell you stories about how he screwed someone over, or how his divorced father is such a scamp and cheats his girlfriends and laughs about it? People tend to show you who they really are if we would just pay attention to it. If you married a manipulator, don't think you are excluded from that for one minute.

But maybe he is just uncomfortable with being close. Or does lacks the courage to face up to his changing feelings for you. But the result is essentially the same--an unfulfilled marriage/life for you. 

If he is a manipulator--run. Get a lawyer today and don't look back and Don't try to fix it. If he is just broken, you owe it to yourself to confront him with ending the marriage if this does not change. Of course the risk there is that he does not change and then you have to follow through and end it no matter how scary and dark that seems. Nothing changes if you do not do this.


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

I think he's broken. And it's actually been a while since I gave him an ultimatum. I try not to throw divorce around, especially when I'm upset. 

John, Amy's husband, texted him the other day saying, "Hi just wanted to say hi, hope all is well." He told me about it up front. And stated he chose not to respond. I suggested that he message back stating that he's decided not to pursue a friendship with them and wish them the best. He got defensive thinking I was trying to control the situation again. In a nut shell, I stated that if he's not over the past and those in it, then there's nothing that I want from this relationship. He kept saying he didn't know what he wanted, he wants the relationship to work. He got very very emotional, and not angry, just very sad. I told him that I couldn't help but feel like John texting was just bad timing and this whole argument is a flare up because we're trying to recover from the porn and intimacy thing. I told him that I don't think he really cares for Amy and John, even 8 months ago when they texted him, I don't think he really cared so much. I think it was always about what they symbolized to him, and that was me seeming to take something from him and control him. I told him he needs to let it go and see what it really was and what matters now. I used myself as an example. I told him I resented him so long for not protecting me or our marriage more when his friends and family started their drama 5 years ago. I told him I had to own my part and take responsibility for my life and the choices I made through all of it. That I made my bed and now I must lie in it. I couldn't love him again until I let go of the past and made peace with my actions and his. I told him I feel like he's in my shoes a few years ago. But I've had it now and he needs to cut the sh*t. Time to grow up. 

He actually agreed with all of that. 

But before I said all that, there was a point in the conversation i told him to lay with me and to relax, and he just started crying hysterically. I asked him what was upsetting him. He said different things. He said us at first and then he said his family. 

So I think he's broken. My husband doesn't like to share his feelings a lot, and when he does, it's usually when he's angry. But when he cries hysterically like a little boy in my arms, it tells me he's really hurting and stressed out. 

The rest of the night went okay, we have been doing better since, but we have MC tomorrow. 

Bad idea to suggest that we send a message to John about not pursuing the friendship again? I can't help but feel like if we don't, they'll still take it as if they have a chance to weasel into our lives and keep texting. 

My H, I really do think he's broken. I don't know what to do for him. I worry about him. And yet I'm afraid to seem vulnerable. 

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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

I am going to write about your other threads so maybe I will go into wrong direction,sorry my Lady. You can just forget about my post.

First - I got lost in one when you talked about John and Ammy. Why would you be friends with them when they talked bad things about you in the past ??? If I am not mistaken you started messaging them when they got pregnant. Ohh,one more thing,your Husband had a "thing" for Amy for a long time. I cant see any friendship there,sorry.

His family is using you and your kindness. It is nice to help them with kind words or finacially but they are living on your paychecks (or used to be). Huge fights over that. Then your Husband goes mad when you want to talk about it. I help my sisters too. They live in other country and economy is bad too (it is just like your story) but I dont want them to come between my Lady and me. She comes first in my book. Your Husband have to realize this too.

Now back to his brother. He should mind his own bussines and his life. Sure they are brothers and they can talk about life or something like that,but he should let you two alone and your Realationship. Every time your Husband go to movie or coffee with him you two have a big fight. If I am correct his brother once punched him,right?

Watching porn,forgeting things about you,puting you down,dont want to have sex with you,feeling insecure or competive because you want to have fun with him on the ride is a mind of a immature person. 

Then puting some money away and saving it is called PLANING. Your husband is once again wrong. What is even worse he talked about his earning more then you. Maybe I am stupid but I learned to share everything 50-50 with my Lady. I earn a little bit more then her,but we put every month some Euros to the side for our future,maybe one day kids,who knows. We are still poor,but we are happy 

Maybe I forget some crucial points or maybe I missed all the things with my post but I truly belive you deserve a better. In one of your thread you talked about giving him one more chance,and you should think about meaning of that word or sentence,call it what ever you like,cus I suc..k with my English. 

He needs to change and put you in the first place. His family,friends,porn and other stuff are not living with him,you are my Lady. 

Sorry for grammar mistakes,English is not my native language. If I am wrong about your threads I truly apologize.

Stay strong and best wishes to you.


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## Homer j (Jan 6, 2016)

Get him a copy of every man's battle. I am working on the same issues and it's helped me. Something you both need to realize if you don't is this is/can be an addiction. If he's hiding it he is addicted. This is very, very hard to break.

Why? Because it's visual. You may not notice it as you are a woman. How many times do you see an ad for Victoria secret? A bikini commercial? A woman your H works with that shows some cleavage. Things like that. For an addict it's flaunting it in our faces. Teasing us until we are alone, then bam you are looking at it again.

My wife doesn't like it either, and I'm working very hard to quit. It's an every day battle. It's also very shameful for us. If you really want to stay with him, be understanding he's addicted. Admitting that he is will be the hardest part. I denied it for years, until I got to the point I felt sick when i was looking, as i knew I couldn't stop myself.

If I fall down now, I tell her and apologize. She says ok, asks me if I know what triggered me, and we move forward.

Hope that offers some insight.


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## Leeloob (Apr 11, 2016)

We have a 100 % openess and honesty policy. 
We both have every password for EVERYTHING each other engage in online. Google Location History tracks our every movement. 
It's been like this for a year now and I (FWS) don't even think about it. I don't feel monitored. It's actually nice to know that my BS at any point is able to access and see my whereabouts if anything should happen to me. He told me recently that it had been several months since he checked up on me last. He didn't feel the need


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

I think I'm going to get the book. He still says he wasn't addicted. That it was just a bad habit. But unfortunately I still don't if he really has stopped looking or not. If he really has stopped looking, then maybe it was just a bad habit. But if he hasn't and is still hiding it from me, then I definitely think it's an addiction. I don't know, I feel like I'm still learning. Maybe it would be good for me to read this book too.

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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

And we have that too, but that still doesn't stop him from picking and choosing what he leaves on his cell phone history. Unfortunately, he can delete only what he wants to delete from his history.

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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

If he's doing this at home, the easiest is to enable the "net nanny" type logger on your wifi router if you have one. It will reveal websites visited in the home. It's not perfect, but it's a start.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Imovedforthis (Dec 18, 2015)

This is what I would do... 
I would get nanny cams set up in your house. Or some type of cameras. If he's watching porn he most likely is doing it at home. (Or so I really hope)
Def try to get some type of key logger on your home computer and something for the cell phone. 
I know the cell phone is tricky since you have to have access to it first. 
I've had issues with my husband and this in the past. Honestly I think getting an iPhone just made it worse bc now there are no mags and videos laying around, or proof from the internet history on the computer. And with those smartphones they can do inprivate browsing and nobody ever knows. 
There are some great phone spy stuff but I have no clue about those.

If I wanted to catch my husband watching porn I would set up cameras all around in here and put a VAR in his car.  

Hopefully he isn't... But I know from my husband it is hard to just quit. He would always say that during stressful times that's how he "coped". He doesn't drink or do drugs so I always kind of accepted that. But then he would also throw in "it's better than me going out and cheating".  like that's a proper way to "cope" with stress. Ugh 

I feel your pain. I hate porn as well. And I feel bad to even admit that as I've used it for myself in the past! 
The thing I hate about it the most is how men use it so much and then forget they have a wife... 
And then it makes women feel like they have to compete with someone they don't even know. 

It's hard to trust after knowing they like porn. 
I don't think my husband has looked at any in a long time. But only bc he no longer has a smart phone, he has a phone that can't even get online, our computer at home has a key logger and I'm always here. For now that works... 


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

He wasn't doing it at home. He works at a body shop. He was doing it at work.

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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Is the porn a problem because of the lack of interest in you, or did you have a problem with it before that happened?

I'm trying to figure it if it's an escape from you or if he prefers it to you.
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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

PieOhMy said:


> I think I'm going to get the book. He still says he wasn't addicted. That it was just a bad habit. But unfortunately I still don't if he really has stopped looking or not. If he really has stopped looking, then maybe it was just a bad habit. But if he hasn't and is still hiding it from me, then I definitely think it's an addiction. I don't know, I feel like I'm still learning. Maybe it would be good for me to read this book too.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


I'm thinking more in terms of him wanting something he gets from porn that he doesn't get from you. 

Could that be the case?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Maybe he feels he wants so much sex that if he asked you for it as much as he wants it, you'd feel used?

Using porn might be a useful way of insulating himself from reality.

If he masturbates whilst thinking of you, he might feel guilty. Or he might start fantasising about someone he knows. 

So, better to use images of a girl from Nowhereville who he will never, ever meet in real life?

Unlike me when I was single. I was looking at a porn magazine with an amateur section and found a photograph of a friend I'd had the hots for when I with her at college! Oops!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I knew a guy that preferred porn to his wife (who wanted to have sex with him) simply because porn didn't judge his performance or desires. 

I'm not saying it's right.
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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

marduk said:


> I knew a guy that preferred porn to his wife (who wanted to have sex with him) simply because porn didn't judge his performance or desires.
> 
> I'm not saying it's right.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agree, but who wants to go out on a dinner date with someone who constantly berates you on a routine basis? The answer is to get to the root cause of the issue, but I can understand the appeal of porn if you don't have the stomach to fix the issues.


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

I never liked porn. I always thought the industry was kind of nasty and always felt bad for the girls. I also always thought it was weird that for many guys, they literally can't stop looking at it. 

He knew this, and still says that he was never really into it until about a year ago. 

The other week he said he hasn't looked at porn but that it's really hard for him not to. 

That weirded me out. It makes it hard for me to want to be intimate with him. 

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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Porn is not your biggest problem here my Lady.

Go and re-read your other threads


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

No its not, but if I want to be intimate with him, we have to get past the porn. If he can't talk to me about it without freaking out on me, I'm not going to feel like it's getting better. Especially if we're still only have sex once or twice every 2 weeks. 

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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

PieOhMy said:


> No its not, but if I want to be intimate with him, we have to get past the porn. If he can't talk to me about it without freaking out on me, I'm not going to feel like it's getting better. Especially if we're still only have sex once or twice every 2 weeks.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


I am not blaming you,no way. Please forgive me,maybe I didnt write my opinion the best way I should.

Your Husband is the only one to blame. I read all your threads since 2011 and you are a good woman. He should treat you a lot better.
He never put you in the first place. There was and still is other people who are more important to him then you are.

Now you are having intimcy problems and to be honest it is normal in some way. Look at his behaviour since 2011-2016 and how he acts around you and treats you. He should change and really think about his life and his Marriage.

You are really strong if you keep living like this for so long. 
Best wishes to you and stay strong.


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