# No sex since marriage



## Hubby625 (Feb 23, 2012)

Hi, I'm initiating this thread as I found this a very matured crowd.

I'm married for 9 months now. I knew my wife for a long time before our marriage, and it remains a very comfortable relationship. We find ourselves extremely happy, except for the fact that we have not had sex.

I masturbate and we masturbate each other. We both are virgins and her fear of pain due to first time sex remains a mind-block for her. And I have been trying to be not too pushy. Is there something wrong with us? Can anyone advice on how to go ahead?


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

If this is a problem, she could go to the doctors to have her hyman sergically cut. I believe it's quite painless.


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## Hubby625 (Feb 23, 2012)

I believe it is more psychological. Is this too silly a case to refer to a counsellor or a therapist?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

This is not healthy in my opinion. Your both missing out with the best gift God has given us. Sex is absolutely wonderful. It will bring you both closer together, a bond like no other. 

Good luck. A sex therapist maybe able to help. I agree that it's psychological. There should be no pain, unless you go too fast at first.

I couldn't imagine my life without it. Try using a k-y gel, this works very well.


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## finebyme72 (Jul 12, 2011)

This is very likely psychological and definitely requires counseling as it is abnormal. I was dating a gal like that for a long time and we could never get over the roadblock of sex pain for her so we never had sex.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I would tell her she has to find a way to become sexual, through therapy or whatever other means she can think of, or you will file for an annullment.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

If you can help it dont go to doctor to do it. Try your best to do it yourself. A girl makes a bond with the one who takes her virginity away. I cant think of any other reason its there for. 
Someone must have told her this. Most likely someone who doesnt like men. You have to get other women like her mother to tell her the truth. You can also try a bit at a time. Remember its not fully blocked. Just enlarge it a bit at a time.


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## Blondboy44 (Feb 23, 2012)

Sounds like she needs to relax a little. Maybe a nice dinner out with a lot of champagne? If she likes mutual masturbation, that is not bad! Wish I had that going for me.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

The main reason men marry women is for sex. A marriage is, by nature, a sexual relationship. So you are definitely not in a healthy marriage.

If your wife is unwilling to bite the bullet and have sex, then she needs to see a sex therapist. And she needs to do it 9 months ago.

Good luck.


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## VeryShyGirl (Feb 18, 2010)

Does she use tampons? You say she masterbates so she's ok with fingers in there? Having sex shouldn't be a whole lot different. I experienced zero pain my first time. She either needs to start trying to ease into it or get professional help.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Hubby625, seek sexual counseling to help the two of you to learn how to sexually connect and consummate your marriage. 



PHTlump said:


> The main reason men marry women is for sex. A marriage is, by nature, a sexual relationship. So you are definitely not in a healthy marriage.


I beg to differ. Sex is a must have ingredient in a healthy marriage but a man marries a woman because he loves, trusts and respects her and he believes she marries him for the same reasons.

A man doesn't need to get married to have sex. I'm not married but I am in a committed relationship with a woman with whom I enjoy a very happy and healthy sex life.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Two things here - one in the physical realm and one in the emotional.

For the physical realm, she should be willing to go to her doctor/ob-gyn for a routine well lady visit and get everything examined. If she is unusually small or worried about pain, you can actually buy vaginal dilators - they start out in a very small size and you work your way up to larger sizes. This will gently over time stretch things out so that there shouldn't be any pain.

Next, the emotional. If she has this much fear about something that is a very normal function, then she perhaps has some characteristics - such as anxiety or obsession - that she needs to learn to get a handle on. She may need professional help in order to do that.

Lastly, are you two able to be intimate in other ways - manual/oral, etc.?

Oh, yes - and about you? Why so willing to wait so long? Ask yourself some hard questions as to why you cannot lead her in this area. You don't have to be a hard-nose, but you should be able to let her know this is unacceptable. You should not have to continue to defer your desires to hers all the time - you could be setting yourself up for a very lop-sided marital dynamic in that case. Your concerns and desires are just as legitimate.

Best wishes.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

morituri said:


> I beg to differ. Sex is a must have ingredient in a healthy marriage but a man marries a woman because he loves, trusts and respects her and he believes she marries him for the same reasons.


IMO, I love trust and respect many women in my life. None of them are married to me. I married my wife because I love trust respect and enjoy SEX, special, precious, meaningful, sex.

Sex is the difference, and it is the most important reason I got married to my wife. If I didn't need sex in my life I would have NEVER gotten married. I would have had many friends, been a parent, gotten my career, and done everything else the same. Raising a child out of marriage is difficult, yet many parents still do it. Thus, for my son, and for SEX, I got married... To the most loving, respectable, and trustworthy woman out of all the women I have met I might add... Monogamous Sex is the ONLY quality that separates a marriage from other relationships. I can cite any friendship that has all of those qualities you said but don't contain sex. They are not marriages or sexual relationships. They are just friendships.

Sex is the difference. Without it, all the other things you mentioned could be found across many friendships. Monogamous sex is the essential characteristic of a marriage, so I agree 110% with PHTlump and all of my male friends in my social circles think exactly the same way.



morituri said:


> A man doesn't need to get married to have sex. I'm not married but I am in a committed relationship with a woman with whom I enjoy a very happy and healthy sex life.


Respectfully, you may be with her for all those things TOO, but if it wasn't for sex, I doubt you would be romantically committed to her, barred from other sexual relationship options. Presuming I'm not wrong in saying that (Correct me if so), you are with her most certainly for sex.

Now, saying that men get married for sex DOES NOT EQUAL that that is ALL men get married for. One does not equal the other. On the contrary, many of us guys here can profess very passionately the MANY reasons we are married to our treasured wives. However, the only distinction that absolutely categorizes our drive to having gotten married in the first place is that of having gotten married for sex.

Just sharing my opinion, but that is DEFINITELY why most men get married, including me, PROUDLY. 

Men have nothing to be ashamed of in asserting that the reason they married their lovely, trustworthy, respectable lady with similar views instead of remaining friends with their lovely trustworthy, respectable lady with similar views WAS their desire to sign up to have lots of sex with said lady.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Blondboy44 said:


> Sounds like she needs to relax a little. Maybe a nice dinner out with a lot of champagne? If she likes mutual masturbation, that is not bad! Wish I had that going for me.


I read your thread, sir. Hang in there, yourself. There are lots of great guys on this forum that have avoided the brainwashing by society of male sexuality being evil/primitive/etc. Of course, I have run into the posts of some men on this forum before, as well, which could have virtually come from a femenazi user instead of a man. You'll spot the difference.

I hope you get your problems solved here, too, and I hope we are able come up with ideas.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> The main reason men marry women is for sex. A marriage is, by nature, a sexual relationship.


Without a doubt!

Hard to accept for some reason, mostly from highly femenized psychobabble/secular perspectives, but in my opinion a basic principle.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Two things here - one in the physical realm and one in the emotional.
> 
> For the physical realm, she should be willing to go to her doctor/ob-gyn for a routine well lady visit and get everything examined. If she is unusually small or worried about pain, you can actually buy vaginal dilators - they start out in a very small size and you work your way up to larger sizes. This will gently over time stretch things out so that there shouldn't be any pain.
> 
> ...


By mentioning the emotional, you've prompted to think that to give advice fairly we must ask the OP (though he said he's not being pushy) if he's truly making the efforts he needs to be making to meet her emotional needs. We know he is more than willing to meet the physical ones (which he deserves to have met for himself), but I'd wonder what her side to the story would be?


OP, have you asked her what things you could do to make her feel more comfortable? Are you going out of your way to make her feel loved, special, and unique? It was mentioned before and I hate to sound like I'm suggesting this can be resolved through alcohol, but could maybe having a few drinks and unwinding a bit help?

I don't mean to ask something of an indiscretion, but troubleshooting effectively requires us to. Do you have any knowledge or suspicion of a past sexual abuse of some sort? Could it be possible?


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## Hubby625 (Feb 23, 2012)

Thanks guys for some level-headed comments and advice here.

Someone asked why she is ok with masturbation, so why not sex. Masturbation to her is just giving some stimuli to her clitoris, which doesn't really count as a insertion. Hence, she's comfortable with it. Her anxiety or fear lies with the fact that she might feel unbearable pain when intercourse happens.

About her emotional needs. She is very happy with me. Often she feels bad that she has not gotten into the right frame of mind to let me do it with her. But otherwise, we're a very happy couple. We go on trips, long drives, dinner-dates. We enjoy long kisses and touching each other, but it just doesn't go far enough to have sex.

Also, we have tried to have an intercourse. But her face changes altogether, and I can see a lot of child-like-fear and I feel sorry for her. Her change of expressions just doesn't let me go forward. I love her a lot, I cannot rape her the first-time we have sex. I want it to be special (it might be a bit uncomfortable), but we should perhaps do it out of our own free will and not because I need it, and she's just too scared to open to it.

I'm just a bit worried that now it's getting too late. We both work, and work takes a lot of our time. The little time we get to be with each other is something that we cherish, but I fear that perhaps we are settling into a relationship where sex would no longer be important. Perhaps, I'm being paranoid about this whole thing, and extrapolating the leading events in an inappropriate manner. I'm just concerned, any bit of help would by much appreciated.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Hubby625 said:


> Also, we have tried to have an intercourse. But her face changes altogether, and I can see a lot of child-like-fear and I feel sorry for her. Her change of expressions just doesn't let me go forward. I love her a lot, I cannot rape her the first-time we have sex. I want it to be special (it might be a bit uncomfortable), but we should perhaps do it out of our own free will and not because I need it, and she's just too scared to open to it.


And people in hell want ice water. The fact is that you married a woman who is terrified of sex with you. So you both have to work together to fix that. Is she in counseling for this problem? If not, why not? If she is avoiding counseling, that suggests that she doesn't see it as a problem. And that, in itself, is a problem. You may need to just power through her fears to prove to her that it's not as bad as she's imagining.

Will your first time be magical and romantic? No. But that's not going to happen anyway, so why not just make it happen.

As for rape, unless she says, "no," it's not rape. Remember that.



Hubby625 said:


> I'm just a bit worried that now it's getting too late. We both work, and work takes a lot of our time. The little time we get to be with each other is something that we cherish, but I fear that perhaps we are settling into a relationship where sex would no longer be important. Perhaps, I'm being paranoid about this whole thing, and extrapolating the leading events in an inappropriate manner. I'm just concerned, any bit of help would by much appreciated.


I say it's too late to worry about settling into a sexless relationship. You did that on your honeymoon. You are now in a sexless relationship.

If you want to be in a healthy, sexual marriage, you either have to have sex with your wife, or get your marriage annulled so that you can find a woman who is willing to have sex with you.

Good luck.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She has a fear of sex.
You have to tell her that she must get over it, or the marriage will have to end. Your enabling behavior is preventing her from changing her mindset. It will not change with you being nice and understanding. If your wife loves you and your marriage, she will work hard to keep it. This will not result in divorce unless your wife refuses to work on it, which will only occur if she does not care to be married to you.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Why does she think it will be so overwhelmingly painful? For most women, they expect a little discomfort but the reward is worth it. What has given her the impression that this is going to be so painful that she is not even willing to try? Can you try expanding your current play with her by inserting your fingers and see how that feels for her? 

You don't want to rape her, that's great. But she married you knowing that sex is part of the deal. She needs to find a way to work with you to get over this issue, slowly and lovingly, or get into counseling ASAP.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> The main reason men marry women is for sex. A marriage is, by nature, a sexual relationship.


Not my husband. He does have a high sex drive, but he married me for a life partner, someone to grow old with, someone to share experiences and travel with, someone to share affection with, to be his best friend, to have children, ext...

I do agree that sex is a big part of marriage, but I can guarantee you it's not at the top of his list and it is not why he married me. My husband is a very romantic man and nice man.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

That look on her face indicates to me that it's possible that she has been abused at some point. Can you tell if her hymen is still intact? I would suggest her seeing a sex therapist. They will work with her mental state and prob recommend that you gradually build up putting larger and larger toys in until
she can handle the size of your penis. Do you think she might be
afraid of getting pregnant?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Oh also has she had a pelvic exam? If so she's already had something the size of a penis.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Not my husband. He does have a high sex drive, but he married me for a life partner, someone to grow old with, someone to share experiences and travel with, someone to share affection with, to be his best friend, to have children, ext...
> 
> I do agree that sex is a big part of marriage, but I can guarantee you it's not at the top of his list and it is not why he married me. My husband is a very romantic man and nice man.


Sure. There are exceptions to every rule. I never said that the only reason every man gets married is for sex. It's just the primary reason for most men.


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