# Am i being used?



## lorez9993 (Feb 20, 2013)

Hi there...need advice. Been dating a divorced dad and it's only been about 6 months.

However, he went from being a very successful businessman to being wiped clean by his ex-wife. For awhile ...he would pay for dinner or a drink here and there...but now it sounds like he can't even afford to pay his alimony -- let alone anything for me.

I got into the habit of picking up the tab...so he could relax..stop freaking out about money. He was about to have a meltdown! And I don't blame him..

But now...I'm starting to worry. He is flat broke. And while he apologizes for the status he's in...he is still flat broke.

He wanted to go skiing this weekend with his family..and I initially offered to pay for the trip -- for ONE night. But, now he was considering going for 2. ANd of course..I would have to pay.

I just worry about this... what advice could you offer me?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Quit paying for stuff and start seeing him only when whatever you're doing is free.

If his family want him to go skiing THEY can pay.

And before you commit further, do up a budget with him. Do NOT move in with him or anything like that till you have a clear view of his finances.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

LOL if he has skis and wants to go skiing, let him get a sidejob as a ski instructor weekends/evenings. Bonus if you like to ski you can hit him up for free tix. That's the way it works in my home territory. If someone can't get something for themselves, before they go accepting charity, they try to figure out what they can trade for it, if there is no money. (I got my extra ski tix by subbing as a newspaper delivery person in the wee hours over the summer.)

What is concerning is someone who would let another person do this for him must have an over-inflated sense of entitlement. Sure he got wiped clean, but you know what, he allowed that to happen in some way or another. If he was a smart whippet, he could have kept at least a bit of spending money in his wallet. Or figured out a lifestyle that would put some there. Oh wait, he did that. 

Don't pat yourself on the back and tell yourself you are turning the tables gender-wise and being 'equal.' Even smart men these days will blatantly ask outright about if a job pays well, etc. before committing to a relationship, and sometimes even a date!

As for love, well, if you care about yourself you will guard your heart and not be too involved or committed to a guy who might end up costing you dearly in the long run, even when you're not involved in the enjoyment of the spending of the money.


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## lorez9993 (Feb 20, 2013)

Well, I feel really awkward now because I already (stupidly) offered to pay for the weekend away...but now it's tough because he has told people we are going etc...and he just told me he can't even afford groceries for his house this week.

His ex really wiped him clean -- and he also said that he can't afford to pay next month's alimony... I am NOT helping him in that area...def not. 

I just don't know what to do now..that I've already half committed to it..


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

He is not ready to be in a relationship with you or anybody else. It is very demeaning to a man not to be able to afford things, especially to take out a woman he is really into. He is going for 2 days now, he doesnt have much pride. In my opinion yes he is using you otherwise he would be ashamed. He will eventually resent this "help" you are giving him because even though he takes it, it ultimately makes him feel bad about himself.

This doesnt mean you cant or shouldnt be there for or stand by a good man who is down on his luck. To me this says this man is a taker .He has no issue asking you to spend more. He is already hinting he needs more money,cant afford this...that... hoping you will offer and he will gladly take it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well if you already committed then do it, but tell him this will be the last time. And then make sure it IS the last time.

Is his family aware of his financial problems? If not, this would be a good time to talk to them about it.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Hmm if he can't afford to pay and wants you to pay, he needs to show what his actual finances are. 
Does he have a good job? 
I would want to see where his money goes before I paid for everything. 

I wasn't left in a great financial position after divorce as my settlement hasn't come through, but I still try and pay for things with my fiancé when I can. 

It sounds like he is just taking advantage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

If he's flat broke, how is he paying for utilities or the roof over his head or gas for his car? I assume he pays rent or has a mortgage. As far as being totally wiped out, do you have verifiable proof of that? I've never known a judge to strip a person of their entire portfolio in a divorce case, regardless of whether the judgment was rendered in a community property or equity state.

I'm not you, but here's what I would do. I would say a big fat "no" to the weekend. Who cares what anyone else thinks? You've only been dating this guy for six months. He claims he's wiped out, financially. But he's perfectly willing to sponge off of you.

Doesn't sound like much of a catch to me.


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## lorez9993 (Feb 20, 2013)

well his ex stayed home with the kids -- never worked. So, I think he's in shock at how well a woman can do for herself..

I like to travel and do fun things -- and I KNOW he does too -- but the last time we went away -- I had to pay for meals and hotel. Everything...and I think it will be the same way this time.

I am also looking at side businesses etc..I'm a go getter in that sense...as I think he is...but right now -- he's done. His divorce lasted YEARS and now he has to pay the legal bills too. It's not pretty for him..and he bought her out -- of her share of the house. So it left him with nothing BUT the house...which is still heavily financed! 

So I asked him if he wanted to do a bit of a working weekend...brainstorming etc.. and he sort of agreed to it..and then just told me how badly he wanted to go out to ski ...and I keep thinking..."I" want to be working...

He also has 4 kids -- so his child support must be enormous too... 

I really like him...but I just don't know if I can afford to stay in this type of relationship. financially and emotionally


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

lorez9993 said:


> I initially offered to pay for the trip -- for ONE night. But, now he was considering going for 2. ANd of course..I would have to pay.
> 
> I just worry about this... what advice could you offer me?


THIS. In answer to your question, YES you are being used.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

I got wiped out in my divorce too and my SO makes great money. I probably don't pay for half but maybe a third of our dates would be accurate. He took me to one super nice restaurant and I felt like crap. I asked him to please not do that on a regular basis because I felt bad. We have been very open about finances etc. he obviously knows I'm not in it for the money. My point is this....this guy does not feel even a little bit bad and this is a really bad sign. Yes, he's using you.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

lorez9993 said:


> Well, I feel really awkward now because I already (stupidly) offered to pay for the weekend away...but now it's tough because he has told people we are going etc...and he just told me he can't even afford groceries for his house this week.
> 
> His ex really wiped him clean -- and he also said that he can't afford to pay next month's alimony... I am NOT helping him in that area...def not.
> 
> *I just don't know what to do now..that I've already half committed to it..*


Tell him, I'm sorry but I overestimated my budget so we wont be able to go away for the weekend. Honestly, I dont think a relationship between us would be good for me. We are just in different places. We both have other things we need to focus on. Take care!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

lorez9993 said:


> ... the last time we went away -- I had to pay for meals and hotel. Everything...and I think it will be the same way this time.
> 
> So I asked him if he wanted to do a bit of a working weekend...brainstorming etc.. and he sort of agreed to it..and then just told me how badly he wanted to go out to ski ...and I keep thinking..."I" want to be working...
> 
> I really like him...but I just don't know if I can afford to stay in this type of relationship. financially and emotionally


I don't get it. I just don't get it. This guy is whining he wants to go skiing on YOUR dime. You have to know on some level that you're being taken advantage of, but you "really like him." 

What the heck is there to like about some guy who is mooching off you? You are paying this man to be your companion. 

Sorry, but this one has me baffled. Seriously.:scratchhead:


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

lorez9993 said:


> Well, I feel really awkward now because I already (stupidly) offered to pay for the weekend away...but now it's tough because he has told people we are going etc...and he just told me he can't even afford groceries for his house this week.
> 
> His ex really wiped him clean -- and he also said that he can't afford to pay next month's alimony... I am NOT helping him in that area...def not.
> 
> I just don't know what to do now..that I've already half committed to it..



The truth s*cks, but he probably knows it's coming.
If he can't afford groceries and he can't afford alimony, he needs a second and third job. He will have little to no time for dating. And if he does have time, it should be spent with his children. So if you must insist on following through on your commitment, and you are also going, make it a great weekend. Then tell him he needs to be taking care of his own obligations and you understand if he needs the time for taking on more work. This gives him a way to save face, and it makes it look as though you are understanding of his need to take on more work. Whether he does or not is none of your business. You can simply say you are out of money for dating, and you're happy to go for a walk.

Don't get pregnant on the weekend, if you're getting separate rooms from the kids.

My hobby is working too. I like to have fun but it's when I have time to have fun or really need to get out and get perspective. I'm leery of getting into a relationship with a precedent of spending. One thing I liked about the guy I dated during the summer, is we always cooked at home and went for walks and the very occasional bike ride. He turned out to be unsuitable for many reasons, but dating finances weren't one of them.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> .and he just told me he can't even afford groceries for his house this week.



:scratchhead:


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> If he can't afford groceries and he can't afford alimony, he needs a second and third job. He will have little to no time for dating. And if he does have time, it should be spent with his children.


But...he is going on a two day skiing trip with his "GF".


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Let me guess. If you pay for a ski weekend, he'll finally let you meet his kids?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

COGypsy said:


> Let me guess. If you pay for a ski weekend, he'll finally let you meet his kids?


Maybe after the week end????


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

COGypsy said:


> Let me guess. If you pay for a ski weekend, he'll finally let you meet his kids?


And then he will ask her to marry him and they will live together happily ever after!:smthumbup:


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## lorez9993 (Feb 20, 2013)

The main problem is me...I think I was too nice ...and it is allowing him to have the same expectation going forward.

He said...why don't we just stay home...I don't feel happy ...and I said..well we can at least do SOMETHING -- we can go for one night. aNd then today... he said...ohhhh it snowed. We should go there for a long weekend! THen he told me "what the heck -- I took friday off of work..." (he gets paid days off).... So now the expectation is that we will be going for 2 nights --3 days. THIS after he told me he just told his attorney he can't pay a dime...he can barely survive.

THe divorce is just becoming final -- so this is a new budget for him. He bought out his ex -- from their home. So he used every resource he had...

He is very smart and driven...I know he will be successful long term...but right now...it's looking bleak for me.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> THen he told me "what the heck -- I took friday off of work..."


Yeah WHAT the heck! YOU CAN PAY FOR IT...Why not???!!!Sounds FUN to ME!!! I'm OFF!!!


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

dallasapple said:


> And then he will ask her to marry him and they will live together happily ever after!:smthumbup:


Exactly! Why pay for just a boy-toy when you can get the instant family too!


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

lorez9993 said:


> Well, I feel really awkward now because I already (stupidly) offered to pay for the weekend away...but now it's tough because he has told people we are going etc...and he just told me he can't even afford groceries for his house this week. I just don't know what to do now..that I've already half committed to it..


Snap out of it. Adults are allowed to change their mind, rethink bad decisions and redecide a better decision. Do not pay for this trip. If he gets upset then you know he was using you. 

What you are looking for is for him to say he totally understands. 

His accepting your money for his personal bills is not cool. get a real man.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

COGypsy said:


> Exactly! Why pay for just a boy-toy when you can get the instant family too!


But can she afford it?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

lorez9993 said:


> aNd then today... he said...ohhhh it snowed. We should go there for a long weekend! THen he told me "what the heck -- I took friday off of work..." (he gets paid days off).... So now the expectation is that we will be going for 2 nights --3 days. THIS after he told me he just told his attorney he can't pay a dime...he can barely survive.
> 
> THe divorce is just becoming final
> 
> He is very smart and driven...


Okay, I could be wrong, but I don't think so. You don't respond to anyone's comments. And you keep going on about this weekend you're bankrolling. I'm not buying this. Like I said, I could be wrong, but your post strikes me as bogus, for some reason.

I mean, you are literate. You sound like you have some brains. But you keep complaining about this a$$clown. 

He EXPECTS you to pay for a long weekend.

He JUST got divorced.

Oh, yeah, but he's "very smart and driven." 

And this makes you ...????


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## lorez9993 (Feb 20, 2013)

Well I am real. And apparently I'm just an idiot. I could tell him no.. I'm sure I could. And it's probably what I should do. The problem is I already said I would do it. 
He took a day off work...

So it sounds like I should dump him? 



Prodigal said:


> Okay, I could be wrong, but I don't think so. You don't respond to anyone's comments. And you keep going on about this weekend you're bankrolling. I'm not buying this. Like I said, I could be wrong, but your post strikes me as bogus, for some reason.
> 
> I mean, you are literate. You sound like you have some brains. But you keep complaining about this a$$clown.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> Okay, I could be wrong, but I don't think so. You don't respond to anyone's comments. And you keep going on about this weekend you're bankrolling. I'm not buying this. Like I said, I could be wrong, but your post strikes me as bogus, for some reason.
> 
> I mean, you are literate. You sound like you have some brains. But you keep complaining about this a$$clown.
> 
> ...


You mean like a romance novel in reverse?


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Prodigal said:


> Okay, I could be wrong, but I don't think so. You don't respond to anyone's comments. And you keep going on about this weekend you're bankrolling. I'm not buying this. Like I said, I could be wrong, but your post strikes me as bogus, for some reason.


Fifth user name, same story. Do ya think it could be bogus???


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> So it sounds like I should dump him?


But you already said you would pay for it.....

I'm not being sarcastic but how old are you ?


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## lorez9993 (Feb 20, 2013)

I am real. I'm sorry if you take my story as fake. I am an intelligent woman who came here for help. My bad. 



COGypsy said:


> Fifth user name, same story. Do ya think it could be bogus???


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

I don't know that you have to dump him but at least take a step back at minimum. Stop paying for everything and offer free ideas and see what he says and how he behaves. If he walks or acts like a child you should definitely be done


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## lorez9993 (Feb 20, 2013)

I'm 37. 



dallasapple said:


> But you already said you would pay for it.....
> 
> I'm not being sarcastic but how old are you ?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> Fifth user name, same story. Do ya think it could be bogus???


Thanks, CO. I didn't know about the different user names. I haven't seen this post before. But I've been on here long enough to know when the poster's responses don't quite jibe. And this one doesn't. 

Especially after the response I just read from the OP'er. Either it's a troll or she's not the sharpest pencil in the box.

Yep. Bogus. I'm outta here.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

How many ways can you ask the same question? Seriously, what is really wrong with you? Every weekend there is the same issue -- you plan to go off somewhere, on your dime, he always wants to do stuff with you that will get him some nooky, on your dime. 

Maybe you just keep doing this and you want to vent about it, and maybe you really want to stop, but can't because he is your only companionship. Why not just say that? Then maybe you could get some classic TAM answers that will be some tough love but that will help you get to a place where you feel better about yourself.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

COGypsy said:


> Fifth user name, same story. Do ya think it could be bogus???


:scratchhead:


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

lorez9993 said:


> I am real. I'm sorry if you take my story as fake. I am an intelligent woman who came here for help. My bad.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you're so intelligent, then recognize you're in a "pay for play" situation. If you can't handle the price tag, quit buying his package.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> How many ways can you ask the same question? Seriously, what is really wrong with you? Every weekend there is the same issue -- you plan to go off somewhere, on your dime, he always wants to do stuff with you that will get him some nooky, on your dime.
> 
> Maybe you just keep doing this and you want to vent about it, and maybe you really want to stop, but can't because he is your only companionship. Why not just say that? Then maybe you could get some classic TAM answers that will be some tough love but that will help you get to a place where you feel better about yourself.


yeah like how old are you? is your acne medication helping or not and how much weight have you lost.

OH AND GET RID OF THE DOM (yes you are being used)


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

ANSWER A QUESTION..

1) HOW OLD ARE YOU ?

BASIC question...

I agree with the other posters..YOU are recycling your self this isn't your first post..

WE didnt just fall off the turnip truck!(maybe the potato truck but NOT the turnip!)


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> .


:iagree:


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> :iagree:


Lol I was actually talking to you but you figured it out after I hit send.

Can't delete my post on my iPad so I just put a "."


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## lorez9993 (Feb 20, 2013)

I responded at 8:50. See above. I said I'm 37. Please refrain from bashing me or making false accusations. 



dallasapple said:


> ANSWER A QUESTION..
> 
> 1) HOW OLD ARE YOU ?
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Lol I was actually talking to you but you figured it out after I hit send.
> 
> Can't delete my post on my iPad so I just put a "."



:smthumbup:

I thought so!!!!


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

lorez9993 said:


> I responded at 8:50. See above. I said I'm 37. Please refrain from bashing me or making false accusations.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not "bashing you"..

Your title is "am I being used".

My answer YES. I will go further and say you are ALLOWING your self to be used..

Sorry if that is "bashing".

I did suspect maybe you were very young..my bad..I was wrong.


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## lorez9993 (Feb 20, 2013)

Yes I am enabling. Maybe I'm crazy, but I think there is some merit to being there for your partner. But at 6 months, I feel like I'm constantly having to lift him up emotionally and financially. Our time together is limited because of his children. But, when we are together and he let's loose.. We really enjoy each other's company. I guess I just wonder when am I being supportive and when am I being walked on. 

I think I could back off and say "no" etc but I am beginning to question our future if this is life for him. He has a lot of children and they are his priority. And he will be paying his ex "indefinitely". 

Not exactly a pretty picture... If this is long term. 



dallasapple said:


> I'm not "bashing you"..
> 
> Your title is "am I being used".
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Is he into you? Does he call you often? Is he emotionally supportive? Money isn't everything. If he isn't emotionally invested in you then he is using you.


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## lorez9993 (Feb 20, 2013)

He is into me.., to a degree. However he will only text for days.... When he's juggling work and his kids. I've brought this up to him before and he's said well you can call too.. And he was right. I wasn't calling. So I started trying to call. I did that 2 days ago.. Had a short yet pleasant conversation. However he did not call me yesterday or today. Only texting about this trip and his financial woes. 

Maybe my assessment of "into me" is off? I'm not sure.. 

He seems to genuinely care about me but then again I haven't had many issues in my life from which to judge of that's true. 



curlysue321 said:


> Is he into you? Does he call you often? Is he emotionally supportive? Money isn't everything. If he isn't emotionally invested in you then he is using you.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lorez9993 said:


> He is into me.., to a degree. However he will only text for days.... When he's juggling work and his kids. I've brought this up to him before and he's said well you can call too.. And he was right. I wasn't calling. So I started trying to call. I did that 2 days ago.. Had a short yet pleasant conversation. However he did not call me yesterday or today. Only texting about this trip and his financial woes.
> 
> Maybe my assessment of "into me" is off? I'm not sure..
> 
> He seems to genuinely care about me but then again I haven't had many issues in my life from which to judge of that's true.


He's taken your offer for one day and very ungraciously decided that take advantage of your good nature by pushing you into 2 days. Personally I would not go because of the way he’s handled this. He’s trying to force you to pay for his vacation. And I would tell him exactly why.

This is a test. He’s testing you to see how far he can push you and use you. You don’t have healthy boundaries. So while you know what he’s doing is wrong and abusive you want to be ‘nice’ and not tell him no. If you go along with this you are doing even more to set up a dynamic where you foot the bill for your relationship with him.

I seriously doubt the story he is telling you about his finances. A very driven, smart man does not buy his ex out of the house and put himself in the position of not being able to buy groceries. I think he’s lying to you. He knows that you are soft touch and he can take advantage of you. That’s what he’s doing.

You brought up that people who care for each other help each other out and give each other support. Well that's when the two people share a life together and are working to build something together. He will only see you every couple of weeks on the weekend. You do not have the kind of relationship with him that warrents you giving him as much as you are giving him. 

The first thing he would have to do to deserve your good nature and generosity is for him to let you read all of his divorce papers to include his income and expense statements and let you see how much money he has in investments, bank accounts, etc. He would also have to bring you into his life a lot more than he is.

Oh, and stop making new accounts. It's a lot easier to keep up with you if you use one account.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

So you have been dating a guy whose divorce isn't final.

He has 4 kids and alimony to pay for an ex
You have been paying for everything. He blows hot and cold.

Let's get real. You are thinking of his potential as a long term partner.

I can guarantee you the last thing a newly divorced guy wants who went through a long difficult divorce is to tie himself down to someone.

Yes, you are being used both financially and as someone to help him through his messy divorce. 

He isn't your partner. He is just someone you are dating.

This guys has so much baggage and will for a long long time. He has to be somewhat attractive and charming to get some sap to take on this mess of his.

I would suggest you cut your losses and find someone with a lot less baggage and someone who has been divorced for awhile.


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## lorez9993 (Feb 20, 2013)

I've never been in this type of situation before... He's got so much on him with the Money and DIvorce.... How do I step away from this? Without destroying him completely? 

Aside from what I've posted here ... I would like an opportunity of having my own child someday. He told me when met that it wasn't out of the question. But come on. He's got 4 kids and currently worries about buying them cars and paying for tuition. Having a baby is not on his radar. No matter what he says... 

It's easy to get caught up in the emotions but this is clearly written on the wall. 

So he took Friday off of work. And expects to go away... How do I back away?




Tigger said:


> So you have been dating a guy whose divorce isn't final.
> 
> He has 4 kids and alimony to pay for an ex
> You have been paying for everything. He blows hot and cold.
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lorez9993 said:


> I've never been in this type of situation before... He's got so much on him with the Money and DIvorce.... How do I step away from this? Without destroying him completely?


You are codependent… meaning that you put the needs of another person at a higher priority than your own to the point of seriously hurting yourself.

You are not going to destroy him you stop seeing him. He is most likely a person who thrives by finding codependent people to do things for him. What I’m seeing In the things you have told us is that he’s a manipulator and you are falling for his games hook, line and sinker.

What he will do it that he will go look for some other woman who has low self-esteem and is codependent to pay his way. And he will save his own money. Of course he will have all kinds of personal crisis all the time to give her lots of reasons why she has to pay his say and save him.

You are so being played by this guy.


lorez9993 said:


> Aside from what I've posted here ... I would like an opportunity of having my own child someday. He told me when met that it wasn't out of the question. But come on. He's got 4 kids and currently worries about buying them cars and paying for tuition. Having a baby is not on his radar. No matter what he says...


You are right that he’s not a good choice for the father of your future child. He has 4 children already. He claims that he has no money to even buy food. So how is he going to help you support a child? And what is he going to do with the children he has who he will not let you meet? Would he refuse to tell his other children about your child?

Have you ever seen his children? Do you know if they really exist? [I’ve seen people lie about things like this so I have to ask.]+


lorez9993 said:


> It's easy to get caught up in the emotions but this is clearly written on the wall.


Yes it’s apparently been easy for you to get caught up in emotions with him. You recognize this. So are you going to protect yourself and get away from this man?


lorez9993 said:


> So he took Friday off of work. And expects to go away... How do I back away?


1)	Tell him that you have come down with a bad case of the flu and cannot go. And you cannot see him this weekend because you don’t feel well and you do not want him to catch it from you.

Or

You are truthful and tell him that you are seriously bothered by the fact that he took your generous offer for a night stay and tried to take advantage of you by making it two days without consulting with you. Further, you are tired of him expecting you to pay for all dates. You are tired of him going days at a time with little to no contact, him not talking to you etc. You are just done with the relationship. This is all too much and you are done with the relationship. And tell him to not call you again.

Or tell him you are sick this weekend. Then write him an email and send it to him over the weekend or on Monday saying the above.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

You definitely aren't going to crush him.

Just tell him you have the flu and then either call or email him you don't think things are working out and end it like EleGirl said.

You want a baby but really this is a man who isn't even officially divorced, he already has 4 kids and a lot of debt. 

I'm curious if you have ever seen his kids or been to his place?


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

"I would like an opportunity of having my own child someday." 

Wait a minute! What happened to the daughter you had about 3 users ago? You know when he got ticked off that she was there so he couldn't get any nooky? Or do you mean a child with him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lorez9993 (Feb 20, 2013)

I would like a child of my own someday with the partner I find.. In life. Whomever that may be. 

I realize in the big picture... It won't be on his list of priorities... No matter what he says. He can't pay for his current situation... How will It change? It won't. 

He is looking for a better job and possibly starting a business. But that is his mission... Who knows how long that could take or if/when I could ever be factored into his life .. Long term. 

I have not met his children... But yes I have been to his house. 





committed4ever said:


> "I would like an opportunity of having my own child someday."
> 
> Wait a minute! What happened to the daughter you had about 3 users ago? You know when he got ticked off that she was there so he couldn't get any nooky? Or do you mean a child with him?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

lorez9993 said:


> I got into the habit of picking up the tab...so he could relax..stop freaking out about money. He was about to have a meltdown! And I don't blame him..
> 
> But now...I'm starting to worry. He is flat broke. And while he apologizes for the status he's in...he is still flat broke.


 Switch the sexes around where you are the guy and he is the women, would you even be asking this question? If answered truthfully, the answer would be no. Just saying.


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## lorez9993 (Feb 20, 2013)

Maybe the stereotypical roles come into question but I can honestly say I would feel awful if a man was paying for everything I did and my hotel etc when we went out of town. Heck I've even been driving and paying for the gas...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Oh, and stop making new accounts. It's a lot easier to keep up with you if you use one account.


She has to keep making new accounts because she is a troll who keeps being banned and deleted. She doesn't seem to take a hint either here or in her ridiculous relationship.


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## lorez9993 (Feb 20, 2013)

I am just here for advice. I honestly am. I don't know who you are associating me with... But I'm 37. Single woman... No children. Looking for a good partner in life. I thought I found it with my BF .. He's a good dad etc ...but these other issues are surfacing. I have been accused of being "too nice" so I came here for feedback. 





Soifon said:


> She has to keep making new accounts because she is a troll who keeps being banned and deleted. She doesn't seem to take a hint either here or in her ridiculous relationship.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I wish you could look at this situation from others eyes. If a friend had came to you and told you this information you would see some obvious things. This man is not in a position to date anyone right now. This is precisely why you do not begin a new relationship, before you end the first one. He has obviously over extended himself financially, maybe he would be better selling the house and downsizing. Your desire to support him is admirable, but may not actually be in his best interest. Ski trips are not necessities of life and he has to learn that lesson. To take a trip at someone else's expense when you don't have food or pay your child support does not sound like someone you want as a permanent partner. 

I don't know how to say this properly, but if there are two ways to take it, mine is meant the good way. While you are a young woman, the time that it takes to properly start a relationship, fall in love, get married, have a child takes some time and you don't want it to pass you by. Additionally, I think that you are settling for a less than desirable situation. He already has several children and that NEEDS to be his focus, but it doesn't have to be yours. I am not putting him down, I'm sure he has some good qualities, but this is not a good long term situation for you (in my humble opinion). My advise would be to terminate this relationship and move on to one that meets your long term goals in life. Best to pull off the band-aid fast.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

lorez9993 said:


> I am just here for advice. I honestly am. I don't know who you are associating me with... But I'm 37. Single woman... No children. Looking for a good partner in life. I thought I found it with my BF .. He's a good dad etc ...but these other issues are surfacing. I have been accused of being "too nice" so I came here for feedback.


:sleeping: This is boring, at least good trolls entertain me. I'm out of your thread now so you can keep asking the same stupid things. You should bring up the herpes again though that's always fun.


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## gbonham77 (Feb 21, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Quit paying for stuff and start seeing him only when whatever you're doing is free.
> 
> If his family want him to go skiing THEY can pay.
> 
> And before you commit further, do up a budget with him. Do NOT move in with him or anything like that till you have a clear view of his finances.


agree for this


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

lorez9993 said:


> Yes I am enabling. Maybe I'm crazy, but I think there is some merit to being there for your partner. But at 6 months, I feel like I'm constantly having to lift him up emotionally and financially. Our time together is limited because of his children. But, when we are together and he let's loose.. We really enjoy each other's company. I guess I just wonder when am I being supportive and when am I being walked on.
> 
> I think I could back off and say "no" etc but I am beginning to question our future if this is life for him. He has a lot of children and they are his priority. And he will be paying his ex "indefinitely".
> 
> ...


Yours is the third story I've read about this type of situation recently so perhaps it's more common than I thought.

My opinion is that he's using you but you are the one who needs to decide that. Obviously, it's easier for a bunch of strangers to see that than it is for the person who's in the middle of it.


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## lorez9993 (Feb 20, 2013)

It is also difficult that much of our relationship (except every other weekend) is via text. I haven't actually spoken to him since Sunday and that was because I called him. 

I have a BIG biz meeting tomorrow that he's fully aware of and knows I'm stressed about and he hasn't even mentioned it or asked about it... 





Openminded said:


> Yours is the third story I've read about this type of situation recently so perhaps it's more common than I thought.
> 
> My opinion is that he's using you but you are the one who needs to decide that. Obviously, it's easier for a bunch of strangers to see that than it is for the person who's in the middle of it.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Oh sorry I was confusing you with 3 other women who want to know if they are being used by a man who is getting a divorce and therefore she pays for dinners and weekend trips. He has anywhere from 2 to 4 kids that she's never met. All three of these women think they slept with him too soon. I think women number 2 and 3 wanted to know if they were a booty call. Yeah and he did give one of them herpes

But Lorez question for YOU: do YOU think he's using you? Do YOU think this is the best you can do for companionship?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lorez9993 (Feb 20, 2013)

I think he got very comfortable with my kindness and generosity. He texted this am and said we could just go to a resort or spa this weekend instead if I thought skiing sounded like too much work. He said no pressure, we could have a great time just staying close too... 

I responded and said ya .. Staying home is something I was thinking about too.. 

He didn't respond. Maybe he got tied up at work... But that makes it sound pretty obvious to me. 

Do I think I could do better? Yes I suppose I could... 



> But Lorez question for YOU: do YOU think he's using you? Do YOU think this is the best you can do for companionship?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lorez9993 (Feb 20, 2013)

So I told him I was having trouble finding a vacant cabin for the weekend and maybe we should consider alternatives. He texted back and said to tell him the financial parameters and he will help me search....

Now that says a lot doesn't it?



lorez9993 said:


> I think he got very comfortable with my kindness and generosity. He texted this am and said we could just go to a resort or spa this weekend instead if I thought skiing sounded like too much work. He said no pressure, we could have a great time just staying close too...
> 
> I responded and said ya .. Staying home is something I was thinking about too..
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I'll take the bait that this post is real - tell him the financial parameters are whatever he can afford. See what his response is.


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## lorez9993 (Feb 20, 2013)

Well that would just be mean because it's very clear from what he told me that he is broke. So I just have to back out. I'm not going to fund this. The weekend would be at least 1k. With skiing and rental etc. too much. 




Starstarfish said:


> I'll take the bait that this post is real - tell him the financial parameters are whatever he can afford. See what his response is.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

lorez9993 said:


> Hi there...need advice. Been dating a divorced dad and it's only been about 6 months.
> 
> However, he went from being a very successful businessman to being wiped clean by his ex-wife. For awhile ...he would pay for dinner or a drink here and there...but now it sounds like he can't even afford to pay his alimony -- let alone anything for me.
> 
> ...


Didn't go through the entire thread, just the first page.
Based on your op and some of your other responses,

Yes you're being taken advantage of.

A man , is supposed to be a man.

How could any self respecting man in his financial position expect you to pay for a weekend with his family?

That his wife cleaned him out is his problem, not yours.
If you continue like this, he just might clean you out too.


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## lorez9993 (Feb 20, 2013)

This could be the craziest yet most telling response ever...

My bf told me tonight he told his ex that he needed his ski jacket back. She said .. "ski jacket". I thought you were broke?"

His response "I have a wonderful GF who is paying". 

Her response. "yeah right". 

Ugh... Now how do I get out of this? 



Caribbean Man said:


> Didn't go through the entire thread, just the first page.
> Based on your op and some of your other responses,
> 
> Yes you're being taken advantage of.
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Look, if you want to bang this guy after playing ski bunny on the slopes and living the life even if for a couple days, by all means indulge yourself. If you can afford the ski weekend, why is the question about if you're being used? Clearly you want the guy's companionship, and there's nothing wrong with that at all. Just don't delude yourself that the tables are going to be turned.
Are you being used? No. If you're getting fun out of the weekend and it's what you want to do, go for it! 

But, listen up, he is not an INVESTMENT. He is a LUXURY.

He's a bit of an entitled whiner, but I'm guessing he's what you're attracted to.
Probably no worse than any other kind of passing dependency/hobby/obsession/phase, just as long as you read the warning label on the bottle and know when to call it quits or to stick to the recommended dosage.

If you have opportunity costs, then yes, know when to pull the plug. He might not be that easy to get rid of or to explain away if and when you meet someone you want to be serious about, and vice versa. Most serious dates will ask about past relationships, so if you're not comfortable about lying and want something more...plan ahead or make sure he's cool with it and won't put up a fuss.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lorez9993 said:


> This could be the craziest yet most telling response ever...
> 
> My bf told me tonight he told his ex that he needed his ski jacket back. She said .. "ski jacket". I thought you were broke?"
> 
> ...


You already told him that you are considering staying home. So just stick to that. Tell him that you just cannot afford even one day of vacation... that you thought you could but you cannot.

Then sit back and see if he takes off for the weekend to go ski. See if he suddenly finds the money to go, by himself.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

6 months in and you only see him once every second weekend, and he can't even make the time for a phone call in between.

Have you read "He's just not that into you" ?


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## lorez9993 (Feb 20, 2013)

Well he does invite me over after work on Thursday's too. Just not many phone calls during week when he's working or with his kids. He did call me today.... To talk about where we were going for the weekend, of course... 




*LittleDeer* said:


> 6 months in and you only see him once every second weekend, and he can't even make the time for a phone call in between.
> 
> Have you read "He's just not that into you" ?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lorez9993 said:


> Well he does invite me over after work on Thursday's too. Just not many phone calls during week when he's working or with his kids. He did call me today.... To talk about where we were going for the weekend, of course...


Of course. He needs to make sure you get the hotel and pay the bill so he can go skiing. That's worth a phone call. Don't you think?


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## lorez9993 (Feb 20, 2013)

True... You know I listened to him talk.. For awhile. He complained about his ex etc but he had a very positive attitude about his future. He and I get along in that regard.. But I recognized that he is very into himself and talking about his past and painful divorce. 

I do have daydreams about being with him long term.. But realize the picture is far different than a nice weekend at the ski resort. 4 kids and alimony.. And then some. 

Hard to let go though.., 




EleGirl said:


> Of course. He needs to make sure you get the hotel and pay the bill so he can go skiing. That's worth a phone call. Don't you think?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## swetecynamome (Feb 15, 2013)

lorez9993 said:


> Just not many phone calls during week _Posted via Mobile Device_


Holy tamole. After 6 months???? By that time, you need to be making decisions about whether to stay or go....Like Numero Uno has said it's all your choice what to make of this relationship but to me it sounds it dead in the water. If you want to perk it up never get in touch with him again. Let him do everything. Everything. Pay, Plan, Explain, etc. If he doesn't then you've saved yourself a life carrying a grown man around.


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## lorez9993 (Feb 20, 2013)

Seriously? So he's texting me compulsively tonight.... Asking me what I'm packing and where we are staying etc. if I took this advice.. What would I do? Just not respond to texts and cancel the trip all together? 




swetecynamome said:


> Holy tamole. After 6 months???? By that time, you need to be making decisions about whether to stay or go....Like Numero Uno has said it's all your choice what to make of this relationship but to me it sounds it dead in the water. If you want to perk it up never get in touch with him again. Let him do everything. Everything. Pay, Plan, Explain, etc. If he doesn't then you've saved yourself a life carrying a grown man around.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lorez9993 said:


> Seriously? So he's texting me compulsively tonight.... Asking me what I'm packing and where we are staying etc. if I took this advice.. What would I do? Just not respond to texts and cancel the trip all together?


So now that you are going to pay for him to have a nice trip and ski he will communicate a lot with you? It's all about him and his excitement.

Text him back that you feel badly but you realize that you cannot afford the trip and so you are calling it off. That's all you have to say.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

This guy is a manipulative ass wipe. I'd be really interested to hear what happened to break up his marriage. Regardless, you don't owe him squat. As for the question he asked about what you are packing, just tell him your dignity and hang up.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You created this situation, and he's behaving exactly as you wanted, calling you and communicating with you and making plans to do something in future. Paying attention to you. Now you're confused as to whether he likes you or your money. The answer is both, it's a package deal for him and he doesn't have to choose.

Moreover, he knows you're not the kind of person to go and date someone else on the off weekends and during the week when he's not with you. My advice is that you should feel free to start doing that, and to let him know you're looking. That the situation will be untenable in the long run, but it's pleasant enough in the short run. 

I wouldn't get involved sexually with anyone else, but I would take care of methodically going about what I really wanted in life, and let him know about it and that he needs to start looking for someone to replace you, too. Someone who might be happy moving into his house and helping with the mortgage and living expenses. You'll be doing him a favor by giving him a head's up. But you can continue to enjoy his company at your expense, and when the time comes, you can also tell him you're channeling your resources elsewhere...i.e. maybe you'll go on vaca with someone else and split the costs  

I think this way of thinking and behaving gives a framework for acknowledging and owning the situation you created, while not creating a bad ending for either of you. Just go and have fun, and get a plan that's more in line with your long term vision. One that has a solid foundation and substance that can be used to help create a viable, solid, stable reality. Not this pipe dream of helping a guy down on his luck make a return to splendor. True heros peel themselves up off the floor. If you help him, and he then succeeds, he will resent you from taking that away from him. Even if it's true that he couldn't do it on his own, lol.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

So what did yo end up doing?


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## lorez9993 (Feb 20, 2013)

I faked it and told him that I had an emergency come up with my parents and that I needed to go be with them. He asked if he could come help (very sweet) and that made me feel bad/guilty. 

I told him maybe we could get together when I return. He said that he'd start searching for a resort close by so he could help me "relax" after my family drama. He then sent me an email to a 200 dollar a night resort .. And asked if I wanted to book it for when I return. 





Tigger said:


> So what did yo end up doing?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Stop lying to him, and just tell him what's going on. It's just going to get more and more awkward. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

lorez9993 said:


> I faked it and told him that I had an emergency come up with my parents and that I needed to go be with them. He asked if he could come help (very sweet) and that made me feel bad/guilty.
> 
> I told him maybe we could get together when I return. He said that he'd start searching for a resort close by so he could help me "relax" after my family drama. He then sent me an email to a 200 dollar a night resort .. And asked if I wanted to book it for when I return.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A simple "I'll pass." in reply to his email would get the job done.
He sounds pretty dense.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

lorez9993 said:


> I faked it and told him that I had an emergency come up with my parents and that I needed to go be with them. He asked if he could come help (very sweet) and that made me feel bad/guilty.
> 
> I told him maybe we could get together when I return. He said that he'd start searching for a resort close by so he could help me "relax" after my family drama. He then sent me an email to a 200 dollar a night resort .. And asked if I wanted to book it for when I return.
> 
> ...


hope you told him not interested........


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

you need to move on and make other plans.......


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## swetecynamome (Feb 15, 2013)

lorez9993 said:


> I faked it and told him that I had an emergency come up with my parents and that I needed to go be with them. He asked if he could come help (very sweet) and that made me feel bad/guilty.
> 
> I told him maybe we could get together when I return. He said that he'd start searching for a resort close by so he could help me "relax" after my family drama. He then sent me an email to a 200 dollar a night resort .. And asked if I wanted to book it for when I return.
> 
> ...



I'm not convinced he's dense like another poster suggested. I think he's a scam artist and sees right through your lies. Get the hell out!

Cut off all contact. "I'll pass" on the whole relationship is all you owe him at this point and then ignore all incoming communication. Steel yourself against any feelings of wanting to cave in - stupid feelings like guilt. Guilt for a scam artist? He's going to bleed you dry. 

Someone else mentioned you wanted a baby? Learn to protect yourself NOW. At least value yourself as someone who will in the future carry your own baby. This is not the father for your baby! How awful. Or ok, let's get interesting and say you are artificially inseminated. But still you should not want crooks around your kid! The only person you owe in this situation is you. 

Get out for your protection like you were jumping onto a life raft from the Titanic.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

swetecynamome said:


> I'm not convinced he's dense like another poster suggested. I think he's a scam artist and sees right through your lies. Get the hell out!
> 
> Cut off all contact. "I'll pass" on the whole relationship is all you owe him at this point and then ignore all incoming communication. Steel yourself against any feelings of wanting to cave in - stupid feelings like guilt. Guilt for a scam artist? He's going to bleed you dry.
> 
> ...


He's not dense whatsoever. He knows exactly what he is doing. He lied about his financial situation. If he was so broke that he couldn't even afford food, he couldn't afford to buy his ex out of the house and continue with payments. Getting a mortgage in his own name (especially) in this climate with tighter restrictions on loans means his income would have to be 4 or 5 times what the mortgage payment is. If he cannot afford to eat, he wouldn't have been able to swing the loan. So right there, dudes lying. 

OP, you seem to want to keep him around for reasons I will never understand instead of telling him to go play in traffic,. So why ask us for advice then? We are all telling you to ditch the guy and yet you tap dance around it. Why?


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## lorez9993 (Feb 20, 2013)

I think that I have a sense of pride when I'm capable of helping someone and provide a sense of comfort to them. For awhile I knew that he was truly in a panic about finances. I could see it all over his face. He was a mess. So I wanted to be there for him... And to a degree.. I still do. And buying dinner here and there is still fine with me. But it wasn't until this most recent stuff that I realized that he has no problem going on my dime. He says it makes him feel bad.. Embarrassed.. Less of a man. And I can see that he's sincere when he has said that. But it isn't slowing him down. 

I do think he has a good heart. Offering to go with me when I have a parental (fake) emergency.. Shows he truly does care. I shouldn't have lied. I should have just ended it.. I just thought that I could back away slowly.. Obviously that's not the case. 




Therealbrighteyes said:


> He's not dense whatsoever. He knows exactly what he is doing. He lied about his financial situation. If he was so broke that he couldn't even afford food, he couldn't afford to buy his ex out of the house and continue with payments. Getting a mortgage in his own name (especially) in this climate with tighter restrictions on loans means his income would have to be 4 or 5 times what the mortgage payment is. If he cannot afford to eat, he wouldn't have been able to swing the loan. So right there, dudes lying.
> 
> OP, you seem to want to keep him around for reasons I will never understand instead of telling him to go play in traffic,. So why ask us for advice then? We are all telling you to ditch the guy and yet you tap dance around it. Why?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lorez9993 said:


> I faked it and told him that I had an emergency come up with my parents and that I needed to go be with them. He asked if he could come help (very sweet) and that made me feel bad/guilty.
> 
> I told him maybe we could get together when I return. He said that he'd start searching for a resort close by so he could help me "relax" after my family drama. He then sent me an email to a 200 dollar a night resort .. And asked if I wanted to book it for when I return.


So he now he's going to help you relax at a $200 a night resort at your expense. How do you feel about that?


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Not sure why but I get the feeling this dude isn't divorced. In your post you said you even bought gas and drove everywhere on top of the meals, trips, etc. That to me sounds like a cheater trying to hide any and all charges from his wife.


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## swetecynamome (Feb 15, 2013)

lorez9993 said:


> But it wasn't until this most recent stuff that I realized that he has no problem going on my dime. He says it makes him feel bad.. Embarrassed.. Less of a man. And I can see that he's sincere when he has said that. But it isn't slowing him down.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It sounds like you have a good heart. Just keep it for someone whose actions match up to their expressed desire to be the man. Actions plus words say everything.

Also if he's not divorced is just separated, seriously watch out ok? Please? Somehow via an on-line SNAFU I got myself hooked to a guy who really had no intention on formally divorcing or living outside of his home and he insisted on calling his wife his ex _to my face_ and this after I'd paid thousands for my own divorce. My strong advice is to never date men unless they are absolutely divorced, not in the process of, not separated, but legally finished with papers signed and sealed. (And of course this is public record so you can do your own research here.) I had to write this guy who wanted the best of all worlds and tell him directly I would be searching for better.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

lorez9993 said:


> I think that I have a sense of pride when I'm capable of helping someone and provide a sense of comfort to them. For awhile I knew that he was truly in a panic about finances. I could see it all over his face. He was a mess. So I wanted to be there for him... And to a degree.. I still do. And buying dinner here and there is still fine with me. But it wasn't until this most recent stuff that I realized that he has no problem going on my dime. He says it makes him feel bad.. Embarrassed.. Less of a man. And I can see that he's sincere when he has said that. But it isn't slowing him down.
> 
> I do think he has a good heart. Offering to go with me when I have a parental (fake) emergency.. Shows he truly does care. I shouldn't have lied. I should have just ended it.. I just thought that I could back away slowly.. Obviously that's not the case.
> 
> ...


Are you familiar with the terms "codependency" and "enabling"?

C


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Ruh roh....you like to feel needed and like you're helping someone out. He can see this and is thinking 'kerching!'

Dump this loser - I earn decent money and by no means want someone to pay for everything, but I'll be damned if I'm going to

Six months? Kick him to the kerb!


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You are making a lot of excuses for him. But he's not a great guy. Move on, there is someone nice out there for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

lorez9993 said:


> I think that I have a sense of pride when I'm capable of helping someone and provide a sense of comfort to them. For awhile I knew that he was truly in a panic about finances. I could see it all over his face. He was a mess. So I wanted to be there for him... And to a degree.. I still do. And buying dinner here and there is still fine with me. But it wasn't until this most recent stuff that I realized that he has no problem going on my dime. He says it makes him feel bad.. Embarrassed.. Less of a man. And I can see that he's sincere when he has said that. But it isn't slowing him down.
> 
> I do think he has a good heart. Offering to go with me when I have a parental (fake) emergency.. Shows he truly does care. I shouldn't have lied. I should have just ended it.. I just thought that I could back away slowly.. Obviously that's not the case.
> 
> ...


There are plenty of charities with people who truly need help out there if you want to help out.

He offered to go on the fake emergency because he knew you would say no.

I think it was ok to tell him the lie. You needed an excuse and it saved you a grand.

Even those he may be nice, he really isn't marriage or father material. He already has 4 kids and the ink hasn't dried on the divorce yet. 

As another poster said just date men who are truly single. There are lots of men who latch on to kind-hearted women as an emotional and physical crutch to get them through a messy divorce and then they want to play the field.

And even though he was sympathetic to your emergency, he still was talking about you booking an expensive trip for him. If he was sincere, he would have dropped the entire thing. I think he is just getting a massive ego boost of a woman paying for him.

What are you going to do now?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

lorez9993 said:


> I think that I have a sense of pride when I'm capable of helping someone and provide a sense of comfort to them. For awhile I knew that he was truly in a panic about finances. I could see it all over his face. He was a mess. So I wanted to be there for him... And to a degree.. I still do. And buying dinner here and there is still fine with me. But it wasn't until this most recent stuff that I realized that he has no problem going on my dime. He says it makes him feel bad.. Embarrassed.. Less of a man. And I can see that he's sincere when he has said that. But it isn't slowing him down.
> 
> I do think he has a good heart. Offering to go with me when I have a parental (fake) emergency.. Shows he truly does care. I shouldn't have lied. I should have just ended it.. I just thought that I could back away slowly.. Obviously that's not the case.
> 
> ...


He said that he would go with you because he's trying to out you on your lie. He's probably anxious that his meal ticket is drying up on him. 

I didn't actually mean he was dense, lol. I meant, ok, he's acting like he doesn't get it that a trip, any trip, isn't going to happen and this is your way of blowing him off without doing it straight up. I meant that it's an act, playing dense. He's playing stupid because he knows you're squirming and if he plays it right, he'll get that trip, and more, for you to show that you weren't really blowing him off in the first place. He's a player. He knows how to get his way. He's fishing for information. So he knows to look elsewhere to find a new meal ticket. All he cares about at this point. 

Actually, it sounds like he has a problem with impulse control, in general. Trying to cheat reality to get his goodies. As long as he is living the good life, and who cares who is paying, he can talk the talk so he can look like he's walking the walk. He'll probably take photos on the trip, crop you out if you're in them, and then post on his dating profile. Have you checked to see if he has a dating profile? Maybe you should. It sounds as though he probably has other women around. One would not be enough for a guy like this. I mean, he tells you what his life is like when not with you...but are you absolutely sure?


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

He knows exactly what he is doing. He is manipulating you. He knows just what buttons to press. He knows you are a good person, that he can tug on your heart strings and he knows just when to throw out the "I care and I'm there for you" bait. Stop taking it. You have absolutely nothing to feel bad about. You have gone above and beyond any call of duty. You are a kind person who likes to help, thats great but not when the help you give is hurting you. Not when the person you are helping is pulling your strings like a puppet.

He does not have a good heart!!!! People who have good hearts dont use and manipulate others or play on someones goodness or emotions for their own benefit. YOU are the one with the good heart!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

When you pull the plug on him, he'll use every single little bit of information you've confided about yourself to him, against you. He'll try to paint you as a vicious b*tch who led him on and used him. Don't fall for it. Just block his number. At that point, he's shown his cards and played them, and he has no house credit going for him.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Lore,

Let me explain just how wrong this is. Not of you, of him. 

He knew his financial situation when the ski weekend first came up. He has no business leaning on you like this. 






lorez9993 said:


> Well, I feel really awkward now because I already (stupidly) offered to pay for the weekend away...but now it's tough because he has told people we are going etc...and he just told me he can't even afford groceries for his house this week.
> 
> His ex really wiped him clean -- and he also said that he can't afford to pay next month's alimony... I am NOT helping him in that area...def not.
> 
> I just don't know what to do now..that I've already half committed to it..


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## brokin4hymn (Feb 22, 2013)

Tell him you decided you'd rather not pay for the trip at all. If he protests or attempts to guilt you or shame you...get ready for a life of the same..or ...........not.


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## lorez9993 (Feb 20, 2013)

Well, I'm back again. I really hope that I can turn to this board for some tough love and suggestions. 

I ended up going away for one night last weekend with the man in question... We truly had a great time. But I paid for it all. When we left each other he told me he was so depressed because I am his only comfort and source of sanity in such an awful time... His divorce financials are killing him. 

This week he got in trouble with his attorney for failing to disclose a bonus he received and it sounds like they are really coming after him. He says he is just barely living... And trying to refinance his house to survive. I just got off the phone with him and he is so panicked about money. He's angry at his situation and his ex... And I just feel awful for him. He again talked about how I'm his only source of hope.., 

In all honesty, I don't know how to deal with all of his problems any more. I know it's awful for him and I want to help him... Heck I wish I could go away again with him... But I would be paying. 

He is prospecting new jobs and has a lot of irons in the fire but the reality is.. He's got 4 kids to send to college too... One is just a year away from college. 

I know many on here will wonder wtf I'm still doing attached to this guy.. But I need some tough love. I have fallen for him.... If money want his constant strife he and I would be so happy. When we are away and he isn't worried., we are wonderful together. Great conversation etc. but I'm getting the impression that this drama is going to continue... 

What do I do? My heart is still with him... 




brokin4hymn said:


> Tell him you decided you'd rather not pay for the trip at all. If he protests or attempts to guilt you or shame you...get ready for a life of the same..or ...........not.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what do you want us to tell you that hasn't already been said? Except that now he's apparently lying to his own attorney about his money and in even worse shape than he was before. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lorez9993 (Feb 20, 2013)

Would most people walk away.. From this man? 

And considering how much comfort I've given him... How does one walk away without destroying him? 





PBear said:


> So what do you want us to tell you that hasn't already been said? Except that now he's apparently lying to his own attorney about his money and in even worse shape than he was before.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

lorez9993 said:


> Would most people walk away.. From this man?
> 
> And considering how much comfort I've given him... How does one walk away without destroying him?
> 
> ...


You aren't going to destroy him.

Why do you feel like you need to buy him?

Would he be coming around if you weren't paying for everything?

I am surprised he hasn't asked you for money to help him out yet.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

He is playing the victim and you are the savior. It's not healthy and will grow old over time. Do you want to save him forever? It's exhausting. You will become resentful. You are not his only source of hope. This is a pathetic manipulation to keep you around. You are codependent and he is needy. Got out now!!!


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## lorez9993 (Feb 20, 2013)

Well I bought him drinks last night and listened to all of his drama. I tried to motivate him and break him from the panick that's consuming him. 

All that seemed helpful. He told me that every minute he's not with his kids he's with me... And he was playing drums tonight just because he hadn't in awhile. He offered to cancel .. I said no don't worry about it... 

And this morning he texted to say he's busy at work. And hasn't communicated at all. I know he's stressed about a project but it's pretty obvious that I AM an option.... 

He says otherwise. But actions speak louder than words. Right? 





happysnappy said:


> He is playing the victim and you are the savior. It's not healthy and will grow old over time. Do you want to save him forever? It's exhausting. You will become resentful. You are not his only source of hope. This is a pathetic manipulation to keep you around. You are codependent and he is needy. Got out now!!!


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

lorez9993 said:


> Would most people walk away.. From this man?
> 
> And considering how much comfort I've given him... How does one walk away without destroying him?
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lorez9993 (Feb 20, 2013)

I understand you are right. We have wonderful times on our weekends. We spend 48 to 72 hours together non stop and don't get sick of each other.., 
But these are times when life is perfect. No children. We are in vacation mode.. Drinking ... Eating .. At hotels or a cabin away. It's not real life. So I suppose our time together seems heavenly because it's not rooted in reality.. In the real life. 

I've just lost myself in him... Haven't I? I'm pretty pathetic. 




PBear said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

lorez9993 said:


> I've just lost myself in him... Haven't I?


Well, that's what codependents do. You keep coming on here for advice. Fine. But after awhile, nobody will give you any. You haven't taken to heart any of the advice you've received thus far. 

The thing is, you are going to do exactly what you want to do anyway. So just go ahead and do it. Chances are, he'll keep letting you pay for dates, he'll keep b!tching and moaning about his financial situation, and you'll keep going back for more.

It is perfectly fine with me if you choose that route. Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.


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## lorez9993 (Feb 20, 2013)

Well he just texted and said he borrowed money from his parents to pay his alimony this month. I am going to take the advice here and back away. 





Prodigal said:


> Well, that's what codependents do. You keep coming on here for advice. Fine. But after awhile, nobody will give you any. You haven't taken to heart any of the advice you've received thus far.
> 
> The thing is, you are going to do exactly what you want to do anyway. So just go ahead and do it. Chances are, he'll keep letting you pay for dates, he'll keep b!tching and moaning about his financial situation, and you'll keep going back for more.
> 
> It is perfectly fine with me if you choose that route. Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lorez9993 (Feb 20, 2013)

Thought all of you would like an update and it will leave you saying "I told ya". 

I had a girlfriend tell me that BF was still on a dating website. She is... So I told her to email him. See if he's "active". Well she did and he was not active. But he immediately asked for her picture and said he's "sort of seeing someone but it's still early". After he got her picture (she's very pretty) he wanted more pictures ... Gave her his phone number so they could text instead .. And when she responded .. "what about your girlfriend" he said he was having doubts ... And he's only trying right now "to see" if it could turn into a long term thing but that she's so gorgeous he couldn't hold himself back from responding to her. 

She (thank God for good friends) told him that she could tell he was a cheater by what he was saying and she didn't want any part of him. 

Talk about a great guy, right? I pay. He tells me he wants us to be together forever... And then behind my back .. Tries to start cheating. 





lorez9993 said:


> Well he just texted and said he borrowed money from his parents to pay his alimony this month. I am going to take the advice here and back away.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

lorez9993 said:


> Thought all of you would like an update and it will leave you saying "I told ya".
> 
> I had a girlfriend tell me that BF was still on a dating website. She is... So I told her to email him. See if he's "active". Well she did and he was not active. But he immediately asked for her picture and said he's "sort of seeing someone but it's still early". After he got her picture (she's very pretty) he wanted more pictures ... Gave her his phone number so they could text instead .. And when she responded .. "what about your girlfriend" he said he was having doubts ... And he's only trying right now "to see" if it could turn into a long term thing but that she's so gorgeous he couldn't hold himself back from responding to her.
> 
> ...


Whoa, thanks for being brave and letting us know......


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Better now than having to file for bankruptcy in a few months or years. Cut your losses -- emotionally, physically and financially! It seemed like you wanted out a long time ago but felt bad because he made you feel that if you left him his entire world might as well have ended. That was a LOT to put on your shoulders! But this is a blessing in disguise. You got a legitamate out and he did it to himself. I guaranty that he'll tell you that he was just depressed and needed a distraction from real life and he wasn't planning on meeting your friend and blah blah blah. 

Now it's up to you to believe that stupid excuse or use his actions as your get out of jail free card!


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

I am sorry that he turned out to be such a cad. Hold your head high, you are a good person, you treated him far better than he deserved. Now be open to finding someone that treats you the way you deserve.

For future reference, Don't make someone a priority in your life when you are only an option in theirs.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Whoa, but at least now you know what he is all about.


Did you confront him about it?


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## lorez9993 (Feb 20, 2013)

I did. We are done. He told me someone must have hacked into his email...and That was completely plausible because his ex's sister's friend used to work I'm the CIA. And he couldn't possibly understand why I chose to doubt him. 

Seriously? I guess I just didn't realize how awful men could be. 




Tigger said:


> Whoa, but at least now you know what he is all about.
> 
> 
> Did you confront him about it?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

lorez9993 said:


> I did. We are done. He told me someone must have hacked into his email...and That was completely plausible because his ex's sister's friend used to work I'm the CIA. And he couldn't possibly understand why I chose to doubt him.
> 
> Seriously? *I guess I just didn't realize how awful men could be. *
> 
> ...


He was getting paid dinner's and vacations and had free poon a phone call away on demand...without the hinderance of a commitment.

Pretty much every single man would jump all over that set up.

Glad you're free from this female reproductive cleansing product.


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## lorez9993 (Feb 20, 2013)

Up until the VERY end he was telling me that he was committed .. That he wanted no one else but me. I actually had a job interview out if state and he eventually told me he wanted me to stay in town. (his kids are here). 

I mean he PLAYED me ... I keep wanting to pick up the phone to tell him off.. To give him a piece of my mind. But I haven't. And after I firmly told him to never contact me again.. He hasn't tried. He knows I have him hung from the cheating noose. 






sinnister said:


> He was getting paid dinner's and vacations and had free poon a phone call away on demand...without the hinderance of a commitment.
> 
> Pretty much every single man would jump all over that set up.
> 
> Glad you're free from this female reproductive cleansing product.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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