# 3 months and counting with this non-separate separation-need advice from everyone



## lmh11706 (Sep 22, 2008)

married 15 yrs known each other for 18.im 48 mywife 47.2 children boy 13,girl 8.weve been a very close and loving family over the years.i love my wife with all my heart and still find her to be the most beautiful sexy woman i have ever met and what i was doing had nothing to do with my love for her or a rejection of her.i have always wanted her all the time and she knew and knows that.i have never physically cheated on my wife.but emotional is just as bad-i know i caused this-did things i never should have done when youre married.my wife is very loyal-very marriage vow oriented.ill never forgive myself for hurting her and our marriage

my problem since even before i met my wife which wasnt a problem when i was single and thats porn and kept it hidden from my wife-started with videos thru the 90s and escalated to internet porn from 2000-2007 to the point where i exchanged sexual emails with real people

i betrayed her twice with that in 2002 and she forgave me and then in 2007 and she forgave me again i thought-i remember her saying if she ever found it again she was leaving and i havent done it since

i was in therapy until 12/07 but felt good about things and stopped but i didnt tell my wife and let her think i was going and she found out i wasnt.i knew she wouldnt like it if i stopped so i dint tell her.

i found out she had been feeling bad about our marriage for a while-since last february-march but we kept things going until we had a argument in mid july and she let me have it.shes not in love with me anymore and most of all has no trust in me for what i did and the lies.the emails to other people.shes right

she separated herself from me-we are still living together-no lawyers involved and not even pursuing a divorce.she just wants time and space to be left alone-but thats hard with us still living together and playing house and because i still am madly in love with her.we still go out to dinner with the kids.but i dont want to leave because- i want us back and believe it or not she doesnt want me to leave.she doesnt work.i pay everything and sometimes i feel she wants me around just for that because if i left we would have to sell the house and then what would she do-where would she and the kids go-but id never let them go like that.they are everything to me

3 months into this she still says she is confused and doesnt know what she wants-she still doesnt want any affection from me or really even to touch her-but she does let me-but doesnt give anything back-3 months in and she still seems a little angry and she always brings up the trust.she thinks if we start again im going to do this 2-3yrs down the road because i said i wouldnt before but did.

she has been going out every sat nite to the clubs with her friends dancing and flirting and so on.and because she looks like a playboy playmate it drives me crazy.ive been going out too-separately but only want to be with her

she says shes not ready to go out with me alone.even after 3 months of this.i know its her timetable not mine but after 3 months doesnt she have an idea if she wants to work things out or not?she feels 3 months is nothing compared to the years ive been doing things to her

i tell her we have to start somewhere-and im not talking about sex-who knows when that will happen but im talking about spending time together so she can rediscover her love for me which is still there but locked away.

but she says shes not ready to start spending alone time with me
when i touch her-like rub her shoulders and back and put my hands on her waist or rub her legs-which she is letting me do-sporadically-and wasnt letting me do 6 wks ago- does it feel bad to her or shes not ready to let it feel good-or maybe it feels good but doesnt want it to yet so she shys away??

im in therapy now alone but my wife wants no part of it now.she doesnt seem to want to work on things yet

friends and family do believe she will stay with me by her actions and what she says to them but it seems so hard for her to trust me.i know it doesnt happen overnite but we have to start sometime.she told my son the other day that shes not ready to go out with me yet but maybe soon.i just want the opportunity to earn her trust back because she will never be hurt by me again but shes not giving it to me yet.

thanx to any opinions male or female-i know im focusing on how i feel.i do understand how she feels i really do.it makes me sick how i hurt her but i cant change the past-i just want to prove to her im a different person but shes not ready to give me that chance and with each passing week i keep saying to myself she has to know-doesnt she-after 3 months


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

lmh--
y'know why she doesn't want to go to counseling without you??? she don't trust you or believe you. she's thinking "why do i hafta sit in therapy with this (creep?) porn addict when he lied to me? he'll say whatever he has to to get me back in his win column." you did it before dude, you'll do it again..that's common...she probably thinks that...

i'm so learning the trust building thing right now...it takes a loonnngg f-ing time...and maybe if you don't have what it takes to get there...no i'm not trying to say you don't...she probably wants to see it from you...and three month ain't nothin' when she sees this as a 6 year lie...just my opinion...


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

My H lied and hid his porn from me, too. He never wrote anyone though and its taken me two years to get over to the point that i dont hate him. and to be honest, im still getting over it. 

i cant tell you too much except that for me, i needed a real apology. Have you seen the movie Fireproof? I cried twice. the guy is a porn addict. what he does for her made me cry b/c its what i want my H to do. Maybe you should see the movie and get the book, _The Love Dare_. It is just a movie, but i know if my H did those things for me, I'd have hope for our marriage.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> Have you seen the movie Fireproof? Maybe you should see the movie and get the book, _The Love Dare_. It is just a movie, but i know if my H did those things for me, I'd have hope for our marriage.


yeah...and the Bible is JUST A BOOK too....no, fireproof was devinely inspired, i believe...and it came just two decades too late...the '70's brought us the days of the way too easy divorce...it's too bad..you can get a divorce easier than a marriage license...society will suffer for generations for our attitudes towards marriage and divorce...we're already seeing it...


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## lmh11706 (Sep 22, 2008)

its so hard-i want her back now-but just this morning she said its hard for her to show me any affection -that the damage is done-and right now she doesnt want to work on our relationship-spending time alone to recapture the love-when i touch her she doesnt feel what she used to feel and she puts it in a way that she doesnt know if she will eve feel differently.she says it has nothing to do with loving me-that it is the trust and that i communicated with other people my sexual desires to be with them-even though i never was with anyone or even intended to be-to her its cheating-that is her real problem-getting those emails out of her head and when i touch her she says she feels i want those other people and that is farthest from the truth-ive only ever wanted her

im just scared that when she goes out to the dance club with her girlfriends that she will be open to advances from other men-because shes not wering her wedding ring and all men find my wife beautiful.but she says no-she just goes to escape and dance and relieve stress-in the 3 months this is going on-she has already tried to "reach out" when we first started this so called separation-luckily nothing came of it.


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## lmh11706 (Sep 22, 2008)

she does see it as a 6 yr lie-yrs f mental abuse she says- and she says 3 months is nothing compared to 6 yrs

i do not hold things in-i wear my heart on my sleeve where as my wife internalizes everything until she blows-

when i want to talk about things and ask her questions about her thoughts she gets angry and accuses me of picking on her and not leaving her alone-that when i do that it pushes her away


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

lmh-
you said:

>>>>>"when i want to talk about things and ask her questions about her thoughts she gets angry and accuses me of picking on her and not leaving her alone-that when i do that it pushes her away"<<<<

yep. that really is you challenging her thoughts, to her. it doesn't work, as logical as you might feel the questions are. take her cue, back off. let her give you info as she sees fit.


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