# men-can this be possible?



## peaches (Apr 26, 2009)

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 5. He is a nice guy and everyone loves him, he makes friends easily. He works alot of hours in his own business-most nights he's not home till after 9pm, often later. We get along ok and the sex is good but I don't feel like i'm gettting anything from him emotionally. I don't want to be overly demanding, I realize he works hard to support the family. I stay home with our 2 yr old and my 15 year old (well of course he's pretty self-sufficient). I used to help with the business but with the 2 year old it's been hard to be on the phone much which is most of what I did before. My problem is that he never wants to spend ant time with me. Like I said he works alot but even when he's home he's not around me. he spends a ton of time in the office (@home) and when he comes to bed (around 2am)I'm usually asleep. He takes off every Sunday. We used to do stuff together as a family but that's a rarity now. He does have work to do in the office-estimates, paperwork, etc. but often he's playing mafia wars or whatever he's into at the time. He says he doesn't mean to spend time on that stuff he just does it for an escape and gets carried away. We have been to counseling and really it made things worse. The therapist told him to "make a point" of spending time with me when he got home--like a certain amount of minutes every day. At that point it really hit me-he REALLY DOESN'T want o be with me if he has to MAKE himself do it. I'm wondering...we've had some problems in the past-- he's lied about some things, doesn't do what he promised etc--I can understand most of that, we all screw up. But can you really love someone and NOT want to be with them??


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

I think what happens is people's own interests and pursuits become more gratifying than their spouse. Especially in these times with all of the media, games, internet and computers. There simply is less person to person interaction these days.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

peaches-

Have you tried being direct with him? Have you told him that his lack of attention to you is making you feel like last year's Christmas present - tossed to one side?


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## peaches (Apr 26, 2009)

Thanks for replying
Yes I have talked to him about it many times. Usually he just blows me off, occasionally he gets annoyed. Every few months I get really depressed about it (when I can't give myself a pep talk anymore) and I try to have a serious talk. He'll listen then and say some nice stuff, then after a few days he's back to normal. He says he loves me and the family and everything he does is for us. I really appreciate that but I didn't get married to be alone all the time. I agree people have alot to distract them these days with the internet and all but don't you feel a strong draw to be with people you love? Don't you miss them? When you get home wouldn't you feel you'd like to hang out with your wife if you really loved her? He's pretty much always up for sex but it seems like alot of the time he just shows up when it's time to 'do it' -doesn't want much of the connection beforehand. I hate to slip into this whole 'living seperate lives' thing but I guess that's where we're headed.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

peaches-

I think he is following the least line of resistance. It's up to you to "up the ante". He is in a rut. He would actually feel better if he had more to do with you, but he can't tear himself away from his own world.

Eventually, you will probably give him an ultimatum - or a shock if you end up falling for someone more attentive.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

When you get a a mellow, laid-back moment....tell him how you are unhappy and what you would like to have as a couple. Mention this in a positive and caring way. Then set a date in the near future and put it on your calendar. Find something that you both like to do and have fun. 

Once you are out of balance in your life and in a rut, it is easy to stay there. You must shake it up.

Don't let this go. If you do, you will soon resent it and things will get worse.

I know from my experience.


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## peaches (Apr 26, 2009)

Interesting-how can I "up the ante"? I have set date nights like Corpuswife suggested, he'll usually go along and have a good time. Is it common that one person has to always be the one asking? Just like men don't always have to initiate sex, women don't want to always initiate romance. And I'm not even asking for romance really-just act like you want to be here with me! But I guess that's the problem-he'd have to be _acting_. 
Mark, I read your semen retention stuff-sounds good to me. I can imagine this would make you VERY into your wife. Kinda hard not to think about someone all the time under those circumstances I'd probably confuse all that horniness for love though. 
I did mention it to hubby-he thought I was nuts.


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## Rattlehead (Apr 28, 2009)

I've been accused of this a few times myself, and I admit I have been guilty of getting too involved in one of my many hobbies and neglecting my wife (not intentionally). Its not that I don't want to be with her, I love her! However, I've always been the kind of person to get into something (hobbies, etc) and I get waaaay into them to the point that it stays on my mind constantly. I've been this way for as long as I can remember. Its just my personality. But since being married I've discovered alot of new activities that I'm very interested in, which my wife also likes and we do them together. So I'd suggest trying to find something new that you both can do together. Maybe that will help bring you guys closer again, emotionally and romantically.


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## homebizhubby (Apr 28, 2009)

Rattlehead hit it on the nose. We just forget you ladies need attention then when you tell us we feel nagged. Try and remember the happy times and talk about that with him to bring a positive rather than a negitive approach to spending time. I am a work from home husband myself and find that when my wife doesn't bug me with her need for attention we actually spend more time together. When you think about the times that were real quality time was it scheduled? I find they are not scheduled and happen by chance. You may want to let the space grow a little and see if he comes and talks to you because he misses you. I find anything to do other than be around my wife if she's going to complain about something i did or did not due. Get involved in the business again even if its a small role, if he sees you helping him it may warm him up a bit. I think you have a lot of good and simply need a different aproach to throw him and you off the beaten path into an area or activity that will re-ignite things.

Good Luck


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

peaches said:


> I did mention it to hubby-he thought I was nuts.


Most men do! But the women are not so stupid 
Yes, it certainly makes me into my wife, but I already loved her anyway.

The way to approach it with your husband is to do semen retention for 1 day. That is to say, you have sex 3 times in one day: in the morning, afternoon and evening, but he is only allowed to cum in the evening! Yep, he will love it. Problem is he does not realise how much he will love it until he tries it.

Keep working on yourself, you are far too passive.


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## peaches (Apr 26, 2009)

I don't want to be passive but I don't want to be a nag either---and men say _women_ are confusing:scratchhead:


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

Have you tried working on YOURSELF? He has his own separate world (which is healthy in most cases) do you have one too?

Can you reconnect with old friends or hobbies? Can you busy yourself with something else?? Take a class? go to the gym?

The problem as I see it is that he has nothing to lose here. You are always available, so he doesn't have to worry about not getting time with you. It seems to me that if he wants time, it is there.

The trick is to make that time more scarce.

People do not value what they do not have to work for. People take for granted that which comes easy. Make him WORK for you.

Don't nag, don't harp, don't lecture, don't say "i'm going to stop being available". Just DO it! Stop being home all the time (I know its easier said than done, but if your husband works at a home office and you have a reasonably responsible 15 year old, you can leave the 2 year old for a few hours).

Make it happen, and I think you'll be pleased with the results.


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