# Confused what to do in 20 year marriage



## confuzed1 (Dec 28, 2011)

I'm 41 now, and I'm married to the same woman for 20 years. We got married in college and I knew her since 6th grade. This probably sounds crazy but I was never with anyone else, she was my first kiss, and I didn't have sex until after we we were married. We both shared a love for computers, and she was my only friend in school. My wife is a 7 figure computer professional now. I do OK but I'll probably never be as creative or successful as she is. My wife has a 160 IQ and got near perfect on the SAT. She is a perfectionist. She is also fitness/yoga/running enthusiast, and she gets up at 6AM to do track practice with my daughter. They can almost pass for sisters and someone thought they were both HS seniors! My wife is in excellent shape(as am I, she pretty much forces me to exercise, eat right,etc), I have no complaints about sex or anything else. Everything my wife does is positive. Maybe too good, sometimes I think of her as an overprotective mom. Eventually, even though you love mom you leave.

My issue is more like buying the perfect car, but eventually you end the lease or sell it for something else, even though there is absolutely no reason to. Recently my wife bought me a expensive brand new car that I love, so I'll use that analogy.

Anyway, I have 5 kids now, ranging from college to 5 years old. My wife always says I'm her 6th.

Now, this is my issue. I'm reading a lot about mid-life crisis, and I'm thinking about how I really missed up on things like the singles scene, having different women(sexually), dating, etc. I see people at work who are around my age and had a full dating life, and at the end they go to bachelor parties with women all over them. A guy talked to me about sex things that I couldn't even imagine doing with my wife, he said the girl did it with him after 3 dates.

Now here is me, never even went to bar, never got drunk, never really had any fun. And it bothers me.

I have a woman at work that I confide in. She is 28 and divorced, and keeps telling me how much I really missed out in life. She said men go thru a stage where they have a honeymoon every night with a new woman. She also told me that I'm probably missing out on mindblowing sex because my wife was never with another man. She said my wife is cute but not really hot. She told me that I made a big mistake and should have been with other women.

Well this woman talked me into going to the mall to help me pick nice clothes. First I felt weird picking her up in the car my wife bought me. Then she took my hand, tried to hold it and I really felt guilty about it and told her I'm not comfortable. She walked into Victoria secret with me and held up some really hot outfits against her. My wife never did anything spontaneous like that. I didn't end up buying anything and I told my wife I had a business meeting (I know thats terrible). Now, as I write this, I know this is crazy but I kinda have feelings for her. She wore a shorter skirt to work and I can't get her legs out of my mind. 

Then I think of my wife and I couldn't imagine doing anything with another woman for 1000 reasons. I would worry I may transmit some disease to her, and I know how much effort she puts into her health. I worry about the moral implications of cheating, and how hurt she would be. I worry about my kids finding out, and how they would be destroyed. I am very close with my kids. I am worried about our friends finding out and looking at me like a villain.

But I also think about my 20s and 30s, never being out late and having a real good time, always tied down with kids, no fun.

Bottom line, I don't think I would ever cheat on my wife but
I thought about divorce, not necessarily for the woman I know now, but just to have a dating experience and then I'll find someone to settle down with later down the road. I'm in good shape and I know I can probably attract hot women(I'm shy though).

Then again I do love my wife and I would miss going to sleep and making out with her in bed. Obviously this is something I can't discuss with her, I feel it is like going to your employer and telling them how much you want to work for company B and you are not happy. Either you will have two security guards show you the door or you will stay and be under scrutiny.

I'm not going to make any rash decisions, but still promised myself to keep an open mind.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

confuzed1 said:


> I see people at work who are around my age and had a full dating life, and at the end they go to bachelor parties with women all over them. A guy talked to me about sex things that I couldn't even imagine doing with my wife, he said the girl did it with him after 3 dates.
> 
> Now here is me, never even went to bar, never got drunk, never really had any fun. And it bothers me.
> 
> ...


First, this woman at work - run like hell. she's not being a friend - she's fishing for a relationship with you. 

You've got a good happy life - and while other people will tell you stories about the hot sex pot they dated and then did wild things on the 3rd date - they are leaving out the emotional pain and drama that come with that life style.

Ok, so you didn't go out and get drunk at bars. Wanna know why people stop doing that - it's damn boring. You do it when you're young and on the prowl. You get drunk to get your courage up, or you get drunk to pass the time because you're not hooking up.

Eventually you realize that getting drunk like that is making you feel awful, it isn't actually getting you meeting anyone you want to spend real time with.

As for the wild wild women in bed that you hear about - do your buddies also tell you about why they aren't marrying them? If the chick is so hot and good, why wouldn't they keep them? answer - because the chick is likely a flake or a nut job, or comes with a long long list of issues and drama.

Remember sports cars are fun to drive, but they are serious pain to own. Constant repairs, much higher insurance, and next year a cooler car will be out that you need to upgrade to, or else you'll feel like you're driving an old clunker.

Back off the 28 year old at work - she is toxic to your marriage.

Want to learn new stuff in the bedroom with your wife? Buy some books or educational DVDs.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You're playing with fire here.

As to the sex, ask your wife about spicing up the sex life. You never know if she'll be interested unless you ask.


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## confuzed1 (Dec 28, 2011)

Thanks for the responses, guys.


cheatinghubby said:


> You're playing with fire here.
> 
> As to the sex, ask your wife about spicing up the sex life. You never know if she'll be interested unless you ask.


I thought about that, buying books, DVDs, etc but maybe there is a "Madonna Complex" involved now. We do have sex often but its done with what she is comfortable with and I feel weird breaking any boundaries. When we first got married she insisted on everything under covers, and I got her to change that.

In a way, it is almost like you are kissing your hot sister but wouldn't put your hand up her shirt. With the woman at work I would have no problem doing anything. Maybe I'm nuts to feel that way.

As to someone who said I'm having an EA, I have trouble believing that. I just took the girl to the mall, she dragged me into VS. I don't see any harm in talking to her, or going on an outing once in a while (I have no other single friends, everyone is married). If I ever get physical with her it will be when I'm divorced. Am I wrong here?

Also, it seems going thru those stages with crazy women are normal for most guys, then they settle down and feel satisfied with any woman they have. 

I am a car enthusiast too and believe that those "racy" women are like expensive cars, you usually lease those cars for a year or two or have to deal with extreme repairs that even the dealers hesitate to do. But yet people buy them and incorporate that into their lifestyle.

The people I work with seem to play up their single experiences, I'm sure there are downsides to it too. If it wasn't the case there wouldn't be a billion dollar online dating industry.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

1. Hanging out with women other than your wife at Victoria's Secret is "pushing boundaries" to say the least. Stop it. 

2. Probably 2/3 of the single women you'd meet in your new hypothetical single life will be absolutely nuts. (As for accusations I'm being biased, I think it's the same for single men!). 


If you have a good wife who is good to you, don't screw that up for some friends "Dear Penthouse Forum" stories.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

go to the CWI section and read about 15 threads of how painful infidelity is to the betrayed


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## confuzed1 (Dec 28, 2011)

I confess I had very sexual thoughts about that woman, especially after she took my hand. Of course nothing went on and we were never in private. Honestly, If my wife saw my face when she held up that lingerie she would probably kill me.

Now I'm wondering if I should be honest with my wife. I know if she came to me with something like that I would be furious , but I would want to know. My wife also indirectly knows the woman, she met her at a holiday party.

Maybe I should just forget this whole thing and be thankful that it never went any farther.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

It sounds like you are talking about Hollywood bachelors, not regular ones.

You are listening to people brag about their extravagant bachelorhood but how many of those are outright lies?

I would never respect a man who is a bachelor wh**e, and most real women won't.

I think you will be very disappointed if you take this road. Solve the sex issues in your marriage, do not go outside of your marriage looking for the answers. You will regret it and end up hurt, and wishing you had never let your wife go.


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## confuzed1 (Dec 28, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> go to the CWI section and read about 15 threads of how painful infidelity is to the betrayed


Holy S*$$#. I just clicked on a few threads and I've seen comparisons of cheating with death of child or spouse. I didn't realize its that bad.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Reading your story it sounds like your wife is really more like your mom. I would advise you to tell her everything you have written here. Otherwise you have no chance of 'getting out' of it. She seems to be better than you in everything which is no recipe for a good marriage. Does she look down on you and fully control you. You know best how she will take it, but unless she 'gives' somewhat something will happen.


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## confuzed1 (Dec 28, 2011)

Lets put physical cheating out of the picture, because I could never do that to my wife for many reasons. 

Hypothetically, what if I just divorced and pursued a "bachelor life." To get it out of my system. I know its not the optimal thing to do but I will have a chance to see what I missed. Then I will settle down with someone hopefully who is a s good as my wife.


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## confuzed1 (Dec 28, 2011)

accept said:


> Reading your story it sounds like your wife is really more like your mom. I would advise you to tell her everything you have written here. Otherwise you have no chance of 'getting out' of it. She seems to be better than you in everything which is no recipe for a good marriage. Does she look down on you and fully control you. You know best how she will take it, but unless she 'gives' somewhat something will happen.


True, I am like her son. As a kid mom makes all your decisions, picks your clothes, etc. I think there is an intellectual superiority too. Her brains were definitely passed to our kids. I'm not stupid but she uses her intelligence to always decide what is best. 
All of these years I just accepted it. Honestly her decisions are usually very good, but I feel like the kid who eats brussel sprouts.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Youre not going to stop looking at other women. If not this one it will be the next. A man has to have a wife not a mom. Unless you change her into a wife I cant see much hope.
Again what do you think she would say to all thats been written here.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Read up on how to have an affair with your wife. 

Read up on how to spice up your sex life. 

Join a church. Read up on religion to see what is "missing' in your life. Do volunteer work. Help your neighbor. Go feed homeless people. Think about what's really important in life. Is it what kind of person you are, how much you can GIVE, or is it about what you don't have or think you missed out on? Why? 

Why is banging a hot chick or being free like a bachelor a life goal?
Does that make you a better person? Who's keeping score? Maybe YOU should be. But keep score of what's important. To your soul. Not your ****.


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## confuzed1 (Dec 28, 2011)

deejov said:


> Read up on how to have an affair with your wife.
> 
> Read up on how to spice up your sex life.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
I agree, maybe I'm really spoiled and looking for things that are truly unfulfilling. Many guys end up alone at 50, or divorced with a woman that hates them, so all the past experience amounts to zilch.

I read lots of threads on this board today, and I see that my issues are trivial in comparison to others. This morning I had a 25% chance of cheating, now its 0%. I had thoughts of meeting that woman and doing everything but real sex, I didn't really think that is cheating. Its never going to happen now. I'm really glad I came here. I think this board should be required reading for anyone in or contemplating a relationship. You wouldn't take a complex, expensive part in your car apart without consulting the internet or a manual, right? And people are much more valuable.

My communication with that woman from herein is going to be hello and goodbye.

Maybe I'm a bit intimidated by my wife. If I do talk to her though she listens to me, but I admit I don't always communicate what I wanted. Maybe thats why we never argued, I would always accept what she said as the best answer because I have so much faith in her.

While I hope there is no blowback from what I did, I do want to open up a communication channel with my wife.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I'll preface this by declaring my bias in favor of your good wife and 5 innocent kids that you brought into the world. I am a woman so I may not understand how important free sex is to you. 

I can't imagine abandoning 5 kids a very loving wife and a warm home for the joys of mindless free sex. Maybe it is because I don't have testosterone. 

But anyway I'll give my opinion.. You hit the jackpot of the marital wheel of fortune the first time around. . I can understand that you don't realize the value of what you have and that is why you contemplate throwing away diamonds for pick up coal in the dirt. It seems a steep price for the possibility of sex but I am certain you are not planning on bearing the cost so, that may not be an impediment. 

. You have not actually done anything yet but you are putting yourself in a position to do it. There is no crime in thinking but there may be betrayal of your wife by putting yourself in position to be tempted and talking to this girl behind your wife's back. Suppose your wife did the same to you? . 

Believe about 1/3 to 0 of what those sleazbags are telling you. First of all, they may actually be sporting with you and amazed at you gullibility and the ease with which you would consider throwing away your family to follow your genitals around. Are you sure there are free wheeling wild 20somethings ready to give you something for nothing just because you think you are entitled to 10 or 20 new warm holes? 

Do some independent research about what you are likely to face. Look at the morals and sleaze factor of the men telling you these tales. These are the type of men who encourage you to joining them knowing your marital status. Could they possibly be liars too. Here is another thought you can explore - is it possible that they may look at your life in ways that you find easy to dismiss and wish they had an active loving woman to care for them, 5 great kids, the emotional satisfaction of loving intimacy, a companion and friend to share their lives and interest? Surprise of surprises, they may actually envy you! Imagine that - you seem to consider your life a stone around your neck - and these men with their empty pleasure seeking lives (so they say) may actually covet your life. 

Also consider that there are about 100 middle aged men per young woman with the same idea as you. More now than ever because of internet porn showing young women who fall to their knees when faced with an errect penis. Some men actually believe that there are woman like that filling the population of bars frequented by college aged women. As you can imagine, young women are inundated with egger married and divorced middle-aged men chasing them down for porn sex. I know women in this age group, It has become a running joke. . 

They have been exposed to enough crude approaches to be weary of pervey middle-aged men. Very few of them would risk the ridicule of going home with one even if they were open to the idea of giving a porn performance for a glass of wine.. They know that these men consider them little more then a collection of holes and need only chose from among them and they will follow like sexbots. 

Seriously, if you want a divorce, think of some other credible reason, there may be more to this than you are admitting. Stop regarding young women as sperm receptacles, they are people with feelings and an agenda of their own that may not include offering themselves to you. 

Divorcing for sex may backfire terribly. There may not be porn sex waiting for you. You end up losing your family for very little but many years trying to replace them.


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## TheOne1 (Dec 27, 2011)

why do people always want more.... 


ehh.. humans.


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

Is the grass truly greener on the other side? Usually not. At first it is different and exciting! And then, it becomes the same old, same old.

I've been to bars, never been drunk because I don't like not being in control of myself like that and I don't feel like I've missed out on anything.

My stbx husband was my first everything, he started cheating on me a month after we got married, denied it for over a year leaving me completely broken.

Now I'm living the "single life" dating, etc. It's not that great! It's a pain in the ass meeting new people, wondering "hey, is he really interested in me or is he just gonna stop talking to me after we get in the sack?" 

I think you should be grateful for what you have because a lot of people would love to have a pretty good marriage. You can't get your 20's back and the experiences you think you missed out on.

TALK to your wife, take her to victoria secret (or shop online if she's not too comfortable going in to the store). Spice things up 

Drop the young chick...she's OBVIOUSLY a home wrecker...not a classy, quality woman like your wife.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Didn't read all the replies, but if you can't discuss this with your wife, then you do have a problem. Being truly committed and trusting is part of a good marriage--and that means being ablet to say the really hard things, like, "Honey, I really want to experiment more sexually." If she isn't responsive to this type of discussion, you have to take it to the next level: "I know this will be hard for you to hear but I've been fantasizing about what I missed in never having sex with other women, and it is making me unhappy." Or whatever feels right for you. Please tell her it is not a criticism of her; it's an expression of your need to bring her into something important to you--a more varied sex life is ultimately the best answer, but she can't offer to do that if you aren't telling her it is important.


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## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

Looks like you got very lucky. You are living the dream. Known her since 6th grade, your first, she is still in shape. Every one should be that lucky. Just talk to her on how you feel and work on the things that bug you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Your one of the luckiest men in the world. What do you think all those guys in the bars etc. are looking for. they are looking for the woman you already have. And guess what, they're not going to find a decent woman in a club. 

Screw this up and your wife will be snapped up in a heart beat.

People telling you you have missed something have no idea what they missed.

I didn't get married till I was in my thirties and have two wonderful children. The parties clubs and bars are,thankfully, long ago wasted time/ memories. Wish I had better sense back then.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

accept said:


> Reading your story it sounds like your wife is really more like your mom. I would advise you to tell her everything you have written here. Otherwise you have no chance of 'getting out' of it. She seems to be better than you in everything which is no recipe for a good marriage. Does she look down on you and fully control you. You know best how she will take it, but unless she 'gives' somewhat something will happen.


:iagree:
accept is totally right here. You have no idea how lucky you are to have such a healthy marriage after 20 years. The fact that you are still intimate frequently is something many others would kill for after 20 years of marriage. The only thing wrong here in your marriage is that you are not being the independant man you are and sticking up for yourself to get yourself un-labeled as the "6th child". You are being treated like a child and feeling resentment for it, but YOU are not actively taking steps to change that perception about yourself. You are deferring to everything your wife wants, and therefore leaving yourself with no say or opinion in your lives together.

You don't need another woman dude, you just need to feel like you still have some balls hanging between your legs. Your wife sounds like a spectacular woman that truly loves you and desires you... Now just fight for your manhood and prove yourself as an independent in your relationship and you'll find youself more attractive (and attracted towards her as she accepts you as a man in the process).


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## confuzed1 (Dec 28, 2011)

Thanks for your responses...

Wow, I'm still reeling over what she did over NYE. I mentioned in another thread how she discussed that she has high sex drive and I really took it as a joke from a 40yo woman.

I told her that I think our life is boring. I also mentioned to her that we were together so long I almost feel like I'm her son... She booked last minute tickets to Las Vegas for NYE, dropped the kids at her parents and told them she has a last minute business meeting and the fun began.

She bought a tight fitting hot size 2 dress and we had a great night, limo ride, dinner, casino, etc. I can't believe how good she looks after all those kids, I never saw her in such a revealing outfit, with some tasteful makeup and heels. She changed into it in the hotel room, I almost passed out when I saw her. She told me to go explore the hotel for 2 hours and come back lol.

I work with some women her age and, nothing personal, but if they dressed like that..ummm..it wouldn't be pretty.

That was hotter to me than even seeing her nude. Much hotter even than the homewrecker I was with. She told me one of her female employees helped her pick it last minute. I was dressed formally with a suit and tie.

I noticed a lot of men looking at her. Then after a fun evening we went in the elevator and while we were going up to our expensive room she opened her pocketbook, looked at her iphone and then took out handcuffs. I'll never forget what happened next, a man remarked how he hopes one day he could afford an experience like that with such a hot escort. Then I said she is my wife, the guy laughed and kinda muttered you wish, and she turned to me and said "In your wet dreams" and the next thing I knew I was up against the wall and her tongue was down my throat. Then the guy said .."well..someone is going to have a very happy new year!"

I don't want this to sound like penthouse letters but I truly had the best "date" or whatever I had in my life. She was in control most of the time and it was the biggest turnon I ever had. She said if you feel I am a "mom" think of me as your best friends hot single mom who seduced you and is teaching you the ropes. Then she said can you be man enough to fulfill all my sexual needs or not? Worked for me!

I wish there was alcohol involved but "mom" didn't allow it . There were bottles in the room. I never drank in my life(beyond an occasional glass of wine at a wedding) but I read a lot of booze really increases fun during sex.

I think this experience though did wonders for our marriage. I'm glad she was able to figure out what had to be done, even though it is extremely out of character for her to be that way. Today she is back in her jeans and teeshirt, cooking us lunch, like nothing happened. She just winks at me every so often.

If I could only get a bit more control though in this marriage and have some of my decisions carry more weight...


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Most likely she is reading all this here.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I dont know why you think you got a raw deal with an early marriage. You must be one hell of a man to inspire that kind of devotion and responsiveness!!

I am stealing her playbook. I have played it safe for longer that I needed and I have long wanted to have my fantasies come true. Thank your wife for me please. 

:FIREdevil: It's on for MrC in 2012. :FIREdevil:


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Oh, got carried away there.

Next time you want to have a drink in a situation that is safe have the drink. 

Tell her calmly that you need to decided what you want and within reason, you want to experience the full range of life. Tell her you need that to be happy as a man in the marriage. Ask her if she can support you in your journey to become a new man for her. 

First, tell her how much you love her and how lucky you feel that you both are.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

confuzed1 said:


> I confess I had very sexual thoughts about that woman, especially after she took my hand. Of course nothing went on and we were never in private. Honestly, If my wife saw my face when she held up that lingerie she would probably kill me.
> 
> Now I'm wondering if I should be honest with my wife. I know if she came to me with something like that I would be furious , but I would want to know. My wife also indirectly knows the woman, she met her at a holiday party.
> 
> Maybe I should just forget this whole thing and be thankful that it never went any farther.


Imagine this. You are in a one bedroom apartment. You get to see your kids every other week if you are lucky. Your wife has moved on and is dating a stable man and doesn't even want to talk to you. 

You have a good life and are about to blow it all away for a stupid fantasy. And, no, do not tell you wife that you are an idiot.

You didn't miss anything. Only hangovers, headaches and the unending drama and BS that is the dating scene.

Get a baby sitter and you and your wife go on some dates.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Post my first reply before the entire thread was there. Looks like your wife knows how to party. You're not missing anything. Looks like you have a pretty good deal. WOW


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## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

One thing about drinking is that you might have forgot some of the things that happened in that trip. You are one lucky guy.


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## confuzed1 (Dec 28, 2011)

CrazyGuy said:


> One thing about drinking is that you might have forgot some of the things that happened in that trip. You are one lucky guy.


I'm glad I remember everything from that night. My wife is one smart cookie though - she is a businesslady who created and sold websites for serious money, apps etc. She writes the software for them and does the marketing. I think the fact that we had very strong interests in common (software development is one, but there are others, including cooking) kept us together. I still remember in 6th grade how she demonstrated a program she wrote in a math class and I raised my hand and asked her 10 questions about it. We were friends since. I think my wife my have Aspergers though. My coworker thought so.

I've seen her speak at conferences and I was extremely impressed. I admit that years ago, when she made a very substantial amount of money, I feared she would leave me for someone very successful. I don't think my wife would be single for more than a week. I know for a fact high status men were very interested in her.

I think she applied some of that shrewd business thinking to our marriage. 
I was thinking of linking to her online profile here but I worry it would come back to bite me. 

What she did (in my eyes) is to rebrand herself for me. She is now a premium brand in my eyes, like Amazon is for shopping. And of course loyalty comes along with that. I don't know if everyone can pull it off though.

Is she reading this - I hope not - I have every precaution not to leave any trails about my web surfing. Unless she comes here on her own I'm safe. Somehow even if she saw this, I think she knew I was unhappy and may have had conflicting thoughts. 

One of my daughters is pretty computer smart and tried to hide her tracks but wifey found out anyway. 

I got caught with looking at porn once and got the third degree.


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## bellamaxjoy (Oct 27, 2011)

deejov said:


> Read up on how to have an affair with your wife.
> 
> Read up on how to spice up your sex life.
> 
> ...


gonna hollar here so that you hear me. I and my husband are surviving his infidelity, but it almost killed me.
LISTEN TO ME, ALL THOSE MEN ARE SEEKING A LIFE COMPANION, THEY ARE TRYING NOT TO BE ALONE. GET OVER YOURSELF AND SEE THAT YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR WIFES SEX ATTITUDES WITH COUNSELING.


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## bellamaxjoy (Oct 27, 2011)

OKAY sorry, I didnt read the whole post before ranting. Please explore all these feelings you have with your wife, she will repay you in many ways.......


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