# Can you recover from an unhappy spouse?



## life_navigator (May 4, 2020)

UPDATE May 4th: Wife has all but said she wants a divorce. I think the actual words are hard for her to say, but "I think this is what I need to do for myself." and "I think splitting up would be best for everyone." says enough. Since my original wording below, I have overcome the pure shock reaction and come to terms with what the future might look like. I am becoming less concerned with "why" and have turned my attention more toward "how", as in how can I best move forward. I appreciate everyone's discussion with me. You've all helped keep me grounded with your thoughts and experiences.

My spouse of 11 years dropped a huge bomb on me today with 4 words: "I'm not happy anymore."

After getting over the initial shock, we began to discuss.

First a little background. Married 11 years, together for about 15 in total. We share a home, two dogs, and two wonderful children. We have no money worries, lots of friends, and a great family support system.

Naturally the activity level in our lives has shifted from going whenever, and doing whatever WE wanted to going wherever, and doing whatever the KIDS want. We, as a family, have definitely become less spontaneous over the last few years.

While discussing specifics of my wife's unhappiness, she revealed this has been true for a little more than a year. She is happy to come home and see the kids, but just not happy to see me. She doesn't hate to see me, but just doesn't get any emotional rise about the thought of coming home to me.

We quickly discovered she really does not know why she is unhappy as of late. She admitted I am a great father, caring husband, and all around thoughtful provider but still does not know why she is unhappy with our marriage. Having known her for so long, I truly believe she is confused about her current feelings. She can't explain with any level of detail, but she just feels unhappy with our marriage. I asked if she feels generally unhappy or depressed, and her answer was "no".

She described how she was always hesitant to tell me for the kids' sake, and her fear that she cannot support herself financially (I make a little more than double what she does). While the former is admirable, the latter hurt very much as it made me feel used.

We ended our conversation with her saying she just needs time to think about it. Now here is where my concern comes in.

I still lover her very much, and care deeply for her. However, if she decides she wants to "stick it out", I'm not sure I can. I believe I will constantly be on guard for the next time she decides she is unhappy. Also, how can I ever be sure she's "actively involved" in the marriage again and not just sticking it out to avoid trouble supporting herself, financially? Even worse, how long until she finds someone else that can support her, and gives her the financial freedom to leave me?

I hate to have these dubious thoughts about her because she really is a kind, caring, and loving woman. I'm just not sure I can move forward without a constant guard up at all times.

So, I wonder. Is it possible to recover from a spouse telling you they are unhappy with your marriage? How does someone move on without constant nagging concern that the future will reveal the eventual fate of divorce?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Well being honest in a marriage is a good thing. She is telling you, that's good. How old are both of you and have either of you seen an individual counselor? 

Have either of you read any marriage books? Do you too still date? Find time to spend with each other and not just as mom and dad?

I don't know what's going on with her but she may feel like she has lost herself in this mommy / wife mode. She may feel like you are more like roommates than lovers or just parents. IN the past is there anything she has stated or asked that doesn't get done? Do you know what her love language is?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Some people would stay in this marriage, others would not.

She admitted she's staying for the money, your money, basically. I would probably consider ending the marriage unless she showed initiative to show me she had solved her problem and she was excited to be married to me, for me.


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## life_navigator (May 4, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Well being honest in a marriage is a good thing. She is telling you, that's good. How old are both of you and have either of you seen an individual counselor?
> 
> Have either of you read any marriage books? Do you too still date? Find time to spend with each other and not just as mom and dad?
> 
> I don't know what's going on with her but she may feel like she has lost herself in this mommy / wife mode. She may feel like you are more like roommates than lovers or just parents. IN the past is there anything she has stated or asked that doesn't get done? Do you know what her love language is?


Thanks for your reply.

We are both 38 years old, and neither of us have seen a counselor. She dropped this surprise news on me just yesterday, so up until then I haven't felt the need for any counseling or book reading. There are no "typical" marriage stressors like money trouble, children with disability, and so on. I am completely blind sided by this, and thought we had a great thing going until about 24 hours ago.

Before the whole pandemic situation, my parents would take the kids 1-2 weekends per month (they love to spoil the kids lol). So, we've always had alone time but here is the twist on that... I would always have the attitude of "Let's get out and do something. We don't have the kids!" with her response typically being "But this is the perfect time to catch up on rest and relaxation!"

When she isn't at work, she's at home in the bed reading books. Combine that with anti-anxiety medication (the both of us) and the lack of motivation to take advantage of "no kid weekends" and that's where I get the idea she is generally unhappy/depressed.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Livvie said:


> Some people would stay in this marriage, others would not.
> 
> She admitted she's staying for the money, your money, basically. I would probably consider ending the marriage unless she showed initiative to show me she had solved her problem and she was excited to be married to me, for me.


On face value yes. 
But she is also right at the age 38 to 45 when women and men start to have a general malaise. They often times feel like something is wrong and direct that feeling at their spouse. It's called a mid-life crisis. Some spend tons of money and have affairs. She is expressing that she is unhappy. While you could say oh she is only staying for the money or even kids. Chances are more is going on. If you do love her and want to see if you two can work through this I'd suggest some of those marriage books. His needs her needs. 5 love languages. And most likely IC or MC. If you've been this happy for so long then isn't it worth trying to figure out what is going on? Of course the heavy lifting is on her side. Only she can figure out why she is unhappy and only she can fix that. But encouragement is always good. 

But I can understand if you take it as some huge insult or whatever. In that case you should get out because you won't get over the resentment and even if she get over her current state you won't. On the face right now I don't think it is a marriage ending event yet. But resentment sure is a marriage ending feeling. 

Balls in your court either commit to working with her and trying to understand where she is and why. Or just start over, there are always more women.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Have you askedwhat would make you happy? we can't find happiness in others, we need to seek it in ourselves...so for her to tell you that she is unhappy to see you when you come home, she is telling you that she likes her kids,home and everything else but you...so what does she want? because she may find that seeing her kids 50% of the time, a smaller house or apartment will not make her happy either.


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## Camper292000 (Nov 7, 2015)

Ouch. But yeah sad and true for us men.
Decide if you're committed to her or not.
If you are..... Make sure that you are happy and know exactly what you want.
And get her juices flowing. Listen and listen to her. Get her to talk and talk and talk. Tell me more about that. Is there anything else? How does that make you feel?
Plan some fun things.....and show her that you are happy and just fine.

'The 180' comes to mind. Take a look at it . Hmmm...I need to again as well.



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## life_navigator (May 4, 2020)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Have you askedwhat would make you happy? we can't find happiness in others, we need to seek it in ourselves...so for her to tell you that she is unhappy to see you when you come home, she is telling you that she likes her kids,home and everything else but you...so what does she want? because she may find that seeing her kids 50% of the time, a smaller house or apartment will not make her happy either.


That's the thing. She doesn't know. I've asked what would make her happy, even from the post-divorce perspective: "What happens after we are divorced? What steps do you take to find happiness?"

Her reply, just like replies to most other questions is "I don't know. I will have to figure that out. I just need to go with what my heart and head are telling me to do."


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## life_navigator (May 4, 2020)

Camper292000 said:


> Ouch. But yeah sad and true for us men.
> Decide if you're committed to her or not.
> If you are..... Make sure that you are happy and know exactly what you want.
> And get her juices flowing. Listen and listen to her. Get her to talk and talk and talk. Tell me more about that. Is there anything else? How does that make you feel?
> ...


I wish I had the notice to do any of those things. As of yesterday things went from fine to "I'm not happy, and want a divorce." From my perspective it was literally the snap of a finger. She even admits she kept her feelings from me for a whole year while she tried to work on it. In my mind, leaving your spouse in the dark is not doing everything you can to work on it...


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Tell us something... Does she spend a lot of time on the phone? 

How is your sex life? 

Have you checked your phone bill, and see who she is calling. 

She describes you are a really great friend, and not anything to do with romantic love? Did you even notice that? 

I think you need to do some looking around...


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

life_navigator said:


> That's the thing. She doesn't know. I've asked what would make her happy, even from the post-divorce perspective: "What happens after we are divorced? What steps do you take to find happiness?"
> 
> Her reply, just like replies to most other questions is "I don't know. I will have to figure that out. I just need to go with what my heart and head are telling me to do."


I think that some of us are not wired to be "happy". I don't experience all that much happiness in life either, at least by the classic definition. Part of the challenge of being like that is to understand that constantly searching for happiness is just greener pasture thinking. The belief that there is happiness out there, if only I could find it, when the real "problem" is the expectation of some ethereal happiness that is not there for the finding, and a failure to recognize that contentment can be good enough.

Not being depressed, and not being unhappy, is a perfectly reasonable place to land most of the time. Happiness might just come in fleeting doses for some. That's OK, if that's how you're wired. It can take some time and introspection to realize this about yourself.


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## Camper292000 (Nov 7, 2015)

So sorry man.

180 time.

Your demeanor now should be TOTALLY FINE. totally calm. Not one hint of neediness at all. You're a rock.

this is the best path I believe , for if you want her back or not.

No begging. You are totally fine. It'll be hard

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## Camper292000 (Nov 7, 2015)

Check out coachgregadams on YouTube. 



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## life_navigator (May 4, 2020)

BluesPower said:


> Tell us something... Does she spend a lot of time on the phone?
> 
> How is your sex life?
> 
> ...


She spends a lot of time reading book, coincidentally on her phone. Sex has dwindled as we've gotten older and had children, but definitely still active.

I see now that she described me as a really great friend. But, remember until yesterday there was zero indication any of this was swirling in her head.

It seems like she has spent the last year making up her mind. So now I'm scrambling to figure out what steps I need to take next.


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## Camper292000 (Nov 7, 2015)

I just looked back at that line that you said that she said...

I'll just go with what my heart and my head are telling me.

She's falling for the big lie of feminism. It's destroying nuclear families. It's so sad. 

I don't think vows have anything that says I'll love you forever unless I'm not happy anymore....but that's what they believe and are told in every direction.

So sorry man. This is our world now Protect yourself! 

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## life_navigator (May 4, 2020)

Cletus said:


> I think that some of us are not wired to be "happy". I don't experience all that much happiness in life either, at least by the classic definition. Part of the challenge of being like that is to understand that constantly searching for happiness is just greener pasture thinking. The belief that there is happiness out there, if only I could find it, when the real "problem" is the expectation of some ethereal happiness that is not there for the finding, and a failure to recognize that contentment can be good enough.
> 
> Not being depressed, and not being unhappy, is a perfectly reasonable place to land most of the time. Happiness might just come in fleeting doses for some. That's OK, if that's how you're wired. It can take some time and introspection to realize this about yourself.


We talked a lot about exactly that. I told her she can't compare our relationship/family to Facebook posts of perfection. I even used the "grass is greener on the other side" cliche.


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## TA5353 (May 4, 2020)

Been thru this - married 17 years and assumed everything was fine, then about a year and a half ago my wife hit me with the "I feel like we are roommates, not lovers." My first thought was to care to her needs and to seek counseling. We did that and it seemed as if things would / could be good again. Unfortunately, it popped back up in the fall, then again a few months ago. Bottom line - THERE IS NOTHING that you can do to change an unhappy person. Ultimately, they have to take steps (and stay committed) to finding and then helping themselves. Often times, the "mid life" crisis is disguised as depression - there is something that she is struggling with in her life (Different roles, reflection on dreams that haven't come true, etc) that she needs to deal with. If she understands this and wants to invest in working through these issues, you have a chance. If not, separation / divorce is inevitable. Even more, your life will likely become a roller coaster as she bounces back and forth between being happy and then miserable with her life.


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## life_navigator (May 4, 2020)

TA5353 said:


> Been thru this - married 17 years and assumed everything was fine, then about a year and a half ago my wife hit me with the "I feel like we are roommates, not lovers." My first thought was to care to her needs and to seek counseling. We did that and it seemed as if things would / could be good again. Unfortunately, it popped back up in the fall, then again a few months ago. Bottom line - THERE IS NOTHING that you can do to change an unhappy person. Ultimately, they have to take steps (and stay committed) to finding and then helping themselves. Often times, the "mid life" crisis is disguised as depression - there is something that she is struggling with in her life (Different roles, reflection on dreams that haven't come true, etc) that she needs to deal with. If she understands this and wants to invest in working through these issues, you have a chance. If not, separation / divorce is inevitable. Even more, your life will likely become a roller coaster as she bounces back and forth between being happy and then miserable with her life.


Thanks for sharing your experience. What you describe is exactly what I want to avoid. I'm not sure I can ever truly trust that she won't become unhappy with the marriage again...even if she did move mountains to work on it. I think that is coming from the straight up shock and awe approach she took with this whole thing. No indication, then BAM a huge punch to the gut.


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## Camper292000 (Nov 7, 2015)

You mention the medication.... They do have their purposes and help for a time until your brain is able to process some things.

Xanax is a soul destroyer.

Why are you on it and what do you need to work on? What would give you peace?

From many things I've read.....you have to go THROUGH the uncomfortable things. You gotta FEEL the FEELS. 

With the caveat that they are some bad counselors out there,.... Look around and find a really good one that challenges you and feels safe . It's time to deal with it.

You cannot fight anxiety. You can't. The is difficult for men to realize because we 'fight' against threats and wild bears and lions .....this threat you have to sit beside it. Even hold it's hand. Fear is false evidence appearing real.

You got this!



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## life_navigator (May 4, 2020)

Camper292000 said:


> You mention the medication.... They do have their purposes and help for a time until your brain is able to process some things.
> 
> Xanax is a soul destroyer.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the words of encouragement.

I'm on it because of sudden, unpredictable panic attacks. The condition runs in my Father's side of the family, and is obviously very dangerous in certain circumstances.

She's on a different one due to general anxiety disorder that was leading to outbursts at the kids.

We've both been on the lowest dose for 2 and half years or so and both agree they take care of our primary symptoms.


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## life_navigator (May 4, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Some people would stay in this marriage, others would not.
> 
> She admitted she's staying for the money, your money, basically. I would probably consider ending the marriage unless she showed initiative to show me she had solved her problem and she was excited to be married to me, for me.


I don't think I can stay. Knowing she has the capacity and willingness to keep her feelings and such a huge decision from me for a year, I don't think I can ever trust her to be completely honest with me.

I would be living the rest of my life wondering when she would put me through this stress again.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

life_navigator said:


> I don't think I can stay. Knowing she has the capacity and willingness to keep her feelings and such a huge decision from me for a year, I don't think I can ever trust her to be completely honest with me.
> 
> I would be living the rest of my life wondering when she would put me through this stress again.


She wasn't dishonest with you, just circumspect. I think it's actually wise to consider your position carefully before coming to your spouse and saying "I'm unhappy". No actual decision has been made, correct? 

She WAS honest with you. You weren't served with divorce papers, you were "served" with an unhappy spouse and a difficult conversation. That's part of the marriage contract, methinks.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

You are room mates. Kids first is the wrong approach. Spouses first which generates a happy relationship that translates into happy kids. Your W told you the same thing my W told me. Great dad, good husband, great provider but....the connection of love/intimacy is non-existent. My W was correct. I was failing in this area. Thankfully my W spoke up just as your W did. 

I began "dating" my W again. My actions generated greater reactions from my W. We are in a great place now. 

What is your typical week with your W?


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## life_navigator (May 4, 2020)

Cletus said:


> She wasn't dishonest with you, just circumspect. I think it's actually wise to consider your position carefully before coming to your spouse and saying "I'm unhappy". No actual decision has been made, correct?
> 
> She WAS honest with you. You weren't served with divorce papers, you were "served" with an unhappy spouse and a difficult conversation. That's part of the marriage contract, methinks.


You do make a good point. However, I feel like pretending to love someone for a year falls under the dishonest category. A few months to see if it's a phase, sure. An entire year, I can't accept that as only an abundance of caution.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad she finally broke down and told me. No one should have to live with that burden on their shoulders. At the end of the day, she's the mother of my children and I want what's best for her so that echoes through my children.

As for a decision, yes she has pretty well made up her mind although she doesn't know why she feels it's right. That's what I'm having such a hard time grappling with. Everything she says sounds like vague, general depression words, and I would love nothing more than to help her get through that. But she is not truly interested in going down that path; only "not opposed" as she phrased it.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

life_navigator said:


> You do make a good point. However, I feel like pretending to love someone for a year falls under the dishonest category. A few months to see if it's a phase, sure. An entire year, I can't accept that as only an abundance of caution.


She didn't say she did not love you - at least, you haven't said that yet in this conversation to us. She said she was unhappy. The two are not the same. 




> As for a decision, yes she has pretty well made up her mind although she doesn't know why she feels it's right. That's what I'm having such a hard time grappling with. Everything she says sounds like vague, general depression words, and I would love nothing more than to help her get through that. But she is not truly interested in going down that path; only "not opposed" as she phrased it.


Neither of you is probably equipped to determine if she has clinical depression or not, and a lack of interest in finding out is what some depressed people would say. I think you probably need an answer to this question before knowing what to do long term.


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## life_navigator (May 4, 2020)

Yeswecan said:


> You are room mates. Kids first is the wrong approach. Spouses first which generates a happy relationship that translates into happy kids. Your W told you the same thing my W told me. Great dad, good husband, great provider but....the connection of love/intimacy is non-existent. My W was correct. I was failing in this area. Thankfully my W spoke up just as your W did.
> 
> I began "dating" my W again. My actions generated greater reactions from my W. We are in a great place now.
> 
> What is your typical week with your W?


Thanks for sharing your experience. I agree kids first is the wrong approach, but I have tried to make sure we didn't go down that path. Let me explain:

A typical week is work -> dinner / homework with kids -> wife hits the bed to read a book in silence -> i head to the office room to give her the quiet she wants.

On the weekend we either hang out by our pool if the weather is nice, or head to a nearby big city to spend the day. On the weekends where my parents take the kids (1 or 2 weekends every month), she wants to "catch up on rest and relaxation" at home.

On the surface this does seem pretty damn pathetic and almost embarrassing to share. But here is the twist. I am the one that suggests a "movie night" or watching a new series together during the week. I'm always the one to say "Let's go do something, we don't have the kids!" only to be met with "no, this is the perfect time to catch up on rest. I want to read my books."


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## life_navigator (May 4, 2020)

Cletus said:


> She didn't say she did not love you - at least, you haven't said that yet in this conversation to us. She said she was unhappy. The two are not the same.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You're right, I did leave that part out. Not intentionally. At one point she said she feels like we are just roommates and that she is not in love with me anymore. Similar to everything else, she says she doesn't know why.

You're also right in that I can't diagnose her. But in retrospect, I have seen a gradual shift from a much more extroverted person, to someone who would rather lay in bed and read a book above all else. This is where I believe I failed her. I saw signs but didn't take action. Now I believe it's too late.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

life_navigator said:


> Thanks for sharing your experience. What you describe is exactly what I want to avoid. I'm not sure I can ever truly trust that she won't become unhappy with the marriage again...even if she did move mountains to work on it. I think that is coming from the straight up shock and awe approach she took with this whole thing. No indication, then BAM a huge punch to the gut.


How would you have liked her to tell him?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Did she actually tell you she wants a divorce? Has she made up her mind!


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## life_navigator (May 4, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> How would you have liked her to tell him?


Not so much how, but "when". I'm very big on communication in relationships, and any form of "hey babe, I'm having these feelings. do you think we should seek professional help?" would have been great.

I understand there is no good way to break this sort of news to someone. It's all about the length of time that bothers me.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

life_navigator said:


> Thanks for sharing your experience. I agree kids first is the wrong approach, but I have tried to make sure we didn't go down that path. Let me explain:
> 
> A typical week is work -> dinner / homework with kids -> wife hits the bed to read a book in silence -> i head to the office room to give her the quiet she wants.
> 
> ...


No, it is not pathetic. You are making an effort. Spend time together in the pool(no kids sometimes I hope). Spend a day together(no kids I hope). Suggest movie nights, etc. But during the weekends the kids are away your W takes rest and relaxation time at home. Your W is not making any effort. Begs the question...why are you not happy like you W? Your W is very detached by all appearances. If that is the case and you have attempted to keep the connection(I see you have), the next weekend that is kid free...leave. No reason for you to sit idle by while your W is reading a book relaxing. Relaxing for your W does not happen with you. Your and your W happiness should not be dependent on each other. Only you can make you happy. Only your W can make herself happy. Leave for the day. Let your W see that life will go on before and after her "decision" which greatly affects everyone involved. Don't sit idle by while your W figures out her future. This is the path I would suggest and take myself if my W was acting and reacting as yours. Sorry it has come to this.


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## life_navigator (May 4, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> Did she actually tell you she wants a divorce? Has she made up her mind!


Not in those specific words. But we did talk briefly today and she said "this is just something i feel like i have to do."

I think you have indirectly pointed out that the situation has evolved since my post last night, and I'm conversing with answers based on the now versus what the situation was then...


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## Camper292000 (Nov 7, 2015)

And along those lines I believe chasing after her is a turn off even though that's the message that a man gets in this scenario.

Do you know 'the 180'?

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## life_navigator (May 4, 2020)

Camper292000 said:


> And along those lines I believe chasing after her is a turn off even though that's the message that a man gets in this scenario.
> 
> Do you know 'the 180'?
> 
> Sent from my LM-V350 using Tapatalk


Yes, obviously a lot has unfolded sent my original post. Most importantly, I'm coming to terms with what the future might look like.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

life_navigator said:


> You're right, I did leave that part out. Not intentionally. At one point she said she feels like we are just roommates and that she is not in love with me anymore. Similar to everything else, she says she doesn't know why.
> 
> You're also right in that I can't diagnose her. But in retrospect, I have seen a gradual shift from a much more extroverted person, to someone who would rather lay in bed and read a book above all else. This is where I believe I failed her. I saw signs but didn't take action. Now I believe it's too late.


 


life_navigator said:


> Yes, obviously a lot has unfolded sent my original post. Most importantly, I'm coming to terms with what the future might look like.


Whatever the case, do not take blame for where the marriage is now. Marriage is 50/50. You own your 50%. You posted that you spend time together, day trips, etc. But when your have a free weekend no kids your W wants to stay home. Yet, you offer a weekend away. Makes no sense. And again, you can not make your W happy. That is something only your W can do. At this juncture, it may be time to state, "crap or get off the pot". You can't sit in limbo as your W reads another romance book.


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## life_navigator (May 4, 2020)

Yeswecan said:


> ...And again, you can not make your W happy. That is something only your W can do...


That is exactly what she's saying. She doesn't know what will make her happy, but she knows she's not currently and needs to leave to find out.

How someone can take such drastic action without knowing why is outside of my realm of understanding.

But, ultimately I won't try to stop her, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't care about her quality of life when she leaves. I imagine it will be quite some time before I can stop wondering and worrying about her day-to-day well being.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

life_navigator said:


> That is exactly what she's saying. She doesn't know what will make her happy, but she knows she's not currently and needs to leave to find out.
> 
> How someone can take such drastic action without knowing why is outside of my realm of understanding.
> 
> But, ultimately I won't try to stop her, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't care about her quality of life when she leaves. I imagine it will be quite some time before I can stop wondering and worrying about her day-to-day well being.


Your W is not open to MC or IC?


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## life_navigator (May 4, 2020)

Yeswecan said:


> Your W is not open to MC or IC?


"I am not opposed to trying and seeing what comes from it"

Not very inspiring of hope.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

life_navigator said:


> "I am not opposed to trying and seeing what comes from it"
> 
> Not very inspiring of hope.


Just odd. It is almost like a onset of depression. You are quite certain there is no one else in the picture? Your W just may very well be a Walk Away Wife. Search this.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

What book(s) is she reading on her phone?

What is the subject matter/genre?


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## life_navigator (May 4, 2020)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> What book(s) is she reading on her phone?
> 
> What is the subject matter/genre?


I'd say a mix of crime/detective, mystery, and romance.


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## TA5353 (May 4, 2020)

If it is depression or related to mental health, you have to understand that you are not the cause. Therefore, you should not feel guilt or a sense that you did something wrong. People who are depressed often look for a rationale behind their feelings IE "It's your fault that I feel this way." Truth be told, however, it's not that simple.

Like I mentioned in an earlier post, if she is aware of her situation and ready to deal with it, you may have a chance to salvage things. That said, she has to be committed and you have to be aware that you are gonna go thru some rough times as she back tracks or loses focus. 

In my case, I hung in there - she was "sick" so I was gonna be the committed partner who helped her thru her dark times. When I made that decision, a counselor asked, "Are you sure you are ready for this?" Of course I said yes, but in hindsight I wasn't. For instance, I never expected her to leave via text message (Only for me to ask her to please come back), then later be caught off guard again when she told me that she was leaving. It truly was a roller coaster that disrupted my life. Could not relax or think about planning for the future.

We are in the divorce process, and though not every moment has been perfect, I am beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel. When you go through it, you have to literally rebuild yourself (Self esteem, finances, etc.) At this point, I'm beginning to think that the thing that I was trying to avoid (Divorce) might be the best thing that ever happened to me. It has freed me from a bad relationship, and helped me re-find myself and set new goals. It has also led me to believe that I might finally find the great relationship that this marriage locked me out of.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> What book(s) is she reading on her phone?
> 
> What is the subject matter/genre?


Probably sex with her boyfriend. I’m getting a cheating vibe. I can’t believe no one else is??


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Probably sex with her boyfriend. I’m getting a cheating vibe. I can’t believe no one else is??
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I was getting the idea as well, however, there is zero mention of the OP W disappearing for no reason, phone hiding or other red flags.


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## Camper292000 (Nov 7, 2015)

I didn't want to mention that you seem to ride on all of your wife's words. and emotions. The up and down. The ebb and flow. You can read about the Dynamics of masculine and feminine energy. We both have both.

But... Don't ride her emotions. Don't take every word she says literally.

I know looking back on my marriage I saw where I needed to lead and really step up to that role. (Of course it was such a power battle for no reason....I wasn't allowed to lead or have access to the checking account!)

Going through divorce is like going through a meat grinder. You will have to rebuild your finances and your self-esteem and identity. Regardless... Work on being the leader of your own life and figure out what that means. And don't be swayed by all the emo words being thrown at you.


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## Camper292000 (Nov 7, 2015)

You might enjoy reading some of the articles on this website. I've had four years to try to figure out what happened and I'm still working on it! You are lucky that your wife is talking to you about her feelings.



http://dadstartingover.com/dsos-relationship-rules/




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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Bud, just as a quick check go online download your phone bill Dara and check for anything obvious.

only takes 15 minutes or so.


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