# Her Fortieth birthday, lack of passion



## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

My W will be 40 next week. The children want a party of some sort. We have some financial problems and my W doesn't want anything big.

My problem lies in her lack of passion towards me and that her constant depression is driving me away. I don't feel like buying her a present nor throwing a party. On the other hand I would let the kids down by doing nothing. 

Should I just man up, throw the fake party, give gifts and leave all issues out of the equation until a week later and then try to talk this through? Communication is eggshell thin between us at the moment.

Please advise me!


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Giver her the party. If you don't, you disappoint the kids and potentially make things worse between you and your wife.

Has she been to a doctor about her depression? Any idea what brought it on?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

lonesomegra said:


> My W will be 40 next week. The children want a party of some sort. We have some financial problems and my W doesn't want anything big.
> 
> My problem lies in her lack of passion towards me and that her constant depression is driving me away. I don't feel like buying her a present nor throwing a party. On the other hand I would let the kids down by doing nothing.
> 
> ...


Been there done that bought the shirts. A lot of women if not most go thru this at around 40. They are having hormonal changes, and then they get to questioning their lives. Is this all there is and such. 
Give her space, and don't push they relationship thing. If she starts the separation thing, don't beg her to stay. Tell her you want her to be happy, and hope she doesn't take you up on it.
When this hit my wife ten years ago I begged her to stay and I think I came across weak and pathetic. I wish I would have told her to do what ever she needed to do to be happy, because it has been a long 10 years, and it's still not that great.
All my older friends told me this would happen, and I didn't believe them, but they knew what they were talking about.
I wish the very best.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Stupid iPad doesn't do paragraphs


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

As far as my W depression goes it is long rooted but she lies about it and smiles too easily outside the house. Once inside her dark moods surface and are way worse when it is the two of us alone. That said even our eight year old daughter notices how she acts and how her grumpiness affects the entire household.

She blames both herself for not being a good enough wife and me for hurtful acts. I feel she projects her own failings on me. Her biggest failing being her downright laziness and the fact that she married me without actually loving me. The loving part was admitted about 5 years after marriage when she then said she had 'fallen in love with me.' I think she says 'I love you' as an automatic response but it sounds hollow to me.

We will be 18 years married and 21 years together next month.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Thound said:


> Stupid iPad doesn't do paragraphs


Tapatalk.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Have the kids throw the party. How old are they? Oh, and buy presents but only from the kids.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Do a kid party and gifts from them only.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

We were just talking about this at work today. Consensus was most women really don't want parties for their 40th. I know I didn't and I certainly don't want one for my 50th.

When I our group of friends were all turning 40, almost all the men had 40th birthday parties, none of the women did.


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

The kids are 8, 14 & 15. I can't get them to work together ever without leadership and promise of rewards. I am using their gift suggestions.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Dude, if the kids are the one's wanting the party for their mom, then they can lead it. The 14 and 15 year old are plenty old enough for this responsibility. Time for them to learn to step it up. You can't be their crutch forever.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

throw a modest party and get her something thoughtful.

then make up your mind to either put your foot down and work on the marriage or throw the towel in and call a lawyer.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

soccermom2three said:


> We were just talking about this at work today. Consensus was most women really don't want parties for their 40th. I know I didn't and I certainly don't want one for my 50th.


See I'm just the opposite. Normally I hate birthday parties but dang it I wanted one for my 40th and I'm already thinking about what I want for my 50th. 

Just goes to prove we are ALL different.

Thread jack over.....


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## otisjpqu (Jul 23, 2013)

I know I didn't and I certainly don't want one for my 50th.


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## agreenbough (Oct 1, 2012)

I think you should let the kids do it, and help them. Think of it as something you're doing for them, if it makes it wasier for you.

By the way, have you ever actually called your wife lazy to her face? My husband has used that word with me, when he really has no idea how much I actually do. Just because the kitchen is clean when he gets home doesn't mean it hasn't been touched, it means I cooked, and then cleaned it up. Being called lazy causes A LOT of resentment.


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## agreenbough (Oct 1, 2012)

easier, not wasier......


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

No I have never called her lazy but the breakfast, lunch & dinner dishes, pots, pans, various glasses and empty bottles often clutter the sink and she will leave them there until the next day to wash them. If I go near them or offer to do them she will start a row. 

The only time I get away with washing them is if I do them when she is gone half the day. She thinks because I 'wash them better' than her that I am showing her up. It is this babyish attitude that I am up against. There are other examples but this is the easiest to display her mindset. Don't get me started on her dressing down, or not washing herself!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Have you talked to her about going to
counseling and getting a check up? 
How long has she been like this? 
I got married and a month later turned 40. I was so caught up in the wedding and honeymoon I didn't think it would bother me, but it was like being hit with a ton of bricks.
I would ask her if she wants a party.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

lonesomegra said:


> No I have never called her lazy but the breakfast, lunch & dinner dishes, pots, pans, various glasses and empty bottles often clutter the sink and she will leave them there until the next day to wash them. If I go near them or offer to do them she will start a row.
> 
> The only time I get away with washing them is if I do them when she is gone half the day. She thinks because I 'wash them better' than her that I am showing her up. It is this babyish attitude that I am up against. There are other examples but this is the easiest to display her mindset. Don't get me started on her dressing down, or not washing herself!


Not washing herself? How long has that been going on?


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

At times she finds it hard to open up to me. She hated with a vengeance MC. Asking her to seek help is like trying to drag a lion with my bare hands. In MC she said as little as possible. She has been this way for about 10 years at least. 

She is younger than me, I'm 43, but looks about 6 years older than me. A friend was shocked when I told him her age, as he thought her way older. It don't help that of her visible upper front teeth she has only half a tooth left. She refuses to go to the dentist. I eat the same food as her and have reasonable teeth because I go to the dentist often.

But she masks everything with an air of false merriment.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Does she have other signs of mental illness?


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

Whoah there! Are you actually saying these are signs of mental disability? Please be serious as I have encountered various forms of this from within my own family. One sister is so unstable I have nothing to do with her. That sister frightens me. 

Anything my W has is not as severe as my sister. Would refusing to go out with me be another example? Or that she flinches at my touch alot?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Yes to all of the above. I don't like when people diagnose each other but not washing, letting your teeth rot out, being depressed, refusing to speak in MC, it all seems like symptoms of a possible mental illness. It could be that she's very depressed.


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

So what professional do I talk to tactically that does not dismiss this as just turning 40 or that can see deeper than her mask. More importantly how do I get her there?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Didn't the MC say anything to you about her?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

lonesomegra said:


> So what professional do I talk to tactically that does not dismiss this as just turning 40 or that can see deeper than her mask. More importantly how do I get her there?


If your wife is clinically depressed, she needs to seek medical treatment. You cannot force her to go; you cannot fix her.

Also, turning 40 does not cause clinical depression...sigh......

I think you should do something nice for her birthday. Show some compassion for a possible "sick" woman...your wife...the mother of your 3 children.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

How about for her 40th try and really make an effort to help her her depression. Try to understand it from _her_ perspective and help her to help herself. I think if you can it will pay dividends for the both of you.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Do the party, at least let the kids plan a small party.. Let them be the "hosts" & put on the show. That way, if she "hates" it, she doesn't have to blame you, and soon enough she'll forgive her kids.

About the depression/mental instability... Acknowledge the 40 birthday party first. Then, try to set up an appointment with a psychologist/psychiatrist with her sometime after. (WITH her, not for her.)

Having you point out all the anti-social things in front of her to the doctor, might wake her up a bit. Yes, she'll be unhappy about it, and she'll most likely be embarrassed. But tell , her, you need to do it this way, because you are very concerned. You need a professional opinion if there is something that can be done to make her happy again. Even if it is just the doctor giving you advice on being more tolerant of her. (Say it that way infront of the doctor.)

Above is my replies after reading the whole discussions so far.
Below: what I originally was going to say:

I am kind of an anti-social person myself. I don't remember a huge depression coming on before I turned 40, but, yes, definitely something going on unhappily in my mind at that time.

I want to say.. My husband surprised me with an electric green 2000 Ford Mustang (used) for my 40th birthday!.. Wow. What a gift. I still relish and tell people in my proud voice about it. Mostly, its young girls.. or teen girls that drool over it. I tend to reply "It was a gift from my hubby on my 40th birthday!.. I don't mind turning 40 if that's what you get for it!" lol.

I realize that the financial situation doesn't have you getting lavish gifts. I'm not trying to tell you to buy her a car, or something expensive. I'm saying that if you get her something she can proudly show off... maybe that will help with the unhappiness of turning 40- if that is what her depression is about. It was more of the fact that he really tried to get something I'd enjoy, then the actual gift itself, that made such an impression on me at the time.

Once, after a fightful time between hubby & me... He went downstairs & I cried in the bedroom all night. When I went downstairs in the morning, he had painted me a picture of flowers (He couldn't afford to buy them.- And we had the paints& a canvas lying around due to son's art class at the time). He wrote words of loving me forever... of tears running down the side of the painting.. and a crude drawing of a frog. (I love frogs). It's a pretty rough/amateurish painting. But I LOVE it. It hangs in my bedroom now. I don't display it in the living room, only because he would be embarassed.. But I absolutely love & cherish that painting.

He wanted to pitch it after a few days, because 'it was just his way to give me flowers to say sorry'. Wasn't meant as a permanent item. Well.. I won't let him pitch it. Honestly, when he passes away, I will probably get it framed & move it to the living room.

Just give her something she can be proud about receiving for her 40th birthday. It means more to a woman than she cares to admit. Even me. & I really don't think birthdays' are a big whooopla at all.


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

Ok just a follow up on how W's birthday went. I did end up buying her a present - not an expensive one - and she is happy with it, in addition to flowers and party food. The kids put in a big effort and she enjoying being surrounded by them. 

I was paid lip-service thanks, got a few kisses and nothing more. As is her way she always makes a greater effort for her birth family than the togetherness of ours. She will dress up for them and go out with them but not with me. I think she has 'little girl never grown up' syndrome (my definition.) That said she is very worried about her sister who has a reoccurance of cancer and has to have a face altering operation. I only heard her voice strong concern today. My W says has been sleeping badly of late.

I went out without her last night. I wasn't home until 4am. She told me she came downstairs last night at 2:30am and saw I wasn't home. She said she was worried about me. So I asked why didn't she phone or text me. She said 'I wouldn't do that.' I just can't figure her out.


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