# Completely and Utterly at a Loss



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

I am at my wit's end with the situation with EXW and seeing my boy on Skype.

I have come here in the the hope that I can gain some advice.

I will not go over the story as some of you know the tragic tale. The only info I can offer to this is that EXW lives with my son interstate and I only see him for maybe 20 minutes of Skype every weekend. When it suits her.

It is doing my head in. She just sits there, like a statue and offers absolutely just the bare minimum. I just get one word answers. For example, I ask how his week has been and she just says 'Good'. How's he sleeping? Good. Any milestones or stories from the week? 'No.' One word answers for every question. 

I could just sit there in silence for the whole time. Yes I try to make conversation. But communication is becoming quite literally, impossible. She just sits there, like a statue. She never smiles or laughs. She also looks very, very aged. She doesn't have any life in her eyes. 

I am only doing this so that my son know his daddy. And yes, it is working. I will see him in person in January for a day and a half with his grandmother.

I did ask when will I see him on Christmas Day on Skype. She then informed me that they are going away for Xmas and 'the people that they are staying with have a computer, so they should have Skype'. I almost let her have it, but it has come to that stage now when I just sigh and shrug my shoulders. My mama is very sad too, EXW has not once called to tell mama about her grandson. Not once since they left in July 2012. 

I am infuriated, frustrated and I don't know how to handle this.

It's like talking to a brick wall. There is just nothing there.

I don't know anything about my son. He has just turned 19 months. 

It is almost getting to the point where I just have to 'walk away' for a few years. Of course, I will always pay child support and sent birthday and Xmas cards etc. These Skype sessions. Are they worth it. They distress me immensly. 

If anyone has any advice, I would very much appreciate it.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Actually, communication is impossible. Utterly impossible.

This woman has completely destroyed me in every way.

What kind of woman keeps her son from having any type of meaningful relationship with his father.

It seems like if I ask any questions, she gets angry and I am seen as, how do I say this - trying to win her back. That's how it comes off to her.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Actually, I will call her father tonight. Haven't spoken to him in months. To wish him a Merry Christmas.

I sent my boys presents and a card to (maiden) name family and they received them. I took great care in what I chose for his presents, and I sent a large photo of me in my boys Xmas Card. So he knows it is from his daddy.

It has come to this. I may have to give up on Skype for a few months.

It is killing me inside. I simply have reached the point where I can't do this anymore.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

Why are you bothering to talk to her on skype if she doesn't want to? 
I understand you want to know what is going on with your son but you can't force her to communicate. If it bothers you that much then don't do it.
Is there any way that you could spend more time in person with your son?


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

I just want to know my son, and for my son to know that his father has not abandoned him. Beating my head against a brick wall here.

I can't just drive there every weekend. I wish I could. They live in the middle of nowhere. 

I am enduring one more year in this prison of a place, saving every dollar and moving to my place of birth. This will facilitate more visits. 

Then I will move closer to my son.

Because my son can't communicate yet, I have to get information from her about him. I am his father for God's sake. It is my God given right.

But what can I do.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

Forever Changed said:


> I just want to know my son, and for my son to know that his father has not abandoned him. Beating my head against a brick wall here.
> 
> I can't just drive there every weekend. I wish I could. They live in the middle of nowhere.
> 
> ...


Do you have a thread about your story? 
I would suggest calling the day care and asking to talk to the teacher(s). 
Usually they have a sheet they fill out every day about the kid. You could ask to have it emailed to you every day. 
It is your right and I don't know your situation but you can't force a horse to drink. It sounds like a very high conflict divorce and she sounds like she's not doing very well. Maybe she just can't bring herself to talk to you.
Even if you are 100% not at fault people still have emotions, sometimes the one who is more crazy and wrong has a harder time adjusting to the D. 
How far away do they live? Could you meet in the middle every other weekend?


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

I'll put it to you this way. If I walked away or dropped dead she would be happy. I am an inconvenience to her. Mate, I know for a fact that she walked out of that Divorce Court laughing her head off.

Not doing very well? She doesn't have any emotions. 

She is a teacher. Even if it was possible, there is no way that she would 'meet in the middle every other weekend'. If it wasn't so sad it would be laughable. Everywhere she goes and does with our boy she needs to have her parents with her. She lives with them. She is almost 34. She can't do anything independently.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

Forever Changed said:


> I'll put it to you this way. If I walked away or dropped dead she would be happy. I am an inconvenience to her. Mate, I know for a fact that she walked out of that Divorce Court laughing her head off.
> 
> Not doing very well? She doesn't have any emotions.
> 
> She is a teacher. Even if it was possible, there is no way that she would 'meet in the middle every other weekend'. If it wasn't so sad it would be laughable. Everywhere she goes and does with our boy she needs to have her parents with her. She lives with them. She is almost 34. She can't do anything independently.


Don't you have to set up a parenting plan with visitation scheduled in Australia?

Also don't make the mistake of using your son as a way to force her to talk to you or to keep tabs on her. 
You don't need her to tell you about your son, so talk to her father and his day care teachers. 
It seems like it's just more pain you are putting yourself through trying to get something out if her.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Yes we do. It was supposed to be monthy visits, but due to huge financial pressure and all manner of things this has not been possible. She was supposed to send emails outlining significant travel, medical issues, and a photo on a weekly basis. This hasn't been happening. It is a Private Parenting Plan.

The last thing I want to do is keep tabs on her. I don't care what she does. I just want to know my boy.

But yes, I am putting myself through this pain. I will call off Skype this weekend, hopefully see him at Xmas and then re think this whole thing.

I'm at my wits end and I can't do this anymore.

But I will take your advice, I will talk to her father.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

Forever Changed said:


> Yes we do. It was supposed to be monthy visits, but due to huge financial pressure and all manner of things this has not been possible.
> 
> The last thing I want to do is keep tabs on her. I don't care what she does. I just want to know my boy.
> 
> ...


How was she able to take him so far away?


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Because she can and did. I was informed by a Family Law expert that the only way I can be closer is to move closer to him. 

Yep, taken my baby, living with her parents who do everything, enable her and living the life.

Makes a man crazy.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

Forever Changed said:


> Because she can and did. I was informed by a Family Law expert that the only way I can be closer is to move closer to him.
> 
> Yep, taken my baby, living with her parents who do everything, enable her and living the life.
> 
> Makes a man crazy.


Living the life? What kind of a life is that? She seems very sick.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

As much as I used to think that thinking that indeed, she was sick as a cop out, I'm actually starting to believe it.

She looks very, very different. Tired. Lined. Doesn't dress very well. Never smiles. Never laughs. I don't think she has every actually enjoyed our boy. She always seems angry and agitated. There is no light in her eyes. Like she has gone, which I know she has.

Poor girl.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Wow that is all just so wrong, I really feel for you. Yes what sort of a parent would do this, to take a child away from the other parent?

I'm really sorry you are suffering this pain.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

I'm just so tired of thinking. Every second of every day. I am mentally and physically exhausted. Always a fight, always a struggle. Because I am alone here, all alone in my house I just think. I don't do anything but think.

At least I will have some company when my mama comes here next week to celebrate Xmas. I get so sad coming home to an empty house.

I am going to ensure that we have a fun filled, relaxing day.

We will enjoy Christmas day, and if I don't see my boy on Xmas, that has to be ok. I only have to wait until Jan 6 to see the little mite in person.

God I love that boy. I remember last time when they came to collect him, he threw his arms up to his daddy and he didn't want to go. God please bless my boy.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Thank you Holland. It is tough. But somehow I survive. 

Time, time, time. And then more time.


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## whimsey (Dec 16, 2013)

Wow, FC, you really have my sympathy. We went and are going thru a similar situation with my husband's ex. She moved several times in violation of the custody agreement, withholds phone calls and visitation, and refuses to share school and medical info until after the fact. She's mentally ill, which has been documented but denies it, and has in fact tried to have my husband declared incompetent. We also think she suffers from munchausen by proxy. It seems like their daughters are always being diagnosed via some website with a disease/learning disability/ emotional trauma that would "explain" the need for attention and sympathy.
I'm not trying to threadjack, but I worry that despite the fact that you yourself are trying to be the best father you can be and that she allows you to be, you are in for one hell of an uphill climb. She doesn't sound like she is willing to participate in co-parenting.
But keep doing everything you can do. Someday Declan will be able to see for himself the sacrifices you've made for him. He will know what his mother has done to him and to you, and he will make his life choices based on this knowledge.
If I could send a hug to you in Australia, I would. You're not alone!


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Hi there and thankyou for replying Whimsey. 

To see written down that I have one hell of an uphill climb really hit home. It really is going to be this way. And you are right and what I have been denying all along: She is unwilling to participate in co-parenting. And there is nothing I can do. But I will keep doing what I am doing.

I have decided to cancel Skype this Saturday because it still affects me, its getting better, but it is still distressing. I just hope she 'allows' me (and his grandmother) to see him on Christmas day. The one special day of the year.

And I have educated myself very much on Parental Alienation. I can see this playing out like a script, events such as you have described happening (refusing to share medical or school info). 

I just have to keep fighting the good fight, for Declan. It's just so hard. 

And again, you and what others say, that in time, Declan will see that his mother shut his father out.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

I am so sorry about your situtation, when I see cases like yours where one parent seems to enjoy punishing the other with the kids I really feel anger, so I can only guess you who are the victim how deeper is the pain and loneliness that you feel.

Have you tried being more amicable with your XW's parents? maybe they will be more willing to help you to be informed about your son, and will be willing to perform more skype meetings.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Hi Manticore,

I cant stand XW's Mother - she had a huge hand to play in this mess. XW Father used to call, but he hasn't in months. 

I should re-start communication with him. He is a good man and he has kind of been kept in the dark about all this - he doesn't have any idea about this treatment. 

So, with all my energy and strength I will pick up the phone and have a chat.

What makes me really angry, is that you have some fathers who don't want anything to do with their children, and the mothers are doing everything FOR the fathers to be involved. And yet, I've got the opposite situation!


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Forever Changed said:


> I should re-start communication with him. He is a good man and he has kind of been kept in the dark about all this - he doesn't have any idea about this treatment.
> 
> So, with all my energy and strength I will pick up the phone and have a chat.


Just remember that the call is about your kid and your involvement in his development as father he may feel empathy and help you in your situation.

try to avoid making blames about your XW and XMIL in the end he is her father and maybe will be forced to take her side, that is why you have to focus the conversation in your role as father and how you don't want to fail or miss the process of development.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Oh no, the conversation will basically be to say Happy Christmas and ask how my boy is. And NO relationship talk. I won't dare ask about those 2 nasty women. Gosh no.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Wherever you are right now D. I hope you're doing okay.Merry Christmas my friend.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I want to say what TBT said. Merry Christmas to you FC. 

My thoughts are with you.

I think it's wonderful to educate yourself on parental alienation. You have a tough row to hoe. (Farming analogy)

I want to share some thoughts:

He talks, doesn't he, FC? Or, is he too young? I can't remember. I know he's pretty young. 

Also, could you please make a list of the questions you asked your son when you talked with him? Then, take a look at what you asked XW and compare it to what you asked your son. See if you could be asking your son the same questions. 

Good luck. Keep trying to talk with your son. Draw him pictures and show him them on Skype. Send them to him in the mail with notes about your thoughts. Copy them and keep a copy. 

Send him small gifts in the mail that will remind him of you. Talk with your son. Talk with him. Show him you respect him and that he is a smart boy. If it's possible to get one, send a postal gift certificate and ask that you be sent copies of his drawings and pictures he colors, etc. 

And last, but not least, if you can afford to go out, do so. Try to make friends outside of work and home. Find yourself a hobby that you can afford. Meet people at a local coffee shop or some other place folks gather and just sit and enjoy some company. Be good to yourself. 

Don't forget about your son. Just give yourself some time, too.

Again, Merry Christmas, FC. I hope your Christmas is filled with peace and joy. 

Remember, I am no counselor. I'm just hoping you can find some happiness and relieve some stress. I think you are stressing too much, because you aren't concentrating on your own happiness enough. There is a balance you must achieve. I'm not suggesting you stop communicating, just find some balance.


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