# really, really caused a mess...



## AfterItStorms (Dec 21, 2011)

Hi all,

I just found this forum last night, and it was a like wave of relief. Maybe those of you with experience can shed some light. I've really made a mess of my life. A sh** storm is an understatement. Been married 10 years, one daughter age 10. I'm the cheater, for about the last 9mths. I read the book "Not just friends" and I suppose I'm a typical case. Met the guy at work, started out small, you know coffee, lunch, then gym after work..ect.It was definitely an emotional connection before anything else, then turned physical. My husband found out when the OM called my cell, but i didnt have it, H did. OM spilled all the beans, and well, i'm sure you guys know how it goes from there. 

H and I are still living in the same house, long story, but it's been ok. After he found out, I wouldn't quit seeing OM, even though H forgave me, and was begging me to work it out. I thought I loved OM. I should say, i've got serious issues unresolved issues from childhood, and OM has borderline personality disorder; the relationship was like an addiction (the therapist tells me). I sought out a therapist before the affair was revealed bc I was going crazy inside. Anyway, the affair cost me my job, we were both "reassigned" when the OM started harassing me at work, because I cut off outside contact with him. He "rages", and when he does, it's like a hurricane of insults, threats, ect..and then it passes, and it's amazing, he's loving, ect...i know how this must sound. it's crazy, and obviously no one in their right mind would leave a good marriage for this.

I've finally taken my therapist's advice and gotten some distance from OM. it's not been no-contact, but very close. She says I cannot see how bad this is, when I'm living so chaotically. And she was right. It hit me like a ton of bricks, and I can't barely function without crying at the pain I've caused. H is a good man. We didn't have a perfect, or even near perfect marriage, but no one deserves what i've done. I don't know if I still love him, or if I ever truly did, but we've spent 12 years together-12 years of holidays, moves across the country, birth of our child, vacations ect..a third of our lives together. He's a good person and an amazing father.

When this all came out, H and I agreed to stay in this house and divorce when we move back to CA, we are in TX for work for another yr. I"m fairly certain, from things H has said and done, he would be willing to try and work things out, although neither of us has directly spoken of it. How can I bring this up? Our communication has always been very poor, so I don't know to go about this. We can chat about movies, entertainment, ect.. but when it comes to anything personal, anything with feelings, we just can't, or have never, gone there. I think that's what is making complete no-contact with OM so difficult. If i don't have him, I literally have not one other person who understands me, and who I can open up to. I just need some advice, any kind you have, I can, and need to take it. I'm fairly sure this is rock bottom, so I can only go up from here.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Look, there is absolutely no point in even contemplating a reconciliation with your husband until you COMPLETELY cut off the OM from your life. COMPLETELY. You don't seem to understand that every time you speak to him, text him, email him, whatever, you've taken several steps back in any sort of healing.

Why would you want to stay in a toxic situation like this. He sounds dangerous - maybe you like "bad boys" and he is your little girl crush on a bad boy. Well, grow up. Either end it with him and work on your marriage with a husband that has given you the unbelievable gift of forgiveness, or let him go find a woman that deserves him. Simple.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Honesty , evidencing your willingness to be truthful. Ask your husband to delay any big relationship decisions. Read the newbie thread and write the NC letter , speak to close family and ask for support in rebuilding your marriage. If your husband is unsure what to do or the tools required to recover you will have to guide him.

No further contact with the OM ever. Please don't give us the wayward script that you can't cut out the OM your husband is not the backup plan , thats what you are making him and he is smart enough to see it.

No trickle truth it's a killer for a betrayed spouse. None of the above on it's own will save your marriage nor are there any promises that they will.

It's your consistent actions in words and deeds that count. Many betrayed spouses do not recover from an affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Understand two things

1) this OM is a drug, a really bad drug that is damaging your whole life, just like crack or heroine would. You've already lost your job and possibly your marriage because of him. WAKE UP

2) the pain you've caused your husband is immeasurable - worse than if a friend died. You need to know this and if you want to save your marriage, you need to get contrite and humble, like yesterday.


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## Confused_and_bitter (Aug 6, 2011)

Nothing will ever get resolved fully unless you go completely no contact with OM. Everything for your H is still fresh you can't expect reconciliation right away, although you have already agreed to divorce. You must remember your H is very angry right now, your betrayal has put him there. And it could be he doesn't want to talk about feelings because you are STILL in contact with OM! Need someone to open up to? Start a journal or even vent on here but as a cheater don't expect sympathy from this forum. Besides that I would say keep going to your therapist, try to talk to your H, and understand that he is hurt and it will take heavy lifting on your part, complete transparency, and time for him to heal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Don't know if your therapist has explained it, but every single time you have any contact with the OM you ate feeding your brain a nice dose of highly addictive chemicals generated by your brain. It very much is a chemical addiction and it's an addiction you can end by fully cutting off all contact with the OM.

Fully,

Look at your H and kid. Think ahead to your kid growing up without you there in their life. Think about the jerk OM and hs mood swings and the fear it will instill your kids world.

Ditch the loser OM. Then work hard for a long time to prove to your husband and child that you actually deserve another chance to be part of their lives.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Stay 100% away from the OM. If you don't, you're done. You can come here and talk to us. This is what I do. I have no one else to talk to except my counselor as well. And you know that it's not the same.

Get out of the house and find a quiet place to talk. Then, say "We need to talk about our marriage." and go from there. Express you desire to stay, and you commitment to the whole process regardless of how long it takes.

If he's no longer interested, sorry. But we cheaters give our spouses all of the power.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

No it can go worse from here. You husband might realize how selfish you are and might actually divorce. The OM might beat you up and when you come back, the husband might not be there for you. So you stay alone for the rest of your life repenting for your mistakes but there might never be a second chance.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> No it can go worse from here. You husband might realize how selfish you are and might actually divorce. The OM might beat you up and when you come back, the husband might not be there for you. So you stay alone for the rest of your life repenting for your mistakes but there might never be a second chance.


The OM may also do something to hurt your kid. Well he has already helped break up the family, but beyond that OM may abuse your child, cut you off from her, etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

And realize your husband will/may take quite a while (months or years) to heal from your betrayal of the marriage.

Be prepare for that if you (and him) want to reconcile.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Have you both been tested for STD's. I hope you show some empathy for your husband. How would you feel if the roles had been reversed and he betrayed you behind your back and put you at risk for STD's?


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## AfterItStorms (Dec 21, 2011)

Thank you for your words everyone. And you're right, it can/could get worse. The therapist didn't tell me it was actually an addiction, but it makes sense, because I feel so much better not speaking to him, but there's just something I can't describe that lets me answer when he calls. H was never at risk of STD's. We were not intimate for over 1 year prior to the affair, and still have not been since.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Again, how do you think you would be feeling if the roles had been reversed? If you feel that you would not have cared then it is time to see an attorney and stop this charade. Good luck.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

The amount of pain you've caused your husband is something you don't understand. You say that you don't even know if you love him or EVER have loved him. Well, of course you're going to feel this way. One, your guilt is getting in the way. Two, you're still contacting OM and three, How can you love something you broke. Like a brand new car, you love that car. Drive it everywhere, keep it clean and serviced. Then, one day, you smash it into a wall. That car isn't looking too pretty now. It's all dented up and it doesn't run right anymore....chances are you wouldn't want to drive it anymore. 

Problem is are you willing to put in the time and effort into banging out all the dents, repainting the car, fixing the frame and the engine? (I hope you're getting the symbolism here...)


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## AfterItStorms (Dec 21, 2011)

It feels like sh*t, I can imagine. H had an emotional affair with a woman from work, and it was only after I went digging and found proof, that he finally admitted it to me. I was beyond devestated and felt like everything I had known was a sham. Granted, it wasn't physical in his case, so I can only imagine how those feelings are magnified when it is. I get a knot in my stomach just thinking about it.


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## AfterItStorms (Dec 21, 2011)

Crossbar-yes, I get the symbolism, and I had not thought about it that way.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

AfterItStorms said:


> Thank you for your words everyone. And you're right, it can/could get worse. The therapist didn't tell me it was actually an addiction, but it makes sense, because I feel so much better not speaking to him, but there's just something I can't describe that lets me answer when he calls. H was never at risk of STD's. We were not intimate for over 1 year prior to the affair, and still have not been since.


Wait, you cut off h for a year, cheated on him, and still deny him? It just eeps getting worse. So whats your motivation for cutting him off for years now? What has he done to deserve living like a monk, while you get yours with the POSOM?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AfterItStorms (Dec 21, 2011)

We have had issues in the bedroom for years. Since 2006 or so, i'm guessing at the year, we were probably intimate 9x a year? then around 2009ish it was about 4x a yr, then it went to nothing.


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## AfterItStorms (Dec 21, 2011)

I guess my point is, is that it wasn't so much he's been cut off, but that's just the way it devolved.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

At the end of the day, the marriage was pretty broken, he didn't meet your needs, you really prefer another man sexually, and you see that you've broken your husband. I mean, lets face it, you had him on his knees and still preferred another man. Not to sound harsh, but wouldn't letting him go be the loving thing to do at this point? Its not like you'll be getting the same man back if you reconcile. Face it, he's scared of change at this point, but humiliation tends to linger much longer than the fear of being alone. He sounds like he could find love again, and you've got the one who excites you.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

AfterItStorms said:


> The therapist didn't tell me it was actually an addiction, but it makes sense, because I feel so much better not speaking to him, .


It is... VERY much so.... Read some of this... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/21172-never-say-never.html


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

If you are feeling really guilty and want to make it up to your soon to be ex-husband......do him a favor and tell him to divorce you in Texas instead of California.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

I hope he had talked to an attorney in Texas an gotten advice on your aggreed to timeline.

You marry and have a child with a good many yet fall in love ir become addicted to a crazy / sick make, lots if issues in that, hope your getting GOOD help in this.

For your child's sake I hope their is healing and reconciliation in your relationship with your husband. And, if you divorce, I really do believe it's best your child spends more time with your ex-husband than you UNTIL you resolve or make major progress on all the issues you are carrying with you.


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

crossbar said:


> The amount of pain you've caused your husband is something you don't understand. You say that you don't even know if you love him or EVER have loved him. Well, of course you're going to feel this way. One, your guilt is getting in the way. Two, you're still contacting OM and three, How can you love something you broke. Like a brand new car, you love that car. Drive it everywhere, keep it clean and serviced. Then, one day, you smash it into a wall. That car isn't looking too pretty now. It's all dented up and it doesn't run right anymore....chances are you wouldn't want to drive it anymore.
> 
> Problem is are you willing to put in the time and effort into banging out all the dents, repainting the car, fixing the frame and the engine? (I hope you're getting the symbolism here...)


wow that is really well said, eccellent metaphor!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

If you only feel so so about your husband. And you've already cheated, why do you want to stay together? Don't say its because of your kid. They know what you have isn't normal. They watch other parents.


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

AfterItStorms said:


> I"m fairly certain, from things H has said and done, he would be willing to try and work things out, although neither of us has directly spoken of it. How can I bring this up? Our communication has always been very poor, so I don't know to go about this. We can chat about movies, entertainment, ect.. but when it comes to anything personal, anything with feelings, we just can't, or have never, gone there.


IMHO (being a recent wayward in an EA), you need to find a way to talk, honestly [but gently] about what drove you apart in the first place. (I'm on the fence about 'trickle truth'; that works for me because it allows me to say something, adjust to it and then figure out the next thing that's bothering me; one big explosive discussion could end up being just that, explosive and hurtful; but I only have my very recent experience to draw upon and I'm still in the throes of my own situation/pain but I've learned so much in the last week... after we started talking). 

If you can't, then your marriage is already dead. Be prepared for there to be anger from both of you; warn your H that it will happen and tell him that if it does to please understand that it is just the hurt and fear and guilt [and everything] and that sometimes you will say things that you don't mean as you try to sort everything out in your head. And warn him that you are expecting the same from him and when things get too heavy you'll just walk away and cry and come back and talk some more later when you are able. Or, if you're too scared, write it all down, revise it and then exchange notes. My W tried this because she doesn't do well with conflict. Would this work for you?

Expect a lot of crying and a few set backs.

From my experience, if he doesn't get it out, it will eat him alive and he will hate you. Yes, hate you, if he doesn't find some outlet for it.

This is exactly the issue with my marriage. Rather than talking about the things that bothered us, we internalized them for fear of hurting the other or that the other might leave us for it. Those things that we bottled up turned into annoyances, then resentments, then pain points and then distance and then the sex dried up and that was basically the end of our happiness together. We spent more time apart, became more distant and when OW came along, I connected and got half way out the door before a freight train hit me (called 'saying goodbye to my daughter').

I've been talking with my W the last few nights and we've been having lots of discussions. The hurt is still there between us but I can already see a difference in how we interact. We hug, we show affection [sometimes it's forced] and things just feel better. It's made the feelings for my OW less horrifically painful, though I haven't seen her in a month [though there have been work-related, and only work-related, emails], which helps. That might not work with you but it has with me.

Anyways, your H was not meeting your emotional needs because if he was, you'd be putting out and would be meeting his physical needs. And sex is a need for men. Period. Unless we're damaged, no sex = insecurity = pain = no love = thoughts of finding it elsewhere. He might even be seeing someone else right now, be prepared for that. If he isn't it won't be long...

It takes two to screw up a M, you've just thrown the biggest stone at it to date with the A. It didn't just happen because you are a terrible person, like so many on TAM would have you believe. 

Let me say that again... *You are not a terrible person.* You are lonely and you are hurting and right now, so is he.

This might be bad advice, but be mature about it; don't fall on your knees and beg forgiveness. Doing so gives all of the power away to the slighted and gives them permission to act the martyr and when that happens, it goes to their head and stupid stuff will stick there and you might find yourself resenting them for being so selfish. (He's hurting and he might want revenge)

Feel the guilt and pain and take responsibility for the mistake and figure out what you want to do. Then commit to it mentally.

Want to R? Say so and tell you DH that you want to try to reconnect. Do the things that you need to do. Get MC so you can learn to talk to each other. So you can both learn how to fill each other's needs. Take initiative and take him on a date, even if it's just a movie or drive/walk in a field. Try to reconnect.

It may be too late already but if you want to R, make a go for it and do it now. Hiding from your mistake only allows you both to choke on the pain until it's too late. Maybe it is already too late?

Again.. you are not a terrible person. You made a mistake. What do you do when you make mistakes? Do you hide from them or do you do what you can to fix them? 

If you hide from them, then I think that you will never be happy with anyone, ever; even the OM. You'll find a way to screw that up too, don't worry.

Disclaimer: I am not an expert. I am still finding my way through my own EA and M; we may yet divorce (though it sure doesn't feel like it today). So take everything that I say with a grain of salt. Things just feel so much better right now from just a few painful conversations. That may change. And the only reason that I've managed to get this far is because of my BW. Who knows, she may yet tell me she hates me and wants to see me drown in the gutter. Only time will tell. 

Accept that too.



AfterItStorms said:


> I think that's what is making complete no-contact with OM so difficult. If i don't have him, I literally have not one other person who understands me, and who I can open up to. I just need some advice, any kind you have, I can, and need to take it. I'm fairly sure this is rock bottom, so I can only go up from here.


Is there a way that your H can fill the gaps that the OM does? If not and you lie to yourself about it and R, you will both be unhappy and one of you will cheat again or one day I suspect that you'll be sitting at the table having the D discussion again.

Do the things that are hard because no one is going to do them for you.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

You are probably rewriting the history of your marriage. This is really common in people having an affair. We never talked, the sex was bad, you failed me.. etc etc.

It is your mind justifying your actions and your mind is a powerful thing. 
You spent 12 years with this man and all of a sudden its all wrong? Strange isn't it.

Can it get worse.. Oh yes
Your husband will end up never wanting to see you again. No friendship. Nothing. He may hate you. 
That is typically divorce after infidelity. Not the Brady Bunch.


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

ing said:


> You spent 12 years with this man and all of a sudden its all wrong? Strange isn't it.


Is it? Sometimes we need a catalyst to get past our 'comfortable lives' to see what's bothering us. Sometimes we do rewrite our history.

Only the OP will know for sure, and that's only going to come from a lot of soul searching and self-honesty.

Again, just my HO.


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## madwoman (Oct 20, 2011)

You need to do some deep soul searching. 

Maybe take some time away from all men. If your relationship was that bad prior to the A then this was just a symptom. That is if it isn't all in your head (part of the fog that was created)

In either case, why would you want to be with a man in marriage who you have so little feeling for.

You must make it better, because you have a child with him. But, in the end it isn't just your choice. 

You must work on you, while things unfold. Become a better person, you have a child watching EVERYTHING! Including the loveless marriage your trying to save.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SO check it out:

You have *NO marriage* as long as you're still in touch with The Other Man. You know that. 

You don't need your therapist to tell you it's "addicting" or that you had "childhood issues" and now you are seeking out some dude to make it all better.

Therapy is great but you need to start OWNING on your OWN what you did and why: You had a choice and you made it.

You CHOSE to have an affair. Just as you CHOSE to hide it from your husband. Just as you are CHOOSING to stay in contact w/ the Other Man.

You say the guilt is hitting you now. GOOD. That means you have a conscious. But I am also a firm believer in that you have not hit rock bottom and fully realized the damage/destruction you caused if in fact, you are still in touch WITH the Other Man. 

You have a big choice to make: Your marriage or this dude. You say you didn't love your husband, but I think that's bullsh!t. 12 years is a long time, holidays, children, LIFE to stay with someone (and hello, MARRY them) if you didn't feel an iota of something for them. 

So the solution is simple: If you want your marriage, axe the other guy. He sounds toxic and flighty. You need to figure out what YOU want and you cannot do that while you have this third party in the background.

It sounds like your hubby is giving you another chance. Consider yourself lucky. A lot of men wouldn't put up with that bullsh!t for a minute.

Re: your marriage: you have major issues in it: you said you can't talk to your husband/communicate well. Fix that. You asked how to talk to him about this... it's not hard. You open your mouth and start speaking about how you feel, what you think, and tha tyou are still in touch with OM and what your plan of action is. 

The other issues is the non-sex. You have a sexless marriage. Not cool. I mean, some people can roll with that, but presonally, I couldn't. Fvck no. So tell your husband you want him to have sex with you. Anyone who is deprived sexually in a marriage... I feel isn't going to have a happy/fulfilling marriage. At all. Whatsoever. That's not a marriage. It's a Glorified Roommate situation.

Iif you want your marriage: end contact with the OM completely and forever and work together at it. Have sex.

If you try and it doesn't work, leave. 

If you already feel you are done and there's no going back, be honest with your husband about your feelings & divorce him. DO NOT string him along. It's not fair to you or him or your kids.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

You don't know if you ever loved your husband?

Understand that your mind is playing tricks on you and trying to "re-write" the history you've shared to protect yourself from guilt.

I'd be willing to bet your marriage was a whole lot better than you're saying.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AfterItStorms said:


> Thank you for your words everyone. And you're right, it can/could get worse. The therapist didn't tell me it was actually an addiction, but it makes sense, because I feel so much better not speaking to him, but there's just something I can't describe that lets me answer when he calls. H was never at risk of STD's. We were not intimate for over 1 year prior to the affair, and still have not been since.


Whose choice is it that you were not intimate with your husband for over a year before your affair?


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## AfterItStorms (Dec 21, 2011)

Thank you all for your candor. I've read that mind re-writes history in these situations in an attempt to rationalize the behavior. I really don't know to what extent I am though, bc of course, i'm not an unbiased judge. 

We didn't have a bad marriage, not at all. It just wasn't close. Physically or emotionally. But we had/have fun together. We have moved several times in the 12 years, one move internationally, which i think acted as a distraction from real issues. It would take a couple months to get the logistics of the move sorted out, then moving, unpacking, new friends, ect..then start all over in a couple of years. We have the same sense of humor, like the same kinds of friends, similar tastes in entertainment, ect.. I don't think we had a bad marriage. 

And sex has always been an issue. Someone asked whose choice it was? I guess it depends how you look at it. We have had issues for years. Years. Maybe I'm just a b!tch. It's possibe I expect too much from him. He's been trying, as of late, to initate being intimate. Here's how last night went: We've been in separate rooms. He's in "our" room and I've been in the guest room. So I went to bed, and he was in his. We were playing "words with friends" back and forth, each in our own rooms. He's texts me 'gonna show me something?' 'come on, show me something, i got 48 pts on that word' I respond with intermittent "lol's' then 20 mins later "come on, let me touch it, i'll take anything. can i just look?' "porn isn't working for me right now, just let me touch it. please?" "what can i do? can i buy you something? i'll do whatever if i can touch it" Seriously??? How can I feel like being in the mood with this? Honestly people, was I a b!tch for not just doing it? I told him I was tired and going to sleep and that sorry, I wasn't in the mood for that. I feel bad for him, don't misunderstand. And I wish I could've forced myself to go in there and just let him do whatever he wanted, but I couldn't. Should i have? I need to know.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

saying your "just a b*tch" is weak... like thats some sort of explanation?, like "oh well" i guess im just a b*tch... 

No... your not 'just' a bit*ch. It's much deeper, and much worse than that. 

Your broken. 

Your likely to destroy anyone that loves you.

Really, instinctively I wanted to tell you how nausiated I am to read what your saying... It's really sick. But, It wouldnt do either of us any good. Why bother. 

Seriously, Get help.

Your husband deserves so much better.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

The one thing that stuck out when reading your original post is that you don't have anyone to understand you/open up to. Stay in therapy and learn to be that person for yourself. This will make you more affair-proof and also more of an option for your husband. Yes, everyone likes to be rescued and everyone likes to do some rescuing, ONCE IN A WHILE, but for the most part, to be an adult, you have to put two feet on the ground and absolutely stand up for what you want. Once you are able to do this, you will think nothing of sitting down with your husband, to talk to him about your marriage, if your marriage is really what you want for yourself, you will go the distance and put yourself out on a limb to pursue that, and it will be natural to take the risk. Right now, be there for yourself. You already did that by seeking out counseling, that's a very good start. Sorry about the affair, more than the guy sounding like a very unstable person who saw you as his go-to-girl, and how to play you based on your emotional needs...it just stinks to know that one's brakes weren't functioning and one fell asleep at the wheel, too.


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## AfterItStorms (Dec 21, 2011)

So please, tell me. Should I have just done it anyway? I'm sure he's going to ask again tonight. I've gotten similar text messages, and naked pictures the last three nights, so i assume tonight, he'll try again. Are most women in the mood with messages like that? and yes, I see how it seems as if it's a convenient excuse to say "well, i'm a b!tch." and i know i'm broken. you don't even know the half of it, but this is quite honestly the tip of the iceberg with me that goes back yrs to when i was a small child.


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Your broken.
> 
> Your likely to destroy anyone that loves you.


:wtf:



Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Seriously, Get help.


POMS, you need counseling too I think.

He's treating her like a piece of meat. It's hard to respond emotionally to those kind of overtures. 

@AfterItStorms - Yes, you could have given him a pity fvck and that might have even made him feel better but it wouldn't have made you feel any less of an object. 

"Buy you something"? Are you a prostitute or a wife?

Having said that, he's in a world of hurt too and the emotional ties have been damaged. In the absence of any real connection with you, I suspect he's trying to fulfill his physical need with you without straying outside of the marriage. However, if you had given in, don't think that he would have thought of it as anything other than a pity fvck [unless you're really good at faking the intimacy] and that would have helped his physical need but wouldn't have done anything for the emotional turmoil he's going through.

Again, no sex for a man = no marriage.

Does you H understand how you feel when he acts like this? Given that you've said that you don't talk, my guess is no.


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

TCx said:


> However, if you had given in, don't think that he would have thought of it as anything other than a pity fvck [unless you're really good at faking the intimacy] and that would have helped his physical need but wouldn't have done anything for the emotional turmoil he's going through.


Oh yeah, and if you had given in (which I'm pretty sure you have before), it would have reinforced that behavior.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

AfterItStorms said:


> He's texts me 'gonna show me something?' 'come on, show me something, i got 48 pts on that word' I respond with intermittent "lol's' then 20 mins later "come on, let me touch it, i'll take anything. can i just look?' "porn isn't working for me right now, just let me touch it. please?" "what can i do? can i buy you something? i'll do whatever if i can touch it" Seriously??? How can I feel like being in the mood with this? Honestly people, was I a b!tch for not just doing it? I told him I was tired and going to sleep and that sorry, I wasn't in the mood for that. I feel bad for him, don't misunderstand. And I wish I could've forced myself to go in there and just let him do whatever he wanted, but I couldn't. Should i have? I need to know.


This makes it sound like he's been begging for sex for along time and you've been just blowing him off. But in your mind there was a mutual understanding that sex just wasn't important.

Has this been the norm for along time? He begs like a baby and you get disgusted with it and blow him off? He wasn't meeting your love language but still wanted the sweet candy but a broke person can't buy any sweet candy, can they? By broke I mean he hasn't been depositing into your love bank.

Then he gets fustrated with begging and eventually just gives up all hope for ever getting sex and you give a big sigh of relief because you don't have to put up with his needy, annoying behavior when it comes to sex.

But then you start to pull away due to getting no attention anymore, he stops trying because why try because he's not gonna get anything. Then some guy comes along and says oh you're pretty and your knees get all weak and bam, I can't believe I just cheated.

I'm not saying this is you, but could it be? And this could go the other way also with the man cheating and the woman being the faithful spouse.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

AfterItStorms said:


> H and I are still living in the same house, long story, but it's been ok. After he found out, I wouldn't quit seeing OM, even though H forgave me, and was begging me to work it out.


Even after he forgave you and gave you a 2nd chance. Wow.




> I thought I loved OM. I should say, i've got serious issues unresolved issues from childhood


Why should you say that? Is it an excuse?





> and OM has borderline personality disorder; the relationship was like an addiction (the therapist tells me). I sought out a therapist before the affair was revealed bc I was going crazy inside. Anyway, the affair cost me my job, we were both "reassigned" when the OM started harassing me at work, because I cut off outside contact with him. He "rages", and when he does, it's like a hurricane of insults, threats, ect..and then it passes, and it's amazing, he's loving, ect


Get an order of protection.




> ...i know how this must sound. it's crazy, and obviously no one in their right mind would leave a good marriage for this.


Nobody would screw up a good marriage by cheating.




> I've finally taken my therapist's advice and gotten some distance from OM. it's not been no-contact, but very close.


Ok, forget the order of protection then.




> When this all came out, H and I agreed to stay in this house and divorce when we move back to CA, we are in TX for work for another yr. I"m fairly certain, from things H has said and done, he would be willing to try and work things out, although neither of us has directly spoken of it.


But if he is still willing to work it out, I take it he doesn't know you are still in contact with the OM?




> How can I bring this up? Our communication has always been very poor, so I don't know to go about this. We can chat about movies, entertainment, ect.. but when it comes to anything personal, anything with feelings, we just can't, or have never, gone there. I think that's what is making complete no-contact with OM so difficult. If i don't have him, I literally have not one other person who understands me, and who I can open up to.


If your H is truly a good man and father, then do him the favor of filing divorce when you get back to CA and do right by him with regards to the kids and custody.

Set him free so he can find someone that won't do this to him.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

AfterItStorms said:


> We were playing "words with friends" back and forth, each in our own rooms. He's texts me 'gonna show me something?' 'come on, show me something, i got 48 pts on that word' I respond with intermittent "lol's' then 20 mins later "come on, let me touch it, i'll take anything. can i just look?' "porn isn't working for me right now, just let me touch it. please?" "what can i do? can i buy you something? i'll do whatever if i can touch it" Seriously??? How can I feel like being in the mood with this? Honestly people, was I a b!tch for not just doing it?


No, but you have to realize, if you don't feel like it with him, but you had sex with another man, then guess what he is thinking. He is thinking, "but I bet she'd do it if I were OM!!!" And he probably gets pissed, and rightfully so.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

TCx said:


> :wtf:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



How is he treating her like a piece of meat? Sounds to me like, in his own weird way, is trying to get some sort of spark going.

I guess thats only for an affair partner, eh?




> @AfterItStorms - Yes, you could have given him a pity fvck and that might have even made him feel better but it wouldn't have made you feel any less of an object.


Excuse me? Pity f*ck? Why don't you just shoot the guy for trying to get something started with his wife.

She is the cheater here and you make him sound like some sort of snake?? Nice.




> "Buy you something"? Are you a prostitute or a wife?


She cheated, is she his wife of the OM's?
I think you are barking up the wrong tree.




> Having said that, he's in a world of hurt too and the emotional ties have been damaged. In the absence of any real connection with you, I suspect he's trying to fulfill his physical need with you without straying outside of the marriage. However, if you had given in, don't think that he would have thought of it as anything other than a pity fvck [unless you're really good at faking the intimacy] and that would have helped his physical need but wouldn't have done anything for the emotional turmoil he's going through.


Don't even try to put this on him. If she wasn't in the mood, then she wasn't in the mood.

But quit trying to paint him as some piece of crap here.




> Again, no sex for a man = no marriage.


Depends on the man. I wasn't getting sex in my marriage, because my wife was giving it up to other guys.

I just learned to do without figuring it was just that my wife had ceased to be a wife and is now a mother, and since I was a father, I learned to live without the sex and focused on being a father. I figured thats what happens and that sex drops off after marriage and kids.

So in my case it was cheating wife = no marriage.



> Does you H understand how you feel when he acts like this? Given that you've said that you don't talk, my guess is no.


Does she understand why her husband now acts the way he does?

But I just read your own story and now realize why you would side with the cheater.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Dexter Morgan said:


> How is he treating her like a piece of meat? Sounds to me like, in his own weird way, is trying to get some sort of spark going.
> 
> I guess thats only for an affair partner, eh?
> 
> ...


Spot on
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AfterItStorms (Dec 21, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> This makes it sound like he's been begging for sex for along time and you've been just blowing him off. But in your mind there was a mutual understanding that sex just wasn't important.
> 
> Has this been the norm for along time? He begs like a baby and you get disgusted with it and blow him off? He wasn't meeting your love language but still wanted the sweet candy but a broke person can't buy any sweet candy, can they? By broke I mean he hasn't been depositing into your love bank.
> 
> Then he gets fustrated with begging and eventually just gives up all hope for ever getting sex and you give a big sigh of relief because you don't have to put up with his needy, annoying behavior when it comes to sex.


He's mostly been begging like this for the last week or so. The explicit pictures himself began a couple nights ago. In the past though, it would mostly be him asking after it had been a few weeks or months, "are we gonna do it yet?' and then I would just do it. There was no progression to it, you know? Literally, we'd be lying there about to sleep, and "are we gonna do it?" and 2 seconds later, we're doing it, no kissing, no nothing. I would say it has been at least 2 years since we've kissed. There may have been a few pecks on the cheek. I guess he could see i wasn't so into it, and it would get less and less frequent and then it dropped off altogether. I know they say "fake it til you make it" that acting in a loving way, can then in turn, make the loving feelings come back, which is why I wonder if i should just do it anyway.


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> How is he treating her like a piece of meat? Sounds to me like, in his own weird way, is trying to get some sort of spark going.


A weird way that obviously isn't working. He is desperate, there's no doubt about that. But rather than just walking into the other room and straddling him, why not talk to him about how that kind of advance just doesn't work for her? Here's a stretch, why not talk about things together at all?



Dexter Morgan said:


> Excuse me? Pity f*ck? Why don't you just shoot the guy for trying to get something started with his wife.


The guy has been sex starved for over a year. It no longer has anything to do with wanting to start a spark. It's all about his physical need and dealing with his sense of rejection. Given the desperation in the texts, that's clear.



Dexter Morgan said:


> She is the cheater here and you make him sound like some sort of snake?? Nice.


And the way that you keep saying that 'she cheated' means that she suddenly has less right to happiness than anyone else in this world. Like she suddenly must be miserable for her penance?

What she owes him is an apology and a commitment to find out what she wants. When she figures that out she owes him a commitment to carry through with it. And all through this, she owes him honesty.

And he owes her all of this too.

And to make their M work, they both owe each other forgiveness. Two way street mate. One person can't make a marriage work.

So I ask you this, Do you really think the road to R is for her to roll onto her back and spread her legs to create a 'spark'? No, of course you don't.

I've been this guy. Just before my EA came crashing down, I tried to engage in sex with my wife only to be rejected time and again. The last time I tried I was rejected yet again and after she fell asleep, I went downstairs and sobbed because I knew that was the last rejection that I could take. That was when I lost all connection to home and I gave over to the OW. I was conflicted, I was hurt, I was scared, I was trying to find a way to stay with my wife and the sex became the only thing that I could focus on anymore because it was the one thing that I needed for that reassurance. Insecure? Damned rights it was.

So no, I don't think he's a snake. Nor do I think she is a snake either. They're both trying to find their way through this.



Dexter Morgan said:


> I just learned to do without figuring it was just that my wife had ceased to be a wife and is now a mother, and since I was a father, I learned to live without the sex and focused on being a father. I figured thats what happens and that sex drops off after marriage and kids.


You are right, I should have said, "no marital sex -> no marriage"; it's not an equivalence function, its an implication. My bad.

Our revised mathematical representation now gives us clear guidance, even for your failed marriage. Yes, there will always be exceptions and workarounds but those are the exception rather than the rule.

And I suspect that your thought process was far more complicated than just "Oh, she's a mom now, oh well, come here palmela and bring your sisters too". It probably took you a while to come to terms with that (and had all of the emotions that came with it).



Dexter Morgan said:


> But I just read your own story and now realize why you would side with the cheater.


1. "Side with"? Are you kidding me? I was suggesting that she not do something that would make her uncomfortable. Are you telling her that she should wh0re herself out to her H (ie - that he could suggest that buying her something to get sex is telling of what his opinion is of her, rightly or wrongly)? That is the 'side' that you want to pick? Really? How about we not pick sides and stop reading hidden meanings into posts and accept that we all bring different experiences to the table. How about we stop blinding the discussion with character judgments made based on labels?

2. Why does everything on TAM come down to 'cheaters' vs 'betrayed'? Is this high school where we have to pick a team to play for? You view me as morally corrupt? Okay, I'm cool with that. But that doesn't mean that my views any less considered or valid than yours.


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

AfterItStorms said:


> I know they say "fake it til you make it" that acting in a loving way, can then in turn, make the loving feelings come back, which is why I wonder if i should just do it anyway.


I don't think it works like that. Didn't for us. Try to change the context a little. Maybe check out the books "101 Nights of Grrreat Sex" and "101 Nights of Grrreat Romance".

They take some work and money to go through but at least it won't just be "so we gonna do it"?

He might just learn a bit in the process. You might too?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

First I get that it's not exactly romantic. However I bet you did it on demand for the OM in a bunch of not romantic places or ways. 

The difference was that you actually put effort into it and into making the OM happy and satisfied. Your husband gets negativity rejection denial etc. 

If you need a tune up in your sex technique then get to work on it sitting in bed bltching about how he doesn't do it for you is you doing nothing to fix the marriage. It's just more abuse from you toward the marriage. 

I bet if the OM was in the other room. You'd take time to fix your make up get clean underwear and come over and attack him. 

So it's not about romance it is entirely your attitude. 

Wanna make it better. Get a good couple education sex DVD and watch it together. 

Need to be kissed. Grab him and kiss him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

AfterItStorms said:


> He's mostly been begging like this for the last week or so. The explicit pictures himself began a couple nights ago. In the past though, it would mostly be him asking after it had been a few weeks or months, "are we gonna do it yet?' and then I would just do it. There was no progression to it, you know? Literally, we'd be lying there about to sleep, and "are we gonna do it?" and 2 seconds later, we're doing it, no kissing, no nothing. I would say it has been at least 2 years since we've kissed. There may have been a few pecks on the cheek. I guess he could see i wasn't so into it, and it would get less and less frequent and then it dropped off altogether. I know they say "fake it til you make it" that acting in a loving way, can then in turn, make the loving feelings come back, which is why I wonder if i should just do it anyway.


Then if just started happening I wouldn't have given it up either, no thanks.

And don't fake it until you make it, you'll really start to resent him. Looks like both of you have to find a way reconnect emotionally again somehow.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

> However I bet you did it on demand for the OM in a bunch of not romantic places or ways.
> 
> The difference was that you actually put effort into it and into making the OM happy and satisfied. Your husband gets negativity rejection denial etc.
> 
> ...


^Totally agree with this.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

TCx said:


> :wtf:
> 
> POMS, you need counseling to
> .


I need counseling?? that reply was gentle compared to what I should have said. 

You want to step between the cross hairs, insult me? and defend her behavior?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Wow I really feel sorry for your husband....his self esteem has to be dragging on the floor and his wayward wife continues to look out for number one!! Do him a favor if you are not willing to try then just leave.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

There's nothing attractive about a husband having to beg for sex. 

Since you do not respect him, let him know you dont in plain simple words. He obviously did not understand that the marriage is over.

You should divorce him, if nothing else, out of pity. You owe him that much after 12 years of marriage.


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## Humble Married Man (Dec 18, 2011)

And people were accusing_ me_ of being a troll.

What is the point of posting this OP? You won't stop treating your husband like trash just because some random anonymous people on the internet told you that it was a bad idea.


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## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

If you are sincere in wanting to fix this marriage then I would give you one task. Do whatever it takes to convince your husband to post his story on here. I think he would receive some great advice from most of the people here. That advice will change his life if he let's it. Tell him you will give yourself to him if he does. That should do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

aug said:


> There's nothing attractive about a husband having to beg for sex.
> 
> Since you do not respect him, let him know you dont in plain simple words. He obviously did not understand that the marriage is over.
> 
> You should divorce him, if nothing else, out of pity. You owe him that much after 12 years of marriage.


So true. Begging sucks. But this is a consequence of having his heart and soul trashed by the one person he trusted. He loved her, while she decided to toss him over for the oh do lovely OM which could do no wrong, and who most importantly Never needed to beg because she always came running to him. He never felt less of a nan or rejected because she was always sure to tell him how wonderful he was and his great he made her feel. Meanwhile poor loser hubby is alone pathetically wonder where his wife is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

This all boils down to the cheater willing to do anything and everything for their AP while denying their BS. It's sickening. See this thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/35927-she-he-did-things-him-her-2.html


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Forgive me for saying this but you and your husband are both sexually and emotionally immature. The OM took advantage of your immaturity to seduce you, like it or not, YOUR ARE HIS fvck buddy and nothing more.

OP, as TCx said you could have taken the time to have gone to your husband to talk to him to explain to him what turned you on/off. You may have lost a golden opportunity to establish true intimacy between the two of you. But then again you probably don't care, do you?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

She's still in the fog if you ask me.


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I need counseling?? that reply was gentle compared to what I should have said.
> 
> You want to step between the cross hairs, insult me? and defend her behavior?


I'm not defending her behavior. I'm trying to provide her with uncoloured, useful help without editorializing with statements like,



> Really, instinctively I wanted to tell you how nausiated I am to read what your saying... It's really sick.


It may very well be that she makes you sick but that is your issue to deal with not hers. Maybe you're using tough love to get her to feel some remorse, I don't know.

Has she done a great job in her marriage? Nope. But, IMHO, too many people are telling her that she's scum and I only see a few results to that:

1. It gives her an out. "I am a terrible person. I will destroy any man. He's better off without me. I should just do the right thing and quit".

And then she's stuck searching for another man without the necessary tools to deal with her new relationship and she may very well destroy that one too. 

2. She thinks, "Zomg, I'm broken!" and clings to her H because at least she has him and she continues to not do what they need to resolve their issues (one way or the other).

3. She realizes that she's not thinking straight and gets some professional help.

I'm voting for #3 but there are two other options [that I see] on the table that are destructive and only prolong their suffering.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

AfterItStorms said:


> Thank you all for your candor. I've read that mind re-writes history in these situations in an attempt to rationalize the behavior. I really don't know to what extent I am though, bc of course, i'm not an unbiased judge.
> 
> We didn't have a bad marriage, not at all. It just wasn't close. Physically or emotionally. But we had/have fun together. We have moved several times in the 12 years, one move internationally, which i think acted as a distraction from real issues. It would take a couple months to get the logistics of the move sorted out, then moving, unpacking, new friends, ect..then start all over in a couple of years. We have the same sense of humor, like the same kinds of friends, similar tastes in entertainment, ect.. I don't think we had a bad marriage.
> 
> And sex has always been an issue. Someone asked whose choice it was? I guess it depends how you look at it. We have had issues for years. Years. Maybe I'm just a b!tch. It's possibe I expect too much from him. He's been trying, as of late, to initate being intimate. Here's how last night went: We've been in separate rooms. He's in "our" room and I've been in the guest room. So I went to bed, and he was in his. We were playing "words with friends" back and forth, each in our own rooms. He's texts me 'gonna show me something?' 'come on, show me something, i got 48 pts on that word' I respond with intermittent "lol's' then 20 mins later "come on, let me touch it, i'll take anything. can i just look?' "porn isn't working for me right now, just let me touch it. please?" "what can i do? can i buy you something? i'll do whatever if i can touch it" Seriously??? How can I feel like being in the mood with this? Honestly people, was I a b!tch for not just doing it? I told him I was tired and going to sleep and that sorry, I wasn't in the mood for that. I feel bad for him, don't misunderstand. And I wish I could've forced myself to go in there and just let him do whatever he wanted, but I couldn't. Should i have? I need to know.


Yes, you were a b!tch. At least he is trying, alhtough I can't see why. Don't be surprised if he doesn't come home from work one day. 
Does this sound familiar?

I've got a headache
My stomach hurts
I'm tired
I'm bloated
I'm too stressed

Leads him to quit trying and then finally he says"I'm out of here, and no, it wasn't nice knowing you, bye."


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## vickyyy (Oct 28, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> She's still in the fog if you ask me.


:iagree:


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

If she had put 10% of the effort she gave the OM into her marriage instead I would bet my wife's chihuahua they wouldn't be in this mess.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Beowulf said:


> If she had put 10% of the effort she gave the OM into her marriage instead I would bet my wife's chihuahua they wouldn't be in this mess.


So true , something that waywards try to gloss over, after all he is only her husband who has to put up with her nonsense and the OM gets to see the best of her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

For whatever deep reason---you do NOT RESPECT your H.---Nor should you for the way he has responded to your A., by begging YOU for forgiveness, and tho you are in seperate bedrooms, I have seen no writings, of remorse, contriteness, on your part. Your H., seems to be doing all the heavy lifting, when it is you who should be on your knees, groveling.

Other man treated you as a BADBOY, whould treat women, and you went for it---it turned you on, it stirred you up---and even tho there is very little contact going on---IT STILL STIRS YOU UP---DOESN'T IT.------It stirs you in a way, your H., has NEVER BEEN ABLE TO----isn't that the REAL truth?????

Now lets get to the most important thing in all of this---YOUR CHILD.----If for no other reason than the well being, and hopefully happy, normal future of your FLESH AND BLOOD CHILD---you need to go NC, with your lover, and if that means leaving your job, then DO SO!!!!!!

Somewhere down the line you and your H., need to end your FARCE OF A MGE., cuz you will cheat on him again---you may have some sort of love, for him, but you do not wanna be physical, and like it or not---people need physical in their lives.

Do what is best right now---but tell your H., and tell him now, where your head is, in re: to your mge., to physical intimacy, and to the well being of all three of you!!!!!


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## vickyyy (Oct 28, 2011)

i think u should invite your H in this forum


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

You guys need some serious help from MC to fix your sex issues.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

jnj express said:


> For whatever deep reason---you do NOT RESPECT your H.---Nor should you for the way he has responded to your A., by begging YOU for forgiveness, and tho you are in seperate bedrooms, I have seen no writings, of remorse, contriteness, on your part. Your H., seems to be doing all the heavy lifting, when it is you who should be on your knees, groveling.
> 
> Other man treated you as a BADBOY, whould treat women, and you went for it---it turned you on, it stirred you up---and even tho there is very little contact going on---IT STILL STIRS YOU UP---DOESN'T IT.------It stirs you in a way, your H., has NEVER BEEN ABLE TO----isn't that the REAL truth?????
> 
> ...


You're right jnj,

This sounds like it's right out of Athol Kay's book MMSLP. Her H is all beta and she fell for an all alpha man. Her H should be here seeking advice, not her. Until he "sees the light" she will always be looking for the next OM.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

TCx said:


> And the way that you keep saying that 'she cheated' means that she suddenly has less right to happiness than anyone else in this world. Like she suddenly must be miserable for her penance?


No, but because she is the cheater in this situation, he definitely deserves more of the benefit of doubt than you want to give him.




> So I ask you this, Do you really think the road to R is for her to roll onto her back and spread her legs to create a 'spark'? No, of course you don't.


No, I don't at all. What I expect is for someone to realize that he is in pain and not to paint him as some sort of scumbag.




> 1. "Side with"? Are you kidding me?


Nope. Not kidding at all. When you have a man that has been cheated on, and emotionally abused, obviously he isn't going to be in a fantastic state of mind. He will try to hysterically bond any way he can.

But I wouldn't expect you to see this. All you saw was HIM treating HER like a piece of meat.




> I was suggesting that she not do something that would make her uncomfortable.


By denigrating him??:scratchhead:




> Are you telling her that she should wh0re herself out to her H (ie - that he could suggest that buying her something to get sex is telling of what his opinion is of her, rightly or wrongly)? That is the 'side' that you want to pick? Really?


Nope, not really. You didn't read what I said. I said nothing of the sort. I was taking exception of your attitude about him.




> How about we not pick sides and stop reading hidden meanings into posts and accept that we all bring different experiences to the table. How about we stop blinding the discussion with character judgments made based on labels?



Like the judgement from you about him and his character to treat her like a piece of meat?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

AfterItStorms said:


> I don't know if I still love him, or if I ever truly did...


Do him a favor and let him go. I wish to god my wife did 10 years ago. It would have sucked then, but we'd both be in a much better place now.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Post and runs are so lame.


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## AfterItStorms (Dec 21, 2011)

So much here to respond to, but i'm not sure how to quote from different people within the same post..anyway.

About respect. I have issues with that, and always have. I don't know if it's an issue I have with all men, or just H as he was my first real relationship. The boyfriend I had before him, I wasn't with long enough to draw any conclusions about this. My mother (which is another story all her own) has made several comments over the years about the way I treat him, and the way I speak to him. He's the type you bring home and the parents LOVE. 

He's not a scumbag, and I don't think he's ever had a bad intention for anyone about anything. He's the kind of husband every woman wants. Parents love him, he's an amazing father, like the kind they write about in books, he does everything around the house, from yard work to laundry to cleaning bathrooms. He buys gifts big and small, flowers ect..

He sent me more text messages the other night, asking for sex, or asking to "just look and touch." I asked him if he thought I should feel like doing that, when we barely exchange words other than football stats, and our daughter. It's not like there's no deep conversation and it's uncomfortable, because it's not, there just isn't any. Anyway, his response was "he would like to have me as a companion, but since i don't want that, maybe we could just be fwb." I didn't know what to say as a response. 

I take full responsibility for the affair. I can barely look at H and feel all the weight of what i've done and how badly I hurt him.I would do anything to take it all away. But I freeze when it comes to opening up to him. Every night, when he goes to our room, and I go the guest room, it crosses my mind to go in there, and tell him we should talk. you know, talk about everything that's gone unsaid for years, and I just can't. I don't know what's wrong with me! I don't know why I let myself open up to OM and I couldn't do it for my H, who, if you make a pro/con chart or whatever, H would win by a landslide. I've told OM everything about me, everything. Stuff i've never told anyone. Stuff I should've been telling my H, but I never did. And the guilt for that is eating me alive more than anything.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AfterItStorms said:


> ....
> I take full responsibility for the affair. I can barely look at H and feel all the weight of what i've done and how badly I hurt him.I would do anything to take it all away. But I freeze when it comes to opening up to him. Every night, when he goes to our room, and I go the guest room, it crosses my mind to go in there, and tell him we should talk. you know, talk about everything that's gone unsaid for years, and I just can't. I don't know what's wrong with me! I don't know why I let myself open up to OM and I couldn't do it for my H, who, if you make a pro/con chart or whatever, H would win by a landslide. I've told OM everything about me, everything. Stuff i've never told anyone. Stuff I should've been telling my H, but I never did. And the guilt for that is eating me alive more than anything.


You have complete control over whether or not you just go in there and talk to him. All you need to do is to do it. Why don't you talk to him? It sounds to me like you are punishing him.

It's telling that your mother has told you for a long time things about the way you talk to him.

When a person holds on to something like this for so long, it's because they are benefitting from it. So what benefit do you get out of mistreating him? What I get from what you have written is that you get some felling of power over him.. now you can look down on him and complain that he's pursuing you. 

Yep you are a *****? A non-***** would talk to her husband no matter how hard it is. She would tell him what she needs and find out what he needs. 

But hey, then you would give up all that power that rejecting and humiliating him gives you. Talk to your counselor about that. Why do you need to do this to get your power?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

AfterItStorms;528496
I take full responsibility for the affair. I can barely look at H and feel all the weight of what i've done and how badly I hurt him.I would do anything to take it all away. But I freeze when it comes to opening up to him. Every night said:


> You take full responsibility for the A but show zero effort towards the marriage still. Your marriage is dead if you feel like this.
> 
> You love your husband but don't respect him as a man that's why. He's been your little puppy dog to kick and stomp on through the years and like a loving puppy he always comes back for more even though he knows he's gonna get kicked again.
> 
> ...


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

AfterItStorms said:


> So much here to respond to, but i'm not sure how to quote from different people within the same post..anyway.
> 
> About respect. I have issues with that, and always have. I don't know if it's an issue I have with all men, or just H as he was my first real relationship. The boyfriend I had before him, I wasn't with long enough to draw any conclusions about this. My mother (which is another story all her own) has made several comments over the years about the way I treat him, and the way I speak to him. He's the type you bring home and the parents LOVE.
> 
> ...


No, you are not taking full responsibility for the affair. You are blaming your husband for not being man enough to prevent you from straying. Anything else and you're lying to yourself. But you're right about one thing. After all you've done to him if he were a man he would have tossed your a$$ out long ago.

Sorry, I'm not usually this harsh but you are acting like a lazy spoiled brat. If you're not willing to work on your marriage let your husband find someone who will appreciate him. You obviously don't.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Sounds like your husband is going to make some woman very happy some day. While you, on the other, will haveto lead the life of an adulterer. Good luck with that. 

I think you just like torturing him. You could make this all go away but you don't really want to.

Send him to: No More Mr. Nice Guy


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