# Wife wants out after 29 years.



## Jonj238 (Aug 24, 2016)

Yeah that's right, after 29 years my wife wants a divorce. The reason she gives is that she wants to discover herself again. She says that she has spent her entire life worrying about what the kids and I want and need that she has forgotten about herself. Plus there are the usual reasons, not enough time spent together, not enough attention paid to her, etc. Which is false, because almost all our free time is spent together doing things each other likes. Travel, shopping, weekends away together, or just sitting the front deck talking together.

Now the next part of this. Six months ago she met an old male friend on Facebook. They were good friends in jr high and part of highschool. Nothing sexual then, and since he lives 2500 miles away, and has his own wife and kids, nothing sexual now, but they do spend a lot of time chatting. 

After my wife said she wanted a divorce, I went and saw a counselor. I was told that even though they are not sleeping together, my wife is having what is called an emotional affair. The counselor said that talking to this guy makes her feel like that young independent girl of so many years ago. She remembers an earlier fun time, a time before kids, mortgages, and a husband. The counselor said that these chats create a euphoric feeling almost like being in love and, that after a while my wife starts to long for the past that she thinks she missed and starts to resent the present, which includes me.

We have a 17 year old daughter, and even though my wife wants a divorce, she wants to remain living with me, (separate rooms) until my daughter turns 18, then get a civil quickie divorce since we live in a no fault state. She also said I can have the marital home, and that she has no intention of putting me in the poor house.

I don't think I can live together as room mates for the next year. Financially it would help a lot, but how can I go from being crazy in love with my wife to living as roomies? She says she still loves me, and that I am a great man. We still have dinner together as a family and my wife and I still hang out on our days off. The only thing missing is sex and intimate contact like hugs and kisses. 

Along with feeling like my heart is breaking, this is driving me crazy. I have been thinking of asking her to move out while she decides when to divorce, but I want to keep things civil, and I don't want to lose my home. I have consulted with a lawyer and have him on hold for now.

I really love my wife, and there is a big hole in my chest right now. I keep hoping she will wake up, but I fear that it is over.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Jonj238 said:


> Yeah that's right, after 29 years my wife wants a divorce. The reason she gives is that she wants to discover herself again. She says that she has spent her entire life worrying about what the kids and I want and need that she has forgotten about herself. Plus there are the usual reasons, not enough time spent together, not enough attention paid to her, etc. Which is false, because almost all our free time is spent together doing things each other likes. Travel, shopping, weekends away together, or just sitting the front deck talking together.
> 
> Now the next part of this. Six months ago she met an old male friend on Facebook. They were good friends in jr high and part of highschool. Nothing sexual then, and since he lives 2500 miles away, and has his own wife and kids, nothing sexual now, but they do spend a lot of time chatting.
> 
> ...


She wont wake up till her EA ends and even then she might not change her mind. Once her EA ends from a divorce standpoint things will be much harder. She is willing to make it easy because she most likely believes she has a fairytale life awaiting her. 

Once an affair ends easy deals disappear. The longer you let her stay in fantasyland in her EA the less likely she will ever return to the marriage. Divorce takes forever in most states, you really should file for divorce and force her hand to chose which life she wants. Time is rarely your ally in these situations.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I know how you feel, believe me.
This is not going to be hat you want to hear at all, but it's the truth. I wish it weren't.

First, your counselor is exactly right.
Second, once this stuff starts and their feelings are gone, it never gets better.

Third, if you plead and cry and try to be a better husband, it will send her running.

4. You'll think she'll still love you deep inside and you can fix it. You can't. Only she can, and she doesn't want to. It's all in her head.

You have almost zero chance at getting her back. The ONLY chance you have is to file for divorce, have her served, and act like a mAn who deserves respect for taking care of her for 29 years. 

If you don't do this, you're toast. If you do file and divorce her, you're still likely toast, but will be free to find a woman who will love you.

There is nothing, absolutely nothing you can do once a woman changes her feelings toward you.

But as bad as it seems, you will get through it and you will be happy. It will be the worst thing to ever happen to you, but you will be a stronger person and you will overcome it, even if you don't think you can. Take it 15 minutes at a time. Please, don't let her stay and disrespect you. I can promise you that there is another man involved no matter what she says. And she is having an affair with him whether it be physical, or just mental. For her to ask you to stay with her and her treat you like a roommate is despicable. Don't settle for that bs and if she wants out, let her out.
Try not to think your way out of this. Just file and move on. It's all you can do.

I'm truly very sorry this has happened to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jonj238 (Aug 24, 2016)

I live in a no fault divorce state, and any party can file and receive a divorce even if the other party doesn't agree. It takes 2 months with no minor children and 6 months with. Property is divided equally, unless different arrangements are agreed on by both parties. My attorney said I need to get her to sign a paper stating that in the event of a divorce, the house becomes the soul property of mine, and that it is a legally binding document in our state.

I'm just thinking I should try to force her hand by asking her to leave. She'll either wake up and stay, or leave. Either way its over.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Honcho gave you excellent advice, btw.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You are thinking right.
I can assure you that when reality starts hitting her, and her girlfriends start whispering in her ear how she deserves this and that, her tune will change and there will be nothing "amicable" about the divorce.

Follow your attorney's advice to the letter and don't look back. Honestly, I think you sending her away and never communicating again with her would be more attractive to her than anything else. 

Get the divorce done while she still has a little guilt. Once that's gone, she will try to extract every cent she can get from you. She will likely even start thinking this is all your fault when reality hits and get angry at YOU! 

When they change like this, you won't even be able to recognize her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Jonj238 said:


> I live in a no fault divorce state, and any party can file and receive a divorce even if the other party doesn't agree. It takes 2 months with no minor children and 6 months with. Property is divided equally, unless different arrangements are agreed on by both parties. My attorney said I need to get her to sign a paper stating that in the event of a divorce, the house becomes the soul property of mine, and that it is a legally binding document in our state.
> 
> I'm just thinking I should try to force her hand by asking her to leave. She'll either wake up and stay, or leave. Either way its over.


I'm sorry you're going through this. Prayers for you. I hope you choose you, because while you might love her, she's not that person, anymore. 

Facebook is evil. I wish it would go out of business, I really do. Not that she couldn't have found some other means to do this, but FB makes cheating easier.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Jonj238 said:


> I live in a no fault divorce state, and any party can file and receive a divorce even if the other party doesn't agree. It takes 2 months with no minor children and 6 months with. Property is divided equally, unless different arrangements are agreed on by both parties. My attorney said I need to get her to sign a paper stating that in the event of a divorce, the house becomes the soul property of mine, and that it is a legally binding document in our state.
> 
> I'm just thinking I should try to force her hand by asking her to leave. She'll either wake up and stay, or leave. Either way its over.


95% of divorce in my state is done within 6 months. Mine took 3 years, over a 100k between the two of us in legal fees and we had no kids or any large assets to fight over. In the beginning my ex only wanted her "freedom", that all changed the moment her affair ended. 

The more you can get agreed upon now and signed the better off you will be in the future. This isn't what you want right now and it hurts but you need to fight your heart and watch out for your own interests now. Evinrude is correct once they change like this you won't recognize her in the near future and yeah be prepared for its all your fault.


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## Jonj238 (Aug 24, 2016)

I hate Facebook too. My attorney said 4 out of 5 divorces in his office list Facebook as the reason for divorce.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Jonj238 said:


> I hate Facebook too. My attorney said 4 out of 5 divorces in his office list Facebook as the reason for divorce.


Facebook doesn't ruin marriages. People do. But FB is just another tool for a person to ruin it with.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

This sucks my man but it happens. Often. I have to agree with others. While it's all rainbows and unicorns with her get her to sign away everything. Hell, be helpful to her but GET HER TO SIGN. Get everything you can. Once it's signed look up the 180 and engage that. Remember with her freedom comes your own freedom. You gave just as much as she did over the course of the marriage. Think of all the things you like or wanted to do that she never liked so you didn't do them. Well now you don't have to check with anyone. You're the boss of your life. I know your heart is broken and I know exactly how that feels. My WW's betrayal came at the 27 year mark. It happens. You came to the right place.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Look up google "Female Mid-life crisis" - the reasons she's saying, and the teenage extension of female self (aka "daughter") is in the customary positions.

Know RIGHT NOW, that pretty much _everything_ you say will be ignored, and taken as begging/pleading and annoying. It's mostly hormonal and related to years of "doing normal stuff". Unless you're about to suddenly be a ultra-rich media-worthy (saving whales, helping those in poverty, or major event speaker) there's not much you can do right now to save things. I _really_ hate to break it to you, because the pain is freaking intense, but after a year or two, it does start to get better (which might not seem to be the case).


Get the divorce and property settlement ASAP. Don't commit either way to her living or not living there, just a "no lovers" rule (for both of you for the duration). Try for fair and fast settlement, THEN work out who's moving out....after all one of you will end up with the house (or it will be sold) ... and afterwards _if_ she "wants to discover herself" then moving on is much more reasonable. But fdon't overlook the idea that the house will feel empty and odd with mother and daughter gone, so you might not want to keep it around you.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Jon,

She is playing you. Just room mates, no sex or intimacy. And she is free to come and go as she pleases.

Well, emotional affair guy may not have gotten in her pants yet unless she has taken some girls trips ( but not really with the girls), but you can bet there is another man on the horizon somewhere.

And you are supposed to just take her word for it that she will not rake you over the coals after a year. What happens in that year if she meets a guy with kids and needs more money. ???

She has basically told you welcome to a one sided open marriage and would like to cake eat and use you as a landing zone if her fun does not turn out so great.

Your only hope if you even want to save this marriage is to file for divorce RIGHT NOW, and tell her she is free to go wherever she wants to. That might knock her head straight. You can stop it any time you want to, but until she believe the fairy tale open marriage ain't going to happen you will find yourself sitting at home watching her primp for other men to enjoy.

Does that sound great??? If not, take some action.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Jonj238 said:


> Along with feeling like my heart is breaking, this is driving me crazy. *I have been thinking of asking her to move out while she decides when to divorce*, but I want to keep things civil, and I don't want to lose my home. I have consulted with a lawyer and have him on hold for now.
> 
> I really love my wife, and there is a big hole in my chest right now. I keep hoping she will wake up, but I fear that it is over.


Why let her decide? She's hooked up with another man and you're letting her have all the control over the situation?

Bad move on your part. You are letting your fear and the weakness that comes with it keep you in limbo.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I hate to do it, but I have to pile on with the rest of the guys. I went thru nearly the identical situation. It sucks - BIG TIME! But as others have said the first step is actually to accept the situation and take care of you. She will try to get you to keep taking care of her, while she takes care of herself as well and ignores your needs. Learn from the rest of us - take care of yourself first. As Evinrude said, she 99.9% out the door, now you need to push her the other 0.01% out of your life. Get what you can and then go no contact. 
Also like the others have said, it really will get better. I am not going to lie, it will get worse before then, but there will be light at the end of tunnel. As you move forward, you are going to start recalling things that were said and things that were done and you will recognize that the signs were there for a while. If you are like me you will come to realize that you really weren't all that happy anyways. There were and are things you wanted to do, but you put your needs aside in order to not rock the boat, because, well, because you loved her. Well now it will be your turn to do the things you have always wanted to do, figure out what those are and go for it!
As an aside, I notice you have a teenager at home. Your STBXW will attempt to twist the story to fit her narrative - to the point of outright lying (I know that is exactly what mine did). Let her hang herself. You need to be 100% honest with your daughter and stay that way throughout.
I feel for you brother, I wouldn't wish what I went thru on my worst enemy, just know that you are not alone. Good luck!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Evinrude58 said:


> I know how you feel, believe me.
> This is not going to be what you want to hear at all, but it's the truth. I wish it weren't.
> .
> .
> .


^^^ 100% correct. Wish it weren't true, but btdt.

jonj, Brad Paisley has a song which totally nails it.
https://youtu.be/yhnYGbaJQck

Your counselor is correct, your wife is feeling euphoric when she has contact with this guy because she gets transported back in time. I have no doubt your wife has developed an emotional attachment to him because the sex and hugs and kisses have stopped with you.

She probably does think of you as a good man, and she doesn't hate you. She's just wishing she could be young and single again.

I've been through this with my now stbxw over the past 5 years or so. Facebook, ex boyfriend, 2000+ miles apart and no physical contact (that I know of). I also got the same kind of lines you did, that she wanted to spend the rest of her life and grow old together with me. This guy was just friends, he is old now and looks terrible (yeah but the picture of him in a tight t-shirt performing on stage with his Fabio hair kind of belies that), etc etc.

It is a _fantasy_ in your wife's mind, but to her it is very real.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Sorry you are going through this. At this point you need to decide if you are willing to try to salvage your marriage or whether you just want to end it. Fortunately, the initial step for both is the same. You file for divorce and start doing the 180. If she wakes up and changes her mind before the divorce is finalized you have the option of canceling the divorce proceedings. If not, you've acted quick enough that you should be able to get a favorable settlement from her before she changes her mind. 

As far as the roommate situation goes, that is just a bad idea. Distance is needed to detach from her. Also, imagine how she'd feel 6 months down the road if she came home and you were redecorating YOUR house with a new woman you were seeing. That would cause a ton of drama that you won't want. So, if you want a roommate just pick someone else.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

jonj, I am in the middle of the divorce process right now. 90 days in my state. I could have gotten absolutely raped and destroyed had my stbxw wanted to go scorched earth. Fortunately she wanted to do mediation, and, _she wants the divorce done right the F now_. I can't be out of this house fast enough to suit her.

There's some faulty logic and math in her reasonings going in her her head, but that's not my business any longer. My adult kids, my future, my grandkids are my priorities. I hope stbxw is happy and has a good future, but she has chosen her path.

So here are my recommendations and what I would do in your situation (and pretty much I was in your shoes).

1) File for divorce. This has 2 purposes. First, it may shock her out of this delusional EA fog she is in. Ideally for all, she suddenly realizes how stupid she's being, and she breaks off the EA. She then goes to IC and you both go to MC. The marriage gets fixed and you stay married.

This does work in a small portion of affairs. My observation is that true reconciliation cannot occur unless and until the cheater comes to loathe what they did, and they commit to doing all the hard work to win you back. Note this is not the same as the cheater feeling sorry for getting caught, or feeling badly about a divorce. There is something broken in your wife that is allowing her to have this EA, and there is certainly some defective thought process going on. If you just take away her candy she is still going to want it and she is going to resent you. So she has to learn to hate the candy and hate that she used to like it.

2) Immediately press for mediation. As others have said, your best financial outcome, custody, child support, alimony, house, _everything_, is available _now_ when she's in the fog and doesn't hate you. Her toxic friends and her lawyer are going to fill her head with visions of future wealth, and how you're such an a55hole she deserves to take it from you. Get a fair settlement agreed upon without giving away your life savings to lawyers.

3) Keep in mind how much worse things get every year older you get if you wait for divorce. Alimony? Retirement? Pension? Child support (college expenses?) Be sure you know how all these things figure in where you live. Almost without exception you are better off divorcing sooner rather than later. Once you start paying college tuition, the court may decide you are obligated to keep paying it no matter what, perhaps to age 26! Alimony may become permanent at 30 yrs marriage. Your 401k and/or pension may become more hers every year.

And then there is the social part. The older you get, the less time there is to find a new partner. Chances are you have no intention of remarrying any time soon, but eventually you may want to. You'll certainly want to date and socialize. The older you get, the more difficult and limited your options.

4) Advocate for yourself. That is, don't give away the farm out of pity for her or out of a rush to be done with things. Decide now what you want. House? Keep your 401k? Specific heirloom objects? Then go to mediation and push for them. Let her take care of her own future. There was a time last year I would have walked away from pretty much everything but my 401k just to be done with her. Don't do that!!!!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

A few more things.

First, living arrangements. I agree it is bad for her to stay. The only way I would do that is with a signed separation agreement or a signed mediation agreement. My wife and I are in the same house in different bedrooms with a mediation agreement. It works, and mostly is polite. But during mediation and other discussions it is very tense for both of us. It would not be good for your child, so you'll have to ensure you have discussions only at the mediator's office or when your child is not around. We're empty-nestors so it works. But it is also stressful. I have to remember she's not my friend any longer, despite her seeming to try to be. As someone else said, you're going to be shocked at what she becomes capable of during the divorce process! She's not the same creature you married years ago.

Second, will your wife buy a new place or rent? The reason I ask is that around here the mortgage process is dead in the water once divorce is filed until it is signed off by the court. So the choice is to buy before filing, or, file and then wait for at least 90 days to apply for a mortgage. Which means either staying in the house together or somebody has to move twice (first to a rental, then later to a purchased home). Since you intend for your wife to move out, just be aware of this complication in the timing.

Third, they say the biggest financial mistake women make in divorce is staying in the marital home. This could apply to you, too, not just to women. Really be sure you can afford it, and if it starts to become a problem then bail out sooner rather than later. A lot of moms want to stay in the house with the kids, but it ends up bankrupting them or eating all their retirement savings. Don't let this happen to you.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

OM's wife needs to be told what her hubby is up to.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

She wants to end things, then she needs to GTFO of your house. And don't wait for HER to "decide" when to file...tell her to get out and then go file yourself.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Tons of great advice here.......Go jihad on her ass and get it done post haste......Don't give her time to think, time to say anything, just get it done before she gets corrupted by outside influences. You are being given a great gift.....the gift of a do-over. There is a great life waiting for you on the other side. Do not compromise your integrity! It will hurt for a while but the other side will be fine and you will be a stronger man. Trust us.....we have all been through this.


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

Hello friend, 

First sorry you are here and sorry for the truth your about to get.
I am going through very similar situation except mine wasnt an EA but PA. In my state we have the no fault law as well but you can file for adultry just doesn't have any weight... anyway she said the same thing to me prior to me filing for divorce. She said we can live together and stay married just for kids. Than she said roomies until they turn 18. Yeah right 7 years of torture. I can barely handle 3 weeks so far and that's all its been. We eat dinner, had a few outings, and occasionally a few one on one conversations. It sucks man I get it. Do yourself a favor and smack yourself hard. Splash some cold water in your face and wake up. She doesn't love you and if she hasn't said it yet she will. File asap. Get her to sign to the agreement and keep your cool. She is in daisy land right now and that is the perfect place. 

Her mind is lost in translation. But as others have said. The family and friends will start blabbing away and tell her she doesn't owe you crap and you were the bad guy so she should get everything and you should pay her to be happy. Plus she breaks your heart. No sweat on her. 

I was so confident when my WS said you can have the house, no alimony, no child support, keep the kids, 50/50 joint but they can live with you, oh and I will help pay for the house and food. 

Than friends and relatives starting yapping. My world was crumbling and I had to pull out an ace. I only have a few left. The divorce date cannot come soon enough. The more time in between the more likely she will start listening to people and not only break your heart but your bank as well. Good luck friend! Be strong and file quickly. No need to hold back. She is the enemy and forget that roomie bs, she is your wife and life partner or a trespasser in your home. And no trespassing should ever be allowed in your home!

Who needs a signature?


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Marc878 said:


> Why let her decide? She's hooked up with another man and you're letting her have all the control over the situation?
> 
> Bad move on your part. You are letting your fear and the weakness that comes with it keep you in limbo.


Yep.

She wants out. OK Give her what she wants.

File for divorce on Monday.


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## Jonj238 (Aug 24, 2016)

I would like to thank everyone for their help and support. Coming here really shows me that I'm not as alone in this as I thought.

My question now is what now? My wife has left me with a big hole in my chest where my heart used to be. I am hurt, sad and a generally broken man. How do I bring myself back to the point where I can be attractive to another woman again? I'm not ready yet, but how do I begin dating again? I haven't looked at a woman that way in 30 years, and wouldn't know the first thing. 
I know the hurt and pain will go away, and I also know I have a lot to offer someone else someday.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Been through it myself less than two years ago. Pm me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Jonj238 said:


> I live in a no fault divorce state, and any party can file and receive a divorce even if the other party doesn't agree. It takes 2 months with no minor children and 6 months with. Property is divided equally, unless different arrangements are agreed on by both parties. My attorney said I need to get her to sign a paper stating that in the event of a divorce, the house becomes the soul property of mine, and that it is a legally binding document in our state.
> 
> I'm just thinking I should try to force her hand by asking her to leave. She'll either wake up and stay, or leave. Either way its over.


Give her exactly what she wants

Only this No being friends

180

She started months ago It's catch up time

Clear and Present Detachment

55


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

just got it 55 said:


> Give her exactly what she wants
> 
> Only this No being friends.


Especially this. Being friends is to alleviate her guilt. That is her problem, not yours.


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## Jonj238 (Aug 24, 2016)

My daughter graduates high school this year. Now that our kids are leaving, I was hoping that my wife and I would be able to spend time together as a couple, traveling, hanging out and just enjoying each others company. I've looked forward to that for so many years, and now that the time is here, she will be gone.


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## tripod (Jun 18, 2016)

Jonj238 said:


> I would like to thank everyone for their help and support. Coming here really shows me that I'm not as alone in this as I thought.
> 
> My question now is what now? My wife has left me with a big hole in my chest where my heart used to be. I am hurt, sad and a generally broken man. How do I bring myself back to the point where I can be attractive to another woman again? I'm not ready yet, but how do I begin dating again? I haven't looked at a woman that way in 30 years, and wouldn't know the first thing.
> I know the hurt and pain will go away, and I also know I have a lot to offer someone else someday.


My first wife and I divorced after 32 years. We lived in a small college town where I was a prof and senior administrator. High visibility job with lots of social functions. 

I moved out and filed after I couldn't deal with her (diagnosed) multiple personality disorder, as soon as the last kid headed off to college. I'd hung in there for 4 years b/c I didn't want my daughter to have to stay with her wacko mother.

Over seven years, I met fascinating women. I was in demand and it was like I was a found treasure--a nice guy who could talk and joke about interesting things. Some became Friends with Benefits. Some were intellectual mates. Some were travel companions. Some were sexual diversions. All of that after what had been a barren existence at best and the 7th level of Hell at worst with the ex. 

You'll do fine. My second wife is 10 years my junior, an accomplished professional in a scientific field, and she found me on Match dot com. Is she perfect. No. (Why would I be here if she were?) But she's 80 percent perfect and I'm working on myself and her to resolve the other 20 percent.


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## Archangel2 (Sep 25, 2014)

@Jonj238 - I wrote the following nearly a year ago on another thread. Your situation has persuaded me to dust this off and repeat it:

Your wife strikes me as the type who does not know what she's got till it's gone. So give her what she thinks she wants. BE GONE! I hope you can successfully detach and work toward the next chapter of your life. There are many good women out there who will appreciate a good, faithful man. Please don't waste any more time on this self-entitled hypocrite.

I hope you can find your inner strength and put this relationship behind you as soon as possible.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

You must man up sir. You must kick her ass out of the house. Let your daughter know why, too. Call POSOM wife. Expose. Next is 180, detach and go dark. Go out on the weekend without her. Tell her you are meeting someone for drinks. **** with her mind as she is yours. I know you hurt as I have been there, but if you beg and play nice you lose. Women respect strength not weakness.


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

Jonj238 said:


> I would like to thank everyone for their help and support. Coming here really shows me that I'm not as alone in this as I thought.
> 
> My question now is what now? My wife has left me with a big hole in my chest where my heart used to be. I am hurt, sad and a generally broken man. How do I bring myself back to the point where I can be attractive to another woman again? I'm not ready yet, but how do I begin dating again? I haven't looked at a woman that way in 30 years, and wouldn't know the first thing.
> I know the hurt and pain will go away, and I also know I have a lot to offer someone else someday.


Going through it now. We were 2 months shy of our 15 year annivesary. She acts like all will remain okay. Even had the gull to ask me if we could still take trips together. The woman is nuts. You cheat on me, walk away from 16 years for some loser and you want me to be a traveling companion. Heck no. 

Bottom line we can all talk the tough guy act and most can commit to it. But we all that have gone through this or going through it, feel your pain brother. No woman will magically fill that void today or tomorrow. Maybe someday, but you have to fill it first. Once you love yourself, you will begin to fill it and than the right woman might be there. 

Have fun and stay busy. Eat healthy, exercise, no contact with her as much as possible. Don't dwell on the past by looking at old photos, videos, letters, texts, vms, whatever. Be you and learn to live without her. It wont be easy and each day will be more difficult. Slowly but surely you will walk away and next time you will be a better man not for a woman but for yourself! Good luck!!

Who needs a signature?


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

Lonely husband 42301 said:


> You must man up sir. You must kick her ass out of the house. Let your daughter know why, too. Call POSOM wife. Expose. Next is 180, detach and go dark. Go out on the weekend without her. Tell her you are meeting someone for drinks. **** with her mind as she is yours. I know you hurt as I have been there, but if you beg and play nice you lose. Women respect strength not weakness.


First and last line. Live it breathe it. Don't allow the jealousy if any to steer you. She may act curious or may not. Ignore all advances or interests on her part. She is still a stone ice killer and the minute you let up she will tear you down and spit in your face.

Who needs a signature?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Idea: file for divorce and tell her that, for now, she can stay in the house. But get the divorce under way and finalized asap. Your daughter doesn't have to know about the divorce if you don't want to tell her. This would be an intermediate answer to your situation.

I can understand not wanting to turn your daughter's senior year of high school upside down on her. On the other hand, she already knows things are bad in the marriage. Splitting up amicably and one of you moving out could be done with a minimum of fuss. If you keep things positive with your daughter and both you and stbxw emphasize to her that the D has nothing to do with her, and that you both want her to have a good relationship with both parents, it need not be horrible for her.

We have been married 34 yrs. I have no idea how to be single! And of course there are questions about health, what kind of women might I meet (or not meet), etc. That is part of what this is, and we have no power over it. So my suggestion is to just accept that it is, and accept that there will be anxieties and unknowns, but not let the fear creep in.

Finally, develop something to go towards. I have a number of things I want to do, in fact too many things! I want to do some traveling, some adventure motorcycle trips, play some music, get involved in some social activities. These are things I have not been able to do while married. So now these become things I am looking forward to doing. Rather than obsessing over what I've lost or what I won't have in the future due to divorce, I am focusing on all the good things which I could not have had while married.


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## tripod (Jun 18, 2016)

Oh....and this is important although I haven't noticed anyone mentioning it: DON'T DRINK!!! You are very very vulnerable. Don't drink alone. If you go out with friends, make it a point to moderate. I lost a good friend to alcohol and it was because he was in the throes of heartbreak from the breakup of his marriage. If you're struggling; try soberrecovery dot com. Stories there make TAM sound like a grade school playground. 

Folks here care about you buddy.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Sorry to hear about your pain. Divorce sucks but you'll recover. I was only married for 8 years, but the most miserable 8 years of my life! lol

Were the 29 years all great? Was the sex/intimacy frequent all those years? Just trying to understand what makes a woman leave after all those years.


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## Jonj238 (Aug 24, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> Just trying to understand what makes a woman leave after all those years.


Me too brother, me too.


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## Palodyne (Mar 3, 2016)

Cut her ass loose. Divorce her and free her to expand her horizons. You deserve better than this. You have been faithful and committed to your family, she is not. Turn her loose to explore all she wants. You focus on the kids and family. You will be the stable parent, your children will appreciate this about you.

When she finally realizes the grass isn't greener on the other side. Tell her you are sorry, but you no longer need a cheating, lying, dishonest woman in your life. And cut her totally loose. There are many women out there that long for a honest, faithful man to stand beside them. Find that woman, and cut your cheating spouse free to pursue infidelity.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

So what have you done this week Jonj238?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Your wife is in _at least_ an emotional affair w/ another man. Contact his wife and expose everything to her. If she's in the habit of leaving Facebook open, I'd probably get my hands on their chats first so that you have something to back up your claims.

Check your phone bill -- and, if possible, her phone -- as well.

Ask her to move out, and prepare to file for divorce yourself. Ask your attorney if having evidence of infidelity would help your case at all, especially as pertains to spousal support.

Read up on and implement the 180.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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