# Cloak and Trigger blowout



## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

My H and I are in R. Or maybe not. I didn't know how bad the triggers would be. But he hooked up a new computer and just seeing him on it broke my heart all over again. He destroyed the previous hard drive after I found him checking out adult sex cam sites around 6 weeks ago.

One of my conditions for R was that he replace it and he did and now I feel that by requiring that, I've made things worse for myself. I tried to deal with this all week and when Sat. came around I just let it all out. Realized I had been crying and talking non-stop for 20 mins---

Then he said, he didn't expect to get "*****ed out" for trying to do what I needed. And also added that he didn't do anything wrong and I am just pms-ing and need to go calm down.

Didn't talk to me for the rest of the day, except for another ridiculous argument. Then 8 hours of silence later I asked what he was doing---and he said "leaving you alone"

All because I saw him back on the computer.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He said your emotions are because you're PMSing? I hate that shet. Your emotions are because he's a jerk.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

A very inappropriate comment by him. I would like to chalk it up to his depression and emotional issues but I really can't. That's just an a$$hole move.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I can understand how this would upset you. I've never been in R and probably never will be as far as I can see but I know it must be difficult to try to move past all that has happened. I wish you the best.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Yeah, today I guess I am being a B****, rude and "b^^^^ing him out."

i finally said, ===yeah, when you love someone and they are out tryng to f*** other girls, it tends to turn ANYONE into a B****!


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Now, its almost time for our weekly "check in"---where we sit down at the table and talk about how things are going with R...

What the he** is there to say?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

You say the truth. That the computer triggered you hard and he screwed the pooch in how he handled it when you flipped out. Reconciliation is hard work. There's no room for ego, agenda, hurt feelings or keeping score. At least as hard as what to say is will you both listen to the other. 

Two choices for you. Push through and have that talk or fold up and let resentment, hurt feelings and bad communication win the day.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

If you use terms like "b**ching" and "screwing the pooch" and PMSing chances are good this will degrade into a screaming, blame-throwing match...and fast! 

I suggest you use the W-T-F-S method instead, keeping the focus on YOU and what you think and feel. So W-T-F-S stands for: 

W*hen*_ you <insert upsetting thing here>_
*I* T*hink*_ <say the words you think in your head>_
*I *F*eel*_ <tell him how you feel>_
S*o* _I'd like to request <insert what your request or what would make you feel better>." Then ask if he'd be willing to do that. 
_
Here's why that method works. Rather than saying "YOU DID X ... and YOU DID Y" and hearing him say "I did not! I did Z!!" this method identifies something that hurts or upsets you, tells him what you *think* (in case he's a Thinker and identifies with thoughts more), tells him how you *feel* (in case he's a Feeler and can identify with feelings more), and directly asks him for what you need!! That way he can either say he is willing to do that, or he's not willing to do it just the way you said but he would be willing to do this (and put out his own things he's willing to do), or he's not willing to do that. YOU express what's happening on your side...and you ask for a solution and give him the dignity of saying yes, no or suggest an alternative. 

Soooooo...be honest. This reaction was NOT okay with you!! If you expect him to be transparent, you have to be transparent too...but using this W-T-F-S will help.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

ElleBee said:


> Is this his typical response to your requests?


No. This is his response when I am upset with him.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> If you use terms like "b**ching" and "screwing the pooch" and PMSing chances are good this will degrade into a screaming, blame-throwing match...and fast!
> 
> These are his terms, not mine......but I did good. Took all the blame and said="Yes I am having a trigger and its worse that I thought it would be. You did what you were supposed to do. I just don't know if I can do it."
> 
> He said he understood.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Yeah, reading the trigger threads this morning....And now that I think of it, I still have triggers from the past relationship I had with my H before we were married. Not affair related, but hurt related. Old arguments or walkouts from 10 years ago, eeegaads!

I know his "triggers" are anything that reminds him of anyone I dated during the 3 years we were broken up ((before the wedding). Which I always thought was weird, because he had so many girlfriends during that time!...anyway...)

Yes TAM has enlightened me. Triggers. Never even thought of these experiences before in this way. They don't make me angery, though, just very, very sad.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

angery LOLS, *angry Monday Morning


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Having actually talked this weekend it seems like R is going good. Feeling good today, it snowed last night and the walks are always beautiful around here. Still thinking of moving into a new house.

Really can't stop wanting to start over in a new place. Not sure what this means but the urge is pretty strong. Saw one place for sale and another for rent on my last walk. This is very therapeutic for some reason.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

rock said:


> He seems like a prick.


Well, its much better now that I found a way to say it without crying and being upset. I read on another thread that the bull**** is up to us to stop- or something like that... I am starting to figure that out what that means now. Finally.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Having actually talked this weekend it seems like R is going good. Feeling good today, it snowed last night and the walks are always beautiful around here. Still thinking of moving into a new house.
> 
> Really can't stop wanting to start over in a new place. Not sure what this means but the urge is pretty strong. Saw one place for sale and another for rent on my last walk. This is very therapeutic for some reason.


LostWife~

I have a suggestion for you, and it's a little weird. Right now you and your hubby seem to be trying to work it out--he seems to be willing to do the work to repair things and you seem to be willing to do the work to forgive. Okay it's not going to be an instantaneous occurrence but you've both agreed and you're trying. 

I would suggest that you to consider actively practicing letting go of past things and at the same time actively practicing recognizing present things. To be honest, I had a really hard time with this myself because I thought "If I let go of THIS or THAT trigger, it means I have no weapon to defend myself and maybe it sort of means I approve or I'm okay with that behavior." But what I came to realize is that by holding onto some of the triggers, I was actually harming ME and actually harming any chances to recover! 

So as an example of "actively practicing letting go of past things" I would recommend printing all those old emails or whatever the evidence is that you periodically dig up and look at. Take those printed emails, seal them into an envelope, and lock them into a safe-deposit box at the bank...so they are not "gone" but you can't get at them easily. Print one extra page (like print one page twice) and take the extra page and burn it, outside in the garden. Burn ALL of it and let the ashes fall onto the soil...and as that page burns it is a symbol of taking your hands OFF those emails and letting go of them. From this day forward, they are in safe storage but they are gone out of your day-to-day life. Then together, you and your hubby go to the place on your computer where they are stored and delete them. So it's like a ceremony and it's one you do together. 

THEN when you have the urge to look up those emails...that's when you "actively practice recognizing present things." Let's say it's late at night, you're tired, he's sort of been ignoring you but you haven't told him you feel that way...and you can't sleep. You have the urge to look at those emails again, only now they've been stored at the bank, and they are not on your computer!! Instead of bringing up that old hurt (and possibly re-wounding yourself), open a notepad or actually take a writing pad, and write down things that happened TODAY for which you are thankful--especially things in your marriage or things that your hubby did. So for example, you might say "He made coffee in the morning" "We cuddled in bed before I had to get up" "We sat by each other" "He texted me while he was at work" "He took his test and got 100%" "He did the dishes" ... and so on. Do your best to think of all the little things that occurred, so that your mind does not go back to be re-traumatized but instead thinks of the present.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Oh I have one other thought. If you have an urge to "move" or go to another house because this one feels like "affair" is written all over it, what if you do one of two things, either: 

1) Do something to "cleanse" the house. This could really be anything that works for you--from having a priest come bless the house, to cleansing it with sage, or from putting up a special "good luck" charm to ward off the tempting spirits, to just really...REALLY deep cleaning it with bleach! 

-OR-

2) Do something to change the house. For example, you could remodel, repaint, put the living room in the family room, get "new" furniture...anything to make this house the NEW HOME. For me, I got a new couch with red curtains and pillows


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Thanks AC for all these wonderful suggestions....I wish I had some chats or emails to burn! This would be a very healing version of the Refiners Fire that we do each year on 12th Night...

My problem is, I don't really know what my triggers are, since it is so recent. All I have are session logs of him on a live sex site and they are on cd..... oh well.

I sure like the idea about cleansing the house. The only problem with that is it may also be a trigger (i know, right?) because we did this on New's Years Day together after I cooked a big turkey. One of the sessions I found was of him on that site after I went to sleep that night! After we had talked about all the changes we wanted for the New Year...

So, that's what is hard. I just want to believe him, but I don't know how to get the trust back. Since he didn't have a PA, its not really the affair house, although it does feel like it, its just HIM! How do I get past it? What if HE is a trigger...? Good Lord

Gosh, such great thoughts, thanks again AC.


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## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

that_girl said:


> He said your emotions are because you're PMSing? I hate that shet. Your emotions are because he's a jerk.


Yeah as a guy that is a very shallow and immature response. True, sometimes women PMS, but if so it never helps to point it out, and even if PMS is a factor, it usually isnt the whole story. Usually men who say "you're PMSing" are using it as an evasion tactic. Sounds like your husband is doing that here.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

brokenbloke said:


> Yeah as a guy that is a very shallow and immature response. True, sometimes women PMS, but if so it never helps to point it out, and even if PMS is a factor, it usually isnt the whole story. Usually men who say "you're PMSing" are using it as an evasion tactic. Sounds like your husband is doing that here.


Yes, he was most certainly using one of his many evasion techniques! I am glad we were able to get over this one but I still worry I won't handle the triggers well in the future and am not really sure what to do when these happen.....Do I just go for a walk? Maybe I should write it down, that was one suggestion from earlier. Yes, write and then maybe burn those pages in the fireplace --- sounds very good right now.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

My H has his first doctors appt. tomorrow re: many issues = spinal surgery recovery, depression, OCD, possible NPD/BPD, etc.

I am very distrustful of big pharma. I have long suspected anti-depressants to be harmful to the body, esp. the side effects, and the scary rates of suicidal ideation when coming off these type of drugs.

I understand the chemistry imbalances that are involved and much prefer natural methods of restoring balance (exercise, meditation, etc.) 

He never followed up with PT after surgery (1 yr ago, except for lots of pain meds) and still has physical issues that plague him from nerve damage/repair. I guess I am fearful that he won't follow through with anything other than drug therapy, since that is what he did before. 

Any thoughts?


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