# Torn and Confused



## Lost in Thought (Jul 26, 2012)

I'm not sure where to start. I'm mentally distraught by the fact my husband is on the prowl again. We've been married for 7 yrs and three years ago he had confessed to having a 6 month affair on me, he told this to me days before my birthday and our 4th anniversary. About three weeks after his announcement his "lover" and her brother were murdered. My husband and I as well as anyone else this woman new were questioned. Last I knew my husband was still looked at as a suspect. Most women would have bailed out by this point but I stayed with him to try and repair our marriage. Well here we are 3 yrs later and its all starting again. It started when he decided he wanted to start being computer savvy like the rest of the world. I didn't like this idea because I have been still in the mending stage of our marriage and trying to learn to trust him. After some squabeling about it I succumbed to helping him set up e-mail acct and FB acct. but i said I wanted to passwords. I figured it was a compromise. He can have his internet access and accts but I get access to passwords to check on him at will to ease my conscience of him possibly cheating. After spending the weekend with my sister who came to visit I logged on to to his FB acct only to find out he changed the password, this got my anxiety going and i in turn changed it so i could see what the hell he was up to. He messaged an old high school friend(female) and in there was a line that threw me over the egde. And I questioned him on it. Well my checking on him and questioning this "line" caused him to break our $1000 cd we had and he went and bought his own laptop. And of coarse he has all different passwords so i cant' get into it. Well as of current my fears have come true he's been online looking at porn(which isn't the worst thing) but he's also created accts on dating sights! I have not seen this for myself but I have definate proof that he has done this. He told me he thought about chatting with women online but hasn't cause it cost money but i found out this morning that he in fact paid for online dating services. I don't know what the hell to do . Do I try to find a good marriage councelor and see if we can't be "fixed". After having a good arguement we sat and talked about stuff. I found out he's angry at me about financial things and also admitted to not feeling appreciated and loved. He read stuff in my journal that I wrote about him, some things were very hurtful. These are some of the reasons he claims he strayed yrs ago. Also he said my mood swings are getting to be more that he can take. I had been diagnosed 3 yrs ago with bi-polar and depression. I had been on meds but quit as I felt the bi-polar diagnosis was not right. Maybe its right after all cause I have to admit that sometimes I can't stand myself with these moods. The past two days or so have been good between us and I don't know If I should follow through with a divorce that I don't want. I asked him if he'd be willing to seek councelling again but he's not optimistic that it'll help. Honestly when we went yrs ago he wasn't a big paticipant in talking. We have two kids together 7 and 4. Theres more i can add but for now I'll leave the thread as it is. Any suggestions??


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Sounds like you should (if not already) get into some therapy on your own and get back on your meds so that you have a better base to decide what the next step is.

Your husband is secretive, non-communicative and a cheater. Those aren't very good traits for a relationship and that's just the tip of your iceberg.


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## Lost in Thought (Jul 26, 2012)

I am looking onto counceling and did start back on meds which I have noticed have helped to some degree given the current situation. I guess another reason I quit taking them and thought the diagnosis to be incorrect is because it was given at the same time as when he put me through turmoil 3 yrs ago. So I thought my mood swings were due to my environment not my mental state. Sometimes you gotta wonder is it really your mind or your surrounding that make you "crazy". As for him absolutely he is sneaky, some have even personally labeled him a sociopath.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

It sounds like your environment hasn't gotten any less crazy than it was a few years ago. The meds are probably a good idea until you and your therapist agree that things are more even keeled. 

If you decide that you want to work on things with your h, you're going to want to get into therapy to create some middle-ground where he can learn to communicate in a healthy way; and you can establish some terms about what is ok for you in the relationship.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

IC for you and demand MC from him.

Tell him the marriage is sick and needs a doctor. No home remedy will work. A professional is what is needed just like what you would get for anyone you loved and cared for and your marriage is a damaged loved one.

We did therapy and the lesson I learned is that you have to find the right one. Not all are good or a good match. You both need to agree on the one you work with and you both have to work not just one or it is a waste of time.


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