# Hot and Cold



## LostInTheTides (Dec 31, 2009)

I'm new to this forum, and I happened to stumble upon it previously. I've been having a serious issue that has seemed to only gotten worse over the years. 

It's very hard for me to actually get into a relationship with someone because I have trust issues (and a single mom). Once I do get into a relationship, it's instantly POW. It's wonderful, it's great, it's intense, it's thrilling and so forth. It starts out very strong, the urge to be together, the wanting to communicate, etc. Then, like clockwork, it sizzles down to nothing. I begin to retract, not feeling like speaking to the person anymore, not wanting to be around them, etc. and so forth. I understand that some relationships simply do not work out but this is a constant issue despite how hard I (we) attempt to work out the relationship, it just crumbles. Mosto f this comes within a month, I can't sustain a long term relationship for the most part.

Even if the relationship is solid with minimal issues (because there's no such thing as a perfect relationship), it's just that spark goes away. Deep down there's that fear of getting close, so close that I'm terrified to lose them to the point I either cling too hard (and ultimately go to the next phase listed next) or I simply grow distant. I've experienced a lot of death in my life and I'm in my mid twenties. I've lost really close friends at a young age to the most important people of my life through young age to early adult (one of the primary ones being my dad a year after my grandma passed away - both were very big parts of my life and the two closest people I had). 

When I was able to go to counseling, it didn't really quite help at all to be bluntly honest. Perhaps I wasn't going to the 'right' counselor. I do have self esteem issues that I've been working on to the best of my ability (but I have a few big hurdles that prevent me from losing weight as much as I want to). 

I'm just at a loss at this point. It's not only romantic relationships but its friendships as well. They seem to just fizzle to nothingness..


Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

maybe don't go all out at first give yourself time to get to know someone and really take your time thinking about what you like and don't like, just live your life and let the added person just add to your life not be your life at first, it sounds like to much to early.....you are afraid of becoming attached and then losing them so you make sure you end it first.
It's better to have loved and lost than to not have loved, I don't know who said that but it's true, we have to take chances and understand that it doesn't always work out but worth the chance.
good luck relax and enjoy your new relationships


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Yep you probably have not found the right counselor, keep looking. 
All relationships experience the diminished "high" of the newness, the shine comes off some for most people.
If you are not really being open this could be AN issue.
I think (or believe strongly) openess=closeness. You can't really get fully close to someone unless you really open yourself up.
If your afraid of that, it may not be the relationship. 
I agree with previous post. Try to watch the signs and go slow as you enter a relationship.
Funny, in an attempt to avoid getting hurt, we sometimes limit how much we will risk, but this in and of itself adds lots of risk that "what you fear the most will meet you halfway".
I am very curious about this subject. Why do people feel that being open=risk? I mean, if i tell you something personal/guarded about myself and you later leave me, what happens? Nothing except I was open to love. Nothing else. 

I whole heartedly agree also with jessi in that you have to be you and the other person should add ( and seek to only add) to your life.

If your overly fixated on an end goal (marraige,whatever) , its an issue also. Let it happen as it happens. The right person is not so easy to find. 


good luck finding that counselor!


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## 13lissy (Nov 8, 2009)

I don't like counselors to begin with, mainly because they are so fast to tell you what's WRONG with you rather than what is RIGHT. 

That being said, I would suggest you do a probation period of 90days. The concept comes from Steve Harvey in his book "Think like a man, act like a lady".
What Harvey says about it:
“I worked at Ford motor company. They have a probation period. You have to be on the job 90 days in order for Ford motor company to release their benefit package to you. Why do women, who possess the greatest benefit of them all, why you passing out your benefits to a guy who has not been on the job for 90 days and has not proven to you that he's worthy of a benefit package?”

So yeah you need to have the next guy keep you interested in having a relationship, without sex ^_^ 


Video's of steve harvey 
Excerpt from his book on using the words "We need to Talk"


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