# Just want closure or reconciliation :/



## deval85 (Jul 26, 2012)

Hello. I just joined the forum because I didn't know where else to turn and my friends are stuck playing neutral between myself and my wife.

Long story short, we are currently separated - we've been separated since October of last year. I started living apart from her in January and our relationship has been volatile...it's gotten to the point where we stopped all contact in June. I know she feels betrayed because I did commit infidelity during our marriage. Our 5th anniversary was a few weeks ago, and I went ahead and broke the silence with a text and told her that I was thinking nothing but positive thoughts. We texted a little, and I've been sticking with texting her once a week, just to check on her and our two kids.

Way back in May, she told her that she poured $3000 into a divorce and she's been meeting with her lawyer.

It's almost August and I still haven't seen any divorce papers, even though we both have acknowledged and threatened that it would be coming soon.

In spite of everything that's happened, I do love my wife, and though she responded to my problems by saying and doing a lot of ridiculous things, I have forgiven her and I would love to try to save the marriage. She's been resistant to marriage counseling in the past, preferring for us to do individual mental counseling because I have been suicidal in the past.

I haven't brought up that I want to be with her because I'm not sure how she'll respond. And I don't want to ask her about the divorce because I don't want to force her hand. I'm stuck in a limbo. I want to be with my wife, but I don't want to get my hopes up only to be slapped with a divorce. On the days when I get tired of being alone, I want to seek comfort in other women because I hate the loneliness, but I can't muster up the courage to even talk to another woman because I get overwhelmed with guilt.

I don't know what to do. I sent her a text this past Monday and just told her that I hoped that she and the kids had a great weekend, but I haven't received a reply. I thought I was ready to move on, but I can't...I don't know if I can ever move on. I just want the pain of this loss to go away. If we're gonna get a divorce, I wish she would stop putting it off and just send the papers.

But if there is a chance for the marriage to be salvaged, then I need to know. Going through this loneliness on a daily basis, not knowing how she or our kids are doing...it's killing me.

Help me out, please.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Wow, that's a pretty tough situation you are in. The limbo sucks! I've been there, and so have so many others here, and not one of us would say it's a great place to be. 

At some point, when you don't want to be in limbo any more, you're going to have to pull yourself out of it. She can't do it for you, otherwise you may end up waiting forever. You are going to make the choice, am I in or am I out. The problem with that is that you only have control over one of those choices, and that's out.

A marriage is two people, and one person can't fix it. Believe me, I tried. It takes two committed people to make it work.

Seems like she is already gone NC on you, and you can't change that.

How often do you see and talk to your kids? Sounds like it might not be very often. Why is that?


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## deval85 (Jul 26, 2012)

I don't talk with them often...I can't legally because there is a protective order against me. Yeah, the circumstances behind that are complicated, but to cut the long story short, during an anxiety attack, I tried to storm out of our bedroom and she stood between me and the hallway. I shoved past her and nearly hung myself out.

She marked it down with the police that I physically put my hands on her and 'violently' pushed her against the wall - the only part of my body that touched her body during the said incident was my shoulder. But I was in a psych ward, so I could not argue - when court came around, she dropped the protective order.

The second one (the one that is currently on me), came 3 months after that incident. I had a moment of suicidal ideation during Christmas and I checked myself into the psych ward. When I came out, she had already taken steps to leave me. Our kids were in another state, so I drove up to see them - unfortunately, she had taken the kids to one of her relatives house and would not allow me to see them, so it was a wasted trip.

When she did let me see the kids, it was after I moved back in with my parents. I came down, saw the kids and opened a few Christmas gifts with them. After I put them to bed, she pretty much threw me out of the house. I went to my parents house and we started arguing over custody.

I wanted joint custody, but she was strongly pushing for full custody on her part with only visitation rights for me. We couldn't come to an agreement, so she texted me that she was sorry for what she was about to do.

A few days later, cops showed up at my parents house and served me with an ex parte, which turned into a protective order. The protective order was the exact same time, only she added that I 'stalked her' over 500 miles.

A few days before court, we started texting and we came to an agreement - she would set up marital counseling if I did not put up a fight in court. I don't know why I did it - but I pretty much didn't fight. I signed a document saying that I was not guilty, but I agree to the terms of the protective order, which, as of this writing, is in effect for another 6 months.

She has allowed me to see my kids in her home. I have watched them overnight - she has even allowed me to bring my son out of state to catch a baseball game. I have repeatedly told her that I had no intention to come to her home unless I was invited by her. I supported the kids by getting them things when she couldn't. But none of that was enough to drop the protective order because in her eyes, somehow, I was a danger to the children.

Personally, I think part of it is that it's because I hurt her with the cheating - so she's hurting me back by keeping the children from me.

We've hurt each other a lot - but it got a lot worse during the early summer. The pain is still there - but I still just want my wife back. And if she doesn't want me back, she needs to send me divorce papers and stop keeping me in limbo.


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## goner (Jul 25, 2012)

deval85 said:


> I don't talk with them often...I can't legally because there is a protective order against me. Yeah, the circumstances behind that are complicated, but to cut the long story short, during an anxiety attack, I tried to storm out of our bedroom and she stood between me and the hallway. I shoved past her and nearly hung myself out.
> 
> She marked it down with the police that I physically put my hands on her and 'violently' pushed her against the wall - the only part of my body that touched her body during the said incident was my shoulder. But I was in a psych ward, so I could not argue - when court came around, she dropped the protective order.
> 
> ...


I'm kind of in the same spot, although no court orders. This is a tough spot. Closure may not feel like relief. On the other hand divorce doesn't either. 
Last night I f***ed myself over by saying this to my estranged wife. I wanted to reconcile or closure hoping for the former. I got the later. If you back a person into a corner, especially in your situation, they will not respond how you want.
Just keep your head up and boots on the ground. Let it ride, you will get what you need. More importantly your kids will get you. If you contact her with that you might go to jail and lose them for longer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deval85 (Jul 26, 2012)

Good point. In the long run, I have to keep in mind that the kids are what's the most important right now, and I shouldn't jeopardize that because I want someone who isn't reciprocating.


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## goner (Jul 25, 2012)

Truer word were never spoken. Focus on them and your health and well being. As they say, it takes 2.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deval85 (Jul 26, 2012)

Yeah...

It's the waiting that's killing me.


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## goner (Jul 25, 2012)

Hobbies? Sounds like you like baseball. Join a league. Try pool or working out. Try not to focus on her and her lack of trying. Waiting for something that may never be is like the definition of insanity. Repeating the same action expecting different results. Not saying your insane, I came to that conclusion myself last week, waiting and trying were making me feel crazy, like that groundhogs day movie. It was very painful. 
It gets better, trust me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deval85 (Jul 26, 2012)

I did start going out of the house more often, just to keep from thinking about my situation. But now I've completely lost my unemployment and all that savings that I had managed to store away were spent on things that needed to be taken care of. So, not sure what to do at this point.


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## goner (Jul 25, 2012)

Yeah, I know the feeling. I just started work again this Wednesday. 4 weeks with no unenjoyment. $40 to last till next Friday. Work helps a lot. Apply any where. Gets you out and keeps your mind busy. Also it will make you feel proud again. Restores some self esteem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## muriel12 (Jul 10, 2012)

Reading these posts, I am afraid that I will be in limbo for longer than I would want since I am not over yet. Does anyone end up pulling the trigger and feeling good about it? If so, how long did you wait since you are left.


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## goner (Jul 25, 2012)

I haven't. My wife did. I imagine if its really over and your partner isn't responsive, then it might be a relief. I don't really know. If your stuck in a bad rut, do you have a choice? Either torment yourself for ever over something you feel you have no control over or take control of it. May not feel good but in the long run you will be better off knowing your in a better place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

i was served today & i feel great, you'd have to start reading my thread to understand, i was doing this next week with my attorney so really she made it easier, i wanted her back so baaaaad, you don't even understand, then i started hearing things, i have a long story but it's pretty good, read as many threads as you can & LEARN from them


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## deval85 (Jul 26, 2012)

I may end up having some closure after all. My wife just texted me a few minutes ago to inform me that the divorce papers will be delivered some time next week. Now comes the hard part of actually dealing with it.


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## deval85 (Jul 26, 2012)

Ya, I'm definitely getting some closure. Unfortunately, she's been pursuing divorce this entire time, and I was too stupid to realize that she was bidding her time. She texted me out of the blue on Saturday to inform me that the papers will be arriving some time this week.

She also thought it necessary to tell me that she was happy right now and that there will never be any chance of a possible reconciliation. And now she wants me to text her when I get the papers. Why the hell does that matter? I'm still waiting, but I think I'm going to go to court - not because I want the marriage, because it's more than clear that she doesn't want it anymore. It seems like she's trying to get sole custody of my kids. Yet, she claims to want me in their lives and it would be easier for her to have custody because she's in the Army.

I thought I would've been fine with things, but the last two nights, I have been haunted with nightmares of her. It's driving up the damn wall and now I can barely focus on studying so I can get this job.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Take her to court over the kids...


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## deval85 (Jul 26, 2012)

That's my intent right now, and she is picking up on it, because she keeps trying to tell me not to go to court.

This time, I'm not going to let her talk me into anything. It's all about the kids, not us.


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