# Hurtful words



## 12j43b (Dec 5, 2021)

Looking for a little advice. Growing up, my friend was the guy that all of the girls liked. When he got married, shortly after, I met my wife. We had been married just under 20 years. One day we were just kind of light hearted talking about the past and growing up and I mentioned that this friend always got the girls. My wife kind of mentioned in humor that it was a good thing that he was married when we met. It hurt much more than I thought. I tried to talk with my wife about it and she wasn't having the discussion. We both know it was true. This friend is still around and it seams like my wife does like him. We have a good relationship; however, since that day, I have noticed that my attitude toward her has changed. Im not nearly as loving. Any advice


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

That was called a s*t test.
She definitely indicated that she might love you less than she has pretended,
I think she owes you an apology and it should be her that has to repair the relationship.
Never let that friend be around your wife alone.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

12j43b said:


> One day we were just kind of light hearted talking about the past and growing up and I mentioned that this friend always got the girls. My wife kind of mentioned in humor that it was a good thing that he was married when we met. It hurt much more than I thought. I tried to talk with my wife about it and she wasn't having the discussion. *We both know it was true.*


No, you don't. You said he "always got the girls". You were fishing for something - she wasn't going to play along. Your wife did not marry you just because your friend was already taken. She hadn't even met him before she met you. You got her whether you want her or not. Give her a break and get your insecurity under control.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> No, you don't. You said he "always got the girls". You were fishing for something - she wasn't going to play along. Your wife did not marry you just because your friend was already taken. She hadn't even met him before she met you. You got her whether you want her or not. Give her a break and get your insecurity under control.


If he said to one of her friends, it's too bad I didn't meet you before I met my wife, there'd be hell to pay.
The wife said openly that she's attracted to his friend more than her husband. There is always a grain of truth with such jokes. 
That's not insecurity, it's a warning.


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## 12j43b (Dec 5, 2021)

I would just let it go, but it has been several years and I havent gotten over it. I dont think she would cheat, and is in no way acting poorly toward me. But she does show signs that she may like him.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

12j43b said:


> I would just let it go, but it has been several years and I havent gotten over it. I dont think she would cheat, and is in no way acting poorly toward me. But she does show signs that she may like him.


If she said the comment many years ago, you should get over it. 
She obviously messed up by allowing her lust to control her thoughts. 
She was wrong to say it, but she is only human.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

12j43b said:


> I would just let it go, but it has been several years and I havent gotten over it. I dont think she would cheat, and is in no way acting poorly toward me. But she does show signs that she may like him.


so several years ago she made a kidding off the cuff remark, and it still bothers you?

is there any other corroborating evidence she does not love you or value the marriage you are in, OR is everything else fine and you just can let go of this ONE LITTLE THING?

if it is this one comment only, dude...you need to move on! Stop replaying that mental image in your mind over and over and over until it grows the size of an Ogre!


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## 12j43b (Dec 5, 2021)

I appreciate your comments. I need to just get over it. It stung and I need to deal with it and be and move on. I should have reached out sooner.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Sometimes one single sting like that can cut to the bone and I do understand it staying with you. What exactly did your wife say when you told her how it made you feel?


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## 12j43b (Dec 5, 2021)

Well she totally dismissed it. I guess it got brought back to the for front for me last week. She wasnt able to make it to an event where there was a large group of friends and when I got back she asked if this friend asked where she was. Why would she care just about him asking? I was probably just overly sensitive.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

jonty30 said:


> _*If he said to one of her friends, it's too bad I didn't meet you before I met my wife, there'd be hell to pay.
> The wife said openly that she's attracted to his friend more than her husband. There is always a grain of truth with such jokes.*_
> *That's not insecurity, it's a warning.*



OMG ... talk about conjecture. How far did you have to stretch to come to *THIS* conclusion?

First of all, it sounded like a JOKE. Jesus, people make jokes like that all the time. I STILL tell my husband if Ricky Martin goes straight, he's going to be my next husband. Just because someone makes a joke-compliment about someone else - whether they're famous or not - *doesn't* mean that they're secretly hatching a plan to make it come true or that it's some kind of sinister 'foreshadowing' of what's to come. How utterly ridiculous.

Secondly, the OP's wife did *NOT* make this comment directly to the OP's buddy, she said it jokingly *to the OP*. When you claim, *"there'd be hell to pay if he had said to one of HER friends"* you're insinuating that the OPs wife made this comment* directly* to his buddy - and that didn't happen. You're borrowing drama and trouble where there isn't any.

OP, just because your wife made a joke about your buddy being attractive back in the day doesn't mean you have to cry into your Cheerios for the next 20 years. If she really meant it, she would have pursued him 20 years ago - she didn't. Take it as the silly JOKE it was for God's sake, and stop borrowing drama where it's not needed.


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## Cindywife (Nov 5, 2021)

12j43b said:


> Well she totally dismissed it. I guess it got brought back to the for front for me last week. She wasnt able to make it to an event where there was a large group of friends and when I got back she asked if this friend asked where she was. Why would she care just about him asking? I was probably just overly sensitive.


She might have a crush on him and nothing else.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

12j43b said:


> Well she totally dismissed it. I guess it got brought back to the for front for me last week. She wasnt able to make it to an event where there was a large group of friends and when I got back she asked if this friend asked where she was. Why would she care just about him asking? I was probably just overly sensitive.


How many times have you made jabs at her about that comment over the years? She may have asked if this friend asked after her to rib you about it.

You say you were married almost 20 years when the convo occurred. How many years ago was that?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

if she ever makes a comment like that again, you can do her sister, throw her car keys on the roof and leave an upper decker in the bathroom! That will teach her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@12j43b She made a joke. Nothing more, nothing less.


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## Imnobodynew (Feb 11, 2016)

Hey op. Simple question. Have you sat her down and asked her? I'd take the angle of:
1 I assume you love me and only me. 
2 you comment hurt my self esteem that you were more attracted to him.

3 I feel like there are signs to that point even after the comment. List signs.

4 it is effecting me in negative ways. I feel like I need reassurance that this is not case. If it is then we need to work on why.

5 I feel like if we can work through this together and I can be reassured we can both more open and confident In on our relationship.

Shrug. listen op. You opened up onto her and you felt she threw some salt on Your insecurities. That will make it harder to open later, for her too. I don't know why your not confident of your wife's love, but love is work. Its not a state where you just get over it. Its a big deal to you if you've held onto that long. Work through it with her. It will help both of your grow closer. If she hasn't cheated or anything in your marriage this might be the start of a new growing pillar in your latter years. Unlike other posters here. You don't have to get over it, work through it.

Another note. Why are you getting so butt hurt about this person? Do you feel threatened? Sounds like you compare yourself to him. Why? You said He got all the girls...Does it matter? You got her. You insecurity does not project sexy confidence on your SO who chose you for your qualities. You have to recognize that Just because she does find some character trait attractive in someone doesn't not mean she loves them. If you feel like her "actions of affection" towards him and uncomfortable and inappropriate then speak you mind. If you do wear your self responsible badge - I own it its me but help me please as my part for life. This shows "I am confiden in you, just need a little reassurance for myself.

*__*
I got all the girls one time in my life, I was so shallow at the time. I jumped from relationship to relationship. Some of those scars I carried into my marriage. I can't tell you how hollow I felt on the inside. When a friend told me later in life he was a little jealous of my exploits. I was shocked. I told him I was always jealous of his abilityto be so single minded when it came to women. That my past life was the result of me numbing out my hurts and hang ups. That I would have given anything at the time to come from a stable home and was able to just invest into my wife confidently.
*_*

If you feel she is a little to forward with this friend let her know it bothers you. The problem these days with male best friends is that there is a sense of familiarity that can overstep non clear boundaries. The boundaries get blurred and bad stuff happens. I'd keep a watchful eye but after you work through your insecurities so it doesn't bleed into paranoia.

Hope this helps. Sorry for typos


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

12j43b said:


> Looking for a little advice. Growing up, my friend was the guy that all of the girls liked. When he got married, shortly after, I met my wife. We had been married just under 20 years. One day we were just kind of light hearted talking about the past and growing up and I mentioned that this friend always got the girls. My wife kind of mentioned in humor that it was a good thing that he was married when we met. It hurt much more than I thought. I tried to talk with my wife about it and she wasn't having the discussion. We both know it was true. This friend is still around and it seams like my wife does like him. We have a good relationship; however, since that day, I have noticed that my attitude toward her has changed. Im not nearly as loving. Any advice


It's not a big deal. She's just saying she finds him attractive. Who did she marry? You. Give it up. No biggie.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

12j43b said:


> Well she totally dismissed it. I guess it got brought back to the for front for me last week. She wasnt able to make it to an event where there was a large group of friends and when I got back she asked if this friend asked where she was. Why would she care just about him asking? I was probably just overly sensitive.


Well it was either fishy, or if a joke then in extremely poor taste. She knows how you feel.

I'd wager both.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

It's funny how we seem surprised to find a ch*nk in our armor when we are probably aware of them at any given time. This is a chance for you to address how this insecurity causes such a reaction as hurt and resentment, a wonderful chance for you to become more aware of the why's and how's that affect you.

Is your happiness and good will as dependent on this as you think it is? Or is it an opportunity to shift the responsibility?

We often have a hard time sharing when we feel insecure, defensiveness is an understandable response but please don't let it rule you... you have a lot of say in this. If it had happened several weeks ago I would say keep it simple and let her know that it hurt and you were left feeling insecure and would like a few minutes to talk about it, then end her responsibility in it as you understand yourself better.

As it happened several years ago, the loving and kind thing would be to own this and forgive for the misunderstanding as I feel bringing it back up now will only rob you both of good feelings without addressing the cause.

After that, remember that self-pity (feeling sorry for ourselves) is always a choice, spreading a sense of misery that touches many other things unintentionally.

It's a big deal to you, so I'm not going to tell you to get over it... I'm going to ask you to consider overcoming it in a way that allows you to put this hurt into perspective and build a practice that not only keeps it from coming back, but prevents it from seeding into other things like anger and resentment.

A chance to move beyond selfishness, which is what happens when this type of insecurity transcends into feeling sorry for ourselves.

Take responsibility and control, love yourself more and then share that love with your wife... with far fewer conditions.

Peace be with you.


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

She's M, but she's not dead. And yes, she shouldn't have said what she did. So, like all the other "girls", she likes the looks of him. Please factor in that some of your feeling may be related to the fact he had all that girl worship and it's hurtful, now that it's your W. Remember, there's nothing there, there. 

Please go light on her. And no, she shouldn't say things like this. But this doesn't mean she has this real deep thing for this guy and can't wait to hook up or anything. She's just reacting as the women do. For any committed woman, it ends right there.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Her comments have a little sting to them because it shows a degree of "settling." We all want our partner to declare their uncompromising love and desire for us above all others from the moment they laid eyes on us until we die of old age. 
But at some point we all grow up. We all settle to one degree or another in one sense or another. 

If you had ran into Anna Kendrick and she was begging for it from you before you met your wife, would you have walked away from Anna??

Part of this is hypergamy and our acceptance of it as society makes it ok for women to make little comments like this but there would be hell to pay if a man says something like that. 

People have mentioned shyt tests. In a way you were probably trying to shyt test her by seeing if she would say, "oh you are sooo much more handsome and sexy and I would have never gotten down with him back in the day." But you can't shyt test a shyt tester. Women are the shty testers and that is an arena for which men cannot compete.


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## Imnobodynew (Feb 11, 2016)

You know working through my wife's and my unneeded affairs and issues, we talk about these things all the time. How certain traits might be attract to us. We are not threatened anymore. It looks us work to get here though. For some of comes easier then others. Either way it takes work, sell security/esteem, and real trust.

An example might be. I would be lying if I'm out with my wife and a movie star looking woman crossed our view and she asked me if I found her attractive. I used to hide these thoughts. Now I just say sure physically I wonder how much work that takes. The we discuss how she prob works out for hours a day (I used to), spends hours on Her perfect makeup. Takes hours to dress and has to watch what she eats. Omg. This isn't the type of I woman I want. I'm exaggerating here but... I love my wife. I love how she is willing to try any food and eat it again if its tasty lol I love how she brushes her beautiful hair and throws on a dress and lipstick and we can walk the beach. I love she works out half an hour in the morning takes a shower then jumps back in bed with me for physical intimacy before work. Lol I'd never give that up.. That movie star woman might be a fit for someone else, but not for me lol.

I'm sure, unless you feel your wife hasn't been honest to you, that she feels the same way. You just have to work through your insecurities and not project  Dump your ego and build some self esteem. Its sexy.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

12j43b said:


> I would just let it go, but it has been several years and I havent gotten over it. *I dont think she would cheat*, and is in no way acting poorly toward me. * But she does show signs that she may like him.*


How many husbands have thought the same, only to find out otherwise? This is something that continues to bother you. Your gut is talking to you, trying to tell you something.


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## GaLaxya (Sep 26, 2021)

12j43b said:


> I appreciate your comments. I need to just get over it. It stung and I need to deal with it and be and move on. I should have reached out sooner.


In order to get over it you need to understand.
But in order to fully understand, you need to know 100% what she is feeling and thinking.
Bad news, you'll never know.

Even if you ask her, she might lie. You'll never know.

Second option is, you'll accept that she fancies or fancied(!) him more then you. Or that she would have chosen him over you.

But this can be interpretated as either:
1) she is glad she never had the chance to date him, because she knows now that you are the better one to be with. Or she finds you now more attractive then him. (She fancied him)

Or

2) she was exited to talk with you about his attractivness and relieve herself of her feelings of regret of not having him as partner. She just covered it up by saying 'otherwise' she wouldn't have been with you. (She still fancies him)

When she said it, you wanted it to mean no.1
But your instinct or insecurity (can be either) tells you no.2 is the case.

As she doesn't want to talk to you, I assume it ks rather number 2, I am afraid.

I as women or partner would love to tell my loved one why he is better. Because I am in love, I would get exited about telling my loved one why I love him.

You get the picture?

Did she do any of this? Did she try to reassure you and tell you why she loves you?

Yes = no. 1...
No = no. 2 ...

most likely.

Unless! You are a pathological jelouse person and you freak out if a men just looks in her direction.

The question is, why did you tell her what you did?
Was it really just a joke or did you wanted to test her?

Are you doing this very often such love tests?

It must be hounting to you having experienced women being more attracted to your friend.
And I can imagine that the question, if your wife fancying him was already bothering you somehow.
And it seems you might have gotten the answer you didn't wanted or not.

The problem of your wifes answer is that she didn't make a clear statement.
Her answer was neither a chocolate cake nor a vanilla cake. She gave you a chocanilla cake.

Now you are confronted with the ask to find out how much vanilla and how much chocolate content this cake has, simply by eating it.

You get it?
Unless you ask her for her secret recipe, you'll never know.

And you have to trust that she is willing to share the recipe of her sweet chocanilla cake with you and isn't giving you a different recipe to make you shut up.

I really think your wife shouldn't have told you that. But there is a reason she did what she did.

And this is why it is bothering you.
The Why...

And find out if it is hurting you because she poked her finger into ylur old wound or because you cpuld see from her behavior that she gets exites over him.

I don't know your friend. Is he so attractive and sexy that a person would have a crush for so many years on him?

If you can't get over it, maybe try making her your plan B... and make sure she'll knows it! 🙃


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## GaLaxya (Sep 26, 2021)

Deleted


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

jonty30 said:


> That was called a s*t test.
> She definitely indicated that she might love you less than she has pretended,
> I think she owes you an apology and it should be her that has to repair the relationship.
> Never let that friend be around your wife alone.


'If you can't trust your wife to be alone with someone, then you need to find a different wife. I'd trust my wife drunk, mad at me, in bed with Chaning Tatum.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You were showing some real insecurity when you went fishing on that subject with her. If she already doesn't like your insecurity, which I have no idea, then yeah she might have just thought, Deal with it. Because after all that's what everyone wants everyone else to do with insecurity, deal with it themselves, because the other person can't fix them.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I STILL tell my husband if Ricky Martin goes straight, he's going to be my next husband.


That’s la vida LOCO!


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

My wife were walking today on a hiking trail and there was a lady coming up the other direction and she was beautiful. She looked like the girl in Rome who was also in Luther but a younger version.

I ask my wife damn did you see her she looks like that actress only better! My wife says hmm yeah you’re right she does.

Then we went shopping.

My point? Facts are facts. Someone being hot or whatever I mean it is what it is.


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## 12j43b (Dec 5, 2021)

Thanks for all of the comments. I know there are other good looking people out there that catch our eye. However, I guess the part that hurts...given the option, she may have chosen different. Given my choice, I would have made the same one with her.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

She asked if the guy had mentioned her? Was she serious? That seems like an odd thing to do, especially if she knows you're feelings about the subject.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

12j43b said:


> Thanks for all of the comments. I know there are other good looking people out there that catch our eye. However, I guess the part that hurts...given the option, she may have chosen different. Given my choice, I would have made the same one with her.



Agree that it's different when it's someone that you know vs someone on the street or on TV, etc...

And I also agree with what another poster mentioned, that this stuff seems more accepted when women say it, but a guy gets crucified if he mentioned anything similar...I'd bet that if he(OP) said her friend had a way better body than she did and she was lucky that he didn't have a crack at her first, it would crush the life out of the wife...joking or not...


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Mybabysgotit said:


> 'If you can't trust your wife to be alone with someone, then you need to find a different wife. I'd trust my wife drunk, mad at me, in bed with Chaning Tatum.


I don't think you'd be thinking those words if your husband said those words to you about some woman or one of your girlfriends.
But I think he's in the wrong to be holding onto that hurt after 20 years.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

12j43b said:


> Looking for a little advice. Growing up, my friend was the guy that all of the girls liked. When he got married, shortly after, I met my wife. We had been married just under 20 years. One day we were just kind of light hearted talking about the past and growing up and I mentioned that this friend always got the girls. My wife kind of mentioned in humor that it was a good thing that he was married when we met. It hurt much more than I thought. I tried to talk with my wife about it and she wasn't having the discussion. We both know it was true. This friend is still around and it seams like my wife does like him. We have a good relationship; however, since that day, I have noticed that my attitude toward her has changed. Im not nearly as loving. Any advice


Look, she said it as a joke, you state that yourself. I can understand why it may have hurt some, but she meant it as a joke, not a jab at you. The way she mentioned him in the more recent conversation is a little odd, but unless you are worried about infidelity or something, I would just let this go. I think she didn't want to talk about it because she knew it was a joke and maybe even felt a little bad after the fact, so she didn't want to dig deeper. 

What you are feeling is somewhat similar to retroactive jealousy. I've been there. I am not my wife's first love, so I guess that means I wasn't her first choice and it has caused me to feel hurt in the past. Granted, I wasn't an option at the time she started dating her then fiancé, but fact is she would have even chose him over me at the time I first met her, before we were romantically involved. Now though, I know I am the one man she loves more than any and I know she loves me more than any that came before me. I also know in my mind I've been a better husband to her than the other guy could have been by a long shot and she knows it too. I'm confident. That is the head space you need to get to. She chose you when she said yes to dating you. She chose you when she said yes to your marriage proposal. She has been married to you for well over 20 years. She has stuck it out with you for the long haul. You are the one she loves and the one she wants to be with. Don't ever forget that and any time these insecure thoughts come up just remind yourself of all those facts.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Mybabysgotit said:


> 'If you can't trust your wife to be alone with someone, then you need to find a different wife. I'd trust my wife drunk, mad at me, in bed with Chaning Tatum.


Do be so silly. 

Why is your loyal wife in a bed with another man? 

Would you trust her drunk, mad at you and in bed with your best looking friend that she said she would have probably married had she met him before you?


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

If your wife's attracted to another guy, to the point she actually admits it in joke form, first and foremost get rid of him as a friend. He's not your friend if he's charming your wife. If I have respect for a guy I'm the biggest bore imaginable around his wife. Limit whatever contact you and her have with him the best you can.

Second, about your hurt feelings, now you know you're second best. So make a choice. Stay with her and find a way to get over it and love her for who she is or get rid of her and start anew after 20 years.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

jonty30 said:


> If he said to one of her friends, it's too bad I didn't meet you before I met my wife, there'd be hell to pay.
> The wife said openly that she's attracted to his friend more than her husband. There is always a grain of truth with such jokes.
> That's not insecurity, it's a warning.


Says a man who doesn't have the slightest clue how a woman's brain works. Women are not as direct as men and can smell insecurity a mile away, which by the way is totally unattractive. The OP shouldn't play games if he cannot handle the outcome. It seems he can make light hearted jokes but she can't., he needs to get over himself.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

aine said:


> Says a man who doesn't have the slightest clue how a woman's brain works. Women are not as direct as men and can smell insecurity a mile away, which by the way is totally unattractive. The OP shouldn't play games if he cannot handle the outcome. It seems he can make light hearted jokes but she can't., he needs to get over himself.


I will bring up your quote the next time some woman here mentions that her husband has talked about some attractive woman at work.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Like I said before, joke or no joke, this was hurtful and she was dismissive when you brought it up. If she sees this as insecurity, she will lose you and it will be her loss. It seems like many women here are dismissing this as men not being understanding of how a woman thinks .... until it surfaces to bite them in the ass when it happens in reverse. She will always find men who are attractive but she also needs to be mindful of what she says and your feelings about it. It is what she is doing after that really sucks. And her asking if _*"he asked about her" - *_WTF?!?!?! I would love to hear the women's explaining of this here ... oh wait, I know - they will deny that this is anything more than a joke until she says something like this and then the explanation is (wait for it) ... "it's just a crush" !!


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## Cindywife (Nov 5, 2021)

gaius said:


> If your wife's attracted to another guy, to the point she actually admits it in joke form, first and foremost get rid of him as a friend. He's not your friend if he's charming your wife. If I have respect for a guy I'm the biggest bore imaginable around his wife. Limit whatever contact you and her have with him the best you can.
> 
> Second, about your hurt feelings, now you know you're second best. So make a choice. Stay with her and find a way to get over it and love her for who she is or get rid of her and start anew after 20 years.


Totally agree. Get rid of the friend. ASAP he's probably flirting with the wife.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

One last parting thought. When you initially made the statement about friend getting all the girls, did you consider that your wife may have been thinking "what am I, chopped liver?". Now, a guy who thought he won the prize would have said "He got all the girls, except for the best one". It removes any doubt that you settled for the leftovers.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> One last parting thought. When you initially made the statement about friend getting all the girls, did you consider that your wife may have been thinking "what am I, chopped liver?". Now, a guy who thought he won the prize would have said "He got all the girls, except for the best one". It removes any doubt that you settled for the leftovers.


a better response would have been "yeah, he got all the girls.....and gave them all herpes too!"

let that mental image bounce around in her brain for a few days!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> One last parting thought. When you initially made the statement about friend getting all the girls, did you consider that your wife may have been thinking "what am I, chopped liver?". Now, a guy who thought he won the prize would have said "He got all the girls, except for the best one". It removes any doubt that you settled for the leftovers.


Hmm....I was going to post that I thought her comment was ****ty, hut then I saw this post. I hadn't thought of it that way but you're right...his comment could've been taken as HIM settling for what he could get since buddy got the desirable ones.

OP, when you made the comment about him getting all the girls did you happen to throw in that he didn't get the best one, or something of that nature?

Maybe you insinuated that you settled since your friend got the girls you REALLY wanted. If that's how I felt I could see making a snarky comment in return.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> One last parting thought. When you initially made the statement about friend getting all the girls, did you consider that your wife may have been thinking "what am I, chopped liver?". Now, a guy who thought he won the prize would have said "He got all the girls, except for the best one". It removes any doubt that you settled for the leftovers.


Great post. OP missed an opportunity to score some romance points, instead he's here years later with hurt feelings.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Meh....I dunno....

She could have easily also said something like..."well, he may have gotten quantity, but you got quality"..instead she chose to kick him in the nuts....

I don't see how a guy saying that a stud got all the women, is then immediately an insult to the woman he is with... Everyone knows what that means..He never said he got all the best women, the hottest women, etc...

No guy is going to take what she said well...some will ignore it and let it go after a few moments and others like this guy will hang onto it forever...But no...it's not a really good or smart thing to say to someone that you supposedly care about...And no woman would take a similar comment well, either, in fact, i'd contend that they would be far more bothered by a similar comment.....


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

hamadryad said:


> Meh....I dunno....
> 
> She could have easily also said something like..."well, he may have gotten quantity, but you got quality"..instead she chose to kick him in the nuts....
> 
> ...


I agree. I think a lot of women posting in this thread would be hugely taken aback if they said of a friend - that she got all of the guys growing up - and her husband replied yeah it's a good thing she was already married when we met. Said as a joke or not it's a bit yucky. Especially given a current interest in the person, which OP has relayed.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Women would be smart enough to not make themselves look like a loser compared to a friend and then expect spouse to console them for how unlucky they were in their younger days.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Would you trust her drunk, mad at you and in bed with your best looking friend that she said she would have probably married had she met him before you?


No, cause I would have never of married someone like that. I'm not a complete fool. Please do your homework BEFORE you get married. After is too late.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

jonty30 said:


> I don't think you'd be thinking those words if your husband said those words to you about some woman or one of your girlfriends.
> But I think he's in the wrong to be holding onto that hurt after 20 years.


You're right cause i'm smart enough to vet the woman I marry so wouldn't be in that position to begin with. Think about it, would you marry someone that was hot for your friend? You would have to get your head checked.

any more questions?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Mybabysgotit said:


> You're right cause i'm smart enough to vet the woman I marry so wouldn't be in that position to begin with. Think about it, would you marry someone that was hot for your friend? You would have to get your head checked.
> 
> any more questions?


You think you're 100% in vetting all the persons in your life, including spouse, that all are perfect and there will never ever be misconceptions or challenges of any types?

God complex much?


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You think you're 100% in vetting all the persons in your life, including spouse, that all are perfect and there will never ever be misconceptions or challenges of any types?
> 
> God complex much?


No, I KNOW I'm a 100%, at least thus far. Got 16 years and no real issues under my belt. Can people change, sure, but you are missing the point. My point is to not go into a marriage with baggage and knowing your wife was hot for your friend falls in the BAGGAGE dept. in my book.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Mybabysgotit said:


> No, I KNOW I'm a 100%, at least thus far. Got 16 years and no real issues under my belt. Can people change, sure, but you are missing the point. My point is to not go into a marriage with baggage and knowing your wife was hot for your friend falls in the BAGGAGE dept. in my book.


The OP had been married just under 20 years when this conversation came up and she made the comment about his friend. It isn't like she said this during their engagement and he still married her. I bet he was 100% certain of his partner vetting ability up to that point, 20 years in.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> Hmm....I was going to post that I thought her comment was ****ty, hut then I saw this post. I hadn't thought of it that way but you're right..*.his comment could've been taken as HIM settling for what he could get since buddy got the desirable ones.*
> 
> OP, when you made the comment about him getting all the girls did you happen to throw in that he didn't get the best one, or something of that nature?
> 
> Maybe you insinuated that you settled since your friend got the girls you REALLY wanted. If that's how I felt I could see making a snarky comment in return.


Which probably is the case since he's carried this envy of that guy all these years, so he envied him back then and wanted what he was getting. It's that unattractive insecurity that a person needs to deal with in therapy. Truth is, there's probably some woman he could name he didn't have a shot at because of this guy that he would have preferred over his wife, since this guy presumably gets the cream of the crop. So whatever she responded, I bet she's heard all this type thing before to the point she knows it's beyond her control and just tries to deflect the implied insults.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

12j43b said:


> Looking for a little advice. Growing up, my friend was the guy that all of the girls liked. When he got married, shortly after, I met my wife. We had been married just under 20 years. One day we were just kind of light hearted talking about the past and growing up and I mentioned that this friend always got the girls. My wife kind of mentioned in humor that it was a good thing that he was married when we met. It hurt much more than I thought. I tried to talk with my wife about it and she wasn't having the discussion. We both know it was true. This friend is still around and it seams like my wife does like him. We have a good relationship; however, since that day, I have noticed that my attitude toward her has changed. Im not nearly as loving. Any advice


That is a F/U thing to say. Wonder how she would have liked it if you responded "Yeah, then i could have found a better wife"?

I had a friend and older cousin like that. I would monitor her interaction with that friend. I would be concerned with her boundaries...or lack there of around this friend.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Longtime Hubby said:


> It's not a big deal. She's just saying she finds him attractive. Who did she marry? You. Give it up. No biggie.


Because as she said...the buddy was already taken.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> Because as she said...the buddy was already taken.


Nothing creates ED like knowing your wife is not into you and let's you know about it.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

So basically a person can never relax and make a joke without you throwing away a friend and thinking your wife is being unfaithful or settled for you? How do you expect her to be honest with you when it counts if this is how you react to an offhand comment? Yes it wasn't the most sensitive joke and I can see why you were a little annoyed inside but that's pretty much where you should have brushed it off, made a romantic comment in return to keep it light and LET IT GO. This level of insecurity is not attractive.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

joannacroc said:


> So basically a person can never relax and make a joke without you throwing away a friend and thinking your wife is being unfaithful or settled for you? How do you expect her to be honest with you when it counts if this is how you react to an offhand comment? Yes it wasn't the most sensitive joke and I can see why you were a little annoyed inside but that's pretty much where you should have brushed it off, made a romantic comment in return to keep it light and LET IT GO. This level of insecurity is not attractive.


He should be over it, because it was 20 years ago. However, a wife cannot expect a husband to not react by withdrawing from her for a such a joke.
Even if I had managed to keep my mind clear and do as you suggest, little Jonty probably would be shy for a few days. 
Men are well aware that such a joke with with the wife would be couch time for two weeks.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

jonty30 said:


> Nothing creates ED like knowing your wife is not into you and let's you know about it.


He comment reminds me of her insensitivity like my moms. Mom was a bi+ch and dad was diabetic and had ED. She made the comment a couple of times in mixed company, even at the table in a restaurant, that "She was not interrested in sex, even if dad was able to "get it up".

I told my wife if we were in that situation and she said that to me, i would slap her with divorce papers so fast it would make her head spin.


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## 12j43b (Dec 5, 2021)

Thank you all for the comments. I haven't spoke with anyone about this and I appreciate the input. I probably should have not shared this information with my wife because it was a sore subject. I do know that I love my wife and would definetly choose her all over again. She is a wonderful woman. I do know with near certainty that at some point she had or has a crush on him, yet, I know that she loves me. Knowing what she knows now, would she still choose him is the the real question that I have been restling with. That is an answer I don't think we should explore. I will have to find a good way moving forward.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

12j43b said:


> Thanks for all of the comments. I know there are other good looking people out there that catch our eye. However, I guess the part that hurts...given the option, she may have chosen different. Given my choice, I would have made the same one with her.


It also hurts to think more of your spouse and they verify themselves, that they are no different than all the other groupies that were chasing the buddy's johnson.

I had a party guy friend like that...i tried to warn off one girl that we were both talking to that i liked. Told her she had a choice. She chose him and after he "hit it and quit it" she came back sniffing around me. Um no! I would not let my dog do 2nds after this friend who would do any girl that gave him chance.

Also had older cousin that seemed to always cut in on my dances, so to speak. He knocked up the girl i was seeing and took to the prom.

Met my wife who seriously disliked both my cousin and friend and when neighbor up the street tried to get her to go out with him, knowing she was living with me(6 mo before wedding) she came home PISSED that he disrespected me that way. 

I have told her those 2 incidents mean the world to me and shows me i am her 1st choice. 

She always has my back. A week ago i was looking for a drugged out guy in some old houses on my moms property that had done over a $1000 damage to her vehicles. He was armed with a long fillet knife. I had on my BPV and was clearing the houses with my AR15 and 9mm. She followed me with her 9mm to cover my back.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

manfromlamancha said:


> Like I said before, joke or no joke, this was hurtful and she was dismissive when you brought it up. If she sees this as insecurity, she will lose you and it will be her loss. It seems like many women here are dismissing this as men not being understanding of how a woman thinks .... until it surfaces to bite them in the ass when it happens in reverse. She will always find men who are attractive but she also needs to be mindful of what she says and your feelings about it. It is what she is doing after that really sucks. And her asking if _*"he asked about her" - *_WTF?!?!?! I would love to hear the women's explaining of this here ... oh wait, I know - they will deny that this is anything more than a joke until she says something like this and then the explanation is (wait for it) ... "it's just a crush" !!


Or she is showing how big of a B she is by taking another jab. I would say "Hell no, why would he?!"


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Cindywife said:


> Totally agree. Get rid of the friend. ASAP he's probably flirting with the wife.


Or get rid of the wife that is fantasizing about his buddy. Buddy may be oblivious to her desires.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

joannacroc said:


> So basically a person can never relax and make a joke without you throwing away a friend and thinking your wife is being unfaithful or settled for you?


You mean an ”offhand joke” that she is CONTINUING to stick in his face, despite knowing FULL WELL it hurt him deeply? That was when she just asked him if this other guy asked where she was. I assume you think that was yet another “offhand joke”? If it was, she’s a ***** for twisting the knife. If it wasn’t, there’s something even worse going on with her genuinely interested in him.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Women would be smart enough to not make themselves look like a loser compared to a friend and then expect spouse to console them for how unlucky they were in their younger days.


Many talk about making bad choices in men....

Or the girl that always stole the BF or guy they were hot for....

A good snarky comment to them not being good enough would hurt them either way, but she would still be upset even if the guy said, it was just a joke....


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

How many threads on here by men telling similar stories and opining that "she would never cheat", only to find out that what he thought impossible was reality. 

Yes it has been two decades, and the past is always best left there. Don't go digging in the backyard because there may be some bodies buried there and they will stink up the place if uncovered. But, keep eyes and ears open because there is no one who is immune to having their previously faithful partner stolen.


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## Imnobodynew (Feb 11, 2016)

Why not? Sometimes it affair proofs your marriage if there are no skeletons I your backyard. But the why no is more central around approaching the butt her work her to work through it? I dunno man. This was 2 years ago you say. Sometimes just letting things go doesn't work for some people.. you will be in a better mind frame to love her without insecurity if this cleared up with her help.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

gr8ful1 said:


> You mean an ”offhand joke” that she is CONTINUING to stick in his face, despite knowing FULL WELL it hurt him deeply? That was when she just asked him if this other guy asked where she was. I assume you think that was yet another “offhand joke”? If it was, she’s a *** for twisting the knife. If it wasn’t, there’s something even worse going on with her genuinely interested in him.


Especially it being obvious to OP that she "likes" the buddy.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Just a personal story, my wife at age 15 was “friends” with 18 yo son of friend of her mother. Wife and I met and started dating when she was 17 and he had left the state two years before. Bothered hell out of me, despite her assurances that there was no romance at all from her side, that she thought of him as a bother. As a male I was imagining what he was thinking of.

Fast forward to decade later after we been married 5 years when this “old friend” with his wife and child visited our home for couple of days. Triggered me tremendously. Couldnt wait for them to leave Wife never mentions because she knows is a sore subject.

It has been 6 decades since she was “friends”, and he died a decade ago!!


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## Imnobodynew (Feb 11, 2016)

Rus. I think the difference is that this Friend is still in orbit and open has mentioned that certain actions from her part has threaten him. It may be nothing but his issue but it can be an issue that they both work on....


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## Willnotbill (May 13, 2021)

If I was the OP my guard would be up and I would be very attentive about the wife and friend. It might be nothing but its a red flag that should not be ignored.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

jonty30 said:


> I will bring up your quote the next time some woman here mentions that her husband has talked about some attractive woman at work.


Please go ahead! The OPs statement was a back-handed insult as pointed out succinctly by @Goldilocks . I would be pissed off if my husband said something like that (why did he settle or something) and then he feels all hurt years later. His wife has not forgotten and hence brings up the OM and did he ask for her etc. Don't play with fire if you cannot stand the heat.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

12j43b said:


> Well she totally dismissed it. I guess it got brought back to the for front for me last week. She wasnt able to make it to an event where there was a large group of friends and when I got back she asked if this friend asked where she was. Why would she care just about him asking? I was probably just overly sensitive.


SO, you could have just answered -- "Why do you think he would ask about YOU? Have you SEEN the women he dates?"
Then when SHE gets all butt-hurt, maybe you two could actually talk it out.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> No, you don't. You said he "always got the girls". You were fishing for something - she wasn't going to play along. Your wife did not marry you just because your friend was already taken. She hadn't even met him before she met you. You got her whether you want her or not. Give her a break and get your insecurity under control.


He mentioned that this friend always got the girls. He didn’t ask if she found him attractive or if she liked him. Then she offered that he best be glad that he was married when they met. What a f’d up thing to say.

If a husband said that to a wife, he would be ripped to shreds on here.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Cindywife said:


> She might have a crush on him and nothing else.


Then she should have kept her mouth shut and not have said anything.

For her to miss the event then ask if this guy missed seeing her there is a big red flag.


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## Cindywife (Nov 5, 2021)

ABHale said:


> He mentioned that this friend always got the girls. He didn’t ask if she found him attractive or if she liked him. Then she offered that he best be glad that he was married when they met. What a f’d up thing to say.
> 
> If a husband said that to a wife, he would be ripped to shreds on here.


Here is his quote 

_"We had been married just under 20 years. One day we were just kind of light hearted talking about the past and growing up and I mentioned that this friend always got the girls. My wife kind of mentioned in humor that it was a good thing that he was married when we met"._

Yeah, she was probably angry he said that without saying "but none of them were as good as you." My husband knows instinctively if he says someone is pretty he follows up quickly "but not as pretty as you." LOL It doesn't have to be true he says it anyway.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

aine said:


> Says a man who doesn't have the slightest clue how a woman's brain works. Women are not as direct as men and can smell insecurity a mile away, which by the way is totally unattractive. The OP shouldn't play games if he cannot handle the outcome. It seems he can make light hearted jokes but she can't., he needs to get over himself.


What game was he playing? Talk about reading into something that isn’t there.


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## Cindywife (Nov 5, 2021)

ABHale said:


> Then she should have kept her mouth shut and not have said anything.
> 
> For her to miss the event then ask if this guy missed seeing her there is a big red flag.


Who knows?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Cindywife said:


> Here is his quote
> 
> _"We had been married just under 20 years. One day we were just kind of light hearted talking about the past and growing up and I mentioned that this friend always got the girls. My wife kind of mentioned in humor that it was a good thing that he was married when we met"._
> 
> ...


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

joannacroc said:


> So basically a person can never relax and make a joke without you throwing away a friend and thinking your wife is being unfaithful or settled for you? How do you expect her to be honest with you when it counts if this is how you react to an offhand comment? Yes it wasn't the most sensitive joke and I can see why you were a little annoyed inside but that's pretty much where you should have brushed it off, made a romantic comment in return to keep it light and LET IT GO. This level of insecurity is not attractive.


I don’t see a joke when a wife or husband says they would have gone for someone else if they were not already taken. Especially when that someone is in there life to this day and she actually had the f’n never to asked if the guy missed seeing her this past week. Years later after the “JOKE” she is still going with it.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

aine said:


> Please go ahead! The OPs statement was a back-handed insult as pointed out succinctly by @Goldilocks . I would be pissed off if my husband said something like that (why did he settle or something) and then he feels all hurt years later. His wife has not forgotten and hence brings up the OM and did he ask for her etc. Don't play with fire if you cannot stand the heat.



How was this a back handed insult?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Do as you wish about this OP. With her “joke” and asking if the guy missed her I would ask if there was something going on between them. Why in the hell should he be missing your wife?


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

aine said:


> Please go ahead! *The OPs statement was a back-handed insult as pointed out succinctly by @Goldilocks . *I would be pissed off if my husband said something like that (why did he settle or something) and then he feels all hurt years later. His wife has not forgotten and hence brings up the OM and did he ask for her etc. Don't play with fire if you cannot stand the heat.



Truth is you both are speculating....And that's fine, because that's all we can really do here....For all we know, rather than being insulted by it,(as you are suggesting) , she took it as a convenient way to mock, belittle or just eff with his head... no one knows for sure, really...I really don't see the correlation that someone who says another person was great with women all of a sudden interprets into the fact that he thinks she is chopped liver...If you guys see it that way, great, but I don't see it...

But I do reiterate...

I find it amusing that some of the women posting here are finding this to be no big deal or even speculate that it was an underhanded dig or slight at her....I have known women that will carry a dig of a much lower level than what this woman said, and carry that to the grave, taking every opportunity to shove it up that guys ass every chance she got on the way..


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## Cindywife (Nov 5, 2021)

hamadryad said:


> Truth is you both are speculating....And that's fine, because that's all we can really do here....For all we know, rather than being insulted by it,(as you are suggesting) , she took it as a convenient way to mock, belittle or just eff with his head... no one knows for sure, really...I really don't see the correlation that someone who says another person was great with women all of a sudden interprets into the fact that he thinks she is chopped liver...If you guys see it that way, great, but I don't see it...


Right. Maybe she was insulted, maybe she has a crush, maybe she is angry with him about something else. 

Best thing for him to do is to tell her everything he feels and sees what she has to say and move on from there.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

12j43b said:


> I probably should have not shared this information with my wife because *it was a sore subject.*


Tone is very important in conversation. You said you were kind of light heartedly talking; however, your tone may have revealed your disappointment/jealousy.

Since this guy is still in your orbit, he must provide you with something you value. Most wives will try to get along with their husband's friends for the sake of their husband and harmony in the home. I wouldn't put much stock in your wife being attracted to him. Just like men, women can find a person attractive and still not be attracted to them.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

aine said:


> Please go ahead! The OPs statement was a back-handed insult as pointed out succinctly by @Goldilocks . I would be pissed off if my husband said something like that (why did he settle or something) and then he feels all hurt years later. His wife has not forgotten and hence brings up the OM and did he ask for her etc. Don't play with fire if you cannot stand the heat.


Just another example of how many women twists and read into something a male said that was never there to start with. Like i tell my wife....dont ever read **** into what i say....take it for what was said exactly. There are no hidden meanings.

If i say i dont like asparagus, that does not mean i think she is a horrible cook and wished i never married her.....it means i do not like asparagus! But many women hear the latter...i think due to them being wired to speak/think in hidden meanings and inuendos. 

It shows either tge guy should be suspect of his wife....or she is not a safe partner to open up to about his past or present emotional vulnerabilities. So her actions have ensured the male shuts down and puts up a wall. I would be damned if i would ever be emotional vulnerable to my wife who stuck a knife in my ribs and just blowed it off as "just kidding".


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

ABHale said:


> What game was he playing? Talk about reading into something that isn’t there.


Typical behavior.....


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

manfromlamancha said:


> And her asking if _*"he asked about her" - *_WTF?!?!?!


_"Did he ask about me?"_

Yes, that was the capper, that hot candle wax on the sore, sealing in the pain.

So, unnecessary a remark.

The lady is clueless, or just cruel, maybe both.

These are those, oft, _*Martian_ behaviorism's, words and actions.
Knives are ever at the ready to poke into soft skin.
Heh, heh..


*Scorpio or Aries afflicted, being prominent, or Mars ruling, afflicted.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Tone is very important in conversation. You said you were kind of light heartedly talking; however, your tone may have revealed your disappointment/jealousy.
> 
> Since this guy is still in your orbit, he must provide you with something you value. Most wives will try to get along with their husband's friends for the sake of their husband and harmony in the home. I wouldn't put much stock in your wife being attracted to him. Just like men, women can find a person attractive and still not be attracted to them.



Then why did she asked if the guy missed her not being at the function this past week. Why didn’t she ask if any of there other friends missed her? This “joke” was made years ago, so why did she single this one guy out?


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

ABHale said:


> I don’t see a joke when a wife or husband says they would have gone for someone else if they were not already taken. Especially when that someone is in there life to this day and she actually had the f’n never to asked if the guy missed seeing her this past week. Years later after the “JOKE” she is still going with it.


I get what you're saying but I think you're overlooking the implied insult to her in what he said about his friend - basically that his friend got all the girls and he got...her. Depending on his demeanor when he said it, it's a rather demeaning thing to have suggested. I'm not surprised by the way she responded. 

She probably shouldn't have responded the way she did about whether his friend missed her or not years later; I agree that was petty, very unkind, and uncalled for. When you s(&% test your spouse though, they are not going to respond according to script. It can backfire as it did in this case. Now it's a thing, which it really did NOT need to be.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I can light a woman on fire with my words, I do not, have not.
Nor should I...

Nor, should anyone, to any others.

Death comes suddenly to those cannons let loose indiscriminately.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

ABHale said:


> Then why did she asked if the guy missed her being at the function this past week. Why didn’t she ask if any of there other friends missed her? This “joke” was made years ago, so why did she single this one guy out?


I can only speculate because the one friend is the one who pushes her husband's buttons. These events don't happen in a vacuum, as you know.

I am curious as to what men think would be the best response his wife could have come up with when OP made his original statement. Care to share what type of response would have been welcomed by you?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

A man's pride may be his last defense, the full suit of armor keeping a wounded man standing.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Hmm....I was going to post that I thought her comment was ****ty, hut then I saw this post. I hadn't thought of it that way but you're right...his comment could've been taken as HIM settling for what he could get since buddy got the desirable ones.
> 
> OP, when you made the comment about him getting all the girls did you happen to throw in that he didn't get the best one, or something of that nature?
> 
> Maybe you insinuated that you settled since your friend got the girls you REALLY wanted. If that's how I felt I could see making a snarky comment in return.


True, but not many can come up with a (quick) response, such as this, the moment when your feathers are being fluffed, badly.

Anguish, often tightens one throat, the words being blocked.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> I am curious as to what men think would be the best response his wife could have come up with when OP made his original statement. Care to share what type of response would have been welcomed by you?


_"He got all the girls, huh? So what? That's no feat...I know plenty of girls that go with guys that have nothing going for them...You have more discerning tastes and that's what's so great...We found each other and that's all that matters, what some other guy does shouldn't concern you"....((hug/kiss))_


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> I can only speculate because the one friend is the one who pushes her husband's buttons. These events don't happen in a vacuum, as you know.
> 
> I am curious as to what men think would be the best response his wife could have come up with when OP made his original statement. Care to share what type of response would have been welcomed by you?


Here are a couple...

"He may haven't gotten all those girls, but he can't hold a candle to you sweetie OX"

"I don't know about that, but I know this girl got the man she wants OX"


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> I can only speculate because the one friend is the one who pushes her husband's buttons. These events don't happen in a vacuum, as you know.
> 
> I am curious as to what men think would be the best response his wife could have come up with when OP made his original statement. Care to share what type of response would have been welcomed by you?



I would have asked what the f she was talking about. Especially with how our marriage has been the past 10 years. Would have said there’s the door, don’t let it hit you on the way out. 

OP said nothing about this other guy pushing his buttons. We all know girls and guys both from high school that everyone liked. That doesn’t mean you feel like your lacking because of it. I believe most people have talked about their high school days with their SO. My wife and I were in high school together. We both know who had charisma and everyone wanted to date. Heck my wife dated the football captain her junior year for about 2 months. Big deal. 

You are reading a **** test into something that isn’t one.


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## 12j43b (Dec 5, 2021)

Just for a little clarity. When she said it, she saw that it hurt and said sorry for saying that. My friend was married and I don't believe for one second that she thought that I was insulting her. She never said " it was just a joke". She never denied it being true. If it is true, we probably should have an open and honest discussion. That is something that up to this point we have not been able to have.


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## 12j43b (Dec 5, 2021)

We just don't joke around about other people like. I felt like I was showing her a little vulnersbility/insecurity and that didn't work out too well. Hard to open back up after that.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> I can only speculate because the one friend is the one who pushes her husband's buttons. These events don't happen in a vacuum, as you know.
> 
> I am curious as to what men think would be the best response his wife could have come up with when OP made his original statement. Care to share what type of response would have been welcomed by you?


I told my wife about this tthread, i have been in this guys shoes with women in youth choosing my friend or cousin over me and then regretting their choice, but it was made none the less.

She said, "Baby, those women were not worthy of you to begin with. You deserved soo much better than them" That is when i smiled, intertwined my fingers with hers and said, "I know, that is why the Lord gave me you"


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> A man's pride may be his last defense, the full suit of armor keeping a wounded man standing.


Sadly to me, my wife is the only one i completely drop my guard with as i feel she is now the only one i feel totally safe with. If i were in his shoes it would take years if ever to allow myself to be vulnerable to her again.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

12j43b said:


> Just for a little clarity. When she said it, she saw that it hurt and said sorry for saying that. My friend was married and I don't believe for one second that she thought that I was insulting her. She never said " it was just a joke". She never denied it being true. If it is true, we probably should have an open and honest discussion. That is something that up to this point we have not been able to have.


Her careless remarks, which still manage to slip out despite her knowing their effect on you, are like one of those bad farts which just linger on and on, never seeming to dissipate.

Don’t you think she should have the decency to open a window, so to speak?

But no, she just watches you in your discomfort and pretends that all is well.

What kind of dynamic is that? And why?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

ABHale said:


> I would have asked what the f she was talking about. Especially with how our marriage has been the past 10 years. Would have said there’s the door, don’t let it hit you on the way out.
> 
> OP said nothing about this other guy pushing his buttons. We all know girls and guys both from high school that everyone liked. That doesn’t mean you feel like your lacking because of it. I believe most people have talked about their high school days with their SO. My wife and I were in high school together. We both know who had charisma and everyone wanted to date. Heck my wife dated the football captain her junior year for about 2 months. Big deal.
> 
> You are reading a **** test into something that isn’t one.


Thank you for your effort even if it didn't address the question.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

joannacroc said:


> I get what you're saying but I think you're overlooking the implied insult to her in what he said about his friend - basically that his friend got all the girls and he got...her. Depending on his demeanor when he said it, it's a rather demeaning thing to have suggested. I'm not surprised by the way she responded.
> 
> She probably shouldn't have responded the way she did about whether his friend missed her or not years later; I agree that was petty, very unkind, and uncalled for. When you s(&% test your spouse though, they are not going to respond according to script. It can backfire as it did in this case. Now it's a thing, which it really did NOT need to be.


They were talking about their pasts. He was being vulnerable with her by letting her know how he felt rejected by girls by their choice of his buddy when younger. Instead of her lifting her hubby up, she stuck a knife in him where he already had scars from the rejections by other girls when younger.

She just told him she was no different than those other girls and would have chosen the buddy over him if he had been available.

It is a very painful thing for a man to think highly of his wife to find out she may be nothing special after all.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Thank you for your effort even if it didn't address the question.



Then I misunderstood the question then. Or it is actually there. 

We have talked about the guys that seemed to go from one Girl to another. That most the girls wanted to date. Like I said she actually dated one of them for a couple of months. Another is still a friend of ours to this date. My wife never said anything of the sort to me. I have never said anything like that about the girls we knew either. Saying that you would have done something different if another person was available is a ******** response. Anything would have been better. 

But from my take on this is that OP had introduced his wife to his friends. Then years later talking about how those friends were in high school. Her response and then asking if he missed her at the party is a big red flag.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

joannacroc said:


> I get what you're saying but I think you're overlooking the implied insult to her in what he said about his friend - basically that his friend got all the girls and he got...her. Depending on his demeanor when he said it, it's a rather demeaning thing to have suggested. I'm not surprised by the way she responded.
> 
> She probably shouldn't have responded the way she did about whether his friend missed her or not years later; I agree that was petty, very unkind, and uncalled for. When you s(&% test your spouse though, they are not going to respond according to script. It can backfire as it did in this case. Now it's a thing, which it really did NOT need to be.


I disagree. The OP was talking about how _growing up_ this dude got all the girls. OP's wife didn't grow up with them, and met OP much later and after the dude who got all of the girls growing to was married. OP's comment had nothing to do with his wife. 

SHE made it about the attractive dude and herself liking him, too, though. Yep.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Wife could have said, had I known you both back then in high school, I would have chosen YOU and not him. 

That's what I would say to my husband in this same kind of conversation. 

Instead, she chose to verbally join all of the other girls who were gaga about this dude.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

12j43b said:


> Looking for a little advice. Growing up, my friend was the guy that all of the girls liked. When he got married, shortly after, I met my wife. We had been married just under 20 years. One day we were just kind of light hearted talking about the past and growing up and I mentioned that this friend always got the girls. My wife kind of mentioned in humor that it was a good thing that he was married when we met. It hurt much more than I thought. I tried to talk with my wife about it and she wasn't having the discussion. We both know it was true. This friend is still around and it seams like my wife does like him. We have a good relationship; however, since that day, I have noticed that my attitude toward her has changed. Im not nearly as loving. Any advice


If my wife honestly would have married my friend over me if he wasn't married when we met, I would be out.

If she was being silly or humorous, I wouldn't care but I'm nobody's second choice.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> If my wife honestly would have married my friend over me if he wasn't married when we met, I would be out.


Absolutely this.


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## Cindywife (Nov 5, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> I'm nobody's second choice.


Yep. What's the point.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ABHale said:


> Then why did she asked if the guy missed her not being at the function this past week. Why didn’t she ask if any of there other friends missed her? This “joke” was made years ago, so why did she single this one guy out?


because he backhanded insulted her previously but obviously is only attune to his own pain not what he inflicts on others. Please!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Divinely Favored said:


> Just another example of how a woman twists and reads into something a male said that was never there to start with. Like i tell my wife....dont ever read **** into what i say....take it for what was said exactly.
> 
> If i say i dont like asparagus, that does not mean i think she is a horrible cook and wished i never married her.....it means i do not like asparagus! But many women hear the latter...i think due to them being wired to speak/think in hidden meanings and inuendos.
> 
> It shows either tge guy should be suspect of his wife....or she is not a safe partner to open up to about his past or present emotional vulnerabilities. So her actions have ensured the male shuts down and puts up a wall. I would be damned if i would ever be emotional vulnerable to my wife who stuck a knife in my ribs and just blowed it off as "just kidding".


And you know this, how? Through your divine wisdom? We are not talking about liking or disliking asparagus here, and I do not appreciate your demeaning generalization. He said the guy got all the girls (the good ones obviously), what is not insulting about that? So what is she? it was light-hearted banter supposedly. Perhaps his wife took it a lot more to heart than he thought. But it seems he can get all butt hurt but she can't? I could say that he is not a safe partner when he obviously has some sort of chip on his shoulder about some guy (from his exploits years ago) who probably is nothing and means nothing, OP needs to look inside himself at his own insecurities and deal with them.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

hamadryad said:


> _"He got all the girls, huh? So what? That's no feat...I know plenty of girls that go with guys that have nothing going for them...You have more discerning tastes and that's what's so great...We found each other and that's all that matters, what some other guy does shouldn't concern you"....((hug/kiss))_


Yeah sure, stroke his ego, after a back handed insult! **** that! This is what is wrong with all of this. A man can pull that ****, yet its up to his wife to make it right, where is the accountability, why should she have to tell him how wonderful he is (discerning tastes, blah blah blah), some men are just little boys in adult bodies, who need their mommy!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Divinely Favored said:


> They were talking about their pasts. He was being vulnerable with her by letting her know how he felt rejected by girls by their choice of his buddy when younger. Instead of her lifting her hubby up, she stuck a knife in him where he already had scars from the rejections by other girls when younger.
> 
> She just showed him she was no different than those other girls and would have chosen the buddy over him if he had been available.
> 
> It is a very painful thing for a man to think highly of his wife to find out she may be nothing special after all or possibly worse.


Oh please, his wife is not his mommy and not up to her to soothe him about other women's rejections. That is what a therapist is for! 
AND he doesn't think highly of his wife if he is still sore about this guy, other women's rejections, etc. He is showing nothing but disrespect for his wife. he is showing her that she is not good enough, pining for what some other man had. It is downright insulting to her womanhood and as his wife.
If your wife started telling you about wounds caused by other men would you be so understanding? You really do not have a clue.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

aine said:


> Yeah sure, stroke his ego, after a back handed insult! *** that! This is what is wrong with all of this. A man can pull that ***, yet its up to his wife to make it right, where is the accountability, why should she have to tell him how wonderful he is (discerning tastes, blah blah blah), some men are just little boys in adult bodies, who need their mommy!



Sounds like you never had a guy worth enough to value...or were you never valued yourself ? Who knows?

Of course I am just speculating......the same way you are speculating about this "insult" that he so viciously laid upon her....Heck I am surprised she didn't shank this dope, right?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

aine said:


> And you know this, how? Through your divine wisdom? We are not talking about liking or disliking asparagus here, and I do not appreciate your demeaning generalization. He said the guy got all the girls (the good ones obviously), what is not insulting about that? So what is she? it was light-hearted banter supposedly. Perhaps his wife took it a lot more to heart than he thought. But it seems he can get all butt hurt but she can't? I could say that he is not a safe partner when he obviously has some sort of chip on his shoulder about some guy (from his exploits years ago) who probably is nothing and means nothing, OP needs to look inside himself at his own insecurities and deal with them.


Perhaps you missed that OP was talking about this man during the era while they were growing up. The guy got the girls, when they were growing up. Liiiiiiiiike, LONG BEFORE this wife came on the scene. How is that in any way insulting to the wife? He was making a comment about this dude, growing up. The wife wasn't around. She knew neither of them. 

There was a girl in my high school who got all the guys. Without fail. Me relaying that to my partner, about that time-frame long before I met him, has nothing to do with him, nor is it a chip on my shoulder 😃


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

aine said:


> Oh please, his wife is not his mommy and not up to her to soothe him about other women's rejections. That is what a therapist is for!
> AND he doesn't think highly of his wife if he is still sore about this guy, other women's rejections, etc. He is showing nothing but disrespect for his wife. he is showing her that she is not good enough, pining for what some other man had. It is downright insulting to her womanhood and as his wife.
> If your wife started telling you about wounds caused by other men would you be so understanding? You really do not have a clue.


If your wife started telling you about wounds caused by other men would you be so understanding?

Such as her CSA or the 1st marriage to 10 yr serial cheating hubby? Why yes i was very understanding. I did not tell her to suck it up buttercup when she had a panic attact related to her CSA.
Never said she should sooth him....just not be a B.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

aine said:


> And you know this, how? Through your divine wisdom? We are not talking about liking or disliking asparagus here, and I do not appreciate your demeaning generalization. He said the guy got all the girls (the good ones obviously), what is not insulting about that? So what is she? it was light-hearted banter supposedly. Perhaps his wife took it a lot more to heart than he thought. But it seems he can get all butt hurt but she can't? I could say that he is not a safe partner when he obviously has some sort of chip on his shoulder about some guy (from his exploits years ago) who probably is nothing and means nothing, OP needs to look inside himself at his own insecurities and deal with them.


You prove my point 😂 with assuming he meant (all the good ones obviously.) 

Her own words inferred she would have chosen the buddy had he been available, as well as, her other comment and fact he knows she likes buddy.

I doubt he was insecure about her until she stated she would have chosen the buddy had she gotten the chance.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Livvie said:


> Perhaps you missed that OP was talking about this man during the era while they were growing up. The guy got the girls, when they were growing up. Liiiiiiiiike, LONG BEFORE this wife came on the scene. How is that in any way insulting to the wife? He was making a comment about this dude, growing up. The wife wasn't around. She knew neither of them.
> 
> There was a girl in my high school who got all the guys. Without fail. Me relaying that to my partner, about that time-frame long before I met him, has nothing to do with him, nor is it a chip on my shoulder 😃


Does not fit into her agenda....


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Moderator note:

Please refrain from uncalled for nastiness and personal attacks.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

OP's words
_One day we were just kind of *light hearted *talking about the past and growing up and I mentioned that this friend always got the girls. My wife kind of mentioned *in humor* that it was a good thing that he was married when we met. * It hurt much more than I thought.* _

I am amazed at all the selective interpretation of the wife's remark then and now. Then the personal insults about my personal value or any guys I have been with (keep on topic please @hamadryad ! Perhaps you are one of those who resorts to personal insults when you are challenged, nice?). What I see on this forum is a sickening tendency towards misogny and being demeaning. God forbid anyone would see things differently, esp a woman.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Divinely Favored said:


> They were talking about their pasts. He was being vulnerable with her by letting her know how he felt rejected by girls by their choice of his buddy when younger. Instead of her lifting her hubby up, she stuck a knife in him where he already had scars from the rejections by other girls when younger.
> 
> She just showed him she was no different than those other girls and would have chosen the buddy over him if he had been available.
> 
> *It is a very painful thing for a man to think highly of his wife to find out she may be nothing special after all or possibly worse.*



Good God man, who is now speculating and reading into things, unbelievable.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Divinely Favored said:


> Such as her CSA or the 1st marriage to 10 yr serial cheating hubby? Why yes i was. I did not tell her to suck it up buttercup when she had a panic attact related to her CSA.
> Never said she should sooth him....just not be a B.


We are hardly comparing like with like here. A man who got all the girls and CSA are two entirely different levels of emotional fall out. Its a bit like a man who got all the girls and your quip on cooking asparagus. Your choices for analysis are incredibly poor and show are absolute lack of insight.

With that said, I am bowing out of this. I hope OP doesn't listen to much of what is posted here about his wife, who is being painted as all sorts of things, using @hamadryad's words I hope OP doesn't " should shank the dope"


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

aine said:


> AND he doesn't think highly of his wife if he is still sore about this guy, other women's rejections, etc. He is showing nothing but disrespect for his wife. he is showing her that she is not good enough, pining for what some other man had. It is downright insulting to her womanhood and as his wife.
> If your wife started telling you about wounds caused by other men would you be so understanding? You really do not have a clue.


It has been pointed out many times and you still maintain this argument. OP's wife did not know them when the friend "got all the girls". How is he disrespecting her? She definitely disrespected him with that needless comment, and then asking if the friend missed her. 

OP would be wise to keep an eye on the "friend". Guys like that often don't care if they **** a friend's wife....they've grown accustomed to getting any woman they want and feel entitled.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

aine said:


> because he backhanded insulted her previously but obviously is only attune to his own pain not what he inflicts on others. Please!


When did he backhanded insult her? If you are referring to the conversation years ago, how is that an insult? Also, how does that relate to her asking if the other guy missed her last week? Do women really hold a grudge for that long? I still don’t believe a conversation about people we went to high school with is a insult to our wives.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

ABHale said:


> When did he backhanded insult her? If you are referring to the conversation years ago, how is that an insult? Also, how does that relate to what her asking if the other guy miss her last week? Do women really hold a grudge for that long? I still don’t believe a conversation about people we went to high school with is a insult to our wives.


She was being cute with the first conversation. I get that.
But to ask if her husband met up with him at an event years later, her lust has been festering in her heart all those years.
Which means that she hasn't been into her husband for all those years.
That really hurts, imo.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

aine said:


> OP's words
> _One day we were just kind of *light hearted *talking about the past and growing up and I mentioned that this friend always got the girls. My wife kind of mentioned *in humor* that it was a good thing that he was married when we met. * It hurt much more than I thought.* _
> 
> I am amazed at all the selective interpretation of the wife's remark then and now. Then the personal insults about my personal value or any guys I have been with (keep on topic please @hamadryad ! Perhaps you are one of those who resorts to personal insults when you are challenged, nice?). What I see on this forum is a sickening tendency towards misogny and being demeaning. God forbid anyone would see things differently, esp a woman.


What are you talking about??? She never slept with this friend that they are talking about. Unless OP doesn’t know about it. Or maybe she cheated on OP with this guy and he insulted her with that commit. Where did you get that this friend was once her boyfriend or lover?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

jonty30 said:


> She was being cute with the first conversation. I get that.
> But to ask if her husband met up with him at an event years later, her lust has been festering in her heart all those years.
> Which means that she hasn't been into her husband for all those years.
> That really hurts, imo.


I agree with that. This is a question for Aine, she is saying that OP’s wife hooked up with this friend I think. Just trying to figure out how OP saying that the friend was a manhoe in high school is a personal insult to his wife.


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## 12j43b (Dec 5, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> She was being cute with the first conversation. I get that.
> But to ask if her husband met up with him at an event years later, her lust has been festering in her heart all those years.
> Which means that she hasn't been into her husband for all those years.
> That really hurts, imo.


Do you think it is a posibillity that she loves me, but has maybe a crush on him? She acts like she loves me. Is it possible that I am too sensitive now to any comment or gesture made in respect to this friend? In our relationship, there was never a time when I was a little jealous up to this point.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

ABHale said:


> I agree with that. *This is a question for Aine, she is saying that OP’s wife hooked up with this friend I think. *Just trying to figure out how OP saying that the friend was a manhoe in high school is a personal insult to his wife.


No, she isn't. Don't see where you got that.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

12j43b said:


> Do you think it is a posibillity that she loves me, but has maybe a crush on him? She acts like she loves me. Is it possible that I am too sensitive now to any comment or gesture made in respect to this friend? In our relationship, there was never a time when I was a little jealous up to this point.


She probably has a crush on him. There are some guys and gals that have that ability to flutter the hearts of people. 
I fully expect my wife to, on occasion, get caught up in an attraction. However, I also fully expect to brakes on that attraction when she realizes what she is doing. 
We are human.
Your wife made the bigger mistake when she asked if you saw him, years later after meeting him for the first time. 
She really should not have been curious on that. 
I would never make it known to my wife that I developed a crush on somebody. She might get a hint, through my body language because I wear my heart on my sleeve.
However I would not engage with that person for no reason.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

12j43b said:


> Do you think it is a posibillity that she loves me, but has maybe a crush on him? She acts like she loves me. Is it possible that I am too sensitive now to any comment or gesture made in respect to this friend? In our relationship, there was never a time when I was a little jealous up to this point.


How long ago was the initial conversation about friend getting all the girls? 

You say your wife did apologize when she realized her words hurt you. It sounds like she didn't realize the tone of the conversation went from light hearted to somber on your part.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

12j43b said:


> Do you think it is a posibillity that she loves me, but has maybe a crush on him? She acts like she loves me. Is it possible that I am too sensitive now to any comment or gesture made in respect to this friend? In our relationship, there was never a time when I was a little jealous up to this point.


Your gut is trying to tell you something.

The gut is rarely wrong.

Listen to it.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> No, she isn't. Don't see where you got that.


I think the mindset was in the context of the only way he was giving her this so called "backhanded insult" is if she had already screwed the buddy in the past, unknown to OP, and OP was dissing all the girls that were all hot and bothered by the buddy as groupies/low quality so to speak.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

aine said:


> Yeah sure, stroke his ego, after a back handed insult! *** that! This is what is wrong with all of this. A man can pull that ***, yet its up to his wife to make it right, where is the accountability, why should she have to tell him how wonderful he is (discerning tastes, blah blah blah), some men are just little boys in adult bodies, who need their mommy!


What are you talking about? Talk about taking a stretch to argue the point that you believe men are a plague.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Divinely Favored said:


> I think the mindset was in the context of the only way he was giving her this so called "backhanded insult" is if she had already screwed the buddy in the past, unknown to OP, and OP was dissing all the girls that were all hot and bothered by the buddy as groupies/low quality so to speak.


We're going to need a playbook.


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## 12j43b (Dec 5, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> She probably has a crush on him. There are some guys and gals that have that ability to flutter the hearts of people.
> I fully expect my wife to, on occasion, get caught up in an attraction. However, I also fully expect to brakes on that attraction when she realizes what she is doing.
> We are human.
> Your wife made the bigger mistake when she asked if you saw him, years later after meeting him for the first time.
> ...


I truly believe she is not trying to be mean or get at me in any way. I just dont think she knows how deeply wounded I was with the first comment. I have been avoiding this conversation with her, but I know that I won't be able to move on and be a good husband until we have a heart to heart. Any ideas out there how I should approach it without more hurt feeling on either part?


Blondilocks said:


> How long ago was the initial conversation about friend getting all the girls?
> 
> You say your wife did apologize when she realized her words hurt you. It sounds like she didn't realize the tone of the conversation went from light hearted to somber on your part.


It was about 3 years ago. You are 100% correct, she obviously could see the instant hurt.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

aine said:


> We are hardly comparing like with like here. A man who got all the girls and CSA are two entirely different levels of emotional fall out. Its a bit like a man who got all the girls and your quip on cooking asparagus. Your choices for analysis are incredibly poor and show are absolute lack of insight.
> 
> With that said, I am bowing out of this. I hope OP doesn't listen to much of what is posted here about his wife, who is being painted as all sorts of things, using @hamadryad's words I hope OP doesn't " should shank the dope"



Yet,it is you who has been ranting and raving the most on this thread, calling the guys "little boys who need their mommy"..with every response almost unintelligible due the the auto moderated content(****) Most posters just disagreed... You seem to be taking some personal stake in this or something...

Pot meet kettle....

I stated several times that my opinion is merely _speculation_... And I'll continue to contend that whatever the case, you don't say something like that to someone you value....It's not funny... Heck, even if a partner made a comment that in some way could be misinterpreted as an insult, then the proper response isn't to cut the person down...


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> No, she isn't. Don't see where you got that.


She said that OP talking about his friend and how things were in high school was a backhanded insult to his wife.

“I am amazed at all the selective interpretation of the wife's remark then and now. Then the personal insults about my personal value or any guys I have been with”

This is what aine said. So yes she did imply it.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> How long ago was the initial conversation about friend getting all the girls?
> 
> You say your wife did apologize when she realized her words hurt you. It sounds like she didn't realize the tone of the conversation went from light hearted to somber on your part.


The comment she made was not a comment a spouse should make. That is when it turned somber im sure. And then to later ask if buddy ask about her!.....

If the rolls were reversed with a woman the wife had been jealius of in her younger years and he said, "Yeah, If i had not been married to you, i'd would of hit that"


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

ABHale said:


> She said that OP talking about his friend and how things were in high school was a backhanded insult to his wife.
> 
> “I am amazed at all the selective interpretation of the wife's remark then and now. Then the personal insults about my personal value or any guys I have been with”
> 
> This is what aine said. So yes she did imply it.


Aine was referring to the comment about her being so anti male and that she must not have met any decent men to be so jaded. Aine was not speaking of OPs wife.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

12j43b said:


> I truly believe she is not trying to be mean or get at me in any way. I just dont think she knows how deeply wounded I was with the first comment. I have been avoiding this conversation with her, but I know that I won't be able to move on and be a good husband until we have a heart to heart. Any ideas out there how I should approach it without more hurt feeling on either part?
> 
> 
> It was about 3 years ago. You are 100% correct, she obviously could see the instant hurt.


Why would your friend miss your wife?

Why would she even ask the question?

The only thing I can think of is that they have a relationship outside of your friendship with him. The remark from 3 yrs ago is telling, she either had a crush or really liked him and was telling the truth. There are many that speak before they think. Her asking years later if he missed her being there is trouble because there is no reason he should have missed your wife unless they have a relationship at some level. Do they talk or text often?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Divinely Favored said:


> Aine was referring to the comment about her being so anti male and that she must not have met any decent men to be so jaded. Aine was not speaking of OPs wife.


Maybe not, but she is implying the insult to his wife. She is implying that she was one of the girls he could of had before her commit was made about him being taken already. I think that is the backhanded Insult she is trying to establish.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> We're going to need a playbook.


Who's on 1st? What's on 2nd. Clear as mud?😁


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

ABHale said:


> She said that OP talking about his friend and how things were in high school was a backhanded insult to his wife.
> 
> “I am amazed at all the selective interpretation of the wife's remark then and now. *Then the personal insults about my personal value or any guys I have been with”*
> 
> This is what aine said. So yes she did imply it.


This was in response to another member's comment to Aine about Aine.



12j43b said:


> Any ideas out there how I should approach it without more hurt feeling on either part?


Tell her you would like to have a serious conversation to get something off your chest. Take responsibility for taking the aforementioned light hearted convo in a different direction. Then lay it out how you have always felt less than (if that is indeed how you feel) in regard to friend because of him being a chick magnet when in high school. How you are feeling now about quips that make you question her attraction to you and her devotion to you. Flat out tell her that friend is a sore subject for you.

I know you have your pride; but, dang, if I had a friend who affected my sense of self-worth that person would be out of my orbit. There is no shame in jettisoning someone from your circle of friends to protect yourself. The guy may be a peach and all that razzmatazz and may not be deserving of being cut out; but, that's life. Sometimes, you can't help the way you feel. Get rid of the trigger.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

12j43b said:


> it was a good thing that he was married when we met. It hurt much more than I thought.
> 
> it has been several years and I havent gotten over it.


Nor will you ever get over it. This has a long-established history in your mind. Your wife's comments took the hurtful path, widened it by bringing what was once an impersonal self-judgement into your sphere of family. Your wife would have preferred him over you. Fact. Unchangeable.



ABHale said:


> I think that is the backhanded Insult she is trying to establish.


I agree that it is insulting. And, very much like making jokes and fun on someone who is handicapped. Reprehensible and self-aggrandizing.


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## Cindywife (Nov 5, 2021)

12j43b said:


> I truly believe she is not trying to be mean or get at me in any way. I just dont think she knows how deeply wounded I was with the first comment.  I have been avoiding this conversation with her, but I know that I won't be able to move on and be a good husband until we have a heart to heart. Any ideas out there how I should approach it without more hurt feeling on either part?
> 
> 
> It was about 3 years ago. You are 100% correct, she obviously could see the instant hurt.


You've been bouncing this around in your head for 3 years? That's a really long time. You need to talk to her today about this issue. Speak simply and from the heart.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Cindywife said:


> You've been bouncing this around in your head for 3 years? That's a really long time. You need to talk to her today about this issue. Speak simply and from the heart.


This is not true. The commit about if the friend wasn’t already taken was 3 years ago. Her asking if the friend missed her when she wasn’t at the gathering was last week. That is what brought all of this back.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> This was in response to another member's comment to Aine about Aine.
> 
> 
> Tell her you would like to have a serious conversation to get something off your chest. Take responsibility for taking the aforementioned light hearted convo in a different direction. Then lay it out how you have always felt less than (if that is indeed how you feel) in regard to friend because of him being a chick magnet when in high school. How you are feeling now about quips that make you question her attraction to you and her devotion to you. Flat out tell her that friend is a sore subject for you.
> ...


She is implying this insult to OP. How else could it be a backhanded insult to OP’s wife?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

12j43b said:


> I truly believe she is not trying to be mean or get at me in any way. I just dont think she knows how deeply wounded I was with the first comment. I have been avoiding this conversation with her, but I know that I won't be able to move on and be a good husband until we have a heart to heart. Any ideas out there how I should approach it without more hurt feeling on either part?
> 
> 
> It was about 3 years ago. You are 100% correct, she obviously could see the instant hurt.


It does sound like she did/does have a crush on this guy. The first comment she made 3 years ago sounds like she made a bad joke, but it may have come from an innocent place with a tinge of a crush on him. As others have said, I would be more concerned with the more recent event where she wanted to know if he asked about her. Implying she is hoping he missed her. Do you have any idea why she said that? I mean why wouldn't she have asked if the friends wife asked where she was, not the guy. Seems really weird to me. 

Do they ever talk one on one via text, phone, etc.? If they do, will your wife let you see that communication without resistance? If she won't allow it you should be concerned. If you are unaware of any communication between them then I would at least do a cursory review of your phone bill to see if they are texting and you just didn't know.

Once you are reasonably confident that there isn't any infidelity you need to have a heart to heart talk with her. Start by telling her that she just needs to listen for a little while you explain your feelings to her. Let her know that her comment about him years ago really hurt more than you realized. You can be open. Tell her that maybe it is a weak ego or some insecurity you didn't know you had and right or wrong it hurt and it is how you feel. Let her know you pretty much forgot about it, but her wondering about him missing her triggered that feeling in you again and you need to discuss it with her. Probe her about why she asked that question. Let her know she is the woman you loved then, now, always and you would choose her all over again and let her know that you hope it is the same way for her. I would ask point blank if she feels like she settled by marrying you and if she has any feelings for your friend. If you don't get a real warm and fuzzy feeling from her answer you may need to make some tough decisions. You may need to cut ties with this friend. If you don't come away with confidence that it was all just a bad joke and you are her one and only you are likely to experience this trigger ever time you interact with him in the future. I would hope that she would see that what she said those years ago is what has caused this pain you are experiencing and she would be willing to help you get over it, at least with some kind words.

How do you think she would react to a conversation like that? Also, not sure if you mentioned it, do you have children?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

12j43b said:


> Do you think it is a posibillity that she loves me, but has maybe a crush on him? She acts like she loves me. Is it possible that I am too sensitive now to any comment or gesture made in respect to this friend? In our relationship, there was never a time when I was a little jealous up to this point.


Yes, maybe possible. But the "crush" seems pretty low level, like at the "admiration" stage. I mean from your posting seems she has mentioned him twice. Once few years ago and then recently after asking if he missed her absence. Is this "friend" still what women would think is a "hunk"? Mr muscles, gym rat whatever? Have you let your attractiveness wane? How often does wife see this guy? Do you hang around with him with/without the wife on regular basis?

Guessing your ages mid-forties from the timeline. About when lot of spouses have become bored with same old thing all the time and begin casting a longing eye at what is on the buffet.

Your saying she "acts" like she loves you indicates insecurity so jealously is understandable. But IF she is attracted to this guy (or any other guy) there isn't anything you can do about it. If a woman gets weak knees when sees "The Rock", that is just part of life.

Assume at some point you had a discussion about having *zero *tolerance for any infidelity ether emotional or physical. If not, the two of you need to have that conversation. Quit stressing about this and just keep your eyes and ears open. Find some things you enjoy doing and devote your energies to those. The less needy and insecure you are the better off you will be. Realize that you are no woman's "plan B".

Just read the posts on here by females and you know that insecurity, jealousy, and needy are not good looks.


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## 12j43b (Dec 5, 2021)

I know, how do


Rus47 said:


> Yes, maybe possible. But the "crush" seems pretty low level, like at the "admiration" stage. I mean from your posting seems she has mentioned him twice. Once few years ago and then recently after asking if he missed her absence. Is this "friend" still what women would think is a "hunk"? Mr muscles, gym rat whatever? Have you let your attractiveness wane? How often does wife see this guy? Do you hang around with him with/without the wife on regular basis?
> 
> Guessing your ages mid-forties from the timeline. About when lot of spouses have become bored with same old thing all the time and begin casting a longing eye at what is on the buffet.
> 
> ...


This guy is around quite a bit.
I know, I do not want to look like an insecure loser infront of my wife. I just dont want to continue to live with it and have it hurt our marriage more. On the bright side, when she made that initial comment, I hit the gym and weights hard, lost 30lbs, and have been in the best shape of my life!


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

None of this explains why she asked if the guy missed her. This is the real issue. It’s not being insecure to ask your wife why he would have a reason to miss her, unless you have a open relationship and the guy is her F buddy. Then he could have a reason if they haven’t been together for a while.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

12j43b said:


> I know, how do
> 
> I know, I do not want to look like an insecure loser infront of your wife. I just dont want to continue to live with it and have it hurt our marriage more. On the bright side, when she made that initial comment, I hit the gym and weights hard, lost 30lbs, and have been in the best shape of my life!


Great! So if she notices other woman looking you over SHE may get jealous, and you will know it. Never mention this guy to her again. See if SHE brings him up. If she does, respond as little as possible. Man up and live with it. Having a discussion about him with her will serve no purpose. 

IMO this guy is someone you need to distance. 

Keep up your fitness, confidence. Best way to keep her attracted


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

12j43b said:


> This guy is around quite a bit.
> I know, I do not want to look like an insecure loser infront of my wife. I just dont want to continue to live with it and have it hurt our marriage more. On the bright side, when she made that initial comment, I hit the gym and weights hard, lost 30lbs, and have been in the best shape of my life!


You can have this conversation with her without looking weak, even if you expose some insecurity. We all are insecure about something to some degree. You can tell her you need to talk about it for the health of your marriage. I don't see how she could fault you for that.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ABHale said:


> What are you talking about??? She never slept with this friend that they are talking about. Unless OP doesn’t know about it. Or maybe she cheated on OP with this guy and he insulted her with that commit. Where did you get that this friend was once her boyfriend or lover?


AB Hale, what are YOU talking about. Where have I written that she slept with the friend ow was her Bf???


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ABHale said:


> I agree with that. This is a question for Aine, she is saying that OP’s wife hooked up with this friend I think. Just trying to figure out how OP saying that the friend was a manhoe in high school is a personal insult to his wife.


Wtf! I didn’t say any such thing, you can’t read is it?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

12j43b said:


> Do you think it is a posibillity that she loves me, but has maybe a crush on him? She acts like she loves me. Is it possible that I am too sensitive now to any comment or gesture made in respect to this friend? In our relationship, there was never a time when I was a little jealous up to this point.


Yes, you are making a mountain out of a molehill and if you listen to all the testosterone driven ****e spouting forth here, you will damage what appears to be a good marriage. Yes I get the **** blocking but apart from that quip has she ever given you any reason to doubt her love and faithfulness?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

aine said:


> Yes, you are making a mountain out of a molehill and if you listen to all the testosterone driven **e spouting forth here, you will damage what appears to be a good marriage. Yes I get the ** blocking but apart from that quip has she ever given you any reason to doubt her love and faithfulness?


He said his friend was around a lot, so a PA was not out of the question in this situation. 

The friend should not be allowed to come around any more.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

12j43b said:


> Do you think it is a posibillity that she loves me, but has maybe a crush on him? She acts like she loves me. Is it possible that I am too sensitive now to any comment or gesture made in respect to this friend? In our relationship, there was never a time when I was a little jealous up to this point.


Don't be insecure or overly sensitive.

Do be confident and comfortable to talk to while you let her know her statement got to you.

I've only felt a little insecure once in my 30+ year relationship with Mrs. C. She had a male friend at the YMCA that I started feeling insecure about 

I had a talk with my wife and expressed that she didn't do anything wrong and I trusted her but I just couldn't help feeling insecure about her friendship.

She appreciated my honesty and vulnerability and slowed the roll with that friend even though it was above board.

If your wife has never given you a reason to doubt her love, don't start now.

You do need to be honest about how you feel because it's getting to you even if she is totally above board and not saying anything to make you feel bad on purpose.

Be confident in her love until she gives you reason not to. So far, it doesn't really sound like she has though she could have worded her responses better and maybe she should talk with you through this.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

aine said:


> AB Hale, what are YOU talking about. Where have I written that she slept with the friend ow was her Bf???


How else would it be a backhanded insult to his wife if she didn’t sleep with him?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

aine said:


> Yes, you are making a mountain out of a molehill and if you listen to all the testosterone driven **e spouting forth here, you will damage what appears to be a good marriage. Yes I get the ** blocking but apart from that quip has she ever given you any reason to doubt her love and faithfulness?


If you are so sure about this then answer one question. Why, out of all the friends that OP met up with the other night, did she single this one guy out and ask if he missed her not being there?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

ABHale said:


> How else would it be a backhanded insult to his wife if she didn’t sleep with him?


I think the idea is that OP was lamenting how the friend got all the girls, but he was only good enough to get his wife. Meaning she is lower quality somehow. None of us were there to know the tone of what was said, but I do think it would be a stretch to interpret his comment that way. Her comment on the other hand could only be interpreted one way, even if said in a joking manner. 



ABHale said:


> If you are so sure about this then answer one question. Why, out of all the friends that OP met up with the other night, did she single this one guy out and ask if he missed her not being there?


Now that is the real problem, if any, here IMO. He was out with a large group of friends, presumably this other guy's wife too, and OP's wife specifically asks if he missed her. Why single him out? Even without her previous comment it seems like this would raise some eyebrows. If I went out solo with a couple we are friends with, let's say Jack and Diane, I came home and my wife asked if Jack asked about where she was, I would think huh?? I would expect her to ask if Diane missed her. From my long distance view she seems to have an unhealthy interest in him and I can understand why the OP is feeling the way he is. This is why he should have a discussion with her about it.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

You definitely need to have the conversation with your wife.

In particular, it seems awful to me that she would ask if he mentioned her. I just can't wrap my head around that. That seems like an extremely disrespectful thing to do to your husband. Why, why would she do that? You need to get to the bottom of it.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

12j43b said:


> Looking for a little advice. Growing up, my friend was the guy that all of the girls liked. When he got married, shortly after, I met my wife. We had been married just under 20 years. One day we were just kind of light hearted talking about the past and growing up and I mentioned that this friend always got the girls. My wife kind of mentioned in humor that it was a good thing that he was married when we met. It hurt much more than I thought. I tried to talk with my wife about it and she wasn't having the discussion. We both know it was true. This friend is still around and it seams like my wife does like him. We have a good relationship; however, since that day, I have noticed that my attitude toward her has changed. Im not nearly as loving. Any advice


Ditch the friend, read gottman' how mariage works, discuss with wife how it hurt you with ifeel, I felt, ask for apologies and make amends so much that you forget about it.
If she don't tell her to hit the road, so what if you have kids and may pay her assets.
She don't respect you and never has. Disrespect you what If she said the in front of boss, kids, your or her mom or dad. 
Get out dude. Everything you "f" you will see her face and never forget that comment.
In time over this she will divorce you. Strike first. No mercy.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ABHale said:


> If you are so sure about this then answer one question. Why, out of all the friends that OP met up with the other night, did she single this one guy out and ask if he missed her not being there?


We are all speculating. There seems to be an ongoing standing joke about this guy, but OP would have to confirm.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

aine said:


> We are all speculating. There seems to be an ongoing standing joke about this guy, but OP would have to confirm.


WTF?!?!?!

If it was a standing joke OP wouldn’t be here at the moment. Yes, YOU are definitely speculating about everything in this thread.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Galabar01 said:


> You definitely need to have the conversation with your wife.
> 
> In particular, it seems awful to me that she would ask if he mentioned her. I just can't wrap my head around that. That seems like an extremely disrespectful thing to do to your husband. *Why, why would she do that? * You need to get to the bottom of it.


Could this have anything to do with it?


12j43b said:


> We have a good relationship; however, since that day, I have noticed that my attitude toward her has changed. Im not nearly as loving. Any advice


It has been 3 years. I guarantee you his wife has noticed the change in behavior. She unwittingly made a hurtful comment and apologized when she realized he was hurt. After being punished for 3 years, is it any wonder that she isn't all sugar & spice and everything nice?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Everything I have posted has been taken from what OP has said.
About 3 years ago they were talking about PEOPLE he went to high school with. He told his wife about this friend and they fact that most of the girls wanted to date him. His wife makes the “joke” that it was a good thing that the guy was taken when they met.

Then last week she asked, when she didn’t go out with OP and friends, if this other guy asked about or missed her not being there.

OP has said nothing about a continuing dialogue for the past 3 years about this guy.

Talk about filling in so some on this thread can call the OP a insecure, self centered man boy that needs his mommy.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Could this have anything to do with it?
> 
> 
> It has been 3 years. I guarantee you his wife has noticed the change in behavior. She unwittingly made a hurtful comment and apologized when she realized he was hurt. After being punished for 3 years, is it any wonder that she isn't all sugar & spice and everything nice?


Here is the rest of that part of the post.

My wife kind of mentioned in humor that it was a good thing that he was married when we met. It hurt much more than I thought. I tried to talk with my wife about it and she wasn't having the discussion. We both know it was true. This friend is still around and it seams like my wife does like him. We have a good relationship; however, since that day, I have noticed that my attitude toward her has changed. Im not nearly as loving. Any advice

He tried talking to her about what she said and SHE shut it down. She is the reason this is a problem still. She is the one that didn’t want to talk it over. Wonder why that is? Then 3 years later she is asking if this guy missed her being at the gathering of friends. Another question unanswered.

Almost like she has been having an affair with this other guy for the past 10 to 20 years.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

ABHale said:


> Here is the rest of that part of the post.
> 
> My wife kind of mentioned in humor that it was a good thing that he was married when we met. It hurt much more than I thought. I tried to talk with my wife about it and she wasn't having the discussion. We both know it was true. This friend is still around and it seams like my wife does like him. We have a good relationship; however, since that day, I have noticed that my attitude toward her has changed. Im not nearly as loving. Any advice
> 
> ...


The three year later question is strange. 
Some of us have friends who are Hollywood level charmers, but how often do our spouses out of the blue, if they have not been interacting with them ask about them?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I believe it would change any man’s feelings towards his wife knowing or believing she likes another man. She could have talked about this 3 years ago instead of shutting the conversation down.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

One bit of advice OP, read No More Mr Nice Guy.


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## 12j43b (Dec 5, 2021)

You are right, if we were able to work together thru this 3 years ago, it would have built an even better relationship. Even though I dont want to, we need to have this conversation. If you are not able to be vulnerable with your spouse, that is a problem. I am not the jealous type and she knows that. So, maybe she won't think less of me for my insecurity on this one thing?


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## LeslieD125 (Jan 1, 2021)

12j43b said:


> however, since that day, I have noticed that my attitude toward her has changed. I'm not nearly as loving. Any advice


I know it's hard to do this but forgive her. Not for her sake, but for yours. It will eat at your heart until it kills your relationship. It will affect your communication, intimacy, and the overall quality of your relationship.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

12j43b said:


> You are right, if we were able to work together thru this 3 years ago, it would have built an even better relationship. Even though I dont want to, we need to have this conversation. If you are not able to be vulnerable with your spouse, that is a problem. I am not the jealous type and she knows that. So, maybe she won't think less of me for my insecurity on this one thing?


It isn’t being insecure when your wife isn’t being honest with you. 

Read No More Mr Nice Guy before your talk. 

See if you can look on her phone for any conversation between your friend and her. 

Check her FB or out social media for anything. 

There are way to many threads on here where the wife or husband is cheating with a family friend.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

LeslieD125 said:


> I know it's hard to do this but forgive her. Not for her sake, but for yours. It will eat at your heart until it kills your relationship. It will affect your communication, intimacy, and the overall quality of your relationship.


What if she is having an on going affair with this guy? Is your advice still the same. Should he just stick his head in the sand and pretend everything is great?

There is no forgiveness until what needs to be forgiven is known. That can’t happen until his wife is honest with him about what is going on.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

ABHale said:


> Here is the rest of that part of the post.
> 
> My wife kind of mentioned in humor that it was a good thing that he was married when we met. It hurt much more than I thought. I tried to talk with my wife about it and she wasn't having the discussion. We both know it was true. This friend is still around and it seams like my wife does like him. We have a good relationship; however, since that day, I have noticed that my attitude toward her has changed. Im not nearly as loving. Any advice
> 
> ...


If you keep up this hyperbole, I'm gonna have to put you on ignore. Don't you have to take off your shirt and look in the mirror or something?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> If you keep up this hyperbole, I'm gonna have to put you on ignore. Don't you have to take off your shirt and look in the mirror or something?


So you can say anything you like that doesn’t go with what OP has posted? Why, because your a female? 

You cherry pick parts of what OP posted to make YOUR point. You leave out the main portion of what OP was saying because it shows your point of view is entirely out of context with what was said by OP. 

You sound like a politician, only using parts of what someone says and then preaching hell and damnation on them.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I wonder if bff would think what I posted was hyperbole?🤔 wasn’t it his best friend that was f’n his wife/ex wife.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

12j43b said:


> You are right, if we were able to work together thru this 3 years ago, it would have built an even better relationship. Even though I dont want to, we need to have this conversation. If you are not able to be vulnerable with your spouse, that is a problem. I am not the jealous type and she knows that. So, maybe she won't think less of me for my insecurity on this one thing?


Stop second guessing this. It is something that is bothering you, has been for 3 years. You should talk to your wife about it. If you can't have an open and honest conversation about something that has been eating at you this long what does that say about your marriage? As you said, if you can't be vulnerable with your spouse there is a problem.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I have a feeling there is more to this. I wonder if his wife’s interactions with the friend have been flirtatious at the parties they have been to. There is a reason OP said that he knows she likes the friend.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

ABHale said:


> I have a feeling there is more to this.


Me, too. That's why I think your wife shut down the conversation for 3 years. She's hiding something that she understands will affect her security if you find out.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

12j43b said:


> You are right, if we were able to work together thru this 3 years ago, it would have built an even better relationship. Even though I dont want to, we need to have this conversation. If you are not able to be vulnerable with your spouse, that is a problem. I am not the jealous type and she knows that. So, maybe she won't think less of me for my insecurity on this one thing?


Late to the circus in commenting to this, however...........
Your wife could have shut this down three years ago with a sentence or two of affirming her dedication to you. It would have cost her nothing,
However, you didn't call her on it at the time (in any manner appropriate or inappropriate) and let it fester for three years.
I'd say you need to have the talk. I'd say that you need to have a laundry list of questions ready to go.
It probably needs to be one of those 60 Grit conversations. Much needs to be said.
In the words of Ricky Ricardo, she's ".....got some splainin' to do." in some regards.
She could have been merely "Yanking your chain," and she thought she was joking, or else there may be something nefarious going on.
Either way, you don't know, until you fully do the work to find out (and the convo is only one part of it.)
Regardless, it is taking up real estate in your head and is consuming you.
It is beyond time. Deal with it now.


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## LeslieD125 (Jan 1, 2021)

ABHale said:


> What if she is having an on going affair with this guy? Is your advice still the same. Should he just stick his head in the sand and pretend everything is great?
> 
> There is no forgiveness until what needs to be forgiven is known. That can’t happen until his wife is honest with him about what is going on.


Forgiveness isn't justification or reconciliation. You don't have to pretend that nothing has happened if you forgive. Nor is it justifying what the other person has done to you. When someone wrongs you, they owe you something. Forgiveness is canceling that debt. There are still consequences to the actions. Trust is broken, maybe the relationship isn't reconcilable, but you can still forgive. So, yes my advice is still the same.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

LeslieD125 said:


> Forgiveness isn't justification or reconciliation. You don't have to pretend that nothing has happened if you forgive. Nor is it justifying what the other person has done to you. When someone wrongs you, they owe you something. Forgiveness is canceling that debt. There are still consequences to the actions. Trust is broken, maybe the relationship isn't reconcilable, but you can still forgive. So, yes my advice is still the same.


We will just disagree with this. OP needs to know what he is forgiving before he can forgive.


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