# Have i lost my wife?



## FeelingLost84

Hey all,

I am looking for advice and maybe support.

I posted this message in the anxiety/depression forums because it seemed most fitting for what caused my problems.
What keeps coming up however is the OM issue. Therefore I thought it best I re-post the message here.
I am aware it appears naive, but I do still believe my wife has not yet had sexual contact with the OM.

I moved from Europe to the U.S. to marry my American wife in October of 2011 (after many lengthy vacations together since 2008). I entered the country on a Fiance Visa and around Thanksgiving 2012, after a very slow and lengthy process, have finally received my green card (and work authorization).

At that time I tried obtaining a job but that process too was slow and unrewarding. I fell into a state of mild depression and home sickness, I mostly ended up behind the computer or tv.
I realized what was happening but had a lot of trouble resolving the issue. I came to my wife several times asking for help, but I was unclear about what I was asking help with.

In doing so I was hurting my wife and a few weeks back she came to me letting me know I had broken her heart.
She expected more from me than I had done and told me I needed to either get my act together or prepare for divorce.
This was a major wake-up call and I have done a complete 180.
I have since taken over 100% of the housework and started applying to vacancies. This time without discrimination applying to everything that is available (This payed off and I finally have an interview scheduled next Tuesday).

However the harder I've been trying to work on this, the further she withdraws from me.
She is also seeing another man (who lives with a girlfriend of his own). She claimed to have no feelings for him and had told him she would not go see him again. However she did not break off contact completely. Instead she continued to talk to him over the phone and internet. Last Valentine's day she was upset and said she needed some time alone to go read a book in a local park. I found out however she went to go see him again.
After this she fell ill and I have been taking care of her as I have always done in the past. Yesterday, when she was supposed to return to work, she told me she didn't feel well enough to go to work so I told her to call out sick. A few hours later she told me she was going to see the other man again (4th time).

Up to this point I do not believe they have had physical relations, however I still feel she is cheating on me.
I continue to work hard on fixing our marriage, however she just continues to shut me out more and more.
This is an issue she knows she has.
When something hurts, or has hurt her she shuts it out completely until enough time has passed for her to distance herself from the pain.

Just 2 weeks ago she was willing to fight for our marriage and willing to move to Europe with me if things didn't work out here.
She admits I have been doing everything she asked for and more since the day she told me I had broken her heart.
Yet she is emotionally withdrawing from me more almost every day (there are some better days, but not many).

She is willing to try some things with me, including marriage counselling. But she continues to remind me that her heart is no longer in it. She also tells me she will not stop seeing this other man.

Thank you for reading through my ramblings.

I would greatly appreciate any opinion or advice any of you would be able to give me.


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## Numb-badger

She IS cheating on you (EA if not PA) and will absolutely not be available for you emotionally until she breaks it off with this other guy.
You are about to get the, 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' speech. Read up the 180 on the forums here, order a No Contact (NC) with the other guy.


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## FeelingLost84

Already had the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech. It was merged into the "You broke my heart" speech.

Since then she told the OM she wasn't going to see him anymore (but insisted on continued communication through computer/phone), shifted back and forth several times on how she is feeling, been at a point where she was going to break contact with the OM completely, gone to see the OM behind my back, came to believe our marriage was worth saving while I took care of her the past few days when she was sick and went back out to see the OM again as soon as she felt well enough (yesterday).
Today we went out to lunch before she had to start work and I will be picking her up from her work in about 90 minutes.


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## Jonesey

If the reason she gave you ,it is all she gives..Then leave her.
Born American has a hard time getting a jobb.What made her think
it would be easy for you..

There is a statistic in the US that says 145k collage student´s works as janitor´s..(Nothing wrong with that job) Just to give you one idea..And she cheats on you WTF


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## Numb-badger

I have to ask, what do YOU want to do?


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## HappyHubby

Really sorry to hear this. It sounds like she is already emotionally attached to this other man and there is a very good chance she has slept with him. You not thinking so means nothing. So many others on here have been through this and will attest to the fact that their image of their wives was false.

With all that said, even if she is not sleeping with him, she is attaching herself to him while pulling away from you.

There is a very specific mindset that you must get into immediately if you are to come out of this on top. That is, YOU WILL NOT TOLERATE HER CHEATING. AT ALL. you must DEMAND no contact. If she refuses then you are done. Throw it back on her. Her behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. Do not become a cuckold.

do not beg her or cry or plead with her. Stop trying to cater to her every whim in order for her not to leave you. YOU have value too yo know. You must make her feel that SHE is losing YOU if she doesn't get her act together.


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## Acabado

FeelingLost84 said:


> She is willing to try some things with me, including marriage counselling. But she continues to remind me that her heart is no longer in it. She also tells me she will not stop seeing this other man.


MC is useless while OM is in the picture. Useless. Even MC will tell you so.
The marriage has no chance.
She must go NC (no contact) for good, give him up at her heart and get past the withdrawal.


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## HappyHubby

You have to be willing to lose her if you are to have any chance at this relationship making it and getting OM out of the way. 

If you try to nice your way out of it then you'll fail. Guaranteed! BE a strong confident Alpha type male from here on out.


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## FeelingLost84

In all honesty what I WANT is to wake up in the morning and realize it was all a bad dream.

Realistically: I would want her to open up to me again, break all contact with the OM and focus on us.
Either get her to accept I have dedicated myself to find a job here and finally got an interview set up (I despise the impersonal way applications work here. This will be my first human contact other than dismissive responses to follow up phone calls.)
Or to have her come back to Europe with me (which just over a week ago she was willing to do). This however would include her having to learn a new language and deal with the "cold" winters.

May still sound somewhat "dreamy", but you asked what I wanted.


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## Numb-badger

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html

Is a good place to start and learn


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## Numb-badger

Nothing wrong with dreamy and theres no need to be apologetic, we've all been there my friend and we know that right now your head is probably spinning in several different directions.


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## FeelingLost84

I have seen this term around a few times, but am not familiar with it.
Could someone explain to me what "cuckold" means?

At this point moving back to Europe by myself would mean a significant hit in finances based on what I would have to leave behind.
There is some stress as to a departure date since I refuse to leave without my dog (who moved to the U.S. with me) and airlines refusing to fly animals during the warmer months of the year.
I would either have to get this over with and accept my losses (emotionally and financially) and leave or endure here until September and take my time sorting everything.


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## FeelingLost84

As I stated before I believe in the other forum:
It seems crazy to me to throw away our relationship, our marriage and all the hard work we put in for the immigration over the events of a few weeks.


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## illwill

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## illwill

A guy who allows his wife to bang other guys.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli

illwill said:


> A guy who allows his wife to bang other guys.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, that's what's called a "Wittol." The precise definition of a cuckold is a guy who is unknowingly raising some other guy's bastard, wrongly thinking it's his own kid. Dale on "King of the Hill" is a cuckold. Over time, cuckold has come to mean any guy who is ignorant that his wife is fvcking around on him.


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## FeelingLost84

Well it's almost time for me to go pick her up from work.
I think I will swing by the liquor store for a bottle of whisky and try to figure out if I should talk to her tonight or tomorrow.


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## walkonmars

Is she still having sex with you? Because she is having sex with someone.
It will be a great big red flag if she is denying you intimacy. Her mysterious sickness is sure to surface every time it's bedtime. And if she isn't sick - then there will be a 'falling out' that prevents it. 

Cut your losses. Will you lose your green card if you divorce or separate?


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## FeelingLost84

Yes she is still having sex with me.

Just wondering about this:
Would anyone be able to tell me how long a divorce procedure would take and if I would need to be in the country for its duration?


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## terrence4159

if the divorce goes smooth a short time mine took 3 weeks.


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## Hope1964

Glad to see you here  You know what I think from your original thread I think.

Drinking isn't going to solve your problems though. You need a clear head. have you read the newbie link in my signature yet??


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## illwill

Machiavelli said:


> No, that's what's called a "Wittol." The precise definition of a cuckold is a guy who is unknowingly raising some other guy's bastard, wrongly thinking it's his own kid. Dale on "King of the Hill" is a cuckold. Over time, cuckold has come to mean any guy who is ignorant that his wife is fvcking around on him.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeelingLost84

I know alcohol is not the answer and I have never used it as such.in
fact until recently I never drank at all because I hate the taste of beer and figured I wouldn't like the rest either. But I found whisky to be pretty good and somewhat relaxing when I tried it a few months ago. I figured I could use a little relaxing this weekend and I don't think 1 bottle can do much harm.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeelingLost84

And yes I did read your newbie link
thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt

Why not ask you wife to accompany you to go and see her OM's live in girl friend?

She is cheating on you because "you broke her heart" but you should ask her to tell the OM's live in girl friend why she is cheating on her?

What has OM's girl friend ever done to cross your wife, so that she feels comfortable with making her into her very own cuckquean?

Of course, if OM's girl friend is unaware that your wife has turned her into her and the OM's cuckquean, well, stand back, as there could be a rather nasty fight.


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## MattMatt

FeelingLost84 said:


> I know alcohol is not the answer and I have never used it as such.in
> fact until recently I never drank at all because I hate the taste of beer and figured I wouldn't like the rest either. But I found whisky to be pretty good and somewhat relaxing when I tried it a few months ago. I figured I could use a little relaxing this weekend and I don't think 1 bottle can do much harm.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't down a whole bottle of whisky, mate! That'd be a bad idea.


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## walkonmars

MattMatt said:


> Why not ask you wife to accompany you to go and see her OM's live in girl friend?
> 
> She is cheating on you because "you broke her heart" but you should ask her to tell the OM's live in girl friend why she is cheating on her?
> 
> What has OM's girl friend ever done to cross your wife, so that she feels comfortable with making her into her very own cuckquean?
> 
> Of course, if OM's girl friend is unaware that your wife has turned her into her and the OM's cuckquean, well, stand back, as there could be a rather nasty fight.


:iagree: very good advice!


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## Subi

I hate these cross continental marriages. They are often built on shaky ground and when they end they are often messy. What would you do if you had children and then things got worse and you decided to return to Europe? How would u share custody? You have got to look really hard at this going forward. You may want to fight for it now but what if she does not change. Are u willing to put up with this in years to come. You dont have your family around you for support. It is very risky business. Stop drinking. Thats how alcholism starts. Return home and find a less risky woman surrounded by your loved ones. Dont bring her over coz tables will only turn and she ll blame u. She is not a woman of character and will not endure hardships of being in a new country plus a foreign language. Big decision you got to make.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix

FeelingLost84 said:


> H
> 
> She claimed to have no feelings for him and had told him she would not go see him. Instead she continued to talk to him over the phone and internet.
> I found out however she went to go see him again.
> 
> Just 2 weeks ago she was willing to fight for our marriage and willing to move to Europe with me if things didn't work out here.
> But she continues to remind me that her heart is no longer in it.


Looks like she's not ambivalent at all about what she feels for you. 
I can see from your post that you love her. The sad thing is that it doesn't matter how you feel about her. It doesn’t matter what she says about what happened. The only important point is how she feels about you and it appears that she doesn't want to be with you. It looks like you’re out .


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## FeelingLost84

I appreciate the concern for my well being, but I feel well in control of my own body. In fact it is the one thing I do feel in control of.
Tonight I have had about 4 fingers of whisky and that is where I stopped.
I am well aware of the risk imposed by mind influencing substances. 
I have downed 1 bottle of whisky in my lifetime, which I emptied some time ago and have felt a small desire, yet no reason to replace.
Tonight the desire was larger and there was some reason to it as well.

I have had a short conversation with my wife (she is still recovering from sickness, was tired and needs to be up early for work in the morning).
I have not yet gone over things in great detail, but I have made obvious I will be filing for divorce within a week if she does not stop contact with the OM. 
She brought up moving back to the west coast (after immigrating here we moved to the east coast together). Back in the west coast she was happier with her job perspectives and her family being close which she says, is part of why she has been unhappy.
She is "considering" breaking contact with the OM at this point and mentioned she has considered doing so before, but had not thought through the reasons for it.
Our lease here will be up in June, so if we stay together and move back to the west coast that is probably when it would happen.

Meanwhile the OM is roughly 17 miles away from where we live.

I still have hope this will work out. 
Before making any major decisions I will await a more clear answer on her part, or at least a clear head on mine. I am not used to alcohol and though I am a 200 pound male in excellent health (I was told this by the doctor examining me for immigration approval which covers physical health only. Mentally I am in turmoil.) and feel quite capable of most tasks I would not trust myself with operating a vehicle, power tools or major life decisions at this point. Right now I am merely appreciating the minor numbing the alcohol has provided.

During our talk my wife spent most her time looking/playing with her engagement ring commenting on its beauty/perfection.
Not sure if I should attribute any significance to this, but as I said ... I still have hope ... and the alcohol probably doesn't hurt for that.


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## Hope1964

FeelingLost84 said:


> She is "considering" breaking contact with the OM at this point


You told her this is totally unacceptable, right?? This has GOT to be a NON NEGOTIABLE thing. And you do not just take her word for it either. You get confirmation she sent a nc letter, and you check up on her afterwards to see that she follows through.



FeelingLost84 said:


> During our talk my wife spent most her time looking/playing with her engagement ring commenting on its beauty/perfection.
> Not sure if I should attribute any significance to this


She's manipulating you. She's doing this because she knows you will put importance on it. Who cares what her engagement ring looks like??? She obviously doesn't, or she'd be pleading with you not to divorce her.

She is NOT remorseful at all. Not in the least. Read the part about true remorse again. She isn't showing it.


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## Ever-Man

FeelingLost84 said:


> Hey all,
> 
> I am looking for advice and maybe support.
> 
> I posted this message in the anxiety/depression forums because it seemed most fitting for what caused my problems.
> What keeps coming up however is the OM issue. Therefore I thought it best I re-post the message here.
> I am aware it appears naive, but I do still believe my wife has not yet had sexual contact with the OM.
> 
> I moved from Europe to the U.S. to marry my American wife in October of 2011 (after many lengthy vacations together since 2008). I entered the country on a Fiance Visa and around Thanksgiving 2012, after a very slow and lengthy process, have finally received my green card (and work authorization).
> 
> At that time I tried obtaining a job but that process too was slow and unrewarding. I fell into a state of mild depression and home sickness, I mostly ended up behind the computer or tv.
> I realized what was happening but had a lot of trouble resolving the issue. I came to my wife several times asking for help, but I was unclear about what I was asking help with.
> 
> In doing so I was hurting my wife and a few weeks back she came to me letting me know I had broken her heart.
> She expected more from me than I had done and told me I needed to either get my act together or prepare for divorce.
> This was a major wake-up call and I have done a complete 180.
> I have since taken over 100% of the housework and started applying to vacancies. This time without discrimination applying to everything that is available (This payed off and I finally have an interview scheduled next Tuesday).
> 
> However the harder I've been trying to work on this, the further she withdraws from me.
> She is also seeing another man (who lives with a girlfriend of his own). She claimed to have no feelings for him and had told him she would not go see him again. However she did not break off contact completely. Instead she continued to talk to him over the phone and internet. Last Valentine's day she was upset and said she needed some time alone to go read a book in a local park. I found out however she went to go see him again.
> After this she fell ill and I have been taking care of her as I have always done in the past. Yesterday, when she was supposed to return to work, she told me she didn't feel well enough to go to work so I told her to call out sick. A few hours later she told me she was going to see the other man again (4th time).
> 
> Up to this point I do not believe they have had physical relations, however I still feel she is cheating on me.
> I continue to work hard on fixing our marriage, however she just continues to shut me out more and more.
> This is an issue she knows she has.
> When something hurts, or has hurt her she shuts it out completely until enough time has passed for her to distance herself from the pain.
> 
> Just 2 weeks ago she was willing to fight for our marriage and willing to move to Europe with me if things didn't work out here.
> She admits I have been doing everything she asked for and more since the day she told me I had broken her heart.
> Yet she is emotionally withdrawing from me more almost every day (there are some better days, but not many).
> 
> She is willing to try some things with me, including marriage counselling. But she continues to remind me that her heart is no longer in it. She also tells me she will not stop seeing this other man.
> 
> Thank you for reading through my ramblings.
> 
> I would greatly appreciate any opinion or advice any of you would be able to give me.



Wow, these stories never change in their utter cruelty. Your wife is a sow...plain and simple. Anything she says to you is only a "justification" for seeing the OM, they are not actual complaints. As soon as you clean up your act, she will find another reason to cheat, and try to find another lover while destroying your self-confidence and breaking your heart. 

Unbelievable, she says you broke HER HEART, and that is the reason she gives for cheating. Just so typical from these crazy people who "groom" a spouse to be emotionally abused, just like pedophiles groom children. And I can read between the lines that you are blaming yourself, and falling all over yourself to please her, jump thru the hoops, only to have her change the criteria. 

Prepare for a lot of pain from this crazyBTCH, sorry to say. Tell her you are going back to France, and plan on leaving, she does not deserve a husband. Very sorry you are in this position.


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## SevenEight

Numb-badger said:


> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html
> 
> Is a good place to start and learn



Thank you so much for posting this.


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## akashNil

Few things are clear - The OM is not ready to leave his GF. So your wife is just a part-time job for him. This could be advantageous for you if you still want her back.

Expose the OM everywhere - his GF, his workplace, his circle. Then see how dramatically he runs away from your wife.


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## keko

Exposure needs to be done all at once to anyone and everyone that is related to both parties.

If you're exposure is strong enough the PM will dump your wife in no time and you'll have a shot in saving your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeelingLost84

The OM doesn't work. Apart from a roommate and a girlfriend I am not sure if he has much of a social circle to be exposed to.
Why do people assume I am French?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WTHiswrong

Hope1964 said:


> You told her this is totally unacceptable, right?? This has GOT to be a NON NEGOTIABLE thing. And you do not just take her word for it either. You get confirmation she sent a nc letter, and you check up on her afterwards to see that she follows through.
> 
> :iagree:
> 
> She's manipulating you. She's doing this because she knows you will put importance on it. Who cares what her engagement ring looks like??? She obviously doesn't, or she'd be pleading with you not to divorce her.
> 
> She is NOT remorseful at all. Not in the least. Read the part about true remorse again. She isn't showing it.


no remorse as far as i can see:scratchhead:


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## FeelingLost84

So it's been a few days. I had become hopeful since she seemed to have cut off contact with the OM. At least I didn't see her contacting him as I did before. She was also acting like she was more willing to save our marriage.
She was supposed to be with her sister who lives a few hours from here for a few days because she had missed her birthday. I tried calling her and found her phone was turned off which is highly unusual for her. I then traced the phones last known location to a motel a good 15 miles from her sisters house.
I logged on her facebook account and found a conversation she had with an old co-worker where she stated she was starting a divorce.

At this point I just want to order a plane ticket and leave.
Do I have to stay in America for the divorce procedure?


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## PBear

FeelingLost84 said:


> So it's been a few days. I had become hopeful since she seemed to have cut off contact with the OM. At least I didn't see her contacting him as I did before. She was also acting like she was more willing to save our marriage.
> She was supposed to be with her sister who lives a few hours from here for a few days because she had missed her birthday. I tried calling her and found her phone was turned off which is highly unusual for her. I then traced the phones last known location to a motel a good 15 miles from her sisters house.
> I logged on her facebook account and found a conversation she had with an old co-worker where she stated she was starting a divorce.
> 
> At this point I just want to order a plane ticket and leave.
> Do I have to stay in America for the divorce procedure?


You need to talk to a real lawyer. Sooner the better. As others have said, things can go pretty quickly, especially if there's no custody and limited assets to deal with.

C


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## spudster

Just go back home. She can file for divorce on grounds of abandonment. Cut your losses and chalk this up to experience. I'm very sorry this happened to you my friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

It is in your best interest to stick around for minimum the drawing up of the papers. Perhaps you should seek a lawyer to protect yourself and to make sure this ends fairly.

Even if your wife hasn't started the divorce proceedings, you should. Your wife will always be a cheater no matter who she's with. If you can handle living with her, wait before you move and bring your dog home with you. 

Never allow your wife(future wife) to cheat on you again or befriend those of the opposite sex. I don't see this too often where a man(or woman) is so forgiving of an affair. It's like you gave her permission to go ahead and cheat. 

Good luck.


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## spudster

Why should he stick around and get nailed with some kind of alimony or some such nonsense? There's not a court in America that can garnish your wages or file any kind of lien against you that can be enforced if you go back home. 

Nah. Call your family and tell them you're flying home. Let your WW do what she needs to do. Let her pay the money for the divorce. Let her mop up the mess she made. Why should you show her any consideration? Leave her and never look back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK

Interesting.

Cuckold.

Origin - 1200–50; Middle English cukeweld, later cok ( k ) ewold, cukwold < Anglo-French *cucuald (compare Middle French cucuault ), equivalent to Old French cocu cuckoo + -ald, -alt pejorative suffix (see ribald); apparently orig. applied to an adulterer, in allusion to the cuckoo's habit of laying its eggs in other birds' nests

Cuckold | Define Cuckold at Dictionary.com


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## Shaggy

Wow.


Your wife is an awful cheat

You need a lawyer and you need to expose her to her friends and family. Tell them all you are dividing because she s cheating on you.
Name the guy she's doing it with and even name the hotel you traced her to. Don't tell them how you traced her, she'll. think you had a PI follow her.

But it's way past time to go nuclear on her.


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## Shaggy

Also take money out of joint accounts.


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## keko

Buy your plane ticket and leave without letting her know. You married a cheap skank, sorry man.

Just before you leave I would forward the details of her affairs to every member of her family/friends/coworkers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeelingLost84

Today I'm telling my friends (told a few so far) and licking my wounds.
Tomorrow I'll start preparing for the future.


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## Entropy3000

> She is also seeing another man.


This is not the woman you were looking for unless you just wanted to get a Visa.


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## FeelingLost84

I figured an "efficient" way to share the news with her family and friends would be to change her email and Facebook passwords and post it on her wall.

Not sure if I want to sink to that level though.

Any outside opinions?


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## warlock07

FeelingLost84 said:


> I figured an "efficient" way to share the news with her family and friends would be to change her email and Facebook passwords and post it on her wall.
> 
> Not sure if I want to sink to that level though.
> 
> Any outside opinions?


Do it... Change her answers to the secret questions too.


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## FeelingLost84

I never cared about the visa. America has its pro's and its con's I never cared much either way. I moved here for her and because she thought the winters were too cold in the Netherlands (not France!) where I lived to move there and she didn't speak the language.
I had a well paying job back in the Netherlands (and a standing job offer if I return).

I loved her very much and despite what happened I can't deny I still have significant feelings for her.

This is going to hurt for a long time.

I'm going to regret drinking this whisky on an empty stomach but it's too late now.


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## terrence4159

sorry about what happening FL84, i agree withchap, just get your stuff together and leave, dont tell her anything do the FB stuff right before you get on the plane, leave her a message on her FB as you are leaving telling her off and bye.


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## keko

FeelingLost84 said:


> I figured an "efficient" way to share the news with her family and friends would be to change her email and Facebook passwords and post it on her wall.
> 
> Not sure if I want to sink to that level though.
> 
> Any outside opinions?


Good idea but plan what you'll be writing ahead of time so you'll be gone by the time her phone starts ringing.

You could even post the location of the motel on her map, with the OM.


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## snap

Consider yourself blessed that you have no kids together. Cut your losses and move on.

(Also, cold winters in Netherlands? Pfft


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## FeelingLost84

Don't really see how the location of the motel (they were too cheap to get a hotel) matters.

She's a spoiled California brat she can't survive in temperatures under 70 degrees.

Getting my stuff together will take a while. I have a lot to send over the mail. Not to mention things I simply can't take because of legal, size or electrical issues.


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## spudster

FeelingLost84 said:


> I never cared about the visa. America has its pro's and its con's I never cared much either way. I moved here for her and because she thought the winters were too cold in the Netherlands (not France!) where I lived to move there and she didn't speak the language.
> I had a well paying job back in the Netherlands (and a standing job offer if I return).
> 
> I loved her very much and despite what happened I can't deny I still have significant feelings for her.
> 
> This is going to hurt for a long time.
> 
> I'm going to regret drinking this whisky on an empty stomach but it's too late now.


I think America was a better place having you, and I think your wayward wife is making the mistake of her life and one that she will bitterly regret once the fog lifts and she realizes what she lost. 

Expose her to everyone in your circle, take out all the money in your savings, get on that plane and don't look back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

The location is just to show everyone you know what she is doing. It depends on what you want her family and friends think of you. If you just leave with out telling them why you are leaving, she is going to make you out to be a cruel, dangerous, lunatic.

I would not stand for this. You owe it to her parents to get on the phone now and tell them what she has/is doing.

You also need to let the OM's girlfriend what they are doing. You are not the only one with a part in their betrayals.

If you just run back to Europe they will make you out to be a monster. Defend your honor. Who knows their crap could end up following you back home.

Talk to a lawyer as soon as possible.

By the way, changing her passwords and exposaing her on FB isn't sinking low at all. Just tell the truth. You could not sink as low as those two in any event.

If you think they are together now let his girlfriend know. Of course, she may have more than one lover.


----------



## Chaparral

BTW, taking on the all the chores in your home just made you look like a needy, whiney b!tch. You really need to download MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER to undrestand that. Instead of being her man, you turned yourself into her maid. That dosen't mean you do not do any housework etc. 

Read MMSLP now, if you do not make it in this relationship it will work freat in your future. It all boils down to biology.

Amazon.com: married man sex life

*Book Description
Publication Date: March 30, 2011 
The author of the innovative sex and marriage blog "Married Man Sex Life" brings together his edgy and brilliant advice in a single volume primer delivering the motherload of substance. The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 cherry picks the best ideas of books like "The Mystery Method," "No More Mr. Nice Guy," and the volatile online world of the Pickup Artist a.k.a. "Game" community and merges them with a solid grounding in evolutionary psychology, sociology, biology and behavior modification. The result is a simple, effective plan for men to create sexually exciting marriages for themselves and their wives.

The opening covers the underlying ancient "hard-wired" biological and modern social reasons women find men attractive. Athol pulls no punches here and the sexual motivations of women are laid bare. Though rather than framing women as sexually devious and seeking to advantage themselves over men, he explains how their sexual behavior is entirely rational in nature and once understood as such, it becomes very useful information. 

The second part of the book takes the framework developed in the first part and offers a wealth of tools to put it to practical use. The most important tool is The Male Action Plan, which charges the husband with the task of becoming a better, sexier man and thereby leveraging his increased attractiveness for a better sex life with his wife. As Athol says, "whoever is the most attractive in the relationship is in charge."*


----------



## FeelingLost84

I have been tracking her phone. He is the only one.
She doesn't know if she will stay with him.
I talked to her sister and said my goodbye. Also told the sister I forgive her for hiding the fact she brought him there with her.
Told my brother in law thanks for not allowing him to stay at their house.

Her parents have had one awful daughter to deal with. Not sure I want to pile on a second one right now. Either way they'll forgive her I'm sure. They always have gone easy on her (compared to the other two)

Not doing anything big today. As I said earlier I am going to be licking my wounds and talk to people who care.

Tomorrow is when my future starts.


----------



## spudster

I still don't think you need to waste your money on a lawyer. Why do you care what her friends and family think of you? You've exposed her to them and said your peace. If the choose to coddle her and support her bad behavior then a pox on all of them. 

Get your affairs in order and fly home. Let her spend the money on divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spudster

If I recall the women in the Netherlands are hot. Find you a nice girl and start living your life. Forget you ever met Miss California.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeelingLost84

You can find beautiful women in any country. I wasn't worried about that. Thanks though.

In fact I would like to thank all of you for your advice and support throughout all this.

Another issue right now is that she will be returning home tomorrow morning.
Any ideas on how to handle that awkward situation?


----------



## spudster

Ignore her. Let her see you packing. You have said all there is to say. And she gave you her answer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko

spudster said:


> Ignore her. Let her see you packing. You have said all there is to say. And she gave you her answer.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ignore her, yes. But I wouldn't let her know you'll be leaving, make it a surprise. Just act like nothing is wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spudster

keko said:


> Ignore her, yes. But I wouldn't let her know you'll be leaving, make it a surprise. Just act like nothing is wrong.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think he already told her siblings he was bailing, so she knows.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TOMTEFAR

Feel sorry for you.


----------



## keko

spudster said:


> I think he already told her siblings he was bailing, so she knows.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oops, missed his post about it.

Ignore my post OP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeelingLost84

Told her I would be leaving when I talked to her on the phone this morning.
Told her younger sister after I came back from the job interview I had today (it was the first American company to offer me a chance at an interview I felt obliged to go and explained to them what was going on and that I would not be taking the job).
Didn't talk to the older sister. I'm not that close to that one. It's the black sheep of the family even though she is finally getting her act together. She messed up two kids getting to where she is today.


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## spudster

FL84, do you think your wayward wife married you as a"trophy husband"? For the social benefit of showing you off to her friends and family? Then once the novelty wore off and you and her settled down to real marriage she realized she never truly loved you?

Is that what may have happened?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeelingLost84

I doubt that's what happened.
The first time we met she didn't know much about me, but she fell head over heels in love with me. That said she had just come out of a relationship and has never been in a relationship with someone that didn't cheat on her (before me).
The scariest thing in my life was when she kept telling me how perfect I was. I have always known I am not perfect and would never claim to be. I have plenty of good qualities but they appeared wasted on her in the end.


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## SadandAngry

I might consider locking her out, tell her to stay elsewhere until you are gone. Also I would not leave the divorce up to her, I would make sure it was done myself. No sense in letting her have any means of hassling you in the future.


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## Chaparral

You should talk to an attorney before you leave. What if she doesn't divorce you? All her debts she rings up will be yours. IDK how tha may follow you but now days, with the ineternet anything is possible.

Her parents deserve the truth from your lips. You are not the one hurting them. Hard to believe how many betrayed spouses fo not get this. Surely it is not right to let her tell them lies about you.


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## keko

Since he's international, I highly doubt anyone or anything will go through the hassle of tracing him and hunting him down for whatever debt after he left the states.


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## Jasel

Only thing I will say is if you've told her you will do something, please follow through with it. If by any chance she comes home begging for a second chance with tears and promises, don't back out after already telling her you were leaving.


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## FeelingLost84

Not much that can follow me. Everything is basically in her name since I came here with 0 credit history.
Everything that is in my name is fully paid off and/or in the black.


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## FeelingLost84

As far as I am considered she has had more than enough chances.
Before I was willing to believe she had not slept with him.
That belief has turned into a fairytale and I am a little too old for fairytales.


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## Dad&Hubby

You're handling this very well FeelingLost. And by the sound of it, you're feeling sad, but at least not lost anymore. That's stage 1 of moving forward, seeing where and what you want/need to do and doing it.

I'm going to also recommend talking to an attorney. The first visit is usually free. You could talk to a couple of them to get 2 hours worth of free counsel. But this way you know what you should do. You don't want to be sitting home on a "Cold Winter's Night" LOL with your new (and wonderful) woman and you get a phone call about your "wife" back in the states, because she never did anything about your "situation".


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## FeelingLost84

Right now summer is coming. 
Suppose I have that to look forwards to.
Practicing tricks with my dog in the park always did attract the ladies.

Can't say I don't feel lost anymore. I might have a sense of what direction I am headed, but it still feels a long way away with considerable obstacles.
Meanwhile I am in a relatively strange country with few true friends in close proximity.


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## terrence4159

good for you feeling!! you are handling this better than most would have (including myself) i agree with most people here when she comes home tomorrow be packing if she tries talking to you give her the are you joking look and then keep packing and ignore her. you life can only get better from here, hang in there!


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## spudster

Can you take your dog back with you? Does s/he have to go through quarantine?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964

I am so sorry  People like your wife just make me shake my head. How they can be so obtuse is really a puzzle.

You're sounding all right. Just keep doing what you're doing, and know my thoughts are with you.


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## FeelingLost84

It has been coming I suppose I had some time to prepare.
Don't mistake my current state with doing alright.
I have been sick and the coughing has kept me from sleeping much the last few days. Did not sleep at all last night.
Took energy shots to get through the interview and medicine to keep my throat from hurting. Had whisky when I came home from the interview and I think it is fair to say that despite having had a chance to prepare this still shocked me.

At one point she texted me she was starting to "like" the idea of marriage counseling and a future with me. But I stopped responding to her before that.

All I know is that she is roughly 5 hours away with another guy who has surely been comforting her in the sobbing state I last heard her in on the phone and has made no attempt at returning home in the last 4 hours.


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## Hope1964

OK well maybe don't keep doing what you're doing if you're mixing drugs and alcohol. That's not good.

Her texting you that she likes the idea of MC is her way of trying to keep you around as plan B.

Have a nap. Do you know what the 180 is?


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## FeelingLost84

Don't have time for a nap, I was sent a drinking buddy who will drop by after he finishes work. They wouldn't take no for an answer.

Not worried about the drugs they were 2 advils and some throat spray.
Just had the 1 glass of whisky and am starting to feel sober. 
Got someone coming over who will try to pour more whisky into me though but I wasn't planning on that.
I'll figure out how to deal with that when he gets here.

If it would stop raining I would be inclined to head to the dogpark but that doesn't seem likely.


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## spudster

FeelingLost84 said:


> I doubt that's what happened.
> The first time we met she didn't know much about me, but she fell head over heels in love with me.
> 
> *Of course... you were a European knight in shining armor. You swept her off her feet. She was infatuated with you. *
> 
> That said she had just come out of a relationship and has never been in a relationship with someone that didn't cheat on her (before me).
> 
> *Did you ever ask her if she cheated on any of her past partners? *
> 
> The scariest thing in my life was when she kept telling me how perfect I was.
> 
> *See your wife is a romantic, and a shallow romantic at that. You were this exotic foreigner who she worshipped, but then you made the mistake of getting homesick and lapsing into depression. That and employment problems tainted that perfect, and completely unrealistic, image she had created in her mind of who you were. *
> 
> I have always known I am not perfect and would never claim to be. I have plenty of good qualities but they appeared wasted on her in the end.
> 
> *But what you percieve as your good qualities didn't mesh with what she values as good qualities. The OM has all the good qualities now. You are yesterday's novelty. *


I'm not trying to be mean, just honest. I really do believe this is how she thinks.


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## LostAndContent

Hang in there Dude.

It may not seem like things will ever get better, but I promise you they do. You have the advantage of being able to put an ocean between you and her. Carry on with what you're doing.


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## CleanJerkSnatch

Sounds like a tough spot you are dealing with. The whiskey isn't helping your physical or mental condition, but on the contrary. Well, either way, a little raw apple cider vinegar should hurry the healing process.

Be prepared for the crying, the minimizing, the justifying. Most WS "eat cake" and then ask for MC (marriage counseling). That is about the equivalent of an obese person saying "ok this is the last day before my diet, let me pig out one last time". Then, the diet never really is taken seriously, it never is enforced, it is not strict, and they relapse, sometimes becoming worse, compared to what they were before.

Keep to yourself and focus on your health. 
Your wife has cheated on you way too early in your marriage.

Reconciliation is possible but it is so difficult and you have to get a job and have her be transparent and help her through her addiction to cheating with disgusting losers. Ultimately, she has to want to work for you, and if it isn't there, the remorse, repent, regret, the willingness to "fix it all", "start over" you will spend time in false reconciliation and find that you have been cheated on again and start your grieving process from the beginning again.
Its a difficult road from here on out if you try to R. You'll feel it, your instincts, deep down in your conscious you know the RIGHT answer. 

Think with your mind now, not with your broken heart.


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## CleanJerkSnatch

You need to expose, do the FB thing with changing pw and security questions posting it on her wall, then worry about the fall out later.

If she regrets it all, and accepts the shame as well deserved then R MAY be possible.


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## SadandAngry

FeelingLost84 said:


> Not much that can follow me. Everything is basically in her name since I came here with 0 credit history.
> Everything that is in my name is fully paid off and/or in the black.


You want to keep it that way. And don't underestimate how much entities will come after you for money. Recently the IRS was shaking down expats for huge amounts, saying they were supposed to continue filing income tax in the States for all the years they had been away. Totally out of the blue for most of them. Take the time to properly sever the legal relationship.


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## Subi

I saw this coming and I knew right from the start that this relationship was based or founded on a fantasy that has now collapsed. Well you have the lot of us here. You dropped your guard and so lost your shine before her. She lost interest and out of the window the love went. 
Sorry you found yourself in such a place. 
Do not let her play with your heart just let her go.


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## FeelingLost84

New guy ... also foreign. Australian this time, but already legally residing in the U.S.
She made it a point to specify this isn't about him and doesn't seem intent on staying with him. 

I think she cheated once on her last boyfriend shortly before breaking up and meeting me. When I first met her she was having a big fight with her younger sister who found it outrageous she would cheat (yet now she was willing to keep it quiet for her). At the time I didn't know what the fight was about. I found out about that much later.

I think I mentioned before she runs away from pain rather than try and resolve a problem. I feel fairly confident that in a few months she will rethink her position.
Which is why I plan on severing all ties with her family and mutual friends.
It seems safer and less painful that way in the end.


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## Entropy3000

FeelingLost84 said:


> New guy ... also foreign. Australian this time, but already legally residing in the U.S.
> *She made it a point to specify this isn't about him and doesn't seem intent on staying with him. *
> 
> I think she cheated once on her last boyfriend shortly before breaking up and meeting me. When I first met her she was having a big fight with her younger sister who found it outrageous she would cheat (yet now she was willing to keep it quiet for her). At the time I didn't know what the fight was about. I found out about that much later.
> 
> I think I mentioned before she runs away from pain rather than try and resolve a problem. I feel fairly confident that in a few months she will rethink her position.
> Which is why I plan on severing all ties with her family and mutual friends.
> It seems safer and less painful that way in the end.


She's a keeper alright.


----------



## spudster

FeelingLost84 said:


> New guy ... also foreign. Australian this time, but already legally residing in the U.S.
> She made it a point to specify this isn't about him and doesn't seem intent on staying with him.
> 
> I think she cheated once on her last boyfriend shortly before breaking up and meeting me. When I first met her she was having a big fight with her younger sister who found it outrageous she would cheat (yet now she was willing to keep it quiet for her). At the time I didn't know what the fight was about. I found out about that much later.
> 
> I think I mentioned before she runs away from pain rather than try and resolve a problem. I feel fairly confident that in a few months she will rethink her position.
> Which is why I plan on severing all ties with her family and mutual friends.
> It seems safer and less painful that way in the end.


I think you are the victim of a love addict my friend. 

Love addicts are people who literally get addicted to the chemical high of falling in love (endorphines, dopamine and all that stuff). Then when the honeymoon is over and those feelgood chemicals diminish (totally normal) they are unable to move on to a deeper more committed kind of love that keeps them bonded to their mates and monogamous. 

Your WW, for whatever psychological reasons, is not able to progress beyond the "in-love" stage of a relationship, so she is doomed to this cycle of meeting men, falling in love, falling out of love and cheating. It will be a never ending cycle. 

I'm sorry she treated you this way. I do hope you don't go away thinking all American women are like her. The majority are not...for now at least.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CleanJerkSnatch

spudster said:


> I think you are the victim of a love addict my friend.
> 
> Love addicts are people who literally get addicted to the chemical high of falling in love (endorphines, dopamine and all that stuff). Then when the honeymoon is over and those feelgood chemicals diminish (totally normal) they are unable to move on to a deeper more committed kind of love that keeps them bonded to their mates and monogamous.
> 
> Your WW, for whatever psychological reasons, is not able to progress beyond the "in-love" stage of a relationship, so she is doomed to this cycle of meeting men, falling in love, falling out of love and cheating. It will be a never ending cycle.
> 
> I'm sorry she treated you this way. I do hope you don't go away thinking all American women are like her. The majority are not...for now at least.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is eros love for you, you want agape.


----------



## FeelingLost84

I enjoy stereotypes in humorous situations.
I do not live my life by them.
I am well aware that not all (American) women are the same.

That said, for the time being I don't think I will be looking to start a new relationship. 
I should work on some personal goals and rebuilding before I take another wager on love.


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## Subi

Feelinglost I thought about it, since you got your stay to live in America, if you like it there, you would stay, take on your job - hope you get it - and then see what happens. Life can sometimes surprise. What you have decided on following some goals through is a good idea but if you like it in America I would stay. Although I would personally return home - you will heal faster surrounded by your loved ones and friends.


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## FeelingLost84

I went to the job interview, but only to tell them I would not be taking the job because of my current situation. 
They appreciated that I still came to the interview and actually said I could have the job if anything changed.

That said, a divorce would cost me my greencard. So even if I wanted to stay, I couldn't.


----------



## Shaggy

It is very much about the OM. She chose him over the marriage. She clearly intends more than a romp with him. She's lying to you because she fears he will dump her if you send grief his way.

Time to send grief his way. Make sure to name him on the email and fb when you post. Hopefully his gf is on fb and will see it.

Also post him and her on cheaterville,com, others need to be warned.

I'm thinking her other relationships ended because f cheating, but it really was her that cheated not them.


----------



## LostAndContent

Shaggy said:


> I'm thinking her other relationships ended because f cheating, but it really was her that cheated not them.


Could also just be that being cheated on repeatedly has taught her that this is acceptable behavior. Not saying your wrong, but lets not jump to conclusions. I mean, she's still a horrible person, but lets not assume she's always been this way.


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## spudster

Did she ever come home?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeelingLost84

She's on her way home now.
Don't think she cheated on previous boyfriends. That was mostly in her mid to late teens. I met her at 19 back in 2008. When I first met her she was having a huge fight with her sister. Years later I found out the fight was because my wife had cheated on her ex at the end of their relationship. At the time her sister was incredibly offended she could have done such a thing.
This is the same sister that was now going to hide the fact that my wife was committing adultery at her house.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

FeelingLost84 said:


> Years later I found out the fight was because my wife had cheated on her ex at the end of their relationship. *At the time her sister was incredibly offended she could have done such a thing.*
> This is the same sister that was now going to hide the fact that my wife was committing adultery at her house.


 If this fight was bad enough, she may have felt it better to cover than have a relationship ending blow out. I am not saying it is right, it isn't, but just explaining why her angry sister may have changed.
Family makes you do irrational things.


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## spudster

So your SIL allowed your wife to entertain the OM at her residence?! Or did your wife take advantage of her and have the OM over when the sister was out?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel

How has your wife been reacting to all of this??


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## FeelingLost84

SIL had them over. BOL (currently stationed on the other side of the country for training) did not allow them to spend the night at the house which is why they went to a motel. SIL claimed she did not know they were having sex before they came out there.

Anyways she came home this morning and I spent a good hour yelling at her. Told her to call in "an adultering ****" to work because she was damn well going to sit there and listen to me. 
She called in (said she was having big problems at home) and they said she either had to be in the hospital or get fired. She ended up going to work crying later so I guess I'll have to postpone the rest for a while.

Meanwhile this was the first day I was starting to feel better (Physically since I've been sick the past week) and went out to breakfast this morning and lunch later in the day. Tried eating some new things I hadn't tried before. 
I figured if I'll be leaving soon I better make the most of it while I'm here and try some things I won't be likely to find in the Netherlands.

On that note I've been thinking of going to a shooting range and renting a gun for an hour or so. Might be a stress relief?


----------



## spudster

Rent a .44 magnum revolver and an Uzi submachine gun. Those will hook you on firearms for life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeelingLost84

Don't intend to get hooked on firearms. That would be annoying.
It is extremely difficult to legally obtain a firearm in the Netherlands.
To own one you need a license. To obtain a license you need to:
Join a shooting range
Rent and shoot a BB gun for 3 months
Rent and shoot a real gun for 9 months
If you have clocked enough monthly hours at the club for the full year you may apply for a license
To apply you need the club president and a senior member to support your application
Pass a mental health exam
Pass a background check
Pass a police interview
Permit the police to inspect your home twice per year at random
Purchase one safe for the gun you intend to buy and a second safe for the ammo
After all this and passing the initial inspection of the place you intend to store the gun in you will get a license to own exactly one firearm. After one year you can apply for an extension to the license increasing it to allow you to own two firearms. And another the year after that and so forth.

You will lose the license if at any point in time you do not clock enough monthly hours at your shooting range.

But this is very off topic.


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## spudster

Yeah....hence the reason I would never live in Europe. 

Rent a .44 magnum and take a shot. When you feel all that raw power exploding out of your hand.... You will be reborn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeelingLost84

There's pro's and con's to any country.
In the Netherlands as stated it is very hard to own a firearm, taxes are very high and plenty of other stuff wrong.
But on the up side any full time job will get you 8-9 weeks paid vacation right off the start. It has been years since I've seen homeless people (The government started hiring them as security for train stations, shopping centers and things like that to counteract graffiti) and crime is very low.

If I insist on owning a firearm I'd move to Switserland. Government issues every 18 year old male a rifle after mandatory basic training and has yearly shooting festivities where the government pays for your ammo.

I know guns are a big and sensitive topic in the U.S. but it's not really what this forum is for. 
I am just looking to try some new things right now. Particularly things I probably won't get to do back in the Netherlands.
I figured doing this will give me a chance for distraction and enjoyment in a difficult time.


----------



## 3putt

FeelingLost84 said:


> There's pro's and con's to any country.
> In the Netherlands as stated it is very hard to own a firearm, taxes are very high and plenty of other stuff wrong.
> But on the up side any full time job will get you 8-9 weeks paid vacation right off the start. It has been years since I've seen homeless people (The government started hiring them as security for train stations, shopping centers and things like that to counteract graffiti) and crime is very low.
> 
> If I insist on owning a firearm I'd move to Switserland. Government issues every 18 year old male a rifle after mandatory basic training and has yearly shooting festivities where the government pays for your ammo.
> 
> I know guns are a big and sensitive topic in the U.S. but it's not really what this forum is for.
> I am just looking to try some new things right now. Particularly things I probably won't get to do back in the Netherlands.
> I figured doing this will give me a chance for distraction and enjoyment in a difficult time.


If you wanna have some real fun before you leave, see if you can get a high powered rifle, and old washing machine(s) or dryer(s), and order some Tannerite. It's a legal explosive that can only be detonated by a rifle like a .243, 30.06, etc. Completely stable until that round passes through the mixture, then kaboom.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cxlx8TYWoKM

Tannerite Exploding Targets Official Website

You could spray paint the letters POSOM/STBXW on the front then fire. Guaranteed fun.

Trust me on this one. I blew an old Volkswagon up once with 40 lbs of the stuff. It was a wicked explosion. Wish I had taken a video of it.


----------



## terrence4159

dont listen to 3 putt hes way wrong you want a real gun get a .338 lapua the barrett model 98 t (only cost me 6 grand) shooting stuff at 1000yrds with the best sniper rifle on the plant AWSOME


----------



## spudster

terrence4159 said:


> dont listen to 3 putt hes way wrong you want a real gun get a .338 lapua the barrett model 98 t (only cost me 6 grand) shooting stuff at 1000yrds with the best sniper rifle on the plant AWSOME


.338 ammo is waaaaaaay too expensive. He's saving up for flying home...remember?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## terrence4159

lol good point what 7 bucks a shot to expensive?


----------



## spudster

terrence4159 said:


> lol good point what 7 bucks a shot to expensive?


The .338 Lapua is a badazz round indeed, but a little too much for a newbie. I'm interested to see what he tried out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeelingLost84

Need to get out of here, but there is too much left to do before I can go.
I'm struggling to hang on and probably hit rock bottom yesterday.
It's 6 AM now and I'm dead tired but can't seem to fall asleep.


----------



## SadandAngry

FeelingLost84 said:


> Need to get out of here, but there is too much left to do before I can go.
> I'm struggling to hang on and probably hit rock bottom yesterday.
> It's 6 AM now and I'm dead tired but can't seem to fall asleep.


Melatonin might help with that. You can find it in the vitamin section of most drugstores, or even supermarkets.


----------



## bandit.45

Benadryl. Two tablets before bed. Very inexpensive. It will knock you out cold and help you sleep deeply.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeelingLost84

Ok so today things blew up big time.

I'll spare you the details leading up to this, but last night I finally decided to go through with exposing her by posting it on her Facebook. Tagged the OM in the post as well.

He untagged himself some time this morning and I was told I was lucky he managed to do that before his girlfriend found it.

There was a lot of yelling and screaming where she wished I were dead or she would take my dogs and drop them off in the middle of nowhere and far more.

Her parents came to her defense (on Facebook) right away as was to be expected. They have always coddled her and that won't stop any time soon. 

Financially it's a big mess. She is demanding she gets to keep everything. Threatened to call the cops on me as well. Not sure on what grounds, but oh well ... 
She wants me to leave right away and says she will handle the divorce without me. I can only assume that is because if I leave she gets to keep everything and square things away any way she likes. If I stay for the divorce it would be a 50/50 split. She also threatened to take it to court because she has a FREE lawyer. The OM's best friend is a lawyer I guess.
This would turn into a huge mess for her since I have access to more than sufficient resources to hire my own lawyer. At this point the text messages I obtained over the past 2 months along with location data from her phone which I would assume suffice to show intent and opportunity (which are the 2 criteria here) to prove adultery. I also recorded several "conversations" today in which she admits to adultery.
Adultery in this state is punishable by a $1000 fine and up to 12 months in jail.
The jail time would likely ruin her career as a teacher.

To this point I feel so much love for my wife that I feel horrible about what has happened and what may happen if this continues. I don't want to ruin her but I can't let her get her way again and get rid of me in such a way.

Anyway ... BIG MESS!


----------



## bandit.45

I would think love would be the opposite emotion you'd befeeling after all that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jasel

Ya they hate the exposure. You played it right though.

I'd find a way to contact the OM's girlfriend directly.

Make sure everytime you're around her you have a recorder on you and that she doesn't know about it.


----------



## keko

Do you have a lawyer?

If I were you I would hold off on going to "Adultery is a crime" but rather expose her to her workplace. She made a fool out of you for far too long and its only fair she starts facing some consequence's of it.


----------



## 3putt

Jasel said:


> Ya they hate the exposure. You played it right though.
> 
> *I'd find a way to contact the OM's girlfriend directly.
> 
> Make sure everytime you're around her you have a recorder on you and that she doesn't know about it.*


Most definitely.


----------



## 3putt

terrence4159 said:


> dont listen to 3 putt hes way wrong you want a real gun get a .338 lapua the barrett model 98 t (only cost me 6 grand) shooting stuff at 1000yrds with the best sniper rifle on the plant AWSOME


Duuuuuuude, go get some of that stuff and blow something up. Helluva lot better than just shooting.

LOL...if this goes down with the OP, he could take his WW's car, load it up, blow it up, then head to Singapore.

Kidding, of course.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho

Drop your dogs off in the middle of nowhere?

That threat all by itself would be enough for a divorce for me.


----------



## FeelingLost84

I can't help how I feel. I have known her since July 2007 and been romantically involved with her since July 2008. 
That is a lot more time than I have spent in this current situation with her.
I have no intention of blowing anything up.
I do not currently have a lawyer. Still hoping to avoid needing one. The threat of this going to court is hopefully enough for her to handle this somewhat fair.


----------



## Keepin-my-head-up

FeelingLost84 said:


> I can't help how I feel. I have known her since July 2007 and been romantically involved with her since July 2008.
> That is a lot more time than I have spent in this current situation with her.
> I have no intention of blowing anything up.
> I do not currently have a lawyer. Still hoping to avoid needing one. The threat of this going to court is hopefully enough for her to handle this somewhat fair.


And if it doesn't? How long are u going to give it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3putt

FeelingLost84 said:


> I can't help how I feel. I have known her since July 2007 and been romantically involved with her since July 2008.
> That is a lot more time than I have spent in this current situation with her.
> I have no intention of blowing anything up.
> I do not currently have a lawyer. Still hoping to avoid needing one. The threat of this going to court is hopefully enough for her to handle this somewhat fair.


Get in touch with that GF, and half the work will be done for you.


----------



## Jasel

3putt said:


> Get in touch with that GF, and half the work will be done for you.


Seriously. Bet the OM dumps your wife like a ton of bricks.


----------



## terrence4159

:smthumbup: on the xposure and get ahold of the GF asap if not sooner. tell her to get a lawyer your not scared, whats the worst that can happen to you you leave the country.

whats the GF's name heck ill FB her for you


----------



## FeelingLost84

Several people at her work already know. They gossip the rest should know soon enough as well.
I know the apartment complex he lives in but not the actual apartment. I don't know the name of his girlfriend or what she looks like. And I don't have time to stand around his apartment complex to find out.

Time is relatively short. I must leave before May due to flight restrictions on dogs during the summer. I hope to work this out and leave within 2 weeks. The sooner the better.

Once I sign papers do I need to stay in the country for the rest of the divorce proceedings?


----------



## 3putt

terrence4159 said:


> :smthumbup: on the xposure and get ahold of the GF asap if not sooner. tell her to get a lawyer your not scared, whats the worst that can happen to you you leave the country.
> 
> whats the GF's name heck ill FB her for you


Yep, PM me as well with some info and I'll do the same for you.


----------



## FeelingLost84

As I said I don't know the girlfriends name. The OM is in Atlanta, Georgia. If you can find out who his girlfriend is from there feel free to let me (or her) know.

I don't expect the OM to stay with my (soon to be ex) wife. I can't imagine she does either considering he has a girlfriend and is having sex with a married woman. It's just not relationship material.


----------



## keko

Send a formal complaint to her workplace with your name and signature. Gossips are gossips, nothing more.

Can you ask OM's family/friends on who his gf his? Most wouldn't answer but if you're lucky you might get a few responses. 

The need to show up at court depends on your state. Consult a lawyer on it, as most have free first consultations.


----------



## warlock07

FeelingLost84 said:


> Ok so today things blew up big time.
> 
> I'll spare you the details leading up to this, but last night I finally decided to go through with exposing her by posting it on her Facebook. Tagged the OM in the post as well.
> 
> He untagged himself some time this morning and I was told I was lucky he managed to do that before his girlfriend found it.
> 
> There was a lot of yelling and screaming where she wished I were dead or she would take my dogs and drop them off in the middle of nowhere and far more.
> 
> Her parents came to her defense (on Facebook) right away as was to be expected. They have always coddled her and that won't stop any time soon.
> 
> Financially it's a big mess. She is demanding she gets to keep everything. Threatened to call the cops on me as well. Not sure on what grounds, but oh well ...
> She *wants *me to leave right away and says she will handle the divorce without me. I can only assume that is because if I leave she gets to keep everything and square things away any way she likes. If I stay for the divorce it would be a 50/50 split. She also threatened to take it to court because she has a FREE lawyer. The OM's best friend is a lawyer I guess.
> This would turn into a huge mess for her since I have access to more than sufficient resources to hire my own lawyer. At this point the text messages I obtained over the past 2 months along with location data from her phone which I would assume suffice to show intent and opportunity (which are the 2 criteria here) to prove adultery. I also recorded several "conversations" today in which she admits to adultery.
> Adultery in this state is punishable by a $1000 fine and up to 12 months in jail.
> The jail time would likely ruin her career as a teacher.
> 
> To this point I feel so much love for my wife that I feel horrible about what has happened and what may happen if this continues. I don't want to ruin her but I can't let her get her way again and get rid of me in such a way.
> 
> Anyway ... BIG MESS!


Bravo!! Well done!!

Who cares what she wants ? She needs to grow up and take responsibility for what she did to you. Don't enable her out of love like her parents did...

She needs to know that there will be consequences when you betray people who trusted and loved you and treat them like sh!t. Let her learn. Next time she will be careful before she ruins someone's life on a whim or infatuation


----------



## Jasel

FeelingLost84 said:


> Several people at her work already know. They gossip the rest should know soon enough as well.
> I know the apartment complex he lives in but not the actual apartment. I don't know the name of his girlfriend or what she looks like. And I don't have time to stand around his apartment complex to find out.
> 
> Time is relatively short. I must leave before May due to flight restrictions on dogs during the summer. I hope to work this out and leave within 2 weeks. The sooner the better.
> 
> Once I sign papers do I need to stay in the country for the rest of the divorce proceedings?


Eh I don't know he legal aspects of it but if you can get out of the country and set up shop someplace else I'd just bail after signing.


----------



## MattMatt

FeelingLost84 said:


> As I said I don't know the girlfriends name. The OM is in Atlanta, Georgia. If you can find out who his girlfriend is from there feel free to let me (or her) know.
> 
> I don't expect the OM to stay with my (soon to be ex) wife. I can't imagine she does either considering he has a girlfriend and is having sex with a married woman. It's just not relationship material.


An Australian stranded in Atlanta? That's interesting.


----------



## 3putt

MattMatt said:


> An Australian stranded in Atlanta? That's interesting.


Yeah, this POSOM is more full of sh!t than I am.


----------



## MattMatt

And he is on Facebook. Not a very discrete fellow for a love rat, is he?


----------



## 3putt

MattMatt said:


> And he is on Facebook. Not a very discrete fellow for a love rat, is he?


He just looks like one of those little snide pricks that I would love to just take a giant dump on. The Mr. Wonderful, gather unto me which is mine, I can do no wrong type of man-twat.


----------



## 3putt

3putt said:


> He just looks like one of those little snide pricks that I would love to just take a giant dump on. The Mr. Wonderful, gather unto me which is mine, I can do no wrong type of man-twat.


Which also makes this comment even more hilarious....



FeelingLost84 said:


> I'll spare you the details leading up to this, but last night I finally decided to go through with exposing her by posting it on her Facebook. Tagged the OM in the post as well.
> 
> *He untagged himself some time this morning and I was told I was lucky he managed to do that before his girlfriend found it.*


Yeah, like that little pvssy would have the balls to do anything. Damn my blood pressure is redlining.


----------



## MattMatt

But in latest news he is now coming up pretty high on Google Search


> "Originally Posted by FeelingLost84 As I said I don't know the girlfriends name. The OM is in Atlanta, Georgia. If you can find out ...


Oh... dear.

Apparently he is something to do with a Rugby club in Atlanta.

I have a horrible idea this will get to the attention of his poor, abused girl friend before too long.


----------



## 3putt

MattMatt said:


> But in latest news ######## is now coming up pretty high on Google Search
> 
> Oh... dear.
> 
> Apparently he is something to do with a Rugby club in Atlanta.
> 
> I have a horrible idea this will get to the attention of his poor, abused girl friend before too long.


If you'll notice, this prick "seems" to have something to do with many clubs and associations.

My guess is he's just a smooth talking player prick.


----------



## Shaggy

Think about it. If his friend did the divorce then you'd have even more opportunity to expose the OM to his gf.

All lies. She's git nothing and she's about to get dumped.

Well done. Now find that gf and expose.


----------



## illwill

That POSOM would not do well in my hood.


----------



## TBT

MattMatt said:


> But in latest news he is now coming up pretty high on Google Search
> 
> Oh... dear.
> 
> Apparently he is something to do with a Rugby club in Atlanta.
> 
> I have a horrible idea this will get to the attention of his poor, abused girl friend before too long.


Link to this thread is there now when you google the name.


----------



## 3putt

TBT said:


> Link to this thread is there now when you google the name.


Anyone who has his name in a post of their's should delete that reference.


----------



## Shaggy

It's cleaner if this thread gets moved to the private section.


----------



## Subi

I have seen him too. ha ha ha ha. I hardly doubt he is originally from Australia. If you tracked his roots, he sounds very Italian to me. Hmmmm.. Sucker of a man.


----------



## Subi

The battle lines have been drawn. She is your enemy. She is tearing you into pieces and wants you ruined. How can you LOVE that person??????? How can you feel anything other than resentment, pure hatred for that person. That is one thing I need someone to explain to me. I would really like to know.


----------



## Shaggy

You know she fears being dumped by the OM and that exposure is working on the douche OM, well done.


----------



## FeelingLost84

Subi said:


> The battle lines have been drawn. She is your enemy. She is tearing you into pieces and wants you ruined. How can you LOVE that person??????? How can you feel anything other than resentment, pure hatred for that person. That is one thing I need someone to explain to me. I would really like to know.


I really can't explain it. It's just what I feel.
Sorry


----------



## MattMatt

FeelingLost84 said:


> I really can't explain it. It's just what I feel.
> Sorry


It is because that's who you are. The better person. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## spudster

There is no court in the US who's jurisdiction extends to Holland. They cannot enforce any judgements against you if you move back home. 

Let her pay the money for the divorce and go through the headache of an ex parte process. She deserves no help from you. Go home to the people who love you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ArmyofJuan

FeelingLost84 said:


> I really can't explain it. It's just what I feel.
> Sorry


Sounds like co-dependency, the same reasons why women stay with their abusive husbands.

Don't act on your feelings, use your brain.


----------



## LostAndContent

FeelingLost84 said:


> Ok so today things blew up big time.
> 
> I'll spare you the details leading up to this, but last night I finally decided to go through with exposing her by posting it on her Facebook. Tagged the OM in the post as well.
> 
> He untagged himself some time this morning and I was told I was lucky he managed to do that before his girlfriend found it.
> 
> There was a lot of yelling and screaming where she wished I were dead or she would take my dogs and drop them off in the middle of nowhere and far more.
> 
> Her parents came to her defense (on Facebook) right away as was to be expected. They have always coddled her and that won't stop any time soon.
> 
> Financially it's a big mess. She is demanding she gets to keep everything. Threatened to call the cops on me as well. Not sure on what grounds, but oh well ...
> She wants me to leave right away and says she will handle the divorce without me. I can only assume that is because if I leave she gets to keep everything and square things away any way she likes. If I stay for the divorce it would be a 50/50 split. She also threatened to take it to court because she has a FREE lawyer. The OM's best friend is a lawyer I guess.
> This would turn into a huge mess for her since I have access to more than sufficient resources to hire my own lawyer. At this point the text messages I obtained over the past 2 months along with location data from her phone which I would assume suffice to show intent and opportunity (which are the 2 criteria here) to prove adultery. I also recorded several "conversations" today in which she admits to adultery.
> Adultery in this state is punishable by a $1000 fine and up to 12 months in jail.
> The jail time would likely ruin her career as a teacher.
> 
> To this point I feel so much love for my wife that I feel horrible about what has happened and what may happen if this continues. I don't want to ruin her but I can't let her get her way again and get rid of me in such a way.
> 
> Anyway ... BIG MESS!



All of the mess is going to be landing on her though. I don't see any reason you should let her take everything or dance to her tune at all. **** her.


----------



## MattMatt

spudster said:


> There is no court in the US who's jurisdiction extends to Holland. They cannot enforce any judgements against you if you move back home.
> 
> Let her pay the money for the divorce and go through the headache of an ex parte process. She deserves no help from you. Go home to the people who love you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Be careful! The USA has reciprocal agreements with some countries. 

Before you make any decisions get legal advice from an expert in Dutch/USA law.


----------



## spudster

MattMatt said:


> Be careful! The USA has reciprocal agreements with some countries.
> 
> Before you make any decisions get legal advice from an expert in Dutch/USA law.


California municipalities cannot afford toilet paper right now because the state is so bankrupt. Do you think they would spend the money to hire an attorney to track down the OP in Europe? No way they would waste their limited resources to do that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## FeelingLost84

Took my dogs to the vet yesterday to get them ready for the flight.
Turns out they need another 21 days between that and the actual flight because one of them wasn't chipped.
I'm stuck here for another 3 weeks.

I just want this over with.


----------



## MattMatt

spudster said:


> California municipalities cannot afford toilet paper right now because the state is so bankrupt. Do you think they would spend the money to hire an attorney to track down the OP in Europe? No way they would waste their limited resources to do that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


State law has nowt to do with this. Reciprocal agreements operate on a Federal Level.


----------



## MattMatt

And as Google Translate puts it:- "Mijn beste wensen voor je nieuwe leven in Nederland. Hoop dat u en uw hond zal heel blij weer thuis te zijn."


----------



## FeelingLost84

"My best wishes for your new life in the Netherlands. Hope you and your dog will very happy again being home"

Close enough.
Thanks for the sentiment.


----------



## FeelingLost84

She's threatening to have me deported.
Claims I did something to warrant deportation.
Refusing to tell me what this reason is though.


----------



## 3putt

MattMatt said:


> State law has nowt to do with this. Reciprocal agreements operate on a Federal Level.


MM, I would have to go with spudster on this one. I can't even begin to imagine authorities at any state or federal level flexing any muscle over something like this.

It won't happen. Hell, we can't even get half the guys we _really_ want to get in countries that we have extradition agreements with.

Fly the coop, and get on with your life.


----------



## keko

FeelingLost84 said:


> She's threatening to have me deported.
> Claims I did something to warrant deportation.
> Refusing to tell me what this reason is though.


Free plane ticket?


----------



## FeelingLost84

I still have friends in the U.S. I'd like to visit from time to time. 
If I would go along with deportation that would become difficult.


----------



## Shaggy

FeelingLost84 said:


> She's threatening to have me deported.
> Claims I did something to warrant deportation.
> Refusing to tell me what this reason is though.


First, the Feds have better things to do than chase you down.

Second, you are married to a US citizen and that gives you certain rights.

Contact an immigration lawyer fast. You need expert advice ASAP.


----------



## FeelingLost84

A friend of mine gave me the number of a divorce attorney.
Online reviews are awful though.
But my friend says she's great.
Then again my friend isn't divorced.

Lawyer Angela Woodall - Dallas Attorney - Avvo.com


----------



## Machiavelli

MattMatt said:


> State law has nowt to do with this. Reciprocal agreements operate on a Federal Level.


Not so much. States are nullifying stuff left and right from dope to guns. The feds can't wipe their arses without the locals doing most of the legwork. I know first hand from 25 years with the federal side. This is probably how it went down in Rome.


----------



## FeelingLost84

And the roller coaster continues ...
She came to me crying today, begging to try counseling and other things I suggested weeks ago.
Now she is saying she doesn't want to lose me (again ... this is the second time in a little less than 2 weeks time).
She tried making me dinner and make friendly conversation ...


----------



## keko

Is she still screwing the OM?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acabado

From having you deported to begging a last chance.
Man she's a crazy woman!

Any interest? Send her here, or better to SI so they get her straight about what it takes.


----------



## 3putt

FeelingLost84 said:


> And the roller coaster continues ...
> She came to me crying today, begging to try counseling and other things I suggested weeks ago.
> Now she is saying she doesn't want to lose me (again ... this is the second time in a little less than 2 weeks time).
> She tried making me dinner and make friendly conversation ...


Hmmm, isn't this the same woman that threatened to have you deported last night?

Is OM still in the picture? LOL...what am I asking? Of course he is.

Massive entitled cake eater here.


----------



## warlock07

FeelingLost84 said:


> She's threatening to have me deported.
> Claims I did something to warrant deportation.
> Refusing to tell me what this reason is though.


Marrying an idiot


----------



## walkonmars

potential bunny boiler.


----------



## Jasel

FeelingLost84 said:


> A friend of mine gave me the number of a divorce attorney.
> Online reviews are awful though.
> But my friend says she's great.
> Then again my friend isn't divorced.
> 
> Lawyer Angela Woodall - Dallas Attorney - Avvo.com


I'd ask her if she can give you any references. Those reviews are bad but there are only a handful. And I imagine when things don't go someone's way in court the lawyer makes an easy target.


----------



## warlock07

FeelingLost84 said:


> And the roller coaster continues ...
> She came to me crying today, begging to try counseling and other things I suggested weeks ago.
> Now she is saying she doesn't want to lose me (again ... this is the second time in a little less than 2 weeks time).
> She tried making me dinner and make friendly conversation ...


Something happened!! She probably got dumped..


Edit: Did she confess that the affair was physical ?

edit2: Ok, I remember. She was with him in a hotel.


----------



## SadandAngry

That's pretty much par for the course. She is out of control. You need to focus on yourself, and doing what you need to do. Keep calm and carry on preparing to leave. 

Think about your future. Do you want to carry on with her? Can you forgive her? Should you? (ima give you an opinion on this one, NO! You have very little (relatively) invested in this relationship, this is not easy to overcome, and really, what message do you give her? **** me over, I'll be mad, but still take you back anyway.)

Keep detaching, get your affairs (so to speak) in order, look after it yourself, you cannot trust her to do it, and move on with your life. Maybe read Married Man's Sex Life Primer and open your eyes for the next go around.


----------



## warlock07

> There was a lot of yelling and screaming where she wished I were dead or she would take my dogs and drop them off in the middle of nowhere and far more.


Normal people don't do that. Your wife is nuts!!


----------



## FeelingLost84

Yeah the reviews on the lawyer really are bad. The lawyer's own website has been down since my friend gave me the number. I'll check on that again on Monday. Going to see my friend tomorrow and I'll ask her about references.

Yes she has admitted to it being physical (and unprotected).

Yeah, the OM is still in the picture. Just yesterday I got another look at her phone. They were talking about how happy they were that I'd be one in a few weeks.
Also I guess the point where I posted about the affair on her Facebook and tagged him seems to have upset him. He stated he wants to punch me.


----------



## keko

Have you notified OMs workplace?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Machiavelli

FeelingLost84 said:


> Yeah the reviews on the lawyer really are bad. The lawyer's own website has been down since my friend gave me the number. I'll check on that again on Monday. Going to see my friend tomorrow and I'll ask her about references.
> 
> Yes she has admitted to it being physical (and unprotected).
> 
> Yeah, the OM is still in the picture. Just yesterday I got another look at her phone. They were talking about how happy they were that I'd be one in a few weeks.
> Also I guess the point where I posted about the affair on her Facebook and tagged him seems to have upset him. He stated he wants to punch me.


That sounds like what the Texas Penal Code calls a "terroristic threat".


----------



## FeelingLost84

OM doesn't work.


----------



## keko

FeelingLost84 said:


> OM doesn't work.


Didn't you say they met through work?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SadandAngry

warlock07 said:


> Normal people don't do that. Your wife is nuts!!


Aren't most waywards when they're in the middle of it all?


----------



## TDSC60

Don't worry about deportation. She is too stupid to even know how to go about doing that. You are currently married to a US citizen and have a valid green card. No one is going to bother you and she is full of hot air. Ignore her.

Get all your stuff together and get back to the Netherlands. 

I would sell anything that you own to your friends to raise some cash.

As for the lawyer - just pick one out of the yellow pages and go talk to them. First consultation is usually free.


----------



## FeelingLost84

They met online playing video games.


----------



## bandit.45

You can't be deported just because your WW wants it. So ignore all the hot air from her and her gasbag OM. 

You have to commit a felony of moral terpitude in order to even be considered worth INS even wasting their time. This isn't Russia and the INS is not the KGB. 

Ignore your WW's empty threats and make your decisions carefully.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

FeelingLost84 said:


> They met online playing video games.


Nerds of a feather. So your WW met a loser of her own ilk huh? Ditch her and don't feel bad about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## keko

FeelingLost84 said:


> They met online playing video games.


Oh ok.

But still tell the affair to your wife's workplace.


----------



## warlock07

FeelingLost84 said:


> Yeah the reviews on the lawyer really are bad. The lawyer's own website has been down since my friend gave me the number. I'll check on that again on Monday. Going to see my friend tomorrow and I'll ask her about references.
> 
> Yes she has admitted to it being physical (and unprotected).
> 
> Yeah, the OM is still in the picture. Just yesterday I got another look at her phone. They were talking about how happy they were that I'd be one in a few weeks.
> Also I guess the point where I posted about the affair on her Facebook and tagged him seems to have upset him. He stated he wants to punch me.


He is a keyboard warrior. Your wife is not someone worthy enough to be fought over. Let him have her.

If they were talking about when you would leave the country, what made her do the 180 ?


----------



## SadandAngry

warlock07 said:


> He is a keyboard warrior. Your wife is not someone worthy enough to be fought over. Let him have her.
> 
> If they were talking about when you would leave the country, what made her do the 180 ?


I bet the gf caught wind of the fb posting, and OM dropped the wayward like a hot potato!


----------



## bandit.45

In the end who cares why she's vacillating? She is a floozy and OP needs to move forward with dovorce and getting back home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

What is the timeline of the phone messages and what she is telling you now?


----------



## ArmyofJuan

FeelingLost84 said:


> Also I guess the point where I posted about the affair on her Facebook and tagged him seems to have upset him. He stated he wants to punch me.


I'd do it again, his lazy azz isn't going to do anything.


----------



## MattMatt

FeelingLost84 said:


> Yeah the reviews on the lawyer really are bad. The lawyer's own website has been down since my friend gave me the number. I'll check on that again on Monday. Going to see my friend tomorrow and I'll ask her about references.
> 
> Yes she has admitted to it being physical (and unprotected).
> 
> Yeah, the OM is still in the picture. Just yesterday I got another look at her phone. They were talking about how happy they were that I'd be one in a few weeks.
> Also I guess the point where I posted about the affair on her Facebook and tagged him seems to have upset him. He stated he wants to punch me.


Don't know if it is the same under your laws, but in the UK that threat will get him pulled by the police. Report him to the police.


----------



## Acabado

FeelingLost84 said:


> Yeah, the OM is still in the picture. Just yesterday I got another look at her phone. They were talking about how happy they were that I'd be one in a few weeks.
> Also I guess the point where I posted about the affair on her Facebook and tagged him seems to have upset him. He stated he wants to punch me.


What's the timing on those texts, previous to exposure, previous of deporting treats, previous of her epiphany, simultaneus?


----------



## FeelingLost84

Exposure: Tuesday night
Deportation threats: Thursday and Friday
Found her text messages: Friday
Asking me to stay and work on things: Saturday
Found a note asking me to stay: Sunday (this morning)


----------



## Acabado

FeelingLost84 said:


> Exposure: Tuesday night
> Deportation threats: Thursday and Friday
> Found her text messages: Friday
> Asking me to stay and work on things: Saturday
> Found a note asking me to stay: Sunday (this morning)


Thanks. Any way to know whether there's contact since Saturday? Any interest?


----------



## Chaparral

Here is a post you might like to print and give your wife. I am not coming down on the side of R or D since that is something only you can divine. Good luck

*Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly! *


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## warlock07

FeelingLost84 said:


> Exposure: Tuesday night
> Deportation threats: Thursday and Friday
> Found her text messages: Friday
> Asking me to stay and work on things: Saturday
> Found a note asking me to stay: Sunday (this morning)


Do you want to ?


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## bandit.45

Don't go back to her FeelingLost. She got dumped by her OM because you made the affair to much of a hassle for him. You are nothing more than a fallback pan for her. You are her second choice. Is that what you want to be? A doormat? 

Don't even think about getting back with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss

FeelingLost84 said:


> Yeah, the OM is still in the picture. Just yesterday I got another look at her phone. *They were talking about how happy they were that I'd be one in a few weeks.*
> Also I guess the point where I posted about the affair on her Facebook and *tagged him seems to have upset him. He stated he wants to punch me.*





FeelingLost84 said:


> Exposure: Tuesday night
> Deportation threats: Thursday and Friday
> Found her text messages: Friday
> *Asking me to stay and work on things: Saturday*
> *Found a note asking me to stay: Sunday (this morning*)


Did you find out what happened, that switch is too quick, that made her change her thinking in the bold portions?


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## badbane

Listen I know that you have done a lot to try to be with this woman. but she is just using your emotions against you. She is a serial cheater and has been cheating on you for a long time. She hasn't broken off contact with this other guy. I mean seriously you come from overseas and have a hard time acclimating and you pull yourself together and she is going after a guy that doesn't even work. Do you not see the audacity in that. Please man stop loving this woman long enough to see the practical side of things. All it will take is her faking getting harrassed by you and pulling it off (it does happen) and you will be deported. So stop allowing yourself to be tortured by this woman. I do mean to be a little aggressive here. I hope it tingles that little part of your brain that should be white hot and seething with anger and pain. You have to get over the "love" thing and get with it all. You need to break contact with her and at home treat her as a roommate. some one please post the link to the 180. and I wish you the best.


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## FeelingLost84

We have been living in separate rooms. The only room we share now is the kitchen.
The feeling I'm getting from what she is doing right now, is that she is trying to set me up as a backup.

Her latest "idea" was for me to move back to Europe, but stay married to her. That way she could have space to figure things out.

I've told her before and I told her again. The day I get on the plane is the last day she will see or hear from me.


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## Hope1964

FeelingLost84 said:


> We have been living in separate rooms. The only room we share now is the kitchen.
> The feeling I'm getting from what she is doing right now, is that she is trying to set me up as a backup.
> 
> Her latest "idea" was for me to move back to Europe, but stay married to her. That way she could have space to figure things out.
> 
> I've told her before and I told her again. The day I get on the plane is the last day she will see or hear from me.


You do know that her behaviour is that of an unbalanced individual, right? You are still planning on divorcing her and leaving, right?

Of course she's setting you up as her plan B. You already ARE her plan B.

She is seriously whacked.


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## spudster

Fly back home as soon as you get your dog cleared. 

She can't file any judgement against you in the divorce. No alimony to be had because you will be unemployed. There is nothing for the Court to file a lien against. So fly home with a clear conscience. The wounded heart will heal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeelingLost84

I'll have to make sure the divorce is handled first.

Or would I be able to start and handle the divorce from Europe?


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## spudster

You can handle it from Europe. Make her do all the legwork and have her PDF the documents and send them back to her signed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeelingLost84

Her latest idea was to have me move back to Europe without getting a divorce though.
I am not sure trusting her is my best option right now.


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## spudster

FeelingLost84 said:


> Her latest idea was to have me move back to Europe without getting a divorce though.
> I am not sure trusting her is my best option right now.


Then retain an attorney here to represent you. He can represent you ex parte and you can return to Holland.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3putt

FeelingLost84 said:


> Her latest idea was to have me move back to Europe without getting a divorce though.
> *I am not sure trusting her is my best option right now.*


There are understatements, and then there are understatements.


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## warlock07

FeelingLost84 said:


> Her latest idea was to have me move back to Europe without getting a divorce though.
> I am not sure trusting her is my best option right now.



What happened to happily ever after?

Don't tell me you had sex with her?


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## FeelingLost84

I won't pretend I have any clue as to what goes on in her head these days. No idea what happened to happily ever after.
If I had to guess though, it's the big steps towards me leaving that impact her thought process: 
Us discussing the marriage being over.
Me moving into another bedroom.
Me starting to pack my bags.
Just to name a few things that drastically changed her attitude. At least for a period of time.

No, I haven't had sex with her for just over a month now.


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## bandit.45

Don't have sex with her, no matter how much she tries to seduce you. Right now this is the only power she has over you. Don't give her that control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadandAngry

I wonder if INS could help you anull the marriage? Have you talked to a lawyer yet? Maybe try to get a consult with one well versed in immigration and family law. This would be an unusual situation for them, but they should know a lot about the laws and the system.


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## FeelingLost84

I think the stress is affecting my constitution. I am sick for the second time this year. I normally never get sick other than the occasional cold.

Anyway ... She came to me today finally showing remorse. I guess she has been texting some therapist today that the OM told her to talk to. She finally admitted to having any part in the situation we are in now.

Not that that changes anything, but I suppose it's good to have heard her say it.

Afterwards I went out to the pharmacy for medicine and when I came home she was gone. She texted me later saying she would be back tomorrow, was going to the OM's friend's lake house and was about to lose reception ...

One of her friends also texted me saying that she told her to have sex with me tonight ...
Not for the first time. She has been trying to get me to have sex with other women for a while now. One of who is married herself.

She has no respect for marriage, for me or for her friends.


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## BjornFree

Oh man I feel sad for you.

Stop engaging her in any shape or form. If anyone is sick she is. Sick in the head. You'll do much better when she's out of your life forever.


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## FeelingLost84

People keep telling me she has mental issues. It's come up before and is now coming from different people. Friends of hers even.

Bipolar, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and Sex Addiction have been brought up repeatedly.

I'm no psychiatrist and I'm not going to judge on any of that though. 
If it was a sex addiction however I would have imagined having had better sexual experiences with her.


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## spudster

She is mentally ill my friend, and morally bankrupt. You need to distance yourself emotionally and as physically as possible. It sounds like the whole crowd she hangs out with are a bunch of hedonistic ingrates. What a pathetic person she is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeelingLost84

She keeps trying to call/text me. Says she's afraid to come home in case I'm angry.

I've been ignoring all her messages and calls. Right now the only thing I feel for her is disgust and I have no desire to talk to her.

The medicine I'm taking is throwing me off a little. Feeling drowsy and distant. Though the feeling of distance might just be caused by the whole situation. Not sure. Definitely not feeling well though.

As I'm writing this she just texted me she is coming home.

Any suggestions on how to deal with this?


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## bandit.45

I thought she was staying at the OM's place this weekend. Did he tire of her crap?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel

FeelingLost84 said:


> Any suggestions on how to deal with this?


Ignore her, get the divorce over with ASAP, and just bail on that entire situation. That woman sounds like an emotional vampire who is sucking the life force out of you and will use your bones to pick her teeth.


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## FeelingLost84

She went with him to his friend's lake house last night sent me a message she would be back some time today.

I had asked her to at least wait until I was gone but I guess she couldn't even give me that much.


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## BobSimmons

FeelingLost84 said:


> She went with him to his friend's lake house last night sent me a message she would be back some time today.
> 
> I had asked her to at least wait until I was gone but I guess she couldn't even give me that much.


Don't quite understand what's going on? She's still going to OM's and you're letting it? Why?

Do you still want to be with her? Why?

She keeps sleeping with him and you know it? What are you doing about it?

I don't understand you mate. Do you like the feeling of being a cuckold? Standing idly by and taking no action?


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## FeelingLost84

I definitely don't want to be with her anymore

I am just waiting until my dogs are ready to fly so I can get out of here.


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## jim123

Ask her to move out until you can go. You do not deserve what she is doing to you.


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## Hardtohandle

Feelinglost 

I understand the pain your going through. Trust me it will make you stronger to see how despicable this person you thought loved you can be.

My wife got an apartment with the OM before I even went to the lawyers office. For the last 3 months she been taking my youngest to be with her and the OM at the apartment. 

It is amazing how some people were raised to have no remorse or respect for another human being. But sadly this is the true person your seeing. This is the person your wife tried to hide from you when you met and dated. 

I understand you love the dogs as I just about had several dogs all my life growing up. I have one now as well for my kids, but without a doubt if that is what holding you up. I would have fvcking cut them loose and moved on with my life. But I understand either way.

No words I say can magically make you feel better. All I can say is it does get better, you just need to have the patience to see it all through..


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## Shaggy

Why don't you post on FB that your wife went on an over night f-me date with the OM?

She's slapping you hard in the face, why aren't you continuing to expose. Right now you are living in a one sided open marriage.


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## Shaggy

Pack her clothes into garbage bags and put them outside.

Even she seems to think you should be angry and livid with her


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## FeelingLost84

She won't move out because she has nowhere to go. The OM lives with his girlfriend and roommate.
She also doesn't trust me with her stuff. (Everything in this house is 100% hers in her mind)


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## Acabado

FeelingLost84 said:


> If it was a sex addiction however I would have imagined having had better sexual experiences with her.


Completely unrelated. Sex addiction is not even about promiscuity even it invilves acting out sexually in her particular fashion. Far from the mark.


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## Shaggy

And you aren't on the phone to his gf right now why?


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## Jasel

Shaggy said:


> And you aren't on the phone to his gf right now why?


If he's determined to leave his wife and she's as crazy as he's been claiming he should save all the evidence and expose to her when he's halfway out the door.


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## MattMatt

Shaggy said:


> And you aren't on the phone to his gf right now why?


:iagree:


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## JustSomeGuyWho

Acabado said:


> Completely unrelated. Sex addiction is not even about promiscuity even it invilves acting out sexually in her particular fashion. Far from the mark.


I don't think she has a sex addiction. I think she has a low moral standard and little self-esteem. She upgraded (in her mind) because she could and doesn't really care how you feel about it.


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## BobSimmons

So dude lives with his girlfriend and bangs your lady and you sit idly by
A) letting it happen (yes you're leaving but you're still allowing it to happen)
B) Does this poor woman know what her man is doing? Most likely having sex with your wife then going home to her? Have you told her?


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## The bishop

I feel for you.... You need to take back control of your own life since you WW totally controls you and it must suck.  The girlfriend needs to know the truth, it might not matter to you, but the girl deserves at least a chance. 

If you took back control, kicked her out, filed (unless you already have), exposed the affair, go dark or show strength when dealing with her.... You could at least start to heal and your W could feel some of the anxiety that she is forcing on you. 

I still haven't seen one BS who started to gain self confidence and stop acting afraid regret it.

I haven't read through your whole thread so if you haven't seen a lawyer do so.... Not to be mean but get a backbone and start enjoying life again.... Good luck to you!!


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