# He says he'll stop drinking once we have kids...



## broomgirl (Jun 23, 2013)

Hi all,

My fiance is a very heavy drinker. As in, he drinks about 4 or 5 bottles of wine per week, plus a few beers. We were talking last night and marriage and starting a family. I expressed my concerns about his drinking. I told him I didn't want to bring children into an environment where their father drank heavily most nights of the week. 

He told me that once we have children, he will cut his drinking right back (to just a couple of drinks per week). He then dropped a bombshell: apparently the reason why he drinks so much is because he feels he has "nothing to live for". But if we have children, he'll feel like his life would have meaning, and he wouldn't get drunk anymore. 

The thing is, I just don't know whether I can trust him to hold to his promise about cutting back his drinking. I believe that his intentions are good, and that he truly intends to stop once we have children. But my concern is, what if he can't? What if we have children, and things get stressful, and he starts drinking heavily again?

What do you guys think? Is it possible for people to completely change their unhealthy habits (eg heavy drinking, smoking, etc) once children arrive? Can he change? Should I agree to have his babies and just hope for the best?


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

No.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

broomgirl said:


> Hi all,
> 
> My fiance is a very heavy drinker. As in, he drinks about 4 or 5 bottles of wine per week, plus a few beers. We were talking last night and marriage and starting a family. I expressed my concerns about his drinking. I told him I didn't want to bring children into an environment where their father drank heavily most nights of the week.
> 
> ...


DO NOT have children with this man, your greatest fears will become your reality.*.If he is serious about changing his life, he will do it well BEFORE you conceive a child...the thought, the hope, the anticipated JOY of new life will be enough to motivate him, if not.... what is it really worth to him?

Lived actions speak...NOT WORDS...those are easy ....excuses abundant...*

He sounds depressed , and drowning his sorrows in liquor...what happened to him in his life to bring him to this place? Having you by his side...not enough to be thankful for, having something to live for? 

I had a Step Father who drowned himself in Booze, he never changed, what happened to him...Racing in his youth, he the driver, his best friend/ cousin said "Step on it Palsy" and he wrecked the car, he lived ...his best friend died & he had a wife & kids...

So he started to drink to ease the pain...he never stopped... even drunk, if you mentioned his cousin's name, he'd start to cry...he couldn't handle the guilt. ....He died in his early 60's of his liver failing, his body doubled in size, I didn't see him, Just heard about it...... Very very sad, seeing what my mother lived through, I would never even date a Man who drank...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Don't hold your breath
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Very doubtful that he will change.

People show you or tell you who they are - YOU have to look and listen and realize it.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

He has nothing to live for really? What about his life with you? 

Children are not going to give him a purpose in life whether he believes that or not.The trials of raising children could make his drinking worse bc he obviously uses that as an escape.

He needs to devote himself to AA meetings,get some help for his depression,and then MAYBE revisit the babies talk again at some point.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

broomgirl said:


> Hi all,
> 
> My fiance is a very heavy drinker. As in, he drinks about 4 or 5 bottles of wine per week, plus a few beers. We were talking last night and marriage and starting a family. I expressed my concerns about his drinking. I told him I didn't want to bring children into an environment where their father drank heavily most nights of the week.
> 
> ...



OP,

RUN FROM THIS MAN.

Not only would he continue his heavy drinking, there's no telling what his alcoholism would lead to.
Alcoholics are not in control of themselves, and there are two very likely ways this could possibly go after marriage.

1] Domestic violence cycle where he beats you whenever he's drunk, apologizes when he gets sober, then slip back to the alcohol because he's addicted to it.
2] Extramarital affairs .


If he really loved you more than the alcohol , then he would have been willing to give it up _before _marriage and kids.

He's an alcoholic in denial and needs professional help, 
Alcoholism is a disease.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

RUN!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

ScarletBegonias said:


> He has nothing to live for really? What about his life with you?
> 
> Children are not going to give him a purpose in life whether he believes that or not.The trials of raising children could make his drinking worse bc he obviously uses that as an escape.
> 
> He needs to devote himself to AA meetings,get some help for his depression,and then MAYBE revisit the babies talk again at some point.


I'm with this... In addition, if he's depending on anyone else (you, kids, his mother, etc) to make him happy, he's in big trouble. 

C


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

The stress which can be brought on by having a family and more responsibilities will make him MORE likely to drink, not LESS. Period.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Europeans drink that much in a week and it's not a big deal.

That said...

What you should be more worried about is his statement of having 'nothing to live for'. He's a depressed person who needs help if this is how he truly feels. Having children won't change how he feels about himself.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> *Europeans drink that much in a week and it's not a big deal.*
> 
> That said...
> 
> What you should be more worried about is his statement of having 'nothing to live for'. He's a depressed person who needs help if this is how he truly feels. Having children won't change how he feels about himself.


Seriously? It's no big deal to get drunk?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

committed4ever said:


> Seriously? It's no big deal to get drunk?


Where does it say he gets drunk?


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Drinking that amount regularly does not usually result in drunkenness over here. Drinking 2 bottles of wine in one go is different.

I probably drink that much over the course of a week and it causes me no problems at all. I doubt it is all that good for my liver, though!

That said, if he is making promises about cutting down his drinking then it clearly is causing the OP or him (or both) a problem and that does need to be addressed.

I think the OP would be mad to go ahead and have children without resolving this issue first.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Where does it say he gets drunk?


It doesn't, but if he's putting away 4-5 bottles of wine, plus a few beers per week, he's either drunk on a few of those nights, or he's built up a hell of a tolerance. Either way, sounds like he has a problem.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

The amount doesn't worry me as much as the statement he made worries me.The fact that he's drinking bc he has nothing to live for is the statement of an alcoholic and someone who is severely depressed.

I wouldn't consider leaving him at this point if he's a good husband other than his problem.Give him a chance to get well first.If he shows he can overcome this then he's worth keeping in your life. It's going to be YEARS before you should trust him enough to have children with him though.He needs to be on that wagon and stay on it.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

broomgirl said:


> Hi all,
> 
> My fiance is a very heavy drinker. As in, he drinks about 4 or 5 bottles of wine per week, plus a few beers. We were talking last night and marriage and starting a family. I expressed my concerns about his drinking. I told him I didn't want to bring children into an environment where their father drank heavily most nights of the week.
> 
> ...


While anything is possible the statistics are against you. I am the son of an alcoholic. Please do not bring a child into this world with an alcoholic. Why would you want to? You deserve better and so does your children.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

thunderstruck said:


> It doesn't, but if he's putting away 4-5 bottles of wine, plus a few beers per week, he's either drunk on a few of those nights, or he's built up a hell of a tolerance. Either way, sounds like he has a problem.


A bottle of wine a day isn't going to get you drunk. Maybe in a couple hours, yes, but it doesn't say he's doing all of that in this post.

I'm not one to jump to conclusions about his drinking. It didn't seem to bother the OP enough to turn down a marriage proposal.

His problem is his self image and lack of love for life. Drinking is how he deals with it.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

broomgirl, everyone here has given you good advice. If his life isn't worth living now, then why would it be different when he has kids? Up all night with a baby crying, you giving your attention to a new born while he feels left out, the added financial and other responsibilities that a family bring - all these things will give him more excuses why he will need to drink.

He is self medicating depression with a depressant - and making excuses for it. I know it is really hard to look at a relationship with your head when your heart is so involved, but please look at your life 5, 10 or 15 years down the road - if he doesn't stop drinking. You have a much higher chance of that happening than him quitting you giving you the man, and life, you want.

I am truly sorry, but please consider moving on.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> OP,
> 
> RUN FROM THIS MAN.
> 
> ...


OP. These were my thoughts almost exactly! You should take a step back from this relationship and since you care about him, tell him to get some serious help.
It is your choice if you want to wait for him to get better, but if he doesn't take corrective action and you stay with him, I think your life could be a living hell.

I am speaking from experience, I was a child of alcoholics.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Broomgirl I read your other posts. Do you still feel like you are settling? Can you picture yourself with this man 20 year down the road? Would you be happy?

How will help with the raise the kids with his weight problems? Will you end up taking care of him AND the kids?


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Where does it say he gets drunk?


In her other post she call him a functional alcoholic.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> A bottle of wine a day isn't going to get you drunk. Maybe in a couple hours, yes, but it doesn't say he's doing all of that in this post.
> 
> His problem is his self image and lack of love for life. Drinking is how he deals with it.


Sure, depending on his weight and how far he spaces out that bottle each night, he may not be stumbling drunk around the house.

With that said, if you have to self-soothe by putting away a bottle of wine on a daily basis, IMHO you have a drinking problem.

I grew up with an alcoholic father, so I'd run like hell from someone like this.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> A bottle of wine a day isn't going to get you drunk. Maybe in a couple hours, yes, but it doesn't say he's doing all of that in this post.
> 
> I'm not one to jump to conclusions about his drinking. It didn't seem to bother the OP enough to turn down a marriage proposal.
> 
> His problem is his self image and lack of love for life. Drinking is how he deals with it.



I someone "WANTS" to change then they can.

I gave up smoking after 30+ years (all though I never smoked in the house / car with the kids). Before I was married I would think nothing of going down the pub / club every night of a home leave but now I might go all month without visiting a pub.

What really gets me is not that the OP worries if her partner will stick to the changes he has said that he will make its more the fact that so many people find someone, decide to settle down together, set about changing that person and then wonder why it all goes wrong.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Do you value yourself that much less than your future children?

Why is it bad for a child to be raised by a drunk but not bad for you to marry a drunk?

Children, marriage and responsibilities are stressful. They cause you to drink MORE not LESS.

A man who cannot be a good husband to his wife cannot be a good father to his children.

A woman who brings a child into a bad marriage or gives a child a bad father is a terrible mother.

Don't think about yourself and your man, think about the innocent children who have no say here and the risk you are taking with them.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Wiltshireman said:


> What really gets me is not that the OP worries if her partner will stick to the changes he has said that he will make its more the fact that *so many people find someone, decide to settle down together, set about changing that person and then wonder why it all goes wrong*.


:iagree:

She said yes. She didn't have to, especially if she has such a problem with his 'functional alcoholism'. 

He's a very disturbed person aside from the drinking. That's the biggest red flag for me. I wouldn't want to tie my life to such a person.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Dont bet your life on it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hawkeye (Oct 6, 2012)

I will never be able to understand why people think having kids will solve their problems. Never.


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## Brendalee (Jun 11, 2013)

Please don't do this to your future kids.

I remember once seeing a photo of my parents before marriage, they looked so normal. 

I never knew them like that. EVER. 

My childhood was a nightmare, please don't do this to someone. Your husband has a problem, I guarantee you will be here years from now talking about whether or not you should leave, your worries about your children. 

You know what he is, and you have received fair & likely warning of what is to come. 

From here on out, what happens to your children WILL BE ON YOU.

I know this is hard despite my harshness, but do the right thing or love him so much you will get sterilized. You likely want a family, deservedly so. So find a suitable father, not a known alcoholic. He will only get worse. 

I wish I could give you a glimpse inside my head of what my childhood was like, you wouldn't hesitate to run. PM me and I'll share some. 

Best, Brenda


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## silentghost (Jan 28, 2013)

Being a medic....I've come across people who believed that having kids will change everything for the better. It rarely ever does....matter in fact....it magnifies the problem....and I bet your man will be drinking more....because of the stress level that kids bring into the relationship. 
Please....do not kids into the world where a parent is an alcoholic....it's just not fair for your children


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I was married to a guy who drank regularly. Had a kid with him. Left after a year. Every time I left my baby with his dad, even for me to take a 5 minute shower the kid would get hurt. Rolling off the sofa and hitting his head on a table, going over to the kitchen cupboard and pull out a glass pan which shattered near his bare feet, touching the hot oven door. I had to act like a sheepdog in my own house trying to guard my baby against his dad, who would insist he was a good dad and should be able to watch his kid too, and always a beer in his hand and a real bore at dinner parties, drinking and telling the same jokes a second time, or a third. 

Go ahead and get married and have kids. Later your kids will ask you, what were you thinking Mom? That was a truly bad choice, why can't I have a dad who can connect with me and not be drinking?

My son had a guardian ad litem who had the parenting plan written that his dad would not drink when he was with his (my) son.

By the way, my son is kind to his dad, and gets along with him. But has very low expectations. He had a therapist (male) when he was 16. I think he had a tough time, but developed good male mentors at his school and frequently met them for coffee, etc. Also he had friends who came from families that were dysfunctional but intact, so saw how it could be with a father in the home, and understood I did my best after using bad judgement to begin with.


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

Demand that he is weaned first, before any children enter the family.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Reading your other posts I think that your fiance has strong points as well as weak points.

I would tell him that you like the fact that he is faithful and commited, would never cheat on you, is intelligent, has a good job, likes children and animals, is gentle and shares your interests.
Then I would tell him that you do want him to could his drinking back before you are pregnant because you feel protective of your children to be. Tell him, that you will do everything to assist him if he needs help with that.

He drinks only on the weekends because he feels he has nothing to live for, nothing to do? Encourage him to find a hobby, the two of you could do something together.

Tell him that he is not alone in this, and that you believe in him but you want him to cut back his drinking now - not later.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

He won't change. He has an addiction which is a disease.

Don't marry this man. There is no way you can change him or help him become a better man. You will be living a life of misery if you go through with it. Also, your top priority is to protect your children(future). I've known alcoholics who drove drunk with their children in the car. How can anyone be so selfish and put other lives in danger like that. Plus every time he gets behind that wheel, he's putting innocent strangers at risk and could kill them from drinking and driving.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

I have to respectfully disagree with those here calling alcoholism a disease. Cancer, liver failure and other maladies by the excessive consumption of alcoholic beverages are diseases. Drinking excessive amounts of alcohol is due to a addiction which is a choice. alcoholism is a selfish, destructive choice which has no place in a healthy marriage.

OP,

With alcoholics you really only have two choices. Either he quits the booze entirely and gets help or you divorce him and find another man that doesn't drown his problems in booze. It's really that black and white.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Sanity, alcoholism is classified as a disease because it is a treatable, systemic health problem with a predictable course. There are genetic factors that are different in an alcoholic than a non-alcoholic. Specifically, one that I remember from my counseling days is that in a non-alcoholic, the alcohol is broken down into basically vinegar and water and then eliminated from the body. However, in an alcoholic, it breaks down into three substances - vinegar, water, and a byproduct known as THIQ (tetrahydroisoquinoline, I believe was the full word, but I might have a few letters wrong). This THIQ is very similar to opium in its chemical makeup. Bottom line, though, alcoholism IS a disease. It's not simply a matter of willpower or choice, and you are doing a grave disservice by claiming it is. 

However, as with a disease like diabetes or heart failure, a person certainly does have a responsibility to get treatment or live with the disease. The disease of alcoholism certainly is destructive and as you also said, has no place in a healthy marriage. 

OP, your husband can look forward to those children now as "something to live for." However, what you're hearing is a way to justify continuing to drink, and once the kids are there he'll develop other ways to justify it. Father Tom, a famous speaker on alcoholism, described it something like this: "Why does an alcoholic drink? They drink because their favorite sports team won, and they drink because their favorite sports team lost." Instead of not having something to live for, kids will give your husband something he needs to escape from.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

A bottle of wine a night, most nights a week?

Ok, first thing: RUN!

Want to know what that does to a liver? Kills it. 

He needs AA. Not because he needs to stop drinking for his future kids if he is lucky, but because he needs to stop before he kills himself. Liver failure is not a pleasant way to go. Trust me on this one. 


Also, don't think marriage changes a man. 
When I got married, my wife didn't like my steroid use. I didn't care. Before we married, IF she had told me it was either her or my steroids, at the time, I don't know if I would have married her in all honesty. 
I used steroids before she met me. I used them when we dated. I used them after we were married. I didn't change. 

This guy drank before you met him. He is drinking while you two are dating. Don't expect that to change when you marry or have kids.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> Sanity, alcoholism is classified as a disease because it is a treatable, systemic health problem with a predictable course. There are genetic factors that are different in an alcoholic than a non-alcoholic. Specifically, one that I remember from my counseling days is that in a non-alcoholic, the alcohol is broken down into basically vinegar and water and then eliminated from the body. However, in an alcoholic, it breaks down into three substances - vinegar, water, and a byproduct known as THIQ (tetrahydroisoquinoline, I believe was the full word, but I might have a few letters wrong). This THIQ is very similar to opium in its chemical makeup. Bottom line, though, alcoholism IS a disease. It's not simply a matter of willpower or choice, and you are doing a grave disservice by claiming it is.
> 
> However, as with a disease like diabetes or heart failure, a person certainly does have a responsibility to get treatment or live with the disease. The disease of alcoholism certainly is destructive and as you also said, has no place in a healthy marriage.
> 
> OP, your husband can look forward to those children now as "something to live for." However, what you're hearing is a way to justify continuing to drink, and once the kids are there he'll develop other ways to justify it. Father Tom, a famous speaker on alcoholism, described it something like this: "Why does an alcoholic drink? They drink because their favorite sports team won, and they drink because their favorite sports team lost." Instead of not having something to live for, kids will give your husband something he needs to escape from.


I have to disagree. No gene or disease makes people hit the local gas station, bar or liquor store. Labeling it a disease takes the responsibility away from the alcoholic. They are CHOOSING to visit these places, purchase the alcohol and consume it. No feelings, upbringing and/or genes are responsible for making this decision no more than me deciding to hit the drive through at McDonald's and get fat. 

Do I believe some people are prone to addictions? Yes, but to hide behind the veil of disease is a crutch for folks who decide to drink their problems away. 

As you might have guessed, I have zero sympathy for drunks. Quit the booze and cope with your problems in healthy ways.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'll quit drinking after we have kids? That's a lot like "I'll quit having sex with other women after we get married." If his level of drinking makes him an unfit father, doesn't it make him an unfit husband? Some future child he's never met deserves a sober, responsible, man but you don't?
Here's what will happen. Child will arrive and the promise will change to "when the kid is old enough to notice" and then it'll change to "when the kid is old enough to go to school" and "when the kid gets out of college", then, "before our grandchildren get here." You get the idea? If he's serious about stopping and he's able to, he'll do it now. If he can't or won't, I wouldn't be adding any children to this sad equation.


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## LoveLonely (Dec 8, 2013)

I did not read every post in this thread, so I may duplicate some information. I have personal knowledge and experience with what I am about to tell you.

He may be very SINCERE with what he is telling you. However, there are things you BOTH need to know and understand. Talk with a qualified psychologist to get confirmation of what I am telling you.

When someone drinks to help them deal with problems, that is a problem.

It doesn't matter how great someone's life is, or how bad someone's life is. It has NOTHING to do with whether or not they become an alcoholic. That may sound absurd, and it was very difficult for me to understand.

It is very simple. Regardless of how good someone's life is, or how bad someone's life is, they both need to choose to use alcohol responsibly. That means, 90-95% of the time (or more) they have about 1 drink per hour. 2 or 3 is usually enough. 4 is sometimes okay but should not be the norm.

Examples: If someone has a couple of drinks 3 times a week, and this has 4 drinks one time, that is okay.

If someone has a drink or two almost every day, that is okay.

If someone has zero drinks all week, but then has five drinks, that is not okay.

When someone doesn't abide by the guidelines set above, they gradually build up a higher tolerance to alcohol. That means that it takes more alcohol (even though the BAC rises) in order for them to feel the effects of the alcohol.

A higher tolerance is a very dangerous thing! A low tolerance to alcohol is natural.

Here is the danger: when one keeps drinking more alcohol, they will eventually hit their trigger level. When they hit their trigger level, they have in effect, become an alcoholic. When one hasn't yet hit their trigger level, they are not yet an alcoholic. They need to IMMEDIATELY return to responsible drinking, or even quit drinking for a while (weeks, maybe a month or two) to lower their tolerance. This is actually a very, very good thing. Finally, the person who drinks too much (but hasn't yet become an alcoholic), can enjoy alcohol again like a regular person. It is a very pleasant experience that has been forgotten by those with higher tolerances to alcohol. This is a win/win situation. A person can then drink responsibly, and enjoy the drink too. 

What is even MORE dangerous about all of this is that everyone's trigger levels are different. Some are very low; some are very high. A person who does not drink responsibly almost all of the time is flirting with disaster. They WILL become an alcoholic. It may take several years, or it may happen very soon. One simply can't know. If their is a history of alcoholism in the biological family, those are goop indicators that one would hit their trigger level much sooner, but it is a guessing game.

Remember, someone with a higher tolerance is simply not capable of both drinking responsibly AND feeling the effects. It simply takes too much alcohol for them to feel the effects. 

So here is my advice: if this man is serious, I recommend that he stops drinking NOW for at least one month. Then, drink RESPONSIBLY. No more than one drink per hour. No more than 2 or 3 drinks a day. An OCCASIONAL 4th drink is okay. Don't drink everyday. I am certain a qualified psychologist would agree with most of this advice. If their advice varies, listen to THEM and not me.

If he is not capable of quitting drinking for only a month, then you may have a far larger problem. And in closing, life can be awesome or it can totally suck. Regardless, alcohol can NOT be used to deal with problems. Fortunately, for many people who do this, it has been a very gradual process. Taking very similar advice as what I have given, can quickly return them to being responsible drinkers who can enjoy alcohol.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

In my opinion, he needs help. If he's drinking because he has nothing to live for, then what are you? Why aren't you enough to live for? Why isn't his life enough to live for? He sounds seriously depressed and before you guys get married and have kids, he needs help. Absolutely do not bring kids into the picture in that environment.


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## LoveLonely (Dec 8, 2013)

Juicer said:


> He needs AA..


I want to carefully and respectfully comment on this, and keep in mind the greater context of this discussion.

First off, the man in this thread needs help. Serious help. Further, some things need to be fixed before this woman proceeds any further. No argument there whatsoever.

I learned something about AA from a qualified psychologist. First off, AA can be a very good program for many people. We should admire them for their work, and admire those who put forth the efforts to go through their programs.

With that being said, AA is NOT for everyone. Instead of AA, I would FIRST recommend the advice of a qualified psychologist with knowledge on alcoholism. 

Why? Because, in layman's terms, an alcoholic is someone who has passed their trigger level and has become addicted to alcohol in the same way that someone has become addicted to tobacco, or other drugs. If someone hasn't passed their trigger level, and become addicted to alcohol, AA can actually be worse for them.

I would have never believed it myself. AA is a good organization and is also part of our popular culture. As a whole, we TRUST in them yet many (including myself) know very little about the specifics of their work. 

To the original poster, all I want to say is, before you check into AA, talk with a psychologist who specializes in alcoholism. 

I hope I didn't step on any toes.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> OP,
> 
> RUN FROM THIS MAN.
> 
> ...


Seconded. I'll add to the list above, both extramarital affairs and domestic violence together. And I'll add not coming home for a few days every so often.

I've seen all of this happen.

Run from this man. Do NOT have a child with him.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Good God.

Give this poor bastard a break.

Just because someone is a 'drunk' doesn't mean they are going to beat their wives, cheat, trash the house, go out every single night to pubs, drink and drive or disappear for days.

Christ you people are harsh.

Yes, just run. Run away from this man as quickly as humanly possible who will be truly devastated because he loves you very much. Abandom him, take all the money and all the furniture and everything from him.

Just do it. Unlove him and kick him to the kerb.

Edit to add: I come from Australia. Everyone drinks. Therefore everyone is a 'drunk'.
.


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## broomgirl (Jun 23, 2013)

Forever Changed said:


> Good God.
> 
> Give this poor bastard a break.
> 
> ...


Forever Changed, thank you for your post. I am from Australia also (probably should have mentioned that in my original post). I suspect our attitudes towards alcohol are somewhat more "relaxed" than in the USA, where most posters are from. My fiance is NOT a violent or unfaithful man and I agree that alcohol doesn't automatically turn everyone into cheater and wife-beaters. 

That said, his drinking levels are an issue for me. He is a responsible drinking, in the sense that he NEVER drives drunk. He rarely gets hangovers, and never misses work because of his drinking. However, I do think it affects his health (he is very overweight) and it also causes him to lose motivation. When he's drinking, all he wants to do is laze around on the couch listening to music. 

I agree with posters who have suggested he is depressed. I have urged him to see a counselor, and he has said "Maybe". I guess that's a start...

I would like to help him, rather than leave him. We have been together for seven years. I am 32 and he is in his early 40s. If I was to leave him now, I feel like I would have stolen his "window" for having children. I mean, it's unlikely that he would meet anyone else in time to have a family (unless he meets someone like me, who is 10 years younger, etc). 

He has also told me that there is no one else for him, but me. And also that I am the best thing that's ever happened to him, and that he'd be completely lost without me. Bringing kids into the relationship as it stands right now seems irresponsible... but breaking up with him would shatter my fiance. And I'd really hate to do that to him. 

One more thing, when we started dating, he was a pack-a-week smoker. Had been for years. But he gave up smoking cold turkey because he knew I didn't like it. Hasn't had a cigarette since. So I was hoping he might be able to do the same with alcohol once kids arrive. But from the responses, perhaps this is overly optimistic?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

broomgirl said:


> Forever Changed, thank you for your post. I am from Australia also (probably should have mentioned that in my original post). I suspect our attitudes towards alcohol are somewhat more "relaxed" than in the USA, where most posters are from. My fiance is NOT a violent or unfaithful man and I agree that alcohol doesn't automatically turn everyone into cheater and wife-beaters.
> 
> That said, his drinking levels are an issue for me. He is a responsible drinking, in the sense that he NEVER drives drunk. He rarely gets hangovers, and never misses work because of his drinking. However, I do think it affects his health (he is very overweight) and it also causes him to lose motivation. When he's drinking, all he wants to do is laze around on the couch listening to music.
> 
> ...


So why hasn't he given up drinking for you, or at least cut it back significantly?

And to me, the bigger problem is the "nothing to live for" comment...

C


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Europeans drink that much in a week and it's not a big deal.


I have several European friends. *Only ONE *drinks like that; she's an alcoholic who is unhappy in her marriage. Sound familiar, OP?


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

PBear said:


> And to me, the bigger problem is the "nothing to live for" comment...
> 
> C


that's right... you can't be someone's "only thing to live for..."

It's too much pressure and although it seems romantic in the movies it is more parasitic when it happens in real life. You won't be able to bear up under the pressure and eventually you will grow to resent him and his neediness...


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## LoveLonely (Dec 8, 2013)

Cultures may be different, but our biology is the same. One drink an hour. No more than 2 or 3 a day. An occasional 4th drink is okay. Anything more than that builds tolerance. Higher tolerance means it takes more alcohol (a higher BAC) to feel the same effects and gradually moves one towards their unknown trigger point. When that trigger point is reached, they become addicted to alcohol and become an alcoholic. Drinking is great: nothing wrong with it. This is simply how our minds and bodies react to alcohol. Take my advice: have him stop drinking for a month or maybe more. Then he can enjoy alcohol in the method I prescribed. It will feel the same, but it will be less alcohol thus saving money, saving his body, and preventing alcoholism. And to repeat, he can NOT use alcohol to deal with problems. (Take all that saved money and invest in sex toys and a play dungeon...lol) Okay, I am finished lecturing.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

broomgirl said:


> Forever Changed, thank you for your post. I am from Australia also (probably should have mentioned that in my original post). I suspect our attitudes towards alcohol are somewhat more "relaxed" than in the USA, where most posters are from. My fiance is NOT a violent or unfaithful man and I agree that alcohol doesn't automatically turn everyone into cheater and wife-beaters.
> 
> That said, his drinking levels are an issue for me. He is a responsible drinking, in the sense that he NEVER drives drunk. He rarely gets hangovers, and never misses work because of his drinking. However, I do think it affects his health (he is very overweight) and it also causes him to lose motivation. When he's drinking, all he wants to do is laze around on the couch listening to music.
> 
> ...


If you're determined to stay in this relationship you have to let go of your expectations of him doing this or that. He's going to do what he wants to do and all you can do is ask him to stop. If he does, great. If he doesn't, it's his choice. It's been his choice all along.

Bring kids into this if you want to, but it's not going to promise any change on his part. Something in him is off. He needs help you can't give him. Accept him as he is or walk away, those are your options here.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Based on his comments about nothing to live for, I would worry about him being suicidal at some point. Bringing children into a relationship in which their father feels like checking out isn't responsible at all. It's doing a child a huge disservice and cheating them from a healthy home and parental unit.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

I do despair at all the poster who seem to think anyone who drinks is an alcoholic, as for this no more than 4 drinks a day talk that would not get you through a decent restaurant meal.

An aperitif with the starter,
A glass of white with the fish course,
A full bodied red with the roast beef,
A fruity rose with the desert,
A good port with the cheese,

Then outside from brandy and a cigar.

If you did it every day you would be the size of well how say I say (an average American lol) but on a special occasion why not.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Wiltshireman the European has spoken :smthumbup:


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Sanity said:


> I have to disagree. No gene or disease makes people hit the local gas station, bar or liquor store. Labeling it a disease takes the responsibility away from the alcoholic. They are CHOOSING to visit these places, purchase the alcohol and consume it. No feelings, upbringing and/or genes are responsible for making this decision no more than me deciding to hit the drive through at McDonald's and get fat.
> 
> Do I believe some people are prone to addictions? Yes, but to hide behind the veil of disease is a crutch for folks who decide to drink their problems away.
> 
> As you might have guessed, I have zero sympathy for drunks. Quit the booze and cope with your problems in healthy ways.


No, the genes don't make them pull up at a gas station. What the genes do is interfere with their brain functioning. Impaired brain function leads them to stop and buy that booze. 

Calling it a disease doesn't take responsibility from the addict! A diabetic has a responsibility to avoid sugar and take insulin in order to treat their disease, and an alcoholic has a responsibility to avoid alcohol and learn new ways of thinking to treat theirs. If a diabetic eats cake and refuses to take insulin that's been prescribed, this doesn't mean they no longer have a disease!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Wiltshireman said:


> I do despair at all the poster who seem to think anyone who drinks is an alcoholic, as for this no more than 4 drinks a day talk that would not get you through a decent restaurant meal.
> 
> An aperitif with the starter,
> A glass of white with the fish course,
> ...


The basis for whether someone is an alcoholic or not isn't based on how much they drink. 

It's based on whether they continue using even when they know it's going to cause problems for them, or whether they're ignoring their basic responsibilities and relationships in order to have their drug of choice.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Suicidal comments and binge drinking seem to be two sides of the same coin. Like most substance abusers, he values his drug more than anything or anyone else. The suicidal comments are likely his way of shutting you up if you complain about the drinking. It's a maturity problem and a selfishness problem. "This is who I am. Get used to it. There is no serious partnering or compromise in me and if you push me, I'll pull the pin on this grenade. It's my world and you can walk on egg shells."


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