# Married to OCD



## elouise11 (Feb 28, 2014)

My husband has OCD. We got married in our early twenties and had been together for 5 years. I knew that he had a history of OCD which he said started and ended on his early teens. Since he did not struggle with it the entire time we were together, I didn't worry about it. After getting married 2 years ago, his OCD seemed to come back full swing after over 10 years with no issues. He doesn't have OCD in the sense of cleaning too much or organization. His OCD revolves around worries about my safety and his relationships. For example, every time he goes over a bump in the road, he panics thinking he hit a person. The fear is that if he hits a person, he'll go to jail and be away from me, so he will panic or drive around the block multiple times to make sure it wasn't a person. That's just one example of these irrational fears and behaviors. Others have to do with locks, light switches, conversations with friends he is afraid of offending, etc. 

My biggest concern is that he refuses to get help. He constantly looks to me for validation or to talk through his fears. Nobody else in his life knows about his OCD but me so I feel really alone. He wants me to be the one he talks through his worries with. He refuses to get professional help because he thinks he will be put into a governmental database and his rights like gun ownership taken away down the road. I'm at my wits end. I think my role needs to be his wife- to support him, love him, encourage him, and experience life with him. I can't be his counselor because it is really damaging our relationship. I find myself viewing him as a child I need to take care of or a friend than my husband. Are there any suggestions out there for spouses with mental health issues they refuse to get treatment for??
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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

I am sorry no one has replied to your thread yet. But better late then never I guess. 

There are many great medications out there for OCD. My H has OCD. He is strongly against taking medication. So he only took meds for 3 months, which were the best 3 months of my life. 

A therapist can also help with that. The T that my H and I have has helped him considerably. HE still has issues, but not like he did. At least now they are more manageable. My H is afraid that something catastrophic is going to happen to him so hoards money. Which doesn't sound like a terrible thing unless we are doing with out and starving NOW in order to have money when he gets hit by a bus.

He has issues with order and having a schedule of events. Vacations are terrible for him because there is so much unscheduled time. If I make it a point to tell him we will get up at 7 am, eat and be done with breakfast by 9 am and have lunch at 12 :30 pm at least that gives him a schedule of sorts. 

My H has to have so much gas in the car, and the car has to be spotless. The house has to be very clean, and I can't mess his space up. We have learned that he is ok if we close doors so he can't see mess. We have learned that he has his very own super clean space and if he has a need for cleanliness then he can go to his space. 

I have stopped doing a lot of things for him. Water spots and regular spots on the hard wood floors bother him. When he had to start cleaning it daily after work he realized it was no fun. Instead of me doing it for him and driving me crazy, and me trying to have things perfect for him so he wouldn't have a melt own, The T suggested I let him do it and eventually it would not be so important.

I don't know if any of this is helpful. The T has been a huge help. Maybe that would be a better option then a psychiatrist. Which is he afraid to see a P doc or a T. It would be nice if he would see one or the other if he fears one over the other then go with the one he has the lesser fear of.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Hopefully you see this. I know this post is kind of old. I have OCD. It sounds like he is refusing treatment because of his OCD fears! It definitely is not your job to be his therapist. The best treatment for OCD is Exposure Response Prevention therapy. That basically means that he would stop doing compulsions - checking to make sure he didn't hit someone, not checking locks, etc. A good therapist will also use mindfulness to deal with OCD - attention to the present moment. I don't know how to make someone get treatment, I don't think it is possible. But I think, although ERP is hard, it is well worth it. It is so painful to be untreated. You might try the book The OCD Mindfulness Workbook by Jon Hershfield and the OCD Foundation is an invaluable resource. It might really help him to talk with other people who have OCD which may inspire him to get the help he needs. This is a very isolating disease. I am assuming he is also seeking reassurance from you which is a compulsion and not helpful for him. I'm sorry that your family is going through this. I wish you the best of luck. Has anything changed since July?


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## Frank Masters (Dec 28, 2014)

My wife has OCD. It's more of a numbers thing with her. For example if we do not have sex one day, we must go one more day before we can have sex (in her mind). After two days it is open season. If we go a third day without sex, we have to make it four before we can go at it. Before she told me about the problem I felt very rejected. It is also a problem when shopping. She has to buy an even # of things or it's hell. So when I spountanesly grabbed something from an end-cap she gets all crazy. It is very tough and stressfull. To make things more intresting, she has a degree in psychology and still refuses to get help. I don't know what to do.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

I'm sorry, Frank. Why is she refusing treatment, do you know? Definitely do not take her OCD personally. It is also not your job to cater to her compulsions. Of course you choose your battles and if she is really panicky that is not good either. It is possible for her to deal with that panicky feeling but she has to get the treatment. Could you go grocery shopping on your own? Have you talked with her about how her OCD affects you?


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

My husband has OCD and he has some very odd ideas. For example: "If my wife (=me) is wearing trousers that are too long she will stumble and fall over the trousers, may be fall down the stairs holding the baby or the toddler" and get quites stressed over the length of my trousers. He also has an idea about people who don't wear flip-flops in the shower getting all kinds of illnesses like warts and so on. We don'T share our shower with other - just the family - and he tells me it's yucky I don't wear flip-flops.

He has the habit of cleaning things especially our coffee maker again and again and again.

... and he bites himself. I just wrote a thread about it: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...n/239953-christmas-he-jumpy-hyperigilant.html

Actually I do feel very stressed by his habits.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

I'll make tea said:


> My husband has OCD and he has some very odd ideas. For example: "If my wife (=me) is wearing trousers that are too long she will stumble and fall over the trousers, may be fall down the stairs holding the baby or the toddler" and get quites stressed over the length of my trousers. He also has an idea about people who don't wear flip-flops in the shower getting all kinds of illnesses like warts and so on. We don'T share our shower with other - just the family - and he tells me it's yucky I don't wear flip-flops.
> 
> He has the habit of cleaning things especially our coffee maker again and again and again.
> 
> ...



Everyone has weird ideas. I'm sure if you think through your thoughts for a day you would come up some. People with OCD can't let those weird ideas go is the problem. It sounds like with the shower he is trying to protect everyone from illness that might contaminate them if they don't wear slippers. I was terrified of someone breaking in for years and would sleep with the light and the tv because for some reason I thought that would protect me from a serial killer breaking in. OCD is an illness so he does not do what he does intentionally. I'm sorry he is stressing you out though. I can guarantee he is very stressed out and in a lot of pain. Have you guys consulted a specialist? Try the OCD Foundation. They have a lot of good resources and information about OCD. It might make you feel better to know what is going on anyway. 

After treatment some of my really bad fears are more manageable. There are some contamination fears that I have that drive my husband nuts though. I think it is harder in families with mental illness. But it can still work. For most people OCD does not go away completely but it can be managed with treatment.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

I wrote here without reading the OP. That was impolite and I am sorry. OP, not sure what to do but I think giving him to much reassurance might be bad. I would rather try to tell him you understand he is feeling really bad and are sorry and then decline to discuss the topic any further... but I am not a therapist and might be wrong. You could say "That is a really scary thought, but just a thought and because you know it is not real there is no need to discuss it further."

My husband has a thought about how he might lose his job for wearing inappropriate clothing and our family might end up money-less. So I had to help him pick his clothes every evening.
So I made clear to him that he was actually a very well dressed person and had much more style than I do (he really has). Then I refused to pick his clothes any longer and he had to do his on his own... and he did... and did not lose his job over his clothes. In fact he was dressed appropriate every day and no realizes this fear has been unfounded.





> His OCD revolves around worries about my safety


My hubby is like that too... it's always about my safety or that of our children but never his own safety... and that's sweet in a way isn't it?

Pooh Bear, my little son loves Winnieh-the-Pooh. Thanks for sharing. My husband had a similar fear about burglers and that is why he had trouble accepting medication... because he was afraid it would knock him out and the burglers would hurt me and the baby. He is now on medication though. He does CBT.

What really bugs me the most is that he bites himself and that he cannot tolerate crowds.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

That's odd. Now that I wrote that down I realize three of my husbands fears have/had to do with "clothing". I never realized that before.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

I'll make tea said:


> I wrote here without reading the OP. That was impolite and I am sorry. OP, not sure what to do but I think giving him to much reassurance might be bad. I would rather try to tell him you understand he is feeling really bad and are sorry and then decline to discuss the topic any further... but I am not a therapist and might be wrong. You could say "That is a really scary thought, but just a thought and because you know it is not real there is no need to discuss it further."
> 
> My husband has a thought about how he might lose his job for wearing inappropriate clothing and our family might end up money-less. So I had to help him pick his clothes every evening.
> So I made clear to him that he was actually a very well dressed person and had much more style than I do (he really has). Then I refused to pick his clothes any longer and he had to do his on his own... and he did... and did not lose his job over his clothes. In fact he was dressed appropriate every day and no realizes this fear has been unfounded.
> ...


I'm not sure what OP is but I wasn't offended by anything you said. I myself know how frustrating this disease is for people in my life who don't have it. But I can't always help what I am doing. Sometimes I don't even realize I am being obsessive. I am so glad he is on medication and doing CBT. I was on medication for years without CBT because I didn't know about it. They did medication and talk therapy. Now I know that talk therapy is no good for OCD. When my son was born in March, the OCD got kind of bad and I was finally able to find a specialist. It has changed my life. I wish I had know about it in my late 20's when I first started to try to get help. But it is what it is. I am on an online support for OCD and someone there was talking about being driven to wear a certain color clothing on certain days. He was getting a lot of flack from coworkers and it was embarrasing him. It was sad.  I'm not sure if there was something awful that would happen in his mind if he did not wear that certain color clothing. You are right. Reassurance is no good for those of us with OCD. It is like a drug for us. It is just a compulsion though and makes the OCD worse. It sounds like you are doing well with it. Do you talk with his therapist sometimes? 

I have always loved Pooh Bear too and now I have my son's room decorated with Pooh Bear. He is 9 months old. He may love it too but he may not. It is exciting to see them grow and change.


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