# Help needed from a Ladies perspective please ?



## Mr-Manchester (Feb 1, 2009)

Hi I need help please. I have been married for nearly 8 and a half years to a beautiful and special lady, we have so much in common and are very close and always have been.

Several weeks ago I asked my wife why we had started to drift apart over the past couple of months, where she would not cuddle up, started to wear pyjamas in bed rather than us always cuddling up naked together each night and then getting up early in the morning to avoid any closeness. We have always been very touchy feely and had a very good and passionate relationship. 

My wife had said she had a bad childhood due to her alcoholic Mother but she told me allsorts that had happened to her as a child, her mother not only neglected her but mentally, physically and sexually abused her as a child, the details she explained were horrendous. She broke down and said she had to leave as she could no longer be a real wife and could not offer me the affection and love that a real wife could offer a husband.

My wife has bottled this up for years and never told a soul apart from me. I explained to her that non of it was her fault and in no way was she to blaim and it was all her abusive Mothers fault. I said I would support her and do everything to help her and if it mean't just holding hands and cuddling up fully clothed at night time then I was fine with that and would stick by her until she managed to sort it out in her head. I say this as she said there was no way that she could go to a counsellor asa she couldn't face dealing with what had happened to her as a child. The following morning my wife left home and we have now been seperated for a month.

Two weeks ago my wife said she had made a mistake and wanted to come home and one of the reasons she had been so distant other than her abuse was that she had wanted a child for sometime. We discussed in length and I said she should come home and when she was ready we could then start a family, my wife was so pleased and elated with my answer and said that she needed to gather her thoughts together but would be home in the week. That week we talked, exchanged texts and calls with my wife saying how much she loved me and me the same, I tell my wife on a daily basis that I love her and think she is perfect, i'm quite romantic and always send her flowers, go on surprise holidays, do the majority of the housework but most of all support and encourage my wife to do whatever activity she is doing, she has just qualified as a gym instructor where I had supported her totally with my time, encouragement and helping her do mock exams etc.

The day she was due to come home she rang to say that she needed more time, I said I was dissapointed but we agreed to give her another week then she would be home. 

This week my wife said that she wasn't coming home and that she felt that she no longer loved me as a husband but more as a friend and that she was no longer in love with me. My wife advised me that she had taken out a loan and was going to be a partner in a gym and that nothing would stop her from going ahead with this. I said that was fine but I wished that she had told me as my Father could have given her the money without having to go to a bank. 

My wife said that her feelings had changed towards me and she didn't know why she had gone from being close to distant but didn't see herself as a sexual and that her body was just like a machine that helped her live. My wife said she was now stronger and wanted to be independant and no longer wanted to live in a partnership and needed to discover herself and new deep down that she was no longer in love with me but said she thought I was an amazing caring loving perfect man and perfect for her in every way but that she needed to exercise her demons and find out who she was and had to do this in order to become complete and in maybe 6 months she will be at peace with herself and be then able to offer her all to me but that she didn't expect me to wait this length of time.

I said to my wife that I was her husband and honoured our wedding vows and would stick by her, support her and stand side by side through this, I told my wife I would stick by her these coming six months and do whatever it took to keep our marriage together. 

My wife has said she will continue to pay half the household bills and always will, I love this woman and would do anything for her as my equal and would stick by her through through thick and thin but I'm just not sure how to deal eith things in the next six months, we havn't spoken for a couple of days but text each other in the morning and before bed, my wife has thrown herself into the gym, she has always been a gym fanatic, me too but she now goes 7 days a week now as well as teaching gym classes, I think she is using it as an escape. 

The situation has obviously knocked me but I'm not to bothered about me I'm more concerned about my wife and how she is behaving differently, I'm not sure what to do next, do I suggest we meet up on a regular basis or do I leave herto come around and suggest a meet up ? Please advise my next course of action??


----------



## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

From a woman's perspective, she obviously has some demons she feels she needs to deal with on her own. You need to be able to give her the space she needs, but stay close enough incase she crashes.

After reading your post and hearing how she is throwing herself at the gym....well, it tells me she is using this as a tool to help herself heal. By her having total control of what she is doing with her body gives her a sense of renewal and freedom. In a way it helps her to make up for what has been taken from her as a child. She is putting herself in a position to say NO. We all know that nice looking buff men hang out at the gym and have a tendancy to hit on anyone that catches their eye. By her working in this environment she is enabling herself to be in that position, but she already has it in her mind that she will say NO to whoever may try to flirt with her. This gives her the power over herself that she missed as a child. Does that make sense?

I read a book yesterday and the one point that stuck out the most was something to the effect that a woman's demons or past regrets will not really surface until she feels truely loved. You would think that feeling truely loved would make dealing with the past easier, but instead it allows the true feelings to come into play. Unfortunately for you and your wife, her main demon is the abuse. This is a VERY hard thing to come to terms with. This probably scared her because until now, she has been able to take those past regrets and hurt and bury them. She probably doesn't understand herself why it is surfacing now. If it were me in her situation, I could see myslef doing the same thing, telling you I didn't love you any more..when in truth she probably loves you VERY much, but she feels broken and may feel that you deserve someone who can give you all of themselves.

I can not speak for your wife, but I can speak as a woman that puts myself in her shoes to understand. As a wife we know that eventually our husbands expect to have sex at one point or another in the marriage. Even tho this may not be YOUR intentions...we still believe it because that is what we were taught growing up. To be a good wife, we are expected to give that up to our husbands wether we want it or not(and yes, we do think that way...some of us anyways...becuase that is what we are taught makes a good wife). Even tho at one point she didn't have a problem making love with you, she might have come to the point where she feels the need to take back control of that part of her. She doesn't know how to do this with you because you have already had that intimate contact with her, and she feels at this point, she can not rightfully take it back.

As for wanting a baby...well, maybe she doesn't truely want a baby, but she wants the chance to prove that a childhood should not and does not have to be like the one she had. She may want to prove to herself that she can do it better. But in the back of her mind, it scares her because she doesn't want to turn out like her mother. Even tho she may not be anything like her mother, that fear is there. From this point, I speak from experience...I was physically abused by my step mother, and even tho I am nothing like her and I resent every ounce of her being...I had a fear that I would abuse my own children. I was fortunate enough to break that chain, I made it a point to never hit my children no matter how badly I may have wanted to...I simply left the room and let them cry or throw their tantrums until the feeling passed. It worked. But I was so scared I would turn out like her. She probably feels the same way, but may not know how to communicate that to you.

I personally think she needs some counceling, but if she isn't ready to open up to someone about her past, it would be pointless at this time. I never went to a councelor about my childhood because I didn't want to relive it. I wanted to keep it in the past and deal with it in my own way. The way I dealt with it the best was raising my kids to have the little things that my childhood lacked..things like self esteem, creativity that didn't get pushed aside, support for what they wanted to do without being judgemental. All the things that I regretted and resented as a child, I turned around for my kids. She has to know that she can do the same thing.

Have you always been supportive towards her? It sounds like you have. But it also sounds funny to me that she would start a partnership or business as soon as she decided to seperate from you. Unless she is just looking for something to keep herself busy. Does she FEEL confidant enough in your support and love to get help without you making her feel insaficient(sp?)? When she talks about her past, have you just listened? or have you tried to offer her advice on how to fix it? She knows it can't be fixed, she simply wants someone to understnad how she feels.

Can you sit her down and ask her to get counceling? How would she recieve that? If she doesn't find a way to get rid of her demons, she will carry them with herself forever.

As for your next couse of actions? Well, you need to give her the space and time she is asking for. But you also need to keep in touch with her without making her feel like she is being pressured or smothered. I would suggest that every 3 days or so, you text her or call her and ask her if there is anything she needs, or if there is anything you can do for her. This shows her that you are respecting her space, but that you also love her enough to think of her needs. When you do talk to her, please please please, try not to be emotional, this is the last thing she needs when she is trying to deal with her own issues. You can still tell her you love her and miss her, but be ready if she does not respond the way you want her to, or if she asks you to stop telling her that. She knows you love her, but may not want to hear that right now.

I am so sorry us women seem so complicated. We try to be strong on our own, and sometimes don't want anyones help with anything no matter how badly we may need it. I wish you the best of luck and I will keep your wife in my prayers(you too, but especially her) that she will find the healing she needs and get passed this.

I hope you are a patient man, becuae you will need to practice this now!


----------

