# The start of a new chapter [blog]



## Rainbow_Dazed (Sep 28, 2011)

Two years ago I started a thread "So She Has Depression" in the "Mental Health" - section of these forums. 

Now two years later our relationship is over and I now live in a new home. Our child resides officially with me and lives a little over half of the time with me and my ex pays me child support. My ex is waiting for a new baby with another person and they now live together. The final catalyst for our separation was the surprise news of her pregnancy. Lot of stuff has happened fast and it has certainly taken it's toll on me. And it’ll take time for the wounds to heal. 

I've noticed that during these rough times writing has helped me and I want to keep on writing. And it means something to me to have the chance to share these writings on a public forum. The thought that someone might read all this, to share this and maybe comment on all this is comforting I guess. I'm not really looking for any advice, but I always welcome it. And sympathy is always much appreciated. But most of all I'm just writing to get this all out of my system. 

So here goes. 

*Post 1: The first christmas*

I've now lived two months in my new home. It’s a beautiful home and maybe one of the few good things to come out of all this. I could imagine living here for a long time – at least until my little one is all grown up. I want to provide him with a place which he can call home, a place where he can grow roots in. It is something that has been very important to me (to have such a place) and I’m sensing that in this he is very much like me. Already after two months he has his own favorite place at the new dinner table and his favorite place on my old college couch (which is now our “new” couch). It’s heartwarming. 

The fast and sudden separation put me in a rough spot financially, but fortunately I have lots of support in my life. I took a loan from my mother to make it through the start and hopefully I can pay her back soon, during this year. I do take good care of my finances and I am hopeful that I will be debt free next Christmas. My friends have also been a tremendous help. They have listened, helped with moving all our belongings to the new home, checked up on me frequently, offered advice and furniture and listened even more. The support I have received has been humbling to say the least. I have never felt this thankful for the people I have in my life and I feel a bit ashamed that it took such a crisis to realize what I have. 

Here where I live Christmas Eve is the “big thing.” It’s when Santa comes and brings the presents. This year I spent it alone and my child was with my ex for that day and came home on the Christmas Day. I can now understand more deeply how rough it can be to be alone on Christmas. It’s the holiday when everyone is with their families and loved ones, together. For me it was also the first day I was able to take time for myself after the crisis started, and to be alone with all my thoughts and emotions, in total silence. It was pretty crushing, but it felt needed as well. I’ve been hurt badly and I know I need time and space to let it all sink in. I have lots of tears that still need to be shed and lots of emotions to go through. 

During the holidays something a little bit exciting happened too. A friend of mine mentioned to me that our mutual friend had told him that she likes me. Having just been rejected big time with the separation and all it felt really nice to hear that there is someone out there who thinks so – especially when I too find her attractive and nice to be around with. When my friend told me the news, I thought that when the time feels right and if the timing is right, I’ll make a move. But life rarely goes how I plan it seems. I ended up meeting her last weekend at a party and *she* made a friend-zone move on me. To sum it up, we’re going out for a cup of coffee soon. As friends, yes. She has gone through something similar in her past and she offered to share her experience with me. I wish to keep this on friend-zone and I hope it stays there naturally, but just to be sure I prepared a few “I too like you but am not ready for anything for a while yet” – lines just to be safe. But it feels very welcome to have a chance to grab a cup of coffee with someone who wants to get to know me and who possibly is into me. I just hope I have enough reason in my head to truly take things slowly and to not rush into anything before I am ready. The timing has to be right.


----------



## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

*Re: A start of a new chaper [forumblog]*

Take your time, post here -- it can be cathartic.


----------



## Rainbow_Dazed (Sep 28, 2011)

Thanks doubletrouble, I'll do that!

I re-read what I wrote and realized how very little about my child. I guess that's still too much of a sore spot to talk about - how this all is affecting him. But with time I'll get to that too.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I second the taking your time approach to recovery. Until you are completely happy with yourself, you have no business getting involved with someone else.
So sorry you're here, but the support here is lovely.


----------



## Rainbow_Dazed (Sep 28, 2011)

It's been a year and a half since I updated my journal (PS:Torment reference there). I thought now'd be a good moment for a second post. 

*The last Year and a Half have taught me that I sure can screw up .*

My first blog entry ended up with me hoping that I'd have enough reason to avoid rushing into something new. I did not. I rushed and spend six months dating and then the new relationship crashed gloriously and in a much bigger boom than my divorce. I've read about rebound relationships and I can see reboundish elements in what I went through. That episode left it's marks and made me a wee bit more cynical about life and people in general, me included. I've always been a bit naive so maybe it was a reality check well needed. I have a feeling that a part of the bigger boom was bottled up anger that I had from the divorce.

And that rebound-episode did get some reason into my thick skull. I haven't dated since and I'm slowly starting to feel that I might be ready for something. Perhaps not dating, but ready to figure out what's going on. I still need to figure out what I want in my life. My job and my child take an enormous heap of my time and energy and I balance those with doing stuff that I love, my hobbies that is. How do I fit a new relationship into that equation in a way that it enriches my/our lives - I still have no idea. 

Some people say that we learn most from our mistakes. What I learned from my reboundish relationship is that I'm just stumbling in the dark with no clue about what I'm doing. I'm going to mess up and most likely screw up with relationships in the future too before I get things right. It will take time before I'm really ready for anything lasting (more about that in the next paragraph). And I need to take that to account when moving ahead. Meaning that I'll wait for a long while before introducing anyone to my child. Another thing I learned is that I need to allow myself to try things. And to make mistakes. And I need to be open about this to anyone I might date in the future as long as I feel it to be the case. 

Oh, and on the topic of screw ups, here's one more. For me personally this is the one that has been the most crushing of all. I've had pets most of my life and after the divorce I started talking with my child that maybe it'd be time to start thinking about having one again. We spent a year thinking about what pet would be good for our situation and ended up deciding that a cat would be nice. Then the time came - we got a chance to adopt two kittens from a farm. We adopted them. But, once we got back home I soon realized that I can not cope with it. It's really difficult to express with words the sense of threat I felt. 

I was at a total loss about why and sought out professional help. She helped me understand that the small kittens had brought with them three things: 1) Change, 2) Chaos and 3) Tenderness/Warmth. I was not ready to cope with any of those. After the divorce my home had become my safe haven - the one place where everything is in order and where I can moderate things that happen. I was not ready to let go of that. So I did the most responsible thing I could think of doing and sought a new home for the kittens. And in doing so let my child down massively. I haven't felt this level of failure ever in my life, to know that you have let your child down. Still brings tears to my eyes even to write it down. If anything good it made me realize that I seriously need to start working on myself. I'm attending a group next week that deals with the stuff I'm going through and I hope that with their help I'll gain a better understanding of what kind of help would be good for me. 

It's funny, maybe ironic, that after the divorce I was afraid my ex's life would bring unstability and constant change to my child's life. And now it turns out that my life is just as unstable and a mess. 

I hope the approaching fall brings something more positive to my life. I'd like to feel like I'm on top of things and building a good foundation for my life for a change.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

R-D, don't be discouraged. The pain and confusion you are experiencing will eventually become known to you as growth. Each new pain you experience will become growth if you allow yourself to learn the lesson from it.
The lessons are the painful part, not the experience itself. Keep taking chances, keep trying new things. 
I had a rebound relationship as well that ended badly. But I learned a ton of stuff about myself in the process. I learned that I wanted companionship so that I didn't have to face my self. The issues in the rebound relationship brought the issues of my marriage into focus. 
I realized that for months following my divorce, I tried like crazy to blame everything on her. I came to realize that I had a part in it as well. Somethings I could have done differently and some things I would not even consider doing differently. The things I could have done differently are things that I will do differently moving forward. The things I wouldn't do differently are the things that make me who I am. Those are things I can build on as I move forward. 
I never understood, when I was told that I have to embrace my pain. But that is exactly what you must do in order to grow.


----------



## Rainbow_Dazed (Sep 28, 2011)

Thank you, Ynot for your words. It's clear you speak from experience and I spend a long time thinking about what you wrote. It's been half a month since I wrote my last entry and the dust has settled somewhat. I've had a bunch of revelations that seem pretty simple now that I've had them, but took a lot of processing to understand. 

The biggest one was that I realized I am solely responsible for my own future now. I have the freedom to shape it as I like and I am responsible for how things are in my life. When I was in a relationship, our futures were tied together. We both had our lives but we also influenced each others lives. Sometimes being together required compromises or letting go of things I wanted to achieve, for instance. I was, back then as responsible for myself as I am now, but back then I wanted to take my partners life into consideration when making my choices. 

It’s time for me to move on and start doing choices that help me move towards the kind of life I want to live. I do not yet know what kind of life that is or what those choices are but I need to figure that out. 

Last Saturday something small, but for me, really big happened. I went clubbing for the first time in a year and was dancing with a dear friend. A woman came to us and introduced herself and asked if she could dance with us. She had such a charming smile and she seemed like someone I’d be most happy to go on a date with. I was super nervous at first, but then this calmness just came over me. I remember thinking that this is nice, I’m having a fun evening with dear friends and now there’s this really pretty girl with the most beautiful smile dancing with me and I want to tell her that. And I told her that she has a really beautiful smile and that her being there makes me smile too. She blushed, covered her mouth for a moment and then looked me in the eyes, smiled as she did before and we kept dancing. 

Me and my friends had to leave and we shook hands and I thanked her for the lovely moment. We didn’t exchange numbers, I didn’t ask her on a date. It was just the moment and it was so nice. Some day when I’m ready I’m going to be in a similar situation, I'm sure. And then I’ll be ready to put my heart out and ask that someone on a date. Last Saturday that was the most perfect thing that could’ve happened to me. <3


----------



## Rainbow_Dazed (Sep 28, 2011)

I had this moment where things just clicked, I believe some call it a moment of clarity? In that moment I realized that I am ready to move on and to start thinking about my life again. What I want to be, what I want to do and what kind of relationships do I want in my life. At that moment I just felt it inside – I was ready to move on. 

So I did what felt like the right thing to do – I installed this new(?) dating app Tinder and decided to check out the dating scene. So far I’ve been on five dates. With different people. All of which were nice. With two of those people we decided to meet again at some point in the near future. 

I have been very open about my situation – that I am feeling ready to go out and towards new things but that I do not yet know towards what. That I’m not looking for a romantic relationship yet, just people who feel nice to be with. And it has done wonders to me. It’s so nice to know that there are people out there who like me and want to get to know me. And equally strengthening has been to realize that I am a different person now that I was when I last started a relationship. I’m much better about knowing my boundaries, speaking from the heart and just letting things progress naturally. It gives me hope that my next relationship might be different than the last. 

Another thing I did is that I applied to a band. I’ve been playing instruments for the past 20+ years of my life and after my child was born I left the band I was in at the time. Now that he’s seven I have more of free time and this felt like a good moment to have a something new in my life again. So I applied to this band and the audition went well – they were very impressed with my playing and offered me a place in their band. I was impressed with how well they seemed to communicate with each other and I liked their songs. So we shook hands and now, out of the blue, I’m an active musician again. Out of the two big steps I’ve taken this feels to be the one that has a bigger impact on me. And it feels like the right step to take. It helps me move forward, brings new people to my life and the kind of relationships I feel ready to embrace again. 

I have a couple of dates still set up and I’m going to see those through, but after that I think I’ve had enough of dating. It has done wonders, but I still feel that I am not ready for a romantic relationship yet. But once again I feel with more certainty that something good awaits me once I’m ready!


----------

