# Confused on dating



## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

So I am confused. My husband and I separated in December. It took us until February until the anger lifted and we started talking. He says he wants me back but only if things change, fair enough. I am undecided. I told him I need to see some change from him in order to consider it. So now early February he is sending me text messages about how much he loves me and I am all he wants. Very sweet. Meanwhile he is dating a new girl which I find out about mid February. He said we are separated so he can date. I hate to say this but he might be right. I never told him no dating. But it does send a message that he has not changed his cake eating ways. So two part question:

1. Is he right that he can date
2. If we ever did work on reconciliation how do you get the image of another woman having sex with your spouse out of your head


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

He says he wants you back, yet has started dating. His actions do not match his words. If you think you may still want to reconcile, make it a condition that neither of you date anyone, and that he has to stop seeing this other woman.

Many separated people date, but not if they want and hope to repair their marriage. They date when they are sure that they are done with the marriage and completely expect to divorce.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

jelly_bean said:


> ...So two part question:
> 
> 1. Is he right that he can date
> 2. If we ever did work on reconciliation how do you get the image of another woman having sex with your spouse out of your head


1. yes

2. have sex with someone other than your estranged husband while you are separated

As for one, he can because rules don't matter unless we want to follow them.

As for two, you can try to see a counselor and/or take plenty of time to let it pass, like years or maybe the rest of your life, or you can go out and have that little something of your own to remember. No, I don't think it is right, but there are no rules if there are no laws forbidding it or religious/personal beliefs that forbid. If my x would have wanted to think about R and did not date, I would have had no problem not dating. To this day, I have not dated and doubt I ever will again. That's very radical and only proves I have been beaten badly by life and two marriages, as well as today's neo-society. I don't recommend what I have chosen. 

Live your life. Live it to the fullest measure within your personal beliefs and boundaries. Be good to yourself and others. That's what I recommend. Don't wait for him. Don't wait for anyone, but be kind, grateful and humble, while not allowing yourself to be "stepped on", used or abused. Do things which make you happy while respecting others.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

He is full of it. He can't be dating while he tells you that you are all he wants, as long as things change. It is a crappy thing to do to another woman and to you. Be well rid of him and file for divorce, or ask him to recommit to you exclusively and go to joint counseling. He is still married, yet he still wants it both ways.

As for wiping the image of sex from your mind...everyone is different, some can, some can't. Personally I don't think I could. I too am separated since December, but find myself much more content than I had been in years. He is one who asked me to leave, yet I only feel like I have been set free. We have been married for twenty years...the last 3-4 nothing but tension, his untrue paranoid suspicions, and passive/aggressive behavior. 

I know your situation may be different as far as why you separated...but he is showing his true colors, in my opinion.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

That's why I only support separation when it's leading to divorce. Because one of the separated people often decides to date and have sex with others -- while the other one often doesn't. Then if they decide to R the one who didn't date has to deal with mind movies -- just as if the other one had cheated. Because that's usually what it feels like.

In your case, if he intended to R with you then he should have stopped dating. Or never started. He didn't. He used separation as an excuse to try out another woman. That should tell you all you need to know.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

jelly_bean said:


> 1. Is he right that he can date


As part of your separation have you discussed dating and agreed to it being okay? Or has the Divorce been filed and both of you expect it to go through? If the answer to either of those is yes, then it's fine. if not, then he shouldn't have started dating.



jelly_bean said:


> 2. If we ever did work on reconciliation how do you get the image of another woman having sex with your spouse out of your head


I'm not sure you can. You have to accept they've done it, and get passed any anger or resentment. Which is really only possible if you feel that he has remorse over it. Which it doesn't sound like. 

The fact he was dating someone and telling you he wants you back is clearly a mixed signal. You are right to beware.


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## Joe Cool (Feb 24, 2015)

1. No way

2. You cant and that is why no way

Ridiculous. DO NOT follow the advice to cheat just because he is if you want to reconcile. 

You have a choice to make if you want to reconcile to forgive him but I do not support separation unless divorce is being pursued.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jelly_bean said:


> So I am confused. My husband and I separated in December. It took us until February until the anger lifted and we started talking. He says he wants me back but only if things change, fair enough. I am undecided. I told him I need to see some change from him in order to consider it. So now early February he is sending me text messages about how much he loves me and I am all he wants. Very sweet. Meanwhile he is dating a new girl which I find out about mid February. He said we are separated so he can date. I hate to say this but he might be right. I never told him no dating. But it does send a message that he has not changed his cake eating ways. So two part question:
> 
> 1. Is he right that he can date
> 2. If we ever did work on reconciliation how do you get the image of another woman having sex with your spouse out of your head


Bullsh*t.

His commentary w/ respect to dating in absence of any agreement that either explicitly allows or disallows it while separated speaks to the notion that he'll do only what he feels to be the bare minimum in order to keep you on the line while he cake-eats.

If he *really* wanted you back, he'd be putting all of his time and effort into repairing your relationship instead of attempting to hedge his bets by dating others.

Point this out to him while telling him that his words aren't matching up to his actions.

So do this... tell him that, while you're open to reconciliation, you want to stay separated for at least another few months, during which time the two of you can work to repair your relationship _while dating each other *BUT NO ONE ELSE*_. I'd be willing to bet a dozen donuts that he'd shoot that proposal down pretty quickly.

Another thought... how would he feel if YOU were to begin dating as well?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How are you supposed to work on your marriage if he's dating someone else? 

You are both either committed to making it work or you're not.

Honestly it sounds like he wants his cake and you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When you split up, whose idea was it? Who moved out?

Were either of you talking about divorce at that time?


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

I left after discovering a EA with a woman that works for us. Still does, he works with her every day. I did say when I left that I was not ready to discuss divorce yet but needed a break from living in the rug sweeping cake eating world for awhile. I think part of me wanted him to fall apart and realize how much he needed me. I told him I was not interested in dating just needed a bit of a mental break but I never told him he couldn't date.

He has stopped seeing her, he said for me but I am not sure. He did go to coffee with her once but told me first. He told me he only dated her cause he was 100% sure he was done with our marriage even though he was giving me a different message. Now he is really really trying to get me back and I am enjoying hanging out with him but I am so guarded. I think I am just being insecure and lazy cause it is just easier to be with him than move on. Ahhhhh this whole situation sucks!!!


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Text him, "I just scrèwed another guy. I'm seeing him again at the weekend but you're all I want."

I suspect his reply will tell you everything you need to know about his views on equality,, both present and should you reconcile.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

I have actually been thinking about lying about seeing another person just to see his reaction or maybe to finally end this. Seems unethical.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

jelly_bean said:


> I have actually been thinking about lying about seeing another person just to see his reaction or maybe to finally end this. Seems unethical.



More like dysfunctional, there are better ways. Lying could really backfire.

Figure out what changes you need him to make, ask for those. Be as specific as possible. If he doesn't, the healthiest thing to do would be to start the 180.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

I am separated and will date. However, I have no desire to reconcile with my ex.

If he was serious about getting back together, he wouldn't be dating. Your instincts are correct. Tell him to get lost.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Cobalt said:


> I am separated and will date. However, I have no desire to reconcile with my ex.
> 
> If he was serious about getting back together, he wouldn't be dating. Your instincts are correct. Tell him to get lost.


:iagree:

Think of his comments as a business offer. With no emotion involved, does it sound very competitive? NO.

If you still have some interest in your husband, at a minimum I say IGNORE HIM until he presents a COMPETITIVE and compelling offer.

At most, tell him "you have to be kidding right? You are dating and telling me you want to be with me? How pathetic do you think I am?"

I still think ignoring him sends a stronger message though.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Jelly, 

he is not committed to working on your marriage, that is plan and simple to see, and he is stringing you along....clearly if he lacks the disciple to do so...so i would respond back to him that you are obviously not truly committed to fixing this marriage so time to move, put the ball in his court.


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## ason (Mar 11, 2015)

jelly_bean said:


> So I am confused. My husband and I separated in December. It took us until February until the anger lifted and we started talking. He says he wants me back but only if things change, fair enough. I am undecided. I told him I need to see some change from him in order to consider it. So now early February he is sending me text messages about how much he loves me and I am all he wants. Very sweet. Meanwhile he is dating a new girl which I find out about mid February. He said we are separated so he can date. I hate to say this but he might be right. I never told him no dating. But it does send a message that he has not changed his cake eating ways. So two part question:
> 
> 1. Is he right that he can date
> 2. If we ever did work on reconciliation how do you get the image of another woman having sex with your spouse out of your head


If he loves why is he dating? That doesn't make any sense!


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