# We never have sex and it's HIM who doesn't want to. I'm out of ideas...



## abouttogiveup (Jun 16, 2012)

My husband and I have been together 4 1/2 years. We get along pretty good in most aspects of our relationship; we do activities with each other and with my son, we have a handful of similar interests, we make each other laugh and have no problem with talking about important issues, and hardly ever argue. However, for the last year or so our sex life has been pretty much non-existent and it is him not wanting to do it. Like I said, we have no problems with talking about things, so i have brought it up to him several times. He either gets defensive or just says he "hasn't been in the mood". I understand that not being in the mood happens, but not being in the mood EVER?? We are only 25 years old... 

I take really good care of myself, I try very hard to look good for my husband and make him happy. We have no underlying problems that I feel could be on his mind; we both have good jobs and make good money, we aren't in debt, nothing major or devastating has happened to either of us in the last year. He just seems to have no sexual interest in me at all. I am ALWAYS the one to initiate sex and I get shot down the majority of the time. In all honesty, we have sex maybe once every 3 - 6 weeks. I hate to admit to this because I trust him, but after a year of this, I finally looked through the history on our computer to see if maybe there was something that might explain what was going on. As expected, there was nothing like him cheating or anything BUT... at least once a day (sometimes more) for as far as I looked back (maybe 3 weeks), there is an abundance of visits to porn sites. Not enough to be any sort of addiction, but enough for me to put 2 and 2 together and determine that he is "handling his own situation", if you catch my drift. So, he obviously DOES have sexual desire and just about daily, he just doesn't want me. I have tried everything. Aside from outright talking, which we have done, I have gotten lingerie, toys and so on. It seems to work as a one time fix, but that's it. I don't know what is going on. What can it be? Please help...


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I don't know, but that's clearly abnormal for a 25-yr old.

I think, as unpleasant as confrontation is, that you have to confront him about this. This will eat away at your marriage.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Does he have any erectile problems?

The few times you do have sex is he fully erect?
Does he maintain a full erection until orgasm?

I know he`s young but it happens and it`s a very common reason for a man to avoid sex.
It`s also something men don`t generally want to discuss with our SO`s

Ego thing.


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## RevsDad (Jun 14, 2012)

Yep...you need to sit him down and have a frank conversation. Be open. Ask him if there is anything he sees in his porn that he would like you to do. Maybe delve into his fantasies and from there you can incorporate your likes and do things that will light his fire.


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## abouttogiveup (Jun 16, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Does he have any erectile problems?
> 
> The few times you do have sex is he fully erect?
> Does he maintain a full erection until orgasm?
> ...


He has no erectile problems at all. When we have sex, he doesn't seem to have any problem obtaining/maintaining a full erection. And, interestingly enough, I can't recall even one single time that we have had sex that he DIDNT finish. He has finished every single time from what I can recall.

On another note, maybe i'm just giving myself too much credit, I believe myself to be very good sexually. I am very open and willing to try new things (like I mentioned earlier, the toys and lingerie - my ideas). 

And we have talked about this several times, like really put everything out on the table, and it always ends the same: It seems like we worked everything out and that we are going to start trying, we both feel better, we tend to have sex that day/night and maybe another day or two after, then nothing. 

It's heartbreaking. He just does not seem to want me at all anymore. He always tells me how pretty I am and that my son and I are the most important people in his life, but he just has no sexual interest in me. I love him SO much, but I will not live out the rest of my life not having sex. Sex is NOT the most important thing in a relationship and I don't necessarily care to have sex daily, but I am not clueless. If he never wants to have sex with me and i've about given up from being shot down repeatedly, how do we make this relationship continue a lifetime? Again, i'm only 25... This shouldn't be the end of my sexual life, you know?


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## Just1Man (Dec 9, 2010)

abouttogiveup said:


> I understand that not being in the mood happens, but not being in the mood EVER?? We are only 25 years old...


I'm almost 41 and I am in the mood ALL THE TIME. We are in opposite situations. My wife is the one not in the mood. This is like some sick game nature plays on the human race. Are there any people out there that have equal sex drives ?? Oh wait, they would not come here cause they don't have problems. Answered my own question.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

H and I have equal sex drives.... we are both HD, and we are thankful and deliriously happy about having found someone who matches! So, yes... it does happen. It's not either of ours' first marriage, and we've btdt, so we GET how important and awesome this is. 

Not rubbing it in, just saying.... matches happen. We did discuss it alot before committing, and just hoped like heck that each other would hold up their end. 7 years later.... all good.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Ok, most know my position on porn in general. In this case, while I wouldn't say it is an addiction per se, it IS a problem. If he is viewing it and getting off, rather than taking the willing body in his bed, THAT is a problem! I do not try to tell people NOT to watch it or anything... but my general stance is this: if it, meaning ANYTHING, takes attention from the marriage/marriage bed, then it needs to go. I complain about having sex once a week (I'm 37, he's 31)... and I don't think it's enough! But once every 3-6 weeks, and he views porn instead of having sex? That's a problem.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When a man avoids sex with his wife there is anger/resentment. Find out what he is resentful/angry about and fix that. Do not even bring up the lack of sex. Instead find out what the issues are. He's burying his own feelings instead of telling you what is up with him.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> *When a man avoids sex with his wife there is anger/resentment.* Find out what he is resentful/angry about and fix that. Do not even bring up the lack of sex. *Instead find out what the issues are.* He's burying his own feelings instead of telling you what is up with him.


And, what do you do when you learn he is angry with HIMSELF because of the effect his medications are having on him. How do you approach him then? It was really weird that for even a week or two after starting one of his meds, we still had sex at least twice a week. Now, I have to practically beg for once a week. I already have a plan in place regarding the med problem, but in the meantime, how do I keep MYSELF from becoming resentful/hurt?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Maricha...yeah. Been there. I'm so sorry, honey.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Maricha...yeah. Been there. I'm so sorry, honey.


Thanks, appreciated.... but, hey, at least I have a game plan, right?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

abouttogiveup said:


> He has no erectile problems at all. When we have sex, he doesn't seem to have any problem obtaining/maintaining a full erection. And, interestingly enough, I can't recall even one single time that we have had sex that he DIDNT finish. He has finished every single time from what I can recall.


Ok, that`s just the first thing I throw out there when a guy chooses to be sexless or close to it because I`ve seen it a few times and the wife never even had a clue and her H simply wouldn`t ever tell her what the real problem is, so now that that`s eliminated.




> If he never wants to have sex with me and i've about given up from being shot down repeatedly, how do we make this relationship continue a lifetime? Again, i'm only 25... This shouldn't be the end of my sexual life, you know?


No it shouldn`t.

Maybe start pulling away from him, preparing for what you know will ultimately happen if he continues like this.

Maybe if he sees this and you tell him why he`ll see that he`s seriously screwing up.

Often partners get waaay too comfy in a LTR and have no problem taking their SO for granted because they don`t believe they`ll end the relationship no matter what.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Just1Man said:


> Are there any people out there that have equal sex drives ?? Oh wait, they would not come here cause they don't have problems. Answered my own question.


Naaw we`re just here for completely different crazy problems.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> Ok, most know my position on porn in general. In this case, while I wouldn't say it is an addiction per se, it IS a problem. If he is viewing it and getting off, rather than taking the willing body in his bed, THAT is a problem! I do not try to tell people NOT to watch it or anything... but my general stance is this: if it, meaning ANYTHING, takes attention from the marriage/marriage bed, then it needs to go. I complain about having sex once a week (I'm 37, he's 31)... and I don't think it's enough! But once every 3-6 weeks, and he views porn instead of having sex? That's a problem.


Most know my position on porn is diametrically opposite of Marichas and ...I agree with her entirely in this reply.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> And, what do you do when you learn he is angry with HIMSELF because of the effect his medications are having on him. How do you approach him then? It was really weird that for even a week or two after starting one of his meds, we still had sex at least twice a week. Now, I have to practically beg for once a week. I already have a plan in place regarding the med problem, but in the meantime, how do I keep MYSELF from becoming resentful/hurt?


That`s the vicious cycle so many who post in SIM can`t get out of.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> And, what do you do when you learn he is angry with HIMSELF because of the effect his medications are having on him. How do you approach him then? It was really weird that for even a week or two after starting one of his meds, we still had sex at least twice a week. Now, I have to practically beg for once a week. I already have a plan in place regarding the med problem, but in the meantime, how do I keep MYSELF from becoming resentful/hurt?


Do you mean that the meds are killing his desire for sex? Or are they having a different kind of effect on him that is making him angry?

It often takes a few weeks for the full effect (and side effects) of a medication to kick in. So the fact that he still want sex for a week or two makes sense.

How to keep yourself from becoming resentful/hurt? It's hard. Is there an alternative medication he can take? 

Will he agree to doing things that just feel good, like taking showers & baths with you? accepting a massage? These are things that you might be able to use to teach him a different way to get to the point of wanting sex.

Talk to a sex therapist on your own. They might have some very good ideas. 

Does he understand the importance of sex to you and thus is he willing to work towards this?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I can understand that sometimes people go through things that lower their desire for sex. Sometimes this comes from within themselves and sometimes it’s a result of faults in the relationship.

What I do not understand is when two people cannot talk about this and find their way back to each other and a healthy sex life.

In my way of thinking, a spouse who refuses to work on whatever is needed to get back to a good, healthy sex life has a huge flaw. They are not marriage material.

If one spouse has let themselves go... then both can work together to get that spouse back in shape... plan meals and shopping together, workout together... take long walks, go hiking, etc. Physical exercise will often make a person want more sex. And sex is one of the best physical exercises there is.

Get your hormones checked to see if it's a hormone issue and take the darn hormones.

There are things a couple can do to fix this. But it seems that in so many cases, the supposedly LD spouse has no desire to fix it and is using their supposed LD as the excuse. The fact that they refuse to try anything that will fix the lack of sex in the marriage tells me this is a control issue for that person. They are resentful/angry and now have a great excuse to 'punish' their spouse by withholding sex. It's the ultimate form of passive aggressive behavior in marriage.


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## abouttogiveup (Jun 16, 2012)

As far as the porn and masturbation goes, I really don't care that he does it. It's the fact that he would rather watch porn that have any sort of sexual contact with me. We used to (occasionally) watch porn together just to get in the mood, but now it's a secretive thing for him and the fact that when I saw the porn sites on the computer they were visited daily.?? It makes me so upset for him to say he just hasn't been in the mood then see that. Sometimes, the views were stretched out hours apart, so I know he has been masturbating several times a day.

Again, we have had some serious talks about this and I have gotten a variety of answers from "you just expect me to be turned on and want to do it the instant you want it", to "I've been really tired lately" to "I just haven't wanted to have sex for a while" and "you know for guys once they have a kid their testosterone levels drop so they don't want to have sex as much". Problem with that last one is that my son is from a previous relationship and has been around since the day I met my husband. It all sounds like excuses to me now.

And in all these talks we have had, I have outright told him I am unhappy with us never having sex and the fact that after the sex stopped, all romance seemed to go out the window as well We never go out on dates anymore and other things that used to be common, like massages, I now have to ask for and they last only a minute or two. When I tell him how concerned I am he says he isn't happy with the fact that we have no sex/romance anymore and we go through a list of things we can do to make it better. As stated earlier, this usually results in a day or 2 of sex then another several week/month period of nothing.

Another thing that has caught my attention is that he has NEVER been selfish in any way, especially not in the bedroom, but over the past several months, I will do certain things for him sexually just to try to keep some sort of spice in our life and I honestly can't remember the last time he has done anything like that for me. I know we had sex exactly 2 weeks before today (sorry if it's TMI, but I haven't been on my monthly cycle since then), but if I had to guess the last time he did something just for me, I would guess 3 or 4 months ago.

I'm really starting to think there is something wrong with me that I'm not seeing and that he won't just tell me when I ask. I saw that someone mentioned something about sex dwindling when a partner has let them self go. Well, I am the exact same weight today as I was when I met my husband and I make an effort to dress nicely and do my makeup everyday. He, on the other hand, has put on about 25 - 35 pounds since we met. I don't care about the weight I (and apparently neither does he) because he is healthy and I am still attracted to him. 

All I know is that I am not happy with how things are going here. If we have already had "the talk" a handful of times and it still hasn't fixed anything (in fact I am becoming angrier and more frustrated, and he seems to be spending a lot more time in his office than with me and my child) I don't know what else to do. 

I guess my question now is what can it be? Is there anyone out there who has been on my husband's end of this scenario who can tell me why this can be happening, like what *could* be going on in his head that he isn't telling me? I think the worst part is that I feel like he is lying because he always tells me he thinks and am so beautiful and he is still super attracted to me sexually, yet he won't touch me with a 10 foot pole. I feel like I would be an idiot if I were to believe he still wants he when all evidence is to the contrary.


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## clearskies (Jun 9, 2012)

I am sadden to hear you are going through this. I am going through the same thing, with some sun hopefully starting to shine through. When a husband withdraws it could be a number of reasons. Since he is only 25, he could be going through the quarter life crisis, where you start to question what are you doing with your life and face the reality of being an adult. If you haven't done this, try to connect over life goals, and how he is feeling about his life right now. Does he like his job/profession? Worried about being laid off? Concerned about more children? Not tapping in spiritually? Feeling like life is getting too routine? Or any other existential crisis. What about his friends? Does he have a few people he can talk to and express himself (in a manly way of course  

Sometimes data helps. My husband never wanted to believe me when I said we weren't having sex that often and how long of a time we went, until I started writing it down. Every time we had sex, oral or intercourse, I would write the date down ( now I have an app I use for my menstrual cycle that has a mark for intimate) Then I could show him and say on May 5 we had oral and July 6 we had intercourse..etc... Sorry for being long. Hope this helps.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What does he resent about you?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Do you mean that the meds are killing his desire for sex? Or are they having a different kind of effect on him that is making him angry?
> 
> It often takes a few weeks for the full effect (and side effects) of a medication to kick in. So the fact that he still want sex for a week or two makes sense.
> 
> ...


In the interest of NOT hijacking the OP thread any further, I sent you a PM EleGirl. But i will give basic answers here. He knows it is important to me, and willing to work on it. The meds are for psychological purposes. I proposed a challenge, just for intimacy, not sex, a couple days ago. Got response for one day... but not today. My challenge was: touch me in an intimate/loving way, 5 separate times each day. No grabbing, spanking, pinching, etc... a loving caress type touch. And, I have made the same commitment. He seemed agreeable, perhaps I need to remind him a few times?

Regarding him being angry: it's more about lack of ability to perform. I know, guys understand this. I have tried explaining to him the same thing he has said to me when I had problems: don't think about it...just get into it and do it, enjoy it. Just don't think about it. 

Anyway, he has another appt with his doctor in a month. I will give the 'touch test' that long as well as trying to 'engage' him more... if those things don't work, you better believe his doctor will be informed.

The one thing I worry about is, because of his depressed state, telling him that, while he says "It's because of the meds"... my ears hear that... my brain processes it... but on some level, it feels like my brain changes that...translating it to "I don't find you sexually attractive". I don't want to say that to him, but it is how I feel sometimes. And, I am not sure if that is residual from fall out over the EAs or because of everything else.

Ugh! Sorry OP, for the thread jack. =/


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Abouttogiveup, I guess I am missing something here because I see the problem as being him gratifying himself, while it appears almost no one else sees it that way. Some are blaming you and others are placing way too much responsibility on you. In fact, the suggestion that you do what he sees in the porn movies is ridiculous. He enjoys seeing it, and that is what turns him on so much. You, on the otherhand, are the real thing and could never compare to his voyeuristic addiction to being able to *view* sex acts for gratification. Yes, practically everybody gets turned on watching pornography, but your husband has a disorder that needs to be addressed, but you will never be able to convince him of that. You are not at all to blame, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about someone having an addiction. Please stop blaming yourself and thinking there must be something he is not telling you. There is something he's not telling, but it has nothing to do with you. It is that he is immature, addicted to pornography and masturbating, and is a selfish prick. I don't believe there are an awful lot of men who would admit any of those to their wife......or even to themselves......until it's way too late.

If you see anything in that list you think you can cure with love and desire, then I don't believe you would be here because you'd have all your answers. The truth is, there is nothing you can do......except stop thinking there is anything you can do. Except that you happened to marry an immature, masturbating, selfish prick, none of this has anything to do with you. He didn't turn this way because of you. He turned this way despite you, so you can stop thinking you caused this problem, that there is something wrong with you, and that you must not be desirable. Were he diagnosed with cancer or bi-polar disorder or any other type of illness/disease/disorder, you would not think yourself so powerful or so pitiful as to cause it. So, don't blame yourself for this either. It's the same thing.

What can be done is something you need to do for yourself, which is to give up. You have to be willing to do the only thing that is up to you and within your own power. You have to leave (or ask him to leave). Otherwise, you are just complaining and as you can see, talking and complaining has gotten you nowhere for more than a day or two. Leaving will do one of two things: it will wake him up to realize he cannot keep doing this to his marriage and will have to get counseling. Or, you will be free of this sexless marriage to a teenage masturbator who never grew up. You CAN put a stop to this, but you have to be willing to do it and accept the outcome is under your contol, just not exactly which outcome it will be. You cannot make him get help, but you can set yourself free of your misery. Getting help is up to him and a good wake up call might make him see he needs it. That's the thing about men that I learned from the men on these forums: men respond to actions, not words. He will promise everything under the sun at that point. Just make sure he lives up to his promises. Don't give him any ultimatums. You will not live up those. Just leave and let him know if he wants his marriage, he will have to do something about his problem.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Well said, Riven.

Masturbating with porn is a different kind of sex.
There is NO emotional attachment to the screen pixels.
It's whatever his fantasies are, and it's endless. 

If he is choosing porn over you... he is really choosing to have NSA "sex", as dirty and low as he wants. No limits.
That is what he wants. 

This is harsh, I'm sorry. But what he does not want... is initmacy with you. For whatever reason. He only wants non-emotional physcial release. 

And there is a reason. 

It is up to him to figure that out, though. The longer you blame yourself, the more your self esteem will suffer. You can only offer him support.

Know that you are normal. It's normal to want intimacy. He's the one with a problem. If he doesn't address it, he shouldn't get to have a relationship with you. 

He's not just denying you sex. He's denying you an emotional connection, even when you do have sex. He's not there. Why?

Is he chatting online too? Is he out a lot with his friends? Start looking.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

abouttogiveup said:


> As far as the porn and masturbation goes, I really don't care that he does it. It's the fact that he would rather watch porn that have any sort of sexual contact with me. We used to (occasionally) watch porn together just to get in the mood, but now it's a secretive thing for him and the fact that when I saw the porn sites on the computer they were visited daily.?? It makes me so upset for him to say he just hasn't been in the mood then see that. Sometimes, the views were stretched out hours apart, so I know he has been masturbating several times a day.
> 
> Again, we have had some serious talks about this and I have gotten a variety of answers from "you just expect me to be turned on and want to do it the instant you want it", to "I've been really tired lately" to "I just haven't wanted to have sex for a while" and "you know for guys once they have a kid their testosterone levels drop so they don't want to have sex as much". Problem with that last one is that my son is from a previous relationship and has been around since the day I met my husband. It all sounds like excuses to me now.
> 
> ...


Oh my dear ~

Based upon what you say, it sounds like your husband is expending his time and energy on porn, instead of expending it on you... for whatever his reason may be, whether it's anger/resentment toward you, whether it's him hiding from his responsibilities, whether it's him using it to assuage his own anxieties. Chronic porn use can be addicting, just like many other things can be. It can also make it more difficult for a man to have satisfying sex with a woman ... not saying that your husband is like this, but it does happen all too often. 

Porn-Induced Sexual Dysfunction Is a Growing Problem | Psychology Today

I think you are going to have to be very honest with yourself and speak very plainly and bluntly with your H about this ... the future of your marriage hangs in the balance. Don't blame yourself entirely ... there are two of you in this marriage together that hold equal responsibility for trying to make it work.

Is he willing to acknowledge there is a problem? Is he willing to work with you on the problem? Would he be willing to work with a counselor with you so you two can learn to communicate together? If not, would you be willing to go on your own so that you can work things through and decide what the best course of action is for you if he totally refuses to budge and do anything?

Best wishes.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This is not going to improve. 

Sad truth: During the bonding phase, partners are able to feel enough desire to have frequent sex with someone they don't really desire in the true sense of the word. Sex is solely a means to an end for those folks. 

He knows this is hurting you a LOT, and *he is ok with that*. He does not have a reasonable level of desire for you, nor enough kindness to be honest about it. He just doesn't - and you cannot change that. So either accept it, or move on. 




abouttogiveup said:


> He has no erectile problems at all. When we have sex, he doesn't seem to have any problem obtaining/maintaining a full erection. And, interestingly enough, I can't recall even one single time that we have had sex that he DIDNT finish. He has finished every single time from what I can recall.
> 
> On another note, maybe i'm just giving myself too much credit, I believe myself to be very good sexually. I am very open and willing to try new things (like I mentioned earlier, the toys and lingerie - my ideas).
> 
> ...


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> This is not going to improve.
> 
> Sad truth: During the bonding phase, partners are able to feel enough desire to have frequent sex with someone they don't really desire in the true sense of the word. Sex is solely a means to an end for those folks.
> 
> He knows this is hurting you a LOT, and *he is ok with that*. He does not have a reasonable level of desire for you, nor enough kindness to be honest about it. He just doesn't - and you cannot change that. So either accept it, or move on.


Wow, Abouttogiveup, I hope you see what I mean. Upon being blamed by some, others placing too much responsibility on you, you now get this guy making it seem like your husband never truly desired you in the first place and faked it the whole time. This is unkind and untrue, and I am grieved anyone could make such a statement. Your husband has a problem. It appears he developed this problem in the same way so very many other people have been developing this problem in recent years (past 10 years or so). Lots of guys already had it, but most recently with the advent of common computer use and the internet (especially high speed and broadband), porgnography is readily available and all too easy to access. The average person doesn't have to be afraid they may be sighted in public adult stores anymore. Most everyone is curious, and we all are sexual beings who respond to that kind of stimulant. That means we all have to be careful and mindful of the potential for overuse and the unhealthy ramifications. Unfortunately, your husband is one of many who was neither mindful nor careful. As an unfortunate consequence of his carelessness, you are the one who suffers most. That is what this is and nothing more. You have no reason to think it is anything other than that, so please don't allow anyone's two-bit psychology convince you otherwise. Your self esteem is taking enough of a hit by this. You don't need to allow someone who knows nothing of what they speak to shatter you more.......someone who does not know you or your husband and has in no way been privy to the kind of information that would bring him to such a conclusion. I don't know if I am able to make you feel better, but I sure am trying very hard to reverse any possible damage to your feelings and self esteem. I hope I succeed.


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## whiterose2012 (Jun 18, 2012)

deejov said:


> Well said, Riven.
> 
> Masturbating with porn is a different kind of sex.
> There is NO emotional attachment to the screen pixels.
> ...


Having a similar problem Im researching the topic in every thread! your response is bitter sweet to read.


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