# I need to stop riding the crazy train.



## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

So most of you on here have seen my posts. I have a case of OCD and depression stirred in with some Anxiety. LOL! 

So anyways to shorten the story I am sure some of you have read before. My husband cheated on me 10 years ago I KNOW OMG 10 years get over it... Anyways. He made out with a mutual friend of ours twice very immature stuff. we were 25 and 26 and were lost. She kissed him to get her husband back and then he kissed her later to figure us out. So time went on I was doing pretty well. I had accepted things and forgave them both. I was also on Zoloft and that helped me think more clear with things and not get tripped up in my Obsessive thinking and over analyzing. then I tried to get off the zoloft and that sent me into a spiral. I was really feeling like a crazy person. 

I am now getting back on and its been about 2 weeks. I still have moments were I get very angry with myself. See I tried to act like it didn't hurt me as bad and not let her win. So We still would hang out a few times with the couple. A part of me wanted her to see she didn't win and my husband isn't into her. I KNOW I AM STUPID. Plus we had such a big group of mutual friends sometimes it was hard to avoid them.. So anyways here is my real question. it was New years 3 or 4 years ago. We went to a friends home for a New Year Party and her and her husband were there. I was the DD so I had maybe two drinks the entire night. And my husband was LIT UP. The ball dropped and we kiss. Then he kissed all of our friends just a peck and nothing creepy.. They have all been friends from high school and Jr. High. WELL she may or may not have been one. And I flipped. I almost ended our marriage over it. then we talked he said I am not sure? But I don't want to lie ever again to you. So I don't want to say it was no or yes. But I am about 99% sure I didn't He says I feel like I would have stopped or she would have and been like EHH NO. So is this something I need to forgive? or is this something that makes me look stupid? I refuse to hang out again with them I am literally done. I have grown up and realized that I am not going to jeopardize my happiness to keep face with a group of mean girls and act like they can't hurt me. 

But I really would like some rational help today I am feeling like I am on the verge of a breakdown. It could also be me starting the new meds..


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

It appears that you are focusing on an event that happened 4 years ago at a party were alcohol was flowing freely. You claim to have forgiven them both, but you obviously have not done so.

First let me say that it is entirely up to you who you choose to be friends with.

Is your husband questioning that choice? Have there been other instances where you think they have gotten together? How is his behavior now?

Honestly, from what you have posted, I think the two of you should be in marriage counseling ASAP. And you should get into IC for your OCD.


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## BlakeH (Sep 29, 2018)

dontworrybehappy said:


> So most of you on here have seen my posts. I have a case of OCD and depression stirred in with some Anxiety. LOL!
> 
> So anyways to shorten the story I am sure some of you have read before. My husband cheated on me 10 years ago I KNOW OMG 10 years get over it... Anyways. He made out with a mutual friend of ours twice very immature stuff. we were 25 and 26 and were lost. She kissed him to get her husband back and then he kissed her later to figure us out. So time went on I was doing pretty well. I had accepted things and forgave them both. I was also on Zoloft and that helped me think more clear with things and not get tripped up in my Obsessive thinking and over analyzing. then I tried to get off the zoloft and that sent me into a spiral. I was really feeling like a crazy person.
> 
> ...


I agree with previous poster....go see a marriage counselor...do not leave it or let it go..when your hisband betrayed you 4 years ago it was traumatic to you and there is a process to work through the trauma in a healthy manner... counseling can def help..even if you decide to see one alone..he can help navigate you through all your feelings (whichninclude feelibg obsessive about it...you are not crazy...these are totally normal) my husband cheated on me and i also have obsessive thoughts about it and also have anxiety..its all part of the trauma..the counseling really helps!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You say you're on meds. Does that mean you're going to therapy? Meds are useless unless you change your LIFE. 

My recommendation is for you to choose something, maybe a couple of things, to change in your life, things to fulfill you, things to make you proud of your accomplishments. Do you volunteer? That should be a first step. Choose something to volunteer at - old folks home, animal shelter, tutoring kids, teaching adults to read...there are a million opportunities out there. Choose one and start doing it at least once a month.

What steps are you taking to better yourself? Are you taking a night course to get a degree or augment your degree? Are you in Toastmasters? Are you learning a new language? Are you working? 

If you sit in the same life, day after day, with nothing growing or building or changing or improving, it's really easy to sit back and dwell on your PAST memories or thoughts or feelings. 

Fill your life. Replace that old stuff with exciting, important, beneficial new stuff. You'll be pleasantly surprised to learn that crap like some kiss 4 years ago is just plain silly.

I remember when my DD28 would be upset about this or that back in high school. I'd say "will you be hanging out with this person in 4 years? No? Then why are you letting them take up so much space in your head? They're fleeting, they're unimportant; you have so much more important stuff about to go on in your life."


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

turnera said:


> You say you're on meds. Does that mean you're going to therapy? Meds are useless unless you change your LIFE.
> 
> My recommendation is for you to choose something, maybe a couple of things, to change in your life, things to fulfill you, things to make you proud of your accomplishments. Do you volunteer? That should be a first step. Choose something to volunteer at - old folks home, animal shelter, tutoring kids, teaching adults to read...there are a million opportunities out there. Choose one and start doing it at least once a month.
> 
> ...



I know I get what you are saying and I know it is silly but it still hurts my feelings. He should know better with this women. Regardless of him thinking it wasn’t like that. We had so many problems with what he did the first time 10 years ago. Do I was pissed that he could have even done that years later. Like how do you not get it man! 

But your right I need to get out I need a life outside of him. I consume him he is what I breath each day. I need a hobby. It’s hard at 36 to figure out what the hell to do for fun. My entire adult life has been kids and husband... so I am trying to find myself.
And yes I am in therapy I have to stay in therapy I think for awhile. It’s really nice talking with a stranger who doesn’t know me and feed me full of ****. I want honesty. Like if I am being crazy she tells me! I need that. I don’t need a friend who will tell me what I need to hear. Like now. I came on here for advice from people who don’t know me. So I know if it’s crazy and I should forgive. 

So thank you for your advice, and I really am trying to get my life together.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

I agree with previous poster....go see a marriage counselor...do not leave it or let it go..when your hisband betrayed you 4 years ago it was traumatic to you and there is a process to work through the trauma in a healthy manner... counseling can def help..even if you decide to see one alone..he can help navigate you through all your feelings (whichninclude feelibg obsessive about it...you are not crazy...these are totally normal) my husband cheated on me and i also have obsessive thoughts about it and also have anxiety..its all part of the trauma..the counseling really helps![/QUOTE]

Ya we have done MC it was ok. He is amazing now. I think it took him up until 2 years ago to finally mature and be such a good dedicated husband and father. He was a little slow to mature lol. But no I keep going to therapy. I think a lot of the issues are me. I need to figure out some things.. I don’t know if it’s him or me that I have issues with.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

TDSC60 said:


> It appears that you are focusing on an event that happened 4 years ago at a party were alcohol was flowing freely. You claim to have forgiven them both, but you obviously have not done so.
> 
> First let me say that it is entirely up to you who you choose to be friends with.
> 
> ...


I did forgive them for the kiss that happend 10 years ago, but I am pissed that they may have pecked at this party.. regardless of him kissing all of our friends he should have known better. I sound psycho I know. 

But no they have never got together or hung out or talked alone since 10 years ago. And he is an amazing father and husband now he has grown so much!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

dontworrybehappy said:


> I know I get what you are saying and I know it is silly but it still hurts my feelings.


No, I'm saying that YOU have control over your feelings and you can choose to wallow in self-pity and waste your life or you can put on your big-girl britches and make ACTIVE CHOICES every single day to stop feeling sorry for yourself and go out and not waste that day on things you have no control over. You can improve your life, improve your self esteem, and learn how valuable you are to the point that you laugh at how whiny you used to be.

It's your choice whether to fix yourself or not.

And I suggest you seek out a professional who performs CBT, instead of just a therapist who lets you talk about stuff.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/cognitive-behavioral-therapy

A good first step - advised by my own IC - is to pick a friend and start reconnecting with her; hang out at least once a month. Give yourself things to look forward to that don't revolve around him. Volunteer somewhere. Fill your life with stuff.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

dontworrybehappy said:


> So is this something I need to forgive?


Yes, you do need to forgive. I'd like to illustrate something about forgiveness, though. 

Imagine, for a few minutes, that someone took a knife and cut off your arm.... you would not stop suffering the moment it happened...
in fact, you would suffer the rest of your life from the loss of your arm....and, there would, most likely, be continuing pain that you suffer for a long time to come....

It would not matter how much you "forgave" the person who did it. Your arm is still gone, you are permanently decapacitated to that extent, and you still feel pain.



dontworrybehappy said:


> or is this something that makes me look stupid?


No, you only look human and normal.



dontworrybehappy said:


> I refuse to hang out again with them I am literally done. I have grown up and realized that I am not going to jeopardize my happiness to keep face with a group of mean girls and act like they can't hurt me.


Good for you. This is, in itself, a quite rational approach. Nothing about forgiveness requires that you restore previous relationships. Even people who were once married can, sometimes, live in much better forgiveness when separated and divorced than if the relationship is maintained.

Forgiveness surely does not mean that we are to put ourselves back into vulnerability.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

No, I'm saying that YOU have control over your feelings and you can choose to wallow in self-pity and waste your life or you can put on your big-girl britches and make ACTIVE CHOICES every single day to stop feeling sorry for yourself and go out and not waste that day on things you have no control over. You can improve your life, improve your self esteem, and learn how valuable you are to the point that you laugh at how whiny you used to be.

It's your choice whether to fix yourself or not.

And I suggest you seek out a professional who performs CBT, instead of just a therapist who lets you talk about stuff.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/cognitive-behavioral-therapy

A good first step - advised by my own IC - is to pick a friend and start reconnecting with her; hang out at least once a month. Give yourself things to look forward to that don't revolve around him. Volunteer somewhere. Fill your life with stuff.[/QUOTE]

How do I do that? Every time I try something do ok. Then bam thoughts hit me. It’s like I am punishing myself..

I will call the shelters today I do think it would be nice to volunteer or something. I miss being my old happy self I just want that back! It’s hard for me to connect again with women also because I was so burned. I need to talk To my therapist and see is that is normal. 

I feel like it’s my fault that this happened again like If I didn’t hand out with them anymore this wouldn’t have happened and I am acting like it was a make out session like before. When I obo this was not IF it even happened. This is why I feel crazy!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's what a good therapist will help you with. Especially with the CBT therapy. My DD28 is doing that right now because she too has obsessive thoughts she wants to stop having. It's basically retraining the brain, kind of like those dogs in the story that are trained to push a button when they hear a bell, or whatever. Yeah, it's hard work to retrain your brain and you'll have to get fully on board to do it. But it can be done. 

How were you burned with women?


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

turnera said:


> That's what a good therapist will help you with. Especially with the CBT therapy. My DD28 is doing that right now because she too has obsessive thoughts she wants to stop having. It's basically retraining the brain, kind of like those dogs in the story that are trained to push a button when they hear a bell, or whatever. Yeah, it's hard work to retrain your brain and you'll have to get fully on board to do it. But it can be done.
> 
> How were you burned with women?


That’s cool! I need to retrain. I hate this everyday torture I do with myself.. and the women I am talking about was one of my best friends so it’s now hard for me to get close to people. I am so scared to get burned again. I think that’s why I am having such a hard time with the maybe peck with the ex best friend. Even if he wouldn’t have meant it that way.. it’s still kinda like hello? You should know better. And I don’t know if I should now be done and divorce him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

A couple thoughts. First, your husband is not you. He doesn't have your background, he's not a female, he hasn't had the betrayal you have, he doesn't know what it's like to hope your spouse - the one with the higher sex drive - doesn't use it to cheat on you. So try to remember when you deal with him that he simply can't see things from your perspective. So try to give him a break. It seems to me like he's spent 10 years trying NOT to upset you.

Second, are you really going to spend your whole life running away from making any girlfriends just because some girl, some time, was a b*tch to you? That's like saying you'll never have a dog because one snapped at you when you were a kid.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

turnera said:


> A couple thoughts. First, your husband is not you. He doesn't have your background, he's not a female, he hasn't had the betrayal you have, he doesn't know what it's like to hope your spouse - the one with the higher sex drive - doesn't use it to cheat on you. So try to remember when you deal with him that he simply can't see things from your perspective. So try to give him a break. It seems to me like he's spent 10 years trying NOT to upset you.
> 
> Second, are you really going to spend your whole life running away from making any girlfriends just because some girl, some time, was a b*tch to you? That's like saying you'll never have a dog because one snapped at you when you were a kid.


I know we do think differently. And you think the peck 4 years ago was cheating? Or the make out 10 years ago? 

And I know I need to not put all females in that category it’s not healthy. I just don’t ever want to feel that double betrayal again in my life! 

I just honestly want to know is this cause for divorce or am I being over the top


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, I think the PECK 4 years ago was absolutely NOT cheating. Not unless it was followed by additional contact. Was it?

You 'don't want to feel betrayal' again? No offense, but that's something a 13 year old would say. You're an adult. It's time to grow up. 

And this absolutely is not cause for divorce; at least not from you. But if you keep up this juvenile thinking, I'm pretty sure it's going to become cause for him to divorce you.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

It will take a while for Zoloft to be stable in your system.

Do not divorce over a peck that may or may not have happened.

Seek the therapy advised above.

Can you see your OCD tendencies latching on to this maybe kiss? I'd be more frustrated over his need while LIT to kiss every female in the room (maybe). Think I've said before you are making yourself miserable--seek help to change your cognitive obsessions.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

turnera said:


> No, I think the PECK 4 years ago was absolutely NOT cheating. Not unless it was followed by additional contact. Was it?
> 
> You 'don't want to feel betrayal' again? No offense, but that's something a 13 year old would say. You're an adult. It's time to grow up.
> 
> And this absolutely is not cause for divorce; at least not from you. But if you keep up this juvenile thinking, I'm pretty sure it's going to become cause for him to divorce you.


You seriously think it’s no bad even with the women he once cheated on me with? And your right I am acting like a freaking kid. I can rationalize this, but then my anxiety kicks in screaming at me that he is not ok. I am telling you I am not in my right mind and that’s why I am here.. and now taking meds.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

sunsetmist said:


> It will take a while for Zoloft to be stable in your system.
> 
> Do not divorce over a peck that may or may not have happened.
> 
> ...


I do see my obsession starting to cling on it’s bad. I think I need to just breath and hope these meds kick in to help me think rational. Right now I feel like I am losing it. I just am pissed it was her. Even though it was all of us. She wasn’t a target or anything bad. I go to see my therapist in Thursday, but I wonder if I should find CBT therapist. I need a bit more help the. Just talk therapy I feel like I am worse than normal.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

You can talk to your therapist about her/his specialties. If this is outside of her/his area of expertise, she/he can refer you to someone she/he thinks will be helpful. Your insurance may determine who you are approved to see.

It will take a combination of meds and therapy to help you along with your sincere effort and desire to do the work.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

dontworrybehappy said:


> You seriously think it’s no bad even with the women he once cheated on me with? And your right I am acting like a freaking kid. I can rationalize this, but then my anxiety kicks in screaming at me that he is not ok. I am telling you I am not in my right mind and that’s why I am here.. and now taking meds.


No, it's not bad even with the woman he once cheated on you with BECAUSE he has learned from the cheating and clearly has no desire to cheat on you again, so when he ran into that woman -along with ALL THE OTHER WOMEN in the room - he just went through the room kissing each of them, as we are TAUGHT to do in such an occasion.

I get that you're cycling. You're crashing on emotions. But I'm trying to tell you that it's your emotions that are SCREWING with you and, as an adult, it's your job to do the responsible thing and STEP BACK from your emotions and use your logic.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

I will talk to her on Thursday. I am scared to combine meds. But I need something to help me. I honestly sometimes feel like I am on the verge of losing my mind. I am not sure if thats normal... I can't take it though. I have heard from a few people that the CBT is the way to go though. Its not really talking about your childhood and so on it helps you re wire your brain to think normal.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

turnera said:


> No, it's not bad even with the woman he once cheated on you with BECAUSE he has learned from the cheating and clearly has no desire to cheat on you again, so when he ran into that woman -along with ALL THE OTHER WOMEN in the room - he just went through the room kissing each of them, as we are TAUGHT to do in such an occasion.
> 
> I get that you're cycling. You're crashing on emotions. But I'm trying to tell you that it's your emotions that are SCREWING with you and, as an adult, it's your job to do the responsible thing and STEP BACK from your emotions and use your logic.



I know. My emotions and anxiety are going to be the death of me if I don't get a grip. It's driving me crazy. A part of me is like ok he wasn't intentionally looking to get with her. If he did cycle through and she was one it was just that. Its nothing to write home about. I just think my issue is talking to friends and other female friends sometimes. They give that look and say OMG he didn't that is not ok. And when that happens I get panic and think So I am a fool? he cheated? is that cheating?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What are you doing to improve your self esteem? Your low self worth is the reason you focus on what he may or may not do. If you truly loved and valued yourself, you'd laugh at the thought of getting jealous, because you'd know that you're the best catch he'll ever have a chance at and if you were to leave him, you'd have plenty more men lined up to date you.

There are plenty of books and workbooks on improving your self esteem. Why not go to the library and check out a new one every two weeks?


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

turnera said:


> What are you doing to improve your self esteem? Your low self worth is the reason you focus on what he may or may not do. If you truly loved and valued yourself, you'd laugh at the thought of getting jealous, because you'd know that you're the best catch he'll ever have a chance at and if you were to leave him, you'd have plenty more men lined up to date you.
> 
> There are plenty of books and workbooks on improving your self esteem. Why not go to the library and check out a new one every two weeks?


I will look into some books today. It’s worth a shot. I didn’t think that self esteem was the issue but maybe it is. Maybe that’s why I feel so threatened.. I really shouldn’t be so mad about it I could see me getting pissed if it was just her, but the fact that it was everyone.. I shouldn’t be so mad about it. I sound like an insecure child.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

If you have the time read some of my old posts- nursejackie then it became NJ2
My feelings were often like yours-I understand the desperation and crazy feeling-it's been
A year but I'm off the crazy train and the meds-mc/ic was valuable- I took
Meds 6 months, I read a bunch of books on cbt- I also read some stuff online that described this relationship OCD perfectly

It helped to see what kinds of behaviors were the OCD talking

In the end I had to give up the idea that I was ever going to know details or conclusive truth -my h changed as well- changed into the man I always knew he could be- ic said do you really want to throw this away- you will be letting the next woman who will immediately come along benefit- she will get the husband you worked so hard for- she will get the wonderful Changes...

If I were you I would decide to put this all in the past and focus on the good things you have now

When I gave up 98% of the searching for clues and stopped going over and over everything in my head my anxiety dropped

In fact much of what I thought was evidence that he was cheating
Seemed ludicrously
Stupid and boring

Did he cheat in the past? Most definately- is he cheating now? He'd be a fool to give what we have now up

I made the decision to stay not knowing the details- I'm not a victim-I'm a strong adult who decided
What would be best for her life

Please pm me if you want to talk


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Not gonna lie. It was hard work for Nurse Jackie. She pushed and pulled for, what, Jackie, a couple years? But she made it out the other end.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

I know what you guys are saying. Sometimes this Obsession and anxiety gets the best of me. Where I just want to jump off a bridge and be done all together. But I know this is something I could never do and leave my children. I want to one day see them grow and marry and have babies. Graduate college and become amazing women. And just PRAY they don't have my personality trait. 

I just don't understand how we all let our SO have so much hold over our emotions. I am literally fantasizing that he pecked her. and if he did SO WHAT he kissed all our friends. and he doesn't want her like that and made that very clear all these years. He regrets what he did all the time and has stuck it out with me all this time. So the fact that he may have pecked her why do I care? Am I threatened? Is it my self esteem? I am not sure really... But I do know its childish to think the way I do. I feel that I am always searching for that one person to help me and show me the way. To make me see what I have and not to take life so serious all the time. I am his heart she is not his heart she is a mistake that he regrets, And he feels bad sometimes because he basically talked her into it years ago, She didn't want to and told him it was a bad idea. And that's why I gave her not a full second chance at friendship it was a very surface friendship. But I chalked it up to we were kids. So I guess when it happened again well obviously not a make out. But the possible peck I flipped. But this is so common right? 

I guess you can all see my OCD flaring up right now. But my therapist said trust me girl if you walk away there a plenty of women who are right there willing to take your spot with him warts and all. And she is right. Most marriages deal with more than this and survive. I am such a child about it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

dontworrybehappy said:


> I feel that I am always searching for that one person to help me and show me the way. To make me see what I have and not to take life so serious all the time.


dwbh, that person is YOU. Educate yourself. Start reading books on self esteem. Start volunteering (with your kids, so you show them how to be a good corporate citizen). Start filling your life with wonderful things that SHOW you that you're a great addition to this planet. Once you start seeing that, you'll laugh at the thought of some other woman stealing your man because (1) he knows he'll never get anyone as good as you and (2) you know guys would fall over their feet to get in line if he were to leave.

What I just described is 100 PERCENT self esteem.

PS: I think your therapist is crap. Why isn't she telling you that there are plenty of MEN right there willing to take HIS spot? 

Call her out on it.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I think you're too closely relating two unrelated things. The 10 year ago make out session was a stupid cheating scenario, the New Years thing was a mindless drunken kissing spree common on new years. Intent in these situations matters. It makes sense that the new years thing would be a trigger for you even though it very may well have been nonsexual platonic pecks. I think you clearly should do IC to deal with the general anxiety and look into unresolved feelings from that make out session. MC with a good therapist never hurts and I think could help your husband understand your feelings better. He made need to be more aware that you still have not resolved that past issue, and adjust his behavior accordingly as it is his responsibility to do so. 

I personally have been grabbed and kissed on New Years by a very drunk female friend at a new years party right in front of her husband who is a friend of mine. He and I laughed because we both new she was so drunk she thought I was him. We still mess with her about it. So try to separate the two events if there was no other problems in the intervening years.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

turnera said:


> dwbh, that person is YOU. Educate yourself. Start reading books on self esteem. Start volunteering (with your kids, so you show them how to be a good corporate citizen). Start filling your life with wonderful things that SHOW you that you're a great addition to this planet. Once you start seeing that, you'll laugh at the thought of some other woman stealing your man because (1) he knows he'll never get anyone as good as you and (2) you know guys would fall over their feet to get in line if he were to leave.
> 
> What I just described is 100 PERCENT self esteem.
> 
> ...



I know. I am buying a self esteem book on audible today. Hopefully it helps. I do think this is my main issue. And the Therapist I no longer see. I think I need to stop the talk therapy its getting me know where. I want to find a CBT therapist. the ones I am finding are like $150.00 a session. its Çrazy! but I do need some help cause i am so sick of feeling like this all the time. I do love my husband and think that he is just stupid like we all are when drinking. But he doesn't ever drink like that anymore. And I can't remember the last time I seen him drunk like that. But no I do need more self worth. I hate feeling bad about myself all the time.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

happyhusband0005 said:


> I think you're too closely relating two unrelated things. The 10 year ago make out session was a stupid cheating scenario, the New Years thing was a mindless drunken kissing spree common on new years. Intent in these situations matters. It makes sense that the new years thing would be a trigger for you even though it very may well have been nonsexual platonic pecks. I think you clearly should do IC to deal with the general anxiety and look into unresolved feelings from that make out session. MC with a good therapist never hurts and I think could help your husband understand your feelings better. He made need to be more aware that you still have not resolved that past issue, and adjust his behavior accordingly as it is his responsibility to do so.
> 
> I personally have been grabbed and kissed on New Years by a very drunk female friend at a new years party right in front of her husband who is a friend of mine. He and I laughed because we both new she was so drunk she thought I was him. We still mess with her about it. So try to separate the two events if there was no other problems in the intervening years.


I am too close relating them I know. I just can't handle that he would even peck her. Even if it was just a part of the line up. And I know what it wasn't. I was just triggered. And I know its common. And I am sure s&%# like this has happened all the time. I just hate when people are like OMG nobody kisses on the lips ever unless it's romantic. And I get confused cause I thought it was also very common, Especially amongst good friends. and Nothing sexual. I am also in IC and its ok. I don't know if its helping much. So I want to try CBT. Also had thoughts of doing Hypnosis... I wonder if that even works? I feel I am stuck in like a high school girl mentality. Does that make sense.. Its like the typical OMG she kissed my boyfriend then OMG they pecked at a party when everyone did blah blah blah.

I know what you are saying. I think that I AM JUST MAD cause he should have known instantly that she was a big fat NO when making his rounds, but I don't know how much alcohol plays that role in it's not a bid deal thought process.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

dontworrybehappy said:


> I know. I am buying a self esteem book on audible today. Hopefully it helps. I do think this is my main issue. And the Therapist I no longer see. I think I need to stop the talk therapy its getting me know where. I want to find a CBT therapist. the ones I am finding are like $150.00 a session. its Çrazy! but I do need some help cause i am so sick of feeling like this all the time. I do love my husband and think that he is just stupid like we all are when drinking. But he doesn't ever drink like that anymore. And I can't remember the last time I seen him drunk like that. But no I do need more self worth. I hate feeling bad about myself all the time.


Do you have medical insurance? Most cover mental health, you just have to pick someone in their network. My DD28 is seeing one who does CBT and it costs her about $15 a visit.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

In the meantime, here's something you can do about that high school mentality. Keep a rubber band on your arms at all times. Then picture someone you admire: Mandy Moore, Madelyn Albright, I don't care. Just pick someone. When you catch yourself thinking OMG! - snap the rubber band, to help you focus on that woman you admire. Picture her dealing with a similar situation. Imagine what she would do. And do THAT. The rubber band redirects your awareness away from just FEELING and also starts re-conditioning you; after a while, you're gonna get tired of feeling that rubber band all the time. And that alone will give you impetus to (avoid pain and) start GUIDING your thinking to more grown-up, respectable thoughts.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

dontworrybehappy said:


> I am too close relating them I know. I just can't handle that he would even peck her. Even if it was just a part of the line up. And I know what it wasn't. I was just triggered. And I know its common. And I am sure s&%# like this has happened all the time. I just hate when people are like OMG nobody kisses on the lips ever unless it's romantic. And I get confused cause I thought it was also very common, Especially amongst good friends. and Nothing sexual. I am also in IC and its ok. I don't know if its helping much. So I want to try CBT. Also had thoughts of doing Hypnosis... I wonder if that even works? I feel I am stuck in like a high school girl mentality. Does that make sense.. Its like the typical OMG she kissed my boyfriend then OMG they pecked at a party when everyone did blah blah blah.
> 
> I know what you are saying. I think that I AM JUST MAD cause he should have known instantly that she was a big fat NO when making his rounds, but I don't know how much alcohol plays that role in it's not a bid deal thought process.


I think you are justified to be mad given the past, and I think you feelings are very normal. I think your husband should realize that the one past mistake had long lasting consequences so he should anything that could bring up those feelings for you. He dropped his ability to do that kind of stuff when he made out with her. My original point was meant more as it doesn't really mean there were any bad intentions on his part with the new years thing it was just thoughtless. But some marriage counseling could cover the best way to deal with this in terms of your mind set and how his actions affect you. He probably doesn't understand how deep that wound is.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

turnera said:


> In the meantime, here's something you can do about that high school mentality. Keep a rubber band on your arms at all times. Then picture someone you admire: Mandy Moore, Madelyn Albright, I don't care. Just pick someone. When you catch yourself thinking OMG! - snap the rubber band, to help you focus on that woman you admire. Picture her dealing with a similar situation. Imagine what she would do. And do THAT. The rubber band redirects your awareness away from just FEELING and also starts re-conditioning you; after a while, you're gonna get tired of feeling that rubber band all the time. And that alone will give you impetus to (avoid pain and) start GUIDING your thinking to more grown-up, respectable thoughts.



I got the rubber band on! We shall see how red my wrists get lol. I need to start taking action though. Cause this is not LIVING.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

happyhusband0005 said:


> I think you are justified to be mad given the past, and I think you feelings are very normal. I think your husband should realize that the one past mistake had long lasting consequences so he should anything that could bring up those feelings for you. He dropped his ability to do that kind of stuff when he made out with her. My original point was meant more as it doesn't really mean there were any bad intentions on his part with the new years thing it was just thoughtless. But some marriage counseling could cover the best way to deal with this in terms of your mind set and how his actions affect you. He probably doesn't understand how deep that wound is.


I know that he didn't have any bad intentions. I understand that. I just wish he could see how I feel mostly. Just acknowledge the pain. And why you think its ok. Sometimes I really think that he still believes he didn't cheat like that. 


Do you think I looks like a fool to stay? is this divorce terms?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

dontworrybehappy said:


> I just wish he could see how I feel mostly.


Read the book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. It will help with what you're expecting and hoping for.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

dontworrybehappy said:


> I know that he didn't have any bad intentions. I understand that. I just wish he could see how I feel mostly. Just acknowledge the pain. And why you think its ok. Sometimes I really think that he still believes he didn't cheat like that.
> 
> 
> Do you think I looks like a fool to stay? is this divorce terms?


Here's a great way for you to do your modeling. What would Mandy Moore do? If she loves a man, if she knows he loves her, and he spends 98% of his life with her being a great husband, does these two things, spread 5-10 years apart but on the whole is a great husband, do you think she would divorce him?


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

turnera said:


> Here's a great way for you to do your modeling. What would Mandy Moore do? If she loves a man, if she knows he loves her, and he spends 98% of his life with her being a great husband, does these two things, spread 5-10 years apart but on the whole is a great husband, do you think she would divorce him?


I don't think so. But I probably would look like an idiot to divorce over this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Don't make decisions based on what other people think.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

@turnera lol- sadly it has been almost 4 years start to finish...

On the up side-H and I both think it brought us closer together and matured the relationship-as well as ourselves- I'm sure there must have been an easier way to that end though!

I totally get the cycling looping craziness-I also get the desperation- you just want a break from the incessant thoughts! This type of OCD has you convinced he has done something bad - purposefully kissed that ow- which is the worst possible thing because in your mind you would have to leave him- so you are at the same time trying to convince yourself and others that he didn't do this bad thing ....but you are basing it on the fact you know for certain he did a previously bad thing- kiss the ow....it goes round and round

And it's extremely mind ****ing

You will never know with certainty -
Make the decision to stay because you want to even though you don't know for sure

My IC also said that h would be snapped up in a second- handsome, kind..good income earner, good in bed..... whereas ...she said ... it is harder for women of a certain age - no offense to me (and only a small amount taken) 

Are you better off with him or without him? Because if you don't stop the crazy train eventually you will lose the choice - they can only take so much-

my best friend said -"who knows what he did or didn't do 4 years ago- you want to stay with him as long as he's not doing it now-and he'd be crazy to put up with this if he had someone else he was interested in- quite frankly I'm surprised he's still invested so heavily in the marriage and loves you so much"

This made me realize I was lucky but my luck could run out

The self esteem thing- my friend put it to Me this way- so what does it mean about you if he did have an A 4 years ago
Me- I'm a fool
Friend- no you are still who you always have been
Me- it means I'm a loser
Friend- no you are the same person no matter what 
Me- it means I'm not attractive enough
Friend- no you are still the same person inside and out etc 

It helped to think along those lines


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

dontworrybehappy said:


> I know that he didn't have any bad intentions. I understand that. I just wish he could see how I feel mostly. Just acknowledge the pain. And why you think its ok. Sometimes I really think that he still believes he didn't cheat like that.
> 
> 
> Do you think I looks like a fool to stay? is this divorce terms?


Is it divorce level stuff I don't know, I don't think so but I'm sure there are more issues involved. I think you need to do some counseling with him so he understands that there is an underlying issue in your relationship because of his past behavior which will require him to adjust his actions now and in the future. In his mind you both moved past the previous screw up. I'm guessing for the most part under normal circumstances you have, but there will always be certain things that bring up those negative feelings and anxiety over this type of stuff. What I'm getting from you is his dismissal of your feelings is the big issue now which is something he should be able to work on with you. You both may need to have a little patience with each other but he needs to commit to working on it as well as you both defining boundaries.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

I totally get the cycling looping craziness-I also get the desperation- you just want a break from the incessant thoughts! This type of OCD has you convinced he has done something bad - purposefully kissed that ow- which is the worst possible thing because in your mind you would have to leave him- so you are at the same time trying to convince yourself and others that he didn't do this bad thing ....but you are basing it on the fact you know for certain he did a previously bad thing- kiss the ow....it goes round and round

And it's extremely mind ****ing

You will never know with certainty -
Make the decision to stay because you want to even though you don't know for sure

My IC also said that h would be snapped up in a second- handsome, kind..good income earner, good in bed..... whereas ...she said ... it is harder for women of a certain age - no offense to me (and only a small amount taken) 

Are you better off with him or without him? Because if you don't stop the crazy train eventually you will lose the choice - they can only take so much-

my best friend said -"who knows what he did or didn't do 4 years ago- you want to stay with him as long as he's not doing it now-and he'd be crazy to put up with this if he had someone else he was interested in- quite frankly I'm surprised he's still invested so heavily in the marriage and loves you so much"

This made me realize I was lucky but my luck could run out

The self esteem thing- my friend put it to Me this way- so what does it mean about you if he did have an A 4 years ago
Me- I'm a fool
Friend- no you are still who you always have been
Me- it means I'm a loser
Friend- no you are the same person no matter what 
Me- it means I'm not attractive enough
Friend- no you are still the same person inside and out etc 

It helped to think along those lines[/QUOTE]


Literally I feel like you are me. This is nuts reading how you are thinking is EXACTLY how I am also thinking. 
A part of my brain is like OK so he seen her in line and knew she was there and kissed her anyways thinking it was ok. Or he was so drunk that he just didn't care. Thinking that we are all friends again and its not a big deal, He didn't really feel like the first time was cheat cheating so... And I don't know if he would kiss everyone Just to get a kiss from her. That sounds a bit nutty. I can see that my thoughts sometimes are CRAZY and that sometimes I think I fantasize things in my head. Instead of thinking black and white like men do. 

And you are right I am 36 years old. And women don't age with grace like men. LOL. I do think that he is just not acknowledging my feelings and thinking I am being crazy and its not a big deal. But I don't think he realizes that it struck a nerve. And it brought me right back to all that trauma.. 

What do you do for your OCD?


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Is it divorce level stuff I don't know, I don't think so but I'm sure there are more issues involved. I think you need to do some counseling with him so he understands that there is an underlying issue in your relationship because of his past behavior which will require him to adjust his actions now and in the future. In his mind you both moved past the previous screw up. I'm guessing for the most part under normal circumstances you have, but there will always be certain things that bring up those negative feelings and anxiety over this type of stuff. What I'm getting from you is his dismissal of your feelings is the big issue now which is something he should be able to work on with you. You both may need to have a little patience with each other but he needs to commit to working on it as well as you both defining boundaries.



Yes exactly he did just excuse my feelings. And is done with me bringing up the past all the time. And I get that it's not ok for me to keep digging it all up, cause its killing our marriage. He wants to focus on the now. And the good. I get that he has stuck with me for all this time after what he did and me punishing him. Its crazy that he would stick around for all this time. Most people would have had it with me and been done. But I am just irritated that he was so reckless. And I guess I just wonder if men just think differently. Maybe women just way overthink things and dig more into things that are not really a big deal?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Men absolutely think differently.
Dave Barry:
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking:... so that means it was... let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the odometer... Whoa! I am way over due for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my school girl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that... It's that I... I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can ,tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that the thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. 
(This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and every thing he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression,and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

We're not talking about different wavelengths here. We're talking about different planets, in completely different solar systems. Elaine cannot communicate meaningfully with Roger about their relationship anymore than she can meaningfully play chess with a duck. Because the sum total of Roger's thinking on this particular topic is as follows:

Huh?

But the point I'm trying to make is that, if you're a woman, and you want to have a successful relationship with a guy, the No. 1 tip to remember is: 1. Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. The guy will not realize this on his own. You have to plant the idea in his brain by constantly making subtle references to it in your everyday conversation, such as:
-- "Roger, would you mind passing me a Sweet 'n' Low, in as much as we have a relationship?"
-- "Wake up, Roger! There's a prowler in the den and we have a relationship! You and I do, I mean."
-- "Good News, Roger! The gynecologist says we're going to have our fourth child, which will serve as yet another indication that we have a relationship!"
-- "Roger, inasmuch as this plane is crashing and we probably have only about a minute to live, I want you to know that we've had a wonderful 53 years of marriage together, which clearly constitutes a relationship."

Never let up, women. Pound away relentlessly at this concept, and eventually it will start to penetrate the guy's brain. Some day he might even start thinking about it on his own. He'll be talking with some other guys about women, and, out of the blue, he'll say, "Elaine and I, we have, ummm... We have, ahhh... We... We have this thing." And he will sincerely mean it.

The next relationship-enhancement tip is: 2. Do not expect the guy to make a hasty commitment. By "hasty," I mean, "within your lifetime." Guys are extremely reluctant to make commitments. This is because they never feel ready.

"I'm sorry," guys are always telling women, "but I'm just not ready to make a commitment." Guys are in a permanent state of nonreadiness. If guys were turkey breasts, you could put them in a 350-degree oven on July Fourth, and they still wouldn't be done in time for Thanksgiving.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

NJ2 said:


> On the up side-H and I both think it brought us closer together and matured the relationship-as well as ourselves- I'm sure there must have been an easier way to that end though!
> 
> I totally get the cycling looping craziness-I also get the desperation- you just want a break from the incessant thoughts! This type of OCD has you convinced he has done something bad - purposefully kissed that ow- which is the worst possible thing because in your mind you would have to leave him- so you are at the same time trying to convince yourself and others that he didn't do this bad thing ....but you are basing it on the fact you know for certain he did a previously bad thing- kiss the ow....it goes round and round
> 
> ...


Yes, the poor poor muffins can ONLY take so much and we all must make sure they feel safe and secure at all times. 

So your therapist actually condones your thinking that your husband's cheating brought you 'closer' together and it 'matured' your relationship? And *more *so, you should basically cling to this guy like grim death and be grateful you have him because he's such a 'catch' (even though he's a liar and cheater) who could replace you very easily, whereas *you* don't have much marketability on the single's market anymore?

This is EXACTLY why I think therapists are a waste of time and money.

OP, I hope you don't get stuck with a "therapist" like the one in the quote above. Do some serious reading about co-dependency and see if that applies to you.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

dontworrybehappy said:


> I totally get the cycling looping craziness-I also get the desperation- you just want a break from the incessant thoughts! This type of OCD has you convinced he has done something bad - purposefully kissed that ow- which is the worst possible thing because in your mind you would have to leave him- so you are at the same time trying to convince yourself and others that he didn't do this bad thing ....but you are basing it on the fact you know for certain he did a previously bad thing- kiss the ow....it goes round and round
> 
> And it's extremely mind ****ing
> 
> ...



Literally I feel like you are me. This is nuts reading how you are thinking is EXACTLY how I am also thinking. 
A part of my brain is like OK so he seen her in line and knew she was there and kissed her anyways thinking it was ok. Or he was so drunk that he just didn't care. Thinking that we are all friends again and its not a big deal, He didn't really feel like the first time was cheat cheating so... And I don't know if he would kiss everyone Just to get a kiss from her. That sounds a bit nutty. I can see that my thoughts sometimes are CRAZY and that sometimes I think I fantasize things in my head. Instead of thinking black and white like men do. 

And you are right I am 36 years old. And women don't age with grace like men. LOL. I do think that he is just not acknowledging my feelings and thinking I am being crazy and its not a big deal. But I don't think he realizes that it struck a nerve. And it brought me right back to all that trauma.. 

What do you do for your OCD?[/QUOTE]


36 is sooooo young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Lots and lots of years! You are in your prime! I'm almost 60. I definately dont think that you should even consider your age or marketability in this as a contributing factor. For me it was only one of many many considerations that led me to my decision to let it go.

The most important single thing for you to consider is that your mental health is at stake. You will get sicker and sicker.... It can feel life threatening when your mind is a mess. You feel so out of control and helpless. But, you arent. You have choices. You can make changes to your brain. The issue for you is not what he did or didnt do. It doesnt matter whether people here or anywhere think it was intentional or not, divorce worthy or not....you do not have to make any decision right now. The only thing you have to do is get well. 

When you are healthy minded you can make a decision to stay or go based on what is best for you and no one else. The OCD has given these events far too much importance. It has labeled them as threatening and your fight or flight has kicked in. Thats why you feel so anxious all the time. Your brain thinks your very existence is in danger and your defense mechanisms wont shut off. Its all based on reactions that were supposed to help us in dangerous situations but its gone overboard. Its not helping. You need to stop the loop.

Look up Dr Heather stone "searching for bad news" read all of the articles surrounding the OCD and anxiety that she has written. You will see yourself and be amazed at how she knows exactly what you are thinking. There are recommendations for self help. The biggest most important one is to just stop. In the end that is what I had to do. I had to stop. I had to throw away all my notes and files and trackers.....I had to recognize when I started to loop and break it with a hot bath, reading a book, self talk....It wasnt easy and I cried hysterically at just the thought of stopping. Partly because I didnt want to and partly because I didnt think I ever could.

I am not 100% better. I still think some thoughts every day and I still look at his phone from time to time. But we are talking decreasing the obsession to a point where it isnt my life. It doesnt interfere with my health or my relationship. I feel calm and stable. I feel able to make a decision based on the facts and not my made up stories in my head. I have been able to leave all the big emotions behind. I am so much more at peace.

I am on wellbutrin for low dopamine, but I am no longer on the antidepressent for OCD. I still see my IC but not as often. It can happen for you too. Get well. Dont worry about this other issue. When you are well you will be able to see that it does not need to make or break your life. 

You can choose to stay- knowing that you can choose to leave at any time. You cant choose to leave - and know that you can return at any time.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Don’tWorry,

I am sorry to see you are still obsessing about your H’s foolish kisses with the OW 10 years ago......it was definitely stupid and uncalled for.

But I will repeat my views that I have expressed on a couple other of your threads since I get the feeling that some of the recent discussion here is pushing you towards considering D.....

There is no excuse for the stupid mistake your H made.....but he claims that he told you everything about how and why it happened, though you obsess that you do not know the full truth.

But the issue of ‘full truth’ is front and center IMO about why your H just wants to rugsweep past events between you and move on.....and I think this is a huge mistake on his part as I posted to you before.

But I think your H wants to just leave the past go because I suspect that he thinks he does not know all the truth about your two incidents of inappropriate behavior, the strip poker incident with friends and your EA where you shared with the board that you answered many of his questions with ‘I don’t remember’ answers.

IMO your H thinks he will never get the full truth of what went on with you during these incidents, and in frustration has just decided it is best for both of you to accept each other’s stories and move forward....in other words rugsweep.

As I said before, I think this is a mistake for your M in the long run......and it would be much healthier if both of you hashed it out so that neither of you had any doubts about what truly happened.

But it does appear that this is the path your H thinks is best, whether out of frustration that he will never know you truth and just wants to move on, or because he truly thinks it is the best course, I cannot say....but everything you have ever shared about his words and actions does suggest he is in full rugsweep mode.

At this point, however, your obsession about HIS stupid choices is going to lead to the end of your M soon if not addressed.

IMO he will eventually get fed up with the fact you cannot get over his moronic behavior when he seems to have dropped asking questions about your incidents.....he will get upset that he has let your behavior go, while you continue to harp on his.....

He will eventually give up.....

I still think the best path for you and your H, as I posted in one of your earlier threads, is for you two to have a fully honest and open discussion about these traumas to your M.....

But that will include a full surrender of the truth on your part as well.....honestly, ‘I don’t remember’ is not going to cut it.

But if you absolutely have to have every detail about his ignorant actions (which your H has sworn he has already told you), then you must accept that this will be a two way street.....and any details which you are still hiding will have to be revealed as well to have any true R in your M.

I do wish you the best in fixing your M.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Yes, the poor poor muffins can ONLY take so much and we all must make sure they feel safe and secure at all times.
> 
> So your therapist actually condones your thinking that your husband's cheating brought you 'closer' together and it 'matured' your relationship? And *more *so, you should basically cling to this guy like grim death and be grateful you have him because he's such a 'catch' (even though he's a liar and cheater) who could replace you very easily, whereas *you* don't have much marketability on the single's market anymore?
> 
> ...


 @She'sStillGotIt -I totally understand your point of view. It is based on your experiences. It feels morally and ethically right and it may seem to you like that is the only true perspective.

My actions and feelings are made up of different experiences. Both my parents had multiple A's yet stayed married for 60 years. My mom died at 90- a few weeks before she died she told me looking back she didnt really care that my dad had sex with another woman it was the fact he gave her his wedding ring that bothered her... My mom said she knew how much my dad loved her so eventually forgave him and moved on. She had an A with my dads secretary's husband as well - I think it was an ego fling. He left her for a few weeks then came back- After my mom passed my dad said the only way he could fall asleep was to envision holding my moms hand and walking her around a resort they loved to go to. He cared for all her needs including her personal hygene for the last years of her life despite often being in pain himself. 

I struggled with their relationship and was angry at both of them after they died. I have since realized that they had a love that was not perfect as they were not perfect. It lasted 60 years through sickness and health in good times and in bad. They went to MC's and marriage retreats and worked through their issues over the years. They stayed together because they chose to. No one told them how to feel they just felt it and decided to keep going.

I had an A early in our marriage. I am not worthy of judging. 
The therapist and I talked candidly about imagining what would happen if I left. It was part of letting go of the OCD thoughts. I needed to work through that in order to realize that I didnt actually intend or want to leave him whether he had cheated 4 years ago or not. Honestly the kisses from 25 years ago I put down to immaturity, stupidity and selfishness (like my A ) They were never even part of the OCD. 

I am almost 60. From what I hear from my friends the market for 60 year old women is 70 year old men. I'm not interested. The 60 year old men want the 45-50year old women and lord forbid if they have a few pounds on them. 

I would rather keep my H. I go to sleep in his arms and wake up to his kisses. He never misses an opportunity to tell me he loves me or to express appreciation for having me in his life. He went to MC and IC for 4 years with me to try and work through this. He went to a couples retreat to try to learn to become more vulnerable. He took 2 marriage courses at church to help him work at being a better husband. He goes to yoga with me 3x a week because i'm unable to golf with him right now. He packs a snack and we watch the sunset together by a fire-often. He wants to hold my hand. He tapes his sports so we can watch netflix together and watches his game when I'm busy. He supported my desire to raise chickens out of the blue. He will support me buying a horse and learning to ride if I think on it for a year to make sure it isnt an OCD thing. He looks me in the eye when I'm talking to him and listens.

So yes- we are closer, the relationship is stronger, we are happier in many ways. Sometimes it takes greater strength to stay than to leave. This works for us and really that is all that matters. 

I wish you the best -I always enjoy your honest straightforward posts


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Dyokemm said:


> Don’tWorry,
> 
> I am sorry to see you are still obsessing about your H’s foolish kisses with the OW 10 years ago......it was definitely stupid and uncalled for.
> 
> ...



I know I think that I have a form of maybe Bi polar... I thought that was just the crazy mood swings, but I guess its a form of Depression, anxiety and OCD. I am working on it. But I know that you are right. Its foolish and I process it just as that sometimes. And then others my brain goes against me. It starts to fantasize things and make things what they are not. 

I know that what I did was actually worse then what he does. I wonder if thats why I keep punishing myself. I do know that what was discussed was sexual innuendos and I have told him that. I can't recall word for word, because I am an idiot and would take ambiem with booze... Not smart at all. I am so glad I didn't die. 

And I know you are right. I need to stop the questions and move on in our life. I know that he isn't trying to rug sweep he actually has been more accommodating than most people. Dealing with me for 10 years. Most people would have been gone. I mean its got close for sure to that. But thankfully he is still here. He obviously loves me to be here after all that. Cause to be honest I couldn't deal with that if he questioned me all the time. I would lose it. I do think that for the most part he has been honest with me. And he even told me that he would have never even done that with her if she didn't kiss him. So It wasn't something he was always wanting to do and thinking about. That makes me feel better. I mean the fact that he just acted like a man. Not someone who was like OMG I really like this women and really wish she would make a move on me. 

I just need to live in the now. I have stayed for 10 years! obviously I don't want to go anywhere and need to stop punishing. I also need to forgive myself. I need to let the old ways die....


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

You can choose to stay- knowing that you can choose to leave at any time. You cant choose to leave - and know that you can return at any time.[/QUOTE]


This right here.... 


Yes, you are right. I can't regret walking away. If I want to stay married to this man for the rest of my life. You can't look at couples who have been married 40+ years and think nothing like this or worse has happened. We are all human. Things happen. I need to read that OCD research paper you sent me. I am going to start recovering myself and try to live the better life as you did. I can't base my happiness on the past anymore. I know right now it's easier said than done. But I can't mentally keep doing this to myself it's killing me. I need to work on self esteem and focus on other things. Maybe find myself again... I am sure this will be hard. Cause my entire life had revolved around kids and husband. Not me. So wish me luck.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

I don't want you to think I'm cured or living in marital bliss-sometimes I read my posts and think "ugh barf" they seem so sappy.

The road has been long and hard and there are still plenty of bumps.

Case in point- I found a work shirt in a ragbag with a females name on it- he was using it to wipe a mess up-he was not hiding it- I freaked out- things like that trigger me right back to the beginning. 

I spent the night accusing him of all kinds of things and bringing up old hurts and unfinished business.

I forced myself to go to bed at 8:00 before I ramped up too bad and licked the bedroom door- if he'd come to bed I would have started all over again. I do know that it helps me to distance myself when I'm triggered until I am calm

The next day- today I left the house and stayed away most of the day reading a book. It happened to talk about marriage being a love hate relationship if there are deep feelings- fueled by unrealistic expectations, idealizations, and baggage from our childhood

It was saying that in order to be happy in a long term marriage we have to recognize each other for the imperfect beings we are-and move on- forget that we are ever going to have 100% intimacy, understanding, love.... it will waiver in both parties over the years

I came home and h had bought me a recreation membership so we could go swimming together and he fixed my new chicken coop

I am calm but it will take awhile till I can let go of it-he lied many times and it is always that which is the hardest to move on from- because I don't really "know"-which kicks the OCD into high gear

I do have coping mechanisms to minimize the damage- removing myself from the trigger (him) giving myself time to put some mental distance- read, walk, shop,
Then revisit it and see if I can separate the OCD stuff

OCD stuff- he is having an affair with the girl who owns the shirt- it is small so she must be beautiful and much younger- she took the shirt off while they were screwing in the work vehicle- while they laughed at my stupidity-CRAZY-the shirt was most likely from a bag of rags from work- he had another guys shirt as well- I looked up the name and there isn't one who is in his department or that would fit into it....

Real-He has lied before - this is where the distrust comes from- 
not crazy-but I have chosen to stay and recognize that there are no guarantees in life and this is what I think is best for me


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

> dontworrybehappy said:
> 
> 
> > You can choose to stay- knowing that you can choose to leave at any time. You cant choose to leave - and know that you can return at any time.
> ...


[/QUOTE]

I think I mentioned in one of your other threads I think it would be helpful to do something completely new with your H like go to Paris or something and make new memories. Replace the bad memories with good ones. A new routine maybe, a new house, a new city, or just a hiking trip or camping. Something you can build on and create a new life going forward without obsessing about the past. Maybe trying something totally new will get your mind going on a new track.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

NJ2 said:


> I don't want you to think I'm cured or living in marital bliss-sometimes I read my posts and think "ugh barf" they seem so sappy.
> 
> The road has been long and hard and there are still plenty of bumps.
> 
> ...


I know what you mean. I think with my OCD It plays over and over in my head until I ask him straight out. That it my release. I need to find another way. Like today no Yesterday I got the thought in my head about what if he was touching her A$$ under her pants and not over her pants. Then for sure he was trying for sex. So now its playing over in my head and I want to ask him so bad. Even though I know I have asked him before and he said no. It wasn't like that. It's super frustrating. I wish I knew how to turn of that flight or fight mode... when you learn tell me. lol. I honestly wonder why we give our spouses so much power over our emotions...


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

I think I mentioned in one of your other threads I think it would be helpful to do something completely new with your H like go to Paris or something and make new memories. Replace the bad memories with good ones. A new routine maybe, a new house, a new city, or just a hiking trip or camping. Something you can build on and create a new life going forward without obsessing about the past. Maybe trying something totally new will get your mind going on a new track.[/QUOTE]



I have signed up for volunteer work to keep me busy and make new memories and more things not to sit and worry about. We just bought a new home. So thats getting all put together for new memories. I would love to plan a trip for next year something just the two of us. And NOT bring it up. My problem is whenever we are alone and start a conversation somehow I always bring up the past. I don't know why I am holding on so tight. I wonder if I just want to NOT forget so I don't ever look like the fool again.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Trust once broken is very hard to deal with going forward. You know they've hurt you badly in the past and you're afraid they will again so your imagination can get the better of you. The problem is not really knowing the truth because you're not inside their head and never will be. When you R with someone who's betrayed you then you have to accept you may never know all they've done or what they may be capable of doing in the future. You have to go forward with uncertainty. It's more difficult for some to accept that than for others (I was one who had a lot of trouble accepting it so I know that feeling very well).


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Openminded said:


> Trust once broken is very hard to deal with going forward. You know they've hurt you badly in the past and you're afraid they will again so your imagination can get the better of you. The problem is not really knowing the truth because you're not inside their head and never will be. When you R with someone who's betrayed you then you have to accept you may never know all they've done or what they may be capable of doing in the future. You have to go forward with uncertainty. It's more difficult for some to accept that than for others (I was one who had a lot of trouble accepting it so I know that feeling very well).


I know that drives me crazy... I hate this feeling and I get so mad that he was so stupid.. But what can I do now I decided to stay so I guess I will have to just deal with this. And try my best to stop the thoughts and be happy. It's so hard cause we have so much history that I would hate to see me walk away. But sometimes Just sometimes I want to. Only cause my pride says don't stay with someone who did you wrong. I need to kill my ego..


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

dontworrybehappy said:


> I think with my OCD It plays over and over in my head until I ask him straight out. That it my release. I need to find another way.


 I totally get this. I do the same thing. The only way to stop the ruminations is to directly question them. They creep up again and you ask again. Eventually, for me, after a few times, they started to decrease. They still happen, not as frequently and not as severe as to need questioning anywhere near as much as in the past. after 10 years you should have had some relief after asking and asking if the answers were consistent. You definitely need to find another way to deal with it or it WILL become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You will make happen what you fear.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

dontworrybehappy said:


> My problem is whenever we are alone and start a conversation somehow I always bring up the past.


Rubber band on the wrist?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It sounds to me like you are so entwined with him that you can no longer see that you will and can survive without him. You make it sound like your life would end if you weren't with him every single day. Of course you'll be unable to stop obsessing if you can't even understand you would be just fine without him. Once you accept THAT, your boundaries for what you tolerate will change exponentially. For example, you may not be able to do anything about what he did in the past, but you WOULD then know that if he ever does it again, you will be GONE. And just knowing that will give you a ton of peace.

Have you read the book Codependent No More?


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

I think you never fully processed what happened between your husband and your friend ten years ago, the New Year's incident basically retriggered that whole experience in you. It sounds like PTSD. My questions are, what has been going on in the four years since the New Year's incident? Was there a time it wasn't bothering you or have you been obsessing over this the entire time? Do you trust your husband or not? 

Your husband is not a villain or a knight in shining armor, he's just a guy who made a mistake ten years ago and then something thoughtless four years ago. The responsibility for fixing the relationship is not solely on him and for it to work, you have to be able to forgive him, not forget, but forgive. Do you feel like he fully heard how this affected you and truly regrets what happened / his role in it? Have you ever read any of Gottman's work on atone, attune, and attach?


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Violet28 said:


> I think you never fully processed what happened between your husband and your friend ten years ago, the New Year's incident basically retriggered that whole experience in you. It sounds like PTSD. My questions are, what has been going on in the four years since the New Year's incident? Was there a time it wasn't bothering you or have you been obsessing over this the entire time? Do you trust your husband or not?
> 
> Your husband is not a villain or a knight in shining armor, he's just a guy who made a mistake ten years ago and then something thoughtless four years ago. The responsibility for fixing the relationship is not solely on him and for it to work, you have to be able to forgive him, not forget, but forgive. Do you feel like he fully heard how this affected you and truly regrets what happened / his role in it? Have you ever read any of Gottman's work on atone, attune, and attach?


I know I haven't I hate trying to face the emotions of it. I hate the feelings they give me. I just want so bad to put it in a place that I never think about it. I can't it comes full force. In the past four years its been ok. we have been really food for a year. but when I tried to get off my meds it all went super bad. 

Today has been awful I asked him if when he kissed her and was grabbing her a$$ if he went in her pants. He just text and said No. I said how sure are you? He said sure why?????????????? And then all hell broke lose. I think that he is sick and tired of it all after all these years. he said that I have single handed taken over our relationship and put it in crazy town. And he has worked hard for our family and soon it will all crash into a million pieces. I need to either be with him or don't but he is done living in the middle. 
He then said WTF what does it matter anymore??? what if the worse happ[ened (100%) didn't happen but what if we F*&%*&^ what would you do now? would you divorce me? then said Ok that's far to far think of anything but sex and we are here would you divorce me? I said yes. and he said you don't get it. what I am saying is what does it matter now. 

I really hate conversations like this because I don't know how to process this as a normal person does. now I have my brain in over drive thinking the worse.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

dontworrybehappy said:


> Today has been awful I asked him if when he kissed her and was grabbing her a$$ if he went in her pants. He just text and said No. I said how sure are you? He said sure why?????????????? And then all hell broke lose. I think that he is sick and tired of it all after all these years. he said that I have single handed taken over our relationship and put it in crazy town.


I agree with him. You need full time weekly therapy.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Don’tWorry,

This is what I suspected might happen when I posted to you earlier on this thread that your H was eventually going to get frustrated and give up if your obsession continued.

And the way he phrased his conversation with you is enlightening IMO.....

By phrasing it as what would it matter if he did do more with AP (which he still denied 100%), he was giving you a subtle hint at how he has just dropped these same doubts about your previous behavior.

He has just dropped his doubts and moved on.....but you have not reciprocated and he has had his fill of it apparently.

As I suspected, he just wants to rugsweep both of your behaviors into the past and move on (notice, even in his frustration, he did not counterattack you about your incomplete stories)......

His anger is because you are not doing the same.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

dontworrybehappy said:


> I really hate conversations like this because I don't know how to process this as a normal person does. now I have my brain in over drive thinking the worse.


He is sick to death of discussing this. It sounds like he's saying either sh!t or get off the pot. It was ten years ago and you chose to stay with him, that doesn't mean you get to nag and berate him for the rest of his life. If you want to stay with him, you have to find a way to get past it or he will take the choice out of your hands for you. Try going a whole day without bringing it up then two days, then a week, it will get easier. In the meantime, get back into marital counseling to fix CURRENT issues impacting your marriage.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Here is the conversation we had. Let me know and be honest am I missing something does he sound like he is hiding something?

Me: Can I ask you a question that’s been laying heavily on me?
Him: Sure
Me: Did you put your hands in her pants when you kissed her?
Him: No
Him: So it’s going to be one of these days? What other questions?
Me: It’s not one of those days. I am just asking if you knew you did or not?
Him: Knew? I didn’t
Me: How sure are you?
Him: Sure why?????????????????????
Me: Just sure?
Him? What are you getting at?
Me: You just don’t sound sure.
Him: Is sure not enough?
Him: I am F(*^(& texting you how can you tell?
Me: well if you k new you would say hell no I didn’t or 100% didn’t do that. I know how you react when you are sure.
Him: Ok Hell no I am 100% sure. I swear you try and kill us I try to make us fun and you try to kill us. Ya I could ask you all of these stupid questions about your thing but what’s the point???????????????
Me: ok I just asked a question, And I am asking cause Don’t you think that hands in the pants is a little far.
Him: Ok we are talking about too far…… Look crazy it was all too far and so was urs.
Me: Ok so don’t you think that hands in pants is bad and I know.
Him: Yes it is its all f*&$# up both are **** wasn’t right but that was 10 years ago.
Me: So what are you saying? If you did just say it.
Him: I DID NOT DO IT. Why are you asking me now? Oh this is why you were so interested in my day today cause you really had to ask me some **** today good one.
Me: I just feel sad today and was thinking back. I just want to be sure cause that would be you wanting more
Him: WTF I hate this bull****.
Me: I know I hate that I show any weakness I am stronger than this. I just hope that you loves me enough
Him: I am always doing what you want. And then taking your bs forever why, why do I do this to myself do you know I can’t even touch you on your @&% without thinking oh shoot she is probably thinking about my past right now. Loved what are you getting at you are ruining our relationship that we have worked hard to build.
Me: I don’t think about that when you touch me. And why are you so defensive right now. I asked a valid question doesn’t that make you mad.
Him: you have single handed taken over our relationship and put in in crazy town. I have worked hard for you and our family. You don’t even go to work. I feel like this is going to crash into a lot of pieces soon. It all makes me mad either be with me or don’t I am done living in the middle. I hate my life what’s the point.
Me: Why is that cause you want it to I mean marriage is work. And you hate your life? Why cause me? If you are seriously having doubts should we buy this house this scares me..
Him: You keep toxic BS in our relationship I never ask about ur **** and I don’t care anymore I made a decision to be with you so I treat you like it never happened but can I at least get the same treatment no more or less why cant I have that????????? Tell me cause you have talked to a ton of people so why cant I have that?
Me: I do give you that I show you love and try so hard to not let things interact in my life. I have times of struggle and thought I would ask. Your my best friend and I need to talk sometimes.
Him: Ur a hypocrite
Me: Why? I don’t understand why you are mad at the question?
Him: Whatever I am not taking yours or anyone’s crap anymore. Its not the question its just that its still here, How is that so hard to understand? Now my day is ruined but hey wouldn’t be a normal Monday. I need to be alone I am so mad right now. I am a grown man now I am not 23 anymore I want respect.
Me: I do respect you. Me asking was my insecurities not lack of respect.
Him: WTF Does it matter anymore?????? If the worse of the worse happened (100%) didn’t but what if we had @#$ what would you do now? Would you divorce me? Ok that’s to far not @&% but anything but that and we are here would you divorce me?
Me: Yes and you would also. You wouldn’t be with me if I touched him I know you.
Him: You don’t get it. What I am saying is what does it matter now? I already figure things didn’t happen the way you said it did. But I don’t care I thought about it and I just want to be with you. That’s what making a decision is I pick you over your bad decisions that one time do you not get this???????
Me: Yes I do get it all it matters to me now cause you would have ad the opportunity to tell me all this time.
Him: So you don’t get it and nothing else happened I give up never mind. I will never talk to you about this anymore I just can’t I am shutting the door Leave me if you want but I will NEVER talk to you about his or your situation ever again Its toxic. Think what you want I really don’t care you are still trying to judge the kid I was. I can’t juggle this anymore Why is it so hard for you to treat me as I am? Not what I did I don’t do that to you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No he is not hiding something. Not only that, but he's saying he doesn't believe YOU, that he assumes YOU did more than you admit, but he has decided he wants you enough that he's putting it in the past. 

Why does he get defensive and angry? Because you ASK him if did ABC, he says no he didn't, and then you immediately DISAGREE with him and tell him you can't believe what he tells you and you continue to badger him to try to catch him in a lie. 

Can you even imagine how you would feel if he asked YOU something and then immediately tried to re-ask it 3 different ways because he doesn't believe you?

Did I hear that you don't have a job? Is that right? If so, what does your day look like? How many times a week are you around other adults? Do you do things with friends? Do you volunteer somewhere? 

And seriously, are you in therapy? Why not?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Honestly?

Sounds like you are nitpicking over words. You asked "How sure are you?". He said "I am sure." Then you start in with "Only sure" because his answer was not qualified with 100% sure, or very sure, or absolutely sure or some other adjective that you would like to hear. It sounds very much like you wanted to start an argument no matter what the answer to your question was.

It also sounds like you had an incident with another man in the past and your husband suspects that he has not gotten the whole truth from you, but has decided to move past it and work on the marriage. He is very frustrated that you cannot do the same.

I don't know you or your husband, but as an outside observer, it sounds like he is right and you are very ashamed of what you did and are still hiding the whole truth from him. You are intent on getting your husband to admit that his encounter with another woman 10 years ago was as bad as what you did with another man. So....have you told him the whole truth about what you did, or are you still hiding something from him as he thinks you are? 

I think he is being truthful with you, but you are not being entirely truthful with him.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

I just read that description of your conversation, and...










The name of this thread is certainly apropos.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Truthfully? I'm not surprised he's done with this topic if that text exchange was typical. 

You will never know what really happened so you need to let it go or let him go.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Dyokemm said:


> Don’tWorry,
> 
> This is what I suspected might happen when I posted to you earlier on this thread that your H was eventually going to get frustrated and give up if your obsession continued.
> 
> ...


I don't want to rug sweep. And I have told him all I can recall. I know I didn't do anything physical mine was words. His was physical and not words. I know you all are right and I need to let it all go. But how? I need help. I cant lose my marriage.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Openminded said:


> Truthfully? I'm not surprised he's done with this topic if that text exchange was typical.
> 
> You will never know what really happened so you need to let it go or let him go.



Trust me I feel crazy.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

turnera said:


> No he is not hiding something. Not only that, but he's saying he doesn't believe YOU, that he assumes YOU did more than you admit, but he has decided he wants you enough that he's putting it in the past.
> 
> Why does he get defensive and angry? Because you ASK him if did ABC, he says no he didn't, and then you immediately DISAGREE with him and tell him you can't believe what he tells you and you continue to badger him to try to catch him in a lie.
> 
> ...


You honestly think he is not hiding anything and telling the truth. I can't tell anymore with how crazy I am in getting back right with meds. FML... I know that he is angry because of me. I am so over the top and this shouldnt be a main conversation 10 years later. I do have moments of clarity. But he really trips me up when he says things like. Why are you asking this now? And what if the worse happened. It makes my mind think ok are you trying to say that this happened.... I get lost in my head. I hate it. So thats why I like this site. Strangers read it with no BS and sides they just see what the obvious is. 

Right now its work home. And no hobby.. I need one I just don't ever feel up to leaving the house.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

TDSC60 said:


> Honestly?
> 
> Sounds like you are nitpicking over words. You asked "How sure are you?". He said "I am sure." Then you start in with "Only sure" because his answer was not qualified with 100% sure, or very sure, or absolutely sure or some other adjective that you would like to hear. It sounds very much like you wanted to start an argument no matter what the answer to your question was.
> 
> ...


I did have something with a man in the past. It was an EA it happened after his incident. I am not proud of it. And I don't recall much of our conversations. I know a lot of the time I was mixing ambiem and booze NOT a good idea... 

I am ashamed fo sure with what I did. And He knows I am not telling all of what was discussed. I know that. I know I will not know all of what they discussed either. But I do feel its fair to know what physically happened. I am not really hiding things. I just don't want to say something that was not said and I think I said if that makes sense. And I think that if you are right that makes me really sad that he is saying this all to say I dont get that he is willing to put it all behind not knowing when he has told me everything truthful.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Tron said:


> I just read that description of your conversation, and...
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I know!!!! 😂


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

That conversation could easily have been one that my H and I had....manymanymany times. Same **** different words on and on and on...

This is what my IC kept saying to me but I couldnt understand it- IT DOESNT MATTER!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT DOESNT MATTER IF HE DID OR DIDNT DO THIS OR THAT.....NO ONE EVER KNOWS THE WHOLE TRUTH WITH THESE THINGS, YOU WILL NEVER KNOW FOR CERTAIN WHAT HE DID OR DIDNT, HOW HE FELT OR DIDNT FEEL.....IT DOESNT MATTER!!!!!!!

I would say but it does matter- if he did A I will stay, if he did B I will go....If he felt A I will stay if he felt B I will leave...
thats why I need to know - I cant move on unless I know, I cant make relationship decisions unless I know 100% everything!

The thing is you wont know- ever. So you have to decide based on what you do know do you stay or go? You have decided to stay. You have stayed for 10 years. You have rebuilt your relationship, your H has changed and has proven to you that he loves you and has done alot to help make the relationship better. At this point-this is all you need to make your decision...and you have already made the decision to stay.

So -despite what he did or didnt do you have decided to stay. Now decide do you want to have a happy life and a loving relationship or do you want to live with chaos and resentment and anger? You BOTH deserve to be happy. He is not happy being berated and accused over and over. You are not happy thinking about it over and over and questioning every detail. 

You are the one keeping your pain alive. You are the one keeping the past event in the present moment. Its not. Its not happening to you now. It hasnt happened to you for 10 years. He isnt doing anything now, he hasnt done anything for 10 years. 

You have to just stop. Did you read any of the stuff by Dr. Heather Stone on "searching for bad news" yet? It will help you see how your thoughts and actions are all part of the OCD. Read the recommendations and start practising some of the ways to see your thoughts....

Please...I can hear and feel your pain. It can get better.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Some folks call it pain shopping. May be your OCD.

After 10 years, stop already or do whatever you can to make it stop.

It sends you down a rabbit hole you can't get out of and in the end only serves to destroy your husband's love for you. It doesn't serve you.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

NJ2 said:


> That conversation could easily have been one that my H and I had....manymanymany times. Same **** different words on and on and on...
> 
> This is what my IC kept saying to me but I couldnt understand it- IT DOESNT MATTER!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT DOESNT MATTER IF HE DID OR DIDNT DO THIS OR THAT.....NO ONE EVER KNOWS THE WHOLE TRUTH WITH THESE THINGS, YOU WILL NEVER KNOW FOR CERTAIN WHAT HE DID OR DIDNT, HOW HE FELT OR DIDNT FEEL.....IT DOESNT MATTER!!!!!!!
> 
> ...



Yup I sound just like you. That it did matter and that it makes me stay or go. It’s that difference. But I get what she is saying to you and I get what you are saying to me. I just don’t like being lied to. How do I move past and believe him? How did you? Cause I don’t want to live in chaos I want to be happy and love and put all this bull**** behind me. I hate that this is in my thoughts everyday. This is when I can’t handle and want to just jump off a ledge to end my thoughts. I know that won’t happen. 

And does it really make a difference if he rubbed her ass in our out of her pants? He rubbbed her ass regardless. That’s what it is. 

I am starting to read the stuff you recommended, and I am hoping That some of the things she says to do for mindfulness works. Cause I literally feel like I am losing it. I don’t know if it’s the meds getting settled or what, but omg these thoughts! 

What do you do with the thoughts of the I hate you then I love you. Is that normal after this long?


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Tron said:


> Some folks call it pain shopping. May be your OCD.
> 
> After 10 years, stop already or do whatever you can to make it stop.
> 
> It sends you down a rabbit hole you can't get out of and in the end only serves to destroy your husband's love for you. It doesn't serve you.


I know that damn rabbit hole is a *****! And I do feel his love going it’s making me so sad... I don’t know why I am pushing him away...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

dontworrybehappy said:


> i know you all are right and i need to let it all go. But how? I need help. I cant lose my marriage.


Then GET HELP.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

dontworrybehappy said:


> You honestly think he is not hiding anything and telling the truth.
> 
> Right now its work home. And no hobby.. I need one I just don't ever feel up to leaving the house.


Even if he DID do something else back then, by this point, who the F cares?! I mean, seriously, dontworrybehappy, good grief. He stopped it, he wanted you, he forgave you for what YOU did, and he just wants a happy marriage with you. 

Normally, I'm all for getting the truth. But you are taking this to a whole new level of messed up. It was TEN years ago. He has spent TEN years being a decent husband to you. The fact that you can't let this go is 100% on YOU, not him. And you're going to lose him if you don't find a therapist and start getting weekly mental help.

And the fact that you are holed up in a house with no outside interaction, no friends to talk to, no life of your own - THIS is why you're so codependent and obsessing on him: he has become your whole world. You need MORE STUFF in your life so that you stop revolving around him.

Call up one woman. Today. Go have lunch. Today.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

turnera said:


> Even if he DID do something else back then, by this point, who the F cares?! I mean, seriously, dontworrybehappy, good grief. He stopped it, he wanted you, he forgave you for what YOU did, and he just wants a happy marriage with you.
> 
> Normally, I'm all for getting the truth. But you are taking this to a whole new level of messed up. It was TEN years ago. He has spent TEN years being a decent husband to you. The fact that you can't let this go is 100% on YOU, not him. And you're going to lose him if you don't find a therapist and start getting weekly mental help.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You need to let it go because there's no way you will ever know if he's telling the truth 100%. You just won't. And you'll drive yourself -- and him -- crazy. You're already well down that road. 

When you R with a cheater -- and I did for a very long time -- you have to accept that you can never be sure exactly what the details were. If you can't accept that then let him go.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Normally, I'm all for getting the truth. But you are taking this to a whole new level of messed up. It was TEN years ago. He has spent TEN years being a decent husband to you. The fact that you can't let this go is 100% on YOU, not him. And you're going to lose him if you don't find a therapist and start getting weekly mental help.

And the fact that you are holed up in a house with no outside interaction, no friends to talk to, no life of your own - THIS is why you're so codependent and obsessing on him: he has become your whole world. You need MORE STUFF in your life so that you stop revolving around him.

Call up one woman. Today. Go have lunch. Today.[/QUOTE]

This is all me.. I do think he is telling the truth and I had my friend read the text. She said it sounds like he is saying he doesn’t know all I have done and chose to let it go cause he chose me. And he has been honest with me and told me everything and I treat him like ****. So why can’t I be like him and treat him the way he is treating me. And your right. I am sure things will never all be said of what was said and maybe that’s for the best. But I do need to stop being so nuts over this because I don’t want to lose my family. I will just try to manage my anxiety and when I want to ask him a question I will have to figure out a way to release it another way


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Openminded said:


> You need to let it go because there's no way you will ever know if he's telling the truth 100%. You just won't. And you'll drive yourself -- and him -- crazy. You're already well down that road.
> 
> When you R with a cheater -- and I did for a very long time -- you have to accept that you can never be sure exactly what the details were. If you can't accept that then let him go.


😔 this sucks but it’s true. How did you let it go?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

dontworrybehappy said:


> This is all me.. I do think he is telling the truth and I had my friend read the text. She said it sounds like he is saying he doesn’t know all I have done and chose to let it go cause he chose me. And he has been honest with me and told me everything and I treat him like ****. So why can’t I be like him and treat him the way he is treating me. And your right. I am sure things will never all be said of what was said and maybe that’s for the best. But I do need to stop being so nuts over this because I don’t want to lose my family. I will just try to manage my anxiety and when I want to ask him a question I will have to figure out a way to release it another way


 Or, you could do what I suggested: (1) start going to therapy and (2) start going out with girlfriends (or make friends if you don't have any).

What are you doing about THOSE?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

dontworrybehappy said:


> 😔 this sucks but it’s true. How did you let it go?


She divorced her husband.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

dontworrybehappy said:


> 😔 this sucks but it’s true. How did you let it go?


I divorced him many years later when the second round of cheating (that I found out about anyway) happened.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

turnera said:


> dontworrybehappy said:
> 
> 
> > This is all me.. I do think he is telling the truth and I had my friend read the text. She said it sounds like he is saying he doesn’t know all I have done and chose to let it go cause he chose me. And he has been honest with me and told me everything and I treat him like ****. So why can’t I be like him and treat him the way he is treating me. And your right. I am sure things will never all be said of what was said and maybe that’s for the best. But I do need to stop being so nuts over this because I don’t want to lose my family. I will just try to manage my anxiety and when I want to ask him a question I will have to figure out a way to release it another way
> ...


I made an appointment for Saturday with a psychologist. He is $200 for an hour and a half. I need to be diagnosed I think start from there


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Excellent good first step. Do you not have insurance coverage for mental health? I found one that's covered and it only costs about $15/visit.

What friend have you selected to call up and go to lunch with?


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

turnera said:


> Excellent good first step. Do you not have insurance coverage for mental health? I found one that's covered and it only costs about $15/visit.
> 
> What friend have you selected to call up and go to lunch with?


This is a psychologists he doesn’t work with insurance I guess. But I want him to diagnose me. I am so sick of being so crazy. 

I haven’t made plans yet. I need to I just hate committing to things. 

I talked a little to my husband tonight. I see why I get this way. He words things so bad. Like telling me that because it’s been so long and we have been together this long does it matter? I said yes.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

dontworrybehappy said:


> I made an appointment for Saturday with a psychologist. He is $200 for an hour and a half. I need to be diagnosed I think start from there


Generalized Anxiety Disorder! Then comes the treatment plan, it's helpful if you have goals you'd like to work on picked out prior to the session. Resolving the core conflict that is the root of the anxiety should come next, might throw a little CBT in there. What it may come down to is if you will ever be able to trust your husband again or not, can you? What would it require from your husband for you to trust him again? Is it possible?


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

dontworrybehappy said:


> I talked a little to my husband tonight. I see why I get this way. *He words things so bad. Like telling me that because it’s been so long and we have been together this long does it matter?* I said yes.


He does word things badly, but consider from his perspective if he's been having the same conversation for ten years and made an honest effort to fix this. He's bored with this conversation and beginning to wonder if his effort was worth it.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Generalized Anxiety Disorder! Then comes the treatment plan, it's helpful if you have goals you'd like to work on picked out prior to the session. Resolving the core conflict that is the root of the anxiety should come next, might throw a little CBT in there. What it may come down to is if you will ever be able to trust your husband again or not, can you? What would it require from your husband for you to trust him again? Is it possible?[/QUOTE]

Gawd I feel like it’s more the just general anxiety I feel like I am one step in the door of a loony bin! I trust my husband now. I just can’t get thoughts of him if he touched her like that out of my mind and when o think of if it happened it takes me right back to that place I was when I first found out. I get that burning anxiety all in my chest. I am so frustrated cause I don’t think my meds are working. I just want to feel ok. I just wish he was a better man. And non of this happened. I feel like our marriage is broken because of this. And it’s so hard cause I love him I don’t want to lose my family but then the other side of me is broken. And if he did that is that a deal breaker? I don’t know cause all this time he told me that he did it to figure out our marriage if you did that why would you put your hands down her pants.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Violet28 said:


> dontworrybehappy said:
> 
> 
> > I talked a little to my husband tonight. I see why I get this way. *He words things so bad. Like telling me that because it’s been so long and we have been together this long does it matter?* I said yes.
> ...



Ya that’s what he said last night he was like it’s so annoying it’s a part of our lives because you keep it alive. And I am so sick of it all. That’s why he is to the point where he said omg it’s been a decade what if **** happened what if there was groping cloths removed and so on would you really divorce me now? This is stupid... I said ya if you put your hands down her pants yes I would. There is a difference of under and over the pants


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

I sent him the below this morning and his response makes me believe that he is lying and maybe he did do it.. I am beyond pisses right now. 

I am wrong it is wrong of me to question you when you have been honest. It’s wrong of me to take something and always try to make it worse. I am wrong to romanticize everything that has happened. I know you didn’t go down her pants. I know you are telling the truth. And I think I just want you to validate my feelings. And I want you to know that I am getting this help for us for me but also for you. I need an outlet and I don’t know one yet so when I get into these modeI told you that I wasn’t ever talking about this anymore. But all I want is for you to be happys I have to release it to feel better and right now my coping is talking to you and you make me feel better. But I can’t do that to you. It makes me ok but not you ok. 


This is the response I get


I told you that I wasn’t ever talking about this anymore. But all I want is for you to be happy


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm often surprised that so many women simply don't understand the depth to which men are guided by their sexual impulses. It is LITERALLY a physical drive for them. It's actually why I sometimes give a pass to men who have women come on to them - if it only happens once. The same way women are driven by feelings and emotions, men are often driven by a sexual urge. There's a reason they say most men think of sex 7 to 10 times a day, while most women only think of it 7 to 10 times a week. It is such a CORE part of who they are that we need to think of them in terms of it. So while I think your H is telling the truth, I also think that you need to accept the fact that when he sees a sexy woman, yeah, he's going to equate her with sex. It's how men's brains work. 

What I'm trying to say is, stop thinking that your husband thinks the same way you do. If you see him ogling a beautiful woman, try to give him a break, ok? Unless he's out there screwing anyone who'll have him, he has chosen YOU. And that's really all that matters.

How's the friend phone call going?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

dontworrybehappy said:


> I sent him the below this morning and his response makes me believe that he is lying and maybe he did do it..
> 
> I told you that I wasn’t ever talking about this anymore. But all I want is for you to be happy


dwbh, good grief. He is FED UP. Because he tells you that he's done talking about it after TEN years, you immediately jump to he's lying? Come on. 

We tell people here that it will take 3 or 4 years, usually, for a BS to work out the issue in their head and put it behind them. Three or four years. I'm surprised he's still with you, to be honest. I would have left, even if I DID love you.

And you say you 'have to' release it. Well, why aren't you releasing it onto a girlfrlend? Your mother? A sibling? 

What friend are you going to call up or text today?


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

turnera said:


> I'm often surprised that so many women simply don't understand the depth to which men are guided by their sexual impulses. It is LITERALLY a physical drive for them. It's actually why I sometimes give a pass to men who have women come on to them - if it only happens once. The same way women are driven by feelings and emotions, men are often driven by a sexual urge. There's a reason they say most men think of sex 7 to 10 times a day, while most women only think of it 7 to 10 times a week. It is such a CORE part of who they are that we need to think of them in terms of it. So while I think your H is telling the truth, I also think that you need to accept the fact that when he sees a sexy woman, yeah, he's going to equate her with sex. It's how men's brains work.
> 
> What I'm trying to say is, stop thinking that your husband thinks the same way you do. If you see him ogling a beautiful woman, try to give him a break, ok? Unless he's out there screwing anyone who'll have him, he has chosen YOU. And that's really all that matters.
> 
> How's the friend phone call going?


For him it was twice she kissed him the first time. I think then he was like ah someone paid attention to me.. 

Then he initiated the second. I think right now my brain is saying ok so over the pants ass rub it was just like instinct that’s what happenes when you kiss. But does under the pants not mean that? So it puts me in overdrive. I know you wanna punch me! My thought process is NUTS trust me I also see this. But I guess I just need re assurance that it’s no difference above or below. And it also doesn’t help with booze in the mix. Also I think her or her husband would have said something is it went further for sure it would have come out. 


I am doing lunch with a friend on sunday!


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

DontWorry,

Maybe trying to flip the script here for a second could help you get some perspective on why exactly your H is so angry and (IMO) on the verge of giving up on you.

Your first ‘indiscretion’ if I recall right was longer than 10 years ago....before his stupid kissing incident.

You told him you played strip poker with a group of friends while he wasn’t there, but you never went further than stripping down to your underwear and then running/playing around a bit.....

What if he was STILL constantly asking you 10+ years later if you were SURE that you never took off any more clothing while you were streaking around?

And constantly challenging you that your story simply made no sense since everyone else went further.....why wouldn’t you?

And he just CONSTANTLY kept harping on this issue for the past decade.

Wouldn’t you be at the end of your mental rope right now?

Ready to tell him you are not talking about it anymore and if he brings it up one more time, you are done?

I hope looking at this from a different perspective can reach you DontWorry.....

Because I fear you on on the verge of destroying your M here.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Stop talking to him about it. There's nothing to be gained and a great deal to lose. You're on your way to something you won't like if you keep this up.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

dontworrybehappy said:


> For him it was twice she kissed him the first time.
> Then he initiated the second.


Let's put this in perspective, ok? The first time, she came on to him and he, being a man, immediately got hard and went into MAN MODE and responded to her. Like I said, even I, who told my H if he ever cheated he'd never see me again, would have given my husband one pass. Because men are men, and they are human.

So the FIRST DEAL was HER getting HIM hot and bothered and he responded like MANY men would do, if they didn't stop to think about it. 

And then nothing happened for 5 years. Right? So 5 years later, he's at a NYE party and the bell tolls and everyone goes around kissing everyone. Right?

And you are using THESE two things to ream your husband a new one? Seriously?


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

I will say it again- it doesn't matter-it doesn't matter if he did or didn't do or feel this or that- it doesn't matter- it just doesn't

What matters is that you are mentally unhealthy and you are fueling your sickness

You need to focus on the fact you are making yourself crazy and stressed and unhappy- ask yourself -where will I be 5 years from now if I continue down this path?

You will be divorced- you will be sick and alone- you will have wasted 5 more years of your life....

You could instead spend the next 5 years working on yourself and your relationship- becoming a better more fulfilled person- a healthy person with friends and hobbies and a fit body and mind- you could spend that time making your relationship a place of happiness and refuge for both of you

You can -but you have to stop doing whatever you can stop

I understand about the release part- I felt it too-a thought would get into head and I'd get ramped up and it would build up inside until I blew- then it would calm down for awhile

I still get that from time to time but it's much less often, I don't explode like I used to- I leave and spend time away from h to try and avoid constantly harassing and pressing my point- I find it goes away quicker
I also apologize 

It's not perfect but soooooo much better

How do you deal with the fact he may be lying? You accept it. You will never know for sure. Just like he will never know every detail of your indiscretion- accept that whatever lies he has told through omission are due to not being able to face more harassment and accusations from you- 

It doesn't matter- you have decided to stay-you have stayed- now work on enjoying the rest of your relationship

And part of the OCD is trying to convince people on here that he is guilty and also not guilty- I found I needed to take a break from tam at times because it is a way of keeping the hurt and feeding it- let it go


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

dontworrybehappy said:


> There is a difference of under and over the pants


I don't see a difference between over and under the pants, it was an @$$ grab, plain and simple. FOUR YEARS AGO or TEN YEARS AGO! I think you two need a timeout, can you go stay with your parents or someone for a week or so? And not contact him for a whole week?


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

dontworrybehappy said:


> I sent him the below this morning and his response makes me believe that he is lying and maybe he did do it.. I am beyond pisses right now.
> 
> I am wrong it is wrong of me to question you when you have been honest. It’s wrong of me to take something and always try to make it worse. I am wrong to romanticize everything that has happened. I know you didn’t go down her pants. I know you are telling the truth. And I think I just want you to validate my feelings. And I want you to know that I am getting this help for us for me but also for you. I need an outlet and I don’t know one yet so when I get into these modeI told you that I wasn’t ever talking about this anymore. But all I want is for you to be happys I have to release it to feel better and right now my coping is talking to you and you make me feel better. But I can’t do that to you. It makes me ok but not you ok.
> 
> ...


You want him to validate your feelings while you are blatantly invalidating his? He told you he was done discussing this and you needing a new 'coping skill' is not an excuse to continually disrespect him. If you need an outlet, join a gym, do some yoga, get a dog. He's a man, men want to be respected by their wives, do you think this behavior is showing him respect? I know it's hard to quit obsessing over something, but seriously, you need to nut up and give the man some peace.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Openminded said:


> Stop talking to him about it. There's nothing to be gained and a great deal to lose. You're on your way to something you won't like if you keep this up.


I am going to. It’s hard cause yesterday’s conversation I want to keep hounding him for closure but I won’t. I have my appointment today with the psychologist so.. we shall see how that goes. I am hoping to see what I can do for the obsession and get back to a normal thought process.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Let's put this in perspective, ok? The first time, she came on to him and he, being a man, immediately got hard and went into MAN MODE and responded to her. Like I said, even I, who told my H if he ever cheated he'd never see me again, would have given my husband one pass. Because men are men, and they are human.

So the FIRST DEAL was HER getting HIM hot and bothered and he responded like MANY men would do, if they didn't stop to think about it. 

And then nothing happened for 5 years. Right? So 5 years later, he's at a NYE party and the bell tolls and everyone goes around kissing everyone. Right?

And you are using THESE two things to ream your husband a new one? Seriously?[/QUOTE]


Lol no the first time was her and the second time him. The third peck possibly not 💯 on it but that was the 4 year ago thing. The thing I think that I am obsessing about isn’t so much the kiss. But the touching cause to me that was I want sex. Where as if he didn’t it means he didn’t want sex and was telling me the truth. Cause he told me all these years that it wasn’t about him wanting sex. This is why my mind is crazy


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

NJ2 said:


> I will say it again- it doesn't matter-it doesn't matter if he did or didn't do or feel this or that- it doesn't matter- it just doesn't
> 
> What matters is that you are mentally unhealthy and you are fueling your sickness
> 
> ...



I know. I think I need to find a new release. I was thinking of buying a punching bag and start there. Also I do need to get out more. It’s going to be hard with winter coming but I think that’s the issue is I do base my entire life on him. Millions of people move on after **** like this and I am here being pathetic and acting like I am the only person to deal with this. It’s pathetic. You should read our text yesterday it makes me sick looking how I am at times. I sound insane... I almost text the old friend and straight out asked her like a psycho. 

But he tells me he didn’t want sex so if you didn’t want sex why touch her? And I will have to let it go.. I have to remember we wer mid 20’s and stupid as hell then.. we didn’t know what marriage was!


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Violet28 said:


> dontworrybehappy said:
> 
> 
> > There is a difference of under and over the pants
> ...


You don’t? I have people telling me oh over pants no sex under means for sure sex. It puts me in a panic! And I do need a break but I can’t ever get one.. I tried to go out of town to my parents but got so much **** cause I need to be here with the kids and so on. I just need a mental weekend ya know.. he doesn’t get it!


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

You want him to validate your feelings while you are blatantly invalidating his? He told you he was done discussing this and you needing a new 'coping skill' is not an excuse to continually disrespect him. If you need an outlet, join a gym, do some yoga, get a dog. He's a man, men want to be respected by their wives, do you think this behavior is showing him respect? I know it's hard to quit obsessing over something, but seriously, you need to nut up and give the man some peace.[/QUOTE]

He said I was disrespecting him too. But I just don’t see how I am. I am honestly confused how this is disrespectful. I am just asking valid questions, it has nothing to do with what I think of him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

dontworrybehappy said:


> Lol no the first time was her and the second time him. The third peck possibly not 💯 on it but that was the 4 year ago thing. The thing I think that I am obsessing about isn’t so much the kiss. But the touching cause to me that was I want sex. Where as if he didn’t it means he didn’t want sex and was telling me the truth. Cause he told me all these years that it wasn’t about him wanting sex. This is why my mind is crazy


Guys can get turned on and NOT decide to have sex with some random person, dwbh. As your H has shown for the past 10 years.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

dontworrybehappy said:


> He said I was disrespecting him too. But I just don’t see how I am. I am honestly confused how this is disrespectful. I am just asking valid questions, it has nothing to do with what I think of him.


What if he asked you if you stole money from his wallet and you said no. And you know you didn't. But he keeps asking you and just KNOWS that you did, even though you keep denying it. 

So he asks you ONE MORE TIME and you deny it and he says 'but are you SURE you didn't take the money?' 

Is that not disrespecting YOU? Is that not calling you a liar? Is that not being unwilling to give you a break about something you know you didn't do, and you don't deserve to be berated constantly for something you didn't do? Is that not disrespecting you?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He probably just went with it in the moment. Maybe he was thinking he had a shot at her and maybe he wasn't. If he was drinking, he probably has no idea now what his thought process was. 

You unfortunately can never know for sure what's in someone's head and you obviously can't make them tell you. I hope the psychologist can help you move on.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

I'm looking forward to hearing what the counselor has to say-I hope she is a beginning in the right direction

My ic shared at our last session that her h has a "group" that are all involved in a hobby that she has no interest I - every year they go away as a mixed group

She went only one time and said at the end of the night some went off... and she wondered- she said she decided she didn't want to know -never went back and never questioned him 

My other friend said her h went away with a buddy- she heard they went to a brothel- her h said his friend went with a prostitute but he didn't. Although he came home with the one and only jewelry gift for her- a giant pair of diamond earrings....

So did they or didn't they? They realized they would never know for sure- So they let it go

I know the torture you are going through but I also know there is a wierd rush from the obsession- like at any minute if you just question him often enough or figure out the exactly how to tell if he's lying...then AHA!!!! I've got you now you bastard!

It's like you are dying to prove he did so you can be right and dying to prove he didn't so you can move on and be happy


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

dontworrybehappy said:


> He said I was disrespecting him too. But I just don’t see how I am. I am honestly confused how this is disrespectful. I am just asking valid questions, it has nothing to do with what I think of him.


You are disrespecting him by not listening to him. He told you he was done discussing this and you continue to try to talk about it in roundabout ways. Why don't you work on finding ways you can be a better partner? You are shifting all the focus onto him, there are two people in this marriage.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

I agree with both of you and I think what you are saying is logical. The guy I went to see seems good and different he doesn’t focus so much on the talk therapy more the CBT and the hypnotherapy type thing.. like a deep meditation where you go back to the incident and then he talks me through it. He said it takes the emotion out of it. So I will still have the memory but not the emotions tied to it. 

What do you guys think? Is that worth it? Has anyone tried this?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

CBT is exactly what you need. This is a situational issue, not a family of origin issue, so the solution is to take apart the situation and your emotions tied to it.

Beyond that, you still need to get a life. What friend have you invited out?


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

CBT consists of your thoughts influencing your emotions and your emotions influencing your behavior. Thus, if you can control your thoughts you will increase your control over your emotions and behavior. It will help with developing more awareness of things that trigger your automatic thoughts, once you are more aware you can work to control them, instead of being at the mercy of them. If this doesn't work, you should try DBT.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

turnera said:


> CBT is exactly what you need. This is a situational issue, not a family of origin issue, so the solution is to take apart the situation and your emotions tied to it.
> 
> Beyond that, you still need to get a life. What friend have you invited out?


How did you make it through the thoughts of him and her?


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Violet28 said:


> CBT consists of your thoughts influencing your emotions and your emotions influencing your behavior. Thus, if you can control your thoughts you will increase your control over your emotions and behavior. It will help with developing more awareness of things that trigger your automatic thoughts, once you are more aware you can work to control them, instead of being at the mercy of them. If this doesn't work, you should try DBT.



I feel like this would be amazing. I need you think like a normal person I hate who I am..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

dontworrybehappy said:


> How did you make it through the thoughts of him and her?


Actually, when it happened to me, I was so mad that I didn't have any thoughts than what a piece of sh*t they both were. And I broke up with him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you doing any reading about codependency?


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

turnera said:


> Are you doing any reading about codependency?


No I should I wonder if that’s my problem. The guy I went to on Saturday thinks it’s more my past trauma and this brought it all to light. I do need to make friends and let my guard down with women. I need to not love all my life for this man.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

Cbt is the only real way of dealing with the issue. The thoughts will become more acknowledged and put aside before they can tornado into crazy

I don't think the issue is codependency I think that develops because of the OCD. I went to a codependency group and didn't feel it was a good fit. Now that the OCD is much less it doesn't feel like he's my only raft in a storm. Because I'm not obsessing so much about him he takes on a more proportional importance. Like -if we divorced I wouldn't die- I'd be able to build a life for myself- I didn't see that possibility during crazy town.

I still have thoughts- he was gone on errands all morning- and that could mean he was going to see ow...but I will never know ....and it's highly unlikely given how much he's invested back into the marriage.....
And then I distract myself with looking at whatever I'm into at the moment...( happens to be donkeys)....or I call a friend and meet for coffee....or even get up and do dishes


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

dontworrybehappy said:


> I got the rubber band on! We shall see how red my wrists get lol. I need to start taking action though. Cause this is not LIVING.


Egads! I hate the rubber band, never recommend it. You could put a quarter in a jar every time you think of it too. Sensory items are good too, you could put something in your purse that you can take out and smell when you feel anxious, a fidget or something that feels good against your skin, music or water sounds can be good auditory relaxation tools, a peaceful picture can be visually relaxing, or tic tac, mint or something you could put in your mouth. Rubber bands could be a step down tool for someone who cuts but that's not you, no need to transfer your emotional anxiety into physical one.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

dontworrybehappy said:


> No I should I wonder if that’s my problem. The guy I went to on Saturday thinks it’s more my past trauma and this brought it all to light. I do need to make friends and let my guard down with women. I need to not love all my life for this man.


Well, then, your local library is probably open in an hour or two. Nothing is stopping you. Go get a book. Today.

And text an old girlfriend and ask her how she's doing. 

Today.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

turnera said:


> dontworrybehappy said:
> 
> 
> > No I should I wonder if that’s my problem. The guy I went to on Saturday thinks it’s more my past trauma and this brought it all to light. I do need to make friends and let my guard down with women. I need to not love all my life for this man.
> ...


I am going To put some self esteem ones on my audible and listen why I work. I think that’s my main issue also. I just need to live for me and not around him and what he did.. I shouldn’t feel bad he should feel bad and if he is still lying he should feel bad not me. I can’t live this way anymore..


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Violet28 said:


> dontworrybehappy said:
> 
> 
> > I got the rubber band on! We shall see how red my wrists get lol. I need to start taking action though. Cause this is not LIVING.
> ...


I don’t like the rubber band either I feel it didn’t work.. I am listening to brain wave stuff and doing deep breathing, that calms me pretty good. I think I got stuck in flight or fight mode it’s been hell. I really wish we could erase memories that would be amazing! I would run to that dr to do that ****!


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