# so painful......



## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

it's 5 weeks now since my husband and I separated. I haven't seen him in over a month. I'm sure he is living it up now and loving not having to bother about me anymore....I called him over a small practical detail I needed to sort and it was obvious he couldn't be bothered to given me even 2 minutes of his time..... I feel so resentful and hurt.......

how do you get over the pain of rejection and so easily becoming a complete nobody in the life of somebody who was everything to you? He just doesn't care and I know I can't make him care......It's just so hard and doesn't seem to get better, everyone keeps saying 'time heals' , but I just can't feel it


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

Merigold, its only been 5 weeks its still real fresh, it will get better though, I understand it is hard to believe how some people can turn their feelings on and off. Do you have family or friends you can talk to? I found talking about it helped. I also have a 6 yr old that was my savior. do you have chIldren? I believe if it wasnt for my son I would probably be in your situation now, and its been almost a yr for me. you should try to get out of the house and keep busy even if its only going to visit friends or family.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Marigold, who decided it was time to separate? The reason I'm asking is because in my current situation, I've had a fairly long time to come to grips with the fact that our marriage isn't likely to continue, and it's going to be my decision to end it. My counselor's words were "It appears that you've already grieved for your marriage" during my first session with him. If that's the case for your husband, it may be that he's further along in the healing/recovery process than you. As bellringer said, 5 weeks for you isn't very much time at all.

Just a thought.

C


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

thank you bellringer and Pbear.....what you say is very insightful...it was my husband's decision to separate and as you say, he had been mulling it over for a long time and 'checked out' of the marriage so to speak way back now, which he admitted to, whilst I was still really making huge efforts to keep it together at all costs, so you may well be right there, he might be much further along the path than I am, he gave up on us a long time back so maybe he did his grieving back then....that is a new way of thinking of it, I have a feeling there you could be right, it makes sense....

I'm talking mainly to friends, my family are great and they do love me, but I find it much harder to open up to them about all the ins and outs. I am trying to get out and about and do stuff, but sometimes it's such a huge effort, i feel so worn out just trying to keep going, it takes a lot of energy. We didn't have children. We were married 5 years - I wanted to start trying for the past 2 years but he kept saying 'next year', now I know he was having doubts about the marriage all along and lining up someone else  I hope I can have children one day.....I really really want that with a lovely big family....I'm 30, people keep telling me there's still time but I can't help being scared that it will be too late....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Marigold, I'm sorry to hear all that, but it rings true for me... I don't know what it will really be like to separate, but I know that for my first counseling session, I was expecting it to be a very emotional, draining, tiring process. I ended up coming out of the session feeling like I was finally taking steps to "fix" myself. Feeling more up-beat than I had in months. I know it's unfair to the spouse that's "left behind", especially when it comes as somewhat of a surprise that the other spouse is that unhappy with the relationship. But this is how I'm feeling.

Is there any local support groups that you can join?  Do you have any friends/family that might have gone through something like this as well? 

C


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## Isabellam (Aug 23, 2010)

Marigold, I am in the same position you are in terms of children. I am 31 and my husband decided that he may not want children after we discussed it at length. Now we are separated (my idea) for the next few months. It's been 2 weeks and I am looking at my first Thanksgiving alone in years. It is weird. Some days are better than others, things will get better for you. 
It's been two weeks and my husband has not once said that he wants to come back home. He has been home sick, but not enough to say he wants to really change our issues and come back. Despite all his crying, he was really cold about the slip, leaving me w/ most of the bills because I am staying in the house and make the most money of the two. 
I am angry and annoyed, and lonely. This week is going to be harder than I thought, but oh well. We'll make it through.


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## missb (Nov 21, 2010)

I'm in a similar situation. I know you feel like you've been thrown out with yesterdays trash, but you will get through this! I have said this to a few other people- vigorous exercise has helped me deal with the anger, sadness, and pain of my husband giving up on his family. No matter how terrible I feel, I always feel better after going for a walk, run, yoga class, etc. It's not going to be a cure but it will help you focus on something other than your problems. I've been obsessing over my separation for the past month, and my husband has been pretty much nonresponsive. I always feel on top of the world after a workout, not easy to say when you have just been abandoned and rejected my the man you love. (Bonus, after you force yourself to start you will have more energy too). I've given up on trying to reconcile, and turned my focus inwards. We can't change them, but we can change how we react to the situation, and make it positive for ourselves.


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## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

Believe me, he is not living it up. How does it feel to hurt someone at such a deep level? Like crap. He may be blocking it out (unhealthy) but he is not having a great time right now.

It hurts to have someone we loved and tried so hard to make it work out. Someday you will say, I tried, I really tried everything. That is something to feel good about, you are a loving kind person. 30 is young, I had my second baby at 36, don't stress on that. You have lots of time to find someone of value, someone that will appreciate you and treat you right. He might wake up sometime down the road and realize what he lost. Imagine that, him showing up, telling you he really blew it but you've moved on and eight months pregnant with a good man that loves you to pieces. Could happen.  It is totally within the realm of possibility.

Take care of you, get enough sleep, eat well, treat yourself as kindly as possible. Have faith, don't give up hope in what God has in store for you. He planned you, He loves you and He will be there to help you through these rough times.


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

Trust everone here that says it will get better in time, my stbx asked for a divorce last january, filed like april i think, and it isnt close to over, money issues, he dont want me to have any. he keeps dragging his feet, guess hiding it. but whatever I will be fine. I just want it over now. its pathetic. I never fought him when he asked for it, I figured he didnt want to be here so go, I dont want someone that dont want me, cant stress over things you cant change, I was sad for a couple weeks, then I looked at my son and he needed me to be there for him, not an emotional wreck, and i figured if i did beg and he kept rejecting me it would just depress me more and my son would suffer, so screw him, we went on, we did everything we used to do, my son and I that is. we even took a trip to florida 3 months after he left, stbx was shocked cause i called him said were going to florida and your paying, i was stay at home mom so i had no income.



we had a blast. and all summer we were out doing something, In fact stbx used to get pissed we were out so much. screw him. he would call a hundred times a day to see what we were doing. I think he expected me to get all depressed and curl up and die. suprise. See I lost both my parents when i was in my 20s and boy if that didnt give me the strength to move on, who knows when i will die, I want to spend as much time with my son as possible, I cant afford to waste a minute on an a hole who dont care about me. I think alot of his problem is his mother wasnt a great role model, very selfcentered and he took right after her. I have to say november was my birthday and he did buy me tickets to the rockettes show, I took my son, my friend got us a limo and we had a fantastic night, it was by far the best birthday i ever had.




I think stbx is feeling it a little now,mabey the holidays are getting to him, he moved out of his dads house and into his own and friday he came to pick son up and stood there and asked when i was having thanksgiving dinner, I told him noon, he looked at me like all pitiful and said I will pick andrew up for 3 to take him to my brothers for dessert, I said fine then he says, I have to have dinner at scotts, i said yeah I know. like what are u looking for an invite, hell no. get used to it sweetheart. so I also gave him one of my christmas trees to put up at his place for my son, so the next day he calls me and tells me him and my son are riding around looking for a new tree cause he didnt like the one i gave him, mind you it was brand new. he went on and on telling me every store he was gonna go to. hes wacked, cause i could care less, i actually had to let him go. 



then sunday he calls like 10am, asks son if he ate breakfast, son tells him yes, so he says put mommy on the phone, I get on and he says he was gonna bring the tree back i said fine, were leaving for a party and he can just drop it off anytime, he says i want to bring andrew munchkins I said he already ate, he said well I want to bring him some, we were leaving at 11:30 for the party, he comes over blocks my car in the garage, comes in starts cleaning the kitty litterbox, i said u need to move ur car, I went out and started mine, came back in, he went outside and came back in, so i got andrew and said lets go, we go out to leave and my car is shut off, andrew says you started your car what happened, well stbx shut it off, i went in and said move your car i am gonna be late he says wait a minute im not done, he was actually washing the litter box, wtf. see he is wacked. i think he is feeling a little something but its a little to late for that ****, I mean its been a yr. to late for tears. 


I might sound cold for not chasing him but i am 44 yrs old, I did that chasing and begging when i was dating my other bfs,when I was in my 20s, im to old for that stuff now, dont need the drama. those days are gone. i have a wonderful suportive family, I have 3 sisters and 3 brothers and we are very close we all talk everyday and about everything. so that helped me to. I wish you all luck , strenght and happiness, we all deserve it.


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## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

Marigold.... I'm sure you know my story but sooooo similar to yours... its been 7 weeks... H asked for a divorce, not even to separate...feelings have been on OFF since that night... he goes out and would come home at 2am every night.... gets drunk... took me off of his status on facebook (so he ins't even married even though we haven't filed yet) and has made handfuls of women friends on facebook from going out all the time. I feel more hurt and disrespected that he can go and do that and not give one damn about it....

Everyone is right.... it does get better...but we are not at that stage fully to recognize it.... we are in the grieving stage and hurting still....it sucks, its like a limbo stage. It will get better for us....baby steps.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Wanted to thank everyone for all the encouraging and lovely comments, i'm really grateful for the support on here....also thank you for encouraging comments about 30 not being to young to have a family in the future.....that is one of my major fears if I think ahead too far.....

its just all the constant heartache that wears you down, the constant hole inside and feeling empty......he confirmed today that he is moving out of the house this weekend to his new flat, he told me the area where he is going but not the address - i didn't ask.....i don't think it would be fair, i know he wants time alone to think so didn't think i should push that, anyway, it's not like i'd be welcome to pop round. 

He re-iterated lots of points about me that has led him to wanting to separate/divorce and it really upset me....mainly it is about how i tried to control him too much, he felt suffocated, I didn't value him and put my own needs over his own acting selfishly. He said he offered his life to me when we got married but I ruined it with my controlling behaviour......that was so heartbreaking to hear.....I truly never intentionally wanted to hurt him or the marriage....I honestly just wanted to do the right thing for both of us....it must be i wasn't listening to him enough......

we had difficult times when he was unemployed and I thought supported him through those, I helped him out with practical stuff and tried to encourage him... but maybe it wasn't enough, he distanced himself and had an affair which hurt like nothing, I forgave him, but I don't know if he regreted it.....he admits after that he gave up on the marriage, I spent the last 2 years trying to make things right and not getting any warmth back......he told me later that he made a decision that he 'wasn't going to bother' that was very tough cos deep in my heart I knew he didn't love me anymore and was not 'in' the marriage, but I tried and tried cos I love him and I thought if I was just a better wife and looked at the points he made he would love me back.

I'm so sad that he feels that I ruined the marriage early on.....I feel so bad that this is how he feels cos I couldnt see that that is what I was doing....I didn't mean to hurt him, how could it have happened without me meaning it?...I think I have to learn a lot from this, otherwise the same could happen to me in the future and I would never ever want to go through this pain again

For now I am going to keep trying to follow the suggestions about doing things that work on improving me instead and small things that make me happy for a while,seeing friends etc. Then I will face the hurdle of his stuff disappearing from the house this weekend.....good luck to everyone else too who is struggling at the moment....


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

if he was that unhappy did he ever sit down to talk to you during your marriage?


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

yes, to be honest he did, we had several conversations where he told me he was unhappy and why (a lot was to do with feeling disempowered - he moved countries when we got married so we went back to my country - he had to start from scratch) 

I thought I was understanding and helping him to get where he wanted but he saw it as me suffocating him and taking control.....he wanted to move back to his own country with me but I dragged my feet - the reason for this was 2 things - first I was in the middle of professional training - which I now see was me putting me needs first, although I genuinely did believe that it was best in the longer term for both of us cos his career was not as stable as mine so finishing training was important - secondly from very early on I had trust issues with him....there had been times before marriage when I suspected he was unfaithful, although he didnt admit it, deep down I was very scared to move away with him......I know now that this meant that the marriage foundation was very shaky but I knew I loved him and I desperately wanted it to work....I suppose I hoped he would respect the wedding vows


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

At least he talked when he was unhappy. Mine never brought a conversation like that and gave me no real explanation that anything was wrong(if there was anything wrong). Up to this day I still don't know the real reasons why we are divorced, other than him having an affair that I brought out in the open.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

i'm sorry for that, notreadytoquit....also I understand the pain of an affair....the sense of hurt and betrayal is overwhelming, you get desperate just to be loved again....for your self confidence / self worth it is devastating, I am heading down the lonely path of divorce and I can only just about start admitting it to myself, the flame of hope just gets smaller and smaller...but sometimes its the only thing that keeps you going...sometimes you need to kid yourself just to get through.....


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

feeling so sad again today about my H moving out of the house this weekend - 

I haven't been back to the house now for over a month but i will have to move back in when he's gone....is there any advice out there for making moving back in more easy to bear? I thought about some re-decorating, or maybe moving into a different bedroom now, some people have said about moving, but that doesn't really seem an option....am DREADING living alone.....I've NEVER lived alone before....I lived with mates at college and married my husband straight after....wondering what it must feel like when you're alone at night....any advice really appreciated....


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Marigold said:


> feeling so sad again today about my H moving out of the house this weekend -
> 
> I haven't been back to the house now for over a month but i will have to move back in when he's gone....is there any advice out there for making moving back in more easy to bear? I thought about some re-decorating, or maybe moving into a different bedroom now, some people have said about moving, but that doesn't really seem an option....am DREADING living alone.....I've NEVER lived alone before....I lived with mates at college and married my husband straight after....wondering what it must feel like when you're alone at night....any advice really appreciated....


I hear you  ....I probably won't be able to sleep when my boys will be with their dad....

I plan on getting a puppy as a companion.....I know the puppy we have now makes me feel so much safer at night when husband is at work....

*********Hugs********


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## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

I have been alone now a week or so.... its tough being in a quiet home, but I have my two big lovable dogs that are by my side.... The house is tough at night, so I try and stay busy... I must say havign in the house when all this went down was tougher to sleep at night and would take Nyquil every night. Now that he is out of the house, I sleep 10 times better....

I dont have any great answers either as this is too new for me too... some nights its good, some nights it sucks.... but its what was handed to me...and you will have it too, got to keep our chins up!


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## geo (Oct 29, 2010)

what helped me was to move all the w's stuff out of the house , packed up the "us" stuff, and moved things around, furniture, art etc.. gave the house a good cleaning in the process ! doing pretty good so far but having my youngest at home as well as two dogs has probably made it a lot easier.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

thank you for the advice....H moved most of his stuff out of the house this weekend - he called to tell me he had done it - I'm staying with relatives so I'm not around the house at the moment - it just feels so totally surreal....I can't imagine him living somewhere else...this is just so horrible....why does he want to live in a horrible small apartment when we had a lovely house together - its such so crappy.....

he sent me a text saying he was finding it very hard moving out...I replied just saying some encouraging words like 'keep strong, i'm thinking of you' because I really care about him and I cant stand thinking of him being sad.....this afternoon I had a good cry and was feeling very low about it, I had a wobble and sent him a message just saying I was feeling sad and hoping there was a light at the end of the tunnel....I don't know what i expected from that, but he didn't even bother to reply.....this is just so rubbish - when he has sent me texts of a similar nature I have always responded hoping he is ok, when I do this he doesn't even reply to me........once again i'm the mug who can't stop hoping and caring for him.......once again having his disregard rubbed in my face.


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