# (trying to) survive infidelity....



## resiliencesholdwin (Jun 15, 2020)

Just like any other story, my story is long. But in order to get some help (and attention), I'll try to keep it as short as possible.

It's extremely painful for me to even say this. I have been hit multiple times, being emotionally tortured during daytime, but at night it becomes totally opposite. She (yes, my wife of a very long time) wants me physically like nothing is wrong between us.

I have strong reason to believe that she has been cheating on me for years. I accidentally came across her some information and found out that she has been making these "10 minute" rendezvous for quite sometime. They are not the "romantic" ones, but rather, quickies, if you catch my drift. It happened when I lived in town, but has increased dramatically as I have been traveling for work extensively.

I have to give her credit, where she is extremely smart, computer savvy and very good with hiding her tracks on her mobile devices. But as they say, you eventually get caught, may it be because there is a God after all, or simply Karma.
She has a very good idea that I know about her extracurricular activities, just doesn't know to what extent I know.

Now what, contact lawyer? Hire PI to catch her in the act?

Emotionally having extremely rough time, need to survive, if not for me, for our children.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sorry you are going through this. I would definitely contact a lawyer to find out what they think is the best move. In addition contact a spousal violence center.

Whether she is or is not stepping out on you, you shouldn't stay with an abusive partner.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

A violent serial cheater. Get out before your story is on Discovery ID channel.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Spicy said:


> A violent serial cheater. Get out before your story is on Discovery ID channel.


Yes. Leave and take your children.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Talk with a lawyer and ask them about the PI.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Definitely get a PI. She will try to tell you that YOU are paranoid, YOU are controlling, YOU are just wrong. GET the proof that YOU need for your own peace of mind. Make sure you DO get to a few lawyers to learn what to expect, what you need, and get some plans together. Very sorry you are going through this.


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Brother it depends on how much information You need to satisfy yourself that she is in fact cheating. First off seek legal advice for your location ASAP. You need to know your rights and responsibilities. Then get tested for STDs and STIs there was no safe sex. Cheaters lie as she thinks you are onto her stand by for serous gas lighting and possible love bombing. 
I like Mad Matt’s suggestion of leave with the children but again legal advice first
Cheaters are like cockroaches if you shine a light on them they run off. 
For now keep a VAR on you she may fabricate false domestic allegations against you. When ready tell all of her ways. 
One day at a time
Buffer


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@resiliencesholdwin How old are your kids and how many do you have? Do you have family anywhere near you? You need some emotional support. Please contact a therapist or counsellor to deal with this emotional and physical abuse, you need to get out. The next time she does this, call her out on it. Bully's are afraid when confronted. I hope she does not do this to the children? Meet with a lawyer and see what your options are. You and your children deserve so much more than this. Please plan your exit, you can do this.


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## cocolo2019 (Aug 21, 2019)

OP based on your comments it seems like, not that your accepting your situation, but more like you were expecting your findings. Even though you are grieving, which is pretty normal, you don't seem like a needy person or doormat; and that is good. 

Based on your situation this is what is called a cake-eater wayward, which is worse than an exit affair or worse than a cheater who developed feelings for her(his) affair partner. I say is worse because this affair is based in pure lust, kinky and porn sex; and probably, very probable, she is doing sexual things that she doesn't do with you. And I think you are aware of that. 
Now, the best way to try cheaters is to smack them and surprise them. So my recommendation is, because the deed (sex) is already done, try to put a poker face while you get information. Go to a lawyer and ask for PI recommendations. Do not have sex with her. Give an excuse like you think you got the coronavirus and have to get isolated. When you have the divorce papers squared away (and remember, divorce is a process, you can withdraw them later if you want to reconcile), serve the papers at her work and if the AP is a coworker, give an extra $20 to the courier so he say outloud "on the ground of infidelity". That will throw her away of the affair cloud and she will realize you are not "bullshiting". After that you can decide if you want to reconcile or not.
By the way, are you in at fault state?


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

This is not a court of law. She is physically abusive, she is love bombing you at night, you have proof of her quickies. Lawyer up, have her served, go for full custody. Stop having sex with her. Would you have sex with a hooker? They have diseases. She is going to give you a disease. Stop playing around with her.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

lawyer and PI time


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

resiliencesholdwin said:


> It's extremely painful for me to even say this. I have been hit multiple times, being emotionally tortured during daytime, but at night it becomes totally opposite. She (yes, my wife of a very long time) wants me physically like nothing is wrong between us.


So just because this POS is happy to have sex with you (and pretty much anyone _else_ from the sounds of it), that wipes away all the other garbage? You're THAT easily manipulated?

You need STD testing immediately.

As I understand it, you have the complete misfortune of having married a woman who physically and emotionally ABUSES you - yet it's still *not *enough of a reason for you to get the hell out. On top of her other atrocities, you say she's likely a serial cheater. Why on earth would you waste money on a PI when you ALREADY HAVE more than enough reason to leave? What's the POINT of that?

The *only *reason you'd need to hire a PI is if you live in a state where you can sue for an at-fault divorce - then you'd need proof of her infidelity. Otherwise, you're wasting your money. She's a complete POS, so why do you need to see photographic proof of it if you already KNOW it? Save your money.

You should have left this shrew years ago.

Go see a lawyer TOMORROW!!! And if you live in a state that recognizes at-fault divorces, your lawyer will TELL you and he/she will also tell you whether it's worth hiring a PI or not. Don't do anything *UNTIL* you see your lawyer - but get to one!


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Just go for a divorce, period. What do you care about anything else (unless the cheating will help in the divorce where you live). Whether she's been cheating or not, the relationship is over, so just get out of it, and seek the best deal financially or otherwise for you.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

resiliencesholdwin said:


> Just like any other story, my story is long. But in order to get some help (and attention), I'll try to keep it as short as possible.
> 
> It's extremely painful for me to even say this. I have been hit multiple times, being emotionally tortured during daytime, but at night it becomes totally opposite. She (yes, my wife of a very long time) wants me physically like nothing is wrong between us.
> 
> ...


So sorry,

Well, you intellectually already have a good idea of what lies ahead.
You will have to go through the stages of grieving. The pain, sadness, depression, loneliness and the up and down emotions that you have to suffer during the first stages of grief. No set time table. You will move on to acceptance, the pain will lessen, you will begin heal and find comfort in your friends, family, you will find other women attractive and you will meet and get the romantic spark for others....probably fall in love and look back and one day think/feel boy was I miserable with that person I am so lucky to be better off now.

To heal you need to focus on yourself. Eat right, exercise, pursue your hobbies, talk to people, talk to friends, maybe a church member or support/recovery group with church or outside of a church, do not spend too much time alone (after you've grieved) and get out and be with people. Try some new stuff you've never done before. Eventually start meeting other young ladies and enjoy their company again.

Remember, she is not worth you wasting away your life. She is one bad seed, There are 3.5 billion other women out there, do not give her any control or power to make you bemoan your own life. She isn't worth it. If she is betraying you and lying to you and letting other men have her when she promised herself to be yours alone then she isn't worth one tear. There are tons......I mean tons of wonderful ladies out there that are worth meeting and getting to know and becoming romantically involved with.

This is a reflection on HER and her character and twisted selfishness.
She is not worth feeling miserable over and sitting at home feeling depressed. You take care of you, you talk to people, heal, focus on getting better and you get out their and live your life to the fullest.

Divorce the loser and put this worthless one behind you, there are too many friends to rejoice with, too many places to visit and see, too many new experiences to try out, too many wonderful ladies out there to meet, too much to live for to spend too much time feeling miserable over this one. You have to grieve, but do not take too long with it. If this is the stuff she does then she isn't worth your time, effort, concern, tears or giving your heart to. Take that heart back, let her be dead to you, move on and get on with an exciting life on this giant planet full of color, music, literature, films, travel, friends, good food, wonderful ladies craving love and a good man. (others will probably have a bunch of useful legal, divorce procedure related tips and advice).


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

How's it going,@resiliencesholdwin?


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## resiliencesholdwin (Jun 15, 2020)

Thank you all for your reply. 

I will reply in details but for the time being, privacy is the main concern. 

I truly appreciate everyone's feedback!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You can post in the Private section for additional security.


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