# EA Guilt



## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

Next week will mark 3 years since EA dday. It wasn't only that i pulled away and formed inappropriate relationship with someone else, i also said very hurtful things to my wife, and worse i did close to nothing to my newborn then. 

She set a nanny cam when daughter was 3 months old, nanny turned out great. Unfortunately it also recorded our fights, she kept it for emotional abuse ground for the divorce she filed. I watched it again 2 days ago and still can't believe how much of a jerk i was

First one was argument not fight. She asked why i was acting so distance from her. I said it was only because i was busy and she was busy too. She didn't buy it so she kept pressing on it, so like a normal guilty liar person that i was, i flipped all the blame on her. I said that she made it difficult for me to stay at home because everything including her was messy, very unlike her. 

Since then she tried her best to pulled me back, kept the house clean, put clean dress when i got back home, new flowers on dining room's vase everyday. But the more she tried the more i ran away. I went home, usually she'd wait, smiled and we kissed. She asked how my day was but instead i just went straight to shower. We ate dinner she tried to talk but i didn't answer much, because i checked my berry all the time. When we were on the bed my berry'd still be on my hand for incredibly useless chats with xAP. That was the routine until dday, i kept lying and made her invisible

We fought again when she had became aware of satan. 
One evening i was supposed to buy some baby supplies but i lied to her that i couldn't, a neighbor saw me and xAP and told her, i said that she was my team member so off course we spent a lot of time, i became angry/panic and accused her of having people to follow me around. She was teary and told me that she was unhappy because of the situation, and stupidly i told her that that must be the reason, it was her not me who had to have self control. I said that i hadn't changed and accused her that she had changed and became a superficial person and brat because she hired a nanny while other mothers can handle a baby on their own and that was why we were so distant. 

She let out sarcastic laugh and said that generally other mother doesn't have to handle a teething 4 months old and 5 bedroom house alone with an absentee husband and that she worked hard to keep the house tidy and fix her hair and makeup and rotated the baby's schedule so she'd be asleep when i went home so we could reconnected again, just as i said before. My berry went off, it was AP and wife saw it. She just walked away, i said i wouldn't pick it up yet she didn't care

I hadn't changed my way until dday, 2 days after the big fight. I just kept lying and went silent to her and she didn't say much either. DDay came and she told me to get out and that she would proceed with divorce. I begged her to reconsidered and that i'd do better, quit my job and stop contact with xAP, she kept saying no and i kept pleading. Eventually she left without any words and locked herself in the nursery. The next day when i went back from my office after quit my job, she had left with our girl. Satan emailed her a fake apologize full with blameshifting and called herself innocent yet inserted transcript of our contacts. She contacted wife again and wife told her to stop. xAP got offended and called her ungrateful yada yada and wife called her wh0re. xAP got enraged and just jumbled the concept of wife and wh0re and said that difference is she got the marriage license and gave birth. I call her satan for a reason

I still feel guilty and ashame of it, I ran away like a loser, lied and hurt her repeatedly in a time when she needed me the most, brought an old scar back from her childhood and abandoned our only child just so i could her a stranger told me that my tie look nice or that i was excellent at my job when the truth is that me performance level was at lowest. I will never excuse her affair afterwards but a small masochist part of me keep saying "suck it up, you deserve it". Although so far my wife doesn't do any blameshift (said she should've left or R all the way.) i'm still worry about communicating this topic with her. Advice ?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If the topic is your guilt, then your feelings of guilt are proper, in my opinion. What you were thinking when you treated your wife so terribly is what is improper.

I remember your story, Daniel. What you did was truly terrible. What she did is also truly terrible. You can have a terrible contest to see who has behaved the worst, but somehow I doubt that that is productive. You both have to own your hurtful behavior. You sound like you are doing that and part of the process is talking about it. I don't think it would be harmful to talk to your wife about these feelings. I think most people would consider it positive.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

There's only so much beating a dog can take without striking back. I don't know what you're asking? You already know that you sh**ed on your wife and marriage. She tried by changing to make the relationship better but you turned her efforts into nothingness by attacking her self esteem and continued with the A. You threw her away so you really don't have any justification to feel angry at her for moving on with her life and have an affair after she left the marriage. The best you can do is give her an amicable divorce if that's what she's asking and be there for your child.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Just noticed that you deleted your original thread. How are things between you and Mrs. D these days?


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## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Just noticed that you deleted your original thread. How are things between you and Mrs. D these days?


Work in progress. She admitted that she closed herself to me because she didn't believe me after my EA, everything that i did for 2 years to make it up for her meant nothing because she thought that they were fake. I did lie again about details of EA after initial R because of complete shame, i didn't want to hurt her anymore and i was scared that if she knew the full extent of what i did then she'd changed her mind, thought if we could just move on and made up everything would be fine. BIG mistake, now that i'm the BS i can see how hurtful it is. She had compiled every emails, texts and receipts and already had a full timeline, she asked to confirm not to find out. I apologized again but i had burned the only bridge that she gave, she turned ice cold me and had her affair

I think after she saw my breakdown she realized that i am truly in love with her. There are struggles here and there, mostly with mind movies. She told me details of what she did which were all the same pattern with the same position. I hardly believed her but polygraph confirmed it. It was a relieve at first, woo so it was all mechanical boring sex, that sex with me when we weren't fighting was way better, that i was better but then i thought, she cheated on me just for that ? How desperate could she be ? I bear this hell of a pain just for that ? WTF

Little hiccup, she said that she disliked being a housewife. After daughter goes to nap there's not much for her to do except taking the kid to bath, dress her and make dinner. Plus she got an offer to be a director for local charity, organize events, arrange the budget things like that. I know that she's very tempted, she is someone who is happier with workplace challenge but she tried to hide it from me because she thinks i won't agree. Truth is, yes i disagree. I still want her to remain housewife at least until our girl got into kindergarten in 2 years. Confuse about this one too


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Daniel, if she doesn't want to be a housewife you're making a big mistake pushing it. She will resent you for it and it will fester. 

Your daughter will be fine in a nice day care. My boys went to day care and loved it, they're 11 and 14 now and doing very well.

An unhappy wife isn't going to end well for you. I was a sahm for 5 years and I HATED it, my ex pushed it too and now he's my ex. For other reasons too but he did push it knowing I wasn't happy with it.

If she misses this opportunity it might not come again and she's going to be po'd at you for it. You've already treated her really poorly, I'm surprised she's still married to you. Tell her to take the job.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My DD24 says she would have hated NOT going to daycare. She stayed home her first 3 years and when she finally went to daycare, she THRIVED. She's now a grad student and has a great guy and the sky's the limit.

Your wife has TOLD you she doesn't like it, you have admitted feeling guilt about what you've put her through, and yet you are STILL trying to impose YOUR wants on her.

How do you think that's going to turn out?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> It was a relieve at first, woo so it was all mechanical boring sex, that sex with me when we weren't fighting was way better, that i was better but then i thought, she cheated on me just for that ? How desperate could she be ? *I bear this hell of a pain just for that ? WTF*


Poor Daniel got cheated on just like he cheated on her! You got the same poison that you gave her so stop thinking about how unfair you were treated. You are going to have to deal with her affair in a positive way and not how unfair you have been treated.

You drew first blood when you with your free-will decide to be Satan’s (OW) partner in crime. If your wife wanted to R with you she did the worst thing by having an affair (Revenge?)
If you two have decided that you are going to suffer through the pains and stay together then get good help and then you BOTH DO EXACALLY what you need to do to save your marriage and family. Talk is not enough you have to take the pain and do the ACTIONS to get through the consequences that you both created.

*You both are going to have to suffer for years and also you both are going to have to give the R activities many years of 100% effort!*


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

So the OW called your wife up and tells her that the only difference between them is that your wife got the papers and gave birth? I'm sorry but I would have a hard time believing you had an EA after this. I have a feeling you are in false R, and your still not forthcoming about your affair.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Parents put all of us in daycare. We turned out fine. Im an RN, sister is a lawyer (Harvard grad), and brother is a computer programmer. Both my parents worked. What is your hang up about daycare? And I agree you could make your wife resent you even further if you arent able to compromise when she's outright telling you she doesn't like being a SAHM.


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## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

always_hopefull said:


> So the OW called your wife up and tells her that the only difference between them is that your wife got the papers and gave birth? I'm sorry but I would have a hard time believing you had an EA after this. I have a feeling you are in false R, and your still not forthcoming about your affair.


No, not them but wh0re in general. She worded it as "i'm not a wh0re but at least wh0re get paid. Wife is just a wh0re with certificate and gives birth, aren't you special ?" Her brain is truly 50 shades of fucc up, what's weird is she did say she want to get married, with her concept of relationship i bet my top dollar it won't work

As for the physical, no. It wasn't love EA that i had to kept my desire for satan, it was more like OCD friendship, deep down i knew that a lot of compliment she gave was over the top but i was too selfish. She's also a very tall woman and it's a very big turn off, even when i was in the middle of EA i had never fantasized about kissing her let alone as far as sex
The only physical contact that ever happened was only when she almost fell at a slippery stair and i held her upper arms. That was it, my wife didn't believe it too at first because satan lied and told her that we made out twice. Instead of poly she got me really drunk and asked, i answered no and apparently ended up crying on her lap begging for forgiveness, until now i still don't remember that night


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