# Masturbating to coworker



## Gissel Franco (Nov 6, 2016)

I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this. Buy I recently found out my husband has been masturbating to his coworker. 
I'm so upset. I dont know what to think. When I confronted him, he didn't deny it. He said that he was stupid. Lately we've been having a lot of problems. I just don't understand. He has a box full of porn but he chose to masterbate to her. I never reject him sex. I basically have to beg him for sex. I'm not sure how I'm suppose to get over this. Any advice??


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Do you mean in person, or to a picture of her?


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Gissel Franco said:


> I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this. *Buy I recently found out my husband has been masturbating to his coworker. *


How do you "know" this?


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Same question, how do you know that is who he is masterbating to?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

He is attracted to her.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Gissel Franco said:


> When I confronted him, he didn't deny it. ...
> 
> Any advice??


On a positive note, he was open and honest with you about something most men would be mortified to discuss with a spouse. So in this sense he trusts you A LOT to be open with you about this.

On the downside, he very well could be having an emotional affair with this person. While most of the time these relationships begin innocently and respectful, it can serve to put emotional distance between you and your husband. This will be challenging, and depending on the nature of his work, he may have difficulties putting distance between himself and this coworker. 

My advice would be for you to try and be as confident as you can. Read about and discuss emotional affairs to see if this is what you two are dealing with. 

While awkward, if you think of other men when you masturbate you might want to share this with him as well. This will help serve to defuse the emotional trauma as to say, "hey you big idiot, I'm not perfect either" and that will bring you two close again. Even better if you can make jokes about it. 

OK... I've got to go compete with James Kirk of the USS Enterprise right now, so wish me luck!










Badsanta


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

badsanta said:


> While awkward, if you think of other men when you masturbate you might want to share this with him as well. This will help serve to defuse the emotional trauma as to say


Because this has worked out so well so far. There is such a thing as too much information.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Both men and women fantasize about all kinds of things and sometimes those fantasies do not fit into a neat box of what we think is acceptable. Sometimes there is an extra thrill from fantasizing about those we really shouldn't be fantasizing about - taboo fantasies are often very powerful. 

Both my H and I have fantasies about imaginary or real people, I'm pretty sure its normal and healthy as long as it doesn't become obsessive or there is an urge to make fantasy a reality. Most people would run a mile if their fantasies came true. 

Sexual fantasies do not exclusively make an emotional affair - sexual fantasies along with needing to physically be with someone, preferring to be with them over other people, craving their company, inappropriate oversharing of emotions = emotional affair. So take a step back from your knee jerk reaction and just give yourself time to think about what is really going on here rather than what you think is going on. If he chooses to spend a lot of time with her or you have some evidence of something inappropriate (socialising outside work for instance) then maybe you should be worried and he needs to get away from her. 

I am also encouraged that he talked to you honestly about this - very much a good sign.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

sokillme said:


> Because this has worked out so well so far. There is such a thing as too much information.


In a marriage, "too much information" does not generally apply to sexuality. Instead the fear of sharing/hearing "too much information" with your spouse is generally a HUGE freaking red flag.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

IMO Masturbating to a coworker is a huge red flag. 

If given the chance most people will indulge their fantasy. That is why TAM has so many threads on cheating.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Gissel Franco said:


> I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this. Buy I recently found out my husband has been masturbating to his coworker.
> I'm so upset. I dont know what to think. When I confronted him, he didn't deny it. He said that he was stupid. Lately we've been having a lot of problems. I just don't understand. He has a box full of porn but he chose to masterbate to her. I *never reject him sex. I basically have to beg him for sex.* I'm not sure how I'm suppose to get over this. Any advice??


When you say he masturbated to a coworker, do you mean he masturbated in front of her in real life, or did he masturbate while looking at her picture? The distinction is rather important.

I'm going to assume he masturbated while looking her picture and that is something not wholly important. If a man masturbates while looking at porn it is the anonymity that acts as a safety measure. He clearly doesn't have intentions to seek an affair with the men or women in the porn. But masturbating while looking at a picture of someone he knows, while on the creepy side, isn't infidelity or cheating. You need to understand why he wanted to look at her picture while he jerked off. Does he want to have sex with her? Does he find her sexy? Or, maybe he was really angry at her and anger is a passionate feeling so looking at her picture while angrily jerking off might be more palatable to consider.

The bolded above is the real problem in your marriage. Your husband isn't bringing his sexual energy to you. He isn't meeting your needs. Why? Is he being passive aggressive? He is controlling?

How long have you been married? Is it possible you married a guy who just isn't sexually attracted to you? If you were my daughter I'd suggest you get out of this marriage as soon as possible.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> When you say he masturbated to a coworker, do you mean he masturbated in front of her in real life, or did he masturbate while looking at her picture? The distinction is rather important.
> .


I was wondering the same thing. I would guess it is due to a picture/image he has of her and not that they are masturbating together.

Still though, it wasn't clear from the OP, is he masturbating to a mental image of her or an actual picture of her. If an actual picture of her, how did he get this?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> I was wondering the same thing. I would guess it is due to a picture/image he has of her and not that they are masturbating together.
> 
> Still though, it wasn't clear from the OP, is he masturbating to a mental image of her or an actual picture of her. If an actual picture of her, how did he get this?


Mental image...no big deal. Actual picture, no doubt from Facebook, a slightly more concerning sitch. Masturbating while with her ....infidelity.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> IMO Masturbating to a coworker is a huge red flag.
> 
> If given the chance most people will indulge their fantasy. That is why TAM has so many threads on cheating.


:surprise: Is it the 'coworker' that is the issue? Or does that red flag extend to the hot woman down the road, or the gorgeous guy that delivers my groceries? My husband chuckles at my little flirtations with him . 

I suppose being in close proximity all day with someone sexy, and perhaps not having a very fulfilled sex life it may be a bit worrying. More orange-ish flag for me until we get more context. 
@Anon Pink I never thought about FB pics. I like to think I have fully come to terms and celebrate male fantasies but there is something creepy about the idea of someone trawling FB for those purposes. I agree.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

badsanta said:


> In a marriage, "too much information" does not generally apply to sexuality. Instead the fear of sharing/hearing "too much information" with your spouse is generally a HUGE freaking red flag.


What is the end game of telling someone this? Have a discussion about it? To what end? Because the person is having intrusive thoughts (Now that is a red flag), telling you SO this may be the beginning of the end. Invite the person in your bed, almost all marriages are not open like this? I get that my wife may have fantasies about others, But when it comes to real people we know as long as it's only in her mind there is 0, ZERO reason for me to know about it. It has no, NO benefit it will only lead to distress and confusion. To me your advice seem silly, not talking about that is not a red flag it's just common courtesy. Exhibit A is this thread.

By the way the fact that you think her wife's problem with this has to do with sex shows little you understand the problem. It's the emotional component of choosing to fantasize about a person you work with, and to some extent their proximity that is the problem. Telling her about it is callous.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

sokillme said:


> What is the end game of telling someone this?


Talking about things removes the shame associated with it.

When left unchecked, shame about being able to communicate openly with your spouse about any and everything will destroy you! Some people might think shame is healthy and it is a natural way we all instinctively avoid unhealthy things. Those people would be wrong in my opinion. 

There is nothing shameful with finding a coworker attractive. But unless you become vulnerable about that with your spouse and communicate, the two would be unable to help each other avoid conflicts.

Imagine your spouse is very attracted to you neighbor. You have no idea, so you invite them along on vacations and are way to trusting for them to spend time alone together. In the event your spouse would tell you, then you would realize through talking about it that he/she may need your help. Letting go of any shame is the first step to help normalize the situation. Then as a couple* you help each other *do what is best for your relationship. 

Badsanta


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

@sokillme 

Fantasies do not have to be talked about and for most people preferable to keep those things to yourself. However, because the OP has discovered her H's fantasy and is distressed, it cannot be just ignored and this may be a time for a grown up discussion on what fantasies mean to us and why they are healthy. By exploring her own fantasies and sharing them with her H she is saying 'we both do it, its OK, now lets move on'. Remember her H will be feeling a lot of shame over this and you can't move forward whilst shame and guilt hangs over you.

I have been at this point and found sharing fantasies leveling. But there are times when I don't want to share and neither does H and that is OK too.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

badsanta said:


> Talking about things removes the shame associated with it.
> 
> When left unchecked, shame about being able to communicate openly with your spouse about any and everything will destroy you! Some people might think shame is healthy and it is a natural way we all instinctively avoid unhealthy things. Those people would be wrong in my opinion.
> 
> ...


If you are feeling shame about it then use a IC don't make your spouse carry that weight. What you just described is very selfish. Here is what you are saying broken down, I am feeling shame because I did something that I know will probably hurt my SO, so I will tell them about it so I no longer have to feel that shame. Now my SO can worry about it, but hey I don't have to feel the shame any more. 

He also didn't tell his wife he is attracted to someone, he told her he jacked to her. Not the same.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

peacem said:


> @sokillme
> 
> Fantasies do not have to be talked about and for most people preferable to keep those things to yourself. However, because the OP has discovered her H's fantasy and is distressed, it cannot be just ignored and this may be a time for a grown up discussion on what fantasies mean to us and why they are healthy. By exploring her own fantasies and sharing them with her H she is saying 'we both do it, its OK, now lets move on'. Remember her H will be feeling a lot of shame over this and you can't move forward whilst shame and guilt hangs over you.
> 
> I have been at this point and found sharing fantasies leveling. But there are times when I don't want to share and neither does H and that is OK too.


Yes of course they have to talk about it NOW, but on this and other threads many advocate for telling your SO when you are fantasizing about others in your life (Not public figures). I think this is a bad deal. Also the point I was addressing was a response that basically said well since he told you about his, you should tell him about yours. Basically to put it in its starkest terms "oh yeah, well I am jacking to this person you know, so there". That is just going to do more damage. 

This is not going to be a thing in their marriage at least as long as he works with this person, maybe longer. She will just have to learn to deal with it. It will be a negative force that she will now have to fight against now because of course that is human nature. Most are not strong enough to just blow this kind of thing off. It could have all been avoided if he has just said nope. Relationships are hard enough, no reason to poor gasoline on a fire, especially to dissuade ones guilt.

I am all for sharing fantasies, I am against sharing who your are attracted to when they are in close proximity. And I am REALLY against telling your SO you jacked to them. Seems like a no-brainer.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> Mental image...no big deal. Actual picture, no doubt from Facebook, a slightly more concerning sitch. Masturbating while with her ....infidelity.


Genuinely curious why the picture makes a difference? Is it the creep factor?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

sokillme said:


> If you are feeling shame about it then use a IC don't make your spouse carry that weight. *What you just described is very selfish. * Here is what you are saying broken down, I am feeling shame because I did something that I know will probably hurt my SO, so I will tell them about it so I no longer have to feel that shame. Now my SO can worry about it, but hey I don't have to feel the shame any more.
> 
> He also didn't tell his wife he is attracted to someone, he told her he jacked to her. Not the same.


I guess some people just don't understand how selfishness, sharing thoughts, and sexuality work together in a positive way.

The same people also don't understand how being vulnerable actually make you a stronger person. 

Agree to disagree at this point. Let the OP comment!

Badsanta


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

I think some of you are living in a fairy tale land. Maybe your marriage works that way, not mine. 

Finding the cute mail lady attractive is ok. 

Jerking off to pics of coworker is not ok. At all. 

Yes, it matters GREATLY that it is a coworker.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

badsanta said:


> I guess some people just don't understand how selfishness, sharing thoughts, and sexuality work together in a positive way.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



IMO OP has already commented. She is upset by this. Nothing "positive " in her mind about this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Gissel Franco said:


> I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this. Buy I recently found out my husband has been masturbating to his coworker.
> I'm so upset. I dont know what to think. When I confronted him, he didn't deny it. He said that he was stupid. Lately we've been having a lot of problems. I just don't understand. He has a box full of porn but he chose to masterbate to her. I never reject him sex. I basically have to beg him for sex. I'm not sure how I'm suppose to get over this. Any advice??


I'm hoping that you will come back here and answer some of the questions asked.

For example, did he masturbate to her in person at work? Or did he do it while looking at a photo of her? If it was a photo, where did he get the photo? Does she know about this?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Seems that there is a whole issue going on here about masterbation in general. I'm surprised that the poster isn't that upset about the box of porn that she knows about and doesn't cross any sort of boundary. It might be that since it didn't upset her to much with the box of porn that he could expand his subject matter.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

I might be overly sensitive but find it particularly offensive when bodily fluids are unexpectedly lobbed over my cubical wall. 

Please, I don't like collateral damage! 😠


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Haiku said:


> I might be overly sensitive but find it particularly offensive when bodily fluids are unexpectedly lobbed over my cubical wall.
> 
> 
> 
> Please, I don't like collateral damage!




At my job we have to wear eye protection.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i too wonder the exact details. It is VERY common for perhaps half of the people in the world to have sexual fantasies. You might have a fantasy about having sex with a movie actor/actress, or someone you know, of even a close friend or worker. I see NOTHING at all wrong with that. It might seem strange to the spouse if they are the other half that never fantasizes.

But if the two workers were in a room together and masturbating when watching each other.....hat is pretty serious, and in fact i would suggest that they are lying to you and actually DID have sex, but are embarrassed to tell you the truth.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> i too wonder the exact details. It is VERY common for perhaps half of the people in the world to have sexual fantasies.


No, it's very common for half of the people in the world to admit to having sexual fantasies. 

The other half know better.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

no I do not believe all people have them. If you have a LD spouse, it is a pretty sure bet they NEVER have sexual fantasies!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I would be very upset if my H jerked off to a photo or online with someone of the opposite sex. It means he is not engaging with me sexually and is sharing what should be between us with someone else, real of otherwise. As far as I am concerned it would be cheating. I am sure OP's H would not be happy to find her masturbating "to" one of her colleagues, as would any of us, right?


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## Jelena (Dec 5, 2016)

I would be furious if i caught my husband doing this, but in saying that and now sounding hypocrytical i have done this


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

@Gissel Franco


How's it going? Did you ever work it out with your husband over him m'bing to his co-worker?


I'm *still* curious as to how you found out he was doing this.


Trying to imagine my husband telling me, "by the way, I jerk off to thoughts of _____ at work from time to time. She's hawt!!"


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Does it matter if it is someone that they know vs random porn?

Is it rare for you to turn your partner down for sex?




aine said:


> I would be very upset if my H jerked off to a photo or online with someone of the opposite sex. It means he is not engaging with me sexually and is sharing what should be between us with someone else, real of otherwise. As far as I am concerned it would be cheating. I am sure OP's H would not be happy to find her masturbating "to" one of her colleagues, as would any of us, right?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

uhtred said:


> Does it matter if it is someone that they know vs random porn?
> 
> 
> 
> Is it rare for you to turn your partner down for sex?




OP is a one and done. Never came back.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> OP is a one and done. Never came back.


Hit and run poster. Probably just to stir things up.  

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Jelena said:


> I would be furious if i caught my husband doing this, but in saying that and now sounding hypocrytical i have done this


lets face it, ONLINE sex via text or cam is a VERY different level than a physical BJ or getting laid. Online sex sometimes even helps the marriage, as in HD/LD couples, or those that are long distance.


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