# Does this sound fair?



## 242PM (Oct 3, 2013)

So my husband told me a little over three weeks ago that he doesn't want to be married to me. He's refusing to go to counseling and to discuss any possibility of saving our marriage. He is just done. He wants to live apart starting the first on November, which would be barely one month since he first told me he didn't want to be together. (I was totally taken by surprise) 
For a few reasons, including costs, I have decided that I will move out (he gave me the choice to stay at the house and pay for all bills here, or rent a different place and he would stay at the house). Is it reasonable for him to expect that I move out November 1st? I've barely had time to catch my breath let alone process that the life and dreams I thought I had are totally over now. I haven't worked in two years so finding a job isn't going to be easy with the gap of not working on my resume. I have tried explaining this to him but he says he cannot handle living with me past the end of the month because he is tired of me always wanting to talk to him about "stuff" and then crying in front of him because he says it is torturous for him to have to rehash everything and that since I don't work I should have been able to process all the changes that are happening in my life (totally against my will). 

In the past week he has begun to treat me like a guest that has overstayed their welcome in HIS house. What should I do? I don't even know for sure where I want to live or if I want to go back to the line of work I used to be in! Do most people break up and then move out so quickly? Is it reasonable of him to expect that I will just scoot out of his life and into the sunset so quickly? I seriously don't have anyplace else to go. My dad is in a nursing home and my mom has lost her mind. (long story, but really she has). A sibling lives overseas and I have only a few friends whose homes I could not go to because I am severely allergic to cats and they each have mutliple cats. 

He says he will give me a set amount of money each month but it wouldn't be enough to rent a place because you need to put a month rent down as a deposit in addition to paying the first months rent. On top of that I'd need to pay to have utilities started, buy a bed and everything else that a home needs.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm writing you a longer response but need more info.

How old are the two of you? 
How long have you been married?
Do you have any children?
Do you two own the house you are now living in?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

242PM said:


> So my husband told me a little over three weeks ago that he doesn't want to be married to me. He's refusing to go to counseling and to discuss any possibility of saving our marriage. He is just done. He wants to live apart starting the first on November, which would be barely one month since he first told me he didn't want to be together. (I was totally taken by surprise)


What a charmer he is … NOT!!! Is he having an affair? Is this why he wants to live without you? Is he moving some woman in? Well you don’t have to play along with whatever he wants.


242PM said:


> For a few reasons, including costs, I have decided that I will move out (he gave me the choice to stay at the house and pay for all bills here, or rent a different place and he would stay at the house). Is it reasonable for him to expect that I move out November 1st? I've barely had time to catch my breath let alone process that the life and dreams I thought I had are totally over now.


He is not being fair at all. The place you two are living in is both of your legal residence. Neither of you can kick the other out. It would take a court order for one of you to have to move and the court will not do that until the day the a divorce is signed.

Don’t move. Tell him that you two can share the place as it’s your legal residence, until the divorce is final.


242PM said:


> I haven't worked in two years so finding a job isn't going to be easy with the gap of not working on my resume. I have tried explaining this to him but he says he cannot handle living with me past the end of the month because he is tired of me always wanting to talk to him about "stuff" and then crying in front of him because he says it is torturous for him to have to rehash everything and that since I don't work I should have been able to process all the changes that are happening in my life (totally against my will).


What are you trying to talk to him about that is bothering him so much?

Why have you not been working?


242PM said:


> In the past week he has begun to treat me like a guest that has overstayed their welcome in HIS house. What should I do? I don't even know for sure where I want to live or if I want to go back to the line of work I used to be in! Do most people break up and then move out so quickly? Is it reasonable of him to expect that I will just scoot out of his life and into the sunset so quickly? I seriously don't have anyplace else to go. My dad is in a nursing home and my mom has lost her mind. (long story, but really she has). A sibling lives overseas and I have only a few friends whose homes I could not go to because I am severely allergic to cats and they each have mutliple cats.


No most people do not move this fast to end a relationship. DO NOT MOVE OUT RIGHT NOW.


242PM said:


> He says he will give me a set amount of money each month but it wouldn't be enough to rent a place because you need to put a month rent down as a deposit in addition to paying the first months rent. On top of that I'd need to pay to have utilities started, buy a bed and everything else that a home needs.


Do you two have a joint bank account? Do you have access to any money without asking him for it?

Here’s a start of a game plan for you.

Do not move out. But right now do not tell him that you have no desire to move out.

See an attorney and file for divorce. Have the attorney ask for an emergency interim spousal support hearing. Interim spousal support is the money that he has to pay to you while the divorce is in progress. Get this via court order. Right now he says that he will willingly give you money, but don’t count on it the minute you are out the door.

From this moment forward, interact with him according to the 180 (see the link in my signature block below.) You are going to need to stop talking to him about emotional stuff right now until you figure things out, get an attorney and let him know that you are his wife and you are not going anywhere until either the divorce is final or you two fix your marriage.

You have no choice but to file right now because it’s the only way you are going to get his attention and the financial support you need.


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## 242PM (Oct 3, 2013)

*Answers:*

*How old are the two of you?* 

- Both 35

*How long have you been married?*

- Married 4 years a few days ago on Oct 17 (together 11 years)

*Do you have any children?
*
- Not together
*
Do you two own the house you are now living in?*

- Yes, with a large mortgage and about 100K in equity.


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## 242PM (Oct 3, 2013)

I know I should do much of what you said. I need to gather chutzpah!! (nerve!)


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## 242PM (Oct 3, 2013)

2galsmom said:


> Secure cash for a retainer before he takes it all. Talk to a lawyer before you move out. Do not believe a word he says and get everything in writing. Ask him if he will attend mediation in lieu of court BUT be prepared to go to court with tMr. I am in a Big Hurry to go where?
> 
> If I were you I would also, DO NOT TELL HIM, send him to what is called Discovery to see if he has been busy planning his new life without you in the last month, or even year and moving money.
> 
> This man is very fishy. You have not mentioned the possibility of another woman. (or man!)


I cannot rule out someone else..... he swears up and down that isn't the case, but there are even more "tells" that I haven't posted here.


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

You seem to still want him. Is that really true or is it because you need him. You havent really told us much of what he finds objectionable about you. You say there are children I suppose from both of you but I suppose they are not living with you.

Have you had many arguments or fights in the past. I still think you should work on saving this marriage.


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## Morgiana (Oct 18, 2011)

accept1 said:


> You seem to still want him. Is that really true or is it because you need him. You havent really told us much of what he finds objectionable about you. You say there are children I suppose from both of you but I suppose they are not living with you.
> 
> Have you had many arguments or fights in the past. I still think you should work on saving this marriage.


@accept, how is this even remotely helpful or motivational for the OP? You conjectured and then told the spouse who doesn't want the marriage to end that she should work on the marriage. 

@242, ele has given you some very sound advice. If you can secure some cash assets now, it would save you a lot of headache in the end. Also, beware of any lines of credit that may be open on the house; my spouse was able to drain all the equity out of the house that way to pay his personal bills. If you have a line of credit on the house, talk to the lawyer about that as well.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOME!!!

THat is so very important. IT sounds like he has done his homework and you haven't caught up yet. If you move out of the home, it could be seen as abandonment and that will cost you, depending on what state you are in. Go get cash out of any and every account that you can and get yourself a lawyer fast!


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Do not move out of your home !!!!! Listen to the people above !!! You will be the "new poor" women have fought years and years to change !!! You need legal help !!!! You need someone in your court ! Dont, dont, dont listen to your stbx, he is not treating you kindly . He is a cruel jerk ! If he cant stand the heat, then he gets out of the kitchen, as the cooks say ....



~sammy


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