# Year 4 After Infidelity - As Good As It Gets?



## Sammy TC (Jan 16, 2016)

Hello -- here I am 4 years after my spouse was caught cheating and 3 years after he admitted to previous additional affairs. We both had individual counselling the year of the big reveal. DH affirmed his desire to stay married. I also want to stay married and continue to raise our two kids together. I've gone back to work to a great job, DH has been completely supportive and has rearranged his schedule to make it work, DH shows affection and we have some good laughs. So, pretty good.

Here is the downside. Sex is okay, but I don't feel like flirting or initiating with someone who has cheated on me. So, that is a bummer. Emotional triggers crop up periodically. Just seeing DH on his cell, even for an above-the-board call, turns me off. Basically, I don't like to initiate greetings, hugs, plans, conversations, or anything more intimate because I was the "chaser" for so long that I don't want to repeat mistakes. However, I do love this person, want to stay married, and don't want to starve the relationship, even with its flaws. I'd like to find a way to improve the relationship without putting on an act.


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

Hi Sammy, You didn't mention whether you and H have gone to IC, MC? I would suggest that this would be a starting point since you want to make it work.

Do the IC for you and the MC for the relationship. If you read through threads here you will see that ever BS has their own timeline for forgiveness and their own deal breaking points. One thing seems to be a constant- those triggers. Apparently they get less severe and occur less often but never go fully away. Another constant- if you are in reconciliation you can't expect your marriage to be the same. You don't WANT your marriage to be the same. You have to work on making yourself healthy first.

Keep reading and posting-there is lots of support here.

Sorry you are hurting.


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## Quigster (Aug 1, 2015)

Sammy TC said:


> I'd like to find a way to improve the relationship without putting on an act.


It takes time to rebuilt trust. It won't happen overnight.

If he is serious about continuing your relationship, ask him to plan dates with you so that you don't feel like you're doing all the chasing. Later on, it makes sense for both of you to put forth about the same effort, but right now he owes it to you to make the extra effort. 

As for the emotional triggers, they will become less severe over time. Let's say your dog died and a particular song was playing on the radio at the time. The next time you heard that song, it would make you sad because it reminded you of when you heard it last. Over the months and years, though, it would gradually affect you less and less until you no longer felt sad just by hearing it.

Really, all emotional triggers are like that. You can become desensitized to them through frequent exposure. Don't go in the other room and hide every time your husband is on his cell phone, for example. Make sure you sit there and watch him so that, over time, it affects you less than it does now.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

Sammy TC said:


> Hello -- here I am 4 years after my spouse was caught cheating and 3 years after he admitted to previous additional affairs. We both had individual counselling the year of the big reveal. DH affirmed his desire to stay married. I also want to stay married and continue to raise our two kids together. I've gone back to work to a great job, DH has been completely supportive and has rearranged his schedule to make it work, DH shows affection and we have some good laughs. So, pretty good.
> 
> Here is the downside. Sex is okay, but I don't feel like flirting or initiating with someone who has cheated on me. So, that is a bummer. Emotional triggers crop up periodically. Just seeing DH on his cell, even for an above-the-board call, turns me off. Basically, I don't like to initiate greetings, hugs, plans, conversations, or anything more intimate because I was the "chaser" for so long that I don't want to repeat mistakes. However, I do love this person, want to stay married, and don't want to starve the relationship, even with its flaws. I'd like to find a way to improve the relationship without putting on an act.


 Sucks to be stuck!!! I at times know how you feel. You love too much to leave but lost what you had.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It might get better given more time.

It did in my case so please do not give up on yourself.

More counselling for you might help.

My best wishes to you.

But please remember we will be here for you. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Sammy TC said:


> Here is the downside. Sex is okay, but I don't feel like flirting or initiating with someone who has cheated on me. So, that is a bummer. Emotional triggers crop up periodically...


Sammy,

Been there. 6+ years ago caught my wife in an EAPA with old BF. Soon after discovered prior affairs. I know R with a long term SC is a difficult journey.

You will here people talking about 3-5 to "get over". As the years pass, I have come to understand (accept) I'll never "get over". Our marriage is different, the old is no more. I not the same person just as she. 

What I'm getting at... I've quit fighting the past.. can't change it.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Sammy TC said:


> Here is the downside. Sex is okay, but I don't feel like flirting or initiating with someone who has cheated on me. So, that is a bummer. Emotional triggers crop up periodically. Just seeing DH on his cell, even for an above-the-board call, turns me off. Basically, I don't like to initiate greetings, hugs, plans, conversations, or anything more intimate because I was the "chaser" for so long that I don't want to repeat mistakes.


Sounds awful. Like some limbo purgatory you can't escape from. This is why I choose not to reconcile... 

People like to think they and/or others are special little snowflakes. They are not, everyone is replaceable. I'd rather have a new relationship where I could TRUST the person than look over my shoulder the rest of my life. There are good people out there who have a moral code and are loyal. I know this for a fact because I'm one of them. I felt like I deserved better than to settle for some consolidation prize broken person.

Good Luck OP. I hope this guy was worth the YEARS of suffering you have experienced. I personally don't think ANY cheater is.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

For the same and more of your reasons, I chose to leave my girlfriend and fiancee of 5 years, 6 months before our wedding. She cheated on me with my friend while I was overseas and in combat. It would have been easier to take her back rather than the embarrassment of calling off the Wedding, possibly losing deposits, already paid for Wedding dress, etc., 

The sex part was not what bothered me. It was that she demonstrated that she easily could lie and break a trust. I am a firm believer in that a person's past behavior is a very good indicator of their future behavior. Plus I also believe that in most cases, once a cheater always a cheater.

I could not go through life being suspicious of my wife. It would eat me up and make me anxious every time she came home late, acted different, smelled maybe like a man's cologne, whispered on the phone, locked her computer, etc.. 

I chose a non monogamous marriage. We do not feel that we must only have sex with each other or it means we no longer love one another. We found out that we can have sex with many others and still love each other and even more so because we know that we are together not because of fear of a divorce, hurting the kids, religious beliefs, societal expectations fear of being caught or personal morals. We are together for over 40 years because we choose to be and both of us know that we would never leave each other for someone else no matter how much better the sex was. 

Good luck to you. I could not live as you do. Hope it works out.


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