# I want to move on, why won't he let me?



## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

So, my STBXH cheated on me (multiple times over the years). I found out and pretty much begged him to stop, to work on our marraige, you know, pitiful behavior. Anyway, we have been seperated for over a year (emotionally) but physically for over 6 months. He actually left another time during the year but both of my parents passed away within 3 months of each other so he moved back to help with the kids. 

I want to be divorced now. I have sent him child custody paperwork that I had come up with and asked for his opinion, what he would like changed, if anything. He told me that he will not sign anything until he finds his own place to live. He doesn't want to rent, only own. He has looked a little for a place but not much. I think the own but not rent thing is unrealistic. He says he wants his own place (he's living with family members) so he has a place to take the kids. I understand that but as I told him, I would be willing to leave sometimes so they could be here. 

I asked him why he doesn't want to be divorced and he will NOT answer the question. Evades it everytime I ask. I believe it's because he can live the single life anytime he wants and doesn't have to answer to anyone but play house on the weekends (he comes to the house every weekend to spend time with the kids and leaves when he wants, does what he wants). I also think it's just pure selfish. I do not believe he wants me but I do believe he is sad for all that HE is losing.

So my question is, why is he fighting me so hard on the divorce? Is there anything I can do to make this run more smoothly? I don't want to have anger between us, I don't want to have a hateful relationship. Oh, I never had him served, have only discussed child custody because having him served seems angry.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

He wants his cake and eat it too.

He also knows that he can't detach from you. He would have to you divorce him.

File the papers with the court and let him tell the judge why he is doing what he is doing. You shouldn't have to listen to it.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Simple, he's a selfish jerk.

Don't fall a friend trap, either.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

What is he paying in support? Maybe he knows if it goes to to D he will have to pay more and won’t be able to afford that house.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> What is he paying in support? Maybe he knows if it goes to to D he will have to pay more and won’t be able to afford that house.


Exactly what I was going to point out


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## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

We do not have any financials set up through the courts but his paycheck goes into our account and he doesn't touch it. This allows me to pay all our bills. He has his own side business which is what he lives off of. He makes very good money at this during the spring/ summer season and has no issues having plenty of cash. He also is not paying any bills, everything comes from our account.

He finally answered me when I asked (again) why he is fighting me. Basically, he's holding onto hope that we will get back together. He also said he sees more of the old me (pre-kids and pre-sahm). I understand that. I am finding myself again. I wasn't a bad person in that period, I was a damn good wife and mother (many people have seen and stated that) but I know I lost myself in there. He and the kids came first and I didn't have the time to take care of me. I am rediscovering who I am and know I am more interesting because of it

On another angle, I heard that he told someone else that he didn't want to D because he knows he will be screwed financially (although I have no intention of taking him for spousal support although we were together 19 years and married 14) and he won't have the freedom he has now. Great. I definitely feel like he loves me but it's really all about him and how everything benefits him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ImperfectMomma said:


> We do not have any financials set up through the courts but his paycheck goes into our account and he doesn't touch it. This allows me to pay all our bills. He has his own side business which is what he lives off of. He makes very good money at this during the spring/ summer season and has no issues having plenty of cash. He also is not paying any bills, everything comes from our account.
> 
> He finally answered me when I asked (again) why he is fighting me. Basically, he's holding onto hope that we will get back together. He also said he sees more of the old me (pre-kids and pre-sahm). I understand that. I am finding myself again. I wasn't a bad person in that period, I was a damn good wife and mother (many people have seen and stated that) but I know I lost myself in there. He and the kids came first and I didn't have the time to take care of me. I am rediscovering who I am and know I am more interesting because of it
> 
> ...


You just answered your own question.

He's cake-eating.

Push the divorce.

AND... don't be stupid. Put spousal support on the table. If you're in a lifetime alimony state, he will do damned near anything to get you to take that back "off the table"

Move it forward.


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## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

Conrad, you're saying that even though I don't want spousal support, I should use it as leverage to get what I want/need? I live in Pa I guess I don't want it because I feel like even though we both made many sacrifices in order for me to stay home with our kids, it was a great gift he gave me. Honestly, am I being g stupid to not ask for support?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Pa is not a life time alimony state and it is difficult to even get it because E numbers are based off of earning potential. But put it on the table anyway. You are not divorced though so spousal support is much more lenient.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Absolutely ask for it. As for the time you stayed home with the kids, it was a gift you both gave your children. Your earning power and pension went down because of it, but what a wonderful thing to have been able to do. 

In my case, I earn way less now than I would have had I not taken the time off. I also have less seniority, meaning less chance at jobs. And my pension will be less. It did not affect my H’s present wage, his eligibility for jobs or his future pension. It is a price we have both paid and will continue to pay when retired because we are together. You won’t be together, but that doesn’t mean you should bear the full income reduction.


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