# STD testing after affair



## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

Should I make my cheating husband come with me to my OBGYN to explain to the doctor why I need an STD test? I thought I would just see the lab tech, but they said first I will see the doctor to talk about why I feel I need one. 
I am meeting with the doctor who delivered our daughter 6 weeks ago. So obviously he knows us and will remember both of us. 
Honestly, it has made me feel good inside to know that I was going to make him go and face the music of what he's done. But now I am having second thoughts. Should I make him go? 
If you need any reference, my original post is not far away. 
I am just wondering if anyone else would make their spouse go??


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Yes, once again you are worrying about how he feels. 
Too many women think they must carry the burden of the relationship even the **** foisted on them by their W spouses.
The cold hard facts are you just gave birth and your POS WH might have given you an STD. Why on earth would you carry that burden and cover for him?Part of your problem is that you have not allowed him to grow up and be a man and take responsibility for his own actions. He needs to own his ****. Make him go with you and explain why it is necessary. It is about time your good for nothing WH faced up to the reality of the fall out of HIS actions. Why are you mothering him! STOP IT!


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

Don't worry he said he is going. It just crossed my mind and I wondered what others would do!
Thanks for giving me the confidence to carry on.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He needs to be man enough to be the man you need.

Yes, he should go with you.

"Man" enough to cheat but not genuinely man enough to be there for his wife?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I would. A spouse that makes a STD test prudent needs to put aside what it makes them look like and go through everything supporting their BS.

If I was in your H's place I would be so grateful to be allowed a chance at R that you would have to stop me from humiliating myself or going the extra 10 miles for you.

You wouldn't have to bend my arm for anything but to maybe slow me down from putting myself out for you and my family.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

He said he would go. I also told him I am seeing an attorney tomorrow afternoon. I told him I need to see what it would look like if I choose not to R.
He said "wow tomorrow is going to be terrible." And I said "well you put on your big boy pants when you decided to have an affair so you can put them on again tomorrow!"

He said "yes but can't we go somewhere more discreet?"
I said that I want to see my doctor. He said okay... it just had me thinking


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## veganmermaid (Jun 17, 2016)

I made my WH come with me so we could both be advised what tests we both needed. (And to smack him in the face with a dose of reality / seriousness.) 


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

I should take him back with me too right? Like when I am face to face with the doctor?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

adegirl2016 said:


> I should take him back with me too right? Like when I am face to face with the doctor?


You should leave his @ss you can do better.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

adegirl2016 said:


> I should take him back with me too right? Like when I am face to face with the doctor?


*Absolutely!

He needs to feverishly squirm!*


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

If my wife cheated I would make her get tested. If weeks have passed, odds are that you already are showing symptoms but as I found out myself, not always. I think the best way is to have your husband tested. He can have things that he has not passed on to you. Testing yourself will only tell you what you got from him and not what you may still get. So test him, not you unless he tests positive.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Vinnydee said:


> If my wife cheated I would make her get tested. *If weeks have passed, odds are that you already are showing symptoms but as I found out myself, not always. **I think the best way is to have your husband tested.* He can have things that he has not passed on to you. Testing yourself will only tell you what you got from him and not what you may still get. *So test him, not you unless he tests positive*.



They BOTH need to be tested! FFS this is not an either or situation where they only have one STD test between them. Not really the time to skimp on pretty basic health care. 

OP yes you should make him go, then make sure he follows up with his Dr. for his own testing regardless of your results.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

STD Testing is not that simple, incubation timing varies widely from person to person. Most Family Docs will send you to your local Health Dept. It's not a one and done test either. 3 test over a 6 months period is common. Just another gift the cheater brings home. 

https://www.stdcheck.com/blog/how-soon-get-tested-for-stds-unprotected-sex/


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

adegirl2016 said:


> I should take him back with me too right? Like when I am face to face with the doctor?


Your doctor's office may handle these things differently but I didn't need a follow up visit. My test results were delivered online via MyChart. Btw - I'm a guy.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Your doctor will likely recommend your H get tested too, hopefully to his face.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sokillme said:


> You should leave his @ss you can do better.


But they both still need to be tested, even so.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> But they both still need to be tested, even so.


Okay - got it. Wish me luck today lol. Going to be SO AWKWARD!!!!!!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

adegirl2016 said:


> Okay - got it. Wish me luck today lol. Going to be SO AWKWARD!!!!!!!


Crossing my fingers for you, @adegirl2016!


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

adegirl,

Since he also put his baby at risk for STDs, then the least he can do is man up and face the music.

If he cries about it get him a pacifier.

Tamat


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

TAMAT said:


> adegirl,
> 
> Since he also put his baby at risk for STDs, then the least he can do is man up and face the music.
> 
> ...


Thank you someone has at least addressed the elephant in the room.

YES MAKE HIM GO WITH YOU! He and the doctor need to discuss what and when he had unprotected sex and if he could have in any way given an STD to his wife and possibly his baby. This may require, depending on the degree and type of sex testing of three people, (H, W, and baby) over a period of time depending on any positives or false positives.

There should be a discussion of not only what tests, but their accuracy and degree of false positive results.

He needs to understand that as the father and husband he needs to protect his family and he let them down by not having safe sex with a stranger.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@adegirl2016, how's it going?

How are you doing?


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> @adegirl2016, how's it going?
> 
> How are you doing?


The doctor did recommend that he get tested as well. 
Even better, when talking about birth control, I told him I wanted NO more babies. He recommended, in front of my husband, that we not do any permanent birth control because I may want to have babies with someone else in the future, given our situation. LOL. Especially since I am 25. I couldn't deny that. I just said "yeah... you are right... maybe I'll take the pill or something!" 

I am doing okay. Still in shock. I am in this stage where I am just mean to him all the time. I think we went through hysterical bonding earlier in the process, and now that seems to be coming to an end. So things are starting to get real for me. 

I'm not sure what to do. I feel in my heart that I should leave. But right this second isn't the right time to send him packing. I want to wait until after graduation in May... which I know will be here before I know it. Maybe by then he will have given me a reason to stay. Maybe not.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

adegirl2016 said:


> .....Still in shock. I am in this stage where *I am just mean to him all the time.* I think we went through hysterical bonding earlier in the process, and now that seems to be coming to an end. So things are starting to get real for me.
> 
> I'm not sure what to do. *I feel in my heart that I should leave.* But right this second i*sn't the right time to send him packing. I want to wait until after graduation in May.*.. which I know will be here before I know it. Maybe by then he will have given me a reason to stay. Maybe not.


You have every right to be shocked, angry, etc. You have every right to divorce him.

For your sake before you move on to greener pastures (if that is what you choose), you need to make peace with yourself and your anger at him. Even if you divorce him, he will still be your baby's biological father. 

If you want to kick him out, then do so. If you are thinking of ending the relationship in May at least be honest with him about giving x weeks to get over some of your anger before you make a long term decision on your relationship. It is wrong to use him and deceive him until May and it is also wrong to be mean to him all the time. You deserve to be a better person in a better relationship than that. Besides you might fall into bad habits. 

Good luck to you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

adegirl2016 said:


> Don't worry he said he is going. It just crossed my mind and I wondered what others would do!
> Thanks for giving me the confidence to carry on.


Is he being tested as well?


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Is he being tested as well?


yes he was tested as well.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

adegirl2016 said:


> The doctor did recommend that he get tested as well.
> Even better, when talking about birth control, *I told him I wanted NO more babies. He recommended, in front of my husband, that we not do any permanent birth control because I may want to have babies with someone else in the future, given our situation*. LOL. Especially since I am 25. I couldn't deny that. I just said "yeah... you are right... maybe I'll take the pill or something!"
> 
> I am doing okay. Still in shock. I am in this stage where I am just mean to him all the time. I think we went through hysterical bonding earlier in the process, and now that seems to be coming to an end. So things are starting to get real for me.
> ...


Props for the Doc on the "given our situation". I would let the burn just lay... no comment needed. 

As far as what to do... You need to let your cheating H know, it is you decision and there is know time limit EVER! Your H forfeited forever all by cheating. You may indeed seek R for now. But that is now. My WW know this, maybe she thinks she is she is safe due to her cheating being years ago. BUT. After being cheated on, the FAITHFUL SPOUSE has the right, the absolute right to pull the plug anytime they desire. I don't care if it's 1,5,20, years after DD. Oh, the WS has been the perfect spouse since DD. Faithful, concerned, loving... SO WHAT! 

You can't UN-CHEAT.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

RWB said:


> Props for the Doc on the "given our situation". I would let the burn just lay... no comment needed.
> 
> As far as what to do... You need to let your cheating H know, it is you decision and there is know time limit EVER! Your H forfeited forever all by cheating. You may indeed seek R for now. But that is now. My WW know this, maybe she thinks she is she is safe due to her cheating being years ago. BUT. After being cheated on, the FAITHFUL SPOUSE has the right, the absolute right to pull the plug anytime they desire. I don't care if it's 1,5,20, years after DD. Oh, the WS has been the perfect spouse since DD. Faithful, concerned, loving... SO WHAT!
> 
> You can't UN-CHEAT.


You are absolutely correct. I wish every single day that this never happened. The more things "return to normal" around the house, the more I realize that I want out. It's not even that he is not trying... it's just not enough. Nothing will ever be enough to make up for what he did. and I can't stop thinking about it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

adegirl2016 said:


> You are absolutely correct. I wish every single day that this never happened. The more things "return to normal" around the house, the more I realize that I want out. It's not even that he is not trying... it's just not enough. Nothing will ever be enough to make up for what he did. and I can't stop thinking about it.


Nothing will ever be the same again. It depends on whether you can both build the marriage again and make it work somehow. It depends on whether you want to. I have heard couples claim that their marriage is better than before, for me it would never be better because the trust and intimacy are gone, but some seem to make it work.


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## Justsayin4897 (Jan 22, 2016)

Hell yeah


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