# Men and "Compliments"



## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Lately I've noticed most men seem to have a habit of giving "interesting" compliments. 

Example: Went on a first date with a guy to a local sporting event. We had a great time and later that week went on a second date to a trendy restaurant. There the following exchange occurred: 

Date: When we first met, I immediately knew I was attracted to you.
Me: (teasing) And how'd you know that?
Date: Well, during the entire football game I was rock hard. 

Mind you, this was in a crowded but quiet restaurant. And he had a LOUD voice. At the time I wanted to die but now it makes me giggle. It's like there's no brain to mouth filter - have any of you ladies experienced this?


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Well, men do seem to be direct that way. Kind of refreshing, isn't it?


----------



## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

. Mmmmm I like a man to be direct.

Will you go on a third date?


----------



## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

I always thought my eyes were my best feature.. Men always say to me, "nice smile" Never thought much of it, but always wondered what it was about my smile.. 

My first husband, bless his heart.. said to me one day when we were dating.. "you have hooker lips" WHA?! 

Apparently, "hooker lips" are full, red lips that are sexy.. And, some other stuff.. we won't go there..

The really funny part is that I looked at him and said, then what does my sister have?!? (she has Angelina Jolie lips) and he said, "Porn star lips!" My sister and I still laugh about that to this day! 

Which, is hysterical, b/c I will NOT wear red lipstick, b/c it looks SO trashy on me (unless in the privacy of a bedroom  ) and my sister won't wear lipstick at all! 

But, hands down, oddest compliment(?) I've ever gotten.. BUT, now, when a man says to me, "nice smile" I snicker, b/c I think, no, you're thinking "nice hooker lips" :rofl:


----------



## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

The strangest compliment I ever got from a bloke was that I had a lovely singing voice.

Women do the random compliment thing you know.

I've been complimented on my eyelashes, lips... 

... _gigolo _lips?


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

bravenewworld said:


> Date: When we first met, I immediately knew I was attracted to you.
> Me: (teasing) And how'd you know that?
> Date: *Well, during the entire football game I was rock hard.*


Men are hilarious....anything is liable to fly out of their mouths! Dirty scoundrels..... though I'd see this as an opening to see how you'd respond, if he was going to get any that night... 

My husband would never never never talk to me like that when getting to know me, he wouldn't do anything to make me think he wanted sex over ...learning who I was... 

Though today, after many years of marriage... I'd love talk like that !


----------



## omgitselaine (Sep 5, 2013)

bravenewworld said:


> Lately I've noticed most men seem to have a habit of giving "interesting" compliments.
> 
> Example: Went on a first date with a guy to a local sporting event. We had a great time and later that week went on a second date to a trendy restaurant. There the following exchange occurred:
> 
> ...


Not sure if it was actually a compliment or not .... umm simply because aren't most men HARD when watching football  juust kidding but that's what i would've responded back to him haa ???


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

bravenewworld said:


> We had a great time and later that week went on a second date to a trendy restaurant. There the following exchange occurred:
> 
> Date: When we first met, I immediately knew I was attracted to you.
> Me: (teasing) And how'd you know that?
> Date: Well, during the entire football game I was rock hard.


I would have laughed and felt flattered. He probably felt very comfortable with you to share that. And he was probably putting out a feeler to see how you'd react. 

The most random compliment was from a stranger... a security guard who took my parking validation ticket as I was exiting a building after an appointment. He took the $3 in payment then said "you have really great skin". It was just so random and off the wall. :rofl:


----------



## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> I would have laughed and felt flattered. He probably felt very comfortable with you to share that. And he was probably putting out a feeler to see how you'd react.
> 
> The most random compliment was from a stranger... a security guard who took my parking validation ticket as I was exiting a building after an appointment. He took the $3 in payment then said "you have really great skin". It was just so random and off the wall. :rofl:


It was pretty funny - especially since he was eating a salad and said it as nonchalantly as "pass the pepper." 

That would make me feel so good if a total stranger noticed how nice my skin was! Well, unless it was in a "Silence of the Lambs" kind of way.


----------



## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

FizzBomb said:


> . Mmmmm I like a man to be direct.
> 
> Will you go on a third date?


We did go out for a couple of months but it just wasn't a match. The sex was great though! Guess if a guy can get "rock hard" from seeing you in an oversized puffy jacket and yoga pants there's decent physical chemistry. :smthumbup:

A few more funny ones I remembered from recent dating experiences:

Date #1: You're the type of girl I want to wake up next to in the morning. Not like some of those beasts I've slept with.

And this gem:

Date #2: Usually when I see nails done like yours, I think they are tacky as $hit. On you they look nice though.

Seriously guys - there's such a thing as too much honesty.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

bravenewworld said:


> We did go out for a couple of months but it just wasn't a match. The sex was great though! Guess if a guy can get "rock hard" from seeing you in an oversized puffy jacket and* yoga pants *there's decent physical chemistry. :smthumbup:
> 
> A few more funny ones I remembered from recent dating experiences:
> 
> ...


There's your answer...


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

bravenewworld said:


> A few more funny ones I remembered from recent dating experiences:
> 
> Date #1: You're the type of girl I want to wake up next to in the morning. Not like some of those beasts I've slept with.
> 
> ...


Lol, bravenewworld. I think you have a point!


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Yea yoga pants on a good looking woman are a blessing. He really couldn't help it.


----------



## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Hmmm all this time buying slinky dresses at department stores when I should have been stocking up on yoga pants from Old Navy!

I can't deny tight black yoga pants give lady butts an extra "oomph" but I always assumed they were a little too casual for dates. Perhaps I'm wrong? Do guys even care if we dress up? 

Starting to understand why there's always that one guy in the back of the room during yoga class....... :rofl:


----------



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> My husband would never never never talk to me like that when getting to know me, he wouldn't do anything to make me think he wanted sex over ...learning who I was...
> 
> Though today, after many years of marriage... I'd love talk like that !


I'm with him on that. I can't believe a date would continue after comments like these.


----------



## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

Perhaps it is an age appropriate thing, but on a second or third date I would be shocked if my date said something like that. It would have made me feel cheap and makes him look like he is just out for sex. Tacky and inappropriate would be my thought.

Yes, I can get my man hard by just walking across the room. He has confessed that all he needs is to think about me and he has an album of "shots" in his head of different moments with me or watching me that he can pull up and "view" at any time and will get a hard on. We talk very raunchy to one another now.

But, in the beginning he was a perfect gentleman. We got to know each other very well, although in a very short and intense time. We actually became inseparable the day following our 5 hour first coffee date. 

We didn't take it slow at all, but there was a respectfulness that I really appreciated. He says he was on his best behavior because he didn't want to screw it up, was afraid he would do something unforgivable in my eyes and he didn't want that to happen.

I personally don't think a guy telling you on a 2nd date that you gave him a hard on is very respectful. It would be cute perhaps much later after your in a relationship to admit that to you, but not blurt it out on a barstool. 

I'd throw this one back and be checking out the other fish in the sea.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

bravenewworld said:


> Date #1: You're the type of girl I want to wake up next to in the morning. Not like some of those beasts I've slept with.
> 
> And this gem:
> 
> ...


Isn't that one of the oldest tricks in the PUA's playbook, though? It's kind of an underhanded compliment that doesn't build you up TOO much, but lets you know they're interested.

It compliments and insults at the same time.

It's pretty much saying "you're good enough", and the idea is to get you to bring your A game next time and try to show the guy you're more than that, no?

I'm not a PUA, so I could be wrong!


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bravenewworld said:


> Lately I've noticed most men seem to have a habit of giving "interesting" compliments.
> 
> Example: Went on a first date with a guy to a local sporting event.
> 
> ...


I wouldn't call that "compliment" "interesting." If I was on a first date with a man and he said that to me, I would consider him completely tactless and brutish. I would not go out with him again. Totally un-gentlemanly. I liken this to the guys who wear shirts that say "Must Be This Tall to Ride" out in public.

No, thanks. I avoid that guy and would not want to be seen with him.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bravenewworld said:


> Date #1: You're the type of girl I want to wake up next to in the morning. Not like some of those beasts I've slept with.
> 
> And this gem:
> 
> Date #2: Usually when I see nails done like yours, I think they are tacky as $hit. On you they look nice though.


See, again, these would have been red flags for me. 

Date 1: I wouldn't go out with again because any man who slags the women eh's been with when we are JUST meeting eachother goes directly off my list. Especially if he is calling them "beasts" yet he went to bed with them and is now publicizing it. Yuck. 

Date 2: "tacky as sh!t" - again, no tact. This is the kind of guy who comes across as arrogant to me and does not get me excited. It turns me off.



Sun Catcher said:


> Perhaps it is an age appropriate thing, but on a second or third date I would be shocked if my date said something like that. It would have made me feel cheap and makes him look like he is just out for sex. Tacky and inappropriate would be my thought.
> 
> But, in the beginning he was a perfect gentleman.
> 
> ...


This is how I feel, too. I like a man who courts me and doesn't talk to me like I am some bimbo or some run of the mill chick he met or is talking smack about women. Major turn off. 

There is honesty and there is inappropriateness. There is class and there is trash. These guys, I would put them in the trash bin. And I also would call them out on how inappropriate they were.



alexm said:


> Isn't that one of the oldest tricks in the PUA's playbook, though? It's kind of an underhanded compliment that doesn't build you up TOO much, but lets you know they're interested.
> 
> It compliments and insults at the same time.
> 
> It's pretty much saying "you're good enough", *and the idea is to get you to bring your A game next time and try to show the guy you're more than that, no?*


If a guy is operating from that POV, I would never go out with him. When you are dating someone, you should treat them kindly as as you want them to treat you. Any guy who has to "game" and "insult" you so that YOU (haha) will bring YOUR A-game "the next time" is a fckin idiot, in my opinion. 

I would be like, "Check, please," grab my purse and walk away. Number deleted. 

Bye.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

alexm said:


> Isn't that one of the oldest tricks in the PUA's playbook, though? It's kind of an underhanded compliment that doesn't build you up TOO much, but lets you know they're interested.


You're right that it works. It's called a "neg."

The basic premise is that beautiful women get compliments thrown at them constantly. And compliments like "nice hair," or "nice smile," are just meaningless white noise to these women. They hardly notice them.

So, a man can give them a compliment that they will notice, like complimenting nails that are sometimes tacky, but she can pull off. She very likely hasn't heard that one before.

Also, it makes the man look a little better because he's not fawning over the woman, like she's used to. Most beautiful women appreciate a bit of a challenge in dating.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

alexm said:


> Isn't that one of the oldest tricks in the PUA's playbook, though? It's kind of an underhanded compliment that doesn't build you up TOO much, but lets you know they're interested.
> 
> It compliments and insults at the same time.
> 
> ...


Yep. It's called a "neg".


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Any guy who has to "game" and "insult" you so that YOU (haha) will bring YOUR A-game "the next time" is a fckin idiot, in my opinion.


So, men should bring their A-game, but women shouldn't be bothered? When you date, do you shave your legs and armpits, wear makeup, high heels, and flattering clothes, knowing that these items simply appeal to most men's sexual preferences? Should we deride women who try to appeal to men's preferences as fckin idiots? Or should we only deride men who try to appeal to women?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> So*, men should bring their A-game, but women shouldn't be bothered?* When you date, do you shave your legs and armpits, wear makeup, high heels, and flattering clothes, knowing that these items simply appeal to most men's sexual preferences? Should we deride women who try to appeal to men's preferences as fckin idiots? Or should we only deride men who try to appeal to women?


Nope. That is not how I meant it. I meant that any guy who thinks he has to GAME a woman, insult her, be rude and put her through hoops just so that she can "prove" to him operates from a POV that I have zero interest in. 

You went off on an tangent about make up and whatnot and that was not the point I am getting at all.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Nope. That is not how I meant it. I meant that any guy who thinks he has to GAME a woman, insult her, be rude and put her through hoops just so that she can "prove" to him operates from a POV that I have zero interest in.
> 
> You went off on an tangent about make up and whatnot and that was not the point I am getting at all.


I'm talking about appealing to the opposite sex. That's all game is. I was giving an example of how women appeal to the opposite sex.

If showing up for a first date with a box of candy and a dozen roses increased a man's chances of getting laid with most attractive women, that's exactly what PUAs would advise men to do. But it doesn't. Most attractive women would view a gesture like that as creepy and pathetic.

Similarly, a woman wearing frumpy sweat pants with no makeup and hairy pits wouldn't get much attention from attractive men. In order to appeal to attractive men, women wear heels, makeup, sexy clothes, and so on. That's girl game.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Most people like to "appeal" to the opposite sex (or same, if you are of the gay persuasion) by actually looking decent on their date with them. That is pretty standard. Looking presentable is one thing, insulting someone and being rude and saying rude things to someone is quite another. 

And I'd say the same thing about women, too. If a woman thinks she has to treat a man like sh!t and be rude to him, insult him and make him jump through hoops just so he can "try harder" the next time he sees her, I'd say throw that one back in the lake. 

Games are silly, IMO.

Some people may get off on this, but I am not one of them. A man like this would not get me wet. He would turn me off.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

bravenewworld said:


> Hmmm all this time buying slinky dresses at department stores when I should have been stocking up on yoga pants from Old Navy!
> 
> I* can't deny tight black yoga pants give lady butts an extra "oomph"* but I always assumed they were a little too casual for dates. Perhaps I'm wrong? Do guys even care if we dress up?
> 
> Starting to understand why there's always that one guy in the back of the room during yoga class....... :rofl:


And hips, and thighs, and calves, and waist...

I am so glad so many women remain clueless about just what yoga pants do to men...


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

bravenewworld said:


> Hmmm all this time buying slinky dresses at department stores when I should have been stocking up on yoga pants from Old Navy!
> 
> I can't deny tight black yoga pants give lady butts an extra "oomph" but I always assumed they were a little too casual for dates. Perhaps I'm wrong? *Do guys even care if we dress up?*
> 
> Starting to understand why there's always that one guy in the back of the room during yoga class....... :rofl:


Yup we do actually like it when women dress up. And I have to give women credit for being really really good at looking good. Unassuming sexy goes a long way too though. When it looks like you're trying not look sexy but you JUST CAN'T HELP IT. Think men's t-shirt and bedroom eyes.
- yoga pants if you're built cute or hot. 
- pony tail especially with a cute little baseball cap can be awesome.

FYI, elegance is appreciated by other women but not so much by men. For example a long dress with hair in a bun is not something we're nuts about.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Thundarr said:


> Yup we do actually like it when women dress up. *And I have to give women credit for being really really good at looking good*.


Haha. Awesome! :smthumbup:


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> If a guy is operating from that POV, I would never go out with him. When you are dating someone, you should treat them kindly as as you want them to treat you. Any guy who has to "game" and "insult" you so that YOU (haha) will bring YOUR A-game "the next time" is a fckin idiot, in my opinion.
> 
> I would be like, "Check, please," grab my purse and walk away. Number deleted.
> 
> Bye.


:iagree:. 

Honestly, if that's the guy at his best, time to get out of there. Fast!


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Most people like to "appeal" to the opposite sex (or same, if you are of the gay persuasion) by actually looking decent on their date with them. That is pretty standard. Looking presentable is one thing, insulting someone and being rude and saying rude things to someone is quite another.
> 
> And I'd say the same thing about women, too. If a woman thinks she has to treat a man like sh!t and be rude to him, insult him and make him jump through hoops just so he can "try harder" the next time he sees her, I'd say throw that one back in the lake.
> 
> ...


I think it depends on one's definition of games. Personally, I would consider a woman appealing to a man's preference for full lips, flawless skin, large eyes, an hourglass figure, long hair, and full breasts by wearing lipstick, makeup, mascara, eyeliner, Spanx, clothing that accentuates her waist/hip ratio, hair extensions, and pushup/padded bras to be at least as guilty of playing games as a man delivering backhanded compliments in a way that appeals to a woman's preferences.

In truth, I don't really see either as playing games. Or, if you would rather, I see the entire process of seduction as a game that one plays, even if one denies it. I don't think there's really any difference in those statements.

And I certainly never meant to imply that all women, or you, in particular, enjoy backhanded compliments from men. Seduction, like most things, requires generalities. Most attractive women respond positively to negs. That's the only reason PUAs use them. They're playing the odds.

If a man wants to appeal to most attractive women, I certainly wouldn't advise him to use an ineffective method, just so he can claim the moral high ground of not stooping to appeal to women's preferences. I don't think there's anything immoral in appealing to the preferences of either sex.


----------



## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Shaving/waxing/make up (and cosmetic things men and women do to make themselves more attractive) is attempting to make themselves more attractive. Negging is attempting to lower someones self esteem so they are a little more vulnerable at the time and will be more likely to comply with the negger (pretty much a mild version of what a verbally and emotionally abusive person does).
One is building themselves up, the other is dragging their 'targets' self esteem down.
While knocking someone's confidence does work (negging,b*tching ect) I definitely will be telling my daughter about people who try to play mind games when she's older.


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> I think it depends on one's definition of games. Personally, I would consider a woman appealing to a man's preference for full lips, flawless skin, large eyes, an hourglass figure, long hair, and full breasts by wearing lipstick, makeup, mascara, eyeliner, Spanx, clothing that accentuates her waist/hip ratio, hair extensions, and pushup/padded bras to be at least as guilty of playing games as a man delivering backhanded compliments in a way that appeals to a woman's preferences.


At least women are actually correct about what makes guys happy. Men, on the other hand?

Well let me just say that I no longer wonder why so many of them end up married to women who make them miserable.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

always_alone said:


> :iagree:.
> 
> Honestly, if that's the guy at his best, time to get out of there. Fast!


Right?! :rofl: 



PHTlump said:


> I think it depends on one's definition of games. Personally, I would consider a woman appealing to a man's preference for full lips, flawless skin, large eyes, an hourglass figure, long hair, and full breasts by wearing lipstick, makeup, mascara, eyeliner, Spanx, clothing that accentuates her waist/hip ratio, hair extensions, and pushup/padded bras to be at least* as guilty of playing games *as a man delivering backhanded compliments in a way that appeals to a woman's preferences.


Then you and I do not agree. And that's ok. Because I don't equate dressing nicely and getting ready/looking good for a date to someone giving "underhanded" and insulting compliments. To me, they are not one in the same. They are totally different things. The "woman's preferences" you mentioned do not appeal to me at all. It's not a preference of mine to be spoken to in that manner.



TiggyBlue said:


> Shaving/waxing/make up (and cosmetic things men and women do to make themselves more attractive) is attempting to make themselves more attractive. *Negging is attempting to lower someones self esteem *so they are a little more vulnerable at the time and will be more likely to comply with the negger (*pretty much a mild version of what a verbally and emotionally abusive person does*).
> One is building themselves up, the other is dragging their 'targets' self esteem down.
> While knocking someone's confidence does work (negging,b*tching ect) I definitely will be telling my daughter about people who try to play mind games when she's older.


I so agree. Would any man tell his daughter to keep going out with a man who tries to lower her self-esteem and speaks ill to her so that she can "try harder" for him the next time? I think not. My dad would have told me to tell that loser to GTFO of here with that. 

And again, this isn't gender-specific. I would never advise any guy to go out again with a woman who was speaking to him in a disrespectful manner. Why should he waste his time on someone who can't even treat him with basic human decency? Especially on a date!


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

TiggyBlue said:


> Shaving/waxing/make up (and cosmetic things men and women do to make themselves more attractive) is attempting to make themselves more attractive. Negging is attempting to lower someones self esteem so they are a little more vulnerable at the time and will be more likely to comply with the negger (pretty much a mild version of what a verbally and emotionally abusive person does).
> One is building themselves up, the other is dragging their 'targets' self esteem down.
> While knocking someone's confidence does work (negging,b*tching ect) I definitely will be telling my daughter about people who try to play mind games when she's older.


I agree that it works. I just disagree that it's immoral. Most attractive women appreciate a man that can tease them, or even dominate them. Many women on these boards even laud their husbands as strong men who can "put them in their place."

So, creating that kind of vibe from the onset, rather than being the thirty-seventh man to compliment her smile, will be an effective strategy for attracting beautiful women.

Now, I do think that women should be aware of the dynamic. If a women either has a natural attraction for Nice Guys, or simply intends to override her nature with a conscious decision to date a Nice Guy, I support her decision. And there will never be a shortage of Nice Guys for those women.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

always_alone said:


> At least women are actually correct about what makes guys happy. Men, on the other hand?
> 
> Well let me just say that I no longer wonder why so many of them end up married to women who make them miserable.


So, when evaluating strategies for dating, men should ignore the results of those strategies? Because many of those PUAs are getting laid like tile.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> So, when evaluating strategies for dating, men should ignore the results of those strategies? Because many of those PUAs are getting laid like tile.


I think there's a difference between what works to get a guy laid by a hot woman he doesn't care to ever see again, and what works when approaching a woman for a real relationship. Just want sex with a random hot girl? Negging is probably a pretty safe bet. Just want a flirtatious evening with me with no chance of anything more or of us even leaving this bar together? Fine, negging can be funny and even fun in an outrageous fashion. 

But if you asked me out on a date and want to see me again after tonight? Don't be an asshat.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> The "woman's preferences" you mentioned do not appeal to me at all. It's not a preference of mine to be spoken to in that manner.


That's fine. Individual preferences happen. But it's foolish to use your own individual preferences to insist that other woman have the same preferences, or should have.

Imagine we were discussing ice cream flavors. The most popular flavor of ice cream, based on sales, is vanilla. If your favorite flavor were chocolate, would you object to the preferences of other people for vanilla? Or would you simply acknowledge that you prefer a different flavor from the most popular flavor?



> I so agree. Would any man tell his daughter to keep going out with a man who tries to lower her self-esteem and speaks ill to her so that she can "try harder" for him the next time? I think not.


You think wrong. As a father of a daughter, it would entirely depend on the man's motivations.

If a man were only interested in my daughter for a one-night stand, then I wouldn't care if he were negging her, or putting her on a pedestal. That guy is bad news, in my book.

However, if a good man wanted a Christian marriage with my daughter, then I would support whatever methods he uses to make her happy in that framework. Negs included.



> And again, this isn't gender-specific. I would never advise any guy to go out again with a women who was speaking to him in a disrespectful manner. Why should he waste his time on someone who can't even treat him with basic human decency? Especially on a date!


I think you need to recognize that men and women have different preferences. For example, men tend to like breasts and vaginas in their sex partners. Women, not so much. Similarly, men tend to like demure, submissive women. Women tend to like assertive, domineering men.

So, a woman who is indifferent and uses backhanded compliments wouldn't get as positive a reaction from men as a man doing so would with women. It's just biology.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Rowan said:


> I think there's a difference between what works to get a guy laid by a hot woman he doesn't care to ever see again, and what works when approaching a woman for a real relationship.
> 
> But if you asked me out on a date and want to see me again after tonight? Don't be an asshat.


:iagree:


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Rowan said:


> I think there's a difference between what works to get a guy laid by a hot woman he doesn't care to ever see again, and what works when approaching a woman for a real relationship. Just want sex with a random hot girl? Negging is probably a pretty safe bet. Just want a flirtatious evening with me with no chance of anything more or of us even leaving this bar together? Fine, negging can be funny and even fun in an outrageous fashion.
> 
> But if you asked me out on a date and want to see me again after tonight? Don't be an asshat.


Sure. Strategies should be adjusted for different environments. A potential one-night stand might enjoy the prospect of stealing you away from another woman. A wife wouldn't really be intrigued if you walked in the door with a bimbo on your arm. At least, not in a good way.

But attractive qualities don't just switch on and off. If you're a woman who likes some fun and flirtatious negging while you're single, I doubt if putting on a wedding ring is going to switch that off. I would think that you would want your husband to use some fun and flirtatious negging on you from time to time.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> Sure. Strategies should be adjusted for different environments. A potential one-night stand might enjoy the prospect of stealing you away from another woman. A wife wouldn't really be intrigued if you walked in the door with a bimbo on your arm. At least, not in a good way.
> 
> But attractive qualities don't just switch on and off. If you're a woman who likes some fun and flirtatious negging while you're single, I doubt if putting on a wedding ring is going to switch that off. I would think that you would want your husband to use some fun and flirtatious negging on you from time to time.


Actually, no. I spent 16 years married to a man who was a master at negging. When your spouse does this to you, as a default means of relating, eventually it just chips away at your self-esteem. I enjoy compliments. I do not enjoy compliments that are designed to "take me down a notch" from someone who should have no vested interest in demeaning me in even a "fun" way. That's just not my preference in inter-personal relationships. 

So, while I can see this behavior as outrageously amusing from a stranger, it holds zero appeal to me from a potential partner. I'm a woman. If I want to feel bad about myself, I'll go swimsuit shopping or spend the afternoon cruising Abercrombie & Fitch. I certainly don't need my mate to give me backhand compliments.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I've been working on KHA (keep her artist) techniques for a while now. Seem to be pretty good at it.


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> I've been working on KHA (keep her artist) techniques for a while now. Seem to be pretty good at it.



Tell us, do you find that this involves "negging" or undermining her constantly because "most women love to be treated this way"?

Or do you think you'd have more success with genuine compliments, and perhaps even the occasional box of chocolates or flowers?


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> So, when evaluating strategies for dating, men should ignore the results of those strategies? Because many of those PUAs are getting laid like tile.


Uh huh. Or so they would like you to believe -- because, you know, men never exaggerate about their conquests to make themselves appear studly.

And yes, I'm sure undermining women works on some. But if that's your game, don't come complaining later about how your wife has no self-esteem, or seems to resent you, or cheats on you, or doesn't ever want to have sex with you, or just uses you for your wallet.

Because the reasons why are completely obvious.


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> I think you need to recognize that men and women have different preferences. For example, men tend to like breasts and vaginas in their sex partners. Women, not so much. Similarly, men tend to like demure, submissive women. Women tend to like assertive, domineering men.
> 
> So, a woman who is indifferent and uses backhanded compliments wouldn't get as positive a reaction from men as a man doing so would with women. It's just biology.


Ugh. So you're quite happy to see your daughter dominated and negged because that's biology?

It's difficult to know where to begin exactly, but 

1.it has nothing to do with biology, and everything to do with your cultural stereotypes 

2. even if a woman does like a strong, assertive man, it doesn't follow from this that she wants to be undermined by him constantly.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

always_alone said:


> Uh huh. Or so they would like you to believe -- because, you know, men never exaggerate about their conquests to make themselves appear studly.


So, PUAs who claim to have sex are lying. Are the Nice Guys who complain about women ignoring them also lying?



> And yes, I'm sure undermining women works on some. But if that's your game, don't come complaining later about how your wife has no self-esteem, or seems to resent you, or cheats on you, or doesn't ever want to have sex with you, or just uses you for your wallet.
> 
> Because the reasons why are completely obvious.


Gotcha. So, effective seduction is a valid excuse to mistreat one's husband later. I knew it wouldn't be as simple as a woman behaving badly of her own free will. That's just too obvious.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Sun Catcher said:


> Perhaps it is an age appropriate thing, but on a second or third date I would be shocked if my date said something like that. It would have made me feel cheap and makes him look like he is just out for sex. Tacky and inappropriate would be my thought.
> 
> Yes, I can get my man hard by just walking across the room. He has confessed that all he needs is to think about me and he has an album of "shots" in his head of different moments with me or watching me that he can pull up and "view" at any time and will get a hard on. We talk very raunchy to one another now.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

And I think it's extremely tacky. It sounds kinda high school behaviour to me.
There is another subtle , more interesting way to say the same thing , without making the woman feel like she's selling something cheap.
It's called " _double entendre_."


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

always_alone said:


> Ugh. So you're quite happy to see your daughter dominated and negged because that's biology?


I want to see my daughter happy. I'm unwilling to sacrifice my child's happiness on the altar of misandry just so womyn's studies devotees will compliment me for how forward-thinking and respectful of womyn I am.

Now, if my daughter convinces me that being a bitter misandrist who denies reality and blames men for all of the problems of womynkind is what makes her truly happy, then I will buy her a "You go, girl" shirt and celebrate her happiness.



> It's difficult to know where to begin exactly, but
> 
> 1.it has nothing to do with biology, and everything to do with your cultural stereotypes


Don't tell me. You need to tell the millions of women who behave contrary to the way you want them to. I'm just a guy who acknowledges reality.



> 2. even if a woman does like a strong, assertive man, it doesn't follow from this that she wants to be undermined by him constantly.


Negging isn't about constantly undermining someone. Negging is giving a compliment that is slightly backhanded. It's demonstrating a teasing, slightly indifferent attitude toward a woman. It's about distinguishing oneself from the crowd of Nice Guy admirers who can't get the time of day from a beautiful woman. And even proper negging isn't effective if it's done constantly. It's a tool that is sometimes used.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> :iagree:
> 
> And I think it's extremely tacky. It sounds kinda high school behaviour to me.
> There is another subtle , interesting way to say the same thing , without making the woman feel like she's selling something cheap.


You sound like an upstanding man, Caribbean. 

To me there are the kind of men who like to play games. These are not men who interest me. And then there are men who are of their word and do not get pleasure out of making a woman fall all over herself for them or their ego, men who believe in treating a woman respectfully. You sound like the latter. 

Your wife is probably very happy.

:smthumbup:


----------



## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Wow this got a bit more heated than I thought it would. I get these aren't really "compliments" (hence the quote in the subject title) so much as boorish/crude/immature behavior. 

It didn't make me feel disrespected/cheap because "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent" as a great lady Eleanor Roosevelt once said. Obviously I'm not going to let one guy's crude comment on a date affect my sense of self worth. 

Maybe I'm crude or a boor myself because I thought it was kind of funny. Every date doesn't have to be a quest for prince charming and sometimes you just have to laugh about the whole process in general. It's kind of silly. 

The guys weren't right for me but going out with them was fun. I respect myself immensely but I don't take myself very seriously. It's kind of hard to get me to clutch my pearls and whisper, "Oh the horror!"


----------



## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> Negging isn't about constantly undermining someone. Negging is giving a compliment that is slightly backhanded. It's demonstrating a teasing, slightly indifferent attitude toward a woman. It's about distinguishing oneself from the crowd of Nice Guy admirers who can't get the time of day from a beautiful woman. And even proper negging isn't effective if it's done constantly. It's a tool that is sometimes used.


The psychology behind negging is to lower someone's confidence and self esteem so they are more vulnerable to your advances, it's to play on someone's insecurities. It's a tool used in a lot of situations it just isn't called 'negging'. It has nothing to so with biology.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bravenewworld said:


> Wow this got a bit more heated than I thought it would.


Yeah the conversation sort of morphed into something else. Sorry we hi-jacked your thread. LOL.


----------



## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Yeah the conversation sort of morphed into something else. Sorry we hi-jacked your thread. LOL.


It's totally ok I was just surprised LOL! I always enjoy conversation that zigs and zags, keeps life exciting!


----------



## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Ok after catching up on all this I am definitely guilty of "negging" guys but I'd like to think I do it in a playful, flirty way as opposed to pointing out genuine flaws. Although there was that one time a guy asked me if I noticed his bald spot and I said, "which one?" That did not go over well! 

I don't mind being teased on a date but not in a way that is hurtful or done with malice. A lot of how I interpret the comment has to do with the tone used. Last week a guy in a bar told me he loved my long wavy hair - if I dyed it a different color. Comment was lame BUT the worst part was the arrogant/sour puss way he said it. Then he told me to buy him a drink! To which I responded "Wow, this just keeps getting worse and worse. Shouldn't you be checking in with your parole officer?"


----------



## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I used to go to bars, look around, hanging out with my friends. I would spy the loveliest woman (in my opinion) in the bar, and just before I was about to leave, walk up to her and say "I just had to say, before I leave, that you are without a doubt the prettiest woman here." Then I would leave. 

If I didn't leave, the compliment wouldn't be sincere!

Several times, the gal's face would light up and ask me to stay, but I never did.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

doubletrouble said:


> I used to go to bars, look around, hanging out with my friends. I would spy the loveliest woman (in my opinion) in the bar, and just before I was about to leave, walk up to her and say "I just had to say, before I leave, that you are without a doubt the prettiest woman here." Then I would leave.
> 
> If I didn't leave, the compliment wouldn't be sincere!
> 
> Several times, the gal's face would light up and ask me to stay, but I never did.


Hehe. LOVE this. You pulled a Keyzer Soze on them... 

"And like that... he's gone." 

You definitely made those ladies' nights. Promise.

Bravenew--that is so funny about you telling them it just got WORSE and WORSE/where was their parole officer? Hahaha.


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> Gotcha. So, effective seduction is a valid excuse to mistreat one's husband later. I knew it wouldn't be as simple as a woman behaving badly of her own free will. That's just too obvious.


Effective seduction? 

Point is that women who actually fall for such techniques are much more likely to have problems with self-esteem and need for male validation, which often translates to other behaviours that men find less attractive than being submissive and willing to put up with stupid insults.



PHTlump said:


> I'm just a guy who acknowledges reality.


Ah, if only! Then you might acknowledge the millions of women who want equality and respect, and who are fighting for this all over the world. Women who just want to be treated well, and who will treat others well too.

But I know you can't stand all that feminazi stuff about women being persons.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

always_alone said:


> Effective seduction?


Your example was a man negging his wife. I assumed that his marriage to his wife was a result of effective seduction. If you were assuming some sort of marriage that was the result of ineffective seduction, you should clearly state such.



> Point is that women who actually fall for such techniques are much more likely to have problems with self-esteem and need for male validation, which often translates to other behaviours that men find less attractive than being submissive and willing to put up with stupid insults.


The studies that have linked temporary lowering of self-esteem with increased receptivity to seduction haven't made any of the conclusions you have. I see no reason to assume that women who think differently than you do, assuming you are honestly reporting your preferences, are broken.



> Ah, if only! Then you might acknowledge the millions of women who want equality and respect, and who are fighting for this all over the world. Women who just want to be treated well, and who will treat others well too.


Sure many women say that want equality, respect, and lots of over things. But I'm not talking about what women say and believe. I'm talking about the men that these women choose to sleep with. I'm acknowledging that women respond positively to men who tease them, neg them, and generally refrain from putting them on pedestals. That is the reality that you can't acknowledge.



> But I know you can't stand all that feminazi stuff about women being persons.


To the contrary. I obviously have a much higher opinion of women than you do. I think that women are intelligent and important. I think women are so valuable that they shouldn't be sacrificed on the altar of misandry.

I don't think we should encourage women to blow up their lives, and the lives of their husbands and children, just so we can print up some pithy bumper stickers about fish and bicycles. But, I value results over ideology.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

always_alone said:


> Tell us, do you find that this involves "negging" or undermining her constantly because "most women love to be treated this way"?
> 
> Or do you think you'd have more success with genuine compliments, and perhaps even the occasional box of chocolates or flowers?


To be honest had I negged someone and it actually worked then I think it would have felt creepy.

I'm forty five and married for two decades so I barely remember the dating game. I do know I never intentionally negged anyone though. Then again maybe a "take it or leave it" attitude had the same affect. Seems like that's how to lift yourself up rather than pull someone else down.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

bravenewworld said:


> Maybe I'm crude or a boor myself because I thought it was kind of funny. Every date doesn't have to be a quest for prince charming and sometimes you just have to laugh about the whole process in general. It's kind of silly.


Could just be you guys had sexual chemistry. He knew that you knew he had been checking you out anyway.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

bravenewworld said:


> Wow this got a bit more heated than I thought it would. I get these aren't really "compliments" (hence the quote in the subject title) so much as boorish/crude/immature behavior.
> 
> *It didn't make me feel disrespected/cheap because "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent" as a great lady Eleanor Roosevelt once said. Obviously I'm not going to let one guy's crude comment on a date affect my sense of self worth.
> 
> ...


Even though I PREFER the Gentleman type myself..... I would view this out of similar eyes as yourself in this post.... because I prefer people to just be their RAW crazy selves....and feel that comfort.... it's going to come out eventually anyway... if you kept seeing him.... and really saying something like that - just like a man using a coupon on a date.. opens up an area of "bantering" in my opinion... I'd have a little FUN with it.. no doubt....

However...depending on how he deals with my GAMING. I think I'd know what he was really after by the end of the night.. And if that was just me taking him to pleasure town...while he's relatively incapable of carrying on a meaningful intelligent conversation of sorts.. I would have to throw that fish back.


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> To be honest had I negged someone and it actually worked then I think it would have felt creepy.
> 
> I'm forty five and married for two decades so I barely remember the dating game. I do know I never intentionally negged anyone though. Then again maybe a "take it or leave it" attitude had the same affect. Seems like that's how to lift yourself up rather than pull someone else down.


I was actually asking about your KHA -- Keep Her Artistry -- rather than your dating strategy. Ultimately, I think it's more interesting --and challenging.

But I'm glad to hear you've always been into the pick yourself up school, rather than the put her down one. Are you nice, too?

I'm betting so.


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> because I prefer people to just be their RAW crazy selves....and feel that comfort.... it's going to come out eventually anyway...


A very good point! Better to know sooner, rather than later. I too would rather someone reveal their true colours right away, and not hide behind false pleasantries.

I'd still throw that fish back, though


----------



## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Even though I PREFER the Gentleman type myself..... I would view this out of similar eyes as yourself in this post.... because I prefer people to just be their RAW crazy selves....and feel that comfort.... it's going to come out eventually anyway... if you kept seeing him.... and really saying something like that - just like a man using a coupon on a date.. opens up an area of "bantering" in my opinion... I'd have a little FUN with it.. no doubt....
> 
> However...depending on how he deals with my GAMING. I think I'd know what he was really after by the end of the night.. And if that was just me taking him to pleasure town...while he's relatively incapable of carrying on a meaningful intelligent conversation of sorts.. I would have to throw that fish back.


Exactly! As long as they don't set off my creep meter I'm game to banter and get to know them. Doesn't mean I'll see them again but I'd like someone to give me a chance even if I said something they found off-putting or a bit strange. 

Funny thing about Mr. Rock Hard was he was a complete gentleman in regards to opening the car door, offering me his coat when it was cold, picking up the tab always, etc. but he was a bit cheeky in other regards, obviously. We had strong physical chemistry too which I think can make us all overlook a few flaws. 

If negging is done in a rude way or deliberately focuses on a person's insecurity I am not a fan. But if it's done with a bit of silliness and flattery I think it can be fun. Like if a guy made fun of me for needing to lose weight - nope. Bye bye. But if he joked around about my outfit being a loud color or something (which it probably would be, I dress for fun!) that's fine.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

always_alone said:


> I was actually asking about your KHA -- Keep Her Artistry -- rather than your dating strategy. Ultimately, I think it's more interesting --and challenging.
> 
> But I'm glad to hear you've always been into the pick yourself up school, rather than the put her down one. Are you nice, too?
> 
> I'm betting so.


I probably just got lucky because she makes it easy. I think she knows I'd be fine without her but I'm better with her (way better with her). Even when I pick at her, she knows it's good fun. She has my respect. But yes I'm nice accept for when I'm a jackass. I hate it when I'm a jackass.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

bravenewworld said:


> If negging is done in a rude way or deliberately focuses on a person's insecurity I am not a fan. But if it's done with a bit of silliness and flattery I think it can be fun. Like if a guy made fun of me for needing to lose weight - nope. Bye bye. But if he joked around about my outfit being a loud color or something (which it probably would be, I dress for fun!) that's fine.


Well your avatar is a little "Pirates of the Carribean" BNW.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Sun Catcher said:


> Perhaps it is an age appropriate thing, but on a second or third date I would be shocked if my date said something like that. It would have made me feel cheap and makes him look like he is just out for sex. Tacky and inappropriate would be my thought.


It wouldn't be my style either. 

A funny admission later down the track? Sure, that I get.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

bravenewworld said:


> It's kind of hard to get me to clutch my pearls and whisper, "Oh the horror!"


heheh.


While that wouldn't be my style for a second date, I think it may depend on your interactions before that too. Any chance that influenced it?


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Even though I PREFER the Gentleman type myself..... I would view this out of similar eyes as yourself in this post.... because I prefer people to just be their RAW crazy selves....and feel that comfort.... it's going to come out eventually anyway... if you kept seeing him.... and really saying something like that - just like a man using a coupon on a date.. opens up an area of "bantering" in my opinion... I'd have a little FUN with it.. no doubt....


In a parallel universe, that comment would likely incite a feisty response/banter from me - but I still wouldn't be interested.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

doubletrouble said:


> I used to go to bars, look around, hanging out with my friends. I would spy the loveliest woman (in my opinion) in the bar, and just before I was about to leave, walk up to her and say "I just had to say, before I leave, that you are without a doubt the prettiest woman here." Then I would leave.
> 
> If I didn't leave, the compliment wouldn't be sincere!
> 
> Several times, the gal's face would light up and ask me to stay, but I never did.


At a work function years ago, a guy came over to me and said, "You are the most confident woman here. You have your own style. Always keep that about you." Then just walked away. It took me by surprise. I was left a little confused lol. There was nothing more to it than just that comment - which strangely, I do remember.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> You sound like an upstanding man, Caribbean.
> 
> To me there are the kind of men who like to play games. These are not men who interest me. And then there are men who are of their word and do not get pleasure out of making a woman fall all over herself for them or their ego, men who believe in treating a woman respectfully. You sound like the latter.
> 
> ...


Thanks Jellybeans!

" _Ella es una buena mujer_..."<---[ I know my Spanish is horrible!]

Lol, but we're both very happy with each other. I'm thankful for that.


----------



## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> Well your avatar is a little "Pirates of the Carribean" BNW.


Today I wore a huge sparkly pelican ring along with a really bright island print dress. One of my friends commented "Bravenewworld dresses like a demented Florida retiree."

Strangely, I found that to be a compliment.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> Well your avatar is a little "Pirates of the Carribean" BNW.





bravenewworld said:


> Today I wore a huge sparkly pelican ring along with a really bright island print dress. One of my friends commented "Bravenewworld dresses like a demented Florida retiree."
> 
> Strangely, I found that to be a compliment.


I suck at negging. It wasn't even noticed.

demented Florida retiree lol. You're friend doesn't know fashion sense when he/she sees it huh .


----------



## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> I suck at negging. It wasn't even noticed.


Negging? And here I thought it was a compliment!


----------



## lisad45 (Feb 21, 2014)

bravenewworld said:


> Lately I've noticed most men seem to have a habit of giving "interesting" compliments.
> 
> Example: Went on a first date with a guy to a local sporting event. We had a great time and later that week went on a second date to a trendy restaurant. There the following exchange occurred:
> 
> ...


Wow! I don't know how I would've responded to that lol

Compliments are always nice! I often get compliments at work, but nothing too crazy. lol


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

bravenewworld said:


> Lately I've noticed most men seem to have a habit of giving "interesting" compliments.
> 
> Example: Went on a first date with a guy to a local sporting event. We had a great time and later that week went on a second date to a trendy restaurant. There the following exchange occurred:
> 
> ...




It has been my experience that women take as much offense to a compliment as they WANT to take. The benefit of the doubt is for guys they are attracted to.

For all others, 'hello' said the wrong way can be construed as a sleazy come on.


----------

