# does the "fairy tale" really exist?



## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

Maybe its just me or our culture, but I always thought I'd find the love of my life by age 32 or whatever, we'd have a beautiful wedding, buy a nice house, have a couple kids, pets, all kinds of friends to have dinners with, vacations...the dream life. Mainly finding the love of my life, feeling madly in love and sexual with each other, having kids. But now I'm 35 and have been in a relationship with a man I always feel on the fence about, he already has 3 kids so I don't feel like making it a fourth...I feel like I've past my prime for finding the "fairy tale" and I barely even care anymore. It's like I've given up. But fire this fairy tale even exist? What do you think?
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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

Oops, *DOES this fairy tale even exist?
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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

And how common do you think it actually is, if it does exist?
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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

*Re: Re: does the "fairy tale" really exist?*



animal 2011 said:


> Maybe its just me or our culture, but I always thought I'd find the love of my life by age 32 or whatever, we'd have a beautiful wedding, buy a nice house, have a couple kids, pets, all kinds of friends to have dinners with, vacations...the dream life. Mainly finding the love of my life, feeling madly in love and sexual with each other, having kids. But now I'm 35 and have been in a relationship with a man I always feel on the fence about, he already has 3 kids so I don't feel like making it a fourth...I feel like I've past my prime for finding the "fairy tale" and I barely even care anymore. It's like I've given up. But fire this fairy tale even exist? What do you think?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It only exists if you live in fantasy land. I think it more likely depends heavily on people's past experiences as to what they bring into the relationship. Childhood and other relationships always have a downstream affect. There's that and just personality that plays into your percentage of "making it".


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

I am in my second marriage and feel my life is like a fairy tale. I am with a man who has made me the center of his life and I am showered with attention and affection. I have a stepson and I met him when I was 42. Love is better later in life after one knows who they are and what they want. We both have a lot of baggage, but we couldn't be happier. The most important ingredient of the fairy tale is having a man you are head over heels for who you couldn't imagine your life without who you look forward to every minute that you spend together. 

Started out marrying my highschool sweetheart, had two kids, had a beautiful house in the country and also a cabin, but I was married to a passive-aggressive man who barely spoke to me. Having the right partner is what makes or breaks the fairy tale.

If you are not married to this guy it is time to move on. Never too late to find your soulmate.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's difficult to be happy with a "not forever" person. And when you marry young, as I did, the odds are not great that you will pick someone you will be happy with forever. 

All the material possessions, and lavish vacations, in the world didn't make up for the fact that I picked the wrong person. Finally, after 45 years of marriage, I'm correcting that mistake but I wish I had done it long ago.

Don't focus on the "fairy tale" and ignore reality.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Nope, no fairy tale, no Disney writers are directing the course of your life. You will cry, your boobs will sag, your SO will fart in bed, your children will challenge you-sometimes beyond your ability to cope, your job won't be glamorous, you won't be paid what you're worth, people get sick and die.

However, if your priorities ever become reasonal, if your expectations for others behavior toward you mirror your behavior toward them, if your boundaries are firm and your encouragement lavish, if you appreciate the small things, than it's highly possibly you are already in that fair tale, just dressed a little differently.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I had that life! 

But it was all a lie.

Just like a fairy tale. Pretend.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I think it exists for some people, but finding it is a matter of luck. We don't all get to experience everything in this life, you know? We have to make choices. 

But, in your case, I think you can find closer to the fairy tale than the guy you're with. Fertility is never a guarantee, but I know women who had their firsts in their 40s (one was 46). Have you considered freezing some of your own eggs?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

There are many people I've come across on here who've said they are experiencing the fairy tale. But it's all to do with your mindset - these same people have also ovecome barriers and painful experiences, they have persevered with hard work and committment, and have lots more obstacles to deal with down the road. Life doesn't happen to you, you make life happen, happily ever after does not mean a lifetime full of ignorant bliss.

First thing to do: get off the fence about your H. If you love him and he loves you, and you are both willing to spend the rest of your lives trying to meet each others needs and putting goals together that strive towards your fairytale happy ending, then go with it and make the most of it.


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## MeditMike80 (Dec 29, 2012)

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## MeditMike80 (Dec 29, 2012)

No. I've always said that marriage is about finding the person who annoys you the least on life.
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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

The fairy tale does exist...

Until the dopamine high wears off. Then there are bills to pay, mouths to feed, children that need to be rocked to sleep, given bottles, diapers changes.

Your "super stud" alpha husband slowly becomes a doormat to keep you happy because society has taught him to give you everything you want. He becomes too beta and you start to resent him for it.

NOW, how YOU react to these life events will determine whether or not you will have a fairy tale or a typical TAM coping with infidelity story. 

Anon Pink has hit the nail on the head. No Disney writers making it up as you go. Reality and how you deal with it, coupled with your partner will determine the "fairy tale".


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

No because reality gets in the way. There are an infinite number of uncontrollables. Control what you can and work with the rest to make it the best it can be.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

No it doesn't but you can choose to be happy, choose to focus on the positive and work hard on a happy, healthy relationship with someone who is also willing to put in the effort.


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

That girl- oh no! What happened? Just a few months ago, you seemed so happy from your posts. Are you guys going to try to work it out?
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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

Northern lights- I can't afford to freeze my eggs. I dont even have health insurance! I'm just hoping I have the chance to have one before its too late. But I want to be in a good situation first. Not sure about mine. I just have so many doubts and don't feel "in love" even though he is so dedicated to me.
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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Ugh, health insurance. I feel your pain. In the US we had a really high deductible policy, have you looked into one of those? I'm sure it wouldn't cover freezing your eggs anyway, I'm sure that would be really pricey. Having that biological clock tick in your ear is so hard. Mine started around 15. Lovely.

What's going on with you and the guy you're with now? Why do you feel on the fence? I can't help with the fairy tale question (God knows my life is far from that!), but maybe that's separate from your relationship.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

animal 2011 said:


> Maybe its just me or our culture, but I always thought I'd find the love of my life by age 32 or whatever, we'd have a beautiful wedding, buy a nice house, have a couple kids, pets, all kinds of friends to have dinners with, vacations...the dream life. Mainly finding the love of my life, feeling madly in love and sexual with each other, having kids. But now I'm 35 and have been in a relationship with a man I always feel on the fence about, he already has 3 kids so I don't feel like making it a fourth...I feel like I've past my prime for finding the "fairy tale" and I barely even care anymore. It's like I've given up. But fire this fairy tale even exist? What do you think?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Stop dreaming about what life could be and start living it.


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

Northern lights- I feel on the fence because I'm not sure we are that compatible, I don't feel madly in love, and I just have this nagging feeling that he's not "the one". But he loves me dearly and is loyal, a little too alpha for me. I find it obnoxious. I've actually been meaning to start a thread about it.
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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

It does exist. I have seen it. And it is what I hope for still.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I have the fairy tale life. I think the problem is in assuming fairy tale life means free from problems and it doesn't. I married my prince, have the great house, 3 kids, financial security, vacations, friends, etc.

And yet we've struggled....A LOT. 

The key to the fairy tale life in my opinion is marrying someone you could live in a tent with. Someone you want to be with in good times and in the really bad ones. Someone you're hot for. I do have that despite our struggles. At the end of the day he's still THE one after 23 years together and for that I'm grateful.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Most of Grimm's Fairy Tales end in the death, rape or cannibalism of someone. So...yeah.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Fairytales are just that....fairytales. There is NO perfect marriage - even in the best ones, there are some hiccups along the way.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Runs like Dog said:


> Most of Grimm's Fairy Tales end in the death, rape or cannibalism of someone. So...yeah.


:rofl:

Best Reply EVER!

I'm sorry OP I hope this didn't offend you and if it did, I am sorry, but that was funny!


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

If you've been married to an emotionally abusive manipulator who made your life a living hell, finally divorced her and then married someone who treats you well...

Then every day is like a fairy tale. I really mean that. Life was awful before. I am just so damned grateful.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

What makes you two incompatible? Compatibility is big. In my experiences, it's one of the main things that establishes how difficult the marriage will be. I don't think anything is ever impossible, I just think it sets a baseline level of challenge to overcome.


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## Malcolm38 (Dec 25, 2012)

Life unfortunately isn't a fairly tale.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

northernlights said:


> *What makes you two incompatible? Compatibility is big.* In my experiences, it's one of the main things that establishes how difficult the marriage will be. I don't think anything is ever impossible, I just think it sets a baseline level of challenge to overcome.


 I agree !! Here is a thread I did...with a list of areas I feel -it truly helps & aids in marital harmony to be on the same page, or at least deeply understand and accept the other where they are. 












cavenger said:


> It only exists if you live in fantasy land. I think it more likely depends heavily on people's past experiences as to what they bring into the relationship. Childhood and other relationships always have a downstream affect. There's that and just personality that plays into your percentage of "making it".


 I disagree that one has to live in a Fantasy Land... I consider myself a Student of Reality & Reason, so much I have ditched Religion...I don't even like to Read FICTION.. it bores me. I am a pathetic Romanticist though, this is my affliction. 

I DO feel our marriage has been like a "*Fairy Tale*".....but I owe this to the man I married... how he has treated me since he walked into my life.......It was *HE* who taught me how to Love...My teens years were not a bowl of cherries.... this likely prepared me to be more RECEPTIVE to Goodness when it entered my life. 

I was not a young girl looking for excitement..I wanted something REAL, something Lasting... .. I felt I was "cheated" in my family life (Mother left me, Step Mom didn't want me there)....I wanted out of that house...I looked to build my own FAMILY....also I desired to be married sooner... not later. 

I even got down on my knees & prayed for a good guy at age 15... met him 3 months later at the Lunch table of a new Vocational School ...He was my White Knight.







... I was like the "Damsel in Distress" in some ways...his being Tipped Beta played into his Desire to be that "rescuer" also. He didn't like how I was treated at Home.. He brightened my world ...we were *best friends* before we even kissed. 

From meeting him...to our Wedding day, seeing 3 albino Deers across the yard that morning.. to his getting a Job to support our growing family....down to the house we live in (another answered Prayer)...it's been a beautiful amazing ride....

Although we only talked of having 3 kids, we ended up with 6... I told him early on, I had to have a daughter, so if she wasn't here by # 3...I'd want to keep trying.... he honored that....as he has always honored his every word to me. 

Would I have believed where I am TODAY -even while we were dating... NO.. his job sucked, working in a Grocery store... we hated our 2nd house...we struggled to conceive for 6+ years ...some family drama on my side...(we had our trials too) but in everything, these were more EXTERNAL... never INTERNAL... I never wanted anyone else, nor has he.



curlysue321 said:


> The most important ingredient of the fairy tale is having a man you are head over heels for who you couldn't imagine your life without who you look forward to every minute that you spend together.
> 
> Started out marrying my highschool sweetheart, had two kids, had a beautiful house in the country and also a cabin, but I was married to a passive-aggressive man who barely spoke to me. Having the right partner is what makes or breaks the fairy tale.
> 
> If you are not married to this guy it is time to move on. Never too late to find your soulmate.


 Love your story Curlysue.... Yeah...marrying a Passive aggressive... how can anyone survive with happiness.. ...Conflict avoiding always = Resentment growth in the other...even themselves...it is a cycle with no happy endings. Never too late! That's wonderful. 












Openminded said:


> All the material possessions, and lavish vacations, in the world didn't make up for the fact that I picked the wrong person. Finally, after 45 years of marriage, I'm correcting that mistake but I wish I had done it long ago.


 I so agree, it's not about how much you own, where you can whine & dine, taking lavish cruises...It's what's in the heart....how each make the other feel....We married when he made peanuts, I quit my job (I even made more!) to stay home with our 1st son... I used cloth diapers , we didn't even have a Dryer for years...we skimped, we saved, we did our home Projects, painted our own cars, always side by side...helping each other... We were happy...we had shared dreams, visions...we carefully planned, saved, and worked hard to get there. 



Anon Pink said:


> Nope, no fairy tale, no Disney writers are directing the course of your life. You will cry, your boobs will sag, your SO will fart in bed, your children will challenge you-sometimes beyond your ability to cope, your job won't be glamorous, you won't be paid what you're worth, people get sick and die.


 May I say...... Crying is not always Bad..it's a release, sometimes very cleansing....Boob sagging is not the end of the world, Thank God for Bras...and at least we still have em....Farting in bed... We laugh ! What's wrong with a little toilet humor....

The challenging of the kids...well that can be tough one ...if you have a Little "Rebel without a cause" on your hands disrespecting authority, on drugs etc.

When the Job sucks, it's good to have a place of refuge at home... My husband has bad days... and when he walks through the door, he unloads, I listen and soothe him...Though he is pretty well liked where he works...still some A-holes to upset his apple cart here & there. 

The Getting Sick part...little stuff that will pass is like NOTHING to me..so long as it's temporary, I  through it all....life returns to normal in a few days, a week, a month.... no sweat......but the BIG stuff...something that has a potential to change your life forever...this is a different animal....my Greatest fear....those trials are like being Tested by







(a special needs child, cancer, wheel chair bound, etc). 



> However, if your priorities ever become reasonal, *if your expectations for others behavior toward you mirror your behavior toward them,* if your boundaries are firm and your encouragement lavish, if you appreciate the small things, than it's highly possibly you are already in that fair tale, just dressed a little differently.


Yeah, I LIKE that part in *red* ...not one of us should expect ANY MORE than we give ourselves... 





animal 2011 said:


> Northern lights- I can't afford to freeze my eggs. I dont even have health insurance! I'm just hoping I have the chance to have one before its too late. But I want to be in a good situation first. Not sure about mine. I just have so many doubts and don't feel "in love" even though he is so dedicated to me.





animal 2011 said:


> Northern lights- I feel on the fence because I'm not sure we are that compatible, I don't feel madly in love, and I just have this nagging feeling that he's not "the one". But he loves me dearly and is loyal, a little too alpha for me. I find it obnoxious. I've actually been meaning to start a thread about it.


 I am soooo confused by what you say here.... 1st you said he is .."He is so dedicated to Me"...he loves you dearly and is loyal... (sounds like the GOOD Beta so far), then you say he is TOO ALPHA and it's Obnoxious. yeah...do a thread... 

Which are you more attracted too? 



> The *Alpha Traits* are those associated with classic “manly man” strengths. Power, dominance, physical ability, bravery, wealth, cool and confidence. Oh and good genes. These are the things that attract women and turn them on sexually. The Alpha Traits are linked to the dopamine response in women.
> 
> *Alpha *= attraction building = Dopamine = In Love = Excitement





> The *Beta Traits* are those associated with the strengths of being a nice guy / “family man”. Kindness, being a good listener, the ability to help with the children, dependability, thoughtfulness, compassion and patience. These all create a sense of comfort and safety for the woman, and relax her because she feels that if she became pregnant, the Beta Trait male isn’t going to abandon her and the baby.
> 
> *Beta *= comfort building = Oxytocin / Vasopressin = Pair Bond = Calm Enjoyment"


So Alpha Traits create attraction and that “in love” feeling, and Beta Traits create the pair bond and makes her feel relaxed enough to have sex. You need a balance of both Alpha and Beta in a marriage to maximize her desire to have sex with you.





Wiserforit said:


> If you've been married to an emotionally abusive manipulator who made your life a living hell, finally divorced her and then married someone who treats you well...
> 
> Then every day is like a fairy tale. I really mean that. Life was awful before. I am just so damned grateful.










And this makes sense too... once you've tasted HELL.. a Gratitude rises within you -for someone who treats you beautiful..and this just grows & grows.


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