# Parental decision dispute



## oskar

Hi folks, new here, been reading a lot and great advice being given so now it's my turn if you may.

My woman and I are in a disagreement about our 13 year old boy. He likes to go to these "nerf gun wars" which is like laser tag only with nerf guns that the participants build and or modify themselves and they hunt each other down and shoot to "kill" so to speak.

It's all good fun and our boy has made some friends, mostly older kids in their late teens and twenties. The one guy who organizes these meets is a nice friendly kid we've met him a few times at the meets.

This weekend is an out of state nerf war and it's 3.5 hours each way and then one or both of us has to sit there for 4-6 hours while they play shoot 'em up. So it's a lot of driving and a waste of a day. The guy who organizes the meets takes people depending on availability in his car and he's offered a ride to our boy. I say it's all good let him go, she says no way is he going with boys we don't even know.

I say she's over protective she says I'm not being cautious enough.

Thoughts?

Thank you.


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## sapientia

oskar said:


> Hi folks, new here, been reading a lot and great advice being given so now it's my turn if you may.
> 
> My woman and I are in a disagreement about our 13 year old boy. He likes to go to these "nerf gun wars" which is like laser tag only with nerf guns that the participants build and or modify themselves and they hunt each other down and shoot to "kill" so to speak.
> 
> It's all good fun and our boy has made some friends, mostly older kids in their late teens and twenties. The one guy who organizes these meets is a nice friendly kid we've met him a few times at the meets.
> 
> This weekend is an out of state nerf war and it's 3.5 hours each way and then one or both of us has to sit there for 4-6 hours while they play shoot 'em up. So it's a lot of driving and a waste of a day. The guy who organizes the meets takes people depending on availability in his car and he's offered a ride to our boy. I say it's all good let him go, she says no way is he going with boys we don't even know.
> 
> I say she's over protective she says I'm not being cautious enough.
> 
> Thoughts?
> 
> Thank you.


I wouldn't be comfortable putting his safety in the hands of someone I don't know. I'd take him myself and stay overnight. Ideally, I'd bring one of his agemate friends along also. Make a weekend of it.


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## KillerClown

I've organized martial arts clubs in the past and I know a thing or two. All legitimate sporting events must be insured. It's liability safeguard for the property owner in the event of accidents and injury. I take it this is not a legitimate sports organization and the property owner is not licensed or insured.

Unless the event, the organizer and the property owner has all the proper paperwork I wouldn't let your son participate even if it's walking distance away.


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## NobodySpecial

oskar said:


> Hi folks, new here, been reading a lot and great advice being given so now it's my turn if you may.
> 
> My woman and I are in a disagreement about our 13 year old boy. He likes to go to these "nerf gun wars" which is like laser tag only with nerf guns that the participants build and or modify themselves and they hunt each other down and shoot to "kill" so to speak.
> 
> It's all good fun and our boy has made some friends, mostly older kids in their late teens and twenties. The one guy who organizes these meets is a nice friendly kid we've met him a few times at the meets.
> 
> This weekend is an out of state nerf war and it's 3.5 hours each way and then one or both of us has to sit there for 4-6 hours while they play shoot 'em up. So it's a lot of driving and a waste of a day. The guy who organizes the meets takes people depending on availability in his car and he's offered a ride to our boy. I say it's all good let him go, she says no way is he going with boys we don't even know.
> 
> I say she's over protective she says I'm not being cautious enough.
> 
> Thoughts?
> 
> Thank you.


This one is wicked easy. Meet the boy. Then you know him. But yes, I think she is being over protective.


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## Hope1964

I'd go with my hubby and the boy and make a fun weekend out of it. There's GOT to be fun stuff to do at or near where he's going. Find a hotel with a pool and a hot tub (I can think of a couple of fun things to do for 4 hours in a hotel room with hubby  ), go to a comic book store, attend a farmers market, whatever.


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## Rowan

I would allow it if it were an organized youth activity with a church, 4-H, a school or rec department ball team, something of that nature. Those activities would include adult leaders and organizers bearing some formally designated legal responsibility to provide oversight and protection to the kids, and he'd be with a group of children roughly his own age. 

But this isn't that. This is a guy you've met a few times giving your 13 year old a lift to an all-day, mostly adult, event in another state. There's no formal chaperonage, no group of buddies his own age to watch out for one another, and really no one to take responsibility for him if anything were to happen. Have you been to this event before? Do you even know for sure whether the culture of this event is something you'd be okay with your child attending? 

If he were 16 or so? Probably. But not at 13.

If he wants to go, and you're okay with him attending, then take him and make a family weekend of it.


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## oskar

KillerClown said:


> Unless the event, the organizer and the property owner has all the proper paperwork I wouldn't let your son participate even if it's walking distance away.


They're running around in a park shooting foam bullets at each other using plastic guns with springs and air pressure.

I think not letting him participate is way over the top and although I appreciate your response that's not the question I was asking.


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## oskar

Rowan said:


> If he wants to go, and you're okay with him attending, then take him and make a family weekend of it.


I would have to take off of work and that's not going to happen. 

As it stands it looks like mom is taking him and she'll spend the day I mean waste the day with him. 

Looks like the decision is made I'm just looking to see if I'm "wrong" or if she's "over the top" protective.


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## turnera

Nowadays, no way I'd let my teen son drive with some adult I don't know well that far away.

That said, we only had one child, and we basically put our lives on hold so that she could have fun things to do. So I would definitely go, bring a book, and relax.


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## Hope1964

oskar said:


> As it stands it looks like mom is taking him and she'll spend the day I mean waste the day with him. .


Despite the fact I do agree she's slightly overprotective, did you just say that her spending a day with her son is a WASTE???


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## oskar

Hope1964 said:


> Despite the fact I do agree she's slightly overprotective, did you just say that her spending a day with her son is a WASTE???


Yes because she'll be sitting there while he's running around playing with a bunch of fellow nerf gunners.

I guess they'll have quality time in the car ride so it's not a complete waste. Also she works hard all week, gets up early and works late, so on her day off she's getting up at the crack of dawn only to drive for 1/2 day and return home late. For no good reason as I see it.


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## Rowan

oskar said:


> I would have to take off of work and that's not going to happen.
> 
> As it stands it looks like mom is taking him and she'll spend the day I mean waste the day with him.
> 
> Looks like the decision is made I'm just looking to see if I'm "wrong" or if she's "over the top" protective.


Just a quick caution about turning this into a wrong/right thing with your wife. Two people can have very different opinions without either of them being wrong. Your wife is not comfortable sending him alone. That's not wrong of her, or over the top overprotective. But, neither are you wrong. Your own tolerance for risk in this situation is higher than hers. In this case, your wife is the one who will be giving up her day to chaperone him. It's not a hardship for you, but for her - one she seems willing to accept as the more cautious parent in this situation.


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## Hope1964

oskar said:


> Yes because she'll be sitting there while he's running around playing with a bunch of fellow nerf gunners.
> 
> I guess they'll have quality time in the car ride so it's not a complete waste. Also she works hard all week, gets up early and works late, so on her day off she's getting up at the crack of dawn only to drive for 1/2 day and return home late. For no good reason as I see it.


Why will she just be sitting there? Will she be reading a book? Relaxing? Suntanning? Maybe she'll go shopping, or find something really cool at a little shop, or run into someone and make a new friend, or be in the right place at the right time to give someone a much needed smile.

Just because you don't see a reason for it doesn't mean it has no value to HER.

You need to do some work on your attitude towards your wife, methinks. Do you know her love language? Or her biggest need in the marriage?


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## oskar

Hope1964 said:


> You need to do some work on your attitude towards your wife, methinks. Do you know her love language? Or her biggest need in the marriage?


She didn't want to go either!

There's a zillion things she needs and wants to do on her day off.

She's going because she feels she has to.


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## Hope1964

So help her ENJOY her day. ESPECIALLY since she didn't want to go.


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## sapientia

oskar said:


> Yes because she'll be sitting there while he's running around playing with a bunch of fellow nerf gunners.
> 
> I guess they'll have quality time in the car ride so it's not a complete waste. Also she works hard all week, gets up early and works late, so on her day off she's getting up at the crack of dawn only to drive for 1/2 day and return home late. For no good reason as I see it.


The good reason is that your son will enjoy it. For some parents who care about their children, that is enough reason. Personally, I would just bring my laptop and work, or read a book. The car ride is, as you say, a good chance to connect. Providing fun experiences for my son is definitely never a "waste".

I can see why you are an ex. Very negative.


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## oskar

I don't understand why people can't just respond to my question????

I see this all the time on here. Someone asks a question or specific advice and they get all these responses that have nothing to do with it!

I'm not asking about my relationship, I'm not asking if the boy should go or not go, I'm just asking if people think him going with the older guys is ok or not!

PERIOD


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## oskar

sapientia said:


> I can see why you are an ex. Very negative.


Unless you're with the same person your whole life, you're an ex too.


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## oskar

Rowan said:


> Just a quick caution about turning this into a wrong/right thing with your wife. Two people can have very different opinions without either of them being wrong. Your wife is not comfortable sending him alone. That's not wrong of her, or over the top overprotective. But, neither are you wrong. Your own tolerance for risk in this situation is higher than hers. In this case, your wife is the one who will be giving up her day to chaperone him. It's not a hardship for you, but for her - one she seems willing to accept as the more cautious parent in this situation.


Best post on this thread.

I "liked" it


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## Hope1964

oskar said:


> I don't understand why people can't just respond to my question????
> 
> I see this all the time on here. Someone asks a question or specific advice and they get all these responses that have nothing to do with it!
> 
> I'm not asking about my relationship, I'm not asking if the boy should go or not go, I'm just asking if people think him going with the older guys is ok or not!
> 
> PERIOD


If you think we're not responding to your question, you REALLY have a problem.

You DO sound very negative. Is there some reason you think you shouldn't try to help your wife enjoy her day?? Did that even cross your mind before I mentioned it?


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## oskar

Hope1964 said:


> If you think we're not responding to your question, you REALLY have a problem.
> 
> You DO sound very negative. Is there some reason you think you shouldn't try to help your wife enjoy her day?? Did that even cross your mind before I mentioned it?


Hope- 

I am TRYING to make it a GREAT day for her by convincing her to stay home. 

If she GOES then there's nothing I can do to help her enjoy it.

How is telling him he can't go or telling me to be less negative answering my question about whether it's right or wrong for him to go with the older boys?


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## sapientia

Oh man, lol.


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## Hope1964

There are a ton of things you can do to help her enjoy the day.

First of all, stop trying to convince her not to go. She needs to go. Otherwise she wouldn't be going. ACCEPT that.

Then find out where she is going, and do some research on the place and see if you can make some suggestions to her of stuff she might find fun. 

Then tell her "Hon, I know you really don't want to go with our son, and since I can't come with you I want you to make the best of the day. I did some looking and found this thing here you might like, and here's some money to do it with"

Would you lose your job if you took the day off and went with them?


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## KillerClown

oskar said:


> Hope-
> 
> I am TRYING to make it a GREAT day for her by convincing her to stay home.
> 
> If she GOES then there's nothing I can do to help her enjoy it.
> 
> How is telling him he can't go or telling me to be less negative answering my question about whether it's right or wrong for him to go with the older boys?


We're not addressing your viewpoint because sending a 13 year old out of state with an older guy you barely know who is not a licensed caregiver is not only preposterously irresponsible, it is legally questionable.

You've got bigger issues here than this one incident.


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## oskar

Hope1964 said:


> Would you lose your job if you took the day off and went with them?


There is no way in hell I'm going to lose a day's pay to do something I think is totally unnecessary.


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## oskar

KillerClown said:


> We're not addressing your viewpoint because sending a 13 year old out of state with an older guy you barely know who is not a licensed caregiver is not only preposterously irresponsible, it is legally questionable.
> 
> You've got bigger issues here than this one incident.


Bigger issues in what sense?

This guy takes people all the time to these meets, he's well known on the internet for these get togethers.


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## oskar

sapientia said:


> Oh man, lol.


You're amusing yourself at my expense.

Not Appreciated.


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## Hope1964

oskar said:


> There is no way in hell I'm going to lose a day's pay to do something I think is totally unnecessary.


AAAAANNNNNNNNDDDDDD here we have it. It's all about YOU.

If you aren't even willing to listen here, I'm done, because you're just being *edited*

You apparently have the kind of marriage where you fail to look for the good and positive things, or try to make something positive happen, or actually LISTEN to your wife and try to make her life BETTER.


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## norajane

> It's all good fun and our boy has made some friends, mostly older kids in their late teens and twenties.


This seems very simple to me. If you or your wife aren't going to be there, NO, he is too young to go on his own. These "older kids" are adults in some cases, and your 13 year old shouldn't be taking trips with them where you or your wife aren't present. 

Have you heard teen boys and adult men _talk _on road trips? Your son isn't mature enough yet for that. 

When he's older, he can go on unsupervised trips with older teens and adults. Right now, your son is a LITTLE kid compared to the "older kids" and needs you to protect him from stuff he's too young for. 

And maybe, just maybe, he could use some friends his own age.


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## Hope1964

oskar said:


> he's well known on the internet


And we ALL know just how SAFE it is to know someone from the internet!!!!!!!!!!


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## sapientia

oskar said:


> You're amusing yourself at my expense.
> 
> Not Appreciated.
> [/SIZE]


Actually, I'm amusing the other posters on this thread. Who, btw, are under no obligation to help you. Unless you care to open your wallet?



oskar said:


> This guy takes people all the time to these meets, he's well known on the internet for these get togethers.


OLDER people, you posted this yourself. Not a 13 year old. Letting him go alone is irresponsible.
*
Anyway, you now have your answer from several people.* We would not permit him to go alone to this event, but if he wanted to go badly enough we would find a way to support him by driving him there ourselves. It may not be the exact answer you want, but it's the answer you need. So it goes asking for advice from a free internet site.



Hope1964 said:


> AAAAANNNNNNNNDDDDDD here we have it. It's all about YOU.


I agree^.

Good luck on that ex thing...


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## oskar

norajane said:


> Have you heard teen boys and adult men _talk _on road trips? Your son isn't mature enough yet for that.


We talk about that sort of stuff all the time.

I've taught him several sexual terms, his latest one is "cameltoe".

He's learned more from his friends than he'll ever hear in casual conversation, not much if anything he hasn't heard.


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## oskar

sapientia said:


> Actually, I'm amusing the other posters on this thread.


That's not what this forum is for.

It's for ADVICE


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## Hope1964

oskar said:


> We talk about that sort of stuff all the time.
> 
> I've taught him several sexual terms, his latest one is "cameltoe".
> 
> He's learned more from his friends than he'll ever hear in casual conversation, not much if anything he hasn't heard.


Oh now THERE'S the thing you should be focusing on here.


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## sapientia

oskar said:


> That's not what this forum is for.
> 
> It's for ADVICE.


You have received such. The fact you don't LIKE it isn't our problem.


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## oskar

sapientia said:


> You have received such. The fact you don't LIKE it isn't our problem.


I don't like you posting things that have nothing to do with my topic and amusing yourself and others at my expense.

It's also against the RULES


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## oskar

11. No hijacking threads. If your post is not on-topic for a particular thread, please start another thread for it rather than taking someone else's thread off-topic. Users who repeatedly hijack threads will be warned and potentially banned.


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## sapientia

oskar said:


> Hi folks, new here, been reading a lot and great advice being given so now it's my turn if you may.
> 
> My woman and I are in a disagreement about our 13 year old boy. He likes to go to these "nerf gun wars" which is like laser tag only with nerf guns that the participants build and or modify themselves and they hunt each other down and shoot to "kill" so to speak.
> 
> It's all good fun and our boy has made some friends, mostly older kids in their late teens and twenties. The one guy who organizes these meets is a nice friendly kid we've met him a few times at the meets.
> 
> This weekend is an out of state nerf war and it's 3.5 hours each way and then one or both of us has to sit there for 4-6 hours while they play shoot 'em up. So it's a lot of driving and a waste of a day. The guy who organizes the meets takes people depending on availability in his car and he's offered a ride to our boy. I say it's all good let him go, she says no way is he going with boys we don't even know.
> 
> I say she's over protective she says I'm not being cautious enough.
> 
> Thoughts?
> 
> Thank you.


Let's reexamine your ACTUAL first post, shall we?

1. Nowhere in this post is there an ACTUAL QUESTION.

2. You claim to be asking for ADVICE what what you have ACTUALLY DONE is describe a scenario, ending with the OPEN ENDED

"THOUGHTS?"

3. Several people gave you very reasonable responses, including me. You got more than your money's worth. Again, if you don't like it, that is not our problem.

Perhaps if you are dissatisfied with the answers you should improve on how you ask the question next time. You might also want to avoid the large red type, as it's quite annoying, as you can see. *Seems to me you are just being deliberately difficult so for this reason, like Hope, I am bowing out of the thread.*

Good day.


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## oskar

Good riddance.


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## Hope1964

Wow, you really ARE such a NICE person aren't you?

Don't worry, I'll leave you alone when my work day ends.


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## oskar

Hope- your advice was helpful, thank you.


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## Hope1964

oskar said:


> Hope- your advice was helpful, thank you.


Was it? It didn't sound like you though it was. But I am glad.


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## Mr. Nail

OK
Not 100% sure I really want to stick my foot in this pond, but I do have some experience with planing trips like this.
Fortunately for me, I volunteer with an experienced organization that has rules for this kind of trip.
First the driver should be 21 or older. There should be at least 1 other adult (18 or older). * Both adults should have some training in child abuse prevention.
The car should have extra liability insurance. It should also have a road side emergency kit. Seat belt for EVERY passenger.
All parents should have a copy of the itinerary and contact information for the adults in charge.
Parents should feel comfortable with the adults that are in charge. 

Meet with the driver and see how he stacks up.
* Boy Scouts of America Youth Protection Training is free and available to anyone online. I would suggest that as a minimum.


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## EleGirl

oskar said:


> We talk about that sort of stuff all the time.
> 
> I've taught him several sexual terms, his latest one is "cameltoe".
> 
> He's learned more from his friends than he'll ever hear in casual conversation, not much if anything he hasn't heard.


Really? You think that teaching your son stupid rude terms makes him mature enough to handle a potentially bad situation?

Your son it too you to be able to handle the situation if it turns out that this older guy has an interest you young teen boys.

Very often, men to spend a lot of time doing things for boys this age are doing it to gain access to young boys.


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## NobodySpecial

oskar said:


> Hope-
> 
> I am TRYING to make it a GREAT day for her by convincing her to stay home.


I agreed with you that she was being over protective. But if someone dismissed my feelings this way, I would not be pleased. She has made a decision. Respect it.


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## NobodySpecial

oskar said:


> 11. No hijacking threads. If your post is not on-topic for a particular thread, please start another thread for it rather than taking someone else's thread off-topic. Users who repeatedly hijack threads will be warned and potentially banned.


Is there a rule about obnoxious fonts?


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## jimrich

IMO, the worst thing that can happen to any kid is to have parents who cannot agreed on their values, policies and standards of behavior etc. 


oskar said:


> I say it's all good let him go, she says no way is he going with boys we don't even know.


At 13, both of you either trust your child to handle himself with kids you don't know - or you don't. If you, as the parents, have done the right things, your kid should have the tools to deal with other kids in nearly any situation. If you don't trust these other kids to do what is right, don't let your kid fall into their clutches! 



> I say she's over protective she says I'm not being cautious enough.


IMO, you're both right and you're both wrong! 
The point is that you need to HAPPILY agree on your policies and tactics regarding how to HELP your son grow up and be responsible and self reliant. 
I suspect that this is opening up deeper and more disturbing issues between your wife and you so please don't pull your innocent son into the antagonistic drama that you and your wife are caught up in. Please settle your differences the best you can WITHOUT burdening your innocent son.


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