# Already on the roller coaster ride, & this all just BEGAN......



## BrokenHearted15 (Feb 6, 2012)

I will post a long intro tomorrow, but for now I just wanted to say that the ride has begun. I was in shock (and numb) for 5 days, now on the 6th day, I am sad, angry and hurt. My husband and I have finally arrived in the same emotional place for once, unfortunately, it is the place where we are both done and ready to move on. 

You can know that moving on is the right thing to do, but that doesn't EVER make it easy or painless. I have been with my husband for 15 years, married for almost 12. I have been with him for almost my entire adult life (I was 21 when we met.) 

I am fine one minute and crying the next. The smallest things are triffering me and I am less then a week into this, which tells me that it is going to be a VERY log, bumpy up and down ride. This hurts worse then anything I have ever been through. I think about happy memories and things that just feel like a knife to my stomach. I know this is the right thing. We have both tried everything. I have given 1000% to fixing things for the past 3 years and we also did counseling, which he decided to quit, knowing that was our last chance. I had told him that if he quit that there was NOTHING I could do and we would be finished. So when he decided no more counseling the other day, we knew what we had to do and we didn't talk for 5 days, and he has been on the couch for 4 nights. There are no "I love yous", no kissing or touching at all. It is over and it is killing me. 

I am convinced that he hasn't thought about any of the things that I have. If he had thought of old memories ect, he would be falling apart like me. Like I said it is up and down and I cry on a dime. He may be falling apart, but I don't see it. I am hurting so bad.

I am mourning the loss of this relationship that I have fought so hard for and for a man that I loved so deeply. I can't imagine my life w/o him. We do have 2 kids. I am so thankful for them, they are amazing!

I am not eating, ad I have a constant pain in my stomach that won't go away, and I can't sleep. This is hell on earth.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry to hear you are going through this. It is definately a hard place to be.

Since he has decided to not try to fix the marriage, would he leave to give you some peace?

Was there infidelity involved? Or have issues simply gone too far?


----------



## BrokenHearted15 (Feb 6, 2012)

I don't want him to just go. I don't want the house and we haven't told the kids yet. We have a lot of things to do. There was infidelity in 2001 (one month before our 1 year wedding anniversary. It was a one night stand, I forgave him) At that point we had been together for 4 1//2 years. The effects of infidelity are long lasting and not just for the betrayed, they are long for the betrayer too. Things changed a lot after that. You don't have the relationship you thought you had, because if you did he wouldn't cheat. It shattered a lot of things I thought about him, us and how committed and deeply I THOUGHT he loved me. It just got worse and worse each year. We are resentful, disrespectful and disconnected from each other. It was gradual. The killer is that I think we both knew it was happening all this time, but didn't have the nerve to end it. 15 years and 2 kids is nothing to shrug at. I am very intuitive and knew how he felt about me, I just always hoped it would changed. Night time is really bad for me, I don't want to go to sleep. I cried last night for the first time since it all went down. A night I can't stop thinking about good memories and all I will miss. Like how he smells out of the shower..I LOVE that! ( His dial body wash, his shampoo, and his after shave and pre shave.) Even if he hasn't just gotten out of the shower, his skin and hair always smells amazing. I hurt so bad, I just don't want to go lay down alone o think of all I have messed up and will miss.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What comes to mind is that if you do nothing but let things be as they are right now... they will continue as they are.

I think you need to some something very bold.. something that will shock him into realizing that he is losing you. That's why I suggested you as him to leave. It's probably the last thing he would expect you to do. He probably expects you to keep doing things to make him want to stay.. sort of to be in a begging mode. He has a lot of power when you are feeling as you are. You yourself said he does not seem to be racting with any deep emotions.. Well there might be a very good reason.. he's in control right now. 

Pull the rug from under him. Let him realize that he is indeed going to lose you.

Look at the 180 in my signature block below. This is how you should be treating him now. It might seem harsh and counter intuative. But if there is anything that will get him to stop, pay attention to you and start working to fix this marriage.. it's you doing the 180.


----------



## BrokenHearted15 (Feb 6, 2012)

What happened was we have been in counseling for almost a year. I had always wanted to go to counseling, as I could never figure out exactly what was wrong with our relationship. I wanted help from a professional to figure it out. Through counseling I learned a lot, I grew as a Mom, wife and a person. The therapist helped both of us to realize that he is very verbally abusive and has been for awhile. It is one of those things you just don't realize it is happening or what is wrong. She recommended a book (The verbally abusive relationship) and it was like they sat in my house and wrote a book about it. It was VERY difficult to read, emotionally telling and painful. I only got through chapter 2. I had to stop it was hurting and making me depressed. He was supposed to read it too and never found the time. 

I scheduled our next counseling appt. on MOn. and he said I am not going back there, I said well you know that I told you that was out last ditch effort w/o counseling we are done....It was the truth, that is how bad we needed it. I stick by that statement. I am standing up for me and what I need, want and deserve out of a relationship. That was how we got here. We both agreed it is over. There is no winning him back or vise versa. We are in the same ugly place and realize that we have done all we can, and there is some peace in that. I don't feel we are rushing the decision, and I don't think there is one thing to say or do to change things. To be happy we each need to move on, and it will be very painful.

Just because we have to do thin\s doesn't make it easy, this is like I am being stabbed to death every day. I have constant pain in my stomach, and it feels like I am getting an ulsor.

It is 10000% times worse then I ever thought it would be.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well, I go back to the 180. It helps you separate yourself and to become stronger emotionally. It's the same advice just about everyone else here will give you.


The thing about the 180 is that it's the right thing to do at this time no matter what direction you want to move in. The reason is that first you have to get strong enough to move forward.


----------



## BrokenHearted15 (Feb 6, 2012)

I hear you , but I am scared, sad, lonely (even with him here, our relationship is gone, and it is lonely.) It hurts so bad to see how unemotionally he talks to me and looks at me....It amazes me and hurts so bad....he is gone, no doubt about it. I would say I am too.....It is so sad.......


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BrokenHearted15 said:


> I hear you , but I am scared, sad, lonely (even with him here, our relationship is gone, and it is lonely.) It hurts so bad to see how unemotionally he talks to me and looks at me....It amazes me and hurts so bad....he is gone, no doubt about it. I would say I am too.....It is so sad.......


This is why you now interact with him as little as possible. It's why he should be out of the house. You need to protect yourself now.


----------



## BrokenHearted15 (Feb 6, 2012)

I am a VERY nice, caring empathetic person. I choose him for a reason. I wanted forever with him and I wanted kids with him. I still think he is an amazing father and I wish him happiness, I don't want to cripple him financially, I just want to survive and not be starving or homeless. I don't want the house at all, and I have nowhere to go right now. Maybe we will rent out the house and then both move out. Right now I am in a place where I know it is over, but I need him in my every day life. I know him and I know that he will be going, as I want to move on as well. Seeing how painful it already is for me, I am just not ready for the cold turkey method. 15 years and 2 kids is a big tie.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BrokenHearted15 said:


> I am a VERY nice, caring empathetic person. I choose him for a reason. I wanted forever with him and I wanted kids with him. I still think he is an amazing father and I wish him happiness, I don't want to cripple him financially, I just want to survive and not be starving or homeless. I don't want the house at all, and I have nowhere to go right now. Maybe we will rent out the house and then both move out. Right now I am in a place where I know it is over, but I need him in my every day life. I know him and I know that he will be going, as I want to move on as well. Seeing how painful it already is for me, I am just not ready for the cold turkey method. 15 years and 2 kids is a big tie.


No one is asking you to cripple him financially. He will however have to help financially with the kids and perhaps give you some support for a while.

If you are not ready for the cold turkey method, then do as much of the 180 as you can. The 180 is not mean, not by a long shot. Also get others in your life to help you. Do you have family and friends around who can help you?

Check out things like SSI & SSD, Medicaid, etc to see what help you can get.


----------



## BrokenHearted15 (Feb 6, 2012)

I am on SSI. I haven't told anyone about this. Only 2 of my friends, no family. I just can't. I am so emotional and it wil kill me to tell people, that really makes it real. I did the 180 when we decided to do this. For 5 days I didn't talk to him at all, only about the kids and essential topics. He made a comment yesterday, you weren't talking to me that day. I am still trying to stick with only things we need to talk about. This is really happening, and I am sure he would like hearts and candy so to speak, but I am hurt and not going to be that woman I was, that is over.


----------



## BrokenHearted15 (Feb 6, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Well, I go back to the 180. It helps you separate yourself and to become stronger emotionally. It's the same advice just about everyone else here will give you.
> 
> 
> The thing about the 180 is that it's the right thing to do at this time no matter what direction you want to move in. The reason is that first you have to get strong enough to move forward.


I think I am goig to have to.


----------

