# Separated but trying to work things out, Final court hearing less than 2 weeks away



## nikkiJ (Oct 3, 2012)

Final court hearing is scheduled for January 10, 2013. I feel like if there is any hope of getting back together, the time is now. 

Have been married 3 1/2 years, separated for 2 years. We live 1,000 miles away. Shortly after getting married he took a job opportunity in another state. It was a stressful time, my son was just a few months old when he left and I had a year left to finish up my batchelor's degree.

We kind of grew apart while he was away, although he did fly back every weekend at the time. When he was in town, we argued constantly. All of the stress with being a full-time student and new mom kind of wore me down and I think I resented him for leaving us. On top of that, I have less than supportive parents and I was living with them at the time and currently live with them. So the negative, unsupportive environment did/does not help. Eventually, about 6 months later, I filed for a separation from him. We have tried to work things out so many times, with me going there and staying months at a time. We have made 3 unsuccessful attempts at reconciliation. Looking back, I don't think we ever had a chance until now.

Due to the situation, all the back and forth, I have not started my career. I have worked a part-time job at a store in town during our separation but am not currently working. I would really like to start working in the field I went to school for but until I am settled in one place this seems unrealistic. We are at different points in our lives, he is 8 years older than I am and he has worked in his professional career for 10 years now. I would also like to get my son, now 3, in preschool and just get him settled in one place for good. I am sure all this has not been easy on him and the sooner I can figure this out, the better. 

A lot of our arguments are about how he does not like my parents/family, money, and he feels I do not do enough for him. 

I still love him and care about him so much. He does not express any affection toward me when I see him (comes in town every other weekend and holidays) or over the phone/text messages. He must still care, however, because otherwise he would have moved on. He tells me he is starting to settle into his own life and is finding happiness so I feel like he is headed in this direction. I have not moved on with my own life (in many ways), and working things out with him for good is constantly on my mind.

Sometimes I feel like I do not even know him anymore. We have had so many ups and downs over the last 2 years. I don't really know what he is feeling. It seems like every time we talk about it he changes his mind on what he wants to do. He goes from wanting to go through with the court date and divorce and try to make things work after that (says in his mind this is not a marriage and needs to be over) to wanting to postpone the date to have a few months to try to work things out together and go from there.

He told me to book a flight the other day. Then yesterday he said terrible things to me and gave me every reason why we would not work out. Then today I got a text from him saying "book your flight, I will try." 

I feel like we have both changed over the last 2 years. I feel like I can be a better wife to him than I was. Although I am unsure of how he would be toward me or how much he would actually try. 

This has been going on wayy too long, any advice would be greatly appreciated! Has anyone else gone through this? I have just reached the point where it has been so much back and forth and I'm feeling confused and unable to make any kind of decision.

Thank you in advance


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

This is all hindsight, but why didn't you move with him when he got the job? I guess it doesn't matter now, but a long distant realtionship is always in jeopardy, ask anyone serving in the military.

It sounds like you have made more than a couple of attempts which for me would be enough to say, time to move on. I am very pro-marriage in this divorce happy culture, but it sounds to me like enough is enough.


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## nikkiJ (Oct 3, 2012)

I didn't move with him right away because I was just starting my final year of nursing school. He left in March and I was planning to come 9 months later, in December just after graduation. We had good intentions of it working out but we grew apart so fast and our marriage seemed to slip away from us. 

I can honestly say if he had never left in the first place, we would still be living together and probably still happy together. We didn't have many issues at the time he left. The biggest issue has been the distance. That's also hind sight. 

The attempts we made after separating were weak. It was always him not really getting into it because I "had a legal action pending" against him. I feel like we have a better chance now that it's now or never and really we have come a long way in the last couple years.

I am also very pro-marriage and I think that is why I am trying so hard. But there has to be a point where enough is enough. I'm reaching that point, but obviously not there quite yet.

Thank you so much for your input!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Well if there is a chance and you both want it, you should not give up. Sounds like you have both gone both ways.

When we were seperated and I was done with limboland I told my wayward wife we were either moving to divorce or moving to reconcile, no more gray area. Sounds like you guys have been in the gray area this whole time.

Knowing there is legal crap attached to the relationship would bother me too. I think it almost comes down to all or nothing at some point.

D or R .....you both should pick the same letter and just do it! Commit to it.

BTW: I hate my inlaws (now after all this mess) and she hates mine, but the fact is we are married and they came with the package.


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## 4311 (Jul 3, 2012)

nikkiJ,

I suggest you ask your lawyers to get a postponement of the hearing on Jan 10. In one way it is good because it is lighting a fire under your rears - but you also wouldn't want it to go through if you guys are talking reconciliation. I would do the postponement.


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## nikkiJ (Oct 3, 2012)

Thank you This is Me. I do feel like it's been gray area the whole time. I realize at one point you just have to make a decision and move on with life. I can totally relate to the in-laws drama. We are in the same situation!

4311: Thanks for your input. I am definitely leaning toward postponing for 2-3 months, if possible.


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## 4311 (Jul 3, 2012)

Good, God speed and good luck!


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

what happened?


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