# Just over a month



## pioneer (May 28, 2010)

My wife just left just over a month ago. The hurt is so deep, so painful, so crushing.

Even though we talk and text, I still don't know the real reason why she left. She says that there are so many painful memories in our house. That could be true. Perhaps it is. I don't know.

I want to note that I never abused her in any way, cheated, ran around, went to bars, got drunk, did drugs. I absolutely worshipped her and the ground that she walks on.

Her son has been in legal trouble for 5 years and is currently in a home for the youth.

She has multiple arrests for DUI and was wanted by the state police for a hit and run just shy of three years ago.... Even through all that crap, I stood by her. Protected her, loved her, made everything alright.

We completely redid our house to make it new, so we would have a new beginning. That lasted a year. 

I've even offered to put our house on the market, buy another and start fresh in a new house to make new happy memories. She is not sure what she wants to do.

I keep asking myself what did I do to deserve this? What could I have changed so that we would still be together.

My heart pounds in my chest all the time. I can't eat (lost 20 pounds in a month), can't sleep, can barely function at work. 

I'm so lost, so alone and so scared.

How can she just throw me away? 12 years of marriage, gone in an instant. I had no idea that this was going to happen. I went to work one morning, we kissed each other that morning, said I love you's and then she was gone that afternoon.

I'm faithful, loving, attentive, have a excellent career. I always put family first. That's my belief. You always take care of your family. You always love and protect your family.

Just last week, she broke into a bank account that was in my and my mother's name and transferred 5k out of that acct and into our joint acct, then went and withdrew that money out of our joint acct.

The day that she left, she took 6.3k from our safe. So, combined, with the money that I gave her, it's over 12k in a month.....

I don't know what to do about any of this. 

I have never been the religious type, and now I'm asking God, how could he allow this to happen to me, when I was the good guy.

All I've ever wanted was a family to call my own. To love, care for, nuture. What happened to my best friend? We were suppossed to grow old together....


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

I replied to you on another post, but all I can say is be strong, easier said than done. I myself have also learned that time does not heal. What heal us is what we do about our situation and how we come in terms with it. I know what it feels like being in a dark hole, not knowing how to get out, but believe me you will find the way out, BUT only if you really seek it. Renew yourself, this is the time for you and to reflect on your marriage. Then perhaps your wife can see you in a new light. But you must be strong, patient and willing to learn from this to truly change.


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## pioneer (May 28, 2010)

Prelude,

Thank you. You are a true shining light in my moment of darkness.

I know that I need to detatch myself from her or just have limited contact with her and start working on me and what makes me happy. Do things that I've always wanted to do. Spend more time with my mom, dad and sis. 

Which I have been spending more time with them. And, it has been good for me. Getting away from my house, where I'm alone. Luckily, they are only 20 minutes away and I'm always welcome at any of thier houses, for as long as I want to stay. I just don't want to become a burden and wear out my welcome.

You know thinking back on my marriage, we were truly happy for the first 5 years. Then when her son started getting in trouble for various things, I think that started all of the stress that may have lead to our problems. The boy's dad was never in the picture and I provided for him and accepted him as my own. I adopted her daughter and while there is always some conflict with blended families, my daughter and I got along great, until she became a teen..... 

We were separated three years ago and got back together. But, I wonder if the reason that we got back together was because she got into a hit and run, w/ injuries, with alcohol involved to the other people and she needed me to save her butt from jail. 

I have been reading your posts and I truly wish that you discover the happiness that you so deserve.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

She is clearly not mentally healthy--the drinking is a form of self-medicating and the DUIs are a clear sign she is in serious denial about the depth of her problems. She does not like herself at all, so how could she love you? She's abusing you by leaving and taking money in a sneaky way. Why would you love someone like that, someone who treats you like crap? Feel pity or compassion (depending on whether you think she can improve), but love? Please get some counseling to figure out why you would question yourself in such a situation. As PCkN says, focus on yourself--you cannot save her from her self or make her love you. Be there for the daughter--but learn to set boundaries so your daughter learns what it looks like when someone has self-respect and insists on it from others. I suspect she needs a really good role model in this regard and that could be you. Good luck.


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## pioneer (May 28, 2010)

sisters,

I'm not still not thinking too straight right now.

As for loving her, I don't know why, but I do. It sure feels like love. 

My daughter has told my MIL(with whom I am really close), that she respects me for all that I have done. Of course a 16 yo girl, will not tell her dad this. 

It is extremely hard. Esp, when I have been with this woman for over 12 years. I honestly thought that we were on the path for everything to be right in the world with us. 

My MIL has been extremely supportive of me and says that she is embarrassed of my wife, for her conduct.

Could this be a mid life crisis, to where she feels that she needs to be on her own for awhile? This is what my MIL is thinking. My question is that how can she be on her own, when she depends on me for her support?

I think that when it comes to my wife, I've been a sucker for far too long. ALWAYS bailing her out of her legal problems. Giving in to her every whim...... Just to note, as far as I know she has never been unfaithful. I wanted to be fair to her on this one.

I reckon that I wear my heart on my sleeve and am too nice of guy. I need to change that.

My wife and I have separate insurance policies for our vehicles, from her screw ups. Her latest mis adventure comes off next month. Just today, she actually asked me if she could have our truck next month for awhile.... Ummm.... No.... As long as this crap is going on, I'm keeping the insurance separate. She is not living with me, treating me like crap, stealing from me, rejecting me, so I refuse to combine the auto policies.

I am hoping against hope that we will work out and grow old together. I don't know though. It's hard. 

I just don't know at this point. Everything is still raw, fresh and I hurt all the time.


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

It took me a while to get here and I am still working on my self. I have no idea what is going on with my H because we haven't talked at all. No wait yes we did but it was just about our bills. And I am assuming that things have not changed for him because otherwise, he would have said something. I don't expect him to change anytime soon, it took me years to learn from my behavior. He still hasn't asked me for a divorce yet so that gives me hope. The hope I will is not coming from me, but from God. Believe me I have been wanting to give up on my H so many times because as someone else said. "why would you want to be with a person that treats you wrong?" The answer is is because God want us to have faith. Faith that God will restore our marriage if we come to Him and with his guidance. I have just learn all of this myself, and BOY what a weight off my shoulders! 

But honestly, the only thing that has changed me is my love for God. When I came in terms with him I started to feel at peace. I forgave my H for hurting me so much, and I forgive myself for not reacting sooner. I am truly happy that God has saved me from myself and taught me what unconditional love is. Therefore I know that as a child of God I must also love my H unconditionally for who he is. If my H is doing me wrong by being with another woman, God will seek justice. Not me. My conscious will be clear because God will know that I did the righteous thing by fighting for my marriage. So yes I am still hopeful 

I hope that you as well learn to find yourself in this whole situation as well. It is gonna take time, too much thinking too much pondering. If you need anyone to talk to because I know how what it's like feel free to PM or just keeping chatting away here. This has been my journey, it is not over yet. Keep working on yourself, and no matter what, always be loving to your wife, kill her with kindness but DO NOT let her walk all over you. You seem like a nice guy and if she didn't work out for you, better things lie ahead.


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## pioneer (May 28, 2010)

I have a feeling that this is going to be a very long journey for me.

I don't want to give up hope yet, but at some point if things don't change, or it stays like it is, then I will have to move on. Life is too short as it is.

I have several people already telling me this and to seek someone else to be with. They've suggested bars and nightclubs.... Meh... No thanks... I don't like bars or nightclubs. Been there, done that and it's not for me. I like an occasional beer every now and then ( a six pack will usually last me a year! LOL!!), but definately not the bar scene. 

I cannot do that. I'm not the type just to forget 12 years and seek another.

It would not be fair to my marriage, which I hope to recover. It would not be fair to me or to whomever I would discover. How can I possibly give anything meaningful to someone else, when my heart and soul lays here in my marriage?

Like you, my conscious will be clear, as I will have done everything within my power to make this marriage successful. But, I will not be taken advantage of no more.

I thank you kindly for the kind words. 

I must say that I think your husband is being foolish. You are a gem. If he knows what is good, he will come back to you, if that is your wish.

If my marriage wasn't meant to be, then perhaps I will discover the one special lady that I was born to love. I'm not in any rush! LOL!!!


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## pioneer (May 28, 2010)

I did take my motorcycle out for a ride today (first time in quite awhile). 25 miles.... Just a short ride... But, it did feel good... Just me, the road, the feel of acceleration of my bike and the wind whipping around me.....

Had a good time for a little while.....


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

pioneer said:


> I did take my motorcycle out for a ride today (first time in quite awhile). 25 miles.... Just a short ride... But, it did feel good... Just me, the road, the feel of acceleration of my bike and the wind whipping around me.....
> 
> Had a good time for a little while.....


That's great! 

For some reason I have been depriving myself of having a good time, only because everything I enjoy I did it with him (sigh). So I have to look for other hobbies. What kind of bike do you have, not that I know stuff lol

I want a moped lol or a chopper


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## pioneer (May 28, 2010)

I have a Honda Rebel 250. I love it! I'm still a noob about riding, so I get really nervous in traffic. So, I thought it would be best to start out on a smaller bike. Although I like my bike so much, I'll probably always have a Rebel. And to tell the truth, it fits me so perfectly.

It sure is a lotta fun!

You should get yourself a scooter, or a look into getting yourself a Honda Rebel. The scooters have a automatic transmission, if you don't know how to shift gears. But, shifting is really easy once you practice a day or so. Don't deprive yourself of something you want. Life is too short. We only go around this world once.

Bit of advice, please please take the Motorcycle Safety Foundation basic rider course. It usually takes 3 days to complete. But, the course itself is lots of fun. I know in Ohio the course is $25.


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