# Was I a Chump for waiting so long???



## maastricht789 (Jan 26, 2015)

Looking for others who may have gone through the same thing as me .... or am I the lone idiot?

Background:
Married 22 years, now in final stages of divorce process. yeah

Since 2002 or thereabouts, there was little intimacy (no sex of any kind). Obviously during that period, I would ask my ex what was wrong. To be fair, I always attributed her withdrawal to the many family issues on her side. (Mother got cancer and then developed PArkinsons to name a few). I backed off ...continuing to be supportive, go to work, be with kids, etc. 

About 10 years ago, the shock of my life came. While at dinner alone with my ex-wife, I insisted on finding out what was wrong with her. 

Words still resonate to this very day. "I'm not in love with you anymore. In fact, I guess I was never in love with you ... like a wife should love a husband. I love you but more as a father figure".

Without going into with all the details.

For the next 10 years, I basically lived in this environment. I continued to work where I travel about 40% of the time, was always the good Dad, coached both kids in baseball and basketball until HS.

I figured if I gave her space....she would realize what she had...I am a good guy, good provider, good Dad...and we could repair the marriage. 

To my disappointment, couples counselling was not option because she said "there was nothing to repair since it never existed".

So, 4 years ago, I began to "go out" .... not lying to my ex-wife.
3 years ago we hired lawyers to begin divorce proceedings. 

I know this is water over the damn now....am I a chump for waiting so long.


----------



## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

maastricht789 said:


> Looking for others who may have gone through the same thing as me .... or am I the lone idiot?
> 
> Background:
> Married 22 years, now in final stages of divorce process. yeah
> ...


Usually I encourage people to keep everything on one thread, but in this case it may be better to have a seperate one because this is a whole different issue. I suspect this issue is the culprit for your GF...she perhaps senses you are not over your ex. 2.5 years in dovorce would indicate you are waiting and hoping your wife changes her feelings. 

You are not a chump for trying to make your marriage work. But, you have to accept it's over and move on. You have a GF that you say you love, why are you throwing that away for someone who does not love you?


----------



## Meltherapist (Feb 25, 2010)

You are certainly not a “chump for waiting so long”. In fact I think your experience is very normal for the couples I have worked with who are divorcing. Divorce is a devastating loss, so individuals need time to grieve and be ready to let go; and you are ready when you are ready. You can never jump over time in these emotional matters. Be kind and compassionate to yourself as you adjust to the change. The stages of grief people go through when they deal with divorce are typically disorganization, reorganization and new normal. There is a great book that talks more about this called: Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends, by Bruce Fisher- you may find this helpful.

Thinking of you at this difficult time


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Well, your girlfriend would probably say you waited too long and that's why she's taking a break now -- but that can't be changed. 

I don't believe in regrets. You did what you felt was best at the time. As I said in your other thread, maybe your girlfriend will return after your divorce is final and maybe she won't. That's up to her. But you have the rest of your life to live regardless of what she does. Don't look back. Move ahead.


----------



## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

No you stayed hoping things would get better and to be there for your children, now you can move on and find someone who loves you.


----------

