# lost



## Aileen (Sep 13, 2012)

i find myself starting my post with "I never thought I would be posting on a website like this" but that just shows how very unaware, naieve, asleep I have been. To start from the start, after nearly 10 years marriage and having children but still in early 30s, my husband who I thought, like me, was just shattered from small children and long hours of work started to become very angry and cross. I asked him a few times what was up but no answer. i eventually found out only last week that he is deeply unhappy with me, marriage, work, everything and to top it off he couldnt talk to me about it so he went online and got some advice but ended up becoming close to one of the people posting....I am in complete shock but i dont want to talk to anybody I know as then I would have to listen to their opinions "against" him and then this becomes very very real. As it stands my husband was shocked at my reaction, basically I was devasted but he didnt think i would be too bothered.....I am devastated, deeply hurt and im so upset by the lies, what he did, the fact that he felt he had to, and the worst part is he is still at home with us, but he doesnt know what he wants. i always thought if a man did something like this to me he would be gone but it aint that easy when it happens. (he has promised that he only text and telephoned this woman and doesnt know very much about who she is, that they only talked etc because they had a common problem, spouses that didnt "get" them anymore ...but do I believe this) Do i fight for him or do I let him go. any advice please please please.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Of course you should STILL fight for him! You two have 10 years invested in your family.

Obviously your H is stressed out and unhappy trying to deal with work, marriage, life in general. He texted and phoned a woman that he met online on a forum for people that is NOT unlike TAM. So what he did is BASICALLY what you're doing here, but then he took it a step further and texted/talked with her in the "real world." Doesn't sound like an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR, just a lot of venting and commisserating with each other.

Are you angrier that he talked/texted with this woman in the "real world" or are you angrier that he is angry/cross, deeply unhappy with you, your marriage, his job, his life in general and doesn't know what he wants? I'm thinking it's the latter.

You BOTH need to get into marriage counseling IMMEDIATELY. Your H also needs to get into INDIVIDUAL COUNSELING IMMEDIATELY. This is DEFINITELY something that you two can work through as a couple IF (and only if) both you and your husband are WILLING to do the hard work it will take to keep your family together.

Good luck to you and I hope you will BOTH get into counselling NOW and straighten things out for the sake of your family.


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## Aileen (Sep 13, 2012)

thanks _Slowlygettingwiser_ its good to get a reply that says exactly what Im thinking....Im not so much angry anymore...I was of course at the start but after talking for hours I understand that he thought we were "over"...so I am trying to let that go, and I hope Im not being a fool for believing its just texting and talking for support. He told me what was said and there were compliments made and a photo exchanged.....that really hurts, but I really dont want to loose him...and Im willing to fight for him, but I wont fight against him ...if he wants to go. But him being here and still "working out what he wants"...I just hope Im not being made a complete fool of.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

How's your sex life?


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## Aileen (Sep 13, 2012)

Drover ...I think that short sentence is what you might call hitting the nail on the head. I am kicking myself now but I let that side of things slide, a combination of young children, one very young, and the resulting body issues and lack of confidence, equals a very very forgotten sex life.....i forgot it, i forgot him, guilty as charged, i have held my hands up and acknowledged that and we can work on that....we really can, I guess I was stupid enough to think I could get back in shape and we would recover our sex life when our youngest was a bit older......i didnt realise just how important it was. I do now!!!


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Aileen said:


> Drover ...I think that short sentence is what you might call hitting the nail on the head. I am kicking myself now but I let that side of things slide, a combination of young children, one very young, and the resulting body issues and lack of confidence, equals a very very forgotten sex life.....i forgot it, i forgot him, guilty as charged, i have held my hands up and acknowledged that and we can work on that....we really can, I guess I was stupid enough to think I could get back in shape and we would recover our sex life when our youngest was a bit older......i didnt realise just how important it was. I do now!!!


That's why I asked it. 

This happens a lot. Don't put all the blame on you. He probably did some things that killed your desire for him without either of you even knowing it. Then when stopped giving him the vagina, he probably got moody and resentful and passive aggressive. Then you really didn't feel any desire for sex with him. It's an ugly cycle. Fortunately, it's easily fixed once you're both on board. Start having regular sex. In turn, he'll start being a better husband, happier and much moire willing to take care of the things you need him to. The point is, you can both change your behavior to give the other what you need.

Remember that men connect through sex. Women connect first, then want sex. When you shut off the sex, to him it's like he's lost the love.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Aileen, in time, hopefully you'll come to feel that this horrible discovery can be turned into the wake-up call your marriage needs so your next decade together is even better than the first one.


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## Aileen (Sep 13, 2012)

thanks guys....i think I just needed a bit of encouragement and to relieve the burden of carrying this alone....If i talk to a friend or family i will taint their opinion of him forever and I will have to live with that no matter what happens. i agree that lack of sex life really was the start of this ....but thats something that we, I , can try fix straight away. I need to show him that Im still the girl he fell for all those years ago and that i just lost my way.....I got lost.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Aileen said:


> thanks guys....i think I just needed a bit of encouragement and to relieve the burden of carrying this alone....If i talk to a friend or family i will taint their opinion of him forever and I will have to live with that no matter what happens. i agree that lack of sex life really was the start of this ....but thats something that we, I , can try fix straight away. I need to show him that Im still the girl he fell for all those years ago and that i just lost my way.....I got lost.


Don't take all the blame for this. I'm sure you didn't just decide to not want sex with him anymore. It's still up to him to change behavior and take care of what you need him to take care of.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm going to assume he has stopped ALL contact with the other woman. True? If you're not sure, you have to make sure. You can't fix this by yourself, he has to be a willing participant. And I don't think he can if there is a 3rd person involved


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## Aileen (Sep 13, 2012)

I know rj700 I know....I always thought I knew him so well but now that he was able to lie about this, I dont know how to tell anymore so I need to find out.......I need to think about that one, how to approach the subject again...


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## Aileen (Sep 13, 2012)

just picked him up from the pub. he went at 5pm for a few hours. i went home and managed the Sunday evening prep for school tomorrow and was hoping he would come home and we could sit down together and watch tv. I genuinely realised we had no milk so drove to the shop and contacted him enroute to say i was on my way to where he was and I could collect him. He said he would ring me back and then text to say it was ok he was getting a lift. Why should I sit at home worried sick about our marriage going down the swaney and he is drinking with his friends in the pub....so I saw red and asked him to come out of the pub to talk to me. When he did I asked him if he thought this was fair. So it all kicked off on the way home and I just feel now that he never wanted to fix this...he just wants to go and hasnt the guts to tell me and he is, maybe, just giving me time to get used to the idea. So we got home and I just said look its like this, im not willing to change if its only me thats going to put in the work, he cant go on staying the same and me jumping through hoops to hold onto him. Thats not going to work. It kicked off into an argument and bare in mind he has been drinking now for 5 hours....so he went to bed. And im sitting here thinking ...do I really deep down think this is all i deserve in life. And then my head spins with things like my children, money, the reality of people knowing, how will i cope, can I cope. I need to scream, I need to go away and hide, put my head under the pillow and let the world pass me by for a few days ...but I have to go to bed now, lay out my childrens clothes for school, their lunches packed....I have to keep being Mammy, I have to keep going, I have to. ( so very lost and alone)


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Aileen - I'm really sorry your going through this. I can understand your fears. 

Can I ask how old your children are?

Can the two of you get to MC? If he's been feeling sex starved for some years he may have resentments by the bucket load and it will take time and commitment to repair that.

At this stage I would simply reiterate your love for him & willingness to do whatever you need to to save the marriage. He must end his EA and work along side you.

Fairs fair... your can't fix your marriage with this third person in it.

Try and get sleep and eat properly and get out for some exercise... Mammy needs to stay healthy and well!


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Hi - please stay strong for your children.

Your husband is cheating with this other woman. He is having an emotional affair & may be physical. If you ask the mods to move this thread to the CWI forum, you will get lots of advice.

Please do not blame yourself that he is cheating. It is NOT your fault. If he was unhappy in the marriage, then he should have discussed it with you, not another woman. 

You cannot beg him out of the affair. It will just push him further away.


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