# Divorce and a spouse with Bi-Polar



## sms410 (Aug 5, 2012)

I am currently in the process of divorcing my husband who has been diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder. Over the past year, we tried everything (i.e counseling,seperating,etc). Nothing seemed to be working. He also had an extremely avoidant type personality when it came to communication which didn't make it any easier. I spent nights alone after we would have an argument and he would just shut down, leave, turn his phone off, go out who knows where/with who. Only to either come home late, drunk and/or not at all. I also found out that he had been going to gay clubs and when I brought up the topic of sexuality he would get irate and disregard it all. I tried to be as patient, non-judgemental and understanding as I could but it was like every fiber in my body was telling me to 'run for the hills'. There was a time during one of his manic states that he went out all night came home, locked a door and when i unlocked the door and it hit him he called the police on me (thankfully the truth came out and it was dismissed), but it could have potentially ruined my future plans for career advancement. Needless to say after a year of an absolute rollarcoaster I put my foot down. I told my husband that if this out of control behavior/avoidant behavior didn't stop I was going to leave, he said,"i will do everything to make this work, I love you more than anything". Of course, two days later another incident. I finally told him I was moving out and he checked himself into a behavior health unit. We decided to move forward together when he was discharged and no more than 4 days later the same events were occuring, I finally told him "I don't want to be married any longer, I love you, however I cannot go on with my life this way. It's physically and mentally draining." He checked himself into another unit and for some reason I'm still left with this small glint of guilt. I know it is not my fault for his behavior but I cannot be with a partner who I have to 'mommy'. My job transition that will take place within the next year will involve alot of time away and I can't be worried about this emotional turmoil spiral like I have been going through the past year. I need to move on and focus on my happiness because I have been spending the last year taking care/trying to understand and accomodate his. My question is, has anyone had this small sense of guilt once they have left a partner with BPD? :scratchhead:


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I used to be a roller coaster basket case. I wouldn't blame anyone for never speaking to me or admitting they know me ever again. Not their fault, not yours. You can't fix crazy.


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## sms410 (Aug 5, 2012)

you are right, no one can 'fix' crazy..well put.


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## stupidGuy (Jul 13, 2012)

hello sms410

my wife went through a couple of BP episodes roughly ten years ago (there is a history of BPD in her family). I know, it is hell. It is a key point, I think, to realize that BPD is not the person beeing bad or irresponsible or whathever, he is "just" somebody whose cerebral metabolism is sometimes not functioning properly (people tend to push this condition to far into the psychic corner when it also has distinct somatic components). Of course this line of seeing the problem doesnt makes it any much more easy for you to live with him but it helped me to forgive for all sorts of things my wife did in her manic episodes. 

Is your husband beeing diagnosed by a psychiatrist? Is he having some sort of treatment? It is important to know that there is very effective drugs (e.g. mood stabilizers) to deal with BPD (of course they need to be administred by a professional and with a proper diagnosis beforehand etc.). My wife for example was diagnosed a _severe_ BPD but the right medication helped her alot and after only two years of treatmement she was off meds and stable for the next ten years and ongoing...


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

BPD and Bipolar are not the same thing

Please learn the differences and tell us which one your husband has been diagnosed with.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

synthetic said:


> BPD and Bipolar are not the same thing
> 
> Please learn the differences and tell us which one your husband has been diagnosed with.


He's bipolar as she discusses his manic state. 

To the OP left untreated these type people are impossible to live with. My sister is bipolar. She swings from severe bed ridden depression to manic phases that involve sex, overspending and crazy over the top projects or goals. She's liable to wake up and decide to take off out of town or to paint the entire house in a day. 3 weeks later she hates everyone. It's an insane way to live.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

What's the key difference between the two?


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## stupidGuy (Jul 13, 2012)

I didnt know that BPD is standard to abbreviate BorderlinePersonalityDisorder in English. I think everybody (I sure did) in this thread used the letters BPD toabbreviate for BiPolarDisorder (manic-depressive disorder). Sorry for any misunderstanding (English is not my first language (neither it is my second  ))


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Lifescript said:


> What's the key difference between the two?


Bipolar people swing between manic and depressive phases. For a few weeks they are incredibly happy to the nth degree. While in manic phases they do some crazy stuff. Total extremes then they swing to depression where they withdraw and talk to no one. 

Borderlines are narcissistic type people who have a lot of repressed anger. They are prone to rage. They fear being engulfed and abandoned by others. Their message is love me/go away and they are pissed that you don't know which one to do when.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

To the OP,

Was your spouse on any medication?


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