# What part of Pre-Divorce you do you miss?



## SamuraiJack

What part of you (before the divorce) do you miss?

For me, it is the ability to love without doubt.
All of my relationships now have a finality or temporary quality about them that I was never conscious of before.
I have become cautious in love.

That may be good or bad, but I miss (sort of...meh..) the ability to blindly love and trust. I feel like the divorce took away some of the innocence and trust in people. In the same breath, I am grateful for the wisdom it brings.

What do YOU miss about your pre-divorce self?


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## Openminded

I once was able to trust. But not now. For that reason, I'm not interested in a long-term relationship. Casual dating is all I can manage at this point but I'm happy with my new life and don't miss being in a serious relationship.


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## Greg1515

The simplicity of how I viewed life.

Realizing that everyone lives by their own set of rules has kind of made life seem a little less "fair" for those of us who tried to be nice to everyone we met.

I miss hearing "Love is complicated" and telling myself (ppfftt no it's not). Heh, how wrong I was. I miss that blissful ignorance sometimes.


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## Married but Happy

I have to think _really far back _to answer this one. I'd say it's the dating different people.


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## Ceegee

Good topic SJ. 

Difficult to answer without triggering. 

Confidence - being able to take on the world with the love of my life by my side. 

Cooperation- doing what's best for the good of the family. 

Provider - working my arse off the provide for the family. 

Optimism - working toward common goals for our future. 

Pride - beautiful wife and beautiful family full of love. 

Innocence - blind faith. A world without secrets. A world without TAM and it's WW, OM, OMW acronyms. 

Love - being able to love fully. 100%. Never-ending supply. No matter what we were going through. 

A map for codependency? Maybe. 

It's gone now, but I miss it.


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## SepticChange

I agreed with what you all said.


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## EnjoliWoman

You know, Cee Gee, as the saying goes " 'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all".

Married to a narc I know I was never loved - coveted yes, but not loved. I don't think I really loved him - I married on an impulse way too soon before I knew his true personality. So part of me is quite envious of those who have experienced it. Yes, it was very painful for you. My divorce was, too, in a different way but I haven't felt that all-encompassing joy and warmth from a giving OR receiving standpoint.


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## Pluto2

I miss the sense of collaboration you could have doing things with your partner, whether it was around the house or something more intimate. 

I miss believing that love was enough to get through anything.


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## Ynot

Reading some of these responses, which for the most part I agree with, only reinforces what I said on the other thread about faking indifference and happiness. Do any of us ever really recover? 
Again I am not being confrontational or argumentative, I am asking because I want to know. I am struggling with reconciling these feelings into my life. I truly wonder if I will ever be able to enjoy life again. At the moment I don't.


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## Ceegee

EnjoliWoman said:


> You know, Cee Gee, as the saying goes " 'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all".
> .



Smoke and mirrors. 

To be lied to and cheated on? 

Then the smear campaign to discredit me, preemptively, to anyone that I just might share the truth with?

How can you love someone that would do that to you?

Makes you question whether it was ever really love at all. 

To have loved means you have memories of a love of someone who tortured you for years. Then finally drove the dagger right through your heart, not killing you but leaving battered and bruised; emotionally handicapped for years.


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## indiecat

I miss the fantasy that he had my back. The fantasy that he respected me too much to cheat on me.


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## Jellybeans

Believing in the elusive marriage lasting "forever."

What a crock of sh*t.


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## Fenix

Interesting question. I am with enjoli to a certain extent. I was married to a narc and didn't know it. 

I can honestly say that I do not miss anything about my old self. I lost myself when I married. I now have myself back and it feels so good. The only thing I miss is the the thought that my family as a cohesive unit...and that is for the sake of my children. We weren't cohesive. The children and I were just trophies for his image of a successful life. The family never came first...and his children still don't.


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## Greg1515

Ynot said:


> Reading some of these responses, which for the most part I agree with, only reinforces what I said on the other thread about faking indifference and happiness. Do any of us ever really recover?
> Again I am not being confrontational or argumentative, I am asking because I want to know. I am struggling with reconciling these feelings into my life. I truly wonder if I will ever be able to enjoy life again. At the moment I don't.


I don't speak for all when I say this: once the initial despair of not being wanted anymore fades away and resentment settles in, we focus our anger at our eX. Then conclude it's their actions, not them that we're actually upset at. Ultimately what we fail to realize is that what we truly hate is not our eX or their actions... it's what we became because of them. 

However it takes time to realize we've become tempered & wiser. That's the key phase. Because it's when we realize we've regained control of our lives. And given the opportunity our new found wisdom is going to come in handy. It is then, I think, that we are able to enjoy life again.

I have dealt with many hardships in my life, but never had I been brought down to my knees with my will broken until my xW left me. Believe me when I say, Nobody will ever do that to me again. That doesn't mean I won't love again. It simply means I will never entrust my happiness to anyone other than myself (as I believe it should be).


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## arbitrator

*In two words, "trust" and "validation!"

All that I can really say is, that for someone who has always had a huge heart, the size of that heart, at times, seems summarily diminished!*


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## SepticChange

"Better to have love and lost than never loved".... I disagree. Though I don't fully regret my short marriage: he pushed me out into the world bringing new experiences that I otherwise would have never had the nerve to do on my own. That I thank him for and I even told him that. But aside from that, I miss being the never-loved single girl watching from the sidelines as friends battled relationship/marriage issues and all those ups and downs and thinking: that suuuuuucks! But no, I fell and I definitely learned but I could have done without this lesson and continued being that young girl who just dreams about love. Not the dreams I have now about him stabbing me in the heart. Oh hell no. Maybe I'm being dramatic but it sometimes gets to where I get so down about it that I sit there and think about how I possibly could have wronged somebody in my past for "karma" to hit me now and do this. Like, what did I do? Payback for that guy I teased in school? For causing a wreck that I walked away from but left someone hurt? What?! 

Just venting. This is actually the first time I've openly admitted to thinking that this is some kind of payback for me. Life is sick like that, ya know?


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## Chuck71

SepticChange said:


> "Better to have love and lost than never loved".... I disagree.


I used to disagree too. But not now. I can say "the ride was worth the fall."'

I can't say that fully with the XW. I can with 1st love and UG.

One thing I still miss from the XW is the unspoken communication.

Certain look...she didn't have to say a thing. Those "gotcha" moments out

of nowhere.


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## Fenix

Greg1515 said:


> I don't speak for all when I say this: once the initial despair of not being wanted anymore fades away and resentment settles in, we focus our anger at our eX. Then conclude it's their actions, not them that we're actually upset at. Ultimately what we fail to realize is that what we truly hate is not our eX or their actions... it's what we became because of them.
> 
> However it takes time to realize we've become tempered & wiser. That's the key phase. Because it's when we realize we've regained control of our lives. And given the opportunity our new found wisdom is going to come in handy. It is then, I think, that we are able to enjoy life again.
> 
> I have dealt with many hardships in my life, but never had I been brought down to my knees with my will broken until my xW left me. Believe me when I say, Nobody will ever do that to me again. That doesn't mean I won't love again. It simply means I will never entrust my happiness to anyone other than myself (as I believe it should be).


I am not sure that I am understanding what you are saying. When I hit quote, I thought I knew but may be not...

Anyway, I trust myself to be able to recover, move on and learn if I should get hurt again. That is what this experience has taught me. It has taught me just how resilient and tough I am. Now, I don't know how that coincides with entrusting my happiness to someone else. I haven't really thought about it in those terms. I worked hard on allowing myself to remain open and vulnerable. I think that only by allowing someone in can you reach happiness and a full love (gosh, that sounds goofy!) For me, the risk is worth it, but that is because I trust that I have the strength to handle a negative outcome.


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## Greg1515

Fenix said:


> I am not sure that I am understanding what you are saying. When I hit quote, I thought I knew but may be not...
> 
> Anyway, I trust myself to be able to recover, move on and learn if I should get hurt again. That is what this experience has taught me. It has taught me just how resilient and tough I am. Now, I don't know how that coincides with entrusting my happiness to someone else. I haven't really thought about it in those terms. I worked hard on allowing myself to remain open and vulnerable. I think that only by allowing someone in can you reach happiness and a full love (gosh, that sounds goofy!) For me, the risk is worth it, but that is because I trust that I have the strength to handle a negative outcome.


In regards to the happiness part, I used to plead to my wife "Please don't leave, I can't make sense of my life without you. I can't be happy without you in my life". It was unfair (in my opinion) to depend on anyone else for my happiness. Yes, we should allow people into our lives and our hearts. But the moment you convince yourself that your partner is a mandatory element for achieving your own happiness (like I did), is the moment I think we lose our identity in a relationship. 

I guess I respectfully disagree with your assessment of only reaching happiness by allowing someone in. (Looking back) I think that happiness should come from within ourselves. Our faith. Our passion. And that we make a relationship strong by sharing that happiness mutually. However this is merely my opinion. Not an absolute truth. It's my reality based on my experience which I'm happily sharing because I've learned so much from these forums and I felt the need to give back whenever I could.


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## Holland

I sat here for 5 minutes trying to think of an answer. Apart from my kids having both their parents under one roof there is nothing I really miss.

Maybe because I am 5 years down the track and all I wanted post divorce I have found. Life pre divorce is just another part of my past that is exactly that, past.


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## unsure78

I agree with most of the others here...its almost an innocence lost in the ability to ever fully trust or have full vulnerability again...knowing now no relationships are forever...and never being able to go back from taking the little red pill that is OM, OW, WS, and all the collective knowledge that is TAM.


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## Wolf1974

The ability to completly let my guard down. To not expect the other shoe to drop.


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## Ceegee

Jellybeans said:


> Believing in the elusive marriage lasting "forever."
> 
> What a crock of sh*t.



Call me naive. 

I still believe in this.


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## Holland

Ceegee said:


> Call me naive.
> 
> I still believe in this.


I believe it can but at the same time I think marriage should be a renewable contract so we stop setting people up for failure.


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## honcho

I feel I had more confidence, I was more driven because I thought we had a common goal. My happiness was never dependent on her but what makes me happy doesn't bring me as much joy as it used to.

I miss sharing both the good times and bad with someone, the ability to let my guard down and actually be vulnerable with someone. I had never had that luxury before.


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## Ceegee

Holland said:


> I believe it can but at the same time I think marriage should be a renewable contract so we stop setting people up for failure.



All due respect, I believe a renewable contract sets people up for failure.


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## Holland

Fair enough, everyone has equal rights to their POV. I do wonder though if a renewable contract would make "some" people work harder at marriage. So many stories of a spouse not getting their act into gear until the other files for divorce. If people knew the contract was renewable then they may well keep their game up all the time, much like contracts in other areas of life.

Anyway each to their own, I would happily sign one.


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## honcho

Ceegee said:


> All due respect, I believe a renewable contract sets people up for failure.


How about a simple buy-out option :lol:

A friend of mine who recently married set up a pre-nup. They don't have a great deal of assets or anything but they felt that having to take a look at where they are at every couple of years and revamping the pre-nup as needed would remind them of what they each have to lose if they don't work on issues that may creep up during the marriage. 

I don't know if that's an answer either really but the notion behind it seemed worthwhile.


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## stillhoping

This post is exactly what I was thinking about today. I miss being part of a couple. I miss trusting that the promises made to me were going to be forever. I miss the ease of being with my kids without them having to worry about who they were spending time with, who they told stories to, who gets the "holiday". I miss my in-laws terribly. I miss my ex. I don't miss all the problems in our marriage and his lack of willingness to do anything about them, but he knew me for 30 years. There isn't anyone else in my life who knows all that he knows about me. And it makes me crazy to think about trusting someone else to let them into my life. I may not be alone the rest of my life, but I likely won't be in a permanent relationship again


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## 2ntnuf

me


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## Ceegee

2ntnuf said:


> me



More than likely more you now than you were at the end.


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## 2ntnuf

Ceegee said:


> More than likely more you now than you were at the end.


I don't know what this means.


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## Ceegee

2ntnuf said:


> I don't know what this means.


Looks like that 3rd glass of wine affected my thinking last night.


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## FrustratedFL

I miss the ability to trust. 

The infidelity was the most emotional thing I have ever had to deal with in my life. The divorce was incredibly eye opening since exH abandoned us. He completely went dark, like we did not exist in his life. He took the coward way out of the marriage which made me have to step up and do everything to settle the 18 yr marriage. 

I now look back at the last two years as a traumatic blur that I survived. Like PTSD! I am not whole yet, but have laughter in my life, a great daughter, friends and a job that I am grateful to have.


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## Hardtohandle

SamuraiJack said:


> What part of you (before the divorce) do you miss?
> 
> For me, it is the ability to love without doubt.
> All of my relationships now have a finality or temporary quality about them that I was never conscious of before.
> I have become cautious in love.
> 
> That may be good or bad, but I miss (sort of...meh..) the ability to blindly love and trust. I feel like the divorce took away some of the innocence and trust in people. In the same breath, I am grateful for the wisdom it brings.



I could not have said it better.. This is exactly how I feel.

Don't get me wrong I can love someone, but it just isn't the same.. Its like I am waiting for the floor to drop off under it so I am always braced inside for the emotions..


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## SamuraiJack

"Before the divorce I was a shovel. I was a servicable tool that I felt had great utility and could stand for long periods of work. I was faithful and always there.
The divorce took me and placed me in a furnace of human emotions and I was heated, beaten, flattened and distorted beyond recognition. I could have been anything, as I was not paying attention to the intent, but the brutalness of the hammer and the anvil.
I was remade many times and it was not until I finally took hold of my smith's hand that I was able to guide myself into becoming the fine tomahawk I am today.

Be it at play, work, or war, I stand ready to be the most versatile and elegant steel I can be.

In some ways I very much miss being a simple shovel and knowing nothing but the dirt, but I can never go back to that. Its too much of a luxury to be ignorant of the possibilities around me and the potential fate of all I touch.

I am now a finely crafted, multipurpose object.
I have tasted many more textures than simple dirt and I have worked in mediums I have never dreamed of.
I find this to my liking."

This is a passage from a letter to my old psychologist...some days I do miss being a shovel...but only a tiny bit.


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## Chuck71

After grad school.... I wanted to know so many things, so I searched

after finding the answers...the bare boned truth....sometimes I wish I did not

know certain things. But isn't that like Neo and the blue or red pill?

The truth may almost kill you inside...but it removes the "veil" of deception


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## M&M214

The only thing I miss from before my divorce is having my children every holiday and every weekend. I miss my children when they go with their dad. But I know they are having fun and I do my best to make up for lost time when they are home. I have also taught my self to have fun when they are gone. I don't miss anything about my Ex or our life together I am much happier now. But he was not a good husband and divorce for me was a blessing.


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## Ceegee

Holland said:


> Fair enough, everyone has equal rights to their POV. I do wonder though if a renewable contract would make "some" people work harder at marriage. So many stories of a spouse not getting their act into gear until the other files for divorce. If people knew the contract was renewable then they may well keep their game up all the time, much like contracts in other areas of life.
> 
> Anyway each to their own, I would happily sign one.



When I hear renewable contracts I think about the NFL. 

Talented players mailing it in in the non-contract season then ramping it up when it's time for renewal. 

It's obvious their motivation has nothing to do with the team and everything to do with a payout. Once they get it they skate again. 

Marriage shouldn't be this way as it is much more important than anything else one might ascribe a contract to. 

Anyway, I don't view marriage as any sort on contract. As a Christian I see it as a covenant between a man, woman and God. 

But you may be right, it might make "some" people work harder.


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## Wolf1974

Hardtohandle said:


> I could not have said it better.. This is exactly how I feel.
> 
> Don't get me wrong I can love someone, but it just isn't the same.. Its like I am waiting for the floor to drop off under it so I am always braced inside for the emotions..


Yep my friend was bracing me for a long talk the other day. Wanting to know why I just assumed my realtionship to my current Gf will end one day. So she asked

Why do you just assume it will end. She could be the "one"

My one word response said it best

"Experience"


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## dajam

There are a multitude of things I miss. Companionship, trust, a foundation, long term bragging rights, having someone with common goals, the daily events we took for granted, the color of morning humor, Simple and goofy things that only loving couples know about. The silly disagreements that caused that little bit of tension leading to great sex. April fools tricks, holiday with all the family.. I did like the dual income... I do miss the vacations.

Although love and trust were broken, I know I can have both again. One thing for sure I have to be happy before "we" can be happy.


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## Kerosene Hat

Ceegee said:


> A map for codependency? Maybe.


If it's constructive, it's inter-dependency...different way to view the coin. Key is to figure out which is which, I guess. Which I am still doing.


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## Fam06

There are plenty of things I miss. Companionship, compassion, intimacy with with that special person and seeing my son everyday etc..
It's still fresh for me to loose what you though was your wife, best friend and soulmate. 
I will get through this, it's the only way.


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## 2ntnuf

dajam said:


> There are a multitude of things I miss. Companionship, trust, a foundation, long term bragging rights, *having someone with common goals*, the daily events we took for granted, the color of morning humor, Simple and goofy things that only loving couples know about. The silly disagreements that caused that little bit of tension leading to great sex. April fools tricks, holiday with all the family.. I did like the dual income... I do miss the vacations.
> 
> Although love and trust were broken, I know I can have both again. One thing for sure I have to be happy before "we" can be happy.


This is a lie I tell myself to justify not letting go. It negates all of the rest, except love. However, that love is not the kind that makes a strong long-term marriage. 

If there were common goals, we likely would have spent years working together, rather than years working individually to change the dynamics of the relationship.


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