# Who do you believe in a he-said/she-said incident?



## T1215 (May 27, 2015)

My husband and I have been happily married for 12 years and have 2 young children, our main marriage issue over the years being H and my family of origin not getting along (both sides at fault). H has never given me reason to believe he would cheat. However, one evening we were drinking with my brother and his wife (my sister-in-law). Neither me nor H are big drinkers (usually 2 drinks tops), but on this rare occasion I drank to much and passed out. My brother went to bed and H and SIL stayed up drinking by themselves (H has never stayed up with a woman before). Two days later my brother was being downright mean to H, and that night H confessed that SIL hit on him after I passed out. He said that she took her sweatshirt off and grabbed his crotch and said "we could do it in the mud room". Her baby cried and she left to tend to baby. He bolted for the guest room I was sleeping in and came to bed. A few minutes later she came into our room, again grabbed his crotch as he was laying in bed and said "come on". He told her to get out and then heard her yelling at my brother. My husbands story was just so unbelievable (who would grab a man's crotch if he was laying in bed with his wife?). I then got my SIL side of the story. She said that she was hot and took off her sweatshirt, wearing a tight tank top on underneath. H grabbed her boob, saying it was "luscious" (he has used this word with me once or twice, she would not know this). Then she waited a minute b/c she wanted to see what he was going to do next. He took her hand and put it on his crotch and said "we can do it right now". Baby cried, she checked on baby, came back and he was gone. She looked around the house for him, and found him in bed with me. She went to her room, woke my brother and told him everything. I never in a million years thought either one of them would be capable of something like this. My brother told my parents, and of course my parents and brother believe her and they all told me they would never be around my H again and that he is a liar and he is evil. I do know for a fact that SIL cheated on my brother once, maybe 10 years ago, when my brother passed out at a party and she ended up making out with one of his friends. H and I have been going to intensive marital counseling. Our therapist had H take a lie detector test which he passed and therapist told me that they are 95% accurate and I can't doubt H. My dad came to our home recently (even though I begged him not to) to apologize and open the door to healing in our family. H was so mad at him for taking sides and coming over against my wishes that he just blasted off on him. If I stay with H, I loose my family of origin, which hurts so much b/c I love them. Yet, how can I destroy my own family and my children's lives (they adore H and he is a great dad) based on one he-said/she-said incident and the fact that my fam dislikes H? What would you do?


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

I see that both of them are at fault; your husband and your SIL. They stayed up together drinking! They were both inviting trouble. Given your SIL is a cheater in such an occasion and your husband knows this, he might have taken a chance. Who knows? Both were inviting trouble. I don't believe either one of them. They had something going on. Only they know the truth. You and your husband need to lay off the booze.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

"There are three sides to every story. 'His side, her side and the truth.'" I don't see how to make it happen but unless you have them both sit down to have a clearing of the air at the same time, you will never know.

Both will do their best to make themselves look innocent in this drama.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
My one take away is that they should both stop drinking. 

In general I will trust my wife over anyone else. In a situation like this, neither may have a clear memory of what happened.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sounds like your H could have been up to something. How else could SIL know that word used in that exact context.

Of course, she might not be totally innocent here either.

If you are happy with him otherwise and there have been no other issues, keep him.

Get some healthy boundaries set up though. He wasn't totally innocent staying alone and drinking with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

I think that both of them did exactly what each claimed that the other had done. They both threw each other under the bus. However, I believe that your husband chickened out. The wrath of the scorned woman came to roost!

Does your brother know that his wife is a cheater? If he doesn't I believe that exposure of your SIL to your brother and parents are in order. This woman ain't no saint. Quite the contrary, she is a Jezebel.

You need to be vigilant with your husband, especially when booze is around. You both need to keep away from booze so that you don't compromise your marriage, especially when you are around other people.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Bad parents getting drunk when there is a baby in the house.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Sounds like your H could have been up to something. How else could SIL know that word used in that exact context.
> 
> Of course, she might not be totally innocent here either.
> 
> ...



^^I agree with this^^

Also, common sense says your H's description of her grabbing at his junk is just off. Normal women don't just dive for the package without some warm up and knowing that he is interested, at least that is me.

You need to keep an eye on your H, sorry.


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## T1215 (May 27, 2015)

I know, I would never in a million years grab a guys crotch, especially if he is in bed with his wife, that is just absolutely ridiculous. Yet, how did he even make that up??? Because he was panicking? It's so hard to grasp that he is lying to me. What about the fact that he passed the lie detector test? My therapist said they are 95% accurate and I need to believe him. But then I've read online that they are only 70-80% accurate. My whole family hates my husband and will never be around him again. Do I divorce him for this and for being such a complete jerk to my dad?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Divorce him? I really don't know, you seem to want to believe him. We can only go off of the information that you have given here, hardly a complete picture or even objective.

As for how did he even make that up? Easy, I think for him it sounded like the version of the truth that made him look like the innocent in all this. Truth was they were both way out of line. But that said, I don't think she was going after his crotch like some sex crazed demon. It just doesn't add up. 

How did she just randomly land on him describing her boobs as "luscious"? That is a pretty specific accusation on her part and very accurate for his way of flirting according to you. That is a major red flag, and pretty much proves he was very into the whole thing and not an innocent victim.

I'm not sure about the lie detector test and what to make of that. I suppose it would depend on exactly what questions were asked. Obviously something happened between the two of them.

Do you recall what questions the polygraph examiner asked? How many questions was he asked?


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## T1215 (May 27, 2015)

Polygrapher asked 3 questions: did she say let's do it in the mud room? Did she try and grab ur crotch? Did u say no when she grabbed ur crotch again while u were in bed?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Those questions don't really do much to exonerate his involvement IMO. She might have done those things exactly, but there were no questions that target HIS behavior and interest level.

Those questions seem flawed in and of themselves as they usually ask you about you, and about your actions in the situation. I'm not a polygraph examiner of course but the reliability of the results are dependent on a skilled examiner.


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## Froggi (Sep 10, 2014)

He passed a lie detector test. Did **** SIL?

Your family rallied against him. Why the hell SHOULDN'T he be a jerk to your dad? How would YOU feel?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Here's my take on he-said/she-said issues, whether they are general or specific like yours: He told his version of the truth. She told her version of truth. And right in the middle somewhere is THE entire truth.

Something to consider.


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## T1215 (May 27, 2015)

You're right, if hubby is telling the truth, I don't blame him for being a jerk to my dad after my family rallied against him. 
No SIL did not take a lie dectector test. I asked her to and she said yes, but then the therapist me and hubby were seeing at the time said it wasn't a good idea so I didn't go through with it. We started seeing a different therapist who said hubby should take it and he did and passed. My therapist said I need to believe him and he's done everything he can to prove he is truthful. However, I think our initial therapist was correct that a lie detector is not a good idea....bc I still struggle with doubts, the whole thing is just unbelievable. I really don't want my kids to go through a divorce based on one he said she said incident....yet by staying with him I loose my dad and brother and his fam which hurts me to the core. I'm mad hubby and SIL for staying up alone together. However, even if SIL's version is accurate, I'm furious with her for not slapping his hand away and leaving. Instead, she took off her sweatshirt wearing just a tight tank top (which is bizzare, who does that when alone with a married man?), after being touched inappropriately she waited to see what he was going to do next, and she searched the house for him to the point of coming into our bedrm to find him. She did not leave the situation, he did. I have been inappropriately touched before by a married man who was drinking and I immediately left so that it didn't get to a point where it would destroy a marriage/family!!! I also never said anything about it for a few months when I finally told my husband but made him swear not to do anything about it bc it was a drunken mistake.


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## T1215 (May 27, 2015)

The truth could definitely be in the middle, and I will probably never know for certain. It is a very hard thing to get over and hard to trust him again....


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

T1215 said:


> You're right, if hubby is telling the truth, I don't blame him for being a jerk to my dad after my family rallied against him.
> No SIL did not take a lie dectector test. I asked her to and she said yes, but then the therapist me and hubby were seeing at the time said it wasn't a good idea so I didn't go through with it. We started seeing a different therapist who said hubby should take it and he did and passed. My therapist said I need to believe him and he's done everything he can to prove he is truthful. However, I think our initial therapist was correct that a lie detector is not a good idea....bc I still struggle with doubts, the whole thing is just unbelievable. I really don't want my kids to go through a divorce based on one he said she said incident....*yet by staying with him I loose my dad and brother and his fam which hurts me to the core. * I'm mad hubby and SIL for staying up alone together. However, even if SIL's version is accurate, I'm furious with her for not slapping his hand away and leaving. Instead, she took off her sweatshirt wearing just a tight tank top (which is bizzare, who does that when alone with a married man?), after being touched inappropriately she waited to see what he was going to do next, and she searched the house for him to the point of coming into our bedrm to find him. She did not leave the situation, he did. I have been inappropriately touched before by a married man who was drinking and I immediately left so that it didn't get to a point where it would destroy a marriage/family!!! I also never said anything about it for a few months when I finally told my husband but made him swear not to do anything about it bc it was a drunken mistake.


You always put your spouse first(even before family). Your H took the test. The administer of the test has your H has passing the pointed questions. The SIL apparently has done the drunken escapade before a few year back.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

T1215 said:


> The truth could definitely be in the middle, and I will probably never know for certain. It is a very hard thing to get over and *hard to trust him again.*...


That is easy. Stay sober...the both of you.


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## T1215 (May 27, 2015)

That's what's so ironic about this whole thing, my H has gotten drunk 1 or 2 times in the past 12 years, same with me. We r just not big drinkers, 1-2 drinks every week or two. Yet look what happens, it only takes once. my bro and SIL get drunk frequently, my SIL has been known to through back 20 beers in one night or 2-3 bottles of wine (I'm not exaggerating). In fact I would label her a "binge drinker" or maybe a "social alcoholic". So, obviously not smart to drink with them. We learn the hard way.


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

What does your intuition tell you? Why is your family mad at you as you weren't involved?


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## T1215 (May 27, 2015)

My intuition tells me they were both wrong, probably him more than her. But I just don't know for certain. He has been adamant that he didn't do this, but parts of his story just doesn't make sense. My family is not punishing me so much as punishing him. They will not be around him anymore. There is also a history of them not getting along with my husband. Some of it has to do with the fact that I work and he is a stay-at-home dad, and they have a hard time grasping that. Another part of it is that in the beginning of our marriage, I would air dirty laundry to them whenever we fought. It took me a couple years to learn that this was toxic, and I stopped. The other part of it is that he can be arrogant and can rub people the wrong way, and has definitely done that with them.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

T1215 said:


> My intuition tells me they were both wrong, probably him more than her. But I just don't know for certain. He has been adamant that he didn't do this, but parts of his story just doesn't make sense.


What exactly doesn't make sense?



T1215 said:


> Some of it has to do with the fact that I work and he is a stay-at-home dad, and they have a hard time grasping that.


It's not that they don't understand him- they have no respect for a man that is doing traditionally what a woman should be doing (don't kill the messenger - that's just how it seems!)



T1215 said:


> Another part of it is that in the beginning of our marriage, I would air dirty laundry to them whenever we fought. It took me a couple years to learn that this was toxic, and I stopped.


Oh wow - so he's screwed no matter what. He will always be guilty because you have trained them that he is bad and wrong. Doesn't matter if you corrected yourself.


He's the issue I have with her side - I know of no woman what so ever that would wait to see what would happen next after he put his hands on them in an inappropriate way. Then go looking for him after a break in the "action". Sorry, her side has some plot holes


Here's a few things to consider:
1) he passed the lie detector
2) no matter what happened he left (verified by both when baby started to cry)
3) if he put his had(s) on SIL why didn't she hit him, leave, scream?
4) after the baby crying - why oh why did she come to your room to check on him?


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

Sorry if you've already said this, but how long was it between the supposed incident and when he took the polygraph? If he had enough time to become comfortable in his lie, there's a much better chance of him passing as only physical manifestations of stress are monitored. And of course there are a million different things that can influence results. 

But I tend to agree with peeps here, it sounds like the truth is somewhere in the middle... but the SIL's story sounds more believable to me. Also, she told your brother straight away. Your husband waited until things started getting messy. But I also don't understand why your SIL would have gone looking for him the baby gave her a chance to escape (I can think of a few reasons, but a great majority of people would choose to walk away ASAP).

It all sounds really sketchy.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I agree they threw each other under the bus. I think both their versions are correct except she didn't come in your room and grab his crotch. 

She took off her sweatshirt and he touched her boob and called it luscious. She grabbed his crotch and said let's do it in the mudroom. It would've probably escalated but then the baby cried, she left and he chickened out. Why your husband added the part about her coming into your room, I have no idea. Maybe he thought it would add some credibility to his story.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

T1215 said:


> You're right, if hubby is telling the truth, I don't blame him for being a jerk to my dad after my family rallied against him.
> No SIL did not take a lie dectector test. I asked her to and she said yes, but then the therapist me and hubby were seeing at the time said it wasn't a good idea so I didn't go through with it.


It is time for a new therapist. First, there is NO science around the 95% effective rate. Second, if there WERE there would be no reason for this to be a "bad idea".


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> I agree they threw each other under the bus. I think both their versions are correct except she didn't come in your room and grab his crotch.
> 
> She took off her sweatshirt and he touched her boob and called it luscious. She grabbed his crotch and said let's do it in the mudroom. It would've probably escalated but then the baby cried, she left and he chickened out. Why your husband added the part about her coming into your room, I have no idea. Maybe he thought it would add some credibility to his story.



This is probably as close to the truth as you are going to get. It seems to be the most plausible scenario. 

If the OP can live with that version, then she needs to make sure her H reinforces some boundaries.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> It is time for a new therapist. First, there is NO science around the 95% effective rate. Second, if there WERE there would be no reason for this to be a "bad idea".


I agree. You need new therapist. Will a reputable therapist even consider a polygraph as a useful tool?


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

I don't drink. 

But I assume someone who binge drinks more often will have better control than someone who does not. 

Sil alcoholic. I think she knew what was happening and manipulated the whole thing to settle some old score.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

T1215 said:


> That's what's so ironic about this whole thing, my H has gotten drunk 1 or 2 times in the past 12 years, same with me. We r just not big drinkers, 1-2 drinks every week or two. Yet look what happens, it only takes once. my bro and SIL get drunk frequently, my SIL has been known to through back 20 beers in one night or 2-3 bottles of wine (I'm not exaggerating). In fact I would label her a "binge drinker" or maybe a "social alcoholic". So, obviously not smart to drink with them. We learn the hard way.


Who was doing the biggest encouragements to keep drinking?

What kind of relationship did your H and SIL have before that evening?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Imo, leave your FOO to stew in their own juices. They should never have been involved in it (other than brother and SIL) to start with. Taking sides is unforgivable and nasty, not just to your DH, but to you.

Obviously they are BOTH lying, as you already think. Your DH grabbed her boob and she grabbed his crotch and DH had a bit of a reality check when she went to check on her baby. She wasn't going to stop, which is why she went looking for him, probably hoping he was stripped off and waiting somewhere for her to join him. 

I think you should tell your DH flat out that you don't completely believe him, and it pisses you off that he's conveniently leaving stuff out of his story to cover his arse, but you do believe he chose to stop, and at least there is that. If I were you, I would also tell him that he obviously can't be trusted to be alone with another woman who may come on to him, especially while drinking, so if he ever puts himself in that situation again, you know he's setting himself up to cheat.

Just remember, you made a vow to your DH. He should come before FOO imo. You betrayed him too, early in your marriage, by creating a toxic situation between him and your FOO. Now's the time to stop running to them and stand by him.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Spouse and children come before FOO, ALWAYS. Breeze is right - you betrayed your husband by sharing your marital woes with your parents early in your marriage. That you no longer do it is irrelevant - the picture was painted.

Both your hubby and SIL put themselves in a compromising position, and both behaved inappropriately and are now scrambling to cover their butts. Lay down some boundaries with hubby, along with what the consequences will be if he violates them, and then enforce them if you have to.


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

frusdil said:


> *Spouse and children come before FOO, ALWAYS.* Breeze is right - you betrayed your husband by sharing your marital woes with your parents early in your marriage. That you no longer do it is irrelevant - the picture was painted.
> 
> Both your hubby and SIL put themselves in a compromising position, and both behaved inappropriately and are now scrambling to cover their butts. Lay down some boundaries with hubby, along with what the consequences will be if he violates them, and then enforce them if you have to.


Regarding the bolded part in pink...

What does FOO mean?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

spunkycat08 said:


> Regarding the bolded part in pink...
> 
> What does FOO mean?


Family of Origin


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## T1215 (May 27, 2015)

SIL has never really liked H, mostly bc of jealously towards me and H, but also H has done things in the past to make her mad. Like I said, H is a stay-at-home dad and I work. So he takes care of the majority of things around our home (yardwork, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, running kids around, you name it). Her husband, my brother, is completely worthless at home and with her kids, he doesn't help at all. So she has always been jealous of the help that I get from H. In addition, although they do just fine, we make more money than they do, and she has always been jealous of that. She constantly puts down The way we raise our kids, because we discipline, have bedtimes, etc. Her children stay up as late as they want and there's very little discipline. H and I are fit and active, and she and my brother are not. She is quite round (with very big boobs) but always puts herself down, calls herself "fat and ugly" and feels bad about herself. I would say that at times she is mildly depressed. Anyway, she has never liked H and H has always thought that she is a depressed alcoholic.


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## T1215 (May 27, 2015)

It was a couple months btwn incident and polygraph test. We started going to counseling right away bc I didn't believe his version, or at least parts of it. Our first therapist told us that bc H has never given me reason in the past to think he was lying/cheating/flirting (no porn, his phone/email is an open book) that I need to be mad at him (and SIL) for the things I know happened (for staying up with her, for not telling me right away) and let the rest go bc I will only know that something inappropriate happened and I will never know the truth. He also said a lie detector was a bad idea. The second therapist said they r very accurate, and so H took it and passed. She says I need to believe H. But I don't fully believe H. Although I do think both were wrong. I would never strip down to a tight tank top while alone with a guy, nor would I stick around if he touched me inappropriately, nor would I search the house for him. In fact, I have been in this situation before when a married man made a pass at me. It was one of our friends when we were out at a restaurant/bar. He put his hand on the back of my jeans, and I immediately walked away to talk to other people in our group. I didn't tell my husband about it for a few months, because I didn't want him to get mad and say anything to the guy (who was married with kids). And since I removed myself from the situation right away, nothing more happened.


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## T1215 (May 27, 2015)

You are right about hearing dirty laundry early in our marriage. It was very toxic and I regret it, but I can't ever take it back. It has greatly contributed to the fact that my family doesn't like him, and that part of it is my fault.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

It sounds like there was more going on than you will ever find out about for sure.

But it seems pretty clear that your husband didn't go through with it.

I wouldn't divorce over an incident like that, but I would certainly make it clear that one strike is all he gets.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

technovelist said:


> It sounds like there was more going on than you will ever find out about for sure.
> 
> But it seems pretty clear that your husband didn't go through with it.
> 
> I wouldn't divorce over an incident like that, but I would certainly make it clear that one strike is all he gets.


This pretty much sums it up.^^^

If I were in your shoes I'd have a much easier time believing your H after the poly IF your SIL didn't say he called her boobs "luscious" that is what is a dead giveaway that he was also guilty and into it.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

soccermom2three said:


> I agree they threw each other under the bus. I think both their versions are correct except she didn't come in your room and grab his crotch.
> 
> She took off her sweatshirt and he touched her boob and called it luscious. She grabbed his crotch and said let's do it in the mudroom. It would've probably escalated but then the baby cried, she left and he chickened out. Why your husband added the part about her coming into your room, I have no idea. Maybe he thought it would add some credibility to his story.


:iagree: SM2T put it together well.


Just my opinion but I think you have to split the difference here.

Your relationship with your family was operating at 50% (pick a number you like here) because of your families dislike for your husband and circumstances. At best now it will be at 10% (again pick a number).

50% is already crap!
10% is more of the same!

Stay with your husband and you move from crap to more crap.
Divorce him and you get above 50% but with consequences.

Personally I would stay with him, also things may improve on some fronts with the family with time.

But I would ask for honesty. "I want to make this work. I believe you had some inappropriate involvement that the lie detector did not cover. I need you to be honest with me about any inappropriate words and touching that you did in order for me to move forward with you and to begin to rebuild trust. You did not use the best judgment that night, but you removed yourself from the situation and I appreciate that but you will have to take another Lie Detector test to clear up some of the details so tell me now. They will stay between us. Without this I do not know how we can move forward as a couple."


I think (you may feel differently I know) the nitty gritty detail is less important than him taking some responsibility for inappropriate words and touching.




T1215 said:


> She is quite round (with very big boobs).


She was being provocative of course. You know what stands out about a big breasted women in a tube top? 

Well of course you do and so did she, shame on her!

Things will never be 100% here, the best you can hope for is to split the difference and cut the losses to your immediate family (You/Husband/Children).

I am sorry I wish you all well.
Take care!


ETA; Also you did not answer the question "Does your brother know his wife cheated on him with his friend at that party some time ago?"
If not its a shame she is being allowed to make a fool out of him still. However it's not your place atm to address it, obviously!


.


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## T1215 (May 27, 2015)

No, my brother has no idea that SIL cheated on him several years ago. SIL and I used to be very good friends as my brother has been with her since high school and she has been with our family a long time. She told me in confidence that they were at a friends house where they got very drunk. My brother passed out and she ended up making out with one of his friends. I never said anything to my brother because #1) I didn't be want to be the one to ruin their relationship and #2) I figured it was one single alcohol-induced incident.
I know of one other time where they were out drinking with friends and SIL told me that she let some of my brothers friends feel her boobs (my brother knows about this incident and thought it was very funny). 
I have not talked to my brother or SIL since the incident six months ago. I know I need to contact him and attempt to reestablish a relationship, but I am dreading having to tell him that his wife cheated on him in the past and my husband passed the lie detector test. 
H and I met with my parents a few days ago and H sincerely apologized to my father for the way H treated him when my dad came to our house. My dad said that he accepted the apology. Then I spoke about the importance of forgiveness. However, I know that my dad absolutely can't stand H, the wedge has been driven in and I don't think my dad will let go of resentment toward H.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> I agree they threw each other under the bus. I think both their versions are correct except she didn't come in your room and grab his crotch.


He was drunk and his memory was probably skewed. I love listening to normal drunk stories because things are added, subtracted and altered.


So, your husband has done EVERYTHING you asked, since the incident, but you are talking about divorce? 

I can't erase your doubt, but let me point out a couple of weird things in your story.

If she can't stand your husband, why is she drinking with him?

If he had his hand on her boob, why didn't she immediately tell her husband or you?

If he already made an inappropriate move with his hand, why would she wait to see what else he was going to do?

If she was against what happened, why did she admit to searching for him through the house?

If she was so incensed, why did she actually go to the room?

Honestly, I find her blame shift as ridiculous as his room story. She did a least LOOK in the guest room to see where he was at. She said that all by herself.

Here's what I find most important, your family kept this from you for 2 days.


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## T1215 (May 27, 2015)

incident occurred on a Friday night on a weekend we were in town to celebrate Christmas with my FOO. H claims he wanted to wait until after our weekend trip was over before telling me bc he didn't want to ruin the wkend. SIL and my brother also claim they were going to wait until after Christmas to tell me (even though my brother made it obvious that something was up on Sunday night when we were out to eat with them and my parents by being a complete ass to H in front of everyone).


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

T1215 said:


> incident occurred on a Friday night on a weekend we were in town to celebrate Christmas with my FOO. H claims he wanted to wait until after our weekend trip was over before telling me bc he didn't want to ruin the wkend.


Honestly, I believe this 100%. 


T1215 said:


> SIL and my brother also claim they were going to wait until after Christmas to tell me (even though my brother made it obvious that something was up on Sunday night when we were out to eat with them and my parents by being a complete ass to H in front of everyone).


So, sharing this with everyone in the house, but you makes sense? This is weird as well. I want to save a weekend so, I promptly run to my parents/in-laws and say "he groped me/my wife?"

He has done everything you asked because of a woman who now has three inappropriate drunk incidents with men, that yo know about. You know of a least two escalating incidents, but can't believe she grabbed his crotch? Sorry, I'm kind of shocked. She has no boundaries and your brother laughed one incident off. Why is it so hard too believe she has no fear of taking risks?


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## T1215 (May 27, 2015)

I guess it's hard to believe that a woman would grab a crotch to hit on a man. If I were to "hit on" someone (admittedly I have very little experience in this area) I would lean in or maybe hug....I just can't imagine grabbing a mans crotch, while he was in bed with his wife!
However, I definitely think that major parts of her story are incriminating (taking off her sweatshirt, waiting to see what he was going to do next, searching the house to find him). 
I haven't spoken to her or my brother in 6 months, and I don't know if I'll ever see my niece and nephews again. It hurts that my dad chose sides (and that he even got involved in the first place). They are all still going on vacations together, but me and my family are no longer welcome. The only way for me to get back my FOO is to divorce H (both my dad, my SIL, and my brother encourged divorce right after the incident). Is my FOO going to help me raise my two small children? No! divorce would tear apart my immediate family and devastate our children who adore H. Not to mention the financial ramifications.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

T1215 said:


> I guess it's hard to believe that a woman would grab a crotch to hit on a man.


Why? You have described her as sexually overt.
I do not know when you lost respect for your husband, but it was before this incident.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Some guy made a pass at you and you told your husband much later. 

He wanted to wait and that is wrong....


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

T1215 said:


> I guess it's hard to believe that a woman would grab a crotch to hit on a man. If I were to "hit on" someone (admittedly I have very little experience in this area) I would lean in or maybe hug....I just can't imagine grabbing a mans crotch, while he was in bed with his wife!
> However, I definitely think that major parts of her story are incriminating (taking off her sweatshirt, waiting to see what he was going to do next, searching the house to find him).
> I haven't spoken to her or my brother in 6 months, and I don't know if I'll ever see my niece and nephews again. It hurts that my dad chose sides (and that he even got involved in the first place). They are all still going on vacations together, but me and my family are no longer welcome. The only way for me to get back my FOO is to divorce H (both my dad, my SIL, and my brother encourged divorce right after the incident). Is my FOO going to help me raise my two small children? No! divorce would tear apart my immediate family and devastate our children who adore H. Not to mention the financial ramifications.


I believe you are thinking correctly here.

Btw, I dont think it would be common to just grab a crotch, if something like that happened then I think it was in response to previous touching (his hands her boobs) are she was attempting to get him aroused and involved, so "grab" is an over statement she may have caressed his crotch, and that would be very common in a progression of steps which began with her taking off her shirt, some flirting/touching, maybe some kissing, she is feeling his pants, it may be dawning on him that this is reaching the point of no return, baby cries and he splits.

Could she have come into the room to make another direct offer by touching his crotch, perhaps, that seems very risky but then this whole thing is.


I am going to state my opinion in the strongest possible terms here, you will of course make your own choice. I DO NOT THINK YOU SHOULD TELL YOU BROTHER ABOUT HIS WIFE'S CHEATING AT THIS TIME!

Doing it in response to or even in proximity with the current situation will not go over well and will backfire on you.

If you were going to do that it should have been done much sooner.
If you ever get past this with your brother you may be able to broach it but I think it will do more harm than good ATM.

I am not sure what the best course is but I do not believe your husband should be off the hook yet btw. If I had a good suggestion I would make it, other than another Lie Dect. Test and some owning up to his motives in all this.

I wish you well. Take care!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

kristin2349 said:


> ^^I agree with this^^
> 
> Also, common sense says your H's description of her grabbing at his junk is just off. Normal women don't just dive for the package without some warm up and knowing that he is interested, at least that is me.
> 
> You need to keep an eye on your H, sorry.


Women do grab men's junk when drinking, even if their wife/date is nearby. Its common.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Your husband passed the lie detector test but your family sided with a known cheater. That's odd.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Maybe she grabbed his crotch and when she went to check on the baby he made his break. She thought he would rat her out so told her husband and a story to counter the fallout. It also fits her MO. Why would your husband think of using the mud room?

Every law enforcement agency uses lie detectors. You might defeat one if your trained or a sociopath. I doubt your husband is either. A normal person would usually confess before the poly since few people think they could beat one. Most people think they would fail when telling the truth.

Like I said, SIL has a known rep for banging other men at a party. Losing on your husband would be normal behavior for her.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Chaparral said:


> Your husband passed the lie detector test but your family sided with a known cheater. That's odd.


The cheater is the mother of their grandchildren.


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## T1215 (May 27, 2015)

NextTimeAround said:


> Chaparral said:
> 
> 
> > Your husband passed the lie detector test but your family sided with a known cheater. That's odd.
> ...


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