# How to deal with not having answers.



## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

Hi All,
my wife cheated on me. I discovered it last April and we have been in counseling for 6 months. At first I was obviously very angry and acted as such. We would be in therapy sessions and I could not help but be rude to her and feel disgusted by her actions. Affair was exchanging reminiscing e-mails with one of her old friends with benefits & separately sending e-mails to another ex (previous one before me). The e-mails to this last ex are the ones that REALLY bother me.

Looking back on it I agreed to go to therapy for a couple of reasons. (1) being i could not believe this was happening and wanted to make it work. (2) I wanted answers as to why this happened. I figured if we could work it out and in the process I could get answers then it would be easier to get over this problem.

The therapist explained that I need to be patient regarding answers and that we should concentrate on reconnecting. We've been on dates and have paid more attention to the smaller things in our daily life too. We got into a cycle of almost putting it behind us. 


Well fast forward 6 months later and it is still difficult to get answers. Whenever I bring up the subject and explain that I need answers to get past this she plays the victim role and shuts down. I know that this isn't easy for her either however she's in this situation because of her actions. 

I guess what I'm trying to ask is the following.

1. Why is it so important for me to get these answers as to WHY she would e-mail her ex (without any response from him) if she was over him?

2. How can I get her to speak about these things without allowing her to turn the tables as the victim and shutting down? I feel like she's not willing to speak about these things. She wants to put it i the rear view but unfortunately I CANT.

3. Finally, When do you know to call it quits? I don't or can't remember what it is like to break up from a relationship you didn't want to end but I'm pretty sure I can deal with that pain in comparison to the pain I feel daily from being with a partner who I'm not sure is capable or willing to help me through these feelings. 

I have been working out and really feeling better about myself and mentally when it comes to how I view myself I feel good. If anything it has made me feel so much better that I'm not sure if it's a good idea to stay in this relationship. Basically the pain of staying here without answers is killing me and I don't know how much longer I can take it.

Please if you read this and you're going to answer in reference to some Alpha/Beta male crap save me the message. 

Thank you all!


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

Sorry forgot to mention something about her ex (previous to me). It was a messy break up. He cheated on her (several times). He was up at school and she was back home. She would go food shopping for him and even cosigned for a car for him. Well, the last straw came when she called one time and another girl answered. The other girl told her that SHE was his girlfriend. She basically confronted him and he told her she meant nothing to him. So she did what anyone else would do, she took the car (lol). Well he sued her for the car and the lawsuit took like 3 years in all. At the end of the 3rd year I came in the picture. Lawsuit was still ongoing until one day there was a settlement reach (which she consulted me on). Basically she asked me what I thought she should do. I told her that if he was in her past and he brought her more pain then why continue to deal with that person. She agreed and seemed relieved. They settled and that's the last I heard of him until last April. 

Her answer to e-mailing him is that she wanted closure. She wanted to know WHY he did that to her. My problem with this is that her emails were sent for 4 years. Starting the 2nd year of our marriage. In 4 years we had 2 kids and a lot of good times. Some bad times too but in every relationship there are ups and downs, right?

I'm wondering if I just happened to come along when she decided to get over her relationship with her ex. I knew there was another guy between me and her ex and I guess I figured that this in between guy was the rebound. Now I'm not so sure. 

Sorry it's such a long thread but I didn't want to leave anything I found important out.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You are correct about the need for answers. If the roles were reversed I am sure that your wife would be wanting to know the answers as well. There is no way to fix a relationship if you do not understand what the problem is. Your wife owes you at least this much. Good luck to you.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I just saw your last post. It sounds like she absolutely never got over him. How absolutely disrespect for you that she would continue this for 4 years into your marriage and after only the second year. I do not mean to be harsh but it certainly seems that you were really not her first choice. Again if the roles were reversed I am sure that she would be absolutely devastated.


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

bryanp, thanks. I don't feel like I'm her first choice. I guess I'm in the middle of deciding on what to do. I hate to give up, I really do. I have a lot of love for her. I love my family life and everything else. I absolutely hate the way she has made me feel. I'm not sure I can EVER get over this. I guess I'm just trying to figure out if anyone has been in this situation.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

> The therapist explained that I need to be patient regarding answers and that we should concentrate on reconnecting. We've been on dates and have paid more attention to the smaller things in our daily life too. We got into a cycle of almost putting it behind us.


That is a poor excuse of a therapist. How in the world do these two(therapist and wife) expect you to move on with unanswered questions?
Six months is far too long to wait.
I suggest you sit down with your wife and tell her calmly, "Tomorrow, I am going to ask you frank and direct questions about your affair. I will not accept 'I don't know" as an answer to any of them. You know exactly what you have done and you know the reasons why. Now, I need to know. Any attempt at downplaying the significance of my questions are a deal breaker in our marriage.
As of tomorrow, complete honesty is the only road that we will take. After that, any lie or attempt to brush over facts, minimize the damage that you have done, or blameshifting to me will be my cue that you do not have remorse and I will leave this marriage and you immediately.
The only chance that exists to save our relationship lies solely in your hands, so make up you mind in the next 24 hours whether or not you want us to be together."

And you need to mean it and follow through.
If it works, find a new marriage counselor as well.

When my wife and I decided to reconcile and that we truly did love each other, we were both completely open and honest about our mistakes and what led us to make them. We only went to counseling for about 4 months. Our counselor was amazed that we were talking so openly and she only helped us see ourselves and what we were missing.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

It is natural AP to minimize the damage and sometimes they do it for reducing the shock of reality to BS. Trickle truths may happen. If you are really interested in getting the full truth, you must have patience. More patience. How long? 6 months? May be even 2 years.

Since it is your inner conscience saying you have not full truth, it is only after your inner conscience gets satisfied will your doubts rest.

Sorry dude.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Alittlefunnnn said:


> Her answer to e-mailing him is that she wanted closure. She wanted to know WHY he did that to her.


So it's ok to e-mail an ex-bf for 'closure' yet it is not ok for you to do the same with her? Have you pointed that out to her?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

DanF said:


> That is a poor excuse of a therapist. How in the world do these two(therapist and wife) expect you to move on with unanswered questions?
> Six months is far too long to wait.
> *I suggest you sit down with your wife and tell her calmly, "Tomorrow, I am going to ask you frank and direct questions about your affair. I will not accept 'I don't know" as an answer to any of them. You know exactly what you have done and you know the reasons why. Now, I need to know. Any attempt at downplaying the significance of my questions are a deal breaker in our marriage.
> As of tomorrow, complete honesty is the only road that we will take. After that, any lie or attempt to brush over facts, minimize the damage that you have done, or blameshifting to me will be my cue that you do not have remorse and I will leave this marriage and you immediately.
> ...



She'll need more than 24 hours. Give her 3 days or a week. Then sit down and ask her. Tell her if she doesnt open up, show true remorse, the marriage is over and she can go back to her ex's. 

Looks like you were the rebound guy. She invested so much on her previous love, she could not get over him. 

So, be prepared yourself in the 3 days or a week to move on. Unless, of course, you dont mind being the standby guy.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What were the contents of the emails. Was the other guy responding? Did they meet up?


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

The contents of the e-mails would be her e-mailing him to see how he was doing. He never responded. The only way I found out was because I one day decided to look at her sent folder. I only found 1 e-mail (which I deleted) because I didn't want her to use that ONLY e-mail ONLY this subject excuse. 

I basically told her that this last e-mail was the LAST one I was willing to let her send without telling me what it was all about. Then all hell broke loose from there.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Alittlefunnnn said:


> *Well fast forward 6 months later and it is still difficult to get answers. Whenever I bring up the subject and explain that I need answers to get past this she plays the victim role and shuts down. I* know that this isn't easy for her either however she's in this situation because of her actions.



This is utter bullsh!t. If she were truly committed to restoring your marriage, she would answer any/all of your questions. She dug the hole, so she needs to help fix it. You need to call her out on that. It's totally disrespectful of her to keep you in the dark after the fact, especially when you have been so kind as to not dump her out on her a$$.



Alittlefunnnn said:


> 1. Why is it so important for me to get these answers as to WHY she would e-mail her ex (without any response from him) if she was over him?


Because you need/want to know. It's your right. especially since it's YOUR marriage. So ask away.



Alittlefunnnn said:


> 2. How can I get her to speak about these things without allowing her to turn the tables as the victim and shutting down? I


By calling her out on her bullsh!t. "I know this isn't your favorite subject, but I am really trying here--you betrayed me... you had an affair and you not answering my questions or pretending to be a victim is both insulting and disrespectful to me. The least you can do is own what you did and answer my questions. How would you feel if I had an affair and then didn't answer any of your questions about it, after you gave me the chacne to work on the marriage and didn't file for divorce???" [/B]



Alittlefunnnn said:


> 3. Finally, When do you know to call it quits? I don't or can't remember what it is like to break up from a relationship you didn't want to end but I'm pretty sure I can deal with that pain in comparison to the pain I feel daily from being with a partner who I'm not sure is capable or willing to help me through these feelings.


Only you can decide that. If you are truly done, you will know it.


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

Thanks Angry. Makes a lot of sense.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

morituri said:


> So it's ok to e-mail an ex-bf for 'closure' yet it is not ok for you to do the same with her? Have you pointed that out to her?


:iagree:


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I basically told her that this last e-mail was the LAST one I was willing to let her send without telling me what it was all about. Then all hell broke loose from there.

She confessed she was doing it for the last 4 years or did you have any proof? And he never responded? How were you sure about that?


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

She confessed. It didn't come out right away. It was a few days until she came clean about how long and what the e-mails said and her reason WHY she sent them.


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## Tigrlily (Dec 27, 2011)

Alittlefunnnn said:


> Hi All,
> my wife cheated on me. I discovered it last April and we have been in counseling for 6 months. At first I was obviously very angry and acted as such. We would be in therapy sessions and I could not help but be rude to her and feel disgusted by her actions. Affair was exchanging reminiscing e-mails with one of her old friends with benefits & separately sending e-mails to another ex (previous one before me). The e-mails to this last ex are the ones that REALLY bother me.
> 
> Looking back on it I agreed to go to therapy for a couple of reasons. (1) being i could not believe this was happening and wanted to make it work. (2) I wanted answers as to why this happened. I figured if we could work it out and in the process I could get answers then it would be easier to get over this problem.
> ...


I completely understand how confusing it is, trying to determine when you should throw in the towel. I asked the same exact thing when I first found this forum.

I found my husband's EA with a coworker in June.

The very honest, wise people here told me that 6 months is a very short amount of time when it comes to healing from an affair. From what I've read here, it takes years. That is a little overwhelming and frightening to me, because I can't imagine feeling so terrible for so long (how do you keep hanging in there?), but I've been reassured that with more time, the pain is less. I give the people here a lot of credit in knowing what they're talking about. So I believe them when they say it will slowly get better.

The first question I think you have to find the answer to is "Am I willing to stay right now, endure the terrible fallout, and see if I can reach a place where I can trust again?" Also important: "Can I still look through the betrayal and tell myself honestly that I love her?" If your answers are yes, then she's got a huge job to do. H and I are looking at getting "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass because someone here posted an excerpt that so closely remembled the fallout I'm having, and he wants to help me through it. But your wife has to be willing to talk to you when you need to talk, bear the burden of your pain, your anger and your betrayal, and carry you when you can't take another step. She can't shut down because it causes HER pain...that is the last thing she gets to worry about right now!

The second question comes later on, I think, when the pain subsides more and you're walking on your own. And that is "Do I choose to have a healthier marriage, and a full recovery? Can I forgive?" If yes, then your job is now to embrace her needs as well, analyze what went wrong in the marriage, and actively work to provide her needs as she provides yours. I don't think anyone can answer this question completely until they've been able to work through some of their own pain first. I know I can't honestly say I am able to forgive and I know I am definitely not in a place yet where I can even think about his needs. I am told this is completely okay.

You're going to question everything right now, and everything has the potential to hurt you, or trigger you. Your wife may very well have only wanted to know why her old relationship ended so badly - the 'need to know' factor eating away at her just like it is eating away at you now - but of course you aren't in a place to understand this or show compassion because of her affair. Right now, everything is suspect to you, and it's easy to analyze everything she does (and has done) in the worst light possible. I think this is a self-protective measure: you feel so innocently ignorant while the affair took place, probably giving her the benefit of the doubt with behavior that was slightly off, and now you'll be damned if you're ever that blind again. Everything gets overthought and overanalyzed now because you're terrified you'll miss something. I'm right there with you.

The last thing I have to say is that sometimes we just don't get the answers we need and it's up to us to make peace with that. Big words for a gal who can't practice what she's preaching...I have yet to figure out how to let go of what I don't know. But I accept I am not in the right place for letting go of this yet, and I am hopeful that when I feel stronger and the pain is less then letting go of what I don't know won't be so hard to do.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

It is very difficult to accept that a person would continuously send emails to somebody else for 4 years and that person never replied ever? Sorry but I do not but it.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Yes, things don't quite add up.


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

Well, I e-mailed the guy myself. I know he could be blowing smoke up my ass. He's the one that explained to how the relationship ended. He sent me messages that she had sent his sister during that time as well that went unanswered. He told me after the lawsuit began he blocked her e-mail address because he was not interested in her or her e-mails. 

I guess it is possible for him & her to have/still be playing me but at what point do "I" choose to believe and stop believing the story. I either believe things based on the evidence/beliefs I have or don't believe it. 

Mentally I'm not interested anymore in what she is up to on her daily routine. For all I know it could still be happening. The only thing I can concern myself with is moving forward. What i need to move forward is answers and knowledge about why and what. It's hard to continue to let time pass without those answers. However I am feeling that the more time passes the more I'm starting to convince myself that maybe she just does not care as much as myself. In all honesty I rather find out this way. Finding out that someone's heart is not in it than by tracking her every move down to see if she's still doing this or that. 

Not because it will make her feel less pressed or more scared to do it. I don't want o track her down because I CANT continue to damage my idea of what a relationship should be. Lets say that this one doesn't end up working out, then I not only have to change the way I feel but also MY daily routine of how I AM in a relationship. I don't want to go into another relationship with another person constantly worrying about their actions as well. 

In the end if I do that I'll spend more energy on them than I will on making myself better in the relationship. Isn't that what relationships are really about? Becoming a better person while someone else?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What lawsuit?

The solution is simple: tell her you want answers. If she is unwilling to give them to you, either accept she doesn't care enough to tell you when it hurts you or end the relationship.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

AngryandUsed said:


> If you are really interested in getting the full truth, you must have patience. More patience. How long? 6 months? May be even 2 years.


I don't agree with this at all. If the cheater is interested in reconciliation, all of the truth needs to come out as soon as the spouse demands it.


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

Well as I explained previously they broke up and he sued her for a car she had cosigned and then took. So basically they broke up. She took the car. He sued her. 3 year lawsuit settled just as I entered the picture. Their relationship had been over for closer to 4 years and there was one other guy she dated before me. That's the lawsuit I was referring to.


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

DanF, yes I agree. I explain it as pulling the band aid off all the once instead of doing it little by little. The act itself is not going to hurt anymore if you tell the truth all at once but delaying the truth coming out delays the agony one feels.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

There was a previous thread that was about "He/She did things with Him/Her that He/She doesn't do with me" . What I took from that thread was that the lack of openness between the two was the issue. How can the WS do all these things for the OP and not do that with the Person they say the hold and love more dearly then anyone else. If you think about it that is a real problem.

In order to move forward she needs to answer your questions, she may not have a real answer to them because sometimes the offending spouse does something that no matter what even if you "Water Boarded" them they cannot explain but she needs to answer as well as she can and understand that you need this.

The advise above is good get a quiet time scheduled, sit down with her and explain you need her to do this to move forward. If she is doing the work to Reconcile she will do this for you.

If she is unwilliing you then need to make another decision are you willing to let this slide and continue, because these things are not answered you will probably will experience Triggers and will always question if you are the one she wants to stay with.

If she does answer then the decision on how you want to deal with it is yours.

Good Luck.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Let me get this straight. Your wife cheats on you with her ******* ex boyfriend who cheated on her several times and put her through a lawsuit for three years and you're interested in answers?

Without stating the obvious, you need to find someone better who doesn't keep you as a second fiddle, humiliatingly enough to a piece of **** like her ex boyfriend.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Complexity said:


> Let me get this straight. Your wife cheats on you with her ******* ex boyfriend who cheated on her several times and put her through a lawsuit for three years and you're interested in answers?
> 
> Without stating the obvious, you need to find someone better who doesn't keep you as a second fiddle, humiliatingly enough to a piece of **** like her ex boyfriend.


This is something I find fascinating.....that is that people don't mind leaving their secure relationships to fool around with someone who is considerably "less" by any means than their long term partner. It's really interesting about human nature.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I am so confused. I do not understand exactly what she has done.

With one ex she was emailing what kind of emails? He supposedly blocked her emails but she kept emailin him for four years. If I email someone and it doesn't go through my provider send the email back and says it could not be delivered. What exactly was she saying in these emails?

She was also emailing another ex boyfriend. What was she saying in her emails that upset you. Is it just the fact that she was keeping up with an ex? I agree staying in contact with an ex is outside my boundaries. I am not saying what she did was right but from what I have read so far it doesn't look like something I would divorce over assuming she understood my feelings.

I assume I have missed something.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> This is something I find fascinating.....that is that people don't mind leaving their secure relationships to fool around with someone who is considerably "less" by any means than their long term partner. It's really interesting about human nature.


Same, I always scoffed at the saying "treat women like dirt and they'll stick to you like mud" but I suppose it applies to some people......


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

DanF said:


> I don't agree with this at all. If the cheater is interested in reconciliation, all of the truth needs to come out as soon as the spouse demands it.


It is okay if you disagree. We disagree with cheating itself, not to speak of R!
The fact of the matter is whether we agree or not, truth does not come out in one go. If the WS has some respect to BS, then your efforts on the part of BS to get the full truth gets a bit reduced. 

The situation in each case is unique as each one is unique in this universe.

This is a question of how BS gets comfort that he / she has been told complete truth, as it is /was. If WS is able to bring in that comfort, then R has smoother way to proceed. Otherwise, doubts persist and peace is off.


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

chapparal said:


> I am so confused. I do not understand exactly what she has done.
> 
> With one ex she was emailing what kind of emails? He supposedly blocked her emails but she kept emailin him for four years. If I email someone and it doesn't go through my provider send the email back and says it could not be delivered. What exactly was she saying in these emails?
> 
> ...


Chapparal, at first with one ex they e-mailed "how is life going" messages which turned to "remember the time we did it here" and those e-mails turned out to be about how they'd like to do this or that again because they enjoyed it so much. Obviously she was married and he was in the about to be married and then was married. Emailed each other a total of maybe 20 times during the course of 2 years. 

I have spoken to her about those e-mails and she explained it as not feeling good about herself and having low self esteem issues. She explained that since we were having difficulties in the marriage it felt good to have someone's attention. 

The other ex they were e-mails of her saying hello basically. She explained that she hoped to receive a hello back and hoped to be able to get information from him regarding WHY he treated her the way he did.

My problem with this is WHY should it matter? I mean after all we were married. I had on many occasions brought up in different ways that I noticed she was not herself (who I knew to be) and that if she had something on her mind maybe we could discuss it. 

Hope this clears up your question.


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

Complexity said:


> Same, I always scoffed at the saying "treat women like dirt and they'll stick to you like mud" but I suppose it applies to some people......


Coplexity, I was raised with 3 sisters and no brother so basically I have always been taught to NOT treat women that way. Now I haven't always followed that and like any other man I noticed that some women DO respond to that way of being treated. 

When I got married I knew that being that way was not a good way to build a solid respectful relationship. I guess I always hoped that in the end i would get back what I put in. Treat my spouse with respect and receive the same. Unfortunately that is not the case however I also have 2 daughters and I know that I am the role model they will use for future relationships. It's easy to sit here and say well then I'll treat her this way because that's what she responds to and in turn I'll get what I want BUT then WHAT kind of an example do I set for my girls? Do I let them continue to think that this is how they will be treated in a relationship and it must be OK because my dad treats my mom this way? 

If things don't work out then they don't and the girls will have their hang ups about the divorce. With that said, I would much rather explain to them that relationships sometimes don't work out instead of having to explain to them that if daddy treats mommy like a 2nd class citizen she respects him more.


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

In the end is that really respect? Worse case I can always explain to my girls that daddy did his best to respect their mother and that SHE didn't reciprocate. I will explain that respect is extremely important in a relationship and that they should be in a relationship that does not have that. 

It's easier to look back and change this or change that. It's difficult to be in the situation, trying to make it work and the entire time doing it with not many answers.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Alittlefunnnn said:


> I hate to give up, I really do.


I'm like this too in a lot of ways and I found it can be a weakness. Some things are not worth fight for.

Another thing I discovered is that to win sometime you have to stop trying. In some situations the more you fight for something the more elusive it becomes. Once you "give up" things start to go your way.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Alittlefunnn, I think you misunderstood my intentions. I'm in no way suggesting that you should treat her like rubbish or degrade her to a point where she becomes mentally broken. What I'm saying is, no matter what you did, no matter how kind you were to her, she still grovelled for a response for *four years* from a man who did nothing but abuse her. You need to realise that despite your noble deeds you were humiliated and relegated to a secondary priority in her life. What person who has such a loving, committed partner turn around and seek attention from their abusive ex?, If you've given so much and had all your efforts essentially discarded as trash, do you really think this a person who deserves you? 

My original point was that you should leave her to the thing she yearns for so much, you deserve much better. Find someone who values and appreciates what you give to them instead of living your life with someone constantly thinking "what if it worked out with the OM?"


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

ArmyofJuan said:


> I'm like this too in a lot of ways and I found it can be a weakness. Some things are not worth fight for.
> 
> Another thing I discovered is that to win sometime you have to stop trying. In some situations the more you fight for something the more elusive it becomes. Once you "give up" things start to go your way.


Funny you mention that. I was reading a book last night that said the pressures we put on ourselves at times blind us to the point that any small problem escalates the reaction we have to it. Sometimes the laid back don't give a damn approach is more fruitful. 

Thanks for bringing that up. I tend to forget that a times.


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

Complexity said:


> Alittlefunnn, I think you misunderstood my intentions. I'm in no way suggesting that you should treat her like rubbish or degrade her to a point where she becomes mentally broken. What I'm saying is, no matter what you did, no matter how kind you were to her, she still grovelled for a response for *four years* from a man who did nothing but abuse her. You need to realise that despite your noble deeds you were humiliated and relegated to a secondary priority in her life. What person who has such a loving, committed partner turn around and seek attention from their abusive ex?, If you've given so much and had all your efforts essentially discarded as trash, do you really think this a person who deserves you?
> 
> My original point was that you should leave her to the thing she yearns for so much, you deserve much better. Find someone
> who values and appreciate what you give to them instead of living your life with someone constantly thinking "what if it worked out with the OM?"


Thank you!


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

Something I still have not done but think about sometimes is should I tell the wife of one of the guys she cheated with? I'm just not sure I want to give someone else the grief I feel......


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You are not giving the other wife grief. Her husband's cheating causes the grief.

She deserves to know the truth about her husband and the reality of her marriage. She can make an informed decision from there.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Thor said:


> You are not giving the other wife grief. Her husband's cheating causes the grief.
> 
> She deserves to know the truth about her husband and the reality of her marriage. She can make an informed decision from there.


Many times a busted cheater will repent. Do the OM and OM's wife a break and out him before he does harm to even more people. You will be helping everyone out. Other men's wives are almost always thankful for the info. Kind of surprising but amost everyone wants the truth.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Let´s entertain the idea that she just wanted closure.

*She explained that she hoped to receive a hello back and hoped to be able to get information from him regarding WHY he treated her the way he did.
*
But she can give you closure? 

Why?


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

Well, went to our last therapy session last Wednesday. It didn't go any different than the previous ones over the last 8 months or so. 

Sunday I started reviewing the financial statements and looking for apartments. I know I'm the one that cheated and that SHE should be the one who looks for apartments but I'm at a point where I rather take control of my life instead of continuing to wait for her to meet me in the middle.

In April it will be 1 year since DDay. It's been a year of continued trickle truth and I'm basically just tired of staying in this state of limbo. I feel like I would be served best to divorce and move on with my life.

Yesterday after giving yet another opportunity to come clean about everything and be completely remorseful of the pain she has caused me I gave her a choice. I told her she could continue to be somewhat remorseful, somewhat truthful and somewhat committed to reconciling or she could be completely honest, remorseful and committed to reconciling. If she chose to be completely honest then there could be a possibility to reconcile, not a given, but an opportunity. If she continued being the same way then divorce was the only option. 

She started the same old blame shifting and gaslighting. I told her I wasn't going through all that mess again and got up, went to my car and brought in preliminary divorce papers. Attached were the split expenses as well. I told her I needed to review it. She looked at it for about 15 minutes. I went upstairs, she got her jacket and left for about 2 hours. 

She came back crying and went straight to the bedroom. I slept downstairs for the night. Woke up today, got the kids ready, she did her part and I did mine. Didn't even exchange glances and went our separate ways. 

At this point I'm not sure I want to be divorced but I am sure that I don't want to be in a relationship where common decency and respect is not practiced by both partners. I know divorce won't be easy but i'll make of it what I make of it. 

Thoughts?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You did good. Your wife is closed up like a clam. I think she's so full of self hatred and so used to lying to you and herself that she has completely lost who she was.

Its time to move on friend. You did your best, stayed the course, and you've spent far too much money paying for counseling that has not worked. Reconcilliation was doomed to fail because you have a wife who was never really committed to you... just trolling you along and going through the motions.

You have so much potential, so much in you to give to someone out there who will actually appreciate you and what you have to offer, and who will return the same to you in kind.

The person you are with now is a vampire, bleeding your heart and soul dry and giving nothing back.

Be done with it.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

OP, Sorry for your present state. I know it is bad, very bad.

Even if you let her go, the thoughts will continue to haunt you.....

That is why it is important to take care of yourself. Focus on yourself. Things will automatically fall in place. Have patience. No hurry. No hurry. No hurry.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

morituri said:


> So it's ok to e-mail an ex-bf for 'closure' yet it is not ok for you to do the same with her? Have you pointed that out to her?


:smthumbup:


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