# Engaged and in love, but almost sexless and having second thoughts.



## whisperingpine (Jan 2, 2014)

Hi All - Happy New Year to everyone, I hope 2014 brings us all fulfillment in our relationships. 

I am mid-30s an engaged to a man in mid-40s. We have been together for 4 and a half years, engaged for a year and a half. I just joined TAM today because I need help figuring out what to do. 

In a nutshell, we are not having sex regularly. Probably once a month, if that. We have talked about it and even joke a little with each other because it is better than not talking about it. When we first met, we had sex regularly (a couple times a week), then it tapered off over the years. 

The sex has never been mind-blowing, but it has been good. He is very vanilla about sex, and rarely if ever goes down South. It also seems like he really doesn't enjoy BJs. When we do have sex it hurts me at first (like a tearing sensation, or a scratch inside), but then it is fine. I can't remember the last time I had an orgasm through regular sex. 

My fiancé is very loving and sincere, and I do love him very much. We usually get along well. But, for the past 3-5 months we have been snipping and fighting with each other over every little thing. When I get drunk (which is bad, I know I have a problem binge drinking which I intend to stop this year); he says I break up with him. I don't remember because I black out.

Also, since I'm putting everything out there, I am ashamed to admit that during one particularly bad binge night about a year ago I slept with some random guy. I didn't remember anything, but I woke up in the morning next to this guy whose name I didn't even know. I was horrified and I said, "Didn't you see my ring?" He claimed he did not. I take full responsibility, this was my own fault getting so drunk at a bar alone. That day, I went home and told my fiancé that I went to house party with a mixed group of girls and guys, and nothing happened. I am a horrible liar, so I am not sure if he ultimately believed me or just wanted to believe me. Either way, this infidelity has caused a huge deal of guilt on my end which I'm sure has affected our sex life. 

I don't know what to do. I thought about confessing, but it would only hurt him more and not help anything.

Any ideas? I do want to marry him and be happy.

I must sound like a horrible person. Thanks for reading/listening.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You have a lot of issues you need to deal with, the drinking being a big one. But your sex life with your fiancée is likely to never get better, IMHO. From a physical perspective, he's reached his peak and is likely in a decline in sexual drive. Yours is likely to peak in the future (as in, your sex drive will increase). Not a good match. And considering you've cheated on him once already...

Get out while the getting is good. 

C


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Love is not enough, unless you can live the rest of your life with sex once a month or less. It's one of the reasons I divorced my ex, although other issues contributed significantly. What you have now is a bit more than a great friendship. It would not work for me as a marriage.


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## whisperingpine (Jan 2, 2014)

PBear said:


> You have a lot of issues you need to deal with, the drinking being a big one. But your sex life with your fiancée is likely to never get better, IMHO. From a physical perspective, he's reached his peak and is likely in a decline in sexual drive. Yours is likely to peak in the future (as in, your sex drive will increase). Not a good match. And considering you've cheated on him once already...
> 
> Get out while the getting is good.
> 
> C


I am actually ok with not having sex all the time, but I do not want it to become never. What other issues, besides the drinking do you see? 

Thanks for your comment, I appreciate it.


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## whisperingpine (Jan 2, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Love is not enough, unless you can live the rest of your life with sex once a month or less. It's one of the reasons I divorced my ex, although other issues contributed significantly. What you have now is a bit more than a great friendship. It would not work for me as a marriage.


Thanks for the advice. Do you have any advice about how to rekindle or do you think it is just too late, to far gone?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

whisperingpine said:


> I am actually ok with not having sex all the time, but I do not want it to become never. What other issues, besides the drinking do you see?
> 
> Thanks for your comment, I appreciate it.


I don't know... Maybe the fact that you've cheated on him, lied to him about it, you can't communicate to him about your problems (resorting to "joking" about the lack of sex)...

I say this as someone who cheated on his spouse... Right now, you're not ready for a committed relationship with anyone. You need to fix yourself first. What triggers your binge drinking? What kind of help are you getting to help you deal with this? A New Years resolution isn't going to magically fix your problems.

C


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I suggest IC and AA - to work on the relationship, you need to work on yourself. If he is not interested in sex, it could be due to declining testosterone levels - they decline with age. He should have a physical, have his T levels checked by someone who knows how to interpet things other than just "in normal range" as that can be too low to create sex drive. You've also been together long enough that the new relationship excitement has faded - to rekindle that takes effort, and one of the best ways I've heard about is to do something together outside your comfort zone (it could be anything from a dance class, to an uscripted trip to a foreign country, to whitewater rafting - the newness and/or risk and reliance on each other rebuilds the bond).


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

Do you think he knows you might have cheated which is making him shut down sex with you? Maybe you said something to him during one of your blackouts (you mentioned that you told him you wanted to break up one night and didnt remember saying that). I think to be fair to both of you, take a step back from moving forwared with getting married. There clearly some issues that need to be addressed. 

Also are you really taking responsibility for the cheating? Your first instinct was to question if the guy noticed your ring or not and not you just jeapordized your realtionship.

As for you, I would have a talk and not joke about your sex life. Find out what is really going on. If you are not satisfied now and there is no communication than dont go into it. You have already cheated. What's to say down the road your marriage is not meeting your needs, what is going to happen. That is not fair to either of you.


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## whisperingpine (Jan 2, 2014)

PBear said:


> I say this as someone who cheated on his spouse... Right now, you're not ready for a committed relationship with anyone. You need to fix yourself first. What triggers your binge drinking? What kind of help are you getting to help you deal with this? A New Years resolution isn't going to magically fix your problems.
> 
> C


I work alone, so I am lonely much of the time and I like to go to happy hour on Fridays to see people and have some human interactions. I do not drink at home or alone or everyday, but when I go out I end up overindulging. You're right that NYE resolution isn't magic. I am beginning an exercise routine and looking for a new hobby to meet people and do something that does not involve drinking.

The problem with me is that most of the time, even when he comes with me to happy hour, I drink too much. Sometimes I don't eat and I get served huge pours of wine and next thing you know, bam, blackout. 

I am trying to help myself by joining this forum and by using some online alcohol abuse forums to change. I can't afford a therapist. 

My job situation sucks and I need to change that as well. So yes, you're right I do have a lot of issues. 

Did you ever confess with your ex-wife? Should I? I think it would give me some relief, but only hurt him unnecessarily .




Married but Happy said:


> I suggest IC and AA - to work on the relationship, you need to work on yourself. If he is not interested in sex, it could be due to declining testosterone levels - they decline with age. He should have a physical, have his T levels checked by someone who knows how to interpet things other than just "in normal range" as that can be too low to create sex drive. You've also been together long enough that the new relationship excitement has faded - to rekindle that takes effort, and one of the best ways I've heard about is to do something together outside your comfort zone (it could be anything from a dance class, to an uscripted trip to a foreign country, to whitewater rafting - the newness and/or risk and reliance on each other rebuilds the bond).


Thank you for the advice. I am working on a plan to help myself be more responsible and healthy. Not sure how to bring up him having a physical, though maybe I can talk to him about my new goal of having a healthy lifestyle, exercising and not drinking as much. 

We have traveled a lot together which does help, but then when we get home it is same old, same old. I also feel like I am not contributing as much to the relationship because he pays our rent (I keep up the house, do all the laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc).

Appreciate the responses. Do you have any thoughts about confessing on the cheating?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I would find it very difficult to be into sex with a woman who is in pain and never orgasms with me. Add cheating to that and I figure this "relationship" is going nowhere fast.


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## whisperingpine (Jan 2, 2014)

Eagle3 said:


> Do you think he knows you might have cheated which is making him shut down sex with you? Maybe you said something to him during one of your blackouts (you mentioned that you told him you wanted to break up one night and didnt remember saying that). I think to be fair to both of you, take a step back from moving forwared with getting married. There clearly some issues that need to be addressed.


I sincerely hope not, but if so he has not brought it up or confronted me. If he did at this point I think I would just admit it and bear the result. It would be so sad if he broke up with me because of my cheating but I would understand. 



Eagle3 said:


> Also are you really taking responsibility for the cheating? Your first instinct was to question if the guy noticed your ring or not and not you just jeapordized your relationship.


I did panic about the fact that I had just ruined my relationship and figured that my fiancé would figure it out even if I didn't outright confess. Like I said, I was horrified. By the way, I never spoke to that guy again and I did not remember a single thing about the night. That in and of itself, even if I weren't in a relationship, is terrifying. I feel ill just thinking about it.

Other than confessing, I don't know how else to take responsibility except change my behavior. Meaning don't go out alone or stay out alone, and especially don't drink alone at a bar, and never do it again.



Eagle3 said:


> As for you, I would have a talk and not joke about your sex life. Find out what is really going on.


I thought joking about lack of sex was a healthy way to talk about it, but maybe not. You are right we need to have a serious conversation. I am just really afraid this will entail me confessing, him being extremely upset, us breaking up. The end and I do not want that. 

Can I have a discussion about our sex life without confessing? I am not trying to be selfish, except if that means my desire to stay in the relationship is being selfish.

Thank you.


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## whisperingpine (Jan 2, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I would find it very difficult to be into sex with a woman who is in pain and never orgasms with me. Add cheating to that and I figure this "relationship" is going nowhere fast.


I tell him that it hurts at first, but then is fine (which is true). We are both trying so hard to please the other that either I or him don't finish. It is not that I can't have an orgasm at all, just a rarely through intercourse.


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## whisperingpine (Jan 2, 2014)

Are there any sex books that anyone can recommend that are not overly "weird" or that will make him/me squeamish reading together?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

You need to end this, sorry, it won't get better.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

DO NOT MARRY this man, he is 10 yrs older than you...if Mid 40's and dating is nearly SexLess status...you say once a month, Just minus 2 in that in a years time...you would be considered true "Sexless"...and you haven't even hit your PRIME YET !! 

Oh No.. this is not going to work... end the madness...and go find a man who can fulfill your intimacy needs ...so you won't have to resort to joking instead of crying... cause you will -if you end up with this one...

Really..what is the issues.. is he masturbating to porn... is his Test low...on meds to zap his sex drive? And the drinking...unless you are going to share those type of things together... you might as well stay single.. and find another who is more compatible... even though sex is less than 10% of a marriage, when it is scant, it FEELS like 90% of your relationship issues. 

Also starting a marriage off with secrets... it's just a bad bad thing to do... it will hover over your intimacy even.


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## whisperingpine (Jan 2, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> DO NOT MARRY this man, he is 10 yrs older than you...if Mid 40's and dating is nearly SexLess status...you say once a month, Just minus 2 in that in a years time...you would be considered true "Sexless"...and you haven't even hit your PRIME YET !!


 We are 8 years apart in age; actually that is one of the things I like. He has his act together unlike most guys my age.



SimplyAmorous said:


> Really..what is the issues.. is he masturbating to porn... is his Test low...on meds to zap his sex drive?


No, He is not into porn, not on meds, and not sure about test ir if he has ever been T tested. 

I think my own guilt is the issue. Also, we have both gained weight since we met (me about 8 lbs, him closer to 25-30). I know he is self conscious about his weight.



SimplyAmorous said:


> And the drinking...unless you are going to share those type of things together... you might as well stay single.. and find another who is more compatible... even though sex is less than 10% of a marriage, when it is scant, it FEELS like 90% of your relationship issues.


You nailed it, lack of sex feels like a bigger deal than it is. In every other respect we get along and have similar interests (travel, scuba, good food). 

I agree the secrets are bad, but have done some reading on the issue of guilt and think it would do more harm than good to confess. Am I really wrong? Everyone has some secret, or secret, right?


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## whisperingpine (Jan 2, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> You need to end this, sorry, it won't get better.


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

whisperingpine said:


> We are 8 years apart in age; actually that is one of the things I like. He has his act together unlike most guys my age.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I think you have to figure out 2 things before you look at everything else. Are you going to tell him about the night you had? I am asking becasue if you decide not too and stay in your relationship, are you going to be able to never tell him? If you are already have guilty feelings now it will only get worse and if he finds out at a much later date you could have bigger problems to face. So you should either tell him now and hope he forigives and you work on things together, or sqaush it for good. 

So taking out the need to look into your drinking and the night of cheating (by the way i am not saying you are right or wrong, i am in no postion to judge you or anyone on this board, just giving my 2 cents), you really need to think about if you stay together are you going to be happy if your sex life doesn't change. You can think things are great in all other parts of your relationship and that is great, but over time if you are not getting what you want in that department, things will be real tough for you. Sex is importatnt to a lot of people in a lot of ways, so not being happy in that area is a huge deal and one you have to consider you might have to face going forward.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

As long as you can live with it I don't think you should confess because it would not help anything and it was just a mistake.

Are you using a good lube? I think these issues need to be resolved before you marry. His sex drive will most likely only go down from here unless he takes steps to change.


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## LoveLonely (Dec 8, 2013)

I will speak to the alcohol. And I will be brief. At a minimum, you need to do the following:
(and it is in the spirit of a REAL goal you can achieve instead of a New Year's resolution that will be broken).

Stop drinking for at LEAST one month. Two months is better.

The benefit? Your tolerance will be lower, and you will spend less money on alcohol. yet still be able to enjoy it. There is a good chance that you can enjoy it MORE after your tolerance is lowered to normal levels.

From that point on, follow these strict guidelines:

No more than one drink per hour.
No more than 14 drinks per week.
No more than 3 drinks per day most of the time. An OCCASIONAL 4th drink is okay.

If you have a low tolerance and follow those guidelines, you should be able to drink responsibly. If you repeatedly fail at the advice given above, then you have a more serious alcohol problem.

Not being mean, just being brief.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

He wouldnt want to marry you if he knew you lied and cheated. For the love of god don't marry him. He deserves better


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Have to admit I didn't even read more than the first couple of sentences of your post before rllying

DO NOT get married until you resolve this issue or this union will not last

Things like this are not fixed just because you "are in love"

Good luck


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