# Considering divorce, no kids, feeling that I want more in life



## Steve3286 (Nov 29, 2016)

Hi everyone,

My wife and I have been married for 5 years and I'll be honest its been a tough 5 years. We have argued nearly every day at least over something small, at most we have gone a couple days without arguing. Swearing at each other badly? Done dozens of times. Said extremely means things to one another? Yup. All of the arguing over the years has weighed on me and now I feel like I want out because I keep thinking there's someone else out there for me. Heck, every day I notice at least one women out in public and think "I wonder how much better my life would be with her". If today you asked me if I felt my wife is my soulmate I would say no and she would say the same thing.

There are so many things I can bring up to explain why I'm unhappy but here's the main ones

1. We have said so many mean things to one other it seems hard to look past them at times
2. Lack of intimacy. We have sex maybe once a month and never have anything to talk about afterwards. She wants to have kids and now it just feels like that's the next step...
3. I always lead the marriage. I'm the one always making the plans, booking the trips, suggesting things to do on our house, etc.
4. I'm very independent and have multiple hobbies. My wife's main hobby is watching TV, she blames her unhappinies with our marriage why as why she doesn't have any hobbies... I want to be with someone who wants to share their own interests with me
5. Religious differences. My wife and her family are more religious then me. I've felt uncomfortable a few times with how religious her family can become and she get's pissed if I bring it up later.
6. Weight. My wife and I have both gained a lot of weight since getting married and I think that has hurt us. I don't feel phyiscally attracted to her anymore and have little desire to get in shape again like I once was.

I'm feeling trapped as if my life is done and that the next step is to just have kids and hope things work out. The idea of being single again and doing whatever I want, traveling, seeing friends and just feeling independent again is something I dwell on more and more as this marriage goes on. I feel bad saying this but I actually like when my wife is gone for a day or I get home from work early as in those moments I feel like I'm me again. However, I also say to myself "Well, do you want to die alone", "maybe it will work out", "you haven't tried hard enough", and "maybe you won't find someone else".

My wife and I have come close to divorcing a couple times yet have never gone though with it. I think we both keep thinking that it will work out and are also afraid of feeling ashamed telling our family if we got a divorce. It's gotten so bad that I think I would miss our dog more (she would take the dog) then her...

What should I do?

Thank you


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

It sounds like you should get a divorce. Life is too short to be miserable for the rest of your life. Having kids because it is the next thing on the check list is a horrible reason to bring kids into the world. Children should be a product of love, not expectation. Plus if you know there are issues, you are not happy and see no way of fixing them, you have even less reason to bring a child into that.

But before you divorce, have you considered counselling. Both individually (for you) and couples. There was a reason why you married. It may be valid (real love) it may not be (you each found somebody). The result may be the same, but a least you can honestly tell yourself you tried.

Regardless of what happens I think you would benefit from counselling. While you long for your independence you are also fearful of it. The reality is that it is your independence that allows you to be the best you, that you can be. Loving yourself


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Ask yourself a simple question and answer it truthfully in your heart:

What value does she bring to my life?

A woman can't simply "exist" and bring value. It doesn't work that way, not really. However, if you've allowed her to think this by not acting like you deserve more, then this is a failing on your part. 

Daily arguing should not occur. I've not once argued with my H. We've had debates and serious discussions, sometimes confrontations, but never fighting or yelling. We respect each other and are more mature than that.

You'll be doomed to repeat the same mistakes in your next relationship unless you own your part in where you are now and work to change your context.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

1. We have said so many mean things to one other it seems hard to look past them at times. If you are capable of saying mean things to your current spouse you will more than likely do the same in your next relationship. You need to grow up before you consider dating again.
2. Lack of intimacy. We have sex maybe once a month and never have anything to talk about afterwards. She wants to have kids and now it just feels like that's the next step...Did the amount of intimacy decrease after marriage? You need to ask yourself why.
3. I always lead the marriage. I'm the one always making the plans, booking the trips, suggesting things to do on our house, etc. And how is that bad? Do you resent taking a leadership role or do you simply want less work?
4. I'm very independent and have multiple hobbies. My wife's main hobby is watching TV, she blames her unhappinies with our marriage why as why she doesn't have any hobbies... I want to be with someone who wants to share their own interests with me Marriage is a hobby killer. You can't be independent with multiple hobbies and expect to have time to invest in your marriage. That being said, what was her interest before marriage? 
5. Religious differences. My wife and her family are more religious then me. I've felt uncomfortable a few times with how religious her family can become and she get's pissed if I bring it up later. Why are you uncomfortable with that? Can you not accept difference in belief? And why would you bring it up later except to make unkind remarks about her family?
6. Weight. My wife and I have both gained a lot of weight since getting married and I think that has hurt us. I don't feel phyiscally attracted to her anymore and have little desire to get in shape again like I once was.Can you put yourself in your wife's position, that she may feel less attracted to you? What does you getting into shape have anything to do with how she looks? Do you work out just to attract women?

I'm not trying to be flippant. I feel for your predicament. But as a grown man, you need to make adult decisions based on full understanding of yourself and the people around you. Don't respond immediately. Please look deep into yourself and put some thought into it.

It's too easy to lash out at differing opinions. Many people fail at relationship because they treat conversation re-actively rather than contemplatively. Life is a classroom. We need to raise our hands before making a statement and respect the statements of others, no matter how stupid they may seem to you.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Others have pointed out that much of your discontentedness is where you have placed yourself in a place now one else can... there is so much you can do if you simply choose to.

It's easy to find fault... "if they hadn't MADE me walk down the hill I wouldn't have to walk back up it again"!

So much of this starts with respect... and everything starts with self. 

I've cursed enough in my life to carry many men's lifetimes and with such intensity to make a sailor blush... it became part of me every time I felt I needed to get a stern point across or reacted to what I thought an equal response. It's time to replace that which takes away with something that adds value... want to make an immediate improvement in everyone's attitudes? Tone is back... a lot. What value to you truly bring with it?

You listed lack of intimacy as #2 in your list... when we are out of sync with our partner this is always the first to go and the last to come back, yet we fail to remember that it's often all the other things for our wives/girlfriends/partners that build the closeness to desire that act of love... everything else is without heart.

And you lead... that is bad, why? What a wonderful way to offer your talents, does she complain if you do? If you lead and she complains about you leading then change your tone.. if this is happening, ask me about it later... I have some ideas for you.

The Buddha said "If you light a lamp for someone else, it will also brighten your path"... I love that saying, it's worth trying to live every day. 

I am sure you didn't date only in front of the television... what brought you together in the beginning? I am sure it wasn't an electronics store, but change does happen... as does faith. My sister's married family are fundamentalist Christians, my wife an Atheist, my Mother Southern Baptist, My brother Lutheran, and I am my namesake... we have never been uncomfortable about any discussion of faith or actions or differences because we accept another's Dharma door paths. Accept is a key word here... your discomfort is more about your confidence where you are than them in their faith because no one can make you feel bad about your beliefs unless you let them... 

Garbage in, pounds in... garbage not consumed, no pounds to accumulate and toxins out. Pretty simple health math really. 

Time to mindfully detox.. no diets allowed. Change your portions and the quality of foods you eat... seriously, you get a chance to lead without resentment here, but in the kitchen. Can the fried stuff completely... seriously, no take out anythings, no processed fried stuff... cut out the processed sugars and cut back the salt for 30 days. Steam ALL your veg, grains and seeds like quinoa, brown rice and starches like small red potatoes (just one with your meal, not four), whole grain non-GMO pastas, roasted chicken and broiled fish with a once or twice a week red-meat holiday... maybe a lean pork, ham, or beef but portioned right and fats trimmed.

And walk... walk your mindful backside off! Great for the mind and soul, wonderful self-reflection time.

I'd bet you your next dinner out you see three-five pounds gone the first month...

When I hear the word "trapped" I always think of the Eagles and a line from one of their songs... "So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains... and we never even know we have the key". This is so true... and true here. 

Do not bring any children into this until you have balanced out your life... you dwell on being single out of no other need than to remove the challenges of living with someone, and that takes work... not escapism. The more you want to run away, the easier it looks... as I mentioned in the beginning, it's all downhill and running makes it seam easier because once you pick up momentum, you travel fast... but your balance is off and we all know what happens when downhill at full pace... balance is lost and the slightest stumble send us crashing to the ground with skinned souls and broken selfs... then at the bottom bruised and hurt we have to pick ourselves back up and walk back up that hill.

You need to find you without incurring all that bruising...the best way to do that is avoid the downhill path.

I'm sure my sharing is know for recommending the value of meditation... lucky you! 

Seriously... you are missing out on so much by missing the calm moments you create and control in your life. You think you are calm when she isn't there, but it is a substitution for real calm as that calm should be there whether she is there or not... and that's all you to own. Want the simple guide? Buddha in Blue Jeans, it's even free for Kindle... please consider it.

Accept your weaknesses... there is no shame in seeing yourself where you truly are, struggling in your relationship. We all struggle at times, for many reasons... like you, we have the key... using it is choice.

Choose wisely... believe in your ability to implement the change you want to be and seek counseling if that path has more rocks than you can clear yourself.

Believe in yourself... and be with peace on that journey there.


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