# 2 years after DDay and counting....



## Imstrong123 (May 18, 2013)

It's been almost 2 years since I was finally confronted with reality. I couldn't cover my eyes anymore. His email was open and I went to April of 2009 when I knew he had cheated (the woman CALLED ME, but I just put a bag over my head). I found a double life. A stranger with 50+ online profiles, secret accounts, files with pictures, notes on the women, places...but it all had stopped 7 months prior to this D Day. Everything had stopped, and he wanted to keep it a secret.

He still lied when I confronted him, but stopped when he realized I just got it all...and it wasn't pretty. I think that more than anything...the disappointment was just the most difficult thing to deal with. The thought that the person I married, decided to have children with, left my family for, my country, my career, gave my life to....was so unbelievably incapable of remorse, true love, integrity. That I didn't notice, in a way, I enabled him, and in a very real way, I was part of his fantasy...if he didn't have anyone to cheat on, lie to, hide from.....where was the fantasy? He used me and my trust, my blind stupid trust, and I just can't get over this. 

He has tried, he is trying, and I know 100% he is not cheating, or thinking about it, he is an open book, no more secret accounts, or anything...so my question is: WAS it an addiction or just cheating? Because an addiction is an illness, and I can sort of deal with that idea, he has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder, not diagnosed by a Doctor but he checks every box), was abandoned as a child, with no mother and an alcoholic father...so I can understand him looking for validation and stuff....but if he was able to stop on his own, and now 2 years after DDay and he is the picture of integrity....then WHY? Did he did it just because he wanted and could? No remorse? 

He bought us a new lovely big house, he plans out romantic dinners and outings, he buys me flowers, he shows emotion now, and is so much more connected to our kids (who don't know), he seems happier and there are no more put downs or criticisms (they were constant, for years)....but I just don't feel "the same". Even though before finding out I was already thinking the marriage was over, because of the way he treated me, I was convinced he not only didn't love me but didn't even like me...I was sleeping in another room and I think that somehow, that must have caused him to realize he was, after all, losing me. So he got over it, and forgot about it so much so, that he forgot his secret email account open, and I found out.

What should I do? My kids are great, in College, he is a good father, now even better because he is connected emotionally to all of us...I don't have a real career and I'm hoping to start one soon but it could take a couple of years (study) to start...Some days, I think that I could live without him...I won't miss him at all, is like I've fallen out of love and is driving me mad because I didn't want this, I wanted to be with him forever, and love him, and take care of him...and he took my heart and ripped it out and threw it away...and I don't know if I could get it back. 

Should I stay with this new version of him? Recovered? Healthy? Romantic? Wonderful? it seems all I can see is the past...how can I move on? How can I love him, again the way I used to love him? Is that even possible?


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Wow, I hope people chime in, as I'm curious myself... 

-sammy


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Imstrong,

No one can answer that question for you. But I will say that if you are still feeling this way after two years with an apparently remorseful husband; you're behind schedule on the R continuum. 

It's about this time that things should start improving for you, but it sometimes takes longer. Usually, if there is a false R, it's because the CS has not demonstrated remorse. You say he has.

So it boils down to finding a way to calculate your future happiness. If that calculation comes up short; no one should blame you for moving on without him - even after two years and even with a remorseful spouse.

Such is the pervasive damage that infidelity can cause.


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## Imstrong123 (May 18, 2013)

badmemory said:


> Imstrong,
> 
> No one can answer that question for you. But I will say that if you are still feeling this way after two years with an apparently remorseful husband; you're behind schedule on the R continuum.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Imstrong123 (May 18, 2013)

Imstrong123 said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you. I think you are right. Although he is remorseful I feel he wants to forget it ever happened and that's what I'm afraid of...it went on for so many years with me looking the other way that I want him to know I will never forget this. I think I'm holding on to this pain because I'm afraid to let go and have this happened all over again (as if I can do anything about his decisions).

I will talk to him about this and about going to some retreat or therapy together. I will take my own advice and distract myself the moment I start thinking about this because it has become an obsession. Yes I would like him to say sorry every day but he does say it in other ways ("I'm grateful for you", "thank you for being with me". And so forth), and as I said he is a straight arrow....now. So, I will try NOT to think about this every day, every second, knowing that I can't control someone else's choices, character and feelings. Knowing that if he ever, ever cheats again I will leave. But I can't let that take over my life now. Is like hanging out to the past and denying myself the future. 

Thank you for your help!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Imstrong123 said:


> Yes *I would like him to say sorry every day* but he does say it in other ways ("I'm grateful for you", "thank you for being with me". And so forth)


Yeah, I'd like for my WW to say that too, at least every few weeks. She doesn't; but like your husband she does it in her own way by displaying love/affection. So we are happy enough for now - 2 and a half years past DD.

Could she do better? Probably, but there's no such thing as a perfectly remorseful WS. And it's understandable that after a time, WS's want to move forward and not open up wounds - neither your hurt or their regret. However, if this is something that really bothers you, tell him; and see how he responds. At least give him that opportunity before you would make a decision to leave him.

As we've found out, R is hard - even with a repentant spouse. For you, I hope things improve with time. They have for me.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Imstrong123 said:


> It's been almost 2 years since I was finally confronted with reality. I couldn't cover my eyes anymore. His email was open and I went to April of 2009 when I knew he had cheated (the woman CALLED ME, but I just put a bag over my head). I found a double life. A stranger with 50+ online profiles, secret accounts, files with pictures, notes on the women, places...but it all had stopped 7 months prior to this D Day. Everything had stopped, and he wanted to keep it a secret.
> 
> He still lied when I confronted him, but stopped when he realized I just got it all...and it wasn't pretty. I think that more than anything...the disappointment was just the most difficult thing to deal with. The thought that the person I married, decided to have children with, left my family for, my country, my career, gave my life to....was so unbelievably incapable of remorse, true love, integrity. That I didn't notice, in a way, I enabled him, and in a very real way, I was part of his fantasy...if he didn't have anyone to cheat on, lie to, hide from.....where was the fantasy? He used me and my trust, my blind stupid trust, and I just can't get over this.
> 
> ...


I honestly don't know how you move on. I am three years out and not with my cheating spouse anymore. To this day I can't watch a movie or hear a song about infidelity and not get ill....and I'm not even with her so that must be really hard. My question to you is while I know he isn't cheating now are you certain he won't ever do it again?


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I too wish I knew the secret of how to move on and forget and grow back together, as I am nowhere near the women or wife I was before his affair. I just cant go back and be her, act like her, do things she did, think or feel the way she thought or felt. None of it is because I don't want to, and none of it is because I don't love my H. It just I am so changed by it all. He changed the whole playing field, the whole team members. The crazy part about it all, I really loved what we had together, and I liked myself as well. 

I read the stories of people lives, or spouses, and I hear how horrible some are with each other. How horrible some marriage really are, and I think OMG!!!! these people are nuts!... and I curse myself, because now I'm just so different, so different,...I wish I never had to go through this. 

-sammy


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Imstrong123 said:


> What should I do? My kids are great, in College, he is a good father, now even better because he is connected emotionally to all of us...I don't have a real career and I'm hoping to start one soon but it could take a couple of years (study) to start...Some days, I think that I could live without him...I won't miss him at all, is like I've fallen out of love and is driving me mad because I didn't want this, I wanted to be with him forever, and love him, and take care of him...and he took my heart and ripped it out and threw it away...and I don't know if I could get it back.


All I'll say is don't feel guilty about the way you feel.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

You are terrified this will happen again. This fear cripples and paralyzes you.

If he's an open book, this has nothing to do with him.

You read as if you have PTSD up the yin yang.

That is something that can be treated.

So, get treatment.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

If he stopped on his own accord then that is a sign of security for you, he had no ultimatum he chose you, he chose his W above all the others, that should make you feel special.

I totally get the not letting go, I have trouble myself, but I will not let it define my M.

If there is complete transparency then there should be little doubt in your mind as to whether or not there are things to worry for, but being smart and making sure that there are boundaries that he must respect is paramount to success.

You are in a better place, he feels ashamed of what he did but you should not feel guilt or shame for your own feelings that have arisen from this, it is very normal to doubt and often reminding yourself of the past keeps you grounded but at the same time it does not help to continue to remind yourself if life has gotten better.

Good communication is the key to success!!!


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

I'm worried when I see you ask if you can call what he did an addiction, because you equate addiction with illness (rightfully so) you feel that telling yourself that he was sick will allow you to "just get over it," and move on. 

Unfortunately, when people suffer from NPD (and you really should have a psychiatrist diagnose him, being an internet doctor is not a good idea) and other significant personality disorders, rarely understand that they need help, and will resist the idea of intensive individual counseling, which in most cases is the only thing that will have an impact. They feel entitled to act in a self serving manner while minimizing the damage their delusions cause. 

In some cases, they can be the OM/OW for themselves and their delusions. You wont know how entrenched these feelings are until they are openly confronted.

Why did you agree to keep this issue in the dark from your kids/family? You said he left his secret email account open, when did this happen, and what was in it?


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Imstrong123 said:


> That I didn't notice, in a way, I enabled him, and in a very real way, I was part of his fantasy...if he didn't have anyone to cheat on, lie to, hide from.....where was the fantasy?


Powerful statement.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Should I stay with this new version of him? Recovered? Healthy? Romantic? Wonderful? it seems all I can see is the past...how can I move on? How can I love him, again the way I used to love him? Is that even possible


You and your husband became disconnected years ago and your husband got involved with another woman and cheated. You confronted him but he had already stopped on his own 7 months prior. *You are convinced 100% that he stopped cheating and is a very good husband and father*.






> Should I stay with this new version of him? Recovered? Healthy? Romantic? Wonderful? it seems all I can see is the past...how can I move on? How can I love him, again the way I used to love him? Is that even possible



It is possible to get a LOT back in terms of your positive relationship with your husband. Yes, enough so that you have a good life. You may not like this but according to your words he has done a LOT to help himself and you. *The ball is in your court for the most part. *



You ask if you should stay with him. My answer, based on your post is yes. 
WHY? Will there is many reasons but I will just name a few:


1	You have had your youth with your husband
2	You have children with your husband
3	He is a good father and husband
4	He is doing a LOT to try and make up for his serious betrayal
5	He is connected emotional to you all
6	Your chances of doing better by yourself or with another man are probably not even 50/50. I know that is not very romantic but asking yourself the question of “are you better with him or with out him”
is a very important question.


*



How can I love him?

Click to expand...

*You can not gain in love if you are still angry, resentful, or feeling that you were shyt on! *You were shyt on so now one of the ways to get better is to forgive*; *not because he deserves it but because you are going to give him grace*. Grace is a very high attribute of love. We like to talk about all the gooey, gushy stuff of love and all the good feelings about love. When it gets to really doing the hard stuff of love we do not want to face that sometimes.



I would answer your question by asking yu to take a very close look at forgiveness and all that goes with that. That is when a good top professional in that specific field is so very valuable. Now, some people stop at getting a good professional but remember *in the end it is going to come down to YOU doing your part and that part will be the hardest.*

Your situation has a better than 50/50 chance of you recovering to a high degree if you and your husband do your part. *At this point it seems that you need to step up on your part. That IS NOT giving your cheater husband a pass it is reality if you want to get better and R. *


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Well hon you are in tough spot for sure. The amount of online profiles is disturbing. That shows severe intent on his part, to do the wrong thing, over and over again. The childhood issues raises a lot of questions. In short your husband needs a serious intervention in a Phd, way. You are not equipped to manage this alone. Your good nature, solid moral code and the commitment to marriage are strong attributes to have. Where was somebody like you, for me five years ago  I wish you much luck, you are in a tough spot.


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