# Connecting Emotionally



## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi,
My husband is a very emotional guy. He and I don't connect on an emotional level. This is really killing the relationship. I really want to be there emotionally for him, but sometimes it's hard to talk to him. We have been married for 15yrs. I need help as to what would you do to emotionallly satisfy your husband. I am willing to change who and what i am to work this out.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I'mtired said:


> Hi,
> My husband is a very emotional guy. He and I don't connect on an emotional level. This is really killing the relationship. I really want to be there emotionally for him, but sometimes it's hard to talk to him. We have been married for 15yrs. I need help as to what would you do to emotionallly satisfy your husband. I am willing to change who and what i am to work this out.


Genreally if your husband IS an emotional guy, this flows more naturally - so I am at a loss here. I hear many more women saying thier men are COLD with little emotion, and they can not connect. 

Talk to him, Get this book about the 5 Love Languages, take some tests together to learn how, what, each of you crave from the other -for starters . 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-languages-how-does-affect-your-marraige.html

.


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

What do I say to break the tension?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'mtired said:


> What do I say to break the tension?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Is he angry with you? What are you tense about?


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

I will, well tonight I want to try to talk to him again, but focus on his feelings and try to develop from there. Know it will be hard, because I know he not feeling me right now. Thanks for sharing with me, I will be praying for you and your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Is he angry with you? What are you tense about?


He says he's not, but you can tell in his voice that he is. He got off at 10:00 last night, it didn't come home until almost 1:00am and told me it wasn't my business where he was.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'mtired said:


> He says he's not, but you can tell in his voice that he is. He got off at 10:00 last night, it didn't come home until almost 1:00am and told me it wasn't my business where he was.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



So something happened in the last 48 hours? last week? I can't imagine a husband coming out of the blue with that statement.


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

Well we were at church Sunday at a marriage conference. He heard something being said by one of the ministers, he shared with me that what was being said reflected on our marriage and it hurt him. I didn't respond to him in the fashion that he wanted me to. And instead of him telling me this on Sunday, it rolled over in to Monday night when I felt like something was wrong. He wants you to discern things when he does or you pushing away or don't care about his feelings, and that's not the case.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

I'mtired said:


> Well we were at church Sunday at a marriage conference. He heard something being said by one of the ministers, he shared with me that what was being said reflected on our marriage and it hurt him. I didn't respond to him in the fashion that he wanted me to. And instead of him telling me this on Sunday, it rolled over in to Monday night when I felt like something was wrong. He wants you to discern things when he does or you pushing away or don't care about his feelings, and that's not the case.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I couldn't go to sleep I was so bothered.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'mtired said:


> Well we were at church Sunday at a marriage conference. He heard something being said by one of the ministers, he shared with me that what was being said reflected on our marriage and it hurt him. I didn't respond to him in the fashion that he wanted me to. And instead of him telling me this on Sunday, it rolled over in to Monday night when I felt like something was wrong. He wants you to discern things when he does or you pushing away or don't care about his feelings, and that's not the case.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



So he shared how he felt, and told you it hurt, and what did you say? Were you sensitive to his feelings at that point or did you brush him off?

If your husband tells you something that's on his heart, I think it's wise to listen to what he says and respond in a tender way. The way he communicates things to you require kidd gloves, and it sounds like instead of gently receiving it, you hit him with a hammer.


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

No I didn't brush it off I was replying to him. But I wasn't as sincere as I could've been. Tell me something, ow would you want your wife to come to you in the aftermath.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'mtired said:


> No I didn't brush it off I was replying to him. But I wasn't as sincere as I could've been. Tell me something, ow would you want your wife to come to you in the aftermath.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


An apology for not being sensitive to what he told you would help, and a promise to take his words more sincerely in the future could go over very well.

Then after that, some make-up sex. :smthumbup:


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> An apology for not being sensitive to what he told you would help, and a promise to take his words more sincerely in the future could go over very well.
> 
> Then after that, some make-up sex. :smthumbup:


Okay, coming from a sensitive emotional man, I will do just 
that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'mtired said:


> Okay, coming from a sensitive emotional man, I will do just
> that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Actually I'm a woman, with an emotionally sensitive husband. I've had to learn to navigate his sensitivity over the years, and in doing so have learned how to express myself in a way that doesn't tear him down when he's feeling vulnerable.

Apologies go a long way. Sincere ones, with a true effort in changing my responses in the future. You can get a message across, but it's how you do it that needs tweaking. Then of course, make up sex or intimacy (initiated by me) makes him feel more secure about telling me things in the future. I want him to really see that I understand and love him for sharing his vulerablility with me by being vulnerable to him as well.

The saying is true in your case, it's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it.


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

Sorry, about the gender. Thank you so much. How long have you been married?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'mtired said:


> Sorry, about the gender. Thank you so much. How long have you been married?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


9 years next week.


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> 9 years next week.


Congratulations. My heart is deeply saddened about the choice I made. I will take you advice. Never too old to learn something from a younger in years couple. may I ask your age? I am 35
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'mtired said:


> Congratulations. My heart is deeply saddened about the choice I made. I will take you advice. Never too old to learn something from a younger in years couple. may I ask your age? I am 35
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


LOL. Actually, I'm older than you... 41 

I've been around the block though, this isn't my first marriage. It's okay to make the mistake, we all do it. You at least recognize what that mistake is, and want to fix it and that's half the battle right there. Your husbands response to you is out of hurt, it's not the most mature way to deal with the hurt, but it's what he knows to do... shut you out and lick his wounds.

Tell him tonight when you see him how sorry you really are, and you want to make things right. He'll come around. If he's anything like my husband he'll pretend at first that what you said didn't mean anything, but once you start kissing on him he'll get over it.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

And thanks for the congrats!!!


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

Okay  You are truly a blessing to me today. I will let you know how tonight went. Honestly I am scared to approach him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'mtired said:


> Okay  You are truly a blessing to me today. I will let you know how tonight went. Honestly I am scared to approach him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't be scared!!! Go get your husband girl. I believe in you!!


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

Okay, so what should I say if he comes home at 1:00am ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'mtired said:


> Okay, so what should I say if he comes home at 1:00am ?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think I would put a call to him and ask if he's going to be late tonight. Tell him you want to share something with him that's very important. Or do something nice for him and have it waiting, tell him you have a surprise for when he gets home.

If he's a stubborn man, he'll keep this silent treatment up with you for a couple more days. If he's not, he'll be interested in what you have to say and come home on time.

My husband is stubborn, but he's very curious too. LOL


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

He won't answer his job line or his cell, should I just leave a voicemail and a text?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'mtired said:


> He won't answer his job line or his cell, should I just leave a voicemail and a text?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would, yes. Then it's on him to pick the communication back up... he can't say you didn't reach out to him and try. If he insists with this row, you let him. Be kind to him anyways. At some point he will have to stop being immature and have a conversation with you about all of this. Right now his pride is keeping him from letting his guard down again with you.


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

Okay, I'll do that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

I sent him a text and left a voicemail on his job and cell line.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

I'mtired,

As a man, I have two sides. My manly side, and my emotional side.

As a man, I am conditioned not to express my emotional side. It makes me weak, needy, and makes me feel emasculated. And as you can see from this site, many women feel turned off by such weakness.

That being said, in my humble opinion, you want to connect with that side of your husband, do so with few words. If you talk to him too much about his feelings, you just may get him to avoid conversation and you too. Recognize his feelings when he expresses them, confirm that you understand them through your actions towards him. Sure, sex is a great way to pacify him. But just as important is respect, appriciation and admiration. When you openly give all of this to him, he will most likely give the same in return.

That make sense?


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

Yes it does. Thanks!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

I don't think a man is weak for showing his emotions that's a plus, it when it's over excessive then it turns into a minus
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

@ RD I registered on your website
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

I'mtired said:


> I don't think a man is weak for showing his emotions that's a plus, it when it's over excessive then it turns into a minus
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think that's admirable. But how does your husband know where that line is?

If he uses trial and error to find out, what damage does he create in the process? For you and him?


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

It causes great damage, it I don't think he knows where that line is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

I'mtired said:


> It causes great damage, it I don't think he knows where that line is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think many men don't know where that line is. Just as many women don't know either, they just expect thier man to figure it out. 

Without writing a book here. You know your husband and how he reacts to things. So you tell me what you think you should do?


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

I honestly need to apologize for be insensitive to his hurt. Although it wasn't intentional, he deserves that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Silent treatments and avoidance on his part are ridiculous.

He needs to grow up..

However you expecting to connect emotionally is difficult.

Guys don't like to talk about emotions unless they understand their wife's NEED for that.

I learned that after the ILYNILWY night two years ago. She specifically mentioned an "emotional disconnect". So I learned about that inside and out.

I learned to expose myself emotionally some times to my wife and be more expressive about details and things that bother me or excite me. I understand that is a need of women. It DOES NOT come naturally for a man. It helps my wife build a new stronger emotional connection to me.

That was part of the problem two years ago... I wouldn't express myself to her. That is some of what caused her disconnect. Now she eats it up... I talk details and always give her my full undivided attention and look her straight in the eye. We are rebuilding that connection. She now talks with me much more and share a lot more of her life. Its fun.

I think your husband needs a reality check... his "emotional" behavior is out of balance. Don't let him get away with childish behavior make him reassess what you need out of the relationship.

Men need it spelled out... a serious reality check works. Tell him you are not happy and explain why. Tell him you are missing the emotional connect with him and that it's up to him to provide that to you. Let him figure out on his own what that means. Give him time to figure it out. Tell him silence is a huge turn off for you.

Just be sure to reward good new behaviors in him. He will eventually get it. Like I did.


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

Thank you!!!! He really is a good man, it's just he is more emotional than me. All he requires is communication, but it's always on the emotional level. Idk what to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

I'mtired said:


> I honestly need to apologize for be insensitive to his hurt. Although it wasn't intentional, he deserves that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree, as did abitmuch. I just wanted you to make that decision from your own heart, as when you do, you won't need to question it.

I believe one thing about appologies, "appologies without change don't mean squat" So if you are going to appologize, then you should also express where you were wrong and how you are going to try to recognize this in the future and attempt to change. If you can make this part of your way of operating, then later, there should not be a problem with asking the same from him. Its a baby step to creating change.

That make sense?


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

We both share our problems we initiated and also mistakenly brought into our marriage, and he never leaves my past in the past, e always brings it up when he is not emotionaly satisfied.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

@RDJ, I almost never fall through with what I say, it this time, want not be the problem. So I am ready to sincerely apologize to him with his best interest at heart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

RDJ said:


> I agree, as did abitmuch. I just wanted you to make that decision from your own heart, as when you do, you won't need to question it.
> 
> I believe one thing about appologies, "appologies without change don't mean squat" So if you are going to appologize, then you should also express where you were wrong and how you are going to try to recognize this in the future and attempt to change. If you can make this part of your way of operating, then later, there should not be a problem with asking the same from him. Its a baby step to creating change.
> 
> That make sense?


I agree totally.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

Well guys, and A bit much, i spoke to him last night from my heart. He came home around 12:30 -1:00. I came as peacable as i could. he didn't really want to hear what i had to say, but at least he knows. I am gonna go through a change within myself to become more emotional like him. I really apologized to him with everything I had and he still said you're just talking words. It makes me feel bad , but had i been emotional towards him in the beginning, I probably wouldn't be in this dilema.


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## blissful (Nov 14, 2011)

I'mtired said:


> Well guys, and A bit much, i spoke to him last night from my heart. He came home around 12:30 -1:00. I came as peacable as i could. he didn't really want to hear what i had to say, but at least he knows. I am gonna go through a change within myself to become more emotional like him. I really apologized to him with everything I had and he still said you're just talking words. It makes me feel bad , but had i been emotional towards him in the beginning, I probably wouldn't be in this dilema.


ok, look you did what you could- you apologised sincerely, now the ball is in his court. realistically one can't expect you to do more than that. repeatedly asking for forgiveness for something that was UNINTENTIONAL is silly. 

I would suggest that you move forward with this- still keeping the communication lines open. be receptive to him when he decides to engage with you, but do not get totally hung up on his moods, his emotions etc- you also need to look after your needs.

I think that once everything clms down in a few days or so, then approach him & explain that you aren't extremely emotional & sometimes that may seem as if you are a bit unreceptive. promise to work on that- & find concrete ways of doing so- maybe somebody else has a recommendation. however, for his part your H needs to be able to better COMMUNICATE his feelings & needs toward you. if he can do this you will be able to better fulfill his needs. the silent treatment he gives is not helpful at all.


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

:lol: You said a mouthful there. It's a job being married to him, but we grew up together. lived down the street from each other. I love him and i know i can be a headache sometimes, but, jsut like he don't think he that bad where he can't talk to me, i don't think i'm that bad off where he can't talk to me. but I have to scarafice who i am for the sake of this marriage. we have a 17 yr old and a 12 yr old.


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

more communication emotionally


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'mtired said:


> Well guys, and A bit much, i spoke to him last night from my heart. He came home around 12:30 -1:00. I came as peacable as i could. he didn't really want to hear what i had to say, but at least he knows. I am gonna go through a change within myself to become more emotional like him. I really apologized to him with everything I had and he still said you're just talking words. It makes me feel bad , but had i been emotional towards him in the beginning, I probably wouldn't be in this dilema.


It sounds like he's stubborn, and intent on sulking. That's okay. You expressed to him how sincerely sorry you were, and now it's time to move forward. You go right ahead and do that. If he's going to be immature and silly about it all, let him. Continue to be kind to him and show him that you really meant what you said. Maybe he'll come around in the next couple of days, but if he doesn't, you should address it with him.

"I love you, and I want to try to make things right with you. I need to know if you're on board with that plan with me?"

Keep the ball in his court. He has to be made accountable now for continuing the strife in your relationship... which I'm thinking he's not done before. It's time for him to grow up. The old way that you two used to communicate has to change.


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

Okay
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

I'mtired said:


> Hi,
> My husband is a very emotional guy. He and I don't connect on an emotional level. This is really killing the relationship. I really want to be there emotionally for him, but sometimes it's hard to talk to him. We have been married for 15yrs. I need help as to what would you do to emotionallly satisfy your husband. I am willing to change who and what i am to work this out.


It speaks a lot about your good will to see you taking the initiative here. You see that your h needs to feel emotionally connected and talking about it has been difficult. Verbal communication is one (good) way to connect, but it is from the only way. 

You feel that you apologized sincerely but the feedback you got from your h was different from what you expected. This confirms that verbal communication is not working effectively. In my own case, my w was so sarcastic and condescending for so long that I now have great difficulty accepting a sincere apology on an emotional level because I can't internally differentiate the real thing from the legacy of derisive sarcasm. I'm not saying this is what happened for you, I'm just sharing that we have problems communicating verbally. We have started using frequent and consistent nonverbal touching to rebuild our emotional connection so we can use the base of trust we develop for better interpretation of verbal communication in the future. We still have a lot of trouble connecting verbally.

When verbal communication is not successful in promoting the emotional connection you are trying to get going, try something else. Physically reaching out always communicates connection and is unlikely to be misinterpreted. Turning your face (and your body) toward your partner is usually a good signal. Facial expressions, tone of voice, touching hands, all these can express connection. Periods of undivided attention also promote connection. None of these things requires talking about sensitive issues. Don't psychoanalyze. Don't second guess. Don't get hung up over his responses. Just be persistent in reaching out and trying to connect. I got my wife to move from 95 percent turning away to almost 50 percent turning toward me in a couple weeks, just by being persistent and avoiding destructive verbal communication.


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> It speaks a lot about your good will to see you taking the initiative here. You see that your h needs to feel emotionally connected and talking about it has been difficult. Verbal communication is one (good) way to connect, but it is from the only way.
> 
> You feel that you apologized sincerely but the feedback you got from your h was different from what you expected. This confirms that verbal communication is not working effectively. In my own case, my w was so sarcastic and condescending for so long that I now have great difficulty accepting a sincere apology on an emotional level because I can't internally differentiate the real thing from the legacy of derisive sarcasm. I'm not saying this is what happened for you, I'm just sharing that we have problems communicating verbally. We have started using frequent and consistent nonverbal touching to rebuild our emotional connection so we can use the base of trust we develop for better interpretation of verbal communication in the future. We still have a lot of trouble connecting verbally.
> 
> When verbal communication is not successful in promoting the emotional connection you are trying to get going, try something else. Physically reaching out always communicates connection and is unlikely to be misinterpreted. Turning your face (and your body) toward your partner is usually a good signal. Facial expressions, tone of voice, touching hands, all these can express connection. Periods of undivided attention also promote connection. None of these things requires talking about sensitive issues. Don't psychoanalyze. Don't second guess. Don't get hung up over his responses. Just be persistent in reaching out and trying to connect. I got my wife to move from 95 percent turning away to almost 50 percent turning toward me in a couple weeks, just by being persistent and avoiding destructive verbal communication.


I will try that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> It speaks a lot about your good will to see you taking the initiative here. You see that your h needs to feel emotionally connected and talking about it has been difficult. Verbal communication is one (good) way to connect, but it is from the only way.
> 
> When verbal communication is not successful in promoting the emotional connection you are trying to get going, try something else. Physically reaching out always communicates connection and is unlikely to be misinterpreted.


This is so spot on. I've been married 21 years, and just in the last few months have learned how emotional my husband is and how important that emotional connection between us is to him. For all those years I thought that since he didn't talk to me about how he felt very much, or tell me that he needed that connection that he just didn't. I use to actually joke about the fact that I wasn't sure he had a heart. I just cringe every time I think about that. We had a real rude awakening recently, and I found out just how little I really knew about him. I found out that he still has a hard time telling me how he feels or what he's thinking if I just sit there and interrogate him. One night though we started off just being physically close, sitting on the couch together watching a movie, and I started giving him a neck and back rub and running my fingers down his arms, and all the sudden he turns around and says out of the blue how much he missed just being close to each other and having me touch him and hold him. He told me about the things that had been bothering him lately, the stress he was feeling, everything I'd suspected but hadn't been able to get him to talk about. It was like that physical closeness relaxed him to the point that he forgot what a manly-man is suppose to want or need or say and he just said what he really felt. I was just shocked, never had he ever told me he liked that or missed it. 
Now I never interrogate, I just rub and kiss and grope him until he tells me all his secrets. More fun than talking anyway :awink:


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

I'mAllIn said:


> This is so spot on. I've been married 21 years, and just in the last few months have learned how emotional my husband is and how important that emotional connection between us is to him. For all those years I thought that since he didn't talk to me about how he felt very much, or tell me that he needed that connection that he just didn't. I use to actually joke about the fact that I wasn't sure he had a heart. I just cringe every time I think about that. We had a real rude awakening recently, and I found out just how little I really knew about him. I found out that he still has a hard time telling me how he feels or what he's thinking if I just sit there and interrogate him. One night though we started off just being physically close, sitting on the couch together watching a movie, and I started giving him a neck and back rub and running my fingers down his arms, and all the sudden he turns around and says out of the blue how much he missed just being close to each other and having me touch him and hold him. He told me about the things that had been bothering him lately, the stress he was feeling, everything I'd suspected but hadn't been able to get him to talk about. It was like that physical closeness relaxed him to the point that he forgot what a manly-man is suppose to want or need or say and he just said what he really felt. I was just shocked, never had he ever told me he liked that or missed it.
> Now I never interrogate, I just rub and kiss and grope him until he tells me all his secrets. More fun than talking anyway :awink:


Sounds good
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

I'mtired said:


> Sounds good
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What if he doesn't want me to touch him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

I'mtired said:


> What if he doesn't want me to touch him
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you touch each other outside of bed at all now? Even if you don't I really don't think that he won't want you to touch him, it just might seem wierd or uncomfortable at first. If so just go slow. Maybe start off by noticing that he has on a shirt that you like and saying "you look great in that shirt" and touching his chest while you say it. If he's sitting at the table and you walk by him brush your hand along his shoulders, things that feel natural to start with. Then if you're watching tv or reading or something and sitting apart from each other if you just asked him if you could sit by him he'd most likely say yes. Then just start slow, a touch on the hand, up his arm, if he seems to like that tell him he seems a little tense, would he like a back rub. If it's been a while since you were physically close to him other than sex it might take a few nights of this kind of attention for him to really relax and stop wondering what in the he!! has gotten into his wife, but I really think he'll come around and start to accept that you're sincere in wanting to be close to him.


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

When he's not feeling me, he don't even look my way. You see he works from 1:00 to 10pm and I have to get up at 5:00am so he comes to bed around 3:00am and I go to bed around 12 yet to at least see him before I go to sleep.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

I'mtired said:


> What if he doesn't want me to touch him
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you are sleeping together in the same bed, touch the top of his foot with your foot


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

I'mtired said:


> When he's not feeling me, he don't even look my way. You see he works from 1:00 to 10pm and I have to get up at 5:00am so he comes to bed around 3:00am and I go to bed around 12 yet to at least see him before I go to sleep.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are not getting enough sleep... 5 hours? That affects you and how he perceives you.

I think you need a 180... quit being so available to him. Give him a chance to miss you... go to bed earlier. 

You are likely smothering acting like a puppy dog around him desperate for attention and that's why he's ignoring you.

Let him come to you. Be more mysterious... less available. Get your own hobbies. He'll notice.

Let him go... he'll come around eventually. In essence change what has not worked!


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

I'mtired said:


> When he's not feeling me, he don't even look my way. You see he works from 1:00 to 10pm and I have to get up at 5:00am so he comes to bed around 3:00am and I go to bed around 12 yet to at least see him before I go to sleep.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know it might be impossible as jobs are hard to come by right now, but I'm still going to ask. Is there any way at all that you guys can change things so that you're on more of the same schedule? I know that you have to pay the bills etc, but if it comes down to not being able to fix your marriage unless you can spend more real time together could you guys find a way?


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

I'mtired said:


> Well we were at church Sunday at a marriage conference. He heard something being said by one of the ministers, he shared with me that what was being said reflected on our marriage and it hurt him. I didn't respond to him in the fashion that he wanted me to. And instead of him telling me this on Sunday, it rolled over in to Monday night when I felt like something was wrong. He wants you to discern things when he does or you pushing away or don't care about his feelings, and that's not the case.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He sounds like a childish manipulating baby


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Those small touch's when you can, along with,In your own words, a simple little note when you leave in the morning that expresses how you are "happy" that you are togather.

There were times that I would have given anything just to have my wife express that she was "happy" with me and us being married.

Baby steps! Nothing overbearing, just show him you love him.


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

When he's not feeling me, he don't even look my way. You see he works from 1:00 to 10pm and I have to get up at 5:00am so he comes to bed around 3:00am and I go to bed around 12 yet to at least see him before I go to sleep.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

RDJ said:


> Those small touch's when you can, along with,In your own words, a simple little note when you leave in the morning that expresses how you are "happy" that you are togather.
> 
> There were times that I would have given anything just to have my wife express that she was "happy" with me and us being married.
> 
> Baby steps! Nothing overbearing, just show him you love him.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

Okay. Pretty sure he will throw it away, but I will show him anyway that I do love him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> If you are sleeping together in the same bed, touch the top of his foot with your foot


What reaction should I look for?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Tired,

You seem unsure?

You say HE wants an emotional connection. Yet you think he would trow away a note. You worry about his reaction to your touch?

Are you sure it is him that wants the emotional connection???


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

Yes, I am sure it's him. I mean I do too but I'm not overreacting about it. I'm definitely going to do it just because he is my husband and I will fight for my marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

I'mtired said:


> Yes, I am sure it's him. I mean I do too but I'm not overreacting about it. I'm definitely going to do it just because he is my husband and I will fight for my marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Can you give a better example of what he is expressing to you?


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

RDJ said:


> Can you give a better example of what he is expressing to you?


_Posted via Mobile Device_

Well he wants to talk about the past hurts, i dont like dwelling on the past.If I give him an answer. And it's not enough for him, then I am no meeting his emotional needs. is this example okay ?


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

I'mtired said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> Well he wants to talk about the past hurts, i dont like dwelling on the past.If I give him an answer. And it's not enough for him, then I am no meeting his emotional needs. is this example okay ?


Sorry! does not express much detail?

I don't mean to pry into your personal life if your not comfortable sharing it. But I am curious what was said at church that got him all worked up? That may shed some light on where he is coming from?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

I'mtired said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> Well he wants to talk about the past hurts, i dont like dwelling on the past.If I give him an answer. And it's not enough for him, then I am no meeting his emotional needs. is this example okay ?


Yes, this is as excellent example. He is carrying hurt in his heart over past events and he sees that this hurt is blocking emotional intimacy. He thinks that by talking things through with you, he can be unburdened. But talking is not successful. The reason is because he is looking for you to say something that makes it right when the only thing you can say is "I'm sorry", "I wish this didn't happen", "I wish I could take it back" or something to this effect. Ultimately, he has to own his feelings and understand that only he can release them. You can assist him by listening and being sincerely contrite. This is reconciliation and it is a good tool for everyone to master.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Yes, this is as excellent example. He is carrying hurt in his heart over past events and he sees that this hurt is blocking emotional intimacy. He thinks that by talking things through with you, he can be unburdened. But talking is not successful. The reason is because he is looking for you to say something that makes it right when the only thing you can say is "I'm sorry", "I wish this didn't happen", "I wish I could take it back" or something to this effect. Ultimately, he has to own his feelings and understand that only he can release them. You can assist him by listening and being sincerely contrite. This is reconciliation and it is a good tool for everyone to master.


Tenyearhubby
Please pardon my ignorance here. That seems it would be an excuse for him NOT to desire, or be able to have an emotional connection. Not a reason for him to want a closer connection? It seems to me that if he wanted a closer connection, his wife is willing and able; it would be pretty darn easy to achieve.
Maybe I am way out of my league here, but I always love to learn. Can you enlighten me on your thought here?


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

RDJ said:


> Can you give a better example of what he is expressing to you?


He wants to talk to me about how he feel when other women want him. Or, how do you feel about me going grocery shopping, what's your thoughts on how I turned the chairs. Etc
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

RDJ said:


> Sorry! does not express much detail?
> 
> I don't mean to pry into your personal life if your not comfortable sharing it. But I am curious what was said at church that got him all worked up? That may shed some light on where he is coming from?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

When they spoke about being able to share with each other and being intimate, being one. Having no secrets.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

I'mtired said:


> When they spoke about being able to share with each other and being intimate, being one. Having no secrets.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Now that makes more sense. 

In my humble opinion, he is very insecure. He is not looking for a normal “emotional connection” He is looking for your approval, your affirmation that he is a good man, a good husband, and all that you desire. Underneath he probably fears that he will lose you; you will find a better man than he.

You could try building him up on a regular basis, affirming that he is all you want and need, but it could be an endless game.

You may never convince him. It’s not your issue, it’s his alone.

You can try to express that you do care for him, but that he needs to address his insecurity. Let him know that you are not willing to fix his insecurity and fulfill his need for reassurance on a constant basis. 

Let him know you would be happy to talk about how he feels, as long as he knows that what he feels are HIS feelings, and that his actions are pushing you away from him, not pulling you towards him.

I would definitely suggest a bit of counseling if you can talk him into it. But he may just be too insecure to hear the truth.

That’s about all I can say, I'm no counselor, I could be wrong, maybe some of the others can offer better advice?


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

RDJ said:


> Now that makes more sense.
> 
> In my humble opinion, he is very insecure. He is not looking for a normal “emotional connection” He is looking for your approval, your affirmation that he is a good man, a good husband, and all that you desire. Underneath he probably fears that he will lose you; you will find a better man than he.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

I am actually talking with a counselor as of Monday, his pride won't allow him to have someone expound on his feelings unless she is a Red bone with green eyes. When he and I don't see eye to eye, somehow one of those pop up and he endulges into conversation with them. And he works with alot of them. Sometimes he threatens me with that as well. If you're not giving it to me at home, then I will get from my job.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

I guess I lied, I can say more. 



I'mtired said:


> I am actually talking with a counselor as of Monday


Good for you, I wish you the best!



> his "*pride*" won't allow him to have someone expound on his feelings unless she is a Red bone with green eyes.
> When he and I don't see eye to eye, somehow one of those pop up and he endulges into conversation with them. And he works with alot of them. Sometimes he threatens me with that as well. If you're not giving it to me at home, then I will get from my job.


Pride, or insecurity? Sounds like his way of manipulating you to give him the affirmation he desperately needs from you. When he makes such threats as "I will get it from work", do you normally react with giving in and giving him what he wants?

If so, then I believe thats how he controls you. That being said, I would think that you need to make a stand. which leads back to this "You can try to express that you do care for him, but that he needs to address his insecurity. Let him know that you are not willing to fix his insecurity and fulfill his need for reassurance on a constant basis. 

Let him know you would be happy to talk about how he feels, as long as he knows that what he feels are HIS feelings, and have nothing to do with YOU."

Just my thought, see what your counselor has to say?


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

RDJ said:


> I guess I lied, I can say more.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

Well, Day 4 of crazy. Last night he came home around 11:30pm, that was cool, he barely said anything to me though. He mostly talked to my daughter about her vist to the dentist today. Finances are not the problem, we spoke very well on that matter of dental payments. He went to take a shower, I walked in and asked him did he have a better day at work than he did yesterday, he said, it was okay. so after the shower, he goes in the living room gets his food, sits down on the sofa to watch t.v. i was able to sit beside him. so i touch his arm very lightly and asked bay, can i give you a massage? he said no. so i sat for a few minuets with him, got up said okay bay goodnight, I'm going to bed, then i went in the room, prayed a sincere prayer to God on our behalf and went to sleep. When he did come to bed, I awakend and said good night to him again while touching his feet with mine and placing my arm on his. and went back to sleep. Just waiting to see what tonight brings. I hate being like this coming towards the weekend, it's so long.


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

and he hates when I go see my parents, he say's everytime we go through something, i always run to my family, which is not true, sometimes i just leave and go to the store and walk around with the kids.


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

RDJ,
You are right. I am willing to be the wife he desires now. I am 36, don't want to play games like children.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Is your husband into porn? Something is up with him.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I'mtired said:


> When they spoke about being able to share with each other and being intimate, being one. Having no secrets.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You mentioned that you don't want to talk about the past. Then he gets into a funk when "having no secrets" is mentioned. Throw in the threat that he can get some strange from workmates any time he wants... Maybe like you were able to but he didn't?

I don't know if you were married or not when all of your history went down (no pun intended. No, that's a lie. Pun intended). But it sounds like he needs you to address it. Take a look at the thread I have going in this section about secrets and unresolved past issues poisoning my relationship. See if it hits home at all.


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Is your husband into porn? Something is up with him.


He likes it but, es not watching it with me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

It sounds like he likes to try and make you jealous. My impression of you is that you don't really give him much thought... meaning you for the most part don't feed into his neediness and attention seeking ways. Would this be accurate?

I also think he's jealous of you because you can shut him down the way you do, and he can't do the same with you... he tries, and he tries really hard to make you angry or get a rise from you (the silent treatment probably has worked in the past) but once you two do this dance, you go back to the usual dynamic. You look at him as an individual who can take care of himself and his feelings... an independant who should be able to handle his problems, whatever they are. When he comes across as needy to you, it's weird isn't it? Mainly because you aren't that way.

Is any of this sounding accurate? I could be stabbing in the dark but I thought I would try.

I've been through the 'silent treatment' type (ex). And I used to ignore him. It was an immature power play, rather than just talking to me about what was wrong and giving me the opportunity to try and work through things with him. I don't play games either.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

RDJ said:


> Tenyearhubby
> Please pardon my ignorance here. That seems it would be an excuse for him NOT to desire, or be able to have an emotional connection. Not a reason for him to want a closer connection? It seems to me that if he wanted a closer connection, his wife is willing and able; it would be pretty darn easy to achieve.
> Maybe I am way out of my league here, but I always love to learn. Can you enlighten me on your thought here?


RDJ,

Thank you for your interest, I am always happy explain my thinking. 
I would assert that everyone has the desire to connect to someone emotionally, going back to their childhood relationship with their mother. I would also submit that due to internal conflicts, there is literally no end to the number of excuses or roadblocks some (afflicted) persons can put in the way of themselves getting/keeping the connection they want/need. One can hypothesize numerous reasons for this, but I think it is usually a lack of understanding and self awareness regarding how intimate relationships work. 
Holding bitterness or resentment in one's heart for a loved one's past actions is a very popular self imposed barrier to intimacy. And by blaming these held resentments on the loved one and making the loved one responsible for removing them, one can continue to blame the loved one for both creating and not solving the problem.
This is all due to a lack of understanding/maturity on the part of the injured party. No one can remove resentments, bitterness and hurt from one's heart but oneself. The offending party may help the process by sincerely apologizing and offering contrition, but ultimately the individual holding the resentments is responsible for themselves and the decision to hold or let go lies solely with them.
In my humble opinion, this does not represent a lack of desire to connect, but a lack of understanding of who is responsible for the perceived obstacles to connecting.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

I'mtired said:


> Well, Day 4 of crazy. Last night he came home around 11:30pm, that was cool, he barely said anything to me though. He mostly talked to my daughter about her vist to the dentist today. Finances are not the problem, we spoke very well on that matter of dental payments. He went to take a shower, I walked in and asked him did he have a better day at work than he did yesterday, he said, it was okay. so after the shower, he goes in the living room gets his food, sits down on the sofa to watch t.v. i was able to sit beside him. so i touch his arm very lightly and asked bay, can i give you a massage? he said no. so i sat for a few minuets with him, got up said okay bay goodnight, I'm going to bed, then i went in the room, prayed a sincere prayer to God on our behalf and went to sleep. When he did come to bed, I awakend and said good night to him again while touching his feet with mine and placing my arm on his. and went back to sleep. Just waiting to see what tonight brings. I hate being like this coming towards the weekend, it's so long.


This is exactly what worked for me. I saw improvement after a couple of days and things are still improving.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I sincerely hope he doesn't keep up this nonsense through the weekend. It's time to move forward.


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> It sounds like he likes to try and make you jealous. My impression of you is that you don't really give him much thought... meaning you for the most part don't feed into his neediness and attention seeking ways. Would this be accurate?
> 
> I also think he's jealous of you because you can shut him down the way you do, and he can't do the same with you... he tries, and he tries really hard to make you angry or get a rise from you (the silent treatment probably has worked in the past) but once you two do this dance, you go back to the usual dynamic. You look at him as an individual who can take care of himself and his feelings... an independant who should be able to handle his problems, whatever they are. When he comes across as needy to you, it's weird isn't it? Mainly because you aren't that way.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> It sounds like he likes to try and make you jealous. My impression of you is that you don't really give him much thought... meaning you for the most part don't feed into his neediness and attention seeking ways. Would this be accurate?
> 
> I also think he's jealous of you because you can shut him down the way you do, and he can't do the same with you... he tries, and he tries really hard to make you angry or get a rise from you (the silent treatment probably has worked in the past) but once you two do this dance, you go back to the usual dynamic. You look at him as an individual who can take care of himself and his feelings... an independant who should be able to handle his problems, whatever they are. When he comes across as needy to you, it's weird isn't it? Mainly because you aren't that way.
> 
> ...



You are correct!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'mtired said:


> You are correct!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Well!! How about that!!

I will tell you this much, my ex and I would do this dance at least once a month. Honestly, I shouldn't have married him. He and I weren't compatible at all emotionally. He was a sulker and a game player. Very manipulative and competitive with me as well. I just got sick of it. When I would confront him in his nonsense he became further withdrawn, when I ignored him he would come around for a bit, then do his game-playing again because I wasn't doing EXACTLY what he wanted to do (which by the way was never spelled out).

I suggested counseling in the church with our pastor. He said he would go, then backed out before the first meeting. I had done everything I thought I could to to work on our relationship.. giving in, being quiet, praying for us, trying to spend more time together, being more affectionate... none of it mattered. He was hell bent on his way and his way only. I was to 'cater' to him and he told me just that on one occasion in a conversation we were having. Well, I don't 'cater' to anyone. I'm not that way. I will love and treat you well, and show you that I appreciate you in every way I can, but if that's not enough, then I'm over it. I can't please you? Then leave ME alone and find someone else who doesn't mind being your doormat.

I'm not saying that you need to end your marriage. I understand that you want to do whatever you need to do to stay together and have a healthier relationship. Communication between you has GOT to improve and he has to be willing to meet you half way. He has this pattern going and it's been this way between you for years and years and won't easily be changed. He has to want that like you want it.

Give him time. Continue being kind to him. Stroke his ego and keep up with the affection toward him... I know it's going to be difficult to be rejected, I've been there too, but you have to be stronger than he is in this. He knows how you feel, and that you are truly sorry for not being more sensitive. Ask him what he wants to know from you, your heart is open... you have no secrets. Then tell him what he wants to know. Let him know you can't read his mind and you won't try, he has to share what he's thinking with you in order for you both to work on it.

From what you describe, you two don't spend much time together due to work schedules... this is a problem. He sounds like he needs far more attention from you than you may be willing or able to give him. He wants to be your #1. Are you willing to make that happen?


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

I am willing to make that happen, but shouldn't he be willing to give up his many girlfriends that he opens up to? I don't think I should made a fool of neither.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'mtired said:


> I am willing to make that happen, but shouldn't he be willing to give up his many girlfriends that he opens up to? I don't think I should made a fool of neither.


Again, he does that to make you jealous. He's trying to get you to compete. Don't go there.

Of course he shouldn't be sharing his business with these other women, and you should demand it. If he so chooses not to, then you need to take a firm stand and show him there are consequences to this childish behavior. You don't want to treat him like a child, but if he insists on acting like one you will.


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

My God why is marriage so hard? I am really doing what you told me to do, and he is as stubborn as a mule being forced to move.


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

The hing is, these women know whats going on in my home if he is willingly allowing them to get in my car and take pictures of them while in my car. then he shows it to me.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'mtired said:


> My God why is marriage so hard? I am really doing what you told me to do, and he is as stubborn as a mule being forced to move.



He's trying to break you down. You have to keep it going. The longer he keeps up his gaming, the more silly and uncooperative he's going to look. Foolish really.

How long has he carried on in the past? Days? Weeks? What's the longest time he's been able to stonewall you into submission?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'mtired said:


> The hing is, these women know whats going on in my home if he is willingly allowing them to get in my car and *take pictures of them while in my car*. then he shows it to me.


Ok now that's downright disrespectful. I wouldn't tolerate it one bit. How have you handled being shown stuff like that?

The more you say, the more I think that your husband is trying to divide you. Are you sure he wants to be married? Because if he does, he's not behaving like it.


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

years!!! he knows that most of my life everyone has ran over me. and i don't like cofrontation so this is lee way for him to act out. so i am reserved with my feelings because they have been stompped on all my life.


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

he says he loves me and wants to be with me, he has even told me that he would have a fit if he knew a dude was in my car. sometimes i want to do it just for the hell of it, but i don't do evil for evil. wasn't raised like that.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'mtired said:


> years!!! he knows that most of my life everyone has ran over me. and i don't like cofrontation so this is lee way for him to act out. so i am reserved with my feelings because they have been stompped on all my life.



Well it's time you took a stand. If you want something you never had, you have to do something you never done.

If this goes on through tomorrow, tell him politely that you plan to take this to the head of the church. If he listened to the message and respects that authority, it should shake him into putting things back into perspective. If he does NOT heed your warning, do it on Sunday. Go request a meeting with your pastor and follow through. Your husband and his antics need some exposure and he needs to be counseled on how to treat his wife...he obviously is ignorant about it.

You should also mention that IF he wants to stay married to you, things need to change immediately. You will not play second to his female friends, and you will not entertain his game playing in that regard. If he shows up with another photo, ask him to leave. You will not be openly disrespected in that manner. Call whomever you need to call to get him out of the house until he comes back to his senses.

These sound like desperate measures, but at this point you are a desperate woman. Things have got to change. And now is the time.


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

Wow !!! never heard it so profound. I will speak with him tonight again. Thank you for the advice. I feel like I have a true friend out there.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

A Bit Much said:


> Well it's time you took a stand. If you want something you never had, you have to do something you never done.
> 
> If this goes on through tomorrow, tell him politely that you plan to take this to the head of the church. If he listened to the message and respects that authority, it should shake him into putting things back into perspective. If he does NOT heed your warning, do it on Sunday. Go request a meeting with your pastor and follow through. Your husband and his antics need some exposure and he needs to be counseled on how to treat his wife...he obviously is ignorant about it.
> 
> ...


I completely agree with A Bit Much on this course of action. Marriage is a committed relationship. One of these commitments is to not respond to another person of the opposite sex in a way that is reserved for your spouse. Having opposite sex friends that make your spouse uncomfortable and threatening to have relations with them is 100 percent off limits. I'm sure your pastor and all good people will agree with this. I might humbly submit that part of the reason your husband doesn't feel emotionally connected with you is because he is so busy trying to connect with other women. He needs to promise to be faithful in word, thought and deed before you two can proceed with the type of emotional connection he says he wants.


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

I agree totally, my heart is to him only and nothing seperates that anymore. Like i said in another post. I have made my mistakes in the past. he wants me to let his go, but everytime something happens, he draws back on mine. He is worth the fight. Do ou think if I told him that, he would continue in his way or see that i am really trying?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

I agree with previous posters that major confrontation at key points to affect change....

In fact that is going to be the theme of my farewell thread once I'm sure it worked for my marriage.

I essence Reality Checks ar very effective, especilly if timed with a key incident to illustrate the point.

In my case my wife gave me a huge REALITY CHECK two years ago with ILYNILWY after I totally went off on one of my kids after drinking... that caused immediate and ongoing change in me. I haven't had a drink in two years! I listened to her made ALL the needed changes.

In her case I gave her a REALITY CHECK two weeks ago after she disrespected me... and that affected huge monumental change in her. I told her very simply "I'm not acceptable to a sexless marriage" AND "it's up to her to get our lack of good sex life off my mind"

It was the timing of each reality check that made the impact, the complete honesty in the wording and the resolve that if things don't improve immediately we are done.

Both reality checks were done when the other was "At the end of their rope!"

She got her changes.

I got my changes.

WIN/WIN = Both of us happy

I'm actually very glad we both had an opportunity to "totally blast" the other... it made our marriage better. We changed the course we were on toward a much better future. We both made needed "course corrections".

Reality checks..rock.
Aim for the 100% win for both spouses.

Don't be afraid to put it all on the line! It's that important.

My wife just asked me out on a date tomorrow night  guess the "quality time" request sunk through to her. Probably lots of "physical touch" also when we return.


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

I guess it did, congratulations!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

It's difficult to say what anyone would do, but I think that demanding to be treated in a fashion that everyone generally agrees is rightful will allow you to respect yourself. You deserve to be part of a satisfying marriage and there is no room of outside members of the opposite sex in a loving relationship. Whatever either of you have done in the past need to be put behind you both and nothing more than 48 hours old should be brought up as a subject for complaint. Whatever it is, work it out by the end of the next day or let it go.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'mtired said:


> I agree totally, my heart is to him only and nothing seperates that anymore. Like i said in another post. I have made my mistakes in the past. he wants me to let his go, but everytime something happens, he draws back on mine. He is worth the fight. Do ou think if I told him that, he would continue in his way or see that i am really trying?


In coming back together after making mistakes, you both (at that time) were in agreement to move forward in healing your relationship. If he cannot forgive you, he needs to spend time with himself to do that. He cannot continue to injure and re-injure your marriage in an attempt to punish you. That is only causing the opposite to happen. It's division through and through, and he has to stop it immediately.

Either you are both in agreement to be together and honor your vows by recommiting to one another DAILY or you're not. You can't ride the fence.

Please take this up with your pastor if he continues this course of action. The past cannot be undone. But if he will not deal with his emotions in a constructive manner the past will UNDO everything the two of you have together.

You can tell him how you feel, but you also should follow up with a course of action if he resists moving forward.


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

I guess it did, congratulations!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> It's difficult to say what anyone would do, but I think that demanding to be treated in a fashion that everyone generally agrees is rightful will allow you to respect yourself. You deserve to be part of a satisfying marriage and there is no room of outside members of the opposite sex in a loving relationship. Whatever either of you have done in the past need to be put behind you both and nothing more than 48 hours old should be brought up as a subject for complaint. Whatever it is, work it out by the end of the next day or let it go.


I agree, don't like holding on to garbage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> It's difficult to say what anyone would do, but I think that demanding to be treated in a fashion that everyone generally agrees is rightful will allow you to respect yourself. You deserve to be part of a satisfying marriage and there is no room of outside members of the opposite sex in a loving relationship. Whatever either of you have done in the past need to be put behind you both and nothing more than 48 hours old should be brought up as a subject for complaint. Whatever it is, work it out by the end of the next day or let it go.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Spot on TYH.:smthumbup:


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

I guess it did, congratulations!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

I called him on his job. Told him everything. Then I told him I had to take another call. I am at work as well. But I wanted him to think without response.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'mtired said:


> I called him on his job. Told him everything. Then I told him I had to take another call. I am at work as well. But I wanted him to think without response.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Well at least this time he answered the phone. That's a start.


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Well at least this time he answered the phone. That's a start.


Yeah, that's a start. I would like to stay in constant contact with you. Would you mind giving me you personal email? Pm it to me if you will.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

I see a lot more information has come out here. I spent the last few hours writing up how I'mtired should be putting her foot down and making a stand.

I see that abitmuch and tyh have already done that, and quite well, I might add.

The hubby says he wants a connection, yet does every thing in his power to sabatage it. He is all about CONTROL. I think we all know that that is not a marriage.

I'm not so sure about taking it to the chuch just yet, but I sure do think "Imtired needs to come down hard and heavy. Just in a pleasant "I want a happy marriage, I want you to have a happy marrige. I am willing to do my part, but your behaviors are not creating mutual happiness. In fact, they are tearing us apart. You say you want to come togather as one, I want the same. Here is your chance. To do so, I will NO LONGER TOLORATE __________!!!!!, Your call, how would you like to proceed?"


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'mtired said:


> Yeah, that's a start. I would like to stay in constant contact with you. Would you mind giving me you personal email? Pm it to me if you will.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Check your inbox.


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

@RDJ, well said I did have a chance to speak with him today. I shared my feelings to him and then I had to take another call at work. So I left him to think about what I said to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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