# Hiding phone records from me



## Confused in love (Jun 9, 2016)

Hi everyone I just wanted to get some opinions on my story and my situation. Three months ago I received a phone call from a woman telling me my husband is having an affair. We have been married almost 9 years and this came as a total shock to me. I confronted him and he denied it. I have figured out the woman who this could possibly be. The same woman who made the phone call is the same woman who is supposedly having the affair with him. After he continues to deny it I asked him to show me his phone records to prove his innocence. He absolutely refuses. I've even threatened divorce. And he still refuses. What should I do? We are still living together and I haven't kicked him out yet but I am at the point today where I am going to I have no choice. Does anybody have any suggestions? Please help!


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

Confused in love said:


> Hi everyone I just wanted to get some opinions on my story and my situation. Three months ago I received a phone call from a woman telling me my husband is having an affair. We have been married almost 9 years and this came as a total shock to me. I confronted him and he denied it. I have figured out the woman who this could possibly be. The same woman who made the phone call is the same woman who is supposedly having the affair with him. After he continues to deny it I asked him to show me his phone records to prove his innocence. He absolutely refuses. I've even threatened divorce. And he still refuses. What should I do? We are still living together and I haven't kicked him out yet but I am at the point today where I am going to I have no choice. Does anybody have any suggestions? Please help!



Why would he refuse if he didn't have an affair? I would show my records if I had nothing to hide. Also, have you considered calling the woman back and asking for more details? Maybe she had proof of an affair?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Get a voice activated recorder and stick it in his car it shouldn't take long to get answers.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.


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## Confused in love (Jun 9, 2016)

Hi! I have called the woman but she too denies that they were anything but friends. She is actually a customer of my husbands, and she actually knows who I am. I feel like she was feeling guilty and had to let me know (doing as another person - sneaky!) . I'll have to try the voice recorder and see what happens.


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## Confused in love (Jun 9, 2016)

Also, it never really felt like he was cheating. He was always very attentive and loving and affectionate. Is this normal, or is every affair different in the way the bad spouse acts. In some instances I was think king he was overcompensating love to me to make up for his guilty actions. Very twisted, but it's all making more sense. I'm open to all opinions I'm just trying to figure this thing out with people who have been through it all or are going through it .
Also about the phone records he says he'll show me from today on but nothing in the past . And I don't think I can live like that .


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

From what I've read it could go either way on being affectionate or less affectionate. 


How did the convo go with the woman. Did she just call and say your husband is having an affair or give details?

Also, why can you just get phone records?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Confused in love (Jun 9, 2016)

The woman who called gave a ton of details. Like naming his vehicles, his sentences he uses, his personality, she talked about my vacation home, she knows pretty much a lot about him it wasn't very generic it was a very detailed 10 minute conversation. Also my phone records and his are under his business account which I don't have access to so that is why am trying to get access to them because I never had access to them on a regular basis . But now I'm feeling like I really need to know what happened as my only way to get through this and possibly forgive. Do I sound crazy or do I sound normal that I just want to know the facts and how serious or not serious it was?


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## Confused in love (Jun 9, 2016)

By the way thank you so much for taking the time to read this and help me out with your opinion it means the world to me !


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Confused in love said:


> The woman who called gave a ton of details. Like naming his vehicles, his sentences he uses, his personality, she talked about my vacation home, she knows pretty much a lot about him it wasn't very generic it was a very detailed 10 minute conversation. Also my phone records and his are under his business account which I don't have access to so that is why am trying to get access to them because I never had access to them on a regular basis . But now I'm feeling like I really need to know what happened as my only way to get through this and possibly forgive. Do I sound crazy or do I sound normal that I just want to know the facts and how serious or not serious it was?



You already know the answer to this. He is acting guilty as sin. If he was innocent and had nothing to hide he'd hand the phone records over in a hearbeat. Stop making empty threats, they just make you look pathetic and weak when you don't follow through. My bet is is was serious enough that the OW thought he was going to leave you, she called and told you to give things a nudge. Your H was cake eating.

Get tested for STD's ASAP.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

Confused in love said:


> Also about the phone records he says he'll show me from today on but nothing in the past . And I don't think I can live like that .


Lol, from TODAY only, eh? Wow! That definitely screams guilty. Ofc he can show you from today because he didn't call her today.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Ok, you're going at this wrong. Meaning the crazy part or possibly forgive. Try to calm down and think clearly. 

And the confront too soon. I know this is all new but usually you gather evidence first so he can't deny or lie. If you can call this woman back then I'd have her offer up concrete evidence like a recording or texts. 


He will deny till the cows come home until concrete evidence is shown. 

I agree on the guilt of him not showing records. 
If that happened to me and I was innocent I'd show the records. 

If that happened to me and I was guilty I'd NOT show records. 

See he has you now, he can just say it's some crazy woman. And not show records. He probably knows you won't divorce over not showing records. 


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

You threatened divorce if he didn't show them to you. He didn't.

Therefore, he's choosing divorce.

Let him.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What is the reason he gives for not showing you the phone records?

Do not ever threaten divorce (or anything else for that matter) if you are not prepared to follow through. Kick his sorry a$$ out and then let him and his phone records live happily ever after.

And word to the wise - do not EVER confront when you have no confirmed evidence.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Ask to see her phone records.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Confused in love (Jun 9, 2016)

My husband says the reason he will not show me the phone records is because they will only hurt me from the amount of calls and text he put to her


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Confused in love said:


> My husband says the reason he will not show me the phone records is because they will only hurt me from the amount of calls and text he put to her


uuuuhhhhhh................ so what exactly is your question??? What are you waiting for - to see them in bed together?


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

Confused in love said:


> My husband says the reason he will not show me the phone records is because they will only hurt me from the amount of calls and text he put to her


So you have his confession that it was/is an affair. What are going to do?


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

rzmpf said:


> So you have his confession that it was/is an affair. What are going to do?


That’s what I was thinking. He has admitted that there was at least enough phone contact that would make his wife feel uncomfortable. Probably an emotional affair in the least, most likely a physical affair because of the amount of personal details she knew. 

OP – what exactly are you looking for? Confirmation of an affair? If that’s it, I think you’ve got it.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

Confused in love said:


> Hi everyone I just wanted to get some opinions on my story and my situation. Three months ago I received a phone call from a woman telling me my husband is having an affair. We have been married almost 9 years and this came as a total shock to me. I confronted him and he denied it. I have figured out the woman who this could possibly be. The same woman who made the phone call is the same woman who is supposedly having the affair with him. After he continues to deny it I asked him to show me his phone records to prove his innocence. He absolutely refuses. I've even threatened divorce. And he still refuses. What should I do? We are still living together and I haven't kicked him out yet but I am at the point today where I am going to I have no choice. Does anybody have any suggestions? Please help!



Follow through on your threat. Have him served. I recommend you go through with it and divorce him because he's most definitely cheating with the woman who called you. He has probably been stringing her along saying he was going to leave you. She got tired of waiting and called you to get the divorce ball rolling. That means this has been going on for a while. Long enough for her to get fed up and call you.

The severity of his defense of his phone means it's really bad. He has said horrible things about you and has professed deep love for her. Right now he's figuring out how to permanently destroy that evidence. That'll take a few days and then he'll magically be ok with you looking at his phone.

You need to call the woman back. Since she wants you two to divorce she'll be happy to share evidence with you. He can delete his texts but he can't delete hers. Call her and find out where you really stand.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

She's looking for him to confess it was a EA/PA but he won't do that. They rarely do...without evidence. 


He said that because most likely records will show it was everyday, multiple times a day. Multiple by I mean 100's.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Confused in love said:


> By the way thank you so much for taking the time to read this and help me out with your opinion it means the world to me !


In the .001% chance that he didn't have an affair, he is still very inconsiderate to not want to take a big weight off your shoulders. He sounds like an inconsiderate jerk. When you do find proof of his past affair, I hope you smack him over the head with it while you're kicking him out of the house.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Confused in love said:


> My husband says the reason he will not show me the phone records is because they will only hurt me from the amount of calls and text he put to her


NOW is the time to deal with it. Don't back down from demanding the phone records.


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## Confused in love (Jun 9, 2016)

Thank you everyone for your support and advice. I'm going home right now to put all his stuff in garbage bags and tell him to get out. I'm way too good for him and always will be !


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## Confused in love (Jun 9, 2016)

Sometimes it just takes hearing it from other people to come to the realization of what it really is. I was just an idiot for these three months believe in all his lies.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

His guilty. His refusal to show you phone records is absolute proof of his guilt.

Its not like you are some crazed jelous wife that contunually carries on like a mad woman.

The one time you voice genuine concern he refuses to pacify you.

The answer is simple. He wont show you the phone records cause they will only make the matter 1000 times worse.

Also the lady that told you is most likely his affair partner and she wants him all to herself. She is most likely sick of him not telling you so she has decided to take matters into her own hands.

I'd say plant the VAR so you can catch him dead to rights but you already have enough to go on.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He just took your trust and smashed it up, didn't he?


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

Confused in love said:


> Thank you everyone for your support and advice. I'm going home right now to put all his stuff in garbage bags and tell him to get out. I'm way too good for him and always will be !


He'll say anything. He'll get desperate. Stay strong. It's all lies.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Keep in mind cheaters are exquisite liars. Do not trust a thing that comes out of his mouth.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Confused in love said:


> My husband says the reason he will not show me the phone records is because they will only hurt me from the amount of calls and text he put to her


So many of them say that; "I didn't want to TELL you the truth, because I didn't want to hurt you!"?!?! Of course, everything they did behind your back - HURTS YOU. Amazing logic.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

TaDor said:


> So many of them have SAID that "I didn't want to TELL you the truth, because I didn't want to hurt you!"?!?!


So Noble of them. F'ing scum.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Is your name on the bill. Get another copy of the records. This will at least give you some idea whats up. Find out if the OW has a spouse and contact him. 2 digging is better then one.


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## Confused in love (Jun 9, 2016)

Thanks for the advice" llonely husband 42301"
My husband (soon to be ex) is also a marine. 
I was so upset, I thought you marines were all loyal.  He gave them a bad name.
The thing is, we had a crazy good sex life. We visited swingers clubs, didn't swap but had damn fun fooling around! We never kept anything from each other and I thought it was the best thing in the world.
Seems like I gave him too much of a good thing. 
He's moving out today....finally. I need time to think. 
How do you do this to a hot wife who is open to a lifestyle most couples would love to be involved in??


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## Confused in love (Jun 9, 2016)

Thank you everyone for your wise insight. You too Sports Fan!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Good for you. Stay strong. And don't ever think you were a fool to not get rid of him sooner. HE is the fool - a HUGE one, for destroying what you guys had together.


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## Confused in love (Jun 9, 2016)

And on the topic of the OW. She is going through a nasty divorce currently. I will call her soon to b ex, because he seems to have a HUGE problem with my soon to b ex. Hmmmm maybe that's a huge clue too. I'll make a call to him and see what I can get. I'll keep u posted.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Confused in love said:


> Thanks for the advice" llonely husband 42301"
> My husband (soon to be ex) is also a marine.
> I was so upset, I thought you marines were all loyal.  He gave them a bad name.
> The thing is, we had a crazy good sex life. We visited swingers clubs, didn't swap but had damn fun fooling around! We never kept anything from each other and I thought it was the best thing in the world.
> ...


Hot wife as in attractive wife or "hotwife" who meets men for sex in singles and in groups? My advice depends on which you are. No judgement. 

Also, how far did each of you go with others at the swingers clubs? Who's idea was that? Have either of you been in non monogamous relationships before? How did that go?

If your H did have an affair, and it's looking like a 90+% chance he did, is the problem that he had sex with another woman or is it that he lied to you or both?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> What is the reason he gives for not showing you the phone records?
> 
> Do not ever threaten divorce (or anything else for that matter) if you are not prepared to follow through. Kick his sorry a$$ out and then let him and his phone records live happily ever after.
> 
> And word to the wise - do not EVER confront when you have no confirmed evidence.


Yep, exactly, then they will go dark and you'll never get a shred of evidence from that point forward. His not showing the phone records speaks volumes. You can just about assume the phone records have evidence of an affair.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Confused in love said:


> Hi! I have called the woman but she too denies that they were anything but friends. She is actually a customer of my husbands, and she actually knows who I am. I feel like she was feeling guilty and had to let me know (doing as another person - sneaky!) . I'll have to try the voice recorder and see what happens.


If it was her that called, and later denied it, I highly doubt she was feeling guilty and had to let you know. She was calling to sabotage your marriage so you'd leave your husband so she could have him all to herself, and she does not want him to know she did so.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Confused in love said:


> Thank you everyone for your wise insight. You too Sports Fan!


If he does produce phone records, make sure that the phone records weren't altered with a clever editing tool. Unfortunately I've seen that happen.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Only trust the phone records you can access online, that cannot be edited. Anything printed - can be edited.

If she was really, only a friend - then he'd easily show you the phone records and tell you anything - OVER divorce.

Being a Marine means little, as they are HUMAN - like anyone else. Thats like saying "only Christians are good people" - when many of them are not.


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## Confused in love (Jun 9, 2016)

As to clarify "hot wife" I'm 40, in amazing shape and complimented everywhere I go. I consider myself very classy. Not the hot wife meaning having sex with everyone. I never have had sex with anyone while being married to my husband. And he has never either at those swingers clubs. He barely touched the other girls because he didnt want to cross any boundaries. 
And it was just a way to pass time and have some sexy fun with each other. Both our ideas. We never swapped partners not had intensions on ever doing it. We loved that time we spent. I just don't know how he chooses to do sneaky things behind my back when he could just enjoy us having fun together. The girl he was/is cheating with is a desperate old needy hag. It's sad and very gross.
He's out of the house now. thank god!


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

A lot of cheaters tend to affair DOWN. She was doing something for him, that he couldn't or wouldn't ask of you. Who knows... right?


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Most cheaters cheat with a lower sex rank than their spouses. 

So it's nothing to do with you. This is on him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

Confused in love said:


> Thanks for the advice" llonely husband 42301"
> My husband (soon to be ex) is also a marine.
> I was so upset, I thought you marines were all loyal.  He gave them a bad name.


-Most aren't. At least most of the hundreds I served with over the years weren't faithful to their wives. A minority were.



Confused in love said:


> The thing is, we had a crazy good sex life. We visited swingers clubs, didn't swap but had damn fun fooling around! We never kept anything from each other and I thought it was the best thing in the world.
> Seems like I gave him too much of a good thing.


I was going to say that last part but you beat me to it. Even tip toeing into swinging (just watching at a swinger's club) is a recipe for disaster. You live, you learn. Don't do it again or your man will think you're open to him having sex with other people.




Confused in love said:


> How do you do this to a hot wife who is open to a lifestyle most couples would love to be involved in??


To be honest the other woman/women have something you can never give him. A vagina that isn't yours. It's really that simple for the lesser evolved of us males. Men have a primal instinct to "spread our seed." Most men have evolved past the urge to fulfill this instinct. Lesser sophisticated males (dumber) struggle hardest with this. They're more prone to cheat because their lives are ruled more by emotion and pleasures of the flesh than by reason and intellectual stimulation. Again, you live, you learn.

At this point my only advice is to do whatever you need to do for you. Disregard any of his wishes. Please don't let him talk you into taking him back. We men are born with a natural gift to talk women into almost anything. Another gift given to us by nature to help the species procreate. Unfortunately for you, women were given big loving hearts that are easily susceptible to falling for a man's bullsh*t. Another tool of nature to help us perpetuate the species. Not that any of that is any excuse for his terrible behavior. It isn't. That's why my vote is you move on, ignore any desperate pleas that might come your way, and find a smart, more evolved, guy in the future.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

Confused in love said:


> As to clarify "hot wife" I'm 40, in amazing shape and complimented everywhere I go. I consider myself very classy. Not the hot wife meaning having sex with everyone. I never have had sex with anyone while being married to my husband. And he has never either at those swingers clubs. He barely touched the other girls because he didnt want to cross any boundaries.
> And it was just a way to pass time and have some sexy fun with each other. Both our ideas. We never swapped partners not had intensions on ever doing it. We loved that time we spent. I just don't know how he chooses to do sneaky things behind my back when he could just enjoy us having fun together. The girl he was/is cheating with is a desperate old needy hag. It's sad and very gross.
> He's out of the house now. thank god!


He wanted to swap partners but you weren't into it so he said he wasn't either and took it on the down low.


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## Confused in love (Jun 9, 2016)

Okay, so I called my husbands mistress's husband. Spoke to him for a few minutes to see if he knew what was going on between my husband and his wife. He didn't know much surprisingly. But right after I hung up from him. she recognized my number and screen-shotted it to my husband. And of course my husband called me asking me why I called him. This is a mess. How did she recognize my number and why did she screen shot it to my soon-to-be-husband? Am I doing the wrong thing here? Am I crazy? Do those two really have a relationship or what? 
It seems the more digging I do. The more I feel uneasy as to what is going on under my nose. He moved out today & im trying to piece together this whole thing. Piece by piece. Sadly.


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## Confused in love (Jun 9, 2016)

Lucas Jackson. Thank you for the deep insight! Very eye opening. I do need a more evolved man for my next one. :/


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Confused in love said:


> Okay, so I called my husbands mistress's husband. Spoke to him for a few minutes to see if he knew what was going on between my husband and his wife. He didn't know much surprisingly. But right after I hung up from him. she recognized my number and screen-shotted it to my husband. And of course my husband called me asking me why I called him. This is a mess. How did she recognize my number and why did she screen shot it to my soon-to-be-husband? Am I doing the wrong thing here? Am I crazy? Do those two really have a relationship or what?
> It seems the more digging I do. The more I feel uneasy as to what is going on under my nose. He moved out today & im trying to piece together this whole thing. Piece by piece. Sadly.


Chances are, if your STBXH meet them in a swingers/lifestyle group - he is IN on it... for him to have contacted and shared info so quickly. Distance yourself form them at this point.

I had this issue with my WW and a few people who were supposed to be "against them" - when they too spread dis-information or out-right lies... So even when I had the urge to re-contact, I'm glad I have not and avoid such people. You'll never get the truth.


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## Confused in love (Jun 9, 2016)

My husbands mistress wasn't met in a swingers club. She is a customer of his. So she isn't even in the lifestyle. 
I'm letting go. Loving myself. Leaving with a smile


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

LucasJackson said:


> -Another gift given to us by nature to help the species procreate. Unfortunately for you, women were given big loving hearts that are easily susceptible to falling for a man's bullsh*t. Another tool of nature to help us perpetuate the species. Not that any of that is any excuse for his terrible behavior. It isn't. That's why my vote is you move on, ignore any desperate pleas that might come your way, and find a smart, more evolved, guy in the future.


I don't agree. Both men and women have a different way of playing GAMES with each other. Men may say "I love you" to get her panties off, and women say "open business down there' to get money / attention from a man. Both sex have sex and love desires.

Every single person has the capacity to cheat. Even the smartest of us. Its a matter of compassion, empathy and respect IMHO. We're stupid animals in general.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Confused in love said:


> Okay, so I called my husbands mistress's husband. Spoke to him for a few minutes to see if he knew what was going on between my husband and his wife. He didn't know much surprisingly. But right after I hung up from him. she recognized my number and screen-shotted it to my husband. And of course my husband called me asking me why I called him. This is a mess. How did she recognize my number and why did she screen shot it to my soon-to-be-husband? Am I doing the wrong thing here? Am I crazy? Do those two really have a relationship or what?
> It seems the more digging I do. The more I feel uneasy as to what is going on under my nose. He moved out today & im trying to piece together this whole thing. Piece by piece. Sadly.


You need not ask any more questions, nor do any more investigation.

This is a deep rabbit hole. Very deep.

Just know this has all the hallmarks of a long term affair and act accordingly.

File, 180, and do not deviate unless he goes no contact, is willing to tell his parents or anyone else important to him, gives you a written timeline of the affair, and agrees to individual counseling.

Find someone who will treat you like a wife should be treated.

ETA: And for the record, honor among service members is not necessarily extended to significant others. Twenty years in the Army showed me that too many service members, both male and female, play fast and loose with sex, whether married or not.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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