# 5 months pregnant, and dont know what to do..



## Mercades

Hi there I will tell you a bit about our marriage

I married my husband 4 years ago. He proposed after I got pregnant with my oldest daughter. I am now 5 months pregnant with our third child. Over the last 4 years I have noticed in my spouse, maybe some mental issues. He is always having moodswings, and he gets really mad at me for little things. 

About 7 months ago I was considering leaving. I just wanted to have a life away from him, and he didnt let that happen easily. I wanted to have a life with friends that didnt involve him becasue I was feeling like I could never do anything right, and was always in trouble with him.

I have never agreed with porn or strippers, and he says he never agreed with it either. He vowed he was not like that, and he would often come home from work and tell me stories about some of his coworkers, watching porn and going and sleeping with strippers while they were married. I never have had any trust problems, and never kept him at home. If he wanted to go have drinks with his friends, I understood, that its nice to unwind from work, and a 3 and 2 year old.

7 months ago I caught him looking at porn. My first reaction was I was mad, his first reaction was denial. Once he admited it, I forgave him and I do know as a man temptation is always there.

As soon as we found out we were pregnant with the third, I vowed to myself I would keeping giving my all in our marriage. He was thrilled I was pregnant as he knew I was having thoughts of leaving and my social life will end, during the pregnancy. 

This past week has been weird. He has been distant, and working alot. I suppose it is possible for him to be tired from work and that.

Last night he went out of town to work, I asked him if he was drinking with his friends, away and he says yes that they have alot to talk about there company so they will go to a pub in the city he was in and have some beers. I said okay have fun and no strippers, just kidding around. I guess sub consious I was worried, because of the way things were going. He said of course not! I never heard from him for a few hours and it was late, so I thought I'd call him and say goodnight. Well he anwsers the phone and all I can hear is loud music the song "I like the way your booty bounces" and a bunch of men screaming. So I told him to go outside to talk to me. I confronted him about being at a stripclub, and he denied it and kept hanging up on me, so I kept calling and finally got through, and I could tell he was outside, and he still kept dening everything. I heard some of his coworkers talking about the black and white girls, and comparing them. So I said im not stupid...after him hanging up and me calling about 5 more times. He finaly said well we were near a strip club, I said 'NEAR?" and he said yes I didnt feel comfortable, then I heard a bunch of girls in the backround and he hung up. Finaly he anwsered when he was in his hotel, (so I think) and said he was going to bed. I said fine goodnight. I have not heard from him, and I have no intentions of calling him. 

Just so you all know, this from what I know has never happened before. He has never been the type to ignore me or hang up on me like that. I just cant beileve this all. I am the type of person, where I dont take this kind of behaviour lighly. I am sitting at home with our 2 daughters and 5 months pregnant, and your out doing your thing. With him not even making an effort it hurts.

I feel like I want out, this problem seems to be confirming it for me. I am scared to death to leave. I am scared of being a single mom with 3 kids. I just dont know what to do, but I feel like there is only one thing to do...Please help. Thank you 

PS I did post this in a different thread but felt this was more appropriate place


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## workin'

I have pasted my response to your thread from the "Considering Divorce or Separation " forum:

Hi, Mercades.
Please read my thread:Can I live with the suspicions, or the truth?http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/13986-can-i-live-suspicions-truth.html
I feel your pain. I hope this won't be too long, but I would like to address several issues, going back through your posts:

My Hubby also had terrible mood swings, while he was struggling with his infidelities in our relationship. Not saying this is your case, but you may want to investigate, like I did, to see if there is a deeper problem. In my case, it was almost 5 years of strip clubs, lying about his whereabouts.

We had also had previous discussions on this, and agreed that it was not something that we were comfortable with. Yes, it was more me than him, but I was aware of him looking up porn, and we used to watch adult movies together, before we had kids. HOWEVER, I did object when I found escort sites, and more and more porn on his puter history. GUYS...don't agree to something if you are not willing to commit to it!

HE LIED TO YOU, AND BETRAYED YOUR TRUST. HE CHEATED ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP, AND HE GOT CAUGHT! I caught mine when he carelessly charged strip clubs on our card. You no longer trust him. DO NOT feel guilty about that! HE has to fix that. Do NOT feel bad, about checking accounts, records, etc. This is part of the proof that he is no longer straying. You may suspect him, every time he leaves the house. It may take some time, to believe he is where he is telling you. HE will need to learn EMPATHY for what you are feeling. I still suffer the pangs of suspicion, but I am better prepared to deal with them, and he is better at reassuring me.

DO NOT RUN AWAY FROM YOUR MARRIAGE....but do run to a marriage counselor!! Ours has helped us tremendously, to work on putting our marriage back on track. It has been almost 6 months, and we do still have a ways to go. I told my Hubby straight up: "I may take some of the blame for things being wrong in our relationship, but I REFUSE to take blame for decisions you have made". He realized quickly, how seriously he damaged our marriage, and did not resist counseling at all.

My kids are 20 and 15. They know we are going to therapy, but they do not know the details. They know we are going to learn how to communicate better and treat each other better. My youngest even asked if we could go to family therapy, because he sees the improvement between Hubby and I. Your kids are very young...they may never know about the specifics of this period in your marriage, but they may see each of you working on your relationship, and THAT'S what they can learn.

My Hubby has now turned down several business meetings, where, in the past, he had used them as a front for his escapades. He is no longer involved in his weekly pasttime, which was also used for this. Funny, he doesn't complain about not doing any of these things-things he cold not miss, before. Our therapist suggested sex addiction counseling, and I think that scared him. He has decided, and I support him, to work on this without an additional therapist. I wrote a lengthy letter, which I read in therapy, expressing my deep feelings, and how I wanted to go forward. One of those things was for him to not put himself in the positions that allowed him an alibi for cheating(yes, he was cheating!) He now understands that, IF this happens again, I walk.

I do not know, and may never know, if he had physical relations with any of these women. Through therapy, I decided to move forward from this point, without knowing more. I already knew enough, for now.

Before I wed my previous husband(I was widowed), I learned, in pre-marriage counseling, that the attraction for others may always be there...the maturity in love, is to not act upon those feelings. Some marriages are more open than yours or mine. Bottom line...it has to be mutual consent.


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