# Surrounded by Frickin' Idiots



## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

I must give credit to Dr. Evil from Austin Powers for my thread title. It is something I say quite often coming from the family I do.

My family is twisted, annoying, unhealthy, shallow, and greedy. My father is a horrible man who has every symptom of Borderline Personality. He was horribly abusive (mostly verbal and mental). My first memories are of his temper tantrums and name calling. From the age of 4 I can remember him calling me and my siblings a**holes, f*ckers, and my favorite, c*ocks*ckers. Can you imagine calling your little daughter those things as you yell in their face? Would you ever rip the head off of your daughters Raggedy Ann doll in front of her? We were hit and yelled at mostly because my father had terrible jobs and when he would pull up, we would run to our rooms. As soon as he walked in he would call us kids to come to him. He would ask, IS YOUR ROOM CLEAN? We had to answer YES FATHER or NO FATHER. No matter what state our rooms were in, he would still go off and the beatings and screaming would begin. When my dad was like this, no one was safe, so if he was mad at me for my mess, he would make up or think of something my brother did or didn't do so his abuse could be dealt to both of us no matter the crime. I spent most of my childhood crying and plotting my father's murder with my little brother. Since I am the eldest, I also have my father's features, his body type and his likes and dislikes (music, stuff like that). For me to be favored, I had to act negative like him from a young age. I figured out that if I agreed with and acted like the monster, he wouldn't hurt me and for the most part, that worked, but it did something to my soul. 

Here is how we turned out: I am 44 with a nasty outlook on life, I find it hard to trust people, I have an anxiety disorder that requires medication and therapy. I also have irritable bowel syndrome that goes hand in hand with anxiety disorders so I don't go out much when I am stressed because an attack could hit at any moment and I don't want to soil myself! I am also very into material things because whenever dad calmed from his fits, he would get us gifts that we had to take with a smile. He never asked forgiveness, we got our presents, now shut up. Due to this, the only thing that makes me happy is shopping. I have had to claim bankrupcy, my marriage is in trouble over my debt, and I know my husband doesn't understand.

My brother cannot hide the contempt he feels for my father and won't speak to him at family functions, etc. However, my brother is also a Jesus Freaker and very judgemental and denies he ignores my father when we all see it so clearly. He doesn't want anything to do with me or my sister, he isn't mad at us, we are just "people he knows." He is insanely vain, always has to have the best of everything, the best car, clothes, house, stereos. The only time he invites us over is to show off his new toys. Funny, but at Xmas, he always buys the cheapest gifts.

My little sister was born when I was 12. Both my parents worked afternoons so the crib was moved into my room and at 12 I was a mother. I had to take her everywhere I went with friends in her stroller. I had to bathe her, get her up for school, the only thing I didn't do was breast feed her. I never resented my sister for this, in fact, I love my sister more than anyone on earth. Though I think my decision NOT to have kids had a lot to do with the fact that I already had a kid and I knew what raising a child was about.

As my sister grew, we became best friends. I was 12 so she was raised on horror movies and heavy metal. We have the same twisted sense of humor, love to laugh, and we both hate my dad. 

Now on to the Kool-aide. Recently, my great aunt Mary died. She was a nasty old spinster who ate cat food while she had millions of dollars in the bank. All her money was given to her neices and nephews since she never had children nor a will. Now my father is using money and gifts as weapons to get us all in line. And to my chagrin, THEY ARE KEEPING IN LINE! In our family, even extended families on my dad's side, money means everything. Very greedy people. Money controls people. Money means power. So my sister wasn't visiting him enough, he bought her a car. He will hold that car over her head until he dies. He also bought her boyfriend an Iphone. This is NOT out of kindness, it is control. Now my sister won't say a bad word about my father. He bought her off. I lost my best friend. He bought my brother a new top of the line fridge and a new gun. These gifts are not free, they will be used as leverage and it's working like a charm. 

Now I am a grown woman of 44 and this abuse is still going on. My mother whom I always thought was sweet and wonderful has fallen out of favor since she decided to drink the kool-aide and now guilts me daily about spending more time with my father. For years she had always been my comfort source because she was treated as we were treated. She watched our abuse from the sidelines and did nothing to stop it. Once, while my father was terrorizing my brother and myself, I looked over my dad's shoulder and mouthed the words: HELP US. She just looked away. I was about 10 by then. She guilt trips me every chance she gets when she knows how I feel about my father. I have always had her as a sounding board/best friend for years. I feel so betrayed that she drank the kool-aide and now I am a horrible daughter. 

I told my mother that I did not want any of his money becuase then he will own me. Yes, I have no job and my husband is out of work, we could use the money, but the price is too high. Lately, my father has been buying things for me and shipping them to my house because I won't go over there. I get a sour feeling in my stomach when another box arrives. Funny thing is that he sends me things HE LIKES. He sent me new computer speakers because the one thing we have in common is music. I told him I didn't need them. Next day, there is the UPS man! Soon after, I get a call from my mother (his brain dead slave) saying that I should call my father to thank him. MANIPULATION!!!!!!! Crystal clear manipulation and I hate it. A few days ago, he sent me his favorite nuts (4 bags) and his favorite candy (a whole case). The first thing that goes through my mind is not ,OH HOW NICE! It's OH CRAP I GOTTA CALL MY FATHER AND THANK HIM. So I didin't. The child in me lied and said my phone was missing, hence I couldn't call him. I got dozens of emails from my mother pushing me to thank my father. I don't answser my phone anymore becuase they call me 20 tiumes a day to guilt trip me. To get me back in the fold. Last night my father left me this message: ONE OF THESE DAYS YOU ARE GOING TO NEED SOMETHING FROM ME AND THERE WILL BE NO ONE TO HELP YOU in his mean low voice where I could tell his teeth were clenched.

I feel betrayed by my mother and my sister the most. Are their souls worth so little? My little sister is 32, a waitress for 11 years, no aspirations, just complaints. She is very negative and complains about everything. She is one of those people that if you do or have something, she will lie and say she did it better, did it bigger. Her lies are legion. She lies to build herself up. For instance, she went bowling for the first time in awhile and told me she bowled a 298. She told my friends brother she had her master's in psychology. She works at a diner a step down from Denny's and says she makes $900 a week in tips alone. The more she lies, the more I avoid her. When I try to tell her she is full of it, she explodes and cries. I think someday she will disown me for telling her the truth about herself. The rest of the family won't do it. 3 years ago, her boyfriend blew his brains out in front of her after a night of long drinking. He died that night. I went as far as going to her place and asking where he shot himself to see the blood for myself because I never believe a thing she says. If she tells you the time, CHECK YOUR WATCH.

After such a tragedy, she is riding the POOR ME train into the ground. If I call her to talk about a problem, she will yell, YOU DIDIN'T HAVE TO WATCH YOUR LOVER DIE, ANY PROBLEM YOU HAVE ISN'T CLOSE TO WHAT I WENT THROUGH, SO GET OVER IT. My whole family knows that I am in a deep depression right now and my husband is a raging alcoholic which doesn't help. She keeps telling me to come to her house, pushing really. She says I am a horrible sister who won't visit her. She has not been to my house in about 5 years. 

So here I sit, alone, always alone. To tell the truth, I love being alone. My family thinks I am sick for never going out even though they know I hibernate during winter. I also have no money, where am I supposed to go? Well, their houses of course! Every time I see my family I have to take a Xanax to get through it. In my brother's wedding photos, my face looked it was melting, my eyes droopy, my mouth slack. SEXY EH?

Here is the clincher. My father HATES his mother for the same reasons I hate him. He never answsers when she calls, he never visits. My mother thinks this is fine since she was such a bad mother. I am behaving towards my father exactly how he reacts to his mother and my family thinks I am evil. I can't believe they do not see that history is repeating itself.

Since my deep depression, I have put on 50 pounds which is unheard of in my family. My mother was always obese and the things my father says to her would make you sick. Now, I am hiding from my family until I lose weight because I don't want to be subjected to that. I may have years of therapy under my belt, but I am still brainwashed that fat=ugly and unlovable. And to top off my wonderful sundae is that the other night I caught my husband who I have not had sex with in a year due to HIS depression jerking off to ****** porn. Then the confesses (while drunk) that he no longer finds me sexually attractive because of my weight. AHA! My father has been telling that for years and it came true!

I truly have no one. 80 percent of me thinks that is great after all the crap I have had to endure. The other 20 percent is saddened and scared and I just want to hide. Actually, I am in hiding. It's like I feel if people see me fat, they will chase me with fire and sticks. 

Thank you for letting me rant in such a long letter. I am not looking for advice though you can give me some if you feel you want to. I am looking for people who are going through this and how they handled it. I need outside perspective. I need people WHO HAVEN'T HAD A DRINK OF MY FATHER'S KOOL-AIDE.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

endlessgrief said:


> I must give credit to Dr. Evil from Austin Powers for my thread title. It is something I say quite often coming from the family I do.
> 
> My family is twisted, annoying, unhealthy, shallow, and greedy. My father is a horrible man who has every symptom of Borderline Personality. He was horribly abusive (mostly verbal and mental). My first memories are of his temper tantrums and name calling. From the age of 4 I can remember him calling me and my siblings a**holes, f*ckers, and my favorite, c*ocks*ckers. Can you imagine calling your little daughter those things as you yell in their face? Would you ever rip the head off of your daughters Raggedy Ann doll in front of her? We were hit and yelled at mostly because my father had terrible jobs and when he would pull up, we would run to our rooms. As soon as he walked in he would call us kids to come to him. He would ask, IS YOUR ROOM CLEAN? We had to answer YES FATHER or NO FATHER. No matter what state our rooms were in, he would still go off and the beatings and screaming would begin. When my dad was like this, no one was safe, so if he was mad at me for my mess, he would make up or think of something my brother did or didn't do so his abuse could be dealt to both of us no matter the crime. I spent most of my childhood crying and plotting my father's murder with my little brother. Since I am the eldest, I also have my father's features, his body type and his likes and dislikes (music, stuff like that). For me to be favored, I had to act negative like him from a young age. I figured out that if I agreed with and acted like the monster, he wouldn't hurt me and for the most part, that worked, but it did something to my soul.
> 
> ...


My brothers and sisters have some love-fest going and I am the chosen outsider. Different circumstances, but I feel your pain. No words of wisdom, middle of night and have to work tomorrow, but someone hears you and cares.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Thank you golfergirl, that is very sweet and touching. Being the black sheep is never easy, but I would rather be the black sheep than all the white ones led to the slaughter.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I can't say my situation is as bad - but I have one of those fathers, too. I do not have anything to do with him, don't talk to him, don't email him, etc. My mom, (on whom he cheated numerous times before divorcing her to marry one of his girlfriends), still defends him and says how much I should have a relationship with him before it's too late. Wtf. My younger siblings talk to and see my dad on a regular basis, it seems, but they usually just claim they are getting what they deserve out of him, (he's fairly wealthy). I can't bring myself to stoop to that level. 

The situation you're in - seems very emeshed and unhealthy. Unraveling the years of psychological abuse and neglect is going to take a lot of effort with a therapist. I've not gone that route yet, as I'm not ready to do THAT work...

Just wanted to say that I'm sorry you are going through this - your situation sounds tough, but you can get through it! Wishing you the best!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Thank you YinPrincess. Therapy is what opened my eyes and removed the web of lies from my eyes. I see clearly now. Maybe a little too clearly. I would help any of them if they needed it. They are still my family.

In the meantine, I cannot stand to talk to them or be in their presence. I may be lonely right now, but it is a hell of a lot better than being belittled and having my body language watched. These are NOT missable people.


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## DamagedGoods (Mar 7, 2012)

I could have written this very post. Except a few minor changes.
I to was abused by my father and told I was a mistake. My brother 10 years older (deceased as of 1989...We both were in a terrible car wreck that we were ejected from the car) he was my world. protection- EVERYTHING. in spite of the age difference. My sister , spawn of satin is 13 years older than I - resented me from day one.
I was stuck in her room and she hated it and terrorized me.
My father told me after surviving the car accident, being in the trauma unit for 2 weeks before moving to critical care....that I should have been the one that died...because he only had one son.

I could go on and on....I too never leave the house because of anxiety. Not to be vain...but my appearance was my only safety net as I could hide behind only the fact that I was told how attractive I was, now I have gained weight in a horrible depression, that I can't bare to face or see anyone as now I feel as ugly on the outside as I do on the inside. No hiding behind superficial bull**** anymore. It is written all over my face and body just how broken I truly am and always have been since a small child.
By the way I am 40, married for 15 years in a sexless (my fault) emotionless charade of a marriage. My entire family suffers from depression...however I am the only one who is willing to admit that we all suffer from depression. My husband says it's all in my head and they are fine...I am the weak one looking for excuses to feel sorry for myself. it is too much to include in one reply- but I can relate to you in many, many ways. you are not emotionally alone- although we are physically even with people walking around the house I am completely alone.


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## capricorngirl_99 (Feb 7, 2012)

I am very sorry all of this happened to you.  It is so awful that there are human beings treat their kids like this. It is sad that your mother is trying to jump on the bandwagon with your father. I am going to be harsh and suggest this but have you tried just cutting them out of your life. I think that would honestly be the first step towards your recovery. They are nothing but unhealthy entities in your life. They are the ones that caused all of the pain that you are in. As much as it would hurt, it would be better to cut them off and get rid of all that negative energy. I know you can recover from this. You appear to be a strong person despite all the pain you have been through. Hugs.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I'm so sorry to hear about your tormented life. That's really awful. Although I had two very loving parents and a decent childhood, I've more than made up for it over the past six years. My six year saga reads much like life long story (different area, of course). I just couldn't imagine living with so many frickin' idiots around me for so long. And here I thought six years felt like an eternity! No real advice, but I hope things change for the better for you real soon.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I won't go into my history just now, but reading yours reminded me just why I am so phucked up. I had a few good years, but they are now over, and it looks like I'm about to go back to being alone soon. So be it.

My sister: she is 14 years younger than me. brother: 11 years younger. Same Mom, different Dad. I grew up on the back burner after my mother remarried, and my only use was to babysit the 2 younger ones. Resent much? Um. Yes! Anyways, of course, my sister has completely different memories than I do, and is hell bent on making me see how wonderful our mother is. I must admit, she's a lot better now than she used to be, but not by any means, mother of the year.

No one but me will remember being left on a busy downtown corner to wait while they went into a pub to drink...or being left in the car for the very same reason. Their stupid wild parties, where their drunken leacherous friends would be...getting kicked, punched, and slapped...

Ya Mom and Dad were great....


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Oh dear...I had an abusive childhood too. It caused mental health issues and a lack of self esteem, which led to choosing abusive men. 

Therapy and my happy marriage helped a lot. I have also come to feel compassion and admiration for the mother that was so hard on me. She is wounded and damaged in her own ways. Only a very twisted person could be so physically and emotionally abusive. As I matured, I realized that my mother had the best of intentions even though she was much too strict. She only knew how to be a militant parent because that was also her upbringing. 

We all have the right to feel angry at abusive parents; it is necessary to go through that stage in order to heal. I would encourage you to find a way to forgive, not for them but for yourself. You don't deserve to live your life with bitterness and hate. Free yourself from your past and look forward to a brighter future. I still have my days where I grieve what I lost in childhood.

It is not our fault that abuse causes emotional damage and self destructive patterns. However, we can no longer blame our parents when we are adults capable of taking responsibility for our own lives.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Sounds like my in laws. They make the "Gavins" from 'Rescue Me' look semi normal.


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## specwar (Apr 14, 2011)

You should thank the good lord that you were blessed with insight. The vision to look outside yourself and see things as they are instead of only by feeling them.

Some people use the ability of insight to try to manipulate those around them. Others (me) use insight to be situationally aware of how others percieve me as well as how the others are reacting to them by watching and listening to their verbal and physical cues.

Are people stupid...that is subjective. I will say that it is the priority that we give to a thing that makes it what it is. If something is low on your priority list then you ignore it. If it is high then you value it and make time for it. 

I try to live by the motto that I am an adult and I create and control the environment that I am in. I don't apologize for it but I don't look to blame others for what is. You have alot of life experience with what not to do in life to be successfull at (fill in blank) There are many people wandering around wondering or afraid to make judgements based on what they perceive is right and wrong. 

You don't have that problem. Now if you can let others be who they want to be and live your life in a ethical way many will be influenced by what they see in you. You are also in the position to be honest with how somebody impacted you negatively or positively. The great thing about having a calm conversation is that if you have it with somebody (even if it is negative what is coming out of your mouth) they will replay it over and over in their mind. If you show calm restraint if they are in the wrong quite often they will fly off the handle and to all those in the room you have won. 

To those who are irrational (in my experience) or who base decisions off of feelings the more calm you are in your discussions with them the more angry they will become. I am not going to lie and say that I haven't used this to my advantage.

It is also ok to let people be who they want to be and if they ask advice instead of personalizing it to them use your own stories to explain how to see things in a different more critical way (without emotion). 

Your story also helps to show how a few people can impact so many around them in a good and bad way. We can make a choice to influence it for the better or step aside and break the line and begin a better line for you and the people who are in your life.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> The situation you're in - seems very emeshed and unhealthy. Unraveling the years of psychological abuse and neglect is going to take a lot of effort with a therapist. I've not gone that route yet, as I'm not ready to do THAT work...
> 
> Just wanted to say that I'm sorry you are going through this - your situation sounds tough, but you can get through it! Wishing you the best!!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was in one on one therapy for over five years, 2 - 3 times per week, very expensive, but I had a job and health insurance then. You are right to be hesitant to unravel that ball of yarn. The work was SO HARD. Put it this way, my first session my shrink asked me what my childhood was like and I said IT WAS GREAT. I thought it was great!!!! As the months turned into years I was forced to see my family for who they are and what they have done and I am glad I did it. My biggest fear is that someone will feel about ME the way I feel about my FATHER. So I practice tons of self-reflection and asking my husband to let me know when I do something like my father so I can stop doing whatever I am doing. My parents were afraid of me getting well and were against therapy. Now I know why.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

DamagedGoods said:


> I too never leave the house because of anxiety. Not to be vain...but my appearance was my only safety net as I could hide behind only the fact that I was told how attractive I was, now I have gained weight in a horrible depression, that I can't bare to face or see anyone as now I feel as ugly on the outside as I do on the inside. No hiding behind superficial bull**** anymore. It is written all over my face and body just how broken I truly am and always have been since a small child.
> .


Holy crap you just summed up my life right now in the paragraph I quoted from you above. Now that I have lost my body and beauty, I have a hard time even having my husband seeing me. At some point we must put down the pity card, get out of bed and get our bodies back. <<<yawn>>> but after this nap


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

capricorngirl_99 said:


> I am very sorry all of this happened to you.  It is so awful that there are human beings treat their kids like this. It is sad that your mother is trying to jump on the bandwagon with your father. I am going to be harsh and suggest this but have you tried just cutting them out of your life. I think that would honestly be the first step towards your recovery. They are nothing but unhealthy entities in your life. They are the ones that caused all of the pain that you are in. As much as it would hurt, it would be better to cut them off and get rid of all that negative energy. I know you can recover from this. You appear to be a strong person despite all the pain you have been through. Hugs.


Yes, I have tried numerous times to cut them out of my life. They are emotional vampires and I no more blood left to give. The reason they are all after me right now is because I was trying another escape by not answering my phone nor returning messages and no visits. I even skipped xmas this year which is unheard of! But I did it. It was the best xmas of my life.

These people are like ****roaches. They keep coming back and trying. I can't talk to them like adults because they have children's minds. They are all mentally sick, feeding off of eachother and looking to me on the outside like I am the crazy one. 

I am tryinig to pull a 180 on my family. If and when they do find me, I am going to be all cheerful (they hate that) and not complain and end calls quickly. I just wish they hadn't gotten to my little sister. That hurts the most as she was my confidante and best friend. Now she is negative, cranky, mean, and selfish. Talking to her is like talking to my dad. I feel like there has been a death, ya know?


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

827Aug said:


> I'm so sorry to hear about your tormented life. That's really awful. Although I had two very loving parents and a decent childhood, I've more than made up for it over the past six years. My six year saga reads much like life long story (different area, of course). I just couldn't imagine living with so many frickin' idiots around me for so long. And here I thought six years felt like an eternity! No real advice, but I hope things change for the better for you real soon.


Thank you for reaching out, it means a lot. By the way, the dog on your avatar is gorgeous! Is that an Australian Shepherd? If it weren't for my four exotic parrots and my dog, I would go nuts.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

very astute specwar! Everyone has a right to be who they are. In my family we had to be who dad wanted us to be,down to what we found funny or scary. Total mind control. All the screaming, arguments, pleading, and calm conversations have gotten me nowhere with my family (it's the Kool-aide, I tell ya) so I am just trying to move on. 

My therapist put it like this: For all of my life, my family danced in a specific formation. Everyone had their own dance steps that were given to them by my father. As my therapy progressed and I started to dance differently, they all went on the attack trying to get me to go back to dancing the way I was trained to dance. Yet still, I continue to change my dance steps and it drives them all nuts. I will never stop dancing to my own tune. I am not doing this to hurt them, I am doing this to save ME.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I have heard that same analogy, albeit from a book about borderline mothers and not my therapist.

I danced alone for many years, teaching myself the best steps. 

My husband taught me some more steps and now we dance together.


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