# 16 years and about to come to an end.



## Jaisunny (Sep 22, 2021)

I'm (M-38) and she's F-33. We live together and have 2 kids, 9 and 12. We aren't married. 

I've been so bad to her throughout the 16 years, no real affection. Cheating twice (2016 and 2020). The cheating was on the back of a bad time when she said she didn't love me. The second time while I was cheating (I didn't sleep with anyone) her father died and I wasn't there for her. 

I've been so horrible. She took me back and begged me, I came back as I do love her and the kids. 14 months later its like a switch went in her head and I got the silent treatment, 3 days passed and I had to ask her what's up as it was eating me. She said she cant get over my cheating and everything else. 

I've reflected on our entire 16 years and I can hand on heart, see my faults. I got therapy(about 5 hours) to figure out why I wasn't great to someone I truly love. It's made me aware, my upbringing, broken family and the death of my father on my 11th birthday, no comfort and support from anyone, turning to crime and eventually dealing with relationships poorly. Altho clean from crime for 15+ years, I still deal with close ppl badly, up until now, when I've realised my mistakes. 

She's cold with me. Said she is done, says she needs me gone ASAP, she's actively trying to help me find somewhere to go. She hates me so much. I'm losing the plot, she means the absolute world to me and I want to turn things around and treat her like the queen she deserves. I've left it too late and taken her for granted. 

Help help help.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Sad to say but, it seems you made your your bed and now you will have to lay in it. Nobody deserves to be cheated on or treated like crap and nothing excuses that behavior. Take it as a life lesson and learn/grow from it.


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## Jaisunny (Sep 22, 2021)

Tested_by_stress said:


> Sad to say but, it seems you made your your bed and now you will have to lay in it. Nobody deserves to be cheated on.


You aren't wrong. But it's also quite common in life. Many people get forgiven, some need therapy before doing that. I wasn't remorseful for my cheating, that broke her more. I've messed up so bad and I'm trying to keep this family together.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She’s done. Let her go.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Jaisunny said:


> I'm trying to keep this family together.


That’s laughable ..... ha ha. See I told you.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Part of being a man is accepting that a lot in life comes down to simply whether you performed up to the task or not. In the case of being this woman's partner, you didn't. Not even close. 

I would drop all the manipulative therapy excuses about your childhood and just own what you did. Tell her you totally failed being the man she needs you to be. Period. No excuses. That you're sorry and the thought of losing her and the kids terrifies you. And if she gives you one more chance you'll be the man she needs you to be. And if she gives you one either perform or get off the stage already.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Jaisunny said:


> You aren't wrong. But it's also quite common in life. Many people get forgiven, some need therapy before doing that. I wasn't remorseful for my cheating, that broke her more. I've messed up so bad and I'm trying to keep this family together.


I don't know anyone who truly forgave a cheating spouse. Many stay together for the children and financial reasons. 

I'm sorry you had a rough childhood that put you on this path. It certainly can affect your capacity for empathy. But that doesn't mean she should stay if you're not treating her right and I think if you were able to treat her right, you would have done so before now. 

You can still get partial custody of the kids. Good luck.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

You aren't remorseful. There's no room for forgiveness here.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No one is entitled to forgiveness. Some will give it regardless and some won’t ever. Sounds like she’s tried to forgive you and it just hasn’t worked. That happens.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

When a woman is done, she's done. There's no coming back from this OP.

Forgiveness also doesn't mean that she has to stay married to you.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Jaisunny said:


> Help help help.


not sure how to help you.
when a woman falls out of love, that is usually it. no coming back


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Please don’t talk about your difficult past, now’s not the time. Never ever bring up a terrible childhood, it diminishes the victim. She’s finally safe and strong, so don’t talk about how your life felt for you, and how bad you feel now.

Moving forward, by yourself, talk about and think about how bad things have been for her. Every incident, every awful thing you’ve ever done to her. And do this away from her, and don’t contact her. I hope she’s going to be ok, and I wish her the best moving forward, and wish her every happiness. Now Is not the time to to dull her light, she’s finally shining.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Jaisunny said:


> You aren't wrong. But it's also quite common in life. Many people get forgiven, some need therapy before doing that. I wasn't remorseful for my cheating, that broke her more. I've messed up so bad and I'm trying to keep this family together.


What’s quite common in life? People failing at being faithful and being surprised at the consequences? Yes, that’s common. But the betrayed spouse suffers unimaginably and often this comes out randomly, without any warning.

It feels a bit like you think you’re entitled to forgiveness because it’s happened for others, and gee, you’ve had 5 whole hours of counseling! That might be a tiny fraction of what you need. Some of us who have been through therapy, or are still in it, might be thinking you stayed only long enough to get your attendance card punched a few times and then ditched, thinking you had all the answers already.

It could take years of work, turning you into something of value to your spouse. I think she’s already signaled that she’s done waiting; those years should have begun some time ago.


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## Jaisunny (Sep 22, 2021)

UPDATE:
So it now turns out that the real reason she demanded me to leave was because she was having an affair with a neighbour 2 weeks prior to asking me to leave. He basically told her that he cannot continue with this affair unless I leave, which is why she then asked me to leave the house and move elsewhere.

She's now asking me and begging me to come back.. Why? Because he has just rejected her and doesn't want a relationship with her.

So now she's grovelling back.

What I did to her in the past played a little part in her affair but, the main reason was that he convinced her that he wanted to be with her.

Apparently they only kissed twice and that's all they did physically.


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

Jaisunny said:


> UPDATE:
> So it now turns out that the real reason she demanded me to leave was because she was having an affair with a neighbour 2 weeks prior to asking me to leave. He basically told her that he cannot continue with this affair unless I leave, which is why she then asked me to leave the house and move elsewhere.
> 
> She's now asking me and begging me to come back.. Why? Because he has just rejected her and doesn't want a relationship with her.
> ...


Sounds like it is going to be a rocky relationship -- this eye-for-an-eye feeling/approach is not good for a relationship. 

That said, maybe you guys should do discernment counseling to figure out if you want to continue this relationship or not.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Jaisunny said:


> UPDATE:
> So it now turns out that the real reason she demanded me to leave was because she was having an affair with a neighbour 2 weeks prior to asking me to leave. He basically told her that he cannot continue with this affair unless I leave, which is why she then asked me to leave the house and move elsewhere.
> 
> She's now asking me and begging me to come back.. Why? Because he has just rejected her and doesn't want a relationship with her.
> ...


So now you have to decide if you want to be each others "Plan B."
If you do, both of you need to get some IC to address your respective individual malfunctions.
Then after that, some joint counseling would be in order to iron out your future as a couple.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Jaisunny said:


> UPDATE:
> So it now turns out that the real reason she demanded me to leave was because she was having an affair with a neighbour 2 weeks prior to asking me to leave. He basically told her that he cannot continue with this affair unless I leave, which is why she then asked me to leave the house and move elsewhere.
> 
> She's now asking me and begging me to come back.. Why? Because he has just rejected her and doesn't want a relationship with her.
> ...


You know it went farther than that. 

And you were disposable to her when she had him. Now... suddenly...you are her one-and-only?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Jaisunny said:


> Apparently they only kissed twice and that's all they did physically.


Uh-huh. Yeah, right ....


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I don't know anyone who truly forgave a cheating spouse. Many stay together for the children and financial reasons.
> 
> I'm sorry you had a rough childhood that put you on this path. It certainly can affect your capacity for empathy. But that doesn't mean she should stay if you're not treating her right and I think if you were able to treat her right, you would have done so before now.
> 
> You can still get partial custody of the kids. Good luck.


There are people who do forgive. Not all stay though.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

Jaisunny said:


> ...
> 
> Apparently they only kissed twice and that's all they did physically.


Do you believe this?


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