# I'm ready for divorce!



## truthseeker46 (Nov 19, 2016)

I just cannot figure it out. A few years ago I was on here for advice and tried what was given to me. Nothing seems to work. I'm here in 2020 and there hasn't been any growth. However, in 2017, I accidently found that my husband was seeing another woman in 2017. He admitted it but showed no remorse which I felt was kind of strange. He wanted me to get over it right away. Which was very hard because my previous marriage I dealt with affairs a lot for 20 years. That was one thing I asked never to do to me. I turn 50 this year and I believe I have had enough. I have used the advice from here to talk about intimacy, but in the last two years we only had intercourse 3 times. He tells me it's complicated, he is not in his 20s, or your attitude doesn't interest me. I finally just accepted it and decided if it's not important to him it's not important to me. I believe we are both disrespectful towards each other. I began being disrespectful when I started feeling he is a manipulator. He has admitted he sugar coats our marriage with others, but will deny he ever said it. He wants me to be the wife of Leave it to Beaver. That is not me. We tried counseling for two sessions which he suggested we do and then discontinued. I have 2 children left and 2 adult children as of today. They give him a lot of respect because he is an elder but at the same time they would like to see me move on and start a new life . I have been married to this man for almost 6 years. He goes to work and comes home and goes to bed in the winter months, but at the same time he would like his kiss and hug before he goes to bed. I feel like his mother more than his wife. He wants me to kiss him good night and give him a hug. If I bring up any confrontation between us or what is bothering me he calls me an evil person and says we will talk tomorrow and tomorrow never seems to come. He doesn't even cherish memories with me and he said he likes me better when I was reserved around him when we met. I tried everything with this man but he portrays it negative. I went to a couple at church to guide us and he just doesn't have the time. What he doesn't know that Im such a private person I never told them our struggles. He doesn't want a divorce and I know if I try he will find every way to get out of it or make my life miserable in a kind way. We have done nothing but have disagreements for the past two years. I was sick with anemia and other things two years ago he was not supportive but I'm thankful today I'm healthy. My children were. My three girls are feeling neglected as well as I am. However we all get hugs before he goes to work and bed. He doesn't have a relationship with us as a family member. His life consist of being gone most of the time at work. We have learn to be content in the last 6 years to be a family with just the 4 of us. When is home the girls feel awkward and even I do. We feel like we are living with a stranger but he wants us when he finally gives us the time of day to be part of the family. I could go on and on but there is just to much. Thanks for listening Maybe the next time I will be free from this marriage. My son calls him a snowflake as well as my oldest daughter. He is very kind and nice but sure likes to let me know everything wrong with me and how I should behave. Thanks for listening.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I'm very sorry you are going through this. So, make yourself a plan -- without regard to him or what you "think" he will do. See a few lawyers, look into what the financials, child support/custody, etc. would look like for you. He has flat out told you that "your attitude doesn't interest me " -- so why should his interest YOU.
Start with the 180 -- it will help you detach more.
Get yourself together -- eat, exercise, get even closer with your kids (depending on their ages, they may be allowed to make the choice to live with YOU as primary. 
Sounds like he just wants a nanny and housekeeper -- YOU need to think it through, generate a plan for yourself and then execute on the plan. If HE makes it hard, have all communications go through the lawyer (and have your lawyer make sure that HE pays your lawyer fees also -- may make him think twice when he sees how expensive it could get).


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Does marriage sounds very broken. I just think you'd be happy or on your own if you can manage it. It does kind of sound like he's keeping you around to be his mother cook and housekeeper.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

truthseeker46 said:


> I just cannot figure it out. A few years ago I was on here for advice and tried what was given to me. Nothing seems to work. I'm here in 2020 and there hasn't been any growth. However, in 2017, I accidently found that my husband was seeing another woman in 2017. He admitted it but showed no remorse which I felt was kind of strange. He wanted me to get over it right away. Which was very hard because my previous marriage I dealt with affairs a lot for 20 years. That was one thing I asked never to do to me. I turn 50 this year and I believe I have had enough. I have used the advice from here to talk about intimacy, but in the last two years we only had intercourse 3 times. He tells me it's complicated, he is not in his 20s, or your attitude doesn't interest me. I finally just accepted it and decided if it's not important to him it's not important to me. I believe we are both disrespectful towards each other. I began being disrespectful when I started feeling he is a manipulator. He has admitted he sugar coats our marriage with others, but will deny he ever said it. He wants me to be the wife of Leave it to Beaver. That is not me. We tried counseling for two sessions which he suggested we do and then discontinued. I have 2 children left and 2 adult children as of today. They give him a lot of respect because he is an elder but at the same time they would like to see me move on and start a new life . I have been married to this man for almost 6 years. He goes to work and comes home and goes to bed in the winter months, but at the same time he would like his kiss and hug before he goes to bed. I feel like his mother more than his wife. He wants me to kiss him good night and give him a hug. If I bring up any confrontation between us or what is bothering me he calls me an evil person and says we will talk tomorrow and tomorrow never seems to come. He doesn't even cherish memories with me and he said he likes me better when I was reserved around him when we met. I tried everything with this man but he portrays it negative. I went to a couple at church to guide us and he just doesn't have the time. What he doesn't know that Im such a private person I never told them our struggles. He doesn't want a divorce and I know if I try he will find every way to get out of it or make my life miserable in a kind way. We have done nothing but have disagreements for the past two years. I was sick with anemia and other things two years ago he was not supportive but I'm thankful today I'm healthy. My children were. My three girls are feeling neglected as well as I am. However we all get hugs before he goes to work and bed. He doesn't have a relationship with us as a family member. His life consist of being gone most of the time at work. We have learn to be content in the last 6 years to be a family with just the 4 of us. When is home the girls feel awkward and even I do. We feel like we are living with a stranger but he wants us when he finally gives us the time of day to be part of the family. I could go on and on but there is just to much. Thanks for listening Maybe the next time I will be free from this marriage. My son calls him a snowflake as well as my oldest daughter. He is very kind and nice but sure likes to let me know everything wrong with me and how I should behave. Thanks for listening.


if he has an affair before it it likely that is where is time is going now. Any man who is not engaged in his household and is always away at work, sure thing he is getting his needs met elsewhere. Go into investigation mode. Do not say anything to him, snoop, have him followed etc. You did not deal with the previous affair, it was simply rug swept. Get evidence. Go see a lawyer and divorce him. Of course he wants to have his cake and eat it, simple cheater speak. The fact he didn't care about his previous affair and wanted you to get over it another example of cheater speak. How did his first marriage end? There were no consequences, he has no respect for you and will not have any. Time for you to leave him and divorce his ass. He just needs a house maid, someone to clean up after him. He gives the bare minimum to you all. Do you work, are you financially independent?


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## truthseeker46 (Nov 19, 2016)

jlg07 said:


> I'm very sorry you are going through this. So, make yourself a plan -- without regard to him or what you "think" he will do. See a few lawyers, look into what the financials, child support/custody, etc. would look like for you. He has flat out told you that "your attitude doesn't interest me " -- so why should his interest YOU.
> Start with the 180 -- it will help you detach more.
> Get yourself together -- eat, exercise, get even closer with your kids (depending on their ages, they may be allowed to make the choice to live with YOU as primary.
> Sounds like he just wants a nanny and housekeeper -- YOU need to think it through, generate a plan for yourself and then execute on the plan. If HE makes it hard, have all communications go through the lawyer (and have your lawyer make sure that HE pays your lawyer fees also -- may make him think twice when he sees how expensive it could get).





aine said:


> if he has an affair before it it likely that is where is time is going now. Any man who is not engaged in his household and is always away at work, sure thing he is getting his needs met elsewhere. Go into investigation mode. Do not say anything to him, snoop, have him followed etc. You did not deal with the previous affair, it was simply rug swept. Get evidence. Go see a lawyer and divorce him. Of course he wants to have his cake and eat it, simple cheater speak. The fact he didn't care about his previous affair and wanted you to get over it another example of cheater speak. How did his first marriage end? There were no consequences, he has no respect for you and will not have any. Time for you to leave him and divorce his ass. He just needs a house maid, someone to clean up after him. He gives the bare minimum to you all. Do you work, are you financially independent?


These words you speak have crossed my mind. Yes, I'm financially independent in savings but my employment is only seasonal. I don't have to worry about my girls because they are from my first marriage of 20 years. His first wife, which is sad, died in a car accident. Thank you for your imput.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He’s getting his needs met elsewhere. You should have sent him packing when you found him running around with another woman. You’re a private person. I would not keep to yourself what he did as far as cheating with another woman. He should be known for who he is. A cheater.
No remorse? How could you deal with not just a cheater, but an i remorseful one?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

truthseeker46 said:


> These words you speak have crossed my mind. Yes, I'm financially independent in savings but my employment is only seasonal. I don't have to worry about my girls because they are from my first marriage of 20 years. His first wife, which is sad, died in a car accident. Thank you for your imput.


Good to hear you could be independent. 

Six years is a short M.

The time to act decisively is now, before another few years pass.


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## Jules295 (Dec 9, 2020)

truthseeker46 said:


> I just cannot figure it out. A few years ago I was on here for advice and tried what was given to me. Nothing seems to work. I'm here in 2020 and there hasn't been any growth. However, in 2017, I accidently found that my husband was seeing another woman in 2017. He admitted it but showed no remorse which I felt was kind of strange. He wanted me to get over it right away. Which was very hard because my previous marriage I dealt with affairs a lot for 20 years. That was one thing I asked never to do to me. I turn 50 this year and I believe I have had enough. I have used the advice from here to talk about intimacy, but in the last two years we only had intercourse 3 times. He tells me it's complicated, he is not in his 20s, or your attitude doesn't interest me. I finally just accepted it and decided if it's not important to him it's not important to me. I believe we are both disrespectful towards each other. I began being disrespectful when I started feeling he is a manipulator. He has admitted he sugar coats our marriage with others, but will deny he ever said it. He wants me to be the wife of Leave it to Beaver. That is not me. We tried counseling for two sessions which he suggested we do and then discontinued. I have 2 children left and 2 adult children as of today. They give him a lot of respect because he is an elder but at the same time they would like to see me move on and start a new life . I have been married to this man for almost 6 years. He goes to work and comes home and goes to bed in the winter months, but at the same time he would like his kiss and hug before he goes to bed. I feel like his mother more than his wife. He wants me to kiss him good night and give him a hug. If I bring up any confrontation between us or what is bothering me he calls me an evil person and says we will talk tomorrow and tomorrow never seems to come. He doesn't even cherish memories with me and he said he likes me better when I was reserved around him when we met. I tried everything with this man but he portrays it negative. I went to a couple at church to guide us and he just doesn't have the time. What he doesn't know that Im such a private person I never told them our struggles. He doesn't want a divorce and I know if I try he will find every way to get out of it or make my life miserable in a kind way. We have done nothing but have disagreements for the past two years. I was sick with anemia and other things two years ago he was not supportive but I'm thankful today I'm healthy. My children were. My three girls are feeling neglected as well as I am. However we all get hugs before he goes to work and bed. He doesn't have a relationship with us as a family member. His life consist of being gone most of the time at work. We have learn to be content in the last 6 years to be a family with just the 4 of us. When is home the girls feel awkward and even I do. We feel like we are living with a stranger but he wants us when he finally gives us the time of day to be part of the family. I could go on and on but there is just to much. Thanks for listening Maybe the next time I will be free from this marriage. My son calls him a snowflake as well as my oldest daughter. He is very kind and nice but sure likes to let me know everything wrong with me and how I should behave. Thanks for listening.


Your life sounds like it is very sad and 'walking on egg shells' for your and your girls. I feel for you, having been there myself.

He, on the other hand, is enjoying the status quo and is in no rush to change it, his needs are being met. 

He sounds like a charmer, all sweetness and light when he has an audience, denying any problem in his relationship, which would mean admitting failure on his part and in private is totally switched off and critical of you, becasuse he sees it all as your fault. He is not a 'happy' man and it is NOT your job to make him happy. 

Having realised all of this, it IS your job now, to do what is best for you and your children. Reach out if you would like to.


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