# Confused about Best Friend



## Michelle86 (Jul 3, 2013)

I need some insight because I'm very confused. My best friend and I have known each other 14 years and when I lived in the same state he was over every day hanging out. Now that we live in separate states we still make it a point to visit each other and take vacations together. I had always been either dating someone or for the past 6 years I was married. I got divorced in Sept 2013. I had never really thought about my best friend as anything more than that. This past week we went on our annual vacation and got a bit drunk together. I got cozy with him watching tv in my hotel room and he ended up kissing me. Just a gentle peck and nothing more but I felt something. After being sober I'm wondering if it was just being drunk or something more because I can't stop thinking about it. I always said that we would be the perfect match except I didn't have feelings for him that way. So if I figure out that I do have feelings for him i am lost on what to do because I would not want anything to ruin our great friendship. If we are sure we both have feelings for each other is it worth the risk?

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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Michelle86 said:


> My best friend and I have known each other 14 years and when I lived in the same state he was over every day hanging out.


Hang out everyday for 8 years while you were having a boyfriend or a husband?




> Now that we live in separate states we still make it a point to visit each other and take vacations together. I had always been either dating someone or for the past 6 years I was married.


Take vacations together while you were having a boyfriend or a husband?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Hang out everyday for 8 years while you were having a boyfriend or a husband?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Wow
:scratchhead::scratchhead::iagree:


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## Michelle86 (Jul 3, 2013)

Yes my husband was there as well. Mu ex husband me and my friend always hung out together. We were friends way before my ex and I got together. My ex is the cheater not me he left me for another woman. I never thought of my friend as anything other than that.

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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

This is why Men and Women can't be "just friends".


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

It would seem simple from the outside.

Either, there is a very good reason why romance is not an issue, sexuality, huge age gap, one of you being extremely unattractive in some way.
Or
You have a suitor that has been friendzoned for eight years.

You clearly suspect it is the second unless you have had a very good reason for thinking the second?


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

well.... i would be honest if i was in you. I would just say: it was really nice staying with you that evening, i keep thinking about it.
Then go from there..... if they are roses who knows! Maybe he feels the same and think's the same thing like you


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## Michelle86 (Jul 3, 2013)

I'm not trying to sound like a b**** but I didn't ask for comments on anything but the fact of if it's worth pursuing. With that said there is not really an age gap I'm 27 he's 30. We are both average looking. We met through work and he was dating a friend of mine and I had a boyfriend at the time so he was not friendzoned for years. I was married so I didn't think of anyone in that way. Now that I'm unattached and we've crossed that fine line between friends and maybe more I have thought I might have feelings for him. Before now there had never been anything between us because I was married and I do not cheat therefore I wouldn't just sit there and wonder if I had feelings for him at that point. Nothing had ever happened between us so nothing ever surfaced.

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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

First off, you cheated. 

Second of all, what do you want?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Michelle86 said:


> I'm not trying to sound like a b**** but I didn't ask for comments on anything but the fact of *if it's worth pursuing*.


You could ask your husband... just saying.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Michelle86 said:


> I'm not trying to sound like a b**** but I didn't ask for comments on anything but the fact of if it's worth pursuing. With that said there is not really an age gap I'm 27 he's 30. We are both average looking. We met through work and he was dating a friend of mine and I had a boyfriend at the time so he was not friendzoned for years. I was married so I didn't think of anyone in that way. Now that I'm unattached and we've crossed that fine line between friends and maybe more I have thought I might have feelings for him. Before now there had never been anything between us because I was married and I do not cheat therefore I wouldn't just sit there and wonder if I had feelings for him at that point. Nothing had ever happened between us so nothing ever surfaced.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


Go for it.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

If this thread is not enough evidence to everyone that "man can't be friends with women"....than I don't know what is.



He's been "friends" with you cause he ALWAYS had certain level of attraction towards you. Without this, he would've NEVER been your "friend" OP.

Remember this, most man simply won't be your "friends" unless there is attraction/possibility of something more.

Do you think this is an appropriate foundation for friendship? 

Write this off as "I was ignorant/confused" and don't speak of of "best friend" thing again......

As far as the latest event. You were under influence and he made a strong move on you. Personally I wouldn't pursue this relationship. BUT if you choose to, the best advice I can give you is to wait a week or 2 and clear your head (stay away from him).....then go on a date and DO NOT DRINK. See how that goes/how you feel > take it from there.

Alcohol is messing with your perception and there is certain level of influence on your due to that as well. Clear your head, you are not thinking clearly. 

I think you simply got caught up in the moment and now taking it to extreme. 

Have you been dating others? I recommend you do that too!!!! DO NOT limit yourself to this one person.


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## Michelle86 (Jul 3, 2013)

I don't have a husband as I've said I've been divorced since sept and we were aeparated since June 2013

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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> You could ask your husband... just saying.


The OP isn't married anymore. She stated she got divorced last September, so she didn't cheat.

Situations like this are very sticky. Think this through very carefully before you do or say anything.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Michelle86 said:


> I don't have a husband as I've said I've been divorced since sept and we were aeparated since June 2013
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


Do you feel that you are over your last relationship and completely healed?

Have you been dating at all?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes said:


> The OP isn't married anymore. She stated she got divorced last September, so she didn't cheat.


Ah, I see.

I was confused because she wrote, "Yes my husband was there." 

Ok so this changes my response. If you want to go for it, then have at it.

It may work out and it may not but you will never know unless you actually give it a go.


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## Michelle86 (Jul 3, 2013)

I had not been dating because my ex is overseas and I work full time and take full time care of my son. I have absolutely no time to myself as of right now. I am fully over my ex though.

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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Michelle86 said:


> I had not been dating because my ex is overseas and I work full time and take full time care of my son. I have absolutely no time to myself as of right now. I am fully over my ex though.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


Great, in that case I think you should start getting out there and dating.

Whatever you do, DO NOT limit yourself to one guy right now.....especially "a friend" of 14 years etc, I wouldn't recommend that at all.

Heck, write that friendship off completely. But def expect him to hear back from him/further moves from him.

Be ready to deal with that, regardless what you decide, it's coming!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Do you think he has the same confused feelings, or was it just a drunk kiss that meant nothing? Has he said anything that makes you think he wants to pursue it?

Pursue it if you like. But ask yourself if this is a friendship you can live without if things go south.


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## Michelle86 (Jul 3, 2013)

He recently told me that he does have feelings for me. The friendship is something I could not live without. Therein lies the problem because I have to be absolutely sure and to do that we'd have to try.

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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Michelle86 said:


> He recently told me that he does have feelings for me. The friendship is something I could not live without. Therein lies the problem because I have to be absolutely sure and to do that we'd have to try.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


Problem is, there was no friendship to begin with. It was always him> being into you and friendly.

Regardless what you choose, your friendship is probably over now that you know what his intentions were and what the foundation of your relationship was most likely build on.


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

I think if you're asking the questions, you probably deep down know the answer. It's very risky when you try to turn a friendship into something more, but I believe the rewards may be worth it. Have you talked to him about it? If you felt something when you were drunk it probably means you would feel something when sober as well - alcohol has a funny way of removing inhibitions but it also has a way of making people honest about their deep down desires.

Also, you're going to get a lot of flack from CWIers in here. Don't give them the satisfaction of responding. In no way, shape, or form did you cheat by having a male best friend. Men and women can certainly only be friends - I'm married (although soon to be divorced) and have plenty of female friends and there are reasons why they are friends and we've never been in a relationship. Sometimes I hang out with them one-on-one because of class projects and sometimes I don't want to eat lunch alone at the cafeteria. 

No one here can judge you as a cheater because you hung out with your best friend while married. It's laughable to say so.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Question. How did you feel about the kiss? Did it do anything for you or did it feel like you kissed your brother?

The reason I ask is if you can look at your friend as someone other than a friend and see him as a partner in a relationship or maybe down the road in the future as a good husband, then what the hell, go for it.

But if you feel that his friendship is more important than anything romantic, then keep it that way.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> You could ask your husband... just saying.


I would take it verrrry slowly.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

P51Geo1980 said:


> Also, you're going to get a lot of flack from CWIers in here. Don't give them the satisfaction of responding. In no way, shape, or form did you cheat by having a male best friend. Men and women can certainly only be friends - *I'm married (although soon to be divorced)* and *have plenty of female friends *and there are reasons why they are friends and we've never been in a relationship.


Shocker

Even though I'm sure there has been plenty of people that have "single opposite sex friends" and have been successful in a marriage etc, I simply don't recommend it for ANYONE.

It's simply inappropriate and disrespectful towards a loved one (this goes for both mend and women).

In the end, not worth the risk/drama etc.


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## Michelle86 (Jul 3, 2013)

P51 I appreciate that because I feel in no way wrong for having a male friend. That's crazy people basically saying you have to ditch your friendships to have a relationship with someone else. That all boils down to trust. As for the alcohol I completely agree that it takes away inhibitions but there could be something there because I don't feel weird about the kiss at all. It crossed my mind to kiss him while sober to see if the spark is there. I ran the idea by him and he didn't seem opposed.

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## Michelle86 (Jul 3, 2013)

6301 The kiss did not feel like it was from my brother at all. That's why I'm confused because I suspected it might had that ever happened. He would be a great person to make a future with. He's already great with my son and we get along very well.

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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Op if both of you are not married, then go for it! The best relationships, I think, start out as being best friends first!


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

Michelle86 said:


> He recently told me that he does have feelings for me. The friendship is something I could not live without. Therein lies the problem because I have to be absolutely sure and to do that we'd have to try.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


I'm in the camp of not believing it's a good idea to have opposite sex friends while married and IMO this is one of the reasons why. I think that you should have been building the bonds of deep friendship with your husband and not some other guy.

To me, that is unfair to your mate. You shouldn't have close or in this case, closer friendships, with a man other than your husband. The only exceptions to that for me are if he's gay or a male relative of some kind and even then, people could cross lines.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

DoF said:


> Problem is, there was no friendship to begin with. It was always him> being into you and friendly.
> 
> Regardless what you choose, your friendship is probably over now that you know what his intentions were and what the foundation of your relationship was most likely build on.


You and I are on the same page, brother. I don't know of a guy who would prefer to be friends with a woman unless he's harboring some feelings for her.

My W had a similar relationship to a guy when we first started dating. She said they were just friends. I laughed. I said once this guy figures out that we are serious and going to get married, he'll go away. Do you know why, because any chance he thought he had just went out the window. Sure enough, once he realized that my now W was off the table as an option, he began to back away and within 6 months they pretty much lost all contact.

As I said to my W at the time, he was never really your friend but rather a guy who was waiting for the right opportunity to demonstrate his true feelings for you. He obviously had serious trepidation about her reciprocation because they had been friends for 3 or 4 years.


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## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

Michelle86 said:


> It crossed my mind to kiss him while sober to see if the spark is there. I ran the idea by him and he didn't seem opposed.


Oh, for pete's sake, just jump him already. Life is too short to let the fear of losing something nice keep you from pursuing something awesome.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Mostlycontent said:


> You and I are on the same page, brother. I don't know of a guy who would prefer to be friends with a woman unless he's harboring some feelings for her.
> 
> My W had a similar relationship to a guy when we first started dating. She said they were just friends. I laughed. I said once this guy figures out that we are serious and going to get married, he'll go away. Do you know why, because any chance he thought he had just went out the window. Sure enough, once he realized that my now W was off the table as an option, he began to back away and within 6 months they pretty much lost all contact.
> 
> As I said to my W at the time, he was never really your friend but rather a guy who was waiting for the right opportunity to demonstrate his true feelings for you. He obviously had serious trepidation about her reciprocation because they had been friends for 3 or 4 years.


Yep, all of us go through this at some point. I was able to teach my wife this lesson at 17!!!

Some women learn this in the 20s.....30s......50s....and SOME never learn it at all.


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## Michelle86 (Jul 3, 2013)

Okay apparently I had a different situation than most of you understand. Not that it matters now because I am DIVORCED but my friend was also friends with my ex as well. Hell my ex asked him here to surprise me for my birthday and always invited him for visits. When we went there we stayed at his house. My ex was always present. My friend or I never did anything other than talk or watch a movie or go somewhere to play baseball or something like that. My ex didn't care so why should anyone else. He was my friend way before I got married.

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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Michelle,

Do you know what a beta orbiter is? 

Considered this scenario. 

Your friend sensed, imagined, feared or just knew you were not interested in him that way. So he's not been able to come on to you directly or show you he has feelings for you, because he wants to be in your company, but fears your rejection. So he enters into a comfortable friendship with you, which allows him to have a safe relationship with you, and satisfies his fears of rejection. His reward is he's able to spend quality time with you, nurturing a relationship, always orbiting around your life in the background as a safe person you can depend on. Waiting till that time you'll see him differently. Ready for the right time when you need him for more. Waiting for the right time and opportunity. Always your cheerleader, confidant, companion, soft place to land. These orbiters will even enter into their own relationships and marriages, yet always making sure they keep the connection going, just in case. 

It this a person long term relationship material? I think not.

Just a thought...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just to play devil's advocate, my H doesn't hang around with other men much. He's more comfortable around women. He only wanted a daughter and, after we had her, he didn't want any more. He doted on her like crazy. He's more concerned with clothes and skin care than I am. And yes, he has a huge sex drive, so he's not gay. He had several female friends before we got married, and I actually didn't care that much, although they mostly dropped out of contact over the years.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Michelle86 said:


> Okay apparently I had a different situation than most of you understand. Not that it matters now because I am DIVORCED but my friend was also friends with my ex as well. Hell my ex asked him here to surprise me for my birthday and always invited him for visits. When we went there we stayed at his house. My ex was always present. My friend or I never did anything other than talk or watch a movie or go somewhere to play baseball or something like that. My ex didn't care so why should anyone else. He was my friend way before I got married.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


Your EX wasnt smart enough to figure out why he is your friend.

And now you know CLEARLY.



IF you and your ex husband knew this, would you both be ok with this friendships?


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

DoF said:


> Your EX wasnt smart enough to figure out why he is your friend.
> 
> And now you know CLEARLY.
> 
> ...



Why does it matter? She's divorced, so it's irrelevant to her situation


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

DoF said:


> Your EX wasnt smart enough to figure out why he is your friend.
> 
> And now you know CLEARLY.
> 
> ...


Stop thread jacking with "what if" games and red herrings. She didn't cheat. His feelings while they were married isn't the issue at hand. She's asking a question about what to do...now....after she divorced her CHEATING husband....who left her for someone else .

Stay on topic and stop thread jacking. If this issue of male and female friendship while married is so near and dear to your heart, start your own thread, dude.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Michelle86 (Jul 3, 2013)

Thank you! I don't get why anyone thinks it's relevant.

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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

You are single and so is he so I don't see the problem  

If you are worried about losing his friendship... don't be. A friendship like this can last if you guys are careful just to test the waters on a date or even a few and say no hard feelings if it isn't romantic like you thought.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

anchorwatch said:


> Michelle,
> 
> Do you know what a beta orbiter is?
> 
> ...



unfair and un-necessarily judgmental. Lot of assumptions. from the way yu post he has no other option. 

yes, I know about beta orbiters. He probably isn't one. At he best 50-50. 14 years is a lng time. Could be a genuine friendship turning into more


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It's one thing to have opposite sex friends. It's quite another to have an opposite sex "best friend" when you're married; guaranteed that takes away from the marriage.

As for now, give it a shot, because even if it doesn't work there may come day when he's married and his wife won't put up with this "friendship" so there's a chance you'll lose him eventually anyway. Might as well give it a shot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> unfair and un-necessarily judgmental. Lot of assumptions. from the way yu post he has no other option.
> 
> yes, I know about beta orbiters. He probably isn't one. At he best 50-50. 14 years is a lng time. Could be a genuine friendship turning into more


Now, now... I don't know him or her, and can't presume or assume this to be true at all. I only present this as another scenario for the OP's thoughts. 

You surprise me sir? If that wasn't clear, I'll apologise to the OP.


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