# How Do You Tell Your Wife You're Sorry



## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

Seeking insight into a guy's mind...if you fly off the handle during a argument with your wife and inside you know you either overreacted or were wrong do most men apologize straight out or is it common to sulk, seek space in another room in the house and then after a day or two come back and act like nothing happened?


----------



## totallywarped (Jan 26, 2013)

not a guy but had to respond bc I am guilty of blowing up (usually a text fight) and trying to act as if nothing happened after about 2 days of mutual silence. Sometimes I just can't admit I was wrong (in fact I'll justify my own actions to everyone who'll listen) and sometimes I'm convinced I was right but I'm just sick of fighting. Sometimes he won't let it slide and demands an apology. You don't have to allow him to sweep it under the rug if you're deeply hurt call him on it and hold him accountable.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

If she didn't do anything to piss me off or if her combined actions are justified and she deserves an apology once I've calmed down I normally own up and just come right out and say I'm sorry.


----------



## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

It is a trait of a well adjusted and secure person that they can own up to something they have done wrong and ask for forgiveness.

I can be humble and yet also project the sense that I am confident in myself. Brooding, sulking, and pretending that nothing happened are just some of the ways that people avoid true intimacy, because, let's be honest, asking someone to forgive you is a very intimate thing.


----------



## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

How should a wife deal with "the silent treatment"? I've just carried on with my life under the same roof. Usually it involves something about his 24 year old son and the "punishment" in the form of the silent treatment exceeds the crime. 

In the current matter, I went inside his son's room (previously occupied by my daughter and still has some of her belongings in the closet) to see if there was anything of her's I could donate to Goodwill. 
He said he couldn't trust me. The son wasn't home, I was in and out of the room, the closet door was wide open I glanced and left in less than 2 minutes. 

The son and his girlfriend moved in this past December after their graduation and do not pay anything despite having paying jobs. The house is in my name and I pay the mortgage which makes this even more insulting to me. I even told him I was in there and for what reason (he was happy up to that point that I was clearing out stuff). I didn't think this would be an issue. 

He said he was done with the games as he couldn't trust me. I sought clarification of that statement and he said he couldn't trust me because I was snooping. I reiterated my activities and asked him how are my actions any different when his on goes into our bedroom to borrow stuff. No response to that. He said a few minutes later that he guessed he was mistaken but it was in a defensive, I should have asked him if I was in there "snooping" then why would I freely tell him; however, he wasn't going to listen as he was shutting down. 

He slept in a spare room last night and apparently is tonight. No arguing today, he would speak if spoken to today; however Im shocked he is not in our room. The last time lasted 4 days and he would come home after he felt I was asleep and he left before I was up. That stint was due to my getting upset that his son wanted to remodel the bathroom where he was and I came home to it being torn apart yet neither thought as a wife and the home owner that I should be looped in. Husband demanded apology from me after I told his son I wasn't at him but did it cross their minds to involve me especially with the house being in my name and that I pay the bills. That's factual. 


When this passes I need to tell him in a direct but non-threatening way that his reaction is not acceptable--not an act of a loving spouse or a man who usually holds me tight and says that he doesn't want to lose me! 

From a man's point of view how can I get my message across yet not cause further damage if we are on the mend?


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

wifenumber2 said:


> How should a wife deal with "the silent treatment"? I've just carried on with my life under the same roof. Usually it involves something about his 24 year old son and the "punishment" in the form of the silent treatment exceeds the crime.
> 
> In the current matter, I went inside his son's room (previously occupied by my daughter and still has some of her belongings in the closet) to see if there was anything of her's I could donate to Goodwill.
> He said he couldn't trust me. The son wasn't home, I was in and out of the room, the closet door was wide open I glanced and left in less than 2 minutes.
> ...


I'm not understanding where this "can't trust you" business is coming from. Is there some back story to this? Was there a previous trust issue, or is he paranoid? Either way, this doesn't sounds like normal behavior. There's a deeper problem here, either with the relationship, or with your husband's mental state.


----------



## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

Fozzy said:


> I'm not understanding where this "can't trust you" business is coming from. Is there some back story to this? Was there a previous trust issue, or is he paranoid? Either way, this doesn't sounds like normal behavior. There's a deeper problem here, either with the relationship, or with your husband's mental state.


*Current Issue*
The reference to trust threw me for a loop. Here's one other aspect which may or may not matter-he caught his son in a white lie over his truck keys and I was also aware of it. Note: absolutely no infidelity on my part. I have zero interest in that.

We had just come home from seeing a funny movie and both enjoyed it. I went to our room and remembered that earlier that day he complained about our new-used featherbed not working out. He said it kept him from sleeping. I took it off of our bed and got it ready for Goodwill. That got me collecting other stuff. That made him happy so he goes into our room. (Don't laugh) puts on his chastity device and calls me in and said " I'm returning the favor since you did something nice Im doing something I know you like. This always makes you smile and I like to see you smile. He puts the key on my necklace and puts my necklace on me. We hug. I share this to show you how this is about to "turn south" real fast,

Since I know he hates clutter Im working to find anything else we can donate and start looking all over the house and he sees that and thanks me for that. As he carries off the first load of stuff he commented that he wished he could borrow his son's truck. The son left it at home and was at a baseball game.

Hubby drives off, I go in the basement. I go into the son and girlfriend's (aka my daughter's old room). I take three steps in. The closet door is open. I look at her stuff. Not sure if she still wants it. I turned around and left the room with nothing--that fast. On my way out of the room I saw the truck keys but only made a mental note and didn't stop or touch them.

Hubby comes home. I tell him I saw the keys while looking for more stuff to donate from my daughter (at college for 4th year away from home). Hubby said he feels uncomfortable taking the truck since apparently he and the son had a phone call and Hubby asked the son to borrow the truck and I think he said the son said the keys weren't there. He then said he was uncomfortable about my being in the son's room. My explanation was given again. Thought we were ok. I thought this was a non-issue. 

He drops off the second load, walks past me into our room and says "Give me the key from your necklace I'm tired of playing games." He said he couldn't wear the chastity device (we both enjoy it) when there is no trust." I press for an explanation and he said that it was because I was snooping in his son's room. He proceeded to try to throw the device out ($100 bought last week). 

After I said what I said on my earlier post about what was the difference btn what I did by checking the closet for my daughter's stuff and his son going in our room to get towels and toilet paper? He said nothing. Then half-hearted said I guess I was mistaken. I left him alone. He slept in another room.

Sunday AM, we went to get my car from his business. He bought me breakfast. He went off to see his grandchildren. I hung out with my son doing errands. He spent most of the night watching sports with his son. I left them alone for bonding. I was carrying something heavy and he asked me if I needed help. I thanked him and said I've got it. Usually he would come in to watch our shows together. He's still not sleeping in our room which shocked me because he is at least talking normally.

*Past issues*
A few weeks ago, the son took a baking dish of mine without asking. I needed it. I asked my son/husband if they saw it/used it. My son mentioned he saw Hubby's son with it the weekend before. Hubby yelled at my son for "giving your mother ideas" and asked me how much it cost and he'd write me a check. I just texted the son and asked him if he had it. He did and I said no worries just bring it back when you are done.

I did not want the girlfriend living here during last Summer. Hubby said I was a prude. I said I remember being in college and what goes on when they are away from home is their business but the way I was raised I would never openly sleep with anyone I was dating at my parent's house (we might sneak). I told him that wasn't my parenting style and it puts me in a bind because if we allow it for one kid how could I say no to my daughter. Nothing else said. The son graduates in December and moves here with his GF. Hubby will see her car when we leave for work and make comments to me about "...the boy getting some."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I agree with the other poster that it takes security in oneself to be able to apologize when wrong and do it with sincerity.


----------



## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

wifenumber2 said:


> Seeking insight into a guy's mind...if you fly off the handle during a argument with your wife and inside you know you either overreacted or were wrong do most men apologize straight out or is it common to sulk, seek space in another room in the house and then after a day or two come back and act like nothing happened?


First, don't fly off the handle. If you need to in the middle of a heated discussion, tell her that you love her but you are about to loose your cool and need some air. Don't ask for permission just tell her you will be back in 15 minutes then go for a walk and leave. Come back and try to discuss again when your cooler.

If that has already happened, first get flowers then come to your wife and humbly apologize. You make it about you and what you did. None of this "I'm sorry you were upset" business (which is how my wife apologizes to me). What you did was wrong and it hurt her. You apologize for your behavior then ask her to forgive you. If she grants forgiveness she is not allowed to hold it against you any longer. If she brings it up again then you tell her but you forgave me. If she is still having trouble forgiving (to forgive means to relieve someone of a debt they owe you) then that is on her part.

Don't sweep things under the rug, those little things build up over time and you end up with a lumpy rug you trip over.

If you have a problem with anger then do something about it, get a self-help book, go to counseling, talk to a friend, and then tell your wife your working on you.


----------



## noas55 (Jun 25, 2013)

I calm down, and I hug her if possible. I apologize. Within 24 hours I get a small gift from a candy bar to a flower. It's my proverbial olive branch.
Part of this problem with my old self is why I am dealing with a separation. Controlling and anger issues.


----------



## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

wifenumber2 said:


> Seeking insight into a guy's mind...if you fly off the handle during a argument with your wife and inside you know you either overreacted or were wrong do most men apologize straight out or is it common to sulk, seek space in another room in the house and then after a day or two come back and act like nothing happened?


I don't fly off the handle in arguments and don't need to because the first thing I do is articulate her point of view and validate it. So things never get out of hand.

If she even looks the slightest bit disturbed it is a five-alarm fire to me and I get to the bottom of it right away.

When you apologize, be forthright about exactly what you did and explain why a normal person would be upset with it and that your partner is completely justified in how they feel. Then I tell her how important she is to our whole family and list the things she does for us daily. Then I call her a stupid bit*h, and it always gets a laugh out of her.


----------



## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

When I was in Nice Guy mode, I'd do the crap described in the first post. After going through the NMMNG material, I just give her a short/direct apology - "I was wrong, and I apologize for that. I'll try to do better." Done.


----------



## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

The silent treatment is over. This time, I grew a set of balls and calmly told him when he wanted "wifely duties" "do you trust me to do this?" i told him I wasnt snooping b/c if I were why would I tell him. We are not dealing with 12YO when u do occasionally snoop for drugs etc. I have nothing missing and honestly no reason to snoop. Then I said how people who love one another don't accuse one another like I was, people who love one another find better ways to manage conflict than not speaking for days and people who love one another and realize they were wrong apologize to one another. He said he was sorry. FINALLY I am sticking up for myself
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bbird1 (May 22, 2011)

wifenumber2 said:


> Seeking insight into a guy's mind...if you fly off the handle during a argument with your wife and inside you know you either overreacted or were wrong do most men apologize straight out or is it common to sulk, seek space in another room in the house and then after a day or two come back and act like nothing happened?


That depends on the man and the situation. If it was close and personal then yes some time may pass but the answer is ALWAYS say you are sorry when you are wrong, when you think you are wrong or if you think you may have been wrong. 

ALWAYS. Be it a day later, a minute later or a week later.

One more thing be sincere!


----------

