# Text email hang ups



## Link182 (May 25, 2012)

From all the reading I have done on this site I feel I know the answers I will get. But coming here and knowing I am not crazy and I am not the only one going through this really helps me, so here goes...

I have read many emails and text messages from my wife's affair and other encounters. Now being in recovery, it often occurs to me how few texts and how short they are most times I have and do receive from my wife each day. I look at the volume of emails and texts she was sending and receiving during the affair (not to mention phone calls which she almost never makes to me), and I think, am I not as exciting, do we not have that much to say to each other?

In the past she has often said, well I don't call you at work because it seems like I am bothering you, or you have your "office voice" on and I don't feel like what I have to share is important. I have tried texting her more, and calling her at least once during the day. Not so much to keep tabs on her, but more to let her know I do think about her, even though most times I put important work things on hold to spend some time with her.

She is now and always has been a poor communicator verbally. She never offers anything, it has always seemed like I had to drag things out of her. I am working on being a better listener, and being "there" in the moment when she does talk I shut up. But during the affair she seemed to have no problem spending hours on the phone, or sending voluminous emails explaining herself to the OM.

It's a sickening feeling knowing part of my wife needs that, or at least believes she needs that and trying to fill that role. I am me, not the OM and I never will be. Is it wrong to try to fill that need for her? I bounce back and forth on that one from thinking I am trying to fill a void for her, to feeling like I am trying to replace this man and the gap he filed which led to the affair.

Confused.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

That is exactly the same as my WW. When I checked her phone records, I couldn't believe the sheer volume of texts and length of the phone calls.

There were no emails as far as I know as the so and so she did for 2 1/2 years can barely turn a computer on. I do have copies of all her "sent" emails (she still does not know this as I set her Gmail account up to do this ages ago) and there were literally 4 or 5 over the entire time.

I, too, have raised it and received more or less the same response.

To be fair, the stage I am at right now I am relieved she isn't contacting me all the time but it has formed part of my own puzzlement and feeling of betrayal.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Are you 100% sure the affair or other encounters as you put it have stopped ?


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

Wish I had an explanation for you but I don't. I went thru the same thing. My STBXW would text and call the OM on her way to work, at work, on her way home, anytime she could get a word in. For years I got no communication from her and when I called her at work she always told me she was too busy to talk.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

When my wife and I were dating during that emotional high we were on the phone for hours sometimes. Before texts and emails. When you are married that all tapers off.

Your wife was on an emotional high with the OM so it was I just had lunch and I wore that blue top you like emails. and of course the I cannot wait to have you again and so on.

That emotional high has been crushed. My wifes text count went from almost 1000 a month down to 150 a month after the A was exposed.

I am doubting your wife talked about important things with the OM. Important things are real and she like the fantasy.


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## Link182 (May 25, 2012)

jh52 said:


> Are you 100% sure the affair or other encounters as you put it have stopped ?


I have access to her cell records, I have limited the account so no other phones can be added without my permission. I have access to her FB, and emails as well as spyware on her computers. I have access to all of our CC and bank records on line. Her text and calls have dropped off a cliff from 100's of texts and dozens of calls a day down to dozens of texts a week and almost no phone calls. I ask her about any numbers I don't recognize and then confirm who they belong to.

The OM lives 1500 miles away and she doesn't go anywhere without me at this point certainly not travel away from home. I have exposed the truth to his kids (in their 40's), since his wife passed away recently of Alzheimer's. His daughter who exposed the affair to me has promised to alert me to any out of town trips he goes on.

We have been in MC for 5 months and she has shown all the signs of leaving the affair behind her and remorse for what she did. I am as certain as a person can be, but in the end? There will always be doubt.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

I think it is probably that the OM is his quest to get in her pants is willing to listen to the bs. I mean we know our wives and their hangups. We know when they are being over emotional and, we know soo much about them that we can expect everything that comes out of there mouths. 
I mean then OM comes along who just listens. Tells her exactly what she wants to hear. The wife who is used to being kept in check is allowed to flourish (in both good ways and bad). Eventually the long term relationship which has matured is now facing the stress of a new flourishing relationship. One that is exciting , taboo, and has no commitments. 
Then bang DDay and the strong supports of trust and commitment of the long term marriage are blown apart. The roller coaster ride that was the A turns into a runaway thrill ride and is no longer a source of fun but now terror. 
Now she has to look back and figure out who she wants. The facade or the broken marriage. Does her guilt make her want to leave you and Go to the OM. Then you can find someone else and she can move on and not face how bad she hurt you. Does she leave the OM to hope that you take her back. To face the music and have all her sins laid before her. She will realize that she isn't the person she thought she was and have to try to find someway to make you love her again. 
Either way she knows that her life will never be the same again.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think mahike hit the nail on the head. there is an emotional high in any new relationship. 
It sound like you guys are on a good path, but its wierd that you are doing the heavy lifting in communicating /texting your fWW.

Like your wife there is a need there, so now I am the one that gets all these text from my fWW. Bores the hell out of me but this kind of additude is what got me in here so I reply as much as I can.

The trick is getting that emotional high back, its tough but it can be done......I suggest you address it at your next MC and see what the both you can to to get into a better texting relationship.

Yesterday my wife texted me to see if I could pick up some smokes on the way home and 1st replied by asking her if she was naked.....yes it was random but the point is as long as I make playfull and positive, it seeems to work.

I think there is a playfulness about it that might get your fWW to text you more. I sometime reply to her text by asking her what she wearing before I continue to text.


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