# Do you believe in true love?



## forestmaiden (Apr 19, 2014)

I have to admit that I don't... I have recently married my partner of 9 years, the father of my three children, I love him and I'm happy but he isn't my soulmate. 
My family's didn't attend my wedding and one of the reasons my mum gave was that she didn't agree with the wedding because I in her eyes don't love my partner. She said how she wants me to have what she has, a man she knows will be it for her, who loves her unconditionally, and she loves unconditionally and since I have expressed the fact I don't believe in true love thus I can't possibly love or have that sort of relationship at home. 
To me the fact I have found a man who I love spending time with, I respect and who respects me, someone who has stood by me even when he probably shouldn't of, who we have had our close calls and we have managed to work things out together. 
I believe that working at a relationship, commitment, trust and enjoyment. I am a rather cautious person and since I'm not a romantic I have to admit, I don't love him unconditionally... There are deal breakers as do all relationships have. Our life's may change, our individual dreams may change, even my vows had as long as our paths allow. My partner and I have decided that every 10 years we will write new vows to one another so our new promises that reflect our circumstances. 
I guess this long winded post is just that I feel a bit of an oddity being a happily newly married woman who doesn't believe in true love of forever but surely I'm not the only one.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Yes, I believe in True love, otherwise i would not have married. I would never be happy with just settling because we got on well etc.... I married because i knew he was the one, and yes hes my soul mate. I really do not know what i would do without him I love him inside and out.


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## forestmaiden (Apr 19, 2014)

Can you imagine others that don't believe in true love marrying? As I mentioned my family (mum, stepdad and young sisters) didn't attend mostly because their belief in true love. I am a little offbeat. I love my partner but he isn't my soulmate because in my mind that doesn't exist so it isn't settling and as mentioned I am very happy with him.


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## forestmaiden (Apr 19, 2014)

Love is a Verb: Why I Didn't Marry My One True Love
I think this article explains my feelings more that I can.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I loved my boyfriend at the age of 16....but the love I felt for him then does not compare with the love I feel for my husband 43 years later.


Just to clarify, this is the same person, right Mrs JA? 

I don't think that "true love" has to be unconditional to be "true." OP, what is your definition of "true"? How do you know that you in fact do not have true love with your H?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

There is no reason to become an conformist.

If Elizabeth discovered Mr Darcy cooking meth or doing the chamber maid, it would be a deal breaker for her too.


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## forestmaiden (Apr 19, 2014)

I'm mostly going by what my mother defined to me as true love since she was the one telling me I had married the wrong person (which she is wrong) where she was talking about her relationship how she and my stepdad love each other unconditionally was one of the quotes... Maybe that's a separate question what is your definition or what does it mean to each person... I am putting it in the same category as soul mate right now.


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## forestmaiden (Apr 19, 2014)

To me what she explain isn't real... I don't want that I want a relationship that has ups and downs, something that I can learn from, that reflects reality, just because I wont make promises that may not be kept or declarations of undying love doesn't mean that my relationship is any less fulfilling than others. The only people I know who seem to understand haven't really been in a relationship so i just thought surely there are happily married people with similar views somewhere.... Just so I didn't feel quite alone, I guess.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I use to. Today not so much.


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## kitty2013 (Dec 6, 2013)

I used to believe in true love, but not anymore.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I believe in love yes. True love and soul mates absolutely not. Thought I had that and was a lie.

People concern me when they throw around this unconditional love notion. Not really any such thing since we always have expectations of giving and receiving feelings


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

I agree with you forestmaiden true love doesn't exist, at least the kind of true love presented in Princess Bride anyway. However I do think love is necessary for a marriage. There needs to be a bond that transcends friendship. Likewise the concept of a soulmate as the perfect match bound with true love is a fiction. 

Love is an emotion that arises from a chemical bath in your brain. Many things can set it off and it can be set off by more than one person. The view that there is one and only one soulmate for a person just goes against the biology and chemistry of love. 

However I do think love is necessary for marriages to last. If you don't have a feeling of love then you don't go through withdrawal (missing/longing) when the spouse isn't around. This addiction helps bind the relationship and keep you focused on its maintenance. If love doesn't exist between spouses then they are at risk for falling in love with someone else. The new love for someone else isn't balanced by a love for the spouse and they are more likely to fullfil that new love and leave the marriage.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

forestmaiden;

so you married for practicality rather than that swoopy feeling.
nothing wrong with that in my view.

Imagine yourself 40 years from now still with your partner.
you have been through many things together, good and bad.
you have been through good times, laughing. you have been through bad times, financial stress, relationship stress.
you have hurt him many times and he has hurt you.
but you have been through all the trials and tribulations and you are still together.

My mom once told me after 60 years of marriage to my dad; "I always tell your dad; 'I don't always like you, but I will always love you!"

That is true love, whether you feel it or not. whether you have those butterfly feelings or not.

wake up one day many years from now with your partner still, and chances are you will realize what true love really is.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Tim Minchin - If I Didn't Have You - YouTube

Excerpt:

_Your love is one in a million
(One in a million)
You couldn't buy it at any price
(Can't buy love)
But of the 9.999 hundred thousand other loves
Statistically, some of them would be equally nice
(Equally nice)
Or maybe not as nice but, say, smarter than you 
Or dumber, but better at sport or tracing
I'm just saying
(I really think that I would)
Probably
(Have somebody else)_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Forestmaiden, I am sorry your mom doesn't see fit to let you make your own priorities and choices! 

Yes, I believe in true love. I also believe it is more likely to start with a practical outlook like the one you have than with the "head over heels" fantasy that many couples mistake for the real thing. 

When you can have both - practicality AND head-over-heels - you're on your way to something that grows into lifelong soulmates. Sounds as if your mom's worried that you're missing the head over heels, but I can attest from my experience with my second husband (who I married for practicality but who taught me about commitment and devotion) that feelings can develop and deepen over time as appreciation grows.


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

forestmaiden said:


> To me what she explain isn't real... I don't want that I want a relationship that has ups and downs, something that I can learn from, that reflects reality, just because I wont make promises that may not be kept or declarations of undying love doesn't mean that my relationship is any less fulfilling than others.


I think true love has all these things - I would think true love IS when you can have ups and downs, you learn from problems, you get through them and are still just as much in love. 

Fairytale romance with no problems or issues - that doesn't exist.


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## forestmaiden (Apr 19, 2014)

To the person that mentioned I got married because of practicality rather than swoops feeling... You are right and wrong. I love my partner and do believe in love. Love is a choice I choose to work on things with my partner, I choose to do things to show how I appreciate him as he does with me, Im not cold I am attracted to him, I love hanging up with him and for me our wedding was a formality a chance for us to show our family and friends who we are as a couple.... But after nine years in my heart we have been married since our first son was born 6 years ago. To me true love or soulmates leads to expectations that can never be lived up too, to say that if your partner goes you will never love again.... I'm sorry but no one truly knows that it doesn't dimish the amount you loved the supposed "true love" if you found someone else, everyone deserves to be happy. Life is unpredictable that's the joy of it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I don't believe in soulmates. But I do believe in love.

And I don't think there could be anything worse than marrying someone you don't really love.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

forestmaiden said:


> To the person that mentioned I got married because of practicality rather than swoops feeling... You are right and wrong. I love my partner and do believe in love. Love is a choice I choose to work on things with my partner, I choose to do things to show how I appreciate him as he does with me, Im not cold I am attracted to him, I love hanging up with him and for me our wedding was a formality a chance for us to show our family and friends who we are as a couple.... But after nine years in my heart we have been married since our first son was born 6 years ago. To me true love or soulmates leads to expectations that can never be lived up too, to say that if your partner goes you will never love again.... I'm sorry but no one truly knows that it doesn't dimish the amount you loved the supposed "true love" if you found someone else, everyone deserves to be happy. Life is unpredictable that's the joy of it.


"Love is a choice"? I agree

My wife and I have been together for 22 years by choice.

We married because we got along so well, we were best friends, we were already living together for 8 years, and she was more than just a gf to me. I wanted her family to accept and respect us as a couple. 


I can relate to most of your post...

Very few people find their true soulmates. I envy them... I know a few couples that seem to be soulmates.... Many people (we) just accept what we have and just 

"Love the one we're with"

Until another comes along.....

My wife and I love each other, there is just no passion... I expected too much from my wife...

I am glad we are open to develop friendships with people of the opposite sex and it isn't a deal breaker...For better or for worse...

You are right... The future is unpredictable.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Yes...I believe in true love. I believe in soul mates.
> 
> I also believe that we have free will and can change our minds.
> We can make poor choices.
> ...


Does God still make women like you? 

Many people are in love with the idea of being in love and the idea of marriage.... That works if both feel the same way and do all the things you described above....

I wanted that and worked at doing all that you described for my wife and it was never reciprocated.....I just accept it for what it is.... I am better now because I let that dream go.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I think that two people can find one another and be very happy their whole marriage but I think too many times the "love hormones" take over and we think it is a love that will last a life time. We cater to each other's needs, we are attentive to one another and then once those hormones fade away we become the person we met. Our interests go in different directions, we no longer are sharing like we were and we develop self interests. We wake up one day and look at our spouse and wonder what we ever saw in that person.

I have been married twice....first time 7 years to my highschool sweetheart who I loved very dearly and thought we'd spend the rest of our lives together only to find out he was a narcissistic cheat and when I finally woke from his manipulation I realized how poorly I had been treated.

I have now been married to my second husband for 22 years. I wanted to find someone safe, I wanted a father for my children and I was lonely and struggling financially (receiving no support from ex) and I thought I was in love. I put a huge amount of effort into this marriage always knowing something was not quite right and for many years I could not figure it out. My husband may have been safe in the sense that he wasn't running around chasing ladies like my first husband but I found that he was fantasizing about other women and hooked on porn, so much so that our intimacy was non-existent on his part. It was this and his disconnect (emotionally unavailable) that has lead me to separate emotionally from him.

After my experiences with men I have questioned if there is such a thing as true love.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

To your original question ... yes, I believe in true love.

That being said, then yes over the years it can grow old, it can get stale. You still have to work on it.

The distinction is ... if it's true love you don't HAVE to work on it, ... you WANT to work on it.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

forestmaiden said:


> To the person that mentioned I got married because of practicality rather than swoops feeling... You are right and wrong. I love my partner and do believe in love. Love is a choice I choose to work on things with my partner, I choose to do things to show how I appreciate him as he does with me, Im not cold I am attracted to him, I love hanging up with him and for me our wedding was a formality a chance for us to show our family and friends who we are as a couple.... But after nine years in my heart we have been married since our first son was born 6 years ago. To me true love or soulmates leads to expectations that can never be lived up too, to say that if your partner goes you will never love again.... I'm sorry but no one truly knows that it doesn't dimish the amount you loved the supposed "true love" if you found someone else, everyone deserves to be happy. Life is unpredictable that's the joy of it.


Hmm... and maybe what you described here *is* soulmates!?


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## texasgladiator1957 (Jul 11, 2012)

definately believe in true love and i absolutely consider my wife my soul mate and vice versa. we have been together for 25 yrs - since she was 16 shes 41 now - married just about 20 - have 3 kids and an awesome marriage. we have never cheated or broken up but we did have some rough years and still have issues from time to time but we know how to recognize them and solve them now. i adore her, i still get excited when shes on the way home or when i hear her in the morning and im already up. i lust her more now then i ever did. shes my best friend, my partner, lover, etc. 

BUT - i dont doubt that theres other women i could fall in love with and have a great relationship with. i cant see ever feeling the level of connection with someone as i do with my wife - she is the one.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Yes, I believe in true love. I think it is when you are willing to sacrifice for the other person.

_4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres._

The above is from the Bible. I think it is a good definition of true love.


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## texasgladiator1957 (Jul 11, 2012)

thats beautiful - unfortunately i am guilty of all those behaviors but i am genuinely working on them too. its difficult to relearn and reprogram what took years to instill but i always say you cannot un-know what you know and i know these things are right and loving.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

texasgladiator1957 said:


> thats beautiful - unfortunately i am guilty of all those behaviors but i am genuinely working on them too. its difficult to relearn and reprogram what took years to instill but i always say you cannot un-know what you know and i know these things are right and loving.


We are all guilty, Texas. . We are all a work in progress.


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