# Hanging on through misery?



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I came on this forum over a year ago because I was headed for divorce, which eventually happened. What has amazed me the most over the months is all the major problems that occur in relationships, like abuse, cheating, no sex, in-law problems, step children nightmares, emotional problems, EAs, and every other serious thing that can be imagined; yet, there is a desire to work it out. 

I'm curious as to what the thing is that makes people desire to hang on even though their life appears miserable, while others hit the road over minor issues.


----------



## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

Hope


----------



## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

For me, in a word, "commitment".


----------



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

For me, it's financial, it's hope, it's fear of the unknown, it's the fact that I will be a part of his life forever so I might as well at least try to work it out now. Despite the problems I post about, my overall life is great in real life. Like right now, my H is with my son doing manly things, I'm with my daughter watching a movie. It's peaceful. We are a fa mily today, who knows what kind of mood he'll be in later this week. But I'm enjoying right now. Despite the problems, for me life is okay right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

If you ever saw the movie Shallow Hal who was hypnotized into accepting women for their inner beauty rather than external, for me that is how I looked at myself before she said Divorce. I was content in our life and mostly looked past her faults. She on the other hand appears to have been looking for my faults from decades ago. 

Since then I see hers clearer now, but still love her for the hopes, dreams and commitment we share(d).

While in limboland and seperated, my hopes, dreams and commitment are fading, but I have vowed to give her time to see if she can find it again. 

Patience is my mantra.


----------



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Thanks for the comments. I thought SimplyAmorous posted too, but I guess not. Anyway, it just amazes me as to what some women will go through to keep their marriage, while others seem to throw it away so easily. I just wish i knew what made the difference. But, I guess it's just different with each individual.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Voices/experiences from the past = dysfunctional behavior and agendas that keep people stuck; the compulsion to repeat the past in order to "fix" it.

People hang onto misery to the point they make themselves sick. I guess the familiar, painful though it may be, outweighs the challenge of the unfamiliar, freeing though it may be.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Accipiter777 said:


> Hope


Thread is over
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

So, even though i thought our issues were small and could have been worked out, I suppose my x-wife had no hope or fear of the unknown; she just thought a divorce would solve all the unhappiness. 

It's odd that my kids tell me i seem happier, but they say, "mom is never in a good mood."


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

southbound said:


> Thanks for the comments. I thought SimplyAmorous posted too, but I guess not. Anyway, it just amazes me as to what some women will go through to keep their marriage, while others seem to throw it away so easily. I just wish i knew what made the difference. But, I guess it's just different with each individual.


Ha ha Southbound you caught me!! After seeing RDJ's post after mine saying it is one word....."Commitment " , I suddenly felt like a SELFISH heel and delelted it....... 

See RDJ is the type that would stick it out over the burning flames of hell :FIREdevil:, we have chatted a bit, great great man...but I am just not this type of person, I am simply not strong enough. I have a variety of deal breakers that would override my commitment .... and Yes, I NEED to be happy or I would likely be reduced to a nasty demanding whining bi**hing irritation of a wife, then he'd want rid of me! Ha ha I would do anything to leave a marriage that I was not happy in -so I would not be reduced to turning into the Wicked Witch of the West. 

I know this makes me sound AWFUL, but oh well, it is the truth- no sense trying to sugar coat it . I guess this is a hell of a testament to my husband cause I am NOT one of the more easier women to please. I am in some ways... (I don't care about $$ etc) but definitely NOT in others. 


Somes "minors" may feel like another "majors". When we are that far off in what is deeply deeply important to us, and he or she is JUST not getting it -- it just has a way of destroying it all. Of coarse we should all give it TIME & COMMUNICATION (this is where you & yours failed to connect) ....go out of our way to make it right but if it ain't working, I just don't see the point - life is too short, find another more compatable. 

THe biggest mistake any of us can make is to NOT know our other half literally inside and out before we get hitched. Me & mine had 8 yrs of discovery he knew what he was in for, I knew what I was marrying as well -to his core. 

Have you seen my New thread Sounthbound ? That for instance, would be a deal breaker for me, I couldn't be with someone who didn't give me that or appreciate the way I am. But we had that from the very beginning. Do you have any thoughts about this subject? I get a little long winded, so please excuse that if you take the time to read!  

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...parency-what-means-our-marraige-what-you.html

.


----------



## Jrock (Dec 11, 2011)

When my marriage was ending I think what kept me wanting to hang onto it was a few things. Fear of moving on,the potential of being alone the rest of my life and the factor that the vows taken actually meant something to me.


----------



## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> See RDJ is the type that would stick it out over the burning flames of hell :FIREdevil:, we have chatted a bit, great great man...but I am just not this type of person, I am simply not strong enough.



Just for the record, let me clarify something here.(maybe it can help someone)

Through all the he!! my wife and went through, I was, and still am willing to let my marriage go if necessary (although I have to admit, it took me some time to reach this point).

I just won’t be the one to throw in the towel. She was not willing to divorce me, not willing to walk away for more than a short time before coming back to keep trying. (Whatever her reason?)

To me, this meant that she did not want to end it, she wanted change. That was fine with me; I was willing to, and certainly needed to change my own behaviors. 

I had issues of my own. Anger, frustration, insecurity, and taking my “I’m the man of the house” to the extreme of “controlling”. 

This made it far too easy for her to blame all of her unhappiness on me.

Not until I changed my behaviors, learned to set and enforce mutual boundaries, and prove that I had made real and lasting changes, could she see that her unhappiness was not all due to me.

Once that blame was out of the picture, she had to look at herself, why she was unhappy with herself, and what she herself created. Then and only then, did she start to make changes of her own. 

So back to the point, I could have walked away, I did not, I made a commitment to her and myself. I simply gave her the choice to fix it or leave herself. I made it clear that I would accept either.

Is that right for everyone, does that make me weak or less than a man? I don’t know? It was just what was right for me.

I will say that it was worth the effort, although not perfect, we have a stronger, more mutual marriage than ever before.

We are happy. So it was worth the living he!! we went through.

Does that make me a great guy? I’m not sure, but thanks for your kind words about me SA. I think you’re pretty great yourself!


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

For me it's loyalty. It's a admitedly an endangered charactersitic, but one I was born with. Loyalty forever. Allegience to the one you pleged your life to and never forget.


----------



## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

southbound said:


> Thanks for the comments. I thought SimplyAmorous posted too, but I guess not. Anyway, it just amazes me as to what some women will go through to keep their marriage, while others seem to throw it away so easily. I just wish i knew what made the difference. But, I guess it's just different with each individual.


So I am remarried. The difference in between my first marriage and second is maturity, more self-awareness, and some really helpful insights like:

- forgive as you would like to be forgiven
- most times, your spouse is not PURPOSELY hurting you....they are dealing with their own issues and it's not personal
- you have just as much baggage as your spouse, it is just in a different kind of suitcase!
- if you divorce, you are likely to run into the same problems in a new relationship (this is SO true) so better to deal with your crap in the marriage
- both people need to want to change and to work on things....


----------



## antonym (Dec 6, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## antonym (Dec 6, 2011)

Good question.

Above and beyound loyalty, commitment etc, there is unique connection to the 'other'. Regardless of all the rows and tears and seemingly unforgivable transgression, there remains a tangible grain of magic in the relationship that feeds hope and faith that 'everything will work out in the end'. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't, but my approach is, it's not over, till it's over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## themightypenguin (Dec 5, 2011)

What a refreshing thread! Between RDJ and Laurae's posts there is a lot of wisdom in here. 

I'd been through my share of bad relationships before realizing that the common theme was me. Once I started taking responsibility for my own happiness and learned to set boundaries life improved immensely. 

I would say naivety has kept me in bad relationships too long.


----------

