# Need advice



## dlh.83 (May 14, 2014)

I need advice.

So my wife and I have been married since 2009. We have had a decent relationship the whole time. I have suspected my wife has been having an emotional affair with someone she works with for the last 8 months, but I could never prove it. They texted every day and on weekends. I would say on average 100-150 texts a day. They emailed each other, snap chatted each other, and talked on the phone daily. I have been suspicious for a while now and my wife and I have argued over this a lot. She insisted they are just friends. 

Then the guys wife emailed me this the other day. It is a conversation she found between my wife and the man. This was sent at 1030-11pm at night while I was going to bed, and my wife was down stairs emailing this man from her phone.

My wife-
guess what's really sad is the 13 words even made me smile...

My wife-
But this is what I can't do. I can't be the after thought you have right before bed every night so I'm still hanging on tomorrow. You take 2 mins of your day to send me 4 lines....13 words. And none of them really say anything. I suppose the "busy afternoon" was your way of providing rationale for the lack of contact. And of course u remind me to miss you, but no truth as to where your head is. And this is the 2nd email I received since 1030am when u left work today. I know it was your sons bday and I know u sent like 4 snaps. I recognize that. But I'm who u spent the morning making love to. And I'm the one who sat in your office and cried most of the morning. And this is what I am to you? 13 words after 7 hours of no contact? I don't know that you have room for me in your life honestly. I've made room for you in mine, but where do I fit in?
I'm not mad at you and I can even appreciate you being busy with your family. But where does that leave me? What am I to you, xxxx? 
Because if im the 1030 afterthought after time spent with the people you really care about, I'm not sure I can hold on. I know it's not fair to ask for more. I recognize it. But I do think I deserve better. Figure out your feelings, baby, because my heart can't take much more.
Good night. I love you.

Him-
Birthday biy was happy. Busy afternoon.
Good night babe.
Sleep good.
Miss me




The worst part about that email is she said that she spent the morning making love to him, but when I ask her about that she said it was a typo and they have never had any sexual relations. She has admitted to me that it was a deep emotional connection and she has been having an emotional affair. I told her to stop lying to me and if they did have sex then just tell the truth, but she continues to deny it. Maybe she is telling the truth, but its hard for me to see that in the email and believe her. So I am at a loss now as to what to do. She is sad, and upset over all of this. From what I know his wife is kicking him out of the house. My wife and this man are no longer working together or at the same office. She is really acting upset over this and continues to say she is sorry and wants to work things out with me. Any ideas as to what I should do? I want to believe her but at this point it is hard for me to believe anything she says. She has lied to me for months and when I asked about what is going on in the past she told me they are friends, and that I am controlling and jealous. She has made me feel like a failure and a horrible person, when all along what I suspected was true and she was the one in the wrong. She is trying to do things that she thinks may make me feel better, like unlocking her phone and letting me see if it i want. I told her I have no use to look at your phone, if something came in you would delete it before I ever knew. She has insisted that all contact has stopped between her and this guy. At the moment I kind of believe that. My biggest fear is once this dies down a little bit they will continue to contact each other and start this all over again.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Tell her you are taking her for a polygraph then see how she reacts.
You are correct I wouldn't believe anything she says either.

Put a voice activated recorder in her car.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Get a Poly. Then plan your next steps. Establish what she is saying now before you make future plans. 

Get in touch with an attorney to see your options. 

Tell her unless she is completely transparent with all things it is over with. 

I would also read up on 180 and put it to use. Sounds like you are going to need it. If she really wants to be with you its her job to work for it now not yours. 

Its your job now to protect you. Your wife at this point in time is no longer your friend. 

I am really sorry you are having to go through this. 


Clay


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

dlh.83 said:


> My wife-
> But this is what I can't do. I can't be the after thought you have right before bed every night so I'm still hanging on tomorrow. You take 2 mins of your day to send me 4 lines....13 words. And none of them really say anything. I suppose the "busy afternoon" was your way of providing rationale for the lack of contact. And of course u remind me to miss you, but no truth as to where your head is. And this is the 2nd email I received since 1030am when u left work today. I know it was your sons bday and I know u sent like 4 snaps. I recognize that*. But I'm who u spent the morning making love to. *And I'm the one who sat in your office and cried most of the morning. And this is what I am to you? 13 words after 7 hours of no contact? I don't know that you have room for me in your life honestly. I've made room for you in mine, but where do I fit in?
> I'm not mad at you and I can even appreciate you being busy with your family. But where does that leave me? What am I to you, xxxx?
> Because if im the 1030 afterthought after time spent with the people you really care about, I'm not sure I can hold on. I know it's not fair to ask for more. I recognize it. But I do think I deserve better. *Figure out your feelings, baby, because my heart can't take much more.
> ...



And you believe her WHY? Of course they've had sex. She even said it herself.

Judging by her email, your wife has got it BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD for this other man. This is the worst kind of emotional affair--the one that goes sexual. it sounds like she is in love with him. She tells him she LOVES HIM.

His response makes me think he doesn't feel as deeply as she does. And that he is married/or has a family of his own. That works in your favor (that is, if you want to stay with her and she with you) BUT...know that this affair is way more than what she is telling you.

Who is this guy? Her boss? Do you know his wife? Have you met him?

Stop telling her you found all this stuff--all she will do is lie and take it underground further.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

The only chance you have at salvaging your relationship (if you even want to) is for her to come clean and be honest. Well, sorry to say, most cheaters don't come clean and offer up honesty.

She is a liar, so get ready for a ROUGH road ahead. You can't work anything out when someone is lying to you.

And the whole thing about "making love this morning" being a typo?!?! A typo is an "e" instead of an "s." This is a complete insult to your intelligence. Please don't believe this nonsense. She is thick in the fog.

Others will be along here shortly to offer up plenty of helpful advice. I'm sorry for what you are going through.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

dlh.83 said:


> I have suspected my wife has been having an emotional affair with someone she works with for the last *8 months,* but I could never prove it.


That is almost a year-long.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

dlh.83 said:


> My biggest fear is once this dies down a little bit they will continue to contact each other and start this all over again.


And this SHOULD be your biggest fear, since that's EXACTLY what usually happens.

Weightlifter will be along shortly to tell you how to do recon and gather information if/when this affair goes underground. In the meantime, start learning about VARs (voice activated recorders), start printing and saving hard and digital copies of all her cell phone records, and get ready to EXPOSE this affair to everyone in your life that is important to you and her.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

dlh.83 said:


> The worst part about that email is she said that she spent the morning making love to him, but when I ask her about that she said it was a typo


Bullshyte. You just don't typo that.




> and they have never had any sexual relations. She has admitted to me that it was a deep emotional connection and she has been having an emotional affair. I told her to stop lying to me and if they did have sex then just tell the truth, but she continues to deny it.


Let her deny it all she wants. Even if she didn't, what she is doing is bad enough. And even if she didn't have sex with him, you know she wants to and would if they found themselves in the perfect situation.




> She is trying to do things that she thinks may make me feel better, like unlocking her phone and letting me see if it i want. I told her I have no use to look at your phone, if something came in you would delete it before I ever knew. She has insisted that all contact has stopped between her and this guy. At the moment I kind of believe that. My biggest fear is once this dies down a little bit they will continue to contact each other and start this all over again.


Well not sure I know what to tell you. If you want to try to work this out, then its going to be rough. If I were the cheater in a marriage, then one thing I would be doing if I don't want my spouse to divorce me is when not at work, my ass is home.


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

180
180
180

Get tested for STDs
File for divorce.
Show her you will leave her and its up to her to win you back.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

DLH,

If you believe the "made love to you all morning" was a typo, then I have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you.

It meant EXACTLY what is said. She was having sex with him all morning, and she is in love with him (FOG love of course).

He seems like a player type who is using your wife as a side piece while he plays happy family man.

What does your wife do that she could spend all morning with him ? Does she work with him ? Is she a SAHM ?

Do you guys have kids ? What are your ages ?


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

do you have kids? if not..... run for the hills! She is not a woman to have for wife. sorry


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

vellocet said:


> Bullshyte. You just don't typo that.


Right? Who typos "making love" or sex as an accident when their entire email supports that.

OP, wake up and see the light-you have suspected this has been going on for 8 months-EIGHT MONTHS--why on EARTH would you think she hadn't slept with him after reading the emailing saying she HAS slept with him--that his WIFE sent you, no less? 

Sheesh.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

She's lying.
Not only it was a full blown sexual affair but a very romantic one, she's hooked up in this POSOM. She just likely got dumped as the sh1t hit the fun.

I'm sorry man, I'd do you a disservice If a wouldn't say what I see here.

She started the emotional attachment before you ever notices, who knows for how long, it become visible only after she got hooked up and become physical. it happens all the time. By then she was "his" and you were at best the "hardly tolearable relative", the "friend", more likely the obstacle... the enemy. She has been gaslighting you well with the "controling" card, which always means she had a diferent agenda and interests.

Poly, full disclosure, NC letter, complete transparence, STD test, cutting of enablers, people in the know (If you consider they also betrayed your trust), etc... then she become the proactive, "useful info" seeker to make up for her selfish choices (IC, MC, books, online sources.. whatever).

Of course if she keeps stuck in this ridiculously unbeliable lie about not being physical.. well thre's nothing to save here. IMHO.

If this man wife is up to the task I'd contact her to find out whether she has more intel.

I'm so sorry man.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

She is a cheater and therefore a liar. 

You cannot believe anything she says now. 

She is upset and sorry because she got caught. 

She has no remorse. 

You are not a failure or a horrible person. You are not crazy. 

Listen and take to heart everything you read here for it is truth and it is very important that you take appropriate actions now. 

It will be tempting to rugsweep. Don't do it. She's the one that needs to work toward rebuilding trust.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

BTW, get the ohone bill online, go as long in the past as you can and highlight OM's number, the dates ,the hours. She sure deleted the real content, the fact she texted him is there anyway... unkless she's more sneaky and used more "underground" stuff.
Also... keylogger at the labtop, spyware on the phone, VARs (even she went NC with OM she can have a GF, confidant). Put yourself into stealth mode.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

dlh.83 said:


> But I'm who u spent the morning making love to.


A typo? Please. 

She's insulting your intelligence, adding insult to injury.

Forget about the poly. You have the proof.

Unless or until she comes completely clean and gives you a written timeline of the A, you should be working on your exit plan - heading straight to D. Talk to an attorney and get the ball rolling.

Keep posting.


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

Don't be her Plan B.
Meet with POSOM's wife and see if there are any other things she can provide to help you confirm a timeline.


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## dlh.83 (May 14, 2014)

barbados said:


> DLH,
> 
> If you believe the "made love to you all morning" was a typo, then I have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you.
> 
> ...


They work together, she is his supervisor.

Yes we have one child together almost 4 years old. My wife and I are both 31. He is 40 or 41.


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## dlh.83 (May 14, 2014)

CASE_Sensitive said:


> 180
> 180
> 180
> 
> ...


Sorry I am new here. What is 180?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

dlh.83 said:


> Sorry I am new here. What is 180?


Q: What is 180 and how does it work? 
A: 180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. Basically, your behavior is going to change a complete 180 degrees. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. 

So here's the list:

1) Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2) No frequent phone calls.
3) Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
4) Don't follow her/him around the house.
5) Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
6) Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
7) Don't ask for reassurances.
8) Don't buy or give gifts.
9) Don't schedule dates together.
10) Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
11) Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
12) Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
13) Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones. But stay busy.
14) When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue. No matter how much you want to!
15) If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life with out them.
16) Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available for anything. Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
17) No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
18) All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
19) Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper. Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
20) Don't be overly enthusiastic.
21) Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
22) Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. HEAR what it is that they are saying. Listen and then listen some more.
23) Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
24) Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
25) Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
26) Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
27) Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
28) Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care.
29) Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
30) Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
31) Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
32) When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If it's me and I read that, confronted her and got the same bs story from her and then her trying to turn the tables on me by making me out as a jealous person and controlling, then my next step is this.

I find a lawyer, draw up the papers and have her served at work. It will let her know that you will not play games.

When she confronts you on it, then you let her know that IF she wants the marriage to survive, then we get a polygraph test and you will have the questions you need asked and if she fails then she's gone. 

If she decides to come clean, then you as her husband have a choice if you want to continue the marriage or end it. Like you said, she might start it up later on but if she's facing a divorce and she now knows that your not playing games, she's going to think twice about continuing.

I don't but the "typo" thing. Something happened and she either has to come clean on it or you do what you need to do for yourself.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

To show what you think of her word DNA test your kid in front of her that will send a strong message.
It's time to step it up and not put up with her bs.

File and serve her at work you can always stop it.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

DLH,

Good news for you and your marriage. The truth is out. For years the Soviet Union denied sending submarines into Swedish waters. The Swedish Navy couldn't proof anything. There were all sorts of theories about fish and seals. Finally, a Soviet U-boat ran aground on the Swedish coast and could not get back to sea. Sweden had to admit that at least one intrusion had been made.

You, too, must admit that at least one intrusion has been made by OM into your beloved wife's vagina. Facing that reality is rough. But now that you know the score, you have a chance to either save your relationship or get out.

Follow Case Sensitive's advice. 180 your wife. Speak to her about nothing but your children and divorce. Divorce takes time, so it need not be what happens in the end. The threat of D will set the needle of your wife's compass spinning. Will it point to you in 7 months time? That is difficult to say.

Since your wife's heart beats faster when she sees OM and she feels arousal even before he touches her. She is in love. That love will not evaporate overnight.

Now that OM is the doghouse maybe your wife will run to join him there if you state your intention to D. Rest assured their passion is not going to provide the same rush anymore. There are too many problems. Each of them will look to the other for sympathy. One or both may conclude that the other is shallow and the love is one sided or deluded.

If your wife awakes from this lust for OM, will she insert you back into your rightful place? This is an unknown. If you conduct yourself with dignity and resolve, you will be more attractive to her. You should under no circumstances beg or court her now. If she says that she loves you. Do not reply that you love her, too.

Say nothing. Your eyes will tell her the truth.

Do not leave your home or bed.

Tell her that she is free to go to him.

Do not have sex with her if you want to know the truth.

If she harasses you, requesting R, tell her to write a timeline of everything that has gone on. Tell OMW that you are going to compare notes with her. Do not tell your wife about contact with OMW.

You may consider putting OM on Cheaterville in a simple factual post with no emotions or bitterness. OM will call your wife begging her to beg you to take it down. This will make his manhood look smaller to her.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

If you can follow the 180 to a "T" (most BS's have a hard time doing this, those that stick with it have a MUCH better outcome) your behavior will have her flummoxed. She is expecting you to react a certain way; your yelling, screaming, arguing, begging, all plays right into her little fantasy that "you drove her to this." "It's all your fault." "I need space, privacy, time to think."

Fine, she'll have all the time she needs once you are methodically doing the 180 and getting your ducks in a row -- protecting yourself legally, exposing the affair, gathering evidence.

We know you are reeling from this, but if you can do a successful 180 AND you want her back, this may be your only chance to affect your outcome. Pleading, fighting, begging, and trying to "win her back" with gifts, flowers, housework, will only drive her further towards the OM. And if you DON'T want her back, the 180 will go a long way towards helping you recover your self esteem and move forward without her.


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

You will also need to consider the fact your wife was his supervisor in a work environment. Depending on OM's wife, office gossip, etc, word might get around and both your WW and OM could potentially get fired. 

IF you are considering divorce, do it NOW while she has a job. Otherwise, you might be on the hook for alimony.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

dlh.83 said:


> They work together, she is his supervisor.
> 
> Yes we have one child together almost 4 years old. My wife and I are both 31. He is 40 or 41.


If she's not having sex with him at/during work, they're at least doing everything else affair partners do while she's at work.

Tell her she's taking a polygragh test. If she never had sex with anyone but you since you've been together, she has nothing to worry about.

When she tells you that she won't take one, and she will(because by her own admission in the text, she had sex with him), tell her that you will be contacting the HR department at her work.

Yes, she could get fired. No, you don't have to tell HR. You're just trying to get her to crack and tell you the truth.

That truth would be she made love to him that morning(at least)...


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Maybe the typo was supposed to be 'making GloveS'. They have been working on a big crochet project together.......


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

dlh.83 said:


> But I'm who u spent the morning making love to. ...Figure out your feelings, baby, because my heart can't take much more.
> Good night. I love you.


I'm who you spent the morning making coffee to? I coffee you?

Which part of calling that a typo isn't supposed to insult your intelligence? Long term physical affair here. She is doing him every day...probably on her desk, his desk, on the boardroom table, the copy machine, in her car, in his car, in the men's room, the cleaning closet, her boss's desk, on your couch, on his wife's couch, in your bed, on your kitchen counter, in your pool, in hotels on business trips, in the alley behind the bar. I'm just guessing of course, but all seem perfectly plausible to me.

Seems like you have a lot of leverage but she is dismissing it. Common practice for a cheater...deny, deny, deny. 

I would think that message alone would be enough for her company to fire both of them.

Putting that aside, if you want your wife and marriage back, the only way to get her out of the fog is to file for divorce. Get your child's DNA tested. File for full custody. get yourself tested for STD's. Pack her bags and put them in the garage. Change the locks. Notify her parents and siblings by way of forwarding the messages between them. Meet and exchange notes with the other man's wife. She seems to know a bit. Probably has been told they had sex. Give her the same advice everyone here is giving you.

IF she comes crawling back, one of them has to quit. I think it should be her. The other man's wife should insist he quit. Everyone gets squeamish when it affects income but it is the only way.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Tasorundo said:


> Maybe the typo was supposed to be 'making GloveS'. They have been working on a big crochet project together.......


:rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol:


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

DLH, sorry that you are here. Here are my observations:


She is not only having an affair but she is crazy about this guy. 

She is actually throwing herself at him, offering him anything he wants.

He is not reciprocating in the same way - he takes from her what he wants and then goes back to his family.

Of course they had sex - in his office all morning and for sure over the last 8 months. Typo indeed! How insulting.

As others have said you are now the outsider in her mind - he has replaced you.

Do not let the fact that you have a son together stop you from dumping her real fast.

You need to bring this affair crashing down around both of them. Consult the OMW - she probably has more now and will be a good source of intelligence as to what POSOM plans to do. Gather evidence like what you have got and then expose wide - friends, family and work - get his ass fired and maybe hers too for good measure (unless you rely on her income).

Protect yourself and your son - consult an attorney about custody. Separate your finances. Get tested for STD's. As a slap in her face, get your son DNA tested.

Tell her clearly what you need to even consider talking about this. Tell her you absolutely do not believe what she says and after a poly proves she is clear then she needs to actively prove she is remorseful. And you have to have the whole truth - how many, how long, where (in your bed ??) etc etc.

Plant a VAR in her car and around the house.

Ensure that POSOM is never around/has no contact with your son.

Watch your back.

Good luck.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

They were making love all morning? Unless they work in a diaper factory, we know what kind of love they were making.

Funny thing is dude is doesn't want to deal with her beyond an occasional bang. She's head over heels for him. 

Schedule a poly. You need a 180. She needs to cut off all contact. No more smart phones- she cannot be trusted. Get her an old Nokia.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

dlh.83 there is a confrontational way to know if she did something physical with him but you have to not let her deceive you with cheap excuses as "as typo error" that you, me and everyone else here knows is a lie, this kind of excuses are always given by cheaters when this kind of messages are found.

the more easy way to find the truth is with a *polygraph test*, most of the times the truth is revealed before the test, cheaters almost always crack and confess while going where the test is going to be executed.

before actually arranging the test, you can throw a bluff and tell her you already have appointed a polygraph test, ask her if she had something to confess because once the test have been taken you will not give second chances.

If she confess something like:

- Well we just kissed.
- Well we just fooled around.
- Well we just had oral.
- Well it was just once.

then tell her, *"okey I will still keep on the appointment but now I will ask if it was really just: a kiss, one oral, one time"*

and keep doing it until she confess the whole truth.

remember cheaters will normally confess first the less damaging of their actions, and in much less quantity than the real amount


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

If you didn't have kids I would have said to D ASAP and move on. Since you do, if you want to try to R then listen to the advice already given.

She MUST, however, leave the ! PERIOD ! She will NEVER come out of the fog seeing him almost every day of the week. Its even worse that he is her boss.

Like I and others have said, he is just using her for sex. She is the one "IN LOVE" (FOG).

Speak to an attorney to see if you can go after him (legally) at his job.

Was your WW still being intimate with you during this time ? Was she still saying that she loves you ?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

barbados said:


> If you didn't have kids I would have said to D ASAP and move on. Since you do, if you want to try to R then listen to the advice already given.
> 
> She MUST, however, leave the ! PERIOD ! She will NEVER come out of the fog seeing him almost every day of the week. Its even worse that he is her boss.
> 
> ...


Unless I misunderstood, SHE is the supervisor. So really, she's up sh!ts creek without a paddle, job wise. 

She cannot or will not be able to continue to work there with him. As the subordinate, they won't go after him and leave her alone.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

hmmm.. sounds like she got played...

now she is deep in a fog...

she is already getting signs from OM that this is a one sided relationship and makes me wonder what he was after job wise that she could give him...

180 is your best bet for many reasons.... will pull her out of the fog in time, give you best chance for reconciliation if done for "best interest" purposes (if you decide that is what you want), protects you from some kinds of harm...

so sorry  do not let his age intimidate you.... YOU have the leverage in this situation... OWN it...


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

Sorry you are here but if you have been reading the other stories the first thing you will notice is that the cheater always follows a script. Its very predictable human behavior…..your W did not write a note to another man like the one you posted unless they have been having sex. And it has been going on a lot longer that you think. Is your wife screwing another man mean end to the M or can you get over it? Most men would end it immediately. What do you want to do? The laws in VA will protest the W so you need as much evidence as you can get. 
1.	Talk to the OMs wife and get all her facts – she isn’t kicking him out because of an EA
2.	180 immediately –I would kick your W out – tell her to find a place to stay until you can sort out the facts – this action is to shake up, and show her you are serious 
3.	Talk to a lawyer and find out what your options are
4.	You need to separate and protect your money, if this goes to D she will get nasty, 
Stay strong its just starting……. Keep in touch here….


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How do you know they no longer work in the same office? Anything a cheater says has to be independently verified.

How do you know his wife kicked him out?

How far apart are they working now?

The reason I ask these questions is the likely hood they have taken the affair underground.

Rely on nothing she says. Everything has to be proven. She didn't turn her love light off over night. Even if he threw her under the bus.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

dlh.83 said:


> I need advice.
> 
> So my wife and I have been married since 2009. We have had a decent relationship the whole time. I have suspected my wife has been having an emotional affair with someone she works with for the last 8 months, but I could never prove it. They texted every day and on weekends. I would say on average 100-150 texts a day. They emailed each other, snap chatted each other, and talked on the phone daily. I have been suspicious for a while now and my wife and I have argued over this a lot. She insisted they are just friends.
> 
> ...


Oh, SURE it has!  She'll find a way to take this underground so you'll never know about it!!!!! Bet on it!


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

A typo? what kind of idiot does she take you for? It fits perfectly with the tone of the email, they had sex and he blew her off so she's upset. The sex was a big deal to her and needs validation from him for it. She must have very little respect for you to think you'd buy a "typo".

She is playing you, you need to assume everything she says is a lie and she is only upset because her boyfriend wasn't impressed with her bedroom skills. 

She cheated, has been for some time and odds are would jump at the chance to hook up with the OM again. Let him have her and watch her world fall apart.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

If this company is a big corporation, you may be able to get a nice settlement out of them to keep it from going public.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

you are receiving good advice.

I do hope you have a VAR on you at all times. You do not want her to accuse you of abuse.

(and get you kicked out of the house)

She is deep in love and not with you.

Have her write the timeline, get info from the POSOM's wife and file for divorce.

I do not think she will wake up out of love. Have her sign an agreement that You get custody of your child and she will pay you alimony and child support because she cheated.

So she is the supervisor. So he can sue her for sexual harassment. Really stupid to fish off the work dock.

Tell her to go live with him, she loves him and not you.

How would she feel if you had lied to her for so long and she is still lying to you. How many times did they have sex? Get that in her written timeline.

I do hope you have exposed to her family and to your family.

Good luck in your future. I do hope someday you find someone that will not cheat on you.


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

Come on... a typo? Really...?
Do you really have doubts?
She's been banging this guy for months.
File for D, have her served at work. Then see what happens


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Some resources for you...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/176962-useful-threads-resources-tam-web.html

The 180 List

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

No More Mr Nice Guy

Always verify! 

Good luck


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

This is a typo:

Hi, my *nme* is PBF.

These are not:


> *But I'm who u spent the morning making love to.*
> 
> *Good night. I love you.*


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

dlh.83 said:


> My wife-
> But this is what I can't do. I can't be the after thought you have right before bed every night so I'm still hanging on tomorrow. You take 2 mins of your day to send me 4 lines....13 words. And none of them really say anything. I suppose the "busy afternoon" was your way of providing rationale for the lack of contact. And of course u remind me to miss you, but no truth as to where your head is. And this is the 2nd email I received since 1030am when u left work today. I know it was your sons bday and I know u sent like 4 snaps. I recognize that. But I'm who u spent the morning making love to. And I'm the one who sat in your office and cried most of the morning. And this is what I am to you? 13 words after 7 hours of no contact? I don't know that you have room for me in your life honestly. I've made room for you in mine, but where do I fit in?
> I'm not mad at you and I can even appreciate you being busy with your family. But where does that leave me? What am I to you, xxxx?
> Because if im the 1030 afterthought after time spent with the people you really care about, I'm not sure I can hold on. I know it's not fair to ask for more. I recognize it. But I do think I deserve better. Figure out your feelings, baby, because my heart can't take much more.
> Good night. I love you.





dlh.83 said:


> The worst part about that email is she said that she spent the morning making love to him, but when I ask her about that she said it was a typo and they have never had any sexual relations.


I believe you are wrong, the worst part is not the "making love" (Actualy f'in like bunnies everywhere from the work place to parking lot to close cheap motels she likely pays for).
The worse is actualy the rest of her text, the waiting "more than 13 words", the hours crying at his office, the "what I am for you", the fact her family is not anywhere in the email while his (the real obstacle in her mind) get written several timeshe ), it's the anticipation... she's madly in luuurv and in lust with this guy.

BTW, better protect yourself becasue BW can also inform HR and get your wife fired and even sued. If OM manage to get a last shot in his marriage this BW might demand from him to sue your wife for sexual harrasment. WW, and you by proxi, have too much to loose here.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Sorry don't mean to be mean but where exactly is the typo in making love? 

Faking love all morning, raking laves all morning, making live all morning?

They banged, and she was so hung up on it because OM is treating like a side piece and keeping texts down to a bare minimum.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Acabado said:


> BTW, better protect yourself becasue BW can also inform HR and get your wife fired and even sued. If OM manage to get a last shot in his marriage this BW might demand from him to sue your wife for sexual harrasment. WW, and you by proxi, have too much to loose here.


Yup, if his wife came on TAM that is exactly what we would advise her to do...


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

The destructiveness of her choice is almost mind boggling...

1. Lost emotions for you
2. Gained emotions for an unknown
3. YOUR KIDS LIVES
4. Risk of being sued
5. Exposure to STD's if this was unprotected
6. Financial risk from Divorce/ Health
7. Potential loss of job
8. Collateral damage to families and friends that ALWAYS follows
9. Broken covenant
10. The pain that is coming like a tsumami to many


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Your marriage can survive infidelity. Many do. But you will have to do a lot of things 'right' to enable that. It will include, first, a list of things:
She must write him a No Contact letter that she gives YOU so YOU can approve it and then send yourself. 
She must write you out a timeline of every single interaction they have had that involved other than work.
She must hand over all her electronics - without warning her ahead of time - so you can take them to an IT guy and get all the proof downloaded and printed for your safekeeping, should you need it. You can then give them back to her.
She must find and set up MC appointments and KEEP THEM, until you're satisfied.
She must start looking for another job. If she continues to work with him, IT WILL NOT STOP. Either he goes or she goes.
She must go with you to tell her parents or siblings (whoever she's close to) what she did and ask their forgiveness.
She must read His Needs Her Needs with you and do the homework and start making changes in how she spends her time, including spending 15 hours a week with you away from child/chore/work.

If she won't do these things, you have no marriage to save.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I wonder how many men your wife will have by the time your kid starts driving.

When my kids were your kids age my old lady just started phucking around. when they started driving she was at 18 guys, by the time they went to college she was on her 20th affair.

My point is do you really think your old lady is going to affair proof her marriage if #1 you guys swept this under the rug and #2 she doesn't face what she has become?

Dude you guys have a lot of time left together...trust me don't waste it by not having the balls to show her the consequences for this kind of crap, or you will end up like me ...dealing with a serial cheater that should have been dealt with 18 years ago!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Agreed. She has to see a VERY strong front from you right now - no exceptions: "Wife, I'm willing to look at my actions in our marriage, but this affair is on YOU, so it will have to be YOU working to repair the damage. If you're not willing, then I'm not willing to stay. Let me know your decision."


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

turnera said:


> Agreed. She has to see a VERY strong front from you right now - no exceptions: "Wife, I'm willing to look at my actions in our marriage, but this affair is on YOU, so it will have to be YOU working to repair the damage. If you're not willing, then I'm not willing to stay. Let me know your decision."


WELL SAID Turnera:smthumbup:


Yes, think FAST AND FURIOUS... either drive it hard or don't drive at all...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I find it interesting how the OM replies to this heart felt letter from your wife......

The guys is like "ya what ever, good night and phuck you tomarrow"


Your chick is so being used by this POS. She is so deep in the fog, and doesn't have a clue. 

I mean your old lady doesn't even know how to be the other women!!!!!

What did she really expect from the OM? Have you asked her?


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> This is a typo:
> 
> Hi, my *nme* is PBF. These are not:





dlh.83 said:


> I know it was your sons bday and I know u sent like 4 snaps. I recognize that. *But I'm who u spent the morning making love to. And I'm the one who sat in your office and cried most of the morning.* And this is what I am to you? 13 words after 7 hours of no contact?





dlh.83 said:


> The worst part about that email is she said that she spent the morning making love to him, but when I ask her about that she said it was a typo and they have never had any sexual relations.


Ask her what that was supposed to say. 

In context she’s complaining about not getting enough attention from the OM after what she had done for him. 

What she had done for him? 

She stated that she sat in his office crying most of the morning. Why did she do that? Did they have a special project?

OM is who she “spent the morning making love to.” Again, what was it supposed to say? "Making coffee for" instead of "making love to?"


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Graywolf2 said:


> Ask her what that was supposed to say.
> 
> In context she’s complaining about not getting enough attention from the OM after what she had done for him.
> 
> ...


get ready for gaslighting..


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Sorry I thought he was the boss.
Yes his wife could potentially sue the company and her being his superior, would be fired.
Your wife better wake up to that fact and in my opinion, you get a lawyer asap.
Protect you and your kid.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Graywolf2 said:


> OM is who she “spent the morning making love to.” Again, what was it supposed to say? "Making coffee for" instead of "making love to?"


"We spent the last 8 months making love" would have been closer to the truth. So maybe _*that*_ was the typo.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I would meet up with his wife and compare notes.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

In words of Kenny Rogers: "You need to know when to hold them, no when to fold them... Know when to walk away, Know when to run.)

Fold. Run.

She is not unfaithful but she has zero respect for you. Typo my arse.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

1. Get tested for STD's
2. I am not a fan of polygraphs, I think they are a waste of money and time. Some will say you might get a parking lot confession. If you go this route, then do not let her know you are taking her.
3. 180 - hard
4. Lawyer up. Learn your options and don't inform your wife that you are doing this.
5. Typically I would say put the dude on Cheaterville, right now I would hold off on exposure till you figure out whether you want to divorce her or not. The dude's wife already knows. If you divorce you want your wife to be employed.
6. Don't believe a word out of her mouth. She is lying. She had sex with this guy several times. There was no typo. 
7. Don't say much to her. 
8. Get your finances in order.


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

waylan said:


> In words of Kenny Rogers: "You need to know when to hold them, no when to fold them... Know when to walk away, Know when to run.)
> 
> Fold. Run.
> 
> *She is not unfaithful *but she has zero respect for you. Typo my arse.


Have we been reading the same thread? :scratchhead:
I agree with the second part but it's quite obvious that she is unfaithful


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

waylan said:


> In words of Kenny Rogers: "You need to know when to hold them, no when to fold them... Know when to walk away, Know when to run.)
> 
> Fold. Run.
> 
> She is not unfaithful but she has zero respect for you. Typo my arse.


Hey!! We found the typo 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TiredFamilyGuy (Jan 18, 2014)

What Thorburn said.

Also, typo my ass.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Turin74 (Apr 11, 2014)

Dlh, let me tell you a story.
A guy (let’s call him John) was long suspecting his wife is cheating on him. There were a lot of messaging, phone calls, etc . going for many months. He used to confine this only to his diary where John used to write that he doesn’t know for sure if she’s cheating and this is killing him.
One day he felt brave enough to hire a PI to follow his wife. John instructed the PI to send to him constant comms (messages and photos) while John is sitting home with his diary. So:
PI: your wife is meeting an unknown male in the cafe. They are having coffee, laughing and holding hands 
John (to his diary): Still don’t know for sure and this is killing me…
PI: your wife is in the car with unknown male. They are kissing.
John (to his diary): Still don’t know for sure and this is killing me…
PI: your wife and unknown male proceed to the nearby motel and hire the room. I’m watching them through the window
John (to his diary): Still don’t know for sure and this is killing me…
PI: your wife and unknown male take each other clothes off while kissing in front of a bed. Then they switch off the lights. Surveillance lost.
John (to his diary, after 5 minutes pause): Still don’t know for sure and this is killing me…


I hope it is clear where am I going with this...


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Oh and let me point something else out to you. Notice what happened when she claimed typo? She used "u" in her specific comments. Did you notice what she typed out when she said good night?
"I Love You."
Now, did you look at any of her "friends" texts? I bet you'll see permutations of text speech like "Luv," "Luv U," "I Luv u2" etc. Funny how proper spelling appears when you mean it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

:rofl:


PhillyGuy13 said:


> Hey!! We found the typo
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:lol::rofl::lol::rofl:

:smthumbupG


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

DLH

I know a lot of advice is being thrown at you right now.

Stay calm.

All that you can control right now is you. 

We all have felt like our world was crashing down around us and our families were being destroyed.

But tbh the world is not ending.

So read all the comments and advice being sent your way.

Eat, drink fluids and step back from your marriage.

You know the following to be true:
Your wife is a liar.
Your wife is a cheater.
Your wife is in love with the OM.
The OM does not love your wife.

You have plenty of time to decide what to do and how to do it.

Us that time to toughen up, secure your finances and get good legal advice and counseling.

I like the idea of a polygraph but do not tell your wife in advance.

Get a var in her car asap.

And let us know what type of phone she is using.

Keep posting.

HM


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Turin74 said:


> Dlh, let me tell you a story.
> A guy (let’s call him John) was long suspecting his wife is cheating on him. There were a lot of messaging, phone calls, etc . going for many months. He used to confine this only to his diary where John used to write that he doesn’t know for sure if she’s cheating and this is killing him.
> One day he felt brave enough to hire a PI to follow his wife. John instructed the PI to send to him constant comms (messages and photos) while John is sitting home with his diary. So:
> PI: your wife is meeting an unknown male in the cafe. They are having coffee, laughing and holding hands
> ...


I bet they had the sex.


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## Jambri (Mar 19, 2013)

She had sexual intercourse with this guy and she loves him. She checked out on you long ago and now you are nothing but a support beam. I would have contacted a divorce lawyer the minute I read “spent the morning making love to.” But I guess that's because I have no desire to be a willing cuckold.

It's fascinating to me that so many men still have a desire to be with their wives after they have bedded other men.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What I find fascinating is other men wanting the husbands sloppy second by being with a married women!

Why in the hell would a guy bang a married chick who is still banging her husband?

Maybe its just me?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Jambri said:


> It's fascinating to me that so many men still have a desire to be with their wives after they have bedded other men.


Because it gets cold at night that and it hard to find a good belly warmer.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

dlh.83 said:


> I need advice.
> 
> So my wife and I have been married since 2009. We have had a decent relationship the whole time. I have suspected my wife has been having an emotional affair with someone she works with for the last 8 months, but I could never prove it. They texted every day and on weekends. I would say on average 100-150 texts a day. They emailed each other, snap chatted each other, and talked on the phone daily. I have been suspicious for a while now and my wife and I have argued over this a lot. She insisted they are just friends.
> 
> ...


Look you know the truth, she can only lie if you allow it. She wrote what she did. 

She needs to stay married to avoid issues at work. 

Go see an attorney and at least get information. Tell your wife that you have seen an attorney and are planning to file under her A. Tell her she will be served at work and OM will be named.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Hmmmmm........that's a new one. Making love is a typo. Just when you think you've seen it all, there's always more that will surprise you here in this forum.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Look she had physical relations with this guy---somewhere, she is lying if she says anything to the contrary----AS PART OF EVEN CONSIDERING R---SHE MUST TAKE AND PASS A POLY

I don't know what you want as to your future----the child, must be considered----the amount of misery that will show up in your home, is gonna be tuff enuff as it is

I know one thing for certain---whichever way you go----you CAN NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE TREAT LIGHTLY AND RUG SWEEP WHAT SHE HAS DONE-----this needs to be dealt with harshly for now---so she understands this whole matter is deadly serious

You need to go dark on her----if you are allowing her to stay in the home---she needs to be kicked out of the marital bedroom, put her in a small room somewhere, with all her clothes and cosmetics, if she doesn't like it, tell her she can leave, and you should in no way have any physical contact with her----if you weaken, it is like her saying I'm sorry makes up for the nuclear winter she brought down on all those around her

Take all marital finances, put them in an acct with only your name on it----cancel her CC's----and tell her that no matter what she is now responsible to pay half of each and every bill, for anything pertaining to the mge each and every month

There must be ACCOUNTABILITY/REMORSE------her saying I'm Sorry----MEANS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING----what is she sorry for, getting caught----the words I'm sorry, will not bring back your peace of mind, they will not bring back the carefree days you once had, they will not undo the terrible future that now awaits your child-----I'M SORRY MEANS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

Do what you have to do---but if you stay make sure she knows that you are giving her the greatest gift she will ever get---A SECOND CHANCE


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

the guy said:


> Why in the hell would a guy bang a married chick who is still banging her husband?


Easy sex, no strings attached, less likely to have STDs, attraction, etc.


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

All of this advice may be more than overwhelming and more than you are ready for. It is almost all entirely spot on, but still...hard to take and harder to implement.

One "easy" thing to NOT do:

Do NOT have sex with her, protected or unprotected until you know everything and believe SHE is committed to reconciliation. In many places sex constitutes reconciliation according to the legal system. It might make a difference in division of assets if you do divorce. Affairs don't frankly factor in to custody in most cases but see below for what does.

One "easy" thing to start doing:

If you want custody of your child (like more than 30%...which is 2 nights a week), start keeping a journal. This isn't about your wife. It is about you. Document what you do as a father. If you wake the child and get your child ready for preschool every day, write it down...every day. If you don't do these things, start..and do them from now on. Pack snacks/meals for daycare, change out outfits in the travel bag, go see your child on your lunch break, make meals at home, take your child on dates, read, give baths at night, tell stories, play games, get involved at preschool, investigate kindergartens, meet with potential teachers, be the one to take your child to the doctor and dentist, take your child to swimming lessons (or dance or karate or whatever), watch TV with your child...know what he/she likes, be the one to sign permission slips and activity registration forms...in short be a kick-butt dad. if you are already then you just need to start documenting it. If you have been lackluster, this is a fabulous place to pour all your energy. It doesn't mean you are getting divorced but it does mean you are taking care of what is most important and keeping track of it.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

It sounds like you really do want the marriage to work out and that is a good thing. There are, however, steps that need to be taken for the relationship to be healed. Have you contacted a counselor yet? Do you guys have a church that you are affiliated with? There are a couple books I recommend: _Love Must Be Tough: New Hope For Marriages in Crisis_ by Dr. James Dobson and _Unfaithful: Hope and Healing After Infidelity_ by David and Mona Shriver. There is hope. I work for a Marriage & Family Ministry and have seen marriages made whole when the couple commits to it. If you would like some other recommendations send me a private message. My prayers are with you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Easy sex, no strings attached, less likely to have STDs, attraction, etc.


Ya I know that and I've been here long enough to get it.

By point was...and as rare as this might be the young strange at the club just might be be getting sloppy second...thats all! 

I mean this can go boths ways when a husband bangs his wife then goes to work and coworker blows him.

Its just so often that the betrayed is labeled a cuckold or the one getting sloppy seconds when this may not always bee the case...it the AP that gets sloppy second and sure that is far a few between but I'm just saying.


Did I just threadjack again?


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

Naa...no threadjack. The OP hasn't written anything in quite a while. I would guess gone forever or riding the merry-go-round for a few turns.


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