# Commands: Is There a Better Way to Communicate?



## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

Source: Breakthrough Parenting - Classes, Community and Advice - Commands: Is There a Better Way to Communicate?

*by Jayne A. Major, Ph.D.*

Dad is following 7-year-old Kenny to the shower. Kenny is dragging his towel on the carpet. Dad says, “Pick up your towel!” Kenny turns around and sees that the towel is on the floor. He picks it up and walks to the bathroom.

Is there anything wrong with this exchange? Actually, there is. If you stop and think about Dad’s parenting style maybe you could figure it out. Is he being authoritarian, permissive or a breakthrough parent? How would you improve on dad’s communication skills?

You aren’t sure? Well, let’s look at the situation more carefully. If you believe the adage – when people know better they do better – let’s apply it here. What is wrong with dragging a bath towel on the floor? It gets dirty. People like to dry off with a clean towel. It’s more hygienic that way.

Dad uses commands to structure his son’s behavior. “Stop teasing the dog.” “Put your toys away.” “Take your bath.” “Do your homework.” “Turnoff the TV.” “Do this – don’t do that!” Maybe there are a thousand or more commands that parents use to guide their children, but commands are the hallmark of the authoritarian parent. Such parents make orders and their child is expected to do as they have been commanded. The subordinate (in our case – Kenny) isn’t expected to do any thinking for himself. Dad just tells him what to do.

What if dad changed his communication style to statement sentences? What difference would that make? “Kenny, your towel is dragging on the floor.” Dad states a fact. Once Kenny’s awareness is stimulated he can choose himself to either pick up the towel or continue dragging it.

If he solves the problem by picking it up – Dad might say good choice or nothing because Kenny solved the problem and doesn’t need reinforcement.

If Kenny looks perplexed, like “What is the big deal if I drag my towel on the floor?” Dad might say, “I don’t think you would want to dry off with a dirty towel after you get clean in the shower.” Now Kenny has more information than he had. He can choose himself to pick up his towel.

If you avoid doing children’s thinking for them, they are more likely to increase their critical thinking skills and their IQ. When parents expect children to analyze information and come to a reasonable and rational solution to problems, you are likely to be surprised at how many times they will do it.

By not using commands continuously – you can save them for when they will have the greatest impact. Stop! No! Don’t do that! These commands have a special meaning – especially when a child is on a perilous path.In these cases after the urgency stops, explain why you ordered them the way you did – so that they can understand why – which further develops their thinking skills.

Jayne A. Major, Ph.D.


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

Great tips.


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## jaynemajor (Sep 6, 2008)

*Re: The Parenting Forums*

Hi Chris, 

I am glad that you found my article on the dad who uses commands to order his children around. I would love it if you would find a way to include my new website Breakthrough Parenting - Classes, Community and Advice - Breakthrough Parenting Online in the article. At this site is 25 years of experience in developing a modern curriculum for parent education called Breakthrough Parenting: Moving your Family from Struggle to Cooperation. There may be other places where you could let parents know about this fantastic resource. Please join as a free member and if you would like a fabulous education in raising children, take out a premium membership.
For the chidlren,

Jayne Major, Ph.D.


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

*Re: The Parenting Forums*



jaynemajor said:


> I would love it if you would find a way to include my new website Breakthrough Parenting - Classes, Community and Advice - Breakthrough Parenting Online in the article.


Thanks for stopping by Jane! I made sure to link to the site from the top of the post. You should also put a link to your site in your signature if you post here again, as it could help people find it. I promoted it on StumbleUpon so you should see some traffic from there as well. PM me if you want to exchange links or something...


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

this works in all phases.

I coach 2 soccer teams, 1 is 12 year old girls, the other is a 6 year old Co-ed team.

I have to coach them both very different. My 6 year olds I make the practices fun and exciting, we play different skill games so tehy have no idea they are learning soccer, they are just having fun. I've watch other coaches try and teach the young ones like 12 year olds, or like older kids, and be authoritarian or military like. Last year 1 coach was so mean, the rest of the soccer team stopped showing up, he was very nasty to his own daughter, and many parents were turned off by it, including me who taught my children ont he field next to them, he was removed from coaching anymore.

But for my 12 year olds, I have to be more authoritive as a coach, BUT I refer to them all as "ladies" and give them respect, I say please and I give positive re-enforcement. I have 1 girl who is very short and is ahving a hard time, so to boost her self confidence I tell her that it is "not the size of the dog in the fight, it is the size of the fight in the dog" that matters.

there is a fine line to being nice and boosting self confidence, and to being mean, you ahve to adjust with each child.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

until I found loveandlogic.com I thought I was going to sell my children cheaply to the next wandering gypsy. Things have gotten better!


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