# I'm afraid I'll say something to ruin the progress we've made



## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

I need some wisdom and words of encouragement at the moment. My husband has always been LD. I've been HD for most of my life (not quite as much since menopause but still relatively so). I gave up initiating sex about 15 years ago (due to rejection and what seemed to be his preference) and we've been having sex 0-2 times per month for 15 years. (By the way, I've only said I'm not in the mood to him maybe twice ever, and even then I said a quickie would be fine.) I've learned to take care of myself and mostly just shut off that part of myself, just focusing on children, work, hobbies, etc.. Also, I'm a touchy-feely person and he's not, so I just hug and cuddle with my kids a lot (which won't be possible forever).

Recently my husband surprised me and asked me if I would initiate sex about once per week. I was thrilled and it was a great improvement, but then I started getting too greedy and trying to initiative twice a week and at those times have been getting rejected. On some days now I'm flying high but other days I feel very sad. It was almost easier for me before when I had accepted that we were mostly just 'roommates'. When we had sex it was relatively short but gentle and nice, usually in the dark and happened when I was pretty sleepy late at night. 

Since he opened the door a bit, I've been getting my hopes up again. I've been trying to make it a bit more adventurous, suggesting new rooms or new positions. He seems willing to go along, but I get the feeling he thinks it's a bit odd of me, and I have to introduce any changes very slowly or it makes him nervous.

I feel like I should be happy because this is the most sex we've had in 15 years, and half the time I am, but it is having the side effect of making me want it more (which is frustrating) and making me think more about what I've been missing.

I'm very much afraid I'm going to say or do something to break the spell and ruin our progress. I know that if I showed my sadness or said anything, it would make the situation worse not better (I learned that 15+ years ago). I've read through many threads on this forum, and I've never seen an HD wife say that telling her H she wants more sex has helped.

He is a very nice and good person, and does so many things for me, but he is not affectionate. The only time he ever touches me is the 1-2 times a month during sex and he doesn't give hugs or kisses or compliments or say he loves me. I think he does love me, at least as his best friend (but mostly without passion), and we don't argue. I love him, and wouldn't want to leave, but it will be pretty lonely for me when the kids leave home.

This 'new and improved' situation is great at times, but it is making feel like I'm an emotional rollercoaster. I'm afraid it's going to end by my losing patience one day and saying something to put pressure on him or tell him I want more. I think I will bring that up a few months from now, but I think it would be smarter for the next couple months to just show happiness and enthusiasm with the progress we've made so far. Eventually I want to bring up low testosterone testing, but again, I think I'd better hold off for a few months while we try to rebuild some closeness.

I would be very grateful for any words or mantras that I could concentrate on or comfort myself with while I try to remain patient and grateful for what I have.


----------



## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

What I would suggest is not talking about it but showing it. Be affectionate with him and after awhile, you can say I'd love it if you would initiate that too. You could make a game of it. Ask him to initiate and come up with a "scenario", then your turn. Slowly introduce things and be patient. Most men are going to be willing to do things their wives are into. If you have to be a little more vocal and appear excited when he does what you like, he's more likely to do it again. Relax, have fun and enjoy!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

If your husband is anything like me, he will find that everything you do together as a couple is heightened and more satisfying if you are sharing yourselves and focused on your partner. We are about another year from the empty nest and I had to convince my wife that we were headed for disaster. I never threatened to leave but she knows that I won't ever fear the uncertainty of the future and that no one should settle for "I love you but I am not in love with you". 

We are in a stage where we are both trying but I sense the same need you do to be patient. We make steps forward and then sometimes back. Things were going great, I was sending provocative texts and we were connecting and touching much more. I had to travel starting on Valentines Day so I planned a morning rendezvous including roses illuminated by flickering candlelight. I had thought of everything except that 5:00 in the morning was apparently too early and led to the Valentines Day massacre. Two steps forward, one back. It feels so delicate and like I am being asked to be more intuitive than I like. "Will I say something wrong" rings a bell with me also but we know that communication is the answer and shrinking from it due to the risks will hold us back.

Continue to encourage him and make him feel like the center of the universe when you love him. Any man would want more of that. We have precious few opportunities to exude masculinity in today's world and loving our spouse is one of them. The best one.


----------



## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

Thanks to both of you for the suggestions. I really like making a mantra out of 'make him feel like the center of the universe since any man would want more of that'. Just thinking this phrase to myself is helping me remain focused on giving him pleasure in the present moment instead of thinking about the past, worrying about the future, feeling sorry for myself, or saying something to pressure him.


----------



## ToriTorrey (Sep 5, 2012)

Most men are going to be willing to do things their wives are into.


----------



## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

Trenton said:


> Hi Kari, you posted in another thread I wrote on and I was interested to read your story. Where are you guys now since March? Sorry I'm reading this late in the game!


Well, I'm still on the rollercoaster. For several months I was making it worse for myself by trying too hard. I was making an effort to wear nicer clothes (e.g. dresses), curl my hair, put on more makeup (including foundation, mascara). But when I did that, it usually would make no difference at all to him. He usually wouldn't notice or he might compliment a new outfit, but no sexual interest. I'd look in the mirror and think I look pretty hot for my age, and think 'why doesn't he want to tap that?'. Now I've stopped this mostly, don't bother with foundation, don't wear dresses. (Wearing dresses really makes me crave sex for some reason.) 

I found out through looking at old blood test results that he does have low total T. I finally got up the guts to talk to him about maybe getting treated and he refused to make a special trip to the doc, but will discuss it in a few months at his physical. 

I've had 3 discussions with him, and feel I can't bring it up again for a long, long time. When I talk to him about anything about the relationship, even if I try to stay upbeat and not emotional, he acts as if I just shot him in the arm with a high dose of adrenaline or as if a random shooter started spraying bullets in the front room window. 

He says I should be patient. He is really trying to step it up and having sex more often. He doesn't understand why I'm not completely satisfied with that, e.g. he is trying for twice a week, better than we've done in 15 years.

I certainly am happy about the progress and his efforts to improve and to make me happy. However, it is still obvious he doesn't really want to do it > once per week. I end up doing 90% of the 'work' in sex until the final 1 minute. It is always on his schedule which is 12:30 or 1 a.m. in bed, and never when I'd really prefer (daytime, often not in the bedroom). He comes to bed 1-2 hours after me, and it never seems like he makes any effort to come to bed early to be with me. He almost never flirts, but when he has said something flirty, I get my hopes up and then he doesn't make any moves for several days. He seems to want me to initiate, but then turns me down 50% of the time. When I ask him if he wants to fool around or go straight to bed, he often says 'I don't know'. He is pretty passionate if we do it with at least a week in between, but if we do it more frequently than that, he seems not very into it or passionate.

He won't go out on a 'date' with me, we haven't been out alone together in about 15 years.

I understand why he thinks I should just be happy with the progress and his greatly improved efforts, and I feel ungrateful for still wanting more. But I want to be able to flirt or wear sexy lingerie without him acting really uncomfortable and pressured, want him to act like he really wants to rip my clothes off, and go on romantic getaways. I feel like none of those things will ever happen.

I wish there was a 'MMSL' or 'MAP' that works for women. By the way, I'm not a 'mrs nice gal', I give him lots of space and time alone (all day), and if I spend a lot of time on other hobbies, it doesn't have any effect on his interest level. How can I 'woman up' or is there any such concept?


----------



## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

Kari--Glad you posted an update. The rollercoaster? I jumped into your thread in March and was on an upswing, now...not so much. Your husband's request for patience kind of struck me. I have been keeping a journal for quite some time and it is interesting to be able to add some perspective to the ebbs and flows. It does not make it easier to be "patient" however. 



> 'why doesn't he want to tap that?'


Go figure--LMAO

Whatever the challenges, the one thing that seems to strengthen me is always seeking ways to improve myself. It is the only thing I can control. This is the MAP and it is personally empowering. It sounds like you find it hard to sustain making yourself up and dressing like a beautiful woman. I find it hard to sustain all of the high touch/conversation/emotional support/encouragement connections. Two sides of the same coin I guess. What's funny to me is when we are being intimate three times a week, all of these things just flow out of me like a wellspring. I am two steps ahead of her, anticipating, supporting, smoothing things out, loving her. It is so close you can see it, but almost impossibly elusive. One thing that is valuable for us is making sure we have 15 hours of couple time each week. That seems to be a habit that took root and isn't all on me. 



> I just shot him in the arm with a high dose of adrenaline or as if a random shooter started spraying bullets in the front room window.


It amazes me how delicate these conversations are. These matters of the heart do pass through lots of filters and and touch us deeply. Your original post mused about ruining progress and I know what you mean. My wife would rather die than discuss these issues. Communication is usually a key, but the more you talk, the more chance you have of letting a stinger go and making a mess. I have at least one of those barbs still stuck in there and she might as well.



> How can I 'woman up' or is there any such concept?


I think that might be being the best Kari you know how to be. Maybe dream a bit, search inside yourself and find the best Kari you can even imagine.

Good luck and hang in there.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This advice will produce a very bad result. Forcing affection on someone won't make them more sexual. Or generally more loving toward you. 




phantomfan said:


> What I would suggest is not talking about it but showing it. Be affectionate with him and after awhile, you can say I'd love it if you would initiate that too. You could make a game of it. Ask him to initiate and come up with a "scenario", then your turn. Slowly introduce things and be patient. Most men are going to be willing to do things their wives are into. If you have to be a little more vocal and appear excited when he does what you like, he's more likely to do it again. Relax, have fun and enjoy!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dr.D (Mar 2, 2012)

Kari,

I'm not gonna pull any punches. Your situation sucks. I'm really sorry for what you are going through. I can relate somewhat to your situation, but I think it is much harder probably for refused wives than husbands. 

I found myself questioning things a lot when my wife quit refusing so much. It's been a few months and when she does refuse I find it very hard to not go back to my old feelings of rejection and resentment and worry that progress made will only regress. It's normal. At least that is what my counselor told me


----------



## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

Cre8ify said:


> Whatever the challenges, the one thing that seems to strengthen me is always seeking ways to improve myself. It is the only thing I can control.


Yes you are right about this.



Cre8ify said:


> It sounds like you find it hard to sustain making yourself up and dressing like a beautiful woman.


I have trouble sustaining the dressing up because it makes me feel REALLY in the mood for sex. For example, I can't wear tight jeans because the tightness makes me want to have sex and then just get frustrated. So I'm back to mostly wearing 'mom pants' with elastic waists, bleah. When I look great with best clothes and makeup, every time I look in the mirror I think "wow I look pretty hot, why doesn't he seem to even notice?" So I stopped because it ends up with me feeling more disappointed, not because it is hard to do or too much effort.



Cre8ify said:


> I find it hard to sustain all of the high touch/conversation/emotional support/encouragement connections. Two sides of the same coin I guess.


LOL. I understand those things are hard for you because your a man and men are different than women in this area. Even though I comprehend this intellectually, as a woman I can't relate or fully understand it because those things are just so easy and natural to me. Why is it so hard to touch a lot, e.g. give a hug, or give a compliment or word of encouragement? It takes just seconds to do and you've made your wife's whole day brighter. It drives me crazy that men like my H never do these things that would take him less than 1 minute per day. I'm only talking about hugs or compliments here - I would never expect him to do girly things like go shopping with me or watch a chick flick.
I do relate to not wanting to do something time-consuming or talk or listen in a long conversation though - I have trouble focusing on a conversation if I'm not in the mood for it.



Cre8ify said:


> One thing that is valuable for us is making sure we have 15 hours of couple time each week.


That's not going to happen. He doesn't want sex (well he does enjoy it fine once its starts but the idea of it doesn't appeal initially) but he'd still rather do that than spend more than a few minutes with me. As I said, we haven't gone even out to dinner alone in 15 years. I feel as if I must be really boring or somehow annoying to him. I asked him on a mini-date last week and he said 'you know I don't like things like that'.



Cre8ify said:


> the more you talk, the more chance you have of letting a stinger go and making a mess.


Yep. I bottle my feelings up all the time since talking about it is so stressful to him and it hurts more than it helps. But every few weeks, I let some frustration slip, and it just makes things worse.



Cre8ify said:


> I think that might be being the best Kari you know how to be. Maybe dream a bit, search inside yourself and find the best Kari you can even imagine.


That's really beautiful. You are absolutely right and I should keep this in the front of my mind.


----------



## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> This advice will produce a very bad result. Forcing affection on someone won't make them more sexual. Or generally more loving toward you.


MEM , do you have any suggestions on what I might do to help increase the sex and romance? I do know that if it's been 4-5 days and I wait for my H to get into to bed at his desired bedtime for that night, my initiating often works. But it's always on his terms, in bed, late at night, repetitive, I don't get to dress up, and no flirting is involved. I don't dare wear sexy lingerie because that would be too much pressure and assuming too much, and even when I have, it doesn't seem to 'do anything for him'.

MEM I can tell you've been here long enough to realize what doesn't work on LD men. Some other HD men on this forum advise tell women (with LD husbands) to surprise their H by groping him, joining him in the shower, sitting on his lap wearing nothing, sending a naked picture, talking dirty or flirting a lot, putting on sexy lingerie, or giving a surprise BJ. Those things just don't work on LD guys (unless it is not a case of true LD but the H is just bored or prefers to masturbate). Those things make an LD guy uncomfortable and put him on the spot. The attempt is more likely to crash and burn and be embarrassing for both parties. 

I've been burned over the past years trying all of these things, and I'm not anxious to be shot down again. Any hint of pressure or expectation turns him off. It feels to him like I'm implying he should feel and react a certain way, and if he doesn't, he should feel guilty. He feels as if someone wants to make him eat at a time when he's not hungry. I sympathize with him, but it means I have to live in a relationship where sex is sort of rare, repetitive and on his terms, I can't flirt, I can't freely express my desire, and have to bottle it up all the time except when he initiates.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Kari,
First things first. Pat yourself on the back for a high level of self awareness and the ability to perceive pattern in an emotionally strained situation. Not an easy thing to do. 

- How does he feel about non-sexual affection? Massages, hugs, etc. Does he initiate? Respond well to? Or reject/avoid? 
- Will he tell you what he likes most/least about sex itself? 




Kari said:


> MEM , do you have any suggestions on what I might do to help increase the sex and romance? I do know that if it's been at 4-5 days and I wait for my H to get into to bed at his desired bedtime for that night, my initiating often works. But it's always on his terms, in bed, late at night, repetitive, I don't get to dress up, and no flirting is involved. I wouldn't dare wear sexy lingerie because that would be too much pressure and assuming too much, and if I do, it doesn't seem to 'do anything for him'.
> 
> MEM I can tell you've been here long enough to realize what doesn't work on LD men. Some other HD men on this forum advise tell women (with LD husbands) to surprise their H by groping him, joining him in the shower, sitting on his lap wearing nothing, sending a naked picture, talking dirty or flirting a lot, putting on sexy lingerie, or giving a surprise BJ. Those things just don't work on LD guys (unless it is not a case of true LD but the H is just bored or prefers to masturbate). Those things make an LD guy uncomfortable and put him on the spot. The attempt is more likely to crash and burn and be embarrassing for both parties. I've been burned over the past years trying all of these things, and I'm not anxious to be shot down again. Any shades or pressure or expectation turn him off, it feels like someone is trying to imply he should feel and react a certain way, and if he doesn't, he should feel guilty. Or it might feel like he would if someone wants to make him eat at a time when he's not hungry. I sympathize with him, but it means I have to live in a relationship where sex is sort of repetitive and on his terms, I can't flirt, I can't freely express my desire, and have to bottle it up all the time except when he initiates.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I understand why he feels resentful if he gets the impression you are upset that he doesn't feel the level of desire you expect or want him to. 

There is a world of difference between: why don't you like filet mignon every night and: are there some foods you might eat when you aren't feing that hungry? The former is a disrespectful judgement, and the latter is a sincere question. 

If he refuses an exploratory Convo, that sucks. I would say the foundation for our hd/ld marriage working is unfiltered, painfully honest at times, communication. 

I love my wife more for being straight. To be fair she makes it a lot easier by being highly committed. Right now, between the vulvodynia and lack of libido I am guessing one weekend per month would be ideal for her. But she is doing the 2-3 a week 10+ a month routine for me. I hope mostly it is ok for her. When it isn't, and I fade back. 

We had a short Convo about intercourse last week. She expressed anxiety since it has been at least 6 Months. I told her it had been minimal for the,, 6 before that so maybe, 6 times in a year. When I realized most times it hurt her by the end we stopped. I am thinking we are done. She said she misses it. I said I do as well and that I have accepted that part of our life is over. I wish it wasn't but it is. And then I added: many women have vv so bad it hurts throughout their normal day even without any sex. And that I was glad that other then the 20 minutes a week we used to spend fvcking, her and our life is not impacted. I am glad about that. Glass is, 3/4 full. 
But if there was no talking, and just guessing, we would be hurtin


----------



## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

> he'd still rather do that than spend more than a few minutes with me. As I said, we haven't gone even out to dinner alone in 15 years. I feel as if I must be really boring or somehow annoying to him. I asked him on a mini-date last week and he said 'you know I don't like things like that'.


The 15 hours includes walking the dog, grocery shopping,tackling a painting or organizing job together, a new hobby or common interest...and thankfully, having a glass of wine. It can be the most mundane things but if it locks us into conversation along the way its a good thing. IMHO you may be broaching the topic as it relates to intimacy but you are perhaps seeking a deeper, more meaningful connection to your husband. Passion does come along with that.

You are doing your marriage a great service by asking for that and I think you are entitled to seek it for yourself.




> "wow I look pretty hot, why doesn't he seem to even notice?" So I stopped because it ends up with me feeling more disappointed, not because it is hard to do or too much effort.


Which can lead to resentment from my experience which is pushing apart rather than forging a closer bond. 



> Why is it so hard to touch a lot, e.g. give a hug, or give a compliment or word of encouragement? It takes just seconds to do and you've made your wife's whole day brighter. It drives me crazy that men like my H never do these things that would take him less than 1 minute per day. I'm only talking about hugs or compliments here


These things are not hard but they reflect the relationship being a high priority, the importance of small gestures is understood, and the couple are on the same page in choosing to support each other's emotional well being. I guess that's the "effort" part which is easy to talk about to difficult to grasp.

I offer the next thought on behalf of many men who would probably not come clean on this one. Men need to be respected and admired by their wives to feel close to them. These are not great topics for deep conversations. We would never demand respect because we know it must be earned. It is important to us and if it is diminished, we are damaged and lose some of our masculinity. I think of intimacy as the highest expression of masculinity for a man. Admiration sounds so dopey it repels me to even type it. We love to be able to see in our woman's eyes that she is proud of us and she appreciates what we do for our family. Its not rocket science but if it is up the the man to ask, it is probably left a deep, dark secret.

We have been to the brink and thankfully back. I never set out to understand this stuff, I'm just a guy who never needed a thing...or so I thought. Even though progress comes in fits and starts, my wife is so grateful I drew a line in the sand as she had no idea what a marriage could be. I don't know anything of LD or "him feeling pressure" but maybe in a different context the intimacy is the just the most natural expression of affection between a couple that brings out the best in each other. No pressure in that.


----------



## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> - How does he feel about non-sexual affection? Massages, hugs, etc. Does he initiate? Respond well to? Or reject/avoid?
> - Will he tell you what he likes most/least about sex itself?


Luckily, he loves massages. That is my #1 go-to system for initiating. He responds pretty well. But if I go for the 'happy ending' twice a week or more, he is pretty low energy during sex. If I want passion from him, I have to wait a week in between.

He likes it if I hug him and he will hug (or kiss) me back but he very rarely initiates a hug or kiss.

Yes, he will tell me what he likes about sex and I'm really improving over the past few months in certain techniques he likes. It is very exciting for me to learn new things about how to please him, it the most fun thing about this whole year really, and I smile to myself every time I think of it. But he only guides me how to improve my technique and his erogenous zones (e.g. amount of pressure in BJs, what exact spots to touch, or how he wants me to move at a particular moment). He says he 'doesn't have any fantasies' and there's nothing new he particularly wants to try. He will try new things if I lead and suggest it (e.g. we tried anal sex and anal play) but he seems lukewarm, not really into it, it 'doesn't do much for him', it is 'meh' he says.


----------



## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> I understand why he feels resentful if he gets the impression you are upset that he doesn't feel the level of desire you expect or want him to.


Yes he does get that impression but only during the past 9 months, although I've said this as gently as possible. I've never mentioned any dissatisfaction in 15 years until the beginning of this year. So his 'every 3 weeks' frequency of initiating for the past 10 years (when I wasn't initiating at all) wasn't due to resentment I don't think. I don't criticize or nag him and we very rarely have any disagreement so I can't think of what he would be resentful about. He tells me if he's annoyed about something.



> There is a world of difference between: why don't you like filet mignon every night and: are there some foods you might eat when you aren't feing that hungry? The former is a disrespectful judgement, and the latter is a sincere question.


I've never phrased it like 'Why don't you want sex more often?' (that would be hurtful), but I have told him 'I wish we had sex more often'. Again, I only told him that this year. Not sure if he's always suspected it.
Re. 'are there some foods' question, I've asked him if he would like a BJ when he's not in the mood for sex (I would be happy with that), but he says 'usually no'. 



> If he refuses an exploratory Convo, that sucks. I would say the foundation for our hd/ld marriage working is unfiltered, painfully honest at times, communication.


In theory he believes we should be open and be able to talk about sex, and he doesn't 'refuse to talk', but he feels sick for days after we have a conversation like that. I feel like it is torture for him, even though I say things gently. Unfortunately sometimes I start pouting when he turns me down and that's immature of me, I really try not to but sometimes I can't stop myself. I don't ever get angry or passive aggressive, only sad. I'm not a moody person and am not depressed in general, but I feel so unattractive and unloved when he turns me down.

Also, I don't think there is much point in having another conversation about this for a long, long time since I've already told him how I feel and he knows it. I've told him I'd ideally like more sex, romance, and affection in our relationship. He's not going to forget that (although sometimes he acts as if he has). Bringing it up again when he already knows seems like nagging or hammering it or not being grateful for the progress. I'll bring it up once a year to show it is still important to me.

So I think the exploratory convo has been accomplished: he says he just "isn't really into it" if we have sex more than once per week. He needs that recovery time. However, he didn't respond at all when I mentioned wanting more affection or spending time together. Doing those types of things seem out of character for him, he is a reserved and independent kind of guy, feels no need to hang out with the wife.



> When I realized most times it hurt her by the end we stopped. I am thinking we are done. She said she misses it. I said I do as well and that I have accepted that part of our life is over. I wish it wasn't but it is.


Is she able to at least do BJs I hope? I know it just isn't the same as being able to kiss and feel her whole body during sex though.

Does using a vibrator hurt her too if just used on the outside? I notice if I use a vibrator I don't feel other pain at the same time (during anal or when I had bad menstrual cramps for instance).


----------



## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

Cre8ify said:


> Men need to be respected and admired by their wives to feel close to them. I think of intimacy as the highest expression of masculinity for a man. Admiration sounds so dopey it repels me to even type it. We love to be able to see in our woman's eyes that she is proud of us and she appreciates what we do for our family.


I have the highest respect and admiration for my H. I really like everything about him except that he doesn't desire me very often and he isn't affectionate. But he's got everything else I could ever want: a genius-level IQ, funny, dedicated, hardworking, great dad, good at everything he does, honest, a leader, talented in the arts and sports, manly/masculine, very slim and fit (he's a runner), and he is gorgeous. He is good in bed since he makes sure to please me and he has great performance and control (no ED or PE issues). I'm so attracted to him and I think he knows that. I like the ways he thinks and talks, like his viewpoints on everything (we are in sync on politics, religion etc), and he always has great advice. I rely on him for everything. I basically put him on a pedestal.

But how best do I show him my admiration and respect so that he feels it? Imagine if it were you, how would you want your wife to show her admiration for you?


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I'm just really struck by the fact that he won't spend time alone with you. Seriously that is more worrisome to me in terms of the state of your marriage than the sex.
What is that about? 
I have been in your shoes and things are finally turning around. I tried so hard to tell myself it wasn't my fault but I started to really get down. I started wearing sports bras all the time, didn't shave my legs as much, stopped wearing make up as much and I was contemplating letting my dark dark blonde and gray hair go natural. I felt like I was doing all of this to make myself attractive and for what? I ended up telling him that too and he didn't get it. And maybe it was passive aggressive but when the person you love and desire just seems to have little interest in you, what is the point? I guess I was getting really down. 
Do you think he would go to MC? If he won't go can you go alone? I didn't think it would make a difference but it really has. She's a sex therapist and just having a third person to bounce things off of and guide discussions helps. A good MC would help him feel more comfortable and safe talking about these issues so it's not like a shooting spree has started. 
I do know that men react physically to any talk about their relationship that is deep. They get very anxious, there's a lot of research on it. 

You might tell your h that his general dr isn't going to know what to do which may or may not be true. He needs to go to a urologist or endo. That might get him in the door faster. 

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know how hard it is but good for you for taking care of yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

That exploratory thing you are doing with your H, she did that with me in year one, and has only gotten better. 

Let's turn this around though. This is more than vv pain which she takes a strong topical med for. This is loss of desire, not desire to please she has plenty of that, but the lust is mostly gone. 

Lots of massages back scratches and alternative sex stuff makes it all work well.


----------



## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

I don't see how anyone in their right mind could turn down sex with their partner. I have never uttered the words no to the wife. lol


----------

