# Help me! Sexless in Marriage and/or a Sex Addict



## Posiedon (Nov 25, 2012)

It appears I have a high sex drive compared to my SO....
She always gets it when she wants it...twice a month or so.
I need it daily if not every other day and she refuses to go oral...while I like to give and receive oral. Am at a loss on how best to close the gap and save the marriage. Is denial of oral grounds enough for divorce....? What about lack of oral couple with infrequent sex...does it make it a stronger ground for divorce? I however wouldn't want a divorce...she is the only person I truly love and want to also save the marriage for sake of kids. 

My perspective and view on love and sex are separable - love is emotional and comes from the heart/brain while sex is purely physical and comes from the groin. Its the latter that is causing a lot of trouble to me.

Is it just a high sex drive or am I a sex addict..think it might be the latter as I think of other women (co-workers, friends, wives of others) and have thoughts of sharing intimate experiences with them....its gotten to a point where even if I am a sex addict I'm in denial...

Would it be a good solution to get intimate with other women who are in a similar situation? That way we are helping each other out while keeping marriages going and the kids unaffected? What are potential complications of such an arrangement? Would it need to be with approval of spouses ?

Hoping to get some thoughts and input to the internal conflicts that are raging inside me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

No cheating is not the answer here. Cheating will kill your soul and make you the bad guy. If you get to the point of seriously thinking of cheating then get a divorce first.

Some info would be good. How old are the two of you? How long have you been married? how many kids? Does you wife work outside the home or is she a SAHM? 

If you two had sex before marriage, how was it? WAs it more frequent? HOw about in the early stages of your marriage? If it changed when? 

I don't think that you are a sex addict. You don't seem to have that pattern.

Wanting sex daily is not unusual for HD people. Twice a month is pretty low in frequency. 

Has your wife told you why she does not want sex more than twice a month?

Do you feel that your wife does not love you? Feel rejected? etc? 
Or is this just a sex thing as you describe?

IMO, a lack of sex in marriage is a reason for divorce. Twice a month is getting to the very low end of what would be acceptable for a lot of people.


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

You just feel like a sex addict because you are always being made to feel that way. Let me guess, you try and get denied 9 times out of 10? Seems to me that if I try it doesn't matter if I try once a month, it would take 10 months before anything happens. If I tried daily it would take 10 days. I think the mind of the LD person applies a resistance factor and in some twisted way actually thinks they have denied only once or twice. They also think their excuses seem totally reasonable. I get denied even hugging because of period pain. That's how crazy it gets. Sometimes it pisses me off to no end mostly because of how insulting it is to my intelligence.

Back to the question. No, you have normal sex drive. Unfortunately, you need to carry the burden of being oppressed, taking on the guilt of the other party and making them feel good for not wanting it and, feeling like you are the sick one. Pretty sick huh?

First thing to do is start taking care of yourself but please don't cheat. See the pattern here, when the SO does not want sex, then you get screwed every which way and it would not be in your favor if you choose to cheat!


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## Posiedon (Nov 25, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> No cheating is not the answer here. Cheating will kill your soul and make you the bad guy. If you get to the point of seriously thinking of cheating then get a divorce first.
> 
> Not asking if cheating is or not the answer...that is the only recourse and something I am exposing myself to already - given this high risk behavior..I consider myself a sex addict
> 
> ...


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## Posiedon (Nov 25, 2012)

KendalMintcake said:


> I get denied even hugging because of period pain. That's how crazy it gets.
> 
> Completely hear you on this...happens to me too. And the pre menstrual syndrome (PMS) is unbearable too...have to tolerate and put up with considerable abuse to my family members as all venting happens then and she refuses to talk to her gynecologist and get treated for PMS. Have on many instances thought of calling the national abuse hotline ...but hey we both still love, respect and are thankful to each other for a lot of other reasons! Just don't know how long we are going to hang in there together...keeping fingers crossed that neither snaps for the sake of kids..they will be shattered!
> 
> ...


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

Face it we are cursed!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

I just started changing my behavior. Let me give an example, I have been treating my wife very well by obliging her every wish - wants to quit work - so let it be I say. Wants me to help with kids - so let it be. Wants to not make dinner - so let it be. Wants to get a maid - so let it be. Wants me to come home on time every night - so let it be. Wants me to do laundry - so let it be. Ok get the picture. Wants to have sex a few times a year. So let it be. Wants to no longer hug - are you f'ing insane - no f'ing way. 

By now (especially after listing all if this out) she has taken it way to far. Other night and tonight I told her to get up out of bed and hug her kids good night and to give me a massage. If she does not starter ring it be for me I am going to start taking steps to separation and let it be known. I will do this diplomatically and let it be known why I am doing it. I will not over emphasize anything as she is pretty smart but enough is enough. There is really no reason to emphasize get mad yell or anything. The most important thing is to say / indicate clearly your plans and then start taking action step by step. Let her figure out if she wants stop it and there is only one way to stop which is find some means to fix yourself.

I think it is insane for a partner to think it is ok that their sex drive is low - she tells me this is normal and you know what, it is, but it is also normal to go get help after a while. The thing is don't f over a nice guy - that is plain stupidity - I am not a nice guy and moron at the same time are you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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