# How can I get my wife less innocent



## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Ok, me and my wife have been married for about 2 and a half years, and overall I would say we have a pretty good marriage, like we leave each other notes, make each other meals, tell each other we love each other, all these things are all about 50/50, so doesnt really seem like anybody is chasing anybody..although I used to push sexual intimacy maybe more than I shouldve, I am a guy and have a high sex drive, my wife seems in a better mood if she gets sex at least twice a week, more than 3 times a week and shes just tired all the time...but I understand, I used to have a harder time understanding this...but have learned that just cuz your married doesnt mean you cant masterbait..so I started masterbaiting once or twice a week...she has never masterbaited once in her life and is grossed out at the thought of me masterbaiting, and I asked her if she ever has and she was like "Noooooo noooo"

anyways thats some deep stuff, but I guess thats what we do here at this website, say deep things. Ultimately our problem is my wife doesnt seem to crave sex anywhere close to the level that I do, she loves it when we have sex, but she will never instigate, I have tried many different things, like talking about it in a nice way, being a better husband, done all kinds of romantic things, I even try pretending not to care about sex, to see if that will make her want it more....its just alot of the times when we are having sex it seems like she is more worried about trying to stay clean than enjoying sex, she wont ever touch me in a sexual way without me instigating it first, she gives me head, but only if I ask for it which I dont like doing, cuz then its not like she wants to do it.. I shave down there, keep clean, I go down on her all the time and she loves it, and she lets me know...but to get her to go down on me seems like such a chore to her...the only time she ever gives me head without me asking for it is in the shower, and that only starts if I start kissing her, which is kinda like asking her for head in a way.....
I guess all I want is for her to be a little more dirty minded, she is too inoccent, and I have come to the point to just accept it, but its hard, especially in the world we live in, sex is every where, except in my own house....I am just afraid because we dont even have kids yet...cuz whenever we are in a house where theres people next room, she wont have sex, she is just so scared of other people hearing....she covers her mouth when I give her head which kinda ruins it for me cuz I like the noises, but she is too ashamed...
How can I get my wife to just enjoy sex and give oral sex and enjoy it...how can I get her to be a little dirty and naughty, how can I get her to anjoy giving oral, or instigating dirtier or more erotic sex positions, or other out of the ordinary sex positions?

thank you for any help...


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

I tend to be that way....any references to sex make me blush  - my husband thinks its cute. It has alot to do with how and where I was raised. Some families just don't discuss it. If she was raised in an environment where it was talked about, making it something to be ashamed of, then she is less likely too.

On oral sex....not all of us like to give it. Sorry, its a fact. If we don't like it, I don't think you can convince us to like it. For me its a smell, taste thing if I take it all the way. I'm willing to give some....but I won't finish (which some guys will say is cruel, but I do what I can do). Some people have sensitive gag reflexes.

Everyone's sex drive is different - after reading this site we've polled some of our friends - almost all of them are 1 to 2 times a week people. It seems like a very normal thing. 

I would suggest erotic games maybe? Discuss with her why it makes her uncomfortable. Tell her you want to have her enjoy it just as much as you do and for that to happen she has to be able to discuss it.

If all else fails, you could find a therapist that could help both of you.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

She grew up catholic, but her parents are always kissing in public, her mom actually makes sexual jokes with her...she has been very exposed to sex, although she was a virgin when we married, non of her friends were, she was always going to clubls with them, doing all the things that a catholic girl would not do...except have sex...sometimes I acually wish that she wouldnt have been a virgin when we married...its just she wont ever be the one instigating anything sexual, or sexual jokes.....whenever I try talking to her or asking her..she pretends like there is no problem, or I just get one word answers...I can never get inside her head, and I stopped trying, it just gets me frustrated, instead I go on as if nothing is wrong...nothing to talk about.
I made a mistake a few months into our marriage...she was starting to kiss me and began unbuckling my belt..this was after work, and everyday after work I go to the gym...I was getting ready to go workout and told her, "your just doing this to keep me from going to the gym" (she hates it when I leave her alone at homee, but she wont come to the gym with me) so that completely ruined her mood...she has never instigated sex since...I have tried talking about it but she wont say anything...except that it hurt when I rejected her...

I guess she is "very sensitive" and more than most woman....yes..she has always been like this...shes gotton a bit better with time but it seems like she has peaked her sexual drive...we could literally go months without sex, but I dont let that happen, shes in a better mood if I have sex with her a few times a week (notice I say "I have sex with her" not we have sex) literally sometimes feels like I am having sex with a blow up doll that only does what I make it do...


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

You have to just get over the idea that she is going to initiate sex with you. Most women, even very high sex drive women, rarely come out and directly ask for sex or make physical moves to get it started. Usually they give only small signals of interest... playing their hair, eye contact, "so what would you like to do", smiling at you then breaking eye contact and looking down, touching herself on the neck etc. You're just meant to realize she is interested.

If she ever makes a physical move on you, you absolutely must follow through on that. Women take sexual rejection very personally.

She sounds very shy and quiet on the sexual front, though that is not the same as having low desire. It's probably up to you to force the issue with her by being a little more dominant and forceful. My hunch is that she has submissive fantasies. Perhaps explore that online together a little. There's a ton of websites and blogs on that sort of topic.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

shes 25...I say I think shes peaked cuz I just dont see any way that she would ever change....I am hoping but I dunno...

Yes I tried talking to her very slowly, softly, I have told her many times how much I would like it if she initiated, but she just seems surprised, she says she initiates all the time...so I guess womans idea of initiating and mens idea of initiating sex are two different worlds....I would like her to release her wild animal side but the longer we've been together the less likely that will happen...sex to me with her seems very scientific, or planned, not crazy at all...sometimes while having sex she will talk to my penis like its a little kid or something, stuff that just turns me right off...she'll give it weird names and stuff...so she is not exactly shy in bed, just not very sexy I guess...


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

and i am not talking about sexy names, just plain weird stuff...or she will tickle me in a very annoying way, not sexy at all, more like brothers and sisters tickle each other, weird and annoying not sexy at all...


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## JustMe23 (Feb 3, 2010)

I haven't read through the other posts so forgive any repeating. Your relationship is actually very young, especially sexually. Sometimes these things take a lot of time to grow, and it's best done very slowly. It's hard to undo issues of embarrassment and fear of dirty-ness, whether it's mental or physical. I am certainly further along now, 18 years (OMG!) later than I would have been at her point in sexual activity. I remember being in a biology class in college where the professor said the word "clitoris"...I thought I was going to swallow my own tongue it stressed me out so bad! Now? I can talk dirty with the best of them. I used to cover my mouth too, and was actually worried that men would think I was a freak if I made any noise. I don't know where these ideas come from, but they take a long time to undo. 

I'd recommend some good books, open conversations with eachother, maybe some marriage counseling. I like the books by Ian Kerner..."She Comes First" and "Passionista". Very, very good books for any couple, in fact.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

I've mentioned before that I like dancing. I mostly dance with my wife, but I've danced with other women over the years at various parties and such. Rich women, lawyers, people who were used to being in charge at work. One was a colonel in the US Army. And every woman I've ever danced with had one thing in common: they all expected me to lead on the dance floor.

It may just be that in your wife's mind, she "initiates" by sending you subtle signals that she's receptive to your overtures. She interprets your response as a sign that she successfully initiated sex, because she did something and you wound up having sex. Yay for her, it worked!

Maybe you should think of what you'd like her to do by way of initiating, and then tell her to do it. When she seems to be interested in sex (and watch carefully for subtle signs of this), look her square in eyes and say "Kiss me". If that works, you can move up to "Sit in my lap and kiss me." If she seems to be responding well, then go for "Go to the bedroom, and come back here wearing nothing but your bathrobe." If she comes back as directed, have her sit in your lap and kiss you some more.

It may be that the _physical actions_ you associate with instigating are things she'll be happy to do, but this is a dance that she expects you to lead. If all goes really well, in a few years she may start doing the things on her own. What I mean here is that if she gets used to coming into the living room wearing nothing but a bathrobe, she may do it on her own accord. But you might have to lead her through it a couple dozen times first.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

so pretty much I gotta train my wife...hahha, that sounds wrong but it is what it is I guess....fact is, I think I have gotton all screwed up with what we see everywhere...like woman riding guys cowgirl or reverse cowgirl style, 69, all those positions she doesnt like doing, seems like she feels insecure, although if I ask for it she will get on top of me...I guess what I am after is kinda like you see in movies, steamy sex scenes where the woman is all over the guy..but I know life aint no fantasy movie so the whole dance approach might be a better way to think of it from now on...thanks.
I will give that a shot, makes sense the more I think of it, I just need to be a little more patient..its just I find it frustrating to only get a blow job when I ask for it..in a nice way...sometimes she will start doing it but then fall asleep even though she slept 8 hours the night before...just seems she aint all that interested in the sex part like she first was...before we were married we had this issue as well with oral sex where I was constantly asking for it...I have a feeling the only sex we wouldve ever had if I didnt initiate would be the missionary position we had on our honeymoon night...heck, she even was willing to try anal the first night...when now theres no chance...even though I am willing to be very slow with lots and lots of lube, she just isnt as wild as me I guess, and thats hard for me to live with, seems like all she wants is missionary...I am only 24, not 65...


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

By the way, that dancing thing works really really well. Women _love_ dancing. Take ballroom dance classes at a place like Arthur Murray for 8 weeks or something.

When you're dancing, you're touching each other. She's paying attention to how you move your body so she can respond (you don't talk about which way to go, you just go). When we first did the tango, quite some years ago, she practically dragged me to the bedroom after we got home.

If you want to get your woman's motor running, ballroom dancing is worth a try.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

actually me and my wife are taking our first dancing class this friday...shes already a great dancer she grew up dancing but I am not much of a dancer, never really been exposed to it..so lets see how it goes...


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## SweetiepieMI (Jan 22, 2010)

Ya, I would look for the subtle signels. Sometimes i grab a bull by the horn- so to speak- but then other times i like to give the subtle hints. Rembmer the good ol' days of flirting? Before you guys were married? Thats what im talking about, sometimes its hard to see that your spouce is acting that way- (caressing your arm, laughing at your jokes, being playful) but for shy women, THAT is initiating intimacy....... 
there are different levels and comfort zones for initiating.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Heres the craziest part...she wants kids now too...I would love to have kids, but not at this point in our relationship, I mentioned that to her..she gets emotional..eventually I agreed to try for a baby, to do that I had to convince her that I actually want kids as well cuz she didnt believe that anymore...its just a little crazy to me that she wants kids now, how is sex in our marriage gonna be then? that definitely wont help, then its all about the kids...I dont think theres enough trust in our relationship for that yet.....its just crazy that I cant have a conversation about anything with my wife without her crying and feeling useless...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I was still uncomfortable after 10 years of marriage, due to upbringing telling me that I was bad if I had sex! My brain couldn't differentiate and tell me it's ok once you're married. She's only 25, Catholic, and was a virgin. You've got a lot of waiting ahead for her to mature and become comfortable in her own skin. Above all, do NOT pressure her by telling her she's not good enough or not doing enough. Just be joyous around her when you do get to have sex, so she equates happy times with it.

There's a book called 52 Invitations for Grrreat Sex by Laura Corn. It has 26 invitations for each of you to give to the other, for fun times together that aren't really all that naughty. Some are downright boring. I would start there. Find a really tame one, set up the evening, and give her the invitation. It lets her explore her sexuality with you in a safe way.


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## Millania007 (Nov 16, 2009)

trust me she hasnt peaked yet, when I was 25 my hubby always needed to ask for sex, finally now at 29 years old I want it all the time, probably more than my husband! last year he had the little talk with me about initiating sex, he said he was tired of ALWAYS having to initiate sex. I am so used to him initiating sex but ever since he came out and told me what he wanted I am trying hard to please him. The point is I think you need to speak with your wife. Tell her exactly how you feel, tell her u do not want to offend her but you would love it if she just went straight for a bj, that it would make you feel so desired and so good. its funny because as I was reading your post it felt like my husband was writing it, my hubby had the bj conversation with me too..he said he would love it if #1 I did it more and #2 if I would initiate it more instead of him always having to ask for one. Trying hard to at least give him a bj a week if not 2. he seems happier
I still cant seem to beat him to the punch with initiating sex, but I am trying -on the day I want to initiate sex, he ALWAYS beats me to it! a lot of my fear of initiating sex with him was a fear that he would not be "ready" or have a problem getting hard because I jumped him to quickly etc. Not that he has ED problems but its a fear most women have, that maybe he will not be "ready" or maybe they will say no which would kill our self esteem
Anyway I hope you get to have a nice heart to heart with her about your feelings. I really hope it works out for you and that she becomes more freaky for you


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Millania, I have a great book for you! It's called 52 Invitations for Grrreat Sex, by Laura Corn. It has 26 invitations for the guy to give the girl, and 26 for the girl to give the guy. You follow the instructions on how to set up the night; on the invitation, you tell him where, when, and what to bring. As an example, one was for you to get fruit, like strawberries, and string them on a string, like popcorn, and you wrap it around yourself, set the mood with candles and music, and wait for hubby to come in the room, bringing the can of whipped cream he was supposed to bring. His job: eat his way to the end of the fruit (wink wink).

Anyway, it's a lot of fun things like that. The second best gift I ever gave my H.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

marriedguy said:


> Heres the craziest part...she wants kids now too...I would love to have kids, but not at this point in our relationship, I mentioned that to her..she gets emotional..eventually I agreed to try for a baby, to do that I had to convince her that I actually want kids as well cuz she didnt believe that anymore...its just a little crazy to me that she wants kids now, how is sex in our marriage gonna be then? that definitely wont help, then its all about the kids...I dont think theres enough trust in our relationship for that yet.....its just crazy that I cant have a conversation about anything with my wife without her crying and feeling useless...



Hi MG, 
You already know this by now. You are going to have to work a long time (witout pressuring her). She needs confidence and needs to feel that sex is a great and integral part of marriage and relationship.. The physical is SO important.
Sorry if i missed every word. but does she see a therapist?
If not maybe she should go.. NOT with the objective of being more sexual... just to work on confidence and see if that maybe turns over some rocks. Maybe she feels sex is really bad, or she doesnt feel good enonugh. All of which is horrendous thought and im sure hard for her.

Maybe try to get her into situation where she gets compliments from others. Does she have girlfriends from whom something could "rub off"?

Hope you make progress with her. She doesnt know what she's missing... and im not talking sex, im talking the love exchange that comes when yer naked!!


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## Millania007 (Nov 16, 2009)

@turnera wow that book sounds great, he has always been the one to initiate things and I am just now learning how to initiate things after a decade later, poor guy, must have never felt desired..now he must be like: what has gotten into her, because i am always trying to "go for it" but I need to read that book thanks  
Married guy-I think eventually it will all work out for you 2, you both seem young and willing to work on things, good luck and keep us all updated


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's not really a book to read. It literally IS a book of invitations that you pull out and give to the other person. Envelopes and all.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

marriedguy said:


> so pretty much I gotta train my wife...hahha, that sounds wrong but it is what it is I guess....fact is, I think I have gotton all screwed up with what we see everywhere...like woman riding guys cowgirl or reverse cowgirl style, 69, all those positions she doesnt like doing, seems like she feels insecure, although if I ask for it she will get on top of me...


That is exactly what it is. You married a virgin. She has no training or security (most likely) when it comes to sex. People who don't know how to dance won't hurry to ask other people to dance. Know what i mean? Those women you see on tv and in porn, have been with a large number of men. If you stop to consider, you'd have never ever married one of those women. Your wife, has only the experience of you. This is why it does come down, in a way, to training her. She doesn't like doing most things probably because she's insecure. I once tried 'riding' my husband, and i kept being worried i'd move too hard and hurt him. Because of that i prefered to be in a position where he is 'on top' even though me being on top feels much much better. When you love someone you care about how you look and what you're doing. And nice girls, they aren't trained at all in pleasing their man. In fact, all through their lives they are pointed out women who feel good about their sexuality, taught how those women are ****s and we should never be like them...so we never consider that some of what those women do we should borrow to learn how to please our men. Hope this makes sense to you. 



> I guess what I am after is kinda like you see in movies, steamy sex scenes where the woman is all over the guy..but I know life aint no fantasy movie so the whole dance approach might be a better way to think of it from now on...thanks.


I personally think she's after the same. But i think because she doesn't think she's good at that, she doesn't really try...she might even be intimidated by comparing herself to women who are sexual and experienced. Look at it this way, if after you've seen that steamy sex scene, you'd compare yourself to the male caracter, that lifts his woman up with one finger, sticks her to the wall, can pleasure her for (literaly) a whole night, and makes her come 10x...and then you think that's what your woman expects of you, how'd ya think you'd feel?


Oh and one more thing. Ask. Why do people have such a problem with not feeling wanted if they ask. I'm sitting here, craving for ice cream. I'm not telling anyone. D'ya think anyone will know and offer some if i don't ask? Probably not. If i ask and someone rushes to give me some, shouldn't i take that as a sign that they care and want to please me? Or should i just pout and feel rejected because they aren't a mind reader?


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

I dont think you can change her, this is how she is. You can say to her that it would be exciting to you if she out of the blue just went down on you without you having to ask, but dont be disappointed if it doesnt happen. Im in your shoes... I am in an acceptance phase that my husband doesnt like sex that is over the top, and nothing I do or dont do wont change that... its who he is. BUT, he knows what I want. The ball is in his court to take the reigns and provide that if he chooses to... Im not holding my breath though. It is what it is and it doesnt mean he doesnt love me. He just doesnt want to. Trying to make him or entice him only brought our relationship misery.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

63Vino said:


> Hi MG,
> You already know this by now. You are going to have to work a long time (witout pressuring her). She needs confidence and needs to feel that sex is a great and integral part of marriage and relationship.. The physical is SO important.
> Sorry if i missed every word. but does she see a therapist?
> If not maybe she should go.. NOT with the objective of being more sexual... just to work on confidence and see if that maybe turns over some rocks. Maybe she feels sex is really bad, or she doesnt feel good enonugh. All of which is horrendous thought and im sure hard for her.
> ...



Ok..I think you have the wrong impression about my wife..so what I wrote didn't come out the right way I guess...My wife is not really shy, only a little about certain things, but overall she is very very friendly, has lots of friends with whom she's very outgoing, she's got a high self confidence, she never really seems depressed, she's a very positive person and never says negative things, and I mean never...I have never met anyone like her in my life..but she is also the most innocent person I know and I think that's one of the problems in our relationship because my mind wonders into all kinds of naughty and sexy ways for us to have crazy sex and for her it seems like she's happy with missionary all the time and wont make an effort to cross any boundaries...we have had countless talks about it, how I would love it if she were to surprise me out of the blue or suggest something extra naughty or kinky, or just initiate sex sometimes...she's just so relaxed when it comes to sex in our relationship...whenever we have sex I'm able to cum at least 3 times in a row in a 15 minute span..but have often been able to cum 6 times in about 20-30 minute span, usually after the second or third time I just stop because she's begging me to stop, I always want more...I have learned to relax a bit more and lately only cum 2 times then we cuddle up...
I have to say though that in the last week I have started to not complain at all...not say anything negative about anything around her...and done more stuff around the house..and she has somewhat initiated(after I kiss her she will take it a step further) things have changed quite a bit...but...I still feel like there's no way I can ever get my innocent wife to be the dirty crazy girl that I thought she would be somewhere deep inside..maybe that's just who she is and something I will never change..I dunno


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Begging you to stop why? Are you hurting her? Is it uncomfortable? Are you making HER happy first?


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

am I hurting her? No...she likes it when I go fast..and harder... she gets real sensitive down there after I cum...but never seems to have a full orgasm...but USUALLY I go down on her orally before I get on top of her...and make her orgasm that way..then most of the time she wont return the favor so I just continue to sex..I go on to cum about 2-6 times.......when I dont go down on her orally first it's the same..she wants to stop having sex after I cum a few times..she says it feels "too sensitive" but yet she did not have an orgasm and there is no pain..no blood or anything like that...


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Uhm....this is going to sound weird, but...can you ask her to pleasure her own self and discover what she likes?
Seems like she doesn't know herself or what she likes at all. Maybe i'm getting the wrong impression. But maybe if she did that, took time to play with and explore herself, she'd discover how much she enjoys certain things. Just an idea (maybe a bad one)


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Nekko said:


> Uhm....this is going to sound weird, but...can you ask her to pleasure her own self and discover what she likes?
> Seems like she doesn't know herself or what she likes at all. Maybe i'm getting the wrong impression. But maybe if she did that, took time to play with and explore herself, she'd discover how much she enjoys certain things. Just an idea (maybe a bad one)


Actually I have asked her that a few times, but she's like "Nooooo, never, that's disgusting" she would never touch herself....she's always crazy when we have sex and some of my sperm lands on the sheets or on her leg...she kinda freaks out, it's too dirty for her.....it's crazy...yet she takes my sperm in her mouth but doesn't swallow, she goes and spits it out in the bathroom then brushes her teeth cuz she wont let me kiss her before that.....I constantly keep telling her that it doesn't bother me..and that dirty kinda turns me on but she's just like "ewww" Honestly...sometimes I feel like I'm making love with a 12 year old...yet she's 25.......yeah..so that whole thing getting her to get in touch with herself aint happening....


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

As I've mentioned in one of my other threads...I'm crazy for having anal sex with her...and we've tried numerous times...and for her it seems very mechanical...like not romantic or sexy or anything like that.....just wondering whatya guys think about this idea....How about I email her some sexy anal sex with my wife stories for example First Time Anal Sex Stories
think that would open her up to the idea at all? Or am I shooting myself in the foot?
Thank you very much for feedback..greatly appreciated!


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

marriedguy said:


> about I email her some sexy anal sex with my wife stories for example First Time Anal Sex Stories
> think that would open her up to the idea at all? Or am I shooting myself in the foot?
> Thank you very much for feedback..greatly appreciated!


Well, sounds like she's really ashamed of the whole sex thing. I dunno if the anal stories will work or not, but prolly not if she finds it embarassing to wank or talk about it. Anyway, does she have any close female friends that you could maybe convince into starting a talk about sexuality and stuff?


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Star said:


> Can I ask if you like anal and when I ask this I mean you receiving it in the form of her using a toy in you? If not I think you should maybe try it then you can understand the "mechanics" a bit better from her perspective.


Yup, when I first was asking for anal with her one day she was like "lets try it on you" kinda in a teasing way, she kept doing this almost everytime we had sex...so one day I let her..and whatya know getting rubbed in the prostate feels pretty damn good and makes an orgasm alot stronger...so now every once in a while she will rub my prostate by putting a coupe fingers in there...she kinda likes doing it...and it feels good for me...about toys, if she insisted I would try it but I dont got the nerve to ask her...there's something about her enjoying my ass that gets me almost as crazy as me enjoying hers....
I do have to say that we dont have only missionary sex...lots of times we do it doggy style and she loves that....sometimes she asks me "isn't it the same as anal for you?" but nope it's definitely not the same, actually feels very very different from the feeling of being in there to the orgasm feels very different to me.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

D'ya try to slip a few fingers in the front while you're in the back? Sorry had to ask this. Yeah, Star is right, some people don't enjoy anal all that much.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

yeah, but usually her vagina is too dry so she doesn't find it all that comfortable..also usually when we try for anal sex first I make love to her whole body, I go down on her clit, she orgasms, then get her to turn around, start kissing all over her back, eventually get to her ass, start kissing it all over which she loves, then I ask if it's ok if I use some lube, and she says yes(when anal sex has been pre arranged), but from there it becomes more mechanical and less satisfying for her...but we did it in doggy style so I'll try the spooning position...maybe I shouldnt get her to orgasm first? that way she wont be too sensitive to touch in the front?


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