# Men's Opinion-" once a cheater always a cheater?"



## Dulciean (Nov 18, 2012)

I am posting this in the Men's Clubhouse because I have spent plenty of time over a lot of wine with my girlfriends chatting about this subject, and am looking for the male slant. 
My hubby told me very early on in our courtship that he had cheated on his ex- wife on a few occasions, with a 2-3 different women. He felt I had a right to know, and got teary when we talked about it. He also said he ended the marriage quite soon after being caught out. From what he's told me his ex was not interested their sex life, and was not willing to try anything 'different'. Our sex life is pretty hot and gets kinky and kooky , he says he's satisfied and I have no reason to doubt him. My question is do you guys believe in the once a cheater always a cheater theory? Would love to hear your thoughts!


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

While I am also not big on these type of generalizations, it would still always be at the back of my mind and I would think that I may be a little more vigilant in certain situations


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Stonewall said:


> No some people see the damage done and are so truly remorseful that it is never a problem again. I am not big on generalizations like that. People and emotions are to complex. *That being said, if we must speak in generalizations then it is reasonable to say anyone who has cheated may be slightly more apt to do so again.*




I agree with this in bold. I would like to change the word slightly to more likely. I think it takes a constant, conscious effort not to bail when confronted with issues because a line has been crossed which can never be stepped back over.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I can't speak for other men, especially ones who've cheated because I've never found myself in that predicament - however I've never thought of myself as immune from falling into an affair, and maybe that is part of the reason I haven't.

My opinion is that there is always something more than just a moment of bad judgement when a person decides to cheat. Your H sounds truly regretful, and acknowledges the loss caused by his decision, however it isn't clear WHAT part exactly he is regretful about and nor does it look like he has addressed the real cause of his decision to cheat on his ex.

I certainly don't believe in "once a cheater always a cheater" and I also believe in second chances... but unless he took the opportunity to look inside himself and fix the part of him that allowed that infidelity to happen then that mechanism is still there and he will not be able to resist temptation when it comes along. There is absolutely nothing about his ex, nor anyone else, not even a lousy sex life, that caused him to not be able to resist temptation, faithfulness comes from one's own moral fibre.


----------



## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

I know you wanted a man's perspective but couldn't help myself.

Have I said this? Yes. I've also said it about liars.......... Liars/cheaters are both stealing the truth from their SP/SO IMO


However, being totally honest, I think it depends on the individual who cheated. IF they are truly remorseful, then it would show in their actions. What bothers me most about the OPs situation, is that he did it repeatedly and only ended the marriage after being caught. This might indicate he's only sorry because he got caught. Not saying he isn't remorseful now; certainly sounds like it, but that's most likely indicative of the marriage he's in now....he may have more appreciation/respect for it.


----------



## Creedence (Dec 2, 2012)

in my experiance cheaters tend to be like drug addicts,they may get help and the problem goes a way for a bit and then something triggers them and they go right back to it.


----------



## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

In the law we call it precedent. In the financial services industry the rules make us say “Past performance does not guarantee future results” but we still always like to advertise our product’s past performance – when it’s good. And let’s not get started with World Series Championships, the Cubs and the Yankees. So my thoughts are yes someone who has crossed the line once is generally more likely than not to do so again.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Dulciean said:


> I am posting this in the Men's Clubhouse because I have spent plenty of time over a lot of wine with my girlfriends chatting about this subject, and am looking for the male slant.
> My hubby told me very early on in our courtship that he had cheated on his ex- wife on a few occasions, with a 2-3 different women. He felt I had a right to know, and got teary when we talked about it. He also said he ended the marriage quite soon after being caught out. From what he's told me his ex was not interested their sex life, and was not willing to try anything 'different'. Our sex life is pretty hot and gets kinky and kooky , he says he's satisfied and I have no reason to doubt him. My question is do you guys believe in the once a cheater always a cheater theory? Would love to hear your thoughts!


While appreciating your H's honesty I still think you need to be VERY vigilant. 
Your sex life won't be forever kinky and might slow down in the future. He said that the reason he cheated was because he didn't get satisfying sex in his past marriage. Does it mean once he doesn't get satisfying sex in your marriage he will cheat again? 

I don't agree with other posters who say he sounds remorseful. To me he sounds like someone who implies "Don't worry. Our sex life is great...but if it wasn't I might have cheated by now." 

To me he would be someone who would fall in the "once a cheater always a cheater" category. He didn't do it just once, but 3 TIMES. 
This means he sees cheating as a way to escape from his problems in marriage/relationship.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I disagree with the notion of once a cheater always a cheater.

I would how ever question your guys work in repairing his decietful ways, and the tools he now uses to prevent this behavior from coming up again.

In short, has he addressed his issues with how he handled his unhealthy marriage? To me a sexless marriage is not an excuse. Your guy made a choice to decieve his ex wife and what has he done as an individual to adress this decieving characteristic?

In my own case I used to hit my wife, the excuse was she made me made, but the issue in my case it wasn't my wife it was me and with IC and anger management classes I no longer hit my wife and never will again.....so once a wife beater , *not* always a wife beater!


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> ...I don't agree with other posters who say he sounds remorseful. To me he sounds like someone who implies "Don't worry. Our sex life is great...but if it wasn't I might have cheated by now."


If you are referring to my comment, please notice I said he has "true regret" but I specifically did not write remorse, and there is a big difference, because I can't tell from this thread if he is remorseful or not, sounds like it may be the case, if so I agree about your conclusion - the implication is that he isn't cheating NOW because the sex is good NOW. Remorse has nothing to do with sex.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Lon said:


> If you are referring to my comment, please notice I said he has "true regret" but I specifically did not write remorse, and there is a big difference, because I can't tell from this thread if he is remorseful or not, sounds like it may be the case, if so I agree about your conclusion - the implication is that he isn't cheating NOW because the sex is good NOW. Remorse has nothing to do with sex.


hm. I should google about the difference between remorse and regret. I always thought they were the same thing. :scratchhead:

But you get my idea. He's not cheating now because sex is good now. 
What if it wasn't?


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

I googled.
Lon, my idea was that he sounds regretful but not remorseful. Thanx for bringing that up.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

regret vs remorse, may seem like a subtle difference... regret means they would do it differently if they could do it again, remorse means they would never have done it at all if they could do it again


----------



## Dulciean (Nov 18, 2012)

Thank you for the replies! More information- personally I feel he is remorseful. He says " I f...... It up last time" and " She ( ex ) didn't deserve it." He was single for about 5 years between her and I , and seems to have done some reflecting. He also tells me there were many other intimacy issues in his previous marriage...emotional as well as physical. 
It's interesting to me, my own ex ( father of my children ) cheated repeatedly during our 14 year relationship, in hindsight it was obvious but I buried my head in the sand. ( maybe had other things on my mind, like the fact he was physically and emotionally abusing me at the time as well ).
It seems however I do not have trust issues ( denial maybe? ) and am content to trust until I have reasons not to. 
Maybe that's not the healthiest approach?


----------



## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

So he cheated on her when his marriage got bad,you can easily fix that by not allowing your marriage to get to that stage.

That way even if he didn't change he won't cheat on you as long as he is happy with you.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

NewM said:


> So he cheated on her when his marriage got bad,you can easily fix that by not allowing your marriage to get to that stage.
> 
> That way even if he didn't change he won't cheat on you as long as he is happy with you.


There's nothing she can fix. Does it mean she has to do all the work in the marriage for fear of being cheated on?

Sorry but I don't agree with that. You can't stop anyone from cheating if they have it in them to cheat.


----------



## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

I think the number of people in the world who have been COMPLETELY faithful in EVERY single exclusive relationship that they've ever had is pretty low.


----------



## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Dulciean said:


> I am posting this in the Men's Clubhouse because I have spent plenty of time over a lot of wine with my girlfriends chatting about this subject, and am looking for the male slant.
> My hubby told me very early on in our courtship that he had cheated on his ex- wife on a few occasions, with a 2-3 different women. He felt I had a right to know, and got teary when we talked about it. He also said he ended the marriage quite soon after being caught out. From what he's told me his ex was not interested their sex life, and was not willing to try anything 'different'. Our sex life is pretty hot and gets kinky and kooky , he says he's satisfied and I have no reason to doubt him. My question is do you guys believe in the once a cheater always a cheater theory? Would love to hear your thoughts!


If he cheated one time only, then no. If he did it more than once, then yeah.. He'll do it again. Men don't only cheat for sex. They cheat for ego, bored with the same womans body, emotional support etc.. Also happy men cheat too. It's made me kinda jaded. I'm a chick but like.. does your hubby watch porn? I mean I figure if they watch porn its because they want something else, despite how freaky you are in the bedroom.

I've been completely faithful in my relationships couple.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Lon said:


> regret vs remorse, may seem like a subtle difference... regret means they would do it differently if they could do it again, remorse means they would never have done it at all if they could do it again


:iagree:

Also, one has to look at his 'justification' for cheating. If he sees unsatisfying sex as a just cause for cheating, are you going to be able to trust him if your sex life goes through a bad patch?


----------



## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

A good friend in law enforcement told me that once someone crosses the line and murders someone they can never be fully rehabilitated, they went past a normal boundary and it gets easier to do it again. That said the world has many people in it who have killed someone and never repeated their crime, the same goes for cheaters many never do it agian.
However
Just like a dog that has bitten you how do you trust them again, if they will go such a level to get what they want who is to say they won't find themselves there again and cave into that weakness.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Dulciean said:


> " He was single for about 5 years between her and I , *and seems to have done some reflecting*.


I think this is the key.
He may have evaluated his values and decided to work on himself.
Maybe that's the reason he got married a second time.


----------



## Malcolm38 (Dec 25, 2012)

I know all men are horrible and the like, but sometimes a person can reflect on past mistakes and make adjustments for how they act in the future. 

I drank too much when I was a teenager and young adult. I understand the consequences of doing so after losing money and friendships as well as getting poor grades one semester in college, and no longer allow myself to be in situations where I want to drink.


----------



## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

It sounds like he has changed for you.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

couple said:


> I think the number of people in the world who have been COMPLETELY faithful in EVERY single exclusive relationship that they've ever had is pretty low.


I don't think so.


----------



## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Past's and behavior exhibited by individuals is a huge bearing on an individual. Its also a good indicator of how a person is wired you can literally see how someone is structured. A cheater is an individual who breaks the traditional monogamy form but at that the cheater is doing something very natural to humans which is being non-monogamous. In reality the form of monogamy is unnatural for the human being however when one willingly enters a monogamous relationships and breaks its structure huge red flags should be drawn. The person's trust, and character should be called into question.

Personally its not something id risk but the individual can change its just statistically speaking a cheater will cheat again. Nevertheless to answer your question the person can change if they are deeply affected by their actions showing much remorse. However keep in mind their cheating is the result of knowingly breaking a trust/relationship and the result of their instability.


----------



## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

kipani said:


> If he cheated one time only, then no. If he did it more than once, then yeah.. He'll do it again. Men don't only cheat for sex. They cheat for ego, bored with the same womans body, emotional support etc.. Also happy men cheat too. It's made me kinda jaded. I'm a chick but like.. does your hubby watch porn? I mean I figure if they watch porn its because they want something else, despite how freaky you are in the bedroom.
> 
> I've been completely faithful in my relationships couple.


This

There is more to it than just sex. Especially multiple partners you are cheating with. That is all EGO among many other things


----------



## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> There's nothing she can fix. Does it mean she has to do all the work in the marriage for fear of being cheated on?
> 
> Sorry but I don't agree with that. You can't stop anyone from cheating if they have it in them to cheat.


Well from her description it seems like he cheated after his marriage became bad,he didn't just decide he is going to cheat in good marriage.They can work on marriage staying good.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

NewM said:


> Well from her description it seems like he cheated after his marriage became bad,he didn't just decide he is going to cheat in good marriage.They can work on marriage staying good.


ugh, I'd hate to be in a marriage where the health barometer is whether or not my spouse is cheating.


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

For me NO DEFINITELY NOT AlWAYS!! I used to dabble in the world of infedility. It was always meaningless, always just for something different never better, and then I finally realized I was chasing a golden goose.

I have been faithful for 16 years and counting. Good luck!!


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My father slept with my Mother's Best friend... they didn't hide it, my Mother wasn't all that attracted to my dad...& my step Mom wanted him since High school (now her husband was furious).....absolute cheating / they were still married...Even though it wasn't hidden. The divorces came quickly. 

My father, nor my Step Mom has ever, not even a hint, looked outside of their marriage....terribly enraptured with each other. In the hospital while he was getting surgery she broke down & cried in front of me how he has always been the love of her life... she'd could never be with another if he died even.

He was just in a pathetic marriage at the time (with my mom) - with very little sex/ suffering ...her husband was abusive....they fell ...I don't believe anything could have prevented them getting together. They married almost immediately after their divorces. 

But one could say they are both rightly branded with a "cheater" past. 

They've been happy as clams for over 36 yrs & going strong..... Faithful and true. 

Nothing can be painted pure Black & white...depends on the WHY's behind it all, the motivations, the desperation... I believe a good person can fall if given the "perfect Storm"....something they never thought they could do & would never do again.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

NewM said:


> Well from her description it seems like he cheated after his marriage became bad,he didn't just decide he is going to cheat in good marriage.They can work on marriage staying good.


He said "our sex life is good so you don't have to worry about anything". 
This implies that the OP should be worried if their sex life isn't good because chances of him cheating on her as a result of unsatisfying sex-life are there.


----------



## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

It's hard to generalize about cheaters because there are so many different types. "Cheating" is the act of betrayal in a relationship but the cheaters doing the betraying are all different.

Many cheaters honestly believe that what they did was justified. They rationalize their cheating by blaming others for "making them cheat". Or they rationalize their betrayal by saying "they were unhappy". I think this type of cheater is prone to repeat because they have not taken ownership of their lies and betrayal.

If a cheater is honestly remorseful and seems to fully realize the pain and damage they have caused, then I think there is a far better chance that they can repair themselves and not repeat.

Again, it's hard to generalize so you need to assess your own situation and listen to your gut feelings.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Cheaters cheat, liars lie. That's their nature. It's not what they do, it's who they are.


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Can't speak for cheating men,but I do know that my ex wife has been through at least five guys who "had what she was looking for when I didn't. They had everything going for them except jobs, housing, and money. (I think she thought all guys would be able to provide the last qualities she was getting from me)


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I hope that I will always avoid the serial cheaters, this thread is for them.

But when I think about it, there are a lot of people who cheated once and went to remain in stable relationships for a long time. 

It appears to me that Prince Charles is faithful to his second wife. My exH told me how his last gf cheated on him with her current husband. Their marriage lasted longer than ours. It may still be going on, I don't stay in touch with my exH's friends.

I would not like a guy telling me about how he cheated without remorse or if he were blameshifting.


----------



## wantittolast (Jan 6, 2013)

So hard to answer because each person stands on their own. But if he is a person you would consider to have morals and character, is honest, genuinely shows you love and affection and you reciprocate, and each of you stays attractive for each other and the sex is passionate then I believe people can stay faithful forever. Some people may not require as much but I have a high level of sexual energy and that concoction works for me as I am faithful.


----------



## Paullie (Jan 15, 2013)

once a cheater always a cheater is bit extreme to me. I have been cheated on several times my self with different wemen doing the cheating. I do believe that some people cheat for the thrill of it and those people yes that rule applies however i also believe that there are many others have specific rational reasons for cheating(even though rationalizing is wrong to do in itself in my own opinion). Those people can find perfect happiness with one person but not the person they cheated on. Once cheating has accured then the trust has been broken and no matter what the couple does even counciling the trust can never again be the same that it was when they got married.

Trust is neccessary in any relationship, I certainly wouldnt work for a boss I couldnt trust to pay me, I couldnt be friends with someone I know would steal from me, And I couldnt love someone who is not trustworthy enough to say no to everybody else when it comes to those discreet boundries that makes a couple, a couple.

I have 3 basic rules that I believe are the corner stone for building a trusting relationship with someone romantically.
1. Absolutly no cheating of any kind including flirting
2. Honesty with everything except those pleasantries that allow men and wemen to live together like oh yes hun that hair cut looks good on you. To be honest about where you are at any time of the day, who you were talking to and what about. Honest about money! or keep your finances separate and then dont ask.
3. respect! respect the other person point of view even when it differs at least enough to listen to it. respect for the individual to live their seperate lives as long as they have not given you reason to believe that there is any cheating going on. And most important is respect for thier character which means you dont assualt thier character when you are with the "guys" or "girls" just becuase it turned out to be a wife bashing or men bashing session.

this is what leads to cheating when broken


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I don’t think “once a cheater, always a cheater” is too harsh at all. Maybe it’s because I believe anyone is capable of cheating under the right circumstances. 

The problem with a known cheater is you know where their threshold was, and it could have been set pretty low. So, I’d be a lot more careful and really talk to them about it.... If the majority of that talk covers the state of that old relationship they cheated on (the excuses) rather than recognitions about how the adulterous relationship started and the mistakes made and learned... I’d probably walk because it sounds like they are really good at justifying and excusing themselves from doing the ‘right thing’. Basically, don’t fall for the victim thing excusing bad decisions.


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Personally I believe cheating is a huge line to cross. People like to try to make it sound like it's an accident...they couldn't help themselves or there was a good reason for it. The reality is it's a concious decision. At some point the person is in a position to decide: do it...or not do it. 

My belief is if a person is capable of making that decision once...or in this case three times...they are fully capable of making it again.


----------



## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Absolutes like "once a cheater always a cheater" rely not on logic or data, but a rhetorical device called a chiasm. It is like a poem or rhyme, and intelligent people need to know how to spot these. 

Con men, preachers, salesmen, politicians, etc. learn these chiasms by practice. The layman calls them "catchy" phrases, but there is actually an underlying structure that linguists have identified. 

This one is of the form AB CB. Once (A) Cheater (B) always (C) cheater (B). Cheater repeats itself and has the same pleasing feature that a rhyme does in poetry. This tricks the brain into believing there is power and logic to it because it "sounds" good.

That is a weaker chiastic structure than AB BA, and I'll give an example of that:

"Control your cheating before your cheating controls you". 

Now be honest and ask yourself if your mind immediatly turned to justifying the logic of that sentence. After all, can't an affair come to dominate your life and have you making really bad decisions? 

That's what Chiasms do. That's why people are so moved by songs and poetry when the same thought, conveyed without that pleasing structure, carries less power. 

People of low intellect are swayed by chiasms because they can't distinguish between an argument that sounds good because of its lyrical structure vs. an argument that has logic behind it.


There is logic behind the observation that past behavior can be a good predictor of future behavior. But there is also logic to the understanding that circumstances matter. People who are in horrible marriages are more understandable for their affairs than people who are just fundamentally amoral.


----------



## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

Dulciean said:


> I am posting this in the Men's Clubhouse because I have spent plenty of time over a lot of wine with my girlfriends chatting about this subject, and am looking for the male slant.
> My hubby told me very early on in our courtship that he had cheated on his ex- wife on a few occasions, with a 2-3 different women. He felt I had a right to know, and got teary when we talked about it. He also said he ended the marriage quite soon after being caught out. From what he's told me his ex was not interested their sex life, and was not willing to try anything 'different'. Our sex life is pretty hot and gets kinky and kooky , he says he's satisfied and I have no reason to doubt him. My question is do you guys believe in the once a cheater always a cheater theory? Would love to hear your thoughts!


I don't agree with that. I've cheated on 3 different girlfriends with other girls when I was in my late teens and early twenties. My reasoning was they were just girlfriends and I just wanted to experience other girls since I was young. 

I always thought once I had married, it was a much larger commitment. I've been married for 5 years and haven't cheated yet. That's not to say I didn't have the chance too, because I could have if I wanted to. 

Your husband did cheat when he was married though. It depends on his thinking I suppose.


----------

