# New to Forum- Is my marriage that bad? Help!



## seriously3 (Jan 16, 2014)

I came to this forum seeking some advice. I've been married 8 years with 3 children. Sometimes I just think my marriage totally "sucks". Should it be this way? Is this normal? Can it be fixed? I never want sex, maybe stress, work, kids I don't know but I have no drive which takes a tole on our marriage firstly. I seem to get aggravated by everything he does, he doesn't show love or affection to me (which if he did then maybe I would want sex with him?) no hugging, kissing, cuddling, he just always is grabbing on me, annoying me so I say, grabbing butt, boobs, running in the room tackling me when im trying to change clothes, etc. It really gets frustrating and I tell him this but he keeps doing it. We don't spend much time together, its always about the kids. I just really feel like we are both there for the kids. I'm really not sure, just so confused. Please give me some advice on how to make our marriage better. Time alone to re connect isn't an option, we have no one to keep our kids and financially can't afford to pay a sitter for 3 kids. their grandparents don't keep them very often.


----------



## blackdog (Dec 18, 2013)

Just a brief suggestion. Tell him about the grabbing thing so that he understands (yell loud if necessary). Don't forget. We are from Mars and do not understand your language. It sounds though like you likely caught your problem early enough in your marriage that you can fix things. Maybe even without MC.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Start having sex with him, regularly. You don't have to feel like it to do it. It will probably make him more attentive to your other needs.


----------



## seriously3 (Jan 16, 2014)

blackdog said:


> Just a brief suggestion. Tell him about the grabbing thing so that he understands (yell loud if necessary). Don't forget. We are from Mars and do not understand your language. It sounds though like you likely caught your problem early enough in your marriage that you can fix things. Maybe even without MC.


Whats MC? omg I feel like ive been talking to a wall for atleast 3 years about the grabbing thing, I do yell LOL. then he gets mad at me says he wont touch me anymore and a few days later back to doing it again. *sigh* I feel like im out of breath on that topic. I just wasn't sure do all husbands do this? Am I the weird one for not liking him doing this?


----------



## seriously3 (Jan 16, 2014)

jld said:


> Start having sex with him, regularly. You don't have to feel like it to do it. It will probably make him more attentive to your other needs.


I have no interest what so ever in sex, I do it just for him. I've spoken to my dr several times about this bc I do want my sex drive back, I wish everyday we could be like we used to be.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

seriously3 said:


> I wish everyday we could be like we used to be.


Have you openly and honestly told your dh this?


----------



## blackdog (Dec 18, 2013)

MC is marriage counselling. My wife absolutely hated even a pat on the bottom and I never really knew. I always used it to get a rise out of her. I had no idea that it really, really bothered her till just recently. It made me feel like a real heel because I did it for years.


----------



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Would he agree to read the book His Needs, Her Needs? You could both devote some time to reading it together. 

He does not show you respect in a very fundamental way. He is either clued out or feels he owns you and has rights to do what he wants. He needs to man up and grow up.

Would you consider scheduling sex? Sitting down and saying that with the kids and pressures you are up to it say twice a week. Tell him you are his wife and want respect, and that when he gropes and paws you, it makes you feel degraded and not turned on. 

Perhaps if you schedule sex, and just see it as a gift to him, a compromise, things may improve. He may find the idea odd, but explain to him that you are trying to find a solution to the physical part of your marriage because you care about him and your marriage.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

In a "healthy" relationship, the sexual give and take interaction is welcomed by both partners. Check out the "how often does he grab your boobs" thread. In your case, the resentments and frustrations are snowballing, causing a growing disconnect. 

I'm sorry, but if you're truly unable to start spending time trying to reconnect, I can't suggest much else other than marriage counseling. To help with costs, you could try to set up a "child sitting swap" with some parents in similar situations. They take you kids one weekend, you take theirs the next. You could look at low-cost community programs for counseling or children's programs to get them out of the house. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Also keep in mind to some men sex equals emotional connection, they get their emotional connection needs met via sex. Whereas to a lot of women intimacy has other expressions than just sex.

My friend told me once that when he wife cut him off sexually he felt that she 'stopped being a wife to him'. In his mind the two were one.


----------



## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

As well as HNHN, also investigate the Five Love Languages. You can do this online - at no expense.

Find out your love languages and his, then 'speak' to each other in the other's preferred languages.


----------



## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

seriously3 said:


> I have no interest what so ever in sex, I do it just for him. I've spoken to my dr several times about this bc I do want my sex drive back, I wish everyday we could be like we used to be.


DING DING DING DING DING!!!!

There is your problem. He is grabbing you and being all over you when you change clothes because he wants you! He wants sex with his wife. I know this because I was the exact same way when my wife was not giving it up to me. She sounded exactly like you. In her case, she stopped giving it to me while she was having an affair, but still.

For you, hopefully it is just a medical condition, but get it checked out sooner rather than later.


----------



## seriously3 (Jan 16, 2014)

jld said:


> Have you openly and honestly told your dh this?


Yes all the time, just never gets me anywhere :-(


----------



## Anastasia72 (Jun 9, 2013)

My husband grabs me all the time too especially when I'm doing the dishes and my hands are wet so I can't push him away. I tell him all the time so stop grabbing but he doesn't listen. 
I don't know the answer but I know exactly what your going through.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Being mauled isn't foreplay. A wink and a grin will get better results. He needs to slow it down and give you time to get in the mood.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Anastasia72 said:


> My husband grabs me all the time too especially when I'm doing the dishes and my hands are wet so I can't push him away. I tell him all the time so stop grabbing but he doesn't listen.
> I don't know the answer but I know exactly what your going through.


A wet dishrag in the face might dampen his ardor.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

He is not feeding you *emotionally*...and you are not feeding him *physically*/ *sexually*... .it's the classic divide of the sexes....misunderstanding each others needs....sexual intimacy is how men feel loved....and we women need lots of affection, being listened to, understood, held....

Please read this thread... are you feeling Resentment?...if so...this needs opened up... communication, both listening , hearing... caring to meet each other half way.... 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...l-etc-how-robs-us-intimacy-we-crave-most.html

Highly recommended Book *>>> * His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage  ~ these are the Core Emotional Needs addressed in that book....



> 10 Emotional needs:
> 
> 
> 1. *Admiration*
> ...










 Emotional Needs Questionnaire









........


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I found it humorous when I read a study that came out a year or two ago, because it was just so god-awful true. 

It found that men tend not to kiss their woman UNLESS they are doing it to get sex! 

Of course, the irony is that women don't want to feel mauled, used, or objectified, so there's this almost automatic disconnect. This is horrible because sex is SO important to most men. They literally can feel worthless and unloved if their wife shuts them down in this way.

I would encourage you to have one final discussion on the subject, without yelling, that uses specific words: Tell him you don't "rev" up the way he can. Tell him to pretend you are a car and he gets into the driver's seat, shifts into drive, and expects you to go racing without him ever having put in the key to get you started. Then explain that for you, that key is "non-sexual touch." Wrap up the conversation with a reassurance that you *are* a sexual woman who wants to enjoy sex with him, and that you're looking forward to being able to get that in gear again. 

Another thing I would recommend is to have an agreement with him that you will never turn him down for sex, but that you'll get to decide what kind of sex will take place. You might say a quickie if you want to get it over with, or you might stick to oral, but you could also decide to say that he will perform oral on you, or spend 15 minutes pleasuring you, or....


----------



## seriously3 (Jan 16, 2014)

Anastasia72 said:


> My husband grabs me all the time too especially when I'm doing the dishes and my hands are wet so I can't push him away. I tell him all the time so stop grabbing but he doesn't listen.
> I don't know the answer but I know exactly what your going through.


Mine too! when doing dishes or anytime my hands are messy. makes me so angry!


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm puzzled... Why does having your hands wet or dirty keep you from pushing him away? 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Yeah, splash him good! LOL


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

when a man get sexually frustrated he does this.

You have to be your kids mother and your husband's girlfriend in order to be a good wife.

You must find a way to make 1x1 togetherness with your husband a priority. It's more important than 24x7 mothering.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

KathyBatesel said:


> I found it humorous when I read a study that came out a year or two ago, because it was just so god-awful true.
> 
> It found that men tend not to kiss their woman UNLESS they are doing it to get sex!
> 
> Of course, the irony is that women don't want to feel mauled, used, or objectified, so there's this almost automatic disconnect. This is horrible because sex is SO important to most men. They literally can feel worthless and unloved if their wife shuts them down in this way.


 Actually you know what the funny thing is to me.. Me and my husband are utterly backwards, he's never been one to just come on to me for sex..he has ALWAYS been very affectionate for affection's sake... he would feel really bad if I even got the impression he was just after sex.. he is too Gentlemanly ....

and he's never been a Groper... but I AM... so go figure....and I would feel wholly unloved if HE didn't desire me.. I am just like a man I guess... Though this is true of him also..


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I would caution against having an agreement to never turn him down for sex. Situations arise which can make one unable to keep that agreement and then resentment (justified or not) can creep in. 

Coming to a mutual understanding will help. A little more Cary Grant and less frat boy wouldn't hurt.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Actually you know what the funny thing is to me.. Me and my husband are utterly backwards, he's never been one to just come on to me for sex..he has ALWAYS been very affectionate for affection's sake... he would feel really bad if I even got the impression he was just after sex.. he is too Gentlemanly ....
> 
> and he's never been a Groper... but I AM... so go figure....and I would feel wholly unloved if HE didn't desire me.. I am just like a man I guess... Though this is true of him also..


Haha, also true of my marriage now. But not the relationships that came before! Sometimes backward is good.


----------



## AlmostYoung (May 24, 2012)

It's quite ok to sometimes turn him down. But when you do, offer him an alternative time to get together. This will reduce or eliminate his feelings of being rejected/unloved by his wife.

As a matter of fact, I suggest you DO turn him down when he starts the groping. You don't want to reward this behavior. 

Reward positive behavior instead. Surprise him and initiate when things are going well. It will drive him wild! It will also make him more attentive to your needs.


----------



## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

AlmostYoung said:


> It's quite ok to sometimes turn him down. But when you do, offer him an alternative time to get together. This will reduce or eliminate his feelings of being rejected/unloved by his wife.
> 
> As a matter of fact, I suggest you DO turn him down when he starts the groping. You don't want to reward this behavior.
> 
> *Reward positive behavior instead. Surprise him and initiate when things are going well*. It will drive him wild! It will also make him more attentive to your needs.


THIS! We might be dogs, but we're trainable! Reward him when he does it the right way, don't just crush him when he does it wrong. Honey easier than vinegar and all that jazz....


----------



## Microwavelove (Sep 11, 2013)

You sound like your intimacy with your husband is broken down in a lot of other ways, which would probably in part explain why you don't desire sex and it just becomes a vicious cycle. You mentioned everything being about the kids, a lot of stress, etc. 

It's going to be hard for you to feel connected to him intimately until you get some of these other aspects under control. I know that no matter how many romantic things my husband does, if I'm stressed and overwhelmed it's going to be hard for me to be receptive. How often do the two of you spend time really just connecting with each other? Talking, dating, etc.? If you don't have the emotional part of your relationship together, it's going to feel really annoying if the only time you're connecting is him grabbing all over you.


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

seriously3 said:


> I have no interest what so ever in sex, I do it just for him. I've spoken to my dr several times about this bc I do want my sex drive back, I wish everyday we could be like we used to be.


Do other women give your husband the eye or come onto him?
Do your friends tell you they think he's hot?
Did they when you were dating?


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Maybe you'd both be better off if he was grabbing a different woman. Perhaps a nice girl who likes it. That way he can express and receive the attention and affection he wants and you can be left alone to do the dishes the way you want. Win - win.


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Jesus Christ! Now we men should avoid grabbing or tapping our women?!! WTF is left of being a man in this world?!! 

If your husband's grabbing annoys you, it's because you resent him, not because he shouldn't do it! Fix your resentments instead of pu$$yfying him.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

synthetic said:


> Jesus Christ! Now we men should avoid grabbing or tapping our women?!! WTF is left of being a man in this world?!!
> 
> If your husband's grabbing annoys you, it's because you resent him, not because he shouldn't do it! Fix your resentments instead of pu$$yfying him.


Grabbing your woman does not make you a man. Not grabbing your woman does not emasculate you.

Grabbing is for inexperienced, horny, pimple-faced teenage boys.

One can tap a keg, a tree, a foot. One does not 'tap' a woman.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

seriously3 said:


> I came to this forum seeking some advice. I've been married 8 years with 3 children. Sometimes I just think my marriage totally "sucks". Should it be this way? Is this normal? Can it be fixed? I never want sex, maybe stress, work, kids I don't know but I have no drive which takes a tole on our marriage firstly. I seem to get aggravated by everything he does, he doesn't show love or affection to me (which if he did then maybe I would want sex with him?) no hugging, kissing, cuddling, he just always is grabbing on me, annoying me so I say, grabbing butt, boobs, running in the room tackling me when im trying to change clothes, etc. It really gets frustrating and I tell him this but he keeps doing it. We don't spend much time together, its always about the kids. I just really feel like we are both there for the kids. I'm really not sure, just so confused. Please give me some advice on how to make our marriage better. Time alone to re connect isn't an option, we have no one to keep our kids and financially can't afford to pay a sitter for 3 kids. their grandparents don't keep them very often.


Interesting.

He obviously wants more sex but does the very thing that annoys you the most to not want to have sex with him.

How's that working for him?

My suggestion is to have sex with him when the children are sleeping. Maybe your drive will come back & he will stop grabbing & annoying you.


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Grabbing your woman does not make you a man. Not grabbing your woman does not emasculate you.


No it doesn't make you a man, but it's a common habit (almost instinctive) to want to grab boobs, ass, legs or cheeks. To feel 'disallowed' would play a role in building resentment in a marriage.



> Grabbing is for inexperienced, horny, pimple-faced teenage boys.


Maybe in your world. Not in mine.


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> One can tap a keg, a tree, a foot. One does not 'tap' a woman.


I do it frequently.


----------

