# Am I too tolerant? Please advise



## juna

I met my current husband 5 years back through dating site. We were is different countries and had online communication for 3 years before getting married 2 years back. He had alcohol problems right from he beginning, like being drunk even while talking with me over phone. 
But the main problem is that he lied me about his previous marriage and a child he had from it until after 1 years of marriage. I got mad at him when I found out about this but still continued my relationship and came with him to US ( his country).
Then instead of being nice to me he started accusing me of having relationship with other men. When I go out with him he make me uncomfortable by saying that I look at men in inappropraite ways. This has made me so uncomfortable that I try my best to look at floor or at objects while walking.
His alcohol problem,this doubting nature had ignited me many time to leave him and I went to the dating site and accepted few proposal few years back though I never chatted or had any conversation with any men.
Now he came to know about this and is creating a havoc out of it though I am constantly telling him and he also knows that it was before we got married. I am pregnant with his child and throughout this pregnancy we are having fights, mostly because he comes home drunk and accuses me of cheating on him. I am not working and stay at home alone throughout the day.The reasons of accusing are like me talking out two glasses from the cabinet so I must have had someone at home with me. I have menstrual stains on my blanket so I must have invited some guy and drank wine with him and slept with him. Living with him is like walking on egg shells. I am scared of everything.........Can please anyone advice if this is normal?


----------



## imtamnew

No. What is stopping you from leaving him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## juna

Thanks for the reply. I am confused because sometimes he acts like he loves me a lot and I am a very sensitive person. And the fact that I am carrying his baby is holding me back. I wonder if the fact that he lied me about his past and now is doubting me of things I haven't done is something that cannot be tolerated. I need some moral boost and views from you.
thanks


----------



## ariel_angel77

I think the drinking is a huge problem, and it's not ok for him to accuse you of cheating.

Have you considered marriage counseling? I think that would really help. If he is addicted to alcohol, then he will need help to quit.


----------



## EleGirl

Yes you are too tolerant.

We teach people how to treat us. You have taught him that it's ok for him to treat you this way.

Your husband is also an alcoholic. Your marriage cannot be fixed until he stops drinking and he stops being abusive. Both of these things will take a long time to fix if they can ever be fixed.

If you want to try to fix your marriage you will need to let him know that you are serious about it. 

You can start by finding an organization that provides support and counseling for those who are abused. Get into counseling with them. This is individual counseling for you.

You say that sometimes he's nice. Well that's how abuse works. Read at the link below. This is what is going on in your marriage. Few, if any abusers are abusive all the time. They are nice sometimes because that keeps the abused confused. If he was abusive very moment of every day you'd have left a long time ago.

The Cycle of Abuse | Respect For Women

Abuse is a way that one person controls the other. See how he's controlling you? You are constantly thinking about him and how to keep him from getting upset.

The best way to handle a situation like yours is to separate . Then for you to tell him that you will get back together with him only if he goes to MC with you, he stops drinking and attends AA, he gets individual counseling for his abusiving behavior.

And then, if after a 12-18 months of this you will consider getting back. You cannot fix him. He has to do this. And there is no way that you should subject yourself to his abusive behavior while he attempts to fix himself.

Keep in mind that most people with the kinds of problems he has will never be able to do the work needed to truly change.

Has he ever hit you, pushed/shoved you? Does he throw/break things in anger?


----------



## EleGirl

juna said:


> Thanks for the reply. I am confused because sometimes he acts like he loves me a lot and I am a very sensitive person. And the fact that I am carrying his baby is holding me back. I wonder if the fact that he lied me about his past and now is doubting me of things I haven't done is something that cannot be tolerated.


It's very likely that he treated his ex the same way he treats you. No matter what his history is, you should not tolerate they way he's treating you.



juna said:


> I need some moral boost and views from you.
> 
> thanks


Do you have any friends where you live now?


----------



## juna

Thanks a lot for the messages. It gave me energy to rethink about the good things he pretends to do like hugging,pretending to love, helping around the house etc. only to suddenly start accusing me of cheating. Actually I am his forth wife so there must be some serious problem on his side. Actually I came to know about his previous marriages and other many many relationships after my marriage. I feel hurt,and so very cheated to think about the many many women he has already slept with. And then there is his daughter.........
Yes I have a sister and cousin who live here close to me and also few friends. 
Thanks for opening my eyes..........I will seek counselling or take some steps immediately. Thanks


----------



## squareone

I don't wish to make a blanket statement and tar everybody with the same brush, but in my experience, the majority of spouses who accuse you of cheating (for no particular reason) are actually doing it themselves.


----------



## jonspich

squareone said:


> I don't wish to make a blanket statement and tar everybody with the same brush, but in my experience, the majority of spouses who accuse you of cheating (for no particular reason) are actually doing it themselves.


This is so true, I agree. Also his addiction to alcohol is really messing him up. He needs to seek help as well regarding his addiction. And if he doesn't want to change, I think there is no reason to stay in that relationship. You deserve to be happy.


----------



## Chuck71

Your guy needs detox.... BAD. People treat you how you allow them.

If you want to save the M, offer support but he needs to stop.

I doubt he ever has drank in moderation. To be this bad, it's 

roots are from a good while back. Maybe a liver scan would wake

him up to future fatherhood


----------

