# My Husband's Best Friend Won't Go Away!!



## Peachestx (Nov 9, 2010)

I'm very upset with MY HUSBAND. I've barely spoken to him in the past few days. I feel like I don't want to be married to him anymore if we are going to be dealing with the issue of his FRIEND over and over again. When I say we have a looooooong history with this particular FRIEND, I mean a looooooong history. It's so much that I can't even write it all down. I believe he was also a source of contention in MY HUSBAND's first marriage. 

My problem started with him when we were dating because when he was married, he only connected with MY HUSBAND every once in a while, but when he got divorced, all hell broke loose. He wanted MY HUSBAND to be at his beck and call and hang out all the time, going to strip clubs and bars to "hang out". He would always use MY HUSBAND to get women for him because he's "shy" and doesn't know how to talk to them. As MY HUSBAND's girlfriend, I didn't feel I had a right to keep to tell him to set boundaries with him, but once we got serious, I told him my concerns and he backed up a little bit, but not much. It got to the point where, he and MY HUSBAND went to a concert one night and brought, not one, but two women, back to the house. He told me, "I didn't know ya'll were still together", although I was just at the house hanging out with MY HUSBAND the night before. When we were dating, I felt like I was competing with this FRIEND and sometimes, I feel like MY HUSBAND allows his FRIEND to show disrespect to me so I don't place the blame all on him.

Anyway, that's just one scenario while were dating. The bigger problem came when we got married and we had a get together at the house. The whole family was there. I invited one of my long time friends who had just gotten separated from her husband. She asked me specifically if there would be any single men at the house because she really didn't feel like being bothered. I told her no. Well, FRIEND shows up, and he decides he wants to try to flirt with her. I told him she didn't want to be bothered and he went off on me in front of everyone, including MY HUSBAND's parents. MY HUSBAND was in the other room or outside or something, but someone went to get him and his father told him he needed to tell FRIEND to leave for disrespecting me. His dad thinks FRIEND is gay because he's always running behind MY HUSBAND like a lost puppy. Anyway, from that moment, I told MY HUSBAND I didn't want FRIEND around anymore. That was the last straw. And I mentioned to him what his dad said and how he felt about it and he said that nothing like that was going on.

For a while, things were quiet. FRIEND started dating someone and even talked about marriage. I would hear a little bit from MY HUSBAND every now and then, but he knew I really had no interest in anything that had to do with FRIEND. But just recently, the girl decided that she didn't want to be with FRIEND anymore and then all hell broke loose again. Now, he's calling almost every day and invites him to "hang out". He has absolutely no respect for me or the institution of marriage and MY HUSBAND allows that. When he came over Friday, he basically busts in the door, with no regard for me, and tells MY HUSBAND, let's go get something to eat because I'm hungry. They were supposed to go get the food and come back so we could "talk business", but they stayed gone for hours, because I "pissed" MY HUSBAND off. Then, he called him Sunday, supposedly to go help his mom with something, but ended up at a bar because I "pissed" MY HUSBAND off. 

Now, FRIEND claims he's trying to get a business going, a social network, another hair brain scheme that he's been trying to get MY HUSBAND to do since we were dating. I feel like he's a distraction and a leech and a hindrance to our marriage. We don't need his help with our business. We were doing fine!! I don't want his help or his presence in our lives. We had this conversation with our Pastor after the incident with my friend and the Pastor literally told him that he needs to leave this friend in his past. He feels obligated to have him around because he's "been there for him" and it's his childhood friend. To be honest, I understand that, but there are no boundaries. He's a married man and his FRIEND is single so his priorities are different. He's looking for companionship and he's co-dependent on MY HUSBAND for that and sometimes, I feel he can't keep a woman because he's really got some gay tendencies towards MY HUSBAND...

Anyway, I was reading this site and this ladies post was almost like my situation, except FRIEND and I don't have that much interaction, but when we were dating, he would tell MY HUSBAND to have 4 or 5 women and don't be stuck with just me - what kind of crap is that? I just need him to move on!!! I don't know how to pray about my feelings on this one.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...13929-husbands-best-friend-male-love-him.html

P.S. Last night, MY SON called a family meeting because he felt torn between his feelings for me and MY HUSBAND. That is really tough. MY HUSBAND went in to him and told him that I'm not a good mother and that I'm not there for him and my daughter and that I lie all the time to make myself look good. Now, is that something that someone should be telling a 10 year old? He all but cussed me out when I told his 14 year old son that he didn't have a job and that's why we can't give them an allowance anymore!!

I am REALLY frustrated and, as much as I would love our marriage to work, right now I don't care if MY HUSBAND goes or stays. We got bills coming out our behind, the electric and gas are about to be cut off, but he wants to hang out and talk about building a social network with his "friend". We got websites to build for folks so we can get some money, but he's out distracted with this crap. It just makes me so mad!!!


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Time for your husband to grow up and be responsible for his marriage and family. Have you tried counseling?


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

I have friends that i hang with now who've known me since i was 4 years old. ANY friend that yells at my wife better be piss drunk as an exscuse if they yell at my wife or else they'll be picking themselves up off the afterward. Your hubby has allowed his friend to come between him and his marriage, and it doesn't look like he even sees it. His friend who like nothing better than for you guys to get a divorce because that equals more time with him.

Unfortunately you are already losing this battle because he hasn't nipped this is the bud already. Ask your husband what's more important, your friend on your wife. IF the answer is you, u guys will go to counseling. If he hesitates... you have your answer.


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## Peachestx (Nov 9, 2010)

We've been to counseling. The Pastor told him to "give him up" for the sake of the marriage. He did for a little while but the dude won't go away!!

My husband thinks that I don't want him to have any friends and that I want to choose his friends for him. What I want is for him to have friends who are healthy for him and our marriage. If they are disrespectful and don't give a damn about our marriage, then they're not OUR friends.


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## Peachestx (Nov 9, 2010)

Rob774 said:


> I have friends that i hang with now who've known me since i was 4 years old. ANY friend that yells at my wife better be piss drunk as an exscuse if they yell at my wife or else they'll be picking themselves up off the afterward. Your hubby has allowed his friend to come between him and his marriage, and it doesn't look like he even sees it. His friend who like nothing better than for you guys to get a divorce because that equals more time with him.
> 
> Unfortunately you are already losing this battle because he hasn't nipped this is the bud already. Ask your husband what's more important, your friend on your wife. IF the answer is you, u guys will go to counseling. If he hesitates... you have your answer.


He claims he told him off... but who knows. The guy has never apologized to me to my face. He apologized through my husband and that's supposed to be ok.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Rob774 said:


> I have friends that i hang with now who've known me since i was 4 years old. ANY friend that yells at my wife better be piss drunk as an exscuse if they yell at my wife or else they'll be picking themselves up off the afterward. Your hubby has allowed his friend to come between him and his marriage, and it doesn't look like he even sees it. His friend who like nothing better than for you guys to get a divorce because that equals more time with him.
> 
> Unfortunately you are already losing this battle because he hasn't nipped this is the bud already. Ask your husband what's more important, your friend on your wife. IF the answer is you, u guys will go to counseling. If he hesitates... you have your answer.


Piss drunk wouldn't even cut it as an excuse for me.
If anyone ever yelled at my wife, he would be out of my life forever, probably with a busted jaw to remember me by...


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I had a very similiar situation with my hubby and his friend. I had even told the friend to go get his own husband, because this one is mine. Friends started calling the guy "the other wife". There were many arguments with my hubby about the friend monopolizing his time.

What it came down to with us was that I realized that the real issue was with my husband. He was choosing to hang out with the friend. He was allowing the friend into our home, knowing I didn't like him. 

It sounds to me like your hubby wants to hang out with this guy. He may be letting you run with the idea that it's the friend's fault, but it's really not. He's using the old "I'm pissed" tactic. That way he feels justified to go do whatever he wants. 

The friend may be a huge pain in the rear, but your husband is choosing to hang out with him. Your husband is choosing to let all of this mess influence your lives. 

You have a choice too. Talk to your hubby. Tell him that you are not trying to pick his friends or take away his freedom, you just want him to choose you as a priority in his life. If he can't do that, then you have a choice of whether you want to live like that. 

Good luck to you.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

If you and h get into it, does friend stick up for h? Do they seem to gang up on you, have each others back against you?

Many years ago my bf had a friend like that. When we split I found out that yes they were gay. I had no clue, bf never acted gay to me. Dad maybe right.


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## MotoDude (Sep 15, 2010)

scarletblue said:


> I had a very similiar situation with my hubby and his friend. I had even told the friend to go get his own husband, because this one is mine. Friends started calling the guy "the other wife". There were many arguments with my hubby about the friend monopolizing his time.
> 
> What it came down to with us was that I realized that the real issue was with my husband. He was choosing to hang out with the friend. He was allowing the friend into our home, knowing I didn't like him.
> 
> ...


I'm with scarletblue, a responsible man should know what is right or wrong. When time after time he's been told. I have friends that know my responsibilities and we do not take advantage of each other times or money. A good friends know when to bother other and the amount to time they will enbarge on them. A friend dont yell or tell his friend wife off like that.


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## Gene NY (Nov 9, 2010)

It's funny that i don't see God in any of these (so called) advices. The first thing we should do is see what God say's about the subject. Without getting the hubby's side of the situation, it's hard to give Godly wisdom. All I can say it this is the internet is not the place to air dirty laundry. God's advice will not come from random people on the internet. You should join a church and seek the advice of those in charge. My question is does your husband know that you are talking about this on the internet. And have you went to seek help regarding this situation. My second question is, because it take 2 to tango, have you looked at your roll in this fight and how could you have prevented it. Or did you provoke it. You should really take a hard look at yourself before you put your business in the street. This is not from a women who is in Christ. Peachestx, I will pray for you that you find a church home and find out how God can get the glory.


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## MotoDude (Sep 15, 2010)

^^^ oh boy!


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## Peachestx (Nov 9, 2010)

Gene NY said:


> It's funny that i don't see God in any of these (so called) advices. The first thing we should do is see what God say's about the subject. Without getting the hubby's side of the situation, it's hard to give Godly wisdom. All I can say it this is the internet is not the place to air dirty laundry. God's advice will not come from random people on the internet. You should join a church and seek the advice of those in charge. My question is does your husband know that you are talking about this on the internet. And have you went to seek help regarding this situation. My second question is, because it take 2 to tango, have you looked at your roll in this fight and how could you have prevented it. Or did you provoke it. You should really take a hard look at yourself before you put your business in the street. This is not from a women who is in Christ. Peachestx, I will pray for you that you find a church home and find out how God can get the glory.


Obviously, you don't read well. I specifically said that we spoke with our pastor about this and HE advised my husband to leave the friend alone for our marriage's sake. I specifically said that I've tried to talk to my husband about my feelings but he doesn't care how I feel. Everything I've said here is what I've tried to express to him but he doesn't want to hear it. How dare you insinuate that it's my fault that my husband has a gay leech of a friend, who obviously was a source of contention even in his first marriage, so how am I to blame in all of this? 

If you want to use the word of God, go back to Genesis and read where it specifically tells the man FORSAKING ALL OTHERS, TO LEAVE AND CLEAVE TO HIS WIFE. I'm not saying don't have any friends. I'm saying choose your friends wisely. If this friend is causing problems in your marriage and he's been given no BOUNDARIES, and the husband chooses to be with him over his wife, that's a problem. I truly believe that it's 50/50 blame because as someone mentioned earlier, my husband literally WANTS to be with this man... hence the feeling that there's more to this relationship than is being let on. It's hard to even fathom that my husband could be on the "down lo", but it's happening to so many women, I wouldn't be surprised. But is that the woman's fault? 

To be honest with you, now that I think of it, this message sounds like its coming from my husband. It's interesting that this post is from someone who just joined this month and this is the first post he responds to.


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## Peachestx (Nov 9, 2010)

4sure said:


> If you and h get into it, does friend stick up for h? Do they seem to gang up on you, have each others back against you?
> 
> Many years ago my bf had a friend like that. When we split I found out that yes they were gay. I had no clue, bf never acted gay to me. Dad maybe right.


YES!!!! I don't want to believe it. But, yes, that's how it normally goes. When we got into it the other night, they were on each other's side. "I'm not gay, we were just having a business meeting". Well, if I'm a part of the business, why wasn't I included? I'm literally lying in bed naked waiting for my husband to join me when he comes in to let me know that his friend "needs" him. What the heck??


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## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

First of all, you and your husband should be VERY BEST FRIENDS above and before any other so-called 'best friend'. My now wife (#2) and I began our relationship with the promise to be each others very best friend and we have DUMPED a few 'friends' along the way who were not good for our union.
IMO, you children are your #1 priority and they need and deserve the best parental role models they can get until grown up.
Get into some kind of counseling together or separately and DO WHAT'S RIGHT for your kids because what you describe:"P.S. Last night, MY SON called a family meeting because he felt torn between his feelings for me and MY HUSBAND." tells me there is already serious emotional damage to your kids and it'll just get worse if you don't do something for your kids RIGHT NOW. 
The 'friend' is not the problem - your inadequate relationship with your hubs and it's damaging effects on your kids IS THE PROBLEM.
Get some relationship books, videos, Youtube, libraries, news stands or google: relationships and get started undoing the damage to you kids in your home.


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## Gene NY (Nov 9, 2010)

I don't want to get into a argument with, you. If you spoke to a pastor about this, then why is is on the internet. Why do you air your problems on the internet and not continue to talk to your pastor. Once i mention God now you want to talk bible. That is not the way a Godly women behaves. You should continue to seek Gods response and not the internet response. You are allowing the devil to guide your emotions and thoughts. Seek God and not the internet.


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## Gene NY (Nov 9, 2010)

dito jimrich, she needs to seek God's guidance, and you are right the son should have never been involved. The fact that he was tells me that there is a roll reversal in the house. Chaos in the home will never stand. And, God will never bless that home. I pray for the both of them because somebody is missing something.


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## Damselfish (May 21, 2010)

So...why are you here reading this?


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## Gene NY (Nov 9, 2010)

I just go through look different sites and try to get understanding of different people, not just in New York. Sometimes a persons response or conversation and give you incite into a persons thinking. I hope i'm not intruding.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Gene...are you the husband's friend by any chance? 

I agree most with DanF and wonder why your husband's protective instincts fail to kick in. Tell your husband to lose the friend for good, get respect for you and your son (family) and grow up or lose out on what it is you two have built together.


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## Gene NY (Nov 9, 2010)

To Trenton, i can't speak for the husband or the friend, because they are not online. I can only speak to the wife. In counciling we have to always look at both sides of the coin. How do we know that the wife is being truthful. My instincts tells me to ask about what God say about the subject and not jump to conclusions just because the wife speaks. I don't want to take sides I just want to look at both arguments then give wise council.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Gene NY said:


> To Trenton, i can't speak for the husband or the friend, because they are not online. I can only speak to the wife. In counciling we have to always look at both sides of the coin. How do we know that the wife is being truthful. My instincts tells me to ask about what God say about the subject and not jump to conclusions just because the wife speaks. I don't want to take sides I just want to look at both arguments then give wise council.


You give advice based upon the information you have. Simple as that. My ability to reason tells me that it is odd that you pick this thread to keep posting on and using God as an excuse. Seriously, why bother posting if all you're ever going to say is God would want this and I can't give you advice because all parties aren't present?


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## Damselfish (May 21, 2010)

I'm sad you don't have many options, Peaches. Sounds like your husband is hellbent on having this "friend" in his life even if it jeopardizes your marrage Personally, I wouldn't tolerate it for a second, and if my husband insists on disrepecting me - especially after counselling - I would insist on separation to see if dh dumps the guy and decides to work on marriage or live happily ever after with so-called friend.

You and your childrens' well being is your #1 priority and if he is not stepping up, you must.

Best of luck, Peaches.

@Gene: I consider myself a godly woman and have a very close relationship to "my" God; I don't think it is appropriate, however, to come to a site like this (non-religious -one with you obviously don't believe people should be on venting their "dirty laundry," as you say, so why are you even here???) and bash people for not trusting God as you see fit. How do you even know that??? That is inappropriate here and disrespectful, as well, IMHO.:soapbox:


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

There are always few friend issues in marriage. 
Set boundaries for your husband. When you never respect Friend, how can you expect Friend to show respect to you? Respect works mutually. You don't want to respect Friend is fine. You can set some respectful rules for your husband to follow, for example, time, places & support limits for Friend.
Nobody should be asked to leave his/her best friend from childhood unless he/her wants to. Nowadays, you don't just get 1 spouse for life.
Spouse can be temporary, but best friend is forever. Respect that he has his perfect right to have his friend as long as he stays within the limit of respecting the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I never wanted to criticise my husband's friends but my husband knows I respect his friends with boundaries & limits. You can do everything with best friends as long as it's within the limit of marriage obligations. 
The worst idea is to take control of a person's choices manipulatively without respecting his interests.
Because I respect my husband's every friend so my husband respects my limits.
There is always a particular friend who is very bugging but because I never show I disrespect him, instead, I'm always polite & treat him correctly. So he never regards me as a threat or an obstacle between him & my husband.
Because of my respect to him, he respects me back.
He's bugging my husband but with limits because of his FRIENDLY respect for me.
To ask a best friend to leave is to destroy the value of his friendship. I won't recommend you to do that. Instead, show your respect and set the boundaries.


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## Peachestx (Nov 9, 2010)

I truly believe Gene is my husband. His middle name is Eugene and then all of a sudden Gene just happens to pop up on THIS particular post when there are so many others...

Anywho, thanks everyone for your contributions. All I can do is pray at this time. We're scheduled to speak to a Christian couple, a Pastor and his wife, who have taken us under their wings. I have learned that God takes us through trials so that we can be a testimony to others when we go through the same thing. I felt that posting this anonymously would draw people who have been where I've been to share how they got through it. It was not an attempt to air my dirty laundry. Just a place to vent and hope someone would share their testimony to let me know I'm not the only one this has happened to. 

We've been to our pastor, and like I said, things were fine for a while. But now that "homeboy" is single again, he wants to take hubby along for the ride and hubby obliges him all in the name of "he needs to be there for him because he's been there for me", completely ignoring the fact that HE'S not single anymore and he's got responsibilities are home. Not to mention the fact that homeboy is disrespectful to me and hubby allows it and homeboy is 40 YEARS OLD!!! And that's what counselors are for. He has issues that preclude him from keeping a woman. Who knows what that reason is. Whatever it is, he needs to seek professional help instead of my husband feeling he should be his rescuer.

I've tried to put aside my feelings about this relationship for the sake of their friendship, but every time I do, they get trampled on. I really just wish hubby could understand my feelings and how devalued I feel when he puts his wants and desires ahead of mine, including wanting to hang out with his single friend. But I can't talk to my husband, because he's always right and I'm always wrong. I'm always the victim and he's justified to do whatever he wants because HE'S the man and God put him in charge... 

@Ms Lonely, in a perfect world, your attitude would work for me. Trust me, it doesn't work in this particular situation. Basically, my husband has no respect for me so his friend doesn't have respect for me. How he acts is a direct reflection of how my husband treats me. He feels he can do whatever he wants however he wants with no regard or consideration for me or my feelings because that's how my husband treats me. He can barge in our house and tell my husband "let's go get something to eat because I'm hungry" without even looking my way or considering the fact that hubby has a family to look after. Then turns around and calls him, on a Sunday, no doubt, to go hang out at a bar drinking all night, then comes back to our home as if it's ok, smiling in my face, claiming it was a business meeting and I was supposed to be there. No, that's not okay. Period.


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## Peachestx (Nov 9, 2010)

jimrich said:


> First of all, you and your husband should be VERY BEST FRIENDS above and before any other so-called 'best friend'. My now wife (#2) and I began our relationship with the promise to be each others very best friend and we have DUMPED a few 'friends' along the way who were not good for our union. IMO, you children are your #1 priority and they need and deserve the best parental role models they can get until grown up. Get into some kind of counseling together or separately and DO WHAT'S RIGHT for your kids because what you describe:"P.S. Last night, MY SON called a family meeting because he felt torn between his feelings for me and MY HUSBAND." tells me there is already serious emotional damage to your kids and it'll just get worse if you don't do something for your kids RIGHT NOW. The 'friend' is not the problem - your inadequate relationship with your hubs and it's damaging effects on your kids IS THE PROBLEM. Get some relationship books, videos, Youtube, libraries, news stands or google: relationships and get started undoing the damage to you kids in your home.


This is sooooo true. So you see my dilemma. Why would he bring my 10 year old son into a grown person's issue and then degrade me in front of him? If he could say such damaging things to my son, imagine what he's saying to his homeboy... By the way, my husband is his stepdad. We've only been married a year and a half. It's both of our second marriages. 

Basically, I feel I'm just a convenience for my husband. He wants to be a double agent. Married, but single. I just don't know if it's going to work. I literally feel like I want out. I'm fighting a losing battle.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

It's creepy that your husband would do that. Dear Lord, please get out of that relationship. If he won't change, refuses to hear what you have to say and considers a man who disrespects you his best friend that he can't let go of, he's the one who needs to get with God. I'm thinking he'd have some choice words for him.


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## Gene NY (Nov 9, 2010)

Peaches, you are right, it is me. My question is why would put our business in the street. 2nd you have not spoken to me since Sunday, when i've tried to talk to you. 3rd, you have taken my friends help several times. 4th, you don't have the right to call me names and text me and say that i'm on the DL or my friend is. You have been spreading half truths on this site and I am not happy with it. I understand how you feel, but what you didn't tell these good people is that you did the same thing when I went with my uncle to help him with his computer. My friend has not been around for a while and he stays away because of you. By the way the pastor told me it's ok to visit my friend just be respectful and considerate of you. You don't have the right to pick my friends. You never told these good people that i'm home all the time and i don't hardly go anywhere. You never told these good people that you go to girls night out and i don't have a problem with that. You never told these good people that we stopped my facebook account, my business and everything that i was about because of you. You didn't stop anything, we combined our business but that's not good enough for you. You married me and are trying to change me in every way. Did you tell these good people that your son wanted to shot me. You still keep in touch with all of your friends, I only have 3 friends. There is a spiritual connection to what we are going through but you don't want to lean on that. Your whole family doesn't like me but you want them around. My friend has helped you in so many ways, you allowed your daughter to cuss at him. You have continued to call him gay, when we were dating and I didn't want to talk to you, you called him for his help. Both of you plotted, to get me to be with you. How am i supposed to feel.
And you say that you are tired. I cry out for help and you don't feel like you have to respect me and answer. The meeting we were supposed to have, is one that I set up, not you. You want to control every aspect of my life and when you can't you cry foul. How do you call your husband names to people you don't know and then say that you respect him and you are seeking Gods help. I don't understand you.


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## Gene NY (Nov 9, 2010)

I try to be a good man, I take care of my kids and her kids just to have them not like me. I'm not perfect but I try. I study the word, go to church and i'm at home with my family. I don't go to clubs, every once in a while i will go get a drink. I'm home everyday after 5:00pm i help out around the house by cleaning the kitchen every other day. When her daughter and son needs someone to talk to they talk to me even thought the daughter has expressed her dislike for me. What else can i do. I pray, pray and pray. And look, what happens, i see my business in the streets. She knows i don't like that. She used to get mad at me when i talked to my friends about my frustration about her, now it's ok for her to do it. I stopped doing this along time ago. She wants me to change who i am so she can feel secure. My question is I was like this before we got married, so why did you marry me, if you don't like me. Because i have not changed. And by the was, My friend was not why i got divorced in my first marriage and i don't like the fact that you keep bring that up. This is how you play the victim, you don't tell the full truth and you wait for others to agree with you. So you can feel good about what you are doing.


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## Gene NY (Nov 9, 2010)

Too many times ladies get with men that are trying to be good to them, and all they can see the their faults. I have been studying Adam in the bible and I saw that Eve gave Adam the apple. Eve disregarded Adam's instructions and ate the apple. Eve had the whole garden to eat of and she chose the very thing she couldn't have. It's like having a white sheet of paper with a little black dot on it, we tend to focus on the little black dot and say because of the dot i can't live here anymore. We all have faults, if we focus on the faults, we cant enjoy the good. My wife is a good person and i enjoy being with her. I don't put demands on her and i don't wants demands put on me. I get frustrated when i'm being forced to change or else we have to get divorced. My wife can doing anything she wants and i don't get mad, just as long as she is happy.


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