# Forgiveness. I believe it is necessary.



## pauslon (Nov 27, 2013)

Found this and wanted to share. 

I am on path 1 with my wife. I am on path 2 with the OM. It's not easy but I believe it is necessary.

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TWO PATHS OF FORGIVENESS:
FORGIVENESS PATH #1.) We forgive and decide to move on, with that person in our lives, choosing to be mindful not to continue bringing past indiscretions into the present through resentful behaviors.

FORGIVENESS PATH #2.) Forgiveness for past wrong-doings, but letting that person go, along with the anger, resentment or negative feeling you have for them. Forgiveness won't always result in a mended relationship, but it will heal at least ONE heart.

‪#‎MindfuMoment‬ : "Unconditional love" doesn't include staying in an consistently negative or abusive relationship. Forgiveness can't be used as a means to justify ongoing transgressions, Path #1 can only be used with intent to keep PAST BEHAVIORS from destroying the potential of the present with the road block of a hardened heart. Sometimes, it's necessary to let go and move on. Not because you want to, but because you have to. The X factor is ‪#‎GENUINECHANGE‬. If genuine change is NOT involved, consider Path #2.


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## WhereAreTheGoodTimes (Sep 19, 2014)

My IC convinced me that forgiveness is for myself and has nothing to do with her at all.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

I think you have missed the elephant in the room.

To forgive another person, that person must first ASK for forgiveness.

Too many people begin R before they have even been asked.

I don't believe in forgiving people who do not ask.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

WhereAreTheGoodTimes said:


> My IC convinced me that forgiveness is for myself and has nothing to do with her at all.


This is another kind of forgiveness, but yes, I had to learn the same. I had to forgive myself for the relationship not working out and my wife cheating on me.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

pauslon said:


> Found this and wanted to share.
> 
> I am on path 1 with my wife. I am on path 2 with the OM. It's not easy but I believe it is necessary.
> 
> ...


Though advisable either way, forgiveness is only necessary if the aim is reconciliation.

After all, as you implied above, forgiveness and divorce aren't mutually exclusive.

Someone here (can't remember who) has this quote in his/her sig...

“The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; _the wise forgive *but do not forget*._”

- Thomas Szasz


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> TWO PATHS OF FORGIVENESS:
> FORGIVENESS PATH #1.) We forgive and decide to move on, with that person in our lives, choosing to be mindful not to continue bringing past indiscretions into the present through resentful behaviors.
> 
> FORGIVENESS PATH #2.) Forgiveness for past wrong-doings, but letting that person go, along with the anger, resentment or negative feeling you have for them. Forgiveness won't always result in a mended relationship, but it will heal at least ONE heart.
> ...





> By Poida
> To forgive another person, that person must first ASK for forgiveness


.

ASK not necessary for FORGIVENESS PATH #2



> FORGIVENESS PATH #2.) Forgiveness for past wrong-doings, but letting that person go, along with the anger, resentment or negative feeling you have for them. Forgiveness won't always result in a mended relationship, but it will heal at least ONE heart.






> By Gus
> Though advisable either way, forgiveness is only necessary if the aim is reconciliation.


I disagree. Forgiveness is necessary in all situations to get rid of the anger, resentment, and other negative feelings that you may have in your heart and soul. That stage of forgiveness is sometimes just for the good of the FORGIVER




*Paulson
The quotes you posted are excellent! IMO*


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Mr Blunt said:


> I disagree. Forgiveness is necessary in all situations to get rid of the anger, resentment, and other negative feelings that you may have in your heart and soul. That stage of forgiveness is sometimes just for the good of the FORGIVER


You're working from the presumption that every BS wants or will want to be rid of the anger, resentment, etc. Many don't. Hell, we see that here all the time.

As I said, while not necessary, it's definitely advisable, as hanging on to all that junk (and whether one chooses divorce or reconciliation) just isn't healthy.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> You're working from the presumption that every BS wants or will want to be rid of the anger, resentment, etc. Many don't. Hell, we see that here all the time.
> 
> As I said, while not necessary, it's definitely advisable, as hanging on to all that junk (and whether one chooses divorce or reconciliation) just isn't healthy.


Agree with this.

I'm having hate feelings again for the WW a whole 6 months since I thought I was done with that. 

Really isn't much fun for me or my new partner.

It takes time.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Gus
> You're working from the presumption that every BS wants or will want to be rid of the anger, resentment, etc. Many don't. Hell, we see that here all the time.


My post had the OP in mind and he thinks that forgiveness is necessary hence the title of his thread “Forgiveness. I believe it is necessary.”

You are right Gus there are some that will choose resentments and anger over being rid of destructive negative feelings. However, the Op is not one of them and believes it is necessary and he is attempting forgiveness. Forgiveness benefits the forgiver whether he reconciles or does not reconcile.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Forgiveness is overrated IMO.

There are some things that should never be forgiven as far as I'm concerned.

I don't have to forgive to move on and become indifferent to a person who has wronged me.

There are people who have wronged me decades ago to an extent that I will never forgive them.

I don't hunt them down or dream about revenge...in fact I don't think about them at all.

But if they walked up to me tomorrow, my only response would be "F*ck you"....and then turn away.

And I don't see forgiveness as some morally superior way of reacting towards them.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Mr Blunt said:


> .
> 
> ASK not necessary for FORGIVENESS PATH #2
> 
> ...


We've had this discussion before haven't we? I completely respect your opinion my friend however I don't believe that forgiveness is necessary in order to rid yourself of anger and resentment. I chose a path of acceptance and detachment and that has worked very well for me.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Also, I don't believe that forgiveness should be extended unless the betrayer has atoned and asked for forgiveness.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Forgiveness simply means releasing one from their debt or trespass...that you have ended "looking for satisfaction" in the area that they have harmed you. This can be done with someone you intend to maintain a relationship with OR someone you don't want back in your life.

You can forgive and release someone and still set a boundary, saying, "I am done being angry and expecting you to make this right in some way, but I just can't allow you back in my life either. I release you and hope the best for you. Ciao."


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

This is the definition of forgive

verb (used with object), forgave, forgiven, forgiving.
1.
to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.
2.
to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).
3.
to grant pardon to (a person).
4.
to cease to feel resentment against:
to forgive one's enemies.
5.
to cancel an indebtedness or liability of:
to forgive the interest owed on a loan.
verb (used without object), forgave, forgiven, forgiving.
6.
to pardon an offense or an offender.


It's my opinion that some things in life are not forgivable. I will never forgive my x for what she did to me or my daughters. If she had handled things slightly different then likely yes but she did some downright heinous things to me and endangering my daughters. I think forgiveness is required in reconciliation but if you leave all bets are off.

What I have done is moved forward and it took a lot of time to get where I am now. And I think we all have to move forward and live our lives, not drown ourselves in our past. But forgive....a woman who did that, never took accountsbility, never apologized? 

I think not.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

A lot of it really depends on your definition of forgiveness. 
To me, 'forgiven' is the ultimate level of acceptance where whatever it is you have forgiven, no longer affects your perceptions of that person or is part of decision process when dealing with them.

I do not believe you can ever truly forgive deep hurts. I do believe you can get close enough to it that it loses a lot of its weight in the process and is no longer bothersome or a strong factor. But you won't forget, it will be part of who they are to you, and certain actions will be watched a lot closer than every before.

Never ever strive for forgiveness of those who aren’t making any effort to be forgiven…. Hence the AP, rugsweepers, unremorseful, etc.; What are they doing to be forgiven by you? Zero reason to ever forgive them or spend my energy seeking it.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

I feel indifference towards my ex. Not sure if that's forgiveness. I just don't care anymore.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By bFREE
> We've had this discussion before haven't we? I completely respect your opinion my friend however I don't believe that forgiveness is necessary in order to rid yourself of anger and resentment. I chose a path of acceptance and detachment and that has worked very well for me.



Ah, my friend bfree! Yes we had a good thread going about forgiveness some time ago in this section. I think we wound up looking at semantics as the difference between you and me. The end goal is to rid ourselves of anger, resentment and other negative feelings. You do that with “acceptance and detachment” and I call it forgiveness.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Mr Blunt said:


> Ah, my friend bfree! Yes we had a good thread going about forgiveness some time ago in this section. I think we wound up looking at semantics as the difference between you and me. The end goal is to rid ourselves of anger, resentment and other negative feelings. You do that with “acceptance and detachment” and I call it forgiveness.


Agreed. Whatever we call it the end goal is to become a more healthy individual and not let outside forces beyond our control influence our emotional well being.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

pauslon said:


> Found this and wanted to share.
> 
> I am on path 1 with my wife. I am on path 2 with the OM. It's not easy but I believe it is necessary.
> 
> ...


*Well thought out, Paulson! In principle, I do agree with the content. But as some of the others intone, I take exception in that forgiveness is made to heal your own heart from all of the hurt that the actions of the offender has come to cause them.

Forgiveness is the very first step in one's choice to be moving on with their life. While often more convenient, it would be ideal if the offender lowered themselves to summarily ask for that forgiveness, but that rarely, if ever, happens. So forgiveness must be extended to them without their active participation or knowledge, more especially if their deceitful "wall of denial" is way too high for them to crawl over! All too often, they develop the false, reassuring attitude that whatever the transgression was that they committed or even the degree or the magnitude to which it was carried out, will soon wane, greatly to the point that they falsely visualize that all resultant hurt will just go away of it's own accord, and all involved will come to "live happily ever after!"

To that false sense of thinking, they are largely only fooling themselves. So it is contingent that if the "betrayed" is to, in some way, going to move on with their own lives, then the onus is definitely upon them to merely let go and "to just forgive!"

But that act of forgiveness, in no way, should ever imply that the betrayed should ever forget what it was that came to happen to them, chiefly because:*


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Mr Blunt said:


> .
> 
> 
> I disagree. Forgiveness is necessary in all situations to get rid of the anger, resentment, and other negative feelings that you may have in your heart and soul. That stage of forgiveness is sometimes just for the good of the FORGIVER
> ...


Why? 

What's wrong with hate. If the person you're hating is deserving of it, what is wrong with it? 

No one on TAM has ever given me an adequate, believable reason for this, except for bunch of pseudo-philosophical high-handed moralizing. 

Why are people so scared of hate? It's a natural condition of being human. I hate murderers and religious extremists. Does that make me a bad or unhealthy person?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *Well thought out, Paulson! In principle, I do agree with the content. But as some of the others intone, I take exception in that forgiveness is made to heal your own heart from all of the hurt that the actions of the offender has come to cause them.
> 
> Forgiveness is the very first step in one's choice to be moving on with their life. While often more convenient, it would be ideal if the offender lowered themselves to summarily ask for that forgiveness, but that rarely, if ever, happens. So forgiveness must be extended to them without their active participation or knowledge, more especially if their deceitful "wall of denial" is way too high for them to crawl over! All too often, they develop the false, reassuring attitude that whatever the transgression was that they committed or even the degree or the magnitude to which it was carried out, will soon wane, greatly to the point that they falsely visualize that all resultant hurt will just go away of it's own accord, and all involved will come to "live happily ever after!"
> 
> ...



Good stuff Arb. 

You can forgive the murderer for killing his victims and destroying families. But the penalty for his crime is still there and must be exacted, for the good operation of a healthy society. When you break a law, a penalty must be exacted for doing so, or else there is no civilization, just anarchy. 

It's the same with marriage. You violate a vow to your spouse, a price must be paid, whether you forgive them or not. That price could be divorce, exposure to family, loss of reputation, loss of a job... Forgiving the person does not require waiving the penalty. 

Sometimes the penalty is suspended by the offended party out of grace, but to do so is never required. 

Grace. 

Forgiveness. 

These are two totally different things.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Why?
> 
> What's wrong with hate. If the person you're hating is deserving of it, what is wrong with it?
> 
> ...


No, I think it makes you an anarchist. At least in today's weak politically correct society.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I love forgiveness and justice. Both work together fine for me.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

For me, forgiveness relinquishes the burning desire for revenge or retribution. Forgiveness doesn't, and never will, relinquish any just consequences that befall the offender.

I don't need my XWW's plea for forgiveness for me to grant it but I sure as hell won't waste one iota of emotional energy via hatred and bitterness, nor will I ever trust her nor have any desire to have her in my life ever again.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Many WS ask for forgiveness but what they really want is reconciliation. The former benefits their BS while the latter benefits the WS.

Like the two women brought before King Solomon claiming to be the mother of an infant, only the true mother was willing to give up her child so that the child could live. If a there is true remorse, the WS should be more than willing to accept no reconciliation e.g. divorce IF that is what it takes for forgiveness to be granted.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I didn't read every post. Here's what I have concluded so far, for myself. 

Forgiveness is necessary to live a full life that includes all those emotions including hope and security, that a BS once had. 

Forgetting is troublesome for me. I ask myself, how do I remember when it is letting go of uncomfortable personally harmful feelings that are the very things that help to forgive, yet also keep me from forgiving?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

bfree said:


> No, I think it makes you an anarchist. At least in today's weak politically correct society.


Cool!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> I didn't read every post. Here's what I have concluded so far, for myself.
> 
> Forgiveness is necessary to live a full life that includes all those emotions including hope and security, that a BS once had.
> 
> Forgetting is troublesome for me. I ask myself, how do I remember when it is letting go of uncomfortable personally harmful feelings that are the very things that help to forgive, yet also keep me from forgiving?


Yes, but there are those misguided few who would say that unless you also forget, then it is not true forgiveness.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Why?
> 
> What's wrong with hate. If the person you're hating is deserving of it, what is wrong with it?
> 
> ...


Well hate is a bad word in today's politically correct world. Our society you mention hatred and they want you to think something is wrong with you it seems. 

Hate can consume a person but it can also he a tool for positive change in ones self. Its a matter of perspective I guess but its what you do with the "hate". Wallow in it or use it as a tool to success.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> Yes, but there are those misguided few who would say that unless you also forget, then it is not true forgiveness.


That is "advice" is usually given by those who have never experienced the gut wrenching ordeal of marital betrayal.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Yes, but there are those misguided few who would say that unless you also forget, then it is not true forgiveness.


I'm one of them. I don't understand how one can remember the rotten things that happened, without the feelings associated. Please explain if you understand how to do that.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

honcho said:


> Hate can consume a person but it can also he a tool for positive change in ones self. Its a matter of perspective I guess but its what you do with the "hate". Wallow in it or use it as a tool to success.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And Bingo was his name-o!....

Dead right. Too much of any type of emotion is not always a good thing...even love.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> I'm one of them. I don't understand how one can remember the rotten things that happened, without the feelings associated. Please explain if you understand how to do that.



God (if you believe in God) can forgive you of murder if you are contrite and beg his forgiveness. Doesn't mean he's going to stop the wheels of human justice to stop you from ending up on the execution table with injectors in your arm...

I can forgive a guy who rapes my sister, refuse to hold it against him, and release my hatred towards him for what he did. It doesn't mean I'm going to show up at his parole hearing and ask the board to grant him early release. Doesn't mean he shouldn't have to do his time, and then spend the rest of his life registering as a sex offender wherever he moves around to. It doesn't mean I won't warn his neighbors that he is a convicted rapist. 

Blind forgiveness, I believe, is foolish.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

It's impossible to forget but not impossible to greatly lessen the emotional impact of that painful ordeal given enough productive recovery time.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

pauslon, 

May I have your permission to continue this discussion? I have one more thing to say. Hopefully, not two, and I think my perspective can be understood.


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## pauslon (Nov 27, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> pauslon,
> 
> May I have your permission to continue this discussion? I have one more thing to say. Hopefully, not two, and I think my perspective can be understood.


Go for it, it's a forum, I like to hear other perspective. Thanks for asking.

I guess I should say -"Forgiveness -For me, I believe it is necessary."

As others mention, letting the anger and resentment go, it's for youself. I have lived with the anger, and it can destroy your soul. That is why, not only will I forgive my wife whom I am in R, but also forgive the OM. He hasn't asked for forgiveness, in fact I have no communication with him. 

It doesn't mean I am taking D off the table, or that I want to be friends with the OM, it just means I am reconciling with myself, the anger and resentment I have towards them.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

pauslon said:


> Go for it, it's a forum, I like to hear other perspective. Thanks for asking.
> 
> I guess I should say -"Forgiveness -For me, I believe it is necessary."
> 
> ...


Thank you, but I've lost my enthusiasm because I never received a response from bandit, and I don't want to delve into my hypothetical unless I hear from him. I may post something later, but I can't promise. Again, thank you.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

pauslon said:


> Found this and wanted to share.
> 
> I am on path 1 with my wife. I am on path 2 with the OM. It's not easy but I believe it is necessary.
> 
> ...





GusPolinski said:


> You're working from the presumption that every BS wants or will want to be rid of the anger, resentment, etc. Many don't. Hell, we see that here all the time.
> 
> As I said, while not necessary, it's definitely advisable, as hanging on to all that junk (and whether one chooses divorce or reconciliation) just isn't healthy.



I think I'll print out that thing on forgiveness, laminate it, and stick it in my wallet. Then, if I'm lucky enough to bump into POS OM, I can tuck it in his pocket for him to find when he wakes up.ray:


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Originally Posted by Mr. Blunt
> I disagree. Forgiveness is necessary in all situations to get rid of the anger, resentment, and other negative feelings that you may have in your heart and soul. That stage of forgiveness is sometimes just for the good of the FORGIVER
> 
> 
> ...


.

Come on Bandit you know what the hard sciences ( NOT a bunch of pseudo-philosophical high-handed moralizing people) tell us about the damage that hate can do! Do you know more than the hard science’s finding?

You are an intelligent person so you do not need me to give you a logical answer to that question; you are capable of finding that out for yourself if you do not know already.






> Why are people so scared of hate? It's a natural condition of being human. I hate murderers and religious extremists. Does that make me a bad or unhealthy person?


The context that we are discussing hate and forgiveness is with a loved one not a murderer. Because you hate murders and religious extremist does not make you bad. However, if you let hate fester for a long time you may experience some heath affects from that.

I am not scared of hate I just know that I am much better off by forgiving my loved one than hating them. That is not some “..pseudo-philosophical high-handed moralizing” that is my reality.* I have done both; I have hated and I have forgiven and I know the difference*


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

My definition of forgiveness, when I can no longer wish ill feelings for what the offended has done to me. I can look at that person and not one ounce of anger surfaces. In my case I have forgiven my WW for her affair, but I won't forget her affair. I loved her unconditionally before and she caused that to end. I can forgive but I will never forget. I define grace as an undeserved favor. I believe that I have offered my WW grace by giving her this second chance. My WW asked for forgiveness, she was smart enough not to ask for reconciliation. What I mean by that is she didn't ask for forgiveness and grace. It was her first step in shedding her selfish desires. 

I have forgiven myself for what has happened, a necessary step for me to heal. I still hold on to hate and anger, perhaps not enough time has passed for me to shed these feelings. I am only fourteen months past d-day. Forgiveness was easy, but as I've stated many times before, nothing is easy about infidelity. I also don't ever see a day I will release the hate I feel each day, something of a scar you receive from infidelity. A scar that will always remind you of what nearly destroyed me regardless of grace and forgiveness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

It took me up to the 3rd year to even understand the concept of forgiveness towards my husband. 

So many people confuse forgiveness with going back into a relationship as well. Many people cant understand how you can forgive and not return to the relationship. 

To me, I finally after hitting rock bottom, and hurting myself so badly, through time and healing, etc.. I realized that my hub didn't want to hurt me, and never ever thought he would, but he did. I've told him I forgive him, as I know he never wanted to ever hurt me, but sadly we are living with his consequences. 

I also told him I don't want him to live with the label 'betrayer" always in our marriage, but that will never change. For him to have a happy life, he may need to share it with someone new for him to be able to move on and forgive himself. 

~sammy


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

sammy3 said:


> I also told him I don't want him to live with the label 'betrayer" always in our marriage, but that will never change. For him to have a happy life, he may need to share it with someone new for him to be able to move on and forgive himself.
> 
> ~sammy


Man that is heartbreaking.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Reading my post may have been misunderstood, as it was all said and felt in goodwill & love towards each other, not contempt.

~sammy


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

sammy3 said:


> It took me up to the 3rd year to even understand the concept of forgiveness towards my husband.
> 
> So many people confuse forgiveness with going back into a relationship as well. Many people cant understand how you can forgive and not return to the relationship.
> 
> ...




sammy3

It's a combination of forgiving your husband and yourself. Like your husband my WW has not forgiven herself for the hurt she caused or the destruction. Each and every day she hates herself for her actions, but she won't move forward until she does. I try to help point her in the direction of forgiveness for herself but only she can do this. Just like I was the only one who could forgive her and myself. But forgiving doesn't mean you forget what they did and they must not forget what they did. The WS needs to understand what was broken and then repair that area. I don't think my wife will forgive herself until she believes she is again a good person. My wife understands one of her consequences is living with what she did, I just fear she is not going to forgive herself. 

I feel for you in the situation you are in, only your husband can figure this out on how to forgive himself. I hope that he can forgive himself so you both can move forward. He is carrying the heartache of destroying you and the marriage. Something I agree with my wife on, is the guilt and shame are preventing her forgiveness, which ultimately cause more pain to me that our marriage can only progress so far without her forgiveness. I can move forward on my healing but the marriage is stuck. Best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

I have a question. 


Having (possibly, waiting on 2nd test results) been lied to for my entire life about who my father is, why should I forgive my mother? 
Would she have ever told me, had I not found out? 
Or did she plan to never tell me? Just let it be one of those secrets you take to the grave? 


Am I expected to forgive that? 
Or is my supposed father expected to forgive her?


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> I have a question.
> 
> 
> Having (possibly, waiting on 2nd test results) been lied to for my entire life about who my father is, why should I forgive my mother?
> ...


Whether you forgive or not isn't the issue. You need to find a way to accept the situation for what it is and to eventually release the negative emotions that you inevitably carry around with you. Perhaps some day if you should feel that your mother deserves forgiveness then you can find a way. Forgiveness is not a switch you can just flip. It's a long thoughtful process, a journey that does not necessarily have a destination. Hopefully Mr Blunt and others will stop by and provide a better answer for you.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

It's really tough to forgive, in the traditional sense, when no one is asking for forgiveness. It's tough to forgive when you love them so much, for so long, what they have done or what they did not do seems fit for someone that you don't love. Being blindsided by anyone you love is really tough.

If it were possible, work on yourself would automatically include the one who harmed you. In the bigger scheme of things, their love for you would help you to forgive them. It doesn't always happen that way. 

We can't know what they were thinking. We can ask, and sometimes they won't have a good answer, or one we think it worth the pain we went through. The other side of the coin is, they don't know how badly it affected us. 

There is little consolation in any of that. So, we know love is a choice. If the opposite of an emotion, like love, is no feeling, then forgiveness is the opposite of love. It is a resetting of our emotions toward that person to a place where we can move forward without emotional connection to them. Forgiveness allows them to enter our lives once again, or to understand they are not good for us and move on. 

Parents do things for odd reasons. They do them for financial security, to insulate their children from pain, to keep from being embarrassed, or to save themselves and their children from destruction they believe is worse than the lie. Unless she is honest with you, and herself, you won't know. Some of her reasons may be so dated, they won't have much logic today. 

I have a daughter who I honestly believe is not mine. For me to fully believe it, would take a dna test. It's not that I don't want her or love her, although, I don't have any interaction with her now. It has more to do with me and my childish inablility to let go. I've had to pay for her care through support payments. I've paid dearly for nearly all of my adult life, for having any association with her mother. She would be the offspring of an affair partner. She isn't to blame, but can you imagine what it feels like to see this guy with a nice life, never having paid any child support, but being able to see my daughter through clandestine conversations and meetings while I worked holidays like Christmas, just so he could see his daughter? Yes, it is quite possible, and would have to be done in order to keep him and his reputation safe. 

How does my daughter feel about all of this? She hurts deeply because I think she is not my biological daughter. By the way, she's not a child. She's turning 29 this month. What good does it do her or me to hold this anger? None, really, but I'm not angry with her. I would like a dna test. She refuses. Limbo ensues. Combine that with destruction caused by the marriage to her mother, and her involvement with my second divorce, and you have nuclear destruction of the highest order. 

I guess I posted that so that you might be able to understand how complicated it can get. The complications are caused by assumptions, fear, hurt, love and protection. Some of these are well-founded fears and concerns. Some are just fear alone. Family and close friends will help to fuel security or fear. We all do what we think is best with the knowledge and ability we have at that time, not with what we have today. 

If you learn to be stronger emotionally and come from a place of security made by yourself and not relying on any family member, which I believe you are doing, you may have the strength to see the other side of this with less emotion and understand your mother's decision. There are not guarantees. Life is constant change. It's constant learning to deal with new problems, concerns and situations that come our way, many through no fault of our own, others due to things we have done. In your case, I doubt you did anything. You are just living and doing as you are told and have been taught. You are too young to have had much of an impact on any of this and you were a baby who never asked to be brought into the world. You will and do have choices as you go forward. These things you've been through are changing you. You are faced with difficult choices. You will make some good decisions and some bad. In the end, you will be fine, like the rest of us.

Once you get strong enough to handle the answers, it's possible your mother will want to tell you. She may be afraid of your reaction right now. I imagine, in a perfect world, she would have told you. She has her reasons for doing as she did and some of those reasons were to protect you the best way she knew how. 

You may never forgive her, but I think it's best if you forgive yourself for hating her. That's a start, anyway. Maybe you don't hate her, but are just angry? Either way, you can forgive yourself for not being understanding. You can accept that you can't change what she did. You can work on what you have right now. You can look on her and her situation with understanding of how tough life is sometimes, empathy for what she had to live through and love of human life.


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