# Crappy Christmas present



## learntthehardway (Jan 3, 2013)

Hey 

My names Jason 

My wife of 8 years has just left me for a work college and im devastated. 
She has been having an affair with him for several months and i found out and she walked out . She told me its all my fault and that i have never loved her and that im fat and unattractive. i has recently had lap band surgery to improve this but its not working fast enough she said . the most hurtful part is i had a vasectomy so she could come off the pill 9 months ago . she has a thyroid condition that prevents her from having children ( or so she told me ) Now shes having children with this new guy and im devastated. Apparently she read 50 shades of grey and fell in love with this guy because he dominates her . im so shattered .. I worked to put her through school so she could become the CFO of her company . i cooked and cleaned so she could advance her career and work late . Shes telling me intimate details of her new sex life which drove me a little mad and im on anti depressants .. i worked so hard to be there for her and she said she never liked anything i did for her and in hopeless in bed etc .. apparently i drove her to this .. 

Its only been a few weeks and im not coping too well .. im seeing a Councillor about all this .. how can it be my fault .. she has moved on so fast and its like i dont even exist .. i dont know what to do .. she lies about everything .. shes given him a new job and pay rise plus a company car .. i feel like total garbage .. She got blood clots in the lungs 15 months ago and nearly died ( from a plane flight) and i took time off work to nurse her back to health .. which she said ment nothing .. i go to the house to get my mail and there are bondage catalogs and sex shop catalogs laying around .. its totally mad to me that after 10 years together she has changed so suddenly ..


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

What are some more details?

How old are both of you?

How long have you known each other? 

It's good that you're into counseling. Do not stop it. 

Refer to the 180*, it's not for you to win her back, it's for you to cope and deal with things. 

i'm so sorry you're here, good luck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

She's getting mail at your house still? put Return to sender stickers on it and send it all back.

She gave her boy friend a job? she does not own the company right? This is not going to end well.

All you can do right now is take care of yourself, protect yourself financially and move on. 

From here on out treat her according to the 180... see link below.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Hardway, so sorry this has happened to you over the holidays.

You have found a good home here to vent and give you some alternative perspective from your therapy sessions.

You sound like you have Nice Guy written all over you. And you probably let yourself go in your relationship (like a lot of people do). She had a head start on "moving on" which is why she just split.

You've got a lot of work to do but we can help you get there.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

She is definitely in fantasy land. 50 Shades of Delusion. If how you are saying it is accurate there is no way I can see it ending well on her side.

As for you, it is so much easier to say than do, but like the guys say, you have to take a hard look at yourself and change things there that need changing. Not to become a different person but a better you. This is independent of whether you think you can get her back. 

It has to be about you and not about her. 

As I say easier said than done but you have found TAM and it's a great place for advice, support and venting.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Jason,

She is a user. Plain and simple

Be glad that you never had kids with her or you'd be bound to her for a very long time.

See a doctor and find out if your vasectomy is reversible. Get yourself tested for STDs too. She may have given you a "present" from her boyfriend.

If you can prove she gave her BF a job, raise and car, report them to the HR department of her company.

File for divorce NOW and if appropriate, get every dime you're entitled too.

Also, if you left the house, move back in NOW. You have just as much right to be there as she does. If she doesn't like it, she can leave. Leaving the house can put you in a bad place when it comes to the settlement phase of your divorce.

Last but not least, work on yourself to make you a better person for the next woman who comes into your life.

Good luck!


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## learntthehardway (Jan 3, 2013)

Ok more info 

Im 42 shes 32 

we met online, she was 4000kms away .. we fell in love and she moved here ... within 3 months of meeting ! i didn't know until the other day but she was married and living with her last husband when we met . i was told they were separated and she was at her parent place ... we have been together for nearly 10 years married for 8 . 

I put on a lot of weight when i was retrenched ( found a new job straight away ) i went and had lap band to lose te weight which I've halfway completed 

I worked so she could study .. got her a job with a friends company . 

She is also the HR manager .. so cant report her to anyone 

We have to wait for 1 year and a day for divorce in australia !! 

I really don't need to know how good her sex life is .. but she keeps letting me know .. the house is on the market and makes no difference here who is living in it ! 
I worked hard to help her get where she is .. it seems while i was cleaning and cooking after work and doing the washing she was having sex with him at work .. she has told me i never did anything for her .. i want to know why i feel bad and Im not angry .. i feel like its all my fault !!!

I forgot to mention ... the new guy likes married women .. he has slept with 4 other women in the office .. she used to come home and tell me about it .. he even got her secretary pregnant ( whos married to another guy ) apparently he slept with them because he couldn't have her ..


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

The rewriting of history seems to go hand in hand with cheating so they can sleep better at night. Look around, people seem to start doing a bit better once the anger kicks in but it's quite normal for it to take a while to arrive.

Tell you what though. No matter what your failings as a husband, there is never an excuse for cheating. She made vows that SHE chose to break. If she was so unhappy she could have ended things first. That she didn't reflects on her, not you.

That she was cheating when she got together with you and lying again; is on her. She sounds like a manipulative liar and without knowing you or her, you could well be better off free of her anyway. Easy to say, hard to accept but there you go. That is certainly how it looks from the outside looking in at what you have shown us.

As to her rubbing your face in it, that again speaks volumes about her. That's just callous. If I am reading right there are no kids to worry about. That means you can go no contact with her and just look to yourself. Don't give her opportunity to gloat or belittle you.

Figure out who you want to be and concentrate on that.


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