# feeling like the breadwinner and the housewife and he wants more validation...



## peacefully (Nov 13, 2009)

I need some input on this please. I'd like to know if I am being unreasonable and I need some tips on how to resolve an issue.

Background:
My partner and I have joint finances. I make approx. twice the salary that he does. We both work the same hours- but my work is very emotionally taxing (social work). I do the bulk of the housework.

We are experiencing conflict becuase he has stated that he needs more emotional support from me when he comes home tired from work and more praise from me for the work he does. I can feel myself tense up and I can feel some resentment build becuase there is none of that given to me after a long day at my work and then coming home and tending to the household chores.

I've asked him to pitch in more, but that comes at a cost, becaue he makes it very clear in his mood and behavior that he does not want to do housework when he is tired after work. So, I just do it because it's easier for me to work than it is to tolerate his bad mood. 

I feel like I am the housewife and the breadwinner at the same.
Do I just suck it up?

I feel like I need a creative solution, as straight talk isn't working. I am madly in love with him and want to help him feel like the man, I also want to avoid building resentment.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I have heard this solution mentioned: On a day when no one is stressed, both spouses brainstorm all the work that needs to be done in/on the house on a regular basis.

If either spouse is insistent that a particular task or tasks be done in a particular time frame or method, and cannot live with any major deviation from it, they own the task.

Whatever is left is divided up equally between the two and both should agree with a reasonable time frame for the chores.

He should contribute and if he is just a slacker, then it is no wonder you are frustrated. But to be fair, rarely should there be a reason that he "must" do housework on your time frame. If he doesn't want to do housework immediately after work, as long as he has a realistic plan of getting something done, then what difference does it make whether it is right after work or not?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Just say you'd be willing to give him what he needs but you need things to. Negotiate the housework. But I'm with Acorn you may have to be flexible as to when he actually does it. Most men don't want to clean immediately after coming home from work. I know this will mean you have to let go of expectations of what the house looks like but the payoffs will be worth it.

If that were me I'd take over daily stuff like dishes, laundry and let him do things that can wait like cleaning the bathroom. That's only because I'm a neat freak. lol


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Get a house keeper.

Win win.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

OMG, this could have been written by my daughter! She is the breadwinner also, making over twice as much as her husband. He is the same way as your husband, he says he comes home from work stressed and she needs to give him space. But he expects her to start dinner as soon as she walks in the door. there is just one example of his double standards. He wanted to come home and get on the computer and play computer games all evening, while she made dinner and watched their child. 

She really had to put her foot down and let him know he wasn't any more stressed after a day at work than she was, and needed to cut the crap and start doing his fair share at home.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> Most men don't want to clean immediately after coming home from work.



LOL, do you think women like coming home from one job and and going straight into the second job of child care and house keeping?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

SadieBrown said:


> LOL, do you think women like coming home from one job and and going straight into the second job of child care and house keeping?


Look don't shoot the messenger I'm just telling you what's going on. Men don't have that same ability women do to shift gears so quickly. BTW this is in my top 3 reasons why I don't work anymore. I got sick of being the breadwinner, housekeeper, and doing most of the child rearing. I felt it was so unfair and yes I began to resent it. He loved his job but it didn't pay worth a darn. I hated mine but had to keep it because I made at the time 2.5X what he did.


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## peacefully (Nov 13, 2009)

We've talked about getting a housekeeper. I'd be paying for it, and that would allow him some more free time, which he values more than I do.

He gets home about 2 hours before me, and I suppose I get my back up when he's playing on the computer and the house is a mess, the animals aren't fed and I have to grocery shop and cook dinner still- when I've had no "down time" myself.
It's not so much the major housework or the time frame/ expectations it's the day to day stuff.

I wonder if I am being a baby about this?

I feel odd complaining, as he is a wonderful and caring man. I guess I just feel tired a lot of the time, and it's hard to keep up.

I'd like to motivate him without making him feel like he isn't doing enough, as it's already an ego blow that I make more money.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

you are not being a baby.

You have a list of needs in your post (domestic support, words of affirmation). He has a list list of needs (words of affirmation). Lay out between yourselves what you each "need" and agree to give the other what they need. Now, if he cannot agree to give you what you need, or you cannot agree to give him what he needs, then you have a major problem and should move on.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

peacefully said:


> We've talked about getting a housekeeper. *I'd be paying for it*, and that would allow him some more free time, which he values more than I do.


Well, if you are in a partnership, wouldn't you both be paying for it? And if you did, wouldn't it be just as fair to say that getting a housekeeper with joint funds would grant you less day to day stress about chores, which you value more than he does?

You have needs and you deserve to have them met. The best way to do that would be to see the good in your partner and try to work things out as a team. Sometimes that means reframing and looking at it from another angle. Just my .02.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

SadieBrown said:


> OMG, this could have been written by my daughter! She is the breadwinner also, making over twice as much as her husband. He is the same way as your husband, he says he comes home from work stressed and she needs to give him space. But he expects her to start dinner as soon as she walks in the door. there is just one example of his double standards. He wanted to come home and get on the computer and play computer games all evening, while she made dinner and watched their child.
> 
> She really had to put her foot down and let him know he wasn't any more stressed after a day at work than she was, and needed to cut the crap and start doing his fair share at home.


Very good point. You have to wonder if he is just relegating you to the housekeeper role because he thinks that it is a woman thing, and women don't mind. He needs to know that you also feel stress. Magnolia made a good point about men and our assumptions after coming home, but you are in a position where it is not selfish to expect equal consideration. I make three times my wife's salary, but I seem to have more energy at the end of the day so I cut her some slack and try to do most of the cooking during the week. For her part, she has learned to prepare ahead on the weekends for her nights when it is her turn.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Furthermore the part where he "pouts" when he does help is manipulation. You've trained him that if he pouts he doesn't have to help. 

I'm pissed now for you that he's home for TWO HOURS and can't step it up. That changes things. I'd have a come to Jesus talk to him about what day to day stuff needs to be done and so what if he pouts. Let him. He's acting like a child who doesn't want to clean up his room before going outside. Oh well. Tough.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Halien said:


> Very good point. You have to wonder if he is just relegating you to the housekeeper role because he thinks that it is a woman thing, and women don't mind.


Actually, he may be delegating it to the woman because she does mind. In my experience, women generally have a higher expectations for neatness/cleanliness. What she sees as a dirty house may in fact not bother him in the slightest. 

Which is why dividing up chores based on these issues makes sense. If the mess bothers her, she takes that job. He takes other jobs (feeding the animals, shopping etc.).

Edit - While the above does apply, I misread the quote to only involve cleaning and not other items. I agree that he needs to step up to share the load.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Eat before you go home for a week or two and get in from work later than normal. He’ll soon get the message.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

AFEH said:


> Eat before you go home for a week or two and get in from work later than normal. He’ll soon get the message.


Yes this will work effectively as well. And she doesn't even have to play the bad guy to do it either. I like it!

I forget not everyone has kids.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> Look don't shoot the messenger I'm just telling you what's going on. Men don't have that same ability women do to shift gears so quickly. BTW this is in my top 3 reasons why I don't work anymore. I got sick of being the breadwinner, housekeeper, and doing most of the child rearing. I felt it was so unfair and yes I began to resent it. He loved his job but it didn't pay worth a darn. I hated mine but had to keep it because I made at the time 2.5X what he did.


Magnoliagal, lol - I wan't trying to shoot anybody. I know men are that way, but they also seem to have such a double standard about it. 



peacefully said:


> We've talked about getting a housekeeper. I'd be paying for it, and that would allow him some more free time, which he values more than I do.
> 
> He gets home about 2 hours before me, and I suppose I get my back up when he's playing on the computer and the house is a mess, the animals aren't fed and I have to grocery shop and cook dinner still- when I've had no "down time" myself.
> It's not so much the major housework or the time frame/ expectations it's the day to day stuff.
> ...


No you are not being a baby, that is a legitimate complaint. If he is home two hours before you he has time to destress and start dinner.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Halien,

You are me! I have tons of energy when I get home, and I often think of chores and child rearing like a big game. The game getting my kids to bed early and the house clean so I have kid free time after bed time. Lol. Cook dinner. Go outside. Play with kids for an hour or more. Get in. Draw a bath. Splash water all over. Clean up bathroom. Get bedtime snack ready. Kids get to watch a bit of tv while I clean house a bit. Etc. Etc. Etc... BEDTIME! Make lunches. Then....free time!

This brings up a good point. How much is too much for a guy to do? some posts indicate that a Woman finds it unattractive for a guy to do too much housework. Then, in other posts, women indicating the man isn't doing enough. 

I do split the chores, particularly the ones I hate anyways. I was only asked once to mop the floor, because I apparently never take that chore. So, when I did it, it wasn't good enough. Lol.
Same with laundry. One red sock in the whites absolved me of that responsibility. For ever! Yay! I do have to fold, though. That sucks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Just out of curiosity, if you both work the same hours, how does he get home 2 hours before you?

I mean, if he leaves two hours before you and comes home to a house which is a complete mess, he could also be wondering why it wasn't cleaned during your two hours off while he was working.

Just playing devil's advocate here.


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## peacefully (Nov 13, 2009)

We don't work the same hours as in shifts- we work the same amount of hours (approx) per week. I also have a long commute home (over an hour drive) and he works close to home. Due to the nature of my job (salary positon) I am often times held up at work- so I probably work about 10 hours more/ week than he does.

It's not so much the cleaning that gets me- it's the little things like he walks by the grocery store on his way home, but doesn't pick up TP or milk. He'll wait for me to ask him to go, or he just waits for me to go.
He has been clear in telling me that if I want something done, I need to ask him to do it. I find that frustrating, as it's more work to ask him to do things than it is to do it myself. 
I also find that if I have to come home and cook and clean and shop after a 10-12 hour day at a very stressful job, I am nowhere near "in the mood" and having to ask him to clean up creates a mother/child relationship, which isn't sexy.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Well, I got nothing then. 

You deserve more.


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## AllyM (Aug 2, 2011)

Kind of in the same situation, I worked more than he did and would come home and two bottles of wine emptied, hes passed out and the kids miserable and in front of the TV. I have always done way more work and the resentment got to be unbearable which is why we have been separated for a year.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

AFEH said:


> Eat before you go home for a week or two and get in from work later than normal. He’ll soon get the message.


Ding Ding:smthumbup:


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

peacefully said:


> I also find that if I have to come home and cook and clean and shop after a 10-12 hour day at a very stressful job, I am nowhere near "in the mood" and having to ask him to clean up creates a mother/child relationship, which isn't sexy.


If lack of sex does not wake him up, then nothing will. 
I think what he needs to see is how his actions and neediness are killing your sexual attraction for him. It's really bad if he makes less money than you, then expects you to comfort him when you walk in the door from work. That's not what a man should expect from a woman, it's what a woman should expect from a man. It's also a major mistake for a man to act all unhappy when doing housework. That is no different than you acting all unhappy when he asks for sex. Possibly you can point him to the married man sex life blog or something similar.


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