# confront now???



## alwayshere (Apr 16, 2014)

*Confront now???*

I posted here last week and now would like advice on the recent events. To sum up my story I found out that my H was having (what I think is) an EA. I found some text messages the OW sent him. He is a truck driver and she works as a dispatch. He should have no more than a 1-2 min conversation each week. The calls got longer then they began texting.....It has now turned into much more. As far as I know, they have never met face to face.
He admitted to having the burner phone, which he couldnt deny anyway. After he got caught, He said he threw out the phone and will never have anymore to do with her. He says she meant nothing and he doesnt even know why he did it. He has apologized and asked my forgiveness and seemed sincere in his apology. He says he doesnt want to lose me and will do what it takes to work things out. 
I have a keylogger on his computer and while I was away yesterday, he was looking thru her facebook pictures (over 400 pictures). If he means what he says and has no interest in her, why is he looking thru her pictures? There were no emails or messages, he only looked thru the pictures. should I confront him with this or wait to see if it goes further?? 
It is hard to be with him knowing she is on his mind. Maybe he is waiting for this to "die down", then he will continue to pursue her (if he even stopped). How do I handle this?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

He's a truck driver. Hiding another burner phone in his truck would be child's play. He's also in touch with her daily, I'm guessing?

What are you hoping/expecting to come out of a confrontation?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

if she's a dispatcher and his company, he's still in contact with her (at least for business)

where is she physically? on one of his routes?

is she married? did you expose to her husband/bf? you'll need another set of eyes on those two.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

alwayshere said:


> He admitted to having the burner phone, which he couldnt deny anyway. *After he got caught, He said he threw out the phone *and will never have anymore to do with her.


Sure he did. That's the same line the POSOM used to his wife when he kept communicating with mine. All that means is he's too cheap to give it to you and buy another one - which he could do otherwise. Easier to tell you two lies instead of one just to save a few bucks.

If he's looking at her Facebook pictures that pretty much tells you what you need to know about his interest in her. You can keep monitoring him of course; but let's face it. He's a truck driver. If he wants to cheat and finds someone, he can.

He needs real consequences if you want to get his attention.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

To your question, you could confront him on the Facebook pictures, but I wouldn't do it if he can figure out you've got a keylogger on it. You don't won't to lose that.

If he doesn't block his internet history, you could bluff him and say that's how you found out. But if he does block it, and he has half a brain, he'll figure it out.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

It seems clear he is still infatuated with her. He may deny it, but it is indeed true that 'actions speak louder than words'. 

I'd be tempted to encourage him to have his wild time and leave.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

If the roles were reversed, he would not want you to have any contact with the AP.

Do not give up your source of information about the keylogger.

Does the OW have a spouse? Maybe from the facebook pages, you could find out. 

He sounds like he is addicted to his behavior. Will he go to counseling to work on his addiction?


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## alwayshere (Apr 16, 2014)

He doesnt have contact with her daily and he says he doenst talk to her at all now. She sends a fax directly to me now so they do not have to talk.
I have searched his truck and did not find the phone (since he said he threw it out). I know he could still have it hidden at a friends house or could easily buy another one so I am not satisfied that it is over. However, going by "gut feelings", I dont feel like he is still talking to her.
I'm not sure what I am expecting if I confront at this point. At times, I just want to walk away and other times I want to save my marriage. Not being sure of what I want to do, I dont want to let him know about the keylogger, but I am having a hard time keeping quiet about it. It hurts to know that she is on his mind. 
What does it really mean that he is looking at her pics (behind my back)? Maybe I can get a man's point of view here. Does that mean there is real interest there? Does it mean nothing? I'm very confused. My mind is a mess and I just dont know what to do or think. I guess I am looking for someone to tell me it is nothing, but I do need honesty here. Thanks for any opinions and advice!!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

It's not "nothing". But it's also only been a short time, hasn't it?

What are you two doing to heal and process what you've been through? Counseling? Anything?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Do not confront now. Keep watching the keylogger.


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## alwayshere (Apr 16, 2014)

just curious as to how many here would end the relationship if you were in my shoes. I know that may be hard to say not knowing everything but will I ever be able to trust him? What are the chances he will really be faithful and is not still talking to her now? Will I be able to move past it if I decide to stay?
He is out of town now and I am sitting here wondering if he is talking to her. I will never know.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Sorry for your problem. I wouldn't end the marriage just yet, you need to exhaust most options so you'll be satisfied in the future and not have regrets of pulling the plug prematurely. 

That being said, monitor him as best you can and trust your gut. Do not reveal your surveillance activities to him. Be ready to ram a divorce down his throat as soon as he gives you the justification. 

Be proactive in doing what you can to save the marriage and bring out the best in him. Sit him down and plot out a game plan on how to do this. Get him to commit to measurable actions that will enhance your relationship. 

Discuss with him what constitutes marriage deal breakers in your opinion. This will help to define exactly where the line is so that if and when he steps out of line you will be enabled to be decisive in your response.


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## alwayshere (Apr 16, 2014)

I have a question about something I didnt mention here. When I found my H burner phone, the OW was in contacts listed as "babydoll". This was not to impress her because she would probably never see the phone. Does this indicate some kind of feelings he may have for her? Does that fact that he is still looking thru her facebook pics mean he has feelings for her???


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

get weightlifter in here.


do not confront now. You need money in the bank evidence, not this soft looking at photos evidence. he's not done. so remain quiet and wait for something concrete. If you confront prematurely, you will only make it more difficult to find anything.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

alwayshere said:


> I have a question about something I didnt mention here. When I found my H burner phone, the OW was in contacts listed as "babydoll". This was not to impress her because she would probably never see the phone. Does this indicate some kind of feelings he may have for her? Does that fact that he is still looking thru her facebook pics mean he has feelings for her???


Of course it does.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

As far as the keylogger is concerned, don't tell him. I know its rough not to. I know you want to explode at the seams, tossing everything in his face. Just don't do it.. Wait.. Wait.. Wait..

Why not just ask him if he is facebook friends with her ? Just about everyone has facebook and its common for these people become facebook friends.. So its not so outlandish for you to ask.

Oddly enough the last place I looked was facebook.. I was crushed to see what my Ex wife posted on his public facebook page.. 

You can then sort of ask him if he was messaging her on FB.. 

Before you do the keylogger, check the internet history, maybe he didn't even delete the history.. It might be there in plain sight. This way you can confront him on it but not give up your secret.. 

As for why he is looking..
It could be many reasons.. 
He could be thinking of what if. 
It could be because you caught him mid way in that he is still slightly pining for this woman and is just weaning himself off in his own way. 

If he keeps doing it then you have something to deal with.

I think you need more time to observe before you attack.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

alwayshere said:


> I have a question about something I didnt mention here. When I found my H burner phone, the OW was in contacts listed as "babydoll". This was not to impress her because she would probably never see the phone. Does this indicate some kind of feelings he may have for her? Does that fact that he is still looking thru her facebook pics mean he has feelings for her???



What! Babydoll and a burner phone. What else do you want to know about your husband? This sounds like the tip of the iceberg to me. 

Can you VAR his truck or VAR the house when he is home and then go out for a few hours so he can call her and you can hear his conversations? 

I think he's cheating on you in a big way. 

Sorry, this sounds like no good. And when he's begging and crying, don't believe him. Cheaters will say anything to have their cake and eat it too. Just sorry they get caught.


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## alwayshere (Apr 16, 2014)

The thing is, since I found out what was going on, he has promised it is over between them. He apologized, asked my forgiveness, and said he has no feelings for her and wants nothing more to do with her because he wants his marriage with me. I tried to believe that he meant business but after seeing that he is still looking at her pics, I believe there is something there. Maybe he isnt ready to give her up, I dont know. Am I wrong at jumping at the thought of ending the marriage? (there are many other problems and have been for a while). Are my thoughts going too far because I am hurt over this???


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

alwayshere said:


> The thing is, since I found out what was going on, he has promised it is over between them. He apologized, asked my forgiveness, and said he has no feelings for her and wants nothing more to do with her because he wants his marriage with me. I tried to believe that he meant business but after seeing that he is still looking at her pics, I believe there is something there. Maybe he isnt ready to give her up, I dont know. Am I wrong at jumping at the thought of ending the marriage? (there are many other problems and have been for a while). Are my thoughts going too far because I am hurt over this???


It could be that the pics are all he has left. That since he decided to end things, he would have to look at pictures to remember her at all.

And, are they still friends on FB? If they are, that needs to end, yesterday.


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## alwayshere (Apr 16, 2014)

He doesnt have a facebook account. He just google's her name and goes to her fb pics.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Perhaps, he needs to understand consequences for his actions. 

Seems he's sorry he got caught rather than an awakening of true remorsefulness. Looking at FB pics means there is no NC. 

Wanting a marriage with you does not mean FB pics of her. Likely, It's just a bit underground now.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

alwayshere said:


> I have a question about something I didnt mention here. When I found my H burner phone, the OW was in contacts listed as "babydoll". This was not to impress her because she would probably never see the phone. Does this indicate some kind of feelings he may have for her? Does that fact that he is still looking thru her facebook pics mean he has feelings for her???


Not good.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

alwayshere said:


> The thing is, since I found out what was going on, he has promised it is over between them. He apologized, asked my forgiveness, and said he has no feelings for her and wants nothing more to do with her because he wants his marriage with me. I tried to believe that he meant business but after seeing that he is still looking at her pics, I believe there is something there. Maybe he isnt ready to give her up, I dont know. Am I wrong at jumping at the thought of ending the marriage? (there are many other problems and have been for a while). Are my thoughts going too far because I am hurt over this???


No, you should serve him with divorce papers. He betrayed your trust in your marriage and you have every right. 

Of course he says he is sorry, what else is he going to say. This man needs some consequences to his actions. 

Do you want to be constantly checking up on him? 

First marriage?
Children?
Ages?
Are you working?


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

alwayshere said:


> The thing is, since I found out what was going on, he has promised it is over between them. He apologized, asked my forgiveness, and said he has no feelings for her and wants nothing more to do with her because he wants his marriage with me. I tried to believe that he meant business but after seeing that he is still looking at her pics, I believe there is something there. Maybe he isnt ready to give her up, I dont know. Am I wrong at jumping at the thought of ending the marriage? (there are many other problems and have been for a while). Are my thoughts going too far because I am hurt over this???


He's lying to you, but you must determine how much. You don't have your smoking gun yet. IMHO you need to wait just a little longer to see if it's something you can work through or if it justifies divorce. 

Stay in spy mode just a little while longer. Don't confront him prematurely... you seem to want to do this. Don't. If you make this mistake it will only prolong your pain. Do not use the threat of divorce to make him conform to what you want. 

Remember, mouth shut, eyes and ears wide open. You'll have your smoking gun soon if he's cheating. In the mean time try to get him to work on your marriage as if he is fully sincere. Then if you get satisfactory evidence he's cheating unleash the divorce papers on him without forewarning him. Good luck.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Rugs said:


> No, you should serve him with divorce papers. He betrayed your trust in your marriage and you have every right.
> 
> Of course he says he is sorry, what else is he going to say. This man needs some consequences to his actions.
> 
> ...


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Oops. Sorry about the above. 

Burner phone and Babydoll is a smoking gun to me.


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## alwayshere (Apr 16, 2014)

commonsenseisn't, you seem to understand what I am trying to say here and I like your advice. Thanks!!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I cant tell you I thought I had confronted my ex after I found his burner phone. He wasn't remorseful, more p*ssed that I found out. Things went downhill from there (but that's my problem not yours). IMO, your H told you what he thought you wanted to hear at the time to avoid any consequences. Does he still love you? How could we possibly know. Does he still want contact with OW-yes, or he would not be googling her. Will it go further-maybe yes, maybe no.

I can understand how being a truck driver can be isolating, but he could have reached out to you instead of OW. There are definitely problems in this relationship. Is MC an option?


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## alwayshere (Apr 16, 2014)

So...if he still has a burner phone I'm sure he will do better at hiding things, so I will never know. If all I get from the keylogger is that he continues to look at her pictures, where do I go from there?
He usually spends his time on the computer when I am at church. (he never goes with me), so he will have his chance on Sunday.
What does this say about it if he does this again this week and what should I do about it?


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Can you put a VAR in his truck?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you read HNHN?


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## alwayshere (Apr 16, 2014)

I wouldnt be able to do the VAR. What is HNHN??


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

His Needs Her Needs. It explains how to have a marriage so good he won't WANT to cheat.


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## CardReader (Aug 15, 2014)

Why can't you VAR? That would be the fastest way to find out.


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## alwayshere (Apr 16, 2014)

He is a truck driver and I dont always get a chance o get into the truck without him around. Even if I could I dont think I would be able to hide it so that he doesnt find it. You would think it would be easy in a truck like that but its not.


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## alwayshere (Apr 16, 2014)

Dont think the VAR would work anyway because of the CB and other noises from the truck. 

Supposing I can do nothing else, should I assume if he continues looking thru her FB page and pics, there is more going on and at that point I should make my decision on my marriage?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's really common for people in EAs to, when they have to give up the AP, to pine away for the person, for the 'loss' of what could have been, etc. - and yes, to follow them from afar (aka watch them on FB). 

If he's still doing it in 3 or 4 weeks, THEN you have a problem.


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## alwayshere (Apr 16, 2014)

I read a few of the texts she sent him (I never saw the ones HE sent). She said things like, "I cant stop thinking about you and holding you and making love to you". (keep in mind they have never met face to face...YET)

He says he didnt talk to her that way and that was all her. (obviously a lie because she also said she could not stop thinking about his incredible text). He eventually said, "ok I said some things I shouldnt have, but not like you think.

Is he lieing because he doesnt want to hurt me any more and really wants to move on, or is he just not done with her?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Remember-we have no way of knowing if he's lying or not.
All I can tell you is that my ex lied, alot, about everything. Does that mean every H in your situation is lying. No.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

alwayshere said:


> Dont think the VAR would work anyway because of the CB and other noises from the truck.
> 
> Supposing I can do nothing else, should I assume if he continues looking thru her FB page and pics, there is more going on and at that point I should make my decision on my marriage?



I would think a semi truck would have a lot of space under one of the seats...you could put a strip of velcro way up under the seat, and the other side on the VAR, use lithium batteries, set the record level so you don't get road noises activating it, and you'd be able to get several days worth of recordings

how about his regular car or truck when he is home? or does he make calls from a certain room at home (basement, office, maybe patio)


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

alwayshere said:


> "I cant stop thinking about you and holding you and making love to you". (keep in mind they have never met face to face...YET)


you sure they've never met? all that from text messaging? is your husband some kind of Shakespeare or something? 

so this woman is getting all hot over some truck driver she's never seen? bull

if he told you they never met, I'd bet it's a lie


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, given that text, I change my tune.

We all know he's lying. We all are 90% sure they've met. He is, after all, a TRUCK DRIVER.

Honestly, unless you're willing to go to the trouble of getting that VAR in his truck, you're either stuck never knowing and living with a cheater, or leaving him because he's untrustworthy.

The only other chance I see is if you tell him you want him to take a polygraph.

Oh, and you asked if he was lying to protect you from hurt? Yeah, right. And I've got a lake in the desert...He's a cheater and he lies to protect HIMSELF.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

OP, I see you started a second thread. It would be better if you kept it all in one thread. I understand you are feeling its a new topic, but it is really all you and it makes it easier for other posters who won't have to go back and forth.

And WS lie to protect themselves. If he were concerned about hurting you, he wouldn't have an EA, now would he. It was his choice.


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