# wife withdrawing - just want my best friend back



## feelinglost (Oct 24, 2008)

Hey

It has been 4 weeks now since my wife afficially withdrawn from our relationship. We are still staying in the same house. Tomite we are for the first time sleeping in diferent bedrooms.

The reason is spousal neglect.

Since we got married I thought i was doing the right thing going out there and gettin gmoney to pay the bills. al she wanted was me.

In the past week i have been doing so much soul searching. when all of this started I tried everything just. i tried barganing, anger, gfelt guilty but she stood strong. It is hard for me but she is only asking one thing from me and that is space and time. I have a 5 year old boy but my parents took him in a bit because they do not want him to feel what is happening in the house.

Tonite I had a breaktrhough though. I discovered that I never actually loved my self. Self validation is a mother and until I can feel self validated I was not even near ready to recieve her back. 

I actually discovered that because that is really the way I felt I never made her feel validated and only made her feel worse by making her feel guilty. If i can only go back a month and change things and tell myself to wake up. but I cant

I want her to be my best friedn again and go past this stage in our lifes where we are now. To do that i would like her to find her voice again. 

I just really hope that this thing will work out for the better because I really love her.

Any advice..... to soothe the pain


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I think that it is importan to work on yourself but also to look at what is the deep problem in the relationship too. You vaguely mention the issues with the relationship other than you don't love yourself.

If spousal neglect is the cause of the other issues you need to really think about it and what you can do to change.

draconis


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## CZandAFG (Oct 24, 2008)

Hey...give her space and if she really loves you, she will give you another chance! Promise


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## feelinglost (Oct 24, 2008)

Readin all the posts make me feel better but it still hurts.

We are seein a counselor at the moment and is still mostly having individaul session as each of us are dealing with diferent things in our life.

I am going into a bit of depression as it looks lke she does not needme in her life but I know that it is neccesary for her to do it.

I just hope that i have the strength to let her fully walk this journey that she needs. 

I want her to be happy and be in a space where she is comfortable but it is hard.I am now in everything that i do say that I can only validate myself. By doing that I am reminding myself that I can only help myself but it will also help me to give her the neccesary space for hers.

I love her and hope I have the strength for her.


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## elsid (Jan 12, 2009)

hey brother, looks like you and i are going through the same thing. about 4 weeks ago she came to me saying she felt neglected and has been thinking of leaving but needed space and time to think. there is nothing in the world i would think would be worse than her leaving. 

like you, i've gone through some stages. i've begged (for lack of better words) her to stay. i've tried reasoning "we have a son and we are a stable family" and i've gotten very angry and more sad. 

it's a tough time but you should know you're not alone. 

i stay very busy with work, i travel quite a bit but also have had some very serious problems in my family - my brother is a social worker turned crack addict...over a 3 year period he went from teaching a masters program at a major university, worked for our state legislature but somehow got hooked on crack and has since attempted suicide several times, robbed a bank, 3 convenient stores and is now sitting in jail waiting for his prison sentence...took a lot out of me and my ability to be a good husband. work alone can be stressful enough but add any outside troubles and life can become more and more difficult to deal with. i found that i was "escaping" my stress by just spending way too much time on my computer doing mindless stuff, like playing video games. my wife felt like i was leaving all of the household responsibilities to her plus i was completely absent when it came to showing any affection. 

like you, i've done some soul searching. what i've realized is she's right. i wish she would have brought it up before so i would have realized what i was doing long before it became a real problem but here we are bud. 

what should we do? well, i'll tell you what i'm doing and maybe you can take something from it. after some soul searching, i thought my problems are not easily resolved by myself so i started talking to a counselor. believe me, it helps. also, i am giving her the space she wants/needs right now. we are still living together and have not reached that point where we are sleeping in separate beds but we came close during my begging phase. we are talking much more openly since i came to the realization that begging and showing my emotions all the time is not good. 

the most important thing i think you should do is think about yourself. focus on being happy. determine what it is that scares you the most about losing her. yes, you love her, just like i love my wife, but it might end my friend (i hope not just like i hope my marriage doesn't end). you really need to focus on what makes you happy at the moment. if you are an active, athletic type of guy like me, get out and excersise, play some sports, do what you love to do. take your kid out to do whatever it is he likes to do. 

think about it like a delicate dance. the harder you push, the further she will back away. 

take some time to really focus on you and make sure you are happy and she might see what it is she fell in love with again. it might remind her that while there are some problems that need to be resolved, you are the man she wants to be with. it is human nature to think that the "grass is always greener somewhere else" but it is not too late to show her with actions (real and sincere actions) that it is not the case here. 

if you spend a lot of time groveling and panicking about losing her you are wasting your time. i did that too but what i realized is that not many people are really attracted to the guy who grovels and nothing productive ever gets done by the guy who panics. think about it for a minute, did your wife marry you because you were a confident and independent man who was happy or did she marry you because you were a sad case who needed her to hold your hand in order for you to make it through the day? i don't know your wife but i would have to assume it was choice number 1. 

you and i found ourselves in this crazy situation that seems out of our control. if we spend all of our time trying to win our wives back by begging, acting pathetic, throwing temper tantrums or anything along those lines, we can kiss them good-bye and return to bachelorhood feeling like a couple of real winners. our only other choice is to start healing, start focusing on what makes us happy - sure, we can hope for the best but i'll tell you what, if we succeed in making ourselves happy and she still leaves, we are already well on our way to recovery (if we succeed in making ourselves happy but she stays...well, that sounds like a win, win situation to me). 

i wish you the best my friend. see if your wife will join you for some good old fashioned marriage counseling...but remember, don't push too hard. 

another thing that sucks but is very important is be prepared. you might consider talking to a divorce lawyer to make sure you know how and where to protect yourself. i really hope it doesn't come to that but you put off protecting yourself and you might end up getting hurt even worse. i obviously don't know your situation (financial or otherwise) but you should consider it. i have, didn't like it a bit, just the thought of doing it seemed like i was throwing in the towel but it's part of taking care of yourself. 

most importantly, remember your son. be a good dad. surely he will sense what is going on but you and your wife must look out for his best interests.


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## ItsOnlyMe (Dec 22, 2008)

Add one more to your list, went through and am going through the same. She left 3.5 weeks ago to live with her aunt. I tried not calling for a few days, then she calls me. made excuses to come over to the house, which is up for sale now. So i moved most of her stuff into storage. She cries when we talk, syas she just needs her space, yet calls to check up on me every few days. She's in a full blown MLC and im trying to focus on myself now. But after 12 years of having a super clingy wife(which i liked the feeling of that) she one day work up and wanted space. There's more to it, Im not totally innocent in this, i had my communication issues also, and got lazy around the house. So, now im alone, my brother stays with me for now and i have to conciously tell myself to stop thinking about it. its like torture. and try to think ahead. Little by little i am dealing, but the phone calls from her i am going to have to avoid. i get all caught up in "that feeling" when she calls. Our daughter, whom will be 18 in a month has been uprooted from her life , her own room, her own things, her own life, and now shares a bed with her mother in her aunts single wide trailer, the bed that up until 5 weeks ago was her grandmothers bed (passed away on 12/21 but was in the hospital for 3 weeks prior.) wife Also now wears her granny's wedding band on the right hand and birthstone ring. And pretty much takes care of the house over there, like her granny. She was raised by her granny because her father divorced her mom, then her momm dumped her at her granny's. So Im dealing. And trying to look ahead.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

feelinglost said:


> The reason is spousal neglect.
> 
> Since we got married I thought i was doing the right thing going out there and gettin gmoney to pay the bills. al she wanted was me.


Give her the space she is asking for. To pursue her will only drive her further away. Don’t dote on her. You have stated that neglect is the reason for her withdrawal but a 180 will not wash with her. You must change yes, but don’t expect her to come back quickly. These things take time and patience. Show confidence when you deal with her. Let her know you are OK and are willing to work at the marriage. Let your actions speak for your intensions, not your words. Words will likely have little impact. Continue in professional counseling. If the home environment is calm and there is no verbal abuse bring your child back into the home. He needs his parents even if the marriage is on rocky ground. Good luck.


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## Nem10 (Apr 11, 2013)

elsid said:


> hey brother, looks like you and i are going through the same thing. about 4 weeks ago she came to me saying she felt neglected and has been thinking of leaving but needed space and time to think. there is nothing in the world i would think would be worse than her leaving.
> 
> like you, i've gone through some stages. i've begged (for lack of better words) her to stay. i've tried reasoning "we have a son and we are a stable family" and i've gotten very angry and more sad.
> 
> ...



Fantastic Post! 

I'm going through the same situation with my wife. She is withdrawing as she said that I've neglected her. I have had some issues that likely make her at least partially right. I've been in a mild depression for a very long time and this coupled with lack of intimacy has pushed her away. She warned me about a year ago and things got better for a while and then I got comfortable and forgot to address her needs. It's especially difficult when you know you had a warning and still didn't take it seriously. She is a pretty volatile person to live with which may also have subconsciously caused me to withdraw from her.


She is sleeping in the spare bed and trying to act as roommate like as possible, but still nice. We have our first counseling session scheduled for a week from now...it's going to be a long week. She has agreed to go to couples counseling but has said maybe a separation is in order if this doesn't work.


We have a 2.5 year old. I really am having a tough time wrapping my mind around losing my family and best friend. Each day feels like someone is repeatedly hitting you in the stomach. Exercise is probably the only thing that stops the physical and mental pain temporarily. I just wish there was a way to workout most of the day lol. Luckily I've got a great family around me that are very supportive.


I had a feeling that begging and getting overly emotional would be the wrong way to go with her and thankfully I've avoided it, for the most part. I'm going to try and move forward and focus on being happy and being as confident and "happy" around her as I can be and maybe she will come back.


It's good to know there are some others out there that have gone or are going through this. Thanks for the great advice elsid. I think it's the only thing we can do in this situation. Wait it out and be as confident and happy as possible without forcing the issue.


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

Guys I have been there around 2 months now. 2 weeks ago I found a affair on line my wife was having. Ive been through all the emotions above. All I can say is order the book No More Mister Nice Guy. Dr. Glover will shed light on why this is happening to you. I read it 3 times in the last 2 weeks. I feel much better. I still have anger/anxity/trust issues but im not going to let her know. My councilor says act happy and like its all good, and she will come around. We will see!


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

5 year old post. Really???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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