# Planned sex/rejection



## hopelesslove (Nov 2, 2012)

I've posted before about my sexless marriage frequency = twice a month at most. One of my major problems is that I like to plan to wear lingerie, candles, a passionate night so to speak. He has lately been a waking me up in the middle of the night for sex, when it happens. Which I like either way considering you take what you can get and he is considerate to make sure my needs are met when he does this, it's not just a quick romp. So I tried to plan a romanitc night for his birthday and he didn't want it. Another slap in the face for me. I just don't know if I should stop getting dressed up for him and how to deal with the rejection. I work myself up to "I look sexy, the mood is right at least for me, so he's going to want it". Then when he doesn't, it hurts like hell.


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## MrHappyHat (Oct 24, 2012)

How's the rest of your relationship? Do you wear the 'pants' in the relationship?

The reason I'm asking is that if he's not going for it when you're openly advertising, but goes after you other times, then maybe he's got some control/dominance issues with you...


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Any time you put yourself out there above the normal and get rejected it hurts.

I've done stuff in the past to put myself out there and get rejected, so you just want to do as little as possible, figuring if you're going to get turned down then why put a bunch of effort into it.

I feel your pain.


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## hopelesslove (Nov 2, 2012)

CharlieParker-In this situation it was that we already had it planned for after dinner but he started making excuses on the way home like he was tired, had a long day at work etc. I understood and just ditched the idea before I even got rejected. The problem was, he put me off all weekend because he wanted to "unwrap his present on his birthday". I felt that was kinda harsh to then reject me on his birthday. 

MrHappyHat- I can never initiate in the sex department. He's woken me up before and then just stopped. Actually this recently started happening. He said we don't have to go all the way all the time. I've convinced him otherwise but he definitely holds the cards ALL the time. I guess in everything in our relationship even though we both are equal as in work and providing. 

I can't be spontaneous because he's always rejecting. I can't plan it because it kills the mood for him and some of it for me. It's only when he wants it or not at all but I'm trying to make him want it more by being more alluring I guess you would say.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

Not to be blunt but, I think I'd give up my left testicle to have what you offer your husband.....lingerie, candles, passion, middle of the night wake ups for sex, I'm sick, lol. I think I would follow you around like a puppy dog kissing the ground you walk on. You are right, he is way wrong, plain and simnple.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Im guessing he has performance anxiety and doesnt like the pressure your expectations put on him so he keeps throwing water on the flames. 

Eventually you will resent the hell out of it. I would tell him its time for some open dialogue before the resentment kills your marriage


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

I can relate. I understand that, post-hysterectomy, my wife's hormones are in the basement, so I can usually deal with the frustration of her drive being low (or non-existent) and having to, um, take matters in my own hands. But, that makes it doubly maddening to have her indicate that she's gotten herself into the right mental state for sex, or outright offer it...only to have nothing come of it. Or to hear, "If I weren't so tired..." "If I didn't feel sick..." Etc.

Meanwhile, I also don't want lifeless "duty sex," either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Any time you put yourself out there above the normal and get rejected it hurts.
> 
> I've done stuff in the past to put myself out there and get rejected, so you just want to do as little as possible, figuring if you're going to get turned down then why put a bunch of effort into it.
> 
> I feel your pain.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

hopelesslove said:


> CharlieParker-In this situation it was that we already had it planned for after dinner but he started making excuses on the way home like he was tired, had a long day at work etc. I understood and just ditched the idea before I even got rejected. The problem was, he put me off all weekend because he wanted to "unwrap his present on his birthday". I felt that was kinda harsh to then reject me on his birthday.
> 
> MrHappyHat- I can never initiate in the sex department. He's woken me up before and then just stopped. Actually this recently started happening. He said we don't have to go all the way all the time. I've convinced him otherwise but he definitely holds the cards ALL the time. I guess in everything in our relationship even though we both are equal as in work and providing.
> 
> I can't be spontaneous because he's always rejecting. I can't plan it because it kills the mood for him and some of it for me. It's only when he wants it or not at all but I'm trying to make him want it more by being more alluring I guess you would say.


Does your husband have any erectile dysfunction? Anxiety about performance? Has he been tested for hormonal imbalance?


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## hopelesslove (Nov 2, 2012)

CharlieParker said:


> The birthday thing sucks. Something similar happened to me once (and thankfully only once), I asked her "you don't seem to be in the mood." No she says. "OK, I'll be in the bedroom for about 15 minutes, I'm glad we bought new lube." *How would it go over if you did something similar? *
> 
> While, yes, it's planned but agreeing "to set the alarm clock at little earlier" can be fun, anticipation is a good thing. You could go to the kitchen in PJ's to make coffee and come back with the coffee wearing something sexy.


Oh believe me I have. He doesn't seem to care. He will just stay in the computer room gaming and come to bed when he's done. If he needs to come in there sooner he will just knock.


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## hopelesslove (Nov 2, 2012)

He doesn't have ED. I don't think he has performance anxiety just seems to be LD. He doesn't want his T levels checked and I am really begining to resent him for this lacking element in our marriage. Trying really hard but need a partner that will meet me halfway because sex is really important to me.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

hopelesslove said:


> He doesn't have ED. I don't think he has performance anxiety just seems to be LD. He doesn't want his T levels checked and I am really beginning to resent him for this lacking element in our marriage. Trying really hard but need a partner that will meet me halfway because sex is really important to me.


Yes, it is important, and you do deserve a fulfilling, healthy sex life!

Sounds like it's time to lay it on the line; get honest with me about what's going on, work toward correcting this issue, or start looking for a new wife.


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## Jeapordy (Aug 12, 2012)

hopelesslove said:


> I am really begining to resent him for this lacking element in our marriage. Trying really hard but need a partner that will meet me halfway because sex is really important to me.


I completely understand but I don't have any suggestions for you. My wife has never met me half way when it comes to our sex life. Our sex life has been deteriorating for 10 years, and I have tried everything to get her more engaged. I feel like I'm doing 90% of the work when it comes to keeping our sex life alive, and she just shows up 3 times per month to satisfy her needs. If she dressed in lingerie for me without me begging and making me feel like I'm asking for a huge favor each time, I would be thrilled. 
I have a ton of resentment that has built up, and I've tried suggesting a MC, but she doesn't want to. She's in denial. 
So now I sit on my computer (on TAM) instead of going to bed with my wife because it is easier than dealing with the resentment.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> I've tried suggesting a MC, but she doesn't want to. She's in denial.


Well, have you tried what I did? Make her owe you something then coerce her to come to counselling unless she wants to make herself look like total selfish unfair b....

It worked, though your wife might still end up b-tching about it like mine but at least you get her to MC!


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

It sounds like performance anxiety or low testosterone to me. Was he always this way?

What would he do if you came into the family room to watch TV with him in a short t-shirt and panties...and asked him for a foot massage with your favorite lotion? This is a great way to get into the mood, and is outside of the bedroom....and when he is almost done, ask him to do your legs...and so on. What would he do?


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

I planned something very similar for my H's birthday. It was to arrive in the mail so I asked him to leave it for me to pick up. I thought it might be a nice way to be intimate with no pressure. A nice massage and we'll see where it goes. When he told me that I was being pushy about sex now (sexless for years wasn't quite enough!!) I returned the lingerie and other items d'amour. I really have no more desire to be told no when I've expended that much time and energy to make him feel good! I also had no intention of looking like a fool in a nice little number. NO THANK YOU SIR! He doesn't yet know there is nothing happening - not that anything was going to happen- so things could still get interesting. I will tell him when he asks.


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## hopelesslove (Nov 2, 2012)

I Notice The Details said:


> It sounds like performance anxiety or low testosterone to me. Was he always this way?
> 
> What would he do if you came into the family room to watch TV with him in a short t-shirt and panties...and asked him for a foot massage with your favorite lotion? This is a great way to get into the mood, and is outside of the bedroom....and when he is almost done, ask him to do your legs...and so on. What would he do?


I've done something similar to this before. He would probably just complain that I was interupting whatever he was doing. I've even come into the computer room in a towel after a shower smelling nice and perfumed. No he wasn't always this way. When we first met he'd make up excuses to get me out of my clothes and massage me. He still isn't always this way it just seems like the mood only strikes him to jump on me very very rarely. Even when I initiate he only occaisionly takes me up on my offer eagerly and when he does its sooo awesome. I just wish he would do it all the time and that he would initiate more. Throw a girl a bone....lol. That came out wrong.


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