# Sick of my husband's lack of initiative



## estrata (Aug 15, 2009)

We have been married for 11 years, one child and one on the way. Since having our first child I have come to realize how much more of a mother I am to my husband than a wife. 

I make all the decisions. I wear the pants. He doesn't do a thing without being told to. And I've tried. I'd let the lawn go wild for over a month. I don't make dinner and he ends up making himself a cheese sandwich and forgetting there are other people in the house. I tell him I want him to pay the bills and things start getting cut off. For about a year I was working full time and he was unemployed. He did not look for jobs. He did not clean. Oh, and when he finally got a job, I found it for him (while working fulltime myself). It was awful.

At the same time, if I tell him what to do, he'll do it - after treating me like an annoying nagging mother. He actually has a chore list. Though if I don't remind him, he won't do it.

And then it enters the bedroom. I have low sex drive, but I have told him countless times that if he just initiates I will happily participate. Surprise of surprise, he never initiates, then sits there moping because we don't have sex. I tell him "this is the one thing in our lives you have to be in charge of." He admits it's a problem. It doesn't change. And you know, it's hard being attracted to a man who acts like your teenage son. I'm a real mother now, I don't have time to be a mother to him as well.

He's seen a psychiatrist, but he doesn't even have the initiative to do what she says. And to be honest, it's just another person telling him what to do. Will he ever be capable of telling himself what to do?


----------



## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Probably not


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

He's been able to get this far in life acting like that. Why would he think he needs to change now?


----------



## homedepot (May 13, 2014)

One thing that will always be.... There are 3 sides to a story but based on your tone of typing(LOL) you seem like the independent woman that has emasculated your man and made him go into his shell.

Try a oral and F ing his brains out consistently for 2 weeks. Tell him you love and support your King and you may see a difference. If he isn't your King the you are wasting your time because you will be surprised how much of a boss he is with the other woman.

Not nice to kick your spouse when he or she is down.


----------



## homedepot (May 13, 2014)

Your LD and want to know why your hubby doesn't do anything? LOL. No one wants to initiate over and over with a LD Spouse. The words " I am LD but" don't belong in the same sentence hun.

Flame suit is ready guys.


----------



## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

I think homedepot has it right here. It's very difficult to initiate with an LD partner because even when you initiate, you know in the back of your mind that he/she really doesn't want it and is mostly doing it to please you/avoid an argument/keep things rolling smoothly, etc. I think the choice of words you use "if he just initiates I will happily participate" just about say it all here. Who can get passionate about somebody who "will participate"? Also, from the HD partner point of view, every time you initiate you risk (and mostly expect) a rejection, no matter how tactful it is. So, if the most he can hope for is a willing to participate partner or a rejection, it's no wonder he doesn't initiate. 

I think LD partners should also be aware that every time the HD partner gets rejected, it feels like one more nail in the coffin of the marriage. There comes a point when you just get so resigned to things being crap, it becomes not really worth it any more.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Well you married him, sorry but that is your lot in life. Why oh why did you have kids with him?

This man is not a prize catch but you must have had very low self esteem to have married him. Can't see this ever being fixable, you will either have to live like this forever or move on.


----------



## Tasty (Mar 3, 2014)

I think the real problem is with you. It's obvious you've told him a lot of what you wrote here. So, he believes and acts true to expectation (teenage son indeed!). Could you try another approach of telling him something else like telling him how blessed you are to have him, how your children benefit from his father figure, how you enjoy his lovemaking and look forward to it etc etc.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Tasty said:


> I think the real problem is with you. It's obvious you've told him a lot of what you wrote here. So, he believes and acts true to expectation (teenage son indeed!). Could you try another approach of telling him something else like telling him how blessed you are to have him, how your children benefit from his father figure, how you enjoy his lovemaking and look forward to it etc etc.


An interesting perspective. If you read The Surrendered Wife she talks about something similar. Basically if you stop mothering and hand over the reigns, then only when he has that freedom and responsibility will he step up.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

homedepot said:


> Your LD and want to know why your hubby doesn't do anything? LOL. No one wants to initiate over and over with a LD Spouse. The words " I am LD but" don't belong in the same sentence hun.
> 
> Flame suit is ready guys.


she does everything, and has to be mother to him, and you wonder why she is LD? There might be actually fire there, but she is too busy to kindle it.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WandaJ said:


> she does everything, and has to be mother to him, and you wonder why she is LD? There might be actually fire there, but she is too busy to kindle it.


I find the posts saying that it's all her fault, she emasculated him, yada yada to be "funny". 

If he were an emotionally mature man he would be pulling his own in every way in their marriage. He would not be leaving everything up to her.

He is responsible for his behaving like a kid... not her.

A guy who acts like this is a HUGE turn off. Why would she want sex with him?


----------



## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> An interesting perspective. If you read The Surrendered Wife she talks about something similar. Basically if you stop mothering and hand over the reigns, then only when he has that freedom and responsibility will he step up.


As someone who was preached that repeatedly at our former church, and lived it, I can tell you - this is crap. Despite what the "red pill poppers" want to tell you - not every man is indeed inherently equipped emotionally or mentally (let alone physically) to be an Alpha. They aren't kept down by "mothering" they just don't have it in them. 

And when you let go of the wheel and expect they'll magically start driving - sometimes what happens is that - then no one is holding the wheel.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Ok. So how do you know whether any specific man has it in him?


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Ok. So how do you know whether any specific man has it in him?



just look for a partner, and steer that wheel together.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Sounds like a guy that has been "broken in" early on in life, like a workhorse or a steer. Emasculated and intellectually castrated, and no longer realizes any purpose. This doesn't happen due to one person alone but rather a set of factors over the course of his life.

I shudder reading descriptions of men like this, because it is too easy for me to relate. Though for me my guilt has always prevented me from reaching that innefectual state.

I don't know if you can ever change him OP, there is a lot of damage in him. But you can recognize that he likely has a sense that he is only a shell of the true person he could have been. I don't know if he will mature in time to make the corrections or if he will just continue to subsist in his dependant state. It is probably beyond just a mental state when he is so far gone.

But all I can advise to you, is to drop the resentment because it isn't doing either of you any good. Accept him how he is now, and unhinge your emotional state from his actions or inactions. If he doesn't work as a partner, then tell him why and separate, but do it without anger or spite.


----------



## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Ok. So how do you know whether any specific man has it in him?


I'd say if you don't have the self-motivation to get a job and take care of the bills when stuff starts getting shut off, then you not only lack Alpha potential but a basic instinct for survival.


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

homedepot said:


> One thing that will always be.... There are 3 sides to a story but based on your tone of typing(LOL) you seem like the independent woman that has emasculated your man and made him go into his shell.
> 
> Try a oral and F ing his brains out consistently for 2 weeks. Tell him you love and support your King and you may see a difference. If he isn't your King the you are wasting your time because you will be surprised how much of a boss he is with the other woman.
> 
> Not nice to kick your spouse when he or she is down.


funny, i came to the same conclusion, but a different path suggestion. completely dominate him. tell him what to do and when. Become his dominatrix. make him wear the clothing you want, make him clean as you want him, make him give you sex on a very controlled basis. Get a kinky dominatrix outfit to wear, some riding crops and other toys to play with his body. Make the transformation of him complete, humiliate him for your own sexual pleasure.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

By your own admission you are LD, which, to me, means you are less interested in sex (intimacy) than he is. Presumably, he did not have to drag you to the wedding, so why should he be the only person initiating sex? His wife treats him like he is lazy, irresponsible, undependable, not sexually desirable. If he does independently decide to do something, does his wife reward that behavior with appreciation, affection, or respect or are his efforts more likely to be corrected or criticized? Reward the behavior you want and quit rewarding behavior you don't like. If you don't want him to act like a child, quit treating him like one. If you want him to behave like a man, treat him like one, expect him to behave like one, and praise his efforts when he tries. No man can feel confident while being nagged or while begging for affection. A man who doesn't feel confident is very unlikely to excel at much of anything.


----------



## homedepot (May 13, 2014)

Please accept my apologies OP. I had a very bad day(Friday) and I am man enough to apologize on a forums. I didn't want to come off so harsh. Here goes the edited post.


You have hurt the pride and confidence in your hubby. Being a man that has to be strong when needed, soft when needed, pushed and pulled all day is hard. Your hubby is at rock bottom and not having his beautiful wife encouraging him "GENUINELY" hurts.

Even Alpha's have feelings.


----------



## estrata (Aug 15, 2009)

Starstarfish said:


> And when you let go of the wheel and expect they'll magically start driving - sometimes what happens is that - then no one is holding the wheel.


This is exactly what has happened, again and again. When I find out our bills are three months overdue do I have another choice but to take over... again?

I do tell him he is a wonderful father, because as long as he manages to stay away from video games and TV he _is_ a great father. But I am not going to tell a lie that is obvious to both of us and say he is my "king". Maybe a shallow man would swallow this but I doubt anyone rational would take this as anything other than a lie-to-his-face insult. 

I find the posts advising "not to mother him" but "praise him when he does what you want" confusing. What is your definition of mothering? Most of what I do is praise him, I find any pathetic little reason to praise him and do it with all my heart. "Thank you for cleaning the dishes," "thank you for putting to groceries away," "thank you for taking the garbage out." 

And when it gets to the point when I'm going to bed at 8pm with my son because I'm in the third trimester and I've been chasing him all day, and my husband spends the rest of the night (until 12:30am) sitting in our pig sty of a house watching TV instead of lifting a finger to help... what exactly should I praise? Is your honest recommendation to ignore his behavior, get up and waddle around cleaning the house when I can barely stand up, just to avoid nagging him? Is this going to help either of us? When this happened a few nights ago, I (mother that I am) broke down in tears and told him to pack up the damn TV and put it in the laundry room. So the next night he watches the Kindle for god-knows-how-long. 

Evidently everyone thinks he will never change. I tend to be in agreement. I agree I made a mistake in marrying a man-child. But since I will not separate my son from his father, is my only option to always be a mother to my husband?


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Sick of my husband's lack of initiative*



estrata said:


> Most of what I do is praise him, I find any pathetic little reason to praise him and do it with all my heart. "Thank you for cleaning the dishes," "thank you for putting to groceries away," "thank you for taking the garbage out."


These are not pathetic little reasons at all. If they were, then your heartfelt gratitude is disingenuous and it wouldn't be such a big deal when the place was a mess. You clearly have all kinds of resentment that is preventing you from truly appreciating any effort he actually does put in, and because of his broken state of being any sense he has that he is nothing but a letdown only keeps him suppressed. I'm not putting blame on you for his state at all, I'm merely suggesting that if you were putting all your heart into the praise you give him then you wouldn't have used the words "pathetic little reason" to diminish the necessary tasks your H is struggling to be driven to do.


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Actually, she did let go of the wheel and nothing was accomplish.

How can you feel desire for a person you feel more like a mother too?

The fact is that he could be just lazy, and immature.


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Does he praise her in return for feeding him, and taking care of him?

It is a two way street, or does he just expect it?

I will wait for her answers


----------



## estrata (Aug 15, 2009)

No, I receive no praise unless I actually ask for it. As in "did you see how clean the basement is?" His response "oh yeah, I noticed when I came in."

I say pathetic reasons because I'm POed right now. I do not treat them as pathetic, I am sincere at the time. Praise honestly has no effect. In fact, I think it makes him feel he's doing "enough" and helps him ignore the rest of what needs to be done - the things I don't specifically ask. I do praise, a lot, and I don't think it's helpful. I think praise and nagging go hand-in-hand. They are both the feedback of a mother, and give him more license to act like a child. If he lived on his own, who would praise him if he did the dishes? An adult shouldn't need constant praise to do the things that need doing. Like I said, I certainly don't get praised for making dinner every night (quite the opposite, he always wants takeout even though I have to say I'm a damn good cook - this is a man who's toddler son eats more vegetables than he does). But that doesn't stop me from doing what needs to be done.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

how exactly do you praise him? I think there is a difference between rewarding mediocrity and acknowledging someone's efforts. If I were to suggest you praise him, it's only when you believe he's done something you admire, and to allow him to feel a sense of pride. However if he feels like his work is done for the day after accomplishing one single task, then he needs to gradually increase the bar he sets for himself.

People could offer all kinds of advice to you on how to go about helping him (it is after all something only he can have the power to change), but you've already decided that working at improving this is too much like raising a child and you've set both of you up to fail, I don't think you want him to succeed at this point forward since it validates the justifiable reason for your discontent. When a man loses the respect of his W it is near impossible to ever earn it back.

Put any preconceived notions you have about the "proper" dynamics a relationship "should" have aside, and only care about what works for YOUR relationship if you actually want the marriage to ever be mutually fulfilling.


----------

