# How do you let go when you know there is no chance of reconciliation



## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

Today my lawyer is filing for dissolution of marriage on my behalf. My husband will be served sometime this week. I've been riding a wave of emotions since last week, mostly anger towards my husband for not fighting to save our marriage. 

I realize he never will so now it's time to let go, but I can't get past the heartache. Sometimes I lay in bed and wish that once I close my eyes and that would be it...I would never wake-up to feel the pain and sadness inside. But that's not reality. 

I know in time the pain and sadness will subside, but until then I need try and keep my head above the water and tread these rocky waves. 

How do you cope with realization that your marriage is over?


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Get mad. Value yourself. Realize that there are good people out there (friends, family, potential partners some day) who would NEVER treat you so horribly. Fill your life with those good people. Let your new life eclipse your old life. 

It is a grieving process. I know it's hard, but in a way, your husband being clear about not saving the marriage (even if he's a cake eating jerk who won't file himself) is a gift. It frees you to have a GOOD life without him. 

Don't internalize his lack of effort as some judgement on your worth. This is on HIM. Not you.

This post might help you. Five Things That Keep You Stuck With a Cheater


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

momma2four said:


> Today my lawyer is filing for dissolution of marriage on my behalf. My husband will be served sometime this week. I've been riding a wave of emotions since last week, mostly anger towards my husband for not fighting to save our marriage.
> 
> I realize he never will so now it's time to let go, but I can't get past the heartache. Sometimes I lay in bed and wish that once I close my eyes and that would be it...I would never wake-up to feel the pain and sadness inside. But that's not reality.
> 
> ...


Join a gym and work out. It will release feel good chemicals and will also build your confidence. 

People who work out feel more confident and strong. 

Also, as Chumplady said, get mad not sad. 

Also, think about the fact that you really aren't losing any one worthwhile. 

A cheater is a liar, a deceiver, often a thief stealing marital assets to fund deceitful behaviors and self centered and selfish. 

So think about that and realize that there are better people out there.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

momma2four said:


> How do you cope with realization that your marriage is over?


For me, the day I realized that our marriage was finally over was the day I woke up and said "I WANT THE DIVORCE". I woke up feeling that it was not me giving him the divorce because HE wanted it, it was because of me realizing that I didn't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to be lied to and cheated on anymore. Most of all, I deserved RESPECT. Any person who would not cherish or value you and the marriage, does not deserve you. It took me 3.5 months from D-Day to realize it. I'm glad I woke up and saw the light when I did.


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## TroubledInMI (Sep 4, 2012)

Looks like I'm the first man who's chimed in here, so let me start with saying my heart aches for you. It aches for me too, because I'm coming to the same point. I so desperately want my marriage to work out, and she so desperately doesn't seem to give a sh*t. I want to be angry, but I'm just so very, very sad right now. But if anything has become clear from my nearly constant perusal of these threads, is that people overcome this every day. If he loved you a fraction as much as you loved him, he would fight for it.

So you and me, we're gonna be just fine. Not today. Probably not tomorrow. But we will be. You hang in there.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I am so sorry you are suffering through this.

Be sad. Feel what you feel. Don't wallow in it though. 

Do things you enjoy. Things you couldn't do when you were together.

I think exercising is very important when we are emotionally off. It will also make you feel better about yourself no matter what is going on.

*hugs*


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

Thanks everyone for your post and advice. I know that I don't want to live with a serial cheater any longer, and that this is the RIGHT thing to do for myself and my children. 

When I am alone, I think of my whole situation and the sadness kicks in. I guess that's when I need to come back to this post and read it again. I refuse to let him see me cry. Now that my kids are home from school, I don't have time to dwell on this mess. 

Chumplady thanks for this post. It sure does strike a cord.


chumplady said:


> This post might help you. Five Things That Keep You Stuck With a Cheater


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Time. And TAM, of course. We'll be here for you.


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## life.is.pain (Aug 28, 2012)

Your mind and heart will eventually let you know when to give up. It takes time but when you realize its best to quit beating a dead horse, you will start to feel stronger. Time does heal all wounds, and life goes on. The people here on TAM are of great help.

They have been of very great help to me in my relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Sadness is completely normal. You're grieving and grief is hard work.


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## Daisy82 (Sep 4, 2012)

For me, I knew it was over when I started to change my behaviors in the marriage and not in a good way! I didn't like the person I was becoming!

History: We've been married for almost 8 years. He is a serial cheater but his big affair was exposed just days before our 3rd wedding anniversary. I tried for years to "get over" his affair but the truth is, his affair changed me. And that's when I knew I had to leave. So here we are, 5 years later and I meet with my attorney on Thursday to file.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

Daisy82 said:


> For me, I knew it was over when I started to change my behaviors in the marriage and not in a good way! I didn't like the person I was becoming!
> 
> History: We've been married for almost 8 years. He is a serial cheater but his big affair was exposed just days before our 3rd wedding anniversary. I tried for years to "get over" his affair but the truth is, his affair changed me. And that's when I knew I had to leave. So here we are, 5 years later and I meet with my attorney on Thursday to file.


((Hugs)) Daisy. Good luck.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Remind yourself that you were a complete, valuable, interesting human being before marriage and that with or without some guy, you still are. Get reaquainted with yourself.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Be constructive, active, and working on a better you. 

I self medicated with alcohol for the better part of a month, and that was just self destructive. 

It's difficult, but just focus on all the blessings you have in your life and focus on them. Exercise, exercise, exercise. 

Yesterday instead of grabbing a beer, I grabbed my running shoes and went for a run (it didnt go very far, but i felt a lot better after than i did after a few cold ones).


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## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Remind yourself that you were a complete, valuable, interesting human being before marriage and that with or without some guy, you still are. Get reaquainted with yourself.


Hard to do but so true...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It is hard to do but it's necessary. For years you have developed a vision of yourself as a fiance', then a wife, then a mother, then unhappily married, now divorced. None of that is who you are. Those were your circumstances. Who are you? Do you even remember? What do you like? What do you dream about? What are your special gifts to the world? Maybe a marriage died, but you didn't. The world is one huge cycle of deaths and births. Forests have to burn. Animals and trees have to die. These deaths enrich the soil so life comes back fresh, stronger, more vibrant. You had a long term relationship. It died. You learned and grew through the experience. Reflecting upon it, you'll grow even more. Whatever and whomever you become, it'll be more and better than you were.


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## sham1024 (Apr 30, 2012)

I thought that all I was began with my 20yr marriage and my 3 children. When my marriage ended with me filing for divorce 6mth ago because my husband cheated on me with prostitutes and thought he had HIV. I seriously at times thought of going back to him, because I had no love for myself. I have been in counseling for 6 mths and now I know I deserve a better life and future and I am a good person that got burned bad. The bad days are less frequent now my 20th wedding anniversary was spent with my girlfriends. When I see my STBX now I feel nothing inside,not even hate so I know that its time to move on.


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## Daisy82 (Sep 4, 2012)

sham1024 said:


> . When I see my STBX now I feel nothing inside,not even hate so I know that its time to move on.


Part of my decision to file for divorce is because I'm so tired of feeling hate! I know we are just beginning a long, difficult and painful journey but I hope in the end the hate will go away. If not then all this additional pain is for nothing.


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