# EX insisting on having contact with my family



## ratrod1971 (Aug 20, 2014)

Quick history. Ex pursued divorce and it was completed in 2012. Two children ages 7 and 5. Ex has kept tabs on my private life via online stalking by using fake social media profiles, asking friends of mine and even befriending ladies I've been talking to. She has also insisted on maintaining contact with my family and bad mouthing me to family. I have limited contact to only co parenting and even though she has stated she feels that we shouldn't have mutual friends she continues to insist on being friends with my family members. She has recently caused drama within my family by insisting on going to my sister's wedding and when I and my mother expressed displeasure to my sister my ex became verbally abusive to myself and my mother accusing us of immaturity and being undeserving of having my sister in our lives since we didn't want her at the wedding. I'm at loss on how to handle her seemingly controlling behavior and push her out of my private life. I've taken the steps of changing privacy settings on all my social media and asking friends and family to avoid discussing me should they communicate with her. She has a live in bf who has been living with her since before the divorce and claims to have moved on however it seems that she still spends time keeping tabs on me. I would like insight into whether there is something I'm doing or not doing that is causing her to feel the need to keep tabs on me. I do tolerate things that I feel I shouldn't for the sake of my kids as I fear that she will use them to hurt me. Recent example is her telling my kids that she was extremely sad and cried because I hurt her feelings by not wanting her to go to the wedding. Thanks for your insight.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

She is WAY out of line. You need to have a serious talk with your family about not allowing her contact any more. You should be their priority, not her. 

I dont know, maybe you should start documenting her behavior and get authorities involved.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

Short of telling your family and friends to choose her or you and then carrying through with excluding them from your life, the only alternative is to document the stalking and involve the authorities as 3x said.


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## ratrod1971 (Aug 20, 2014)

Well I am glad to hear that I'm not being crazy in feeling that she shouldn't wish to engage with my family. The fact that my sister was willing to have her at her wedding is another issue. I am not sure why she would want to invite her but I think that it was in part my sister's desire to have my ex see me with my new gf. The ex on the other hand I believe had a desire to attempt to rub the bf in my face and to get under my skin. I worry that I'm allowing her to get under my skin just by engaging in having to ask my family to not invite her to family events.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She's no longer part of your extended family if you don't want her to be. Your wishes matter. Hers don't.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Open your mouth and tell her to butt out of your family and let her know to keep her obnoxious comments to herself.

Next thing I would do is tell sis to start using the common sense that God gave her and remind her that she's no longer your wife and her lack of thinking is causing everyone grief.

Most of all if she keeps harassing you, then call the cops and file a complaint.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

ratrod1971 said:


> Quick history. Ex pursued divorce and it was completed in 2012. Two children ages 7 and 5. Ex has kept tabs on my private life via online stalking by using fake social media profiles, asking friends of mine and even befriending ladies I've been talking to. She has also insisted on maintaining contact with my family and bad mouthing me to family. I have limited contact to only co parenting and even though she has stated she feels that we shouldn't have mutual friends she continues to insist on being friends with my family members. She has recently caused drama within my family by insisting on going to my sister's wedding and when I and my mother expressed displeasure to my sister my ex became verbally abusive to myself and my mother accusing us of immaturity and being undeserving of having my sister in our lives since we didn't want her at the wedding. I'm at loss on how to handle her seemingly controlling behavior and push her out of my private life. I've taken the steps of changing privacy settings on all my social media and asking friends and family to avoid discussing me should they communicate with her. She has a live in bf who has been living with her since before the divorce and claims to have moved on however it seems that she still spends time keeping tabs on me. I would like insight into whether there is something I'm doing or not doing that is causing her to feel the need to keep tabs on me. I do tolerate things that I feel I shouldn't for the sake of my kids as I fear that she will use them to hurt me. Recent example is her telling my kids that she was extremely sad and cried because I hurt her feelings by not wanting her to go to the wedding. Thanks for your insight.


Well guess we know why you are divorced from this harpy huh?


I know you won't want to hear this but here it goes. Your x is who she is but she is the outsider. The real problem here is with your family and why they would still be in contact with her. I mean this is a choice and one the family members are making, the sister in particular. Do you know why they would do this?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> Well guess we know why you are divorced from this harpy huh?
> 
> 
> I know you won't want to hear this but here it goes. Your x is who she is but she is the outsider. The real problem here is with your family and why they would still be in contact with her. I mean this is a choice and one the family members are making, the sister in particular. Do you know why they would do this?


BPD or NPD whatever she is nuts and her bf will figure that out.
Remind your family she is your ex wife.:scratchhead:


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

ratrod1971 said:


> Quick history. Ex pursued divorce and it was completed in 2012. Two children ages 7 and 5. Ex has kept tabs on my private life via online stalking by using fake social media profiles, asking friends of mine and even befriending ladies I've been talking to. She has also insisted on maintaining contact with my family and bad mouthing me to family. I have limited contact to only co parenting and even though she has stated she feels that we shouldn't have mutual friends she continues to insist on being friends with my family members. She has recently caused drama within my family by insisting on going to my sister's wedding and when I and my mother expressed displeasure to my sister my ex became verbally abusive to myself and my mother accusing us of immaturity and being undeserving of having my sister in our lives since we didn't want her at the wedding. I'm at loss on how to handle her seemingly controlling behavior and push her out of my private life. I've taken the steps of changing privacy settings on all my social media and asking friends and family to avoid discussing me should they communicate with her. She has a live in bf who has been living with her since before the divorce and claims to have moved on however it seems that she still spends time keeping tabs on me. I would like insight into whether there is something I'm doing or not doing that is causing her to feel the need to keep tabs on me. I do tolerate things that I feel I shouldn't for the sake of my kids as I fear that she will use them to hurt me. Recent example is her telling my kids that she was extremely sad and cried because I hurt her feelings by not wanting her to go to the wedding. Thanks for your insight.


Restraining order


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Wolf1974 said:


> I know you won't want to hear this but here it goes. Your x is who she is but she is the outsider. The real problem here is with your family and why they would still be in contact with her. I mean this is a choice and one the family members are making, the sister in particular. Do you know why they would do this?


:iagree:

I have a great relationship with my Ex In-laws - but I don't bad mouth my Ex or stir up drama.

Hard to understand why your family continues to engage your Ex.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

nice777guy said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I have a great relationship with my Ex In-laws - but I don't bad mouth my Ex or stir up drama.
> 
> Hard to understand why your family continues to engage your Ex.


You may have to get your attorney involved with this one and talk to your family why they are even dealing with her.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

As the others have said... The issue isn't your ex. It's your family who's at fault here. If they shut her down, there would be no problem. I suspect a restraining order wouldn't be possible if your family wants a relationship with her. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

There is a general rule for human interaction: you can only control what you can control. It seems, based on what you have written, that you have taken the necessary steps to limit her access. I would recommend a book titled _Co-Parenting Works! Working Together To Help Your Children Thrive_ by Tammy Daughtry. It gives guidance on how to deal with an ex-wife even when she isn't wanting to be cooperative. The only thing I would feel the need to respond to is anything she does that involves your children where she tries to shed a negative light upon you. That's not fair to the children in any way.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I'm just rehashing what most everyone said already:

Things you can control:
1. Tightening up privacy on your social media (you should be doing this anyway)
2. Documenting the behavior and when it's interfering with your life you can take the steps to go after a restraining order against these activities.

Things you can't control:
Anything related to other people. For that YOU need to establish good boundaries with your family. If it's making you uncomfortable, you need to tell your family that, then you need to buck up and make the decision with whether you can handle it, and if not, let them know that you won't associate with them if they opt not to respect your feelings.

If your family is picking your ex over you to your own personal detriment, you will do better not associating with them anyway.


Secondary question. You're saying that she's contacting females you're talking to. How does she know who you're talking to? Is she following you around or is this social media stuff?


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

This is simple, family chooses her or you, end of!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Family events are not everyday. Just stay calm. Maintain the distance. Since you co-parent there is no magic means of getting her to vanish.

If she is BPD or NPD, you are not done with this trouble. If her current relationship goes to the dogs, things may get worse.

Learn to humor her. Throw her a bone now and again. When she acts up, give her the cold shoulder for awhile. 

How do you work custody?
Alimony?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Oh my. I see some have already thrown out the personality disorders and that is absolutely what I see. Although my ex had no interest (because they weren't on his 'side') he certainly DID keep tabs on me. Insists he did not but he printed out every post I made to a web site for fans of a radio show to discuss the topic of the day. He drove by the rental house I lived in (I even have a video tape of it and he STILL denies it). He even hired a PI to follow me on a date and record my car was there all night. BTW our kiddo was with him. I'm an adult and we were done. No reason I couldn't.

And it's been hellish off and on. In fact, when it's NOT hellish I get a little nervous wondering when the next BOOM will hit.

I agree with most of what has been recommended here.
- set boundaries - social media with family and friends, et. Let them know in no uncertain terms that she is stalking and threatening you and talking badly about you to the kids.
- document EVERYTHING. Everything. Keep a journal or even just email yourself when stuff goes on. Keep kids' drawings, school work, etc. You never know whether you'll prove you are a GOOD parent or prove she's a BAD parent. Either way you need to be prepared.
- Involve the authorities. Clear enough.
- DO NOT ENGAGE. It doesn't matter whether or not you have to meet her in person or not. Keep to the facts, try to keep to email if you can so you have a record of what was agreed upon or information that was shared.
- Get your children into counseling. Even if it's once a month. If your ex is telling them bad things about you it helps them cope, gives them a safe outlet to share their concerns or to vent and lastly, if need be, gives you someone to testify in court that the kids aren't afraid of you, that you haven't abused them, etc. etc.

I hope this doesn't sound scary but I was naive for a very long time. I kept taking the high road, thinking after court things could finally settle into a routine - they did. A routine of his secretly denigrating me. Making her keep secrets, lying to her about me, making her fear me, disrespect me. I never thought all of the things I did would be needed - it just felt better to be prepared. Instead I DID need them. He filed for custody with all sorts of crazy allegations so it was good that a counselor could say she wasn't afraid of me, it was good I had drawings that said "I love you, Mommy" and emails from him of long tirades against everything he thought I did wrong.

Best to prepare and not need it. REassure your kids they can tell you anything. I went wrong by confronting ex about it telling him to stop telling her lies about me and keep her out of it. Because after that she clammed up when she was 5 and said she couldn't talk about "Dad's personal business" (yeah, what kid uses that verbiage). Keep it to yourself, document, reassure them you'll always be honest. Pick up the book Divorce Poison by Richard Warshack. It's a great guide as to how to handle an ex who keeps putting the kids in the middle and using them for retaliation. 

Most healthy parents won't do that. It's usually the ones with personality disorders that get so focused on revenge, what you 'did' to them, etc. that are so unhealthy they are willing to compromise the emotional well-being of the kids to get back at the other parent.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Sounds like my ex-wife almost exactly. 

A firm boundary will help all this. Amplified by direct truth in terms of how you handle things with your kids if its ever brought up. 

Some counseling will help.


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