# One night stands/rape fantasy/cheating



## Tryingtobreath (Jan 2, 2013)

Upon getting to know exwife, she talk about having rape fantasies. She also talked about her past 
one night stands. One ONS she talked about was where she didn't want sex, but the guy "kinda just made me".

I recently divorced her due to discovering a 2 year long affair with a married man who lived 1000 miles away. Coworker at another plant. 

My question is this: Are there any other men who have wives with a history one night stands and a professed rape fantasy?

I'm starting to think there is a correlation between rape fantasy and one night stands.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Not a guy here. But no I don't think there is a correlation. That is your wife's thing.


----------



## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

I don't think there is a correlation. I think your ex is disturbed and has issues ...one of which is fidelity. The rape fantasies of hers may be her subconscious acting on what little conscience she has and taking the form of a destructive act against her. I'm no shrink, but maybe she fantasizes this way to punish herself. 

FWIW


----------



## Tryingtobreath (Jan 2, 2013)

Here's the way I see it: She gets herself into a makeout type thing, and bc of the fantasy she doesn't say no to sex. The one night stand occurs.

I noticed that sometimes during sex with us, she would softly yelled "noooo!" during sex. Real softly.. almost as if she was recreating in her mind I was raping her, but she didn't want me to hear it. The sex was always pretty normal.

So, I guess I think perhaps there is a link with SOME women who like one night stands and rape fantasy.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Rape fantasies are fairly common for women. A recent study found that 62% of female undergraduate students had rape fantasies. 14% of women reported a rape fantasy at least once a week. Of those women, only 9% categorized the fantasy as completely aversive. 46% were both erotic and aversive and 45% were completely erotic.

What isn't proven is the connection between rape fantasy and infidelity, or specifically one-night stands. It's certainly plausible that your wife wanted to act out her fantasy of rape by putting herself in situations where rape was possible. But I don't know that the fantasy itself had any causative effect on her being unfaithful. Many women who have the fantasies just want their husbands to role play with them. And many women don't want to act out their fantasies at all.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Point 1 Women want sex.

Point 2 Women have been taught since girlhood to say 'no' to sex. Smarter parents tell the to say no until they meet a guy to whom they want to say yes.

Some girls probably sublimate that to mean they should say no...until someone 'makes them' (and they gleefully look for someone to make them because see point 1) See, they are good girls! They are saying 'no'! They can't help it if that tall dark stranger comes up behind her, grabs her upper arms, presses himself against her and starts whispering forbidden things in her ear...


----------



## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

JCD said:


> Point 1 Women want sex.
> 
> Point 2 Women have been taught since girlhood to say 'no' to sex. Smarter parents tell the to say no until they meet a guy to whom they want to say yes.
> 
> Some girls probably sublimate that to mean they should say no...until someone 'makes them' (and they gleefully look for someone to make them because see point 1) See, they are good girls! They are saying 'no'! They can't help it if that tall dark stranger comes up behind her, grabs her upper arms, presses himself against her and starts whispering forbidden things in her ear...


This sounds about right.


----------



## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

I think it's tricky ground trying to understand her rape fantasies, why she had ONSs and how she really felt when she was forced to do sexual things. Even if it were possible for you two to explore these things together, I think that you might never be able to understand. I may not know much about women but I do know that this is a very complicated area.

So trying to achieve this understanding through others is likely to be futile.


----------



## shootingstar (Jan 1, 2013)

Hmm... My husband told me he had a rape fantasy..(well kinda) now he says he was just joking. But, at the time, he wanted me to pretend I didn't know him, he put handcuffs on me(Oh no.) I just thought the whole thing was funny.(Obviously rape isn't funny)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Good question.

I have know a few women who have had rape fantasies.
I don't that there is a connection with ONS though.

I view female rape fantasies in the same way I view male submissive fantasies.
Both of them are " inversely correlated " to real life experiences, IMO.


----------



## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> Good question.
> 
> I have know a few women who have had rape fantasies.
> I don't that there is a connection with ONS though.
> ...


I think JCD described it the best in his above post. Women are still being shamed for having sex. I've come to realize all of those alpha male posts aren't about strong men, they're about men who are able to sleep with a lot of women and are being glorified. A woman who sleeps with a lot of men is considered a s1ut. 

So a rape fantasy takes the responsibility off the female for being a "bad girl." Of course the rape fantasy goes like this:

Extremely handsome man desires you so much he stalks you, rips your clothes off and forces you to have sex. 

(In real life, rape isn't like that at all.)


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I enjoy some "Rape fantasies" ....I love the idea of High LUST where the man is so caught up in it, he can't contain or control himself....That's very Erotic. My husband struggles pulling that off in the bedroom....he's always been more the sensual "making love" pleaser type ....

He's been my one & only -we've been together 30+ years...yet I can't deny I've ALWAYS enjoyed Romance Novels that capture this sort of story line ~ since my youth. 

Women's Rape Fantasies: How Common? What Do They Mean? 



> Rape or near-rape fantasies are central to romance novels, one of the perennial best-selling categories in fiction. These books are often called "bodice-rippers" and have titles like Love's Sweet Savage Fury, which imply at least some degree of force. In them, *a handsome cad becomes so overwhelmed by his attraction to the heroine that he loses all control and must have her, even if she refuses--which she does initially, but then eventually melts into submission, desire, and ultimately fulfillment.*
> 
> Romance novels are often called "porn for women." Porn is all about sexual fantasies. In porn for men, the fantasy is sexual abundance--eager women who can't get enough and have no interest in a relationship. *In porn for women as depicted in romance novels, the fantasy is to be desired so much that the man loses all control, though he never actually hurts the woman, and in the end, marries her.*


He loves when I come after him like that.. he says "rape" ..."rape"... 

A little fantasy is very enjoyable...but having a ONS...to fulfill this...Never...that would be utterly unfulfilling/ empty, I'd be disgusted with myself. And if I was attached/Married - the betrayal would be worthy of divorce.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Enchanted said:


> I think JCD described it the best in his above post. Women are still being shamed for having sex. I've come to realize all of those alpha male posts aren't about strong men, they're about men who are able to sleep with a lot of women and are being glorified. A woman who sleeps with a lot of men is considered a s1ut.
> 
> So a rape fantasy takes the responsibility off the female for being a "bad girl." Of course the rape fantasy goes like this:
> 
> ...


I understand and agree with some of what you are saying, and JCD is an excellent explanation.
But if the rape fantasy is connected to the " good gorl/ bad girl " complex, then the OP may have a point. It might be connected to ONS etc.
However I don't feel the two are actually connected, but maybe they are, and it varies from female to female.

Most females have been sexually repressed at some time, but there are many liberated women who still enjoy this type of fantasy.
Maybe because as humans we tend to push against the boundaries of social mores , and derive pleasure from doing so.

Human sexuality is very complex and multi dimensional.

But for those females I have known who fantasize about it, a 
" rape fantasy " is not really a
* _rape_ fantasy .*

Let me explain what I mean.
Those women I know [ including my wife ] who fantasize about it, just like being overpowered against their conscious mind. In the subconscious, they want to be overpowered and led into something forbidden and pleasurable. Its like the conscious mind says NO! but her body screaming _yes please_. She wants to give in to the flesh and forget about the rules.
I guess that's why its a fantasy. In real life there are consequences.
But maybe that's what makes it pleasurable, they can enjoy the fantasy without worrying about the consequences. Ha ha!

Ever observed that most female's rape fantasy NEVER includes physical violence and pain?
In their mind its all about pleasure.
It kinda strange to fully understand though.


----------



## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> I understand and agree with some of what you are saying, and JCD is an excellent explanation.
> But if the rape fantasy is connected to the " good gorl/ bad girl " complex, then the OP may have a point. It might be connected to ONS etc.
> However I don't feel the two are actually connected, but maybe they are, and it varies from female to female.
> 
> ...


I agree with this thought pattern: "forbidden and pleasurable."

I bet if Eve never eaten that apple she'd die of boredom in the garden of eden.

...but that is a different thread.


----------



## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

JCD said:


> Point 1 Women want sex.
> 
> Point 2 Women have been taught since girlhood to say 'no' to sex. Smarter parents tell the to say no until they meet a guy to whom they want to say yes.
> 
> Some girls probably sublimate that to mean they should say no...until someone 'makes them' (and they gleefully look for someone to make them because see point 1) See, they are good girls! They are saying 'no'! They can't help it if that tall dark stranger comes up behind her, grabs her upper arms, presses himself against her and starts whispering forbidden things in her ear...


I agree that is part of it.I think I was mid or late 30's I could say the words "I like sex" or "I want sex" ..I mean sober.Without the feeling I was forever "branded" something bad or distasteful.I don't think I actually initiated sex "overtly" anyway as in "give it to me baby"(sober) til maybe 18 years AFTER marriage without going back later and saying I must have had a lapse of judgement for doing so.And if you are drunk you can always blame it on that..I don't think we (any of us male or female) should run around sleeping with anyone and everyone when the urge hits ..but women have it harder just being able to "confess" they desire and enjoy sex without being lumped in with "*****s" or "****s".."loose" and fill in the blank.Its like its better to be branded a drunk than a sober minded female with intense sexual desires unfortunately..


----------



## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Ever observed that most female's rape fantasy NEVER includes physical violence and pain?
> In their mind its all about pleasure.
> It kinda strange to fully understand though.


right..there is in fact no "pleasure" in rape by its very definition" rape is UNWANTED forced sexual contact..Not "wanted" forced sexual contact"..

I think this whole "rape" fantasy thing is more about being "overwhelmed" with passion ..A letting go of trying to "control" and more of a "going with it' sort of thing.

There is a difference in "extreme" and seemingly "forceful" passion and RAPE...Rape is a "no choice" violation..where you are "powerless" ..(litterally but for begging screaming kicking to no avail)..Rape eliminates choice or will.So if its your "choice" and will" to engage in sex its not rape..

OH and I might add the choice cant be made under "threat" of sex or death or sex or some negative consequence..that's not free will choice.Well it is but If a strange man put a gun to my head and said "consent to sex or else I will kill you " my consent isn't "free will " and it would be rape even if I didn't fight..I would be choosing to live and not die..Not choosing to have sex.


----------



## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Tryingtobreath said:


> Here's the way I see it: She gets herself into a makeout type thing, and bc of the fantasy she doesn't say no to sex. The one night stand occurs.
> 
> I noticed that sometimes during sex with us, she would softly yelled "noooo!" during sex. Real softly.. almost as if she was recreating in her mind I was raping her, but she didn't want me to hear it. The sex was always pretty normal.
> 
> So, I guess I think perhaps there is a link with SOME women who like one night stands and rape fantasy.


I realize that its your STBX..If ever in the future you hear the soft no??? Hard as it is ( pun intended) STOP...She might ask you why did you stop..say "because you said no"..If you don't want to be in her rape "fantasy world" tell her so.Then say if you want to continue say yes..Softly..Say "yeeeeesssss"...not "nooooooo" ...if you want me..

Sorry if that's a little risque but you could broaden her mind and make things a little more "yes"...


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

It depends on what level of a fantasy it is.

Some people find things erotic in their mind, but they'd never want to TRULY make it become reality. Somethings are great in the imagination but awful in real life. 

Many women's rape fantasies fall into that category. Let's see, they imagine an extremely attractive masculine strong alpha male coming in and pushing them to the point where their mind says no, but their body SCREAMS yes. Then this Super-Alpha forces himself upon her, doing things to her body that hits all of her hot buttons and even helps her discover some new ones.

The same woman, doesn't want to be ACTUALLY RAPED. As in beaten and bloodied with her life threatened etc.

Is there a correlation between infidelity, ONS and rape fantasy. I don't think so. I have some pretty wild fantasies which involve "forcing" my wife to do or experience new things. Some of them we act upon because we're both in the mood. Others we don't. Like the one where she's leaning out a window wearing a skirt and I trap her by closing the window down on her and.....well I'll stop here. LOL


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Enchanted said:


> I agree with this thought pattern: "forbidden and pleasurable."
> 
> I bet if Eve never eaten that apple she'd die of boredom in the garden of eden.
> 
> ...but that is a different thread.


:iagree:

Ha Ha!

That's why they call it " ..._Human Nature_..."


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

I had rape fantasies for many years (but have been a faithful wife). They are from childhood sexual abuse. Odd thing - come to find out my husband had fantasies about me being raped too. 

I was instantaneously delivered of them when I realized that what happened to me as a child was sexual abuse.

One night stands could also come out of a history of childhood sexual abuse.


----------

