# Plz help me get my wife's heart back!



## Sylan0610 (Jun 23, 2016)

Before you judge me plz understand that I am human and make mistakes but I am owning them and refusing to repeat them no matter what happens or what it takes. I attempted to post a topic so large that I don't think any would have read it.. probably just the same that it got wiped when backing out of internet unintentionally so yeah. Anyways I'll try to make this much shorter and will elaborate if desired. My wife and I have been married going on 4 years in September and together for almost 5 and in that time we have been the closest of friends the most enchanted of lovers, the greatest of teams, eschothers rock and shoulder and hand to hold, and eachothers nightmare. From the start our lives have been strained. As we have kids from previous horrible relationships which as you can imagine has caused lots of trouble and drama for us as both exes are manipulative and terrible parents. Our kids are both our worlds without question. Getting ahead of myself though... I come from a background of being adopted by my dying grandmother whom I knew as my mom and will love her till the day I die(she passed far too soon when I was 25 but that subject is just too painful to discuss so that's the end of that). My parents abandoned me for a life of drugs and who knows what else and when my father would come around I'd suffer physical and sexual abuse for several years off and on of my childhood to which nobody every knew until my wife now. Watched my mother die for 15 years until I was taken away from her and thrust into life with family that saw me as a burden and treated me worse than garbage for just being my father's son. Met a girl same kind of life as me... fell for eachother.. and let me tell you I loved her so innocently and truly. We tried to save one another from our pain and from the agony of what life had given us... failed... she was habitually unfaithful for the entire 6 years we remained together and in the beginning shortly after she had become abusive physically and emotionally. We had a son tried to save it.. worked every day of my life to care for him he is my life and my Savior but she couldn't stop she wouldn't help I left school to work she left just to leave she became abusive to our son.... I stayed... tried to give him a family.. fix us... then o broke not sure when exactly but it happened.. started to fight back.. anger turned to hatred.. hatred turned to cruelty and culminated in violence between the two of us for years(yes I know I'm a bastard and I own that and no matter what she had done this was unacceptable I will forever be sorry for it and never forgive myself for losing me like that). Get better get worse you know the drill. Leave me come back all the while cheating on me. Anyways we had a daughter unintentionally. I vowed then to never be abusive again never let my anger and sadness overcome me like that for my daughter and my son and for her as I somehow still loved her through all of it. She didn't change and maybe I deserved it actually I know I did but this began almost 2 years of me being beaten around and cheated on and manipulated and made to be a single parent day in day out all the while working two jobs while she was rarely home. So we finally split for good and she married the man shed been seeing and took my kids from me and held them for random for a year(now 5 as it continues every day) knowing I'd do anything to be with them as they truly are my heart and we have always been so close I'd die for them without hesitation kill for them without blinking. She moves away 4 hours away to be exact... I never see them unless she needs something.. I'm being robbed for support more than half my income while still providing what they need all the time. Strung along with ideas of reconciliation and getting to have them in my life daily once again.. never happened. She introduced me to a friend. Little did she realize I would fall for this woman harder than I could or will ever fall for another person and my wife felt the same. We were soulmates... love at first meet... never wanting to be apart but always so as I lived 4 hours away. She was a wonderful mother to her daughter's (now mine) and a wonderful caretaker and friend to my kids.. when thier neglectful and careless mother wouldn't put food in thier mouths my wife fed em.... when she would leave them in the cold after school to be with her lovers my wife would bring them home and take care of them all before she knew me. Anyways I decide to move there to be with my kids and her. We start our life. We raise our kids together(as mine now became once agsin all on me but I didn't mind the slightest of course). Fighting the exes for the children's sake doing everything we could to make life easy for them. We all became a family. Then the ex takes my kids and leave because she cannot afford to stay as she has broken all her bridges here and lost jobs and so on and so on same old same old. She takes them back 4 hours away. I'd left my job of 5 years to come here and was already struggling to find consistent work.. worked temp agencies and such to make ends meet. Wife did also. Forced to leave to my families home when ends wouldn't meet in hopes of getting my old job back which pays fairly well. The nightmare begins. We had to leave the girls behind because they had no room for them at my families and I knew what they'd have to endure and refused to allow it. Get them back when we get on our feet. She gradually sees how hateful and controlling and terrible they sre and have always been to me... we lived in a storage room in the basement cleared out just enough for a bed and TV for $600 a month in rent.. and had to pay for any extra food or gas. Intimidation with threats of eviction... no help in searching for jobs... never left dinner when working all day min wage both of us at jobs you wouldn't recommend to your worst enemy. All while missing our children with no help to see them. But we loved eachother and spent days weeks months together alone making love laughing crying fighting and playing together. Adventures together on foot on bus whatever it took to be together and happy. But it all took its toll. The fighting worsened as resentment set in for having to deal with the family to have a roof over our heads while we tried to make it happen. In hindsight I abandoned her in that I hadn't defended her when she would fight them for me because she was so appalled at how they were towards me and my kids. I allowed to many to manipulate me for the sake of security and my kids that she became enraged and began fighting me rightfully over it.. and that's when the anger resurfaced I thought I had buried it but it was only dormant. The cruelest things were said from both sides then love again over and over... I'd fight to keep a relationship with my kids and shed fight me for agreeing to anything with the ex for the kids sake.. naturally that built resentment on my end. And it worsened and got better and worsened some more and so on until it culminated in both of us becoming physical. This remained even after we married(why she married me I'll never know I didn't deserve her love at that point let alone marriage). Nobody was present besides a cousin for the ceremony and the others all said it was a mistake and so on. But we knew we loved eachother more than life and could get through this and find happiness and fix us together. We finally moved out after both getting back to my old job and making decent money. We got the girls back(never mine as this would mean the ex couldn't get paid any longer). But we'd have mine here and there which made it so hard as you can imagine. Our youngest (her youngest) is autistic and this can be both a blessing and a nightmare.. she is a handful beyond normal handful to be honest and nobody knows what's that's like until you raise someone with autism. But she is my little unique angel and I wouldn't have it any other way. We quickly learned that without help from anybody we had no time to be alone together it has been kids work errands and repeat since the very day we moved out. The fighting stopped for a while but the stresses of everything and the attempted manipulation and games from both exes and literal refusal to support his kids from her side and car accidents and the list goes on but they broke us down and we began yet again. Started with words then became threats to leave.. then became cold and distance.. selfish behaviors making me walk to work countless times holding money over my head as she made more because I payed support. Taking my things and refusing to relinquish them. Leaving me home to care for the girls day and day out to be with her new found girlfriends. Never cared that she would hang with her friends in fact I encouraged it she needed that. But she took advantage. Believe me I'm no angel but during this time I continued even among the fighting and violence and all the hell to try and also treat her like a queen. Painted nails every other day. Bathed her washed her hair daily. Roses daily pictures drawn daily as I love to draw. Letters exchanged. Date nights I planned at home as much as I could get in. Cooked cleaned.. never good enough at that time. But I get it I could also be a monster who had no control over his anger and sadness. We went to counseling after deciding something needed to change that everything needed to change to save our marriage. Spent three months talking about my life and how ****ed up it had been and slowly this man unraveled me... PTSD Bipolar with severe Manic depression brought on by childhood trauma and relationship nightmares and many other reasons but too many to list. I was given meds.. never took em was too afraid of the label was in denial ashamed of what I was. Never spoke of her wrong doings never spoke of her life aside from letting it be known she didn't come from such wreckage... she came up privileged is all I will say so in that regard we are very different . We made progress though as I tried to learn better communication skills and things seemed hopeful. I then find out shortly after we quit due to her thinking it wasn't necessary anymore and a waste of money... that my love had been having an affair with my best friend of almost 10 years whom I had defended against her criticisms countless times as he was like a brother to me and I had no family as I've explained. This destroyed me... what I thought she couldn't ever do she did and it sent me reeling.. back to anger and sadness and mistrust and the cycle began again. I tried to forgive but subconsciously punished her for it.. I lost her and him that day I was beside myself and the cruelty and words and violence resurfaced. I was always sorry for what I would say or do.. and for the life of me I can't see why shed stay but she did and sometimes it'd get better and others it would get worse.. I never hit her (she has hit me many times) I would grab her or get into her face or push her away from me or try to intimidate her by raising my hand countless times... doesn't matter though don't ever let anyone tell you that it's ok if you've never directly slapped or punched her because it's not it's all the same it's abuse and it is the lowest thing one could do to the one they love and I own that now. But anyways we limped along. She lost her job due to being assaulted by a co-worker (company policy to fire both ****in bull****) and I know now that I abandoned her.. I went immediately into survival mode for us and worked every day 16 hours a day to make ends meet for 6 months until she was reinstated. But I failed her I tried to be the "man" and wasn't thier for her to cry to... to lean on to hold.. as she had never been through anything like that before... it really messed her up and I will never forgive myself for that mistake. I've been beaten ive been molested I've been cheated lied to left to die homeless stabbed and been alone alot of my life so it didn't occur to me that she might not be able to handle it and needed me more than needing financial security. So she gets the job back. And we start over... trying to make it work and actually then for some reason began to be much better. Then her natural flirtatious behavior began again(pretty much had become a recluse after the assault) and because of the infidelity I was so jealous and began to try to control everything so as not to let that happen again. She resisted and became never home always gone. I was again alone and acting as a single working parent. Our sex life became almost non existent ( never been consistent as health related ED has been my pain for years) but boy when we could make it work we are so sexually compatible and the sex is heaven(she's always attested to this) the cheating wasn't about sex it was about needing to feel free and safe and not angry and sad and to punish me for what I had out her through(her words). But yeah the ED has been an ego killer most of my adult life. And the fighting just kept on and kept on until out of nowhere the ex offers to give me my son as he was getting in the way if her new marriage. We pulled together and had been ok for a couple months almost blissfull. Even through the ex still playing constant games and pitting the children against us... my son this wouldn't work with anymore but my daughter it did. Still fighting her to come off the support as I have him full time now.. so yeah she wants nothing but money. Even offered to sign him over if I'd sign my daughter over... never gonna happen. But the stresses got to us yet again until she threatened to cheat again because she didn't want to deal with my life anymore... I lost it and grabbed her. And in that moment and I can't explain what exactly happened... but I believe God snakes me in the face. I fell to my knees and cried for the rest of the day and days after. She would ask what was wrong and I would just cry and look away. Until I told her and completely broke down. I'm an abusive husband and everything you've gone through I've caused.. and I just can't bear it you are my world and the love of my life and I've destroyed you with my anger and pain when all I ever wanted to do was give you the world. I betrayed your heart our vows. You may have hurt me in many ways and can be the coldest cruelest woman but I made you that way.. you loved me so deeply in the beginning and years after that and because I was weak and constantly in slelf preservation mode I wrecked what love you had for me I destroyed the most beautiful thing I tore you down to make you feel my pain and wasn't there for you when you really needed it or at least how you needed it. I can never forgive myself but honey believe me I see it for the first time in my life I see it and I will do whatever it takes to never harm you again even if that means letting you go. I'm getting ready to start serious one on one therapy I've begun taking my meds and they do help after all and I'm not scared of the label anymore in fact I embrace it because I can't be in denial anymore for me and those close to me I have to fix me I have to change... don't ever let someone tell you they had no control because they did every single time and I did every single time that's just denial and an excuse.. you always have the choice between right and wrong walk away when you get to that point and sometimes I did alot of the time I did but that matters not because of even one time that I didn't. I've wrecked the most beautiful thing in the world to me and there's no taking it back and that will kill me for life but I own it and everyone we know is aware of it now.. I am not hiding anymore they need to know because I'll be damned if any one of them look upon her as the bad guy in any of this because she is anything but everything but. All want for her is happiness and healing. I pray to God that that's with me so that I can spend the rest of my life showing her how sorry I am and how much I've always loved her and would die and kill and steal and lie for her anything for her without hesitation without blinking. But if she chooses to go which I think will be my fate... as she has stated she just doesn't know if she can let it all go and try and forgive and trust me anymore which I completely understand and commend her strength and self love for.... I will let her go and never bother her again if she chooses but will always be here for her if she needed me no matter who had to let down to make it happen. As my tattoo of her name on my neck indicates for me.... I'm hers forever whenever she needs me whatever the girls need I'll be there as much as itll hurt I will never turn my back on her.... She may not see it this way but I am forever in her debt from the bottom of my heart I will cherish and love this woman for life she was the one she is the one but I ****ed that up and I'll have to own that but my heart with never belong to another. You know when you've met your life mate and those are the people married for life ..... I had that chance and probably blew it but I'll never leave her truly as long as she needs me. She thinks I'll run and never look back if we split and that's because yeah I would have before.. many things id do before but that day on my knees was life changing for me.(plz spare me the abusers never change speech I get it and I would normally agree even about me). But as god as my witness my heart has changed... will it take great strides to make it stick?yes. am I willing to do all it'll take to make sure letting go of my demons is permanent. I've already begun to. I just wish she knew it I wish she could see it as I know God can. But I understand and don't pressure her or judge her I have no right. I'm just grateful that she is staying for now.. says she loves me but isn't in love anymore and doesn't trust me.. but is trying to find it again trying to get past it.. sees the changes but doesnt trust them to be real only our of fear of losing her but wants to believe it.. gave me a couple months to show her but even then she doesn't know if she can. Even said if we make it she wants to remarry and start fresh clean slate. But at the same time is so detached barely home so angry with me she can sometimes barely talk to me.. ignores my calls and txts of which I dont send much anymore as to not smother her. I try everyday to show her love and affection .. I let her live her life without interfering.. I just tske care of the kids and go to work. I've isolated myself from friends as I don't deserve sympathy and don't want it. I think she may be seeing someone else already. Not jealousy there are obvious and clear signs. But I don't pry I just try to love her and shower her with it when she appears to want it and leave her alone when she doesnt. I try to talk to her about her day and worry so much about her. Sometimes she talks others she yells about how crappy it was. Work has become her priority and time away from home is so frequent I barely remember her sent anymore and I miss it dearly. We have sex but I can feel it's not the same for her anymore.. but at times there seems to be glimmers.. we will share a memory or do something togetehr that brings love even for just a moment.. and then she reverts. I just dont know what to do anymore. I've killed her and there's nothing I can do about it. I want no sympathy all I ask is from outside looking in does there seem to be any hope? I really love this woman more than it may seem to you and so deeply want our dreams together to come true and so deeply want to mend the heart I've broken however long it takes if it's more than a lifetime. She is my everything and I'll die inside finally completely if I lose her without being able to show her just how much she meant and just how sorry I am. What can I do I'll wait forever but am I hurting her to stay? Should I go to let her heal and not have to make the heartbreaking choice? Or should I ride it out and just be here when she needs me until maybe one day she can forgive and maybe try to let me show her truly what I can and will do for her? I'm so lost and confused I just want to love her the best way for her. I am not a threat to her any longer and I don't care what anyone says plz keep that yourselves you dont know me in that way you can't see my heart(although I hope to have shown a bit of it here)... but I know she may never see it that way and it's kills me to know it. Anyways yeah that ended up being long as well.. and I'm sure many will be reluctant to read it as it's so long and so much to absorb and maybe I got carried away but it just came out I needed the world to know. If I wasnt Leary of fraud or identity theft I'd tell you our names so that you knew exactly who you were reading from. Tempted to anyways actually. But anyways I pray someone will read this and maybe even respond(hopefully constructively). Thank-you for your time and patience. God bless you all and hold on to the ones you love and never betray them make that life's goal for you because when you have and wake up to finallly see it and know what you've done and can't change it even if you found it in you to change yourself..... you will be devastated beyond comprehension.. a feeing indescribably painful.... and that's only if they don't walk out of your life... because that is truly like dying.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

That's a giant wall of text that most won't read.

Please edit it. Use paragraphs, spaces, etc.


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## Pinksapphire (Jun 18, 2016)

Its impossible to read especially on a phone.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Paragraph that post


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Dude, I tried to read it. You've got lots of pain. 

A couple of questions:
Are you taking your medicine now?

Why do you want to stay in this terrible relationship? You obviously fear abandonment badly. I recognize it because I have a little if it myself. 

Honestly, once the love is gone, it won't return. The good news is that you have time to work on yourself and one day meet a person that is right for you.

You really need to take some medicine and get yourself mentally stable and consistent. Your entire post demonstrates your admitted mood swings from great to awful.

I hope you get some help. Nobody deserves the pain you are expressing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

i wanted to read but just gave up, please use paragraphs and put into manageable chunks


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

This is the shorter version????


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

I read the whole thing. You need to let go of this relationship, it's damaging. It's hell for both of you.

Set her free if you love her like you say. Get help for you. You are an unhealthy mess.

Not your fault when you had no idea what was wrong with you, but now you are responsible for your actions because you now know that you need treatment and you need to stay on meds and therapy for life. 

You have children you are responsible for. They are your truest love, not any woman. Once your kids are old enough to be on their own, you can think about love and relationships. 

You had children with a sick woman. Your bad choice, not theirs. You are continuing the cycle of abuse with your own kids. You are responsible for that. 

Stay away from women for now, focus on the children and staying healthy for them.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I tried, I really did, but it's just too hard to read on a ph9ne. Can someone summarize?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He's been mistreated and abused and molested by his FOO.

His first wife is a loony bird in the same ways that he is.

His second wife is a repeat. He and she are emotionally and physically abusive and she, like the first, constantly cheats on him with other men, but he has abandonment issues and won't let go.

He went to the doctor and they diagnosed him as bipolar, but he is too ashamed to be labelled a wacko to take his meds, so he remains in his wacked out state--- and refuses to take meds still.

So he wants the cheating abusive wife to fall back in love with him so he can continue the same old cycle of wackiness with her, and wants help in figuring out how to get her to love him again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

This may help.



Sylan0610 said:


> Before you judge me plz understand that I am human and make mistakes but I am owning them and refusing to repeat them no matter what happens or what it takes. I attempted to post a topic so large that I don't think any would have read it.. probably just the same that it got wiped when backing out of internet unintentionally so yeah. Anyways I'll try to make this much shorter and will elaborate if desired.
> 
> My wife and I have been married going on 4 years in September and together for almost 5 and in that time we have been the closest of friends the most enchanted of lovers, the greatest of teams, each others rock and shoulder and hand to hold, and each others nightmare.
> 
> ...


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

Thank you GTdad, saved me the trouble. I was just going to do the same.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

rockon said:


> Thank you GTdad, saved me the trouble. I was just going to do the same.


I really don't have any useful advice; the situation is a little beyond me. But I had some time so could do this at least. And never let it be said that I didn't do the least I could.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> He's been mistreated and abused and molested by his FOO.
> 
> His first wife is a loony bird in the same ways that he is.
> 
> ...


That is pretty much it in a nutshell...no pun intended as this story is very sad, but very much something that happens often in real life.

That sad thing is these ill human beings keep procreating and continuing on with the cycle of abuse that they themselves suffered. They were all broken as children. They all mated with one another and created a new generation that will continue the sick cycle unless one of them wakes up and smells the coffee before it's too late for the children they brought into this world. Their kid's destiny needs to be radically changed by the ill adults that brought them into this world...Very hard to do when the ill adults are too busy dealing and self medicating with similar sick partners.


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## Sylan0610 (Jun 23, 2016)

Thank-you for your replies. Yes I am on medicine and therapy starting today actually. So to those who say I refuse the meds and continue the cycle I do not any longer. The meds have leveled me out on top of my eye opening life changing moment that you may dismiss as phony or disingenuous but I assure you as god as my witness it was not.


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## Sylan0610 (Jun 23, 2016)

I'm sorry for the Vietnam Wall of text lol I liked that comparison made me laugh something I don't do much anymore so thank-you. Was at work and on limited time but had to post it just had to.


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## Sylan0610 (Jun 23, 2016)

I appreciate the outlook from all of you.. you don't even know me and you reached out what you could. Gives one hope in people.


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## Sylan0610 (Jun 23, 2016)

I am prepared to let her go if that's what she desires or needs as much as it will wreck me. But I am at peace with her making herself happy. Im sorry I just hope to be the one who makes her that way at some point. She hasn't fully given up or I wouldn't be here right now I think and that means the world.
I know you see the cycle and believe it hasn't or won't change but truly you and what I used to believe are wrong in that but understandably sceptical and yeah it's been hell for both of us. But let me tell you there's no way to properly convey the good times over a blog post.. just how passionate and loving and beautiful they were(she still won't deny this) and there were many many moments like this.. more than bad times it's just the bad have overshadowed them understandably.


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## Sylan0610 (Jun 23, 2016)

You may disagree and that's ok but I'm taking every step possible to change and make it stick. She may leave it may be too late and that is ok itll wreck me but I honor her right and need to do so and wouldn't ever judge or pressure her now. But I firmly believe that if people love one another truly(which she doesn't deny but goes back and forth on the in love part understandably) and are truly remorseful for the wrongs they have done and with the grace of God they can love again can be mended it may take years but it can be done. And I am absolutely willing to correct and never repeat any of the horrors that were destroying us as people and as a family. And she seems to sometimes be willing. But if what's necessary for her to heal is for us to end then so be it and I will own that


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I can feel your pain I your posts. Just want you to know I hope the best for you. The kind of life experience you've had is tough to overcome, but I do believe it can be done of you want it bad enough. 
Very glad you've seen positive effects from the meds. Just remember to stay on them forever and not get off of then thinking you don't need them anymore.
The violence and strife has to stop if you're going to have a partner in life.
Praying for you, bro.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sylan0610 (Jun 23, 2016)

I will own it because she means that much. So yeah I will set her free if she needs without hesitation. I just hope that she can forgive me and try to let me show her just how much I love and want and need her and just how sorry and different I am and will be for the rest of my life with or without her whatever it takes. Call me selfish for wanting that if you will or crazy. I've known others to mend truly broken marriages. And I've read countless stories of the same.. also many that couldn't be mended I've seen it and read it.. and maybe we are one of the latter but plz pray for us is all I ask plz try to look past the horrors and listen to the love we shared.. I just want a prayer if that's what you even believe in. Just s prayer and whatever happens happens. A prayer and someone to talk to. I love her like no other and you can't imagine the pain of losing someone that special that amazing.. (she's not crazy like me, I drove her to it and I own that). Or maybe you can and to you I ask for only a prayer plz. Good day to you all and thank-you again truly just for listening


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

@Sylan0610 We understand you initial post was emotionally painful for you to write, but we are glad you did. Your later posts are a long more calm, collected and coherent.

Good for you.

Are you getting any counseling? There is no shame in that. Many of us here are doing the same.

BTW, are you in the US?


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## Sylan0610 (Jun 23, 2016)

Thank-you Evinrude58 that means alot. I'm aware of all my sins and of all the hell that I've caused. To hear someone get it from my side even just a bit means the world. I'm taking the meds and yes for life believe me. I've got my appointment for refill next two weeks already scheduled. Hi will not allow this to happen any longer. No matter if I have her or not. I just pray that I will more than I've prayed for anything in my whole life. I'd take everything ive ever been through over again if it meant I could mend her and I give our love a true first chance. Told her this several times. She says shed never want thst for me and wishes she could have saved me from it all.. don't need her to she already has and she doesn't even know just how much because I can't even begin to properly convey it. Blessed be your days man and again I appreciate it.


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## Sylan0610 (Jun 23, 2016)

Yeah I tried to break them up the time as I didn't mean to make it difficult for others to read in the first place lol sorry for that. Yes I am going to be receiving face to face counseling this soon but am doing so over the phone for the moment with the counsellor I am going to see. He's helping me until I can have the day off work to actually go this week. But yes counselling is priority and so is my medicine. Yeah I'm in the US


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## Sylan0610 (Jun 23, 2016)

Ya know I think in my heartache and jumbled mind I failed to convey the love we shared.. it has not only been horrors. I'm talking true friendship and love.. travelling the cites on foot or by bus or by car whatever it took to have experiences together to escape from the torment of our daily life. We have done things you wouldn't believe ... made love in places you would laugh at lol cemetery being one of them lol we have shared so much with eachother. She is my best friend... we play games together we watched movies terrible or not just to be close.. we would laugh and share music with eachother.. I play guitar so would write songs for her.. still do. 
Wed do everything together and have accomplished so much together and made it through so much together. I remember days stuck in the rain because we wanted to walk and chat. I remember countless nights of just talking to one another about what we wanted in life and how we would fight together to get it.. and alot of that we have achieved but there is so much more want to hold her hand through. Inseparable most of the time. Art museums with our screaming kiddos lol dinners at any new place we could find again with our screaming kiddos lol. We love all the same things she's like a copy of me and I of her. We are too right to not be able to fix this in my heart of hearts. God put us together for a reason and I **** on that reason and in some ways she did too but I feel like we owe it to God at least to try to make it work. I feel like I owe it to her to prove she can be loved the way she deserves. 
Maybe I'm wrong and I know some things just can't be mended no matter how much you want them to be. But I just have this unshakable and truly selfless feeling that we could if we wanted to.. and I do want to more than anything I want to. She doesn't know yet.. and maybe never will or will decide she does know and either leave or stay... but feel like I have to hold out for her.. like something isn't finished like I have a purpose with her truly I do. And if I'm wrong hell it would definitely not be the first or last time I'm sure. But plz pray that I'm right.. not for me.. but for her snd for the kids. They love her so deeply and have never felt that way about another but me and thier mother(one day they hopefully will see that her love for them is conditional and I pray I I'll have the strenght and tools to help them through that because make no mistake it's coming and I'll do whatever it takes to protect them from that destroying them for life.) She has replaced her in thier hearts slowly as they see or at least my son for now sees that she is what a mother should be and she loves them so much and they aren't even her own. 

I feel the same her girls they are mine and they love me to death but not even close to how I feel about them. They need a daddy one that loves them for who they are... issues and all and I have always and will always do that regardless of what happens if I'm allowed to. But I pray we can give them a happy home no longer broken and tore apart. No more taking them from comfort and love.. no more fear for them.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

You are good with words, but actions speak louder than words. I am glad you realize you can never be without medications. Next step is realizing you may need therapy for life as well. I hope you find the perfect fit in the therapists you see.

I truly believe your religious experience to be true. You may have missed the point though. JMO here.

Your rock bottom was probably when you dropped on your knees and cried. God picked you up, but not to save your relationship...it was to save YOU so you could save others that you have been given as a gift. Those others are your children and not any woman. Sorry, but that is my take on your hitting rock bottom religious experience. You are still focused on your partner and are missing the real point to getting better.

Your partner has left emotionally, physically is just a matter of time. I'm sorry, but you need to probably accept this and move on. 
You have those beautiful memories of the times you were happy with her, that is the past.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

Sylan0610 said:


> Before you judge me plz understand that I am human and make mistakes but I am owning them and refusing to repeat them no matter what happens or what it takes. I attempted to post a topic so large that I don't think any would have read it.. probably just the same that it got wiped when backing out of internet unintentionally so yeah. Anyways I'll try to make this much shorter and will elaborate if desired. My wife and I have been married going on 4 years in September and together for almost 5 and in that time we have been the closest of friends the most enchanted of lovers, the greatest of teams, eschothers rock and shoulder and hand to hold, and eachothers nightmare. From the start our lives have been strained. As we have kids from previous horrible relationships which as you can imagine has caused lots of trouble and drama for us as both exes are manipulative and terrible parents. Our kids are both our worlds without question. Getting ahead of myself though... I come from a background of being adopted by my dying grandmother whom I knew as my mom and will love her till the day I die(she passed far too soon when I was 25 but that subject is just too painful to discuss so that's the end of that). My parents abandoned me for a life of drugs and who knows what else and when my father would come around I'd suffer physical and sexual abuse for several years off and on of my childhood to which nobody every knew until my wife now. Watched my mother die for 15 years until I was taken away from her and thrust into life with family that saw me as a burden and treated me worse than garbage for just being my father's son. Met a girl same kind of life as me... fell for eachother.. and let me tell you I loved her so innocently and truly. We tried to save one another from our pain and from the agony of what life had given us... failed... she was habitually unfaithful for the entire 6 years we remained together and in the beginning shortly after she had become abusive physically and emotionally. We had a son tried to save it.. worked every day of my life to care for him he is my life and my Savior but she couldn't stop she wouldn't help I left school to work she left just to leave she became abusive to our son.... I stayed... tried to give him a family.. fix us... then o broke not sure when exactly but it happened.. started to fight back.. anger turned to hatred.. hatred turned to cruelty and culminated in violence between the two of us for years(yes I know I'm a bastard and I own that and no matter what she had done this was unacceptable I will forever be sorry for it and never forgive myself for losing me like that). Get better get worse you know the drill. Leave me come back all the while cheating on me. Anyways we had a daughter unintentionally. I vowed then to never be abusive again never let my anger and sadness overcome me like that for my daughter and my son and for her as I somehow still loved her through all of it. She didn't change and maybe I deserved it actually I know I did but this began almost 2 years of me being beaten around and cheated on and manipulated and made to be a single parent day in day out all the while working two jobs while she was rarely home. So we finally split for good and she married the man shed been seeing and took my kids from me and held them for random for a year(now 5 as it continues every day) knowing I'd do anything to be with them as they truly are my heart and we have always been so close I'd die for them without hesitation kill for them without blinking. She moves away 4 hours away to be exact... I never see them unless she needs something.. I'm being robbed for support more than half my income while still providing what they need all the time. Strung along with ideas of reconciliation and getting to have them in my life daily once again.. never happened. She introduced me to a friend. Little did she realize I would fall for this woman harder than I could or will ever fall for another person and my wife felt the same. We were soulmates... love at first meet... never wanting to be apart but always so as I lived 4 hours away. She was a wonderful mother to her daughter's (now mine) and a wonderful caretaker and friend to my kids.. when thier neglectful and careless mother wouldn't put food in thier mouths my wife fed em.... when she would leave them in the cold after school to be with her lovers my wife would bring them home and take care of them all before she knew me. Anyways I decide to move there to be with my kids and her. We start our life. We raise our kids together(as mine now became once agsin all on me but I didn't mind the slightest of course). Fighting the exes for the children's sake doing everything we could to make life easy for them. We all became a family. Then the ex takes my kids and leave because she cannot afford to stay as she has broken all her bridges here and lost jobs and so on and so on same old same old. She takes them back 4 hours away. I'd left my job of 5 years to come here and was already struggling to find consistent work.. worked temp agencies and such to make ends meet. Wife did also. Forced to leave to my families home when ends wouldn't meet in hopes of getting my old job back which pays fairly well. The nightmare begins. We had to leave the girls behind because they had no room for them at my families and I knew what they'd have to endure and refused to allow it. Get them back when we get on our feet. She gradually sees how hateful and controlling and terrible they sre and have always been to me... we lived in a storage room in the basement cleared out just enough for a bed and TV for $600 a month in rent.. and had to pay for any extra food or gas. Intimidation with threats of eviction... no help in searching for jobs... never left dinner when working all day min wage both of us at jobs you wouldn't recommend to your worst enemy. All while missing our children with no help to see them. But we loved eachother and spent days weeks months together alone making love laughing crying fighting and playing together. Adventures together on foot on bus whatever it took to be together and happy. But it all took its toll. The fighting worsened as resentment set in for having to deal with the family to have a roof over our heads while we tried to make it happen. In hindsight I abandoned her in that I hadn't defended her when she would fight them for me because she was so appalled at how they were towards me and my kids. I allowed to many to manipulate me for the sake of security and my kids that she became enraged and began fighting me rightfully over it.. and that's when the anger resurfaced I thought I had buried it but it was only dormant. The cruelest things were said from both sides then love again over and over... I'd fight to keep a relationship with my kids and shed fight me for agreeing to anything with the ex for the kids sake.. naturally that built resentment on my end. And it worsened and got better and worsened some more and so on until it culminated in both of us becoming physical. This remained even after we married(why she married me I'll never know I didn't deserve her love at that point let alone marriage). Nobody was present besides a cousin for the ceremony and the others all said it was a mistake and so on. But we knew we loved eachother more than life and could get through this and find happiness and fix us together. We finally moved out after both getting back to my old job and making decent money. We got the girls back(never mine as this would mean the ex couldn't get paid any longer). But we'd have mine here and there which made it so hard as you can imagine. Our youngest (her youngest) is autistic and this can be both a blessing and a nightmare.. she is a handful beyond normal handful to be honest and nobody knows what's that's like until you raise someone with autism. But she is my little unique angel and I wouldn't have it any other way. We quickly learned that without help from anybody we had no time to be alone together it has been kids work errands and repeat since the very day we moved out. The fighting stopped for a while but the stresses of everything and the attempted manipulation and games from both exes and literal refusal to support his kids from her side and car accidents and the list goes on but they broke us down and we began yet again. Started with words then became threats to leave.. then became cold and distance.. selfish behaviors making me walk to work countless times holding money over my head as she made more because I payed support. Taking my things and refusing to relinquish them. Leaving me home to care for the girls day and day out to be with her new found girlfriends. Never cared that she would hang with her friends in fact I encouraged it she needed that. But she took advantage. Believe me I'm no angel but during this time I continued even among the fighting and violence and all the hell to try and also treat her like a queen. Painted nails every other day. Bathed her washed her hair daily. Roses daily pictures drawn daily as I love to draw. Letters exchanged. Date nights I planned at home as much as I could get in. Cooked cleaned.. never good enough at that time. But I get it I could also be a monster who had no control over his anger and sadness. We went to counseling after deciding something needed to change that everything needed to change to save our marriage. Spent three months talking about my life and how ****ed up it had been and slowly this man unraveled me... PTSD Bipolar with severe Manic depression brought on by childhood trauma and relationship nightmares and many other reasons but too many to list. I was given meds.. never took em was too afraid of the label was in denial ashamed of what I was. Never spoke of her wrong doings never spoke of her life aside from letting it be known she didn't come from such wreckage... she came up privileged is all I will say so in that regard we are very different . We made progress though as I tried to learn better communication skills and things seemed hopeful. I then find out shortly after we quit due to her thinking it wasn't necessary anymore and a waste of money... that my love had been having an affair with my best friend of almost 10 years whom I had defended against her criticisms countless times as he was like a brother to me and I had no family as I've explained. This destroyed me... what I thought she couldn't ever do she did and it sent me reeling.. back to anger and sadness and mistrust and the cycle began again. I tried to forgive but subconsciously punished her for it.. I lost her and him that day I was beside myself and the cruelty and words and violence resurfaced. I was always sorry for what I would say or do.. and for the life of me I can't see why shed stay but she did and sometimes it'd get better and others it would get worse.. I never hit her (she has hit me many times) I would grab her or get into her face or push her away from me or try to intimidate her by raising my hand countless times... doesn't matter though don't ever let anyone tell you that it's ok if you've never directly slapped or punched her because it's not it's all the same it's abuse and it is the lowest thing one could do to the one they love and I own that now. But anyways we limped along. She lost her job due to being assaulted by a co-worker (company policy to fire both ****in bull****) and I know now that I abandoned her.. I went immediately into survival mode for us and worked every day 16 hours a day to make ends meet for 6 months until she was reinstated. But I failed her I tried to be the "man" and wasn't thier for her to cry to... to lean on to hold.. as she had never been through anything like that before... it really messed her up and I will never forgive myself for that mistake. I've been beaten ive been molested I've been cheated lied to left to die homeless stabbed and been alone alot of my life so it didn't occur to me that she might not be able to handle it and needed me more than needing financial security. So she gets the job back. And we start over... trying to make it work and actually then for some reason began to be much better. Then her natural flirtatious behavior began again(pretty much had become a recluse after the assault) and because of the infidelity I was so jealous and began to try to control everything so as not to let that happen again. She resisted and became never home always gone. I was again alone and acting as a single working parent. Our sex life became almost non existent ( never been consistent as health related ED has been my pain for years) but boy when we could make it work we are so sexually compatible and the sex is heaven(she's always attested to this) the cheating wasn't about sex it was about needing to feel free and safe and not angry and sad and to punish me for what I had out her through(her words). But yeah the ED has been an ego killer most of my adult life. And the fighting just kept on and kept on until out of nowhere the ex offers to give me my son as he was getting in the way if her new marriage. We pulled together and had been ok for a couple months almost blissfull. Even through the ex still playing constant games and pitting the children against us... my son this wouldn't work with anymore but my daughter it did. Still fighting her to come off the support as I have him full time now.. so yeah she wants nothing but money. Even offered to sign him over if I'd sign my daughter over... never gonna happen. But the stresses got to us yet again until she threatened to cheat again because she didn't want to deal with my life anymore... I lost it and grabbed her. And in that moment and I can't explain what exactly happened... but I believe God snakes me in the face. I fell to my knees and cried for the rest of the day and days after. She would ask what was wrong and I would just cry and look away. Until I told her and completely broke down. I'm an abusive husband and everything you've gone through I've caused.. and I just can't bear it you are my world and the love of my life and I've destroyed you with my anger and pain when all I ever wanted to do was give you the world. I betrayed your heart our vows. You may have hurt me in many ways and can be the coldest cruelest woman but I made you that way.. you loved me so deeply in the beginning and years after that and because I was weak and constantly in slelf preservation mode I wrecked what love you had for me I destroyed the most beautiful thing I tore you down to make you feel my pain and wasn't there for you when you really needed it or at least how you needed it. I can never forgive myself but honey believe me I see it for the first time in my life I see it and I will do whatever it takes to never harm you again even if that means letting you go. I'm getting ready to start serious one on one therapy I've begun taking my meds and they do help after all and I'm not scared of the label anymore in fact I embrace it because I can't be in denial anymore for me and those close to me I have to fix me I have to change... don't ever let someone tell you they had no control because they did every single time and I did every single time that's just denial and an excuse.. you always have the choice between right and wrong walk away when you get to that point and sometimes I did alot of the time I did but that matters not because of even one time that I didn't. I've wrecked the most beautiful thing in the world to me and there's no taking it back and that will kill me for life but I own it and everyone we know is aware of it now.. I am not hiding anymore they need to know because I'll be damned if any one of them look upon her as the bad guy in any of this because she is anything but everything but. All want for her is happiness and healing. I pray to God that that's with me so that I can spend the rest of my life showing her how sorry I am and how much I've always loved her and would die and kill and steal and lie for her anything for her without hesitation without blinking. But if she chooses to go which I think will be my fate... as she has stated she just doesn't know if she can let it all go and try and forgive and trust me anymore which I completely understand and commend her strength and self love for.... I will let her go and never bother her again if she chooses but will always be here for her if she needed me no matter who had to let down to make it happen. As my tattoo of her name on my neck indicates for me.... I'm hers forever whenever she needs me whatever the girls need I'll be there as much as itll hurt I will never turn my back on her.... She may not see it this way but I am forever in her debt from the bottom of my heart I will cherish and love this woman for life she was the one she is the one but I ****ed that up and I'll have to own that but my heart with never belong to another. You know when you've met your life mate and those are the people married for life ..... I had that chance and probably blew it but I'll never leave her truly as long as she needs me. She thinks I'll run and never look back if we split and that's because yeah I would have before.. many things id do before but that day on my knees was life changing for me.(plz spare me the abusers never change speech I get it and I would normally agree even about me). But as god as my witness my heart has changed... will it take great strides to make it stick?yes. am I willing to do all it'll take to make sure letting go of my demons is permanent. I've already begun to. I just wish she knew it I wish she could see it as I know God can. But I understand and don't pressure her or judge her I have no right. I'm just grateful that she is staying for now.. says she loves me but isn't in love anymore and doesn't trust me.. but is trying to find it again trying to get past it.. sees the changes but doesnt trust them to be real only our of fear of losing her but wants to believe it.. gave me a couple months to show her but even then she doesn't know if she can. Even said if we make it she wants to remarry and start fresh clean slate. But at the same time is so detached barely home so angry with me she can sometimes barely talk to me.. ignores my calls and txts of which I dont send much anymore as to not smother her. I try everyday to show her love and affection .. I let her live her life without interfering.. I just tske care of the kids and go to work. I've isolated myself from friends as I don't deserve sympathy and don't want it. I think she may be seeing someone else already. Not jealousy there are obvious and clear signs. But I don't pry I just try to love her and shower her with it when she appears to want it and leave her alone when she doesnt. I try to talk to her about her day and worry so much about her. Sometimes she talks others she yells about how crappy it was. Work has become her priority and time away from home is so frequent I barely remember her sent anymore and I miss it dearly. We have sex but I can feel it's not the same for her anymore.. but at times there seems to be glimmers.. we will share a memory or do something togetehr that brings love even for just a moment.. and then she reverts. I just dont know what to do anymore. I've killed her and there's nothing I can do about it. I want no sympathy all I ask is from outside looking in does there seem to be any hope? I really love this woman more than it may seem to you and so deeply want our dreams together to come true and so deeply want to mend the heart I've broken however long it takes if it's more than a lifetime. She is my everything and I'll die inside finally completely if I lose her without being able to show her just how much she meant and just how sorry I am. What can I do I'll wait forever but am I hurting her to stay? Should I go to let her heal and not have to make the heartbreaking choice? Or should I ride it out and just be here when she needs me until maybe one day she can forgive and maybe try to let me show her truly what I can and will do for her? I'm so lost and confused I just want to love her the best way for her. I am not a threat to her any longer and I don't care what anyone says plz keep that yourselves you dont know me in that way you can't see my heart(although I hope to have shown a bit of it here)... but I know she may never see it that way and it's kills me to know it. Anyways yeah that ended up being long as well.. and I'm sure many will be reluctant to read it as it's so long and so much to absorb and maybe I got carried away but it just came out I needed the world to know. If I wasnt Leary of fraud or identity theft I'd tell you our names so that you knew exactly who you were reading from. Tempted to anyways actually. But anyways I pray someone will read this and maybe even respond(hopefully constructively). Thank-you for your time and patience. God bless you all and hold on to the ones you love and never betray them make that life's goal for you because when you have and wake up to finallly see it and know what you've done and can't change it even if you found it in you to change yourself..... you will be devastated beyond comprehension.. a feeing indescribably painful.... and that's only if they don't walk out of your life... because that is truly like dying.




I read it all and all I can say is that you need to continue to take your meds, keep going to counselling and get yourself straight. You need to be healed and on the right track before you can worry about or try to make anyone else happy. Your worry about keeping your wife, is going to interfere with you getting well. I feel that going hard and strictly working on yourself is going to show your wife that you're serious about getting better. You can't worry about anyone but yourself. That's not being selfish, that's being responsible. 

Right now, you (not trying to be mean) are showing your wife that you're a doormat. You're allowing yourself to be trampled on. You're showing her that you're weak and that she can walk all over you and you'll always be there and allow it. 

Gain some dignity and self respect for yourself first. That's the were you need to start.


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## Sylan0610 (Jun 23, 2016)

Thank-you for all your replies. I will honestly have to respectfully disagree with some of them. I am not just saying what I'll do I'm doing so every day now for me and for my kids first and foremost.. think I stated this when I said so I could stop wrecking everyone around me lives. I am in therapy and plan for it for as long as it takes and if that's life than so be it and the meds I will never cease because I hate myself off of them and I got lucky to have found a good fit with them first try. 
I am focusing on me... shes not giving me much of an option with that understandably but that is also what I desire to be healthy and happy for me and the kids. But I love this woman and refuse to give up hope that we may reconcile and if that never happens again so be it. This is not getting in my way. I am healing day by day. Finally talking about the nightmare that has been my life. Just today I began to get back to basics with my babies well 3 of them as the 4th does not want to be here because she feels she doesn't have to listen to rules in my house(her mother's manipulation but she is only 6 so it isnt hard for her to do that to her). Board games bike riding pool date Saturday and dinosaur exhibit on Sunday. If I can fix the car that just broke down lol rains it pours and so on. 
She comes home late I just say i missed you instead of losing it... doesn't txt or call and I just say honey how are you how was your day I was worried when I hadn't heard from you as it's been so hot lately especially at work. And the thing is it's not forced.. I have no desire or urge to flip out on her.. my love for her snd desire to reconcile is because she means the very world to me. If that seems wrong than I guess wrong but if it was hindering me fixing me or moving on I wouldn't allow it to continue. Fact is she has been broken and hurt and damaged. I have no issue with taking her anger her hurt her pain when she forces it on me.. I deserve that and I own it. It's not lack of dignity although maybe you see it that way and that's your right but to me it's repentance. She isn't beating me and as far as I know(aside from a few doubts and concerns) she isn't cheating on me again. So I'll take her distance and coldness for a time because shes owed that at least..
Would I leave if she cheated again or became single handedly violent with me? Yes without a doubt because I want that cycle to end in fact I will do whatever it takes to make sure it does permanently even if that meant leaving. But she isn't doing any of that.. she's giving me at least a small chance a little hope and she shouldn't and she would be 100% in the right if she didn't. But she is and she has even just today said that maybe marriage counselling would help.. with our own individual counselling as well of course. Floored me but that may change by tomorrow who knows. But I'll stick it out for her let her be angry and hurt anf jsut try to be there for her and love her and try and help her mend. And if she casts me away then I honor her for it. Believe that true love(and we had it believe me we did and we both know it) is too important not to give it a final chance but only if one can and never obligated or forced.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

I'm very glad you are going out with the kids. Yes to the car thing. But hopefully a good plan B can work if the car can't get fixed. 

Hopefully your little girl starts missing coming over to dads when she starts realizing all the fun and love she is missing out on. 

Looks like you are in a better place today than when you originally posted. May you days continue to get better and better, and if when you ever fall; that you realize that the process is hard and you will trip. But, that you can pick yourself up, dust off and keep on going in the right direction.:yay::yay::yay:


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