# The pain of looking at old pictures/videos of your family



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

I have boxes of hundreds and hundreds of family photos to go through and divvy up between me and my stbxw. It is something I am dreading, and I will make a point to do it on a day when I don't have to work the following day, as it will be obvious I was bawling my eyes out.

My son asked me the other day to watch his 1 year video - a video I made of his first year, with songs like "Into the Mystic", "Born at the right time", "In my life"...songs that are tearjerkers on their own merit, but in that context, oh boy. He wept quietly (he's 9), but my little girl, not even alive at the time (she's 6) cried hysterically. Seeing her family as it once was...she felt the pain in a big way. I lost my **** and cried my eyes out.

It guts me to know I won't be able to watch those videos or look at those old family photos without feeling pain and sorrow. Yet another deep cut that infidelity inflicts on those it touches. Once beautiful memories, forever tainted...instead of bringing back those good old days, brings anger, pain and sorrow.

My son said he doesn't want to see his video again because it's too painful. That breaks my heart.

It's so sad, that for me, anyway, all the good memories, the good times, the loving times, have been erased - and replaced with anger and pain. I don't _want_ to remember the good times, because to me, they were all lies. They never _really_ happened.

Even looking at my kids baby pictures - it brings pain...and that is just plain awful.

For those who's marriages were ended because of their WS's betrayal - can you look at those videos/pictures? Do you avoid them? What do you feel when you see/watch them?

So very sad.


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## WhyinSC (Dec 16, 2011)

After three years, a couple of girlfriends, and some time alone to reflect, all I feel now when looking at pictures and movies like that is numbish and a little pride mixed with a tiny amount of pain. I can actually smile at a lot of them. Those were good times and they were real. No stupid thing my ex did way after the fact can change that.

Give it some time and if you really, really try to heal and not just focus on what you lost but what you still have you'll begin to feel the same. I hope.

Same with my Login name. At the time it was all "WHY ME". Today I think it's a little stupid and not me at all in the present. I should change my login to "DoingJustGreatandHappy itAllHappenedBecauseI'mSoMuchHappierAndThankfulForAsecondChanceAtLifeWithoutAselfishSuckingMeDrySpouse. Or how about just lp. 

lp


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

WhyinSC said:


> After three years, a couple of girlfriends, and some time alone to reflect, all I feel now when looking at pictures and movies like that is numbish and a little pride mixed with a tiny amount of pain. I can actually smile at a lot of them. Those were good times and they were real. No stupid thing my ex did way after the fact can change that.
> 
> Give it some time and if you really, really try to heal and not just focus on what you lost but what you still have you'll begin to feel the same. I hope.
> 
> ...


Great post and great to hear.


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## Singledude21 (Feb 21, 2013)

My uncle has a very hard time coming to visit my place because my grandmother has family pictures all over the house. Sometimes even has to catch himself from tearing up. You can tell how he definitely prefers for me and my bro to visit him at his new place.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

I feel nothing when I think back on old photos. He rarely appeared in any. Now I understand why.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

So I did something a little different. I don't decorate my walls with paintings etc... I like Michael James Smith. He is my favorite painter. He does beautiful British Landscapes.

What I did was take pictures of us on our adventures. We went to Tennessee and had a blast and I have beautiful pictures there. I made a poster and am having it frames. I did the same for our Appalachian Trail hikes, their sports pics etc... My wall is decorated with pictures of us having great times now, simply because we are having great times now. Yes they were cute when they were little but I am more alive post Dday than I ever was so new memories are more important to me.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

It also helps to just look at snapshots. Not whole albums that show a history... Even for those that stay, it’s painful knowing ‘how it once was’ that can never be restored. 

And I do the same thing as Why... I focus on the thought that at that time, those were good memories for me regardless of what my WW was doing.


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## johnAdams (May 22, 2013)

We had several family pictures hanging in our bedroom. I told my wife I looked at them as "before" and "after" pictures. She recently took them all down. She rehung a few of them. She took me by the hand and led me to a family picture she hung in the hall and asked me if I was OK with it. I told her as much as I tried, it still caused me to trigger to much. It was a family picture taken within a month of her affair. She took the picture down. Hopefully, some day, that picture will not cause a trigger.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Do you have a friend who can do this for you? Can''t imagine doing this. I would be so pived, I would have a bag and give her a fistfull here and there and be done with it. Yet I know you want to sort out the ones that are meaningful to you. 

P.S. A dart board would help. Whenever you come upon a pic of your STBXW, put it on the dart board and how a go at it.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Had I known it caused you to trigger I would have taken it down sooner. It is safely hidden away. I didn't even know what triggers were until 3 months ago.
> 
> Thirty years my love...and still learning how to cope. We will eventually get there babe.


My wife never had a picture of me or us anywhere in our new house. Her parents, sisters, brothers, our kids, none of me. Last night, I was upstairs where she has our pictures and there in the middle of all of them is one of the two of us taken shortly after I got back from Iraq and we a professional photographer follow us around for half a day taking pics. My wife did not say a word to me about this, she just did it. Very nice.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

This story is so heartbreaking. I am so sorry you and your kids are having to experience this pain like this. But its good you have these videos. 

Gosh this is hard but you'll have to find a way to deal with it for their sake, if you actually have to do this with them in the room...... You'll have to model some kind of appropriate response....and lord knows what that should be. 

Maybe if you tear up you could say something like, "I just get emotional because your first year of life was such a miracle. You kids are the light of my life and that will always be the case."

Maybe show them its ok to cry but your tears are tears of joy because they are so dear to you. Maybe try to focus on something like that.

If you think she would be fair in the divvying up? I would have her do it. Then you can just put the box away for the kids.

If I were you I would want to go through the stuff to make sure I had copies of things to give the children when they are older and start families of their own. Long after you have all moved on you will want those videos and pix for them. 

Try not to review these things with the kids if its too painful and you are the one that has to do it.

My heart goes out to you. Please take care.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> This story is so heartbreaking. I am so sorry you and your kids are having to experience this pain like this. But its good you have these videos.
> 
> Gosh this is hard but you'll have to find a way to deal with it for their sake, if you actually have to do this with them in the room...... You'll have to model some kind of appropriate response....and lord knows what that should be.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I want to do it so I get what I want, and also the stbxw doesn't want to. I certainly won't do the sorting with the kids around - it'll be me by myself, a bunch of beers and the next day off of work.

14 months post dday, and I think I'm doing pretty well, then out of nowhere I'll break down. Seems random. Time moves strangely with this stuff. Seems forever ago and also like yesterday.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

I hate to look at any photos of the past right now.. I didn't tape Christmas morning this year for the first time. I know I can at least toss out the last ten years (her A was 5 years, so I round off) of photos and tapes because they'll trigger me.. Just thinking about what was going on in the background, behind my back during the vacations and 'special' moments.. graduations.. birthdays.. weddings.. 

I did rip up some wedding photos along with a drawing I made for her for her birthday, it was a pretty detailed illustration from high school that was worth about a grand if it were to be sold.. romantic, so it had to go...


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

I have to guess that this is fairly common. We have lots of pictures. Mostly that my wife took and mostly in boxes and envelopes. Digital too. When I see the wedding and courtship photos, that is fine and no big deal. When I see the pictures of us, my children in particular, as a young family with a world of promise before them, yeah, I break down a bit. As John Adams wrote, it's a world of before and after. I think I may have written something to the same effect long ago somewhere in these pages.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Not infidelity on my end, but definitely divorce... my exH ripped apart the family pictures and super glued others to the glass of the frames they were in at the corners so that they could never be replaced. 

The few that he didn't find, my 7yo has in his room. You can see the sadness on his face when he looks at them, but I've kept the ugly, abusive truth from him. 

Even I sometimes look at some of those and miss that feeling of love I can remember feeling at those moments. And fear that I broke apart my family and will never feel whole again. 

In my time on these boards, I've realized that physical abuse and infidelity have a lot of the same affects on the victim. Quite sad.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

russell28 said:


> I hate to look at any photos of the past right now.. I didn't tape Christmas morning this year for the first time. I know I can at least toss out the last ten years (her A was 5 years, so I round off) of photos and tapes because they'll trigger me.. Just thinking about what was going on in the background, behind my back during the vacations and 'special' moments.. graduations.. birthdays.. weddings..
> 
> I did rip up some wedding photos along with a drawing I made for her for her birthday, it was a pretty detailed illustration from high school that was worth about a grand if it were to be sold.. romantic, so it had to go...


ohh russell you should have sold it and bought yourself something nice if it was just going to get ripped up!

but i understand, i did this too, ripped a picture of us up where we both looked like movie stars... oh well


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Just put them in a box.. No need to deal with it right now. 

Funny when I finally went through the family photos I was in very few of them. It took me a moment to work out why then realized that I was the one taking them.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

russell28 said:


> I hate to look at any photos of the past right now.. I didn't tape Christmas morning this year for the first time. I know I can at least toss out the last ten years (her A was 5 years, so I round off) of photos and tapes because they'll trigger me.. Just thinking about what was going on in the background, behind my back during the vacations and 'special' moments.. graduations.. birthdays.. weddings..
> 
> I did rip up some wedding photos along with a drawing I made for her for her birthday, it was a pretty detailed illustration from high school that was worth about a grand if it were to be sold.. romantic, so it had to go...


Are you divorcing?

I didn't video xmas this year either. Just didn't have it in me.

I removed any trace of her from the house - save the pix in boxes. It's like she didn't exist. Perfect!


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

DO NOT destroy any of this. I promise you will regret it later. Not that you threatened to but we have had threads...


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> DO NOT destroy any of this. I promise you will regret it later. Not that you threatened to but we have had threads...


I destroyed pics of her (and only her). Anything else I will give to her...photos with all 4 of us in them - I don't want those, but I won't destroy - she can have 'em, or do whatever with them.


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## disconnected (May 30, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> P.S. A dart board would help. Whenever you come upon a pic of your STBXW, put it on the dart board and how a go at it.


Thanks for the great idea. I have a photo of OW and WH together ... 

can't wait to set up a dartboard .... 

Incoming!!

BULLSEYE


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## Visionknower (Oct 14, 2013)

After discovering the sordid truth about my SA STBXH, who had consistently and obsessively used prostitution throughout most of our 20 year marriage, I had a very difficult time calibrating the reality of what I had once believe to be true with the disgusting reality of what had actually been true for all of these years. Family photos activated so much pain and anger any time I looked through them I would be both furious and traumatized, frozen in a state of shock and deep suffering. Knowing how deceived and violated we had all been by my fraudulent STBXH. It was overwhelmingly difficult to comprehend. At this time right after discovery I could not make any sense out of what had really happened.

I am an artist and quite good with Photoshop and cut and paste hand work also so I went through all of our family albums, and digital photo files and redid the photos of my husband to more closely match the reality of what was really going on throughout the years of our marriage. I superimposed images of h00kers $trippers and prostitutes beside my STBXH in place of myself, our daughters and other family members. I was even able to find a few $tripper and escort photos that were photos of some of the actual real women that he had frequented. I restocked our family albums and I replaced framed photos on the shelves and walls of our home with these images that were nice little works of art. They turned out to be some of the most hilarious images I have ever seen. Some were gaudy and kitch and many were quite nice works of art in their own right. 

My STBXH has always prided himself in being seen as a great guy, a devoted father and husband and an upstanding pillar of the community. He hates being seen any other way and was quite sure no one would ever find out the truth of who he really was and what he was doing. Having these images of what he actually was and what he was really doing displayed with our family photos and in the family albums bothered him greatly, the few times he was able to see them. I think he was shocked that I found images of women he had actually paid to have s*x with and had displayed them this way like these images of him and his h00kers were just a part of our familiar history, which they actually, unfortunately for his wife and family, were.

These images continually had anyone that saw them rolling in the floor laughing. Many friends and other people that were in our home, like the census lady and the tech guy that came to fix a comp, found them quite fascinating. I was very dry and honest about exactly what they were and why I had created them. Many people got to see them and this even included a few of STBXH’s relatives and friends. Most people would just look at them smiling with amazement and would find themselves laughing as they looked at one after another. These images were funny and entertaining to say the least.

I have just recently taken them all down and have photos of my daughters and myself and other family and friends displayed around our home and none of STBXH. (my daughters are all almost grown young women now)

This may seem like a silly or childish thing to do but it was actually one of the most therapeutic and helpful things I did right after discovery. I was able to channel my outrage, anger and pain through my artistic talents and sense of humor, in a creative endeavor that turned out to literally be a quest to make sense of the truth. This really helped me process and move through the pain that family photos and videos activate in me.


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

I feel exactly how you feel. I just advoid them. They remind me of the humiliation I have been subjected to. And it is going to take a while to heel. My advice, do not look at them it rehashes wounds that have not healed as of yet. I promise it gets better. My ex abandoned me while pregnant and sick with cancer. I really understand where you are coming from.


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## Betrayed and Broken (Jan 23, 2014)

Having only recently found out that my wife of 25 years has been cheating on me for the past 7-and-a-half years with 6 different guys, I have taken all my wedding photo's off the wall and May bin them, even though we are in IC & MC and are still together (May not last due to my pain and suffering). Every photo I see that was taken after January 2006 makes me think 'she had already betrayed me when that photo was taken'. Don't know how long my mental health will hold up, as I have 6 guys to have images of constantly flashing through my head 24/7. 

I hope you make it through the nightmare my friend. Good luck to you.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

It took a while to view things, pictures what not. But a year after the fact I was able to look and not be over whelmed. You know like dude in silver linings movie. Dating after and two years later, doing way better than I was. Moved on nicely after. Junked my garbage the other life you know. Zero evidence she existed. Easier to do without kids. Give it time bro as the days pass so do the memories of that life before the "crazy" happened.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

My ex and I were supposed to split pictures up. She took them and told me I could have them anytime to look at or copy. A year later I found a great deal to have them all digitized. I asked her for them and told her why. She "requested" a $500 refundable deposit to let me borrow them. Said she didn't trust me (really? the cheater doesn't trust the loyal ex?). Needless to say I told her where to stick them. Maybe one day I'll get to see them again. But at this point, I probably couldn't stomach it anyway.


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

OP - that was devastating to read. I'm so, so sorry. I can't imagine feeling that pain. I want the best for you and your children. Forgive me for saying this, but I wish your ex was there watching you and your kids cry, only then would she realize the pain that these types of things inflict.

I have kept two things. 

1. My wedding rings. The original, plus a replacement backup ring because I lost about 10-12 pounds during our marriage and the original did not fit anymore.

2. Our wedding photo book that we put together a few months after our wedding happened.

I don't know why I kept them. 

I kept our engagement photos for awhile. My wife looked pissed that I was keeping them, not because she wanted them, but she couldn't figure out why I was holding on to something that was dying or dead.

After learning of the affair I threw them away. 

My ex-wife, during our rummage sale we had when we sold our house and separated, placed almost all of the items on the table that I had bought for her. Imagine the pain and digust as I watched people come up and buy things that I bought for her and walk away with them. She was completely unfazed.


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