# I need help



## Calvinj198 (Sep 20, 2010)

So my wife and I have been having issues for a long time. I recently found out she had an emotional affair with a guy for about two weeks, they kissed but no sex. She admitted it to me after I asked her about it 5-6 times.

After talking to her about it she says that she will give our marriage another try, a 100% honest effort. I asked her if she was willing to close her heart off to him and try to reopen it to me. Note this all started because of the usually fog talk, I'm not in love with you anymore, I just don't feel it, I can't stand to be around you etc. 

So far things are going decent, I'm trying to be a better husband and father, show her I care and be there for her like I should have been for so long. I'm still angry about the affair and hurt by it, but I'm trying to work that out.

The issue is it doesn't feel like she's into it. I mean every now and then she'll seem to be a little happy, and when she hugs me it seems intimate, but I don't know. She only stopped talking to this guy 3 days ago, and only knew him for two weeks. She swears her feelings for him weren't super deep, but that she does/did develop feelings for him. I had her send the no contact email, and delete his number/email address. He still has her info, but when I saw him text her she deleted the messages on the spot without responding. I don't trust her, but I don't think she would respond to him if he emailed her again. (and yes I do check both her emails for emails from him or sent by her.)

I guess my question is a two parter, how long til she will start getting over him and be able to recommit herself to me? Should I eliminate sex from the marriage until we have decided to reconcile for good?


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

You need to find out why she strayed, she's unhappy or insecure about something otherwise she would have never entertained the idea of an EA...


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## Calvinj198 (Sep 20, 2010)

We've talked about this a lot, and she says it was the constant fighting and not feeling love or appreciated. She said that she doesn't feel like I was ever really there for our daughter or her, that I would spend hours playing video games instead of paying attention to her or our daughter. She also said that she doesn't feel like I was there for her emotionally when she was pregnant with our daughter (9 mos. old now). Also, she said that she thinks our relationship was just founded on sex and that she never really fell in love with me. She got pregnant around 4 months after we were dating. I don't know how much of this is affair talk and how much is real, but I've stopped playing video games and I'm trying to be a better man and show her I care.


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## Calvinj198 (Sep 20, 2010)

Also she only knew this guy for two weeks, she was deployed with him for that long. She says they were just friends and talked, but I guess she and I got into a fight 3 days before she was supposed to come home and that's when she turned to him emotionally and started talking about how bad our marriage was and then from there it developed into a bond.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

RWB just may be right here calvin. so.........

u can stick yer head in the sand if u want to or,

u can do some quiet, CALM, digging/snooping around.

most fellas freak out and confront their W's yet, i say take a 

page out from most ladies home journals and do some detective

work. it may be as she says, or it may not. 

u really wanna know? or do u wanna just be "snowed."

yer call drill sgt major.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> We've talked about this a lot, and she says it was the constant fighting and not feeling love or appreciated. She said that she doesn't feel like I was ever really there for our daughter or her, that I would spend hours playing video games instead of paying attention to her or our daughter. She also said that she doesn't feel like I was there for her emotionally when she was pregnant with our daughter (9 mos. old now). Also, she said that she thinks our relationship was just founded on sex and that she never really fell in love with me. She got pregnant around 4 months after we were dating. I don't know how much of this is affair talk and how much is real, but I've stopped playing video games and I'm trying to be a better man and show her I care.


While some of this sounds like the affair-fog that may be slowly dissipating, there is a ring of truth to it. There are some things you can do that WILL help your marriage: here is a series of questionnaires that both of you can take. Two great reasons to take these: first, they give you some crystal clear goals on which to work, and second, they open up some amazing conversation that is guaranteed to help you grow closer.

These are tools to help you work on your marriage (same concept as using tools to work on a construction project: makes is a LOT easier...)

Emotional Needs questionnaire (from Marriagebuilders.com)

Love Busters questionnaire (also from marriagebuilders)

Take those two and spend a week or two concentrating on removing the top 2 or 3 Love Busters and working on her top 2 or 3 Emotional Needs.

Here are two similar questionnaires (they are a little more detailed - but the extra effort often worth it):

Love Kindlers questionnaire (from Affaircare.com)

Love Extinguishers questionnaire (also from affaircare)

Another very important tool is to find out your personality 'types' (find out how you interact, etc.) I can't emphasize the usefulness of this one! It is very fun to take, fun to talk about - and in the end will make it exponentially easier for you and your wife to overcome troubles in your marriage - and in any other setting.

Myers Briggs Personality Type quiz

Once you find out your 'types' you can look up some descriptions and comparisons here. Also a very good site here on the same subject.


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