# Confused: To Divorce or Not to Divorce?



## dantanph (Feb 7, 2010)

I met my husband five years ago through a mutual friend. After two years of dating, we tied the knot in the Catholic church. Had a son who is now 27 months.

Before we even celebrated our first year wedding anniversary and on my sixth month of pregnancy, I decided to go back to my home country. This decision of course was in consultation with my husband. The primary reason I went is that my mother will be there to help me when I give birth and the second reason is a good job opportunity that rarely comes. So, in 2008, I went and had an early labor three weeks before the expected date. Hence, my husband missed the birth of our son by two days as he was not scheduled to fly in yet at that time.

Our initial agreement was that after the first birthday of our son, we will move back to the US. When that time came, recession was hitting the US pretty bad and the job prospects are not good. So, I asked my husband if I can stay for one more year. He agreed as he knows that his income alone cannot support the family in the US. As you can probably tell, I earn more than him. For the past 27 months, my husband did not provide any child support to our son. On my income alone, I am maintaining the whole household. Please note that I am fine with this and I never made the child support an issue because I know how much he only gets.

So, another year has passed. But instead of going back, I extended my contract for another 6 months. Again, this is in consultation with my husband. Every time it happens, he would agree and would not say anything. So, I thought everything is okay. Until July 2010 on his last visit to us to celebrate our son's 2nd birthday. On his way to the US (with ticket I bought for him), he made a stop over in one of the Asian cities and there he met a 21-year old student who attends the same university I attended for my graduate degree. The day he left me from where I am stationed, he also started a relationship with this student. They hit it off instantly and from that time forward my husband stopped emailing me, calling me, or texting me. He said because of his military training, he cannot call or text or email me. I was fine with that.

Until 17 September when a voice inside my head was telling me to check my husband's email. I did check. And I got the shocked of my life. He has been in close communication with this 21-year old girl for the past three months and they are talking about getting married and my husband even told her that he sees her as his wife and the mother of his kids and that they should not care what people say. Of course there are lusty part of the emails about things they did together, which I would not go into details. They are exchanging "I love you's."

I was in an emotional roller coaster ride since 17 September 2010. At first, I want to save the marriage. Then I want to end it. Until on 21 September through God's guidance, I decided to go to the US to talk to my husband to salvage our marriage. No matter how expensive the airfare was and how far I have to travel, I went. To give you an idea, I traveled a total of 30,000 miles to literally beg my husband on bended knees to take me back and my son and give our family a chance. The entire week I was there begging and making up for my shortcomings, my husband was not able to make a decision. He said he does not want to get hurt and he cannot decide on whether to choose me+my son or the the student. My spirit was crushed. But I agreed to give him a week to give me a decision.

When I arrived on where I am currently based in Asia, just an hour when I got back, another voice was telling me to check my husband's bank account. So, I did, Again, I got the shock of my life. While I was in the US begging for my husband to take me back and my son he has been sending the student flowers and gifts. Immediately, at that point, I have realized that our marriage is over. So, I called him and told him it is over. Of course, he was furious and got back to me with an email saying that:

"_I was trying not to hurt anybody more than the other. I sent her flowers with a card saying, thank for being my friend and I hope we can still be friends in the future. I was going to choose you. But your over reaction to everything is what pissed me off. You don't have to call so many times or voice messages text email what ever it may be. Your OCD gets the better of you. Your trip here was changing my mind, but you changed everything. I think you know what my decision is now for sure. I don't care at this point if I go home to nobody. Just to have some peace and relaxation when I get home is what I need. I alienated someone else in my life to make you happy and now I will go home to no one. Don't respond with the thought of trying to change my mind. I've made a decision and I am sticking with it. Nobody wins. At this point I just want to make things right for our son._"

I did not buy it. If he is going to choose me, shouldn't I be the one receiving flowers? I know it is silly, it is just flowers. But for me, his actions speak volumes.

So, right now, I am in a cross road and I would like to request each and everyone of you to please pray for me for more strength to overcome this trials and more love to share to my son. Please especially pray for my son that I will be able to raise him with so much love that he would not feel he is missing a father.

I WOULD LIKE TO DRAW INSIGHTS FROM BOTH MEN AND WOMEN:

FROM MEN: What do you think of my husband's actions? Can you really love someone in three months time of texting, emails, and phone calls? Can you really say you want to build a family with her? Can you just easily forget about your wife and son just like that? What about the flowers? Is it really justified? By the way, my husband never said sorry for being unfaithful. When I asked him why, he said, he felt what he did was justified because he thought I was never coming back. The entire three months he stopped communicating with me, I have made up my mind to go back to the US on January 2011 but was not able to tell him because he said he cannot be contacted because of military restrictions. Do you think my actions justified what he did? I feel it is all my fault.

FOR WOMEN: Would you have done the same thing I did? Would you react the same way I did about the flowers?

BOTH: I am confused whether I am making the right decision about ending our marriage. Everybody around me thinks this is the best for me and my son. But deep inside me I am unsure. I still very much love my husband despite the infidelity. I love him. For those of you who have gone through this phase, when will the love stop. I am having difficulty of letting go because I am afraid of losing him and I really do love him. I have never loved any other man in my life the way I have loved him.

Thank you very much in anticipation to your reply and apologies for the long post.


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## lilah (May 6, 2010)

ok. Your husband is playing you both... of course he was not cutting it off with her, he is trying to put the blame on you, making you feel like you could have been together if you wouldn't have made the "mistake" of being mad about him sending another woman flowers! If I can be blunt, you don't need this guy. He isn't there for you or your son financially or physically, he doesn't deserve your love. Easier said than done I know, but you've gotten by for years without him and all he's doing is hurting you.


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## dantanph (Feb 7, 2010)

Thanks, Lilah!


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## larky (Nov 27, 2009)

dantanph,

MMM G If he really loved you, then why forget about emailing you then cheating on you? sounds like he wants his dinner and desert to? 

Are you by chance in your 20s? Did you meet your American husband who is a veteran in your home country? Curios as to which country you are from? I am a us vet and can relate to the story you are talking about.


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## dantanph (Feb 7, 2010)

Larky,

Thanks!

I am on my 30s. I met the father of my son while I was in graduate school in the US.

He is a HS graduate working as a technician when I met him. He is also on his 30s. 

We are the same age.

So, I am not one of those people you are probably thinking I am.


Cheers!


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## s_b (Oct 5, 2011)

Dantanph, I am in a similar situation right now myself for different reasons. But based on your story it sounds like you both lost emotional connection years ago. You are used to rely on yourself only and your husband is not raising your son. It sounds like you are already divorced.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

He deceived you--would you ever trust him again? Given that you are so independent, would you be willing to become more interdependent? You have a lot to lose by even trying to repair all this--you might have to sacrifice your career and move back to the states, for example, to be together.

A young marriage cannot usually sustain that much separation. I'm not sure why he didn't stay in your country with you and be a stay-at-home-dad; was he in the military and w/o any choice in the matter?

But he has tried to make it "your fault" that he is walking away-ha. So incredibly typical of cheaters; it is called blameshifting. "I was going to choose you. . .Now YOU blew it." Uh, he should have been crawling back on his knees, begging, and hoping YOU would choose him. 

Never beg someone to come back to you--it gives them the false impression that they are in control, and sooner or later you will deeply regret that. Stay in control of the fact that HE WAS THE CHEATER. 

If he ever becomes willing to admit that, to beg your forgiveness and then promise--and do--everything you need to feel secure in the relationship (everything--you have all his passwords; his phone is in your name so you can check his records, etc., etc., etc), then you MIGHT consider letting this poor excuse for a spouse back into your life. Maybe. 

I'm sorry you are in this situation, and i wish you luck moving forward.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

you have no upper hand here.
he doesnt care if you are together.
you seem like you do.

Unless you can change his mind, you have nothing to do but grovel.

doesnt look good.

you could leave him, and move one. But im sure that is what you want.
Appears he already did from so much separation. Probably doesnt even care at this point he has probably been with others you dont even know about. you were out of sight, out of mind.


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

she is gone


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## Very Sad (Mar 31, 2013)

He's mad at you? Please. This jerk cheated on you and then gets mad because you are OCD about it? Wow. Get on with your life. This guy is an entitled loser!


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

Very Sad said:


> He's mad at you? Please. This jerk cheated on you and then gets mad because you are OCD about it? Wow. Get on with your life. This guy is an entitled loser!


she hasn't posted in 2 years. she did get on with her life. dead post


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