# How much does trust & loyalty mean to you?



## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

To me wether it's a friend, family member, or my spouse, I have always been loyal & trustworthy and especially to my wife when it comes to cheating because it means EVERYTHING to me. If I cannot trust her and she cheats on me I have absolutely no use for her in my life; does anyone else feel this way too?


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## BearMoose22 (Apr 13, 2012)

Yep, cheating is a deal breaker
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Am exactly like you, OP.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Take one of my sisters for example; she has been cheated on TWICE that she knows of by her husband but yet she is still with him after 17 years of marriage, and she has decided to forgive him for both times and move forward. But myself and the rest of our siblings just keep telling her that if he does it again she only has herself to blame for not leaving him.


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## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

For me it's the foundation. Everyone starts in my book with 100%. I will trust you, until you give me a reason not to. And once that trust is broken, I will no longer respect that individual in the same way. I will forgive but that doesn't mean it will be forgotten.


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## EliasFaust (Apr 16, 2012)

she has been cheated on TWICE that she knows of by her husband


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I can only understand these terms in concrete situations. Trust means that someone gives me acces or even control of something because they know I will do the right thing with it. Loyalty means that someone hears something negative about me, they will give me a chance to speak to it. And they will also support me against others who choose to be my adversary.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

100% requirement - there is no middle ground in my opinion.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

Trust and loyalty are necessary for me. I know myself well enough to say that cheating would be an eventual deal breaker. I would probably try to forgive and get over it but my nature is such that I tend to hold on to these things...forever. Eventually my resentment would get the better of me and it would be done and over. I guess I'm not as forgiving as I'd like to be but cheating would kill my trust forever.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Could you imagine staying with a spouse that has cheated on you, and then one day they try and chew your ass over something petty(compared to what they did) like forgetting to take out the trash - or leaving some crumbs on the couch - or something like that. You are going to immediately look at them when that happens like..................."DON'T EVEN GO THERE CHEATER"!!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Exclusivity and fidelity to each other is the true tenant of Christian, and as far as I know, most other religious marriages. It's the primary reason that we bring ourselves to pledge our undying loyalty, our love, and our wholeness to that one special person, and have them in turn reciprocate that pledge. That is what marriage is truly all about!

And a violation of that most sacred trust, with extremely rare exception, is a total deal-breaker in my book!


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Here are examples of forgiveable offenses to me that have happened before by a spouse or girlfriend and were totally forgiven:

- Erasing a very important playoff game that I recorded & planned on watching after work.

- Running over my sore toe with the vaccum cleaner causing it to bleed.

- Backing the car out and running over the new golf club I just bought.($75 down the drain)

- Ruining my brand new Van Halen t-shirt shirt that I got at the concert by shrinking it in the dryer accidentally($25 down the drain).


Buuuuut as far as CHEATING on me goes.........1,000% *unforgiveable!! *


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

I hope I never get cheated on because I know it'll ruin the relationship forever. 
If someone cheats on me, I don't think I'll ever be able to fully trust them again. The doubts will always be in my head. If he was able to do it once, he broke the ice so he might as well do it again and again until he gets caught. 
The lack of communication is one of the main reasons for cheating. If partners are not open to each other and if they don't talk about their problems then the chances of cheating/being cheated on get higher. 
If I ever get cheated on, I hope to be cold enough to be able to never forgive him and break up whether it's relationship/marriage.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

For me:

No trust = No marriage


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Everything.


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## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

Agree.. Everything. 

Without this I could not "completely" love someone.

IMO if I can't trust you (ie.. feel you were capable of risking our whole relationship over a little strange) you obviously don't love me enough to give my whole life (heart, health, happiness) to you, therefore I would not be able to give that to you ni return either.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Trust, loyalty, honesty, and respect mean everything to me also.

Before marriage I told my wife that if she were ever attracted to another man that she should tell me, but if I ever found out she had an affair, I would be gone. I meant it then and still do.

You can work on problems in a marriage with communication and honesty on both sides. Maybe work them out, maybe not.

But once the infidelity cat is out of the bag, you cannot put it back in.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

Sorry...I have to be the ONE person who comments opposite. If you asked me 3 years ago I would have been posting the exact same comments. NOW I am not going there. Because my H had an EA and a kissed a girl (no sex), but we are working on recovery. 

I'm thankful that we can get past this and work it out. Yes trust is a must in a marriage-so we are taking time to rebuild and gain trust. So I applaud your sister. She can make her decision on the third time to leave, or trust and know and never have a third time???


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Again wether it's a spouse, family member, or friend; if I cannot fully trust that person then I have no use for them at all.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> I can only understand these terms in concrete situations. Trust means that someone gives me acces or even control of something because they know I will do the right thing with it. Loyalty means that someone hears something negative about me, they will give me a chance to speak to it. And they will also support me against others who choose to be my adversary.


And, in your opinion, what happens to trust when the other person thinks you're misusing control? What happens to loyalty when you're unable to justify or explain the negative? What happens to support when you're in the wrong?

I understand your points. The distinctions are good ones. However, that would only work if you were always right. I'm assuming you have a way to handle checks and balances. Would you call someone disloyal for disagreeing with you or for not supporting your wrongs, simply because there is an adversary who also calls the thing in question wrong? Also, does the reverse apply? If you trust someone, do you yield control? If you are loyal, will you accept someone else's word above others, and would you do so above an adversary?

I'm not suggesting that you, yourself, are biased only in favor of yourself (nor am I opposing your view), but often, people are biased because they only extend the "right" to the self, so I'm interested in the nuances of this distinction you've made.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Trust and loyalty can be easily broken. However, if a person proves himself to be untrustworthy, that is, not just slipping up by mistake but being fundamentally unworthy of trust, or if someone proves disloyal not by succumbing accidentally to temptation, but being unwilling to enforce loyalty when it counts, then the whole thing is worsened. People make mistakes all the time. But, if they want to fix something, they will. If they work to earn that trust and faith in them again, then it isn't a fundamental flaw in moral character, but a mistake. Unfortunately, most people who break trust and loyalty do so because they are fundamentally lacking in integrity rather than simply fallible and they show their true colors when that is tested.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

To me it(cheating)is and always will be the ultimate knife/machete in the back, and a wound that does not heal until I wash my hands with that person.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

moxy said:


> Trust and loyalty can be easily broken. However, if a person proves himself to be untrustworthy, that is, not just slipping up by mistake but being fundamentally unworthy of trust, or if someone proves disloyal not by succumbing accidentally to temptation, but being unwilling to enforce loyalty when it counts, then the whole thing is worsened. People make mistakes all the time. But, if they want to fix something, they will. If they work to earn that trust and faith in them again, then it isn't a fundamental flaw in moral character, but a mistake. Unfortunately, most people who break trust and loyalty do so because they are fundamentally lacking in integrity rather than simply fallible and they show their true colors when that is tested.


My H's idea of working to earn trust is to say "I love you" over and over and promise to never do it again. He spent so many years telling me what he thought I wanted to hear and not telling me what I needed to hear, that I find myself unable to regain trust in him. It's not that I believe another A is likely, it's just that I find myself married to a stranger. I can't connect with this new guy, he's just not what I signed on for. I am still here because I have to be, because of economic and family concerns; and because he insists that I owe him the chance to make it up to me; whatever that means? My first marriage was to a person who never put me first in any situation, I ended the relationship because of his disloyalty. When I met my current H, he was recovering from a failed marriage that ended because his then wife cheated on him. We both valued loyalty above all else, or so I thought. Now that I know how being cheated on feels, I could never do that to another person, I wonder how my H was able to justify doing this to me, having been though it himself? I wonder what kind of person is capable of this, and I am not sure a trusting relationship with such a person is even wise.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

oaksthorne said:


> My H's idea of working to earn trust is to say "I love you" over and over and promise to never do it again. He spent so many years telling me what he thought I wanted to hear and not telling me what I needed to hear, that I find myself unable to regain trust in him. It's not that I believe another A is likely, it's just that I find myself married to a stranger. I can't connect with this new guy, he's just not what I signed on for. I am still here because I have to be, because of economic and family concerns; and because he insists that I owe him the chance to make it up to me; whatever that means? My first marriage was to a person who never put me first in any situation, I ended the relationship because of his disloyalty. When I met my current H, he was recovering from a failed marriage that ended because his then wife cheated on him. We both valued loyalty above all else, or so I thought. Now that I know how being cheated on feels, I could never do that to another person, I wonder how my H was able to justify doing this to me, having been though it himself? I wonder what kind of person is capable of this, and I am not sure a trusting relationship with such a person is even wise.


wow!! what a coward! How can someone who's been cheated on ...now cheat on someone else? 
That's so heartless!!!!!


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

After my last rodeo which lasted over twenty years, I have concluded that I wouldn't recognize a trustworthy woman or "friend" if one was standing in front of me. I will go to my grave assuming that each of us have our own agenda and it may not be the one I am presented with.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

hookares said:


> After my last rodeo which lasted over twenty years, I have concluded that I wouldn't recognize a trustworthy woman or "friend" if one was standing in front of me. I will go to my grave assuming that each of us have our own agenda and it may not be the one I am presented with.


lol. :rofl: sadly, soooooooooo true.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I don't care what you think. Just be loyal. Suck it up and row, dammit.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

damn, right-- EVERYTHING!!!

without trust, there is no loyalty. i'm loyal to those i trust-- GET IT?!


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> wow!! what a coward! How can someone who's been cheated on ...now cheat on someone else?
> That's so heartless!!!!!


It was my fault of course, I didn't love him, or so he told himself to justify getting involved with someone young enough to be his daughter. He is sure that if I want to badly enough, I can just put this all behind me and everything will be ok. The problem with that is that if he had just wanted to badly enough he could have made himself unavailable for the seduction campaign she waged and won. It was very cruel to do this to our family, just for an ego boost, and I have to agree that it was cowardly not to confront whatever issues he had with me before all the harm was done. It is very hard to trust someone whose morality is this situational.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

My wife feels the exact same way about it as I do and said that if I ever went a stray that I better just keep right on going, because there would be absolutely no forgiving me or taking me back if that ever happened.


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## gav (Nov 13, 2011)

Trust is, simply put ... everything.


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