# I Don’t Know What To Do



## RMM6167 (Apr 10, 2021)

I need help. I’m in such a dark place right now. I have suspected that my husband was cheating on me for a few months now but I finally got my proof Saturday morning when I eavesdropped on his phone call. I confronted him and he confessed he’s in love with a coworker, he’s never been happier, and he’s not sorry it happened because she gave him something I wasn't giving him. He didn’t apologize. He said he was planning on ending it at some point and never telling me about it and just going back to being unhappy with me. We have two children so I am sure that’s the only reason he hasn’t left me. I asked him to end it now and he said it’s complicated because he doesn’t want to hurt her. He doesn’t care about hurting me though. 
So I don’t know what to do. My first reaction was to ask for a separation but that would mean he would have joint custody of our kids and I just can’t let them go. They are literally the only good thing I have left. And honestly he never wanted them in the first place so I worry they wouldn’t be treated as well as they should be. My second option is to just stay and cling to the hope that he will end it like he says he will and that we can somehow salvage our marriage. But I feel like he doesn’t have any romantic feelings for me at all anymore. I’m just the mother of his children. He practically bit my head off when I called this an affair. And he doesn’t think I can make him happy ever again. Also he told the other woman that I found out and she asked him if they have a future together. He says he has been avoiding the question. But this woman is also married although going through a divorce so I fear once that happens he’s gone for good. He is adamant that he doesn’t want to divorce me because he doesn’t want the embarrassment of our family and friends finding out what he did. But it seems like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Meanwhile I’m heartbroken. I can barely eat. I can’t focus at work. I’m barely hanging on. Is there any hope for us? Could he change his mind once he ends his affair and want to work things out?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I think you need to take a big unemotional step back and look at the situation from top down.

Do you really want this man as a husband or perhaps your just feeling scared and vulnerable right now.

Consider that if you take him back you may find yourself in the same position one day.... or perhaps as soon as that other lady is divorced.

Despiration isn’t a good look for anyone


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## RMM6167 (Apr 10, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> I think you need to take a big unemotional step back and look at the situation from top down.
> 
> Do you really want this man as a husband or perhaps your just feeling scared and vulnerable right now.
> 
> ...


You’re absolutely right. I have always been a very emotional person but when I have moments of clarity I see the situation for what it is and I don’t want to be with this person. The only thing stopping me is not wanting to give up my kids. And that’s a very difficult thing for me to come to terms with.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

All cheaters lie a lot. Inform the other woman’s husband without telling your husband. That’s your first important step.

See at least 3 divorce attorneys for free consultations. Take control or your cheating husband will.

You are only a chump if you allow it.

You do not need his permission on anything.

Talk in these scenarios will get you nothing. Only your actions will count.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

RMM6167 said:


> You’re absolutely right. I have always been a very emotional person but when I have moments of clarity I see the situation for what it is and I don’t want to be with this person. The only thing stopping me is not wanting to give up my kids. And that’s a very difficult thing for me to come to terms with.


If you stay in this. It will be your life/future. Be careful what you teach your children. They learn most from their parents. Being a martyr is a thankless task.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

RMM6167 said:


> You’re absolutely right. I have always been a very emotional person but when I have moments of clarity I see the situation for what it is and I don’t want to be with this person. The only thing stopping me is not wanting to give up my kids. And that’s a very difficult thing for me to come to terms with.


You won't be giving up your children. Yes he will have visitation and at most maybe 50/50, but that can be worked out. Do you want your children growing up this way? Teach them how to respect oneself and file. Seek legal advice from an attorney and protect yourself. Just know it may not seem it now but it will be better for you and your children.


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## RMM6167 (Apr 10, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> All cheaters lie a lot. Inform the other woman’s husband without telling your husband. That’s your first important step.
> 
> See at least 3 divorce attorneys for free consultations. Take control or your cheating husband will.
> 
> ...


The other woman is bisexual and is married to a woman. They are separated and I don’t know how to even contact her. My husband and this woman were connected through the HR director at their job if you can believe that. Everyone knew he was married.
I will look up divorce attorneys.


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## RMM6167 (Apr 10, 2021)

Benbutton said:


> You won't be giving up your children. Yes he will have visitation and at most maybe 50/50, but that can be worked out. Do you want your children growing up this way? Teach them how to respect oneself and file. Seek legal advice from an attorney and protect yourself. Just know it may not seem it now but it will be better for you and your children.


No I don’t want my children to grow up this way. I want them to know their mother is a strong self respecting woman. I do need to seek legal advice. I know the minute I ask for a divorce he will go on the defensive and I don’t know what he is capable of doing.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

RMM6167 said:


> The other woman is bisexual and is married to a woman. They are separated and I don’t know how to even contact her. My husband and this woman were connected through the HR director at their job if you can believe that. Everyone knew he was married.
> I will look up divorce attorneys.


When you are interviewing attorneys look at recourse from the company for their actions in this. Any extra you can get. You’ll need it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Even if he ends his affair, that doesn’t mean he’ll go back to being who you thought he was.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hi RMM6167,
Everyone has given you stellar advice and you seem to be thinking clearly. You already know what you have to do, even if you're afraid of the unknown. Reading your story was like reliving mine, except without children, down to you being very emotional and having moments of clarity.

Imagine, he put another woman's feelings above yours and his flesh and blood. Stone cold mofo. Your husband is a traitor to you and your children, you do not owe him any notice of what you think and do hereon out.

Definitely start seeing divorce lawyers. See a few of the best ones just to prevent your husband from engaging them. You need to learn your rights and the process before you make any serious moves. 

Are you financially independent, employed? Do you have a support system? Friends, family? Even if you do, please consider getting counseling to help see you through this. Keep posting, someone will always be here to listen, commiserate and help. Have courage!


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

RMM6167 said:


> No I don’t want my children to grow up this way. I want them to know their mother is a strong self respecting woman. I do need to seek legal advice. I know the minute I ask for a divorce he will go on the defensive and I don’t know what he is capable of doing.


Do not ask for a divorce. If you can, carry on as if nothing has changed while you do what you need to do. Take back your agency and act. He's been living a double life for God knows how long. You owe him no considerations any longer. Btw, if you have been sexually active, please schedule an appointment with your doctor and have an STD panel. The last thing you need now is illness on top of the ****storm your "loving" husband put you in.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Gets your ducks in a row. This marriage is toast and deep down you know it. You deserve a man that loves you. This one is a dishonest, unfaithful jerk that will get his just desserts soon enough. Lawyer up. For your benefit and your children's future!

What a pair these two cheaters will make. They deserve what's coming. Don't fear. The end is inevitable. Take control of the driver's seat. He doesn't have you or your children's best interest.


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## RMM6167 (Apr 10, 2021)

TXTrini said:


> Hi RMM6167,
> Everyone has given you stellar advice and you seem to be thinking clearly. You already know what you have to do, even if you're afraid of the unknown. Reading your story was like reliving mine, except without children, down to you being very emotional and having moments of clarity.
> 
> Imagine, he put another woman's feelings above yours and his flesh and blood. Stone cold mofo. Your husband is a traitor to you and your children, you do not owe him any notice of what you think and do hereon out.
> ...


I’m so sorry you went through this as well. I really do appreciate all the advice. It’s helping me so much to keep a clear mind. I am employed and actually make more money than he does so I know that will factor in. I do have a very close friend that I have confided in but am looking into counseling as well. I imagine I have a long road ahead of me.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

RMM6167 said:


> I’m so sorry you went through this as well. I really do appreciate all the advice. It’s helping me so much to keep a clear mind. I am employed and actually make more money than he does so I know that will factor in. I do have a very close friend that I have confided in but am looking into counseling as well. I imagine I have a long road ahead of me.


Thank you. Unfortunately, many of us have this in common, that's why we truly feel for you and have your best interest at heart. 

You're way ahead of the game, being financially independent. I don't think your road will be as long as you think, you seem clear-minded and decisive. Of course you'll have to work out custodial arrangements, but one thing at a time. 

For now, indulge in some self-care, you need to be as strong as you can to take care of you and your children. Keep posting, we're happy to be your very own cheer squad!


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

What an asshole. Hell, I'd tell your kids if they are old enough. He's a remorseless POS.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Inform the other woman’s husband without telling your husband. That’s your first important step.


Then tell both of your families as well as your friends too, before he comes up with a story/excuse of why you are so terrible that he just had to cheat. Besides, why would you want to keep that secret for him? That's what he wants.

No matter how many times he tells his bull story, you didn't make him cheat. He made a choice to be selfish and to lie and to sneak around and to cheat on his wife, children, family, etc.


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## anna2020 (Dec 3, 2020)

Honey, at least he confessed! Mine hasn't and it drives me crazy! If he cheated once, he will cheat again. You CANNOT "salvage a marriage" it's like once a fruit is bad, you can't make it brand new! Probably sexual attraction etc... once people start living together, desire, sexual fantasy fades in many couples and then bills come and bills need to be paid etc.... You need to start saving money for yourself and try to get a job! If you have a formal education, if you have work, it's great but I'd just leave him! You deserve better!!! How can you live with a man who had sex with another woman behind your back??? In my book it's a betrayal! Not just a betrayal of you but he betrayed his entire family!! I am so sorry! But be strong, stay strong for your children! I'd leave if financially I could! File for divorce and have him pay child support and your alimony as well! That other woman probably would not want that loser anyway


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

He’s given you a few hints about what he wants and doesn’t want - he mentioned he doesn’t want friends and family to know? This is his greatest fear and the one thing that will blow up his fantasy. 

So instead of you being hurt and ashamed, please don’t feel guilty for putting the shame and guilt back to him - tell them! 

It’s a gift you give to yourself as well as him and your kids. If he’s that sure of his feelings and what he wants, why hide who he is and the repercussions? He can’t dictate the terms. 

Anyway, it’s a major clue when they tell you not to tell loved ones that they’re not ready to face the music.


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## RMM6167 (Apr 10, 2021)

I just want to say thank you to everyone that has commented so far. Your support and encouragement have been more helpful than I could ever express. I appreciate you all so much. I feel hopeful that I’ll be ok.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

RMM6167 said:


> You’re absolutely right. I have always been a very emotional person but when I have moments of clarity I see the situation for what it is and I don’t want to be with this person. The only thing stopping me is not wanting to give up my kids. And that’s a very difficult thing for me to come to terms with.


Since he is so terrified of embarrassment you might want to use it as leverage to get more custody or favorable divorce terms. If he believes you are being super chill and want to make this “easy as possible” he may be willing to concede a lot more, especially if he thinks he has a whole new life with his dream love to run to. You can elude to keeping his discretions as long as he keeps favorable divorce terms. 

Don’t try to salvage anything with this idiot who has ZERO remorse or care for your feelings. Even if he did dump her and stayed with you, you’d still be stuck with an ass clown for a husband.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

RMM6167 said:


> I feel hopeful that I’ll be ok.


And, you will be. 

Not easy and takes time but you will be ok. You'll better than ok.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

RMM6167 said:


> The other woman is bisexual and is married to a woman. They are separated and I don’t know how to even contact her. My husband and this woman were connected through the HR director at their job if you can believe that. Everyone knew he was married.
> I will look up divorce attorneys.


Wow. What a queen he has chosen!

yes, see an attorney. Divorce him. Never look back. He’s vile and will never treat you right.

taking him back— worst thought of your life.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@RMM6167 your husband is probably reinventing the history of your marriage and is gaslighting you.

And his affair partner is in the process of getting a divorce? Has she told her wife this?


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## RMM6167 (Apr 10, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> @RMM6167 your husband is probably reinventing the history of your marriage and is gaslighting you.
> 
> And his affair partner is in the process of getting a divorce? Has she told her wife this?


Yes I don’t doubt he’s done just that. He said some pretty hurtful things to me when I confronted him and forced him to give me the truth. The OW and her wife are separated so I believe the divorce is almost finalized.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He doesn't deserve to be married to you. Another heartless cheater? Yeah. They deserve each other.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

RMM6167 said:


> Yes I don’t doubt he’s done just that. He said some pretty hurtful things to me when I confronted him and forced him to give me the truth. The OW and her wife are separated so I believe the divorce is almost finalized.


RMM, damn sorry that you have to go through this bs. Your husband is in for a rude awakening. First off, relationships that are born out of affairs almost NEVER survive. Second, if POSOW is a bisexual whom is currently married to a woman, but banging a man, she is unsure of what she wants. This is a match made in hell and will never survive. Now, that being said, it does not change your plan one solitary iota. Right now is the time for you to protect yourself financially and to do whatever you have to do to get as much custody as legally possible. And for goodness sake, get an STD test ASAP!!!!!! Your WH has lost his mind and is not coming back. And if he did, would you really want him? I mean, he's damaged goods. Permanently. Time for you to get out of this misery. And when you look back, you will thank God that you did it! You will get through this. You will be happy again. You will find a man that treasures you.

Man, sometimes, I wish I could *****slap some of these men that cheat on their wives!


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

This is very sad, I’m sorry to hear that he’s being like this towards you... it seems he is going through hoops to seek this woman’s approval and love at your expense. 

Your husband must feel like Superman and king of the world - he’s in love with a woman who is leaving a woman for him. Let that sink in.

It sounds crazy to say he’s got something with a woman married to a woman that he never had with you. A woman who’s bisexual, or at least now a Lesbian. And that he doesn’t want his family to know. What would you say to a woman having an affair with a man married to a man!?! If my friend told me a story like this I would say something too disgusting to repeat.

Read that aloud over and over and realise there is something so wrong with his thinking and behaviour! It is madness! (I’m sure you see the madness)

I see this ending well for you. But not him.


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## RMM6167 (Apr 10, 2021)

I feel like I’m still in shock over all of this but I haven’t had a breakdown today which I’m counting as a win!
When I confronted him on Saturday (DDay?) he was defensive and angry that I was demanding the truth. He put all the blame on me of course and I was actually starting to believe and it start almost defending his actions. He said he didn’t like feeling like he had a deadline to end it because he was going to end it on his own. (Oh my god I literally just snorted reading that out loud. What the actual???) Anyway somehow I let him make me feel like the bad guy. It wasn’t until I posted here and confided in my closest friend that I started to see things more clearly. I’m not saying our marriage was perfect by any means but HE made the decision to betray our commitment to each other, not me. I wrote him a very lengthy letter this morning basically saying how much he hurt me, how disgusted I was that he wouldn’t even admit that he was having an affair and that he was trying to make me feel guilty about what he did and that he put this persons feelings over mine, his wife of 14 years and mother of his 2 children. I ended it saying I wouldn’t get in the way of his happiness then. He’s free to go. I felt a weird sense of freedom and calm after I sent it. Like I needed it. He called me almost immediately after reading it berating me for continuing to bring it up because he already said he was going to end it and how dare I keep bringing it up and try to make him feel guilty. Then he hung up. He called an hour later to apologize for how he reacted. He said he didn’t want to put a label on what he did because it makes him feel guilty and it’s ruining the happiness he’s feeling. I couldn’t even...He then said he is going to end it he just asked me for trust and time. I said ok take all the time you need, I trust you. Little does he know...


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

RMM6167 said:


> I feel like I’m still in shock over all of this but I haven’t had a breakdown today which I’m counting as a win!
> When I confronted him on Saturday (DDay?) he was defensive and angry that I was demanding the truth. He put all the blame on me of course and I was actually starting to believe and it start almost defending his actions. He said he didn’t like feeling like he had a deadline to end it because he was going to end it on his own. (Oh my god I literally just snorted reading that out loud. What the actual???) Anyway somehow I let him make me feel like the bad guy. It wasn’t until I posted here and confided in my closest friend that I started to see things more clearly. I’m not saying our marriage was perfect by any means but HE made the decision to betray our commitment to each other, not me. I wrote him a very lengthy letter this morning basically saying how much he hurt me, how disgusted I was that he wouldn’t even admit that he was having an affair and that he was trying to make me feel guilty about what he did and that he put this persons feelings over mine, his wife of 14 years and mother of his 2 children. I ended it saying I wouldn’t get in the way of his happiness then. He’s free to go. I felt a weird sense of freedom and calm after I sent it. Like I needed it. He called me almost immediately after reading it berating me for continuing to bring it up because he already said he was going to end it and how dare I keep bringing it up and try to make him feel guilty. Then he hung up. He called an hour later to apologize for how he reacted. He said he didn’t want to put a label on what he did because it makes him feel guilty and it’s ruining the happiness he’s feeling. I couldn’t even...He then said he is going to end it he just asked me for trust and time. I said ok take all the time you need, I trust you. Little does he know...


What the actual ****?! The sheer NERVE of this "man". RMM6167, I'm so glad you decided to flush this turd. He is beyond disrespectful and insulting... Wow... I thought it was bad when my own turd told me he wasn't going to end it, and just looked at me like a dumbass, like I should just accept how things were...

You win a medal for not totally losing it and knocking him dead where he stood. How dare he berate YOU for calling him on his treachery? Doesn't want to feel guilty and ruin _his _happiness my mudda ass. 

Girl, I hope you do for him. Hold it together, you deserve so much more than this joker. Pity your kids share this male human's DNA.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

RMM6167 said:


> I feel like I’m still in shock over all of this but I haven’t had a breakdown today which I’m counting as a win!
> When I confronted him on Saturday (DDay?) he was defensive and angry that I was demanding the truth. He put all the blame on me of course and I was actually starting to believe and it start almost defending his actions. He said he didn’t like feeling like he had a deadline to end it because he was going to end it on his own. (Oh my god I literally just snorted reading that out loud. What the actual???) Anyway somehow I let him make me feel like the bad guy. It wasn’t until I posted here and confided in my closest friend that I started to see things more clearly. I’m not saying our marriage was perfect by any means but HE made the decision to betray our commitment to each other, not me. I wrote him a very lengthy letter this morning basically saying how much he hurt me, how disgusted I was that he wouldn’t even admit that he was having an affair and that he was trying to make me feel guilty about what he did and that he put this persons feelings over mine, his wife of 14 years and mother of his 2 children. I ended it saying I wouldn’t get in the way of his happiness then. He’s free to go. I felt a weird sense of freedom and calm after I sent it. Like I needed it. He called me almost immediately after reading it berating me for continuing to bring it up because he already said he was going to end it and how dare I keep bringing it up and try to make him feel guilty. Then he hung up. He called an hour later to apologize for how he reacted. He said he didn’t want to put a label on what he did because it makes him feel guilty and it’s ruining the happiness he’s feeling. I couldn’t even...He then said he is going to end it he just asked me for trust and time. I said ok take all the time you need, I trust you. Little does he know...


OK, so now you have told him that it's over. GOOD! Now, it's time to employ the 180 as well as get an attorney. Your WH is a real douche for what he is doing to you and your children. He is in a deep, DEEP fog. Once he gets the divorce papers, he is going to beg you to let him come back. Jackass has no idea how bad things are about to get for him.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Rushwater said:


> OK, so now you have told him that it's over. GOOD! Now, it's time employee the 180 as well as get an attorney. Your WH is a real douche for what he is doing to you and your children. He is in a deep, DEEP fog. Once he gets the divorce papers, he is going to beg you to let him come back. Jackass has no idea how bad things are about to get for him.


Maybe, maybe not. Sometimes they're so "in lurve". Hopefully, he doesn't, it'll make things much easier for OP to drop him and forge a better life without this POS.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

TXTrini said:


> Maybe, maybe not. Sometimes they're so "in lurve". Hopefully, he doesn't, it'll make things much easier for OP to drop him and forge a better life without this POS.


Nope. He is banging a very confused woman. She is allegedly divorcing her lesbian wife. Once these two are actually in a relationship, it will not last long; months, but probably weeks. I will keep my comments on bisexuals and relationships to myself as I do not want to offend anybody. BUT, WH has a ridiculous reality check coming his way. I just hope that OP is out of his path of destruction by then.


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## Ann-onoymous (Jan 8, 2020)

RMM6167 said:


> I need help. I’m in such a dark place right now. I have suspected that my husband was cheating on me for a few months now but I finally got my proof Saturday morning when I eavesdropped on his phone call. I confronted him and he confessed he’s in love with a coworker, he’s never been happier, and he’s not sorry it happened because she gave him something I wasn't giving him. He didn’t apologize. He said he was planning on ending it at some point and never telling me about it and just going back to being unhappy with me. We have two children so I am sure that’s the only reason he hasn’t left me. I asked him to end it now and he said it’s complicated because he doesn’t want to hurt her. He doesn’t care about hurting me though.
> So I don’t know what to do. My first reaction was to ask for a separation but that would mean he would have joint custody of our kids and I just can’t let them go. They are literally the only good thing I have left. And honestly he never wanted them in the first place so I worry they wouldn’t be treated as well as they should be. My second option is to just stay and cling to the hope that he will end it like he says he will and that we can somehow salvage our marriage. But I feel like he doesn’t have any romantic feelings for me at all anymore. I’m just the mother of his children. He practically bit my head off when I called this an affair. And he doesn’t think I can make him happy ever again. Also he told the other woman that I found out and she asked him if they have a future together. He says he has been avoiding the question. But this woman is also married although going through a divorce so I fear once that happens he’s gone for good. He is adamant that he doesn’t want to divorce me because he doesn’t want the embarrassment of our family and friends finding out what he did. But it seems like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Meanwhile I’m heartbroken. I can barely eat. I can’t focus at work. I’m barely hanging on. Is there any hope for us? Could he change his mind once he ends his affair and want to work things out?
> 
> Even if he does change his mind and want to work things out, his lack of respect and consideration for you is truly repulsive. I know it’s hard, I’ve suspected cheating in my marriage though I can’t say for sure it happened. And it made me de value myself, what am I missing. Don’t feel that. You sound like a great mom. Have respect for yourself, he’s making this other girl his priority. Not you after building a whole life together. Don’t give him the power to make you appear pathetic by trying to holding onto someone who doesn’t want you back. I know it hurts but nows a time to re evaluate what you want. You don’t want a husband like that. If you wanna live together as roommates say sure fine and romantically don’t give him that satisfaction. You can find a better guy for yourself too when you’re ready. And seprating and sharing custody is tough, but it is doable. And it also allows you some time for yourself that you probably wouldn’t of had before. I hope you start to feel better, that’s an awful situation. But no woman deserves to be treated like that. And hopefully that’s what will make it easier to get over him as well.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Your WH is a typical cakeeater and cheater, nothing new here.

You need to take control of your responses and stop doing the 'pick me' dance. Act as if you are ready to lose this marriage.

1. Do a complete 180 on him (read about 180 here The 180) It may well be that he no longer loves you or he is in an affair fog but you do not sit around and wait on him to choose. the 180 sounds counterintuitive but do it. it will help you emotionally detach and be strong.
2. Expose the OW to her STBW, he will make sure that she is exposed to her family and friends. This may not have been her first rodeo, and your WH may be in for a surprise at what he is exchanging his family for. Serves him right when the fog clears and she chooses another woman over him. And it will happen. Do you really want to be with a man like this? What is it teaching your kids?
3. Expose, Expose, Expose, your WH to both of your families and friends (affairs thrive in secrecy and he wants to walk away smelling of roses pretending he met the OW after your D or separation). Do not let him rewrite your marriage history. He will be angry because he has even requested you do not mention this. You owe him nothing, no loyalty after what he has done. This will burst his bubble but let him do damage control and try and lift his respect from the gutter, not your problem.
4. See a few lawyers immediately to see what your options are. Do you work, how old are your kids? You say you earn more than him, ask the lawyer what the consequences will be. Is your state a fault state? If so collect lots of evidence. In addition consider telling his employer about the unethical relationship. If you do not depend on him financially then blow up his work life also.
5. Gather all documents related to your marriage and financial position (copy everything and keep in a safe place)
6. Hide a VAR in his car, office etc. to collect evidence of what he is planning (may be useful to you later)
7. Attend IC or for the time being confide in a close friend or sibling to help you navigate this. Do not hide or feel ashamed, he is the one who blew up your marriage.
8. Go get a STD test and let him know you are doing so as you do not know where his penis has been (the more he is confronted with his reality the better).

Do not tell him about the lawyer, your plans, nothing. Act as if you believe every word he says about not wanting to be married to you. Ask him to move out or at least move to the spare bedroom. Stop doing any cooking, ironing, laundry, etc. Only do for your kids and yourself. If he complains, tell him that seeing as he no longer wants to be married to you, you no longer want to act as his wife either. Let him feel the consequences of his actions.

The sooner you expose him to everyone the sooner his bubble will be burst. Go scorched earth. He is not your friend, he is now your enemy. He put a bomb in the middle of your family and all for a woman who will probably move on to another woman when she gets tired of him. Charming. Let her have him, they deserve each other.
Stay strong, you can do this!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

TXTrini said:


> Do not ask for a divorce. If you can, carry on as if nothing has changed while you do what you need to do. Take back your agency and act. He's been living a double life for God knows how long. You owe him no considerations any longer. Btw, if you have been sexually active, please schedule an appointment with your doctor and have an STD panel. The last thing you need now is illness on top of the ****storm your "loving" husband put you in.


THIS THIS THIS, you owe him nothing, act in your own and your children's best interests alone. Tell him nothing except that you are going for an STD test as the OW could be sleeping with many partners for all you know.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

RMM6167 said:


> I feel like I’m still in shock over all of this but I haven’t had a breakdown today which I’m counting as a win!
> When I confronted him on Saturday (DDay?) he was defensive and angry that I was demanding the truth. He put all the blame on me of course and I was actually starting to believe and it start almost defending his actions. He said he didn’t like feeling like he had a deadline to end it because he was going to end it on his own. (Oh my god I literally just snorted reading that out loud. What the actual???) Anyway somehow I let him make me feel like the bad guy. It wasn’t until I posted here and confided in my closest friend that I started to see things more clearly. I’m not saying our marriage was perfect by any means but HE made the decision to betray our commitment to each other, not me. I wrote him a very lengthy letter this morning basically saying how much he hurt me, how disgusted I was that he wouldn’t even admit that he was having an affair and that he was trying to make me feel guilty about what he did and that he put this persons feelings over mine, his wife of 14 years and mother of his 2 children. I ended it saying I wouldn’t get in the way of his happiness then. He’s free to go. I felt a weird sense of freedom and calm after I sent it. Like I needed it. He called me almost immediately after reading it berating me for continuing to bring it up because he already said he was going to end it and how dare I keep bringing it up and try to make him feel guilty. Then he hung up. He called an hour later to apologize for how he reacted. He said he didn’t want to put a label on what he did because it makes him feel guilty and it’s ruining the happiness he’s feeling. I couldn’t even...He then said he is going to end it he just asked me for trust and time. I said ok take all the time you need, I trust you. Little does he know...
> [/QUOTE
> 
> ...


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## RMM6167 (Apr 10, 2021)

He’s still living at home. To clarify my earlier post since it’s not super clear, when he apologized he said he wants to end his EA and stay with me. That he wanted me to trust that he would break it off with the OW but that it would take him a little time because of whatever reason he gave me I don’t even care at this point. That’s when I said yes I trust you take the time you need, but really I have no intention of staying with him and am looking into my options. For now I don’t want to give him any indication of that though. I’m just acting like nothing is wrong. Making sure the home is in order and the kids are happy and loved. But I do need to look up the 180 thing you all are mentioning.
And I have an appt for my yearly physical next week so I’ll be getting tested for sure although I am pretty sure we didn’t have sex once he started ****ing that POS woman.
I just want to scream and cry and throw things and take a sledgehammer to his car. I think the numbness I felt for the last 2 days is wearing off. Why do people cheat on their spouses??? If they are so unhappy why don’t they just leave??? How can anyone be ok destroying someone else’s life, and their own children’s lives???


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

RMM6167 said:


> He’s still living at home. To clarify my earlier post since it’s not super clear, when he apologized he said he wants to end his EA and stay with me. That he wanted me to trust that he would break it off with the OW but that it would take him a little time because of whatever reason he gave me I don’t even care at this point. That’s when I said yes I trust you take the time you need, but really I have no intention of staying with him and am looking into my options. For now I don’t want to give him any indication of that though. I’m just acting like nothing is wrong. Making sure the home is in order and the kids are happy and loved. But I do need to look up the 180 thing you all are mentioning.
> And I have an appt for my yearly physical next week so I’ll be getting tested for sure although I am pretty sure we didn’t have sex once he started ****ing that POS woman.
> I just want to scream and cry and throw things and take a sledgehammer to his car. I think the numbness I felt for the last 2 days is wearing off. *Why do people cheat on their spouses??? If they are so unhappy why don’t they just leave??? How can anyone be ok destroying someone else’s life, and their own children’s lives???*


I'm so sorry you have to deal with this and carry on as "normal". I can't imagine how you are feeling now, at least mine had the decency to leave our home on DD.

So he's insisting it's an EA, eh? Yeah right. Even if it is, look at how he treated you, with such contempt and blatant disrespect. He's shown you who he really is, and it's so ugly.

I don't think you'll ever be able to understand those questions, b/c unlike him, you have morals and you wouldn't stoop to that disgusting behavior. Honestly, it doesn't matter why he did what he did. All that matters now is you and your kids and what you will do next.

Great job getting that appointment, I hope it goes well and you're all clear. Have you made an appointment with a therapist? You'll need all the support you can get. A therapist will also help you to process your feelings and give you the tools and perspective to move forward even if you think you're not strong enough now. 

Keep posting when you're able and know that you're not alone! It will really be ok in the end because you're strong and you're acting!


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

I wish I could "like" your and Trini's posts ten times each.


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## RMM6167 (Apr 10, 2021)

TXTrini said:


> I'm so sorry you have to deal with this and carry on as "normal". I can't imagine how you are feeling now, at least mine had the decency to leave our home on DD.
> 
> So he's insisting it's an EA, eh? Yeah right. Even if it is, look at how he treated you, with such contempt and blatant disrespect. He's shown you who he really is, and it's so ugly.
> 
> ...


He still won’t admit it and won’t use the word “affair” but supposedly he ended the physical part once I found out. Apparently felt no guilt when I had no clue what he was doing but now that I know he feels guilty about it. So now he’s “working on” ending the emotional part.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

RMM6167 said:


> Little does he know...


What does this mean?


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## RMM6167 (Apr 10, 2021)

Sfort said:


> What does this mean?


Little does he know that I don’t buy his bs story that he’s going to end his relationship with this other woman and that I’m actually planning to slap him with divorce papers instead.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

RMM6167 said:


> Little does he know that I don’t buy his bs story that he’s going to end his relationship with this other woman and that I’m actually planning to slap him with divorce papers instead.


He probably doesn't want her for anything other than sex. They worked together so it was convenient.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Hang in there. This is a great community you've found.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

RMM6167 said:


> He’s still living at home. To clarify my earlier post since it’s not super clear, when he apologized he said he wants to end his EA and stay with me. That he wanted me to trust that he would break it off with the OW but that it would take him a little time because of whatever reason he gave me I don’t even care at this point. That’s when I said yes I trust you take the time you need, but really I have no intention of staying with him and am looking into my options. For now I don’t want to give him any indication of that though. I’m just acting like nothing is wrong. Making sure the home is in order and the kids are happy and loved. But I do need to look up the 180 thing you all are mentioning.
> And I have an appt for my yearly physical next week so I’ll be getting tested for sure although I am pretty sure we didn’t have sex once he started ****ing that POS woman.
> I just want to scream and cry and throw things and take a sledgehammer to his car. I think the numbness I felt for the last 2 days is wearing off. Why do people cheat on their spouses??? If they are so unhappy why don’t they just leave??? How can anyone be ok destroying someone else’s life, and their own children’s lives???


Wow. You are ahead of the game, playing it cool like that with him, while you get your affairs in order. You are in a lot of pain right now, but you are going to do just fine. Your WH, however, his world is going to blow up in his face; not that it matters at this point.

And, why do people cheat on their spouses? Good question. I guess, because some people just f'ng SUCK! Some people are just selfish and feel that their needs are above everybody else's, no matter who it hurts or how much. And, it's an evil psychological game; one that I will never understand.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

RMM6167 said:


> He still won’t admit it and won’t use the word “affair” but supposedly he ended the physical part once I found out. Apparently felt no guilt when I had no clue what he was doing but now that I know he feels guilty about it. So now he’s “working on” ending the emotional part.


I know how this hurts only too well, but girl, you'll have your **** together and I admire you! I just remembered something...Try to eat a little, even if it's hard to choke it down. I couldn't, I think I lived on protein shakes and smoothies for a few weeks.

Does he care about what other people think of him and like being everyone else's knight in shining armor? He doesn't want you to **** all over that image, if so. Imagine he has the gonads to expect you and his freaking kids to wait until he can wean himself off some other teats. No shame whatsoever! Is this the first time you ever caught him red-handed? 

I'd wait like a spider before I told his employer, in case you get stuck paying him alimony. 

How are you holding up this afternoon?


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## RMM6167 (Apr 10, 2021)

@TXTrini I’m a mess all over again. I have good moments and really bad moments. It’s funny you mention eating because I’ve barley been able to stomach anything since Saturday. I’ve lost 4 lbs. I’m trying though. Even just little bites here and there. I just have this constant uneasy, nervous, sour, anxious feeling in my stomach. I don’t even feel like me at times. I’m sitting here typing this and I feel like I’m just an observer watching this train wreck and not being able to do anything about it. I just really deep down in my heart never ever ever thought he would do this. He’s never done anything even remotely close before. It’s just so hard to accept it.
And yes to your question, he definitely is the knight in shining armor. He goes out of his way to help others and project that image.


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## RMM6167 (Apr 10, 2021)

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to find a therapist? Do I call my insurance?


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

RMM6167 said:


> @TXTrini I’m a mess all over again. I have good moments and really bad moments. It’s funny you mention eating because I’ve barley been able to stomach anything since Saturday. I’ve lost 4 lbs. I’m trying though. Even just little bites here and there. I just have this constant uneasy, nervous, sour, anxious feeling in my stomach. I don’t even feel like me at times. I’m sitting here typing this and I feel like I’m just an observer watching this train wreck and not being able to do anything about it. I just really deep down in my heart never ever ever thought he would do this. He’s never done anything even remotely close before. It’s just so hard to accept it.
> And yes to your question, he definitely is the knight in shining armor. He goes out of his way to help others and project that image.


I was thinking of you this morning and wondering how you were holding up. Good for you! Eating in bits is better than nothing, but right now it's easy to get completely run down. The stress of everything took a huge physical toll on me, and I'm still dealing with much of the fallout. I don't mean to nag, but it's just to make sure you're not neglecting your health too much. How are the kids doing? 

I want to reassure you of something, love. Please know that you're doing wonderfully, even if you don't feel like it this minute. This only JUST happened, with no indicators and you are still standing, holding down a job and caring for children. That is absolutely impressive, considering he "knocked you for 6", to use a cricket expression (the game).

It's going to be rough for a while, I won't lie, but you definitely have the mettle. I didn't see if you replied, but do you have any family closeby and did you get a chance to find a therapist for you? There's always someone on here if you need company, but I can't recommend therapy enough, it was a lifeline for me.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

RMM6167 said:


> Does anyone have any suggestions on how to find a therapist? Do I call my insurance?


Hmmm...I actually saw my previous marriage therapist and asked him to help me put myself together. He already knew our backstory but didn't accept insurance. 

Ok, so I went looking, here are a few resources to check out:








How to Find Online Therapy That Takes Your Insurance


Finding online therapy that takes insurance is easier than ever. Start by contacting your insurance company to confirm coverage and access a list of providers.




www.healthline.com












Therapists that Accept Insurance | Collective Counseling Solutions


We can help you find therapists that accept your insurance, to get the treatment that is right for you with the coverage you can afford.




collectivecounselingsolutions.com






https://www.zocdoc.com/therapist-counselors






__





Find a Therapist, Psychologist, Counselor - Psychology Today


Browse our extensive directory of the best Therapists, Psychologists and Counselors near you.




www.psychologytoday.com


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

RMM6167 said:


> @TXTrini I’m a mess all over again. I have good moments and really bad moments. It’s funny you mention eating because I’ve barley been able to stomach anything since Saturday. I’ve lost 4 lbs. I’m trying though. Even just little bites here and there. I just have this constant uneasy, nervous, sour, anxious feeling in my stomach. I don’t even feel like me at times. I’m sitting here typing this and I feel like I’m just an observer watching this train wreck and not being able to do anything about it. I just really deep down in my heart never ever ever thought he would do this. He’s never done anything even remotely close before. It’s just so hard to accept it.
> And yes to your question, he definitely is the knight in shining armor. He goes out of his way to help others and project that image.


This is exactly what I felt for a while. I also had panic attacks and intermittent crying where I would have to go hide from my kids. 

I thought the same things as you, never thinking my WH would go so far, do what he did to me and his kids. Some days you feel strong and resolved, others you feel weak and about to fall to pieces. It’s what it does to you, it’s a trauma, deep and more painful than anything I’ve ever experienced. The triggers are everywhere. 

Be gentle on yourself, this is normal, this is the process of coming to grips with what has been done to you. And it is a process, a long and painful one but it does have an end. It will not last forever. You will persevere.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

RMM6167 said:


> Does anyone have any suggestions on how to find a therapist? Do I call my insurance?


You can research therapists in your area (like google) and call and ask if they take your insurance. It took me a few tries to find one that fit, but that’s how I did it.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

RMM6167 said:


> He’s still living at home. To clarify my earlier post since it’s not super clear, when he apologized he said he wants to end his EA and stay with me. That he wanted me to trust that he would break it off with the OW but that it would take him a little time because of whatever reason he gave me I don’t even care at this point. That’s when I said yes I trust you take the time you need, but really I have no intention of staying with him and am looking into my options. For now I don’t want to give him any indication of that though. I’m just acting like nothing is wrong. Making sure the home is in order and the kids are happy and loved. But I do need to look up the 180 thing you all are mentioning.
> And I have an appt for my yearly physical next week so I’ll be getting tested for sure although I am pretty sure we didn’t have sex once he started ****ing that POS woman.
> I just want to scream and cry and throw things and take a sledgehammer to his car. I think the numbness I felt for the last 2 days is wearing off. Why do people cheat on their spouses??? If they are so unhappy why don’t they just leave??? How can anyone be ok destroying someone else’s life, and their own children’s lives???


you are doing the right thing. Do not let him know anything nor show him any weakness. Go to the gym and punch the boxing bag, vent to your friends, vent here online. Do the 180. You will go through the cycle of grief, it is perfectly normal as you have invested in a life with this man and he has done this. You are experiencing trauma but as each day goes by you will gain more and more strenght. go out for walks, take up running, anything to channel all the grief, anger, rage into.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

RMM6167 said:


> He still won’t admit it and won’t use the word “affair” but supposedly he ended the physical part once I found out. Apparently felt no guilt when I had no clue what he was doing but now that I know he feels guilty about it. So now he’s “working on” ending the emotional part.


The SOB! If he were truly remorseful he would cut her off immediately and not dangle you as if you were an option. He is more concerned about her feelings than yours. Use that information to go scorched earth on his ass. Get your ducks in a row and expose expose expose.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hey RMM6167, 
How was your weekend?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

RMM6167 said:


> Does anyone have any suggestions on how to find a therapist? Do I call my insurance?


your doctor should be able to advise you.


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## RMM6167 (Apr 10, 2021)

TXTrini said:


> Hey RMM6167,
> How was your weekend?


Hi TXTrini - weekend was ok. He got me flowers for Mother’s Day. I just wanted to cry. I hope you had a nice weekend. 
Anyway, he still hasn’t ended his affair. He’s trying to make me understand and be sympathetic because she’s going through a tough family situation so he just can’t end things right now to spare her more pain. But it’s ok that I’m feeling like sh*t every minute of every day. We had a massive argument on Monday and he flat out told me not to expect an apology or that he will beg for forgiveness because I know that’s not who he is. That was the last thing I needed to officially cut him off. I actually thought for a second that we might be able to reconcile but he has no remorse, he’s still with her, he hasn’t seen his kids in 3 days because he goes to work early before they wake up and comes home at 2 am, he just doesn’t f-ing care about anyone but himself. And he actually had the balls to ask me to trust him and have faith that he’ll end it at the right time. Am I in a dream? Am I being punked? I literally can’t believe this is happening. I’m in some alternate universe I just know it.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I know that it had to be hard, but that argument was a good thing -- it opened your eyes and helped you see what you now need to do. He is DEEP if the fog of the affair. 
YOU do not have to understand ANYTHING about his affair and tell him you have NO SYMPATHY for anything SHE is going through -- she is a person who is destroying YOUR family, so why exactly should you worry about HER family issues?


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

I'm so sorry, love. I've been exactly where you are, and know how it feels. Those ice cold eyes just cut you to the heart, don't they? Thank God you can take care of yourself and the kids. 

Unfortunately this is your life, but you're strong enough to handle it. This "man" doesn't deserve you. Btw, document his absence, he's neglecting his kids for some strange. Use it against him for custody.

Have you had a chance to see a lawyer yet?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

RMM6167 said:


> Hi TXTrini - weekend was ok. He got me flowers for Mother’s Day. I just wanted to cry. I hope you had a nice weekend.
> Anyway, he still hasn’t ended his affair. He’s trying to make me understand and be sympathetic because she’s going through a tough family situation so he just can’t end things right now to spare her more pain. But it’s ok that I’m feeling like sh*t every minute of every day. We had a massive argument on Monday and he flat out told me not to expect an apology or that he will beg for forgiveness because I know that’s not who he is. That was the last thing I needed to officially cut him off. I actually thought for a second that we might be able to reconcile but he has no remorse, he’s still with her, he hasn’t seen his kids in 3 days because he goes to work early before they wake up and comes home at 2 am, he just doesn’t f-ing care about anyone but himself. And he actually had the balls to ask me to trust him and have faith that he’ll end it at the right time. Am I in a dream? Am I being punked? I literally can’t believe this is happening. I’m in some alternate universe I just know it.


I have actually said the same thing out loud to my friend! I was giggling and crying at the same time because it was SO RIDICULOUS what was happening to me. I yelled out “Am I being Punked? Ashton?!?!” My friend couldn’t help but laugh along...I hope you have a friend or family member you can talk to like this... it helps.

Take notes of these ridiculous things he says. Better yet start a whole journal. It helps to remind yourself in moments of weakness and sadness.

Have you read the chump lady’s book or perused her website?


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

RMM6167 said:


> Hi TXTrini - weekend was ok. He got me flowers for Mother’s Day. I just wanted to cry. I hope you had a nice weekend.
> Anyway, he still hasn’t ended his affair. He’s trying to make me understand and be sympathetic because she’s going through a tough family situation so he just can’t end things right now to spare her more pain. But it’s ok that I’m feeling like sh*t every minute of every day. We had a massive argument on Monday and he flat out told me not to expect an apology or that he will beg for forgiveness because I know that’s not who he is. That was the last thing I needed to officially cut him off. I actually thought for a second that we might be able to reconcile but he has no remorse, he’s still with her, he hasn’t seen his kids in 3 days because he goes to work early before they wake up and comes home at 2 am, he just doesn’t f-ing care about anyone but himself. And he actually had the balls to ask me to trust him and have faith that he’ll end it at the right time. Am I in a dream? Am I being punked? I literally can’t believe this is happening. I’m in some alternate universe I just know it.


Holy crap! Your husband is truly a one-of-kind piece of crap! He really has no care for you or your children. And he is trying to "spare her more pain"???? Oh, HELL NO! I do not know you or him, but I wish I could be there when he is served with the divorce papers.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

QuietRiot said:


> I have actually said the same thing out loud to my friend! I was giggling and crying at the same time because it was SO RIDICULOUS what was happening to me. I yelled out “Am I being Punked? Ashton?!?!” My friend couldn’t help but laugh along...I hope you have a friend or family member you can talk to like this... it helps.
> 
> Take notes of these ridiculous things he says. Better yet start a whole journal. It helps to remind yourself in moments of weakness and sadness.
> 
> Have you read the chump lady’s book or perused her website?


I kept a notebook and jotted down all the details after DD while they were still fresh. It came in handy later, bc I was able to force discovery, it galled me to let him "get away" with a no-fault divorce. I found it the other day and went through it, and couldn't believe I wanted to R with that bastard.

Don't feel weak or guilty, RMM, it's part of the journey. Embrace it, feel it, process it and use your feelings to steel your resolve. It's going to be hard, you'll cry sometimes and be lonely sometimes and maybe want to kick yourself for feeling this way for someone who clearly does not love you. 

Stay strong! You and your children deserve so much better, and you will have it in time.


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