# Question:



## Longtime Husband (Dec 14, 2009)

I read the discussions on this forum with great emapthy, even though in my nearly 22 years of marriage, my wife has never cheated on me.

I realize that one can never really predict how they would react to a situation until/unless they actually find themselves in it. However, I cannot figure out how people who have been cheated on in marriage can even ever* look* at their spouse, much less work to try and "repair" & "get past" it. Hell, after 25 years together, I have still hate with the fact that I was not my wife's first love or first sexual partner (even though we didn't even meet until 6 months after she'd broken up with her HS sweetheart & only other lover she'd ever had....and I was dating someone else seriously at the time). It just feels like something very primal about it for me. Don't get me wrong, I really don't think I'm even close to a jealous person. In fact, my wife was kinda shocked to learn that I felt this way when I admitted it over a few drinks so months ago. 

I really think that, if I ever found out that she cheated on me, there is no way possible that I could ever work with her to get through it. I would have to force myself to stop caring just to save my sanity....which is what I did when I knew that my college gf was cheating. 

Do any of you victims of DSs feel the same way....or at least understand how I (think I would) feel?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I felt that exact same way.....until it happened. It truly is easy to think we will know what we are going to do in situations in life, but when it gets there, sometimes its not quite what we expected to do. 

I don't even think I can explain what changed when I found out. It was a struggle and the good people here helped me see that it didn't HAVE to be over like I thought it did. That we could still have a marriage, but that things needed to change. 

All that being said, sure I can understand how you would feel this way. Some people who find out about a cheating spouse can't stay. They can't forgive and its just too much. There isn't a right or wrong on it, its just what each chooses.


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

I TOTALLY get you think you would feel this way.

After I found out about the EA I told my DS to go ahead and leave. I have told him to go ahead and leave a few more times. It would hurt but I would survive. I am a surviver. I am still not convinced that I can get over this but I am willing to giving an honest try. I also recognize behaviors and ways I treated him that alienated him and promoted the thoughts I was going to ditch him first.

If I wasn't married and we didn't have kids I'd be outta here. My biggest hurdle aside from the betrayal and dark thoughts is that I actually have allot of self respect and pride and know I could find someone else if I so choose. I'm not really scared at all to be on my own. Between deployments and training I have already spent half the marriage alone anyway


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm totaly hip to how you felt in your college years. I stopped caring for my wife 13 years ago. we just went through the motions if you know what I mean ie soccor practice, school functions, family events and so on. Behind the scenes if you will, I stayed focus on building my career. she had nothing to work on so the lonely & neglected house wife wanted a divorce, I refussed and told to stop complaining and go get a boytoy.

The both of us (me and wife) just went throught the motions of a married couple with sex, vacations, and arguments. The thing is the arguements got less less as her elicit behaviors got worse and worse. I dismissed her completely with in the last 3 yeras.

I wish I could say I was the perfect husband and stand here and say HOW COULD SHE DO THIS TO ME but I cant b/c we have screwed each other over for the past 13 years out of 20 years of marraige. I can say yes I forgive her I also can say I ow her one. Even thought I never f*cked another chick I did have my own agenda and she was a small part of it, just not the main part. And thats what makes me bad. Make no mistake she has take full responsiblity for her bad. She had to, thats just how I'm wired.

As I grow up and mature I found that the dicision that I was making and the life that I have carved out needed to be...reworked or repaired.

As for her it was quite the oppisite, she was sucked into an evil that snowballed from 1 to 3 month affairs on and off . To ONS on a weekly occurence. Going to bars alone in the middle of the night. 

I want to say maybe she was weaker then me by alowing her unhealth behaviors taking her down futher then me, but the bottom line is we both had unhealthy behaviors I just pulled out first. 

So in short I find it easier to forgive her then most other men would. She wasn't a virgin when I married her and I married her b/c she wast'n a virgin. Thats just how I'm wired.

So yes she was just a booty call for so many years, the important things is we are healthier then we ever were, no STDS, no abortions, or bastard kids, she was in some dangerous places were she felt giving sex was better then having them take it. and I .....we believe we saved each other.


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## Longtime Husband (Dec 14, 2009)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> It's like childbirth.
> All theoretical until you get to it.


Lol, great point! Not exactly sure if it applies in this situation as so much of the answer to my question depends upon how we choose to look at & deal with things others do....which is unlike a _physically_ painful "affliction". 

BTW, I've had acute pancreatitis no less than 4 times, so I have experienced physical pain strong enough to render dinity as null and void as they say childbirth does.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

LH, try kidney stones!
But I, too always wonder how I'd react. No, my wife never cheated and neither did I, but it seems that when one spouse cheats, the first words out of the LSs mouth is: "I never saw it coming!"
It was actually the LeAnn Rimes/Eddie Cibrian affair that got me to seriously thinking about this, and eventually led me to this site. I used to be a fan of the TV show "Cheaters" (I loved watching the people's reactions and lame excuses when they got caught!), but eventually, it started to get too depressing, so I've been "Joey Greco-free" for a year.
Now, I don't believe my wife would ever cheat, but I still do think about it- I always play "what if" games in my head. 
So, I guess that you and I are like the U.S. during the Cold War: we trained, sent B-52s to their fail-safe points for years, stockpiled weapons and constantly theorized and planned ahead for an all-out nuclear war...
...but it never came, and we hope and pray it never does.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

For over 15 years I've been telling my husband, "If you cheated, I'd never forgive you and I'd be out doing someone that night." I also firmly believed my husband had never and would never cheat on me.

He cheated.

I did not nor do I want "to do someone" as revenge.

I did not kick him out (although I did utter the word divorce within those first 24 hours).

Time will tell if I can forgive, but I believe it's possible.

I guess unless you've lived it, you really don't know what your reaction would be. Granted, having children to consider may make a LS more willing to attempt to rebuild the marriage.

Sadly, I now think anyone is capable of cheating given the circumstances. After my experience, I'm wary for anyone who says that they or their spouse would never cheat. I used to say my husband would never cheat and he even used to think he'd never cheat. We were both wrong.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Wife's was an EA probably heading for a PA. At D-day I never really knew what an EA was, neither did she. I struggled to understand the relationship and set boundaries for contact. She'd always had male friends and still does. It wasn't until she tried to end it several months later that she finally understood what it was. Although we had improved the marriage in many ways we had hit a plateau. Her emotions were not returning towards me, she feared they never would. I finally garnered enough nerve to ask the question to which I dreaded the answer. Are you in love with him? No verbal answer came, just tears, shame and pain. One of the toughest things I've ever done in my life was to hug my wife of 20+ years and assure her I'd be there for her and we'd make it through. But days later my anger got the better of me and I asked for a divorce. It was the only time during our recovery that I lost hope and faith that we'd pull it out. We talked it through and committed to try again and began to rebuild. But TOM didn't let go and on a couple of occasions tried to reconnect. Several months later he did and they began to correspond again. (LD/EA) I saw the signs and asked. She was honest with me and confirmed my suspicions. I did something I had never done in our 25 year relationship. A very concerned and firmly worded ultimatum was delivered. I wouldn't stay in a marriage waiting for the ax to drop, if the relationship didn't end for good I would walk out on her no matter how much I loved her. She ended it. Many have asked if I forgave my wife and the answer is no, I didn't have to. Once I saw the dynamics of our marriage, the way I had checked out and stopped caring for her needs I understood how she got there. I also understood how TOM had manipulated her, pursued her and hurt her. A wolf in sheep's clothing using a kind ear and reassuring words to take advantage of her vulnerabilities and stroke his own pathetic self image. To this day I loathe and despise him with an ugliness I would have thought I was not capable of.

While the marriage did survive and eventually thrive the broadside our relationship took 4 years ago left remnants of damage. The once "innocence" of my trust in her never truly returned and probably wont. While I trust her my radar is on for trouble. In some ways that's good, in others not. During our most difficult times my wife saw me emotionally fall apart. She saw parts of me she'd never seen before. I can't help but think she will never look at me again in quite the same light. Again, some good, some bad.

To get back to the OP's question about wanting to move past the affair. First off, I rediscovered how much I still loved her. Second, our children were going to be hurt if the marriage didn't just survive, but improve. And finally, logistically, a divorce would have shredded our financial gains, plans and future.

I've never regretted standing my ground and fighting for my marriage. But it sure beat the crap out of me at the time.


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