# Can't stop thinking of another woman while married



## charles12345 (Jun 8, 2017)

Hi all,

First off - I am a terrible husband. I have been married to my wife for 6 years (living together for 11), and have 2 young children. I have seen many others say this, but for the first time in my life I have been very attracted to another woman. 

I am hopeful people will at least listen to me and perhaps offer advice to get out of this funk. I absolutely know I should not be having this infatuation, but just doing day to day things i'll find myself thinking of her. Here is the other kicker...I think she likes me as a friend but nothing more and is not even attracted to me. So why can't I just give up and move on? I've tried keeping my mind occupied but still find thinking about things she's said, the possibly of talking to her, etc. I have never cheated on my wife and although I have thought other women have been attractive, this is the first time I haven't been able to shake it.

Are there anyways to avoid this and get back to my regular life where my biggest stress was the kids? I've tried distraction, but I just can't seem to park my thoughts properly. I can't avoid this woman either.

Secondly does anyone have any thoughts how this could have happened? I realize this woman is new, and exciting and almost feels like the "chase" stage. My wife and I don't have those sparks as much although we are happily married. I just don't know if we are in a rut, busy with the kids, etc.

Anyway just hopeful there might be some advice other than how terrible I am (which I know). 

Thanks!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I don't think this makes you a ''terrible husband.''  You're human. I'm sure your wife might find other men attractive, also. So, maybe just see it for what it is...it is a natural attraction, and perhaps it is the newness since you've been married for a few years, now. The key is how to get that new ''feeling'' back into your marriage, or how to find new ways of making your marriage a little more exciting. Focus your energies on that, and not the other woman, and the constant thoughts of another woman will probably go away.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

First of all kudos to you for reaching out through here to try to resolve this issue! I personally think that finding out women attractive is completely natural. We're only human...but the fact that you feel like this is in the "chase" stage is understandably alarming. I have found (the hard way) that it is very easy to fall into a routine while having little ones. My advice would be to try and spice things up with your wife a bit. Be spontaneous, maybe send the kids off the grandmas for the weekend and surprise her with a road trip?


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I don't think your a terrible husband.. It's human nature to look and imagine, etc.... Focus more on your marriage--romantic date night, weekend getaway, engaging conversations...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You're not a terrible husband. I'm sure there's men that your wife finds attractive too. You're (both of you) married not dead! Nothing wrong with finding someone else attractive - what IS wrong is if you act on it.

The fact that this woman seems to have rattled you like this should be taken as a wake up call that your marriage needs some attention. That's where your focus should be. Surprise your wife with a weekend away, or a weekend in without the kids.


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## crocus (Apr 8, 2016)

Take the shine off of it.

Mentally play it out. Date this woman, in your head. Imagine it all. Including leaving your wife and children, and being with her. Do all the plus and minus, what do you love about your wife..and you'll never see it again. Same with your kids. 
look around you..look at what is in front of you and imagine just walking away from it. The "what if" potentially of excitement can hold ideas. So play it out, so your mind can rest.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Think of your wife on her back with her legs spread for another man: her future husband after she divorces you. She will give her heart and body to him. Maybe she'll bare him a few more kids. Think of having only half the time to spend with your kids. As the years go by, they will be more and more distant from you, and, wait for it... eventually they'll call him daddy.

And now come back to reality and see that this woman doesn't even want you. She doesn't even give you a second's thought.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why can't you avoid this other woman?

I like the idea of you living the affair to it's end in your head. The end is when your wife leaves you. You are paying child support and your wife has another man in her life. Also, in that fantasy.. keep in mind that only 3% of affairs last must long. So you would not have your wife, your children or your affair partner.

Your feelings will dissipate with time. And when they do, you will most likely wonder what you ever saw in her. I've been through this, it's a nasty trick your brain plays on you. Do not give in.

Some people, like Dr. Harley at Marriage Builders says that when this happens, you should tell your wife. She can help you get through it. Telling her and the two of you exploring what it means will help you both look into your marriage and fine tune it to fix this.

I think what is going on with you is that some of your important emotional needs are not being met. Somehow this other woman is meeting them (or on some level you think she could meet them.) If you give your wife a chance to meet these needs, this will all go away.

Get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Get your wife to read them with you and do the work that they say to do.

I think that you would also benefit from reading the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. In it he talks about this infatuation, why it happens and how to get rid of it.


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## charles12345 (Jun 8, 2017)

Thanks all - feeling a bit better about not being terrible. I totally get it. I know I can find other women attractive, and I know my wife will find other guys attractive. I don't think this will ever change, nor should it.

My issue is that I certainly have noticed pretty women before but this one is just really causing a tail spin for me. For other women in the past that I thought had nice looks, I would see them and not think of them again. For this new one I just can't get her out of my mind. And to be honest it isn't the looks, it's her personality more or less. I know it is wrong, but I just can't get my mind focused away consistently. I'll even find myself down thinking she'd never go for someone like me. And deep down I know I shouldn't give a crap about that because I am married.

Many suggestions were to surprise the wife to a weekend without the kids. I do agree we need to do that more. But we do get out. I'm lucky that my parents are both in the same city and will babysit anytime. But I don't know...the spark isn't always there (not really sure how it can be after 11 years).

Anyway - appreciate the feedback. I may try some individual counselling to figure this out. I really don't think there is anything huge wrong with my marriage but have no idea why this new person has caused me to obsess over her almost. I'm not sure if I am feeling my life is too dull now (was fine 6 months ago), if i'm in some sort of mid life crisis (34 years old), or what.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its not terrible or unusual to get a bit of a mental "crush" on someone. 

The thing to remember is that you don't know this other woman all that well. There is a tendency to fill in all those gaps in your knowledge with your fantasy - so she appears far more appealing than she would be in real life. 


Meanwhile - is your life at home and particularly your sex life good?


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