# Too Stupid to Understand???



## GrettaT

Hi I am new. Don't know who to speak to. My husband keeps questioning my ability to "understand" when he speaks. 80% of the time he is talking about food, neighbours and more food. Nothing too heavy. These do not interest me but I engage because he wants to talk. I have a good job. I depend on him for nothing really, just love and companionship. I also serve the community. He is not interested in it. That is not a problem. I just don't like the constant disrespect. What can I do? I don't believe in remarriage so if I get divorced - I will be making a decision to have no relationship again (unless he dies before me then I will be free).


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## ccpowerslave

What kind of food we talking here like molecular gastronomy or McDonald’s?


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## GrettaT

ccpowerslave said:


> What kind of food we talking here like molecular gastronomy or McDonald’s?


Nothing exciting - trust me!


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## UpsideDownWorld11

Can you elaborate on what kind of disrespect we are talking about here?


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## ccpowerslave

GrettaT said:


> Nothing exciting - trust me!


So what does he say? He’s like hmm I think this sauce has tomato paste instead of ketchup. Then you say, “What difference does it make?” Then he says, “You fool! You’ll never appreciate how the tomato paste tightens the sauce, ketchup would never work. A true chef wouldn’t use ketchup anyway as they’d want to control the sugar.”

Something like that?


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## GrettaT

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Can you elaborate on what kind of disrespect we are talking about here?


Repeating 20 times in a 1 hour conversation "You understand what I am saying?" Then suggesting it was a waste of time explaining (relaying simple information). It is really bizarre. He was on a dating site after we were married. Said he saw that people were writing him so he was checking his messages. Once threw money on a counter and told me to make myself useful by counting his crumpled up bills. I did not want or need his money to make that purchase.


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## GrettaT

ccpowerslave said:


> So what does he say? He’s like hmm I think this sauce has tomato paste instead of ketchup. Then you say, “What difference does it make?” Then he says, “You fool! You’ll never appreciate how the tomato paste tightens the sauce, ketchup would never work. A true chef wouldn’t use ketchup anyway as they’d want to control the sugar.”
> 
> Something like that?


No - he is just talking about what he ate, what he is eating and what he would like to eat. No arguments there. He is skinny but likes to eat and to talk about eating. He is 15 years older than I am but also likes to talk about college as though he just left. I humor him with that also. I understand it was a happy time in his life.


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## ccpowerslave

My preliminary diagnosis is your husband may be a garden variety ass and at a minimum unpleasant. What are his good qualities?


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## Marc878

Down load and read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover. It’s a free a pdf and short. It doesn’t have to be gender specific


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## GrettaT

ccpowerslave said:


> My preliminary diagnosis is your husband may be a garden variety ass and at a minimum unpleasant. What are his good qualities?


I would say the things I mentioned here are the things that I have not liked - everything else is okay but I am thinking that it would get worse. Maybe I am spoilt but no one has ever spoken to me like that or treated me this way in my life. To give an example, it seemed so strange that last week I got an award and other accolades. I did not even tell him. He was telling me I don't understand anything. It is a waste of time explaining stuff to me and then he stopped talking to me altogether because I cut him off when I had too much.


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## GrettaT

Marc878 said:


> Down load and read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover. It’s a free a pdf and short. It doesn’t have to be gender specific


Okay got it. Thanks for the suggestion. I really am in over my head here. I don't know what to do and there is no one I can speak to.


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## jlg07

What if you turned the tables on HIM -- "I got an award last week, but you wouldn't be able to understand what it was for, so I didn't say anything to you", etc. Every time he says it to YOU discussing food, tell HIM something and say it back to him.

If he continually discusses food and asks that, just tell him you don't want to hear about it from him if he can't be respectful. HIM asking that question so many times about FOOD honestly makes HIM seem like an idiot.


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## Marc878

GrettaT said:


> Okay got it. Thanks for the suggestion. I really am in over my head here. I don't know what to do and there is no one I can speak to.


You teach people how they can treat you. If you change nothing, nothing changes.

You can only be disrespected or mistreated if you allow it.

I doubt talk will get you much. Actions are more effective.

There’s nothing wrong with saying I’m not interested in being treated like this then get up and walk away.
Where is it written that you have to take his BS?


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## GrettaT

jlg07 said:


> What if you turned the tables on HIM -- "I got an award last week, but you wouldn't be able to understand what it was for, so I didn't say anything to you", etc. Every time he says it to YOU discussing food, tell HIM something and say it back to him.
> 
> If he continually discusses food and asks that, just tell him you don't want to hear about it from him if he can't be respectful. HIM asking that question so many times about FOOD honestly makes HIM seem like an idiot.


Sounds good except I like peace. Just want it to stop and not get the silent treatment either. To function properly, I must have peace and balance. I think of all sorts of things I could say to him but really don't wish to go there. I understand there are boundaries I would not cross. I would never try to belittle my husband. I am not sure but it seems like he is trying to do that to me. I wish I could understand him better and what is causes these things to happen.
I am no angel by any means and it works out good for us because he likes to wear the halo in public while I deliver any bad news but do not want to say something to him I will regret after.


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## GrettaT

Marc878 said:


> You teach people how they can treat you. If you change nothing, nothing changes.
> 
> You can only be disrespected or mistreated if you allow it.
> 
> I doubt talk will get you much. Actions are more effective.
> 
> There’s nothing wrong with saying I’m not interested in being treated like this then get up and walk away.
> Where is it written that you have to take his BS?


100%


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## jlg07

GrettaT said:


> Sounds good except I like peace. Just want it to stop and not get the silent treatment either. To function properly, I must have peace and balance. I think of all sorts of things I could say to him but really don't wish to go there. I understand there are boundaries I would not cross. I would never try to belittle my husband. I am not sure but it seems like he is trying to do that to me. I wish I could understand him better and what is causes these things to happen.
> I am no angel by any means and it works out good for us because he likes to wear the halo in public while I deliver any bad news but do not want to say something to him I will regret after.


At the very least then you can tell HIM to stop with HIS belittling of YOU. WHY do you put up with it?


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## Marc878

GrettaT said:


> 100%


All the advice in the world will do nothing if you don’t apply it.


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## GrettaT

jlg07 said:


> At the very least then you can tell HIM to stop with HIS belittling of YOU. WHY do you put up with it?


I stopped it while I try to figure it out. He is not talking to me at all right now so silent treatment since then. Our last real conversation was Saturday 12 June.


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## sokillme

GrettaT said:


> Hi I am new. Don't know who to speak to. My husband keeps questioning my ability to "understand" when he speaks. 80% of the time he is talking about food, neighbours and more food. Nothing too heavy. These do not interest me but I engage because he wants to talk. I have a good job. I depend on him for nothing really, just love and companionship. I also serve the community. He is not interested in it. That is not a problem. I just don't like the constant disrespect. What can I do? I don't believe in remarriage so if I get divorced - I will be making a decision to have no relationship again (unless he dies before me then I will be free).


Well first off, that's awful. How long has this being going on? So you don't believe in remarriage, so I am going to assume you mean divorce too. That doesn't mean you have to live with the guy though. Maybe you can think about moving out for a while just to give him some consequence.


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## GrettaT

sokillme said:


> Well first off, that's awful. How long has this being going on? So you don't believe in remarriage, so I am going to assume you mean divorce too. That doesn't mean you have to live with the guy though. Maybe you can think about moving out for a while just to give him some consequence.


No I will get divorced if it cannot work. Just I will remain that way. This is about 2 months now.


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## sokillme

GrettaT said:


> No I will get divorced if it cannot work. Just I will remain that way. This is about 2 months now.


OK but you can move out. Dude needs consequences. He needs to know that you are not always going to be there if he treats you bad.


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## Ursula

GrettaT said:


> Repeating 20 times in a 1 hour conversation "You understand what I am saying?" Then suggesting it was a waste of time explaining (relaying simple information). It is really bizarre. *He was been on a dating site after we were married. Said he saw that people were writing him so he was checking his messages.* Once threw money on a counter and told me to make myself useful by counting his crumpled up bills. I did not want or need his money to make that purchase.


First off, the bolded text would be a major concern for me. Why in the world would he still be on a dating site unless he's looking?



GrettaT said:


> No - he is just talking about what he ate, what he is eating and what he would like to eat. No arguments there. He is skinny but likes to eat and to talk about eating. He is 15 years older than I am but also likes to talk about college as though he just left. I humor him with that also. I understand it was a happy time in his life.


Could he possibly be on the spectrum?


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## GrettaT

Ursula said:


> First off, the bolded text would be a major concern for me. Why in the world would he still be on a dating site unless he's looking?
> 
> 
> 
> Could he possibly be on the spectrum?


The marriage would not have survived the dating site thing if it were the other way around right? We were both on those sites before we got married. I also had not bothered to cancel but just never paid attention to any email notices after. Never even noticed when they stopped coming. But this and the money on the counter incident, I could have called it quits. My problem is I had in my mind that if a man hits me or has an affair, the marriage is over. These other things - do they happen in other marriages and should it mean the end?

He is supposed to be educated. Has a Masters from a good University. I thought I was marrying an older man but he acts like a petulant child now and less mature than younger guys.

I don't feel insulted or anything really because I know what is going on either has nothing to do with me or maybe it does but for some reason he won't tell me what the real problem is.

If he wants his freedom I am happy to give him. Anything else would be pathetic.


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## BigDaddyNY

GrettaT said:


> The marriage would not have survived the dating site thing if it were the other way around right? We were both on those sites before we got married. I also had not bothered to cancel but just never paid attention to any email notices after. Never even noticed when they stopped coming. But this and the money on the counter incident, I could have called it quits. My problem is I had in my mind that if a man hits me or has an affair, the marriage is over. These other things - do they happen in other marriages and should it mean the end?
> 
> He is supposed to be educated. Has a Masters from a good University. I thought I was marrying an older man but he acts like a petulant child now and less mature than younger guys.
> 
> I don't feel insulted or anything really because I know what is going on either has nothing to do with me or maybe it does but for some reason he won't tell me what the real problem is.
> 
> If he wants his freedom I am happy to give him. Anything else would be pathetic.


How long have you been married?

I don't know what belief is behind your no remarriage rule, but it seems like horrible self punishment to me. You made a poor judgement and married a guy that was on a dating site right after you got married, talks to you like you are stupid and has done other things that shows he has no respect for you. Because of that mistake you have to decide between being single and never having another relationship with someone that actually loves and respects you or staying married to an ass. Doesn't seem fair to me.


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## BigDaddyNY

GrettaT said:


> The marriage would not have survived the dating site thing if it were the other way around right? We were both on those sites before we got married. I also had not bothered to cancel but just never paid attention to any email notices after. Never even noticed when they stopped coming. But this and the money on the counter incident, I could have called it quits. My problem is I had in my mind that if a man hits me or has an affair, the marriage is over. These other things - do they happen in other marriages and should it mean the end?
> 
> He is supposed to be educated. Has a Masters from a good University. I thought I was marrying an older man but he acts like a petulant child now and less mature than younger guys.
> 
> I don't feel insulted or anything really because I know what is going on either has nothing to do with me or maybe it does but for some reason he won't tell me what the real problem is.
> 
> *If he wants his freedom I am happy to give him. Anything else would be pathetic.*


What do you mean by your last statement? Freedom to date other women, or freedom from your marriage, or something else?


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## GrettaT

BigDaddyNY said:


> How long have you been married?
> 
> I don't know what belief is behind your no remarriage rule, but it seems like horrible self punishment to me. You made a poor judgement and married a guy that was on a dating site right after you got married, talks to you like you are stupid and has done other things that shows he has no respect for you. Because of that mistake you have to decide between being single and never having another relationship with someone that actually loves and respects you or staying married to an ass. Doesn't seem fair to me.


Married for 5 years now.

I don't see being on my own as self punishment. Trust me, I'll be okay. It was always a possible outcome the day I decided to get married.


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## GrettaT

BigDaddyNY said:


> What do you mean by your last statement? Freedom to date other women, or freedom from your marriage, or something else?


A divorce so then he will be free to do whatever he pleases. I won't even be interested in what happens after.


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## Ursula

GrettaT said:


> The marriage would not have survived the dating site thing if it were the other way around right? We were both on those sites before we got married. I also had not bothered to cancel but just never paid attention to any email notices after. Never even noticed when they stopped coming. But this and the money on the counter incident, I could have called it quits. My problem is I had in my mind that if a man hits me or has an affair, the marriage is over. These other things - do they happen in other marriages and should it mean the end?
> 
> He is supposed to be educated. Has a Masters from a good University. I thought I was marrying an older man but he acts like a petulant child now and less mature than younger guys.
> 
> I don't feel insulted or anything really because I know what is going on either has nothing to do with me or maybe it does but for some reason he won't tell me what the real problem is.
> 
> If he wants his freedom I am happy to give him. Anything else would be pathetic.


No marriage is perfect by any means, but the one thing that I did learn through being in a marriage is that the happy times need to outweigh the not-so-happy times, and if they don't, there's a problem. Does he make you smile more than cry? 

As for being highly educated but still being a child, I get that. My now XH has 2 Masters degrees, a Doctorate and a Post-Doctorate. He's an astrophysicist, and he's downright brilliant. Problem is that he's so book-smart that he's downright dumb with common sense stuff. And, even though he's 8.5 years older than me, he always acted like a 12 year old. I get where you are, and it's a tough spot. You want an equal partner in life, and someone who will step up and be a man, and you don't have that. 

Chances are good that he doesn't even realize what he's doing, but perhaps he does, and is just well-versed at playing the manipulation game. My XH also treated me like I was very dumb, and would manipulate, control and gaslight at every chance. Leaving him was the best decision I ever made, and life is so much happier. I'm not telling you to leave your husband, but life is too short to be unhappy much of the time. Think about what YOU want out of life, and with a partner. Maybe try talking to him, see if he'll go to counselling with you. Read some self-help books; a good one that helped me a lot is: "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. I'd recommend it to anyone who is having marital (or general relationship) problems.


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## GrettaT

Ursula said:


> No marriage is perfect by any means, but the one thing that I did learn through being in a marriage is that the happy times need to outweigh the not-so-happy times, and if they don't, there's a problem. Does he make you smile more than cry?
> 
> As for being highly educated but still being a child, I get that. My now XH has 2 Masters degrees, a Doctorate and a Post-Doctorate. He's an astrophysicist, and he's downright brilliant. Problem is that he's so book-smart that he's downright dumb with common sense stuff. And, even though he's 8.5 years older than me, he always acted like a 12 year old. I get where you are, and it's a tough spot. You want an equal partner in life, and someone who will step up and be a man, and you don't have that.
> 
> Chances are good that he doesn't even realize what he's doing, but perhaps he does, and is just well-versed at playing the manipulation game. My XH also treated me like I was very dumb, and would manipulate, control and gaslight at every chance. Leaving him was the best decision I ever made, and life is so much happier. I'm not telling you to leave your husband, but life is too short to be unhappy much of the time. Think about what YOU want out of life, and with a partner. Maybe try talking to him, see if he'll go to counselling with you. Read some self-help books; a good one that helped me a lot is: "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. I'd recommend it to anyone who is having marital (or general relationship) problems.


Well maybe we are both book smart with no common sense . I am the one with the doctorate.
He never made me cry - but then I am not a crier. The things I mentioned and the fact that he does not introduce me as his wife (then is upset when even his friends hit on me or try to talk to him about me) are the "bad" things in the relationship. Also, our finances are 100% separate, but that is neither here nor there. As a grown woman - I take care of myself. Money would only be a problem if I had expectations.
I am not really a "think with the heart" kind of person so these types of things - I cannot figure them out.
Normally I can figure stuff out but this is beyond me.
I just know that there is something I am not seeing and it is driving me crazy.
I know that one thing can end a marriage - maybe whatever makes him act this way now has already ended mine and I don't know 
I will get the book you recommended. He is not speaking to me at all at the moment after I cut him off the last time he mentioned it was a waste of time explaining anything to me so I have some breathing space for if we are to have another conversation. I will not try to connect - waiting on him.
I can leave but there will be no new partner. Not that I cannot get one. But I can't do another relationship so there will be no new partner.
Maybe he will agree to counselling but if neither of us know the counsellor and they are remote - I understand - we are both public persons to some extent.


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## coquille

GrettaT said:


> Well maybe we are both book smart with no common sense . I am the one with the doctorate.
> He never made me cry - but then I am not a crier. The things I mentioned and the fact that he does not introduce me as his wife (then is upset when even his friends hit on me or try to talk to him about me) are the "bad" things in the relationship. Also, our finances are 100% separate, but that is neither here nor there. As a grown woman - I take care of myself. Money would only be a problem if I had expectations.
> I am not really a "think with the heart" kind of person so these types of things - I cannot figure them out.
> Normally I can figure stuff out but this is beyond me.
> I just know that there is something I am not seeing and it is driving me crazy.
> I know that one thing can end a marriage - maybe whatever makes him act this way now has already ended mine and I don't know
> I will get the book you recommended. He is not speaking to me at all at the moment after I cut him off the last time he mentioned it was a waste of time explaining anything to me so I have some breathing space for if we are to have another conversation. I will not try to connect - waiting on him.
> I can leave but there will be no new partner. Not that I cannot get one. But I can't do another relationship so there will be no new partner.
> Maybe he will agree to counselling but if neither of us know the counsellor and they are remote - I understand - we are both public persons to some extent.


It sounds to me that your husband has a lot of insecurities and your doctorate makes him even more insecure. He belittles you because he is intimidated by your intelligence, and it is his way to feel superior or at least not inferior to you. You know of course that giving someone the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse, right? He is verbally and emotionally abusive towards you, so he makes you feel like you want to keep the peace. His goal is to make you question your self-worth and it sounds like he is getting what he wants to some extent. In your posts you come across as intelligent and independent, so his emotional abuse has succeeded in making you, let's say, docile. There is no reason to cave in to his manipulation. You are way out of his league, and he is well aware of that, and this is triggering his insecurities. Some people need to feel superior to their partners in order to feel good about themselves. They have no inner satisfaction with themselves, so they find this kind of satisfaction by putting down their partners. I think this is what your husband is doing: by belittling your brains, by refraining from speaking to you. He sounds like a control freak and putting you down makes him feel better about himself, which is petty.

I lived with an abusive husband for 22 years. He was 16 years older, and although I consider myself intelligent, and he knew this, he liked to act as if he was married to some dumb Barbie. I got my doctorate while raising our three children, and when he realized that he cannot make anyone believe that I am a dumb Barbie with a PhD, he became more abusive and he constantly tried to make fun of people with doctorate, called them crazy. 
Looks like your husband thinks by belittling you he will be able to keep you under his control and you won't leave him, because deep down he knows he doesn't deserve you.


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## GrettaT

coquille said:


> It sounds to me that your husband has a lot of insecurities and your doctorate makes him even more insecure. He belittles you because he is intimidated by your intelligence, and it is his way to feel superior or at least not inferior to you. You know of course that giving someone the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse, right? He is verbally and emotionally abusive towards you, so he makes you feel like you want to keep the peace. His goal is to make you question your self-worth and it sounds like he is getting what he wants to some extent. In your posts you come across as intelligent and independent, so his emotional abuse has succeeded in making you, let's say, docile. There is no reason to cave in to his manipulation. You are way out of his league, and he is well aware of that, and this is triggering his insecurities. Some people need to feel superior to their partners in order to feel good about themselves. They have no inner satisfaction with themselves, so they find this kind of satisfaction by putting down their partners. I think this is what your husband is doing: by belittling your brains, by refraining from speaking to you. He sounds like a control freak and putting you down makes him feel better about himself, which is petty.
> 
> I lived with an abusive husband for 22 years. He was 16 years older, and although I consider myself intelligent, and he knew this, he liked to act as if he was married to some dumb Barbie. I got my doctorate while raising our three children, and when he realized that he cannot make anyone believe that I am a dumb Barbie with a PhD, he became more abusive and he constantly tried to make fun of people with doctorate, called them crazy.
> Looks like your husband thinks by belittling you he will be able to keep you under his control and you won't leave him, because deep down he knows he doesn't deserve you.


Thanks for the response. He also has a lot going on for himself so I am not sure but then who knows what is in his mind.
It seems you knew exactly what was going on with your husband. I hope that all is well with you now and you are living your best life.
If this is also the case - what do I do? What did you try?
Is there anyway it can be "fixed"? I know other women with doctorates married to men without and everything seems fine. It is not something I emphasize. Unless someone works with me they will not even know. Men always say they could not care less about these things in a woman like education or career so I was looking at the things they say matter like attractiveness and femininity.
I try to think if my situation is due to my behavior but I maybe it is more of what people outside say.
Like your wife is so smart or what are you doing with this young woman? (I look younger than my age and he is 15yrs older as well) Those are what I have heard.


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## coquille

GrettaT said:


> Thanks for the response. He also has a lot going on for himself so I am not sure but then who knows what is in his mind.
> It seems you knew exactly what was going on with your husband. I hope that all is well with you now and you are living your best life.
> If this is also the case - what do I do? What did you try?
> Is there anyway it can be "fixed"? I know other women with doctorates married to men without and everything seems fine. It is not something I emphasize. Unless someone works with me they will not even know. Men always say they could not care less about these things in a woman like education or career so I was looking at the things they say matter like attractiveness and femininity.
> I try to think if my situation is due to my behavior but I maybe it is more of what people outside say.
> Like your wife is so smart or what are you doing with this young woman? (I look younger than my age and he is 15yrs older as well) Those are what I have heard.


I divorced. Nothing I could do would make things better because he felt threatened by me being me. Your husband feels threatened by you being you, being younger, more educated and more secure. He is insecure and his insecurities are his problem. You are neither responsible for them nor are you able to solve them for him. You are not actively seeking to undermine his self-confidence; on the contrary, he seems to act in a way that undermines yours. 
Honestly, I don't know if you can do anything to help him. It's not your fault that you are who you are. Some people are secure and there is nothing that undermines their self-confidence, but some others (especially men because men's intellectual and professional superiority over women is kind of normalized in our society) feel threatened by their partner's intellect. 
It sounds like you are not doing anything to remind him that he is less educated than you. If you can't confront him in regard to his attitude, it would be a good idea that you seek therapy to find out why you are accepting his abuse. You cannot change him but you can change what you can do about yourself.


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## DownByTheRiver

GrettaT said:


> Hi I am new. Don't know who to speak to. My husband keeps questioning my ability to "understand" when he speaks. 80% of the time he is talking about food, neighbours and more food. Nothing too heavy. These do not interest me but I engage because he wants to talk. I have a good job. I depend on him for nothing really, just love and companionship. I also serve the community. He is not interested in it. That is not a problem. I just don't like the constant disrespect. What can I do? I don't believe in remarriage so if I get divorced - I will be making a decision to have no relationship again (unless he dies before me then I will be free).


The next time talks condescendingly to you or acts like you're stupid, tell him you're not going to put up with his verbal abuse. If you have an unpleasant marriage you'd be better off single.


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