# Husband and vasectomy



## Fitgirl (Jul 30, 2015)

Hello everyone! I'm new here, just joined to seek some answer about my problem. 

My husband just had a vasectomy done without telling me but I found out about it because I saw he's having sore balls and stitches when he got out of the shower. I was soooo angry, we got into a fight and he says to me that Every woman should be proud of a man that does this thing?? He says It would enhance our sex life, because we no longer have to be concerned about unwanted further pregnancies. He says it is not safe for a woman to be on the contraceptive pill indefinitely. He told me not to get angry because it's his body and his choice? I am still pissed because he didn't talk to me before he got this vasectomy done.. Am I wrong for being pissed off????

P.S please excuse any wrong grammar,English is not my language. Thank you!


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

You have every right to be pissed off. I had one done last year, but this was after discussing with my wife to make sure we were on the same page as far as any more kids, etc... This is a big decision to make, he did it without you which honestly just shows a lack of respect.

Have you guys already agreed that kids are no longer in your future.


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## Fitgirl (Jul 30, 2015)

Thank you for your kind reply. 
He said he has the right to do it because it's his body. I may add, he talks to a bunch of girls where he played chess online. 

Have you guys already agreed that kids are no longer in your future.[/QUOTE]

We have one child. Before We talked about not having kids anymore but we weren't serious about this topic. :crying:


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Fitgirl said:


> Thank you for your kind reply.
> He said he has the right to do it because it's his body. I may add, he talks to a bunch of girls where he played chess online.
> 
> Have you guys already agreed that kids are no longer in your future.
> ...


Chess girls don't scare me :grin2:

Honestly the bolded is what I would be most concerned about. He made a decision that has a direct impact on your marriage, without you. I honestly don't know what the solution is (except tell him to get it reversed if possible), but this could very well be something you develop a lot of resentment over with time so I wouldn't take it lightly.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

It's understandable why you would be upset.

Given that the procedure is already done, I think the question to ask yourself at this point is whether having another child is actually really important to you. Do you know the answer to this?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

It is of course both things at once. It IS his body and his right to get a vasectomy, and it's your right to be angry about it.

So now what are you going to do? Did you _really_ want to consider more children or are you just bent out of shape about this? Any man who truly never wants to father another child is smart to ensure that he never does, and in the end, your sex life will thank him for it. Unless, of course, you really did want another child.


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## fat_moe (Jul 29, 2015)

You don't have a right to what he does with his body. He doesn't want any more kids. How would you feel if your husband wanted to discuss you carrying a pregnancy to term that you didn't want? I'm sure most women would reply that it's "her body, her choice." Though, he should have let you know it was happening beforehand.


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## Fitgirl (Jul 30, 2015)

Thank you Anon1111 and Cletus.

Well I may not want more kids now but maybe I'd want more someday and he just told me last night to just go with the flow because it's very impossible to get it reversed?? Arrrrg! Sigh! 

Also, why would he did this considering he travels a lot and we only see a few times a year?? I am angry at him but he's even angrier at me and shouting telling me to get over it.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

fat_moe said:


> You don't have a right to what he does with his body. He doesn't want any more kids. How would you feel if your husband wanted to discuss you to carrying a pregnancy to term that you didn't want? I'm sure most women would reply that it's "her body, her choice." Though, he should have let you know it was happening beforehand.


I don't see the issue being not being able to do what he wants with his body. The issue is he went ahead without saying anything to his wife. It may be his body but it could have an impact on their marriage so it is disrespectful to leave her out of the conversation. It sounds like there was never a serious conversation about having any more kids, and IMO this should have been discussed prior to his surgery. He could have still gone ahead with the surgery regardless of how the conversation went, but at least show your spouse some respect by discussing beforehand.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Fitgirl said:


> Also, why would he did this considering he travels a lot and we only see a few times a year?? I am angry at him but he's even angrier at me and shouting telling me to get over it.


You are married and only see each other a few times a year ???


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
was this ever discussed before? Have you two disagreed over having another child?


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## Fitgirl (Jul 30, 2015)

EllisRedding said:


> You are married and only see each other a few times a year ???


Yes because of his job (traveling engineer)


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

His body. His right.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Women have abortions without telling their husband they're even pregnant. Or decide not to have one even when they've agreed she would. Her body, her choice is what we're told. Well, his body, his choice. Either both situations require both partners to have a say, or neither do, IMO.


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## Fitgirl (Jul 30, 2015)

fat_moe said:


> You don't have a right to what he does with his body. He doesn't want any more kids. How would you feel if your husband wanted to discuss you carrying a pregnancy to term that you didn't want? I'm sure most women would reply that it's "her body, her choice." Though, he should have let you know it was happening beforehand.


Thanks so much fat_moe. I understand it's his body but Im sorry I only want to agree with the last part of your comment.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*As a married couple, you are "a team," and as such, decisions about having children in the future should be a joint one and not a unilateral one! And while you do not "own" his body, just as he does not own yours, he should have never submitted to the procedure without your total blessings!

Accordingly, you have every right to be totally upset!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fat_moe (Jul 29, 2015)

EllisRedding said:


> I don't see the issue being not being able to do what he wants with his body. The issue is he went ahead without saying anything to his wife. It may be his body but it could have an impact on their marriage so it is disrespectful to leave her out of the conversation. It sounds like there was never a serious conversation about having any more kids, and IMO this should have been discussed prior to his surgery. He could have still gone ahead with the surgery regardless of how the conversation went, but at least show your spouse some respect by discussing beforehand.


Yes, I see your point. Maybe I was being the devil's advocate with my first answer. I sometimes sense there is a bit of a double-standard in our society concerning men's personal choices versus women's. Thinking about it again, it is bad for a marriage for either person to unilaterally make a decision that will seriously affect the relationship. But, the conclusion begs the question as to what men should be allowed to expect from their wives. If a woman gains weight or refuses to have sex, then there needs to be a discussion as well. Fair is fair.


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## Fitgirl (Jul 30, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> was this ever discussed before? Have you two disagreed over having another child?



Good evening and thank you.

We never talk about him having vasectomy before and we have talked about not having kids anymore but not too serious or maybe he was serious but I didn't know he never tell me reallyyyy


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## Fitgirl (Jul 30, 2015)

arbitrator said:


> *As a married couple, you are "a team," and as such, decisions about having children in the future should be a joint one and not a unilateral one! And while you do not "own" his body, just as he does not own yours, he should have never submitted to the procedure without your total blessings!
> 
> Accordingly, you have every right to be totally upset!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you!

This is exactly what I was trying to explain to him last Monday but he just gets angry and shouting and saying to me that I should be thankful he did this so he can go for hours and satisfy me???Hmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Fitgirl said:


> I may add, he talks to a bunch of girls where he played chess online.


Had a vasectomy, and talks to girls on line....?

Let me put it a different way.


Took (drastic) steps to make sure he can't get anyone pregnant, without discussing it with you first, and spends time talking to other women online?.....


Is it just me?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Fitgirl said:


> Thank you!
> 
> This is exactly what I was trying to explain to him last Monday but he just gets angry and shouting and saying to me that I should be thankful he did this so he can go for hours and satisfy me???Hmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


So a vasectomy leads to hours or pleasure??? That's a new one lol


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## Fitgirl (Jul 30, 2015)

Basically he's telling me to STFU and just go with the flow cuz it's already done? But I can't seem to let myself calm about this because I also have problems with him and his women that he talks to for hours online. I don't know if he meets them, my sister told me to check his phone or emails or messenger but I don't want to invade his privacy or he's going to be really mad at me.


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## fat_moe (Jul 29, 2015)

Fitgirl said:


> Thank you!
> 
> This is exactly what I was trying to explain to him last Monday but he just gets angry and shouting and saying to me that I should be thankful he did this so he can go for hours and satisfy me???Hmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I think you both need to cool down and then reapproach this topic. It is obvious he doesn't want any more children and ultimately you should respect and accept that if you want to be with him. You already have one child and for many men that is a huge level of responsibility and committment. You will always be the mother of his child. As far as the vasectomy, what's done is done. Even if he didn't have the vasectomy, you now know that if you were to have any additional children he really wouldn't have wanted to. So, in a way, potential resentment has been avoided in your relationship.

Next, you should have had the opportunity to air your opinion on the situation. He should have consulted your opinion beforehand and at least explained his reasoning to you. You are owed that. His unilateral action was not the best way to approach this situation and it points to a lack of communication. Marriage is most certainly supposed to be a team effort. I just got aggressive before because sometimes I have a "me against the world" mentality. This mentality is not good in a team environment.

As an aside, I'm not sure how a vasectomy would increase stamina during sex.


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## Fitgirl (Jul 30, 2015)

DayOne said:


> Had a vasectomy, and talks to girls on line....?
> 
> Let me put it a different way.
> 
> ...


One friend told me the same thing but I love my husband and I want to trust him


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Its very strange that he didn't discuss this at all first - and that suggests that there is some other issue, though I can't guess what. 

I could understand it (though not agree) if you had disagreed on whether or not to have another child, but you havent'.

Do the two of you have difficulty communicating? 




Fitgirl said:


> Good evening and thank you.
> 
> We never talk about him having vasectomy before and we have talked about not having kids anymore but not too serious or maybe he was serious but I didn't know he never tell me reallyyyy


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

fat_moe said:


> You don't have a right to what he does with his body. He doesn't want any more kids. How would you feel if your husband wanted to discuss you carrying a pregnancy to term that you didn't want? I'm sure most women would reply that it's "her body, her choice." Though, he should have let you know it was happening beforehand.


actually, in my state my W had to sign a waiver before I could get the procedure done. So she does get a vote, actually a right to deny said procedure.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Fitgirl said:


> One friend told me the same thing but I love my husband and I want to trust him





> please excuse any wrong grammar, English is not my language. Thank you!


There's an expression in English: 

"Trust, but Verify"

Something is very wrong here, IMO (In My Opinion)

It's time for you do go quiet, with him, and start digging into things. His phone(s), emails, internet history, where he goes.

There are better experienced people on the is forum who are very knowledgeable in how to find the truth. Hopefully they'll chime in ( @weightlifter ).


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## fat_moe (Jul 29, 2015)

naiveonedave said:


> actually, in my state my W had to sign a waiver before I could get the procedure done. So she does get a vote, actually a right to deny said procedure.


That's interesting. So, I assume husbands have to sign off on their wife's abortion or they are denied the procedure. Right?


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Is it okay for him to be taking a shower with the stitches still in?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

soccermom2three said:


> Is it okay for him to be taking a shower with the stitches still in?


Not sure where you are going with this, but yes lol. 

I thought you were implying she should start pulling out the stitches :grin2:


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

DayOne said:


> Had a vasectomy, and talks to girls on line....?
> 
> Let me put it a different way.
> 
> ...


*It's timing as well as circumstances certainly seems plausible enough to present an aura of "probable cause!" Greatly provided that some extracurricular sexual activity were to subsequently occur in the foreseeable future, then it definitely gives rise to this unilateral marital decision of his! Ces pas?*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Justinian (Mar 7, 2015)

Fitgirl said:


> Well I may not want more kids now but maybe I'd want more someday and he just told me last night to just go with the flow because it's very impossible to get it reversed??
> 
> ... I am angry at him but he's even angrier at me and shouting telling me to get over it.


Vasectomy reversals have a high success rate, especially during the first three years after the procedure. The rate drops as time goes on.

The major concern should be his apparent complete lack of empathy regarding your feelings. If not addressed, that's sure to show up in other areas of the relationship.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

fat_moe said:


> That's interesting. So, I assume husbands have to sign off on their wife's abortion or they are denied the procedure. Right?


I don't know for sure, but I sincerely doubt it.


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## Fitgirl (Jul 30, 2015)

Thank you everyone for your kind advice and thoughts. 
Today he didn't speak with me. and in two weeks he has to leave for work again. I just want to forget about this problem so we can enjoy our times together while he is around but I don't know why I am very upset about it. Maybe because he doesn't think what he did is completely out of my business which I think is wrong?


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## Fitgirl (Jul 30, 2015)

naiveonedave said:


> actually, in my state my W had to sign a waiver before I could get the procedure done. So she does get a vote, actually a right to deny said procedure.


Thank you but Where I live, the man does not need permission of his wife to get vasectomy done. :frown2:


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

In my opinion he should have discussed it first. Maybe you'd of had good reasoning and persuasive arguments why he should not do it, and perhaps he'd of agreed with you. I'm not for either party in the marriage unilaterally deciding against (or even for, in the case of birth control sabatoge) the choice for children. 

However, it is his body, and his choice. Men can get hammered over support for children, even when they were dead set against it and there was birth control sabatoge. 

I know I will never want another child. My choice. But I made that choice and was up front about it when dating and before marriage. I also knew I'd never trust a woman to respect my wishes. Was on the verge of getting snipped when I met my w, who cannot have children, so for now, I'm still in tact. But I was going to have it done and there was nobody who was going to tell me otherwise. 

A conversation should have taken place. And a smart move may have been to have some sperm frozen and stored before the snipping. But in the end it would be like a woman getting her tubes tied without consulting the husband. Wrong to do so without the conversation, and would speak to some serious problems in the marriage, but still her choice. 

I'd be more concerned with why he made the decision without consulting you. Could be he's angry at this whole "I'm a woman, my body, my choice" thing and made his own little stand for equality.....OR there are things wrong in your relationship where he refused to, or felt he could not or did not want to discuss with you. I think you need to stop worrying about that which is already done, and get to work with him and find out the truth behind WHY it was done without discussion with his life partner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

He absolutely should had discuss this with you before he did it. How would he felt is you did breasts reduction without telling him? Also, I voice my concern with other members about this situation. If he only sees you few times a year, why do it unless there are other reasons?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> His body. His right.


Agreed, the shrill screams of 'equality' from the Women's Rights Activists are the people you should be angry at.


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

OP, i don't know how old you are, but you seem very young (judging by the way you type). Is he significantly older than you?

I just had mine done about three weeks ago but that was after discussion with my wife to make sure we were really done.

I Ind it off that you noticed stitches when he comes out of the shower; the incisions are very small. We're you looking more carefully because you noticed that he was acting sore?

You said you talked about not having any more kids, but it wasn't serious. Was it serious for him? Sometimes we say thing half in jest but the other person takes them to heart - if you said even jokingly that you didn't want any more kids, then he might have thought you were serious.

The other side of the coin is that he is having an affair or planning to have one. I would check his phone and email and such. But if you find something, don't confront him right away without a preponderance of evidence, because cheaters deny everything, even when they know they are caught.


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## Fitgirl (Jul 30, 2015)

life_huppens said:


> He absolutely should had discuss this with you before he did it. How would he felt is you did breasts reduction without telling him? Also, I voice my concern with other members about this situation. If he only sees you few times a year, why do it unless there are other reasons?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's one of the reasons why I'm upset about this because it's not like we have more than 10 times of sex in a month,he's always gone for work. Miles away!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*And do keep in mind that it can take up to 30 days or so from the vasectomy surgery date before his sperm count is deemed to be at an absolute zero level! 

Until such time, he could well be capable of impregnating you or anyone else that he happens to fall into bed with!*_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fitgirl (Jul 30, 2015)

Seppuku said:


> OP, i don't know how old you are, but you seem very young (judging by the way you type). Is he significantly older than you?
> 
> I just had mine done about three weeks ago but that was after discussion with my wife to make sure we were really done.
> 
> ...


Yes he is older,much older actually (late 40s) but very handsome. He travels twice a year home for one or two months then leave again. I found out because he's having sore balls, when got out of shower he never put towel around his waist usually walks around naked to our room so I pulled the towel off from him coz I was going to get on my knees etc..then I saw sore balls and stitches, upon confronting him he got very angry and didn't explain at all. He only said I should be happy but we got into a big fight, we didn't speak today. Very quiet between us right now he is on his laptop playing chess online. I know my sister keep telling me to check his messenger (Skype) emails and phone but don't know the passwords and he's going to be really mad if I get into his stuff. I don't know if he's having an affair. But I know he talks to a lot of women. He's not a bad person he just likes to do whatever he wants because he says he's the one bringing money on the table!! Although I have a job but don't make as much as him.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

All kinds of 'red flags' (danger signs) here, FitGirl. He thinks he owns you, and can do whatever he wants. This is including being unfaithful. Even if it is only electronically right now (online), which I have my doubts about, it will go physical. If it hasn't already. "playing chess online" means he is chatting to other women. 

Your sister is telling you true, you should listen.


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## Fitgirl (Jul 30, 2015)

DayOne said:


> All kinds of 'red flags' (danger signs) here, FitGirl. He thinks he owns you, and can do whatever he wants. This is including being unfaithful. Even if it is only electronically right now (online), which I have my doubts about, it will go physical. If it hasn't already. "playing chess online" means he is chatting to other women.
> 
> Your sister is telling you true, you should listen.


We have had fights over his addiction of playing chess online and I saw him many times he was talking to women that he plays with. He says of course he has to reply them when they ask questions about the game. I never doubted him, I always trust him but not 100% anymore since he got this vasectomy done behind my back. I want to investigate and do what my sister say but also afraid that he might find out I'm snooping around his stuff???


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

I guess you have a decision to make then. Whether to continue to live in doubt, or to starting finding out the truth. As i said before, there are plenty of post and threads on this forum that can help you investigate. 

Your choice.


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## Fitgirl (Jul 30, 2015)

Thank you. It's hard but I think I will start snooping around, since he is always on chess site that's where Im going to start because he gets a tons of emails (I see only tiny red notifications) his inbox in that site.. Hmmmmmm hmm


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

Why not just sit behind him and start rubbing his shoulders while he's "playing chess?" It will give you a good vantage point to see what he is doing. If he is hiding something from you, expect him to push you away or close the laptop.


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## Fitgirl (Jul 30, 2015)

This morning when he got back from the gym, he didn't even take a shower and eat but went to open his laptop and was playing chess again. I was pretending to ask him if he wants something from the store (I wasn't going) just to have a look on what he was doing but everytime i get near him he tries to switch it to another tab to AOL news Arrrrrrg! It's sad we didn't enjoy our time together because he has to live again for work in two weeks.


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

Had a buddy that got one after his wife had her tubes tied, it was a head scratcher for sure his wife was not mad the only thing I could come up with was open marriage or swinging

Also he only had one ball and I joked with him about getting it for half price and him being a sucker for a good deal 

On that side note he should have talked to you about it before he had it because you are partners but I dont think he needed your approvel or your blessing to bo it 

The compromise would have been to freeze sperm and then get it done


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Fitgirl said:


> This morning when he got back from the gym, he didn't even take a shower and eat but went to open his laptop and was playing chess again. I was pretending to ask him if he wants something from the store (I wasn't going) just to have a look on what he was doing but everytime i get near him he tries to switch it to another tab to AOL news Arrrrrrg! It's sad we didn't enjoy our time together because he has to live again for work in two weeks.


Your husband is being secretive for a reason, he's obviously hiding something. That's just not a normal reaction. 

I'd do some snooping if I was you. 

As for the vasectomy, yes it's his body and he should have the right to do whatever he really wants at the end of the day. However most reasonable married, loving people don't make huge decisions without consulting their spouse. That's just selfish and strange. 

I don't think your relationship us anywhere close to respectful, and he feels for some reason that he can walk all over you.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

He can do what he wants with his body but as your husband, he should have discussed with you first and try to convince you. You're his c-pilot in life, how he could change coarse without making sure you were ok with it, is beyond me.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Fitgirl said:


> ....but everytime i get near him he tries to switch it to another tab to AOL news


Meh. Pass snooping, go straight to leaving. You're done. Sorry.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

I just read this whole thread & yes, you have every right to be upset. He removed permanently any chance for you to have any more kids with him. I don't want to scare you, but if I only spent time with my wife a few times a year & obviously was around other women, having a vasectomy just made cheating full proof.
please be careful & observant.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

A married couple who values each other DOES NOT ACT selfishly. If he truly loved you then he would have brought up the vasectomy before he went ahead with it.

I had one after my late wife's life an death delivery, but I never had it without my wife's 100% green light. It may be my body but because we loved each other, it was hers as well.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Your husband is behaving very suspiciously and is very disrespectful as well.

At best this is an unhealthy marriage that can't continue on the current path, at worst he is cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fitgirl (Jul 30, 2015)

Thank you guys for advice and kind thoughts. Last night we got into another fight, this time it's not about his vasectomy (I tried not talking about it anymore cuz it's already done) but him hiding his stuff from me. I asked him if I could borrow his laptop, he questioned me why don't I use my own Computer and then I asked if he could open his phone (password protected) I wanted to make a call using his but refused so it made me suspicious and I got angry again. He doesn't like me seeing angry so he told me I can use his laptop when he's done using it and also the phone but I would have to wait. I started telling him that is there anything on his phone and computer that I don't have to know, he became very angry and shouting and telling me not to accused him of anything. Also,he is very jealous and gets upset when I go somewhere and guys hitting on me. I do get a lot of attention from guys even though I always have my wedding ring on. (He never wears his,he says too uncomfortable when he's working) Pretty much every time i go somewhere somebody asks me to go out with them ( and ignore the fact that I am married). I don't wear very revealing trashy clothes. So it is not like I am asking for it. I only go shopping, work and to the gym. He insults every guys at the gym that hit on me by telling them to back off and tells them they're ugly and have small penis, etc. This makes me embarrassed but if I complain he would say that I defended those guys or accused me!!! I am so lost at the moment,I can't stop crying!!! I hate when he goes back to work but at this point I don't really care if he leaves.


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## Fitgirl (Jul 30, 2015)

woundedwarrior said:


> I don't want to scare you, but if I only spent time with my wife a few times a year & obviously was around other women, having a vasectomy just made cheating full proof.
> please be careful & observant.


Thanks so much! After he got a vasectomy done behind my back I don't know if I should ever trust him again!!!


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## Fitgirl (Jul 30, 2015)

*LittleDeer* said:


> Your husband is being secretive for a reason, he's obviously hiding something. That's just not a normal reaction.
> 
> I'd do some snooping if I was you.


Agreed. Thank you. It's a little hard to do some snooping right now he takes his phone with him anywhere and locked his laptop!!! But eventually I will find out everything,although I am not ready what to find. I am nervous.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

It is his body but when you married him he agreed that whats yours is his and whats his is yours. I would be more worried about him trying to keep it from you and why? Good luck


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

Married but Happy said:


> Women have abortions without telling their husband they're even pregnant. Or decide not to have one even when they've agreed she would. Her body, her choice is what we're told. Well, his body, his choice. Either both situations require both partners to have a say, or neither do, IMO.


A vasectomy is not at all comparable to an abortion. It could at best be compared to a woman having her tubes tied (although a woman goes through much more risk, pain and long term effects from her surgery).

A vasectomy is considered a permanent form of birth control, even though there is a very small chance of reversal. He denied his wife any future children till death (or divorce) do part - so he doesn't have to wear a condom. So he can enjoy the sex more. Not to avoid unwanted pregnancy even, as they were using effective birth control already.

In a relationship the decision of children should be joint, and if the couple aren't on the same page it is _easily_ a deal-breaker, or could prevent a happy couple from taking the next step (like marriage) as you cannot commit when you don't agree on kids. The decision is HUGE. It's different when the decision is taken away, such as infertility unplanned pregnancy - those things are taken as they come for better or worse. *Purposely* sterilizing oneself without even consulting your spouse is not something a loving, trusting, respectful partner would do. There's obviously deeper issues going on.

Fitgirl, you sound too lovely to be with this man and deserve better.


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## Fitgirl (Jul 30, 2015)

intheory said:


> I didn't know AOL was still up and running.
> 
> OP, please don't take offense to the following. Your photo seems to indicate that apart from having a nice physique:smile2:, you may also be Asian, is that right?
> 
> ...


Hi. Yes I am Asian, (28) and he is American. I met him 9 yrs ago when he was assigned to work here in my country. He is very fit and handsome for his age (48) and where I live people thinks white guys are like celebrity so when he walks around they think that he really is a celebrity and I think he takes advantage of it sometimes. So you see when my fellow country guys are hitting on me like for example at the gym he would insult them like saying ugly and have small penis, etc. and it's true I hate to admit this but my opinions don't matter to him. He thinks that I am just a child. It's pathetic! I never doubted him in my life but now. But I also know that he's not that bad. He just likes to do whatever he wants which sometimes I do not agree then that's when we argue or leads to fighting. Thanks again for ur thoughts and for reading this...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Fitgirl said:


> Hi. Yes I am Asian, (28) and he is American. I met him 9 yrs ago when he was assigned to work here in my country. He is very fit and handsome for his age (48) and where I live people thinks white guys are like celebrity so when he walks around they think that he really is a celebrity and I think he takes advantage of it sometimes. So you see when my fellow country guys are hitting on me like for example at the gym he would insult them like saying ugly and have small penis, etc. and it's true I hate to admit this but my opinions don't matter to him. He thinks that I am just a child. It's pathetic! I never doubted him in my life but now. But I also know that he's not that bad. He just likes to do whatever he wants which sometimes I do not agree then that's when we argue or leads to fighting. Thanks again for ur thoughts and for reading this...



As I was reading this thread I thought:
1. Yes, his body his right.
2. A good relationship includes excellent communication. This means you do not have a good relationship because he made a big decision without your input. That's a red flag, disconnected relationship. If a woman had an abortion and didn't tell her husband, I would think the same thing, what's going on in their relationship that she wouldn't talk it over with her husband? Why are they hiding things from each other? Where is the trust?

But then I saw your latest comment and I think your husband is completely disconnected from you, he does not respect you, and he thinks the "rules" of marriage (trust, intimacy, honesty, sharing) do not apply to him. Why does he think this? And... what does this mean for your marriage?

You say you're having huge fights about this. You're furious and he is furious right back. You're both standing your ground. Good. 

I do think your H is having an affair. I think the fact that your relationship seems to be one of a power differential in which he is the adult who makes decisions and you are the child who must go along with those decisions, most likely means that he sees nothing wrong with him having relationships with other women. If your husband doesn't respect you as an adult partner in this relationship there is little to keep him faithful particularly during his long absences. 

Frankly, I'd wonder if he has other wives out there.... He seems self centered enough to rationalize it in his own mind.

You're going to have to do some major snooping and evidence gathering without him finding out. You cannot let him find out you are snooping.


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## Fitgirl (Jul 30, 2015)

Thank you guys for kind words, advices and thoughts. OK Update: So I checked my Husband's phone today, (I just found out the password) I saw texts from 2 girls. (Early 20s) They were talking about sex, and one day meet! These girls are sending him pictures of their breast and v***** And he was telling them that he is separated and that told them about how he's going to pound them for hours???? Sigh!! I haven't confronted him yet. I'm hurt. I'm shocked!! I never doubted my husband regardless how bad things were he just isnt this type of a man at least he wasnt. This is all new to me. I will never seem to trust him again! He always tells me he loves me but Why would he do this stupid things? My Questions: When do I confront him about this? I haven't gone through his laptop yet. I plan to do it next asap! Im at a loss don't know what to do. I'm nervous... I'm crying as I type this!!!!! This all started from him getting vasectomy done without telling and now I found out things like this ugh I'm sooooo confused!!! I cannot look him in the eye!!! 
Thank you for reading and thanks in advance.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Hi Fitgirl. I'm so sorry for what you've discovered. No insult to you but your husband sounds like an arrogant a**. I'd kick his butt out. You deserve better. 

I'm curious as to what country y'all are in as things are seen differently in different cultures. But in the USA...like others said. You were a team and he should've discussed it with you. But it's plainly obvious now why he didn't. Be strong.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Don't do anything yet. Don't say anything either. Do your best to act naturally toward him. Until you have gone through his lap top and discovered what evidence might be there you should just be normal.

Go make a thread in the CWI section where you will get better advice on evidence gathering and confronting.

As it stands now, how do you think you want to approach this? Do you think you might want to reconcile or do you think this marriage is over? IMO, based on your husbands sense of entitlement, I don't think you're going to get much contrition from him. I think he is likely to blame you and not take any responsibility. I also don't see how you can save this marriage while he works a job that keeps him away more often than he is home. I think your marriage is pretty much over because it will not ever recover the level of trust and honesty needed to be fully intimate and connected. You will always mistrust him and he will still be working a job that separates him from you more than 50% of the time.

I'm sorry.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Don't do anything yet. Don't say anything either. Do your best to act naturally toward him. Until you have gone through his lap top and discovered what evidence might be there you should just be normal.
> 
> Go make a thread in the CWI section where you will get better advice on evidence gathering and confronting.
> 
> ...


This is dead on advice & I'm sorry too.
Sadly this has probably been going on longer than you think and his overwhelming fear of getting one of his "women" pregnant is what prompted his vasectomy. You will never trust him again, especially in the fact that he is always gone. You deserve better and are more than young enough and sweet enough to find it.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Idun said:


> A vasectomy is not at all comparable to an abortion. It could at best be compared to a woman having her tubes tied (although a woman goes through much more risk, pain and long term effects from her surgery).


Ain't going to start a thread-jack, but don't be so sure about this.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Hate say "told you so". Fitgirl, but yeah. Time to move on.


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## Fitgirl (Jul 30, 2015)

Last night he asked me if I was crying (my eyes are swollen)and he thought maybe because of the Vasectomy again so he told me to get over it. I did not say anything, I tried not to say anything I might burst out crying and i'm really trying not to confront him right now although I have to move asap before he leaves in 10 days for work. I invited my IT friend to come over to my house so he can open my husbands laptop, he is going diving with his friends tomorrow so most likely he's not gonna be home all day and then I can start going through his laptop. I felt like a crazy woman going through his phone and now computer, i've never done this before, I've always respect his privacy! My heart is pounding,I felt so weak. I know this is wrong but I need to do this,all the people here on this site and the people in real life is telling me the same thing including my sister! I will update again after I go through his computer. Right now i'm so hurt and also angry at him I don't even know how to confront him or talk to him about this in a nice way. I want to scream at his face but that is not me!!! Thank you all so much for reading and advice. I'll be back.........


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## Fitgirl (Jul 30, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> Don't do anything yet. Don't say anything either. Do your best to act naturally toward him. Until you have gone through his lap top and discovered what evidence might be there you should just be normal.
> 
> Go make a thread in the CWI section where you will get better advice on evidence gathering and confronting.
> 
> do you think this marriage is over?.


Ive been trying to act normal but can't stop crying and he just thought because of the vasectomy.
I will come back once I go through his computer and start another thread. I'm very scared of what is going to happen as my family are a little conservative and do not believe in divorce and I love this man so much. But I guess to love is to let go.......... So confused I hate this situation, so not ready for this I want to dieeeeeeee. I really think my marraige is over!!!! Thank you so much for your kind words and advice


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I'm sure your head is spinning and spinning and spinning. Excellent work on lining up and IT friend to go through his computer. Your best bet is to copy everything incriminating onto a thumb drive. That way you have the proof at your finger tips. 

Depending on what you find, and you might not find anything, you could approach this in the hopes that he comes completely clean and agrees to certain stipulations in order to reconcile, or you could simply take your proof, take half of his money and tell him to jump off a cliff.

I know you love him, but marriage takes work, a lot of work and in order to do that work you have to be physically present. He is not physically present. He is married but living a single life. This is not a situation that lends itself to keeping a marriage on track let alone reconciling through something as serious as infidelity. So keep that in mind as you think about what stipulations to put in place in order to reconcile.

Your family will either support you or they won't, but this isn't THEIR marriage and this isn't THEIR decision. You do what you think is best for you and for your son.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I'm sorry fit girl. You deserve so much better. Your husband should love and cherish you. 

Good luck.


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

If I were you I would get checked for an STD.

The situation is terrible, but you are fortunate that while he is away, you can leave. If you are willing to do so.

I don't know what the laws are like in your country, so make sure you get as much evidence of his infidelity as you can - screenshots of his phone messages, logs, everything.

Sad to say, but I knew he wasn't playing chess - his jealous reactions are a classic misdirection to keep the spotlight off of him. You're doing really well by not saying anything - I confronted my wife about something I found and she clammed up and changed all her passwords, and to this day I don't feel like I know the whole story. So get as much as you can before he leaves, and then just don't be there when he gets back.


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