# H won't help at home and gets mad when I ask



## Griff123 (Jan 18, 2010)

I read some other posts about housework and I have already tried all of that and more, I've made lists 50/50, asked him to make his own list, asked sweetly millions of times, nagged millions of times and asked him what it would take for him to help (supportive and ears wide open and not during an argument) trying to engage him to help come up with a solution that works for him. We've been married 7 yrs, 2 young boys at home with us and 2 older children that come home on the weekends, summer and holidays. I love him very much and I'm committed to making this marriage work. I have been at home full time and I've worked full time but the housework situation never changes, I end up doing it all and it is really making me miserable, resentful, angry and distant. I'm not a neat freak but there are often 4 kids around and there are standards; clean dishes, clothes, floors and people. H leaves his mess around everywhere, dishes, clothes, trash, tools and when I ask him to clean up after himself he gets mad at me for asking. He says I am not out of line, I shouldn't have to pick up after him like one of the kids but that is all we agree on. He's classic passive/agressive for sure. I think he's lazy and he probably thinks I'm crazy but this is turning into a marriage #1 rerun for me. We can't afford the expense of counseling but we can't afford a divorce either.....


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Have you tried just not doing it? Not washing his clothes (he'll have to unless he just wants to wear dirty clothes) etc. I know that you have standards...but maybe he needs the shock treatment.


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## Griff123 (Jan 18, 2010)

Yep, tried that one too.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

For how long?


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## Griff123 (Jan 18, 2010)

About a year when I worked full time.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

He wore dirty clothes for a year! That would have to be the laziest person I"ve ever heard of. Tell him your taking the kids and move out...maybe you have a friend or relative that will let you stay for a bit? Tell him your just not going to live like that any longer.


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## Griff123 (Jan 18, 2010)

He did the bare minimum for over a year, so wearing dirty clothes for a couple of days, he doesn't work in an office thankfully. His personal habits are the same btw.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

If you're both working, can you afford a maid service?


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## Griff123 (Jan 18, 2010)

I lost my job last May so I can't afford the service. I am not a high maint. girl btw, I don't go to the salon, never get my nails done, no shopping and I agree that until I get back to work I will do housework, take care of the kids, cook, etc.... He treats me like his personal maid and that is the problem really. I have told him that EVERYDAY I do at least one thing to show him I love and appreciate him, I have nicely asked him to do the same, that it would mean so much to me, he says he will but nothing happens. I know this seems small to a lot of people but it really boils down to lack of respect and appreciation which is what we all need in a relationship.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

This is what I would do:

Forget about it.

You've tried everything like you said. Stop trying to get him to do the housework because it's not going to happen. Accept it.

Do the best you can with the housework and what doesn't get done doesn't get done. It's not the end of the world. 

Then reward yourself for a job well done with something you want for yourself. Stop spending so much energy on him and focus on yourself. Go and get your nails done and hair done if that's what you want. Appreciate yourself and thank yourself.

I think your husband feels disrespected and that is why he resists helping you. If you take the pressure off of him, maybe he'll come around on his own. Either way, treat yourself well while you are waiting.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

themrs said:


> This is what I would do:
> 
> Forget about it.
> 
> ...



:iagree:

This is exactly right. 

The respect is not there, until this changes, the help around the house will not happen.

There is lack of respect all around actually, and this is the disease caused by resentment, and these issues of cleanliness and helping around the house are merely the symptoms. 

A man that doesn't respect himself or his house to keep both clean and presentable, a woman that doesn't respect her man, or herself, enough to go to the salon every so often to show her man that she is both desirable and worth pursuing.

Sadly this is the classic "spiral of resentment".

Fix the disease of resentment and lack of respect, and these other symptoms (cleanliness, hygiene, etc) will fall into place.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

> A man that doesn't respect himself or his house to keep both clean and presentable, a woman that doesn't respect her man, or herself, enough to go to the salon every so often to show her man that she is both desirable and worth pursuing.


:iagree:



Griff123 said:


> I lost my job last May so I can't afford the service...... I don't go to the salon, never get my nails done, no shopping and I agree that until I get back to work I will do housework, take care of the kids, cook, etc.... He treats me like his personal maid and that is the problem really.


You just explained the situation perfectly with that phrase.
You don't work, you don't groom yourself as well as you should. Leaving aside the kids....which are for both of you to raise, what exactly are you doing for your husband at this point? Cooking and cleaning, right? Not trying to be mean...but you ARE acting like his personal maid...so what is it that you are doing for him to see you otherwise?

I'd actually cut down on the cooking and cleaning a bit, hit the salon, take care of myself physically and mentally much better. I'm willing to bet that a husband would be much happier to have to clean and cook himself once in a while,(but have a smart, flirty, beautiful and considerate wife)....then have a wife who does all the chores, but lets herself go.


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