# My husband hates my son - wants me to choose between them.



## jules

I am new to this site - and hope to get some advise / support. I have been with my husband for 9 years, married for 4. I have 3 sons (21,18 and 17) from a prior marriage and my husband has a daughter (15 and autistic). My problem is this. When my husband and I began dating and then living together after about a year - my oldest son was 13 and very angry about my divorce from his father. Not that they had a good relationship, it was more the fact that there was a new male father figure coming into our lives and frankly, our style of dicipline changed for he kids. In my previous marriage, my ex-husband and I fought constantly and so as a result, the boys argued and fought with us and each other. The boys were very unruly and dis-respectful when my current husband came into our lives. My oldest son, being he age he was - never really bonded with my husband....he was just angry and rebellious the majority of the time. My husband tried to do special things with him, concerts, etc., but they still had a very voilatile relationship....with me always jumping in the middle to try and keep the peace. When my oldest son was 17 - things were becoming even more difficult and my husband (we were married a year by then) stated that once my son graduated from high school, he needed to have a plan - college or the military. My son chose the military and enlisted in the Coast Guard at 17....I know it was his way of getting out of the house and a way to get college paid for. Anyway, he made this choice - clearly being too young - and for the wrong reasons. It did not work and he was very upset during boot camp - and after some counselling, was given a general discharge after about 6 weeks of boot camp. He came back home....which my husband was frankly NOT pleased about. My son decided that he would move out on his 18th birthday...which was just a couple of months. To say the least, those couple of months were pretty much a nightmare. My husband can be very vocal and opinionated - and since he did not especially like my son because of all of their past.....he critisized my son about everything he did, said, the clothes he wore, the friends he had, etc. My husband did not hold back in the slightest in making sure we all know how disappointed he was that my son had quit the Coast Guard and what a loser he thought my son was. My son had gotten his job back on his return and was planning on moving out...in just over a month. 

Everything came to a huge head one night when my son came home after an evening out with friends. He walked in he door with a home stereo system under his arm that he had just purchased. My husband made some comment about there you go again spending your money when you should be saving it. My son replied rather colorfully that it was none of my husband's business what he spent his money on especially because he was moving out soon. The argument became heated as always - and my son asked my husband to step outside. Of course, I followed trying to break up the argument. My husband was in my son's face and put his hand on my son's chest to push him not hard - a nudge, but clearly to try to inforce who was boss. My son - pulled out his pocket knife, openned the blade and pointed it at my husband and told him to step back. ....... Thats when I stepped in between them, frantic, scared that the situation would escalate to someone getting seriously hurt. Both of them were so angry, my husband especially. I told my son to call a friend to spend the night somewhere - hoping that a cooling off period would help. My husband left the house the next morning, stating he would not come back until my son had moved out. My son moved out by the end of the week - 3 weeks before his 18th birthday.

This was 3.5 years ago. Since then, what started as my son only being allowed into our house when my husband was away on business - has now escalated to my husband laying down the law that my son is NEVER allowed in our home, he cannot call - even my cell phone.....and my husband has a fit if his name is even mentioned. My two younger sons actually have a pretty good relationship with my husband. There only complaint is that he can be strict.......but they are good young men, they do great in school and the four of us (plus his daughter every other weekend get along great).

So, after all of that history ---- here is my problem. Two months ago, my oldest son who is now 21 and has nearly finished his associates degree in business ....enlisted in the National Guard. He has always lived in the same town as we do, but is not involved in immediate family functions at our home because of my husband's feelings. For Holidays and birthdays, we always plan get togethers at my son's apartment....and we always plan these when my husband is out of town on business. If my husband is home, like over Christmas - any visit or conversation I have with my son over the phone usually results in harsh words from him towards me....and then 24 hours of the silent treatment....sometimes longer. When my husband found out that my son had enlisted in the National Guard, he said that he thought it was time he contacted my son to try and make an attempt to reconcile. My husband said he could not live with his concience if my son were deployed to Iraq and they had not reconciled. My husband called him on the phone the night before he left for boot camp, offered words of support, and told my son that he hoped this would be a start to their reconciling. He told my son that he cared for him and that if he could finish boot camp, things would be different. My son was in tears.....he has apolgized over the phone to my husband in person immediately after the fight and another time over the phone - when my husband said he was ready to talk. My husband and I have even been to counselling over the issue - in hopes that the therapist could help him get over his anger towards my son. The first time my son called from boot camp - I could see my husbands opinion reverting back to his previous hatred of my son. When my son came home on scheduled break over Christmas.....my husband was back to the same old thing....don't say his name, but he did "allow" me to make plans to have a gift exchange at my son's apartment. I confronted my husband about his change of heart.....and he has no explanation. It almost seems as if my husband views my son as the "other man" so to speak. My son was home for 15 days....I got to see him 3 times....for a total of about 5 hours the entire break. My son has returned to boot camp and just called home (which my husband originally said would be fine when he left for boot camp) last night.....and after my 5 minute phone call, my husband informs me that he is unhappy in our relationship and will never be happy as long as my son is in my life. 

What kind of statement is that......how is a mother supposed to respond to that? I have, for 9 years, helped take care of his autistic daughter, feeding her, bathing her, taking care of all her personal hygene needs..(she is as big as I am)......and I do it becase I love my husband and I understand how important she is to him. My husband will admit that he is a different person now than he was when my oldest son lived with us earlier on in our relationship. He will be the first to admit that he made mistakes in dealing with him.....and that he should never have stepped outside when my 17 year old (at the time) challengd him. My son has also grown up, had a few hard lessons to learn in the first year after he moved out, but learned those lessons, got himself out of trouble....went to college and paid his own way, and is a kind, respectful young man. My son has said that he would not be the person he is today if it weren't for my husband. I am very proud of him. 

So, here I am, a 48 year old woman....felling more like 60. I miss having my son in my life. My two younger sons miss having their brother in their lives.....for family dinners, Holidays, etc. Soon there will be graduations, grand children, and other life changing events like death of parents....etc. I have asked my husband so many times how we will deal with these events.....when he cannot even stand to hear my son's name. He doesn't have an answer. I feel like he is playing this game with me....and this time, he is trying to force me to make a choice between them. Funny, my son has never asked meto choose.....he has admited that he was a jerk at 17 and is sorry for the final incident that brought us to this place in our lives. 

If I have to make a choice, I know which one to make......I guess I jus need some support from others.


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## Blanca

It sounds like your H is being the childish one in this situation. I think he's pinning all his discontentment on your son. After everything you have done for his daughter, I think he is being very selfish.


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## MsStacy

Absolutely, NO DOUBT ABOUT IT, choose your son! Sit down and tell your husband that unless he starts accepting your son into your lives, you will leave. There is no way on God's green earth I would allow anyone to alienate me from my children as your husband has done. They both made mistakes, and I know children, especially teenage boys, can be difficult. But your husband is the adult, the man in the family, and supposed to be the hero. Not only has he taken your son away, but he has taken a brother away from your other two children. ABSOLUTELY NOT ACCEPTABLE! 

As I said, I would sit him down and very firmly tell him how things are going to be from here on out. NO ONE would ever tell me my son couldn't call me...even on the cell phone? NO! 

I'm sorry, I don't want to be harsh on you. I'm not in your shoes and I have not lived in your situation. But either husband backs off and accepts your son as your family or he has to go!


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## jules

Thank you both...MsStacy and ljtseng. I think my husband and I are at a crossroads. I did tell him last night that I have done all that I am willing to do.....by trying to keep my relationship with my son separate.....but nothing is enough. It's time to take a stand, I know......If I don't, I will be missing out on much joy in my life. My children are so important to me. I feel guilty for letting this situation go on for so long. I have held on to the hope that my husband would come around.....but now, after these most recent events, I know that he just controlling, jealous and selfish. Thank you for your support.


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## Blanca

It really sounds like your H is just using your son as a scapegoat. I dont think a lot of the discontentment in the relationship has to do with your son. is there something else bothering him? did the counseling help? are you two still going?


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## jules

I wonder the same thing. My husband does have some health concerns that he has difficulty accepting. I think that he is depressed and I told him I think he should talk to someone professionally about the fact that he is dissatisfied with his life. I agree that he is using my son as a scapegoat - its easy to point the finger at someone else as the cause of all of your problems....rather than taking responsibility yourself. As for the counselling, we went for 3 months. The therapist said tried to help my husband deal with his anger about my son. Finally, my husband asked the therapist to tell him what to do about his feelings towards my son..but when she told him that she felt he would only argue with her opinion.......and that he needed to look inside himself for the answer. She also said that it may become necessary for him to make a sacrifice if he cared enough for me. Thats when he refused to go back to see the therapist. He told me after the last session that he still felt he was in the right because the therapist refused to flat out tell him he was wrong to alienate my son from our lives.


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## Blanca

some counselors can rub people the wrong way, or tell them things they arent ready to hear. do you think he'd be willing to go to a different one?


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## draconis

your child should never come second, invite him over and if the husband has issue he knows where the door is.

draconis


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## MsStacy

:iagree:


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## jules

Thank you all so much for your support. I have been close to being at this crossroad before - but have not had the courage to make a stand. I know now that I must. It would make it so much easier if my husband and I had other problems in our relationship. But we don't. I guess thats why it is so difficult for me to understand why he can't at least be tolerable of my son. People work with people in their jobs all the time that they dislike, but they still have to be tolerate each other and be civil and polite. But with my husband he seems to think its his way or the highway......well, then it will have to be the highway. I love my children, I want to be able to share with them - all the joys of their lives like marriage, children, etc....without always having to worry that my husband will be upset that I am spending time with them. His negative feelings that he voices so often are a dark cloud hanging over all of us that ends up spoiling every occasion that should be special. Enough is enough.....life is too short! Thanks again for everyone's support.


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## GAsoccerman

agreed children always come first.

Comming from a child that came second.


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## swedish

I'll send you a private message.


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## humpty dumpty

Children always should come first !!.
If your husband cant see that then show him the door


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## GPR

Son first...

Tell the husband to get on board or GTF out...


/thread


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## MsLady

It breaks my heart what you son has gone through. He was just a boy when he had to deal with divorce, which is so hard. It's understandable that he had some problems and was not totally welcoming of the new husband. He was the child. Your husband was the adult. You have both failed that child miserably. Your husband has emotionally abused him and you have let him. Don't let yourself off the hook here. You were and are his mother and you should've been a momma bear from day one. Not let this A-hole come into your house and treat your already suffering child this way. What were you thinking??!!!! I'm not trying to beat you up here, but I think you are failing to take responsiblity for your huge role in all of this and putting hubby as the only 'bad guy' in this story. This isn't so you are consumed with guilt, but so that you understand the role that you should've played ... and the one that you still should play.

Take a stance. Tell your husband that you son is important to you. That he will be in your life. He will come by, he will participate in all family events, he will be supported and loved by you. Tell him he will treat your son with respect and acceptance. And that, if he engages in hostility or verbal abuse toward the boy, the will need to get OUT!!!!!

The fact that he teased him with a reconciliation was the cruelest of all. I know you said you don't have other problems with your H ... but, really, you need more??


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## GPR

MsLady said:


> It breaks my heart what you son has gone through. He was just a boy when he had to deal with divorce, which is so hard. It's understandable that he had some problems and was not totally welcoming of the new husband. He was the child. Your husband was the adult. You have both failed that child miserably. Your husband has emotionally abused him and you have let him. Don't let yourself off the hook here. You were and are his mother and you should've been a momma bear from day one. Not let this A-hole come into your house and treat your already suffering child this way. What were you thinking??!!!! I'm not trying to beat you up here, but I think you are failing to take responsiblity for your huge role in all of this and putting hubby as the only 'bad guy' in this story. This isn't so you are consumed with guilt, but so that you understand the role that you should've played ... and the one that you still should play.
> 
> Take a stance. Tell your husband that you son is important to you. That he will be in your life. He will come by, he will participate in all family events, he will be supported and loved by you. Tell him he will treat your son with respect and acceptance. And that, if he engages in hostility or verbal abuse toward the boy, the will need to get OUT!!!!!
> 
> The fact that he teased him with a reconciliation was the cruelest of all. I know you said you don't have other problems with your H ... but, really, you need more??










Very well said


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## jules

Ms Lady:

You are right. I first blame myself for letting things get to this point. Over Christmas this year I - after the disappointment that my husband was not serious about reconciling - I gave him an ultimatum. At the time he said he would try.....but he never really gives it a heartfelt try. He said again that my son could begin by calling and he would not stop me from having a relationship with him --- and that we could work towards a reconcilliation. But the first time my son called - it was the same as always. I know now that it will never happen. But you are right - I am really the one that takes responsiblity for all of this. I told my husband the same thing over the Holidays - that I never should have let things get to this point. I guess I just hoped that given time, things would change. But I realize that all I was doing was avoiding a confrontation with my husband - and putting my son's feelings in second place. I have tried to always be there for my son over the past few years - but I know that nothing can make up for the way I left him abandondoned. I wish I could turn back time - but I can't. I feel horrible and I say that my heart is broken....but it was me who did it.....and I need to make this right. Thank you MsLady for calling me on this. If I am going to fix this, I must be honest with myself and my son. Thank you


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## onlylonelyone

Just curious how Mom's get in this situation and don't know what to do??? I would think that Mommy chip in your brain would kick right in and kick him right out.......


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## zwilson50

jules said:


> She also said that it may become necessary for him to make a sacrifice if he cared enough for me. Thats when he refused to go back to see the therapist.


That statement you wrote there should tell you where you stand. You husband is a petulant child and I can't see how you have dealt with it all these years. I find myself wanting to kick his ass and I don't even know the guy. If I feel that way by reading your posts, the reality must be worse.

Sounds like your sons are on track to be upstanding men. Keep guiding them in their lives and deal with youir H accordingly. I am shaking my head in amazement while I write this.


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## annm777

MsLady said:


> It breaks my heart what you son has gone through. He was just a boy when he had to deal with divorce, which is so hard. It's understandable that he had some problems and was not totally welcoming of the new husband. He was the child. Your husband was the adult. You have both failed that child miserably. Your husband has emotionally abused him and you have let him. Don't let yourself off the hook here. You were and are his mother and you should've been a momma bear from day one. Not let this A-hole come into your house and treat your already suffering child this way. What were you thinking??!!!! I'm not trying to beat you up here, but I think you are failing to take responsiblity for your huge role in all of this and putting hubby as the only 'bad guy' in this story. This isn't so you are consumed with guilt, but so that you understand the role that you should've played ... and the one that you still should play.
> 
> Take a stance. Tell your husband that you son is important to you. That he will be in your life. He will come by, he will participate in all family events, he will be supported and loved by you. Tell him he will treat your son with respect and acceptance. And that, if he engages in hostility or verbal abuse toward the boy, the will need to get OUT!!!!!
> 
> The fact that he teased him with a reconciliation was the cruelest of all. I know you said you don't have other problems with your H ... but, really, you need more??



I absolutely agree with you. Poor lad, he was crying out for a bit of love and understanding. (Don't be too harsh on mum here though, as it is damn hard been in the middle and trying to be the peacemaker). How could that man be so cold and cruel to a needy child. What a psychological bully! It is also damn nasty of him to put mum in such a tricky position, she must have been going through torment - poor lady.

I hope she has made the right choice - and put herself and her son first.


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## MrsSchaffer

From the beginning I could see what was going to happen in the long run. Your husband is being selfish and childish. He is controlling your life more and more each day and he needs to get over it. Your children should come first. If you choose your husband over your child I feel sorry for your children. You are their mother, what is your son going to think about women later in life when he sees how your husband treats you?


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## Sandy55

I have a dh who hated my daughter, she was from a previous marriage. 

It isn't all you, it is him, and yes we do need to stand up against these men who act in jealousy and spite; we are supposed to protect our children, but the dynamics of each situation - well, am not making excuses, but just want you to understand, you likely did the best you could at the time. KWIM? 

Starting a marriage with THREE sons from a previous relationship is a hard "row to hoe". But once you are in it, it is lonely and hard to figure out what the heck to do about it. I know, I was there. My dh acted just like you describe.

I had two small children by my dh by the time his deep hatred of her became full blown I thought it would pass, (she hit her early teens) that I tried to find a private high school to send her away to, I was SO upset and beside myself trying to protect her from his ire.

I DO think you need to make a stand and not let him refuse your son access to you. My dh never went that far; my daughter and I are tight and I think somehow he knew that would be the last straw.

I think you need to draw the line in the sand. Your dh IS being very unreasonable.

I'd tell him, ds was immature and young for acting the way he USED to act; 'What is YOUR excuse for continuing to be this way, it is time YOU grew up or I am leaving".

Am SURE you have a son or two who will stand solidly behind you.

Your dh is being a royal jerk.

My dh FINALLY came around and now he and my dd do rather well together, not perfect but he watches her kids for her if she has to run to the grocery and when she was hospitalized for brain cancer, he REALLY stepped up to the plate and realized how stupid he was for having been such an ass all her formative teen years.

It was hard...I know how you feel. Hang tough, show your sons who they have a mom who has balls and knows right from wrong. It is NOT too late, either.


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## TabbyCat

The past is over and can't be changed, everyone is grown now. Your husband has some issues or he would have never apologized to your son, and then continued to be a jerk. Your son grew up, and did some positive things.

This is really about you. Stand up for yourself. Believe me he does not want things to end. You are the one who takes care of his daughter. It's easy to just go to work and let someone esle take care of the really tough stuff. A divorce would really hurt the pocketbook. You have all the power. Don't waste anymore time. You are emotionally exhausted after so many years of this.

Maybe reading some self-help books for starters, get strong. Maybe seek a counselor.


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## preso

After 18 they are not children anymore. 
I think your husband wants to know when your 17 year old turns 18... if you are done parenting or want to
continue on as is... if you do, sounds like he's going to leave.

you only have one child, ( others are adults or adult children) 

with the 17 year old and that will end when he is 18 as he will be an adult. Hopefully you have prepared your last child well... or you could end up divorced with a adult child or two living with you, who drain you and prevent you from living your life.

maybe not what you want to hear but thats how it is for many. I am also a step parent and I expect my husbands responsibility to his kids to be over when they become adults and he will treat them as such. He owes them no more than providing for them in childhood and when they turn of legal age, the relationship changes to one of adults... not parent/ child.

when children are old enough to work, vote, enter into legal contracts, they are no longer children, they are adults and should be out there int he world, making a living. 
Both my husband and I left home at 18, his kids will not be provided for after 18 as we did it and so can they. The economy was also bad for us... and we not only survived, we grew up.
His daughter is now 19 and she cries she has to work so hard...
that is her choice as she could have started college in high school but didn';t want to and she does not want to go into the service, she does not want to do anything for herself...
so she will have to sleep in her bed that she makes.

We had it hard to and like we tell her, the military is hiring, she is able bodied... she can go in like we did.


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## peggy

I just cried and cried when I read about your situation. I am in the same boat. My son is also 21, and a good kid. Never smoked, drank or did drugs. Is immensely talented, got a music scholarship. Spent a year at our church volunteering and playing in the church band, even though his car was boken down and he had to ride his bike 10 miles in over 100 degree weather during that summer (we live in the southwest) to get to the church, and was also working full-time and out on his own. But no matter what he does, he can do no right in my husband's eyes. I am also considering leaving.


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## Frankly46

I have A similar Problem but it is My wife, we tried to blend together 7 kids from age 14-22 of the ones left at home there were her two girls 14-16 and my two 16-17 one of her kids and one of mine were both girls and the same age and they did not like each other from the beginning and when we met and married we lived in to separate cities and we tried this for a year trying not to move any of the kids out of there schools, well it came to pass that my wife called one day and said if I did not move to her city she was filing for divorce, not wanting that and the fact she would not consider moving I took my kids out of there school and moved them during the middle of there 10th and 11th grade year because I did not want another failed marriage. When we moved into my wife's house things went down hill from there none of the kids got along and did not even try to get along and that made my wife and I fight and everyone was miserable, there was so much anger in the house it was about to explode, and other things like she would tell me that my kids were doing all these things while I was at work, oh yeah I was driving 200 miles a day back and forth to work and always had some kind of mess to deal with when I got home we had no private bedroom we sleep in the den with no door and right next to her youngest bedroom it was hard to have sex or be romantic because she could here everything we did, not to mention I had to leave for work at 5:00 every morning and her kids did not have a bed time and were up til midnight or 1:00 every day it was hard for me too sleep and she basically told me tough when I tried to go to bed and ask them to please be quite. so after a year of living like that I decided to move out and get a house for me and my children and my wife threw a fit but i could not live like we were living any longer, so we moved out and all along I never wanted a divorce just some peace and I guess I thought that the kids would be leaving in a year or so and maybe they would grow up and except our marriage, but time has gone by and we have grown apart because my wife continued to me mean to my kids mostly my youngest daughter she blames her for me moving out! I just wanted everyone to be happy and to get along and not live in a house full of screaming, yelling and strife. now my wife has decided to get a divorce which I do not really want but I do not know how to fix the problem between my wife and daughter, my wife talks awful about my daughter and it bothers me, I love my wife and do not want another divorce but I also did not want my daughter to feel like that I had thrown her away for my wife, she already feels that way about her own mom. what do I do, how do I choose my kids or my wife? do I fight for my relationship with my wife or do I just let it go for fear that nothing will change? I am 46 and do not have the energy for another relationship I feel trapped between the two and I love them both, Help me. also now my wife has a new friend, his pick up is always at her house but she says they are just friends.


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## karilynn

I am so sorry for you. I am in the same situation except my husband is the aggressor towards my 19 year old daughter. They are the adults, they are the ones who should be holding out the reconcilatory branches here, not the kids!!! It is just plain ridiculous. 
My daughter is leaving for the Army next week. I have already made the decision that I too am leaving....I just don't know when or how yet. I am lucky that I can support myself but he will make it very hard. I don't care because its not fair to my daughter to have to deal with his abuse and that IS what it amounts too. It is my responsibility to take care of her. 
Good luck to you also.


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## Frankly46

Thanks and good luck to you, right now I feel lost, My daughter graduates High school in may and will be off to college I will be off too, just don't know where I am off too, I gave up my home and moved for this woman have no place to go, I feel Homeless.


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## xxskyxx

I have a similar problem. When I meet my boyfriend 5 years ago he was a great father figure, he repaired allot of damage that my abusive husband had caused with my two sons. 
Things changed when he had access problem seeing his little boy from a previous relationship, I can remember him being very depressed and we spent allot of money going through the courts to get access to see his son.
My eldest son was 10 at the time and my other son was 5. My boyfriend withdrew from the family and didn’t want to know anything about the children for a year. I fear in this time of trouble my sons felt rejected. I tried to explain to them what was happening with my boyfriend present. My eldest son was none responsive he wouldn’t understand why he just couldn’t deal with it as we just get on with things in our life’s and look at the good in things. He couldn’t see all the good that my boyfriend had done for him and us as a family in fact he just turned on him and spent most of his time of thinking of ways to get him out of the house. 
When everything calmed down and my boyfriend got access he spent all his time with his son (all 5 hours at weekend) consumed with his son and left my children out still. I explained to him that he must show my children affection as well because they don’t understand what’s happening. He said that for the previous two year my eldest son had been horrible to him and has no respect so why should he give him respect. 
We moved to a new house and the stress got worse my boyfriend almost felt threatened by my son now 13 and when they were in a heated argument I felt the need to step in and explain and send my son out of the room. I would say calm down then speak to him about what has happened and why you are not pleased, do not let him fight with you. These sessions got worse when I lost my job and my boyfriend had a nasty accident at work where his best friend died. He couldn’t cope with all this and left me saying he couldn’t cope with my kids they were a nightmare and I just was worse undermining him all the time. I had fears of them killing each other because when my boyfriend was under stress he would kick a hole in a door or smash up cupboards. This was the case in his last relationship when he was under stress he would trash things in his own home. I didn’t know this at the time I thought it was just because his previous girl friend was a nightmare and still is. After he left my son said good it’s taken me 3 years to get him out the house, and I don’t have to worry about you going out now whenever you want I have to too myself. Unfortunately he said this in front of my boyfriend and my boyfriends reminds me of it when we have an argument. 
We got back together once he was off anti depressants and I got employment. This is when I started to notice strange actions my boyfriend would compulsive buy talk about weird inventions be in massive happy moods, so loving to everyone that it was difficult to understand. High demands on our sex life. Then it was as if he would hit rock bottom he would hide behind his computer,sleeping for hours on end, go off his food, not wanting to go to work or out thinking I hated him and everyone around him was out to get him. This always ended in a massive outburst where something would get broken in the house, saying I put him on guilt trips all the time. My son still wanted was him out the house now more than ever as my boyfriend’s moods swings were getting worse. 
For the last 8 months he has been fine until I lost my job 4 weeks ago he kept saying I was depressed but I said I wasn’t I even went to my doctors and he confirmed I was run down but not depressed. I spoke to my boyfriend and say maybe he was stressed. He went into a massive hyper mood all good doing loads of jobs around the house expressing his love even though the eldest son thought he is an idiot and was still being mouthy and anti everything my boyfriend did. 
This weekend my boyfriend left me again saying it’s my entire fault I should have taken an upper hand to my son and taken all his items away from him and not just ground him when he misbehaved. Not making him feel special just because he has good grades. My son is abusive to anyone that is weak or a male he has no trust in anyone but myself and his grandparents, he has been like this from the age of 3. Now my youngest son is following in his footsteps.
I think my son was jealous and I think my boyfriend is suffering from deep depression but he will not see a doctor he says it’s because of me and the children he’s depressed.
I would say 80% of the time with my boyfriend in that last 5 years have been so much fun and happy and really loving. 
I do feel I cannot put up with these violent outbursts. It may not be a cupboard next time it could be my son.
How can I explain to my boyfriend that I love him so much and that I was only trying to do the best for everyone?
Thank you for listening to my story I know it’s a little long but I need to get it off my chest.
SKY x


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## turnera

I would never choose a partner over my child, if that person would not allow my child to be in my life. Never.


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## zbird123

I would love to have an update from the OP to find out what happened since this post... I'm now facing a very similar situation.


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## BUSYBEES

I'm dealing with the same thing well almost.

I have a 19yr old son who lives with me I just bought a home and had always dreamed about it would take my son w/ me to look at homes and promise him his own room some day. My son likes to smoke pot and is currently attending school part time an not working.

I've been dating this great guy who treats me like a queen he loves me so much we are very happy together and he keeps me company. We talked about marriage and having kids together.

My boyfriend stays over my house 4 to 5 times a week he is a hard worker who is up at 4am and comes home at around 3pm my son is sometimes home partying with his friends at first everything was fine my boyfriend would cook for both of them they share laughs and we'd ocassionally all go out together. 

Now my boyfriend is upset that he doesn't feel or will ever feel at "Home" as long as my son is living in MY house. My boyfriend does not pay for any bills or anything other then ocassionaly taking me out to dinner and drinks to a movie just like dating and I pick up my share of dates. But now my boyfriend throws this at me that he only feels comfortable when i'm home as a mediator. I'm not sure what happened to make him react diffrently, maybe his true colors came out. 

It's tearing me apart I love them both but he needs to understand that my son isn't going anywhere he's my blood I brought him into this world he's with me for as long as he wants to be. 

He has a mentally ill mother he lives with I offered that if he ends up moving in his mother is more then welcomed. 

My son does not smoke pot freely he knows how I feel about it I feel it's just a faze and I am giving him time to find work. I come down on him but I feel my boyfriend wants me to come down harder on him. 

My boyfriend smoked pot up untill his 30's he brings home an occasional "brownie" and he drinks at times a bit to much. He acts like a hypocrite asking my son not to drive under the influence but my boyfriend does it ALL the time.


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## BUSYBEES

I do on occassion come down hard on my boyfriend because of his drinking and i feel he wants me to come down on my son in the same way. I feel my son is young and still finding himself, x-president Clinton smoked out olympic gold meadilist Mike Phellps smokes out not that it's acceptable, I'm still against it and I deal with my son my own way i'm not pushing but I will when the time comes.


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## turnera

Sorry but it's your job to expect more from your son than part-time school and no job, at the age of 19. It's very common for single mothers to not push their sons but, be honest with yourself: What are you teaching him by being his friend instead of his mother? 

Not trying to criticize you, but to point out that kids NEED to have high expectations set for them by their parents. Learning to strive to achieve is what sets their foundation for their adulthood. If you don't rethink this, odds are that he will still be living with you, still without a decent income, when he's 30. And still smoking pot (which is very tightly related to apathy and lack of drive).

You come down hard on your boyfriend. What about your son?

If you don't set an example for him by no longer accepting the status quo, he won't do it himself. Especially without a father around.

I have to go with the boyfriend on this one.


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## theotherside

This is an old post, but I will reply anyways. It seems that the dad (who should be the man of the house) is taking all of the "heat" for a once teenage boy that thought HE was his moms husband. For all that care to hear the truth....When you make a man feel like this, the results will tear the whole family apart. Your husband seems to be respected VERY little, so he has to go to the extreem to get his point across. Very sad that women and kids alike dont understand what a REAL family is anymore. I would love to hear an update on how things turnned out. If I were you husband I would have left you years ago, and let you marry your son.


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## theotherside

and btw...I was replying to the original post of this thread. Sorry for any confusions.


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## SUZIWORD

This is an old thread, but I just read through here and can relate to alot of things that were said by all the posters! If you read any of my threads you will know I was a single mother of three boys, who was married during that time to my 2nd husband we married when my kids were 7, 5 and 1 and his daughters were 16 and 10. Together 16 years on and off but it was hard as heck for my boys. He was very strict on them, but his girls walked on water! Fast-forward to three years ago, post-Ike, it was just me and my youngest son home 11th grader. Oldest son married, middle son military. Anyway after the hurricane (which my son and I lost everything we had) we re-build our home and I met a man. He had two kids 10,9. He seemed to get along with my younger son, but we had some issues between us we split up and then we decided to get back together and my youngest son moved out. But, it has been hell and continues to be hell. My children for a lack of better terms hate him. I think he feels the same way not sure. But who is right or wrong. I agree with the fact they are grown and responsible for themselves now and they are for the most part "adults". But, then you look at the flip side and they are your boys and you love them very much and you want to be part of their lives and yes grandbabies come along....during all this time too. So, where does a mother draw the line? B/c she could leave her husband for her boys, but they have their own lives, live in their own homes, go do things with their friends, her family, maybe call you once and awhile, come over on special occassions or if you cook, but hey, can't watch the grandbaby b/c you drink beer sometimes.....but you left your husband b/c they all hated each other! So, who does the giving in? You, them, your family what who?!? What is the RIGHT thing to do. Your whole family is against you, you stay with your husband you lose your family, you pick your family you lose your husband. What the hell?!? I am so tired sometimes I just would love to go to sleep and never wake up again. I think I have it all figured out.....then talk to my mother and bam!!!! It hits me in the face what a screw up I am, how I have put my kids on the back burner for HIM! But when I was separated....did they include me in their lives? Nope! So, really.....I don't know anymore have no clues. I felt like I have prayed and prayed and just don't know! 

But unfortunately I do know this your kids grow up and they move away and start their own lives (which is totally a good thing). I don't get involved in theirs lives. Its like I told my oldest son....I now am an afterthought. Your wife, your baby, your job they all come first. I know you will be there for me if I need you, but you don't think about me when you are making decisions for your life your think about them. I will always be here for you. And as far as I am concerned that is my job as a parent its not their job to please me anymore. My job was to make sure they were taken care of as children, young teens, young men and then out the door. My job was to make sure they could be a productive citizen and grown up. I just wished my own mother felt that away.

I feel like my entire life has been pleasing someone else. Making sure she is happy. B/c as long as momma is happy that is all that matters!

Sorry, I think I needed to vent.


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## tacoma

BUSYBEES said:


> My boyfriend stays over my house 4 to 5 times a week he is a hard worker who is up at 4am and comes home at around 3pm my son is sometimes home partying with his friends at first everything was fine my boyfriend would cook for both of them they share laughs and we'd ocassionally all go out together.


Male to male relationships are based upon mutual respect.

Your boyfriend works hard for his living and seems a pretty responsible type of guy for the most part.

Your son isn`t and from what little you`ve written you seem to be enabling him and have even stated that you will continue to enable him "For as long as he wants" by allowing him a free ride in your home..forever.

What is there for a hard working responsible man to respect in the image of your son?

Your boyfriend isn`t going to go for this relationship if he`s a smart man.

This reply is from a man who is in the position your boyfriend would be in if he were to commit to you.
It`s the worst position I`ve ever been in in my life.


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## whysocry

do you think he'd be willing to go to a different one?


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## Bobby5000

Step parents need patience. I lent my step son money, then some more, and recently had a problem and needed some more. He has progressed and done better but has had some issues. 

You try to look at the positive, and accept some shortcomings. Note that the step-parent is rarely suited to be the disciplinarian. 

You can apologize for your son, tell your husband you appreciate what he's done, but ultimately your husband does not make the rules, and needs to accept your son.


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## tacoma

Bobby5000 said:


> Step parents need patience. I lent my step son money, then some more, and recently had a problem and needed some more. He has progressed and done better but has had some issues.
> 
> You try to look at the positive, and accept some shortcomings. Note that the step-parent is rarely suited to be the disciplinarian.
> 
> You can apologize for your son, tell your husband you appreciate what he's done, but ultimately your husband does not make the rules, and needs to accept your son.


Sorry no.

Nobody threatens me with a knife in my home and gets "accepted".
Just isn't happening.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## South Accountant

I hope that Jules said '' divorce! ''. She has really done a lot.


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## Amplexor

Old Thread


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