# Reciprocity or Something After Oral Sex?



## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Do you expect anything in return after performing oral sex on your partner? I know from reading many posts here that many love to give oral sex and do not expect oral sex in return, but do you get anything in return like a hand job or sex or manual stimulation? Is it ever acceptable for the receiver to fall asleep right afterwards? Are there mitigating factors to make it ok not to reciprocate somehow, like being very tired, or very late.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

I don't expect anything in return. Many times, I like to give her oral until orgasm and just leave it at that. This is usually during the day or early evening. Falling asleep? Haven't experienced that one. I assume you are already in bed and it's late, I guess it can happen. Sure, being tired is a reason not to return the favour, as long as it's not on a regular basis.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

no. blow jobs are free and plentiful. they are not a gift or given in exchange for anything. there are times especially during morning quickies that he gets to finish and i will wait until later. thats okay because neither one of us is selfish. whoever get left hanging the other makes up for it even more the next time.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

IsGirl3 said:


> Do you expect anything in return after performing oral sex on your partner? I know from reading many posts here that many love to give oral sex and do not expect oral sex in return, but do you get anything in return like a hand job or sex or manual stimulation? Is it ever acceptable for the receiver to fall asleep right afterwards? Are there mitigating factors to make it ok not to reciprocate somehow, like being very tired, or very late.


I don't orgasm giving him an HJ or BJ but I really "get off" pleasing him.I don't want anything in return on those occasions.he has voiced the same opinion in regard to doing things to provide pleasure to me.
If he was consistently receiving and never giving back I'd get frustrated and I'd ask what was up with that.

Is someone doing this to you?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I think it depends on the situation for me and my fiancee. There's times when she'll just surprise me with a BJ and leave it at that, there are times when she'll do oral and then we'll go from there.

For the record she doesn't like or want oral on her, so it's hard for me to comment when I'm being the giver. It's been years since I was down there 

Essentially, if she's going down on me, I'll let her decide if she just wants to finish me off or if she wants something as well. She knows either way is good with me and I just want to make sure she's happy/satisfied as well.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I had a really long response but I'll keep it short.

I went all out last night and hinted for 2 days via sexy emails to my husband that I read books and posts on how to give a great BJ and wanted to try new techniques on him, although I think he thinks I give great BJ's. The first night he fell asleep early and I still had kids to tend to.

Last night I lit candles, did hair, makeup, lots of kissing up the thighs, had him sit at edge of bed to look down at me, I looked up, make it last a long time. Right afterwards he fell asleep. I had a mantra going all night before he got home, "I am doing this for me and I don't expect reciprocation." I repeated probably 50 times. Despite this, I was upset. We were in an embrace for about 15 minutes with him sleeping and I left room for 1/2 hour because I was upset. Probably because I gave him a BJ just a few days ago with nothing in return. When I returned 1/2 hour later, he DID perform oral sex on me, but that's probably because I NEVER leave the room after we go to bed and he must have known something was up. I even felt like telling him I didn't want him to do that but didn't want to make a big deal out of it. 

I'm writing here because he is the only lover I've known and after 30 years together, I don't know how things should be. Just lately I want more for myself and I think I'm not getting it. He did reciprocate so I don't know what my problem is. Maybe it's because I'm sure that if I didn't awaken him by getting up out of bed, nothing would have happened. I think I'm just frustrated and I'm not communicating at all. Maybe it's because sex lasts <3 minutes on a good day. Maybe because foreplay is short. Maybe because I feel like I'm doing most of the giving and very little getting. Maybe because I feel paralyzed to say how I feel.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

I'm always giving bjs and hand js and I don't expect anything in return. 
His pleasure gets me off although I don't orgasm. 
I LOVE to know I've pleased my man


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

IsGirl3 said:


> Do you expect anything in return after performing oral sex on your partner? I know from reading many posts here that many love to give oral sex and do not expect oral sex in return, but do you get anything in return like a hand job or sex or manual stimulation? Is it ever acceptable for the receiver to fall asleep right afterwards? Are there mitigating factors to make it ok not to reciprocate somehow, like being very tired, or very late.


I use to pleasure my wife OS wise and did not expect anything in return. I knew she liked it and did it sometimes shortly before bed time since a nice O made her more relaxed. She in turn use to once and awhile offer me a BJ without expecting anything in return.

90% of the time when either one of use would do this for each other we ended up with either PIV or returning the OS just cause we both wanted to. There never were any rules. I use to offer it to her daily. I enjoyed very much pleasing her with OS.


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

IsGirl3 said:


> I had a really long response but I'll keep it short.
> 
> I went all out last night and hinted for 2 days via sexy emails to my husband that I read books and posts on how to give a great BJ and wanted to try new techniques on him, although I think he thinks I give great BJ's. The first night he fell asleep early and I still had kids to tend to.
> 
> ...


_"Just lately I want more for myself and I think I'm not getting it. "_

After 30 years you are changing, how often has this been expressed to him? If not at all or very little communication he likely feels what has been good for 30 years is still good.

Tell him you would like some more OS, tell him he is so good at it you would like it daily. You need to be open as to what you want, how often and talk with him to get to a place where you both are happy. As mentioned I would have gladly pleasured my with with OS daily, some men may not. Do not be frustrated, talk with him and work through what you want and what he feels he can provide. Don't let this turn into a cycle of frustration. 

Sounds like he maybe in a high stress job, you mentioned he is tired. Could be as he is getting older his T levels are dropping which will make men tired more often.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Aw sweetie your sex life is unbalanced and no wonder you feel this way. You give and give and give thinking he'll magically change but it never works that way. You know in your heart that had he not heard you get up you wouldn't have gotten oral back. He's got PE issues that hasn't been addressed either.

You bring your A game to the bedroom and all you want is for him to do the same.

If you're sexually satisfied giving without getting is enjoyable. If you're not satisfied then all you feel is used.


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## brokendown77 (Dec 15, 2012)

IsGirl3 said:


> I'm writing here because he is the only lover I've known and after 30 years together, I don't know how things should be. Just lately I want more for myself and I think I'm not getting it. He did reciprocate so I don't know what my problem is. Maybe it's because I'm sure that if I didn't awaken him by getting up out of bed, nothing would have happened. *I think I'm just frustrated and I'm not communicating at all.* Maybe it's because sex lasts <3 minutes on a good day. Maybe because foreplay is short. Maybe because I feel like I'm doing most of the giving and very little getting. Maybe because I feel paralyzed to say how I feel.


Bingo! First off, let me just congratulate you on your commitment to your husband. If my wife ever did anything like you did with the BJ talk and what not, I'd be chomping at the bit to please her. I feel your pain though, sometimes when I go down on my wife I get the "I'll pay you back tomorrow" and nothing ever happens. I generally don't expect anything back, but that hurts.

That said, talk to him. As a guy, I'm going to tell you something: We are brain dead mules lost in the desert. Subtle hints DO NOT work in the long run. Just tell him what you want, but in a nice and assertive way. It could arouse him that you tell him exactly what you want, I know I would appreciate it. If you've been together so long you shouldn't have a problem being open and honest, it can only help things and help you both be more satisfied.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

what i have learned in 19 years of marriage and really only started getting it recently is that sometimes we create these scenarios in our head right down to the end. When our partner doesnt follow the script we *think* is obvious we get disappointed because we havent really communicated the expectation.

My husband once told me I had been the same way for so long and then I started to change and so did my needs but I never gave him time to catch up or even told him we were going with a different play from the play book and that wasnt fair.

having been where you are I think i can understand where you are coming from. Had I been able to read why you were feeling the way you were, I would have given you this answer instead of the other one.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

janesmith said:


> *no. blow jobs are free and plentiful.*


On what planet?


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

ATC529R said:


> On what planet?


on the planet Janesmith:smthumbup:


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

IMHO, couples who keep a tally of orgasms are doomed.

My ex used to demand immediate reciprocity and began keeping a tally of every O. She demanded the ledger sheet be kept in perfect balance, or she would not participate. I began to resort to pleasing myself due to our unbalanced sex drive, she began to count orgasms I gave myself. Eventually, I swear, she began to count orgasms I had before we met. When I got too far ahead of her count, in her book, 

That marriage ended and ….

My wife demands NO immediate reciprocity, and allows me to lay back and enjoy myself. 

That's great, but … I'd LOVE to perform OS. She has NEVER let me do it. I'm so surprised because she is so passionate and loves giving ME a bj, but will hardly let me even touch her to return the favor.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

sometimes men just want to lay back and enjoy themselves without all our "feeeeelingsssssss" getting involved and then go to sleep.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

janesmith said:


> ALL THE TIME men just want to lay back and enjoy themselves without all our "feeeeelingsssssss" getting involved and then go to sleep.


fixed!


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

ATC529R said:


> fixed!



stop fixing my sht for me ATC I dont get to service my husband that way as much as i would like because he HAS to reciprocate. I think he feels guilty or something, type A personality, oldest male child, over achiever thing going on or some such hang up. Or maybe I just trained him to think its not okay. Im working on that


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## DeidreCPA (Dec 26, 2012)

I would be happy that he did perform after you came back into the room. I have performed countless BJ on my husband and expressed many many times my wishes that he reciprocate, but he never does. It really hurts my feelings, and I've told him so, but still nothing. I've done everything I can think of from making sure I'm properly groomed, smell good, setting the foundation, directly asking for it, getting angry, being flirtacious, and nothing seems to work. And when I try to discuss it, he gets frustrated.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

IsGirl3 said:


> Do you expect anything in return after performing oral sex on your partner? I know from reading many posts here that many love to give oral sex and do not expect oral sex in return, but do you get anything in return like a hand job or sex or manual stimulation? Is it ever acceptable for the receiver to fall asleep right afterwards? Are there mitigating factors to make it ok not to reciprocate somehow, like being very tired, or very late.


sadly, im easy....i expect a slap on the ass, a high five, a squeeze, or a hug. i expect rock, paper, scissor to see how turns the air on/off the heat on/off, get water or food.

i expect respect, i expect to be verbally told, its was great--if it wasnt, tell me you had fun/enjoyed it. its not a secret, that its not my most fav activity, but i do it out of love, and bonding, and enjoyment, i do it because its his intimacy, and his need, so i expect our love and bond to be stronger and deeper. 

i expect to be adored as i adore him, and maybe 8 outta 10 times i give a bj, i would like to orgasm too. i expect to be touched, and not made to feel as though i am being degraded while im doing it.

its ok to be tired, and ask for a rain check...but if there is no follow through at the previously stated date, then one might not be as forgiving of tiredness, or headache..or even be as in favor of the ol' roll over and snore.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Since she can have another orgasm much sooner than I can, I always give her oral as part of an evening of sex. She is not multi-orgasmic, (e.g. Able to have one right after another) but she an go again after 10 minutes or so. That way she can have 2 that night. On a romantic vacation, I will give her a couple throughout the day and save mine for the evening. She does not give BJs to completion, but when she gives me a hand job it is because she is unable to have sex and wants to please me so she expects nothing in return.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

> If you're sexually satisfied giving without getting is enjoyable. If you're not satisfied then all you feel is used.


 This. 

There is no score sheet here, no tally, no need to give just because you received.
We both love OS and do it daily, sometimes only one of us gets it, other times we both do. 

I very happily will give him a BJ with nothing needed in return, he does the same for me. 

The only thing here is that after a BJ he can't have PIV staright away so I tend to give him one earlier in the day or evening so then we can also enjoy PIV a bit later.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

lmao if im giving a morning bj i know for a FACT im waiting a day or two. DH is 43 and the recovery time is in days not hours lol


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My husband seriously WANTS me to get mine, he often wants to wait till we can "go" together....he would even choose Red sex over him just getting his release (BJ) ... that's just how he is ...it seems my pleasure is what does it for him the most. 

But I don't mind... cause I love getting mine too... but sometimes I'll tease him & say .... "Look Baby... you don't want this ? Lay back ... cause you're getting it anyway" ...and I go to town... he's not going to turn that down...he loves it. I know he'll be ready to roll the next day ....so it's all good. His Recovery period is after a good night rest...at his age.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Wow! Thanks all so much for the insight. Thanks to Mavash for being so sweet, Janesmith for being so understanding, and Brokendown for telling me what I needed to hear about guys being brain dead mules that need repeating. Not than I'm repeating, but will say for the first time, but I've given hints, but obviously not enough.

Tonight, I think, I'm going to try to express what I want. What I'd like him to do and try and stuff like that.

I keep having to remember that I am responsible to speak up for myself and can't blame a guy who is just doing what he's been doing for 30 years. When you do something for so long with no complaining or commenting, that’s just the way it is with no thought to the otherwise and there is no reason to think differently.

It's not like I'm upset or resentful all the time. I've probably given hundreds of BJ's without a thought of reciprocation. It's just that I've just noted in the last 9 months how much more I give than get, and I really turned the heat last night and gave it a lot of thought. As janesmith said, just because I envisioned it one way in my head doesn't mean that's how it goes.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

After your last post, just realize that after a guy has an orgasm, we tend to lose all interest in sex and can even get quite sleepy. So have him do you first. I know that it turns me on so much to give oral to my wife that it is actually foreplay for me.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

janesmith said:


> lmao if im giving a morning bj i know for a FACT im waiting a day or two. DH is 43 and the recovery time is in days not hours lol


I feel very lucky, he can go PIV twice a day or PIV and BJ as long as the BJ is not first. A BJ renders him useless for some time lol he can however get a BJ and then is ready for PIV after a few hours. He is in his 50's
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

janesmith said:


> lmao if im giving a morning bj i know for a FACT im waiting a day or two. DH is 43 and the recovery time is in days not hours lol


ouch...true.... when we get older, our recovery time seemed to be much longer.. (oh for the good ol' days of getting hard in demand all the times..) but that's what energy drinks are for..


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

DeidreCPA said:


> I would be happy that he did perform after you came back into the room. I have performed countless BJ on my husband and expressed many many times my wishes that he reciprocate, but he never does. It really hurts my feelings, and I've told him so, but still nothing. I've done everything I can think of from making sure I'm properly groomed, smell good, setting the foundation, directly asking for it, getting angry, being flirtacious, and nothing seems to work. And when I try to discuss it, he gets frustrated.


Have you tried cutting him off from BJ's? If you've done everything you've said here and he still isn't willing to reciprocate, I'd just cut him off.



romantic_guy said:


> After your last post, just realize that after a guy has an orgasm, we tend to lose all interest in sex and can even get quite sleepy. So have him do you first. I know that it turns me on so much to give oral to my wife that it is actually foreplay for me.


While I agree that we tend to lose interest in sex, we don't lose our manners and I'd still happily give my finacee as many oral orgasms as she wanted and throw some more in as a bonus if I was allowed. Even if I'm not interested in sex, I am very interested in making my fiancee happy at all times.


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

DeidreCPA said:


> I would be happy that he did perform after you came back into the room. * I have performed countless BJ on my husband and expressed many many times my wishes that he reciprocate, but he never does. It really hurts my feelings, and I've told him so, but still nothing.* I've done everything I can think of from making sure I'm properly groomed, smell good, setting the foundation, directly asking for it, getting angry, being flirtacious, and nothing seems to work. And when I try to discuss it, he gets frustrated.


Stop giving him a BJ for awhile and when he asks why tell him. Has he ever pleasured you that way before?


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

janesmith said:


> sometimes men just want to lay back and enjoy themselves without all our "feeeeelingsssssss" getting involved and then go to sleep.


Most men I know are not happy unless they satisfy their partner. Once and awhile a quickie is fine but over all men I know prefer to please. If a guy does not want to pleasure his partner he is either selfish or clueless.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

code that why i said "sometimes".


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

janesmith said:


> code that why i said "sometimes".


I agree with you jane. While most of the time I'd be quite willing to please my lady, from time to time it is awesome to just be the one getting all the attention.


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

janesmith said:


> code that why i said "sometimes".


Sorry Jane I did not read your whole reply, you are correct it is nice once and awhile to just receive. My wife was on the same page as me, it was nice to just receive but there was always a desire to reciprocate. 

But we grew to know over 30 years some of the most fun is giving and not receiving. I think I was more into do this than she was looking back. It was a great treat to get a BJ just before a afternoon nap.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

After and BJ to completion I lose all interest in sex. If she wanted to I would help her have one however to be honest my heart wouldn't really be in it. 

For us she only finishes me orally only when she has no expectation of reciprocity. If she intends to orgasm during our sex than we won't finish this way.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

IsGirl3 said:


> Tonight, I think, I'm going to try to express what I want. What I'd like him to do and try and stuff like that.
> 
> I keep having to remember that I am responsible to speak up for myself and can't blame a guy who is just doing what he's been doing for 30 years. When you do something for so long with no complaining or commenting, that’s just the way it is with no thought to the otherwise and there is no reason to think differently.


:smthumbup:I think you got it. Just be direct and don't beat around the bush. Let him know that things have gone a certain way for the majority of your marriage but you now feel that you want more. Unless he is a total jerk, he should be receptive.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

IsGirl3 said:


> Do you expect anything in return after performing oral sex on your partner? I know from reading many posts here that many love to give oral sex and do not expect oral sex in return, but do you get anything in return like a hand job or sex or manual stimulation? Is it ever acceptable for the receiver to fall asleep right afterwards? Are there mitigating factors to make it ok not to reciprocate somehow, like being very tired, or very late.


Most of the time, my wife and I 69, so it's simultaneous pleasing.

I'm HD and my wife is sort of LD, but she makes sure I get a little something every other day, whether it be BJ to finish (onto a towel) or HJ with lotion. My wife gives me the best screwdriver HJ's. I cum harder with HJ's than PiV or BJ's. Anyway, there are days where she's tired and just wants to go to sleep, so she'll break me off a little quick something without asking for anything. I try to reciprocate, but she insists that she's good.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

didn't say anything last night, but tonight's the night (or at least by the end of the weekend).


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## mace85 (Mar 12, 2012)

You guys are lucky. I feel like I need a signed congressional order to get a blowjob.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

mace85 said:


> You guys are lucky. I feel like I need a signed congressional order to get a blowjob.


I was there once, I feel your pain buddy. I'd say I'll think of you the next time I'm getting one but, well, that's just downright creepy.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I continued this thread here, http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/66306-why-so-darn-hard-me-communicate-about-sex.html.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Sex shouldn't come with expected favors, but that's just me.

However, your case sounds more like your husband isn't pulling his weight when it comes to satisfying your needs when it comes to sex. I still don't think you should attach a catch after every BJ you give him - as that will just cause more problems further down the track. However, you do have to let him know that he's rather inadequate and that he needs to stop being selfish consistently.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Myself, I love my wife's BJ's and I tell her, she was awesome or that was perfect!!!

I would also love to give her oral orgasms every time as well, if she'd let me. But when she does or I sometimes just take her and give her oral anyway, she stops resisting, loves it and has her orgasm. 

For me, "ideally", 50 / 50. BJ for me, oral orgasm for her. Could be 69 me on top or her on top or just missionary.


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## Randy52 (Oct 15, 2011)

Selfishly, I perform OS on my wife for MY pleasure as much as hers. I have no expectation of any reciprocation, but it is rare that she doesn't do SOMEthing.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Randy52 said:


> Selfishly, I perform OS on my wife for MY pleasure as much as hers. I have no expectation of any reciprocation, but it is rare that she doesn't do SOMEthing.


Same here. I am more than happy to go down on her and bring her to orgasm without expecting anything in return; but I think it would bother me if this happened ALL the time for the simple reason that it would start to feel as if she was being selfish. Fortunately, we are both the same way in that regard.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Randy52 said:


> Selfishly, I perform OS on my wife for MY pleasure as much as hers. I have no expectation of any reciprocation, but it is rare that she doesn't do SOMEthing.


I think that is what most of us would expect from a healthy relationship.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Same here. I am more than happy to go down on her and bring her to orgasm without expecting anything in return; but I think it would bother me if this happened ALL the time for the simple reason that it would start to feel as if she was being selfish. Fortunately, we are both the same way in that regard.


As someone who lived this in my past marriage, yep, it is very selfish. It doesn't have to be 100% equal, but both sides need to be willing to offer from time to time, not just one side getting all the fun that way.

I'm so glad to be out of that marriage...


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