# Does my husband respect me?



## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

Hi there, as I reread what I wrote I thought my story sounded ridiculous, mainly because I have digested this particular issue and kind of made up my mind to change me. But because I still couldn't comprehend everything, I thought to seek your opinion to what I thought bothered me.

My husband likes to cut me off with an OK when I speak. I find that rude, I see that as him telling me to shut up indirectly. He does that at times when I am telling him or explaining something. 

He also expresses himself with a tilt the head up looking at the ceiling, cover his eyes with his hands, or sigh when we disagreed. At times when I ask him for help, instead of saying no, he sighed but will insist he was only tired or just breathing. He insisted it was okay and not because he was reluctant to do it (I would rather he says no as if it wasn't important I would tell him okay, it can wait!) I see these signs as disrespectful to me.

Recent months I have been working on me, so everything has been pretty okay (as in no arguments with improvements, but things can be better) but not that day, I was really hurt and offended by him. 

A few days ago I was talking to him and midway he interrupted me with an impatient okokok to me. I asked him for help, to give me his opinion about what I wrote, but he started editing so I tried to tell him (while he was reading) that he doesn't need to edit my work as all (It was especially important because I didn't even proofread my work yet, and I prefer to put in the effort before anyone else comes do it for me).

I told him that his impatient okokok was a rude response and his argument was I interrupted him when he was trying to read. I later tried to explain how if he doesn't behave or treat his boss, co-workers or friends that way, he shouldn't be doing that to me. He thought it was not the same as the relationship he has with me is not the same as his relationship with the others. I told him that he was using that as an excuse to justify how it was okay for him to be rude to me. He said sure he will do the same to the others at work but there won't be an opportunity for him to do so, so I said if his boss or subordinates were to walk in and talk to him while he was reading, would he actually interrupt them and says okokok (with an attitude)? He didn't respond to that.

When we spoke again later I asked him to apologize for disrespecting me. He said I disrespected him (how I have no clue, and it always feels like he has an excuse for something) and he apologized but he made it clear that he was not happy to apologize. That pissed me off, and an angry argument ensued.

i asked my elderly female friend about this and was told it's my fault for interrupting him while he was reading. She thought it was perfectly normal for him to be irritated and responded the way he did. She also thought he should be able to express himself (be it roll eyes, sigh, tilt head whatever that it is). I was also told I have high expectations, and I should step back and see it from my husband's point of view.

I understood what she said but I could not understand why it was okay to not expect respect from my husband. She said I shouldn't expect respect from anyone (including my husband) as that would make my life difficult. She mentioned I need to remember the phrase "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me."

After a day and a half of husband and I not talking, I initiated the conversation about what happened and I shared what my elderly female friend told me. I told him I needed to work on me, and I will work on having zero expectations from him. He disagreed with the old lady's advice saying everyone should have some expectations and old lady's advice was an unhealthy coping mechanism. The issue didn't resolve, he still thinks he didn't disrespect me, and he should have his right to express the way he wants it. But I see it differently, however the idea of having zero expectations has set in, and that's what I am thinking I should be doing. If I can train myself to accept that's how he is, then perhaps that be the best way for the marriage. Accept without any resentment, that is.

I'm sorry for the long post. Please tell me what you think.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The old lady has a point (most old folks have some useful information). Your guy is a man, not a woman. He's not mentally equipped to do five things at once. If you want his attention you have to give him time to mentally get out of wherever his head is and put it into his "talking with the wife" place. His mind is designed to handle information he can do something with. "Thing broke" = "I fix". If you give him a 20 paragraph recitation, he's filtering everything out that doesn't sound like something that requires action. It doesn't take us long to get mentally overwhelmed listening to women. Sorry if that sounds sexist. If you want a better response from him, tell him in advance that you want to talk with him after dinner or at some other predictable point and what you'd like to talk about. Before you talk to him, figure out what you would like him to do and then get to the point. 
I'm sure you aren't a bad person and he probably isn't, either. He's a guy and he has a guy brain. His brain does one thing at a time. Your's is a female brain and was designed to do three things while thinking about 15 other things. If he's reading or watching TV or thinking about work, he's not hearing you. It's not that he's deliberately disrespectful, it's that he has to work with the brain he was given. He also can't give birth. The face in the palm, eyes looking upward, sound like the face of frustration. He's literally lost because he hasn't heard 90% of what you've said and he doesn't know what he's supposed to say or do. He knows you're upset but he doesn't know why or what he can do to "fix" it (and because he's a guy, he believes he's supposed to fix it). 
His interrupting is rude but it might also his way of telling you he's been overloaded with information. He wants to get to the action instruction. 
Expectations are great but both of you have them and they both need to be reasonable. He can't reasonably expect you to tolerate signs of disrespect and you can't reasonably expect him to communicate like a woman. He needs to learn enough about female communications to be able to talk to you in a way you can understand and you need to learn enough about male communication to talk to him in ways he can handle. 
I expect civility and I believe everyone, male, or female, should expect that. Respect has to be earned and we generally earn it by showing it. I never ask for apologies. Either they are voluntarily given or they aren't real. 
Communication at home for a guy is different than work communication. At work, his brain is at work (if he wants to keep his job). At home, especially if he just got home from work, his brain is probably still at work for a time. He reads or watches TV to transition his brain to relaxation and home. If you try to talk to him when half his brain is still at work and the other half is in a book, there's nothing for you to be talking to.


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

I agree with what you said. It was the first time I asked for an apology, I've never done that before, now I know.

I did tell him what I wanted but he didn't listen and did what he thought he wanted to do, now that didn't bother me, what bothered me was when I felt disrespected. I should really train myself to ignore his face Palm moments and not take it personal.

What I don't know is when is a good time to ask for help? He is always in his books, or laptop. We don't spend much time doing things together. He doesn't work late much, comes home by 3pm on most days and if I do ask him for help, it's mostly not about diy stuff because he hates those (we don't own a home, it's rental) but like a read something and help explain it to me because I do not understand what the passage is saying. I google or use the dictionary when I can but there are times I just need a person to explain it to me. 

Perhaps I should ask is this a good time to ask and ignore his facial expressions?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think I would get a different advisor than the elderly lady.

I still advise leaving this guy. Why do you want to be with some who does not respect you? Who cannot try to see things from your pov?


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

*Re: Re: Does my husband respect me?*



jld said:


> I think I would get a different advisor than the elderly lady.
> 
> I still advise leaving this guy. Why do you want to be with some who does not respect you? Who cannot try to see things from your pov?


Initially I thought she was a saint. It was really difficult for me to accept what she said and I wondered if she was being realistic or avoiding conflict. 

There were many times I thought about leaving my husband. But there are times I see his kindness and I used those times to tell myself he is just a terrible, horrible communicator. Tbh I also secretly think he is just a selfish man. I know there were times or may be even now he thinks I'm horrible and unreasonable so I guess we are equal.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *unbelievable said: **I never ask for apologies. Either they are voluntarily given or they aren't real.*


I have to agree with this comment.. when we insist on an apology....ya know.. it's not given from the heart ...it's more forced...if given, I'd question if it was just done to PACIFY US... you said it was your 1st time .. so yeah.. not the best way to go.. 

My thoughts...When he does things to hurt you/ and you feel disrespected....The most effective communication you can do here ...to convey your feelings is to use* "I" statements*.. over "*YOU" statements..*



> *"YOU" statements* tell the person what he did or didn’t do, whether it was right or wrong or what he should or shouldn’t be doing. Such statements, more often than not sound like accusations & blame. It conveys judgment. No one likes being judged and hence it closes down communication lines. It puts the person on the defense, making him unable and unwilling to be open to what you have to say and truly listen
> 
> *‘I’ statements* make the speaker take responsibility for his emotions, acknowledging and understanding them better. Also, we can really know only what WE are feeling. When we talk about anyone else’s feelings, thoughts or behaviors like ‘you don’t love me’ or ‘you don’t understand’ – it’s all just an assumption. That is our perspective of the situation while that person’s reality may be completely different. So let’s not assume here, let only talk of only what we really know – our own selves.


A couple articles on this...

 COMMUNICATION: “YOU” V/S “I” STATEMENTS- Inner Space

Using 'I' statements to communicate your needs to your relationship partner 

I think this would be a very helpful book for you ...

Boundaries in Marriage: Henry Cloud, John Townsend:



> Learn when to say yes and when to say no--to your spouse and to others--to make the most of your marriage Only when a husband and wife know and respect each other’s needs, choices, and freedom can they give themselves freely and lovingly to one another. Boundaries are the “property lines” that define and protect husbands and wives as individuals. Once they are in place, a good marriage can become better, and a less-than-satisfying one can even be saved. Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, counselors and authors of the award-winning best-seller Boundaries, show couples how to apply the 10 laws of boundaries that can make a real difference in relationships. They help husbands and wives understand the friction points or serious hurts and betrayals in their marriage—and move beyond them to the mutual care, respect, affirmation, and intimacy they both long for.
> 
> Boundaries in Marriage helps couples:
> 
> ...





> *Canon in D said*: *Initially I thought she was a saint. It was really difficult for me to accept what she said and I wondered if she was being realistic or avoiding conflict.*


 Your lady friend sounds a little "out there" to me.. although there is some truth to the "sticks & stones " saying.... I think that better applies to strangers.. ya know -not getting all bent out of shape over someone we may never see again, or even casual acquaintances..... but our SPOUSES...living with a bad attitude, being mean / cross / impatient, rolling eyes...and telling you to just Let him be...get used to it....her advice sounds so "communication avoidant"... to just suck it up and LIVE WITH IT.. to become NUMB to it.. is more what she seems to be offering you.. 

Her saying " step back and see it from my husband's point of view".. this is ALWAYS wise in dealing with anyone.. that way if you feel you overstepped.. you can make it right.. Unbelievable gave some good points to the differences in Male & female brains.. there is truth to this !

Back to your old Lady friend...I have to wonder what her own marriage is like , or was like ....for her to continually offer -to expect NOTHING... 



> *Canon in D said*: I initiated the conversation about what happened and I shared what my elderly female friend told me*. I told him I needed to work on me, and I will work on having zero expectations from him. He disagreed with the old lady's advice saying everyone should have some expectations and old lady's advice was an unhealthy coping mechanism.*


Even your husband had enough sense to know she is a little off her rocker in that.. that we *all *have some expectations of the other.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

There is a lot of good research about the differences between men and women in conversation. It seems to me that you are experiencing some standard misunderstandings between the genders. For example, his 'OK, OK' is probably his way of saying that you've already given him the important info and you don't need to keep elaborating. You, on the other hand, do not think that he has all the necessary information, so you are not finished talking. Who's to say who is correct here? These are really two gender-based readings on the purpose and effectiveness of language.

Men tend to talk to relay what they consider information & women relate a narrative. I don't believe that you can say that either of these styles is superior in an absolute sense.

When men and women talk tangentially to one another it can be construed as hurtful or disrespectful, even if the speaker has no such intent. I would think that there is some of that going on with you and your H.

At the same time, the eye-rolling and other gesturing seems condescending to me & not just an issue of gender differences. If my H did that to me on a regular basis, I wouldn't accept it. I would disengage from the conversation instead.

ETA: I just got off TAM and turned to my H to tell him that I was headed to the kitchen and would be streaming some music from my laptop as I cooked. I explained (briefly!) that he needn't take over the 'music playing task' by jumping up and making sure that the music was streamed from our good speakers (i.e., he didn't need to 'fix' anything). Then, my music came on & he rolled his eyes and said, 'Is that what you're playing?' I didn't engage. I cranked up the volume and left the room....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Canon in D said:


> I agree with what you said. It was the first time I asked for an apology, I've never done that before, now I know.
> 
> I did tell him what I wanted but he didn't listen and did what he thought he wanted to do, now that didn't bother me, what bothered me was when I felt disrespected. I should really train myself to ignore his face Palm moments and not take it personal.
> 
> ...


I disagree that respect must be earned. Respect is at the basis of all civilized human interactions. In marriage it must be the very foundation.
In marriage, respect is the very first thing that is required. If a couple cannot respect each other, not much else in the matters. Why? Because the one who does not respect the other will mistreat the other.

Your husband is acting like a petulant child, not a husband who loves his wife. Doing things like rolling his eyes, lookup to the side when you are talking to him is a way for him to tell you very clearly that he does not respect you. Do not ignore his facial expressions and bad behavior.

If you talk to him and he acts like that, just walk away. Stop talking mid-sentence. Tell him something like “I do not appreciate being disrespected.” And walk away. Go do something else away from him. If you can leave the house for an hour or so.
Also stop asking your elderly friend for advice. She’s wrong. What she told you is a form of conflict avoidance. If you do what she suggests, the anger at your husband will just build and build as you try to stuff it down. But it will not work.

Has he told you that he thinks you are horrible and unreasonable?

Can you give us an example of something you asked him when he behaved this way? What was this last thing you tired to talk to him about?


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

*Re: Re: Does my husband respect me?*



SimplyAmorous said:


> I have to agree with this comment.. when we insist on an apology....ya know.. it's not given from the heart ...it's more forced...if given, I'd question if it was just done to PACIFY US... you said it was your 1st time .. so yeah.. not the best way to go..
> 
> My thoughts...When he does things to hurt you/ and you feel disrespected....The most effective communication you can do here ...to convey your feelings is to use* "I" statements*.. over "*YOU" statements..*
> 
> ...


I used to be cognizant of the "I" statement, then overtime I think I don't bother anymore. Lol. With the husband, he doesn't hear the "I". As long as I am voicing out my unhappiness, he hears me criticizing him. He can't handle anything that's not a compliment. But he has his moods. If he is in the mood he will listen. So that's why I've been working on me. No complaints all is good. I need emotional support, he can't give me that, ok, move on, find my own support from gfs, old lady, that kind of thing.

I agree with the "sticks and stones" saying for strangers only. To me family is most important, and if one can be aware of how he or she should behave in public, do the same at home with your family and be nice. 

I agree with what unbelievable Said. One of the issue during that reading incident was I interrupted. But if I don't then wait for him to complete he may say why didn't you say something? Lol. Either way it's wrong. One way is to let him complete and NOT tell him it wasn't necessary at all. I think.

It's funny how the husband says people should have expectations but when I share mine, his used to always say "can you understand.....". So I stopped saying. I work on me. Now I'm working on not let his mood or attitude affects me. I have saved the book you recommended, will definitely read about that. Thank you for the recommendation.


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

*Re: Re: Does my husband respect me?*



alte Dame said:


> There is a lot of good research about the differences between men and women in conversation. It seems to me that you are experiencing some standard misunderstandings between the genders. For example, his 'OK, OK' is probably his way of saying that you've already given him the important info and you don't need to keep elaborating. You, on the other hand, do not think that he has all the necessary information, so you are not finished talking. Who's to say who is correct here? These are really two gender-based readings on the purpose and effectiveness of language.
> 
> Men tend to talk to relay what they consider information & women relate a narrative. I don't believe that you can say that either of these styles is superior in an absolute sense.
> 
> ...


Yes. I do explain briefly. He is Impatient. If he is in the mood he will listen, if he doesn't welcome it at that moment, his response will be impatient. That's one of the things he said before we got married. That he is a patient person with humans but not equipment (he starts scolding equipment when they don't function properly....lol.... Even tv remote...).

So he really was contradicting himself before marriage, if he can be patient with humans, and others (not when he is driving) what about the wife who has to wipe his dirty butt if he ends up old on the wheelchair one day? I used to think he cares more about everyone else than me, but I stopped thinking that. It's not healthy and not helping anyway. 

He used to argue and said rolling his eyes isn't a rude thing. And when I spoke to him that day about what old lady said, he agreed that eyes rolling is a rude action. Lol.

I find myself happier when I expect lesser and lesser from him. But I'm still questioning if I am honest and will be able to live forever with him like this. It's a drastic change from my wanting us to be bestfriends and not seeking that from him anymore. Practice makes perfect you think? The more I practice the more it becomes me? 

It's soothing sharing this here. I feel that at least someone is responding. With him sometimes he is always rushing to get back to his alcohol and smoking. Depending on his mood again. We used to talk about everything under the sun before marriage, and we could voice our views. now he would tell me I don't make sense, it's not right etc.. but never did he say any of that before marriage. So what I also feel now is his true colors has emerged. Perhaps it's because we are married or he is simply too comfortable to censor anything.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Canon,

This isn't easy stuff. 

I agree with you that he should be as polite to you as he is to his boss, coworkers. 

Thing is - I'm guessing you also want him to be more transparent with you than he is with people at work. 

Work is focused on efficiency and profit. A good marriage isn't like that. 

A few suggestions that helped me and my W.
When he's reading, try this: When you get to a good stopping point, I wanted to see if you can help me with something

Or

Can I interrupt your book for a moment?

You may find that he responds very well to that. 

As for what you wrote and him editing it instead of giving you general feedback. A lot of men would have done that - trying to be helpful - even though it wasn't what you actually wanted. 

You sound like a good person - and some of his body language - would be hurtful to anyone. 

M2 used to tell me about her day in a way that was hard to follow. 

And I would get irritated and say: too many parallel threads 

NOT OK

Now I either follow as best I can or smile and say: you are starting to lose me 

Totally different dynamic. 



Canon in D said:


> Hi there, as I reread what I wrote I thought my story sounded ridiculous, mainly because I have digested this particular issue and kind of made up my mind to change me. But because I still couldn't comprehend everything, I thought to seek your opinion to what I thought bothered me.
> 
> My husband likes to cut me off with an OK when I speak. I find that rude, I see that as him telling me to shut up indirectly. He does that at times when I am telling him or explaining something.
> 
> ...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Canon, sometimes my mind works fast, particularly with concepts. My husbands mind is more concrete. When we talk, I feel like I'm miles ahead of him because I've mentally jumped from concept to concept. I used to get very impatient with him not following me. Because he want paying attention, Id lost him somewhere. 

Then he started paying better attention and would stop me when I lost him. At first, I was irritated. But we turned it into a joke. "Dammit husband, why can't you hear my thoughts!"

Communication styles have to be understood and accepted. There is no right style or wrong style. I'm conceptual, he's concrete.

The other thing I wanted to say was to watch your listener for cues on understanding. When people provide too many unnecessary details, when they go on and on to explain things while the listener got it the first time, that is annoying as hell! FTR, both my H and I do that, only he does it worse! 

I think both of you lack respect for the other. I don't think it's intentional though. Being more aware of how you say what you want to say is a long process (Lemme tell Ya!)

But before you can undertake that process, you have to recognize your own faults and your husband, apparently is not there. Will he ever? Who knows?


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

*Re: Re: Does my husband respect me?*



EleGirl said:


> I disagree that respect must be earned. Respect is at the basis of all civilized human interactions. In marriage it must be the very foundation.
> In marriage, respect is the very first thing that is required. If a couple cannot respect each other, not much else in the matters. Why? Because the one who does not respect the other will mistreat the other.
> 
> Your husband is acting like a petulant child, not a husband who loves his wife. Doing things like rolling his eyes, lookup to the side when you are talking to him is a way for him to tell you very clearly that he does not respect you. Do not ignore his facial expressions and bad behavior.
> ...


He has said sometimes he thought I'm not a nice person, that I'm a b I think. I forgot what he said verbatim. But he definitely thinks I'm unreasonable. And I thinks he is who he is because he loves himself way more than his concern for me. but I also tell myself he doesn't know how it's like to care for the others, so it doesn't mean he is selfish, just his worldviews.

The last time I tried talking to him about his tilting his head up looking at the ceiling and sigh etc was when I told him about the conversation I had with old lady. I apologized for my part. As I tell you now I just realized he never apologized. Lol. I didn't even think about that.

Old lady has told me a year ago that he is a Child and I'm the critical parent. So since then I've been working on stop being his mom. I stopped reminding him stuff, I just focus on me and things got better. I used to think I should remind him so he won't mess up. I don't think he appreciates that because he gets annoyed when I remind him. But when he is in a good mood he thank me for reminding. Anyway, not reminding or worrying makes my life easier. If he has to pay a late fine or penalty that's the consequences. 

That's what I've learned, he has to suffer his own consequences. I'm a planner so I see stuff ahead that he doesn't see. It was initially hard to bite my tongue but I've managed to ignore it and now sometimes I don't even realized I'm not worrying about it anymore. Kind of becoming a second nature. Training is still in progress.

That same day when I apologized, I brought up how it's work in progress. He told me I've said it before. I told him I'm not a miracle worker, it takes time. I also said I'm working as a better person. I want to grow. With or without him. Married or divorced. I told him we don't know the future, so whether we stay married or divorce someday, I want to come out of this as a better person who has learned something.

I was crying when I said it. I'm not a saint. But I do know I am more mature than he is. And he will lose out if I leave him. I know it sounds conceited but that's how I feel. Still, I'm working on me and will have zero expectations from him. 

I feel that I need to work on myself because if I can accept him as who he is and not rely on him to meet my needs, then I won't be hurt and I will always be happy, right? Like how southbound posted in the "why women leave men" thread. He was very contented and didn't need his x to fulfill anything. 

Sometimes I wonder if I have lost hope, or I am only being realistic? I do know when I finally let go and not feel mad about my H alcoholic and smoking behavior, I was lighter and happier. I do sometimes still wish he is healthier but I no longer get angry and resentful. 

This is why I'm still working on me, I love the feeling of not letting things affect me, it feels really good....


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

*Re: Re: Does my husband respect me?*



MEM11363 said:


> Canon,
> 
> This isn't easy stuff.
> 
> ...


M, it definitely isn't easy. I used to not ask and just talk to him when he is reading. But as time passes I learned to ask as what you mentioned. Sometimes he is ok, sometimes his response is "sure, you already did anyway." Lol. Sometimes I don't know if he is sarcastic or not. I never know when he is joking. When I showed him about the "why women leave men" thread on TAM, he asked me if I'm having an affair. I took that question seriously and replied him. I later found out he was joking, and he admitted he shouldn't have joked about it. I didn't find that funny anyway.


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

*Re: Re: Does my husband respect me?*



Anon Pink said:


> Canon, sometimes my mind works fast, particularly with concepts. My husbands mind is more concrete. When we talk, I feel like I'm miles ahead of him because I've mentally jumped from concept to concept. I used to get very impatient with him not following me. Because he want paying attention, Id lost him somewhere.
> 
> Then he started paying better attention and would stop me when I lost him. At first, I was irritated. But we turned it into a joke. "Dammit husband, why can't you hear my thoughts!"
> 
> ...


Please point out your views about how we disrespect each other. That could help me learn about me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Canon in D said:


> I feel that I need to work on myself because if I can accept him as who he is and not rely on him to meet my needs, then I won't be hurt and I will always be happy, right? Like how southbound posted in the "why women leave men" thread. He was very contented and didn't need his x to fulfill anything.


What needs of your husband's are you filling?

What needs of yours is he filling?

If you would, read the below webpages and then answer the questions to the best of your ability for both of you.

Emotional Needs Questionnaire

The Most Important Emotional Needs

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/enq.pdf


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

*Re: Re: Does my husband respect me?*



EleGirl said:


> What needs of your husband's are you filling?
> 
> What needs of yours is he filling?
> 
> ...


He always wanted a family or companionship, he is happy to be home and do his own thing. It's like he is just contented and happy he is not the only human being in this house. That's not what I thought I was getting into before marriage.

He says he likes affection but his style of affection is smack your ass in public (which I hate) and we used to argue because he said he was only playing. I get mad after telling him nicely once, twice, three times. But if I poke his butt in public he gets mad. lol. I found giving him back his own medicine is the best way to show him what he is doing to me. so I mirror him sometimes. We do not hold hands when we are out. Many a times he walks quicker than me. Sometimes he forgets I'm with him. He stopped smacking the butt btw. 

Conversation is what got me attracted to him. I like to discuss stuff. That's why I'm in forums. He loves to talk too but he normally end up in a heated discussion with people online so he stopped doing it. People sometimes get pissed off with him so he thinks online discussion is bad because you don't get to see expressions, and his friends wouldn't be mad if they were having a live discussion. He likes to have the last say.

I knew about marriage builders before I joined TAM. I printed the emotional questionnaire for him to do. I don't think he did it. I did it but it's been like a few years ago. 

My old lady friend said marriage is made out of needs, not love. I am beginning to understand and feel it is true. Love is conditional if we need our partner to fulfill our needs. But I can totally work on my needs and he will be redundant. so hypothetical if I decided to leave him, then it be an excellent example of "why women leave men" because he works, does his own thing, doesn't womanize, and he probably think I'm unreasonable for leaving without a good reason. But if I dont need him to fulfill any of those emotional needs, what's the use of him? I'm an independent woman. I enjoy my own company and can totally go to the movies on my own. I used to want a spouse to share my time with, now I'm adjusting to a focus on me zone.

To answer your question again, he isn't really fulfilling any of those needs. Other than conversation which I need to initiate and financial support. 

If I were to base on 5 love languages, he likes acts of services, and Words of affirmation. That's why even if I use "I" and voice my unhappiness he hears me criticizing him. He takes it personal.

Oh why are we humans so complicated? As I'm typing this on my phone now, he is singing. He sure is in a jolly good mood today. Lol.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He is happy with the marriage because you are meeting his needs.

Since he is happy, he thinks there are no problems. 

The bottom line is that he does not care if you are happy. It's all about him.


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

*Re: Re: Does my husband respect me?*



EleGirl said:


> He is happy with the marriage because you are meeting his needs.
> 
> Since he is happy, he thinks there are no problems.
> 
> The bottom line is that he does not care if you are happy. It's all about him.


I was wondering, I know many old people who live together and some sleep in separate rooms but they still live together. Are they being realistic that that's all about marriage? 

He is happy. But he is also going away for a few weeks soon, I've been wondering if that is why he is in such a jolly good mood.

He never admits to that but I see he is always in a good mood before he goes away. He has no friends where we live btw. He is always home as well, so going away may be a break for him. Idk.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Canon in D said:


> I was wondering, I know many old people who live together and some sleep in separate rooms but they still live together. Are they being realistic that that's all about marriage?


For some people just having someone around is all they need and want. There is nothing wrong with it if that's what they want. This does seem to often happen in old age when people feel that there are no other options open to them.





Canon in D said:


> He is happy. But he is also going away for a few weeks soon, I've been wondering if that is why he is in such a jolly good mood.
> 
> He never admits to that but I see he is always in a good mood before he goes away. He has no friends where we live btw. So he is always home as well.


Why is he going on trips for a few weeks without you?


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

I edited my last post. He is going away for work but he would also use the opportunity to see places with the people he works with. Or by himself. Just like what SA said in her other post, it's compatibility issues and I feel he is reluctant to see my view. Or he can't see my view. If you have seen that white and gold dress online, versus black and blue dress. It's probably that. Neither sides are wrong.


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

*Re: Re: Does my husband respect me?*



EleGirl said:


> For some people just having someone around is all they need and want. There is nothing wrong with it if that's what they want. This does seem to often happen in old age when people feel that there are no other options open to them.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I think that's all he really need. Someone around for company so the house doesn't feel empty.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Canon in D said:


> I think that's all he really need. Someone around for company so the house doesn't feel empty.


What other things do you do.. keep the house? cook? run errands for him? Oh and sex?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The affair question - that's not funny. 

First of all, I'm not so sure he WAS joking. My guess is that he was frightened by what you showed him and he responded with aggression. Hiding aggression behind humor isn't ok. 

And that is never a topic to joke about, especially in a struggling marriage. 

You are describing a marriage that isn't very healthy for you. 





Canon in D said:


> M, it definitely isn't easy. I used to not ask and just talk to him when he is reading. But as time passes I learned to ask as what you mentioned. Sometimes he is ok, sometimes his response is "sure, you already did anyway." Lol. Sometimes I don't know if he is sarcastic or not. I never know when he is joking. When I showed him about the "why women leave men" thread on TAM, he asked me if I'm having an affair. I took that question seriously and replied him. I later found out he was joking, and he admitted he shouldn't have joked about it. I didn't find that funny anyway.


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

*Re: Re: Does my husband respect me?*



EleGirl said:


> What other things do you do.. keep the house? cook? run errands for him? Oh and sex?


I cook, clean, we go groceries shopping together. I don't believe in rejecting sex unless we aren't talking. I won't need to reject anyway because when we argue he won't even touch me and talk only when he has too.

He doesn't really initiate sex. Sex is infrequent because he doesn't feel "sexy" from his alcohol and smoking. I'm also too busy to initiate unless my hormones are out of control. I think I have a higher drive than him. 

We had the discussion before, he knows it's him not me. He is the do not tell him he is fat kind of guy. He is very insecure with his body. No pinching his love handles too.


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

*Re: Re: Does my husband respect me?*



MEM11363 said:


> The affair question - that's not funny.
> 
> First of all, I'm not so sure he WAS joking. My guess is that he was frightened by what you showed him and he responded with aggression. Hiding aggression behind humor isn't ok.
> 
> ...


He won't agree that's aggression I can bet with you on that. I feel he avoids conflicts or think there will be conflict so he uses humor or sarcasm as a mask or excuse to voice his thoughts. But since he said it's a joke, I just accept it and didn't think further.

I used to think and analyze a lot, but now I just accept whatever he says and not analyze further. Right now I am still analyzing, but more for my own growth. And he's being told, I am working on me and I want to come out of this as a better person, with or without him, doesn't matter married or divorce.


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverelationships/a/Pass_Agg.htm I once told my H that he is constantly behaving in a passive aggressive manner by not being congruent with himself and says nothing's wrong when it's clear from his tone, voice and not saying good night etc after our conflicts. My gf told me more than once that he abuses me emotionally. I just googled passive aggressive and wonder if this is true and found this link.

Any experts in the house with passive aggressive who can perhaps give me some advice?


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

Dear ,

i am sorry to hear your suffering , Having you here means that you are willing to work on your issues.

The way you describe it however implies that he doesn't respect you really ; you are also over sensitive to his passive aggressivness ; if you were a cold woman , superficialy by nature you wouldn't have suffered a lot ....

I STRONGLY BELEIEVE THAT YOUR ARE NOT COMPATIBLE ; may be by some efforts you could approach a better situation , but this requires a lot of efforts from both of you .

From your side , you need to work on communication and your persuaaive methodology ; him on his listeneing and passive aggressiveness .

A great book to read is " Man are from mars, Women are from Venus".

i advise you to read it first , then try to enhance your marriage ; and ask him to share it with you ...

If you want to take my opinion , I advise you to set a plan where you try everything possible , and be firm that youy are giving chances ; at the end of a period like 6month to 1 year , you will be able to decide if it is worth it to continue .


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Canon in D said:


> He said sure he will do the same to the others at work but there won't be an opportunity for him to do so, so I said if his boss or subordinates were to walk in and talk to him while he was reading, would he actually interrupt them and says okokok (with an attitude)? He didn't respond to that.


Ok here is the thing. ARE you interrupting him with your requests vs waiting until he was done what he was doing? My boss would never just walk into my office and start talking to me without my being able to finish what I was doing.



> i asked my elderly female friend about this and was told it's my fault for interrupting him while he was reading.


I agree with her.



> She thought it was perfectly normal for him to be irritated and responded the way he did. She also thought he should be able to express himself (be it roll eyes, sigh, tilt head whatever that it is). I was also told I have high expectations, and I should step back and see it from my husband's point of view.
> 
> I understood what she said but I could not understand why it was okay to not expect respect from my husband. She said I shouldn't expect respect from anyone (including my husband) as that would make my life difficult. She mentioned I need to remember the phrase "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me."


You can "expect" all you want. What good does it do you? If I were annoyed at constant interruptions, I would be eye rolling and sighing too. Take the first step.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> The old lady has a point (most old folks have some useful information). Your guy is a man, not a woman. He's not mentally equipped to do five things at once. If you want his attention you have to give him time to mentally get out of wherever his head is and put it into his "talking with the wife" place. His mind is designed to handle information he can do something with. "Thing broke" = "I fix". If you give him a 20 paragraph recitation, he's filtering everything out that doesn't sound like something that requires action. It doesn't take us long to get mentally overwhelmed listening to women. Sorry if that sounds sexist. If you want a better response from him, tell him in advance that you want to talk with him after dinner or at some other predictable point and what you'd like to talk about. Before you talk to him, figure out what you would like him to do and then get to the point.
> I'm sure you aren't a bad person and he probably isn't, either. He's a guy and he has a guy brain. *His brain does one thing at a time. Your's is a female brain and was designed to do three things while thinking about 15 other things.* If he's reading or watching TV or thinking about work, he's not hearing you. It's not that he's deliberately disrespectful, it's that he has to work with the brain he was given. He also can't give birth. The face in the palm, eyes looking upward, sound like the face of frustration. He's literally lost because he hasn't heard 90% of what you've said and he doesn't know what he's supposed to say or do. He knows you're upset but he doesn't know why or what he can do to "fix" it (and because he's a guy, he believes he's supposed to fix it).
> His interrupting is rude but it might also his way of telling you he's been overloaded with information. He wants to get to the action instruction.
> Expectations are great but both of you have them and they both need to be reasonable. He can't reasonably expect you to tolerate signs of disrespect and you can't reasonably expect him to communicate like a woman. He needs to learn enough about female communications to be able to talk to you in a way you can understand and you need to learn enough about male communication to talk to him in ways he can handle.
> ...


I do think what you wrote IS very sexist and wholly untrue about men. I multitask all day long at work and find that I'm better, as are my male counterparts, at multitasking then women. Women tend to over complicate things. 

It is hard to listen to a woman's blather after a hard day at work. He isn't being disrespectful, just give him a chance to assess what needs to be done. It's hard to expect someone to remember a full 15 - 20 minutes of blather while try to sort through to the important couple of sentances.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> It is hard to listen to a woman's *blather *after a hard day at work. He isn't being disrespectful, just give him a chance to assess what needs to be done. It's hard to expect someone to remember a full 15 - 20 minutes of blather while try to sort through to the important couple of sentances.


Anyone who thinks their wife's words are "blather" probably has bigger problems to deal with ... like the fact that he doesn't, in fact, respect her. OP this one is not for you, I don't think.


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

*Re: Re: Does my husband respect me?*



Zouz said:


> Dear ,
> 
> i am sorry to hear your suffering , Having you here means that you are willing to work on your issues.
> 
> ...


Thank you, dear. I am trying. and no, telling him that I am giving him a chance will only make him mad. I agree, we are not compatible. But it's not up to him to change, it's me.


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

*Re: Re: Does my husband respect me?*



NobodySpecial said:


> Ok here is the thing. ARE you interrupting him with your requests vs waiting until he was done what he was doing? My boss would never just walk into my office and start talking to me without my being able to finish what I was doing.
> 
> 
> I agree with her.
> ...


That's why I told my husband I have zero expectations from him now. I expect nothing from him. I have also stopped waiting for him to fulfill my needs. I am working on fulfilling my needs on my own.

Life is easier that way. I also need to remember eye rolling is okay for some, but I'm not in that category.


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

*Re: Re: Does my husband respect me?*



jb02157 said:


> I do think what you wrote IS very sexist and wholly untrue about men. I multitask all day long at work and find that I'm better, as are my male counterparts, at multitasking then women. Women tend to over complicate things.
> 
> It is hard to listen to a woman's blather after a hard day at work. He isn't being disrespectful, just give him a chance to assess what needs to be done. It's hard to expect someone to remember a full 15 - 20 minutes of blather while try to sort through to the important couple of sentances.


Not sure who you were directly this at. 

I was trying to tell him it wasn't necessary to edit. that's not nonsensical talk. That's helping him to save time and go relax and do his own thing. Even though it won't take him more than a few minutes to read it.

As it is, he is already doing his own thing and I do mine. He is in another room and I in mine. And the longest time we spend together in a day is only during dinner time. I don't watch tv shows as regularly as he does, so he watches it on his own. See, he doesn't get to hear much blathering, not even if he wants to.


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

*Re: Re: Does my husband respect me?*



NobodySpecial said:


> Anyone who thinks their wife's words are "blather" probably has bigger problems to deal with ... like the fact that he doesn't, in fact, respect her. OP this one is not for you, I don't think.


I guess so long the subject is not of interest to him it's blathering. This just makes compatibility even more important. The problem is a couple can be compatible before marriage and change after. Some people change, and some were just pretending to be someone they weren't........


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Canon in D said*: I feel that I need to work on myself because if I can accept him as who he is and not rely on him to meet my needs, then I won't be hurt and I will always be happy, right? Like how southbound posted in the "why women leave men" thread. He was very contented and didn't need his x to fulfill anything.


 Oh goodness.. don't go by SOUTHBOUND.. he is the only person I have ever heard , on this forum, or off.. *that doesn't need any of the love languages*!!. ..He doesn't see the Big deal. He is high on Thinking/Logical... very low on romance.. doesn't understand the emotions of women, doesn't understand why some would want to share their day with each other... too much talking would be like an annoying DRIP to him...

You will never be a Southbound...unless you became NUMB to the person you are deep inside...the goodness there...what you are capable of giving/ sharing with another.. it shouldn't have to be beat down.. 

It just seems you 2 rub each other the wrong way.. BADLY...


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

*Re: Re: Does my husband respect me?*



SimplyAmorous said:


> Oh goodness.. don't go by SOUTHBOUND.. he is the only person I have ever heard , on this forum, or off.. *that doesn't need any of the love languages*!!. ..He doesn't see the Big deal. He is high on Thinking/Logical... very low on romance.. doesn't understand the emotions of women, doesn't understand why some would want to share their day with each other... too much talking would be like an annoying DRIP to him...
> 
> You will never be a Southbound...unless you became NUMB to the person you are deep inside...the goodness there...what you are capable of giving/ sharing with another.. it shouldn't have to be beat down..
> 
> It just seems you 2 rub each other the wrong way.. BADLY...


Now that you mentioned, my H is high on thinking and low on feeling. His form of defence mechanism I think. His family is not like Southbound.

I have noticed, so long I have no issues, my H is happy. But sometimes he has his moods and get cranky like it's his time of the month.

I still feel we are like roommates. Share a house, busy with our own thing, talk about what groceries we need to get, and life goes on. Any discussion is usually initiated by me, if not he is back to his computer and book outdoor smoking and drinking away.

I used to feel very upset but since I started working on myself, it's getting lesser and lesser to have to want or need him fulfill my needs. May be it's because I am busy so I don't need him around either, idk. But I'm not mad no more, or resentful no more. I supposed probably I got used to it and accepted that's how he is after deciding to work on me.

P.S. I think Southbound is a lucky person because he is a happy person in his own way. if we were to accept the others as how they are, wouldn't we all be contented and happy like Southbound?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> Your lady friend sounds a little "out there" to me.. although there is some truth to the "sticks & stones " saying.... I think that better applies to strangers.. ya know -not getting all bent out of shape over someone we may never see again, or even casual acquaintances..... but our SPOUSES...living with a bad attitude, being mean / cross / impatient, rolling eyes...and telling you to just Let him be...get used to it....her advice sounds so "communication avoidant"... to just suck it up and LIVE WITH IT.. to become NUMB to it.. is more what she seems to be offering you..


yeah, just wait until you see him being respectful and attentive to another woman. Your old lady friend won't appear quite as wise to you then.


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