# Tired of us being friends



## Hawaii50 (Jan 13, 2015)

It's taken me quite some time to get the nerve to ask advise about my marriage online.
Here it goes. I've been married to my husband for 11 yrs. There's been a lot of hurt & very little really good times in those years. At this point we keep living as friends & sharing bills. I don't know why we bother to sleep in the same bed since we never have sex any more. We've discussed separation & divorce many times, but haven't done it yet. We have no kids, we rent a house & have very few expenses. I've been in counseling myself on & off over the years. We tried couples counseling once & after around 4 months my husband felt we were doing well enough to stop going. I knew that it was too early to stop, but...We never went back. 
My history: depression on/off for yrs.; low self esteem at times, hard worker, continuing my college pt while working ft. My husband: loving, fun, has had a hard time keeping a job more than 2 yrs, possibly still using coke, wants to use meditation to possibly help with his problems. He owes me $ from not being able to keep up with his share of bills, said 2 yrs ago he doesn't want to have kids. For our anniversary of 11 yrs last year we said nothing to each other, no cards or gifts, we went to a crossfit class that night Neither of us wears wedding rings. I'm confused, sad, resentful, angry. Love him, but no longer in love?!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So why did you let him off the hook with the counseling?

C


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## Hawaii50 (Jan 13, 2015)

I can't make him go to counseling. He has to want to do it on his own. I've attempted over the past few yrs to get us to go again but he's not interested. I don't see the point of going by myself when the bulk of the problems are "ours", not just my own. He seems to think that going to meditate for 2 wks 2-3 x a year will help him overall (cocaine, marriage, life). It's a good start for one's inner peace/problems, but once one is back to work, etc it doesn't last long.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

What prevents him from holding a job for more than a couple of years?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You're absolutely right. You can't make him go to counseling, or quit using cocaine, or get a job, or anything. But what you can do is determine your boundaries and what you're willing to accept in a partner, and then enforce them. He's free to use cocaine, but you're free to decide that you can't be in a relationship with someone who uses illegal drugs and wastes up his money and life on them. He's free to give up on counseling, but you're free to decide you want to be in a relationship with someone who wants to do the work required for a healthy marriage.

You not standing up for yourself is one of the reasons you're in the situation you're in right now. If you had, it might not have resulted in you being in a halthy relationship with HIM. But if not, it would have removed you from this unhealthy relationship, free to be happy on your own or with someone else.

Have you done individual counseling to figure out why you've been willing to tolerate this situation for so long? Codependency is the first thing that comes to mind, but there may be other things as well. 

The problem here isn't him and his behaviour. As you said yourself, you can't change him. Your problem is you, and why you chose to accept such a minimal existence when you deserve so much more.

C


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Its been 11 years, that is a long time to be in a situation where you are unhappy. You have tried to make things better, been to counseling, etc...you have no children together holding you there. Give yourself permission to end this and go find a happier life.


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## Hawaii50 (Jan 13, 2015)

To answer Commonsenseisn't question. My husband got hired Jan.'14 at a company that moved locations & had new owners. The company wasn't able to generate enough new doctors/$$. They began reducing hours for everyone except technicians. My husband does g. design, so his were cut also. Then before Thanksgiving they said they had to shut down due to financial losses & 2 of 4 owners stealing $ from the company. No unemployment since everyone was an indep. contractor. The job before this he stayed with another small company for nearly 2 yrs but he found out about this most recent job from a referral & left. That owner was an ass and also hired only indep. contractors. These aren't my husbands fault, but he tends to get jobs that don't last long.

PBear & 3Xnocharm. Thanks for the feedback. I've heard this from a therapist earlier this year when I went in for 3 sessions free from my job, & from indiv. therapy yrs ago. I know I HAD been somewhat codependent & had excepted things for quite awhile. I've been proactive in the past couple of yrs to say what I will/won't accept with the relationship. He understands that we have marriage that really isn't one. He feels we're still trying to make things work & he's doing better himself overall. My trust issues make it harder, & he has said he knows that. I've said that I want a better relationship with a man that has the things I want out of life. He's accepted that, but it's seems that we're still just sharing bills. We had already agreed to move into this new house since it had 3 b.rooms & I could just sleep in one, he the other. There's a few fun things here & there, a few quick kisses, which all of this makes it a weird marriage. I haven't being seeing anyone else, & I assume neither has he.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense, but if this is you being "more vocal" (my paraphrase) of what you're willing to accept in a relationship, I can't imagine what you were like before. When it came time to move, why didn't you just move into your own places, and see if there was a desire to get back together?

Where does the "possible cocaine use" allegations come from? Why do you suspect that? And if someone has a continued history of short term employment, it IS there fault, to a significant degree (often). Reminds me of the mother of a friend of mine... She was very proud of her "perfect driving record"... Been in 24 accidents, but none of them were ever her fault. At some point, you have to start making better decisions...

You could try "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay", and see if it helps with your decision making process.

C


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## Hawaii50 (Jan 13, 2015)

In our 2nd yr of marriage I had an abortion since we both had just gotten decent ft jobs & had debt to pay. His family is in Europe, most of mine is out of state or deceased. No solid support system. We both felt that maybe we should wait until things got a lot better, then have 1 child. 
Things went downhill & cocaine use started for him by our 3rd yr of marriage. It hasn't been crappy the entire 11 yrs. I didn't recognize it right away, but began to see/understand the signs & $ loss. Once I said I wanted divorce, he went to NA, then stopped after a couple of months. He got no other help & tried/failed on his own. We both know that we need to move on.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So if he hasn't been working since November, have you seen signs of cocaine usage again? Have you talked to him about it? If you have the only source of money coming in, it seems that you're in a good position to monitor the family finances...

C


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## Hawaii50 (Jan 13, 2015)

PBear said:


> No offense, but if this is you being "more vocal" (my paraphrase) of what you're willing to accept in a relationship, I can't imagine what you were like before. When it came time to move, why didn't you just move into your own places, and see if there was a desire to get back together?
> 
> Where does the "possible cocaine use" allegations come from? Why do you suspect that? And if someone has a continued history of short term employment, it IS there fault, to a significant degree (often). Reminds me of the mother of a friend of mine... She was very proud of her "perfect driving record"... Been in 24 accidents, but none of them were ever her fault. At some point, you have to start making better decisions...
> 
> ...


Before I was the same: a bit happy, but angry, depressed about the marriage, but thought it was going in a positive direction again.
Neither of us really had enough $ to move on our own into a new place, and at the time, he said that he wasn't "using" & was working nearly ft. I could've asked my father for a loan for security deposit for a new place, but I have 2 dogs & was use to being in a house with my musical gear/stuff. I think now that we should have gotten our own spots despite what we're used to, but this house is month to month now, so we're not locked in to a yr contract. We made sure of this before signing the lease if we needed to separate.

It seems that he was doing well, then he admitted last summer he was still using once in awhile after I confronted him. While cleaning a trash basket in his office, I found the used baggies/tissues in his room. I went ballistic/screaming, etc. I had to leave the house for several hrs to not want to hit him/break stuff. I've seen these baggies/residue in the past, so it's not alleged. 

I will check out the book you suggested. Thank you very much.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

People grow apart, it does not sound like a loving and happy marriage. I'm sorry you are in this situation.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

For me, the drug use would be a deal breaker. But I'm not you.

So what's he been doing with his time, since he's not employed? How is he paying for his share of things?

C


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## Hawaii50 (Jan 13, 2015)

PBear said:


> So if he hasn't been working since November, have you seen signs of cocaine usage again? Have you talked to him about it? If you have the only source of money coming in, it seems that you're in a good position to monitor the family finances...
> 
> C


He had gotten a few side jobs with graphic design where he gets cash since Nov. which is good. He also got a loan from an old Euro bank acct where is uncle works to cover rent for two months, pay me back a bit, & take a class to update his job skills; so he has had some $. He finished the course & hopes new skills will get him a better $ job soon. I told him he has to get any job, not just look for something g. design. He said he knows that & will do so. I didn't see the check/loan from Europe, so I don't really know Exactly how much $ he got... But side jobs are irregular & at times, people pay him late despite knowing he's out of work.

I'm not sure if he's used some of that $ for coke. I know some of his old signs of use: staying up until 3-5am, tired looking, not eating, hyper, but I'm not really sure if I see it now since he's home all day while I'm at work. I wish the dogs could tell me :scratchhead: lol. He has been cleaning, gardening, cooking once in awhile, & working with his friend to help him code his new website for g.design. Honestly I think he may be using a bit, but just not recently due to $ issues.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

Hawaii50 said:


> He had gotten a few side jobs with graphic design where he gets cash since Nov. which is good. He also got a loan from an old Euro bank acct where is uncle works to cover rent for two months, pay me back a bit, & take a class to update his job skills; so he has had some $. He finished the course & hopes new skills will get him a better $ job soon. I told him he has to get any job, not just look for something g. design. He said he knows that & will do so. I didn't see the check/loan from Europe, so I don't really know Exactly how much $ he got... But side jobs are irregular & at times, people pay him late despite knowing he's out of work.
> 
> I'm not sure if he's used some of that $ for coke. I know some of his old signs of use: staying up until 3-5am, tired looking, not eating, hyper, but I'm not really sure if I see it now since he's home all day while I'm at work. I wish the dogs could tell me :scratchhead: lol. He has been cleaning, gardening, cooking once in awhile, & working with his friend to help him code his new website for g.design. Honestly I think he may be using a bit, but just not recently due to $ issues.


So where do you see things going? Coke is not a recreational drug...how bad do things need to get for you?


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## Hawaii50 (Jan 13, 2015)

Observer said:


> So where do you see things going? Coke is not a recreational drug...how bad do things need to get for you?


I honestly don't know but I'm willing to read a couple of books that have been suggested to me to start. I'm not waiting for him to hit rock bottom & selling all his belongings, or being homeless to make a move. Yet neither of us has made a move to live separate, rather we just keep "living" until who knows what... Us living like best friends won't last much longer I'm sure. One of us will eventually find someone that they feel may be a better fit overall. I'm not actively looking for another man, but...

His coke started as a recreational drug with his friends that he was in a band with a few yrs back. He's no longer in that band. It was just maybe 1x wk, or at a concert. It became an addiction for whatever reasons. Then it grew to him using anytime, whether with friends or alone.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Hawaii50 said:


> His coke started as a recreational drug with his friends that he was in a band with a few yrs back. He's no longer in that band. It was just maybe 1x wk, or at a concert. It became an addiction for whatever reasons. Then it grew to him using anytime, whether with friends or alone.


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