# I Need An Objective Opinion



## JustTired

A quick background: I am Puerto Rican and my husband is black, we have a 3 year old daughter together. My daughter goes to a local preschool/daycare center that is black owned & most of the children attending (like 90%) & employees are also black.

On Saturday, we were heading out the door to hang out with my brother & my niece. As we were walking I happen to pick some dog hair out of my daughter's hair. Then, the following conversation ensued:

3 year old: Mommy, do you like my hair?
Me: Yes, I love your hair!
3 year old: My hair is curly?
Me: Yes it is!
3 year old: Miss Kelly said I have good hair.
Me: Everyone has good hair, all hair is beautiful.

The person that my daughter was referring to is her preschool/daycare teacher. I was a bit perturbed at the fact that her daycare teacher made such a comment so openly. I am raising my daughter to appreciate her natural hair and also appreciate different kinds of hair textures. I truly believe there is no such thing as "good hair", hair is hair. One type of hair is not better than the other. 

I really want to speak to the director of the daycare, who is also black, about this incident. Not because someone said my daughter has "good hair" but what upsets me most is if another child overheard that comment. I hate the thought of little girls not thinking they are pretty enough or good enough simply because they believe their hair texture is not considered "good". I also don't want my daughter growing up thinking she is _better_ because her hair is considered "good". To me, the term "good hair" can perpetuate negative self image & doesn't help with self esteem or self acceptance.

When I told my husband about this conversation, he shook his head & said, "Ugh, those ignorant people at that daycare". I am very sensitive about this because I also come from a culture where they also use the terminology "good hair"/"bad hair". My sister & I have totally different hair textures & growing up I used to hear my sister complain about how much she hated her thick curly hair. My sister's disdain for her own natural hair trickled down to her daughter, who also hates her own thick curly hair today. Growing up, my family always commented on my hair being "good" which gave my sister a serious complex about her own hair. 

What do you think? Is it worth bringing this up? I am seriously bothered by this.


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## richardsharpe

Good evening JustTired
If the teacher is telling ALL the kids that they have good hair, then that is fine. If she is singling out some, then that might be a problem. It may not have occurred to her, so maybe approach this politely at first.



JustTired said:


> A quick background: I am Puerto Rican and my husband is black, we have a 3 year old daughter together. My daughter goes to a local preschool/daycare center that is black owned & most of the children attending (like 90%) & employees are also black.
> 
> On Saturday, we were heading out the door to hang out with my brother & my niece. As we were walking I happen to pick some dog hair out of my daughter's hair. Then, the following conversation ensued:
> 
> 3 year old: Mommy, do you like my hair?
> Me: Yes, I love your hair!
> 3 year old: My hair is curly?
> Me: Yes it is!
> 3 year old: Miss Kelly said I have good hair.
> Me: Everyone has good hair, all hair is beautiful.
> 
> The person that my daughter was referring to is her preschool/daycare teacher. I was a bit perturbed at the fact that her daycare teacher made such a comment so openly. I am raising my daughter to appreciate her natural hair and also appreciate different kinds of hair textures. I truly believe there is no such thing as "good hair", hair is hair. One type of hair is not better than the other.
> 
> I really want to speak to the director of the daycare, who is also black, about this incident. Not because someone said my daughter has "good hair" but what upsets me most is if another child overheard that comment. I hate the thought of little girls not thinking they are pretty enough or good enough simply because they believe their hair texture is not considered "good". I also don't want my daughter growing up thinking she is _better_ because her hair is considered "good". To me, the term "good hair" can perpetuate negative self image & doesn't help with self esteem or self acceptance.
> 
> When I told my husband about this conversation, he shook his head & said, "Ugh, those ignorant people at that daycare". I am very sensitive about this because I also come from a culture where they also use the terminology "good hair"/"bad hair". My sister & I have totally different hair textures & growing up I used to hear my sister complain about how much she hated her thick curly hair. My sister's disdain for her own natural hair trickled down to her daughter, who also hates her own thick curly hair today. Growing up, my family always commented on my hair being "good" which gave my sister a serious complex about her own hair.
> 
> What do you think? Is it worth bringing this up? I am seriously bothered by this.


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## JustTired

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening JustTired
> If the teacher is telling ALL the kids that they have good hair, then that is fine. If she is singling out some, then that might be a problem. It may not have occurred to her, so maybe approach this politely at first.


Yeah, true. I am not sure if she was singling out some kids or if she told ALL kids that they have good hair. I don't plan on going there on a rampage (LOL), but I do plan on saying something. It really gave me flashback of my own childhood which is why it sparked such emotion from me.


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## PBear

Honestly, it seems like an overreaction to me. What, nobody can compliment a child anymore because it might offend other children or something?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustTired

PBear said:


> Honestly, it seems like an overreaction to me. What, nobody can compliment a child anymore because it might offend other children or something?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, because I lived it & I know what it feels like I am sensitive about it. I saw first hand what that specific "compliment" can affect how a child feels about themselves.


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## PBear

JustTired said:


> Well, because I lived it & I know what it feels like I am sensitive about it. I saw first hand what that specific "compliment" can affect how a child feels about themselves.


Carry on, then. Sorry if my "objective opinion" didn't match what you were wanting to hear. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam

I also think it's a bit of an overreaction.


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## JustTired

PBear said:


> Carry on, then. Sorry if my "objective opinion" didn't match what you were wanting to hear.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was just explaining why it sparked such a strong emotion out of me. I haven't talked to anyone at the daycare about it & I may just let it go for now. I don't know how it was said or if anyone else heard it. Thanks for your "objective opinion" anyways.


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## PBear

Would it have made a difference if the teacher said "nice hair" instead of "good hair"?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustTired

PBear said:


> Would it have made a difference if the teacher said "nice hair" instead of "good hair"?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, I do believe that's what bothered me the most. I think that is the nail on the head. If they would've said something like "Oh, your pony tails are pretty" or "your hair looks nice today"...that wouldn't bother me.


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## PBear

Is it possible your daughter "mis-quoted" her teacher?

I think you've done what you should have done, as far as your daughter is concerned. Make sure she knows that hair is just hair. There is no "good or bad" hair, although my SO might disagree some mornings when her's isn't behaving. As far as speaking to someone at the school... If you felt the need to, I'd start by talking to the teacher directly. Try to understand what was said and in what context. I wouldn't go trying to get someone raked over the coals based on a single comment second hand through the ears of a three year old, though. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustTired

PBear said:


> Is it possible your daughter "mis-quoted" her teacher?
> 
> I think you've done what you should have done, as far as your daughter is concerned. Make sure she knows that hair is just hair. There is no "good or bad" hair, although my SO might disagree some mornings when her's isn't behaving. As far as speaking to someone at the school... If you felt the need to, I'd start by talking to the teacher directly. Try to understand what was said and in what context. I wouldn't go trying to get someone raked over the coals based on a single comment second hand through the ears of a three year old, though.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Very true, I don't what context or how it was said.


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## ConanHub

I think it could be a visceral reaction because of your personal pain, witch is not unimportant, but not a serious issue for others.

I have made plenty of mistakes and over-reactions because of my own personal pain. My pain was important but the situations where I over-reacted never warranted such a response.

I think it could be handled by just talking through your feelings with your husband and, on a lighter level, with your daughter.

Our feelings are extremely important but not in the sense that we should always act on them.

Best wishes.


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## JustTired

ConanHub said:


> I think it could be a visceral reaction because of your personal pain, witch is not unimportant, but not a serious issue for others.
> 
> I have made plenty of mistakes and over-reactions because of my own personal pain. My pain was important but the situations where I over-reacted never warranted such a response.
> 
> I think it could be handled by just talking through your feelings with your husband and, on a lighter level, with your daughter.
> 
> Our feelings are extremely important but not in the sense that we should always act on them.
> 
> Best wishes.


Yes, I think my initial reaction was a knee jerk one. You are so right.


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## Blossom Leigh

This does feel like a bit of projection from your past onto your daughter. With respect... since I know how painful triggers from our past can be.


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## SurpriseMyself

I'm thinking some of the posters may not understand what a statement like that can mean within the black community. If you do, then you will understand the OP's response to it.


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## Blossom Leigh

Its understood


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## JustTired

Blossom Leigh said:


> This does feel like a bit of projection from your past onto your daughter. With respect... since I know how painful triggers from our past can be.


You are absolutely right. It really triggered me. I did speak to her teacher about it, but I didn't even have to bring it up. She used the term again in front of me when she was complimenting the way I did my daughter's hair. So I just smiled & said that all hair is good.


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## Blossom Leigh

Sounds like you have really good self awareness over it


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## JustTired

Blossom Leigh said:


> Sounds like you have really good self awareness over it


Yeah, years of therapy certainly helps!


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## NextTimeAround

ebp123 said:


> I'm thinking some of the posters may not understand what a statement like that can mean within the black community. If you do, then you will understand the OP's response to it.


I do and I don't........ Her daughter is at least on the positive end of this divide. And being black, I had to deal with it, too. Despite the fact that I was in the "good hair" camp, it was never enough ie"We're just trying to bring the best out of you."

JustTired, my concerns in your situation is that maybe the teacher might play favorites as a result of "this divide." and your daughter could be on either side of it. And perhaps some of her classmates might become resentful. The other is that you don't want your daughter growing up a bit arrogant because she has the looks that others strive for. 

A lot of this is still in your hands. Good luck.


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## JustTired

NextTimeAround said:


> JustTired, my concerns in your situation is that maybe the teacher might play favorites as a result of "this divide." and your daughter could be on either side of it. And perhaps some of her classmates might become resentful. The other is that you don't want your daughter growing up a bit arrogant because she has the looks that others strive for.
> 
> A lot of this is still in your hands. Good luck.


These are my concerns as well. Which is why I was quite upset. My husband and I do our best and I guess that's all we can strive for. I can't control what others do, but I can control what I do & teach my daughter.


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## Lon

Forgive my ignorance, but what does race have to do with any of this?

To me this sounds like a mountain of a molehill, and its barely a molehill, so I would certainly appreciate someone taking the time to explain why "good hair" is a racial stereotype??


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## FrenchFry

I would have had the same knee-jerk reaction. I've had many instances where I want to whack someone on the head for using "good hair" terminology but restrained myself.  

I get where you are coming from, but since our kids are going to encounter it, the best thing you can do is have tons of reinforcement at home that "all hair is good hair." If you have friends with all kids of hair and they are cool with it, let your daughter play with their hair while they say why they like it. 

We can't change the people they encounter but we can direct their minds in a different direction.


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## FrenchFry

So you don't have to watch the documentary:

Good Hair (film) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## SpinDaddy

JustTired said:


> A quick background: I am Puerto Rican and my husband is black, we have a 3 year old daughter together. My daughter goes to a local preschool/daycare center that is black owned & most of the children attending (like 90%) & employees are also black.
> 
> On Saturday, we were heading out the door to hang out with my brother & my niece. As we were walking I happen to pick some dog hair out of my daughter's hair. Then, the following conversation ensued:
> 
> 3 year old: Mommy, do you like my hair?
> Me: Yes, I love your hair!
> 3 year old: My hair is curly?
> Me: Yes it is!
> 3 year old: Miss Kelly said I have good hair.
> Me: Everyone has good hair, all hair is beautiful.
> 
> The person that my daughter was referring to is her preschool/daycare teacher. I was a bit perturbed at the fact that her daycare teacher made such a comment so openly. I am raising my daughter to appreciate her natural hair and also appreciate different kinds of hair textures. I truly believe there is no such thing as "good hair", hair is hair. One type of hair is not better than the other.
> 
> I really want to speak to the director of the daycare, who is also black, about this incident. Not because someone said my daughter has "good hair" but what upsets me most is if another child overheard that comment. I hate the thought of little girls not thinking they are pretty enough or good enough simply because they believe their hair texture is not considered "good". I also don't want my daughter growing up thinking she is _better_ because her hair is considered "good". To me, the term "good hair" can perpetuate negative self image & doesn't help with self esteem or self acceptance.
> 
> When I told my husband about this conversation, he shook his head & said, "Ugh, those ignorant people at that daycare". I am very sensitive about this because I also come from a culture where they also use the terminology "good hair"/"bad hair". My sister & I have totally different hair textures & growing up I used to hear my sister complain about how much she hated her thick curly hair. My sister's disdain for her own natural hair trickled down to her daughter, who also hates her own thick curly hair today. Growing up, my family always commented on my hair being "good" which gave my sister a serious complex about her own hair.
> 
> What do you think? Is it worth bringing this up? I am seriously bothered by this.


Ahhh, the old pelo bueno/pelo malo issue. I lived in the Caribbean for a number of years and as a 6 ft. tall white guy with red hair you can imagine the commotion when I was at the barber shop – particularly out in the campo.

Let’s hope (and it might be worth mentioning to him/her) the teacher is positively reinforcing all the children’s physical attributes. Also bear in mind, if the teacher is not AA or Latin he/she may have no idea or understanding of this.

OTOH, it’s almost an innocuous comment within Central American/Caribbean culture. Similar in how the detail of a person’s skin tone is described.

I once explained it this way – in Alaska it snows almost year-round and the Eskimos have about 250 words describing different types of snow. In the Caribbean, all the races and cultures of the world have intermixed and they have about 250 words describing the resulting racial mixes.

But yes I completely understand where you’re coming from and I think it’s worth calmly acting upon.


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## JustTired

SpinDaddy said:


> Also bear in mind, if the teacher is not AA or Latin he/she may have no idea or understanding of this.


Her teacher is black, so I am sure she is fully aware of what she said. Which is why it bothered me even more. You know?

You are so right that in PR they say "pelo bueno" or "pelo malo" without batting an eye. But I also saw first hand the "complejos" my sister had about her hair. :-( So I am very sensitive about that because I want my daughter to have a strong sense of self acceptance.


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## Tommy518

I agree with most of the other posters. Seems like an over reaction. You have to be careful that as a parent, you don't pass your insecurities and (over)sensitivities down to your children. You don't know for sure what the context or situation was and I doubt the teacher meant anything by this. It sounds like maybe you're looking for something to be offended about, to be honest. Sounds like a well intended and harmless compliment to me.


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## AnnieAsh

I'm cringing because I know exactly what you're feeling. I've had black women tell my girls they have good hair. I've even had them ask me if I deliberately married my husband so my kids would be mixed and therefore more beautiful. Their father is white and I'm black. 

On the other hand, one desperately wants long straight blond hair which she'll never have. We live in an upper middle class suburb that is pretty mixed but there are tons of Californian blondes around. 

There's a lot of self hatred WITHIN our races that, IMHO, is way bigger than any racism we encounter from white people. Straight hair/light skin is good. Thick curly hair/dark skin is bad/ugly. 

I'd explain to your daughter that every hair texture is gorgeous and special. I'd even compliment "typically black" hair. It is what I try to do with my daughter's. I show pictures of my mother's 'fro from back in the day and exclaim how pretty her hair was (it WAS.) 

It would be horrible for her to believe that only one type of hair was beautiful.


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## Anonymous07

JustTired said:


> Her teacher is black, so I am sure she is fully aware of what she said. Which is why it bothered me even more. You know?
> 
> You are so right that in PR they say "pelo bueno" or "pelo malo" without batting an eye. But I also saw first hand the "complejos" my sister had about her hair. :-( So I am very sensitive about that because I want my daughter to have a strong sense of self acceptance.


Unfortunately, you can't protect your children from everything and you have to be the one to teach her how to have a strong sense of self. You have to be careful as a parent that you don't pass on your insecurities to your children. The comment may have bothered you, but I doubt your daughter had the same reaction. She doesn't see the world the same we we do as adults. 

The best thing you can do is to keep teaching her at home about how everyone is beautiful. I wouldn't bother trying to correct her teacher or anyone else who makes a random comment(don't waste your time). You can talk to your daughter about all of the different hair types, skin colors, eye colors, and so on. Teach her that every person is unique and beautiful in their own way. 

In college, I was a nanny to 2 young girls and I always made sure that they were accepting of everyone. We talked a lot about beauty in everyone/everything. The girls were half Asain half white and they looked different(one looking more Asian, the younger sister looking more white). Both were/are beautiful. The girl at the playground with crazy curly hair in a wheel chair is beautiful and the girl with cornrows is beautiful, too. The girls have been really confident over the years and I was so proud of them as I watched them stand up to another little girl who was bullying a different girl who had a large scar on her face. The youngest told her she was pretty.

Kids learn a lot by example, so how you act/react to situations will teach your daughter how to act the same. Learn to take certain comments with a grain of salt and then move on. Your daughter is learning from you now, so show her how to handle situations and be happy with who she is.


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## FrenchFry

> I've had black women tell my girls they have good hair. I've even had them ask me if I deliberately married my husband so my kids would be mixed and therefore more beautiful. Their father is white and I'm black.


ME TOO. Good gravy, that is awkward.


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## JustTired

AnnieAsh said:


> *There's a lot of self hatred WITHIN our races that, IMHO, is way bigger than any racism we encounter from white people. Straight hair/light skin is good. Thick curly hair/dark skin is bad/ugly. *


OMG, yes!!! This is why I am hyper sensitive about making sure my daughter has a healthy sense of self acceptance. My sister & I both have half black daughters. When my niece (who is now 12) was born, my sister had a serious talk with our mother about saying dumb a$$ things like "pelo bueno" (good hair). The good thing is that my parents understood & are now _reformed_. 

We always make it a point to talk about how everyone has beautiful hair because it's different. My daughter already sees all kinds of hair types because her immediate family is so diverse. 

I know some people thought I was being ridiculous because a small comment incited such a strong reaction out of me. I too have lived the self-hate that Puerto Ricans have against one another & it was like PTSD - I had a bum rush of emotions.

For the record, I didn't go off on the teacher or complain to the director. The teacher happen to make the same comment to me the next day & I simply smiled at her & said, "All hair is good". I think she got my point because she quickly agreed with me & seemed a bit sheepish afterwards.

I do appreciate everyone's comments & experiences. It helped me put the situation into perspective. It doesn't mean I may not cringe internally because I am quite positive something else may come up - life happens & I can't control what others do. It's all good, though!:smthumbup:


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