# How many wives are in sexless marriage?



## Mary L

I have so many issues in my marriage, but I think this is the largest one.
My husband has never had a huge sex drive. Even in his 20's, once or twice a week was fine.
I had a full time job plus home schooled our kids. I did everything with the home and with the kids. You name it, I did it.
He does work full time also, but felt I was overly "picky" about the home and kids, so refused to enter my standards.
Thats a HUGE topic for another day.

As time has went on, we just don't have sex often. He says he loves me. I get a hug about once a day, and most days a quick kiss when he gets home or as we are going to bed. He tells me he loves me. He's thankful for me. I feel like we are great "friends".

It's the lack of connection that is killing me. He has never really engaged in sex, but now his lack of wanting sex is my fault because I was "always too busy when the kids were little". Which is not true! Even if it was, do you think 4 years of your wife trying to jump you would cure that?

I know he isn't having an affair. We are very close in many ways. I know all of his passwords, the man can barely navigate Facebook. We share our location. He's not hiding anything.

I have tried to talk to him. I have tried to explain to him how this makes me feel. I know he struggles with ED. I have told him that we can just "play around", zero expectations. I just want to be close to him. Feel him touch me. (sorry, is this too personal?) I'm new here, so I don't know how graphic you all get. 

I feel ugly. I have gained 40 pounds over the years birthing children. The lack of intimacy doesn't make me feel attractive, thats for sure. Its hurtful, lonely and frustrating. I have tried so many times to talk to him. He doesn't get it, because he doesn't see a problem. "I can only do what I can do" he says. And again I say "its about US, not sex."

It's as if he just won't put effort into it, and when I get hurt and cant take the distance anymore, we fight. I make him feel as if he can't ever do enough for me.

I started logging in my calendar any time he is flirty, romantic, initiates sex (I simply won't anymore. It hurts too much to always be pushed aside)
*In the last year we have went on zero dates. Which isn't new. He's never, ever "dated" me. (I have also asked for this for about 10 years)
*In the last year he has flirted with me zero times, again... not really new
*In the last year we have been intimate in bed, without sex, zero times... not new, but I have asked for this numerous times!
*In the last year we have had sex 5 times. twice didn't work out too well, which is fine!


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## Mr. Nail

I think you should give your husband to my wife. She has earned him.
I'll be happy to stand in solidarity with you. I know precisely where you are coming from. (except I get 4 times as much sex).
You said, "do you think 4 years of your wife trying to jump you would cure that? "
In my case the trouble is that one single time of my wife initiating sex with me cures all the hurt and suspicion I have stored up for 6 months. I just forget it all.
I hope that at some point he gives you the chance to see if you react the same way. I know that if Mrs. Nail didn't initiate every other month or so, I wouldn't be able to stay as long as you have.
MN
PS I don't usually reply in the ladies lounge, but your question was so well written.


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## Mary L

Mr. Nail said:


> I think you should give your husband to my wife. She has earned him.
> I'll be happy to stand in solidarity with you. I know precisely where you are coming from. (except I get 4 times as much sex).
> You said, "do you think 4 years of your wife trying to jump you would cure that? "
> In my case the trouble is that one single time of my wife initiating sex with me cures all the hurt and suspicion I have stored up for 6 months. I just forget it all.
> I hope that at some point he gives you the chance to see if you react the same way. I know that if Mrs. Nail didn't initiate every other month or so, I wouldn't be able to stay as long as you have.
> MN
> PS I don't usually reply in the ladies lounge, but your question was so well written.


Well, thank you. I just went back and edited a gazillion typos! 
If he would just pay attention to me, stop making me feel like what I feel and think isn't valuable... I would be putty in his hands. I love him, even after how he has treated me. I want this to work. I feel I have tried everything and at this point I just need a platform to vent when I'm frustrated, continue to heal and grow, and just be happy to be in a sexless marriage with good friend. :/ Each day sadly gets easier.


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## Mr. Nail

Technically, sexless is 10 or less times per year.
So "Technically" I've never lived in a sexless marriage. Somehow we catch up before the end of the year. 
But I don't think anyone is truely (Technically?) happy in a sexless marriage. 
I don't think keeping track for a year made you any happier. I know it doesn't help me. But, damnit, you need to know where you technically stand. 
I agree that you can be much happier if he would make some small changes. I don't know how to make a person change who they are.


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## Mr.Married

A friend of my wife is in your position. She is completely miserable.


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## Lostinthought61

It just shows that in most relationships, one person is living in mostly a sexless marriage and are miserable....I’d say welcome to the club but it’s not a club we are thrilled to be in. Remember you are not the problem, I know it’s hard to digest that but you are not the problem Mary


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## Mary L

Mary L said:


> Well, thank you. I just went back and edited a gazillion typos!
> If he would just pay attention to me, stop making me feel like what I feel and think isn't valuable... I would be putty in his hands. I love him, even after how he has treated me. I want this to work. I feel I have tried everything and at this point I just need a platform to vent when I'm frustrated, continue to heal and grow, and just be happy to be in a sexless marriage with good friend. :/ Each day sadly gets easier.





Mr. Nail said:


> I don't think keeping track for a year made you any happier. I know it doesn't help me. But, damnit, you need to know where you technically stand.


I think that was exactly it for me. I think I just needed to see it laid out. 
i needed the “facts” in order to process this.


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## JustTheWife

You're not alone here. Not entirely sexless but usually less than twice a month. Feel so unwanted.


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## Cup of Tea

*Waves hand in the air* 
I am and it is miserable!! 

I figured we'd settle into a comfortable rut, but I never thought it would end up like this. Over the last 2 years I have come to absolutely detest intercourse. It used to be mutually pleasurable, then it kind of evolved into a chore as he got too big to do much, then it just got worse and worse. Now his junk is sadly almost completely enveloped in fat and doesn't work most of the time anyway. His diabetes diagnosis last year didn't come as a shock. 

I am pretty much a nun at this point. Sex is pleasurless, painful at times, and I avoid it like the plague. He refuses to address his weight problem, which would fix a whole host of other problems! This isn't our only issue, but its a big one for sure. I do love the guy with all my heart, but god I would kill to be able to have basic PIV intercourse without worrying about about suffocating. And him having bigger boobs than me kind of dries me up, figuratively. Sadly, I've contacted an attorney and have started to look at dividing our assets.


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## Mary L

Lostinthought61 said:


> It just shows that in most relationships, one person is living in mostly a sexless marriage and are miserable....I’d say welcome to the club but it’s not a club we are thrilled to be in. Remember you are not the problem, I know it’s hard to digest that but you are not the problem Mary


I keep telling myself that. In my head I know it, but in my heart/emotionally... I struggle. 
I keep thinking I will find that certain thing to say, article to share, something that will get through. 
And ya, this isn’t a fun club. I would rather be in just about any other club!


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## Mary L

Mr.Married said:


> A friend of my wife is in your position. She is completely miserable.


I am too. But I still feel there is an answer!! Somewhere... maybe. Hopefully.


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## Mary L

JustTheWife said:


> You're not alone here. Not entirely sexless but usually less than twice a month. Feel so unwanted.


I do too! He can "say" a thousand times he loves me, but I need him to "show" me! And it doesn't have to be the act of sex, just act like to crave me once in a while, want me... something! lol


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## Mary L

Cup of Tea said:


> *Waves hand in the air*
> I am and it is miserable!!
> 
> I figured we'd settle into a comfortable rut, but I never thought it would end up like this. Over the last 2 years I have come to absolutely detest intercourse. It used to be mutually pleasurable, then it kind of evolved into a chore as he got too big to do much, then it just got worse and worse. Now his junk is sadly almost completely enveloped in fat and doesn't work most of the time anyway. His diabetes diagnosis last year didn't come as a shock.
> 
> I am pretty much a nun at this point. Sex is pleasurless, painful at times, and I avoid it like the plague. He refuses to address his weight problem, which would fix a whole host of other problems! This isn't our only issue, but its a big one for sure. I do love the guy with all my heart, but god I would kill to be able to have basic PIV intercourse without worrying about about suffocating. And him having bigger boobs than me kind of dries me up, figuratively. Sadly, I've contacted an attorney and have started to look at dividing our assets.


I'm sorry, that does sound difficult! I often think, this mess would be so much easier if I didnt love him so much. He's such a wonderful man in so many ways. Its weird. It would just be easier if I didn't love him, thats all. Thats what makes it heartbreaking.


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## Cup of Tea

Mary L said:


> I'm sorry, that does sound difficult! I often think, this mess would be so much easier if I didnt love him so much. He's such a wonderful man in so many ways. Its weird. It would just be easier if I didn't love him, thats all. Thats what makes it heartbreaking.


At least we both know we're not alone! Mister can be funny and caring at times. But then he complains that he doesn't have any clean clothes, after watching TV for 8 hours and I want him gone again. So frustrating!!!


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## Openminded

Most people in your situation stay because they keep hoping things will magically change one day. That’s not very likely. You can’t make someone change and they don’t really want to. When divorce is mentioned, sometimes an improvement in frequency (but not enthusiasm) is seen — usually because the non-sexual person wants to stay married. You’ll face the same choice as others have before you (and others will after you) which is stay and make the best of it or go and see what else is out there. The majority stay. You’ll have to decide if you’re among them.


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## Mary L

Cup of Tea said:


> At least we both know we're not alone! Mister can be funny and caring at times. But then he complains that he doesn't have any clean clothes, after watching TV for 8 hours and I want him gone again. So frustrating!!!


Ya my man could care less if any housework got done. It sounds nice, until you live it. I want a “home”. I like things clean and organized. Obviously not perfect. A family lives here!
But for me, it’s the lack of my needs being met. He does everything “he feels” is good and right. But if I say I am hurt, or lonely he doesn’t get it. He’s nice. Doesn’t cheat, works hard. Loves me. Comes home. What’s wrong with me? 
Yes, it’s been nice reading on here today. (I took the entire day off today!! First time ever ❤🙌🏼) I’ve just rested. Read. Prayed. Cried. Haha. But it’s been good.


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## hubby

Hi Mary,
I was in a sexless marriage for a long time. I learned a few things:

Don't give up until you know you have exhausted every option
Start focusing on yourself first. Exercise more. Go out with friends. Start feeling and acting sexy. Be flirtatious. Strut around everywhere with confidence. Your husband will notice.
Talk to your husband about it without coming across as whiny or complaining. What I did was let my wife know I need intimacy in a relationship and I would do whatever it takes to get it. I would not settle for a relationship without it. I am not saying threaten to leave but be honest with him about what you want and deserve. When you talk, frame it from your perspective and about your feelings. Don't cast any blame or make it about him. 
If the above does not work, talk frankly about alternative options. Could you have an open relationship? If intimacy is not important for him he should be OK if you find it somewhere else. That does not work for everyone but could be an option before divorce.
You need to do you at the end of the day. Fight for you relationship like your life depends on it. You will know when you are exhausted and gave it your all - and if you get to that point you will never look back with regret.


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## EleGirl

*@Mary L,*

As it turns out, men are as likely to make their marriage sexless, or near sexless, as women are. You are far from alone.

Has your husband ever had his testosterones levels checked? Very often, when men have a low sex drive it's because of low T levels. T supplements can help.

Here is a link to a thread on the top that might help you. It's a long thread so read at least the first few pages as they provide some resources that might help you out.









The Sex Starved Wife


I would like this thread to be a resource for women who are in sexless, or near sexless marriages in which it is their husbands who don’t want sex. I’m hoping that women dealing with this issue will post and talk about what they are going through. About 20% of marriages are sexless. A sexless...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## Mary L

hubby said:


> Hi Mary,
> I was in a sexless marriage for a long time. I learned a few things:
> 
> Don't give up until you know you have exhausted every option
> Start focusing on yourself first. Exercise more. Go out with friends. Start feeling and acting sexy. Be flirtatious. Strut around everywhere with confidence. Your husband will notice.
> Talk to your husband about it without coming across as whiny or complaining. What I did was let my wife know I need intimacy in a relationship and I would do whatever it takes to get it. I would not settle for a relationship without it. I am not saying threaten to leave but be honest with him about what you want and deserve. When you talk, frame it from your perspective and about your feelings. Don't cast any blame or make it about him.
> If the above does not work, talk frankly about alternative options. Could you have an open relationship? If intimacy is not important for him he should be OK if you find it somewhere else. That does not work for everyone but could be an option before divorce.
> You need to do you at the end of the day. Fight for you relationship like your life depends on it. You will know when you are exhausted and gave it your all - and if you get to that point you will never look back with regret.


I am not one to give up easily. I know how to be flexible and I know when to fight tooth and nail for what important.
I have really pulled back. I'm not initiating anything. I am no sulking or acting anything other than happy, but I am also treating him like he treats me, a good friend! When he comes in, I dont greet him with a kiss anymore. Its more like "Oh wow, hi babe. You're home!" And go about whatever I was doing. I know he's noticing. 
I began working out and I have always wanted to play guitar!! I started to learn how to play, then a couple months ago hit a depression level that just too the wind out of me. I just stopped everything. I have been climbing out since. I am ready to get back to it all. Today is day one, again  
I have talked to him so many times. I have explained to him in detail what this is doing to me both emotionally and physically. He always seems to care and seems genuinely bothered and says he hates that he hurts me.BUT NOTHING CHANGES! He says he wants things different. But it comes down to effort. 
We just have a two day, stays home vacation. We watched movies all weekend, turned phones off... just spent time together. Zero sex, flirting, teasing, touching... he put his hand on my leg. WOW.
Maybe I am too demanding? Is this normal after 30 years of marriage? Or is there some mid life crisis I am going through and expecting too much? 
I could never do an open marriage. He wouldn't stand for it, but I could never step out on him. Its just not in me. I would divorce first. 
I saw someone recommend some books. I also am going to start working out again. I need that for me. I feel so much better, And I HATE this weight! Im not "big" but weighing at 160? Im not small either.  
Thank you for all the advice! Sry it took so ling to respond.


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## Mary L

EleGirl said:


> *@Mary L,*
> 
> As it turns out, men are as likely to make their marriage sexless, or near sexless, as women are. You are far from alone.
> 
> Has your husband ever had his testosterones levels checked? Very often, when men have a low sex drive it's because of low T levels. T supplements can help.
> 
> Here is a link to a thread on the top that might help you. It's a long thread so read at least the first few pages as they provide some resources that might help you out.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The Sex Starved Wife
> 
> 
> I would like this thread to be a resource for women who are in sexless, or near sexless marriages in which it is their husbands who don’t want sex. I’m hoping that women dealing with this issue will post and talk about what they are going through. About 20% of marriages are sexless. A sexless...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.talkaboutmarriage.com


He has had his levels checked a few years ago, and they were fine. He has a very hard time putting effort into things. He feels what he already does, whether its job, home or me... that it takes everything he has, Which is fine, if he was married to a nun!

I think he needs to go back to the DR or find a new one!! Thanks fo the link. I will check it out!


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## FizzBomb

It’s not sexless but I could do with a whole lot more sex than I’m getting.
I’m more touchy, tactile, affectionate and he’s not any of those things. 
I’d like to have more sex. He’s lower drive. Maybe just low drive. He’s on T cream. Has been for about 10 years now.
He’s never had a decent sex drive.
I just don’t ask as much anymore.

Example from about 4 weeks ago - ok so picture this: it’s early bedtime I’m undressing I’ve not wearing underwear and I’ve got a tight tank top on. Basically shaved bare. He walks past me on the way to his side of the bed and I lift up my top suggestively squishing my boobs together, touching myself. You get the idea. He basically gives me one irritated look and offhandedly says: “nah not interested.” Not even a touch, a hug, a kiss.

He’s gets in grumpy moods. I guess it’s hard to feel sexual when you’re angry or irritated half the time. We do have sex it’s just a bit too sporadic for my liking. Talk is cheap. I’ve tried talking. I’ve given up on talking about it. It’s hard talking to someone who doesn’t want to talk.

One thing I’ve realised over the years with a partner like this is that they always seem to hold the sexual reins in the relationship. It’s like the thermometer is set to the lower drive spouse. The thermostat in my bedroom is about 2 degrees right now.


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## LisaDiane

FizzBomb said:


> It’s not sexless but I could do with a whole lot more sex than I’m getting.
> I’m more touchy, tactile, affectionate and he’s not any of those things.
> I’d like to have more sex. He’s lower drive. Maybe just low drive. He’s on T cream. Has been for about 10 years now.
> He’s never had a decent sex drive.
> I just don’t ask as much anymore.
> 
> Example from about 4 weeks ago - ok so picture this: it’s early bedtime I’m undressing I’ve not wearing underwear and I’ve got a tight tank top on. Basically shaved bare. He walks past me on the way to his side of the bed and I lift up my top suggestively squishing my boobs together, touching myself. You get the idea. He basically gives me one irritated look and offhandedly says: “nah not interested.” Not even a touch, a hug, a kiss.
> 
> He’s gets in grumpy moods. I guess it’s hard to feel sexual when you’re angry or irritated half the time. We do have sex it’s just a bit too sporadic for my liking. Talk is cheap. I’ve tried talking. I’ve given up on talking about it. It’s hard talking to someone who doesn’t want to talk.
> 
> One thing I’ve realised over the years with a partner like this is that they always seem to hold the sexual reins in the relationship. It’s like the thermometer is set to the lower drive spouse. The thermostat in my bedroom is about 2 degrees right now.


Your husband sounds SO MUCH like mine...I've simply stopped asking or talking about it. I'm tired of it. He KNOWS he's hurting me, he KNOWS what I need, and he just doesn't care...so I'm DONE. And there's been a certain freedom in that, and some peace for my heart.

I hope YOU can work things out better than that, though! (((((((((HUGS!!!)))))))))


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Mary L said:


> He has had his levels checked a few years ago, and they were fine. He has a very hard time putting effort into things. He feels what he already does, whether its job, home or me... that it takes everything he has, Which is fine, if he was married to a nun!
> 
> I think he needs to go back to the DR or find a new one!! Thanks fo the link. I will check it out!



Hang in there. You're absolutely normal and right that as a couple there should be more sex and intimacy in the marriage. 

Even if his work is demanding, so are many other husbands' and there is time and effort spent to stay physical and close to their spouse. 

Work as a reason can only be used as a reason to avoid sex for a very short time. Then it becomes a justification, and there's something else in the mix.

Persevere! Work on yourself although that can get lonely it's good to do.

Don't think it's your weight, or you because you sound like everything is in good order. Keep your spirits up!


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## Mary L

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Hang in there. You're absolutely normal and right that as a couple there should be more sex and intimacy in the marriage.
> 
> Even if his work is demanding, so are many other husbands' and there is time and effort spent to stay physical and close to their spouse.
> 
> Work as a reason can only be used as a reason to avoid sex for a very short time. Then it becomes a justification, and there's something else in the mix.
> 
> Persevere! Work on yourself although that can get lonely it's good to do.
> 
> Don't think it's your weight, or you because you sound like everything is in good order. Keep your spirits up!


Thank you!! 
I don’t like playing 2nd to his job!! 
I really am a very understanding person. If he would come home stressed and tired, I would never be demanding. It can’t be a lifestyle however, and it is.
But I’m learning  I can’t change him, but I can change me!!


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## LisaDiane

Mary L said:


> Thank you!!
> I don’t like playing 2nd to his job!!
> I really am a very understanding person. If he would come home stressed and tired, I would never be demanding. It can’t be a lifestyle however, and it is.
> But I’m learning  I can’t change him, but I can change me!!


I was JUST thinking about you...!!!


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## Mary L

LisaDiane said:


> I was JUST thinking about you...!!!


Awww!!! ❤ That’s sweet. 
ya, I changed my email address, and something locked up. I wasn’t getting an email to confirm, and I wasn’t able to comment, or anything until I could confirm that new address. It’s fixed now


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## LisaDiane

Mary L said:


> Awww!!! ❤ That’s sweet.
> ya, I changed my email address, and something locked up. I wasn’t getting an email to confirm, and I wasn’t able to comment, or anything until I could confirm that new address. It’s fixed now


Yay!!!
I was hoping maybe you had finagled your husband into giving you some extra SEX...Lol!


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## Mary L

LisaDiane said:


> Yay!!!
> I was hoping maybe you had finagled your husband into giving you some extra SEX...Lol!


Haha. Ya I wish!
Our daughter and family came to visit and it’s been a bit crazy. I just finally fell in bed.
He has been better about hearing me. But I’ve also been making him respond.
I will say something, for example I mentioned creating a schedule for us time. I told him it didn’t have to be long and detailed at first.
He usually stays quiet when I talk. It drives me crazy!! But I’ve started to say “do you have questions or any input?” About the schedule he said “I can see how that would work” I said, “great! What’s the best part, to you, about what I’m suggesting?”
I just don’t think he knows how to communicate. And when the kids were younger and all home, we just didn’t really “communicate”. We just talked about kids, needs like the sink is dripping.
crazy how something can be so bad and you just don’t realize it.
One step at a time!!!


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## Mr.Married

I’ll take a stab at it.

I figure he has a lot tied up in his head about the sex topic. If you can figure out a way to convince him to shower together with you then you could at least gets some hands on touch without him being “sex threatened “


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## She'sStillGotIt

Mary L said:


> I had a full time job plus home schooled our kids. I did everything with the home and with the kids. You name it, I did it.
> He does work full time also, but felt I was overly "picky" about the home and kids, so refused to enter my standards.
> Thats a HUGE topic for another day.


So he's a lazy ass who had no problem letting YOU do it all. Why am I not surprised?

Not only is he worthless as far as doing his SHARE around the house, but on top of it, he's asexual like a house plant.

I'm just being honest, but what the hell do you SEE in this guy?

*



I know he isn't having an affair.

Click to expand...

*No, you don't. You THINK you know he's not having an affair. Don't ever be foolish enough to make that type of statement unless you've been surgically attached to him at his hip and can literally *watch *every single move this man makes every single second of every single day of every single week, month and year. That's just a fact.

And since he's too damned good to do anything around the house - claiming he doesn't do it because your standards are too high and he can't meet them (what a freakin' *phony*) he's got all the time in the world to wile away the hours, doesn't he?

Go read the r/DeadBedrooms sub on Reddit. SOOOO many of those people sound just like you - desperate, lonely, and longing and choosing to stay stuck in a loveless, no-touch, emotionally bereft marriage with a roommate year after year after year after year - and they make the same exact claim you did about how _*sure*_ they are their sexless spouse isn't cheating. And* so* many of them come back and tell us how wrong they were and their sexless spouse was indeed cheating for a long time.

Just some food for thought.

*



We are very close in many ways. I know all of his passwords, the man can barely navigate Facebook. We share our location. He's not hiding anything.

Click to expand...

*Not everyone uses online sources to cheat! The guy could have been down at the corner store picking up bread and met someone in PERSON and it went from there. People still do that.

*



"I can only do what I can do" he says. And again I say "its about US, not sex."

Click to expand...

*There's plenty he can still do - he's just *CHOOSING* not to. What a guy.

Like all the folks in the DeadBedrooms sub, you're choosing this life when you DO have the option to leave. I'll never understand why anyone chooses to stay with someone who acts like they're basically *repulsed* by your touch. No one needs someone in their life THAT bad.


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## Mary L

Mr.Married said:


> I’ll take a stab at it.
> 
> I figure he has a lot tied up in his head about the sex topic. If you can figure out a way to convince him to shower together with you then you could at least gets some hands on touch without him being “sex threatened “


He can get there. I know he has an ED issue, but I have never made it a thing. I’m sure that’s huge for a man. Even a low driven man. 
I like the shower idea. Gosh, I really have to get out of my head! As soon as I thought “I like that ideas” my next thought is “but he will see ALL of me 😳”
I know.. I know!


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## Mr.Married

Mary L said:


> He can get there. I know he has an ED issue, but I have never made it a thing. I’m sure that’s huge for a man. Even a low driven man.
> I like the shower idea. Gosh, I really have to get out of my head! As soon as I thought “I like that ideas” my next thought is “but he will see ALL of me 😳”
> I know.. I know!


Definitely need to get over that. You sound really brave already from some of the things you have written. The shower thing should be easy


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## Mary L

She'sStillGotIt said:


> So he's a lazy ass who had no problem letting YOU do it all. Why am I not surprised?
> 
> Not only is he worthless as far as doing his SHARE around the house, but on top of it, he's asexual like a house plant.
> 
> I'm just being honest, but what the hell do you SEE in this guy?
> 
> 
> 
> No, you don't. You THINK you know he's not having an affair. Don't ever be foolish enough to make that type of statement unless you've been surgically attached to him at his hip and can literally *watch *every single move this man makes every single second of every single day of every single week, month and year. That's just a fact.
> 
> And since he's too damned good to do anything around the house - claiming he doesn't do it because your standards are too high and he can't meet them (what a freakin' *phony*) he's got all the time in the world to wile away the hours, doesn't he?
> 
> Go read the r/DeadBedrooms sub on Reddit. SOOOO many of those people sound just like you - desperate, lonely, and longing and choosing to stay stuck in a loveless, no-touch, emotionally bereft marriage with a roommate year after year after year after year - and they make the same exact claim you did about how _*sure*_ they are their sexless spouse isn't cheating. And* so* many of them come back and tell us how wrong they were and their sexless spouse was indeed cheating for a long time.
> 
> Just some food for thought.
> 
> 
> 
> Not everyone uses online sources to cheat! The guy could have been down at the corner store picking up bread and met someone in PERSON and it went from there. People still do that.
> 
> 
> 
> There's plenty he can still do - he's just *CHOOSING* not to. What a guy.
> 
> Like all the folks in the DeadBedrooms sub, you're choosing this life when you DO have the option to leave. I'll never understand why anyone chooses to stay with someone who acts like they're basically *repulsed* by your touch. No one needs someone in their life THAT bad.


Without knowing him, I can understand you may react this way. 
He has issues, just like I’ve had issues. Im not making excuses, I’m not a push over, as it may seem. 
I’ve known this man for 31 years. He can’t walk and chew gum. Haha. (He would agree) He would have screwed up an affair already! 
He was raised in a very old fashion home, men work, women raise kids and cook! Now I ran our office and home schooled on top of it. And yes, he should have done more. And even now, he should do more to help. 
With that said, I believe he’s a good man. I believe he’s broken and doesn’t mean to be hurtful. I also believe I was a huge part of the issue with my own hang ups and I had no idea how to help our marriage. 
I fee like I do now. I could be wrong. Time will tell. But I’m willing to give it one more try!


----------



## Mary L

Mr.Married said:


> Definitely need to get over that. You sound really brave already from some of the things you have written. The shower thing should be easy


“Should be”. Key words 😂


----------



## DownByTheRiver

_You never know what might make a guy with ED suddenly come to life. _ Sorry this is long, but it's really 300 pages long and this is the shortest possible version.
Story:
I had an ED "sort of" boyfriend I was in love with for about 3 years. He never told me WHY he hung around all the time but wouldn't have sex. It really drove me completely mental. He had me convinced I was just imagining we had a relationship. I finally had to make myself get over him, even as he continued to drop by, plus we ran in the same crowd. We sort of "broke up" when I confronted him and he blamed something about MY appearance instead of admitting he had ED. So I used all the discipline I had trying to move on but he never really went away. I'd think he had, and he'd be back. 


I had gotten over him when I met a new guy and fell in love with him. I was finally at peace about him and able to just be his friend without suffering. Dated the new guy a few months before that imploded in a bad way and I was very torn up. It involved a friend I'd known for 17 years, since we were in jr. high together, so I lost both at once and it disrupted my living arrangements and my whole life. It was my lease but she was at that time my roommate. 

I found out she had gotten hold of my little black book and was using our falling out as an excuse to literally call ALL the men I knew. I found out because they told me. The only one she made any headway with was this guy with ED. He allowed her to keep talking to him, indulging her, which infuriated me. The others told her to F off because they were 1) smarter and 2) loyal. 

So in the middle of that, I went over to where Mr. ED was living. We were outside, and I was letting him have it and crying (something I'd never done in front of him -- I'm pretty stoic) and I was trying to tell him that she ruined things with the guy I cared the most about it (not the guy with ED but the new one) and was having a crying fit and yelling at him for betraying me after all she put me through. 

And Merry Christmas, he got _a boner_. I think he thought I meant HE was the only guy I ever cared about, and I didn't straighten him out because I mean, _3 years_, right? And we went upstairs and did it for the one and only time. But I also think he was turned on that I was crying and throwing a fit, because one of his things he used to repeat was some Greek girl he had dated who liked to have fights. 

So you never know. Leave no stone unturned. We tried to do it another time some months later when he got his heart broken and ran to me, but it didn't really happen. That could have been partly my fault. I was still going through a lot of things, too. 

He didn't tell me he had ED from childhood molestation until 10 years later after he was living across the US and married with his first baby. He had done therapy and worked through it. Unfortunately, alcohol became the bigger problem the rest of his life.


----------



## Kharden6

Mary L said:


> I have so many issues in my marriage, but I think this is the largest one.
> My husband has never had a huge sex drive. Even in his 20's, once or twice a week was fine.
> I had a full time job plus home schooled our kids. I did everything with the home and with the kids. You name it, I did it.
> He does work full time also, but felt I was overly "picky" about the home and kids, so refused to enter my standards.
> Thats a HUGE topic for another day.
> 
> As time has went on, we just don't have sex often. He says he loves me. I get a hug about once a day, and most days a quick kiss when he gets home or as we are going to bed. He tells me he loves me. He's thankful for me. I feel like we are great "friends".
> 
> It's the lack of connection that is killing me. He has never really engaged in sex, but now his lack of wanting sex is my fault because I was "always too busy when the kids were little". Which is not true! Even if it was, do you think 4 years of your wife trying to jump you would cure that?
> 
> I know he isn't having an affair. We are very close in many ways. I know all of his passwords, the man can barely navigate Facebook. We share our location. He's not hiding anything.
> 
> I have tried to talk to him. I have tried to explain to him how this makes me feel. I know he struggles with ED. I have told him that we can just "play around", zero expectations. I just want to be close to him. Feel him touch me. (sorry, is this too personal?) I'm new here, so I don't know how graphic you all get.
> 
> I feel ugly. I have gained 40 pounds over the years birthing children. The lack of intimacy doesn't make me feel attractive, thats for sure. Its hurtful, lonely and frustrating. I have tried so many times to talk to him. He doesn't get it, because he doesn't see a problem. "I can only do what I can do" he says. And again I say "its about US, not sex."
> 
> It's as if he just won't put effort into it, and when I get hurt and cant take the distance anymore, we fight. I make him feel as if he can't ever do enough for me.
> 
> I started logging in my calendar any time he is flirty, romantic, initiates sex (I simply won't anymore. It hurts too much to always be pushed aside)
> *In the last year we have went on zero dates. Which isn't new. He's never, ever "dated" me. (I have also asked for this for about 10 years)
> *In the last year he has flirted with me zero times, again... not really new
> *In the last year we have been intimate in bed, without sex, zero times... not new, but I have asked for this numerous times!
> *In the last year we have had sex 5 times. twice didn't work out too well, which is fine!


I'm so sorry. I was in a sexless relationship. I used to cry in the bathroom. Try getting a sexy outfit and surprising him. I know stuff like this hurts your self esteem worse than people who never experienced this can understand. I'm praying for you and your marriage. You are not alone.


----------



## LisaDiane

Mary L said:


> He can get there. I know he has an ED issue, but I have never made it a thing. I’m sure that’s huge for a man. Even a low driven man.
> I like the shower idea. Gosh, I really have to get out of my head! *As soon as I thought “I like that ideas” my next thought is “but he will see ALL of me* 😳”
> I know.. I know!


((((((((((Mary))))))))))
Oh, I completely understand...and you need to stop thinking that it has anything to do with how you actually look (to you) -- I wouldn't be considered overweight, but I'm still terrified to have "all of me" seen - I can find MANY things to be ashamed of with my WHOLE body, and that's the root of it - SHAME. Your fears aren't based on anything REAL, they are based on your shameful perceptions of yourself. THAT is something you really need to work on (like I do!), because it's only causing you pain and holding you back from being truly AUTHENTIC and SEEN...and that's the key to true intimacy.

Your FEAR of it is all the more reason to DO IT... 

(_See...there are SOME perks to not having sex with your husband anymore...!!! Lol!_)


----------



## LisaDiane

Mr.Married said:


> Definitely need to get over that. You sound really brave already from some of the things you have written. The shower thing should be easy


Lol!!! Oh, spoken like a true GUY...ugh!


----------



## Rlc307

I almost feel like I was sort of reading parts of my own life when I came across this post. My husband has never had a sex drive quite like mine and it sometimes drives me absolutely up the wall. I've been with him for 10 years and to be honest, before I met him I wasn't even aware that there were men like this out there (we met in our early 20s). And his drive took a dive a couple of years ago.
You mentioned working out- is he by chance interested in anything like that? My husband has some ED issues too and it was something we both had to work with. He was a little on the low T side and he found a good supplement. The biggest thing that helped him though was he started working out and dropped some weight. The ED hasn't been an issue for a good few months now and he has so much more confidence in the bedroom. After he dropped that weight I guess I found it (eyeroll) and we have been working out together. Maybe it's something you two could try. We bond quite a bit and enjoy it. The other day we decided to take a walk and we were chatting so much that we had gone 4 miles and didn't even realize it lol.


----------



## TXTrini

Mary, this post makes me so sad. It sounds like the way my life used to be with a man I adored, who I thought loved me and would never hurt me. He was the stand-up guy everyone in our families and social circles looked up to, we were the couple everyone wanted to be like.

I heard many of the same excuses and I did everything at home to make his life easier and less stressful. I heard it all... ED, Madonna/***** syndrome, asexual, "don't know", it was easier to whack off to porn than having sex with me and then finally I found out the truth... I found out he was cheating with a 19 y/o former employee and lied about it for nearly 2 yrs one morning after waking up in his arms.

Later on, I found out about all the lies... heavy drinking, the secret credit card on top of everything. He was the "nice guy", so he didn't want to "hurt me" by telling me he didn't want me anymore and all that BS. I put up with over 10 yrs of a sexless marriage and believed everything he told me. The ****er had the gall to say to the therapist he knew I'd never cheat.

Does he refuse to talk to you and give you the silent treatment? Does he try to piss you off in a passive-aggressive manner? Does he try to make you think you're crazy for calling him out on things? If you say yes to any of these, evaluate why you want to please him so much when he's telling you with his actions he just doesn't care about your feelings anymore. 

I may just be triggered and everything I say is crap, but I know how it feels to die piece by piece over time while I waited for the man I loved would surface once more. Your feelings are valid, it's not fair to put your pain aside to pacify someone who is showing you plainly your happiness does not matter to them. If it did, he would be proactive in exploring why his desire is gone. Btw, my ex told me he hadn't been attracted to me for years on DD, b/c I aged- apparently, time stood still for him, he thinks he looks like 20 at 40 and freaked out when he started getting greys.


----------



## Cup of Tea

Cup of Tea said:


> I am pretty much a nun at this point.


So I stated this as a joke. If I didn't laugh I'd cry.
This morning, Mister starts cuddling, which hurts because he is so heavy that it makes the bed sag and tilt really bad, then he pulls me back which really hurts my spine. Then he shoves off the blankets. 
--It was 3:30am
--He stole my pillow and now it smells like the inside of his hat and I don't want it back
--He had the A/C set to industrial meat-locker cold and I shivered all night. There was frost on the inside of the window. 
--I couldn't feel anything hard under that gut anyway. Being humped by a pillow isn't a big turn-on for me
He was rebuffed, needless to say. He got up, huffed and puffed, turned on all the lights, slammed things around, then muttered "may as well me married to a fu**ing NUN" on his way out. 
He can't be that stupid can he? What kind of woman wants awful, rude sex at 3 in the morning?


Mary, we deserve at least somewhat normal sex-lives. I'm not sure who has it worse!! 
I hope you're doing ok. 😊


----------



## Mr. Nail

Cup of Tea said:


> So I stated this as a joke. If I didn't laugh I'd cry.
> -- snip--
> He was rebuffed, needless to say. He got up, huffed and puffed, turned on all the lights, slammed things around, then muttered "may as well me married to a fu**ing NUN" on his way out.
> He can't be that stupid can he? *What kind of *wo*man wants awful, rude sex at 3 in the morning?*
> 
> 
> Mary, we deserve at least somewhat normal sex-lives. I'm not sure who has it worse!!
> I hope you're doing ok. 😊


This person, Any time, any quality, any hint. 
Cup of Tea I feel for you. I understand the pain you are going through. I would have done the same thing. or at least wanted to. I always give in.
I think Mary still thinks her Man's hats smell good. It's as pretty good indicator of the health of the relationship.


----------



## TXTrini

Hey Mary, 
How are you doing today? Any improvements over the weekend to report?



Cup of Tea said:


> What kind of woman wants awful, rude sex at 3 in the morning?


Me _raises hand_ But yeah, I would take a hard pass on your husband too, so I feel you. What are you going to do about it?



Mr. Nail said:


> I think Mary still thinks her Man's hats smell good. It's as pretty good indicator of the health of the relationship.


You know, one of my friends told me her dad always said smell is a good indicator of if someone is right for you. I always thought that was kinda weird, but then I thought about it. I was turned off by the ex in the end, but I thought it was just his awful hygiene, but he smelled "off", then I thought it was b/c of the drinking. You may be onto something there Mr. Nail. Btw, whatever made you pick that name? My thoughts are firmly in the gutter


----------



## RebuildingMe

I don’t know how you ladies stay in these god awful marriages? Is it that your stuck, finances, your don’t think you’d ever meet anyone, smoking the hopium pipe that your husbands will change, what is it that keeps you there while the years are just passing you by? I’m sorry to read threads like this.


----------



## Cup of Tea

RebuildingMe said:


> I don’t know how you ladies stay in these god awful marriages? Is it that your stuck, finances, your don’t think you’d ever meet anyone, smoking the hopium pipe that your husbands will change, what is it that keeps you there while the years are just passing you by? I’m sorry to read threads like this.


Um... we're complicated. 🤪💜
Its hard to know what to do when your heart says "Stay. You took vows. You love him. He loves you." 
And your mind says "Go and find a hunky pool boy." 
So confusing.


----------



## Mr.Married

Cup of Tea said:


> Um... we're complicated. 🤪💜
> Its hard to know what to do when your heart says "Stay. You took vows. You love him. He loves you."
> And your mind says "Go and find a hunky pool boy."
> So confusing.


My wife likes the “Hot Pinks Devil D!ck”
when I’m away. It’s a big fellow and definitely gets the job done....

Just saying......


----------



## Mr. Nail

TXTrini said:


> --snip-- You may be onto something there Mr. Nail. Btw, whatever made you pick that name? My thoughts are firmly in the gutter


It's an anagram, a fitting one that relates to my trade. I'm a cabinetmaker.


----------



## TXTrini

Mr. Nail said:


> It's an anagram, a fitting one that relates to my trade. I'm a cabinetmaker.


 Party pooper!


----------



## TXTrini

Cup of Tea said:


> Um... we're complicated. 🤪💜
> Its hard to know what to do when your heart says "Stay. You took vows. You love him. He loves you."
> And your mind says "Go and find a hunky pool boy."
> So confusing.


I agree. I took my vows seriously... for better or worse. You don't get to pick or choose when you do that.


----------



## heartsbeating

Cup of Tea said:


> So I stated this as a joke. If I didn't laugh I'd cry.
> This morning, Mister starts cuddling, which hurts because he is so heavy that it makes the bed sag and tilt really bad, then he pulls me back which really hurts my spine. Then he shoves off the blankets.
> --It was 3:30am
> --He stole my pillow and now it smells like the inside of his hat and I don't want it back
> --He had the A/C set to industrial meat-locker cold and I shivered all night. There was frost on the inside of the window.
> --I couldn't feel anything hard under that gut anyway. Being humped by a pillow isn't a big turn-on for me
> He was rebuffed, needless to say. He got up, huffed and puffed, turned on all the lights, slammed things around, then muttered "may as well me married to a fu**ing NUN" on his way out.
> He can't be that stupid can he? What kind of woman wants awful, rude sex at 3 in the morning?
> 
> 
> Mary, we deserve at least somewhat normal sex-lives. I'm not sure who has it worse!!
> I hope you're doing ok. 😊


How did you react?


----------



## Mary L

TXTrini said:


> Hey Mary,
> How are you doing today? Any improvements over the weekend to report?


Well.. in short, no. lol
Its been a tremendously busy 4-5 days! Everyone is home (left this morning) So maybe today I can get the office caught up and spend some time reflecting and thinking.

@RebuildingMe, some days I wonder the same thing! But when I took my "for better or for worse" vows, I took hem seriously! I was a different person back then. TOTALLY different. I have changed a lot, and so has my husband. Just not as much, and in some ways, not in the sam direction. 
When you are raised with abuse, you don't always recognize forms of it. I didnt recognize neglect and the lack of emotional connection, and hubby didnt recognize how he cant easily connect emotionally and how certain things he does or doesn't do are selfish and hurtful. I remember once telling him something he did was selfish. The look of confusion was real! 
Sometimes I wonder how his parents ever had kids or stayed together as long as they did! If you met them you would have a big AHHHHH moment! lol


----------



## TXTrini

I'm sorry Mary. Oh man, your response to RebuildingMe struck a chord for me. Some people (including my family) thought I was mentally abused and told me about it for years, but of course, I never saw it. I can recall the expression on my ex's face when I called him out on selfish behavior... confused, as if he didn't understand. 

Is he willing to go to marital counseling? Sometimes hearing things from an outsider makes things click. If you do, I advise you to watch his face closely during joint sessions, I learned all I needed to know then.




Mary L said:


> Well.. in short, no. lol
> Its been a tremendously busy 4-5 days! Everyone is home (left this morning) So maybe today I can get the office caught up and spend some time reflecting and thinking.
> 
> When you are raised with abuse, you don't always recognize forms of it. I didnt recognize neglect and the lack of emotional connection, and hubby didnt recognize how he cant easily connect emotionally and how certain things he does or doesn't do are selfish and hurtful. I remember once telling him something he did was selfish. The look of confusion was real!
> Sometimes I wonder how his parents ever had kids or stayed together as long as they did! If you met them you would have a big AHHHHH moment! lol


----------



## Mary L

It’s been a long week y’all. 
somedays I don’t know how much more I can take It’s not just the lack of sex in our relationship. It’s his lack of engaging with self discipline, co-parenting. And I’m all over the place. 
I want to stay and fight, and I can also see the writing on the wall and feel it’s over.
I don’t care to defend him anymore. I losing respect for him more each day. 
I feel like I’m spinning.
That’s why I haven’t been on here. I’m just trying to survive.

Also this week, my son in laws mom and husband were in a car accident. The step dad passed away before they got him to the hospital and moms in ICU in critical condition. But she is making improvement, so that gives us hope!! 
prayers, good thoughts are welcome!!!


----------



## LisaDiane

Mary L said:


> It’s been a long week y’all.
> somedays I don’t know how much more I can take It’s not just the lack of sex in our relationship. It’s his lack of engaging with self discipline, co-parenting. And I’m all over the place.
> I want to stay and fight, and I can also see the writing on the wall and feel it’s over.
> I don’t care to defend him anymore. I losing respect for him more each day.
> I feel like I’m spinning.
> That’s why I haven’t been on here. I’m just trying to survive.
> 
> Also this week, my son in laws mom and husband were in a car accident. The step dad passed away before they got him to the hospital and moms in ICU in critical condition. But she is making improvement, so that gives us hope!!
> prayers, good thoughts are welcome!!!


Oh Mary...I'm SO sorry you are struggling with so much...hang in there!!!


----------



## TXTrini

Mary L said:


> It’s been a long week y’all.
> somedays I don’t know how much more I can take It’s not just the lack of sex in our relationship. It’s his lack of engaging with self discipline, co-parenting. And I’m all over the place.
> I want to stay and fight, and I can also see the writing on the wall and feel it’s over.
> I don’t care to defend him anymore. I losing respect for him more each day.
> I feel like I’m spinning.
> That’s why I haven’t been on here. I’m just trying to survive.
> 
> Also this week, my son in laws mom and husband were in a car accident. The step dad passed away before they got him to the hospital and moms in ICU in critical condition. But she is making improvement, so that gives us hope!!
> prayers, good thoughts are welcome!!!


I'm sorry Mary, I understand how that feels. Hope you and your family are alright.


----------



## Turtle2020

Mary L said:


> I have so many issues in my marriage, but I think this is the largest one.
> My husband has never had a huge sex drive. Even in his 20's, once or twice a week was fine.
> I had a full time job plus home schooled our kids. I did everything with the home and with the kids. You name it, I did it.
> He does work full time also, but felt I was overly "picky" about the home and kids, so refused to enter my standards.
> Thats a HUGE topic for another day.
> 
> As time has went on, we just don't have sex often. He says he loves me. I get a hug about once a day, and most days a quick kiss when he gets home or as we are going to bed. He tells me he loves me. He's thankful for me. I feel like we are great "friends".
> 
> It's the lack of connection that is killing me. He has never really engaged in sex, but now his lack of wanting sex is my fault because I was "always too busy when the kids were little". Which is not true! Even if it was, do you think 4 years of your wife trying to jump you would cure that?
> 
> I know he isn't having an affair. We are very close in many ways. I know all of his passwords, the man can barely navigate Facebook. We share our location. He's not hiding anything.
> 
> I have tried to talk to him. I have tried to explain to him how this makes me feel. I know he struggles with ED. I have told him that we can just "play around", zero expectations. I just want to be close to him. Feel him touch me. (sorry, is this too personal?) I'm new here, so I don't know how graphic you all get.
> 
> I feel ugly. I have gained 40 pounds over the years birthing children. The lack of intimacy doesn't make me feel attractive, thats for sure. Its hurtful, lonely and frustrating. I have tried so many times to talk to him. He doesn't get it, because he doesn't see a problem. "I can only do what I can do" he says. And again I say "its about US, not sex."
> 
> It's as if he just won't put effort into it, and when I get hurt and cant take the distance anymore, we fight. I make him feel as if he can't ever do enough for me.
> 
> I started logging in my calendar any time he is flirty, romantic, initiates sex (I simply won't anymore. It hurts too much to always be pushed aside)
> *In the last year we have went on zero dates. Which isn't new. He's never, ever "dated" me. (I have also asked for this for about 10 years)
> *In the last year he has flirted with me zero times, again... not really new
> *In the last year we have been intimate in bed, without sex, zero times... not new, but I have asked for this numerous times!
> *In the last year we have had sex 5 times. twice didn't work out too well, which is fine!


I was in a relationship for 7 years (5 of which were married years). He wouldnt even have sex with me on our wedding night. I thought things would improve and I stayed because of my marriage vows. Then he bagan demanding divorce. I can relate to being without intimacy. I am sending you positive energy.


----------



## Grainne

Wow, that must have been humiliating! I am sorry this happened to you!
I am in a sexless marriage as well, for over 10 years now (married over 20). There is a 13-year age gap between us and due to medical conditions he is impotent and unable to be aroused.
He has no interest in satisfying me at all. He says it's "frustrating" and makes him feel bad that he can't perform.
When we were sexually active, it was fantastic. I realize as people age their sexual needs change but it's become so frustrating for me because he just doesn't see me as a woman/wife anymore.
Were the roles switched, I would have no problem satisfying him sexually even if I wasn't able to become aroused/climax. I would enjoy doing so.


----------



## Wishitwasbetter

Mary L said:


> I have so many issues in my marriage, but I think this is the largest one.
> My husband has never had a huge sex drive. Even in his 20's, once or twice a week was fine.
> I had a full time job plus home schooled our kids. I did everything with the home and with the kids. You name it, I did it.
> He does work full time also, but felt I was overly "picky" about the home and kids, so refused to enter my standards.
> Thats a HUGE topic for another day.
> 
> As time has went on, we just don't have sex often. He says he loves me. I get a hug about once a day, and most days a quick kiss when he gets home or as we are going to bed. He tells me he loves me. He's thankful for me. I feel like we are great "friends".
> 
> It's the lack of connection that is killing me. He has never really engaged in sex, but now his lack of wanting sex is my fault because I was "always too busy when the kids were little". Which is not true! Even if it was, do you think 4 years of your wife trying to jump you would cure that?
> 
> I know he isn't having an affair. We are very close in many ways. I know all of his passwords, the man can barely navigate Facebook. We share our location. He's not hiding anything.
> 
> I have tried to talk to him. I have tried to explain to him how this makes me feel. I know he struggles with ED. I have told him that we can just "play around", zero expectations. I just want to be close to him. Feel him touch me. (sorry, is this too personal?) I'm new here, so I don't know how graphic you all get.
> 
> I feel ugly. I have gained 40 pounds over the years birthing children. The lack of intimacy doesn't make me feel attractive, thats for sure. Its hurtful, lonely and frustrating. I have tried so many times to talk to him. He doesn't get it, because he doesn't see a problem. "I can only do what I can do" he says. And again I say "its about US, not sex."
> 
> It's as if he just won't put effort into it, and when I get hurt and cant take the distance anymore, we fight. I make him feel as if he can't ever do enough for me.
> 
> I started logging in my calendar any time he is flirty, romantic, initiates sex (I simply won't anymore. It hurts too much to always be pushed aside)
> *In the last year we have went on zero dates. Which isn't new. He's never, ever "dated" me. (I have also asked for this for about 10 years)
> *In the last year he has flirted with me zero times, again... not really new
> *In the last year we have been intimate in bed, without sex, zero times... not new, but I have asked for this numerous times!
> *In the last year we have had sex 5 times. twice didn't work out too well, which is fine!


I could have written your story as my own. I’m sorry you are going through this. It really takes a toll on your self esteem. My spouse says “things could be better” when I bring it up, but that’s the extent of any thoughts about it. I do know my spouse secretly views porn, but I don’t know how much. Do you think yours could be doing that?


----------



## Roselake

RebuildingMe said:


> I don’t know how you ladies stay in these god awful marriages? Is it that your stuck, finances, your don’t think you’d ever meet anyone, smoking the hopium pipe that your husbands will change, what is it that keeps you there while the years are just passing you by? I’m sorry to read threads like this.


I love my husband and am very attracted to him. He’s a great father and we have a nice life together for the most part. For most of our marriage he has not wanted much sex. He’s just not into it even when I’ve tried talking to him and making advances. He says it’s him and not me, but I can’t help but feel sad and rejected and just wanting to be touched and loved. It makes me sad too to see how many couples struggle with this and how many mismatched sex drives there are. I found this forum to seek advice and help after my latest rejection and I feel like giving up the effort.


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## EleGirl

It's far too common. Here's a link. It's a long thread so read at least the first few pages as they contain some resources taht you might find helpful.









The Sex Starved Wife


There was a thread on the divorce reddit when I was in the middle of the process that was titled something like, "It is amazing how much sex we didn't have" that hit pretty close to home. It was written from the perspective of the (ex)husband but I think the perspective applies to each person...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## Roselake

EleGirl said:


> It's far too common. Here's a link. It's a long thread so read at least the first few pages as they contain some resources taht you might find helpful.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The Sex Starved Wife
> 
> 
> There was a thread on the divorce reddit when I was in the middle of the process that was titled something like, "It is amazing how much sex we didn't have" that hit pretty close to home. It was written from the perspective of the (ex)husband but I think the perspective applies to each person...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.talkaboutmarriage.com


Thank you for the reply! It is a long thread and I will start from the beginning and will definitely check out the link. I need some helpful resources for sure.


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## Talker67

let me stick my neck out here a little, with the hope it will not get chopped off.

men react to sexy things. If he is not cheating, and his ED is not too bad, and he is not taking any medicines that kill his libido, then he simply is NOT being turned on.

An extra 40 lbs...while not a complete show stopper, is going to enter the equation. If you truly want the sex to be rekindled, how about losing 30 of those 40 lbs?

Do you wear lingere...the sexy type like you would have found in a Fredricks of Hollywood? Are you constantly flirting with him? are you touching him? 
Like he is watching some boring news show, do you snuggle up next to him and start rubbing parts of his body? 

Sexiness is often perceive by men as WILLINGNESS to have sex. A man who thinks he has a wife who is very horny for him, is going to respond by being horny for her too. Now i do not mean instant horniness...it might be a day or two between cause and effect here. Flirt with him a lot, then a little for a few days to come, and see if suddenly 3 days later he is looking to have some sex???

And finally, what about NEW ways to have sex? Maybe he is just bored with PIV sex. How about tying him up in a chair, and playing with parts of his body while he strains to get free? that sort of thing


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## PieceOfSky

Talker67 said:


> If he is not cheating, and his ED is not too bad, and he is not taking any medicines that kill his libido, then he simply is NOT being turned on.


The downside of hearing categorical opinions like this is that they can creep in and affect you, even when you know they were formed in ignorance of your life and many others’, and are not relevant to your situation. Especially when you are in the early phases (years) of this sort of life draining experience.

There’s no shortage of reasons why a so-called partner may avoid sexual and other forms of intimacy.

The best you can do is see that it’s happening, that there is a pattern, and a cost. Search for answers. Take actions on the things you think you need to improve, for your own sake and sanity. If you’re one of the few, the other wakes up and shakes off what was keeping him or her away. Otherwise, after awhile, what the other’s “reasons”for disconnect and unavailability matter less and less, the pattern is accepted as real, and the search for reasons/understanding/interventions loses its power to haunt your day and nighttime experience. Choosing better for yourself gets easier, and is the path towards a better life.


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## notmyjamie

Talker67 said:


> let me stick my neck out here a little, with the hope it will not get chopped off.
> 
> men react to sexy things. If he is not cheating, and his ED is not too bad, and he is not taking any medicines that kill his libido, then he simply is NOT being turned on.
> 
> An extra 40 lbs...while not a complete show stopper, is going to enter the equation. If you truly want the sex to be rekindled, how about losing 30 of those 40 lbs?
> 
> Do you wear lingere...the sexy type like you would have found in a Fredricks of Hollywood? Are you constantly flirting with him? are you touching him?
> Like he is watching some boring news show, do you snuggle up next to him and start rubbing parts of his body?
> 
> Sexiness is often perceive by men as WILLINGNESS to have sex. A man who thinks he has a wife who is very horny for him, is going to respond by being horny for her too. Now i do not mean instant horniness...it might be a day or two between cause and effect here. Flirt with him a lot, then a little for a few days to come, and see if suddenly 3 days later he is looking to have some sex???
> 
> And finally, what about NEW ways to have sex? Maybe he is just bored with PIV sex. How about tying him up in a chair, and playing with parts of his body while he strains to get free? that sort of thing


This is well thought out and I would never chop your head off and it may work for some in this situation. Unfortunately this board is full of women none of this worked for no matter how hard they tried. So what do they do? Because I think most women in this position have already exhausted all these things before coming here to ask for help. 

My exH was gay... none of that stuff was gonna help... but my research showed that’s rarely the reason why a man stops wanting sex with his wife.


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## Elizabeth001

notmyjamie said:


> This is well thought out and I would never chop your head off and it may work for some in this situation. Unfortunately this board is full of women none of this worked for no matter how hard they tried. So what do they do? Because I think most women in this position have already exhausted all these things before coming here to ask for help.
> 
> My exH was gay... none of that stuff was gonna help... but my research showed that’s rarely the reason why a man stops wanting sex with his wife.


Yep & 99% sure my X was asexual.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## moon7

Can i say twice a month is sexless?

And very bad sex, btw. No foreplay for me, no kissing me, no looking at me, just me being used for him to orgasm.

So i guess HE has sex twice a month.


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## aine

Mine has definitely changed in that department. When young the flagpole would rise to attention at the mere glimpse of my breast or ass. However when he hit 50 things were no longer as valiant as before. He went for testosterone injection, he said it was very painful. He now says he just doesn’t have the same level of desire. We still manage about 2-3 times a month but sometimes it leaves me wanting. I’ve been rejected a couple times when I initiated and told him I would no longer pursue him. I hate it as it makes me feel unwanted and undesirable. I think work issues also undermined his ego and of. Purse the drinking hasn’t helped. I’m not the trim chick I was in my 30s and 40s, I could lose some weight but I’m not huge either and am still considered attractive And I am very game. I think it’s a myth that only women lack desire.


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## aine

Cup of Tea said:


> So I stated this as a joke. If I didn't laugh I'd cry.
> This morning, Mister starts cuddling, which hurts because he is so heavy that it makes the bed sag and tilt really bad, then he pulls me back which really hurts my spine. Then he shoves off the blankets.
> --It was 3:30am
> --He stole my pillow and now it smells like the inside of his hat and I don't want it back
> --He had the A/C set to industrial meat-locker cold and I shivered all night. There was frost on the inside of the window.
> --I couldn't feel anything hard under that gut anyway. Being humped by a pillow isn't a big turn-on for me
> He was rebuffed, needless to say. He got up, huffed and puffed, turned on all the lights, slammed things around, then muttered "may as well me married to a fu**ing NUN" on his way out.
> He can't be that stupid can he? What kind of woman wants awful, rude sex at 3 in the morning?
> 
> 
> Mary, we deserve at least somewhat normal sex-lives. I'm not sure who has it worse!!
> I hope you're doing ok. 😊


I guess he thinks you should be thrilled. He belongs to the “right breast, left breast and poke around down there“ brigade, no intimacy, no caressing, foreplay, etc. Nope, not for me. I think a quickie is great sometimes but there ought to be more than this.


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## VladDracul

heartsbeating said:


> How did you react?





Cup of Tea said:


> *He was rebuffed,*


In other words, she to him to f.o.


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## Cup of Tea

VladDracul said:


> In other words, she to him to f.o.


Theres only so much awful a woman can tolerate! 👿


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## Married but Happy

Sex begins to become mundane after a couple of years, for many couples. It can still be good, but often the excitement of the early days is very difficult to keep going. For some men (and women), the ordinariness alone can be a turn off, and some will turn to porn for the endless novelty and ease - or cheat to get that excitement (even if they still love their partner). Of course, health issues play a large role in how sexual desire waxes and wanes in a person and how they feel about their partner.


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## dc366

Itiyou34 said:


> He mad at me I asked him about an open marriage. If male escort he will be really sad if I want sex from them. But I will try someday when no covid19. I want to go to Vagas for vacay myself.


The idea of directly going from a faithful monogamous marriage to an open marriage is terrible and would certainly be met with resistance from your partner especially if you have not tried to experiment around a little. You have to take baby steps. Definitely try the Vegas thing. Even if he says no, I think you should go ahead and be with an escort. It will make you feel better at the same time you wont feel too bad because you are in "vacation mode" in vegas! You may also float the idea of having a threesome.


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## snerg

Married but Happy said:


> *Sex begins to become mundane after a couple of years, for many couples*. It can still be good, but often the excitement of the early days is very difficult to keep going.


This is a sad truth.


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