# LONG & UGLY...this is a bad one...ANY HOPE????



## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

This may be on the long side as there was a lot involved. I have posted before, and it may be somewhat different in facts as that is what I knew then, and this is what I know now. 

Here we go! I will try to stay with the short version...

We have been married 3 1/2 years. We were both very happy...except for the many small lies he told...things like he wasn't smoking when he was...small lies about spending habits...and other stupid non-significant lies he told. I always knew deep down that he was lying, but ingnored it to skip the fight.

In July he was working at a house where some teenage girls lived with their parents...he ended up being charged with "communicating with a minor for immoral purposes" and "assualt 4 (for allegedly hugging and tickling her)". He did not tell me about the charges. I was clueless and knew nothing until Nov when he came home one day and said he wasn't happy and moved out. 10 days later I caught him with another woman that had moved into the house he was renting with him (mind you, he was telling me there was no one else and that we would work out our problems and be back together soon). I lost it and assualted him and went to jail for the night...he was also arrested that night for the warrants that were issued regarding the charges from July. That is when I learned about the charges. Soon thereafter I accessed an email account of his that I didn't know about and found A LOT of emails to other women...including prostitutes...asking for sex. This emails were from Sept and Oct. I was shocked and devasted. Because of the assualt, there were restraining orders put into affect that made it so we could have no contact with each other. I proceeded with divorce papers (will be final in 3 weeks). There were many hurtful, angry things that were said and passed through other people. A week and a half ago we broke the restraining orders and started talking. That was the first time we had talked since this all happened. He finally appologized...he cried...he gave some explanations. He said when he got the charges he was so affriad to tell me about them, and so sure that our marriage would end that he opted no to tell me, and then started searching for someone to take my place. He says he has always been afraid to be alone, and so he was searching for someone new. He has since admitted that he did meet up with one hooker for a BJ and that he has also slept with his ex wife a couple of times since we seperated. He admitted to flirting with many women during our marriage, but swears that until the last two months of our marriage that he was faithfull. He says that the accusations by the 17 year old were completely false...that there were some inappropriate comments made in her presence, but that they were not directed to her. 

Now what??? I have been so hurt by all of this...read my other post to get a more complete picture. I still love him so much...I'm not getting over him at all yet...he was a wonderful, and I mean wonderful, husband and father until the very end. In some ways I want to just forgive and forget, and chalk it all up to him running scared in the end, but it is a lot to deal with.

I'm sure this is jumbled jibberish, so please feel free to ask questions.

Is there any chance to work through this? Oh...and let me add...some of his confesions only came after he pledged to do anything I asked to fix this, and I requested a lie detector test...then he admitted the things he admitted...that was 3 days ago...but tonight is when he admited to sleeping with his ex-wife. Is there still more admissions to come?


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

hes probably got a whole list of things he hasnt told you !! hes a liar he cant help himself and to protect who ? it certainly isn't you. he lies to protect himself , you dont get charges on a minor for no reason .. he says hes been faithful for the last two months of your marriage !!! wow what about the other 3 years??? How much more do you need to be hurt? you could try to work through it but i think you will always doubt him.. maybe you need to spend a year apart so you can build your own self esteem !! you deserve so much better


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## T.O.girl (Dec 18, 2008)

get him to give you the police report about the charges see and also do the lie detector test


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

I have a copy of the charges...and I have spoken directly with the girl and her father. The story is the same from my husband as to what was said...he admits to saying inappropriate things that she may of heard...but says it was NOT directed to her as she says it was. 

My question is: Is this man capable of being faithful? 

He is going to counseling...we will be going to counseling together very soon. He is saying and doing everything he should be doing...but I feel like I have been the fool too many times and that he is such a good liar that he could do this again, and I would be the fool again. He hid this all so well from me that it seems he could hide anything from me and I would know nothing.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

More advice please? Anyone???


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

You claim he is a "wonderful husband". I beg to differ. The LIES he tells you make him out to be "wonderful". Who he truly is is completely different. The husband you know is a complete fabrication.

Of course he is telling you he has only slept with his ex since you have been separated....HE LIES! And since you know he lies, how many prostitutes do you really think there have been? He lies about the inconsequential stuff.....would you expect any different when it comes to the important things?

According to your screen name, you have 5 sons. Your husband is setting quite the example for them....don't you think? I wouldn't want him to teach my children that lying is in anyway acceptable.

I understand it is hard for you to "get over" him. I can't imagine what you've had to go through. But trust your instinct.....even after all this happens, he is still dropping bombshells on you. I would bet that you don't even know the half of it yet.

IMO, you should continue with the divorce. Put yourself first, work on YOU, continue with counseling, and raise your boys to be fine young men with true integrity. IF your husband continues with therapy, then maybe (BIG MAYBE) there can be something again down the road. I don't think couples counseling is prudent at this point. I think he really needs to work on himself and his issues before you are brought into the picture. 

I absolutely would not trust a word this man says, and I certainly would not take him back!


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## T.O.girl (Dec 18, 2008)

i agree with MsStacy...divorce him...or if you really really really want to stay, give him that lie detector test first, find out if there are other women/prostitues u don't know about, what were his intensions with the teenage girl...by the way if he gets convicted are u willing to stay with a convicted sex offender? this guy sounds like he likes to play with fire (teanage girls, prostitutes...and who knows what else) , he might get burned one day...


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

He took a plea bargain where they dropped the communicating charges and he plead guilty to the assualt. He is getting 45 days starting March first. 

It seems that most people on the outside say leave him...whereas my family and church leaders are saying to give him another chance...two complete opposites in advice.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

The only right answer is the one in your heart, but this is my advice. Not only did he cheat and lie, but he put you and your boys at risk. He acted very selfishly. The question is can he be transparent enough in the job he has to prove that he is straight? I would think the answer to that would be no. You know your husband better than anyone on these forums, but don't let the fact that you have been married and have loved him so long cloud your judgement here. 

draconis


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## hurt55 (Jan 20, 2009)

> I married the woman of my dreams in 2005. It was the greatest day of my life. So why did I screw up and do things that would hurt her? I flirted with other girls, when I wasn't in her presence. I quit smoking, drinking alcohol and coffee when we got together. I was recently charged with assault 4 and communication with a minor. The communication charge was dismissed but I was convicted of the assault charge. She didn't know about these charges. I tried to hide them from her as I was afraid that when she found out about them that my life with her would be over. I have never been alone in my life, I was scared. What do I do? Where do I turn? What is going to happen with my life? I thought for sure we were done. So being an idiot, and apparently an overly horny male, I started a search for another girl. I met 2 "professionals" paid one for a "BJ", just talked with the other. I don't know why I didn't allow myself to do anything with the other one, just talked to her about the business, and my wife the whole time. I haven't shown my wife how much I love her over the last few months but I absolutely do. She holds my heart, mind, and soul. We were separated for 2 months, divorce papers filed, restraining orders in place. Recently we started talking again, restraining orders lifted. We are talking about reconciliation of our marriage. I am in counseling, trying to figure out my issues. Over the last few years I have lied to her about little things, such as me having a cigarette. I would lie so convincingly that she would think it was just her. Why would I do these things to the person I love more than life itself? I don't know.. that's what I'm trying to figure out. I want so badly for my marriage to work out, but why am I such an idiot? I lied to her just two weeks ago, yet again. I slept with my ex, just prior to us starting to talk again. She asked me if I did anything with her. "EW NO", was my response. I did sleep with her, I didn't tell my wife that I did because, well first I was ashamed of myself for letting that happen, and second YUCKYUCKYUCK. So why did I let it happen? I don't know.. Am I just some sex craved perv? Is there any hope for me? I would like to think I can get beyond this. I want to be with my wife more than anything in this world. I know I can change my ways, I know I can be the father our kids need. I just need to figure out how to do it.
> PLEASE if you have any ideas, thoughts or suggestions LET ME KNOW... I want my wife to be happy... I want to live up to our vows "til death do us part". Of course if I keep being an idiot, that may be pretty soon. Hmm does she still have that life insurance policy on me? Anyways... please help me if you can.


this sound familiar...looks like you are both looking for support.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

Yes...that is him...is there any chance that he can be faithful and truthful?

I do think his name is very appropriate! lol


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I wouldn't trust him one bit. And reading his post quote above I think he wrote it after reading yours knowing you would read it and think he was feeling sorry. I would like to see the time line and see if his post came after yours or not. Could he be checking your internet use and saw you posted here? If his post came after yours my guess is it's just another deceitful ploy on his part. This man has no business being an adult example for the kids, you need to get him out of the picture. And I wouln't feel sorry for his cry of "am I just some sex craved perv". The answer is yes he is. I would get him out of the house and away from the kids. 

And I have to come down on you as well "I lost it and assulted him and went to jail for the night". Another great example for the kids. This is stuff they will remember if they have witnessed any of it. Your marriage is changing the wiring in their brains, I think all of you need to get professional help.

Cooper


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

I know me assualting him was not a good move...my boys did not see that as it was in the house he was renting, and my boys were at my house. It was not like I even hurt him more than a couple of scratches...he is 6'3" and I am 5'4". It was my raw emotion coming to the surface. Don't get me wrong...I am not defending what I did...really, I'm not. I'm the one who has to be in the legal system now...I have no prior criminal history. 

Yes, his post did come in after mine...I told him about this site and he thought maybe he could get some good advice. He was appreciative of the post by Draconis. He had not even thought of his acts as being selfish. After thinking about that and talking about it, he realizes how selfish he is...not just in his infidelity but in other aspects of what our marriage was.

He was so secretive about this that the kids had no idea...they event thought it was their fault when he left....which I talked to them a lot about to make sure they knew it had nothing to do with them or me, that it was strictly his issue.

I honestly wish there was a way for this all to be fixed...but I can't see how. He seems very sincere...and for the first time in his life has admitted that he has a problem and is seeking help. Despite how this all makes him sound, he is a good person....he has made some massive and i mean MASSIVE mistakes. It just seems like most of our marriage was absolutely wonderful and then he went off the deep end bad. His background plays a big part in all of this I think...his last marriage was not normal in any way...his wife insisted on threesomes and swinging...he was appalled by the idea at first, but when she said that was the only way she would be happy, he went along with it. They lived a very poor lifestyle, pawning items to make bills, moveing from apartment to apartment every six months. When he married me...life was so different than what he was used to. I have a nice house, nice vehicles, ect...but with that comes a lot of responsibility and bills. When we married, his four children came to live with us making a total of 9 kids. We started a business...talk about stress. Because of all the money that was needed to start the business, and some unwise spending on both our parts, we filed for bankruptcy last May...coincidently just months before this all started. It just seems as thought the stress got to be too much for him, and he reverted to his old lifestyle. He has been absolutly miserable since this all happened. 

As for the minor, she was 17, which in this state is past the age of consent, so the charges were dropped for the communicating. He knows it was wrong even if he's not getting in legal trouble for it. He will not have to register as a sex offender. I am sickened by all of his actions. Sadly, I do love him very much and would like to give him another chance. I can't help but see the potential he has if he can confront and deal with his issues. I cannot imagine life without him. I know that is hard to understand...I can barely sort out my own feelings right now...I am actually looking forward to his 45 day stay in jail for the assault, so I can sort out my feelings without talking to him and seeing him.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I agree with Mommy22 I was watching this special on MSNBC child preditors OMG SCARYYYYY You have to be so careful and what he is and has done is a very big red flag expecially with a minor. and you have kids you need to protect.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

I would have to say give him another chance after a full regemin of therapy and STD testing. After that, one screw up and straight to the attorney you go. No forums, no doubts, it's over.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

In my opinion you should end it. Ask yourself what positive influence he has on your life and your children. He is at best very irresponsible, a liar, and a cheat. There seems to be more to those charges, we can't have the full picture. Was the 17 year old girl the one who complained? Was it unwanted attention? That is a whole other issue if he is giving unwanted attention. Then assault, there was touching involved so its not innocent comments. Who did he make them to? 

You were arrested for assault. Up until then would you have ever imagined going to jail? While I do not condone your actions, nor excuse them, and I fully believe you are responsible for your actions, I UNDERSTAND them. In fact in everything I have read its actually a normal reaction to feel violent towards your spouse and the one they cheated with and sometimes act on that. He's bringing out the worst in you and bringing you down with him. 

Only you can decide but ask yourself, am I a better person today. You CAN live without him. Of course it will be hard and painful, and no one can take away the pain but you can manage through it and you deserve a happier ending than this. Your children learn from you and repeat patterns. Do you want your children in a marriage like this? If they were would you advise them to cut and run? If the answer is yes you'd tell them to cut and run, you deserve the same. 

I can see the snowball affect he has created but he is also picking and choosing what truths to tell you. He is exposing you to all kinds of things, and your children do know. They pick up on it.

I recommend you speak with an attorney, while he is in jail migt be the best time to get your ducks in a row. I also think you need to join a support group. Through my local church I found the most wonderful single mom's group. They were lifesavers. Also work on yourself. Rebuild the damage that has been done here. It must first start with you. You are worth it, so concentrate on getting your life back in order and don't violate that restraining order, you could get in more trouble. Take care of you and take care of your kids.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

I have since learned that this particular 17 year old is not an innocent 17 year old by any means. After learning more about this girl from several different sources, and talking to all of our employees that were at that house when this all happened, he is being truthful about what happened there; The girls there that ranged from 17 to 20 were making many sexual comment to all of the guys that were there...in turn the guys made sexual comments as well. He know that he should never of played that game in anyway. He, and the other guys, said it was flattering and that no harm was intended, but they all realize the seriousness of what they allowed to continue, and all of our employees are extremely lucky that none of them were included in the criminal charges as they were all guilty in their comments. As for the girl...she portrayed herself as an Innocent victim who's innocence was taken as a result of the comments made by my husband, but in reality, she made more sexual comments than he did, and she is quite promiscuous even though she claims to be a virgin to her parents. They are very religious (which is great, I'm not knocking that) but their daughter lies a lot to them in order to stay innocent in their eyes. This info has come from many sources, and had been confirmed and reconfirmed. I am not saying my husband didn't do anything wrong, but what he did do should not of resulted in criminal charges. He plead guilty to the assault because he knew that going to trial would result in a longer sentence. The trial would of been her word against his word, and we all know he would of looked guilty. There were no witnesses to testify on her behalf, and the witnesses on his behalf could only say that to the best of their knowledge, nothing happened. 

I am going to prolong the divorce. I want that time while he is in jail to really analyze the situation and my feelings. He will be drawing up a post-nup with his attorney tomorrow that will make it so if our marriage ends, by my choice or his, that I will get everything, including the parenting plan that I want. He knows the road will be long and hard, and at this point I cannot give him any guarantees that I won't change my mind and end it. He has been to counseling a couple of times, and we had our first session of marriage counseling. This will not be easy no matter what path I take.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Why is it none of the others were charged was it specifically because he hugged her or whatever the assualt charges stemmed from? 

Get the details of his case and read through it if you have not. 

It sounds like you have decided to try to work through this but have also protected yourself. He's got a lot to make up for and has a lot to do to earn your trust. If he doesn't do that, you need to leave him. Either way you have a difficult path. Be sure to get some support either through your church, counseling, support groups etc. Don't go it alone. Keep us posted.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

I'm not sure why the others weren't charged...I'm guessing it is because he is the business owner...I'm still expecting a civil law suit out of this with them looking for a cash settlement...after all contractors are rich! Right? Yeah....well not this one! 

I do have a copy of the police report and charges, and the things she said he said...I know he said. What doesn't add up is that all the witnesses involved said the comments were made between him and his workers...not to the girl. And the initial investigators felt that the girl had been coached by her mother. Was he inappropriate? Absolutely. Was he guilty of a crime? No. Am I hurt by this? Definitely. Has he learned a lesson from all of this? Oh, Yes. He has learned that sexual comments can get him in a world of trouble. He has learned that it is more important to be the boss and run the job cleanly, than to be friends with his employees. He has learned that his employees will have more respect for him as a boss and a person, if he acts like a boss and keeps things professional.

Update: I have been to two marriage counselors, and a personal counselor now...much to my surprise...they are saying that this marriage can be fixed and repaired. They are saying the best way to accomplish this is to have him living in our home together. They say the kids will be fine, that it is better for them to see an attempt to reconcile (even it it ends eventually) then to live with him leaving so suddenly. That the pain from the abandonment will be more difficult than what they are going through now with him trying to fix what he messed up. One of my closest friends won't even speak to me right now because "I am exposing my kids to that man again". I was thinking maybe she was right until I heard the counselors views of it. The other thing the counselors are saying is...that he needs to get evaluated by a psychiatrist for sexual addiction, and that we have ALOT of strengths in our marriage, and that his willingness to seek help and finally completely confess and take full responsibility is very important and shows them his commitment to fixing his issues once and for all. 

Please, feel free to express your feelings and insight to this. I am still a mess of confusion. They also told me I am putting too much weight on this decision. That just because I am willing to work on it, does not mean I am willing or even should be willing to accept his apologies, or give him an answer to the ending or saving the marriage. They said that decision does not need to be made today or anytime soon. That came as a relief to me, as I had felt I was giving a yes or no to our marriage, and I don't feel ready for that yet. The only thing I'm giving a definite yes to right now is trying to fix things, and not getting a divorce yet. 

Make any sense? All insight and comments are appreciated.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

The problem with these situations is its extremely important to understand why he's all of a sudden turning the corner and wanting to work everything out. I think it is wonderful that he is, but understanding the motivation for his change is important in making it a permanent change.

sexual addicts cannot stand 'bad' feelings. they'll do anything to avoid them. they go with the flow and love the attention. They need. I dont know what motivated your H to turn the corner and confess. but im guessing the thought of losing you, and the family, started to be a 'bad' feeling and he didnt want that to happen. This is a horrible motivator for him to quit. when he feels comfortable again, he'll falter again. 

He's going to have to learn how to deal with not feeling good, and turning down something he thinks will make him feel good. You're going to find your H is probably a very depressed, angry person.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

Very interesting...I'm sure I will learn more going through all of this than I ever wanted to know. 

From what he has told me, he did not fully realize what the kids (mine from a previous marriage) and I meant to him until he lost us. He had been wanting to fix things and confess since he left, but did not think there was a chance in the world I would even listen to him. And then there were restraining orders in place that kept us from communicating at all for risk of going to jail. It was when we both mutually broke the restraining orders that he finally apologized and started telling me the truth and admitting what had happened. 

He said the months he was separated were the most miserable months of his life, and that all he could do was think of me and the pain he caused my children and I. He said he realized that of his adult life, the happiest years were with me. He has been through separation and divorce before and at first thought it would feel the same as it did the other times, but soon realized he cared very little for his first wife, and it was a whole different ball game with me. 

This is the first time he has been willing to go to counseling, both personal and marriage...it is the first time he as admitted to having any type of problem...it is the first time he has felt so miserable that he felt his life had no meaning. He is constantly apologizing for what he did and the pain he caused.

The question is...is this all bull? Or is he sincere and ready to change?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

oh no i think he is sincere. he's doing a lot. but wanting to change, and being able to are very different. 

i can see the problem in what you wrote, already. He's going after what feels good. This is not a bad thing if its what's going to initially motivate him. but it cannot be the soul motivation. He says, 'the best days of my life where with you.' oh, that's just trouble. he's romanticizing the marriage, in my opinion. he's trying to escape his pain.

dont get me wrong, on any healthy level that's a fine motivation. but he's not on a healthy level. he's chasing a high. 

go with the high for the moment. but realize its an illusion and the methods he's employing to save his marriage are the same ones he used to destroy it. he has not changed.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

That makes a lot of sense. Except that I truly believe our marriage was the best years of his life, as it was mine, until all of this happened. I know what his last marriage consisted of...it was not good in any way...and he reverted to those same patterns as soon as he thought he could not have me any longer. His last marriage consisted of infidelity on both sides, swinging and threesomes. Thus the thought that he may have a sexual addiction that he has tried to suppress during our marriage and it finally got the better of him. Now don't get me wrong, I happen to agree with you...but I was thinking of it in a different way. I was comparing our reconciliation to being in the honey moon phase again...as far as we are very much in love...we are expressing it frequently...we missed each other terribly so we are happy for every moment we spend together, and there is a lot of really good sex (minus my jaw injury that you can read about in one of my other posts! lol). So my concern, and I've expressed this to him, is that when we get past this honey moon phase again, and life returns to normal, so will he. Life will get crazy busy and stressful, there will be days we can not spend so much one on one with each other...then what? Because as we both know, love is a choice, not a feeling, and he must choose to love and to be faithful and commited...even when struggles arise as we all know they do. How do I know he will turn tale and run again if life gets rough? Even in the best of marriages life gets mundane and comfortable...then what???

I hope that he can get the answers and fixes he needs. I will not settle for constant worry and concern. I need him to be what a good man should be...the potential is there! I know it is...but can he do it?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

ya that would be my concern too-what happens when life goes back to normal. 

you know my H has a sex addiction. no where near the severity of yours, but one thing i always knew was i could not rely on him not screwing up again. its an addiction. i know he'll screw up again. 

I think your H will screw up again. I dont say that to be mean. its just my opinion. but i actually think he will leave you. 

i hope that isnt a mean thing to say. i know you're going through a lot and im not trying to be mean. Its just ive seen this so often with addicts and the ones who try to save them.


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## f'nidiotneedshelp (Feb 1, 2009)

I know that I have done a lot wrong, I know there is a possibility that I may have an addiction. I am willing to do what it takes to make this woman VERY VERY happy. I want this marriage to be my last one, I want her to be happier than she has ever been. I am willing to do what it takes to make her happy. I am willing to accept any responsibility that I need to. I want everyone to know that I can be the man I need to be for my wife, my kids (our kids), and for myself. I know that my wife is my world. Whatever length the road is, whatever the height of the wall that I have to climb, it doesn't matter, I will do it. I feel absolutely terrible for what I have done, and how I have done it. If the marriage has to end at ANY time, it will not be me leaving, it will be her. I am in this for the duration, I don't care how long it has to take. If I need to go to some sort of class, if I need medication, if I need the little white men with the little white jackets with the cross on the back, it doesn't matter to me as long as I know that I am doing my part to make my wife and kids and myself happy. I will do everything that I have to do to change my ways and make my wife the happiest woman in the world.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

f'nidiotneedshelp said:


> I am willing to do what it takes to make her happy. I am willing to accept any responsibility that I need to.


Today, ya. tomorrow probably. but how do you know you will be willing to do what it takes to make her happy five years from now?


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## f'nidiotneedshelp (Feb 1, 2009)

I will do what I can do to prevent it from happening again, no matter what it takes. I have never been an open and honest person, that is all changing. I am tired of being dishonest, unfaithful, no good, worthless, etc. My kids need a good example in their life, if I can't do it someone else will, I'm not willing to accept that. I am their father, I am the one that they will learn things that they need to do in their life from. I don't want them to think that the things that I have done, am doing, is the way that a man needs to live his life. I want them to see that I can love, honor, and cherish mom with 100% of everything that she needs, wants, and deserves. I have made a lot of mistakes, probably will make some again someday. I am willing now to take responsibility for any and all mistakes that I make in my life, I have never been willing to do this before. I am at the point in my life that I need to show one woman, this woman, the love that I have to share. I am not willing to share it with anyone else EVER. I want to be here. This is our home, this is where my kids are, this is where my kids are going to learn their life lessons from, if I can't teach it to them myself, and show them how to be a man for their mom, then what good am I?? It's time for a change, has been time, and now I am doing that. I am going to do what I can to make sure that I NEVER stray from this woman again, she means too much to me. I realized just how much she meant to me the day I almost drove off of a cliff because I was so upset that I wasn't with her. I didn't because I thought of the kids, ALL of the kids, and what kind of an example that would show them. It's time for me to be a man, for once in my life. My kids will learn what a real man should be, from ME! That's where they need to learn from.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

f'nidiotneedshelp said:


> I don't know for sure I guess, all I know is that I will do what I can do to prevent it from happening again.


thats good. that says a lot about where you're at.


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