# What is he thinking



## pantherfan01 (Apr 5, 2013)

I am writing this on behalf of a friend. We have been friends for 20+ years and I feel like I know her and her husband well. My friend has been in what she and everyone considered to be the ideal marriage. She has been married to her high school sweet heart for 25+ years. They have always appeared to be completely in love. Always affectionate, loving, laughing, putting the other first, rarely have conflict, wonderful teenage girls that are all around great kids. Both are attractive, take care of themselves, have successful careers, a beautiful home, great family trips, on and on. In 20 years, I have never heard my friend say one negative word about her spouse. 

About five years ago he seemed to have a 3-6 month period of erratic behavior that included binge drinking (they are both non-drinkers). They worked through it and my friend chalked it up as a mid-life crisis and that it had brought them closer than ever.

Very recently he started working late which included not responding to text or calls in the middle of the night. My friend caught him in a lie and let him know that she was scared that he wasn't being honest with her. He convinced her how much he loved her and would never hurt her; that she was the love of his life and they had everything anyone would ever dream of. Two days later, he up and left. No notice, no explanation. He just said that it was over and for her not to have any contact with him ever. He doesn't want any contact with his three girls and said he was tired of being a husband and father. 

She found out pretty quickly that he had moved to a very seedy area of town and was living in a run down condo with someone that appears to be a prostitute. Not stating they are, they just appear to be. She has confirmed they are a couple. His girlfriend is the complete opposite physical profile (from all angles, sizes, ethnicity) of his wife. He is a pretty successful business owner and was willing to give up what appeared to be this ideal life for a seedy, run down apartment with a woman that makes you scratch your head as to why he would be interested. 

My friends says she thought they had a solid sex life and he always talked about how good it was so I don't think it was purely sex related. This only thing I can come up with is that my friend does have a strong personality as well as higher expectations than most for those around her. I don't think at all that her expectations are unreasonable but more aligned with just wanting high standards in her life. She has a great sense of humor, very silly and creative but never believed in alcohol, cussing, smoking. I have never known her to be judgemental...doesn't care about others behaviors just expected a high moral compass for her immediate family. Even as I type that, I just don't think that compass was in any way over the top. I am just digging for a reason he might have done this. 

Can anyone out there remotely explain why someone would walk away so drastically with no apparent warning signals? I am so very sad for my friend and her girls and am trying to support her as best I can. As of now, she is handling it remarkably well and has no interest in fixing it. I think she is just in shock. Any ideas?


----------



## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

Can't guess what he is thinking. I suspect more alcohol or perhaps drugs are involved. I wonder if the reason he didn't return calls is that he was not in the office.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This has nothing to do with whether or not she is flawed. If he had problems with her and the marriage, he should have said something to her, insisted on counseling, etc. The affair is 100% his fault.

So she knows of at least two times when he cheated.

It is very easy for his affair partner to meet his needs. After all he has no responsibilities to her. They don't have children together. Up to now they have not run a household together.

Affairs seldom last long once the wayward spouse leaves their betrayed spouse. The book explains why. Only about 3% of affairs ever turn into a long term relationship.


There is a book that might help to explain what is going on with the affair "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley.

Your friend's husband has been having sex with other women. She needs to go get an STD test.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

pantherfan01 said:


> I am writing this on behalf of a friend. We have been friends for 20+ years and I feel like I know her and her husband well. My friend has been in what she and everyone considered to be the ideal marriage. She has been married to her high school sweet heart for 25+ years. They have always appeared to be completely in love. Always affectionate, loving, laughing, putting the other first, rarely have conflict, wonderful teenage girls that are all around great kids. Both are attractive, take care of themselves, have successful careers, a beautiful home, great family trips, on and on. In 20 years, I have never heard my friend say one negative word about her spouse.
> 
> About five years ago he seemed to have a 3-6 month period of erratic behavior that included binge drinking (they are both non-drinkers). They worked through it and my friend chalked it up as a mid-life crisis and that it had brought them closer than ever.
> 
> ...


Sounds like the classic WAS scenario to me. Some here will argue it doesn't happen but as you can see from your example it does. Honestly these are the hardest people to get over because you can never really latch on to any reason why they left, what you can do to prevent or avoid it. It just sometimes happens that a person breaks down (insert reason here) and destroys a marriage. Only takes one person to blow something up.

I hope your friend is able to move forward and find a good life partner


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Is it possible that he is doing drugs? 

Your friend needs to start protecting the assets. Open a new bank account put half of funds inside. Start divorce proceeding immediately.

Because if he is on drugs and living that kind of life, everything will be lost and quickly too. Advice her to put in for divorce.


----------



## pantherfan01 (Apr 5, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> This has nothing to do with whether or not she is flawed. If he had problems with her and the marriage, he should have said something to her, insisted on counseling, etc. The affair is 100% his fault.
> 
> So she knows of at least two times when he cheated.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the input. I guess sometimes there is not a answer that we would find acceptable or understand. Personally I think that it is much for than a decision or mid-life crisis. I think it could be a true mental breakdown of some sort. Something that has gone undiagnosed and therefore just erupted. She is doing all the things mentioned. Been to the doctor, hired the best lawyer she can find, etc. I did have a question about "Sounds like a classic WAS..." are you saying WAS as in past tense or is WAS an acronym for something.


----------



## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

I think WAS = Walk Away Spouse


----------

