# Looking to reconcile.



## Sunchaser

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## EleGirl

Well, the 180 was a bad idea. Take a look at the 180 linked in my signature block below. What it says is that it's how you interact with your spouse when they are carrying on an affair. The point is to do it until one of two things happen 1) your spouse ends the affair, goes no contact with affair partner and agrees to work on reconciliation or 2) your fall out of love with your spouse and file for divorce. 

A marriage cannot be reconciled if both people are not talking to each other.

Can your marriage be fixed? There's a chance. Get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them. Do the work they suggest. And don't let her see you reading the books. Just become a better man/husband. As long as you are still living in the same house, you have a chance to show her that you are changing.

If she gets to the point of wanting to work on the marriage, then ask her to read the books with you and do the work together to rebuild your marriage.

If on the other hand, she never gets to that point, you will have learned what a good marriage looks like and will do better next time.

How old are the two of you?

Why are you two living with roommates?


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## Lostinthought61

Why is she asking for a divorce....just a possibility but if she was cheating and you offered this then you have just given her the best Christmas present....she could have her extra and you as a friend.


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## Yeswecan

What is the reason for divorce? Simply stated it on a whim?


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## Sunchaser

We are in our early 20’s. Reason for divorce is she has been unhappy and she says our personalities clash. I also have not been there when I needed to be and have not been as supporting as I should be. Elegirl-I do not see any signature? Please help


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## Thor

My suggestion is you seek personal self improvement for your own sake. It may or may not bring her back to you. You say you know of some mistakes you've made, so start there. The books Ele recommends are good ones.

I would simply ask your W if there is any possibility of her working with you in counseling to try to repair the marriage. It could be your W is trying "Shock and Awe", trying to wake you up in hopes of saving the marriage. If that is the case, you leading by asking her to go to marriage counseling could be a good step forward. However, she may have gone past the point of no return emotionally. She may have already checked out and decided the marriage is over.

In your early 20's you both will change a lot. It would not be a surprise if you both grew in different directions in the past couple of years. It could be you were a great match a few years ago but no longer are. What I'm saying is perhaps you will both be happier if you do split. It could be nobody's true fault, and there may be no reason for hate or heated arguments. Sometimes parting as friends is not only possible but the right path. If she has made a firm decision to leave, it will end up being ok for you even though not fun in the short term.

Good luck to you both.


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## Yeswecan

Sunchaser said:


> We are in our early 20’s. Reason for divorce is she has been unhappy and she says our personalities clash. I also have not been there when I needed to be and have not been as supporting as I should be. Elegirl-I do not see any signature? Please help


Did your W discuss this with you and allow time for you to change? When I was 20 there was no handbook for husbands that I was aware of. May have been but I never looked for it. I was failing quite a bit. Finally figured it out. My W talked about it. Took me a while to understand what she wanted.


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## NickyT

You have only been married 2 years and she is asking for a divorce. You state that you have personal issues to attend to. This is a gift. End the marriage, work on yourself. You don't need to be spending your life hoping you have "fixed" yourself enough to please her and wondering if she still secretly wants a divorce. Never beg. It demeans you and she only things less of you. She might give in. If she does, you will never be sure it was her true desire.

Good luck.


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## Sunchaser

As far as discussing this and allowzing me to change. She said it’s to late to work on this. Although we may have grown in our early 20s I feel like we are better then before. I don’t know why she doesn’t want to work on this. I’m still scared by how happy she is around me as just friends? What does this mean? As far as the shock and awe thing goes, this may be possible but I don’t think this is true and she seems done with it and not thinking about reconciling. How do I save this. I know some of you are saying his this is a gift to me but it’s not. I married the girl of my dreams, no kidding here. I still believe that to this day. I will look into the books that were mentioned


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## Thor

Keep in mind that chasing her will look weak and needy, which is the opposite of attractive.


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## x598

"personalities clash".....this is the biggest BS mumbo jumbo and the classic "i wont be honest and tell you the real reason". ask for a concrete example, time and place, of how horrible you treated here to warrant this. bet she waffles more than Ihop.

thousand bucks says she is cheating.

read up on this site, especially the coping with infidelity forum, and see how many similar stories there are to yours.


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## Sunchaser

What would be the best route then, as to not chase and pressure her? She’s not the type of person to cheat. Trust me


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## Sunchaser

And Even if so, what is the best course to recover this. I know I’m asking a lot but I need help to fix this.


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## Sunchaser

We still talk and what not, as if we are friends that is. Is this good or bad. I don’t want to push anything as this would all come crashing down. I’ve already told her I would stop pressuring her. Which everyone on here seems to agree to.


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## Yeswecan

Sunchaser said:


> She’s not the type of person to cheat. Trust me


There are many before you that stated the exact same words only to find it was not true. 



Sunchaser said:


> We still talk and what not, as if we are friends that is. Is this good or bad. I don’t want to push anything as this would all come crashing down. I’ve already told her I would stop pressuring her. Which everyone on here seems to agree to.


Your W wants this to appear as an amicable split. "All is great with us. We talked it over and both agreed to be friends." Further, there is possibly a weight off your W chest as she wanted to make this move for sometime. She is now happily dumping the marriage.


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## Sunchaser

So instead of dumping this marriage. Is there a way to save this


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## Bonkers

Sunchaser said:


> We still talk and what not


Do you often use the term "what not" when speaking to her? If so this could be part of the reason. I find it particularly annoying. It's like the person doesn't have anything useful to add so they just fill in the blank with gibberish.


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## happy as a clam

Sunchaser said:


> So instead of dumping this marriage. *Is there a way to save this?*


Only if BOTH people want to save it. All you can do right now is respect her wishes. Back off, don’t pressure her, work on yourself. Don’t be whiny and mopey around her (VERY unattractive).

In time she may realize she doesn’t want to let the relationship go. The operative word here is “time”. It may take months for her come around, if at all. In the meantime all you can do is keep moving forward and getting stronger — mentally, physically and emotionally.

No begging, pleading or whining or you can be assured of a swift ending.


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## Sunchaser

No I’m also not really a fan of the term “what not” either . Is there any process to this? Or just sit and wait and sit and wait? Do I make “moves”, if so what kind? Thanks for all the answers


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## Bonkers

Read up on implementing the "180". 

There are posts about it all over this forum. 

Realize that you do it not as some sort of manipulative tool to try to "win her back" by acting differently. You do it to keep your sanity and prepare for live without her, understanding that sometimes the wayward spouse likes the changes and comes back for more but it's not "The" reason to do the 180, because if it's used as a manipulative tool, any results will be temporary because it's an artificial situation and it will ultimately fail when reality sets in that nothing has really changed and the problems that led to the separation still exist. 

Short version- work on yourself, focus on improving yourself, do it for you and you alone and she may follow but don't count on it.


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## x598

Sunchaser said:


> So instead of dumping this marriage. Is there a way to save this


yeah but you wont like it.

she doesnt value YOU or the marriage. 

give her what she asks. tell her lets go file TODAY and then go dark on her. move on with your life.

then if she isnt cheating (doubtful) the time apart/alone she may actually figure out you werent so horrible.


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## Yeswecan

Sunchaser said:


> So instead of dumping this marriage. Is there a way to save this


Not until you get to the true reason your W is requesting a D. Even then, the reason maybe one that will make you demand a D immediately.


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## Yeswecan

Sunchaser said:


> No I’m also not really a fan of the term “what not” either . Is there any process to this? Or just sit and wait and sit and wait? Do I make “moves”, if so what kind? Thanks for all the answers


Yes, you make a move to a lawyer. Don't sit there taking it. Your W appears to be in control. I gather this by your W happy go lucky attitude of being your "friend" now. WTH? Stop chasing the sun and take control.


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## Edmund

Sunchaser said:


> As far as discussing this and allowzing me to change. She said it’s to late to work on this. Although we may have grown in our early 20s I feel like we are better then before. I don’t know why she doesn’t want to work on this. I’m still scared by how happy she is around me as just friends? What does this mean? As far as the shock and awe thing goes, this may be possible but I don’t think this is true and she seems done with it and not thinking about reconciling. How do I save this. I know some of you are saying his this is a gift to me but it’s not. I married the girl of my dreams, no kidding here. I still believe that to this day. I will look into the books that were mentioned


It is certainly not too late to work on this non-problem. Sorry Sunchaser, she is seeing someone else and she is happy now because when you find out she can say we agreed to divorce so I am free to date. You probably got married too young. You might just put up a profile on match or tinder or some OLD site and start messaging women and see how she reacts when she finds out.


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## Marc878

You alone cannot fix this. Check your phone bill.


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## Thor

Sunchaser said:


> What would be the best route then, as to not chase and pressure her? She’s not the type of person to cheat. Trust me





Sunchaser said:


> And Even if so, what is the best course to recover this. I know I’m asking a lot but I need help to fix this.


If she is cheating, it is a whole different animal than if she has just checked out of the marriage.

Your best bet is to be strong and independent, and to lead into a divorce. Since she has said there is no chance left to save the marriage, I don't think any more conversations about reading books or going to MC are going to be helpful.

You can always get back together with her after you get divorced. Nothing is necessarily permanent in any direction here.

At this point in time she is not attracted to you, for whatever reason. You aren't going to Nice her back into loving you. Nor are you going to somehow prove your worth to her by showing her how hard you are working on self improvement or being a better husband. Your best bet is to move cooperatively towards divorce. During the process I would definitely *not* do anything like dating or acting single!

Your attitude around her should be one of being a polite acquaintance. She has fired you as her husband, so she no longer gets the emotional benefits of a husband. You can be cooperative with practical things like chores around the house etc. There's no reason to go scorched earth. But she is no longer your best friend. She is just a room mate.

If she is cheating, this approach may snap her out of it, but I seriously doubt it. She sounds like a walk-away-wife scenario if she is cheating. She has decided the grass is greener elsewhere. Again, you're not going to Nice her back into the marriage if she is cheating. Since she has asked for divorce, you filing for divorce is not likely to snap her out of the affair.

While it is quite common in your kind of scenario for the wife to be cheating, you haven't shown any concerns about red flags such as guarding her phone, new clothing, odd events, etc. I don't think it actually matters if she is cheating, simply because she has said she is done and wants a divorce.


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## Openminded

Give her what she wants. Maybe she'll change her mind and maybe she won't. It's her life. You focus on yours.


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## Rick Blaine

She is either cheating or she is a renter, not in it for life. If she had problems she should have communicated them with you openly instead of just quitting so early in the marriage. Falling out of love is problem to solve, not an excuse to quit the marriage. 

Don't beg or cry. Be strong and dignified. It is good to let her know that you love her and want to work through your issues, just don't plead with her.

I concur with @EleGirl. Read His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters. You will learn a lot. And if she comes around laterhave her read them too.

I would get your snooping game on. Something is fishy. Most betrayed spouses think their wives would never cheat. Then they discover the truth. We see that here on TAM all the time. Did she tell you I love you but I am not in love with you? If she did that is most often a dead giveaway of an affair that is in progress.


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## GusPolinski

Sunchaser said:


> What would be the best route then, as to not chase and pressure her? She’s not the type of person to cheat. Trust me


It might surprise you to learn that nearly every guy that ever discovered his wife was cheating told himself exactly that...

..._just_ before discovering his wife was cheating.


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## NickyT

Sunchaser said:


> As far as discussing this and allowzing me to change. She said it’s to late to work on this. Although we may have grown in our early 20s I feel like we are better then before. I don’t know why she doesn’t want to work on this. I’m still scared by how happy she is around me as just friends? What does this mean? As far as the shock and awe thing goes, this may be possible but I don’t think this is true and she seems done with it and not thinking about reconciling. How do I save this. I know some of you are saying his this is a gift to me but it’s not. I married the girl of my dreams, no kidding here. I still believe that to this day. I will look into the books that were mentioned


It is possible that she seems happy around you as just friends because she is relieved that the marriage is over. I don't know the answer, but one thing that I have learned that I would like to pass along is this: when things just don't make sense no matter how you look at them, the person you are dealing with is not giving you all the information.


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