# My Father does not like my wife, what do I do?



## StressedOutSpouse

I have been with my wife since 2007 and over the years before getting married in 2012, my father has never really been excited that the woman I love is my wife. He has tolerated her at best and her weight is always something he harps about (being heavy or 'fat' in any capacity is apparently akin to being scum if you are on my father's side of the family) at get togethers off and on over the years, while also simultaneously asking if everyone had enough to eat at dinner.

Well, yesterday things came to a head. We had all (me, my 3 yr old, my mom, sister, brother in law, baby niece, dad and wife) gone over my parents house to jointly celebrate my wife's late Februaru and birthday and my dad's early March birthday.

Things started out fine, gave the birthday people their gifts while the little kiddies played, no worries. Then we decided on what to get in for dinner, chinese food was agreed upon and we set to deciding on what to get. Again, no problems. My wife and sister start getting into a discussion over the kids birthdays (they are 2 days apart), and my father keeps walking in and out of the room so he is not really hearing what is going on, but my wife starts getting loud and emotional so this triggers him and gets him upset.

Next thing I know, he is yelling at her for using colorful language, she gets defensive, he gets made, tells her to get "your fat ass out of here!!" and she vert upsetly gets up, gets her coat and leaves. I yell at my father, and after a few minutes of back and forth, we explain to him that my wife was not getting angry, she was opening herself up to us, even thanked my parents for stepping up the week earlier and helping her out with our son when she was sick and with everything else they had done for us lately. My sister said "She was opening up to us, was thanking you guys and then you walked over to her and told her 'go to hell' Dad.". This made my father feel like an idiot, I went out to find my wife, she came back, he apologized, my wife tried talking with my Mom & Sister again, but the kids started getting tired and we all went home. Not a very happy birthday for anyone.

Today, we are all drained and are emotionally bankrupt, she is still upset because she never knew 100% that my father did not like her, anf appology or not, you can't unring the bell.

I feel horrible, things finally seemed like they were getting better and with a few hastily spoken words it is all undone.

My wife believes that NO ONE in my family loves her now, she will not hear anything otherwise and everytime I say a peep all it does is sound like I am just defending them to her. 

My mother has always cared about her, because I love her and they share a love of reading, but my father has made get togethers awkward. What sucks even more is all the help they have given us is meaningless to her and that makes me feel worse. I want a positive environment for my son to be in, but I am not sure what to do anymore.


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## Mr.Married

Wow....that is just flat out terrible. Your wife must be really hurt and your father is a real piece of sh*t. My mother had some issues with my wife
and we set up hard boundaries of what we would accept. We did not allow any such behavior and would go absolutely zero contact any time it
happened. My mother learned her behavior was unacceptable and things are much different now. What ever you do....do not try to sugar coat
everything and try to smooth it over. Your wife is looking for your support now. Choose HER every time and set a hard boundary with your
father. Your wife is your partner in life. If your father has no consequences for his actions the pattern will repeat over and over. Your wife
must be really hurt.

Best of luck


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## sokillme

Well at least you stood up to him. I would call him and tell him what an ass he mad of himself and let your whole family know that they really hurt her. Like @Mr.Married said cut them off, they will get the message. Your Mom is going to give him hell if she can't see her grand kids. Make sure your wife knows that at least one person in the family loves her, you. This is your role as her husband.


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## Mr.Married

sokillme said:


> well at least you stood up to him. I would call him and tell him what an ass he mad of himself and let your whole family know that they really hurt her. Like @mr.married said cut them off, they will get the message. Your mom is going to give him hell if she can't see her grand kids. Make sure your wife knows that at least one person in the family loves her, you. This is your role as her husband.



exactly !!!!!


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## Diana7

There is no way that I would allow any family member to speak to my husband like that. What he said was appalling, and I am not surprised that she is very hurt. Its good that you and other family members stood up for her, but for the foreseeable future I would make sure that you don't see him. 
I don't see why the rest of the family can't see you and the children, maybe they can come to your house? I am not sure why she blames them all, its your dad that is the rude one here. 

Did your mum stand up to him for what he did? You mentioned your sister but not your mum.


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## EleGirl

Your wife rightly feels attacked.

I wonder if you can talk to your mother and sister and have them come see your wife and reassure her that the problem is your father and that they do care about her. And in the further they will protect her from your father.

What's your father's problem? Does your father treat anyone else like this?


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## Satya

Why didn't you stand up to your father years (?) ago when you first knew he disliked your wife? Your wife had no clue, but you did, and had you intervened earlier, likely one of two things would have happened: your father would have kept his opinions to himself during your visit or you'd be disowned and wouldn't have been there anyway.


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## FalCod

I'd lay out ground rules with your father. Bluntly let him know that she's your wife and that he has to accept that you consider anything negative said about her to apply to you as well. You won't tolerate it and if it continues, he'll lose contact with her, you, and his grandchildren.


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## frusdil

Why the heck, the very first time ever that your father was rude to your wife, stand up and tell him "If you want to see me and your grandchildren again you will apologise to my wife and NEVER say ANYTHING negative about her again!"


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## As'laDain

"dad, i dont know what makes you think it is ok to talk to treat my wife like that, but since you are going to exercise your right to treat her like crap, i am going to exercise my right to protect my family from toxic people and keep you out of our lives."

done.


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## tropicalbeachiwish

How old is your father? While he may not like your wife, are these types of outbursts unusual for him? It could be onsets of dementia (agitation, inappropriate behavior). Your wife definitely needs time and space from your father.


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## Primrose

So, your wife is a loving spouse to you, a good mother to your children, and I assume is kind to your family. Yet none of that matters to your dad. What matters the most is that she is overweight.

This speaks volumes as to the character your father possesses. And, truth be told, the fact that it has taken you THIS long to speak up on her behalf shows a bit of yours, too. Either her weight is a touchy subject to you as well, or you fear the wrath of your dad. Either way, this should have been squashed years ago.


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## joe kidd

If any other man spoke to my wife like that there would be consequences . I would be hard pressed to make an exception for my father.


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## Pantone429c

This is an issue where your Father dose not respect you and he displays that lack of respect for YOU by being ugly towards your wife. I’d bet that you have never directly confronted your father about his behavior towards your wife. 
No one can tell you what to do, if it were me I’d except the fact that he is disrespecting me and get him alone and demand to know why. Once you know why that you will be better equipped to deal with the problem


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## bencoll

Another reminder is that your father is not married to your wife. If he doesn't like her, then be firm that you and your wife are together and him not liking her wont make you change your decision that you chose her.


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## ConanHub

Satya said:


> Why didn't you stand up to your father years (?) ago when you first knew he disliked your wife? Your wife had no clue, but you did, and had you intervened earlier, likely one of two things would have happened: your father would have kept his opinions to himself during your visit or you'd be disowned and wouldn't have been there anyway.


Umm.... Yeah....

My dad doesn't like my wife and he would be out of our family picture faster than than you could say shunned.

Now, if my dad got in my wife's face, yelling at her and calling her a fat ass..... He would wake up in the hospital if he woke up at all.

No one goes after my wife like that. No one.

Grow a backbone.


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## frusdil

ConanHub said:


> Umm.... Yeah....
> 
> My dad doesn't like my wife and he would be out of our family picture faster than than you could say shunned.
> 
> Now, if my dad got in my wife's face, yelling at her and calling her a fat ass..... He would wake up in the hospital if he woke up at all.
> 
> No one goes after my wife like that. No one.
> 
> Grow a backbone.


Why can't my husband be like this with his parents :crying:	:crying:	:crying:


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## Mr.Married

Pantone429c said:


> This is an issue where your Father dose not respect you and he displays that lack of respect for YOU by being ugly towards your wife. I’d bet that you have never directly confronted your father about his behavior towards your wife.
> No one can tell you what to do, if it were me I’d except the fact that he is disrespecting me and get him alone and demand to know why. Once you know why that you will be better equipped to deal with the problem
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


And make sure he either has a black eye or is flat out on the ground before you leave !


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## ConanHub

frusdil said:


> Why can't my husband be like this with his parents :crying:	:crying:	:crying:


Sorry @frusdil

I'm apparently hardwired to feel protective of women, especially family women and my son seems to have the same traits.

Part of it was probably upbringing but a lot of it seems ingrained.

I can't fathom not protecting your wife especially from hostile family members.


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## NobodySpecial

What do you do? You sit your father down and tell him calmly that if he cannot treat your wife with caring and kindness, then you will not have any contact with him. Period. Inform him that the very next time this sort of thing goes down, he is gone. It is all up to him.


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## Yeswecan

StressedOutSpouse said:


> I have been with my wife since 2007 and over the years before getting married in 2012, my father has never really been excited that the woman I love is my wife. He has tolerated her at best and her weight is always something he harps about (being heavy or 'fat' in any capacity is apparently akin to being scum if you are on my father's side of the family) at get togethers off and on over the years, while also simultaneously asking if everyone had enough to eat at dinner.
> 
> Well, yesterday things came to a head. We had all (me, my 3 yr old, my mom, sister, brother in law, baby niece, dad and wife) gone over my parents house to jointly celebrate my wife's late Februaru and birthday and my dad's early March birthday.
> 
> Things started out fine, gave the birthday people their gifts while the little kiddies played, no worries. Then we decided on what to get in for dinner, chinese food was agreed upon and we set to deciding on what to get. Again, no problems. My wife and sister start getting into a discussion over the kids birthdays (they are 2 days apart), and my father keeps walking in and out of the room so he is not really hearing what is going on, but my wife starts getting loud and emotional so this triggers him and gets him upset.
> 
> Next thing I know, he is yelling at her for using colorful language, she gets defensive, he gets made, tells her to get "your fat ass out of here!!" and she vert upsetly gets up, gets her coat and leaves. I yell at my father, and after a few minutes of back and forth, we explain to him that my wife was not getting angry, she was opening herself up to us, even thanked my parents for stepping up the week earlier and helping her out with our son when she was sick and with everything else they had done for us lately. My sister said "She was opening up to us, was thanking you guys and then you walked over to her and told her 'go to hell' Dad.". This made my father feel like an idiot, I went out to find my wife, she came back, he apologized, my wife tried talking with my Mom & Sister again, but the kids started getting tired and we all went home. Not a very happy birthday for anyone.
> 
> Today, we are all drained and are emotionally bankrupt, she is still upset because she never knew 100% that my father did not like her, anf appology or not, you can't unring the bell.
> 
> I feel horrible, things finally seemed like they were getting better and with a few hastily spoken words it is all undone.
> 
> My wife believes that NO ONE in my family loves her now, she will not hear anything otherwise and everytime I say a peep all it does is sound like I am just defending them to her.
> 
> My mother has always cared about her, because I love her and they share a love of reading, but my father has made get togethers awkward. What sucks even more is all the help they have given us is meaningless to her and that makes me feel worse. I want a positive environment for my son to be in, but I am not sure what to do anymore.


You defended your W. That is exactly what you should have done. Bravo to you. Now, we are not built to like everyone. Just love them as best you can. 

As of now, your dad is NOT A POSITIVE environment. Time to plan things that do not include your family. Sucks but it is what it is.


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## EleGirl

Mr.Married said:


> And make sure he either has a black eye or is flat out on the ground before you leave !


I'm assuming that you really don't mean that he resort to violence. Advocating for violence on TAM is a banable offense.


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## EleGirl

@StressedOutSpouse has not been back to reply on this thread. I'm not even sure he's reading here anymore.


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