# Husband's Ultimatum Regarding Autistic Step-son



## Truly (Aug 30, 2021)

Hello! Recently my husband and my 15 year old son (his step son) had a disagreement that became heated. It started with my son's inappropriate reaction (stomping and slamming a door) to being told no to something small. This isn't new; my son has high-functioning autism and ADHD and struggles with rigid thinking and emotional control, especially when unmedicated (as is the current case). It isn't acceptable behavior, however, there is a process to getting to the consequence/learning moment that is important to follow in order for any level of growth or learning to occur. My husband didn't like the disrespect and in his attempt to correct the behavior, the situation became escalated and they were in each other's face. He came into my office and asked for my help (I work from home and was in the middle of my work day but the kids/hubs were all off) and I asked him to let things simmer down for awhile and assured him that I would help him find resolution/consequence later- but I was busy at work at the moment. He decided to not take my advice and still try to approach my son to hand down a consequence, which further escalated the situation into a heated exchange of words, causing me to leave work and have to break it up. My husband left the house for several hours and my son, after having a full meltdown for over an hour, went to his dads for the weekend. When my husband and I spoke about it later, he told me that my son was "no longer welcome in HIS house and if that means I go with him, then so be it." There was more to the conversation after that and much more at play with my husband's own emotions and behaviors lately. However, this is the first time they have ever had a very heated situation. It happened several days ago and he hasn't spoken to me since. We have had a fairly decent relationship prior to this, have been married for many years, raising a large blended family. He has had some meager attempts over the years at learning about autism (read one chapter of a book), but really struggles with understanding how he needs to have a different approach with my son. He is often sarcastic and impatient with my son, which my son understands and is upset about. I love my husband and I love my son, yet I'm cold to initiating any resolution because I feel like his ultimatum is an awful thing to say/do. I also feel like my husband is being the very example of the bad behavior that he would not tolerate from my child. I'm very frustrated. Does anyone have any advice to get through this?


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Truly said:


> I'm very frustrated. Does anyone have any advice to get through this?


15 year old son (that will probably leave home in 3 years) Vs husband who may spend the rest of his life with you. Think carefully before deciding which horse to back in this race.

Maybe it's time for your son to spend a bit more time with his dad?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Truly said:


> Hello! Recently my husband and my 15 year old son (his step son) had a disagreement that became heated. It started with my son's inappropriate reaction (stomping and slamming a door) to being told no to something small. This isn't new; my son has high-functioning autism and ADHD and struggles with rigid thinking and emotional control, especially when unmedicated (as is the current case). It isn't acceptable behavior, however, there is a process to getting to the consequence/learning moment that is important to follow in order for any level of growth or learning to occur. My husband didn't like the disrespect and in his attempt to correct the behavior, the situation became escalated and they were in each other's face. He came into my office and asked for my help (I work from home and was in the middle of my work day but the kids/hubs were all off) and I asked him to let things simmer down for awhile and assured him that I would help him find resolution/consequence later- but I was busy at work at the moment. He decided to not take my advice and still try to approach my son to hand down a consequence, which further escalated the situation into a heated exchange of words, causing me to leave work and have to break it up. My husband left the house for several hours and my son, after having a full meltdown for over an hour, went to his dads for the weekend. When my husband and I spoke about it later, he told me that my son was "no longer welcome in HIS house and if that means I go with him, then so be it." There was more to the conversation after that and much more at play with my husband's own emotions and behaviors lately. However, this is the first time they have ever had a very heated situation. It happened several days ago and he hasn't spoken to me since. We have had a fairly decent relationship prior to this, have been married for many years, raising a large blended family. He has had some meager attempts over the years at learning about autism (read one chapter of a book), but really struggles with understanding how he needs to have a different approach with my son. He is often sarcastic and impatient with my son, which my son understands and is upset about. I love my husband and I love my son, yet I'm cold to initiating any resolution because I feel like his ultimatum is an awful thing to say/do. I also feel like my husband is being the very example of the bad behavior that he would not tolerate from my child. I'm very frustrated. Does anyone have any advice to get through this?


You’ve got yourself a difficult problem. He’s not your husband’s son, yet he is expected to deal with disrespect and problems from him in HIS home. If not his, that’s a problem too. 
I would ask you why if you work from home and he asks for your help with YOUR autistic son, that you are unable to assist?
That’s on YOU!!!!!!!!
Sounds like he’s fed up with dealing with poo from your son and no help from you and at this point doesn’t give a damn whether you stay or go. Who’s fault is that?

I’d suggest you and he go to get some professional help in training him how to deal with your Autistic son, But he may not want to.
He may have had enough due to the fact that he can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel.
Will your son live there forever and he be expected to live forever and tolerate unreasonable behavior? What is the life plan for him? I am saying this only because I think if I’m wondering these things, I’ll bet your husband is too. Blended families are hard as hell on everyone, but I think especially so on a man. Throw in an autistic teenage boy with hormones and you’ve got yourself a helluva problem. 

Your husband cane to you for help and you said wait a while. Sorry, that won’t cut it when he’s being disrespected in his own home.
Nor should it be ok. I think you need to realize that you don’t get to say no to helping with a child who exhibits this kind of behavior and needs help. 

The best outcome here is that your husband goes to a pro at dealing with autistic adolescent boys and learns how to handle him and his own temper, and you realize that when your husband needs help with your boy, you find a way or you may be finding yourself a new husband. I assure you, with your autistic son, it won’t be an easy bird to find. BTW, I’ve dealt with quite a few autistic boys on a daily basis for 27 yrs and consider myself pretty good at it. Sometimes there needs to be a safety valve and guess who that sAfety valve is in this case? It’s you. I think you should apologize for leaving your husband hanging And make things right with him, then see if he’s open to gearing some pro training on how to be firm, but also not escalate things.


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## Truly (Aug 30, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> You’ve got yourself a difficult problem. He’s not your husband’s son, yet he is expected to deal with disrespect and problems from him in HIS home. If not his, that’s a problem too.
> I would ask you why if you work from home and he asks for your help with YOUR autistic son, that you are unable to assist?
> That’s on YOU!!!!!!!!
> Sounds like he’s fed up with dealing with poo from your son and no help from you and at this point doesn’t give a damn whether you stay or go. Who’s fault is that?
> ...


I hear you. I want to clarify 3 items: 1) it’s not HIS home. It’s OUR home. 2) having an office from home doesn’t mean I am available. I have calls with clients, my team, and deadlines to make. I can imagine taking one of our kids into his office while he has patients when they misbehave and insisting he immediately deal with them. 3) Also, I didn’t leave him hanging. I clearly told him that I believed him, agreed that there would be consequences, but said we would need to wait some time because they both needed to calm down and I had a meeting to run.

My son isn’t unreasonable all of the time or typically aggressive. He’s generally pretty easy to deal with, but needs lots of communication cues. He’s typically happy, eager to please, helpful and kind. He’s a rigid thinker, he likes to talk, and he doesn’t always leave space for other people to communicate with him (a one way street). My husband is often annoyed with him and unkind.

That day, just before my husband and him came into conflict, my stepson (my husbands son) had started a pretty major fight with him- so he was already ramped up. My husband didn’t know that when he got in his face. Then he when he came to me for help, I explained that there had just been an incident and he needs time to cool down before we can move forward. He completely ignored that request. If he isn’t going to learn how to manage autism, and take my expertise, and then re-escalates a conflict- how am I supposed to apologize? Especially after being kicked out after-truly- ONE argument?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Truly said:


> I can imagine taking one of our kids into his office while he has patients


Is your husband a doctor?


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## Truly (Aug 30, 2021)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> 15 year old son (that will probably leave home in 3 years) Vs husband who may spend the rest of his life with you. Think carefully before deciding which horse to back in this race.
> 
> Maybe it's time for your son to spend a bit more time with his dad?


Wow.


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## Truly (Aug 30, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Is your husband a doctor?


 He’s a dentist.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Truly said:


> He’s a dentist.


It's been my observation that dentists don't have the best interpersonal skills. My current dentist has a revolving door for employees - the man is rude and blunt to employees.

It's sad that he hasn't taken an interest in learning how to interact with your son. It looks like he doesn't have much better luck with his own son.


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## Truly (Aug 30, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> It's been my observation that dentists don't have the best interpersonal skills. My current dentist has a revolving door for employees - the man is rude and blunt to employees.
> 
> It's sad that he hasn't taken an interest in learning how to interact with your son. It looks like he doesn't have much better luck with his own son.


He definitely struggles with many emotional quotient skills, but actually is a great practitioner. His patients and staff love him. He’s obsessive compulsive, however, and puts a lot of himself into one thing. When that one thing doesn’t go well- we all pay the price. The conflict that I referenced with his son was a disagreement between children. They are kids- it happens. He wasn’t home when it happened five minutes earlier, so he wasn’t even aware of it when first getting into things with my son. I don’t fault my husband for that- he didn’t know “the gun was loaded”. But when I asked him to take a step back- he completely ignored that and escalated everything. He says it’s my fault for “painting him into a corner”. I feel like that’s all a power/control/ mind game. I didn’t paint him into a corner- he came to ME for help and I offered it. He was angry and impatient and wanted to feel some level of immediate justice. I knew- that would not happen with an escalated autistic child in that moment. Adults should be able to recognize their own anger (which he was justified to have) and still make the right choice in resolving a situation.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Truly said:


> When my husband and I spoke about it later, he told me that my son was "no longer welcome in HIS house and if that means I go with him, then so be it."
> 
> Does anyone have any advice to get through this?


If your husband won't talk to a medical professional about how to deal with your son's condition, take your husband up on his offer & divorce. What a horrid thing to say.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

This is an easy one. Your son needs your support. When your husband got with you, he knew what the package was. A kid with autism, even high functioning, can only take so much emotional stress. Having a step brother that gets into heated disagreements with him, knowing his emotional situation, is not cool at all. Your husband should have a stern talking to with his son. It can’t be all about your son taking all of the arrows. 

Also as the adult, your husband, should dig a little deeper into why your son was getting very heated, before engaging in kind. Especially if your son is not normally like that. Blended family is much harder than they try to make it seem on tv. Throw in a kid with special needs, and it’s exponentially tougher. 

I would choose my kid over a new wife. If she gave me the it’s me or the kid, I’d bounce. Your son will likely be with you past his 18th birthday. Spousal companionship shouldn’t come at the cost of a relationship with your kid(s).


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## Truly (Aug 30, 2021)

D0nnivain said:


> If your husband won't talk to a medical professional about how to deal with your son's condition, take your husband up on his offer & divorce. What a horrid thing to say.


Thank you. I’m broken by his words.


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## Truly (Aug 30, 2021)

jsmart said:


> This is an easy one. Your son needs your support. When your husband got with you, he knew what the package was. A kid with autism, even high functioning, can only take so much emotional stress. Having a step brother that gets into heated disagreements with him, knowing his emotional situation, is not cool at all. Your husband should have a stern talking to with his son. It can’t be all about your son taking all of the arrows.
> 
> Also as the adult, your husband, should dig a little deeper into why your son was getting very heated, before engaging in kind. Especially if your son is not normally like that. Blended family is much harder than they try to make it seem on tv. Throw in a kid with special needs, and it’s exponentially tougher.
> 
> I would choose my kid over a new wife. If she gave me the it’s me or the kid, I’d bounce. Your son will likely be with you past his 18th birthday. Spousal companionship shouldn’t come at the cost of a relationship with your kid(s).


Thank you for your thoughtful response. I’m very sad that these are my options. I believed it was for better or for worse. Not that we just take the lumps, but that


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## Truly (Aug 30, 2021)

Truly said:


> Thank you for your thoughtful response. I’m very sad that these are my options. I believed it was for better or for worse. Not that we just take the lumps, but that we grow together through them


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

So when he married you he knew you had an autistic son but hasn't bothered to be educated on how that effects your son and that there are ways to handle situations? I know that I get frustrated anytime I feel disrespected within my own home. I'm sure that is where his frustration stems from. Just because a person is autistic doesn't mean that there are no rules but there is usually a pattern to interactions and a set rules of consequences. Very black and white which makes it easy for them to understand. As an adult who chose to marry you with an autistic child he should have availed himself of literature and consultation which would make both their lives less frustrating.

I however think I'd be very pissed at the 'my house' comment since it appears you have a job and that your two are married. It appears he doesn't consider you an equal partner. That combined with acting like a child himself.....

Many autistic children grow independent many still need help much of their lives. How independent is your son expected to achieve?

I mean even if he becomes independent you will still have him in your live til you die if nature is kind.

Don't leave the marital home no matter what he says.
Consult an attorney. Even if he calms down or you calm down or your son decides he'd like to stay with his father. Find out what your options are and the best advice for protecting your share of the marital home. You don't have to divorce after talking with an attorney but it will allow you to have a better perspective as to what that would look like. Newsflash. Your husband doesn't get to decide what you get or when you get it. He doesn't get to act like a spoiled King with his minions doing his bidding.

So what else is he going to decide. You can't visit? He can't come for Christmas.

I love my husband and would work on him with many things but asking you to basically work on cutting your child out of your life. Well I wouldn't take to that.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

How old is your step son? Are there other children?
Do you provide motherly services to this step child?

I am sorry there are some who seem to think your husband shouldn't have to provide parenting services on days he has off that you have to work but that is the deal in most households.

How long have you been married.

My heart breaks for you. Maybe I'm thinking too much about my own life. But too me the biggest issue this day is you found out you didn't marry a partner but a self centered person who considers himself more important that your relationship.

Working around an argument or an autistic child is doable. Figuring out how to respond to finding your relationship is a sham I'm not sure how to do that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I would have thought that an occasional argument and slamming a door is pretty normal in a home with teens even if they arent autistic. Does his son live with you all the time? How old is he?
There is no way that I would send my 15 years old autistic son away. No way.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Regardless of your sons issues he is a 15 year old boy, at that age they're full of raging hormones and cum. I speak from experience! lol

My point is raising a kid is a challenge, your spouse and you need to be on the same page or the cahos will run amoke. 

It sounds like your husband could of handled things better, but knowing your sons issues I wish you would have taken five minutes to try and calm things down.....unless you were in a zoom meeting at that moment.

Your husband's ultimatum? His loss, you can't abandon your son, it's possible he may need a lifetime of patenting.


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## Truly (Aug 30, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> How old is your step son? Are there other children?
> Do you provide motherly services to this step child?
> How long have you been married.


We have been together as one family for 8 years. I have raised his children as my own and for those who feel it matters- I have paid more than half the expenses of our joint family for a long time. I have always had a good job, I attend all of our kids activities, volunteer etc. I have always provided as a mother for our kids equally: I feed/cloth them, support them, love/care for them, parent them...normal parenting stuff. There are 6 children total, 3 are out of school, 3 in HS. The only step-son left in the home is 14, along with my 15 year old and 17 year old. We are blessed, honestly. We've had 6 kids who have lived together in a blended house, have gotten along as well as and even better than many biologic sibling groups, and are all decent kids. They do boneheaded things, but they are kids and I would expect that from adolescents. We definitely have different parenting styles, but again- not anything new to most families. One parent tends to be more fun (dad/stepdad) and the other tends to be more rules (me). My autistic son is with me 50% of the time and with his father 50% of the time. I'm not saying this to "toot my own horn", but I am the only parent who has read books, attended sessions with his psychologist, advocates with the schools, and allows him to be himself entirely- so he relies on me heavily to navigate the world. His dad and I had a serious talk about this last year and he is trying really hard to be more patient, to do things with him that interest him, and find ways to connect. 

When we were married, we didn't know my son was autistic, but we knew he had some differences. As it became more difficult for him to assimilate with the world and our families, we decided to have him officially diagnosed. This was a relief for everyone, however I don't feel like our family has every quite understood that they are required to do work to understand, not just him. My son is acutely aware that he is always being told to do things "our way" but rarely feels the opportunity to do things "his way". That is very frustrating for him. He is brilliant and constantly thinking, connecting, and creating. He will be fairly self-sufficient and has plans to earn several advanced degrees. I want him to learn how to have relationships and how to deal with disappointment, anger, etc just like all of our kids. 

My husband has a lot of positive qualities, but you hit the nail on the head with his absolute worst trait: he's very very VERY self-centered. He can spend hours researching, watching, practicing something that he has interest in, but then give zero attention to everything else around him, including his own children and parents at times- not just me. He's absolutely supportive of any endeavor I wish to partake in- as long as it doesn't involve his participation in any way. If he does something with me, even something small like take a walk around the block, I am always made aware of the sacrifice that he is making just to appease me. I'm not saying this all to get off on a tangent about everything that is bad about him- we all bring good/bad to the table. However, knowing this about him- imagine how hard it would be to get him to actually participate in any sessions, learning etc. In his eyes- its not his problem to solve and therefore he doesn't need to work. I'm sad because I thought anything we took on together was ours to solve together.

I certainly, if forced to choose, will pick my child. I'm hoping that he has some epiphany and requests forgiveness for his words. He generally is better than I am at apologizing- no doubt. My greatest problem is- I'm not sure if I can forgive it.


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## Truly (Aug 30, 2021)

Cooper said:


> Regardless of your sons issues he is a 15 year old boy, at that age they're full of raging hormones and cum. I speak from experience! lol
> 
> My point is raising a kid is a challenge, your spouse and you need to be on the same page or the cahos will run amoke.
> 
> ...


haha- thanks. That is so true!

I was about to head into a meeting when he came to me. I reassured him of my support and asked him to wait and let things cool down until I was available to speak with them both together. He didn't do that and I ended up having to end my call to break up another fight.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Truly said:


> Thank you for your thoughtful response. I’m very sad that these are my options. I believed it was for better or for worse. Not that we just take the lumps, but that


It’s not only the “for better or for worse” but the becoming one. If he’s your man and your his woman, there can’t be any of this my house. Even if he’s paying a much larger share of the bills, a husband shouldn’t pull that crap. I make way more than my wife but our house is just that, OUR house. Saying he loves you will always be there for you is easy to say when times are good but it’s in tough times that it’s really put to the test. That my house BS comment of his, is how he really feels.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Truly said:


> We have been together as one family for 8 years. I have raised his children as my own and for those who feel it matters- I have paid more than half the expenses of our joint family for a long time. I have always had a good job, I attend all of our kids activities, volunteer etc. I have always provided as a mother for our kids equally: I feed/cloth them, support them, love/care for them, parent them...normal parenting stuff. There are 6 children total, 3 are out of school, 3 in HS. The only step-son left in the home is 14, along with my 15 year old and 17 year old. We are blessed, honestly. We've had 6 kids who have lived together in a blended house, have gotten along as well as and even better than many biologic sibling groups, and are all decent kids. They do boneheaded things, but they are kids and I would expect that from adolescents. We definitely have different parenting styles, but again- not anything new to most families. One parent tends to be more fun (dad/stepdad) and the other tends to be more rules (me). My autistic son is with me 50% of the time and with his father 50% of the time. I'm not saying this to "toot my own horn", but I am the only parent who has read books, attended sessions with his psychologist, advocates with the schools, and allows him to be himself entirely- so he relies on me heavily to navigate the world. His dad and I had a serious talk about this last year and he is trying really hard to be more patient, to do things with him that interest him, and find ways to connect.
> 
> When we were married, we didn't know my son was autistic, but we knew he had some differences. As it became more difficult for him to assimilate with the world and our families, we decided to have him officially diagnosed. This was a relief for everyone, however I don't feel like our family has every quite understood that they are required to do work to understand, not just him. My son is acutely aware that he is always being told to do things "our way" but rarely feels the opportunity to do things "his way". That is very frustrating for him. He is brilliant and constantly thinking, connecting, and creating. He will be fairly self-sufficient and has plans to earn several advanced degrees. I want him to learn how to have relationships and how to deal with disappointment, anger, etc just like all of our kids.
> 
> ...


Yes I feel this is the most hurtful part.

I am not part of the divorce brigade that lives here on TAM. But seriously. You need to talk to a lawyer to at least understand how to protect yourself. He is the one who has brought it to the table and those words should never be spoken unless there is some thought behind them. Perhaps he's just venting in the most ill advised way but only a fool doesn't believe it when a spouse brings up the possiblity. Not only does he think you might should split. He thinks he should get to the house.


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## Truly (Aug 30, 2021)

jsmart said:


> It’s not only the “for better or for worse” but the becoming one. If he’s your man and your his woman, there can’t be any of this my house. Even if he’s paying a much larger share of the bills, a husband shouldn’t pull that crap. I make way more than my wife but our house is just that, OUR house. Saying he loves you will always be there for you is easy to say when times are good but it’s in tough times that it’s really put to the test. That my house BS comment of his, is how he really feels.


Thank you. I need to know that there are people like you, and that it is not an unreasonable expectation to have mutual support in a marriage.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Did you move in with him so that now he feels justified to talk about the house being his — or not?


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

The problem with blended families and difficult issues is that poor communication can make everything come to a head. 

I've brought up a stepdaughter who had different but equally challenging issues at that age and there was plenty of confrontation and strain. So I can empathise with your husband as well as you here. 

What your husband said was very hurtful and he really needs to reflect on that but these things are not simple so it is not fair just to blame this man for this entire situation as some have done here.

It is clear from what you have said that when you got married things were challenging with your son but his diagnosis was not know. Also he presumably wasn't a 15 year old boy with all that puberty stuff going on. People saying that your husband knew what he was getting into are a bit off the mark in my opinion.

In terms of what can be done by you now I'd suggest the following:

1) Your husband was disrespected by your son. Regardless of what happened before and after this is not okay behaviour and you had both agreed it was sanction worthy. If your son has not done so, he does need to apologise to your husband for this behaviour. Is this part of any pattern of behaviour? You said that he also got into a confrontation with his stepbrother so what is going on here?

2) You both need to work on your communication and parenting skills around your stepson. Your husband either needs to step up or step back here in terms of following established procedures to discipline your son, but you personally need to work on your communication as well. You can't use his kid's behaviour as an example as you well know that parenting a child with autism is hugely more challenging than parenting a child without such behavioural conditions. In the moment that your husband reached out for your support, even though it was in the work day, you were perhaps too dismissive and obviously made him feel he had to take the issue into his own hands. I'm not saying you needed to abandon your work immediately but you do need to reflect on that conversation and how it could have worked better. Also you said that there had been a confrontation between your 14 yr old and 15 yr old sons prior to this but your husband was unaware of that - is there a reason why you didn't tell him about this when it happened? Seems a pretty major thing not to mention.

I know this will come across as critical of you and I'm sure others will take umbrage at that but if my own experience has taught me anything it is that biological parents sometimes aren't as supportive of step-parents as they could be and often end up playing referee between their children and their partner which does infantilise their partners.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

While it's true that as a step parent you have 100% responsibility but zero authority, he signed up for this. It sounds like he tolerated the situation until it became a problem to him. Now it's suddenly a big deal. But again, he signed on. You are not in the wrong here.


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## Truly (Aug 30, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Did you move in with him so that now he feels justified to talk about the house being his — or not?


He owned the house before we met. We’ve been in the home together longer than he had owned it previously. It has been deeded in my name, and refinanced in my name, and remodeled with my money. But somehow that whole mine/yours mentality seems to persist. 😩


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Truly said:


> He owned the house before we met. We’ve been in the home together longer than he had owned it previously. It has been deeded in my name, and refinanced in my name, and remodeled with my money. But somehow that whole mine/yours mentality seems to persist. 😩


So have you two done any talking? I assume you are still at the house? Is you son still at his father's?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Truly From what you have told us it seems an entitled, whiny, annoying self-centred teenage brat got into a stupid, pointless rage. And he upset your son. Yeah. Your husband is the one at fault, the one acting like an angry teen.

Are you sure he isn't also on the spectrum, perhaps?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I haven’t read page two, but just going on what is posted by OP:

You can’t be bothered while you’re working, yet are home with a house full of young kids and an autistic boy. Shocker:: the boys get in an argument! Surprise! Sho is supervising if you can’t be bothered because you’re working.

So he comes home from work, and the kids are fighting and one child is acting out and he asks for your help but you’re too busy, and it’s your son who is acting out. Of course he doesn’t want to be the disciplinarian first you boy— plus points for him. But instead of just going on about his business which would be a helluva lot easier than trying to make an effort to straighten out a problem with your son, he attempts to do so and the way he goes about it you’re not satisfied with!!!

You are describing yourself as calm, cool, and collected, but you’ve been apoarently ignoring the situation while you work and can’t be bothered because your son is still acting out. The problem wasn’t resolved.

you sound like you are calm and the disciplinarian. I’m seeing a description of a person who is too busy to deal with kids, but staying home with. House full.

Now before you get hacked out of shape/- I don’t have a dog in this fight. I’m just telling you some of what I perceive and am saying your husband might perceive things this way too.

I totally agree that what he told you was uncalled for and wrong. But guess what? People who are frustrated and feel unheard will lash out with vile things to say.
Sounds like he felt unheard.

if he’s giving you the silent treatment, or you are giving it to him, I feel hugely bad about it because I was treated that way by a narcissist and it triggers me big time. Silent treatment is a form of abuse.

So do you feel he was totally in the wrong now? Or do you see things from his perspective a little more?

My opinion: a man that Can endure living with 8 kids can’t be all bad.

I hope you work things out and talk to him, and he talks to you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Truly said:


> Hello! Recently my husband and my 15 year old son (his step son) had a disagreement that became heated. It started with my son's inappropriate reaction (stomping and slamming a door) to being told no to something small. This isn't new; my son has high-functioning autism and ADHD and struggles with rigid thinking and emotional control, especially when unmedicated (as is the current case). It isn't acceptable behavior, however, there is a process to getting to the consequence/learning moment that is important to follow in order for any level of growth or learning to occur. My husband didn't like the disrespect and in his attempt to correct the behavior, the situation became escalated and they were in each other's face. He came into my office and asked for my help (I work from home and was in the middle of my work day but the kids/hubs were all off) and I asked him to let things simmer down for awhile and assured him that I would help him find resolution/consequence later- but I was busy at work at the moment. He decided to not take my advice and still try to approach my son to hand down a consequence, which further escalated the situation into a heated exchange of words, causing me to leave work and have to break it up. My husband left the house for several hours and my son, after having a full meltdown for over an hour, went to his dads for the weekend. When my husband and I spoke about it later, he told me that my son was "no longer welcome in HIS house and if that means I go with him, then so be it." There was more to the conversation after that and much more at play with my husband's own emotions and behaviors lately. However, this is the first time they have ever had a very heated situation. It happened several days ago and he hasn't spoken to me since. We have had a fairly decent relationship prior to this, have been married for many years, raising a large blended family. He has had some meager attempts over the years at learning about autism (read one chapter of a book), but really struggles with understanding how he needs to have a different approach with my son. He is often sarcastic and impatient with my son, which my son understands and is upset about. I love my husband and I love my son, yet I'm cold to initiating any resolution because I feel like his ultimatum is an awful thing to say/do. I also feel like my husband is being the very example of the bad behavior that he would not tolerate from my child. I'm very frustrated. Does anyone have any advice to get through this?


How about when he asks for help with YOUR son, you help. If that causes you consequences so be it. Instead he is faced the consequences because you were too busy. If your son is too hard to handle for you to have that job then you can't have that job.

You say your son isn't currently medicated but that medication helps, why is that?

Look this is not his son, he is just not going to be as invested as you are, and that is OK. Maybe this is a sign that he is not the right guy in this situation. This seems to be what he is telling you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Truly said:


> I hear you. I want to clarify 3 items: 1) it’s not HIS home. It’s OUR home. 2) having an office from home doesn’t mean I am available. I have calls with clients, my team, and deadlines to make. I can imagine taking one of our kids into his office while he has patients when they misbehave and insisting he immediately deal with them. 3) Also, I didn’t leave him hanging. I clearly told him that I believed him, agreed that there would be consequences, but said we would need to wait some time because they both needed to calm down and I had a meeting to run.
> 
> My son isn’t unreasonable all of the time or typically aggressive. He’s generally pretty easy to deal with, but needs lots of communication cues. He’s typically happy, eager to please, helpful and kind. He’s a rigid thinker, he likes to talk, and he doesn’t always leave space for other people to communicate with him (a one way street). My husband is often annoyed with him and unkind.
> 
> That day, just before my husband and him came into conflict, my stepson (my husbands son) had started a pretty major fight with him- so he was already ramped up. My husband didn’t know that when he got in his face. Then he when he came to me for help, I explained that there had just been an incident and he needs time to cool down before we can move forward. He completely ignored that request. If he isn’t going to learn how to manage autism, and take my expertise, and then re-escalates a conflict- how am I supposed to apologize? Especially after being kicked out after-truly- ONE argument?


I sounds like you don't get it. Seems like he is telling you he's done. So he isn't going to take your advice, or worry about your office anymore.

Have you had anyone else look at your situation objectively? My experience with problem children is that Mom's tend to overlook a lot.

Also did your son get violent with him? Has that happened before? Once violence starts the dynamic has to change. Under that circumstance saying he can't come in the home seems less extreme. Violent mental illness is no joke.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Him kicking anyone out is totally wrong. Totally not the way things should be handled. But again, you say he cane to you for help. What help did you give? Telling him to wait is not giving help. It’s ignoring him.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Him kicking anyone out is totally wrong. Totally not the way things should be handled. But again, you say he cane to you for help. What help did you give? Telling him to wait is not giving help. It’s ignoring him.


The help she gave was the advice that the son needed to cool off before any discipline would work. That is not ignoring him, that is telling him the correct next steps. He chose to ignore her advice. Him not agreeing with her advice and doing things his own way is not the OP shifting responsibility onto her husband nor ignoring him.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Since when does a teenager slamming a door need a working adult to leave work?

just ridiculous. I work in education and plenty of autistic kids stay home alone after school by 15. It isn’t like he’s a small child. He simply processes input differently. Most are highly intelligent and can make good choices.

if this was your husband they wouldn’t suggest you drop everything at work because your son needed space.

also didn’t you say your husband was off work?

You should consider though that your husband may have some of these same thoughts.

Really please consult a lawyer.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Bluesclues said:


> The help she gave was the advice that the son needed to cool off before any discipline would work. That is not ignoring him, that is telling him the correct next steps. He chose to ignore her advice. Him not agreeing with her advice and doing things his own way is not the OP shifting responsibility onto her husband nor ignoring him.


Nope "let it simmer down" is a hope not a clear next step. Anyone being told this in the middle of a confrontation with an agitated and defiant teenager with or without being on the spectrum will see that as a brush off.

The kid had already had one confrontation with his stepbrother and was in the middle of another with his stepfather who reach out for help and was told to wait for a few hours. Of course it would have been better if the stepdad had actually developed better ways to deal with this and that's on him, but sometimes an issue with your family needs to take precedence over work matters.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Since when does a teenager slamming a door need a working adult to leave work?
> 
> just ridiculous. I work in education and plenty of autistic kids stay home alone after school by 15. It isn’t like he’s a small child. He simply processes input differently. Most are highly intelligent and can make good choices.
> 
> ...


Given that you work in education have you never seen a situation where a situation is escalated by persistent defiance to the point where several staff members are involved in dealing with the issue? 

I'd be really surprised if you haven't. 

My wife deals with children with a range of emotional and behavioural issues at elementary school level and even there she has biters, kickers, punchers, runners, screamers, swearers and any combination of those that often arise from being politely told they can't do something. Sometimes these incidents have escalated to the point where authorised restraint techniques need to be used.

As such I am unsurprised to hear that an initial defiant step by a child on the spectrum has escalated to the point that requires additional intervention give the stepfather is not a trained professional.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Where I teach descalation is practiced not escalation. The husband wanted his way and wasn’t adult enough to allow a child with emotional instability the time to regain his emotions.

consequences are dished out when logic has returned. Continuing in the moment is an escalation.

why would restraint be needed? Because he slammed a door. I suspect that he would have stayed on the other side of that door had he been left to regain his emotions.
Hopefully OP can clarify.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

See an attorney over a door slamming incident and harsh words said in anger? Lol
Ok


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

I just wanna make sure I have this correct. People are telling this woman that her 15 yo autistic child should have more self control than a grown man? That because the child didn't come from his ball sack he bears no responsibility towards this child?
I have been in a blended family for 15 years, never treated the 2 children she brought into the relationship as anything but my own. It's the choice you make. If I was at work and my wife called me to mediate a meltdown, I would have hit the roof. Just because she works from home doesn't mean she is not working. He is a grown ****ing man, if he cant deal then maybe she should just leave. 
Also, for those who are pushing the point of it being hard for her to find a man while having an autistic child. Yes it will be more difficult, but it will be more worth while when she finds a real man with the pittance to work with her when it comes to him.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The guy messed up. Divorce worthy incident? Surely not. And I still think she failed to come to his aid. Jmo


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Evinrude58 said:


> The guy messed up. Divorce worthy incident? Surely not. And I still think she failed to come to his aid. Jmo


And yet her husband thinks it's a divorce worthy incident?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> The guy messed up. Divorce worthy incident? Surely not. And I still think she failed to come to his aid. Jmo


How would you like to be conducting a meeting and have to tell your colleagues that you have to suspend the meeting because you have to referee an argument between your husband and son? 

What if she were to bounce into his practice and demand he stop drilling a tooth to settle an argument between her and his son?


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I work with kids and some are on the spectrum. High intelligence should not be read as ability to cope with emotionally fraught situations. Understanding that you two didn't know he was on the spectrum, I would hope any parent or stepparent of someone with autism would make the effort to educate themselves on how to help someone deescalate. I get that he isn't an altruistic person but if you are going to co parent with someone with no compassion something has to change. I completely get how frustrated he r must have felt because I have felt that as a parent and teacher. You want your partner to act a certain way and lay down the law and tjey fony back you up. He feels betrayed and abandoned. Perhaps the best solution is for you two together to discuss taking a course on parenting kids on the spectrum. He isn't going to do it on his own. And you two need to learn how to work together to parent him. That is hard enough with neurotypical kids. But I have known parents who got a lot out of that type of self education. It's good to know as an adult when you are not in control and take a time out to calm down before discussing. Sounds like your husband would benefit from doing that.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

uphillbattle said:


> And yet her husband thinks it's a divorce worthy incident?


And there it is. He brought up her not coming back to his house. He tried to make it a choice between him and child. He is the one that made it a marital break instead of two parents working solutions in an hour.

no one has said divorce him. I said he brought it up, take him seriously. There are men on this board who have stated he is done. So why should she with a higher income and contribution not make sure she protects herself and knows what steps would be needed to do that.

and if it is him or the child of course she’d choose the child.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

uphillbattle said:


> And yet her husband thinks it's a divorce worthy incident?


Said in anger. To be determined...

I agree, but he knows she’s not goiing to send her son away. If he thinks she’d do that he thinks very little of her and she should divorce him.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I am stepmum to an Aspergers (autistic) teen girl. My husband and I raise her full time as her mum couldn't cope with her. I was the one who spotted she was on the spectrum, neither of her parents had a clue, I was absolutely gobsmacked.

When a teen, especially an aspie, has had a meltdown it is absolutely ridiculous to expect to converse and instil discpline or consequence at the time. It just won't work. It's like trying to reason with a toddler, not gonna happen. What the OP told her husband to do was the right thing. The whole situation would have been resolved had he followed her advice. What came next is all on him.

His "my house" bs and the "he's not welcome" needs to be addressed asap, absolutely not on.

If he seriously expects you to choose between him and your son, well, there is no choice is there?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I would very sweetly tell your husband to kiss your ass. 😘


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> So when he married you he knew you had an autistic son


I don't see where the OP wrote that!
Married many years ..........
Kid 15 ..........
Are the facts I read.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

@Truly my husband and I also have a large blended family and I have an autistic teen. We have lived through cheating, miscarriages, job loss and alcoholism (only one of those is mine!) and I swear the hardest thing we have faced is our differences on how to deal with my autistic daughter.

She is also higher functioning and brilliant, entering her second year in college now. She was a cute little kid when we got together, so even though my husband “knew” there was a possibility that she might always need our care in some way, it didn’t seem like an awful weight at the time. He loved her and she loved him. Then she grew up and everything about her and her mannerisms seemed to become nails on a chalk board to him. We had similar arguments about disrespect and discipline. She was rarely disrespectful but it happened (especially after he was disrespectful to her first because she annoyed him). She needed a cool down period or it was just overwhelming noise to her. He felt I was letting her use her disability as an excuse. He viewed my patience and calming techniques (including a cool down period) as leniency. He seemed to forget that I was not always patient and that my rushing in to discipline and scold did not have the desired effect. I learned through trial and error and lots and lots of meetings with professionals what worked best for her. Our compromise was for me to state to her the seriousness of the offense at the start of the cooling off period (whether I agreed or not) - she knew consequences were coming and he knew I wasn’t brushing it off. That is pretty good advice for all teens actually. They aren't puppies that need to have their nose rubbed in the carpet immediately.

We have been lucky in that all of our children genuinely love each other, like if we were both hit by a bus tomorrow they would remain siblings/friends. I have noticed that my step daughters are more empathetic to my daughter and her eccentric ways. They will entertain her non sequitur trains of thought, whereas my husband and son will not. They are easily annoyed by her and I feel that my husband calls her out on “bad” behavior that he would not blink an eye to if one of our neurotypical children did. So I think knowing this, I do get defensive and question his complaints about my daughter more than I would if he had issue with my son.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Evinrude58 said:


> If he thinks she’d do that he thinks very little of her and she should divorce him.


This


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Husband thinks that the ideal way to deal with an Asperger's teen having a meltdown is to have a tantrum of his own. Errr... nope!


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Al_Bundy said:


> While it's true that as a step parent you have 100% responsibility but zero authority,


This is not true. When my GF and her kids lived with me, I'd let her take the lead but if I needed to I laid down the law, no problem. Then again, I was a great step-dad to them and earned the right to have that influence.

But authority necessarily comes with responsibility. 100% responsible with no authority? GTFO of here.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

My kid (18) is similarly ASD and ADHD. Clearly, her husband should not have issued that ultimatum, but based on my parenting experience I think you should consider the following:


Why is your child not currently medicated? I'm assuming he was at some point.
Does your son ordinarily show respect for your husband, or are these arguments a regular thing?
Has your son threatened or actually harmed your husband? My daughter has attempted - both parents.

A little history on my kid (maybe you recognize some of these in your own child):

history of lying to get her way, and justifies it by saying her happiness is more important than being honest.
habitual liar
blame shifter / (inappropriate) victim mentality / entitled
thinks she is exempt for behavioral norms because they don't come naturally to her

Now, I'll be honest. I have:

sent my kid out the house and asked / told her to be gone for a few days
told her that she is subject to my rules as long as I support her and failure to treat me well will cost her a place here.
told her being ASD doesn't excuse poor behavior and she needs to self regulate to not let it create problems
told her that I can't force her to get treatment (doc felt she needs meds) I'm not going to cut her slack if she refuses

My ex and I, even knowing our kid had issues, were caught off-guard by how pervasive the behavior issues can be. I mean seriously - who expects their kid to tell them yes she lied to me about something important and it was okay by her because she got her way? And, she really believes it - it's screwed up but it's reality.

My point is you need to take a hard look at your son's behavior, especially since he was unmedicated. Don't disregard behavior needing a more serious approach. Why not interrupt your meeting to deal with your son? He has a legitimate medical issue needing your attention. Get a FMLA certification if you need to protect your job. If it costs you a few points at work, that's part of being a parent.

Trust me, sometimes a firm (or very firm) approach is needed. You're not doing him any favors by letting stuff slide. The world won't and our jobs as parents are to have our kids be as self-sufficient as possible. While the ultimatum was out of line, don't assume that there isn't some troubling underlying behavior from your son driving this conflict.

ETA: based on some other responses here, it's important to note that I've been the sole parent for three years - my kid has a decent relationship with her mom now and cares about her, but more like you would a friend. She could go back there or to other relative's places but doesn't. So it's not like my kid tolerates me because it's here or the street.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Truly said:


> He has had some meager attempts over the years at learning about autism (read one chapter of a book), but really struggles with understanding how he needs to have a different approach with my son. He is often sarcastic and impatient with my son, which my son understands and is upset about.


I'll share my experience for what it's worth. I have a 27 year old son who still lives with me and whom I think to be on the spectrum. He is the oldest of three children. He has always been different, but his father, who is my ex-husband for 8 years now, made zero effort to understand his son's difference. Whenever I brought up the subject to him, stating that there might be a possibility that our son is autistic, he would vehemently deny it. He mistreated our son most of the time, belittling him with his sarcasm and impatience, the same way your husband is treating your son. 

There is no guarantee that your son leaves the house and becomes independent at the age of 18. He might be intelligent and a high achiever, but socially he needs time to be able to live on his own. I am always in the process of learning about neurodiverse people and how to act around them and understand them, because each one is different, so I see your husband's unwillingness to get educated about your son and worse, his threat after the fight, are not acceptable. One major factor of my divorce is my husband's unwillingness to step out of his own world and reach out to his son, which resulted in mistreatment and abuse. His reaction to his son was for me the tip of the iceberg, because it revealed to me that the man underneath refused to acknowledge his son's needs and meet them because of his own shortcomings as a human being. 

That said, my son has had minimal interaction with his father since our divorce. He would never spend more than a few hours with his dad. He knows him and hasn't forgotten the scars of his abuse. You need to sit your husband down and lay out YOUR conditions, which consist of him educating himself and working on his behavior with your son. He is the one at fault here, and he doesn't get to give any ultimatum. If he still persists in his position, I'm afraid he is not giving you much choice. Your son needs you and won't be able to go through life without your support and guidance and love. Good luck and much strength to you.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

DTO said:


> This is not true. When my GF and her kids lived with me, I'd let her take the lead but if I needed to I laid down the law, no problem. Then again, I was a great step-dad to them and earned the right to have that influence.
> 
> But authority necessarily comes with responsibility. 100% responsible with no authority? GTFO of here.


100% agree.



DTO said:


> A little history on my kid (maybe you recognize some of these in your own child):
> 
> history of lying to get her way, and justifies it by saying her happiness is more important than being honest.
> habitual liar
> ...


100% agree with this too. Despite the fact that they have Aspergers, they MUST still have expectations and consequences for poor behaviour. Yes they learn differently but they are very capable and parents who coddle are just making their lives that much harder (the child's).

I'm a firm but fair parent. I am HUGE on manners and respect, I know that my girl can behave appropriately and I expect her to do so. I want her to have a shot in hell at as normal a life as possible, I want her to have opportunities. She is brilliant, her brain, my God that girl is so intelligent and bright, so much potential there. I wouldn't be doing my job if I coddle her and had low expectations (doesn't mean I ridiculous expectations, I don't).


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> I love my husband and would work on him with many things but asking you to basically work on cutting your child out of your life. Well I wouldn't take to that.


Children have 2 parents.
As far as I can see husband is asking for Autistic son to spend more time with his father.
Which is entirely different to 'cutting a child out of your life'.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> Children have 2 parents.
> As far as I can see husband is asking for Autistic son to spend more time with his father.
> Which is entirely different to 'cutting a child out of your life'.


Actually he wants them BOTH out of his life and HIS home.

Maybe he is tired of being married?


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

Sounds like your husband doesn’t have a full grasp of your sons autism. From what I read I see it as an older man getting his ego bruised and wanting to flex on a kid that disrespected him to show him who’s boss. That’s just not going to work with someone who has autism. Your husband needs to reframe his mind and re-think his approach as he’s dealing with a young man who processes things differently than a neuro-typical person.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i have no advice, other than to offer you some prayers for the strength to see this all thru


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Where I teach descalation is practiced not escalation. The husband wanted his way and wasn’t adult enough to allow a child with emotional instability the time to regain his emotions.
> 
> consequences are dished out when logic has returned. Continuing in the moment is an escalation.
> 
> ...


I think perhaps you should read my post again here.

I was talking about the fact that there are even times where fully trained professionals are unable to de-escalate a situation with a child's behaviour and that there are times when that can result in restraint being used. There is a reason why my wife and all those who work with children with behavioural difficulties are fully trained in authorised restraint techniques such as MAPA after all.

The point I was making is that you were assuming that the situation was just a standard bit of teenage defiance when we really don't know that. That assumptions colours how you see the whole situation. The fact that the ASD son had also recently had a confrontation with his step-brother could indicate a wider or more serious issue here.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> Actually he wants them BOTH out of his life and HIS home.
> 
> Maybe he is tired of being married?


Or just tired of the instability.

I have two adult autistic step siblings and my mother parents them with the whole "they're autistic, they can't help it and need special treatment" attitude. It's turned them into downright awful human beings. They were tossing bottles and glasses at the wall at one of our cousins wedding, threatened to stab someone. As a man you just want to take them out back and beat the living piss out of them until they learn to behave but of course my mother, "they're autistic and they can't help it!" No real consequences whatsoever.

If OPs kid is busy fighting with his step sibling, then fighting with his dad in a short time frame then whatever special treatment she read from an autism book probably isn't working that well. That kind of enabling from someone who's supposed to be your partner can get old, quick.


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