# To those that divorced post-infidelity...



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*To those that divorced post-infidelity...*

Are you happier now? 

Do you regret the divorce?

Do you still have triggers?

Does it effect new relationships having been cheated on or having cheated in a marriage?

What is your point of view?

I'm pretty fresh out of my divorce and haven't dated nor have any desire to but I often wonder if this is going to effect future relationships. I had never been cheated on before (that I know of) so it's like getting something stripped away. I feel different now. I also cheated and definitely learned a painful lesson. 

I do still have triggers daily. I wish they'd go away. Do they ever go away? I am happier (more peaceful?) in a way I have not been for a long time yet I do regret things shook out the way they were and at the same time know dwelling in the past isn't the answer...

Anyway I am still navitgating these waters...

Just curious about all of you.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

My divorce from my first wife was decades ago, so long ago in fact, that I forgot all the signs of infidelity and didn't recognize them for what they were this time around.

*Was I happier?* Yes, but I did self medicate with alcohol and partying for a while. Thats how I coped with it last time. But yes, in the end, I was happier.

*Do I regret the divorce?* Nope. Never for a moment. Not even once. Of course it did help that she walked out and never looked back and never tried to get in touch with me again. And looking back, I'm glad she didn't.

*Does it effect new relationships having been cheated on or having cheated in a marriage?* Oh yes, it sure did. I had trust issues for a long time afterwards. The triggers eventually go away, especially if you fall in love and are in a new relationship. And my current wife knew of my trust issues and what my first wife did to me. They even bumped into each other once. That's I promised myself that any affair is a deal breaker. Yet here I am in R with this one. One you've been burned once, you are less likely to stand for it the next time it happens. Because we've been togther almost 22 years now and it didn't progress to a PA, is the only reason I'm even considering R.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Are you happier now?

*Yes I am. I am presently in a committed relationship with a woman who has also experienced the pain of marital betrayal from her ex-husband.*

Do you regret the divorce?

*No I do not. My ex-wife is a broken woman who needs to confront her issues and commit to resolve them for her well being and future happiness.*

Do you still have triggers?

*Ocassionally but their emotional impact is minimal.*

Does it effect new relationships having been cheated on or having cheated in a marriage?

*Of course it does. We are - after all - biproducts of our experiences. But not to the point of becoming jaded. Though it is sad because I had high hopes for that marriage (my second).*

What is your point of view?

*Everything eventually comes to an end, including relationships. You can either allow the toxic twins, resentment and bitterness, to take hold of your heart or you can embrace the truth about the world still being full of kind hearted, loving women.*


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

morituri said:


> What is your point of view?
> 
> *Everything eventually comes to an end, including relationships. You can either allow the toxic twins, resentment and bitterness, to take hold of your heart or you can embrace the truth about the world still being full of kind hearted, loving women.*


:iagree:

Most definitely. Life goes on, and in time this too shall pass.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

*Are you happier now?*
Yes, but somewhat in a bittersweet way. My ex-husband and I wound up being rather different in personalities. It was not until after having a child together did those differences start to cause problems. Frankly, he could be a real a$$hole sometimes. He would even admit it. No longer being under the stress my ex-husband was able to cause me is much better. However, I am beginning to find that I miss the better aspects of marriage lately.

*Do you regret the divorce?*
No, I do not regret divorcing. Our marriage was done. Too much damage to go back.

*Do you still have triggers?*
I get a thorn stuck in my paw occasionally. Usually when I see that my ex-husband has changed for the better. I am happy he is striving to be a better person and I hope his new marriage works out. Mostly for my son’s sake. I just often wonder why he could not have been a better husband when we were married and before his poor choices caused so much damage to our marriage.

*Does it effect new relationships having been cheated on or having cheated in a marriage?*
It does happen to me, but very rarely. A guy may display a behavior with the tiniest similarity to those which led me to question and uncover my ex-husband’s unfaithfulness, it can sometimes give me that stomach dropping feeling. Those actions may not be anything to indicate an individual is committing adultery. It is a behavior, routine or a way of doing something which changed in my ex-husband once he started being unfaithful.

*What is your point of view?*
I will not allow my ex-husband’s undesirable behaviors in our marriage to take away my ability to love another person. I have lost plenty of me to him already. I am not so unique that there is no man out there who doesn’t share similar morals and values as myself. I believe there are men out there who will not cheat on their partner. I’m hopeful that same man can give as much love to a relationship as I can. A man who realizes that a successful, loving relationship does not happen just because you marry a woman.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> *To those that divorced post-infidelity...*
> 
> Are you happier now?
> No, I am not happier. There is less stress with him gone but it doesnt mean I am happier. I still think about what could have been if only he wasnt such an asshat.
> ...


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

I'm almost there(not officialy), and while I do miss her,I think it was the best thing to do in my case. There was no way I'd be able to get over the betrayal. I don't want to wait 2-3 for the pain to subside; be at the mercy of stupid triggers; or resent the fact that I felt trapped in the marriage just for the sake of being married. Its hard it really is- the detaching part is gut wrenching because this is the person you vowed to love eternally. I'm doing better now, but its never really gonna go away. Like jelly, I'm afraid that my pessemism toward fidelity is gonna surface, and my trust in people will be forever damaged. Those are things that us BS's have to reconcile with ourselves- we've been damaged in such a way that it will be with us forever. Its going to be hard to get our trust issues resolved. 

"I would rather be alone. Than pretend I feel alright."- Win Butler


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

It was the last thing I wanted, and very hard to mourn and let it go. But when i look back, I see that I had lost myself, and I'm getting myself back bit by bit. Like having a tattoo removed, there will be a scar. I don't know if I will ever tattoo my heart again. I hope I can, if I want to. Time will tell, I guess. But this ending was the right thing after all. I'm very sad for my kids, though. Feel like I failed them, though it wasn't my decision.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> My divorce from my first wife was decades ago, so long ago in fact, that I forgot all the signs of infidelity and didn't recognize them for what they were this time around.
> 
> *Was I happier?* Yes, but I did self medicate with alcohol and partying for a while. Thats how I coped with it last time. But yes, in the end, I was happier.
> 
> ...


Could have pretty much written this response myself!!


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

according to my stbxw, I am not a divorcee-due-to-infidelity.

That was all just a dream that i had and in reality, she had been feeling distant for a while.

HE was just a friend who needed to talk to someone, and express his undying love for, even after 25 years, and she wanted to help. All to the tune of 120 messages the day before she told me ILYBNILWY.

I know that I will regret letting myself being walked on, and staying for the "marriage".


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Okay, I'm confused. What is a trigger, exactly?


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> Okay, I'm confused. What is a trigger, exactly?


Any noun, adjective, verb or adverb in life that causes a person to respond in regards to their situation or past situation.
A smell might trigger a thought about a place you were when you were a kid.
A song might trigger sadness about your lost marriage because it was special between you as a couple.
An event such as a bad judgement call from my stbxw might trigger me to have extreme anger and resentment, sending me into a spiral of vicious revenge techniques, like having the cops wait for her after a binge drinking evening at the place we used to frequent during our attempts at reconciliation...


(sigh....) Im okay, just kiddin....


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> An event such as a bad judgement call from my stbxw might trigger me to have extreme anger and resentment, sending me into a spiral of vicious revenge techniques, like having the cops wait for her after a binge drinking evening at the place we used to frequent during our attempts at reconciliation...
> 
> 
> (sigh....) Im okay, just kiddin....



The "little voice" had some pretty good ideas when my ex-husband and I first separated also. Well .... at least they sounded good to me.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore said:


> The "little voice" had some pretty good ideas when my ex-husband and I first separated also. Well .... at least they sounded good to me.


I would brush the dogs teeth with my ex's toothbrush before he officially moved out. Oh those voices do sometimes have good ideas


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## Cypress (May 26, 2011)

My divorce from my 2nd wife was 16 yrs ago. It is an issue still when my daughter is in town to visit. My ex is still not remorseful. She calls the affair and resulting divorce a gift from God for us both <gag reflex /start> <gag reflex /end>.

*Was I happier? *Happier is relative. I was not happy about a divorce I did not want. But I was happy to escape the lies and verbal abuse.

*Do I regret the divorce? *Sometimes I do. But I could only envision getting back with the wife I knew before her affair. I don't want the person she is now.

*Does it effect new relationships having been cheated on or having cheated in a marriage?* It does.. I have my diploma from the school of infidelity survival. I can spot an affair brewing a mile away.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> I'm very sad for my kids, though. Feel like I failed them, though it wasn't my decision.



That is what is killing me. Not divorced yet for that very reason.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> I would brush the dogs teeth with my ex's toothbrush before he officially moved out. Oh those voices do sometimes have good ideas


:lol: I LOVE IT!!!


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