# Confused with my feelings and what I have done..



## Missaua (Aug 15, 2012)

Sorry for the long post.. but hopefully this will make you understand how i feel...

Hello everyone,

this is my first time here on the forum. i am married for 4 years now and have a son of 3 years old. 

I will start from the beginning. The first time me and my husband met was great. He was single and so was I. I found him very attractive and we soon made dates to meet each other again. But after dating for a 2 weeks he told me he loved me and yet he left me for his ex. 

Two months after his ex left him, he came back to me and told me he wanted me. Me as stupidly in love went back to him. One day I was doing oral sex on him and he told me to stop because at that moment he was thinking of someone else. I asked if he was thinking about his ex, he said no... he wanted to have sex my best friend. DAMN.. I told him to leave. 

After a while he came back to me again. Telling me he did not mean what he said and that he was sorry. And I forgave him. So actually looking back our story was not the best romantic story, but rather more a dramatic story. 

After all this he asked me to live with him, so I thought that he loved me enough that he wants to live with me. I was happy. We lived together for 2 months and I got pregnant. Our parents said we need to get married because that is the best thing to do. So one day in bed he asked me, should we get married? I told him only if you really want to marry me, not because you have to marry me. But in the end we married each other. 

I was happy that we were married, but that was only for a little while. The first two years of our lives he went out a lot, and we did not spend much time as a family. The third year his business in photography started to bloom and that meant that he worked late hours. Sometimes he would go somewhere after work, and just not come home until 3 am, without even calling me or caring what I was thinking. In the long run these things broke my heart. So the third year I decided to work with him, just to be closer to my husband. I was closer to him and he did not go out anymore like he used to.

I don't know if he was doing it for me or simply because his work is too much to handle to go out also with friends. But the third year my love started to fade away slowly. I did not want sex with my husband anymore, plus I did not find him attractive anymore. We have never really had much quality time in our lives together as lovers. So I started to care less and less about him. I even told my husband that if he stayed like this I would stop loving him one day. 

And I started to get attention already from someone else for 2 years, but was not really interested, we just messaged each other. Nothing major though, just saying hello, how was ur day, and always wishing me a nice day. But the last year after my love for my husband faded away, I started to fantasize about this guy a lot. And one day I went to buy some food at his restaurant, and I got butterflies and stuff. I felt like a teenager. So weird was that feeling. 

So we kept on talking, and in November I started to develop feelings for him just messaging each other. he seemed to like to same things I like. So i fell in love with the things he told me. But then I realized I needed to work on my relationship, so I stopped talking to this guy in February 2012. In May I dreamed about him, that I kissed him and it was a feeling of true love. After I woke up I contacted this guy and told him what I dreamed. I wanted to know if this was true. So I met up with him. We kissed and talked and it felt like I am in love. I met him again and he also has these feelings for me and wants to be with me. But basically I cheated on my husban, which is not good either.

Now I want to leave my husband. I should have done it long time ago, when I already knew that my feelings were gone. The only thing that is holding me back all that time is our son, and what our family thinks. I never wanted to break a family and cant bear to see sadness in the faces of my family and son. I talked to my husband again and told him that I did not love him anymore. And he understands now also why I don't love him. 

I have not told him about the affair. And I don't want to have the affair anymore until I am divorced I will consider a new relationship. Because it is not the correct way to start another relationship either. I rather do this correctly. I rather start clean. Even if this guy does not want to be with me in the future, I need to take steps for myself and not for someone else. 

Yet I still don't know how to start with all this. I need help and am an emotional wreck at the moment. Thinking about everything kills me here. I don't know what the best decision is anymore.

I am not happy in my marriage that is all I know. But everyday when I see my son running and saying hello to his daddy it makes me cry and makes me not want to leave. I want to stay for my son, but me myself am killing myself for not feeling happy anymore with him.

Please help..


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Stop cheating. Either work on your marriage or get a divorce.


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## Missaua (Aug 15, 2012)

The fact is I am not cheating anymore at the moment. I have tried working on the relationship,my husband said he wont change his ways for me either. I am also thinking about divorcing him. But I will make an appointment first with the psychologist to talk to a professional about this.


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## cosmicblu (Oct 18, 2011)

I dont have a whole lot of advice as I am in my own rollercoaster of a life with an abusive husband but I will say that it is good that you have stopped the affair. To see anything else more clearly you have to minimize distractions and interference. so that is good. But I just wanted to say, even though our situations are probably far off from each other, the one thing that really hit home for me was thinking about the lil one running to daddy so happy to see him. 2 older ones 11 & 8, and they have seen their fair share of fighting and arguing so as sad as they would be for a split they have the knowledge to understand what I would have to do. But the 2 year old we have especially, it kills me every day thinking about tearing the kids apart from him. When in an everyday situation thats all they and him look forward to is him coming home after work. Those reasons have had me playing a balancing act of protecting them from his crap while protecting some bit of their relationship. Having kids involved does indeed make it harder ten fold. Husband has stated already that he knows if not for the kids I would have left him many years ago. Sooo without much advice besides continuing to try to talk to him, maybe MC? try to do/find more things that may spark that love back.. but if not, I guess its not far for anyone if you truly dont want to be there. (now if I could just follow that advice...oi..) But I do completely understand that part of your heart that keeps you torn. I hope you find the answers you are looking for soon!


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