# Our need to know why



## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

Thinking about coming confrontation knowing in my head whatever she says is not going to be at all satisfactory
most likely she will blame shift it to me -thanks to TAM I will not accept it for cheating. but still I have this need to ask why? as if
there could be an answer that gives closure but there isn't.
Its odd its like when someone dies amd you want God to tell you why, its hard to accept but we don't get to know why but the question
lingers "like a splinter in the mind"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

For what its worth my wife said that it snuck up on her and became an addiction. Part of it was the illicit knowledge that what she was doing was wrong. Part of it was sharing something with another person that nobody else knew about. She told me that her epiphany came when she was supposed to be leaving to meet him. I was playing with our son. She turned away and just started crying. She broke it off that day and told me about it when she came home. I was lucky I guess because I had no idea.


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

yes fortunate that she came clean, but does her reason make sense? give closure? my point is there is no acceptable answer to why did you cheat? yet we persue one anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Blindasabat said:


> yes fortunate that she came clean, but does her reason make sense? give closure? my point is there is no acceptable answer to why did you cheat? yet we persue one anyway.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The way I prefer to think of it makes sense to me. When she said it was an addiction I look at it like if you take pain killers for a real problem and then when the problem finally goes away you wake up and realize you're addicted to the medication. She was feeling somewhat down about herself. She started confiding in the OM and it escalated before she realized what was really happening. Once they crossed that line and got away with it it became like a secret drug addiction for both of them. As much as I'd like to I can't even hate the OM. He is married too and realized how wrong it was as well. He and his wife are still together as far as I know. Of course the has been NC between my W and the OM but I know people that know the OM and the OMW.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

there are reasons they tell themselves and there are reasons that lead up to being unhappy enough to do it, but the ultimate answer is selfishness


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

I wanted to know why as well. The reason I wanted to know why from her is so that she would have to think about the reason(s) she allowed herself to be unfaithful, the reason(s) she told herself to make that choice. 

After I was given the reason(s) I asked for her to give examples of the things that has happened over the last 18 years that support her reason(s). 

She had a very short list. Some of the items on it was true problems in our relationship, others not so much in my eyes.

I then asked her to soul search the list and look at what her choice has cost us, the kids, me, and herself, and what she felt about her reason(s), and what it would have cost us if I was not willing to give her a second chance. I asked was any of the reason(s) worth everything it cost.

That was my thoughts on asking why. Not so much for me (not that I didn't want to know) but more so she would have to face the choice she made to give up two of the best kids and a faithful husband who has some flaws, but nothing that made her choice right even in her eyes.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I never really knew why my ex husband cheated on me and why he did it so many times. I know it was his own personal issue. It wasn't me. I met his needs. He had a nice home, loving wife, lots of good sex. He had a good life, yet for some reason, he still felt the need to be with other women. I may never understand why fully. He may not even understand why he does it, but he does. He did it to the GF before he married me, he did it to me, and he will do it to all women. He's sick.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I can't imagine being concerned with 'why'. Why? Because you suck, that's why.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Blind--everyone always wants to know the answer to that question:

WHY DID YOU DO IT? 

And the thing is, NO answer will be satisfactory to you, make it better, make you understand, make it right.....

At the end of the day there is only ONE reason the disloyal has done it: Because they wanted to/chose to. 

It all comes down to them being presented with something, and at that time they had a decision to make: yes or no. They chose "yes." 

I know that won't make you feel better but that's the reality. The sooner you accept that, the better.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

> I have this need to ask why? as if there could be an answer that gives closure but there isn't.


Closure is a myth popularized by lawyers and funeral directors. And even if you could find the definitive answer, it probably won't give you the peace of mind that you are seeking.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Blind--everyone always wants to know the answer to that question:
> 
> WHY DID YOU DO IT?
> 
> ...


I agree with this, no answer I gave my husband was satisfactory. For him it sounded somewhat justifying my behavior. I could say that I was looking for an escape to my own issues I didn't want to face, I was going through a mid-life crisis at 43 with two young children, I felt smothered, I was not feeling fulfilled in my job, bottom line I chose to do it, and did not think of the consequences. I just wanted to feel good.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

morituri said:


> Closure is a myth popularized by lawyers and funeral directors. And even if you could find the definitive answer, it probably won't give you the peace of mind that you are seeking.


Agreed. The need for "closure" is how people rationalize hanging on to a relationship that is dead and gone.

The only time I ever truly had "closure" was after a bad breakup, was suicidal, and let the girl in question know that, if I didn't year from her by a certain date, I wasnt going to wake up the next morning. I didn't hear from her. The fact that she effectively *let me die* was my "closure." It was only a call from a friend I hadn't spoken to in months who called around my deadline that woke me up to that fact.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Grayson said:


> Agreed. The need for "closure" is how people rationalize hanging on to a relationship that is dead and gone.


:iagree:


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> The way I prefer to think of it makes sense to me. When she said it was an addiction I look at it like if you take pain killers for a real problem and then when the problem finally goes away you wake up and realize you're addicted to the medication. She was feeling somewhat down about herself. She started confiding in the OM and it escalated before she realized what was really happening. Once they crossed that line and got away with it it became like a secret drug addiction for both of them. As much as I'd like to I can't even hate the OM. He is married too and realized how wrong it was as well. He and his wife are still together as far as I know. Of course the has been NC between my W and the OM but I know people that know the OM and the OMW.


This seems to be a helpful way of looking at this experience. I will be thinking about this. Thank you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Blind, I think the only satisfing response from a wayward is when it doesn't involve how bad the marriage is or spouse is, but when a wayward can admit to there individual behavior as being unhealthy and the personal choice they made was b/c of there own weakness and lack of morality.

And even at that it will never fully take away the pain we as loyals must face.

So no matter how the confrontation goes you will know that it is not your fault and that your wifes moral compase is broken. It will be up to her to fix her self. No matter how she does it or if she ever does it is all her no matter the excuse.


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

I know I do- like an entire arguement you see in your head in advance but then you have it anyway thinking you'l turn it around but then it goes down just as you thought. we know no good answer will be given yet the question still burns why the hell have you done this??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lascarx (Dec 24, 2011)

Do you really care why she did it, or are you really just looking for reassurance that there's nothing defective or inferior about you? Fat chance if it's the latter.

Every person who has walked the earth has deficits. I never expected my wife to think I was perfect, but I did expect that she wouldn't try to balance my deficits by playing around with someone else. That's part of getting married, isn't it?

I really have to say that I don't care why she did it, the main thing is washing my hands of her, moving on and using this experience to avoid having to re-live it. I don't think I need to change myself in order to be more pleasing to the next woman. It's all about being able to identify the woman who wants me the way that I am. Thought I did and I was wrong. But that's this time and next time is next time.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

I wanted closure because I still cared. Everything that has been said has elements of truth.

It does come down to choices and sometimes people make the choice to be disloyal because they're bored with themselves and they want to feel alive. And staying and trying is too much work. So some of them talk themselves into doing this and justify it and then blame us. And then they lie because "just in case" or you get a frothing WS shouting: " I hate you, I hate you, I loved you" etc...which makes absolutely no sense when ex chose EA which led to PA.

Yeah I wanted closure, no such thing. Closure comes from within. .


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Sparkles422 said:


> Yeah I wanted closure, no such thing. *Closure comes from within.*


:iagree:

Or from opportunistic funeral directors and ambulance chasing attorneys.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I know why I cheated. I know what the problems in my marriage were and I know how they can be fixed. It's something I need to fix, not him. We decided to work things out, we love each other and we still have a lot of common goals. In order for him to have reassurance that I will not cheat again, I have to be completely transparent (no problem there, not at all) but I also need to demonstrate that I can identify and correct what went wrong in our marriage. That's why he needs to know why I did it. I don't lay any blame on him.
Every marriage is different and there's no doubt in my mind that a clear cut divorce is the only way to go for lascarx, the best thing he can do for himself and his kids. His wife cheated out of selfishness. There is a reason why she cheated, it's something that she didn't address because it was easier to not say anything or even bother to figure it out - pure selfishness. I'm wondering though, had your wife told you BEFORE the affair that she wasn't happy about this, that and the other thing - would you have tried to change or would you have told her that she has to take you the way you are, period?


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