# Please Help me! I don't wanna give up!



## Fearthe_end (Jul 5, 2012)

Hello,
I need some advice and I don't want to hear the typical its to late move on answer. I truly believe that until papers are signed there is always a chance a marriage can be saved. So here is the whole story. I'm in the military and my wife and I have been married for 12 years. We have two children and have been through pretty much everything together. Long separations many times but we always seemed to get through it. So when I got back from my last tour I could tell my wife wasn't happy and eventually she told me she wanted to leave and go back home to another state. That was 4 months ago. My marriage hasn't always been great. There was points when we both pretty much couldn't stand each other and about two years 3 years ago I saw us heading for a divorce and realized that one of us needs to step up and try to save it. I realized this on my of my tours and told her I was commited to saving it. She didn't believe me and thought I was just saying all that because I was deployed. Well, thats when the journey started and I made it my goal to save it. I pushed hard. Emails, phone calls texts constantly trying to prove my love. When I got back we had probably the best year of our marriage but she did cheat when I was gone and I tried my best to get over it and I would constantly bring it up througout that year. I know it was a mistake on her end and right now I see that we should have gone to councelling right then but I just figured as long as I was now trying and being more helpful and trying to see her needs we didn't have to go. Well, after that year I had to leave again. Lets just say that what had happened the last deployment I wasn't in the right frame of mind that next deployment. I was constantly sending her emails, calling her to see what she was doing and asking her to send me this and that. Cards, packages sweet emails. She isn't one of those romantic type people but I pushed her and pushed her into being somebody she wasn't. So, I wasn't really surprised that she wasn't happy when I got back and the pushing didn't stop when I got back. I was in panic mode because I could tell something wasn't right. I stopped hanging out with friends just to be with her and would buy her things all the time. Clean the house and so on. I pretty much changed who I was and smothered her to death. After she left I have been insane. The last 4 months I've been so irratic. One day sending text after text. Up and down emails. Trying to make her feel guilty because of my kids. Begging her to come back telling her I love her. One day talking to her normal and the next day calling her to yell at her because I'm so fustrated with everything. The longest I've gone without contacting her is one week. She knows I'll contact her. Its just not me. The thing is I see what I have been doing. I wouldn't want to be with me either at this point. I've realized this now and want to stop and get on the right track but I don't know what to do now. Oh, she says she is done trying in this marriage and wont come back because she has a job in the new state and doesn't want to quit because she says she doesn't see a point in counclling. She says she is not in Love with me anymore too. She has printed out papers for divorce but as far as I know now she has not submitted them and the way she did the papers I will have to sign them before she is going to submit them and she as far as I know hasn't sent them to me yet. So to me thats at least a good sign. The time I talked to her was 2 days ago and I told her that I'm ok with the divorce and the way I've been acting the last few months I don't blame her because I wouldn't want to come back to me either. I'm not ok with the divorce I truly believe we can make it work I just don't know what course of action I should do now. Should I just not talk to her until she contacts me? I want to show her I'm changing but I don't know if not contacting her is showing her that I'm really ok with this divorce. I'm just so confused. I know I screwed up and pushed her away. I want to back off but show her I still care but I don't know how. Sorry for the long post! Please Help!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, since you don't want to hear "let it go", I'm not sure what to say.

You can call her up one last time and plead your case, but I doubt that will work.


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## casemx (Feb 1, 2012)

Hey bud, I feel your pain. I'm going through something similar. Wife left and I want to try to work things out. I've been doing the no contact thing since she left. I was like you a few months ago when I found out she wasn't happy. I thought I had to try "harder" to make her happy and all it did was push her farther away. Stay strong and work on making you a better person.


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## Fearthe_end (Jul 5, 2012)

Has the no contact thing helped at all?


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## casemx (Feb 1, 2012)

Fearthe_end said:


> Has the no contact thing helped at all?


She's only been gone a week. I don't have an answer for you. The one thing you have to realize is that you cant make her do anything. There is nothing you can do in this situation other than work on being the best version of you. The one thing I can tell you from experience is that the harder you try and the more you try to change her mind the farther you will push her away. Do a search on her for the 180 and read it over. Right now im trying to let her go, its the hardest thing i've ever done.


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## Darrien (Mar 22, 2012)

> I made it my goal to save it. I pushed hard. Emails, phone calls texts constantly trying to prove my love. When I got back we had probably the best year of our marriage but she did cheat when I was gone


FeartheEnd...the above does not sound good.



> I was constantly sending her emails, calling her to see what she was doing and asking her to send me this and that. Cards, packages sweet emails. She isn't one of those romantic type people but I pushed her and pushed her into being somebody she wasn't. So, I wasn't really surprised that she wasn't happy when I got back and the pushing didn't stop when I got back. I was in panic mode because I could tell something wasn't right. I stopped hanging out with friends just to be with her and would buy her things all the time. Clean the house and so on. I pretty much changed who I was and smothered her to death.


Nor does this.



> Begging her to come back telling her I love her.


Or this.




> Oh, she says she is done trying in this marriage and wont come back because she has a job in the new state and doesn't want to quit because she says she doesn't see a point in counclling. She says she is not in Love with me anymore too.


Guess she's sorted out her priorities and told you straight.




> She has printed out papers for divorce but as far as I know now she has not submitted them and the way she did the papers I will have to sign them before she is going to submit them and she as far as I know hasn't sent them to me yet. So to me thats at least a good sign.


A *good* sign?

Man, FeartheEnd, I can't see any good signs there myself.


If you have this woman back, she will walk all over you.
Is that how you want to live?
I'm pretty new to all this myself and after getting dumped after 30 years of marriage I am totally disoriented.
My wife has changed, like your wife, into somebody else.
Someone you don't really know anymore.
The only changes you will have any control over are changes in yourself. You need to step back from this situation and look at it objectively.
If this was a girlfriend you had known 6 months, would you let her treat you like that. Or would you dump her and move on.
I know this is really painful, but maybe you are flogging a dead horse here and causing yourself more pain by trying to hang on with your fingertips to the very end.
I've had to realize this in myself and my own situation.

Best of luck with everything anyway.

D


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Firstly, I want to thank you for your service, you have sacraficed so much to protect us, it may have cost you your marriage and I am sorry for that, thank you so much for what you do!!!

Secondly, unfortunately, you do need to let her go...no matter how much pleading you do, how hard you try to convince her you have changed, and even if you caught her at a weak moment and she came back...she will just run away again at the first hint of turmoil...she has to be willing to come back on her own... 

Take Casmx advice and get some counseling for yourself, heal your self...grow to be the dad your kids deserve...learn to smile again (not easy, took me a near a year after my wife left)...hopefully, your wife will take this time to do the same...no contact except finances and kids...

If...IF...she comes back it wil because her heart tod her too, then it's time for MC and so on...if she doesn't, you haven't wasted this time sitting on the front porch step waiting...you've spent it getting back up on your own 2 feet...

My wife has decided to give us a another chance...we are not settling for the way it was, we want it to be better than ever...

Good luck, God Bless and again, thank you!!!


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## Fearthe_end (Jul 5, 2012)

Thank you all for your replies. I've all ready taken steps to make myself happy. I stopped drinking which was a problem in our marriage but I didn't do it for her. I did it for me. I've been seeing a councellor and I have been living for myself. It just sucks that I know that all the changes I have been making for myself I didn't do when we were together. I tried really hard to listen to her but for some reason I just couldn't understand her and committ myself to change then. Its just sad I hear her now and see what I have done. I'm not saying she was perfect and this whole marriage was my fault but I do admit my faults in this whole thing and sadly I'm the only one willing to work on things. Not just each other separate but for us and our kids. Your right she would probably walk all over me and I know that it will probably be better to part ways but it still doesn't change the feelings I have for her and the feeling that I won't be able to be with my children much throughout the year. I wish I hated her it would make things so much easier. So, I've decided to not contact her even though I know it will be the hardest thing I ever had to do. I know contacting her hasn't done any good and frankly it hasn't been good for me either. Best of Luck to all of you.


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## Darrien (Mar 22, 2012)

FeartheEnd...There are a lot of guys in the forces who like to hang out with their buds and drink, but I'm sure you are not doing it at an alcoholic level otherwise you would not have kept your job.
Stop piling blame on yourself.
I know LOTS of guys who go out for a night with the guys, bring in the money and look after the wife and kids.
Sure,they have blazing arguments and one gives as good as the other.
But they are still strong and devoted to each other and their family and that's the difference.
You each don't have to be perfect for a marriage to work.
Some people, the successfully married ones are like that.
Others, well there is only one doing the lifting and that's just not going to work long term.
I know that doesn't help the pain much, bro.


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## casemx (Feb 1, 2012)

Try not to to dwell on the past. You can't go back and change what you've done. If you want to do some reading, I
Recomend you pick up a copy of "married mans sex life" by athol Kay. It probably 
Won't help your current situation, but it's a great read none the less. I wish I would have
Read it years ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

VVVVV click the below


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## Fearthe_end (Jul 5, 2012)

Matt1720 said:


> VVVVV click the below


Well we just had a very healthy sad goodbye today. I think I really needed closure to all this. I've learned so much this journey and it only beginning for us. We started out our talk like a typical day. Asking her to come back just to give it one last shot and things exploded from there. Blaming each other for things we both did in the past and who was at fault. Usually this is the time when one of us would say goodbye and hang up. Something then weird happened. We both calmed down and just started talking about things. She told me that the reason she left is because she hasn't loved me in a very long time and just got tired of pretending. I asked her if there was someone else and she told me that she has no desire to be in a relationship and just want to be by herself for a while and find herself again. I finally admitted that is what I really wanted is to be alone too. I think both of us got lost with who we were and why we fell in love with each other. We didn't fall in love with the person we wanted them to be but who we really were. I told her I thought her decision to be alone and not get into a relationship was good because I don't think her mind is in the right place right now and I know mine is the same way. I even told her that if she did come back it wouldn't be good right now because neither of us is ready for this. So we decided divorce is the best option. We both agreed that this doesnt mean this is completely over and that maybe sometime down the road when we are both happy with who we are that maybe we can find each other again and see how the new improved people come together. If that doesn't happen the. It was never meant to be. It took me a long time to figure out is what I really want in the end is for her to be happy because I do have unconditional love for her. If I can't make her happy maybe there is someone else that can do that for her. She really deserves that and who knows maybe I'll find out she wasn't the right girl for me as well. My marriage wasn't perfect by no means but I don't regret marrying her and getting lucky enough to have her as my wife for 12 years. So that's it I'm finally at peace with this. It still hurts a hell of a lot but it's nice to have closure and understand what has happened and accept it. What the future holds for us now who knows but it's time to find out.

Goodbye my wife maybe one day our pathes gross again!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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