# Trial Separation and How to Deal (Yup, it's long.)



## HurtinginVA (Apr 30, 2012)

Hi everyone. Never thought I would have to post in a forum but I need some help. I don't take anything away from the folks who contribute their time to help others, I just never faced a situation like this.

I am a Soldier in the US Army stationed in VA, and am currently going through a Trial Separation. At least that's what I believe it is referred to as. My wife and Ihave been married 14 years. It has always been tumultuous to say the least. I always refer to that line from an Eminem song, in that when we interact, "It's like when a tornado meets a volcano." When it's good, man, it's phenomenal. But when it's bad, it's really bad. I always accepted it because to me, the good times were worth dealing with the bad. We are a blended family. When we married she had 3 younger boys that I ended up raising. Our relationship (mine and the boys) was always rocky. I think they resented me for trying to replace their dad, and I resented my wife for how she never had my back when it came to dealing with them. Add into that the fact that I was 24 with the parenting skills of a Squirrel. Fast forward 14 years and it has hit the boiling point. 

2 weeks ago she left me to stay with her cousin in Kentucky. She said she could no longer deal with the relationship how it was going and needed to see if this could help. I obviously felt this was a bad idea. I felt as if letting her walk out that door was the death knell for our relationship. But she left. She has been gone two weeks now and it is so hard. I see other people here say this and understand how they feel: I am numb. All I feel like doing is crying and laying on the ground. When she left, she left our youngest son with me as she had no real way to support him. He is the only reason I believe I am even functional right now. I have to put on a face for him. I have to be strong for both of us. But it gets harder every day, and I do not want him to resent her for putting me through pain, so I hide it as well as I can. 

When she left she said she absolutely loved me and that she wanted to work through this. Since then we talk and text and she is adamant about the fact that she loves me and that she is IN love with me. She just needs to figure out how we can work through this. She said there would be long conversations, and that we would have to work through this. The issue though is that I think we are on two different wave lengths, or journies right now. Let me explain.

I know in my heart (and I know with time this could change) that I love her and want to be with her. I know that I want to work through this. I also know that I share a healthy portion of the blame for the issues in our relationship. The day she left, I purchase the book "The Love Dares" from the movie Fireproof. Every day I read the Love Dare for the day and try to reflect. I try and see what I have done, and how I can change it. I don't want to change as a person; I want to change how I convey my feelings and how I communicate those feelings. We are all genuinely good people, we just aren't always very convincing when we communicate our emotions. Long story short, I started working on things the moment she left.

She however is handling this a little different. I don't pretend to be in her head, but I feel as if her priorities are getting herself right first, and THEN working on us. You can understand how this makes me feel and the position I am in. She is doing nothing inappropriate. I do not doubt that at all. And we have discussed the fact that we are not on a break of any type, a la Friends. So that is not my concern. 

The issue that comes up is that any time that I am sad and she calls or texts and she can tell I am sad, she says that she just doesn't want to deal with it right now and that she is going to get off the phone. This is so tough for me. Last night she spoke to my son and I knew when the conversation was over that she would be sad. I called her and asked her if she was ok, and if she wanted to talk. I reassured her that our son loved her and missed her, and that she shouldn't blame herself for this or beat herself up about the situation. I tried to be there for her, but I feel as if I am not receiving that support in return. 

I have plenty of friends. But their advice would be a little biased to say the least. Like most young Soldiers, they would be like, "Man, just do you." Or "Hey, just move on you can be single now." LOL Not exactly the advice I am looking for. 

I worry that she is going to focus on getting herself in order (i.e. finding herself a job, finding an apartment, etc.) and THEN she will want to assess where we are at. But in the meantime, I am here, cleaning a huge house, cooking, and taking care of all the responsibilities and putting my emotions on hold because she wasn't ready to discuss our issues before. Let me say that I am not jealous of her situation. I would rather it be like this, but I would also prefer a little support as well.

I just don't know what to do. I feel the frustration. I feel the anger creeping in. I feel myself on the verge of just saying to hell with it in order to begin the healing process. But dealing with these emotions and waiting for her is worth it to me. I just get no indication that she is even thinking about working on it. I made a rule to myself (among many) that I would not read into things she says. But I feel as if I have no other recourse because she is not sharing how she feels. And yes, I feel as if I am driving myself crazy. The phrase "Emotional Rollercoaster" has never rang more true. 

I guess I am looking for any advice at all, from an unbiased audience. From people who have assumed the role of being left, being reactionary as opposed to being the one calling the shots. But info from both sides would be helpful.

Again, I really appreciate anything. I'm human, so of course I want my beliefs validated. LOL I want to hear, "Just wait it out bro, she will come around." I am also a realist, and if anyone can give me a little insight on her way of thinking, or advice on how to proceed, it would be ridiculously appreciated. Thanks in advance for any kind words that hit this thread.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

I would be upset she is looking for an apartment. IMHO it appears she is trying to make this permanent. I left my H and moved in with my parents, even though it's not ideal. The day i get my own house or apartment is the day I know it's truly over.

On the other hand, she said she is IN LOVE with you. Most women won't say that unless they really are. I would suggest doing the 180. It's liable to snap her right out of it!

I wish you the best. You'll have a lot of support here on TAM.


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## HurtinginVA (Apr 30, 2012)

Bluebeuty, when you say 180, you mean back off and give her time to miss me, to simplify it? Her impulse right now is not to get an apartment. She is staying with a cousin who is well off, and we know that she doesn't mind her being there at all. But financially, she does need a job to be able to exist there. I would imagine she would want an apartment, but she has never really said as much.

Spoke to her last night and had a bit of an outpouring. The last argument she had she says flipped a switch. Not the I love you, or I'm not in love with you switch, but she says it was a switch and made her realize she never wanted to feel that angry with me again. It was a very bad argument. She says she cannot definitely tell me where she is at right now, emotionally, or whether she wants us to be together and work towards that end. 

In my mind I feel as if the best I can do is just try and be there for her and hope for the best. I am travelling on business to an area about half an hour from her and she told me she definitely wants to see me. I know in my mind the weekend will be great for us, as at that time we will not have seen each other in over a month. I've deployed for periods of up to 15 months and I have never missed her like this. Think I am going to speak to an agency today and getting a counselor. Just need someone to talk to. Thanks again for the advice.


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