# Another miserable BS, 17 years down the drain



## Estirpe (May 8, 2018)

First of all, thank you for this forum, reading thru all this posts makes me feel not alone.

Here we go with my devastation:*
My wife of 17 years cheated on me with her boss, she says that started in Dec 2017 and "ended" in April. I have been suspecting her for a few months, gut feelings, I've put a VAR, GPS and nothing, then I came to realize that it has to be with a COW.*
Pp*
She never confessed, I caught it because she missed work and came home early that day, first she said that went to work and left work early to go shopping, then after a while she admitted not going to work, I asked her where did she go and and she said she went to lunch with 2 friends.

2 days later I still think she is lying, then I asked her to send a text to one if those friends she had lunch with and ask something like "do you know if I paid with a credit card or cash during lunch, see a line I misplaced my credit card" , of course she cant do that because that person obviously will respond with "we never had lunch, what are you talking about"

The she followed the cheaters handbook and told me yes, we have a relationship for 5 months but no sex, found emails saying each other thinking of you, I love you, I miss you, all the mushy stuff, still I felt something was missing and I told her that I will find the guy and make him confess, then that night she finally confessed that she had intercourse with him in his office and in a hotel that day when "she was having lunch with the 2 friends"*
We have 2 kids that are my life and I was to think her life too and I really dont want them to go thru yo even 1% of what I'm going thru right now, I feel like a piece of shinola, I feel like I'm not longer a man, I cry without even thinking about it, even in front of her because I cant hold it.*
She says she takes responsibility for her actions.

When I ask her questions and she answers them, it feels like the truth sometimes but other times like coming from a cheater handbook.*
She was honest with me and I appreciate that, by telling me that she felt passion when kissing the guy and hugging him but she felt empty when sex took place, according to her she wasn't looking for that, she stated she was looking for affection and validation.*
She actually told me things like positions and some gory details that I guess I need them to write one fu#@$% script of the movies I'm seeing in my head every minute. I know they will never tell the whole truth but that is something I guess.

We are both 46yo by the way, I've read about MLC but for me that is also [BS], I didn't stray.

I dont think she ever cheated before, I hope not but also I dont see myself forgiving her and move forward with the marriage thinking that when I kiss her she might be thinking about the OM or a position, you know the good stuff**already filed for divorce but still living together with the kids, exposed the affair at work, she already quit.

Its worth mentioning that during the 6 months her affair lasted she mistreated me, told me she was not longer attracted to me, neglected me, we had sex 6 times during those months, told me that it never crossed her mind to be unfaithful, when I asked her the direct question she denied, she even swore.*
She was behaving like most people would say "in the FOG". I really dont believe that shinola, you either love me and in love with me or you dont.*
WSs please shine in, I would like to hear from you, women preferably.

Now she shows some remorse and crying, she knows she has lost everything, at this point I dont know what to believe anymore, she went to get STD test done, quit her job, sent NC email, reading books and told me she wants a second chance, she is also in IC, she says she thinks she never stop loving me and she can get that spark back, the problem is that I dont think I want that anymore, it like someone stole you best tou and brought back to you abused and destroyed, you wouldn't want to play with that toy anymore.*
I will not use my kids as pawns ever like I said and will do everything in my power to avoid that pain for them.

During those months I tried fighting for my marriage but I guess she was in too deep with OM who is also married, I called his wife and informed her as well, nobody deserves to live in the dark.*
I've asked her why she didnt come to me and told me about her needs so I could meet them, she says she didnt know how, the OM gave her the usual lines like I am lonely also, I sleep in a different room, etc.*
Per my wife she went to him a few times to stop it before became sexual but he told her we have a lot in common, we need to bond and all the [BS] a man will say to get into a woman's panties.

Now on her favor she is a good mother, cares for the kids and until that started a good wife not perfect but who is?*
I know my faults in the marriage, I know I neglected her in some ways, but never stop telling her she was beautiful, that I love her and it looks like I actually showed it because other people always talk about our relationship in a good way and the harmony in my family.

Sorry for the long post and maybe for the back and forth in the ideas but I cant think properly, I dont have anybody to talk to.*
I'm smoking 3 packs a day at least, barely working from home, not eating properly, lost 51 pounds again I feel my whole world and family was just taken from me in seconds and there is nothing I can do to bring them back. I pray every time I cry and ask for strength but it doesn't come. I tought about putting a bullet in my mouth but then I went to kiss my daughter good night and when she said to me she loves me I couldn't do it. I have never been a coward and always thought I was prepared for anything but this is too much. An old friend of mine used to tell me that you are not a man until you are cheated on and come back as a winner.

Please forgive spelling and grammar, English is not my first language.

Thanks for reading!


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Whenever you want to end your life, go look at your daughter as a reminder of why you need to stay alive. Her life would be changed forever for the worse. Children whose parents have committed suicide are more likely to have emotional problems and commit suicide themselves.

The way you are feeling is perfectly normal. Your world has been turned upside down. The person who promised to love and cherish you has stabbed you in the back.

You did the right thing telling the OMW about the affair. It is also good your wife has stopped all contact with OM and is remorseful. She has a lot of work to do, however, and it will take years to restore the marriage to a good place. It will be a different place, not the same as before.

Your wife and you will be rebuilding a new marriage. The old marriage is dead. That is why you feel so badly. Your wife needs to understand this. She is actually starting behind where she began when the two of you first met.

Your wife needs individual counseling to figure out why she is so selfish and short sighted.

***why all the stars throughout your post? What do they mean?


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## Estirpe (May 8, 2018)

I dont know why the stars * lol.


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## Estirpe (May 8, 2018)

She is going to IC, tomorrow is her second visit, we both went to another IC , so technically it'll be her 3rd visit


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Are you in IC as well? It's important that you focus on yourself too.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

@Estirpe you dont need to decide anything right away. Get into IC and focus on healing YOU. Let your wife fix her sh!t you can not do that for her. In time your decision whether to stay or go will become clearer if you work on you.

Utilize TAM there are many years of experience here in dealing with infidelity.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Estirpe said:


> First of all, thank you for this forum, reading thru all this posts makes me feel not alone.
> 
> Here we go with my devastation:*
> My wife of 17 years cheated on me with her boss, she says that started in Dec 2017 and "ended" in April. I have been suspecting her for a few months, gut feelings, I've put a VAR, GPS and nothing, then I came to realize that it has to be with a COW.*
> ...


Probably too soon to know. Just remember and I know this is hard, staying together is not keeping the old marriage. That marriage is now gone. Whether you want it or not, her affair has changed who she is. That person is the person you will spend the rest of your life with, and all that history now. Do not make the choice thinking this will eventually go away and be like before. You may be able to learn to live with it. Unfortunately it will never fully go away even if you leave, but it will get to the point where it holds no power. The most important thing to think about is what will the quality of my life be like. Which you may not be able to say at this point. I think the only ones who know that right away are the ones who know they can't live with it. 

I would want to know why NOW she wants you. To me it would seem like I am plan B. If she was willing to dump you before. Is it just because it didn't work out? That may be and almost sounds like it's the case, is that acceptable to you? Why does she get to test drive someone else why you are stuck with a disloyal spouse? Is that enough for you? Also maybe she is just scared to move on or be alone as well and it has nothing to do with love, she obviously didn't love you 6 months ago when she was cheating on you. At least any definition of love I think of. Does she even know what love is? Ask her this stuff. 

Also I know this is harder then it sounds but maybe stop being afraid of not being with her or work to that. Your life is not over. The pain will go away. I goes away faster if you move on and find someone else but either way it does go away. Work on detaching and getting to the point that you know that, then make your decision. You will start to feel better when you take the agency back in your life. Your happiness is not dependent on even this women who was your wife. When you really detach and are without fear of life without her then you will be making a decision that is not motivated by fear but by strength. Detaching is your best defense. Immerse yourself in you for a while, and forget about her. 

If it was me I would follow through with the divorce. Date and let her compete if she really wants you she will fight for you. After all maybe you can find someone else out there who will be loyal. It may also have the added benefit of removing any insecurities her affair may have caused you. Also you may find out that your wife is still the best choice even with the cheating. Though she may move on too, if that is the case then the breakup was for the best anyway, at least in my mind. 

She should read "Not just friends" and "How to help your spouse heal from your affair". What exactly is she doing to win you back except crying? Your right "the fog" is bull****. She says she can get the spark back, how does she propose to make it up to you and actually get YOU to want to stay with someone like her? That's the thing with these folks they still think they are the catch and operate that way. If life were fair your wife from now on only deserves someone who was as loyal and faithful as she was to you. If you stay with her you are doing her the favor, and sacrificing much more then she is. No one wants a disloyal spouse. She is now your plan B. She needs to get that to have a chance in my mind. 

Now is the time to stop worrying about this women and put the focus on you. She fired you, you need to stop seeing yourself as her protector and husband. You were fired as that job and she gave that role to the other guy. It should take a hell of a lot for her to win that back, if ever. You should not be giving her that by default anymore. That takes loyalty to earn don't give her yours when she had none for you. You need to do what it takes to heal. Start there.

Finally you say you don't feel like a man but many if not most men or just people get cheated on at least once in their lives. So far you have done a lot better then most. It's better to be a man who reacts strongly and knows his worth even if he is afraid. Who takes action that he knows is right even if it is very hard. Being a man is about doing the right thing despite fear, or pain. If you do that in the end you will look back on this moment in your life with pride. What ever you do don't do it because you are afraid. You will truly start to feel better when you get to the point where you know with or without her you can be happy. Then you will truly have your agency back. Strive for that.


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## Estirpe (May 8, 2018)

She should read "Not just friends" and "How to help your spouse heal from your affair". 

She is reading those books already


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Estirpe said:


> She should read "Not just friends" and "How to help your spouse heal from your affair".
> 
> She is reading those books already


That is good. What does she say about them as she reads them? You need to read them too, so you know what they say to know what to look for in your wife's attitudes during reconciliation.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

She didn't feel empty when the sex occurred. She loved it and went back for more. She's lying to you. Don't allow that.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Estirpe said:


> I dont know why the stars * lol.


I kept looking for footnotes. What is COW?


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

NobodySpecial said:


> I kept looking for footnotes. What is COW?


Co-Worker.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

I am sorry to hear you are in this situation. Poor kids, poor you. Even though you exposed and found out many of these details I would be very suspicious that she is telling you the truth about everything. I am sure there are details that she knows she cannot expose to you (like the sex wasnt good)

_Anyway_. The thoughts of suicide need to be smashed. You need to be a man for yourself and your daughter. You need to be the superman she looks up to as she grows into an adult and not someone who quit the game.

Weight Lifting has been shown to reduce depression. It has also been shown to release many beneficial and feel good hormones like dopamine. 
*
Join a gym and LIFT HEAVY WEIGHTS.* 
- Search the 'compound lifts' and do them with heavy weights. Compound lifts require multiple muscles and joints and shock your nervous system. They do a plethora of beneficial things to your body. 

Channel all your pain into those weights and lift them off the ground. Push through them. Conquer them. And then increase the weight for the next week. Lifting heavy weights will be your outlet

The benefits are too long to list... but a great side effect is that you will feel great and you will look great. 

Dont find an excuse not to do it. Private Message me if you want a really good program that I can forward you


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

You'll never get back what you had, its up to you whether you can live with that or not. My personal belief is with no kids or even grown kids, you divorce. But with kids, it gets complicated. Some say, they will stay until the kids are out of the house, but odds are they usually stay, inertia is a powerful thing. You have a lot of thinking to do in the coming months. Always trust her actions, not her words, maybe that will be enough to keep the marriage, maybe not. Always be there for your kids, though

As the poster above said, join a gym. Best thing I did after Dday.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Is she getting served today?

And can I make a suggestion? Give ALL firearms to a good friend for temporary keeping. Please get them out of your house

Good luck


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Brother, you are doing a lot of the right things and you are having a lot of the normal thoughts. It hurts, I know it hurts bad but thankfully you have seen what will hold you to bring it altogether if anything else .... your precious daughter. You will go through an immense roller coaster but know that it will get better. So you must take care of yourself for yourself because your daughter, now more than ever needs that!


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## pbj2016 (May 7, 2017)

Your wife made conscious decisions every day to cheat for 5 months. Not just a couple of times. Yes, she might have been in a fog but I see you are making excuses for her behavior. Her remorse was forced on her by your suspicions leading to the truth. She trickled the truth, minimizing the parts that she thinks might hurt you the worst and boasting about the parts that she enjoyed. 

She now might be in full regret but I think you should be honest with her about your current mental state. If you are struggling with mind movies based on her boastings now I don’t know if you will ever get past it. 

If it was me, I would file for divorce because your marriage died the day she decided the other man was her soul mate. 

You can decide to reconcile later if you do happen to get past the mind games. Yes, your kids will be affected by an eventual divorce. Yes, your life will never be the same but that was already a given when she became a cheater. 

Your plan should be to remove yourself from the current misery. Upon introspection, there is also nothing wrong with you executing on a plan of self improvement should you discover something missing in your life. But again don’t let someone blame you for their actions. She had no problem telling the other man about your perceived failings in your current marriage. She could have afforded you the same opportunities long before she became vulnerable to her affair partner.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Your marriage is dead due to her actions, just let it go, now if after the divorce you want to see if there is something there, then let her work to keep you but you have absolutely no obligation to do so.....she found out the grass is not as green on the other side of the fence, so now she wants to control you by keeping you on your side of that fence rather than finding out if you can find something better than her, and she realizes it you can, so she is trying to hold on for dear life now....tell you what tell her to do this:

divorce her and then tell her you want to experience some other women and if she will to wait and stay celibate you will be back in 6 months and see if the both of you could build again...chances are she won't but she expect you too in this marriage...that would make her not just a cheater but a hypocrite as well. and if you buy into this that makes you a sap.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

So I see you are on SI now. I am banned from that site but I will say one thing from reading that thread. You have a biblical right to divorce your wife for infidelity, the bible is very clear about that. Mathew 19:9 In fact in the old testament you wouldn't even have a choice, she was to be stoned to death. Leviticus 20:10 The bible is also quite clear about staying away from an adulterous women. There are many scriptures and a whole chapter about it. Proverbs 7. I personally think that sound like a clear recommendation to stay away. Now your pastor will probably point to forgiveness and I think you should eventually get to that place but that has nothing to with staying married to her. And I think the bible pretty clearly warns you not to.


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## Estirpe (May 8, 2018)

The benefits are too long to list... but a great side effect is that you will feel great and you will look great. 
Dont find an excuse not to do it. Private Message me if you want a really good program that I can forward you



I have a gym at home, a cage db up to 110 pounds, the whole enchilada. Until Jan I was to lift heavy as hell until I started suspecting my wife, all my time was then dedicated to that and to think how I can catch her. 
Now the problem is that I see that gym as a trigger, she has selfies on her phone from last year that I don't know if she shared with the OM. They are like a month before the affair started. As you can see everything in my life and around me is a dawn trigger. I went to the gym in the AM and wanted to break all mirrors, lol


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Estirpe said:


> The benefits are too long to list... but a great side effect is that you will feel great and you will look great.
> Dont find an excuse not to do it. Private Message me if you want a really good program that I can forward you
> 
> 
> ...


Stop seeing your wife as being in charge of your destiny or your happiness as dependent on her being with you and that will help. Start really seeing what she did and who she is. Is she really worth you no longer lifting weights if she is duplicitous enough to cheat on you like she did? Is it really your problem or your responsibility that she was loose enough to take pictures and send them to another guy when she was married? Why, why do you care then? If you met her now with no history would you even want to talk to her let alone be married to her? Why are you worrying about what this person thinks about you? She is a jerk. Isn't there better out there? Like it matters with someone who will treat you with honor or if she did something that was reasonable, but she is just a *******.

Lots of people get cheated on, but you don't have to give the cheater head space you can see them for what they are someone who has very little value in your life.


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## Estirpe (May 8, 2018)

Stop seeing your wife as being in charge of your destiny or your happiness as dependent on her being with you and that will help. 


Oh no, I don't see her as being in charge of my happiness, it's just that I can't take that **** of my mind, I told myself tomorrow I will work out even if she is in the same room, I have never been a guy that runs but I was never prepared for this kind of war, I feel like i have a gun and the bullets are a mile away throughout enemy lines. But I will get the bullets, I will be hit by bunch of bullets but I will load my gun for sure. 
That is a fact.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Ain't nothing down the drain. You had 17 years of education. You are not "starting over". The concept of "17 years down the drain" assumes that somehow, you spent 17 years building to some end-goal. Marriage is not an end-goal, it is something you enjoy while experiencing it, and you did so, for some time. Then things go bad and you get to evaluate how you handle bad situations.

You get out of it, you think of the negatives, you figure out what you learned about yourself from them, which makes them positive, you forgive her (which means you admit that her behaviors caused you hurt), and in the next relationship, you do better.

Done.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Estirpe said:


> She was honest with me and I appreciate that, by telling me that she felt passion when kissing the guy and hugging him but she felt empty when sex took place, according to her she wasn't looking for that, she stated she was looking for affection and validation.*


Just curious out of all the things she's lied to you about, why do you naturally accept that she's being honest with you when she says she felt empty and was just looking for affection and validation. If anything that last part is trying to deflect blame on you because you didn't give it to her so she had to go find it somewhere else.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear OP;

Your 17 year marriage as you knew is over because of what your wife did and nothing you or she can do will change that.

You do need to go through some IC to help you heal and grieve the loss of your marriage.

Depending on if you can forgive her and if she will do the hard work it takes the two of you can reconcile if you both want to. That means that the two of you can build a new and different marriage. It will not be the same, but it might be good enough or it might even be better depending on what the two of you put into it and how much you can forgive.

In talking to your IC talk about the grieving process, talk about how to establish boundaries, talk about how to forgive. Then if you can forgive your wife, talk about who might be able to help with marriage counseling for the two of you.

Good luck.


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## Estirpe (May 8, 2018)

Just curious out of all the things she's lied to you about, why do you naturally accept that she's being honest with you when she says she felt empty and was just looking for affection and validation. If anything that last part is trying to deflect blame on you because you didn't give it to her so she had to go find it somewhere else.



Why would she lie about the sex part, its not like it makes any difference to me, she fcuk a other man, like she says it will make no sense to lie about that not even to make feel good. 
That is exactly what I told her about that excuse needing to be validated, I wanted to be validated too and I didn't cheat. 
She is going to IC but they are asking question about her childhood, for me that is bullsh1t, she cheated because she wanted to, no science will tell me otherwise, like some people mention "the fog" , fog my a$$ 
Fog is the same thing we had for each other 17 years ago, in love to each other. Cheaters fall in love with someone else and they get a free pass with the fog, the validation, coping skills, etc. 
You cheated and that is it, you want to work it out, fine but don't tell me you didnt know what you were doing and you were brainwashed. 

Why you kept deleting text messages? 
Why you kept deleting call logs?
Why did you hide and lie to go to a hotel?
Why you came with excuses about traffic? 
Why did you treat your husband poorly during that period? 
Why didnt you pick up the phone when you were with OM?

Because you wanted to and you know that what you were doing was wrong, anything else will be insulting your husband. 
Maybe I am old school but that is how I see it.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Sounds like you already answered what you need to do. Your post above clearly shows that you need to move on and won't trust her. Just D and 180 her.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Start taking care of yourself for the sake of your kids. 

Follow through with the divorce. 

Date around to see how it suits you. Then decide if you want to fix things with your ex wife.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Estirpe:

1. Divorce can stopped at any time. Watch her actions.

2. Demand a timeline of her affair to be confirmed by a polygraph.

3. Polygraph her so you know what you are dealing with.

4. Courage, strength, and decisiveness are what you have shown so far. Keep it up.

5. She should be in "OMG, what have I done" mode by now. Good luck, you are handling this better than most.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Estirpe, we know your pain. We been there! 

You need help from your doctor regarding your mental state.

This number and this link will -hopefully- be of help to you


1-800-273-TALK 

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/#

We'll be here for you.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Always realize that suicide is never a viable answer!

Your children are worth the world to you compared to your deceptive, gaslighting wife and her cheating nature!

From a personal standpoint, I wouldn't recommend reconciliation but that's just me! But if you are forthright in pursuing it, then you both need to get into an extensive and arduous marriage counseling and affair recovery program. Faith and trust has to be totally restored to have any degree of success!

It won't be easy for either of you but at least it's a start in the right direction!

In any event, I wish you well!*


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you look at the other threads here you will see that the cheater always lies and continues to lie after they get caught. Have you checked your phone bill and phone, google, Facebook, browser, etc. histories?m
Cheaters are broken people. That’s why the counselor is asking about her childhood. That is good. Whatever is wrong with her mentally may be fixable but maybe not. We see many times that cheating women were abused when they were younger. It causes serious self esteem issues among others. It makes them ripe for being picked by a player.

What happened with the boss after you told his wife? Did you talk to her in person? Was your wife immediately willing to stop the affair?


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## Estirpe (May 8, 2018)

What happened with the boss after you told his wife? Did you talk to her in person? Was your wife immediately willing to stop the affair?


I do have access to her phone, FB, email account, etc. 
Her boss as far I can tell was fired, I have confirmed this with 2 people that work there, my wife quit the very same day, DDay was Sunday and she went back Monday to drop off laptop, phone, etc. She also sent a NC email to OM. 
I spoke with OM wife on the phone. 
She also agreed to a polygraph but I haven't scheduled it yet.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

**** canned! That’s great. 

You need to make a decision, stay with your cheating pos wife or divorce your pos wife. 

There is no need for a polygraph if you are too divorce. 

If you are to stay, why the polygraph? You already know she was ****ing her boss’s brains out.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

ABHale said:


> **** canned! That’s great.
> 
> You need to make a decision, stay with your cheating pos wife or divorce your pos wife.
> 
> ...



The polygraph may help in the decision.

If he finds out there is more than she is admitting to, that may seal his decision against a reconciliation.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Stay in close contact with the POS’s wife. She is going to be your best Allie in finding out what really happened and putting an end to this


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Wolfman1968 said:


> The polygraph may help in the decision.
> 
> If he finds out there is more than she is admitting to, that may seal his decision against a reconciliation.


Her doing her boss should have done that.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

ABHale said:


> Her doing her boss should have done that.



For many, that is true. 

There are some who would want to try to reconcile, but for that to be successful, there must be true remorse and especially complete honesty. And the betrayed spouse often needs some reassurance of the level of honesty. Thus, the polygraph.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

First, when kids are involved I always would recommend a valid attempt at reconciliation. Second, I think you should be in intensive counseling, multiple visits a week. Third, as some others have also said, you need to be doing things to lift your self esteem. Go to a nutritionist, have you diet analyzed and get eating super healthy, then get back to the working out, lots of weights and lots of cardio. I like lots of cardio when I'm stressed because the endorphins help with the stress. 
Forth, spend lots of time with your kids, put your energy into what matters most.

Last, please follow the advice of @Kamstel and give up the guns. Get yourself some good support, doesn't matter who friends, counselor, clergy, family whoever you trust and will be there when you need them. Some antidepressants might be called for during these times, a visit to your doctor might be in order to get some help. You can get through this, you are in control of your future. Reconcile, divorce what ever you decide, your life has a long way to go and this is only one glorious horror that will leave you stronger, healthier and better than before. 

I wish you the best of luck, be strong.


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## DjDjani (Feb 10, 2018)

Hi OP, sorry for your situation. If I was you, I would do this: proceed with the divorce. Tell your wife that you will date other woman, but she us not allowed yo date another man, and she needs to fight for you and to prove that she will be right person foe you in the future. If she dated other man it is over and you will certainly divorce her. So, she needs to watch you date another woman and fight for you. Is it fair? No, but it isn't fair that she banged her boss for 6 months also. If she agrees and fights for you the whole time, then you can possibly be with her again. And you won't be felling less of a man any more. She banged her boss, you bang a couple of woman, but the thing is you won't be cheating like her was. That is only solution that will work long time. That or divorce and never talk to her again. If you forgive her now, she gets to bang other people and to have a good fateful husband, and you get to have a cheating who. E. That is just not right.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Estirpe what country are you in ? What are the divorce laws like ? At fault divorces allowed ?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Wolfman1968 said:


> For many, that is true.
> 
> There are some who would want to try to reconcile, but for that to be successful, there must be true remorse and especially complete honesty. And the betrayed spouse often needs some reassurance of the level of honesty. Thus, the polygraph.


Ok here’s the problem. Op already knows that during the affair that his wife chose the OM over him. 

So what else needs to be know?

Either he moves on with R knowing his wife is not in love with him. 

Or

He divorces that cheating wife of his that is not in love with him. 

Does it matter in this case weather the two **** 50 Or 100 times? 

Does it matter how many times she told her boss “I love you”.

Does it matter if there were others?

If OP stays with his wife after what she has done, then he just needs to get over her ****ing her boss. Also the fact that she is not in love with him.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

The use of a poly is a parking lot confession. They are not full proof. They can be used when the WS says nothing happened or there wasn’t an affair. Like I said parking lot confessions. 

This has work at times and the WS spills everything in the parking. 

On this thread OP knows and his wife has acknowledged that she was having sex with her boss. 

OP’s wife has also agreed to the poly, because she isn’t scared of anything else being revealed. 

The only real way to administer a poly is by surprise. Where the BS takes the WS to the place and informs he or she what is about to happen. If the WS refuses to take it the BS needs to hand the WS divorce papers.

If a relationship has gotten to a point where a poly is needed to begin with. What really is left to save of it.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Trident said:


> Just curious out of all the things she's lied to you about, why do you naturally accept that she's being honest with you when she says she felt empty and was just looking for affection and validation.


Because it sounds a lot better than the truth - that she was attracted to the guy and was greatly enjoying the excitement, romance and passion of the affair.

So, there's that.

I'm sure she thinks it sounds MUCH better to claim she was just a sad, lonely victim who was just so vulnerable and that's how it happened.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If OP comes back, my advice is proceed with divorce and maybe date her afterwards...if she shows she truly wants the relationship. Not the marriage but the relationship. Those are two different things.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

One client at an old firm went to his WW at this point and said that her actions have compromised his love for her. He then told her that he would appreciate if she would make alternate living arrangements. She was caught off guard and asked him what was she to say to friends and family, to which he replied that everyone had been told by him, and she would just be confirming details. She was unemployed at this point, and her choice of affair partners ended any possibility of a comparable position, so she asked how was she to live. His response told her everything. How is that my responsibility? He asked, you did not give me any consideration when you torched this marriage, why should I give a **** about what happens to you? You can be homeless for your crime. She moved in with friends and worked tirelessly to earn him back. She got a front row seat when we encouraged him to date again. She was apoplectic when the divorce papers arrived. We were uninvolved with the settlement. She offered to forego spousal support in order to entice him. She showed up at their former home to find it redecorated, new pictures hung. And finally some clutter that was definitely female clothing. She knew she had driven a nail into their marriage, and would spend a long time regretting the errors she made. She also discovered a day or so later that the new GF was pregnant. Up until her affair, they were preparing to start a family.All she could do was watch from afar, some other woman got her man, her home, and the life she had wanted. I say too bad so sad.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

ABHale said:


> Ok here’s the problem. Op already knows that during the affair that his wife chose the OM over him.
> 
> So what else needs to be know?
> 
> ...


I can think of a few issues where a polygraph would make a difference. 

For example:

If there were many others, then it might indicate a severe personality issue worse than just 1 affair that would make reconciliation unfeasible.

If the polygraph reveals additional lies that she is hiding, that means she is not emotionally/mentally committed to doing everything/being truthful that would be necessary for a TRUE reconciliation.

There might be some lines crossed during the affair which are "points of no return" for the BS concerning reconciliation--certain sex acts, certain behaviors during the affair which would be particularly cruel to the BS, etc. (These may not matter to you, but they may matter for some BS).


In particular, I think using the polygraph as a test to prove how committed she is for reconciliation (by showing there are no further lies/secrets/obstacles to complete honesty) would be the strongest reason for using it.


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## Estirpe (May 8, 2018)

Stay in close contact with the POS’s wife. She is going to be your best Allie in finding out what really happened and putting an end to this


I don't even know her phone number, i had to track her down to where she works which is a jail and she doesn't have an extension there. 
I left my number for her to call me and when she did it showed just 5 digits in the caller id. 
I feel bad for the way I gave her the news, remember saying there is no way to sugar coat this, your husband is ****ing my wife, she then called me again and more calmly I gave her some details.


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## Estirpe (May 8, 2018)

If OP comes back, my advice is proceed with divorce

Already filed for divorce, just waiting for papers to arrive by mail, they said I can take up to 10 days.


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## Estirpe (May 8, 2018)

She also gave gore details of the encounters because I demanded to know the most I can. I know is maybe sick to know all that **** but that is the only way for me to show the mind movie the closest as possible to what really happened. She might be lying about the details as well but I just use them for stopping the crazy movies.


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## Estirpe (May 8, 2018)

But man this **** makes me feel bad, makes me feel half of a man, I told her why didn't you just killed me instead. 
She says that there is nothing I did and she is the one at fault, that has nothing to do with me but how the hell are you going to say that if I am the corpse. 
She keeps saying that in reality she never thought of me or the kids but she found a way to tell **** to herself like I was a controlling person and **** like that. 
I asked her if you count me out when you were having the affair, what the fcuk are you doing here still?
I told her after Dday how on earth I didn't even exist before I caught you and 3 days later you apologized and say that you want to be with me. 

I know she can support herself, she makes more money than me but the respect she got from being my wife she cannot buy, I am a very respected and loved person in the community.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

The loss of respect, the loss of friends and possibly siblings is a direct result of her ****ing around on you with some piece of sh t. You have NOTHING to do with it.

And can you imagine the loss of respect family, friends, neighbors would have FOR YOU, if you stayed with her?

Congratulations on filing for divorce!!! I know that it is painful, but it is the quickest and easiest way to get rid of the pain!!

You can do it!!
You will survive!!!
You are stronger than you think
Just keep moving forward!!!


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

And at least she is being honest about 1 thing. Her ****ing the piece of sh t had NOTHING to do with you! She wasn’t thinking about you at all. She just wanted to get laid! 

Yes, it hurts like hell, but now you know who and what she really is!!! You know know what she is capable of doing to you and her kids!!! She can forget they ever existed in exchange for a few orgasms!!! 

She is not the beautiful woman you thought she was! You are. Is seeing her for who and what she really is!!

Can you imagine ever touching her again and not think about how dirty she is???

Can you imagine ever kissing her and not seeing her sucking his **** and swallowing him after he came in her mouth?

Can you ever imagine making love to her ever again, and performing oral sex on her and not seeing him sliding in and out of her???


Sorry for the 2 x 4s, just trying to make sure you see her for what she truly is!!

Hang in there.
Take it one day at a time!


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Your soon to be ex is the one that has loss her respect. 

You will keep yours when you hand her the divorce papers.


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## Dutchman1 (Mar 30, 2018)

THIS:

She wasn’t thinking about you at all. She just wanted to get laid!


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## Mstanton (Feb 8, 2011)

Get rid of her and as soon as possible. That should be your only thought.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Just checking In on you today. How are you doing?

Hang in there. 
You’ll get through this hell.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Estirpe said:


> I told her after Dday how on earth I didn't even exist before I caught you and 3 days later you apologized and say that you want to be with me.


I could never understand the above. You have a bad marriage that makes you vulnerable to have an affair. Then you have an affair and that makes the bad marriage even worse. Then your spouse finds out and the marriage is even more damaged.

Now your bad marriage is two degrees worse and you are willing to walk over hot coals to save it. Why? Because your spouse found out?



Estirpe said:


> Its worth mentioning that during the 6 months her affair lasted she mistreated me, told me she was not longer attracted to me, neglected me,
> 
> She says she thinks she never stop loving me and she can get that spark back.


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