# Am I a realist or a jerk?



## Ben77 (Sep 16, 2011)

I have known my wife for 16 years and been married 11 years. We have no children and are financially secure. We have what I consider a "low conflict melancholy marriage". No fights, abuse, addictions, or other major issues. The problem is, it has evolved into a roommate relationship more than a marriage. I think we respect each other, would have each other's back in the case of a crisis, and can enjoy each others company if we go out somewhere. BUT, there is minimal affection and very rare sex. We have talked about this problem and know what we SHOULD do to try to improve the situation yet neither of us takes any action. I am honestly not that attracted to her physically anymore. She is attractive but there just isn't any desire or passion left after all these years. Needless to say it does not make for a happy household. She is 10 years younger than I (I am 58) but acts 10 years older! She goes to bed at 9 PM and always seems to have some problem to complain about and telling me how badly she feels etc. Yet physical exams and tests are always fine. I feel she likes to complain or maybe is seeking attention. It makes me feel like I am living in a retirement home and I find it a little depressing. Anyway, part of me says I need to stick it out and make the best of it, the old "for better or worse" deal. Would a divorce make me feel like a failure? The other (perhaps selfish) side of me says, there are no children involved, life is short, why should I (and possibly her) be unhappy because of some words spoken during a ceremony 11 years ago. I am really conflicted over this. We are trying counseling but I am somewhat skeptacle it will help. I would appreciate others thoughts on staying vs. leaving. Thanks!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I don't think you should make any drastic decisions. Get into counseling to help find out why you and your wife are so disconnected. 

What are your conversations like? Do you still talk to each other?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Ben

Make the change. I mean, start becoming more fun and mysterious. Get a new hobby. But also do new unexpected things with your girl that is so out of the daily routine

If you change you and what you do, how you perceive life and it's mysteries, then your wife has no other choice than to get on the boat herself or bail. 

Your wife should never be the source of your happiness. But if she's into you, she will participate in your life

If she doesn't, then you have your answer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Ben77 said:


> She goes to bed at 9 PM and always seems to have some problem to complain about and telling me how badly she feels etc. Yet physical exams and tests are always fine. ... I would appreciate others thoughts on staying vs. leaving. Thanks!


Ben, Don't you think leaving as a solution is kind of out of proportion to the problem at hand? There are a lot of reasons having nothing to do with you that might cause something like this. However, she still needs to try. And you owe it to her to let her know in a loving manner what you need and what you expect. After you have clearly, thoughtfully and nicely brought your feelings to her attention, see what she says and does. If you can't lead your way out of this, write back for more suggestions


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## Daisytoo (Sep 16, 2011)

You are neither a realist or a jerk. Your wife sounds depressed. You might be too - when did you start to lose your desire for her? Is her early to bed routine a response to your lack of desire? Or did her early to bed/complaining cause your lack of desire for her? I know you're going to marriage counseling. Have either one of you been evaluated for depression? Have you been medically evaluated for performance anxiety or anything else that may be impeding your lack of libido?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Your a man! Grab a bottle of Viagra, grab your wife, and get your crunk on with her! Maybe she's waiting for you to step up and take the lead. To show her your the man! It just might surprise you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

My first thought when I saw your wife's age is that she's perimenopausal/menopausal. Is she? That can account for a lot of listlessness and aches and pains in some women.

My second thought is that you've both just lost your zest for life. I like alphaomega's advice, but agree with Daisy that depression may be clouding the issue.

Do you and your wife exercise at all? A daily walk outside together can do wonders for your frame of mind and is good for people who may be feeling down and out.

Wishing you the best.


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## Just Dave (Sep 13, 2011)

You have no passion left or just not for her?

I think that getting to the point where there is no sexual passion (period) left in a man is the idea place in a man's life. That's a huge chuck of conflict removed from one's life. Just think how much more productive a man could be without constantly thinking of or desiring sex. I could make a million dollars a month.

Does your wife cook, clean house and feed the dog? If so, then what are you squawking about. Enjoy man, enjoy.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I never want to get to that destination. Hearing a woman squeal is one of the finer pleasures in life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

JD,

I think it's a bit more complicated than that.

The very stuff that gives you the drive to make a million dollars a month is the same stuff that has you seeking sexual fulfillment.

You likely wouldn't have one drive without the other.




Just Dave said:


> You have no passion left or just not for her?
> 
> I think that getting to the point where there is no sexual passion (period) left in a man is the idea place in a man's life. That's a huge chuck of conflict removed from one's life. Just think how much more productive a man could be without constantly thinking of or desiring sex. I could make a million dollars a month.
> 
> Does your wife cook, clean house and feed the dog? If so, then what are you squawking about. Enjoy man, enjoy.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Just Dave said:


> I think that getting to the point where there is no sexual passion (period) left in a man is the idea place in a man's life. That's a huge chuck of conflict removed from one's life. Just think how much more productive a man could be without constantly thinking of or desiring sex. I could make a million dollars a month.


As an added benefit, my wife would be a lot happier too


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## Just Dave (Sep 13, 2011)

> my wife would be a lot happier too


Exactly. Everyone is happy. Our golf game would improve and we'd catch more fish.


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## Ben77 (Sep 16, 2011)

We do talk when we are together. Nothing too deep. "How was work today", "anything new in the neighborhood", sharing information about friends and aquaintances.


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## Ben77 (Sep 16, 2011)

No passion left for her. What's more exciting, playing on a golf course you've played 1,000 times before where there aren't many surprises left or a course you've never played before where every hole is a new adventure you've not experienced before?


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## Ben77 (Sep 16, 2011)

Medically speaking we are both fine. Hormones etc. all test fine. My libido is definitely not what it was at 20 but if the stimulation is right everything responds fine. I suppose mild depression may be a possibility although maybe a more elusive diagnosis. I personally feel anti depressants are grossly over prescribed in our country. We both exercise regularly and are probably above an average fitness level.


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## Ben77 (Sep 16, 2011)

Thanks so much to all who responded. I do appreciate your thoughts. This is a great forum!


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Ben.

It looks like you already made up your mind. Nothing wrong with that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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