# The hell of divorce



## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Hi everyone,

About this time last year I came home to find my soon to be ex-wife walked out on our marriage. The whole ordeal from start to finish has been bullpoop but alas, a blessing in disguise, as I see clearly now. 

I don't like linking to other threads (which I pray that one day the mods upgrade their site to allow deletion), so I will summarize everything here very very briefly:

-SHE made me an ultimatum to marry her or never see her again. I married her, of course, because I loved her. 

-The first few years, I thought were very good. 

-Her grandma died. She started becoming distant and unavailable. I got preoccupied with my shift work and grew increasingly careless of our relationship (she bartered my sexual and relationship needs on a daily basis and eventually I gave up trying to please her) 

-We talked about our problems before we bought a house. She said we could work on it yet she never showed any initiative. We bought the house.

-I found needles in the backyard when I was cleaning the place after moving in. I showed her. She freaked out.

-We FINALLY started trying to have kids (you see she had been FORCING me to use condoms the whole relationship). The two weeks where we making love everywhere were heaven. Then her aunt died. We got in a small argument about nothing really, and she left. Came back the next day from work and she was gone. Went from trying to have kids to no wife. 

-We communicated on and off since. Sometimes just as friends and other times we both got very emotional and aggressive in our texts. 

-She admitted to me in a series of emails, each about 7 pages long, how unhappy she was, how she loved the man before me who rejected her, and how she met someone and cheated on me during our relationship. She talked about all the petty things she was unhappy with me. The heartbreaking thing was that most of those things were simple habits I could have changed...But she NEVER ONCE talked about it. 

She said she came from an extremely broken home and was raped and abused and had an abortion (which finally explained the condom urgency). She used to come to me in tears some nights and I would try to console her, but it never worked. She never told me anything about her past and in the end because of that, I was never able to support her emotional needs. I never thought anyone could have done something like that to my baby.  

-Anyways, I was devasted, but I forgave her for everything. 

-She went on a trip to NY, and agreed to give it one more chance. She literally came back for 2 days. I made a list of conditions for her to agree to and outlined somethings for me to work on too (which didn't matter). The next day I made a wise crack about sex and she lost it. I came home that day and she was officially moved out.

-During this time, I spent over $3000 and pretty much all of my time during the summer doing landscaping in the backyard. It was really fun and a great learning experience.

-Then I find out she spent $17,000 on MY EMERGENCY LINE OF CREDIT. I stopped the account and now as part of the agreement, my cheque that I will write her will go to pay down that account. 

-Instead of a do it yourself divorce like she suggested, I got my own lawyer and he drafted an agreement up. It is extremely fair. Cost me about $2500 but he is amazing!

-Fast forward to recently. We met and talked about the agreement. She agreed. She said she quit her job and is moving out of province in two weeks. I worry a lot for her. She seems to be sabotaging her life. 

I had a couple panic attacks shortly after and I ended up texting her some sappy emotional garbage and since then she has stopped replying to me. I don't blame her. Despite the fact that I have taken lots of therapy, meditation courses and other training, she still obviously has many grudges against me. She has not forgiven me and probably never will. Whatever. I have come to accept, as my friends and family have told me many times, that she is a broken individual with narcasstic and parasitic tendencies. 

Fast forward to now. She already agreed to give me the house. I never supported her in the marriage and we have no kids. My offer is simple. I write a cheque that covers her original downpayment, legal fees and equity, it goes to the lawyer into a trust, and when she signs over the land title she gets the money deposited. We've already split our personal belongings. We aren't going after each others investments and pensions. 

I've checked all the legal implications of her moving out of province, and if she does, because she never filed a defense to my petition for divorce, I technically don't even have to write her a cheque. It defaults to me. The problem is that I don't know her new address and she will not tell me. I don't know what to do there, but I am not really worried. 

My life is great. I've met so many beautiful people since. I have next to no regrets, but lately, a combination of my basement flooding, and her unwillingness to finish what SHE started has made me very emotional and stressed. 

I guess I am not looking for guidelines or advice, but maybe things I could try to at least get her to be cooperative. Thanks for reading my story. That's 6 years in a nutshell. I am presently 25 and she is 31. We live in Canada.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

That sounds like a very hard road to have travelled - but I am glad you've met good people since and are otherwise sounding well.

I think your friends and family are right...you couldn't "fix" her, she sounds very broken (especially about intimacy) and probably has deep rooted trust issues as well.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Her childhood never let her mature emotionally.

She is wrecking her life so she can hook another guy

and call him a savior.... just like she did you.

It sounds like she has ran all her life, and will until the 

day she dies. You are still very young. My XW was seven

years older than me. I can relate to a degree.

You can't save her.... that's on her. She is punishing herself

through you. I sent my ex g/f of 22 months a "raw emotion"

letter at the request of my best female friend / IC. Yes

horrible move but it brought me out of my funk. I sort of knew 

it would. We all send sappy stuff sometimes, don't beat yourself

up. On dealing with her.... if she moves out of province, you save 

a great deal of cash. Since you don't know her address... assume 

she did move away and see what happens.


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Thanks folks. Open to any advice too.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

She will always despise you for "not being the one who could save her."
She will do this with many more men....and each will fare the same.

Until she faces her core fear...she is doomed to become either a junky or a crazy cat lady.

Work on your house. 
Houses never argue and they can be fixed to your liking.


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Thank you.

True words indeed.

Yesterday she sent me a nasty e-mail. She is still pointing fingers.

I replied as peacefully but affirmatively as possible and now I am content .


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

SamuraiJack said:


> She will always despise you for "not being the one who could save her."
> She will do this with many more men....and each will fare the same.
> 
> Until she faces her core fear...she is doomed to become either a junky or a crazy cat lady.
> ...


This really does hit the core of what is going on. Accept this, and it will help so much more in moving on. For the moment, you are convenient. In time, somebody else will be to blame.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

pragmaster said:


> Thank you.
> 
> True words indeed.
> 
> ...



No more replies to emails like that. Everytime you reply you engage her at her game. Which she will always win. 

Even a cordial reply to a nasty email is still a win for her. She knows you read it. Thus she got her babbling out to you. 

The more content she knows you are the more nasty she will get. Ignore her. Thank God you have no kids with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

jerry123 said:


> No more replies to emails like that. Everytime you reply you engage her at her game. Which she will always win.
> 
> Even a cordial reply to a nasty email is still a win for her. She knows you read it. Thus she got her babbling out to you.
> 
> ...


Even the smallest lapse will give her a way in.
You have to be resolute...always.


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

What do you mean, "a way in"? 

She's never coming back lol.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

A way back "in your head"

when she sends you an email, ignore it

when she flaps her yap, smile and say "I'm sorry you feel that way"


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Chuck71 said:


> A way back "in your head"
> 
> when she sends you an email, ignore it
> 
> when she flaps her yap, smile and say "I'm sorry you feel that way"


Yes
Conrad flashback.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

When Conrad died, his words became more powerful

I never spoke with him in my D but it was fast food, quick n easy

but I learned a ton when he helped GP, Group, Z... their deal was much more

complicated than mine


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

It sounds like she has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) to me. You aren't (and haven't) been dealing with someone emotionally healthy. She abandoned you before you could abandon her. 

Sounds like a borderline waif to me. Her background, her love bombs, her fear of engulfment. All textbook. 

BPDers seek out a certain match - usually someone with a white knight / hero complex to rescue, fix and save them. They cannot be saved and are very very destructive. I've lived it, changed from it and learned from it. 

Take a read: BORDERLINE WAIFS AND UNSUNG HEROES; Rescuing The Woman Who Doesn't Want To Be Saved.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

they make you their savior

put you on a pedestal 

and start to crack your perfection

and blame you for not being Jesus


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It doesn't really matter who points fingers. You both have a part in this, but how much is subject to interpretation.

You shouldn't have married her, you weren't ready to be married. Nothing wrong wit that, you were and still are a young guy. And maybe she resented that she had to force you. But she wasn't ready to be married either, so once again everything goes both ways.

From the perspective of someone a few years ahead of you, don't sweat this stuff. So it cost you money.....you got your life back. During my divorce my father told me to pay whatever it cost so I could get my life back. He was right. You'll make more money, you have your whole life ahead of you.

Stop responding to her, she has a lot of issues. Whatever your faults were with her you're not responsible for her issues and you can't fix them. Wish her well and stop responding. You're not going to make a good, fully engaged partner for someone else until you rid yourself of this nutjob.


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

As it is presently, I said my last words and that's it. Only other stuff to communicate is in relation to legal stuff and that can get done through our lawyers. I await an e-mail from her around May with what she might agree to, but at the end of the day, I have nothing more to say. She will try, I am sure, to say cruel things to tempt me, but now that I have said it all in my most clear minded and loving state, my intent will not be shattered. .

I absolutely hate ending relationships on bad notes (like most people). When I do, that's when I get depressed and feel drained. I noticed lately I am doing much much better and I attribute it 100% to that last email, which I ended it on a very mature and positive note. I have no regrets and now I am free. I am 100% accountable for my thoughts and feelings. I get upset when I realize I was the one who was a fool. Not this time!

I'm not one to ignore people, no matter what. I can't stand people who do that. It's a pet peeve of mine. Even a hobo. I'll tell him, no I do not want to give you change. Have some balls and respond. Unless it's a stalker or some weirdo or something, then yeah ignore away...but yeh. I can't stand people who ignore children you see, and the reality is we are all still children, but in our adult form.

But yeah, like you said, if she responds again literally all I will say is:"I am sorry you feel that way". Great answer!


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

and Wow. Thanks for that link. It's spot on.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Chuck71 said:


> they make you their savior
> 
> put you on a pedestal
> 
> ...


Thank goodness I'm my own...personal...Jesus...
:biggrinangelA:


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

SamuraiJack said:


> Thank goodness I'm my own...personal...Jesus...
> :biggrinangelA:


How Depeche Mode of you


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Reading this article on DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED? 
two misconceptions strike the core of me: 

-Being needed equals being loved: Yep. I find myself in bliss when I feel needed, even when I realize I am a medium between the earth and the Universe. 
-Busy-bodies are typically unable to distinguish between feelings and thoughts.: Yep. I find myself thinking everything or not thinking at all. Trouble with this. 

How can I work on these things without paying a therapist?


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Thinking vs. Feeling

Yep. I am thinker. Lol.


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Scrap that lol.

Based on this article, I seem to be split 50/50.

The Myers & Briggs Foundation - Thinking or Feeling

The pains of being a gemini.


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