# Wife wants separation for neighbor.



## devastatedinMA (May 22, 2013)

My wife asked for a separation on Monday night. I have been working extra hours at a second job because we have been saving money to by a home, the past couple of weeks she has been hanging out with the neighbor whom we are friends with while I'm at work so she isn't "bored". Well now she wants to separate because she and the neighbor have developed feelings for each other and instead of wanting to try to work on our marriage and get to the bottom of our problems, she has decided she would rather end nearly 6 years of marriage to try out a relationship for this guy that shes developed feelings for after hanging out alone a few times. She tells me now that she's been unhappy for a long time, that it feels like we are just best friends and roommate, she never said anything about this before, until this relationship with him started. I told her I didn't want a separation and I wanted to work on our marriage and maybe try a marriage counselor but she says she doesn't want to try, that our marriage is not savable. The other problem is we have a 18 month old son. She wants me to continue to stay in the house and for us to continue to live as a family because she loves our family. I think she just wants me to be here to help pay the bills and watch the baby while she's off with her new love interest. I really want to save our marriage because I love her a lot and I love our family and the life we have built together but I don't know where to start or if I should even bother trying. I'm miserable and confused. A few days ago I was happy, now I'm falling apart, I cant sleep, cant eat, and my chest hasnt stopped hurting since she told me, it is taking me everything I have to keep it together when at work. Any advice?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I would pack her stuff in garbage bags and send her to the neighbor's house and tell him she is all yours. Forget separation and file that might snap her out of the "fog."


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## devastatedinMA (May 22, 2013)

what makes it worse is this is an apartment building and he literally is the door next to ours. We are/were all friends in the building (four apartments in building). So not only is it the extra betrayal of a friend doing this but its just the embarrassment of the other people in the building finding out soon.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Interpret that as she is sleeping with the neighbor and likes it. She want's to separate so she can enjoy it without having to beat you home. 

I agree with Tom. File papers now. Even if you want to try and work on it file. The D process is a long one and if there is a chance for the two of you to work, you will find more than one opportunity along the way.


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## devastatedinMA (May 22, 2013)

Yeah I think part of me knows she just wants the separation to sleep with the neighbor without the guilt of an affair.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

devastatedinMA said:


> So not only is it the extra betrayal of a friend doing this but its just the embarrassment of the other people in the building finding out soon.


All the more reason to toss her **** and into the hall. Don't bring it to his apartment. Make them carry it. Give the neighbors lots of time to gawk at them doing a walk of shame to his place. When they ask you about it, let them know you were working your ass off to buy a home and she repaid you by sleeping with the neighbor and that you don't need that **** so he can pay for her skanky ass.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Acoa said:


> All the more reason to toss her **** and into the hall. Don't bring it to his apartment. Make them carry it. Give the neighbors lots of time to gawk at them doing a walk of shame to his place. When they ask you about it, let them know you were working your ass off to buy a home and she repaid you by sleeping with the neighbor and that you don't need that **** so he can pay for her skanky ass.


Expose this to family and friends and that's a good idea to let neighbors you are close with. They are both scum and she has a baby at home disgusting!


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## Peeps678 (May 21, 2013)

How long have you been married for? I agree with filing. Sometimes that's all it takes to get them to realize what they had and maybe she will want to fix things. Is this neighbor married or does he have a girlfriend? Maybe the dudes woman needs to find out too.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

devastatedinMA said:


> Yeah I think part of me knows she just wants the separation to sleep with the neighbor without the guilt of an affair.


Yes, that's what separation means. Notice she doesn't say she wants a divorce. That's because she's not completely, totally sure she wants to be with the neighbor permanently. But she does want a trial period with you as the backup plan if the neighbor boyfriend doesn't quite work out.

Edit: I forgot to say, but you need to file right now. She's in a deluded fog and needs to face the reality that you're not going to be the backup plan. Be the guy that won't share your wife with another man. At the very least, your wife will respect that. Your attitude and mindset should be that you're better than being a plan B.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

The Healing Heart: The 180

File. Separate your money from hers.

Tell her if she no longer wants to be in a committed marriage she can leave now.


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## devastatedinMA (May 22, 2013)

It would have been 6 years in October, though we've known each other since we were kids, she was my sister's best friend since middle school. The neighbor has no girlfriend or wife, but I should have known I counldn't trust him as he was cheating on his previous girlfriend with a married women at work!


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

And by ALL means do not try to talk your way out of this.

Do not talk. Act.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

devastatedinMA said:


> It would have been 6 years in October, though we've known each other since we were kids, she was my sister's best friend since middle school. The neighbor has no girlfriend or wife, but I should have known I counldn't trust him as he was cheating on his previous girlfriend with a married women at work!


More than likely this fling will not last either because one will cheat on the other it's a relationship based on lies. Start exposing you have nothing to be ashamed of.


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## eric415 (Feb 11, 2013)

Why would you want a woman that is willing to throw you away so easily? Obviously she doesn't take you seriously as she thinks you would allow her to live at home while having a relationship with your neighbor. Unbelievable. She's got some big balls.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

tom67 said:


> More than likely this fling will not last either because one will cheat on the other it's a relationship based on lies. Start exposing you have nothing to be ashamed of.


Maybe in your building lobby you can put up a sign: MY WIFE IS CHEATING ON ME WITH THE NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR.

No, I'm not joking.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

ReGroup said:


> And by ALL means do not try to talk your way out of this.
> 
> Do not talk. Act.


The sooner you start doing these things the sooner you'll begin to feel better - physically and emotionally. You will also increase your odds at getting what you want - whatever that may be.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Tom is all over this with spot on advice.

Pack her sh*t. Let her move next door.

He can take care of her.

Have her served immediately.

I understand you want to separate but
I want a divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

She says she doesn't want to try and that your marriage is not saveable? Ok then, then tell her she can go sleep over at her neighbor's from now on because your filing for a D.

Tell her to move out.

Your wife sounds extremely immature.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

More advice: Even though you're understandably devastated and shaken by this, you have to get yourself together and be a solid, firm, unshakable guy that will not tolerate another man involved with your marriage. 

Right now your wife is comparing you and him. He's new and exciting (because he's new, not because there's anything special about him) Being with you is not the same as the new guy, like when you just start to date someone. So she's deluded to thinking he's great because she gets the first date brain chemicals flowing. 

The last thing you want to do is become a groveling, begging, pleading, needy guy which isn't attractive to women. It's just the way they're hardwired. They dig confidence and guys that appear to be able to attract other chicks. That's why you have to have the demeanor of no tolerance. Be calm, yet firm. Think of Clint Eastwood in those old westerns or Sean Connery or Daniel Craig as 007. They never got rattled or shaken.(or stirred-pardon the pun) They were always decisive and strong. And I don't even have to mention how much the girls love those kind of guys. Good luck!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

devastatedinMA said:


> It would have been 6 years in October, though we've known each other since we were kids, she was my sister's best friend since middle school. The neighbor has no girlfriend or wife, but I should have known I counldn't trust him as he was cheating on his previous girlfriend with a married women at work!


She will find out this guy is just a player.


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## devastatedinMA (May 22, 2013)

ReGroup that just made me smile, thank you!


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Cubby said:


> It's just the way they're hardwired. They dig confidence and guys that appear to be able to attract other chicks. That's why you have to have the demeanor of no tolerance. Be calm, yet firm.


Absolutely.

Take Tom's advise, implement it and you'll be that guy that Cubby describes.


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## devastatedinMA (May 22, 2013)

I will try my best to get myself together, I guess I should start with trying to eat and sleep again. I'll start a google search for local lawyers and get a consultation.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

No sleep ... I remember those days.

I hated the puking every time I ate.

No sleep means go see a doctor. I had to. 

People aren't meant to withstand this kind of shock.


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## devastatedinMA (May 22, 2013)

a therapist?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

devastatedinMA said:


> a therapist?


Individual counseling for you.

Where does he work?

Does he have family?

Where are your wife's parents? Friends? Family?

Does your wife have a job?


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

So, she wants to leave you for the neighbor, but wants to stay because she loves her family.....? :scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:


I'm with the collective majority. Take your personal power back and drop her like a bad habit. She didn't bother telling you that she was "unhappy" until it was convenient for her to justify her actions.

She can't have her cake and eat it, too. At this point in time, she is no longer your friend.

A friend wouldn't do to you what she is doing to you right now.


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## devastatedinMA (May 22, 2013)

He works at some manufacturing plant down the road, he lives with his dad, my wife's family all live about an hour away, most of our friends are mutual, she does have a job.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

devastatedinMA said:


> He works at some manufacturing plant down the road, he lives with his dad, my wife's family all live about an hour away, most of our friends are mutual, she does have a job.


Expose their behavior to everyone in contact with them.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

As a woman I don't always agree with the macho stuff I see on this site but in this case your wife has real nerve. She's basically asking for an open marriage where you stick around, pay bills, and babysit while she does playaboy. Some nerve.....keep your dignity and throw her out, and when loverboy turns out not to be so great, and it WILL happen, think long and hard about whether you want her back. She's now shown you who she really is, trash that doesn't even have the decency to just file for divorce if she's unhappy with you, but wants you to stay on hold for her. Not many people will openly admit they want you to be plan B, and she did. Please accept what she's telling you about her character.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> As a woman I don't always agree with the macho stuff I see on this site but in this case your wife has real nerve. She's basically asking for an open marriage where you stick around, pay bills, and babysit while she does playaboy. Some nerve.....keep your dignity and throw her out, and when loverboy turns out not to be so great, and it WILL happen, think long and hard about whether you want her back. She's now shown you who she really is, trash that doesn't even have the decency to just file for divorce if she's unhappy with you, but wants you to stay on hold for her. Not many people will openly admit they want you to be plan B, and she did. Please accept what she's telling you about her character.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:Loverboy lives with his dad? Boy there's a real future.


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## devastatedinMA (May 22, 2013)

I know right, lives with his dad cause he lost his house and all his savings on his former drug habit, former heroin addict, only been clean for a year maybe, lets see how that works out.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

devastatedinMA said:


> I know right, lives with his dad cause he lost his house and all his savings on his former drug habit, former heroin addict, only been clean for a year maybe, lets see how that works out.


Expose them.

Expose those details about him also.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Expose them.
> 
> Expose those details about him also.


Start calling her family today.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

FILE NOW

Tell her that since she broke the marital vows, SHE must leave the marital home

Cancel all joint credit cards or have her name removed from them. If the cell phone account is in your name, cancel her phone

Tomorrow go to the bank and move half the money in any joint accounts to accounts that only have your name on them. Also remember to have your paycheck (if it's deposited to a joint account) re-directed to one of the accounts with only your name on it.

If she has a car, cancel the insurance for it and let her know it's now her responsibility to get get her own policy. Same with the car payments if there are any.

Let her find out what being single really means

Also set up at least a temporary custody schedule. Let her move in with the POS OM and see how he does with a small child underfoot for 3 or 4 days a week. That ought knock him for a loop!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

What makes you think she's not already sleeping with him and has been for along time?

It doesn't make sense otherwise.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Toffer said:


> FILE NOW
> 
> Tell her that since she broke the marital vows, SHE must leave the marital home
> 
> ...


Keep in mind that if you do this, and you should, OM might back out right now. He's probably figuring he just gets free sex out of this, not the responsibility of your wife and a small child (at least part time). If that happens she'll decide she made a mistake and want to "work on the marriage". You really should think about whether you still want her, and understand that you'll be out when the next opportunity comes along. Not a good way to live.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

Toffer said:


> If she has a car, cancel the insurance for it and let her know it's now her responsibility to get get her own policy. Same with the car payments if there are any.


If the car is in your name, sell it.


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## devastatedinMA (May 22, 2013)

car is in my sisters name cause she couldnt get a loan in hers


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Go get'em, man. Not a person alive who would do different. 

I would definitely have your back. The way she is treating you is deplorable.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

devastatedinMA said:


> car is in my sisters name cause she couldnt get a loan in hers


Then have your sister sell it.

The quicker you knock her feet out from under her--make her feel like her world is crumbling around her--the quicker she will wake up and come to her senses.

That means playing hardball.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

devastatedinMA said:


> car is in my sisters name cause she couldnt get a loan in hers


Sell it today.

In fact, dump it.

Take it to a car lot and have it be gone while she's over banging him.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

devastated, this is an opportunity to show her that you're a man who takes swift, decisive action while her boyfriend lives with his dad and is a former drug addict. 

The question is, do you even want her back?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

devastatedinMA said:


> Yeah I think part of me knows she just wants the separation to sleep with the neighbor without the guilt of an affair.


She knows him for more than a few weeks. they are already sleeping together. Kick her out and file for divorce. Don't agree for separation. Inform friends and family that she is cheating with the neighbor. cut off all the money. I'll bet a months pay that this was happening much longer and you don't know 10 % of the truth. Anger will be your friend. Don't cry, beg or try to nice her oput of this


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

I'm with Conrad. The time for playing nice is long over.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> She knows him for more than a few weeks. they are already sleeping together. Kick her out and file for divorce. Don't agree for separation. Inform friends and family that she is cheating with the neighbor. cut off all the money. I'll bet a months pay that this was happening much longer and you don't know 10 % of the truth. Anger will be your friend. Don't cry, beg or try to nice her oput of this


:iagree:

Time to go all Shock & Awe on her azz


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

devastatedinMA said:


> I know right, lives with his dad cause he lost his house and all his savings on his former drug habit, former heroin addict, only been clean for a year maybe, lets see how that works out.


where do women find these gems..

get tested for STDs


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> *where do women find these gems..*
> 
> get tested for STDs


I always think the same thing....is it that these "gems" have such low character that they're more likely to go after married women?


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Birds of a feather tend to flock together.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Assume she's already been having sex with him, she wouldn't be doing this if she hadn't already taking him for a couple of spins in bed to try him out.

Dump her stuff in front of his door , remove all lingerie and sexy crap. That you put in the dumpster.

Inform her, the child stays in your home, it's only her that goes.

Gett on the phone and start telling friends and family, and name the guy she's cheating with.

It may sound like you are driving her away by doing these things, instead you are standing up to her and it may shock her out of her affair fog.

Post the OM on cheaterville.com


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Assume she's already been having sex with him, she wouldn't be doing this if she hadn't already taking him for a couple of spins in bed to try him out.
> 
> Dump her stuff in front of his door , remove all lingerie and sexy crap. That you put in the dumpster.
> 
> ...


Boom. Like that.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

And why would you want to stay with a woman like this? Someone who care sh!t all about her baby and husband? Someone who can give up the marriage and family for sex so easily?

You may want to consider that she's not really into you, probably because she's your sister's friend since way back when and the familiarity over the years. she may somewhere in her head think of you as a "brother". You're now the good old standby/backup while she's exploring the strange.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

devastatedinMA said:


> He works at some manufacturing plant down the road, *he lives with his dad*, my wife's family all live about an hour away, most of our friends are mutual, she does have a job.





devastatedinMA said:


> what makes it worse is* this is an apartment building and he literally is the door next to ours.* We are/were all friends in the building (four apartments in building). So not only is it the extra betrayal of a friend doing this but its just the embarrassment of the other people in the building finding out soon.





devastatedinMA said:


> I know right, *lives with his dad *cause he lost his house and all his savings on his former drug habit, former heroin addict, only been clean for a year maybe, lets see how that works out.



So, her lover lives in the apartment next door with his father?

What's his father doing about all this?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

aug said:


> So, her lover lives in the apartment next door with his father?
> 
> What's his father doing about all this?


Just picked up on this...

Embarrassment in front of all the other people in the building?

THEY are the ones that will be embarrassed.

EXPOSE them immediately.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

You have a prime sitch there, Steve...prime material. 

This is an opportunity. Seize it.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

I wonder if your wife is picking up her boyfriend's drug habit? A scary thought...


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Private Message (PM) one of the moderators like Halien or ChrisH and have this thread moved to Coping With Infidelity. Lots of good advice and support there.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

They say on here "in order to save your marriage you need to lose it"...and you have been asked...you even want her back? 

Irreguardless for now...you 'need' to take the advice here...immediately...you 'will' regret it if you don't...you need to play hard ball...and I mean hard...bags packed...out in the hall in front of the door next door ...FILE FOR DIVORCE! ...'expose' her to all... etc etc... kick her to the curb...money, credit cards...etc...everything these guys said you need to do...dude... now...


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Rock Solid advice you're getting here, Dev. Now you just need to act on it.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I hope you take the advice you have gotten here. When you do, it will almost certainly expose this ********* for who he is. If your wife is the stubborn type, she might try to stick it out to 'show' in order to not be wrong. But more likely she will crawl back to you, claiming what a mistake she made, big ole crocodile tears asking you to forgive her and work on the marriage.

As others have stated, based on her actions here, I'd say her character is exposed. She is likely the type to hurt you again. I would not get back together with her.

If you are the charitable type and feel giving her another chance (not the best idea). Test her resolve. Work with your lawyer and put together a very one sided post nuptial agreement. Make it such that if she leaves you for any reason, cheats on you, gets hooked on drugs or commits a felony, she forfeits any claim to the marital property. If she refuses to sign such a thing, she isn't really into you and you should bail.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

She's willing to leave the relationship but not the comfort it provides.

This isn't a "fog". This is her true colors. 

Steve, I know that this advice may be hurtful to read, but we on the outside can clearly see by what you've told us, that she has zero respect for anybody, let alone herself. You deserve better.


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

You need to get tested for STD's immediately.

The recidivisim rate for Heroin users is also very high - if your STBXW is still hooked up with this loser you need to be prepared to demand full custody.

I have thought some on TAM are too quick to recommend divorce - this is not one of those times. 

Divorce her now.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Talk to your lawyer about a morals clause that prevents the drug user from being around your child.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

DevastatedinMA, give us an update...


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Keeping my fingers crossed that OP is in the midst of pulling the trigger on the marriage and getting ready for the battle ahead.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

She's already sleeping with him. She's using you as her bank account. 

I'm really sorry. I've been there. I paid all the bills while I put the baby into daycare, so my ex h could sleep with other women. I filed for divorce and he tried to contest even though he had his on the side girlfriend move in 3 days after I left. This gf of his knew we were married and just had a baby together. My ex h feels entitled to sleep with as many women that are willing married or not. He married that gf he was having an affair with on me. He continues to cheat and had has several affairs on her that I know of. Apparently his wife is aware of them too.

Don't stay with your wife, she doesn't love you at all.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Stella Moon said:


> DevastatedinMA, give us an update...


Quite often, when they go silent, they never return.


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

He needs to expose to her family so they are aware of the danger thier child is in; I don't think I'm being alarmist here since the POSOM is a dirtbag ex-junkie.

Her family needs to be in loop so they can hopefully monitor the childs wellbeing when the mother has him.


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