# Everything changed after we married.



## usmarine (Feb 15, 2013)

Hello folks. Here is my story. I met my wife when she was pregnant. Her ex boyfriend didnt want the child and he just dissapeared. So after the baby was born, we got together.I stepped in as a father and I don't regret it. Before marriage, everything was great. We were both very loving, and we tended our other's needs. Sexual, emotional and all other aspects. We had sex at least 3 times a week, given the fact that I was an active duty Marine working night shift and my duty station was hour and a half away. I spent all my spare time with her and we had so much fun together and also with her family. My retirement came and with it marriage. Right now I am a full time student, we have a nice apartment.Our child, because consider it my own, has everything it needs plus everything I can. Since I have a good military pension, I pay all the bills and my wife doesnt work. She just stays at home taking care of the child. She has everything she wants. But, sadly everything changed. Everyday she is farther away from me. I don't feel loved no more. I am not perfect but I try damn hard to be a good husband and daddy. I try to be as I was when we were boyfriend and girlfriend, but she just rejects me in different ways. One day I asker her if she was happy, she said yes, very happy. I responded that I wasnt because I didnt felt loved. I explained the reasons. She said that we were not in the cutie stage of our marriage... two months into it. Thats ridiculous. To this day anything hasnt changed. My sexual life is horrible. She just don't want to have sex. 99.9% of the times i get rejected or she finds the way to get away from it. I told her that we needed to have sex more often, to keep our bonds together and she responded that we didnt need sex to have a married couple bond. Before marriage, she loved sex and was more than willing to satisfy my sexual needs. Needless to say, yesterday was valentines. I gave her a lot of pretty things, accompanied by my usual sweetness. Before bed I asked if she wanted to make love. She thought for a minute, like if she was looking for a excuse, and finally said something "bad " that i did earlier. What i did wrong was to have a talk with one of my few friends on a new pistol that i saw. Needless to say, that was the end of valentines day love making. 

Im not trying to say that I am the perfect husband. I know I make mistakes. I try to be an amazing husband but she doesnt seem to respond the same way. The only thing she does in the house is make dinner. I leave for school, wich is my work since I get paid for it, early in the morning. She never makes me breakfast or lunch. The house is messy and if im not here, nothing gets done. When I get back from school, she pawns the child on me and wants me to do all the stuff she could have done during the day. But I guess she was too busy watching tv. I think is sad that I have to end up pleasing myself everyday because she doesnt seem to care for my sexual needs. I am seriously thinking that she is a person that only wants to tend her feelings and needs. Only she needs to be happy and screw the others. 

To close things up, she knows that I am not happy living like this, but apparently she doesnt care. I, the "hard Marine" certainly don't know what to do...


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

First...thank you for your service, man.

Understand that you stepped in as a literal knight in shining armor to this girl and that is quite admirable in my opinion. It sounds like you had good sex BEFORE marriage and now nothing. Sorry, but there is no excuse no matter what some might say about it. 

You work all day and she stays at home. While I understand that being a stay at home parent can be demanding, I can say that there is no reason that you don't get breakfast or have lunch made or that the house is a wreck. I can say this because I work from home and my wife is a teacher. I get the kids ready for school and make lunches and have the house in order when she gets home from work. 

Your wife sounds very selfish and that is a big red flag to me. The big red flag is...who is she giving the attention you deserve to? Hate to bring that up, but it's a reality in these situations more often than not.

Sorry you're here asking for help, man.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Why did the father of the child leave?

Is it possible that she was just putting up a front to land you (a military guy with a steady lifetime income)? If so, having you be gone all the time was a bonus, and now she put off by you being around.

Given the likelihood that she would rather end the marriage, what are you looking for with respect to the child? This is critical because, even though you are not the father, you could be considered a pseudo-parent and maybe be liable for support.

Especially in your case, see a lawyer and figure out what you want to do before you act. You might need to change the way you conduct yourself and start backing away from caring for the child if you want out of the marriage. Alternatively, you might want to agree to formally assume responsibility and get parental rights.

Best of luck to you!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

usmarine said:


> I met my wife when she was pregnant. Her ex boyfriend didnt want the child and he just dissapeared.


So, your wife understood the burden she was facing and was motivated to find a sucker, er sorry, man, to help shoulder her burden.



usmarine said:


> My retirement came and with it marriage. ... But, sadly everything changed. Everyday she is farther away from me. I don't feel loved no more.


So, as soon as you legally committed to care for her and her child, she lost interest in trying to entice you. That makes sense. Do you bait the hook after the fish is caught?



usmarine said:


> She said that we were not in the cutie stage of our marriage... two months into it. Thats ridiculous.


You're correct. What is equally ridiculous is trying to debate a woman into having sex with you. That's never worked.



usmarine said:


> I told her that we needed to have sex more often, to keep our bonds together and she responded that we didnt need sex to have a married couple bond.


She's right. It's called "joint checking account."



usmarine said:


> Before bed I asked if she wanted to make love. She thought for a minute, like if she was looking for a excuse, and finally said something "bad " that i did earlier. What i did wrong was to have a talk with one of my few friends on a new pistol that i saw. Needless to say, that was the end of valentines day love making.


:lol: Classic. OK. Just know that I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing with you.

So, you are at the stage of the breakdown of your relationship where your wife isn't even trying to hide her contempt for you. She just thinks for a while, throws something out there, and rejects you again. Many of us have been there and done that. It's not that unusual for someone in your situation.



usmarine said:


> The only thing she does in the house is make dinner. ... When I get back from school, she pawns the child on me and wants me to do all the stuff she could have done during the day.


And I'm guessing you go ahead and do it all, right? That's also ridiculous.



usmarine said:


> I am seriously thinking that she is a person that only wants to tend her feelings and needs.


You're thinking that? What was your first clue? 



usmarine said:


> To close things up, she knows that I am not happy living like this, but apparently she doesnt care. I, the "hard Marine" certainly don't know what to do...


You need to change yourself. Up to this point, you have acted like a doormat and you're upset that she walks all over you. That's not her fault. It's yours. If you lead with your chin, you're going to get hit. So stop it.

I think the two likeliest possibilities for your scenario is that:
1) Your wife was never very attracted to you, or at least she lost her attraction before your wedding, but she went ahead and married you because you were the doormat provider she was looking for.
2) Your wife was attracted to you, but around the time of your wedding, she met someone else and is now focused on him.

I think the first scenario is more likely. But, you need to rule out #2. So start investigating her. Check her phone records, Facebook, and email activity. If something suspicious pops up, go ahead and put a voice-activated recorder (VAR) where she will make phone calls in private (bedroom or car, usually). Also, put keylogger software on her PC to record activity there that she may be deleting, or by using a separate account.

If you can rule out an affair, then you just need to stand up for yourself. Stop doing her chores. Stop giving her money. Take away the things she cares about until she starts carrying her own weight. She needs to believe that her choices are to be a mature adult in a sexual marriage, or to be a single mother without a sugar daddy to take care of her. That kind of clarity can be very motivating for a woman.

Go to Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. and run the Marriage Action Plan (MAP) to make yourself more attractive.

Good luck.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

This reeks of nice guy syndrome. Stop trying to earn affection and sex by being a doormat. Why should she do what you ask? She's getting what she wants already. You need to have "the talk" with her.

"Sex & affection are a requirement for me to be happy in a marriage. There are only two options. We have a healthy sex life and you start being an attentive and affectionate wife starting right now. Or we call off the marriage because I am not willing to have a marriage in which I am unhappy. You need to make this decision RIGHT NOW and commit to it."

Semper Fi, Devil Dog.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Bait and switch!!!!

She set you up, hook, line and sinker.

Once you married her, with her ex's child, her true colors came out. She doesn't clean up house, no cooking you meals, doesn't work, you pay for everything, you do the chores and cook, no sex after 2 months, a kids that's not your own, wow, you were hung out to dry.

Is she seeing for ex??? Affair, EA, sexting?

Once I had "the talk" with my wife, she finally got it and instead of sex 1 - 2x month, now its realistically 1 -3x per week. She still never initiates though. I do most of the chores and clean and tidy up our place, etc. But she does work full time like myself.

Bait and switch my friend.....


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Drover said:


> This reeks of nice guy syndrome. Stop trying to earn affection and sex by being a doormat. Why should she do what you ask? She's getting what she wants already. You need to have "the talk" with her.
> 
> "Sex & affection are a requirement for me to be happy in a marriage. There are only two options. We have a healthy sex life and you start being an attentive and affectionate wife starting right now. Or we call off ..he marriage because I am not willing to have a marriage in which I am unhappy. You need to make this decision RIGHT NOW and commit to it."


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

First thanks for your service. 

Is she younge than you are?

The first thing I thought was.... You been had!! 

What a fine man you are. I don't know what to say. I know you love her but I think that you have to shake your confusion and accept what might be very painful. 

She might not have been sincere with you. You came in and saved her from single motherhood. Now she not a single mother but not a wife. You are giving a lot more than you are getting. 

Give your marriage a set amount of time to turn around. Pull out all of the stops to get to the bottom of what is going on. 

Make sure there is no OM, get MC and look into your legal rights. She should get a job because she will need it if she has gamed you. 

What ever you do make sure that she does not get pregnant. I am so sorry this has happened.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Bait...and...Switch(TM)

Get..out...NOW!(R)

Seriously..


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Marine, welcome aboard and thank you for your service!

To fix your marriage you have to fix yourself and become the leader in the relationship. You cannot change her, you can only provide the opportunity for her to join in.

Read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy by R. Glover and go visit the forums at No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group - Powered by vBulletin for support.

There are a ton of other books which should go on your list but that is where I think you should start.

Make your life what you want, and invite her to join in. Don't make this about fixing the marriage and don't make it about somehow convincing her to become the wife you want.

The basics for starters are to detach from expectations. Don't do stuff hoping for sex. Do stuff because it needs to be done (fixing the car) or because you want to do it. If you want to give your wife a gift, give it to her. But don't expect anything in return. Nothing.

Stop asking for approval. Don't ask where she wants to go for dinner, tell her where you are taking her. Don't ask which movie she wants to rent, you go stalk and kill a movie at the Red Box or Blockbuster and drag it home to the cave. If you tell her things you are going to do, stop. Don't tell her you're going upstairs to take a shower, just go take the shower. The telling can come across as either asking for her approval to do it or it can seem like you are trying to impress her.

Stop asking for sex. You can tell her you want to bang her. You can close the bedroom door and silently start undressing her. Just never ask her for prior permission ever again. If she says no, go do something else for yourself. Go to sleep, go fix the car, etc. Your world didn't end so don't act like it in front of her. Take away the power of her lady parts!

Take charge of things around the home which bother you. Don't let her run things in a way you hate. If an area needs to be cleaned out, do it. If you would prefer the couch be in a different place, move it. Establish some territory and control. Do it for yourself.

Be sure you're eating healthy and getting good exercise. Spend time with your male friends. Take time for your own personal life and hobbies.

It sounds trite but it is true. The bad sex is only a symptom. When you're not getting good frequent sex it indeed is a problem, but it is not the root cause. Get yourself straightened out and then you'll see clearly what kind of marriage you do or do not have.


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## Sweetmaya (Feb 14, 2013)

I also want to thank you for your service!

I am wondering if she fell in love with the uniform and when the uniform left, so was her attraction to you. Some woman are all about the military housing, Base lifestyle, travel, her husband being gone some times... so now that you are a student that turned her off...

Or, like everybody is responding, sounds like she got you and now that you are taking care of her and her child, she can't help showing you how much she DOESN'T like you, love you or find you attractive. 

The one thing I would counsel is PLEASE do not bring another child into this relationship until your marriage is stable.

My heart goes out to you...


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

john_lord_b3 said:


> Bait...and...Switch(TM)
> 
> Get..out...NOW!(R)
> 
> Seriously..



:iagree::iagree:


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Only thing I could ask is whether she is nursing because that causes a drop in libido.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

A couple of things I noticed:

"She just stays at home taking care of the child." - As if that isn't a job in itself.

"she pawns the child on me" - Really... "pawns".

"...and wants me to do all the stuff she could have done during the day" - So it's not like she hands the baby off to you and sits in front of the TV, right? She took care of the baby all day and then does housework when you get home.

I'm not sure whether it's your attitude or understanding what it takes to take care of a kid during the day that contributes to this problem. Maybe she's picking up on the attitude.

Lack of sex is a symptom of something wrong in the marriage... usually someone's needs aren't being met. Doesn't matter whose needs weren't met, the goal is to get back on track. (And by "needs", I don't necessarily mean bringing home a paycheck and buying nice things).

Figure out what her needs are, meet them, confirm they are being met and then tell her that your need for a fulfilling, intimate, sexual relationship are not being met and it's up to her, barring mental or physical issues, to figure out how to meet them. And unless they are met, the marriage can't work.

But check your attitude before going further.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Some details here: 
How long did you date her before marrying her?
How old is the baby?
Did she work before you married her?

Something is, of course, not quite right. Now you and decide that he'sa user, a bait and switcher, selfish and other negative things. Or you can take the attitude that marriage takes adjustments and you will do what is need to lead your family (and wife) into the passionate marriage that you want.

To start this get the books linked to below and work through the things they say to do. If you can get her to work with you, more power to you.

Start with "His Needs, Her Needs", then go to "Love Busters".

Tell her that you will not stay in a marriage where there is no passion. That if she wants you to stay that you an both work together and learn how to structure your marriage to make both of you happy. Give the marriage all you got for 6 months. If it does not improve, accept that you made a mistake and leave.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> "She just stays at home taking care of the child." - As if that isn't a job in itself.


It is a job. An easy job.



Chris Taylor said:


> "...and wants me to do all the stuff she could have done during the day" - So it's not like she hands the baby off to you and sits in front of the TV, right? She took care of the baby all day and then does housework when you get home.


Read it again. He said, "...and wants *me* to do all the stuff she could have done during the day." That sounds like she's not doing housework during the day, or after he gets home.



Chris Taylor said:


> Figure out what her needs are, meet them, confirm they are being met and then tell her that your need for a fulfilling, intimate, sexual relationship are not being met and it's up to her, barring mental or physical issues, to figure out how to meet them. And unless they are met, the marriage can't work.


I agree here, unless her needs are unreasonable.



Chris Taylor said:


> But check your attitude before going further.


:scratchhead: I think you're the one with the lousy attitude. I've taken care of a baby before. It's not a heroic task worthy of legend. Stick a bottle in his mouth (if she's breastfeeding, she may not even have to go to the trouble of preparing a bottle), change his diaper, and put him down for a nap. Wait a couple of hours and repeat. There's plenty of time in that schedule to vacuum or throw something in the oven.

Now, there could be extenuating circumstances. If the child is special needs, then the difficulty goes up. And even normal children are bears on some days. Everybody has a bad day at work. Even people with easy jobs. But using a child as an excuse to shirk one's other responsibilities is unacceptable.


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## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

This woman is obviously not being forthright and is hiding what is really at issue.You really need to find out what is going on with this women before you take the next step.I know when I was in the marines there was a lot of mischief going on with marriages.Does she have past mental issues?Depression?In any case you need to make it clear to her your not going to live this way and be stern about it. You really need to get to the root of this whole thing either by her being forthcoming or marriage counseling.As a last resort prepare for divorce and file I had a wife who was loveless also-don't prolong the agony.Semper Fi


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Sweetmaya said:


> I also want to thank you for your service!
> 
> I am wondering if she fell in love with the uniform and when the uniform left, so was her attraction to you. Some woman are all about the military housing, Base lifestyle, travel, her husband being gone some times... so now that you are a student that turned her off...
> 
> ...



And don't adopt this one.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Cut off the money. That wakes someone up incredibly fast. Since YOU are supposedly doing all the chores around the house, YOU can go do th grocery shopping (added bonus: you get the foods YOU like, not what she wants to prepare)

Right now, she's in a almost cost free marriage: She need make no contribution to get what she wants (basic needs met). 

No more acts of service. I repeat NO MORE ACTS OF SERVICE.

Do NOT do anything for her and read the 180.

I don't care how cute the kid is; he comes with a DEFINITE negative in your wife.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

MARINE i also want to thank you for your service you are getting great advice so i wont give mine AGAIN THANK YOU!!!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> A couple of things I noticed:
> 
> "She just stays at home taking care of the child." - As if that isn't a job in itself.
> 
> ...


Chris I would agree with you if the change were not so abrupt.

He may have the common lack of understanding of what it takes to care for a child because he has never done it. 

I think he should be cautious about trying to solve the problem by doing more from his end. I think they should both work on the relationship. It she is not willing to work as hard as he then things will never get better. 

He is not more responsible than she. Perhaps his attitude contributes to the problems but i dont think it occured in a vacuum.


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## usmarine (Feb 15, 2013)

Thanks for all the replies. I have a quick update. After giving the situation some thought, and after trying again to talk to her, I found out what was wrong. Apparently I was being a douche bag with her. According to her, I didnt respect her, I was also a bad husband and a bad father. Honestly, I don't think I was doing what she said but changed it regardless. She changed her no affection attitude too. Everything started to look better but there is still no sex. She is never in the mood, something hurts or she is tired. As a man, you believe those things for some time until it gets old. She was not like that. So I am aware that there is something wrong for her to be like that. I make sure to ask her from time to time how am i doing as a husband, to which she replies that I am doing great as a husband and father. Just like a time bomb, yesterday she finally said that she is not happy, but she doesnt know why. Honestly, I am a man that has seen and heard a lot thru my life, and i have heard that before. It is very difficult to believe that my wife doesnt know why she is not happy. Intold her that I believe thats the reason why she doesnt have sex drive amd of course she dismissed my comment. I am seriously thinking that there is something very wrong in her mind. Comments welcome, specially the opinion of women about this troubling issue, maybe I will understand.

Semper Fi.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

So, nothing's changed? Go back to the beginning of the thread and read the posts. They are still applicable. Any time you want to stop being a sucker, you're free to man up.

Good luck.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Good God it is time to end this sham of a marriage then. Why would you stay?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

usmarine said:


> Thanks for all the replies. I have a quick update. After giving the situation some thought, and after trying again to talk to her, I found out what was wrong. Apparently I was being a douche bag with her. According to her, I didnt respect her, I was also a bad husband and a bad father. Honestly, I don't think I was doing what she said but changed it regardless. She changed her no affection attitude too. Everything started to look better but there is still no sex. She is never in the mood, something hurts or she is tired. As a man, you believe those things for some time until it gets old. She was not like that. So I am aware that there is something wrong for her to be like that. I make sure to ask her from time to time how am i doing as a husband, to which she replies that I am doing great as a husband and father. Just like a time bomb, yesterday she finally said that she is not happy, but she doesnt know why. Honestly, I am a man that has seen and heard a lot thru my life, and i have heard that before. It is very difficult to believe that my wife doesnt know why she is not happy. Intold her that I believe thats the reason why she doesnt have sex drive amd of course she dismissed my comment. I am seriously thinking that there is something very wrong in her mind. Comments welcome, specially the opinion of women about this troubling issue, maybe I will understand.
> 
> Semper Fi.


OP here's the deal .

You have to accept for now she is not into you sexually.

Here is the kicker... she MAY NOT KNOW WHY (This is REAL)

Honestly, that is the deal with women I know that from my ordeal with my own wife.

Part of it is your attitude (Be nicer/fun) part of it is what you said to her in the past or what you did in the past.

I would set a hard beginning to healing.... then in your mind have a time frame and work the issue.

To set a hard beginning you apologize for everything and make her cry... write a letter and sit next to her and read it aloud.

I AM NOT saying this is all your fault... what I am saying is CREATE a beginning to working on the unacceptable marriage issue.

After that stop talking about it for six months at least and be a better man in term of being a husband to her.

Good Luck... in the meantime correct your wife when she displeases you outside of the bedroom... what you do when you aren't discussing sex is working on the marital dynamics which are now skewed in your marriage.

You can do it Marine!
There is no quick fix.. we are talking about a woman's mind.

I will post my entire plan with details once I achieve the results I need of proof it works. Keep an eye out in the following months.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> "...and wants me to do all the stuff she could have done during the day" - So it's not like she hands the baby off to you and sits in front of the TV, right? She took care of the baby all day and then does housework when you get home.


Reread the above again. She hands over her child and still expects him to do the work she did not do.

Yes, child rearing is a job. Yet for decades, large numbers of women did it while still doing other things around the house. I see no reason why women (or men) of today can't do at least some tasks while caring for their child. It baffles me that expecting her to do something else is beyond the pale.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Her name isnt Joy Turner,is it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Stop doing the work she could be doing and go out a few nights a week don't tell her where you are going. To be sure put a voice activated recorder(VAR) in the house and/or in her car so you can rule out someone else in the picture.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Women who are SAHM's who don't realize how lucky they have it drive me CRAZY!! It is an honor and a privilege to be able to stay at home to raise your child, while so many woman work F/T jobs and can't be home for their kids. Yes - it's a busy job, but there is definitely time in the day to do the household things like cleaning, laundry, and dinner. She should be happy to do these things because I believe it comes with the package deal when you are a SAHM. I am a WAHM. I work 35-40 hrs./week and I take care of all these things. The kids are all in school now, but I've been a WAHM since they were born.

Your wife acts very entitled instead of appreciating that you are providing very nicely for her. She doesn't appreciate you at all. What is the world is attractive about her that makes you want to stay? She's a user.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

How old is the baby? Could she be suffering from post partum? Is she still nursing? Hormones take a while for some women to get back to normal after a birth and sometimes they need to take herbs or something to give it a jump start.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

usmarine said:


> Thanks for all the replies. I have a quick update. After giving the situation some thought, and after trying again to talk to her, I found out what was wrong. Apparently I was being a douche bag with her. According to her, I didnt respect her, I was also a bad husband and a bad father. Honestly, I don't think I was doing what she said but changed it regardless. She changed her no affection attitude too. Everything started to look better but there is still no sex. She is never in the mood, something hurts or she is tired. As a man, you believe those things for some time until it gets old. She was not like that. So I am aware that there is something wrong for her to be like that. I make sure to ask her from time to time how am i doing as a husband, to which she replies that I am doing great as a husband and father. Just like a time bomb, yesterday she finally said that she is not happy, but she doesnt know why. Honestly, I am a man that has seen and heard a lot thru my life, and i have heard that before. It is very difficult to believe that my wife doesnt know why she is not happy. Intold her that I believe thats the reason why she doesnt have sex drive amd of course she dismissed my comment. I am seriously thinking that there is something very wrong in her mind. Comments welcome, specially the opinion of women about this troubling issue, maybe I will understand.
> 
> Semper Fi.


You are a victim of "bait and switch"..She needed a meal ticket for her child and herself, and was willing to sleep with you enough to get you hooked. Now with a ring on her finger there is no need to carry on the farce....She has you trapped....

When you complain, she blameshifts. You are the provider, the breadwinner, but you are a bad guy...She has "wants and needs" that you don't fulfill...It is all your fault....She can't tell you specificaly what these needs are because it is just a BS excuse. you are being played....

Clean out her checking account so she can't get into your funds. Print out the divorce laws for your state, put them on her placemat at the dinner table, and leave the house for a weekend....Let her see how bleak things could be without you in the picture......Then come home and and have the talk...If she isn't willing to "ADJUST" her attitude, get a lawyer....

I married a single mom with an 18 mo son...I raised him as my own, the wife and I had a wonderful sex life for over 40 years...It is possible...

good luck.
the woodchuck


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