# I just don't know what to do.



## swolsen85 (Jan 4, 2013)

I've been married now for 5 years. I'm 27 my wife is 26. We have a 4 year old and a 11 month old. At the outset I want to make clear that I'm completely understanding of how hard it is to be a mom. I understand that she has to deal with the 2 kids while I'm at work, but she also has her mother here to help her since her mother can't support herself. In essence, we have no intimacy. The last time we were intimate was probably the day we concieved our 2nd child. So going on a long time with no sex. I take that back 1 time since the kid was born that I can honestly remember. I just feel like a paycheck. We have moments during the day where we might talk about being intimate and she says she'll get the kids to bed early (I help) and then she lays down and passes out in our toddler's bed. I'm just lost. Whenever I bring it up, I'm not understand, but then she tells me I'm understanding. I'm confused, hurt, sad.


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## swolsen85 (Jan 4, 2013)

Any advice is welcome.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

If I told you this was going to continue probably your entire marriage - would you leave her? I am asking this - cause it will tell me better how to respond.

Other questions - is she nursing the baby?

Was it this way after the first baby and if so - how long?

Is she on birth control?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Does mom help around the house, or is she more work? As in, can she watch the kids for a day while you and your wife go out on a date, including (preferably) a stay in a hotel?

C


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## swolsen85 (Jan 4, 2013)

@Mary No I'm realistic. I understand that we all get overwhelmed and tired and what not, I guess my ultimate problem is that I feel like I get set up for failure by the signals she sends me throughout the day. It's almost as if she's just making sure I'm still interested. And since I am, "oh we can put it off."

She isn't nursing.

She had a tubal after the c-section.


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## swolsen85 (Jan 4, 2013)

PBear said:


> Does mom help around the house, or is she more work? As in, can she watch the kids for a day while you and your wife go out on a date, including (preferably) a stay in a hotel?
> 
> C


No her mom is lazy and *****es any time she has to watch the kids. If my wife and I go out on a date we have a 2 hour time limit even though she pays no ****ing bills and contributes nothing but bull****.


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## swolsen85 (Jan 4, 2013)

PBear said:


> Does mom help around the house, or is she more work? As in, can she watch the kids for a day while you and your wife go out on a date, including (preferably) a stay in a hotel?
> 
> C


And on another note if my wife and I go out my MIL feels she's entitled to us buying her dinner and paying her for her time. So when you include that I don't have the money for a hotel room lol.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

swolsen85 said:


> No her mom is lazy and *****es any time she has to watch the kids. If my wife and I go out on a date we have a 2 hour time limit even though she pays no ****ing bills and contributes nothing but bull****.


I'm going to hazard a guess that the lack of sex is only one of the problems in your marriage... Have you considered sitting down with your wife and letting her know how all this is affecting you? Have you looked into the Married Man's Sex Life, and No More Mr. Nice Guy?

C


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

You are understanding of how hard it is to be a mom, but she is not understanding of how hard it is to be a man who gets no sex! 

She IS testing you to see if you are still intersted. As long as you are she's fine continuing as things are. What consequences or benefits does she have to want to change? None!!! She needs some behavioral training. You need to show her in a calm but firm way that there are benefits to having a sexually fullfilled husband and there are strong consequences of not having one. 

If I were you I would act like you're not interested in sex with her at all. In fact I would politely ignore her completely as far as any affection or attention is concerned for awhile and see what happens. I would be polite - do things that you want to do around the house only that you want to do - not for her or to help her. When she gets mad - calmly say - oh - I just assumed you only wanted my paycheck - you clearly have no interest in me as a husband. Then walk away. Don't beg for sex, don't ask for it, start working out and doing stuff you enjoy doing. make her start chasing you down. Try it - you may be surprised what happens. 

And you Mil - how long has she been with you? Sounds like she needs some training too.


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## swolsen85 (Jan 4, 2013)

As funny as it is. This thread is no longer relevant. So my wife was sleeping and I said to myself "Well **** sitting here whining I'm going to go in there wake her up and talk to her." We talked. And now I feel like a moron because she told me "I've been waiting for you to come in there and get me every night." So I'm a tool. I'm smoking a cigarette. Case closed.

:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

If you ask women who were like your wife and then changed, why they changed, most would tell you it was either because their hormones changed to make them more horny (which usually doesn't happen until they are in their 40's) or they got a wake up call from their husband that he would not stay in a sexless marriage or that he would get his needs met elsewhere. 

Those women who won't change give their husband basically 3 choices - continue as things are and get use to it - or stray - or leave.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

swolsen85 said:


> As funny as it is. This thread is no longer relevant. So my wife was sleeping and I said to myself "Well **** sitting here whining I'm going to go in there wake her up and talk to her." We talked. And now I feel like a moron because she told me "I've been waiting for you to come in there and get me every night." So I'm a tool. I'm smoking a cigarette. Case closed.
> 
> :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


Hopefully not for only a short period of time!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

swolsen85 said:


> As funny as it is. This thread is no longer relevant. So my wife was sleeping and I said to myself "Well **** sitting here whining I'm going to go in there wake her up and talk to her." We talked. And now I feel like a moron because she told me "I've been waiting for you to come in there and get me every night." So I'm a tool. I'm smoking a cigarette. Case closed.
> 
> :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


No offense, but I think you need to wake up and smell the sh!t you're shoveling. Your saying that your wife earnestly believed that you were happy having sex once in the last 11 months? Is your wife generally a stupid person?

Look. Women who maneuver their husbands into sexless marriages are master manipulators. That's why she's got a thousand excuses for not having sex. She gives you just enough interest to make you think that she's interested in you. But she's not.

You need to take Mary's advice and go to Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. for more good advice.

I think the most likely scenario is that your wife gives you sex once or twice before she slips right back into her mode of denying you with some lame excuses. If I'm wrong, which I hope I am, then good for you. But I hope you come back and let us know how it works out.

P.S. Tell your wife's mother that everyone is expected to pull their weight in your household. If she wants you to buy her dinner in exchange for her babysitting services, make it McDonalds. A $5 combo isn't a bad deal for a night of babysitting. And she needs to be babysitting at least 3-4 times a month.

Good luck.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

PBear said:


> I'm going to hazard a guess that the lack of sex is only one of the problems in your marriage... Have you considered sitting down with your wife and letting her know how all this is affecting you? Have you looked into the Married Man's Sex Life, and No More Mr. Nice Guy?
> 
> C


Wow I can't believe I'm actually condoning that in this situation.

Forgive how archaic this may sound but...

You are the MAN OF THE HOUSE, the breadwinner, and your MIL and wife TELL you how it is? You don't have the balls to say "Please watch the children and make dinner for them and yourself. We'll be late. I'm sure you don't mind since this is the one way you can contribute to running this household".

Your wife should be on the same page as you regarding her mother. You ARE just a paycheck right now. It sounds like there is no other intimacy - no cuddling at bedtime, no conversations about something besides kids and house. She should not be laying down with the toddler. Children need to learn to sooth themselves and not rely on a parent to help them get to sleep. It only gets harder to keep them in bed if you don't start early.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

swolsen85 said:


> As funny as it is. This thread is no longer relevant. So my wife was sleeping and I said to myself "Well **** sitting here whining I'm going to go in there wake her up and talk to her." We talked. And now I feel like a moron because she told me "I've been waiting for you to come in there and get me every night." So I'm a tool. I'm smoking a cigarette. Case closed.
> 
> :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


No, it isn't. 

At a minimum it demonstrates an enormous communication problem between you and the wife, but I suspect it was a "blame the victim" excuse too. That might explain a day or a week but sheesh - nearly a year? 

You have the mother in law making a little girl out of you at the same time so it's time to start acting like a man in general. 

If you are making statements of resentment on a message board and have not laid down the law with both of them then sure, the problem is with you. Read the books above. When you let people walk all over you, that's what they'll do.


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