# stating what I like, best way to do that?



## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

As a Heart song says, "He's got the magic hands",  My dh does wonders with his hands. I'm newer to getting oral (my choice" and don't really like it that much.

I like giving it. I have no problem with that.

Is it a put down or ego crush if I tell my husband his hands are amazing, the other not so much? Do I just go with it?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

snowbum said:


> Is it a put down or ego crush if I tell my husband his hands are amazing, the other not so much? Do I just go with it?


No. Yes.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Unless a guy is an actual jerk or sociopath, men typically really want to please. Give him some guidance and feedback and coaching on his oral and then you can have both.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

snowbum said:


> As a Heart song says, "He's got the magic hands",  My dh does wonders with his hands. I'm newer to getting oral (my choice" and don't really like it that much.
> 
> I like giving it. I have no problem with that.
> 
> Is it a put down or ego crush if I tell my husband his hands are amazing, the other not so much? Do I just go with it?


You'll probably be relieved unless giving oral is just his kink. Most guys don't really like to give it that much. But all you have to do is just tell him when he's doing what you like, "that's what I like best." Then don't ever say that if you don't really like oral while you're getting oral. He may be doing it wrong. If he's not targeting your clitoris, that it just feels like a bath. So if you feel like he is not targeting your clitoris, then you should encourage him to go up higher and then tell him he like that if in fact you do before you discourage him totally from doing it. All you have to do is say higher, higher and then if that works, just say, right like that. It's best to keep things to one or two words spoken feverishly rather than a conversation that begins to sound like a lecture!


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

I'm a lady in my mid-50's, with 3 grown children and I've been married a few times too.

Communication is key. If you don't communicate this, it won't ever get better and overtime it will slowly bother you more and more.

Of course, one may talk nicely about things, topics, even sexual topics that don't put their partner on the defensive.

First, talk to him outside of the bedroom, like on a walk or something.

Ask him what he likes about sex with you, what he doesn't like, what some of fantasies are etc. Of course, during said convo with him, your likes, wants and wishes should come up to.

Here is a link to an article with drawings (NOT pictures) about oral sex on a lady.

https://badgirlsbible.com/how-to-eat-*****
I don't know how your relationship is together so maybe you have him read this, maybe you read it with him and talk to him. Maybe you get naked with him in the bedroom and do a practice or training session instead of really trying to have sex.

Have him try several of these techniques out. He may not even know about them, many men don't, though some do of course.

My larger point is that this needs to be addressed. Not communicating about this, or anything in a marriage, won't work long term.

Rug sweeping things doesn't lead to good outcomes over the long haul.

Partners are supposed to be on the same team. Both your partner and you are supposed to work together on an issues.

It's BOTH of you against whatever issue or problem arises in your relationship, be it this or any other topic.

I don't care that this is about sex, both of you need to be able to work together, communicate and resolve things together as a team.

Good luck.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> I'm a lady in my mid-50's, with 3 grown children and I've been married a few times too.
> 
> Communication is key. If you don't communicate this, it won't ever get better and overtime it will slowly bother you more and more.
> 
> ...


Absolutely fabulous advice for the OP. 

The OP may also share with her guy that while she is willing to have him go down on her, she may not want that at certain times or she might want to schedule it in advance. Setting boundaries, is always a good idea.

Some women as they get older have weaker pelvic Floor muscles and can leak urine during orgasms. Some women feel self confident about "down there" and my want to make sure they shower a head of time. Certain foods can create different tastes and a woman may be concerned about that. Also some people are afraid that if they say yes to something it will become the new thing that is all their spouse ever wants to do in the future.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> Absolutely fabulous advice for the OP.
> 
> The OP may also share with her guy that while she is willing to have him go down on her, she may not want that at certain times or she might want to schedule it in advance. Setting boundaries, is always a good idea.
> 
> Some women as they get older have weaker pelvic Floor muscles and can leak urine during orgasms. Some women feel self confident about "down there" and my want to make sure they shower a head of time. Certain foods can create different tastes and a woman may be concerned about that. Also some people are afraid that if they say yes to something it will become the new thing that is all their spouse ever wants to do in the future.


Another thing to do is tell him what felt really good, without telling him what was "meh" to you.
Positive reinforcement all the time.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You'll probably be relieved unless giving oral is just his kink. Most guys don't really like to give it


 Absolutely false..... every guy I know LOVES giving oral sex. With that said I work in an industry filled with testosterone alpha types so that may have something to do with it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Must have something to do with it. Most I knew did not do it or if they did, it was just hitting the base real quick. I don't blame them. Guys were a lot more worried about being sure they got off than getting the woman off in my dating days. I don't think it was all malicious. I think a lot of them really thought that everything just depended on how long they could have intercourse. The guys I knew who were good in bed, it was because they were really good with their hands.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> I'm a lady in my mid-50's, with 3 grown children and I've been married a few times too.
> 
> Communication is key. If you don't communicate this, it won't ever get better and overtime it will slowly bother you more and more.
> 
> ...


i do not know too many guys who "like to eat ass",
i DO know plenty that like to eat the other one, though.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

so you enjoy when he manually masturbates you.
you do not cum when there is PIV sex. Does it hurt you to have PIV sex? If not, then the answer is simple, have PIV sex, THEN have him masturbate you afterwards until you cum.

If it hurts you, have you tried anal sex? a lot of guys would take anal sex instead of PIV sex, especially if you let him tie you up first.
Giving him a BJ to completion IS a decent substitute, just so long as he does not develop one of those complexes where he feels "my penis is too small to please any woman, woe is me!".


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> then the answer is simple, have PIV sex, THEN have him masturbate you afterwards *first* until you cum.


or as above


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

The original question: state what you like best...

From my perspective I like direct and it doesn’t offend me one bit. I’d rather my wife get the best she can and if she feels a little redirect is needed .... it’s all good!! I think he would appreciate your input. It shows you have interest in feeling good and want active participation. Sounds like a win-win to me.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

snowbum said:


> As a Heart song says, "He's got the magic hands",  My dh does wonders with his hands. I'm newer to getting oral (my choice" and don't really like it that much.
> 
> I like giving it. I have no problem with that.
> 
> Is it a put down or ego crush if I tell my husband his hands are amazing, the other not so much? Do I just go with it?


Take the ego boost route 100%.

While he's fingering you: "omg what you do with your hands gets me so hot... If I had to choose your hands or your mouth I'd actually choose your hands every time. You're a master of that."

If he asks more about the oral, just make it about you generally, vs him specifically. "I like it sometimes, but it's not my favorite"


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Wife and I have been together 50 years and I love going down on her and she would cum every single time. Then, out of the blue one night in early September this year, as I was about to go down on her, she pushed me away and said, "That's not my favorite." I'll be honest, that statement was crushing to me. Would have been better telling me outside the bedroom and telling me what her favorite is. My confidence took a big hit that night.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Diceplayer said:


> Wife and I have been together 50 years and I love going down on her and she would cum every single time. *Then, out of the blue one night in early September this year, as I was about to go down on her, she pushed me away and said, *"That's not my favorite." I'll be honest, that statement was crushing to me. Would have been better telling me outside the bedroom and telling me what her favorite is. My confidence took a big hit that night.


Sometimes people are very self conscious and will find excuses to hide the real reasons for something. You may have just tried that at the wrong time and she may have over reacted. 

There are many things that could have happened that you may not have been aware of. She could have suddenly felt loose bowels, gas that needed to come out, a need to urinate, remembered that she ate something earlier in the day that would change her taste, etc.

You might try talking to again, and tell her you missed doing that with her as you really enjoyed it. I would tell her it is not something you want to do every time, but you would like to do it on occasion. If she agrees then schedule it well in advance.

Good luck.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

snowbum said:


> As a Heart song says, "He's got the magic hands",  My dh does wonders with his hands. I'm newer to getting oral (my choice" and don't really like it that much.
> 
> I like giving it. I have no problem with that.
> 
> Is it a put down or ego crush if I tell my husband his hands are amazing, the other not so much? Do I just go with it?



You have to know your husband. My husband is terrible at oral sex, TERRIBLE. I mean, he's so rough it hurts me. I get every woman is different, maybe before me they weren't as sensitive. I don't know, but when I tried to broach this subject, knowing how sensitive my husbands ego is, he became super angry and eventually told me he didn't understand what my problem was, all the women before me loved oral sex from him. 

 queue the eye roll. Back then it really hurt me when he said that. Now, years later I know deep down it was just a dig, he felt wounded and wanted to make me hurt in the moment too. Since then, he just stopped completely. I didn't ask him to stop, I just needed him to NOT shove his whole face in as hard as he possible could and slobber everywhere. I didn't put it that way, but just saying hey, could you try to do this... yeah I might as well have said the former. 

Anyway, you know your husband better than we do. If he really loves you, wants to please you, he'll be totally open to the conversation and pointers. Good luck.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> Sometimes people are very self conscious and will find excuses to hide the real reasons for something. You may have just tried that at the wrong time and she may have over reacted.
> 
> There are many things that could have happened that you may not have been aware of. She could have suddenly felt loose bowels, gas that needed to come out, a need to urinate, remembered that she ate something earlier in the day that would change her taste, etc.
> 
> ...


I outright asked how often she'd like it years ago. Once or twice a month it turns out. Huh... who knew? Because she - really - enjoys herself. I got her monthly comfort window while I was at it. This just re-enforced for me that it ain't just about the O for women. I'd do it for her every time if she wanted it. But nope, about twice a month is evidently the sweet spot, pun intended.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

snowbum said:


> As a Heart song says, "He's got the magic hands",  My dh does wonders with his hands. I'm newer to getting oral (my choice" and don't really like it that much.
> 
> I like giving it. I have no problem with that.
> 
> Is it a put down or ego crush if I tell my husband his hands are amazing, the other not so much? Do I just go with it?



Tell him what you like. If he is caring, he will understand.

I'll admit that I would be disappointed if my wife did not let me give her oral sex. Watching the physical response is erotic as anything I can imagine. I love the view.

On the other hand, I am reluctant to accept oral sex as I feel it is uncomfortable for Julie. On the third hand, rejecting oral sex caused a huge miscommunication and 14 years of no touch at all. Fortunately we recently shared how we viewed each experience in our relationship over the years, now actually understand each other and have a wonderful relationship. I even learned to talk dirty.


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## atourist (Dec 31, 2021)

Don't feel 'crushed' or put yourself under pressure just because one of you isn't up for one particular thing at the moment. It's no big deal. There are so many great things about sex, and one of the best is: there are no rules. You don't have to like all of its possibilities and permutations, so forget the ones you dislike and take joy from the ones you do. There will be plenty.

Besides, tastes change, and not only will you start to like more things as you get older, but you will feel more open to new things, and enjoy experimenting. So the chances are you will both grow to like it in time.


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## atourist (Dec 31, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Most guys don't really like to give it that much.


What?
I know I am only one man and not 'most guys', but I find it very difficult to believe that there are many men who would not enjoy it.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

snowbum said:


> As a Heart song says, "He's got the magic hands",  My dh does wonders with his hands. I'm newer to getting oral (my choice" and don't really like it that much.


I am going to give you a different perspective....

I am a male that has historically hated receiving oral sex. I much prefer hands. My wife would try to give me oral and I would often ask her to stop and just use her hands. For the longest time this seemed odd and I never really understood why I did not like receiving oral. 

Essentially what was going on was a lack of communication combined with a lack of comfort and feeling deserving on my part. My first experiences with receiving oral sex involved girlfriends that would complain about her jaw getting soar and she would be preemptively upset about it from a previous boyfriend that wanted BJs all the time. This experience was somewhat imprinted onto me and it made it difficult for me to enjoy something with the idea that the person performing it was likely experiencing discomfort as a result. At the same time I did not know what I liked, so I was unable to offer any guidance or suggestions to a partner other than to ask them to just stop and use hands instead. 

Today that has changed. I know how to communicate and my wife enjoys knowing exactly how to drive me crazy whenever she wants with oral. I can do the same for my wife as well. 

I would strongly suggest the following. Ask your husband to give you oral only for his own pleasure. Ask him to describe what he likes to do and why. Perhaps try doing it only to please him and tease him once you learn why he enjoys giving you oral. Once you start enjoying something communicate that but keep a mindset that you are doing it to just drive him crazy with desire for you. 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

atourist said:


> What?
> I know I am only one man and not 'most guys', but I find it very difficult to believe that there are many men who would not enjoy it.


Trust me. But the ones I hear about who just like it for their own pleasure really do like it. I've never met one of those.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

badsanta said:


> I am going to give you a different perspective....
> 
> I am a male that has historically hated receiving oral sex. I much prefer hands. My wife would try to give me oral and I would often ask her to stop and just use her hands. For the longest time this seemed odd and I never really understood why I did not like receiving oral.
> 
> ...


I knew most guys were only doing it out of obligation, so at some point, I would tell them, Don't do anything you don't enjoy. I feel there are ways to have sex for your own enjoyment that don't involve someone else doing something they could live without. Then if you get a special treat, great, you'll appreciate it even more.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

snowbum said:


> As a Heart song says, "He's got the magic hands",  My dh does wonders with his hands. I'm newer to getting oral (my choice" and don't really like it that much.
> 
> I like giving it. I have no problem with that.
> 
> Is it a put down or ego crush if I tell my husband his hands are amazing, the other not so much? Do I just go with it?


You should express what you want to your husband, but definitely focus on what you like more than what you don't like. I coach baseball and I believe the 5:1 rule of positive coaching can apply to almost all relationships. Give 5 truthful and specific praises for every 1 constructive criticism. Don't focus on the numbers too much, the point is positive feedback needs to distinctly outweigh the negative feedback.

I'm personally in the camp of men that love giving oral. I've told my wife many times I would gladly go down on her just for the sake of going down on her and getting her off. My wife seems to be a little unusual in that she needs penetration to have an orgasm. External stimulation alone will never get her off, so even during oral she wants hands involved too. It was only in the past couple years that she finally told me that she is only slightly or occasionally interested in getting oral. I may have been a little disappointed since I enjoy it, but I didn't feel like my ego took a hit. I think that is in part due to her telling me what she does really like at the same time. In a strange twist, as my wife's desire to receive oral sex has declined her desire to give me oral sex has increased, so I'm not going to be complaining about the situation, lol.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I knew most guys were only doing it out of obligation, so at some point, I would tell them, Don't do anything you don't enjoy. I feel there are ways to have sex for your own enjoyment that don't involve someone else doing something they could live without. Then if you get a special treat, great, you'll appreciate it even more.


There is a psychology book that talks about the dynamics of touch and pleasure. While simple, most people don't differentiate the following:

Touching someone to give pleasure
Touching someone to get pleasure
Being touched to receive pleasure
Being touched to give pleasure

When everything is working right that all becomes mutually jumbled up into shared pleasure between both partners. However is actually is useful to isolate each and become aware if any particular one is problematic. Most people have trouble being touched for receiving pleasure. This is because they don't feel deserving nor do they want to cause discomfort to a partner. Most women are people pleasers and not good at it the other way around. 

Eventually it is important to learn to feel deserving of pleasure and enjoy it in the event a partner is doing something that may be uncomfortable for your benefit. This allows a partner to enjoy sacrificing for the other's pleasure with a full awareness and appreciation by both for what happened. This can then really create some wild and exciting scenarios of dominant subdominant situations. In my opinion the dominant partner os the one sacrificing by taking responsibility so that the other can completely loose control of themself. That dynamic has to be reversible so that it can work both ways. 

A common dynamic is that my wife may experience arousal difficulties and she will just tell me that I can get to be selfish and enjoy myself. She however will take control of how that happens and mess with my head exquisitely. She claims it is a huge confidence booster for her to watch me loose my marbles. I can also do the same for her sometimes when I notice her in a certain mood and I am somewhat neutral (in terms of hormonal desire). I truly enjoy pushing myself in ways that are slightly uncomfortable and cramp inducing for me but I get to make her melt in my arms.

The only way to get there is to know your partner is lovingly doing something uncomfortable as a sacrifice to make you explode. You will never enjoy it unless you have a partner that can help you feel deserving of it (ironically by telling you that you DON'T DESERVE it as a way to tease you!)


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

badsanta said:


> There is a psychology book that talks about the dynamics of touch and pleasure. While simple, most people don't differentiate the following:
> 
> Touching someone to give pleasure
> Touching someone to get pleasure
> ...


Well, you know, for women, it's mostly all mental anyway. So anything that stimulates them mentally is more effective. I always valued how a guy acted way more than exactly what he did in bed. I like to be mentally involved. If I'm not, it's going to be humdrum.


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