# Her friends are more important than me



## notsosure (Jun 10, 2012)

My wife has this relentless desire to be with her best friend almost every conspicable minute of the day, night, weekends, you name it. Her friend lives only a short distance from our home, and it seems to be a hub for other girlfriends to gather. While the other girlfriends do go home, my wife sleeps there nearly 5-6 nights a week.
Her friend works in a sex shop and they all have a desire to dress up in ligenrie and take photos of eachother and post on FB. I was once her friend too, but after finding out that my wife set up her married brother of whom has 4 kids, with this so called friend, I lost all respect for her and minimise contact as much as possible.
The relationship has ended now, only because while her daughter was over at my place, I told her how I was disgusted about the relationship, and how they would come over to my place and have their hands in eachothers crutch, while i sat 2 metres from them. This triggered her off and she got hold of my brother in laws wife's number somehow, and spilled the beans.
You can imagine what a revolution this caused.
My wifes best friend hates me for spilling the beans to her daughter, of which triggered her off. My wife hates me for doing so also. But my house is my castle, and if you cant respect me, then I dont waznt you here.
To add to the problem, I forever am doing all the housework, paying all the bills, while she is constantly out enjoying herself. I have considered leaving, but I have 3 kids, 17,15,9 who I have dire concerns about. Paying her support and trying to rent and live myself does not appeal to me, its impossible. She knows my disatisfaction ona ll this, but chooses to ignore it, and say "if u dont like it, leave".
What on earth am i to do???? Can someone give me some valuable advice???? Thanks in advance.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Are you positive only female friend are involved in these sleepovers?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## notsosure (Jun 10, 2012)

Yes absolutely.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

The friend is toxic, as you have pointed out. So, tell your wife that if she continues spending so much time with the friend, she can just stay there and not come home. OR she can stop hanging out with this friend and actually put forth effort into the marriage. That she set up her married brother with this woman speaks volumes of her regard for marriage.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

If you're wife is trying to hook her brother with another girl I would be very concerned of her doing the samething for herself.

Can you read her text messages and call logs? Email and Facebook messages?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## notsosure (Jun 10, 2012)

The love tthat she has for this toxic friend is unbelievable. My wife constantly posts on fb, about loving friendships. It feels like at times they are like husband n wife on a endless honeymoon.


----------



## notsosure (Jun 10, 2012)

She is very privvy with her mobile phone. I have no access to her emails either. She has blocked any contacts her friend posts on fb to her for my viewing.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

notsosure said:


> She knows my disatisfaction ona ll this, but chooses to ignore it, and say "if u dont like it, leave".
> What on earth am i to do???? Can someone give me some valuable advice???? Thanks in advance.


She told you what to do. I'd add "and get custody of the kids." She's into herself enough that she might prefer that anyway.


----------



## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

I think your wife is more toxic than the friend.... if she set up her own 'married' brother with this friend what more can be said! This indicates low moral values and there might be more things going on with her than you know, esp. since she is being so secretive and inaccessible. 

And the other things you mention are out of the world as well... she sleeps over at her friends house 5-6 nights a week!!! Looks like she is practically staying with her anyways. Why are you paying her rent? Does she spend ANY time at all with you and the kids?

And dressing up in ligenrie and take photos of eachother and posting on FB is disgusting as well! Are you sure she is not working in the sex shop or having an affair etc? Considering all of the above, I vote for leaving the wife since anyways doesn't look like she is having a positive influence on the kids or fulfilling any of her responsibilities as a wife.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

notsosure said:


> She is very privvy with her mobile phone. I have no access to her emails either. She has blocked any contacts her friend posts on fb to her for my viewing.


Which phone is she using? You can recover texts in some through the computer they sync it to.

Install a key logger on her computer right away, of course don't tell her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## notsosure (Jun 10, 2012)

Well, she came home before, a few hours ago and we had a massive fight. I hate fighting in front of the kids, but i had to vent my frustration and dissaproval. Well i le been honest even if it gets me in trouble at times, so here goes what happen.
This so called friends of hers son who is 18 and best friends with my son rocked up. He is a total bum, and a very lazy 18 yr old, totally opposite to my son. I sat him down once and said he has to decide what he wants to do. He loves cooking, so I said we will apply to William Anglish online and see if he can do a course there.Some paperwork arrived and he instilled my help to complete all the questions asked of him to determine whether an interview will be granted. He finally got the interview.He missed the interview and was lucky to be given another.
Well a week ago i found out through a post frm his friends congratulating him on getting into the course. I had no idea, i thought he was still waiting to hear.This was 2 weeks ago. I am big on respect, and not once did he call me to let me know he got in, or thank me for all the help. I felt gutted. I posted on his fb to say how dissapointed i was, but he never replied.
Today he rocks up. makes out he didnt see me, then says a quick hello. I told him to go f### himself. He left immediately, and a few minutes later rings my mobile to figure out why i said such. I told him dont play games with me, you very well know why, and hanged up.
In the meantime, my wife finds out about all this, comes home and confronts me about it. She already knew i was dissapointed about all this. Well it all started, i blurted out how she doesnt give a 2 hoot about me or the marriage, how shes always at her girlfriends etccc. Got so heated, and kids in presence which i hated. She said that is it, and going to her mums.
Now my son who is 17, is going out for dinner tonight with his girlfriend, and im picking them up later and she will be coming over to stay, because of the long weekend. My middle daughter kept tell me off, and showing her dissaproval at my rants. My youngest daughter who is 9, was crying and uncontrollable. I managed to pick her up and comfort her, and she decided to stay, cause she cant wait to see her brothers girlfriend of which she adores. So shes here with me tonight, but im sure if it wasnt for such she would of gone with her mum. My son understands me, but believes i handled it the wrong way, and besides its his best mate.
All this stems from all the hurt my wife has put me through. I feel like i cannot win.
What to from here, any constructive advice will be appreciated, whether positive or negative??? I really am so divided its not funny. Ive just started a new job also, so i have to carry all this emotional burden with me to work everyday from here on. Its driving me insane.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

It really sounds like your wife IS in an affair with this woman. If this was me, I'd kick her to the curb!


----------



## notsosure (Jun 10, 2012)

Affair!!!! Geez hasnt that been mentioned so many times. Every one can see it, except for her. **** i forgot to mention. I stepped out to go to safeway and buy smokes. i bumped into another close friend of hers and got talking and told her what happened. She can see my side, but doesnt want to say much. How ironic though, that while i was speaking to her, i can see my wife and her best friend from a distance , just about to walk into the shopping centre. They thought i didnt see them, and turned their backs and dissapeared.
Well i thought she was going to her mums, yeah thought so.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Why do you stay in this toxic relationship? Document as much as you need for the divorce proceedings and leave. You don't get a do-over in life. Why waste it like this?

Read all about the 180 and leave her. It must be awful for you.


----------



## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

My best advice is to make sure the kids stay with you when you kick her butt out.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Notsosure, 

What do each of you contribute to your household? What keeps you staying in a situation where you are regularly treated as unimportant? 

I can see that you're concerned about your kids, but seriously, wishing to avoid arguments in front of them is such a small thing. Children learn how they "should" handle disagreements through what they do and don't see their parents do. They are also learning through this situation what friendships and marriages should be like. 

How much of the sexual scene are they exposed to at the friend's house? With the bizarre sexual boundaries going on, you might even consider calling in an anonymous hotline report to get an investigation of all this.


----------



## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

Sounds like something more is going on here. The fact that she has you blocked from viewing her fb or that you have no access to any of her personal stuff..it just seems weird. If she is absolutely not in a sexual relationship with this woman..are you sure she's not sleeping else where and telling you she's sleeping there. If her friend doesn't like you..I'm sure she would be more then willing to lie for your wife..or even promote infidelity with another man.


----------



## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

eowyn said:


> I think your wife is more toxic than the friend.... if she set up her own 'married' brother with this friend what more can be said! This indicates low moral values and there might be more things going on with her than you know, esp. since she is being so secretive and inaccessible.
> 
> And the other things you mention are out of the world as well... she sleeps over at her friends house 5-6 nights a week!!! Looks like she is practically staying with her anyways. Why are you paying her rent? Does she spend ANY time at all with you and the kids?
> 
> And dressing up in ligenrie and take photos of eachother and posting on FB is disgusting as well! Are you sure she is not working in the sex shop or having an affair etc? Considering all of the above, I vote for leaving the wife since anyways doesn't look like she is having a positive influence on the kids or fulfilling any of her responsibilities as a wife.


I stick by my opinion in my previous post... that you need to find your way out of this marriage - Affair or not. Additionally looks like she was absolutely comfortable lying to you about going to her mom's house, when she is in fact out with her best friend. Makes me think she is lying to you more than you know. In any case, if you plan to leave her get all your ducks in a row, esp. to see how you can keep the custody of your children.

In this context and referring to your recent post about the fight over the best friend's son... I think it was a bad move to use that as the agenda for fighting with you wife. I agree that since you helped him with his interview and application process etc he should have told you. I agree that he did not show respect or gratitude by not letting you know for 2 weeks that he got selected. However what you did in response was not very civilized. Correct me if I am wrong but I have a feeling you pretty much took out your frustration on this kid. 

These are the things I would advice you be careful of. If your fight would have been just about the wife's behavior I am sure you would have got more support and backing from your kids. However part of your fight was also about this boy, who happens to be your's son's friend. Make sure you keep your head calm and keep being a good & supporting father as you go through all this. Try being the bigger person whereever you can so your kids can look up to you, and whatever you do, do it with as much dignity and composure as possible.


----------



## notsosure (Jun 10, 2012)

Thanks for all the feedback, good and negative. I take it on board.
The problem is I have nowhere to go. How on earth am i to leave and go and rent somewhere, pay her maintenance, pay bills and all other associated costs. Impossible!!!
Custody of the kids is a virtual no win situation. I'm in fulltime employment, I cant handle both. I have 2 umarried brothers, who live at home with mum n dad, they are both carers for them, as we dont want to put them into aged care. So this is not an option.
All my good male friends are married or in a relationship, so that is outta the equation as well.
No I did not use the friends son as a launching pad to fire some shots at her. This has been brewing for some time now. What pisses me off is she has a good relationship with her son and traets him like one of his own and is so damn protective over him. I just wished she showed that effort and determination and love towards our marriage, but not to be.
Well there were a few times i tried to make peace with all of them. A suggestion was made we go away toa resort in Albury. Well wasnt that a big mistake. Her friends suggestion it was, and she goes there with $60 to her name. I filled up her car,I paid for her accommodation, I paid for her meals. I said ****** it, she will pay me back when she can. Geez was i wrong. We went to a few restaurants together, and each time she was broke. That was the last straw.Her son would ring me and ask me for money and would say mum will pay u back. Ummm well you get the picture now!!!
As far as household income, she pays the rent, and I pay all the bills, food, petro; etcc. Thats the agreement we have, however she keeps rubbing it on me, thats she pays the rent.
I am very conservative with our money and try and stretch it as far as we can and try to live within our means. She feels as if ive got the chains on her and she cant spend on what she wants. That is furthest from the truth. She gets her hair done, pedicures, buys clothes, etcc. I dont go anywhere and dont buy clothes or anything. My son n daughter want to go out with friends nearly every weekend, and I support them also, as i dont want to see them unhappy.
I feel i am caged in this household, and although i have my responsibilities to be a provider, its at the expense of my own suffering. I dont ask for much, just love, understanding, respect and common sense. All this is priceless, but geez ive been short changed for far too long.
Will their be any light at the end of the tunnell for me???? What do I have to do??? I'm so depressed,angry and disillusional.


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I can tell you're in Australia, as am I. Of course you can leave, stop making excuses. There are tens of thousands of single parents working full time.

Your son is 17, he can choose where he lives, custody is not an issue. He must be either almost through school or working now. If he's not working he can get the new start allowance and if he is studying he can apply for austudy. Or he can work, there is no reason for you to be paying for his entertainment.

Your nine year old can go to before and after school care while she is in primary school. When she goes to high school, maybe her brother and sister can help look after her after school and in the holidays, I used to do that for my sister. 

Your wife has already left, clearly. Time to pull the plug.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## notsosure (Jun 10, 2012)

The kids are very attached to their mother and would not live with me. Dont get me wrong, she is a very good mother to them and there for them. They love her as much as they love me.
The problem is her and me. She spends so much time with her friend and the kids are left with me. She does not do much housework, and when her friend is at work, shes constantly watching, foxtel, cigarette after cigarette and at every opportunity on the phone talking to her girlfriends. I struggle to find a clean towel or underwear to have a shower and get dressed for work. She will launder just the kids clothes for school, that is it. She keeps asking me to bring takeaway on my way home from work, cause she cant be bothered cooking.
As soon as the kids are settled with food and in their bedrooms, off she goes to her friends house and stays the night.
Im already gone to work by the time she gets back in the morning to get them ready for school and drive them there. The rest of the day she does f### all. This is the daily grind everyday, and geez once the weekends come, not in sight.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

notsosure said:


> The kids are very attached to their mother and would not live with me. Dont get me wrong, she is a very good mother to them and there for them. They love her as much as they love me.
> The problem is her and me. She spends so much time with her friend and the kids are left with me. She does not do much housework, and when her friend is at work, shes constantly watching, foxtel, cigarette after cigarette and at every opportunity on the phone talking to her girlfriends. I struggle to find a clean towel or underwear to have a shower and get dressed for work. She will launder just the kids clothes for school, that is it. She keeps asking me to bring takeaway on my way home from work, cause she cant be bothered cooking.
> As soon as the kids are settled with food and in their bedrooms, off she goes to her friends house and stays the night.
> Im already gone to work by the time she gets back in the morning to get them ready for school and drive them there. The rest of the day she does f### all. This is the daily grind everyday, and geez once the weekends come, not in sight.


Sorry to argue this but you are in denial. This is not how a good mother acts. Also for what its worth the best mother is a good wife and is a role model for her children.

You do know the picture you paint is beyond absurd. Her behavior is puzzling but your behavior is what is most unsettling. By doing nothing about this you are enabling her. This is not the best home for your children. You being a doormat is a bad role model for them.

So she is also getting off on dominationg and humliating you.

You can make all of the excuses you want for her and why you cannot leave but if you stay it is because you choose to stay. There is nothing holding you back.


----------



## notsosure (Jun 10, 2012)

Thanks for the reply. There is a reason why ive stayed as long as in have. I feel the need for stability and the kids emotional needs have warranted my stay. Ill explain.
My son, has the upmost respect for me and loves the encouragement i provide him. I encouraged him and showed great interest in him to complete a pre- apprenticeship in Carpentry. He started in January and finished this in May. We were both active in looking for an apprenticeship straight after and only took him a week outta TAFE to find one. He doesnt drive, and work is 1 hour or so away, and I drive him there in the morning before i go to work. He is enjoying it and i love watching him prosper.
Now if i wasnt here for this moral support, where on earth will he be today. He will be like his best mate, of whom parents dont give 2 hoot about. Besides I cant see my sons mother going above and beyond.
I manage also to encourage my teenager daughter to apply and get a job at Maccas. She has been successful and starts in 2 weeks. I help with her homework and can see improvements.
My young one is full of energy, adorable, smart, witty and also loves challenges. She can make a bed better than her mum, vaccums, cleans the bathroom, now now she is only 9.
As you can see my influence has rubbed off. I cannot bare stand the thought of been away from them and seeing them suffer.
This is why my decision to leave is even harder.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

You can still be a good father. A better one actually by showing that a man will not be disrespected by anyone. Your oldest son is pretty much grown. He can live with you. He is not too old however for him to see the lesson on being a man that has integrity.

You are making excuses. I am not trying to be mean. You can have joint custody. Better than being mistreated in front of your children.

Good luck


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I am confused. It sounds like your wife does not have a job. Does she? If she does not have a job, what income does she has that she is using to pay the rent? 

Your wife is more than half out the door. Being a single parent is completely doable. 

I don't think that you should leave at all. It sounds like your marriage is over. Your wife puts in as little as she can with the children and your home.

Start preparing dinners using a crockpot… it’s a lot cheaper than buying take out. It’s also a lot healthier for all of you.

Of all the things that are wrong with your marriage, complaining about her not doing your laundry is such a waste of energy. Do your own laundry. In my household I taught everyone to do their own laundry.
All of my 3 children and my husband have down their own laundry since the children were 11 years old. That was 12 years ago. 

You need to get a lot stronger emotionally. I suggest that you interact with your wife in the manner suggested by the 180 in my signature block below. The idea of this is to grow stronger emotionally and get a much better/stronger mind set.

Is there an extra bedroom or room in your house? If there is, while your wife it out, move all of her things into that room. Just tell her that since he does not want to be married anymore it would be best if she had her own private room. Or encourage her to take her things to her friends place.

Let your wife be the one who eventually moves out.


----------



## notsosure (Jun 10, 2012)

Hang on a minute!!! No she doesnt work, and has no intention. I dont care that she does or doesnt, i prefer she be a housewife, i make reasonable money. She receives a n allowance and puts half towards the rent and i pay for the balance of the rent and outgoings. She has access to my account, and i dont begrudge her in using the account. She has to live as well afterall.
I wake atb 5am to take my son to work, i get home at 6.30pm. Do u think i want to do any housework, let alone laundering??? I help with the kids after work, while shes at her girlfriends. I come home and nothing is done. All she does is take girls to school and pick them up.
On the weekends while shes not here, i gather the kids and we do the housework together, which includes some laundering. Then the kids want to be entertained. I sacrifice my own "me time" .
Why she has to have it so damn easy??? I thought parenting was 2 ways, not 1 way. Is it too much to ask for??? She keeps saying go find yourself the perfect housewife.
All she cares about is being with her friend as much as possible. Ive told her do you think so n so will let their wives stay at a friends place 5-6 nights a week. All fall on deaf ears.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Stop giving her any more $$.

Cut all of the luxuries she has.

Buy only the needs of yourself and your kids, if she needs something urgently tell her to ask from her friend.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

When she is sleeping over at her friends, check her house to see if you can see any males are inside or cars you dont know. It seems there is a whole lot more to this story for her to spend so much time with this woman and ignore everything else in life.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

notsosure said:


> Hang on a minute!!! No she doesnt work, and has no intention. I dont care that she does or doesnt, i prefer she be a housewife, i make reasonable money. *She receives a n allowance and puts half towards the rent* and i pay for the balance of the rent and outgoings. She has access to my account, and i dont begrudge her in using the account. She has to live as well afterall.
> I wake atb 5am to take my son to work, i get home at 6.30pm. Do u think i want to do any housework, let alone laundering??? I help with the kids after work, while shes at her girlfriends. I come home and nothing is done. All she does is take girls to school and pick them up.
> On the weekends while shes not here, i gather the kids and we do the housework together, which includes some laundering. Then the kids want to be entertained. I sacrifice my own "me time" .
> Why she has to have it so damn easy??? I thought parenting was 2 ways, not 1 way. Is it too much to ask for??? She keeps saying go find yourself the perfect housewife.
> All she cares about is being with her friend as much as possible. Ive told her do you think so n so will let their wives stay at a friends place 5-6 nights a week. All fall on deaf ears.


Just trying to understand... is this allowance coming out of your pay or some other source? If she isn't doing anything to contribute to the household/family... again, WHY IS SHE STILL THERE?? If the allowance is coming out of your income, then, sir, YOU are footing the entire bill! So, as others have asked... why is she still there? She is gone all but one, maybe two nights each week. She is, in essence, merely a roommate....a roommate you are paying to stay with you and not contribute....


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

I wish someone payed me to sleep one day a week with them.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

notsosure said:


> Hang on a minute!!! No she doesnt work, and has no intention. I dont care that she does or doesnt, i prefer she be a housewife, i make reasonable money.
> 
> You prefer she be a housewife. When does she start? Is part of being a housewife going over to her friends, dressing up in lingerie and posting on the internet? Does being a housewife mean she stay out every night? Whose housewife is she? This comes down to what does she contribute to the marriage? I bet you could get a maid to come in for less money.
> 
> ...


----------



## notsosure (Jun 10, 2012)

She receives a government allowance. For all i know she may have told them were are seperated and receiving a single parent pension and family tax benefits a n b, and possibly the youth allowance for the older one. I dont care, good luck to her, not my problem.
As far as cutting her from my account, she will winge to the kids that im not supporting her and the kids will show resentment to me. Shes very good in manipulating their minds and going against me. At times i really think, she hopes i was "dead", and im not kidding.
If for any reason she stops putting in on the rent, yeah wel then i have to take measures.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

notsosure said:


> Hang on a minute!!! No she doesnt work, and has no intention. I dont care that she does or doesnt, i prefer she be a housewife, i make reasonable money. She receives a n allowance and puts half towards the rent and i pay for the balance of the rent and outgoings. She has access to my account, and i dont begrudge her in using the account. She has to live as well afterall.


What’s with the harsh come back? I was simply asking for clarification of what was ‘her money’ and it’s source. Money is an important issue in marriage.

To give her an allowance then tell her that she has to pay rent out of it seems sort of silly. It would make more sense to use the joint account to put a certain % into savings, pay bills to include rent, and then the two of you could split any discretionary income. I think that giving her $X allowance and then to expect her to pay 50% of $X to pay the bills is confusing to her. She sees $X as her allowance, hence it should only be used for her spending.
One of the issues with money and divorce is that if she wants a divorce she is going to have to go get a job. It does not sound like you will be giving her enough money to live on after a divorce.

So one of the ways to impress on her the errors of her ways is to tighten up on the money you give her. Since you are living at home and have the children a good part of the time, there is no need for child support. You are in Australia right? What I have read of Australian law is that there really are few cases that would get alimony during divorce. So paying the rent yourself and giving her less than 50% of $X will start to get across to her that this is what it will be like when she leaves the marriage. My keeping your finances as they were, you are enabling her bad behavior.



notsosure said:


> I wake atb 5am to take my son to work, i get home at 6.30pm. Do u think i want to do any housework, let alone laundering??? I help with the kids after work, while shes at her girlfriends. I come home and nothing is done. All she does is take girls to school and pick them up.


Of course you don’t want to do housework and laundry. But you have to face reality. Before you jump on me, I am the sole financial support for my family. I work long hours. My husband sits on his bum all day playing computer games. He’s done this for years. If I wanted to have dinner for me and my kids I had to do it. I wanted my house clean I had to do it. Had to go grocery shopping…. And on and on. It’s the pits to have a selfish spouse. 

But for those of us who do… this is the reality of our lives. Facing he reality is half of the solution.


notsosure said:


> On the weekends while shes not here, i gather the kids and we do the housework together, which includes some laundering. Then the kids want to be entertained. I sacrifice my own "me time" .


Yes I know how this goes because I’ve lived it. Millions of people raise their children by themselves. It sucks. But it’s what you life is right now.. unless you want to walk out on your children. And I don’t think you want to.

So give your wife less of an allowance and use the money to hire someone to take care of your children so you can get a break once a week. Maybe pay your 17 year old to baby sit so you have some time. Do this instead of just handing him money to go out.
Two of my kids still live with me. They are both 23 and in college.

They have to do 40 hours of work in the house for me a month in lieu of rent. That way we all get what we want. They get room and board and I get some help I desperately needs around here. They are doing a lot around here now that they are grown, so yes I also give him some money for things like gas, lunch out with friends, etc. But they have to work off their rent.
You do a lot for your $17. See if he will help you out more.


notsosure said:


> Why she has to have it so damn easy??? I thought parenting was 2 ways, not 1 way. Is it too much to ask for??? She keeps saying go find yourself the perfect housewife.


Look your wife is being abusive to you. Arguing with her is not going to get her to see your point of view. It certainly did not work this time. It has not worked before either. If what you have been doing is not working, then stop doing it. 

Your wife does not care about you. Or at least she does not think she does. She’s using and abusing you. You have taught her that she can get away with this behavior… you might get upset but you allow it.
Have you ever asked her to stay home and watch the kids once in a while so you can go out as well? Why not do this. For example tell her that you want all of Saturday afternoon until Sunday morning to yourself so you can do what you want to do. That she is tying you down by leaving the children in your care all the time. You have to force the issue to get her to take care of the children 50% of the time.


notsosure said:


> All she cares about is being with her friend as much as possible. Ive told her do you think so n so will let their wives stay at a friends place 5-6 nights a week. All fall on deaf ears.


“do you think so n so will let their wives stay at a friends place 5-6 nights a week”

So tell me, what would so n so do if his wife stayed at a friend’s palace 5-6 nights a week? How would so n so stop his wife from doing this or anything else?

You cannot make your wife do anything. She’s an adult. She cannot make you do anything either. It’s called free will. When you argue with her like this it makes you look controlling. She’s being passive aggressive.

So stop playing the game. Do your own thing. Treat her according to the 180. Go out at least once a week and do not tell her what you are doing or where you are going.

I think that maybe you would benefit from the “No More Mr. Nice Guy” web site and material.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

notsosure said:


> She receives a government allowance. For all i know she may have told them were are seperated and receiving a single parent pension and family tax benefits a n b, and possibly the youth allowance for the older one. I dont care, good luck to her, not my problem.


Oh, when you said allowance, I and others here assumed you meant that you were giving her an allowance. She she’s getting gov money. So she lied to the gov. She probably told them that she lives at her friend’s place. Or that you do not live at home.


notsosure said:


> As far as cutting her from my account, she will winge to the kids that im not supporting her and the kids will show resentment to me. Shes very good in manipulating their minds and going against me. At times i really think, she hopes i was "dead", and im not kidding.


This is easy to cure. Just let the kids know what is going on financially and let them see the bills, the amount of income, etc. Explain the situation to them. Then cut her off from your joint account.

Trust your children. They are not stupid. They are probably more aware of what is going on than you realize.

Make sure the children know that she is getting a gov allowance. That she went to some gov agency and lied to them, told them that she’s divorced, separated, etc. that she used them to get this $$. 

Then separate your finances. She can keep all of her gov allowance. And you move all of your money to an account in your name.


notsosure said:


> If for any reason she stops putting in on the rent, yeah wel then i have to take measures.


Why would you wait until then?


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

notsosure said:


> She receives a government allowance. For all i know she may have told them were are seperated and receiving a single parent pension and family tax benefits a n b, and possibly the youth allowance for the older one. I dont care, good luck to her, not my problem.
> As far as cutting her from my account, she will winge to the kids that im not supporting her and the kids will show resentment to me. Shes very good in manipulating their minds and going against me. At times i really think, she hopes i was "dead", and im not kidding.
> If for any reason she stops putting in on the rent, yeah wel then i have to take measures.


You serioulsy do not know why she gets a government allowance? Are you sure that is where the money comes from? Not your problem where she gets her money from. Amazing. So you really don't know your wife very well.

Heaven forbid she would wine to the kids. Yes, indeed any man would put up with this if they feared their wife would wine to the kids. This is the flimsiest excuse for non action I think I have seen on this forum. That takes some doing frankly.

What is it you are looking for?


----------



## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

notsosure said:


> She receives a government allowance. For all i know she may have told them were are seperated and receiving a single parent pension and family tax benefits a n b, and possibly the youth allowance for the older one. I dont care, good luck to her, not my problem.
> As far as cutting her from my account, she will winge to the kids that im not supporting her and the kids will show resentment to me. Shes very good in manipulating their minds and going against me. At times i really think, she hopes i was "dead", and im not kidding.
> If for any reason she stops putting in on the rent, yeah wel then i have to take measures.


Your two main issues with leaving the wife seem to be (1) resentment from kids (2) $$$

Are you sure the kids have a "good opinion" about your wife (their mother).... Logically I really doubt that. From all your posts it looks like she has practically married this best friend and hired you to pay for her expenses and take care of the kids. She has washed her hands off all responsibilities - as a wife and as a mother. I don't think your kids would be so naive so as not to "get this", at least the older 2 kids. Why are you so worried that they would be resentful of you if you decide to separate from her? Have you talked about this with your 17yr old? 

Looks like she pays half the rent and that is probably the only kind of contribution she is making. I would say if rent is the issue, you might want to consider having a paying guest who could help with the rent. 

I really think this is nowhere close to a marriage. She is taking undue advantage of you & I have no idea how you can put up with all this crap! :banghead:


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> You serioulsy do not know why she gets a government allowance? Are you sure that is where the money comes from? Not your problem where she gets her money from. Amazing. So you really don't know your wife very well.
> 
> Heaven forbid she would wine to the kids. Yes, indeed any man would put up with this if they feared their wife would wine to the kids. This is the flimsiest excuse for non action I think I have seen on this forum. That takes some doing frankly.
> 
> What is it you are looking for?


The OP is in Australia. His wife is entitled to Family Tax Benefit A and B, amount depending on household income and number of dependent children. If she is paying rent and the lease is in her name then she may be eligible for rent assistance. All this is perfectly legal, our system is different to the US. 

What do you want people here to say, OP? Your wife has no respect for you, she does no work around the house, she doesn't work outside the house, according to you you ar basically a single parent anyway. Ultimatum time. Tell your wife things need to change or you split up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> It really sounds like your wife IS in an affair with this woman. If this was me, I'd kick her to the curb!


:iagree::iagree: Surprised nobody else said this.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Lyris said:


> *The OP is in Australia. His wife is entitled to Family Tax Benefit A and B, amount depending on household income and number of dependent children. If she is paying rent and the lease is in her name then she may be eligible for rent assistance. All this is perfectly legal, our system is different to the US. *
> 
> What do you want people here to say, OP? Your wife has no respect for you, she does no work around the house, she doesn't work outside the house, according to you you ar basically a single parent anyway. Ultimatum time. Tell your wife things need to change or you split up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


See, NOW it makes a bit more sense. I understand about being entitled to income contingent and family size based assistance. Also, rent assistance. I'll be honest, due to our health problems, my family gets assistance as well. I get disability, and my husband is still fighting to get it. IF his doctors ever release him to work, he will work. Until then, we get assistance for rent and food and health care. Sucks having to use it, and we thought we would never have to because he had been working. 

I think it's ridiculous for a spouse to NOT know where the income is coming from. And, if you do know, and are embarrassed, don't be. There is nothing wrong with needing the extra help. There is no shame in it unless you knowingly are abusing the system. From the sounds of it, that is not the case. So, make up a room for your wife to live as a roommate since that is, essentially, what she has become.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> See, NOW it makes a bit more sense. I understand about being entitled to income contingent and family size based assistance. Also, rent assistance. I'll be honest, due to our health problems, my family gets assistance as well. I get disability, and my husband is still fighting to get it. IF his doctors ever release him to work, he will work. Until then, we get assistance for rent and food and health care. Sucks having to use it, and we thought we would never have to because he had been working.
> 
> I think it's ridiculous for a spouse to NOT know where the income is coming from. And, if you do know, and are embarrassed, don't be. There is nothing wrong with needing the extra help. There is no shame in it unless you knowingly are abusing the system. From the sounds of it, that is not the case. So, make up a room for your wife to live as a roommate since that is, essentially, what she has become.


Indeed, but he gave the impression he made very good money. He did not need her to work.


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Everyone is entitled to some Family Tax benefit here, no matter your income/spouse's income. Our household income is over $100,000 per year and we are still entitled to some government payments. It's not the same as a disability pension or unemployment support.

And if he was making very good money, it's unlikely they would be renting. It sounds to me like he makes enough for them to get by, and as the government tax benefits give his wife some extra income she has no incentive to work. If she had a job, which she should, as the mother of older children, they could probably afford to buy a house.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Davi (Apr 20, 2012)

How can you tolerate! Tell your wife that you dont like all that and tell her also that it can spoil your relationship..


----------

