# Hi I'm new here and care for my husband with DID



## Dragonsmiles (May 22, 2014)

Hi all. I am new here. I've been married for almost 23 years. My husband was diagnosed with fibromyalgia just before we married and I've been his carer ever since. He has since been diagnose with osteoarthritis, diverticular disease, permanent double vision, hearing loss, clinical depression and just recently dissociative personality disorder.
To be frank over the past couple of years I have been struggling to cope with it all and have been considering leaving and it's breaking my heart. My story is long and complicated but 23 years of marriage is a lot to throw away and if there's any chance at all of saving my marriage and my own sanity I'm all ears.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What kind of support network do YOU have?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dragonsmiles (May 22, 2014)

Well until recently none at all. Hubbys past behavior had unfortunately driven most of our friends away. On the plus side both my sisters are now living a lot closer to us and I have a couple of good friends. My son and daughter, although have suffered a lot throughout our marriage are supportive and quite frankly I couldn't do without them. My son has recently been medically discharged from the Parachute regiment and is living at home for now and my daughter is in the process of moving in with her boyfriend so it won't be long before it's just me and hubby and my dogs.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What is your HUSBAND doing about his condition?


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Dragonsmiles said:


> If there's any chance at all of saving my marriage and my own sanity I'm all ears.


Dragon, many of us here on TAM have been through similar experiences by living with BPDers (i.e., those having strong BPD traits). Because BPDers frequently do splitting and other forms of dissociation, living with a BPDer feels like you're living with a person who is half-way to having DID. Indeed, a number of published psychological studies have expressed the view that DID is a form (i.e., a subset) of BPD. See DID is a form of BPD.

I mention this because you may find much useful information in the many TAM threads focusing on BPD issues and relationships. To that end, I suggest you start with my list of red flags in 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I suggest you read my more detailed description of them in Maybe's Thread. As with DID sufferers, it is common for BPDers to have co-occurring fibromyalgia and depression. My exW and her two sisters, for example, all had fibromyalgia and BPD (to varying degrees).


----------



## Dragonsmiles (May 22, 2014)

Hi again. Thank you Uptown. Wow! That all sounds so familiar! At the moment hubby is pretty stable. He's seeing a psychiatrist evry three months (not enough really) and he's been put on antianxiety/antidepressants and anti psychotics and although the antipsychotics are keeping his aggression and hostility at bay (mostly) I do think the anti-depressants aren't doing him any good. He had seen a counselor for two years to talk about the physical and sexual abuse he suffered from his older brother but That seemed to bring out the worst in him. He now has an Occupational therapist working with him so we'll see how that goes.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ask him to go back to a new psychologist. Tell him you NEED him to do it because you're feeling overwhelmed. Ask him to do it for you.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

OP, I came across this blog last fall. It is by the husband of a woman with DID. I found it interesting. 

Loving My DID Girl(s) | A Husband's Role in the Healing Process


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OP, do YOU have counselling and therapy?


----------



## Dragonsmiles (May 22, 2014)

Hi MattMatt, I've worked with a support worker twice and am now on the list for counseling. It could be a long wait.:banghead: In the mean time I have a couple of good friends I can talk to and both my sisters are very supportive. And then of course there's my kids who have been my rock and we've helped keep each other sane-ish lol


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What about what really matters? Your boundaries? Your consequences?


----------



## rick31797 (Jul 7, 2014)

I praise you, that you have stuck by your husbands side for 23 yrs, you certainly should feel no guilt at all for being at the end of your rope dealing with his illness all those years..

I am a male and have had Fibromyalgia for 18 yrs, and it is an illness that was life-changing for me and my wife.

I started taking Cymbalta and it helped me mentally feel more positive, but i know others it did nothing for them.

the problem with this illness is not two people are exactly the same, we all have the flue like weakness feeling and the pain, but some have so much more.

Fibro support groups can help some, but i also found listening to all the negative can make you feel worse..

I also try not to be a needy person.. Do you get enough time for yourself.. Can you take a day and go do something with a friend.. there comes a time when you need to look after yourself , and i think you are long overdue...


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Dragonsmiles said:


> Hi all. I am new here. I've been married for almost 23 years. My husband was diagnosed with fibromyalgia just before we married and I've been his carer ever since. He has since been diagnose with osteoarthritis, diverticular disease, permanent double vision, hearing loss, clinical depression and just recently dissociative personality disorder.
> To be frank over the past couple of years I have been struggling to cope with it all and have been considering leaving and it's breaking my heart. My story is long and complicated but 23 years of marriage is a lot to throw away and if there's any chance at all of saving my marriage and my own sanity I'm all ears.


I don't walk in your husband's shoes DS but fibromyalgia doesn't prevent employment. It just limits the options to non-physical jobs. So my question is has your husband been gainfully employed for the past 20 years or so? That's allows 4 years of education which is enough time to be qualified for a non-physical type of job.

If he's been working through this then bravo to him. If not then why is it surprising that he's getting more ailments and is depressed. We are made to be active and sedentary lifestyles aren't healthy. It leads to early disease and depression. And it leads to yet more pills with yet more side affects which require yet more pills.


----------



## rick31797 (Jul 7, 2014)

I hate to break you medical bubble your under Thundarr but you 
obviously no nothing about Fibromyalgia, saying it doesnt prevent any kind of employment...

Do you realize that i had to leave a management job 13 yrs ago because of Fibromyalgia..All i had to do is be there at a desk everyday.
Dont be making comment on something you know nothing about, i have 18 yrs experience with this Damn illness.. you have Zero..

And more more dumb thing you said.. you don't work through Fibromyalgia , it doesn't work that way...

You really owe Fibromyalgia Patients an apology for your ignorance.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Thundarr said:


> I don't walk in your husband's shoes DS but fibromyalgia doesn't prevent employment.


I'm sorry, but educate yourself first before you discuss other people's medical conditions. My DD23 has fibro and she will be lucky to have another 15-20 years of gainful employment before her fibro makes her UNemployable. I try to hide the truth of what her future bodes for her, but it's not pretty. And not curable. And not controllable.


----------



## rick31797 (Jul 7, 2014)

I lasted 5 years on the job before i had to leave, it was very hard to give up, i am not one to give up easy, i had close to 30 yrs into my job...
I went into a depression because of loosing my job and feeling so use-less and all the symptoms , to deal with..

everybody should know what flue weakness is like, how would you like to have that feeling forever.

The burning pain, feels like your skin is on fire..and trying to lay down to sleep can be near impossible..

it also effects my leg muscles so i use a scooter when i need too.

Any ways people should not judge what they know nothing about.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

turnera said:


> I'm sorry, but educate yourself first before you discuss other people's medical conditions. My DD23 has fibro and she will be lucky to have another 15-20 years of gainful employment before her fibro makes her UNemployable. I try to hide the truth of what her future bodes for her, but it's not pretty. And not curable. And not controllable.


me are ejicadid. Thanks though. You're knee jerk reaction was rude and mine was to be rude back but I've changed it (some).

So here's the thing. OP's guy was diagnosed 24 years ago which is enough time to learn a technical trade whether you're offended by the notion or not (maybe he has?).

Biology and human nature: Of course OP's guy is depressed if (and I say if) he's been sedentary and unproductive for all of that time. rick31797 mentioned above that it was despressing for him to leave the work force. Shaming, fussing at, or being angry at me doesn't change that dynamic. It's basic biology and human nature. We are meant to feel like where participating in life and trying to carry our own weight in life.


----------



## rick31797 (Jul 7, 2014)

Thundarr said:


> me are ejicadid. Thanks though. You're knee jerk reaction was rude and mine was to be rude back but I've changed it (some).
> 
> So here's the thing. If chronic pain subsides while setting idle (watching the tele for example) then it'll also go away when setting at a computer screen typing. One of those things can be productive and the other cannot. OP's guy was diagnosed 24 years ago which is enough time to learn a technical trade whether you're offended by the notion or not (maybe he has?).
> 
> So biology and human nature: Of course OP's guy is depressed if (and I say if) he's been sedentary and unproductive for all of that time. rick31797 mentioned above that it was despressing for him to leave the work force. Shaming, fussing at, or being angry at me doesn't change that dynamic. It's basic biology and human nature. We are meant to feel like where participating in life and trying to carry our own weight.



Chronic pain subsides when sitting idle... i really hope for the sake of people with illness you are not in the healthcare profession.
I have never in my life heard such Nonsense, Maybe as you get older you will get some experience with real chronic pain.


----------



## Dragonsmiles (May 22, 2014)

Hey Rick  I've checked out Cymbata and it would interact with some of the other meds he's on unfortunately. The fibromyalgia has been dealable in a lot of ways and over the past 23 years hubby got himself out of the wheelchair, went to college, university, taught voluntarily at St'Andrews university for a year whilst trying to get funding for his Phd. He worked hard in Academia for 16 years, volunteered at the Alcohol advisory service and in the homeless sector, went back to college and did a theatrical performance course and then a counseling course after that. He had to have compulsory counseling whilst doing the course and his mental health took another hard knock. So he's tried so very hard to overcome his disabilities and it's breaking my heart that our marriage and our family have suffered so much damage along the way. I'm waiting on counseling for myself, I am doing stuff for myself and I just feel I'm drawing further away from him. 
I also have fibromyalgia, in fact the last couple of weeks have been physically challenging. I sometimes wonder what we'd do if I let it get the better of me...mmm not feeling too good right now.


----------



## rick31797 (Jul 7, 2014)

Sorry your not doing to good, and its great your husband had that much motivation ,and not just give in to this terrible illness..
It can mentally bring you down if you let it..i have been there, took me a good 2 yrs to get myself out of bed, i had so much fatigue and i suppost depressed..i call it frustration, because i was willing to get help and had seen many doctors only to be insulted by them, remember this was 1996, alot of attitude about this illness has changed.

I also too a course in dealing with chronic pain, it did help alot to understand, how to think more positive and to take each day as it comes , and not to think of the future..

Sleep as you know can be so difficult when i lay down it hurts..pressure pain..
so for me i lay on a heating pad to defer the pain and take a 1/2 of Zopiclone, to keep me from waking up through the night when i do get to sleep. it has help alot.. 

keep fighting , never give up....and hope you have a better day..


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

DD23 first started having symptoms in middle school. I lost count of how many doctors I took her to, only to be told it's in her head, there's nothing wrong with her, the MRIs don't lie, blah blah blah. When she was 17, her pediatrician finally asked us if we'd been to a rheumatologist, and that's when she finally got the real diagnosis. In her case, it hits her hard and sudden; we were out shopping for material yesterday to build her something and just bam! she had to go home. Couldn't stand up anymore, was cross with everyone, couldn't even talk to us, she was in such pain. And she tries to avoid the medicine they offer her because she figures if she gets used to it now, by the time she's 40, nothing will help.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

rick31797 said:


> I have never in my life heard such Nonsense, Maybe as you get older you will get some experience with real chronic pain.


You assume I've never had chronic pain Rick. I have vertebrae and nerve damage from a car accident when I was 19 and it hurt non stop for almost ten years. My right leg is 3/4 inch shorter than my left from the same accident. Between the nerve damage and my messed up stride, I used to limp like a ninety year old man. But I felt like if I quit moving then I wouldn't be able to so I kept on moving even though I hurt. I focused on not moving the wrong way but that didn't always work. 

Look at the trend today where more and more doctors are pushing patients toward pain management and pain therapy instead of just bumping up medications. Seems like the medical community is starting to agree that management is the key so pain is managed as best possible without crippling a person's ability to have a life.

Thank god It diminished but it took a long time. Now my kids are grown so maybe if I still had the same amount of pain, I'd quit my job and let my wife keep working. That just wasn't an option back then because I wanted a wife and kids and I wanted to provide for them.

What I do have now is sense of acomplishment and career that fits me.


----------



## rick31797 (Jul 7, 2014)

Thundarr said:


> You assume I've never had chronic pain Rick. I have vertebrae and nerve damage from a car accident when I was 19 and it hurt non stop for almost ten years. My right leg is 3/4 inch shorter than my left from the same accident. Between the nerve damage and my messed up stride, I used to limp like a ninety year old man. But I felt like if I quit moving then I wouldn't be able to so I kept on moving even though I hurt. I focused on not moving the wrong way but that didn't always work.
> 
> Look at the trend today where more and more doctors are pushing patients toward pain management and pain therapy instead of just bumping up medications. Seems like the medical community is starting to agree that management is the key so pain is managed as best possible without crippling a person's ability to have a life.
> 
> ...



You have to understand that everybody is different, and one person pain is not another persons.
One thing i never knew before getting Fibromyalgia is how many different levels and kinds of pain you can have.
With Fibro, i have 4 different types of pain, not all at once, and one type may be there for a couple days a disappear and then another appears, its cruel and you never know what to expect, like your body is shorting out...

I have two herniated disc in my back and spinal stenosis , and the pain i get from that is a blessing compared to the fibro pain..going on 18 yrs 24/7 , never stops it just changes..
but i can live with it because i have no choice..but you have to be strong mentally..I did work 5 yrs with this illness, but the pain and extreme weakness,the flue like feeling was more then i could take..looking back today, it was 5 years of hell.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Dragonsmiles said:


> Hi all. I am new here. I've been married for almost 23 years. My husband was diagnosed with fibromyalgia just before we married and I've been his carer ever since. He has since been diagnose with osteoarthritis, diverticular disease, permanent double vision, hearing loss, clinical depression and just recently dissociative personality disorder.
> To be frank over the past couple of years I have been struggling to cope with it all and have been considering leaving and it's breaking my heart. My story is long and complicated but 23 years of marriage is a lot to throw away and if there's any chance at all of saving my marriage and my own sanity I'm all ears.


Some of the symptoms of low testosterone is osteoporosis and depression in men. He also has fibromyalgia which, is far more common in women. Has his T levels been checked? 

As a separate issue, the number of diseases he has at an such a young age seems unusual. He may have an unrecognized syndrome with a unifying source. Sometimes medical professional don't talk with each other. Has the possibility of a syndrome been explored or a genetic disorder? Anyone else in his family with multiple medical problems? If someone looked at all of his diseases in aggregate, they might come up with a diagnosis that could be treated or controlled. 

Can you do some leg work? First do a google search of his symptoms. If you can get your insurance to pay, take him to the Cleveland or Mayo Clinic. These institutions are good at looking at the big picture. They also have access to physician's around the word for consultation. I wish you and your husband the best of luck.


----------



## rick31797 (Jul 7, 2014)

About Testosterone therapy.. i have been getting treatment for 6 months..the pills did nothing,the doctor said they are not very effective.. I started getting injections every month and now every 2 weeks..I just started to notice a bit of a difference now..


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

rick31797 said:


> You have to understand that everybody is different, and one person pain is not another persons.
> One thing i never knew before getting Fibromyalgia is how many different levels and kinds of pain you can have.
> With Fibro, i have 4 different types of pain, not all at once, and one type may be there for a couple days a disappear and then another appears, its cruel and you never know what to expect, like your body is shorting out...
> 
> ...


I'm sorry you go through this rick. And sorry you have a loved one going through it as well turnera. Of course each person's pain is immeasurable and therefore incomparable. That's actually the problem. Yes I'm sure there are some whose pain is something I can't comprehend therefore makes me naive to their struggle. 

My reference is broken bones (yea more than just my leg because I was a reckless kid) , nerve damage, appendix rupture, endo pericarditis, kidney stones, and then just normal things. So rick, if you've had ruptured disks or kidney stones then we have a measurable. I can say unquestionably that chronic kidney stone pain would prevent me from working. Anything short of that would instead make me a very angry co-worker but I'd still go (as you did for 5 years).

I think the villain is those who take advantage of an immeasurable rather than you or I.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, you could be like my step-SIL, who won lifetime compensation and not having to work for 'stress' while working for the phone company...meh


----------



## rick31797 (Jul 7, 2014)

Thundarr said:


> I'm sorry you go through this rick. And sorry you have a loved one going through it as well turnera. Of course each person's pain is immeasurable and therefore incomparable. That's actually the problem. Yes I'm sure there are some whose pain is something I can't comprehend therefore makes me naive to their struggle.
> 
> My reference is broken bones (yea more than just my leg because I was a reckless kid) , nerve damage, appendix rupture, endo pericarditis, kidney stones, and then just normal things. So rick, if you've had ruptured disks or kidney stones then we have a measurable. I can say unquestionably that chronic kidney stone pain would prevent me from working. Anything short of that would instead make me a very angry co-worker but I'd still go (as you did for 5 years).
> 
> I think the villain is those who take advantage of an immeasurable rather than you or I.


There are many illness that can prevent you from working, but it also depends on your employment..
A person that is making 80,000 annually, gets sick and cannot preform that job any more, but the companies disability insurance says you may not be able to do that job , but there is no reason you cannot do THIS job, At min wage...How would that feel.....
it would feel like a punishment to me, being sick and then having to start over again financially, and possibly loosing your house because you cannot make the payments..

frequent migraine headaches would make you unemployable , once you start missing too much time at work you are no longer an asset to them.

But i thank you for your kind thoughts.Rick


----------

