# After we JUST discussed this!



## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

Hubby and I are traveling to a football game where his family lives. They can be - difficult - and we have both had such tough days at work this week that last night we discussed that we will take care of ourselves this visit, even if it means not doing what THEY want to do and being overly accommodating. 

So today he calls me and says we'll be staying at sister's house Friday but she said she hoped we could see her daughter who's going to a sleepover Friday before we head to his brother's house Saturday night. I had no idea we were staying at brothers. Hubby had no idea. I assumed we'd stay at sisters house two nights or get a hotel. But brother and sister had it planned without consulting us. And hubby said ok to it. 

Here's the thing - brother's wife NEVER comes to see us and now I have to go there and ooh and aww over her new house and she's too good to come to our house. Only brother and the sons come to see us. She stays at home and goes to the casino. 

So I wrote this down for hubby: I feel unimportant and not considered when you allow others to make travel arrangements for us, especially after we agreed to take care of ourselves and not do what others want us to do. Now I have to ooh and aww over her house and she never comes down here. 

I suppose I'm being petty but the not considering my feelings after we just had the discussion is way bigger than the house thing. I'm pissed!


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

stephscarlett said:


> Hubby and I are traveling to a football game where his family lives. They can be - difficult - and we have both had such tough days at work this week that last night we discussed that we will take care of ourselves this visit, even if it means not doing what THEY want to do and being overly accommodating.
> 
> So today he calls me and says we'll be staying at sister's house Friday but she said she hoped we could see her daughter who's going to a sleepover Friday before we head to his brother's house Saturday night. I had no idea we were staying at brothers. Hubby had no idea. I assumed we'd stay at sisters house two nights or get a hotel. But brother and sister had it planned without consulting us. And hubby said ok to it.
> 
> ...


Just get a hotel for the entire stay.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

hubby would never go for that. I think I'll just tell him that I'll go, I'll ooh and aww, it'll be fine, but if she doesn't come down next summer to see us I will be at the casino the next time he wants to visit his brother...


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

stephscarlett said:


> hubby would never go for that. I think I'll just tell him that I'll go, I'll ooh and aww, it'll be fine, but if she doesn't come down next summer to see us I will be at the casino the next time he wants to visit his brother...


At some point you will have to have it out with your husband or this will never stop. He knows he should not have agreed to the housing arrangements without talking to you first. Put your foot down. And remind him that it is his job to explain HIS lack of discussion with you that caused this mess.

Of course he will be upset. But you cannot expect this pattern of behavior to stop without some pain. It would have been simpler if he's have explained to his family that he and you had made other plans and will be following them.

Push back or there is no end.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

sidney2718 said:


> At some point you will have to have it out with your husband or this will never stop. He knows he should not have agreed to the housing arrangements without talking to you first. Put your foot down. And remind him that it is his job to explain HIS lack of discussion with you that caused this mess.
> 
> Of course he will be upset. But you cannot expect this pattern of behavior to stop without some pain. It would have been simpler if he's have explained to his family that he and you had made other plans and will be following them.
> 
> Push back or there is no end.


I agree. It's going to be a difficult conversation, but ultimately it will strengthen and reinforce your relationship. You guys are a team, and that means working together for the best of the team, and your husband went rogue. 

You'll be stronger if you work together and decide your plans together, and you'll be happier with the outcome.

And next year, get a hotel. Family members might be put out, because they want you to stay with them, but really... a hotel is for the best. It allows you and hubby to visit for as long (or as little) as you like, and then you get to retreat, have some time to yourselves, and decompress, so it's not a 3-day family marathon.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You avoiding conflict with your own husband - and you thus giving in and doing what you don't want - is no better than HIS avoiding conflict with his siblings.

You have to show him that you will respect yourself; only then can he learn to respect you, too.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

I didn't avoid conflict, I talked to him about it and it was ok. He understood. They did have a nice house and I told them so. Hubby thanked me for digging deep and being gracious . It was no deep dig, I felt that they did have a nice house and had no problem saying it. 
However, I did realize that I was jealous, not that they have nice things, but that the women in all his siblings marriage have equal power with their husbands. I did not, mostly financially. My husband is a banker who has total access to all our accounts. He is frugal. I am not. I want to live a certain way. He is petrified of not having enough money. Lately, he has loosened the reigns and this has helped us a lot. 
Lots of revelations during this trip. 

His mom was an obsessive compulsive hoarder. His dad died in the spring and she moved to a new apartment, just up and left all the stuff at the farm. Her apartment is immaculate. Why? Because there is no power struggle between she and Her husband anymore. She wanted a new house. He said no. They lived in a shack and she passive aggressively filled it with crap. He died with an over 1 mil net worth. She bought all new furniture. 
Power struggle, I'm convinced.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, now you're talking about something completely different from before. Are you upset about being scheduled to be at people's houses when you specifically asked not to (being disrespected), or are you having a power struggle with your H over money?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

turnera said:


> Ok, now you're talking about something completely different from before. Are you upset about being scheduled to be at people's houses when you specifically asked not to (being disrespected), or are you having a power struggle with your H over money?


Excellent food for thought. I don't think this is what you think this is about, OP. Or rather, I think your initial post isn't the real issue.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

I realized I WAS in years earlier when we visited but I wasnt upset this time. I was truly glad for them, because things are more equal with us.


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