# New here - would welcome feedback



## Better Future (Jan 18, 2012)

Hi, this is the first time I have posted on a forum.... My username says it: I am hoping there is a better future out there. I have been married for >30 years, got married at 19 to a man 6 years older than me. If I am honest I have never been happy.
We have 2 grown kids who have left home and are happy, independent and well adjusted.
Husband is ADHD (not diagnosed) and depressed (diagnosed). He has messed up his career and is miserable, lonely, and impossible to be with. He sits and stares at a computer screen all day, works only minimally, and we have almost no relationship.
I am the breadwinner - have a senior executive position in a large corporation.
There is so much wrong with our marriage (not new), including infidelity on both sides - which we sort of got over.
Now at age 53, I am waking up and saying "Isn't there a better future out there?".
I care about him, want to be supportive, but feel that I have no life except work and family.
We are seriously considering separation.
I'd welcome any feedback as I am so alone in this.
Thank you


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

Everyone deserves to be happy. These are the only words that keep me going. I deserve it, my H deserves it........We only have this one time on earth. We've gotta make it our best! Especially for someone that has given up so much for so long. 
Be happy!! Just because your marriage ends, doesn't mean you both have to be negative about it. So many people think that a marriage ending is a horrible thing. If you both aren't happy, maybe it needs to be over. Maybe his depression will go away too, ya never know! You two may be able to be good friends - you've been in each others lives for so long, it doesn't have to be a bad split.


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## Better Future (Jan 18, 2012)

Thank you for the upbeat response, NotSoSureYet! I really hope that is true. I am so unhappy in this marriage but can imagine a situation where we would be good friends and be each others family for ever..... But we both deserve to feel love!
What is your story?
What are you not sure about?


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

I have an aunt and uncle that were married for 25 years, then got divorced. Ever since then, they have been great friends. They love each other, just aren't "in love" and I really don't think they ever were. It works out great though. They do things now that they never did before together! 
What I'm "NotSoSureYet" about is if I really want to try and fix my marriage or not anymore. Married 5 yrs, have 1 child. He always had all his buddies, and then I had an EA. I realized that I wasn't to him what he was to me. And that doesn't feel good at all. So I quit trying to show him, I quit trying to do everything, etc. I look back now and realize it was never right from the beginning. I have tried to get back on track, there's just so many negatives that I don't even want to deal with anymore! I am a very happy person - that is until we are together. Then I'm just stressed! We've been 'working on it' for almost a year now. And I am just tired now.


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## Better Future (Jan 18, 2012)

I really think we could be like your aunt and uncle. Right now my H seems incapable of feeling any joy. I completely understand what you are saying about being a happy person until you are with your H. It is the same for me. I am completely different when I am with him, and when I am not. It is so tiring to try and "fix" someone, maybe it is just better to leave? I don't know, if you have a young child it must be so much harder for you. but then you are younger too and have your whole life ahead, being miserable must not be an option for you, you have a right to be happy, as do we all
Hugs


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

Sometimes people just grow apart. And then there are other times people just grow out of love with each other.

My advice to you is that maybe you and your husband need some time away from each other...to either appreciate the good things you found in each other in the beginning..or to find out that those things really don't matter anymore.

Sounds like you and your husband have been together for many years and it's no longer working. Maybe you're going through a rough path and need more communication. 

You could try counseling if both of you care enough about the relationship to make it work.

Sometimes though, as I mentioned earlier..couples just grow apart and there's nothing wrong with that. It just happens.

Take some time apart from each other and see what happens. Hopefully in missing each other you'll find the love you thought you'd lost.

It takes two and sometimes, even IF you've been together for many years..if it stops working and it won't work anymore..it's time to move on, as hard as it may be.

And sometimes, when the two of you move on rather than stay in a dead end relationship...you really CAN become friends.

Stay positive honey and stay strong!!


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## Better Future (Jan 18, 2012)

memyselfandi - great post, thank you. Everything you say is true. H and I could be good friends and partners in parenting etc, but we are not good partners in love and marriage. If I am very honest, I don't LIKE him as a love partner, am not in any way attracted to him, and don't want to be with him. It doesn't get clearer than that, does it?
Yet still - it is SO hard to end a 30+ year marriage.....


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You dont mention counselling. It seems your mind is already made up. I would mention one thing. Your post is very similar to many on here. I am sure you H wasnt always like this. A wife has to share some of the blame if he becomes like this. She should have been supportive when he needed her. It seems to be the case that since they have their own career they dont think its necessary. But they still feel guilty about it.


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