# I think I only want one child...long post, sorry



## flyingmonkey (Jul 25, 2011)

Hi Everyone,

I'm new to this forum, and I came here to try to get some new perspectives...

A little about me...I'm 29, married for almost a year but we've been together 7 years and living together for 3. 

When we started dating we were turning 22, and at that time the thought of kids seemed a million years away. Early in our relationship we talked about how many kids we wanted, and we both thought 2 was a good number. 

I've never been the girl who wanted to grow up and have kids. I've always waited for that maternal feeling to come to me, and although recently I've started to feel warmer towards children and the idea of having children, it still isn't something I'm yearning for. I don't know what my defect is, but for some reason when I think about kids, I think about the sacrifices I'll have to make in my career, personal life, marriage, finances...and that all this is doubled with more than one child.

Anyway, I do know that I want one child at least. And that I want to start trying soon although I'm scared to death of how life will change. If anyone has advice to offer me by the end of this, please don't tell me to wait longer...I feel I'm about as ready as I'll ever be at this point and every year that goes by is another year between myself and my future child. My parents were 16 when they had me, so I've enjoyed the blessings of having young parents and young grandparents. Knowing my future kid won't know what this is like is hard for me, and I want to try to be around for my child as long as I possibly can-- which means the longer I wait, the less time I'll have for my child.

So I guess my real problem right now is that my husband and I disagree on how many children to have. I am comfortable with the thought of one, and would be willing to have two depending on how long it takes to conceive the first, and how I adjust to one child. He is set on having two, and although he has agreed to see how the first one goes, I feel it's a reluctant agreement and that I'm disappointing him with how I feel. We had one terrible fight during our engagement where he told me that he "went into this thinking we'd have 2 kids", and although we talked that out, I still hear those words and feel terrible about myself and resentful to him too.

On top of it, when people ask me about kids I tell them honestly that I feel I might only want one...and inevitably I get the lectures about how I don't really only want one and that I'll change my mind once I have one, and that I'd never do that to my child because every child needs a sibling. I end up feeling like I'm a bad mother and I don't even have a kid yet. I have brothers and love them more than life, and that definitely makes me sometimes think I'll have 2 kids whether I want to or not...But I'm so sick and tired of the judgements from people, and people telling me how many kids are right for me. I don't know what it's like to have one child...How do I know that I want two and what makes everyone else an expert on what I want when I don't even know for sure??

So I guess I don't know really what I'm hoping for by posting...I guess maybe I need some space to vent. There's other issues too, about resentment and sacrifice that I feel I've made in this relationship so far, and how I feel that the kid issue might end up the same and I'll have two kids for the sake of being a supportive partner and a good wife. I just feel stuck, and very alone in this whole thing, and I don't know how to handle it. Talking to my husband hasn't really helped, because in the end he wants what he wants, and I still want what I want. I can't get him to want one child any more than he can get me to want two...And I don't think meeting in the middle and having one and a half kids is an appropriate compromise  

Sorry this is a novel..What a way to introduce myself to a new forum...


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

flyingmonkey said:


> There's other issues too, about resentment and sacrifice that I feel I've made in this relationship so far, and how I feel that the kid issue might end up the same and I'll have two kids for the sake of being a supportive partner and a good wife. I just feel stuck, and very alone in this whole thing, and I don't know how to handle it


This paragraph sums up your whole problem. This isn't about how many kids you'll have. Your needs aren't being met and you aren't being heard. I'm curious as to what those "other issues" are.

Until you fix those do not have ANY kids.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I wouldn't worry about anyone else's judgement on how many kids you have. Your marraige, your life, your parental responsibilty, all between you & your husband. 

I will say , speaking from being an only child, I hated this, I used to be envious of my friends growing up with siblings and just about drove my mother crazy for personal attention. So she often had to take on another kid (she might as well of had 2) or let me go somewhere else to play to have a little peace.

I found little joy in playing alone, until I started reading books. 

I think the more children you have, almost the easier it is (except financially & with food prices) They may *fight* with each other, but they also *play* with each other, *help* around the house, maybe a little less dependent on you. 

But until you have one, no sense of thinking of #2. In due time , you will know what you & your husband want to do.


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## Soupnutz (Jul 6, 2011)

I agree with the above poster about fixing your issues first. But about having the kids themselves, screw what other people think.

We have three right now, 8 yo girl, 6yo girl, and a 3yo boy. I'm 32, wife is 34. We werent ready when we had the first and she was on the pill. Having one was good, we both had jobs, and had plans for what we were going to do with her, classes we were going to put her in, had it planne dout how we were going to start saving for her college. then she got pregnant again, still on birth control.

Wife was really depressed, she thought it was unfair for the oldest because we wouldn't have as much time and money for her. But on the other hand it would be good to have a sister, (two girls are a handful, they fight over everything). After the second, the wife quit her job to be a stay at home mom. Funny thing is, we stopped using birth control after that and went the longest period we'd had since marriage without a pregnancy. The third was the boy that my wife badly wanted. Afterwards I got a vasectamy.

Now with three and my wife still staying at home, we pay for a class each for the oldest and the middle one, not much goes into the college fund anymore and grandma pays for some classes that she thought they would be interested in. Speaking of that, when you have kids don't feel that you have to keep them too busy, you'll kill yourself in the process. We have piano class monday, girlscouts tuesday, martial arts wednesday, cooking class thursday and ballet on Saturday, and this is before the 3yo gets involved in anything. So much individual stuff, we don't have a lot of family time.

You just have to decide what's best for you and your situation. I'm glad we had ours in a 5 year group like we did though, in a few more years we will have a live in babysitter, giving me and the wife more time together. And "hopefully" they'll all be out of the house by the time we're 50 and still young enough to enjoy each other fully.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

The W and I only have 1, and man, she is really something else-I wouldn't trade this for anything.

I, too, would get people asking me how many I had, and when told only 1, would get the follow-ups, "When are you going to have more?", "Won't she be lonely?", "You'll want more-you'll see."

When told that we will NOT have anymore, then some would make the mistake of asking "Isn't that selfish?", to which i would reply, loud enough for all around to hear:

"Not as selfish as pinheads who ask questions about things that are none of their business so that they can feel better about themselves."

Funny, but no one would ever ask me those types of questions again.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I am a twin, born on our mother's birthday right after Christmas. All of my life I had to share. I chose to have one child. I just wanted one thing of my own, I guess! I have never regretted the choice of one, as we have had an incredible 21 years. (the 3 of us) 

~sammy


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