# Engage or not engage with stbxw



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I probably know the answer to this one and if I'm right, I guess it's me just venting. My kids returned after the holidays from their mom's. They spent a several days with her. Upon returning I noticed a few clothes missing. I sent her an email and part of it was about the clothes. I approached it as unconfrontational as I could. Just said I understood that the luggage was full and there probably wasn't any room. But since I just purchased the new clothes could she return them in the mail. If not just let me know and I can work something out. She has gone ballistic with this. She has repeatedly said she didn't want to cause trouble. She will mail them or she can purchase new clothes and send those in the mail. She even took pictures of the clothes and attached it to the email. It was only a few clothes as it turns out. Still I can tell she has become very agitated and is defensive. One of the biggest challenges in our relationship. She does not like any criticism even if it's constructive. Thing is I tried to not make a big deal out of it. Should I reply with a short response (again)in regards to my option of the clothes being mailed? Should I not waste my time trying to explain I meant no problems,etc?
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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

You can always take the high road and stay there in your conversations. If she responds in a way that tries to pull you down, don't play. If you play, you give her control over you. Neither of you should be in control. You should behave equally.

All easier said than done.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

No, dont respond. That will add fuel to her fire. Just wait for her to send the clothes.
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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

smile, ignore it. she's melting down.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I would either not respond or just give a very brief reply like, "Thank you for mailing the clothes when you get the opportunity" without commenting on her outburst or engaging her further. No need to try and explain that you didn't mean to cause problems. You have every right to make sure the kids have all their stuff, your stbxw is trying to get a reaction from you. Any reaction is better than no reaction. In her eyes, getting a reaction means you still care if she seems offended. But for her to act offended when you're only making sure the kids have their clothes is silly. If I asked my in-laws if anything got left behind after an overnight visit, they would not take it as me accusing them of thieving. She's overreacting, so best for you not to react.
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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

No response necessary. Better to feed her lack of contact and personal introspection. I call this the "Cheating worm". It just eats away at the mind of the WS. Like some worm. Let her experience its full weight. Do not aid her, or comfort her. Maintain your distance and offer her no advice. Let the worm feed. If she breaks down, it will because of her decisions. She may then, finally, accept responsibility.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I haven't responded.But I was planning on responding very similar to Saffron's advice.
But now I've received another email saying thank you. You see I helped fix a mistake she made recently. She just found out my help saved her a good bit of $$. So she sent me some $$ saying to treat myself with smiley faces at the end. One minute agitated with me, the next being nice.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

That's a nice finish. Keep the nice things, discard the rest.

Well done!


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Saffron's right on the money.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

For me, I don't mind too much if my son's clothes all end up at her house, because they belong to my child... however it does get frustrating when she sends him to me in small, outdated or ratty clothes, so I usually make a point to not send him back in his nicer stuff. However if he ends up going in a nice new article of clothing I bought him and I never see it again, I don't make it a big deal.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Lon said:


> For me, I don't mind too much if my son's clothes all end up at her house, because they belong to my child... however it does get frustrating when she sends him to me in small, outdated or ratty clothes, so I usually make a point to not send him back in his nicer stuff. However if he ends up going in a nice new article of clothing I bought him and I never see it again, I don't make it a big deal.


Wow Lon. You're a swell guy. Thing is, my stbxw lives thousands of miles away. So if I spend good money on clothes I expect the kids to have and wear them before they grow out if them. And I just asked for them to be returned nicely.
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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Well you are in your rights to ask that of her, and in your circumstance agree with you that if you are sending a suitcase of your kids' stuff it should be coming back with them... if she sends them back without any of their clothes what are they to wear? In my case its more a matter of sending him to her each week with one good outfit he has from me then him coming back with something he has outgrown or just simply isn't nice. I don't mind because it guarantees that he always has decent wardrobe (and one which his daddy has bought!) no matter which home he is at.

Anyhow I think you did good addressing your concern to her, and it shows from her response.


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