# Cross gender friendship boundaries



## meson (May 19, 2011)

Does anybody here have cross gender friendships that work? If so what boundaries do you and your spouse set on them? Riverside MFT had an interesting post that included a discusion of boundries:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/27583-preventing-affair.html



> 3) Set Appropriate Boundaries. Affairs often start off as an innocent friendship with a co-worker, with someone from facebook, or working together with a member of the opposite sex in some way or another. When couples have boundaries, it is much more difficult to even have that innocent friendship let alone allowing that friendship to progress into an affair. Here are some ideas for appropriate boundaries:
> • Never be alone with someone of the opposite sex. This includes avoiding lunch with an opposite sex co-worker by yourself if at all possible. Do not ride with them alone in a car. Do not be with them alone in a house (or especially a hotel).
> • Do not do anything online that you wouldn’t do in person. For example, if you wouldn’t enter into a private room with a person in real life, don’t do it online.
> • Read my post on Facebook and Boundaries.
> ...



My boundaries are:
Include spouse in as many activities with friend as possible
Say nothing that you can't say in front of your spouse
No bad talking about either spouse
Minimize alone time
No touching
Don't communiate with them more than your same gender friends or your spouse (includes talk, phone, text, FB etc.)


There are lots of stories here about cross gender friendships that have crossed the line and failed. Many posters flat out refuse cross gender friendships for themselves and their spouse and I understand the reasons. It is playing with fire. But there is such a thing as fire gloves. So I want to know how many have been able to make them work and what kind of fire gloves you have worn.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I found that female friends are my kryptonite so my boundaries are going to be much stronger now than for others.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> I found that female friends are my kryptonite so my boundaries are going to be much stronger now than for others.


Perhaps I'm foolish but I'm looking for the lead for the kryptonite. It's been a part of our marriage from the begining and only recently have I discovered how dangerous it can be. The problem is that both my wife and I get along better with opposite sex friends. I guess our inclinations are one of the things that bring us together. Everything that is worthwhile has risk. Marriage is a risk for that matter. The goal for me is to minimize risk while not giving up those friendships each of us has.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I can handle them fine. And I'm not talking about ex-lovers that I am now 'friends' with (like my H!) I mean, people I met that are friends and are just friends, like more than acquaintances.

H has shown he can not handle 'friends'. He does not have any female friends that he is not attracted to sexually or has not 'done' sexually. What's more, I cannot trust him to be around my female friends, even, or my son's female friends or babysitters. He sees and treats all women except his sisters and mother as sex objects. Even ladies he works with. Old ladies, older teenagers, doesn't matter. The one exception seems to be overweight ladies, but even then his OW is (as he described it), 'fat'. So there's no telling there. I'd say the chances of H being able to handle a female friend are pretty much zilch. The ones he has called 'friends' have been ex-f*ck partners, and dumped him. I just do not see a friendship there and in fact he was probably pestering them or playing them in some way. Who knows what he told OW about me in order to get her sympathy and attention. Ugh.

Whereas, I have male friends who do not treat me that way. I am sure I have been the subject of fantasy for some of them, but when I am with them we do not talk about or discuss that as it is a by-product of male-ness that they have to handle on their end. For my part, I do not flirt. I get it that men cannot control having sexual thoughts about a woman, but I also get it that for some men the benefits of a friendship outweigh the effort required to be friends. They know that any intentional remarks in that direction will end the friendship. I like that my time and presence is valued to that degree, and I have chosen people for my friends, who truly are friends. It's odd, but the only friends I have had to cut it off with for inappropriate behavior, have been WOMEN, and the behavior has been very bad and troubling. I have cut off one male friend who crossed the boundary once, something he said about how I was looking, that just struck me wrong. So I let that friendship end. Which was sad, but necessary. He did have other attributes and experience that I enjoyed. But I sensed possible complications and so shelved him.

I was in the military and grew up with brothers and male cousins and there were mostly boys on our block. It struck me sometimes that the neighborhood boys were much, much nicer to me than my brothers. Also in school I had boys choose me for lab partners. For my work, not my body. I played trumpet. For all that, I enjoy being feminine. I like having an H and not a same-sex partner. But I find that women, because they have children and try to juggle so much, are often not as good as men at actually getting out to play or finding the time to talk about a movie. When men do activities, they typically do it to do the activity, not to 'meet people', not for 'self-improvement', to do the activity.

I like to rock climb. Mostly I took it up because my H rock climbs. But I do like it and will do it without him given the chance because it's an awesome sport, different from many others, requires teamwork and safety planning and awareness, and self-confidence. It is fun. It is really a male-dominated sport for the most part if you want to go climbing there are going to be a lot of men around. I don't pretty up and go heavy on the bug spray and sweat a lot and when you have to pee you excuse yourself and go around the corner and pee in the bushes. To a man who is climbing, all they want is a good steady trustworthy belay partner who is not going to drop them to their death. And will speak up when something is not right with the tie-in or they need encouragement. Which is pretty much what a woman needs.

So, I told my H he cannot climb with any woman who would not be okay with me joining them on a climb or coming home to dinner after the climb or stopping by before the climb. I guess that rules out the ex-f*ck partner he suddenly wanted to climb with out of the blue! (Not sure she was really an ex during that time, or that he was not in contact with her...because how do you know someone wants to climb with you unless you've talked to them? Duh!!!!). But if I get a chance to climb with some guy I've met while out climbing with H, and introduced by H to the guy, who is local and my H is in Kuwait or otherwise not available to climb, why should I have to sit at home like some Muslim woman and forego the opportunity. At any crag there are going to be men, even if I go with a woman that's even worse, because then there are two women there instead of me and a guy and the other guys will hit up on me and use stupid male climbing tricks like asking for belay or chalk or time or to use our rope/swap ropes (and partners too!) Or I go to the Y to indoor climb and guess who is there? Two guys who work there and they say well you are the only one showed up, climb with us we are going to work out? 

Geez, I get my car maintained and my grass mowed and my driveway plowed and pick up my mail, any one of those men could hit on me. I can trust my male friends not to. 

For some people, opportunity is ALWAYS there and yet, they do not cross the line. It is ingrained in their personality traits and behavior. Permanently. 

I don't make dates typically with men. Climbing is an exception. But if another person shows up man or woman, it makes no difference to me. One guy I ice climbed with, I climbed also with his wife who decided to come along. I was glad she could come as she is a great climber and I liked her personality. Three is not always a crowd, it's more of a party climbing and less responsibility/pressure than if there are only two people climbing, espcially if ice climbing, so you get a chance to warm up your hands and it takes longer to take a pee break. You can never have a break either you are belay or you are climbing. That's why a woman climber who objected to me climbing with her and my H would be a lying cheat only wanting to be alone with him. Not about climbing. My H can also easily find a guy to climb with. He does not need to climb with a woman. 

If I am at work and someone wants to watch a movie with me, I wouldn't say no. My guy coworkers know I am married and that I also take the time to watch movies a lot after work. They talk to me about them when I come out, too. They are actually interested in what I think about the movie, not hitting me up. 

I don't spend loads of time with female friends so perhaps this is why it makes no difference to me male or female. I would not purposely go out with a male friend for dinner though I have run into a guy acquaintance when getting a taco in a small cafe and when invited sat down to chat and eat before dance class. I would refuse a dinner invitation unless it was with a mixed group largely devoid of couples and with shared interests. i.e. meet new people/fill in the ranks situation. 

My first job I would go to the NCO club with my boss and the other guys in the office after work Fridays. The club manager told me I couldn't be in the NCO room, but my coworkers explained I am better off in there with them as a female guest than out in the other area where the single male airmen will give me a hard time and hit on me. So they supervised my 'club' time. Always at base-wide recreation events, the older male NCO's looked out for me. So I have a good experience with men who are decent human beings and will defend a woman who is their friend and not contribute to ruining my reputation. 

When I was more careful about avoiding men, and got promotions at work, the irony is that everyone thought I was doing my boss. And all the time I never saw any male friends or kept in touch with them, but went to the gym and work and to do groceries, my H said he thought I was cheating on him. So I'm not going to forego my male friends because when I did I got punished for cheating anyway, even though I didn't and never even thought of it (and my H was!, and lying about it!)

Plus, if my H doesn't straighten up, maybe I will have a better pool of men to choose my next H from. People who are actually my FRIENDS and ACT LIKE IT.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

I see what you mean. If you are with someone and they push the boundaries then be wary and cut them off if it escalates at all. Like you said a real friend will act like a friend. However one of the problems I have is that I am not good at detecting flirting directed at me. My wife has pointed out several instances where in retrospect she was probably right but when I'm talking with them I just don't see it. I guess I need to make the flirt radar more sensitive.

You hit the nail on the head with climbing. Around here it is about 50-50 male female so if you climb with random people you will be climbing with opposite sex partners especially in the gym. I didn't address it specifically but my wife doesn't climb and about half of my partners are women. I invite my wife along to meet them every so often. I want my wife to see who it is that I am spending time with so that she is comfortable. One of my partners invited me sailing and I said sure, if my wife could come and without hesitation the answer was yes. My wife got along with her real well and that was great. 



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> It's odd, but the only friends I have had to cut it off with for inappropriate behavior, have been WOMEN, and the behavior has been very bad and troubling. I have cut off one male friend who crossed the boundary once, something he said about how I was looking, that just struck me wrong. So I let that friendship end. Which was sad, but necessary.


It's interesting that you mention this. One of my friends has a woman who is obsessed with her and is trying to figure out how to deal with it. I guess the thing to do is cut them off. 



> When men do activities, they typically do it to do the activity, not to 'meet people', not for 'self-improvement', to do the activity.


That is correct for me with climbing. It is about the cllimbing more than other aspects. I do see that at the gym that there are groups of men that are on the hunt. They will actually flirt with my partners when I am high up on the wall and think I can't hear them. I kind of learned that with the single women I am with I need to disapear at times to let them meet people they may be interested in. You are so right about the stupid climbing tricks. The most frequent one I see is the guy going for the floor loop to reach around to the belay loop (missing slightly) to anchor them down. This is of course followed by a little lecture on weight difference in the belay with lots of body talk. Nevermind that she has been holding me fine all evening.



> I don't pretty up and go heavy on the bug spray and sweat a lot and when you have to pee you excuse yourself and go around the corner and pee in the bushes. To a man who is climbing, all they want is a good steady trustworthy belay partner who is not going to drop them to their death. And will speak up when something is not right with the tie-in or they need encouragement. Which is pretty much what a woman needs.


Yes, someone who is too coordinated is not as much interested climbing as something else. My wife is satisfied that I am sufficently boring with the same climbing clothes that I wear all the time. And I most importantly want a good climber who is interested in both of us getting up and over the problems safely.



> So, I told my H he cannot climb with any woman who would not be okay with me joining them on a climb or coming home to dinner after the climb or stopping by before the climb.


I abide by this. In additon my wife has veto power over women I climb with. She has only exercised it once and I respected it. I was surprised but it made sense.




> I would not purposely go out with a male friend for dinner though I have run into a guy acquaintance when getting a taco in a small cafe and when invited sat down to chat and eat before dance class. I would refuse a dinner invitation unless it was with a mixed group largely devoid of couples and with shared interests. i.e. meet new people/fill in the ranks situation.


Yes, going out just for dinner is too much like a date. Though I do this with male friends I wouldn't do this with female friends and my wife wouldn't agree to it. Though she has no problems with picking up a bite after an activity though.



> People who are actually my FRIENDS and ACT LIKE IT.


Yes, this is the point. The climbing stuff I have down. It's the non-activity or kid activity based situations where I need to really apply this. This is where I got into trouble.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

meson: thanks for your input on climbing. It is good to know that I am in the clear on this. And with H's choice of climbing partners as well, etc.

You could get the book 'Not Just Friends'. But also have your W read it and since she is usually right about stuff, you can feel comfortable explaining situations to her. Even doing some role-modeling so you can get responses down to women who try to trip you up conversationally or otherwise. I don't want to be sexist but when a man is hitting on a woman it is fairly obvious. But when a woman is trying to get a man into her trap, she can work on it for months or even years with increasing stalking behavior, building up 'proof' of a relationship or even building up a relationship that doesn't exist or is one-sided in her head only. Not a crush. That is when the woman is aware of the crush and keeps it like that. You need to allow women to have safe crushes on you, that is okay. I don't mind if a woman has a crush on my H and openly admires him and tells me. I LIKE that. But not when H uses it to go off on side diversions or inappropriate fantasies. Or when the woman tries to hide it from me and maneuver H into 'situations' where they have a 'thing' going, some inside joke or something like that and uses it to shove me off to the side or alienate me. You have to put a stop to women when they pull those tricks. Just like unsafe guy friends if they do something rude to you or threaten the stability of your day to day life. 

I am taking a top-rope/anchor building/sport-clipping class this summer so I have more options with climbing. The thing with women climbers though or women-based anything, is a woman can hit on me too. It's been done, and it came as a surprise. And I had done all sorts of things with this woman - dancing, fishing, hanging out...and did not even realize I was on dates! LOL.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Good advice Homemaker. Going through the book with my wife would keep us on the same page and educate me. My wife worked on me for months before I even considered dating her so she is an example of the strategic workup. 

You should have fun with sport lead and outdoor top rope. This level leaves the casual climbers behind and you will find the climbers that do this are more dedicated to climbing itself. For me Trad puts it all together, the outdoors, route finding, protection and commitment level.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

meson said:


> Good advice Homemaker. Going through the book with my wife would keep us on the same page and educate me. My wife worked on me for months before I even considered dating her so she is an example of the strategic workup.
> 
> You should have fun with sport lead and outdoor top rope. This level leaves the casual climbers behind and you will find the climbers that do this are more dedicated to climbing itself. For me Trad puts it all together, the outdoors, route finding, protection and commitment level.


Your wife is definitely your best resource then. Plus she knows all the things that trip you up, because when she sees you do them it probably leaves a huge impression on her. Ouch!

I have been multi-pitch and following trad up comfy up to 5.8 with that stiff New Hampshire and Adirondacks grades, and up to 5.10 single-pitch. So when I say I am a good belay I mean outdoors, belaying for lead climber doing things like flipping rope around things that could cut it or add extra sudden length on a fall, knowing to play out rope rather than pull it in when lead climber falls and is going to land on a ledge he just committed off of...so he can jump back off the ledge and go on slab and run backwards to avoid injury...how to take down an anchor, monitor/advise climbers on routes next to us, or below us..and so forth. Just that I have only done this with my H and since he can be abusive and rude it is not always fun to climb with him. I want to climb and see how I do when I'm not being critized or compared to his ex gf climbing partners or other woman climbers, etc. I don't want to be dependent on him for climbing. He tried to get the MC to make me agree not to ever do anything with any men by myself. Which is bull because I didn't cheat and now he's trying to make it so I can't climb and that unless he goes to dance with me I can't dance either. Next I will be barred from internship in an office where there is only one person the male boss, or not allowed to go to the dump or the PO because only men are there. So forget that. 

I went climbing yesterday with a guy and it was just fine. Guy knows my H too. And has other women climbing friends who are married/partnered. I mean, come on, everyone wants to climb with a woman sometimes, we do definitely have a different style and there is something to be learned from watching a woman climb. Which is the other (valid) reason why a guy would prefer to be lowered before belaying. Because they really do want to see how you managed that reachy dicey spread-leg move at 5'1" - with no grunting - that they struggled with at 6'3", lead climb aside. With 5% of your body weight in gear hanging from your butt. 

This thread has been timely because I was really struggling with having to agree to this no-man-friend request. I think it's ridiculous and just an attempt at my H to control me via depriving me of a sport that he does not want me to do because so far he has been in control of it. I think he's a bit jealous because I went out ice climbing last winter and found out I am good at it. The last thing he wants to hear from his climbing buddies is that I climb better without him around giving me advice. 

Well, whatever. I am signing up for some climbs with a group in the fall. I'll sign him up too and just inform him. He can go if he likes, if not it will open up a space for a wait-lister. He is going to have to climb with me on my terms in a supervised group with people I trust before I go anywhere with him, even to the crag. Multi-pitch is out of the question with him at the moment because of the way he's treated me in the past. They guy I went climbing with yesterday, I would do multi-pitch with, up to 5.7. I would do multi-pitch with my H, just not alone. With our history, I do not think I would be okay belaying him, because if he had an accident, there would be an investigation and I would be under suspicion, on account of his affair and the abuse and so forth. So he has pretty much ruined that scenario, even if I did feel like I could trust him, my goose is cooked so far as belaying for him without witnesses for a few years. Just remember, it wasn't me who created this mess. But no self-respecting intelligent person is going to belay someone who has cheated on them, because accidents do happen. I would really hate to be in the situation of having to be investigated or held on charges for another something else I didn't do, because of my H's stupid choices.

I will have to explain the rock climbing thing to the MC, so she can see what is going on with regard to husband's request for me not to do anything with any other guy, especially rock climbing. I have also volunteered as a ski hut manager in the past, and will continue. I do sometimes run into guy friends and ski with them, but not the one whose wife gets mad. I even refused a ski to the top of a mountain nearby because I didn't want her to be angsty, I like her but she is insecure and so go overboard to avoid that guy. Kind of bad cause he likes to climb rock, and ice, too. And has a son my son's age and they are friends. So I do self-censor and sometimes not to my best advantage either. It hurts when I have to do that, personally, but it is better for my marriage and reputation and also friends' relationship at home. That is what is important. More than a friendship. Friends' home lives.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I think that friendships with the opposite sex boil down to two simple things: transparency and consistency.

No matter who you're friends with, but especially with the opposite sex, I think that you shouldn't do or say things that you wouldn't want your spouse to know about or participate in and that their presence should always be acceptable. 

I also think that your friendships should be relatively consistent. If you're treating female friends significantly different than your male friends, then there's a problem. Obviously friendships are different and what you talk to the woman in the cubicle next to you at work is probably different from the conversations with the guy on the bowling team....but if you're always buying when you're out with one and not the other, or having deep emotional conversations with one, when that's really not your style with other friends, then things are off. Being touchy-feely--anytime things like this are with one person instead of a pattern of your behavior with pretty much all people...it's a red flag.

I can say that I haven't ever really worried about rules when it comes to hanging out with guys, but mostly because I always have. And it's never been a problem because they generally have always welcomed and included my boyfriends and now my husband and because other than basic courtesy--opening doors, offering chairs or whatever--they've never treated me any differently than anyone else in the group. Okay, one of them did carry me everywhere we went together for a month or so ages ago. But he owed me. It was after he cracked my rib playing roller hockey  He still feels kind of bad about that and I will occasionally play on that to get the last good beer!  His wife thinks it's hilarious, in fact and will help me guilt trip him about his terrible abuses against me :smthumbup: 

But seriously, when they don't want your spouse around, you feel awkward telling your spouse about something that was said or happened or whatever and if you're treating them differently or they're treating you differently than other people around you--those are the red flags, the rest is just hanging out.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> I also think that your friendships should be relatively consistent. If you're treating female friends significantly different than your male friends, then there's a problem.


I think this is true and for the most part I am consistent. But there is one where I do act a bit different. I should take take Homemakers advice:



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> So I do self-censor and sometimes not to my best advantage either. It hurts when I have to do that, personally, but it is better for my marriage and reputation and also friends' relationship at home. That is what is important. More than a friendship. Friends' home lives.


This is helping me see more clearly.

@Homemaker, Climbing with a spouse can be difficult even in a good relationship. I know some couples that don't climb together much even though they both climb. This to avoid the little spats that can arise which distract from the climb. Especially when the climbing level and expectations is different between the them. Distractions are a problem and can lead to accidents like Lynn Hill's years ago. It sounds like your H brings this to a climb.

For me getting back into climbing was returning to who I was when and before I was married. My wife saw the return of my old self and she welcomed it. It improved our marriage. This allows her to accept that sometimes I spend a day or a weekend with a woman at times. I still mostly climb with men (about 60/40 split) but it is about finding who is available at my experience level at any given time more than climbing with a particular sex and she knows this. It sounds like your H is bringing the knowledge of his behavior and assuming that its not about the climbing. This makes me think that your H will never accept your climbing until your marriage issues are worked out and there is more trust between you. Your idea of going in groups is good because it allows him to participate and get used to your climbing and build some trust. Good Luck!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Thanks.
I do question my climbing partners.
Even out the other day, my partner was telling me my figure 8 was wrong.
But it turned out it wasn't.
I just teased him telling me he was testing me.
Last year I asked a question about how a safety backup was going to work on a top rope. Climbing with kids so important to have a backup in case they decide to unclip the anchors. Turned out it wasn't going to work at all.
Lynn Hill - At least she wrote about her bad choice. 
There is following, and there is following. 
In ballroom dance, if the guy loses his lead, you don't cover for him.
You just stay put, let him make the correction.
Bad dancers cover for their partners.
I'm learning a lot from ballroom dance!

But, here I am. 
Now emotionally healthy according to the psychologists but got my Trouble too. I did notice my climbing is wayyyyyy better when Trouble is not around.


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## Pilot (Mar 7, 2011)

I believe opposite sex friendships can work if both individuals are very careful with their boundaries.With me, it didn't work very well at all and has certainly caused much more heartache than it is worth. My advice is to be very careful with this type of relationship.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

heartsbreaking said:


> They hadn't met up outside the course at that stage. He told her they could meet for coffee (I'd reluctantly agreed this was fine) but he wouldn't be going to drinks with her because he was married. I'd said to him if she really only wanted friendship, she would understand this and be fine with coffee. Needless to say, she was annoyed. They didn't have contact after that.


And for me any first meeting outside of an activity where you met should allow for the spouse to join in because you are a couple. And this sends that messages stronger than a statement ever does.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I kept it pretty simple.

The only rare time a male was in my house when stbx wasn't was when it was someone he completely trusted, or the time we had a male room mate. people that were also HIS friends and still to this day are his best of friends.

I also was never alone with a guy in a room for more than 10 minutes. if stbx got up and went in the other room and didn't come back for a few, I'd get up and go find him.

I didn't go places with male friends without hubs heck, I rarely would sit next to them on the couch.

Ive always been more apt to have male friends over female friends, and any of my actual female friends are the same way. 

For stbx, I just kept any male social activity to times spent socializing with him also unless as mentioned, it was pre-approved so to speak.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

meson said:


> And for me any first meeting outside of an activity where you met should allow for the spouse to join in because you are a couple. And this sends that messages stronger than a statement ever does.


Agreed and good point. Actually this is a good reminder to myself - to take my own advice. He had another female friend he met through work (he actually doesn't have many people around him, I tend to be the social butterfly). I knew they took their lunch breaks together, this is totally fine in my book. I used to go for drinks after work with male and female friends from the office. Sometimes he'd join us, sometimes he wouldn't. That's fine.

He suggested I meet his female co-worker as he thought I'd have things in common with her. The three of us met for breakfast. I straight away noticed certain things she was saying was for _his_ benefit - a way of flirting. I wasn't overly friendly, I was just neutral, which is how I usually am until I get to know someone well. So we had an argument after this meet up. He said I was cold towards her. I honestly didn't think I was but I did apologize to him a couple of days later for not making more effort. But then he said she was different around me. I'd said to him, well that in itself speaks volumes to me. If she acts differently with you when I'm there, that's not cool. Their friendship died-down after this.

I have male friends/old co-workers who I haven't seen in a long time but we plan to catch up soon. I'd considered meeting up for coffee or something one-on-one. Now I'm re-thinking this and realizing it's good form to include my H. We're at 'make or break' and strangely it feels like now more than ever, I need to be considerate of our relationship. That probably sounds strange. I guess everything feels heightened between us right now.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

heartsbreaking said:


> He suggested I meet his female co-worker as he thought I'd have things in common with her. The three of us met for breakfast. I straight away noticed certain things she was saying was for _his_ benefit - a way of flirting. I wasn't overly friendly, I was just neutral, which is how I usually am until I get to know someone well. So we had an argument after this meet up. He said I was cold towards her. I honestly didn't think I was but I did apologize to him a couple of days later for not making more effort. But then he said she was different around me. I'd said to him, well that in itself speaks volumes to me. If she acts differently with you when I'm there, that's not cool. Their friendship died-down after this.


Yes, it is awkward meeting up with a spouses friend. My wife behaved like you did for the same reasons. It takes time to warm up. Fortunately I had introduced her to a male friend and she behaved in the same way so I knew it was normal for her. Nevertheless she still over analyzed each statement and was wondering if my friend was saying things for her benefit especially about the new boyfriend. After a few more meetings they are now friendly and we are all going sailing this weekend.

Your comment also reminded me of something I had forgotten about. I was introduced to the parents of one of my friends (i had gotten to know her husband before I knew her well) and it made me feel like I was the boyfriend being introduced for the first time. She was displaying pride. That was weird and I had forgotten all about it until now. She is why I started this thread in the first place. I am glad that I took Homemakers advice and started self-censoring my interactions with her. It's really hard though and against my friendly nature but better for my marriage.


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