# Is it obligatory to have sex with husband?



## Kathy07 (Mar 15, 2021)

I know this might seem like a silly question. Believe me, I am overthinking it for days. Do you have to have sex when you are married? 

There are serious troubles in my marriage. I am fighting with myself for years now, first trying to fix it, then accept it, seeing it as some crisis situation when after all those years of inner battle and unhappiness I just decided I am over and I don’t really love this man anymore. 
Sex is obviously and issue, a very big important issue to him. Doesn’t matter I said I don’t have feelings for him. Doesn’t matter I said I want to split or move out. Obviously current situation makes it really difficult (UK, lockdown) so I am really trapped!
He expects sex no matter what! I have to have sex even if I clearly said I don’t find any pleasure in it and I am basically just lying there like a wooden doll.
I am trying to avoid it at all cost, trying to explain I don’t want him, fancy him and feel more and more miserable. 
I am at the point when I think I will throw up next time he touches me. 
Why he can’t get it? He says he is acknowledging issues in our marriage, agrees with them, we are trying therapy. But sex must happen regardless. He won’t give me space, I need to “perform” even if we are no good. 
I can’t believe how insane this is! I am avoiding him like a plague. But he is trying to emotionally blackmail me, plays on my sense of guilt and almost terrorise me. Nothing else matters.
I can’t believe he doesn’t see the damage he is doing with this behaviour. I only feel stronger about divorcing him the sooner the better.


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Kathy07 said:


> I know this might seem like a silly question. Believe me, I am overthinking it for days. Do you have to have sex when you are married?
> 
> There are serious troubles in my marriage. I am fighting with myself for years now, first trying to fix it, then accept it, seeing it as some crisis situation when after all those years of inner battle and unhappiness I just decided I am over and I don’t really love this man anymore.
> Sex is obviously and issue, a very big important issue to him. Doesn’t matter I said I don’t have feelings for him. Doesn’t matter I said I want to split or move out. Obviously current situation makes it really difficult (UK, lockdown) so I am really trapped!
> ...


Stop having sex with him and divorce. UK being on lockdown doesn't mean you can't get started.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Are you obligated as married to have sex? Just an opinion, but its mine. The answer is yes and no.
Sex (intimacy) is essential to a healthy marriage, not optional, so the answer is yes.

But not so fast...........there are exceptions honored by wisdom, Godliness and mercy. One exception if there is a lack of love and tenderness, then the act of sex is an affront to marriage, so the answer could be no.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

jorgegene said:


> Are you obligated as married to have sex? Just an opinion, but its mine. The answer is yes and no.
> Sex (intimacy) is essential to a healthy marriage, not optional, so the answer is yes.
> 
> But not so fast...........there are exceptions honored by wisdom, Godliness and mercy. One exception if there is a lack of love and tenderness, then the act of sex is an affront to marriage, so the answer could be no.


Read she isn't in a healthy marriage. She wants a divorce and doesn't want sex. So the answer is definitely no. You do not have to have sex. Say no. Mean no. If there is any actual force that's rape.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

No, of course you aren’t. But you should file for divorce and get away from your pathetic husband. I Susie t he will get physically abusive if you stop him from having sex with you. So probably best to have a place to go


----------



## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Just get a divorce, no need to wait around for covid to clear. It doesn't get any simpler than that.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Kathy07 said:


> I know this might seem like a silly question. Believe me, I am overthinking it for days. Do you have to have sex when you are married?
> 
> There are serious troubles in my marriage. I am fighting with myself for years now, first trying to fix it, then accept it, seeing it as some crisis situation when after all those years of inner battle and unhappiness I just decided I am over and I don’t really love this man anymore.
> Sex is obviously and issue, a very big important issue to him. Doesn’t matter I said I don’t have feelings for him. Doesn’t matter I said I want to split or move out. Obviously current situation makes it really difficult (UK, lockdown) so I am really trapped!
> ...


No it's not but if you are this happy you need to divorce him. Sex is the least of your worries.


----------



## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Kathy07 said:


> Do you have to have sex when you are married?


The conventional wisdom is yes, if you want to stay married. But you don't want to stay married, so screw him, err, I mean don't screw him.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Kathy07 Sex is not obligatory. And may actually amount to rape if cohesion, etc, is employed.

I hope these links will be of use to you








Getting a divorce







www.lawsociety.org.uk













The most common questions about divorce being asked amid coronavirus


Can you file for divorce during lockdown?




www.harpersbazaar.com





If your husband "has needs" and you don't want to participate, he should learn how to serve himself with autoerotic pleasuring.


----------



## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Kathy07 said:


> I know this might seem like a silly question. Believe me, I am overthinking it for days. Do you have to have sex when you are married?
> 
> There are serious troubles in my marriage. I am fighting with myself for years now, first trying to fix it, then accept it, seeing it as some crisis situation when after all those years of inner battle and unhappiness I just decided I am over and I don’t really love this man anymore.
> Sex is obviously and issue, a very big important issue to him. Doesn’t matter I said I don’t have feelings for him. Doesn’t matter I said I want to split or move out. Obviously current situation makes it really difficult (UK, lockdown) so I am really trapped!
> ...


May I ask why you want to divorce?


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Why are you in therapy if you don't see a future? It's like, what's the point. Divorce already and get it over with. This is not all on him. You have a responsibility to yourself. If you truthfully cannot see a future with this guy, then file for divorce and make the case very, very clean for spousal rape if it continues. He cannot force you to have sex. 

If you truly believe that there is no future, I believe you are being somewhat cruel going to therapy and living under the same roof. Both to your husband and yourself.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Kathy07 said:


> I know this might seem like a silly question. Believe me, I am overthinking it for days. Do you have to have sex when you are married?
> 
> There are serious troubles in my marriage. I am fighting with myself for years now, first trying to fix it, then accept it, seeing it as some crisis situation when after all those years of inner battle and unhappiness I just decided I am over and I don’t really love this man anymore.
> Sex is obviously and issue, a very big important issue to him. Doesn’t matter I said I don’t have feelings for him. Doesn’t matter I said I want to split or move out. Obviously current situation makes it really difficult (UK, lockdown) so I am really trapped!
> ...


You need to file divorce papers on him. But no you are not legally obligated to have sex with him. You need to file something legal though just so you can have the police intervene if you need to. Having sex against your will can still be rape even if it's your husband. if he tries to force you call the police but you'll have a lot better luck getting anywhere with this once you file divorce papers. Covid or not you've got to get out of that house.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

It is possible to be raped by your husband......as you know. Threaten that you will call the police. No is no... good marriage or bad.


----------



## Kathy07 (Mar 15, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> No, of course you aren’t. But you should file for divorce and get away from your pathetic husband. I Susie t he will get physically abusive if you stop him from having sex with you. So probably best to have a place to go


 Beauty of lockdown: you can’t go and stay at your friends house, I don’t qualify for shelter as I am not abused, you can’t rent place on your own for 6months minimum contract if you only see it on pictures and I can’t go to my parents as they live abroad. I have big enough house and we are not sleeping together already. So for the time being, this solution is probably the safest.


----------



## Kathy07 (Mar 15, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> @Kathy07 Sex is not obligatory. And may actually amount to rape if cohesion, etc, is employed.
> 
> I hope these links will be of use to you
> 
> ...


Thank you, I will check out the links you sent. I already contacted solicitor, she explained I don’t need her help as our situation is not very complicated, especially when we don’t have children. I promised I wil try everything, so I agreed to therapy which is clearly not working for me so it’s just the matter of time.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

In a loving relationship women will have sex with men sometimes even when they are not entirely in the 'mood,' because they know this is one of his 'needs.' Not necessarily physical but it is an act of intimacy and expression of emotion.
However, in your case it seems that he is simply using you as a sperm dump, sorry for putting it like this. it appears he is not listening to anything you are telling him at all. You are probably sending mixed signals, if the marriage is over for you, then act like it. Move into the spare bedroom, do a hard 180 on him, get your ducks in a row, seek out a lawyer and tell him it is over and set a timeframe.
BTW you are NOT obligated to have sex in these circumstances. Any man who expects you to is a boor who needs a good kick up the side of the head?

I am surprised you are not standing up for yourself. Is this an arranged marriage or something?


----------



## Kathy07 (Mar 15, 2021)

aine said:


> In a loving relationship women will have sex with men sometimes even when they are not entirely in the 'mood,' because they know this is one of his 'needs.' Not necessarily physical but it is an act of intimacy and expression of emotion.
> However, in your case it seems that he is simply using you as a sperm dump, sorry for putting it like this. it appears he is not listening to anything you are telling him at all. You are probably sending mixed signals, if the marriage is over for you, then act like it. Move into the spare bedroom, do a hard 180 on him, get your ducks in a row, seek out a lawyer and tell him it is over and set a timeframe.
> BTW you are NOT obligated to have sex in these circumstances. Any man who expects you to is a boor who needs a good kick up the side of the head?
> 
> I am surprised you are not standing up for yourself. Is this an arranged marriage or something?


Thank you for your replay. I understand all you saying and yes, I am getting apart, sleeping apart, we practically just share cooking and eating together. I was asked by him to give it a chance, therefore I agreed to therapy but I don’t see this helping anything. 
It is not arranged marriage, but it’s quite long one, over 10 years. We struggled with infertility issues as well and I am guessing this was beginning of the end. 
I am taking things slow giving him space and time, just sometimes I struggle with him trying to push “ordinary” and “normal” on me. It’s like he listens but occasionally he pretends he doesn’t hear what I am saying.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Kathy07 said:


> I know this might seem like a silly question. Believe me, I am overthinking it for days. Do you have to have sex when you are married?
> 
> There are serious troubles in my marriage. I am fighting with myself for years now, first trying to fix it, then accept it, seeing it as some crisis situation when after all those years of inner battle and unhappiness I just decided I am over and I don’t really love this man anymore.
> Sex is obviously and issue, a very big important issue to him. Doesn’t matter I said I don’t have feelings for him. Doesn’t matter I said I want to split or move out. Obviously current situation makes it really difficult (UK, lockdown) so I am really trapped!
> ...


Granted, without my reading further, my first thought is if you feel this strongly about not wanting a relationship with H, and believe you want to split, then you should act on those feelings/beliefs and move out.

If you don't, it doesn't reflect well on YOUR character, which is separate from any flaws H has.

If you don't act on your beliefs you're turning or already have turned into a total cake eater. 

You don't want him? That's ok, but if you want to continue to believe you're in the right, then own it. Get gone. Let his and your healing begin.

I'm sure you have your reasons and are certainly entitled to, they may be great reasons or they may be your preferences, all good.

But own them and act. Don't think you're entitled to have financial and stability of being part of a couple when you've decided to not be.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Absolutely not. Divorce him.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

GC1234 said:


> May I ask why you want to divorce?


Finally, someone asking what the marriage problems are!!


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Kathy07 said:


> Thank you, I will check out the links you sent. I already contacted solicitor, she explained I don’t need her help as our situation is not very complicated, especially when we don’t have children. I promised I wil try everything, so I agreed to therapy which is clearly not working for me so it’s just the matter of time.


Kindly, why haven't you left already?


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Again, kindly, all you've said so far is your husband has created all the problems in the marriage and nothing about what issues are, and nothing saying you have participated in some of the problems.

Just H is bad, I don't want to have sex.

Change the gender, and this could be his post.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She isn't seeking advice with her marriage problems. She only wants to know if she has to have sex with her husband. The answer is no. Put a lock on your bedroom door and remind him that no means no. If therapy isn't helping, stop it. 

When he starts in with the reasons for why it is your job to have sex with him, tell him that is one of the reasons you want a divorce - because he won't take no for an answer.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> She isn't seeking advice with her marriage problems. She only wants to know if she has to have sex with her husband. The answer is no. Put a lock on your bedroom door and remind him that no means no. If therapy isn't helping, stop it.
> 
> When he starts in with the reasons for why it is your job to have sex with him, tell him that is one of the reasons you want a divorce - because he won't take no for an answer.


Agreed. Her right, and her responsibility to clearly state that no sex ever again, it's over. Perfectly normal.

And at the moment she decides to never again have sex or to want to be married with H, it's her responsibility to act on her beliefs and leave the marriage bed and home. Perfectly normal.

Btw, the only marriage problems OP is reporting are he won't take no for an answer and she won't take yes for an answer.

Other than that, there aren't any reported problems. wtf. 🙄🙄🙄


----------



## Kathy07 (Mar 15, 2021)

GC1234 said:


> May I ask why you want to divorce?


It took me long time to figure it out, first I thought I was irrational. Then I thought I am going to live with it as we are having great relationship. Finally I grown up to the decision that I am unable to accept this relationship and want out. 
Tricky thing. I haven’t got a really “big” reason. He isn’t abusive, doesn’t have drinking or other problems. He is genuine person and faithful.
The only issue is how controlling he is. I have enough being asked where I am going what I am doing, having him constantly on my backs I have no life beside him. He is there all the time. I am constantly lectured how to do things and when I try to make my point and ask not to be treated like a child I am hearing it is all my imagination and he is not controlling at all. 
We can’t have children, it puts massive pressure on my marriage, it has to by honeymoon all the way every day. I am tired. I have no feelings for him at all. 
I didn’t have any pleasure from sex for years now. And I tried everything and nothing helped. I am frustrated, unhappy and still, he controls everything including the tone of my voice when we trying to argue. 
I am so tired of this. 
We haven’t had sex for some time now but he constantly tries something and it just irritates me. I promised I give him a chance, I agreed to therapy and there are couple more but they not gonna change my mind.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Agreed. Her right, and her responsibility to clearly state that no sex ever again, it's over. Perfectly normal.
> 
> And at the moment she decides to never again have sex or to want to be married with H, it's her responsibility to act on her beliefs and leave the marriage bed and home. Perfectly normal.
> 
> ...


I don't have a problem with her not wanting to delve into the marriage issues.

Britain is in lockdown so she can't just move out. It's her home, too. They can have an in-home separation until one of them caves and finds an actual livable solution.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Let's ask the audience. 

Who thinks a spouse that has said I don't love you and we'll never have sex again, you make me throw up, should be able to stay in the M home and enjoy any other perks of home, hearth, stability, or friendly emotional interactions during the day?

One minute past the time that the W (or H) said those horrible things?

Ass, meet curb. Thanks for playing. Have a nice life. I mean, how much clearer can this be? Get her out. 

She may be surprised when she finds the locks cha changed one day and a suitcase on the stoop.

What does OP think is going to happen? Is she living in a bubble, that H won't ever tap out?


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Kathy07 said:


> It took me long time to figure it out, first I thought I was irrational. Then I thought I am going to live with it as we are having great relationship. Finally I grown up to the decision that I am unable to accept this relationship and want out.
> Tricky thing. I haven’t got a really “big” reason. He isn’t abusive, doesn’t have drinking or other problems. He is genuine person and faithful.
> The only issue is how controlling he is. I have enough being asked where I am going what I am doing, having him constantly on my backs I have no life beside him. He is there all the time. I am constantly lectured how to do things and when I try to make my point and ask not to be treated like a child I am hearing it is all my imagination and he is not controlling at all.
> We can’t have children, it puts massive pressure on my marriage, it has to by honeymoon all the way every day. I am tired. I have no feelings for him at all.
> ...


You state nothing will change your mind, so why haven't you moved out already?

That's the rub, really. Go, let the healing begin. But be a stand up person. Do it now.

Otherwise still likely a cake eater, too lazy to act like a single person even when you want to be a single person.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> I don't have a problem with her not wanting to delve into the marriage issues.
> 
> Britain is in lockdown so she can't just move out. It's her home, too. They can have an in-home separation until one of them caves and finds an actual livable solution.


Harder, yes, impossible, no.
She has every right to tell him no, don't misunderstand me. With that he has every right to tell her to leave.

Or tell her to pay 1/2 of cost of everything, get her own checking account etc immediately, take her name off any joint accounts, if she's not already paying half. Straight roommate if delays in moving. 

Stop agreeing to seeing a MC for goodness sake. She knows it's a waste. Own up to the separation. 

I get the feeling OP is still dangling a carrot for a roof over her head, so she doesn't have to do the work to be the single person she wants to be.

And she doesn't want him to be sure enough it's over, so he doesn't immediately move out and leave her.


----------



## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Kathy07 said:


> It took me long time to figure it out, first I thought I was irrational. Then I thought I am going to live with it as we are having great relationship. Finally I grown up to the decision that I am unable to accept this relationship and want out.
> Tricky thing. I haven’t got a really “big” reason. He isn’t abusive, doesn’t have drinking or other problems. He is genuine person and faithful.
> The only issue is how controlling he is. I have enough being asked where I am going what I am doing, having him constantly on my backs I have no life beside him. He is there all the time. I am constantly lectured how to do things and when I try to make my point and ask not to be treated like a child I am hearing it is all my imagination and he is not controlling at all.
> We can’t have children, it puts massive pressure on my marriage, it has to by honeymoon all the way every day. I am tired. I have no feelings for him at all.
> ...


So, why can't you leave?


----------



## Kathy07 (Mar 15, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Harder, yes, impossible, no.
> She has every right to tell him no, don't misunderstand me. With that he has every right to tell her to leave.
> 
> Or tell her to pay 1/2 of cost of everything, get her own checking account etc immediately, take her name off any joint accounts, if she's not already paying half. Straight roommate if delays in moving.
> ...


Wrong... I work and earn just as much. Everything we share equally. Apart of responsibilities as I clean and cook mainly. 
I have very responsible job and currently I am working from home. I can’t move out just like that. Why should I? I can’t go to any friends, to parents and can’t rent anything as currently you are very limited to options. And I need safe home where I can work from.
Why should I do it at all cause if we have several bedrooms and I can comfortably stay away?
I only asked a simple question. Not came here to be justified of my reasons. I don’t understand why society believes that if you still married you have to have sex. I wanted your opinion not being judged and mistaken for someone that I am not. 
You don’t know the whole story. There are reasons why I couldn’t live sooner.For example H mental issues and recovery. You are not leaving someone in distress. I give him time to heal, I tried to save this marriage, I had every right to but people don’t change. And yes, after realising this, I am deciding to leave. Just need to wait until lockdown ends... that’s all.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Kathy07 said:


> Wrong... I work and earn just as much. Everything we share equally. Apart of responsibilities as I clean and cook mainly.
> I have very responsible job and currently I am working from home. I can’t move out just like that. Why should I? I can’t go to any friends, to parents and can’t rent anything as currently you are very limited to options. And I need safe home where I can work from.
> Why should I do it at all cause if we have several bedrooms and I can comfortably stay away?
> I only asked a simple question. Not came here to be justified of my reasons. I don’t understand why society believes that if you still married you have to have sex. I wanted your opinion not being judged and mistaken for someone that I am not.
> You don’t know the whole story. There are reasons why I couldn’t live sooner.For example H mental issues and recovery. You are not leaving someone in distress. I give him time to heal, I tried to save this marriage, I had every right to but people don’t change. And yes, after realising this, I am deciding to leave. Just need to wait until lockdown ends... that’s all.


And now, we know more of the story and that prevents surmising and helps those that may take their time to offer suggestions and support, provide a bit more tailored support or conversation. 

All great additional information! You've got to know that adds context. 

So it's already set, both pay equal in all things, like roommates? Check. A good character check.

There are several bedrooms? That's a big house, certainly adds better odds for living apart, together.

Is the house in both of your names?

If you wanted to, you indeed could move out, btw.

Why should you be the one that retains the house after the divorce? For that matter, why should he?

Have you told your H he's free to date others, as you've decided you'll split no matter what?


----------



## Kathy07 (Mar 15, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> And now, we know more of the story and that prevents surmising and helps those that may take their time to offer suggestions and support, provide a bit more tailored support or conversation.
> 
> All great additional information! You've got to know that adds context.
> 
> ...


Yes, he is aware I wanted to move out after Christmas, lockdown started. I want us to sell the house and share money. He can have a car and all he wants really. I am not that bothered. He sadly was playing up when it came to ask for splitting the accounts... so I need to be more diplomatic. 
it’s just him being controlling.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Btw, a man shouldn't stay with a W who won't doesn't desire to have sex with him, and vice versa of course.

And neither should think it's remotely acceptable to expect to be in a M without having sex.

All this barring health and medical reasons. Even in those cases the desire for one another still exists.

In all cases shoot this horse and quit making it suffer.

Yes, you can move out if you want. And so could he. You could work from anyplace with internet access. 

Something yet unknown is keeping you under the same roof. I bet you want the house and don't want the troubles of moving.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Kathy07 said:


> Yes, he is aware I wanted to move out after Christmas, lockdown started. I want us to sell the house and share money. He can have a car and all he wants really. I am not that bothered. He sadly was playing up when it came to ask for splitting the accounts... so I need to be more diplomatic.
> it’s just him being controlling.


I missed this post.

Good for you then! You're doing the best things.
You need to realize you don't need his approval on anything, period, your lawyer will get things going. You are no longer responsible for your stbxh.

Press on! Good job, btw.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Something yet unknown is keeping you under the same roof.


But it's not unknown. He is controlling. They are living together because that is what he demands.
They are in therapy because that is what he demands. 
They are having duty sex because that is what he demands.
Every single thing that is wrong in their relationship is because He demands and she accedes.
She needs a healthy partnership where her needs and desires are as important as his. If that had ever happened in this marriage there would be love. But there is not love here. Only command and obedience.

To answer the original post. Sex is not a legal requirement. Ending sex will quickly advance the divorce. In general sex is binding abuse is dividing. Every time Kathy and husband have sex he feels closer to her, and she feels further from him. A forced end of sexual relations should cut off his supply of hope and move the relationship towards dissolution.


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Sex is part of marraige. Not having sex is marital abandonment. 

But the other side of that coin is marital rape. It is a thing. No means no, even if you are married. I suggest you tell this therapist of yours that your husband forces himself on you. At least you will have proof if you have to take criminal legal action. 

You cited a bunch of reasons why you can't move out. Why can't he move out? If you charge him with marital rape won't the cops take him away, Covid or not?


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Kathy07 said:


> Yes, he is aware I wanted to move out after Christmas, lockdown started. I want us to sell the house and share money. He can have a car and all he wants really. I am not that bothered. He sadly was playing up when it came to ask for splitting the accounts... so I need to be more diplomatic.
> it’s just him being controlling.


Wow hope you can tell you've triggered the sexless marriage men.

Everything you've said seems reasonable. 

Hang in there. Be clear with him that you intend to divorce and live amicably until lock down is over.


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Everyone asking why she doesn’t move out..: she already answered the question above and it was a good answer. 

OP... just firmly say no to sex. It’s not that big of a deal. I think the problem we are getting is that it seems like you are playing your husband. Giving him false hope by going to therapy, and cooking and eating together etc. in your mind you think you are clear, but in your husbands he may be thinking there was hope. I would think there was hope if my spouse was in therapy with me.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> Everyone asking why she doesn’t move out..: she already answered the question above and it was a good answer.
> 
> OP... just firmly say no to sex. It’s not that big of a deal. I think the problem we are getting is that it seems like you are playing your husband. Giving him false hope by going to therapy, and cooking and eating together etc. in your mind you think you are clear, but in your husbands he may be thinking there was hope. I would think there was hope if my spouse was in therapy with me.


Best answer ever!


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Mr. Nail said:


> .


You must have missed my post:
"
I missed this post.

Good for you then! You're doing the best things.
You need to realize you don't need his approval on anything, period, your lawyer will get things going. You are no longer responsible for your stbxh.

Press on! Good job, btw."

END

Also, saying you feel a person is controlling, is a vague answer, open to way things are perceived.

It sounds like she's controlling things in the relationship.

But some of PS other responses have been super, she's trying to move forward.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

It's very difficult and dangerous to move out with Covid. Marriages end. The husband will have to accept it. She has every right not to have sex with her husband. She will move out when the time is right. This is an emergency.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> It's very difficult and dangerous to move out with Covid. Marriages end. The husband will have to accept it. She has every right not to have sex with her husband. She will move out when the time is right. This is an emergency.


Well, it's not an impossibility by no means.
Using practical action and common sense, one continues to live life.

Here, damn real estate market and housing is booming. Good for us as homeowners, but the upward trend will lead to a bubble.

One doesn't stop moving ahead. Everyone has certain challenges. Different things are important to different people.

Her decisions are valid, his decisions are valid, of course no means no, don't misunderstand me but this situation will have it's own problems non covid.


----------



## Kathy07 (Mar 15, 2021)

D0nnivain said:


> Sex is part of marraige. Not having sex is marital abandonment.
> 
> But the other side of that coin is marital rape. It is a thing. No means no, even if you are married. I suggest you tell this therapist of yours that your husband forces himself on you. At least you will have proof if you have to take criminal legal action.
> 
> You cited a bunch of reasons why you can't move out. Why can't he move out? If you charge him with marital rape won't the cops take him away, Covid or not?


I wouldn’t go this far to say he tried to rape me. I say no. He respects it. For some time and then he tries again. Like nothing ever happened. I guess it will go like that until I move out. I hope it will be only few more weeks. As I am so exhausted now. Problem with my marriage is that I don’t enjoy sex for so many years now, I was on autopilot before, having it as a marital duty. 
It was extremely hard to break this pattern, get over guilt and put my needs first. Each time I am saying no he tried and tried, give me silent treatment. I felt punished. I don’t want to spend my entire life (I am only 40) with someone who I am not attracted to anymore and have blunt sex I can’t enjoy.
I tried everything that can be done to enjoy it and nothing works. This was my breaking point. 
His controlling behaviour it’s another issue of course. Not being able to have children is again another issue.
I know we will get through this and he will finally accept I need to move on with my life.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Kathy07 said:


> I know we will get through this and he will finally accept I need to move on with my life.


When I read through this thread, my instincts were immediately that you do not need to have sex... but then this thread gets confusing as it is so full of excuses mixed with compliments about your husband. I can't tell if you are defending your husband or your decision to stay with him during the lockdown. 

What I am wondering is what kind of therapist are you going to and why is this person not helping you set better boundaries? Then as you say, there is probably a lot to the story that we don't know.

Divorce rates have spiked during covid, so you may find it helpful to understand there are others in your same situation and read their stories. 









Breaking up in the time of Covid-19 brings new challenges | CNN


Divorce or separation is rarely easy, but couples dissolving their households during Covid-19 are facing new woes -- the stress of job losses, shared housing, co-parenting and health insurance worries in a global pandemic.




www.cnn.com


----------



## Skruddgemire (Mar 10, 2021)

Kathy07 said:


> I know this might seem like a silly question. Believe me, I am overthinking it for days. Do you have to have sex when you are married?


I'm not going to go into the topic of sex during marriage. What happens in a healthy marriage or what should happen to keep one happy is irrelevant to this scenario.

Simply put...No it is not obligatory. And in fact if you say "no" and he forces you anyway...



> Marital rape, also known as spousal rape, is a sexual assault under UK law (as outlined in the Sexual Offences Act 2003).
> 
> The offence occurs when a person commits a sexual act without the consent of their spouse (or ex-spouse) or does so against their will. This sexual assault can also be considered a form of domestic violence.


That was taken from the website for Noble Solicitors (link can be found here)

So in your case, if you don't want to...you don't have to.

And for the other part...there are still things you can do online even during the lockdown.

Get a divorce has information on how to get a divorce. Although...depending on the situation you might not be able to do that just yet and you might have to file for a legal separation and that information can be found here at Get a legal separation


----------



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Kathy07 said:


> *I wouldn’t go this far to say he tried to rape me. I say no. He respects it. For some time and then he tries again. Like nothing ever happened.* I guess it will go like that until I move out. I hope it will be only few more weeks. As I am so exhausted now. Problem with my marriage is that I don’t enjoy sex for so many years now, I was on autopilot before, having it as a marital duty.
> It was extremely hard to break this pattern, get over guilt and put my needs first. Each time I am saying no he tried and tried, give me silent treatment. I felt punished. I don’t want to spend my entire life (I am only 40) with someone who I am not attracted to anymore and have blunt sex I can’t enjoy.
> I tried everything that can be done to enjoy it and nothing works. This was my breaking point.
> His controlling behaviour it’s another issue of course. Not being able to have children is again another issue.
> I know we will get through this and he will finally accept I need to move on with my life.


That isn't what your posts implied before. You stated that he wasn't respecting your no with made us think he had sex with you despite you saying no, and you just didn't bother to fight it.


----------



## Kathy07 (Mar 15, 2021)

badsanta said:


> When I read through this thread, my instincts were immediately that you do not need to have sex... but then this thread gets confusing as it is so full of excuses mixed with compliments about your husband. I can't tell if you are defending your husband or your decision to stay with him during the lockdown.
> 
> What I am wondering is what kind of therapist are you going to and why is this person not helping you set better boundaries? Then as you say, there is probably a lot to the story that we don't know.
> 
> ...


I wasn’t trying to defend anything just explained how this started. Why we are where we are and that problems are not coming with the force here, unless of course emotional blackmail which I was constantly under. Those things makes you hate sex. Dislike it. Especially with this person. 
Therapy is via Teams, 2 hrs each week. I agreed to 6 of them. Maybe I was hoping he will understand my point of view, maybe I didn’t want to come across as the one who refused to try. I tried, it is unhelpful.
Soon the lockdown will end and I am going to move out. Everything in the right time.


----------



## Kathy07 (Mar 15, 2021)

maquiscat said:


> That isn't what your posts implied before. You stated that he wasn't respecting your no with made us think he had sex with you despite you saying no, and you just didn't bother to fight it.


Yes and no. He isn’t forcing itself on me. I am trying to explain the reasons why I don’t want it, he is trying anyway. Tricks me to it. Make sure I will obey one way or another. Then he will look at my face and say things that he can see I don’t find any pleasure in it. But well, it never stopped him from continuing with it. Was that a rape? I don’t know, I got so lost and brainwashed over the years. 
For the past weeks and months I was agreeing to it just to shake him off, once a week maybe. But it felt wrong and for past month I am firmly standing by my decision I don’t want it, I have the right not to want it and that wedding band is not his right to force me to do it. 
He is an educated man. Relies a lot on science. I tried to get him to understand as I don’t want to be accused of having an affair or divorce in hateful atmosphere. I wanted healthy break up and friendship, two people who will go separate ways. 
I wish he will respect it. I explained that I am scared to run naked downstairs for a glass of water as he immediately will take this as an invitation.
He argues with me that until you are someone’s spouse you have to have sex. In his logic marriage is like a contract. And doesn’t matter I want to be out of this relationship. Until I am in we should have it. As he is not gonna go and have it elsewhere. And surely if I liked the sex once, then it can’t change. 
Well, it can.
I never thought I will be divorced, I used to love this man but over the period of our marriage I feel I lost my own identity, my voice, my everything. It was hard to realise it, accept the fact I am not mad and fact that marriage shouldn’t look this way. I know it was my mistake for not realising it sooner, that for past years I was agreeing to sex just for peace of mind. I got so lost. I finally feel strong about everything. This weekend it will be whole month since we had sex. If he tries again, will play on my guilt, try to trick me to it (again) try to talk me to it, give me silent treatment, blackmail, I will say straight that he needs to stop and accept the fact I don’t want it. And I don’t want to try anymore as this time it may be different. And perhaps I should add that his actions are falling for marital rape.


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Kathy07 said:


> Yes and no. He isn’t forcing itself on me. I am trying to explain the reasons why I don’t want it, he is trying anyway. Tricks me to it. Make sure I will obey one way or another. Then he will look at my face and say things that he can see I don’t find any pleasure in it. But well, it never stopped him from continuing with it. Was that a rape? I don’t know, I got so lost and brainwashed over the years.
> For the past weeks and months I was agreeing to it just to shake him off, once a week maybe. But it felt wrong and for past month I am firmly standing by my decision I don’t want it, I have the right not to want it and that wedding band is not his right to force me to do it.
> He is an educated man. Relies a lot on science. I tried to get him to understand as I don’t want to be accused of having an affair or divorce in hateful atmosphere. I wanted healthy break up and friendship, two people who will go separate ways.
> I wish he will respect it. I explained that I am scared to run naked downstairs for a glass of water as he immediately will take this as an invitation.
> ...


You have a voice you just need more conviction. You shouldn’t let him guilt you. You already sleep in separate bedrooms, stop eating together and doing things together. It will make it a lot easier when it’s time to go, for him and for you.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Kathy07 have you spoken with an MD about your zero desire for sex?


----------



## Skruddgemire (Mar 10, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> @Kathy07 have you spoken with an MD about your zero desire for sex?


It's not a lack of interest in sex...it's a lack of interest in sex with a specific person with whom she is no longer in love with.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

IMO having sex with an unwilling partner even if they capitulate might not be rape but morally it is bad. When you say you’re not enjoying you mean it does nothing for you or you’re literally showing or saying you want him to stop? Presumably he knows your feelings, if so and he still does it in my mind that is repulsive.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Skruddgemire said:


> It's not a lack of interest in sex...it's a lack of interest in sex with a specific person with whom she is no longer in love with.


Actually, there might be a physical issue involved and that should not be ignored.


----------



## Skruddgemire (Mar 10, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> Actually, there might be a physical issue involved and that should not be ignored.


Yes, there may be and yes it should not be ignored. However when she states...



Kathy07 said:


> There are serious troubles in my marriage. I am fighting with myself for years now, first trying to fix it, then accept it, seeing it as some crisis situation when after all those years of inner battle and unhappiness I just decided I am over and I don’t really love this man anymore.





Kathy07 said:


> The only issue is how controlling he is. I have enough being asked where I am going what I am doing, having him constantly on my backs I have no life beside him. He is there all the time. I am constantly lectured how to do things and when I try to make my point and ask not to be treated like a child I am hearing it is all my imagination and he is not controlling at all.





Kathy07 said:


> I wasn’t trying to defend anything just explained how this started. Why we are where we are and that problems are not coming with the force here, unless of course emotional blackmail which I was constantly under. Those things makes you hate sex. Dislike it. Especially with this person.


Well...it really sounds less like a physicality issue and more of an emotional one. She does not like how he is, has lost interest in him and just wants it over. And with the fact that she's said that she's dealt with infertility issues, I'm pretty sure that would have come up by now.


----------



## Davie (May 4, 2020)

Kathy07 said:


> I know this might seem like a silly question. Believe me, I am overthinking it for days. Do you have to have sex when you are married?
> 
> There are serious troubles in my marriage. I am fighting with myself for years now, first trying to fix it, then accept it, seeing it as some crisis situation when after all those years of inner battle and unhappiness I just decided I am over and I don’t really love this man anymore.
> Sex is obviously and issue, a very big important issue to him. Doesn’t matter I said I don’t have feelings for him. Doesn’t matter I said I want to split or move out. Obviously current situation makes it really difficult (UK, lockdown) so I am really trapped!
> ...


Not having sex in a marriage is wrong. Now with the issues you have you need to cut it off because it sounds like he loves you has feelings for you and it’s going to hurt him the longer it goes. Life is too short. My wife has sex with me when she isn’t always up to it but we talk everything out and I’ll do it at times I’m not up to it. Because I never want her heart to hurt and I don’t want her to feel like she’s not good enough for me


----------



## mainesqueeze (Nov 22, 2013)

Kathy07 said:


> I wouldn’t go this far to say he tried to rape me. I say no. He respects it. For some time and then he tries again. Like nothing ever happened. I guess it will go like that until I move out. I hope it will be only few more weeks. As I am so exhausted now. Problem with my marriage is that I don’t enjoy sex for so many years now, I was on autopilot before, having it as a marital duty.
> It was extremely hard to break this pattern, get over guilt and put my needs first. Each time I am saying no he tried and tried, give me silent treatment. I felt punished. I don’t want to spend my entire life (I am only 40) with someone who I am not attracted to anymore and have blunt sex I can’t enjoy.
> I tried everything that can be done to enjoy it and nothing works. This was my breaking point.
> His controlling behaviour it’s another issue of course. Not being able to have children is again another issue.
> I know we will get through this and he will finally accept I need to move on with my life.


The silent treatment is often part of a pattern of control and can even be an element of emotional abuse. You aren’t required to have sex with your husband simply because you are technically married. Assuming it’s safe to do so, make it clear that you don’t want to engage in sex any longer (he needs to stop pushing it on you), and your intention is not to continue the relationship. Do what you can now to prepare for separation and get things moving.


----------



## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

You need to stand your ground and tell him you want a divorce. You must say bluntly you arent having sex with him again. Let him go find it elsewhere. It is not fair to him for you to dictate your life together because you dont want sex and you dont want to move out. Sounds like the issues stem more from your issues than his. Let this man go so he can lead a normal, healthy and sexual life.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

bkyln309 said:


> You need to stand your ground and tell him you want a divorce. You must say bluntly you arent having sex with him again. Let him go find it elsewhere. It is not fair to him for you to dictate your life together because you dont want sex and you dont want to move out. Sounds like the issues stem more from your issues than his. *Let this man go* so he can lead a normal, healthy and sexual life.


She's trying to; but, he's clinging to her ankles for dear life.


----------



## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Kathy07 said:


> Beauty of lockdown: you can’t go and stay at your friends house, I don’t qualify for shelter as I am not abused, you can’t rent place on your own for 6months minimum contract if you only see it on pictures and I can’t go to my parents as they live abroad. I have big enough house and we are not sleeping together already. So for the time being, this solution is probably the safest.


You are definitely abused in my opinion. Get an official separation and then he cannot do anything to you. UK has very good laws as far as I can work out. Google, "How to get an official separation"


----------



## Lily_O (Dec 17, 2012)

Mr. Nail said:


> But it's not unknown. He is controlling. They are living together because that is what he demands.
> They are in therapy because that is what he demands.
> They are having duty sex because that is what he demands.
> Every single thing that is wrong in their relationship is because He demands and she accedes.
> ...


I'm a bit concerned about what OP's STBX will do when OP begins to flout his control. It's been my experience that controlling people seldom relinquish their control without a fight.


----------



## Lily_O (Dec 17, 2012)

Kathy07 said:


> Yes and no. He isn’t forcing itself on me. I am trying to explain the reasons why I don’t want it, he is trying anyway. Tricks me to it. Make sure I will obey one way or another. Then he will look at my face and say things that he can see I don’t find any pleasure in it. But well, it never stopped him from continuing with it. Was that a rape? I don’t know, I got so lost and brainwashed over the years.
> For the past weeks and months I was agreeing to it just to shake him off, once a week maybe. But it felt wrong and for past month I am firmly standing by my decision I don’t want it, I have the right not to want it and that wedding band is not his right to force me to do it.
> He is an educated man. Relies a lot on science. I tried to get him to understand as I don’t want to be accused of having an affair or divorce in hateful atmosphere. I wanted healthy break up and friendship, two people who will go separate ways.
> I wish he will respect it. I explained that I am scared to run naked downstairs for a glass of water as he immediately will take this as an invitation.
> ...


Hey hon, you don't have to get hit or yelled at to be in an abusive relationship. 
I implore you to take some precautions in the link below. 
My ex did not become physically violent till I left him after 16 years of marriage.
A good person does not have sex with someone who doesn't enjoy it or want it. They may be upset or even leave the relationship eventually, but they don't do all the things you have described. The things he is doing shows a lack of respect and empathy that I find disturbing.
A good mental exercise I use with people when they are trying to figure out if they are being abused is to reverse the situation: If he said he didn't enjoy sex with you and wanted to leave the relationship and you were still in love with him, would you do any of the things he's done to you? Could you imagine treating someone the way he has treated you?

Controlling people often escalate their controlling behaviors when the object of their control begins to resist or tries to get away. This may be a very hard thing to do if he's ground you down and made you question yourself for too long, but you really need to listen to your instincts right now. Do not ignore yourself or dismiss it if you feel unsafe or that he might harm you at any time. Document everything, make copies of everything, have places like a friend/family members home where you can keep copies of important documents/cash, and keep those close to you apprised of your whereabouts and when you come and go, and give them a code word that you will tell/text them if you need emergency help.

I am sorry you are going through this. You deserve so much better. Hang in there.

getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm


----------



## Kathy07 (Mar 15, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> @Kathy07 have you spoken with an MD about your zero desire for sex?


No. I tried everything I could over the years. We done everything in bed, I tried to have orgasms by participating in role playing, games, positions, toys. Drunk, sober, holidays, surprise trips. I put everything to it. It is just getting worse. I begin to think the more I truck the shortest sex is as he is clearly enjoying it and can’t hold for long. I have zero pleasure from sex for years now. And I don’t believe there is anything else he can do as I don’t want to be touch even. We tried long breaks to improve, we tried sex every day as many times as we could. All options exhausted. Nothing works.


----------



## Kathy07 (Mar 15, 2021)

Skruddgemire said:


> It's not a lack of interest in sex...it's a lack of interest in sex with a specific person with whom she is no longer in love with.





MattMatt said:


> Actually, there might be a physical issue involved and that should not be ignored.


There is no physical issue here, it’s purely emotional.


----------



## Kathy07 (Mar 15, 2021)

Lily_O said:


> Hey hon, you don't have to get hit or yelled at to be in an abusive relationship.
> I implore you to take some precautions in the link below.
> My ex did not become physically violent till I left him after 16 years of marriage.
> A good person does not have sex with someone who doesn't enjoy it or want it. They may be upset or even leave the relationship eventually, but they don't do all the things you have described. The things he is doing shows a lack of respect and empathy that I find disturbing.
> ...


Thank you very much for the link, I will read it carefully. 
For very long time I didn’t realised that my relationship might be abusive, irony of it is that I thought I am in caring relationship. 
There is always something. My cooking skills, working from home giving me privilege of cleaning the house (not, but this is how it’s seen). 
All financial decision need to be discussed even if I want new handbag. I can’t take any money from the account as they are ours and therefore we both need to discuss our spending. 
It’s for the best that we go everywhere together and I almost never see my friends on my own. If I do, he doesn’t let me enjoy it. When I leave the house he will always make me feel guilty that I go or upset before so I can’t enjoy the time out.
There is a lot of examples I could give but trying to write them here, I feel ashamed.
I can enjoy party or a drink only with him, otherwise I am trashy or an alcoholic. 
When I try raise the issue I hear I am being psychotic and imagining things. 
I honestly should just be quiet and be a good wife. Cook, clean, at home and having sex every other day.
I feel like a robot sometimes. I have to consult everything. 
Lockdown makes things worse, I can’t go out at all, friends are scared of getting fined but I feel it’s just an excuse sometimes so they don’t have to deal with him coming as well.
I am trying to explain we need split and all I want is him to understand and let me, maybe lack of sex will make me totally unworthy being with and he will be able to let go. I really can’t bring myself to do it anymore. I feel like an object. I have no second of passion for a long time. 
Him finding another woman would be dream come true but he will never do this, having his important job he wouldn’t want to risk his reputation. Sometimes I feel I am part of his image too and this is why I am so valuable. 
I will leave as soon as lockdown eases. I am looking for place to rent. I need at least some control over money and I will be on my way.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

If you are going to divorce, why haven’t you started it?

If you don’t want him touching you or sex, have you told him to go elsewhere to have his needs satisfied?

I don’t think you should have sex with anyone that you don’t want to, married or not. You should have left years ago when you knew you were no longer in love or even wanting sex with him. You knew his need for a physical relationship, why stay all of these years? Just so you could say I tried? Look at the damage that has caused to you and to him. You turned your once loving husband into a rapist by what you are saying. 

File for divorce already and do a in house separation. There has to be something you can do. There is nothing keeping you from filing for divorce.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I.T. Guy said:


> She stayed for the comfort of not having to work for a living. She wants her cake, and to eat it too.


It looks like you missed this post (or, did it not fit your agenda)?


Kathy07 said:


> Wrong... I work and earn just as much. Everything we share equally. Apart of responsibilities as I clean and cook mainly.
> I have very responsible job and currently I am working from home.


):


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I.T. Guy said:


> I didn't read every single reply. Mostly the OP.
> 
> And, although she is earning, it might be necessary for both incomes to have comforts, vs barely surviving.
> 
> ...


a.That is utter bullcrap. 
b. That's right, she's the one here for support. If you want to track down her selfish husband to get his side - have at it. What is he going to say - "My wife doesn't want to have sex with me. How can I *convince* her?".


----------



## Kathy07 (Mar 15, 2021)

I.T. Guy said:


> I didn't read every single reply. Mostly the OP.
> 
> And, although she is earning, it might be necessary for both incomes to have comforts, vs barely surviving.
> 
> ...


very narrow thinking... we both earn the same money and they go to the joint account. I am a woman who absolutely hates shopping. I have to consult with my husband every spending anyway. 
Last handbag I bought was 3 years ago.
Hhas expensive hobbies like golf and cycling.
I don’t even owe my own car. 
I can’t just take money from the account and rent a flat, my card has 200 limit. Of course, I could probably open new account and transfer money but it would be seen as stealing from him. Especially that I have to explain every spending, including lunch with a friend when this was possible many months ago. 
I rather make him agree to splitting our savings and share our belongings. I am more than happy to give him everything he wants. 
And of course it would be great to hear both stories, if you are qualified mediator. Which after reading your hurtful and judgmental post I believe you are not. 
My friends asking me why do I rush to move out and leave everything behind and go to live in a house share if I have enough rooms to be away from him and live practically separate lives. One day he will see there is no point and agree with me, we split, share things as equally as we can (I hope) and move on. 
It wasn’t the topic of my post anyway but it’s surprising how many people rush to conclusions.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Kathy07 said:


> Yes, he is aware I wanted to move out after Christmas, lockdown started. I want us to sell the house and share money. He can have a car and all he wants really. I am not that bothered. He sadly was playing up when it came to ask for splitting the accounts... so I need to be more diplomatic.
> it’s just him being controlling.


If he complained when you asked him about splitting accounts then don't talk to him about it until after you do it. 

Open your own accounts, have your own pay checks deposited into your own account. Take 50% of all funds in joint accounts and move then to your accounts.

Then tell him you did it. Show him the statements to ensure him that you only took your 50%. Then also should him an accounting of monthly bills that you will pay. As long as you live in the same house and you both earn approx the same amount, you each should pay 50%.

He'll be upset and he'll get over it with time. 

By you not doing this, you are allowing him to be a tyrant basically.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Kathy07 said:


> No. I tried everything I could over the years. We done everything in bed, I tried to have orgasms by participating in role playing, games, positions, toys. Drunk, sober, holidays, surprise trips. I put everything to it. It is just getting worse. I begin to think the more I truck the shortest sex is as he is clearly enjoying it and can’t hold for long. I have zero pleasure from sex for years now. And I don’t believe there is anything else he can do as I don’t want to be touch even. We tried long breaks to improve, we tried sex every day as many times as we could. All options exhausted. Nothing works.


My bet is that the reason nothing works is because your heart is not into it. In a long term relationship the desire has to be there. Nothing kills desire faster than a bad relationship. It seems that neither of you have a clue of how to build a good, healthy relationship (most people don't, I sure didn't for a long time). And I'll bet that those counselors you saw have no idea either. Most counselors do more harm than good.

Whether you stay with your husband or not, I think you would benefit from leaning how to build a strong passionate marriage. There are two books that I think would benefit you: "*Love Busters*" and "*His Needs, Her Needs*". Read them in that order. The idea is that first the two of you have to stop the "love busters". These are things that kill your love for each other... like him being controlling, him pushing you for sex when you do not get anything out of it. I'm sure that there are things you do that are "love busters" too. Then, after that you identify and start meeting each others needs. Doing this things will rebuild the passion/love/desire in your relationship over time. If you leave him and get into another relationship, doing all this from the start will prevent your new relationship from being like this one is now.


----------



## Lily_O (Dec 17, 2012)

Kathy07 said:


> Thank you very much for the link, I will read it carefully.
> For very long time I didn’t realised that my relationship might be abusive, irony of it is that I thought I am in caring relationship.
> There is always something. My cooking skills, working from home giving me privilege of cleaning the house (not, but this is how it’s seen).
> All financial decision need to be discussed even if I want new handbag. I can’t take any money from the account as they are ours and therefore we both need to discuss our spending.
> ...


Isn’t funny how after all the shameful things he’s done to you that you are the one carrying the shame?
These type of people all seem to work from the same handbook. Gaslighting, blame shifting, projecting, and flat out lying.
You aren’t crazy, hon, you’ve just had enough.
I think you should keep your plans to leave as secret as possible. You already told him you want to split up, that you are going to do it. That was his notice, he just thinks you don’t have the guts to do it.
When you do, have people with you and do not tell him where you are going.
Just one day you are there and the next day you are gone with your portion. Poof!
Do not give him a chance to retaliate and I think you know he will because it sounds like he has already been retaliating when you go against his demands. Leaving him will be the the biggest way you have ever defied him so please protect yourself.


----------



## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Of course not required and I’m passing no judgment here on you or him but I wonder if you would have appreciated his controlling nature if you been successful at having/adopting kids. My wife has expressed that sometimes it’s nice when I step up and make hard or easy decisions when she’s overwhelmed by motherhood. I wonder also if the overwhelming job of motherhood would give you less chances to think about hubby’s shortcomings (all men have them).

I’m guilty of harassing my wife for sex but since she goes along with it I think it can hardly be called rape because she doesn’t say “no”. There’s been times though when she says “I’m so tired” but when things get going it turns into something amazing. Of course sometimes NOT but I certainly think of these moments as incredible gifts from her for selflessly giving herself to me even when she’s not into it. It certainly makes me want to reciprocate and give her things she likes that I don’t such as lengthy socializing visits to her family and friends, cleaning toilets,fueling/servicing cars, etc. I mean, obviously her gift is far greater than mine but still in marriage both sides need to embrace the selfless sharing of each other’s talents/gifts and likewise forgiving each other of failings, thoughtlessness, and mistakes.

Please note I only read your first post and couple others so NOT condoning any other horrible stuff he’s done. But, a man begging, harassing his wife for sex.. yeah I’m guilty especially when I was young and dumb. I’ll never be able to to repay my wife’s incredible patience with me. Lord, have mercy on me - a poor sinner!


----------



## Kathy07 (Mar 15, 2021)

CatholicDad said:


> Of course not required and I’m passing no judgment here on you or him but I wonder if you would have appreciated his controlling nature if you been successful at having/adopting kids. My wife has expressed that sometimes it’s nice when I step up and make hard or easy decisions when she’s overwhelmed by motherhood. I wonder also if the overwhelming job of motherhood would give you less chances to think about hubby’s shortcomings (all men have them).
> 
> I’m guilty of harassing my wife for sex but since she goes along with it I think it can hardly be called rape because she doesn’t say “no”. There’s been times though when she says “I’m so tired” but when things get going it turns into something amazing. Of course sometimes NOT but I certainly think of these moments as incredible gifts from her for selflessly giving herself to me even when she’s not into it. It certainly makes me want to reciprocate and give her things she likes that I don’t such as lengthy socializing visits to her family and friends, cleaning toilets,fueling/servicing cars, etc. I mean, obviously her gift is far greater than mine but still in marriage both sides need to embrace the selfless sharing of each other’s talents/gifts and likewise forgiving each other of failings, thoughtlessness, and mistakes.
> 
> Please note I only read your first post and couple others so NOT condoning any other horrible stuff he’s done. But, a man begging, harassing his wife for sex.. yeah I’m guilty especially when I was young and dumb. I’ll never be able to to repay my wife’s incredible patience with me. Lord, have mercy on me - a poor sinner!


Very positive post, thank you. 
I honestly get it and see they way you put it. I remember being this wife too and have this husband who would be grateful we’ve had sex when I wasn’t up for it. And Vice Versa! 
But this passion is long gone and I am glad he so far respect my wishes. 
Having a child was always a dream for me. We never tried to adopt but maybe that’s for the best, I was so heartbroken with the disappointment of fertility treatments. 
I think there has been a lot of hurt between us through all those years and all he ever said or done was pushing me into this cold deserted place when I didn’t want to be touched anymore. And luckily, he now gets it.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Let's ask the audience.
> 
> Who thinks a spouse that has said I don't love you and we'll never have sex again, you make me throw up, should be able to stay in the M home and enjoy any other perks of home, hearth, stability, or friendly emotional interactions during the day?
> 
> ...


Yes, but in the real world, moving out requires time and with Covid, things are more complicated. In addition, how do you know but perhaps the house is hers and she earns most of the money. It seems that this specific topic is causing you some triggers. How and when she moves out will depend on them as a STBX couple and no-one else.

Then also explain whey people live 'separated' under the same roof?

It sounds like his controlling ways have caused her love to die so she has already left the marriage emotionally and sexually. Now she just needs to leave physically. He seems to be pretty oblivious too.


----------



## LukeDuke (Apr 23, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Harder, yes, impossible, no.
> She has every right to tell him no, don't misunderstand me. With that he has every right to tell her to leave.
> 
> Or tell her to pay 1/2 of cost of everything, get her own checking account etc immediately, take her name off any joint accounts, if she's not already paying half. Straight roommate if delays in moving.
> ...


I was thinking the exact same thing. She says contradicting things. Theres issues then there really arent and hes a nice dude. She cant leave him and is trapped but has felt no love for him for years. Um wasnt no covid lockdown all those years ago yet she stayed and never left???
Theres just some things that dont add up. Its a "big" house and plenty of room? Someones financially well off, whom? No kids involved serving as anchors to keep either around and fighting for the marriage. Shes felt no love for years, and had sex all those years?
Why NOW would he take her disinterest in sex as being sincere and honest if its been the same way for years? I get the whole no means no concept but i get the sense no hasnt meant no in the past because shes been having emotionless intercourse for some years.
Seems theres a lot of indecision. Hes apparently a nice dude, he may not even grasp how dead the marriage is. Seems he isnt aware where bounderies are. Maybe hes dense or maybe wifes not being as clear with no as she thinks? If he were a A-hole rapist forcing her to have sex considering she says shes not in love with him, i doubt she had a reason to lie about it. Yet "hes a nice guy." 
Just pack your things, call a moving van, load whats yours in it and leave before he comes home tomorrow. Covid isnt what it was a year ago restrictions wise, MOVE!


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

aine said:


> Yes, but in the real world, moving out requires time and with Covid, things are more complicated. In addition, how do you know but perhaps the house is hers and she earns most of the money. It seems that this specific topic is causing you some triggers. How and when she moves out will depend on them as a STBX couple and no-one else.
> 
> Then also explain whey people live 'separated' under the same roof?
> 
> It sounds like his controlling ways have caused her love to die so she has already left the marriage emotionally and sexually. Now she just needs to leave physically. He seems to be pretty oblivious too.


How in the world would one believe it's in not in their own best interests to leave a SO that has clearly stated, repeatedly 

(and let me recap that here): 
"*a spouse that has said I don't love you and we'll never have sex again, you make me throw up*"

No reasons in your post are insurmountable. 

There's no reasons such a person who's said those things should be allowed to reap any benefits from the not even relationship circumstances. 

Let them live their choices. It's ok for them to have their own decisions, sure, but way hypocritical and ridiculous if they think they shouldn't be forced to accept all the responsibilities that come with said decision. 

Immediately.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> How in the world would one believe it's in not in their own best interests to leave a SO that has clearly stated, repeatedly
> 
> (and let me recap that here):
> "*a spouse that has said I don't love you and we'll never have sex again, you make me throw up*"
> ...


I agree, but some people are so entitled that they feel they deserve some sort of benefit from having endured some bad situation or other. My ex-wife did it, I have relatives that felt their kid deserved compensation for the time invested in the marriage (as if the other person didn't also lose that time). And so on.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Kathy07 said:


> I know this might seem like a silly question. Believe me, I am overthinking it for days. Do you have to have sex when you are married?
> 
> There are serious troubles in my marriage. I am fighting with myself for years now, first trying to fix it, then accept it, seeing it as some crisis situation when after all those years of inner battle and unhappiness I just decided I am over and I don’t really love this man anymore.
> Sex is obviously and issue, a very big important issue to him. Doesn’t matter I said I don’t have feelings for him. Doesn’t matter I said I want to split or move out. Obviously current situation makes it really difficult (UK, lockdown) so I am really trapped!
> ...


I have only read your first post here and none of the responses, as I've consciously avoided this thread because it's a triggering issue for me (a sex-refusing partner in a monogamous relationship), but I just want to add my thoughts to this...

The answer is absolutely NO, no one has to have sex with anyone they don't want to EVER. 

But if you are in a marriage and committed and monogamous, I believe you ARE obligated to work to FIX the problem if you feel this way, and then to LEAVE if you cannot. Instead of holding your spouse hostage to only YOUR sexual feelings and desires. 

I'm not saying this as an indictment against you, because like I said, I haven't read any follow-up information. But the sole purpose of committing to a partner in marriage (for ME) is to share sex with him and to be sexual together...otherwise, I'd rather just be free and released from all the other expectations and responsibilities of marriage to that person, and go find someone who wants ME and is sexually into ME, or be happy and alone!

I hope you have taken steps to end your unhappy marriage and to go find what will make you happy without him.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

LisaDiane said:


> I have only read your first post here and none of the responses, as I've consciously avoided this thread because it's a triggering issue for me (a sex-refusing partner in a monogamous relationship), but I just want to add my thoughts to this...
> 
> The answer is absolutely NO, no one has to have sex with anyone they don't want to EVER.
> 
> ...


Exactly right. No one is entitled to sex, but the marriage generally depends on it. Also, it's more accurate to say that either partner is entitled to nothing. For instance, I'll agree that I'm not entitled to sex, but by the same turn my partner is not entitled to have me rub her back, ask about her day, service her car, etc.

IMO (and not specific to this case), that's where trouble starts. People deny sex then expect that everything else will continue on as always and are surprised to find that being a denier has consequences.


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I guess I at least understand his position. You can certainly get divorced. It's over, one understands that. But saying we're trying to work this out but there is no sex seems contradictory. Put another way, what would happen if he said, I am trying to work on my marriage and do counseling but that does not mean I still can't see my girlfriend and have sex with her. Certainly the two can work on boundaries and address the frequency or other issues. It does seem like a power struggle, with neither of you willing to compromise or consider the other's perspective.


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

She wrote, "The only issue is how controlling he is. I have enough being asked where I am going what I am doing, having him constantly on my backs I have no life beside him. He is there all the time. I am constantly lectured how to do things and when I try to make my point and ask not to be treated like a child I am hearing it is all my imagination and he is not controlling at all." That doesn't seem right. Particularly since there are no children, it seems to make sense to end it, the men just don't understand this you're unpleasant, I find you repulsive, I don't want to be with you, but I'm working on my marriage notion. 

Again flipping this, what would happen if a husband said. My wife is a pleasant person, and does a nice job maintaining the house. However, she is somewhat plain-looking and overweight and I've explained that having sex with her seems repulsive, yet she periodically will put on a nice dress, some music, take me out to a nice dinner or light some candles to try to provide a mood which is annoying. Doesn't she understand no means no. Certainly if a man repeatedly rejected his wife, most would say there's a problem in the marriage, and would not suggest she continue the self esteem battering. ,


----------

