# When quantity isn't a problem but quality sucks



## Mrs Nora Barnacle (May 15, 2012)

Hi everyone. I am reading a lot on here about a LD vs HD partner but am wondering if anyone has any advice for a slightly different situation... When the quantity is fine but the quality totally sucks.

My husband is willing to have sex quite frequently 3-4 times/ week, but my problem is it's so damn boring. We have been together 9 years married for 5 and I feel like he was a classic "bait and switch" in that before marriage he loved giving oral sex and was interested in pleasing me. Since we have been married he just wants to shove it in there with no foreplay and always in the same 2 positions. I have tried introducing toys and lube to at least make it slightly pleasant for me but he thinks both of these are "weird". He thinks I should just be naturally instantly wet and he gets angry if I am not and just shoves it in anyway, telling me that I will warm up soon! I love giving BJs but he hasn't returned the favour in about 3 years. The thing is if I stop doing it to him just to prove a point - that is one more thing that era is straight to the action faster when I am just not ready. 

I have tried explaining that I need more foreplay and he always says he will try but then he is too tired at night and he wants to go to sleep. So then it's a vicious cycle of a quickie in the morning again. It's incredibly frustrating and I am almost at the point of giving up - sex is just not pleasurable at all. 

1. We have no kids although he badly wants them
2. We are in our mid to late 30s
3. I work more hours and bring home more money than he does which I know he doesn't like as he is a typical "alpha male", but there is no reason for him to be so tired at 9pm every night when I am full of energy! 
4. He has not kissed me passionately since our wedding day. I haven't suddenly developed a hygiene problem or gained a ton of weight, I exercise frequently. I get pecks on the cheek or occasional peck on the mouth but that's it. 

Has anyone has any luck convincing a totally vanilla/ selfish partner to change their ways and if so how did you do it? Is sex really that important or can someone learn to live with 2 minute quickies forever?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

HOLY CRAP! Shoves it in dry???? ugh That would be the last time my wife wanted sex. (and me for that matter, OUCH) If you have spoken to him about it and he refuses to even try, then you need to figure out a way to let him know that this is not acceptable and will not be tolerated. 

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY do not have children with this selfish prick.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

That's def a different scenario than te norm on here. Most of us guys have these same complaints of our wives, myself included. I don't know too many men that dont enjoy going down on their wives, especially to get everything ready for sex. 

You've already covered the hygiene and weight areas, so I don't have a firm answer for you. 

My wife doesn't like to go down on me and will often rush things to 'get it over with.' she is very LD to my HD and the only guess I have is that your H is doing it to please you and put out the least of efforts on his part. That's the sense I get in my situation.

So I would rather get the boring, vanilla, scripted version of sex (and a lot less frequent than you are getting) than nothing at all. And it's been like that for me or over 15 years.


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## homebuilder (Aug 25, 2012)

40isthenew20 said:


> That's def a different scenario than te norm on here. Most of us guys have these same complaints of our wives, myself included. I don't know too many men that dont enjoy going down on their wives, especially to get everything ready for sex.
> 
> You've already covered the hygiene and weight areas, so I don't have a firm answer for you.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

This is not okay.

Stop sleeping with him until this is resolved.

When men behave like this it's usually because they don't "respect" their woman.

In your case, (since you mentioned the making more money issue...and that bothering him)...I think he might resent you deeply (but disrespect and resentment often bleed together).

In other aspects of your life how does he treat you?

When you're talking with him him does he seem irritated, does he not make much eye-contact, try to end the conversation quickly?

When you give him information (like directions or 
some other piece of general knowledge) is he dismissive?

If the answer is "yes"...then this lends credence to this being a respect/resentment issue...and what you have to do is refuse to tolerate the behavior.

Every time you indulge him with this selfish, one-sided sex with him, you're basically saying: "this is the proper way to treat me", "and I know my place in this relationship".


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Im sorry but that isnt "boring sex" or "vanilla sex" ..thats him using you like a blow up doll..There was another poster here recently (female) same kind of treatment..

If my husband treated me like that I swear to God I would stop having sex with him and not to punish him ..or to teach him a lesson ..but to protect my self and my own dignity and self esteem by not beign treated like a hole for him to stick it in to get off on oblivious to my feelings emotional and physical like I was just an object.

If he feels emasculaized by you making more money than him then he needs to get a second job not try to prove hes a man by acting like an ape ..(if thats what his problem is)..

Oh and news flash?Real men know how to please a woman..Real men WANT to please a woman..

Also if by chance he looks at porn he needs to turn it off...and start turning you on ...


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> *Im sorry but that isnt "boring sex" or "vanilla sex" ..thats him using you like a blow up doll..There was another poster here recently (female) same kind of treatment..*


 I agree with this...and your wording of your situation is problematic

Don't "window-dress" this...or down-play it...this isn't a vanilla sex issue...this is sexual disrespect.

Very different things


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

IndiaInk said:


> I agree with this...and your wording of your situation is problematic
> 
> Don't "window-dress" this...or down-play it...this isn't a vanilla sex issue...this is sexual disrespect.
> 
> Very different things


Exactly vanilla sex or "boring sex" isnt in my defintion about utter and complete INDIFFERENCE as to if your spouse gets any pleasure at all..and feels like a mastabatory tool...

Vanilla sex(if its a complaint) to me is more about desirign a little more VARIETY..as to how you ENJOY it..what this OP describes is she gets NO PLEASURE in fact it sounds like "displeasure" while he gets off..

It would be like if I decided I was horny one morning and just jumped on my husbands face and started girating wildly for 2 mintues ..had an orgasm then just got up and walked off..How woudl he feel?USED ..disrepected ..not considered..Like what am I?A FACE that I USE to get off on ..I hardly think he would call it "vanilla sex" or "boring sex"..

And before someone says "thats sounds hot" ..ASSUME that was how it was routinely and thats all he could expect out of sex with me..

Dallas


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Depressed? Not kissing you..tired by 9pm even though he doesnt work that much...sounds like depression. I'm no shrink though.

Shoving it in dry gives me the rape creeps though. 

Do not give in to this.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Shoving it in dry gives me the rape creeps though.


Yeah I call it "rapey"..or "rapish"..

Even though its not "technically" the callousness and indifference gives it that "feel" ..

Its clearly beyond "boring" or "vanilla" sex..Its "mistreatment" ..


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

Mrs Nora Barnacle said:


> I have tried explaining that I need more foreplay and he always says he will try but then he is too tired at night and he wants to go to sleep. So then it's a vicious cycle of a quickie in the morning again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't even think about kids until this is resolved! I hope you are using birth control. If he isn't willing to change and change fast, I think you should leave.

I don't get why you give him a quickie in the morning after he has refused to spend time on foreplay at night. You are enabling his poor behavior. He has no incentive to change.

If you want anything to change, you need to be strong and not waver or lower your standards. Take care of your own needs for a while (vibrator for example), and be absolutely firm with him 100% of the time. Tell him there will no NO more sex without passionate French kissing first and then at least X mins of him giving you oral sex (maybe even tell him you need to O first if that is what you want). He will be angry about this until he gets used to the new system- too bad for him! He might avoid any sex with you and try to get you to fold until he realizes you are 100% serious, no exceptions. He will also try to get you to fold by saying he is 'trying, and you need to be patient', yada yada. Tell him you will be very patient and live without sex unless he takes care of your needs before his. If he can't handle this and won't change, you are better off finding someone else.

Give him the book 'She Comes First'.


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## Mrs Nora Barnacle (May 15, 2012)

Thanks so much your responses have given me a bit of a shock. You're all absolutely right I think I was thinking I should be grateful for getting any kind of action. But I have been reading this forum a lot before posting and was reading about guys wanting to make their ladies squirt etc and I was thinking hang on a second I am missing out on a hell of a lot of fun!!! 

I do feel like a blow up doll to be honest. I have tried giving some hints like touch my breasts first etc but he closes his eyes right and gropes for 10 seconds and it's just not sensual or a turn on. 

Outside the bedroom he is mostly great. He helps around the house and cooks a lot, as I work long hours, but we are fortunate enough to have a cleaner so the housework is frankly minimal. 

I do think it might be a respect issue combined with a bit of depression. He made a very derogatory comment about me in front of my boss a few months ago at a work dinner and I couldn't believe he had been so mean. He has issues at work that are getting him down and I put it down to this. But yeah - I think it's time to start being more demanding. I am starting to cry at movies where people are kissing because I think I will never be kissed like that again. I am not generally a crier so this is ridiculous!!

Thanks so much to all of you for taking the time to write and make me feel better.


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## EddyHruby (Sep 3, 2012)

That's def a different scenario than te norm on here.


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