# Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

and you do not like that about him, how do you cope with it?

I could not be with someone like that. I am definitely a "Take me as I am or leave me" kind of wife.

I just cannot imagine staying with a guy whose desire is dependent on my weight, or whether I wear makeup, or how I dress. The thought makes me laugh, actually. Talk about handing over his power to me! Even if he cannot help it, I guess.

Anyway, if you are with a guy like that, and you don't like it, how do you cope? Do you think about leaving him? What prevents you from doing that?


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I once dated a guy whose ex wife was a fitness model! He had anger issues...

I don't wear make up, I don't go to salons to do my hair, I do not get manicures, or pedicures. Sometimes, I do feel as if the person I am with would rather be with a woman
who "prims" herself with make up and nice things...

This feeling eventually goes away. I like me.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

ne9907 said:


> I once dated a guy whose ex wife was a fitness model! He had anger issues...
> 
> I don't wear make up, I don't go to salons to do my hair, I do not get manicures, or pedicures. Sometimes, I do feel as if the person I am with would rather be with a woman
> who "prims" herself with make up and nice things...
> ...


Beautiful!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

jld said:


> and you do not like that about him, how do you cope with it?
> 
> I could not be with someone like that. I am definitely a "Take me as I am or leave me" kind of wife.
> 
> ...


For me it was a long term relationship post divorce. I gained some weight over the years heading into late 40s (not enough to even change my clothing size, my same years old US size 6 pants still fit). He would make comments. Rude. Continual. There were other relationship issues, but that bit about my weight, given that my SAME years old clothes still fit and that I actually liked having more of a weight cushion in case I got sick and lost a ton of weight (as is what happens to me) turned me off completely. Ended it!


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

First, you are only asking ladies. And, this is a "pre-loaded" question. 

Note: there is putting on weight and putting on a "lot of weight".

2d Note: There is going without makeup, not fixing up your hair and not wearing stylish clothing and there is never wearing makeup, keeping your hair unkempt and greasy and wearing baggy sweat pants and sweat shirts most of the time.

If you think men should typically not give a damn whether his wife is obese, slovenly and unattractive then you are delusional. It is one thing if a man married such a women, it is another if she changed her appearance, as mentioned, after marriage.

Men are visually inclined. A married women is free to act and dress as she pleases. She is also free to break up her marriage by her choices. A wife should be loved passionately, but sorry, not unconditionally. If a women does not love herself and lets herself go, then she risks letting her marriage go.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Livvie said:


> For me it was a long term relationship post divorce. I gained some weight over the years heading into late 40s (not enough to even change my clothing size, my same years old US size 6 pants still fit). He would make comments. Rude. Continual. There were other relationship issues, but that bit about my weight, given that my SAME years old clothes still fit and that I actually liked having more of a weight cushion in case I got sick and lost a ton of weight (as is what happens to me) turned me off completely. Ended it!


Yay! Freedom!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

ulyssesheart said:


> First, you are only asking ladies. And, this is a "pre-loaded" question.
> 
> Note: there is putting on weight and putting on a "lot of weight".
> 
> ...


The question is to women, and it is a specific one.

If I had a question for men on the subject, I would go ask it in Men's Clubhouse.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

.


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

jld said:


> The question is to women, and it is a specific one.
> 
> If I had a question for men on the subject, I would go ask it in Men's Clubhouse.


Yes you did. Sorry.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Reading this back.. I probably shouldn't have replied either , like ulyssesheart.. sorry jld... 

When you really think about it.. it could be many other things besides weight....where a husband is feeling increasing bothered over "___________________________". 

Example: Not keeping the house up enough, not contributing enough financially...falling short in other areas that matter to him -yet she just doesn't feel that way at all.. 

This is one you'd never put up with (a deal breaker for you).....

I don't think any of us want to feel "intense pressure" where we ourselves just don't feel that way.. again.. could be many things -like my example of being married to a "Fitness junky"... I'd resent that sort of pressure.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> There are plenty other things that would bother me if I wasn't accepted by a man...the weight thing is just not one of them...
> 
> Due to threads here & opening up this conversation...Yes.. my husband would *lose desire* if I gained too much, he'd still love me but basically our sex life would suffer... I can't have that, I wouldn't be able to handle it !!!... We've talked about it openly.... I feel the same as him.. so it's an equal thing here -in how we see this, at least we're compatible in it..
> 
> ...


Lol, I am wearing one of those nightgowns right now!  Dug thinks they're cute!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

@jld... question: Do you acknowledge that some men have an "emotional need" in this area or do you strike that down as the height of shallowness, even shameful if they do...as if they can help this... 

Can we help or switch what our deepest desires are , what gives rise to our emotional fulfillment's ? You have always been magnetically attracted to high intelligence/ the educated type- where a man's looks has a much lower effect... can you switch this off ? 

What about some of us having an emotional need for Financial Support ..should we be ashamed.. or try to deny it -if we lose attraction to a man who isn't earning enough, or struggles to hold a job making the income level we married him at... I think back on that thread where the wife's career took off, breaking the glass ceiling, his income faltered...you felt strongly she should just leave him since her attraction was lost, asking "what is she supposed to do?"... you had great sympathy for her turmoil and seen this as the only answer.. 

Isn't this really the same thing.. Both would be seen as shallow... is one worse over the other?? and why? If anything.. it shows Love does not conquer all.

So you feel like this woman -her letter to Dr Harley:

Meeting The Emotional Need For Physical Attractiveness - Letter to Dr Harley  



> Dear Dr. Harley,
> 
> My husband and I have read His Needs, Her Needs and agree with most of it, *but I was totally disgusted with your viewpoint on women's appearance*. At the time, I was so offended that I couldn't stomach any more of your views and had to put the book down.
> 
> ...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> @jld... question: Do you acknowledge that some men have an "emotional need" in this area or do you strike that down as the height of shallowness, even shameful if they do...as if they can help this...
> 
> Can we help or switch what our deepest desires, what gives rise to our emotional fulfillment's ? You have always been magnetically attracted to high intelligence/ the educated type- where a man's looks just doesn't enter in... can you switch this off ?
> 
> ...


Oh, I absolutely think people are entitled to their own views, values, needs. Adult relationships are a free market.

Would it be worth it to me to be with a man like that? Nope. But he is certainly entitled to seek that out. 

And that may be exactly what another woman wants in a man. They would then be a great fit.

To me this is not about shame. It is about freedom and the right fit. 

Does that seem clearer?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I couldn't be with a man like that. Bodies change over time, we age, things sag and metabolism changes. And besides, I want a man to love me for ME, not my body type.

I've always been a sapiosexual, myself. A man's brain and personality is what attracts me to him. I've dated men of all shapes and sizes, although I do have a thing for bigger, burly guys. They make me feel petite and dainty. My current partner is tall and meaty, and he does have a little bit of a belly. It bothers him, and he's said on more than one occasion, how can you be with a guy who is so fat? It's never bothered me. I actually like his belly. I don't want him to gain any more weight, but that's because of health reasons more than anything else, and because it would impact our sex life (from a physical ability standpoint and the fact that weight gain would screw with his hormones and lower his sex drive). I would be ok with him losing weight for the same reason, and also because I know that would make him happier about himself and healthier, not because it would make him more attractive to me. I've seen pictures of him when he was younger and thinner. I don't think he understands that is who I see when I look at him, because I see HIM.

And I want a man who thinks the same way.

I know my partner does. He has some, er, clothing items from a previous time in his life. He says his XW never wore them, but I realized by looking at them that he has dated some MUCH smaller women in the past. He wanted me to wear some. (Yes, that's messed up. I dealt with it, and he now realizes how messed up it was to ask me. no need to discuss.) I looked at them, and before he ever asked, I knew they would never fit me. But when he asked me to wear them, I realized that my body size doesn't register with him--how could it, if he thinks I would be able to wear these things, which to me so obviously will not fit? That was when I realized that he sees ME, not my size, and it was a very touching moment, despite the other part of it that was kind of screwed up.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I will add that my partner's requirements, or need, for physical attractiveness isn't based on body type or my size. So, I think this can vary for men.

I do have a great a$$ and a great rack (and I would at any size), so he likes when I wear something that emphasizes one or both (given the choice, he would go with boobs). And he thinks I'm look great without makeup, but he also likes it when I do wear makeup. So, if we are going out, and I'm running behind, I'll say, I'm just going to skip the makeup... and he'll say, no, do your makeup, it won't matter if we're a little late. There are certain nighties and PJs that he likes, and others he doesn't. There are certain hairstyles that he likes. These are all things I can, and am happy to, do for him to meet the physical appearance need.

He does the same for me. He wears clothes that he knows I like, and solicits my opinion on his clothing choice all the time. He styles his hair in a way he knows I like. He trims his nose and ear hair, lol.

It goes both ways


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I had to look up the term sapiosexual. Now that I see its meaning, I guess I can lump myself into that category too. I have never found a human being attractive just by looking at them. If you can engage my mind, you can instantly become attractive to me. I need intelligence and a sense of humor. Looks are secondary. 

My H and I are an odd match. He is actually shorter and heavier than me. His personality hooked me and reeled me in. I never had any thoughts about his looks. 

I would only be happy with someone who felt the same way as I do. If someone was too picky about looks or weight, it would turn me off instantly. I get that a lot of men are that way. I don't hold it against them. I just know it would be an instant incompatibility between us and we wouldn't last past the first couple of dates. 

Fwiw, my weight fluctuates by 20 lbs or so up and down. I am tall so I stay the same clothing size, just firmer or softer depending on where I fall on the scale. My Hs weight fluctuates much more wildly than mine does. Metabolism differences I guess. I've been with him through 75lbs of fluctuation. He's on the heavier side right now. I don't really care except that it makes his snoring at night atrocious. That has nothing to do with looks though.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ulyssesheart said:


> First, you are only asking ladies. And, this is a "pre-loaded" question.
> 
> Note: there is putting on weight and putting on a "lot of weight".
> 
> ...



Why do women have to wear make up?I never do and I have excellent skin and am often being told I look younger than I am. I dont see the point of make up.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Why do women have to wear make up?I never do and I have excellent skin and am often being told I look younger than I am. I dont see the point of make up.


My husband has told me time and time again that he likes me without makeup and that he never saw the need for woman to put it on and that woman with too much makeup on was a turn off for him. As for the weight issues he never would say anything when i was heavier or nor would his desire to have sex with me dwindle but once he told me that he was not as attracted to me when i was heavier and that comment has never left me and still bother some today, but not in the way that he hurt my feeling but more so in the way that I feel upset with myself for letting myself go and not taking more time to keep my weight in check.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Why do women have to wear make up?I never do and I have excellent skin and am often being told I look younger than I am. I dont see the point of make up.


I don't wear a lot of makeup, and I don't use it to hide anything or look like something I'm not. I use very natural-looking makeup, more to emphasize what I already have going on than anything else. And I usually only wear it when going out. I just enjoy wearing it.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

jld said:


> and you do not like that about him, how do you cope with it?
> 
> I could not be with someone like that. I am definitely a "Take me as I am or leave me" kind of wife.
> 
> ...



I was skinny with thick coke bottle glasses. Basically I was a nerd and not woman bait.

I decided to weight train and get laser eye surgery. Reasons were I wanted to be a man, size, strength, presence and I hated the coke bottle glasses, so 20 / 20 vision now with the laser eye procedure.

I did this for myself but also for my wife, Mrs.CuddleBug. I never needed to have a fire under my ass either. I am not lazy, so I focused, and got it done.

I'm not the type of guy to say, take me as I am because I am too lazy and unmotivated to better myself. People like that should stay single and are in it for themselves.


Mrs.CuddleBug was a bigger girl, always talked about getting in shape and going to a gym. She finally started this a few years ago, lost a lot of weight, but then started missing days going to the gym,and has now completely stopped. She has gained back all the weight and more.....she still talks about her needing to go to the gym.....

I don't find her physically attractive because of her size. It's not sexy, attractive or healthy.


When married, you are to take care of yourself obviously and not get comfy, lazy and let yourself go. That equals divorce.....then they go to the gym finally, get in great shape and are single. Makes no sense.

When married you are not single anymore. You are to take care of your other halves needs as your own and you are not your own anymore.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I would take great concern about my SO's weight and general health concerns, greatly provided that that issue presented itself as a notable health hazard to them!

And by the very same token, if my weight or general health ever became an issue to our relationship in her eyes, then I'd fully expect to hear from her about it!

In my minds eye, a woman's or mans personality, temperament, empathy, and educational acumen/intelligence trumps their beauty/handsomeness any day!*


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

My rather naive take when I was first married, was that we loved each other no matter what we looked like. As we both gained weight, I was less attracted to him and he was less attracted to me, although he was always quick to deny that and tell me he was attracted to me. The wakeup call was probably him cheating. That's when I guess I realized that my appearance was the least of our problems. But I did realize all of a sudden how important one's appearance is in marriage - not to be made up but that you show you're putting in an effort to stay in shape and maintain your appearance and more importantly your health so you can grow together as a couple.

I learned from my failed marriage - both the things to avoid in a partner (lying, sugar-coating etc.) and the things I could stand to change about myself. In the end, I lost weight for me, and for my son. While I'm realistic that in a relationship you will eventually see the other person at their worst (sick or exhausted or disheveled or experiencing the inevitable bumps in the road), I do think when I am ready for a serious relationship again, I will try my best to respect my body and myself and stay healthy, both outside and inside. While I think it's natural to try and be encouraging to your spouse, if I ever became overweight again and was in a relationship, I'd like to think I'd pick a partner who would tell me "honey, I'm worried about you. You have gained a little weight lately. Is everything OK? What can I do to help you get back on track." Because when you love someone, you shouldn't just tell them what they want to hear. You should tell them what they need to hear.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Sorry, had to be away from the thread since early yesterday. Just want to remind everyone of the original question, which is specifically to the ladies, as we seem to be getting a bit afield:



jld said:


> and you do not like that about him, how do you cope with it?
> 
> I could not be with someone like that. I am definitely a "Take me as I am or leave me" kind of wife.
> 
> ...


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

jld said:


> and you do not like that about him, how do you cope with it?
> 
> Anyway, if you are with a guy like that, and you don't like it, how do you cope? Do you think about leaving him? What prevents you from doing that?


I posted my "story" on another thread yesterday morning. My husband is one that cares about my weight and it certainly affects his attraction to me. He's said some hurtful things to me in the past and while maybe they're true, they could have been said in a better way. 

No, I don't like it. I think he can be a hypocrite although he has lost weight recently. Yet he still has a belly which doesn't bother me at all. And I also think he has unrealistic expectations which could be from porn. 

Yes, I've thought about leaving him MANY, MANY times but it's not because of the weight issue. I'm sure y'all know the reason why I've thought about leaving, if you're familiar with my story. The reason why I haven't left is because I WANT the marriage to work. He is actually the one that is fighting hard to not separate. He refuses to. I committed to him many years ago and I won't leave without trying everything that I can. 

He needs me to lose weight to save the marriage. I need him to cut back dramatically on the drinking to save the marriage. We both have to do what we say we're going to do otherwise, it will not survive.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> I posted my "story" on another thread yesterday morning. My husband is one that cares about my weight and it certainly affects his attraction to me. He's said some hurtful things to me in the past and while maybe they're true, they could have been said in a better way.
> 
> No, I don't like it. I think he can be a hypocrite although he has lost weight recently. Yet he still has a belly which doesn't bother me at all. And I also think he has unrealistic expectations which could be from porn.
> 
> ...


Thanks for sharing that, tropical. So your reason for staying is the commitment you made years ago? Is it just that? Or is there perhaps more to it? 

Just trying to go a little deeper here.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

jld said:


> Thanks for sharing that, tropical. So your reason for staying is the commitment you made years ago? Is it just that? Or is there perhaps more to it?
> 
> Just trying to go a little deeper here.


It's never just as simple as that! I can't hurt him. I think it would break his heart. I also think that if I left, he would drown himself in a bottle. I feel guilty and as if I would be responsible for that.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> It's never just as simple as that! I can't hurt him. I think it would break his heart. I also think that if I left, he would drown himself in a bottle. I feel guilty and as if I would be responsible for that.


Thanks for being transparent with us, tropical. 

Are you in counseling? Has your therapist talked about where your responsibilities to him end, and the ones to yourself begin?


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

....


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

jld said:


> Thanks for being transparent with us, tropical.
> 
> Are you in counseling? Has your therapist talked about where your responsibilities to him end, and the ones to yourself begin?


No, I'm not in counseling. I'm sure that I would really benefit from it. My co-dependency is not good. :wink2:

(BTW-My husband has never told me that he would leave me if I didn't lose weight.)


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> No, I'm not in counseling. I'm sure that I would really benefit from it. My co-dependency is not good. :wink2:
> 
> (BTW-My husband has never told me that he would leave me if I didn't lose weight.)


Any particular reason you are not in counseling?


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

jld said:


> Any particular reason you are not in counseling?


Good question. 

Fear of facing my emotions and dealing with them. I would rather be happy and focus on the things that are going right. I don't want to focus on the negative crap. Counseling is going to open up a can of worms.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Good question.
> 
> Fear of facing my emotions and dealing with them. I would rather be happy and focus on the things that are going right. I don't want to focus on the negative crap. Counseling is going to open up a can of worms.


It will, hon. You will indeed have to face your fears. You will come out stronger for having done so.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Diana7 said:


> Why do women have to wear make up?I never do and I have excellent skin and am often being told I look younger than I am. I dont see the point of make up.


I personally love a little mascara (too much just looks bad) and some lip stick... My husband tells me I don't need to wear anything.... it's more ME who wants to do this.. so it's no pressure from him.. which is nice.. but I feel naked if I leave the house with no mascara on - at the very least..


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Why do women have to wear make up?I never do and I have excellent skin and am often being told I look younger than I am. I dont see the point of make up.


I enjoy wearing makeup. It's part of my "look". I'll admit it gets to be a chore when i put it on for work 5 days a week. I never wear it on the weekends unless we're going out. I love trying new products and new techniques. I'm a girly girl lol.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Good question.
> 
> Fear of facing my emotions and dealing with them. I would rather be happy and focus on the things that are going right. I don't want to focus on the negative crap. Counseling is going to open up a can of worms.


I can certainly understand this. Deciding to go to IC is a huge commitment.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

lucy999 said:


> I enjoy wearing makeup. It's part of my "look". I'll admit it gets to be a chore when i put it on for work 5 days a week. I never wear it on the weekends unless we're going out. I love trying new products and new techniques. I'm a girly girl lol.


I'm a Girly girl and a Tom Boy.. I have dug ditches in a dress... I'm weird like that... I want some make up,.. but one thing I could never stand.. never cared about is : long nails.. they would get far too beat up, torn off or whatever - just doing things I need to get done around the house, helping him under a vehicle or something.... I would find it very annoying to have to watch my nails don't fall off... but I love to paint them!


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I'm a Girly girl and a Tom Boy.. I have dug ditches in a dress... I'm weird like that... I want some make up,.. but one thing I could never stand.. never cared about is : long nails.. they would get far too beat up, torn off or whatever - just doing things I need to get done around the house... I would find it very annoying to have to watch my nails don't fall off... but I love to paint them!


I've thought for awhile that you're the perfect woman. You have great taste in music, you're such a loving mother, and you're not high maintenance. You can get down with the boys, then be your girly self when you wanna. Pretty cool!


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

lucy999 said:


> I enjoy wearing makeup. It's part of my "look". I'll admit it gets to be a chore when i put it on for work 5 days a week. I never wear it on the weekends unless we're going out. I love trying new products and new techniques. I'm a girly girl lol.


I'll wear eye makeup during the week. It's really neutral and takes me 5 minutes max to put it on. I usually don't wear makeup on weekends either. I'm always pretty good about washing my face both morning and evening. I wish I would have been better about sunscreen in my earlier days! 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

lucy999 said:


> I can certainly understand this. Deciding to go to IC is a huge commitment.


I work for a large corporation but their coverage is crap in this area. They have an EAP which gives you 5 sessions per year with only certain selected counselors. I doubt much can be accomplished in 5 sessions, and then you're at their mercy at paying their regular rate when the freebies end. I'd rather select my own counseling and just pay myself. 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

jld said:


> and you do not like that about him, how do you cope with it?


Yes...all of the men I've had LTR's with have cared. Can I answer even if that doesn't bother me? 

It just doesn't bother me. I love feeling strong mutual physical and sexual attraction with a partner. I would not be able to function sexually without it. I love me, I like the way I look and I like my body. I want to be with a man who feels the same way about himself and who *I* am specifically attracted to. And I want him to be so strongly attracted to me, as I am, that he can't keep his hands or eyes off me.

The "as I am" part...I haven't significantly changed in weight since high school, and I'm 49 years old. I have always done what need to to maintain my body and health. I am a fit person, but not a hard body (never go to the gym, I just stay active). I enjoy moving through space, my body is my favorite vehicle. I want my man to love my body and want me, "as I am". 

Since I have chosen for myself to always maintain my fitness and size, it is not an issue for me to think of whether he would care if I gained weight or not. I simply won't. Which is a choice entirely about myself, no one else. (I have to work at this...I'm not one of those naturally thin people who eats whatever they want).

I do know that every man I've been in an LTR with has cared, as I said above, and the reason I know is because they said words to the effect that they loved my body so much and couldn't imagine me not having it...that I just wouldn't be the same without it. And it is true, I agree, I wouldn't be the same. The way I look, move, have sex, wear clothes...none of that would be the same.

However....I also know if I were 20 or 40 pounds heavier, for instance, a whole different subgroup of men would be MORE attracted to me. And they would say the same thing to me...that they love my body so much and couldn't imagine me not having it. They wouldn't want me to lose weight, they would love all the extra cushioning and curves. 

I love that men want our bodies...all different sizes and shapes of them...I love that we inspire lust in men with our bodies. This is a natural thing that happens, we are designed this way. It makes me tingle all over when I think of the strong pull that is caused by this irresistible attraction.

None of the men I've been with have ever gained or lost any significant amount of weight during our relationship. I was very attracted to all of them, they all had fantastic bodies (my opinion, not saying everyone would agree) with different body types. I would have felt less attracted to any of them if they gained or lost significant amounts of weight.

During all of my relationships, both of us have gone up or down maybe 10 pounds once in awhile...after holidays, etc....this is insignificant and never affected our attraction for each other. I don't know how much weight it would take to change our attraction, but certainly small fluctuations are not even noticed and even if they are noticed, it can be fun to be a little "different" in our shapes for a little while.

Maintaining our bodies and fitness is never a topic that we have worried about or had any sort of disagreement about. If we discuss our bodies, it is to discuss how much we love them (our own and the other's).


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Think it's important to know what's important to the person you're marrying, so you're not surprised by things after marriage. I can't imagine being with a guy who would judge me for gaining say 10 -20 lbs, but if I became very over weight, and it was unhealthy...would it be wrong of him to tell me? No, and it wouldn't be wrong of me to tell my partner that, either. Health and fitness are important to me and my fiance (and most guys I've dated, tbh) so for now, it's not an issue. But, it's not coming from a place of vanity, although it feels good to look our best, I think? It's more coming from a place of health.

That said, if the husband is out of shape, then he shouldn't expect his wife to be a 10. lol I've observed that with men in relationships, and it's like...you should only request from your partner what you're capable of offering, IMO.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Yes...all of the men I've had LTR's with have cared. Can I answer even if that doesn't bother me?
> 
> It just doesn't bother me. I love feeling strong mutual physical and sexual attraction with a partner. I would not be able to function sexually without it. I love me, I like the way I look and I like my body. I want to be with a man who feels the same way about himself and who *I* am specifically attracted to. And I want him to be so strongly attracted to me, as I am, that he can't keep his hands or eyes off me.
> 
> ...


I can appreciate this POV. 

I'm not heavy either, honestly. I am definitely not fit, but wouldn't say I'm fat or even close to it. 

There's just something about being caught up in appearances that offends me. I can't put my finger on it and I don't judge other people's relationships if they've got a system that works. It's just a personal hang up. 

Some of my best friends through out life have been heavy. Some significantly, morbidly obese. I've watched on the sidelines how that affects every part of their daily life...and worse, how others treat them because of their weight. At best, they are invisible to others. At worse, people are disgusted by them. But they are genuinely some of the best people I've ever met. It hurts my heart to think that they would struggle as they do over a physical trait of their body. 

I was lucky enough to always be naturally thin and got used to men checking me out everywhere I went. I thought it was just one of those parts of being a woman, until I realized that my heavier friends never experienced it and even sometimes found men making fun of them or openly expressing disgust. I guess I was naive! But man would it make me angry! 

Sorry for the tangent.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> I posted my "story" on another thread yesterday morning. My husband is one that cares about my weight and it certainly affects his attraction to me. He's said some hurtful things to me in the past and while maybe they're true, they could have been said in a better way.
> 
> No, I don't like it. I think he can be a hypocrite although he has lost weight recently. Yet he still has a belly which doesn't bother me at all. And I also think he has unrealistic expectations which could be from porn.
> 
> ...


So he drinks too much, has a belly and views porn. And he wants YOU to work hard at saving the marriage? 

You deserve better.  Lose the weight FOR YOU. Be fit FOR YOU. Granted, I do believe in couples staying fit to be attractive for each other, but it sounds like he is a jerk about it to you, and meanwhile, he isn't fit. Imagine if you told him...lose that belly if you want to save the marriage? lol


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Yes...all of the men I've had LTR's with have cared. Can I answer even if that doesn't bother me?
> 
> It just doesn't bother me. I love feeling strong mutual physical and sexual attraction with a partner. I would not be able to function sexually without it. I love me, I like the way I look and I like my body. I want to be with a man who feels the same way about himself and who *I* am specifically attracted to. And I want him to be so strongly attracted to me, as I am, that he can't keep his hands or eyes off me.
> 
> ...


Thanks for sharing your thoughts, FW. They are always worth reading. 

I tried to keep the thread focused, as I know the subject of weight is broad. Maybe more threads will open up to discuss other aspects of it.

I really cannot figure out why a woman would stay with a man who would harp on her weight, or just in general not love her body as it is. Not if she were able to leave him, anyway. 

Hoping there will be more responses on this puzzling question . . .


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

kag123 said:


> I can appreciate this POV.
> 
> I'm not heavy either, honestly. I am definitely not fit, but wouldn't say I'm fat or even close to it.
> 
> ...


I have seen what you are describing, and it makes me sick, too (when men or women are cruel to others based on their size or shape...or for any other reason). 

But I have also seen kind of the opposite of what you describe. I have heavy female friends who get hit on all the time by men who aren't attracted to stick figures. These friends know they are beautiful inside and out, and the world reflects that back to them, too. 

I don't think that just because I am a certain size or weight that mine is the ideal size or weight. All shapes and sizes are beautiful and there are those who are attracted to each type. My size is only ideal for me. My girlfriend who is a lovely thick and beautiful woman is the ideal size for her. Neither of us are concerned about men who are attracted to each other, that means we aren't their type and typically they aren't our types, either. We tend to attract men who are our types. Nature helps us out this way. There's someone for everyone.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

jld said:


> I really cannot figure out why a woman would stay with a man who would harp on her weight, or just in general not love her body as it is. Not if she were able to leave him, anyway.
> 
> Hoping there will be more responses on this puzzling question . . .


I don't see any reason either partner should "harp" on the other about weight. If a wife or husband gained weight and their spouse didn't like it so much that they would "harp" about it, I think they'd be better off parting ways.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> I don't see any reason either partner should "harp" on the other about weight. If a wife or husband gained weight and their spouse didn't like it so much that they would "harp" about it, I think they'd be better off parting ways.


I agree, FW.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> So he drinks too much, has a belly and views porn. And he wants YOU to work hard at saving the marriage?
> 
> You deserve better.  Lose the weight FOR YOU. Be fit FOR YOU. Granted, I do believe in couples staying fit to be attractive for each other, but it sounds like he is a jerk about it to you, and meanwhile, he isn't fit. Imagine if you told him...lose that belly if you want to save the marriage? lol


He does work out quite a bit; I think it's more weight lifting than cardio though. He always talks about his workout friends at the gym so I always have this picture of him standing around chit chatting with everyone! LOL. And my guess is, the calories come from the vodka & diet root beer that he drinks. And he really likes pizza. I do like men that have more meat on them so it doesn't bother me at all (to a certain point). Any extra weight will go to his stomach & face. 

Last week, I had bought a new scale that measures my body fat in addition to weight and it sends the info to my Fit Bit phone app. He apparently got on the scale Saturday night, then came to bed and announced that he didn't like what the scale said. LOL. I had to chuckle at that one. So on Sunday, he was asking me if I planned on working out because he wanted to join me! Another chuckle. . . . 

He doesn't harp on me about it. It's come up 3 times that I can remember (we've been married over 15 years).


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm sure my hb would care if I put on a lot, particularly if it was due to me being lazy.

I think he'd be more tolerant if it was beyond my control.

I'd feel the same way about him. 

I've said before that I think everyone cares about weight, it's just that we all have different ranges we're ok with. Almost nobody would be ok with their partner ballooning to the point where they couldn't walk.

But 20 pounds might not bother a lot of people. 

I did gain some weight a couple of years ago, maybe 15-20 pounds.....mostly due to running injuries and bad food choices. God bless my hb he never said a word and is better off for it, because I decided to deal with the weight myself. I'm sure he noticed because I don't carry it well. 

I do think one has to be reasonable and allow for a little fluctuation due to life happening. I know I've told my hb that he has 20 pounds before I'd even notice let alone care, but he's bigger and carries weight better than me. 

I gain 10 pounds and my face blows up. 

It's funny, I've lost all of it and more and people do comment. Because of how poorly I carry it always looks like I've lost more than I actually have. Hb's response is usually along the lines of "well she's been running a bit more, but she's always looked great".

He knows I'm private.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm sure my hb would care if I put on a lot, particularly if it was due to me being lazy.
> 
> I think he'd be more tolerant if it was beyond my control.
> 
> ...


Life, if a husband cared about a wife's weight, and she did *not* like that about him, what would you advise her?


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## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

It wouldn't have bothered me that my STBX was bothered by my weight gain if he hadn't been so hypocritical about it.

I'm 5'5. He's 6'3 1/2. When we met I was 19 years old and 110 pounds (underweight). He was 21 years old and 220 pounds (slightly overweight but he carried it well.)

By the time I hit 130 pounds, at 30 years old, he was complaining about my weight even though it was actually at a healthier point for my height. He was around 280 by then which was definitely both overweight and unhealthy. He pushed me to lose weight with putdowns like you're such a pig these days. I tried to get him to lose weight by telling him I was concerned about his health. But we never actually argued or fought about it.

Then I got pregnant. My weight topped out at 153 which my OB was actually concerned was too low. My H thought I was disgusting. He wouldn't touch me and starting sleeping in the guest room bed. When I was 5 months pregnant he started an affair with his ex-gf from high school. Two months after our son was born he left me for her. He was probably 300 pounds at this point so his complaints about my weight were incredibly hypocritical.

The woman he left me for? She's only 4'10 and weighs about 90 pounds. I can't imagine how they have sex.

Last time I saw him, which was 6 years ago, he was probably pushing 350. He looked awful - flabby and bloated and unhealthy. But he had the nerve to tell me that *l* looked like ****. I was sitting around 150 pounds at the time which at my height isn't even seriously overweight - I'm still a size 8. But somehow or other he still gets women. He just doesn't keep them for long. Maybe they get sick of the hypocritical shallowness as well.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Hellomynameis said:


> It wouldn't have bothered me that my STBX was bothered by my weight gain if he hadn't been so hypocritical about it.
> 
> I'm 5'5. He's 6'3 1/2. When we met I was 19 years old and 110 pounds (underweight). He was 21 years old and 220 pounds (slightly overweight but he carried it well.)
> 
> ...


Wow. How did you not leave him on the spot when you heard that?


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## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

jld said:


> Wow. How did you not leave him on the spot when you heard that?



At least in part because we were living over 1000 miles from home and family at the time, he was the primary breadwinner, and I was still a college student. He was a professor and I was getting free tuition because of it. I've also always had low self esteem - he convinced me if I left him I'd never find someone else who would want me. He was apparently right too - in 13 years since he left I've never even been asked on a single date, despite the fact that I stopped wearing my wedding ring way back in 2007 and I certainly don't make a point of telling people that I'm still legally married.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Hellomynameis said:


> At least in part because we were living over 1000 miles from home and family at the time, he was the primary breadwinner, and I was still a college student. He was a professor and I was getting free tuition because of it. I've also always had low self esteem - he convinced me if I left him I'd never find someone else who would want me. He was apparently right too - in 13 years since he left I've never even been asked on a single date, despite the fact that I stopped wearing my wedding ring way back in 2007 and I certainly don't make a point of telling people that I'm still legally married.


Why are you not divorced?


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## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

jld said:


> Why are you not divorced?


Originally because I needed his health insurance. I have serious health issues and he has some of the best insurance available. At this point, it's because he's expatriated and I don't know where he is. Plus the lawyer I talked to said an international divorce would cost thousands. I'm trying to support myself and my son on $900/month so an expensive divorce is out of the question. I'm trying to catch him when he's in country but it's usually only a few short visits per year. I had divorce papers served to his mother's house just last week, I'm hoping he'll visit her when he's in the States for the SuperBowl next month. Assuming he even goes now that Green Bay is out. He might just resell his tickets.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Hellomynameis said:


> Originally because I needed his health insurance. I have serious health issues and he has some of the best insurance available. At this point, it's because he's expatriated and I don't know where he is. Plus the lawyer I talked to said an international divorce would cost thousands. I'm trying to support myself and my son on $900/month so an expensive divorce is out of the question. I'm trying to catch him when he's in country but it's usually only a few short visits per year. I had divorce papers served to his mother's house just last week, I'm hoping he'll visit her when he's in the States for the SuperBowl next month. Assuming he even goes now that Green Bay is out. He might just resell his tickets.


Wow, that sounds complicated. Hope you can extricate yourself quickly.

Do you have health insurance through your job now?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I guess I like feeling free in my marriage. Or as free as a person can feel in marriage.

I would hate to feel like I had to weigh a certain amount to stay married. I would rather just free us both up to find people we felt completely comfortable with, however they are.

And now that I have been married to someone who likes me just the way I am, I don't think I could accept a marriage any other way.


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## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

jld said:


> Wow, that sounds complicated. Hope you can extricate yourself quickly.
> 
> Do you have health insurance through your job now?


I don't work anymore my health won't allow it. I can barely even leave my house the last few months. I am in the process of applying for disability but the process can take years.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Hellomynameis said:


> I don't work anymore my health won't allow it. I can barely even leave my house the last few months. I am in the process of applying for disability but the process can take years.


You said you had a heart artack? Do you know why?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

jld said:


> I guess I like feeling free in my marriage. Or as free as a person can feel in marriage.
> 
> I would hate to feel like I had to weigh a certain amount to stay married. I would rather just free us both up to find people we felt completely comfortable with, however they are.
> 
> And now that I have been married to someone who likes me just the way I am, I don't think I could accept a marriage any other way.


I like this!!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Livvie said:


> I like this!!


Thanks, Livvie! I do, too!


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## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

jld said:


> You said you had a heart artack? Do you know why?


I was born with a congenital heart defect. My first cardiac event happened when I was 33 due to physical stress from pregnancy. The second happened due to a bad reaction to anesthesia. The third happened due to extreme emotional stress from a job I never should have taken. I was working 60+ hours a week, paid for 35, reported to 4 different bosses who all had different priorities, and for some reason any work that wasn't getting done got dumped on me. Even custodial duties after our custodian quit. We had 24 employees doing work that needed at least 50. Everyone there was always miserable and complaining and management was incredibly unsupportive. It was the most emotionally unhealthy environment I have ever been in and after 6 months of dealing with it I had a nervous breakdown that led to a heart attack from pure stress.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Hellomynameis said:


> I was born with a congenital heart defect. My first cardiac event happened when I was 33 due to physical stress from pregnancy. The second happened due to a bad reaction to anesthesia. The third happened due to extreme emotional stress from a job I never should have taken. I was working 60+ hours a week, paid for 35, reported to 4 different bosses who all had different priorities, and for some reason any work that wasn't getting done got dumped on me. Even custodial duties after our custodian quit. We had 24 employees doing work that needed at least 50. Everyone there was always miserable and complaining and management was incredibly unsupportive. It was the most emotionally unhealthy environment I have ever been in and after 6 months of dealing with it I had a nervous breakdown that led to a heart attack from pure stress.


If you don't mind my asking, what is your diet like?


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## ThisIsAUserName (Sep 9, 2016)

ulyssesheart said:


> First, you are only asking ladies. And, this is a "pre-loaded" question.
> 
> Note: there is putting on weight and putting on a "lot of weight".
> 
> ...


Well said!! That about sums it up.

A mother's love is unconditional. Love between a man and a woman is conditional, no matter how strong it may be. Mutual understanding of this will lead to a healthy relationship. Any semi-conscious woman should be aware that men are wired naturally to reproduce with as many females as they physically can, it's simple instinctual survival of a species. It doesn't mean "men are dogs", it means men are HUMAN. Being monogamous for an extended period of time/lifetime takes an actual conscious effort for a man, we need to strike down temptation at every single turn. Women have a very hard time comprehending that because....you guessed it...they're WOMEN! Just how we, as men, have trouble understanding some of the things women do, say and feel. Not saying I want to be congratulated/rewarded for my fidelity, just saying it shouldn't be confusing why men "care" about their wives' appearance.

The real key to this conversation is whether or not the woman changed AFTER the fact. Getting married is not the finish line, people. It's the starting gun if anything!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I saw something in a supermarket a while back that restored my faith in humanity. A couple walking along holding hands clearly in love. Him a good looking guy, she a plain chubby lady. Love it, I wanted to give him a medal for seeing past that and loving her. SO rare. 

I think that widespread porn use has skewed many men's idea of what they want/desire/expect in women. How can a normal average lady compete with these women chosen for looking a certain way?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ThisIsAUserName said:


> Well said!! That about sums it up.
> 
> A mother's love is unconditional. Love between a man and a woman is conditional, no matter how strong it may be. Mutual understanding of this will lead to a healthy relationship. Any semi-conscious woman should be aware that men are wired naturally to reproduce with as many females as they physically can, it's simple instinctual survival of a species. It doesn't mean "men are dogs", it means men are HUMAN. Being monogamous for an extended period of time/lifetime takes an actual conscious effort for a man, we need to strike down temptation at every single turn. Women have a very hard time comprehending that because....you guessed it...they're WOMEN! Just how we, as men, have trouble understanding some of the things women do, say and feel. Not saying I want to be congratulated/rewarded for my fidelity, just saying it shouldn't be confusing why men "care" about their wives' appearance.
> 
> The real key to this conversation is whether or not the woman changed AFTER the fact. Getting married is not the finish line, people. It's the starting gun if anything!


 In life long marriage you will go from 20 or 30 something year olds to maybe 80 something year olds. The physical changes that happen in that time are immense. Many will gain weight due to age, hormones, menopause, illness, certain drugs, and there will be wrinkles, gray hair, gravity playing its part, baldness, having babies will change the body in many ways, and the list goes on. If its based only or mainly on looks then the marriage wont last. 
My husband has changed a lot in the past 11 years we have been married, we married in our late 40's. He is much greyer, has lost more hair, put on a little weight, I just adore him just as much and whatever happens in the future the same will apply. Marriage should be a lifelong commitment, not based on whether we can stay the same size, weight and looks as we did in our 20's. 

I also don't agree that man are wired to have sex with as many women as possible. If that were the case then studies wouldnt show that married men are happier, healthier and live longer than single men, so monogamous marriage is clearly beneficial for them mentally, emotionally and physically.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> I saw something in a supermarket a while back that restored my faith in humanity. A couple walking along holding hands clearly in love. Him a good looking guy, she a plain chubby lady. Love it, I wanted to give him a medal for seeing past that and loving her. *SO rare.*


This isn't rare at all where I live. There are couples like this everywhere here.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

jld said:


> I guess I like feeling free in my marriage. Or as free as a person can feel in marriage.
> 
> I would hate to feel like I had to weigh a certain amount to stay married. I would rather just free us both up to find people we felt completely comfortable with, however they are.
> 
> *And now that I have been married to someone who likes me just the way I am, I don't think I could accept a marriage any other way*.


Both of my ex-husbands liked me just the way I was, too. I could not have married them otherwise. But "the way I was" included my healthy lifestyle and personal choices. I liked them for their personal health and lifestyle choices too, and would not have been attracted to them without those choices.

However....if I knew a woman whose man harped on her about weight I would think it was disgusting and would encourage her to leave him. Or even if he threatened like "I will leave you if you get fat". I would completely agree that he should just leave her, not bother to harp on her or threaten her or make her feel bad about herself. Those men are jerks.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> I saw something in a supermarket a while back that restored my faith in humanity. A couple walking along holding hands clearly in love. Him a good looking guy, she a plain chubby lady. Love it, I wanted to give him a medal for seeing past that and loving her. SO rare.
> 
> *I think that widespread porn use has skewed many men's idea of what they want/desire/expect in women.* How can a normal average lady compete with these women chosen for looking a certain way?


I have heard this about porn, too. I also read that porn is the main driver behind human trafficking.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Both of my ex-husbands liked me just the way I was, too. I could not have married them otherwise. But "the way I was" included my healthy lifestyle and personal choices. I liked them for their personal health and lifestyle choices too, and would not have been attracted to them without those choices.
> 
> However....if I knew a woman whose man harped on her about weight I would think it was disgusting and would encourage her to leave him. Or even if he threatened like "I will leave you if you get fat". I would completely agree that he should just leave her, not bother to harp on her or threaten her or make her feel bad about herself. Those men are jerks.


Or she could leave him. Either way, it would be over for me.

Honestly, if it comes down to where people feel they have to threaten each other, they really should just call it quits.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

jld said:


> Or she could leave him. Either way, it would be over for me.
> 
> Honestly, if it comes down to where people feel they have to threaten each other, they really should just call it quits.


Yes she could leave....but if he's the one with the problem, he should just man up instead of trying to lay it on her head and say the truth "I'm too shallow to love you, I am leaving". And hopefully she'd say "don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out". 

But of course, it typically doesn't go that way.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Yes she could leave....but if he's the one with the problem, he should just man up instead of trying to lay it on her head and say the truth "I'm too shallow to love you, I am leaving". And hopefully she'd say "don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out".
> 
> But of course, it typically doesn't go that way.


Sadly, no. Women, at least ime, tend to hang on to relationships way past their expiration date.


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