# Would you consider this a serial cheater?



## mamabear131617 (Oct 5, 2013)

Someone who cheated on their ex wife of 10 years (pa), then on next gf (ea), and then on that same person two years later after they married (sexting)? Would you suspect they would do it again?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

ya serial

but with out more info I can't say he'll phuck around again or not.

I'm from the school that folks can change, but there are some screwed up poeple that are simply broken for good.

Then theirs @ss wipes like my self that hate what they have become and do the heavy lifting to be better not for anyone else but for me!

So is this swinging stick cheating on his old lady and continues or is he showing signs of remorse?


----------



## mamabear131617 (Oct 5, 2013)

the guy said:


> ya serial
> 
> but with out more info I can't say he'll phuck around again or not.
> 
> ...


Can't speak for his ex wife but he has been very much so both times with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*With a most rampant pattern of deception going on like that? YEAH!!!!*


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

mamabear131617 said:


> Can't speak for his ex wife but he has been very much so both times with me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


BUT YET HE CONTINUES!!!!!!!!!!!

Bad behavior continues with out consequences. Are you waiting for a third time?


----------



## mamabear131617 (Oct 5, 2013)

the guy said:


> BUT YET HE CONTINUES!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> Bad behavior continues with out consequences. Are you waiting for a third time?


No just wanted to confirm he's full of it and I'm not wrong to believe it will happen again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Did he cheat on his ex-wife with you? Ie. Are you the AP from the PA?


----------



## mamabear131617 (Oct 5, 2013)

Pepper123 said:


> Did he cheat on his ex-wife with you? Ie. Are you the AP from the PA?


No, I came along almost 2 years after they separated. A month before their divorce was finalized.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My take is he phucked up his 1st marriage and didn't learn a damn thing by screwing up his next relationship with you... and I haven't even mention the affair with on his ex and what happened to that crap? were is the OW now?

Sounds like the POS hasn't learned a thing and ya he's still jacked up so bail now and let some one else fix him.

Its obvious that you *NOT* are the one to correct his ways...hell he may be like many wayward and never get help and die alone in a trailer full of dogs and dog boo...only to be found by the mailman.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

How did you find out about his infidelity with his ex?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My question would be... What has he done to figure out and resolve WHY he's behaved like he has? Until he's done that introspection and dealt with his issues, he's almost certain to continue his actions. But, even after, I'd say that he is more likely to cheat again than someone who has never cheated.

C


----------



## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

mamabear131617 said:


> Someone who cheated on their ex wife of 10 years (pa), then on next gf (ea), and then on that same person two years later after they married (sexting)? Would you suspect they would do it again?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Surprised you need to ask


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

PBear said:


> My question would be... What has he done to figure out and resolve WHY he's behaved like he has? Until he's done that introspection and dealt with his issues, he's almost certain to continue his actions. *But, even after, I'd say that he is more likely to cheat again than someone who has never cheated.*
> 
> C


Some people believe that when they are "just friends" with someone, they can do whatever they want with that person because the intent to have sex and, therefore, an affair isn't there.

People like that, if they cannot imagine their partner engaging in similar activities and how they might feel, then it's best to move on.

I don't agree with the bolded partly due to what I just wrote above.


----------



## mamabear131617 (Oct 5, 2013)

the guy said:


> How did you find out about his infidelity with his ex?


He told me. I also spoke to his ex-wife about it, we are actually somewhat "friends". They have children together so she is still in the picture. I'm not worried about her simply because I know SHE wants nothing to do with him. 

As for the OW from their affair....I have no clue where she is. It ended years ago when he was still with his ex-wife. It was actually his ex's infidelity that ended the relationship.

I sort of let the first incident slide because, although we were exclusive, we weren't living together or married. Stupid me.

This last time, however, I am not letting it slide. He claimed it was "poor judgement". No, it was a choice. He made a choice. From his past experience he should know boundaries and how badly that sort of thing can damage a relationship. He was only thinking about himself. 

He says he wants to fix things and get into IC. I don't know if even that is good enough for me.


----------



## mamabear131617 (Oct 5, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> Some people believe that when they are "just friends" with someone, they can do whatever they want with that person because the intent to have sex and, therefore, an affair isn't there.
> 
> People like that, if they cannot imagine their partner engaging in similar activities and how they might feel, then it's best to move on.
> 
> I don't agree with the bolded partly due to what I just wrote above.


The irony is he knows how it feels, as his ex-wife did the same to him. He has also accused me (have a post about that too) constantly throughout our relationship of "talking to someone else". I would classify what he did as "talking to someone" so if he is sooooo concerned about me doing such how could he not imagine how he would feel if I engaged in similar activities. Kwim? He knew it was wrong and made the choice to do it anyways.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He believes it's his right to seek out extra excitement. 

That core belief will never go away. Not without consequences, anyway. Have you given him any?


----------



## mamabear131617 (Oct 5, 2013)

turnera said:


> He believes it's his right to seek out extra excitement.
> 
> That core belief will never go away. Not without consequences, anyway. Have you given him any?


I've withdrawn but other than that I don't know. I told him that the only way I will be okay with moving forward is if we do both IC and MC.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And you also have the passwords to his phone and computer, and he hands them over to you to inspect whenever you ask, and he writes these women a No Contact letter that YOU approve and send, and he installs a GPS app on his phone so you can track where he is, and if he deviates from his schedule he informs you.

Those should be included at the bare minimum. If he won't agree to them, then you know what you have to do.


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

mamabear131617 said:


> I've withdrawn but other than that I don't know. I told him that the only way I will be okay with moving forward is if we do both IC and MC.


I agree with Turnera. This seems to be some sort of "entitlement" he feels he deserves. It's what I call "thresholds". A threshold is basically that point where it goes from being something they aren't ok with to something they are ok with. You need to figure out where his threshold is and why he's set it there. 

Everyone has a threshold. Unfortunately, some people set it really low. An IC might help him sort it out. But he needs to keep in mind, that it is you he must convince that it is sorted out. Don't sell yourself cheap. You've really gotta go deep into his head and how it ticks.


----------



## mamabear131617 (Oct 5, 2013)

turnera said:


> And you also have the passwords to his phone and computer, and he hands them over to you to inspect whenever you ask, and he writes these women a No Contact letter that YOU approve and send, and he installs a GPS app on his phone so you can track where he is, and if he deviates from his schedule he informs you.
> 
> Those should be included at the bare minimum. If he won't agree to them, then you know what you have to do.


Oh yes, he has done all that. I didn't know how to do NC before and he kind of messed that up. I didn't make expectations clear enough in the beginning. He sent her an e-mail telling her I saw the messages, it was wrong, and it won't happen again. He also said no more contact other than work. But then she kept asking about me (I was 8 months pregnant at the time) and how I was feeling. He responded. She asked him to send pics of the baby the day he was born. He sent them moments after his birth. Then she played a prank on him by unplugging his computer while I was at the office one day (she didn't know who I was). So we had a lot of set backs and unresolved issues. He finally sent her another email telling her that I didn't appreciate how she was being and to keep it professional. I felt like it was all put on me. Never did he say I am married and I don't like this. It was all on me. She told me I needed to lighten up. *sigh* I finally gave up and just told him to forget it. He hasn't had any contact with her through e-mail or facebook since then but they can still talk at work. He's looking for another job.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, this is just me, but I'd be telling him he has til the end of December to get a new job, or I'd be looking for my own place - without him.


----------



## mamabear131617 (Oct 5, 2013)

Racer said:


> I agree with Turnera. This seems to be some sort of "entitlement" he feels he deserves. It's what I call "thresholds". A threshold is basically that point where it goes from being something they aren't ok with to something they are ok with. You need to figure out where his threshold is and why he's set it there.
> 
> Everyone has a threshold. Unfortunately, some people set it really low. An IC might help him sort it out. But he needs to keep in mind, that it is you he must convince that it is sorted out. Don't sell yourself cheap. You've really gotta go deep into his head and how it ticks.


I call them boundaries but I know what you are talking about. I agree. I told him last night it's obvious he doesn't have boundaries or take them serious in a relationship. He needs to work on that. Figure out why he thinks it's okay to cross certain boundaries he has set for others.

His reasoning for his A with his e-wife is because they were disconnected. During the two incidents with me we were not disconnected in any way and I thought we were happy. If he can cross a boundary like that when we are "happy" then what boundary will he be willing to cross when at some point we aren't happy? His reasoning with me was "poor judgement, being stupid, and bored".


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Don't forget not loving you.


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

mamabear131617 said:


> I call them boundaries but I know what you are talking about. I agree. I told him last night it's obvious he doesn't have boundaries or take them serious in a relationship. He needs to work on that. Figure out why he thinks it's okay to cross certain boundaries he has set for others.


Boundaries are different. Those are almost like lines in the sand you won’t cross or let others cross with you. They can listed out like rules you have for yourself.

Thresholds are like a set of circumstances that need to come to light for it to be ‘ok’. Like for my WW, they look like; Lots of stress & worry, in and outside the home. Feeling depressed and stuck instead of hopeful. And her perceptions about me and what I am probably thinking about her (external validation needed that I wasn’t giving). Top it off with bad coping skills for life when things don’t go your way.

In my WW (a SA) her coping skills had lots of self-destructive behaviors to escape having to face reality and deal with deeper stuff. So, drinking, sex, and getting people to tell her how great she is was her “goto” for feeling better.


----------



## mamabear131617 (Oct 5, 2013)

Racer said:


> Boundaries are different. Those are almost like lines in the sand you won’t cross or let others cross with you. They can listed out like rules you have for yourself.
> 
> Thresholds are like a set of circumstances that need to come to light for it to be ‘ok’. Like for my WW, they look like; Lots of stress & worry, in and outside the home. Feeling depressed and stuck instead of hopeful. And her perceptions about me and what I am probably thinking about her (external validation needed that I wasn’t giving). Top it off with bad coping skills for life when things don’t go your way.
> 
> In my WW (a SA) her coping skills had lots of self-destructive behaviors to escape having to face reality and deal with deeper stuff. So, drinking, sex, and getting people to tell her how great she is was her “goto” for feeling better.


Oh, yeah that makes sense. Well I'm not sure what his thresholds are considering the circumstances were different each time. He claimed he needed attention and I wasn't talking to him enough while he was at work this last time. The thing is a week before I he had the really sexual conversation I felt things were off and talked to him about it. I made a huge effort to give him more attention and in fact I was talking to him the entire time he was talking to her.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Um, why would you be talking to him while he's at work? Shouldn't he be, you know...WORKING?


----------



## mamabear131617 (Oct 5, 2013)

turnera said:


> Um, why would you be talking to him while he's at work? Shouldn't he be, you know...WORKING?


You would think. He is a mobile home salesman and they have a lot of down time so he gets bored.


----------

