# I screwed up royally - what do I do?



## Lordhelpme (Jun 30, 2009)

OK, Here's my situation. My sister in-law and I had WAY too much to drink and ended up hooking up. She moved in to kiss me, I offered no resistance. We did not go all the way but I'm pretty sure we made it to third base (if I remember the bases correctly). We were so drunk that I barely remember anything (a few flashes) and my sister-in-law remembers NOTHING. 

I am happily married and have the perfect wife. My wife and her sister are very close friends. Her sister would NEVER want to do something like this. I would NEVER want to do something like this. I've been cheated on in a prior relationship, I've experienced the pain and devastation firsthand. I wouldn't wish the pain on my worst enemy.

I'd like to just forget the 5 seconds I remember (literally), never ever put myself in that situation again, treat my wife like the angel she is, and move on. But the guilt is killing me. I've barely eaten for three days.

I struggle with what's best for our marriage. I would say that honesty is the most important thing here, but there is a part of me that thinks that me telling her would not be to open about it, but to release my guilt. I deserve every bit of the pain I'm going through, she doesn't deserve the pain she would go through. Even if I tell her, I don't even know how to start, since her sister does not even remember the night. I'm embarrased, mad (at myself), sad, nauseous, and don't really know what to do.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

okay...first...no more alcohol...it lowers inhibitions, which leads to another drink, which eventually leads to stupid behavior...

second...tell your wife of the stupid behavior...tell her your commitment is to her and alcohol will no longer be a part of your life. the end, no excuses, no variances.

as her to please respect your decision. 

pray every day. admit that you can't control yourself. because you can't. things wil get easier and easier. about a year down the road you won't recognize the guy you are today.

good luck. God loves you. He will be so much a part of your rehabilitation. i promise.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Telling her would be even more stupid than what you did...you said it best, it would ease your guilt...but place it squarely on your wife's shoulders...and that's not the smartest thing to do.

You need to talk to your SIL and make sure she doesn't blab her over eager mouth either.

I seem to disagree with most everyone on here when I say keep your mouth shut but it doesn't help anything, it makes it worse.

Sober up and smarten up!

Preacher


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## Lordhelpme (Jun 30, 2009)

I don't want to blame alcohol but I will say that it really does lower my inhibitions. The last time I was that drunk was many, many years ago. My SIL doesn't remember anything past 10 PM that night. I highly highly doubt she even knows we did anything at all. 

I'm praying every day for forgiveness and to know what I should do.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

You keep your mouth shut, you stop drinking and you put your wife on a pedestal and keep here there...


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

I don't see the good in telling her, IF it was as you say it was. It would be best to not drink, and also to avoid any instances where you and the SIL are alone. It's best to simply avoid any situation that could have the potential for you doing something stupid again. You deserve every ounce of guilt you are feeling, she does not deserve the pain.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

If you didn't have sesx...keep quiet. Yes, what you did was highly inappropriate so learn and go with life. 

How is it you remember (some of) it while SIL doesn't? If SIL doesn't remember, she won't be blabbing anyway.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

JDPreacher said:


> You keep your mouth shut, you stop drinking and you put your wife on a pedestal and keep here there...


the pedestal part i agree with...but what if wife finds out from someone else? i'd want to be the one to tell her.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

You were sober before you started drinking right? Don't blame the alcohol here. You screwed up and admitted it. At least to us. You should tell her. This will come up later, I can guarantee it. Do you want to take the chance of that and have her be furious at you with keeping this from her for so long?? If you think you can do that you're fooling yourself. Your SIL will get pissed off at you sometime down the road and tell her, you'll get drunk again and tell her out of guilt. She WILL find out. Thank goodness you two didn't have sex. At least you have that to work with. You'll feel better about yourself if she knows. Take your lumps. If she truly is an "angel" as you say she will respect you for telling the truth in the end regardless of her anger initially. I would be upset but respect you and our relationship for the honesty. Just don't let this or anything like it happen again. Once is bad enough but the second time I'd be out the door. Good Luck.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

If your bases match my bases then oral sex was involved. Get yourself tested. I assume you were drunk enough that you didn't use any protection.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

How did you approach your SIL about her memory of the evening?

Did you ask her if we fooled around? Or did you say, we fooled around and it was a mistake?

She is a ticking time bomb waiting to go off.

The truth has a nasty habit of coming out whether or not you get to stage manage it.

At this point you have to stop drinking--agreed.

How is it that you, who never gets that drunk, manages to get that drunk for the first time in many years and it is when you are with your SIL and your wife is not there?

Seems like a deliberate thing to me.

Pointing to the drink and saying it is what made yo do it sidesteps responsibility for your own actions.

If you were to be honest with yourself you'd admit to having had an attraction to her sister. Mutual? Not sure.

You have a lot more to think about than whether or not your SIL remembers, you quit drinking, should you tell your wife.

Like I said, your SIL is a time bomb waiting to explode.

If she gets a case of the guilties and finally tells her sister, and frames it in "your pig husband came onto me", then look out. Your world will crumble.

If she gets that case of the guilties and just does the "I'm sorry, blah, blah, blah." you are still screwed.

Drinking lowers inhibitions but does not plant the idea of wanting to fool around in your mind. It was already there.


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## ImBroken (May 18, 2009)

Well no matter what you do your wife is going to suffer. You tell her and well you KNOW what that feels like. You don't tell her and she finds out, your ass is nailed to the wall. You can't just blame alcohol guy. If you dont remember how do you know you didnt have sex??? 3rd base BUT NO SEX??? Get tested for stds.
Her sister will tell her eventually. Fess up and get ready to deal with the hardest thing in your life. Everyone deserves one chance to redeem themselves if they are true and sincere.
I hope you both heal.


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## Lordhelpme (Jun 30, 2009)

Thank you everyone for your replies. I'm not trying to dodge or deflect responsibility - it lies squarely on my shoulders. At this point I'm only trying to do what is right and best for our marriage.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

Dont tell her and I'll tell you why: She will want to cut off all communication with her sister and that will be more devistating than just knowing her husband has failed her. 

Thats the first advise everyone gets on this site "end all contact with the OW" and unfortunatly in your case that is not an option. This will screw your wife family relationships for the rest of her life if she finds out.

I dont think your SIL would tell even if she remembers, frankly if she does this kind of thing when shes drunk it probly happens pretty often and she wont remember that you spicifically were part of one of her trists. I doubt she wants her sister to know shes "that kind of girl"

If the guilt is too much and interferes with your life then talk to a counselor, or jsut read thru some of the other stories on this site. There are people with stories that may give you some perspective on how bad things really could be.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

I agree with the other posters that say the truth has a way of getting out. Us women have a way of sensing when something is not right. Do you really think she has not noticed your lack of appetite for the past 3 days? When my husband was cheating, I didn't have a clue in the world. I knew something wasn't right, but I had no idea that was it. When I finally found out the truth...more than anything I had wished he had just fessed up so we could deal with it. Your best approach is probably to say how absolutely stupid you were, and that you will never again allow alcohol to affect your life again. Vow to give it up, as it was a least partially to blame. Next, never allow yourself to be alone with her sister again. Third, to help save their relationship, suggest that you not involve her (the sister) at all since she has no memory of it. If she ever brings it up, you can deal with that when it happens.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Very few secrets like these make it 40 years. The longer you wait, the longer you have lied to her and the madder she will be, because when she finds out, she will say: "Our whole life has been one big lie..."

You need to tell her *before* you have sex with your wife again.

Why? Because it will make you a better person in her eyes, better than if you had sex with her without her knowing what you've done. You must tell her and be totally honest. Don't do it sitting on your bed either, do it outside somewhere, not in your house.

You have to tell her because it is the right thing to do.
Why is it the right thing to do?

When you have done something WRONG to someone you care about, and there is even a REMOTE chance _ANYONE else could tell her_ you must insure she is not *blind-sided*.

You need to give your wife the ability to save face for herself _and_ for you in the terrible event she hears it from someone other than you.

It is also the right thing to do because the truth will set you free. It always does. It may not feel like it in the moment, but it will.

Be a man about it, she will respect you more than some coward hiding behind your fear.

She is going to be very hurt because it is her sister. Then, on the other hand if her sister is a bit of a trashcan anyway...who knows? How old was her sister, younger or older?


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## Lordhelpme (Jun 30, 2009)

Her sister is younger. They are very close. They way she is acting since then as her normal happy go-lucky self tells me she remembers nothing. Even though her sister is equally as responsible as me, I hate the idea of hurting their relationship. I've been good (and strictly plutonic) friends with her sister over the years too, she is good girl. Well, I guess good 99.9% of the time, like me. It's that damn 0.1% that's killing me.

Seems like their is a strong divide on the advice, with men typically saying don't tell, and women saying tell. Seems like since my wife is a woman I probably lean towards the advice of women. 

I need to talk to my sister-in-law and see what she remembers and how she wants to handle this, since it will dramatically impact her as well. This would be alot simpler if the other woman in this equation was anybody but her sister, this makes it much more hurtful and impossible to escape over time.


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## Lordhelpme (Jun 30, 2009)

Just a few side musings, I'm horrible at keeping secrets from my wife. I've never kept one from her. I hate the very idea of it. I've never done anything remotely like this before. 

Thinking about it, I think I was arrogant in that I thought I was above temptation. I put myself in a situation I shouldn't have been in. I figured since I had been through the pain of cheating there was no way under any circumstances I would do such a thing.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Would it not be interesting if you told your wife and did NOT discuss this with her sister before you told the wife and then when the sister is approached by your wife, the sister says something like:

"What, _have you lost your MIND_!, you must be dreaming...!" and bursts out laughing? This IS what I would do, if I truly didn't remember a thing and my sister asked me about MY brother in law doing what you did!

Obviously you have already spoken with the sister, you said "she doesn't remember a thing....". How do you know she knows nothing?

I also don't think you should have ANY more conversations with your sister in law, until you have talked to your wife! Heck NO. That makes you look like a *conspirator*.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

In fact it would work to your advantage to not speak with SIL, and to tell your wife you think perhaps her sister was so drunk you don't KNOW if and what she was aware and you are not sure exactly what went on - but you must be truthful.

You must go to your wife asking for HELP in solving this stupid drunk episode, not go talk with SIL. You must do nothing that appears you are pairing up with SIL, you and wife are the PAIR, SIL is outsider.

Ask your wife if she feels you and she need to speak with her sister and find out if sister is "ok" since YOU overstepped your bounds...she has to protect her sister from your stupid move on her....


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## Lordhelpme (Jun 30, 2009)

Point taken Sandy55.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Wow you really got yourself in to a situation here. I'm not sure what to say. Normally I would say you have to be honest and tell her but will that hurt her worse here. Probably. Although I think that this may come out one day then she will wonder why you didn't come out an tell her. Is your SIL married? If so what happens if the guilt eats and her and she tells. How do you know she doesn't remember? You two most have spoken. I think she will probably end up telling her sister when the guilt gets to her.


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## ImBroken (May 18, 2009)

This would be alot simpler if the other woman in this equation was anybody but her sister, this makes it much more hurtful and impossible to escape over time.[/QUOTE]

This will NEVER escape you or your wife. What if it where all switched around and she had sex with your closest brother. Do you think you would be able to handle it if she told you. Or worse what if you found out ! What would hurt you more???
The truth will set you free but Its going to hurt everyone.
Confess today and start the healing process now before it is to late. I am also a male.


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## realnickles (Jul 1, 2009)

I think that it is important to remember, above all, that you are not here to evaluate which decision will hurt her more and which one less. You already made the decision that hurt her the most, and whether or not you tell her is based on how brave and honorable you are as an individual. Those who say that telling her will only hurt her are lying to themselves, and to you; it will hurt you, too, hurt even more than the guilt, if possible.

But if you value your marriage and the vows you made, it is the right thing to do. You sound like a pretty upstanding guy (present dilemma aside), so taking responsibility for your actions at this point is the next step. I think Sandy explained it best, and I am sorry that you find yourself in such a terrible situation.


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

I am curious where your wife was during all of this? 

I agree, telling her would hurt her very badly and ruin the trust she has for you. Accept the fact that the SIL doens't remember (or maybe she is saving face here by saying she doesn't remember) and keep it to yourself. If your wife is an angel and you love her that much ask God for forgiveness and move on. Find a way to put yourself at peace but don't hurt your wife doing it.

Also, don't do it again. Avoid drinking with the SIL again..bc if you did it once the opportunity could arise to be there again and it would be easier to make another painful mistake. Good luck.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

I don't know......if her sister has no memory or knowledge, I tend to think keep quiet. Not only is this going to ruin her marriage, but her relationship with her sister. Depending on how you brought it up to her sister, and how you know she has no memory.....dangerous ground....but I believe all you are trying to do is ease your guilt.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Hmm...I don't buy the "I don't remember a thing" from the sister...I've been wasted many a time...and although I may not remember as soon as I wake up...things do come back. Leaving it at that could all come back to bite you in the a$$ in the future...I'd let it be known. Fact of the matter is you did it, the SIL claiming she doesn't remember doesn't erase the fact that it happened...trust me you're better off to get it out now rather then it slip out later. JMO.


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## aely722 (Aug 9, 2009)

Telling your wife would be a mess. She would be so hurt. You mad a stupid mistake and whatever you do don't blame it on the alcohol. A drunk mind speaks a sober heart. Get your heart right and stay away from lust of any woman. Tell God you are sorry and confess your sin and he will begin to heal your spirit. You need to keep your sexual feelings in check drunk or not.


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