# Need advice on HUGELY Irresponsible Long term Girlfriend



## all4her

I love my long term (4 years) girlfriend but i am having SERIOUS doubts about our future. 

The concerns:

in 4 years....she has not held on to a job for more than 3 weeks. She's been employed 2 times (both for just 3 weeks)....so she doesnt work at all really. She never had a job before those times either. And during each of those 3 week jobs she called in sick at least twice and was late at least 50% of the time and im being generous as hell with that. No not 5-10 minutes late but like 45-1hr late!!! She always blamed it on the gps or the traffic or getting lost or terrible luck but I was there and know very well she wouldnt leave the house until right when she was already supp to be at work. 

She comes from a wealthy family and has an upper crust degree (we're both ivy league grads), and i think she thinks of herself as too high to take on lots of low end post-grad jobs. I don't. I am from a lower class family and take whatever I can to keep the food on the table. 

I let the unemployment thing slide bc her dad was always paying her half of the bills for a while and then when he stopped, she inherited like 30k and was going to graduate school in the medical field, so we seemed financially secure and like when her funds ran out she'd have a high paying job. 


Turns out she BLEW through the 30k in ONE SUMMER, NO LIE. didnt tell me about it, then she got HEAVY into credit card debt. I had just given her the job of handling our joint funds after her inheritance, so Id give her ALL my money and she'd say "Yeah we're good" everytime I asked if we were ok financially....

Then one day she erupts and tells me that she owes another 30k in credit card debt and that her inheritance is gone.....in 8 months!!!!!!!! The kicker??? She BLAMES ME. She says I am to blame bc i also spent that money right along with her. I had NO idea that a. her money was gone and that b. she was loading it up on cards. I just assumed she had budgeted things ok......and that i was putting in my share...I gave her every dime I had assuming it was being spent ok. 

During that time she....

held on to a job at banana republic for 3 weeks, just enough time to load 2,500 bucks of clothes on to a banana republic credit card, then quit....

Dropped out of her medical program after being put on academic suspension for poor grades and for not attending her internships....

bought a 4,000 dollar mattress and bed frame 

bought a 2,000 persian rug ( we are in our twenties WTF DO WE NEED W THAT RUG????)

bought a classic convertible car that didnt run.....

and just lots of other insane spending that she blames me for or says i am as much to blame bc i was right there all along allowing her....but how could I say no when she was so secure about our finances being good?? I mean sometimes she would get downright offended when I would ask if all this spending was okay..... but hey im from a poor family so i didnt know much about how wealthy people liked to spend or treat their money. I also stupidly assumed they'd be smarter with it and would only buy things they could easily afford. 

She dropped out of her program so we moved acrossthe country and I enrolled in a fine arts program. It had always been my dream and Ive been a painter for over a decade and I guess I was always too afraid to pursue it bc Id be a "starving artist" but seeing my gf epically fail at finances and a medical degree just reminded me to do only what was important and to follow my passion bc hell we were dirt poor already....

Well a week before I am to start my program, my gf (who was supp to work for us full time during that year) decided...OMG She wants to paint too! She has never ever painted....but she enrolled with me (ditched the idea of getting a job) and.......proceeded to drop out from there too.... she often makes me look very bad in the program bc she just doesnt give a **** about it and people can tell and they think I am the same....but as time has gone on, people have noticed I am not like her. Still its very hard, she just tags along and begs for us to leave as soon as we get there, or she comes into my studio and complains endlessly and its VERY hard to focus on my work....


now she wants to to acting....and has already blown 2k of My money ( I handle the funds now and am the only one contributing) getting sephora make up, photo shoots, acting classes, etc, etc

She insisted that she needed those things to pursue her dreams and that we would make the money back. I am working full-time now and trying to pay off all our bills, and I guess I felt so bad that she'd failed so much recently that I was eager to help her achieve this dream.... I told her she HAD to get a job and pay me/us back..... 

That was in January....

Now mid April no job anywhere. She went to 2 of the 8 acting classes I paid for her to take (600 bucks) in NY and stopped going because she was getting "motion sickness" on the bus rides there.... Cant we just afford the train? NO, no we cant. Oh well ok Im just not gonna go anymore, I get too sick. 

She stays at home all day and doesnt do any of the chores. I go to school full time and work full time and come back to a sloppy smelly dirty home. Oh yeah we have 4 animals and she doesnt clean up after them much and i keep asking to tone it back to just two animals because 2 cats and 2 dogs are more than she can handle...but she wont consider it. At all....



I have tried to leave her, i left her a few weeks ago when she left me all alone to take care of the 4 animals during my week of finals, plus full time job, for a week to be in a new york casting as an extra-....which didnt PAY. So i was paying for her bus and board and all that....

I cant even afford a haircut ok, my hair is getting insane and i cant afford it....I make us live on a VERY tight budget now and I am making her apply for food stamps (which she was supposed to do back in august and NEVER DID). I also put cash away for a rainy day....which was recently depleted (more on that in a bit) 

Anyway I left her and she came begging me back and promised to change, i gave her a deadline to find a job and clean up the place, she got a job....but when start day came...guess what?? She was so moody and edgy and pissy that she decided she wouldnt go work there, she decided it wasnt good enough bc the pay wasnt what she wanted and it was in fast food. Listen I have a bachelors and a masters from two ivy league schools and i am still proud to go clock in at Trader joes. Sometimes I even serve my old classmates (and exes) who are now doctors and I dont let it stop me from doing what I need to in order to support my family. 

Then here is the complicated part.....

I am supporting us, but I am from a low brow family and her family is wealthy.... She refuses to tell her father how bad her finances are and makes it seem to him like I am the one using her for her money. One time, to get money out of him, she told him I never paid her in 1200 dollars worth of bills and she needed his help. I found the email and flipped out at her bc it just wasnt true!!! 

She never mentions me or how i provide for her. she will just go to him begging for more cash and he kinda eyes me like....oh its bc she is supporting him....and it PISSES ME OFF. I know if she told him about her debt, he would blame it on me. Anytime she would spend a lot in college he would ask "Is it because u are supporting two people with this money??" WTF, NO I had a job paying me 40k a yr and I paid for her dates so IDK what she spent her money on but it wasnt me. Anytime Id fly her anywhere on vacation or pay for trips out of the country, he would get mad and she would never bother to tell him that it wasnt with any of his money. One time I bought her flowers and he actually said "Wow, nice to see where my money is being spent" WTF



Then this week our car was totalled, we had to blow through my savings to pay her dad for a downpayment on a new car, now we owe him monthly payments. LOVELY. I did put my foot down though. I told him that I was giving him the downpayment with MY money and that the monthly payments would be coming from ME, so if he wanted the downpayment and monthly payments then my name better be on the title too. So she gets this lovely Toyota Yaris and what does she do? She gets home and pouts that it isnt a prius and asks daddy to take her back to the dealership to buy a Prius instead. He said he would if thats what she and I wanted. That car ran 5k more and I had to talk to her and tell her it wasnt all that worth it, that we shouldnt be so picky like that esp when paying off the yaris is already a burden enough. 

I love her but when is she going to grow up? Will she ever?? I am 4 years older than her but when i was her age i was making 60k a year working 50 hrs a week and saved up cash to help my family back in my homestate. ive been working since i was 14, I saved my own money for my college. I payed for all my bills, gas, car payment, clothes, and food since I was 16. I payed for every application and SAT test and worked through college at the cafeteria. She on the other hand was given 250k to spend on a college of her choice. 

I feel like im getting none of the respect I deserve. Her entire family looks down on me and she never stands up for me or bothers to explain how much of this was her wrong doing. Without me she would be living with her father or homeless. 


I dont know what to do, I have tried being nice, I have tried being harsh, I have tried tough love, I have tried deadlines, I have tried system rules with chore charts and even tried PAYING HER weekly for her doing home chores. I would give her half my paycheck for her to spend as she wanted as long as she did her home chores.....I had to stop paying her bc they werent getting done....and as u can guess, she kept asking for more $$$ 


The girl terrifies me about our future....also it just isnt money irresponsibility....

We left for a month this winter and she had our neighbor watch our cats. I kept asking her to check in with the neighbor to see how the cats were (never trusted the neighbor but she assured me he was a good guy and would take care of them). I made her get all his contact info and to give him ours, which she said wasnt necessary but i said YES it was. So she was all bitter she did that and She NEVER ever checked in with him. 


We had soooo many fights about it. Fights ending with her screaming "I will text him right now OK" and her slamming doors and walking away. Days later when I asked how they were doing....the fights would begin again. I asked her numerous times to just let me text him but she never would give me his info. She was too prideful and thought i was just being naggy and paranoid.

So when we got home guess what we found? Our cats starving and near death. The man hadnt shown up even once and they had long ago ran out of water and food. One was barely walking and looked dazed, he ended up needing a 2,000 dollar surgery. I was LIVID. 

There are just countless stories like this that if I wrote out would become a novel. 


Another part is, we dont go out and have fun like we used to. I would LOVE to but we just dont have the money. Every so often that we do go out, she laments endlessly how we used to do this all the time and how we never go out anymore and how sad it makes her, and then she inevitably will suggest the priciest restaurant or ask to do something extra we didnt budget for. Feels like manipulation bc i feel guilty for not taking her out like before and then BAM "Hey can we do this too?" and there goes another 50 bucks. Then the next day she will ask if we can go out again and i have to say no, sorry, we spent too much and she gets upset and sad. 

Yeah we used to do all that back when I worked to support only me and your dad paid for your end of the bills but now those fun dates you love have all gone to boring stuff like food, shelter, bills. um sorry? Get a job. but i cant say that...


I just keep hoping like an IDIOT that things will get better bc i really love her. But that love is turning into exhaustion and resentment and even resignation....


----------



## heartsbeating

all4her said:


> She went to 2 of the 8 acting classes *I paid for her to take* (600 bucks) in NY
> 
> Feels like manipulation bc *i feel guilty* for not taking her out like before and then BAM "Hey can we do this too?" and there goes another 50 bucks. Then the next day she will ask if we can go out again and i have to say no, sorry, we spent too much and she gets upset and sad.
> 
> Yeah we used to do all that back when I worked to support only me and your dad paid for your end of the bills but now those fun dates you love have all gone to boring stuff like food, shelter, bills. um sorry? *Get a job. but i cant say that...*


Why do you keep paying for her? What can't you say no to her? So what if she gets upset?

Her lack of knowing how to budget, how to be responsible, and the value of things is not related to the wealth she grew up in. It's related to the way she was raised with that wealth. 

She is using you as her excuse for her family to continue paying her way when it's needed. She knows it's not right but she sounds too immature to face her own behavior and what she needs to do to contribute without her parents. 

I'd suggest you set firm boundaries. She needs a wake up call. It's likely she won't change her ways quickly/easily though. This is behavior she has likely lived with her whole life. It doesn't mean she can't change but I'm predicting it won't be easy for either of you. With her flaking out of jobs and commitments, is it really that she feels 'above' it or is it that she is actually scared? I wonder if she has low self-esteem, despite how she might present outwardly.


----------



## all4her

Im not saying its just because she is rich that she has this problem. I am saying our dynamic suffers bc I am labeled the one who has nothing to offer via her family's opinion. They are very class/prestige driven and it doesnt matter if I worked my way up from nothing, what matters is what car my dad drives and what money I inherit. 

Idk about the low self-esteem maybe Ive asked her to see a dr for 2 years now and she just started last month. She will say things like "but for X an hour, they shouldnt care if I show or what I do, they should just be happy they have me" things like that


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

WTF! What the hell are YOU getting out of this relationship???

You "really love her"...based on WHAT? You haven't indicated ONE thing about this b*tch that is worth loving!

I don't care how cute she is. I don't care how great her sex is, I don't care how rich her family is. I don't care how Ivy League her degree is. 

She is a lazy, selfish, manipulative, spoiled, entitled unmotivated B!TCH. Get real! When is she gonna grow up? Umm, N-E-V-E-R. Not ever. Not if you made $600million/year. Not if you live to be 232yo. Ain't never gonna happen. You are the parent/adult/responsible one, so that leaves her free to be the fun/happy/irresponsible one. Kinda sucks NOT being her, don't it?

Surely, this is coming as NO surprise to you. Are you simply afraid to admit you've wasted 4 years of your life on her? Well, sadly, you have. But you don't have to waste 4 years and 1 month of your life on her.

Get the hell out. But, before you go....

1.) Call her father and tell him you are bailing out on his lazy, selfish, manipulative, spoiled, entitled, unmotivated daughter. Tell him she is just TOO MUCH WORK and a bad investment of your time. Wish him luck. Tell him you have sent him an email detailing the problems and, although you don't expect him to read it or believe it, you just wanted to give him ample warning; so when the bills start rolling in he'll know they're all hers...just like they've always been. Maybe at that point, he would be interested in perusing your email...so maybe you ought not to delete it yet, sir.

2.) Send him an email of your original post.

3.) Pack up, get the hell out, change your email and cell phone number, unfriend her from FaceBook and move on. Consider it a VERY expensive lesson and LEARN from it.

4.) At some point when you're working, get some IC to figure out WHY you would stay for 4 years with someone who uses you, disrespects you to her family, lies to you, etc. After all, you wouldn't want to make THAT mistake again.


----------



## heartsbeating

all4her said:


> Im not saying its just because she is rich that she has this problem. I am saying our dynamic suffers bc I am labeled the one who has nothing to offer via her family's opinion. They are very class/prestige driven and it doesnt matter if I worked my way up from nothing, what matters is what car my dad drives and what money I inherit.
> 
> Idk about the low self-esteem maybe Ive asked her to see a dr for 2 years now and she just started last month. She will say things like "but for X an hour, they shouldnt care if I show or what I do, they should just be happy they have me" things like that


If she knew how to budget, how to hold down a job, would this still be a problem for you then? They would rather her be with someone who financially/materially had the things they deem to be important? And do you feel secure enough in yourself that you don't need their approval, that you don't need those superficial things to know that you are worthy?

Unless she can really change and pull her socks up, chances are this will only get worse for you in the long run - and especially if you continue to let it happen.


----------



## all4her

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> WTF! What the hell are
> 
> 1.) Call her father and tell him you are bailing out on his lazy, selfish, manipulative, spoiled, entitled, unmotivated daughter. Tell him she is just TOO MUCH WORK and a bad investment of your time. Wish him luck. Tell him you have sent him an email detailing the problems and, although you don't expect him to read it or believe it, you just wanted to give him ample warning; so when the bills start rolling in he'll know they're all hers...just like they've always been. Maybe at that point, he would be interested in perusing your email...so maybe you ought not to delete it yet, sir.




U don't know how many times I have considered doing this. I dont have the balls to do it, to be the bearer, to betray her trust like that. Maybe shes ok betraying me but on a moral level I am not ok stooping that low even if it is someone i want nothing to do with at that point. Its her story to tell should she ever decide to own up to it. 

Ive outlined all the bad and none of the good so it sounds horrific but she is very genuine and loving. i think she is very immature and making bad decisions to support more bad decisions.

Remember up until Last year that insane spending was Daddy's problem, so for* 3 years* I didnt see any of that side really, except when he would blame me for expenses and I tore her apart when i found that email and broke it off with her for a while. Those were the only times I was privy to her end of the finances. Otherwise I covered my half of the bills, so did she, and i would pay for dates. The end. 

Now It seems i found myself the "new" daddy and im so broke trying to maintain that i honestly cant afford leaving or moving out bc we r barely making ends meet and ive tried throwing her out but she will not go. Last time she went to visit her father i told her to stay there but she makes all these huge promises and wins me over and tells me how she will buck up and stop ****ing up and take care of us more.


----------



## heartsbeating

If your best mate came to you and told you all what you have told us, what would you advice him?


----------



## occasionallybaffled

I find it hard to read your post... Too many red flags everywhere. I would never accept this level of disrespect and selfishness from anyone.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

All4her:

Some people come here for support. Some people come here to vent. Some people come here to get a well-needed kick in the azz!

I'm assuming you need a good kick in the *ss! If you don't want that, just write "Wiser, I don't need any more of your boot in my butt" and I PROMISE I will quit kicking you there. It's up to you! I'm not you, tell me what you need.

I will just say, I am (in 6 weeks) leaving a 19-year marriage with a fiscally-irresponsible man. I HAVE BEEN IN YOUR SHOES. I KNOW where you're headed.

But, again, I'm not here to force my opinion on anyone. If you want my brutally honest, almost-2-decade worth of perspective...ask away. If my 'boot in the butt' approach is getting on your nerves...just tell me to back off. I will NOT be offended. Some people need different things because everybody is in a different place in life!

I'm sending you a virtual *hug*, because God, do you need it!


----------



## norajane

all4her said:


> U don't know how many times I have considered doing this. I dont have the balls to do it, to be the bearer, to betray her trust like that. Maybe shes ok betraying me but on a moral level I am not ok stooping that low even if it is someone i want nothing to do with at that point. Its her story to tell should she ever decide to own up to it.


I suspect her father knows exactly what she's about, and he wouldn't be AT ALL surprised by anything you told him. He raised her. He knows.

Loyalty is a wonderful thing, but you are enabling her to continue being irresponsible. Every single thing you have been doing to support her and accept her is only making it easier for her NEVER to take any responsibility for herself.

You and her father both need to stop helping her. The only way she will learn to stand on her own two feet is to actually be forced to do so without anybody bailing her out.

You would be doing her a favor to leave her. 

I believe that you would also be doing yourself a huge favor if you left her.


----------



## all4her

I guess I should mention that when she FINALLY went to the dr, they diagnosed her with adult adhd and since getting on her meds shes been better. but I say that with hesitation because....she often forgets to take her meds and she still flakes out 50% of the time just not 95%.

Also today when she asked me where things were in the house and how many we had of certain household items, I said back "i dontknow, that's your job, you are the house person" and she said "Im getting really tired of being the house person" so I said "Then get a job!" and she said "I have one!" HA. She was hired last week for a job that she hasnt shown up to. Since dating shes been hired for DOZENS of jobs that shes never even shown up for.

So I said "Ive heard that before and never seen you do an hour of work". 

Then today we ate out and she cooed about how great the place was and we could go back there and i said "No we cant, because we are broke and you need to get a job"

She's taken it quite well, doesnt argue when I say it and says "I know i know"

Then AGAIN today (you guys are opening my eyes a lot) I noticed she said something like "well if that doesnt work out, we can always ask my dad to help us out" about a bill.

I said "You need to stop relying on your dad because one day he wont be around"

and she said (VERY TELLING) "When that day comes I will have his inheritance money anyway"


Then i said "You NEED to stop thinking that way because its preventing you from being an actual developing adult!" 

and she said she knew it was a problem and whatnot. 

Shakes head.

Today is my day off and all day shes been flaking out hardcore and Ive had to reel her in just to get anything i need to get done today. 


Examples: selling busted car today and instead of getting ready and going to clean it, she waited around until 1pm, went outside to chat with neighbors for an hour, and when i reminded her at 2pm that we had to clean to the car and go to my painting studio, she goes "What? What do you mean we have to do that today??"

Then of course she decides to meet the guy without enough time to get there early to clean out the car (which is TRASHED, like Hoarders TRASHED. I dont like living that way but its HER damn job to clean it out and she kept promising she would) so he had to see the car all filthy as hell.



i am not sure at this point if i am here to vent or to make serious changes. I am hoping against all hope that this summer she will grow a pair, ****ing work, and get off the training wheels.


----------



## PBear

Hope is not a plan.. Just saying.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## norajane

all4her said:


> I am hoping against all hope that this summer she will grow a pair, ****ing work, and get off the training wheels.


What makes you think that is remotely possible? Why would she start now?


----------



## that_girl

She's lazy, unmotivated, a mooch and....??

That's enough for me to say, no thanks.

I dated a man for 3 years who held a job for 9 months total. He always had money though....then I found out he CHARGED everything on cards.

Buh bye!


----------



## GA HEART

Wish I could find a man who would support me while I am completely irresponsible. *pouts*


----------



## involedfather

Admittedly I just skimmed your first post but... seriously??? It's a train wreck now, and it'll just turn into a disaster if you keep it up.

Dump her today, and move on with your life.


----------



## golfergirl

I know - I know is woman talk for STF up I'm just humoring you to shut you up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lovelygirl

What a spoiled lazy b*tch she is! 

I feel so sorry for you!!


----------



## all4her

Golfergirl, is that really true??? Ive always heard I know as "Youre right" but maybe thats a huge HUGE oversight on my part. IT would explain why her behavior never changes. 

I broke down and told her today that im sick of taking her problems and smiling about it, that im sick of supporting her, that im sick that i have no faith in her or her abilities. She said she was "sorry i felt that way" UGHHHHH. 


Should I put in an ultimatum?Like hold down a job for this summer full time or else all the cash i am saving is going bye bye along with me? 

We are moving at the end of the summer and It could be a good transition time for me to move out on my own


----------



## the guy

Do her a favor and move on your own, until she sees real consequence she will continue.

Her intitlement issue were brought on by her upbringing, and only she can get the help to fix her self.

On a side note, this kind of issue can bring about infidelity on her part. The thinking here is she is intitled to have a husband and a lover.


----------



## golfergirl

all4her said:


> Golfergirl, is that really true??? Ive always heard I know as "Youre right" but maybe thats a huge HUGE oversight on my part. IT would explain why her behavior never changes.
> 
> I broke down and told her today that im sick of taking her problems and smiling about it, that im sick of supporting her, that im sick that i have no faith in her or her abilities. She said she was "sorry i felt that way" UGHHHHH.
> 
> 
> Should I put in an ultimatum?Like hold down a job for this summer full time or else all the cash i am saving is going bye bye along with me?
> 
> We are moving at the end of the summer and It could be a good transition time for me to move out on my own


It's true on my end when I want to move on to next topic. My H is a complainer (not saying you are) and 'I know - I know' is a way to move forward the conversation with out admitting or committing to anything.

Depends on how you feel. A lot would say it's her personality and you'll never get a long term true change from her. If you want one last chance, go for it, but I doubt she'l believe you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## all4her

WHY I STAY:

Well Iam not as huge an idiot as it may seem, or at least I am blinded to it.

I dont want to give up on her or the relationship. I gave up on my last relationship to my then Fiance and I have lived to regret it horribly. There is no pain more than giving up on someone you love just because you were too stubborn to work through the issues you had.I learned that the hard way.

Also she is very kind, loving, funny, smart, loyal, and she's seriously the only person who has ever stuck by me through lots of personal and emotional issues I went through when we first met.
I had lots of depression issues and was misdiagnosed and went through bad dark times and she always was there to help me, thru cancer and everything else. I know now I have aspergers and shes been with me every step through those horrible 2 years where I bounced around with my doctors for my physical and mental health. 

Ive also nearly died twice during our times dating, and one of those times it was because of her that my life was saved. I got Typhoid and salmonella in Bolivia and she PERSONALLY carried my puking defacating motionless body from the hotel to the nearby clinic and stood by me the entire 2 weeks in the hospital, she scarcely left to eat or anything else. 

I dont trust her with finances, but I do trust her with my life.

and i dont think she does any of her spoiledness on purpose, i just dont think she knows any other means of functioning yet. and ive clearlybeen a very poor teacher


----------



## the guy

In that case take care of the money and take care of her. You know what your up against and any expectation of change from her would be wrong.
As long as you have low expections of her then you should be ok.

Again your not doing her any favors by tolorating her behavior.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

[]


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

> We are moving at the end of the summer and It could be a good transition time for me to move out on my own


Take the time between now and then to really consider what is in your own best interest. Would it be great to help 'fix' your GF's problems? Of course it would! But YOU can't do it. Even a SHRINK can't do it. Shrinks help people FIX THEMSELVES. If she sees NO VALUE in fixing herself


> but for X an hour, they shouldnt care if I show or what I do, they should just be happy they have me


 then it is an utter waste of time and money for a professional and an exercise in futility for you (and her.)

SHE is not the ONLY ONE with a huge problem here. You are being a 'martyr' to this relationship! You have been giving and giving and giving to this relationship until you have hurt yourself both emotionally and financially ALL to prove a point...you're the dependable guy, you're the responsible guy, you're the knight in shining armor guy!


> I gave up on my last relationship to my then Fiance and I have lived to regret it horribly. There is no pain more than giving up on someone you love just because you were too stubborn to work through the issues you had.I learned that the hard way.


 Fixing' this woman appears to REALLY BE ABOUT 'fixing' your last fiancee or 'fixing' yourself because you were unable to make the last relationship 'work.' That being the case, YOU need to be in IC to address your SAVIOR COMPLEX (if you're not familiar with the term, Google it; I believe you'll find it both eye-opening and instructive.)

Your determination to evaluate your GF based on a few, individual wonderful actions is unrealistic. You are dating/marrying the ENTIRE WOMAN...the way she is all day, every day, NOT based on individual deeds. No one is ALL GOOD or ALL BAD (even Hitler loved his dogs!), but you should be evaluating this relationship on the SUM TOTAL of behaviors seen day in and day out.



> she is very kind, loving, funny, smart, loyal


Very kind: except when she is leeching off of other people's HARD WORK and refusing to do any herself (either for pay OR to fix herself); or would that be the part where she LIES to you frequently? I'm pretty sure your cats would NOT see her as 'very kind!' She put them in a position of near-death either because she LIED to you in the first place about having been responsible enough to arrange help (did she even ASK that guy to check on your cats?) OR she was too proud to have her decision verified by checking on the cats (MY GUESS: She lied in the first place and never asked him. That's WHY she didn't want you checking in with him about the cats.)

Loving: except the way she views her own father as a giant wallet...before and after death; she loves no-one as well as she loves herself and her own comfort

Funny: possibly, have no info on this

Smart: smart enough to get an Ivy League degree (did she pay people to write her papers, or did she do the actual work herself? If she did it herself, then she is CAPABLE of hard work and daily CHOOSES not to do any more work...by getting a job)

Loyal: Really? Would that be the part where she has CONTINUALLY 'thrown you under the bus' with her family because it's easier/more comfortable than acknowledging to them HER own financial failures and spend-thrift ways? How loyal is it to make YOU out to be a money-grubbing man-wh*re sucking all of her money out of her bank accounts for your own selfish pleasures? She KNOWS she's making you look bad, but it's easier/more comfortable to let them demean/disparage you...that guy she LOVES SO MUCH!

Your parents raised you to be a responsible, hard-working, self-sufficient adult. That is a parent's NUMBER ONE responsibility; to make their child ready to be a successful, independent, contributing ADULT in this society. Your GF's parents have failed miserably. YOU cannot fix this. Only GF can at this point. And only if she WANTS to. Would your parents approve of the way you are living now? Would they approve of the way you have been living for the past year? Would they feel that their lessons were valued enough by a son they loved enough to raise correctly? NOW, instead of just GF's finances going down the toilet, TWO people's finances are circling the drain...and in JUST ONE SHORT YEAR. Would you want her to teach this cr*p to YOUR children?

Your screen name says it all....ALL4Her. When is it time for you? When will you decide that you respect yourself enough to demand MORE for yourself? That you deserve to be treated fairly and with dignity and respect? Has she been good to you when you were sick? YES! But that is no more than ANY of us would/should expect from a significant other. It is not HEROIC, it is simple human compassion.

Do you really view this woman as someone with whom you can spend a lifetime? Build a marriage? Make a family (if that is one of your goals)? Sure, but only if she changes. ANYONE who goes into marriage attempting to *change* their partner is a fool! The only person we can EVER change is ourself. If you decide to have children with this woman, God help them, because, even then, it will still be ALL ABOUT HER.

Last note: As a woman and the mother of a 14yo girl, I have to say that GolferGirl is RIGHT ON THE MONEY. "I know, I know" DOES, in fact, mean STFU...I don't want to think about/deal with this right now. "I understand" means I have heard you, I will considerate it or I will act upon it. It is a MATURE acknowledgement of what has been said. "I know, I know" is pushing the 'mute' button on the tv because you don't want to hear the commercial.

1.) Google Savior Complex
2.) Spend this summer *contemplating* EVERYTHING in this thread you started. You came here for a reason; you said you had serious doubts.
3.) Don't threaten your GF to get a job. Do what YOU need to do to get back on track. My guess is that if her dad AND you BOTH cut off her funding, she won't get a job. She'll just get a new boyfriend. But that's just my humble opinion.


----------



## golfergirl

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> []


Holy slowly getting wiser - there's no slowly about it - I think you're already there!
The detail you picked up on and your thoughtful response - all I can say is wow!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

golfergirl:

Yeah, well....

...too bad I couldn't have been this 'wise' 30 years ago! Would have saved myself and my daugher a LOT of grief! 

Oh well! Pay it forward!


----------



## all4her

Thanks slowlygettingwiser, your words have horrified me with how true they are.

My last relationship I left bc i had to consider myself, she was bipolar and suicidal most of the time and it tore my life apart....she STILL will not speak to me and makes me out to be the demon incarnate and I STILL feel guilty every day for thinking of myself over her..... which i know is wrong but.....ugh i cant get over it!!

She and I had a HUGE fight last night about it where she tore the laptop from my hands and said "This is MY laptop". I havent had the funds to fix "my" laptop for months now so we were sharing....and she tried to end it with "I dont wanna fight, lets do something fun" and i told her i dont FEEL like having "fun" that she needs to open her eyes here.

I told her we are now splitting up bills and that she has never for a single day worked to pay bill and it will be eye opening for her and the terror in her eyes...she began to SOB. 

We are still splitting finances from May onward and will see how it goes. I also told her if this summer she cant hold on to a job knowing that its my last straw, then how can i trust that in 10 years from now when it doesnt matter as much that she will have and hold on to a job? She said I was being unfair throwing 4 years away over someones ability to work.

My new phrase of hatred is "i know I know" which when I hear next will give her a REAL piece of my mind. thanks guys


----------



## couple

This is sad. I know flaky people like this who think that everything will always just work out for them (usually because it does). You seem very different because your life hasn't been easy (cancer, etc) and you've seen a lot of things go very wrong for you so you have different outlooks on life. You save for a rainy day, you worry about things and she doesn't. She probably sees things more positively than you (for example, her trust in the neighbor to look after the cats). Very different outlooks on life.

I agree that her father probably knows exactly what she is like. However, he probably sees the two of you as the same. It will be very difficult to win in this. He knows she needs someone who is stable and straightens her out or at least smooths over the cracks by providing stability around her chaos. Although you've been good with money and very hard working, you are not not that stable guy that her father thinks she needs. He probably just thinks of you both as flaky stupid kids. She's his princess though and he is probably giving her some rope as she's young but eventually he will lose patience and want her to get serious in life and get with a 'serious' guy. it will be very difficult to win with her family.

Frankly, I'm not sure how I can see this one working out.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

all4you:

I am GLAD for you that you are thinking differently. I realize my 1st response to your thread was...impassioned :rofl: ...okay EXTREME, but in my defense I would like to say that I was *THAT angry, indignant, outraged FOR YOU.* I wanted YOU to be that angry, indignant, outraged. I wanted to advise you the way I would advise my own son. 

I recognized a LOT of my 'old self' in your writing and your reactions to GF's behaviors. You are attracted to needy women who need 'fixing.' I was attracted to liars. It has taken me 30 years (think about how old YOU'll be 30 years from when you met your ex-fiancee) to realize that, although THEY have problems, *SO DO I. I kept choosing them. And allowing bad behaviors.* Something about your 'ex-fiancee post' told me (gut instinct) that her problem was either addiction/abuse survivor/depression/suicidal. 

*Get into IC* and save the BEST YEARS OF YOUR LIFE for healthy relationships. I've gotten to where I am on my own, but will soon be entering IC to get professional help. I don't have anywhere near as many years left as you do (I'm 55), but what years I have left....I don't want to keep f*cking up! I have a teen-age child to think about, too...modelling healthy behavior/relationships, etc.

Good luck! Keep coming back to get advice/to vent/to give advice/to get encouragement. YOU have something to offer on these boards, too. If you don't feel up to advice yet, people always need encouragement. We're ALL on a journey.


----------



## eowyn

all4her said:


> WHY I STAY:
> 
> Well Iam not as huge an idiot as it may seem, or at least I am blinded to it.
> 
> I dont want to give up on her or the relationship. I gave up on my last relationship to my then Fiance and I have lived to regret it horribly. There is no pain more than giving up on someone you love just because you were too stubborn to work through the issues you had.I learned that the hard way.
> 
> Also she is very kind, loving, funny, smart, loyal, and she's seriously the only person who has ever stuck by me through lots of personal and emotional issues I went through when we first met.
> I had lots of depression issues and was misdiagnosed and went through bad dark times and she always was there to help me, thru cancer and everything else. I know now I have aspergers and shes been with me every step through those horrible 2 years where I bounced around with my doctors for my physical and mental health.
> 
> Ive also nearly died twice during our times dating, and one of those times it was because of her that my life was saved. I got Typhoid and salmonella in Bolivia and she PERSONALLY carried my puking defacating motionless body from the hotel to the nearby clinic and stood by me the entire 2 weeks in the hospital, she scarcely left to eat or anything else.
> 
> I dont trust her with finances, but I do trust her with my life.
> 
> and i dont think she does any of her spoiledness on purpose, i just dont think she knows any other means of functioning yet. and ive clearlybeen a very poor teacher


Can you talk to her dad and get his inputs regarding this in a constructive manner. If you have this issue with her now, he probably had this issue with her up until now. Tell him that she is a great girl but you would like some tips on how you could get her motivated to start working, saving money, and being financially responsible. That would help her grow as a person as well. After all daddy is not going to be there forever. Maybe this will also give you a chance to connect with the daddy and let him see what a nice person you are. I am not saying "complain" about her but try and get some good advice from him. Don't go into details of any specific transaction, and good idea to prepare in advance on what to speak... I don't know what the detailed logistics are between you and her dad.. just something that came to mind. Might or might not be a valid option for you.


----------



## keko

all4her said:


> I had lots of depression issues and was misdiagnosed and went through bad dark times and she always was there to help me, thru cancer and everything else. I know now I have aspergers and shes been with me every step through those horrible 2 years where I bounced around with my doctors for my physical and mental health.
> 
> Ive also nearly died twice during our times dating, and one of those times it was because of her that my life was saved. I got Typhoid and salmonella in Bolivia and she PERSONALLY carried my puking defacating motionless body from the hotel to the nearby clinic and stood by me the entire 2 weeks in the hospital, she scarcely left to eat or anything else.


Minus her spending habits she's a keeper.


----------

