# A year ago today my life changed forever..



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I'm feeling a little down today. Just thought I'd post an update on how things are going. My H is finally doing all the right things. I'm trying to stay focused on the here & now, But it's hard sometimes. I wish I'd done so meany things different. Every thing that I learned here, made me see how truly naive I was. 

I could only see the good in people. I miss that sometimes. Now I don't trust anybody. I've kept up with my eating right & working out. I get out & have me time. Been going swimming & doing things that I enjoy. I've made a lot of changes to become more independent. On the outside I've come out stronger than I ever was. I speak my mind & take up for myself. 

Now if only I could take control of the inside. It's not as bad as it was, But I still can't hardly look at him without picturing him with her. I still feel like I'm competing with her at times & I can't get rid of the pain of knowing he could do me that way, But I pick myself up every day & learn to live with it a little better. I'm getting stronger everyday.

I want to thank all of you here that have helped me along the way. When I stumbled across TAM I was suicidal & alone. There's no doubt in my mind that if not for the people here I wouldn't be here today. You all mean more to me than you will ever know. Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts..

D & L


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## November (Nov 28, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> I'm feeling a little down today. Just thought I'd post an update on how things are going. My H is finally doing all the right things. I'm trying to stay focused on the here & now, But it's hard sometimes. I wish I'd done so meany things different. Every thing that I learned here, made me see how truly naive I was.
> 
> I could only see the good in people. I miss that sometimes. Now I don't trust anybody. I've kept up with my eating right & working out. I get out & have me time. Been going swimming & doing things that I enjoy. I've made a lot of changes to become more independent. On the outside I've come out stronger than I ever was. I speak my mind & take up for myself.
> 
> ...


D & L,,

I don't know your story, but nevertheless, support is great, and even being a new be here, I will give you support and encouragement as others have given to me. 

Assume he let you for another woman? If so, that hurts, and I'm sure you're hurting from what you say. 

I could argue that you're doing the right thing... eating well, exercising, and taking care of yourself. I'd suggest getting back in the dating world a bit, as least join some clubs to meet people and make some friends. You can take it one step at a time, and you might just meet someone that will make you very happy. Good luck.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I am 8 years post D-Day. My wife and I made a successful recovery and are very happy today. It will take you more than a year to really get this off the front burner but with time it can move further away. The marriage will be however, forever altered. There is nothing you can do about that but to learn from the mistakes made in the past. I used to say that while I have recovered my trust in my wife, trust would always have an asterisk behind it. With time that asterisk has shrunk to a mere pin point and it's rare that a hair on the back of my neck will stand up. I feel no need to snoop or intrude into her personal life. I don't check her email accounts, phone, face book or anything else even though she still let's me know any time she changes a password. It's been like that for many years now. Only time and continued effort will allow you to make the transition. It looks like you are on the right path. Good luck.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

November said:


> D & L,,
> 
> I don't know your story, but nevertheless, support is great, and even being a new be here, I will give you support and encouragement as others have given to me.
> 
> ...


November, 

I'm still with my H he had a 6 month PA


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Devastated an lost said:


> I'm feeling a little down today. Just thought I'd post an update on how things are going. My H is finally doing all the right things. I'm trying to stay focused on the here & now, But it's hard sometimes. I wish I'd done so meany things different. Every thing that I learned here, made me see how truly naive I was.
> 
> I could only see the good in people. I miss that sometimes. Now I don't trust anybody. I've kept up with my eating right & working out. I get out & have me time. Been going swimming & doing things that I enjoy. I've made a lot of changes to become more independent. On the outside I've come out stronger than I ever was. I speak my mind & take up for myself.
> 
> ...


DL, don't be too hard on yourself. It can take a really long time for a couple to recover from an affair, and while the progress may be slow, it's clear that you are moving forward. You are strong and you are doing really well. Keep up the self-love and care.

Are you in IC right now? If not, I would strongly urge you to consider it.

*hugs*


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

i personally know the pain. I remember the day I found out my ex. cheated. it was surreal. I had suspected it for months. had nightmares and walking up cold sweats thinking about her with that drunken bum i knew she was fooling around with. i was pretty sure, but the day i found out, she admitted to me what she did.
i tried to run away, but we were on holiday, and there was no way for me to escape the small town we were in.

I don't know if there's a comparatively horrible feeling. maybe like finding out you have cancer.
don't know, cause i've never had it, but maybe like that.
when my brother died, it was worse, but it took time to really hit me.
when you find out your loved one cheated, it's more like a ton of bricks.

it makes me glad to hear that you're doing pretty well.

it does get better. time is the greatest healer.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Are you in IC right now? If not, I would strongly urge you to consider it.

*hugs*[/QUOTE]No I'm not, But I am considering it.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Going for laser eye surgery for some corrections so I can avoid contacts.

I wanted to cheer you up before I am off for a a day or two.

I thought I would clean my penis with rubbing alcohol for sex but some got into the urethra and burned inside. Ruined the mood.

I too, feel pain.

Quote the Fisty, mmmm smores.

Next time I will just use soap.


Anyways, like most emotional memories, it dissipates with time, and his actions will help reinforce to you and your husband, that he will change for the better. Just do not let him dump his frustrations on you. All about boundaries and respect girlfriend. We ladies have to stick together.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated and Lost

Today is a day of pain, a day you remember your life to be severely altered, by the cruelest betrayal. It is also a day to reflect back on the last year, a day to mark your achievements in the improvement of yourself. You came here and I read your story, I saw much of myself in your posts, and I remember those feelings exactly. My year of remembrance was January 20th of this year, and I made it through this difficult day. 

You will too, for you have survived countless days of pain and hopelessness to get to this day. You will continue surviving, continue to live, and as time passes come to acceptance. It is a difficult journey, one that pulls no punches, but you have made it this far. A year ago today you didn't think you could survive a week, but you did, and then survived fifty one more. This is an accomplishment to be proud of, to recognize your strength, when you believed you had none. 

You have successfully changed many facets of yourself, whether you wanted to or not. You have stood tall when you needed to the most, and you continue to better yourself each day. Many posters here have watched you grow during this process, and I'm sure they are very proud of you. You have shown many new members what it takes, you have done this with dignity and class, and you are a great person many would be honored to call you a friend. 

Your journey is not over, and there is much more healing to accomplish. Many posters here will support you through this still, we have all suffered and support each other. Without ever knowing I'm sure there are posters her who have been helped by the posts you've written, same as was done for you. So while you thank the posters here for their support I hope you understand you are helping someone else at the same time. 

I wish you the best devastated and lost, you are a remarkable person. I hope you find peace and happiness in the near future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I stayed with my WW for 2 years after her first affair. Then I discovered more and it was time to end it. 

During those 2 years, I did a lot of work on myself. I was seeing my own therapist as well as an MC. I also tried various groups (Alanon, ACA and CODA) and found one in the area that worked for me. 

In addition to 2 years of self discovery and growth, I gave my wife a chance. A chance to come clean, and to rebuild the marriage. So, I don't consider them wasted years. 

I hope that your story ends differently. That you husband takes advantage of the gift you've given him. But in the meantime, work on yourself. We all have our 'stuff' to work on. Now is a good time.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> I'm feeling a little down today. Just thought I'd post an update on how things are going. My H is finally doing all the right things. I'm trying to stay focused on the here & now, But it's hard sometimes. I wish I'd done so meany things different. Every thing that I learned here, made me see how truly naive I was.
> 
> I could only see the good in people. I miss that sometimes. Now I don't trust anybody. I've kept up with my eating right & working out. I get out & have me time. Been going swimming & doing things that I enjoy. I've made a lot of changes to become more independent. On the outside I've come out stronger than I ever was. I speak my mind & take up for myself.
> 
> ...


Hang in there and do what you need to do for YOU!!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Devastated an lost said:


> > Are you in IC right now? If not, I would strongly urge you to consider it.
> >
> > *hugs*
> 
> ...


DO IT. It will help you to process and work past all the conflicting feelings you're having, and help you navigate road bumps when they come up.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> DO IT. It will help you to process and work past all the conflicting feelings you're having, and help you navigate road bumps when they come up.


Agreed and also help you decide what you want from a place of strength and not fear.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Sorry that you even have to go through this day. I hope you are proud of yourself for coming out of this on the other side a stronger person. Be proud of what you have become through all of this. A gentle suggestion for you; but IC is such a good idea! Do it for you and look at it as a continuation of healing and dealing with whatever may come your way. I'm cheering you on and hope things only continue to improve in your marriage!


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Thanks everybody,

I have looked into IC made some calls & got all the info. Where to go, what it will cost.. exc. I know I will get bashed for this, But I talked to my H about going & he's scared it will dredge everything back up. It's been over for him for a while as I have just stopped talking about it, But it never went away for me.

That being said we're going on another trip to Florida next month & I decided to let it go until then. I don't want to ruin our trip, but as soon as we get back I'm going to make an appointment. I need help to know how to cope better. I've just learned to hide it better.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> Thanks everybody,
> 
> *I have looked into IC made some calls & got all the info. Where to go, what it will cost.. exc. I know I will get bashed for this, But I talked to my H about going & he's scared it will dredge everything back up. It's been over for him for a while as I have just stopped talking about it, But it never went away for me.*
> 
> That being said we're going on another trip to Florida next month & I decided to let it go until then. I don't want to ruin our trip, but as soon as we get back I'm going to make an appointment. I need help to know how to cope better. I've just learned to hide it better.


He's afraid? Tough sh!t! He should have thought about that before cheating. that is a red flag to me - he wants to rug sweep and not take full responsibility for his reprehensible actions. What he is afraid of is that therapy will open your eyes and you might leave him. He's looking out for himself not you or your marriage.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

When he said he is afraid to dredge it up, let him know about your fear of repressing it. You need to resolve it or it will come out in unexpected ways.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You need to see a marriage counselor to help you heal and for your husband to help you through your anguish. He has to owe up to his actions. So, he fears that going through counseling will dredge his affair again. It will be dredged so that the rubbish can be taken away. He threw the rubbish in your marriage, so he needs to take it away. You cannot go through your life with this anguish and pain. It will eat you in the end.

My best to your healing journey...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your husband is still just a little too self-absorbed. He needs to understand this is what you need to heal. He should be doing everything possible to support what you need. 

This is a long process. He has never gotten that. It's over for him and so he thinks it's over for you. He needs to be very grateful you are giving him another chance.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> He's afraid? Tough sh!t! He should have thought about that before cheating. that is a red flag to me - he wants to rug sweep and not take full responsibility for his reprehensible actions. What he is afraid of is that therapy will open your eyes and you might leave him. He's looking out for himself not you or your marriage.


This was my first thought, too. 

If he REALLY wants to fix/save your marriage, he needs to be willing to do WHATEVER it is that YOU NEED to heal.

If you need counseling (and I really thing you do, dear OP), then he needs to be on board for that. It may be over for him, but it's far from over for you, and he needs to TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for and OWNERSHIP of the pain he's caused you and the damage he's done to the marriage with his actions. It doesn't sounds like he's really done that yet. Actually, he probably doesn't want to do that because of the guilt that he's feeling--he doesn't want to deal with his own guilt, and he needs to. So MC will be good for him, too.

It was also a red flag that he says he doesn't want to dredge everything up... my spidey sense was tingling at this. I have a feeling that there is some stuff about this affair that you still don't know, that he is still keeping something from you, and he's worried that MC will bring it out into the light.

And as truthseeker said, he is afraid that you will see him for who he really is, and that you may leave him. He is afraid to face the consequences of his actions.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> It was also a red flag that he says he doesn't want to dredge everything up... my spidey sense was tingling at this. I have a feeling that there is some stuff about this affair that you still don't know, that he is still keeping something from you, and he's worried that MC will bring it out into the light.
> 
> I know you are right about this. I've got so meany different stories that I just stopped trying to get the truth out of him.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> This was my first thought, too.
> 
> If he REALLY wants to fix/save your marriage, he needs to be willing to do WHATEVER it is that YOU NEED to heal.
> 
> ...


Isn't it just terrific of cheaters to not want to "drudge up the past" especially since they turned the past into drudge. They had their fun, the illusion is over and now they want their marriage back. Isn't that just so special and big of them?:cussing:

I've said it a million times and I'll keep saying it. Cheaters ENJOYED their affair, they had a blast with the illicit sex, the rush of sneaking around, the fantasy of it all. Especially those in LTAs - you do not GO OUT OF YOUR WAY to *repeatedly * have sex with someone and then turn around and tell me it wasn't all that. Uh huh.,..yeah sure. Problem is many don't want to pay the bill that has come due. Selfish is as selfish does.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> FeministInPink said:
> 
> 
> > It was also a red flag that he says he doesn't want to dredge everything up... my spidey sense was tingling at this. I have a feeling that there is some stuff about this affair that you still don't know, that he is still keeping something from you, and he's worried that MC will bring it out into the light.
> ...


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

TS1, 

I know there's a lot of truth in what you're saying. That's why I think I need IC I've been with this man my whole adult live. I never even dated anybody else. Nor did he. It's hard to give up on 34 years. He's always been a good & loving H up until he did this. I don't know what made him do it, But I do know it was very out of character for him. I believe he is reacting out of fear now. He's afraid just like me of losing the only kind of life he's ever known. I'm trying to deal with it the best way I know how. I may walk away in the end who knows, But I'm not ready to give up yet. I know there's good in him. I've seen it.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> TS1,
> 
> I know there's a lot of truth in what you're saying. That's why I think I need IC I've been with this man my whole adult live. I never even dated anybody else. Nor did he. It's hard to give up on 34 years. He's always been a good & loving H up until he did this. I don't know what made him do it, But I do know it was very out of character for him. I believe he is reacting out of fear now. He's afraid just like me of losing the only kind of life he's ever known. I'm trying to deal with it the best way I know how. I may walk away in the end who knows, But I'm not ready to give up yet. I know there's good in him. I've seen it.


Then by all means hang in there. However he needs to come 100% clean - no more lies and he needs to be 100% supportive of IC for you. It's not about him - the affair was all about him - IC is about YOU. He had his fun and now e should help clean up the wreckage.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Then by all means hang in there. However he needs to come 100% clean - no more lies and he needs to be 100% supportive of IC for you. It's not about him - the affair was all about him - IC is about YOU. He had his fun and now e should help clean up the wreckage.


I agree with that, Thank you.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> I agree with that, Thank you.


All I want for BSs is happiness and peace - whether they R or D. As long as they have the FULL truth and can make a decision based on ALL the facts then I'm supportive - either way.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Truthseeker1 said:


> All I want for BSs is happiness and peace - whether they R or D. As long as they have the FULL truth and can make a decision based on ALL the facts then I'm supportive - either way.


That's what I want to. I'm just not sure how to go about it yet. I really appreciate your input. You have given me a lot to think about. Sometimes it's hard to see things when you're so close to it. emotions get in the way. Thank you for caring.


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## totalfive21 (Jun 25, 2014)

Devastated,

I can hear myself through your words as well. My D-day (of "just" an EA, allegedly) will be three years ago in October. My husband also did not want to do MC because he thought "dredging everything up" would be counterproductive. In some ways I can see what he means. 

I too found TAM (it took me longer than you though), and I feel I have grown personally. I did IC only for a short while. Maybe I should do more -- it gets expensive.

I'm not sure if you and your husband talk over what happened as often as you want. My husband and I do not. He would rather leave it in the past. Things were definitely rugswept. It's not a healthy situation. Trust has not been restored, at least on my part. I bought a VAR and placed it for a 2-day period. Nothing. I know that wasn't long enough but I was so anxious about its presence that I removed it. 

Like you, an upcoming vacation has stymied my plans for further action. I want things to be "normal" during that period. Maybe after the vacation I'll place it again. I have a young son and do not want to just up and leave without a concrete reason. Do you have any children?

Like other posters, I have seen that you have grown throughout this period and offer very helpful advice to others. You are doing great so far. I hope you find peace.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I remember reading and commenting on your original posts a while back. If memory serves, I told you then that your H may not be capable of the level of understanding necessary to comprehend what this has done to you and therefore, his level of remorse may not be what you want or need it to be. I told you then that I am not making excuses for him but rather just explaining to you what I see and I still feel the same way.

His depth is not equal to yours and as such he cannot feel the hurt you feel. His mentality is to "make the bad stuff go away". There are varying levels of remorse and we sometimes refer to it as rugsweeping if it does not meet with our expectations but in reality it is sadly all that some people are capable of. If his attitude is sincere and his motives genuine then you must accept whether his ability to feel remorse is sufficient and decide from there.

You are not the same poster that put those first posts on this board and it has been good to see you grow and share with others your experience and advice. Now you must decide if what your H can offer is enough and only you can know that. You are in a much better place now to decide than you were a year ago and you will be in a much better place a year from now. Time is a fascinating phenomenon. Enjoy your vacation and your life, you deserve happiness in whatever form works for you and I sincerely hope you find it.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It's typical for a WS to be able to quickly put it in the past.

Your WH didn't have his heart broken, however. You did. Tell him that. Tell him that it takes a while to mend your broken heart.

Go get the IC for yourself. You will feel much better if you can just vent and talk with someone neutral.

And as for your feelings about the OW - you are a much better person than her. We all can see that. Please don't let the pain of what he did make you doubt it.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated and lost

If you feel IC would be beneficial to you then do it. If you feel MC is beneficial to you and your marriage then do it. If your husband says no or gives any kind of excuse, then tell him to commit fully to your healing and the marriages healing. Not discussing this through is going to hurt you later. I just spoke to my wife about intimacy, it's value and our beliefs to each other. 

We both now have a much better understanding, but it takes talking it through. You can't just turn your head from the elephant in the room, you must discuss it and then evict the elephant from the room. So sit your husband down, and schedule three talks a week for forty five minutes each. If you become overwhelmed or angry during a scheduled talk you stop. 

Stay strong, and God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

totalfive21 said:


> Devastated,
> 
> 
> 
> ...


totalfive21,

We have a son. he is grown & married. Thank you for your kind words. We seem to think alike about the situation we're in. I hope you find peace as well.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> *It's typical for a WS to be able to quickly put it in the past.*
> 
> Your WH didn't have his heart broken, however. You did. Tell him that. Tell him that it takes a while to mend your broken heart.
> 
> ...


It's in their best interests - to get it all - the affair and their family - its frequently a win-wn for cheaters.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> I remember reading and commenting on your original posts a while back. If memory serves, I told you then that your H may not be capable of the level of understanding necessary to comprehend what this has done to you and therefore, his level of remorse may not be what you want or need it to be. I told you then that I am not making excuses for him but rather just explaining to you what I see and I still feel the same way.
> 
> His depth is not equal to yours and as such he cannot feel the hurt you feel. His mentality is to "make the bad stuff go away". There are varying levels of remorse and we sometimes refer to it as rugsweeping if it does not meet with our expectations but in reality it is sadly all that some people are capable of. If his attitude is sincere and his motives genuine then you must accept whether his ability to feel remorse is sufficient and decide from there.
> ...


NoChoice,You nailed it!

He is very remorseful & has overwhelming feelings of guilt. most people think that if you're not moving heaven & earth, doing anything & everything that's ask of you that you're not truly remorseful. I know he is, I've seen him shake & wipe away tears, when he didn't know I was looking. The truth is you can only do what you're capable of. I understand how he thinks. Even if I don't agree with it. This has damaged his self worth, just as it has mine. I've seen him grow, just as you all have seen it in me.

All he knows to do is try & show me that he loves me & don't want to lose me. He thinks by talking about it, It only keeps it on my mind & if I keep thinking about it long enough. It will destroy what love I have left for him. I can kind of understand what he's saying. That don't keep me from wanting to talk about it. That's where we're different. So we've meet in the middle. There's still hurt & pain, But we have way more good days than bad now.

I'm gonna tell you something we shared as to how we each see it. I told him.. What if I took a bat & hit you & broke your leg. You went through painful surgery's, uncomfortable cast & walked on crutches for months. The bone would finally heal, But you would walk with a limp for the rest of your life. & on the days it rained it would still hurt unbearably. & every time if flared up I would get mad at you, Because you just won't let it go. That's how I feel.

Later he told me, What if I found a snake & brought it home. & it bit you. Of course I would feel guilt & remorse. I can see the pain I've caused & it's killing me to watch you suffer. My first instinct would be to kill it & get rid of it, So you would never have to worry about it biting you again. Not to put it in a cage so we could look at it every day & talk about how bad it hurt you. I can't see how that would do anything, But make it worse for both of us. So two completely different perspectives here. How do we know witch is wrong & witch is right? 

Sorry for the long rambling post, Just thinking out loud..


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> NoChoice,You nailed it!
> 
> He is very remorseful & has overwhelming feelings of guilt. most people think that if you're not moving heaven & earth, doing anything & everything that's ask of you that you're not truly remorseful. I know he is, I've seen him shake & wipe away tears, when he didn't know I was looking. The truth is you can only do what you're capable of. I understand how he thinks. Even if I don't agree with it. This has damaged his self worth, just as it has mine. I've seen him grow, just as you all have seen it in me.
> 
> ...


The one that leads you to peace and happiness. I'll add to your husbands snake story since it is incomplete - he brings it home - the snake bites you - he kills it - *(here is my addition) - he still has to take you to the hospital to get the snake bite treated - he can't wish the venom that is running through your veins away - you must take concrete steps to remove the venom.*


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I would ask him this, if you kill the snake and get rid of it, that's fine. So are you saying I should kill you so I don't have to worry about you or the snake hurting me again?

Devastated you have to live with him, see him, love and touch him. So if he killed a snake so it would never cause harm to you, what is his answer to what he did to you?

Something new in treatment of PTSD is to have the person keep repeating the trauma. Supposedly having the person repeat it has an effect on the brains response. I wish I knew more about this but I don't and maybe someone else here does to elaborate further. 

My point is I believe a MC could help the both of you very much. Learn about this and each other as you have both now changed. I hope you do some sort of therapy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Truthseeker1 said:


> The one that leads you to peace and happiness. I'll add to your husbands snake story since it is incomplete - he brings it home - the snake bites you - he kills it - *(here is my addition) - he still has to take you to the hospital to get the snake bite treated - he can't wish the venom that is running through your veins away - you must take concrete steps to remove the venom.*


I like that addition..


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> I like that addition..


As you know from our correspondence I don't root for an R or a D - just your peace and happiness - however your husband wants to just rug sweep everything and not deal with the results of his affair. That is what I find unacceptable about his attitude towards this whole thing. He thinks if you both ignore it long enough life goes back to normal WRONG buddy you changed things forever now step up like a man and deal with it.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated you have to live with him, see him, love and touch him. So if he killed a snake so it would never cause harm to you, what is his answer to what he did to you?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Then if he wants the woman who offered the gift of reconciliation he will be vulnerable and talk to you. Period.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated the point I'm trying to make is time will not heal this wound. Time doesn't heal wounds and never has healed wounds, think about this. If someone you knows passes away you grieve for that person, as TIME PASSES it becomes easier. Time didn't heal the loss, your grieving process healed you, time passing makes it easier. In your case now time will cause resentment, anger, and regret, and your marriage doesn't need this.

You need to confront this enemy head on, you need to discuss this between you both. Hoping it goes away will not heal either of you. I know he is remorseful but he needs to be vulnerable to keep the woman he loves, you. If he doesn't do this your hopes for reconciliation are quickly fading.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

*Sv: Re: A year ago today my life changed forever..*



Truthseeker1 said:


> The one that leads you to peace and happiness. I'll add to your husbands snake story since it is incomplete - he brings it home - the snake bites you - he kills it - *(here is my addition) - he still has to take you to the hospital to get the snake bite treated - he can't wish the venom that is running through your veins away - you must take concrete steps to remove the venom.*


I like this addition too, and if I may add: the snake bites you - he tells you he killed it, but you didn't actually see it, he has to take you to the hospital... 

In the real world, you don't know for sure if the snake will bite again or not.

It takes a lot more than a year for most people to learn to handle this uncertainty.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I will add... your husband may think that time will heal the wounds, and eventually your relationship/marriage will go back to what it used to be before the affair. What he may not understand is that your marriage will NEVER be the same again. That's not necessarily a bad thing--DON'T THINK IT'S A BAD THING! Your marriage will never be the same because you and he are different people as a result of this affair--you alluded to this in your first post, that you're not as naive as you used to be. So the marriage needs to change into something other than what it once was; the marriage needs to mature and change to accommodate who you are now. It can grow stronger and it can be better than it was, but it will never be the same. 

And that is what the counseling is for, so the two of you can work together to move this marriage forward. It's not about blaming him, or dredging up the past. It's about you working through your grief, and him working through his (which he clearly has), and together re-discovering one another and how you've each changed, and together deciding what your marriage will be moving forward. All of that takes time.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Also, it's going to force him to face and deal with the parts of himself that he dislikes the most, by which he's ashamed, embarrassed, or humiliated. It will make him vulnerable, because he's scared that you will reject him for his weaknesses and his faults. That you might decide he's unloveable. People--especially men, in my experience--don't want to be seen as weak or vulnerable, because it's when they are most likely to be hurt. He's scared that you'll hurt him the way he's hurt you. And people do stupid sh!t when they are scared/stressed--which is probably why he is resistant to MC.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> Also, it's going to force him to face and deal with the parts of himself that he dislikes the most, by which he's ashamed, embarrassed, or humiliated. It will make him vulnerable, because he's scared that you will reject him for his weaknesses and his faults. That you might decide he's unloveable. People--especially men, in my experience--don't want to be seen as weak or vulnerable, because it's when they are most likely to be hurt. *He's scared that you'll hurt him the way he's hurt you.* And people do stupid sh!t when they are scared/stressed--which is probably why he is resistant to MC.


I remember reading a series of posts on TAM where the former cheating wife was expressing her worry that her husband would have a revenge affair - she mentioned it more than once. I was thinking you just betrayed your husband in the cruelest way possible and who are you worried about - you!! Selfish is as selfish does.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> I remember reading a series of posts on TAM where the former cheating wife was expressing her worry that her husband would have a revenge affair - she mentioned it more than once. I was thinking you just betrayed your husband in the cruelest way possible and who are you worried about - you!! Selfish is as selfish does.


I don't think he's necessarily scared that D&L will cheat on him, but he's probably scared she will leave him.

Selfish? Yes, certainly. But it is a valid fear, because he knows that she would be justified in doing so. The fact that, from his perspective, she won't "let it go" only intensifies his fear, because he thinks that she is dwelling on it; he might even think she is obsessing over it. He can't see that what she is really doing is trying to heal her heart, because he's blinded by his own fear.

He's kind of like a wounded animal: an animal has no rational, reasoning thought, and when a dog is wounded, in pain, and scared, if you reach out a hand to help him, the dog will bite your hand, because the dog irrationally thinks that you are causing the pain/going to make the pain worse. It doesn't make sense, because it's irrational, but the dog can't help it.

People do stupid sh!t when they are scared. Like resist MC when their wife needs it to work through her husband's infidelity to fix/save their marriage.

He SHOULD be scared. He should be fvcking terrified. And he should trust her enough to go to the MC and open up all that he can for her, and do what she needs, and trust her NOT to leave him in spite of his fear. Because she will need to seem him invest that trust in her, if he is ever going to earn back HER trust.


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## Road Scholar (Sep 19, 2013)

D&L,
I don't fully know your story but in a way I do, I have lived my own and I am still struggling as well with ups and downs. I am 1 year and 11 months past DDay2 and 2 years and 4 month past DDay1. I haven't been active on TAM in awhile.

First, I am so sorry for you and your situation. Nobody deserves to feel this pain, especially inflicted on us by the ones we loved. I guess we should count ourselves among the "lucky ones" to have a remorseful WW willing to help heal the pain and tend the wounds - even if imperfectly and willing to work on the marriage.

I feel your husband is like my wife and many WW's, remorseful, ashamed, scared, still covering up and wanting to move forward and now finally willing to put in the work they see fit, after having been caught red handed. They both realize they made a mistake but will never know the pain they have caused or the damage done. We are the ones trying to piece everything back together and keep it from blowing up. Not to discuss this or that because it might spoil the mood or the positive mojo in the relationship. Working on the marriage, trying to keep the family together despite the hurt and pain, keeping up the outward appearances that things are fine, being strong and brave for our kids, and yes all while working on us too because we have done the self reflection and realize our part in allowing the marriage to become stagnant in some areas - like any long term relationship does.

My wife and I have stopped IC/MC shortly after DD2 because I didn't have the stomach for it after being in a false R throughout MC...but I am looking into it again because I cannot seem to get past a week or two without getting down and questioning how I can be with someone who has hurt me so deeply and callously. Inevitably I become very sad, very down and depressed thinking about it all. Still after nearly 2.5 years. 

I question myself and if I'm being to sensitive about this. If I'm just feeling sorry for myself AGAIN! Throwing myself a pity party for one. Expecting too much. Why can't I just move past it and stay past it? Why must I go back and relive it over and over? 

This week I ran across a bunch of mp3s (song) he made and sent her. I listened to every one. AGAIN. She told me this am that you can't keep living in the past because the present is passing you by. I know this. I know it's true but it sounds so shallow coming from her. Today was the first day of school for our kids - grades 6th and 8th. I was excited but consumed by the thought that two years ago we had this day grades 4th and 6th and she was still in the affair and could have ended it before DDAY2. She went through the motions with me while still being faithful to him. I can't seem to hold on to happiness either.

My mood swings are hard on her. I go from loving her and being happy to treating her like she is an enemy of mine - by silence mainly and withdrawing from her. I wonder if I would be better off without seeing her every day starting over with someone new. We both could. in the end it would be another failed marriage for reasons "unknown". I am religious and am trying to forgive, love, show compassion and understand human frailty and weakness.

I started writing this wanting to give you advise and support not to take over your thread. I apologize for that. 

I understand your struggles and I commend you for trying to do the right thing. You are not alone. Keep fighting the good fight. Some of the wounds have healed. Some of the pain has dulled. We are doing better than 1 year ago and better than 2 years ago. There has been progress. You need to realize the progress made even in the midst of the hurt you still feel.

Hopefully your WW will realize the treasure they have been given and pick up the sword to slay the beast they created and fed for too long by doing the things they don't feel are necessary but that we need. In the end, it's the thought that counts - even the stuff they don't think will help, will. It's effort and action that count. Make sure you get that.

I wish you nothing but the best and all the happiness you deserve. God Bless you.

RS


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

@FeministInPink, 

I believe you're right. He calls me several times a day. He told me one time he couldn't think strait at work, Because he is worried if I'm even gonna be here when he gets home. I was going to leave when I first found out. He took time off from work, Even tough I told him not to, I didn't want him here. He begged me to stay & work it out.

I have a family member that this happened to & they stayed together. The guy told my H due to children involved, he was going to give it a year & if he still felt the same way he was done. everybody thought they were doing good. After the year was up he left his wife. 

My H has brought this up meany times. We are costing along pretty good. Most days things seem to be great actually. He spends all his free time with me. We go out & have fun every weekend. It's like when we were dating. If I ever have a bad day or don't feel good or talk enough, He panics. I think this is all the more reason he needs help too, But it's like you said about the dog with the hurt foot.

When I first found out it was hell. First I cried all the time, Then I went numb & became suicidal & made two attempts. Then I got pissed & almost called it quits several times. It was a roller coaster. He says he came so close to losing me that he's afraid if we stir it all back up we want make it through it again. I think we've come a long way. We're not doing that bad, but we still have some issues.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

@Road Scholar,

Thank you. I really needed to hear that. I know my H is trying the only way he knows how. We have come a long way & I think he is slowly opening up a little more every day. I hope things continue to get better for you as well..

D & L


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Road Scholar said:


> D&L,
> I don't fully know your story but in a way I do, I have lived my own and I am still struggling as well with ups and downs. I am 1 year and 11 months past DDay2 and 2 years and 4 month past DDay1. I haven't been active on TAM in awhile.
> 
> First, I am so sorry for you and your situation. Nobody deserves to feel this pain, especially inflicted on us by the ones we loved. I guess we should count ourselves among the "lucky ones" to have a remorseful WW willing to help heal the pain and tend the wounds - even if imperfectly and willing to work on the marriage.
> ...


It is shallow coming from her - she had her fun and now wants life to go back to normal. It does not work that way. She destroyed the marriage and now is dispensing self-help advice. I swear sometimes I think all cheaters need a taste of their own medicine - good and hard. The do not [email protected]#$%^& get it and they never will. With each post on this site I become more of an agnostic on RAs I really do.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Devastated an lost said:


> @FeministInPink,
> 
> I believe you're right. He calls me several times a day. He told me one time he couldn't think strait at work, Because he is worried if I'm even gonna be here when he gets home. I was going to leave when I first found out. He took time off from work, Even tough I told him not to, I didn't want him here. He begged me to stay & work it out.
> 
> ...


It sounds like he might need some reassurances to encourage him to move forward--with an open mind--with the MC. I would tell him a couple things:

1) Tell him that you are committed to fixing/saving the marriage, which is why you want to do counseling, because without it, the marriage can't move forward. Your commitment to MC and working on the marriage is sincere, and you want him to make the same commitment. If you're committed to working on the marriage, that means that you're not just going to disappear into the night or while he's at work. If the marriage is going to end--being brutally honest--it will be because you two have come to that conclusion together through the course of MC (and he will see it coming, it won't be a surprise), but the marriage has a much better chance of surviving and thriving with MC than without.

2) This family member that he keeps comparing your marriage to? That guy's marriage was his marriage, with HIS wife. Every marriage is unique, and the people in it are unique. Just because another couple who went to MC called it quits does not mean that is what will happen to the two of you; whatever anyone else know of this other guy's marriage, they only know the tip of the iceberg. What was really happening is only known to that guy and his wife. Your marriage can't be compared with theirs. That is like comparing tomatoes and asparagus. Whether or not YOUR marriage survives depends on YOU and YOUR HUSBAND, not what happened with someone else. Your husband needs to stop comparing, and focus on your marriage. 

3) Tell him that you think that the two of you are making good progress, but at some point you need a professional to get to where you really need to be. Here's an example: maybe you want to lose weight, and you start off OK on your own, making small changes and starting exercise. But maybe you hit a wall, or you lose motivation. Maybe you hit a plateau, and you can't figure out why. At that point, you've done everything that you can on your own, but to get further, to get to where you want to be, you need to hire a personal trainer to help you identify and improve on the weak points in your routine--weak points that you can't see because you're too close to it. That's what MC will do for your marriage.

You can also tell him that all that roller coastering and whatever you went through when you first found out, which he's scared of revisiting--MC will help mitigate those impulsive reactions, if they come up again, and help you sort out your feelings so you don't do something rash. If you threatened suicide when you first found out, I'm not surprised that he's scared to bring all this out again.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Devastated an lost said:


> Later he told me, What if I found a snake & brought it home. & it bit you. Of course I would feel guilt & remorse. I can see the pain I've caused & it's killing me to watch you suffer. My first instinct would be to kill it & get rid of it, So you would never have to worry about it biting you again. Not to put it in a cage so we could look at it every day & talk about how bad it hurt you. I can't see how that would do anything, But make it worse for both of us. So two completely different perspectives here. How do we know witch is wrong & witch is right?


I don't see full remorse here of your husband. In the first place, why would you bring home a snake when you know that it will bite. In my book, this is not another perspective, but justification for rugsweeping. He has not fully accepted his responsibilities as a cheater. He has a way to go. See a marriage counselor.


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## November (Nov 28, 2013)

D&L,

First, I commend you on your efforts to fix your marriage and the effort that you put forth, and the effort your husband is putting forth, too.

However, I'm going to take a much different stand than most here. I'm not condoning infidelity, but there is often a reason for it. It's rare that a happily married couple end up with these problems. There could be something in your marriage long before that prompted this behavior and THAT really needs to be solved to make things really work well.

I'm not blaming you (or your husband), but there was a reason for the affair.

I can understand why he doesn't want to bring up the past, and I agree with him. It's over, put it behind and worry about the future. He sure sounds remorseful.

I hate the way folks will totally condemn the affair person, like it's the absolute worst thing that can happen to a marriage. No, there are things that can be WAY worse. Alcohol and drug abuse is one.... and there could be others. 

You need to look at all the reasons for the affair and solve whatever the REAL reason was. If you beat him down with overwhelming guilt, remorse and want him to tell you over and over all the details, I doubt that it will work. People only take so much. 

I suspect you really want this to work, and I hope you make it. And, unlike some have said, time WILL heal this, and trust will come back. It may not be the same, and it could actually be better. It depends what BOTH of you put back into it.

Best of luck to you.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

@Devastated an lost You are doing just fine - focus on YOU and let your H get his sh!t together - he had the fun now let him feel the consequences...


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

November, I think your first post in this thread were better - the one where you suggested that D&L should start dating. That's more healthy for her than to take blame and responsibility for her husband's bad decisions.


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## Melinda123 (May 1, 2015)

Devastated an lost, I identify strongly with your post. 

I found free marriage counseling at a local church. I am going to begin counseling in a couple of weeks. 

I found out my husband had an affair going at work when the OW contacted me. He denies everything. She didn't give specifics, just enough to let me know they discussed leaving me. I didn't have a clue. He has refused counseling, but I hope he will go and confess to me at some point. He claims he has not had sex outside of the marriage, and even if that is true, what about an emotional affair? I also was naive and trusted everyone. I learned my lesson. I'm sorry you are still in pain a year later. My pain is recent and I hope not to be in pain a year from now, so please keep us posted. I have learned to hide it well, also. 

This group probably saved my life, too. I cannot thank everyone enough. The support I have received has been incredible. Tears as I type. I'm off on vacation and dread going as it is hard to be with him 24/7. He says he doesn't want to live under suspicion and I don't want to live under doubt. I am trying to be strong, exercising, losing weight and scheduling activities I enjoy. Going to a wedding for his side of the family this weekend. How I am treated there by him and his family, that have never been nice to me, may just swing that pendulum in the direction I need. A little part of my heart dies every day. 

Hang in there and best of luck to you; I hope you make decisions that are best for you.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Melinda123 said:


> Devastated an lost, I identify strongly with your post.
> 
> I found free marriage counseling at a local church. I am going to begin counseling in a couple of weeks.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry for your situation but you are in the right place as a BS - TAM is the absolute BEST site for BSs. Good luck to you as well.


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## November (Nov 28, 2013)

cpacan said:


> November, I think your first post in this thread were better - the one where you suggested that D&L should start dating. That's more healthy for her than to take blame and responsibility for her husband's bad decisions.


Cpacan,

Good point, but seems like D&L wants to reconcile, and there's nothing wrong with that. If it's totally over, and they are permanently separated, yes, date a bit and get back in the game... perhaps slowly.

And I'm not asking her to take blame... but there IS a reason that he had the affair, and often it's because something in the marriage isn't working right. Almost always. Regardless of whose fault, that needs to be addressed, if they stay together.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Devastated an lost said:


> So two completely different perspectives here. How do we know which is wrong & which is right?


By taking it to the marriage counselor you should be seeing every other week for at least the next six months.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Devastated an lost said:


> Are you in IC right now? If not, I would strongly urge you to consider it.
> 
> *hugs*


No I'm not, But I am considering it.[/QUOTE]

I'd recommend it. A friend of mine went to "talk" therapy. Just sitting and talking with a therapist and they found it very helpful.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> NoChoice,You nailed it!
> 
> He is very remorseful & has overwhelming feelings of guilt. most people think that if you're not moving heaven & earth, doing anything & everything that's ask of you that you're not truly remorseful. I know he is, I've seen him shake & wipe away tears, when he didn't know I was looking. The truth is you can only do what you're capable of. I understand how he thinks. Even if I don't agree with it. This has damaged his self worth, just as it has mine. I've seen him grow, just as you all have seen it in me.
> 
> ...


This is bound to be a long painful journey and slowly but surely you seem to be moving forward. Regardless however of perspectives, his perspective as to how you should react is not relevant, yours is the relevant one. You need to know, you need transparency, etc therefore he has to accept that. The healing process is for YOU and has to be on YOUR terms, not his. He did the damage, now he has to accept the cost which includes you wanting to talk about it, not rug sweep, etc. if you do not have that, in the long term, it will eventually eat away at you, trust will never be truly established and something will be missing from your marriage that although may never be fully right again, could be built into something new and even better. How can he not understand that? By rug sweeping, he is missing out a wonderful opportunity to start again and build a marriage more beautiful than before. 

Ask him to read this
Understanding Your Loyal Spouse | AFFAIRCARE


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Devastated an lost
I have no doubt that your husband does not want to bring up the affair. According to your posts he is remorseful, suffering, and very fearful that you will leave him. It will probably be every hard on him to constantly be reminded of how low he stooped and will have to face the fact that he is a betrayer and has committed the worst act in marriage and in trust. His self-esteem has taken a hard hit.

He may heal faster by avoiding being reminded as to his disgusting character act of betrayal but you are the one that is most important at this time. If you feel that he should talk about it then he will just have to absorb the pain and talk. If you can get what you need from an IC and not need his discussing the issue then that may also work for you.

After one year my counselor told me to stop bringing up the affair to my WW. Since she was remorseful and trying to get over her shame my counselor told me to stop rehashing the issue and work on myself. I did not like that advice but I followed his instructions. Later I came to a few conclusions. *The first conclusion was that I would be better off working on building myself up rather than try and rehash the affair*. I already knew that she betrayed me and that was enough for me to take the actions in my plan. In other words it would be better for me to do everything I could to get myself better and not be taking away from that goal by getting all upset when rehashing the affair. 

Really the main issue for me was that she betrayed me and I did not need to have all the gory sexy details to give me mind movies for years to come. Rehashing the affair would get me all worked up and I would be consumed by hurt and not be able to do much to build myself up. It was hard for me to stick to the counselor’s advice but as the years went by I managed to avoid asking for all the gory sexy details or even bring up the betrayal because that would do me no good and probably do me harm. *My conclusion in this matter would be determined by what she did for the next several years because there is no way that you can get your hurt satisfied in the first year or two IMO*. I watched her for over 4 years and any slip and she would be out in the street because I had all the legal rights in the divorce. *She proved by her ACTIONS, not her words, that she was truly remorseful so I remarried her after 4 years.*


*I worked on myself for a long time and got to be more self-sufficient and stronger and now I can no longer be devastated by her if she betrays again.* I am satisfied by us being together but I know that I can be alright without her. She no longer has the power to make me Devastated and lost! That has worked for us but I am not telling you to do the same as we did. I am just telling you that there are different ways to help yourself get better.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

November said:


> D&L,
> 
> It's rare that a happily married couple end up with these problems. There could be something in your marriage long before that prompted this behavior and THAT really needs to be solved to make things really work well.
> 
> ...


 Day one,I ask him What was lacking In me & our marriage, That made him turn to somebody else. Here's the answer I got. He was miserable at work "I knew this as we had talked about it" OW & her H were long time customers that he'd known for years. She came in & noticed, She ask if he was ok & they started talking. Him complaining about work, Her about her H. That's how it started.

He told me There's not one thing I can say that you did wrong. It had nothing to do with you. He said he told OW that he couldn't ask for a better W I had stood by him through a lot & would do anything he ask me to. I confronted her before he could talk to her & she told me the same story.

He showed remorse the whole time he was having the A. He would take my hand & cry for what seemed to be no reason at the time. He had started taking those shots for low T. "Witch I believe played a roll in the A as well" He told me they were causing him to have a lot of emotions & he needed time to himself to deal with it, so I backed off, Even though I knew something was very wrong. BIG mistake on my part.

Since d-day he's resolved his work issues & we are more tuned into each other feelings. We talked about the details of the A for the first 2 or 3 months. I don't ask about those anymore or beat him down about it. Even with all he's done I Love him & don't want to see him hurting. You made some good points here. I wanted to try & clear them up if I could. I appreciate your input & giving me a chance to explain.



Melinda123 said:


> Devastated an lost, I identify strongly with your post.
> 
> This group probably saved my life, too. I cannot thank everyone enough. The support I have received has been incredible. Tears as I type. A little part of my heart dies every day.


I'm so sorry you're here. It is a long & bumpy road, but it does get better. The people here will help you get through it. Don't hesitate to ask. You can PM me anytime you need to talk. Wishing you the best...



Mr Blunt said:


> Devastated an lost
> I have no doubt that your husband does not want to bring up the affair. According to your posts he is remorseful, suffering, and very fearful that you will leave him. His self-esteem has taken a hard hit.
> 
> After one year my counselor told me to stop bringing up the affair to my WW. Since she was remorseful and trying to get over her shame my counselor told me to stop rehashing the issue and work on myself.


 I agree with this. I don't bring it up anymore with him. I do come here & talk about it sometimes, When I can't seem to stop thinking about it & that helps me to move on at the moment. Over all we're doing pretty good, But I still have days when it just hurts so bad to carry the knowledge that he could do that to me..


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## November (Nov 28, 2013)

cpacan said:


> November, I think your first post in this thread were better - the one where you suggested that D&L should start dating. That's more healthy for her than to take blame and responsibility for her husband's bad decisions.


You make a very good point, and I agree. Just wanted to point out that there is usually something not working right in the marriage to cause an affair, and that is often overlooked.

Not placing blame...

However, if totally broken and divorces, then get back in the dating world.


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## November (Nov 28, 2013)

turnera said:


> By taking it to the marriage counselor you should be seeing every other week for at least the next six months.


I support the marriage counselor option, but it's SO HARD to find a good one.... almost a stroke of luck. Been thru way too many, some actually destructive. 

Good luck.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

November said:


> I support the marriage counselor option, but it's SO HARD to find a good one.... almost a stroke of luck. Been thru way too many, some actually destructive.
> 
> Good luck.


Yes I've heard a lot of bad stories on here. We're doing a lot better & I'm a little afraid of going backward.


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