# Just trying to figure out if it's really over.



## Keef (Jul 28, 2011)

Hi there everyone, just joined and have been seeking desperately to find advice in my situation. Although I'm not actually married/going through divorce, my fiance and I pretty much did the whole routine.

So I guess I'll go ahead with it..

Around a month ago, my fiance and I had an argument. Things at the time were getting a little rough on us both emotionally. For around the last couple of months, I had been somewhat depressed about my job and myself in general. I was and still am working almost 60+ hours every week on nightshift. I knew I wasn't getting enough time to spend with her and my daughter (Almost 2 now) So after getting through the arguments and after her telling me a few times to try and fix whats going on the unexpected happened to me.

She came to my work place one night and told me that we needed to take a 2 week break. She told me that I needed to show her a little effort. After that night the depression took a worse toll on me. I was staying at my mothers for awhile and only getting to see my daughter a couple of times.

A little around a week ago, she calls me and tells me we are not getting back together and that she still wants to be good friends with me. Since then I've tried pleading with her and doing what I can to get her back. Every time I try though she just says it's over and that I should just move on. Learned that the first week after the actual break up, she had already started dating and having another guy stay over at her house.

At this point I really just don't know what to do. I only get see my daughter on my days off now and I'm also having to start all over with everything considering that she owned the car and the house. Most of my stuff is still there, she isn't really trying to pack up anything and also tells me that she doesn't want me to come to the house to get the stuff at this time. She told me that she still loves because of our daughter, but that isn't in love with me anymore.

I really don't know how to on after all of this, my whole world revolved around her and my daughter. The hardest part about this is that if she ever wants me back after this, how can I let go of the fact she was seeing someone else so soon after me? Should I try to go out and date at this time? I really have not ate or slept in this last week. I know in time things will get better but right now it feels my whole world is shattered and the only happiness I feel is being around my daughter.

Just some facts about us
I'm 23, she's 28. Been together for 3 years (engaged for 6 months)


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well right now, it's over. She dumped you. So youneed to accept that. Right now. At this very moment.

Put her in the past where she belongs.

My bet is she was probably cheating on you for awhile with this guy who' staying over. 

Set up a time to go and get your things and treat her as you would an ex-girlfriend/fiance cause that is waht she is.

Do not beg. Do not pursue. Do not plead. Get a schedule in place for your child and only discuss co-parenting at this point.

I am sorry you find yoruself here but you can and will get better with time. 

The more you cling, the less attractive you will appear and the more she will confirm in her mind that she made the right decision. 

She wants out, let her go.


----------



## Keef (Jul 28, 2011)

I'd like to thank you for your honesty, I know all of that is not what I want to hear but I know I'm just killing myself thinking otherwise.

She told me that she has never cheated on me when we had our last confrontation about all of this, and she really isn't the kind of person to lie especially since there was no reason to.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I was going to write exactly what JB did.

Sounds like she knew what she was doing all along and was deceiving you to get sex with this new guy. And now, even if there was a chance to somehow make things better and improve your marriage/relationship you would have to overcome the thought of what she did and how she went about doing it. There is unrestorable damage to the trust you had.

Even if you could get a working level of trust back, is that something you could really live with? I know for the sake of your daughter you would say yes, and I am sure you are strong enough to persist with that sacrifice, but in the end as I am trying to learn that is not a choice you have because she decided to put more value on being apart to pursue her own life than by keeping it in the marriage.

I am sorry you are going through this, I too wondered if it was over for good with my W even well into learning how far she is along her new path. Part of that is denial, part of that is just knowing how good our relationship felt at one point in time, to me I always knew the potential was always there just wanted to know why we weren't able to give each other our best.

What should you do? the only answer is whatever YOU need to do, focus on healthy things, time alone to work through your thoughts and emotions, go have some fun but don't try to get even or vindicate yourself, don't go on the rebound just use this opportunity to help make your life the way YOU want it to be. There will be a LOT of ups and downs, mostly downs for awhile, but they will level off and things will improve. Find your inner strength again. Good luck, keep in touch with this forum


----------



## Keef (Jul 28, 2011)

Thanks for encouragement, I will try my best to move on and work on myself and my daughter at this point. And of course I'll keep in touch with this forum if anything starts looking up, whether or not that evolves my ex.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Keef said:


> I'd like to thank you for your honesty, I know all of that is not what I want to hear but I know I'm just killing myself thinking otherwise.



The truth does hurt but we all need to hear it in order to make the healthiest/best decision. The sooner you accept her decision, that it's over, the better for you. 

You said: 



Keef said:


> _She told me that she has never cheated on me when we had our last confrontation about all of this, and she really isn't the kind of person to lie especially since there was no reason to._




But earlier said: 



Keef said:


> _*Learned that the first week after the actual break up, she had already started dating and having another guy stay over at her house*_


1 week of the break up she's already dating and having a man stay over? Sorry, dear, but it very much sounds like she was cheating on you before she cut it off w/ you.


----------



## Keef (Jul 28, 2011)

She said that she was just lonely and that I it really was is just mindless sex, either way it still hurt to hear it from her. I'm not sure whether to confront her about it or just let it go. I know that it shouldn't really matter at this point, but if she does want back with me later on, it will a big factor on whether or not she was faithful.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dating someone isn't "mindless sex." It's dating. 

And I am sure it hurt but it's better to know the truth about what happened than to be sold on a lie. 

Get tested for STDs. Just in case. 

As far as confronting: I wouldn't unlesls she bring sit up. Why? Because she has already dumped you and ended the relationship. Nothing else to discuss.

Now if she comes at you telling/talking about 'mindless sex' and how 'lonely' she was, you can tell her "I find it really hard to believe that just 1 week after you ending our relationship that you randomly started dating someone nad trusted them enough to have them over in our house where our daughter lives." Then say nothing more and keep on walking tall. 

I mean, hey, maybe she didn't cheat at all but it sure sounds like that is what happened.


----------



## Keef (Jul 28, 2011)

Well from honest perspective about the situation, I really do believe that she never had sex with anyone while we were actually together. But what I do believe could be true is that she was talking with someone before she actually kicked me out.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well, whether she did or not, what you have to deal with is the here and now. Moving forward in your life. It will suck cause you are heartbroken but with time and friends, it does get better.


----------



## Keef (Jul 28, 2011)

So just an update. Talked to her for awhile on the phone today. We argued a little but in the end we ended up talking a lot of things out.

We won't be getting back together anytime soon, but the conversation we had let me understand a little more about the break up in general. We are going to try our best to stay close friends, if not for us then our daughter. I'm still a little tore up about everything but starting to see a brighter side to it all.

Also, just wondering if anyone else has had experience with this kinda break up. Should I go out and date others this soon? Will it make me feel better about all of it and myself in general? I'm asking because I do want to stay close friends with my ex, but I'm still feeling that deep loneliness, but not so much the hurt anymore.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Keef, at this point you do what you feel you need to do, but keep it healthy. You are only out a week and I honestly think its WAY too soon to date, though for me when W left it was already very lonely for a long time, and I also was seeking validation in my desirability. After a few weeks I went to some dating websites, friendly texted with one lady and realized I definitely was not ready.

Also I still see red flags with what your fiance is telling you. It is great that you both want to remain friends after this, and I think in a few cases its even possible, except I'm still worried based on the countless other stories so similar to yours, including mine, on this site that there is the possibility of infidelity, and if so realize she is in the fog of her affair and feeding you a lot of lies in order to cope with her guilt - of course she wants you to be her best friend forever (because you've loved and supported her, though I'm sure she's not telling the OM that) and of course she wants you to date (so that she is justified in her affair). If this makes you angry that I'm writing this I understand, I too was angry when people were predicting this horrible thing before my eyes, I thought our relationship was truly unique and special but it ended up following the textbook. And if I'm wrong then so be it, just really trying to tell you what you need to hear in order for you to keep your strength and do what is right for you and your daughter.


----------



## Keef (Jul 28, 2011)

Thanks for the support Lon. We have talked a lot today, mostly about how to go about us being friends without the awkwardness. She is still very adamant that she didn't cheat, I really do believe her but at this point I think it doesn't matter and I'm just trying to move on with my life. 

The biggest problem right now for me is just dealing with all of this stress and loneliness all at the same time. I'm having to kick start my life back in order while dealing with my emotions. I find myself just trying to figure out where to go from here, the feeling of everything not "feeling right" is worse than the heartache at this point.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Keef said:


> Thanks for the support Lon. We have talked a lot today, mostly about how to go about us being friends without the awkwardness. She is still very adamant that she didn't cheat, I really do believe her but *at this point I think it doesn't matter and I'm just trying to move on with my life.*
> 
> The biggest problem right now for me is just dealing with all of this stress and loneliness all at the same time. I'm having to kick start my life back in order while dealing with my emotions. I find myself just trying to figure out where to go from here, the feeling of everything not "feeling right" is worse than the heartache at this point.


I think you got it right, I just know that for me it started out this way, just "wasn't right" I wanted to know why she wanted to leave, was wanting to give it a real try, begged and pleaded a little... actually I went into survival mode and kicked my azz in gear, got a ton of unfinished chores finished, lost 20 pounds due to stress, tried to win her back we even went on a date but then after a few weeks I found the real reason she wanted to move on in the form of nudie pics she was sending to her racially charged fantasy studs between the times she wasn't actually there fvcking them, and suddenly the pieces of the puzzle all made sense. It was a double+ dose of hurt, even though a part of me already knew what was going on. 

But being able to let go of her has been the biggest stride I've been making towards my own happiness again, and it sounds like you are aware of that piece of the pie.


----------



## Keef (Jul 28, 2011)

Yes, I do know that I will have to give up these feelings and just try to push forward. I know that in time I will get happier and will move on but it feels like everyday is another challenge.

One of the biggest tolls on me right now, is know that she's happier now, while I feel the most lonely and depressed I have ever been. I know that I love her enough to let her have that freedom and want her to feel happy. But at the same time it feels selfish of her to have done this. I'm not sure if that makes me a bad person, immature, or what. But at this point the only thing I have is what I'm feeling.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Yeah it seems pretty unfair that they seem to be able to just go after the life they dream while we are left behind picking up our shattered hearts. I think part of it, though I'm just guessing because I can't even really fathom it, is that they say they went through all this grief when they checked out. So its not that our wayward spouses are better off, its just that they're at a different point in time. If anything there is an equal chance that they are lonely and regretful about their decision to leave. I think the challenge for me now is learning how to take charge of things again, I honestly have forgotten and can understand now why my lack of confidence was totally unnattractive... but no contact helps and necessity I'm realizing is a guaranteed motivator, I'm starting to get a little taste of my abilities as a man again and it is feeling right.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Keef said:


> One of the biggest tolls on me right now, is know that she's happier now, while I feel the most lonely and depressed I have ever been. I know that I love her enough to let her have that freedom and want her to feel happy. But at the same time it feels selfish of her to have done this. I'm not sure if that makes me a bad person, immature, or what. But at this point the only thing I have is what I'm feeling.


You're not a bad person. Of course you feel she is selfish for cutting it off, you feel like "What about me?!" And that's normal. But you have the right attitude--letting her have the freedom to be happy. It's the most loving thing you can do, even when it hurts.


----------



## Keef (Jul 28, 2011)

Another Update:

First I wanna thank Jelly and Lon for the all the help. Especially Lon, I know you're going through a tough time right now too. Hopefully this post might give you some hope.

So...Lately things have took a 180 for me. The other day I decided that I didn't want to feel like crap anymore. I talked with family, friends, new friends, and mostly, my ex. The more I have talked about this situation with her logically, the better I felt. I learned a lot about myself and why I unhappy. Finally came to the conclusion that we both really needed this break up. 

She told me that a big part of her is still in love with me, but being in a relationship is not what we need for ourselves right now. Lately me and her have been laughing more with each other and being honest about our needs and what we want for the future. We also had a fling one night that was really fun, and it made me realize that she will always be my best friend. I will always still love her and although it will take some time to fully detach from her, I'm happy now.

I am spending more time on myself now and finding new things enjoyable. Also spending a lot more one-on-one time with my daughter which has been great. I have a date with a very cute girl I've been talking to Wednesday and it's something I'm really excited about.

So all in all, things are looking better. The feeling of everything being "wrong" is now starting to fade away, more of a "new" and sorta "strange" kinda feeling.

Anyways, sorry for the wall of text. Feels good getting all out there though.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well, you sound good and you have the right attitude. Go slow on your date and just try to enjoy yourself, be a good dad to your child.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Yes go very, very slow on your date. You have not gotten over your ex. Give yourself some months, and possibly a year, to emotionally heal before you become romantically involved with another woman.

Consider limiting any interaction with your ex to matters only pertaining to your daughter and nothing more. I say this because she may want to pull you into her personal drama, not because she loves you and wants to reconcile with you, but to satisfy some emotional needs that the OM ("mindless sex" other man) may not be able to. So if you see this happening, put a stop to it immediately by respectfully, calmly and quietly informing her something along the following lines

_"I have a new life and it doesn't include being your confidant or friend. Please respect my private life as I respect yours."_

You cannot move on with your life if you allow her to play with your emotions.


----------



## Keef (Jul 28, 2011)

Yeah I plan on taking it really slow on the date. I picture it mostly as a going out with a friend deal.

And about the ex...I'm treading lightly when being her friend right now. I understand that I still have a lot of feelings for her, and can also see that she has the same. But I am firmly staying at my current state, I will not be getting back with her anytime soon, nor am I not letting her rule my life while we're apart. But I have appreciated the fact that she is being a very good sport talking to me about her dates, my dates, and just having a friendly conversation when she has the time.

Will keep you guys updated whenever possible.


----------



## Keef (Jul 28, 2011)

Starting to feel as if this thread is my temporary online journal lol. It's nice to put it out there though...

So tonight I went out to dinner with the girl I've been talking to. I must admit, it was pretty nerve wrecking and a little awkward to be out with someone new. Although we didn't have a lot in common, it was just really nice to be in the company of someone who did appreciate my presence. I don't know if it will turn into anything more than a friendship, but I am taking things slow.

Although having this night out comforted me some, I still feel this lonely feeling or state of confusion of what the future holds for me.

After getting back to the house after the date, my ex called to check on our daughter. She also asked about how well my date went. This put me in a really crappy mood for the reason she knows I know she has been on a trip with the guy she has been seeing. Just not sure what to think anymore about it.

Anyways, I will be going to my ex's house tomorrow to gather up some of my things. I'm not sure if she will end up talking to me or what.


----------

