# Not Sure whether to attend wake and/or funeral



## nypsychnurse

I broke up with my fiance last new years eve after we each did something the other considered disrespectful and had a terrible argument...we were together for 6 years, engaged for 2 with no set plans on a wedding date.
We each had our own homes, but he spent a good majority of the time at my house when I wasn't working.
Because we owned some property together, it wasn't a clean break...we met up often over the next six months, while dealing with the sale of the property...each meeting always began friendly but usually ended in an argument and we became more toxic as time went on.
He wanted to keep the property, but could not/would not buy me out...He continuously tried to convince me to try to work things out, although he wasn't willing to do any real work on the relationship, while I wanted it sold, regardless of the outcome of us.
In the end we sold the property for less than we paid for It, and I agreed to less than a 50/50 split because I just wanted it overwith. 
In the end he was very nasty and I asked him not to contact me again. 
That was in early July. The separation was very hard for me...i began isolating and ended up moving 2 hours away in order to avoid the places we used to go and for fear of running into him.
I was really trying to move on with my life, making new friends and taking good care of myself...
He blocked me on fb because I had pictures of us together and im sure he didn't want any potential new dates to see them.
I was happy, because I didn't have to see his comments on the pages of mutual friends anymore...He only contacted me once after that...in early November...looking for a coat he thought he left behind at my house...i was angry that he would reach out so casually without any sort of apology for his past behavior, and I responded very coldly.
Soon after I noticed that he was "liking" things on the fb pages of my family members, obviously he unblocked me...
This past weekend the wife of his best friend messaged me...he unexpectedly had a massive heart attack and died...the following day, multiple people reached out, but not his children, so I reached out to them...his son was warm, daughter in a fog.
I'm ambivilent about attending any services...on one hand I know it's my last chance to say goodbye and pay homage to the good that our relationship had...but on the other hand, I don't know what he told his family and I don't want to go where I am not welcome...A few of my family members told me I shouldn't go, just because he treated me so badly in the end...idk
I've seen a lot of good advice given on this forum...I want to hear your thoughts...


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## Andy1001

Stay away. 
Emotions can get high at a funeral and you WILL be seen as the bad guy. 
Just stay away.


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## arbitrator

*Part of me tells me that given the nature of your relationship, that you should make the effort to go. If you do choose to go, have someone accompany you, but keep your presence as low key as possible! 

Either that, or go to the funeral home in private prior to the wake and pay your respects that way, or just go to the cemetery after burial when you are alone!

Given the potential for hard feelings, I can't really blame you for keeping your distance from the other family members!
*


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## Tilted 1

Yes, you said goodbye when you split. Don't go it serves nothing but guilt. Move on again, don't dabble in the realm of shoulda coulda, woulda camp. No resurrection of the past. And the reason for the warm response, his family who responded is not a horrible person. And just because it was warn doesn't mean they don't like you. The call taker as some class.


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## .339971

Tough one. I know you feel you need closure, but if you don't feel like you'd be welcomed, don't go. Send flowers and a card. And my late mother did this many years after her dad died, but she visited his grave and read out loud everything she had on her mind that she wanted to say. I don't know what it was and I never asked, but whatever it was, it brought her the closure she needed. Good luck in this.


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## Openminded

No. 

You can let go in your own way another time. It doesn’t need to be there with his family and friends.


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## nypsychnurse

His son (25)called me today...he wanted to make sure I had the information on the services and request my help to figure out his dad's banking passwords...my ex left behind a house occupied with tenants, with no will, no access to any assets and no instructions...
After talking to his son I realized that my fear is probably unwarranted...
I then talked to one of his best friends who told me that not going up would show a lack of "class" on my part.
I am thinking at this point of taking my daughter and going...speak briefly to his mother, son and daughter and then fade into the background...if I feel uncomfortable in any way, I can leave...
If I don't go...i may regret it later...I really want to do the "right" thing. 

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## nypsychnurse

@Openminded ...many of them are my friends too...

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## sunsetmist

9:15 I got interrupted and nypsychnurse has posted additional info, but...

I'm in the minority. He was someone very special at one time. Going might release some of the left-over pain. Is there any special reason you think you might be unwanted? We do not know just how disrespectful y'all were to each other.

What does your gut say? I would probably need closure--whatever that would take. I have a friend who made arrangements to go to the funeral home when no one else was there.

You should know I was asked not to attend the visitation of my BIL with a message from my ExH sent through my adult children, so it depends on what you need and what his family/friends want. Perhaps the wife of his friend who notified you could ascertain if there was any problem.

Should you go, be respectful and discrete.


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## EleGirl

nypsychnurse said:


> His son (25)called me today...he wanted to make sure I had the information on the services and request my help to figure out his dad's banking passwords...my ex left behind a house occupied with tenants, with no will, no access to any assets and no instructions...
> After talking to his son I realized that my fear is probably unwarranted...
> I then talked to one of his best friends who told me that not going up would show a lack of "class" on my part.
> I am thinking at this point of taking my daughter and going...speak briefly to his mother, son and daughter and then fade into the background...if I feel uncomfortable in any way, I can leave...
> If I don't go...i may regret it later...I really want to do the "right" thing.


With this new info it sounds like you should go. The approach you lay out here makes sense.


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## Spicy

Also, if you go, you can arrive just a few minutes before and then leave right after.


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## nypsychnurse

The thing I did that he considered disrespectful was call him out on some bad behavior and stand up for myself...i may have been a little dramatic about it, but I was in the right.
The thing that made me feel possible unwanted was that I feared he did not tell his family the truth or provided false information to them about the break up. (ie, the threatened that he would tell them all that I cheated on him in order to explain the break up)
I adored his family and was very involved in family events prior to our breakup...i was feeling that *if* had done that, I would be in a down position and knowing myself that I would not be able to use this time to set the record straight, I thought It might be uncomfortable for me.
After talking with his son, I gather that he did not proceed with his empty threats @ sunset mist 




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## Openminded

With the new information, a brief, low-key appearance wouldn’t be inappropriate since his family doesn’t object.


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## nypsychnurse

Update: I went...it was fine...his family thanked me for coming...many friends approached me with caring words...
As I said my goodbyes I was told "Please keep in touch", his mother suggested we have lunch...
And then I found myself face to face with his ex-wife...they were married for 13 years and had a bitter divorce 10 years before i started dating him...they did not speak the entire time I dated him and he only spoke badly of her...
I said "it's nice to finally meet you, I'm sorry it's under these circumstances"...we chatted briefly about her kids and new baby grandson and then she decided to tell me that They (her and my ex) just realized that they were still in love with eachother...
Ugh!

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## Casual Observer

nypsychnurse said:


> And then I found myself face to face with his ex-wife...they were married for 13 years and had a bitter divorce 10 years before i started dating him...they did not speak the entire time I dated him and he only spoke badly of her...
> I said "it's nice to finally meet you, I'm sorry it's under these circumstances"...we chatted briefly about her kids and new baby grandson and then she decided to tell me that They (her and my ex) just realized that they were still in love with eachother...
> Ugh!
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


And then there's that. 

Well, if they "just" realized that, it likely has nothing to do with you, didn't overlap in the timeline, and she's got to be in a bit of a fog herself, having lost the father of her kids. That bond might have clouded her judgment a bit about things when he died. She may be re-writing the most-recent past a bit. You have a future that hasn't changed while she's had something that shaped her past removed from her world, permanently.


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## SunCMars

This ended before I had a chance to answer.
I would have recommended going.

For reasons no one here could ever understand, certainly not believe.

You see....

It was (near his end) written that you would dislike him, maybe despise him before he left you, as one dead.
It was a relatively easy thing for you to see him.....off. Painless, more or less.

His ex-wife loved him to the end, and he reached out to her, letting her know that he always loved her.
He left her in peace. Painless, more or less.

Someone on the other side looked out for those left living.

Always go to a funeral when it is expected, when you are wanted there.
Always.

You are part of the play, the act that seemingly ended with the deceased. 
If you miss that final ending, the play goes on.

Sometimes, continues unpleasantly.

Yes, bodies die, the spirit of the *moment, lives on for some time.

*The moment is not always but a second, but days, maybe years, maybe a lifetime.


King Brian-


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## EleGirl

nypsychnurse said:


> Update: I went...it was fine...his family thanked me for coming...many friends approached me with caring words...
> As I said my goodbyes I was told "Please keep in touch", his mother suggested we have lunch...
> And then I found myself face to face with his ex-wife...they were married for 13 years and had a bitter divorce 10 years before i started dating him...they did not speak the entire time I dated him and he only spoke badly of her...
> I said "it's nice to finally meet you, I'm sorry it's under these circumstances"...we chatted briefly about her kids and new baby grandson and *then she decided to tell me that They (her and my ex) just realized that they were still in love with eachother...*
> Ugh!


Take that with a grain of salt. It might just be her way of trying to make herself feel better about things.


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## Openminded

It’s good that it went well but it’s unfortunate that she felt the need to share her “news” with you. Just attribute it to her grief and don’t give her another thought.


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## SunCMars

EleGirl said:


> Take that with a grain of salt. It might just be her way of trying to make herself feel better about things.


Did not Brian not just say that?

..............................................

On the surface...

It may have been 'him' reaching out to her 'because of the failing relations he was having with our original poster, our kind psyche nurse.

He knew that the ex wife still wanted him. He felt that most common 'need', wanting to be loved, so he reached out to the vulnerable ex wife.

The man was being assaulted by outside forces, they made him ornery, sick. 

In the end, it also pained deeply, our OP. She was within his life sphere.

Was.

And these adverse aspects led to his heart or cardio system failing. 

Yes, yes, I am sure a lifetime of other factors such as diet, lack of exercise, genetic pre-disposition, also made this happen. 

In proper order. 

He was slated for death. 

The timing here is key.
Not for every one. Some are seemingly ignored for most of their lives. 

Another story.

Hmm..


Gwendolyn-

Note:

Had he been in great condition, he would have been taken out some 'other' way. 

We saw an 'apparently' and rather nasty man taken out. Many forces at work made this happen.

And, as planned. 

He did not know his time was near.

No, few do.

A good thing?


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## nypsychnurse

Thank you for your replies...they have been a comfort to me... Especially @SunCMars 
The last year has been very hard for me and as morbid as it may sound, I really do believe that a higher power was looking out for me...
I no longer have to obsess about the 'what ifs' and 'what I could have done differently'
I feel sorry for the grief his children and family are feeling, but I feel very lucky myself...grateful for sure 

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## TaylahBanning

h my darling, If you appreciate the experience you got. Simultaneously, in these relationships, and you want to say goodbye for the last time, it is okay to go there. He is a part of your life, and I am sure that there were and happy moments. My friend was in a similar situation. He didn't want to see the relatives of his ex but couldn't miss the chance to say how much he loved her at the last time. He has found streaming services for funerals and offered her family to organize it for all who wanted to say their final goodbyes. Think that it is the most suitable in your case


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## MattMatt

@TaylahBanning As you have posted in an older thread, it might be useful to make your own post.


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