# Hit it and Quit it



## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

This morning I broke off my nearly two year relationship after an evening of intimacy and passion.

When push comes to shove, there are several things I am going to be confident about. I broke it off in person. I did at a time when she does not have to see me remove my stuff, she is spending the weekend with her family for support and I made the right choice based on her laying blame on me instead of owning any of the challenges in our relationship.

I am struggling with if there is ever a good time to say goodbye and she seemed to be more angry about it than sad.

Just had to get this off my chest.

Happy holiday friends,
Stretch


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

There are better times and worse times, just never GOOD times to say goodbye. Anger is a defense mechanism. She may or may not move out of that to own her contribution. Sorry you had to do that but glad you were able to do it with conviction.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Well, seeing as how you broke it off after "an evening of intimacy and passion", I can see where she might have been getting mixed signals, thus some of the anger directed your way.

Perhaps she is feeling a bit used? People tend to feel closer and more secure after an evening of intimacy and passion, so your break-up the next morning may have been a harsh jolt and totally unexpected from her perspective.

Without more details into the specifics, it's hard to say.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm with happy. "Hit it and quit it" is a phrase I've only heard in respect to a ONS situation. Someone you have no emotional attachment to. To boink her brains out, let her feel like things are all good, and then "oh, btw... I won't be here when you get back" seems cruel after a two year relationship. 

But I'm going strictly off of the limited information you give in this post. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

There is no doubt that there is a level of cruelty in my choice of sequncing the events. I own that and for sure I expected it to be an issue in the conversation.

Unfortunately, there was no rational opportunity to discuss the reasons for me breaking it off. The underlying issue, which stems from her having kids and grandkids, and me being too low of a priority, secondary at times I felt, to even checking Facebook(I am not a Facebooker, not even an account) rather than quality affection and conversation was never going to be something she would even acknowledge.

While the hurt was predictably the first emotion and anger the tone of the short interaction, I was disappointed that all of our time together(which in general I thought was magical) was seen through the lens of 12 hours.

I cannot go back, but in retrospect, I am not sure anytime would have been less painful.

Thanks for your sincere helpful thoughts all,
Stretch


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

While I understand that no time is a "good time" to break it off, let me ask-did you know prior to your evening of intimacy and passion that you were going to break it off?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

PBear said:


> I'm with happy. "Hit it and quit it" is a phrase I've only heard in respect to a ONS situation. Someone you have no emotional attachment to. To boink her brains out, let her feel like things are all good, and then "oh, btw... I won't be here when you get back" seems cruel after a two year relationship.
> 
> But I'm going strictly off of the limited information you give in this post.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Seems messed up to me.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, you used her. I understand her anger.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Stretch said:


> There is no doubt that there is a level of cruelty in my choice of sequncing the events. I own that and for sure I expected it to be an issue in the conversation.
> 
> Unfortunately, there was no rational opportunity to discuss the reasons for me breaking it off. The underlying issue, which stems from her having kids and grandkids, and me being too low of a priority, secondary at times I felt, to even checking Facebook(I am not a Facebooker, not even an account) rather than quality affection and conversation was never going to be something she would even acknowledge.
> 
> ...



Indeed ... but the title is what seems a bit crass. You intended it to be, we know. Not sure what reaction you were going for here. Why post this at all?

I understand your reasons for leaving. It does not sound like she was screwing around.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Sorry to hear, Stretch. 

With that assessment of your relationship, you probably did the right thing breaking it off. Ending is never easy.

Do you have anything planned for the 4th to stay occupied?


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

It seems passive aggressive, to me. Both the break up and the post.

I could be reading it wrong, though.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Thanks for the posts. I deserve all the criticism, actually want it. I am not looking for approval or forgiveness, I have to answer to the man in the mirror. Clearly there is a significant amount of shame here for hurting a dear woman that I care for deeply but know that we would not overcome our challenges.

Many here will be forced to face similar situations, and while my initial motivation was to face the heartbreak by sharing, I think this is an opportunity for TAM'ers to think about facing unwanted situations from a person that has not had to do this type of thing in more than two decades. My specific actions aside.

Keep it coming,
Stretch


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

It's one thing to hurt someone because you have to make a decision based on what's right for you. It's another thing to "hit it and quit it" with someone you've been in a relationship. That's DELIBERATELY hurting someone more than you have to. It's like realizing you're going to hit rear-end someone while driving, and rather than hitting the brake, you deliberately hit the gas and speed up. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

I guess I "could" see it after 2 weeks, but two years? It does seem a little harsh. Was there a reason for the passion last night and the see ya today? Did you want her to know what she would be missing by putting you 2nd or 3rd behind her grandkids/family?


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

Stretch said:


> Unfortunately, there was no rational opportunity to discuss the reasons for me breaking it off. The underlying issue, which stems from her having kids and grandkids, and me being too low of a priority, secondary at times I felt, to even checking Facebook(I am not a Facebooker, not even an account) rather than quality affection and conversation was never going to be something she would even acknowledge.
> 
> While the hurt was predictably the first emotion and anger the tone of the short interaction, I was disappointed that all of our time together(which in general I thought was magical) was seen through the lens of 12 hours.
> 
> ...


Hey Stetch

It's OK..in fact, totally OK to express how YOU feel and share what you felt compelled to share with us on here in a safe environment in my book.

I actually hear you. I used to feel "secondary / on the bottom" of my ex's "to do list" and I used to tease him about that when we were still together. If you felt you were on the bottom of the list and you felt neglected and you were building up resentment as a result, then it's better to address that rather than not addressing. In my case, I kept ignoring the relationship red flag whilst he was investing his time and soul into other things / other people but not much in me over the years. What a total fool I really was...

I've known a good man whose partner is like your GF. She/ his partner is always away in Spain visiting her grand children for their birthdays and for other occasions whilst he's working tirelessly well past in his Seventies (nearly Eighties)..they don't share interests or hobbies. He is into countryside pursuits and she's into shopping in town. Once in a blue moon, they go to a local pub together but this is also very rare and he's always accepting. And that's his choice. 

2 years is a long enough to make you decide if you want to continue or not. Nowadays, they say about the need for a reassessment of one's relationship health every six month / every year or so..a little like car's MOT. Also, once we have reached at certain age (40s/50s), it is more and more unrealistic to think we are going to stay healthy and well indefinitely; we do not have an infinite amount of time left on earth. 

In my honest view, I think your GF has gone back to a single mode after the initial "I love you" "I'm nuts about you" stage had well gone past. She's simply gone back to what she enjoys in her single life and perhaps, she's even forgotten about your needs and are also perplexed by your reaction as she's quite content for herself. Shame but this happens all the time - one thinks that the relationship is going fine and the other is unhappy. 

Thanks for sharing.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

I really think you should have given her the option of a goodbye boink instead of doing the deed, THEN telling her you wanted to break up. 

Very passive aggressive on your part and shows a lack of integrity. While it sounds like things weren't working out, if you had any good times at all why deliberately hurt her? Not cool in my book.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

I have a hunch that Stretch & gf are patching things up already


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

EasyPartner said:


> I have a hunch that Stretch & gf are patching things up already


More than likely. :iagree:


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Thanks everyone for commenting. The perspectives are good lessons.

What is the appropriate time to wait after making love before saying goodbye? 

Does the length of time change if you still love that person as much as you ever have but your love for one another cannot overcome your challenges? Does that make it sex instead of making love?

How about if the goodbye was timed so that your partner could take advantage of a long family weekend for emotional support?

Just questionning some social norms,
Stretch


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Stretch said:


> What is the appropriate time to wait after making love before saying goodbye?
> 
> Does the length of time change if you still love that person as much as you ever have but your love for one another cannot overcome your challenges? Does that make it sex instead of making love?
> 
> How about if the goodbye was timed so that your partner could take advantage of a long family weekend


Personally, I would like the person to tell me (in a nice way) they've enjoyed the time we've spent together but don't see a future. Then, present me with option of being intimate one last time if I was interested. I would see that as a pleasurable closure to the relationship. Doing it AFTER the sex just seems so harsh and would have me feeling used. 

Admittedly, being divorced my perspective is skewed and I totally accept romantic relationships most likely have an expiration date. Others might feel differently. 

The long weekend is nice too but not necessary. No breaking up right before people's birthdays or Christmas though! That's beyond depressing. 

Appreciate the fact you are open to hearing others take on the situation. There's a saying for ending romantic/sexual entanglements: Leave them better than you found them.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Stretch said:


> Thanks everyone for commenting. The perspectives are good lessons.
> 
> What is the appropriate time to wait after making love before saying goodbye?
> 
> ...


I think you might be viewing this situation in the wrong order. For a lot of women, its not how long after sex can you properly end a relationship. If you know you are ending the relationship-then don't use the other person for sex before you have the courage to end the relationship. If you are ending it, then end it. Anything else smacks of an empty booty call


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