# Reconcile AND Expose?



## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Hi All,

I read lots of threads on here, often people discussing whether to reconcile with their partner, or to separate and expose.

I just wondered how many people have reconciled AND exposed, what impact the exposure had on the reconciliation, and whether you would expose again if you could go back in time?

I reconciled with my wife after her EA(s), but I did not 'expose' to family or anything- I just told 2 or 3 of my close friends.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

It's not either-or choice really. Exposure is normally necessary to kill the affair.

For what it worth, the situations where a couple has reconciled and WS was *not* exposed seem much less common.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Exposure should happen sooner rather than later. You can expose AND reconcile but like snap said it's normally needed to kill an affair.

All I can say is I've never heard of anyone regretting exposure and I've seen way more people say they wish they had exposed from the start but they didnt.

The longer you wait to do it the less effect it has IMO.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I wish I had exposed sooner then I did. I did not at first and the POS OM kept contacting her. When I exposed my wife was angry but it killed the A cold. My wife was in the fog and it shook her out of it pretty quick when people knew what happened.

We are still in MC and working through our R but looking back I should had done it on D Day and not wait Six painful months


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I exposed and I am in R. She totally understands.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I too, am in reconciliation and exposed. It's the only way. 

Exposure doesn't mean being a pr-ck, it means telling the truth about what happened to people in your family/inner circle. It is the only way to ensure that re-writing the marital history isn't done and that no lies can be told to minimize the sh-t called infidelity.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. She now knows she can always get away with these little affairs because she never has to fear exposure. What is wrong with this picture?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I exposed the POSOM to his wife 8 months into R. That was a HUGE mistake. Not because it negatively effected our R, not because my wife was still in a fog during this time; it was because it gave the POSOM every chance to brainwash his wife. And like Ron Burgandy on Anchorman who will read "anything" on a teleprompter, this woman will believe "anything" her husband tells her. Never mind that I sent her 4000 of his e-mail messages. She's a nut job with some sort of sick co-dependent fixation on my wife. Kept trying to be friends with her. I actually had to insist my wife go NC with her. I sure didn't see that one coming.

I agreed to delay the exposure until the end of the school year because my wife was setting up to retire after 25 years of teaching. She worked with the POSOM's wife - her best friend. I didn't want the possibility of her having my wife fired before her pension kicked in, but now I know I needn't have worried about that.

So by then, there was only two reasons I did it. Payback to the POSOM and to give my wife a further consequence. I don't regret exposing the POSOM, because in the process of doing it, it helped me release some of my demons. 

But I do regret delaying it. If I had found TAM back then, I would have gotten a plethora of 2x4's to the head and adjusted my thought process. But you know what, nobody's perfect. I just moved on.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

badmemory said:


> But I do regret delaying it. If I had found TAM back then, I would have gotten a plethora of 2x4's to the head and adjusted my thought process. But you know what, nobody's perfect. I just moved on.


Eh don't beat yourself up over that. Plenty of people find TAM right after D-Day and STILL don't follow the advice people give them. Only to say they wish they had weeks or months down the road. You can lead a horse to water...


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## SofaKingWeToddId (Feb 7, 2013)

Exposing really pulls their head out of their @ss.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

There can be no R as long as the cheating spouse is still engaged in an affair. Exposure helps kill the affair. So, many use exposure to kill the affair in order to render an attempt at R possible.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Exposure must be done whether divorcing or recovering, and never delayed, and never in dribs and drabs but all at once.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Thanks for your replies 

Interesting to hear everyones thoughts- it seems as though many people are very much in favour of exposing, no matter what you plan to do afterwards!

I so wish I had found this site in 2008..


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Bizzy, let me put it this way... I had two EAs. The first one, my husband didn't say a word to anyone. The second one ended as his was beginning. I discovered his as my fog was lifting. Before even learning of TAM, I exposed his...as well as my own.... to my family and a few close friends, including one woman from church. What would I do differently? If anything, I would advise him NOW, if he could go back in time, to expose the FIRST one.... and hopefully the second one wouldn't happen, nor would his. 

We are in R...almost a year now. So, yea, I am one who is all for exposure.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I R'd and didn't expose to family and friends, fortunately for me it worked out. Overall, I think exposure is a wiser course of action.

my exposure opinion

OMW or OWH- always
family and friends- most of the time
work- dependent on circumstances


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Thank goodness for this site, is all I can say.

It didn't help with my main issue in 2008 (because I didnt find it then), but has helped with other things since then. Plus I can see it helps many people to re-think their approach when such a devastating thing happens.

It's strange- we discuss, and take advice from complete strangers. 

Without it, some peoples lives could be completely different now..


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

*ALWAYS EXPOSE!!!*

The deeper the A goes, the more *medieval* you get on their asses.

Exposure is the water of reality that puts out the flames of fantasy.


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