# I can't stand it when......



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I just saw it written again and I can't stand reading the following:

I justified lying as protecting him from the pain of the truth.

I call bull on this because the statement is so self-serving. We all know the truth and the truth is that a cheating spouse does not lie to protect the betrayed spouse from the pain of the truth; rather it is because the cheating spouse does not wish to suffer any consequences from their actions. Am I wrong?


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Catch 22!!

For some they actually do want to save their BS any further pain and their short sighted eyes see lying as the answer to stem any further pain, and at that point they do not realize that it really is only once the full truth has been told that they are free from hurting their BS any further.

Others are more geared towards damage limitation.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

The WW and I had this discussion. We were talking about if the spouse or SO should always be told about an affair. My wife said no. So I asked her "wouldn't you want to know if I had cheated?" And she said no unless it was still going on but not if it was in the past. We've had a couple of discussions about this and I believe her. She had a PA 25 years ago and never told me, when I asked why she never ever told me she said she didn't want to hurt me since she had stopped it on her own and the OM had gone off and joined the Navy. 
She only told me about it on d-day last year, and only then because I asked and she didn't want to lie anymore. But she said she wouldn't have told me if I hadn't asked. She's been more than truthful since d-day so I believe her. Some people's minds are just wired different.


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## hackbornyu (Nov 2, 2013)

I believe her. She had a PA 25 years ago and never told me.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

bryanp said:


> rather it is because the cheating spouse does not wish to suffer any consequences from their actions. Am I wrong?


Of course you're not wrong. Who wants to make up their mind to get a little on the side, and than come home, confess it and get slammed. If you're going to do that, you wouldn't cheat in the first place. 
Folks that cheat don't say, " I'm going to jump so and so bones and go back and confess to my spouse."


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## Boogiemaster (Oct 11, 2012)

You will always get the husband or wife that would rather leave you than tell you the truth.

You will always get the ex boyfriend girlfriend that was better in the sack than you.

You will always get the toxic friend of your wife husband that will lead them astray.

You will always get the I want to protect them from pain in other words I did things with my lover I won't do with you.

They did things to me you could never do or you don't have the equipment I had before I met you.

And they wonder why the road to heaven is narrow and the road to hell is wide and keeps expanding.

There is enough pain in the world without this adultery bull sh it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> Of course you're not wrong. Who wants to make up their mind to get a little on the side, and than come home, confess it and get slammed. If you're going to do that, you wouldn't cheat in the first place.
> Folks that cheat don't say, " I'm going to jump so and so bones and go back and confess to my spouse."


But some do. Some are so consumed with guilty they just have to confess.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

HarryDoyle said:


> The WW and I had this discussion. We were talking about if the spouse or SO should always be told about an affair. My wife said no. So I asked her "wouldn't you want to know if I had cheated?" And she said no unless it was still going on but not if it was in the past. We've had a couple of discussions about this and I believe her. She had a PA 25 years ago and never told me, when I asked why she never ever told me she said she didn't want to hurt me since she had stopped it on her own and the OM had gone off and joined the Navy.
> She only told me about it on d-day last year, and only then because I asked and she didn't want to lie anymore. But she said she wouldn't have told me if I hadn't asked. She's been more than truthful since d-day so I believe her. *Some people's minds are just wired different.*


I guess so. But consider that in addition to sparing you pain her deceit (you can't call it anything else) allowed you to live with an illusion for 25 years. How can someone really respect their spouse if the spouse is not living in reality? To me that's what it's about: confessing these secrets shows respect for your spouse.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> But some do. Some are so consumed with guilty they just have to confess.


I don't cheat on my current wife. I've played so much in a former lifestyle that I have no desire for recreational sex and don't need to prove myself. If things got to the point where I wanted to cheat, (say she shut down toward me for no good reason) I wouldn't be consumed with guilt. I would have reconciled my decision long before.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

wranglerman said:


> Catch 22!!
> 
> For some they actually do want to save their BS any further pain and their short sighted eyes see lying as the answer to stem any further pain, and at that point they do not realize that it really is only once the full truth has been told that they are free from hurting their BS any further.
> 
> Others are more geared towards damage limitation.


I disagree with that. I believe there is some truth in what you say, but I believe it is still out of selfish reasons. I think the liar is afraid of the consequences of telling the truth more than wanting to spare any feelings. That could have been done by behaving better.


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## machaladoz (Nov 2, 2013)

She's been more than truthful since d-day so I believe her. Some people's minds are just wired different.


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

It probably depends on the person, but just my opinion, most are to avoid consequences. If the BS has the ol' gut feeling, he/she is tormented until the truth comes out anyway.

And...as a BS, I would want to know foremost for practical reasons, i.e. STDs.


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## hernpaqa (Nov 4, 2013)

I know in my situation I never felt like IPoH was fully open with me, and now I believe I know why. She couldn't be, she'd been lying by omission for years.


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