# In your ltr / marriage, do you and SO still have sex during a disagreement? (barring the disagreement is because one is cheating)



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Barring either spouse is a cheater, or liar, or obviously gaslighting,

Do you still have sex in the middle of disagreements or arguments?

Why yes, why no?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

No, because when I am in the middle of a disagreement or argument I don't feel like it.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Not here. My wife is a big advocate of the "sex begins in the kitchen" school of thought, and sexy time is hard to come by when the cutlery is flying.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

No because I can't get myself even remotely interested if I'm upset. I have to have the security that our relationship is well grounded with our differences solved.

She could care less and wants to get laid when she wants it and anger be damned! LoL!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

This is a tough topic so I'm earnestly trying to learn more about what may be the norm, or at least typical if there is such a thing.

The only thing I know so far is some do, some don't, through personal experience and friends (very good long term friends).


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

We mostly do, and even after a big row in just a few days will, in every case.

Afterwards the problems always seem easier to resolve or get past.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Personal said:


> No, because when I am in the middle of a disagreement or argument I don't feel like it.


But what if your SO feels like it?

(ducking a bit in advance 🙄🙄🙂🙂)


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> But what if your SO feels like it?


In my experience, what I "feel like" is completely irrelevant. My W NEVER "feels like it", she only does it out of some kind of "duty", so sex cannot, for us, be in the differential of times of disagreement. I never approach the subject, whether we are disagreeing, or agreeing.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> But what if your SO feels like it?


If I don't feel like having sex with someone and that includes my wife, I don't have sex with them.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Personal said:


> If I don't feel like having sex with someone and that includes my wife, I don't have sex with them.


I'm not saying you're wrong, or right, because if someone doesn't want to have sex obviously they shouldn't.

But what if she really, really wants too?
Would you acquiesce?

I mean, if you're both watching tv reruns, and she says honey can I do you, is there no circumstances you'd say ok?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

No, but since disagreements rarely last the day, there is rarely an interruption in sex. Being upset with each other is a far larger problem than anything else, so we are compelled to fix things ASAP.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Married but Happy said:


> No, but since disagreements rarely last the day, there is rarely an interruption in sex. Being upset with each other is a far larger problem than anything else, so we are compelled to fix things ASAP.


👍👍🙂🙂


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I don't think we've ever had sex while in the middle of an argument. I have no desire while pissed off or stressed. 

The only exception (which could be exclusion criteria) is when certain parts of her prior cheating comes up and I get pissed off enough, then I want to. In that situation the "angry sex" makes me feel better but it's not healthy and best avoided.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

bobert said:


> I don't think we've ever had sex while in the middle of an argument. I have no desire while pissed off or stressed.
> 
> The only exception (which could be exclusion criteria) is when certain parts of her prior cheating comes up and I get pissed off enough, then I want to. In that situation the "angry sex" makes me feel better but it's not healthy and best avoided.


Why is it not healthy and best avoided?

Yes there is an intellectual answer, and a less complicated answer, so with that said, still, why is it unhealthy and why avoid it?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Why is it not healthy and best avoided?
> 
> Yes there is an intellectual answer, and a less complicated answer, so with that said, still, why is it unhealthy and why avoid it?


I think the answer to that requires more thought than I'm capable of giving right now (13 day old baby at home, my brain is mush).


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

bobert said:


> I think the answer to that requires more thought than I'm capable of giving right now (13 day old baby at home, my brain is mush).


CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!

How exciting and special!!!! Hang in there!


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Congratulations! Kiss those fresh toes for me. 🤗



bobert said:


> I think the answer to that requires more thought than I'm capable of giving right now (13 day old baby at home, my brain is mush).


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I think a three year study would be required for me to answer this question. It would probably take that long for an argument to coincide with a sex opportunity. But speaking historically, I guress the answer is sometimes. Sometimes sex before the argument is resolved, or as the argument is resolved gives us both a reason to back down and solve the problem.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

We don't argue. But if i was upset, no I don't have sex because the feelings required to want sex isn't there.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

bobert said:


> I think the answer to that requires more thought than I'm capable of giving right now (13 day old baby at home, my brain is mush).


Holy smokes! Congratulations and hope all are healthy!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> We don't argue. But if i was upset, no I don't have sex because the feelings required to want sex isn't there.


I hear what you're saying and believe I know what you mean. 

You may be upset, but not at him? Because you don't argue?

Not trying to be smart aleck but truly understand what you mean.

Certainly there are non relationship things that can upset one or both, and that certainly can make sex something not at top of the list to dive into.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

We also rarely argue. We have hit landmines and on the occasion disagree, but we do it with at least some respect through the tears. So instead of thinking "arguing" I'm going to modify to "emotionally charged"...like if both of us are hurt. 

See, in the middle of an argument, I feel upset, off-balance, and a little unsafe so I don't feel like making love in that moment. I don't think I'd deny, but I'm not there mentally, and if I'm not in that place mentally then I don't/can't enjoy it nearly as much. In fact, it would come close to feeling "used." 

ON THE OTHER HAND, if we are discussing something emotionally charged, speaking only for myself, I often feel a little insecure and the idea of making love then is not impossible. It's kind of reassuring. And what I find works fairly well for me is if we stop the emotionally charged talking (like... reach a bit of an agreement), give it a little time to just settle, and then make love that night. It's almost like a way of saying "I still love you and still want to be close to you." 

That's just me...


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

I would always have sex even when I was annoyed, because if I was still willing to BE with him and love him, then there was always a part of me that still wanted to connect with him sexually - because for ME, I don't feel emotionally connected unless I have sex (which I know is the opposite of alot of people) -- plus, my body still always wanted to have sex...Lol!!

After sex, alot of the time, I wouldn't be angry anymore...it was like the good feelings that come from sexual connection helped me see the other stuff wasn't a big deal! (because it WASN'T)

I highly recommend sex for solving relationship conflicts...Lol!!!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

LisaDiane said:


> I would always have sex even when I was annoyed, because if I was still willing to BE with him and love him, then there was always a part of me that still wanted to connect with him sexually - because for ME, I don't feel emotionally connected unless I have sex (which I know is the opposite of alot of people) -- plus, my body still always wanted to have sex...Lol!!
> 
> After sex, alot of the time, I wouldn't be angry anymore...it was like the good feelings that come from sexual connection helped me see the other stuff wasn't a big deal! (because it WASN'T)
> 
> I highly recommend sex for solving relationship conflicts...Lol!!!


See? I couldn't have said it better myself!
❤❤❤🙂🙂🙂


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

minimalME said:


> Congratulations! Kiss those fresh toes for me. 🤗


Off Topic...I hope you keep the twinkly lights in your signature until New Year's Day!!!


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Oh, definitely! 🤗



LisaDiane said:


> Off Topic...I hope you keep the twinkly lights in your signature until New Year's Day!!!


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

In our relationship, as long as open communication is happening and we are trying to be understanding, then yes sex is on the table. And usually happens, because if we are disagreeing on something it going to be about sex. Yes, sexual intimacy is a good way to end problems related to sexual intimacy.

If we have reached a point were communication has stalled; I don't think either one of us is thinking about doing it.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Sex during an argument - no

Most arguments in my house involve me being a horrible listener and miscommunications which as a result leave my wife feeling like I don't care about whatever has her concerned. So foreplay in my house is all about me sitting down and listening (and comprehending) everything about her day to undo all the damage that I did by being a bad listener. 

There is a joke that the female version of viagra (once actually invented) will be a pill the husbands take to help them become a better listener!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

badsanta said:


> Sex during an argument - no
> 
> Most arguments in my house involve me being a horrible listener and miscommunications which as a result leave my wife feeling like I don't care about whatever has her concerned. So foreplay in my house is all about me sitting down and listening (and comprehending) everything about her day to undo all the damage that I did by being a bad listener.
> 
> There is a joke that the female version of viagra (once actually invented) will be a pill the husbands take to help them become a better listener!


Durn.

Is there a written test after the sit-down?

😂😂😂


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Durn.
> 
> Is there a written test after the sit-down?
> 
> 😂😂😂


My wife and I do quiz each other to try and reinforce what we have learned after resolving an argument. 

ME = If I am in a bad mood, just give me a hug!

WIFE = If she is in a bad mood, do not ask her for a hug!

Somehow we make that work!


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Interesting question. We don't often have big arguments usually we work it out and squash it fairly quickly. But this is the pattern that exists in the event of a disagreement that spills over. If she was in the wrong she will want to have sex to squash the argument before she has to admit she was wrong. If I am in the wrong I usually admit I was wrong and then she wants to have sex because me admitting I was wrong turns her on. For me, I compartmentalize emotions automatically so I can go from being pissed off at something, toss it in a box for later and comeback to it if need be.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

badsanta said:


> My wife and I do quiz each other to try and reinforce what we have learned after resolving an argument.
> 
> ME = If I am in a bad mood, just give me a hug!
> 
> ...


That's what matters. Everyone has their own pattern, and successes are great to hear. Outstanding!👍👍


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Hell no. My juices are not flowing during that time.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

We don’t argue much but a good hard f-ing seems to cure most issues for both of us. I do admit though to being bad about holding a grudge.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Interesting question. We don't often have big arguments usually we work it out and squash it fairly quickly. But this is the pattern that exists in the event of a disagreement that spills over. If she was in the wrong she will want to have sex to squash the argument before she has to admit she was wrong. If I am in the wrong I usually admit I was wrong and then she wants to have sex because me admitting I was wrong turns her on. For me, I compartmentalize emotions automatically so I can go from being pissed off at something, toss it in a box for later and comeback to it if need be.


When my boyfriend tells me he’s wrong i always say... say it again? (In a sexy voice). And he’s like I’m wrong. And I’m like oh baby again! 

I’m always joking about it being a turn on. But I find it a silly way to laugh and get past it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Girl_power said:


> When my boyfriend tells me he’s wrong i always say... say it again? (In a sexy voice). And he’s like I’m wrong. And I’m like oh baby again!
> 
> I’m always joking about it being a turn on. But I find it a silly way to laugh and get past it.


Hmm.. interesting Girl_power aphrodisiac...
.😁


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Barring either spouse is a cheater, or liar, or obviously gaslighting,
> 
> Do you still have sex in the middle of disagreements or arguments?
> 
> Why yes, why no?


Do you actually mean in the middle or do you mean towards the end?

I can't imagine stopping an argument to have sex and then restarting it afterwards.

What goes on with us is that touch and tenderness, sometimes leading to sex but sometimes not, is a way for the calmer one to reconnect and sooth the more agitated one. The calmer one of us pulls down their shield and becomes vulnerable and approaches the amped up one and works to lower their shield. This then becomes a resolution phase of that particular argument.

We've never actually had multi-day arguments where sex could happen during breaks. The closest would be iterative arguments. Deal with stage one, resolve and move closer to each other. Next up, deal with stage two of the argument, resolve and move closer. 

I think it could be hot though to look at your partner while in the heat of battle and get super-horny and fall to the floor and screw each other, but I can't imagine this actually working in real life.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I remember a similar discussion a while ago and I attempted to have angry sex to see if I even could but I don't remember the outcome.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

ConanHub said:


> I remember a similar discussion a while ago and I attempted to have angry sex to see if I even could but I don't remember the outcome.


You "don't remember" the outcome...??

Oh...I could make SO many jokes about you for that statement...Lol!!!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

LisaDiane said:


> You "don't remember" the outcome...??
> 
> Oh...I could make SO many jokes about you for that statement...Lol!!!


You dirty minded brat! LoL!


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

ConanHub said:


> You dirty minded brat! LoL!


Lol!!! Who said they are dirty...?? Some of them might be about you losing your memory with age...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

LisaDiane said:


> Lol!!! Who said they are dirty...?? Some of them might be about you losing your memory with age...


My memory is becoming more like Swiss cheese every day. Better with age and full of holes maybe?😎


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Barring either spouse is a cheater, or liar, or obviously gaslighting,
> 
> Do you still have sex in the middle of disagreements or arguments?
> 
> Why yes, why no?





ConanHub said:


> No because I can't get myself even remotely interested if I'm upset. I have to have the security that our relationship is well grounded with our differences solved.
> 
> She could care less and wants to get laid when she wants it and anger be damned! LoL!


Seems like it's usually the other way around, doesn't it?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> But what if your SO feels like it?
> 
> (ducking a bit in advance 🙄🙄🙂🙂)


Well, like my old boss used to tell me, you can s**t in one hand and want in the other and see which fills up first.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I'm not saying you're wrong, or right, because if someone doesn't want to have sex obviously they shouldn't.
> 
> But what if she really, really wants too?
> Would you acquiesce?
> ...


Well, I mean if she's using her wiles on you to the point you've forgotten what you're mad at her about...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If I was really wanted him to concede an argument, I might just be sinister enough to get him in a position where it would be hard for him to want to say no.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> If I was really wanted him to concede an argument, I might just be sinister enough to get him in a position where it would be hard for him to want to say no.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I hear what you're saying and believe I know what you mean.
> 
> You may be upset, but not at him? Because you don't argue?
> 
> ...


No I truly mean we don't argue and no we don't really get upset at each other we live in peace and love each other. So sex is not impacted. But if I were upset with each other I wouldn't have sex with him. But I can say that since I don't get upset with him nor he I we don't refuse sex like that. I can only imagine as That is simply not our relationship.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

We don't really argue that much, but when I'm mad I like to be alone until I cool down. Sex is the last thing on my mind.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I'm not saying you're wrong, or right, because if someone doesn't want to have sex obviously they shouldn't.
> 
> But what if she really, really wants too?
> Would you acquiesce?


Not if we're in the middle of an argument or disagreement.



> I mean, if you're both watching tv reruns, and she says honey can I do you, is there no circumstances you'd say ok?


I share a lot of sex with my wife and we don't often have arguments or disagreements. That said I sometimes turn my wife down when she wants sex, as she sometimes turns me down.

If one of us doesn't want sex, we don't share sex with each other, it's that simple. We don't do duty sex, since our sex life is far better than settling for that kind of crud.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Personal said:


> Not if we're in the middle of an argument or disagreement.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Absolutely fantastic approach ime, same for our M, too.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Lance Mannion said:


>


I LOVE this!!! He is SOOOO funny!!!!!!

"Stay in the pocket of the argument"..."rub one out like a man"...Lolol!!!! GREAT bit!!!!!


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Lance Mannion said:


>


My boyfriend does this. When he is wrong, he brings something else up that is irrelevant. I don’t fall for it though lol after being married to a narcissist I know when they try to distract from the real issue.


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