# Thinking about it..



## texasgirly (Nov 8, 2010)

I just joined this forum after browsing it for a few days.. so this is my first post. Sorry it may be kinda long!

Hubby and I have been married for almost 4 years, and we're 5 years apart in age, no kids. I was 18 when we got married and had never been with another man. Sure, I had messed around but never had intercourse. He had been with other women before me. I never thought of this to be an issue til now. 

We have been through a lot with our families and financial problems (a whole different story lol) and we've made it through all of that, yet our sex life has been a roller coaster ride from you know where. It was new and exciting at first then it took a turn and for the past year or two, it's been mediocre at best. He isn't into trying new things (toys, watching porn together, new positions) and he isn't into oral sex (he doesn't mind recieving but doesn't like to give). 

I decided to go to college since other jobs I held did not work out. He graduated from school and is successful in his own job, and doesn't mind supporting me. Anyway, I started getting attention from guys and while it was flattering and I flirted back some, it made me realize that my own husband doesn't say these things to me or make me feel beautiful. I tried talking to him about it, beating it into his head, but nothing changed. At one point we both admitted to each other we had thought about sex with other people! I finally realized I can't change him, and so I kinda gave up trying to tell him how I felt with it.

All of that leads me to now. I love my husband, this isn't the issue. I just have physical needs that he doesn't want to or won't try to fufill. I do not want to be labeled as a cheater nor do I want to betray him.. but I just don't know what to do.

I'm not looking to get bullied or critized, I just want advice.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

He is crazy. You look like a beautiful young woman who has needs that he is not willing to meet. Don't kid yourself, you will eventually find a man who is willing to meet those needs especially if you continue flirting. Eventually, an EA will turn into a PA, it is just a matter of time. 

You have to be honest with your husband about your feelings. Believe me, your marriage depends on it. Tell him what you think and feel, about your needs and how he is not meeting them. Maybe, if you both want to experiment, you both decide you want an open marriage, or you decide to swing with others in order to spice up your relationship. It usually ends up ruining the relationship, but hey whatever works...different strokes for different folks. 

Just be honest and ask him to be honest back. Leave nothing off the table. If you want this marriage to work, it is an absolute must that you both clear the air.


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## texasgirly (Nov 8, 2010)

Thanks for replying 

I have tried to approach the subject before of what to do. Even suggested marriage counseling for our sex life but he found something wrong with every suggestion I've made. The issue just gets swept under the rug. He did say that if I ever cheated on him it'd be over, no questions asked. That itself is what keeps me from straying.. but it's so hard when I have men in my face everyday that I know are interested, and I'm not gonna lie, I am curious.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

How much urgency did you create when you told him? You need him to understand that this is a make or break thing for you. You will stray unless you enjoy being unsatisfied the rest of your life. Make it clear that this is VERY serious and don't let him brush it aside.


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## texasgirly (Nov 8, 2010)

We've had several late night talks about it and I tried so hard to reiterate that things were routine and we needed some spice. Things would be good for a week or so, then they'd slack off. Now I just get bored with it and do it purely for him. I don't even try to get mine anymore.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

And how long will that last for you? Honestly, if he is unwilling to put forth any effort to save the marriage, you have to wonder how much he actually cares. If he loves you, he should care about your sexual satisfaction. 

It sounds to me like you have kind of checked out already but you are afraid to take the next step, which is leaving. I would recommend leaving first versus having an affair. You will find that it does you no good, mentally and spiritually, to lie and cheat. Just my two cents.


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## cowboyfan (Nov 15, 2009)

I agree with Corkey, if you're feeling that strongly towards cheating on him in any way, you need to either leave him or make sure he thoroughly understands what you're feeling to give the two of you a fighting chance. You'll likely regret your actions afterwards if you don't, and if you confront him and he doesn't respond the way you need at least at that point you know you've done what you can.


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## Day2Day (Nov 8, 2010)

Texasgirly, I really wish I was more like you. I was in your exact position...my man was not meeting my needs at all, he liked getting oral sex but wouldn't give, etc. Instead of thinking before reacting like you are, I reacted badly...I cheated. It was the worst mistake of my entire life and has ruined everything. PLEASE don't do this...to him or yourself. Trust me, it will not only hurt him, but you too...I know because I die a little more each day.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Day2Day said:


> Texasgirly, I really wish I was more like you. I was in your exact position...my man was not meeting my needs at all, he liked getting oral sex but wouldn't give, etc. Instead of thinking before reacting like you are, I reacted badly...I cheated. It was the worst mistake of my entire life and has ruined everything. PLEASE don't do this...to him or yourself. Trust me, it will not only hurt him, but you too...I know because I die a little more each day.


:iagree:
I was there, too. I also tried to talk it out with W on many occasions.
It turned out that I wasn't exactly prince Charming myself, but W was afraid to bring that up for fear of losing me altogether.
When we both went looking elsewhere for the affection and excitement that we wanted, it all came out.
Cheating was the worst thing that we could have done to each other, but thankfully it ended up bringing us together.
I do not recommend this choice of fixing your relationship. It is just too hard, too gut wrenching.


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## Day2Day (Nov 8, 2010)

DanF said:


> :iagree:
> I was there, too. I also tried to talk it out with W on many occasions.
> It turned out that I wasn't exactly prince Charming myself, but W was afraid to bring that up for fear of losing me altogether.
> When we both went looking elsewhere for the affection and excitement that we wanted, it all came out.
> ...


To be honest, I think if he cheated on me now, I'd feel so much better. Not only do I deserve it after cheating on him, but I think it would make it easier on us both. Sometimes revenge is a good thing.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Revenge is never a good thing.

He will not change until he wants to change, beleive me, I was the same way and after years of my wifes cheating I decided to make that change. We now have a much healthier marriage.

So many years ago, there is one thing I wish my wife did, and that is leave me. The weird thing is she did, I just didn't realize it. She was always gone. 

Any way you have your reasons for staying, and it is a matter of time before some vampire sweeps you away when you are at your weakest (in your marriage) and your husband won't have a clue, until one day you stop coming home at night. I feel sorry for him, he has no idea what is ahead of him if HE doesn't change. 

Good luck from the guy thats been there and don't be that women, leave honorably.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Make your point clear as day don't have an affair it just causes issues. Is there anything you can change in your behavior so maybe he will figure out you are serious. Maybe a shake up like not coming home but staying at ....do you have a sister's house. If you make him wonder he might figure it out. Wish I were him dealing with your request rather than my wifes affair, evolved from lack of communication.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

"Honey, we need to talk. I've been feeling so sexually frustrated that I've even given serious thought to having an affair. While I know it's wrong, we really need for things to change."

1) Have you initiated dirty talk during sex? He may feel uncomfortable but you can do it. "I've been a bad girl today. While you were at work, I invited "X" over. HER and I started to kiss and the next thing you know, we were rubbing our "V's".....

2) Have you gone to a swingers club? NOT to swap, but to watch. It can be highly arousing.

3) Ok, so he's not into toys, but why wouldn't you pull out a Pocket Rocket while he's watching tv and go to town on yourself. If this doesn't turn him on, there's more wrong than anyone can imagine. Either way, you'll have your orgasm!

4) How about reading sexy fantacy stories to him in bed. You can buy Penthouse Forum style magazines or download the stuff from the internet. Do a Google search for "sex stories".

5) Rent the porn stuff and put it on whether he wants to watch or not! Pick a good movie and ask for advise.

6) Be creative. Anything is better than an affair. My wife's has forever changed our marriage. We can never have "fidelity" back and it poisons my mind often. It's like a cancer that doesn't ever go away. Doesn't matter how much councelling and help.

Goodluck


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