# kids vs husband



## lucy007 (Dec 28, 2008)

I need to get some advice regarding my hubby and my son. My son is a teenage boy who is pushing the limit on everyone. My husband is a step dad, and I am trying hard to keep him out of the drama, but he seems to end up in it just about every time. My son has gone from one extreme to the next, punching holes in the wall, swearing, following me around the house, and so on ...... Please don't state the obvious, my son needs help, I know this. I have taken him to speak with someone, but he walks out, he's 15 and I CAN'T make him sit and talk. I have had to call the police before, and that seems to have stopped the hole punching, however; sometimes he still acts out, and it is putting major stress on my marriage.

My hubby and I have had a really rough year, dealing with my teenage son, we had a baby in January, he has lost his job, I was trying to start a new career but had to go back to my old job once he lost his, we don't spend a lot of time together (otherwise we'll argue) this whole situationwith my hubby and son hating each other is reallly just the icing on the cake.

Tonight my son and husband were arguing about something trivial, next thing I know my son calls my hubby a name, and my hubby is shoving and chasing my son, pushing him down, basically attacking him. 

I am so sick of being in the middle!! I have told them both that this has got to stop! My son needs to be respectful, and my hubby needs to act like an adult, and be supportive instead of acting like a kid.

I love both of them very much, but I am sick and tired of being in the middle. They hate each other. I've tried to find a common element, in fact I bought my son a dirt bike to go out with my hubby. My hubby wouldn't take him out. I have tried just about everything I can think of, and nothing seems to work. I am soooo lost. I need to ensure that my children have a safe environment, however; between my son's rage, and my husbands response I am at a lose.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Several things here.

Where is the boy's real father?
What is the source of the boy's rage?
Did it start when the baby was coming?
Is there drugs or booze involved with either the kid or your H?

Why can't your H be an adult and mature despite the biy's rage?

I recommend family counseling. do they offer any through your job?

Oh, and your h has to find someo kind of job as soon as possible.


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## oties101 (Dec 24, 2008)

Your husband is abusive, and if I were your son, I'd be acting out too. How can you blame your son for hating him? I highly doubt this is the first instance of abuse. 

I don't know if there's any advice I can give about the husband, other than that he needs just as much help as your son does. I agree with michzz, your husband should at least be actively looking for a job. 

Your son, on the other hand, is probably suffering from what every boy of his age does, hormone fluctuations and high school create familial tension in every case. However, his is probably intensified by the fact that he doesn't have a male role model that he looks up too, and that he's probably feeling like old hat in the 'new and exciting' family you and your husband have together. I don't mean that negatively, I mean that in the sense that he might feel left out, especially with a new baby in the house on top of a newish husband.


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

your son isn't 18 yet so you can make him sit down w/ someone. like the other poster said, family counciling. your hubby needs to stop being so physical and get a job, any job these days. if counciling doesn't work for them, then there's boot camp for your son and anger management for your hubby. i know that's extreme, but if nothing else works....... good luck


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

lucy007 said:


> I need to get some advice regarding my hubby and my son. My son is a teenage boy who is pushing the limit on everyone. My husband is a step dad, and I am trying hard to keep him out of the drama, but he seems to end up in it just about every time. My son has gone from one extreme to the next, punching holes in the wall, swearing, following me around the house, and so on ...... Please don't state the obvious, my son needs help, I know this. I have taken him to speak with someone, but he walks out, he's 15 and I CAN'T make him sit and talk. I have had to call the police before, and that seems to have stopped the hole punching, however; sometimes he still acts out, and it is putting major stress on my marriage.
> 
> My hubby and I have had a really rough year, dealing with my teenage son, we had a baby in January, he has lost his job, I was trying to start a new career but had to go back to my old job once he lost his, we don't spend a lot of time together (otherwise we'll argue) this whole situationwith my hubby and son hating each other is reallly just the icing on the cake.
> 
> ...


Hi,

My eldest (now 18 and off to college) had very similar issues with anger/rage, to the point where my husband (his step-dad) was ready to bail out (I also have 2 younger kids, all with my first husband) None of us were happy and I felt very helpless in this situation. My husband and I are non-violent but there were many times where my son would shove/hit me in his anger and my husband would step in to pull him off. I did set up counseling and you are right, even if you get them to go, they don't have to talk. But, if you can get him in the door, he may eventually open up. I bribed my son in a way...after his session I would take him out to dinner and he enjoyed dinner out with mom.

I know it's the worst feeling in the world having to call the police on your son, but that is the right course of action and it did seem to make him think twice. I think what had the most impact for me was to stop trying to keep the peace and walk around on eggshells. Instead, I had a heart to heart with my husband and really listened to how horrible he was feeling in the situation. I told him I thought we needed to take a stand together and I needed to step up and regain control of our home. Was your husband's pushing/shoving an isolated incident? I understand he must be at his wits end, but that has to stop immediately--it will definitely make things worse all the way around and may cause him legal issues of his own.

Basically, I told my son if there was any violence, I will call the police and if he continues to do as he pleases without regard for anyone else in the house and continues to disrespect my husband and I, that he should have a plan of where he will live when he turns 18. The biggest difference was with my marriage, because my husband and I both felt more in control of the situation. My son continued being disrespectful, and when he turned 18 his dad reluctantly agreed to take him in, so he is living there now, working full-time and going to college full-time...no free ride living there and it's probably good for him to see.

He is learning the hard way that freedom requires a lot of responsibility. He has been very sweet and respectful when he visits and every conversation ends with 'i love you' so I am grateful. I am still very worried he has not dealt with the cause of his rage/anger but am hopeful he will continue on this good path and realize we all want what's best for him.

I wish you the best with your situation and believe me, I know how difficult it is. I hope you are able to reach out to your husband and become a parenting team...he needs to know he is the man of the house and although discipline should fall under you being the birth parent, your husband probably needs to feel he is not at the mercy of your son's moods.


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## cressfromhell (Nov 19, 2008)

How long have you and Hubby been together? I know when I was that age, my father and mother divorced and I was quite a handful myself.


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## lucy007 (Dec 28, 2008)

Holiday's have been busy, but here is some more info .........

Answer to chessfrom hell ..........
My husband and I have been together for about 5 years, living together for 4.

Answer's to Michzz questions

Where is the boy's real father?
_He doesn't want anything to do with my son, and my son doesn't want to see him either, my ex is a jerk_

What is the source of the boy's rage?
_bad feelings from the way his dad treated him after the split, hormones, he doesn't know how to properly deal with anger, outside influence (school)_

Did it start when the baby was coming?
_NO!! he loves his sister, and I make sure he feels 100% involved_

Is there drugs or booze involved with either the kid or your H?
_not my son, he tried it and was VERY sick, he hasn't touched it since_


I do agree with a lot of what everyone is saying. I should try and see if my son will talk to someone other then a doctor. He wont open up to a doctor. In fact he wont even stay in the office. Perhaps I should try a family friend. If I get the school involved they seem to want to call CAS for everything, and I don't need to have my family ripped apart any more then what it is.

I am just sooo tired of life right now. This thing with my son is just the last straw. I have gone through so many other issues with my husband the past few years, and I feel like I need a vacation away from my family. If you have any other advice on I would appreciate it.


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