# How do people who have been married for years view younger/new marriages?



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Out of curiosity. Some of the people I've spoken to in person around my parents ages or who've been married years, have a tendency to look down their noses at me when I tell them that I am married or talk about my husband or even other new/young couples. Like they don't expect us to last. Sort of give a "kids these days" attitude. Is it normal to think that way or is it really only the fact that people getting married nowadays don't know what they are doing?

And this isn't a post to attack anyone. Just a discussion.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

What do you mean they look down? Are you especially young? Are those people divorced? I think I would get that reaction if I ever said I don't want to get married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are the two of you?

How old are your parents?

Some people, as they age, just get judgemental of younger people. They forget all the things they did and come to think that they were wiser at the same age. Just ignore people who do this.

My take on it is that young people today have a harder time in keeping a marriage together because of the way our society is. There is so much that encourages divorce and so little to encourage a good marriage. The statistics are not good for women who marry younger than 25 and men who marry younger than 30. The divorce rate in those age ranges is at about 50%. In the end your marriage will be as good as the effort you two put into your marriage.

Since you are here, it looks like you are searching for things that will make your marriage last. That's a very good sign.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

When I say that I mean they make comments asking me why, and if I was sure that I made the right choice, or if I had some ulterior motive to get married besides loving him....etc. I'm going on 25...some think that is especially young, some do not. Also depends on the type of marriage they had. Some were divorced, others weren't. It does also depend on their situation....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SepticChange said:


> When I say that I mean they make comments asking me why, and if I was sure that I made the right choice, or if I had some ulterior motive to get married besides loving him....etc. I'm going on 25...some think that is especially young, some do not. Also depends on the type of marriage they had. Some were divorced, others weren't. It does also depend on their situation....


How long have you been married?

Only listen to those who give you good advice and support. Just get a flip answer that you give to the rest.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

I've been married for 20 months. I'm not worried about people's opinions if they do not know me. Those only know what you tell them and give a different opinion. My co worker has been married for 30 years and spoke of his niece who just graduated college at 21 and is engaged. Whenever he talks about her it's just "she doesn't know what she's getting into. She's making a mistake." Ironic because when he first married he was 19. I don't get it sometimes...but yes, I see that today's generation is different. But is it really that different?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think those of us who are older and who married young perhaps feel that when you marry young, you have little or no life experience to help you along the way. Marriage is hard. 

Plus, as we age we feel we acquire wisdom and hope others learn from our mistakes (they don't). That could be playing into it also.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Openminded, so if you could do it all over again would you still marry young?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

SepticChange said:


> Openminded, so if you could do it all over again would you still marry young?


Absolutely not.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Me neither, on the marrying young!

But hopefully, SimplyAmorous will come by and give her opinion on that.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Whe


> n I say that I mean they make comments asking me why, and if I was sure that I made the right choice, or if I had some ulterior motive to get married besides loving him....etc. I'm going on 25...some think that is especially young, some do not. Also depends on the type of marriage they had. Some were divorced, others weren't. It does also depend on their situation....


*IMO asking questions to put doubt into your mind or to show they do not think you are competent is almost worthless and does not do any good*. . You are an adult and you made your choices and you are the one that is going to live with those choices, good or bad, not them. I would say that those that really are wise and want to help you would either give you positive advice on how to make a marriage work or keep their thoughts to themselves unless it really is contructive critisism.




> I've been married for 20 months. I'm not worried about people's opinions if they do not know me. Those only know what you tell them and give a different opinion. My co worker has been married for 30 years and spoke of his niece who just graduated college at 21 and is engaged. Whenever he talks about her it's just "she doesn't know what she's getting into. She's making a mistake." Ironic because when he first married he was 19. I don't get it sometimes...but yes, I see that today's generation is different. But is it really that different?


*just "she doesn't know what she's getting into. She's making a mistake."*

Nobody at 25 knows what they are getting into in marriage. As a matter of fact my brother got married at 60 after his first wife died and he did not know what he was getting into either. He will tell you than now. People are very complicated and it is almost imposble to know what is going to happen in a marriage in 10-20-30 years from now.

Being single or being married has its advantages and disadvantages; neither one is the ideal for most people. *Actually being content in marriage or as a single depends a lot on you*. If you continue to grow and make the best of your situations your chances of having a good life are very good. If you expect someone else to make your life good then you will often be very disappointed.

I got married at 20 and we have been married for over 40 years. Here is what has helped us make a success of our marriage

1	Our personalities fit

2	We share a culture and our youth together

3	When the chips are down we have each other’s best interest at heart. We genuinely care for each other

4	We learned that some of today’s pop culture sucks

5	The old values of sacrifice, forgiveness and dedication are great for success

6	Often we do what we do not what to do so that we can do what we do want to do.

7	Demand respect and accountability when it is needed

8	Take the long view; do not jump at the quick excitement or easy way out if it is detrimental to the long view.

9	A shared faith is very important

10	Do unto others as you would have them do unto you

*The above will give you a very good chance at having a very good and successful marrriage if BOTH partners apply them.*
Do the above and you can ignore the wide sweeping general negative statements from other people that are usually based on their own failures in life.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yes. It's really that different these days.

19 thirty years ago is like the 26 of today.

My grandparents got married at 18 and 19 and dang! had a new house, new car, new baby on the way....wtf. 

I don't know many 18 year olds in good careers with a house, car and family...and looking OLD. My family's pics crack me up. "Gramps, how old were you here?" ----"21" Omg he looked 40.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

They may be thinking of themselves at your age and wishing that they knew then what they know now.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I married at 25 and I'm IN LOVE with my husband of 21 years. Absolutely ADORE him!!!!

I'd like to say if I could go back and do it over I would wait but who am I kidding? I'd marry him all over again. 

I am with lovesherman though I do wish I knew then what I know now.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Those who say they would wait....wait for what exactly? Nowadays it's mainly about getting done with college and getting all the partying out of their system. I was never a partier and yes, I'm still in college but wait for what, I wonder?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

SepticChange said:


> Those who say they would wait....wait for what exactly? Nowadays it's mainly about getting done with college and getting all the partying out of their system. I was never a partier and yes, I'm still in college but wait for what, I wonder?


Wait to grow up a bit more. I changed A LOT from age 25 - 30. What I wanted at 25 was completely different from what I wanted at age 30.

Ducking my head here but if I could go back I probably wouldn't marry my husband. Yes I love him, yes we've managed to work things out BUT he's not the best match for me. I've had to do a complete overhaul to make this work and that ain't easy.

I ADORE him but we have some fundamental differences that I didn't see at age 25 but I saw by age 30.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Wait until they know who they are, what they want out of life, and what sort of person is compatible with them, not just how can I get the most attractive person to sleep with me.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

SO TRUE. 

Which is what has happened with my husband.

He was 25 when we married. 30 now.

If I wasn't sane, I'd think he was having a Mid Life Crisis at 30...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm probably still in love with my husband (under all this sadness and anger)...

But...doesn't matter.

Meh.

Would I marry him again? Not knowing what I know now about his lies. But if I was ignorant to it all? Yea. I would.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I married before my career got going not realizing how much that was going to change me (and him). Then he later changed careers at close to 30 and I so did NOT sign up to be a cops wife. I would NOT have married a cop. Good grief this lifestyle is tougher than anything I could have ever imagined.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I'll admit I get pretty judgey when I meet a really young married couple but I would never verbalize it. My daughter is going to be 18 in 2 months and there is no way she would be ready for marriage in next 4 to 5 years. She has so much more mental and emotional growth ahead of her.

I was once handling an escrow for a very young couple that just got married. They were both 18 years old and they were buying a condo. The wife starts signing the loan documents and she ends EVERY signature with a kittycat face. 50+ pieces of paper with that kittycat face. If you are still signing your name with a kittycat face you have no business being married.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Soccermom that's hysterical!!


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Thanks for your input, all.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

HEY NOW! 

I put a heart over my i.

lmao.

I don't.

Well not EVERY time.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Me neither, on the marrying young!
> 
> But hopefully, SimplyAmorous will come by and give her opinion on that.


it's Saturday night, SA and her hubby are burning up the sheets. Tomorrow is Easter, SA and her kids will be busy all day. We'll probably see her Monday!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

SepticChange said:


> Those who say they would wait....wait for what exactly? Nowadays it's mainly about getting done with college and getting all the partying out of their system. I was never a partier and yes, I'm still in college but wait for what, I wonder?


The simple answer is to grow up. You may think you are grown up now (I certainly did when I was your age because I had a child at that point) but the reality is you change over time as you gain life experience. And your spouse changes as well. You may not change together and if you don't that can be a big problem. You grow apart instead of growing together. It's a greater risk when you marry as young as I did.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

This is a difficult question for me, because I personally LOVE to see *YOUNG LOVE* ...it seems very rare today....

I am not one who feels if you marry young







.... you are automatically making a mistake...this all depends on the *maturity level* of the couple in question... their values, how they handle communication...their work ethic....how they handle $$... if they KNOW themselves, what they want out of life, if they are compatible... 

I've been with my husband since I was 15 -married early 20's.....we weren't the partying type...we saved our money faithfully, worked hard, was never late on a bill... paid for our own wedding & had our 1st child 1 yr after we walked down the aisle.... I remember thinking he was so darn easy to take care of, I just wanted to have a few more!









I wouldn't judge a couple by age, I would only judge them by their MATURITY...in how they handle their lives...this would even be evident in late high school.... if they are still partying, staying out late at the bars, living on credit cards....need Mom & Dad to help them do everything....can't meet the mortgage, can't keep their house clean, need help with 1 baby...I wouldn't think they were ready.... but then again, some are still like this in their 30's... so it's purely an individual thing. 

Generalizations on ALL the young would just be wrong.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Is there a set time that we stop growing and changing? I've come across some pretty immature 40-somethings (some of them being one of my husband's good friends and his wife). I always tell myself it's the person's maturity level. My sister is 21 but a lot more immature then I was at that age.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> t's Saturday night, SA and her hubby are burning up the sheets. Tomorrow is Easter, SA and her kids will be busy all day. We'll probably see her Monday!



SA loves Easter. 
She loves it becuse they both can act like bunnies!!!

SA and her husband have such a healthy sex life that it would make a 25 year old green with envy.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

SepticChange said:


> Is there a set time that we stop growing and changing? I've come across some pretty immature 40-somethings (some of them being one of my husband's good friends and his wife). I always tell myself it's the person's maturity level. My sister is 21 but a lot more immature then I was at that age.


My theory is 33 is when you stop maturing but by 28-30 you'll get some serious clues as to where you (or your SO) is headed by then.

Those immature 40 somethings were like that at 30 too. I guarantee it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Anon Pink said:


> it's Saturday night, SA and her hubby are burning up the sheets. Tomorrow is Easter, SA and her kids will be busy all day. We'll probably see her Monday!





> *Mr Blunt said*: SA loves Easter.
> She loves it becuse they both can act like bunnies!!!
> 
> SA and her husband have such a healthy sex life that it would make a 25 year old green with envy.


Oh you guys are cracking me up here....... no burning up the sheets - yet...but getting ready for a Bubble bath







! 

Family coming tomorrow....did most of my cooking today. My computer sits right in the kitchen -calling me....ha ha ... some addictions are hard to break....when you have a little spare time. 








to ya all !


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

My husband and I married a few months before his 19th birthday and a few months before my 25th birthday. We will be married 13 years in May. If I could go back to that time, I would absolutely do it again. There are only a few things I would change over the years, but marrying my husband... marrying him at those ages, is NOT something I would change. I love the man he was then, and I love the man he is now. Yes, things have absolutely changed over the years... some, not for the better. But each thing has been a growing experience for us, both good and bad.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Dated at 18, H 22. Married 3 years later, been married for 7 years. I guess since EVERYONE viewed us as exhibit A for a disaster waiting to happen, then almost all are shocked and surprised that we have a good marriage and, as they say "it looks like we were just meant for each other." 

Septic, in light of some of your other posts, I'm wondering, do you enjoy being married?


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## Angus1985 (Feb 14, 2013)

I was 21, H was 29. We married after dating only 8 months. Everyone thought I was pregnant. I wasn't. No one thought it would last. 

22 years later......................


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SepticChange said:


> Is there a set time that we stop growing and changing? I've come across some pretty immature 40-somethings (some of them being one of my husband's good friends and his wife). I always tell myself it's the person's maturity level. My sister is 21 but a lot more immature then I was at that age.


The human brain does is not fully developed until about age 26. 

Prior to full brain development people exhibit the following behaviors more coincidentally vs. consistently:
• Decision making
• Use of appropriate judgment
• Rational thinking
• Integration of emotion & critical thinking
• Ability to think clearly about long-term outcomes that stem from behaviors
• Global thinking vs. self-centered thinking

Why do you think that auto insurance is so high for males under the age of 25? It's because they are reckless and don't do most of the things listed above very well.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I asked my husband this question last night, and he would think to himself >> "*Awe they are too young*" ...but this is mostly due to how the majority of young people APPEAR today... as most seem to want to get some wild spell out of their systems....he would have married me when I was 18, but I just wasn't sure, having never dated another, so after I got a taste of that, had that short lived experience.... I missed my best friend, I knew he was THE ONE - FOR LIFE...

We moved out into a little house on a hill to rent, he threatened to quit his job if they didn't give him health Benefits (had another Job lined up)... they gave him what he wanted... so we planned our big Wedding and walked down the aisle 8 months later (I was 22, he was 25). 

Both of us were working at 16- till that time & had a nice chunk saved... 

4 yrs after we married, we put HALF down on our 1st house... 2 yrs after that, sold that house, made a profit & put almost half down on our dream house. 

The only college either one of us had was his going to Computer school for a year for some Certificate... he couldn't even find a job that offered him better than what he already was making (or they didn't offer benefits)... so we weren't impressed. Probably my fault, I had him grow his hair longer, and they probably thought he wasn't clean cut enough. 

My immaturity there - ha ha! 

These days, a College Education is a must though, or you will likely be struggling for a long long time.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I think if you get married very young whether or not ot works out has more to do with luck than anything else. That's what my mother always says, she married my dad at 19, they are still very happy 40 years later. 

But, my mother says she would have married whoever she was with at that age to get out of the house, and if it hasd been anyone other than my dad it wouldn't have lasted 5 years. She always advised strongly against marrying so young. I did actually fall in love with my husband at 18, but we didn't marry until 30.

You know, SepticChange, I've read your other posts. Maybe people are questioning your marriage because of the pretty significant difficulties you've been having. I think you'd get less questioning if you had a happy stable marriage.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

EleGirl said:


> The human brain does is not fully developed until about age 26.
> 
> Prior to full brain development people exhibit the following behaviors more coincidentally vs. consistently:
> • Decision making
> ...


Still depends on the individual, my husband is nearing 50...his 1st accident...last year...not his fault at all....some kid pulled out in front of us on a city street ...the kid was high , had 2 friends with him......we had 9 people in our Suburban....My husband never did drugs in his youth or drove fast, I don't think he's ever even gotten a ticket. 

Most people don't listen and adhere Tested & sound advice from those who have lived & been there -who know the world better than they. 

There was a thread with this question....Very telling the answers >>

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/social-spot/68991-does-any-us-really-take-advice-about-anything.html 

..... 90% of the people who answered ....said they DON'T want to hear ANYONE's advice, find it annoying even...they want to learn & make their own mistakes....

Even at 18, I felt anyone with that attitude was -more than not, going to be heading for some quicksand in their life. 

I always *welcomed* the advice from my elders...sought it at every turn, plus I'd buy books on any/every subject to be well prepared from Parenting to managing $$, he'd buy a Chilton for every vehicle so he could work on it himself.... We aimed to be well prepared....

I'd thoroughly contemplate every pit fall .....and what to do in that scenario BEFORE going in - to avoid hardship (no matter if relationships, Jobs, can we afford this, most reliable car to buy etc).... .as I didn't want to loose money, get my heart broken, Fvck it up...and have regrets.



> *Lyris said*: You know, SepticChange, I've read your other posts. Maybe people are questioning your marriage because of the pretty significant difficulties you've been having. I think you'd get less questioning if you had a happy stable marriage.


 I haven't read any of this.. what are the difficulties...communication? Finances? If you are regretting the marriage, you likely jumped too soon..needed some things ironed out before hand... There is a time for everything under the sun. 

I just hate to see all people lumped in together according to age... as people are very different... Our Pastors son married his wife at 18 - solid marriage, 2 boys later - nice house...happy..respectable.... depends on the people involved, what they want... how responsible they are. 

Also know of another couple... she married at 17 (wasn't pregnant, he was 8 yrs older than her)... 19 yrs later... 5 kids later...still kicking , happy, stable family....they go to our church.. their kids in the same Youth group as ours.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Why do you think that auto insurance is so high for males under the age of 25? It's because they are reckless and don't do most of the things listed above very well.


Hmmm.... that's not entirely foolproof either. My insurance was quite high until I was 25 as well. The reason I was given? Same as you stated above about males.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

SepticChange said:


> Those who say they would wait....wait for what exactly? Nowadays it's mainly about getting done with college and getting all the partying out of their system. I was never a partier and yes, I'm still in college but wait for what, I wonder?


To be older and (maybe) wiser?


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