# wife destroyed my life



## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

wife filled restraing order against me.iwas kicked out of my home like a criminal we both did bad things to each other during our marriage we both deserved punishment. so its not like is all my fault but im the one whos paying for everything while shes at home not working she took a very large amount of cash from our bank account basicaly shes a god right now.while im here at my mother house incovienent everybody., here sleeping in the living room feeling like intruder because nobody wants me here.plus lawyer fees that keep piling up and my clean record tainted.cant see my child when i want shes the god that chooses when i can.i been telling her that i would leave our home but no. she choose to do this its there any hope?.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Was this a domestic violence situation?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

oh my god!! This sounds awful! What happened??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Was this a domestic violence situation?


 yes but as i said before we both did bad to each other 50/50 now shes pretending i did everything and shes the poor little victim when shes not.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

She must have really pushed your buttons to get your dander up like this!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Have either of you hurt the children before? Did the children witness this altercation?


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

never hurt them but they saw us.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

I had a friend who was provoked into grabbing his wife round the throat. He flipped out when he realized she was going to divorce him.

He received a suspended sentence. In reality he is a very peaceful person. It was totally out of character. His wife made contact with their daughter very difficult.

I think he recovered but it's a life changer.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

n0H0pe said:


> never hurt them but they saw us.


This gets me every time, when parents say "Oh the kids saw it, but we'd never hurt them".

Righto.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

n0H0pe said:


> wife filled restraing order against me.iwas kicked out of my home like a criminal we both did bad things to each other during our marriage we both deserved punishment. so its not like is all my fault but im the one whos paying for everything while shes at home not working she took a very large amount of cash from our bank account basicaly shes a god right now.while im here at my mother house incovienent everybody., here sleeping in the living room feeling like intruder because nobody wants me here.plus lawyer fees that keep piling up and my clean record tainted.cant see my child when i want shes the god that chooses when i can.i been telling her that i would leave our home but no. she choose to do this its there any hope?.


Its a really lame place to be. Your options are limited. Seek legal representation. There is always hope. This will not kill you. However, this could be one of the defining moments of your life (and your child's). How you handle this will be remembered by you and your children. keep that in mind. You freak-out, create drama, get arrested, etc...That will be remembered and resurrected every time there is ANY future conflict about child support, visitation, spousal support...You get the picture? 

YOUR lack of self control has brought you to this point. Just own it. If you don't own your own actions....you can't own the recovery from them. 

Also. Your wife did not ruin your life. Like you said...it's all 50/50. Own your part. 

She's not a god....But, through your actions you have seeded complete control over your relationship with your children to her. Don't do that again. You need to learn that allowing someone to push your buttons to the point that you lash out...is just stupid. Are you in control of yourself or are you just a puppet? A little plastic bag adrift in the breeze and the actions of others bat you around and move you here and there....Don't be that guy anymore. 

Hell....stop calling her a God...why is it that you continue to seed all your power over to her? She's not special. She
's not a unique snowflake. She's a woman like the billions of other women out there. Having sex with her did not give you super powers (actually the opposite). All the control you gave her is what lets her bat you around. Take that back. Act like a responsible man. Deal with the RO with a lawyer. Don't break the law. Don't talk to her unless you are allowed to about visitation. Do not discuss anything else with her...EVEN is she wants to. You can't control her and She doesn't get to control you anymore. You control you. Act like the man your children look up to. 

Good Luck. 

And get a Lawyer. NOW


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> I had a friend who was provoked into grabbing his wife round the throat. He flipped out when he realized she was going to divorce him.
> 
> He received a suspended sentence. In reality he is a very peaceful person. It was totally out of character. His wife made contact with their daughter very difficult.
> 
> I think he recovered but it's a life changer.


"Provoked" because she wanted a divorce? I don't think so. If someone is telling you that they want to leave you let them leave. You don't become violent and attempt to strangle them. Unacceptable behavior. And entirely his fault and responsiblity.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

n0H0pe said:


> yes but as i said before we both did bad to each other 50/50 now shes pretending i did everything and shes the poor little victim when shes not.


I suggest you take responsiblity for your behavior and do what is best for your kids. If she has restraining order fine. You work around that and you respect the restraining order. What have you done in this situation to warrent a restraining order against you?


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

frusdil said:


> This gets me every time, when parents say "Oh the kids saw it, but we'd never hurt them".
> 
> Righto.


In my state, the kids witnessing domestic violence is a felony.


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

MarriedDude said:


> Its a really lame place to be. Your options are limited. Seek legal representation. There is always hope. This will not kill you. However, this could be one of the defining moments of your life (and your child's). How you handle this will be remembered by you and your children. keep that in mind. You freak-out, create drama, get arrested, etc...That will be remembered and resurrected every time there is ANY future conflict about child support, visitation, spousal support...You get the picture?
> 
> YOUR lack of self control has brought you to this point. Just own it. If you don't own your own actions....you can't own the recovery from them.
> 
> ...


 shes controlling everything free lawyer,free home free food . as i said she took a large amount of money from our bank account and i cant do crap but shell out thousands on lawyers so she can delay and delay the hearing again as she did before.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

n0H0pe,

I can only imagine how upset this has you. Have you talked to an attorney and told him/her your side of the story?

Did either of you have bruises, scratches or other injuries? 

What was the fight about?


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

she has pictures of bruises and whatnot i have nothing and trust me she did way more to me.also iwas insulted beyond imagination .i have scars all over my body.shes a woman the law is on her side.even with a good defense this wont be throw out shes the woman im the man.the fights u mean you wont believe then if i tell you.one little sample fight because i want to watch ironman 3 and no you cant is a perverted movie.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

n0H0pe said:


> she has pictures of bruises and whatnot i have nothing and trust me she did way more to me.also iwas insulted beyond imagination .i have scars all over my body.shes a woman the law is on her side.even with a good defense this wont be throw out shes the woman im the man.the fights u mean you wont believe then if i tell you.one little sample fight because i want to watch ironman 3 and no you cant is a perverted movie.


Scars? Do you mean scars from that night? Or scars from many other times that she attacked you?


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

yeah scars from the many times she scratched me all over.thank god im not white.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Pooh Bear said:


> "Provoked" because she wanted a divorce? I don't think so. If someone is telling you that they want to leave you let them leave. You don't become violent and attempt to strangle them. Unacceptable behavior. And entirely his fault and responsiblity.


I am not saying that he was right or justified. Just because he was provoked does not mean violence is okay. I am merely observing that people will set others up to fvck up. It is difficult to recover from such actions. Once you respond physically you are in big trouble.


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

LongWalk said:


> I am not saying that he was right or justified. Just because he was provoked does not mean violence is okay. I am merely observing that people will set others up to fvck up. It is difficult to recover from such actions. Once you respond physically you are in big trouble.


 if you are a man.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

n0H0pe said:


> if you are a man.


I know of women are have been prosecuted for abusing their husbands.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

n0H0pe said:


> yeah scars from the many times she scratched me all over.thank god im not white.


If she has been physically abusing you for a long time, why did you stay with her?

Getting away from her might be quite a blessing.


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

dont get me wrong im happy i wanted to end that cancerous marriage long time ago.the point here is that the RO wasnt the way to go she could have take my offer that iwas going to leave the home by my own accord but no she has to go and screw me over just because idont do what she says.like moving to another state like she wanted.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

n0H0pe said:


> dont get me wrong im happy i wanted to end that cancerous marriage long time ago.the point here is that the RO wasnt the way to go she could have take my offer that iwas going to leave the home by my own accord but no she has to go and screw me over just because idont do what she says.like moving to another state like she wanted.


Is that what the fight was about? She did not want the divorce. Instead she wanted you to move with her to another state? Is that what you are saying?


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Pooh Bear said:


> LongWalk said:
> 
> 
> > I had a friend who was provoked into grabbing his wife round the throat. He flipped out when he realized she was going to divorce him.
> ...



I believe if your wife wants to divorce you, n there's no affair, you must have giveN her good reasons to do so. 

Speaking from first hand experience - the way you say 50/50 in violence. Sounds like you hit her first n she fought back. Right? 

Then be a man, own Your fault n guilt. 

My ex hit me for years numerous occasions n he will say it's my fault he hit me!!!! When I finally fought back, he cried I abuse him to his friends.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> I am not saying that he was right or justified. Just because he was provoked does not mean violence is okay. I am merely observing that people will set others up to fvck up. It is difficult to recover from such actions. Once you respond physically you are in big trouble.


She didn't set him up for anything by saying she wanted a divorce. She wanted a divorce. That's her right.


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

this is all about i dont wanted to summit to her.shes older than me so she treat me like a son she never had i cant watch any movie without her permission cant play any video game without her permission and aproval so on.,we fight for those reasons and more stupidty you wont believe.last fight was because i read a comic book that have exagerated women shes jeaolus of a comic book she insulted me for 2 hours straight and she wanted to go live to nc but idont like cold weather so i said no so she got piss and screw me over with the RO like is a game., and the hearing she agreed first to take counsling 5 minutes later she change her mind let the judge decide haha.


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

tripad said:


> I believe if your wife wants to divorce you, n there's no affair, you must have giveN her good reasons to do so.
> 
> Speaking from first hand experience - the way you say 50/50 in violence. Sounds like you hit her first n she fought back. Right?
> 
> ...


 no sir or lady.she hit me first and insulted me while at it and i defended myself i cant let her destroy me just because shes a woman.self defense she hit first.by the way shes 5''10 210 pounds and 5''10 200 pounds so there you go.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

n0H0pe said:


> this is all about i dont wanted to summit to her.shes older than me so she treat me like a son she never had i cant watch any movie without her permission cant play any video game without her permission and aproval so on.,we fight for those reasons and more stupidty you wont believe.last fight was because i read a comic book that have exagerated women shes jeaolus of a comic book she insulted me for 2 hours straight and she wanted to go live to nc but idont like cold weather so i said no so she got piss and screw me over with the RO like is a game., and the hearing she agreed first to take counsling 5 minutes later she change her mind let the judge decide haha.


How old are the two of you?

So what did you do when she told you she was upset about you reading a comic?


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

i got piss and we argue without going at it. because at that point of the crap marriage we were over but she assumed atributions she didnt deserve anymore like giving me permission to read comic books like she always did


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

im mid 30s shes early 40s


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok, so there is not a lot of difference in your ages.

So how did the argument go physical?


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

did not go physical.just words.


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

Get an attorney* NOW*, one who has experience in dealing with this type of situation. Be prepared to have to attend court ordered counseling sessions. Meanwhile, take your share of the money out of the account. You will need it to live and pay the attorney. Offer supervised visitation to start out with. When/if you prove yourself, it can move to unsupervised.

IamSomebody


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

how did it go for you?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

You don't need to CLOSE the bank account.

Just transfer half the money into your own new bank account (in YOUR name only).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

just half? shes going to pay her rent with my money.how do i tell her to pay her own bills now everything is under my name electrcty internet rent etc


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

does she have a job?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

is your name on the mortgage or the lease?


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

shes on the lease too but what if shes waiting for me to keep paying? how do i transfer everything to her without being able to speak


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

no she doesnt have a job. and she dont wanna work either thats another reason she did this.i told her to find a job beofre i leave so she got piss and RO me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have you been married to her?

You open an account in your name only and then transfer some portion of what is in the join account to your account.

See if you can get our name off of the joint account.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

n0H0pe said:


> just half? shes going to pay her rent with my money.how do i tell her to pay her own bills now everything is under my name electrcty internet rent etc


If your name is on the lease with hers, then you will need to pay. Do you think that the land lord will let you off the lease?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

n0H0pe said:


> did not go physical.just words.


I'm confused. I thought that she called the cops because the fight got physical.. and she has burses and you have scrapes.


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

she doesnt have a car she doesnt know how to drive she doesnt haave friends nor family close.what if my son gets sick or sometning happen i cant help because of her stupidity.


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I'm confused. I thought that she called the cops because the fight got physical.. and she has burses and you have scrapes.


she didnt call the cops.iwas served by a deputy with the papers after he gracefully woke me up with his flash light treat me like a criminal in my own house.never going to forgive her for that.the comic book fight didnt go physical. shes using old photos from 2012 last time we fought nasty.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have children with her?


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

one mine with her she has one of hers.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok, so you need to provide for your kid.

Has the divorce process started?


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

nah too expensive now i going to wasted all my hard earned money on this.while she enjoys the rest of the money on whatever she wants life is so fair.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does she have the money to pay the rent, the utilities and feed your child?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

She can get on welfare, right?


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

she has the money to live happy for many months plus foodstamps.wow the easy life.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Pooh Bear said:


> I suggest you take responsiblity for your behavior and do what is best for your kids. If she has restraining order fine. You work around that and you respect the restraining order. What have you done in this situation to warrent a restraining order against you?


Maybe something, maybe nothing. getting a restraining order in my jurisdiction is as easy as walking into Roy Rogers and getting a 3 piece chicken.

The fact that he is screwed is because she filed first and the system is slanted towards women. Don't believe me ? I have worked thousands of cases and have kept statistical information and also kept case files.

Maybe he did whoop her but I think you are making some assumptions based on incomplete information.

OP tell us what happened rather than complaining about the situation you are in and lawyer up


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

n0H0pe
If you are just venting, that is fine too but people are assuming that you want some advice.

Don't make the people drag the info out of you..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

n0H0pe said:


> she has the money to live happy for many months plus foodstamps.wow the easy life.


Ok take all the money out of the joint account.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

tripad said:


> I believe if your wife wants to divorce you, n there's no affair, you must have giveN her good reasons to do so.
> 
> Speaking from first hand experience - the way you say 50/50 in violence. Sounds like you hit her first n she fought back. Right?
> 
> ...


again assumptions without a basis here. 

The last time I checked, 50/50 doesn't indicate who hit who first of what happened.

Your experience aside, every situation is different


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

wmn1 said:


> Maybe something, maybe nothing. getting a restraining order in my jurisdiction is as easy as walking into Roy Rogers and getting a 3 piece chicken.
> 
> The fact that he is screwed is because she filed first and the system is slanted towards women. Don't believe me ? I have worked thousands of cases and have kept statistical information and also kept case files.
> 
> ...


 we whooped each other she whoop me firts and i defended myself she took photos i did not and here we aare.lawyer up i did at the hearing she wanted to play games agreeing to counseling 5 minutes later she change her mind and said let the judge decide so the judge have no time for the hearing anynore so now i have to pay a couple of thpusands more because she can make of her mind.while she enjoys the fruits of my hard earned work.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

n0H0pe said:


> shes on the lease too but what if shes waiting for me to keep paying? how do i transfer everything to her without being able to speak


talk to an attorney and find a way to stop paying legally. A judge might frown upon it if you cut the electricity off in the middle of the Winter but without proper legal advice and in whatever jurisdiction you are in, things are different.

She may have RO'ed because she had to start contributing to the household and ckae ate, or she was afraid because she hit you first and felt you could react legally or that you hit her first and it was a legit RO.

Again, no story, no clue


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

n0H0pe said:


> we whooped each other she whoop me firts and i defended myself she took photos i did not and here we aare.lawyer up i did at the hearing she wanted to play games agreeing to counseling 5 minutes later she change her mind and said let the judge decide so the judge have no time for the hearing anynore so now i have to pay a couple of thpusands more because she can make of her mind.while she enjoys the fruits of my hard earned work.


Did this fight happen the night she had you arrested?


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

iwasnt arrested ever girl.i told u many times already.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

n0H0pe said:


> iwasnt arrested ever girl.i told u many times already.





n0H0pe said:


> she didnt call the cops.iwas served by a deputy with the papers after he gracefully woke me up with his flash light treat me like a criminal in my own house. never going to forgive her for that. the comic book fight didnt go physical. shes using old photos from 2012 last time we fought nasty.


Ok, sorry, I read that. So she must have filed against you at some point.


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

yeah at the point where i took a trip abroad after the comic book fight then she filled when i was away nice plan huh.


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

You were scheduled to go on this trip before or after the fight?


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

before


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

n0H0pe said:


> yeah at the point where i took a trip abroad after the comic book fight then she filled when i was away nice plan huh.


Let me see if I have this right.

in 2012 you two had a fight and she took pictures of bruises form that fight.

More recently you two had an argument about her not wanting you to read a comic book. When did this argument happen?

Then you went abroad for some period of time. How long were you away? How long were you abroad? When did you come back from this trip?

After you returned from abroad, you were served papers for charges she brought against you. She apparently used pictures from 2012 to prove physical abuse.

Is that right?


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

protect your assets, utilize your attorney to do this while you file for divorce. Try to make the divorce amicable. Find out exactly what you are obligated to pay for and what you aren't, then cut off what you aren't.

Once these things go this route, things are usually broken especially if an order is filed vindictively and not out of need.

Sadly, the person who files Protective orders first has the upper hand but doesn't always win (normally wins the DV case) but not always the divorce.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Let me see if I have this right.
> 
> in 2012 you two had a fight and she took pictures of bruises form that fight.
> 
> ...


I think that's what he's saying. The story is definitely convoluted


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

and BTW your life is not destroyed. It's a bump in the road.

The questions you need to ask yourself is if this is fixable or if you want it to be fixed ?

Why fight over a comic book ? WTF ?


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

Was this trip optional - like a vacation, or for your job?


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Let me see if I have this right.
> 
> in 2012 you two had a fight and she took pictures of bruises form that fight.
> 
> ...


 we had many ugly fights from 2011-2012-after that wwe did not hit each other but we argue pretty loud way too many times to count. she took pictures and i thought nothing of it instead of taking my own.comic book fight happened the night before my trip and i was away 10 days.


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

AlisonBlaire said:


> Was this trip optional - like a vacation, or for your job?


vacation for me needed to get away from her and the routine


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

wmn1 said:


> and BTW your life is not destroyed. It's a bump in the road.
> 
> The questions you need to ask yourself is if this is fixable or if you want it to be fixed ?
> 
> Why fight over a comic book ? WTF ?


I don't know, but I was inferring from his post that the comic book was the last straw. Sounded like what he said was that she treated him not as an equal, but granting him basic permissions to do what he wanted?


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

wmn1 said:


> and BTW your life is not destroyed. It's a bump in the road.
> 
> The questions you need to ask yourself is if this is fixable or if you want it to be fixed ?
> 
> Why fight over a comic book ? WTF ?


 exactly my freind WTF if you knew her you wont believe is real.


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

n0H0pe said:


> vacation for me needed to get away from her and the routine


And she used that time to gather her resources and got the ball rolling on the legalities. Have you documented anything that she has done? Filed any past police reports? Do you have access to those photos that were dated in 2012 at all? Long shot, I know.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

n0H0pe said:


> this is all about i dont wanted to summit to her.shes older than me so she treat me like a son she never had i cant watch any movie without her permission cant play any video game without her permission and aproval so on.,we fight for those reasons and more stupidty you wont believe.last fight was because i read a comic book that have exagerated women shes jeaolus of a comic book she insulted me for 2 hours straight and she wanted to go live to nc but idont like cold weather so i said no so she got piss and screw me over with the RO like is a game., and the hearing she agreed first to take counsling 5 minutes later she change her mind let the judge decide haha.


If that's what is happening , you should divorce her.


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

i have nothing no photos never took any. any emails with insults threats,text i usually deleted all that crap no need negative energy around me so i only have my words and many scars on my body.


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

wmn1 said:


> and BTW your life is not destroyed. It's a bump in the road.
> 
> The questions you need to ask yourself is if this is fixable or if you want it to be fixed ?
> 
> Why fight over a comic book ? WTF ?


how i fix this? judge wont throw this out 100% sure.


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

If she does text you or e-mail you any threatening messages, do not delete them. Same goes for voice-mail. From here on out, document every time she contacts you and keep this in a file. You will need this if she loses her cool for evidence in court. Good luck.


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

AlisonBlaire said:


> If she does text you or e-mail you any threatening messages, do not delete them. Same goes for voice-mail. From here on out, document every time she contacts you and keep this in a file. You will need this if she loses her cool for evidence in court. Good luck.


too late for that obviously she wont do that now that we went to court the only thing she does its treat me like idont know how to take care of our son and acting like shes so busy so bring the kid when i said because i might have plans etc so haha she does nothing all day but watch youtube.


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

No. What I meant is if she contacts you in any negative way *right now or down the road*, keep all of these forms of contact so that you have documentation to show about her behavior. If she does this, it might help you for evidence to show in any future court proceedings.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You say you had a fight about a comic book and often had fights in the past because your wife tries to tell you what to do?

Where you ignoring her and her needs and spending a lot of time watching movies and reading comic books?

Why did you go away and leave your wife and child behind?

Why didn't your wife drive? Did you not like her driving?

If your wife had bruises from other fights and photos you must have been physical at other times?

If you have old scars does that mean your wife cut you and or tore your skin enough to make a scar?

Most people have scars that doesn't mean that somebody abused them.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Little Deer,

again like Pooh Bear, you are assuming he's the aggressor without any knowledge that it is the case. Everything is his fault. Why ? Because he's the guy ???

Maybe it is his fault, maybe it's hers, maybe it's both. But again, we are making assumptions here that is not fact based (based on the facts we have)

You could argue that it is a toxic relationship, and we would all agree. I can tell you that if she did pull up pictures from two years ago and am making an issue out of it now and he didn't save his pictures, it's a legal strategy more than one of violence in all likelihood. he got set up. Now, does that make him a saint ? No. Does it make her the victim ? No. 

She played it smarter than him and that's what he's going through right now.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

BTW, with what I am reading on this thread, I am recommending an amicable divorce in this case. Nothing can be salvaged


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

if i filled for divorce now what would happen to the RO?.also what if she file criminal charges like her attorney told mine she was thinking on doing.


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

*LittleDeer* said:


> You say you had a fight about a comic book and often had fights in the past because your wife tries to tell you what to do?
> 
> Where you ignoring her and her needs and spending a lot of time watching movies and reading comic books?
> 
> ...


read the whole thread and stop assuming things.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

AlisonBlaire said:


> wmn1 said:
> 
> 
> > and BTW your life is not destroyed. It's a bump in the road.
> ...



Taking this with a pinch of salt. 

My ex spends alot offline doing his own things n didn't help out at home. When I tried to tell him not do his things n help me with the children. We fought.  Then he claimed I controlled every little thing. 

Even my children are not close to him saying that he doesn't spend time with them.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

n0H0pe said:


> i have nothing no photos never took any. any emails with insults threats,text i usually deleted all that crap no need negative energy around me so i only have my words and many scars on my body.


Do you still have the cell phone? You might be able to pull up the deleted texts. Look for the evidence thread on this forum. There is a lot of info on how to do that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

n0H0pe said:


> if i filled for divorce now what would happen to the RO?.also what if she file criminal charges like her attorney told mine she was thinking on doing.


Isn't what she did already some kind of criminal charges?

Your attorney might want to remind her that if you have criminal charges it will be harder for you to find work and to give her children support. 

So she needs to stop trying to destroy you because it's going to hurt you and your son as well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tripad said:


> Taking this with a pinch of salt.
> 
> My ex spends alot offline doing his own things n didn't help out at home. When I tried to tell him not do his things n help me with the children. We fought. Then he claimed I controlled every little thing.
> 
> Even my children are not close to him saying that he doesn't spend time with them.


I agree that we are only getting one side of the story here. So we need to be careful to not side with one or the other. Instead to give input on how to defuse the situation so that the OP, his wife and his child can get on with life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

n0H0pe said:


> if i filled for divorce now what would happen to the RO?.also what if she file criminal charges like her attorney told mine she was thinking on doing.


If you file for divorce now, nothing will happen to the RO.

I think that it would be wise for you to file at this time.


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

she had the chance to stop trying to destroy me at the hearing when she suggest counseling but change her mind 5 minutes later and said lets go for the full hearing.she wants to destroy me alright.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

wmn1 said:


> Little Deer,
> 
> again like Pooh Bear, you are assuming he's the aggressor without any knowledge that it is the case. Everything is his fault. Why ? Because he's the guy ???
> 
> ...


No. Because abusers lie a lot. They generally do not take responsiblity for their actions. And they blame the victim. You're right, we can't talk to his wife. And if she feels threatened it is better that we don't.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

*LittleDeer* said:


> You say you had a fight about a comic book and often had fights in the past because your wife tries to tell you what to do?
> 
> Where you ignoring her and her needs and spending a lot of time watching movies and reading comic books?
> 
> ...


nohope, ignore this poster. You are a man and you will always be in the wrong with her.

Having said that, you should know better than to commit any type of physical abuse. I understand she has done the same to you, and with some posters here, that will not matter.

The law is on her side, and no matter what she did to you, you will lose. BOTH of you should actually be in jail.

So now all you can do is concentrate on you. IF you are getting baited into fights....DON'T. There is a restraining order against you, and rightfully so (there should also be one on her).

Do not violate the order and simply do not engage her. You are going to have to do your fighting in court. It sucks, but that's all you can do.

Stay away from her and any contact between the two of you should be through your attorney.

If she calls you and threatens you, DO NOT say anything. Listen to what she says and document it for your attorney with dates and times. If she is baiting you, just let her talk. DO NOT respond. Tell your attorney EVERYTHING she says.

Its all you can do.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Hold up. Your wife had an issue with you reading comic books (or a comic book in this particular case), but she was okay with you setting up a 10 day vacation for yourself to go alone on because you wanted to just "get away"?

You said the vacation for yourself, alone without her, was set up prior to this comic book fight. That just doesn't make sense that she would not like you reading comic books, but would be okay with you taking a 10 day vacation with out her.


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

it was more than get away i had to take care of some things.and she most likely was planning the RO so she didnt care anymore. and yes she had a issue with everything i couldnt even go to restroom with my cellphone in my pocket.she hates the city we live so much you wont believe is real.but now shes stuck here for a long time..hehe


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Pooh Bear, first of all, this case stinks of an abusive relationship from both sides.

In my jurisdiction, they discourage filing false statement charges against DV petitioners so not to scare them from reporting. That is the edict we've been encouraged to believe.

In my 21 years in Law Enforcement and of the nearly 4000 cases I have worked, I have seen everything. DV respondents lies, DV petitioner lies, orders filed at the suggestion of attorneys to get an advantage in divorce cases, orders filed to get hubby or wifey out of the house to conduct an affair, exaggerated claims of abuse, non-reported abuse, watering down of abuse claims, anything you can imagine, I have seen. 

For you to assume to this guy that he is the aggressor just because she filed first which normally means nothing. If there was an onscene arrest, it may have meant something more. She doesn't sound scared, she sounds like she can give it like she takes it. Such fear would have precipitated a quick end to this marriage 3 years ago. It obviously didn't.

You are jumping to conclusions based on a lack of facts. 

I agree with Ele, we are just getting one side of the story. I also believe OP is handling this poorly. He seems concerned about trivial things.

he needs to file for divorce like yesterday. It is a bad marriage and can benefit both to leave. Whether he deserved the protective order or just booted him out of the house because he was pressuring her to get a job or whether there was abuse on both sides and she pulled the trigger first or whether she's trying to F with him, we don't know. I don't know but I have my personal feelings on it which I have reserved. 

You Pooh Bear quickly took the woman's side but why ??? Remember these threads are supposed to be about helping the OP, not about drawing gender lines just because ......


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

very good advice from Vellocet, take it to heart. Ele has also added some good points.

So let me ask you this;

1) Do you feel your marriage is over ?
2) Have you reached out to an attorney ?
3) What exactly is your gameplan besides complaining ?
4) What is your plan if she contacts you ?

You have to create substance ...


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

7 pages and it's still impossible to put any of this story in 2 short sentences. What a mess.

None of the advice has been taken. None of the questions asked have been answered. No sequential list of events. 

What is this? Your punching bag?

This is not the end of your life. People have been through much worse. Including some of the very people replying to your thread. Get your sh1t together and articulate a few decent sentences together. Then answer the questions properly and wait for advice.

Good luck.


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

synthetic said:


> 7 pages and it's still impossible to put any of this story in 2 short sentences. What a mess.
> 
> None of the advice has been taken. None of the questions asked have been answered. No sequential list of events.
> 
> ...


 actually i feel like your punching bag.bad day at work?.


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

wmn1 said:


> very good advice from Vellocet, take it to heart. Ele has also added some good points.
> 
> So let me ask you this;
> 
> ...


1)it was over long time ago this was the last nail.2)yes i believe i said we went to the hearing and we have another hearing in a month.3) gameplan? dont know i just want this to be throw out then whatever comes next.4)shes no going to contact me its againts the RO.


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## octaviaa (Mar 3, 2015)

Your life is not destroyed. Yes, you now have set backs to deal with, but it's not destroyed. We've all been at the bottom, or what we thought was the bottom, and have had to climb our way out. Try to look at the positive things in your life, and try to think of things to get you to where you want to be. Where do you want to be in life? Spend most your time focusing on where you want to be, and less on what's happened. Focusing on what you can't change (you can't change the past), will only make you feel helpless. Your not helpless, and your life can improve for the better.

Life can pull the rug from beneath us, and turn our world upside down at times. At first it's the worst thing that could ever happen to us, then long after it's over we come out with better wisdom and new strength.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

wmn1 said:


> Pooh Bear, first of all, this case stinks of an abusive relationship from both sides.
> 
> In my jurisdiction, they discourage filing false statement charges against DV petitioners so not to scare them from reporting. That is the edict we've been encouraged to believe.
> 
> ...


He needs to take responsiblity for himself. All I see is him playing the victim. Most victims blame themselves or downplay how the abuser is treating them. The abusers play the victim. Maybe that's not the case here. But he needs to stop blaming his wife and talking about how she ruined his life and do what is best for his kids. And don't make this a gender thing. I have supported plenty of men on these threads who were being abused by their wives. Unfortunately, we see a lot of abuse on these threads. It's awful.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Pooh Bear said:


> He needs to take responsiblity for himself. All I see is him playing the victim. Most victims blame themselves or downplay how the abuser is treating them. The abusers play the victim. Maybe that's not the case here. But he needs to stop blaming his wife and talking about how she ruined his life and do what is best for his kids. And don't make this a gender thing. I have supported plenty of men on these threads who were being abused by their wives. Unfortunately, we see a lot of abuse on these threads. It's awful.


ok good enough. I agree it's awful and I agree that it's not a gender thing. I also agree he has to stop complaining and step to the plate and end things efficiently and respectfully.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

n0H0pe said:


> 1).4)shes no going to contact me its againts the RO.


She'll contact you....no matter how much dough...with kids and looking for a new boyfriend to replace you the dough will go quick.

Trust me, her contacting you depends on how much dough she took and how much her "friends"/ guys use her!

She is probably dropping $40 a day in vodka just to cope?
What if she met some shyt head on line and flies half way across the country to see the phuck stick...that will drain an account?

My point is she will be contacting you sooner then you think, so be prepared.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

wmn1 said:


> ok good enough. I agree it's awful and I agree that it's not a gender thing. I also agree he has to stop complaining and step to the plate and end things efficiently and respectfully.


OP's old lady called the cops and took his bank...and this can't be worked out?


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

wmn1 said:


> ok good enough. I agree it's awful and I agree that it's not a gender thing. I also agree he has to stop complaining and step to the plate and end things efficiently and respectfully.


yeah respectfully when your wife put a restraining order againts you and then get kick out of your home like a bag of trash then you will want to give so much respect to the person that cause it.haha im very very very piss at her ok? im not victim but she deserves punishment as well and shes going to get none.shes happy with thousands of dollars that i worked for my apartment that i pay ALONE keeping my child from me and i should be happy and respectful haha.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Trust me your old lady will get punished.

Guy after guy wil use her and in the end when she is found dead by the postman surrounded by cats and cat boo in a trailer out side of town her last thought will be..."what did I do wrong?"

You on the other hand ,can and will rebuild and when your time comes you will be surrounded by loved ones who respect you for how you made it through after such a phucked up time some chick did you!

Its how you live from here on out that will be the best revenge, while your old lady keeps blaming others for her phucked up shytty life.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Do you want to be found alone, by the postman surrounded by dogs and dog boo , or do want to show this chick she screwed up by leaving such a bad @ss that not even her crap can keep you down?

You will get through this...we all do!

What sucks is when you start handling your business and she sees a guy that is confident enough to make it with out her she will come back and start messing with your head...especially when you start seeing another women....she will want you back so bad!

It will be her ego that wants you back...only to phuck with your head one more time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are many reasons that you need to handle this with respect and calmly. 

One if that if you do not, you will just convince the court and the lawyers that you are the abuser and she's a victim.

Two.. the more you fight her, the more it will cost you financially. You say that she took a lot of your money. Well when you file for divorce, put that money on her side of the settlement. That's months of child support paid in advance.

Talk to a lawyer about how to handle this so that she ends up hurting herself by having taken the money. But do it with out showing anger and hotheaded angst.


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

im not going to fight her or do anything to her ok? idont even want to see her again in my life again.but she deserves to pay for what she did and keeps doing to destroy me.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

be lucky you got out now before you got old like me

I was in a toxic marriage, but once I started working on my self and realized my old lady was still not putting back into the marriage I saw all the signs and sure enough she was screwing around.

I'm just saying work on being a better you nad not for your old lady but for you and your kids...see if your old lady follows along or even gets more dostant.

I was in a toxic marriage for a long time but once you make the changes for *you* it clears your head to see you are not alone....your old lady has to make changes too if she wants to stick around.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

n0H0pe said:


> im not going to fight her or do anything to her ok? idont even want to see her again in my life again.but she deserves to pay for what she did and keeps doing to destroy me.


You are not getting what we are telling you. We don't t think you are going to do anything to her.

We want to help you get your head in a place where you can get ahead of what's happening and even recoup some financially from what she took.

Karma will take care of her. If she is as toxic as you say she is... ain't nobody going to stick with her very long. She's going to be alone in the long run... alone and miserable.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I did read the whole thing OP. I think those questions are fair. I was trying to gain better insight into your situation.


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

in the long run but now shes happy and enjoying my things. i worked hard for..we live in the present and my present is hell right now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well, just about everyone on this site has been through hell. Some of us through hells a lot worse than what you are dealing with.

We are talking from experience. You can spend your energy now on anger and clutter your mind with it. Or you can start to move on and get yourself into a better place.

What are you doing for yourself these days? Let's start there.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

n0H0pe said:


> yeah respectfully when your wife put a restraining order againts you and then get kick out of your home like a bag of trash then you will want to give so much respect to the person that cause it.haha im very very very piss at her ok? im not victim but she deserves punishment as well and shes going to get none.shes happy with thousands of dollars that i worked for my apartment that i pay ALONE keeping my child from me and i should be happy and respectful haha.



ok. Now you are talking because all you've done so far is give snippets of info which has left us in the dark.

You've been asked what happened a number of times. You admitted abuse on both sides and hinted that you may be the victim but then say you aren't a saint.

You said she got a restraining order against you and 'destroyed your life' in which I defended you by stating that just because she files first doesn't mean she isn't the aggressor. I have seen the DV system get mutilated by fake DV claims firsthand so I know it happens

Personally, I don't see what you are doing to help yourself...

Did you get an attorney ?

Are you filing for divorce ?

Why didn't you get a police report the first time she attacked you ?

Are you building a peer support group to get you through the tough times ?

What are you doing ? You won't even give us the full story which is leading to a ton of speculation here. 

And when I say respectful, I don't mean kiss her arse. I mean doing things the right way like getting an attorney or cutting her off. It's legal and respectful to a degree but it certainly beats sitting back and being issed and feeling sorry for yourself


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

the guy said:


> OP's old lady called the cops and took his bank...and this can't be worked out?


No, he needs to go for the jugular but he needs to do it legally. There is nothing he can do right now by himself with the way the system is without landing him in a jail cell or losing big time in the court case.

When I say respectfully, I mean doing it professionally and legitimately. 

I am leaning on the side of her filing a false report in order to get the upper hand and booting him from his own place when he said the free ride is over, a common occurrence. However, every time I lean this way, he admits to things here that make me second guess that assessment.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Well, just about everyone on this site has been through hell. Some of us through hells a lot worse than what you are dealing with.
> 
> We are talking from experience. You can spend your energy now on anger and clutter your mind with it. Or you can start to move on and get yourself into a better place.
> 
> What are you doing for yourself these days? Let's start there.



My point exactly !!!!


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

n0H0pe said:


> im not going to fight her or do anything to her ok? idont even want to see her again in my life again.but she deserves to pay for what she did and keeps doing to destroy me.


and how are you going to make her pay ???? What is your gameplan ?????


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

n0H0pe said:


> in the long run but now shes happy and enjoying my things. i worked hard for..we live in the present and my present is hell right now.


no, that's actually just in the SHORT run. You both have a LOT of years left in this world likely. Right now it's a b*tch because she surprised you and got the upper hand. But you have a child together so you'll need to be civil (not nice) to each other for the child's sake.

meanwhile listen to these guys. Don't show a temper. Be as pleasant and even keeled as possible. She'll look like a user.

And once this blows over and you're still working and she's living on bare minimum mooching off the state, you'll be the one ahead. 

And next time learn to fight fair - if a woman hits you, walk out and don't put up with it. Hitting is for toddlers before they learn to use words to express themselves. Move on to a relationship where you both communicate to work things out.

PS - Time to put away childish things. You're a man.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If she took a large amount of cash then you withdraw the rest.

If she did take a large amount of cash, part of your game plan should be to bring that up in the divorce filing. I said it before. What she took as to go towards her half of the martial assets and support.

.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> There are many reasons that you need to handle this with respect and calmly.
> 
> One if that if you do not, you will just convince the court and the lawyers that you are the abuser and she's a victim.
> 
> ...


Exactly. You don't treat her with respect for her. You treat her with respect for your situation. 

I know it sucks to have to even feign respect for someone that is doing this to you without any consequences on her end of things....but you do it until the smoke clears and the divorce/custody agreements are in place.

And when it is all over, you don't need to show her respect. You don't go out of your way to disrespect her, especially in front of the kids, but you don't have to be nice to her. Just civil for the sake of the kids.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

vellocet said:


> Exactly. You don't treat her with respect for her. You treat her with respect for your situation.
> 
> I know it sucks to have to even feign respect for someone that is doing this to you without any consequences on her end of things....but you do it until the smoke clears and the divorce/custody agreements are in place.
> 
> And when it is all over, you don't need to show her respect. You don't go out of your way to disrespect her, especially in front of the kids, but you don't have to be nice to her. Just civil for the sake of the kids.


:iagree:


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

> And next time learn to fight fair - if a woman hits you, walk out and don't put up with it. Hitting is for toddlers before they learn to use words to express themselves. Move on to a relationship where you both communicate to work things out.


Walking away from a battery is fighting fair? People respond to battery differently than 'what is suppose to be expected.' It's hard to control your thoughts in the moment of raw increased fight or flight emotions present themselves. Hence, killing in the heat of passion is voluntary manslaughter rather than murder. 

I am not one to condone hitting women but this woman sounds tough by size and history. The right to self-defense is not just for toddlers, ma'm. If you hit someone, expect to be hit back. If you shoot at someone carrying, expect to get shot back at. It doesn't matter how old you are. Hit first and ask questions later before you end up getting killed. 

On topic, you have to play cool OP. Right now, she has the upper hand. There is not much you can do if she plays the victim card. Just let your lawyer handle it. Sorry man. It's not a fair world in family law for men anymore.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> And next time learn to fight fair - if a woman hits you, walk out and don't put up with it.


Walking away from someone that has hit you is fighting fair?

That's it? That's fighting fair? No consequences for her physical violence?

If he knew the police would actually do their job and she didn't try to lie, he should call the cops on her if she hit him and he didn't retaliate.


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

as i said before shes 210 pounds 5''10.not small cookie ,im 195-200 pounds 5''10 pretty even.and yeah let me walk away when someone is ripping my flesh open just because i read a comic book.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

n0H0pe said:


> someone is ripping my flesh open just because i read a comic book.


She didn't rip your flesh open because you read a comic book.

The comic book was the proverbial straw.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Ok nohope, you aren't going to win here. I suggest you abandon your thread and deal with things the best you can.

You are going to be in the wrong with the posters here no matter what you do.

Good luck.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

*Walking away from a battery is fighting fair? People respond to battery differently than 'what is suppose to be expected.' It's hard to control your thoughts in the moment of raw increased fight or flight emotions present themselves. Hence, killing in the heat of passion is voluntary manslaughter rather than murder. *

Right. That's why you train yourself to control it. You should read "Emotional Intelligence" by Daniel Goleman. He talks about the fact that if you don't train your brain, the brain will take over. He calls it an "emotional hijacking." Parents are supposed to help children learn these things before they become adults so that they already have that in place and can control that emotional hijacking. But, unfortunately, a lot of parents never learned that themselves. So how can they teach their kids? But even if one never learned it we can teach ourselves to do it. I mean lots of people learn how to control themselves. If not most, if not all of us, would be in prison.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

vellocet said:


> Walking away from someone that has hit you is fighting fair?
> 
> That's it? That's fighting fair? No consequences for her physical violence?
> 
> If he knew the police would actually do their job and she didn't try to lie, he should call the cops on her if she hit him and he didn't retaliate.



You think that vigilante justice is the best line of defense?


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

pooh bear you remind me of her.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Pooh Bear said:


> You think that vigilante justice is the best line of defense?


Try reading what I said instead of moving the goalpost with a ridiculous question.

Best line of defense, IMO, is self defense. Someone hits you, you have the right to defend yourself to the point where you become the aggressor.

Vigilante justice? Who the hell is talking about that? Oh, nobody, that's right.

Funny how women here will completely ignore physical violence from other women. You all will try to turn it around every single time.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

vellocet said:


> Ok nohope, you aren't going to win here. I suggest you abandon your thread and deal with things the best you can.
> 
> You are going to be in the wrong with the posters here no matter what you do.
> 
> Good luck.


yep I agree. Sometimes, you can't walk away.

If Ronda Rousey or Meisha Tate was attacking me, sometimes you have no choice but to strike back. 

There is chivalry and then there is stupidity. Everyone has a right not to be attacked. And everyone has a right to defend themselves. It's chivalry until you are going to be maimed.

OP here just has to be more articulate in how he explains things.

I was confused about this story from the getgo.

He needs to get a D and fast.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

vellocet said:


> Try reading what I said instead of moving the goalpost with a ridiculous question.
> 
> Best line of defense, IMO, is self defense. Someone hits you, you have the right to defend yourself to the point where you become the aggressor.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

and there are politics even in police work. It svcks. Many cops will do the right thing but not all and it gets more political when it goes up the line to prosecutors and politicians. Women are less likely to get arrested or prosecuted. If she instigated and attacked, he has a right to defend himself. Justice is supposed to be blind. It's not anymore


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

You _might_ have the moral high ground if you hit a woman in self-defense, but legally you're probably going to ass-raped with nary a kiss or flowers. That's just the way it is. Far better to run, literally, and not go back.

I'm thinking the OP may be agreeing at this point.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

vellocet said:


> Try reading what I said instead of moving the goalpost with a ridiculous question.
> 
> Best line of defense, IMO, is self defense. Someone hits you, you have the right to defend yourself to the point where you become the aggressor.
> 
> ...


You need to learn the difference between self-defense and status. If a woman slaps you and you punch her that is not self-defense, it's status. If she corners with a knife and you have no possible way to leave the situation without pushing her or grabbing her arms then that is self-defense. And you're right. Society has a hard time believing that women are not the victimized party. Lizzy Borden got away with murder because no one could believe a woman could exert the amount of force she did to kill her parents. So you change society by starting to talk about the fact that women are not always the weaker sex and that men can be weak and that it is ok for a man to be weak. But none of you are talking about that because the fact is there is some benefit you gain from continuing the stereotypes of a weak woman vs a strong man. Instead, you talk about punching a woman for slapping you and you call that self-defense.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

GTdad said:


> You _might_ have the moral high ground if you hit a woman in self-defense, but legally you're probably going to ass-raped with nary a kiss or flowers. That's just the way it is. Far better to run, literally, and not go back.
> 
> I'm thinking the OP may be agreeing at this point.


Agreed. And although it would be someone's right, if I started having to fend off a barrage of attacks from a woman, I'd end up restraining her from doing me any more harm. And yes, that alone would put me in the slammer I'd imagine. But that's ok, I'm not going to sit there and get beat on...by anyone.

Personally, would I hit a woman? No. But depends.

If she is barraging me with punches or clawings, I'll restrain her. Sure, getting away from her is a good option, if you can.

But if she is coming at me with some sort of weapon, all bets are off.

Personally my favorite response if there are visible claw marks, bruises, or whatever, it would be to call the cops on her and have her violent ass thrown in jail. 

But because of what you said, I don't have faith the cops will look at it for what it is and she'd end up lying about what happened anyway.


----------



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Pooh Bear said:


> You need to learn the difference between self-defense and status. If a woman slaps you and you punch her that is not self-defense, it's status.


I agree, nor would I condone that.




> If she corners with a knife and you have no possible way to leave the situation without pushing her or grabbing her arms then that is self-defense.


Uh no, if she HAS A KNIFE, then she is going to get hit.




> Instead, you talk about punching a woman for slapping you and you call that self-defense.


Oh, please, PLEASE show me where I or anyone said that.

You pulled that out of thin air.

But you keep on ignoring violence from women. Keep moving those goalposts and making up things people here supposedly said.

I'll be waiting for you to tell us who said a woman should be punched for slapping a man.  <-- That's me waiting patiently


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

vellocet said:


> I agree, nor would I condone that.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You kept fishing for it in another thread, vellocet. But maybe that is not what you meant. Maybe you just mean if a woman slaps you, you should have a right to slap back. Either way, it is not ok. I don't ignore violence from woman at all. I could accuse you of the same thing you just did me. And violence is emotional and physical and I have not once ignored violence from women. It is not appropriate either way.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Pooh Bear said:


> You kept fishing for it in another thread, vellocet.


No, I didn't. So I'm still waiting.




> But maybe that is not what you meant. Maybe you just mean if a woman slaps you, you should have a right to slap back.


Post my words here to which you are referring.




> Either way, it is not ok. I don't ignore violence from woman at all.


Yes, you do. If I'm wrong, then please show me where you took a woman to task for physically hitting a man.




> I could accuse you of the same thing you just did me.


No, you can't. Why? Because if you read my responses earlier to nohope, you'll see that I jumped his crap for being physically violent.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

OP, let's assume that you are correct with everything you say, that still doesn't change the fact that your childr(en) need AT LEAST one parent that will act with self-discipline and restraint for their benefit. If you are unable to do that, then please seek help, and in doing so will put you in good standing with the court as someone who own his $hit.

Use your anger to propel you in positive ways and not in negative ways that will eventually leave you a very lonely, bitter and resentful man.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

vellocet said:


> No, I didn't. So I'm still waiting.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


It was the Jezebel thread, vellocet. I really don't think I've seen a woman talking about becoming physical with her partner in these threads. I have seen men talk about emotional and financial abuse. I have seen women talk about their violent partners. And a man bragging about abuse against his partner. I have told multiple men that they don't deserve emotional abuse, they don't deserve financial abuse. And I could go back and search for those threads but I really don't care enough to prove it to you. 

It upset me in the Jezebel thread that anyone would say that I care about violence against women more than I do men. Ending domestic and sexual violence against anyone is something I am passionate about. I am so passionate, I started a group at my church to educate the congregation about dv and sa. And I put flyers on how to contact dv service providers in the women's and _men's_ bathrooms. So to accuse me of caring more about domestic violence against women than I do men was upsetting. But that accusation doesn't upset me anymore. You can believe what you want. I don't need to prove anything to you. And frankly, no one has talked about abuse of children. And that's where it starts. That is where we either learn to be violent or learn to be peaceful.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Pooh Bear said:


> It was the Jezebel thread, vellocet.


Ok, still waiting for you to post what I said if it supports your argument.




> I really don't think I've seen a woman talking about becoming physical with her partner in these threads.



There have been threads, here and others, that highlight physical violence by women and men. Remember the "do you hit your bf thread, we do" or whatever the title was.





> I have seen men talk about emotional and financial abuse. I have seen women talk about their violent partners. And a man bragging about abuse against his partner.


And notice the men in here jumped his sh*t, and nobody more than I. 



> I have told multiple men that they don't deserve emotional abuse, they don't deserve financial abuse. And I could go back and search for those threads but I really don't care enough to prove it to you.


I didn't ask you about emotional abuse. Anytime there is a discussion about physical violence from women, you sidestep questions, and avoid denouncing women for physical violence.

I even asked you in the other thread point blank about physically violent women and you just couldn't bring yourself to denounce them. You just said that men should walk away.



> It upset me in the Jezebel thread that anyone would say that I care about violence against women more than I do men.


I don't know about anyone saying that, but it was obvious you weren't going to denounce women for it.



> I don't need to prove anything to you


Because you can't. But god forbid you back up your own assertions


So now here we are off the trail.

So back to nohope, this very discussion the PB and I are having is why you need to abandon your thread, you aren't going to win no matter what you do.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Nohope, again, you are not going to be surrounded by anyone that will see it both ways, except for maybe a couple of people.

So with that, probably isn't much more on this thread for you. You could always start a new one, but then the same ones will be there making you out to be the bad guy.

You got some good advice, however, form a couple people, especially Elle. Mow it over


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

> Right. That's why you train yourself to control it. You should read "Emotional Intelligence" by Daniel Goleman. He talks about the fact that if you don't train your brain, the brain will take over. He calls it an "emotional hijacking." Parents are supposed to help children learn these things before they become adults so that they already have that in place and can control that emotional hijacking. But, unfortunately, a lot of parents never learned that themselves. So how can they teach their kids? But even if one never learned it we can teach ourselves to do it. I mean lots of people learn how to control themselves. If not most, if not all of us, would be in prison.


What a load of crap. To bad your pathetic argument is completely subjective. Everyone's brain is wired differently, genius. People don't just sit around and train themselves on how to control there mind. Everyone reacts different in any given situation, especially when one is subject to the fight or flight response. 

Lots of people learn how to control themselves and lots of people DO NOT. Self-defense is very broad and overly subjective. If a woman the same size of a man attacks him, he has multiple ways of defending himself based on what state he lives in. 

And more people would be in jail if these types of disputes were actually reported. Spouses are often physical but the cops never get involved. Why even try to attempt to argue something so subjective. Your argument is completely biased.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

wise said:


> What a load of crap. To bad your pathetic argument is completely subjective. Everyone's brain is wired differently, genius. People don't just sit around and train themselves on how to control there mind. Everyone reacts different in any given situation, especially when one is subject to the fight or flight response.
> 
> Lots of people learn how to control themselves and lots of people DO NOT. Self-defense is very broad and overly subjective. If a woman the same size of a man attacks him, he has multiple ways of defending himself based on what state he lives in.
> 
> And more people would be in jail if these types of disputes were actually reported. Spouses are often physical but the cops never get involved. Why even try to attempt to argue something so subjective. Your argument is completely biased.


You sound upset.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

*There have been threads, here and others, that highlight physical violence by women and men. Remember the "do you hit your bf thread, we do" or whatever the title was.*

That was the Jezebel thread. And I think you do remember what you said. Basically you asked the question if a woman slaps a man if it is justified for him to hit back. And it was obvious to me that you wanted a yes answer. But do you really think that philosophy matters more than actual abuse? We can talk philosophy all day. That doesn’t change the fact that actual people feel unsafe with their partners.

*I didn't ask you about emotional abuse.*

Emotional abuse is abuse. And if you talk to a lot of people they will say the emotional abuse is worse than the physical abuse. There are all kinds of abuse. And no one deserves to be abused. No matter what form.

*I don't know about anyone saying that, but it was obvious you weren't going to denounce women for it*

You just said it! And if you want to go and reread the Jezebel thread you are welcome to. You can see my responses.

*Because you can't. But god forbid you back up your own assertions*

I answered that question.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

wise said:


> What a load of crap. To bad your pathetic argument is completely subjective. Everyone's brain is wired differently, genius. People don't just sit around and train themselves on how to control there mind. Everyone reacts different in any given situation, especially when one is subject to the fight or flight response.
> 
> Lots of people learn how to control themselves and lots of people DO NOT. Self-defense is very broad and overly subjective. If a woman the same size of a man attacks him, he has multiple ways of defending himself based on what state he lives in.
> 
> And more people would be in jail if these types of disputes were actually reported. Spouses are often physical but the cops never get involved. Why even try to attempt to argue something so subjective. Your argument is completely biased.


No. We are all the same animal. And we all have the same type of brain structure. That's why they can do studies on the human brain and come up with assessments of what a human brain is like. We are unique in some ways and they don't completely understand the brain, of course. But we can all learn to control our actions. Different laws don't prove anything about whether people can control their actions or not. That's a totally separate thing.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Pooh Bear said:


> You need to learn the difference between self-defense and status. If a woman slaps you and you punch her that is not self-defense, it's status. If she corners with a knife and you have no possible way to leave the situation without pushing her or grabbing her arms then that is self-defense. And you're right. Society has a hard time believing that women are not the victimized party. Lizzy Borden got away with murder because no one could believe a woman could exert the amount of force she did to kill her parents. So you change society by starting to talk about the fact that women are not always the weaker sex and that men can be weak and that it is ok for a man to be weak. But none of you are talking about that because the fact is there is some benefit you gain from continuing the stereotypes of a weak woman vs a strong man. Instead, you talk about punching a woman for slapping you and you call that self-defense.


I agree with the bit about it being a status thing. Many men do it with anyone who challenges them physically. Parents of both sexes do it with children. And believe it or not children do it with other children. There is some ingrained biology at work there. Which is not to say that we don't have choices or control over our actions. We do. Violence is often used as an equalizer. That's why some children attack adults. They know that they are weaker physically but they will attack anyway because they feel powerless. Small animals will often attack their stalkers when they feel cornered. I bet if some men actually listened to how they speak to their female partners, not letting them walk away from arguments, badgering them until they they were a crying mess they would see that many times when a woman attacks a man she feels cornered either emotionally, physically or both. There are woman, of course, who do use physical attack to intimidate or control but they are in the minority.

Now the OP has had some really good advice here. He should heed it. Just because there may have been physical abuse on both sides does not mean that his ex was obligated to continue the cycle. I don't have statistics to back it up but it seems that couples where both sides are legitimately abusing one another that the only way to break the cycle is to flee (which can cause stalking) or to file a report and a restraining order. That's the only way it stops. I know that the OP may never forgive her. But whether he does or not, the cycle has been broken. Which is a good thing.


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

is it ilegal to tell her family a very bad secret i know of hers?.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

n0H0pe said:


> it is ilegal to tell her family a very bad secret i know of hers?.


What's the secret?


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

something very bad im not telling here.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

If you want us to help you then you must tell us.

Remember it's all anonymous here.

That means we don't know who you are and you don't know who we are.


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

you dont need to know...its ilegal or not to send an email to her family telling the secret.thats all i need to know.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Depends on what the secret is.

It's like saying I have a problem please help me fix it but you don't say what the problem is.


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

stop being noisy i wont tell here and thats final.whatever the secret is can i tell her family without legal consecuences or not.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

n0H0pe said:


> you dont need to know...its ilegal or not to send an email to her family telling the secret.thats all i need to know.


That just sounds like a low life thing to do. 

If you are trying to prove you are not a malicious abusive, controlling man then you have not succeeded with that post. It comes off as what a typical abuser would do. 

You have a child, grow up and take the high road.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Oh, now I get why the ex did what she did.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If she is molesting kids or steeling money from old folks you should expose this to the police.

If it's illegal why even bother with her family why aren't you calling the cops?


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

the guy said:


> If she is molesting kids or steeling money from old folks you should expose this to the police.
> 
> If it's illegal why even bother with her family why aren't you calling the cops?


I don't think he cares if what she is doing illegal. He wants to know if contacting her family with the express purpose of revealing a secret is illegal. (Like would it violate his restraining order.) At least that what it seems to me...otherwise he just wants to smear her to her own family...rip away her suport system.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

n0H0pe said:


> you dont need to know...its ilegal or not to send an email to her family telling the secret.thats all i need to know.


Read the restraining order. It probably says something about not harassing people ... like her and her family. It could be seen as harassment.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

n0H0pe said:


> is it ilegal to tell her family a very bad secret i know of hers?.


No. But don't bother. It doesn't matter what the secret is. You aren't going to win.

You are going to have to just sit idle by and let it play out. You are going to have to let her do whatever it is she is going to do and you are going to have to take it because you are a man.

All you can do is stay away from her, do not contact her, and let your attorney do the talking.

Stay away from her, do not contact her and have your attorney make sure any child visitation is enforced.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

the guy said:


> If she is molesting kids or steeling money from old folks you should expose this to the police.
> 
> If it's illegal why even bother with her family why aren't you calling the cops?


Yes,THIS. If this is something that she is doing that is illegal, or especially detrimental to the kids, then contact the authorities. Do not contact her parents. No matter how bad it is, they are going to be on her side.

If you want to PM me I can advise you there. I cannot divulge the contents of any PM you send or I would be banned. So you wouldn't have to worry about me posting it here or PMing someone else about it.

It would be like lawyer/client privilege.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

*LittleDeer* said:


> That just sounds like a low life thing to do.
> 
> If you are trying to prove you are not a malicious abusive, controlling man then you have not succeeded with that post.


You wouldn't see him as anything but an abuser if he had been sliced from ahole to elbow with a kitchen knife by her.

Why don't you leave him alone?


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

vellocet said:


> Yes,THIS. If this is something that she is doing that is illegal, or especially detrimental to the kids, then contact the authorities. Do not contact her parents. No matter how bad it is, they are going to be on her side.
> 
> If you want to PM me I can advise you there. I cannot divulge the contents of any PM you send or I would be banned. So you wouldn't have to worry about me posting it here or PMing someone else about it.
> 
> It would be like lawyer/client privilege.


is not about winning anything. is about a little payback something for me.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

n0H0pe said:


> is not about winning anything. is about a little payback something for me.


Well if its just about "payback", then don't do it. Hold yourself to a higher standard.

Besides, her family isn't going to care. They will side with her.

Again, just go no contact with her, let the attorneys do the talking. Stay away from her. You are probably being baited.


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

they wont care. but it will hurt badly.and thats the idea.im not going to contact her i dont need jail time ok?.i might leave for later thought.


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

vellocet said:


> Well if its just about "payback", then don't do it. Hold yourself to a higher standard.
> 
> Besides, her family isn't going to care. They will side with her.
> 
> Again, just go no contact with her, let the attorneys do the talking. Stay away from her. You are probably being baited.


hold yourself to higher standard like she did right?. instead of ending things ourselfs. she had to go and get the system involve and screw me me over with the same result.and i have to be nice and civil yeah right.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

n0H0pe said:


> hold yourself to higher standard like she did right?.


Trust me, I understand where you are coming from. But like I said. You are the man and even though you both were physically abusive, she is not going to get any consequences for her actions. 

There is no winning her for you. Only degrees of losing.

You want to "win" something? Then like I said, you stay away from her. Ignore her the best you can.

Then later, for example, if she tries something like denying you access to your kids when there is a custody/visitation agreement in place, you can have her held in contempt of court.

Play it smart. Let HER dig the hole. And yes, hold yourself to a higher standard. Its just like with a cheater. You don't go out and become one yourself. You simply would have become no better and lost the ability to argue anything without being a hypocrite.

You have already been baited by her. Take that power away. Don't give the cops or anyone anything that can be used against you.



> instead of ending things ourselfs. she had to go and get the system involve and screw me me over with the same result.and i have to be nice and civil yeah right.


No no NO. You do not have to be nice and civil. You just have to ignore her. If you go to pick up your kids, you don't have to be nice. You don't even have to be civil. You just refrain from saying anything to her. Like I said, play this smart. Don't give her ammunition, be patient, and let her slip up....and believe me, if your description of things are correct...she will. Its just a matter of time.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Vel, he's too obsessed about getting revenge and seems like he doesn't care about fighting back and protecting his assets or even getting even legally through the courts. 

He's not fighting a good fight because he is too obsessed in retaliating. I deal with people like this in my job and they usually end up in jail or lose everything.

One person here, Erudite ???, took a jab at him as though she deserved a 'support system'. If her restraining order was BS and simply a legal maneuver based on false pretenses, then she doesn't deserve a support system. 

I agree with you, Vel in everything you said in your last post.. Unfortunately, this guy has a one track mind and isn't going to win this fight because he doesn't know how to fight intelligently. You, me and Ele have advised him well. It's not sinking in.

Again Nohope, what is your gameplan if you have one ???


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

wmn1, I know. And I understand his frustrations.

Just trying to get him to play this smart. I'm still going to try to get him to see that. Problem is what fuels his fire for this even more are those that will ignore his wife's physical abuse and put this all on him. And her restraining order may not be fraudulent, but it ignores her physical violence. She needs one as well.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

n0H0pe said:


> is not about winning anything. is about a little payback something for me.


Focusing on payback won't make you feel better, just bitter.

"The best revenge is living well". Truly it is. 

I still think for the sake of your child civil is the way to go. That doesn't mean NICE. It means not arguing in front of the child, ignoring her for the most part except nodding hello when you meet to get your things or pick up the child.

The best revenge is showing up to pick up your child one day in a nice car or with a super hot woman by your side. Whatever would show her that you are MUCH better off without her. 

You'll feel better about the kind of person you are and the example you are setting for your child. Although I don't think you seem to care about either of those.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

nohope, you have those in here that you will be wrong no matter the circumstance, and you have those in here like Elle and Enjoli that have given you fantastic advice.

Take it and run with it. I know you don't see it now, and all that she is doing seems really unfair, but what we are telling you will pay off in the end. I know you can't see it, but its there.


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

Has she contacted you in any way (since I last posted to you) that has been negatory or inflammatory in any fashion? 

What people here are trying to get you to do is to calm down and use that energy that you are directing at her towards getting things ready for you. All this energy you are expending towards being madder than hell is only going to hurt you in the long run. That is not going to do you or your child any good whatsoever. 

How is your child doing?


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

wmn1 said:


> Vel, he's too obsessed about getting revenge and seems like he doesn't care about fighting back and protecting his assets or even getting even legally through the courts.
> 
> He's not fighting a good fight because he is too obsessed in retaliating. I deal with people like this in my job and they usually end up in jail or lose everything.
> 
> ...


She doesn't deserve a support system? If everything is as mutual as he claims then what is he doing here? He doesn't even deserve the emotional support system from this board! The fact is everyone deserves a support system. Just not a support system who blows smoke up their behinds. He does not want to be defined by his worst moments, she has the same right. This is what domestic violence does. If she had tried to end things just between them things would have escalated. He is plotting revenge as best he can with the limits placed on him by the law. Imagine what would be done if he didn't have those restrictions?!?!!? 

I understand that we are obligated to take people at their word barring another perspective. It helps when that person accepts that he played a part in how things turned out however lopsidedly unfair hings may be.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

vellocet said:


> You wouldn't see him as anything but an abuser if he had been sliced from ahole to elbow with a kitchen knife by her.
> 
> Why don't you leave him alone?


Because he isn't posting about actions that he is taking to make things right with his own life or to make the life of his child any easier. It's all about him and his need for "a little payback". What if he is lying and his ex was right? What would his posts sound like then? Right. They would sound almost scary.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Erudite said:


> She doesn't deserve a support system?


She isn't the one who has the restraining order against her even though she is just as guilty of physical violence as he.

They BOTH needed to spend some time in jail over that. 



> He does not want to be defined by his worst moments, she has the same right.


Oh, you really are one biased individual. Have you even read what she is doing to him?

They BOTH are in the wrong, but HE is the one that she is trying to destroy. She should have a restraining order against her as well. They BOTH should have gone to jail for physical violence.





> This is what domestic violence does. If she had tried to end things just between them things would have escalated.


Now its obvious you didn't read a thing he posted about the situation. 




> It's all about him and his need for "a little payback".


Which if you would have bothered to read what we are telling him, you'll see that we are trying to steer him away from that. He is hurting, angry, and justifiably so. He has done a HUGE screwup to allow any kind of physical violence, if it could have been avoided(i.e. defense), even in light of her physical violence. He needs to take responsibility for his actions, but his feelings on the unfairness of what is going on based on her being no better in the physical violence arena are not unjustified.

The rest of us, with the exception of a couple other biased individuals, can see that they BOTH are in the wrong, but somehow HE is the only one really suffering any consequences.


But you are obviously biased, so I'm done with you.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

vellocet said:


> wmn1, I know. And I understand his frustrations.
> 
> Just trying to get him to play this smart. I'm still going to try to get him to see that. Problem is what fuels his fire for this even more are those that will ignore his wife's physical abuse and put this all on him. And her restraining order may not be fraudulent, but it ignores her physical violence. She needs one as well.


She took the steps to stop the cycle of abuse. I imagine the courts would not look upon her favorably if she was contacting him even though she had a restraining order on him. That could land her in serious trouble. So in terms of "she deserves one too" she kind of does already have one. If your saying that she should be restricted from her child for the same reasons he is I would question if that would be best for the child now that the parents are not interacting and a potentially volatile situation is diffused. OP could easily argue in court that she is no better than he is and then run the risk that the child live without both parents. He would be better off trying to prove parental alienation, and regaining visitation, than trying to prove that she was "just as bad" as he.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Some people really need to do a better job of reading and not posting things that weren't said.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

vellocet said:


> She isn't the one who has the restraining order against her even though she is just as guilty of physical violence as he.
> 
> They BOTH needed to spend some time in jail over that.
> 
> ...


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

AlisonBlaire said:


> Has she contacted you in any way (since I last posted to you) that has been negatory or inflammatory in any fashion?
> 
> What people here are trying to get you to do is to calm down and use that energy that you are directing at her towards getting things ready for you. All this energy you are expending towards being madder than hell is only going to hurt you in the long run. That is not going to do you or your child any good whatsoever.
> 
> How is your child doing?


she isnt going to contact me one last time...shes happy posting instagram pictures of her single new life pretending i never existed acting all cool.hows my son? who knows hes her property im not allow to see him until her behind says so.i saw him once in a month.for 2 hours haha 2 hours she gave me with the boy.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

n0H0pe said:


> .hows my son? who knows hes her property im not allow to see him until her behind says so.i saw him once in a month.for 2 hours haha 2 hours she gave me with the boy.


You need to fight this. That's what lawyers and courts are for. 

Don't just roll over and take it. If you do, you'll lose your child.

It almost happened to me.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

:iagree:

Agreed. nohope, you need to get your attorney on this ASAP. 

What she is doing is abusing the kids by keeping them from their father.

Get a custody/visitation agreement in place, and if she violates that down the road, then you could very well end up with custody.


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

shes saying im a danger to him and im not able to take care of him which is al false obviously.i was told to take a course counseling for that even tho i dont need it..but i would do it just to shut her up.any ideas where to go for that?.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

n0H0pe said:


> shes saying im a danger to him and im not able to take care of him which is al false obviously


Sounds like an attorney has gotten her ear. 

It may be false but you may have the burden of proof.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

vellocet said:


> You wouldn't see him as anything but an abuser if he had been sliced from ahole to elbow with a kitchen knife by her.
> 
> Why don't you leave him alone?


I can participate in any thread I want. 

I certainly would see him as an abused person if what he said made sense. He abused his wife he's admitted that. So he is an abuser. He claims she abused him too, yet his wife has the bruises. I'm doubting she was stronger than him. 

I can tell you if I tried to physically harm my partner he'd laugh at me. Not to say it never happen but not very often. 

He's also posted about revenge and making her pay. That's what a lot of abusers do. 

He's continuing his pattern of abuse right here on this thread. 

Your bias is clearly showing. As I don't believe that many people would read this thread and think that this story adds up. 

JMO


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

little deer go away ok?.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> He's also posted about revenge and making her pay. That's what a lot of abusers do.
> 
> He's continuing his pattern of abuse right here on this thread.
> 
> ...


It adds up. I've been the recipient of a false restraining order used as a tactic to gain the upper hand in a divorce and child custody and I totally get it.

The guy made a few mistakes but he's been knocked on his a$$, kicked out of his house and can't even see his son, and he has no idea where his life is headed. He's scared, he's furious, and he wants to get even with the source of his frustrations. It doesn't make it right, it's not in his best interests to do it, but it's understandable that he feels that way, and it does not make him an abuser. 

Your posts toward this man are antagonistic and unwarranted.


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

n0H0pe said:


> she isnt going to contact me one last time...shes happy posting instagram pictures of her single new life pretending i never existed acting all cool.hows my son? who knows hes her property im not allow to see him until her behind says so.i saw him once in a month.for 2 hours haha 2 hours she gave me with the boy.


If she is posting any pictures that show her acting anything other than a lady, this might be something to help you with. If she is just acting properly, I don't imagine that would be any help... I am glad that you were able to see your son, but I'm sorry that it was for such a short time.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

vellocet said:


> wmn1, I know. And I understand his frustrations.
> 
> Just trying to get him to play this smart. I'm still going to try to get him to see that. Problem is what fuels his fire for this even more are those that will ignore his wife's physical abuse and put this all on him. And her restraining order may not be fraudulent, but it ignores her physical violence. She needs one as well.


:iagree:


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Focusing on payback won't make you feel better, just bitter.
> 
> "The best revenge is living well". Truly it is.
> 
> ...


I agree Enjoli:smthumbup:


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

lenzi said:


> It adds up. I've been the recipient of a false restraining order used as a tactic to gain the upper hand in a divorce and child custody and I totally get it.
> 
> The guy made a few mistakes but he's been knocked on his a$$, kicked out of his house and can't even see his son, and he has no idea where his life is headed. He's scared, he's furious, and he wants to get even with the source of his frustrations. It doesn't make it right, it's not in his best interests to do it, but it's understandable that he feels that way, and it does not make him an abuser.
> 
> Your posts toward this man are antagonistic and unwarranted.


:iagree:

I have too. In fact, countless times I have had to enforce these orders when my stomach turned as I was doing so. As a cop, I feel it's my job to leave a situation better than when I entered it. After 6 years of working in DV as a specialist there, I couldn't handle it anymore because of the abuse of the system so I transferred out. Sadly, there were many legit cases and many BS ones and you feel good in the first scenario and feel like crap in the other ones. 

I will give you an example. One night, we got a protective order and warrant against a guy who was a former NFL player. 6'4" 285 lbs and this guy could still bench 475 lbs. His 5'3" 120 lb wife claimed he hit her in the face and dragged her down two flights of stairs. When interviewing her, she had no injuries or bruised. he was worth about 6 mil. He got kicked out of his house for a year. Judges are worried about liability and rubber stamped the order. She the filed for divorce and had a boyfriend within a week though those who knew both said she was cheating on him for a month prior. He did ok in the divorce settlement but it was clearly a power play. I offered to testify for him in the divorce case which helped. I was politically punished for crossing the line but I would do it again in a heartbeat. 

I have probably 50 stories I could share on this thread about the abuses. Special interests and self enrichment by all different parties in these cases muddy the system which was intended initially to be a good tool in this area but now has turned the system into a mockery. We all complain about it at work but our job is enforcement, not to put our own opinions into these cases. 

Justice is supposed to be blind. It is not always. 

I think nohope may be getting screwed here but he has to lawyer up and fight back. he's not doing that. It is the only way to do it.

I hope he's listening.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

n0H0pe said:


> shes saying im a danger to him and im not able to take care of him which is al false obviously.i was told to take a course counseling for that even tho i dont need it..but i would do it just to shut her up.any ideas where to go for that?.


If you have never abused HIM, that won't hold water. Is he old enough to talk? 

I disagree on counseling - I think you DO need it - because you need to learn to process your anger. You admit you hit her instead of walking away. (I'm not taking her side - she should get help, too - she shouldn't have hit you, either, and she should also get help - she could just as easily hit your son next time she gets angry with him.) 

But if you disagree with that line of thought, how about you go to counseling to show you are willing to do whatever it takes to see your son. The counselor can make recommendations to the court and if the counselor sees you are being reasonable and rational and aren't a danger to your son, that would help your case IMMENSELY. It's a way to get all of your side heard and represented.


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## n0H0pe (Mar 2, 2015)

any ideas where to go for it?also i wont paying her internet,electric bill how do i transfer those to her without contacting her?.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

*LittleDeer* said:


> I can participate in any thread I want.
> 
> I certainly would see him as an abused person if what he said made sense. He abused his wife he's admitted that. So he is an abuser. He claims she abused him too, yet his wife has the bruises. I'm doubting she was stronger than him.
> 
> ...


Yup, more "man is bad" crap.

My bias? Oh dear dear Little Deer. You obviously haven't read a thing I posted. I took him to task for his physical violence. Downright jumped his shyte for it. But you can just gloss over that. I have jumped him for his abuse. You going to denounce her for what she has done? Of course you aren't. You are going to put this ALL on him...that evil evil man!!

Now he is being dragged through the ringer and needs support on how NOT to go off the deep end and do something stupid. I'm advising him to stay away from her and let his lawyer do the talking.

Sorry, you of all people have no business talking about bias beings your only purpose for being at this site is to man rant.

Thanks god for women like Enjoli and Elle.

I'm done with you.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

n0H0pe said:


> any ideas where to go for it?also i wont paying her internet,electric bill how do i transfer those to her without contacting her?.


Talk to your attorney, do exactly as he/she says.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

n0H0pe said:


> any ideas where to go for it?also i wont paying her internet,electric bill how do i transfer those to her without contacting her?.


Do you have an attorney? You could give your attorney a letter that he/she could forward to her.

Or you could just turn them off and then let her worry about getting them turned back on in her name.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

lenzi said:


> It adds up. I've been the recipient of a false restraining order used as a tactic to gain the upper hand in a divorce and child custody and I totally get it.
> 
> The guy made a few mistakes but he's been knocked on his a$$, kicked out of his house and can't even see his son, and he has no idea where his life is headed. He's scared, he's furious, and he wants to get even with the source of his frustrations. It doesn't make it right, it's not in his best interests to do it, but it's understandable that he feels that way, and it does not make him an abuser.
> 
> Your posts toward this man are antagonistic and unwarranted.


:iagree:

Bumped for truth.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

n0H0pe said:


> any ideas where to go for it?also i wont paying her internet,electric bill how do i transfer those to her without contacting her?.


I wouldn't cut them off without notifying her. It would look bad to the courts for you to do that while the child is living with her. Read the restraining order. Does it only say you can't phone her or be within 100 ft? Or does it block all contact? If it's just physical boundary then does she have an email account? Or you could contact the service providers and give them her phone number and they might be able to advise her that service will terminate in X number of days unless she transfers financial responsibility over.

As for counseling ideas, I find United Family Services very helpful. They are part of United Way and work on a sliding scale. They are used to contentious divorces and often work with the courts for just these types of situations, including anger management and/or facilitating supervised visitation. They also have techniques of dealing with very young children by using toys, dolls and art supplies to have them draw things or express situations through play.

For instance, even if your child is a toddler, a good counselor could ask him to take two dolls and show how mommy and daddy fight. If the child shows mommy hitting daddy, too, this could be really useful. They could ask the child to show what happens when they get in trouble. If the child shows the parent doll yelling but not hitting, that could be another important factor for a counselor to take note of. And the counselor can make recommendations to the courts. They won't betray confidences or say what you've told them or what your child has said but they can certainly say if there's something to be concerned about or not.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

n0H0pe said:


> any ideas where to go for it?also i wont paying her internet,electric bill how do i transfer those to her without contacting her?
> 
> 
> EnjoliWoman said:
> ...


I second this. As much as you want to cut off those accounts, you just can't do it. Imagine how it will look to a judge, and believe me if she's got a good attorney they will try to make you look like a horrible person, don't give them any more ammo.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Nohope, listen to all the above.

Do not engage her, and do not to anything first without speaking to your attorney.

If she tries to engage you, tell her to speak to you through the attorneys.

If she tries to bait you into anything, do not say anything. DOCUMENT IT with dates and times for your attorney.

Trust me, as much as you'd like to lash out for what she is doing to you....control yourself and do it the smart way.
Let her dig a hole for herself.

Especially where your children are concerned. What she is now doing is abusing them by keeping you from them. Make sure your attorney plays this up and goes for the throat on that issue.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

lenzi said:


> It adds up. I've been the recipient of a false restraining order used as a tactic to gain the upper hand in a divorce and child custody and I totally get it.
> 
> The guy made a few mistakes but he's been knocked on his a$$, kicked out of his house and can't even see his son, and he has no idea where his life is headed. He's scared, he's furious, and he wants to get even with the source of his frustrations. It doesn't make it right, it's not in his best interests to do it, but it's understandable that he feels that way, and it does not make him an abuser.
> 
> Your posts toward this man are antagonistic and unwarranted.


You sound upset.


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