# Being Divorced



## Jellybeans

For those of you who have made it to the Other Side...

Do you feel there is a stigma attached to being divorced?

Do you feel, when talking to friends or family, married couples, etc. that they attribute something negative to you/the situation because you are divorced?


----------



## everafter

Yes! My side of the family initially seemed to blame me. It was only after I supplied the details that they warmed up to me again. (I do bear some responsibility--maybe 5%!) 
I work w/ alot of seniors, and most of them look like it's quite distasteful or even repugnant that I am divorced. Some actually flinch. But once in awhile I get a "congratulations"
I don't get a sense of that from people my age or younger.


----------



## Paradise

Jelly, you must have been listening to a conversation I was just having with a friend of mine who is also divorced a few days ago! She's a teacher like I am and we were talking about friends and parents of students looking at us differently. We both questioned whether it was a perceived issue based on how we use to feel about those who are divorced but it was a challenging conversation. 

Still, feels like I am in some special club that I never signed up for.


----------



## COguy

Ironically, I am a perpetrator of this judgement, so I expect others to do the same to me.

When someone tells me they're getting divorced I immediately think, "What's wrong with them? What did they do to let that happen?"

Now that I've been used and abused, I think my new reaction is to try to lump people into three groups:

a. Abusive/not mature enough to be in a relationship
b. Not willing to compromise or work things out
c. Self-esteem, insecurities, or poor decision making that allowed them to get involved with someone that they never should have

It's shameful I know, but it's the truth. Most importantly is discovering if people actually learned anything from their divorce. So many people just blame and blame and then never change their actions. But everyone has their part to play in the breakdown, even if it is as simple as sticking up for yourself.


----------



## Jellybeans

Paradise said:


> Still, feels like I am in some special club that I never signed up for.


:iagree:


----------



## nice777guy

Yes - I do feel this way - and I'm not really sure why.


----------



## Shoeguy

> Now that I've been used and abused, I think my new reaction is to try to lump people into three groups:
> 
> a. Abusive/not mature enough to be in a relationship
> b. Not willing to compromise or work things out
> c. Self-esteem, insecurities, or poor decision making that allowed them to get involved with someone that they never should have


Coguy,

I get where you are coming from but can't there be a fourth bucket
d. Grown apart? I don't think that should be lumped into a poor decision per se.

Now that I'm older and gained some wisdom I think I might have married too early. I was married a month after college. We were married for 18 years and dated 4 years prior to that. We were kids then. 

I hate the fact that we are not still married but I'm trying not to stew about what if's. I did that for months and never got anywhere. 

Maybe room for another catagory?


----------



## Jellybeans

Satya said:


> The best thing ever is when someone goads you into saying you're divorced, then their response is,* "Oh, what happened?" * I don't think many of them are prepared for the kind of floodgate I open from that innocent little question.


LOL. I never go into a ton of details. I have a million ways of answering that question but when I'm annoyed I simply state "The same thing that happens to everyone else who gets divorced--it didn't work out." 

Forever is such a joke.


----------



## trapped1

Jellybeans, although I'm not technically divorced yet, I just want to mention that for my next partner, not only will I consider someone who is divorced, but will actually see this as a plus.

I like the idea of someone not being under any illusions of what's REALLY required in a successful relationship.


----------



## hope4family

I am not divorced yet, but already I am prepping myself for the stigma. Maybe if I do, afterwards won't be so bad.


----------



## ImStillHere

I have my own (self-imposed) stigma. Trying to work that out with myself. 

But, yes, I'm reluctant to tell others that I'm divorced. An exchange that I had the other day: 


Her: How is life? What's going on?
Me: Well, I've started a new chapter. My husband and I recently divorced.
Her: _Already?!_ (her comment was in regards to the length of my marriage...barely 4.5 years)
Me: **embarrassed smile** Yes. XH didn't want to be married anymore...at least not to me. He wanted to check out other people's grass. 
Her: Well, my experience has been that you're better off by yourself in the long run. (she's in her late 40's) 
Me: (thinking to myself: Grrrreeaaaatttt... )


----------



## Lon

I honestly can't tell what people think of my current marital status... I haven't really felt judged at all actually, older generations married and divorced alike seem like they have a lot of knowledge about divorce either personally or through close friends' whose marriages didn't work out over the years so it almost seems as if there is some sympathy. On the other hand younger ones, especially newlyweds don't really want to broach the subject.

As for my own view of other divorcees, I can say that I tend to be less skeptical of my view of their experiences, more willingness to show understanding than before my own divorce, and certainly less afraid to talk about divorce in general.

For awhile I actually had "divorced" as my facebook relationship status, maybe to let my few facebook friends and family know I was rebounding, but I recently decided to just remove my relationship statues, not that it really matters because everyone on my facebook knows me in person.


----------



## Shooboomafoo

Yes. And since the stigma that "men" cheat more than women is still so prevelent one can almost see the change in their eyes when they hear that about you. 
Other times, I think, that women see my lack of wedding ring, and think geee, whats wrong with that guy, middle aged, and still single? I imagine they think I spend all night alone in a dark room posting on forums. OHHH SNAP!!!


----------



## Jellybeans

trapped1 said:


> Jellybeans, although I'm not technically divorced yet, I just want to mention that for my next partner, not only will I consider someone who is divorced, but will actually see this as a plus.
> 
> I like the idea of someone not being under any illusions of what's REALLY required in a successful relationship.


This is an interesting thought process. But I guess it's the same as people saying they would never be with someone who's never gbeen in a long-term or committed relationship before.



ImStillHere said:


> Her: How is life? What's going on?
> Me: Well, I've started a new chapter. My husband and I recently divorced.
> Her: _Already?!_ (her comment was in regards to the length of my marriage...barely 4.5 years)
> Me: **embarrassed smile** Yes. XH didn't want to be married anymore...at least not to me. He wanted to check out other people's grass.
> Her: Well, my experience has been that you're better off by yourself in the long run. (she's in her late 40's)
> Me: (thinking to myself: Grrrreeaaaatttt... )


You've got to learn to get sassy with it. When she said "Already!" You should have smirked and said "Yes, Already!" with big eyes mirroring how ridiculous she sounded. 
And when she said it's better off being alone in the long run you shoulda said "I've decided to take on a string of lovers" and winked at her. LOL. 

I have a joke with one of my good friends that goes something like "Oooh maybe I"ll meet my future ex husband tonight. I'm excited!" LOL. 



Shooboomafoo said:


> I imagine they think I spend all night alone in a dark room posting on forums. OHHH SNAP!!!


:rofl: Good one, Shoo!


----------



## sammy3

I’m just starting to tell people I am separated from my husband of 28 yrs.

Most are completely shocked,(to put it mildly),as we were looked at as the perfect couple who had it all. 

I know they are so eager to know why, so I’ll add, "we are living apart.” I smile and immediately ask them how they are ...

But, yeah, 18 months out, & it’s still a journey,one I too, never registered for !

I do know now, the first thing,I take note of when I see a man hands, a ring or not ...and I sigh,never believing... I have “that sigma” now ... 

~sammy


----------



## proudwidaddy

Now that I'm in the dating world after being married 9 years, and recently divorced, I kinda think the opposite way.....if a person is in their mid 30's and hasn't been married what is wrong with them 

Messed up thinking right?


----------



## Shoeguy

Well all have good points, which is typical for this site which is also reason I like it here.

I haven't truly commented about the original question so I guess I will now.

Personally I tend to air it out quickly when talking to old friends that I don't think know. I state it quickly and then put my own spin on the situation. I find it opens all sort of great conversation avenues.

Friend: "Hey shoeguy hows it going. We haven't talked for a long time"
Me: "Going good. Not much going on"
Friend: "Whats new? How's the family?"
Me: "Kids are ok but Ex and I have divorced and I seem to be doing just fine".
Friend: "Man I thought you guys would stay together for ever."
Me: "Yep me too but we didn't and I've got a whole new perspective on life. Kids are doing fine so got that base covered and now I can spend time doing whatever I'd like. It is actually a wonderful place I'm trying to get used too."
Friend: "Oh that's cool."
the conversation can go anywhere from here.

I think when you state it right out there you get to push the conversation in whichever direction you want. If you throw it out there waiting for a reaction you have no control where it goes. Someone mentioned a person frowning. In the case of the frown you wonder what they thought when you said you were divorced. In my case above I said it and then got to pep myself up a little by talking about the positive aspects of being single which they take with them after we are done talking. Later on that person may talk to someone else and say "Geez, I heard Shoeguy is divorced but he says and appears to be doing great."

I used to care a lot about what my perception was to other people. What I have been finding out since my divorce is that I don't need to worry about what they think because I'm stronger now. I have learned to depend on me which is a work in progress. I think when you depend on yourself more than anything else then other peoples perceptions or influences matter less.

I did some hindsighting about my time I went through my dark months post divorce where I cried and thought everything was hopeless because I only knew being married. What I saw was I started getting better only after I shifted my thinking from what I lost or used to do to why can't I do this myself.

I slowly got more confident about doing things around the house. Things as simple as eating a good dinner at a reasonable hour and not ordering pizza or laundry or making the bed. Heck, I didn't have any pictures on my walls for 6 months. They were all stacked on the dining room table just collecting dust. It was a bad time in my life but now I wouldn't change it.

I'm rambling now I think so I'll stop and leave something for later. LOL

Take care,

Shoeguy


----------



## sammy3

So positive Shoeguy ! ... I too am starting look at it now as “adding” to myself, not “losing" myself ...((for the most part, lol)

~sammy


----------



## Jellybeans

If you respond to it in an upbeat manner, people will take your lead. If you are all doom and gloom about it, people will feel that way about it too. 

It's all a matter of how you approach it.


----------



## Shoeguy

Took me a long time to be positive about it sammy. I'm tired of the negative doom and gloom side of it. This site helps alot.

I still get the occasional relaps but those are getting farther apart. I was seperated in Feb of 2011 and divorced in April.

Jelly's right about it all being how you approach it. She said the cliff notes version of what I was hoping to say. I think I lost course early on in my post. I'm a numbers guy not a words dude anyway. LOL

Later.


----------



## 5Creed

Yes I do; but I can relate to a lot of what Shoeguy said; I just am not caring as much about what people think of me. It has taken me a good year to get to this point-but my IC has helped me see that what other people think of me is not really that important. Most people are more concerned about my younger children and how they have adapted and I still once in awhile will have those thoughts about whether this was the right thing FOR THEM. But I know it was. They miss their Dad since we are living in a different state now, but this was his choice to not want to work on the marriage at the time so I keep that in mind that the decision I made was to do what was right for my family.


----------



## Holland

I am very happily divorced and embrace it. I know my ex feels some stigma and didn't want to have a failed marriage but I see it differently. We didn't have a failed marriage, our marriage just came to it's natural ending.

We have remained friends are very amicable (took a good year to get to this point) and we co parent well. Kids are happy, we are both happy and have both repartnered.

I honestly don't feel any stigma and if other people choose to look at me that way then that is their problem, I really don't care what others think.

At the start I was apprehensive about telling people and yes felt a bit of stigma but I got over that very quickly, life is short, I am happy and nothing else matters. I have learnt some fantastic life lessons through divorce so onwards and upwards for the next part of my life.


----------



## heartsbeating

Jellybeans said:


> This is an interesting thought process. But I guess it's the same as people saying they would never be with someone who's never gbeen in a long-term or committed relationship before.


My friend started dating a divorced guy with two kids. She was worried that he'd had all this experience of being in a marriage and she hadn't had a long-term relationship. My view on this, that I shared with her is, just because people have been in relationships doesn't necessarily mean they learned about themselves, or about the relationship. I wasn't suggesting this was the case with him, just that she had as much to offer him as he did her. They're now engaged. I adore them both (and his kids) and am so very happy for them. I don't attach a stigma to either of them. I just think they're wonderful people, and I'm happy for my friend.


----------



## Dollystanford

is there a stigma attached? Yes
do I care? NO!

the experience of marriage and divorce is just a small part of what makes up the fabulousness that is me right?


----------



## 2ntnuf

I was blamed for quite a bit by my family and coworkers. Seems they know everything about me. The trouble is, what they know is not correct. Some of it is twenty plus year old news that I have not been a part of. Some of it is just outright misinformation or lies believed. I am no longer able to speak much with my children and I do not see my grandchildren. I have been held back at work due to mental health issues which arose when my wife left. I cannot get a different job to get away from the harassment I receive from coworkers daily. My self esteem is gone. I pray every night that the Good Lord will take me. I cannot find peace. My life is over. Rumors have spread through the area where I live. I cannot even go out without seeing someone who knows personal stuff about me. My ex wife and almost all of my family do not know what I am going through. They do not have a clue how difficult life is. They say, "ignore them" or "why do you care what they think" , but they do not know what I go through.


----------



## ImStillHere

I'm sorry you're feeling like this, 2ntnuf. Are you in IC?


----------



## Nsweet

You better believe there is. 

I have to be very careful about which words I pick and choose when I let people know about my divorce, as well as my emotional state at the time. If I'm upset, I sound like some horrible monster that abused his poor helpless wife (right into the arms of whatever man was willing to believe her BS stories). And if I don't carefully word my story right certain people make remarks about me not being man enough to keep a woman happy (both men and women give this response). 

The only thing I found that works in keeping my dignity and telling my story is just omitting a lot of the details and saying she left me right after I got out of the Navy, that I spent two years trying to win her back becoming a better man in the process. And the time tested phrase everyone can respect "I was hurt, but I don't hold a grudge. It just wasn't meant to be..... and that's ok".


----------



## 36Separated

My wife has left me and currently in the process of divorce.. I feel that i have been outcast, esp when i take the kids to school on the days i have them, none of the other parents talk or even smile at me. She didnt leave me because i did anything bad, but that she fell out of love with me.


----------



## COguy

36Separated said:


> My wife has left me and currently in the process of divorce.. I feel that i have been outcast, esp when i take the kids to school on the days i have them, none of the other parents talk or even smile at me. She didnt leave me because i did anything bad, but that she fell out of love with me.


That's because they all know she was cheating on you.


----------



## southbound

I don't experience a lot of actual weird encounters, but there is still a weird feeling; maybe it's just in my head. I had a 'walk-away-wife." I didn't do anything terrible like cheat or abuse, but she still felt the need to leave me. I wonder if people think, "He must have really been a lousy husband for her to have left him without any major issues." "He must be a real loser."


----------



## LostOneForGood

Very Interesting Post! I had to chime in. I am 3 months separated and the "WAW" filed for "D" two weeks ago. I to did nothing major to deserve this. I got the ILYBNILWY crap! I knew her for six years before we married. I watched her go through two divorces and thought for sure she was mature enough to handle this, wrong!! She kept in contact with all kinds of single guy friends from high school. Pretty much EA through texting(evil) and FB(the evil of evil) She went out every night after the bomb drop with friends. She couldnt be there with me cuz it hurt to much, BS!!!

Anyway, her family was furious with her, they would not let her come live with them. Our friends would not talk to her. She had to make new friends and everyone, including her family came to my rescue. She just told me " I would not understand her feelings, I never could" Well she is right, because I am sain, I can think straight, hell no I wouldnt understand. My "D" will be final Nov 5th. I am scared to death of thinking about another R. I dont look the way i use to, she is still gorgeous, of course! So I to am in the "What to do now pool"


----------



## Nsweet

Yeah, they never warn these "good" little wives about the consequences of breaking up with/cheating on/or divorcing nice guys the family all loves. Unless they really believe the pity card, there's not a chance in hell they will take her side and forgive her for cheating on you or leaving the kids behind. She dug her own grave just like mine did and now she has to deal with the life altering mess she's made.


----------



## CSeryllum

Jellybeans said:


> For those of you who have made it to the Other Side...
> 
> Do you feel there is a stigma attached to being divorced?
> 
> Do you feel, when talking to friends or family, married couples, etc. that they attribute something negative to you/the situation because you are divorced?


First of all! Hello, Jellybean! Long time no see! I hope you are well 

To answer your question..."sometimes" is my answer.

Some people don't care. Some have been through it, and it's kind of a relief to meet other divorced people.

Then there are times where I meet people and they're put off by it. As if they're looking for someone that has never experienced "marriage" yet, so that they can get their fantasy version of the "Your my one-and-only" version of life. I've met women that were completely interested in my in every way, but when I said I was divorced, it all went down the drain. It's a shame, but some people are superficial in that way. Their loss!

When I hang out with married couples, sometimes I feel a little awkward, but not that often.

When I meet women, not girls, but WOMEN, I tell them up front. It's a little embarrassing, but it shouldn't be, so I come out with it. I find many women respect me more, especially when they ask about it and I say "Things don't always work out and that's life, it wasn't all bad because through marriage I learned a lot of things I never thought i'd learned, and even through divorce I grew as a person and that's something that will strengthen me and all of my future relationships."

I've also known guys who do the whole "It ruined my life, biggest mistake ever, I hate that Biatch, I don't think i'll ever trust another woman again"...

Fellas, nothing turns a woman off more, than pouring out your damage onto them. It tells them "Wow this guy doesn't have his act together...and I don't want him to be my dead-weight"

Sorry to kind of linger off topic Jellybean  I do that sometimes!

So in summation my answer is:

"sometimes" but not that frequently do I feel stigmatized.


----------



## chattycathy

Though about half the population who marries gets divorced, it IS a stigma.

No one would WANT to have a failed marriage.


----------



## Holland

chattycathy said:


> Though about half the population who marries gets divorced, it IS a stigma.
> 
> *No one would WANT to have a failed marriage*.


I have a totally different take on it. I think we set ourselves up for failure with marriage to start with. We change, life changes and marriages can come to their natural ending. If society did not have such unrealistic expectations of marriage and couples then more people would not use the word "failed" when referring to divorce.

We don't call a life long marriage where either or both partners are miserable long term but they stick it out regardless, a "failed" marriage. Yet I think to stay and suffer this type of marriage is far worse for all involved than having the guts to get a divorce.

I am happily divorced, I was happily married for part of it but my marriage came to its natural ending. I did not have a failed marriage, I had a emotionally healthy divorce.


----------



## brokenbythis

I plan to be honest with people: "My husband walked out on me and our child. He cheated and lied for years behind my back and I had no idea".

I did not make him do it. There were very few red flags, the flags I did see I asked him about and he told me lies which I believed, I mean, I trusted him we had been married for 12 yrs. That doesn't make me stupid. It makes me trusting like I trusted him. I only found out about the full extent of his lies and deception at the very end of our relationship. This was a man who had a complete secret life, he kept very well hidden from me and his family.

If people want to judge let them. I can't help what others think. I know what really happened and that's all that matters.


----------



## nice777guy

Dollystanford said:


> is there a stigma attached? Yes
> do I care? NO!
> 
> the experience of marriage and divorce is just a small part of what makes up the fabulousness that is me right?


Right! And an excellent point.

It is a part of who we all are. It just is.


----------



## Conrad

chattycathy said:


> Though about half the population who marries gets divorced, it IS a stigma.
> 
> No one would WANT to have a failed marriage.


I think one is now somewhat expected.

But NO ONE wants to have 2 failures.


----------



## Jellybeans

chattycathy said:


> Though about half the population who marries gets divorced, it IS a stigma.
> 
> No one would WANT to have a failed marriage.


It's not a secret that nobody goes into marriage thinking they will get divorced.

That isn't rocket science. 

And yet, half of all marriages end in divorce.


----------



## Jellybeans

CSeryllum said:


> First of all! Hello, Jellybean! Long time no see! I hope you are well
> 
> Some people don't care. Some have been through it, and it's kind of a relief to meet other divorced people.
> 
> Then there are times where I meet people and they're put off by it. As if they're looking for someone that has never experienced "marriage" yet, so that they can get their fantasy version of the "Your my one-and-only" version of life.



Hi CSeryllum! I am doing great! Hope you are, too.

I agree with ya--when you meet other divorced people, there is a commonality. I also like meeting them. Lol.

And I also agree on the never-marrieds or marrieds... the never marrieds can't relate at all (especially if they've never had a long term relationship) and the marrieds who have never been through a D, while, more power to them, have not experienced the "veil lift" that the rest of us have (the divorced). When you get divorced, a veil IS lifted. There is a very naive part of you that ceases to exist (that whole "my one and only" or "that would never happen to me" or "forever" sentiment). A part of that does die when you get a D and it's a fact. Lol. You just begin to see the world through a different lense. The world/how you view it becomes something different.


----------



## Nsweet

*What's there to be ashamed about?* I plan on using my divorce and heartbreak to my advantage. I've ben reading a few romance novels and watching daytime soaps from time to time just to see what the romantic ideal image is that women love. That's what I going to be!

Stop thinking of ways to criticize, now hear me out! I've already been trained to cook and clean without thinking, take care of a woman's needs in and out of the bedroom, and be comforting and passionate. But young women until about their thirties aren't interested in good guys who have these qualities. It's all about the challenge and trying to change exciting bad boys into husband material. Like teaching a brooding hero how to love again. Breaking in hardened warriors and getting them to change from "yes sir" to "yes dear". 

So, I'm going to use that to my advantage and be the exciting guy I was, but have that distant and serious side she melts away with her love. She won't know that I desperately want to say how I care about her, she'll just know I've been hurt and tell her "I don't want you to love me" "I don't know what love means anymore......". Ohh I got it! “When I tell a woman that I love her, it's because I'm also putting a ring on her finger. Those words are so important to me that I can only say them I mean them to last forever." Genius! 

Maybe make her wait to have sex...... and then after I'll get up and clean the kitchen because "Oh, baby that so good I felt like waking up early to clean the kitchen just so I could cook you breakfast"...... but cunnilingus doesn't count! She'll just think she did something to cure me. She won't know I've always been this way and want to listen to you talk about her day and cuddle. But I'll be a d!ck about it at first and refused to be dressed up or change..... maybe keep cuddling to a minimum until I feel comfortable, which isn't me pretending. After an abusive relationship I feel creeped out by girls being nice to me and not wanting anything.


----------



## working_together

It's an interesting question, I didn't really think of it as a stigma really, gosh, so many people get divorced now a days. What I do feel at times, is just an uncomfortable feeling around married couples, like the odd person out. For instance, my sister's long term b/f was having a suprise b-day at a restaurant. I declined, and did something else with her instead. I'm not ready to be in parties where I am the only single person, all their friends are couples. So, I guess the feeling comes from within myself really, not from others.

I have to say though, I really love meeting divorced with kids people, OMG, I can't believe the commonality in it all. We laugh, vent, etc. It's great.


----------



## ScarletBegonias

Jellybeans said:


> For those of you who have made it to the Other Side...
> 
> Do you feel there is a stigma attached to being divorced?
> 
> Do you feel, when talking to friends or family, married couples, etc. that they attribute something negative to you/the situation because you are divorced?


I feel there is for some people. i haven't experienced it personally.The only thing i've experienced is people suddenly feel the need to give me advice and shove me into the dating world.

I usually hear "wow you look amazing!divorce looks fabulous on you girl!" "so you traded that dog in for your rescue dogs eh?"


----------



## 3Xnocharm

I didnt feel before that there was a stigma attached with divorce, but now that I just went through my THIRD one, with this one lasting less than than a year, I know people are now wondering what the hell is wrong with me.  Me too actually.


----------



## Jellybeans

3X, why'd it end after a year? 

How long were your other marriages? How long in between?

Maybe you just ilke to get married?  Small joke.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Haha, maybe you're right!  Here is the link to my story thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/56070-just-divorced-my-story.html

My first marriage lasted 4 years. I remarried after almost 3, and the second lasted 5 years. I am the one who ended both of those marriages. Then it was four and a half years before I got married the third time. 

I have always wanted a good, solid marriage, it seems like such a simple life goal, doesnt it?? I have always just wanted ONE special partner, who would always be there for me, and me for him. It seems like everyone around me has gotten it right, and I just cant seem to. Everyone has someone, everyone is partnered.. I find myself looking at people's left hands to see rings, and am so envious that I am such a loser at this.


----------



## stillhoping

Stigma, yes, the sense that I "failed", yes, although it is going away. I have a high school reunion coming up and it is going to be uncomfortable to tell everyone that I am no longer married, even though I know it wasn't my idea, I never intended to be alone and would not have asked for the D. I am learning to enjoy my new status, still miss the ex but life goes on!


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Huh. I've never felt this way. Maybe it's because I'm in a metropolitan area? I know people in happy marriages and people who are divorced. And mixtures of 1st/2nd marriages. I don't give it a second thought. 

Now as a person who has dated, I do tend to ask a suitor what went wrong and what have they learned from it. Those answers will tell you a lot because I want someone who accepts some responsibility. Even though my ex was abusive, I know I did not sent good boundaries, I put his worth above my own and he knew it, and I taught him it was OK to treat me that way. And I got married so young I was naive to all of the above.

But I don't feel like I'm used goods, worse for wear or somehow damaged. I know there are always 2 sides to every story. Maybe it helps I'm rather diplomatic and empathetic by nature.


----------



## stillhoping

I went to the reunion and had a blast. And know what, while many old friends were surprised to hear about my D, there were many others who are also newly D. Must be something in the air or maybe a lot of people just get to a point in their lives and reconsider. Many people asked me what was wrong with him, they said, you are beautiful, smart and fun, he must be crazy! It was nice


----------



## Jellybeans

See? You survived the reunion! I remember when I went to mine--two people there were openly talking about getting/being divorced. (This was before my D).


----------



## Daisy82

EnjoliWoman said:


> Even though my ex was abusive, I know I did not sent good boundaries, *I put his worth above my own and he knew it, and I taught him it was OK to treat me that way.* And I got married so young I was naive to all of the above.
> 
> But I don't feel like I'm used goods, worse for wear or somehow damaged. I know there are always 2 sides to every story. Maybe it helps I'm rather diplomatic and empathetic by nature.


This never made sense to me before. I always thought he should have just done the right thing and taken my feelings into consideration. Now I am learning that stbxh cheated several times because from the beginning I showed him that no matter what he did, I would stand by him and was just so lucky to have him. Maybe that's why he was so shocked when I asked for a separation/divorce after 7.5 yrs of marriage...I was finally done letting him walk all over me.


----------



## Lon

women love getting married, not so much being married. With divorce, nobody likes getting divorced or being divorced. I guess everything is tilted towards getting married.


----------



## Jellybeans

Lon said:


> With divorce, nobody likes getting divorced or being divorced.


:iagree:

It isn't an enjoyable thing, that's for sure. Lol.


----------



## Dollystanford

I went to a wedding at the weekend where I saw all my old university buddies - known them for 20 years, no-one gives a monkeys! They were all 'welcome back' ha ha ha


----------



## Holland

Lon said:


> women love getting married, not so much being married. With divorce, nobody likes getting divorced or being divorced. I guess everything is tilted towards getting married.


Well yes and no. I didn't like getting divorced but I like being divorced.

I got divorced because I was unhappily married so the flip side is that I am now happily divorced.

Going through a divorce and ending an unhappy marriage has now given me the freedom and growth to move onto a better life.


----------



## eldubya

Actually I get a lot less negative reaction than I thought I would! I've found out that opening up about my divorce has made other people open up about their own situations. I've also come to realize that before this I was clueless how to empathize with other people going through divorce--and so maybe contributed to their thinking they were stigmatized. Divorce is like many traumatic life-changing experiences: many just cannot or will not relate.


----------



## stillhoping

I am also finding most people in my life wonder what my Ex is thinking, they may just be trying to be nice, but they are always surprised to learn he is the one who left. They ask what he is doing and I say, "I don't have to worry about it anymore!" He has been living alone in a small apt, I hear it is barely furnished and no one visits. He really wanted to be alone and he has made that happen.


----------



## Jellybeans

stillhoping said:


> . They ask what he is doing and I say, "I don't have to worry about it anymore!


That's interesting. Nobody ever asks me what my ex is up to.


----------



## Dollystanford

me neither! my mum knows what he's doing because she's nosy and stalks his FB page :rofl:


----------



## Paradise

I figure the people who ask about or talk about my ex are only looking for gossip....Which is why those people are no longer in my life. Haven't heard a freaking thing about that lady in months and I don't care to know.


----------



## nice777guy

Dollystanford said:


> me neither! my mum knows what he's doing because she's nosy and stalks his FB page :rofl:


Lol!!!!


----------



## Marigold

In my experience, my friends /people my age can't really relate to divorce / the experience of going through a divorce. 

I was 30 when I separated, and 32 when the divorce was final - i'd been married for 8 years. Most of my contemporaries were/are just getting married for the first time and divorce isn't a word in their vocabulary. 

I find people my age just draw abit of a blank when I say i'm divorced and say 'oh, right' when I tell them and just look pretty disconnected. Other times, people say 'oh yeah, i split up from my girlfriend who I dated for two years.....blah blah blah' - it's like they are trying to find some common ground but failing badly!! If I had a pound for everytime I've heard someone trying to relate their dating breakup to a divorce I'd be rich! I know they are just trying to be kind and find something in common but it's really annoying ......I don't think a divorce is like breaking up from a boyfriend/girlfriend - it really pisses me off and I'm pretty sick of hearing it!!!

sorry for ranting! just need to get that off my chest!


----------



## COguy

Marigold said:


> In my experience, my friends /people my age can't really relate to divorce / the experience of going through a divorce.
> 
> I was 30 when I separated, and 32 when the divorce was final - i'd been married for 8 years. Most of my contemporaries were/are just getting married for the first time and divorce isn't a word in their vocabulary.
> 
> I find people my age just draw abit of a blank when I say i'm divorced and say 'oh, right' when I tell them and just look pretty disconnected. Other times, people say 'oh yeah, i split up from my girlfriend who I dated for two years.....blah blah blah' - it's like they are trying to find some common ground but failing badly!! If I had a pound for everytime I've heard someone trying to relate their dating breakup to a divorce I'd be rich! I know they are just trying to be kind and find something in common but it's really annoying ......I don't think a divorce is like breaking up from a boyfriend/girlfriend - it really pisses me off and I'm pretty sick of hearing it!!!
> 
> sorry for ranting! just need to get that off my chest!


Give yourself a few years, by your 2nd HS reunion you will be in the majority.

There are so many people you interact with that you don't even realize are or have been previously divorced.


----------



## aston

My stigma is simple: The Survivors Club. It takes a strong person to decide enough is enough and move on. Even though the divorce rate is high, you will be surprised how HIGHER (pardon my caps) the rate of "married but miserable" is!

I remember joining another gym after my divorce and when the lady asked for my marital status during my membership application I mentioned "divorced" and her response was "Congratulations"!
No need to see it as a stigma, it's empowerment! A decision most people fail to make while they fail to compare divorce rate statistics to married but unhappy rates. I chose divorce over misery, plain and simple.

It's like after my divorce suddenly friends and family members started telling me how miserable THEY were and then followed with "reasons" why they can't leave.....I laughed......and still laughing.


----------



## Jellybeans

aston said:


> My stigma is simple: The Survivors Club. It takes a strong person to decide enough is enough and move on. Even though the divorce rate is high, you will be surprised how HIGHER (pardon my caps) the rate of "married but miserable" is!
> 
> It's like after my divorce suddenly friends and family members started telling me how miserable THEY were and then followed with "reasons" why they can't leave.....I laughed......and still laughing.


Oh gosh I can relate to this so much. I have a friend who is always telling me how bad of a choice she made to get married and everytime we get off the phone I am so happy not to be married anymore. 

I see you are resurrecting all of my old threads. This one was from 2012!!!


----------



## aston

Jellybeans said:


> Oh gosh I can relate to this so much. I have a friend who is always telling me how bad of a choice she made to get married and everytime we get off the phone I am so happy not to be married anymore.
> 
> I see you are resurrecting all of my old threads. This one was from 2012!!!


haha yea it's a neat thread you started . I just had to chime in


----------



## Morgiana

Necro!


----------



## aston

Morgiana said:


> Necro!


monger!:lol:


----------



## Healer

Shoeguy said:


> Coguy,
> 
> I get where you are coming from but can't there be a fourth bucket
> d. Grown apart? I don't think that should be lumped into a poor decision per se.
> 
> Now that I'm older and gained some wisdom I think I might have married too early. I was married a month after college. We were married for 18 years and dated 4 years prior to that. We were kids then.
> 
> I hate the fact that we are not still married but I'm trying not to stew about what if's. I did that for months and never got anywhere.
> 
> Maybe room for another catagory?


How about:

E. You were cheated on by your coke head spouse?? And I'M the tainted one?


----------



## Healer

Jellybeans said:


> LOL. I never go into a ton of details. I have a million ways of answering that question but when I'm annoyed I simply state "The same thing that happens to everyone else who gets divorced--it didn't work out."
> 
> Forever is such a joke.


I'll gladly tell anyone what my stbxww did. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I was a good, faithful, loving family man. I lost out to cocaine and thug d*ck.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

No. Society isn't really like that any more. One of my instructors told us that he was in a classroom with about 20+ college students and asked how many came from divorced parents and everyone raised their hand. Then he asked us how many of us (all single) PLANNED to get married, and nobody raised their hand. It seems that people are shifting to not getting married de facto but only contemplating marriage if they happen to find someone and a relationship that ends up in marriage. Different mind set going on. Even my not quite ten year old has this mentality of marriage not being a sure thing or even desirable as it's own "thing." Then same professor said there are a few decisions that are really important in shaping the rest of your life, so far as his generation was concerned: where you choose to go to school, what you choose to do for work, and the first two people that you married. He was only half joking.

Bottom line is that really, nobody cares. People seem to be judged for who they are now, not whether they are partnered. I think it's even tougher on people who are married, they are held to a much higher standard and one that always includes the suspicion of cheating, whereas the rest of us are only under suspicion of being sl*ts and regular a**holes which is a pain for some of society but not a black smudge as it would be if we were married.


----------



## arbitrator

*Imagine getting married for your 2nd go-around, to a woman who you thought was so perfect for you; where the pieces of the matrimonial puzzle finally fit to what you believed was absolute perfection. A woman who asked you to retire and become a part of her dream to move away from the big city and set up residence in an old historical home in a small Central Texas town and tend to the family ranch there. A woman who could do no wrong, in turning her work and livelihood into mine, and her love for the work greatly into mine.

And then see that love and trust fall into disrepair when she asks for a "trial separation" signaling her unhappiness. And when into the midst of that separation, learn that she's been unfaithful with two OMen of her past that she's hooked up with on FB.

Imagine a 2-year divorce process where you cannot supply rhyme nor reason to what she's done, to what she's misinforming her family with as far as the true story, and then to embed yourself into a pattern of only managing to get intermittent sleep at best ~ usually no more than 4 hours a night.

And with the divorce being over, you feel that not only has she totally abandoned you, but often God as well! 

Why would He lay waste to such perceived perfection ~ or was He just saving me from further hurt and anguish? And the primordial question ringing in my ears of "Why?"

God gave me the answer. And it was probably not the one that I wanted to hear, but in finally being able to digest the ugly truth, it made all the sense in the world. But I was going to have to learn to accept it first before I could ever move on with my life.

Maybe one day I can look her in the eye, but I feel more and more that it is actually her that is so much more avoiding of me than me of her! 

And while I may have forgiven her in my heart ~ I will never, never, never forget whaty itv was that she did to me!

And I ask my God to walk more and more closely with me on a daily basis, and to help me to find trust again in another woman and also mankind.

And I do feel in my heart that He's placed me on the right path!
*


----------



## browneyes74

So, arbitrator, what was the answer? 

B/c as a two time loser at marriage, I'm asking God myself.. why me? Why did this happen? 

I mean, I know that him becoming a pill popping alcoholic and a cheater was a big thing.. But ultimately, why does it all have to happen.. There's been several more MAJOR upheavals in my life.. And yes, I wonder, why? 

So.. I'm truly curious, if you wouldn't mind answering, or it's not too personal, what your WHY was? I love to hear that SOMEONE found it..


----------



## Nsweet

You know I'm thinking more and more about how the "never going to marry" crowd has the right idea. 

If you find the right _person you want to spend the rest of your life with_, you don't need to prematurely lock it down with some ancient ceremony and a legal contract that takes years and costs you thousands to get out of. You can just be with them without that pressure to commit. Times have changed so much along with everything else. And it's not like you have to get married at 15 so you can have a dozen kids to work on a farm. 

At it is marriage was intended to precede having children and raising a family together, and staying together no matter what. And that's not happening much anymore as young adults are rushing into getting married because they think they have to. With no real clear idea of what it takes to make a relationship work. I know that's exactly what I did and I deeply regret not having any idea of what I was getting myself into. 

If marriage is supposed to be for the rest of your life, and 50% of marriages fail. Wouldn't it make more sense to live 50% of your life first, marry someone when you're 40-60, and do everything you planned on before you think of settling down. It's like if you find "the one" you want to spend the next 20 years with and they feel the same, then they won't be going anywhere. Take away the the pressure to get married because you think you have to and what do you have to?.... A healthy relationship. Maybe that person won't be as fun when the honeymoon phase ends, but then again maybe you'll actually like that person more and have more money without a wedding.


----------



## ne9907

ha!!
The worst comment I have received was from a woman who said to me:

At your age?? What are you going to do?

I laughed it off!
I should have come back with "*****! I am fabulous!!" but I don't know how well that would translate in Spanish.


----------



## Nsweet

ne9907 said:


> ha!!
> The worst comment I have received was from a woman who said to me:
> 
> At your age?? What are you going to do?
> 
> I laughed it off!
> *I should have come back with "B!tch! I am fabulous!!"* but I don't know how well that would translate in Spanish.


----------



## arbitrator

browneyes74 said:


> So, arbitrator, what was the answer?
> 
> B/c as a two time loser at marriage, I'm asking God myself.. why me? Why did this happen?
> 
> I mean, I know that him becoming a pill popping alcoholic and a cheater was a big thing.. But ultimately, why does it all have to happen.. There's been several more MAJOR upheavals in my life.. And yes, I wonder, why?
> 
> So.. I'm truly curious, if you wouldn't mind answering, or it's not too personal, what your WHY was? I love to hear that SOMEONE found it..


*Browneyes: The way that my Methodist Pastor put it to me was that one of the greatest gifts that God ever gave to us was that of "free will." Basically, the will to do as we please while we are situated as His guest on this earthly plain.

I can't help what both of my former wives did so willingly. One strayed to get herself a huge company promotion, the other strayed to satisfy some internal craving to be with men from her past when she was much younger. I greatly feel that I was just "Plan B" in both of their eyes.

Both gave lip service to their Christian faith, but I greatly surmise that when they felt that no one was looking or paying attention, that they then chose to commit their sordid clandestine activities with their unlikely partners.

I believed in both marriages, just as I believed that God had indeed annointed these unions and that I, as a husband, had every expectation to believe that my wife felt the very same way.

One's excuse was simply a promotion for money and power within a corporate climate; the other, a need for love, acceptance, and recognition from men back in her pre through post-collegiate days, despite her notable wealth.

Today, the former is really only a shell of her former self, having been stricken with MS and no longer in a corporate mode but doing nothing more than menial work.

The other got a much-sought-after divorce, two popular BF's who both ended up dropping her like a hot rock after they each received their due horizontal rewards from her, with one going back to his family, and the other moving out-of-state to a far westerly locale.

I, no doubt, am nothing more than a bad memory for her, just as she is for me. The only consolation that I feel that I'll ever receive is knowing that, in time, she will be queried by a much higher power about her self-serving justification and numerous excuses for her acts of infidelity as well as her subsequent abandonment of me as her husband.

Yes! I feel bad, but not as much for the sex that she had with these OMen of hers, but much rather for the preemptive betrayal and the blatant lies that she employed in carrying out her evil acts.

I've just got to continue to maintain my faith, let go of what happened, and trust in God's judgement that there will be another loving woman out there who will love me for who I truly am, and not have some sort of a hidden, self-serving agenda for either her personal pleasure or monetary gain!

Cheaters will lie to you! God will not!

*


----------



## Jellybeans

Morgiana said:


> Necro!





aston said:


> monger!:lol:


I admit, it gave me pause to see Aston resurrecting severan of my ancient threads from* 2012* yesterday (including this one) due to the fact that recently I was being post-stalked on TAM by someone who got banned twice and had a very strange fixation with me. Creepy.

I was like, NOT again!



ne9907 said:


> The worst comment I have received was from a woman who said to me:
> 
> At your age?? What are you going to do?


Wow. I'm guessing she was really old. 

LOL.


----------



## browneyes74

Thank you arbitrator.. I appreciate it.. It gives me a lot to think about.. 

So, thank you again..


----------



## jld

I have been thinking the same thing, Nsweet. I love my dh very much, and he me, and we do not need "marriage" to be together. Even without "marriage," we just want to be together, period. Love holds us together.

The financial advantages under the law (tax breaks, insurance) are what make marriage attractive.


----------



## Nsweet

Arbitrator, it just sounds to me like you have a thing for High-Conflict personality types. 

There is a definite pattern here with your two ex wives marrying you, feigning interest in religion, and chasing careers and interest for the same of their image alone. Definite, definite narcissistic trait. 

And you gotta let go of that whole good/evil, Madonna/*****, gods will thing. These women were neither good nor evil, they were just selfish. They were adulterous, but that was their decision and sadly enough some men and women do this even when they like their partner. It's a human thing. 

God doesn't make you fall in love either. He just makes sure there's enough people like you around and trusts you'll find your own perfect somebody. Sometimes you have to go through a bunch, sometimes just one, but they are a million others out there just like you. The trick is finding someone who will grow with you. If not you can just finish your happy ending with another someone special, or several special people in several very meaningful relationships.


----------



## Nsweet

jld said:


> I have been thinking the same thing, Nsweet. I love my dh very much, and he me, and we do not need "marriage" to be together. Even without "marriage," we just want to be together, period. Love holds us together.
> 
> The financial advantages under the law (tax breaks, insurance) are what make marriage attractive.


I just wouldn't marry anyone who would try to hard to marry me. 

If I find the right girl who feels the same way and doesn't think marriage is one of those things you're supposed to do before you're 30, then I would definitely walk down the aisle for her. 

I don't want to make the same mistake twice in my life and end up with a wife who should have been a girlfriend at best.


----------



## jld

Nsweet said:


> The trick is finding someone who will grow with you.


This is exactly what my dh says.


----------



## browneyes74

Nsweet, I don't think it's that, but rather that, but if you DO believe in divine intervention, fate, whatever, you do wonder why it is that you choose those people.. 

If you don't believe that, that's great and fine. 

Maybe he does have a thing for High-Conflict types. Maybe God is trying to teach him a lesson. And those women are part of the lesson. 

I don't think he's saying they are evil, but he's saying HE went into it with good intentions and a pure heart so HE feels absolved. This has nothing to do with them being evil or wrong.. or wh*res.. 

No, God doesn't make us fall in love, but I think he places people and situations in our path for us to either learn from, or avoid (having learned the lesson), b/c as a parent, we want to see our children grow.. 

I don't want to get into a philosophical debate, b/c I understand that many people are NOT religious, nor believe in any of this. But, I specifically asked arbitrator to share his for MY benefit.. nothing else..


----------



## ne9907

browneyes74 said:


> No, God doesn't make us fall in love, but I think he places people and situations in our path for us to either learn from, or avoid (having learned the lesson)
> 
> 
> 
> :iagree:
Click to expand...


----------



## jld

I think the best thing Arbitrator or any of us can do is learn from our mistakes and move on. But we do need to take time to learn from our mistakes, and not blame the other person. 

Leave all that negativity behind and start fresh! It is a new day tomorrow!


----------



## Nsweet

You know *browneyes74*, not all agnostic or atheists are disrespectful towards other people's religions or beliefs. That's more of an assh*le trait. And while I may not necessarily agree with everything you said, I'm not going to debate you or anything. 

I can respect you opinions about God as your own freedom of expression. God works in mysterious ways, sometimes things happen for a reason, unknown variables, mysteries of the universe. To each is own. 

There's no winners in debating minor details of religions either. Who cares who you got the message from, so long as you got the message. "Be kind, do unto others, and don't be cruel".... Life is hard enough without everybody being selfish adulterous d!cks, and hopefully there is something good that happens to such good people.


----------



## 2galsmom

One of the people/groups I follow somewhere in my many ventures had a post that read

When God takes someone out of your life, don't run after them.

I don't blame God for my poor choices. I honestly think there were red flags everywhere, I chose wishful thinking instead. I did not come to grip with issues from my childhood, didn't think I needed to, and pursued things on my own free will that I shouldn't have, so finally at long last lessons learned.


----------



## indiecat

Once or twice I said I am separated because I 'didn't approve of my h dating'.

And I have said once 'because I didn't like his girlfriend' That shuts them up fast.


----------



## Fenix

indiecat said:


> Once or twice I said I am separated because I 'didn't approve of my h dating'.
> 
> And I have said once 'because I didn't like his girlfriend' That shuts them up fast.


That's similar to what I say. "Oh, I discovered that my stbx liked to have girlfriends on the side" Any judgment (against me) disappears very quickly after that. Usually, they are very supportive or make a joke, which I appreciate. The ones from whom I get a negative vibe are removed from the candidate for friends list.

I can be judgmental about divorce though. It really depends on the reason for the divorce.


----------



## Jellybeans

Divorce has become so commonplace. I met a woman recently who told me she is divorced (young, she is 28) and I was like, "Yeah it seems everyone is." We had a chuckle about it.

It's like, If you haven't had a divorce, you are doing it wrong. Kidding.


----------



## 06Daddio08

Jellybeans said:


> For those of you who have made it to the Other Side...
> 
> Do you feel there is a stigma attached to being divorced?
> 
> Do you feel, when talking to friends or family, married couples, etc. that they attribute something negative to you/the situation because you are divorced?


I haven't read through the entire thread yet but I'll comment on the original question.

Technically I'm not "Legally Divorced" just yet, the paperwork is still between lawyers but I consider myself emotionally divorced. I don't need a paper signed to tell me that (although, I'm more than willing to put the ink to the paper when the time comes).

I feel no negativity towards me from friends, family or anyone else really when it comes to getting divorced. My friends and family see the changes in me and are thankful that I've pulled my pants up and gotten my life straight. The reactions I get from others who are fresh in my life vary depending on their own experiences.

For the most part, I have to stop some of my friends and family from chirping about my ex wife. I was a POS just as much as her, but I'm not a cheating POS so that's where the line is drawn and I see no reason to continue bantering about it.

Although, I do sent a few of the texts I get to my buddies for a good laugh from time to time. After everything I've been through, I'm entitled to that. Haha.

I get a lot of positive comments since being divorced, from my good attitude, to my weight loss and the funniest one ... being a good father.


----------

