# Would you expect sex if your wife is under major depression?



## CarbonBunny (Dec 28, 2012)

I'm just wondering how most of you guys think. Personally, I think it's unfair and pretty insensitive. I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder. I have it mostly under control unless something terrible happens. Ex: grandmother passing away last year. That put me into a sever 6 month depression. Yes, I see a therapist and all of that. I've tried different meds and none work for me. Believe me, I've tried for 10 years. I have 0 sex drive to begin with. Maybe twice in my life I actually wanted sex. When my grandmother passed away my husband seemed to think sex should continue. Mind you, I could hardly even bring myself to get out of bed. He knows about my 0 sex drive, always had.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Have u tried welbutrin?


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## CarbonBunny (Dec 28, 2012)

Yep!  Made me throw up something awful. Literally couldn't keep any food down for 3 straight days and they took me off of it. I have that problem with almost everything I tried.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Its usually like that at first....you should try to stick it.


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## CarbonBunny (Dec 28, 2012)

I ended up in the ER. They told me the symptoms were not normal. I passed out twice.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

CB, my husband's sex drive plummeted when he started his current medications. We now average once a week. where before it was every other day. He suffers from bipolar disorder, anxiety, agoraphobia, and ADD. The combination of the meds he is on NOW works. They tried all sorts of different combinations since his first dx of depression. No, he has not tried Welbutrin. And I am not going to suggest that it be added now. He is on a combination which works for his head... that's what matters at this point. Would I like sex more often? Absolutely! But we have our intimate time, even without sex... and I am ok with this. He is, however, willing to play with me, even if intercourse is not possible. 

As for pressuring him for sex? No. But by your own admission, you really have not had a sex drive to begin with... he did, and still has some. But no, I do not pressure him.


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## CarbonBunny (Dec 28, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> CB, my husband's sex drive plummeted when he started his current medications. We now average once a week. where before it was every other day. He suffers from bipolar disorder, anxiety, agoraphobia, and ADD. The combination of the meds he is on NOW works. They tried all sorts of different combinations since his first dx of depression. No, he has not tried Welbutrin. And I am not going to suggest that it be added now. He is on a combination which works for his head... that's what matters at this point. Would I like sex more often? Absolutely! But we have our intimate time, even without sex... and I am ok with this. He is, however, willing to play with me, even if intercourse is not possible.
> 
> As for pressuring him for sex? No. But by your own admission, you really have not had a sex drive to begin with... he did, and still has some. But no, I do not pressure him.


Yea I wish I could find the right combination of meds. I've had three different doctors suggest that my body rejects all meds for some reason. That good that you don't pressure him. Feeling pressured is a terrible feeling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

If you didn't have a drive to start with no combination of meds is going to fix that.


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## CarbonBunny (Dec 28, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> If you didn't have a drive to start with no combination of meds is going to fix that.


Right.. I wasn't asking that though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

missymrs80 said:


> Its usually like that at first....you should try to stick it.


No it's not normal to vomit to the point of needing a hospital visit.

As far as an uninformed unlicensed anonymous internet poster advising someone to ignore the advice of a medical healthcare professional and go ahead and "keep taking the medicine" I just have to shake my head at such reckless advice.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Okay then I'll answer your question. Yes if I'm married I expect sex on a consistent basis depression or not. I didn't get married to be sexless. And there are other things he could do to be intimate if he did suffer from a zero drive. He has fingers and a tongue. No I wouldn't expect sex daily but I would expect intimacy and playtime from him yes.


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## CarbonBunny (Dec 28, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> No it's not normal to vomit to the point of needing a hospital visit.
> 
> As far as an uninformed unlicensed anonymous internet poster advising someone to ignore the advice of a medical healthcare professional and go ahead and "keep taking the medicine" I just have to shake my head at such reckless advice.


Yea, that's sort of what I was thinking too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CarbonBunny (Dec 28, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Okay then I'll answer your question. Yes if I'm married I expect sex on a consistent basis depression or not. I didn't get married to be sexless. And there are other things he could do to be intimate if he did suffer from a zero drive. He has fingers and a tongue. No I wouldn't expect sex daily but I would expect intimacy and playtime from him yes.


Oh okay. I think some just may not understand how depression just sucks every ounce of life out of you but my depression has been around since I've known him so that's nothing new.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I've suffered from depression most of my adult life. I know very well how it sucks every ounce of life out of you. It took 4 years of therapy and a whole lot of work on my part to fix it.

However I had a drive before the depression started so it didn't affect that. I chose to beat it without meds. Mine was mild though. I was just moody, angry and depressed. Mine was so bad that my husband didn't want to have sex with me so this was a moot point. LOL


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## CarbonBunny (Dec 28, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I've suffered from depression most of my adult life. I know very well how it sucks every ounce of life out of you. It took 4 years of therapy and a whole lot of work on my part to fix it.
> 
> However I had a drive before the depression started so it didn't affect that. I was just moody, angry and depressed.


I'm sorry you have. I've suffered for close to 15 years without much improvement.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I suffered for over 20 years. I'm 46 and I've been depression free now since May 2011.

I came at this from every angle. Diet, exercise, therapy, meds, supplements, downsizing my life, you name it I've tried it. I now consider myself an expert on MY depression. I still have to work hard to keep it at bay. It's a daily fight sometimes but I'm doing it.


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## CarbonBunny (Dec 28, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I suffered for over 20 years. I'm 46 and I've been depression free now since May 2011.
> 
> I came at this from every angle. Diet, exercise, therapy, meds, supplements, downsizing my life, you name it I've tried it. I now consider myself an expert on MY depression. I still have to work hard to keep it at bay. It's a daily fight sometimes but I'm doing it.


Very glad you got a handle on it. That's amazing! I know it's an every day struggle.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Oh it still sucks as I sit here eating VEGETABLES. If I don't eat well I get depressed. Blech....


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

CarbonBunny said:


> I'm just wondering how most of you guys think. Personally, I think it's unfair and pretty insensitive. I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder. I have it mostly under control unless something terrible happens. Ex: grandmother passing away last year. That put me into a sever 6 month depression. Yes, I see a therapist and all of that. I've tried different meds and none work for me. Believe me, I've tried for 10 years. I have 0 sex drive to begin with. Maybe twice in my life I actually wanted sex. When my grandmother passed away my husband seemed to think sex should continue. Mind you, I could hardly even bring myself to get out of bed. He knows about my 0 sex drive, always had.


Speaking from personal experience:

All depression is really a diseased state of selfishness. It just is.

Think of it as a consuming fever of too much self-fixated thought.

And the way to really tackle it ALWAYS involves YOU waking up, looking around and seeing what YOUR little piece of the World (your job/husband/community etc) *needs from you* to make IT BETTER...and then acting to fulfill those needs rather than dwelling on your own

The way to be perpetually MIRED in your OWN misery...is to stay fixated upon yourself and your problems while petulantly waiting for and expecting the world to make you feel better.

My favorite quote on the subject from Thomas Merton:

_Despair is the absolute extreme of self-love. It is reached when a person deliberately turns his back on all help from anyone else in order to taste the *rotten luxury* of knowing himself to be lost_

It's the "rotten luxury" part that's so apt to me...that's exactly what it is...something about self-pity feels satisfying and good to us...and we have to fight against our natural desire to stay wrapped up in its enticing pleasure...and stop pitying ourselves to actually break the depressive spell.

Some never do.

Anyway...your post reeks of self-pity...that's your REAL problem, not your husband


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Have you tried antidepressant plus mood stabilizer? The combination often boost the effect of AD. Also there is a new MAO inhibitor antidepressant with a transdermal delivery. It circumvents many of the dietary restiction of the oral agents. It also has less of an effect on libido.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CarbonBunny (Dec 28, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Oh it still sucks as I sit here eating VEGETABLES. If I don't eat well I get depressed. Blech....


Aw man I'm sorry. I don't eat well either when it's bad. I tend to just eat sweets because its the only thing I can stomach during my bad episodes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CarbonBunny (Dec 28, 2012)

IndiaInk said:


> Speaking from personal experience:
> 
> All depression is really a diseased state of selfishness. It just is.
> 
> ...


You're really rude to say that. I never said my husband was a problem. I am not pitying myself. I've suffered severe trauma in my life. I have PTSD. I suppose the trauma was me just pitying myself right? Think about what you're saying before you make accusations.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CarbonBunny (Dec 28, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Have you tried antidepressant plus mood stabilizer? The combination often boost the effect of AD. Also there is a new MAO inhibitor antidepressant with a transdermal delivery. It circumvents many of the dietary restiction of the oral agents. It also has less of an effect on libido.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, I have. No success there either.  I am going to my psych next week and I will ask about that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Getbusylivin (Dec 23, 2012)

So my wife has a low or no sex drive, she smokes to relieve stress and she habitually eats crushed ice all day and night.. Is this results of depression because she is convinced she does not have a problem..


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## CarbonBunny (Dec 28, 2012)

Getbusylivin said:


> So my wife has a low or no sex drive, she smokes to relieve stress and she habitually eats crushed ice all day and night.. Is this results of depression because she is convinced she does not have a problem..


It could be. It's hard to say. It sounds more like anxiety to me but I am not a doctor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Getbusylivin said:


> So my wife has a low or no sex drive, she smokes to relieve stress and she habitually eats crushed ice all day and night.. Is this results of depression because she is convinced she does not have a problem..


It may be a combination of smoking and antidepressant. Both cause dry mouth. 

I suggest she use mouth wash at lest 3 times a day. She should also get a fluoride gel for brush. I'll PM you.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Eating ice is actually a sign of low iron. She could be anemic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

I'll admit, I thought there was a good chance this would be your reaction. (I know this would've been my reaction earlier in my life.)

Wasn't AT ALL trying to be rude...that's never my aim...and I realize that the thing that made my post seem so harsh is that it was *completely unsympathetic*...

(and that was very deliberate...because I wanted the post to reflect (my opinion) of a healthy/HEALING attitude towards depression...and that attitude doesn't consist of mollycoddling it...that just drags you further into the disease and further into forever identifying yourself as a "sufferer" in life)

And I'm sorry but it really does seem like your pitying yourself, even in your response: 



CarbonBunny said:


> I am not pitying myself. *I've suffered severe trauma in my life. I have PTSD.* _I suppose the trauma was me just pitying myself right? _
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No the TRAUMA is NOT you pitying yourself.

It's what you do AFTER THE TRAUMA. It's YOUR ATTITUDE after trauma and loss that makes or breaks depression. (And of course, brain chemistry plays a HUGE ROLE in the tendency to do this or not...some of us have an uphill battle with this tendency forever...just the way life is)

I won't go on. I can see it won't be productive. And that's fine.

Please know...I wasn't attacking/or accusing ...I REALLY wasn't, why would I? I don't dislike you...I don't know you...you don't do anything to make my life miserable...what I wrote,I wrote because I think you may be aiding and abetting in making_ your own life more miserable._..and I'm sorry when WE as people do that to ourselves)

Also, we ALL pity ourselves...ALL OF US...at least a little bit...I know I do...I'll probably never be completely free of it...

In fact the "big shift" I've made hasn't been curing myself of self-pity/ self-focus...it's just that I now recognize that I'm doing that "pitying-thing" and that "it's ultimately destructive"

But there was a time when I didn't even recognize it for what it was...and acknowledge that wallowing in the *"destructive events in my life"* is itself a_* "destructive event in my life"*_

To that end, for securing that awareness, you may find some value in what I wrote...that was my hope anyway.

Then again, you may think I'm full of _______ (erm...something not so flattering)

That's fine too (maybe I am)

In any event, I wish you luck.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I have ptsd with anxiety plus a side of depression for added fun. Yes pitying myself and being a victim was part of the equation but I couldn't just "stop" as much as say my husband thought I could. Oh how I wish it were that easy. I can do it now but it took a whole lot of therapy to learn how.

I'll never truly be normal but I'm coping. The goal is to go from victim, to surviving to thriving. It's a process and the steps can't be skipped. Being a victim is part of the process because if you were traumatized in anyway yes you were in fact a victim.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband would never expect sex under health conditions. He doesn't get mad or disappointed. He waits until I'm better. I've had a couple real big health issues come up, so I know this for a fact.


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I have ptsd with anxiety plus a side of depression for added fun. Yes pitying myself and being a victim was part of the equation but I couldn't just "stop" as much as say my husband thought I could. Oh how I wish it were that easy. I can do it now but it took a whole lot of therapy to learn how.
> 
> I'll never truly be normal but I'm coping. The goal is to go from victim, to surviving to thriving. It's a process and the steps can't be skipped. Being a victim is part of the process because if you were traumatized in anyway yes you were in fact a victim.


Bingo Mavash.

First, I glad that you're self-aware enough to admit that self-pity is a part of depression. 

I can admit that about myself too. I'll even assert that it's a BIG part. Doesn't make me bad person. It's a natural tendency...we have lots of "non-productive" natural tendencies...and curbing them always has to start with acknowledging them.

And if one reflects honestly on a time of _particularly bad depression_ in their life, I'm willing to bet that there was a *decided LACK thinking about the suffering of others* who endured similar troubles/tragedy. There's a lack of thinking about the unique sufferings and struggles of those around us...and on ways to improve their conditions.

No *depression is intrinsically “me” focused*...and that's a part of why it can become isolating.

Also, every living being on earth “me” focused in general. EVERY SINGLE ONE. We're hardwired for it.* Nature wants us to be “me” focused...so that we survive. *So it doesn't mean we're bad...it means we're a functioning animal

And it's important to note, the reason you don't want to indulge in the "comfort" of self-pity or in securing pity of others is NOT because pitiable things haven't happened in your life.

Trauma and loss are always sad and pitiable things.

Likewise, the reason you don't want to forever see yourself as victim is NOT because you weren't indeed a victim.

It's simply because* NOTHING good can come from LINGERING in that state*...and there's a real danger of ending up in a perpetual negative, life-limiting spiral. 

There's a danger that we become identified with our suffering...and identified with being a victim (there are TONS of people like this)

(Now every coin has two sides...so it's also harmful to live in denial that you were ever the victim of traumatic experience. People do that too)

And yes, it's not as easy as saying "get over it"...this goes back to brain chemistry...and for some of us the ability to _will _ourself into a productive, life-embracing state of being feels nearly impossible

I think ultimately to break a self-pitying cycle one has to undergo some combination of: 

acknowledging the suffering that occurred in one's life

acknowledging that great suffering has occurred in many other people's lives...(and really making a mental effort to empathize with those other people and what they must feel)

and then shifting one's focus towards helping other sufferer beings on this little planet by ensuring that you're doing what you can to prevent others from suffering altogether

In short, two of the key components to beating depression involve (in addition to drugs/therapy) must include:

1. a conscious effort to shift one's “mental energy” to something/someone other than one's self and one's problems.

2. A conscious effort to be an “active” force for good in the lives of others...through decided ACTION (action's key...you have to fight the inertial pull of depression)

(this doesn't have to mean crusading for a cause...it can just be an awareness/focus on YOUR ability to make the lives of OTHERS in your circle (ie your co-workers, family, friends, grocery-checker) all a little better.

There are many paradoxes in this life: One of the big ones is that we are usually happiest when we're not actively fixated on our personal happiness (or, as is typically the case, bemoaning our lack of happiness)

Like I said before though....this certainly isn't easy


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I guess I would turn the question around a little bit.

Should you expect your husband not to want sex becuase you are depressed?

His sex drive, his emotional needs, these things do not go away when you are depressed.

And do you think it's good in your marriage to not meet your husband's emotional needs?


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## CarbonBunny (Dec 28, 2012)

MrAvg said:


> But that is a major part of the issue. You have had 0 sex drive and now it is less due to depression.
> 
> My wife and I both have very complex health issues, and yes there are times I would like sex but she is not able. Or there are a few times she has wanted sex and I was not able to get it up. I always offer oral pleasure. Sometimes she takes me up on it, but it is rare. Shewants to make love, not just sex.
> 
> ...


I will do oral most of the time unless I'm having a hard time breathing or a tight feeling in my chest. I have been sexually violated in the past so that is a big factor in my issues. I've improved as in, I used to not be able to have any sex at all because it was traumatizing. I'm able to have it now but most of the time it's still traumatizing or I just have no drive anyway. I've gone to therapy nearly three times a week for the last ten years. I'm not sure there's much more I can improve on. I don't want to like sex. I don't see the point of it. I just see it as a violation of personal space and rights to my body. I don't think any amount of therapy will change that as much as I wish I could feel differently about it. I don't think my DH is necessarily a HD person. I'd say he's somewhere in the middle. He does not help much of anything because he is gaining weight and had poor hygiene. I don't get turned on either way but poor hygiene is certainly a turn off. I've talked to him about and he either says I'm lying or gets angry and annoyed. I've said it so many times and maybe he changes for a day and them goes back to forgetting to shower or being too busy (watching tv).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

CarbonBunny said:


> I'm just wondering how most of you guys think. Personally, I think it's unfair and pretty insensitive. I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder. I have it mostly under control unless something terrible happens. Ex: grandmother passing away last year. That put me into a sever 6 month depression. Yes, I see a therapist and all of that. I've tried different meds and none work for me. Believe me, I've tried for 10 years. I have 0 sex drive to begin with. Maybe twice in my life I actually wanted sex. When my grandmother passed away my husband seemed to think sex should continue. Mind you, I could hardly even bring myself to get out of bed. He knows about my 0 sex drive, always had.


My fiancee suffered through major depression for several years of her life before we met. She also suffered through another seious bout (not as serious though) for a few years after we started dating.

We had a talk about this issue before and we came to a sort of agreement on how we'd handle the issue should it ever arise again.

Firstly, yes, sex would be expected.

The reason for this is we agree that sex is a key component of a healthy marriage. For me, sex is a very special form of bonding that I know would have negative effects on me and our relationship if taken away. So sex is expected.

Now that said, no, it's not expected at the same frequency we have it now (2-3x a week) and I'd likely be quite fine with sex going completely out the window initially, for a short period of time (a few months maximum). 

I am a supportive spouse, and having gone through a depressive time with my fiancee already, I know it's not fair of me to expect sex often during one of those times. She's not into it and a relationship is about the both of us, not just me. On the flipside, it is partly about me and any relationship should be about compromise and doing something to meet each others needs.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Carbon bunny I have a serious question for you. And I don't mean to be insensitive at all but knowing that sex is a major part of a marriage, and knowing that your husband has a normal sex drive while you consider it disgusting, why did you get married? 
I too suffer from depression. I'm on a lovely ****tail of 3 drugs that keep it under control. 
I too have suffered sexual abuse. But if I knew that I couldn't sexually please a man, I don't think I would get married. it doesn't seem fair to either of you. I am wondering what his thoughts were? Did he think you would change? That doesn't seem fair either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CarbonBunny (Dec 28, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Carbon bunny I have a serious question for you. And I don't mean to be insensitive at all but knowing that sex is a major part of a marriage, and knowing that your husband has a normal sex drive while you consider it disgusting, why did you get married?
> I too suffer from depression. I'm on a lovely ****tail of 3 drugs that keep it under control.
> I too have suffered sexual abuse. But if I knew that I couldn't sexually please a man, I don't think I would get married. it doesn't seem fair to either of you. I am wondering what his thoughts were? Did he think you would change? That doesn't seem fair either.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He knows I wouldn't change because of my past. He has always said he likes sex but can be okay with not doing it much. The only problem is if it goes in for months. I know he's not okay with that but sometimes I can't bring myself to do it. I don't believe sex is a important part of marriage. From my point of view, it's useless and a violation. I don't expect the rest of the world or my husband to feel the same. He's somewhere in the middle so we compromise. Marriage isn't only about sex and this forum seems to think it is mostly from what I've read. Seems like people (not pointing this towards you) berate anyone who doesn't want sex or have a drive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

No I wouldn't berate anyone for lack of drive. I might berate someone who marries someone who thinks sex is disgusting. Honestly I don't know how he can enjoy that. The whole thing is hard for me to wrap my head around. How do you get turned on by someone who feels like they are being assaulted? 
Well I think he knew what he was getting into. 
It's like marrying someone who hates kids and is sterile a d then getting mad because they don't want kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CarbonBunny (Dec 28, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> No I wouldn't berate anyone for lack of drive. I might berate someone who marries someone who thinks sex is disgusting. Honestly I don't know how he can enjoy that. The whole thing is hard for me to wrap my head around. How do you get turned on by someone who feels like they are being assaulted?
> Well I think he knew what he was getting into.
> It's like marrying someone who hates kids and is sterile a d then getting mad because they don't want kids.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I see what you're saying. He is just interested in ejaculating I think. He just does it as quickly as he can. He is happy afterwards. He doesn't want to spend any time on sex really which is fine by me. He has always been this way. I think him and I are on the same page of feeling 0 passion or anything regarding sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

CarbonBunny said:


> I see what you're saying. He is just interested in ejaculating I think. He just does it as quickly as he can. He is happy afterwards. He doesn't want to spend any time on sex


He's a guy. We ejaculate. That's what we do.

Sex is good. But it's all about the climax. When, where, how much of it, that sort of thing. 

:smthumbup:


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

CarbonBunny said:


> He knows I wouldn't change because of my past. He has always said he likes sex but can be okay with not doing it much. The only problem is if it goes in for months. I know he's not okay with that but sometimes I can't bring myself to do it. *I don't believe sex is a important part of marriage.* From my point of view, it's useless and a violation. *I don't expect the rest of the world or my husband to feel the same.* He's somewhere in the middle so we compromise. *Marriage isn't only about sex and this forum seems to think it is mostly from what I've read.* Seems like people (not pointing this towards you) berate anyone who doesn't want sex or have a drive.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry, but unfortunately those first two things will cause your problems, because the marriage is not just about you, it is also about your husband. If he feels sex should be part of it, you will have problems in your marriage.

As for your last comment that I bolded, it only matters what the two of you think. Unfortunately for you, your husband does in fact think that sex is an important part of marriage, even if only occasionally. That you find it disgusting and a violation almost certainly comes though to him clearly. That probably causes him a lot of pain, even if you don't intend it.

I am sorry for what you have gone through and will not berate you for not wanting sex. But you do need to seriously look at whether you are being fair to yourself or your husband by staying in your marriage when you have such different beliefs in what it should involve.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

diwali123 said:


> No I wouldn't berate anyone for lack of drive. I might berate someone who marries someone who thinks sex is disgusting. Honestly I don't know how he can enjoy that. The whole thing is hard for me to wrap my head around. How do you get turned on by someone who feels like they are being assaulted?
> Well I think he knew what he was getting into.
> It's like marrying someone who hates kids and is sterile a d then getting mad because they don't want kids.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well. he may have changed his mind, or been lead to believe (intentionally or not) or convinced himself to beleive that things would change (the OP has been in therapy for over 10 years). What he thought would work may not anymore, particularly if she is making it clear that she feels digusted and violated by him. 

That does not make him right, but certainly does not mean he is a monster either.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

No he isn't a monster at all. I feel for both of them. I just personally don't know how men can keep it up with someone who not only isn't into it but feels violated? I guess it's a testosterone thing. 

Here are alternatives for you to research: 
Trans cranial magnetic stimulation 

Deplin: this isn't a drug it's considered a medical food. Turns out most people with OCD and mood disorders have a genetic problem with manufacturing the precursors to neurotransmitters. they are unable to methylate folate to turn it into serotonin. The good news is its cheap and has no side effects. My h is on it and it cured his chronic daily headaches and OCD thoughts and anxiety. 

Vagus nerve stimulation 

If insurance ever covers TMS I'm all over it. 

For PTSD, have you had EMDR at all?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> No he isn't a monster at all. I feel for both of them. I just personally don't know how men can keep it up with someone who not only isn't into it but feels violated? I guess it's a testosterone thing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why is it a testosterone thing?

It's a marriage/relationship thing. A guy sticking with a wife who isn't into sex is no different on an emotional level than a women who sticks by her man through an affair or a gambling problem. If you love someone and see only one problem with a relationship with that person, even if it's a big problem, many people would stick it out. This board is filled with examples of that. From both sexes. And not derived from testoterone.

The penis is for most men a love muscle, not just a tool to cum with, so keeping it up when you are with the women you love isn't really a huge challenge for most men, especially at a younger/middle life age.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

diwali123 said:


> No he isn't a monster at all. I feel for both of them. I just personally don't know how men can keep it up with someone who not only isn't into it but feels violated? I guess it's a testosterone thing. _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think some of it can be a maturity thing. By that, I mean that many men (I am one) change their view of sex as they age, particularly in a marriage. It becomes as much about the emotional connection and intimacy with your wife as it is about the physical release. It took me some time to understand how I had changed, and I would not be surprised in the OP's husband is struggling with this as well.

So in the situation, the man possibly entered the marriage thinking sex is only physical, that he would not need it much, and that his wife would take care of the physical aspect for him those few times that he did. But as he changed, that is no longer enough. Coupled with her loathing sexing, and you have the problems the OP has posted.

I do want to be clear that I am not blaming her. Rather, I want to give a possible prospective of the husband that may help the OP see things a bit differently. I do wish her well in trying to address this.


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## AnonGuyinhistwenties (Dec 29, 2012)

Hicks said:


> I guess I would turn the question around a little bit.
> 
> Should you expect your husband not to want sex becuase you are depressed?
> 
> ...


I agree with this thought. As a guy, I would be willing to accommodate, but never to the point where my partner is indefinitely is unavailable. There will always be times in life where something unavoidably tragic happens, but it would be unfair and selfish to wallow in it and forget about all other matters in life. As life partners, there is always some leeway, but just like you committed to pay your mortgage every month, you also committed to emotionally fulfill your partner.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I would have to agree with the above. I am sorry for your illness. But, as pointed out above, sex is a part of the traditinal concept of marriage. It would be a deal breaker for me to have prolonged periods of sexless existence. I have termintaed relationship because of the lack of sex


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## CarbonBunny (Dec 28, 2012)

KanDo said:


> I would have to agree with the above. I am sorry for your illness. But, as pointed out above, sex is a part of the traditinal concept of marriage. It would be a deal breaker for me to have prolonged periods of sexless existence. I have termintaed relationship because of the lack of sex


I understand what all of you are saying but most of what you guys are saying isn't really what I was asking. We are in our 30's and the quality of sex isn't anything he's ever complained about. He is visibally happy and excited before after and during it. Me not being into it hasn't been an issue. Knowing what I've been through he would never be under the impression that a single thing would change. He knows I compromise just for him. He doesn't always feel like driving me places but he does it anyway because its for me. As for medications I have tried so many things and gotten so sick from almost allof them that at this point even thinking about it makes me ill and stressed out. His only complaints were about 4 times when 6 months to a year passed without sex. This is spread out over many years, not just a few so it's not that terrible. Other than that he doesn't complain ever. I think if he were with someone other than me he would probably be irritated that he would have to take the time to pleasure them as well. He is a selfish lover so that works great for me and for him since I definitely don't want anything in return. He wants to get off spending only a few minutes and then go back to whatever he was doing such as watching one of his tv shows.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

CarbonBunny said:


> I understand what all of you are saying but most of what you guys are saying isn't really what I was asking. We are in our 30's and the quality of sex isn't anything he's ever complained about. He is visibally happy and excited before after and during it. Me not being into it hasn't been an issue. Knowing what I've been through he would never be under the impression that a single thing would change. He knows I compromise just for him. He doesn't always feel like driving me places but he does it anyway because its for me. As for medications I have tried so many things and gotten so sick from almost allof them that at this point even thinking about it makes me ill and stressed out. His only complaints were about 4 times when 6 months to a year passed without sex. This is spread out over many years, not just a few so it's not that terrible. Other than that he doesn't complain ever. I think if he were with someone other than me he would probably be irritated that he would have to take the time to pleasure them as well. He is a selfish lover so that works great for me and for him since I definitely don't want anything in return. He wants to get off spending only a few minutes and then go back to whatever he was doing such as watching one of his tv shows.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Actually, I think I did address it, but frankly you are all over the place. You call him a selfish lover, but you already admit that you are disgusted by sex and feel it is a violation. How would him being a less selfish lover help that?

He only complains about not having sex over a six month period (which happened at least four times), and I am noting that he may well have changed over time. Thus, his complaint about wanting sex even though you are depressed may be coming from a different place than you realize. 

Actually, let me take off the gloves a bit and be blunt. Let's assume everything you have said and your every perception is completely true and accurate. In the past, he was willing to have quicky sex just for himself even after all you went through, and knowing that you felt sex was a digusting violation. And you were fine with that. Yet now he wants sex even though you have depression issues (which you likely had before), and now that is behavior that you think is too much. 

Why? In view of the past arrangements that you two made, why is his behavior so objectionable now?


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## CarbonBunny (Dec 28, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Actually, I think I did address it, but frankly you are all over the place. You call him a selfish lover, but you already admit that you are disgusted by sex and feel it is a violation. How would him being a less selfish lover help that?
> 
> He only complains about not having sex over a six month period (which happened at least four times), and I am noting that he may well have changed over time. Thus, his complaint about wanting sex even though you are depressed may be coming from a different place than you realize.
> 
> ...


No, you aren't understanding. I'm saying he is a selfish lover because he has told in his past relationships before me that it was such a lengthy chore to get a girl off. He said by the time he got the girl off he wasn't even in the mood anymore. That's why I say he's a selfish lover. I am saying it as something I feel is a positive quality.

I was in no way saying anything changed. Nothing has changed. Years and years ago he only ever complained if I were depressed for a long period of time. No different now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CarbonBunny (Dec 28, 2012)

MrAvg said:


> Sounds like you have tried to over come a difficult situation. Having been abused at age 11 I kind of understand some of what you are feeling. Going to seek counseling is about all you can do, I wish I had gone when I was younger.
> 
> If your DH does not keep himself fit or worse clean I can see why there are major issues. Putting on some weight is one thing, not have good hygiene has no excuse. It seems based on your past and current situation you likely will not want to like sex.
> 
> CarbonBunny I wish you good luck, you are doing a lot more than many people would do. One thing I would tell your DH is to take a long bath before next love making time. There is no reason not to be clean for your lover, he is not doing himself any favors.


Thanks! I don't mind the weight gain really because he is still the same person but the hygiene I have a big problem with. Now I am even more against sex than before. I have told him several times "go shower up for fun time" and he says eh I'm not in the mood. The real truth is that if I didn't tell him to shower he would have sex. I've tested this theory before. He doesn't like to do much that involves getting up from the couch or bed. He will have to get up for a shower. For sex he can stay in the same spot without getting up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I remember when my grandparents passed away or when an employer asked me which lake to go fishing, I told him, hours later that afternoon, went to the lake and drowned himself because his wife was having an affair!!! I was in my teens. And after my first girlfriend suddenly dumped me for her abusive ex who is 5 years young (he was 15, she was 20). that all screwed me up but when I met my wife at a friend's wedding, I asked her out and it went from there fast, 6 months later we were married. She is a good women just needs to take care of herself and get a sex drive with fantasies, talk dirty, toys,etc. like most women. Did I stop caring about sex? No. Sex helps with stress relief big time, it's healthy for you and bonds you to your other half more than any words can ever do. You can't expect a guy to pretty much give up sex when men are built on testosterone do you? To me, that's a marriage breaker.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

I've just read part of the thread, but to answer the main question... at least in a woman's point of view... I see sex as a natural way of expressing affections, and not simply as a physiological need. Not having it can have a huge impact for some people, making them feel unwanted, uncared for, disconnected. So I think that while it is ok if it's temporary, it might not be a good thing if it's indefinitely. It's just kind of not fair for the one who has a need but cannot have it satisfied.

I remember reading a Japanese comic in which the main male character finally started dating the girl he likes. But this girl later dumped him coz she has sexual trauma that makes her unable to get physical with him. She thought that he would be suffering, so that she terminated the relationship, in hope that he can find happiness with someone else. I think that this is a good decision.


It seems that you have been working through the depression issue. Your partner has to be understanding of your situation, just as you have to be understanding of his needs. In the end, it's up to you both to decide what's best to do, after understanding how long will it take to solve your depression. Also, you both have to see if it's worth to continue your relationship the way it is (if it can really improve by time), or if the sacrifice is just not worth it.


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## CarbonBunny (Dec 28, 2012)

lilith23 said:


> I've just read part of the thread, but to answer the main question... at least in a woman's point of view... I see sex as a natural way of expressing affections, and not simply as a physiological need. Not having it can have a huge impact for some people, making them feel unwanted, uncared for, disconnected. So I think that while it is ok if it's temporary, it might not be a good thing if it's indefinitely. It's just kind of not fair for the one who has a need but cannot have it satisfied.
> 
> I remember reading a Japanese comic in which the main male character finally started dating the girl he likes. But this girl later dumped him coz she has sexual trauma that makes her unable to get physical with him. She thought that he would be suffering, so that she terminated the relationship, in hope that he can find happiness with someone else. I think that this is a good decision.
> 
> ...


We aren't getting divorced. I would've had only one extensive depressive episode if it weren't for so many family members passing away unexpectedly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Should a man expect sex when wife is under a major depression? Probably not.

But, what should a wife expect when her husband is not sexually fulfilled?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Oh lord.....Major clinical depression is an illness & some depression is med-resistant. For those who have never been in the black hole...you have no idea.

The fact that the OP can come to a forum & type out a post is HUGE & I applaud her for that.

OP - you may also be "asexual." This is an unpopular sexual orientation, meaning you have no sexual drive. It is not your fault & it is not abnormal.

If your husband just wants to get off & is happy with your lack of desire and/or enthusiastic participation, then have sex with him.

It will make your life easier.


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## CarbonBunny (Dec 28, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Oh lord.....Major clinical depression is an illness & some depression is med-resistant. For those who have never been in the black hole...you have no idea.
> 
> The fact that the OP can come to a forum & type out a post is HUGE & I applaud her for that.
> 
> ...


Thank you! I have read about asexuality. It seems to fit me pretty well. I didn't want to mention it here because I saw two people get attacked on here for bringing it up. Yea, most of the time that is what I do. The periods of depression are the difficult part. I can hardly even eat when I'm in that state.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

To answer the original question, yes. If not from you, then from someone else.

Kind, understanding, benevolent partners have needs too that don't just go away because they're married to someone with a major psychological issue. Asking a spouse to go more than a few months without sex is no less a violation of a marriage than is forcing sex on an unwilling partner.


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## CarbonBunny (Dec 28, 2012)

Cletus said:


> To answer the original question, yes. If not from you, then from someone else.
> 
> Kind, understanding, benevolent partners have needs too that don't just go away because they're married to someone with a major psychological issue. Asking a spouse to go more than a few months without sex is no less a violation of a marriage than is forcing sex on an unwilling partner.


You've got to be kidding me with that response. You're saying going a few months without sex is equivalent to sexual assault???? Wow is that insulting and just plain ignorant!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

CarbonBunny said:


> You've got to be kidding me with that response. You're saying going a few months without sex is equivalent to sexual assault???? Wow is that insulting and just plain ignorant!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In each case one spouse is controlling/forcing the sexuality of their spouse. Do you think it's right to force celibacy on an unwilling partner? They may not be equivalent assaults, but they're both morally wrong.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If sex is important to you then you should have it. But it sounds like its not important to you. If that's really true then you wouldn't mind him getting it elsewhere. If you want it both ways, that is, if its only important that you control HIS sex life, while not providing for it, we'll that's just not good.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

CarbonBunny said:


> You've got to be kidding me with that response. You're saying going a few months without sex is equivalent to sexual assault???? Wow is that insulting and just plain ignorant!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So I guess you really didn't want your question answered honestly, did you?


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## CarbonBunny (Dec 28, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> If sex is important to you then you should have it. But it sounds like its not important to you. If that's really true then you wouldn't mind him getting it elsewhere. If you want it both ways, that is, if its only important that you control HIS sex life, while not providing for it, we'll that's just not good.


No, we aren't cheaters. As I Said, this is an issue that comes up every few years not often by any means. I do provide unless I am having a difficult time with life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CarbonBunny (Dec 28, 2012)

Cletus said:


> So I guess you really didn't want your question answered honestly, did you?


Yes, I did. Saying sexual assault and lack of sex is the same thing is moronic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

CarbonBunny said:


> Yes, I did. Saying sexual assault and lack of sex is the same thing is moronic.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I said forcing sex on an unwilling partner, i.e. spouse. I did not mean to imply physically raping someone, even a spouse.

Forcing celibacy on a spouse for frequent prolonged periods is the moral equivalent of telling a spouse that they must have sex with you, even when they don't want it.


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## CarbonBunny (Dec 28, 2012)

Cletus said:


> I said forcing sex on an unwilling partner, i.e. spouse. I did not mean to imply physically raping someone, even a spouse.
> 
> Forcing celibacy on a spouse for frequent prolonged periods is the moral equivalent of telling a spouse that they must have sex with you, even when they don't want it.


I really don't feel like under 5 times within well over a decade is "frequent".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

CarbonBunny said:


> Thank you! I have read about asexuality. It seems to fit me pretty well. I didn't want to mention it here because I saw two people get attacked on here for bringing it up. Yea, most of the time that is what I do. The periods of depression are the difficult part. I can hardly even eat when I'm in that state.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You see, I understand because obviously, I have been there in the black hole. I couldn't eat so drank Ensure. During my worst episode, I went from my normal weight of 135 to 90 pounds. I looked like a walking skeleton. 

I was lucky. My husband understood (unlike some people) that major clinical depression is a horrific illness which can be fatal. He did not expect me to have sex with him. No different than any person suffering from a potential fatal disease. Therefore, I agree with you, that your husband should not expect his wife who can barely eat to have sex with him.

As you have found out, this website can be a bit "hostile" to women that do not want to have sex with their husbands. The reason does not seem to matter although I suspect if you came on here saying you were dying of cancer & experiencing horrific side effects from chemo, you would get more empathy. On the flip side, we do hear from wives sometimes that have husbands who are not interested in having sex & they are told to get their T-levels checked or some other kind, helpful advice. I've yet to see a man post that he does not want to have sex with his wife but they exist IRL.

I'm happy to hear that you DO have sex with your husband even though you do not have sexual desire. It is important to him & you probably get some enjoyment out of it when you feel better.

Have you looked into all of the alternative homeopathic treatments available for depression?


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

IIRC, I have never seen asexuality the orientation itself being attacked on this site, but I have seen, a few times, being asexual and desiring a mutually exclusive & bound marriage as something attacked or at least harshly criticized...

I can't speak for them, but I'm sure even most of the harshest of the "asexuality + marriage" critics on here would give a rat's arse about someone wanting to be asexual and unmarried/in a sexually open marriage. 

That's the gist I've gotten, personally, from the posts I've been able to read on the matter, and I must say I agree with them 100%. Anyhow, this is just a small comment I wished to make on asexuality and the majority of posters here, unrelated to this thread of course I should say.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Emerald said:


> You see, I understand because obviously, I have been there in the black hole. I couldn't eat so drank Ensure. During my worst episode, I went from my normal weight of 135 to 90 pounds. I looked like a walking skeleton.
> 
> I was lucky. My husband understood (unlike some people) that major clinical depression is a horrific illness which can be fatal. He did not expect me to have sex with him. No different than any person suffering from a potential fatal disease. Therefore, I agree with you, that your husband should not expect his wife who can barely eat to have sex with him.
> 
> ...


Don't confound a sick spouse with an asexual marriage. 

Everyone I've ever seen, to the last poster, is sympathetic to someone who is ill, physically or psychologically. 

Those coming here expecting support for an asexual marriage get a harsh dose of reality, because it's reality we live in. Someone with a normal libido married to an asexual should expect their marriage to work over the long haul about as well as someone married to an alcoholic.

Even the asexuals who perform duty sex with the best intentions find that their spouse winds up dissatisfied. The asexuals, being what they are, don't seem to understand the importance of the sexual act to the long term health of a marriage with someone who is not like them. That's neither a bash nor is it surprising. It just IS.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Cletus said:


> Don't confound a sick spouse with an asexual marriage.
> 
> Everyone I've ever seen, to the last poster, is sympathetic to someone who is ill, physically or psychologically.
> 
> ...


Indeed.

I'd really hate this thread to become about asexuality, but if that beast even makes a hint at being related to what's going on here, then these facts need to be very clear and not fuddled with a "unsympathetic posters on TAM" situation... Don't think so!

Asexuality is not a "condition." It is not an illness to "sympathize" with.

I would no more offer sympathy to an asexual person experiencing sexual problems in marriage on a marriage site than I would to a car owner that doesn't like cars sharing that he/she is having car problems on a car enthusiast site, reality plain and simple.

As a marriage site, this site is basically a "Sexual Relationship Site," and as such it is impressive there is the tolerance for asexuality there is already. Despite the bewilderment many of us must feel toward desiring a bound sexual relationship, AKA marriage, while not desiring sex, most of us if not all WILL rush to the aid of a sexually-interested, viz. marriage-interested spouse who is suffering a physical/psychological ailment and needs help. Most of us do truly want to help sexual folks who are in a medical predicament, and that has nothing to do with the awkward REALITY asexuality brings into the discussion of sexual relationships such as a marriage... It just IS, as you mentioned.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Wanting a bound sexual relationship while not desiring sex. That's exactly what I was talking about. Telling a fellow human being that they can only have sex with you, and then refusing to have it, is just wrong. It's about wanting to control another person. And for what purpose? Use it or lose it I say.


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## CarbonBunny (Dec 28, 2012)

Interlocutor said:


> IIRC, I have never seen asexuality the orientation itself being attacked on this site, but I have seen, a few times, being asexual and desiring a mutually exclusive & bound marriage as something attacked or at least harshly criticized...
> 
> I can't speak for them, but I'm sure even most of the harshest of the "asexuality + marriage" critics on here would give a rat's arse about someone wanting to be asexual and unmarried/in a sexually open marriage.
> 
> That's the gist I've gotten, personally, from the posts I've been able to read on the matter, and I must say I agree with them 100%. Anyhow, this is just a small comment I wished to make on asexuality and the majority of posters here, unrelated to this thread of course I should say.


I saw a girl get completely attacked. The thread was titled asexual wife or something like that. I saw people saying she was mentally disordered. There were so many mean spirited things within that thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CarbonBunny (Dec 28, 2012)

Emerald said:


> You see, I understand because obviously, I have been there in the black hole. I couldn't eat so drank Ensure. During my worst episode, I went from my normal weight of 135 to 90 pounds. I looked like a walking skeleton.
> 
> I was lucky. My husband understood (unlike some people) that major clinical depression is a horrific illness which can be fatal. He did not expect me to have sex with him. No different than any person suffering from a potential fatal disease. Therefore, I agree with you, that your husband should not expect his wife who can barely eat to have sex with him.
> 
> ...


I am so sorry. I'm glad you have an understanding husband. 

Yes, I tried St. John's wart which left me in a daze and gave me horrible migraines, I tried acupuncture for almost a year. It didn't help at all with my depression. I also take many vitamins but those haven't done anything for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

CarbonBunny said:


> Oh okay. I think some just may not understand how depression just sucks every ounce of life out of you but my depression has been around since I've known him so that's nothing new.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 I do understand depression because I have it. I was diagnosed at 16. However I am unmediated and have been for years, all of the medication I have ever been on makes me a zombie and I don't like feeling that way. Depression will only suck the life out of you, if you allow it too. Granted i have good weeks and bad weeks (never just days). I have learned to manage my moods the best I can.

Try mass amounts of vitamin b-12. I can't remember the correct dosage you may want to Google it.

I do have a drive though, a very high one. My husband on the other hand has a very low drive. 

To answer your question Yes I would still expect sex.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

CarbonBunny said:


> I saw a girl get completely attacked. The thread was titled asexual wife or something like that. I saw people saying she was mentally disordered. There were so many mean spirited things within that thread.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If people said she was mentally ill JUST for being asexual, then those people were WAY out of line... Not our typical posters I assure you.

However, as for other attackers, were they attacking her orientation, asexuality, or were they attacking the fact that she was asexual PLUS wishing to maintain a sexually bound relationship with a heterosexual man? If they were attacking the former, I assure you it's rare here. If they were attacking the latter, then that's the reality mentioned already... I would harshly criticize that myself.

Anyhow, this is all unrelated to you because your libido is depression-related from what I've gathered I suppose?


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

MrAvg said:


> Even if you did not bath regularly and had poor hygiene? I think she has some issues that can be over come. But her hubby is not doing himself any favors when he does not take care of himself.
> 
> Maybe he gave up trying, it is hard to say which comes first. Either way I always stay clean, and expect the same from my wife.


I'm sure she meant in general, i.e. everything else standard except for one partner with bouts of depression periodically.

With those particulars you mentioned, things do get quite complicated of course.


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## CarbonBunny (Dec 28, 2012)

Interlocutor said:


> If people said she was mentally ill JUST for being asexual, then those people were WAY out of line... Not our typical posters I assure you.
> 
> However, as for other attackers, were they attacking her orientation, asexuality, or were they attacking the fact that she was asexual PLUS wishing to maintain a sexually bound relationship with a heterosexual man? If they were attacking the former, I assure you it's rare here. If they were attacking the latter, then that's the reality mentioned already... I would harshly criticize that myself.
> 
> Anyhow, this is all unrelated to you because your libido is depression-related from what I've gathered I suppose?


They called her mentally disordered for having that orientation. It was more than one person saying it.

It's because of my past sexual assaults and events in my life. When I'm under severe depression it's much worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CarbonBunny (Dec 28, 2012)

MrAvg said:


> Even if you did not bath regularly and had poor hygiene? I think she has some issues that can be over come. But her hubby is not doing himself any favors when he does not take care of himself.
> 
> Maybe he gave up trying, it is hard to say which comes first. Either way I always stay clean, and expect the same from my wife.


I can say that the hygiene issue has nothing to do with our sex life. He's grown very very lazy over the last few years. Too lazy to do any laundry, doesn't pick up after himself, calls out of work constantly and stays up late watching tv and then complains he's too tired to get up and do anything. He used to cook sometimes but now just gets fast food. He is constantly saying he just wants to sit on the couch all night because its comfortable. Maybe the weight gain has contributed to the laziness I am not sure. He gained about 80lbs. I don't care if he's overweight but I do care that he smells bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Even the asexuals who perform duty sex with the best intentions find that their spouse winds up dissatisfied. The asexuals, being what they are, don't seem to understand the importance of the sexual act to the long term health of a marriage with someone who is not like them. That's neither a bash nor is it surprising. It just IS.


Au contraire sir. Many if not most asexuals do understand the importance of a healthy sexual relationship in a marriage with a sexual person. This forum is filled with people who have little or no sexual desire struggling in their marriages. They may not identify as asexual and/or may not be asexual but those of us that do identify as asexual are not stupid. We get it & we also get that it is an uncomfortable subject for some people.

I won't comment again (in this thread) about asexuality as 
post-boxing doesn't help the OP.

OP -

I am sorry the alternative treatments for depression are not working. I hope that you get better soon & your husband can get to a place of understanding how sick you are during your bad episodes.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

It depends how bad the depressive episode is. I have bipolar disorder and suffer depression from time to time. There were times I was mildly depressed, but still had sex. If I was in a severe episode, teeth chattering, anxiety sky high, unable to eat, etc. sex would definitely we out of the question. The next time your hubby had food poisoning ask him if he wants to have sex. 

Have you ever tried Wellbutrin for your depression? It doesn't cause weight gain or sexual dysfunction and can actually boost sex drive.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I am sure you were close to your grandmother but 6 months seems like a long time. I am sorry about your depression. However, it is certainly hard for your husband and you have to evaluate whether you can try to have a normal amorous relationship. 

Do note that there are plenty of marriages that survive when wives fake it a little bit, and at least giving some effort is probably sufficient for many marriages.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

CarbonBunny said:


> I saw a girl get completely attacked. The thread was titled asexual wife or something like that. I saw people saying she was mentally disordered. There were so many mean spirited things within that thread.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As arguably the biggest supporter of the women who started that thread, I'll be the first to say that asexuality and depression are not close to the same from what I gather. If you believe you are asexual, then I auggest doing further research into that and finding out to the best of your abilities if you are or not. It's best to find out what you are truly working with and against.

I suspect your issue is depression however, not asexuality, and I suspect you are leaning the same way as well. As such, I stand by my earlier statement that for me, yes, I would expect sex. As I said before, a few months without can be done given the situation. But to go six months without, and to do so on multiple occassions, no, not something I'd be supportive of. 

While I agree that depression can rob you of any sexual desires, it does not rob your husband on his, and he is an equal in the marriage. Meeting halfway is typically the way to solve all marital problems, sex should be no different.

I think the biggest lie people believe (and I'm not directing this at you OP, just saying in general) regarding sex in a marriage is that sex isn't as important, nor holds the same expectation of mutual input and effort, as other facets of a marriage.



Bobby5000 said:


> I am sure you were close to your grandmother but 6 months seems like a long time. .


This sticks out to me. My fiancee lost both of her grandmothers, one back in 1994 I think, the other just over a year ago.

Aside from age, the biggest difference my fiancee noted in her life between the two deaths was who she was with. She was with her ex-husband for her first grandmother's passing, with me for the second.

When her first grandmother passed away, she went into a several month tail spin, including having no sex for months. I think it was nine months. She couldn't hardly pull herself out of bed, had no desire to even open the curtains. Suicide was a thought. Life was just full of tears, hurt, pain, and suffering. It was likely years before she really came back around.

When her second grandmother passed away a year ago, our sex life died off for all of eight days. And that was of her own accord. I never even hinted at sex after her grandmother died, because I knew it was a tough time for her and she needed my support, not to be badgered for sex. Overall, she took the death in stride and it had little effect past that first week on her, her life or her mood.

My fiancee said that while there were some other factors at play, the biggest reason for her change in attitude was who she was with. Now, I'm not trying to make myself out to be some great guy here, but my fiancee tells me constantly that I am more supportive, caring, comforting, etc. in one day than here ex-husband was over several years. The guy was self-centred and very ignorant.

So I ask the OP< have you contemplated whether or not it's the ma you are with that could be a root to some of your issues? He honestly doesn't sound very supportive. Based on one of your more recent posts he sounds very lazy, staying up late, calling off work, can't even be bothered to have a shower/bath? Is he at all supportive of your state?


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## CarbonBunny (Dec 28, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> As arguably the biggest supporter of the women who started that thread, I'll be the first to say that asexuality and depression are not close to the same from what I gather. If you believe you are asexual, then I auggest doing further research into that and finding out to the best of your abilities if you are or not. It's best to find out what you are truly working with and against.
> 
> I suspect your issue is depression however, not asexuality, and I suspect you are leaning the same way as well. As such, I stand by my earlier statement that for me, yes, I would expect sex. As I said before, a few months without can be done given the situation. But to go six months without, and to do so on multiple occassions, no, not something I'd be supportive of.
> 
> ...


It's very possible I'm asexual. I never had a chance to get a sex drive before my abuse so I really can't be sure. 

My husband is not supportive at all. Not one bit. I've stopped talking to him about anything I feel because he doesn't want to help me. I think I'm just noise that's distracting him from the tv. He also tells me it's pointless to speak about my issues because it won't help in the long run. He also thinks my therapy is just wasting our money. I do the best I can but he thinks I am just wasting time and money. I don't think I've spoken my true feelings to him in over five years. So you are right.. I believe support would make a huge difference. I doubt it would give me a sex drive but it would help my depression. It sucks to cry in bed all day and not have anyone ask if you're okay or if you need anything or if you just want to talk. I don't get any of that. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

CarbonBunny said:


> It's very possible I'm asexual. I never had a chance to get a sex drive before my abuse so I really can't be sure.
> 
> My husband is not supportive at all. Not one bit. I've stopped talking to him about anything I feel because he doesn't want to help me. I think I'm just noise that's distracting him from the tv. He also tells me it's pointless to speak about my issues because it won't help in the long run. He also thinks my therapy is just wasting our money. I do the best I can but he thinks I am just wasting time and money. I don't think I've spoken my true feelings to him in over five years. So you are right.. I believe support would make a huge difference.* I doubt it would give me a sex drive but it would help my depression. *It sucks to cry in bed all day and not have anyone ask if you're okay or if you need anything or if you just want to talk. I don't get any of that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't necessarily jump that conclusion.

You may be correct in your self-diagnosis/belief that you are asexual. But you may not be.

One of the reasons my fiancee had zero sex drive with her ex-husband and for the first years with me is because of how she'd been treated by her husband and by men in general. By the time I came into the picture, she simply believed that all men wanted was sex and had become pretty bitter towards men in general (not that I blame her, there was a lot of issues there beyond a bad marriage, including childhood sexual abuse, parents divorcing, worry over her step-dad doing something sexual towards her, crappy boyfriends, etc.).

She believed she had no libido and that sex wasn't something she wanted. What we have come to realize now is that her lack of libido was largely due to the men she had had in her life (sexual partners and father figure types). She had had so few, if any, examples of a 'good' man in her life that it had turned her against men to a degree. This led to a lack of sexual desire. It was confusing, but over time she eventually came to understand the two were linked. Now, while our sex life isn't off the charts great, it is very good and we are in what I call a growth spurt, where new positions and ideas are being discussed and tried almost weekly. She's genuinely enjoying our sex life, and she says that while I'm not the best sex partner she's ever had, I am the best lover she's had. Big difference between the two, with one being all about sex, the other being about the emotional connection behind the sex.

To be honest, my fiancee said that I am the first guy she's been with where there was this emotional connection from sex. She never got that before, even from her ex-husband. Now I'm not saying you and her are identicial at all, but maybe your lack of a sex drive could come from lacking a partner who is supportive and caring in the general relationship. I can't imagine it's easy for any woman (or man for that matter) to get into the mood when their sex partner can't be bothered to even listen to what they did that day, get off the couch, or just belittles their problems as being unhelpable and therapy as a "waste of money."

You may find that if your husband is more supportive of you and what you are going through, you may have a larger sex drive.

Personally, I think you have larger general relationship issues if your husband is that cold towards you and your personal problems. I don't blame you for not being in the mood. I am so happy I'm in a relationship where my fiancee looks at my needs and wants as something she needs to support, and I'm glad I can say I'm the same way towards her.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

Hicks said:


> I guess I would turn the question around a little bit.
> 
> Should you expect your husband not to want sex becuase you are depressed?
> 
> ...


Exactly. I understand where the OP is coming from; depression, anxiety, etc can make life very, very difficult. 

On the other hand, sometimes we get caught up in the secondary gain of our afflictions. On a conscious or subconscious level, we tell ourselves we can withdraw from our responsibilities if we are "sick." Kind of like the the child who learns they can stay home from school when they are sick.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

CarbonBunny said:


> No, you aren't understanding. I'm saying he is a selfish lover because he has told in his past relationships before me that it was such a lengthy chore to get a girl off. He said by the time he got the girl off he wasn't even in the mood anymore. That's why I say he's a selfish lover. I am saying it as something I feel is a positive quality.
> 
> I was in no way saying anything changed. Nothing has changed. Years and years ago he only ever complained if I were depressed for a long period of time. No different now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are absolutley correct, I don't understand. The original question, in your title, is:



> Would you expect sex if your wife is under major depression?


You then relate in your subsequent posts that you find sex disgusting and a violation. Apparently, this was before you got depressed. So now you have major depression issues and are not even willing to give him the pity sex you gave him before. So the question I am asking is why you think that a man who knows that you consider sex to be a violation yet still asks for it should suddenly understand that asking sex while you have these depression issues is being "unfair and pretty insensitive" (your words from your first post).

That is why I am asking what has changed. What makes you think he would change his thinking? What changed in him or you that causes you to think this?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

CarbonBunny said:


> *My husband is not supportive at all. Not one bit. *I've stopped talking to him about anything I feel because he doesn't want to help me. I think I'm just noise that's distracting him from the tv. He also tells me it's pointless to speak about my issues because it won't help in the long run. He also thinks my therapy is just wasting our money. I do the best I can but he thinks I am just wasting time and money. I don't think I've spoken my true feelings to him in over five years. So you are right.. I believe support would make a huge difference. I doubt it would give me a sex drive but it would help my depression. It sucks to cry in bed all day and not have anyone ask if you're okay or if you need anything or if you just want to talk. I don't get any of that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Has he always been like this, or has it evolved? With respect to your therapy, has he ever supported it, or has it always been a waste of time. Try and look back without all this current stuff clouding it to when you first met and got married? How was he then, versus how he is now.


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## CarbonBunny (Dec 28, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Has he always been like this, or has it evolved? With respect to your therapy, has he ever supported it, or has it always been a waste of time. Try and look back without all this current stuff clouding it to when you first met and got married? How was he then, versus how he is now.


No, I've always had depression since before we met. The amount of sex has always been constituent minus the depressive episodes. He has gotten lazier since the weight gain which happened over the last two years. I'm not saying anything suddenly changed. I just brought it up since I found this forum and had never seem it before. He has always thought of therapy as being pointless. He thinks I would be no different without it but that's not true at all. It keeps me stable most of the time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

CarbonBunny said:


> No, I've always had depression since before we met. The amount of sex has always been constituent minus the depressive episodes. He has gotten lazier since the weight gain which happened over the last two years. I'm not saying anything suddenly changed. I just brought it up since I found this forum and had never seem it before. He has always thought of therapy as being pointless. He thinks I would be no different without it but that's not true at all. It keeps me stable most of the time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What I am trying to figure out is whether his behavior has been consistent, or has it changed. This may give you some insight into why he is acting as he does, that is, whether he has changed or he is just being the same guy.

I will ask again why, if he has no issue with having sex when you consider it a violation, are you upset that he wants sex when you are having depressive episodes. Why do you expect him to care now when he has not in the past?


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## CarbonBunny (Dec 28, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> What I am trying to figure out is whether his behavior has been consistent, or has it changed. This may give you some insight into why he is acting as he does, that is, whether he has changed or he is just being the same guy.
> 
> I will ask again why, if he has no issue with having sex when you consider it a violation, are you upset that he wants sex when you are having depressive episodes. Why do you expect him to care now when he has not in the past?


He's been consistent but gotten lazier.

I've always expected him to care and he never has. Which I don't like really but i don't have episodes like that often so it's not a constant issue that comes up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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