# Could you get past a spouse telling they do not love you as much anymore?



## SoooConfused (Dec 12, 2012)

OK, so this is my second question to my anonymous group of cyber friends. 

Summary: My husband and I have been married 5 years, we always argue, mainly about how he speaks to me and treats me. It is normally aggressive, mean spirited and cold. Now I would not stay with someone if he was like this all the time, there are always moments where we just make sense, when we are funny and witty, and get each other. Those moments are so amazing and hopeful, but they never last long. 

Recently we had an argument over the fact that he kept pushing me away when I tried to show affection and he ended the conversation by saying...

...he didn't love me as much as he once did...

After a few days of thought I decided that what he was speaking in guy code, "i don't love you as much..." translates to "i don't love you anymore, period, I'm just trying to make it sound better..." 

OK, so do you agree that(based on how a typical guy works) that he is really not in love anymore? 

But most importantly...My question to you all is, would you be able to get past that either translation???? If you went to counseling or he apologized, would you be able to get over the hurt of being told that?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I would take that as he doesn't love you anymore. Start making exit plans right away. This doesn't good at all.

I'd also wonder if you've been replaced by another woman. Have you checked to see if he's cheating?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I would take that as he doesn't love you anymore. Start making exit plans right away. This doesn't good at all.
> 
> I'd also wonder if you've been replaced by another woman. Have you checked to see if he's cheating?


Good question check his phone and the bill.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

He has found or is looking for your replacement.Keep in mind,you'd get the same comment whether you were a woman or a man.

If he doesn't have or isn't looking for a replacement,I'd have to know why he feels the way he does.What happened to push him to that.

His reasons would determine whether or not I could bring myself to stick around.


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## AlmostYoung (May 24, 2012)

I love how the second post to threads on this board are often "Make Exit Plans, Get D". My god, is there ever a reason to stay together anymore?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

AlmostYoung said:


> My god, is there ever a reason to stay together anymore?


Ask yourself that question when the person you love is telling you they don't love you as much as they used to or don't love you at all anymore.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

SoooConfused said:


> OK, so this is my second question to my anonymous group of cyber friends.
> 
> Summary: My husband and I have been married 5 years, we always argue, mainly about how he speaks to me and treats me. It is normally aggressive, mean spirited and cold. Now I would not stay with someone if he was like this all the time, there are always moments where we just make sense, when we are funny and witty, and get each other. Those moments are so amazing and hopeful, but they never last long.
> 
> ...


Agree with I'mInLoveWithMyHubby, this is code. I hope you two don't have children.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

AlmostYoung said:


> I love how the second post to threads on this board are often "Make Exit Plans, Get D". My god, is there ever a reason to stay together anymore?


I am pro-marriage. There are reasons to D, Abuse, Adultery and Addiction. What is described here may be two of those.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

It certainly doesn't mean it's time for divorce.

But with either translation (and I don't subscribe to the "I don't love you anymore" translation) you need to find out why he feels that way.

There's always two sides to the issue. I'm not saying you're to blame, but could lack of attention/sex, a misspoke word, a careless action pushed him away from you?

Can you get past it? You see in these forums couples who have gotten past a lot worse than that, but it takes work. Marriage takes work. Sometimes a third party (marriage counselor) can help. Have you seen one yet?


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> It certainly doesn't mean it's time for divorce.
> 
> But with either translation (and I don't subscribe to the "I don't love you anymore" translation) you need to find out why he feels that way.
> 
> ...


:iagree: It is about proper communication.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> It certainly doesn't mean it's time for divorce.
> 
> But with either translation (and I don't subscribe to the "I don't love you anymore" translation) you need to find out why he feels that way.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I'm with Chris on this one.

I don't think your at Ds door yet but it all depends on what else is going on with you guys and what his other behaviors are.

Is he texting alot? Working more? Hanging out with "the guys" more?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I've wanted to (but haven't) say that to my wife for a long time. I first started thinking in those terms a few years ago when I decided in my head that some of the things I found somewhat annoying were actually "fundamental" issues that I wasn't sure I wanted to live with. Basic personality traits that I was blind to at the beginning of our relationship.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I've wanted to (but haven't) say that to my wife for a long time. I first started thinking in those terms a few years ago when I decided in my head that some of the things I found somewhat annoying were actually "fundamental" issues that I wasn't sure I wanted to live with. Basic personality traits that I was blind to at the beginning of our relationship.


Same here. For years I felt I loved ly wife, but not as much. But I wasn't looking to cheat or divorce.

It sounds like the whole "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" argument.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

SoooConfused said:


> we always argue, mainly about how he speaks to me and treats me. It is normally aggressive, mean spirited and cold.


Having judged the poor guy to be aggressive, mean spirited and cold as a normal state, I'm surprised he still loves you at all. I'm guessing you haven't gotten around to telling him how you feel about him yet.

That said, the feeling of love wanes over time, but it can be restored. Try going for an entire week without saying anything critical about his communication style and tell him at least one thing you admire about him every day. I'll be that love tank will fill right up


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## AlmostYoung (May 24, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Ask yourself that question when the person you love is telling you they don't love you as much as they used to or don't love you at all anymore.


You do know that marriages can and do weather these types of “I’m not in love” declarations all the time, don’t you? The problem is not so much that someone said it, it’s that one or both partners believed it meant the M was doomed. It’s not only possible to recover from this, but the resulting M can be better than it was to begin with. 

Actually, that’s what normally happens. Either you split up, (near instantly if you follow what seems to be popular advice) or stick it out and make a new and better marriage. 

Love is not some magical emotion that maintains itself like our media leads us to believe, it must be nurtured to survive.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

AlmostYoung said:


> You do know that marriages can and do weather these types of “I’m not in love” declarations all the time, don’t you? The problem is not so much that someone said it, it’s that one or both partners believed it meant the M was doomed. It’s not only possible to recover from this, but the resulting M can be better than it was to begin with.
> 
> Actually, that’s what normally happens. Either you split up, (near instantly if you follow what seems to be popular advice) or stick it out and make a new and better marriage.
> 
> Love does not magically maintain itself like our media leads us to believe, it must be nurtured to survive.


I'm aware.see my reply to OP.Depending what his reason are would depend on whether or not the marriage can weather the comment.
But the OP doesn't give much more info other than her husband is cold,callous,and makes comments such as I don't love you as much.Sounds abusive right off the bat,of course people will suggest op make an exit plan just in case things can't be repaired.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I've wanted to (but haven't) say that to my wife for a long time. I first started thinking in those terms a few years ago when I decided in my head that some of the things I found somewhat annoying were actually "fundamental" issues that I wasn't sure I wanted to live with. Basic personality traits that I was blind to at the beginning of our relationship.


Sorry for the hijack here, but the feeling of love is a mental discipline issue. Stop allowing yourself to think critical thoughts and start thinking more about the characteristics you like and that loving feeling will come right back


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Stop allowing yourself to think critical thoughts and start thinking more about the characteristics you like and that loving feeling will come right back


:iagree::iagree:

Tried this for myself with my SO and it works.Rather than venting about him,I spoke nothing but positive things about him.Rather than thinking about something that happened between us to upset me,which was probably small to begin with,I focused on something sweet he said or did.

It DOES WORK!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

When I told my first husband I wasn't in love with him I meant it. I was tired of the abuse and I finally had proof he was cheating. Once I left, I immediately filed for divorce. I was getting run down fighting and standing up for myself.

I've been married a second time for nearly 13 years. Not once would my husband and I say this to each other. In the last 14 years I never not loved him. Actually we tell each other everyday "I love you" and always with a kiss. I do not believe in quick divorces either, but abuse and infidelity are my deal breakers. I will not give a second chance at either. 

I find those words very hurtful. He would never of said them in the first place if he didn't mean it. Your husband doesn't have any respect for you and if he's always angry and aggressive, I bet you that he's abusive too. This is not a man I would choose to stay married to.


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## SoooConfused (Dec 12, 2012)

Wow! Thank you all for your thoughts, this has been very helpful. 

To answer some questions

Kids? 

No I don’t have kids. I was waiting until after I got my MBA (hopefully I will start next year). To be honest, I have not been happy for a while, looking back I think I stayed for so long because I was just so hopeful that things would change over time, but deep inside I knew that I shouldn’t have kids because I didn’t really know if this would last. 

Is he replacing me?

I don’t think so; he is not really that kind of person. He doesn’t hang out with friends a lot or party he is just very focused on grad school and his career goals so he is busy all the time with those things. But who the heck knows… you make time for the things you care about…maybe is caring about someone else. 

Counseling?

None yet…what can I say the man is too busy:scratchhead: ...I have been talking about counseling for a long time, especially since I realized they are free through his school…he says he wants to do it, but is too busy at the moment. I hoping to go when finals are over…we’ll see. I told him once that even President Obama takes time out from his day to tuck his 3 girls in each night, that he can’t be more busy than the President...apparently he is

At this point I am just trying to figure out the next step. I so conflicted, I don’t want to throw away a marriage, they do take work, but in the same breath he has to be willing to work too and so far he hasn’t been. I want to try counseling, but I don’t even know if there is a point anymore. I’m not asking for pity just ending the story….

Thanks again everyone, all your opinions were actually very helpful!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Just to let you know, my wife and I got married when we were both in graduate school... and I don't ever remember being that high strung that I would ever had treated her so crass. And, I am talking a graduate program that had me in the lab six days week up to 10 hours a day. My wife's graduate program had her doing clinical work that consumed time along with her clinical reports she had write after the fact. We always found our time together more of a stress relief and pleasure time away from the work and stress of graduate school.


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## SoooConfused (Dec 12, 2012)

drerio said:


> Just to let you know, my wife and I got married when we were both in graduate school... and I don't ever remember being that high strung that I would ever had treated her so crass. And, I am talking a graduate program that had me in the lab six days week up to 10 hours a day. My wife's graduate program had her doing clinical work that consumed time along with her clinical reports she had write after the fact. We always found our time together more of a stress relief and pleasure time away from the work and stress of graduate school.


I believe you!! my best friend is in a big time law school here and working a full time job where she has to travel all the time and work strange hours, she makes time for her guy and her family. When I tell him these stories he gets upset that I compare him to other people...OYE!

Thanks for the note.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

That's mean but he could be acting like a big baby and he really does love you. Just Take care of your self dotn hang on his every word..(((HUGS))))


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I am a male that is crazy and damaged but NO WAY IN HELL would I say to my wife I loved her less. NONE!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

SC, 
Let's start with problem number 1: you very much dislike how he treats you when he is upset. This has to be addressed, or the marriage will fail. 

Problem 2 is different and equally serious. He is moving towards a divorce and instead of wanting to know WHY, you want him to apologize because you dislike what he said. 

Generally best to seek to understand first and seek to be understood second. In that vein:
1. Open ended questions are typically most effective. From you to him:
A. It sounds like you are falling out of love or have already fallen out of love, yes? (get him to respond) 
B. Is this something you are willing to put effort into to fix or were you simply telling me so I have a bit of time to adjust to the idea that the end is near? 

No matter what he says, tell him that you would like the simple courtesy of an explanation. And then get him to talk. 

Here's the deal. If he has fallen for someone else he will say stuff that is true, but has always been true about you. If he hasn't fallen for someone else, he is more likely to say things that, while hurtful, make sense. 

Your original post lacks chronology. Was he always cold and aggressive and mean to you, but you hoped he would improve? Or was there a point in time where his behavior rapidly changed for the worse? 

What has changed about you? 
What has changed about him? 
What has changed about your overall situation? Finances? Sex life? Fitness levels? Other external stress factors? 

An exercise in self awareness might be useful. Are there triggers or patterns to his aggressive, mean behavior? Or does it seem random? 

Let me give you an example. 

My wife asks me to fix something on the computer. A week later I sit down and begin to work on it in a focused and uninterrupted manner. After two hours I am tense and irritated, it isn't fixed and I have no good means for estimating how long it will take to finish. 

My W comes in and asks me 'how it is going'. 

So I am now going to freeze time for a moment and provide context. 

My W is sometimes color blind when it comes to other people's emotional states. She will readily tell you that she is impatient which means she might feel either intensely curious or irritated if a task is taking longer than she thinks it should. And last but not least she seems to like fitness testing me to see how I respond. 

When MY self awareness is high I remind myself at the start to expect the wife interrupting me and maybe even acting in a way that seems impatient/ungrateful. When I do that, everything goes smoothly. I might banter with her about providing good support services while I am working such as bringing me a drink. 

When I don't remind myself to expect an unwanted interruption, I sometimes bite her head off. Here's the thing. I can't change her. And honestly her behavior is patterned so there is no reason for me to be surprised. That said, there are times when she is over the top in this area, and then she hears me sigh, and I am quiet for a while. Usually there is a pattern. And almost always we are the biggest contributors to the outcomes we claim to detest. 

If he is just a jerk, neither he nor you will be able to identify a pattern, because he is a jerk. And at that point, with no trigger to manage, you can assert boundaries and tell him to greatly reduce the jerk quotient JQ, or you will end the marriage. 

I find most of my wife's behavior to be delightful and cute and spicy and edgy all at once like a world class boulibase with a kick.


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