# My marriage is failing..



## Kat89 (Jun 4, 2018)

I just really need some advice....So here is goes, I have been married 5 years and to me it seems like the entire marriage has been a struggle that I wanted to work so badly seeing how we have two daughters 3 and 6. I just recently became a nurse and started working although right now I only work 8 hrs per week until things change where I work, which my husband is fine with money really isn’t a issue seeing how I was a stay at home mom before..(which was his idea). The problem we have always had is my husband does not communicate with me what so ever unless its asking me to do something or help him. He works and comes home and I literally have to follow him around and come up with things to talk about just so I can have a conversation with him. We go days without hugging or kissing each other, we go to bed without kisses good night and basically I feel like we are roommates raising children together.. I am just exhausted trying so hard to fight for a marriage by myself. I am tired of fighting. Most of our fights are because my husband will just be in a bad mood toward everyone and I am not the type of person to let someone treat me like that, I dont treat him like that so how is that fair? Why am I supposed to take the rude comments and bad attitude without saying “hey stop your hurting my feelings”? Because the minute I saying anything I am being told I am just trying to start a fight.. I dont want to keep having these petty fights but I dont want to let someone walk all over me either... and most importantly I dont want to put my poor kids through this anymore! I just need advice I have no friends to go to so I have been beating myself over this for far too long


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Can I ask you, how did it get to this place of no affection and communication? Was it always this way from the beginning or did things change over the years? How is he with the kids and with friends and family?

Just trying to understand what went wrong and what he is like.


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## Kat89 (Jun 4, 2018)

He has never been good at communication even before getting married (which should have been a red flag I’m sure), the affection part comes from me pushing him away because I feel no other connection to him so its hard to open up to him in that way. He is good with the kids as in he works hard to provide for them and goes to their activities, parenting is probably the only thing we are good at doing together we both have said that to one another.. As far as him with my family it has always been rough, he just sits there doesn’t really try to engage with anyone unless its smart*** remarks. As for his family its all messed up, his parents had him at the age of 18 and were only married a few years and it was awful, his father was never around and was always out drinking and going to bars. His mom is a bipolar narcissist, probably the most selfish person I have met...all through his childhood she jumped from man to man and my husband was practically raised by his grandmother.. So he doesn’t have much of a relationship with his parents like I do mine.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Kat89 said:


> I just really need some advice....So here is goes, I have been married 5 years and to me it seems like the entire marriage has been a struggle that I wanted to work so badly seeing how we have two daughters 3 and 6. ... The problem we have always had is *my husband does not communicate with me what so ever* unless its asking me to do something or help him. He works and comes home and* I literally have to follow him around* and come up with things to talk about just so I can have a conversation with him. We go days without hugging or kissing each other, we go to bed without kisses good night and basically I feel like we are roommates raising children together.. I am just exhausted trying so hard to fight for a marriage by myself.* I am tired of fighting.*


So I've cut a few parts out of your first post, but may I make a suggestion? For the time being, let's not dive into the whole fighting or lack of affection parts, and let's just look at the three things I put into bold: 1) your husband does not communicate whatsoever, 2) you have to follow him around, and 3) you are tired of fighting

1) Your husband does not communicate whatsoever. Is it possible that the WAY he communicates is a way you don't see or notice? Let me give you an example: my Dear Hubby and I had 7 children, and of those kids, 2 of them were extreme introverts and rarely spoke out loud (they still don't). And yet they communicated CLEARLY every day! By being quiet and watching them, what I learned was that they communicated their mood, their thoughts, and their feelings through the music they chose. If they had an upbeat song playing, they were feeling okay. If they had metal playing, they were feeling upset about something and wanted to vent. If they had a cheating song on, they were heart broken. So they WERE communicating, but I had to take the time to figure out how THEY were doing it, and then also learn what they meant. Could it be similar with your husband? Maybe he's just not verbal. Think about it--does he express in ways that just aren't with words?

2) You have to follow him around. Have you ever had someone follow you around and yak yak yak yak yak when all you want in the world is to be left alone so you can take a breath and become a human again? I'm not saying you literally "follow him around" because you didn't say that's what you actually do, but I wonder if it doesn't feel to him like you're this needy puppy who is pressuring him to be verbal right when he's feeling least verbal. Speaking as someone who's been "the breadwinner" for a family, it can be pretty intimidating, and at the end of the day all I want to do is have about 30 minutes to decompress and let it all go. Maybe he's an introvert and not so good at talking--and even LESS good at it when he's tired from working all day. Maybe he'd be okay with talking if he had 30 minutes (shrug). Have you ever asked him if that would make him feel better? Even if you don't ask him, I'd say it might be a wise idea to just chill on "following him around" and instead do some things around home that make you happy (like light a candle and do some cross-stitch for a little while) and then after a bit throw out a joke or something lighter to get the ball rolling. 

3) You are tired of fighting. You can choose to stop, you know. You don't have to fight, even if he chooses to do so. Next time he is grouchy and you've left him alone...just keep saying over and over again: "I'm sorry you feel that way. My opinion differs greatly." Period. The end. You don't need to force him to see it your way...and you don't need to see it his way. If you don't want to fight, just say 'I don't want to fight" and stop fighting. You don't have to--you can choose to be kind instead if you want. 



> ...I dont want to keep having these petty fights but I dont want to let someone walk all over me either... and most importantly I dont want to put my poor kids through this anymore! I just need advice I have no friends to go to so I have been beating myself over this for far too long


I would say to just stop fighting. If he wants to be in a grouchy mood, that's his choice. You can choose something else and that's not letting someone walk all over you--it's just making a different choice. If you keep doing things the same, it will keep being the same so you're going to have to change something! I say just repeat: "I'm sorry you feel that way. My opinion differs greatly."


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Kat89 said:


> He has never been good at communication even before getting married (which should have been a red flag I’m sure), the affection part comes from me pushing him away because I feel no other connection to him so its hard to open up to him in that way.


This sounds kind of like a vicious cycle. He doesn't communicate well, so you push him away when he wants intimacy, then he probably shuts down even more. Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but that was similar to what I experienced in my previous marriage. Have you tried marriage counseling, it might help to have someone direct a conversation in a way where he can express himself.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Kat89 said:


> He has never been good at communication even before getting married (which should have been a red flag I’m sure), the affection part comes from me pushing him away because I feel no other connection to him so its hard to open up to him in that way.* He is good with the kids as in he works hard to provide for them and goes to their activities, parenting is probably the only thing we are good at doing together we both have said that to one another..* As far as him with my family it has always been rough, he just sits there doesn’t really try to engage with anyone unless its smart*** remarks. As for his family its all messed up, his parents had him at the age of 18 and were only married a few years and it was awful, his father was never around and was always out drinking and going to bars. His mom is a bipolar narcissist, probably the most selfish person I have met...all through his childhood she jumped from man to man and my husband was practically raised by his grandmother.. So he doesn’t have much of a relationship with his parents like I do mine.


You've got a lot to work with here. But you've got to figure out how you both can be happy. What are you needing from him? What does he need from you?
Communication? About what?
Tell him what you need. Tell him you need 15 minutes a day just talking about whatever. Even if it's hard at first, stick with it.
See a marriage counselor if possible. 
Find out if he's interested in working on the marriage, or if he wants a divorce.

I assure you that he is not totally at fault. Neither are you. 

You are about to fall out of love with your husband. Have you already? Something must happen to shake things up. They're not working right now.

But you loved one another once. You enjoyed one another's company. You can again, if you change some things.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

When my kids were young and things were falling apart. One of the things I did was when my H came home from work, I let him relax for an hour. After we greet him, we leave him alone. He would watch a game on tv, eat dinner and hold the kids. Daddy is home, so the kids would think its fun time now. So, he would have the kids crawl up his lap and they would cuddle up to him. 

I did not talk to him about anything, just relax or clean the kitchen. We did not talk about any problems I had during the day. I did not complain to him about anything. 

I would give him little kisses and hugs all the time. I stop saying no to intimacies unless I had a headache or my period or was sick. 

My H is not a talker. But he loves when we sit down together and watch tv, I would hold his hand. I do most of the talking and he would respond as he choose. 

I show my husband how I feel about him by the things I do for him. I cook a nice meal for him. I make him a good drink. I rub his feet or his neck. I am over the moon when he does things for me, like detailing my car or cleaning the front yard. Or re-grouting the bathroom. 

One thing that is annoying is someone following me around trying to talk, unless we have a conversation going on. Everyone needs some alone time and quiet. With four kids in the house I bet that is hard for both of you.

I think you both need to spend more time together with no bickering. Stop forcing him to converse. You need to change your approach; no bickering or complaining about what he is like or how much he talks. Don't bring up negative things constantly. Don't blame him for things that he has no control over. 

Start being more positive within yourself. Find a hobby or something you enjoy. Take care of yourself. Enjoy your kids while they are young. Once you become happy with yourself, it should lead to a more positive view on life and your marriage. And it will reach all parts of your life. 

I would highly recommend two books for you: 
His needs Her needs by Harley

5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Read those books by yourself. Implement what you learn and stay steady on the course. Once you have noticeable changes then you can introduce your husband to the books.

Good luck. And let us know how you are doing.


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