# Wife wants me out..



## shocklost (Mar 2, 2012)

Hello,
My wife and I have been married for 8 years and we have three wonderful children. We got married pretty fast (pregnancy sped it up), but I was head over heals for her. After about year 2 or three is when our problems really started. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was slowly turning my wife against me and pushing her away. 

We recently attended one of those weekend marriage workshops. While it didn't solve our problems, it did help me to better understand where my wife was coming from and to see our marriage through her eyes. What I saw crushed me. There are so many things that I've been doing wrong over the years. I have never been able to communicate with her, I have avoided conflict and dealing with our problems, I never validated her feelings( I didn't even know what that meant). I always thought that just because I loved her, that was enough and everything else would take care of itself. 

So now I understand where I went wrong and how bad a husband I've been. I hate myself for what I've done to her and how I must have made her feel. I can't blame her for hating me. 

I have sought help for myself, trying to work on some of my issuses with communication but I think she is convinced that I can't change and that we are too different to be together. I have tried to plea with her that nothing I did ( or didn't do) was on purpose and that I am seeking help, but I'm affraid it might be too late. It feels like she hates me even more because it took her wanting to end it for me to want to change and work on it.

So here I am, a month and a half after she dropped the bomb on me, and I'm still hurting as much as the moment she told me. I hope it's not too late, but I have no idea where to go or what to do at this point. Any advice or support would be very much appreciated.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

shocklost- I'm very sorry to read of your situation. Without you giving more details, it is hard to give you very specific advice. Depending on the specifics of what you've done, results may range anywhere from, "sorry, you deserve to be kicked out" all the way to "run for the door, you'll be better off without her."

Going to a marriage weekend workshop shows sincere interest on your part to make things better.

But regardless of the details, you also have to acknowledge and react to what your wife is saying. And based on that, I recommend that you:

1) See a lawyer to make sure that you understand your legal position. Don't move out of the house before you discuss this with a lawyer.

2) See a Doctor and get tested for STDs. Just in case.

3) Search this site until you find a link to the 180. It is a set of behaviors that you can undertake to try and get your emotions under control and clear your thinking up a little bit.


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

Do not leave.. Better chance when both are still in the house. Start by being her best friend and taking her on weekly date. Make her smile again with no pressures.


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## talkitout (Feb 21, 2012)

Shocklost,

No matter your faults, you did not get your marriage to the point where it is alone. She'll try to get you to believe that, and it appears she has done a good job. I too am being made feel this way by my ex-gf. I admit my faults and am willing to work on them, but she no longer wants to work on the relationship. If your wife wanted this to work she'd fight for it along side you.


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## shocklost (Mar 2, 2012)

It wasn't anything that I did to her, it's what I didn't do for her. I have trouble communicating with her, but untill I started seeking help resently, I never understood how big of a problem this was. 
Heres basically a breakdown of our time together--dated 8 months,,got married, I deployed 1 month later; got home 9 months later; got out of the military and next 5 years we were broke and going to school while raising 2 kids; had a 3rd kid and graduated..these last 2 years, Both got decent jobs and we finally have some stability.
I know it's no excuse, but school was very hard for me, so I do credit some of my distance and lack of communication to the stress of what we were going through at the time.

About a year ago, I started to notice that she was acting differently. After awhile I started to snoop around and I found very graffic, sexual text messages to another married man. The more I looked, the more I found. She had spent the night where he works 3 times ( claiming it was work related) and once I confronted her about it, she swore up and down that it was nothing physical.
Point is, she has given me reasons too. But I can't help but love her and don't want to lose her.
It just seems that this just came out of the blue. I knew we had issues, but I didn't realize that it went straight to divorce?


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## shocklost (Mar 2, 2012)

I would love to stay, but I think it's too late for that. She won't talk to me. She has been having a lot of "meetings" that have been keeping her out late.


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## shocklost (Mar 2, 2012)

Another thing I'm wondering.. I have tried to agree to everything she is asking inorder to not upset her. She makes more money than I do (ability to work overtime) so in an effort to try and pay off some of our debt, I've agreed to go to the house everyday after work and keep the kids untill she gets home( save on daycare plus I get to be with my kids everyday), and also take care of things around the house(maintainence, mowing, etc). 
My question is, should I be doing all of this for her? How is she going to know what it's like to not have me around if I'm still doing all the things I was before? Or should I just shut up and do whatever she wants if I want any chance of getting her back?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Has she ended the affair? Until you resolve that, it doesn't much matter what you do.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You really do need to stay in your home. That is where your children live rigith? Do not leave your children, not without talking to a lawyer first. It could put in a very bad place when it comes to divorce and custody.

Can you really afford to get your own place and support your children and her? Do not put that financial strain on yourself right now.

Stay with your children.

If you have to move into a room in the house. So what if she does not talk to you. Just be a friend... do good things for her for a while. And spend as much time as you can with your kids.

Many marriages recover even when at the point your is at.


Since she is in an affair, tell her that she has two choices... either she stays in the house with you, stops all contact with her affair partner or she leaves. Those are your choices.

Legally neither of you can kick the other out of the family/marital home. It takes a court order and the court usually will not do it until the divorce is final.

If you leave your are helping her continue her affair. Your could also be handing her custody of your children.

Gather evidence of the affair. Talk to an attorney about what you need if you can use infidelity as a reason for divorce.

Once you have irrefutable evidence of the affair, expose it. Tell the other man’s wife. When you do this he will then be focuses on trying to save his marriage. Tell his family and ask them to help you with getting our wife to end her affair. Tell your family. Tell friends. Tell his employer…. That he is using his job to seduce your wife.

But whatever you do not move out right now.


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## shocklost (Mar 2, 2012)

PBear said:


> Has she ended the affair? Until you resolve that, it doesn't much matter what you do.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She tells me it wasn't an affair. They were just friends that had a little smut talk on time. What are the odds, the one time she does it is the time I happen to look?? Anyway, as far as I know, she doesn't have any contact with him anymore. 
I asked her if there is someone else now.. And she tells me no. I want to believe her.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

shocklost said:


> She tells me it wasn't an affair. They were just friends that had a little smut talk on time. What are the odds, the one time she does it is the time I happen to look?? Anyway, as far as I know, she doesn't have any contact with him anymore.
> I asked her if there is someone else now.. And she tells me no. I want to believe her.


Yes it is.... I would NEVER have had ANY smut talk with another man before.... She is not accepting what she has done. And I have to say, a friend and I started doing that, and within no time we were getting physical...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

shocklost said:


> Another thing I'm wondering.. I have tried to agree to everything she is asking inorder to not upset her. She makes more money than I do (ability to work overtime) so in an effort to try and pay off some of our debt, I've agreed to go to the house everyday after work and keep the kids untill she gets home( save on daycare plus I get to be with my kids everyday), and also take care of things around the house(maintainence, mowing, etc).
> My question is, should I be doing all of this for her? How is she going to know what it's like to not have me around if I'm still doing all the things I was before? Or should I just shut up and do whatever she wants if I want any chance of getting her back?


No do not shut up and do whatever she wants to get her back. That will never get her back. It will only help her with her affair.
To get her back you need to cause some waves and have her see that her choices have consequences. If you expose the affair the OMW (other man’s wife) the OM will be focused on his marriage and could very well abandon your wife. This will put her in a tail spin… shatter he fantasy. That’s what you want to make the affair so uncomfortable and to show her how much she is losing because of the affair.

You have already moved out? Move back in. It's your home as well. She cannot kick you out.


Do you see what has already happened? You moved out and now she controls how much ou see your children. Is this really what you want? Move back in and tell her that if she wants to get a divorce she is free to leave but you are not leaving your children. When it comes time for the divorce, you should be righting for 50/50 custody of your children. And if she makes more she will be paying you child support.

Also if you file for divorce, she might have to pay you spousal support.

If you do decide to stay where you have moved to then yes do the baby sitting thing. It’s saving money right now and shows that you care for you children. Then go see an attorney ASAP to file for divorce and have the attorney set up an interim custody agreement where you have the children 50% of the time. She will most likely have to pay you child support. You can also ask the attorney to ask the court to have your legal fees paid out of marital assets and income… this means that she will be paying part or all of your legal fees.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

What right does your wife have to villify you when she went outside the marriage and cheated on you?! Don't be so passive on this. Stand up for yourself!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

shocklost said:


> She tells me it wasn't an affair. They were just friends that had a little smut talk on time. What are the odds, the one time she does it is the time I happen to look?? Anyway, as far as I know, she doesn't have any contact with him anymore.
> I asked her if there is someone else now.. And she tells me no. I want to believe her.


Where did you find this smut talk? On her phone or her computer?

You can find out what she's doing on those ya know. YOu can put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in her car. You could pay a PI to find out what she's up to.

Find out, do not rely on her.


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## shocklost (Mar 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You really do need to stay in your home. That is where your children live rigith? Do not leave your children, not without talking to a lawyer first. It could put in a very bad place when it comes to divorce and custody.
> 
> Can you really afford to get your own place and support your children and her? Do not put that financial strain on yourself right now.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the reply. I'm trying to focus more on what I can do to better myself so she will see what she is losing. As much as thought of her being with another man kills me, the thought of losing her forever is worse.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> What right does your wife have to villify you when she went outside the marriage and cheated on you?! Don't be so passive on this. Stand up for yourself!


:iagree:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

shocklost said:


> Thanks for the reply. I'm trying to focus more on what I can do to better myself so she will see what she is losing. As much as thought of her being with another man kills me, the thought of losing her forever is worse.


You also need to focus on the things in my post.... 

Have you actually moved out yet? I'm a bit unclear about that.


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## shocklost (Mar 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> No do not shut up and do whatever she wants to get her back. That will never get her back. It will only help her with her affair.
> To get her back you need to cause some waves and have her see that her choices have consequences. If you expose the affair the OMW (other man’s wife) the OM will be focused on his marriage and could very well abandon your wife. This will put her in a tail spin… shatter he fantasy. That’s what you want to make the affair so uncomfortable and to show her how much she is losing because of the affair.
> 
> You have already moved out? Move back in. It's your home as well. She cannot kick you out.
> ...


No, I don't want a divorce.. And the affair happened over a year ago. I have no proof of anything going on currently. If I start demanding all of this stuff I'm affraid that would be driving the final nail in the coffin.


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## shocklost (Mar 2, 2012)

I signed a lease on an apartment yesterday.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

shocklost said:


> No, I don't want a divorce.. And the affair happened over a year ago. I have no proof of anything going on currently. If I start demanding all of this stuff I'm affraid that would be driving the final nail in the coffin.


Then don't file for divorce right now.

However keep in mind that filing for divorce does not mean you will get a divorce. A lot of people file and then never go threw with it. By filing you would be letting her know that you will not allow her to run all over you. You can stall the actual divorce for a year or two. But it protects your rights.


But file or not do not move out of your home and leave your children.

With the possible affair keep looking for stuff. If there is an affair going on you will eventually find proof.

You will not keep her by letting her push you around. That is what your are doing right now.

I'll tell you about my sister and her husband.

They had been married for about 10 years when she decided to get a divorce because he had a fling. But he wanted to reconcile the marriage. She filed and kept telling him to leave. He refused to leave. When the divorce was final she got their own house and there was a court order for him to move out. But he refused to leave and she was not fighting him any more.

3 years after the divorce was final he was still in the townhouse with her and her son. They were getting along great. They remarried. They are still together now 18 years later.

Being the door mate will not get you what you want. It will get her what she thinks she wants right now.

Often when the spouse in your position files for divorce it shocks the other into realizing what they are about to lose.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

shocklost said:


> I signed a lease on an apartment yesterday.


Try to get out of it.


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## talkitout (Feb 21, 2012)

shocklost said:


> I signed a lease on an apartment yesterday.


Scary feeling, I know because I recently did the same. It seems so final but what choice do you have when you get kicked out. Living alone is so tough when you've shared so many years of your life with somebody you loved and you thought loved you back the same.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

shocklost said:


> No, I don't want a divorce.. And the affair happened over a year ago. I have no proof of anything going on currently. If I start demanding all of this stuff I'm affraid that would be driving the final nail in the coffin.


And what did you do to verify that it wasn't continuing on?

I don't mean to beat a dead horse, but unless you know what you're dealing with, you can't know what your actions should be. But if I was you, I'd proceed to let her experience what a separation is going to be like. Be fair and realistic, don't be a doormat. Show her that you won't do ANYTHING or tolerate anything just to be with her anymore; start being your own man.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

shocklost said:


> I signed a lease on an apartment yesterday.


Or here is an idea. A judge actually did this with my ex-husband and me.


The kids stay in the marital home.

The parents take turns staying in the marital home. One stays half the week in the rented apartment. The other spouse stays in the martial home with the children. And you swap back and forth every 3.5 days.

You each set up your own private room in the family home. Neither of you are allowed in the other's room. Neither of you are allowed to have any 'date' over to the family home or to the apartment.

This arrangment is done to show parents what the children will have to go through being forced to live in 2 houses. I can tell you from experience that it's horrible.

But it's the easiest way for the children. It puts a lot of stress on your wife... showing her what it will be like without her children 50 of the time.


If you cannot get out of the house then you have to file either for divorce or a legal separation ASAP so that you get a custody plan in place for 50/50 custody. If you do not you will hardly ever see your children. 

If you will not stand up to your wife for walking all over you, at least stand up and fight for your children.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

talkitout said:


> Scary feeling, I know because I recently did the same. It seems so final but what choice do you have when you get kicked out. Living alone is so tough when you've shared so many years of your life with somebody you loved and you thought loved you back the same.


Don't you know that your spouse cannot kick you out? She or he has no right to kick you out. 

Why did you move out?

Did you cheat on your spouse? Is that why you moved out?


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## talkitout (Feb 21, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Don't you know that your spouse cannot kick you out? She or he has no right to kick you out.
> 
> Why did you move out?
> 
> Did you cheat on your spouse? Is that why you moved out?


The apartment we were living in was under her name only. She cheated on me years ago, but has recently ended the relationship because we were fighting alot.


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## inmygut (Apr 2, 2011)

shocklost said:


> I signed a lease on an apartment yesterday.


You are doing everything possible to help her ditch you. Do not move out. Do not act weak. Do things that make you attractive to other women. Snoop to verify no affair. Read married man sex life. Read no more Mr nice Guy. Do not make it emotionally easy on her to get rid of you. Talk to a lawyer and be ready to file for divorce. It make her reconsider her situation. At very least it will protect you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## inmygut (Apr 2, 2011)

shocklost said:


> I signed a lease on an apartment yesterday.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Shock glad you are here. The previous poster are dead on. I know the news that you are going about this all wrong is new and frightening but you have to know what you are in for. There are several men whose wives had affairs years before and they reacted the way you are now. They justified the affair and did everything their wives wanted. 

This is what happens. You settle in to a quite sadness and depression for years. Then suddenly you realize that you have been duped and you emerge from your fog and do what you should have done in the first place. Hold your wife 100% accountable for the cheating. 

By that time, these men are ready to leave thearriage. Very often the wife has come out of the affair fog and are once again engaged in theatriage. They think everything is fine. 

After suffering for years which erodes self esteem it will take a while for them to recover from the pain and move on. Shock, the advantage of acting now is that you avoid the prolonged pain of sweeping it under the rug. 

There is a right way of handling an affair, you have to make it up in your mind to let her go it she does not atone and show true remorse. Don't take too much time to turn yourself around and please dont avoid the inevitable. Don't live with sadness and pain for years. In actuality she is not worth it. 

You love what she was not this cold deceptive cruel person she is now. Try to Get your self together and use that fine male energy that is meant to be your resource. It is buried by fear, pull it out and leave no prisoners. Listen, If you can serve our country so bravely by putting yourself in harms way then you can handle a woman who is using you. 

The best to you and your family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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