# New Guy



## Broken925

I found this site looking for a forum so I could tell my story with an unbiased group. I have been married 7 years and together with my wife a total of 15. Never in a million years would I think I'd find out she was having an affair with a co worker.

We have two beautiful young children together. Everything seemed perfect until I found a vulgar text on her phone from said co worker. She admitted infidelity but only emotional. That she didn't want divorce and we went to a couple counseling sessions soon after. Counseling didn't go well, because I felt like the counselor basically just told me to get over it and move on. So I tried.

I was the best husband I could possibly be, because I was thinking it was my fault. Love notes, flowers. Extra affection. Everything I could do and it seemed to work. I was cautious but things seemed to be back to normal and besides, it was just emotional right? She got a new job in a different town. Fast forward to a couple days before Christmas and she had left her iwatch at home. I decided to take a look and I was shocked at what I saw. Under a females name there were months of chats back and forth from the other man. Pictures, sexts, "I love yous", everything you never want to see your wife say to another man. I was devastated. Demanded her to come home and said I was leaving. I yelled. She cried. She admitted having sex and everything else I always dreaded but thought never happened. I went to a friends house only to come home because I have obligations to my kids.


It was Christmas. I couldn't leave. I couldn't stay. I broke down. I felt worthless. Because I am weak I stayed. Again I went back to trying to be a perfect husband. I don't know why. She talked me out of going to another counselor saying that things felt pretty good and I agreed. We had some good times but the last few months I have found myself growing further and further away. It seems to hurt as much now or more than it did then. I don't want to hurt her but I am feeling myself drift away and she is noticing. It's coming up on the anniversary and I feel awful for even thinking of leaving now. I don't know what to do.


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## TAMAT

First establish a baseline of truth, have your WW write out a timeline for the affairs with all the details, then take your WW to get a polygraph where the main question is did she omit anything significant from the timeline.

Next gather up all the evidence and expose to the OMW or SO, his family, children, facebook, linkedin, personnel etc.

Tell your WWs family about this as well.

Get tested for STDs.

Tamat


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## TAMAT

Get her to sign a postnup.

What I suspect you will find is that your WW may be a serial cheater and this is just something she does, I think the poly might reveal other affairs.


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## the guy

Have there been red flags the last few months that are causing you to feel this way?

What has your wife been doing that has stopped you from healing these past few months?

I'm guessing that even though d day was in December, your gut started telling you something around late August and you could be getting a trigger due to the time of year?


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## the guy

It's only been a year and you sound like you have done all the heavy lifting to fix this. Maybe you resent her for not doing the heavy lifting?


It's not uncommon to still feel like shyt only after a year or less after d day.....It can take up to 2.5 to 5 years to heal....especially if your wife swept her A under the rug after d day.


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## the guy

Here is my suggestion.... It will cost you a lot of money and in the end it could be a waste of money!

But if you file D, have her served, and deal with her reaction it could help in either two way.


The positive reaction is your wife submits, shows remorse, and excepts her consequences and you call off the D.


The negative reaction is your wife gets pissed, threatens you, and blames everything on you while guilting you for being unforgiving. You continue the D and see the true colors of your wife come out. And the D moves forward?


Maybe all these feeling that are coming up after all these months is your gut telling you your wife might just do this again......maybe not this year or the next year but years from now when the end of summer rolls around. you catch her again by winter?


My old lady was straight for 5 yrs before I busted her again.


At the end of the day what has your old lady done to affair proof the marriage?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Broken925 said:


> I found this site looking for a forum so I could tell my story with an unbiased group. I have been married 7 years and together with my wife a total of 15. Never in a million years would I think I'd find out she was having an affair with a co worker.
> 
> We have two beautiful young children together. Everything seemed perfect until I found a vulgar text on her phone from said co worker. She admitted infidelity but only emotional. That she didn't want divorce and we went to a couple counseling sessions soon after. Counseling didn't go well, because I felt like the counselor basically just told me to get over it and move on. So I tried.
> 
> I was the best husband I could possibly be, because I was thinking it was my fault. Love notes, flowers. Extra affection. Everything I could do and it seemed to work. I was cautious but things seemed to be back to normal and besides, it was just emotional right? She got a new job in a different town. Fast forward to a couple days before Christmas and she had left her iwatch at home. I decided to take a look and I was shocked at what I saw. Under a females name there were months of chats back and forth from the other man. Pictures, sexts, "I love yous", everything you never want to see your wife say to another man. I was devastated. Demanded her to come home and said I was leaving. I yelled. She cried. She admitted having sex and everything else I always dreaded but thought never happened. I went to a friends house only to come home because I have obligations to my kids.
> 
> 
> It was Christmas. I couldn't leave. I couldn't stay. I broke down. I felt worthless. Because I am weak I stayed. Again I went back to trying to be a perfect husband. I don't know why. She talked me out of going to another counselor saying that things felt pretty good and I agreed. We had some good times but the last few months I have found myself growing further and further away. It seems to hurt as much now or more than it did then. I don't want to hurt her but I am feeling myself drift away and she is noticing. It's coming up on the anniversary and I feel awful for even thinking of leaving now. I don't know what to do.


New Guy. Read "Grow a Pair" by Larry Winget. It is a quick and easy read with one hell of a message. Secondly, you and your wife are rug sweeping big time. You sir had one ****ty counselor. I would encourage you to get into IC. You just tried to move on as if nothing happened, and that is impossible. You have had a tremendous injustice done to you. Your wife has got a "get out of jail free card" from you. This in my opinion is unacceptable. Your wife has most likely not shown you remorse. Without remorse there can be no reconciliation. One question, are you afraid to be without her?

Your wife has avoided CONSEQUENCES. She talked you out of going to another counselor because she did not want to face what she did to you, as well as face the hard and blunt questions a quality counselor would most likely ask her some extremely tough questions. Until you get into IC you are going to feel more and more adrift and unsure of yourself. Take the bull by the horns and get yourself to a good counselor. Otherwise, you are going to have one huge meltdown. I am reading between the lines and but I will be you did not expose her affair. You should have exposed if reconciliation was your objective. Sunlight is the best disinfectant in situations such as this. I would let her parents know, your parents, and close friends.

You deserve better.


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## FrazzledSadHusband

Don't rugsweep. Hell, cuss her out until you can't speak anymore. 

YOU did nothing wrong. SHE decided to f--- another man. I may be harsh, but if you don't deal with the anger that is gonna well up inside of you, it will eat you alive.

There was another thread recently with compartmentilization in title. Poster found some close up porn video of the nasties slapping together in a adult book store. His wife said it was "just sex". He sat down with her and didn't tell her what it was, just wanted her to watch a video with him. As the close up scenes played, he said "It's just sex, right? No emotion there?" It got his wife's attention.

It's OK to be DONE with the marriage. She chose to have sex with someone else. ANY person that is unhappy with their marriage could talk to their spouse and say "We need to talk, go to counseling, etc" They don't need to cheat.

Read the book "Do yourself a favor, Forgive" by Joyce Meyer. Not to necessarily stay married to your wife, but to let go of the hurt and anger and move on for yourself.

The mind movies will haunt you. It may be best to move on. Your wife's lack of effort in salvaging the marriage is sadly, very telling. She should be a puddle of snot crying and begging for forgiveness.


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## Uselessmale

I’m realizing that I haven’t been the only one, in MC to basically be told “Get over it and just move one, like none of this ever happened.” Is that the first thing they are taught to say?


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## BluesPower

First off you have already been given some good advice. 

The problem that you are having is that you did not have the knowledge or information to handle this properly. You did everything wrong that you could possible do. You became a better husband when what should have happened it she should have become a better wife. 

So, here is what you need to do or thing about: 

1) Listen to the advice you are given here. 
2) Is she still working at the same place, then the affair is still going on, she must leave if she has not already.
3) You are to stop doing anything for her in any way. 
4) You initially rugswept the affair, wrong move. So she does not want to go to counseling because she wants you back in your place like a good little boy so that you do not wake up to the fact that she is a POS. 
5) Like others have said, she writes a timeline, about every detail. Then you submit her to a poly to find out where she is lying. Hint, she is lying about most of it...

There is so much more to do. First off, never go to that marriage counselor again, they suck. Like most MC's he/she has no idea how to handle infidelity, and they too want to rug sweep. 

Your wife, should be on her knees day and night asking for you to forgive her, and you should keep her there. 

Your wife has not respect for you, and probably no love. 

You need to figure out how to get your balls back, get her in line.... AND THEN you decide if you want to stay with her, and if you don't, file for divorce...


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## BluesPower

Uselessmale said:


> I’m realizing that I haven’t been the only one, in MC to basically be told “Get over it and just move one, like none of this ever happened.” Is that the first thing they are taught to say?


Yes MOST of them say this and they are full of ****. 

It is some type of group think that got from school, and school the has no idea how to properly deal with infidelity. 

You have to learn, but reading books and sites like this, how to handle your situation. 

Just remember, you have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. So far, you have been very weak, you need to stop that. 

SHE has to earn her second chance. 

And you have to be sure that the affair is over, is she is still working there it is not...


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## Broken925

BluesPower said:


> First off you have already been given some good advice.
> 
> The problem that you are having is that you did not have the knowledge or information to handle this properly. You did everything wrong that you could possible do. You became a better husband when what should have happened it she should have become a better wife.
> 
> So, here is what you need to do or thing about:
> 
> 1) Listen to the advice you are given here.
> 2) Is she still working at the same place, then the affair is still going on, she must leave if she has not already.
> 3) You are to stop doing anything for her in any way.
> 4) You initially rugswept the affair, wrong move. So she does not want to go to counseling because she wants you back in your place like a good little boy so that you do not wake up to the fact that she is a POS.
> 5) Like others have said, she writes a timeline, about every detail. Then you submit her to a poly to find out where she is lying. Hint, she is lying about most of it...
> 
> There is so much more to do. First off, never go to that marriage counselor again, they suck. Like most MC's he/she has no idea how to handle infidelity, and they too want to rug sweep.
> 
> Your wife, should be on her knees day and night asking for you to forgive her, and you should keep her there.
> 
> Your wife has not respect for you, and probably no love.
> 
> You need to figure out how to get your balls back, get her in line.... AND THEN you decide if you want to stay with her, and if you don't, file for divorce...


I know she messed up. I should have left the moment I found out it was going on. I even told her after the first incident that if I found out anything at all was going on that I was done. She is not longer working in the same place but the affair continued even into her new job. I know she hasn't told me everything. I'm not sure I want to know everything.

I let my family know around Christmas. I needed them there. Some of her family knows. They all want what's best for me. 

I'm trying to figure out why I feel like leaving now of all times. I'm starting to think I would like to get out and date again and I don't like myself for having those feelings and feel guilty.


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## jorgegene

you are among many people here that have gone through what you are going through. a lot of collective wisdom.

one of the many things i've learned from experience (unfortunately) and this site is that where there's smoke, there's fire.
in another words, if your gut tells you something is really wrong then it is. your worst fears are probably true.
and when there are claims that 'it was only emotional', or 'we're only friends', the vast majority of times............it's a lie.

and yes to the above. forget the marriage councilors until she shows absolute remorse and brokenness, combined with a true desire to love only you.
however, i hate to say, from what you have described, your wife is a shameless liar and reprobate.


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## Broken925

the guy said:


> Have there been red flags the last few months that are causing you to feel this way?
> 
> What has your wife been doing that has stopped you from healing these past few months?
> 
> I'm guessing that even though d day was in December, your gut started telling you something around late August and you could be getting a trigger due to the time of year?


No red flags. Just me dwelling on everything and thinking that there could be a better life out there. She hasn't done anything to stop me from healing. I recently had a missed call from her old work that made me think he was trying to reach out to me. Also, had his wife call and hang up and his kid text me thinking it was my wife. That just happened a few weeks ago. Those things aren't her fault just set me back.

D day was actually September when I first found out.


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## BluesPower

Broken925 said:


> No red flags. Just me dwelling on everything and thinking that there could be a better life out there. She hasn't done anything to stop me from healing. I recently had a missed call from her old work that made me think he was trying to reach out to me. Also, had his wife call and hang up and his kid text me thinking it was my wife. That just happened a few weeks ago. Those things aren't her fault just set me back.
> 
> D day was actually September when I first found out.


These thoughts are what are keeping you stuck... And it is what the others and myself are telling you. 

You have handled this completely the wrong way. 1) You took her back without a thought. 2) She lied after you caught her and you still took her back. 3) You have been doing the heavy lifting not her. 

And the biggest thing about the calls and you triggering is that YES it is all her fault. SHE is the one that SHOULD be HELPING YOU HEAL. 

So when you say the she is not stopping you from healing, that is wrong headed thinking. IT IS HER RESPONSIBILTY TO HELP YOU HEAL, FOR HER TO DO ANY AND EVERYTHING THAT SHE CAN THINK OF OR LEARN ABOUT TO HELP YOU HEAL. 

It is not for you if you choose to reconcile to HELP yourself heal, it is her job. 

You need to listen to what we are telling you, and let all the this "new way" of thinking sink in. 

And in the end, if you still cannot deal with it, divorce her...


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## Lostinthought61

Brokenguy,

let me ask you how far are you willing to control the narrative, because what i am reading (and i could be wrong) you are more passive, then being in charge on this situation, your wife has done a fabulous job rug-sweeping things the first time, and seems to still be doing this...so before you get a lot of advice are you willing to take complete control.


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## BarbedFenceRider

YOU NEED THE 180! Read it now and implement it...It's for you. It will save you.

Do it now!!!!!


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## Broken925

Lostinthought61 said:


> Brokenguy,
> 
> let me ask you how far are you willing to control the narrative, because what i am reading (and i could be wrong) you are more passive, then being in charge on this situation, your wife has done a fabulous job rug-sweeping things the first time, and seems to still be doing this...so before you get a lot of advice are you willing to take complete control.


I am passive. I don't like to see anyone hurt. Even if I've been hurt. I don't want to wake up and not see my kids.

What do you mean take complete control?


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## BluesPower

Broken925 said:


> I am passive. I don't like to see anyone hurt. Even if I've been hurt. I don't want to wake up and not see my kids.
> 
> What do you mean take complete control?


What he means is what everyone is advising you to do already. 

You are being a puss about this entire thing. Sorry, no other way to put it. You are a man, act like one. 

Your wife is most likely still having and affair. If she is not, it is just because she is waiting for everything to die down. 

Women in general HATE passive men. They will not say it, but when you are weak with a woman, like you have been with your wife about her affair, it makes them lose more respect for you. Being NICE to them is the kiss of death. 

Your wife and completely got you fooled, and she buffaloed you in to swallowing a **** sandwich. She got to go band her other man (OM) while you were baby sitting. Do you get that? 

Since you have been so passive, she has had not consequences for her betrayal of you and your marriage.

You allowed her to walk all over you. You are her paycheck, and the other man is her sex stud, think about that for a minute. 

I hate to be so blunt, but in order to help you, we need you to understand what we are saying. 

Does that make sense?


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## Broken925

BluesPower said:


> What he means is what everyone is advising you to do already.
> 
> You are being a puss about this entire thing. Sorry, no other way to put it. You are a man, act like one.
> 
> Your wife is most likely still having and affair. If she is not, it is just because she is waiting for everything to die down.
> 
> Women in general HATE passive men. They will not say it, but when you are weak with a woman, like you have been with your wife about her affair, it makes them lose more respect for you. Being NICE to them is the kiss of death.
> 
> Your wife and completely got you fooled, and she buffaloed you in to swallowing a **** sandwich. She got to go band her other man (OM) while you were baby sitting. Do you get that?
> 
> Since you have been so passive, she has had not consequences for her betrayal of you and your marriage.
> 
> You allowed her to walk all over you. You are her paycheck, and the other man is her sex stud, think about that for a minute.
> 
> I hate to be so blunt, but in order to help you, we need you to understand what we are saying.
> 
> Does that make sense?



I understand what you're saying. I've been f***ed over. I know this. You don't have to be blunt about it. What do I say to her? Get out now? After 8 months of knowing? She knows I'm not happy. She keeps asking what can she do. I tell her nothing because she can't change the past.


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## BluesPower

Broken925 said:


> I understand what you're saying. I've been f***ed over. I know this. You don't have to be blunt about it. What do I say to her? Get out now? After 8 months of knowing? She knows I'm not happy. She keeps asking what can she do. I tell her nothing because she can't change the past.


No, it is not that you have been ****ed over, you are letting yourself be ****ed over, big difference.

1) Start reading the infidelity forum. It will educate you about a lot of this stuff. 

2) Google the book "No more Mr. Nice Guy". It will show you where you are going wrong. (Guys if you could recommend some more books please?) Another one is "How to help your spouse heal from your affair", both of you need to read it. 

3) Stop counseling or find a new counselor. One that specializes in infidelity. The one that you have been using is a fool. 

4) Understand that this situation is not about you being a better husband, it is about her being a better wife. It is about her jumping through hoops to build your trust in her and for her to help your heal from HER betrayal. 

5) File for divorce, and have her served. You do not have to go through with it, but it will make her pull her head out of her ass and wake the **** up. 

6) Stop catering to her needs, DO NOT DO THE DISHES. Go to a bar and have a drink with your friends or something. 

7) There are several things that she has to do for you, timeline of the affair, SHE Has to go to counseling and if you find a MC that specializes in infidelity, that MC should recommend a counselor that will help her with her issues. You need access to everything, phone, computer, gps her car, all of just so that you can feel safe.

There are a bunch more things that she and you need to do. 

But the biggest is for you to stop thinking YOU need to win her back, that it is your fault, that you did something wrong. YOU did not, she did. 

She is the one that has to fix this, not you. 

And for the love of everything holy, STOP BEING A NICE GUY.


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## Yeswecan

Broken925 said:


> No red flags. Just me dwelling on everything and thinking that there could be a better life out there. She hasn't done anything to stop me from healing. I recently had a missed call from her old work that made me think he was trying to reach out to me. Also, had his wife call and hang up and his kid text me thinking it was my wife. That just happened a few weeks ago. * Those things aren't her fault just set me back.*
> 
> D day was actually September when I first found out.


These things are your W fault. Much like the infidelity that is 100% hers to own. NC(no contact) with OM should have been established a year ago. It was all rug swept. Understandable and the reason sites like this exist. Further, a counselor is useless if one's W/H is still active in an affair. Skip counseling. Get a lawyer. Draw up divorce papers and make this infidelity very REAL to your W. You can always stop the D later. However, you need to get out of infidelity. Your W has not respect for you at present. Don't attempt to WIN your W back. Does not work. Have you W pack her bags.


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## Yeswecan

Broken925 said:


> I understand what you're saying. I've been f***ed over. I know this. You don't have to be blunt about it. What do I say to her? Get out now? After 8 months of knowing? She knows I'm not happy. She keeps asking what can she do. I tell her nothing because she can't change the past.


Hell yes you tell your W to get out after 8 months. Some do it YEARS after knowing. The lying and sneaking around. Having sex with OM while you clean house, work and conduct yourself with morals. Your W asks what she can do? Tell your W there is an internet FULL of information that helps the betrayed heal. She is certainly familiar with it as the text messages and programs for communication were loaded on her iWatch. She can start digging and working on it 100%. If your W can't then serve the D.


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## Bananapeel

I know it's a bit late now but I would have drug her kicking and screaming back to the first counselor that told you to get over it and made her admit she was lying and cheating the whole time and then watched the counselor turn on her. 

As far as wanting to leave. Look bud, it's your prerogative to stay or leave a marriage and you don't need to justify yourself for your decision. Your wife has the same exact right. So if you gave it 8 months and aren't happy, then tell her to F off and go file for divorce. If she asks why, just say that you are tired of living like this and you won't compromise your principals anymore for her.

The reason I divorced my wife when she cheated was I knew I wouldn't be able to look myself in the mirror and like the man that was looking back at me if I stayed married to her. Do you like yourself and if not are you ready to do something about it so you can at least respect your decision as you move forward?


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## sunsetmist

Broken925 said:


> We have two beautiful young children together. ...... .......come home because I have obligations to my kids.
> 
> It was Christmas. I couldn't leave. I couldn't stay. I broke down. I felt worthless. Because I am weak I stayed. Again I went back to trying to be a perfect husband. I don't know why. She talked me out of going to another counselor saying that things felt pretty good and I agreed. We had some good times but the last few months I have found myself growing further and further away. It seems to hurt as much now or more than it did then. *I don't want to hurt her but I am feeling myself drift away and she is noticing. It's coming up on the anniversary and I feel awful for even thinking of leaving now.* I don't know what to do.


You are being offered help here, but I sense you are feeling overwhelmed. Someone else is telling you to be forgiving, suck it up, think of your family. Dang man.

It is NOT too late for you to handle this in a better fashion. She has fractured your confidence, undermined your sense of what you should expect in this situation. Good times were likely hysterical bonding. Google any terms you don't understand. Read the books others have suggested. 

Don't know why you don't want to hurt her feelings---What has she been doing to yours?? Why would you feel close to the 'love of 15 years' who has lied, cheated, humiliated, etc. you? It is normal to feel betrayed. She has done few of the suggested things that a wandering spouse should do. SHE should be finding out what that is...not put it off on you.

Your children: What kind of example do you want to set for them? If I were you I would see a lawyer and learn what your rights are. One of my favorite expressions is that knowledge is power.

The longer you delay, the harder this will be. Depression, regret, utter hopelessness can become so paralyzing. 

Whatever you manage to do, it will be a first step....


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## sunsetmist

Mods..

Should this be moved to different forum?
@EleGirl


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## Broken925

If this could be moved to the Infedelity page that may be helpful. Thanks for all of the responses. I'm gaining confidence in how I've been feeling.


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## Marc878

What you don't get is you are the prize. Not her.

Your wayward wife is a very typical cheater. They lie, hide and deny. Happens all the time.

Who is she? Someone you can't and shouldn't trust.

An affair is a very conscious decision. It's never a mistake.

Not to mention it never ended after she was caught. She sat there and lied all through MC. While you were busting your ass to please her.

She put a lot of time and effort in this. Planning, covering her time spent with him, etc.

You should wake up to the reality of who she is. If not you'll likely get this again. You really want to go through it a third time?

Good luck you are going to need it.


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## Marc878

Read up you need his badly

https://archive.org/details/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy


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## Broken925

She also had him under different names. I once peeked at her phone in between and saw a message from a "Heather" and all the text said was "delete". When I brought it up to her all she said was it was a friend from work that wanted something deleted.

The thing I will NEVER forgive her for is she said she wanted to visit old friends from her own work. I told her I didn't like the idea but had to trust her at some point. She put both hands on my face; looked me in the eyes; and said, "You can trust me". Only to find out she went down there solely to meet up with him.


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## Broken925

What hurts me the most was that after the first time I caught her. A month after she changed jobs, she wanted to go visit the girls from her old work. I voiced my displeasure with the idea but said I would have to trust her at some point. She put two hands on my face, looked me square in the eyes, and said," you can trust me". Only to find out later she went there just to see him.


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## Marc878

I'm sorry man but that tells you the level of deceit and betrayal she's capable of.


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## Marc878

*Under a females name there were months of chats back and forth from the other man.*

A high level of deception. Lots of thought went into her affair.


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## BluesPower

Broken925 said:


> What hurts me the most was that after the first time I caught her. A month after she changed jobs, she wanted to go visit the girls from her old work. I voiced my displeasure with the idea but said I would have to trust her at some point. She put two hands on my face, looked me square in the eyes, and said," you can trust me". Only to find out later she went there just to see him.


Exactly, which is why almost all of us are saying that she is STILL in the affair. 

Because of the weak way that you have handled this, probably about all you can do now is file for divorce. 

I don't think you are strong enough to actually save your marriage, and I may be too late anyway...


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## Broken925

Reading everyone's responses makes me realize what a fool I am. I've known her over half of my adult life. I don't need this and can do better. I just don't know how to tell her. How to tell my girls.


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## Broken925

BluesPower said:


> Broken925 said:
> 
> 
> 
> What hurts me the most was that after the first time I caught her. A month after she changed jobs, she wanted to go visit the girls from her old work. I voiced my displeasure with the idea but said I would have to trust her at some point. She put two hands on my face, looked me square in the eyes, and said," you can trust me". Only to find out later she went there just to see him.
> 
> 
> 
> Exactly, which is why almost all of us are saying that she is STILL in the affair.
> 
> Because of the weak way that you have handled this, probably about all you can do now is file for divorce.
> 
> I don't think you are strong enough to actually save your marriage, and I may be too late anyway...
Click to expand...

You know what man. I've about had it with you telling me how weak I am. I'm still in this for my children. I came here for advice, not for insults.


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## Marc878

She is a very accomplished liar.

Talk/words mean nothing.

Her actions tell you everything.

Sorry man but clarity will come if you take a step back and put some thought into it.


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## BluesPower

Broken925 said:


> You know what man. I've about had it with you telling me how weak I am. I'm still in this for my children. I came here for advice, not for insults.


Good, are you starting to get angry yet? That is the first step for you to NOT be weak anymore. 

I know that it hurts, and I am sorry. You are not the first or the last. That is one of the standard techniques that we use to get guys like you to wake the F up. 

Now the question is, do you want to save your marriage, or do you want out. That is what you need to decide...


----------



## Marc878

Broken925 said:


> Reading everyone's responses makes me realize what a fool I am. I've known her over half of my adult life. I don't need this and can do better. I just don't know how to tell her. How to tell my girls.


Perhaps some time away by yourself would help.

Go visit friends/relatives, etc.

Get yourself out of this so you can think straight.


----------



## Marc878

I'm assuming you informed her other mans wife?


----------



## Edmund

Broken925 said:


> Reading everyone's responses makes me realize what a fool I am. I've known her over half of my adult life. I don't need this and can do better. I just don't know how to tell her. How to tell my girls.


You tell her by filing for divorce and having her served with divorce papers, without prior warning. Discontinue counseling and save up and use the money to pay the retainer. You need to get yourself an attorney right away because you have children. I don't know how old your girls are, but if they are teen agers just tell them the straight truth, after you have filed. If they are youngsters, tell them a less detailed version like "mom has gotten a boyfriend, married people are not supposed to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, so we can't be married any more."

Blues Power is blunt and rude calling you weak, it is his style. But his advice is usually correct. It is frustrating to some of the folks on here when they encounter a passive man, they want him to grab the bull by the horns. But you have to be who you are and do things your way. If your story is true you no longer have a marriage in the traditional sense, your wife already killed it. Filing for divorce is just getting the legal paperwork caught up to the reality of the situation. The worst thing for you is that you will probably see your daughters only half the time. But you will work harder to make that quality time.

Good luck to you Broken925.


----------



## sunsetmist

Broken925 said:


> What hurts me the most was that after the first time I caught her. A month after she changed jobs, she wanted to go visit the girls from her old work. I voiced my displeasure with the idea but said I would have to trust her at some point. She put two hands on my face, looked me square in the eyes, and said," you can trust me". Only to find out later she went there just to see him.


This is painful to me, much less how you must feel. I'd grab her face, look into her eyes and say (well I can't print that here) ---"You don't know how much I wished I could have trusted you."

She is using tactics from Cheater's Handbook--his name under female etc. Google and read about limerence--this is her 'love fog.'

Be strong and remember that you do not want her to set the example your daughters grow up to believe is truth. Your time with daughters can be golden--much better than living in tension and indifference.


----------



## sunsetmist

FYI:
Abbreviation Handbook
AAMOF = as a matter of fact
AP = Affair Partner
ASAP = as soon as possible
ASAP = as soon as possible
b/c = because
BAK = back at keyboard
BBFN = bye bye for now
BBL = be back later
BBS = be back soon
BF = boyfriend or best friend
BFN = bye for now
BH = Betrayed Husband
BIL = brother-in-law
BK = back
BRB = be right back
BRBGGP = be right back gotta go potty
BS = Betrayed Spouse
BTDT = been there, done that
BTW = by the way
BW = Betrayed Wife
CRAFT = can't remember a fricking thing
CRS = can't remember stuff (or use your imagination for S)
CSA = Childhood Sexual Abuse
CU = see you
CUL8R = see you later
CWIM = see what I mean
CYA = see ya
DB = dear boyfriend
DC = dear child
DD = dear daughter
D-Day = divorce day -or- affair Discovery Day
DF = dear fiancée
DG = dear girlfriend
DH = dear husband
DS = dear son
DSD = dear stepdaughter
DSS = dear stepson
DW = dear wife
EA = emotional affair
exH = ex husband
exW = ex wife
FIL = father-in-law
FOO = Family of Origin
FTR = for the record
FWH = former wayward husbnd
FWIW = for what it's worth
FWW = former wayward wife
FYI = for your information
GF = girlfriend
GMTA = great minds think alike
GNO = Girls Night Out
GP = general practitioner
GTG = got to go
HD = High drive (sexual)
HTH = HTH hope this helps
IC = Individual counseling
IDK = I don't know
IIRC = if I recall correctly
ILYNILWYA = "I love you, not in love with you anymore."
IMHO = in my humble opinion
IMNSHO = in my not so humble opinion
IMO = in my opinion
J/J = just joking
J/K = just kidding
KISA = Knight in Shining Armor
KWIM = know what I mean
LD = low drive (sexual drive)
LMAO = laughing my ass off
LOL = laughing out loud
LOL = laughing out loud
LOLROF = laughing out load, rolling on floor
LTNS = long time no see
MC = Marriage Counselling
MC = marriage counseling
MIL = mother-in-law
MYOB = mind your own business
NC = No Contact
NE = any
NMS = not my style
NMSAA = not my style at all
NP = no problem
OM = other man
OMG = oh my gosh
ONS = one night stand
OP = original poster
OSF = OSF Opposite Sex Friends
OT = off topic
OW = other woman
PA = physical affair
PIV = penis in vagina referring to "traditional" sex
PM = private message
POV = POV point of view
PP = previous poster
PUA = Pick Up Artist
QFT = Quoted for Truth
ROF = rolling on floor
ROFL = rolling on floor laughing
ROFLMAO = rolling on floor laughing my a** off
ROFLOL = rolling on floor laughing out loud
ROTF = rolling on the floor
SAHD = stay-at-home dad
SAHM = stay-at-home mom
SAHP = stay-at-home parent
SIL = sister-in-law
SNAFU = situation normal all fouled up
SO = significant other
SOL = sh** out of luck
SOS = same old stuff (or use you imagination)
STBX = soon to be ex
SWMBO = She Who Must Be Obeyed
TAM = Talk About Marriage
TIA = thanks in advance
T/J = thread jack
TMI = too much information
TOM = the other man
TOW = the other woman
TTFN = tata for now
TTYL = talk to you later
UR = your or you're
VAR = voice activated recorder
W/E = whatever
WAH = work at home
WAW = Walk Away Wife
WB = welcome back
WH = Wayward Husband
WOH = work out of the home
WS = Wayward Spouse
WTG = way to go
WW = Wayward Wife
YW = your welcome

180 for Betrayed Spouses


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Marc878 said:


> I'm assuming you informed her other mans wife?


 I seriously doubt it. He's afraid to rock the boat, although that is all that will save him.


----------



## Broken925

Rubix Cubed said:


> Marc878 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I'm assuming you informed her other mans wife?
> 
> 
> 
> I seriously doubt it. He's afraid to rock the boat, although that is all that will save him.
Click to expand...

I called her. She denied that that was her husband and hung up on me. Since then she has found out.


----------



## Edmund

regarding all the abbreviations...

sometimes people put an R in front of the common ones like STBXW, example RSXW. What does that R mean?

just curious


----------



## Edmund

Broken925 said:


> Reading everyone's responses makes me realize what a fool I am. I've known her over half of my adult life. I don't need this and can do better. I just don't know how to tell her. How to tell my girls.


By the way, Broken, you are NOT a fool for trusting and expecting to be able to trust your spouse that you love and married and with whom you have children. Shame on her for betraying you so casually.


----------



## farsidejunky

That is mostly just @arbitrator when affectionately referencing his ex.

RSXW=Really Skanky Ex Wife.

At least, I think...

Is that right, Arb?


Edmund said:


> regarding all the abbreviations...
> 
> sometimes people put an R in front of the common ones like STBXW, example RSXW. What does that R mean?
> 
> just curious


Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


----------



## Edmund

farsidejunky said:


> That is mostly just @arbitrator when affectionately referencing his ex.
> 
> RSXW=Really Skanky Ex Wife.
> 
> At least, I think...
> 
> Is that right, Arb?
> 
> Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


Thank you. I would never have guessed that. Skanky is such a derogatory term.


----------



## Edmund

Broken925 said:


> I know she messed up. I should have left the moment I found out it was going on. I even told her after the first incident that if I found out anything at all was going on that I was done. She is not longer working in the same place but the affair continued even into her new job. I know she hasn't told me everything. I'm not sure I want to know everything.
> 
> I let my family know around Christmas. I needed them there. Some of her family knows. They all want what's best for me.
> 
> I'm trying to figure out why I feel like leaving now of all times. I'm starting to think I would like to get out and date again and I don't like myself for having those feelings and feel guilty.


You are feeling it now because it has been enough time since D-Day for you to get over the initial shock and think it through. The fact is, you are now realizing she doesn't love you and you can no longer trust her. Starting over (dating and such) would be hard, but you are realizing you deserve better.


----------



## arbitrator

farsidejunky said:


> That is mostly just @arbitrator when affectionately referencing his ex.
> 
> RSXW=Really Skanky Ex Wife.
> 
> At least, I think...
> 
> Is that right, Arb?
> 
> Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


*Oh, Hell no!

RSXW was affectionately placed into Urban Dictionary for me by one of my dear TAM friends.

RSXW simply means: 

"Rich Skanky Ex Wife!"*


----------



## Edmund

Broken925 said:


> If this could be moved to the Infedelity page that may be helpful. Thanks for all of the responses. I'm gaining confidence in how I've been feeling.


Broken925, ask @farsidejunky or @MattMatt to move this thread to coping with infidelity. Also you should contact @stillfightingforus his situation was similar to yours (unremorseful cheater, two young children) and he is an expert on doing everything wrong in an attempt to save the unsavable marriage.

Wish I could think of something to help you.


----------



## VermiciousKnid

Broken925 said:


> Reading everyone's responses makes me realize what a fool I am. I've known her over half of my adult life. I don't need this and can do better. I just don't know how to tell her. How to tell my girls.


This is the first sign of strength and self-respect you've shown in this thread. YOU set your worth, not her. Why would you let someone with no integrity who commits adultery set your self-worth? In this case I don't think you'll find anyone that will tell you to stay. You need to cut this toxic person out of your life. Be brave, be strong, and git'ur done. Seek out a good divorce attorney. They will do all the legwork for you.


----------



## Yeswecan

Broken925 said:


> She also had him under different names. I once peeked at her phone in between and saw a message from a "Heather" and all the text said was "delete". When I brought it up to her all she said was it was a friend from work that wanted something deleted.
> 
> The thing I will NEVER forgive her for is she said she wanted to visit old friends from her own work. I told her I didn't like the idea but had to trust her at some point. She put both hands on my face; looked me in the eyes; and said, "You can trust me". Only to find out she went down there solely to meet up with him.


Understand this took a lot of work by your WW. The "You can trust me." statement should be your driver to have your W served divorce papers. I don't see how you can have any trust when your WW lying eyes looked into yours. Cold and calculating. 

As far as advising your WW you had enough, tell her so in a even voice. Advise any conversation from here on out pertains to separation and kids. You don't want to talk about the dead marriage. Once you have said that this is no longer working for you leave the room. Separate your finances. Perhaps your WW will realize what she has done. Maybe not. I recommend you do not stay around to find out. Specifically with the statement "trust me".


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## Marc878

You will get through this. It is not the end of the world although it msy seem like it.

More clarity will come with time and thought. You will know what to do.

It takes two. You got pawned into doing all this yourself.


----------



## farsidejunky

This is why you always get it from the source... LOL.


arbitrator said:


> *Oh, Hell no!
> 
> RSXW was affectionately placed into Urban Dictionary for me by one of my dear TAM friends.
> 
> RSXW simply means:
> 
> "Rich Skanky Ex Wife!"*


Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky

@Broken925, I have a couple of key sayings by which I evaluate nearly everything in my life.

1. Love yourself enough to refuse to tolerate the intolerable.

2. Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.

The second one I stole from Maya Angelou. The first one is mine.

Looking at your marriage through those two prisms, how do you actually see it?

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## Blondilocks

arbitrator said:


> *Oh, Hell no!
> 
> RSXW was affectionately placed into Urban Dictionary for me by one of my dear TAM friends.
> 
> RSXW simply means:
> 
> "Rich Skanky Ex Wife!"*


OK, I'll out the culprit: it was John Candy and it was a hoot when he did it.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Broken925 said:


> I called her. She denied that that was her husband and hung up on me. Since then she has found out.


You did your duty, that's all you can do. Did she call you back after she found out you were right?



Broken925 said:


> If this could be moved to the Infedelity page that may be helpful. Thanks for all of the responses. I'm gaining confidence in how I've been feeling.


 @EleGirl , @MattMatt , @farsidejunky



Broken925 said:


> Reading everyone's responses makes me realize what a fool I am. I've known her over half of my adult life. I don't need this and can do better. I just don't know how to tell her. How to tell my girls.


 You don't need to tell her anything, just hand her divorce papers. That actually cuts through all the static and is likely the least stressful for you because of your admitted passiveness. She knew what she was doing and had to realize this was a very real possibility. Stop worrying about her and start worrying about you.


----------



## farsidejunky

Moved to CWI.

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## GusPolinski

Edmund said:


> Thank you. I would never have guessed that. Skanky is such a derogatory term.


Turns out @arbitrator’s ex is a rather derogatory person.

And it’s actually “rich, skanky ex-wife”, @farsidejunky.


----------



## GusPolinski

Edmund said:


> By the way, Broken, you are NOT a fool for trusting and expecting to be able to trust your spouse that you love and married and with whom you have children. Shame on her for betraying you so casually.


Initially? Of course not.

But to trust her again so quickly after learning of her affair?

He really is. Or was, at least.

That’s OK, though. Love makes fools of us all.

@Broken925, the next time your WW asks you what she can do to help you heal, tell her that getting the **** out would do wonders for you.

In fact, don’t wait for her to initiate that conversation.


----------



## GusPolinski

Blondilocks said:


> OK, I'll out the culprit: it was John Candy and it was a hoot when he did it.


----------



## Sports Fan

Broken so sorry you are going through this pain. I think t a great deal of your pain is coming from the realisation you never offered up any consequences for her behaviour. Offer them up now hard and fast. Be honest with her. Sit her down and tell her you have given this a lot of thought and as a result she needs to be completely transparent about electronics, passwords, and absolutely no friends of the opposite sex of whatsoever. If she even dares to flinch on your demands divorce her!


----------



## Kamstel

Wow!!

Ok, enough feeling bad about not doing anything since you found out a year ago.

It was very traumatic, and let’s just say that it has just taken you that long to get up off the floor. Now is the time to make sure your legs are truly under you, and do something!!!!

You will never get out of this Hell that she has thrown you in unless YOU decide to do something!! 

And think of this, what will it take her to do for you to finally say “ENOUGH!!” And finally kick her to the curb????’

Plus, is this good type of home environment to raise kids in?

Contact a lawyer and just have a consultation with him. 

Second, start exercising, at least 30
Minutes per day. 

Good luck.


----------



## [email protected]

New Guy, this will go on for another year if you let it. Listen to Kamstel and the others.


----------



## TDSC60

It is never a good idea to stay in a crappy marriage with a cheater for the sake of the children.

You are teaching your children to roll over and play dead when someone lies to them and betrays their trust - not a good lesson.

Children can sense the tension and unhappiness around them. They will not do well in such a home.


----------



## MattMatt

Broken925 said:


> I found this site looking for a forum so I could tell my story with an unbiased group. I have been married 7 years and together with my wife a total of 15. Never in a million years would I think I'd find out she was having an affair with a co worker.
> 
> We have two beautiful young children together. Everything seemed perfect until I found a vulgar text on her phone from said co worker. She admitted infidelity but only emotional. That she didn't want divorce and we went to a couple counseling sessions soon after. Counseling didn't go well, because I felt like the counselor basically just told me to get over it and move on. So I tried.
> 
> I was the best husband I could possibly be, because I was thinking it was my fault. Love notes, flowers. Extra affection. Everything I could do and it seemed to work. I was cautious but things seemed to be back to normal and besides, it was just emotional right? She got a new job in a different town. Fast forward to a couple days before Christmas and she had left her iwatch at home. I decided to take a look and I was shocked at what I saw. Under a females name there were months of chats back and forth from the other man. Pictures, sexts, "I love yous", everything you never want to see your wife say to another man. I was devastated. Demanded her to come home and said I was leaving. I yelled. She cried. She admitted having sex and everything else I always dreaded but thought never happened. I went to a friends house only to come home because I have obligations to my kids.
> 
> 
> It was Christmas. I couldn't leave. I couldn't stay. I broke down. I felt worthless. Because I am weak I stayed. Again I went back to trying to be a perfect husband. I don't know why. She talked me out of going to another counselor saying that things felt pretty good and I agreed. We had some good times but the last few months I have found myself growing further and further away. It seems to hurt as much now or more than it did then. I don't want to hurt her but I am feeling myself drift away and she is noticing. It's coming up on the anniversary and I feel awful for even thinking of leaving now. I don't know what to do.


*You* need counselling for* you*.

She doesn't want counselling? Well, that's on her.

But you need help from a professional to make sure you are good. Not for her, but for you and your children.


----------



## MattMatt

Uselessmale said:


> I’m realizing that I haven’t been the only one, in MC to basically be told “Get over it and just move one, like none of this ever happened.” Is that the first thing they are taught to say?


Only those who missed the rest of the classes, I think.


----------



## MattMatt

Broken925 said:


> I am passive. I don't like to see anyone hurt. Even if I've been hurt. I don't want to wake up and not see my kids.
> 
> What do you mean take complete control?


This can sometimes be a coded way of saying: "Divorce your Wayward Spouse!"

If you are not sure you want a divorce, then don't get a divorce.

However, you hold the cards, really.


----------



## MattMatt

Broken925 said:


> You know what man. I've about had it with you telling me how weak I am. I'm still in this for my children. I came here for advice, not for insults.


*Moderator Message*

Guys, some of you seem to have mistaken @Broken925 for a punching bag so you can take out your frustrations for what you should have said to the person in your life who wronged *you*. 

He isn't your punching bag, so cut it out.

He knows what he said or did with his wife that, on reflection, maybe he shouldn't have.

He doesn't need you harping on like a Greek Chorus. OK?


----------



## Tatsuhiko

Broken925, you need to stop questioning whether your feelings are "right" or not. You've had time to process your wife's betrayal and it sounds like you're starting to fall out of love with her. As others have said, some betrayed husbands come to this realization 10 years down the line. It's perfectly understandable for a man to check out of his marriage after his wife already did so months earlier through betrayal. You should see an attorney to get an idea of what your rights are with respect to assets and custody. I think the only reason people were accusing you of being weak was to get you fired up to make a stand for yourself. You really have been trying to be the forgiving, accommodating husband in this situation, but I think it just didn't work out.


----------



## RWB

Broken925 said:


> *I called her. She denied that that was her husband and hung up on me. Since then she has found out*.


They always do at first. "Not my Husband". Had the same thing happen.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

BluesPower said:


> Women in general HATE passive men. They will not say it, but when you are weak with a woman, like you have been with your wife about her affair, it makes them lose more respect for you. Being NICE to them is the kiss of death.


* ^^^^ Quoted for truth. ^^^^^*

Nothing *LESS* appealing than a weak man clutching my skirt and begging me to love him even *after* I've disrespected him every single possible way I could. SOOO unappealing.

OP, it's time to crack the whip.


----------



## BluesPower

She'sStillGotIt said:


> * ^^^^ Quoted for truth. ^^^^^*
> 
> Nothing *LESS* appealing than a wimp clutching my skirt and begging me to love him even *after* I've disrespected him every single possible way I could. SOOO unappealing.


 @She'sStillGotIt, not sure that you want to be quoting me. It seems like the straight forward truth is hurting people's feelings.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

BluesPower said:


> @*She'sStillGotIt*, not sure that you want to be quoting me. It seems like the straight forward truth is hurting people's feelings.


LOL - I edited your quote in my post after I saw Matt's moderator message. 

I guess we're guilty by association. :-D


----------



## MattMatt

BluesPower said:


> @She'sStillGotIt, not sure that you want to be quoting me. It seems like the straight forward truth is hurting people's feelings.


A wise man can show someone the tool they might use to fix their life.

A less wise man will smack them in the mouth with it. And will wonder why they are not thanked for their help.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Broken925 said:


> I know she messed up. I should have left the moment I found out it was going on. *I even told her after the first incident that if I found out anything at all was going on that I was done. * She is not longer working in the same place but the affair continued even into her new job. I know she hasn't told me everything. I'm not sure I want to know everything.


Here is your fatal mistake... you bluffed. She now knows you are full of it, that she can and will do this again, and you will just hand her the whip and ask for another beating, instead of leaving her like you should have the first time. Unless...




Broken925 said:


> I'm trying to figure out why I feel like leaving now of all times. I'm starting to think I would like to get out and date again and I don't like myself for having those feelings and feel guilty.


you are finally seeing the light and getting fed up. You absolutely SHOULD get out, because she is going to do it again. Because why not? She got away with it twice, and she has zero remorse about it. You deserve better.


----------



## Uselessmale

Broken your feelings are yours right or not they are real to you. Lots of good advice from people that have been where you are is being given to you. You are the one that has to sift through it all to make sense for you. 

If we agree with him or not, no slings and arrows, he’s trying to work this out and needs time to realize what most of us see in his situation. We all showed up here for the same reason, “Great relationships.” Right now you are the only friends I have....so stop arguing.


----------



## turnera

Broken, one thing to realize: Once your spouse has cheated on you, you no longer have an obligation to stay. None. THEY broke the marriage, you are giving them the GIFT of you not divorcing them every day you decide to give it. 

You're feeling this now because (1) she never really did anything to make up for it, (2) you have no faith in her, and (3) it's the anniversary and that has meaning. 

Tell her the truth - that you've waited a year and you no longer know if it's going to work out. See what happens. It will tell you a lot.


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11

If you stay, get use to feeling like you do now pretty much indefinately. Eventually, you will get use to it to some extent, things will return to normal, you won't talk about it anymore, you will think about it less and less, but it will always be there nonetheless. This may take 5 years or so to get to this place of tolerable existence. 

In the end, she disrespected you, broke your trust and scandalized your marriage. You will never love or trust her the same. What you are doing now is unraveling your emotions from hers so she can't hurt you anymore, afterall she can't be trusted. Ever. No amount of reading self help crap or marraige counselors trained in the art of 'bury the dead body and never speak of it again' will make it better.

So you have a decision to make. Fall on your sword for your kids, stay with her to keep your nuclear family in check and slog out a tolerable existence with someone ready to bury a hatchet in your back. Or cut your losses, get 50% custody of your children, continue to be a kick ass dad and find a partner that is worthy of trust. One path keeps you in misery for 5 years to indefinately. The other way, you will bounce back within a year. Choice is yours... stop feeling guilty, you don't have an anniversary to worry about anymore. She just nuked your marriage.


----------



## Edmund

mattmatt said:


> *moderator message*
> 
> guys, some of you seem to have mistaken @broken925 for a punching bag so you can take out your frustrations for what you should have said to the person in your life who wronged *you*.
> 
> He isn't your punching bag, so cut it out.
> 
> He knows what he said or did with his wife that, on reflection, maybe he shouldn't have.
> 
> He doesn't need you harping on like a greek chorus. Ok?




this! Qft.


----------



## OutofRetirement

Broken, you did everything wrong.

Imagine you woke up and discovered your leg was broken. You talked to your wife, she says she rolled over and bumped into you, that must have caused it. You go to a doctor, unbeknownst to you, a quack, and the doctor says "just ignore it, it will heal eventually."

Now you're hobbling around, it hurts every darn day, every darn night, and a year later, it hurts so bad, but you don't trust doctors anymore, so you come to an anonymous forum for help.

If you do go to a therapist again, make sure the therapist is experienced with infidelity. And question the proposed therapist's opinions. You know, there is not one and only one way to deal with infidelity. Many doctors will prescribe medication, others prescribe changing lifestyle. Get a therapist who agrees with your INFORMED opinion. To get informed, read some books about it. And read a lot of the threads here. See WHY these anonymous people are telling you what they're telling you. These threads are real affairs just like yours, and the betrayed spouses have done all different ways to handle it. Read enough, and you will see patterns of what works, and what doesn't.

Right now, because your leg never healed the right way when it first was broken, I do believe you have to get your leg broken again. You basically have to go back to day one, and it will be more difficult because now you "trained" your wife to think she can manipulate you. She always did feel it, it seems, but now it's even worse.

I understand you. It seems like you panicked and tried to "fix it" so your daughters were not hurt. You thought your wife would help you, not continue to stab you in the back. The problem is, as you are finding out, the resentment and anger will not go away. The broken leg is always going to be crooked and hurting, until you go back and fix it.

Have you gotten any answers to these questions:

1. Why did your wife cheat on you? What did she say to herself that it was OK?
2. When you caught her, and saw your pain, why did she continue?
3. Did she consider you weak? Did she laugh at you behind your back with other man?
4. She cheated even when caught, did she ever believe you would divorce her? If yes, why was she willing to do it? If no, why did she not believe you would divorce her over her repeated and continuing affair?
5. If she was so "in love" with the other person, how was she able to just stop it?
6. Why didn't she just leave you to be with other man?

If your wife was not your wife, but she was just a friend but one you know very well, and how would you describe her morality? If a friend wanted to date her, what would you say to the friend? Good idea? She's a great woman, a real catch? What?


----------



## Robert22205

Hey...I'm sorry you're in this situation. 
Cheaters follow a typical script ... and so do innocent inexperienced betrayed spouses.
It's not too late to save your marriage. First see an attorney and get checked for STDs. 
Insist that your wife agree to no further contact.
I also sent you a private message.

CHECK YOUR PRIVATE MESSAGES


----------



## Robert22205

Marriage counseling is not the appropriate response at this time. Marriage counseling focuses on forgiving vs fixing the broken cheater or damaged spouse.

Your wife is broken and first needs IC to fix herself. Othewise MC is a waste of time.

You need IC to repair the damage and MC is a waste of time until you are strong again.


----------



## skerzoid

Broken925:

Assuming you are still reading......

1. Take what you need from here and leave the rest. You are not the weak one in this. *She is.* She is a broken and despicable person. You have been strong in defense of your family. 

2. If you want to R then there are actions to take. If you want to D there are actions to take.

3. If you want to R, then you have to proceed as if you are willing to lose your marriage, and _she has to believe this_. *You have to believe this.*

4. Demand a timeline of her affair to be cross-checked by a polygraph. The CIA, FBI, and other government agencies still believe in them. *Schedule it and demand that she take it.* You may find out more in a parking lot confession. Find out if there have been others.

5. *She needs to write a No Contact* letter viewed and approved by you and sent to his home registered mail, where he has to sign for it.

6. *STD tests done?* _If not, why not?_ Sets a tone.

7. *DNA of children done?* _If not, why not?_ You are setting a tone here. Remember, "NO MORE MR. NICE GUY!!!"

8. *Post-Nup?* _Why not?_

9. *Lawyered up yet?* _Why not?_ Why should she fear any action from you if not?

10. *Demand* a letter from her explaining why this marriage should continue.

11. Read up on the *"180 Technique" *and follow it _religiously._

12. *I would consider having her served with divorce papers at work.* Divorce takes time. Study her actions and you can halt the proceedings when you decide you want to allow her a *3rd chance*. I think you should divorce this cheater but *you* must have the decisiveness at this time to do so. 

13. Your kids need to see a strong father whatever the out come. Allowing her to make a sham of your marriage is not what you want them to see. _Remember, strength, courage, & decisive action is what we want to see in our fathers._ *Be THAT man. * Good luck.


----------



## aine

Broken, it has taken you a long time to sort through what she has done to you. There may have been hope for your marriage if she had not continued to gas light you and lie. 
Your gut is now screaming at you that you are on dangerous ground because she is moving forward, expecting you to get past the damage she caused and get with the programme. 
You know deep deep down that this is not who you are (putting up with this disrespect and lies). You know that in the back of your mind you can never trust her and probably never will. You are facing a future which is merely existing not actually living with someone who really loves you and cares so deeply for you that they would never do this. You are at a cross roads, you either put up with the status quo or you make the break. She broke the marriage not you, if you leave now it is all on her, not you.


----------



## Decorum

Broken925 said:


> She put both hands on my face; looked me in the eyes; and said, "You can trust me". Only to find out she went down there solely to meet up with him.


Her disregard and disrespect for you just take my breath away. Can you hear them laughing at you?

You are her comfortable nest, safe and secure, the guy who will take care of the kids, her fall back plan "B". She may have some feelings but it is not love. 

The other man is her lover, the exciting man she thinks about and yearns to be with when she looks at you.

You have an open relationship, she just never told you.

This is the real her.

You deserve better, this will never go away.

Move on and find a better person.


----------



## re16

Broken,

The thoughts and feelings you are having will not go away, now or ever. They may wax and wane a little bit but this is now how life with her is going to be.

When she had sex with her boyfriend, she ended your marriage. Don't feel bad about being the one to initiate the paperwork... SHE ended the marriage at that point.

There are a few billion women out there in the world. Why would you stick with the one woman that has abosolutely betrayed you?

Life is short....she'll likely do something like this again, probably even with the same guy. Get out now and start fresh.

RE


----------



## Broken925

I've been reading all of your responses and want to thank everyone for them. I have a lot of steps to take. I'm overwhelmed by them. Again, I want to say thank you for every one of your opinions and advice. I'm going to meet with an IC before I make the next step. For me, not for us.


----------



## re16

Broken925 said:


> I've been reading all of your responses and want to thank everyone for them. I have a lot of steps to take. I'm overwhelmed by them. Again, I want to say thank you for every one of your opinions and advice. I'm going to meet with an IC before I make the next step. For me, not for us.


Stick with TAM. We'll help you get through this. Your emotions about whether it is right or not will be all over the place, mostly because she will be manipulating, like she has been for years.

You will get hit with some 2x4s, but its not meant to hurt you, just to make you think.

I think you're starting to approach the anger stage, which is good, you should be pissed about what she has done to you, your family, and the dreams you created together.

She gave you no say in how this would turn out.

Use the anger to stay resolute. Make being a good a father your number one priority... that includes them learning by example to not accept being mistreated by others.


----------



## Sparta

Come back and post whatever’s on your mind.! That’s what we’re here for... OK you know you have made a lot of mistakes.! You can’t change the past. Now its time to move forward and take your life back. Keep update us with any new development... by the way when you great a great idea that pops in your head come here run it by us first.! So we can help you through this with less pain. You have suffered a whole year white knuckling this horrible situation that you’re in soon will be out of. “Be advised” please for your sake make sure to take the advice that is so freely giving here.!


----------



## BluesPower

Broken925 said:


> I've been reading all of your responses and want to thank everyone for them. I have a lot of steps to take. I'm overwhelmed by them. Again, I want to say thank you for every one of your opinions and advice. I'm going to meet with an IC before I make the next step. For me, not for us.


I know that you got beat up at first. So sorry. 

But now, if you are up to it, this would be the time to maybe post a list of your thought process for a couple of reasons.

1) It will help you clarify your thinking, for you and your therapist.
2) We can advise you about the list order, the contents and other things.

The other think to think about is this: A lot of therapists (Most in fact) do not know how to deal with infidelity. Some will say get over it, which you cannot until you take that proper steps. And further, they don't know the steps to take. 

So that list may look like: 
1) Is the affair still continuing? How do you find out? (We can tell you)

2) Make wife provide a timeline of the affair.

3) Arrange a polygraph. What are the steps? 

4) What does a real reconciliation look like? 

5) Do you want to still be married to her in the first place. 

If you tell us what you are thinking and feeling, I may be possible to advise you on your course...


----------



## ArmyofJuan

Broken925 said:


> I've been reading all of your responses and want to thank everyone for them. I have a lot of steps to take. I'm overwhelmed by them. Again, I want to say thank you for every one of your opinions and advice. I'm going to meet with an IC before I make the next step. For me, not for us.


Good, you need to understand that you are an enabler and more importantly, this is not your fault. Your W stabbed you in the back and you tried to reward her for it by being a better husband. You can never "nice" them back, it just makes them lose respect for you because you can't respect someone that lets you walk all over them. You need to look out for number 1 and get angry. 

She did this because she wanted to and didn't care about what you'd do about it. She probably knew in the back of her mind if she got caught you'd just roll over and be submissive. That just justifies to her that you deserve it for not having any self respect.

You can turn the tables by putting your foot down and saying you don't deserve this and you want out. She can be replaced, anyone can. One day you will regret not asking an a D the moment you found out about the A.


----------



## MattMatt

ArmyofJuan said:


> Good, you need to understand that you are an enabler and more importantly, this is not your fault. Your W stabbed you in the back and you tried to reward her for it by being a better husband. You can never "nice" them back, it just makes them lose respect for you because you can't respect someone that lets you walk all over them. You need to look out for number 1 and get angry.
> 
> She did this because she wanted to and didn't care about what you'd do about it. She probably knew in the back of her mind if she got caught you'd just roll over and be submissive. That just justifies to her that you deserve it for not having any self respect.
> 
> You can turn the tables by putting your foot down and saying you don't deserve this and you want out. She can be replaced, anyone can. One day you will regret not asking an a D the moment you found out about the A.


Welcome back, AOJ! I thought "whoa! the psychedelic frog is back!"


----------



## Rubix Cubed

MattMatt said:


> Welcome back, AOJ! I thought "whoa! the psychedelic frog is back!"


 I second that. Glad your back, and your frog has always been my favorite avatar.


----------



## just got it 55

Broken925 said:


> She also had him under different names. I once peeked at her phone in between and saw a message from a "Heather" and all the text said was "delete". When I brought it up to her all she said was it was a friend from work that wanted something deleted.
> 
> The thing I will NEVER forgive her for is she said she wanted to visit old friends from her own work. I told her I didn't like the idea but had to trust her at some point. She put both hands on my face; looked me in the eyes; and said, "You can trust me". Only to find out she went down there solely to meet up with him.


Final Nail meet coffin

55


----------



## just got it 55

Broken925 said:


> Reading everyone's responses makes me realize what a fool I am. I've known her over half of my adult life. I don't need this and can do better. I just don't know how to tell her. How to tell my girls.


 Sorry your life has come to this @Broken925
Your Decision process should be based on these criteria

Keeping your sanity intact

Keeping your health intact

Keeping your self-respect intact

Keeping your finances intact

Keeping your relationship with your children intact

Putting all these things first and taking that path it will lead you out of Infidelity and on to a better life.

The best result is a life well lived
55


----------



## MattMatt

@Broken925 a British satirical magazine called Private Eye used to publish lists that mirrored and sent up the lists so beloved of British magazines and newspapers.

This is my homage to a Private Eye spoof list:-

Five things Broken925 needs to remember about his "wife"

1) You can't trust her
2) You can't trust her
3) You can't trust her
4) Errr....
5) That's it!

I have a reputation for being something of a reconciliation advocate. But in your case, filing for divorce is the only realistic option you have.


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## Tatsuhiko

That part where she cradled your face, earnestly implored you to trust her, then went to have sex with another man is absolutely f-ing despicable. There's just no way around it. You can never trust her again, period. 

She needs to understand that. Order a DNA paternity test for your kids and have her help do the cheek swabs. Maybe she'll finally grasp what broken trust means and learn to stop rugsweeping.

Stick with us. The members in here have seen every possible wrinkle that is part of a situation like yours. They know exactly how to respond to whatever she throws at you next, whether it's part of reconciliation or divorce.


----------



## scaredlion

I had two careers in 45 years, both full of danger and violence. I was trained by some of the best in the world. Here is one of the things I learned. I'm going to give you one piece of advice that you need to take to heart. Never, and I mean never make a threat or ultimatum that you do not carry out if it is broken. You told her that you would leave if you found out anything else after the first time. You found more and you stayed. Right then you handed the power over to her. I am one who likes to see a family stay together if both spouses are trying. By your post it appears your wife is trying. Maybe you should try also. If you were going to leave you should have done so after the second discovery. Leading her on is not nearly as bad as her infidelity but it's not good either, especially if she is trying to help you and trying to repair the marriage. Next time you make a threat or give an ultimatum be prepared to carry it out. Otherwise don't make them. I do wish you well.


----------



## Broken925

BluesPower said:


> Broken925 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I've been reading all of your responses and want to thank everyone for them. I have a lot of steps to take. I'm overwhelmed by them. Again, I want to say thank you for every one of your opinions and advice. I'm going to meet with an IC before I make the next step. For me, not for us.
> 
> 
> 
> I know that you got beat up at first. So sorry.
> 
> But now, if you are up to it, this would be the time to maybe post a list of your thought process for a couple of reasons.
> 
> 1) It will help you clarify your thinking, for you and your therapist.
> 2) We can advise you about the list order, the contents and other things.
> 
> The other think to think about is this: A lot of therapists (Most in fact) do not know how to deal with infidelity. Some will say get over it, which you cannot until you take that proper steps. And further, they don't know the steps to take.
> 
> So that list may look like:
> 1) Is the affair still continuing? How do you find out? (We can tell you)
> 
> 2) Make wife provide a timeline of the affair.
> 
> 3) Arrange a polygraph. What are the steps?
> 
> 4) What does a real reconciliation look like?
> 
> 5) Do you want to still be married to her in the first place.
> 
> If you tell us what you are thinking and feeling, I may be possible to advise you on your course...
Click to expand...

I don't think I want to be married anymore. They only thing holding me back are my kids. I keep feeling that the idea of dating an meeting new people is fun and exciting which can't be good. I wish she would have left me. I told her to.


----------



## Broken925

just got it 55 said:


> Broken925 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Reading everyone's responses makes me realize what a fool I am. I've known her over half of my adult life. I don't need this and can do better. I just don't know how to tell her. How to tell my girls.
> 
> 
> 
> Sorry your life has come to this @Broken925
> Your Decision process should be based on these criteria
> 
> Keeping your sanity intact
> 
> Keeping your health intact
> 
> Keeping your self-respect intact
> 
> Keeping your finances intact
> 
> Keeping your relationship with your children intact
> 
> Putting all these things first and taking that path it will lead you out of Infidelity and on to a better life.
> 
> The best result is a life well lived
> 55
Click to expand...

I have worked out 2-4 times a week since Christmas. If there is a plus I've found a way to focus my aggression to the weight room. I'm in the best shape I've been in since high school. 

The sanity is what I need to work on.


----------



## GusPolinski

Broken925 said:


> I don't think I want to be married anymore. They only thing holding me back are my kids. I keep feeling that the idea of dating an meeting new people is fun and exciting which can't be good. I wish she would have left me. I told her to.


Man if I were your friend I’d give you a swift kick in the ass.

You HAVE to stop being so damn passive.

You’re waiting for her to end the affair, you’re waiting for her to leave, you’re waiting for her to make things right, etc.

Enough of that ****.

Take charge of your life, your future, your happiness, and your health — make the changes that you want for your life _yourself_.


----------



## TDSC60

scaredlion said:


> I am one who likes to see a family stay together if both spouses are trying. *By your post it appears your wife is trying.*


He can not trust his wife. He really does not know if she is still in the affair or not. When caught the first time, she seemed remorseful and said she would do anything to fix what she broke. That was all a lie. She continued the affair and went so far as to travel to meet OM all the while telling him he could trust her.

How can he ever trust her with his heart when all he means to her is a pay check and babysitter? She tore his heart out and stomped on it - twice! Only a person with low self respect could stay with a spouse who has done that to him.

Broken, it sounds like you are slowly beginning to see her true colors and it is not pretty.

For many men, when a wife has sex with another man it is the end of the marriage. You seem to be one. Me too.


----------



## [email protected]

Broken, it looks like you are beginning to smell the coffee. Some of the others have encouraged you to become more active. Good idea. I'd bet that you will never be happy until you rid yourself of this creature. She's a millstone about your neck.


----------



## Marc878

Your kids will be fine long term don't use this as an excuse to do nothing.

Read up and improve your life
https://archive.org/details/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy


----------



## turnera

Broken925 said:


> I have worked out 2-4 times a week since Christmas. If there is a plus I've found a way to focus my aggression to the weight room. I'm in the best shape I've been in since high school.
> 
> The sanity is what I need to work on.


Pick an organization to volunteer with and start volunteering regularly. Take your kids with you, if you can. It will change your life. Cleaning up bayous, walk dogs at a dog shelter, teaching people to read or speak English, play music at an old folks' home, build houses with Habitat for Humanity, work at a food pantry, or use whatever your profession is to help others.

Also, if appropriate, look into either leisure learning classes at your local junior college or go back for a second (or first) degree.

And if you can, start some sort of project to BUILD something. Veggie garden, shed, model train setup, whatever. The sense of accomplishment will keep you sane AND help you feel good about yourself.

And spend as much time as possible with your kids. Go on walks so they can talk out their feelings. Build a fort. Take them camping. Be with them without electronics. Read books together - or WRITE a book together. They will need real connection with you, and if you give it, they will come out fine.


----------



## TAMAT

Broken,

Please go back to your WWs old company and expose the affair to HR, this is especially true if the OM was your WWs boss he needs to be terminated.

Did you confront the OM and expose him on facebook, linkedin, his family and etc if not get to work do it all at once without threats or warnings drop it on him as a huge surprise.

Did you schedule your WW for a polygraph or ask for a post-nuptual.

As for what to tell your children just tell them the truth, tell them mommy fell in love with another man, identify the other man in case your WW allowed the OM to meet them. 

Tamat


----------



## Rick Blaine

Fear is an awful navigator. 

Read No More Mister Nice Guy as others have suggested and begin to unconditionally operate out of a set of principles. When we let fear dictate our actions, that which we fear losing most is lost anyway. But when we establish firm boundaries in our life and enforce them, living out our convictions, we find freedom. 

Your children need to know the truth because if they are denied the truth they won't fully understand what is happening in the family and they may blame themselves as your marriage continues to crumble. They need a strong father. Your influence on them in this regard is paramount to their future success and happiness in life.

Can you be strong for your children and yourself?


----------



## [email protected]

Rick Blaine appears to be right. Kids will discern that state of affairs whether or not they are told about it. Adults too often try to shield the kids from the truth, and it often doesn't work. Anyhow, Broken's WW didn't have any problem putting the kids at risk for emotional problems due to parental difficulties.


----------



## Rick Blaine

The impact of a weak father on his children.


----------



## VFW

I am sorry that you find yourself in this position, it is certainly no fun. Don't apologize for your feelings they are what they are, it may not be the way others feel, but is the way you feel. Also some people can forgive immediately, while others are one and done kind of guys. This is not a right or wrong thing, it is just the way you are wired. She has no one to blame but herself, if she had admitted her guilt immediately and worked with you to fix the problems in the relationship, you two may have had a chance, but instead she decided to continue to cheat. You seem to be coming to the conclusion that the relationship is over. I would recommend a few things:

1. Consult with an attorney, you don't have to file, but you need to be prepared when or if the time comes.
2. Develop an exit strategy (division of assets, child custody, visitation).
3. I would look to do things with your kids without your spouse, to help with the transition (go to the zoo, swimming, bike rides). 
4. Save some time for you (get back into a hobby you may have ignored or start one you may want to try, volunteer to help those in need, read a classic novel).


----------



## Broken925

Just thought I'd give an update. I haven't taken anymore steps because of a medical concern. She had a mammo and found a spot that they have ordered biopsy on. That's in a week. I finally made appointment with therapist for this afternoon. I'm nervous. When it rains is pours. This is with the original therapist we talked to the first time.


----------



## Lostinthought61

I don't wish this on any one, and i realizing your wife will need you now....but you shouldn't be afraid to keep your thoughts to yourself.....though you may not know the outcome here, but it is safe to say that you are both in pain the difference is she is not there for you but you are there for her. And just so anyone makes the distinction that her potential prognosis could kill her, i can tell you that what your feeling after her transgressions has sadly lead to people taking their lives....i wouldn't be afraid to tell her in the future when she says thank you for bing here, for you to say two things "for how long i do not know" and " would you rather he be here instead of me". can me a jerk i don't care.


----------



## Tron

She killed the marriage the day she proclaimed her love for someone else. Oh then there are also the day(s) she cheated on you. So, you really don't owe her jack ****. 

Moral support? No.

Holding her hands as they remove her breast(s)? No.

I'm not sure what you are getting out of this when you kick the can down the road. What exactly are you waiting for? For her to realize you are great guy that she did not appreciate and then betrayed? How does that help you? 

Just file already. 

And hey, maybe the divorce will go through before you get stuck paying all her medical bills.


----------



## GusPolinski

Broken925 said:


> Just thought I'd give an update. I haven't taken anymore steps because of a medical concern. She had a mammo and found a spot that they have ordered biopsy on. That's in a week. *I finally made appointment with therapist for this afternoon. I'm nervous. When it rains is pours. This is with the original therapist we talked to the first time.*


For the two of you or just for you?

And why? Isn’t she (?) the one that told you to basically “just get over it already”?


----------



## Broken925

GusPolinski said:


> For the two of you or just for you?
> 
> And why? Isn’t she (?) the one that told you to basically “just get over it already”?


Just for me


----------



## BluesPower

Have you made the decision to divorce yet or what? 

Too bad that she may have cancer, terrible thing.

Oh, I got it, just call the OM and he can take care of her because you should already be busy filing for divorce...


----------



## Broken925

BluesPower said:


> Have you made the decision to divorce yet or what?
> 
> Too bad that she may have cancer, terrible thing.
> 
> Oh, I got it, just call the OM and he can take care of her because you should already be busy filing for divorce...


Who hurt you?


----------



## Thound

You seriously need to stop being a doormat. She devours your weakness like prime beef.


----------



## Tron

BluesPower said:


> Have you made the decision to divorce yet or what?
> 
> Too bad that she may have cancer, terrible thing.
> 
> Oh, I got it, just call the OM and he can take care of her because you should already be busy filing for divorce...





Thound said:


> You seriously need to stop being a doormat. She devours your weakness like prime beef.


----------



## BluesPower

Broken925 said:


> Who hurt you?


Nobody that I stayed married to. 

So instead of the above remark, I am curious what you plan to do? Stay by her side until she recovers after what she has done. And then what?


----------



## turnera

My ex-SIL got breast cancer, my brother took her through it every step of the way, even shaved his head...and she got contacted on FB by her high school sweetheart while she was going through it and that was all it took - bam, gone.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

Nothing prevents you from filing for divorce. You can still provide all the support you want, but not as her husband.


----------



## TAMAT

Broken,

From everything you wrote I believe in a few years your WW will try and convince you none of her affair happened. 

You will not get over this while your WWs attitude is "just get over it already". 

Your WW has no idea what this has done to you and I suspect she will have another affair if indeed she has actually ended the one she was in.

From what I understand your WW has done nothing to help you recover except to make it harder for you to recover.

Tamat


----------



## oneMOreguy

Broken925 said:


> Just thought I'd give an update. I haven't taken anymore steps because of a medical concern. She had a mammo and found a spot that they have ordered biopsy on. That's in a week. I finally made appointment with therapist for this afternoon. I'm nervous. When it rains is pours. This is with the original therapist we talked to the first time.


Most are benign......but I understand your concern. Best wishes for both of you.


----------



## FoolishOne

As a wayward wife I want to avoid crashing and invading a BS's space, but I thought I might have an opinion from my viewpoint that may help the op.

I cheated. I did. I didn't respect my husband. He avoided making me angry. He was a white knight in a lot of ways. Disapointing , angering me and making waves was something He avoided. He allowed me to trick him and manipulate him. So I did. He let me take him for granted.

Truth be told I don't know if I loved my husband while in my affair and even sometime before that. I was in a bad place. Everything was about me. I was attracted to my husband and thought he was intelligent, but did I love him? How could I while doing what I did?

My husband tried being understanding. Giving me my space. Communicating. Loving me more. Dating. Letting go of arguments and accepting a loss just to appease me.

During my affair and before I was in no condition to think about his needs or wants. I was still all about me. My husband could have rearranged the stars in the shape of my name and I probably wouldn't have thought it that great. No crazy romantic gesture by him had the power to knock me out of me me me zone. The fact of the matter was I was sizing up a relationship with another man and keeping my husband on hold. As if it was my right to pick and choose in the shadows.

My husband going ballistic after finding emails was my first shock. My husband doesn't yell at me. His anger shocked me. It scared me. I truly started realizing I might have burned my bridges.

My first course of action was to minimize. Much like your wife. 

I did it for a few reasons (your wife's may very). Shame. Fear of losing my family. Fear of losing my husband. Fear of losing my lifestyle. Fear of judgment from friends and family. 

It was still all about me. I minimized. Destroyed evidence. Wouldn't talk about the affair. And continued the affair. Of course while blaming my husband's treatment of me and dangling reconciliation like a carrot to KEEP my husband in place while I decided between the OM and my husband.

My husband eventually found out proof of a physical relationship and a continued affair.

He didn't trust me. His first good decision. I was a liar. Of course I couldn't be trusted. Besides being caught not a thing had changed so why trust me?

When my husband found this info out he put a full stop to any of what people here call the pick me dance. He did the 180 without any knowledge from sites like this and detached. 

He made it clear he wanted no part of what I offered. He wasn't interested in winning me back. My value to him dropped. 

Between that and my AP showing more and more of what an ass hat he was and how empty our relationship was, my husband's obvious disgust detachment and seeming ability to move on without me easily, scared me.

It told me "hey your not really all that." It told me my husband wasn't a door mat and that he was no longer waiting for me to PICK him. 

No. If I wanted back I had to earn it. 

It literally shocked me the first time I approached my husband with the "ok I am now ready to work on our marriage and decided to love you attitude."

He scoffed at me and laughed. I remember being absolutely gobsmacked. Where was the husband who would pursue me to the end of the earth? Where did he go? At first I was miffed. Angry. Told him he was throwing us away. He told me no it was you. It dawned on me slowly when my bull**** didn't work on winning him over.

I came to the realization that I had killed that part of him. He no longer held hope for our marriage. No longer thought of me as a prize.

I perused him. I dealt with my **** bit by bit. I armed myself with knowledge about relationships and respect. I worked harder. I changed the way i aproached sex with my husband. I grew a new sense of respect with my husband and worked towards openness and communication.

It's all in my thread if you would like to read my story.

Through all of this I was sending signals that I wanted this relationship. That I was changing. I had to put 
work in. I had to sweat for it. It paid dividends. Little by little I was able to piece together a semblance of peace and tranquility.

There was one problem. We didn't deal with my affair. So many times he would try to breach the subject and I would shut him down.

It wasn't as bad as he thinks. 
I didn't want to talk about the past.
I loved him and that was enough.

Anything to not adress the elephant in the room. I didn't know my husband knew more about my affair than I thought. So I never came foward about the true depths of my betrayal. I did this out of fear. Again. Losing everything. All about me.

We never worked through it. My husband never got the deep answers needed to heal. He only knew I was romanticly involved with another man and later secretly found I was going to the other man's house frequently. He knew I wasn't forthcoming. He didn't want to reveal what he knew. He wanted me to come foward. I didn't. So he played along and silently prepared for a life without me.

In a lot of ways the relationship we built in the last three years was a good one. But it was hollow. My husband hated it. He loved me in ways. But he lost respect for me. Doesn't trust me. He shouldnt. Not yet. I need to prove myself with actions and despite all the good I have accomplished without dealing with the affair it's all meaningless.

About 6 months ago I found out my husband was having an affair of his own. That has been the trigger for my realization that my inability to deal with my own affair and help my husband understand and give him the info needed had gutted my marriage. It was also a reinforcement of the idea that my husband will do just fine without me. It has put a sense of urgency to all of it. 

So I came foward and told the truth. With the help of this site I got the nerve up. I had to face my problems. We had to face our problems. Infidelity isn't something you just get over. It changes everything. As it should. 

The last 6 days have been me and my husband talking almost non stop. We have to redo every conversation we have had in the last 6 years. We don't know how this is going to work but in a lot of ways this new openness is what I always wanted. Its bitter and shameful. But it's open and honest and we are working it together. We work through the pain together. Too bad it came at this cost. To bad it took it all devolving to this sad state of affairs. Just goes to show how not dealing with stuff doesn't solve anything.

So when people tell you to stop being a door mat. They are trying to help you.

Your wife has to get ahead of this. She has to willingly and enthuesasticly help you understand every facet of her affair. She has to show you EVERYTHING. She can't hide anything. She isn't allowed privacy. This affair and it's meaning and her feelings about it can't be left to the wayside. Don't fix the issues in her that had her doing this then you are doomed for repeat. Or a sham marriage. You need to know you deserve better and if she isn't going to be better, then so be it. She isn't worth it.

She has to show an openness you have probably never seen before. She has to work on herself. Read some books recommended here. She has to show respect and damn well show she is doing everything in her power to understand your pain to it's core and also find any way possible to help you heal, restore trust, and if it comes to it let you go with dignity.

She has to put you first. She has to win you back.

As long as you are trying to make this work. As long as you are doing the heavy lifting.... why would she ever have to do anything other than nod along and say she loves you? 

Your doing all the work. And to boot you catch her in lie after lie and still want to work it out. It lowers your value. Makes you seem too attached to ever leave.

And let me tell you that is the last message you want sent.

Project power. Demand she take responsibility for what she has done. Set down a process you want followed and if she isn't willing to help then wave goodbye. She isn't even willing to have some uncomfortable conversations to help you deal with her massive betrayal? Walk away!! When you accept abuse the abuser has no reason to stop. People don't usually stop doing bad but enjoyable/profitable things unless consequences are given.

You can't love her back. Losing you and possibly your resources (she may just see you as a pay check sad as it sounds) is your only bet. Your only card to play. Anything else is coersion or begging. Do you want to beg? And if she doesn't wake up and pull her head out of her ass when faced with losing that.... She was too far gone or never with you to begin with. In that case wave goodbye with as much poise and dignity possible and move on. You did say dating sounded fun right?

As it is she probably believes she still has control of this situation. Much the same as I did.

She has to let go of control. You need to take back control. Stop waiting for her to decide if this can work out. Why the **** is it her decision? It's yours!!! She passed those deciding rights to you when she cheated.

Seriously this site is good stuff. Devour the info here and you will be armed for good relationships even should you divorce anyways. 

Also blow the AP put of the water. Informing is a powerful tool. Don't be ashamed. This isn't on you. Don't let her blame this on marriage issues. That's bull. She is damaged. She is toxic to be with. She has to prove she can change. It needs more than I love you and a promise to not do it. She already did that once. Remember. She probably wore a white dress.

Until she starts putting in serious work and understanding you're just rugsweeping. She will do it again. Or continue.

Don't be afraid to turn your back or show anger or make her sad. You NEED to ruffle her feathers and get her to wake the **** up and take this seriously. Not just for your healing but for her own and to make sure you are not signing up for repeat performance over the next decade only to be dropped should she find someone willing and worth leaving with to be with.

Set boundaries. Set the rules of the marriage YOU want. Set the consequences of inaction or further betrayal and stick to them. You have already lost the initiative. No more.

Get out of infidelity. If she follows good. See if you can make it work. If she doesn't. At least you are out of infidelity.


----------



## Decorum

broken925,

You say you are only in it for your kids. Do you think it is any different for her?

Once she is confident he will make a nest for her she will take your kids and fly to him.

She prioritized him above you, she risked everything to get with him.

She did not expect to get caught. Likely she was just going to ask for a divorce, because the "marriage" was not "working" for her, leave you , and he would "pop up" eventually.

She is into him, not you.

Right now she has a medical scare, she needs the nest you built for security. If she gets an all clear, the affair will start up again and you will be in the rear view mirror.

Could you ever, ever, ever, take the face of someone you love in your hands, look them in the eyes and lie in the most damaging, painful way possible?

Well she did just that. What does that tell you?

My advise, tell her there is no marriage left, you will be seeing a lawyer, but you still care for her, she is the mother of your children, so if she gets sick you will be there for her in that capacity, but not as a husband, you cannot pretend just because she is sick.

Tell her that if her boyfriends wants to step up you understand, and you will help her move.

That is all you owe her.


----------



## [email protected]

Broken, you have to stop making excuses for not doing your 180. You can plainly see that doing the Pick Me thing didn't work. Regardless of where the fallout lands, you must stand up for yourself. Otherwise, you will be back here again complaining about your WW while
she does her thing yet again. You have not asked me, but I'll tell you anyway. I don't think there's hope for this woman. She's a serial cheater and liar. And if she can con you into staying, she will do just that.


----------



## TDSC60

@FoolishOne,

Your retelling of the processes and feelings you went through while in an affair, and the results of your rug sweeping, are extremely valuable for any betrayed spouse here. Especially those who are paralyzed by fear of the future and cannot make a decision. It opens a realistic window into the thought processes of a wayward wife.

Sort of a "been there done that" scenario from truly repentant cheater.

Great post.


----------



## SentHereForAReason

FoolishOne said:


> As a wayward wife I want to avoid crashing and invading a BS's space, but I thought I might have an opinion from my viewpoint that may help the op.
> 
> I cheated. I did. I didn't respect my husband. He avoided making me angry. He was a white knight in a lot of ways. Disapointing , angering me and making waves was something He avoided. He allowed me to trick him and manipulate him. So I did. He let me take him for granted.
> 
> Truth be told I don't know if I loved my husband while in my affair and even sometime before that. I was in a bad place. Everything was about me. I was attracted to my husband and thought he was intelligent, but did I love him? How could I while doing what I did?
> 
> My husband tried being understanding. Giving me my space. Communicating. Loving me more. Dating. Letting go of arguments and accepting a loss just to appease me.
> 
> During my affair and before I was in no condition to think about his needs or wants. I was still all about me. My husband could have rearranged the stars in the shape of my name and I probably wouldn't have thought it that great. No crazy romantic gesture by him had the power to knock me out of me me me zone. The fact of the matter was I was sizing up a relationship with another man and keeping my husband on hold. As if it was my right to pick and choose in the shadows.
> 
> My husband going ballistic after finding emails was my first shock. My husband doesn't yell at me. His anger shocked me. It scared me. I truly started realizing I might have burned my bridges.
> 
> My first course of action was to minimize. Much like your wife.
> 
> I did it for a few reasons (your wife's may very). Shame. Fear of losing my family. Fear of losing my husband. Fear of losing my lifestyle. Fear of judgment from friends and family.
> 
> It was still all about me. I minimized. Destroyed evidence. Wouldn't talk about the affair. And continued the affair. Of course while blaming my husband's treatment of me and dangling reconciliation like a carrot to KEEP my husband in place while I decided between the OM and my husband.
> 
> My husband eventually found out proof of a physical relationship and a continued affair.
> 
> He didn't trust me. His first good decision. I was a liar. Of course I couldn't be trusted. Besides being caught not a thing had changed so why trust me?
> 
> When my husband found this info out he put a full stop to any of what people here call the pick me dance. He did the 180 without any knowledge from sites like this and detached.
> 
> He made it clear he wanted no part of what I offered. He wasn't interested in winning me back. My value to him dropped.
> 
> Between that and my AP showing more and more of what an ass hat he was and how empty our relationship was, my husband's obvious disgust detachment and seeming ability to move on without me easily, scared me.
> 
> It told me "hey your not really all that." It told me my husband wasn't a door mat and that he was no longer waiting for me to PICK him.
> 
> No. If I wanted back I had to earn it.
> 
> It literally shocked me the first time I approached my husband with the "ok I am now ready to work on our marriage and decided to love you attitude."
> 
> He scoffed at me and laughed. I remember being absolutely gobsmacked. Where was the husband who would pursue me to the end of the earth? Where did he go? At first I was miffed. Angry. Told him he was throwing us away. He told me no it was you. It dawned on me slowly when my bull**** didn't work on winning him over.
> 
> I came to the realization that I had killed that part of him. He no longer held hope for our marriage. No longer thought of me as a prize.
> 
> I perused him. I dealt with my **** bit by bit. I armed myself with knowledge about relationships and respect. I worked harder. I changed the way i aproached sex with my husband. I grew a new sense of respect with my husband and worked towards openness and communication.
> 
> It's all in my thread if you would like to read my story.
> 
> Through all of this I was sending signals that I wanted this relationship. That I was changing. I had to put
> work in. I had to sweat for it. It paid dividends. Little by little I was able to piece together a semblance of peace and tranquility.
> 
> There was one problem. We didn't deal with my affair. So many times he would try to breach the subject and I would shut him down.
> 
> It wasn't as bad as he thinks.
> I didn't want to talk about the past.
> I loved him and that was enough.
> 
> Anything to not adress the elephant in the room. I didn't know my husband knew more about my affair than I thought. So I never came foward about the true depths of my betrayal. I did this out of fear. Again. Losing everything. All about me.
> 
> We never worked through it. My husband never got the deep answers needed to heal. He only knew I was romanticly involved with another man and later secretly found I was going to the other man's house frequently. He knew I wasn't forthcoming. He didn't want to reveal what he knew. He wanted me to come foward. I didn't. So he played along and silently prepared for a life without me.
> 
> In a lot of ways the relationship we built in the last three years was a good one. But it was hollow. My husband hated it. He loved me in ways. But he lost respect for me. Doesn't trust me. He shouldnt. Not yet. I need to prove myself with actions and despite all the good I have accomplished without dealing with the affair it's all meaningless.
> 
> About 6 months ago I found out my husband was having an affair of his own. That has been the trigger for my realization that my inability to deal with my own affair and help my husband understand and give him the info needed had gutted my marriage. It was also a reinforcement of the idea that my husband will do just fine without me. It has put a sense of urgency to all of it.
> 
> So I came foward and told the truth. With the help of this site I got the nerve up. I had to face my problems. We had to face our problems. Infidelity isn't something you just get over. It changes everything. As it should.
> 
> The last 6 days have been me and my husband talking almost non stop. We have to redo every conversation we have had in the last 6 years. We don't know how this is going to work but in a lot of ways this new openness is what I always wanted. Its bitter and shameful. But it's open and honest and we are working it together. We work through the pain together. Too bad it came at this cost. To bad it took it all devolving to this sad state of affairs. Just goes to show how not dealing with stuff doesn't solve anything.
> 
> So when people tell you to stop being a door mat. They are trying to help you.
> 
> Your wife has to get ahead of this. She has to willingly and enthuesasticly help you understand every facet of her affair. She has to show you EVERYTHING. She can't hide anything. She isn't allowed privacy. This affair and it's meaning and her feelings about it can't be left to the wayside. Don't fix the issues in her that had her doing this then you are doomed for repeat. Or a sham marriage. You need to know you deserve better and if she isn't going to be better, then so be it. She isn't worth it.
> 
> She has to show an openness you have probably never seen before. She has to work on herself. Read some books recommended here. She has to show respect and damn well show she is doing everything in her power to understand your pain to it's core and also find any way possible to help you heal, restore trust, and if it comes to it let you go with dignity.
> 
> She has to put you first. She has to win you back.
> 
> As long as you are trying to make this work. As long as you are doing the heavy lifting.... why would she ever have to do anything other than nod along and say she loves you?
> 
> Your doing all the work. And to boot you catch her in lie after lie and still want to work it out. It lowers your value. Makes you seem too attached to ever leave.
> 
> And let me tell you that is the last message you want sent.
> 
> Project power. Demand she take responsibility for what she has done. Set down a process you want followed and if she isn't willing to help then wave goodbye. She isn't even willing to have some uncomfortable conversations to help you deal with her massive betrayal? Walk away!! When you accept abuse the abuser has no reason to stop. People don't usually stop doing bad but enjoyable/profitable things unless consequences are given.
> 
> You can't love her back. Losing you and possibly your resources (she may just see you as a pay check sad as it sounds) is your only bet. Your only card to play. Anything else is coersion or begging. Do you want to beg? And if she doesn't wake up and pull her head out of her ass when faced with losing that.... She was too far gone or never with you to begin with. In that case wave goodbye with as much poise and dignity possible and move on. You did say dating sounded fun right?
> 
> As it is she probably believes she still has control of this situation. Much the same as I did.
> 
> She has to let go of control. You need to take back control. Stop waiting for her to decide if this can work out. Why the **** is it her decision? It's yours!!! She passed those deciding rights to you when she cheated.
> 
> Seriously this site is good stuff. Devour the info here and you will be armed for good relationships even should you divorce anyways.
> 
> Also blow the AP put of the water. Informing is a powerful tool. Don't be ashamed. This isn't on you. Don't let her blame this on marriage issues. That's bull. She is damaged. She is toxic to be with. She has to prove she can change. It needs more than I love you and a promise to not do it. She already did that once. Remember. She probably wore a white dress.
> 
> Until she starts putting in serious work and understanding you're just rugsweeping. She will do it again. Or continue.
> 
> Don't be afraid to turn your back or show anger or make her sad. You NEED to ruffle her feathers and get her to wake the **** up and take this seriously. Not just for your healing but for her own and to make sure you are not signing up for repeat performance over the next decade only to be dropped should she find someone willing and worth leaving with to be with.
> 
> Set boundaries. Set the rules of the marriage YOU want. Set the consequences of inaction or further betrayal and stick to them. You have already lost the initiative. No more.
> 
> Get out of infidelity. If she follows good. See if you can make it work. If she doesn't. At least you are out of infidelity.


Thank you posting this, this is something I hope many BS read and take to absolute heart, well written and should hit home! I hope you and your family eventually find peace and resolution in what you guys are going through.


----------



## BluesPower

TDSC60 said:


> @FoolishOne,
> 
> Your retelling of the processes and feelings you went through while in an affair, and the results of your rug sweeping, are extremely valuable for any betrayed spouse here. Especially those who are paralyzed by fear of the future and cannot make a decision. It opens a realistic window into the thought processes of a wayward wife.
> 
> Sort of a "been there done that" scenario from truly repentant cheater.
> 
> Great post.


 @FoolishOne...

Totally agree, this is a great post and should be very helpful. You have really made progress. Everyone should be proud of you.


----------



## Broken925

Does anyone in my position and ends up divorcing, ever regret their decision?


----------



## BluesPower

Broken925 said:


> Does anyone in my position and ends up divorcing, ever regret their decision?


I am not saying that it has never happened. But I am saying that at 54 years of age, I have never, ever, ever heard of someone in Your position, express regret divorcing a spouse like yours. 

In fact the one constant is to a person, they all thought that they waited too long, and further, they are more happy than they have ever been. 

And, the other constant is that they thought that they were complete fools for staying as long as they did.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

@FoolishOne, thank you for that amazing post. It should be stickied at the top of the CWI section!


----------



## Knips

If it comes to divorce it is not because you do a 180. If it comes to a divorce it is because you're dear wife is cheating on you. If she loves you she will regain respect for you. If she stills keeps cheating she will never love you. Then the divorce is her decision.


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11

Broken925 said:


> Does anyone in my position and ends up divorcing, ever regret their decision?


I've never met anyone that regrets divorcing after something like infidelity. I've heard from quite a few men that regret staying though. They stay because of other things...kids or finances, not their wife. Your wife isn't someone irreplaceable, you'll likely get over her fairly quickly if you divorced. Anyone that disrespects you enough to cheat on you isn't someone to fall on your sword for IMO. 

It is change like anything else but you adapt and come out stronger with a chance with someone much better. You'll come up with all sort of bullsh!t excuse why you can't divorce or just not right now. It's all bullsh!t though, you either choose to accept an adulterated marriage or not. You aren't offering a gift or anything special. You stay because that is what you want.


----------



## TDSC60

Broken925 said:


> Does anyone in my position and ends up divorcing, ever regret their decision?


I have personal knowledge of a couple who attempted to stay together for the kids (6 yr and 4 yr old) after the wife's infidelity. They made it for 18 months and finally got divorced because the husband just could not trust her again. 1 year after DDay she went on a vacation with the kids and a girlfriend. The husband was calling her and the girlfriend constantly. He told me that that was the moment that he finally realized that the marriage was truly over. He is now happy with his life. The kids have adjusted to the new situation well.

In another couple, the then-fiance wife had a drunken one night stand a few weeks before the wedding with an old boyfriend who was to be one of the ushers at the wedding and a friend of the groom. She confessed one day before the destination wedding after all the guest had traveled to the destination. They married and 6 months latter they split.

In neither of these situations did the husband regret the divorce.


----------



## OutofRetirement

I know guys who regretted a lot of things. A lot regretted who stayed married. And some who regretted divorcing, but those only be because of getting screwed over in legal matters when the cheater made false accusations. Losing their kids, their money, their homes, and even their liberty, if they could do it over again they'd just deal with living with the cheater.

If you decide to divorce, always protect yourself. You really can't expect a cheater to be ethical. That would be crazy. Expect the worst, prepare, then be pleasantly surprised if they aren't completely morally bankrupt. But when they behave consistently with the ones they made sacred vows with, you can't underestimate them. (What is the most important promise you ever have given to someone?)

If you protect yourself, you won't regret divorcing her. Of this I am 99.99 percent sure. 

I never recommend anyone to divorce. Or reconcile. That is up to you.

I have seen a lot of guys whose cheating wife changed her ways after getting divorce papers and later reconciled. But I would never recommend filing just as a manipulation. Only file if you really are willing to divorce.

Cheaters? Why do so few of them ever file for divorce? In one word, cake. They want the lifestyle and security of marriage, finances, reputation, chores and most importantly a babysitter while they cheat.

As far as your wife's illness. I have heard of this a good number of times. I've never seen it end an affair. I've never seen one where the cheater said, thank God my husband was here to take care of me, he really loves me, the OM wouldn't do that, I choose my husband. Every time I've heard of it, the cheater went right back to the affair, if it ever even paused while she was sick. One guy I remember had to change his wife's diapers for months. As soon as she was able, she was right back to other man.

But those are other people. Your wife might be a unique special snowflake. It's possible, right? Theoretically possible?

The only time I've ever seen what I would call "true" reconciliation was when the betrayed spouse make a strong, firm stand.

If I were in your shoes, if my wife did have a serious illness, probably I would not leave her while she was sick, assuming that was not longer than a year or two. I would just deal with it for the sake of my kids. But I wouldn't be expecting much from my wife.

I hate to say this, I don't like it, but a lot of life is managing your expectations. Be honest about your wife, who she is, and what she's all about. Be honest about yourself, too, and work on those areas you want to fix. You dont want to become cold and unfeeling because of what she's done. By the same yoken, you can't ignore reality and live your life in a fantasy land 

There are words we can say to each other, husbands and wives, there are things we can do. Your wife isn't saying those things. Your wife isn't doing those things.


----------



## Taxman

Broken925 said:


> Does anyone in my position and ends up divorcing, ever regret their decision?


From my perspective, I have seen it go both ways. More often than not, the affair is a deal breaker. I have seen recovery, but the wayward has really worked their butt off to repair the damage THEY did. You have to assess what the game plan is before proceeding. Have there been substantive discussions, or is she forthcoming? If the answer is no, then at this point, do you anticipate any discussion?

Given she has a scare, hold off for now. I would use a divorce filing as shock and awe. It usually shakes the respondent. She may see that you have a way forward without her. That puts their bad acts into perspective quickly.

File, as it can be withdrawn at a later date.


----------



## Kamstel

Only wish it could have been immediately after discovery!!!!


----------



## GusPolinski

Broken925 said:


> Does anyone in my position and ends up divorcing, ever regret their decision?


If you’re looking for the fabled “Path of No Regret”, then you’re out of luck — it doesn’t exist.

The question is this:

Knowing yourself, your values, etc, which will you regret _more_?


----------



## TRy

Broken925 said:


> Does anyone in my position and ends up divorcing, ever regret their decision?


 People in your situation with a spouse like yours experience fear, uncertainty, and doubt (FUD) about divorcing their cheating spouse. This is because this happened not of a time of your choosing, when you have been faithful and off the market for a long time, and when you are at your mental weakest because your spouse's affair makes you feel inadequate and worthless. Being cheating on destroys your self confidence like nothing else can, because the person that is suppose to be bucking you up, is tearing you down.

After a divorce you discover that the worst case scenario you pictured rarely happens, and that the upside of the divorce was not properly added to the equation as it should have been. For example, somewhere out there is a person that would wake up every morning thanking God that you were in their life. Someone that does not lie, is faithful, has your back, and loves being with you more than anyone else. Divorce gives you the opportunity to find that person. I know someone that after their divorce was final, discovered that one of his wife's single and attractive friends that he knew for many years always had a crush on him, but never acted on it because he was married. He cannot believe just how much better his life is now that he is with someone that he can trust, and that actually appreciates and values him. His only regret is that he did not divorce his cheating wife sooner so that he could have started his life with his new wife sooner. He feels that he wasted the years from when he first discovered cheating to when he filed for divorce. BTW his ex is no longer seeing the affair partner, and she is complaining to their kids how tough it is to be dating again; she actually complains to the kids how all of the good ones are married.


----------



## aine

@FoolishOne, a very insightful post. Too many BS allow WS into their lives without making them do the very heavy lifting that is required for the marriage to be repaired and above all the BS to fully heal.


----------



## sokillme

@Broken925

Instead of asking if you will regret it how about asking what she really brings to your life at this point except history? 

You are obviously not safe as if you were you would feel so awful. It's her and her behavior that have made you feel that way. She has made you questions your whole being. 

So what is it? Is it history? The thing about history is it can't be relived so if the person has changed it loses it's value. Those days are over. 

Is it you are afraid? I mean first of all can it get much worse? What are you afraid of being miserable? Are you happy now? Is avoiding being alone avoiding being miserable? Doesn't seem like it. So maybe you should see if being along (which will probably only be a short time in terms of your life) will make you less miserable. 

This whole relationship will end when being without her will cause you less pain then being with her. The only reason you are not there yet is because your thinking is not clear.

Here is the thing that we can tell from the outside. Your wife is a bully and not a very good wife. You are settling for the very bottom and the worst kind of life, I personally think that is because you are afraid. You have gotten it in your head that this women is your only path to happiness. But that is just a story that you tell yourself. A story that is a lie. Look up sunk cost fallacy. That is what you are doing with your life. This is painful but it must be said. Your wife doesn't love you the way a wife should love her husband. She bullies and takes advantage of you because you are operating out of weakness. You do that because you are afraid. But your fears are irrational. You need to change your thinking. Go get some counseling if you can't do that on your own. There are men on this board who felt the same way you did who are now divorced and see how wrong they were. Most of them are much happier. I hope they follow my post by confirming this. 

I have been reading these types of threads for years now. They all fit a pattern and you fit a very prominent one. This is, passive men get cheated on. I think partly because the cheater married them because they knew there spouse would facilitate their cheating lifestyle. Also though I think in general women lose respect for passive men. The want a hero not a butler. Also men who treat their wives like children (meaning thinking they are powerless in their own decision making, are too naive or weak to know right from wrong) end up becoming their wives parents. Kids rebel from their parents. You set the tone in your marriage. It's in our nature.

You need to get some help with this or this is going to be a pattern in all your relationships. 

Read 

https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025
https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_...ix=human+ma,stripbooks,129&crid=1USPPIVPVND54

Read these posts it will give you an alternative that your life can follow.

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/consi...on/371010-thouse-who-move-through-action.html

More thoughts.

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/gener...s-knight-shining-armor-unhealthy-dynamic.html



Please get some counseling.


----------



## sokillme

FoolishOne said:


> As a wayward wife I want to avoid crashing and invading a BS's space, but I thought I might have an opinion from my viewpoint that may help the op.
> 
> I cheated. I did. I didn't respect my husband. He avoided making me angry. He was a white knight in a lot of ways. Disapointing , angering me and making waves was something He avoided. He allowed me to trick him and manipulate him. So I did. He let me take him for granted.
> 
> Truth be told I don't know if I loved my husband while in my affair and even sometime before that. I was in a bad place. Everything was about me. I was attracted to my husband and thought he was intelligent, but did I love him? How could I while doing what I did?
> 
> My husband tried being understanding. Giving me my space. Communicating. Loving me more. Dating. Letting go of arguments and accepting a loss just to appease me.
> 
> During my affair and before I was in no condition to think about his needs or wants. I was still all about me. My husband could have rearranged the stars in the shape of my name and I probably wouldn't have thought it that great. No crazy romantic gesture by him had the power to knock me out of me me me zone. The fact of the matter was I was sizing up a relationship with another man and keeping my husband on hold. As if it was my right to pick and choose in the shadows.
> 
> My husband going ballistic after finding emails was my first shock. My husband doesn't yell at me. His anger shocked me. It scared me. I truly started realizing I might have burned my bridges.
> 
> My first course of action was to minimize. Much like your wife.
> 
> I did it for a few reasons (your wife's may very). Shame. Fear of losing my family. Fear of losing my husband. Fear of losing my lifestyle. Fear of judgment from friends and family.
> 
> It was still all about me. I minimized. Destroyed evidence. Wouldn't talk about the affair. And continued the affair. Of course while blaming my husband's treatment of me and dangling reconciliation like a carrot to KEEP my husband in place while I decided between the OM and my husband.
> 
> My husband eventually found out proof of a physical relationship and a continued affair.
> 
> He didn't trust me. His first good decision. I was a liar. Of course I couldn't be trusted. Besides being caught not a thing had changed so why trust me?
> 
> When my husband found this info out he put a full stop to any of what people here call the pick me dance. He did the 180 without any knowledge from sites like this and detached.
> 
> He made it clear he wanted no part of what I offered. He wasn't interested in winning me back. My value to him dropped.
> 
> Between that and my AP showing more and more of what an ass hat he was and how empty our relationship was, my husband's obvious disgust detachment and seeming ability to move on without me easily, scared me.
> 
> It told me "hey your not really all that." It told me my husband wasn't a door mat and that he was no longer waiting for me to PICK him.
> 
> No. If I wanted back I had to earn it.
> 
> It literally shocked me the first time I approached my husband with the "ok I am now ready to work on our marriage and decided to love you attitude."
> 
> He scoffed at me and laughed. I remember being absolutely gobsmacked. Where was the husband who would pursue me to the end of the earth? Where did he go? At first I was miffed. Angry. Told him he was throwing us away. He told me no it was you. It dawned on me slowly when my bull**** didn't work on winning him over.
> 
> I came to the realization that I had killed that part of him. He no longer held hope for our marriage. No longer thought of me as a prize.
> 
> I perused him. I dealt with my **** bit by bit. I armed myself with knowledge about relationships and respect. I worked harder. I changed the way i aproached sex with my husband. I grew a new sense of respect with my husband and worked towards openness and communication.
> 
> It's all in my thread if you would like to read my story.
> 
> Through all of this I was sending signals that I wanted this relationship. That I was changing. I had to put
> work in. I had to sweat for it. It paid dividends. Little by little I was able to piece together a semblance of peace and tranquility.
> 
> There was one problem. We didn't deal with my affair. So many times he would try to breach the subject and I would shut him down.
> 
> It wasn't as bad as he thinks.
> I didn't want to talk about the past.
> I loved him and that was enough.
> 
> Anything to not adress the elephant in the room. I didn't know my husband knew more about my affair than I thought. So I never came foward about the true depths of my betrayal. I did this out of fear. Again. Losing everything. All about me.
> 
> We never worked through it. My husband never got the deep answers needed to heal. He only knew I was romanticly involved with another man and later secretly found I was going to the other man's house frequently. He knew I wasn't forthcoming. He didn't want to reveal what he knew. He wanted me to come foward. I didn't. So he played along and silently prepared for a life without me.
> 
> In a lot of ways the relationship we built in the last three years was a good one. But it was hollow. My husband hated it. He loved me in ways. But he lost respect for me. Doesn't trust me. He shouldnt. Not yet. I need to prove myself with actions and despite all the good I have accomplished without dealing with the affair it's all meaningless.
> 
> About 6 months ago I found out my husband was having an affair of his own. That has been the trigger for my realization that my inability to deal with my own affair and help my husband understand and give him the info needed had gutted my marriage. It was also a reinforcement of the idea that my husband will do just fine without me. It has put a sense of urgency to all of it.
> 
> So I came foward and told the truth. With the help of this site I got the nerve up. I had to face my problems. We had to face our problems. Infidelity isn't something you just get over. It changes everything. As it should.
> 
> The last 6 days have been me and my husband talking almost non stop. We have to redo every conversation we have had in the last 6 years. We don't know how this is going to work but in a lot of ways this new openness is what I always wanted. Its bitter and shameful. But it's open and honest and we are working it together. We work through the pain together. Too bad it came at this cost. To bad it took it all devolving to this sad state of affairs. Just goes to show how not dealing with stuff doesn't solve anything.
> 
> So when people tell you to stop being a door mat. They are trying to help you.
> 
> Your wife has to get ahead of this. She has to willingly and enthuesasticly help you understand every facet of her affair. She has to show you EVERYTHING. She can't hide anything. She isn't allowed privacy. This affair and it's meaning and her feelings about it can't be left to the wayside. Don't fix the issues in her that had her doing this then you are doomed for repeat. Or a sham marriage. You need to know you deserve better and if she isn't going to be better, then so be it. She isn't worth it.
> 
> She has to show an openness you have probably never seen before. She has to work on herself. Read some books recommended here. She has to show respect and damn well show she is doing everything in her power to understand your pain to it's core and also find any way possible to help you heal, restore trust, and if it comes to it let you go with dignity.
> 
> She has to put you first. She has to win you back.
> 
> As long as you are trying to make this work. As long as you are doing the heavy lifting.... why would she ever have to do anything other than nod along and say she loves you?
> 
> Your doing all the work. And to boot you catch her in lie after lie and still want to work it out. It lowers your value. Makes you seem too attached to ever leave.
> 
> And let me tell you that is the last message you want sent.
> 
> Project power. Demand she take responsibility for what she has done. Set down a process you want followed and if she isn't willing to help then wave goodbye. She isn't even willing to have some uncomfortable conversations to help you deal with her massive betrayal? Walk away!! When you accept abuse the abuser has no reason to stop. People don't usually stop doing bad but enjoyable/profitable things unless consequences are given.
> 
> You can't love her back. Losing you and possibly your resources (she may just see you as a pay check sad as it sounds) is your only bet. Your only card to play. Anything else is coersion or begging. Do you want to beg? And if she doesn't wake up and pull her head out of her ass when faced with losing that.... She was too far gone or never with you to begin with. In that case wave goodbye with as much poise and dignity possible and move on. You did say dating sounded fun right?
> 
> As it is she probably believes she still has control of this situation. Much the same as I did.
> 
> She has to let go of control. You need to take back control. Stop waiting for her to decide if this can work out. Why the **** is it her decision? It's yours!!! She passed those deciding rights to you when she cheated.
> 
> Seriously this site is good stuff. Devour the info here and you will be armed for good relationships even should you divorce anyways.
> 
> Also blow the AP put of the water. Informing is a powerful tool. Don't be ashamed. This isn't on you. Don't let her blame this on marriage issues. That's bull. She is damaged. She is toxic to be with. She has to prove she can change. It needs more than I love you and a promise to not do it. She already did that once. Remember. She probably wore a white dress.
> 
> Until she starts putting in serious work and understanding you're just rugsweeping. She will do it again. Or continue.
> 
> Don't be afraid to turn your back or show anger or make her sad. You NEED to ruffle her feathers and get her to wake the **** up and take this seriously. Not just for your healing but for her own and to make sure you are not signing up for repeat performance over the next decade only to be dropped should she find someone willing and worth leaving with to be with.
> 
> Set boundaries. Set the rules of the marriage YOU want. Set the consequences of inaction or further betrayal and stick to them. You have already lost the initiative. No more.
> 
> Get out of infidelity. If she follows good. See if you can make it work. If she doesn't. At least you are out of infidelity.


 @FoolishOne I would like to add this to my thread if you don't mind.


----------



## FoolishOne

sokillme said:


> FoolishOne said:
> 
> 
> 
> As a wayward wife I want to avoid crashing and invading a BS's space, but I thought I might have an opinion from my viewpoint that may help the op.
> 
> I cheated. I did. I didn't respect my husband. He avoided making me angry. He was a white knight in a lot of ways. Disapointing , angering me and making waves was something He avoided. He allowed me to trick him and manipulate him. So I did. He let me take him for granted.
> 
> Truth be told I don't know if I loved my husband while in my affair and even sometime before that. I was in a bad place. Everything was about me. I was attracted to my husband and thought he was intelligent, but did I love him? How could I while doing what I did?
> 
> My husband tried being understanding. Giving me my space. Communicating. Loving me more. Dating. Letting go of arguments and accepting a loss just to appease me.
> 
> During my affair and before I was in no condition to think about his needs or wants. I was still all about me. My husband could have rearranged the stars in the shape of my name and I probably wouldn't have thought it that great. No crazy romantic gesture by him had the power to knock me out of me me me zone. The fact of the matter was I was sizing up a relationship with another man and keeping my husband on hold. As if it was my right to pick and choose in the shadows.
> 
> My husband going ballistic after finding emails was my first shock. My husband doesn't yell at me. His anger shocked me. It scared me. I truly started realizing I might have burned my bridges.
> 
> My first course of action was to minimize. Much like your wife.
> 
> I did it for a few reasons (your wife's may very). Shame. Fear of losing my family. Fear of losing my husband. Fear of losing my lifestyle. Fear of judgment from friends and family.
> 
> It was still all about me. I minimized. Destroyed evidence. Wouldn't talk about the affair. And continued the affair. Of course while blaming my husband's treatment of me and dangling reconciliation like a carrot to KEEP my husband in place while I decided between the OM and my husband.
> 
> My husband eventually found out proof of a physical relationship and a continued affair.
> 
> He didn't trust me. His first good decision. I was a liar. Of course I couldn't be trusted. Besides being caught not a thing had changed so why trust me?
> 
> When my husband found this info out he put a full stop to any of what people here call the pick me dance. He did the 180 without any knowledge from sites like this and detached.
> 
> He made it clear he wanted no part of what I offered. He wasn't interested in winning me back. My value to him dropped.
> 
> Between that and my AP showing more and more of what an ass hat he was and how empty our relationship was, my husband's obvious disgust detachment and seeming ability to move on without me easily, scared me.
> 
> It told me "hey your not really all that." It told me my husband wasn't a door mat and that he was no longer waiting for me to PICK him.
> 
> No. If I wanted back I had to earn it.
> 
> It literally shocked me the first time I approached my husband with the "ok I am now ready to work on our marriage and decided to love you attitude."
> 
> He scoffed at me and laughed. I remember being absolutely gobsmacked. Where was the husband who would pursue me to the end of the earth? Where did he go? At first I was miffed. Angry. Told him he was throwing us away. He told me no it was you. It dawned on me slowly when my bull**** didn't work on winning him over.
> 
> I came to the realization that I had killed that part of him. He no longer held hope for our marriage. No longer thought of me as a prize.
> 
> I perused him. I dealt with my **** bit by bit. I armed myself with knowledge about relationships and respect. I worked harder. I changed the way i aproached sex with my husband. I grew a new sense of respect with my husband and worked towards openness and communication.
> 
> It's all in my thread if you would like to read my story.
> 
> Through all of this I was sending signals that I wanted this relationship. That I was changing. I had to put
> work in. I had to sweat for it. It paid dividends. Little by little I was able to piece together a semblance of peace and tranquility.
> 
> There was one problem. We didn't deal with my affair. So many times he would try to breach the subject and I would shut him down.
> 
> It wasn't as bad as he thinks.
> I didn't want to talk about the past.
> I loved him and that was enough.
> 
> Anything to not adress the elephant in the room. I didn't know my husband knew more about my affair than I thought. So I never came foward about the true depths of my betrayal. I did this out of fear. Again. Losing everything. All about me.
> 
> We never worked through it. My husband never got the deep answers needed to heal. He only knew I was romanticly involved with another man and later secretly found I was going to the other man's house frequently. He knew I wasn't forthcoming. He didn't want to reveal what he knew. He wanted me to come foward. I didn't. So he played along and silently prepared for a life without me.
> 
> In a lot of ways the relationship we built in the last three years was a good one. But it was hollow. My husband hated it. He loved me in ways. But he lost respect for me. Doesn't trust me. He shouldnt. Not yet. I need to prove myself with actions and despite all the good I have accomplished without dealing with the affair it's all meaningless.
> 
> About 6 months ago I found out my husband was having an affair of his own. That has been the trigger for my realization that my inability to deal with my own affair and help my husband understand and give him the info needed had gutted my marriage. It was also a reinforcement of the idea that my husband will do just fine without me. It has put a sense of urgency to all of it.
> 
> So I came foward and told the truth. With the help of this site I got the nerve up. I had to face my problems. We had to face our problems. Infidelity isn't something you just get over. It changes everything. As it should.
> 
> The last 6 days have been me and my husband talking almost non stop. We have to redo every conversation we have had in the last 6 years. We don't know how this is going to work but in a lot of ways this new openness is what I always wanted. Its bitter and shameful. But it's open and honest and we are working it together. We work through the pain together. Too bad it came at this cost. To bad it took it all devolving to this sad state of affairs. Just goes to show how not dealing with stuff doesn't solve anything.
> 
> So when people tell you to stop being a door mat. They are trying to help you.
> 
> Your wife has to get ahead of this. She has to willingly and enthuesasticly help you understand every facet of her affair. She has to show you EVERYTHING. She can't hide anything. She isn't allowed privacy. This affair and it's meaning and her feelings about it can't be left to the wayside. Don't fix the issues in her that had her doing this then you are doomed for repeat. Or a sham marriage. You need to know you deserve better and if she isn't going to be better, then so be it. She isn't worth it.
> 
> She has to show an openness you have probably never seen before. She has to work on herself. Read some books recommended here. She has to show respect and damn well show she is doing everything in her power to understand your pain to it's core and also find any way possible to help you heal, restore trust, and if it comes to it let you go with dignity.
> 
> She has to put you first. She has to win you back.
> 
> As long as you are trying to make this work. As long as you are doing the heavy lifting.... why would she ever have to do anything other than nod along and say she loves you?
> 
> Your doing all the work. And to boot you catch her in lie after lie and still want to work it out. It lowers your value. Makes you seem too attached to ever leave.
> 
> And let me tell you that is the last message you want sent.
> 
> Project power. Demand she take responsibility for what she has done. Set down a process you want followed and if she isn't willing to help then wave goodbye. She isn't even willing to have some uncomfortable conversations to help you deal with her massive betrayal? Walk away!! When you accept abuse the abuser has no reason to stop. People don't usually stop doing bad but enjoyable/profitable things unless consequences are given.
> 
> You can't love her back. Losing you and possibly your resources (she may just see you as a pay check sad as it sounds) is your only bet. Your only card to play. Anything else is coersion or begging. Do you want to beg? And if she doesn't wake up and pull her head out of her ass when faced with losing that.... She was too far gone or never with you to begin with. In that case wave goodbye with as much poise and dignity possible and move on. You did say dating sounded fun right?
> 
> As it is she probably believes she still has control of this situation. Much the same as I did.
> 
> She has to let go of control. You need to take back control. Stop waiting for her to decide if this can work out. Why the **** is it her decision? It's yours!!! She passed those deciding rights to you when she cheated.
> 
> Seriously this site is good stuff. Devour the info here and you will be armed for good relationships even should you divorce anyways.
> 
> Also blow the AP put of the water. Informing is a powerful tool. Don't be ashamed. This isn't on you. Don't let her blame this on marriage issues. That's bull. She is damaged. She is toxic to be with. She has to prove she can change. It needs more than I love you and a promise to not do it. She already did that once. Remember. She probably wore a white dress.
> 
> Until she starts putting in serious work and understanding you're just rugsweeping. She will do it again. Or continue.
> 
> Don't be afraid to turn your back or show anger or make her sad. You NEED to ruffle her feathers and get her to wake the **** up and take this seriously. Not just for your healing but for her own and to make sure you are not signing up for repeat performance over the next decade only to be dropped should she find someone willing and worth leaving with to be with.
> 
> Set boundaries. Set the rules of the marriage YOU want. Set the consequences of inaction or further betrayal and stick to them. You have already lost the initiative. No more.
> 
> Get out of infidelity. If she follows good. See if you can make it work. If she doesn't. At least you are out of infidelity.
> 
> 
> 
> @FoolishOne I would like to add this to my thread if you don't mind.
Click to expand...

Not at all. I hope it helps.


----------



## Gabriel

BluesPower said:


> I am not saying that it has never happened. But I am saying that at 54 years of age, I have never, ever, ever heard of someone in Your position, express regret divorcing a spouse like yours.
> 
> In fact the one constant is to a person, they all thought that they waited too long, and further, they are more happy than they have ever been.
> 
> And, the other constant is that they thought that they were complete fools for staying as long as they did.



Pretty much.

This has gone on awhile, one more week to get the verification on the lump might be a good idea before telling her you are done. If it is cancerous, you can do what someone else suggested, and have a heart to heart with her that you will be there to support her, do double duty for the kids, etc. but that you can't be her husband anymore. And if it's benign, well, you have an easier out.

You are absolutely miserable. I can feel it in your words. Enough is enough. This isn't going to get better. She betrayed you and deceived you SO BADLY. And if you let her off the hook by staying passive and staying married to her, she'll just do it again, either with this guy or another one. Bet.

Time to let her go.


----------



## Broken925

I thought I would come back and share some updates...

As for as the tumor. It's benign. Thanks god.

So time for the decision. A week ago I told her that I hadn't been happy for a very long time. That I wasn't sure what I wanted anymore. Not knowing whether divorce was far off. She cried and cried. The next day we talked about it again. She said she didn't want a divorce and would do anything necessary. I said I don't think it mattered anymore and again she cried. I woke up in the middle of the night to her crying again. I felt awful.


The next day I see the laptop on the table. She said she was applying for jobs back where she was from. I just said "bye" and walked out only to have her chase me down. She talked counseling and I reluctantly agreed. She worked the weekend so we barely saw each other. We co existed throughout the week until this morning she texts me if I still wanted to be married. Lots of back and forth later I said I would like to separate. 

I'm at work, and not wanting to go home tonight other than to see my kids.


----------



## Taxman

Actually, well done. She is on notice that she has destroyed her marriage, and now has no idea what to do to keep you. I would apply pressure to get her to the position of giving you a decent financial and visitation settlement. I have seen the betrayed and soon to be divorced spouse get a fairly positive deal using their wayward spouse's guilt and fear.


----------



## Gabriel

Stories like this are so sad. The stupid wayward finally gets how serious their crimes are when it's too late. Now she can't stand the idea of losing you and is totally panicking, realizing the horrors of her ways. Too bad she couldn't do that earlier on, when you were suffering and in so much pain. 

Note, her pain right now is all about her. She is looking to stop HER pain, not yours. She had her chance to stop yours already, and didn't.


----------



## MaiChi

I have worked for the Samaritans for 8 years. I have never met anyone who had an affair and was forgiven and went on to NOT cheat again. My belief is that cheating is caused by disrespect for your spouse and yourself. I don't see how anyone can learn RESPECT as an adult. We learn that when we are in our developmental years. 

I do not believe forgiving unfaithfulness works. Its my opinion.


----------



## Gabriel

MaiChi said:


> I have worked for the Samaritans for 8 years. I have never met anyone who had an affair and was forgiven and went on to NOT cheat again. My belief is that cheating is caused by disrespect for your spouse and yourself. I don't see how anyone can learn RESPECT as an adult. We learn that when we are in our developmental years.
> 
> I do not believe forgiving unfaithfulness works. Its my opinion.


Full on, physical affair, I tend to agree. Emotional is repairable, though still hard.

I do know of a woman (used to be a friend) who had a many year long affair. She is still married today. I have no idea if her husband ever found out or if she ever ended the affair.


----------



## Marc878

Broken925 said:


> I thought I would come back and share some updates...
> 
> As for as the tumor. It's benign. Thanks god.
> 
> So time for the decision. A week ago I told her that I hadn't been happy for a very long time. That I wasn't sure what I wanted anymore. Not knowing whether divorce was far off. She cried and cried. The next day we talked about it again. She said she didn't want a divorce and would do anything necessary. I said I don't think it mattered anymore and again she cried. I woke up in the middle of the night to her crying again. I felt awful.
> 
> 
> The next day I see the laptop on the table. She said she was applying for jobs back where she was from. I just said "bye" and walked out only to have her chase me down. *She talked counseling and I reluctantly agreed.* She worked the weekend so we barely saw each other. We co existed throughout the week until this morning she texts me if I still wanted to be married. Lots of back and forth later I said I would like to separate.
> 
> I'm at work, and not wanting to go home tonight other than to see my kids.


I have no confidence in MC's. From what I've seen for the most part is rugsweeping or finding ways to guilt trip the affair on the BS. They put their kids through college by trying to keep the marriage going at all cost. Usually at the BS's expense. It's how they earn their money man. Of course they want it to continue.


----------



## TDSC60

Broken925 said:


> I thought I would come back and share some updates...
> 
> As for as the tumor. It's benign. Thanks god.
> 
> So time for the decision. A week ago I told her that I hadn't been happy for a very long time. That I wasn't sure what I wanted anymore. Not knowing whether divorce was far off. She cried and cried. The next day we talked about it again. She said she didn't want a divorce and would do anything necessary. I said I don't think it mattered anymore and again she cried. I woke up in the middle of the night to her crying again. I felt awful.
> 
> 
> The next day I see the laptop on the table. She said she was applying for jobs back where she was from. I just said "bye" and walked out only to have her chase me down. She talked counseling and I reluctantly agreed. She worked the weekend so we barely saw each other. We co existed throughout the week until this morning she texts me if I still wanted to be married. Lots of back and forth later I said I would like to separate.
> 
> I'm at work, and not wanting to go home tonight other than to see my kids.


Has she ever really apologized to you for what she did? It doesn't sound like it. Does she admit that she is the one at fault or is she attempting to blame you?

Or is she just sorry for the consequences that she has to face?


----------



## GusPolinski

Not sure if this has been addressed but if she’s been working with OM this entire time then it’s pretty likely that the affair has continued under your nose... the entire time.

Also, it sounds like counseling would be a waste of time for you. After all, counseling — in cases similar to yours, anyway — is essentially nothing more than paying someone to spend hours pounding another perspective into your head in an effort to get you to accept something that should be unacceptable.


----------



## GusPolinski

Re-read portions of the thread after my last post and noted that, though she switched jobs after the initial D-Day, the affair continued even _after_ she switched jobs.

So I’m not sure how her looking for a new job amounts to some grand gesture of reconciliation in her mind, especially considering that she’s looking to _go back_ to her old place of work... _as in where OM works ...?!?_

Did I read that correctly?


----------



## Chaparral

I think she is looking for a job where she is from. If that is so you need to get a lawyer quick so she doesn’t leave with your kids. There are lots of jobs in most places now so you better be quick. Hanging with a cheater has just gotten worse and worse for you. It won’t stop until you make it stop.

No matter how much you love a cheater it only gets better when you leave them in th rear view mirror.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

If you start to question your decision, just remember that day that she cradled your face in her hands, looked you in the eye and said "You can trust me." While she might be able to put on impressive crying displays these days, you've already seen the person she really is.


----------



## Broken925

TDSC60 said:


> Has she ever really apologized to you for what she did? It doesn't sound like it. Does she admit that she is the one at fault or is she attempting to blame you?
> 
> Or is she just sorry for the consequences that she has to face?


Yes she has apologized a bunch of times. She said she has made a terrible mistake that she will have to regret the rest of her life. She has not blamed me at all except for saying that I haven't tried to make it work. I'll admit it's hard to put effort into trying on my end.


----------



## faithfulman

> Yes she has apologized a bunch of times. She said she has made a terrible mistake that she will have to regret the rest of her life. She has not blamed me at all except for saying that I haven't tried to make it work. I'll admit it's hard to put effort into trying on my end.


It wasn't a mistake. 5+5=11 is mistake.

What she did was deceive you and betray you with intent. She made bad choices with complete awareness of how she was hurting you, and her family.


----------



## BluesPower

faithfulman said:


> It wasn't a mistake. 5+5=11 is mistake.
> 
> What she did was deceive you and betray you with intent. She made bad choices with complete awareness of how she was hurting you, and her family.


You know, Mistake is a word that she should take out of her vocabulary. She just does not get to use it.


----------



## red oak

Broken925 said:


> Yes she has apologized a bunch of times. She said she has made a terrible mistake that she will have to regret the rest of her life. She has not blamed me at all except for saying that I haven't tried to make it work. I'll admit it's hard to put effort into trying on my end.


Your STBX mistake took place long before the affair started. The moment someone made a pass at her, and she didn't defend and tell you about it. If a W wont tell her husband their is a reason. 

Ex: a few months into my wife and I seeing each other we were in a public place. I saw an opportunity and took it. there had been some in the same area but was leaving when I walked in. Being the cut up I can be I walked past her from behind and let my hand graze her tenderly. She whirled around in a rage, and I would have had to duck a punch if she hadn't realized it was me.
She thought it was the other man who had left, and said she belonged to me and me only No One had any right to touch her. All stated before her rage had calmed down. .:grin2:

My X: if someone had done that to her it would have fed her ego and she would have blushed and laughed. I learned she would tell me Only If it was someone she found unattractive.


----------



## Broken925

I know what everyone is saying is real and spot on. I woke up this morning and have never felt so alone though.


----------



## BluesPower

Broken925 said:


> I know what everyone is saying is real and spot on. I woke up this morning and have never felt so alone though.


I understand that you feel that way. And that is OK. 

You need to learn to be alone a little bit, you need to learn to exist and be OK with yourself. 

If you can't get past this, for god's sake don't go back with her because you are lonely. 

Be ok with you, love yourself, and the rest will work out...


----------



## bigfoot

Sometimes you will feel alone. You will feel scared. You will feel a lot of stuff. In the end, if it was a deal breaker, it was. 

I have known several folks who were cheated on who went on to divorce. Not a single one regretted the decision. Not one. Known some with young kids and they were terrified of how it would impact them and their relationship. All were fine. Several disclosed, as I did not ask them or others, that they were lonely, scared, sad, or empty for a bit. They had to adjust to life as a single person. All but one remarried, as I can recall right now. All were happy...downright blissful, even the single one.


----------



## [email protected]

Broken, unless I missed it, it doesn't look like you have an attorney. Get one. Did you start your 180? Oh sure, most BS's feel as you are feeling now. It's really common.


----------



## TDSC60

Broken925 said:


> I know what everyone is saying is real and spot on. I woke up this morning and have never felt so alone though.


Betrayal is often compared to the death of a spouse in that the wife you THOUGHT you had is no more. The trust will never come back to what it was before you found out. And if you are honest with yourself, the affair killed some of your love for her. The family will never be the same. The marriage is changed forever. 

You feel lonely because the wife you had is gone. You are grieving that lose and the lose of your marriage. But you will realize that the marriage was over when she started the affair, she just did not tell you.


----------



## turnera

Broken925 said:


> I know what everyone is saying is real and spot on. I woke up this morning and have never felt so alone though.


That's a good thing.

No, really.

Why? Because it's causing you to go through your mind, your feelings, your emotions, your beliefs, your truth. Most of us just put a band-aid on our feelings and carry on...and never really improve or find real solutions. You're in a unique opportunity most of us never achieve: be at a place in your life where you can assess where you've been, where you want to be, where you can go. What things did you want growing up that you gave up on? What interests did you put aside for this marriage? What friends did you let fall out of your life that you can now reconnect with? Is there someplace you wanted to travel to, but didn't? Someplace you wanted to live? A career you thought you couldn't do because you were married? 

You have a big opportunity here to make your life the best one you could have ever wanted. Make good use of that!


----------



## Marc878

Bud feeling alone is a lot better feeling than being **** on.

Do the comparison


----------



## snerg

Broken925 said:


> Yes she has apologized a bunch of times. She said she has made a terrible mistake that she will have to regret the rest of her life. She has not blamed me at all except for saying that I haven't tried to make it work. I'll admit it's hard to put effort into trying on my end.


Have her explain what her mistake was.

All I see is choices to satisfy her selfish needs.

When she blames you for not trying say to her "Your reality is that you made a string of conscious decisions leading to an A with this man. Who are you to talk to me about trying?"


----------



## lostmyreligion

Quote:
Originally Posted by Broken925 View Post
I know what everyone is saying is real and spot on. I woke up this morning and have never felt so alone though.

Qoute:
Originally Posted by Turnera View Post
That's a good thing.

No, really.

Why? Because it's causing you to go through your mind, your feelings, your emotions, your beliefs, your truth. Most of us just put a band-aid on our feelings and carry on...and never really improve or find real solutions. You're in a unique opportunity most of us never achieve: be at a place in your life where you can assess where you've been, where you want to be, where you can go. What things did you want growing up that you gave up on? What interests did you put aside for this marriage? What friends did you let fall out of your life that you can now reconnect with? Is there someplace you wanted to travel to, but didn't? Someplace you wanted to live? A career you thought you couldn't do because you were married? 

You have a big opportunity here to make your life the best one you could have ever wanted. Make good use of that!


Thanks for this T. At the wretched end of a 25 yr marriage I woke up this morning, truly alone for the first time in 55 yrs of life, on a foamy in a 1 bdrm basement apartment I've only just rented. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself until I read your post. It gave me the impetus to open youtube and watch a young Eric Idle, nailed to a cross, whistling and singing "_Always Look on the Bright Side of Life_". I've been counting the positives and grinning ever since.

Seriously good advice Broken :smile2:.


----------



## turnera

That's good to hear, lost. There's a woman here who I believe is around 65 or 70, and she just last year left her husband. We can be and do anything we want to in this amazing world.


----------



## nekonamida

Broken925 said:


> She has not blamed me at all except for saying that I haven't tried to make it work. I'll admit it's hard to put effort into trying on my end.


She may not blame you for the affair but she will blame you for the divorce and that is massively unfair. You did not break the marriage. You didn't drop a nuclear bomb on it. SHE did. If anyone needs to be fixing it, it's her and she barely lifted a finger until you said you were done. The onus wasn't on you to tell her what to do. She has the internet and a wealth of knowledge she could have been utilizing this whole time and she chose not to. And now she's surprised when it's been 8 months, nothings changed, and you understandably are done trying? How selfish.

The feeling of being alone when you're still with your spouse is intense but more importantly, it's *temporary*. After you separate and have some time away from her, that feeling lessens greatly. The feelings of misery that come from dealing with a betrayal with the perpetrator right next to you day in and day out without resolution isn't temporary. It lasts as long as you allow it which you found out the hard way after 8 months.


----------



## OutofRetirement

I apologize in advance if I am dense.



Broken925 said:


> The next day I see the laptop on the table. She said she was applying for jobs back where she was from.


What is the significance of her applying for jobs back where she was from? 



Broken925 said:


> She talked counseling and I reluctantly agreed.


Why would you need to go to counseling? You are fine. She is the one who is messed up. Didn't you go once before and she cheated anyway?

NOTE: I am dense and I have become lazy, so I haven't done much besides glance through your posts up til now. But based on that, you are too nice. And she is not nice. You are at an extreme disadvantage. There probably are more than two options, but two that come easily to my mind is (1) either stop being nice (or at least only be nice to people who reciprocate and despite your wife's fakiness to your face, she is not being nice) or (2) eliminate mean people from your life to the extent that you can (you're stuck with some, but with whom you are friends or lovers or spouses, you do have a choice).

When people who get caught and then cry, it usually isn't because of what they did bothering them, it is because they got caught. They may believe it is the former, but they're so messed up, they are able to rationalize. But just look at the facts - they did what they did, all the terrible things, and they never once cried, as a matter of fact, they were happy as could be. Then they got caught, and they are so, so sad. You are such a genuine guy (and she is so fake), so just think about yourself, use you as a representative example of how a genuine person acts. If you did something terrible, you probably would feel terrible and want to cry just because you did it. Your wife did not feel terrible doing it, when you caught her she didn't even feel bad, and she still continued, only when you caught overwhelming evidence she stopped (if she did then, maybe the other guy had something to do with it ending - usually there is a strong reason for the ending).

I'm sorry this happened to you. Try to ignore your wife's words (which includes crying). I know it has an impact, but try to focus on her actions. Asking YOU to do things for HER cheating is just wrong. Marriage counseling I'm pretty sure is a waste of time.


----------



## Broken925

OutofRetirement said:


> I apologize in advance if I am dense.
> 
> 
> 
> What is the significance of her applying for jobs back where she was from?
> 
> 
> 
> Why would you need to go to counseling? You are fine. She is the one who is messed up. Didn't you go once before and she cheated anyway?
> 
> NOTE: I am dense and I have become lazy, so I haven't done much besides glance through your posts up til now. But based on that, you are too nice. And she is not nice. You are at an extreme disadvantage. There probably are more than two options, but two that come easily to my mind is (1) either stop being nice (or at least only be nice to people who reciprocate and despite your wife's fakiness to your face, she is not being nice) or (2) eliminate mean people from your life to the extent that you can (you're stuck with some, but with whom you are friends or lovers or spouses, you do have a choice).
> 
> When people who get caught and then cry, it usually isn't because of what they did bothering them, it is because they got caught. They may believe it is the former, but they're so messed up, they are able to rationalize. But just look at the facts - they did what they did, all the terrible things, and they never once cried, as a matter of fact, they were happy as could be. Then they got caught, and they are so, so sad. You are such a genuine guy (and she is so fake), so just think about yourself, use you as a representative example of how a genuine person acts. If you did something terrible, you probably would feel terrible and want to cry just because you did it. Your wife did not feel terrible doing it, when you caught her she didn't even feel bad, and she still continued, only when you caught overwhelming evidence she stopped (if she did then, maybe the other guy had something to do with it ending - usually there is a strong reason for the ending).
> 
> I'm sorry this happened to you. Try to ignore your wife's words (which includes crying). I know it has an impact, but try to focus on her actions. Asking YOU to do things for HER cheating is just wrong. Marriage counseling I'm pretty sure is a waste of time.


She would apply for the jobs back home because that's where her support system and family are from. I live in a very small town and my family all lives around here.

I know I've been too nice. I allowed her to come back immediately. I felt like I was good with the decision to stay together. WHY DO I FEEL LIKE IT I'M WRONG??? I feel like this has changed me completely and I don't like the person I have become. I drink almost every night. I feel like I want to be with other people. I am short and sometimes snap at the kids when they aren't behaving. I feel like I've become a bad person.


----------



## BluesPower

Broken925 said:


> I know I've been too nice. I allowed her to come back immediately. I felt like I was good with the decision to stay together. WHY DO I FEEL LIKE IT I'M WRONG??? I feel like this has changed me completely and I don't like the person I have become. I drink almost every night. I feel like I want to be with other people. I am short and sometimes snap at the kids when they aren't behaving. I feel like I've become a bad person.


Well, if you think about it, your username about says it all. 

Do we even know yet if her affair is over? And have you actually decided that you WANT her back, at all?


----------



## turnera

Fill your days with other things to focus on. Now is a great time to be volunteering somewhere; take your kids with you. Help at a food bank or an animal shelter - those dogs love to be walked. It will help you stop focusing on her and help you realize there are other things in life.


----------



## skerzoid

Broken925 said:


> She would apply for the jobs back home because that's where her support system and family are from. I live in a very small town and my family all lives around here.
> 
> I know I've been too nice. I allowed her to come back immediately. I felt like I was good with the decision to stay together. WHY DO I FEEL LIKE IT I'M WRONG??? I feel like this has changed me completely and I don't like the person I have become. I drink almost every night. I feel like I want to be with other people. I am short and sometimes snap at the kids when they aren't behaving. I feel like I've become a bad person.


1. Stop drinking. You talk about not harming your kids and then turn into an alcoholic? 

2. She is thinking of moving back home because you are being indecisive. She doesn't know if you are going to divorce, reconcile, or remain in limbo. She is trying decide what she should do because you won't decide anything.

3. Have you done any of the things that have been suggested to you???

4. Have her served. Then you still have time to make a decision based on her actions. 

5. You talk about how you want to get with other women and then throw a tantrum when she starts to take action? At least someone is making a decision.

6. When somebody tries to goad you into action, then you get angry? This is extremely uncomfortable to watch. Make a decision.


----------



## Broken925

skerzoid said:


> 1. Stop drinking. You talk about not harming your kids and then turn into an alcoholic?
> 
> 2. She is thinking of moving back home because you are being indecisive. She doesn't know if you are going to divorce, reconcile, or remain in limbo. She is trying decide what she should do because you won't decide anything.
> 
> 3. Have you done any of the things that have been suggested to you???
> 
> 4. Have her served. Then you still have time to make a decision based on her actions.
> 
> 5. You talk about how you want to get with other women and then throw a tantrum when she starts to take action? At least someone is making a decision.
> 
> 6. When somebody tries to goad you into action, then you get angry? This is extremely uncomfortable to watch. Make a decision.



I don't drink when they are around.

Everything besides having her served. Not sure what good that will do. She already knows I'm thinking of leaving.

I'm not sure what tantrum you say I'm throwing about her taking action.


----------



## sunsetmist

Don't drink period. It only masks the symptoms. 

You are stuck and can't make a decision. Leaving actually takes a lot more energy and courage than staying, and you aren't sure you have that much energy and courage.

Picture yourself in 5 years--honestly. Then do what you need to do to be there.


----------



## mickybill

I admit that I skimmed over the posts but in a short time she's flipped it around that after her affair seriously wrecked the marriage and your reaction (not working hard enough to get over her cheating) to it, she is ready to pack up and go to her home town? 
Is she suggesting you all move to her town or is she mapping out her next chapter. I have heard of couple moving together to get a restart in a new place, but that was after therapy and a decision to stay together.

To me it sounds like she's immediately hit the eject button. Was this her exit affair?


----------



## Broken925

mickybill said:


> I admit that I skimmed over the posts but in a short time she's flipped it around that after her affair seriously wrecked the marriage and your reaction (not working hard enough to get over her cheating) to it, she is ready to pack up and go to her home town?
> Is she suggesting you all move to her town or is she mapping out her next chapter. I have heard of couple moving together to get a restart in a new place, but that was after therapy and a decision to stay together.
> 
> To me it sounds like she's immediately hit the eject button. Was this her exit affair?


No she said she would need to move because there wouldn't be anything here for her. She is begging to stay and work this out. Go to counseling.


----------



## Kamstel

Tell her that you think it is a fantastic idea FOR HER to go to counseling. 

She needs to figure out why she would wake up one morning next to a loving husband, someone that would do anything for her and the kids, but still decide to spread her legs for another man.

She also needs to realize, hopefully through counseling, that she is not the center of the universe. She needs to come to grips with the fact that she has devastated you (and the kids), and that your healing and the kids need to come first!!


----------



## sokillme

Through this whole thing you have been passive and you even admit that. You better stop that now or depending on the age of your kids you are going to find them gone with her wherever she is going back too wherever it is she is from. It's a lot harder to get your kids to move back after they have left. 

You wife has show over and over she is going to do what she wants, your feelings really don't matter, I'm sure your kids don't either. If and when she wants to move back without a court order she is going to and if your kids are young enough she will take them without any qualms. 

If what you wrote really is and accurate reflection of her apology, not sure since it is second hand, but from the history I would suspect it is. "I have to live with my mistake for the rest of my life." Ignoring the fact that she calls it a mistake, her concern about it is the pain it causes her not you. 

I don't think you really get who you are married to. I suggest you think about it because you have yet to see the worst from her. 

See a lawyer today, know your rights today. Stop wallowing and protect your kids.


----------



## Broken925

sokillme said:


> Through this whole thing you have been passive and you even admit that. You better stop that now or depending on the age of your kids you are going to find them gone with her wherever she is going back too wherever it is she is from. It's a lot harder to get your kids to move back after they have left.
> 
> You wife has show over and over she is going to do what she wants, your feelings really don't matter, I'm sure your kids don't either. If and when she wants to move back without a court order she is going to and if your kids are young enough she will take them without any qualms.
> 
> If what you wrote really is and accurate reflection of her apology, not sure since it is second hand, but from the history I would suspect it is. "I have to live with my mistake for the rest of my life." Ignoring the fact that she calls it a mistake, her concern about it is the pain it causes her not you.
> 
> I don't think you really get who you are married to. I suggest you think about it because you have yet to see the worst from her.
> 
> See a lawyer today, know your rights today. Stop wallowing and protect your kids.


She also says she knows in her heart that she would never put me through this again.


----------



## sokillme

Broken925 said:


> She also says she knows in her heart that she would never put me through this again.


She has a heart?

Protect yourself and your kids.


----------



## cp3o

Broken925 said:


> She also says she knows in her heart that she would never put me through this again.


My XW, unbidden, wrote that she would never again allow herself to be in an "interesting" situation with a man.

Maybe it wasn't "interesting", maybe it wasn't "a" man, maybe she just changed her mind - but 27 months later she gave me an STI.


----------



## Nucking Futs

Broken925 said:


> She also says she knows in her heart that she would never put me through this again.


Lol. I've got a real good deal for you if you're ever in need of a bridge. Current location is Brooklyn but you can move it if needed.


----------



## GusPolinski

Broken925 said:


> She also says she knows in her heart that she would never put me through this again.


Did she also take your face in her hands and tell you that you could trust her?


----------



## colingrant

"She also says she knows in her heart that she would never put me through this again".

My take on this is that you are influenced by her declaration. If so, you are not moving forward authentically. It's optional to be hopeful, but essential to be real. It's okay to reconcile with her. It's not okay for you to reconcile with her because you believe she said that in her heart, she would never put you through this again. Her infidelity was real. A repeat infidelity is a real possibility. It may be unlikely, or it may be likely. Nevertheless, it is a real possibility. That's a fact. The great majority of WS say they can't believe what they have done. A great majority of BS say they never thought in a million years that their husband or wife would cheat on them. 

Your wife's statement flies in the face of WS and BS who still cannot fathom being cheated upon or cheating. Stuff happens. If you reconcile, at least say to YOURSELF, she may commit infidelity once again. Don't hide behind her words that are intended to comfort you. Live in the real world that understands human nature, weakness and brokenness. Her words are in the moment and out of desperation. She believes them and I believe that she believes them. You owe it to yourself however to being accountable to you and your family and this happens by simply not being able to control or believe anything that you can't control. 

She wants you to believe her as she knows you can't move forward with confidence until some semblance of trust is present. It may be regained in time, but right now it's just words and I advise you to disregard anything that comes out of her mouth.


----------



## barbados

Broken925 said:


> She also says she knows in her heart that she would never put me through this again.


Right up until she puts you through this again


----------



## bigfoot

Right up there with love, honor, cherish and forsake all others. Dude, we get it. Everyone has to do their respective dance, dither, and dodge in this situation.

The ride you are on, the infidelity rollercoaster, is never the same and yet it is always the same. As soon as you figure this out the sooner you will be able to operate reasonably. Until then, well...."but she just said she loves me and us and....".


----------



## Broken925

It's been a year. I'm ready to get off the pot. I still feel like I'm abandoning my girls though.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Broken925 said:


> It's been a year. I'm ready to get off the pot. I still feel like I'm abandoning my girls though.


BS...she abandoned them and you when she cheated...stop thinking that way. and Sober up, drinking is not going to endear yourself to your girls. They want a dad they can lean on and look up too, and demonstrate what a real man is. Your wife failed this marriage, you and them...don't you do that to your daughters. File, server her, and then move on with being the best father you can be for your girls.


----------



## TDSC60

Broken925 said:


> It's been a year. I'm ready to get off the pot. I still feel like I'm abandoning my girls though.


It is not that uncommon to feel bad for the kids when a marriage ends. But kids are resilient and tend to adapt well to different situations. The bottom line is that kids do much better in a home where parents are not forced to stay and be unhappy with a fake marriage.

Talk to your lawyer about custody and how it usually works in your area.

I think if you stayed married, given the way she has lied and manipulated you in the past, you would be forever playing detective and waiting for the next time she decided to choose another man over your family and the marriage.


----------



## colingrant

colingrant said:


> "She also says she knows in her heart that she would never put me through this again".
> 
> My take on this is that you are influenced by her declaration. If so, you are not moving forward authentically. It's optional to be hopeful, but essential to be real. It's okay to reconcile with her. It's not okay for you to reconcile with her because you believe she said that in her heart, she would never put you through this again. Her infidelity was real. A repeat infidelity is a real possibility. It may be unlikely, or it may be likely. Nevertheless, it is a real possibility. That's a fact. The great majority of WS say they can't believe what they have done. A great majority of BS say they never thought in a million years that their husband or wife would cheat on them.
> 
> Your wife's statement flies in the face of WS and BS who still cannot fathom being cheated upon or cheating. Stuff happens. If you reconcile, at least say to YOURSELF, she may commit infidelity once again. Don't hide behind her words that are intended to comfort you. Live in the real world that understands human nature, weakness and brokenness. Her words are in the moment and out of desperation. She believes them and I believe that she believes them. You owe it to yourself however to being accountable to you and your family and this happens by simply not being able to control or believe anything that you can't control.
> 
> She wants you to believe her as she knows you can't move forward with confidence until some semblance of trust is present. It may be regained in time, but right now it's just words and I advise you to disregard anything that comes out of her mouth.



It's no ironic that I found a betrayal on another site that speaks directly to my quoted post above. Here's the key statements of a ww.

-----------------------------------------------


"I recently confessed to my husband of 8 years that I had an affair when we were in a committed relationship 12 years ago. I am seeking advice regarding specific things I can do to help my BS heal from the revelation of my affair and subsequent betrayals of his trust. The longer story follows.

12 years ago, my BS received a suspicious text message that led him to believe I had been unfaithful. I lacked the courage to own what I did and feared the truth of what I had done would end our relationship. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing my soulmate, the person with whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life, so I lied and told my BS that I had kissed my AP. I immediately ended the affair and *told myself I would never **** up the second chance that I stole from my BS. Until a few weeks ago, I believed that I had held up this promise to myself and never betrayed him again because I have not had sexual contact with another man since.* 

*But I didn’t. I put myself in 3 different situations in the next couple of years after the affair where I knew another man was interested in me,* and I led them on by spending time with them, flirting with them, drinking with them. I told myself it wasn’t wrong because I never crossed a physical boundary. *I was thinking only of myself and not about how my actions would hurt my BS"*

-----------------------------------------------

This is not an unusual situation. This WW was also convinced of never compromising boundaries and would never take a chance of losing the man she loves so dearly and soulmate. But, here she is...... I'm not predicting your wife's future behavior, but only stating the fact that neither can she. Should you believe her, you are simply gas lighting and betraying yourself in sense. Only believe in you, but not so much that you can think you or anyone is able to defy instincts that only human beings hold. Your wife is human. It can happen. Reconcile on this premise, not that it would never happen. That's irresponsible. Again, it's okay to be hopeful. It's okay to regain trust. However, neither will disable infidelity from happening again. If you can live with this reality, you'll proceed forward with an authentic mindset.


----------



## SunCMars

With new guys come new adventures.
Come new praise.
Come new heat.
Come new hands.
Come new peens.

Come, new coming.

With new guys, I come, they come.

Coming, going, I never thought, never thought this would arrive, that this feeling would show up again.

New beginnings, new men seem to arrive, they coming, me too.

Oh, Dear me.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

GusPolinski said:


> Did she also take your face in her hands and tell you that you could trust her?


And swear on the lives of your children?


----------



## Noble1

Sorry to hear about your situation.

You might want to see a lawyer (sorry, didn't see mention of you talking to one) about the possibility of keeping the kids in your geographical area until they are much older or age of majority.

You can most definitely be a great parent to your kids while being single and/or divorced from your 'wife'.

So far you wife does not seem to be pulling her weight in making the marriage work. (I did skim some parts as I could not read more of what was happening to you).

As for your feelings about being alone and hurt, know that it will hurt for awhile maybe even a "long time" but you will get some closure and it will get better.

Keep your mind on the best that you deserve and work towards that goal for yourself and kids - not for your wife directly.

Unless your wife proves to you day after day - and year after year if it gets that far, you would most likely be better off moving on with your life.

Everyone has great suggestions and while no one really understands your specific situation, there are many people here who have gone through what you are going through and can offer advice based on what happened to them.

Good luck.


----------



## Broken925

Update. Have told her I wanted a divorce multiple times. She won't accept it. She keeps saying we can get back to the way we were. She cries all day and I feel terrible. She keeps wanting to go to counseling. I think what is the point? She just keeps smothering me with I love you's and I can't be without you constantly. I don't know what to do. I think she might do something stupid if I just leave.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Broken925 said:


> Update. Have told her I wanted a divorce multiple times. She won't accept it. She keeps saying we can get back to the way we were. She cries all day and I feel terrible. She keeps wanting to go to counseling. I think what is the point? She just keeps smothering me with I love you's and I can't be without you constantly. I don't know what to do. I think she might do something stupid if I just leave.


Who gives a shtt what she wants?? You know she is full of crap and lying, she doesn't love you. You need to leave if she wont, and if she does something stupid, well that's on her, she is a grown adult and responsible for herself! You don't need her permission to divorce her! Grow some balls man and take control of your life! Why are you letting her control you like this?? ACTIONS sir, not words... GO FILE FOR DIVORCE!


----------



## Openminded

Broken925 said:


> Update. Have told her I wanted a divorce multiple times. She won't accept it. She keeps saying we can get back to the way we were. She cries all day and I feel terrible. She keeps wanting to go to counseling. I think what is the point? She just keeps smothering me with I love you's and I can't be without you constantly. I don't know what to do. I think she might do something stupid if I just leave.


I think you will allow her to manipulate you into staying -- because she has before -- so you need to have a plan of how to get through the rest of your life in this marriage.


----------



## Decorum

Broken925 said:


> She won't accept it.


You do not need her agreement to divorce her.

Have your lawyer file, and let him shepherd it through the process.


----------



## turnera

Broken925 said:


> Update. Have told her I wanted a divorce multiple times. She won't accept it. She keeps saying we can get back to the way we were. She cries all day and I feel terrible. She keeps wanting to go to counseling. I think what is the point? She just keeps smothering me with I love you's and I can't be without you constantly. I don't know what to do. I think she might do something stupid if I just leave.


Tell her that for you to even consider staying, she will have to be in weekly therapy first. And meanwhile move forward with your steps. You can always call it off if something major changes.


----------



## it-guy

She dosnt want to divorce because she wants to stay married and have all of those benefits......while cheating on you.

I was RIGHT there where you are. And I was passive and worried about hurting other peoples feelings JUST LIKE YOU. And I got jerked around and wasted a few years. Guess what was happening while I was trying my best to reconcile???? Yep, she was just cheating on me with someone new. I mean, she seemed to be doing everything right. She was doing her best as far as I could tell. 

Just leave now. 
Don't worry about your kids because they will be fine. 
Don't worry about if you will be happier or not because you will be.
Don't worry about money because you will recover.
Don's worry about your family because they are family.
Don't worry about friends because if there really are friends they will remain so.
And.... Don't worry about your wife. She is not worried about you. And believe me she will continue to make herself happy. How she does it will no longer be your problem.


----------



## TRy

Broken925 said:


> I think she might do something stupid if I just leave.


 You have 2 options:
1) She could "do something stupid" if you leave.
2) You could "do something stupid" and stay.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

HTML:







TRy said:


> You have 2 options:
> 1) She could "do something stupid" if you leave.
> 2) You could "do something stupid" and stay.


And neither one is your responsibility, or your fault!

ETA- oops I cant read!


----------



## oldshirt

Broken925 said:


> Update. Have told her I wanted a divorce multiple times. She won't accept it. She keeps saying we can get back to the way we were. She cries all day and I feel terrible. She keeps wanting to go to counseling. I think what is the point? She just keeps smothering me with I love you's and I can't be without you constantly. I don't know what to do. I think she might do something stupid if I just leave.


You don't need her acceptance, blessing or consent to divorce. You just fill out the paperwork, pay the fees and go through the process. It is an offer she can't refuse. 

It's also fine for her to go to counseling, it would be good for her.

There's no need for you to go with since you weren't the one that cheated and have perfectly valid rational for dissolving the marriage and moving on with your own life.

And as far as her doing something stupid - she's been doing that all along. She did something stupid when she cheated. She's been doing stupid stuff in manipulating you into staying with her despite losing all love, trust and respect for her.

There's no reason for you to do stupid in staying. 

You've already wasted one year of your life, I don't know if anything else would be any more stupid than you wasting any more time in that situation.


----------



## oldshirt

And here's something else to sink in -

You are just setting yourself up for failure by doing all this threatening to leave.

You threaten to leave, she cries and begs and promises the moon, maybe sucks your **** and then you keep on keep'n on with the status quo. This is your new normal that you have voluntarily settled into.

You don't have to tell her you want to divorce. That's just putting it on her and continuing to leave the decision making to her (the same decision making where she decided to screw other guys and have you pay the bills.)

Here's a news flash - if you want to divorce, get a lawyer, fill out the paperwork, turn it in, pack up your stuff and move and be divorced.

No discussion or consent from her is necessary.


----------



## BluesPower

oldshirt said:


> This is what @BluesPower is talking about when he talks about weakness.
> 
> Strength is making a decision for your well being and then taking definitive action to accomplish it.
> 
> Weakness is whining about it and expecting someone to take the ball and run with it so you don't have to do any of the lifting or any of the work.
> 
> You left the decision making and the action-taking to her while you sat on your hands and did nothing.
> 
> The result of that was her lying and manipulating and screwing other guys while you sat home and whined in your beer.
> 
> If you want a divorce and start a new life, then divorce and start a new life.
> 
> If you're gonna be a cuckold then arrainge your schedule so that you watch the kids for her on Tuesday nights and Sunday afternoons so she and I can hook up because I'd like to score some for myself since you don't seem to mind.
> 
> Lead, follow or get out if the way.


God @oldshirt, leave me out of it. I am trying to lay low, these days. 

Hopefully he will wake up at some point...


----------



## oldshirt

BluesPower said:


> God @oldshirt, leave me out of it. I am trying to lay low, these days.
> 
> Hopefully he will wake up at some point...


You can lay low but your conscience and legacy must live on!!


----------



## Taxman

Broken, unfortunately, she does not realize that her actions killed every last vestige of love and affection for her. Explain this carefully. Explain that you cannot have your girls see a weak man staying just for their sake. They will know that you will end up resenting this situation. Better to cut bait. 

The most successful breaks are initiated by the party who wishes to leave. The situation should be outlined to the greatest degree possible, as in logistics and timelines. Set a date for one of you to move, then execute the plan. If she is going back to her hometown, there will need to be a visitation and custody plan in place. You will need to outline finances and every practicality. Let her know in no uncertain terms that this is the end of the marriage, she knows full well that this is all her fault, but she has yet to deal with a consequence. You need to get gone. That is the only way that you will heal from all of this. If this is detrimental to your exWW, so be it. She destroyed the marriage, and she now will pay the price. I know it sounds like you are dealing her a sentence, but you have to.

The sentence is for the crime of betraying you. I explain this in grave detail to clients that are on the receiving end. And I have had their opposite, sitting in my office, saying that it feels like they are going to jail. I explain that the act of betrayal, even if it was "just" sex, or if it was an emotional affair, is a crime committed on your spouse. Crime has consequences. 

Broken925, explain this calmly, with a plan in place. Tell her that if she does not want to separate, then you shall move out, and serve her with papers as soon as humanly possible. This is what you need to restart your life.


----------



## DjDjani

Hi,how about this: Tell her that you are demoting her to your girlfriend. That you are going to divorce her and she need to give you the house and custody of the kids. And then you will date her. If she ever cheats again,you can freely kick her to the kurb and be done with her. Tell her this and then you will see if she realy loves you and is she realy willing to do everything for you. I can bet that she will not do this. Do you know why? Becouse she doesnt really love you. Or respect you. She only wants to stay in marriage for kids and stability and status. She wont chear for some time and then she will do it again,and history will repeat it self. Sorry you are in this situation man.


----------



## Kamstel

She now wants to go to counseling, but when you were begging her to go, she didn’t want to 


Have you talked to a lawyer yet?


----------



## Kamstel

DJ nails it again!!!


----------



## BarbedFenceRider

Yup, DJ just nailed her hypergamy down pat! And As for Blues... I am forever grateful for the 2x4 to my noggin when everything else was upside down. Helped wire my butt and head and got it straight. After it all settles, you realize that YOU need to be thinking what YOU need and what YOU want. Not her. Self love must come first before you can even hope to love someone else. The cool thing with Dj's plan is that is forces her out into the light of day. You will see her as she doesn't want to be seen. As looking at you for a beta, provider and 2nd. fiddle guy. Not love of her life, and owner of her heart.


----------



## Yeswecan

Broken925 said:


> Update. Have told her I wanted a divorce multiple times. She won't accept it. She keeps saying we can get back to the way we were. She cries all day and I feel terrible. She keeps wanting to go to counseling. I think what is the point? She just keeps smothering me with I love you's and I can't be without you constantly. I don't know what to do. I think she might do something stupid if I just leave.


Do not threaten and then not do it. Have the D papers drawn up. Getting back to the way you were means having OM on the side in cheater speak. Further, if you WW does stupid if you leave it is not your doing.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

Broken925 said:


> Update. Have told her I wanted a divorce multiple times. She won't accept it. She keeps saying we can get back to the way we were. She cries all day and I feel terrible. She keeps wanting to go to counseling. I think what is the point? She just keeps smothering me with I love you's and I can't be without you constantly. I don't know what to do. I think she might do something stupid if I just leave.


I see you've come up with all kinds of excuses to do *absolutely nothing* - like you've been doing for far too long.

How's that been workin' for ya?


----------



## MattMatt

Broken925 said:


> Update. Have told her I wanted a divorce multiple times. She won't accept it. She keeps saying we can get back to the way we were. She cries all day and I feel terrible. She keeps wanting to go to counseling. I think what is the point? She just keeps smothering me with I love you's and I can't be without you constantly. I don't know what to do. I think she might do something stupid if I just leave.


She won't accept that she has broken you, the marriage and the family?

Well, that's too damn bad. What a pity.

Do you think she might be mentally unstable enough to self harm or to hurt your children? Then you must take action.

See the Doctor and this site might be of help https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

And see a lawyer and warn them she might be mentally unstable.


----------



## Taxman

If she is mentally unstable, have a physician see her. If she needs a 48hr psychiatric hold, then so be it. You cannot be her father, husband, best friend and total support system, when she has lost the privilege. She lost the privilege when she spread her legs for another man. I have had that declaration in my office. I have heard, 1) You are the one I want. 2) It was meaningless. 3) It was just for fun. 4) I was tricked etc. etc. etc. ad infinitum ad nauseum. In every circumstance, I have armed my client with responses. The bottom line one, that I have seen garner the greatest reaction is: It does not matter why you did this, you did it. Sorry, but deal breaker time, I will not ever be married to someone who could do this. Please just do the right thing. You have killed the marriage, and I want to find happiness elsewhere.

Subsequent to that speech, I have had a number of waywards walk away, and unfortunately, one that attempted suicide. The suicide attempt was a childish shot at causing pity from the ex. He sent a get well soon card, as well as an inscription noting that he knew she had no intention of killing herself, and if she did, she would save him a ton of money.


----------



## GusPolinski

Broken925 said:


> Update. Have told her I wanted a divorce multiple times. She won't accept it. She keeps saying we can get back to the way we were. She cries all day and I feel terrible. She keeps wanting to go to counseling. I think what is the point? She just keeps smothering me with I love you's and I can't be without you constantly. I don't know what to do. I think she might do something stupid if I just leave.


So don’t leave.

Tell HER to leave.


----------



## Decorum

A lot of women do not want to be a divorced cheater. They will do almost anything to keep some semblance of respectability, even play happy wife (at lease for a while), when they really want to be a hot wife.


----------



## Broken925

I finally have had enough. I've asked for space (which I never got). She wrote a long text about how this is driving her crazy, that we can still make this work, she wants to go back to normal, she wants to fight for me, blah blah blah. 

I replied by stating that I am no longer in love with her and I was sorry for that. That I look forward to the nights she has to work late or when she leaves for the weekend. That I want to move on. That she is holding on to me for her and does not care about my happiness. 

She has since been looking at houses in the area.

I don't have the same feelings for her. I hate the idea of divorce but I believe it's what I need.


----------



## BluesPower

Broken925 said:


> I finally have had enough. I've asked for space (which I never got). She wrote a long text about how this is driving her crazy, that we can still make this work, she wants to go back to normal, she wants to fight for me, blah blah blah.
> 
> I replied by stating that I am no longer in love with her and I was sorry for that. That I look forward to the nights she has to work late or when she leaves for the weekend. That I want to move on. That she is holding on to me for her and does not care about my happiness.
> 
> She has since been looking at houses in the area.
> 
> I don't have the same feelings for her. I hate the idea of divorce but I believe it's what I need.


Well, thank god. Why oh why did it take you so long? 

I really would like to understand, not that I have not done the same in my life, but I would like to know your reasons?


----------



## StillSearching

BluesPower said:


> Well, thank god. Why oh why did it take you so long?
> 
> I really would like to understand, not that I have not done the same in my life, but I would like to know your reasons?


Because Hell's a bad place to inhabit.


----------



## Broken925

BluesPower said:


> Well, thank god. Why oh why did it take you so long?
> 
> I really would like to understand, not that I have not done the same in my life, but I would like to know your reasons?


I guess it's hard to let that part of my life go. Someone I've been with for a total of 15 years. Almost half my life. Also, fear of the unknown and how it's going to affect the kids.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Broken925 said:


> I guess it's hard to let that part of my life go. Someone I've been with for a total of 15 years. Almost half my life. Also, fear of the unknown and how it's going to affect the kids.


Yes, it IS hard to let go, I get it. But you are doing the right thing for you. Your kids will look to you for guidance through this, if you keep your head and be positive, then they should follow your lead.


----------



## Lostinthought61

broken,

sadly she thought that she could have her cake and you would just fall in line and take what ever leftovers she gave you...but she was not expecting that you stand up to her...now she will regret all her actions when its too late...you might want to remind her to be more careful in her next relationship. you are no one's plan b. stay strong brother


----------



## GusPolinski

Broken925 said:


> I finally have had enough. I've asked for space (which I never got). She wrote a long text about how this is driving her crazy, that we can still make this work, she wants to go back to normal, she wants to fight for me, blah blah blah.
> 
> I replied by stating that I am no longer in love with her and I was sorry for that. That I look forward to the nights she has to work late or when she leaves for the weekend. That I want to move on. That she is holding on to me for her and does not care about my happiness.
> 
> She has since been looking at houses in the area.
> 
> I don't have the same feelings for her. I hate the idea of divorce but I believe it's what I need.


Wife gets caught in an affair with a co-worker and spends months begging to “just work it out” and “wants to go back to the way we were before”, and yet she’s still “working late” and “going away for the weekend”.

You been getting played, bud.

Glad you’re finally waking up.


----------



## BluesPower

Broken925 said:


> I guess it's hard to let that part of my life go. Someone I've been with for a total of 15 years. Almost half my life. Also, fear of the unknown and how it's going to affect the kids.


I know that is seems scary, but really it is fear of the unknown. 

But man, you are around 30 YO, you are just starting to live, the kids will be fine. 

This, with her, is no way to live, and it never will be.

I know you cannot understand this, but think about doing this in another 15 years, that would be more than half your life. I have been there. 

Trust me, you will be better off in the long run...


----------



## GoldenR

Brother, you've just taken the best first step ever. 

I was 37 when I got rid of my cheating wife. I thought to myself, "I'm old and have 2 kids, who's going to want to date me?".

Answer: soooooo many wanted to. 

And even if no one did, just the relief of not having to look at her made things soooooo much better. 

You will be fine.


----------



## sokillme

Broken925 said:


> I finally have had enough. I've asked for space (which I never got). She wrote a long text about how this is driving her crazy, that we can still make this work, she wants to go back to normal, she wants to fight for me, blah blah blah.
> 
> I replied by stating that I am no longer in love with her and I was sorry for that. That I look forward to the nights she has to work late or when she leaves for the weekend. That I want to move on. That she is holding on to me for her and does not care about my happiness.
> 
> She has since been looking at houses in the area.
> 
> I don't have the same feelings for her. I hate the idea of divorce but I believe it's what I need.


Alleluia!

Your kids will be fine. It will be hard at first but the most important thing is not that you live together but that you are both active in their life and love them. Also make sure they know why (in an age appropriated way) you are divorcing. I say this because your wife may use this as a way to build resentment in your kids. "Your Mom wanted to love me and another man and I could not live like that, and you shouldn't either when you grow up." This can only be healthy for them. 

Stick to it. If you are waffling to read some adultery blogs where the cheaters post about how great their affairs are then remind yourself that this is who you were married to. That will cut the romanticism about her real quick. 

Your wife was a jerk. You WILL do better.

One thing though you should still work on your picker and your tendency to want to white knight. You need to treat your next relationship like she is an adult. Meaning it's not your job to help her be a good person. You are always a catch that THEY need to live up to, just as you know you need to live up to them. 

Make sure you work on this or you will end up with the same type of women.


----------



## Taxman

She belongs to that great subset of cheaters who discover at the end of the day they destroyed their spouse, and are clutching at the corpse of a marriage and love that they destroyed. If you suspect she will do something bad, have someone stay with her when you leave. Draw the papers, set the date, pack your stuff and leave. This will sink in when you are off in a new life, hopefully healed and onto new people. SHe thinks she can go back in time. She will have to live with what she has done.


----------



## Broken925

Taxman said:


> She belongs to that great subset of cheaters who discover at the end of the day they destroyed their spouse, and are clutching at the corpse of a marriage and love that they destroyed. If you suspect she will do something bad, have someone stay with her when you leave. Draw the papers, set the date, pack your stuff and leave. This will sink in when you are off in a new life, hopefully healed and onto new people. SHe thinks she can go back in time. She will have to live with what she has done.


I feel like I'm already off to a new life. I thought she had finally come to terms with this but I was wrong. She text me how much she misses me and misses us. I just told her that i'm sorry. Then I get a long sob story about how in love we were. I can't take this anymore. I feel bad for my kids.


----------



## Decorum

Fantasy is her reality, her affair was fantasy, even though she damaged everything she touched with it.

Don't be surprised if she makes a fantasy out of her memories, and is surprised you dont want to share in them. 

It is after all, all about her.

When Romanian leader Nicolae Ceaușescu, and his wife, Elena were executed for genocide, they were shocked, shocked that the people they were abusing didn't love them.


----------



## jlg07

Broken925 said:


> I feel like I'm already off to a new life. I thought she had finally come to terms with this but I was wrong. She text me how much she misses me and misses us.You should have told her MAYBE you should have thought of that while you were out ****ing all those guys, cheating ME and your kids I just told her that i'm sorry. You shouldn't have said you were sorry -- its not YOUR FAULT that all this is happening. How many times does she expect you to give her? She HAD her chance and blew it. Then I get a long sob story about how in love we were. Yup, tell her you WERE! And you know why I'm not NOW? BECAUSE you are a serial cheater who is no longer worth my time.I can't take this anymore. I feel bad for my kids.


I feel bad for you and your kids also. Have you explained to THEM (i don't remember their ages) what she did and why this is happening? PLEASE do not try to hide or lie to your children.


----------



## GusPolinski

Broken925 said:


> I feel like I'm already off to a new life. I thought she had finally come to terms with this but I was wrong. She text me how much she misses me and misses us. *I just told her that i'm sorry.* Then I get a long sob story about how in love we were. I can't take this anymore. I feel bad for my kids.


Stop doing that.

Given your situation, there are a grand total of two acceptable responses to “I miss you”...

1) No response at all.

2) “You’ll get over it.”


----------



## turnera

You can't take it anymore cos you won't stop contact with her. Hold your hand out so I can slap it.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Broken925 said:


> I feel like I'm already off to a new life. I thought she had finally come to terms with this but I was wrong. She text me how much she misses me and misses us. I just told her that i'm sorry. Then I get a long sob story about how in love we were. I can't take this anymore. I feel bad for my kids.


Your reply should be.."yes i thought we were still in love as well, but apparently it was either not enough for you or i was not enough for you"


----------



## TDSC60

Broken925 said:


> I feel like I'm already off to a new life. I thought she had finally come to terms with this but I was wrong. She text me how much she misses me and misses us. I just told her that i'm sorry. * Then I get a long sob story about how in love we were.* I can't take this anymore. I feel bad for my kids.


A wife who is in love with her husband does not drop her panties for another man. 

A wife who respects her husband and their marriage does not throw the marriage away in favor of sex with another man.

What you had looks pretty good to her now that she has trashed it. She is afraid to face the reality of what she has done. She should have thought of that before she left the marriage to chase her new love.


----------



## TDSC60

GusPolinski said:


> Wife gets caught in an affair with a co-worker and spends months begging to *“just work it out”* and *“wants to go back to the way we were before”*, and yet she’s still “working late” and “going away for the weekend”.
> 
> You been getting played, bud.
> 
> Glad you’re finally waking up.


"Just work it out" means he should just forget about the way she has treated him and be happy to have a cheating wife choose him.

Where he was before was her having an affair while he was being lied to and in the dark about what was happening. She was getting her ego stroked and giving OM sex to keep it going while her clueless husband was putting money in the bank and babysitting, thus enabling her behavior. Why wouldn't she want to go back to that.

It appears that she rung the bell that signals the end of the marriage. The one that can not be unrung, forgiven, forgotten, nor overlooked.


----------



## Openminded

She's not going to stop trying to convince you to stay. 

Ignore her texts.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Openminded said:


> She's not going to stop trying to convince you to stay.
> 
> Ignore her texts.


Better yet, block them.


----------



## Broken925

turnera said:


> You can't take it anymore cos you won't stop contact with her. Hold your hand out so I can slap it.


I'll always have to be in contact with her. My 4 and 6 year old daughters need us on the same page


----------



## turnera

You can do that via an online calendar.


----------



## Violet28

Don't let her remove the kids from the home into her new home without a custody agreement in place.


----------



## aine

Broken925 said:


> I feel like I'm already off to a new life. I thought she had finally come to terms with this but I was wrong. She text me how much she misses me and misses us. I just told her that i'm sorry. Then I get a long sob story about how in love we were. I can't take this anymore. I feel bad for my kids.


Omg, don’t let her manipulate you into being her crappy seconds. Divorce her, kick her out, tell her she made her choice, now she can live with it. You are obviously not in any position to stay in this marriage. She CHOSE to cheat. Now you CHOOSE to put YOU first. 
She is manipulating you and you are being a big big sucker. Time to go scorched earth and play hardball. Where’s your dignity and self respect?


----------



## dubsey

When she tries to remind you how in love you were, ask her to go re-read all her vile texts to the other guy and remind her that's not the kind of love you wish to revisit.

Seriously, she needs to go read them again to understand where your brain is at.


----------



## Uriel

New Guy...man I feel you. You are punch drunk (boxer that won't go down till it's to late, death). Death is certain...it's our lifes were not sure of. Gosh really wish you the best, but I see the haunting causing you health problems down the road "High Blood P", and many more...slow killers indeed and maybe a while off yet. Life is so short.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

Oh, she was in love with you? Really?

Remind her of the time that she cradled your face in her hands, looked you in the eye and said "You can trust me." Then she went off to have sex with another man. Maybe all the previous stuff would have been forgivable at some point. Her actions this day were not, and never will be. This is the thing just makes me want to puke.


----------



## GusPolinski

Tatsuhiko said:


> Oh, she was in love with you? Really?
> 
> Remind her of the time that she cradled your face in her hands, looked you in the eye and said "You can trust me." Then she went off to have sex with another man. Maybe all the previous stuff would have been forgivable at some point. Her actions this day were not, and never will be. This is the thing just makes me want to puke.


She was throwing ILYs OM’s way too, right?

So which do you believe, OP?

The ones not offered out of desperation.


----------



## Marc878

Broken925 said:


> I'll always have to be in contact with her. My 4 and 6 year old daughters need us on the same page


Nope, I see this a lot but I know 3 who limit contact. 2 of the 3 have young children.

No direct phone calls, communication by text or email only. Anything not kid or business related gets ignored. Pickups/drop offs are limited to 3 minutes with zero engagement. All holidays, birthdays are kept separate.

It maybe awkward up front but how awkward is her affair? It will normalize over time.

You stay in contact you will give her control. Later you will find that no other woman is going to want an X in the mix in any way. 

Better wake up


----------



## Marc878

Broken925 said:


> I feel like I'm already off to a new life. I thought she had finally come to terms with this but I was wrong. *She text me how much she misses me and misses us. I just told her that i'm sorry. Then I get a long sob story about how in love we were.* I can't take this anymore. I feel bad for my kids.


Were is the key word. Past tense. Infidelity is a life long gift especially when they go back for seconds.

Bull**** translator: I wanted OM so bad you never mattered until you took my cake away.

Please feed me more cake. I really liked it 

You are the only one that can keep you where you are. Cut her off and move on. Your kids will be better off if their dad is happier. Let her figure out her end


----------



## Broken925

Update:

Divorce papers are signed and she has taken a new job back to her hometown to be with her family. We have decided the kids should be with her. They will move to a different school and whatever home she picks. She has agreed to no child support through the courts and will not touch my 401k or mutual funds or savings accounts. (although I will be paying her monthly to support my kids.) I will have them every other weekend and for weeks at a time throughout summer and whenever they have a break or vacation from school.

Although I'd love to still seem them almost everyday, I feel this is best for them. I cannot raise them alone. They are excited for the move for now.

Thanks everyone for your help through this.


----------



## Lostinthought61

please stay in touch from time to time, and tell us how you are doing moving your life forward. how far are you from the kids?


----------



## Broken925

Lostinthought61 said:


> please stay in touch from time to time, and tell us how you are doing moving your life forward. how far are you from the kids?


I will be three hours away. She has said she will drive them or meet closer to me. Sunday night and next week are going to be tough.


----------



## wmn1

turnera said:


> My ex-SIL got breast cancer, my brother took her through it every step of the way, even shaved his head...and she got contacted on FB by her high school sweetheart while she was going through it and that was all it took - bam, gone.


Ouch. This is horrible. I hope he's doing better


----------



## turnera

Yeah, he found a pretty decent woman who won't take his crap, lol. He's hard to put up with.


----------



## the guy

Broken925 said:


> I will be three hours away. She has said she will drive them or meet closer to me. Sunday night and next week are going to be tough.


Life is tough ..no doubt..but you get your butt up... dust off and make the best of it for you and yours!

Them kids of yours are the prize....so suck it up and make it all about them....and have your self one hell of a good time.

Me and you know life isn't fair, but maybe we can keep it together long enough so our kids figure this out later then sooner?

Hang in there brother. 

Your time has come....grab it!


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## the guy

That D of yours is a life changer....make the best of it by bringing out the best in you!

Never let your old lady define you!!! 

It's not what knocks us down that matters...it's how we get back up that counts!!


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## the guy

Not sure what turnera and wmn1 got going on?


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## Wolfman1968

Broken925 said:


> Update:
> 
> Divorce papers are signed and she has taken a new job back to her hometown to be with her family. We have decided the kids should be with her. They will move to a different school and whatever home she picks. She has agreed to no child support through the courts and will not touch my 401k or mutual funds or savings accounts. (although I will be paying her monthly to support my kids.) I will have them every other weekend and for weeks at a time throughout summer and whenever they have a break or vacation from school.
> 
> Although I'd love to still seem them almost everyday, I feel this is best for them. I cannot raise them alone. They are excited for the move for now.
> 
> Thanks everyone for your help through this.


In the long run, I think this is better for your girls. It would be horrible for them to learn from the example of their parents' unhappy marriage with the kind of disrespect that your ex has shown you. 

You just need to be very, very involved in your girls' lives growing up now.


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## Taxman

So she came to accept that the marriage is over. Good. It does my heart good to see that there is some justice in the world. She murdered a marriage, and now has to have drastic changes in her life. She will be alone with the children in another town, in a completely new life. When things get hard, she will long for a partner to lighten the load, however, it will occur to her that her actions destroyed her partner, and caused the split, and now the burden is placed squarely on her shoulders.

Please go have a good life.

I hope that you find another, and find what your exWW threw out the window in such a cavalier fashion. I have been around one couple, who found one another after her divorce. Her cheating exWH was floored. He never imagined that his ex would find another, and have a good life. I believe that the divorce hit him squarely between the eyes. The realization that you have murdered a relationship becomes real apparent when you see your ex partner with someone new. Sinking those few inches into another during a marriage seems hardly worth it.


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## Marc878

Broken925 said:


> What hurts me the most was that after the first time I caught her. A month after she changed jobs, she wanted to go visit the girls from her old work. I voiced my displeasure with the idea but said I would have to trust her at some point. *She put two hands on my face, looked me square in the eyes, and said," you can trust me". Only to find out later she went there just to see him*.


Just reflect back. This is a part of who she is. Very well thought out and planned deceit.

You didn't lose a thing.


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