# Past infidelity taking its toll.



## tesslove198 (Aug 20, 2016)

We have been married 11 yrs. 9 yrs ago while I was 3 mths pregnant, I found out my husband was cheating on me for the past year. We decided to try to make it work for the sake of the baby. The next 3 yrs was difficult. I always felt that things were still going on behind my back. I was right. 6 years ago I found out not only they were still together but she was pregnant. I was crushed. I knew that marked the end. But he cried and begged and even our young son seemed to know that something was wrong and tried to bring us together. I was scared of being alone and my son losing his daddy in his home. I agreed to try. 

I accepted this 'outside' addition and my husband swore to be the best he can be. Today, we seem to still have the demons of the past following. My husband no longer tries to be his best. He seems often impatient and aggravated. I feel very unsure about his feelings for me because of this. He complains that I hardly have sex with him anymore and is tired of always initiating. But I no longer feel that unconditional love between us that once fed my passion for him. I told him we need to try to build back our love and he needs to learn what feeds my sexual desires but he sees this as unnecessary. That if I really wanted him I wouldn't need to be put in the mood. He still has 'too close' friendships with his female co-workers even though I asked him to stop (it's what caused the affair in the first place). 

I feel like things are heading downhill fast. Thinking that maybe it's time to let go. We love each other but can't seem to fulfil each other's needs...


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

That is a really tough pill to swallow. 

His lack of effort in this will be the undoing of what little love you have for him. Have you explained this to him?

He strikes me as the type that is good at falling in love (which requires little effort) and terrible at sustaining love (which takes tremendous effort).

Sorry you are here.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

It is simply not possible to walk two paths at the same time... there will not be a clear commitment to the situation you are in as someone will end up forsaken, if not both of you since he cannot share a heart between two relationships without tearing self apart.

As he did when he took another lover in an affair, he is only looking at himself and what his happiness means, thus putting so little effort into himself and his accountability for your relationship. One's attitude as such is a showing of his own self-destruction and you are caught in it until you can choose a better path for yourself... that he is once again in this sequence of chaos is telling enough of the changes that will not come from within him.

Setting him free to behave poorly will relieve you of much of this contamination and begin planning in earnest how your life without him as an untrusted spouse will transpire, but hold him to his legal responsibilities to help care financially for your son and if needed, you as you remember your three selfs... love, respect, and worth.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> That is a really tough pill to swallow.
> 
> His lack of effort in this will be the undoing of what little love you have for him. Have you explained this to him?
> 
> ...


Way too kind to her Wayward Husband. He is self serving and cruel.


----------



## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> Way too kind to her Wayward Husband. He is self serving and cruel.


:iagree:


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I think you have, unwittingly, been his enabler for too long.

Stop enabling him.

I think that perhaps counselling might be of help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## candle100 (Aug 21, 2016)

Cheaters who are truly remorseful can deserve a second chance if the person involves willing to give it. Your husband made the same mistake twice. He does not respect you.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Always remember that a leopard rarely, if ever, changes his spots! Does that make sense?

Accordingly, it's well past time to give him the air, and to get yourself to a good family lawyer's office to plan on giving him something else to start worrying about: namely child support and visitation!

Welcome to the TAM family! Sorry to see you here but you've definitely come to the right place regarding help with your situation! Best of luck to you!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jennatorturor (Aug 20, 2016)

I m so sorry. At least you can say you tried.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Your WH, has taken your love and forgiveness for granted, you should have given him consequences the first time, you were too soft, now he doesn't care. 
Time to be honest with him and tell him that the stain he put on the marriage is still there and the carpet sweeping didn't ever really work for you hence your lack of unconditional love and desire to have intimacy. See how he deals with this, if he throws himself into caring what you think then good, go for it but if he doesn't then maybe it it time to make plans for a future without him.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> I think you have, unwittingly, been his enabler for too long.
> 
> Stop enabling him.
> 
> ...


Understanding why you chose to enable through your own counseling is a good first step, if you understand self, you will understand your actions and how to cease behaviors that do not compliment your healthy mind and body (stresses like this are so self-destructive).


----------



## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

My advice would have been to divorce him back when he cheated. Think how happy you'd be by now? You'd be over him and his manipulative and cheating ways and you and the kiddo would be happy campers. Well...that ship has sailed. Here's my advice for today. DO THE SAME THING. Divorce him, get him out of your lives, and be happy. Tell him to go to his other baby mama. Maybe she'll take in his sorry butt. Life is too short. Free yourself.


----------

