# WTF Is Going On With Me?



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

(Sorry, this is really long...)

I haven't posted about my story in a LONG TIME, but the last few weeks have been an insane roller coaster, and I've made some references on some other threads. So I thought it might be time for a new FemInPink thread.

My back story:
1. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/55814-limbo-having-talk-few-days.html
2. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...ion/64554-first-counseling-session-today.html

I sent this to a friend on August 5 as an update:

STBXHand I met up - not under the best of circumstances, because of my initial [really, really bad] behavior - Thursday evening, but we ended up having a deep heart-to-heart. He's made so much [emotional] progress over the last few months, and he's finally acknowledged the problems in our relationship and the part he played in them, which I didn't think he was capable of (and our therapist told me that she didn't think he was capable of this change); he's also been operating under the false assumption that I never wanted to seem him again (another misunderstanding reinforced by our crappy therapist). Truthfully, our therapist isn't the only one at fault here; we both made assumptions about the other, and neither of us were fully honest with her. A better therapist - who didn't move to Las Vegas in the middle of our separation, like she did - might have been able to help us dig a little deeper. Most of the work we've each done has been on our own, through introspection and a lot of time alone.

So I've asked him to consider a reconciliation. I never thought that was possible, because I never thought he would change. He never thought that was possible, because he thought my mind was made up and I was done with him.

We met again yesterday, and had another long talk. He shared a lot of things he never told me before; in my anger and frustration in the last year or so before we separated, I apparently turned into a raging *****. I didn't know I was doing it, I was so wrapped up in my pain. All the clutter and mess - which got worse the unhappier I became - was an ongoing source of aggravation for him, but he never let on how MUCH it bothered him, the occasional joke aside. But I understand now that my behavior in this respect made him feel disrespected and unloved. 

I've learned that since he was convinced we were over, his friends convinced him that he needed to move on. So about two months ago he opened an ******* account, and he started dating this woman named Julie almost immediately. He says she's not his girlfriend (yet), but that she would be really upset to hear him say that. Even so, it sounds like it's pretty serious.

I'm absolutely devastated. I can't begin to convey how much pain I'm in right now; I thought that I could never feel more pain than I did in the last six months before he moved out, but it turns out that you can always feel more pain. I don't think there's a threshold on this sort of thing. I thought I knew what Gordon was experiencing when I dragged him to counseling and he thought he was losing me, but I didn't. I had no idea. I had no idea that I hurt him this much, and if I understood he was hurting this much, I would have tried and tried and tried and tried. I never would have given up on him. By that point, we had pushed each other so far away that we just couldn't relate. We were both so scared of continued pain that we hid it from one another.

He said if I had asked him for this in February, or even two months ago, he would have said yes in a minute. But everything's different now, and he needs time to think about this. But I couldn't have asked him for this in February, or even two months ago, because as individuals we weren't capable of it then. I feel like this is my only window, but I might be too late. I've ****ed everything up so badly, and I might lose him forever. I'm so scared. I'm so ****ing scared of what I've done to our marriage, and to him, to me. I'm just too damn proud and such a stupid know-it-all that I couldn't see past the end of my own damn nose.

I'm so scared he's going to choose her. She's new, and he thinks he can be happy with her. There's no baggage, no bad history. And he's worried that he and I will just fall into the same old patterns; I think if we both work (independently and together) to change our destructive behaviors that we can mitigate that risk, but he's not so sure. I think he still loves me; no, scratch that, I know he still loves me, But I also know that he's scared, and he's still in a lot of pain. And if we do reconcile, this isn't going to be easy.

I'm terrified. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I started smoking again (stupid, I know!). I've started cleaning maniacally, because part of me thinks if he sees I'm really trying on this one aspect that I can do more and I can be better. I've been trying to come up with some grand gesture to show him just how much I love him and how sorry I am. I've come up with a few ideas, which if he doesn't find them romantic and endearing, might make me look like a stalker.

He said yesterday that he needed time to think, to which I responded that I didn't expect an answer immediately. But he also couldn't give me a time window, so I have no idea how long this all will drag on. I could hear from him tomorrow, it might be three weeks from now. But I know the longer it takes - because he'll still be seeing her while he's deciding what he wants to do (unless she puts their relationship on hold herself) - the chances of him choosing reconciliation decrease.​
And this update to another friend on August 12:

The long and short of it is that his answer is "no" which he gave me yesterday after I came out of emergency surgery. Because I called him and asked him to come and be with me, because there was no one else I wanted there.

I had thought, if I fight for him, if I show him how committed I am to this, he'll see that we can fix things. But everything that I did, which I thought of as grand gestures proving my dedication, come across as pushy and manipulative to someone who doesn't want them. It all depends on the perspective of the receiver. I think now that he was already leaning towards no, and my actions just pushed him in the direction; if he was leaning towards yes, my actions would have also pushed him in the direction of yes. It was all in how he received them. If he was going to say no, he was going to say no, no matter what I did, and vice versa.

But at least I know that I did everything I could. There's not more thinking, well, if I had just done this or if I had only said that, things would be different. There's none of that. There is nothing more I could have done, nothing more I could have said, to change the outcome of this situation.

And he's still angry, at things I've done this week, and at things I've done in the past. He didn't let on to that before, just how angry he was. And if he can't let go of that anger - and if he couldn't be that honest with me about his anger in the first place - then we're not really in a place where reconciliation is possible.

And to be honest, I'm not sure how much sugar-coating he's been putting on his statements to keep from hurting me. He doesn't want to hurt me, but the sugar-coating is unfair because it leads me on. If he couldn't be honest about how angry he's been with me, then he's not being as honest as I thought he was (even though he's been much more honest with me recently than he has in a long time). And if we can't both be completely honest and deal with these difficult emotions - and I know that anger is a very difficult emotion for both of us - there's no way we can work through our relationship problems.

So maybe it's for the best. He kept saying, "I don't think I can be the husband you need. I don't think I can love you the way you deserve." I think that's a cop-out, personally, and I'm the one who decides what I need and what I deserve. But maybe he's right; maybe he can't give me the love I need. Because for this to work, we need to be able to start over, and we can't do that if he can't let go of the pain and the hurt. He says that he's mourned our relationship and that he's moved on, but I think he's done more burying of his emotions than actually dealing with them.

But I told him earlier this week that I never wanted a divorce, that I never hired a lawyer, and if he wants a divorce, he's going to have to make it happen. As much as I just want this to be over now that he's made it clear, I'm going to stick by what I said. If I go and file now, that's only going to reinforce his belief that I'm flip-flopping and all over the place. I live in DC, and he moved to VA. Since we separated just over 6 mos ago, I could file today and have this all finished in a month. But since he's not done anything yet to establish residency in VA (no VA driver's license yet) and because they have different laws, he would first have to establish residency, and then wait a year before we could get divorced.

So if he thinks about it some more and changes his mind - though I doubt that will happen - the door will be open just a little longer. And I do my best to move on. If I reach a point where I definitely want the door closed, I will go ahead and file, but I don't feel a strong need to at this point. If he is indeed making a hasty decision, I don't want my response to also be rash.

He was my first love, my first real relationship. The (2) longest relationship(s) I had before STBXH was 2 months (each); I'm not really sure how I expected that to last. Even smart girls get caught up in fairy tales, I suppose. I think I've learned a lot, and I hope I'll do better the next time around.​
I'm doing much better than I was at the time of the Aug 5 letter. Even so, the two weeks since have been an absolute roller coaster. Rationally, I know a divorce is probably the right thing for both of us; I go back and I read my older threads/posts, and I see how unhappy I was. But sometimes, I can't stop thinking about the good stuff and little memories pop up everywhere. Like last night, I ordered Moo Goo Gai Pan, which struck a chord when I started eating it. Why? Because I used to always pick out all the mushrooms and give them to him because he loved the mushrooms. These little things keep breaking off little pieces of my heart.

I've been packing up all of his stuff and putting it in a storage unit, because 1) I can't stand to look at it any longer, and 2) if I don't do it, it will be there until I move, because he will never move it himself. And so he agreed to meet up with me this past Sunday to go to the storage unit and sign it over to him - so we're stuck in the car together for 30 min each way. I can't even bring myself to look at him or say anything, and so he's trying to fill the silence, telling me everything that's going on with his parents, and this trip he's planning on taking to New England. And I'm just not talking at all. We stopped at the Home Depot (I needed a vacuum filter) next to the storage place, and all I could think of was how we'll never take any more trips to Home Depot together, because we're never going to buy the fixer-up farmhouse we always wanted! I was a wreck, but I managed to keep it together.

WTF is wrong with me??? I've been distancing emotionally for the entire separation, and for months before that, and this is all hitting me like a Mack truck now. And then sometimes, I feel totally OK. WTF??? And rationally, I know he's all wrong for me, and it's clear he has no intention to change, so WHY AM I DOING THIS???


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

It is normal to be devastated when the end finally comes, even if it is what you want and for the best. Its also normal for all the GOOD memories to bombard you at this time, too, it sucks. You will feel like you are suffocating for a short time, but it WILL pass, believe me. This has been a long time coming for you, you KNOW that you cant be happy with him. And soon you will feel that enormous burden lift off of you, and you will be amazed at the relief that comes with it. Upward from here.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

3Xnocharm, thank GOD. I thought I was going crazy. I was thinking, why the heck am I latching on like this now? I've been FINE with it for months, and now, BAM!

And "suffocating" is absolutely the right word. I've found myself, on one or two occasions, sobbing to the point of hyperventilation, which was totally unexpected. I've been totally uninterested in food, so I've had to FORCE myself to eat (I've lost 15# over the last few weeks - I need to lose weight anyway, but this is probably not the best way to do it). And the thought of him with this new woman makes me want to throw up - I feel nauseated every time I think of it, which is more often than I would like. I want to just push it out of my mind, but I can't.

I remind myself that I need to just let him go. I need to let him pursue whatever it is that he thinks will make him happy, because, in the end, I didn't make him happy. But my emotions keep getting the better of me. This is SO HARD.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I'm also incredibly angry at him for putting me through all of this. He took over a decade of my life with his BS and lies. He says now that he doesn't think he was every really in love with me, but the "idea" of me; that he liked the idea of getting married, but doesn't think that he ever really wanted to be married to me.

If you don't really love someone, why stay with them for over a decade? If you don't really want to marry someone, WHY DO YOU MARRY THEM? WHO DOES THAT??? This is what infuriates me, because I WANTED TO BE MARRIED TO HIM. I loved him, and I wanted to build a future with him, and I meant the vows I took.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> 3Xnocharm, thank GOD. I thought I was going crazy. I was thinking, why the heck am I latching on like this now? I've been FINE with it for months, and now, BAM!
> 
> And "suffocating" is absolutely the right word. I've found myself, on one or two occasions, sobbing to the point of hyperventilation, which was totally unexpected. I've been totally uninterested in food, so I've had to FORCE myself to eat (I've lost 15# over the last few weeks - I need to lose weight anyway, but this is probably not the best way to do it). And the thought of him with this new woman makes me want to throw up - I feel nauseated every time I think of it, which is more often than I would like. I want to just push it out of my mind, but I can't.
> 
> *I remind myself that I need to just let him go. I need to let him pursue whatever it is that he thinks will make him happy, because, in the end, I didn't make him happy.* But my emotions keep getting the better of me. This is SO HARD.


Keep in mind that now, you get to pursue whatever it is that will make YOU happy, too.  You finally get to move forward instead of being in hopeless limbo. Also remind yourself that HE didnt make YOU happy either. Perspective helps.


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## somethingnewmaybe (May 12, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> If you don't really love someone, why stay with them for over a decade? If you don't really want to marry someone, WHY DO YOU MARRY THEM? WHO DOES THAT??? This is what infuriates me, because I WANTED TO BE MARRIED TO HIM. I loved him, and I wanted to build a future with him, and I meant the vows I took.


I think my STBXW just wanted a baby. Never wanted a real marriage because that requires work. Nope, just the fun part and piss off when things aren't fairy tale land.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I think people stay for a number of reasons. One big one I could see is that a person doesn't want to hurt their spouse, especially if they aren't sure about their feelings. You'd hate to end a marriage only to later realize that your unhappiness/depression had nothing to do with your spouse and you have unnecessarily hurt them and your family and kids if you have any. People figure they are stronger than that, or can find ways to make it work, or don't want to go through the pain/guilt of divorce and figure sticking with it is better/easier, etc.

Lots of reasons unfortunately, but certainly don't blame yourself for it now. You loved the guy. If you didn't, his lies and such would never have had an effect on you.

While it's debatable whether you would call his new relationship with the OW an affair or not, he is also very likely in an "affair fog" in that, as you have described, everything about her is new, exciting, mysterious and completely, utterly CLEAN. No baggage, not bad memories, not even bad habits/behaviors because they're still putting their best feet forward, covering up their negatives and quite willing to ignore any that accidentally creep up. It's very possible that he'll emerge from that fog in a few months, or that the relationship will end naturally in that time.

I know a lot of this because I went through it myself when my wife and I were separated for about two and a half years, then I met a wonderful woman that you could say I fell for pretty hard. She was fantastic, great family, smart, financially secure, no kids but wanted them, etc. At first it was all roses and sunshine, but I overlooked hints of issues like her interest in drinking nearly every day including while driving, her incredible sexual conservatism, her unbelievable ability to change moods faster than any female I'd ever seen, etc. Around the same time, my wife finally started opening up to me about a possible R, and I became conflicted. Initially I wasn't interested and was actually already in the process of moving forward with the divorce, until things suddenly clicked one day and everything changed.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

FeministInPink said:


> I'm also incredibly angry at him for putting me through all of this. He took over a decade of my life with his BS and lies. He says now that he doesn't think he was every really in love with me, but the "idea" of me; that he liked the idea of getting married, but doesn't think that he ever really wanted to be married to me.
> 
> If you don't really love someone, why stay with them for over a decade? If you don't really want to marry someone, WHY DO YOU MARRY THEM? WHO DOES THAT??? This is what infuriates me, because I WANTED TO BE MARRIED TO HIM. I loved him, and I wanted to build a future with him, and I meant the vows I took.


When you start talking about loving him and making gestures only to be pushed away, check on this link:

the fascinating woman: the pandora's box effect


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Thanks, cdbaker -- from my perspective, I do see it as an affair. We separated not as the first stepping stone to divorce, but to figure things out for ourselves individually. That's what I was doing, and I was hoping that he would finally come to terms with the fact that we actually had problems and take ownership of that. We agreed that we could date one another - not have relationships with other people. Instead, he went off skirt chasing, hard-core - he was only successful when he met this woman on *******. 

(And that was a real surprise, when I found out about this -- he's very shy with women. The first time that we kissed, it was so obvious that he wanted to, but he wouldn't go for it -- after weeks and weeks of going our for drinks and flirting after work -- I had to practically sit in his lap and plant one on him myself.) 

Since he's unwilling to change, I know this relationship will crash and burn, too, but when? Who knows. He seems to recognize that he's hurtling down a path to destruction (he actually said something like that), and yet he keeps following that same path. The few things he's said about her, it's almost like he's recreating the beginning of our relationship, just with another woman. Some of the things he's said about her are verbatim of what he said about me. It's crazy.

So, yeah, eventually it will end, or he'll come out of this fog. Even so, I don't see things clicking for him the way they did for you. He's uncanny when it comes to bottling up and ignoring his own feelings, especially if they're negative feelings. When he's made a decision, that's it and there is no looking back, no space for doubt with him. So I might as well go ahead and file.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

FIP,

What was his childhood like?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Conrad said:


> When you start talking about loving him and making gestures only to be pushed away, check on this link:
> 
> the fascinating woman: the pandora's box effect


OMG, Conrad! I clicked through the link, and this is SO SPOT ON, it's like Ding Ding Ding!

I wrote an email to him on Aug 7, explaining that I understood what he was going through, etc, etc., and making an argument for why we should reconcile. It was, perhaps, a little more assertive than necessary, but he's always saying how he doesn't pick up on subtleties and you have to hit him over the head with stuff. 

Well, that sent him into a RAGE. Not that I knew, not that he told me. His BFF and my BFF are friends, so his BFF mentioned it to her. "STBXH is pissed. I think FeministInPink nailed it on the head, but he is PISSED."

But STBXH has never actually responded to or addressed the content of said email. So I guess I won't actually know what's in his Pandora's Box. Too bad, because it would be a good chance for both of us to grow.

But I'm going to check out that book.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Conrad said:


> FIP, What was his childhood like?


Oh, he's a classic co-dependent. Adult child of an abusive alcoholic and his enabler wife.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

FeministInPink said:


> Oh, he's a classic co-dependent. Adult child of an abusive alcoholic and his enabler wife.


And, he won't own that either.

He let you push him around while he simmered... and then he blew his top.


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

I don't have any great words of wisdom other than I am going through a similar situation. I wish you luck and I hope you can take a little comfort in knowing there are others in your same boat. We need to be here for one another!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Conrad said:


> And, he won't own that either.
> 
> He let you push him around while he simmered... and then he blew his top.


You're right, he won't. He's starting to recognize wome of his issues (like symptoms of his co-dependency), but he's not putting two and two together. 

And you're right, I did push him around. Not because I wanted to; I'm jst an assertive person, and I need someone who puwhes back. I always got my way because he would never express a contrary opinion, even when pressed. And I think he resents me for that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

peakguy said:


> I don't have any great words of wisdom other than I am going through a similar situation. I wish you luck and I hope you can take a little comfort in knowing there are others in your same boat. We need to be here for one another!


Thanks for the support, peakguy. My friends and family have been very supportive, but they are quite far-flung, and a little extra support/encouragement never hurt anyone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Keep in mind that now, you get to pursue whatever it is that will make YOU happy, too.  You finally get to move forward instead of being in hopeless limbo. Also remind yourself that HE didnt make YOU happy either. Perspective helps.


Very true. I do feel better now than I did when he was deciding whether or not he wanted to pursue a reconciliation.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

FeministInPink said:


> You're right, he won't. He's starting to recognize wome of his issues (like symptoms of his co-dependency), but he's not putting two and two together.
> 
> And you're right, I did push him around. Not because I wanted to; I'm jst an assertive person, and I need someone who puwhes back. I always got my way because he would never express a contrary opinion, even when pressed. And I think he resents me for that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If it makes you feel any better, it seems to be a biological impulse that many females emotionally want that push-back, as it makes them feel safe.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Conrad said:


> If it makes you feel any better, it seems to be a biological impulse that many females emotionally want that push-back, as it makes them feel safe.


Makes sense to me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wtf2012 (Oct 22, 2012)

Hey Fem

I remember your old posts. 

I remember you were unhappy and frustrated in your relationship. 

I think with time you will both feel ending your marriage was for the best. 

Best of luck


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

wtf2012 said:


> Hey Fem
> 
> I remember your old posts.
> 
> ...


Hey wtf  You remember correctly. Going back and re-reading my old threads - which I did today for the first time in a VERY long time - is helping me keep things in perspective, and I think you are right. Thanks for the note.

I also stumbled on this blog post today, which also helps with perspective:

The Wisdom Of Keanu Reeves « A Woman's Guide to Women: A Blog for Men

Just wish I had known this six or seven years ago. But then again, maybe I had to go through all this sh!t to really understand what Keanu Reeves was talking about.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

FeministInPink said:


> Hey wtf  You remember correctly. Going back and re-reading my old threads - which I did today for the first time in a VERY long time - is helping me keep things in perspective, and I think you are right. Thanks for the note.
> 
> I also stumbled on this blog post today, which also helps with perspective:
> 
> ...


None of us ever really listen until we're ready to hear.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Conrad said:


> None of us ever really listen until we're ready to hear.


Were wiser words ever spoken? :iagree:


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

So, I'm having a pretty good day today, and I think a part of that is due to y'all kind folks, and so I wanted to say thanks. I like posting here on TAM not just to get feedback from other posters, but also by responding to other threads, it helps me sort out some of my own thoughts. 

For example, today I posted the following on Corso's thread about his wife being so awful in the last years of their marriage, and during the divorce process, and it made me think about how people change (or maybe their true selves come out?), and I started considering my STBXH in from this perspective (original post: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/112178-reality-sets.html#post3921914):



FeministInPink said:


> I've read it over and over on the boards here: "What happened to the man/woman I married?" when their spouses goes into attack mode during this process. Divorce really can bring out the worse in people, and turn your STBX into someone completely unrecognizable. As sad as it is, you have to be prepared for that.
> 
> My STBXH is completely unrecognizable to me now, and he isn't even being nasty/unfair with this whole process. We're being very fair in dividing up the assets, and he's been generous regarding things which I want (things I thought he would fight me on). But personality-wise? He's changed, and not in a good way. I used to think he was a decent guy, but the more I think about his recent behavior... he's turning into a real creep. When we were together, he would talk, and I would hear his father's voice come out (his father is a racist, misogynistic, homophobe a-hole), and it's only grown worse since then. And his sense of humor has grown incredibly crass, disgusting, and offensive. And he will blatantly ogle women in front of me, and sometimes make comments about what he would like to do to them.
> 
> ...


There's another thread on the boards that I really like, called The Positive Thinking Thread, and it's all about good stuff -- no doom and gloom. So I finally posted there as well, and I came up with a whole slew of good things (which I juxtaposed with their negative counterparts while my STBXH was living at home), and that made me feel a lot better about my situation. It's a long post, so I'm not going to repost in its entirety (original post here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...6-positive-thinking-thread-4.html#post3918194). But I did want to repost this little tidbit, which is related to the post above:


FeministInPink said:


> 11) I hardly ever watch TV anymore. My STBXH had the TV on ALL THE TIME. Made me crazy, all the noise and the flashing light, but he likes the background noise. So, when he moved out, the first thing I did was cancel the cable. And it's so quiet. I love it. And I didn't realize how much TV I was watching before he moved out, on nights when I was home alone. I was so lonely, sad, hurt, etc., that I would plop down on the couch and watch TV all night. I never had time to do anything else because I was watching TV all the time. Now, I feel like I have so much time! And I'm able to do the things I want - and I have more time to fill. Without the TV, I can have such a full, interesting life! I'm working on filling it right now. I've spent more time playing my guitar and piano, and I'm thinking of taking dance classes! I've always wanted to, but never have. And I have time to study and learn Italian, which I started a while ago, but then gave it up. And I want to get back into theater, which was a big part of my life for a long time. And writing - I need to get writing again. All of this is very exciting. I still watch movies on Amazon Prime, or the occasional TV show online, but now I have to make a conscious decision to do so; it's no longer a default activity, and I get to watch what I want. I'm not forced to watch Top Gear or Attack of the Show because it's what my STBXH decided we were going to watch.
> 
> (I know this is the positive thread, but I have to get this out. I HATE Attack of the Show; I also HATE Family Guy and American Dad. I find all these shows to be offensive, sexist, and misogynistic. I hate them, hate them, hate them. I told my STBXH this SO MANY TIMES. I hate these shows, I don't want to watch them. But he would put them on anyway, when we were supposed to be having our quality time together. So I would leave the room, and he would get upset with me for leaving because this was supposed to be quality time. And I'm like, Seriously? THIS IS QUALITY TIME? Ignoring me, while simultaneously forcing me to watch a crappy tv show, a tv show that I find so vile and offensive that it makes me want to vomit -- this is supposed to be quality time? Yes, I SHOULD be divorcing this tool.)


I know I'm going to have moments where I'm weak, moments where I miss him, moments where I think I want him back. And then I'm going to come here, and I'm going to re-read my post, your comments, and my other comments, and I am going to remember: He's a JERK and doesn't deserve you, and he certainly doesn't deserve this power over you, so don't let him! You have all these great things - both big and little joys - that you wouldn't have if he was still in your life. This is just a moment, this is just a feeling, and this will pass; it might come back again later, but the next time it will be less intense, and eventually it won't come back at all.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Although I'm still crying at the drop of a hat!

Yesterday, I emailed the registrar office at my grad program (I finished in May 12) to ask if it was possible to get a replacement diploma with my maiden name after the divorce (the one I have now displays my married name). Because the diploma should be a reminder of one of my greatest achievements, but with my married name becomes a reminder of my biggest failure instead.

They emailed me back this afternoon and said that they would be happy to do so after I had my name officially changed. Well, I read that and I burst into tears. Happy tears, but I was still crying. And now I'm starting to tear up writing this post. 

Stupid roller coaster.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Haha, you mentioned that he doesn't pick up on subtleties very well and that made me chuckle. I think most men have a hard time picking up on female subtleties, and women for some reason seem to think that we communicate the same way they do, so yes it is best to be direct about everything when speaking to a man. 

From your story about your first kiss with him, that sounds a lot like me too, in a sense. I'm very very confident and willing to take the lead on everything with a woman that I'm not fully hung up on yet. It isn't until I realize that I really like her that I start to second guess myself and play it safe. With my girlfriend last year who I described earlier, we probably had four or five dates before our first kiss, and probably 7 or 8 before sex. Early on she had indicated that she was somewhat conservative, old fashioned, etc. and I respected the heck out of that and was totally on board with taking everything slow. I didn't want her to think I just wanted to get her into bed. (which wasn't the case) Later I found out that she knew very early on that she wanted me to kiss her and take her to bed, and tried to drop all kinds of hints, which I could see in retrospect. I kept thinking, "Good G0d woman, why the hell couldn't you have just said so?!"


Back to your situation... I'd say keep moving forward for yourself. If your husband wakes up from his fog someday and realizes what he had in you, then at least be willing to hear him out and maybe let him prove himself (DON'T take him at his word) if you haven't already found a new guy. Things will work out better for you one way or the other.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

cdbaker said:


> Back to your situation... I'd say keep moving forward for yourself. If your husband wakes up from his fog someday and realizes what he had in you, then at least be willing to hear him out and maybe let him prove himself (DON'T take him at his word) if you haven't already found a new guy. Things will work out better for you one way or the other.


That's exactly what I plan to do: keep moving forward. Even if he wakes up from this, I'll hear him out, but the chances of me taking him back are slim-to-none. As I said earlier, he's turned into someone that I simply don't like very much (infidelity aside), and he's not the kind of person that I want to much spend time with, let alone the rest of my life. He's changed THAT MUCH in the last few years. (Or maybe he's finally showing his real self. Either way, he's not someone I like anymore.)


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Boy, this weekend has been rough. Sundays, especially on a holiday weekend, is generally the worst day of the week, because this is the only day of the week that my STBXH and I had together (because of our opposing work schedules). It's still strange being alone on a Sunday; and on holiday weekends, we would make plans to get together with friends, and we would actually have FUN.

And I know that today - and possibly tomorrow - he's hanging out with people who used to be my friends, and instead of me being there, he's probably invited his new girlfriend along.

And I'm a little upset that my parents decided to go to their cottage, and they took my sister and my nieces, and they didn't think to invite me. I can't really blame them, they never remember to invite me to anything, but it's still upsetting. They say they support me no matter what, but they don't really make any active effort to do so.

So, yeah, I'm just feeling pretty bummed out today.


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

FIP, I know how you feel. Weekends can suck. And him spending time with people who were once your friends is a stab to the heart. Hang in there!!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I need to do better with socializing... I frequently wait for other people to invite me out, and I need to be more assertive in doing the inviting. I've grown acclimated to my STBXH saying on a regular basis, "Oh, so-and-so invited us over for dinner (or out somewhere, etc.)" So I never had to actively develop my social life -- plus, I was in school for SUCH A LONG TIME (work f/t, grad school p/t) that I didn't have much time to be social, and most of my non-STBXH-related social activities revolved around school, and I don't have that anymore. (As an alum, I'm still welcome to attend events, but I know fewer and fewer of the students as time passes.)

Yet another thing to work on/worry about/stress over.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

MyPainandHurt said:


> FIP, I know how you feel. Weekends can suck. And him spending time with people who were once your friends is a stab to the heart. Hang in there!!


Thanks, MP&H. Part of me thinks, if he would just MOVE TO MAINE like he has always wanted, I could hang out with some of them again. But no, he's started dating a woman here, and she will never move to Maine, so he's once again tying himself to a region that he hates, without really putting any thought into it at all. (He hated it here when he first moved here in 2002, but he stayed because he had started dating me. And look where that got us.)


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## JustGotDroppedABomshell (Aug 24, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> I need to do better with socializing


Check out *******. I created a profile just to see what is out there. There are quite a few people just looking for friends. For me I'm not sure if this is the healthiest thing for me but I was able to clear my head and finally able to take my ring off. She's had her off for about a week now. That was pretty rough when I noticed it 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> Thanks, MP&H. Part of me thinks, if he would just MOVE TO MAINE like he has always wanted, I could hang out with some of them again. But no, he's started dating a woman here, and she will never move to Maine, so he's once again tying himself to a region that he hates, without really putting any thought into it at all. (He hated it here when he first moved here in 2002, but he stayed because he had started dating me. And look where that got us.)


He's a Mainer? That's your problem right there!! 


I just read through this thread and your thread in considering divorce. It's funny, because we started counseling and separated at about the same time, but our paths have diverged quite a bit from there. I have 2 kids though, it's good that you guys don't. It makes this all a thousand times more complicated.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

JustGotDroppedABomshell said:


> Check out *******. I created a profile just to see what is out there. There are quite a few people just looking for friends. For me I'm not sure if this is the healthiest thing for me but I was able to clear my head and finally able to take my ring off. She's had her off for about a week now. That was pretty rough when I noticed it
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds like competition.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

JustGotDroppedABomshell said:


> Check out *******. I created a profile just to see what is out there. There are quite a few people just looking for friends. For me I'm not sure if this is the healthiest thing for me but I was able to clear my head and finally able to take my ring off. She's had her off for about a week now. That was pretty rough when I noticed it


I did create an ******* account a while ago, just to see what was out there. And there are definitely some good options! But I'm still a little wary of the online thing (though that's how my STBXH met his girlfriend/AP). I've since de-activated it or put it to sleep or whatever. I've been thinking about re-activating it, and blocking my STBXH.

I'm thinking about doing more stuff on MeetUp -- I belong to a couple groups, but haven't done anything in a while now. I'm going to a Ravens season opener get-together this Thursday.

And since I posted this, I've made plans for every weekend between now and the end of September


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Had the strangest dream Monday evening/Tuesday morning.

I dreamed that I met up with my STBXH, and in the dream, he got these big spacers in his ears, and he had acquired all these tattoos. I thought this was pretty strange, since he's always thought spacers and tatts are stupid. But he said, "This is who I really am. I'm embracing the real me." And I replied, "You look ridiculous. The real you is an idiot."

This dream has been following me around for two days.

*****************************************
On another note, I'm bummed b/c I don't think I can go to the Ravens season-opener thing. I forgot, I'm having two wisdom teeth extracted on Thursday. I don't think I'll be in much shape to go out Thursday night.


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

I had an odd dream about "her" last night also. One of those where you wake up and it takes a few minutes to realize it was a dream.

Good luck with wisdom teeth tomorrow!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

northernlights said:


> He's a Mainer? That's your problem right there!!
> 
> 
> I just read through this thread and your thread in considering divorce. It's funny, because we started counseling and separated at about the same time, but our paths have diverged quite a bit from there. I have 2 kids though, it's good that you guys don't. It makes this all a thousand times more complicated.


Maybe that's it -- I've had nothing but problems with Mainers. (He's actually from Boston, but his heart belongs to Maine.)

Yes, I thank god!!! every day that we don't have kids. He was very strongly against, and I was ambivalent (at best), so no kids was the consensus.

I just read some of your threads (http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...7-how-do-i-get-h-do-something-marriage-2.html, http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ion/67696-when-does-neglect-become-abuse.html, http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/67461-hd-wife-ld-husband-rejection.html, http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/65613-questions-about-gaslighting.html, http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...ve-him-any-more-but-still-want-make-work.html)... and OMG, you're right, there are so many similarities between our stories, it's uncanny. I just think I'm reaching the end-point a little sooner than you have? And of course, no kids/living in a foreign country thing to figure out.

But my STBXH is/was very much like yours. Refused to do ANYTHING to work on our marriage (despite saying that he would do whatever it took to save our marriage), and yes to the gaslighting (though not as severe is in your case) as well.

I'm currently reading a book called Runaway Husbands (Runaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife's Guide to Recovery and Renewal: Vikki Stark: 9780986472107: Amazon.com: Books), in which I'm seeing much of my STBXH's behavior explained. (He's not exactly what the author defines as a Runaway Husband, but he's pretty damn close, so I'm calling a spade a spade.) It's helping me to recognize that it's OVER. Period. He's not going to realize how much he's screwed up, he's not going to change his mind, and he sure as hell doesn't recognize/care about the devastation and destruction that he's left in his wake. He's been gaslighting himself, in a way, to justify his behavior to himself, so that he doesn't have to feel like he's the bad guy.

And that it really has nothing to do with me.

It's hard. I want to move past this. I want to move on with my life, to meet someone new, someone who's a better fit for me. But I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust another person, and I don't like saying that. I don't like feeling that. I don't want to be bitter and jaded, but it feels like it's something that comes with the territory.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

peakguy said:


> I had an odd dream about "her" last night also. One of those where you wake up and it takes a few minutes to realize it was a dream.
> 
> Good luck with wisdom teeth tomorrow!


I know, I keep thinking the next time I see him, there will be these massive spacers in his ears, and he'll have a naked woman tattooed on his inner forearm. Part of me wants the satisfaction of telling him that he's a moron 

RE the wisdom teeth: I had the first two out yesterday, and it wasn't too bad. (That's actually saying a LOT, b/c dentists FREAK ME OUT.) I'm sure the other two will go OK. I really like this dentist. He's very calming, and he recognizes that I'm freaked out. He says, so this is what I'm going to do; if you start to panic, let me know, and I'll stop. And then he kept telling me how brave I was being, and that I was doing really good. He has a great bedside manner, and I appreciate that he takes my anxiety seriously. I told him that yesterday. My friend keeps telling me, "You can get a Groupon or Living Social deal for this stuff, or you can go to a dental school! You're wasting your money!" NO WAY. I'm sticking with this dentist. I think a dentist who can keep you calm and put your mind at ease is worth his weight in gold.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> He's been gaslighting himself, in a way, to justify his behavior to himself, so that he doesn't have to feel like he's the bad guy.
> 
> And that it really has nothing to do with me.


When I'm feeling more charitable towards my husband, my feeling is that this is one of our 2 big issues. He gaslights me because he gaslights himself, not to be sadistic. I don't know why he does this, and I've finally realized that trying to figure it out is a bad way to use my mental energy and ultimately a waste of time. When I asked the MC what she thought, she just said she thinks he's in his own bubble. I can tell him point blank "I'm unhappy," and 10 minutes later he'll have forgotten that, because all he knows is the reality he constructs.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

northernlights said:


> When I'm feeling more charitable towards my husband, my feeling is that this is one of our 2 big issues. He gaslights me because he gaslights himself, not to be sadistic. I don't know why he does this, and I've finally realized that trying to figure it out is a bad way to use my mental energy and ultimately a waste of time. When I asked the MC what she thought, she just said she thinks he's in his own bubble. I can tell him point blank "I'm unhappy," and 10 minutes later he'll have forgotten that, because all he knows is the reality he constructs.


OMG, reading your posts is like deja vu!!!


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> He says now that he doesn't think he was every really in love with me, but the "idea" of me; that he liked the idea of getting married, but doesn't think that he ever really wanted to be married to me. If you don't really love someone, why stay with them for over a decade? If you don't really want to marry someone, WHY DO YOU MARRY THEM? WHO DOES THAT??? This is what infuriates me, because I WANTED TO BE MARRIED TO HIM. I loved him, and I wanted to build a future with him, and I meant the vows I took.


I wouldn't take his words to heart. He's just covering up the hurt by rationalizing that the marriage was 'never meant to be'. Just to remind you, you've said something to the same effect in your earlier posts -



FeministInPink said:


> I've come to the conclusion that I never should have married him, but hindsight is 20/20, isn't it? We're just not a good long-term match, but I didn't see it before. When we met, I was young (22) and in a bad place in my life; I was floundering and didn't have a good foothold on my life. He was six years older and was stable, and I think he was what I needed at that time.


One thing i can point out from your post is that your words and emotional responses are completely out of sync. Your words suggest you want to get away from him but your actions & emotions indicate a willingness to give your right arm for the chance to be with him again. I'm surprised about your inner conflict considering that it was your decision to separate. Blaming the therapist is a cop out. If she was told what was in your earlier posts, she would have concluded, just like us, that your differences were irreconcilable. 



FeministInPink said:


> WTF is wrong with me??? And rationally, I know he's all wrong for me, and it's clear he has no intention to change, so WHY AM I DOING THIS???


Good question. I can speculate that either -

- Deep down you never wanted to separate but were lured into a false sense of victim hood by yourself or someone close to you and the "temporary" separation made you realize that
OR
- Seeing your X with this new woman has invoked some possessive feelings that is pushing you towards a false R just as a means to break up them up

FWIW, i agree that he is in a rebound relationship that was doomed at the outset. I get a feeling that your X is enjoying watching you squirm & he'll act to maximize the impact. If that's the case try the 180 & he'll be back (if that's what you want). 




FeministInPink said:


> *I did create an ******* account a while ago*, just to see what was out there. And there are definitely some good options! But I'm still a little wary of the online thing (though that's how my STBXH met his girlfriend/AP). I've since de-activated it or put it to sleep or whatever. I've been thinking about re-activating it, and blocking my STBXH.


You did that to check up on your STBXH, didn't you?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

bluelaser said:


> I wouldn't take his words to heart. He's just covering up the hurt by rationalizing that the marriage was 'never meant to be'. Just to remind you, you've said something to the same effect in your earlier posts -
> 
> One thing i can point out from your post is that your words and emotional responses are completely out of sync. Your words suggest you want to get away from him but your actions & emotions indicate a willingness to give your right arm for the chance to be with him again. I'm surprised about your inner conflict considering that it was your decision to separate. Blaming the therapist is a cop out. If she was told what was in your earlier posts, she would have concluded, just like us, that your differences were irreconcilable.
> 
> ...


No, I didn't create the ******* account to check up on him -- I created mine well before he created his.

I know my emotional reaction and my words are dichotomous. I'm trying to reconcile irrational emotion with rational thought. As days go by, and as I deal with the enormity of the situation and come to terms with it, the irrational emotion loses its power and the rational thinking grows more dominant.

Perhaps my STBXH would enjoy watching me squirm -- I think that he's thoroughly enjoyed having the upper hand, considering that he feels that I had the upper hand for such a long time in our relationship. So, for the past few weeks, I've stayed calm, cool and composed in his presence, and I've been focusing on work and taking care of myself. And it's been working for me.

EDIT: My point here, on this thread, is that I KNOW my emotional reaction is inconsistent with my words and my rational thought process. That's what I'm trying to work through right now, which I think I've been doing pretty successfully.


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> He's not going to realize how much he's screwed up, he's not going to change his mind, and he sure as hell doesn't recognize/care about the devastation and destruction that he's left in his wake. He's been gaslighting himself, in a way, to justify his behavior to himself, so that he doesn't have to feel like he's the bad guy.
> 
> And that it really has nothing to do with me.



FTP. You are right, all of our stories are so similar in terms of the script our WS have been saying. It's like they are all reading from the same play book! 

They don't want to be the bad person, they don't want to be the reason why we are experiencing the devastation and hurt, so they deflect all of their actions onto the BS to the point that the conversation is infantile. Past conversation with spouse:

WS: "I am unhappy because you annoy me..?
ME: "How have I done that?"
WS: "I don't know....but it is because of you that I cannot sleep."
ME: "But you are sleeping in the other room, how am I involved in you not getting any sleep?"
WS: "Because you are...it is all your fault"
ME: "Okay, I am sorry you feel that way."
WS: "Whatever..."

LOL...

that is why they cannot logically think about wha


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

MyPainandHurt said:


> FTP. You are right, all of our stories are so similar in terms of the script our WS have been saying. It's like they are all reading from the same play book!
> 
> They don't want to be the bad person, they don't want to be the reason why we are experiencing the devastation and hurt, so they deflect all of their actions onto the BS to the point that the conversation is infantile. Past conversation with spouse:
> 
> ...


Yeah... none of his justifications/reasons were logical by any stretch of the imagination.

Whatever. I don't care anymore. Seriously, I don't think I care anymore. I was thinking how I should, or could, respond to your comment, and I realized, I DON'T CARE ANYMORE! This feels really freaking good, actually, especially after the weekend that I had.

My cousin got married this past weekend, and it was the first time that any of my family has seen me since the split. So during the reception, EVERYONE wanted to check on me and see how I was doing, but they all wanted to do it one-on-one (or married couple-on-one), and so I just kept having the same conversation over and over and OVER again. So I was drinking a lot.

AND I had to tell my grandfather, because my mom hadn't told her parents yet. And in my family, if you have bad news, you tell Pap-Pap and then HE tells Grandma. So, that was hard.

It was a little cathartic, but I was a little irritated because there was a hot guy that seemed into me, and I wanted that distraction, and I only got to dance with him once. I did get to hang out with him at the after party, but I was tipsy by then -- too tipsy for anything to happen. And he lives in Norway, so THAT's never gonna happen.

But what was really interesting is that Sunday morning, during the brunch, I went for a walk with my father, and we had a real heart-to-heart. He and I haven't really talked about any of this -- he's been getting most of the news second-hand through my mother -- so I also haven't gotten his perspective on any of this.

Turns out, while Dad likes STBXH, he never thought STBXH was good enough for me, and he was concerned that my STBXH's plans for a restaurant were underdeveloped. He doubted that my STBXH had the stamina and work ethic to actually open his own place, and that even if STBXH opened his own place, my dad worried that my STBXH wouldn't have the drive and work ethic to be successful and would ruin me financially. Dad thinks I'm much better off on my own.

Dads have a good way of putting things in perspective. Especially b/c my STBXH has put all these restaurant plans on hold indefinitely, several times over, and it's always been my fault. First because I wanted to go to graduate school; next because I got a promotion and we had to wait and relocate; then because I didn't want to co-sign a business loan; and now because of the split. Like my dad said, if he really wanted to do it, why wasn't he DOING IT? He was making no concrete plans or clear steps forward in that direction, but he always blamed the delay on me.

My dad doesn't make his opinion known very frequently. He keeps a lot to himself - my mom generally talks loud enough and is opinionated enough for the both of him - so I know that if he thought this out and was actually saying it to me, he feels very strongly about this. He chooses very carefully what it is he reveals, and I think he made an excellent point, and it was one of the most well-thought-out responses to my divorce that I've heard from a family member thus far.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

peakguy said:


> I had an odd dream about "her" last night also. One of those where you wake up and it takes a few minutes to realize it was a dream.
> 
> Good luck with wisdom teeth tomorrow!


Oh, and so I never got the two other wisdom teeth out (was supposed to be last Thursday). The dentist decided that he wants them to come in a little more before he pulls them. Who knows how long THAT will take? But at least my teeth are squeaky clean now!

 <--- me with my squeaky clean teeth!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I'm just including a little update here. 

I've been doing well, for the most part, but yesterday and this morning have been really difficult. Yesterday was (would have been?) our 6-yr wedding anniversary. I knew it would probably be a difficulty day, so I made a point to make all-day plans with an old friend to go first for brunch and then on to the Renaissance Fair.

Which would have all been well and good, except that some guy t-boned my car when I was on the way to pick up my friend. Luckily, no one was injured, and the car isn't too badly damaged, but it meant that I had to call my STBXH, b/c it's HIS CAR. The last thing I wanted to do yesterday was think about him at all, let alone talk to him.

At least the first thing he asked was, "Are you OK?"

I did eventually make it to RenFest with my friend, which was fun, but I had to get her home early b/c she's a very early riser, and I headed for home early enough to go grocery shopping and watch a movie before bed.

But what hit me this morning was this... aside from my friend who went with me to RenFest, no one checked on me yesterday to see if I was doing OK. Not about the accident - I mean emotionally. My friends and family are all very supportive when I reach out to them, but they never just call to check on me, to see how I'm doing. It would have meant a lot to me yesterday if they had.

It makes me feel very lonely. They say one of the hardest things about being a strong person is that no one ever stops to ask if you're OK. And sometimes it's the asking that's important; even if you ARE OK, even if you don't need help, it's nice to know that people care enough to ask or offer. I think that's the most difficult thing about all of this, especially after being neglected by my STBXH for such a long time.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Sorry to hear about lack of checking on you on your anniversary by friends and family. One thing I've noticed, is aside from TAM and other people IRL that are going thru a breakup, my friends and family have fatigue of hearing about the divorce and breakup. I think there is an assumption of I should be over it, or there just isn't anything new to say. Even my sister who was checking on me a couple times a week, doesn't really ask anymore. It gets to be old news, particularly if there isn't new drama to keep people interested. Dealing with the heartbreak can take a long time and although we feel that acutely, those around us don't really appreciate how the ache goes on, in peaks and valleys for months or longer.

I hope you're doing ok today.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

angstire said:


> Sorry to hear about lack of checking on you on your anniversary by friends and family. One thing I've noticed, is aside from TAM and other people IRL that are going thru a breakup, my friends and family have fatigue of hearing about the divorce and breakup. I think there is an assumption of I should be over it, or there just isn't anything new to say. Even my sister who was checking on me a couple times a week, doesn't really ask anymore. It gets to be old news, particularly if there isn't new drama to keep people interested. Dealing with the heartbreak can take a long time and although we feel that acutely, those around us don't really appreciate how the ache goes on, in peaks and valleys for months or longer.
> 
> I hope you're doing ok today.


Thanks for your note 

See, that's the thing -- I HAVEN'T been talking about it very much, b/c I've been very cognizant of how much I'm talking about it - I don't want to be a broken record. And because I DON'T talk about it that much, I think people just assume that everything's OK?

It's weird, the only person who regularly asks how I'm doing is my boss. 

I'm trying to do OK today. Meh.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

So yesterday started rough, but it definitely got better...

I started a new (short) thread here:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/122938-they-broke-up.html


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> See, that's the thing -- I HAVEN'T been talking about it very much, b/c I've been very cognizant of how much I'm talking about it - I don't want to be a broken record. And because I DON'T talk about it that much, I think people just assume that everything's OK?
> 
> It's weird, the only person who regularly asks how I'm doing is my boss.
> 
> I'm trying to do OK today. Meh.


Hope you're having a better day today. 

I do tell pretty much everyone about what happened. I'm pretty much an open book. My friends and family obviously know everything and we've sort of beaten it to death but stbxh always ends up doing something to cause everyone to say "wtf?". That usually triggers another round of discussion. 

I recently went back to work and slowly but surely the story is out which is fine. I answer all questions and it has made me bond with these people pretty quickly. It's amazing some of the stories I hear from them about similar experiences.

People on here obviously can understand the most. After all we're all going through pretty much the same or similar circumstances. That's what makes this place so great.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Having a MUCH better day today 

I'm an open book -- if people ASK. If someone mentions my STBXH, I say something along the lines of, "I'm sure he's fine, but I wouldn't know, since we're getting divorced." And then they say something like, "I'm so sorry." And I reply, "Please don't be - it's for the best." That's usually sufficient, but if people ask, I answer their questions. Some people LOVE hearing all the details (let's be honest, people love a train wreck), and I'm perfectly willing to take advantage of their ear.

The most helpful in-real-life people have been those who've been divorced, which haven't been so easy to find. Among (most of) my friends, I was one of the first to get married, and I'm now the first to get divorced, so many of them don't know what to say. 

But my two best friends have been AWESOME. One of them, after everything that happened in August, when I told her that we were DEFINITELY getting divorced, she said, "Ok, so what do you need me to say right now? Should I just listen, should I say what a jerk he is, or should I tell you how this is a good thing for you? Because I want to give you the support that you want right now, now what I think you need." That was awesome, really awesome.

(BTW, I told her she should just say whatever she wanted, because all I really wanted was her honest opinion. And she let loose about how she never thought he was good enough for me, and that the way he treated me during the marriage really p*ssed her off, and that she thought I was so much better off without him. And it turns out, in that moment, her complete honesty was exactly what I needed to hear.)

But here, on TAM, I hear other people's stories, and they are SO similar to mine, it's uncanny. And that's great, not because misery loves company, but because it affirms that I'M NOT CRAZY. I'm not imagining this sh*t. Without that, I think I would be constantly doubting myself and what I believe I experienced. Without that, I would be blaming myself, replaying every scene, trying to figure out what I could have done differently, asking why I wasn't enough, etc, etc. TAM has helped me immensely with the healing process.


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## backik (Mar 12, 2009)

It sucks to hear that you went through all of that stuff on your anniversary but you handle it pretty well. 

Although you're slightly disappointed that your friends didn't call to support you on that day, you have to see that it's also an uncomfortable topic for them as well. Just as someone else mentioned earlier, friends literally just don't know what to say. 

I'm also one of the first few in my group of friends to get married, let alone divorced so sharing how I'm feeling with them all the time makes me feel like a total wet blanket. I'm right there with you! 

A few weeks ago was my wedding anniversary and my friend took me out for dinner and drinks. I got drunk but shared some laughs and a good time. Haha


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Good posts, FIB.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

backik said:


> It sucks to hear that you went through all of that stuff on your anniversary but you handle it pretty well.
> 
> Although you're slightly disappointed that your friends didn't call to support you on that day, you have to see that it's also an uncomfortable topic for them as well. Just as someone else mentioned earlier, friends literally just don't know what to say.
> 
> ...


Very good point RE: them not knowing what to say. I'm pretty sure that's why my parents don't really call to check on me. We have this pattern where they think, "If FemInPink has a problem, she'll call us. If we don't hear from her, she's OK." (My mom had a VERY hands-off approach to parenting.) And they just don't know what to say; they have no experience with this, and can count on one hand the number of couples they know who've divorced.

My life experiences have taken me so far from anything my mother can understand, it's almost impossible for us to relate to 
one another anymore. It's weird. For example, when I initially told my mom that we were separating, back in February, she said something along the lines of, "Well, you are lucky to live at a time where you no longer need a man to define who you are or support you." And I thought, _Well, that's not really what this is about, but thanks?_ And two weeks ago, I was telling her I've been so worked up/stressed over the last two months that I've lost 15#, and she responds by saying, "That's great! I recently just lost 12 lbs." And I thought, _Good for you, but the weight loss was unintentional on my part, and I'm telling you this so you will understand how stressful this has been for me, so you decide to change the subject to how much weight you've lost recently?_ So, I guess it's best that my parents didn't call to check on me...

Anyway, I would have gotten drunk, but since I had to work the next morning... and getting drunk might have led me to feeling really bad about myself, so it's probably best that I didn't.


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