# Husband was talking to someone on Plenty of Fish



## wtd1234 (Oct 22, 2021)

Hi. This is my very first post and today I found out that my husband talked to a girl on Plenty of Fish about two years ago, a year and a half after being married. We had an 8th month old then. We were living in a different state but due to some curcumstances, I had to go back to our hometown to work for a few months. In those few months, he talked to a girl on POF for about a week. He said he never met with her and did anything physical. He said all they did was talk. He said that he was feeling so low that time which is why he did that. I am very hurt. From what I know that’s not who he is, but now everything feels like its all a lie. I am so hurt and so lost. I would leave him if not only for our child. I guess I’m here to get advice on what to do or what you have done if you’ve experienced this before. I’m just so lost.


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## Supermoon (Oct 21, 2021)

Something similar happened to me, but before I was actually married.. how did you find out? Or did he come outright and tell you?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Ask him why he didn’t “just talk” with you.

Did their messages indicate any sort of in-person contact?


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

I don't want to be negative, but just some thoughts here, 
1. He created an account, which is very deliberate
2. He actively searched for women to talk to, but I imagine he was looking for more than that
3. He is denying your reality, and making excuses...he's not really sorry

*Did he ever articulate why he was feeling 'low'? I don't buy it, I hope that you don't.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

wtd1234 said:


> Hi. This is my very first post and today I found out that my husband talked to a girl on Plenty of Fish about two years ago, a year and a half after being married. We had an 8th month old then. We were living in a different state but due to some curcumstances, I had to go back to our hometown to work for a few months. In those few months, he talked to a girl on POF for about a week. He said he never met with her and did anything physical. He said all they did was talk. He said that he was feeling so low that time which is why he did that. I am very hurt. From what I know that’s not who he is, but now everything feels like its all a lie. I am so hurt and so lost. I would leave him if not only for our child. I guess I’m here to get advice on what to do or what you have done if you’ve experienced this before. I’m just so lost.


How did you find out? Did you read their communication?


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Seems like he has poor coping mechanisms. I too am curious in how you found out. What he was 'feeling low' about and why he couldn't communicate with you. Are either of you in therapy?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

He’s lying. You were gone and he figured he could get sex from someone else while you were away.
A lot of effort needs to be made to create an account. He purposely made those steps knowing it would hurt you.

why would you stay when your husband purposely took steps to hurt you?


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

wtd1234 said:


> Hi. This is my very first post and today I found out that my husband talked to a girl on Plenty of Fish about two years ago, a year and a half after being married. We had an 8th month old then. We were living in a different state but due to some curcumstances, I had to go back to our hometown to work for a few months. In those few months, he talked to a girl on POF for about a week. He said he never met with her and did anything physical. He said all they did was talk. He said that he was feeling so low that time which is why he did that. I am very hurt. From what I know that’s not who he is, but now everything feels like its all a lie. I am so hurt and so lost. I would leave him if not only for our child. I guess I’m here to get advice on what to do or what you have done if you’ve experienced this before. I’m just so lost.


Understand how you feel , a similar situation currently happens to me . I get the pain you feel for the deception.
He broke your trust . And if you’re situation is like mine , I never imagined him doing such a thing so it hurts even more because we are in shock of what happened and in disbelief
You have to talk to him about it and see where he is if it was some thing he just did out of curiosity where is this an ongoing situation find out his purpose and intent and then at the same time find out whether it’s some thing you want to work on to stay with him or is it hopeless and you need to MoveOn
Only you can determine where your relationship is heading and whether it’s fixable or not. Currently I’m still very hurt about what happened with my situation and I have a hard time dealing with it every day I struggle to not be angry I struggle to not be insecure it hits you very hard in the coming days after so brace yourself and be strong
Try to remember that this is a situation he created you did not do anything wrong so don’t feel that you did discuss the situation and find out what he he wants to do and why he went about this this way
I highly suggest if you’re able to seek professional counseling something like this happening you need more support for yourself whether it’s someone professional a family member or a friend you need to be able to vent in someway and I suppose this forum is doing that as well
Set a while and really think about whether the relationship it’s something you can fix whether it’s going anywhere whether this is just a one time thing find out so that you know which way to go best of luck to you


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## wtd1234 (Oct 22, 2021)

Supermoon said:


> Something similar happened to me, but before I was actually married.. how did you find out? Or did he come outright and tell you?


i found out we were looking through his blocked list of people of fb and when i asked about who she was he started acting weird and thats when i started to become suspicious. It took a few days for me to have courage and really talk to him and ask him who she is and he told me. I guess if I didnt find out he will never tell me about it .


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## wtd1234 (Oct 22, 2021)

GusPolinski said:


> Ask him why he didn’t “just talk” with you.
> 
> Did their messages indicate any sort of in-person contact?


it doesnt seem like they did i messaged the girl very professionally so I can also know things from her side. Still waiting on a reply


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

What he did was not good but at this point it was 2 years ago. Express to him how hurt you are. Extract a promise from him that he will stay off dating apps. Then brainstorm with him about ways to make your marriage stronger now. 

If all that doesn't work, seek out a marriage counselor to help you get past the hurt & learn to trust him again.

Don't hold your breath on her responding back to you. No matter how nicely worded your message in her shoes, there is no way I'd walk into that hornet's nest 2 years later. It's not worth the drama to her. Even if nothing happened she doesn't care enough about you or him -- some guy she talked to for a week 2 freakin' years ago -- to waste her time allying your fears.


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## wtd1234 (Oct 22, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> Understand how you feel , a similar situation currently happens to me . I get the pain you feel for the deception.
> He broke your trust . And if you’re situation is like mine , I never imagined him doing such a thing so it hurts even more because we are in shock of what happened and in disbelief
> You have to talk to him about it and see where he is if it was some thing he just did out of curiosity where is this an ongoing situation find out his purpose and intent and then at the same time find out whether it’s some thing you want to work on to stay with him or is it hopeless and you need to MoveOn
> Only you can determine where your relationship is heading and whether it’s fixable or not. Currently I’m still very hurt about what happened with my situation and I have a hard time dealing with it every day I struggle to not be angry I struggle to not be insecure it hits you very hard in the coming days after so brace yourself and be strong
> ...


Thank you so much for this. i hope one day we can be fully healed from this. He has never showed any signs of anything else the years after but its hard to know and trust again 😢


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

wtd1234 said:


> Thank you so much for this. i hope one day we can be fully healed from this. He has never showed any signs of anything else the years after but its hard to know and trust again 😢


Absolutely. You have given trust all these years and all of a sudden it’s taken away in a blink of an eye it is shocking and at the same time extremely disappointing, I understand that feeling and I still struggle right now each and every day to find the courage to trust again.For me however because I chose to want to fix the marriage because we’ve been together for so many years and I still have a glimmer of hope in it somewhere I have defined a way to work on this trust and yet still be mindful and watchful of what happens throughout this time of healing.
If you choose to fix to marriage or work on it you have to be aware and see that he is changing aware that whatever it was in your relationship prior to this is somewhat gone you are now dealing with starting over from scratch and rebuilding the trust and love that you have for each other the bond prior has been broken and there is no way you can really mend that truly mend it, you will have to rebuild new trust and technically a new kind of relationship in order to move forward don’t expect to mend That old relationship for me that old relationship is done and over with because the trust is already broken from that point. I am now for myself creating new memories and your relationship and new ways to move forward, I hope that you will look into this and find what works best for you because only you can make that decision


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It is worse than cheating with some person that one met in everyday life and happened to spend time with professionally or other legitimate reasons and became too close without realizing it and chose to have an affair.
Your husband ACTIVELY SOUGHT OUT an affair partner, for no reason other than opportunity. I’d never trust that person again. To trust them would be stupid.
You’ll have to choose how to handle that yourself.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Have a polygraph done on him.

mid bet money it isn’t the first time he’s done that. You can’t trust him. So there is no foundation for the marriage to heal or move forward.
What has he done to help you? To earn your trust back?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

It's no coincidence it's after the arrival of a baby. That's kind of a common pattern. 

Marriage counseling would be a good idea, if you can find a really good counselor.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> It is worse than cheating with some person that one met in everyday life and happened to spend time with professionally or other legitimate reasons and became too close without realizing it and chose to have an affair.
> Your husband ACTIVELY SOUGHT OUT an affair partner, for no reason other than opportunity. I’d never trust that person again. To trust them would be stupid.
> You’ll have to choose how to handle that yourself.


not necessarily.
maybe he only wanted to have flirty conversations with women he found attractive. His whole goal might have only to get some sexting going on. If you found some communications like "my wife is traveling, i really want to meet up with you....", then it is the full nine yards of cheating. Otherwise, he just might just be a perving other women.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Beach123 said:


> Have a polygraph done on him.
> 
> mid bet money it isn’t the first time he’s done that. You can’t trust him. So there is no foundation for the marriage to heal or move forward.
> What has he done to help you? To earn your trust back?


once again, i would have the polygraph focus on if he ever physically met any of these women, even just for a cup of coffee. also, how many different women he contacted would be good to know, to understand the severity of his issues.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

wtd1234 said:


> Hi. This is my very first post and today I found out that my husband talked to a girl on Plenty of Fish about two years ago, a year and a half after being married. We had an 8th month old then. We were living in a different state but due to some curcumstances, I had to go back to our hometown to work for a few months. In those few months, he talked to a girl on POF for about a week. He said he never met with her and did anything physical. He said all they did was talk. He said that he was feeling so low that time which is why he did that. I am very hurt. From what I know that’s not who he is, but now everything feels like its all a lie. I am so hurt and so lost. I would leave him if not only for our child. I guess I’m here to get advice on what to do or what you have done if you’ve experienced this before. I’m just so lost.


Was he stressed about his marriage?


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

I believe he also would have had to pay to chat, based on what I heard one can't do much but look around on those sites unless you pay the subscription fee

Sent from my SM-G988U using Tapatalk


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

wtd1234 said:


> Hi. This is my very first post and today I found out that my husband talked to a girl on Plenty of Fish about two years ago, a year and a half after being married. We had an 8th month old then. We were living in a different state but due to some curcumstances, I had to go back to our hometown to work for a few months. In those few months, he talked to a girl on POF for about a week. He said he never met with her and did anything physical. He said all they did was talk. He said that he was feeling so low that time which is why he did that. I am very hurt. From what I know that’s not who he is, but now everything feels like its all a lie. I am so hurt and so lost. I would leave him if not only for our child. I guess I’m here to get advice on what to do or what you have done if you’ve experienced this before. I’m just so lost.


So factoring your child in is 'good' until you realize that your child deserves a happy mom and an example of a good relationship. What your husband has done is cheating. How much cheating is acceptable in your mind?

Only you can determine where you line is and if you really feel something has changed now or is he the same sad sap and will just use the next excuse to do it again.

Second figure out exactly what happened. Cheaters tend to lie. Only tell you what they think you know. explain it away and blame it on you. 

I also recommend a polygraph you normally get 3 questions. Something like
1. Have you contacted more than one girl on any media or messaging app since we have been married to flirt or talk?
2. Have you kissed or touched in a sexual way anyone other than me since we have been married?
3. Did you have the intention of meeting up with any woman since we have been married?

If you choose to stay AFTER you find our the answers to the questions then you need to read about strengthening the relationship and both of you need to have boundaries. Like his phone should be open for you to look anytime you want. 

There's a book called divorce busters I think.


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