# MIL issues...



## marie080203 (Dec 31, 2009)

Hi...completely new here, but, my husband and I are trying to work out an issue and are looking for advice anywhere we can get some...we have been married for 6 years and have lived together for 10 years. We are very much in love and we show it to each other everyday...we have a lot of respect for each other...passion...help each other out...etc..etc. My family LOVES him so much and treat him like he is as much a part of the family as my brother and sister. So really everything is great except that his family has never shown the same for me. His parents and sister resent me for having "taken him from the family" and I have faced annimosity from them for 10 years now. His mother is hateful to me and spreads rumors in our small town (where I run a daycare) that are completely unjustified. I tried so hard for a long time to "grin and bare it", but just cant stand to even see her face anymore. She has made things so bad for me with the family that I just want to cut her out of our lives. However, I realize this is not fair to my husband and would not ask him to do so (he understands my feelings...but doesnt think its right to cut out any family...he is very much a family guy). The problem is that he wants to carry on a relationship with his mother and I cant help but feel stabbed in the back by him whenever he talks to her...

What do we do??? We both want the other to be happy and nobody wants to do anything that will make the other feel resentment...but we cant seem to come to an agreement. 

Anybody been through this???


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hey this is a tough one, it would be ideal if your husband could speak to his mother and tell her that this kind of treatment of his wife is unacceptable to him and that she must stop.
He should limit his time with her if it does not change. The mother should know that if she continues this and doesn't accept you that he will not be able to continue his relationship with her.
He should stand behind you now..
Or maybe the 2 of you could go and have a talk with the mom and sister and clear the air, find out what their problem is with you.
Tell them that the 2 of you are willing to work things out for a better relationship for all of you..
good luck, this is a tough one


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## marie080203 (Dec 31, 2009)

He has spoken to his mother many times...as have I and I am convinced nothing will ever change. When we talk to her she swears up and down that she didnt do these things (she is a compulsive liar and is bipolar) and just loves me so much and then the next week she does something really mean again. (And we both KNOW it is her doing them...we have evidence). I also have to admit that he has limited his time with his mother...he rarely visits and only talks to her about once or twice a month. But we do fight about it a lot lately. He does not agree with the things she has done but his father cut his mother out of his life and now regrets it (too late to change it she has passed) and my husband doesnt want to make the same mistake. But everytime we argue about her I feel more resentment towards her and even towards my husband about the whole thing. Ugh...just dont know how to fix it.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Boy I feel for you, it really sucks that this issue hangs over the 2 of you, if you feel you have done everything you can I'm not sure how you can fix things, you could decide to cut her completely out of your life and just accept that he will continue to see her. And just understand that this is the way it will be. Don't let her come between the two of you, that's what she wants, if she sees it is not working maybe she will stop. Don't let her to that to you, and it looks like you are falling for it and letting her add stress to your relationship. Just tell yourself you won't stoop to her level and be the best wife you can be and understand that your husband loves his mother but you don't have to, just chose to be the better person


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

One couple I know had it so bad they moved more than 2000 miles away to get clear of the in-laws.

You might not have to do that, of course: if you could make it seem credible that you were _thinking_ about doing it for real, that might get the result you want. If your husband works for a big company that might transfer him if he asked, or if he/you found job opportunities somewhere else, you could just give the appearance of thinking it over. When the MIL finds out and objects, you could just say "The entire time we've been married you've been trying to drive me away. You spread lies and gossip to ruin my reputation here. I thought you'd be happy once we were gone from your life. Isn't this what you've been wanting for years?"


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## Holding Pattern (Dec 31, 2009)

We're an example of the couple mentioned by artieb. We moved 2,000 miles away to escape the drama - we did not take into consideration email, facebook, home phone, cell phone, and astral projection (the last is a joke, I think - I do have a theory about MIL haunting me)

Sometimes there is nothing you can do about the resentment and lies - they are a part of the woman and it is her impaired judgment.

Just being honest.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

If you've noticed her hateful and irrational behavior, then you have to know that others have too.

It's really about her reputation, not yours.

Jut limit your time with her and know you are dealing with a disturbed individual.

If your H wants to go visit, then fine, let him. It's still his mom and he's coped with her bizarre nature his whole life. 

However, don't feel obligated to go with him.


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