# Handling this MIL scenario



## Vababy (Sep 8, 2011)

I will skip alot of my troubles with this FMIL...and just get straight to the point...but I will say that its been three years of hell...


I mean...to sum it up...she will send me a gift here and there...but she still does very underhanded things and makes subliminal comments to me or outright comments to him. She tried calling again at one point...but I kept it texts since I knew she loved to go back and exaggerate storylines to my fiance or whomever(can't really lie about something in writing right?). I send her bday cards...christmas cards...mothers day cards...I do acknowledge her, but I have backed away from any relationship with her. I don't even allow them to call or text me complaining about him because it's not my place and I tell them they should definitely call him to sort out the matters.


When it comes to his mother, she essentially has decided to use the excuse that because I am overproctective of our little girl and if she can't spend the time that she wants to that she won't spend time with her at all. She smokes weed with her children, she's always fighting, one of her best friends children went missing and my MIL was all on the news, she has a tongue ring and lip ring...and while it might be slightly judgmental...I do not get that image of allowing a mature grandmother keep my daughter from her, so no...you can't spend a day/days alone with her without me being there. However, my fiance was legally signed over by his mother and raised by his grandmother because his mom and dad spent most his childhood in mental hospitals and on hard drugs. His mom took him back when he was 13/14 but he didnt stay long and only moved back for a few months after graduation. Even when she came back for her children, she still never really parented them I don't believe. However, when she came back...she gave her children different stories on why she gave them up which they still accept to this day...the true story was given to me by her own sister and his grandmother. Essentially my MIL is not liked by many people including her own family and I think at times my fiance deals with her out of pure obligation and his desire to never lose her again. Anyway, I choose to monitor what LITTLE time they have spent with my daughter simply because I don't know them that well

Anyway...I've given you the background...so she recently sent birthday gifts for my daughter. I normally could care less but I was actually excited to see what new toys she had and to let her open them. Growing up in the military, my parents always allowed me to open packages from family as they came, so I've never seen the big deal. Apparently she told my fiance she did not want the gifts open until her birthday because she wanted to watch her open the gifts via Skype. Being that he hadn't even communicated with me that she was even sending a package, I just got a package on our doorstep one day, I allowed my daughter to open them especially since my fiance was out of town on a job and didn't think he'd even be home for her bday. When I texted her to thank her so much for the kind gifts and all the thought she put into it...she started getting upset...yet she really didn't go off on me...she instead was blaming my fiance and she was crying so she said. I called her to apologize 
because I didn't know those were her wishes and had I known ahead of time...I would have never opened them. So I did my best to make sure she was okay...even though I thought it was all incredibly stupid to make a scene over. 

Well.....a few days ago...I was looking in his phone and I read the messages she sent...what she told him was that "shes so effing stupid...she does stupid things...common sense! that is a federal offense to open your mail...it didn't have her name on it. wtf would she open it? wtf didnt she wait for you to open it as a family? Shes texting me right now...I'm ignoring her...I'm so mad right now..." that's not all she said...it's really all I can remember, but in every message she was calling me a name and going off about it. 

He and I both offered to let her skype with the baby on her bday...she declined as she told us she had deleted her account because she was so angry, so she told us to send a picture instead. 

I don't care that she treats her children like that and they all get over it. After seeing those messages...I am really tired of her shenanigans and most of all how hurtful she truly is. I want nothing more to do with her, and I am also very livid with my fiance simply because if ever stood up for me as he was supposed to...his mom would know better than to say such mean and unnecessary things concerning me. I'm fed up with him and with her, and I told him last night I'm considering leaving because before I fight with him another day over his mother...I will leave. I'm thinking about the Christian thing to do...but the human thing to do is to telling me to stop dealing with her all together because she's completely unhealthy for me. I never grew up like this...my parents would never treat me like that and my parents don't and know better than to treat my fiance like that...I'm really mentally and emotionally tired of his mom...I had learned to deal with her over the last few months and she has phased me little for a long time...but now enough is enough...I want nothing more to do with her. NOTHING yet I still feel as though I'm thinking as Christ would.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

The purpose of the gifts were to celebrate your daughter's birthday.. Now a simple misunderstanding has made it about Grandma's ego. I can understand her upset - to a point - but being as she did not communicate her wishes to you, she also contributed to the misunderstanding. She assigns blame so she can be a victim, and it is unlikely she will assume responsibility for her feelings without professional counseling. I think the best way to handle her is to not take anything personally. She probably treats everyone the same as you (welcome to the family)! I'm not religious, so I can not give you that perspective, but I'm sure you can seek spiritual advisors in your area. I wish you luck, I know from experience that these types are difficult to handle. (My ex-fiance was in a position similar to your husband's - he was raised in foster care with his sister before she was able to get them back. She now raises/has custody of her daughter's daughter). How this happens is beyond me. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vababy (Sep 8, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> The purpose of the gifts were to celebrate your daughter's birthday.. Now a simple misunderstanding has made it about Grandma's ego. I can understand her upset - to a point - but being as she did not communicate her wishes to you, she also contributed to the misunderstanding. She assigns blame so she can be a victim, and it is unlikely she will assume responsibility for her feelings without professional counseling. I think the best way to handle her is to not take anything personally. She probably treats everyone the same as you (welcome to the family)! I'm not religious, so I can not give you that perspective, but I'm sure you can seek spiritual advisors in your area. I wish you luck, I know from experience that these types are difficult to handle. (My ex-fiance was in a position similar to your husband's - he was raised in foster care with his sister before she was able to get them back. She now raises/has custody of her daughter's daughter). How this happens is beyond me. :/
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



LOL! Thank you so very much for your advice as it has helped me feel less guilty of my own feelings concerning her and how to possibly deal with her.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

You did the best you could. She is just going to dwell and be a victim, no matter how many times you say you are sorry. It has officially become HER problem, not yours.


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