# I want to visit my parents. Alone.



## modernknight (Apr 24, 2015)

As I start to regain control over my life in my relationship I am taking steps to do some of things that I want to do instead of avoiding them because my girlfriend may/will have a problem with them.

I won't go into huge background to our relationship because if you don't know me from my other posts here, you can take a read of them to get up to speed.

The first step in regaining control was to do something I had wanted to do for a long time: a German language course (at my work, with four other colleagues, for 1 hour per week). After living here for six years with a German girlfriend I had not taken a course as she always discouraged me from doing it for various reasons which probably originate from fear and insecurity. 
I started the course last week. Doing so was met with criticism, emotional abuse, and a lot of conflict. Things were made even worse when my girlfriend found out that the German teacher is a woman. However, I stood my ground, maintained my calm, responded with empathy and compassion as best I could and am still continuing the course this week.

I'm preparing to take the next step in regaining control of my life and doing something I have wanted to do for a long time: visit my parents, in England; alone. 
Usually I visit with my girlfriend. She has always objected to me visiting on my own citing various reasons (e.g. it's not fair to leave her on her own, she claims married couples or long term couples only do this together, reminds me that I said we would always go together----I think I might have to avoid conflict).

When we go together she doesn't want to stay at my parents so we end up in a hotel. So it all gets very expensive for me because she can not afford to pay her half. She also doesn't like to spend too much time with them, meaning so we only see them for a few hours here and a few hours there. So I come away from a weekend visit to them feeling like I've barely seen them! If I go alone I can stay at my parents and spend more quality time with them. I don't have to worry about pleasing her and it's far more affordable (basically just the cost of one return flight instead of 2 returns flights, plus hotel, plus car rental--my parents can pick me up at airport).

I want to go alone because I can spend far more quality time with them compared to if she comes along.

Why am I writing here? Because as I try to regain control over my life I see that what is right and what is wrong are choices for me to make but I'm still under her spell and I still am seeking out approval of other people. 

I'd like to ask the question here to get opinions. For both married couples--and long time couples who are unmarried but living together several years--is it okay/fair/acceptable/etc for one of them to fly to the country their parents live in to spend a weekend with their parents alone?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Of course it's OK for you to do that! 

So, you live in Germany, don't speak German, and your girlfriend has practically forbidden you to learn the language up until now? 

Are you the same poster on the endless quest to find an apartment acceptable to her?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

In my opinion, of course. My husband has visited his parents in France without me, say as part of a business trip or with our kids, several times. Tbh, I prefer it. I don't really like going to their farm, and the talk is always about people I don't know or topics I am not really familiar with, anyway. I feel like he is doing his duty and I do not have to be a part of it. 

You might tell her you are making plans, and you are open to her input, say if there is a weekend she absolutely does not want you to go you will try to work around it. But you need to gently insist you will be going. Be patient if she gets angry--and buy your ticket anyway. 

I am not really sure what she is afraid of, just like I am not sure what you were afraid of when she was at that party once without you. I guess patiently and kindly listening to each other, while doing what you each need to do to feel like independent adults, would probably work best.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

This is the first I have read of your story.

11 years married hsre. Your GF sounds incredibly controlling. Yes, it is more than okay to visit parents alone.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

mk... I have followed all of your threads. I think it's great that you are standing up for yourself and doing what you know is best for you.

Stay strong. By all means go visit your parents and have a great time .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Good for you. I prefer my husband to visit his mother by himself. That way the two of them can talk. And she lives across the street. Lol

Good to see you standing up for yourself. Now be firm and don't make her guilt you into anything. Go enjoy a few days with your parent, every one has the right to do that.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My ex-husband didn't enjoy traveling back home to see his family or mine. Over the decades we were together, I didn't spend as much time there as I wanted although I did go a few times on my own. My parents are gone now and, yes, I wish I had spent more time with them when I had the opportunity. 

Go without your girlfriend. It's more enjoyable when you don't have to be concerned about your partner not having a good time (and in her case it sounds like she just wants an excuse to travel to England -- not to see your parents).


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## modernknight (Apr 24, 2015)

I spoke to her about it. My heart was thumping and I was shaking in the end.

The conversation went something like:
me: "I feel like I didn't get much time with my parents when we last visited" (that was in August--the last time was last year in March!!)
her: "yeah, you didn't get much time at all"
me: "We're not going to see them over christmas, I'd love to have some quality time with them"
her: "yes, i understand. that would be good"
me: "i'm thinking about going for a weekend. maybe in october. We could find a date where it would be okay for me to away for the weekend"
her: "you mean alone?"
me: "yes, that way we wouldn't be in a hotel, I could go there on a friday night, wake up on the sat and have breakfast with them, spend the whole time with them and come back on sunday"
her: "you said that we would always go together"
me: "i said that i wanted us to go together but we also spoke about the occasional time that i visit them".
silence.
the mood descended.
more silence.
then the statements from her like
"i'm really sad about this"
"you agreed we would always go together"
"you don't want me to come with you"
"we had quality time with them before" (no we did not)
"you can go and have the whole christmas with them!" said moodily.
"you are always changing things"
"i could come with you and sit in the garden while you have time with your parents" (which makes me feel guilty as hell. i feel so bad. so guilty. like a liar who changes what he said).
"they never come to visit us"
"they don't call you enough. they don't care about you. why should you do this for them?" (i think i said that i'd love them to visit or call more but i would love quality time with them regardless of that and don't want to look back on my life when they're gone and regret not spending time with them--they are in their mid 60's).
and so on
I'm sure that soon I'll hear how all her friends/family think that I'm wrong.
then i dropped her off at her work.

I feel that she has a point about changing and not wanting her to come with me. but i want some quality time with my parents. i feel controlled. i feel like i have no freedom. i'm still shaking. why does it have to be so difficult?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

And you are with this woman WHY???

Go see your parents, alone!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You've obviously got far bigger problems than occasionally wanting to see your parents alone.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

modernknight said:


> "they don't call you enough. they don't care about you. why should you do this for them?"


This is so not cool. 

DON'T CAVE. If she starts guilt-tripping you, you can say, yes, I did change my mind. People do and can change their minds. I'm sure she's done it, too. If she asks why, tell her.

Good for you. Go and see your parents and have a great time!:grin2:


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Don't cave on this one. As a couple I think vacations together are the norm. But visiting your parents alone, of course! 

Have you suggested something SHE could do alone in the meantime? i.e. "Why don't you go visit your sister?" or something like that. Also explain to her that you care about her feelings and don't want her to be bored and when she is with you, since she is the non-family member, you feel obliged to be certain to include her and you really just want some one-on-one time with them.

Either she's controlling (which comments about previous posts suggest this) or she's needy. Either way this is a perfectly fine trip to take alone. Go and enjoy. The comments she makes are quite passive aggressive - there are books about dealing with PA personalities. Might be worth a look.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

You know Knight, on your last thread you ask, is she isolating me? I thought may be not , she is controlling but I don't think so.

However, after just reading your new post here. Red flags start flying in the winds.

Have you ever read up on the signs of how the abuser starts working his/her method. 

Well, was one of the classic sign is ISOLATION. They, do this by telling you that, you family does not love you. They don't care. They don't want to visit you or see you. The abuser then, tries to instill this thought in your head, until it becomes your reality. Suddenly, you see all the wrongs your parents have done, they don't love or care for you. 
The abuser becomes the only person who loves you and cares for you. They become your whole world because your parents and friends are pushed to the side and long forgotten.

Then, the abuse starts. 

Don't let this become you. Don't let anyone tell you that your parents don't love or care for you. Go see your parents, you need to surround your self with people who love you. Maybe, then, you can see what is happening to you

Please find the courage to leave this relationship. Its not going to get better. Leave and then, work on yourself so that you never fall into a trap like this again.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Don't cave on this one. As a couple I think vacations together are the norm. But visiting your parents alone, of course!
> 
> Have you suggested something SHE could do alone in the meantime? i.e. "Why don't you go visit your sister?" or something like that. Also explain to her that you care about her feelings and don't want her to be bored and when she is with you, since she is the non-family member, you feel obliged to be certain to include her and you really just want some one-on-one time with them.
> 
> Either she's controlling (which comments about previous posts suggest this) or she's needy. Either way this is a perfectly fine trip to take alone. Go and enjoy. The comments she makes are quite passive aggressive - there are books about dealing with PA personalities. Might be worth a look.


:iagree:

OP, this is the first time I'm reading any of your story. But it's totally ok for you to go visit your parents alone. (In fact, a lot of women would be like, "thank god I don't have to go with him to visit the in-laws!") She obviously doesn't want to spend time with them; it sounds like she looks at these trips as a holiday for the two of you, and some face-time with your parents is the price of admission, and she wants to keep it as brief as possible.

I dare say your parents would LOVE it if you visited them without the girlfriend in tow!!!

I agree with Enjoli, your GF sounds really controlling or needy (or maybe both). You're not even married to her, and she expects that you won't have a relationship with your parents without her? That's all kinds of strange. And she's trying to dictate your relationship with them, and how you should feel about how often they call and visit you.

(And that whole not-wanting-you-to-study-German things sounds like she wants to keep you isolated. Totally weird.)

Don't let her guilt-trip you. Stay strong, mate


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

mk...

I thought you were making PROGRESS.

After reading your latest post, it is obvious you are NOT!!

Please ditch this wench like the foreign-speaking, foreign-thinking, manipulative, heartless creature she is.

And get yourself into INTENSIVE IC as quickly as possible to discover why you prostitute yourself to this repeated abuse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## modernknight (Apr 24, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> mk...
> 
> I thought you were making PROGRESS.
> 
> ...


I hope I didn't make you too angry with these posts  But I think you maybe have a taste of some of the frustration I feel. 

Thanks for the comment. I appreciate your words. Her mentality towards all this IS pretty sick. Now that I'm making a stand for myself I'm seeing how manipulative, selfish and heartless she is. I would guess that most healthy well-adjusted men would have left a long time ago and not tolerated this kind of behaviour.

Some of the suggested books have been helpful (especially "no more mr nice guy"/"your erroneous zones") and the support on this forum is a rock that I'm holding to dearly at the moment (thank you everyone!). Therapy is a must for me though. Even if it is to help me get out of this relationship. I have to say though, after standing up about the German course and doing it, and now standing up about the parental visit (which I will not cave on!), I'm feeling quite empowered and also like a certain weight has lifted from me (invisible chains are now visible?). I have a long list of things I want to do and I'm going to do them. I'm not going to let myself get angry and if she blows up, leaves me, runs off and does something stupid, so what. It is what it is. I'm going to regain control of my life. She probably won't change. If she does great. If she doesn't, then I know I can live my life without her and have a great time doing it.


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## modernknight (Apr 24, 2015)

p.s. it's probably not a recommended approach but this morning I told her that I am not happy with her behaviour over all this and pointed out that I feel that I am being manipulated and controlled through various methods including guilt tripping, isolation, and so on. I also mentioned that telling me about my parents not caring because they don't visit enough and don't call enough is pretty low. At least she now knows that I know what she is doing when she behaves in this way. As I say, maybe it's not the recommended approach to tell the 'abuser' that you are being 'abused' because they'll just turn that against the survivor (better term than victim) but I'm glad to have got that off my chest and be honest about how I see things. My 'hopeful' theory is that if she knows that I am now aware of her strategies this may result in some reflection on her part. If she turns it all onto me then I also have an answer to things. Either way, it takes me a step forward in dealing with this relationship.


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## karazy (Aug 31, 2015)

You have every right to go alone.

I haven't read any other threads of yours but your girlfriend is too controlling!

She's not even a wife (or a mother to your children?) yet and already wanting everything her way without reason. Can't imagine when she becomes either...

I understand wanting to come along because it's fun to travel but then she needs to go by your rules (stay with your parents and spend as much time with them). It's your trip and if she loved you, she would understand the reason why you are visiting your parents and would support you, regardless if she likes the situation or not. If she can't afford for herself then she can't make choices. Beggars can't be choosers.

I encourage my husband to travel alone when visiting his family if they're family I'm not close with nor care to visit.

Tell her straight up that you are going alone and give her reasons why you'd prefer to travel without her. Your reasons are valid. If she really wants to join you, remind her it is YOUR trip, not "OUR" trip, and that she needs to do what you like. Just put your foot down and don't give in. That's how you regain your life by taking control of it yourself and not letting anyone else make decisions for you against your will or manipulate you into doing something you don't want to. Just say NO.

I don't know how long you've been with her but having someone controlling like that in your life will ultimately break you down. Tread carefully if you're considering marrying her.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

modernknight said:


> p.s. it's probably not a recommended approach but this morning I told her that I am not happy with her behaviour over all this and pointed out that I feel that I am being manipulated and controlled through various methods including guilt tripping, isolation, and so on. I also mentioned that telling me about my parents not caring because they don't visit enough and don't call enough is pretty low. At least she now knows that I know what she is doing when she behaves in this way. As I say, maybe it's not the recommended approach to tell the 'abuser' that you are being 'abused' because they'll just turn that against the survivor (better term than victim) but I'm glad to have got that off my chest and be honest about how I see things. My 'hopeful' theory is that if she knows that I am now aware of her strategies this may result in some reflection on her part. If she turns it all onto me then I also have an answer to things. Either way, it takes me a step forward in dealing with this relationship.


I don't know if that's a recommended course of action or not, but I think it's great that you did it and called her out on her bad behavior. It's called standing up for yourself. Rock on with your bad self 

And you might be doing her a favor. I sincerely think that emotionally abusive people and a lot of manipulators don't understand or know what they are doing, and they don't see that it's harmful. They've grown up in dysfunctional situations and learned the behaviors of those around them, and to them it's "normal." It's why they don't always react well to someone else acting in a healthy way, because it is dissonant with what they've come to believe as true.

And maybe no one has ever called her out on her behavior before, which is why she's gotten away with it for so long. Maybe she needed you to show it to her.

Ah well, she probably won't learn from it. She'll probably get defensive :/


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

1. she's not your wife, she's your girlfriend.
2. make sure she stays not your wife.
3. make sure she doesn't stay your girlfriend either.
4. go and figure out why you stay with women you're afraid of.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

modernknight said:


> I hope I didn't make you too angry with these posts  But I think you maybe have a taste of some of the frustration I feel.


No anger here at all mk, just extremely frustrated for you! So yes, I can only imagine how frustrated you feel. As a woman, I have very little tolerance for women who blatantly try to control and manipulate their partners. And you seem like a pretty nice guy and she has honed in on exactly how to exploit that and use it to her advantage.

I'm glad you've found the books suggested by others to be helpful. Keep reading and keep getting stronger .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

modernknight said:


> p.s. it's probably not a recommended approach but this morning I told her that I am not happy with her behaviour over all this and pointed out that I feel that I am being manipulated and controlled through various methods including guilt tripping, isolation, and so on. I also mentioned that telling me about my parents not caring because they don't visit enough and don't call enough is pretty low. At least she now knows that I know what she is doing when she behaves in this way. As I say, maybe it's not the recommended approach to tell the 'abuser' that you are being 'abused' because they'll just turn that against the survivor (better term than victim) but I'm glad to have got that off my chest and be honest about how I see things. My 'hopeful' theory is that if she knows that I am now aware of her strategies this may result in some reflection on her part. If she turns it all onto me then I also have an answer to things. Either way, it takes me a step forward in dealing with this relationship.


Nothing wrong with telling her this. Just make sure you don't turn it into a 'you hurt my feelings' talk, but more a 'I'm not going to put up with crap' talk. The first is a 'I need you to do ABC' thing and the second is a 'I have boundaries and I'm letting you know I won't accept them being trampled' thing. THAT is how she will learn and change - knowing your boundaries and knowing she'll lose out if she doesn't respect your boundaries. That way, you aren't dependent on her - because you can't change her. You simply show her what YOU will accept in your life, and she is then free to do what SHE wants accordingly.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Moon, 

i am glad you are standing up for yourself. Have you thought in the back of your mind what is her fears are in not taking her or not learning language....she needs that control over you. First with the language, if you think about it, it really mental abuse....if you control language you control communication, it all becomes one way communication (her way), by not speaking her native tongue she can speak freely and you are left ignorance...that is powerful. In ancient times they spoke of woman like her...they called her a Succubus, as in sucking the life out of you.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

turnera said:


> Nothing wrong with telling her this. Just make sure you don't turn it into a 'you hurt my feelings' talk, but more a 'I'm not going to put up with crap' talk. The first is a 'I need you to do ABC' thing and the second is a 'I have boundaries and I'm letting you know I won't accept them being trampled' thing. THAT is how she will learn and change - knowing your boundaries and knowing she'll lose out if she doesn't respect your boundaries. That way, you aren't dependent on her - because you can't change her. You simply show her what YOU will accept in your life, and she is then free to do what SHE wants accordingly.


:iagree:

Nail on the head. What I wanted to say, but couldn't quite articulate.


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