# First thread, please help me out



## theyounghusband (Dec 31, 2017)

This has turned into a long post. Here's a nutshell version:
I do everything that I can to take care of my wife and make things as easy as possible for her, but my sex drive is at 2% and falling. She is actually in bed right now crying because the sex isn't going well (we do have an arsenal of "extra-curricular" activities) and because she feels that the passion and romance is gone. What do I do? I've tried T-pills, and they work to some extent, but I'm a man! I'm supposed to want to lay anything that walks. She's afraid that this will be our entire life together, and dear Lord I don't want that for either of us. Help me. . . Please. 

Okay, this might end up being a long post. I'll start off with the facts:

My wife and I started dating 6 years ago from this New Years. In June, we found out that she was pregnant. This was an accomplishment, as she had been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (cysts on her ovaries), and was told she had about a 10% chance of ever getting pregnant. Lo and behold, my first son is being born in February. We got married a month after we found out that she was pregnant. We had been planning on marrying for some time, but the timing and finances never seemed to work in our favor. Growing up in a very Christian home, I knew that in order for my family to accept our situation, we needed to get married ASAP. So, on July 7th, (7-7-17 lol), we exchanged vows. Now, back when Ezra was just a twinkle in my eye, I really didn't want to have kids. I was 24 years old, and wanted to experience and do more things before I became a dad. My wife, on the other hand, was desperate to have a baby, and swore that it was the only thing that would make her happy. I love her, so I willingly put my own desires on hold for her happiness. She still feels guilty about that to this day, but I tell her every time it comes up that it's okay. She didn't ruin my plans, I just have to add an extra component to them. I'm (now) okay with that. I am scared sh*tless of this baby, but I know I can do it. 

Now, here's the rough part, and I hope it's okay to post in this section. I won't go too deep into detail. My sex drive is near non-existent. I love my wife, and she's beautiful. Seriously. And when we first got together, every chance we had we took to be intimate. But over the past couple or three years, my drive has dwindled down to nearly nothing. And by nothing, I mean a couple times a month. This is killing her. I know that if I had the energy and drive, she would be more than happy to get it on every day. But the truth is, I work a mentally and physically exhausting day and all I want to do is come home and plop down in front of the TV (most nights). That, and I believe that I have some sort of anxiety or depression. Funny, I didn't used to believe in that stuff. But my wife has had it for years now, and I see what it does, and have experienced it to a much higher degree than normal, enough to believe that it's real. It's incredibly difficult for me to shut off my mind long enough to enjoy the intimacy. I'll panic about bills in the middle of "bedroom time", and lose the feeling. 

But for her, sex is a confirmation of our love. So when I can't show her that I love her in the language she can most understand, she feels that the passion is gone. It's not! I swear it's not! I love the woman with all my heart. I just want her to be happy. She believes that I'd be better off without her. I won't lie, at one point before we were married or expecting, I threatened to leave her. She had gotten to a point with her depression and anxiety where she stayed in bed all day, except to eat enough to live and use the bathroom. I was pulling 100% of the weight of our relationship and our lives. But now, she's much better. Granted, she's very pregnant, but at this point I feel that her making that baby is work enough, so I don't mind doing the dishes and cleaning the house. It's not solely her job when she's not pregnant, either. I do believe that the men should be the breadwinners and the women should be stay at home moms, but I make the messes too, so it's my responsibility to help keep the house tidy. I work very hard to keep her from having to get a job, although we both know it would be much easier on me if she'd work as well. But I love her, and I want her to be happy. Her dream is to be a stay at home mom, and I'm trying desperately to fulfill that dream. 

Thank you for reading. I hope you can help.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Have you went to a doctor and had the testing of your T done, with all the follow up? If so, what were your results like? Have you continued to keep up with it, or have you slacked off? If you have, she will most likely see this as a full blow rejection of her by you, and that her needs do not matter to you at all...

You need to address this and work on it fervently until you find a solution. If you don’t, you risk losing your wife and half the time with your baby. SHOW her this is a priority to you. 

This was a big part of my divorce, so I speak sadly from experience.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

How much porn are you consuming? My first bet is it's because of porn. If it's a lot then look up "Your brain on Porn". That could very well be your problem. 

Let's say it's not then I am going to ask you some difficult and very personal questions, you don't have to answer but you should think about this at least -

Be honest are you attracted to your wife? I mean really? Not is she attractive are YOU ATTRACTED? Next are you honest sexually with her? Like do you tell her what you are into? Are you content to just have vanilla boring sex? (More on this later.)

Do you get off on getting her off? If not why not? (That is a big part of it you know.) Does she respond to you? If she doesn't does that make you feel defeated? (Also could be the problem.) However instead of being defeated how about really opening up communication. Stop thinking about sex as you getting off and make it about her getting off. (Even if you getting off is not a part of the process for a while) See if that doesn't bring back some spark in you. She seems willing right? Maybe you need to tell her to be a little more selfish because her getting off will help you get off. 

Now back to the vanilla question. Are you sure you are not at least a little bit ashamed of your sexuality? How religious are you? Were you shamed for your sexuality? Did you hear things like, lust is a sin, and men are all alike and think with their ***s. Stuff like that. That could be contributing to your problems. Like you feel guilty really being open with your wife. Or do you feel like your true sexual nature is dirty so showing her that would turn her off, or worse taint her in some way. That kind of stuff happens a lot for a lot of people. 

Now assuming it's not that then -

Next what were your T levels that you are taking pills?

Sounds like you went to the doctor what did he say?

How about a psychologist? If you have anxiety disorder, that leads me to this, are you on any medications? Could they be responsible for the lack of drive? Zoloft for instance is notorious for having that effect. You may need to work with your doctor to get the right one. And make sure if you are using anti anxiety meds you are under a psychologist care, normal PCPs may not be up on all of the side effects. 

Besides all that what kind of shape are you in? Is your lifestyle sedentary. This could account for your low T levels and your lack of desire. Do you sit at a desk all day and a couch all night? I suggest you start lifting weights. That will start to get your body to naturally build testosterone. Get in good shape and your sex drive will follow. 

One more thing and you may not like it but I would advise you to get over the men are the breadwinners stuff, it's crap. You are setting yourself up to be taken advantaged of. Just read on here and you will see tons of SAHM cheat on their husbands out of boredom or they seem to regress to childhood thinking, the breadwinner ends up being seen as like a parent. I can't tell you the number of times I have read that stuff. SAHD's cheat the same way too. Breadwinners after being cheated on they end up still supporting the cheater for the rest of her life, because the cheater has no earnings or work experience. The whole thing not a healthy dynamic in my opinion, and I once thought like you, but I have just read this story way too much. 

Besides that in today's day in age being a breadwinner as you call it is not enough. Women are just as capable of being breadwinners for themselves. What you are is a provider. That doesn't just mean just financially, it also means emotionally, spiritually, and sexually. I am not even saying one of you staying home with the kid while they are young is a a bad idea but you need to get over this 1950's stuff. That **** is over, it doesn't exist anymore. It is only going to bite you in the ass. If you are going to do it, do it as a team, not you as some predetermined work horse because you are a man. **** that. By the way, just so you know, I am a man, and I doubt having read my posting history anyone here would call me the sensitive progressive type, I just see how the world works now, and it's not how a lot of us were taught. Trying to live that way in today's world leaves you exposed. 

Finally I have read post like this before, and you can see patterns. Not all, I would say not even most, but there are women who get tired of being with guys who work all day come home and watch TV, play games, and don't emotionally and physically invest in them. Especially when they are home all day with a child and starved for adult contact. They feel down about their appearance because their husbands are seemingly not attracted to them anymore so it is like a vicious cycle. Then some STHD is there ready and willing to fill that role. Or someone connects them on Facebook and that person starts telling them how hot they are. 

That is a terrible thing to do to another human being and I am by no means excusing it. When you see post like that, and you do more then you would imagine I would be the first to to say how horrible that is. And your wife may never even think about cheating on you, not saying she would. However it's like leaving your front door unlocked, or driving your car with your family in it that has bad brakes. There are things as a man and a husband that you need to be on top of. This is one of them, again your role as her husband is to be a provider for her. Besides cheating lots of women just leave after years of this. Google "Walk away wife syndrome". Your marriage is just starting out so it's important you develop healthy patters early that will prevent this stuff. In today's day in age as a man and husband THIS is your job. Much more then just paying for the mortgage. 

For instance maybe you don't work so hard care less about money and care more about her emotional and physical needs, and she gets a part time job when she recovers from the pregnancy. Maybe you start investing in your career in a different way so you can make more money while working less, with training or something. That is a much better dynamic in my mind. Again I am sure this is probably not the advice you were looking for, but I know there are a bunch of men that wish someone had said it to them. 

Again this is not 1950. Life doesn't work like that anymore, you need to evolve. You are only hurting yourself.


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

Can it be you're not attracted to your pregnant wife, at the moment? Lots of guys tend to lose their desire for their W's body while they are carrying!

She can be feeling insecure 10th fold with all the hormones spiking!

How long have you had LD?

Good luck


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

theyounghusband said:


> This has turned into a long post. Here's a nutshell version:
> *I do everything that I can to take care of my wife and make things as easy as possible for her*, but my sex drive is at 2% and falling. She is actually in bed right now crying because the sex isn't going well (we do have an arsenal of "extra-curricular" activities) and because she feels that the passion and romance is gone. What do I do? * I've tried T-pills, and they work to some extent*, but I'm a man! I'm supposed to want to lay anything that walks. She's afraid that this will be our entire life together, and dear Lord I don't want that for either of us. Help me. . . Please.
> 
> ......My sex drive is near non-existent. I love my wife, and she's beautiful. Seriously. And when we first got together, every chance we had we took to be intimate. *But over the past couple or three years, my drive has dwindled down to nearly nothing. And by nothing, I mean a couple times a month.* This is killing her. I know that if I had the energy and drive, she would be more than happy to get it on every day. *But the truth is, I work a mentally and physically exhausting day and all I want to do is come home and plop down in front of the TV (most nights).* That, and I believe that *I have some sort of anxiety or depression.* .....
> ...


A few comments. There are so many things that you posted that scream out at me. It is like on one level you know, but on another you are clueless. You can change things for the better, but it will take hard work on your part.

No one I know takes real testosterone orally in pill form. You can have injections, topical creams on thin skin or anus, suppositories, patches,........but not orally. Have you really been tested for your testosterone level and been given a real medical prescription? Herbs and over the counter stuff are not the same. Get to a real doctor and get a real first class physical and lab blood work. That is the first step.

You have no idea what "..near non-existent.." means. There was a time in my sex starved marriage that a couple of times a month would have seemed like heaven!

Next, besides your attitude about your sex drive and what you have not done to deal with it, you are a big part of the problem in three more ways.

"...mentally and physically exhausting day and all I want to do is come home and plop down in front of the TV (most nights)...." You are a husband and a father. No matter what you do for a living, once you come home you need to focus on your family. It will be hard for you to change yourself, but if you ever want to be truly happy you need to change. Start doing things with your family that involve exercise so you increase you energy level. Go for (before or) after dinner walks with your wife and child. Do more strenuous things on the weekend, go swimming, bicycling, jogging, hiking, play ball in the park.....just get exercise and your energy level will increase. 

As an aside if you drop the junk food and eat healthy you will also gain energy. Another side benefit is you might loose some weight. One of the little known facts is that belly fat converts testosterone into estrogen in the male body. Are you overweight? Do you know your BMI and percent body fat? Most of the US/Canadian population is overweight. Is that part of your problem?

Now a second point that is your problem is "...when I can't show her that I love her in the language she can most understand, she feels that the passion is gone....." Go and read Chapman's book, The 5 Languages of Love. It explains that most couples have different love languages and that is how they communicate love or feelings of intimacy and being cherished. For example, my primary love language is touch and my secondary love language is words of affirmation or praise. My wife's are acts of service and quality time. In the old days, if I wanted to show her how much I love her, I would hug her and tell her how wonderful she was. THAT DOES ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR HER. I had to learn that if I wanted to show her how much I love and cherish her, I need to do acts of service (that she views as acts of service) like bring her coffee in bed in the morning or act as her assistant in the kitchen when she makes dinner. I also need to make sure she gets quality time where I listen to what is important each day in the morning, remember what she says and the discuss our days at dinner. If you read carefully Chapman, it will hit you that none of the 5 love languages are sex. You are right in that she wants you to communicate in her love language and you aren't doing because you don't understand what she really wants. You need to learn how to communicate you emotions in a love language that is new to you.

Your final problem is "....we both know it would be much easier on me if she'd work as well..." So do you think if she worked some and you changed yourself so you had more energy for her, you communicated to her in her love languages, you got your testosterone levels where they need to be so you libido improved just a little, she would still be crying in bed while you watch TV? What I think is that she would feel pride in the changes you made in yourself and marriage and viewed her working as worth it.

Good Luck. Talk to her, but by all means change yourself int a better husband and father.


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

Your wife is pregnant and having a baby very soon. NOW is not the time to be stressing over this crap. She's a mess of hormones and you're a mess of stress. You married her and you two are about to be parents. The sex stuff is important to address and work on but not your immediate problem. She'd probably be in bed crying tonight no matter what you did.

Tell your doctor you're having difficulty maintaining an erection and get some generic viagra (sildanaphil?) and just force yourself to have sex with her because she's feeling like a beached whale right now and your apparent lack of interest is hurting her feelings.

From the way you describe your situation, your wife is a likely candidate for postpartum depression as well so read up and be prepared for that too.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

You resent your wife for getting pregnant, and changing your plans, couple that with doing all the cleaning and working a physal job and the stress of becoming a new father and being responcible for two people (wife&baby) for the next 18 yrs has you puckered and concerned.

I think your wife should work and help contribute to your finances.if or when you get divorced you will take it on the chin.

Good luck


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

Quality said:


> Your wife is pregnant and having a baby very soon. NOW is not the time to be stressing over this crap. She's a mess of hormones and you're a mess of stress. You married her and you two are about to be parents. The sex stuff is important to address and work on but not your immediate problem. She'd probably be in bed crying tonight no matter what you did.
> 
> Tell your doctor you're having difficulty maintaining an erection and get some generic viagra (sildanaphil?) and just force yourself to have sex with her because she's feeling like a beached whale right now and your apparent lack of interest is hurting her feelings.
> 
> From the way you describe your situation, your wife is a likely candidate for postpartum depression as well so read up and be prepared for that too.


This: 
Not to mention you guys will not be able to have any vaginal sex the first 4 to 6 weeks because of her body needs to recoup from the trauma. 
Then no sex because of the sleepless nights courtesy of the New guy/gal.

So if you think you sex drive is low now, start some exercise regime NOW.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

theyounghusband said:


> This has turned into a long post. Here's a nutshell version:
> I do everything that I can to take care of my wife and make things as easy as possible for her, but my sex drive is at 2% and falling. She is actually in bed right now crying because the sex isn't going well (we do have an arsenal of "extra-curricular" activities) and because she feels that the passion and romance is gone. What do I do? I've tried T-pills, and they work to some extent, but I'm a man! I'm supposed to want to lay anything that walks. She's afraid that this will be our entire life together, and dear Lord I don't want that for either of us. Help me. . . Please.
> 
> Okay, this might end up being a long post. I'll start off with the facts:
> ...



- Go to your doctor and get regular testosterone injections. This will get you back to normal....:smile2: 

- A co worker went through something similar when he was late 30's / early 40's. After the regular test shots and back to the gym, he was in the mood a lot and has one happy wifee.:grin2:

- Get a gym pass and weight train hard.

- No alcohol, no cigarettes, no tobacco, no recreational drugs, no high sugar drinks.

- This will get you back to normal.

- If Mrs.CuddleBug got pregnant, and her sex drive increased a lot, yes, I would have sex with her. Why would I say no?

- Many forms of sex wife a pregnant wife. Oral, breasts, anal, feet, toys, doesn't have to be vaginal. You can do spooning, 69, cow girl (she's on top), doggie style. You aren't on top of her.


- Almost all natural testosterone pills are a scam and don't work because if you look at the ingredients, they don't raises testosterone levels. This is due to heavy government regulations. 

- To increases testosterone levels:

- L - Arginine powder (10g with water) on an empty stomach just before bed. Raises your sex drive and human growth hormone levels a lot. Vivid dreams and waking up hard in the mood.
- DAA - helps releases bound testosterone and raise it the most
- Tribulus Alatus - known as the natural steroid and does work, raises testosterone levels
- Fenugreek also helps raise testosterone
****- Mk-677 Human growth hormone pills - works the best of them all and its legal, probably passed soon and officially okay.****

That's about it. Everything else doesn't work or only makes you feel better, sleep better and maybe give you more energy.

I know because when I hit my late 30's, my sex drive and energy levels crashed. Now I'm in the mood and have energy like in my 20's again.:grin2:


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

I recall reading elsewhere today's men have lower testosterone than the men from WW II gen by a large margin. From what I remember the numbers were staggering, I have my theories as to why the big drop, but that's talk for another thread.

I'm nearly 50 and have tons stamina, i avoid eating unhealthy foods, caffeine, smoking cigarettes. What I can use is seeing the inside of a gym to drop a few pounds. 
Everyone can use a little workout routine yoga, running, swimming anything just keep moving. 



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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Suspicious1 said:


> I recall reading elsewhere today's men have lower testosterone than the men from WW II gen by a large margin. From what I remember the numbers were staggering, I have my theories as to why the big drop, but that's talk for another thread.
> 
> I'm nearly 50 and have tons stamina, i avoid eating unhealthy foods, caffeine, smoking cigarettes. What I can use is seeing the inside of a gym to drop a few pounds.
> 
> Everyone can use a little workout routine yoga, running, swimming anything just keep moving.


We have no idea if the OP has low T levels. It sounds like he's taking over the counter hormone supplements with no doctor verifying that he has low T. That's a really bad thing for him to be doing. So to take the leap that the reason he's not having sex with his wife is because men today have lower T is ... well quite a leap.


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

Hi
You both need to listen to the audio CD book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. and all the mariage books by John Gottman, P.H.D. It will be the best thing you ever do for each other, Give love and appreciation as if you were to see your spouse the last time. You will get 100 x more love in return, It works.


These are the instruction manuals if you both love each other and want to be married to age 92. The day of marriage isn't the end goal, The end goal is what you are going to accomplish together. Look up the work Beshera and Marriage within a marriage in the book/read this one too...How to stop looking for someone perfect and find someone to love by Judith Sills,Book No more perfect Marriages; Mark and Jill Savage

What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal
byJohn Gottman Ph.D.

Customer Review
5.0 out of 5 starsMUST MUST READ, LISTEN TO AUDIO BOOK, AND DO EXERCISES. MARRIAGE DEPENDS ON IT.
ByDavid L.on February 13, 2017
Format: Paperback|Verified Purchase
A must read along with this 7 principles and 10 things. Every couple should listen to the audio book and read the book or get the books to do the exercises. They should learn these principles in this book and apply them. It is the hardest thing you can do is deal with feelings, ask for needs met that both win. It really could save a marriage and get both on track for a more satisfying relationship, intimacy inside and outside the bedroom. I wish I had this book before the last horsemen came to our house, "contempt." by that stage the relationship is done with no chance of recommencement. A must do before marriage and after. What I mean to talk to your spouse and lay it on the line is hard for wive's and husband's to communicate so close that you become one person. It's scary. There just be enough trust to share but you have to because it gets to the bottom of problems after emotions and feelings, then needs are met. You will feel naked, afraid, embarrassed, and maybe reconnect. Good luck. Another poster did not like the analogies. But the analogies about boxes, outside the zone, or where you close yourself off to your partner are good. The author explains why we close each other off, don't get close via emotional and sensually sexual to bond. The author tells us how to fix it. I would even say to Gottman's retreats and get a marriage counselor too to work through the issues that repeatedly come up and don't change. The three books I mentioned along with the Audio CD's is a must. Please buy them. It can save a marriage. It is amazing how stupid we act when a woman don't get the feeling of being emotionally close to her husband and listened to and a husband isn't admired and thought of a good man and provider. You will learn how to relate by learning opportunities tha build each other up and not tear down. Women bond due to emotional level that is given from the husband. The the husband provides an emotional connection which equals many lovable payoffs to a husband. The wife provides admiration and affection the husband. He will feel wonderful and provide multiple communicative and affectionate actions toward his wife in which she will love and reciprocate more freely.


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

Davidmidwest said:


> Hi
> You both need to listen to the audio CD book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. and all the mariage books by John Gottman, P.H.D. It will be the best thing you ever do for each other, Give love and appreciation as if you were to see your spouse the last time. You will get 100 x more love in return, It works.
> 
> 
> ...


John Gottman is an adulterer married to his affair partner and former assistant {if they are even still married}. The man knows nothing about being trustworthy and avoiding betrayal. His self-professed expertise is merely based upon his own failures and immorality. 

Never take marital advice from an unrepentant cheater.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Quality said:


> John Gottman is an adulterer married to his affair partner and former assistant {if they are even still married}. The man knows nothing about being trustworthy and avoiding betrayal. His self-professed expertise is merely based upon his own failures and immorality.
> 
> Never take marital advice from an unrepentant cheater.


Actually he and his second wife are still married. 

His skills as a marriage "expert" are based on observational data from the "love lab" and follow-up interviews and questionnaires, not his moral integrity nor virtues. His courses do, in my opinion, provide real benefits and are worth the cost.

He and his second wife partially helped save my sex starved marriage after we attended one of their Art and Science of Love weekend workshops. His concepts on negotiating grid lock issues, soft starts to discussions, what (4 horsemen) to avoid, and positive relationship rituals were all very helpful to me and my wife.

But the above is based on my observations, interactions with them, and experience.


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