# His reason for constant cheating is COWARDICE



## Rizoma (Jun 11, 2012)

I've been reading this forum for a long time, but holding off on posting because I don't even know where to begin or how to explain what has happened to me. I'm afraid people will think that I'm making it up, or that my boyfriend is. My infidelity story is so messed up. All I know is I cannot handle this alone anymore. There has been such deep betrayal, and it came completely out of nowhere. The severe triggers and flashbacks have been crippling. I wish I was dead most of the time.

I found out 3 months ago that the man I have known for 5 years and been with for 3 years is the exact opposite of the man I thought he was. He has been lying to me and cheating on me in every way imaginable for our entire relationship. He has had many emotional affairs, he has been having cybersex with people from craigslist, he has a secret facebook and a secret double-life using a single guy persona, he has lied constantly about what he was out doing and who he was with (including secretly going out while I'm asleep), and he has had sex 10 times with 6 other women. I have found out he gave me chlamydia, which went untreated for god knows how long, so now it's possible I can never have children due to the silent damage it causes. It's a miracle that's the ONLY thing I have.

You'd assume someone like this is just a sociopath or something, who never actually cared about me. What complicates things is that he's remorseful as hell. He says he is now glad he was caught, and wishes he'd been caught a long time ago. He didn't even realize things had gotten that bad. He didn't realize his actions didn't match his values. He did not want to see the reality of his actions. His inner self was nothing but a huge jumble of lies to himself, nonsense justifications, repressed memories, and compartmentalization. He loathes himself now. He is abysmally depressed. He cries when I cry. He says he has ruined my entire life. He says he loves me and always has, never wanted anyone but me, and that he has never wanted to hurt me. Everything he did was because he was a self-deluded coward and a social chameleon.

He had an abusive childhood and lived in a really messed up area where there was a lot of relationship and sexual dysfunction. There was a daycare AND a police station INSIDE his high school. The way he was treated taught him that it was not safe to be who he was. He was severely punished for saying or doing anything that others did not want him to. Some of the survival mechanisms he developed included compulsive lying, unquestioning compliance to others' wishes, pretending not to have any problems with anything that was happening to him, and behaving around others in the most inoffensive way possible so as never to give anyone any reason to be displeased and lash out at him. He became whatever person he felt the other person would approve of. 

If any of you have ever read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy," you have read a book about my boyfriend. He is a textbook "nice guy." It doesn't help matters that he has severe neurological issues related to focus, impulsivity, and memory. It's pretty much like ADHD on steroids.


I will try to summarize what I have come to understand about why he betrayed me.

He had emotional affairs because he thought guys are macho and shallow and overly sexual, while women are more non-threatening and easy to get along with. He was totally oblivious to signs of flirtation, romantic feelings, and sexual interest on the woman's part. He thought even a deep emotional friendship wasn't inappropriate or cheating, because there was no overt romance or sex involved. He rationalized that if the woman did have more than friendly intentions, it would be one-sided, and thus could lead nowhere because he would not reciprocate. He thought his obliviousness made him immune to affairs. He could do no wrong.

He had cybersex because (and this is a whopper of a rationalization) it was just mindless roleplay to him, like a video game. He claims he was not aroused and did not even think about it sexually. He only chose to make it sexual because he learned that people got much more into it that way, so the roleplay was more realistic. He didn't care who he talked to, or of which gender, and he played both males and females. He simply liked pretending to be a character that was not the real him, and acting out a scenario. Craigslist was a game to him, and the people were toys. He didn't think of them as real people, but as characters. It wasn't cheating because it wasn't real to him. He knew I wouldn't like it, but he thought it wasn't really a big deal.

His double life had to do with the fact that we were in dire financial trouble for years due to me having an illness, and him losing his job. He felt like a failure and a burden, and in an attempt to make money and take pressure off me, he spent all his time out trying to sell a legal recreational substance to people he met on craigslist. I was very unhappy with the fact that we barely saw each other, and that he was involved with this substance and the types of people who used it. He said he hated it too, but it was the only way he knew how to help me. But his other life got out of hand without him realizing. He took on whatever persona he thought would make the clients most comfortable buying things from him, so he acted just like them. He hid me from them in a deluded attempt to protect me and keep his real life away from the people he didn't want in it. He didn't think of them as real people, and of himself as his real self. So whatever he did with clients wasn't real. And he didn't realize he had gotten so deep into that life. He lied to me about things he knew I wouldn't like, always thinking he would be able to stop soon, and only needed to juggle his two lives a little longer.

He had sex with people because he got himself into stupid, stupid situations, and was too much of a coward to get himself out. All of those women were deeply pathetic low-lives. They were disgusting human beings. I know he wasn't attracted to any of them. He led them all on by acting charming and (sometimes) single, although he was doing it to sell them things. He got high with them, they would start touching his crotch, and he would panic because he never thought that would ever happen and he had no plan for how to react. You wouldn't think a plan would be necessary in order to stop having sex with someone you didn't want to have sex with. Well, neither did he. But the combination of his childhood defense mechanisms, and being high causing his neurological issues to get even worse, his mind was paralyzed with panic while his body acted on impulse. The sex was over before he could figure out how to stop it. Since he had always deluded himself into thinking he was so non-sexual, he did not understand why his body wanted the sex. He felt so much shame and disgust after each time, and so much fear of telling me because he didn't want me to break up with him, all he wanted was to forget that it ever happened. His memory problems made it easy to repress the memories soon after they happened. But then it would happen again. And again. And again. And his repressed memories would resurface each new time. His self-delusions were so strong that he actually kept convincing himself that they were flukes, not something he had caused or had to change anything to prevent. He thought not wanting the sex and not wanting to cheat on me would be enough to stop him each time, and he didn't want to look at reality.


He's not lying or cheating anymore. Since I learned of his betrayals, he has done all the following with zero resistance:
Cut contact with all women he has ever known, and almost all men
Refrained from anything but bare-minimum interaction with any person (he has not made friends with any coworkers at his new job for example)
Physically remains at least arms-length away from all people but me at all times
Changed his phone number
Stopped using all his online accounts that can be used for communication
Stopped using the internet, unless I am watching
Given me all his passwords and access to all his accounts and his phone
Only leaves my sight for work and necessary errands, and sets a GPS to show me his tracks
Answers every question I have
Complies instantly with every request I have
Reads and writes his thoughts on self help books about "nice guys," boundaries, infidelity, and relationships
Goes to individual counseling
Goes to couples counseling with me


I just don't know if I can get over the past. I fell in love with him because he was the most wonderful human being I had ever met. He was happy, silly, fun-loving, energetic, creative/artistic, easy going, and treated everyone he met with consideration. He shared my same interests, same values, same goals, and same philosophies on life. He seemed confident in who he was, and wasn't afraid to be himself, but was also accepting of others and their differences. I saw a man with self-esteem, integrity, and a passion for life. We talked about marriage and having a family together all the time. We were soul mates. I gave him my whole heart and my virginity. He's the only person I've ever trusted and felt truly safe with. And it was all a lie. He is not that man. That man never existed. The man I love is dead.

He says he wants to be an even better man than the one I thought he was, and this time it will be real. He knows now the reality of everything he has done, and knows he has to change who he is no matter what. He says he will never hurt me again. He says all he wants is to make me happy again. And he hopes we can be happy together, as a couple.

I am just so angry all the time. I feel like so much has been stolen from me. I have been senselessly abused and treated like less than dirt, and all I ever did was love someone. I'm humiliated. I'm horrified. I am terrorized by constant triggers and flashbacks. I barely eat. I barely sleep, and have nightmares when I do. I am just in so much pain.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Rizoma, I am so sorry for what you are going thru. I can see that you have spent a lot of time trying to figure out why he did this.

It doesn't matter why he did this. What matters is how you will pick up and go forward with your life. Counseling is good. As you go forward, though, please find a way to concentrate on what is good for YOU. It may be him. It may not.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Only being three months out, what you are experiencing is pretty normal. Are you in IC? Have you heard of post infidelity stress disorder?

What kind of counseling is he getting? Hopefully it includes addictions counseling from a qualified therapist.

All you can do is try. Give yourself some time to heal. I'm two years out and started to feel relatively 'normal' after a year. If he keeps doing what you wrote that he has been doing, you guys may have a chance.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm going to offer these possibly unpopular thoughts...

He's your boyfriend. Not your husband, not the father of your children. And the whole purpose of dating is to determine if that person is a good match for you. 

Your boyfriend is badly broken. He may never be husband/father material. And in fact, the person you thought you were in love with may have just been a facade. You have a really long ways to go before you will be able to even think about trusting him or healing from the damage he's done to you. And even if you see changes, how will you ever know if it's just another facade or the "real him"?

I would say protect yourself and let him go.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This is one of the saddest stories I have read for a while.

It took courage for you to post here.

Counselling could help.

So sorry about the STD he gave you. 

Best of luck for your future.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

PBear said:


> I'm going to offer these possibly unpopular thoughts...
> 
> He's your boyfriend. Not your husband, not the father of your children. And the whole purpose of dating is to determine if that person is a good match for you.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

By the way, is he really a serial cheater because he's a coward? Or is he a serial cheater because he's a narcissist? My vote would be the latter.

I would highly recommend individual counselling for you, if you are not already doing that.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

I can see that you love him, but love isn't suppose to work this way. With not being married and no children I think it is much better financially for you to get out and start over. It won't be easy but you have a much better chance of starting over and finding real happiness, a real man that has morals and character. A man that understands how relationships are suppose to work. I know it is hard to see that right now, your mind is in a place it has never been before. You are struggling with the pain and trying to understand the state of mind you are in. I never realized it until it happened to me, how our minds go into a place never seen before until we experience situations of lies and betrayal. Through this process I have come to understand why some spouses can kill the other one for cheating and lying. I'm not saying it is right, I'm saying your mind during these times in a place we don't understand. We have thoughts that we have never had before. I think you have to work through the mental state you are in now in order to believe that you can start over, you can find a decent man that will love you and be true. 
Good luck.


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## Rizoma (Jun 11, 2012)

Thank you everyone for your responses.

No, I'm not in IC. I know I need to be. I haven't done it because depression makes me withdraw to quite an extreme. It was hard to post here, even. I have not told anyone else other than a mutual friend of ours and her boyfriend, who live elsewhere. I know that I have a bad case of PTSD- or rather, PISD. I will just have to force myself to get IC because I know it will make me feel better. I always feel better after couples counseling. My bf is seeing a counselor who knows a lot about ADHD and self-esteem problems. I agree that he ought to see someone about sex addiction... even though it's not entirely clear to me what was caused by a desire for sex and what was more about something else.

Yes, I know there are no physical investments to worry about because he is not my husband or the father of our children. But in my mind, I was fully invested in the fact that he WOULD be. I knew in my heart I wanted to be with him forever even before we became a couple. And as a couple, we lived like we were married. Nothing about our lifestyle and routines would have needed adjusting once we made it official. He proposed to me before our first year anniversary. He is family to me and my family. I never referred to him as my boyfriend, because it didn't seem to accurately reflect the deep level of commitment we had for each other. Or so I believed. I don't call him my fiance anymore.

But still, what I am getting at is that it's not easy for me just to let him go. Especially because he seems so committed to change, and is making real progress. I was trusting him blindly before, giving him infinite slack to do whatever he wanted, and just assuming he would never do anything he shouldn't. I didn't realize his boundaries were non-existent. But now he is on the shortest of leashes and I am verifying everything. I WILL let him go if he ever treats me wrong again, and he knows that.

I constantly think about whether he is just putting on another facade, whether he is a sociopath or has NPD, whether everything out of his mouth is still a lie, and whether I am wasting my time just to be used by someone who doesn't know what love is. Believe me, I think about it all the time. My father was a narcissist and an addict, and my mom a codependent. I promised myself I would never get in a relationship unless it was with a normal, well-adjusted guy who was just right for me and didn't need any "fixing." I spent my entire teens and early adulthood focused on nurturing my own self-esteem so that I wouldn't fall into the unhealthy patterns of my parents. I was attracted to my bf exactly because he was the opposite of my father. And at the beginning of our relationship, I told him that the only thing I asked of him as my partner was to always tell me the truth. So I dunno... I kind of feel like I must have done something really evil in a previous life or something, because I couldn't have dreamed up a more cruel twist of fate than this.

For the record, I am leaning away from believing he has NPD. I know that, for my dad, his life motto was denial, deflect, blame. It was always too obvious that he had selfish motives at heart, but he would never in a million years admit to any wrongdoing even when confronted with indisputable proof. But my bf's motto is more like lie, avoid, submit. He is all about protecting himself from everything by pleasing everyone. His decisions are fear-driven. He's not driven by selfishness, because he doesn't even know what he wants. He is too preoccupied with giving others what _they_ want. Looking back, I can now see this in everything he did, not just the cheating. And now that he is seeing the reality of his actions, he readily admits to all of his wrongdoing and problems. He has never tried to blame me or anyone else for anything he has done. He knows now that he didn't know what a relationship and love was really supposed to be, and all he wants is to be different from now on. He's sick of lying to himself and everyone else; he wants something real. He says he doesn't deserve me, even though he loves me and wants to still be with me if I still want him (he knows I could decide to break up with him at any moment). He just fits the "nice guy syndrome" much better than he fits NPD, but I know it's possible I'm wrong.

I realize what a huge gamble it would be to stay with him. I'm just not ready to give up yet. Sometimes I feel like I'll be rewarded, and other times I'm sure I'll be punished. My mind is a mess right now.


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## trish79 (May 25, 2012)

_""But still, what I am getting at is that it's not easy for me just to let him go. Especially because he seems so committed to change, and is making real progress. I was trusting him blindly before, giving him infinite slack to do whatever he wanted, and just assuming he would never do anything he shouldn't. I didn't realize his boundaries were non-existent. But now he is on the shortest of leashes and I am verifying everything. I WILL let him go if he ever treats me wrong again, and he knows that.""_

I went through this same type of issues for years with my husband. My H is a serial cheater and spent so much time living a double life. We have three kids and I had always told him that there are two things that will cause me to leave you - if you hit me or if you cheat on me. He's not hit me, but I've been cheated on in ways worse than yours. I have not been able to kick him out yet. Unfortunately, your story could be my story about 8 yrs ago when I started seeing the signs and a couple of EA's came to light. It's been an extremely hard road and although we added our two youngest kids to the mix about 8 yrs ago, I regret the time I've spent waiting for him to get himself right. My H too has emotional issues from his past that are yet unresolved. I don't know if he'll ever get there. It makes me sad to hear you say that "if he treats you wrong again you will leave" b/c I too made excuses for my H b/c of his childhood and why he treated me that way. The reality of it is you actually may never leave and he knows that.

I don't have any advise to offer because our journey is our own. Make sure you look out for yourself and do not add any children to the mix for the next little while until you really figure out what you need to do to take care of yourself.

Good luck! If you ever need to talk you can message me.


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## Rizoma (Jun 11, 2012)

So sorry to hear what you're going through, Trish. That must be very painful.

I will leave if he betrays me again. Maybe even if he doesn't. I'm not afraid to be single; I was happily single for almost 23 years until we got together. What I'm afraid of is that he really is fixing his issues, and I would've been happy with him in that case.

It's just tearing my mind apart knowing everything he did and knowing that kind of person is definitely not someone I want, yet since the cheating was revealed, his attitude and behavior has done a total 180. I witness him having epiphanies every day about all the ways he's gone wrong and why. It really does seem like he won't be unfaithful anymore and will be putting me first. He says he knows he needs to change, whether he and I stay together or not, because if he keeps doing all these things, he will never be a complete human being and never know genuine happiness.

But that doesn't change the fact that he spent years mistreating me, and there is no excuse. Everyone has personal issues from their past, including me, but that doesn't give anyone a free pass to hurt people. Even if he does stop hurting people, he still has those deep personal issues that will take years for him to work through, if he can successfully work through them. And there is nothing I can do about his issues, because he is the only one who can fix them.

I don't want to waste my time waiting on him to get his mental health together, yet I also don't want to walk away as long as things are getting better and better every day. No matter what I do, there's no way I won't be in pain for a long, long time.


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