# Wife ended our marriage, what now?



## Familyman1981 (Oct 14, 2012)

Hi Everyone,

This is my first post. I going to be honest with what I write, here goes.

I met my wife 11 years ago and we have been married for 7 years and have two children aged 9 and 6. I am 30 and my wife is 29.

We have always had a very close relationship and were very much in love. We struggled with child care when are first child was born and also with money, things were tight and it put a lot of stress on us for years (only the last year we have been ok with money) but we were happy (so I thought).

5 months ago on my wifes birthday, my wife told me she wasn't in love me with anymore (we had a argument before and she snapped). Id never thought I would hear those words from her and I was very very shocked as only 3 days earlier we had a romantic night out together (rare we would go out due to child care). there was never a day prior we never told each other "I love you".


A few days went by and i thought the anger was disappear and we would sort things out. I have never seen anger like this before. 

My wife basically said she's going to be 30 next year and she "hasn't done anything with her life". She ask me to move to my mothers house for a week so she can think.

I have been quite controlling and possessive in the past and before when we argued we never resolved things and my wife bottled all these arguments up for years until boom, she told me she didn't know if she wanted to be with me anymore.

That 1 week for her turned into 5 weeks before she said I could come back home but she still didn't know if she wanted to be with me. She said "were trying to see if I want to be with you"

Anyway once I was back home we stayed in separate bedrooms and most weekends she went out or stayed with her friend who lives 1 minutes walk from the house. I know what your probably thinking by now and I asked numerous time is there someone else and she said no and I do believe her. 

She basically said she was testing me by going out all the time, I did some progress as we had a bit of a laugh together over those few weeks and play fighting and touching (nothing sexual) and slapping each other on the bum but no holding hands, cuddles or kisses etc. 

Over the four weeks at home sometimes I would get down and she would sense this and basically see it as if I would be like that if we got back together even those if I had a bit of decent progress like a cuddle I would of been the happiest man in the world.

Over time I got frustrated with the situation as she didn't want to give me an answer to wether she wanted the married or not, she wasn't ready to give it but one I went to touch her back and she pushed away and I said I cant take this anymore and she told me that she "this isn't working and its over then"

I was devastated with the news, broke down, pleaded. I then packed my bags in anger/hurt and said I was leaving, she said "you can stay till you get somewhere sorted" I said no (I should of stayed) and went.

Two days later I asked if I could talk to her and begged her to give it another go, she said ok (still at my mums house) but two weeks later she had enough. Basically she said "ok" not to hurt me.

I asked her if we could go to counselling and she agreed. Within the first 5 minutes she basically said she doesn't want me and its was too late even though I had changed my ways. I was gutted.

The counsellor said it was probably a communication break down as we never solved any of the arguments we had as my wife would always storm off and be ok the next day.

We walked out the the session and I walked her to her car and she said even though I changed she doesn't believe i will if we got back together and I said "its 100% over and theres no going back ever/changing your mind?

She said "I cant say forever because I might release I made a mistake and would want you to get back to you in a few months"????

She also told me she cant think "rational" at the minute and she confused all the time. Yet she willing to end it in that mental state?


p.s

here is a list of things that might be relevant or not:


-She is very angry and hates to go over the same things but she is also contradictory with what she says.

-On a few occasions she told me If i left it would make her think as normally she would never believe I would go. And her also said she wanted me to treat her mean (not direct) but I guess care free attitude.

-she said if the boot was on the other foot she would of left along time ago and made me see what I was missing.

-She's been signed off work by the doctor and she has got migraines which effects her vision. She is on medication which makes her feel tired all the time.

-my wife hates her job at the minute and it puts stress on her.

-She been stressed by college work and cant keep with the deadlines.

-She never showed emotion in the past but recently Ive she tears in her eyes. (Ive wanted to help but she doesn't want it)

-she told me for years when she was younger (6) her mums boyfriend at the time was besoted with her and a few months ago when she was drunk she indirectly told me he abused her. She was the same aged as my daughter is now. She would have nightmares and wake up screaming.


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I love my wife more than anything and I have been through so much hurt but If I wasn't that person in the past I guess it would of turned out like this. She said she has been unhappy for a long time but I honestly never sensed it and she never told me she was unhappy.


Its been four days since I see its properly over and I have now decided to do a 180.

Is there hope for us?


Thanks for having the time to read this...


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

-she said if the boot was on the other foot she would of left along time ago and made me see what I was missing.

Do this keep with a hard 180
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Familyman1981 (Oct 14, 2012)

Thanks for the reply. Can you tell me if there is anything else i should be doing in addition to the below?

-going to the gym as I lost a lot of muscle recently, trying to get my body back.

-not ringing or texting her, only rarely about visting the kids.

-when I saw her today for the first time since its been over I didnt talk about us and was polite and smiled.

-looking into buying a house and need to move out my mums, will the reality of this make her think.

thanks


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I'd bet you $1000 that she is either cheating or has her sights set on another. Going out all the time was a test? lol. Um, no.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I'd bet you $1000 that she is either cheating or has her sights set on another. Going out all the time was a test? lol. Um, no.


Reluctantly....I agree


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Is she leaving because you are controlling & possesive?


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## Familyman1981 (Oct 14, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I'd bet you $1000 that she is either cheating or has her sights set on another. Going out all the time was a test? lol. Um, no.


I know how it seems but with the way I used to be I can see why she would test me.

So your saying there no other reason than cheating or she has her sites on someone else. Not everyone is a cheat?


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## Familyman1981 (Oct 14, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Is she leaving because you are controlling & possesive?



Basically resentment built up the over years and when she told me it was because of that I changed.

She thinks i will go back to how I was if we got back together. I think its a combination of that and she not in love with me anymore.

Like I said in my OP she totally mixed up and not her self in terms of her mental state.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

There's always an exception that proves ther rule, and maybe your wife is the one. Nevertheless, normal female behavior would indicate that the following is more likely. Think about it.

Don't take the nastiness that follows personally, okay. We've all been there and we all have to face the music. We've been programmed that women don't really act this way, especially the mothers of our children. Right. Again, don't take it personal.



Familyman1981 said:


> I am 30 and my wife is 29.


Your wife is hitting her sexual peak and will stay there for a few years. Highest testosterone she's ever had, highest level of self-confidence, along with the highest sex drive (she can't believe it). Guess she wasn't ready for that and the 7 year itch to hit simultaneously.



Familyman1981 said:


> 5 months ago on my wifes birthday, my wife told me she wasn't in love me with anymore (we had a argument before and she snapped). Id never thought I would hear those words from her and I was very very shocked as only 3 days earlier we had a romantic night out together (rare we would go out due to child care). there was never a day prior we never told each other "I love you".


Some other guy gave her something nice for her birthday. You gave her an argument. She was already getting the mental attraction drugs going with the new guy(s). Where did she meet him, work?



Familyman1981 said:


> A few days went by and i thought the anger was disappear and we would sort things out. I have never seen anger like this before.


After the blow up she had to keep the anger burning hot, because she hates cheating and cheaters, yet here she is cheating on her husband, the father of her children. She'd been doing it awhile and couldn't really fathom her own behavior, but your argument gave her a handle that her rationalization hamster could grab onto to justify her adultery. Once kindled, that fire has to be stoked.



Familyman1981 said:


> My wife basically said she's going to be 30 next year and she "hasn't done anything with her life".


Translation: _"All the single girls are going out weekends and riding a fantastic carousel of young c*cks that I missed out on. I won't be able to attract young **** much longer, so I must ride now."_



Familyman1981 said:


> She ask me to move to my mothers house for a week so she can think.


Translation: _"I don't want you checking my thong for evidence when I come in at 4AM. I will have probably lost it in the alley behind the club, anyway."_



Familyman1981 said:


> I have been quite controlling and possessive in the past and before when we argued we never resolved things and my wife bottled all these arguments up for years until boom, she told me she didn't know if she wanted to be with me anymore.


Yeah, but she never built up to leaving until she had something going on the side. 



Familyman1981 said:


> That 1 week for her turned into 5 weeks before she said I could come back home but she still didn't know if she wanted to be with me.


Too much fun to quit. Women get a crack-like high from sex with new and different guys. Google PEA, dopamine, norepinephrine, brain sex. Also, she wasn't using rubbers, since chemicals in semen elevate female mood.



Familyman1981 said:


> She said "were trying to see if I want to be with you"


Translation: "If we're really meant to be together, you should be able to sense that I'm cheating on you. If you can't, you're not in tune with me. I also need to see if I can suppress my guilt adequately to enable me to move on."



Familyman1981 said:


> Anyway once I was back home we stayed in separate bedrooms and most weekends she went out or stayed with her friend who lives 1 minutes walk from the house. I know what your probably thinking by now and I asked numerous time is there someone else and she said no and I do believe her.


You failed the ultimate sh!t test (in her mind) by not detecting, confronting, and defending your marriage while she was banging a parade of single guys right under your nose. You were so out of synch with her, you were unable to use your mind reading skills to expose her and save her from herself. Thus, you revealed yourself to be an imposter, not her true soulmate. Crazy, init? 



Familyman1981 said:


> She basically said she was testing me by going out all the time,


That's the only truthful sentence out of her mouth in the last 5 months.



Familyman1981 said:


> I did some progress as we had a bit of a laugh together over those few weeks and play fighting and touching (nothing sexual) and slapping each other on the bum but no holding hands, cuddles or kisses etc.


FAIL. This is gross weakness in the face of dire, extreme provocation. You were losing sex rank in her eyes everyday this went on. Some would say you were exhibiting so-called "beta" behavior. This classification would put you at borderline delta/gamma behavior. Follow the link and figure out where you are.



Familyman1981 said:


> Over the four weeks at home sometimes I would get down and she would sense this and basically see it


EPIC FAIL. Extremely unattractive to the female limbic system, which runs her sexual attraction.



Familyman1981 said:


> Over time I got frustrated with the situation as she didn't want to give me an answer to wether she wanted the married or not, she wasn't ready to give it


Women don't like men who make the woman decide all the important/unimportant issues. You're the man, not her. You weren't strong enough to lead, you're not strong enough to be her man. That's a watershed moment for a woman.



Familyman1981 said:


> but one I went to touch her back and she pushed away and I said I cant take this anymore and she told me that she "this isn't working and its over then"


Well, yeah. You flunked the test, again.



Familyman1981 said:


> I was devastated with the news, broke down, pleaded. I then packed my bags in anger/hurt and said I was leaving, she said "you can stay till you get somewhere sorted" I said no (I should of stayed) and went.


FAIL. Why would _you_ leave? Is the house in her name or something? Oh, I get it. Your wife calls all the shots now. Not attractive.



Familyman1981 said:


> Two days later I asked if I could talk to her and* begged her *to give it another go,


EPIC FAIL. Men don't beg women. Women like men who are confident and in charge and hold all the cards. Those men don't beg.



Familyman1981 said:


> I asked her if we could go to counselling and she agreed. Within the first 5 minutes she basically said she doesn't want me and its was *too late even though I had changed my ways.* I was gutted.


It was never about changing your ways. It was the sex buzz from OM#? that caused her to suddenly seize on your argument as a pretext to start detaching and, er, opening up for other men, guilt free.



Familyman1981 said:


> The counsellor said it was probably a communication break down as we never solved any of the arguments we had as my wife would always storm off and be ok the next day.


Your counselor should have recognized the signs. Most are incompetent.



Familyman1981 said:


> We walked out the the session and I walked her to her car and she said even though I changed she doesn't believe i will if we got back together and I said "its 100% over and theres no going back ever/changing your mind?


Weakness, clinginess, neediness on display, again. You realize this is a huge turn-off, right?



Familyman1981 said:


> She said "I cant say forever because I might release I made a mistake and would want you to get back to you in a few months"????


Translation: _"I can't give up all these young c*cks, just right now. Maybe me sex drive will drop off to normal in a few months and I'll get tired of riding the carousel. But right now, I'm totally addicted."_



Familyman1981 said:


> She also told me she cant think "rational" at the minute and she confused all the time. Yet she willing to end it in that mental state?


It's the brain sex chemicals. When she's with you, she gets the mellow long term attraction care-for-my-kids-and-husband chemicals that cause her to love home and family. But, when she's been out for a night on the c•ck carousel, she's on crack and craves new men.




Familyman1981 said:


> -She is very angry and hates to go over the same things but she is also contradictory with what she says.


Because it's all Bravo Sierra. That's the only thing coming out of her mouth.



Familyman1981 said:


> -On a few occasions she told me If i left it would make her think as normally she would never believe I would go. And her also said she wanted me to treat her mean (not direct) but I guess care free attitude.


Translation: _"If you're really my man, my soul mate, you would be able to see right through me and discipline me and make be start behaving like a wife and mother, again. Since you can't or won't do that, we weren't meant to be."_



Familyman1981 said:


> -she said if the boot was on the other foot she would of left along time ago and made me see what I was missing.


And you would, if you ever saw her in action. She knew what she was about, you didn't. She was making that statement as being her response to you doing what she was doing. SOP for the ladies.



Familyman1981 said:


> -She's been signed off work by the doctor and she has got migraines which effects her vision. She is on medication which makes her feel tired all the time.



Migraines and bipolar go together. Bipolar and extreme promiscuity go together. Maybe or maybe not that migraines and extreme promiscuity go together. YMMV. Just sayin'.



Familyman1981 said:


> -my wife hates her job at the minute and it puts stress on her.


When did that start? Naturally, I've got a hypothesis. A break up with one of the OMs at work, maybe?



Familyman1981 said:


> -She never showed emotion in the past but recently Ive she tears in her eyes. (Ive wanted to help but she doesn't want it)


Tears aren't for you (that vacant 1000 yard stare she gave you back when you were begging was for you), they're for the OM she broke up with. He probably found out about the other guys.




Familyman1981 said:


> -she told me for years when she was younger (6) her mums boyfriend at the time was besoted with her and a few months ago when she was drunk she indirectly told me he abused her. She was the same aged as my daughter is now. She would have nightmares and wake up screaming.


Possible bipolar childhood SAb survivor. She hasn't been diagnosed and even it she was, plenty of bipolar, SAb survivors aren't cheating on their husbands and kids. However, it's a few more things to think about.



Familyman1981 said:


> I love my wife more than anything and I have been through so much hurt but If I wasn't that person in the past I guess it would of turned out like this.


It's not you, it's the other dude(s). That stuff is just the BS she tells herself. Quit drinking her Kool-Aid.



Familyman1981 said:


> She said she has been unhappy for a long time but I honestly never sensed it and she never told me she was unhappy.


She wasn't seriously unhappy until she started bonding with one of the OM. Maybe the first guy, that maybe she met at work. Then her rationalization hamster starts up and starts rewriting the history of the marriage. You're the villain. Always. The facts don't matter, only the rewrite that justifies the adultery.



Familyman1981 said:


> Its been four days since I see its properly over and I have now decided to do a 180.
> 
> Is there hope for us?


Most likely not. Too much time for her to detach, too much sexually repellant behavior on your part trying to talk sense to her, and too many men. Two weekend nights going out to the meat markets for the last 5 months: 2M X 4.3Wks X 5 = 43M. True, that's worse case, but still...



Familyman1981 said:


> I know how it seems but with the way I used to be I can see why she would test me.


She tested you, all right. And you failed, big time.



Familyman1981 said:


> So your saying there no other reason than cheating or she has her sites on someone else. Not everyone is a cheat?


Not everyone. But your wife isn't everyone. Wake up and smell the coffee.

Now, all that above may be completely wrong, and I hope it is. But if I'm right, would you still want to stay together?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Dang. Almost everything I wanted to say.

Although, my husband left out of the blue and wasn't cheating. He moved home 3 months later and we've been great since (lots of therapy and dealing with our dysfunction). he's been home over a year and it's probably been our best year.

So, it's a possibility that your wife is just done because of how you treated her, buuuuuut....sounds much like she has guilt (anger) and is cheating.


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## HeaterKeda (Oct 15, 2012)

looking into buying a house and need to move out my mums


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Familyman1981 said:


> Hi Everyone,
> 
> This is my first post. I going to be honest with what I write, here goes.
> 
> ...


From you post I am gathering that you are far from possessive and controlling. Most guys who say this are the oppostie of this. Go figure.

No way I would have left the home so she could have space. Generally this is so they can explore life without you and is often about other people. Sure there are walk away wives but realistically you taking her world for it is ludicrous. Also her testing you by going out is disrespectful and in essenace controlling and trying to humiliate you. Trying to train you so she can do what she wants.

But surely she can enjoy a good life with you and not have to ditch her marriage unless it involves other men. Anyway the fact this seemed sudden is a real red flag.

I think there is way more to this than you know. It is amazing how men so easily accept the blame.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Machiavelli said:


> There's always an exception that proves ther rule, and maybe your wife is the one. Nevertheless, normal female behavior would indicate that the following is more likely. Think about it.
> 
> Don't take the nastiness that follows personally, okay. We've all been there and we all have to face the music. We've been programmed that women don't really act this way, especially the mothers of our children. Right. Again, don't take it personal.
> 
> ...


This is very blunt sir. But I agree with your analysis as being most likely.

Again if anything he was too lax in his boundaries. If he felt possessive it was probably his gut telling himself something was wrong. He seems the opposite of controlling to me.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

In my opinion, all signs point to her cheating. Sadly, posts like this make me not want to have a second child. Children can be the downfall of a marriage.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

familyma, sorry for your problems,but i would see a lawyer before you go buying a house,you just might be buying a place your stbxw owns half of.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Again they've all said it...cheating.

Also she's convinced you that YOU are the problem.

Don't you EVER fall for that BS. SHE is the problem. Not you. And I know you love her more than anything in this world so do a short mental exercise that I should have done years ago.

Think back to a time when you were younger and more confident. Before her. Would you EVER EVER let a person treat you the way you're being treated? Or would you tell them to hitch the next ride to hell?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I have to agree with most of the others

I'd be SURPRISED if she WASN'T cheating

Get a VAR for the car, keylogger for the PC and pull all the cellphone records and look for alot of texts/phone calls to one or two numbers


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## Sigma Uber Alles (Oct 15, 2012)

Your woman, er... excuse me, his woman (whoever he is) is cheating on you with him. Probability of this being the source of her anger is in the 80-90 percent range.

I have lurked this website just long enough to know that there are some pretty astute individuals posting exceptionally pertinent and illuminating opinions and advice. One of the most exceptional posters who has literally evoked tears and laughter from me while reading his numerous posts has been *Machiavelli*. His responses for the most part have been so surgically on point and painfully correct that they should probably be published on their own somewhere.

Anyway, it sounds to me like you are having to deal with what I have been through twice in my lifetime (before I woke up and smelled the dark roast). Men and women, despite a veneer of civilization, are essentially animals when it comes to carnal behavior. As Machiavelli has so clearly and concisely detailed... ignore this animal substrate of human behavior at your own peril.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Familyman 1981, the only one still "in the marriage" is you. Better start looking out for yourself and let the other guy (whomever he is) worry about her.
Need to check with a lawyer about your rights concerning the kids.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Sigma Uber Alles said:


> One of the most exceptional posters who has literally evoked tears and laughter from me while reading his numerous posts has been *Machiavelli*. His responses for the most part have been so surgically on point and painfully correct that they should probably be published on their own somewhere.


Thanks for the appreciation, Sig. My belief is that this information will only become useful to the OPs in subsequent relationships. It's just too hard to reset the relationship dynamic when the wife has already started getting regular injections of _Essence of Strange._


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## Sigma Uber Alles (Oct 15, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Thanks for the appreciation, Sig. My belief is that this information will only become useful to the OPs in subsequent relationships. It's just too hard to reset the relationship dynamic when the wife has already started getting regular injections of _Essence of Strange._


You are welcome. You do these people (like myself) a great service when you spread the gospel of St. Athol and St. Vox to the unwashed. They are in pain and in need of understanding of the truth in order to avoid the very pits of Hell (Hell hath no fury as a Woman...). My own education in these male/female dynamics began with the "simple issues" (he said sarcastically) and then in my second relationship disaster proceeded into the wonderful world of the side effects of psychotropic drugs on females. Even if you are fully armed and funtionally deft with game theory, add an SSRI into the mix of the limbic tango and you are in for the rollercoaster ride of your life.

In short, techniques for successful male/female relations are, in my opinion, more akin to bomb defusal and handling. It requires a firm understanding of triggering mechanisms and system design principles if one is to avoid the explosive and catastrophic consequences of mishandling.

I am still learning.


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