# Sex and her body



## Superfly (Apr 15, 2015)

Hey folks,
So I discovered about 7 months ago that my wife had an affair.
We have spend lots of time in therapy and various other things and clearly the process is going to be a long one.

Something that I'm struggling with and not finding much help with in the various books etc that we have read is the whole sex and how I see her body thing.
I used to love looking at her body and touching it etc, but now I find it awkward at best and completely uncomfortable at worst. I often try and avoid it, but when I do I get very sad.

I no longer see her body as special or exclusive to me, and this is a big problem for me.

Does this ever get better, and are there things that we can do to make it special again?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you discussed this with the counselor? Are you in any therapy on your own?

It takes 2-5 years to recover from an affair. You are not even one year out. It takes time.

There are two books that I suggest: 

His Needs, Her Needs 
Love Busters


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## Superfly (Apr 15, 2015)

Thanks.
No, this is not something that I'm particularly comfortable discussing with the counselor. I know that is silly.
We did therapy together and on our own, but haven't been in a while because it gets frighteningly expensive. 

The time thing again. Not easy to hear, but I have come to understand it.

Thanks, we have those books, but I couldn't find anything that spoke to my concern in them.


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## another shot (Apr 14, 2015)

You are focus on the wrong thing during a special moment. Focus on the moment. Be present in that moment. Unfortunately you are elsewhere and that spoils it likely for both of you. You also can question your belief system about exclusives. At that moment she chose you to be share herself with. Take all the negatives that pop into your head, write them down and then challenge them n paper.

This is an exercise in cognitive distortions which you should google to learn more about. They are a common cause of depression. I think it will help you a lot to write down those distrotions you are expressing and then challenge them with reality


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## another shot (Apr 14, 2015)

Superfly said:


> those books, but I couldn't find anything that spoke to my concern in them.


They do not address that concern. I read a lot. I am not ware of any books that discuss that issue.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

No the books do not speak directly to your concern. You might not find anything that does.

The way to heal what you are going through is to do what those books say to do. 

If you want to rebuild your marriage you need to rebuild your bond. You will not get to a good place in the marriage if you do not.

When I found out about my husband's affair... for the first 6 months I was non-functional. I went work every day, took care of the kids, etc., but I was not really present. I'd sit at the computer at work and just look at it all day. I could not function. At the 6 months point I realized that I was in a serious depression and got help for that.

It was a full year before I was half way functional. At the 3 year mark I had worked through it all and the affair no longer caused me pain. It was just something that happened a long time ago.

It takes time. And sadly the only way to get through it is to walk right through the middle of it all.

A lot of couples come out the other end with a better marriage than they had before... that's the couples who work on it.


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## Superfly (Apr 15, 2015)

another shot said:


> You are focus on the wrong thing during a special moment. Focus on the moment. Be present in that moment. Unfortunately you are elsewhere and that spoils it likely for both of you. You also can question your belief system about exclusives. At that moment she chose you to be share herself with. Take all the negatives that pop into your head, write them down and then challenge them n paper.
> 
> 
> 
> This is an exercise in cognitive distortions which you should google to learn more about. They are a common cause of depression. I think it will help you a lot to write down those distrotions you are expressing and then challenge them with reality



I do my best to be present, but my problem is that I'd rather avoid the intimacy, which isn't cool. But when we are there I do focus on that moment and space.

Thanks, I will look into those 



EleGirl said:


> If you want to rebuild your marriage you need to rebuild your bond. You will not get to a good place in the marriage if you do not.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Thanks, I went through what can best be described as PTSD when I discovered it, and she and I are both still on antidepressants.
We are both learning and growing and much work is being done to rebuild our relationship, hence my possibly odd question; everything else seems to be improving but this one aspect still freaks me out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Superfly said:


> Thanks, I went through what can best be described as PTSD when I discovered it, and she and I are both still on antidepressants.
> 
> We are both learning and growing and much work is being done to rebuild our relationship, hence my possibly odd question; everything else seems to be improving but this one aspect still freaks me out.


Does your wife know that you feel this way?

It's not an odd question at all. Some people go through what you are going through. It might change, it might not.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Why do you want to stay married to a woman who cheated on you, and more importantly, a woman whose intimacy makes you feel uncomfortable?

You can't really fix this. It's how you're wired, and there's nothing wrong with that.

I would stop having sex with her and seriously consider divorce.

Intimacy is the core of a relationship. You're bothered by the very thing that is supposed to keep you two together. Time to reevaluate the marriage.

There is nothing wrong with losing passion for her body. It's no longer special, and clearly not exclusive to you as she chose to share it with another man. She has betrayed your trust and love. Nothing, and I really mean nothing can change that fact.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Superfly said:


> We are both learning and growing and much work is being done to rebuild our relationship, hence my possibly odd question; everything else seems to be improving but this one aspect still freaks me out.


You will be getting a lot of people on here telling you that this cannot be fixed and to just divorce your wife. That is basically the advice given most of the time on this forum, CWI. 

It can be fixed.. it can take time. Give yourself a deadline... 6 months out.. see if you are doing better. Re-evaluate at that time.


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## Superfly (Apr 15, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Does your wife know that you feel this way?


Yes, we talk about how we are doing and feeling.



EleGirl said:


> You will be getting a lot of people on here telling you that this cannot be fixed and to just divorce your wife. That is basically the advice given most of the time on this forum, CWI.
> 
> 
> 
> It can be fixed.. it can take time. Give yourself a deadline... 6 months out.. see if you are doing better. Re-evaluate at that time.



Thanks, I have noticed that most people tend to give up.
My wife has discovered much about herself lately and seems to genuinely be making efforts to fix the areas that she was trying to fix with the affair. I have seen big changes in her and I respect her efforts and feel that since she is trying so hard, we like each other and have kids that it is worth trying to fix before just throwing in the towel.


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## cgiles (Dec 10, 2014)

When you met her, did you found her attractive as soon you met her, or after knowing her ?

Do you date her as now ?

She is not the woman you married anymore, she is a stranger, you need to build a new relationship with this stranger, and dating can help that. 

Some men "bangs" their wife non stop for clean them of the other man, others can't. 
Everyone is different. 

You should bring this in therapy. If your therapist doesn't have all the cards for help you, it can't help you fully.


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## Superfly (Apr 15, 2015)

As soon as I met her.

I don't understand the question, but if I understand you, we find it difficult to date at the moment.

I agree, and we are both trying to start again.

Thanks I will do.


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## feeling lost (Oct 17, 2009)

You are depressed in my opinion. Speak to your Counsellor about how you feel.
My wife cheated on me as well ,and 15 years later it still hurts. My Counsellor unfortunately did not help much. You may have better luck - I hope. 
You are hurting yourself unfortunately, so please try to sort it out. Just be aware that nothing is ever quite as it was before an affair. The affair changed everything and you need to find a way to live in the current.
Good luck!


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## cgiles (Dec 10, 2014)

You can't date her like when you was courting her ? 

A nice restaurant, dressing for impress her, and her for impress you, a bowling, a movie, ect... 

This kind of things.

Don't talk about the affairs as you are there.

If you have some works to do in your home, do it together, doing an activity together is a good way to connect with the other one.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

If reconciliation is the end game here you likely will need to give this more time. 7 months isn't going to be enough to find the new you and her that you are both trying to become. If this isn't better in a few years then it's likely that reconciliation isn't going to work.....but for now communicate with her what's going on. Maybe try and focus on the new life you'll have together instead of fixing the old life you had that fell apart?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The revulsion you are feeling is quite normal. It is an extension of the feelings of rejection you experienced when you found out she gave herself to another man. 

Understand that the sex she had with him was probably not better or worse than what she has with you... it was just different, because she was caught up in the hormonal high of being with a new person. He was a fantasy...an escape...a living Harlequin Romance novel. He had nothing over you. 

The rejection can be dealt with, but you need to bring this up to your marriage counselor. Don't let this slide or it will derail your progress. Your MC may or may not be qualified to deal with what you are going through. It sounds to me like you have some PTSD mixed in with your feelings of rejection and you may need to see a counselor who specializes in PTSD and adultery. 

Not all MCs know how to deal with adultery. If the one you and your wife are seeing does not, then time to look for a new one. 

And the best way to counter these feelings of inadequacy are working out, getting in great shape, dressing nicer, eating right and doing the things you like to do that will make you feel better about yourself. 

But beyond all that, give yourself time. Plenty of time. It will take years to get past this pain. Understand that you are in control of your own destiny, not your WW or your counselor. Do not let anyone rush your healing.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Superfly said:


> I used to love looking at her body and touching it etc, but now I find it awkward at best and completely uncomfortable at worst. I often try and avoid it, but when I do I get very sad.
> 
> I no longer see her body as special or exclusive to me, and this is a big problem for me.





EleGirl said:


> Does your wife know that you feel this way?





Superfly said:


> Yes, we talk about how we are doing and feeling.


No offence but you avoided answering the question kind of like a politician. I can see you not telling her to avoid hurting her feelings. *Did you tell her: “I no longer see your body as special or exclusive to me, and this is a big problem for me?”*


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

The antidepressants can also be numbing down your intimacy.


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## OpenEnded (Jul 30, 2012)

Hmm ... imagine .. if you see another woman on the street/beach/ with very similar body and face would you think her as attractive?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

After years of her successful rug sweeping my ex-wife finally fessed up to an 8-year affair.

It was hard enough walking around damaged from what was before then framed as a one time thing.

At that point I found her repulsive and stopped all intimacy. I was mortified to find out that many times I was the second one of the night. Yuck!

I ended up divorcing her and it was a big factor the revulsion, the disgust with her could not be overcome.

It was a visceral feeling that no talk therapy would fix.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You will be getting a lot of people on here telling you that this cannot be fixed and to just divorce your wife. That is basically the advice given most of the time on this forum, CWI.
> 
> It can be fixed.. it can take time. Give yourself a deadline... 6 months out.. see if you are doing better. Re-evaluate at that time.


Elegirl, how can this be fixed? It will never be the same. If this is fixable why give it 6 months. There should be no timeline because this is fixable. Could take a week. Could take a lifetime. The question is, how committed is the OP? 

Personally I do not see this as fixable. Can it be patched up and be as good as new? Sure. But it will never be the same.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

michzz said:


> After years of her successful rug sweeping my ex-wife finally fessed up to an 8-year affair.
> 
> It was hard enough walking around damaged from what was before then framed as a one time thing.
> 
> ...



^^^^^^^^This right here^^^^^^^^

Whether we want admit this, even if only to our selves, this is a tough thing to deal with.

She may have told you that she never had sex with the OM on the same day as you, or that if you both had sex with her the same day, you were never the second.

But we'll never truly know for sure and that's one of the worst things to try to reconcile with.

I'm guessing that she told you that she never had sex with you after having him in the same day. It may be true, but I tend to think that women know how bad it would effect their husbands if they did tell them this, so the don't.

Some people can claim that it's exactly the same if a man does this to their wife. But it's not. It's due to basic bio mechanics. Like a glass and a spoon.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> ^^^^^^^^This right here^^^^^^^^
> 
> Whether we want admit this, even if only to our selves, this is a tough thing to deal with.
> 
> ...


I agree with your points about how someone can feel repulsed by being the 2nd person of the day to enjoy intimacy with a spouse. No doubt somewhere deep in our primal selves a man has a different feeling about this than a woman might. HOWEVER, I call nonsense if you think that a woman couldn't feel the same way a guy would feel. While I agree with you that our primitive parts of the brain provide us with instincts and feelings, our higher functioning brains trump all of that. We have to process those whole levels of highly complex thoughts and feelings that we developed over time through living in civilizations over generations. We evolved a higher level functioning brain, and those feelings of rejection, of being swindled and lack of justice trump those baser feelings that males and females experience differently.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

If you do what bandit and Ele are saying, you've got a good shot. Don't let the negative get to you. If it brings up stuff, go work out and talk to the counselor. It's early to be rid of those feelings and they may never completely go. You have to build respect for yourself before you can start to see her as a woman again. You have to be committed and just let some stuff go as you address and put to rest one thing at a time and build. Do some things out of the desire to give it your best shot for your peace of mind. Always try to respect yourself and protect your character, and integrity. Later, things will become more clear and easier.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

A woman can definitely be repulsed by her cheating husband and no longer want to have sex with him...for the very same reasons a man would.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I agree with your points about how someone can feel repulsed by being the 2nd person of the day to enjoy intimacy with a spouse. No doubt somewhere deep in our primal selves a man has a different feeling about this than a woman might. HOWEVER, I call nonsense if you think that a woman couldn't feel the same way a guy would feel. While I agree with you that our primitive parts of the brain provide us with instincts and feelings, our higher functioning brains trump all of that. We have to process those whole levels of highly complex thoughts and feelings that we developed over time through living in civilizations over generations. We evolved a higher level functioning brain, and those feelings of rejection, of being swindled and lack of justice trump those baser feelings that males and females experience differently.


I never said anything about how women couldn't feel the same about it as men.

I said "_Some people can claim that it's exactly the same if a man does this to their wife. But it's not. It's due to basic bio mechanics. Like a glass and a spoon._"

I was trying not to get too graphic, but I guess it's analogy time.

Take a clean drinking glass. With a clean spoon you mix lemonade with them. taste the lemonade and it tastes like lemonade.

Now, dump the the lemonade and don't rinse the glass, or spoon. Get a clean glass and spoon and then make two chocolate milks, One with the lemon glass and clean spoon, the other with the clean glass and the lemon spoon.

Now taste. Which chocolate milk do you think is going to have the stronger lemon flavor in it?...

I'm sorry ladies if I've offended any of you.

My point is that any man that has found out that his wife/GF has cheated on him thinks about the "glass and spoon" effect.

Some of us are just better at not thinking about it, or even admitting that we've thought about it after realizing that we were unknowingly sharing our wife/GF.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> I never said anything about how women couldn't feel the same about it as men.
> 
> I said "_Some people can claim that it's exactly the same if a man does this to their wife. But it's not. It's due to basic bio mechanics. Like a glass and a spoon._"
> 
> ...



OH, I experienced exactly what you are describing.

If i can just say, knowing I was fully exposed to all fluids of her disgusting behavior. NOBODY should have to know that about their sex life with their wife. NOBODY.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

SF, were you both virgins when you met?

If not, then - to some extent - the way you thought about her PAST lovers then may be a way to think of this one. Her betrayal is the key factor coloring this one differently than previous ones, but other than your perspective, there isn't really a difference.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> SF, were you both virgins when you met?
> 
> If not, then - to some extent - the way you thought about her PAST lovers then may be a way to think of this one. Her betrayal is the key factor coloring this one differently than previous ones, but other than your perspective,* there isn't really a difference.*


Sure there is. The vows and commitment. My W dated before we married. I did not need the engrossing details of what occurred. She knew I dated and did not ask the intimate details. Our lives together started anew the day we married. Much different if you ask me.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Yeswecan, I did say OTHER THAN her betrayal, so your point is covered in that disclaimer.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Yeswecan, I did say OTHER THAN her betrayal, so your point is covered in that disclaimer.


Therefore it simply is not the same thing. Entirely different. Exclusivity is gone. This is what marriage is about. Sure, one could wonder when dating or first married what occurred before the dating and marriage. Most will ask. At that point one makes an assessment to move forward or dump and run. Once acceptance is completed then in that persons mind all is ok. After marriage...it is not ok. It is never the same or is very very difficult to make it appear to be the same.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It will get better. But it will take time.


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## Superfly (Apr 15, 2015)

Graywolf2 said:


> No offence but you avoided answering the question kind of like a politician. I can see you not telling her to avoid hurting her feelings. *Did you tell her: “I no longer see your body as special or exclusive to me, and this is a big problem for me?”*


Apologies if I wasn't clear, but yes I have said that.





OpenEnded said:


> Hmm ... imagine .. if you see another woman on the street/beach/ with very similar body and face would you think her as attractive?


Definitely!



Married but Happy said:


> SF, were you both virgins when you met?
> 
> 
> 
> If not, then - to some extent - the way you thought about her PAST lovers then may be a way to think of this one. Her betrayal is the key factor coloring this one differently than previous ones, but other than your perspective, there isn't really a difference.


That is the route I'm trying, but so far it's not working. Time will tell.


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## Superfly (Apr 15, 2015)

feeling lost said:


> You are depressed in my opinion. Speak to your Counsellor about how you feel.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You are probably right.

One thing I know for sure is that things won't be the same as before, this is very clear. I'm okay with different, as long as it's good.

Thanks


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

It's way different to have had previous lovers in the past, as in last year, even last month compared to the hour before.

You do see that, right?


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP:

there's one more component to come all the way back from feelings of inadequacy to feeling good about yourself again - gain the attraction and love of another woman, perhaps even a higher quality human being with better character. then you'll leave the thoughts of the OM and intimacy problems with your (current) wife behind for good IMO.

i.e. what is it about your wife that makes her even worth the 2-5 year recovery process? Nonetheless I won't minimize the dilemma you feel regarding your children.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

The reason you feel the way you do is because someone had a taste of something that should have been exclusively yours, this is why i could never forgive an affair no matter how i felt about someone or loved someone, the hurt, and the replaying in my mind.

It must take someone of great strength to be able to do that, and i have got nothing but the up most respect for people that can forgive forget and move on, but for me its not something that i would be able to do... I guess i am weak in that respect and cant do what others are able to do in the same situation.

I am the sort of person who replays things over and over in my mind, it would drive me nuts with the thought of someone that was supposed to be with just me had shared that kind of intimacy with another, its happened to me in the past and i was unable to move past it.

Good luck to you tho, I understand why you must feel the way you do.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

It's 2 - 5 years on average, whether he divorces or reconciles to get over the betrayal, lying, etc. 

Those intimacy problems don't always just go away when a person divorces. Many times, they will resurface in a new relationship or prevent dating altogether. 

Many find it impossible to move on until they have done the very work that would have helped them to reconcile.

Since everyone is different, it will take time to find someone who is compatible.

Since he won't know a new partner's past, he won't know if he is in a relationship with a woman who has been in an affair and not done the work to grow and change to reduce the chances of being unfaithful.

He'll find a whole new set of problems with a new partner. Everyone is flawed in some way. 

This list is not all inclusive, nor does it consider the condition and abilities of the BS. Also, there are very good reasons to divorce. Those reasons were not considered in this post, nor were the OP's specific issues.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

When married, we generally expect our partner to give their exclusive sexual best to each other. When another partner is brought into the relationship unknowingly and it is later discovered that you've been sharing your spouse sexually with another man, that is a big turnoff. It is one thing if the relationship is sexually open (swing, Sex 3.0, etc) where it may be a turn-on or a norm to sleep with others. 

For men, sexual exclusivity is the main reason for marriage (insert argument/debate here). When that is broken, then the foundation of the marriage is shattered. Recovery is a long road.

OP, your feelings of disgust are normal.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Superfly said:


> Hey folks,
> So I discovered about 7 months ago that my wife had an affair.
> We have spend lots of time in therapy and various other things and clearly the process is going to be a long one.
> 
> ...


You are only 7 months out from D-Day, and what you are feeling is normal for some people. Some couples go through a period of hysterical bonding, others do not. You obviously fit into the latter category. 

Seven months is not that long ago, it takes on average two to five years to recover and heal from infidelity...it REALLY is that traumatic. When I was only seven months out, I was still so full of rage and disgust. But then again, my fWW had an EA and not a PA. For me, a PA is a deal breaker, no matter what.

I can imagine the mind movies that you have. I went through that with my first wife. That's the basis of your disgust. You may ultimately decide it is a deal breaker for you too. There's nothing wrong with that.

If she's doing everything to help you heal and doing the heavy lifting, then I'd say give it time because it was still pretty recent. 

This June will be five years out for me, and I can say that it does take time and a remorseful WS to help you recover.


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## Sammiee (Apr 15, 2015)

Married but Happy said:


> SF, were you both virgins when you met?
> 
> If not, then - to some extent - the way you thought about her PAST lovers then may be a way to think of this one. Her betrayal is the key factor coloring this one differently than previous ones, but other than your perspective, there isn't really a difference.


I admire your creativity but the premise and resulting hypothesis is completely wrong. It's like saying "well that poor sap is dead but other than that he's no different from living people".


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

For a couple of months after my wife's affair I had difficulty in maintaining an erection.

Now? Why, now I could model for a coat peg! :smthumbup:

Well, sort of.


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## Sammiee (Apr 15, 2015)

Thanks for sharing.


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## RaceGirl (Apr 13, 2015)

My husband cheated on me for three years and I found out at the end of 2012. Apparently, he stopped messing around. We were separated for almost a year, now back together, but for the life of me, I can't help but think how he shared himself with so many other women. 9 that I know of. I think about his cheating every single day of my life since I found out. We did experience hysterical bonding, too, for about 6 months. 

I agree with someone who said it's hardwired. You can't forget that type of tragedy and betrayal. We have gone to joint and individual counseling. I have forgiven him, but I don't trust him. At all. So, it's been 2.5 years since my discovery day and I'm still healing. 

Good luck, sir, I hope everything goes well for you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sammiee said:


> Thanks for sharing.


You are welcome!:smthumbup:


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

OP After reading through your posts it seems that she is doing some heavy lifting, accepting responsibility and has humility. In spite of all that I would wager to say the 2-5 year scenario is spot on. 

You know yourself better than anyone. Do you see yourself getting past this? Based on what I know personally of others that have been through what you are going through you can have a successful marriage but it will never be quite the same. In some ways it may possibly become stronger and there will likely be a void that will always linger.

The thoughts you are having regarding the physical appeal of your wife are natural but she needs to know how you are being effected by this. I would suggest Sue Johnson's book "Hold me Tight". I think the exercises discussed and the approach to emotional intimacy and communication could be helpful.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> It will get better. But it will take time.


Or should that be:
"It CAN get better. But it will take time."

Not everyone can get past it. Some can, some can't.


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## Superfly (Apr 15, 2015)

Thanks everyone, especially for the well wishes.



2ntnuf said:


> It's 2 - 5 years on average, whether he divorces or reconciles to get over the betrayal, lying, etc.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


This is a great post and sums up a lot.





lordmayhem said:


> If she's doing everything to help you heal and doing the heavy lifting, then I'd say give it time because it was still pretty recent.



She has done some good work and shown remorse etc, but some days she still seems to frustrate me by diminishing my feelings and not being supportive enough.



RClawson said:


> You know yourself better than anyone. Do you see yourself getting past this?
> 
> you can have a successful marriage but it will never be quite the same. In some ways it may possibly become stronger and there will likely be a void that will always linger.


I honestly have no idea. I wish I did.

I'm sure you are correct.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

you can read all you want---you can get as much counseling as you want----unfortunately you CANNOT RID YOURSELF OF YOUR OWN SUBCONSCIOUS

That is eventually where this battle will be fought

also know that the woman you married---she is dead----there is someone else in her place----someone else who allowed another man inside of her----KNOWING FULL WELL SHE COULD VERY POSSIBLY DESTROY YOU/THE MGE/YOUR CHILDREN, even as she allowed this other man INSIDE HER----again---it is your subconscious you will fight this battle with----as you awaken in the middle of the night, very possibly with tears in your eyes, asking yourself----why----what did I do that caused this----same will happen when you are alone at work, or driving by yourself, or alone in your home

Trust will be gone----your carefree days are over, and your peace of mind may never return

At this point your wife brings out the revulsion in you-----many say it goes away over time-------reality of it is----IT WILL NEVER GO AWAY----maybe it will get better in the 2 to 5 yr period, maybe not-----but what no one here discusses----is the time period after you have retired, and your kids have left the house----in your late 60's/70's and up-----it will hit you very hard then----why you ask---because you have nothing but time on your hands-----24/7/365-----and during that time----much of your time is spent in thoughts-----you think, and think-----and unfortunately----that A----even tho it may have been many years ago----it will return to your thoughts day after day----for your wife is there right in front of you to trigger you------finding a new partner/being by yourself may help----but do not ever let anyone tell you this goes away-----IT NEVER GOES AWAY----------your wife broke her sacred vows, she took another man unto herself, knowing full well she was to be yours and yours alone based on those vows

I wish you luck, whatever you do-----just remember one thing whatever you do, do from here on out----it needs to be WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU----not your kids, and not your wife

Everyone says----you need to take care of your kids, and you do----but those same kids will fly away soon enuff-----and then what are you left with, your wife, and the sub-conscious memory of her with another man------sad to say, its the REALITY of it all


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Superfly...you have received lots of advice here....some of it very negative indeed; divorce...you will never trust her again etc.

All I can say is that the only person who can make the decision for you is YOU. 

As many have said, you are only some seven months into this. You have been hit hard...some people DO recover and get over it and have even better marriages than before, some don't.
Only YOU can decide if you think you can get over this.

I would also start (if you haven't already) asking yourself WHY your wife had an affair. 99% of us are monogamous. If we 'stray' there is usually a reason.
Someone in a marriage where all his/her emotional, physical, tangible, non tangible, sexual needs are met by their spouse is highly unlikely to 'stray'.

I know it will be very hard, but you must try to be very frank and open with your wife...total transparency...only then will you BOTH know if you have something worth saving.

Good luck!


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## Superfly (Apr 15, 2015)

askari said:


> I would also start (if you haven't already) asking yourself WHY your wife had an affair. 99% of us are monogamous. If we 'stray' there is usually a reason.
> 
> Someone in a marriage where all his/her emotional, physical, tangible, non tangible, sexual needs are met by their spouse is highly unlikely to 'stray'.


We have discussed (in therapy, and under guidance) the "causes", and accept that they are not an excuse in any way.
If the discussions have been honest, it appears that they were more to do with a condition for which she is now being treated medically, problems in early life, and also distorted views of sex based on early experiences.

All of these she is now aware of, and should have mechanisms in place to deal with it should she feel the need to fill those "voids" again.

Of course they remain a risk going forward, but as discussed, she is openly working on these issues and is now medicated.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Forgive me for speaking for women and in a general tone. I hope some will come and correct me where I am mistaken. I believe a good 50% approximately, of women lose their libido when they are finally in menopause. Many don't care to even have sex. Some will have it if you initiate and they are willing. Their are a few who will desire it. I think those women are in the minority. Again, I just read this somewhere and I am working off of memory. 

You will need, for retirement, someone you can trust and who you like being with and sometimes doing things with. That can sometimes be your wife. My personal opinion is that women who have felt love, affection, forgiveness and kindness through perimenopause will find their love and devotion strengthened in menopause. 

I don't know what stage of life you are in. 

Yes, it's important to consider all factors and you don't want to end up with someone whom you cannot trust in your old age. I am facing that prospect. It's a bit of a trigger for me, since all the terrible stuff that I went through was during exwife's change of life when all things emotional are critically important. 

In the end, you have to consider both sides of the equation. You must choose on your own. Many men love being single and doing as the please. They have the resources to go and enjoy life. I don't. My joy came from the love and affection I had with my wife. So, though I felt compelled to divorce, I thought it was the worst thing that could happen to me, since I knew I had little chance of finding another woman at this stage of life, who would want to be with me and would be dedicated and so on and so forth. 

Basically, I could eventually find someone that might even want to live together, but why would anyone want to marry, if they have their own money and family? 

Your personal situation has to be considered. 

Are you the type of man that is attractive physically, has a good income and savings, has dated before marriage and enjoyed the process, loves to do things alone or has a lot of friends to do things with, and makes friends easily?

If so, you have a very good chance of being happy and enjoying whatever comes your way after a divorce. Unless, getting a divorce would strip you of so much income, you are unable to find enough to have a life of your own beyond the costs of living. 

It will take time and lists to consider all of this. And, you don't always have a choice. She may just divorce you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

jnj express said:


> you can read all you want---you can get as much counseling as you want----unfortunately you CANNOT RID YOURSELF OF YOUR OWN SUBCONSCIOUS
> 
> That is eventually where this battle will be fought
> 
> ...


Wow...that was...cheerful. 

Why not throw ebola and threat of terrorism in the mix while you are at it?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> No doubt somewhere deep in our primal selves a man has a different feeling about this than a woman might. *HOWEVER, I call nonsense if you think that a woman couldn't feel the same way a guy would feel.*


Good point Plan.

I can assure you, I think I feel exactly the same way that many men here describe. The way I feel about my SO -- that special bond, connection, intimacy -- it's like a sacred "secret" shared just between the two of us.

Like OP has stated, I would be shattered if I discovered my SO had cheated on me. The intimacy would be destroyed, I would NEVER be able to look at him the same way or feel like his body was all mine.

I do not think I could get past it. I think (in fact I'm SURE) it would be the end of our relationship.

OP, I'm so very sorry you're going through this.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey bandit-------sad to say, that is the way it is when you get older

Even into and thru your 50's and up into your late 60's ---there is always plenty to do, and your mind has lots of things running thru, in re: active life

IT CHANGES----when you move on from there----when the activities lessen---and the days become long and drawn out----kids are not in contact with older parents on a regular basis----and UNFORTUNATELY----at that point you have lots and lots and lots of time to think

When you think----you will think of everything and what your marital partner did to you in the way of cheating----WILL COME UP AND SMACK YOU IN THE FACE----its reality---its the way it is

I am sure a very large % of the people on this site are a long way from what I talk about above, happening----BUT ONE DAY/SOME DAY---you will get there----and it will not be pretty-----its reality---cuz in no way shape or form, came you disengage your mind

You may not like what I said----but just know it is there----and do what you need to do, to deal with it----as I just said---YOU CANNOT TURN OFF YOUR MIND!!!!!!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Superfly

Did your wife ever clearly tell you why she chose to have an affair?

What was she looking to fix?

HM


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Mr. Blunt has some of the best posts I've seen on this issue. You had a subconscious conception of your WW that was blown away by the PA. Some of this conception was based on projection (seeing aspects that you needed to be there). Your admiration for her was based on this internalized understanding. Now you ask: Who is this woman, what does she stand for? You no longer trust nor admire her .. it stands to reason you would not find her attractive. 

Mr. Blunt would tell you that over a very long timeframe, you can regain 80-90% of the trust, but the admiration always lags. You will never get back to where you were before the PA, but you can get to pretty good. 

I am 2.5 yrs past DD. Think of the PA as an atomic bomb that killed the relationship. Now you are deciding if you can begin something new. You know a lot more about your WW now. Knowing what you now know, would you start a new relationship with her? (because that is what reconciliation is).


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Hey bandit-------sad to say, that is the way it is when you get older
> 
> Even into and thru your 50's and up into your late 60's ---there is always plenty to do, and your mind has lots of things running thru, in re: active life
> 
> ...


Well, I'm not getting married again, so I don't have to worry about this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> Forgive me for speaking for women and in a general tone. I hope some will come and correct me where I am mistaken. I believe a good 50% approximately, of women lose their libido when they are finally in menopause. Many don't care to even have sex. Some will have it if you initiate and they are willing. Their are a few who will desire it. I think those women are in the minority. Again, I just read this somewhere and I am working off of memory.


Apparently a good number of women do lose their libido.

But let's not forget that men have a lot of sex issues as they age as well.

How Sex Changes for Men After 50, Sex Advice & Tips for Older Men, - AARP

I think that as people age, the issue is a problem if they expect sex to be like it was when they were 20-25. There are many ways to enjoy a good sex live even in one's old age.

Of course men have Viagra now. Someday, someone will finally care enough to come up with something that helps women as well.


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## Superfly (Apr 15, 2015)

Thanks all for your responses.
Time to look forward now.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Jung_admirer said:


> Think of the PA as an atomic bomb that killed the relationship. Now you are deciding if you can begin something new.


Good analogy.

It leads into the biggest problem that a BS faces while deciding if they "can begin something new".

Is the radioactive fallout left behind by the blast going to poison then further, while attempt an R and remain married?...

What was once hallowed ground to us, is now a barren waste land. It's the toughest choice to make. A decision that they never wanted to even ponder, or ever thought would have to make.

They're still in love with their FWS, but they were in love with them when they cheated also.

Superfly, did you stay somewhere else after you found out about the affair? The only time I think that living apart for a week, or four, might help is when the BS is having a hard time deciding whether to attempt R, or D the WS. I wonder if spending some time on your own would help you realize what you want/need to do more clearly...

There's really no "right, or wrong" answer here. It comes down to weighing out the possible risks against the possible benefits.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Thank you for raising this topic. I think that the devastation caused by the physical aspect of the affair often tends to be overlooked or underplayed. Many men tend to keep these feeling inside rather than share them. I'm not sure why that is but here are some ideas:

Maybe it's because the physical aspect of the hurt is more of a male thing (and I do think it is). While women certainly feel pain from the physical acts that her cheating partner engaged in, I think that for women the focus is more on other aspects of betrayal like the emotional aspects, broken trust, etc. A man more often get stuck in a cycle of turmoil knowing what another man physically did to his wife. He might feel like he's viewed as shallow for focusing on the graphic physical aspects of the betrayal. So he keeps it inside.

I agree with the points about biology. The act is an invasion. It's invasive to her body. Roles in sex are different between a man and a woman. It's biology. Unfortunately it's not politically correct to think this way and a man might feel he cannot share these thoughts because it's not a modern way of thinking.

It's also not politically correct or 'modern' to think about sex making a woman 'dirty' or 'used'. Many guys will feel like their cheating wife has been soiled by the OM, perhaps soiled forever. This might also cause men to keep these feelings inside.

A man who has been cheated on will often have some very politically incorrect words running through his head when he tries to be physical with her again. He's not supposed to feel this way so he keeps it in.

Focus on the physical invasion of one's wife is humiliating for many men so they keep it in. It's a lose-lose situation. Society does not favor weak men but on the other hand, any thoughts about being humiliated and a feeling of being defeated by another man 'objectifies' a woman and such competition is often considered silly 'male ego' by today's standards.

Finally, the truth of what she did is graphic. It's downright ugly. It's disturbing. It's disgusting. So in society we like to make it nicer. They 'slept together' we might want to say. A man who confronts the ugly truth about where she's been and what she's done is focusing on the negative. He's wallowing in pain. No man wants to be seen this way. So he keeps it in.

In summary, I don't think men feel like they can talk about this aspect of being hurt by a cheating wife. They may also feel like they cannot articulate it properly and that they will just be misunderstood. They may end up looking worse for it.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

My son is a person who has always wanted the security of a guarantee that what he plans to do will succeed and lead to some state of happiness. He was forever asking for help from me for this - 'Mom, if I do A, or B, will I get C?'

For years I just tried to encourage him to do his best to stack the deck in his favor and to realize that there are no guarantees. He should be honest, educate himself, work hard, act honorably. Past being a good, hard-working, honest human being, you can't often do much to guarantee that you will achieve what you want. And as you are working toward that happy place, life can be very challenging. The challenging times can go on for a long time.

I think you should do what posters like bandit have advised, which is to stack the deck in your favor for your future, either in R or not, by working on yourself and staying honorable as you do it. You may have years to power through as you feel unhappiness, but in the end you will have done the best you could.

The bad feelings you have now will be with you for a while. You can't wish them away, so stay physically healthy, be honest, work hard for yourself & see what happens. Perhaps your sexual attraction for your WW will return. Perhaps not. Either way, you will know after a while which way it is going and you can respond at that time.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

couple said:


> Thank you for raising this topic. I think that the devastation caused by the physical aspect of the affair often tends to be overlooked or underplayed. Many men tend to keep these feeling inside rather than share them. I'm not sure why that is but here are some ideas:
> 
> *Maybe it's because the physical aspect of the hurt is more of a male thing (and I do think it is). While women certainly feel pain from the physical acts that her cheating partner engaged in, I think that for women the focus is more on other aspects of betrayal. * A man more often get stuck in a cycle of turmoil knowing what another man physically did to his wife. He might feel like he's viewed as shallow for focusing on the graphic physical aspects of the betrayal. So he keeps it inside.
> 
> ...


This is outstanding Couple. I can tell that you put a lot of thought into it. 

In regard to the bolded part :iagree:

It’s very primitive and biological. 

(PA tends to be more troubling for men) Men were afraid the kid they’re putting resources into wasn’t theirs. 

(EA tends to be more troubling for women) Women were afraid that their mate would give scarce resources to another woman and her kids thus taking them away from her kids.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

There are changes for some at midlife .. our bodies change, our emotions change and our values & priorities change. At near 50, I look at my WW and I see right through the physical to what is now more important to me: honesty, integrity and vulnerability. 

You will not see a wayward differently until they do the work (IC) such that you experience the values you need them to mirror. Jung said one needs to have the courage not just to observe but to wade into the swamplands of the soul. It is a devastating journey of self-confrontation to know thyself. It's also a necessary journey if you believe "an unexamined life is not worth living".

Time cannot heal the wounds which have not been grieved. 
-Jung_Admirer


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

I at times think about people and the amount of "time" they need to recover. What is it they are recovering? Are they recovering to where they can function and actually stomach being married to that same person that sh!t-canned their heart or learn to deal with it? Or do they fully never remember it as it it never happened? Because I came the conclusion that even if I did divorce and get married again, it would still be there. The feelings of betrayal might go from the X to the replacement. And that is not really fair. I think it sucks. Because no matter how much time goes by, its there. No matter how much they regret causing you to feel or think about the affair, its there. No matter how many "I'm Sorry's" you get, its still there. I tried the counselor thing and it was all about "tell me about this" tell me about that" "what about the affair makes you so angry?". All worthless BULLSH!T!!! The only thing that has worked so far is having tolerance for the past but having none for the future. Otherwise if you don't tolerate it, its a divorce for sure.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Couple, you've said well what many men feel.

The aftermath is being stuck with either the situation you laid, or a divorce you may not want, that will upend your life. Both situations are also unpleasant, and permanent.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Augusto said:


> I at times think about people and the amount of "time" they need to recover. What is it they are recovering? Are they recovering to where they can function and actually stomach being married to that same person that sh!t-canned their heart or learn to deal with it? Or do they fully never remember it as it it never happened? Because I came the conclusion that even if I did divorce and get married again, it would still be there. The feelings of betrayal might go from the X to the replacement. And that is not really fair. I think it sucks. Because no matter how much time goes by, its there. No matter how much they regret causing you to feel or think about the affair, its there. No matter how many "I'm Sorry's" you get, its still there. I tried the counselor thing and it was all about "tell me about this" tell me about that" "*what about the affair makes you so angry?*". All worthless BULLSH!T!!! The only thing that has worked so far is having tolerance for the past but having none for the future. Otherwise if you don't tolerate it, its a divorce for sure.












I have forgiven your betrayal, but I grieve the fact I can no longer trust you.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Jung_admirer said:


> I have forgiven your betrayal, but I grieve the fact I can no longer trust you.


I also pass on my compliments to Couple, and to Jung Admirer.

will only put out there two of my many qurstions/observations.

i. is it possible to love a person that you do not trust?

ii. it is very difficult for me to accept, or to believe that the bad and upsetting "movies" play just as obsessively in the head of the divorced then remarried man, as they do in the head of the "reconciling" man. because in the latter case the star actress is there, everyday, to trigger the replay of the show. 
I mention because I read this kind of assertion often on TAM - that the hurt a man feels is there and takes same amount of time to go away whether he does D, or R or falls for a brand new wife or girlfriend.

anyway just something hard for me to understand...


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"For years I just tried to encourage him to do his best to stack the deck in his favor and to realize that there are no guarantees. He should be honest, educate himself, work hard, act honorably. Past being a good, hard-working, honest human being, you can't often do much to guarantee that you will achieve what you want. And as you are working toward that happy place, life can be very challenging. The challenging times can go on for a long time."

alte dame,

This is such great advice....it mirrors almost exactly what my parents, especially my father, instilled in me.

There is one other thing my father always drilled into my head though.

NEVER allow another person to walk on and disrespect you...not ever.

Failing to stand up for yourself is soul crushing in the end....there is no single thing that can be more damaging to your self-esteem and worth.

And the worst thing about it is this....it is entirely a SELF-INFLICTED wound.

I think this is the thing that jnj was talking about a few posts ago, and it is something no BS can EVER escape.

It isn't really about the things a WS has done to a BS that linger forever....it is the sense that they ultimately failed and let down themselves and their own values that truly eats away at a BS over the years.

They have to forever face the fact that they allowed another person (well 2 if you count the POS AP if they never dished out consequences) to treat them in one of the most hurtful and disrespectful ways possible....and they couldn't even walk away and save their own dignity.

That kind of self-abasement can eat away at your soul.


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## Foolish Man (Apr 16, 2015)

Thanks for bringing up this topic and starting this thread. This is a tough one for me and I think the wounds are still to fresh for me to share much, but I am paying attention to what is going on with me and when I am more comfortable I will contribute.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

nuclearnightmare said:


> I also pass on my compliments to Couple, and to Jung Admirer.
> 
> will only put out there two of my many qurstions/observations.
> 
> ...


These are very hard questions ... OK, first response:

i. When we trust someone, we can be vulnerable in the relationship. This vulnerability creates intimacy which is the basis of romantic love. If you don't trust someone, the relationship is necessarily platonic until you can rebuild trust. You may act lovingly, but without intimacy the relationship is a shell that will crumble under the strains of everyday living.

ii. Whether you reconcile or not, the wounding of betrayal needs to be healed. Immediately moving into another relationship after D does not allow you time to heal and grieve the ending of the relationship. The WS can help you heal during R by showing remorse and empathy, but ultimately healing is the responsibility of the BS (yep, unfair ... I agree)


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

couple said:


> Maybe it's because the physical aspect of the hurt is more of a male thing (and I do think it is). While women certainly feel pain from the physical acts that her cheating partner engaged in, I think that for women the focus is more on other aspects of betrayal like the emotional aspects, broken trust, etc. A man more often get stuck in a cycle of turmoil knowing what another man physically did to his wife. He might feel like he's viewed as shallow for focusing on the graphic physical aspects of the betrayal. So he keeps it inside.


I used to believe this as well until I met a fair number of BW who were just as crushed by the physical aspect of their WH affair. They also suffered just as bad as us men, the horrible mind movies and extreme bouts of self doubts and worth as people.

There is also the added element of women constantly being bombarded with looking pretty or attractive to attract men. A lot of women are still very body conscious and unlike us guys, very harsh in their view of their bodies - even if we find nothing wrong with them or view them as gorgeous. So imagine the devastation on a woman who has just found out that her husband has been having an affair. With many BH, it is usually the OM's junk but with many BW it is the OW's total body. But with both sexes, it is that nagging doubt that the AP was physically superior than us BS that caused our WS to betray us.

No matter how you cut it, it sucks to be betrayed by your spose whether you are a man or a woman.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Superfly

The pain this one aspect of my WW infidelity is perhaps the worst. Very difficult to navigate your way through this as it held such importance to me. My WW is my first, I had never been with another woman. Intimacy was something I held great value in and that has forever changed. It saddens me to write this, I feel tears begin to well up, and I'm astounded it didn't have the same value to my WW. I have been unable to see her as I did before the affair, her body is the same, she is the exact same weight and height, but it's different now. I consider intimacy to be the most beautiful expression of love between two people, prior to marriage I never felt the way I do with my WW then I did the women I dated. Intimacy is special and should be shared with someone special. Just my belief and opinion.

After my WW affair that all changed, I felt emasculated, the joke of the town, the guy who couldn't satisfy his wife, the guy who's wife cheated with an AP who is twenty five years older then her, the guy who was completely humiliated and destroyed. I found it hard to leave the house, interact with people at work or anywhere else. I tried to avoid my wife, I couldn't hold her hand, I couldn't put my arm around her, and it was difficult to kiss her. Everything was destroyed, would never be the same, and I struggle with this each and every day. I write here to heal, I've talked about intimacy and its value and my belief, but I've never spoken about her body. It hurts me to write this and my vision is blurry from my tears.

Intimacy hasn't been the same to me, our MC had said it is now changed forever but that it will return to what it was. I'm not so sure of that, before making love was off the charts and now it's awkward and anxious for me. I struggle knowing another male was allowed to "have" her body the same that I was allowed. I used to look in her eyes while intimate, and now I can't, it's all changed forever now. Will it get back to what it was, will I value intimacy as I did, will I be able to gaze lovingly into her eyes? Right now the answer is no, but I hold out hope that it does return.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

drifting on,

I'm so sorry to read that. I think I could have written something very similar, and more because I am not reconciling. I cannot imagine how someone can swallow their pride and deal with all of that without having someone else in their mind and their eyes closed, or a centerfold from some magazine taped to the headboard. Man, that sucks. I hope you don't harm yourself more by doing all of that. Take all the good care of yourself that you are able. Spend time and money on yourself. Give yourself nice things. You deserve it. Got a dang lump in my throat. All my best to you.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

drifting on:

you obvuiosly have to make your own life decisions, but to me what you're describing necessitates divorce as the only way for you to heal. do you have children?

I just don't think the average person can afford (psychologically) to keep around someone that has humiliated them to that degree - the person centrally responsible for the humiliation. your wife demonstrated to you that there is nothing all that special about your marriage or your relationship. if you want that kind of strong marriage you need to seek out someone else to form it with. someone who will love you and not cheat on you. and I believe there are plenty of women out there that would not do what your wife did. again, just IMO


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> drifting on,
> 
> I'm so sorry to read that. I think I could have written something very similar, and more because I am not reconciling. I cannot imagine how someone can swallow their pride and deal with all of that without having someone else in their mind and their eyes closed, or a centerfold from some magazine taped to the headboard. Man, that sucks. I hope you don't harm yourself more by doing all of that. Take all the good care of yourself that you are able. Spend time and money on yourself. Give yourself nice things. You deserve it. Got a dang lump in my throat. All my best to you.



I don't know if it's swallowing my pride or because of my pride. My WW cheated, no worse then any other story of infidelity on here. Each part of infidelity affects each of us differently, intimacy and how I valued it and my beliefs of its definition, affected me deeply. I have come a long way, from being suicidal to being able to accept that my WW had an affair. Will I feel differently in a year? Who knows, but I have a date in mind, and if I'm not happy then I know I did everything I could. I will know how strong and how weak I am. Sometimes I get deeply saddened by how I feel and at other times I think I'm doing the best I can. Because intimacy came up in IC the last two weeks, I shared it here. 

I wish you the best and hope that you find peace and happiness in your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

nuclearnightmare said:


> drifting on:
> 
> you obvuiosly have to make your own life decisions, but to me what you're describing necessitates divorce as the only way for you to heal. do you have children?
> 
> I just don't think the average person can afford (psychologically) to keep around someone that has humiliated them to that degree - the person centrally responsible for the humiliation. your wife demonstrated to you that there is nothing all that special about your marriage or your relationship. if you want that kind of strong marriage you need to seek out someone else to form it with. someone who will love you and not cheat on you. and I believe there are plenty of women out there that would not do what your wife did. again, just IMO



I appreciate your opinion, and believe me that I have thoroughly examined my situation and on the path best for me, then best for my family. Yes I have kids, identical twin boys. Believe me when I tell you, reconciliation is the best path for me. As I stated earlier infidelity affects all of us differently, what may bother you I may find not so bad. I felt many emotions after d-day and when it came to intimacy that is what I felt. It has gotten somewhat better but not nearly as much as I had hoped. Can it change, I hope so, but this is where I'm at for the moment. I was hurt and destroyed without question, do I know this will never happen again if I do divorce, no. 

Reconciliation is a very difficult, but our MC has been awesome, and I think she is leading us to better ground. I have recovered well in most areas, but intimacy has definitely been a struggle for me. Good luck in your future, and I wish you peace and happiness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

another shot said:


> You are focus on the wrong thing during a special moment. Focus on the moment. Be present in that moment. Unfortunately you are elsewhere and that spoils it likely for both of you. You also can question your belief system about exclusives. At that moment she chose you to be share herself with. Take all the negatives that pop into your head, write them down and then challenge them n paper.
> 
> This is an exercise in cognitive distortions which you should google to learn more about. They are a common cause of depression. I think it will help you a lot to write down those distrotions you are expressing and then challenge them with reality


This is absolutely true, but it really isn't as simple as "being in the moment". It's something counsellors LOVE to say, but in my experience, it is a long road to get to that place.

I'm going to be blunt. You must accept that you aren't going to "be in the moment" until the bond is repaired with your wife.
Simply be aware of it when you are feeling awkward or stressed during sex. Don't beat yourself up. Just tell yourself, "you know what, of course I am going to feel weird after what happened".

Next, accept that it is going to take a long time to repair your bond. When we say years here on TAM, accept that it REALLY IS GOING TO TAKE YEARS.

Still onboard? OK then. You need to continue taking steps to repair the bond with your wife. Talk to your wife and have a "check up". Talk about how you are both coping with the rigours of repairing a marriage, whether you are still on board and whether you are both ready for another 1-2 years of it.

Then, simply continue down the path of repairing your bond. Use all the techniques you have been taught, get books, whatever.

But if it was me (and I chose not to leave my marriage after false R from my wife), then I would be focussing on encouraging a CLEAR line of BRUTAL HONESTY between the two of you. It may not be fun, it may not be flattering, but it is the quickest way to repair your marriage.

One more thing. A lot of the honest feedback is going to be negative such as "I still have very little trust for you". I haven't read much about this, but I have learnt a lot about relationships and people's insecurities since and I would suggest you do anything negative at an arranged time.
Tell your wife you have some things you would like to talk about that she may not like to hear but you feel you have to say and arrange a time to talk about it calmly. This will allow her to feel like you are not trying to catch her off guard and allows her to participate in the discussion, and also bring her own issues to the table.

Good luck dude. You are one tough bloke for trying R. It is hard.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Oh and by the way, when your counsellor tells you "it will be the same as it was before" that is total bullsh*t.

It will never be the same, whether you are with your wife or with another woman. You are a changed man now.

Take the positives from that and create a relationship with a deeper respect and trust connection.

You didn't have respect from your wife before. Try to accept that. Try to imagine what is required to have strong mutual respect and simply do that.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Superfly, you may or may not still be reading this thread, but I think that when your WW makes you feel safe in the marriage again, when she has done everything she can to fix her issues and make herself into a safe partner once again, you will start to be physically attracted to her again.

The lack of attraction is a direct function of your feeling unsafe and unable to feel comfortable with her.


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