# Analyze this



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

In hindsight, I'm trying to understand some of the things my exW said about her A and AP, because there was too much to try and process at the time. Perhaps this is a fool's quest to understand the wayward mind, but I'd be interested in hearing opinions from both men and women.

(Feel free to post your own, too.)

"I feel maternal towards him."

That's my starter.

AP was an only child; I'm wondering if that had something to do with the dynamic.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Staystrong, I really think this is a fool's errand. 

Whatever she said/says will change. 

I heard things like "she was so nice". Ummm...yes, so nice that she chose to knowingly **** a married man with two teenagers and participate in the break up of a marriage. *barf* I know why he cheated and it had nothing to do with her being nice.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

SS I agree with Fenix...it is a fool's game. I remember I spoke with guy whose wife left him for another dude just after mine left me and I said to him "I just want to know why." to which he replied "why would you want to hear any rationale coming out of the mouth of a cheater? anything that does would only be a lie." Made sense. I know now the same as I know then...she cheated because she wanted to....remember if their lips are moving.....they are lying.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I agree. Most of the stuff I can rule out as wayward fog, but there a few that simply interest me from a psychological perspective. I'm still trying to figure this one out.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

staystrong said:


> In hindsight, I'm trying to understand some of the things my exW said about her A and AP, because there was too much to try and process at the time. Perhaps this is a fool's quest to understand the wayward mind, but I'd be interested in hearing opinions from both men and women.
> 
> (Feel free to post your own, too.)
> 
> ...


Staystrong--trying to understand wtf was going on in your WS' head is normal, but unfortunately trying to get there based on what she tells you might be futile. They will say anything (maternal? does that mean there was an Oedipal thing going on?). Many of the truly remorseful WS here say that they themselves don't know what they were thinking.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

staystrong said:


> In hindsight, I'm trying to understand some of the things my exW said about her A and AP, because there was too much to try and process at the time. Perhaps this is a fool's quest to understand the wayward mind, but I'd be interested in hearing opinions from both men and women.
> 
> (Feel free to post your own, too.)
> 
> ...


Cheaters usually grasp at straws for valid excuses, things that will somehow legitimize or explain away or minimize their bad behavior.

In addition, a lot of people, especially in emotional situations, may use the wrong, or inaccurate, word, either because they don't understand the meaning or are just plain lying.

Look at the definition of maternal. Was she trying to say that she was sexually attracted to someone she looked at as a son? Or someone related to her through her mother's side of the family?

I also posted some information on the so-called "scientific" relationship between romantic and maternal love, though I doubt your wife was referring to this when she said it to you.

_Full Definition of MATERNAL

1
: of, relating to, belonging to, or characteristic of a mother : motherly
2
a : related through a mother <his maternal aunt>
b : inherited or derived from the female parent <maternal genes>
— ma·ter·nal·ly adverb
See maternal defined for English-language learners »
See maternal defined for kids »
Examples of MATERNAL

Doctors are concerned about the effects of the drug on maternal health.
<her maternal instincts told her that something was wrong>
Origin of MATERNAL

Middle English, from Middle French & Medieval Latin; Middle French maternel, from Medieval Latin maternalis, from Latin maternus, from mater mother — more at mother
First Known Use: 15th century_

IT MUST BE LOVE LOVE LOVE: THE NEUROBIOLOGY OF LOVE

It Must Be Love Love Love: The Neurobiology of Love | Antisense Science

Conceptually, romantic and maternal love may be seen as very distinct, but it’s easy to see why humans have evolved these emotions: together, they lead to the production and safe-keeping of children – the foundation of species survival. It’s therefore not surprising that the biology of these two emotions involves similar areas of the brain, whilst also incorporating discrete areas that may account for the perceived difference between the two states. 

Neurobiology of Love: Reward Systems

The neurochemistry of love involves many areas of the brain, many of which form the brain’s ‘reward system’. Put simply, the ‘reward system’ is the pathway that, when active, allows us to perceive feelings of pleasure and fulfillment. These areas are also associated with addiction and desires, as well as reward, and contain high levels of the neuro-regulator dopamine. Release of dopamine from the hippocampus in the brain is said to trigger a ‘’feel-good’’ state.

Dopamine, alongside oxytocin and vasopressin, is highly associated with romantic love, and is important for both the formation of personal and intimate relationships, as well as being intimately linked to sex itself. Interestingly, increased levels of dopamine are coupled to decreased levels of a different molecule in the brain – serotonin. This depletion of serotonin levels, which is seen in the early stages romantic love, has also been observed in people with obsessive-compulsive disorders, and this might suggest why – particularly in the ‘honeymoon period’ of a relationship – we often seem to be almost obsessed with a partner!

Levels of nerve growth factor are also elevated in the early periods of a relationship, and it has been suggested that higher levels of this molecule correlate to increased intensity of the feelings of love.

Oxytocin and vasopressin are neuro-modulators that, like dopamine, are also produced by the hypothalamus and are stored in the pituitary gland for later release into the blood. These seem to have a role in forming bonds and feelings of attachment to others, particularly in romantic love, and high levels of these are released into the blood stream following orgasm in both men and women. Interestingly, they are also released during child-birth and breast feeding, again showing an interesting link the biology of romantic and maternal love.

Shutting Down Negative Feelings in Love

The hypothalamus itself seems only to be activated during sexual arousal, and this portion of the brain may therefore be responsible for distinguishing between romantic and maternal feelings of love. Sexual arousal and romantic love also appear to be coupled with de-activation of regions of the frontal cortex (the front of the brain), which is largely involved in judgement, and this might explain why individuals might engage in sexual activity that they later regret (presumably after they’ve switched their judgemental frontal cortex back on!).

Increased activity in areas of the brain involved in romantic love also lead to de-activation of a number of other areas of the brain, including the amygdala, parietal cortex and middle temporal cortex. The amygdala is involved in feelings of fear, and its de-activation during feelings of romantic love may well explain why love can make people feel fearless.

Deactivation of other areas in both romantic and maternal love impede feeling negative emotions, prevent formation of critical judgements of others, and can interfere with our ability to distinguish between ourselves and others, which together might explain why we often fail to see flaws in the people we love and can feel an incredibly close sense of unity to a partner or child.

Esch T, & Stefano GB (2005). The Neurobiology of Love. Neuro endocrinology letters, 26 (3), 175-92 PMID: 15990719
Bartels A, & Zeki S (2004). The neural correlates of maternal and romantic love. NeuroImage, 21 (3), 1155-66 PMID: 15006682

http://kyb.mpg.de/fileadmin/user_upload/files/publications/attachments/Bartels2004_maternalLove_%5b0%5d.pdf


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Any rationalization is reasonable to a cheater. ANY. 

"I felt maternal to an only child". How does that add up to your wife hopping on his d!ck?

You can put any silly explanation up here and a cheater can rationalize it. 

I lie. We all lie. We've all made silly excuses for our lies to justify them in our own mind. It's human nature. Of course your wife's rationalization is ridiculous. Feeling maternal means she slept with her kid, right?

My husband told me he felt sorry for one on his AP's kids. ?? Okay, and screwing his mom was making him better. Lol. 

Yep, a fools errand for sure.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

He had a lot of charisma!

(after thought) oh you did too.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Every tort, or virtually everything a person does, involves pressure (motivation), opportunity, and rationalization. Pressure is the perception of something they want or need that lies outside their relationship. Opportunity is an available affair partner and the freedom to carry it out, and rationalization what they tell themselves to justify the action. In other words its the "heart" telling the brain to find a reason for the action that cast them in the most favorable light possible. 

Feeling maternal "feels" better to her than the likely real reason she wanted the ego boost of attracting and seducing much younger men. Its not a problem you could have fixed my man.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

_"He's a nice guy....with good qualities"_ 

That nice and good, that, 8 months after starting an affair, separating from me and being in a 'relationship' with him....she then started seeing one of my 'friends'.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

As the others have said, your wife was grabbing at straws to try to justify her reprehensible actions.

I have pondered as well some of the ridiculous things my fiance said to me to justify the choices he made with his EA. for example, to explain why she was worthy of taxi fare (when I was not) and the closing of her and her friends' bar tabs (when he refused to do it for me), he said that he preferred me over her and that's why he felt comfortable making me jump through hoops while ha gave her the girlfriend treatment. HE didn't care about her, he told me, and that's why he could be so nice to her. Oh brother.

A tangential issue to this, IMO, is that you need to be careful when a partner becomes very critical of you. At some point you have to accept that it is not contructive feedback or heartfelt disappointment, instead it's a creation of a portfolio of complaints against you that he /she can use when ever they need some sort of justification. 

IOW, get to the bottom of why your partner claims to be upset with you. IT could be an early warning signal.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Everyone is right, don't even try. Unlikely she knows the real reasons and she's highly motivated to put herself in the better possible light.

Anyway, just an idea.
Maternal as caretaker?
It can be actualy an accusation, with him she felt needed, saw him as someone she could take care of (while you are strong and independent).
Maybe a different spin of the KISA complex.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> We cannot figure out ourselves much less expect that our BS can figure it out. Don't try to analyze. My husband has been trying to figure out the things I said for thirty years....I still don't have an answer...I don't even remember SAYING some of the things on his list he composed. I do know when I begin to feel too comfortable...I read the list and it knocks the breath right out of me and reminds me of what I did to him.


That sounds masochistic


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

staystrong said:


> "I feel maternal towards him."


Where's the puke emoticon? Seriously, if my stbxww said that to me I would've had an extremely difficult time not spitting in her face.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

Don't bother. Even if you find the answer, would that change anything?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sounds like she was saying she felt like nurturing/rescuer type/wanted to take care of him/saw him as needing cared for.

Without more to go on, I think that is what it means.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I'm on board with the caretaker reading. I think that caretaking is a natural part of romantic attachment for both men and women. The thing about the 'maternal' comment is that it refers to a very special, deeply-felt caretaking. It's very personal. For me, an oedipal spin is too literal, though.

(And as others have pointed out, she may have just been talking sh!t to justify herself to you. It's very possible that there is no validity to the comment, either in her head or out of it.)


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *By Mrs. JA*
> I do know when I begin to feel too comfortable...I read the list and it knocks the breath right out of me and reminds me of what I did to him.
> 
> 
> ...


Very good way to help keep the progress going for Mr. and Mrs. JA!
Remembering the consequences to keep making progress is not contrary to forgiveness.



> By Mrs. JA
> I am still trying to work through self forgiveness...


*Thirty years is long enough! You said that our husband forgives you so now refresh your faith and start believing God 100%*


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Wait, I thought it was because we made them do it.?.


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## beautiful_day (Mar 28, 2013)

I don't think she means maternal, I think she means protective. Perhaps he spun her a sob story and she fell for it? 

I got "She's just so normal". What the heck am I supposed to do with that?!


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

beautiful_day said:


> I don't think she means maternal, I think she means protective. Perhaps he spun her a sob story and she fell for it?
> 
> I got "She's just so normal". What the heck am I supposed to do with that?!


Choke it down and live with it, probably.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

I think the "I felt maternal" comment is probably her trying to say something that didn't sound horrible. If she really thought about it I doubt maternal would be the word she used. 

There are young women I know whom I feel paternal towards. In no way do I want to have sex with them.


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## beautiful_day (Mar 28, 2013)

"Choke it down and live with it, probably" 

Maybe, but it's immaterial because I jettisoned his arse


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Our family friend the cop, after some years, finally got an explanation from his XWW:

"I felt he needed me."

That's right...he needed someone to support his drug habit, he needed someone to fall for his lies, he needed someone to believe his B.S. stories about his run-ins with the law, he needed someone to be his punching bag when he got high/drunk, he needed someone to get hooked on meth so that she would understand him more, he needed someone to smack around when he "got upset", he needed someone to be his "b*tch" at home while he would disappear for days at a time...

"He needed me."


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sometimes the reasons they give are lies. But they told those lies to themselves, first.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

+1 to the feminine version of a KISA. 

I believe my ex wanted someone that would play the maternal-type role for him... The problem is, I am more of a career/goal driven athletic type with a touch of feminism. Obviously this caused a lot of friction!

In essence perhaps your wife wanted to do many acts of service as representation of her feelings for him? Perhaps she liked feeling needed....


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

+1 to the feminine version of a KISA. 

I believe my ex wanted someone that would play the maternal-type role for him... The problem is, I am more of a career/goal driven athletic type with a touch of feminism. Obviously this caused a lot of friction!

In essence perhaps your wife wanted to do many acts of service as representation of her feelings for him? Perhaps she liked feeling needed....


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

staystrong said:


> I agree. Most of the stuff I can rule out as wayward fog, *but there a few that simply interest me from a psychological perspective*. I'm still trying to figure this one out.


Well everything is psychological. I assume he was a fixer then. The issue is that she developed an emotional attachment to him and that's on her. No excuses. Reading "Not Just Friends" will give more info than we can probably.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Pepper123 said:


> +1 to the feminine version of a KISA.
> 
> I believe my ex wanted someone that would play the maternal-type role for him... The problem is, I am more of a career/goal driven athletic type with a touch of feminism. Obviously this caused a lot of friction!
> 
> In essence perhaps your wife wanted to do many acts of service as representation of her feelings for him? Perhaps she liked feeling needed....


She was needed at home.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> Well everything is psychological. I assume he was a fixer then. The issue is that she developed an emotional attachment to him and that's on her. No excuses. Reading "Not Just Friends" will give more info than we can probably.


Bought that early on. Electronic version.

It was never read.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

*Re: Re: Analyze this*



staystrong said:


> She was needed at home.


Agreed. .. but realize that you'd have to consider things this from her perspective, if you want to attempt to understand her mindset.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Pepper123 said:


> Agreed. .. but realize that you'd have to consider things this from her perspective, if you want to attempt to understand her mindset.


That's why I bought the book. To try and get an understanding of something that was simply incomprehensible at the time, and try and see past her blame shifting and justifications. To see my role in things as well. But I do think trying to understand a wayward's mind in general is a fool's errand, because they often don't know what they are doing. They are sort of just playing it as it goes along.


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