# Porn Use Affecting Relationship



## Christie (Jun 27, 2010)

My husband recently announced out of the blue that he has stopped watching porn a week ago because 1. he was using it every other day and was starting to feel desensitized to it and 2. he felt it was detracting from our intimacy and making him feel unsatisfied with me. He also said it was making him view women in a different way and since it's summertime, all the girls in short skirts were making him feel restless. 

I guess I just need perspective. I feel grateful to have such an introspective, honest husband and it's a relief to finally know the reason for the growing sexual distance between us. But I also now feel more self-concious about my body (I've lost all the baby weight but still look different than before), powerless because I try hard to be attractive and be a good wife and do nice things for my husband, yet this *still* happened! I can't help but feel like it's my fault for not being 20 and better looking, which I can't even control.

Do you have experience with this kind of issue? How did you and your spouse resolve it? Should I be worried that my husband has a porn addiction?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Christie said:


> But I also now feel more self-concious about my body (I've lost all the baby weight but still look different than before), powerless because I try hard to be attractive and be a good wife and do nice things for my husband, yet this *still* happened! I can't help but feel like it's my fault for not being 20 and better looking, which I can't even control.


i am really struggling with my self-image, too. my H watched a lot of porn and now i feel like im always competing with those girls. i always feel like im not good enough for him. and of course i resent him for that. i dont feel like there is any love there; it just feels like lust and competition. any time we have sex i feel like i have to put on a show. its depressing. 

i havent really figured out how to get past it yet. im still struggling through it. sometimes i wonder if i can get past it being with my H. i wish i had more advice for you. it is a miserable feeling.


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## questions (May 7, 2010)

Hey Christie,
It sounds to me like something to celebrate. Your H first became aware that something was off in your sexual relationship, took time and effort to understand why, came up with actions to correct the situations, and then shared his learning with you. Theses are all wonderful traits: awareness, introspection, problem solving, sharing and communicating.

I think that most men do watch porn, even if they're in the form of Playboy, Penthouse, etc, so I think that it's fairly normal. I'm not a man, but I do believe that they do it as a form of entertainment and diversion with variety, and it really has nothing to do with them not finding you attractive or desirable. My H has jokingly say "show me the most attractive woman in the world, I'll show you the man who is sick of her shxx" 

The fact that he recognizes that porn are detracting from your relationship and making an effort on his own to stop watching them is wonderful. He obviously wants to rekindle the intimacy between you two, and that action simply tells me that he very much cares about you and still desires you. Just simply act on what you, yourself, can do to rekindle the intimacy between you two. Enjoy .


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## Christie (Jun 27, 2010)

Hi Blanca, Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. I'm so sorry you're dealing with hurt feelings, too. Porn being so commonplace and accesible is a comparably new phenomenon so we're left to navigate this new territory without a blueprint, or the the wisdom of our elders. I hope that we can find some clarity, compromise and ultimately peace in our intimate relationships soon!


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## Christie (Jun 27, 2010)

Questions, thank you for the much needed perspective!! I'm so grateful. You're absolutely right that I'm lucky to have a husband with such wonderful qualities. In response to this situation, I have tried to be a big girl and set aside my hurt feelings to focus more on how I can rekindle our connection. So far, so good. : )


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## Dani (Jul 1, 2010)

I've worked for over 10 yrs to make my husband feel sexy and manly... in the meantime I was getting nothing in return but "wham bam thank you mam" sex. Now I've found he's back on the porn sites (nasty ones for such a straight guy), it' makes me feel even more unwanted, undesireable and devalued. I'm beyond doing what I can to "rekindle"... it's HIS turn! Any thoughts on how to get this through to him? Book I can leave on the table? Maybe he just doesn't care. I'm tired of being the "vessel" for his pleasure.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Dani said:


> I've worked for over 10 yrs to make my husband feel sexy and manly... in the meantime I was getting nothing in return but "wham bam thank you mam" sex. Now I've found he's back on the porn sites (nasty ones for such a straight guy), it' makes me feel even more unwanted, undesireable and devalued. I'm beyond doing what I can to "rekindle"... it's HIS turn! Any thoughts on how to get this through to him? Book I can leave on the table? Maybe he just doesn't care. I'm tired of being the "vessel" for his pleasure.


wow ten years! i did that for about three and gave up. I also feel its my H's turn. Unfortunately, even though he doesnt look at porn anymore, he's still only interested in "wham-bam" once a week sex. I think ive gotten through to him that that doesnt work for me, but it works for him so he's probably not going to change. I think in the end you just have to decide what you can live with.


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## Dani (Jul 1, 2010)

Thank you, Blanca. I know you're right. I just don't see it as that complicated but maybe he's trying to tell me something by not trying harder here. He's a VERY straight guy... very proper, handsome... I'm sure everyone thinks I'm just the luckiest woman in the world the way he is in public. He also talked his Dr into giving him testostrone for borderline low (he had testicular cancer 12 yrs ago)... he became easily agitated and argumentative ...etc... porn.. after that. Really feel it's a big part of the problem but he won't hear me since it gives him hard ons and makes him feel "manly", maintains his muscle mass,etc. It's NOT a good thing. he's 57 and should be borderline low right now... anyway... I appreciate your input. I've read some Bryon Katie...she's very wise. Your comments are appreciated.


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## Dani (Jul 1, 2010)

....I have a monitoring system on the computer while I'm out of town... just checked it and THERE it was... the porn site 10 min after we talked... I'm sick!!


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## Dani (Jul 1, 2010)

porn again tonight...think he's gearing up for something big this week....took the week off (I'm not due back for 2 weeks) and wackin his weeny every night ... sounds like he has a hot date set up. Guess I should be looking for the same. What a great liar!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Dani said:


> ....I have a monitoring system on the computer while I'm out of town... just checked it and THERE it was... the porn site 10 min after we talked... I'm sick!!


wow im so sorry. i know how that feels- sick to your stomach. i came back from a trip to my sisters once and checked the computer- naked girls everywhere of course. i called my H at work and asked him if he'd watched any porn. he lied over and over and said he didnt. even when i showed him the websites he tried to explain his way out of it. its so disheartening that someone you love so much would do that to you.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

When we got to a point where our sexual connection was great I realized that it was better to focus ALL of my sexual energy on her. This was predicated on two things:
- She was agreeable to a frequency that was high enough so I was rarely in distress due to lack of activity. 
- My realization that when I had a week business trip I had a whole week of steadily building desire/anticipation and then after a week without release, the first night back was fireworks

But part of this was her awareness level of frequency. She would say - it's been 3 days I am kind of tired but if you need me I am all yours tonight". And mostly I would say "tomorrow is fine" but that was because I knew tomorrow WOULD happen. 

And if we had schedule conflicts for a while I had the right to say "baby today is day 5 - I am dying here" and she would smile and say "I am all over it tonight"





Christie said:


> Questions, thank you for the much needed perspective!! I'm so grateful. You're absolutely right that I'm lucky to have a husband with such wonderful qualities. In response to this situation, I have tried to be a big girl and set aside my hurt feelings to focus more on how I can rekindle our connection. So far, so good. : )


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## bella09 (Jul 5, 2010)

Ok so I completely understand that basically all men look at porn of some sort, even some women too and ultimately there's nothing wrong with that...UNLESS it starts to interfere with your relationship with your spouse. For instance, when my husband and I met he watched porn several times a day, everyday and wanted to watch it with me. Then after 2 months or so of that, I realized that he was seriously addicted to porn, he would not only watch it with me, but spend what totaled up to hours in the bathroom a day and it got to the point where I said enough is enough, you've got a problem. 

I'm sitting in the living room by myself and he's watching porn in the bathroom when I'm right there, of course it didn't make me feel so great. I would like to say that there weren't any insecurities, but there were. I know that I'm much better looking and in better shape than most of the *****s that he would watch, but it made me insecure because he went to the computer to get off instead of coming to me. He said he would stop looking at it completely if it bothered and hurt me that much. Well, due to all of this arguing, we were only having sex maybe once a week. I realize some may say wow, that’s great, but not when it went from being several times a day or even everyday to once a week. I knew something was off. 

Yes, I shamefully admit to putting a spy monitoring software on our laptop, and that only made him lose trust in me and made me even more upset when I found he had been watching it. He knew the software was on the computer because I told him when I did it, that just made him mean and spiteful. He would purposely look at porn to upset me when we would fight because he knew I would check the log and obviously wanted for me to get upset. Well I found that he couldn't go more than 2 weeks at a time without looking at it and that was about the frequency of our sex life at that point. So I definitely felt like something was wrong. All along, he continued to say that there was nothing wrong with it if it didn’t interfere with our sex life, well I constituted me being hurt by it a major interference! Apparently, he didn’t see it the same way because regardless of him telling me he would stop, he never has to this day.

Once we were able to talk about it calmly and rationally (after I brought it up so many times and explained how hurtful it was) he said to me that he felt I didn’t fully understand it and why he did it, so he wouldn’t stop until he felt I completely understood the dynamics and THEN was still upset. Only then would he feel I tried my very best to understand where he was coming from and if I was still hurt by it, then he would stop. Of course I understood, but after the first mention of him having a problem he only started hiding it and lying to me about it. That only causes more problems and no one wants that, I know I didn’t.

So he’s recently explained yet again that there's nothing intimate about it, it's only a way to get off really quick and go about his day. As women, of course we would like for them to come to us for it, even if it's not so intimate and play into our husband's fantasies and have a quickie or whatever. So I expressed this to him and his response was that he didn't think I would be ok with it being all about him or with it being quick. Well sure, it can be all about you, but it would also be nice if there were times when it's all about me too. Not that I'm thinking ok if I do this, then I'll get that. But if after so many times of only him getting off, it seems like he's being selfish in bed. I pretty much began to think that's my only chance of being satisfied with him so of course I’ll get upset because I know from experience there won’t be an encore. If we were intimate more frequently and BOTH our needs were being met, I would have absolutely no problem.

So I said if he’s not neglecting me and OUR sex life, I have no problem with him watching porn, but please stop hiding it. His response was “so as long as you’re getting off then I can do whatever I want.” Someone please tell me I’m not crazy for thinking this way. We also agreed and made it EXTREMELY clear that it’s not cool to watch porn when the kids are awake AT ALL, NO MATTER WHAT. It’s totally cool if they’re not here, laying down for their nap or asleep at night, but don’t even think about it while they’re awake. Without hesitation, he said absolutely, I think that goes without saying…apparently not. Our children are 3 and 4 years old, so I think this is pretty reasonable to assume it would be incredibly inappropriate.


Well, just a few weeks ago I had a few errands to run and he was watching the kids that morning before he went to work. I got home and he had the history pulled up on the computer and when I asked him why, I could tell he was lying. I found that he had been watching porn while he was watching our kids that morning, not even 20 minutes after I left!!! I have never been so incredibly disgusted, I did not know what to say or even think. I seriously could not believe that he thought it was ok to jerk off to porn while he’s here at home watching our children. Are there really guys out there that will watch porn with their kids 6 feet away and then just leave 2 toddlers alone to play while they go into the next room to jerk off?!?! I seriously believe this constitutes a major problem. Any advice from men or women???


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## Dani (Jul 1, 2010)

I'm so sorry, Bella09. You are not crazy. I would not handle it so well as you. I am NOT ok with the porn; my husband seems to be happier with the porn than with the time it would take to actually have a meaningful, loving, sexual relationship with me. For over 10 years I put up with sex "for him", very bad for me and having to take care of myself all the time if I wanted any pleasure. He doesn't seem to want to have the intimacy and he says it's because he doesn't want to disappoint me... good grief! Disappoint me? I've been disappointed by his lack of even trying. No willingness to try to get help, read books, I even suggested some calm X rated movies cause he'd acted like such a straight guy all the time and he totally shot it down. I tried to tell him what I liked and change things up... Then to find the porn a few years ago... blew me away. Mr Clean and he's still doing it, even after the HUGE blow up and I showed him that I saw what he was looking at. He told me then he wouldn't do it again, but he is (doesn't know I know). It's hugely hurtful when you're being turned away because he's too lazy to work at "real" sex. Not to brag, but I have more experience than he does and he GETS good sex when I get something that shows I'm more than a "hole" ...sorry to be crude but I feel that way! the last couple of times it was awful... I felt like he was raping me. Needless to say, it's been a while... I'm on my long out of town trip anyway. Either way, I feel it's degrading to woman, that it desenitizes men making it difficult for them to "make LOVE" anymore, it all turns into just sex and I have no idea who he's fantasizing about when we're together now, doesnt' seem to be ME. Meantime, he's supporting a multi-million dollar sick habit that is not good for ANYONE except those who run the sites and make the money. I won't feel worthless and not sexy, I am sexy and could have had "sex" many times over while on my business trips. My choice, unlike his, is spend my time more wisely and not alone being self indulgent.


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