# I'm leaving this week



## healingme (Aug 21, 2010)

I've posted about my break up on the 'considering divorce' section. Now, here I am . 

I'm moving out of our house this week. I found a one bedroom apartment in the only place I've ever felt at home. It's where we moved from when we built the house, and I'm going back there (not to the same apartment of course) to be alone and get my head together. It's not going to be easy financially, but I know I have to do this.

I'm not sure about anything. Half the time I think there might be something to salvage between us down the track, and the other half I think there's nothing we can do. I think we should never have married in the first place.

Last night he got off the phone and told me he'd been talking to his friend who is going through a divorce and who has been very upset about it. I knew about this friend, as his separation has been going on for a couple of months now. My stbxh told me his friend was beside himself, very upset and depressed. Then he said his friend said to him "how can you be so calm about your separation? I can't stop crying and it's breaking my heart, but you're so calm about it like nothing's happening?" stbxh replied "Well, I'm not going to cry about it." And that's when I exploded. 

We fought and stopped, fought and stopped, and eventually he went to his room and that was that. One of the reasons behind my decision to end it was his total inability to show emotion. I'm an emotionally driven person, and of course I understand that opposite attract etc, but his way of thinking is so much like my Dad. I saw Dad cry once, a few days before he died in hospital. I mentioned it to Mum and she said Dad denied it. Being stoic is one thing, but being completely devoid of emotion is another and it is unhealthy.

I'm not saying there is zero emotion there. I have seen stbxh cry once. It was after a weekend with his son, and when his grandmother came to pick him up he started screaming "Daddy! No!" and reaching out. stbxh shed a few tears and looked away. That was the only time. 

He stopped saying 'I love you' a long time ago. Yet he had no problem telling a counsellor, my mum, other people that he loves me. That's something that bothered me about my Dad too. Mum would say "he really does love you, you know." But he never said it or showed me any affection. I can't believe I managed to fall in love with and marry a man with the emotional ineptitude of my father, especially given that that was a major sticking point in my relationship with him. 

stbxh argued last night that he's been in a terrible state and all over the place because of this break up. I don't see it, but that's probably because he's not showing it to me. And therein lies our issue. He wouldn't show me emotion throughout our relationship, and he won't show it to me now either. When I told him I wanted a divorce he didn't believe me. He said I was "just being extreme" and I was "being silly". He smirked, and even laughed at me. I was dumbfounded that a man could hear "I want a divorce" from his wife, and react that way. When I said "how can you be like this after your own wife has just told you she wants a divorce?" his response was "what do you want me to do? Throw myself on the floor and cry? I'm not going to do that. You've made your decision. There's nothing I can do." And in saying that, I replied "you know what? Thank you. You have just made this easier for me."

We've both said we're going to our separated corners to work on ourselves etc, but I just can't help thinking that asking him to become an emotional being is the equivalent of asking me not to be, and I don't think that would ever be possible.


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## Skuba (Aug 29, 2010)

this is probably the closest problem to mine that I can find. I have my whole story somewhere here, its under Skuba. I can only tell you how I feel about my wife leaving. Ive shown my emotions a lot during our relationship, but I tried not to when it came to anything other than my love for her. I think men feel that they need to be the strong one. The wifes superman. Even after they get hurt. All my friends know how depressed and upset I am but when I see her I tell her how much I want her back and how much I love her, but at the same time I try to act like Im o.k. so she sees that I am strong. And hoping that if she sees that, she will believe that I am strong enough to work things out with her. The problem we had is I started having a lot of back procedures that left me in a lot of pain and for a while we started having sex a lot less. We talked about it then and she understood. But the procedures never worked and I just kept trying new ones trying to get out of pain and I started getting used to not having much sex, and the next thing you know weeks turned into months and I didnt even realize the toll it was taking on our marriage because she never said anything again, untill the day she walked out. But now that I see it, Ive never wanted anyone more and I know if I just got that one chance, she would have to complain about too much sex. I will never let that happen again. But it may be too late.


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## healingme (Aug 21, 2010)

Hi Skuba. Thanks for your response. I've read your story a few days ago, so am familiar with it. I was the one with the sexual problems in our relationship. I was diagnosed with endometriosis about 4 years ago, and had surgery every year since then, with a major op about 2 years ago. My husband says he feels ripped off, because he thought he was going to get lots of sex and it didn't happen. He resents me for that. I, in turn, resent him for making it about sex. 

I came off the pill and got much of my libido back, and my operations helped with the pain of endo, but in the meantime he completely let himself go, got himself a beer gut, and basically stopped being the beautiful, sexy guy I fell in love with. Over the years, all that crap (and more) eroded our marriage and my feelings for him. I became unattracted to him, became quite frumpy myself and suddenly we became my parents. He thought he was hilarious with the stupidity, the relentless farting, hamming it up for the neighbours etc. All huge turn-offs. I am reminded of a scene in Fawlty Towers, where Basil says to Sybil "We used to laugh all the time, remember that?" and Sybil answers "Yes, but not at the same time." How true. How sad.

I'm starting to realise I may not be destined for a life of domesticity. Playing the role of wife changed me into a b!tch and that's not who I am at all. And playing the role of husband changed him into a slob and that's not who he is either. So we're going our separate ways, to try and work out who we are for ourselves. Only when we've done that, can we finally work out who we are to each other.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Somewhere down the line people learn that it’s best to suppress their emotions and hide what they are feeling inside. This normally happens between the ages of four and eight. Because they learn these things at such a young age they become a part of their core values and beliefs. In fact these people think that people who do show their emotions and talk about what it is that’s going on inside of them are somehow weak.

Since I’ve been separated from my wife I’ve been amazed at people’s expressions of their emotions. The wet eyes of sadness that just happen when they talk of a lost loved one, the look of sadness and then joy when they talk of an ex husband. I didn’t “see” any of these types of emotions on my wife’s face. First of all she never spoke of the sadness in her life and secondly she had a perpetual smile on her face. I never knew what she was truly feeling and thinking.

Bob


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## healingme (Aug 21, 2010)

My husband thinks his inability to show emotion is normal. And as such, he thinks that my inability _not_ to show emotion is abnormal. I'm not saying I'm a blubbering mess at all times. But I do match the right emotional response to the right occasion - ie. crying when we broke up. I can't share the rest of my life with someone who will not even bother to look more deeply within himself. I am the kind of person who is constantly evolving. He is not. It doesn't work.


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