# Wife Sexting with ex-boyfriend.



## MAO74 (Feb 14, 2012)

I've been married for 10 years and we have 2 beautiful kids.

3 Years ago my Wife reconnected with an ex-boyfriend of her, I didn't think much of it and when she asked me I said it was ok for them to meet over coffee and catch up since they when to school together and stuff... I decided to trust her even when i felt a little Jealous. 
Then we moved to a different City and couple months after she got a txt and I picked up her phone... Curious and following an hunch I found they had been texting back and forth in a erotic way like they were a couple, I took it farther and because of this I checked her email and found that she had been sending him pictures; not only Natural nudes that i had shot of her while pregnant but also pictures that I thought we had taken "for us".
Like you can imagine I felt betrayed in many levels. It was devastating for me not only because she is my wife but we had always been best friends...
That Night I confronted her about the texting alone and asked it I had anything to worry about and she said no. The next day she noticed i had checked her email and called me to tell me that she would understand If I wanted to leave, the she asked me to forgive her. She also said that I had broken her trust for checking her email and she didnt know if she could trust me again with stuff like that then she changed her passwords.

After talking about the problems we had a that time we decided to give it a second chance, but I was clear that she was NOT to talk to him ever again, She had to end that relationship for good. I don't think that to this day i have been able to forgive her....
I understand that this ex-boyfriend of her was a very special person for her in the past and I know they had an active sexual life when they were together and at some point He cheated on his girlfriend with her. (Before we were together)
After she emotionally Cheated ( She always said nothing happened fiscally) we had our second child.

2 Days ago while reading an email on her phone that she handed me over, I tried forwarding it to me and while doing this I got a Glimpse of what appear to be a message from him. I didn't say anything and waited to confirm, I checked her phone later on just to find that I was correct. They have been messaging on FB back and forth and there is mention of some calls between them. I checked the dated and this has been happening for about 8 months now.

I feel almost as devastated as I felt the first time but I haven't confronted her about it because this might end up in divorce and it kills me to think that I won't be there to see my kids day by day. Also She has been more affectionate the last days.(maybe out of guilt ) 

Am I competing with an Ex-boyfriend for my wife? or this is a war that I won't win because she never got over him? I also feel that I've lost her respect and she takes me for granted.

Don't know what to do... I've been hiding my feelings from my family and I know I'm distant from her... 

On the other hand I want to find his girlfriends contact and bring her up to speed, It's not fair she might also be in the dark...


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Sorry you're going through this.

First of all you don't leave. If anyone leaves, it's her.

2nd, does this exBF live in your state? Is there a possibility of them having met since the last time you confronted your wife?

3rd, gather as much evidence as you can and then confront your wife. Tell her, she has 24 hours to come clean about everything and send a No Contact letter (that you draft up) to the exbf or else you will be filing for divorce and exposing the affair to everyone including her family (with hard evidence).

She will most likely go back and forth between being remorseful and angry. Don't pay any attention to her initial reaction.

Give yourself time to cope with this and continue to monitor your wife's activities. 

No you're not fighting for your wife with some other man. That exBF is just a temporary temptation and has little chance of turning into anything meaningful. Of course your wife is not wise enough to understand that yet.

Good luck and keep us posted.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Of course you need to tell his girlfriend! The OM s a snake and your wife is a cheat.

No one wants a divorce but i sure as hell would not want to be a cuckold and share my wife with anyone else.

And buddy your wife never stopped cheating. She does not deserve privacy or trust when she is caught cheating.

Either gets help and is transparent or you discloses her actions. You need to set consequences for her behavior or she is going to keep doing this.

Others will post more advice for you. Find his girlfriend and let her know what is going on!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Don't cry, don't beg. Prepare to separate. She lied to you repeatedly. She broke your trust repeatedly. Don't argue with her. Tell her that she has broken your trust repeatedly and that you are planning to separate because of her betrayal and lies. Only under the threat of losing everything will she realize what she is doing. If she cannot show regret and remorse even then, you lost her anyway. 

Where does this ex live? Sine it has been going on for sometime(8 months), things might have escalated much more. Conferences in other cities, working out late in office, Girls Night outs, visiting a relative. So you cannot be sure how far things must have gone. If she has home computer install a keylogger. Before you show her all your cards, find out as much as you can. Of course she needs to have her privacy but in a marriage you need privacy not secrecy. She has given you every reason not to trust her by continued lies and betrayal and her privacy should be the last thing on your mind. Keep tabs on her and try to get the full extent of their affair and if it was ever physical. If you confront her too soon, she might blindside you again and take the affair deeper underground like she did the last time.



> I feel almost as devastated as I felt the first time but I haven't confronted her about it because this might end up in divorce and it kills me to think that I won't be there to see my kids day by day.


Think about the alternative. Your wife cheating and cuckolding you through out the marriage and you being suspicious and paranoid for the rest of your life.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

synthetic said:


> Sorry you're going through this.
> 
> First of all you don't leave. If anyone leaves, it's her.
> 
> ...


I think he must gather as much as he can. His wife seems to be one of those that will lie to their death.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

> She also said that I had broken her trust for checking her email and she didnt know if she could trust me again with stuff like that then she changed her passwords.


So she cheats but it's you who breaks the trust, uh-huh. Isn't it lovely how they like to turn tables?


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Oh, and if they still in contact for these 3 years (which you can safely assume), chances are it's not just an EA. Nobody would ever sext for 36 months and never ever try to act on it.


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## MAO74 (Feb 14, 2012)

Thanks to all for your replies and advise...
We don't live on the same state, we r literately on the opposite sides of the country. We haven travel there but I have no way of knowing if he has ever been here.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

snap said:


> So she cheats but it's you who breaks the trust, uh-huh. Isn't it lovely how they like to turn tables?


I cant find anything better blame shifting than this and he agreed to this?

Collect maximum evidence and confront her. Expose the affair to all concerned. Else she will make you fool again.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

I thought you said they met for coffee to catch up?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What is your plan MOA?


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I cannot believe that she actually tried to take the higher ground on trust!!! But then, her ability to lie so effectively after telling you she would stop, WHILE you were heartbroken should tell you that nothing you can say will stop the lies and manipulation. When she is faced with the real fact of your kicking her out, and your public disgust over her betrayal, she will know that you are finally not buying in to her act. Still even if she begged to reconcile, she deserves to know that once trust is broken, it can't be unbroken. She has to build it new, which takes years.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Go nuke. Expose to everyone. And tell her if she tries to massage the effect by making you the bad guy, you will simply threaten to show the "nasties" she sent him, to everyone. Separate finances. If you can't trust her with your heart, you can't trust her with her your money. This will rock her world and security. It will help clear the fog. 

If you beg, plead, follow her around. She will only pull away further. You have to destroy the fantasy, and the real world is a great way of doing it. 

She lost respect for you with all your "touchy feely" after she guilted you with invading her privacy. Read about "Sherman's march to the sea". Follow his example. Though he was a God fearing man. He told the confederacy "I will show you how bad war can be". Burn her down, leave her a mascara and snot running mess. Show her how wonderful single motherhood is. THEN, depending on her response, contrition and her new found fear and respect for you (not so much of you but the consequences you will show her). I don't know why you want to keep her? But its your choice. Lets see if you can wake her cheating a$$ up. Stay strong.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

She contacted him, sent nude photos to him while married to you ;you took the fall for looking at her phone;she still is in contact with him.

Get out of the fantasy world, SHE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR! Emotional, Physical, it doesn't matter she is cheating on you.

You need her:

1. No Contact Letter.
2. Full Disclosure
3. No Secrets, Passwords etc, she has to be fully open.

Otherwise, it will continue. Read some of the other threads and see how people who have not taken the hard steps have ended up with their spouses running over them and continue cheating.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

has she ever sent nude photos to you?

and if not why.


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## Bugz Bunny (Nov 28, 2011)

MAO74 said:


> She also said that *I had broken her trust for checking her email and she didnt know if she could trust me again *with stuff like that then she changed her passwords.


Its amazing how many BS fall for this kind of ****,and then back off and let the WS cheat and take the affair underground...

After this sentence above that she said to you she lost all respect for you because from that moment she knew that she can manipulate with you and make a fool of you whenever she wants and that you will buy all lies that she says...

This affair is not an 8 months affair and is not an EA...her affair never stoped and believe me its an PA...no one is sexting over the phone and not acting on it for such long time...

When you confront her she will use the same **** again like"broke my trust by snooping" or "you can leave if you want" to manipulate you and make this all your fault...

And remember *the affair was never your fault* and never let her make this all about you...

Seriously I dont know why you want such person stil in your life...she humiliated you and your marriage for 3 years and will continue until you confront...

If I where you I would confront her,expose the affair to everyone (family and friends) and then I would file for divorce...
and dont use the kid as an excuse to stay with her...I have a child myself and I divorced my WS and my child is great and happy...

Man up and start respecting yourself...You wont die without her...move on with your life and find a nice girl that will respect and love you like you deserve,never be a second choice to anyone...

Whatever you decide I wish you the best...


Good Luck


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Don't compete - just cut off her funding and her access to you.

She hasn't done anything but lie to you over and over. Given the nature of the messages they clearly have been having some kind of sex and where there is a will there is a way - meaning they have found ways to hook up.

Hire a PI and find his GF and tell her. 

On that same day without warning moving half your money into a you only account, close out any jointed CC and present her with papers.

Even if you somehow R, she at this point needs to be really shocked and shown the reality of her on going lies and affair.

And don't believe her when she says she'll stop. She'll only laugh at how gullible you are if you even for a second consider believing her.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Confront her, expose, ask her to leave to give you space, separate finances and see a lawyer (and let her know you are) to learn about your rights and separation/device issues in your state. Go full force, be in charge, shock and awe........if she won't leave the house pack her stuff into a different room, put a kick on your BR door. And don't fall fir that trust violation crap like you did the first time, your wife is a cheating lier, lies directly to you, your just confirming. 

Expose to family of her actions and possibility or likely hood of divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

MAO74 said:


> After talking about the problems we had a that time we decided to give it a second chance, but I was clear that she was NOT to talk to him ever again, She had to end that relationship for good. ... They have been messaging on FB back and forth and there is mention of some calls between them. I checked the dated and this has been happening for about 8 months now. ...
> 
> Don't know what to do


You have two choices.

First, you can accept being a cuckold. Your wife gets to have her fun time with the ex-boyfriend and you get to remain married to her and see your kids every day.

Second, you can enforce whatever ultimatum you gave her when you offered her a second chance. Did you say that if she contacted him again you would divorce her? If so, then you need to file for divorce. This would allow you to respect yourself and your wife may even respect you enough to stop carrying on with another man and ask you to give her a third chance.

I don't recommend confronting her with another hollow ultimatum. She'll call you on that in short order. If you want to reconcile, you need to file for divorce first. Run the 180. That might get your wife to recommit to you over the other man.

The Healing Heart: The 180

Good luck.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I agree with the other posters here. Your wife has disconnected from you. Now it is time for your to disconnect. Go dark emotionally on her, maybe do the 180 (even though there are those on this site who seem to have differing opinions as to when to use it). The 180 has worked to help me steel myself emotionally from my STBXW's onslaughts. It works.

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. Cheaters should be locked up in jail for their adultery. A few weeks behind bars would probably do wonders for our wayward wives. But I dream....


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

MAO74 said:


> The next day she noticed i had checked her email and called me to tell me that she would understand If I wanted to leave, the she asked me to forgive her. She also said that I had broken her trust for checking her email and she didnt know if she could trust me again with stuff like that then she changed her passwords.


I'd like to unpack these two sentences, sometimes it is hard to see why they are 100% wrong. 

After noticing she had been caught, she immediately offfered up you leaving. This is the coward's way. Do something to make the other person leave, so the break up is not 100% the cheater's fault. Don't give in, don't give ultimatums, just understand what is going on - it is not a sign of remorse, rather her assuaging her guilt. Tell her, her behavior is 100% wrong, with no possible justification. Her behavior is unbecoming a wife or friend (or, frankly, a civilized human being) - it is a low form of betrayal. 

You were not wrong to check her email and text history. The text history was public, it's on the bill. It was sufficiently suspicious. What are you supposed to do? You had reasonable cause to investigate. If you found nothing, you could have told her about your insecurities about the texting.

Overall, no one should be put through this. How aweful can someone be? If she wants to sext and/or f**k her ex, she should be honest, and leave. No trickle truths, no obfuscating blame shifting. People talk about the "fog" of love the WW is under. She knows right from wrong, emotions only cloud so much. Sit her down, without passion or emotion, say you know the truth and want her to tell you. Any lies, or half-truths, and the conversation ends.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Follow *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html#post306559* and *The 180 degree rules*

Convey to her the following statement with total conviction,

_*"Look wife , I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with him because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with him and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."*_

End her fantasy by contacting the OM, in front of her, and telling him to come get her, as well as her things. Tell him that she is now HIS responsibility and that the divorce papers will be sent to his address.

Believe me when I tell you that men who chose otherwise have lived to regret their decision later on in their lives.

She has to know that you will NEVER, EVER compromise your dignity or sell your soul.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

> 3 Years ago my Wife reconnected with an ex-boyfriend of her, I didn't think much of it and when she asked me I said it was ok for them to meet over coffee and catch up since they when to school together and stuff... I decided to trust her even when i felt a little Jealous.


I have not yet read any further. This is an immediate facepalm and thinking what a foolish man. I know that sounds disrespectful, but that is what pooped into my head when I read this. We can all be foolish.

Actually the first part about the wife re-connecting with an EX. What a horrible idea. EXs are forever a challenge. Then he goes on to say she was going to meet this guy!!!!!! And says he is ok with it!!! OMG.

He goes on to say he decided to trust. OMG. Trust what? Who? He is going to trust the situation of putting his wife in isolation with her ex lover and he decided to trust, her, him and the situation!? He goes on to say even though her felt jealous. This is what I am talking about. It takes a strong confident man to be able to listen to his feelings and not worry about being called jealous, insecure or controlling.

I have not read further but this opening statement makes me wish this person came to the forum and asked us how he should handle this.

Many of us would have told him that she needed to be NC with her ex lover. I know many disagree but meeting up and hanging out with guy friends in general feels like dating to me, BUT meeting up with EX lovers IS dating IMHO.

I wonder where this is going to go. Perhaps this all works out fine and he is "rewarded" for his blind trust and for ignoring these feelings that are natural when another man comes to poach your mate ....

Surely his wife would not put her marriage at risk. She is strong and would never cheat on him. She would know how to stop.

BTW, this is probably going to need the old boundary word and a reference to His Needs Her Needs.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Entropy keep in mind that unfortunately NOBODY teaches this to us in school or before we get married. Sadly, this valuable lesson you point out is usually learned the hard way ONLY after the sh!t hits the fan. I think MAO knows this bitter truth now, we don't need to bash him over the head with it.


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

This idea of having "private" emails and passwords is total BS in a marriage and should never be allowed.

Privacy is closing the door when you take a sh!t, secrecy is having accounts that your spouse cannot access. Affairs thrive in secrecy.

Demand total transparency. And snoop on your spouse regularly. Spouses with nothing to hide have NO PROBLEM with transparency.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

morituri said:


> Entropy keep in mind that unfortunately NOBODY teaches this to us in school or before we get married. Sadly, this valuable lesson you point out is usually learned the hard way ONLY after the sh!t hits the fan. I think MAO knows this bitter truth now, we don't need to bash him over the head with it.


You are EXACTLY correct!! 

Excellent point. I just finished reading his post but not other peoples advice yet.

I think that people can have high character and values and they in all good concience trust. Frankly it would be a better world if this would be rewarded in a positive way. I actually think Nice Guys get a bad rap.

Anyway she tells him he violated her trust .......... 

So he is indeed learning in the school of hard knocks and even forgives her and trusts her again. She messes him over again.

So you are right, it is not about bashing a brother who meant well. He needs support. This situation though would be a lesson to other though. The truth of it is that most guys are not going to come to TAM and see that until they are burned. Sigh.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

TBT said:


> I thought you said they met for coffee to catch up?


Good catch!!!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Even if you don't want to keep her print this off and read it with her. At least, if she's not totally heartless she will see what she has put you through. Its very important to keep up a strong front in her presence as anything else and she will look at you with contempt. For the present do the 180 until she wants to get serious about the relationship.

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly! 
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