# Wife has called deadbeat dad.



## BigBlue33 (Aug 22, 2013)

Hello, I guess I should start with a little bit of the backstory to this issue. Im currently deployed to Afghanistan, I have been married to my wife for 7 years. When we met, she had 2 children (2 and 3 years old) that the father had left and ran out on. I have been raising these children as my own for the past 7 years, they refer to me as daddy and I am pretty much all they have ever known. Their biological father has never called, sent mail, sent birthday presents, paid child support, nothing. Well our Son (my step son) has steadily had difficulties in school, being troublesome, etc. etc. (normal boy stuff). We have tried just about everything from incentive programs, punishmens, discipline, talking, you name it. Well, a couple days ago my wife decided that he is suffereing from abandonment issues from his biological father and now wants to inject this guy back into my son and daughters life in hopes that he can make it better i guess? I lost my temper very quickly at this notion, if the kids want to seek out their BF one day then fine, but Im certaintly against the idea of trying to guilt him in to giving a crap about the kids just so he can disappear on them again. My wife called him yesterday morning against my wishes.........I cannot even explain how hurt and upset I am. This guy has shown zero interest in his children (btw, he has other kids with other women he ignores aswell) for the past 7 years, I have raised this children for 90% of their life. I feel like my wife is making a huge mistake that is going to severly damage not only our family, but our children with long term consequences from this. I have no idea how to handle this situation, any advice would be great.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well, from what you've posted, it could either be that she is totally disrespecting you and your wishes on purpose because she doesn't give a you-know-what, or else she is in a desperate situation with you gone and is grasping at straws to try to fix it.

I was a single mom till my youngest was 7. My ex is a total loser deadbeat also. I tried for a while to force him to be involved, but all that did was frustrate me to no end. You cannot force someone to be involved in their kids lives.

Has your wife taken your son to any kind of therapist? That was my first step when my boys had issues growing up. We got lots of great help that way. Surely there must be something available to her as a military wife?


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

tough situation to deal with at a distance. sounds like your wife is clutching at straws. does she have any interaction with the biological dad? are there family or close friends who may also counsel and talk to your wife or counselors to advise your wife face-to-face? I'm thinking resources through the miitary.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

What you describe about your son is normal behavior of a child dealing with separation issues as the result of a deployment. Not all children cope well with change. I suggest counseling for him. It may help. Stay in contact as often as possible. Our son put me through the ringer with all the ship deployments over the years. 

Given how you describe bio's attitude toward the kids, and the fact that your wife is alone and probably feeling desperate enough to consider her ex is the reason for your son's behavior, I would keep my eyes open on any changes in her behavior toward you.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Did your wife give you details of the phone conversation she had with her ex?


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## BigBlue33 (Aug 22, 2013)

Thanks for the responses. My wife has actually set up a counseling appoint on base with our son. But she has already jumped the gun and called this guy. So the seed is already there now, I believe his exact response when she called him was "Well I will take him if you want." Im absolutely terrified of the pandoras box my wife is opening here. And everytime I attempt to explain to her how bad I think this is, she responds with "I cant hide him from them if they are asking about him (apparently, in the last 2 days since we started talking about this, they have been asking about him. Mind you these kids have never mentioned him in 7 years, so Im positive that she has been kinda planting the seed in their heads). My biggest fear is that she has jumped the gun and did this, just to prove to me that she doesnt have to listen to me? or something like that.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So you think she's doing it out of disrespect, not desperation?

The absolute worst thing for her to do would be to talk her ex up to the kids as if he's some wonderful guy, when he isn't. My kids knew the truth about their dad growing up. I didn't make him out to be worse than he was, but I certainly didn't make him out to be better either. All she's doing is setting herself up for the kids to lose respect for her as they grow older. Kids are freaking smart - they learn pretty quickly when a parent is full of BS.

When a kid asks about an absent parent it's best to answer in an age appropriate, honest way. Not run out and try to force a deadbeat to suddenly come back into their lives. Hopefully the therapist will set her straight in short order.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

How stupid is your wife, really? First, to have children with an irresponsible and selfish person, and then to bring him into an already chaotic situation? 

I read this kind of stories and it makes my blood boil. There should be an emotional eligibility test before you can have kids.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I am hoping the kid gets help with a therapist. I don't want to start anything but just raising a possibility, could the w be connecting with him again and using the kid issue as a smokescreen. Again I hope not!


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

How was your marriage BEFORE the deployment?


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

tom67 said:


> I am hoping the kid gets help with a therapist. I don't want to start anything but just raising a possibility, could the w be connecting with him again and using the kid issue as a smokescreen. Again I hope not!


She may be looking to help her children, but my concern is she could be looking at this guy as the man who will fix the chaos in HER life. She is too emotionally invested.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

SaltInWound said:


> She may be looking to help her children, but my concern is she could be looking at this guy as the man who will fix the chaos in HER life. She is too emotionally invested.


Right and he "fills the void"


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## BigBlue33 (Aug 22, 2013)

Im not naive to that possibility, but given the past of my wife (and the fact that I do trust her in this respect) and knowing how extreme my wife can be when she is making decisions (example: kids get caught watching tv past bedtime. Her resolution would be to entirely cancel the cable for the entire month. She doesnt process long term effects or other factors that get effected by her action i.e. cancellation fee, no internet, the plan we have is no longer available now). I dont have any inclinations that she may be connecting with him again. I think she is just making a really uninformed decision that she has convinced herself is the right one.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Are you coming home soon Big?


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## BigBlue33 (Aug 22, 2013)

I wont be home for atleast half a year


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

BigBlue33 said:


> I dont have any inclinations that she may be connecting with him again. I think she is just making a really uninformed decision that she has convinced herself is the right one.


She IS reconnecting with him, and on a very emotional level. She wants her life to go back to normal TODAY, not 6 months from now when you come back home. She thinks this man is the answer to her problems. This is how it gets started.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

SaltInWound said:


> She IS reconnecting with him, and on a very emotional level. She wants her life to go back to normal TODAY, not 6 months from now when you come back home. She thinks this man is the answer to her problems. This is how it gets started.


I do think this is possible. From what the OP says it sounds extremely unlikely that DBD can be expected to be any type of positive role model or influence for his children. I wouldn't be surprised if she's simply using the children as an excuse/justification to reach out to him. It's also pretty worrying that she went and contacted this guy after OP explicitly told her not to.

Although I suppose it's also possible she's just headstrong, desperate, and completely lacking in common sense.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Hey BB33, thank you for your service, my H was in A-Stan last year. 
Be safe over there & take care of yourself.

Now onto the issue at hand.
I'm going to bet that your wife is grasping at straws right about now.
How long have you been deployed & is this the 1st one she has dealt with?
If this isn't your 1st, when was the last, how long was it & how old were the kids then? 
Just trying to get some background on the situation. 

I do have some resources for you both, they're confidential, so your command won't know about this, unless you tell them. 

Military & Family Life Consultant Program, 888-755-9355
https://www.mhngs.com/app/home.content

Military OneSource, 800-342-9647
http://www.militaryonesource.mil

http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/pages/children-coping-deployment.asp
http://www.operationmilitarykids.org/public/home.aspx


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