# Does he want me?



## me2me2me2 (Feb 14, 2014)

Been married long time. Lots of sex issues over the years. He got into porn and started therapy (my suggestion) to stop that. 
Ever since... It hasn't been the same. 

About 3 separate times I told him we needed therapy. Because we weren't having sex and when we did he would just want me to give him a hand job. When we got into therapy he said that I was so stressed out and he didn't want to be a burden. 
I said well I have obviously been wanting it since I'm dragging is to therapy over it. 

Now we are at same place again. No sex. Maybe once in 4 months ? He no longer initiates. Recently I started IC again and I've noticed he tries to rub my feet etc now that he knows ... 

My question: if my husband really wanted me.... Would he initiate? Would he ask what's up? 

I don't know If this is salvageable. What do u think?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

if there are issues surrounding sex you will have to explain it better so we understand the dynamic.

Who initiated sex before your sex issues arose?
What caused him to turn to porn?
Do you expect him to always initiate or do you also initiate?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## me2me2me2 (Feb 14, 2014)

Well I don't initiate anymore. 

He said that he turned to porn because he would be up late at night and bored. 
But he also blamed it on us not having enough sex (even though he didn't try). 

The issues really were early EJ .. He wanted hand jobs more than actual sex with me. Said it was because he was ashamed. 

So I suggested therapy and doctors etc. that only changed things temporarily. 




soulseer said:


> if there are issues surrounding sex you will have to explain it better so we understand the dynamic.
> 
> Who initiated sex before your sex issues arose?
> What caused him to turn to porn?
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

me2me2me2 said:


> Well I don't initiate anymore.
> 
> He said that he turned to porn because he would be up late at night and bored.
> But he also blamed it on us not having enough sex (even though he didn't try).
> ...


Well the porn might be contributing to the premature ejaculation. Stopping porn would assist with PE if it persists he needs to go to a doctor to check that nothing is physically wrong.

You both want sex. Is there any reason why you dont initiate? Mutual stimulation rather than sex might be something to consider?

Maybe marriage counselling/sex therapy might benefit.

I am in a similar situation where I dont feel like initiating as I am the only one who ever initiates. Its off putting when its only you initiating as you feel that your partner does not desire you.For me its really destroyed my sex drive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abjectprosperity (Apr 19, 2014)

me2, you haven't given much details to go on. However, it sounds like I am a man on the opposite side of your issue. I'll tell you my story and how I am feeling and you may perhaps use it to your advantage. If not, then ignore my reply .

I have been married to my wife for over 10 years. I love her and believe that she is sexy as hell. For us, sex problems began within a few weeks of marriage and have continued off and on until now. I have gotten to the point a few times in our marriage where I stop initiating sex even though I am generally high desire. Most of the time I want her so bad I have trouble concentrating on other aspects of my life.

Since shortly after marriage, she has done a lot of things--many of which are not even conscious--that tell me she is not interested. For example, I used to come up behind her, slip my hands under her shirt and just hug her around the middle. It wasn't groping, but was skin-to-skin contact. She would take my arms and remove them from her. There were many such little, loving touches like this that I have ceased to do. She would never initiate sex, acted many times like it was a chore, would say things like "if you really need it" the times she did, consent, would turn me down one night promising the next day and then not follow through, etc, etc.

All of these add up over time and build resentment, which I have not channeled toward her because I love her, but toward our sexual relationship. I feel as if I am bothering her if I initiate or mention sex. Every month or so she will have gone long enough that she will do something like jump in bed naked and I take care of her. But I still feel empty.

Our problems are probably somewhat exacerbated by our histories. I am generally a successful, confident guy in other aspects of my life--career, church, politics, etc. But I had an overbearing mother that made my father's life miserable all the time and made my life miserable if ever she disapproved of me. I learned to fear the disapproval of women. I, therefore, am probably overanxious about receiving the disapproval of my wife and would prefer to be celibate to rejection and disapproval.

She came from a family where sex is a very taboo subject and she has a lot of trouble communicating or opening up about sex. Her parents just recently divorced (over sex-related issues I am sure). We have had many discussions about sex over the years, but her sexual intelligence is very low (at least in the sense that Marty Klein talks about sex) and we make very little head way.

Then there is my biology, with which I have become intimately acquainted over several years. I could have sex every day and be happy. Every other day would work too. By the third day, I'm having trouble concentrating on anything--work, kids, chores, etc--because all I can think about is sex. Day 6 is when I stop feeling the need to initiate but am still receptive. If/when we get to day 10 without sex, I am generally free. I stop thinking about it and life is easier without it because I am able to concentrate again and be successful in the other aspects of my life. So sex becomes not worth it. I get a moment of euphoria, followed by 2 days of well-being, followed by 8 days of misery until I can get back to normal. No matter how much I fight this cycle, it seems to happen. I have only successfully managed to break it twice. Then months will pass and she will make some grand sexual gesture that will patch things back together for a bit. She is truly an amazing woman.

We have children that I adore, so we will be together for much, much longer. Sexual happiness will just be a sacrifice I make for my children so that they can have a happy, stable, prosperous family life. We rarely disagree on anything and never fight. We don't even have arguments in front of the children and are generally loving toward each other. But at this point, I also have a hard time seeing us together at 80.

Anyways, that is a really long story for you. Your husband may be feeling some of my same feelings or our stories may be nothing alike. I would bet, however, that he does still want you.

My advice to you is to look inward. Are there things you do unconsciously that send him messages that you are unavailable, uninterested, bothered, etc? Has this been going on for years? If so, the only thing I can think of is a sustained and obvious display toward him of your availability and interest. Initiate, experiment, and stretch yourself.

I say sustained because in my case the issues have been going on so long that I am likely to be suspicious of any change in my wife's sexual demeanor. Is she just trying to put a band-aid on the issue? How long will this really last? It would take time to convince me that she was really interested and available. I say obvious because men do not generally get subtle when it comes to sex. There have been times when my wife thought she was sending me a signal or initiating by squeezing my shoulders twice.

My heart aches for your situation and I wish you the best of luck.


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## me2me2me2 (Feb 14, 2014)

Well I don't really want sex with him anymore. I just don't. I wish I could change that but I can't. 

I just feel like I want to have an affair..

I will turn to masturbation before even considering being with him. 

My question I guess is... What is HE thinking. If he really wanted sex with me wouldn't he ask for it? Like I did ALL those times before? 



soulseer said:


> Well the porn might be contributing to the premature ejaculation. Stopping porn would assist with PE if it persists he needs to go to a doctor to check that nothing is physically wrong.
> 
> You both want sex. Is there any reason why you dont initiate? Mutual stimulation rather than sex might be something to consider?
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## me2me2me2 (Feb 14, 2014)

I'm sorry abject prosperity. 

I didn't see your reply. I can see the similarities in our stories. However, I think mine has been going on longer and my resentment has spread. 

I understand how you feel. I think I may give those vibes to my husband these days. That is probably true. 


However I should have known that this was going to be an issue, as I showed up in something sexy when I answered my door while we were dating and he told me he needed a drink first. I was 23 and just thought I wasn't hot enough. So I had to work out more. Although I have never been overweight more than 5lbs. 

I just blamed myself. And I think that continued. My DH often says that he thinks I am so hot etc. but it's hard to understand what is going through his head ... 



abjectprosperity said:


> me2, you haven't given much details to go on. However, it sounds like I am a man on the opposite side of your issue. I'll tell you my story and how I am feeling and you may perhaps use it to your advantage. If not, then ignore my reply .
> 
> I have been married to my wife for over 10 years. I love her and believe that she is sexy as hell. For us, sex problems began within a few weeks of marriage and have continued off and on until now. I have gotten to the point a few times in our marriage where I stop initiating sex even though I am generally high desire. Most of the time I want her so bad I have trouble concentrating on other aspects of my life.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

me2me2me2 said:


> Well I don't really want sex with him anymore. I just don't. I wish I could change that but I can't.
> 
> I just feel like I want to have an affair..
> 
> ...


You have answered your own question.

Divorce him before you cheat , you both deserve that.

If you are not already sure about divorce then go to individual counselling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## me2me2me2 (Feb 14, 2014)

Well here's what I struggle with. I really want to cheat on my DH. I can't stop thinking about other guys who I meet. 

I wonder if I should tell this to my DH or would that be too hurtful? I do not want to hurt him. But, I do want him to understand the depth of our issues.

I feel so compartmentalized regarding that. Like I could cheat and feel no remorse. I don't see my DH as someone who would even care... I don't consciously think that is true. But for some reason I think that... 

Maybe this is all me. I'm screwed up? 








soulseer said:


> You have answered your own question.
> 
> Divorce him before you cheat , you both deserve that.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I imagine he has had many years to work with you on this and it doesn't sound like much has changed.

Telling him how much you want to cheat only sounds likening to manipulate him to what you would like him to be.

Lots of marriages don't work out. And life is short. Too short. It sounds like you both could be happier with other people.


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## justfabulous (Feb 9, 2014)

I agree with Miss Scarlett and the other person who said divorce him - but don't cheat. 

And I also agree with what Miss Scarlett said about telling him you want to cheat (_don't_ do that). Honestly that would be very hurtful without really getting to the real heart of the matter.

If its that bad, you need to tell him how unfulfilling the marriage is to you; that you are not getting your needs met and that that's a huge issue and very painful for you, and that yes, life is way too short to live it without feeling fully alive (because a fulfilling sex life with a loving spouse allows us to feel truly alive - when you don't have that, you feel a little dead inside, and empty - and that's no way to waste your precious time on this earth). Tell him that if this cant be truly resolved, you need to move on and find a partner who is capable of giving you the love you need, in the way you need it. 

Tell him you'd prefer it be him if he wants that too and is willing to do what it takes to resolve these issues with you, but tell him if not, you do need _more_ out of a relationship in order to be happy in life, and you owe it that to yourself (as pretty much every one does), so tell him that ultimately if it cant be addressed properly to put the relationship back on track, then the only other alternative will be divorce so that you can each be with people you are more suited to.

This approach, I believe, will be more effective, and more fair, as a means of accomplishing what you want to do, which is to help him realize the magnitude of the problem, as you've said. It shows him the seriousness of this issue, depicts exactly what this is doing to you and how its making you feel, and lays out the solution for him so he doesn't simply feel betrayed.




MissScarlett said:


> ...Telling him how much you want to cheat only sounds likening to manipulate him to what you would like him to be.
> 
> Lots of marriages don't work out. And life is short. Too short. It sounds like you both could be happier with other people.


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## me2me2me2 (Feb 14, 2014)

I agree with both of you. 

I think my biggest issue is I've been here before. Several times. Things get better and then they go back to where they were...

I hold the resentment because I think subconsciously I know the changes aren't permanent. 

I have convinced myself that I'm fine. I can live like this for our child bit then I realize I really really want to cheat on him. 

I miss the attraction... The intimacy. I go back into denial and think of that's just how it is when you've been married for 14 years. 

But I can't get my husband to want to do anything. He will talk about date night. But rarely plans it. 

And we haven't had a vacation in years. I work and work and work. He takes family trips with our child while I'm working. I just feel worn out and dream about having passion again. 


justfabulous said:


> I agree with Miss Scarlett and the other person who said divorce him - but don't cheat.
> 
> And I also agree with what Miss Scarlett said about telling him you want to cheat (_don't_ do that). Honestly that would be very hurtful without really getting to the real heart of the matter.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

After reading your other thread, I really don't think this is a good time to be pushing him for another child. I also think that may be related to what is going on here, and him not initiating? You should maybe combine the two threads.


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## me2me2me2 (Feb 14, 2014)

No I haven't brought up having another child in months. I swear. I was just realizing in talking with a gf how weird it was that he wanted to adopt instead of having another. 

This has nothing to do with his sexual behavior. 

That I'm confident of. 



delirium said:


> After reading your other thread, I really don't think this is a good time to be pushing him for another child. I also think that may be related to what is going on here, and him not initiating? You should maybe combine the two threads.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

How is your relationship other than the sex issues? Do you get along and spend time together often? Do you both work? Is there a lot of stress? Is it possible he is depressed? Did you have these issues before marriage? When did it start?


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## me2me2me2 (Feb 14, 2014)

Or relationship otherwise isn't great. Lots of drama

Like this afternoon we were all going to go out to eat. Around 3:30. I was ready. They wanted to watch a hockey game. I said ok. So I laid on couch and fell asleep for short nap. When I woke up my husband was screaming at the top of his lungs about the game. I bit my tongue and said nothing about how jarring that is to someone napping. 


So I stood up and said great lets get dinner now that it's 5pm. I went toward the door. They ignored me. So I started doing my make up at the door with my mirror. 

I finally said hey when are we going? I guess I had a tone and DH started yelling at me that I needed to stop yelling. My son said she's not yelling you are. 

So then he got ticked. I walked to the car and got son on car. DH started slamming doors. And then DH started saying that we should just stay home. And then he started slamming the car into gear. 
Son started crying and told DH to apologize to me. He eventually did. 

To answer your question I work 60 hrs a week. He works about 15. 



delirium said:


> How is your relationship other than the sex issues? Do you get along and spend time together often? Do you both work? Is there a lot of stress? Is it possible he is depressed? Did you have these issues before marriage? When did it start?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

me2me2me2 said:


> *My question: if my husband really wanted me.... Would he initiate? *


My experience is that YES, he would initiate. 

It sounds like your husband has a porn addiction so big that he cannot have sex with a real woman/his wife/you. 

It appears that this is an issue that has been happening since the beginning of your marriage (and maybe even before). If that ist he case, I will tell you that I do not think it will change. 

He would have to want it to and to make efforts to. It doesn't seem he wants to do that or has done that. The pattern here is you have a nearly sexless marriage.

If he has been having an affair that m ay explain it. Or if he was super into you at first (sexually) and then not, then something must have happened to effect his libido.

If it's neither of t hose, then it seems this is a pattern and patterns rarely change. 

In my longest relationship, we were together for many years and my partners' sex drive never waned. Never. If I even walked into a room, he wanted to bang me right there. So yeah, your husband... ain't happening.


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

me2me2me2 said:


> Or relationship otherwise isn't great. Lots of drama
> 
> Like this afternoon we were all going to go out to eat. Around 3:30. I was ready. They wanted to watch a hockey game. I said ok. So I laid on couch and fell asleep for short nap. When I woke up my husband was screaming at the top of his lungs about the game. I bit my tongue and said nothing about how jarring that is to someone napping.
> 
> ...


If you two aren't connecting or getting along, it's no surprise your sex life is suffering. That being said, your husband sounds very angry about something. Is it possible he has depression? Or built up resentment? 

There seem to be some serious communication issues - have you considered counseling for the two of you? Or even just yourself, if he isn't willing.

ETA: What does he do for a living, and why does he only work 15 hours when you work 60?


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## me2me2me2 (Feb 14, 2014)

I don't think he has depression. He did go to therapy for awhile. He says he is fine. We went to couples therapy for awhile. 

My DH is just him. He says his personality is just sarcastic and that often takes a negative time. 

The display this afternoon about him yelling and then slamming doors was tough because I could see it bothered our child. 

Was that out of norm for families?




delirium said:


> If you two aren't connecting or getting along, it's no surprise your sex life is suffering. That being said, your husband sounds very angry about something. Is it possible he has depression? Or built up resentment?
> 
> There seem to be some serious communication issues - have you considered counseling for the two of you? Or even just yourself, if he isn't willing.
> 
> ETA: What does he do for a living, and why does he only work 15 hours when you work 60?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> My experience is that YES, he would initiate.
> .


As a man I wouldnt bet on the above statement.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## me2me2me2 (Feb 14, 2014)

I had a talk with him tonight and told him id like to go back to counseling. He said okay and rolled his eyes and asked why.

I told him the yelling at me etc was good example and that I feel we need to work on communication. Then there was about 5 min of silence. I finally asked what he was thinking about. And he said that everything I told him made him feel like a loser and that it was a "pretty big dump". That I made him feel like a bad person. 

I told him I was hoping he would say he loved me and wanted to work on it. He said well I said "sorry earlier!" 

I said but it isn't the same. You are rolling your eyes and making me the bad guy for speaking up. 

He just said he wasn't a good communicator and it isn't easy to fix. 

What am I supposed to think?



soulseer said:


> As a man I wouldnt bet on the above statement.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

It doesn't seem that he sees his behavior as a problem and feels no need to change the dynamic in your relationship.

Under those circumstances it is probably unlikely that more MC is going to help.

In the meantime, though, the dynamic your child is witnessing is going to be changing the way he sees marriage and relationships. I don't know how old your child is, but a child asking a parent to apologize repeatedly doesn't sound good to me. Almost like the child having to take the role of parent, which does happen in the case of addicted parents.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

My husband has always been an angry person, flying off the handle when the slightest thing goes wrong. We've been together for just over two years and the first time I witnesses his temper, I was astonished by it. He's very rarely lost his temper with me - it's usually about other stuff, often insignificant. However, I just don't deal with shouting and sarcasm - it gets you nowhere. Following one of these bouts, I pointed out to my husband that shouting and sarcasm is verbal violence and that, even if he's annoyed with somebody or something else, it's me that witnesses his verbal violence and I won't stand for it. To be fair to him, I have seen him making an effort to control his temper and slowly, but surely, he's winning the battle.

He constantly berates parents of children who are throwing a tantrum so the last time he had one of his shouting fits I waited until the next day when he'd calmed down and started apologizing to me. I then pointed out that he was having a tantrum - that's what it is when an adult loses their temper - a tantrum just like two year olds have. I then pointed out that he's constantly criticising children for having tantrums, but how can he expect them to have control of their temper tantrums when he still hasn't achieved that control in his fifties. This really got through to him - it was about two months ago. Since then there have been a few occasions when he's been really annoyed or angry and, yes, he's sworn and said some pretty vile things about the object of this annoyance, but so far, has managed to resist shouting and the tantrum hasn't lasted very long at all (he used to be able to rant and rave for hours at a time). I think you need to point out to your husband that his shouting and sarcasm are a form of verbal violence and that by displaying this type of behaviour he is teaching your son that this is the correct way to behave (he is your son's main male role model). For the sake of your son and yourself, you really do have to try to address this type of verbal violence. It's not easy, but stand your ground, don't raise your voice and pick a time when he's calm to discuss this with him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

soulseer said:


> As a man I wouldnt bet on the above statement.


So as a man, are you saying you would not initiate ever if you wanted to have sex with your wife?


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

me2me2me2 said:


> I had a talk with him tonight and told him id like to go back to counseling. He said okay and rolled his eyes and asked why.
> 
> I told him the yelling at me etc was good example and that I feel we need to work on communication. Then there was about 5 min of silence. I finally asked what he was thinking about. And he said that everything I told him made him feel like a loser and that it was a "pretty big dump". That I made him feel like a bad person.
> 
> ...


Bull. You can't make him feel anything. If you say something and he feels something, that feeling is his. 

He's trying to make it your problem by manipulating you like that. 

YOU can't make HIM feel anything. Everyone's feelings are their own. 

If he feels that way, maybe it's because you're stiking a nerve. He should own it. 

Also, as for his self-confessed "sarcastic personality," that can be changed. He has to start seeing how it's also destructive to the family unit. Eventually to himself. He can change it.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

me2me2me2 said:


> To answer your question I work 60 hrs a week. He works about 15._Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm wondering if this is an issue for him. Most guys are raised to support their families. It can be embarassing when you don't. I'm wondering if his self esteem is suffering and he's trying to 'get the upper hand' in other ways. 

Why the big disparity? You missing out on vacations because you're too busy working can't be good for your relationship with either your husband or your child.


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