# Fear of divorce becoming self fulfilling



## Born Free (Apr 22, 2013)

When I came into my marriage divorce was not even on the radar scope. It was for my wife thought; she insisted that women need to be independent enough to be able to move on if marriage does not work out. That hurt me but I accepted it since her mother had stayed in a marriage due to lack of financial independence. 

Over the last ten years of marriage she has hinted at separation if she did not get some of her needs met. These needs were completely contrary to what I wanted at the time, but I relented anyways. 

We are still having issues and I am trying to get her to go to counseling. But I have noticed a change in myself. I have felt so threatened by these divorce “hints” that I now see this outcome as a distinct possibility. 

We are currently at a stage where meeting her latest need would involve buying an expensive home. The majority of the assets invested would be mine, assets that I accumulated before our marriage and are therefore protected in case of divorce. I have done research during one of her threats and realize that once we buy a property these assets are comingled and therefore will be split if we separate.

It horrible to say but for the first time I am actually playing defensive and planning for the contingency that our marriage might fail. But by doing so I feel I am pushing us closer to the brink since I am in effect no longer willing to invest / risk assets in what I perceive as a shaky marriage. At the same time I know that if we do not move, she will continue to be miserable and the downward spiral will continue.

It feels like a catch 22.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Born Free said:


> When I came into my marriage divorce was not even on the radar scope. It was for my wife thought; she insisted that women need to be independent enough to be able to move on if marriage does not work out. That hurt me but I accepted it since her mother had stayed in a marriage due to lack of financial independence.
> 
> Over the last ten years of marriage she has hinted at separation if she did not get some of her needs met. These needs were completely contrary to what I wanted at the time, but I relented anyways.
> 
> ...


what is the problem with your current home?


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## Born Free (Apr 22, 2013)

Its not the home, she wants to relocate closer to a larger city


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Can you arrange the home purchase to be in solely your name?

If she is making noises about divorce if her needs don't get met, I might respond with a request for a post-nup to protect your prior assets in case of divorce. She can get her needs met by moving closer to the large city, and you can simultaneously get your needs met with her signing a post-nup. Use a real lawyer to get it airtight.


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## Born Free (Apr 22, 2013)

Thor said:


> Can you arrange the home purchase to be in solely your name?
> 
> If she is making noises about divorce if her needs don't get met, I might respond with a request for a post-nup to protect your prior assets in case of divorce. She can get her needs met by moving closer to the large city, and you can simultaneously get your needs met with her signing a post-nup. Use a real lawyer to get it airtight.


That is a good idea. I don't know how it will go over...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I would suggest making marriage counseling a requirement to even consider buying another house.


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## Born Free (Apr 22, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> I would suggest making marriage counseling a requirement to even consider buying another house.


Good advice, thanks.... 

Counseling starts in two days....


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Tell her that you want to rent your current home and test out the change in location. Rent a house in your new locale. That way you give it a real shot and have your house to fall back on if you need to.


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## sco (Aug 8, 2013)

Hi Born Free-- I am in EXACTLY the same situation and it is so nice to know I'm not the only one-- as a primary breadwinner man how do to navigate a move like this needed for the family (and establishment of a new mortgage based mostly on my salary) in an environment in which we are working on our marriage but may not be successful or ever get to the point at which we are "all in" again... in our case we have outgrown our current home. I've thought a lot about the post nup idea but feel guilty about protecting "my future money"... but then again I also would be miserable paying alimony for years (after we would split) which I probably can avoid if we don't buy a house now

Anyway, send me a private message if you'd be interested in sharing stories and learning on this topic!


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

So how did MC go? (or is going?)


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