# Having trouble



## areenhaque26 (Jan 27, 2017)

I recently got married and it's been almost 2 months that we've been married and the amount of sex that we've had has been scarce to none. My husband keeps telling me it's because he doesn't want me to get pregnant. We've even tried safe sex but that hasn't helped either because he's never "in the mood" he's constantly worried about me getting pregnant. What should I do so he doesn't worry so much about having sex? 

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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

areenhaque26 said:


> I recently got married and it's been almost 2 months that we've been married and the amount of sex that we've had has been scarce to none. My husband keeps telling me it's because he doesn't want me to get pregnant. We've even tried safe sex but that hasn't helped either because he's never "in the mood" he's constantly worried about me getting pregnant. What should I do so he doesn't worry so much about having sex?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


There are MANY forms of sex that will not lead to pregnancy even without protection. Examples include oral sex, hand jobs, grinding with your cloths on, sexting, mutual masturbation, using toys, and so on.

So my question to you is, does your husband have problems with all those alternate forms of sex as well in which pregnancy is not even possible? If so, then he is using pregnancy as an excuse to avoid a confrontation of why he really is not in the mood. Was he OK with these types of sex before but now something has changed?

This is not necessarily a good thing or a bad thing, but your husband could just be struggling to adjust to the idea of being married and the changes in lifestyle that it will imply (buying a house, eventually raising a family, building careers, and so on). 

Also keep in mind that if you remained a virgin that your husband could also be struggling with the idea that sex the first few times may have been rather painful for you. 

Regards,
Badsanta


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

The number one cause of decreased sex is marriage.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

browser said:


> The number one cause of decreased sex is marriage.


What is the number one case of increased sex _in marriage_? 

According to historical data there have been sudden increase in birth rates that were so much higher than anything seen before, that some research was done to find out what happened nine month's earlier. Here they are:



Rare snow storm that shut down the city
Major power outage that shut down the city
Bruce Springsteen Concert


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## areenhaque26 (Jan 27, 2017)

badsanta said:


> There are MANY forms of sex that will not lead to pregnancy even without protection. Examples include oral sex, hand jobs, grinding with your cloths on, sexting, mutual masturbation, using toys, and so on.
> 
> So my question to you is, does your husband have problems with all those alternate forms of sex as well in which pregnancy is not even possible? If so, then he is using pregnancy as an excuse to avoid a confrontation of why he really is not in the mood. Was he OK with these types of sex before but now something has changed?
> 
> ...


Hey sorry I haven't replied back. My classes started recently so I'm trying to balance school, work and home. You're right I didn't think of it that way that he could be stressed out with the move and being married and starting all over again. Your post did get me to think that he might be concerned about what kind of effect it'll have on me since I've been a virgin before marriage. I've decided to give him time to work things out and we haven't even talked about sex for a while now. Also, before we would at least have some kind of foreplay even if it didn't lead to sex now it's nothing. He's affectionate towards me and everything just not sexual. Should I be concerned or should I just give him space? 

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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

areenhaque26 said:


> Hey sorry I haven't replied back. My classes started recently so I'm trying to balance school, work and home. You're right I didn't think of it that way that he could be stressed out with the move and being married and starting all over again. Your post did get me to think that he might be concerned about what kind of effect it'll have on me since I've been a virgin before marriage. I've decided to give him time to work things out and we haven't even talked about sex for a while now. *Also, before we would at least have some kind of foreplay even if it didn't lead to sex now it's nothing.* He's affectionate towards me and everything just not sexual. Should I be concerned or should I just give him space?


The fact that you remained a virgin prior to marriage is admirable!

Most men will not tolerate this and will often engage in premarital sex with their soon to be wife in various stages of the relationship. 

Did you husband not push for this? If he did not and was completely OK with you remaining a virgin, this leads to some more questions. Did he have sexual experience with anyone else or was he a virgin as well? If he did have previous experience, perhaps there was something traumatic about that experience for him, which would explain why he was OK with you remaining a virgin. Now that you two are married, if he had a traumatic past, he can no longer hide from that and must confront it with you. 

There may not be any trauma, but if he is completely avoiding sex with you now, this seems like a sign that he is struggling with _something_ that is giving him anxiety. Could just be a new life together. 

If he will NOT talk about it with you, then you do have a problem. Don't get upset, but encourage him to visit a counselor/therapist with you and exercise some patience with him.

Worst case scenario, your husband was a victim of abuse and your relationship will have to cope and deal with that for a long time to come. Best case scenario, stress has made him loose his mojo for a little while and if you just bake him some awesome cookies, he will be better than OK!

Regards,
Badsanta


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Are you in an arranged marriage? I think you said that in Mek's thread. Might there be some cultural issues here? From my perspective as a regular red-blooded American male there is no good reason to not want to have sex all day every day with my new young bride! 

Some possible issues come to mind which may be going on. But the only way to know is to have open honest communications. He is using a poor excuse of not wanting to get you pregnant. You could go on the pill, use an IUD, get a Depo shot, etc. He could use a condom. You could engage in other forms of sexual activity other than PiV. His excuse is weak.

Maybe he is gay. Maybe he is inexperienced and fearful of sex. Maybe he watches lots of porn (which can mess up a man's sex drive). Maybe he is just worried about you being in pain as a virgin. Maybe he is under some incorrect belief that women don't like sex or that women shouldn't like sex. Maybe he has a distorted view of sex as being somehow dirty or improper. Maybe you have bad breath. Maybe he has some problems with sexual dysfunction. There are a lot of possible reasons he is avoiding sex with you.

I think you could approach him as wanting to get this figured out because it is not acceptable to you. Excluding your cultural issues which I may not understand at all, for me this would be a problem which would lead to divorce if not figured out quickly. That means you two need to discuss it, and perhaps you need to see a marriage therapist to get things moving in the right direction.

This is not acceptable, so don't accept it.


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## areenhaque26 (Jan 27, 2017)

badsanta said:


> The fact that you remained a virgin prior to marriage is admirable!
> 
> Most men will not tolerate this and will often engage in premarital sex with their soon to be wife in various stages of the relationship.
> 
> ...


Ours is an arranged marriage. We talked for a month on the phone (he's originally from new york and I'm from cali) and then we wanted to meet each other to see if we were interested so he came for a weekend and then we decided to get married. I for one could not have been happier with my decision. We are both divorcee (my divorce ended 5 years ago ( and yes I've been single this whole time) and his ended 1 year ago) and I don't know if this will help you understand the situation but he's 8 years older than me. I did ask him if he ever slept with anyone in his entire life; thinking maybe he'd tell me about his ex but he said he hasn't. From what he told me it seems like he and his ex did not have a good relationship. I too never had sex with my ex because I was here and he was in my home country so we never got the chance to. I'm going to do what you suggested and go see a doctor next week and see what the real issue is because like you said there are other forms of sex and for him to be completely shut off then there's something wrong. I don't know if the pressure of not having a job and stress of what's going to happen is getting to him. Also I don't say anything that will stress him out unnecessarily. 

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## areenhaque26 (Jan 27, 2017)

Thor said:


> Are you in an arranged marriage? I think you said that in Mek's thread. Might there be some cultural issues here? From my perspective as a regular red-blooded American male there is no good reason to not want to have sex all day every day with my new young bride!
> 
> Some possible issues come to mind which may be going on. But the only way to know is to have open honest communications. He is using a poor excuse of not wanting to get you pregnant. You could go on the pill, use an IUD, get a Depo shot, etc. He could use a condom. You could engage in other forms of sexual activity other than PiV. His excuse is weak.
> 
> ...


OMG thank you!!! I was thinking the same thing when I got married that we'd be having sex all the time because being a man I thought that's something he'd be into very much. Yes I am in an arranged marriage but it was both of our decision to get married to one another. He's been super affectionate with me from day one. Someone as well mentioned the same thing that you did that he might be concerned about the pain that it might cause me since I'm still a virgin but I've also made it clear to him that if it does I'll let him know. Also when we first started fooling around he would get worried if I wasn't enjoying myself. I get it that he's worried about having a kid since neither of us are financially capable of having a kid, but it's just frustrating that he doesn't do anything. No matter what I do, I haven't been able to get any reaction from him. He's almost in his 40s do you think that could be affecting his sex drive? 

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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

areenhaque26 said:


> OMG thank you!!! I was thinking the same thing when I got married that we'd be having sex all the time because being a man I thought that's something he'd be into very much. Yes I am in an arranged marriage but it was both of our decision to get married to one another. He's been super affectionate with me from day one. Someone as well mentioned the same thing that you did that he might be concerned about the pain that it might cause me since I'm still a virgin but I've also made it clear to him that if it does I'll let him know. Also when we first started fooling around he would get worried if I wasn't enjoying myself. I get it that he's worried about having a kid since neither of us are financially capable of having a kid, but it's just frustrating that he doesn't do anything. No matter what I do, I haven't been able to get any reaction from him. He's almost in his 40s do you think that could be affecting his sex drive?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


Some men as young as your husband already have erectile dysfunction. Some will not talk about it, either.

Do you know if he is able to get hard? Do you ever reach over in bed in the morning, for example, and feel him?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

areenhaque26 said:


> He's almost in his 40s do you think that could be affecting his sex drive?


Unlikely. Men's testosterone levels slowly reduce over time, so his hormones are lower than when he was 20 yrs old. But at 40 he should still have a very healthy sex drive, and his physical ability to have sex (get an erection, ejaculate) should be fine. Some men do have low T. If he is a smoker, heavy drinker, overweight, or have chronic health problems he could also have low T.

Getting his T checked by a doctor is very simple and relatively cheap. I think my doc charged about $150 total for the office visit plus blood test.

Generally, though, I think it unlikely he has a physical or medical problem at age 40.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

areenhaque26 said:


> We are both divorcee (my divorce ended 5 years ago ( and yes I've been single this whole time) and his ended 1 year ago) and I don't know if this will help you understand the situation but he's 8 years older than me. I did ask him if he ever slept with anyone in his entire life; thinking maybe he'd tell me about his ex but he said he hasn't.





areenhaque26 said:


> Someone as well mentioned the same thing that you did that he might be concerned about the pain that it might cause me since I'm still a virgin but I've also made it clear to him that if it does I'll let him know.


I'm confused. You've both been married before, yet you're both virgins?


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Maybe he's gay.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

areenhaque26 said:


> I recently got married and it's been almost 2 months that we've been married and the amount of sex that we've had has been scarce to none. My husband keeps telling me it's because he doesn't want me to get pregnant.* We've even tried safe sex *but that hasn't helped either because he's never "in the mood" he's constantly worried about me getting pregnant. What should I do so he doesn't worry so much about having sex?


What exactly does that bolded part mean? If he does not want you to get pregnant, then you need to be using birth control 100% of the time. Get on the pill. Or get condoms and combine them with contraceptive foam. Otherwise, you are just kidding yourself and your marriage will suffer greatly.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

By "sex" do you mean intercourse, or any sexual activity? 

It is not crazy for him to be concerned about pregnancy - a child can completely change your lives and you should not have one if you are not both completely committed to being parents. Condoms can and do fail, so if that is the issue with BC, he may not be unreasonable.

Is he happy to engage in sexual activities like oral sex that cannot get you pregnant?






areenhaque26 said:


> I recently got married and it's been almost 2 months that we've been married and the amount of sex that we've had has been scarce to none. My husband keeps telling me it's because he doesn't want me to get pregnant. We've even tried safe sex but that hasn't helped either because he's never "in the mood" he's constantly worried about me getting pregnant. What should I do so he doesn't worry so much about having sex?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I am just going to put this out there; I have two cousins and know two other women who had husbands who made excuses not to have sex. All the husbands are now married to men. I had a girlfriend who never enjoyed sex and often made excuses. She is now married to a women she was cheating with while married to a guy. Of course there can be Psychological reasons that may be present and which a Psychologist may be able to help him. As others have said, there are many ways to avoid pregnancy so I suspect other forces are at work here.


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## areenhaque26 (Jan 27, 2017)

Vinnydee said:


> I am just going to put this out there; I have two cousins and know two other women who had husbands who made excuses not to have sex. All the husbands are now married to men. I had a girlfriend who never enjoyed sex and often made excuses. She is now married to a women she was cheating with while married to a guy. Of course there can be Psychological reasons that may be present and which a Psychologist may be able to help him. As others have said, there are many ways to avoid pregnancy so I suspect other forces are at work here.


Thanks I'm really considering going to a therapist because this is absurd. I don't know if being stressed out really does affect a man's sex drive and if it does then is it to extent that they can go days without any kind of sex? Honestly I just want this whole thing to be over with. I didn't wait until I was married to have sex just so I can wait more lol

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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Lack of sex is more than enough reason to end a marriage. Do both of you a favor. Tell him you can't stay married without frequent sex. Give him a month or two to step up his tempo. If he doesn't, file for divorce. You both will thank me a year or two from now when he is out form under your demands and you are with someone who lusts for you.


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## areenhaque26 (Jan 27, 2017)

Thor said:


> I'm confused. You've both been married before, yet you're both virgins?


Sorry I'm replying super late. My first marriage was very complicated. Let's just say that we were never together long enough to have sex because we never lived together. Also his marriage was messed up also. From what he told he was never into it. But to answer your question I think he's had sex because I was going through his phone (don't hate me I wasn't snooping I was bored so thought I'd entertain myself lol) but he has a text from some girl (from 2 years ago) about hooking up. From the looks of it, it seems like he did so it's hard for me to accept the fact that he might be inexperienced or scared. 

I really don't care what he did in his past and how many people he hooked up with but this is absurd. I shouldn't have to be asking my husband for sex I thought it was part of the package. The thing is I am not good at "talking" about issues especially when they are things that bother me and I honestly don't know how to bring this up. Any advice? 

Areen


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

areenhaque26 said:


> The thing is I am not good at "talking" about issues especially when they are things that bother me and I honestly don't know how to bring this up. Any advice?


Just be direct. It may be difficult the first time to get started, but really it is the right thing to do. Getting this issue resolved is needed for both of you. So next time he avoids sex or turns you down, just calmly and matter-of-factly ask him "What's really going on here? Why do you not want to have sex with me?". Just say it with as little emotion as possible, which should make it easier for him to answer. If you're all upset or sound like you're accusing him of something bad, he will feel defensive.

I would also have several followup responses thought out. He will likely respond one of several predictable ways. He may minimize or brush off what you say, as if he isn't avoiding sex with you. He may shift the blame to you by saying you always approach him when it is a bad time. He may repeat his previous excuses. I'm sure you could think of several other ways he might respond. So be prepared with something for each of those responses of his. Your reply should take the discussion further, not end it.

You might say that his response no longer is valid because it has been far too long. You might say he is avoiding the question.  You might say that even if his reason is valid, the situation is not tolerable. You might say that you see things very differently than he does. And then you can follow up either repeating what you opened with ("What's really going on here? Why do you not want to have sex with me?"), or you can go to something else like saying you want to go to marriage counseling. 

Do some research to identify a few marriage counselors nearby. You can even call to interview them. Tell them your situation in a few sentences and ask them if they've dealt with this before, and what their approach would probably be. Select the therapist you feel makes the most sense to you.

If all else is equal, I think a male therapist might be the better choice, but it is only one factor in choosing the therapist.

I highly recommend the book to you "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" by M. Smith. The book has much more to it than the title suggests. There are numerous verbal tools to use when talking with someone who is being difficult. But there are also philosophical ideas in there which I think would benefit you. Your local library may have it, so you can even read it for free.


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## areenhaque26 (Jan 27, 2017)

Thor said:


> Just be direct. It may be difficult the first time to get started, but really it is the right thing to do. Getting this issue resolved is needed for both of you. So next time he avoids sex or turns you down, just calmly and matter-of-factly ask him "What's really going on here? Why do you not want to have sex with me?". Just say it with as little emotion as possible, which should make it easier for him to answer. If you're all upset or sound like you're accusing him of something bad, he will feel defensive.
> 
> I would also have several followup responses thought out. He will likely respond one of several predictable ways. He may minimize or brush off what you say, as if he isn't avoiding sex with you. He may shift the blame to you by saying you always approach him when it is a bad time. He may repeat his previous excuses. I'm sure you could think of several other ways he might respond. So be prepared with something for each of those responses of his. Your reply should take the discussion further, not end it.
> 
> ...


Thank you very much. This helps a lot. *fingers crossed * hopefully I get a legit answer. 

Areen


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Not knowing your husband or culture, I am a bit hesitant to suggest you be aggressive in your confrontation. Normally I would suggest you state a boundary with a definite consequence of ending the marriage. The power dynamic may be an issue though.

If you were my daughter I would suggest doing what I said in the above post, and adding in that this is unacceptable in a marriage and that you will not remain married to someone who avoids sex and who won't discuss problems. Note that this is stating a boundary not stating a threat.  You are clearly saying what is not acceptable to you, and what the consequences are.

You can use the carrot and stick approach, saying that you love him and want to have a great marriage with him. But, you cannot stay in a relationship with someone who avoids sex and won't discuss problems.


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## areenhaque26 (Jan 27, 2017)

Thor said:


> Not knowing your husband or culture, I am a bit hesitant to suggest you be aggressive in your confrontation. Normally I would suggest you state a boundary with a definite consequence of ending the marriage. The power dynamic may be an issue though.
> 
> If you were my daughter I would suggest doing what I said in the above post, and adding in that this is unacceptable in a marriage and that you will not remain married to someone who avoids sex and who won't discuss problems. Note that this is stating a boundary not stating a threat. You are clearly saying what is not acceptable to you, and what the consequences are.
> 
> You can use the carrot and stick approach, saying that you love him and want to have a great marriage with him. But, you cannot stay in a relationship with someone who avoids sex and won't discuss problems.


Thanks and you're right I might as well do what you're suggesting. He's too complacent about things so to him it's not that big of a deal. He doesn't take things too seriously and I'm the complete opposite of him. I have been aggressive with him confronting before but in this situation I need to stay calm so he understands the seriousness of this problem. What's frustrating is that I shouldn't even have to bring up divorce after only being married for two months. I'll approach the way you said it and I'll tell him that I'm going to go to the doctor on Monday and that he should come with me and depending on what he says I'll know what to say. 

Areen


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Why would you go to the doctor? What do you think the doctor could do for you that might enable your husband to have sex with you?

Do you guys make out?
Do you guys touch each other's body in a sexual way? If so, how does he respond when you touch him? If not, why not? How does he respond (or would he respond) if you tried to touch his genitals while still clothed?

These questions may seem intrusive but they are actually pretty important to know.

During the month that you "got to know each other" did you discuss sex at all? How did he react to discovering your first marriage was never consummated? How did he admit to you that his first marriage was also never consummated? Why wasn't his marriage consummated? If he spent an time in her company, did he engage in any sexual behavior, making out, touching each other sexually...?

I don't think your husband has a T problem and I don't think your husband is shy or anxious or afraid. I think your husband doesn't like sex, or doesn't like sex with women.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

areenhaque26 said:


> I recently got married and it's been almost 2 months that we've been married and the amount of sex that we've had has been scarce to none. My husband keeps telling me it's because he doesn't want me to get pregnant. We've even tried safe sex but that hasn't helped either because he's never "in the mood" he's constantly worried about me getting pregnant. What should I do so he doesn't worry so much about having sex?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk




After Mrs.CuddleBug and I got married, the sex was once every month or 5 weeks and only once.

She is on effective birth control.


Are you on birth control? You should be at this point and not worry about getting pregnant.

If you're not on birth control, why not?


Get on birth control, wait about 6 months to be sure and in the meantime, you can have lots of oral sex, foot jobs, breast jobs, anal sex, toys, you name it. That's what Mrs.CuddleBug and I did.


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## areenhaque26 (Jan 27, 2017)

CuddleBug said:


> After Mrs.CuddleBug and I got married, the sex was once every month or 5 weeks and only once.
> 
> She is on effective birth control.
> 
> ...


I feel so much better after reading your post. I started to think there was something wrong with me and that's why my husband didn't want to have sex with me. I'm still going to talk to him about it as some of the others have suggested. I'm going to get on birth control by the end of the week. I just didn't bother since we haven't been sexually active, I didn't see the point of it. 

Areen


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

areenhaque26 said:


> I feel so much better after reading your post. I started to think there was something wrong with me and that's why my husband didn't want to have sex with me. I'm still going to talk to him about it as some of the others have suggested. I'm going to get on birth control by the end of the week. I just didn't bother since we haven't been sexually active, I didn't see the point of it.
> 
> Areen



I was scared of getting Mrs.CuddleBug pregnant before she went on birth control.

She went on when we were engaged, when we got married 6 months later, she was on the pill about 6 months and no problems.

Just try a few first and see how your body responds. You shouldn't have any issues but if you do, you can always go to a different brand.

I bet after you tell him, I'm going on birth control, he'll be all over you.:smile2:


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## areenhaque26 (Jan 27, 2017)

CuddleBug said:


> I was scared of getting Mrs.CuddleBug pregnant before she went on birth control.
> 
> She went on when we were engaged, when we got married 6 months later, she was on the pill about 6 months and no problems.
> 
> ...


I hope so *fingers crossed*

Areen


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