# No toys for me...?



## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

So I have been trying to get my Hubby to agree to me getting some toys (rabbit!!!!) and he wants none of it. He said if I do get something he doesn't want to know, see it or hear it. I asked him what the issue is and he said it makes him feel like he is not pleasing me so I need it. WELL YEAH! Can't remember the last time H and I had sex, though I have been sick for over 2 weeks, so that's not his fault, I am guessing around a month. Now I would LOVE to have sex more often, even once a week would be good with me, but he really doesn't have the same thoughts. 

I guess my question is, should I get a toy or not? I have said to him it could be fun we could have together, but he doesn't think so.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

What is the primary purpose for the toy (and I don't mean the obvious here)? If it's meant to be an enhancement to your lovemaking then I think it's a great idea. If it's supposed to be a substitute for a LD spouse, then I understand why you would want it but it papers over a deeper underlying issue.

No sweat if you don't want to talk about the frustrations with your sex life if you don't want to.

I think it would be OK to get the toy. Either way, it seems like it would be something you will use. I don't think your husband has much room to talk TBH if he's not willing to provide you with the intimacy you need or require. But I'm biased and I have a very high sex drive.


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## NorCalMan (Dec 14, 2011)

If you want a toy then get one. Your husband sounds like my wife ... she won't let either of us to have any toys ... I think it would be great fun to try different toys but not her.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

I wouldn't say I have a high sex drive, but H really doesn't have one at all. I have brought it up many times, telling him I want to be with him more then once a month. He says he doesn't know if he is doing it right and claims his lack of experience is what keeps him from wanting sex more often, oh and of course he doesn't like to talk about it cause he has never before. DUH! You have only ever been with me, and I with him, so I don't see the issue. If he is not going to have sex with me, I have needs too. I would love for us to have more fun together this way, but he just is to shy I guess or just don't want to talk about it. Sucks for me (and not literally either) I don't want to offend him by getting the toy, but he's kind of the reason I want it. You know?


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Get the toy.

Then, however, I would suggest respecting your husband's wishes about not parading it in front of him. Use it as you need, but make sure you keep initiating sex as often as ever so he does not feel that you are using it as a replacement for him.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

I never got the concept of someone having low sex drive and not caring to address the problem to satisfy their partner.

That doesn't sound like love, that's just plain selfish.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your husband is insecure and has a low sex drive. Getting the toy will make things worse for him mentally, I'm guessing. He probably will find out eventually. 

Having said that, get the toy. His issues are his to own and deal with. You're entitled to a healthy sex life, even if it's with the toy. I'm just suggesting you prepare yourself for things to get worse with him, sexually. He may have less interest in sex with you, and even less interest in YOUR pleasure. 

Just my thoughts. Personally, I've always enjoyed using toys with my partners. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Thanks for the tips. I don't understand it either. I mean the things that he is saying have nothing to do with us. I don't see how him never having a partner before makes him not really care how often we have sex. For me, it makes me feel incredibly close to him. When we have a really good night and are just together, the next day its like we are on cloud nine. We can't keep our hands off each other. Now I know everyday is not going to be like that, but even for days after we both felt so close to each other or at least it seemed. I am a very loving person, like to kiss and cuddle, he likes to cuddle to, but he tends to turn it into fun instead of me being seductive. So maybe I am doing something wrong here. Its kind of like, when he doesn't want too, that's it. There is no if and's or buts.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I found the rabbit to be noisy and needing the batteries replaced very often. 

On the topic at hand, though, it really pisses me off when a spouse won't put forth sexual effort but also doesn't want to allow masturbation. 

In short, yes, I think you should get something.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> I found the rabbit to be noisy and needing the batteries replaced very often.
> 
> On the topic at hand, though, it really pisses me off when a spouse won't put forth sexual effort but also doesn't want to allow masturbation.
> 
> In short, yes, I think you should get something.


I agree! You would think if your wife was touching herself beside you it would help him to get off too. It does, but only if he is into it. I have never tried without him already being into it. I just really don't want him being upset or hurt by it. I mean, I have offered for it to be for both of us, but he said no. So whatever.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I do not understand the husband that is the subject of the thread. Bringing toys into the bedroom only makes it better. More chance of an O, bigger O's, louder wife, more intensity, and it takes the pressure off of him. I have well documented issues but when the sex life was good, I would almost insist on her bringing the toy into the act.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

My LD husband won't let me bring toys into the bedroom either.

I don't get it. :scratchhead:

If he's not willing to satisfy me, I don't understand why I can't satisfy myself.

Oh well, at least I have my trusty shower head.... TMI.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

tyler1978 said:


> I do not understand the husband that is the subject of the thread. Bringing toys into the bedroom only makes it better. More chance of an O, bigger O's, louder wife, more intensity, and it takes the pressure off of him. I have well documented issues but when the sex life was good, I would almost insist on her bringing the toy into the act.


This is what I was hoping for. I think we are very different on how we see sex should or could be. I am surprised I feel the way I do to be honest. I am usually the one with the self esteem issues but now, I just want to have more fun and be with him. We will see


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> My LD husband won't let me bring toys into the bedroom either.
> 
> I don't get it. :scratchhead:
> 
> ...



EXACTLY! I know what you mean about the showerhead. We got rid of the BEST ONE! I am very upset about it. Lol. That's why I think I could like some new things to play with


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

My husband was like this as well but recently has become okay with it (since my full confession that I had not been getting off with him.) He's just okay with it, though. He is okay with me suggesting we use something - but it's never his idea. I think he still feels intimidated so I have just been bringing it in once a month or so.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> EXACTLY! I know what you mean about the showerhead. We got rid of the BEST ONE! I am very upset about it. Lol. That's why I think I could like some new things to play with


We just remodeled our bathroom. I remember picking out a shower head with husband and father in law. They both thought that the kind that are permanent to the wall was a better choice.

I fought tooth and nail to get the hand held kind, with the 10 different adjustments...  Good thing they didn't know why I was so adamant. 

Your right though. I'd love a vibrator. It gets cold laying in the tub in the winter. brrr.


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## whathappenedtome (Nov 4, 2013)

10 years ago, I would have thought about the same as your husband. 

This year, we began our foray into the realm of toys, and my opinion couldn't be more different. I WANT my wife to use the toys. I want her to get all hot and bothered. I want her to awaken her sexual self, because then the sex with me is a thousand times better.

You deserve to have your needs met. I would get the toys, and tell him you have them. Offer to use them together. If he refuses, then use them discretely when he doesn't have to watch.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

whathappenedtome said:


> 10 years ago, I would have thought about the same as your husband.
> 
> This year, we began our foray into the realm of toys, and my opinion couldn't be more different. I WANT my wife to use the toys. I want her to get all hot and bothered. I want her to awaken her sexual self, because then the sex with me is a thousand times better.
> 
> You deserve to have your needs met. I would get the toys, and tell him you have them. Offer to use them together. If he refuses, then use them discretely when he doesn't have to watch.


Thank you for saying this. I am hoping he will be open to it. I mean to don't plan on parading my toys around the house, but I wanted to ask him first. I didn't want to feel "bad" for getting them. I want my needs met. Its funny how when he wants sex, he gets it. I have turned him away once, and its because I was coughing so hard I literally couldn't breath, and he apologized for it and I told him I was sorry, that I wanted to do it, but didn't want to barf. Lol. He doesn't really say anything when I talk about me having needs. In one ear and out the other.


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## whathappenedtome (Nov 4, 2013)

You could possibly frame it in the sense that it will make the sex with him better. 

If he's ignoring the fact that you have needs, you could use the point that it will make HIS experience better, if he just opens himself up to it. 

If he does, it will be great. I have actually bought my wife 2 different vibrators as surprise gifts, and am currently looking at getting her a third. I have them shipped to the house in her name, and let her be surprised when opening them up. It's ALWAYS a good day when one of those packages is delivered.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> So I have been trying to get my Hubby to agree to me getting some toys (rabbit!!!!) and he wants none of it. He said if I do get something he doesn't want to know, see it or hear it. I asked him what the issue is and he said it makes him feel like he is not pleasing me so I need it. WELL YEAH! Can't remember the last time H and I had sex, though I have been sick for over 2 weeks, so that's not his fault, I am guessing around a month. Now I would LOVE to have sex more often, even once a week would be good with me, but he really doesn't have the same thoughts.
> 
> I guess my question is, should I get a toy or not? I have said to him it could be fun we could have together, but he doesn't think so.


Why does he have to get them for you? Why can't you get them for yourself?

Besides that issue, he sounds controlling, he has no right to limit your sexual life. I wasted too many years on a man that was not sexually confident and believe me it does not get better.

Life is too short to spend denying yourself or you partner what they want and need, if you can manage to get him to grow up about this then it will benefit both of you and strengthen your relationship.

Mr H left one of my toys on the pillow next to me this morning as he left for work. I know it turns him on just to think of me using it, win/win.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

I wouldn't have issue with my SO using toys, but if I had the opportunity, I'd just as much like to use my tongue, even if the rest of my body was having no part in it. 
What I'm saying is that even if I wasn't in the mood to feel pleasure, I'd certainly offer up my tongue to please her and see she was satisfied.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

IndyTMI said:


> I wouldn't have issue with my SO using toys, but if I had the opportunity, I'd just as much like to use my tongue, even if the rest of my body was having no part in it.
> What I'm saying is that even if I wasn't in the mood to feel pleasure, I'd certainly offer up my tongue to please her and see she was satisfied.



Unfortunately not all men have the same mindset.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

First off, I am 31 and he is 35. We have no kids and have been married 3 years together for around 5. 

Holland - I didn't say I wanted him to buy them, I was saying I talked to him about me getting one. I feel like I wanted to let him know I was thinking of getting one as I wanted to be honest with him and see if we could use it together. He is not controlling me by giving me his opinion. He never said I wasn't allowed to get one, just that he doesn't want me running all over the house with it. But thanks. I was just looking for opinions and to see if any other men thought the same way. It's just something he is not comfortable with.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> So I have been trying to get my Hubby to agree to me getting some toys (rabbit!!!!) and he wants none of it. He said if I do get something he doesn't want to know, see it or hear it. I asked him what the issue is and he said it makes him feel like he is not pleasing me so I need it. WELL YEAH! Can't remember the last time H and I had sex, though I have been sick for over 2 weeks, so that's not his fault, I am guessing around a month. Now I would LOVE to have sex more often, even once a week would be good with me, but he really doesn't have the same thoughts.
> 
> I guess my question is, should I get a toy or not? I have said to him it could be fun we could have together, but he doesn't think so.


I wish my wife would be open to spicing things up with some toys. Hell, with or without me. As long as she tells me about the 'without' times after.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

I'm hoping my hubby will come around, but I doubt it 

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

I got the rabbit for my wife because even though I hate to say it, my batting average at getting her off is not particular high. I bought her a rabbit with the intention of using this not as a substitute for me, but something to enhance our time together and do our best so that we both come out satisfied. Does this mean I won't try other methods or keep working at improving my game?...no...but I will get more at bats...that's for sure.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

CASE_Sensitive said:


> I got the rabbit for my wife because even though I hate to say it, my batting average at getting her off is not particular high. I bought her a rabbit with the intention of using this not as a substitute for me, but something to enhance our time together and do our best so that we both come out satisfied. Does this mean I won't try other methods or keep working at improving my game?...no...but I will get more at bats...that's for sure.


:iagree: This is it exactly. I am going to take a look and see what I like best, Hubby will love it. Lol


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> :iagree: This is it exactly. I am going to take a look and see what I like best, Hubby will love it. Lol



It might help if you let him know he gets to use it on you.:smthumbup:


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## CalBanker (Oct 8, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> :iagree: This is it exactly. I am going to take a look and see what I like best, Hubby will love it. Lol


I can only hope the wifey comes to me asking to get a toy!!!


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

I'd suggest just buying something and surprising her with it (but in a well thought out manner)....and nothing too extreme. Suggest also some water based lube. 

(I really should not be typing this up at work )


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> :iagree: This is it exactly. I am going to take a look and see what I like best, Hubby will love it. Lol


He has already told you he won't love it and wants nothing to do with toys.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

CalBanker said:


> I can only hope the wifey comes to me asking to get a toy!!!


Why not tell her you two are going to the sex shop together to buy one, it is quite a fun time out.

Mr H and I go together every once in a while, they really are very entertaining places.


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## CalBanker (Oct 8, 2013)

Holland said:


> Why not tell her you two are going to the sex shop together to buy one, it is quite a fun time out.
> 
> Mr H and I go together every once in a while, they really are very entertaining places.


I think I'm going to try that the next time we head off to a college hockey game at my alma mater, they have a couple shops in the college town! She just might be open to something like that.


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## CalBanker (Oct 8, 2013)

JustPuzzled said:


> Or check out the US Amazon site. Great selection and prices.


I want to go to a shop though, the experience, the laughter the fun!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

CalBanker said:


> I want to go to a shop though, the experience, the laughter the fun!


Lots of laughter for us, quietly behind the display stands, like two teenagers. It sure is a learning curve for average people like Mr H and I. Sometimes we will look at an item and both be totally puzzled by what it is for and then laugh ourselves silly.

It is hot though to rush home and try out your new purchases.


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

Maybe this is for a separate thread, but do we all have this fear of bumping into or being seen by someone you know at a sex shop?


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Holland said:


> He has already told you he won't love it and wants nothing to do with toys.


I am hoping this will open him up a bit, and if not, that's ok too. I told him I am getting something and he said that's fine, just don't whip it around. Lol


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

CASE_Sensitive said:


> Maybe this is for a separate thread, but do we all have this fear of bumping into or being seen by someone you know at a sex shop?


I have NEVER been in one! But I wouldn't be afraid of that. I would be one of those annoying people who would be giggling and trying on the straps on, H would be hiding. LOL. I may talk to him about going to one with me. You never know


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

CASE_Sensitive said:


> Maybe this is for a separate thread, but do we all have this fear of bumping into or being seen by someone you know at a sex shop?


I recently found out a co worker also works part time at the local sex shop, I so desperately want to go there when she is working. 

The first time I went to a sex shop I was worried by getting sprung, now I don't care if anyone I know sees me there, it would be good for a laugh I think.
We are planning on going to see a live sex show soon, now if I ran into someone I knew there I would die of embarrassment. 

OP can you suggest to your H to go to the store together, he may loosen up about the whole thing and have some fun with it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You weren't asking for specific toy advice, but...

Maybe try something small and discrete, like my SO's fav, a WeVibe Tango. Looks like a tube of lipstick. One nice thing about it is that she can use it on her own, or (the way we usually use it), she can use it when I'm inside her. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CalBanker (Oct 8, 2013)

Holland said:


> Lots of laughter for us, quietly behind the display stands, like two teenagers. It sure is a learning curve for average people like Mr H and I. Sometimes we will look at an item and both be totally puzzled by what it is for and then laugh ourselves silly.
> 
> It is hot though to rush home and try out your new purchases.


That is the thing.....get home as soon as possible! Kids...go to bed!!!! :lol:


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Holland - I think that's what I am going to do. Even just to get out and have a little chuckle. I don't have to buy anything right then and there.

PBear - Thanks for the advise, it is greatly appreciated  I will look into that one. Looks like some of these toys would need a separate hiding spot all alone. Lol


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Oh well, at least I have my trusty shower head.... TMI.


Ah the shower head!! Works for me!! Although I think I will be using it less since my wife is finally feeling herself after 8 months.:smthumbup:

Now to the toy issue. First let me say that watching my wife pleasure herself with her toy?? OMG so HOT! 

First of all, how long have you been together? Sorry if you said and I missed it (I tend to skim...bad habit). I presume you did not talk much about sex in counseling or before marriage. 

Making love to a woman is a learned skill. I don't know what he does for a living, but I presume he had to learn a skill. Same with sex with a woman. There are so many good books out there! We read together and it opens up communication. One is "The Guide To Getting It On" 

I also must ask about his upbringing. I would guess that it was an uncomfortable subject at home. Is this a religious suppression? If so there are a ton of "Christian" books about sex.

Sure, I think you should get the toy, but there are bigger issues here that need to be addressed.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

There are a lot of massagers that um work that do not look like toys. A oral b Toothbrush can bring my lady off like a run away train!


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

romantic_guy said:


> Ah the shower head!! Works for me!! Although I think I will be using it less since my wife is finally feeling herself after 8 months.:smthumbup:
> 
> Now to the toy issue. First let me say that watching my wife pleasure herself with her toy?? OMG so HOT!
> 
> ...


Married 3 years, together for around 5. Used to live apart (he in USA and me in Canada) so we had phone sex quite regularly. We talked about the fact that we were both virgins, but not much more than that. We do talk about sex in counseling, but not a heck of a lot. It has been based on H's daddy issues. His Dad is a military man who was pretty much abusive to H in his teenage years and until he moved to be with me. So I doubt they ever had any kind of conversations about anything like that. No to religion for either of us.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

For storage, my gf uses a shoebox on an upper shelf in her closet. Only her and I know the erotic secrets awaiting within that humble container.

With sh!t eating grin,
Stretch


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

If it's a big concern I believe there are sex toys out there designed not to look like sex toys to the casual observer. You could seek out one of those if it avoids making him insecure.

I believe his suggestion his lack of experience is the reason for his low sex drive and fear of experimentation is precisely backwards. He apparently is uncomfortable around the topic of sex so avoids it...thus his lack of experience and discomfort around any talk of experimentation. 

I married the first woman I was with. This led to extensive experimentation on my part as I was curious and at that time I believed she would be the only person I would ever have the opportunity to experience it with.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

MaritimeGuy said:


> If it's a big concern I believe there are sex toys out there designed not to look like sex toys to the casual observer. You could seek out one of those if it avoids making him insecure.
> 
> I believe his suggestion his lack of experience is the reason for his low sex drive and fear of experimentation is precisely backwards. He apparently is uncomfortable around the topic of sex so avoids it...thus his lack of experience and discomfort around any talk of experimentation.
> 
> I married the first woman I was with. This led to extensive experimentation on my part as I was curious and at that time I believed she would be the only person I would ever have the opportunity to experience it with.


I have tried to talk to him a few times last week about this, about having sex more, and he just says the same thing. So I am not sure what else to do. We see our counselor tomorrow after not going for 6 weeks while she was away. I will bring this up there and see what he says. He doesn't want to talk about it at all and I don't feel like he hears me. I don't even care about a toy IF he would be willing to be with me more often. I can't remember the last time we have had sex and it sucks.


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## kjm (Jan 8, 2011)

I don't understand a hangup on toys. I get my wife a new toy every time I travel for work. It's fun to figure out if they are good or not. I'd rather her use a toy while I am away than to want for something I'm not around to provide.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

kjm said:


> I don't understand a hangup on toys. I get my wife a new toy every time I travel for work. It's fun to figure out if they are good or not. I'd rather her use a toy while I am away than to want for something I'm not around to provide.


My husband is around, but doesn't provide. Lol. I guess he is just not comfortable with it.


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## CalBanker (Oct 8, 2013)

Man....I guess my opinion would be if I'm not going to provide, I'm glad she will get a toy rather than straying.

I don't understand the uncomfortable position with the toy. All I ask....let me watch from time to time, if possible. Or even join in!!!


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

CalBanker said:


> Man....I guess my opinion would be if I'm not going to provide, I'm glad she will get a toy rather than straying.
> 
> I don't understand the uncomfortable position with the toy. All I ask....let me watch from time to time, if possible. Or even join in!!!


That's what I'm saying! I would love to get more freaky but hubby is not into it. So I am stuck.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## CalBanker (Oct 8, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> That's what I'm saying! I would love to get more freaky but hubby is not into it. So I am stuck.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


Get freaky with the toy.

Maybe even plan sometime to be getting freaky with the toy when you know he is on his way home.....have him walk in and see if he might want to join.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

CalBanker said:


> imhisbeautifuldisaster said:
> 
> 
> > That's what I'm saying! I would love to get more freaky but hubby is not into it. So I am stuck.
> ...


That sounds like a great idea but he said he doesn't want anything to do with it. Meh. I can still enjoy it

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## CalBanker (Oct 8, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> That sounds like a great idea but he said he doesn't want anything to do with it. Meh. I can still enjoy it
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


Seriously.....I might blow a load if I walked in on my wife doing that......so hot! Your hubby just doesn't know the hotness he could be having!


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## kjm (Jan 8, 2011)

Happily, there is no level of freaky that she can achieve that I won't follow her or even up the ante. I guess my only rule is no midgets or strap-ons, and I might give on the midget if she was hot. The toys come in handy too when a finger or tongue isn't working as fast as I need it to. If the Hitachi doesn't get it, then I'm assured I can just go ahead and take care of business.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

It sounds to me like the counselling is very important right now. He is obviously uncomfortable about sex. If he wants to avoid building resentment he needs to get to the root of it. 

To me healthy people in healthy relationships both desire sex. Not necessarily exactly the same frequency but close enough that an agreeable compromise can be reached.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Get the toy. Just make sure it doesn't replace HIM.

He sounds insecure, and that is HIS issue, not yours.

Eventually he may be open to using it together. Good times.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

MaritimeGuy said:


> It sounds to me like the counselling is very important right now. He is obviously uncomfortable about sex. If he wants to avoid building resentment he needs to get to the root of it.
> 
> To me healthy people in healthy relationships both desire sex. Not necessarily exactly the same frequency but close enough that an agreeable compromise can be reached.


Yes it is very important. We are going tonight for the firs time in 6 weeks. I wrote him a letter last week telling him how "unhappy" I was and that things need to change. Not sure how much longer I want to stay in a marriage I don't feel truly loved in. He really didn't say to much. I always just seem to let it go. I don't know why.


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## CalBanker (Oct 8, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> Yes it is very important. We are going tonight for the firs time in 6 weeks. I wrote him a letter last week telling him how "unhappy" I was and that things need to change. Not sure how much longer I want to stay in a marriage I don't feel truly loved in. He really didn't say to much. I always just seem to let it go. I don't know why.


No response from him, really?

Yep, time to click that button on the toy site that says, "Order Me!!!"


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## whathappenedtome (Nov 4, 2013)

All this talk about toys made me go out and order a few more for my wife!!! He really doesn't have a clue what he is missing out on!


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

CalBanker said:


> imhisbeautifuldisaster said:
> 
> 
> > Yes it is very important. We are going tonight for the firs time in 6 weeks. I wrote him a letter last week telling him how "unhappy" I was and that things need to change. Not sure how much longer I want to stay in a marriage I don't feel truly loved in. He really didn't say to much. I always just seem to let it go. I don't know why.
> ...


Yeah he really doesn't say much of anything. Counselling went pretty well, she's very good. We will see what happens. I am going to be getting a you though. Just have to figure out what I want! So many to chose from!

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## whathappenedtome (Nov 4, 2013)

The FedEx man brought a gift last night. I listened to the advice that many ladies on the forum gave that they loved their rabbit.

All I can say is THANK YOU LADIES. It was incredible!


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

whathappenedtome said:


> The FedEx man brought a gift last night. I listened to the advice that many ladies on the forum gave that they loved their rabbit.
> 
> All I can say is THANK YOU LADIES. It was incredible!


Yay for you! Lol. Thanks for the info


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## whathappenedtome (Nov 4, 2013)

I have never seen my wife enjoy anything that much. It really was so awesome. I loved that it made her feel so good.


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## CalBanker (Oct 8, 2013)

whathappenedtome said:


> I have never seen my wife enjoy anything that much. It really was so awesome. I loved that it made her feel so good.


Yep, I'm sold. Going to the toy shop next weekend!


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

I'm sold too! Just wish H would join in with me.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> I'm sold too! Just wish H would join in with me.


I think you have the right to take care of your own body needs and if you need a toy like a toothbrush you shouldnt have to ask your spouse. Just get it


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## CalBanker (Oct 8, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> I'm sold too! Just wish H would join in with me.


I have a feeling if you find the toy that does the trick, he gets to see what it can do for you, he will join in!


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## whathappenedtome (Nov 4, 2013)

Invite him to use it on you during foreplay. If he sees what it does to you, he will NEVER complain again.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

whathappenedtome said:


> Invite him to use it on you during foreplay. If he sees what it does to you, he will NEVER complain again.


Foreplay? I don't think H knows what this is.... :rofl:


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## whathappenedtome (Nov 4, 2013)

Well, you may just have to take this opportunity to help him learn what it is. 

It's a life changing experience.


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## CalBanker (Oct 8, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> Foreplay? I don't think H knows what this is.... :rofl:


So are you saying that basically your sex life is quickies then? Doesn't get foreplay....he is missing out!


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

CalBanker said:


> So are you saying that basically your sex life is quickies then? Doesn't get foreplay....he is missing out!


I wouldn't call it a sex life..hence the need for a toy..to use alone. When we do have sex, it certainly is quick. 

HE'S missing out...I AM missing out! He's the reason they are so quick. Lol


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## whathappenedtome (Nov 4, 2013)

You are BOTH missing out. 

Time to go get that toy! Time to show him what he's been missing out on.


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## CalBanker (Oct 8, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster.....you probably have some pent up frustrations, so he isn't going to want to be too far away when you start using the new toy!!!!!


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

CalBanker said:


> imhisbeautifuldisaster.....you probably have some pent up frustrations, so he isn't going to want to be too far away when you start using the new toy!!!!!


I SURE do! I am hoping he won't be far away, but its his choice. Either way, I am going to be ok with it


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

If your H was a virgin at 30, and has no interest in foreplay or exploring and learning and having frequent sex with you, then you have a much bigger problem than toys. 

Why was he a virgin at 30 (you said you two are not religious)? It sounds like he just doesn't like sex much at all.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

whathappenedtome said:


> You are BOTH missing out.
> 
> Time to go get that toy! Time to show him what he's been missing out on.


hmmmm why are my lights dimming over here? enjoy! :rofl:


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

Sounds like you two are inexperienced in a bunch of ways. I mean no offense, at 41 I'm still learning how my wife works and I dated a lot before her. 

Here's a suggestion. How did you present the option to him? I know women like to come from a perspective of helping. Most women will jump in and offer help with something when they think you need it, while men only ask for help if they need it (even when they may not realize they need to ask). Maybe you suggested something like "Hey, our sex life isn't spicy, I'd like to get a toy to supplement a little, you know get me over the top?"

To a woman, that's a perfectly reasonable suggestion. Because she framed it in a reference of help when help wasn't asked for. To a man, it says "Hey since you failed, I need to add this toy" May not be right, but its true.

Men are task and goal oriented. We need job and to get us to do something requires that kind of tact.

How would it have gone if you approached with "Hey, I was a virgin, I never had one of these things and I'm kind of intimidated. Can you go get one and use it on me?"

No reference of his inadequacy, no hinting at failure, just a problem and a solution? It puts him as the solution and not the problem, and includes him.

A good example in my own life, my wife, feeling I was overwhelmed with a lot of things would "take" on a chore that was previously mine. The last straw was the mail. Things were getting lost, bills misplaced (and late consequently), most of it was because I travel all the time. Well she told me "I'm gonna take over the mail because you don't have time." But I felt like she was telling me I failed so she had to do it. I finally put my foot down and told her "No" I'm not letting you. Its my job and I'm going to do it.

Well in one of the smartest things she said she said "Listen, your smart, your great at your job, just figure a way out so I don't have to worry about it any more. Just figure something out like you would at work"

That was it, I put a system in place, and no more issues.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

norajane said:


> If your H was a virgin at 30, and has no interest in foreplay or exploring and learning and having frequent sex with you, then you have a much bigger problem than toys.
> 
> Why was he a virgin at 30 (you said you two are not religious)? It sounds like he just doesn't like sex much at all.


I agree. H was very sheltered I would say. He didn't move out of his parents house till he was told either go into the military or move out and grow up when he was around 28 or so. He moved in withs roommate and that's when we met just shortly before. We talked about his experience on the phone before we met and he just said he moved so much and never really had a GF. I didn't really question his virginity as I was also a Virgin and he didnt question me either. I found out during a game of never have I ever at his place in VA he had gotten blow jobs in the car from one of his friends who is a lesbian. I don't know how it went but it only happened three times. So that's about the extent of his experience until he met me. We used to have phone sex and it was fun. When we met it took us a month before we actually had sex, but that was more of me not being ready. H is very quiet and shy and doesn't like to talk about sex. There is no sexy talk or I want you's. Pretty much when he wants to have sex, he comes upstairs with a hard on, jumps into bed and wakes me up by rubbing on me or touching me and kissing my face. There is no talking or saying anything. He will grab my chest and I'm usually awake by this point and will go for it. But I would LOVE to have some talking and foreplay. But even with the phone sex, it was me doing all the talking really. I really don't think he thinks much or cares much about sex to be honest.

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