# Advise needed



## ben13 (Mar 12, 2008)

I've been with my partner for nigh on 6years now.
I cheated on her for over a year with my ex wife.

We managed to stay together and are still working things out.
(all this happened over 3yrs ago).

Over the last 3 yrs we always maintained a healthy and fulfilling sex life.

Recently (2 1/2months ago) we just stopped having sex. My partner says that she has lost her libido. She also says that she still wants sex and still has all the urges but cant pyshically have sex with me.

This is a major problem for me as we always had an amzing sex life and both had high sex drives.

My partner says there isn't a problem and that it will just come back. I know this may sound harsh but i dont believe her. She will not go see the GP as she's too scared. 
Since the last time we had sex i cant even touch her anymore. She won't kiss me and I feel she doesn't want to even cuddle me.

Does anyone think that she hasn't lost her libido and just doesnt fancy me anymore but cant bare telling me. Or...

Does she really have a problem?
I feel that if she'd lost her libido she wouldn't even be having sexual urges (dont know for sure as its never happened to me).

Any help or advise on this would be most appreciated

Ben


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Since she has lost both the desire for sex with you and she is not receptive to physical touch or affection I’d bet there is something deeper at play. Couple regularly get out of synch with each other sexually and they can return to a mutually satisfying sexual relationship. I’d worry more about her lack of physical intimacy and affection more than the sex. I think you may have a red flag here and the two of you need to talk and find out what the real problem is. Good luck


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## blind (Jan 17, 2008)

ben13 - Did anything significantly change in the past several months. Don't just look back 2 1/2 months, but look a little further back. Sometimes an event can set off feelings that have been under the surface for a while. That seems to be what happened in my marriage. I agree with Amp that there is probably something deeper that needs to be discovered. If you and your wife communicate well I would try to talk about this. Be caring and understanding, not demanding. If you do talk be aware of what is happening in the conversation so as not to push her too hard too quickly. Keep us posted on how things are going. Take care and best of luck to you.

Blind


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## ben13 (Mar 12, 2008)

Hi guys, Thanks for replying to my post.

Amplexor- I'd be lying if I said I wasn't bothered about the sex but tbh I'm really REALLY concerened about the lack of intimacy and affection. We've had alot of up's and downs and talk alot about what I did. BUT... there was still some kind of loving feeling there. Now its just gone altogether. We've talked tonight and she's adamant that we will work things out and that she loves me beyond words. The thing that really bothers me is that when i give her a massage if i go anywhere near her bum or or above her knees she goes really tense and shakes me away. I've talked to her about this and said i feel this is not a physical problem but she just shoots the conversation down in flames.

Blind - There have been a few issues with debt recently (bailiff turned up at our door) and this seems to be the point where things headed south (she had a few bad experiences with bailiffs before we met). I'm taking care of the debt and its no longer a problem.
However the lack of intimacy and affection still hangs in the air.

I asked her tonight why she doesn't kiss n cuddle me or tell me she loves me but she didnt really answer so i tactfully pushed it a little and asked her if she's scared of telling me she loves me to which she replied "maybe". I'm at a loss as to what to do for the best. I love my partner dearly and understand how much hurt and pain I've caused her but I just cant seem to figure out why all of a sudden she's gone so cold towards me.

Sorry its a bit long but hope this might give a little more insight into things

Ben13


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

It sounds like her feelings over your infidelity have snuffed out a lot of her emotional responses. She doesn't want so appear vulnerable to you, which leads to her reluctance to open her emotions or body to you.

I have no suggestions for you. If it is truly a trust issue, you will need outside help and that might not fix things.


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## ben13 (Mar 12, 2008)

there is a lot more trust in our relationship now than there has been in the last 3 years. I cheated on her a about 4 years ago and after that she was ALWAYS checking my mobile phone and my pc to see if i'd been upto no good.
Now under her own admission she hasn't checked up on me for a good 6 months yet her affection and intimacy towards me has totally vanished.

We are waiting for an appointment with a councellor as she has said tonight that she feels that not having every little detail of what happened when I cheated is maybe whats causing the problem.
But why now after so long???????


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## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

Just a footnote... I lost a desire for my husband but still felt the physical desire to have sex, just not with him, and not with anyone really... fantasies of other men don't get me going either. I'm 32... perhaps it's just a phase of life... we've been together for 13 years and married 9 this year. Perhaps it's just that we do have some issues that need to be worked out, but as you asked in your original post, yes, it is possible to not want sex, but still physically desire it. Hope this helps some. =)


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

To me it sounds like she has lost interest in the relationship, and truthfully it could have been anything or nothing at all. Try to communicate with her and get her to open up to you, is my best advice.

draconis


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## ben13 (Mar 12, 2008)

bhappy3 said:


> , it is possible to not want sex, but still physically desire it. Hope this helps some. =)



Hi bhappy3, what my partner told me is that she still wants sex with me and still gets the urges but cannot physically have sex with me! She says her mind is up for it but her body is not.

Draconis - I feel that she has lost interest too but she denies it.

In my mind if i didnt want any intimacy with someone then that tells me that i aint got any feelings for them but thats just me.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

ben13 said:


> In my mind if i didnt want any intimacy with someone then that tells me that i aint got any feelings for them but thats just me.


Where do you want to go from here? Do you want to try to revive the relationship, let it go or do you feel like coasting a while?

draconis


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Ben13

Did the discontinuance of the snooping six months ago coincide with her loss of emotion and intimacy? If so she may had disconnected at that point. Not worrying about you straying anymore because she withdrew from the relationship. Think about events around that time to see if you remember something that might have changed her feelings. That she is willing to go to counseling is great. Good luck


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## ben13 (Mar 12, 2008)

obviously i wanna sort it out otherwise I would've just walked away and wouldn't be here.

We are close in the sense that we talk alot more than ever before and are quite open with one another.


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## ben13 (Mar 12, 2008)

Amplexor said:


> Ben13
> 
> Did the discontinuance of the snooping six months ago coincide with her loss of emotion and intimacy? If so she may had disconnected at that point. Not worrying about you straying anymore because she withdrew from the relationship. Think about events around that time to see if you remember something that might have changed her feelings. That she is willing to go to counseling is great. Good luck



Things got much better when she started to trust me more. We are close to the point that we have been known to know what each other is thinking and predict what the other is gonna do or say.

Its purely the affection and intimacy thats the problem.
She still says she needs to know every little detail of what happened when i cheated on her but wouldnt that make things 10 times worse?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

It sounds like she has forgiven you and you have regained her trust, but although an affair can be forgiven, it will never be forgotten. Initially, obsessive thoughts are non-stop and not knowing all of the details can make one only imagine what went on. Since this affair went on for some time, she is probably not only questioning the sexual details, but also the emotional attachment you had with your ex at the time. Either way it's very painful to think about and relive in your mind over and over and if there were a switch to turn off those thoughts, she would have years ago. She probably feels that if she knows everything, she can put these thoughts to rest. I don't know if that works or not but even if you are close now, the feeling of a safe, secure relationship is probably shadowed by your actions in the past, so there is always some sense of 'it happened once, it could happen again.' It can make one feel completely worn out and somewhat resentful that you now have a wonderful marriage and she is still struggling with the past when she was not the one that had the affair. Should you tell her the details? I don't know. I'd lean toward yes but presentation is everything. If you feel horrible about it and she hears it as you speak, it might resolve things for her once and for all. If she sees your face light up when you reminisce about the past, it will definitely make things worse. I think there are 2 reasons for wanting to hear the details. To feel that she is fully connected to you (that you don't share something with your ex that she is not privy to) and that she sees how remorseful you are about the whole thing. It wouldn't hurt to end the conversation by telling her how hurting her has made you feel and that your main goal in life is to prove your love to her every day for the rest of her life. She just wants closure and is not able to find it on her own. Good luck whatever you decide.


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## ben13 (Mar 12, 2008)

wow swedish, you make a hell of a lot of sense!!!!
You know... I think you may have hit the nail on the head with your post. In fact I believe in what you've said so much that I'm going to get my partner to read this and see what she thinks.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write your last post i think i may be seeking some more advice from you in the not too distant future


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

You are welcome. Without going into detail and hijacking your post with my own story, what I gave you is based on my own personal experience and feelings, which I'm still dealing with myself. So while I certainly don't have all the answers, I do know how she must be feeling.


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## ben13 (Mar 12, 2008)

Well I very much appreciate your input and am grateful that someone has finally said something that makes alot of sense.


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## ben13 (Mar 12, 2008)

swedish - Well I got my partner to read your post and guess what... She agreed with everything you said. She even said you MUST be a woman going through a very similar thing (this was before she had any idea that your a female in a similar situation to us)!!!!!!!!!!

Well we talked alot last night and i told her everything that happened with my ex. I told her how sorry I am and how I too have to live with what I did evry single day.

We even had quite a long cuddle before bed which REALLY suprised me as I thought she'd want to disembowel me!

Just thought I'd let you know how helpful you have been to us and wish you all the best in your relationship.

Thank you


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Hi Ben,

That is so great to hear. I'm really glad you were able to talk and feel closer to each other. I wish the best for both of you going forward. Take care.


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