# would you kiss or have sex in revenge?



## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

So I posted the below and just want some opinions of people who have been cheated on now I know that this is minor compared to most situation. BUT do you think that I should get him back I have that feeling of revenge SO if I was going to do it for my own selfish reasonings then would you have sex or just kiss what is more critical? he told me today that he did it cause he felt nothing for her but it wasnt about her is was about us and everything as a whole he was hurt mad confused it might have been a revenge thing cause he thinks I didnt look at him like a man the way I did other men. and the things I did to him in the past passing out at a bar playing strip poker with this couple. and all we did was fight.

So would you do it back? should I kiss or have sex with someone?




This has been eating at me for a long time so I need opinions. I have searched the internet High and Low for someone with a simular situation and cant find anything. I just found out like a month ago that my ex Best Friend kissed my husband in mid sentence he was not expecting it at all. But he did kiss back and it was very short. We were having problems in our marriage back then and she knew that as well cause at the time she was my very best of friend. Well anyways after that she went inside he left with his friend crying about it all. so two months gone by and he was lost as well as I was and we just were waiting for the other to say I am done pretty much. So he decided when they were at our house that to fix this marriage or end the marriage he was going to take manners in his own hands so he asked her when they were alone if she had feelings and she said no. He says well how do you know? She said I just know I love my husband and your wife and kids he says so do I. but maybe we should kiss so you know. she said well I think that you should talk this out with your wife and he said I cant? so she said ok and they did. He said it was awkward and short then after it was done he said nothing she said nothing then she left. Three days later he called her and said he was sorry about that all and it was wrong he loves me and the girls and it wasnt that he had feelings for her it was him figuring out our marriage the weird way he knew how and that he did with her cause she was a friend and would understand. 

What do you think is that weird do you think that he is telling the truth I mean he isnt pushy do you think that he had feelings?
I mean she tried to kiss him a couple months after that and he said no that was all a mistake if he liked her he would have right?
And also by her saying no she didnt have feelings he knew that but kept trying to kiss her anyways like he didnt care what she said he was going to do it? Does that mean something? like he knew she didnt it was for his own reasons


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Hello Sunflower,

Right now you are in pain. What would having sex or kissing another gain? Would it make you feel better? Would it hurt him? ( my guess is that's your goal) Would it make you and him even? I don't know you but any person with a shred of dignity and maturity wouldn't do it if they had any desire to save the relationship.

My wife of twenty years began an affair with her good friends boyfriend. When we decided to get divorced he broke up with his girlfriend (my wife's friend) to be with my wife. Said girlfriend and I got together a lot to talk about things and we talked about revenge sex. I have to admit I was torn, she is a very attractive woman and I havn't had sex in months. In the end we decided it would only lower us to their level. It would not make us feel better (in the long run), and probably wouldn't hurt them. Also for me I had to consider my kids, some day the subject of infidelity may come up and I need to be able to teach by example and practice what I preach. 

So my vote is be proud of being the better person. If you want to save the relationship then work on it, if not finish your business with him and then move on.

Cooper


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I do want this to work and your right I am so hurt I think that anyone in my position would be hurt also. And maybe men and woment think differantly men need more attention then women in that way I guess. It hurts so bad to think that he did that in pain i don't know? I guess I am being very immature.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Was he there when you played strip poker?
Was he there when you passed out in a bar?


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

No he wasnt there either time.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

How do you act when you drink? Melancholy, silly, libidinous (horny), angry?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

So would you do it back? should I kiss or have sex with someone?

Have you actually read what you are considering. Your husband kissed someone and then confessed.

So naturally your only choices are to kiss someone or screw them. You're the one who came up with the choices.

Why did you play strip poker with that couple? Did you tell your husband or did he have to find out himself? To what end were you playing strip poker, if it wasn't to end up in a threeway? I'm sure that the thought never entered you or your husbands mind. 

When you passed out in the bar. Did he pick you up or did you end up at some guy or girls place? What time did you get home. Was he worried?

It would be easier to advise if you filled in some of these holes.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Cooper said:


> Hello Sunflower,
> 
> Right now you are in pain. What would having sex or kissing another gain? Would it make you feel better? Would it hurt him? ( my guess is that's your goal) Would it make you and him even? I don't know you but any person with a shred of dignity and maturity wouldn't do it if they had any desire to save the relationship.
> 
> ...


I agree, take the high road.

draconis


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## cheewagacheewaga (Aug 28, 2008)

Revenge is a dish best served cold!


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

revenge or making things (even) doesnt work. makes you feel more rotten in the end.
i have never done the revenge bit. ok yes its normal to think about it as your hurting and dont know which direction to go to.
but then i wouldnt lower myself for the sake of a revenge sexually transmitted disease.
i value my mind and body and soul more.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Your husband was open and honest with you about what happened. Honestly, this woman friend sounds like she wants to swing with both of you and it's hurting your marriage.

He did not go out seeking another woman. He was feeling unloved, unappreciated by you and she knew this and took advantage of him when he was vulnerable. He probably felt horrible knowing you passed out in the bar and played strip poker. He was probably worried and wondering if you cared about him at all. 

You have the opportunity to listen to what he's opening up to you about and make him feel loved, desired, appreciated as a man & husband. If you do not have it in you to reach out to him but instead feel that revenge is the only option that will make you feel better, I'm afraid in the end it will only make you feel worse and your marriage will suffer.

Can you put yourself in his shoes and look at the big picture from his perspective? Your best shot at a strong marriage is if you are able to forgive him and move forward.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ok so last night he told me another missing peice to this confusing puzzle. He told me that after they kissed He said nothing? she said nothing then hugged her and grabbed her butt. WTF is that? was he seeing if he could get more and more?

And you cant see where I would want to get back?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Funny how you fail to elaborate on your own indiscretions. It seems obvious that you are looking to have an affair (screw someone) and that you are using your husbands actions to justify it. He screwed up. But if he is coming clean and telling you everything (which is how it is suppose to go) you should wait to do anything that would further endanger your marriage. Unless then of course I am right and you just want go out knock boots for fun. Its almost like your looking for permission from this board to go and screw some guy. I'm still interested in hearing about the details regarding the strip poker and passing out in the bar.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

sunflower said:


> And you cant see where I would want to get back?


I can completely understand you feeling hurt, even to the point where these thoughts would cross your mind. But to seriously consider kissing/sleeping with another man just to get back at him or make yourself feel like you're 'even' won't work...it will bring you both even further apart. A lot of it is being able to let go of your ego and your willingness to forgive.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

So if this happend to you would you stay I mean it was a year ago. Well he just told me like two months ago BUT... ya He says that the butt grab was nothing he didnt even think when he did it that it just happend so do I trust he didnt want to have more with her? How the heck do i move past all this I am crushed cause its like he tells me he had no feelings no attraction nothing do you think that a lie?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

My husband did kiss another woman he works with...several times over the course of a few weeks...this happened over a year ago and yes I was very hurt and had a lot of questions, but it came down to us talking and both wanting our marriage to work. Part of it was for me to come to grips with where our marriage was at the time...he was feeling unloved, unappreciated so when she gave him attention he caved...Now that time has passed, rather than dwell on what he was thinking at the time or re-hashing it over and over asking for all details I try to stay focused on what we have now, which is a very close, happy marriage.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

WOW really I mean thats good right you turned a neg. into a positive and are mending things! I guess I have to take in what he says believe him and knowing nothing came from the grope and it was revenge on all of us. Then to take that and ride with it of course you go back with those thoughts of ya right revenge but then you think maybe he is right he hid this for a year from me and she tried to kiss him again after that and he told her no so.... guess he may be telling the truth.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

A woman being tempted and giving in, I can take. But doing it out of revenge I can't. I would never stay with a vengeful woman. I don't respect that sort of person. You can never tell what they will do next.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Trust me, I have had many insecure moments and floods of bad thoughts from this, but they do diminish over time. We had his work Christmas party yesterday and she was there so that's always cause for anxious feelings on my end, but he stayed by my side the entire time (even waited outside the rest room when I went!) and we actually both had a nice time.

The bottom line is that he made a horrible mistake...bad decision that was wrong within the context of marriage, but has since shown true remorse and we have both put our focus back to our marriage...it's actually better than just mending things, our marriage today is closer and stronger than it ever was before this happened...it's really about whether you can forgive and are willing to let go...it doesn't have to be today, but when it feels right for you...


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

K so tell me how to get over this and what to believe this morning when we were talking about the arss grab it was oh I dont know why I did it I hugged her to make her not feel worst then just did that outa reflex then this afternoon I get a text saying "I dont know why i did it i just did if you want to chalk it up to someting maybe it was revenge cause what you did not the kiss though that was about us.the grab revenge cause of what you did and how hurt and mad i was at you and him and her that was my way of getting you guys back it was not sexual i didnt want anything more but to get even. that was my purpose i want to stop hurting iside and stop hurting u I know you dont think so but I ach inside and i want it to stop and the only way for that is for you to stop aching you are my life my solemate i need you more then anything but if you think i will keep hurting you i dont want that I love you".


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

At one point I just told myself it's pointless to keep asking why and asking for more details...in the end I would think for a few more days and have more questions...it was draining...I finally said to myself, just imagine the worst answer to your question...and what would you do then? In my case, I would still want to work on the marriage regardless of how he was thinking and feeling when that all happened...the only thing important to me was how he feels now...if he still had feelings for her and was just staying in the marriage to 'do the right thing' ... no thanks. I deserve more than that. He is being very honest with you...he was deeply hurt by your actions and reacted in an immature way...if you do the same it will go back and forth indefinitely and neither of you will be happy.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

A little more light shines in.

"cause of what you did and how hurt and mad i was at you and him and her that was my way of getting you guys back it was not sexual i didnt want anything more but to get even."

So then your husband did this out of revenge against your strip poker with the couple. But the way you write, and the only passing reference you make to the strip poker and passing out in the bar gives one the impression that you are in denial that your infidelity was in any way partly to blame for his actions. This man sounds truly broken over your tryst. And yet the only thing you speak about is getting revenge on him. He obviously is deeply in love with you and has had his spirit and his faith in you crushed. You may not want to share here on this board but I hope you will take your blinders off and look at your part in this.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya you are right I do love him and its sad cause I think that absolute worst and that hurts. BAD. But then also you know I think he is scared. He didnt tell me I mean when he did I FLIPPED out threw something and told him I wanted a divorce so by him not telling me he had feelings well maybe it wasnt feelings that he had I think thats true but I do think that he wanted to pursue something more will he ever tell me no. THATS what hurts I think that when in a situation like this you need to tell everything. hurtfull or not.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Why do you insist he wanted something more? Why not just believe him? Part of me wonders if you have had those thoughts during the strip poker nights, etc. and therefore assume he must think that way as well. It just doesn't add up the way you seem to want to force how he must have felt...he is trying to be open and honest with you.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

well I just think that men would think that way and people think that I am crazy for staying because he wanted sex there is no way he would do that and not want sex so there is my mind going and going.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Based on what you've said about your friend, if he really wanted sex he could have gotten it...and he didn't.

Worst case scenerio (and he's saying this is not the case) he did want to have sex with her because he was so hurt and upset with you...so what? He was feeling horrible at the time and even if he did have those thoughts, he still didn't have sex with her. Why is this even an issue?

I wouldn't assume he thought that way just because other men might...he sounds like he really loves you and was really hurt by your actions prior to this happening.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya your right. why are you helping me so much usually people are just whatever dump him?


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Oh my gosh....I feel like I am beating my head against a wall reading this. Now you are asking why someone here is helping you when you asked for help? I think you should start looking into your own insecurities and personal actions before you start questioning the motives and thoughts behind what everyone else is doing.

Give your husband a break. He loves you and is trying to do what is right. Revenge will only come around and harm you in the long run. It will be hard for you, and will take some time, but put all this behind you. Stop asking for every thought and feeling your H has. Don't obsess on this too much or it will blind you.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You said that the kiss between your husband and friend happened a year ago. Time wise how close was that to the strip poker incident. 1 week? 1 month? 2 months? 6 months? It would help immensely in understanding what your husbands mental state was at the time. I know you want revenge for the kiss. But how can there be any resolution between you two if you don't explore what the other half of the marriage was feeling at the time? I am amazed that no one else on this board has expressed any interest in exploring the underlying situations.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I think this forum is a good resource for getting honest opinions. Personally, I haven't heard anything so horrible that would warrant ending your marriage. Friends and family tend to support you and lend an ear and will usually take your side when you are emotional, but there is usually more to the story (ie the strip poker, etc. leading up to this event) If you both love each other, your marriage is worth the bumps in the road.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

I agree with Initfortheduration in regards to the underlying situations. Was his kiss a revenge method against you and your actions? I am also curious to know if he asked you for every single thought you had running through your head while you played strip poker, passed out at the bar, etc. Has he required you to express every single feeling you had while you were behaving this way? As you are with him? As was asked above, what are the time proximities between your behaviors and his?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Thank you MsStacy :iagree:


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Hi Sunflower, Cooper here

I answered your question at the begining of this post, I answered without passing judgement on your actions (the strip poker and drinking). After reading more of your post and getting a better idea of your relationship now I am saying that neither one of you are commited to the relationship, or you are both just to immature to have an adult relationship. When you are commited and in love with another person you show respect to that person. You don't play strip poker with others, you don't get drunk and embarrass yourself, you don't play suck face with someone else, you don't play ass grab with with others. Do you see what I'm getting at? If you love each other you just don't do these things to each other! 
You both have created a destructive pattern already, it would take a lot of work to repair the negitive history. I don't see the maturity level necessary to fix it. Good luck to both of you when you grow up.

Cooper


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ok so I think that you are right we were very immature and very distructive in our marriage then. After he has shown me how much he loves me. The poker game was 3 months prior to the kiss. I know I am over reacting this and what we both did was wrong I know that I am drilling him when I shouldnt be drilling him. I guess I am just having a really hard time with him kissing and rubbing another women and him telling me he had no feelings or attraction. If I felt he was open and honest then I would have nothing to hold on to and just let it all go. I do know I love him I do know he loves me. what I did was wrong but what he did was worst.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Your words from another post...."I got naked with his friends"

and from this post...."what I did was wrong but what he did was worst."

I don't know....it doesn't sound like he was naked while kissing the girl. This is your perspective, your point of view. I wonder if he feels like you being naked with HIS friends was worse than his kiss? Might that be his point of view?

The only chance you may have in your relationship is to find marriage counseling and participate together. Seems you both need to grow up a bit and stop seeking revenge. If you two truly love one another you can move past this. But you must stop trying to one-up eachother, or trying to hurt the other in vegance. Stop fooling around, making bad decisions and rehashing everything. Start over today.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

So you think that he could have done that all in revenge? from kissing and groping that he didnt want her? your right we really need to grow up we have two beautiful girls that we cant play games with ruining there lives.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Without going back and rereading all the posts, do most of these poor judgement actions happen when you and him have been drinking? If yes you don't have to be a genius to see where to start if you want to work on becoming better spouses and better parents. Stop drinking!

Cooper


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Yes, I think it could have been revenge. If I remember correctly it was only a couple months after your incident(s). It could have also been that he was hurt from your actions and simply found someone who was paying him some positive attention.

It also sounds to me like you guys need to find some new friends. If you are getting naked with his friends and he is kissing your friend....those aren't friends. You should socialize with people who have a better set of morals and boundaries.

Get some couples counseling and start working on a marriage that you would want your daughters to emulate when they become involved with men. Remember....our daughters will very likely choose husbands and have marriages based on what they learned at home. What are your daughters learning right now?


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

That makes me want to cry. I want my children to have happy marriages and my husbans isnt a bad mad we just got caught up in bad things. I mean your right thinking about what happend kills you it does thinking of him kissing her and rubbing her butt really irks me. I just need to think positive and try as hard as i can to get by this.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

"Ya I did not have a threesome with this couple. NOT even close he was hurt. He asked me if I thought that was cheating and well I never really thought about it like that I was pretty quick to dismiss it and say it was nothing when it was something. I got naked with his friends he has known forever was hurt and betrayed by us all. so yes I guess in a way I cheated. BUT not like he did"

Excuse me. Lets apply some of the grilling you gave your husband. You said you did not have a threesome. Did anybody touch you? We're you drinking? If you were touched was it limited to kissing or did you go further? You say your husband was hurt. This statement here is what probably crushed him and made him question your marriage. "He asked me if I thought that was cheating and well I never really thought about it like that I was pretty quick to dismiss it and say it was nothing when it was something. 

On your wedding day when you took your vows. Was your husband under some misconception that he thought that he was the only one that would get to see you naked (especially man). Why would he ever think such a thing. When you said you were pretty quick to dismiss it. What did his face look like when you blew off his questions? Could he have thought "Wow she doesn't think enough of our marriage to even consider what I am feeling and how hurt I am over this" Your husband seems like a man of few words but seems to feel things quite deeply. Looking back how was his demeanor after this. Was he the same man. Or did he seem distant and depressed? Just a few thoughts. And thank you for your candor regarding this issue.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I guess there was another shoe to drop about a size 16.

ya its funny how you can relate to these storys my story is very much the same to. We were both unhappy in our marriage and 3 months prior I did something stupid with this couple of the wife he cheated on me with. She kissed him one night then a few months later he initiated the kiss with her and he fondled her whiles kissing then it was done from there he called her and told her sorry. She tried again a few months later and he said no. So I think it was all in revenge in a way. Maybe caught up in the excitement wanting to feel good that someone liked him or if he should leave me? I will never know exactly what it was about but seriuosly I think that what matters now is if they will do it again? if they love you? if you love her?

I think you left out the detail that the couple you got naked with is the same couple the wife who kissed your husband belonged to. HMMMMMM. I wonder if there is something that ties these two incidents together. NAH!


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Not to put to fine a point on it. Myself being a guy can probably explain what he is probably thinking when your friends come around.

Going out to dinner.

Oh. There's bob who saw my wife naked.

Going to the bathroom at the restaurant

Oh. There goes bob to the bathroom. He saw my wife naked.

Ordering dinner.

Oh I wonder what bob will be ordering. He saw my wife naked.

Ordering desert.

oh. Bob's ordering the cheesecake. He saw my wife naked.

Saying goodnight for the evening.

oh. Good night Bob who saw my wife naked.

You talk on the phone to your friend bob's wife

Your husband asks. Who's on the phone. You say Rita, Bob's wife.

Your husband thinks.

Oh the wife of the guy who saw my naked.

You're walking through a topiary garden

Your husband thinks:

Wow! that pittosporum looks exactly like Bob. The guy who saw my wife naked.

He is changing the oil on the car.

Wow that little oil spill looks like Bob. He saw my wife naked. 

You make him pancakes in the morning.

He sees his and thinks wow! that pancake doesn't look anything like Bob who saw my wife naked. 

But the melting pat of butter on top looks exactly like Bob who saw my wife naked.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ok I get that so he thought wtf and I didnt talk much about it and I made him feel like it was nothing when it was something. But why in the hell would he think that it was ok to fondle and kiss her? its really hard to talk to anyone about this cause EVERYONE is saying that he wanted sex. SO how do you move on from your husband wanting sex with another women?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Here is how I see the events (and I am not siding with him. He just isn't here to express his side of the story. So I can only convey what he might be feeling). I don't think he wanted to have sex with this woman at all. Because if you are correct about her attraction to him. And her and her husbands lack of inhibitions/morals, about having sex outside their marriage. He could have had her anytime in the last year and he could have hidden it. He might have even wanted to be caught so this whole issue of the poker could be brought out and discussed (you should ask him if that might be why he did it). I think he was hurt and depressed about the poker. He may have wanted to kiss her to in someway see what attraction you/he were feeling towards her and whether he/you wanted to have an open marriage (bring other people into your marriage for sex), since you started it and were so secretive about what happened. Think about this too. Your husband is not bi so you wouldn't expect him to kiss the husband. Right? You weren't up front with him about how far you went with this couple. And your avoidance of speaking about it on an anonymous board kind of shows that you are still keeping secrets from him. You don't have to be graphic with him or share here but you have to be honest and transparent and answer the questions he has.

I think you are looking at a symptom that there is something wrong with your marriage not the fact that he actually wants to have sex with this woman. Have you thought of asking your husband to come on this site with you so that you can both discuss your feelings in the matter with possible advice from the board? The secrets between you two are destroying your marriage.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

So I am a mess today. My husband told me this morning that he is leaving. He says that I am never going to work on bettering this and I just keep going back and asking the same questions over and over and over I am in a way obsessed. I asked him last night if he got a erection from the kiss and he said no and she said no. So then I asked him if he did would he leave me he said well I don't know I know I didn't want to have sex with her and If I did get one it wouldn't have been about wanting sex that's for sure. he said sometimes me just get erections and its not always wanting sex.l Is that true? why cant I just get over this seriously I am losing my mind. I love him he loves me why cant I just say it was a mistake he loves me he didn't want sex or he would have got it one way or another with her or someone else. I think I just ruined my life and lost my husband...


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I can tell you why. Based on how you trivialize your infidelity. At least based on your lack of candor here, and probably with your husband there that you have been hiding what actually happened at the strip poker party. Along with the constant cross examining of him about this kiss with someone YOU got naked with. Both of these show that you (at least from my experience) have a guilty conscience and that you are doing anything you can to push all of this issue on to him. That my friend is called projection. And its a way to salve your conscience. Think for a moment. You are on here asking advice about your husband (who no one on here knows or has communicated with), when you know him best of all. Why? 

Regarding him leaving. He is leaving because there are secrets between you and he can't take it anymore. So before he walks out the door. I would suggest you do a major mia culpa (my fault) with him. Either that or you will be on here asking advice on how to get your husband back. Your choice.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

No I think that my pride issue is just that pride. I am having a really hard time understanding how my husband did that with another women and how he may have could have been attracted he says not but thinking about it makes me sick thinking of details and if he got a erection all of that makes me really sad to think he could do that and not fell bad.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

If there is the tiniest bit of empathy within you, where you can see the slightest reason why he did what he did based on your strip poker incident, now would be the time to show that to your husband. This is quickly becoming a self-fulfilled prophecy. You have 2 girls to consider here...deal with your insecurities now...talk to a counselor or whatever you need to do...this is not about him or the kiss...it's about you & if he walks out the door, you will be the same way with any other relationship...if your man wakes up with an erection, questioning him on whether he was thinking of you and what he was dreaming about...you need to understand that he is human...he is not perfect...he is doing everything he can based on the circumstances to make things right with you but you won't have any of it. What do you expect him to do?


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

sunflower said:


> I am having a really hard time understanding how my husband did that with another women ...


Well, how hard a time do you think HE'S having with your strip poker??? 

Communication is crucial to any relationship. Grilling him on whether or not he got an erection is NOT communicating. Going to a strip poker party is NOT communicating. Trivializing it is NOT communicating. 

YOU need to apologize, profusely, to him! And lay off the grilling. Otherwise, I'd be at the door myself helping him move his stuff out!


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You know. You can give a person a book but if all she does is eat the cover..............

May I be direct with you? Why would you have a hard time understanding that your husband did that (kissed and grabbed her butt) with "THAT" woman (It is not "another" woman. It is the same woman you were naked with), And not just her butt but her husband too. I'll wager that there was more then just kissing going on between the three of you. Regarding your pride, when your daughters ask where there daddy is after you have driven him from your home. Simply tell them that momma's pride will take the place of their dad's arms. Is your pride gonna pick them up when they fall. Is your pride gonna be there when they have their first date. Or when they are rejected by some boy at school. Is your pride going to tell them that any boy who does't see what he sees in them is an idiot, and not worth a second thought. But the most important place your pride will be sufficient (I'm sure), is when they are crying out for affection from some guy (with questionable motives) when they are in their teens and 20's because their father isn't around to make them feel like more then a sex object. I'm sure they will look at that trade as worth it (your pride for his arms). 

And what about you? Is your (false) pride gonna keep you warm at night? What are you going to do when your husband introduces your daughters to the woman who will gladly take your place (and will hopefully be more honest and transparent with him then you were). And all because you refused to suck up that all important pride of yours. But you will be able to look at yourself in the mirror at night and say. "But I have my pride"

How's your pride been working for you up to now?


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Seriously the strip poker was really not like that. We played the game. Then she commented at one point that he was getting hard. UNCOMFORTABLE. then we all went to bed her husband told me to get into bed with them and I declined. I was out and forward with him about everything. I do have pride issues your right. Its like how could you expecially when he told me how I broke his heart then he did it to me. And that is something that we do together that he did with her? I think that my thoughts are normal in the thinking of all that they did. I mean ok so here are my thoughts that keep running through my head that I need to learn to move on with and please dont be to critical.
1. why would he do it knowing it could destroy us?
2. Would he have had sex? 
3. was he attracted?
4. did he end it cause she denied him?
5. if he wanted her would he have taken her up on her third offer?

those are my continuing thoughts. See I dont see where that plays into all of my pride?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Funny I'll bet your husband is thinking along the same lines.

1. why would (S)he do it knowing it could destroy us?
2. Would (S)he (or did she) have sex?
3. was (S)he attracted?
4. did (S)he end it or did she get into bed with them?
5. if (S)he wanted them to would (S)he have taken them up on their offer?

Isn't it weird how the question are so similar?

Can I ask a question? Why if they had already seen you naked and wanted to screw, would you continue the friendship? You knew they were gunning for you and your husband (or was it OK as long as it was you alone without your husband). So nothing sexual happened at the game? Did you touch either of them at anytime? Answer the question.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Nope nothing happend we played the game and then after the game it was his friends Idea to run around the house so we did and the entire time my hands were covering my top. Then came in I got dressed they got dressed and went to bed. I SLEPT ALONE. then the next day I called and told my husband. And thats where I am confused I broke his heart so he does this? He said that the kiss was soooo awkward well sorry if it was so awkward you wouldnt be rubbing her butt. I just feel that if he were open and honest cause nothing makes sense then we can move past. I just get so angry.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

And you asked "Its like how could you expecially when he told me how I broke his heart then he did it to me. And that is something that we do together that he did with her?"

I can answer this question. Because you trivialized what you did. And you blew it off. Could it be that he got the impression that you weren't sorry. The big question is...........How did he find out about the game? Did you tell him? Or did he find out some other way. When it was out in the open did you come to him with tears begging him to forgive you. Or did you do what you have done here. And totally danced around the issue.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Was there any flirtation between his friend and you that your husband witnessed at any time?


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I told him personally he was out of town and I called him on the phone. And i was bawling. I felt awful and told him repetetly how awful I felt. And me and his friend pretty much act like we hate each other we alway fight and have nothing good really to say about each other. I think that my husband and her flirt more then me and him.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Lets broaden the question out. Has he witnessed you flirting with any other man at anytime? Did you have any history that would lead him to believe that there was a chance you had been unfaithful.

You never elaborated about passing out in the bar. Can you explain the situation?


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Oh ok yes I have flirted with other men and he had mentioned that he would watch me talk and laughing with other men and how differant I was with them and with him. How I was always whatever with him and was all into them and what they had to say not really acknolidging him. And the bar pass out happend about two years into our marriage. I went drinking with some girlfriends for St. Pattys and I think I was drugged it was weird well when he came to pick us up I was in the back of a friends car passed out and he had to pick me up he was so upset that he drank himself drunk the next day crying about it to me.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Well I think you just answered your own question. Of why. Because you don't make him feel special. In fact just the opposite. "How I was always whatever with him and was all into them and what they had to say not really acknowledging him." So you disrespect your husband when there are other guys around. He has no reason to believe you did not have sex with the couple. No wonder he's depressed. I wouldn't blame him for leaving either. 

Hey here's a question if the roles were reversed and he was dissing you in front of other women, and a you put it "all into them" how would you feel.

He started all this because he doesn't think you care. He's not looking to get laid. He was looking for a woman to love him because his wife just isn't all that into him. I can't dissect your whole marriage. But what I have found out reading what you have written is that you are definitely a self centered person. 

It's all about you and what makes you happy. Not once have I read that you are concerned about his feelings. Just that it happened to you. Just the question you ask "would you kiss or have sex in revenge?" Grow up. That's why he wants to leave. YOU ARE A GAME PLAYER. And he is getting sick of it.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I dont even know what to say? Maybe you are right maybe if you really love someone you relate to why and what went wrong on both ends and that you arent so perfect yourself. I think that I am being self centerd in me saying HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? Me, me, me, me. Not once saying how could I do that to you I never sat and thought that what I had done was wrong. Not once did I think that what I did was cheating. And not once did I take his feelings into consideration when hanging out with friends and putting him aside and how I would feel if he did the same to me. I feel awful. I may not understand how that can push someone to cheat. But I will try? to be honest I am suprised he didnt leave me?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

So, if your husband gave other women attention and you felt left out, undesired by HIM, your HUSBAND...and then he broke his vows to love, honor and cherish by playing strip poker with another couple making you feel even more unloved, disrespected as his WIFE...and along comes the same strip poker friend planting a kiss...you would not be tempted? You would not think, maybe this will make me feel a LITTLE better about what he has done in this marriage? No, it was not right, but honestly, read InForTheDuration's last post over and over until you really get it....your last post indicates you might be getting there.

Your marriage has not been a mature relationship up until this point. Your husband sees that and is trying to make it right...it's all in your court now whether you can see it from his end, understand how he must have felt and decide to move forward together by putting some boundaries in place where you don't do things for 'fun' at the expense of your spouse. If you are not ready to do that, you are not ready for marriage.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

I am sorry to hear he left. But to tell you the truth, you have been so obsessed with his every thought and feeling during his indiscretions, I can't imagine him doing anything BUT leave. We have all told you....stop obessesing! Stop beating a dead horse. You made some bad choices, he made some bad choices...put it behind you and start over! Have you even looked into finding a counselor?


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Are marriage had been very immature we were married at 22 years old had our first child at 21 barley and I think that we never were really ready to grow up. Both of us were very selfish. He is trying and he is trying hard he knew he messed up he is trying to make it right. I keep punishing him I dont know that I am doind it half the time though. I think that I just get caught up in the visuals of it and him rubbing her and I kringe of the thought then I get pridful and angry. He is now scared to even touch my butt cause he thinks I will get all crazy in thoughts. I admit I am a mess and I have never been in love and cheated on so my experiance is hard. I guess you picture this perfect marriage of nothing touching it and you see people on the outside having struggle and you think ya we are fighting all the time but he would never cheat. But I think for people to think like that they are stupid to think that your marriage is cheat proof is false cause it can happen all to easily. We are going to counseling and its helping I think our next session this friday. I am going to have him talk just talk not me everytime its all about me. But I just want it on him this time. The friend makes me sick to she is not a friend regardless of her saying she did it to help a friend out or not thats not a friend she started it and he ended it. I hope that this is the last time it will happen and honestly this I have to keep reminding myself is not that bad considering it could have been alot worst.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Initfortheduration said:


> Just the question you ask "would you kiss or have sex in revenge?" Grow up. That's why he wants to leave. YOU ARE A GAME PLAYER. And he is getting sick of it.


As I said in the beginning of this thread, I can understand cheating, but a vengeful person, I would run a mile from. I don't ever want to play or be played. I see marriage as a fortress where two people stick together like glue, and keep all the world's vengeance on the outside. 

Of course there will be squabbles, heated rows, freeze outs and who knows what. But when you actually set out to hurt your spouse, you need to get a grip - fast.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sunflower said:


> So I am a mess today. My husband told me this morning that he is leaving. He says that I am never going to work on bettering this and I just keep going back and asking the same questions over and over and over I am in a way obsessed.
> .
> .
> I think I just ruined my life and lost my husband...


The fact he left shows he is clear headed. Your head is not clear. You need to cut out the drugs and booze. Then your life will improve even if you do nothing else.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ok so I think thats crap really I do. I am supposed to pay for his mistake he can just dismiss me and my feelings? I think that he should have to listen to my thoughts and my emotions of it all. He did this I didnt do this? I guess I am just confused on what you are saying? I dont think that cheating is right I dont think that vengance is right either.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Sunflower. You need to go back and read you last couple of posts. You had made progress but you're back sliding now. Remember you naked, other couple? Remember how you treat your husband when there are other men around "you're just not into your him". Look if you keep forgetting that you're the one that got the ball rolling, just let your husband go and find some who is "that into him".


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sunflower said:


> Ok so I think thats crap really I do. I am supposed to pay for his mistake he can just dismiss me and my feelings?


You appear to want to make him pay for your mistake as well.



sunflower said:


> I think that he should have to listen to my thoughts and my emotions of it all.


Well the fact is he does not. His leaving is proof of that.

If you are taking a lot of booze and drugs, you will not be getting a clear picture of what is going on. It's up to you.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Sunflower, you have frickkin amnesia. No wonder he is separating himself from you. And he is most definitely separating himself from you. He won't touch your butt, communication is you *****ing about/to him. You don't accept responsibility for your own actions. I'll bet you do **** and say **** to him all the time and he just takes it. Because he loves you. Hey when you are talking to the other guys at parties and he tries to get into the conservation, what comes to mind? Why don't you shut up and leave me alone. I'll bet you dismiss him like he's dirt. Do you think your contempt for him shows on your face? I'll bet he sees it. So now he has had it up to here and is pulling away from you. Don't worry about it. You'll do fine on your own. All those guys that you flirt with in front of your husband will be lining up at your door. What a catch.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

so how do I fix this if I really love him and want to stay how do I fix this? and if you were in my situation would you stay? how would you make it better?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sunflower-

If you truly want to get your life on track, you need a clear sober head - or nothing will work right for you. Otherwise you will go round in circles and not even know it.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

we dont drink or do drugs. Well we drink occasionally but NEVER drugs. NEVER.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sunflower said:


> we dont drink or do drugs. Well we drink occasionally but NEVER drugs. NEVER.


OK That's good to hear. but I got a different impression reading the earlier part of your thread. Do you guys go an a binge once in a while?


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

No all we do is drink with friends and stuff we are not like drink everynight at home people just mainly weekends and on the weekend thing thats if we are doing something not hard core drinkers. And I think why I am so broke up and having such a hard time was she was my best friend or so I thought. I think thats why the betrayal is so hard for me.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Would it that your betrayal of your husband was "so hard on you" .
You seem to want to fix this but can't get out of your own way. 

Have you told your husband that this is all the result of what you did and you recognize this. That you got exactly what you deserve and feel blessed that he didn't go further then he did. And that you will ask his forgiveness for starting this whole thing. That you will try to make it up to him for the rest of your lives. And that life without him would be meaningless.

Don't think about what he owes you. He can come up with his own apology. You worry about yours.

If your not ready to say this just let him go.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:iagree:


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

So then you think I am equally as wrong in what I have done to him?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You were wrong first. Don't you think you should be the one to ask for forgiveness first.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I actually think your disrespect for him as your husband (by playing strip poker) and your disrespect for him around others (as you've stated and giving other men attention, etc.) is far worse. The reason being that he must have felt horrible thinking his wife didn't care much about him or his feelings or the marriage.

Anything that happened after that, was likely fallout from the above treatment. Not that it makes it right, but I can understand his motives for wanting to feel attractive to another woman since you didn't seem to be making him feel very attractive. 

I still don't understand your motive in playing strip poker and running around naked with friends...if I were him, I would wonder why this occurred, whether you are mature enough for marriage and honoring vows or if you still want to have fun even at the expense of your husband.

He seems to want to forget all that and really give your marriage a chance to be an honest, strong relationship...even if it means forgiving the past mistakes. 

You just don't seem to be there...you just want him to prove to you that you are the only woman on the planet he has ever been attracted to...he is trying to be open and honest with you, but I don't think you have the maturity to learn from this and move forward. I can see why he is feeling done...I am getting tired just watching you go in circles with this thread.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

:iagree:


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Your right in me moving in circles around everything I have never been in this situation and dont know how to cope and it seems that all the couples that we know havent been throught this and would never do this. I think thats whats hard is talking with friends they act like he is such a dog and that there husbands would never. So... I do love my husband and I do know I was wrong and I am going to try to fix it. I will shove aside my pride and do what is write for my family and try not to care what people we know think.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

That is a great mindset. Swallow your pride and ring in 2009 with your husband. Make it a great year working together to have the marriage you both want. Best wishes to you in 2009.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:smthumbup:

One thing that will help you is really having a close relationship with your husband. Since he has opened up to you, rather than rehashing the details with him (I know it's hard to not think about it) start working on having a good, fun relationship with him...do things alone together where you can both relax, smile and enjoy each other's company. If you feel close to one another, what others think will become less important to you. And more importantly, the closer you become, the less anxious you will feel about the past...when those thoughts surface, you will be able to push them aside much easier if you can think of how great things are today.

As far as friends/family, I would recommend not talking to them about this anymore. They can be coming from different places...either they love and care about you and hate seeing you so upset so they are angry with him -or- others may be coming from a place where it's easy to say 'mine would never do that...i'd dump him' but they haven't been in your shoes and some day they might find themself with the same dilemma ... and hopefully they will be able to come to you for some good advice 

Any way you look at it, they either don't know the full story (they are hearing what he did to make you upset--do they know about the strip poker, etc?) or they choose to ignore your part in this because they want to be supportive of your emotional state. 

It is up to you to decide your marriage is worth getting past these bumps in the road and moving forward together. Say what you need to if family/friends bring it up...'he's really remorseful for what happened and I know he loves me so we are working through this and things are going well between us'...etc. 

And, if you flip-flop in your mind again...just keep reading your last post over and over and over....I made the conscious decision to never throw that back in my husband's face down the road...he needs to know he will not spend the rest of his life paying for this mistake.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

swedish said:


> You just don't seem to be there...you just want him to prove to you that you are the only woman on the planet he has ever been attracted to...he is trying to be open and honest with you, but I don't think you have the maturity to learn from this and move forward. I can see why he is feeling done...I am getting tired just watching you go in circles with this thread.


Not wanting him to be able to get an erection for any other woman except you is crazy talk. And yet when it's the other way around, you seem to get turned on by every man except him. Personally, if it were me, I would let you "cook in your own juices" as my grandmother used to say.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Not wanting him to be able to get an erection for any other woman except you is crazy talk. And yet when it's the other way around, you seem to get turned on by every man except him. Personally, if it were me, I would let you "cook in your own juices" as my grandmother used to say.


I know what you are saying ok I know that its normal for people to think and be attracted to someone else everyone is human and everyone has been there admitting it or not. Marriage is hard and its like you can look but dont touch and he touched. I dont get why everyone who is responding to this thread is turning against me. I know what I did was wrong and I am not perfect and have made mistakes myself. I am just confused why my husband when he could have done that with anyone did it wish my best friend well sorry EX best friend? This is where I am coming to let out all my emotions. I have to say this is the first place I have been to where people are more understanding and have been throught simular situations. and I thank you all for being real with me. This morning I talked to one of my good friends and asked her if she would stay with her husband if he did this to her and she told me no. That was hard to hear I just feel so alone and that all our friends are looking at as horrible like looking at him like he wanted her and it was shot down so he is stuck with me. And looking at me like I am a idiot for staying and that my friends is a hard pill to swollow.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Stop telling friends!!! Vent in here and you won't have to see us face to face and wonder what we think of you, etc....I am not turning against you--I really think your marriage is worth saving, so I may sound harsh, but I really think if you keep going in circles with this, he will leave and your marriage won't make it...

and I'm glad you refer to BF as EX-BF now...she's toxic for your marriage...which should be the #1 relationship you are concerned about.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya there is no way I could continue to be her friend she tried to kiss him again? its funny how she makes it out like oh he grobed me I was so disgusted blah blah ok so if you were soooo disgusted why did you ask him to kiss you agian PLEASE stupid girl. But I am not going around telling friends they know cause when it all came out people were around to tell the story. Trust me if I had it my way knowbody would know just you guys in here. I think thats what is making it worst for me is our friends knowing and dealing with what they think I mean I havent personally herd what they are saying but you put in your head what they are thinking. I know that we have had a hard begining to our marriag really hard and its hard cause I know the man he is and know he wouldnt intentionally cheat on me. Why is it do you think that he cheated with her anyways? Why? wouldnt he know it would come back?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sunflower said:


> This morning I talked to one of my good friends and asked her if she would stay with her husband if he did this to her and she told me no.


And you told her the whole story? Or just the things that your husband did, so that you were not cast in a bad light?


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

swedish said:


> Stop telling friends!!! Vent in here and you won't have to see us face to face and wonder what we think of you, etc....I am not turning against you--I really think your marriage is worth saving, so I may sound harsh, but I really think if you keep going in circles with this, he will leave and your marriage won't make it...
> 
> and I'm glad you refer to BF as EX-BF now...she's toxic for your marriage...which should be the #1 relationship you are concerned about.


:iagree: It is very hard for close friends to see both sides of the story. They are loyal to you so of course they want to see the least amount of hurt for you. They don't take everything else into consideration.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya its really nice talking to people who have been in my spot. That can relate and knowing that people can forgive and move on. I am 26 years old have 2 girls 5 and 3 and I am just figuring out what life is. How stupid and childish we were with each others hearts and emotions. How caught up we got in BS NOW we have to move through the pain. I thought about leaving and this morning it was so sad my 3 year old woke up bawling for her dad so distraught that her father was gone. Then I thought OMG I couldnt leave every morning have my kids wake up without there father? I am deeply hurt by this because I am betrayed. But men cheat for a reason I dont think that most men cheat without a reason. She knew we were vunruable and she jumped on that.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sunflower said:


> But men cheat for a reason I dont think that most men cheat without a reason. She knew we were vunruable and she jumped on that.


Come on... what about the reasons *you *gave him, and *your *cheating. Do you ever think about things from other people's point of view?

Do you ever think about things from *his *point of view?


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I do and I am understanding his point on things! I just emailed her this is what she wrote me.

"I am sorry, but I won’t bear the weight of “breaking up” your marriage. You are the only person in your life that gets to have a say in how it turns out. If you choose to leave and not work things out between the two of you then that is your choice. I have apologized for what I did and will always be sorry for that, but you are making it into something so much more than it was and blowing the whole thing out of proportion. I am not quite sure why you chose today to decide that I ruined your marriage. I guess because Joey gave you more information. I told you all of that on Halloween so I am confused as to how the fact that your husband groped me, lied to you, and kept things from you again, turns out today, to be my fault? Regardless I am not going to go below the belt and list a bunch of personal attacks on you. I gave you an opportunity almost 3 months ago to use me as your scapegoat and hate me and you chose to drag it all out for the last 2 ½ months instead. I think you need to figure out the real reasons that you are not happy and that you keep choosing not to move on and enjoy your life, family, kids, husband, etc; all the things you have been telling me are number one to you. If they are, why are you making it so difficult? There are so many more important things happening in this world and life is about so much more. I hope you figure that out someday. I really do wish you guys the best and hope you can be strong and figure out what you need for you to be happy so that all the people around you can quit suffering in your misery with you."


Then this is what I wrote her.

Why don't you go below the belt and hurt me? people know alot of people know and people you didn't want to know. you are mad about that I am sure you should hate me right? Why don't you go off and me and tell me what you think about everything and tell me how you feel about me and Joey? If I am blowing this out of proportion and people do know about it why then aren't you saying whatever about it all like whatever you don't get it? That's why I am so mad is you keep saying it was nothing but if it was nothing why do you care that people know?

This was just one of our many arguments she was mad at me because people are finding out about it all. I just dont get her she acts like it was all nothing how can someone be so cold what a B*&^%


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Sunflower, You need to go N/C with these people. That means no contact whatsoever. Let me tell you what will happen now. You will rage at her and she will rage at you. Then when your husband gets home you will start the **** with him again, because your angry with her. You know you will. CUT THE **** OUT! You can't keep doing this to him. If he hasn't walked he will. Did you take my advice on the apology (or something like it)?


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya but honestly how can you not come back at that email in anger? She is seriously the most vein person I know how can you say that when you are the one who hurt that person? she is something short missing something in emotions I dont get it? yes I am mad she made a threat to me please dont threatin me if she wants to hurt me worst then she already has then she better do it and get it all over with screw her seriously.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

And yes I did go home and apoligize to him about what I had done. we talked and it was a good talk! I think that I am mad at her to and I do take it out on him cause I dont talk to her anymore.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sunflower-

Her email sounds very balanced considering... and she did not know it would be appearing on this site, so it's not like she is trying to sound cool. 

Why don't you just let yourself of the hook. Here's the truth about what really happened. You and Joey discovered you had hidden depths you did not know about. Get over it. It's no big deal. He can, now it's your turn.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Ok so your mad at her. You apologized to him and had a wonderful talk with your husband. And you're going to let her back into your marriage again by bringing it up to your husband or treat him badly.. You better get a handle on it . why go backwards?


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I know I just want her to know how mad I am seriously it bothers the S&%# out of me that she doesnt really care and acts like it was nothing what is wrong with that? I text her after the email and said sorry about my email let me re write that. I talked to people about it maybe I shouldnt have but I was hurt and you should understand that. I feel bad that you came out and said you could hurt me more but werent going to it confused me in the situation you tell me its all out yet you could hurt me more? I think that the hurt is deep enouph dont you? I wont contact you anymore I can tell you are dont talking to me. AND thats all she wrote. I am done with it all.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Good. Now go hug your husband and tell him how much you love him.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hello. All this calling her back and forth, "discussing with her" asking her if she has feelings for him, and her asking him if he has feelings for her. And the two of them discussing their feelings for each other and their respective spouses (you). Of course he has feelings for her. From what you have described , it's not like she's some girl her barely knew, that he kissed at a bar while drunk or something. This is clearly someone he has some sort of feelings for, or else he wouldn't keep bringing it up to you. Now, do you cheat to get back? No, I wouldn't, that is childish, and you wouldn't be any better than he is if you did that. It does sound to me like you're looking for an excuse to have sex with someone else. If you really feel that way, perhaps you don't need to be married. At any rate, you should sit down and have a very serious conversation with your husband about what he did, and about what you're thinking of doing. Sounds to me like neither one of you is very trustworthy. You have to communicate, and figure out how you're going to work through this. Cheating to get back at him, can get you a lot more than you bargained for. Pregnant, and STD like HIV, or playing the part of homewrecker for the person that they might be involved with. That is very 6th grade. Adult women and men dont' do that kind of thing. Talk to him about it, and seek counseling. That is the best I can offer as far as advice goes. I would be hurt by what he did too. But it's something that won't be made better by you sinking to his level. It will only complicate matters further, and make the situation even that much harder to deal with. Good luck....


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Your right of course they know each other and have feelings as friends and nothing more. I dont think that my husband has feelings for her I know that now it took me awhile to get but I get that now. I know that they would kill each other within the first 10 minutes of being with each other. It wasnt like that. I think he was confused in our marriage. everyone gets that way sometimes and she came in whe we were at our weekness. So I dont think that he wanted to run off with her in the sunset thats not what that was about. She did text me back last night. this is what she said. 

"I dont understand being vendictive and childish is not how I handle things or treat people. do what you want to make yourself feel better I can handle my consequences I hope you can be able to deal with yours. You are not going to get a rise out of me so just quit sending me anything. once again you have taken things out of context because thats not what I was saying in my email. Glad you stewed over it for a week though". 


Ya so I am not sure what she is saying my consequences are? for telling people? Whatever???


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

marina72 said:


> Hello. All this calling her back and forth, "discussing with her" asking her if she has feelings for him, and her asking him if he has feelings for her. And the two of them discussing their feelings for each other and their respective spouses (you). Of course he has feelings for her. From what you have described
> 
> The only time that they talked "feelings" was that night in the garage and he was only trying to get her to kiss him and I believe him because he didnt care what she had to say she told him she didnt have feelings 3 times and he didnt care thats not what it was about.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

New years was good I didnt really think much of last year or his actions. I feel like things are getting better. The one thing I am confused about is the night that he kissed her and rubbed her butt is why did he have sex with me that night? is that normal?


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

It's a New Year...a fresh start. You stated in your other post that you and your husband are having some good talks. DON'T GO BACKWARDS! Why are you still stuck? Why do you keep dredging this up? Don't go there!! And please don't bring it up to him...don't ask him this.

Are you two still seperated? Did he leave? 

If you are communicating well, let the past be the past. Learn from your mistakes. You said in your other post he is opening up to you and sharing feelings he hasn't shared before.....don't mess this up by obsessing again.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I know its so hard how do you stop obssesing on things its so hard to look back at everything and think why did you do this what about this and this. You know what I mean? I know we are moving forward and I guess thats why I write alot of my obsessing feelings in here so he doesnt get the brunt of it.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Don't look back anymore. Focus Forward. Sit down with him and talk about goals the two of you have for your marriage and your family and start taking steps to achieve those goals. Think about what is ahead of you, not what is behind you. When you start thinking about yesterday retrain your thoughts....start thinking instead about the goals you talked about and what actions YOU need to take to make those goals a reality. Wake up every morning and make the CHOICE to look forward.

And like you said....if you start obsessing, bring it here, not to him. We can get you to look at your future instead.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I know! its so hard I used to be such a up beat happy go lucky person always positive and this had seriously brought me down. It sucks when you are a child and young you think that love is supposed to be like the movies and this fairy tail. Then you get married and reality hit you. Love isnt a fairy tail people make mistakes your heart gets broke and you have to rebuild again. Why is it that so many people leave so quick I wonder what the statistics of married couples that cheat and how many stay together?


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

and what do I do about her I feel so much anger towards her and when I feel anger towards her and her whatever attitude that she had it makes me even more mad at him. Like how could you with such a B*%# like that how could he?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Sunflower, When you have those thoughts. You have to turn right around and ask yourself how you could get naked with her and her husband.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Sunflower, hope you are doing well with the new year. It's a fresh start. 

I would give you one huge piece of advice.... Don't talk to this girl anymore! Don't allow her to text you, don't email her, call her, talk to her at all.... block her from all contact with you. Just put her out of your life for good. And move on with your husband. Now, if you find that you and your husband can't work it out, then you may have to go your separate ways. But don't let it be because of some bimbo that only wants to continue to say hurtful things to you and be mean and not accept responsibility for her part in the distance between you and your husband. 

The fact is, he cheated on you. Don't get me wrong! I am not saying he slept with her, but there are many different types of cheating. Emotional, physical, kissing, lusting after somenoe other than your spouse. So, having said that, it is something that you and your husband will have to work through emotionally. You have Every right to be upset about what he did. And you have the right to be upset at the other girl too, but she is not the one you are married to, and you don't ever have to talk to her again. So put her out of your mind, and life, and as long as your husband is not speaking to her, you shouldn't be either. If she contacts you, I would refuse to speak to her. She will only cause you more pain. The one thing I have noticed, is that most of your posts, are about Her, not your relationship with your husband. Why is that? Your concern should not be whether or not she is sorry for what she did, or to see that you get revenge on her. Your only concern should be your marrige. You have discussed it with her, and you're probably not going to ever get her to admit she played a part in your marriage having a problem, so you need to let that part go. focus on your husband, and your marriage. Dismiss this other girl, she doesn't deserve all the attention you are giving her.... kick her to the curb and worry about your man and your marriage. Happy New Year!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

marina72 said:


> The one thing I have noticed, is that most of your posts, are about Her, not your relationship with your husband. Why is that?


:iagree:


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

You think that most of my posts are about her? Well I think that because we were so close I mean she was like a sister to me? I am really hurt by her then her acting like it was no big deal is a even bigger blow. I am dismissing her out of my life its really hard we all have mutual friends so come this summer I am sure they will be around sometime. I will handle it. Last night was hard I woke up in the middle of the night thinking what if they had sex? They were up in our room with the door locked drunk and I think thats when they started to talk about it all then I came up so they went right down stairs to finish the conversation and thats when they kissed. She said that she doesnt remember the room. but from the conversation of what happend in the garage I dont think that anything happend in that room. ughh he makes me lose my mind


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

I totally understand why you are so hurt, not just by your husband, but by a friend that you thought was a very good friend. You have every right to be upset, angry, hurt, furious, enraged, devestated, and anything else you might be feeling. But, the thing is, she sounds like a real loser, she doesn't seem to care that you are hurt in all this. And she isn't ever going to admit responsibility for her part in causing an issue with you and your husband. But the reality is, he is the one you have to live with, love, and make love to, not her. I don't think she deserves you as a friend, so she is getting what she deserves by not having you in her life. I would not speak to her. And if you find you can't avoid being in situations where she is there because of mutual friends, then you will either have to leave, and tell your hubby you're uncomfortable (he should accept this, and do his best to make you comfortable considering he is the one who had a hand in making this so awkward) or you will have to just ignore her and try to remain as civil as possible. If you can, avoid parties and places that you know she will be present for. 

As far as the sex thing goes. You'll just have to decide whether you want to believe him or not. I doubt he had sex with her, he has come clean about everything else. And if he's lying to you, then he is the one who will have to live with the guilt eating away at his heart and mind, not you. Don't think any more about what might have, or what did, or what you think happened that night. You can't prove or disprove anything, because the only two stories you're getting are from the two who instigated it. You weren't there, and if your hubby is going to lie to you, then you really can't do anything to stop it. But... I think he is probably telling you the truth, and you have to try to give him the benefit of the doubt. If he says he loves you, wants only you, isn't attracted to her, and doesn't feel anything for her past a lust that came up because he was really drunk, then believe him. Alchohol can lead people to do Really really stupid things. And I think it might have been a mistake that he truly regrets. Just keep talking to him, tell him you're insecurities, tell him you need his love and reassurance, and Forget about this stupid girl! She is a loser for willingly being alone and in a compromising position with someone else's husband. She's not worth your time. Try to heal, it's hard, but time will allow you to heal, and you can move on with your husband and kids. If you have to,,,, try moving away! Stranger things have happened. And it's not something that is out of the question. But it sounds like this girl knows she's really messed up, and won't try it again.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya true! thank you very much you are very helpful I know she is a loser and everyday I hate her more when I think about it all. She doesnt deserve me as a friend! And I am doing better day after day focusing on my husband and my family its been really nice! we are actually more into each other then we were before all this happend. Its weird how that comes about. But I am fortunate that he ended it with her and he pulled his head out. I hope that he never speaks with her husband again cause of his intentions with me.. I think that this whole situation was one hot mess and I am glad to be out of it! I know she will get hers I am a total believer in Karma! Things are better though and that you for your comment Marina!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

sunflower said:


> And I am doing better day after day focusing on my husband and my family its been really nice! we are actually more into each other then we were before all this happend. Its weird how that comes about.


That is GREAT to hear, sunflower


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sunflower-

Nice result


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Thanks guys!


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

I'm so happy to hear you and the H are doing so well. This is what happens when you get toxic and inappropriate people out of your life and start making smart decisions. Keep moving forward, you're doing great. Don't look back for her, she was never a true friend. Keep her out of your life and stay focused on your H and beautiful girls. If you start to get stirred up again, come here first to vent. Don't contact her and don't obsess with H. You're doing great!!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:iagree:


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Great to hear Sunflower! I am glad you're doing well with hubby. Just keep on pluggin away, and you will get to a place where all this is a very distant memory. Love, laugh, treasure.... those you love!


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I know Today is a bad day I wonder if the weather had a play in how you feel? That and last night I was looking through pics and seen one where we were all posing in a friends group picture and my husband was close to her and I was in the background. Made me feel like ****. I dont know bad Day!


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You were probably in the back ground of the picture flirting with some guy. LOL. just kidding. Cheer up.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

haha I know! I guess after that happend I want him to hate her guts and completly avoid them and him be rude to her and treat her like the hooker she is!


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

So I just text my husband and asked if he had sex with her. Well I am trying to make it sound like she said that they did to see what I can get out of him and I think that I just made him mad he said no way not even close. I claimed she made it sound that way and he said well I didnt think what you want. WHY ARE MEN LIKE THIS. doesnt he get that this will just make me feel worst about it.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

sunflower said:


> so i just text my husband and asked if he had sex with her. Well i am trying to make it sound like she said that they did to see what i can get out of him and i think that i just made him mad he said no way not even close. I claimed she made it sound that way and he said well i didnt think what you want. Why are men like this. Doesnt he get that this will just make me feel worst about it.


what the hell are you doing? Do you actually think before saying this stuff. Or does this stuff come out of you like gumballs?


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

WHAT ARE YOU DOING????

I thought you were going to come here before you went and did something like that??

He's told you time and again he didn't have sex with her. Why aren't you believing him the first hundred times he has said it? Why are you playing games, trying to make it sound like such and such or so and so? YOU HAVE ASKED HIM, HE HAS ANSWERED YOU.

You're playing with fire again.

And what do you mean by saying..."doesn't he get that this will just make me feel worse about it"?? Don't you think that by asking him the same thing over and over again makes him feel like sh*t? Like you don't trust him? Like you're not even trying to trust him? Like you're not getting over anything? Like YOU take NO responsibility in what drove your marriage into the ditch? Like everytime you guys take a step forward YOU send your relationship FLYING backwards?

What are you doing? You are going to sabotage your entire marriage.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Sunflower, it sounds like you are backsliding again. Stop worrying so much about this stupid girl! You are giving her wayyy too much attention, in terms of how much you think of her, and what she did or didn't do with your husband. Why did you bring this up to him again? It's like you can't let it go , and move on. If you don't believe him, and will never trust him again, then you'll have to move on, and maybe leave him. But if you want to stay married, then you have to stop bringing this up every time you turn around. 

If he is still talking to her, or seeing her, or you suspect that he is involved with her currently, then you need to ask him, and work it out. But if not, and you know he has cut her off, but are just dwelling on the past , meaning, the incident with the kiss a while back, then you're playing with fire for sure. He will only start to resent you, and maybe turn to her, or someone else for comfort. I am not saying you shouldn't be upset still! Don't get me wrong, but you are going about this all wrong. If you need to express your insecurities to him, then don't text him some rude, inappropriate comments, talk to him and tell him you're insecure, and feel like you can't trust him, and that you want and need help rebuilding your relationship. 

I wonder if there is something more going on here, that you're not telling us. Is he still seeing her? Are you seeing someone? Just asking because it seems like you actually Like this kind of drama. Perhaps you crave all the drama, and don't want to let it go, because you are the type who thrives on tragedy and a crisis? I am not trying to be mean, just trying to help you see past this, and move on. You seem determined to live in the past. If you need to bring this subject up to him, and can't stop yourself, then at least do it in a way, that is non-confrontational, loving, and makes him see that you love him, and only want your marriage to work. He'll only end up hating you if you continue to play mind games with him. Please try and not dwell on this one night that your hubby did something stupid, it was a mistake, and it needs to be let go. He is still with you right? He must love you. Don't drive him away.... Take care.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I know what you are thinking and its not like that we had our marriage counsling last night and we brought up the fact that He lied again. Cause when it all came out I asked him every detail of it of course. I asked where his hands were when they kissed he said I dont know told me just by his side. So just what a few weeks ago I finally got the truth out that he was rubbing her butt while they were kissing. Well of course we took a giant leap back cause I found out he lied again. He says well I didnt even remember until you said something then I was like Sh*t I cant tell her now she will for sure leave me. So he held it in for his selfish reasonings and didnt tell. So of course it has me racing like what the hell else will he not tell me? Whe I talked to the husband of the ex best friend he says " They could have had drunkin sex and I wouldnt care" so then my mind starts racing like huh did they? when they first went to talk they went in our room and the door was locked? Maybe? But then if they did he wouldnt need to convince her to kiss him down in the garage. ughhh I am losing my mind.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

I know this must be messing with your mind, not knowing for sure what really happened. And I know Sunflower, that it can be very difficult to let something like this move to the past, especially if it hasn't been that long. But do remember, that you can't stop him from lying to you, and just because he lied about having his hands on her butt, does not necessarily mean he's lying about the sex thing. Maybe he really didn't have sex with her. What if that is the truth, and you keep bringing it up, and telling him you don't believe him and he just gets really sick of it? Or, what if he did have sex with her? What would you do if you found out? Ask yourself this,,, Would you still want to try to work it out, even if you found out that they did have sex? If the answer is yes, that you would still want to try and make it work, then it doesn't matter whether he did or didn't. If the answer is no, and you wouldn't want to make it work if you found out he had sex with her, then what can you do anyway? You can't know for sure, so you either have to leave , never knowing whether he did, or didn't have sex with her, but leave because you can't trust him or believe him. Or.... you have to just have faith in him, and believe him, and move on with your married life together. Men do lie, and so do women, people lie, to protect themselves, or the ones they love. What would you do, if you found out for instance, that he did have sex with this girl, in a moment of sheer stupidity and drunkeness and regrets it deeply, and is lying to you about the sex thing to protect your heart, and to not lose the woman he loves, who is You. What if he is so afraid of losing you, that he won't tell you he had sex with her, because he knows you'll leave, or never love him the same way again, and he lies because he doesn't want this other girl, and it's just a mistake that he wants to put behind him? If he is indeed lying, and he had sex with her... maybe he's doing it because he doesn't want to lose you? Look, if you suspect, or find out, that he is still talking to this girl, or wants to be with her, or is running around behind your back with her, then by all means, you need to either leave, or make him work through it. But, as for holding to this notion that they might have, or might not have had sex, you'll never know. He has given you an answer, and it's almost liek it's not the answer you wanted. It's almost as if you are going to keep asking till you pressure him into saying he had sex with her, whether he truly did or not. It's like you want his answer to be yes. Is there a reason for that? Maybe you, in your heart, want out of the marriage, but want it to be his fault by cheating? I am just throwing out suggestions, don't get upset please! But your insistence with this one night, being described to you over and over again, is obsessive. You either want to move on with him, or you don't. So, unless you think he's still with her, or cheating on you..... let it go, and love him like you want him to love you. Please think on this. It will only destroy what you have left with him, if you keep on this path.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I understand I am being obsessive and I think that I want to know cause I dont want to be hurt again I dont want to find out down the road it was something. And be crushed again. I want to know it all now no suprises anymore you know. Its so hard already. I get so pissed when I look back on our phone records to her calling him or him calling her it pisses me off. they had a half hour phone conversation? Why? this was AFTER he said it was all a mistake? They had no business calling each other none. I dont know I think that I am so crushed and I dont know what to do believe say anymore? Do I think that they had sex? I dont think so I think that it all would have came to a head.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Keep picking that scab and your marriage will get gang green. I don't know what else to say. Or how to make you look at the big picture. I guess you have to do, what you have to do.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I am understanding that its like slow death what I am doing I am learnging to hang my pride and learning what feelings are what wow I tell you what that is HARD. To shove all the hurt anger and sadness aside.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I'm not sure shoving the hurt, anger and sadness aside is a good idea. If you bury it, you will not have worked through it and you will most likely keep bringing it back up months/years down the road...that is a recipe for disaster!

For me, working through these types of feelings (not ignoring them) was when I'd have these thoughts, think about what MY role was in our marriage at the time and take steps to re-focus on my marriage and husband in a positive way. We are much closer now and I would never think of throwing the past back in his face, even if I'm upset about something.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

There is a certain type of person that is addicted to chaos, and they often live their life by text messages. Text messages are extra good at creating chaos due to the fact that they are so short and easy to misunderstand.

If you want everything to blow up in your face, just carry on texting.



C U la8ter...


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I dont know do you guys believe in Karma? I think that I am having a really hard time with this cause well she doesnt give a Sh*t less? I dont get that? how can someone be that cold? it hurts that we had something so rare then she threw that all away? I am not worried about me and my husband we are on the path to getting better between us. But eww I want to punch her in her face I want revenge so bad. You know what else hurts me is the night I found out my husband drunk and of course being tough man nothing can bring me down. In front of her told me that he will always have his girls if I divorce him blah blah blah acting so cold and whatever about it? RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER. these are the feelings that hurt me ok its not the drama I dont WANT DRAMA it all the things that have happend and how it happend and what was said.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

But, again, during that time he was dealing with the fallout of the strip poker and how he was likely feeling at the time. I don't know if he's ever talked to you about how that made him feel. This was likely his way of working through what you had done within your marriage prior to all of that happening. The point is, the past had some bad $^it on both sides and if you are on the path to getting better, say the course and leave the past in the past where the two of you are concerned. Keeping it in the present is toxic for your marriage.

As far as the woman goes, she obviously is very open when it comes to sex, getting naked with friends, or whatever else so she is on a totally different page than you are. She doesn't at all get how you feel, because to her it's no big deal. Take that as a lesson learned that you will be better off having close friends who are more like-minded and agree with your morals and beliefs.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya you are right! ughh I hate to say that. because I know I have tons of pride issues but you are right. the past is the past and I need to learn to keep it there and when I feel low to just think of what it was all really about. I would love to move you know I would love to get out of this state and start a new life with my family. Then I dont have to have stress and anxiety about this summer coming and seeing them camping and BBQ's all that jazz. You guys are all lucky in a sense that whom ever you were cheated on with was not someone you know personaly or were close to!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I know what you mean....my husband's office Christmas Party is more than enough for me, but even then he is with me and by my side being loving and sweet so that's all that's important to me in the end.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I agree. I think that if he was all about me in front of them it would be a new story. But seriously I was like wow you are a A$$ that night when they told me. But then I have to remember he isnt a talker and he always was very pride filled and has a hard time opening up to emotions so I think that was his problem I hope! I love him so much and I am working to better this everday I really do get better! I still want to run her over with my car though lol


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Sunflower -- you're doing fine, great, even. 

Every time the thought of "her" enters your mind...just think of purple elephants. 

You NEED to distract yourself from "those" thoughts. 

Concentrate on your marriage, forget her, distract yourself from her in any way you can. 

Think of her as THE purple elephant (i.e. a huge fat animal!) -- how does that set in your mind?  IOW, she's not worth the thought it takes to think about her.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

dcrim said:


> IOW, she's not worth the thought it takes to think about her.


Well put...not to mention the hurt, anger, stress and whatever else comes along with these thoughts.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I know its so hard Swedish did you ever question if he had sex or did you just leave it at that? what did you do with the thought of that?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I asked in the beginning and he was open about telling me how he felt at the time and that he's pretty sure it would have led to that if it continued. Because he was honest about everything else (and yes, at that point I verified phone records, credit card bills) and it matched what he said. 

It probably took 6 months or so for me to stop having these types of thoughts (that maybe I didn't know the whole story) At some point early on I did the same thing that someone above suggested...I thought, even if he did have sex with her I would still want to continue to re-build our marriage and what we have today...that helped me to stop worrying about the what-if's ... coupled with how loving and remorseful he was.

The closer we become the easier it is to look back and realize as hard as it was for him to do, he really did open up to me when I needed him to so now I don't have any reason to question anything he did/said at that time.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I just feel that he has already lied once during all this coming out. He says that he didnt want to tell me after he rememeberd cause he thinks I would have left him. So if he did have sex he for sure wont tell me cause he even said himself that if you do that its something that you cant return from it would be unforgettable and over. So I just think that maybe I am confusing my knotted feelings in my stomach and my chest with stuff I am thinking up on my own.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

well last night was a VERY VERY BAD NIGHT. I got so mad at him because I am reading this book and it talkes about getting over betrayel and forgiving people. Well one of the steps in forgiving after something like this happends is to learn why it happend to fix it and it never happen again. Well he knows why he kissed her. But he tells me he doesnt know why he was grabbing her a$$ during the kiss? he says its not sexual how to I believe that? I was so torn to threads last night I couldnt sleep at all and I had that burning in my back and up the back of my neck and chest. NO its not heart burn. I swear I am going to have a break down. I just done get how a man that you give everything to can do that to you?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Nor how a wife can play strip poker and flirt shamelessly with men while she knows her husband is watching her, convincing him that she is "just not that into him" . Its a mystery, go figure.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

thats the thing though I really dont think that me playing strip poker even compairs to what he has done at all. I think that what he did is by far worst then what I did. I just dont get when he was so hurt why the hell he would go and do something like that? seriously to go from crying the first time she kissed him to him coming on to her. WTF? I never came on to any of him friends ever. and last night he was so cold to me he slept on the sofa didnt want to sleep or talk to me at all just didnt want to hear it.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Congratulations sunflower, you have managed to completely undo all the progress you have made, and reverted back to where you were a month ago. Keep up the good work.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I KNOW geez why the hell do I keep going backwords why cant I just be normal and move on with this? why am I this butt hurt over this? I am losing my F(*&@#^ mind why do I do this to myself?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

sunflower said:


> well last night was a VERY VERY BAD NIGHT. I got so mad at him because I am reading this book and it talkes about getting over betrayel and forgiving people. Well one of the steps in forgiving after something like this happends is to learn why it happend to fix it and it never happen again. Well he knows why he kissed her. But he tells me he doesnt know why he was grabbing her a$$ during the kiss?


I think you are missing the point of the book. It is not to determine the reason for every detail of what he did at that moment but to determine the state of your marriage at the time it happened and take some ownership in that (ie strip poker)...if you can see where things were 'off' (the two of you not feeling close/connected) you can take steps to change that...if alcohol was involved, you can put boundaries in place regarding that...that is what will give you the feeling you can take actions that will likely prevent this in the future, see your own fault in the situation (ie strip poker) and have a better feeling about him, your marriage, forgiveness.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ok so the step to forgiving is learning where you were in that frame? I know I am driving him crazy cause I am driving myself there to. I just feel like he should have a explanation for his actions. Well and he does the kiss thing I get how the story laid I get why he kissed her then him telling me about the butt rubbing during the kiss made me think everything that I just came to terms with had all fallen out the window. I guess I am asking if you think that he was attracted or that he could have done that subcontiously like in reflex or habbit? I guess I cant and wont know every single little detail I just need help to move forward and not look back. I guess I feel that if I knew why I would understand. 

You know what else sucks is seeing or being around these cute couples who are married who are happy and havent been in are situation it sucks to think that we are that couple and he cheated and I did what I did I just feel like losers.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Well, you know my story and I cannot tell you how many times people ask my husband and I how long we've been married...they assume we are newlyweds because we seem so happy...don't force yourself into the 'loser' box when you could be in the 'happily married' box...you don't know by looking at a happy couple, what all they've dealt with in their past...you have an opportunity to make your marriage stronger and be that couple if you can let this go and get past it.

For me, forgiving was looking at where our marriage was (we were both at fault for it being disconnected) coupled with realizing he is human and made a mistake. Since that time, he has made sure I know he is remorseful and has really shown his love for me. 

I know in my heart I would be making a poor decision to push him away and hold a grudge. If I did, it would likely be because I am insecure, not because of anything he is doing or saying. I would be shooting myself in the foot to go that route when by forgiving and moving forward I am now in a strong, happy marriage.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I know in my heart I would be making a poor decision to push him away and hold a grudge. If I did, it would likely be because I am insecure, not because of anything he is doing or saying. I would be shooting myself in the foot to go that route when by forgiving and moving forward I am now in a strong, happy marriage.[/QUOTE]

I never looked at it like that OMG I am so beyond insecure with myself. I am I think that by this happening I have lost alot of self esteem. Cause you figure when you hear a story like my story people assume oh he wanted the friend not her ya I think that you are right I am dealing with my own emotions.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I think the title of your post 'would you kiss or have sex in revenge?' would really only be to prove to yourself that you are desireable. It would be disasterous for your marriage. 

Your best move right now will be to realize you are desireable by your husband. He wants to be with you (if you stop pushing him away) & if there are things that will make you feel better, new haricut, getting your nails done, working out, whatever, do those things to get your confidence back where it should be.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya thats a good idea Maybe I need to start doing things to get myself back. I never thought this would happen to me ughh MEN. Well I guess I got what I deserved playing the game and acting like a idiot. Maybe he was the one that felt undesirable to me I just hate that he wont admit it you know just admit it why is it always oh I did it cause our marriage. sorry I am venting again ughh..


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

So I went in to the marriage therapist last night he had me and my husband go in and talk seperate this time and he told me that he wants me to call a shrink asap he thinks that I may have a anxiety disorder. I am pretty sad to hear this I am scared at the thought of being on medication forever. BUT I do want all these feelings to resolve and me to move on!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

anxiety doesn't necessarily mean medication. I had it pretty bad back then (full panic attacks) but they subsided on their own. If you are leary about meds, tell them that and see if there are things you can try before going that route. For me, it was just a matter of time, talking through what I was feeling with a counselor and gaining my peace of mind back.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I know I am going to talk to a doctor today! I cant wait cause I have way to much and I think that I am going to have a attack. I just need my life back in order I do. I hate doing this to my family. and I cant stand it myself.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Why the hell is it that when you ask questions on the things that they have done wrong they throw things back into your face? I am so mad today. I asked him why the hell he would kiss her again if he didnt have feelings and he just gets frustrated when I ask. If your going to do something you have to be prepaired and not expect this to come of it. RIGHT. So anyways all he can say is that it was nothing that the first time had nothing to do with the second other then he knew he could do it cause the first that he was doing it to see on his terms. DOES this make any sense to you men would you seriously do something like this?


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Makes no sense to me that you're still asking him the same question.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ughh I know I am still asking the same question why cant I be satisfied with what he is giving me?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Sunflower your OCD is showing.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I know I am ocd i really think that I am ocd with my thoughts it actually very annoying. But I still am very mad and want to beat some faces. Seriously I know you all think that I am crazy but I am really sad about this regardless of what I have done he should have never done that EVER. I love him so much why cant I move forward?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I guess you will stop when he leaves you. Or when you leave him. Sad, but even going to MC you still choose to cling to it. Forgiveness is a choice. You have just chosen not to.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ok so how do you forgive someone when you just dont believe there story? He tells me one thing but seriously I dont see how what he is telling me makes any sense.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Simple. Both of you take polygraph tests. It will cost but its a way to start fresh. That means both of you sunflower. You have been no angel through this. And in truth, I would probably believe your husband before you . "Me thinks you doth protest to much"


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

"Me thinks you doth protest to much" 


WHAT?????


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

It's William Shakespeare. It means the more you complain about someone the more likely you are the guilty party.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

The only time I have ever cheated was on my ex boyfriend in high school. Well I did go and see him once and laid in his lap when I was in the beg. of the relationship with my husband but thats not cheating? then the poker game of course I knew it was wrong. but thats not cheating?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Her husband got to see you naked. Your husband did not see her naked. If my wife got naked in front of another man (except her doctor) I would definitely consider that cheating. You just lower the bar so that you can feel outraged by what your husband did. You're the flirt. You're the one that started this whole damn thing.
Damn, I gotta stop posting to you. It's useless..


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

:iagree: I don't know why you get to be the one to qualify who's action was worse than the others. I would be just as upset if my H were getting naked with people other than me and his doctor, as I would be with him kissing another woman. I actually find they're pretty equal. I don't think you get to wear the victim hat any more than he does. Only difference is you keep choosing to wear your hat every day....seems like he doesn't wear his so much.

Move on!

I said it in the beginning and I'll say it again...I feel like I keep banging my head against a brick wall!
:banghead:


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

wow you guys are pretty harsh. I dont think that I am wearing the "Victom Hat" I am just very confused. AND I wouldnt say that the two of our situations are equal I think that what he did was worst. Do I think that it would have happend if I didnt do what I did no. I think that you are right initfortheduration I think that it was my fault that this all happend. He was so smashed the first time I dont think that he really responded and that was a cheat on his end. BUT the second time yes he is the one that initiated it all. And I am sorry but you dont kiss someone to figure out life and in that rub there ass does that make sense to you? THATS ALL I AM SAYING..


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## Shameless (Jan 31, 2009)

Revenge will not only hurt him, it will hurt you too.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I know that I couldnt I thought about it and when I got up to actually do it or visualize it I just couldnt I am not that person. I hate being to nice all the time sometimes I wish I could be a B!%$#


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## shscaptain1234 (Feb 3, 2009)

Sunflower...I understand where you're coming from. (however, I have to admit, I didn't go through all 5 pages..I browsed)

I just found out my husband was cheating on me and the first thing I did was go out with some girlfriends with the thought in the back of my head of finding a guy to take home. I didn't do it though and even though my head says that isn't going to change things. My heart wants him to hurt as bad as I do.

I will probably let me head win this one.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I here ya! I think thats normal when people get hurt they want to hurt the person that hurt them. But I am the same way when it came down to it I couldnt do it. I am not that person.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

As men in here will you tell me the truth do you think that he is filling me full of BS I mean do you think that what he did is true?


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

For me sex has to involve love so the answer is no. Although I thought about it, and yeah strictly to hurt him. In fact I even told him that I thought about doing it the minute I found out about his affair. I could have too, there was a very attractive guy who was showing me a lot of attention I just needed to call. I didn't. In some ways my H said that would have been easier because he would feel punished but to me it would only complicate things worse. In the end I realized I would not be proud of me and that is what mattered most. I also lied to the other guy when I didn't tell him I was married. He really seemed to like me, so did he deserve to be hurt? Maybe he was in it for sex too but if not then I would have hurt someone else.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I know it I am just not that person sometimes I wish I could think cold like that but I still love him and couldnt hurt him that way. I would hate to break his heart again.


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## onlylonelyone (Jan 26, 2009)

This is a simple thing to decide for myself. I wouldn't put myself in the same category as a spouse that broke his/her vows or kissed another. His actions don't reflect me. I would pride myself on not getting even. Let him live with what he did. It would probably make him feel better that you reacted to his action no better than him. I couldn't let him get off that easy, and I wouldn't stoop that low. My vows were promised to my husband and myself. I am accountable to my husband, myself, and my children. It isn't just him that benefits from me keeping to my promise to him.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya you are right. I should let him live with what he did I had to live with what I did. AND HE MADE SURE OF THAT. But eww sometimes I just hate men! why are they so dumb and sometimes they really dont think with there brain do they!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Yeah, men are extra lucky, we have two heads to think with


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Be careful with the man-bashing remarks, Sunflower. There are many on here that would be rightfully offended by that statement.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

swedish said:


> Be careful with the man-bashing remarks, Sunflower. There are many on here that would be rightfully offended by that statement.


Oh, I thought she was _only_ teasing us :lol:


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

ugh I know not all men are that way I am just in a hater mood this morning. I asked my husband if he ever text her things that he didnt want me to see and he said not that I remember. SO ITS possible. He then hung up on me and text saying I AM NOT DOING THIS TODAY. whatever he is a coward answer my questions seriously


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Sunflower baby,

You have to stop this.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I know that I know i have to stop but why wont he be open with me thats why I wont stop cause he is being closed off it makes me dig more when he does that seriously. if he was just like ok this is this and that then I would take it as a grain of salt in a wound but my hell he says crap like that then it makes me furious


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Every time you feel like texting him about it, or getting on his case, just remember that stuff you told me about in your school days. The fuss is all in your head. I'm not saying nothing happened, I'm just saying the chaos is coming from you.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I KNOW THAT its coming from me and it makes me angry. I just thought that he was a differant man. I feel like he is a trader and that he didnt love me gosh all these emotions running through my head right now. I just need someone to talk to really bad I am losing it right now.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Ask him to hold you, and tell him you know you're being over the top. Tell him to just hold you whenever you are mad. and don;t keep texting him, except to say sorry for being a pest.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

HA I know it huh why do people act like this when something like this happends I HATE IT I hate feeling that like desperation feeling it makes me so mad at myself. I just dont get it WHY. am I obsessing this damnit.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Are you willing to do what I suggested in the last post? that is to say, ask for his help instead of questioning him?


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya you know what I think I need to do? I think that I need to mend things with the ex bff I think I do? I think that will help me. I know thats dumb but I think thats whats bringing me down.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sunflower said:


> Ya you know what I think I need to do? I think that I need to mend things with the ex bff I think I do? I think that will help me. I know thats dumb but I think thats whats bringing me down.


Please explain?


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Well I was talking to her on IM today just like as if things are normal I told her I missed her to. I just wonder if the reason I am so crazy on everything is cause things are left unsettled and I also feel Like I lost something you know that feeling like you left your cell at home or something and you go to make a call and forget it isnt there. And also do you think that its fair for me to forgive him and not her? I know it was all a mistake and it wasnt like they boned down I dont know AM I A IDIOT?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sunflower said:


> Well I was talking to her on IM today just like as if things are normal I told her I missed her to. I just wonder if the reason I am so crazy on everything is cause things are left unsettled and I also feel Like I lost something you know that feeling like you left your cell at home or something and you go to make a call and forget it isnt there. And also do you think that its fair for me to forgive him and not her? I know it was all a mistake and it wasnt like they boned down I dont know AM I A IDIOT?


No you're a cool person. Of course you should forgive her  It was only a bit of fun - gone wrong. It probably would not have happened without alcohol.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sunflower said:


> I also feel Like I lost something you know that feeling like you left your cell at home or something and you go to make a call and forget it isnt there.


I love that analogy...


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya me to! cause I have done that before and I was soooo lost lol I am a talker and I need my phone!


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

I wouldn't kiss or have sex in revenge but I might consider PROZAC. It can be a good thing for those that need it.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

sunflower said:


> ugh I know not all men are that way I am just in a hater mood this morning. I asked my husband if he ever text her things that he didnt want me to see and he said not that I remember. SO ITS possible. He then hung up on me and text saying I AM NOT DOING THIS TODAY. whatever he is a coward answer my questions seriously


I know that it hurts and sometimes you just want to say "you jerk" but remember why you want to stay married to him and that's to be happy so work towards that. On the other hand, its not appropriate for him to say "I'm just not doing this today". That would make me want to say "I wish I didn't have to do this but its not like I can stop hurting either". I've heard these words before and I told my H, if that's the way you are going to react and if you feel like I need to just get over it and move on, suck it up or don't reconcile, then I choose not to reconcile. I told him that from day #1. I will not hide the pain I am in just to make him feel better. We can work through it or not. Tell me now because if its not, then I choose not to reconcile. He committed on that day to support me and never say that again. He hasn't, he has stayed true to that word.

I feel I have an end to hold up here too and communicate the way our counselor told us to, with respect and listening to the other. I (usually, I do have a few bad moments) think about what I'm going to say first and really understand what do I want out of this conversation...understanding...compassion...him to know or him to change something. After all what's the point of just bashing him and saying you stupid jerk why did you do this? Things like trust, I tell him "I do not feel I can ever trust you again while you continue to hide things from me even if with the best of intentions. So if you do not come clean and be truthful, we will never have that trust and our relationship won't succeed" (this instead of what I wanted to say initially "you have to stop lying to me". 

So do your part in that, move towards healing and making life happier. If he can't or won't keep up his end then you have to make a decision.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya on Saturday I dont know what got into me but I was bawling on the bed talking to him saying why why me why her how could you type thing? He looked like his puppy died. Ughhh I just get that thought every now and then I just want to feel normal again not like I am a freak show like we are freak show marriage. That this really does happen.................................. I DONT KNOW.


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## fatherof3 (Jan 13, 2009)

I just caught this post and have not been following it, but in some aspect i have been through what you are going through.

First thing, a couple of post back you had ask a friend what she would do in this situation and her comment was she would leave......WRONG!!! NO ONE and i mean NO ONE can determine what they will do until they have experinced it themselves...(i know, i was one who said i wouldnt stand for anything like that).

Yes, my situation is different, but it is relevant....After my wife came back from her infamous beach trip, i found out about her kissing another man...She told me....(gut instinct, i knew something). She said she didnt' sleep with him, and i beleive her and still do....
BUT, it shattered me, i never moved past it...i was so shocked that i couldn't forgive her....how could she do that...break our vows and actually physically kiss someone else....In my mind, no matter what she did, she was NEVER sorry enough for what happened....I don't know what she could have done to convince me any diffrently....So i didn't move past it, i didn't forgive, i could not look at her the same way....My pride to was damaged, all our friends knew, i didn't want to be around them, because they knew what she had done....How embarassing, for me(I thought).......I kept nagging about it, pushing for more information, but eventually i just stopped, i couldnt forgive or forget, so we just lived together.....Me not communicating with her and her not thinking i cared anymore......Eventually your H will get tired of it all........Look where it got us.......She completly turned away from me and went to another man physically........U think the kiss was painful.......The sexual cheating will rip your heart out....So really think about things...i wish i had found this board many years ago......You are at a point to where you have to let go or risk losing him again.....


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## fatherof3 (Jan 13, 2009)

Im not here to defend your strip poker incident, but i will say, i can see how that could happen....We to had friends that we would hang out with on some weekends, drink a few beers, and just have a good time......Playing strip poker is something we have never done, but the right time and enough alcohol,and i guess it could have....would i have thought anything about my friends wife running around topless....No i wouldn't...the thinking wasn't like that.....it wasn't sexual.........It was inappropriate for you to do that without your husband there yes...bad judgement, yes....

That is my old mindset, my new one is no way.....These type of things just breed desire, fantasies, and a willingness to accept wide open boundaries......

There is way to much DISRESPECT in marriages today.....


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

I just read this whole 14 page thread...bored at work I guess.


Your marriage will go down the tubes if you don't ever recognize YOUR part of the fault in this whole thing.

You keep saying him kissing/rubbing is worse, blah blah blah. Was it wrong? Absolutely. Was it cheating? Absolutely.

As a man, someone who thinks like your husband, I can 100% tell you that he 100% felt like you getting naked in the presence of another man and RUNNING AROUND THE HOUSE naked was cheating.

The only thing worse than my wife getting naked willingly in front of another man in my mind would be if she slept with him, and that's about it.

You are both equally wrong, until you come to grips with that and apologize the 100% BS you have put him through for the last 2-3 months, you are just sending your marriage into a hellish spiral that will surely end it.

Everytime you say or think that his actions were worse, you are sending your marriage further toward divorce.

Own up to your own mistakes, or your marriage is over.

I'm not defending him at ALL, what he did was wrong, no doubt about it, but until you recognize that your strip poker night was JUST AS WRONG and until you realize you have put him through so much more crap about kissing/rubbing than what he did to you about strip poker...your just going in the wrong direction.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

fatherof3 said:


> Im not here to defend your strip poker incident, but i will say, i can see how that could happen....We to had friends that we would hang out with on some weekends, drink a few beers, and just have a good time......Playing strip poker is something we have never done, but the right time and enough alcohol,and i guess it could have....would i have thought anything about my friends wife running around topless....No i wouldn't...the thinking wasn't like that.....it wasn't sexual.........It was inappropriate for you to do that without your husband there yes...bad judgement, yes....
> 
> That is my old mindset, my new one is no way.....These type of things just breed desire, fantasies, and a willingness to accept wide open boundaries......
> 
> There is way to much DISRESPECT in marriages today.....




Ya I know that it was very inaporpriate he told me that he would have rather me do what he did then what I did. Its weird how men and women think huh. I really didnt think that he would mind we had all seen that couple naked before I guess I didnt really get it that they were seeing me and he was unhappy really unhappy about that. I felt even more awful because his friend took pics of his crotch with my camera asked me to go in there bed really bad but I didnt tell my husband all that until his thing came out.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

revitalizedhusband said:


> I just read this whole 14 page thread...bored at work I guess.
> 
> 
> Your marriage will go down the tubes if you don't ever recognize YOUR part of the fault in this whole thing.
> ...




Well I hope that it was some what of entertainment for you! in your bordem. I do know that my marriage will fail if I keep bringing it up and pounding it into his head over and over. My hardest thing for the longest time was trying to justify who was worst of this thing him or me? I had questioned that OVER AND OVER AND OVER. And well it his really think about it we hung out with them after the strip poker thing well he didnt know the details on it about his friend only on me. BUT we still hung out and looking back at pics and things it doesnt seem like he held on to it? I was bitter also forever about him hiding it well and them from me the entire year and going on like it was nothing. ouch that burns. there is this one pic. of all of us and more friends in a big group and his face is right up to hers and I am in the background you know how bad that looks. what is that why would he do that?


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## DB in PA (Feb 25, 2009)

Wanting revenge is only normal, but if you do this, I feel that the emotions that you would have afterwards would not make it worth the deed. It just opens the door for more problems and dynamics that you do not need right now.
My wife has been lying to me for years about a long distance romance via cell and internet, and I feel the need for revenge, but only to do something to make life suck for the guy. I had talked to him, warned him, and even have his e mail and have sent him, always the same story...nothing more than friends, but when you find in you wifes possesion a map to go to his house, and downloaded naked photos of him, then you just know that it is more...it hurts, and I do want to make life really bad for this guy. At this point I want my wife to make things right with me. 
Then revenge against him. Our life is hard right now, but we have been together 16 years, two children, and I need to try my best to make that right, so that(for me) if it does not work, I can say that I did everything I could to preserve our marraige!


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

sunflower said:


> Well I hope that it was some what of entertainment for you! in your bordem. I do know that my marriage will fail if I keep bringing it up and pounding it into his head over and over. My hardest thing for the longest time was trying to justify who was worst of this thing him or me? I had questioned that OVER AND OVER AND OVER. And well it his really think about it we hung out with them after the strip poker thing well he didnt know the details on it about his friend only on me. BUT we still hung out and looking back at pics and things it doesnt seem like he held on to it? I was bitter also forever about him hiding it well and them from me the entire year and going on like it was nothing. ouch that burns. there is this one pic. of all of us and more friends in a big group and his face is right up to hers and I am in the background you know how bad that looks. what is that why would he do that?



You have to remember that some people react differently to the same situations.

I'm not trying to be mean, so don't take it that way, I'm just calling it like I see it. Just because he didn't go "crazy" over your 'cheating' like you did over his, does NOT make his worse.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

DB in PA said:


> Wanting revenge is only normal, but if you do this, I feel that the emotions that you would have afterwards would not make it worth the deed. It just opens the door for more problems and dynamics that you do not need right now.
> My wife has been lying to me for years about a long distance romance via cell and internet, and I feel the need for revenge, but only to do something to make life suck for the guy. I had talked to him, warned him, and even have his e mail and have sent him, always the same story...nothing more than friends, but when you find in you wifes possesion a map to go to his house, and downloaded naked photos of him, then you just know that it is more...it hurts, and I do want to make life really bad for this guy. At this point I want my wife to make things right with me.
> Then revenge against him. Our life is hard right now, but we have been together 16 years, two children, and I need to try my best to make that right, so that(for me) if it does not work, I can say that I did everything I could to preserve our marraige!




I am sorry to hear that and I 100% understand the revenge thing its weird isnt it. Cause you get there and then your like NOPE I CANT I love this person I cant then you get all confused on hmmm maybe they dont love me cause they did it blah blah blah. We all get lost and make stupid choices in out lives I understand that. I am erally sad for my life right now. I miss the old times and its hard to think it will never NEVER be the same


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

revitalizedhusband said:


> You have to remember that some people react differently to the same situations.
> 
> I'm not trying to be mean, so don't take it that way, I'm just calling it like I see it. Just because he didn't go "crazy" over your 'cheating' like you did over his, does NOT make his worse.


I dont think that you are mean at all actually in some twisted way I want people to be this way with me I dont want someone on my side I want the cold harsh truth for serious I WANT TO HEAR IT ALL. I am not throwing a pitty party and I am the VIP of it. please tell me what you think. I know that people handle things differant he made crude comments to me all the time about it here and there but if it was considerd cheating to him why would we still be hanging out with them? Unless guys are really that differant.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

What purpose does revenge have really? From everything I have read, you are just as in the wrong as he was. You both were disrespectful of your marriage...he by kissing the friend and you by playing strip poker. HOW on Earth did you think that was appropriate? 
Face facts..things will NEVER go back to the way "they were", and honestly look at where THAT got you anyways. It just seems that you want to focus so much on your husbands behavior so that you DON'T have to focus on yours. If the tables were turned and he was the one acting how you are now, would his behavior cause you to try to work harder on your marriage, or would it push you farther away? 
I've been cheated on. The BEST thing I realized was that *I* chose to stay and because that was my choice, I had to let the anger and fear go. It was pushing my husband away and that was SO very counterproductive to working things out. 
Your life will never be the same.Get used to it. Find new friends if you need to, ones that are as respectful of the boundaries in their relationships as you NEED to be in yours in order to get things going in a positive direction.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Mommybean said:


> What purpose does revenge have really? From everything I have read, you are just as in the wrong as he was. You both were disrespectful of your marriage...he by kissing the friend and you by playing strip poker. HOW on Earth did you think that was appropriate?
> Face facts..things will NEVER go back to the way "they were", and honestly look at where THAT got you anyways. It just seems that you want to focus so much on your husbands behavior so that you DON'T have to focus on yours. If the tables were turned and he was the one acting how you are now, would his behavior cause you to try to work harder on your marriage, or would it push you farther away?
> I've been cheated on. The BEST thing I realized was that *I* chose to stay and because that was my choice, I had to let the anger and fear go. It was pushing my husband away and that was SO very counterproductive to working things out.
> Your life will never be the same.Get used to it. Find new friends if you need to, ones that are as respectful of the boundaries in their relationships as you NEED to be in yours in order to get things going in a positive direction.



I absolutly agree with you we were very young and stupid in how we acted I dont know why I think that what I did was not as wrong? I guess cause so many people said that it wasnt wrong that it was all in fun and games and well when you kiss someone thats differant so I tried to go off that? I dont know I know we both messed up I just hope he knows what he wants now cause I know what I want. I would hate to be heartbroken twice.


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## wanttobehappy (Mar 7, 2009)

I have thought about it just so he can feel the hurt I'm feeling, but I could never do it:scratchhead:!! I'm not crazy!!! I think??


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

wanttobehappy said:


> I have thought about it just so he can feel the hurt I'm feeling, but I could never do it:scratchhead:!! I'm not crazy!!! I think??




HA I hear ya that ummm am I crazy? lol I get that all the time and sometimes people look at me and even him looking at me I feel like they think I am losing my mind!


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## wanttobehappy (Mar 7, 2009)

Dont think you are crazy just think if i did that am i crazy!! Yes I would..It would make my situation worse!


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Aint that the truth! and you get to that point and you are like I just cant not after how I felt I just cant!


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