# Tired of being confused



## Shafted (Oct 19, 2012)

Hello everyone,
This is my very first visit to this site, so excuse me if I am ignorant of the way everything works here. 

I can already see in my opening that I have trouble with my self esteem. That seems to have been stolen from me. I will try not to make this long, but I do want everyone to know my circumstances. 

Well, this is my story. 
Almost a year ago, let me see, on November 15, 2011 at 7:35pm I received a text. It wasn't meant for me and I have no idea how I received it. It showed me that my husband was having an affair with a woman from his job. The text was an accumulation of correspondences over the past few days. They were using affectionate words and conversations that were showing how familiar they were with one another. Needless to say I flipped out!
I ran outside away from my kids to call him. After several attempts he finally answered. He did deny the EA. I stood my ground and told him i was taking the kids and used language (which is now common for me) calling him everything in the book. i immediately called the other woman who also denied the EA. That night I became a certified detective and found other calls between them. My heart had been broken that night. 

I would have sworn on a bible my spouse would never do such a thing as this. He was not that kind of guy. He was so straight laced and always befriended anyone he knew if they were having a EA. He was appalled by such behavior. a catholic boy who was raised with high morals who has parents that have been married over 50 years. 
My spouse travels about 10 months out of the year, working for established well known bands around the world. It's not easy on a marriage. 
To continue, he wasn't due home for another 2 1/2 weeks. During this time I was losing my mind. I gave him the ultimatum to give up what he called a "friendship" or give up us. He actually asked for time to think about this! It burns me even now. He says now that his thinking wasn't right with the stress of this and his job. He ended up choosing us. God, if I could have all these moments back I would change a lot of how I reacted. (I'm reliving every word I write down. This is hard. 
He came home and slowly fessed up to everything EXCEPT for having the "s" word. Like I can believe two unsupervised adults alone in a hotel room only laid in bed and made out for over a span of 4 months - yeah right! He still sticks to this lie. It's important for me to know or for him to admit it to me. I feel I should know every detail about their relationship. ( do you agree)
We went to marriage counseling which he didn't participate, stating no one can help us but us. 
Life went on and I tried different approaches to our problems such as individual counseling, group therapy reaching out to all my friends and family. I begged him to get a job locally, which he informed me there were no jobs for a lighting designer based in Houston that paid well I decided divorce was the only option and he didn't try and stop me. He said I can't get in your way if that's what you want. When it came down to my first appt with a lawyer I chickened out. I decided to give myself a year. Slowly it has all shifted to be my problem. His on and off visits home were few and we had some good days but mostly bad. 
Now he has manipulated me ( I think) into believing that I led him to this point. I feel old ( she was 21 years younger than I), ugly, incompetent, sad, depressed and just plain worthless. I booked a 4 day Marriage Boot Camp for us in November and I have all my eggs in this one basket.

I am so tired and confused. I don't know how I feel about him, but as you see I sure know how I feel about myself. 
So here I am. I'm on short term disability because I can't think straight and since I'm a nurse I can't afford to make a mistake. This EA has obsessed me. 
I can't forget or forgive. I am thinking the two ( forgive & forget) go hand in hand. The triggers that set me off on a rage are frequent. I have started getting involved with many out of home interests which is new for me. I'm seeing a counsellor weekly and taking antidepressants & anti-anxiety meds. I just can't seem to get any where. I'm stuck and need a boost. Can anyone give me words of wisdom? That is if anyone was able to read this incredibly long post.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

It isn't an EA. And you are doing everything wrong. You are trying to plead the cheater back into the marriage. It never works.



Is he still talking to this woman. Is this woman a coworker ? have you exposed his affair to family and friends ?


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## pleasebehonest (Oct 11, 2012)

I agree with the above post. Are you sure this isn't still going on? I don't believe one little bit that it was just an EA and not a PA. Why bother to pay money for a hotel room when you can "make out" in a car, in semi public place, etc. He may think he is sparing your feelings by not admitting PA, but I think you know the truth.

You really need to get some counseling for yourself. Is there anyone at your church (free counseling) you can be totally open and honest with? You need to gain some self -esteem back, clear your head, so that you can look at your situation clearly, and make some good decisions for you and your kids. 

Hugs! Hang in there.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi Shafted Sorry you are here, his cheating is not your fault and the problem is his to own up to. I believe in the concept that the state of the marriage is 50% yours and 50 % his, the fact that he chose to cheat is 100% about him. If he isnt willing to work on the marriage then based upon what you have shared you really do not have a marriage. I feel that you should start working the 180, the 180 is designed for you to work on yourself i would also suggest start exercising or working out as this is the number 1 thing to do for stress plus it will help your self esteem. And that is great about starting old or new hobbies. I would also reconnect with old or new friends and start doing things for yourself if your husband doesnt want to participate. They say a EA can be more devasting than a PA because of the emotional connection side of it and i agree you should not let it go You need to make a decision sooner or later Is this the person I want to be married to or not ?? If it is then that takes 2 your husband needs to do a lot of heavy lifting to amend the marriage in my opinon


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## WWife (Oct 12, 2012)

Shafted - my husband had an EA with his co-worker and much of what you've said sounds familiar! I'm sorry you're going through this -- it's really difficult! I'm glad you're seeing a therapist -- focusing on yourself is the best first step!

I think every BS (betrayed spouse) goes through the step of blaming themselves. That the BS led or drove the CS (cheating spouse) to that point. Often the CS points to all the things wrong in the marriage as evidence for why it's the BS's fault.

Here's what you need to know and remember: The answer to "I'm unhappy in my marriage" isn't to have an affair. That is not an acceptable response. The end. If you're unhappy, find a way to fix it or get divorced. 

Look, you were both in this marriage and only one of you chose to have an affair.

Other things to be aware of: often a CS will rewrite the history of their marriage in order to assuage the guilt of having an affair. They'll also often start only seeing the bad in the BS for the same reason. They feel guilty, they want an excuse for their actions so they'll blame a bad marriage, a bad spouse, etc, even if it's not true (and again, even if it is true and the marriage is bad -- an affair isn't the answer!!) 

In terms of marriage counseling -- he's right that the work of fixing the marriage rests on y'all's heads. However, he's wrong that counseling can't help. Counseling doesn't fix things, it gives you the tools you need to fix things. Marriages aren't always easy -- it's a lifelong commitment between people who are going to change and shift and grow. We're not born being experts on how to be a spouse and it makes complete sense that at times we have to turn to experts to help us and guide us.

In terms of practical steps, I echo warlocks question: are they still in contact with each other? That's critical in terms of your recovery.


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## Shafted (Oct 19, 2012)

Thanks everyone for responding. 
No he is not still seeing her or talking to her. I've done all my investigating. 
He works for a different band from year to year per tour. He is independent and she was with only the one band. I actually just recently stopped harassing her by texting 
& emailing. 
CS has told me recently that he would stay with me even if I'm as miserable and undesirable as I am now. I said not to worry that I would give it till August and if no improvement i'll file for divorce. 
He says the EA happened after he gave up on me due to my depression. Now I have the EA to get over along with the depression I had before. I take meds for it and he blames the meds on my anger,depression, sleep too long or too little. He just has no clue. I hurt as much today as I did 11 months ago.

Warlock, What did you mean by plead the cheater back into the marriage?
What can I do to get him back to who he once was or me back to who I was. I don't even know if its worth it. I'm sooo confused about all of it. I've always needed confirmation from someone before I allowed myself to get angry. I have so many thoughts floating in my head I can't seem to take grasp of reality.


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## Shafted (Oct 19, 2012)

You know I'm thinking: legal separation.
Anyone try that?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Is she married/partnered?

You can't "get him" to do anything. Either he wants to work on the marriage or he doesn't. Either he chooses to end all contact with her or he doesn't. But you can state what you will and won't tolerate and follow up with boundaries with consequences. 

You don't have to stay in a marriage/relationship where someone is direspecting you. Let him know that.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

You can only work on a marriage when both parties want to. Right now he is giving you trickle truth. He needs a big fat wake up call. You need to expose the affair. Start with his parents and then move to the AP's partner or husband. I would also consider filing D papers. He really needs to know you being tough on him

Do not ask what you can do better, do not ask how you can fix this. He has to do that. Also you have to tell him he quits the job or she does. No other answer if the answer is no that is it.

Getting to his family and friends with the A is the first thing to do and you need to do it now. Also you need to get checked for STD's and do not let him near you until he shows you the results of his STD test.

You need to be strong for you and your kids


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## Shafted (Oct 19, 2012)

I already told his family and tried to tell hers. I already tried filing for divorce and he just said I was giving up without a fight and if that's how you feel I can't stop you. I already made him quit working for the band he was with for 17 years in which he had the EA. I gave him the ultimatum. We did the STDs = negative. 
The children is the only reason I'm here today.


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## WWife (Oct 12, 2012)

Shafted said:


> What can I do to get him back to who he once was or me back to who I was.


You can't do anything to get him to be other than he is. We can't change people -- they have to change themselves. You're right that you need to focus on yourself: see a therapist, discuss your meds and make sure they're the right ones for you.

I was depressed last year (before I knew about the EA though looking back part of my depression stemmed from the way my husband treated me as he fell for another woman). I began taking meds and felt like I was just getting stabilized when I learned about my husband's EA. For a few months all I could do was hold on and go to individual and marriage counseling. I focused on myself: got healthy, got back in touch with who I was and wanted to be, etc. 

I think you have to be come the person you love and then you see if that person is compatible with your husband. You come first.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Forgive and forget do not go hand in hand. Forgiving is a part of forging a new marriage out of the mess you currently have, but you will never forget what has happened. You must learn to accept that it happened and not let it be the central focus in your life, but you will never forget, nor should you.

It is good that you are no longer "harassing" the OW via text and email. If you are sure that they are no longer in contact, each time you text or email her re-opens the wounds and sets you back to day one in the healing process.

I am not an advocate of legal separation. Your husband spends so much time away from home, it seems you are already "separated".

You can recover from and EA, but the CS must do their part in the recovery process. I don't see your husband doing a lot to help. MC is not a "fix" but it can help both partners see things a lot clearer.

Good luck.


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## Shafted (Oct 19, 2012)

I've gotten so list on this path that CS has put me on and I don't know what he should be doing. I've told him he needs to help in the healing process. He claims he has by being home and I am supposed to help bring us closer by working on a project together at home. I told him my way of getting closer is to go out on dates, nothing spectacular just a nice drive or lunch. 
Seriously, I know he should be doing something more. It seems we or he skipped something important. I'm too close and confused to see this disaster. He's asked me what do I need to do?
I answer I don't know? I feel helpless and wish there was a step by step rule book written and personalized for us. 
Can anyone tell me what he should be doing. I feel he isn't sorry enough and He owes me something in return. Weird huh?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

To rebuild your marriage takes both partners working towards that goal, I feel that he should return to when yall first started going out what did yall do ?? where did yall go ?? etc yr right little dates movies, out to eat walking in the park feeding the ducks etc are great places to start and rebuild the m. They say a healthy relationship has a minimum of 10 hours per week of quality time that just you and him together no kids no cell phones etc no tv, and spend the time going out and doing things whatever they may be look he won yr heart once before who better to know what to do

say that to him


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