# Wife wants to separate but not divorce



## Twistedoo9 (Aug 13, 2012)

I need some advise. 

I am 30 and my wife is 31. We have been married for 9 years and have known each other fo 10-11. Our marriage has not been the best. I have an computer game addiction and have let it control my life. It first started in the first year of marriage. I guess i was not ready to grow up and started playing MMORPG. I was in my last semester of college when i started. After graduating i took the summer off and got a job at Blockbusters. She was working a fulltime job bringing in most of the money and I was staying home all day playing games and working a ****ty job. She finally kicked me out he house and said I needed to get a real job. So I did and stopped the games. Well that lasted about a year then I was right back to gaming. We had our first child 3 years into marriage. I would stay up all night and not help with the baby to play games. This went on a year then she told me to stop. So I did but not really just hid the fact that I still played. 

I had become repressed, resentful, lazy, aggitated, and was not really that great of a father or husband. We ended up moving into a new house and that is when the Mother in law moved in after her stroke and divorce. She has been living with us for that last 6 years. I would stop and start playing every now and then but never really gave it up or admitted i had a problem. Since then we have had 2 more kids. 

Last year my wife started seeing a Decon at our church because she was fed up with me and that I would not change. He convinced her to go to couseling and we did. I was hurt, angry and still in denial about my problem so i did not fully participate in the counselling. I told them what they wanted to hear but never really intended to quit long term. So 2 months later i asked to start playing as a hobbie. I also had just got my Iphone and was on that thing the mass majority of the time i was not online playing. 

I was always there to help with the kids, housework, money, gave her everything she wanted (vacations, car, etc) but was not there emotionally 100% of the time more like 30%. It was not all bad we had some good times, we laugh together, cried together, but there were alot of bad times too.

4 weeks ago she said she was done being married to me and wanted me to move out. she was so mad....she had been holding back for so long and all those emotions exploded out of her and was completely shut off and cold to me. I convinced her to let me stay and she agreed. The next week was a living hell. I tried to be lovey dovey and be there for her emotionally but i was met with and blank stare and no emotions. She finally said we needed time apart.

Needless to say I didnt take it very well. I cried and begged and pleaded. She said she loved me but did not like me but that this was not permanent that if I showed change she would take me back but it would take some time like 4-6 months. She stopped wearing her ring, stop telling me she loved me, and for the next week did not want to talk to me. I kept pushing and pushing which i know now was wrong. So i backed off. Thursday of last week she got a laywer and asked to get legally separated so we both could be protected incase one of us went crazy.

I was blown away but at the same time OK. I had started my addition therapy and was in a good place. We had dinner while we went over the finances and child support. She would touch my hand and stand right up against me. There was no tension and we were in agreement. 

Saturday was my first time back in the house. I was there by myself for 7 hours with the kids while her and her mom ran errands. I was so hurt when I saw almost all pictures with me were gone. They came back and I said wow you sure did some redecorating. She laughed and said 2 of her friends took everything down when she was upset one day. We had a talk and she said she was not mad at me anymore. I straight up asked if she wanted a divorce and that I would not fight her. She said no that is not what she wanted right now and that she wants us to work out but right now is too early and she still does not believe I am changing.

I am getting a apartment this week and called her yesterday to make sure she wanted to go through with this and if she would be willing to let me live in the guest bedroom for 1 week to see if we can work it out. She said it was not a good idea and got aggrivated. Said she does not trust me and I would have to earn her trust. She is not willing to get counselling now until I get my addition fixed. I am afraid that since she has her mother with her to help with the kids she will see she does not need me and this time apart will make things worse but she will not budge on the situation. She wont even consider just dating right now.

My thing is if she loves me, not mad at me anymore, and wants to work this out then why wont she even consider dating or letting me stay in the house for a few days to see if we can get along. I am going through therapy fixing myself but she is not willing to help herself or work with me on these issues. How do i prove i have changed and earn her trust if she wont let me be around her for long periods of time. I know its only been a few weeks but I am lost.

I am 100% she is not cheating or having a relationship with someone else. All coworkers are wemon and 3 kids take up all her time so she does not go out and we were always together. 

Adive needed.


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

Twistedoo9 said:


> I need some advise.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


She's told you why. She does love you, but she can't live with you until she is convinced that you have your addiction in control and that you are making strides forward in your counseling. You want everything to be fixed quickly -- you realize that your actions have hurt your wife, you realize that you must change if you are going to keep your family intact -- that's great. But, she needs to know that your changes are for real, and the way you will do that is by rebuilding trust a little bit at a time. My suggestion is to 1) validate her opinion -- you need to tell her "I want you to know I listened to what you said when I asked you if I could move back in. I heard you say that you want to work things out, but that you need me to move out and show you that I have changed. I'm not happy about it, but I respect your feelings and I will do every thing I can to make this relationship work -- even live apart from you." After you say that you can say, "I am concerned that if we do not see each other regularly then we will drift further apart. How can we build in some time for us to spend together during this separation?" And then LISTEN to what she tells you.


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## 36Separated (Aug 5, 2012)

My wife said the same, for the first 10days of her leaving keep saying she wanted to sort and we would date etc, then bombshell - she wants a divorce, she went to a solicitor a couple days ltr and now wont talk to me other about the kids.

I advise give her space - i kept pushing for dates and to go round and she snapped and wants the divorce


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

No wedding ring.
You've been removed from the home.

She's done my friend, you need to 180 & get on with life.
MAYBE the changes a 180 bring on along with the changes you make to be a responsible adult MIGHT turn her around but it's a long shot.

Either way you'll be in a better place to get on with life
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 36Separated (Aug 5, 2012)

Just to add my wife said when she went that even if we dont get back together she would always remain married to me - that went out the windwos after 10days. I'm still trying to turn things round but im losing the battle. We have 3 kids in all this too, she doesn't think they should be told anything, but they think we have split for a break whilst we sort things and they will be back home for christmas ????


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

36Separated said:


> Just to add my wife said when she went that even if we dont get back together she would always remain married to me - that went out the windwos after 10days. I'm still trying to turn things round but im losing the battle. We have 3 kids in all this too, she doesn't think they should be told anything, but they think we have split for a break whilst we sort things and they will be back home for christmas ????


Lying to your kids is going to come back to burn you.

If you don`t know what`s going to happen then tell them you don`t know what`s going to happen.


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## 36Separated (Aug 5, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Lying to your kids is going to come back to burn you.
> 
> If you don`t know what`s going to happen then tell them you don`t know what`s going to happen.


I've spoke to her and said we need to tell them if she is going a head with the D, but she says they don't need to know. She does say that if she changes her mind shel stop the divorce, the fact she doesnt want to tell them - is this just putting it off or possible doubts about the D


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## Twistedoo9 (Aug 13, 2012)

I dont think it is easy as she is done with me. I think she has alot of outside opinions that are influencing her. The fact that her friends went ahead and took all pictures down tells me they think she should leave. I trust her 100%. She has never given me any reason not too. When we discussed finances she made it as fair as possible and honestly it was a better deal in my favor. I have talked to people she has talked too...aunts, grandmas, friends, etc and she is telling them she wants to work things out. I am just trying to figure out how I get back the trust if she is not willing to let me back in since she is afraid of being hurt again.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

your only hope is to stop playing video games. If that means not having a computer, so be it. Get rid of your iphone. Get rid of any game consoles. No if's and's or but's. Get a phone that is just a phone. Don't kid yourself that you can stop on your own. The choice is simple, video games or your wife.


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

If you can't completely stop playing the computer games then you have sealed your own fate, it will mean she's right that you are hopelessly addicted and you can't turn it around even in the face of possible divorce.

In which case, make it easy for her and give her the divorce and keep it amicable.

If you can stop playing the video games, you're over one major hurdle but you've got more to go, and that has to come from her. Give her the requested space, stop the begging and pleading, and use the free time to read self help books and get counseling that you sorely need.

Lastly don't fall into the trap of being 100% sure she isn't cheating because believe me everyone who is cheated on says that, and also you are not with her all the time, you're separated and she has mom to watch the kids. You don't want to believe she's cheating that doesn't mean it isn't a possibility that's all I'm saying here.


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## Twistedoo9 (Aug 13, 2012)

Actually i have started seeing a addiction therapist last week. I have also left my computer at the house and deleted all games off of it. Even deleted my WOW characters. My iphone has been cleansed of all games. I had a friend of mine change my itunes password so I can not buy them. I also have restricted the safari web search on my iphone and had a password put on it so i can not get in it. When I get my appartment there will be no internet connections. I have taken steps but i need her to trust me that I am changing but right now she still does not trust me. Says until she see real change then she will take me back....I guess actions speak louder than words.


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## Twistedoo9 (Aug 13, 2012)

Actually I was with her all the time just not there emotionally. She never stayed out late, always home on time, absolutely does not believe in cheating and gets rid of friends who cheat on there BF or spouses. As for the mom, she takes care of the kids all day and my wife feels guilty making her do it at night too. It is not a "I dont want to believe it" it is a "i know with 100% certainty she is not cheating".


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

Twistedoo9 said:


> I have taken steps but i need her to trust me that I am changing but right now she still does not trust me. Says until she see real change then she will take me back....I guess actions speak louder than words.


It will take time to see if it sticks. She's got the right idea. You are trying to change because you're scared to lose her, and she's thinking if she goes back with you, you'll go right back to the gaming and lie about it like you did before.

You are going to have to give it time, as in, at least a few months. 

If you're not with her physically now, especially during the evenings, how can you be sure who she's with? I get that she doesn't want to impose on mom, but that doesn't mean she can't get home a bit later, or ask mom to watch the kids once in a while at night.. if there's another guy and he's close by, they could find the time. Again, that's all I'm saying is to consider it so you don't get blindsided.


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## Twistedoo9 (Aug 13, 2012)

I guess today is a big day. Finally got my wife to go see my addition therapist who is also a marriage counselor. She is going in there with the idea that this will be about getting her side of the story but my therapist also mentioned she was going to recommend marriage counseling and what she thinks we should do if she truly wants this to work out in the end.

Crosses fingers....


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## Twistedoo9 (Aug 13, 2012)

Update...

I have signed a 6 month lease in an appartment yesterday. I kind of screwed up Monday by going see my wifes sick grandma. Her aunt was there and we got to talking about everything going on. It went on for 1 hour and I had to get back to work. They called her that night and told her she needs to take me back that I am completely different and she should give it a chance. Needless to say this pissed her off because she thought I was trying to turn her family against her. I called yesterday and explained everything to her....that I love her family as much as my own. Just because we are separated does not mean that I can just cut people who have been a part of me for 9 years completely out my life. I told her I never asked for them to call and try and convince her to take me back I just owned up to everything I did and asked for their advise. She ended up understanding but she was still upset and said give her a few days and she will get over it.

At this point I just have to trust she is being truthful and just focus on myself. Everyone I have talked to says she wants to work this out, she says she wants to work this out, so basically I need to just give it a rest. It is only pissing her off the more I try and tell her I am changing.

I have also gotten a second job in the afternoon to occupy my time to get me away from everything. My addiction therapist is awesome and talking to her makes me see everything so clearly and honestly I have done a complete personality change since I started going to her. I am more open to people, laughing more, have a positive outlook on life, and i am so desparate to share my experiences and what I am feeling and going through I find myself talking to complete strangers and telling them all what is going on in life and getting there advise. I have been holding back for so long it is kind of liberating.

Dont get me wrong I find myself from time to time feeling so empty and lonely. I miss my wife, children, dog, home, etc but I just keep telling myself that all that will fall into place in time. Getting over my video gaming addition is priorty #1a and #1b would be fixing my relationship with my 6 year old. 

I am kinda excited about moving into this appartment. I will have to finally grow up. I have been living like a child for 30 years now and this will force me to learn to fend for myself.


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## Twistedoo9 (Aug 13, 2012)

So Sunday i had a weak moment. After dropping off the kids and my daughter going balistic because she wanted to stay with me. I went to church and after listening to what the priest was saying i decided to call the wife and set up an lunch date Tuesday to discuss questions I have been having. 
I talked it over with my therapist and other people and decided that the lunch talk was a bad idea. Nothing I could say would make a difference right now and she reminded me that I am an addict. I just substituting my gaming addiction with a different addiction and that was getting back with my wife. I was not listening to her feeling and wants(which were to have time to herself) and instead being selfish and trying to force myself back into the relationship.

I called Monday and cancelled told her I was being a selfish ass and she wants time so I will give it to her. Since then 180 all the way. No calls, text, emails, only talking about kids when we have to talk. Never initiating conversations, being short and to the point. Wed. I get a email from her about this Friday and the kids. Basically she will be at relatives and wont be by to pick them up till 9pm. I said that was fine and nothing else. She then sent another email asking about what I had planned. Responded "Feed them, play with them, bath them, get them to sleep". Recieved no reponse. That night i do what I always do and that was to call to tell kids goodnight. After my conversation with my oldest she went to hand the phone to my wife. I hung up. 5 min later i get a call from her once again about this Friday. She then went into if I needed anything for the appartment. I told her no just need a bag with clothes, shampoo for the kids. She then verified if I needed anything else for the apparment. Once again I said I am good. Then instead of hanging up she asked about the second job I was getting and when I was going to start. I could tell in her voice she was trying to extend the conversation but once again I was short and said 1-2 weeks I would start. Then told her let me let you go and she said OK talk to you later.

She never calls about anything whether I needed something or about anything else for that matter much less about my second job. I know it has only been 3-4 days of the 180 but I am seeing signs already.


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## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

Hey Twister,

Sounds to me like you guys still have a shot. Keep going to work and therapy. Start up going to the gym. Strength ties with family.

It just seems that you had a lot of stress for awhile.

In the meantime, I really feel you have made a lot of progress and you guys still have got a shot. Don't file for divorce. Go to marriage counseling. Read up on Healing Separations:
The Healing Separation


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## Twistedoo9 (Aug 13, 2012)

Well i have good days and bad days. Sometime she gives me the impression she wants us to work out in the end but other days its like she does not want anything to do with me. She has filed for 103 divorce but in the state of louisiana that is equivelent to a legal separation. After the 365 days if she wants a divorce she can file for it if not we can either end the separation or extend it. 

Till this day she has never referred to it as a divorce. She will do things that just dont make sense if you wanted to get a divorce. We agreed to split the furniture but when I went to move my stuff out she wanted to keep the dresser that I used for my cloths because and I quote "I dont want you to move it because it might get scratched up". Why would it matter if it got scratched up if it was going to be mine? She never used it before and as of right now is the place where she puts blankets. But on the other hand she does not wear her ring, no more pictures on the wall of me.

I think she is confused as to what she wants and is planning for the worst by not letting me back in right now because she needs to know if she can make it on her own. Also, letting me back into her life in her eyes too soon could end up hurting her again and the kids. 

Even though she does not want to believe it I am no longer the shell of a man i once was. I have a positive outlook on life now. I enjoy letting my feeling out where before I was repressed and lonely. I spend every moment i can with the kids playing instead of letting them do there thing and me watch because i realize what i have been missing out on.

As for marriage couselling she is not open for that right now. She wants me to focus on my addition and her focus on being alone and see if she can be independent(this is kinda wierd because her mom lives with her so she really is not independent). She is waiting for real change, something that does not happen in 5-6 weeks, before she will make a decision on dating and marriage couselling.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Twistedoo9 said:


> I have a positive outlook on life now. I enjoy letting my feeling out where before I was repressed and lonely. I spend every moment i can with the kids playing instead of letting them do there thing and me watch because i realize what i have been missing out on.


This is awesome that you have finally realized the extent of your problems and are seeking help for it. A good therapist can and will help you to see the problems and give you mechanisms to overcome. Another good thing is that you have realized what you are missing in your children. They are only young once and this is the time to enjoy them before they get older and have other interests. Be the best Dad that you can be, they need you.




Twistedoo9 said:


> She has filed for 103 divorce but in the state of louisiana that is equivelent to a legal separation. After the 365 days if she wants a divorce she can file for it if not we can either end the separation or extend it.





Twistedoo9 said:


> But on the other hand she does not wear her ring, no more pictures on the wall of me.





Twistedoo9 said:


> is planning for the worst by not letting me back in right now because she needs to know if she can make it on her own.





Twistedoo9 said:


> As for marriage couselling she is not open for that right now...focus on being alone and see if she can be independent... before she will make a decision on dating and marriage couselling.


A couple of things. In your pit of self enlightenment, you have absorbed all the problems in your relationship and carry them on your shoulders. You have allowed your wife to absolve herself of any wrong doing in the relationship and you are accepting all the blame. It takes two to tango, a relationship is built on the two people involved. You keep telling yourself that you are the cause of all the problems, when in fact I am guessing she is not as innocent as you are making her out to be. What I am trying to say is don't accept the blame for everything, you are not the entirely at fault.

Next, why is she controlling everything? You have a say in things too, you are an equal partner in the relationship. You do have a right to be heard. While I am glad that you are focusing on fixing your issues & additions, however, don't lose sight of what is happening around you. Everything you say about your wife points to the fact that she is planning to divorce you. Take a look at all of the above statements that you made. What common thread do they have? Your (soon to be ex) wife is planning a life..._without you_. 

She is trying to be nice and not dash all of your hopes of reconciliation, but what are her actions telling you? Before you say she is waiting to see if you get better, think about what is really happening:

- She has filed for divorce (call it what you want, she still filed)
- She basically kicked you out of your house
- Refuses marriage counseling
- She does not wear a wedding ring 
- All your pictures are gone
- Will not discuss reconciliation
- Is planning and operating like she is _single_

I hope that you will wake up and smell the coffee. Although you are working to make yourself better and hopefully get back with your wife, you had better have a plan B. You have already made one of the worst mistakes of divorce by moving out of your marital home. Seek legal counsel via a consult and get some advice before you potentially get totally screwed.

As the boy scouts say, Be Prepared! An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.


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## Twistedoo9 (Aug 13, 2012)

I am not nieve by any strech of the imagination. I fully understand her actions are point towards divorce. I am not one of those hoping upon hope but knowing there is no chance. What I do know is that she is telling everyone around her...not just me that she wants time apart to get herself together and hopefully work things out. Trust me if you saw the person she was 4-5 weeks ago you would have thought she hated my guts but still then she said it was not permenant if i can prove that I can change. This was also the time she stopped wearing the ring and took the pictures down which at that time she could not stand the sight of me. She talks about reconciling but if you knew the person I was and the secrets I hid you would understand her not wanting to make definate plans because she does not trust me. 
I am getting better for me not her. because i know that there is a slim chance we can reconcile but I also can not give up hope because I still think deep down she loves me and with time will realize that she truely does miss me.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Twistedoo9 said:


> I am not nieve by any strech of the imagination. I fully understand her actions are point towards divorce.


I am glad that you see what I am saying. My point is, don't get caught with your pants down if your wife does not want to reconcile and divorces you. I can't tell you how many guys I know separated so their wife could "get some space" and never got back together.

At least have a backup plan in case of divorce. Get a couple of free consults for some advice, search the internet to understand LA family law. Document all of your actions, especially with your children, so that you can show the person you are and what a great Dad you are to your kids. Worst case is you get yourself informed and have a good plan and then not have to use it.




Twistedoo9 said:


> I am getting better for me not her. because i know that there is a slim chance we can reconcile but I also can not give up hope because I still think deep down she loves me and with time will realize that she truely does miss me.


That is awesome what you are doing, it will definitely benefit you down the road. It will make you a better person and father to your children.

But remember the old saying: you can wish/hope in one hand and s$%t in the other...which one will fill up first?


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## Twistedoo9 (Aug 13, 2012)

So....i am feeling so low right now...have not felt this way since she told me she wanted to separate.

Yesterday got a call from my wife as i was about to leave work. She was asking me if I got the Separation Papers(divorce papers) in my email. I had not but opened them up and began reading them. Well everything in them was what we discussed. Up until I got the the section that reads "after all legal delays and due proceedings are had herein, there be judgement herein in her favor and against the defendant granting unto her a divorce a vinculo matrimonii forever dissolving the bonds of holy matrimony between herself and me". I read this and my heart dropped into my stomach. Even though i know it is all legal terms it still hurt so bad to see it on paper. I called her back and she asked what I thought. I told her it was everything we discussed but I did say that there was a certain section that was difficult to read. She knew I had read that section and wanted to see how i was taking it.

Her response was it was caught her off guard and she felt the same way. I told her that I would not fight her on anything regarding the kids and if she wanted a divorce than so be it. I said there are no words that I could say that would take the past back but that I am so sorry and there is not a day goes by that I am not filled with anger at myself and guilt over how I treated everyone. She said it is hard on her too. She started crying and said she is filled with so much pain, distrust of me, and hurt. She told me that it is so hard with me not being around and when I have the kids she spends every waking moment trying to do house choirs and grocery shopping. Stuff she could do when I was there because i would watch the two oldest and she would take the 1 year old. I said hearing her say that makes me feel so much like a failure. As for getting a divorce she said that right now she can not see us ever getting back together because all she has been through and the feelings she has towards me right now are bad.

We discussed the future and how she hopes that in the near future she hopes she feels more confortable around me and would start allowing me to come to family events and come over more often to see the kids. She also said she would not ever try and keep the kids from me that if I wanted to pick them up on any random day just to call.

I dont know how to take this other than right now she is wanting a divorce but still has yet to actually come out and say yes i want a divorce. its alway well right now I cant see us getting back together but who knows what will happen.


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

Twistedoo9 said:


> We discussed the future and how she hopes that in the near future she hopes she feels more confortable around me and would start allowing me to come to family events and come over more often to see the kids. She also said she would not ever try and keep the kids from me that if I wanted to pick them up on any random day just to call.


Don't take her word for it. Divorce changes people. When the dust finally settles, all you will have is whatever is written in the Divorce Stipulation, so make sure you get your fair share of visitation and when it comes to support, asset distribution and everything else make sure you get a fair shake. If it's not in the papers, then assume you won't get it regardless of what she promises you now.



Twistedoo9 said:


> I dont know how to take this other than right now she is wanting a divorce but still has yet to actually come out and say yes i want a divorce.


She's consulted with a divorce attorney and you have received a copy of a divorce petition- although you haven't been legally served, my guess is because she's trying to avoid conflict.

She doesn't have to actually say she wants a divorce.

Her actions are saying it loud and clear.


Lots of people, especially the guys, tends to roll over and just give it all up because they lake the emotional fortitude to fight for what is legally theirs, including access to the kids.

You're blaming yourself 100% for the problems and because you feel so guilty and you have such low self esteem you're willing to give her whatever she wants.

You still have legal rights to your children and property no matter how bad your mistakes in the relationship.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

If you want to see your kids, fight for them. Period. Not sure what you guys agreed to or what the papers say about custody, if you don't like those arrangements then fight. DO NOT TAKE HER WORD THAT YOU CAN SEE KIDS ANYTIME YOU WANT!!!!! Matter of fact, she is divorcing you so do NOT take her word on anything at this point.


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## Twistedoo9 (Aug 13, 2012)

So today was great. Last night I had the kids till 10 and wife came by to pick them up. They were all sleeping she decided to just take the youngest and on her way out asked if I had anything to feed them for breakfast. Stove was still broken so she asked if I wanted to get breakfast tomorrow with her. I said that would be ok with me. I woke up and called to see if she was ready. She was still sleeping but said give her 10 min and she would be ready. 
We went to eat just her and the kids. I listen to her and let her talk instead of butting in. Was attentive to her feelings about the hurricane instead of minimizing her. She asked what my plans were if the storm came to us. I said I would probably evacuate. She responded well if you are do you want to come with us and we get a hotel together. I said sure if you are ok with that. She said it would make more sense then each of us getting separate hotels and spending more money. Maybe I am reading too much into this but to me this is a huge step int the right direction. I have never wanted a storm to hit so bad......


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

I would read into your W's opening up to you as a small step forward. As long as you don't push, she will probably take another step. The area that we all go wrong is pushing to hard when they open up even the slightest bit.


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## Twistedoo9 (Aug 13, 2012)

Oh I know that is why I said if it is ok with you.... She had A tough time with the little one last night and she admitted it is hard with me not around. I am going to play it cool and not push let her make the contact and ask me if I would be willing to do things with her instead of me doing the asking.


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## wifehubby (Jan 28, 2012)

To be honest it seems like you were an irresponsible kid and she got sick of you being so irresponsible.

If i were you i would make a plan of what you plan to do and when you plan to start doing it and modify to her satisfactiom (should be fair) and yoi basically stick to it and if you slip more than a few times them you TELL her to leave u.

You can just list all the chores and how often you will so them and just keep a log.

Secondly, some ppl can manage their gaming habits. If you 
Love your kids, either find somthing else non addictive (WoW is too addictive) or make your kids your hobby

Good luck


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## Twistedoo9 (Aug 13, 2012)

And I used to think roller costers were fun...... So evidentially I pissed her off but didn't do anything to piss her off... Funny how that works. So sat morning was great. Afternoon not so much. She went to her granny's party and on the way home called me to see if I wanted to take daughter swimming. Ofcourse I said yes because I miss them and wanted to play. I get there and automatically know she is pissed. Very short on words and very stand offish. Pic them up and we go swimming at my apartment.

It gets late so I bring them home. I get there and she is coming back from running. Said she had to run to destress due to the party. My take was she was getting hassled by her family about us separating because if they were saying she was doing the right thing by leaving me she would have not been in a horrible mood. So since I am an easy target I get the brunt of her anger. She never said anything mean to me but her body language and tone was very evident that she didn't want me around. I should have left but my daughter begged for me to stay and eat. I did. Very awkward dinner and I ended up leaving after.

Next day I send a text to see if I could pick the kids up so she can prepare for the storm and do choirs. 1 hour later she replays have a play date. So I said ok . I call later about the evacuation plans since we were going together.... Well she had a change of plans and is going with someone else. And basically said sorry bout ya but you are on your own. The person she said she was going with does not evacuate. I asked if she was mad at me she said no that she was stressed. Calls me later about what my plans were and I just said I will figure something out don't worry about me.

This **** is getting old but I am keeping my cool because I think she is conflicted and her mind changes by the hour.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

she probably doesn't want to be nice around you so you get the wrong impression.


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## Twistedoo9 (Aug 13, 2012)

sigh..finally convince myself to try and move on but at the same time work on me in hopes that she see change and lets me back into her life. There is no tension between us anymore. When we talk its is like I am talking to my wife again. We dont discuss major stuff just small talk mostly about the kids, weather, etc...
So yesterday I worked up the courage to print out the divorce papers (or as she puts it legal separation) and sign them. Called her up and said i was dropping them off. I could tell she was a little taken back by it but said just let me know when you get here and I will come out. 
Gave her the papers and said...you know I really do hope we can work this out but you may be right it might be too late to fix this. I was a horrible person to you and the kids and I could not imagine how you were able to put up with me for 9 years. You are stronger than me I dont think I could have done it. I told her as long as she was giving me sex that i was ok but when she would refuse it started arguments...that it got so bad she would just do it so she would not have to listen to the arguments.

Needless to say her response was not what I expected. She defended me. Said I was not a terrible husband or person. That the marriage was not all bad and she did not start thinking about divorce till a year ago. She said she does love me and cares a great deal about me and regardless of what happens she wants both of us to be happy. We are still young and can find someone else if need be. She says that is not a matter of not wanting me that it is not like that. She said she has no regrets marrying me. She said if we dont make it she wants us to be friends (i told her I dont know if that is possible but only time will tell) She also said she does not love me romatically and doesnt know if she ever will be able too.....

I said well your actions say different than your words. I told her that you say that you hope things work out but you do not wear her ring and took all my pictures down. She said I didnt take them all down just the ones in the room and she left the wedding picture frame of us up by the front door. I also told her that yes we may find someone else but that 50% of all marriage end in divorce, 60% of all second marriages end in divorce, and 75% of third marriage end in divorce so there is a good chance we will find someone and divorce them causing our kids to go through this all over again. I also told her all marriages go trough times when spouses are not in love with one another.

Correct me if I am wrong but dont all marriages go through times when we are in love then not in love. That that is normal and is not a reason to get a divorce over. I know my situation is different then the average person but if she was able to fall in love with me before..stay with me 9 years....have 3 kids together...then I think I can make her fall back in love with me.

This seperation is so mentally draining.


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## Twistedoo9 (Aug 13, 2012)

So i called and scheduled 1 session with a divorce busters coach for this Saturday. If I like her and things go good I plan on paying for the 6 session package.

Have any of you ever used them for your marriage coaching? 
If so how did it go and is it worth it?


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Twistedoo9 said:


> Update...
> 
> I have signed a 6 month lease in an appartment yesterday. I kind of screwed up Monday by going see my wifes sick grandma. Her aunt was there and we got to talking about everything going on. It went on for 1 hour and I had to get back to work. They called her that night and told her she needs to take me back that I am completely different and she should give it a chance. Needless to say this pissed her off because she thought I was trying to turn her family against her. I called yesterday and explained everything to her....that I love her family as much as my own. Just because we are separated does not mean that I can just cut people who have been a part of me for 9 years completely out my life. I told her I never asked for them to call and try and convince her to take me back I just owned up to everything I did and asked for their advise. She ended up understanding but she was still upset and said give her a few days and she will get over it.
> 
> ...


Good luck


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## woodnsoldier (Jun 11, 2016)

Listen to what she is telling you for Heaven sakes...Move out, give her some breathing room, your smothering her to death, grow up man...


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

woodnsoldier said:


> Listen to what she is telling you for Heaven sakes...Move out, give her some breathing room, your smothering her to death, grow up man...


this thread was from 2012, he either divorced her after finding out about an affair...maybe, or he is just happily divorced at this point. :wink2:


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

threelittlestars said:


> this thread was from 2012, he either divorced her after finding out about an affair...maybe, or he is just happily divorced at this point. :wink2:


How do people find these old threads and why do they dig them up? The OP hasn't been on TAM in 3 1/2 years. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Absurdist said:


> How do people find these old threads and why do they dig them up? The OP hasn't been on TAM in 3 1/2 years.


There is a search function which will bring up threads that matching threads. Plus, at the bottom of a thread, there are links to other threads with related topics.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Zombie thread... I'm locking it.


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