# Exit strategy – alternates to divorce?



## Jim455 (May 3, 2013)

It’s over. I'm totally exhausted. I thought I could make this work. I just can’t do this anymore. Neither can our kids. Our two kids (16 and 18) have been wondering for years if we were going to divorce. The younger one is openly lobbying for it. I’m hanging on till at least June when the older one graduates high school.

My STBXW (we are 50, 22 yr marriage, live in PA near Philadelphia) has definite anger management, paranoia and control issues. Directed not just at me but also towards the kids. She has essentially no relationship with the kids. They will talk to her when necessary but that’s it. Awkward and superficial. This has been escalating for years. Nothing physical only verbal/emotional. (though she alluded recently in one incident to wanting to hit the older daughter to which I said “that would not end favorably”). 

Despite repeated efforts on my part (we are in MC. Again...), she has done nothing to resolve matters or to reconcile. With me or the kids. If only anger and indignance were Olympic sports. Guaranteed gold...

Our relationship has devolved to essentially cohabitation. Nothing more. Leading almost separate lives under one roof. We talk but it’s virtually a business relationship now. 

Anyway, I’m looking at exit strategies. My lawyer said flat out that divorce is long overdue. I just need to come up with the retainer and it’s a done deal.

My question – Has anyone managed an amiable split without the cost and trauma of lawyers? Do alternate scenarios exist? What do they look like? 

Or is full blown divorce my only option?

(on a side note, I have my family assets. Stupidly, no pre-nup. She came into the marriage with nothing. If she makes a claim then all bets are off and it will get ugly. Especially since my parents immigrated to this country from war torn Europe with literally nothing, they live next door and worked like dogs for what we have. They are aware of what's going on and are seriously upset over the possibility of losing what they've worked their whole lives for. STBXW is an RN with a decent salary. She would be far from destitute financially)

Honestly, I really don’t care about the whether we are legally married or not. I'd be happy if she just left. I just want to move on with my life. I have zero interest in getting married again. 

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

She sounds like shes bipolar or worse. Has she had a health checkup? Gone thru the change and need a hormone therapy? It's too bad your so close to the finish line, but won't seem to finish the race. Have you considered a no contact separation for 30 days?

Sounds like your heart is set. Is hers? Divorce can be easy if you both agree in advance on the issues.


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## Jim455 (May 3, 2013)

I'm about to finish the race. It's just that last ditch effort to figure out how to reconcile this or find alternate arrangements if such a thing exists. I’m now fully appreciating the magnitude of a life-altering event this becomes when I drop the hammer. There’ll be no looking back when I do. 

Above all, the last thing I want is for my kids to be the product of a broken home. At least the kids won’t fault me (or anyone of us here) for not making a heroic effort to avoid it.

Things have been quiet the last few weeks in a non-communicative kind of way. To be honest, she knows this is ridiculous but doesn’t seem to want to discuss it or make a move, resigning herself to being “our cook and maid” as she’s stated in the past. She’s threatened to walk out on us and even done so last year in a spectacular rage-fest (the kids heard it all...) but ended up coming back a few hours later. 

This isn’t life. This isn’t living. This isn’t love. This isn’t marriage. I think what’s holding her back is the social stigma towards family and friends more than anything. She is very self-conscious and hyper-sensitive about how people perceive her. She’s also very Catholic, subject to all that entails. I’m sure that's a major consideration in keeping her from leaving. She has seen plenty of doctors over the years and has also been seeing a therapist. Unfortunately nothing is changing.

After her last meltdown and things calmed down, we were in the kitchen and I made myself something to eat. I proceed to put on the tv, and as if on cue, there was a commercial for Match.com touting “the beauty of loving relationships”, testimonials from couples on how happy they are and how wonderful their service is.... I kept it together for about 50 of the 60 second commercial but could no longer stifle my giggles, especially knowing that I’m a dead man since she was right there. I was so toast. She got really totally pissed and launched off in to the “How could you do that to me?”. Me responding with “I mean seriously, hello?? under the circumstances, think of the karma, how could you NOT think that was funny? And what about those divorce lawyer billboards we pass on the highway on the way to MC every week posing questions like ‘who gets the dog’ and such?”. Sigh....

I’m hoping to navigate this amicably but I’m afraid of the unlikely event that she may do an end-run on me and file first, laying claim to the homestead and throwing out the kids and I. 

(Or is that not how it works? Does the person who files first get to dictate the initial conditions of the separation? Or is that done between lawyers? Or in front of a judge? It’s all new to me. The kids won’t be an issue...)


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

I'm sorry that you are going through this, it sucks. I know in my situation, we are getting a dissolution. I'm not sure if they are available in every state, but are an option in Ohio. The only thing with it, is that you must agree 100% on everything. We hired one attorney, to fill out the paperwork, saying which each spouse will receive, and they submit it to the courts. This week, we will be told when out court date is, and from what I understand, the judge will just ask if we agree to the paperwork. If we do, he will sign off and officially end our marriage. If one of us would not agree, then we would both have to lawyer up and go through a costly divorce. When all is said and done, I think I will have about 600 invested in the whole process, including court fees. Good Luck.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Jim455 said:


> My STBXW...has definite anger management, paranoia and control issues...Despite repeated efforts on my part (we are in MC. Again...), she has done nothing to resolve matters or to reconcile.


At least you have tried to work on your marriage. With a stbx that has these kinds of traits, I would not expect a simple or easy divorce. If she wants to control everything, you can bet that she will try to control the divorce as well.



Jim455 said:


> Above all, the last thing I want is for my kids to be the product of a broken home. At least the kids won’t fault me (or anyone of us here) for not making a heroic effort to avoid it.


Believe me, nobody wants their kids to be a product of a broken home. BUT, would you rather have your kids see you in a broken relationship with their Mom or happy without her?


You can have an amiable divorce, but both parties have to want it for it to happen. Hope for an amiable divorce, but if I were you, I would plan for a nasty one. My ex an I were able to get through the entire process without a lawyer. It was tough for me because she left, but the end result was worth it. Our children are doing great and we are both in a happier place in our lives. We can even talk and hold a decent conversation, but it is mostly about the kids. So it can be done, but it takes two to tango in this situation.

As for who gets what, it depends. When you file, you can ask for whatever you like. Most courts now have required mediation, which may or not be binding, where you try to resolve all of the issues without going to court. Just you, your stbx, a mediator, and possibly your lawyers, depending on how well you get along. Then you can hopefully hash it out, if not, you get to go in front of a judge and they will decide.

I would ask for 50/50 with the kids, unless they want to live with you (see below), 50% of marital funds, my pre-marital assests, 50% of marital home equity, and an equitable split of the remaining assets. You have been an active member of this marriage and you deserve your equitable share. Don't fall on your sword and give her everything just to get rid of her, you will be sorry later.

Beware the woman scorned, sometimes they can have a scorched earth policy where no action is to low to 'beat' you in the divorce. Seen it happen.


Some things I see that I would do to get ahead of the eight ball. This may seem paranoid, but you don't want to be playing catch up:

- First of all, don't telegraph your intentions about a divorce. Don't talk to your stbx or any close friends about the issue. Keep this close hold until you are ready and prepared to file.

- You already consulted a lawyer, so you should have a basic idea what is involved. Put the internet to use and learn your states divorce statues. There are specific Dad centric forums that can provide you with excellent guidance as well.

- Use the knowledge you find to develop a strategy for your divorce, then plan accordingly. What are your must haves and what are you willing to use as a bagaining chip? What end state do you want (50/50 with the kids, the marital home, cash)? 

- Your kids are older, so not a long time till they reach 18, so child support will not be a big issue. They are also old enough that the court may listen to their wishes on where they would prefer to live (mom or dad's). Look that up in your search.

- You have been married over 10 years, so investigate the alimony laws in your state. Since your stbx earns a good income, this may be a mute point. The purpose of alimony was to help the stay at home mom get back on her feet, not really required in this case.

- Make sure that you inventory everything you all own, note which items you brought to the marriage (ie family items). Pre-marital assets can usually be separated from the marital property. Unless you live in a common property state (such as CA) then every thing is fair game.

- Make copies of important documents and store them in a safe location (outside of the home). You may also want to start discretely removing important heirlooms and such too if you are worried about them disappearing.

- Open a separate bank account in your name only. Start to deposit your checks in your new account. I would look at your other accounts and start to split them too. The idea is not to take the money but to prevent it from disappearing from the account. Just keep it safe till the divorce is final.

- This is the paranoia part. I would purchase and keep a voice activated recorder on you at all times. The purpose is to keep your butt safe in the event you stbx tries to call in a false domestic violence or other such nonsense to the police. In my state, all a woman has to do is call the sheriff and you get to spend a night or two in jail. No evidence required. Keep the voice recordings as your evidence of what has and is happening. Then you can play to the police if they come to show your side of the story. You think your stbx would never stoop this low? Cover your a$$ just in case.


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## Jim455 (May 3, 2013)

While things are quiet, I'll use this time as a cooling off period to see how things unfold. Things have been shaky for well over 10 years and "front and center" for the past 6-7. I can afford a few more months. I’m also well prepared if something radical goes down and need to act fast.

Lost Hunter, I'll look into "dissolution" to see if that's available here in PA. It sounds like a potentially decent option if I can appeal to her intellect. It would be off the table if it can't be done without provoking yet another rage-fest. I would have to tread lightly on this.

C3156, I guess hoping for the best and preparing for the worst certainly applies. I don’t see her pursuing “scorched earth” tactics. I have literally years of documentation on her and she is aware of that. She has also seen first-hand the impact of an ugly divorce with a friend of hers. Whether it be dishing it out or being the recipient, I highly doubt she wants to go there.

As for the kids, they both said flat out that they would not live with their mother. Which is truly sad. I’ve told them both that if a divorce is in our future to not give up hope and that their relationship with their mother will most likely improve as it did between their mother and her father (also with anger issues) many years ago. (interesting how history can repeat itself)

It’s funny that you mention a voice recorder. I do have a few mp3’s of her in full fury. I need to find an iPhone app that would be easier to activate than how the cumbersome default recorder app operates. I honestly don’t see her filing a false claim or getting physical with me. But, as you say, I need to cover my ass.

Compiling asset documentation is almost done. A little more research to do. Lawyer at the ready. Just get me to the summer. Here’s hoping for a miracle.

Thank you 
Jim


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