# Let him cheat or he will leave



## StarLily (Jul 2, 2018)

I can see this story from an outside point of view and therefore know it is outrageous, but I need advice please with how to proceed.
My husband and I have been married 10 years and have no children but I am pregnant. Our marriage began very rocky but after a few years we figured things out and settled into a comfortable, loving marriage. One problem that has always plagued us is that I had several sexual partners before we were married and he had only one. For some reason he remains obsessed with that topic and it resulted in a strange jealousy and him losing attraction in me. Because I knew I wasn’t attractive to him I also rarely felt like being intimate and over time this caused great frustration on his part. 
The other day I caught him sending inappropriate messages to a girl on the internet and was so hurt that I told him he needed to decide right away if he still wanted to be with me. He thought for a day and came back with two choices: let him cheat once to avenge this frustration and jealously he feels or we just can’t be together anymore. 
He swears he has not cheated already and let’s assume that is true. He says he loves me like he loves himself and never, ever wants to part from me and lets assume that is true too.
I thought my decision would be easy and I said of course no you can’t have an affair. There’s no way to know if it would help (it wouldn’t) or would be enough (it wouldn’t) and I can’t bear the thought of sharing you with someone else. Then we started talking of separating and I was surprisingly hysterical. I felt as if my heart was being torn to pieces. I don’t think I could physically survive being without him. Not due to weakness but due to a what-you-would-read-in-Shakespeare kind of love for him. I’ve been through breakups before, I’m a strong person, the pain I felt was absolutely unreal. We’ve been through it all and I am not young. I couldn’t meet someone else and live happily ever after with kids etc. more importantly, I don’t want to.
Clearly the first response is, “How selfish! He lives in another world! Dump him!” but I’m looking for alternative suggestions. So far he does not seem open to compromise such as counseling, let’s work on our sex life etc. and when I mention he is talking about leaving me just over having sex with someone else he manipulates the situation and says it is my choice if he leaves or not.
I know it is all very wrong but trust me when I say I can not lose him. Any insights or advise other than the obvious or similar experiences would be much appreciated. Thank you!


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Dump this fool. 

Sorry, I can't give you foolish advice no matter how badly you want to hide from the obvious.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

I always feel I need to preface this so you can understand where I'm coming from when I say what I am about to say.

I am usually very pro-reconciliation and saving the marriage and many costs. Family and my faith are the most important things in my life. Ok, now having said that.

This guy needs his head examined, what a manipulative fool! My STBXW had many partners before me, she was my one and only and that caused concern for me in my own head while we were dating and made me self-conscience in several ways but I got over it, the past was the past (until it wasn't and she wanted 'partners' while still married).

Throughout the entire 10 years of marriage, you said this was always on his mind, did he vocalize this with you for the entire 10 years? He has some major insecurities and he is taking them out on you. Hell no, you don't let him cheat, well I mean you can't stop him but you don't let him cheat and welcome him back. This would be just the beginning. What a small-minded approach. There's no way this would make things better for him or for the both of you.

Please understand none of this was your fault. I feel bad for the breakdown when he lost attraction to you and then it affected your attraction to him but again, that seems to be caused by him. Regardless, however that happened, ALL of the issues are his own fault now. My heart hurts for you since you are pregnant now but what kind of man is this, a father to be that acts like a child. 

The point of your post is that you are looking for alternative suggestions but sadly, he's not giving you any alternatives. You said it yourself "So far he does not seem open to compromise such as counseling, let’s work on our sex life etc. and when I mention he is talking about leaving me just over having sex with someone else he manipulates the situation and says it is my choice if he leaves or not."

The alternative to leaving him right now in my mind, is the warning that you are willing to do so and back it up. He drops this AND goes to counseling OR you see a lawyer and start to go over your options. 

Another alternative and I mean this. If you have any relationship with HIS parents and are on good terms. Go to them, tell them and if they are worth anything they will be on his A&& and maybe pour some cold water on his foolish aspirations and convince him to get help.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You have unclear, emotional thinking.

As long as you allow yourself to fear losing him, and fear finding another, and make up stories in your head that you’re too old to move on and can’t live without him/—- you are in trouble.

Even if you’re 75, you can still find someone else.
That “Shakespearean love” you feel for him?
That’s just codependency/fear talking.
I felt the same way about my cheating wife.
I considered blowing my brains out when she left. 

Once I got out of that mode of thinking, I started moving forward and realized what an idiot I was for investing such feelings and giving such value to a person of zero character like my ex wife.

You’re in for a sad, horrible time if you don’t show some strength and file for divorce.

Your husband will sense your weakness if you allow this. One? One affair? That is disgusting. And I assure you, if he actually finds some trash to stick his penis in, he will do it again at first opportunity. Having sex with other women sure as hell won’t make him love you more. And you will begin to hate yourself if you let him rob you of your dignity.

File for divorce and see how fast he begs to stay. If he doesn’t, he planned on leaving anyway.

Acting weak never got anyone anything they really wanted.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Did he know the number of sexual partners before he asked you to marry him? If yes, then it looks like he is using that as an excuse to cheat. Also, an excuse for not finding you attractive. If not, then he needs to decide if the number is a deal-breaker for him. Cheating will not even the score as you have been faithful and you both (I presume) took vows to forsake all others. Will cheating make him feel like a better lover, man, husband? 

In short, he is immature and needs to grow up. Don't give your blessing to this scheme as it is bound to backfire. Call his bluff and tell him that you can't be together, anymore.

BTW, if he loves you as he loves himself; he doesn't love nor respect himself. Grrrrr.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What would you do if he died? You'd survive. Think of it that way. 

Or else just let him cheat and hope the resentment doesn't kill you.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

StarLily said:


> Because I knew I wasn’t attractive to him I also rarely felt like being intimate and over time this caused great frustration on his part.


In other words you're not all that romantically interested in him. Why don't you just go ahead and say it. If he wasn't attractive to you, your lack of intimate feelings would not have caused "great frustration on his part". If he knew you thought he hung to moon and would screw his brains out on a regular basis he may not be looking for affirmation by chasing other beaver.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Your husband is wrong.

Let me say that again.

YOUR HUSBAND IS WRONG.

No matter what crap might spew from the bowels of reddit subforums, your husband is wrong.

I don't care how common this whole retroactive jealousy malarky is....it's stupid and infantile. Period.

And using it as an excuse to cheat??? No. Just No.

Do NOT give him a hall pass.

He's being a completely unjustifiably ridiculous baby.

Okay, now that I have made that clear.....create a boundary. Decide what you will tolerate, and know that if you "tolerate" it once, it is likely top happen again...and again.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

VladDracul said:


> In other words you're not all that romantically interested in him. Why don't you just go ahead and say it. If he wasn't attractive to you, your lack of intimate feelings would not have caused "great frustration on his part". If he knew you thought he hung to moon and would screw his brains out on a regular basis he may not be looking for affirmation by chasing other beaver.


The REASON she didn't want to be intimate with him was because he was OBSESSED with the sex partner thing. That kind of whiny obsession is unattractive. This problem begins and ends with him. Period.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Get a lawyer and take him to the cleaners. A man who can’t get over his stupid insecurities and treats his pregnant wife like this, does not deserve a marriage or a family. He sounds selfish and entitled. Tell all your family and friends about this and hand him divorce papers. You will find someone deserving of your love. He is a POS.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

VladDracul said:


> In other words you're not all that romantically interested in him. Why don't you just go ahead and say it. If he wasn't attractive to you, your lack of intimate feelings would not have caused "great frustration on his part". If he knew you thought he hung to moon and would screw his brains out on a regular basis he may not be looking for affirmation by chasing other beaver.


He’s responsible for her feeling bad about herself. Not likely any wife wants to screw out the brains of a husband who makes her feel unattractive duh! And she is pregnant with his child, what a POS he is to threaten his pregnant wifeliness this


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## Steelman (Mar 5, 2018)

He's an idiot.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> The REASON she didn't want to be intimate with him was because he was OBSESSED with the sex partner thing. That kind of whiny obsession is unattractive. This problem begins and ends with him. Period.


He knew she had banged other guys before he signed on. You yourself may wonder yourself if your spouse/partner was doing others before you come along and cut the supply when you entered the picture. It'd be really interesting to find out who was turning down who.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

VladDracul said:


> He knew she had banged other guys before he signed on. You yourself may wonder yourself if your spouse/partner was doing others before you come along and cut the supply when you entered the picture. It'd be really interesting to find out who was turning down who.


It's not interesting at all.

There is no excuse to cheat.

Even if the cheater is a man.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

aine said:


> He’s responsible for her feeling bad about herself.


So if he feels bad about himself because she's "not in the mood" then she's responsible? Truth of the matter is if that cat couldn't handle his wife previously banging other guys, he shouldn't have married her. Him going out a getting some strange poon tang ain't going to help him assuage his feeling. However, I think there's a lot more to this story. They need to just pull the plug on something that likely can't be fixed.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

VladDracul said:


> So if he feels bad about himself because she's "not in the mood" then she's responsible? Truth of the matter is if that cat couldn't handle his wife previously banging other guys, he shouldn't have married her. Him going out a getting some strange poon tang ain't going to help him assuage his feeling. However, I think there's a lot more to this story. They need to just pull the plug on something that likely can't be fixed.


Look, this is basic reading comprehension:

1. She had more (like 2 or 3 more) partners than he did before marraige
2. This became an obsession for him
3. He no longer found her attractive edue to HIS obsession
4. He made her feel so crappy she didn't want to be intimate
5. He began virtually cheating WHILE SHE IS PREGNANT by chatting up women
6. Now he tells her if he can't cheat on her he'll leave

Yeah...I can TOTALY see how this is her problem..../sarcasm/

No boys' club justification is possible on this one, sorry.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You better find your lady balls and tell him in no uncertain terms is he is NOT to have sex with ANYONE but you. If he still insists, then he can get the hell out. What the hell is wrong inside of you that you are acting like a hysterical child over losing a man who wants to sleep with other women?? You need to take a good hard look at yourself and figure out what is going on with you. A man like this is not worth having!


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

No justification to it. Both of these two need to make other arraignments. Sometimes you just have to accept the gig is up.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

This sounds like the type of situation that @Taxman would have an applicable parable.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

It won't be one time, and honestly if it wasn't about the sex count it would be something else. Unfortunately you married someone who is not mature enough to be married. Cut your losses now or be prepared for a lifetime of poor boundaries and misery.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

If you dont mind me asking..Did he know how many sexual partners you had before you got married? Also not that it matters that much but how many more have you been with then him?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

How many partners you had before you married him has zero importance to a reasonable person, unless you screwed every man that walked and he felt you were a tramp.

He clearly didn’t think that or he wouldn’t have married you.

He is coming up with that bs because he is insecure about himself. He is wanting to have sex with other women because he thinks poorly of himself and wants other women’s attention in order to feel better about himself.

You can’t fix this, OP. Once a person starts wanting other people, the marriage is essentially over.

Don’t feel guilty about how many men you were with before him, it’s how loyal you were since you met him that counts.

You aren’t disloyal. He IS. His lust for other women is far more dusgysting than anything in your past.

Don’t choose to live in fear. Live like you’ve only got a few years left. Don’t waste them on this idiot.

I truly believe if you kick him to the curb, he will come back with his tail between his legs, begging for Another chance. If you entertain his stupidity, he will ruin your life. 
You have no choice but to start planning a life without him and let him earn his way back in, or carry his rotten arse.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OK, a bunch of things here. 

Unless otherwise discussed, marriage is assume to be monogamous and it is not reasonable for someone to insist on sex outside of marriage. 

Unless otherwise discussed, regular loving sex is assumed to be part of marriage and it is not reasonable for someone to withhold intimacy in marriage without cause. 

The first seems completely clear, and I believe he is morally wrong to put you in this position. 

The second - it depends on what you mean by "rarely" felt like being intimate. It is not reasonable to expect your marriage partner to live a near celibate life unless that was discussed in advance, or there is a medical reason. (If you mislead him with frequent intimacy before marriage, then you are in the wrong - but so far nothing you have said has suggested that you did that). 


How was your sex life before you were married?



In any case, the morality really doesn't matter. There are a few options:

You can offer frequent sex and see if he will accept that rather than cheat. 

You can "let" him cheat.

You can tell him you don't accept cheating and divorce - each of you getting whatever the law says.

You can tell him not to cheat, not divorce, and then he will probably cheat and hide it - and you may or may not ever find out.


If you can stay together, and convince him not to cheat, what would you like your love life to be like?







StarLily said:


> snip
> One problem that has always plagued us is that I had several sexual partners before we were married and he had only one. For some reason he remains obsessed with that topic and it resulted in a strange jealousy and him losing attraction in me. Because I knew I wasn’t attractive to him I also rarely felt like being intimate and over time this caused great frustration on his part.
> snip


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

> The second - it depends on what you mean by "rarely" felt like being intimate. It is not reasonable to expect your marriage partner to live a near celibate life unless that was discussed in advance, or there is a medical reason. (If you mislead him with frequent intimacy before marriage, then you are in the wrong - but so far nothing you have said has suggested that you did that).


She made the reason for this very clear in her original post. He became obsessed with her "number" and made it clear he was less attracted to her. Would YOU want to have sex.

Yes, yes, I realize that men will die without "relief" every 24 hours and that it is the get out of jail card for EVERYTHING....

But it is HIS fault she pulled away.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*In the infamous words of the late, great, conservative news commentator, John McLaughlin of The McLaughlin Group, "Bye-Bye!"*


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Your Husband is very immature and manipulative. If you went along with this he will suddenly need to do it again in a year or two, and so on. The whole "it's your choice if he leaves or not" is total crap, you know that. You should just tell him if he wants to leave his wife and child because he had less experience than you coming in that is up to him and you are prepared to divorce if he chooses to. How many marriages involve people who have exactly the same sexual experience, unless both are virgins I would guess it is very rare. 

He is a low character man/boy. He needs to grow up. He is going to be a father, seriously he is acting like a teenager. 

If I thought there was any chance his having a ONS would be the end of this I would say go for it, but it will not, he will come back for more or use it as a mental excuse to do it again behind your back.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Send him here to chat with us! Please oh pretty please. 

Direct him to post a question under his own profile and tell him to try to convince us of his NEED, his WANT, his GOD GIVEN RIGHT TO CHEAT.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's just an excuse to catch up.


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## Knips (May 23, 2017)

You can suggest an open marriage. But it means you can also have sex with another man.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

You need to get counseling so you can find your self esteem. 

No one should feel like this ever.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

You'd Be opening Pandora's Box if you said yes. This is just an excuse for him to find some strange. And, as far as him declaring that it's your choice whether he leaves or stays, I beg to differ. It is your choice whether YOU leave or stay. And I vote for leaving this imature, manipulative sorry excuse for a man.

If you do insist on saying yes, what's good for the goose is good for the gander And it should be an open marriage on both sides. Suggest that to him and watch his face fall off.


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## StarLily (Jul 2, 2018)

Thank you for the quick and thoughtful replies. I'll try to remember all of the questions which were asked.
- Yes I disclosed to him how many people I was with before we were married. He said it was an issue but that he had thought about it and decided it was not a deal-breaker.
-By "Rarely" I mean a couple of times a month and I never turned him down, not once. I just didn't instigate of due to my low self-esteem from knowing he didn't find me attractive. He didn't instigate often either, probably for the same reasons.
-I'm glad you mentioned talking to his parents. During our initial conversation I told him I would call his mother and let her tell him how ridiculous he sounded. He said it was of no use and that he had already talked to her and she said while she understands that the situation is difficult for him that he should find a way to work things out and not hurt me. I am still thinking of calling her but I don't know what good it will do. I'm not sure anyone at this point can talk sense into him.
-I did ask if we could please go to counseling and said I would make a real and genuine effort to instigate more and he said it was too late for that.
The hardest part of all of this is the thought of throwing away the last 10 years as if it never happened in addition to losing my very best friend. I know people go through this every day. I guess I am still naïve enough to think that life doesn't have to be as cruel and unfair as it is sometimes if we work at it. But I know it has to come from both sides. It truly does feel like he is dying and leaving me behind.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

StarLily said:


> I can see this story from an outside point of view and therefore know it is outrageous, but I need advice please with how to proceed.
> My husband and I have been married 10 years and have no children but I am pregnant. Our marriage began very rocky but after a few years we figured things out and settled into a comfortable, loving marriage. One problem that has always plagued us is that I had several sexual partners before we were married and he had only one. For some reason he remains obsessed with that topic and it resulted in a strange jealousy and him losing attraction in me. Because I knew I wasn’t attractive to him I also rarely felt like being intimate and over time this caused great frustration on his part.
> The other day I caught him sending inappropriate messages to a girl on the internet and was so hurt that I told him he needed to decide right away if he still wanted to be with me. He thought for a day and came back with two choices: let him cheat once to avenge this frustration and jealously he feels or we just can’t be together anymore.
> He swears he has not cheated already and let’s assume that is true. He says he loves me like he loves himself and never, ever wants to part from me and lets assume that is true too.
> ...


Until you change how you feel, there is nothing else to be said or done.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

StarLily said:


> I need advice please with how to proceed.
> SNIP
> trust me when I say I can not lose him.


So you're asking how to proceed but you've ruled out every way but one. This isn't a real question.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

For some men, the number of sexual partners is important. When the husband, here, was informed of her greater number of sexual partners than him, he was probably still in the new relationship ''honeymoon'' period. So, he either suppressed the feelings, or just ignored the fact for the sake of the endorphin rush he was feeling. As life settled into a pattern, the niggling feeling came back.

I have no advice for the OP, her husband is processing his feelings immaturely. Perhaps he needs some elder male role models?? Or someone to talk to?

It's a truism, though, that some men find women who've had many/more partners than themselves to be….unseemly. 

*please note the words ''some men''. This is a qualifier to the usual squawkers who think ALL men get a free pass to do as they please.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Ok, there is a first time for everything, but not in this case, this is emotional blackmail. He has her in the unenviable position of being pregnant, and dealing with this bullshlt. It almost sounds like a demand for a revenge affair. Give me a hall pass or I will dump you forever. Crap on this! What? He is just going to go out and have sex with some skank from A Maddyson? Oh, I'm so sorry that you did not have a sexual smorgasbord before marriage, well, most people don't. Hey, I worked the clubs as a disk jockey in the late seventies (anything so I did not graduate in hock up to my eyeballs). There were guys who basically showed up, asked the first dozen or so women if they wanted to fuçk, there was always one or two that did, and I can't say what the quality or whatever was, but it was just for putting a notch on one's belt. I tried not to partake, as I was more or less serially monogamous. Beside, people who engaged in that lifestyle tended to be rather selfish and self centred. Did not really want to socialize, even the women, mostly it was bang and go. (One drunken night proved that I did not want that, came out of a drunken haze to find myself being straddled by a woman who I would not even talk to when sober, she was the ex-wife of my business partner's buddy. She was NOT what you would call pleasant and pretty. More or less a vociferous strumpet with a massive SUPERIORITY complex and a desperate need for Weight Watchers -OK I was fat at the time, but she was a chubby chaser's delight). Again, I was a notch on her belt, and the next time I saw her, I had some words, like, don't think I will ever get drunk in your presence again. 

She should tell her husband that he is welcome to fuçk anyone he pleases, including barnyard animals, however, he will no longer be welcome in your home, but thoroughly welcome to pay alimony and child support. He is a total piece of crap, and blackmailing your wife at this time of her life is inexcuseable.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

First...your atitude of (I CANNOT LOSE HIM) needs to stop right now. Even in a relationship where there is no infidelity or stuff like this that frame of mind is NOT HEALTHY FOR ANYONE. 

Now, his firm stance on you must let him cheat smacks of a emotional affair.... i think he has someone he REALLY REALLY likes and he is demanding a sanctioned affair, and HE WILL LEAVE YOU, this will not end the argument or problem if you let him cheat.... It is a fore gone conclusion. 

Now hun... YOU GOT TO REALIZE now, not later that you need to be willing to lose him. It is all a part of the EGO issue he has. As long as you feed his ego he will treat you like garbage. Wont respect you. If you pander to this BS, you look weak, and like a rug to walk on, which is what he is doing. 

You need to wake up and read stories here, like binge on the stories. Maybe a TAM person can link applicable ones. One thing you will learn after a good week of intense reading is that there is a common theme to CODEPENDENT betrayed spouses.... The later realize they could have saved the marriage by actually being WILLING to lose it. 

PLEASE PLEASE realize now not later that you can lose him. You actually could be better off without someone shaming you because of your SEXUAL PAST, because he is dancing with you shaming him for his sexual PRESENT. 

ugh...he is a twerp...stop talking to him. SEE AN ATTORNEY and serve his ass, let that reality wake him up.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

He's bluffing. Call him on it, don't fold. 

BTW-this is why you shouldn't discuss your previous number of sex partners or what you've done before with any future partner.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

About his Mom, don't believe a Damn word he has said. Call his mom. There's a big chance he hasn't even talked to him Mom about this and if he has, he has given a narrative that is the complete opposite of the truth.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Taxman said:


> Ok, there is a first time for everything, but not in this case, this is emotional blackmail. He has her in the unenviable position of being pregnant, and dealing with this bullshlt. It almost sounds like a demand for a revenge affair. Give me a hall pass or I will dump you forever. Crap on this! What? He is just going to go out and have sex with some skank from A Maddyson? Oh, I'm so sorry that you did not have a sexual smorgasbord before marriage, well, most people don't. Hey, I worked the clubs as a disk jockey in the late seventies (anything so I did not graduate in hock up to my eyeballs). There were guys who basically showed up, asked the first dozen or so women if they wanted to fuçk, there was always one or two that did, and I can't say what the quality or whatever was, but it was just for putting a notch on one's belt. I tried not to partake, as I was more or less serially monogamous. Beside, people who engaged in that lifestyle tended to be rather selfish and self centred. Did not really want to socialize, even the women, mostly it was bang and go. (One drunken night proved that I did not want that, came out of a drunken haze to find myself being straddled by a woman who I would not even talk to when sober, she was the ex-wife of my business partner's buddy. She was NOT what you would call pleasant and pretty. More or less a vociferous strumpet with a massive SUPERIORITY complex and a desperate need for Weight Watchers -OK I was fat at the time, but she was a chubby chaser's delight). Again, I was a notch on her belt, and the next time I saw her, I had some words, like, don't think I will ever get drunk in your presence again.
> 
> She should tell her husband that he is welcome to fuçk anyone he pleases, including barnyard animals, however, he will no longer be welcome in your home, but thoroughly welcome to pay alimony and child support. He is a total piece of crap, and blackmailing your wife at this time of her life is inexcuseable.


You are truly a man, Taxman. The good kind.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

StarLily said:


> -I did ask if we could please go to counseling and said I would make a real and genuine effort to instigate more and he said it was too late for that.
> 
> The hardest part of all of this is the thought of throwing away the last 10 years as if it never happened *in addition to losing my very best friend*.


I think you need to realize that "best" friends don't treat their partners - or anyone for that matter - this way.

Frankly, your husband doesn't sound like best friend material to me. Not. One. Bit.

You would be doing yourself a tremendous favor in showing him the door and telling him not to let it hit him in his azz on the way out ....


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

VladDracul said:


> He knew she had banged other guys before he signed on. You yourself may wonder yourself if your spouse/partner was doing others before you come along and cut the supply when you entered the picture. It'd be really interesting to find out who was turning down who.


Just my humble opinion, I agree an SO "may" wonder about who an SO was doing and wonder if ties were cut......but it's not "always" a focal point (and I know Vlad said "may"). 

But my point being that topic shouldn't be a focal point in any marriage. 

He's an idiot.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Actually, and only you know what's best......but show him this or another forums thread as part of his education. 

He needs to pursue spicing up you two's sex life, not live in "she did / I can" fantasy land.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

You H needs counseling. You need a lawyer.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

StarLily, what's the age difference between you and him?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

StarLily said:


> He thought for a day and came back with two choices: let him cheat once to avenge this frustration and jealously he feels or we just can’t be together anymore.


Three thoughts StarLily:

He's likely lying to you. It's more likely that he's already started the A and is wanting to get your permission, to make the whole process more convenient for him. Suspicious wives are such a pain to deal with. What this also tells you is that he couldn't possibly love you.

If you agreed to this, what dwindling respect he has left for you would be completely gone; and with that, all attraction.

You need to get immediate counseling for your co-dependency so you can find your resolve to kick him to the curb.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

StarLily said:


> Thank you for the quick and thoughtful replies. I'll try to remember all of the questions which were asked.
> - Yes I disclosed to him how many people I was with before we were married. He said it was an issue but that he had thought about it and decided it was not a deal-breaker.
> -By "Rarely" I mean a couple of times a month and I never turned him down, not once. I just didn't instigate of due to my low self-esteem from knowing he didn't find me attractive. He didn't instigate often either, probably for the same reasons.
> -I'm glad you mentioned talking to his parents. During our initial conversation I told him I would call his mother and let her tell him how ridiculous he sounded. He said it was of no use and that he had already talked to her and she said while she understands that the situation is difficult for him that he should find a way to work things out and not hurt me. I am still thinking of calling her but I don't know what good it will do. I'm not sure anyone at this point can talk sense into him.
> ...


I can only imagine how much this hurts. You have gotten some good advice so far. 

IMHO, if you want to fix this you need to do the following. 

File for divorce, ASAP, have him served. 

Then one of two things will happen, he will wake up when he realizes what is about to happen or he won't. 

Really, from your description, you don't have a lot of options. If he wakes up, then you can look at all the counseling that you need. 

What else can you do...


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

StarLily said:


> I can see this story from an outside point of view and therefore know it is outrageous, but I need advice please with how to proceed.
> My husband and I have been married 10 years and have no children but I am pregnant. Our marriage began very rocky but after a few years we figured things out and settled into a comfortable, loving marriage. One problem that has always plagued us is that I had several sexual partners before we were married and he had only one. For some reason he remains obsessed with that topic and it resulted in a strange jealousy and him losing attraction in me. Because I knew I wasn’t attractive to him I also rarely felt like being intimate and over time this caused great frustration on his part.
> The other day I caught him sending inappropriate messages to a girl on the internet and was so hurt that I told him he needed to decide right away if he still wanted to be with me. He thought for a day and came back with two choices: let him cheat once to avenge this frustration and jealously he feels or we just can’t be together anymore.
> He swears he has not cheated already and let’s assume that is true. He says he loves me like he loves himself and never, ever wants to part from me and lets assume that is true too.
> ...





StarLily said:


> Thank you for the quick and thoughtful replies. I'll try to remember all of the questions which were asked.
> - Yes I disclosed to him how many people I was with before we were married. He said it was an issue but that he had thought about it and decided it was not a deal-breaker.
> -By "Rarely" I mean a couple of times a month and I never turned him down, not once. I just didn't instigate of due to my low self-esteem from knowing he didn't find me attractive. He didn't instigate often either, probably for the same reasons.
> -I'm glad you mentioned talking to his parents. During our initial conversation I told him I would call his mother and let her tell him how ridiculous he sounded. He said it was of no use and that he had already talked to her and she said while she understands that the situation is difficult for him that he should find a way to work things out and not hurt me. I am still thinking of calling her but I don't know what good it will do. I'm not sure anyone at this point can talk sense into him.
> ...


Let me just say really quick - do NOT involve his mother. As a woman who is a mother and mother-in-law, I feel it it none of my business how my adult children work out things between each other. They are grown people and running back to their parents...who have MOVED ON with their lives, having already raised their children to adulthood - is completely inappropriate.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

StarLily said:


> I can see this story from an outside point of view and therefore know it is outrageous, but I need advice please with how to proceed.
> My husband and I have been married 10 years and have no children but I am pregnant. Our marriage began very rocky but after a few years we figured things out and settled into a comfortable, loving marriage. One problem that has always plagued us is that I had several sexual partners before we were married and he had only one. For some reason he remains obsessed with that topic and it resulted in a strange jealousy and him losing attraction in me. Because I knew I wasn’t attractive to him I also rarely felt like being intimate and over time this caused great frustration on his part.
> The other day I caught him sending inappropriate messages to a girl on the internet and was so hurt that I told him he needed to decide right away if he still wanted to be with me. He thought for a day and came back with two choices: let him cheat once to avenge this frustration and jealously he feels or we just can’t be together anymore.
> He swears he has not cheated already and let’s assume that is true. He says he loves me like he loves himself and never, ever wants to part from me and lets assume that is true too.
> ...


Okay, two things - bone-headed me did not see the very obvious part about you being pregnant. 

Two, his bone-headed statement that if he leaves it will be your decision - UGH.

Get his sorry-*ss on this forum.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

if a man said that to me I would say, 'there's the door.' Yes you can live without him, of course you can. Many here have had to after much longer marriages. Is this the sort of man you want as a husband and full time father???? If he hasn't already cheated, then he will soon do so, probably many times. 

If you stay with this awful, selfish, immoral, immature, manipulative man, you will deeply regret it.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

The whole thing is a load of manure.  @StarLily , You busted him sexting with some girl so he responded with the idiocy you stated, trying to save face for being busted. He's scum, and you will not only keep living when he's gone, but you'll be amazed at how well you can be treated by other men, and not being manipulated by your sorry excuse for a husband. You'll wonder why you put up with it as long as you did.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

PLEASE SEND HIM HERE. 

sure yeah, if he is a wasted load of crap right after he spends some time here and he turns to you and blames you for making him want to leave the marriage more you know what you are dealing with, a selfish immature classic narcissist that might have some psychopathic traits and he is also running from the family unit and he is a COWARD. 

I think there might be a few things at play here that could possibly redeem him, EVENTUALLY but you really need to call his bluff. 

Don't give him a divorce, DEMAND ONE FROM HIM...he owes you something now, make him see you DO HAVE THE POWER, and while you do it is worse for him. In a marriage there is SHARED power, in a divorce or reconciliation it is no longer shared.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

In a negotiation, the one who cares less almost always wins.

What would happen if you agreed with him? I assume he would have sex with another woman.

What would happen if you didn't agree with him? My understanding is that he would have sex with another woman, and let you be the person to divorce.

Assuming he knows you are pregnant with his child, this is a special level of cruelty. He seems to have the mentality of a 15-year-old, and an immature 15 at that.

Tell him to take care of himself using his other hand, and close his eyes, and make believe it is someone else.

That was a joke.

Sometimes in a negotiation, when it gets too heated, when both parties refuse to budge, it helps to take a break. Why don't you tell him this:

(1) You are pregnant and don't want this memory of your first child
(2) You are not giving in to him
(3) He can wait until after the baby comes before he has sex with another woman and you divorce him
(4) It's been 10 years, now is the worst possible time, he can wait another 9-12 months to blow up everyone's life.

You understand, because you know how it must look at from the outside, that putting up with him makes no sense. Meanwhile, him wanting to have sex with another woman just to raise his number is not a rational thought. But what you are dealing with here is emotions. People will do all kinds of destructive things when strong negative emotions are in play. All that delaying does is hopefully allow the negative emotions subside a bit. I'm assuming there must be some positive attributes that you haven't posted, so maybe if you can get him to delay some of those better attributes will appear again.


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## MichelleThoughts (Jun 24, 2018)

I am SO for couples doing whatever it takes for the benefit of the children, having grown up under a really nasty divorce.

I also know what it feels like to be pregnant and unbelievably emotional. My heart just breaks to hear this story! I would be feeling so torn and crying my eyes out daily if I were you.

I totally agree though that he is being horribly manipulative and selfish! You are carrying his child! And you have done nothing wrong. He is the one entirely in the wrong here.

Plus he says it all is up to you. Turn it around and say it is up to him. He already turned down all your very reasonable suggestions to repair your marriage, even graciously forgiving him for the way he has already treated you. I would say to him, either accept the counseling or leave. Then it is his choice, not yours.

An affair will solve nothing regarding his insecurities. It is horribly destructive.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

The more I think about your scenario, the more I am inclined to agree with Badmemory. I think he already has had a sexual affair with the girl he was texting, you caught him so he lied to you and wants to come up with an excuse.
How heavily pregnant are you? it is common for loser men to cheat at this stage of marriage because the wife is bigger, tired, etc. 
After 10 years and he decides to do this even though he knew how many sexual partners you had previously? This is all a load of BS, a huge smokescreen to hide the fact he has already been unfaithful to you and wants to continue his A.

1. go through all his stuff and find out the truth
2. tell your family and friends that he cheated, it does not matter the extent (texting is already being unfaithful, let him do damage control)
3. Go see a lawyer and see what you rights are
4. Kick him out of the house
5. Do the 180 on him and get an IC for you.

This is tough when you are pregnant but you will get through this and dump his ass.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Any man who even begins to excuse or explain away another man's affair based on whether or not 6 was good or frequent is not actually a man. Hes a selfish, pathetic little boy. That is what your husband is acting like. Don't listen to anyone who thinks that a man's infidelity is excused for any reason. I say a man's infidelity because the same pathetic little boys will deep fry any woman who cheats. Because they are just sad little people.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Openminded said:


> It's just an excuse to catch up.


He already has someone he wants to bang, so he is putting it out there this way, so it can be OP"s fault when he does. Or, its her fault he already has.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Bananapeel said:


> He's bluffing. Call him on it, don't fold.
> 
> BTW-this is why you shouldn't discuss your previous number of sex partners or what you've done before with any future partner.


I disagree. Honesty is best here, always. Its up to the other person to decide if its something they can deal with or not, and if they cant, then you don't need them and it wasn't the right fit. This jerk decided that this was something he had been uncomfortable with, so has decided to use it to excuse his affair.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Tell him you agree to an open marriage. He can screw whomever he chooses.

Come home late, like 3am next Friday and Saturday night. 

Or file for divorce and post selfies with otter handsome dudes. You are his WIFE. He’s a true fool to mess with you in this manner. You can attract far more attention than he.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

I think i hinted at it in a pervious post but it was echoed again more clearly in a few posts above. 

This whole situation of sanctioned cheating, it is because he has already done it. He has (crudely) stuck it in, so to speak.... 

I feel it, and others on this thread feel it too. You need to find out how deep this rabbit hole goes....


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

He gave his terms. They are unacceptable.
File for divorce, maybe that will snap him into a reality check when he feels what it is like to lose his wife and baby.

I only read your opening post and will try to read the rest later, but it is highly likely he has fallen for someone either online or in real life, and plenty more has happened then the text you saw...because the stipulations he is giving are complete insanity based on what you did more than a decade ago and before marriage. He wants a hall pass because he has someone in mind.


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