# needing to understand and move forward



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

I am having a horrible time understanding my situation, coping, and getting my life back together, and moving forward after finding out about affair my wife has had and currently ongoing for almost 2 years. 

I have cried, gotten angry, tried to leave, tried to save marriage, gone numb and tried to ignore, I've tried to show how much I want and love my wife to only be shut down fail and be told I'm not trying. 

I know I've tried obvious things and easily seen to simply trying to pull myself back together and even just help more to lighten her load since she says she does it all and is the only one on this marriage. 

Now I have done things wrong and bad and horrible ( horrible to her I don't see them that bad but pretty bad) and I try to take responsibility for my actions and my doings. 

What I'm going crazy over is really understanding what she needs and wants from me to end this affair and truly give us a chance. She has tried many things to show me she wants to save us buy a lot of them time she continues the affair or at least talk to the guy while trying. That doesn't make sense when it kills me so much she's even talking to him but to her that should t matter I should t
Still be able to be there for her and show her my love, be there for her, support her, and do those little things like your looking sexy, surprise her and comfort her when she's breaking down even if it mainly about or related to the other person. 

I've been trying so hard to do what she asks of me and wants but I always seem yo fail or not do enough or simply crash trying to the point of I'm so exhausted emotionally and physically it makes everything worse and my self even more confused.

Does anyone have any ideas on where to start from here or what I can do or simple to help me start understanding. A

Anymore information needed or questions please ask
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Is divorce an option ?

Why should she change ?


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

It's late so excuse me for being blunt. The short of it is that you're going to have to STOP trying to please your wife. You are acting like a doormat and doormats aren't sexy.

Your wife doesn't have any consequences for having an affair so why should she stop it? The things you resist persist. I can't understand what's so good about your wife that you want to fix this after she's shown you complete disrespect by having an affair, gaslighting and blaming you for it. Still,*if you want a shot at saving your marriage, you're going to have to be willing to lose it. * By clinging on to your wife while she is cheating, is only pushing her into the arms of her affair partner. She can smell the desparation.

Read up on the 180. Do an advanced site-search on this site. There is a lot of useful information about it. I don't necessarily agree with everything you're going to hear about reading the book No More Mr. Nice Guy (personally, I think it's a lot of tripe) but I do think for some people...ahem - YOU, it might be worth taking a lot of it to heart. You shouldn't be putting up with this from her.

Understand that I'm not trying to sound terse or harsh. I'm just tired but wanted to respond before going to bed. Other people will be here to answer, some more sensitively than I have so hang in there.


----------



## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Are you in the military? You should lay out a background, the circumstances surrounding the affair. Your childhood(?). What compels you to stay with a person who treats you like sh!t on her shoe? etc.... 

You might not like what you're going to read but you're doing exactly the opposite of what you should ideally be doing, not to get your wife back but to maintain your dignity and self respect.

Read No More Mr. Nice Guy


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

What were the horrible things you did to her?

Beyond that. WOMEN.DO.NOT.WANT.WEAK.MEN.

Stop the begging and crying, my friend. You are making yourself less attractive day by day. 

She needs to decide NOW. She will not stop unless it is clear to her that you will leave her. Because you deserve more.

And im sorry you are here.


----------



## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Sorry to say it's not a marriage anymore, it's madness. You stated the affair is continuing under your very nose for 2 years. How long till you do something about it, 10 years, 20 years? Wallow in your self pity if you want or just divorce her and move on.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

jarhead, 

I believe I can clear this up for you. You and your wife are married. That means she stood up in front of friends and family (and if you believe that way, God), and promised to give 100% of her affection and loyalty to ONLY YOU. You also promised the same to her. That means neither one of you should be giving any portion of affection or loyalty to any other human being. 

Now I don't care if she thinks you should be supportive, help her out, or kiss her sweet be-hiney. As long as she is giving any portion of her affection....or loyalty... to another man, she is breaking her vows and being unfaithful. And to make matters worse, she is trying to convince you that YOU are to blame for her decisions!

Son (I call you son because I'm like in my 50's and I assume being in the service, you may be a younger fella), don't let this woman grab you by the danglies and twist like that! You may have done some things that were not Mr. Wonderful--and my guess is that if she came on her and told her side, she'd sing a song about being left alone to deal with everything by herself and you were angry with her so she turned to someone who understood her--but that in no way, shape or form justifies unfaithfulness. 

So here's the way it is. Stop groveling and trying to "win" her in some contest. She is your WIFE not a circus prize. And she can either honor her promises 100% (and nothing less) or she can walk. Period. There is no middle ground. It's crystal clear. Either she chooses to uphold the promise she made to you and forsake all others...or she doesn't. If she doesn't...you can stop footing her bill and let the other man have her!


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

So divorce is an option but she has thrown it out that shes getting it so many times and doesnt i feel no backing unless i just do it and get papers. 

as for why should she change? I mean in all reality i feel since i have stuck it out, tried and been there and done all i can should be a reason to atleast commit to me asking her to stop the affair and start with trying to fix this marriage. Yes she has tried and said she stopped the affair but it was never trully visable to me or long enough to make a diffrence. In her words i tried and i stopped it but you didnt change so i went back.

I have tried to stop cattering to her but then i get sucked back into, your not there for me or you dont help me out at home, i do everything, i always plan everything, i always have our daughter. 
Now yes i dont do a huge helping on the house chores because i work atleast 10 horus a day and she is a stay at home more but with that said there are plenty of times i have cleaned the whole house or regularly help with house chores, keep my messes cleaned up. and nights when i get off at 3 am i will still pick up anything laying around and clean ( disinfect and scrub) areas of those house that need it. All simply to lighten her load and to be nice. 
As for daughter yes i dont get up at 9am with her since i normaly am finally asleep at earliest 3 to 4am. due to my work scehdual and time to wind down. She will get upset and angry when my daughter will be yelling for me to wake up or she needs help with something because i have fallen asleep on couch and once i wake up and see i pass right back out because i am so tired. My wife is also asleep on other couch telling me to get up instead of letting me sleep. Now i also for the logest time got up at 10 or 9 with my daugther let my wife sleep in and start the whole day but i ended up pushing myself so far i no longer can seem to do this. 

As for planning yes i dont do much if any of this because what i plan or want to do as a family are stupid or changed by my wife becase well lets do this or i was thinking we do this. 

for me not being there its times where she needs me for support like crying and histerical but i am at a loss of what to do or say mainly because what i normaly do or what she has told me to do in past ends up still making her more upset with me. Also alot of time its upset because of something like us fighting and she wants me to always wants me to give in and not be mad or angry because she needs me now i have to say yes she needs me be there for her but also what about what im feeling or maybe i also am in need. Or another example is after fighting and me telling her i couldnt do it anymore and walking to a friends and her coming over begging me to come home in an hateful angry begging i would not because i couldnt do more fighting and arguing. she took pills to OD and when i came home and called 911 i stayed home while my daughter slept (middle of night like 2 am) and went to hospital next morning when i was allowed to see her. To her i abandoned her and wasnt there for her. That is a very brief version of this situation but i did what i felt was best as a hole and my daughter did not need drug out of bed and put through this situation. 

Back ground of affair short version because im at work. Started about 2 years ago because i was distant and wasnt meeting her needs attention, feeling loved, or wanted. and i did not change with all her trying. yes she did try but for some reason i was depressed to explain the best and did not see most of the attempts but i feel i was doing a good job at being a husband and partner. But as time went on it was more visable and caused more that i wasnt doing for her and alot more pain. She also now has stopped trying to hide it and is now pregnant from this guy. ALso she got pregnant twice previous with him (could be mine but dont really think so) She had abortion both times as a show that she wanted to fix us and she said to have cut all from him but i knew they still talked some and it wasnt for very long but sice i didnt change she continued. 

I have to stop now because of work. Ask questions and i will add more as soon as i can.


----------



## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Dude,e your wife is a psycho and I'm being polite here.

Get your daughter away from this woman before she ends up like mommy dearest. I'm telling you, this is not the average run of the mill cheating wife you're having to deal with. You should take your daughter and leave and I mean right now.


----------



## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

There is nothing you can do for your wife or for your marriage, absolutely nothing. She isn't even treating you as a human. All you can do is move on. Let her OD as many times as she wants, just keep calling the 911. You are afraid she'll OD again, I'm afraid you might OD. You have taken as much abuse as possible. Don't do this to yourself before are either institutionalized or become a suicide case.


----------



## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

Cant believe it----
Why do peaple permit therselfs to go trough this? What convinces a man to have low self respect? This is something I will never understand... is something wrong with me or are most OP so blind and
masochists??
2 Year affaire and you are still struggling on what to do? You even exept the blame for all this?? REALLY???
Sorry--- i feel ashamed for you! I apoligize for being pxssed from how you handle this situation.
good luck


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

I can't understand why I continue with this after feeling I have tried and tried to turn things around. I struggle with it every day. He** I can't tell you honestly why I want to try other than I love her and I married her and that bond is a lot for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

jarhead said:


> I can't understand why I continue with this after feeling I have tried and tried to turn things around. I struggle with it every day. He** I can't tell you honestly why I want to try other than I love her and I married her and that bond is a lot for me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


PSYCHOLOGICALLY DEPENDENT?
I dont want to beat you on this, but for me you need to wake up and fast....


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

so i agree and im waking up more each day lately and starting to understand more and more. Like now she told me what i was doing when she was asleep.

I half asleep this morning came up stairs and my wife was laying in bed her back at edge of bed. trying to be nice and affectionate i crawled in as easy as possible i woke her up before i could get very close so i stopped and was looking at her telling her i was trying to lay with her. she then was awake and mad for it so got up. 

Jumping ahead to tonight texcting her a minute ago we were tlaking about it and she told me strait out to stop kidding myself i was not trying to lay with her i was just crawling into bed because she had her back at the edge of the bed and i was staring at her when she woke. i just was waking her up so she could take care of our daughter. Really how can she tell me what i was doing or trying to do?

i dont understand this thinking really.


----------



## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

jarhead said:


> so i agree and im waking up more each day lately and starting to understand more and more. Like now she told me what i was doing when she was asleep.
> 
> I half asleep this morning came up stairs and my wife was laying in bed her back at edge of bed. trying to be nice and affectionate i crawled in as easy as possible i woke her up before i could get very close so i stopped and was looking at her telling her i was trying to lay with her. she then was awake and mad for it so got up.
> 
> ...



then how to convince her that wrong thinking? 
I already know what I would do, but I would like to know from you what are your next steps-
From here we can understand better and try to give you a better advice


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

jack.c said:


> then how to convince her that wrong thinking?
> I already know what I would do, but I would like to know from you what are your next steps-
> From here we can understand better and try to give you a better advice


to be honest im about to tell her simply we need to stay separated and i will continue staying at my parents. ( was at the house to see her dad and fix a tranny) I am half tempted to just get papers because i also just asked her about marriage counsling and she said she has to much on her plate right now.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Jarhead, your situation has been very well summed up and good advice given by Affaircare and you should pay attention to it. I'll chime in now with my summary and 2 cents worth of advice.

Let's look at your wife first:


She is a liar and a cheat who has successfully deceived you for 2 years.
She has put you and your kids at risk for all of this time and continues to do so.
She is a cake eater who will keep you around as Plan B.
She will justify her behaviour by finding fault with you and then shifting the blame on to you (rewriting your marital history if necessary). You may or may not have been the best husband and that may or may not have caused problems in the marriage. However, only she is responsible for her affair - not you!
She will not change the current situation because she has no reason to. Why should she? She has you to provide for her, babysit, help with the house and be her punching bag/doormat and she has the POSOM to get her rocks off with as well as form an emotional attachment to and play at "being in love" with.
She is not the woman you married (or think you married) anymore and you need to stop treating her as such.

What you need to do:


You need to accept that this marriage is broken and that she broke it by cheating.
You need to get ready and be prepared to leave her - you have to be ready to lose her even if you decide to reconcile later. If you go into this not ready to lose her you will not succeed at whatever you try to do with her.
She cannot attempt to reconcile until the affair is truly over, the POSOM is out of the picture (she is 100% NC with him), and she owns her cheating as her own fault. She has to tell you the whole truth and answer any of your questions. She has to be completely transparent in her communications and actions. Only then can she really see what she has done and show (by actions not words) true remorse. If any of these do not happen you cannot reconcile.
Once she has really broken it off, told you the whole truth, owned her wrongdoing and shown true remorse, you can decide what you want to do - D or R.
If she doesn't do these things, go straight to D - do not hesitate.
In the meantime do not engage her - do the 180, work on healing yourself, take care of your kids, protect your self and kids financially, physically and emotionally.

No doubt others will chime in with how to find out if she is still cheating, how to find out if she is lying to you etc. Also you will get advice on protecting yourself through legal means and how to do the 180 properly to heal yourself. Stay strong and true to yourself. Good luck.


----------



## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

jarhead said:


> to be honest im about to tell her simply we need to stay separated and i will continue staying at my parents. ( was at the house to see her dad and fix a tranny) I am half tempted to just get papers because i also just asked her about marriage counsling and she said she has to much on her plate right now.


Well that seems to be one first step...
In the meanwhile stop doing favors, stop trying to deal with her and start getting the D. papers ready....
Once they are ready drop them off with a little note: I'M DONE!

BUT DO IT! And get reay for her crazyness


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jack.c said:


> Cant believe it----
> Why do peaple permit therselfs to go trough this? What convinces a man to have low self respect? This is something I will never understand... is something wrong with me or are most OP so blind and
> masochists??
> 2 Year affaire and you are still struggling on what to do? You even exept the blame for all this?? REALLY???
> ...


Is something wrong with you; Jack? I find it interesting that you felt it necessary to ask that question. 

Yes. To be blunt, there is. 

You seem to lack fellowfeel.

They are stuck in a bad situation because they love their husband or wife. 

Many times the WS seems to act like their normal, loving spouse until, suddenly, it seems, they are taken over by the pod people and totally change into a monster.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Is something wrong with you; Jack? I find it interesting that you felt it necessary to ask that question.
> 
> Yes. To be blunt, there is.
> 
> ...



I try to be OBJECTIVE, I put myself in the shoes of those who betray and who is betrayed! 
If I see that the situation is recoverable are the first to cheer for an R. 
I myself have been betrayed and in a really cruel way .... despite the love I had for my fiancie I realized that I would never be healed, R was a situation out any possibility. It was useless to be in a bad situation! I had to break off any relationship, work on my self, feel better and move on .... 
If then over time I could forgive then I would of made ​​a new beginning, otherwise each one of us should go in his own way ....
lack followfeel? maybe .... or maybe I'm realistic, or rational, or just an axxhole who hates seeing OP's getting beat and keeping up with it.


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Most men do not tolerate this, and there is nothing wrong with respectfully pointing that out.

And this is NOT love This is co-dependacy on a grand and shocking scale.

OP you need therapy. I am serious. 

And frankly, your wife sounds awful on every level.

Start doing your job and protect your child, by ending this, and getting far away from your wife.

Ill say it one last time: Therapy.


----------



## Perfectstorm (Feb 11, 2014)

jarhead said:


> to be honest im about to tell her simply we need to stay separated and i will continue staying at my parents. ( was at the house to see her dad and fix a tranny) I am half tempted to just get papers because i also just asked her about marriage counsling and she said she has to much on her plate right now.


Jarhead.... I can sympathize more than you know! I just got done running that marathon and handed you my shoes!

Affaircare was spot on, as many here are. What is hard to accept is that you are still you, and she is not still her! Your marriage isn't broken, that would suggest that it could be fixed. No, your marriage is like mine it was... Blown to pieces by infidelity!

The only thing you are clinging to is the past, she already rewrote the next chapter of the book, your character died.

If this comes across to blunt, it was intended to. I spent far to long wallowing in a pity party of my own making, meanwhile loosing my self respect and the respect of......well pretty much everybody!

It's hard, no question about it! Find strength in yourself and walk out the door, head high, chest out, finger up, and a  on!


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

Perfectstorm said:


> Jarhead.... I can sympathize more than you know! I just got done running that marathon and handed you my shoes!
> 
> Affaircare was spot on, as many here are. What is hard to accept is that you are still you, and she is not still her! Your marriage isn't broken, that would suggest that it could be fixed. No, your marriage is like mine it was... Blown to pieces by infidelity!
> 
> ...


What I fight so much is trying to see the truth in everything now I know truth is affair no matter not ok and no ones fault but the one having the affair. But im trying to see the truth in how can it be made out so specifically and in detail that im so bad and do so wrong when deep down I feel I am far from that. 

With that said I have decided in myself to do whatever I can to move myself forward even if there has been no papers yet. I want to better myself here and now. I want to strengthen that base I have so I have my own two feet to stand on once again. 

I come here for that help. I do appreciate what has already been given an in no way want it to stop. Helps a lot to see things as they are and motivates me. Blunt is ok to me I prefer it. 

I am attempting to find the book no more mister nice guy locally but no luck so far.


manfromlamancha thank you for your post I appricaite your help.


----------



## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Miss Taken said:


> It's late so excuse me for being blunt. The short of it is that you're going to have to STOP trying to please your wife. You are acting like a doormat and doormats aren't sexy.
> 
> Your wife doesn't have any consequences for having an affair so why should she stop it? The things you resist persist. I can't understand what's so good about your wife that you want to fix this after she's shown you complete disrespect by having an affair, gaslighting and blaming you for it. Still,*if you want a shot at saving your marriage, you're going to have to be willing to lose it. * By clinging on to your wife while she is cheating, is only pushing her into the arms of her affair partner. She can smell the desparation.
> 
> ...


I agree 100%.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

jarhead said:


> *She also now has stopped trying to hide it and is now pregnant from this guy. ALso she got pregnant twice previous with him *(could be mine but dont really think so) She had abortion both times as a show that she wanted to fix us


Unbelievable.

Jarhead; It's not unusual for BS's to come to TAM who honestly don't have a clue as to how much of a doormat they are being. But if your story is real, you are the worst I've seen in a while.

She's pregnant with his child and been pregnant twice before? Still in contact with him? Are you kidding me?

She's a loser. You need to divorce her. Go see a lawyer - today. Then get into counseling. You need to find out why you're so co-dependent on this cheater. You need to get your confidence and self respect back; so that in your next relationship, this doesn't happen to you again.


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

jarhead said:


> So divorce is an option but she has thrown it out that shes getting it so many times and doesnt i feel no backing unless i just do it and get papers.


^THIS. She has told you *exactly* why you do need to file for divorce and be willing to follow through with it. 



jarhead said:


> as for why should she change? I mean in all reality i feel since i have stuck it out, tried and been there and done all i can should be a reason to atleast commit to me asking her to stop the affair and start with trying to fix this marriage.


This is all logical and morally sound and everything but depending on her to see that you’ve stuck through it through thick and thin is completely wrong. Affairs are illogical; affairs are situations where one person in the marriage is willing to go against their morals. In my family, we say, "You can't argue with crazy." *You cannot beg, plead, implore, logic or reason your spouse out of an affair.* Just because affair has the word “fair” in it, doesn’t make it so.




jarhead said:


> Yes she has tried and said she stopped the affair but it was never trully visable to me or long enough to make a diffrence. In her words i tried and i stopped it but you didnt change so i went back.


Do you see how completely entitled your wife is? She is willfully sh!tting on you and being a horrible wife. Yet she expects you to change and jump through hoops to please her, to make her stop sh!tting on you so you can win her back. She doesn’t cheat because you are not the perfect husband, she cheats because she likes it and gets away with it and knows that you’ll take the blame for her choices and wonder how you can do a better job to keep her.



jarhead said:


> I have tried to stop cattering to her but then i get sucked back into, your not there for me or you dont help me out at home, i do everything, i always plan everything, i always have our daughter... i work atleast 10 horus a day and she is a stay at home more but with that said there are plenty of times i have cleaned the whole house or regularly help with house chores, keep my messes cleaned up. and nights when i get off at 3 am i will still pick up anything laying around and clean ( disinfect and scrub) areas of those house that need it. All simply to lighten her load and to be nice.


This is a 180 degree change that you can and should make right now. Why in the hell is the house dirty if she’s home all day? She made a choice to be a stay at home mom so that IS her job. Does she come to your job and work to lighten your load? I don’t think so. No, I don’t want to go back into the 1950s. Yes, you should do SOME housework because it’s nice (as well as pick up after yourself because you are an adult and that’s what adults do). However, since she’s home, taking care of the house and being a primary caregiver IS HER JOB and she’s not doing it. 

A lot of women forget that their husbands also do most of the grunt work around the house – fixing/maintain cars, household repairs, snow shoveling, cleaning the gutters, renovations, mowing the lawn, hanging the Christmas lights checking the bumps in the night etc. that women don’t usually have to do. Don’t let her forget that you do those things (if you do them). Just because you aren’t scrubbing bathtubs doesn’t mean that you don’t already do housework or chores if you do the above so give yourself credit where it’s due. 

But don’t come home and play _Molly Maid_ for your wife. Just stop it. In fact, if the house is a consistent mess, confront her on it, ask her what she was doing all day. I am currently a SAHM, my house is clean, the laundry is done, delicious meals are cooked and I spend time with my kids going to activities/play groups. So I “work” all day. Their dad also takes care of the kids/does things around the house when he is home but for the most part, that’s “my job” because I’m home and that’s what SAHMs do. If your wife can’t handle that, she needs to get a job and then BOTH of you take equal responsibility for your daughter and the housework.

Take care of your daughter. Don’t do this for your wife, do this because YOUR DAUGHTER DESERVES IT. Actually, spend A LOT more time with your daughter as much as you can. Get involved in a play group, socialize and be seen to be socializing with your daughter and other parents/kids. Not only will it help your daughter so much in life to have a great relationship with her dad (it’s actually something that can benefit her self-esteem, self-worth and prevent her from relying on a teenage boy to do that for her when she’s older) it will establish yourself as a good parent in the eyes of the community which is important.

Being a good father and being seen to be one is important if/when sh!t hits the fan. *You need to be prepared for a nasty custody battle.* You need to get proactive now and get people on your side that can vouch for you as a good dad. She has been getting a free ride off of you while spreading her legs for another man; expect her to try to take her money’s worth in a divorce as well as full custody so she can abuse child support and spousal support. From the sounds of it, your wife also isn’t mentally stable. I’m not a psychiatrist but I suspect some kind of personality disorder (histrionic personality or borderline personality disorder perhaps). You may need to step up and be the primary caregiver/get full custody of your daughter if you divorce. Put yourself in the best position possible to fight for and protect your daughter. That's number 1.

Your daughter deserves more from a mother than....



jarhead said:


> She will get upset and angry when my daughter will be yelling for me to wake up or she needs help with something because i have fallen asleep on couch and once i wake up and see i pass right back out because i am so tired. My wife is also asleep on other couch telling me to get up instead of letting me sleep.


 Again, she’s a stay at home mom, she should be getting up 90% of the time.



jarhead said:


> Or another example is after fighting and me telling her i couldnt do it anymore and walking to a friends and her coming over begging me to come home in an hateful angry begging i would not because i couldnt do more fighting and arguing. she took pills to OD and when i came home and called 911 i stayed home while my daughter slept (middle of night like 2 am) and went to hospital next morning when i was allowed to see her. To her i abandoned her and wasnt there for her. That is a very brief version of this situation but i did what i felt was best as a hole and my daughter did not need drug out of bed and put through this situation.


You used good judgment. Your daughter is your first priority. She doesn’t need to see her mother in that state. That could scar your daughter for life to see her mother like that.



jarhead said:


> Back ground of affair...Started about 2 years ago because i was distant and wasnt meeting her needs attention, feeling loved, or wanted. and i did not change with all her trying. yes she did try but for some reason i was depressed to explain the best and did not see most of the attempts but i feel i was doing a good job at being a husband and partner.


*The narrative your wife has gotten you to believe about why she cheated and is cheating on you is BULL SH!T. * 

EVERY CHEATER BLAMES THEIR SPOUSE! It's in the script. Gaslighting, deflecting, projecting and other forms of emotional abuse and manipulation are also in the Cheater Script. We call it a "script" here because while the circumstances are different, every cheating story here is the same, they ALL say and do the same things as if they've rehearsed it all from the same screenplay.

No, you might not be the perfect husband but she is far from a decent, never mind perfect, never mind good wife. The sooner you stop believing that her affair is your fault, the sooner you can begin to change your life for the better. Being cheated on is traumatic, experiencing depression after being betrayed is normal. You don’t seem to allow yourself to feel, have feelings, have needs. It’s all about your wife. What about you? You matter too Jarhead.



jarhead said:


> She also now has stopped trying to hide it and is now pregnant from this guy. ALso she got pregnant twice previous with him (could be mine but dont really think so) She had abortion both times as a show that she wanted to fix us and she said to have cut all from him but i knew they still talked some and it wasnt for very long but sice i didnt change she continued.


I hate to say it but you should get a DNA test for your daughter. They can be bought online, my BIL got one for his ex girlfriend’s daughter (after he raised her as his own of course) and sadly, the child wasn’t his. Getting not one but two abortions and being pregnant again by the affair partner? Unbelievable. Holy Fvcking Sh!t. What is your limit man? You need to find your anger.


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

jarhead said:


> I can't understand why I continue with this after feeling I have tried and tried to turn things around. I struggle with it every day. He** I can't tell you honestly why I want to try other than I love her and I married her and that bond is a lot for me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think doormats (sorry to call you names) are born, they are made. Usually the ability to eat a lot of sh!t sandwiches served up by a spouse or partner stems from your childhood or family of origin. Children learn enabling and codependent behaviours from having a maladaptive childhood/parents. 

It could stem from witnessing/experiencing child abuse, being a victim of your own parents history of cheating on each other, having a narcissistic parent, having a parent with a mental, character disorder or personality disorder, parents that are addicts, obsessive gamblers, alcoholics etc.

Either way, you're an enabler and not coming from a healthy place because if you were, you wouldn't tolerate her cheating/pregnancies nor blame yourself for her actions. The good news is that you can change that. The bad news is old habits die hard. You have to be willing to change yourself otherwise what you allow will continue.



jarhead said:


> to be honest im about to tell her simply we need to stay separated and i will continue staying at my parents. ( was at the house to see her dad and fix a tranny) I am half tempted to just get papers because i also just asked her about marriage counsling and she said she has to much on her plate right now.


Why do you have to move? Have you discussed her affairs with her dad? If you need to separate, you should do so but moving out could hurt you in the event of a divorce. Your wife should have to move out because she is the one that is cheating, not you. Moving and letting her have the house is just another reward for her cheating. You have rights too. 

Your marriage is in more than a crisis. This is a nuclear disaster. She's not willing to stop cheating, she's also not willing to go to counseling with you. It tells you that she doesn't give two sh!ts. Lawyer up man. Consultations are free, find out your rights and what you'd be up against in a divorce. Don't jeopardize yourself or your rights before you've been informed of what recourse you have. 

NO MORE MR NICE GUY.

Download it here for free.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Jarhead - I know this is your nickname and you don't have military experience, but I dealt with a soldier in Iraq that was just like you. His wife walked all over him. She had multible affairs, at least one of their two children were not his and he found out while we were in Iraq that she was pregnant again to another man. He was upset but did not want to leave his wife.

He asked her to go see their pastor and she did. This was about the worse case of a BS being a doormat that I ever witnessed. After we came home from Iraq I would talk to him from time to time and he said that he was staying in the M even though his pastor said there was no hope for her.

This guy had 0 (zero) self esteem.

Your wife has severe mental issues, the suicide attempt, the cutting, the blatant A's and the fact that she is flaunting it in your face. And add the arguing between her and family members, like this is a Jerry Springer show.

Jarhead - I really believe you have a case to get custody of your daughter. But you need someone to help you. If you can get a professional, like a Social Worker to guide you through this and help you document how crazy your wife is. 

1. Get a professional to help you.

2. Carry a VAR on you at all times and don't let her know you have it.

3. Get tested for STD's.

4. Get good legal advice.

5. Do the 180.

6.I suspect that your wife has a mental disorder and all this is putting your daughter at risk.
Start carrying a VAR on you at all times


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Look. The longer you let her get away with her ways, the harder it will be for you.

Your first and biggest mistake was taking her back when she had the affair.

She not only screwed the guy, she had UNPROTECTED SEX WITH HIM! Not only did she have unprotected sex with him but HE GOT HER PREGNANT HOW MANY TIMES NOW?

Come on man. How many times do you need to be kicked in the gut before you say enough? Affair. Unprotected sex. The guy knocks her up. 

What is there to save. Well, you and your daughter comes to mind. You better come to grips with this situation and realize that it's a no win situation. 

This is what you need to do. Find a lawyer and file for divorce. get this woman out of your life. With her track record, you stand a real good chance in keeping your daughter because that woman has serious problems and it's already taking it's toll on you. One of you has to be the stable parent and if it continues, neither one of you will be and then you both have kicked the kid in the gut and your daughter deserves a whole lot better than she's getting. 

Wise up. Grow up and do the right thing if not for you then the kid before it's too late.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP you will not nice her out of her affair and back to you. 

Your best bet is to file for D and do a serious 180. 

Either she gets her head out of the so called fog or she gets left behind. Stop doing stuff for her or her family. It just makes you look weak and pathetic. Neither are desirable traits. 

Good luck
Be strong 
Wd
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

She has brainwashed you to believe that you are a bad husband and that this means that she has every right to have another man, a man whose baby she is having. Are you expected to raise this child? Has she brainwashed you there, too? Think of the poor child, growing up with this horrible dysfunction.

You and your WW both need help, in my opinion, but of a different type. If you can, implement a 180 to try to get a healthier perspective. And then actually get those official papers that you talk about. If you need to have them in hand to start the process of freeing yourself from her, then get them.


----------



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Miss Taken said:


> It's late so excuse me for being blunt. The short of it is that you're going to have to STOP trying to please your wife. You are acting like a doormat and doormats aren't sexy.


Exactly.

jarhead, we are on your side, so believe me when I say I mean no offense by what I'm about to say.

But your wife cheats on you and then has you eating out of her hand. You have been gaslighted somehow into thinking this is your fault and that YOU are the one that has to fix the fact she is a POS cheater.

STOP being nice and start showing her you won't put up with this, and if it doesn't stop you will divorce her sorry ass.

I'm not saying that if you stay in the marriage that you don't have any work on your part to do, but the burden of fixing this is on her, NOT YOU!! 

She has you wrapped around her little finger and knows she can keep on cheating and have you blubbering all over her and acting exactly how she wants. Don't give a cheater that power!


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

Ok i have taking your advice and inquired for 3 people near me one being my dad to help me stay focused, contact me atleast once a day to motivate/ keep me on track, and remind me i am doing the right thing. 

I am setting our spare room up for myself, getting a running vehicle that my daughter can be in safely ( i break my trucks playing), getting papers in hand, and getting my daily life in order. This is my starting point as an easy thing to jump start my focus and needs. 
Also i have printed out and will start reading the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" today.

I feel very good about this i just need to cary this strength and motivation out of my time at work ( alot stronger and focused on me at work and when away from my wife) and keep it going strong at home and in my daily life. 

I ask from everyone please any support, comments, advice, motivcation, and still same insight on what you see from my post's. 

Thank you all very much it has helped alot.


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Good start. Stick to it and you will survive this.


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

And Jarhead, do get some therapy.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

Therapy i go once a week aslong as i can keep up on the bill. Has been two weeks since ive gone due to money. But will be going as soon as i can. Also going to check into a friends church to see if they offer free services.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

MISSTAKEN- I hate to say it but you should get a DNA test for your daughter. They can be bought online, my BIL got one for his ex girlfriend’s daughter (after he raised her as his own of course) and sadly, the child wasn’t his. Getting not one but two abortions and being pregnant again by the affair partner? Unbelievable. Holy Fvcking Sh!t. What is your limit man? You need to find your anger. 


To this point sadly enough few months before we found out we were having our daughter ( we were dating at this time) she had cheated on me with this same guy twice. She fell apart found her cutting and she confessed and reasured me all was over it was a mistake and was true in all her words and actions. Once we found she was pregnant it the word spread o its not mine and that caused huge drama but her and her mother reasured everything and so did dates and phone records about contact. I belived and trusted her and her mom at this time and pushed it aside and still belive my daughter is mine.

My question is though at some minimal chance of my daughter truly not mine and is his, could this be a reason she can not get past some contact with this guy of some kind? 

I do belive with the heated, drunken, and angry fights we had if she really knew my daughter was not mine that would of came out as a way to hurt me but it never has. 

I also know i really dont want a test because i dont care what the truth is my daughter is mine and i love the little girl to death and no one will take her away from me.


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Jarhead. 

The hardest thing is to let go of something we just dont want to let go of. Believe me, I only know to well.

The people who have posted have given you great advise, and I hope you follow through. You deserve so much more from your spouse than what your wife is doing to you, and has done to you. Sometimes we just have to realize that the round peg is never going to go into that square hole no matter how much you want it to, pray that it does, or cry real tears to beg it to go in...

I'm sorry you are here, as I too know what it is like living in such uncertainly for 2 years, not a fun way to live. This is real life we are living, there is no dress rehearsal to follow, so make it count as much as you can for you and your daughter. 

-sammy


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> My question is though at some minimal chance of my daughter truly not mine and is his, could this be a reason she can not get past some contact with this guy of some kind?




*I think that the reason that she cannot get past this guy is that she is a very weak and damaged person without any self discipline and loyalty.* Even though you said that you did some bad things to her remember she cheated with this OM before you were married. DO NOT buy into the lie that you made her cheat or that you are to blame for her cheating. You may need to make up for the bad things that you did but her cheating is only on her. She is a serial cheater and I doubt that you can last with clinging to hopes that she gets a LOT better. Her chances are very low at this point.

You will never be enough to fix her; she has to get to the point that she wants to get help and is 100% dedicated to doing what ever gets her a lot better. 

You need to prepare yourself to be separated from her and concentrate ONLY on you and your daughter because you can do very little to nothing to change your wife.
*You have had your self worth driven down by these serial betrayals and 2 year affair and you are compromising way too much on allowing yourself to be brutally disrespected*. Stop the compromising and start building yourself back up and start by choosing accountability and respect over compromise. A weak person like your wife will be enabled by a compromiser. Do what is right for you and your daughter and be willing to choose what is right over compromising and clinging to your wayward wife.

Bottom line is that she is severely damaged and chooses to not get help. You can not do much if anything and the time you spend trying to save her will take away from you and your daughter doing things to get better. IMO, you have to choose; either it is her or you and your daughter. *If you choose her the chances of success is very low. If you choose you and your daughter and do the right things the chance of success is very high.*


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

You need to lawyer up fast and find out what the paternity laws of your state are. In some states, you are responsible for child support for the child if it is born of the marriage, irregardless of who the biological father really is. If that is the case, then you would have to initiate divorce proceedings ASAP.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

lordmayhem said:


> You need to lawyer up fast and find out what the paternity laws of your state are. In some states, you are responsible for child support for the child if it is born of the marriage, irregardless of who the biological father really is. If that is the case, then you would have to initiate divorce proceedings ASAP.


I will look into laws here shortly because i would not think a thing would be possible.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

Does anyone have any iput on why she would be very nice and show signs of trying and carring of me? Why it seems like i am now something she wants and will try to a point but when it seems like it means nothing to me stop?

I might be answer my own question but atleast want to atleast show i am thinking some what clear. 
Is it the fact she seems me slipping away/wants to make sure my needs are met some to keep me around?

Does that mean its fake an no way or chance that her trying can become a constant thing to actually change this marriage around?


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

jarhead said:


> Does anyone have any iput on why she would be very nice and show signs of trying and carring of me?
> 
> Does that mean its fake an no way or chance that her trying can become a constant thing to actually change this marriage around?


The best predictor of her future actions is her past behavior. No matter how remorseful she appears, there is absolutely no reason to believe she will change. *NONE.* Her behavior now is too little too late; even if it is temporarily genuine.

If you truly want to improve your life, you'll follow the advice and divorce her, then get into therapy. No man deserves what you're accepting. You need to understand "why" you have been willing to accept this for so long.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

jarhead said:


> Does anyone have any iput on why she would be very nice and show signs of trying and carring of me? Why it seems like i am now something she wants and will try to a point but when it seems like it means nothing to me stop?
> 
> I might be answer my own question but atleast want to atleast show i am thinking some what clear.
> Is it the fact she seems me slipping away/wants to make sure my needs are met some to keep me around?
> ...


jarhead - you are a very compassionate guy. Your wife is broken. You have weaknesses for trying to stay and fix this. Compassion can be a great virtue but it can also lead to being stomped on and this is what your wife is doing to you.

Stop drinking and fighting with her. Focus on you.

The fact that she is a cutter shows alot of inner pain in your wife. She has poor coping skills and perhaps a personality disorder. She does need help but I would suggest you let her mother handle this, since her mother seems to be on her side in a very stupid way.

*Why does she show signs of being nice, showing signs of trying and caring? And why is see trying to keep you?*

First, as a professional counselor myself, I see this behavior from time to time and it is not always as clear cut as we would like.

When a person like your wife has mental/behavioral issues they may or may not be easy to diagnos. Bi-polar, personality disorder, cutting disorder, etc. can more than likely explains the behaviors but when you add in the fact of the repeated cheating and lack of respect for you and the marriage, I do believe it is time to cut the cord of this marriage. 

Let's say your wife is bi-polar. That diagnosis will explain her moodiness, swings in temperment, etc. My one older brother is bi-polar. But it does not excuse having an affair and the way your wife has been behaving it is totally unacceptable, no matter what her mental/behavioral issues is/are.

I would be careful when you divorce her and I hope you do divorce her. Your wife's emotional state could deteriorate to the point of where she threatens suicide. If she does threaten suicide, do not take this as a way of keeping you in the marriage, don't take it as being fake. Call 911 immediately.

Sometimes suicide can be used as a manipulation tool but no matter the reason, always take the threat seriously.

If I were in your shoes, I would file for divorce and once the papers are delivered, I would contact her mother and say, "Your daughter cuts herself and I am concerned that now we are getting divorced that she may be thinking of killing herself and I want to inform you that you really need to keep a watch on her as I am moving on with my life".

If the above scenerio plays out and I hope it does not go that way, remember you are not responsible for how another person reacts in these cases. If she acts out you get her help and move forward with your life.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

*Re: Re: needing to understand and move forward*



jarhead said:


> I will look into laws here shortly because i would not think a thing would be possible.


Make sure you do it ASAP. There are many horror stories of men having to pay child support for another mans child. Depends on your state laws.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Hypersexuality, fights, wild mood changes, self focus, self harm (cutting) as a coping mechanism, love/hate, pushing away/suddenly reacting to fear of abandonement... another unaware BPDer.
Things can only get worse and worse, trust us. The term "gaslighting" to describe this crazymaking, brainwashing, abusive behavior was originaly baptized by BPD partners. Don't volunteer to be a victim anymore. Acknowledge is power, educate yourself.

Just a little example with solid advice and re direction:
My list of hell!

Take care


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

jarhead said:


> Does anyone have any iput on why she would be very nice and show signs of trying and carring of me? Why it seems like i am now something she wants and will try to a point but when it seems like it means nothing to me stop?
> 
> I might be answer my own question but atleast want to atleast show i am thinking some what clear.
> Is it the fact she seems me slipping away/wants to make sure my needs are met some to keep me around?
> ...


 Because she knows that she just might have pushed you to the limit and your finally seeing her as she really is.

She's afraid that your going to bounce her ass out and it's obvious that she won't be able to cope by herself she'll lose her security so she's going to try hardest to play you for all it's worth and tell you that she wants only you............said the spider to the fly. Be careful.


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

jarhead said:


> Does anyone have any iput on why she would be very nice and show signs of trying and carring of me? Why it seems like i am now something she wants and will try to a point but when it seems like it means nothing to me stop?
> 
> I might be answer my own question but atleast want to atleast show i am thinking some what clear.
> Is it the fact she seems me slipping away/wants to make sure my needs are met some to keep me around?
> ...



You've answered your own question precisely. It is because she is not sincere when she begins. Pleasing you is a means to an end. When she doesn't get the ends she desires she quits. Thorburn also had good insight on this as did others.


Mr. Blunt gave you good insight. I also respect your decision to care for your daughter despite not knowing the paternity. I would however speak to a lawyer about it before you make final decisons. Whether you decide to test or not is inevitably your choice. Your mother-in-law sounds enabling. It seems you're the only hope your daughter has. I really pray she is yours. Something good should come out of this. Children are good.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

So I will respond to posts here shortly...

I'm in need of help quick. If anyone has read no more mr nice guy and remembers about nice guys building up until they explode and destroy everything... that's where I'm at and feeling right now. 
I know what will help in the long run but I'm seeking anything to help bring me down right now if anyone can advise

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Just got back on. Don't do anything stupid and that you will regret. If you can get out of the house. If you are too upset to drive go for a long walk.

No drinking.

Don't explode on her. 

Call crisis intervention if you have to talk to someone.

Things will not get better anytime soon so you got to maintain some type of inner peace while things are all a mess.


----------



## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

jarhead said:


> So I will respond to posts here shortly...
> 
> I'm in need of help quick. If anyone has read no more mr nice guy and remembers about nice guys building up until they explode and destroy everything... that's where I'm at and feeling right now.
> I know what will help in the long run but I'm seeking anything to help bring me down right now if anyone can advise
> ...


where are you?
can you go to a friend's house to calm down?

listen to thorburn - no drinking!


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

Im at work now and can talk to couple people here but being a lead means im needed by everyone here for something ontop of that the other lead on my shift is gone today until monday so means more people to need something.

I have only had one beer in almost a month. I have decided myself that drinking is not a good idea for me at all for a good while.


----------



## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

jarhead said:


> Im at work now and can talk to couple people here but being a lead means im needed by everyone here for something ontop of that the other lead on my shift is gone today until monday so means more people to need something.
> 
> I have only had one beer in almost a month. I have decided myself that drinking is not a good idea for me at all for a good while.


at least you have work to keep you busy.
and well done on not drinking!


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Good news Jarhead, you are going to pull yourself together because there is nowhere but up right now. Either you will divorce your dysfunctional wife or reconcile with her. Divorce will hurt for a period but clearly you can continue in the save vein. Reconciliation can only happen if you wife quits the affair and is remorseful.

Would you like her to straighten up and fly right? Of course. However, the reality is you cannot fix her. She must fix herself. You can start repairing your life by taking care of yourself.

You will get advice on how to do it here. Have you read about the 180?


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

so have not had a moments time to fully read and respond to post until now. 

Lastnight was another confusing and crap night to say the least. 2 hours of sleep and a conversation at 4 am about a situation we needed to adress about a women and dog that has no where else to go and dog will be put down unless the women find a place to go. lots of detail behing this but not alot needed to explain the point of my frutration.

wife is passionite about this dog because she saved it and rehomed it with this women over 2 years ago. ( my wife is very passionate and very strong about saving and showing the good in pit bulls, so am i but in my eyes see the bigger picture of our situation here and now. We also have 3 pits of our own) So i voiced my concerns, 

safety of daughter and our dogs since the dog coming into home was not very good with kids when we had him before and only ok with other dogs at the time and my pit is uncut, young and can be aggresive with other males in the house
Not needing someone living here as our life is in shambles
Women has a medical marijuana card and did not want it smoked in the room since my daughter was in the next room and eventhough im one that sees no real harm in weed i still know legal issues can come of it even with the women having a card. lastly that since she is home and takes care of house and is pregnant another person and dog at the house will add more to her load and stress which is nothing but hurting herslef more

Me stating these turned to statments of 
-i always point out negative and never offer possible solutions to make things work
-i dont see it as someone in need and has nowhere else to turn and we have means to help 
-I dont do anything at the house anyway and she(my wife) does everything and figures out everything so it shouldnt matter to me
-We are suposed to be separated but i keep finding reasons to stay at the house or invite myself over for the night
- she makes it work becuase someone needs her and i shouldnt care
- she always gives ways things could work out or soultions and i point out bad/problems/negative.

Which i returned with 
- i point out my concerns because thats what i see first and i was not able to explain or talk before she jumped in with "you always see negative"
- I was staying at the house because of work i had to do at the house, daughters preschool interview today, her dad in town. But why couldnt i jsut come over in the morning like you did last week she asked with a pause then adding o wait you didnt. Which was due to sleeping in past my work start time and because she was leaving to the beach with her friend that morning.
- and im thinking of the family and our home life that is in shambles and i dont feel it is a good idea.
-to her comment of her posative me negative in this situation i attempted to point out that to me, yes im point out bad first, but since i show bad parts and she has soulutions shouldnt that be a good mix to find a compromise and see all side... good marriage/relationship communication..



so i have pulled a conversation from us talking before i left work lastnight that had me blown away and no idea how to take it.
I have changed his name to OM and have colored the text for my texts and hers are plain.

Little back story to how this started. She sent me pictures of baby items off craigslist and i only responded with those are cute or i really like. she responded "sorry i shouldnt be sending you those things"
i returned with no im glad your sharing 
her- are you sure?
me- yes
her- why?
me- because it shows to me you value my though and feel comfortable to share things with me
her- i try

everything below is what followed.

Me- i know but a lot lately you have kept in or from me. Idk why if afraid or because it has to do with stuff that might upset me. I just know alot is kept secret from me or at least feels that way

Her-i am alone in all this, between us, between OM and i..am on my own and i don't see anyone really changing it so what am i supposed to do i am too exhausted to fight i am too exhausted to do anything but fu**ing the bare minimum

Me- I understand that there is alot and things are a mess. I'm not asking you to do anything I was just answering your question

Her-and i am answering whatever it was u were saying 

Me-OK just seemed angry in it because of "fu**ing" but I know now your not intending it that way

Her-frustration 

Me-Yeah I see that.

Her-hard for me
hard cuz i am so angry with you but then never see OM

Me-What do you mean by that? Angry with me but also angry cuz don't see OM?

Her-i guess its like i truly cant trust you even when i try or want to...then i trust OM but he aint even here so its like f*** both of u

Me-I honestly don't know what to say to that

Her-idk its hard for me because i am mad because i wanted this with u but u basically threw up ur hands (i added this now-i didn’t care, promised I would stop chewing to be more fertile to better chances of a baby between us once things got better-she had promised her and him were over as long as we were married-this was after second abortion, but I didn’t stop chewing , so in her eyes it was a slap in the face and I didn’t care enough to do that little thing of stop chewing when she had an abortion for the second time to save our marriage and prove she wanted to save our marriage) then with him he’s just not ****ing here or does not have his **** together, i get he is trying but idk im sick of constantly being the responsible one all the ****ing time


I did not respond after that and it was dropped other than her asking later that night when i got home. and i simply said i never got a chance to fully read her last message because of work and forgot till she just mentioned it. this was because it was 4am and i did not want to talk about it 

ok any insight on anything i have posted. or just how i handled the conversation anything please.


----------



## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

i really don't know what to say bc there is no fkin way i'd still be with her carrying the OM's baby. i wouldn't live with that pain. and despite what i said about not drinking, i'd be hitting the bottle hard if that was my situation.

my advice - 180, lawyer up and move her cheating ass out. 

she sent you pics of baby stuff? is this for real or are you winding us up? what a cruel, despicable woman.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Quotes of Jarhead
> 
> Does anyone have any ideas on where to start from here or what I can do or simple to help me start understanding
> 
> ...






*YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN GREAT ADVICE!!! However, advice alone is not going to get you better because you are the key in you getting better.*


The problem is that you are too weak or refuse to take the proper action. We will continue to give you as much support as we can but you are going to have to get stronger and stop being so dependant and allowing yourself to be treated like a door mat! The disrespect that you have allowed is making you weaker by the day.

Jarhead, I have been a BS and have dealt with infidelity. Furthermore, most of the people that have responded you have also been through infidelity either being a BS or a WS.


You said that you have a counselor that you go to. GET back to him/her IMMEDIAYTLY to get some in person help. *The bottom line is that nothing is going to change for the better until YOU TAKE SOME RIGHT ACTIONS!!!!*

Millions have done it and so can you!!!


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

I appreciate your words and I know I am weak and need to step up and I start to but its to the point of I'm strong and get stronger while at work (away from her) then get home all is OK but fall back into submission when faced with me "doing something wrong" and get hitting every word to make me believe that I did do wrong in the situation or since now I did this wrong and it was actually wrong and she has (to me) gone over board on proving I did wrong and making point I did wrong and I should of done this or that. That I can't start to even think my own thoughts. Now I know I'm confessing a lot of lack of being a human and simply giving in because I have no strength left. 
I even know I'm trully just almost nothing because I can't pick up and fix myself or get out of this. 

I have to put out out there also that I do take all of your help and advice to heart and I'm trying so hard to apply and make the changes needed but somehow I cant seem to keep it changed or apply them when ina situation I should be using what I'm learning. 

Crazy to say what came to mind as I wrote that last paragraph was...

My wife saying you keep saying your trying but you don't do anything (and I can't give any examples other than attempting to show I care by little acts like asking how she is doing or trying to lighten her load or even just hug before I leave or simply staying to try and work things out) she will also say I tell you what you need to do( hug me, tell me I'm beautiful, comfort me when I'm crying or upset, defend me, be a part of this family. Etc..) but you never do those things or when you do there at inappropriate times.

I do say I'm trying and there is no huge dramatic change and in a way because she says what she needs and no matter what I try to do or learn to do its not enough and I can't voice or explain what I'm trying. 

Sorry voicing what I'm thinking. Sometimes I feel as if I'm the crazy one and all that she says I do wrong is true and doesn't justify cheating but I still feel like all I do is wrong but then I question " how can I really be this bad" there is no way. That's why I'm hear now on this forum.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Your post almost seems unbelievable. I'd say you were a troll but that is only after I have read a lot more on this website. I would be more apt to believe your story if I wasn't armed with the information from this site. For the people that have been here for awhile, it's hard to believe that what your letting happen is actually true. 

Honestly, I blindly did a 180 and didn't know what it was. I could have used some pointers. I wish I would have came her first but in the end my dignity is intact.

I personally wouldn't respond to txt with her unless its child related or she talking about fixing your marriage. DO THE 180, your not doing it yet. You have to man up, if your story is true and your not a troll. Don't let that b!itch walk on you. You've been blinded by her bs and you need to wake up and smell reality. Get into IC, do the 180 and get your balls back.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

Sadly yes all this is true. And Idk and anyone close to me doereally wish I had come here sooner and I wish I didn't ever give in long long ago and saw the light. 

All I know is I pour thoughts and situations out here on hopes with all the backing and information I'm getting I can somehow save myself. 

I have never gone into detail like this with anyone ever just bits and pieces. Its helping but also in a way damaging because I see what I have become and allowed. 
I honestly have been told its no ones businesses because its between me and my wife and that I'm playing her out as this horrible person that she is not when I talk to people because I don't explain all I have done to make her feel or act or do things. 

I even one day had two of her friends confront me about it on Facebook and then ask to come to my work to talk in person. I knew coming to work was not a good idea but said it was OK. What they explained were all things for the most I knew already but one of the things was that my wife was on drugs I didn't believe it and said just that. Also that the other guy was probably at my house. I had not known of him at my house before this night and it inferiayed me. I rushed hone to find house empty hacked into her Facebook to find nothing. I called her and told her to get hone. When she got home I explained the nights events. And it ended up turned into I shouldn't have gone to her friends and I betrayed her and was such a horrible person for this how could I do that. How could I not stand up to these people and tell them she wasn't on drugs and not the horrible mom they said she was. I just listened to what they said and left the discussion for my wife and I to have. Now these people were then kind to spin drama and cause issues but doesn't mean I cant listen and question my wife as I did know she had an affair. The two girls also had one of there moms get into this drama over Facebook and call out my wife for what she was cheating selfish and so on. And the night I found this out I was texting the girls ensuring them I wouldn't tell my wife who said such things to not cause retaliation but I ended up yelling my wife who said it. The situation got angry and ended up woth my wofe trykng to get a no contact order but it failed. 
With that story was I out of line and betrayed my wife by allowing them to my work and tell me those things and not defend my wife about things they said I thought were not true? O also my wofes mom agrees i shouldn't have talked to the girls and that I should have defended my wife. 

I post stuff like this because how big this event was it has snapped alot of my thinking I deserve all this and I am a horrible person.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Jar, when you get angry work out until you pass out.

Now, listen, you are not crazy. She is. But you are losing it. No doubt.

Ever seen "Bug" ? Its a horror film, where a crazy person turns a sane person crazy. Thats where you are heading.

Its simple. You wont heal or ever
get healthy until you cut this cancer out.

She is too damaged and you are not strong enough to fix her.

Move on. And cut the excuses. Men do not make them or accept them.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sorry, having trouble reading all this. How many kids are there any how many are OP's? She's also pregnant w/ OM's baby, right?


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Sorry, having trouble reading all this. How many kids are there any how many are OP's? She's also pregnant w/ OM's baby, right?


1 om
1 child our daughter
yes pregnant


----------



## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

jarhead, (I think you should change this name for a start.)

If you are not a troll, then I have so much compassion and anguish for you I just don't know where to start.


Your story seems so unbelievable because you sound like a victim being violently abused, without hope, without self-love, without self-compassion. Yet there you stay, day after day, being violently abused and taking it, almost, dare I say it....willingly?? 

Stockholm Syndrome anyone? She has you totally caught in her web like thrall, like some sick siren that you cannot break away from even though she could destroy you.


I really fear for you, I fear for you mental, emotional and physical well-being and safety. 

I fear for you daughter......I really do. 

Please, please get some boundaries around yourself. Protect yourself from this black widow spider, I find it hard to actually call her a woman to be honest. 

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for you daughter, she needs a healthy dad, she NEEDS her dad, DO YOU UNDERSTAND THIS?

Get more help on the ground from someone and stop taking this horrendous abuse by this vicious and sick woman.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

I am working on what i need to atleast start moving forward. Staying away again tonight and suprisingly no resistance. but that could be i heard something in a conversation earlyer about how she has asked OM to come over but he is without a job and money and .... idk wasnt listening but he wont come see her. so maybe this is why she didnt fight it and avoided the conversation well avoided compared to what i thought it would come to. 


i am thinking of my daughter first and for most. that is what has stopped me from doing things that i should not be doing or wanting to do. she is my saving grace in life i will say that. 

trying to find correct papers to print and a layout of my states laws.

also my dad and best friend have pushed hard the past two days to keep me pointed in the right direction even if im not moving that way yet. 

i do find is so amazing how even with all the strong feelings against my wife and even the ones i truly see some how i do see her so bad i cant grasp that. cant grasp why i cant simply feel the feelings strangers are showing in all these posts. i know those feelings and understand what is happening to a point ( door mat, convinsing, making me look worse, playing things off) but i cant feel them.


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Fake it til you make it.


----------



## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

jarhead said:


> i do find is so amazing how even with all the strong feelings against my wife and even the ones i truly see some how i do see her so bad i cant grasp that. *cant grasp why i cant simply feel the feelings strangers are showing in all these posts. i* know those feelings and understand what is happening to a point ( door mat, convinsing, making me look worse, playing things off) but i cant feel them.


That is because you are being horrendously ABUSED. 
Victims of violent abuse cannot see it and the worse the abuse is the less they can see it for what it is. 

You are being mentally tortured. Your daughter could be and probably already is, seriously affected by being in that fetid, damaging atmosphere.

You need some strong support. Please listen to your dad and best friend.

My heart goes out to you.


----------



## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

I'm a bit confused also.... so correct me if I'm wrong:
- she has been cheating on you with OM and had a cuople of abortions from him 
- SHE IS AGAIN PREGNANT from OM
- she is blamming you because you are not working on R. accusing you
for not rugsweeping and be loveble as if nothing happend
- she is anyways always in contact with OM, but she wants you also...

If all of this is correct, then i do believe that you have a problem... and its not her but YOURSELF! 
Do you really need all this for you but most of all for your Daughter?
If you keep thinking to stay with her i do believe that you need to talk with a psychologist..... or give yourself a good slap on your face and wake-up
sorry if i'm harsh and i apologize if what i understood is incorrect.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

i will be listening to them more and spending more time with the at the least. i will be trying to finish no more mr nice guy today and continue tomorrow. with my mind set i have today. 

It is sad to notice that my sleepless ness somewhat lately is more because at night i have the stronger urge to fight and strength inside to bring myself up and enjoy that peace time while everyone is asleep. I know if i go to bed i will wake up tired from being woken to early and groggy and foggy mind and unable to focus and handle the situation. I just relized this point now. 


Also Jack c. you are correct on all points as sad as it is to seem. I say sad because i finally see more and more as i put more and more on this forum and people spell it out again and again. it sinks in i just need to contiune this conversation and forum and start moving forward.

o also harsh is ok i need it and i know it. Worste it will do is make me angry and maybe i can use that to my advantage..

Thank you all


----------



## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

jarhead said:


> i will be listening to them more and spending more time with the at the least. i will be trying to finish no more mr nice guy today and continue tomorrow. with my mind set i have today.
> 
> It is sad to notice that my sleepless ness somewhat lately is more because at night i have the stronger urge to fight and strength inside to bring myself up and enjoy that peace time while everyone is asleep. I know if i go to bed i will wake up tired from being woken to early and groggy and foggy mind and unable to focus and handle the situation. I just relized this point now.
> 
> ...


OK, glade to know that you finally see that maybe it's not you with mental problems... soooo just see this mess as what it really is, you dont need to go tresure hunting!
Tell her to not kill another innocent baby, tell her she can go and live a happy life with OM, tell her you dont need her drama anymore and you consider yourself already Divorced.
In a few words tell to go fxxk herself and leave you alone. If you cant find the strenght to do so, stop in the meanwhile anything that a married couple usally do, go dark... concentrate on your well being for the sake of your doughter


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

Does anyone have the book the gaslight effect in PDF?

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Can you tell me a little more about your father? What is he saying to you about this situation? What guidance is he giving you?


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

My dad has been very hurt by my pain and angry with the way I'm treated and that my wife is doing these things and feels she should be .. ashamed, apologize to him and my mom for having and affair and admit it was wrong, and she should apologize and show remorce to me. I have asked both my dad and mom to stop pushing into the situation and for information from me as I was lost and unable to answer and give answers they wanted. Since then I have come tk my dad telling him what I need and the support I need right now. We will talking more this weekend he also pushes divorce and custody.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Stay on here. Listen to your brother and father. All of this will help you recover yourself from your wife's relentless abuse. She has brainwashed you to believe that your instincts and principles are wrong & that she is a victim.

Nobody agrees with her. Everybody sees her as the one who is in the wrong. You need to keep recognizing this and let it give you the strength to save yourself.

Get the papers in order and work toward your freedom.

She is nuts and is trying hard to take you down with her. She should not be raising children.


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Jarhead, 

I'm not sure if this has been addressed or not, if so forgive me. 
Not long ago I finally quit taking all the blame for everything wrong that happened in my marriage to cause my h to ww.

I too started to believe I was a "horrible person." Questioning am I really this bad? ((I'm having my own issues with moving on.))

But this isn't about my situation, it's about yours. I just want to share though how horribly low my life became. I thought I was going crazy, I too crying out for help, and had no where to turn. I stayed living like this close to 2 years. 

Finally, finally I reach out to my dr. and was given an anti-depressant. I was not capable of making rational decisions I needed to, as I was so emotional caught up in my h.

I wish I had done so so much earlier, as my brain needed the help in order to help my life. 

It not the answer to all, by any means, but when your more emotionally in control of your emotions, one see's and starts to understand what is happening around them & can make sense in a much different stronger way. 


-sammy


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Jarhead,

I'm a tough girl but your last few posts almost made me cry. Reading about what you're going through is gut-wrenching.

Your wife sounds like a sadistic person. She is basically stabbing you and then upset at you for bleeding. What's more is that she plays the victim for having gotten your blood on her shirt and expects you to hug, console her and tell her she's beautiful and it's all your fault. This is sick. This is madness.

I don't see any fixing this marriage. Your wife is a serial cheater and very emotionally abusive. Her mother is a real piece of work as well. You've become accustomed to taking the abuse, which is even more heart-wrenching. NOBODY DESERVES to be treated like this.

Right now, you need to create emotional distance between you and your wife so that you can start to process what is actually happening/happened to you. It's like you're in shock after surviving a horrific car accident. Here are some suggestions to help you develop that distance:


Stop spending time with your wife. Go to the house, pick up your daughter and take her out to the park, to Chuck E. Cheese, to your dad's place overnight, wherever but that's it. Even better would be to get a parent or a friend to pick her up for you so you don't have to go to the house. 

When you do talk to your wife, let it only be about: your daughter, bills/housekeeping issues, and eventually court dates. Keep all conversations short and about those three things only. Don't discuss reconciling, her affair, your feelings, her feelings, the dogs etc.

Go to the doctors. Get tested for STDs, also discuss going on an anti-depressant medication. Let your doctor know what's going on with your wife and why you're under stress. My doctor was AWESOME to me during that time and helped me with resources I didn't know about and gave me a low-dose A.D.

Get a gym membership or buy a home gym. Work out. It relieves stress, is a great anger outlet (you will eventually find your anger if you follow through with all the advice given). You will also look better.

Get a hair-cut and buy some new clothes. Improve your appearance.

Go out more. Socialize with your friends. Keep in touch with your dad and anyone that supports you, lifts you up and is HEALTHY in your life. Let go of any toxic mutual friends that enable your wife.

Continue individual counseling, you may need to change counselors and find one that's knowledgeable about infidelity and doesn't enable it. Many social services agencies offer counseling for free or on a low-income scale. Discuss what's going on with your wife. 

Log on to Meet Ups. Find an activity or interest that you like and start meeting new people and going out. There are also divorce/separation support groups that you might find useful.

Explore some hobbies that you've wanted to try, take a vacation somewhere, or take a course. Either way, DO SOMETHING that is only for you and is completely separate from both your role as a dad and as a husband to your toxic wife. You need to begin reinventing who Jarhead is because the old Jarhead just isn't working out.

180 man.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

please read below im seeing more and more of flaws in communication she has and how she trys to munipulate. 
Example today gave her a hug when her and my daughter came for my break at work. When she left she was upset i didnt seem happy to see her. and she mentioned i didnt give her a hug when i told her i had she made excuse of i only did it beacause i was leaveing not because i wanted to. which i did becase i did. then she returned with well i honesty dont remember it. 
saw right through that like WTF.

but below i need assurance i was right or atleast not bad in what i said. 

Her- Scared of not having u..ur distancing urself a lot
Her- Ya know i'm scared most of doing this alone and with Addy I knew u were there!

Me-I'm on **** list? With Sean. I'm very sorry your so scared and that i am distant. A lot in my head and I'm filtering a lot but for the bettef

Her- Idk what's even going on

Me- Idk fully either but I know I've tried before but for anything to change in our lives I need to fix my way of thinking and handling life so I am focused on that right now. That doesn't mean no one else matters or I won't be there just more focus on self first. I also know we do need time apart still. Simply to reflect and not cause more fights or hurt not that we intend to do this but I keeps happening 

her- Doesn't mean u bail like u are..its not all about u. 

Me- Im sorry you feel that I am bailing and that its all about me. I am not bailing and know its not all about me. 

Her- It is cuz "I needd to focus on me and get my head straight" then ur not here or don't come home when there's a lot going on at home..when do I get to a break or to breathe or get my **** straitght if it takes doing what ur doing..its bull

her- When can I begin to trust u....

me- I agree when I have stayed at my parents the last few times I didn't come to house before work and that will not be a continuing thing (part of me figuring things out). And yes you need a break to. But you have also had weekends away. We do need the time apart for both of us to clear our heads and get things figured out. Idk best way to have the time apart but in same house unless we do separate things in morning. I'm open for ideas. 

Me+ Trust has to be proven and earned back in the marriage

Her- Whatever jared...u have had weekends too addy is rarely with u so whatever idk why I try or even want u here sometimes...gahhh I give up!! U don't control this situation and that's what u are doing u are not "in" this!!

me- Tell me what you want me to do then? 
I know this
I need to better myself
I need more time with Addy
I need time apart from us
I need to feel better about myself and get back my self esteem

I know you need time for yourself
you need to be able to ride your horse
You need time away from us 
You need to feel better about yourself
You need to enjoy life

Now I know I'm far from perfect and that I have failed big and small many times but I'm not a horrible person and for me to change my perception on life and to be able to love myself again so I can love others I need to do those things I said above. Time apart isn't about me and you its about mW being able to meet my own needs so I don't have to keep feeling like others have to meet those needs so i can be happy. And your needs also are important but each if us need to be happy with ourselves first to be happy in with other relationships


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

jarhead said:


> When she left she was upset i didnt seem happy to see her.


Seeing that she's ripped your heart out, it is perfectly normal that you wouldn't be excited to see her but she only thinks of herself. She needs your attention to feel valuable in the moment and it hurts her ego to not have you pawing for her. She ignores how much pain you must be in and only cares about how much affection you're showing.



jarhead said:


> When she left she was upset i didnt seem happy to see her. and she mentioned i didnt give her a hug when i told her i had she made excuse of i only did it beacause i was leaveing not because i wanted to. which i did becase i did. then she returned with well i honesty dont remember it.


She was dismissing you, damn right she remembers but since you also have a brain of your own, she's forgotten how that incident went down. Claiming that you forgot is an easy way to manipulate because it's very hard for someone else to prove that you actually remembered - nobody is a mind-reader.

Here's my translation if you will:



jarhead said:


> Her- Scared of not having u..ur distancing urself a lot
> Her- Ya know i'm scared most of doing this alone and with Addy I knew u were there!


She's playing the victim and essentially saying,

"Why aren't you paying as much attention to ME? I don't want to have to raise this OTHER MAN'S baby by myself. With our daughter, you were there so I want you to be there for ME and help babysit the OTHER MAN'S baby."



jarhead said:


> Her- Idk what's even going on


She's again, playing the victim and acting like something is being done TO HER but feigning being clueless as to why.

"Why is this happening to ME? I haven't done anything wrong!"



jarhead said:


> her- Doesn't mean u bail like u are..its not all about u.


"It's all about ME. You have NO RIGHT TO LEAVE, HOW dare you leave ME." 



jarhead said:


> Her- It is cuz "I needd to focus on me and get my head straight" then ur not here or don't come home when there's a lot going on at home..when do I get to a break or to breathe or get my **** straitght if it takes doing what ur doing..its bull


She is scared of losing her grip on you. Again, all of the focus here is about HER and what SHE wants from you and thinks you should be doing for her. It's selfish.



jarhead said:


> her- When can I begin to trust u....


This is projection. She is guilty, she is untrustworthy and a cheater. She is inferring you can't be trusted because something inside her knows that she can't be trusted. 

It is not just cheaters that do this but nearly all unremorseful cheaters certainly do this. Emotional abusers do this as well and in fact, good people can be guilty of doing it also. We can also project our positive qualities onto others. However, this wasn't positive and when projection, is used in negative ways, it's abusive. 

It's a defense mechanism (they project their negative feelings or beliefs about themselves onto you). They'll claim that you possess the negative quality that they in fact possess. It's meant to through you off of balance so you will doubt yourself and your worthiness and wonder where you can improve to be seen as more trustworthy. It's also utter tripe. 



> me- I agree when I have stayed at my parents the last few times I didn't come to house before work and that will not be a continuing thing (part of me figuring things out). And yes you need a break to. But you have also had weekends away. We do need the time apart for both of us to clear our heads and get things figured out. Idk best way to have the time apart but in same house unless we do separate things in morning. I'm open for ideas.
> 
> Me+ Trust has to be proven and earned back in the marriage





jarhead said:


> Her- Whatever jared...u have had weekends too addy is rarely with u so whatever idk why I try or even want u here sometimes...gahhh I give up!! U don't control this situation and that's what u are doing u are not "in" this!!


This whole quote is manipulation. In the paragraph of yours above, you were asserting good boundaries with her, explaining your stance (good job by the way) and expressing what you need.

She took a big pregnant sh!t on all of that. "Whatever Jared... you have weekends too" is dismissive. She didn't even bother hearing what you said, just ignored your needs and told you that you're wrong.

Then the "idk why I try or even want you here sometimes is out of anger and it's demeaning. It's emotional abuse. She may as well have said, "You're a piece of crap, a burden to me, I don't know why I bother putting up with you. You should feel lucky that I even have you in my life." 

She wanted you to fall at her feet, beg for mercy for all of this "wrong" she feels you're doing to her. Again, it's all about her and not you. Then followed up by telling you that you are not in control over it because she is used to being in control of it and of you. 
----

Jarhead,

I took a lot of your text, where you spoke to your wife out for a reason. You need to stop explaining yourself to your wife. Your wife doesn't care. 

You have good instincts that what she is saying to you is manipulative and abusive. So don't play the crazy game anymore. Just continue to focus on yourself. Your wife won't change because you want her to. She won't change because you change. She will only change when she sees that she is the problem. 

Don't hold your breath for that to happen. Don't waste your breath trying to reason her into that happening. She doesn't want to hear it and right now doesn't care. Further, any time you entertain these kind of conversations with her, you are opening yourself up to be abused. That's all she knows. Only some serious psychotherapy, medication and years of introspection can turn her around. 

The kicker is that she will have to want to go because she wants to do better and right now she thinks she's faultless and entitled to do and say whatever she wants to you while benefiting from you financially and through affection and validation. To her, you're only good so long as you don't have needs, cater to her and enable her affair. 

Just continue working on yourself and keep posting. The more work you do, the more you'll be able to see just how screwed up she is and when you become healthy, raise your self-esteem and gain your self-worth back, you won't want any part of that.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

Thank you for interpreting can you do the same for this. 
Her responces from my last message. I have said nothing and its been an hour

Whatever..u miss the point constantly. U go to work and do **** for u........u never even begin to do anything to be apart of this family and ur responsibilities and guess what I'm gonna be working again on top of it!!
So go ahead and stay gone and "figure urself out" and see if I'm here when u get back
Well see if I can deal with it being about u...this is, ur nor taking care of us ur not here for us!! It goes beyond going to work, its feeling wanted and loved!
U shrug off my attempts
Gahhh u just don't get how much I want u

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

I agree with MT. (great post BTW! :smthumbup




Everything the black widow is saying to you is just pure, manipulative, degrading bullsh*t. Sorry I can't bring myself to call her your wife, because she doesn't act like a wife or treat you like her man. Not in any way, shape or form. You are just her whipping boy (to her)


Like MT says, don't get involved in these long, rambling going nowhere traps of hers.

Think of it like a sticky web that you have to extricate yourself from to save your life. Don't let her build anymore of her death web around you.


You sound though like you are improving slightly though in standing up to her, and although you have a way to go. 
You are doing a great job!


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I don't mean for this to come across as cruel, and this probably isn't helpful at all, but it's getting really tough to read through all of this utterly manipulative bullsh*t. I would, however, like to say a couple of things...



jarhead said:


> her- When can I begin to trust u....


Are. You. F*cking. Kidding. Me.



jarhead said:


> Gahhh u just don't get how much I want u


"...to provide for my illegitimate affair baby."

By the way, how sure are you that your daughter is actually your (biological) daughter? Either way, my honest fear would be that, unless you're able to get out of this situation, and get your daughter away from your wife, she'll wind up being every bit as horrible as her mother.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

*



me- Tell me what you want me to do then?

Click to expand...

*

*WHY are you talking like this to her? Bla Bla Bla Bla!!!*
You are asking a woman that has made horrible decisions for years to give you advice?

*YOU need to take actions as has been given to you in this thread and by your counselor.* Are you talking so that you can avoid taking the right actions?


Nothing is going to change for the better until YOU TAKE SOME RIGHT ACTIONS!!!!

If you are not strong enough to take the right actions then get somebody to help you. I think that you are in danger of becoming a complete mush ball and then you will not even be able to help your daughter.

Stop taking to her and start taking some actions. Talk with her is so very cheap and destructive.

*Jarhead, you still have a chance to help yourself and your daughter if you start taking action NOW!!!*


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

OK i can't do this anymore until you can commit to not talking to Steven and seeing him and willing to work on us I can't go on. You want me to see your attempts and show you affection but still have him in the picture I can't do it. 

GOD PLEASE TELL ME I DID THE RIGHT THING


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

Im scared i did the wrong thing. whats going to hapen next. i am recieving messages of blindsiding her, she gave up and did everything for me, im selfish, she gave up two babys for me and i didnt respect her. 

i told her i asked her for one thing to be faithful and you couldnt. and i cant be the support you want and need while your pregnant with his baby. i cant im dieing insdie. you chose him ebcause i could be enough when i was devistated and i still am. 

i told you i needed to better myself and you met that with im being selfish. 

i cant be that strong support you need with him in the picture. ive been trying tor ever to be that and its obvious i cant do it.


she responded f you.. i cannot belive you right now. i killed my babys for you and you didnt even respect me at all!!!

see you did make me do that and no u were never going to let it be ok.. i did not fing choose anone i chose you time and time again but i needed to be loved too and wanted to be reminded im cared about too... when do you ever let me sleep or take care of me! i take care of everyone one always.
ur asking me to give 100% when you cant give me 2%


----------



## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

jarhead said:


> OK i can't do this anymore until you can commit to not talking to Steven and seeing him and willing to work on us I can't go on. You want me to see your attempts and show you affection but still have him in the picture I can't do it.
> 
> GOD PLEASE TELL ME I DID THE RIGHT THING


You did the right thing, friend. Be calm. Stay strong.

She has to earn your trust back through her actions. Her OM has to be gone permanently for your marriage to have the merest glimmer of a chance.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

u don't even bother to stop chewing!!!! I wanted to fix everything and I killed my baby to. Show you that I would but steven saved my ****ing life and he has saved me when u have not been there and ur telling me to kick someone out of my life, I wouldn't be here without him!!!
Who the hell u been talking to cuz ya know what jared this is bull****...what did I ****ing do to save out marrige!!! What!!! You selfish ass. I kicked steven out of my life and what did u do in return, **** me over time and time again!!


I suggest u ****ing talk to me


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

YEAH YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. Good for you. STICK TO IT!

Jesus Christ bro, what is going over there? This thread is creepy and weird like the Twilight Zone.

Go dark. Ignore her to at least Monday.

And what is the deal with you raising OM's kid? How are you gonna pull that beta gift off, without eating a gun?

Im gonna repeat. STAY DARK!!!!


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

jarhead said:


> u don't even bother to stop chewing!!!! I wanted to fix everything and I killed my baby to. Show you that I would but steven saved my ****ing life and he has saved me when u have not been there and ur telling me to kick someone out of my life, I wouldn't be here without him!!!
> Who the hell u been talking to cuz ya know what jared this is bull****...what did I ****ing do to save out marrige!!! What!!! You selfish ass. I kicked steven out of my life and what did u do in return, **** me over time and time again!!
> 
> 
> I suggest u ****ing talk to me


Stop talkin to her. And give her to Steve, if he is so awesome. She is out of her mind. 

Seriously do not respond anymore tonight. Go to sleep. Take a walk. Make a sandwich. Make two.

She is blameshifting as a desperate way to regain control. She senses you are waking up and she is horrified.


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

You need to start thinkng about your own protection. When she bottoms out there is no telling what she will do.

Take precautions. I got a bad feeling about this one.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

Her- I had no one absolutely no one and u were supposed to be there u were supposed to protect me and u didn't...what ask I supposed to do!!!!!!!.how do I give everything to someone who doesn't bother with our relationship...I did for forever and look tried to kill myself when u weren't there and abandoned me!!! Why cuz u are my world but u do this everything its about u...

Me-I don't think you see the pain and hurt the affair has caused.

Me-My fault for hiding it but you saw my pain and sadness as not trying or not caring or not enough


Her- So ****ing what does me trying to kill myself not ****ing matter or killing my babies!! U don't know what pain even is...ur parents screaming how horrible of a person I am and u just standing there

Her- I hate you burn in hell!! How could you, seriosuly get the **** over it I killed my child for you and to save us and you say this hurts more **** off

Her- You have me and am here and trying every day to get thru this life that u have put me thru and continue a relationship with one of the most ungrateful and selfish person I know

Her- the other issue is your mother!!!


----------



## catsa (Jun 8, 2013)

DON'T RESPOND EVEN ONE MORE TIME.

She's going to spiral, say awful things. Save all your texts from her, take screenshots if you can. 

The more she texts and you don't respond, the crazier she'll get. This can be used for evidence in custody fight if necessary.

I've been where you are, like Stockholm Syndrome, so hard to understand that the abuser is not right.

Turn your phone off. Just for 5 minutes. Then another 5.... Keep going. 

Definitely get a VAR, get familiar with it, keep it on you. If something goes down, authorities WILL NOT believe you.


----------



## catsa (Jun 8, 2013)

DON'T RESPOND EVEN ONE MORE TIME.

She's going to spiral, say awful things. Save all your texts from her, take screenshots if you can. 

The more she texts and you don't respond, the crazier she'll get. This can be used for evidence in custody fight if necessary.

I've been where you are, like Stockholm Syndrome, so hard to understand that the abuser is not right.

Turn your phone off. Just for 5 minutes. Then another 5.... Keep going. 

Definitely get a VAR, get familiar with it, keep it on you. If something goes down, authorities WILL NOT believe you.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

im at work now and wont respond or text back. just trying to keep my calm before i attempt to leave here. she keeps calling and calling. 

Also is her saying i wont be your problem anymore.. 

Her saying fine ill leave or her intending to make me worry about self harm?


----------



## MyTurn (Oct 27, 2013)

jarhead, go dark.NO MORE TALK.
It's up to her now to end it with her OM.
Untill then, silence.


----------



## catsa (Jun 8, 2013)

If she threatens to hurt herself-- CALL 911. Call her bluff.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

She has mentioned past attempt to OD. and stating that if i keep ignoring her i might just not see her again. that was an hour ago and she is still calling and left a voice may crying begging me to call


----------



## MyTurn (Oct 27, 2013)

GOOD.
let her beg.
Do not engage in any communication.


----------



## MyTurn (Oct 27, 2013)

<<She has mentioned past attempt to OD. and stating that if i keep ignoring her i might just not see her again. that was an hour ago and she is still calling and left a voice may crying begging me to call>>

jarhead, if she threats again, call the police.If she stops cold and you are worried call the police.

BUT you do not call or text her !!!


----------



## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

the killing her baby sh!t it over the top and a clear demonstration, as if you needed one, of how incredibly cruel she is.

you have to get out now. your daughter needs at least one sane person in her life.

do not respond to any of her calls or texts. call 911 if she continues to selfishly threaten suicide.


----------



## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

J, 

This woman is seriously disturbed. Please protect yourself and your daughter. Please listen to what everyone here is saying. 
If she harms herself, IT WILL NOT BE YOUR FAULT!

Go dark on her. If she threatens to self harm, call the police or whatever it is you do over there in the US. 

You will be okay....


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I'm assuming that she's talking about abortions...? If so, were these other pregnancies a result of her PA w/ OM or possibly even ADDITIONAL OMs?

Either way, jarhead, you're getting good advice here. Alert the police that she's threatening to harm herself and possibly her unborn child. Keep a copy of any and all communications from her, and look into backing them up somehow. Put a passcode on your phone and guard it like crazy. Document EVERYTHING. It may help you w/ getting custody of your daughter down the line.

Aside from that, maintain zero communication w/ her. Let her rant and rave all she wants. She sees that you're taking a stand against her abusive, controlling ways, and it's driving her crazy. She can't stand the thought of having to bring another child into the world w/o you there to provide for it, especially since (next paragragh)...

OM has clearly decided to steer clear of the train wreck, at least for now. He may be hoping that you'll take responsibility for the child once it's born, at which point he can start coming back around.

GO DARK! NO CONTACT!


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Stay dark. Keep all texts and voicemails. And honestly, if you get one more threatening text call 911 and let them deal with her.

If she is bluffing it will give her pause. If she is not ir will get her help.

And again take care of yourself. This is a scary situation you are in.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

*



GOD PLEASE TELL ME I DID THE RIGHT THING

Click to expand...

*I am not God but you did the right thing. 
*Another right thing (if you are not a troll) is for you to RUN RUN to your therapist!!*


Anyone that is wondering if they did the right thing in your situation needs help with thinking and emotions. Getting away from this woman is a no brainer but you are wondering if you did the right thing??


*Jarhead, get HELP you are very confused, very weak, and mixed up and are allowing this woman to keep you in hell*


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

jarhead said:


> She has mentioned past attempt to OD. and stating that if i keep ignoring her i might just not see her again. that was an hour ago and she is still calling and left a voice may crying begging me to call


jarhead, 

In the USA if she is feeling suicidal, she can call 1-800-273-8255
the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. 

In fact, it would be very helpful for you to go to that site and learn more, such as The Warning Signs of Suicide. 

HOWEVER, I want you to consider something, and I'm not being cold-hearted or callous here. I have no desire to see your wife harm herself--in fact, I believe she needs help! But what she is saying does not sound like a person actually intending to harm herself to me. It sounds like a person who is DESPERATE to get you to do what she wants you to do, the way she wants you to do it. Up until this point, she has said some very demeaning, verbally abusive things to you, and she clearly blames you for her choices, and yet you are trying to take time to think clearly and improve yourself. That means you wouldn't be under her thumb any longer and SHE DOES *NOT *LIKE THAT!! So she is fighting tooth and nail with the most hurtful and scary weapon she has to get you back in line.

She keeps saying she "gave up her babies" to be with you, and yet that's not reality. In reality she is a married woman and *she chose* to act in such a way that she became pregnant by another man...and who knows if you would have chosen to stay with her and reconcile if she had those babies? *She chose* to abort them...not you. You didn't force her or put a gun to her head...*SHE chose*. It was her actions that put her in that position and her choice to abort. So when she throws that one in your face A) do not respond (there is no need) and B) remind yourself inside your head that each person is responsible for the choices they make. YOU are not responsible for what she chose to do. Okay?

Next, when she says those veiled suggestions that she might kill herself, if you are concerned and you don't want harm to come to her, you can ask her right out loud: "Are you threatening to kill yourself?" If she says yes, then call the police or 911. Tell them you need a wellness check and that she threatened suicide. Let her family know that the two of you are separated and she has been threatening suicide so they can take appropriate measures.

Jarhead, if she means it (and we already know she is a cutter) then she needs help above and beyond what you can give her by falling for her threats and "obeying her." This is where the rubber meets the road. Do you really love her? Then do what is best for her EVEN IF SHE DOESN'T LIKE IT. She may be in a lot of pain, but the mature way to deal with pain is not to cut or threaten suicide. And if that is her best coping mechanism, then she really does need professional help. She's gonna scream and throw a fit and blame you--just brace yourself because you know that's coming. But you will have done the best thing for her, and THAT is real love.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

jarhead,

You came here for advice. Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't believe that anyone on TAM, in 7 pages of this thread, has suggested that you do anything else other than divorce your wife.

You are not accepting that advice.

You can recite all the drawn out conversations with her, till you're blue in the face; but that advice will not change.

She's a bad person. You need to be rid of her. Stop talking to her. Start your divorce. Plan you exit. Get into therapy.

Be a man.

I'm out. Unless you need help planning your exit strategy.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

badmemory, 

To some degree I politely disagree. I don't know if jarhead does or does not need to divorce his wife. In fact, I'm very aware that we are only getting "his side of the story" and that most likely her side would be very, very different! 

But I do think that what we all agree on is that RIGHT NOW she needs some serious help and that RIGHT NOW he needs to get away from her for whatever period of time he needs to regain himself and his self-esteem. It would be ideal if she also sought help and through counseling learned some better coping techniques than suicide and adultery...but chances are she won't do that because she'd have to look at herself. Still...that hasn't happened yet and we don't know the future. 

So for now, I do think we all agree, she needs deep psychiatric help and psychotherapy. I also think we all agree that Jar needs to get away from her and separate, which means stopping the texting, calling and emailing. YES, for the first week or so Jar will feel like he has an URGE to contact, and that's because he is just as addicted to her drama (and being the white knight) as she is to whipping it up! He also has to break his addiction to her! 

But I have a feeling he is just beginning to see that. So I'll hang in a little longer to keep showing him until he's ready to make the move he needs to make.


----------



## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

jarhead said:


> She has mentioned past attempt to OD. and stating that if i keep ignoring her i might just not see her again. that was an hour ago and she is still calling and left a voice may crying begging me to call


She has to be very emotionally immature to try these manipulation tactics. 

You can NOT cave in, she is testing you and if you do it will show her that she still controls you. She is bluffing to get you back under her thumb.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> badmemory,
> 
> To some degree I politely disagree. I don't know if jarhead does or does not need to divorce his wife. In fact, I'm very aware that we are only getting "his side of the story" and that most likely her side would be very, very different!
> 
> ...


OK affaircare. I asked for a correction if I was wrong and I'll stand corrected. I'll edit that to a large majority of us think he should divorce. 

You are obviously a much more patient man than I am. I've always respected your posts and it's fine for us to politely disagree sometimes.


----------



## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

Affaircare said:


> badmemory,
> 
> To some degree I politely disagree. I don't know if jarhead does or does not need to divorce his wife. In fact, I'm very aware that we are only getting "his side of the story" and that most likely her side would be very, very different!
> 
> ...



you are clearly a lovely, patient person and i appreciate you taking the time you have here with this situation.

the way i see it, this situation is FUBAR. it's hard to type that bc jarhead is in so much pain right now, so vulnerable, but that's my assessment.

his relationship with her is toxic and unless she commits to getting some serious, hard core help, i just don't see how this gets worked out in a healthy way.

but we at least agree he needs to sever all contact for at least a week. the drama does not define him and he needs time to realize that.


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Affaircare said:


> badmemory,
> 
> To some degree I politely disagree. I don't know if jarhead does or does not need to divorce his wife. In fact, I'm very aware that we are only getting "his side of the story" and that most likely her side would be very, very different!
> 
> ...


If this marriage is not a candidate for divorce, i have to question if you think there is such a thing.

Badmemory had it right.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Well based on the facts AS PRESENTED HERE I'd say this is SURELY a candidate for divorce. Multiple affairs and multiple pregnancies from said affairs...this even meets the "it's moral to divorce" standard! 

But just because it's moral doesn't mean you have to. 

And the truth is that we are not there and don't really know all the facts--just what Jar has presented. If his presentation is 100% accurate and true, I'd say "Run for the hills and fast!" I just give some room to the possibility that maybe he told us bad things and exaggerated them to make himself sound better...or forgot to tell us his bad things to make it seem like an "open and shut" case. We never really know. 

Shoot, remember the one lady here who worked for a doctor and was having an affair with one of the patients? She went to the doctor (whom she looked up to) and asked if she should leave her husband, who just the night before had screamed at her for five hours. Of course, she didn't mention that he was screaming because he just discovered the affair...in fact she didn't mention the affair AT ALL! Why? "Because it wasn't any of his business." 

That's all I'm saying and I've got no qualms with badmemory or illwill disagreeing. I think I honestly just am more patient! LOL But right now my patience is toward helping jarhead RECOVER by getting away from her for now. Once he's back to himself and has some self-esteem, he can decide for himself if she is the kind of woman he'd invest in, and decide that from a healthy, more mature viewpoint.


----------



## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

You need to stop the drama and get some stability in your life. All this turmoil can't be good for any of you. You need to set up visitation time with your daughter, not at her house, but where it is you and her. This time needs to be fun time, not doing chores or errands, both of you need this. It doesn't have to be expensive, just that she has your undivided attention. 

Your stbx has made her choices, there is no point engaging her. She replaced you with a POSOM, take care of the legal matters and move on with life. There is a brave new world out there.


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Affaircare said:


> Well based on the facts AS PRESENTED HERE I'd say this is SURELY a candidate for divorce. Multiple affairs and multiple pregnancies from said affairs...this even meets the "it's moral to divorce" standard!
> 
> But just because it's moral doesn't mean you have to.
> 
> ...


Well said, Affaircare.

Im not promarriage. I am pro self-respect. There is no way he can keep her, his dignity, and his sanity.


----------



## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

To all of the TAM writers, I can see were this guy is coming from. Life in the US Military is different. We do not accept DEFEAT. That is a big no no! If this guy is oversee's, he can not divorce, he can only send his wife back the the States. If she is banging one of his higher ups, they will band together and protect each other.

Having said all that,

You must get rid of this cancer in your life. You have tried everything, but it is time to "Pop smoke, and get the fork out of there!" I know that you think you have a duty to fix this but you DON"T! I am almost 60 years old now, and if I could do it over again, I would not have put up with 90% of the BS in my life. I would have told my ex-wife before we married " You know what, I met this tall German Doctor who wants me, her parents own a VW dealership, that they want me to work at, things have changed, BYE!" Instead, I felt I had a DUTY to keep my word. Boy, what an a idiot. Oh well. That would be my advice to you. David


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

If that military mindset was present here, this situation would have never deteriorated to this degree.

This is not about giving up, its about fear. The only
similarities to the military is the brainwashing she has done.


----------



## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

illwill said:


> This is not about giving up, its about fear. The only
> similarities to the military is the brainwashing she has done.


Agreed. As well as brainwashing, verballing and mental torture, she is using sleep deprivation as a tool to destroy this poor guy.

Unlike Affaircare I believe he is telling it like it is and there is no hope for this relationship barring divine intervention. She is way to damaged. I for one can "hear" the desperation in his words. He can't be putting a spin on it for his own justification. Way to desperate. 

It's either-or for me. A troll(don't really think so) or completely true.

I would feel sorry for her is she wasn't so dangerously cruel to J. God only knows what she is doing to his daughter. At least he does have some sort of control, as flimsy as it is. That poor little girl has none. 

All she has is her dad to save her from ending up as damaged as her mother.


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Jarhead,

I hope you are doing okay. I'm sorry but I won't translate those texts from your wife in any depth like I did earlier. I did read them but it is more of the same abusive bullsh!t and it's wrong.

Threatening suicide if you leave is abusive and manipulative. She can't physically cage you but boy can she try to do it psychologically. Suicide threats are intended to hold you hostage because she wants you to stay and you've voiced yourself that you don't want to be there. If you have reason to believe she'll go through with it, call 911 and let them know she is a suicide risk.

She also did not kill her babies for you. She chose to cheat, she chose to have unprotected sex that resulted in not one, not two, but three pregnancies and she chose to have two of those pregnancies aborted. It doesn't matter if her motivation was saving the marriage. Obviously that wasn't motivation enough because she is pregnant again by the other man. 

She can claim that she did it for you but that's bullsh!t. She certainly didn't choose to stay faithful and honour her vows for you. Had she been faithful she wouldn't have gotten pregnant with the other man's baby the first time and now she's a three time loser.

I "liked" your post where you asked if you did the right thing. My "like" and the seven (at the time I write this) other likes were adamant HELL YESSES.

You will doubt yourself in the beginning when you try to let go of her. That's totally normal but it's totally wrong. That is because it's hard to end the cycle of abuse. It's hard to cut off ties from them even though they're hurtful and destructive in your life. 

Block and delete her from all of your social media sites. Don't keep checking in on her because it will make the urge to reach out even stronger. Right now, you need to distance yourself and stay away. 

Let her calls go to voice-mail and then check them for content. If it's not something pertinent, like about your daughter, the mortgage, bills or other things you're obligated to care for then don't return the calls. 

When you feel the urge to reach out to her, log on to TAM and write instead, go for a walk, call your dad or talk or a friend or even a crisis hotline. It might sound silly but take the battery out of your phone and lock it up so you can't touch it. Personally, watching stand up comedy on Youtube helped me a lot (thank you Bill Burr, Carlin and Louis C.K. for helping me through). I don't care what you do, as long as you find something positive that helps distract you and get your mind on something else until that urge goes away. 

If despite trying the tips that others and myself have given you, I'd also add, have your wife's calls and texts automatically directed to your dad or another trusted person. Instruct them to only tell you about important information such as messages regarding your daughter so you can text her about those and make arrangements or when bills will be paid etc. Let them act as a go-between for you and your wife until you've gotten strong enough to deal with her yourself. Right now I fear that her pull is stronger than your resolve. 

You may also want to read some information on this website. It has a lot of information for male victims of emotional battering and domestic abuse. 

Good luck and keep posting.


----------



## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

jarhead said:


> OK i can't do this anymore until you can commit to not talking to Steven and seeing him and willing to work on us I can't go on. You want me to see your attempts and show you affection but still have him in the picture I can't do it.
> 
> GOD PLEASE TELL ME I DID THE RIGHT THING


I'm not God but I believe you did the right thing too. You are on your way my friend. I'm sorry you here. It's time for you to put that good heart of yours to work on more rewarding things. 

I am looking forward to seeing grow from this. From a door mat to self respecting man. There are better things in store, God has a plan for you, don't forget that. I'm a 100% certain it will have nothing do with her. 

I would bet as she unravels, like others have mentioned, she will get worse. Get a var in the house, cameras if possible, keep those txt messages and record any conversation you have with her. 

Women like this have been know to harm themselves, call the cops and have you arrested for beating her. The only thing our trusted police force will do is protect your "innocent" wife. You need to have it on video/voice recording to show them what really happened before you get hauled away on a false assault charge. I have a bad feeling about this, shes gonna get worse. 
Stay strong.


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Miss Taken said:


> Jarhead,
> 
> I hope you are doing okay. I'm sorry but I won't translate those texts from your wife in any depth like I did earlier. I did read them but it is more of the same abusive bullsh!t and it's wrong.
> 
> ...


Amen.


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Jarhead?


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

my phone died lastnight and am now at work im about to read responces.

here is a little of something i felt and happened. ill respond more as soon as i can.

So after a long talk with her last night (she was at my work when I got off) I found out a couple things her abandonment issues run very very deep. As deep for her openly say when "I left her" any time I am jot there when she needs or wants me or in case of lastnight I "left her" because I told her we had to leave my work and couldn't talk there anymore and I got in my truck and left to the place I told her to meet down the road. Secondly she only goes to OM because he hasn't "left her" and she uses sex with him as a means of keeping him around. 

Now o don't full understand what is all going on in that thinking and mind set. But I know that she needs help I can not give. 

Last night I made huge steps forward and made the point known I no longer can go on with this all happening. I will say I did give in and now down during our talk all night and into morning. But I must say for once in Idk how long I did stand my ground on 90% of what was said or simple agjolidged her feelings and moved on. There is a whole lot more that was said and that I am so lost in but I do not have time yet to out that on here.

I know I did not do all I should and gave in to some as I always do but I will say even spending the morning with her shopping picking up daughter from grandmas and even her getting me a lunch ready for work. I was posative in myself, happy as can be, felt like a human again, I finally am gaining some part of me back. It also may somewhat come from her final addmitence of what she had done and that it was very very wrong with pain in every word and I saw it on her fave all day. It helped to see she felt at least somewhat remorseful. I know that little bit changes nothing but it is good to see.

Also she over and over again said her affair in very very minimal to all the pain I have caused her over the years and that I need to just get over it like she has gotten over all I have done. 
I did hold true on the fact of no matter what I still didn't deserve it and she agreed and but I did play a part in her doing it by pushing her away and making her feel she had to turn to someone else


i think what has made the biggest impact on my more posative and happy mood today...

I faced my biggest fear and did not die, did not crawl in bed and never get up, the world did not end. If it all comes down to divorce or her leaving i am no longer afraid.


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Jarhead,

I'm happy that you felt more positively and stronger today than you have in a long time. It is important to feel good. Don't knock yourself from letting down your resolve. This _whole standing up for yourself thing_ is new and you can't expect yourself to do it perfectly the first time.

BUT LEARN FROM IT. It would be good for you to take some time to think about where, when and why you backed down a bit. What were you talking about during the time? What were you saying? What did she say and mostly - HOW DID IT FEEL? Because it is important that you don't let this happen again. 

I have a sneaking suspicion that you are so used to getting nothing good from your wife or what you do get being manipulative garbage and abuse that when you do get something good, no matter how insincere, no matter how small of a crumb it is, it makes you ELATED. STOP THAT.

Making a lunch and wearing a sad face all day IS NOT REMORSE. I repeat. It's not remorse. You know how I know? Because she followed it up with this:



jarhead said:


> Also she over and over again said her affair in very very minimal to all the pain I have caused her over the years and that I need to just get over it like she has gotten over all I have done.


And then got you to believe this:



jarhead said:


> but I did play a part in her doing it by pushing her away and making her feel she had to turn to someone else


----------



## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Good, now stop talking to her. Quick to the point conversations, as stated by many already, you just going to get hurt if you talk to her. How much more of her nonsense are you going to take? She is wackadoo. Lawyer up, file for divorce, serve the papers at her work, get the kid away from her crazy ass.

Keep the conversations focused on getting divorced, your child or her getting help, txt only. Don't talk on the phone. Take charge. Don't let her control the conversation. Ignore the shameful lies. Your are being decieved.


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Glad you feel better. My advice stands. You are accepting crumbs from the table.

Detach. And limit the communication. 
She must own the affair completely. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

And until YOU accept 0 responsibility for her cruel deeds, you will not be healthy enough for her, or anyone else.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

So I do not believed in played a part on her choosing the affair. Not at all her choice not mine. I made it clear to her many times. 
I also in an angry outburst finally expressed some if the basic things like have him at house or sleep in our bed and so on. That were disrespect and complete bullish** . That those made me feel unwanted in my own home and feel like she didn't give two sh**s about me. 

And when she would point things out that mad no logical sense at all I would say nothing just let her rant. 

Her big thing also was since I "so called loved her so much" I should see when she needs me and I should comfort her and just hug her. This would then follow with a moment of long crying and to me attempts to make me hug and comfort her. I did do it twice while we were away from the house to calm her and get her to go to house so we could talk there, and in my head to see where my daughter was because was not with my wife and so the drive she had to take would at least distract her some to come out of her angry some. My daughter had gotten dropped off earlier in the day at grandmas. 

When we got home things were fishy about not wanting to go inside or when almost home she suggested stopping at store for bread for my lunch the next day. It was about 5am at the time and jot going inside was to not wake the roommate that had to be up at 7. So I made a reason to go inside and I quickly searched and found no one (thought maybe OM was there) and also told me on a text on way to house that I didnt need to come home our daugyher wasn't there. 

So yes I'm seeing a lot clearer now and can pull out the truth in her words a lot better. 
This I feel is because I'm learning and since I fast my worse fear of loosing her I now am a lot more at peace with the fact of I'll do what I need and no longer fear loosing her. 

The reason I cave in is because 
1- I know I have done wrongs like letting her get beat down by my parents using things they didn't know about and pasts of my wife's life they didn't know (my wife was raped when she was in highschool by a boyfriend) I'm jot sure if me standing by doing nothing to stop the yelling and verbal attack from my parents when I saw my wife was being hurt by it and not being able to handle it was wrong for me to do, I know I felt bad after it all happened 

2- she explains in detail her feelings, my actions that hurt her, examples and its so much I can't keep the train of thought in my head gong to understand let alone filter the truth out and I get angry and don't want to lash out or loose control so I say fine your right or fall silent and beat myself up inside for not being able to understand why I did what she said or why I can't find the way to see I didn't do that to her.

3- I simple reach a point of f-it I don't care anymore and tune out and zone out. To the point I block out my pain, guilt, feelings and simple give in to stop the topic 

Last night I did my best to stay calm listen and filter truth. So I could respond only what I needed to and to attempt to show the flaw in what she said

Last thing back to the simple hug me and assure .e its a going to be OK. When she did this while we were in our room on our bed this was because roommate was now up. She got upset and started crying and shaking her foot from anxiety normal for her to do and that to her should trigger me to hug and hold her at the least. 
Here is where I felt bad for doing this sort of and don't know if it was right. When she started to cry and put the trigger of now come hold me I rolled my head onto my pillow on the other side of bed and started to "cry" enough to know she heard it. And continued to ask her to come hug me and hold me. This was all to see if what she wanted me to do when I was hurting was something she could do for me when She was hurting. Kind of OK shoe on other foot. No responce form her at all at this point I had actually broken Dow. From everything but pulled together and rolled over to see if she was still awake and push harder to get her to hug me. When I rolled over she had her ears covered and I tapped her shoulder and told her I had been "begging her to hug me" and she then said she had her ears plugged so she didn't her me anymore I believe she said because I was angry and being mean. 

I don't know what to make of that because rest of day even after " time to go get our daughter and get stating I didn't need to go with but I did so I could see my daughter" nothing I did or said would grant a hug started by her. She even once said she couldn't because I scared her. She had moved to sitting on floor against wall and said something to spark anger And hurt that I sat up in anger and started to shake my finger saying don't you dare.. the. Caught myself half way to sitting up and I laid back down and collected myself back to calm and in control. When she then said " what are you going to do hit me" 

I then stood up to grab pants and leave. She responded what going to leave me again.
I told her if she goes to that and saying I might hit her I was gone won't play that game. 

All was fine and I'm still in good place tonight. Had to get some off my chest. I can't understand people not wanting to continue writing and helping because I go back or fall down and I get it. Stop if you feel the need I am strong and can get through all this just need some help if I can get it and clarity of things from others to keep me strong and believing.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Affaircare said:


> Well based on the facts AS PRESENTED HERE I'd say this is SURELY a candidate for divorce. *Multiple affairs and multiple pregnancies from said affairs*...this even meets the "it's moral to divorce" standard!





Affaircare said:


> Well based on the facts AS PRESENTED HERE I'd say this is SURELY a candidate for divorce. *Multiple affairs and multiple pregnancies from said affairs*...this even meets the "it's moral to divorce" standard!





Affaircare said:


> Well based on the facts AS PRESENTED HERE I'd say this is SURELY a candidate for divorce. *Multiple affairs and multiple pregnancies from said affairs*...this even meets the "it's moral to divorce" standard!





Affaircare said:


> Well based on the facts AS PRESENTED HERE I'd say this is SURELY a candidate for divorce. *Multiple affairs and multiple pregnancies from said affairs*...this even meets the "it's moral to divorce" standard!





Affaircare said:


> Well based on the facts AS PRESENTED HERE I'd say this is SURELY a candidate for divorce. *Multiple affairs and multiple pregnancies from said affairs*...this even meets the "it's moral to divorce" standard!


Sorry, but I don't see a way for this to work, at least not if you want to maintain even the faintest shred of self-respect. You've gotten a lot of solid advice thus far, but I'll summarize... 

Detach. Document. File.

Oh, and the delay tactic (i.e. stop and get sandwich bread)...? OM may not have been there when you got there, but he may very well have been there BEFORE you got there.

Best of luck to your family.


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Cheating and abuse aren't your typical marital issues. They are different animals altogether. *They are issues that can't be compromised on, negotiated or bartered away.* They are also situations where ONLY ONE (the cheater or abuser) is to blame. 

Most abusers never stop being abusive. Some do but it takes: 


them recognizing that they are an abuser, 
acknowledging that they are to blame for all of the abuse, 
the desire to stop and the willingness to do the work to get better; and
actually doing the work (counseling, anger management etc.) to get better.

*Your wife doesn't do any of this.* *You can't make her do it* and continuing to engage her because you want your marriage to work is unhealthy for you. 

People can reconcile after cheating but that too takes a lot of work. Your wife would have to:

be TRULY remorseful, 
cut off all contact with the other man forever,
be fully transparent with you, 
go to counseling, 
comfort you whenever you're triggered because of the affair, read a lot of books on affairs, 
understand that you can't "just get over it", and 
stop blaming you for her decisions to continually cheat and repeatedly get pregnant and abort affair babies.

Again, *YOUR WIFE ISN'T DOING THIS.*

Mental health illnesses also don't go away on their own - you can treat them, manage them but not cure them. I'm not a psychologist but I suspect your wife to be suffering from a personality disorder of some kind, in addition to never having properly dealt with the past trauma of being raped. As far as I/We know, your wife isn't in counseling or under the regular care of a doctor for mental health issues.

Even still *past trauma like rape, having an abusive childhood or suffering from a mental health issue is not an excuse to cheat or abuse.* Speaking from experience as an abuse/rape survivor who has never cheated and abuses no one. There may be correlation but there is no causation and certainly no justification to go on and abuse and cheat other people.

Not sticking up for your wife may have been justified or it may not have been. I don't know and to be honest, I don't really care. What I do know is that is not the cause of her abuse towards you or her cheating nor even a semi-good excuse because THERE. IS. NO. EXCUSE. for cheating or abuse. So you need to let the guilt about that go. She uses your guilt about it to manipulate her into doing what you want her to do.

*If someone is cheating and they aren't willing to end an affair you need to walk away. If someone is being abusive and won't stop and get treatment, you need to walk away.*

I do hope that you keep writing on here but please know that I, am not supportive of your choices to keep engaging her. * I don't support you trying to reconcile when I have reason to believe that she's still cheating on you and emotionally abusing you* while your daughter gets a front-row seat. It just isn't right. 

I know you love her, I know it's hard for you to walk away. You've also become dependent on her and reliant of her abuse in her day to day life. This is your "normal", what you know and change is hard. However, it will be even harder on your daughter to grow up in such chaos. You say that you aren't afraid to lose her but actions speak louder than words. 

*Talking, shopping with, cuddling and hugging and crying in front of her is engaging her.*

As long as you engage her, you won't be able to detach and put forth the necessary steps to get healthy for yourself and for your little girl. 

So, detach Jarhead and go to counseling and I'll back that 100%.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

BOY did Miss Taken hit the nail on the head! Print that out and reread it! :iagree: :iagree:


----------



## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Jarhead, you have 3 threads going, copying and pasting.

Instead of copying and pasting each post into the 3 different threads, try just one thread to keep track of all the responses.


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Affaircare said:


> BOY did Miss Taken hit the nail on the head! Print that out and reread it! :iagree: :iagree:


Yeah. Where did she come from?


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Glad you are seeing things a little clearer.

Jarhead, your parents sensed something disturbing about her. As, i am willing to bet others did, but you ignored them all.

You are living the receipt.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

Long story short but want to get it out for input. Wife asked why I said I was done the other day but still at the house trying. I told her i love her but can't do the affair she is having. Somewhere in that sentence she yelled and came yo point of if I ever say I can't take or handle affair or him in pitcher or say it again she will be done for good because what I have done to her is worse than what she had done and its bull I could walk away after all she has done to save us and show. I turned to her and told her I can not do this anymore with him in the picture at all. That's made mad and upset. She yelled for a while and I returned a few no this no that. But stopped and just went quiet. Went upstairs and sat in room and she came up to do the same thing and I kept quiet. I don't want to leave the house. Just felt I needed to say this. She is now on couch downstairs crying.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Let her cry.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

I'm not going to go down unless I hear silence to check if cutting or fallen asleep

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

So she'll probably be as quiet as a mouse, just so that you come downstairs and engage with her. 

I see no hope for you until you learn that every action of hers, every word out of her mouth, is purely designed to manipulate you into doing whatever it is she wants from you.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

She has not done this but I need to know it. If she trays to cut or anything along those lines. That is her way for attention? Only choice is to call 911? That is only choice because if I stop her or comfort her to stop is her getting what she wants by me caring and feeling bad?

What if I was to stop her and comfort her but stick to not staying in marriage.

She is crying asking why I'm not there in a low voice. She doesn't know im close to where she is. 

I know she thinks because I have hurt her by saying I couldn't do the affair anymore which in turn made her cry and hurt so much she can't control her emotions. Since she can't control them and is hurting I should comfort her and make her feel better because I love her?

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Let her hit rock bottom. And call 911 if needed. 

Be careful and protect yourself. She is coming undone.


----------



## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

she doesn't love you, she hurts you.
and it doesn't look like she's changing any time soon.
that she continues the affair knowing it causes you so much suffering is evil.

please, find the strength to leave her.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

What does she say you have done that is so awful that she thinks she can openly have a boyfriend, have sex with him in your home, get pregnant by him multiple times and carry his baby?

Tell us honestly what she says you do or have done so that she feels she can say that her pain is both caused by you and is worse than the pain she causes you.

Tell us and we can give you a healthy perspective.

My sense is that she has brainwashed you. Tell us and let us help you counter the brainwashing with something reasonable.

You should not be caving into her cries for 'comfort.' You should call 911 if she threatens to hurt herself. You shouldn't be there for her while she carries on her affair.

There's lots that you shouldn't be doing, so start the process by telling us what she claims you have done to her and then listen to us when we respond to help you reverse the brainwashing.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jarhead said:


> She has not done this but I need to know it. If she trays to cut or anything along those lines. That is her way for attention? Only choice is to call 911? That is only choice because if I stop her or comfort her to stop is her getting what she wants by me caring and feeling bad?
> 
> What if I was to stop her and comfort her but stick to not staying in marriage.
> 
> ...


No comforting. No talking. No interaction of any kind unless it's about your daughter. And while you're at it, get a paternity test for your daughter.


----------



## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

jarhead said:


> I don't want to leave the house. Just felt I needed to say this.
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


You stay in the house. Kick her out. Keep the child with you. Technically you can't make her leave. I informed my WW that she needed to leave our house after about two weeks of fence sitting on weather she is leaving her AP or not. I told her that if she chooses to stay I will make her life here in our house very uncomfortable. No threats, but I was clear about it. It may not work but if your firm about it you stand a good chance. 

Tell her to go to her mother's until you figure out what you want to do. She doesn't need to know your plans.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She may love you. A lot. However, with her level of disrespect you *do* realise that her love for you just is not enough to stop her trying to hurt you?:scratchhead:


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

jarhead said:


> She has not done this but I need to know it. If she trays to cut or anything along those lines. That is her way for attention? Only choice is to call 911? That is only choice because if I stop her or comfort her to stop is her getting what she wants by me caring and feeling bad?
> 
> What if I was to stop her and comfort her but stick to not staying in marriage.
> 
> ...


Jarhead, 

I realize these may be new concepts for you, but there are two very common myths that you sound like you are believing, so I wanted to point them out to you. Do you see up above the underlined sentence? That's MYTH NUMBER ONE. The way you say it, it sounds like you think you can "MAKE" her cry...and that because of something YOU do, she then is unable to control herself. That is actually another one of her lies. In real life, no one "MAKES" anyone feel anything. As an example, you did the exact same thing to both myself and badmemory...but I chose to be patient and badmemory chose to be done until I wrote. (Now I'm not saying badmemory's choice was "good" or "bad"--it is 100% completely badmemory's choice to make and YOU did not "make" either one of us choose how to think or what to feel. WE chose that! Same for you and your wife. Now you two do live with each other and so you know each other and effect each other much more deeply, but the concept is still the same. You do not "MAKE" her cry, no matter what you do. She *chooses* to cry. 

Have you even known a couple where one of them lost their job and the other one just screamed and yelled and carried on, freaking out and crying and blaming their spouse for how scared they are and how much they are going to have to sacrifice (blahblahblah)? And yet another couple, the same exact thing happens, and the other one chooses to be shook up, stay calm, and talk with their spouse and say "How are we going to get through this together?" "I'm afraid, can you reassure me we'll be okay somehow?" and "Will we have to cut back?" See? People are responsible for how they choose to react, no matter what the circumstance. AND I realize you live so closely together that your actions are, indeed, likely to affect her and thus she chooses to feel ____....but she doesn't "have to"! She could just as easily choose to feel something else or be easy-going and roll with the punches (as they say). 

So *MYTH NUMBER ONE: YOU DO NOT 'MAKE' HER FEEL OR DO ANYTHING. *She chooses that, and as an adult, she is responsible for her choices. And along with Myth #1, is what I would call "part B"--*She is able to control herself*. She can control what she thinks, what she feels (her emotions), and what she does. Honestly, she just doe not want to be responsible for what she chooses to do, and so she blames you. She is trying to make you responsible for what she chooses, and you are swallowing it hook, line, and sinker! 

Okay, now, MYTH NUMBER TWO. Do you see up above the bolded sentence? Can you see how it relates to Myth #1? You say "_Since she can't control them _(Oh wait--she actually CAN control her emotions, she just wants to put responsibility for her feelings on you. If she wants to feel loved, she has to feel worthy of love within HERSELF) _and is hurting I should comfort her and make her feel better because I love her?_" 

Now that we have discussed Myth #1 and given a few examples, let's look at Myth #2. You are saying in this sentence that YOU are responsible to "make her feel better" because she is not able to make herself feel better!!! Did you ever think of it that way? I bet not! And I'm not saying this to be mean, but man NO ONE has that much power in a relationship. 

So *MYTH NUMBER TWO: YOU CAN NOT DO FOR HER WHAT SHE CAN NOT DO FOR HERSELF. *

It's not as if you are God and somehow by your actions you can control and fix all her problems. You may want to be the White Knight and save the damsel in distress, and I kind of "get that", but as much as you'd like to think that what YOU do can "make" her do or feel things, in real life you just aren't that powerful. If it were that way, YOU would completely be the boss over her, and any time you did <action #1, action #2, and action #3> she would feel <feeling A>. Well we already know that's not how it works! One day you do actions and she feels "supported" and the next day you do the exact same actions and she blames you for killing her babies! What gives?

I'll tell ya what gives--SHE chooses how to feel! 

Now I'll bet you have two very common thoughts in your head:

1) No...you don't understand: she really CAN NOT control herself! Okay, let me ask you this. She screams, yells, calls you names, and manipulates you...right? Does she do that to her boss at work--just uncontrollably fly off the handle? Does she do that to her friends--just start calling them names and blaming them for her actions? Does she do that to someone she respects and admires? If not, then guess what: SHE CAN CONTROL HERSELF. 

2) Why would she choose to feel like this? No one would choose to be miserable and hurting. Okay this one is a little tougher, but let's start with every action and every choice has both a cost and a benefit. A few examples: 
a) You choose to come here to TAM. The cost = you invest time reading and writing on this forum rather than reading a book or going to a counseling session. The benefit = it is free, and it is helping you to see the lies you've always assumed were true. 
b) I choose to eat the dinner my Dear Hubby made. The cost = I eat way too much because it's delicious and I don't exactly "diet". The benefit = he can see that I love his cooking, and he (rightly) believes he is a good cook. Love Kindlers are added to our fire of Love.

Now, let's look at why someone might choose to feel hurt and cry and miserable. Under normal circumstances the cost of choosing to feel miserable and hurt outweigh the benefits--hurting is sad, there's loss of happiness, and it's difficult. BUT what if the benefit was that you'd get what you want? You want reassurance, so yeah choosing to feel sad sux but the benefit of getting the reassurance...in their mind it's worth it! What if the benefit was getting their spouse to "give in" or "give up"? Enduring a little sorrow and pain to ultimately get their way may be worth it! And what if the benefit was to cover THEIR OWN RESPONSIBILITY and put the weight of that burden on the other person?! Hmmmmm....kinda makes you think, doesn't it? If she chose to have affairs and got pregnant several times as a result, and if she chose to abort her babies (as she calls them)...that would be really HARD to bear! Wouldn't it be of benefit to her if she could shift the responsibility for that HORRIBLE situation to someone OTHER THAN HERSELF? Suddenly the benefit is sounded pretty gigantic in comparison to a few tears and some moments of sorrow! 

That's some pretty unhealthy thinking, but I think that's kind of the way she views it. She doesn't want to be the one to say, "Yep I chose that. I made the decision; I did it; and I will bear the benefits and costs of that choice." In fact, I don't think she can even see that she is able to make those choices, because as if yet, she does not love her own self. 

In conclusion, jarhead, don't be taken in by MYTH #1 OR MYTH #2. Both are false. Got any questions?


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

P.S. Do you REALLY want to help your wife and help someone you love with their cutting and suicide threats? Okay...

The first thing is to be realistic about what you can achieve: As with any damaging behavior (such as alcoholism, drugs, or eating disorders), some people just may not be ready to acknowledge the problem and stop. So don't put too much pressure on yourself — your wife's problem likely is a longstanding one that requires help from a professional therapist or counselor, and it's just more than you can help her with.

Second, some ways to help:


*Tell someone.* If your friend asks you to keep the cutting a secret, say that you aren't sure you can because you care. Getting treatment may help your wife overcome the problem. Your wife WILL be mad at you at first. But studies show that 90% of those who self-injure are able to stop within a year of beginning treatment.
*Help your wife find resources.* Try to help your wife find someone to talk to and a place to get treatment. There are also some good books and online support groups.
*Help your wife friend find alternatives to cutting. *Some people find that the urge to self-injure passes if they squeeze an ice cube in their hand really hard, draw with a red marker on the body part they feel like cutting, take a walk, stroke their cat or dog, play loud music and dance, or find another distraction or outlet for their feelings. These strategies don't take the place of getting professional counseling, but they can help in the short run.
*Be a good role model.* Everyone experiences painful emotions like hurt, anger, loss, disappointment, guilt, or sadness. Show her how you deal with those emotions using skills like knowing how to calm yourself down when you're upset, putting feelings into words, and working out solutions to everyday problems.

What if she refuses treatment? Some people aren't ready to face what they're going through — and you can't blame yourself for that. It can be really hard when someone you love just won't let you help. But don't take on the burden as your own or feel responsible for someone else's behavior. Be sure to care for yourself and don't allow yourself to be drained or pulled down by your wife's situation.

And jarhead, bear in mind that these suggestions are for someone who is fairly healthy and supported to offer assistance to someone who is not so stable. Well in your instance, you are waking up but not entirely healthy yourself, and you sure aren't supported! I think it is entirely possible that the most loving thing you can do at this point is to care for yourself and not let yourself be pulled down because she won't deal with herself.


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

tulsy said:


> Jarhead, you have 3 threads going, copying and pasting.
> 
> Instead of copying and pasting each post into the 3 different threads, try just one thread to keep track of all the responses.


I agree Jarhead, you should consolidate your threads. Although, Jar did go into more detail about the "rape" in the Men's Clubhouse. The details of which I found a bit sketchy as his wife is very sketchy. I think Jarhead needs to let the guilt go over his wife's alleged rape and the wife definitely needs individual counseling regardless. 



Affaircare said:


> BOY did Miss Taken hit the nail on the head! Print that out and reread it! :iagree: :iagree:


It means a lot to get a compliment from you as you were a big help to me when I first got here. 



illwill said:


> Yeah. Where did she come from?


Thanks to you too!


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Affaircare said it better than I could have. I really hope you let it sink in because she said what I and others are thinking and it doesn't get much clearer than that.

The only thing that I would add to it is:

*Even if you are able to calm your wife down, you aren't helping her get better.* Even worse, you're enabling her to treat you like this and enabling her to repeat those self-harming behaviours. 

It's not only rewarding to get you to jump through hoops to please her. All of this reassurance: your hugs, your admitting defeat and accepting all of the blame when she freaks out, and saying you love her only treats the symptom in the moment.  So while it may calm her down (for now), *it does not treat the underlying cause of your wife's abusive, erratic, suicidal and self-harming behaviours.* Only her willingness to get into therapy and work on HERSELF will help her and YOU CAN'T FIX HER.

Lastly, please pay attention to Affaircare's point about how your wife IS CHOOSING to act this way. 

She beat me to the punch when she said, that if you can stop yourself from self-harming and getting hysterical or displaying abusive behaviours at work, school or to friends; but can't do it at home with your husband, she is capable of making a choice. 

So your reassurance is only good enough until it happens again and she decides when it happens again.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

Thank you guys for all your input and I have skimmed over it as its been a very long weekend. I thought I had gotten some clear understanding as to why my wife does what she does. Abandonment issues. Does not justify at all but could understand a little better and show me I need to try and get her to get help for herself. 

But sad to say I go curious after she reassured me that she barely talked to him and that it was only to feel wanted by someone. Nothing more and so on. But she fell asleep way early tonight and for the first time in a long time o took her phone (she had mentioned last night that I could read her phone if I didn't believe she didn't talk to him much). Well that's a lie and I found I love you I want you babe this and that. Lots of stuff that just destroyed me inside. I will reread post here shortly hopefully to get some calming feeling back and clear my head. 
I am sorry but I might go quiet on here for a while because I just simple can't take this all anymore. 

Also I will try to move my other posts all to this one. 

Thank you all for the help and directions to help understand and wake up from the clouded head I have.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

jarhead said:


> Thank you all for the help and directions to help understand and wake up from the clouded head I have.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_



JAR HEAD.... you mean, and not a clouded head.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

I mean the fog confusion I have had so long. I'm starting to see through it more now.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Yeah I get what you mean. It's kind of like you were clouded over before because you believed you could "make" someone feel something or you could help them/rescue them somehow. But then you start to wake up and realize that being called names and being blamed for their choices is actually abusive! At first you just don't believe it, and then when you DO believe it, it's like waking up from a really deep sleep. It starts to clear up and suddenly scales fall from your eyes and you can see the TRUTH...and when lies come along again sometimes they confuse you because you know it's not true but can't quite see the lie. 

You know, if you take one step forward in your personal growth, and then pause to really understand it, and then take another step forward...you are still growing at your own pace. This stuff can be exhausting! Take a minute and catch your breath.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

I just wish I could understand why she is doing this why its always a loose loose for me. She is begging for me to give her attention in all the wrong ways. And even when I give her attention when its all good nothing she provoked or manipulated me to give it is still used later in such a wrong way. And I can't seem to find a way to show her affection or love without it having to be wrong, for the wrong reasons (her hurting because of something untrue and so on) or to be looked at as well I'll give you what you want but its OK to continue the affair. And if I try to leave or even go to another room during a fight its ww3 or if I say I'm done can't anymore I'm selfish and she falls into anger, hurting, crying, self harm situation. Or of I offer how we could start fixing things its rejected for some reason about me being selfish. All about me, on my time, I want the world, or she's already tried that. I just am confused and hurt. I just haveing really hard time with it all.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

O and one thing that drove my mind crazy she told me she is not with me or the OM I'm not her husband she doesn't see me that way because I can be what she needs. But other times and recently she will stateiI need my husband to .... or your my husband you should..

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

jarhead said:


> Thank you guys for all your input and I have skimmed over it as its been a very long weekend. I thought I had gotten some clear understanding as to why my wife does what she does. Abandonment issues. Does not justify at all but could understand a little better and show me I need to try and get her to get help for herself.
> 
> But* sad to say I go curious after she reassured me that she barely talked to him and that it was only to feel wanted by someone*. Nothing more and so on. But she fell asleep way early tonight and for the first time in a long time o took her phone (she had mentioned last night that I could read her phone if I didn't believe she didn't talk to him much). Well that's a lie and I found I love you I want you babe this and that. Lots of stuff that just destroyed me inside. I will reread post here shortly hopefully to get some calming feeling back and clear my head.
> I am sorry but I might go quiet on here for a while because I just simple can't take this all anymore.
> ...


Dude she's been pregnant by the same man twice that you might know of. It doesn't matter what she says. Only her actions. Once again. Pregnant twice.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

I agree actions she continues to take shows she does not want to fix this right now and maybe (now that you say this) im to focused on her past attempts to fix it and not on current state of marriage. 

Is it reasonable or i guess ok to disregared past attempts to fix the marriage and only look at the current state of marriage? 
Since she says she wants to fix the marriage still to this day but in current state of marriage she is having an affair and is pregnant by the OM?



I also am talking on another forum (out of the FOG) and posted something that i felt i needed to copy here incase i did not do so already.

*******So my wife says she knows it was wrong and she should have never done it and shows some little bit of remorse. She seems to solely blame me by stating if you so and so I wouldn't have went to someone else. But when confronting her she says that it's not all on me but if so and so I wouldn't have. Also at that same time she will point out that she tried to tell me she needed more and did things like flaunting herself to me, or coming to my work for lunch as a surprise to motivate me to meet her wants and needs. I know j did ignore/not see a lot of those things and I believe I had high suspensions for her affair during that time. 
As for turnjng the hurt and pain around to focus on her yes she does. Comes back to the affair is a minor little things compared to what I have done to her, I should get over the affair, and if I hadn't so and so she would of never gone to someone else. And since I can't make her feel safe, wanted, loved, comforted, or be her rock she can't take the hurt of me not doing those things and life so she would be dead probably if the OM wasn't in the picture. I don't believe she has ever acknowledge the pain it has caused me or mistrust because she says she has done everything else a wife should do. 

As for fix she has tried to hut keeps him around either continuing to see him and everything else or were just friends he needs me because he's so hurt about loss of baby (he believes it was a miscarage) and that's my fault. And he is the only friend I have that really cares. Nothing else were just friends that talk and hangout some times. Also I have told her all I need is for her to end affair and agree to marriage Counsling. She would not do it because I want 100% and give nothing to her and its always on my time since she has stopped seeing and talking to him for a little while (until she sees no change in me, and this was a short time) and she gave up to baby's and stopped with him completely after abortions but I didn't change so she went back. Also I promised to stop chewing after second abortion to show I wanyed us/ better fertility once or marriage was fixed to have another baby of our own. I could not quit or just wouldn't so to her it was a slap in the face saying I didn't love or care or respect her and her abortion was meaningless to me.******


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

I have a few questions as generic as I can be to hopefully get a better grasp on what I keep fighting with for some reason.
-Is an affair ever ok to have?
- Having and abortion of a baby conceived out of an affair, should that be seen as sacrifice made to fix marriage and i should see it as a major attempt to fix marriage?
- unwilling to end affair mean marriage cant be saved ?
-unwilling to go to marriage counseling or individual mean they don’t want to save marriage/ marriage cant be saved?
- Asking to end an affair no matter what I have done to hurt her, is that selfish and me asking her to give 100% and to much to ask for?
-if affair cant be ended does that mean there is no chance for saving marriage at least right now?
- me being unable to show affection, comforting, and voice my thought of her beauty and love for her be understandable. Also me not being able to do those fully be a reason for her to turn back to OM?
- supporting as much as I can, taking care of all I can, and comforting/ supporting her in pregnancy of affair (buying prenatal, doing chores, letting her rest while I work, so on) should that show a huge amount of my caring and loving her?
- If she does everything at home like she should (house care, taking care of daughter, making dinners, leaving meals for me when I get home, stay at home things) and remind me she loves me but does not end affair. Is that still trying? Should I also try and understand her trying and wanting to fix this even though affair kills me?
- Is me saying I cant take affair anymore and cant support her like she needs with pregnancy selfish and only about me not seeing her needs or caring about her needs?

I know a lot of this has been answered but I need to try and simplify things as im getting lost in what she says and what I feel.


----------



## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

jarhead said:


> I have a few questions as generic as I can be to hopefully get a better grasp on what I keep fighting with for some reason.
> -Is an affair ever ok to have? *No it's never OK*
> - Having and abortion of a baby conceived out of an affair, should that be seen as sacrifice made to fix marriage and i should see it as a major attempt to fix marriage? *No you should not. She should not have had an affair in the first Place. And she should have used a condom.*
> - unwilling to end affair mean marriage cant be saved ? *Yes! She doesn't want to end the A because she is broken or doesn't love you. Either way she is not fit to be in a relashinship. She will never get it and you will be hurt again and again and again if you stay.*
> ...


Your W have you around her finger so tight if you ever question any of these questions. I'm amased that you need to ask them. 

Your wife doesn't love you she is abusing you and using you.

For your own sake you need to leave and divorce her. You are already a Shell of a man, You will end up as nothing if you stay. 

Also Think about what rolemodeling you are showing your kids? Do you want them to behave as your wife when they grow old enough?

What future do you want for yourself and your kids? One of missery and pain or one where you find somebody that loves you and respects you?


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

jarhead,

I just read through your entire thread and am nearly speechless at the amount of disrespect you seem to be willing to put up with form your WW and the POSOM.

I am a believer that there are great and simple truths transmitted in all forms of art: painting, sculpture, poetry, film, etc.

I think a great example of this is a line from Scarface that really has great meaning for your life situation right now if you finally decide to step up and take control of your life. This is it:

"there are only two things I have in this world...my b**ls and my word, and I don't break either of them for anyone" (well maybe not the exact quote but I don't have the time to check for sure)

You need to start living this attitude ASAP.

File D papers on your worthless and faithless WW immediately.

And find this POS who keeps F'ing up your personal life and put an end, one way or another, to his interference in your life. 

After all you have been through because of this motherf***er, how does he even have any teeth left in his mouth?

Send this POS a CLEAR and UNEQUIVOCAL message that he will pay a HEAVY price if he continues to F with your family in any way.

This guy is screwing up your daughter's family...if for no other reason, the fact that he is messing with your child's life should motivate you to finally deal with this scumbag piece of filth once and for all.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Jarhead, my nephew is just like you in so many ways. His wife had 6 babies. I don't think one of them was his. Their 1st, T, lived with them for a few years until the state took her and put her up for adoption. THe next five, the state was there basically at delivery and took everyone of them and put them up for adoption. My brother and SIL did nothing. My brother is bi-polar and does not have the mental ability to raise any more children. My SIL tried to intervene (she is a nurse) but the state convinced her (I believe correctly) to let them handel it. The children all meet once a year with my brother and SIL along with their adoptive parents. One of the adoptive parents requested this and all parties agreed. But my nephew and niece are not allowed around their children.


Rarely in my experience in counseling have I seen a person like yourself leave a marriage like this. You are staying for all the wrong reasons. You are being abused, yet you blame yourself. You look at any glimmer of hope, a smile, a kind word, a meal, anything your wife does that is remotely positive, you lapped it up, like a dog licking crumbs off a plate. And sadly you will continue with questions, justification for staying, etc.

What you need to realize is that your wife is broken, and broken big time. Her mind is in such a state that no matter what you do, it will not change a thing. It has nothing to do with you. 

You need to end this marriage and stop with all the questions.

You need to stop looking at your wife as your security blanket.

She will not change.

Get out of this marriage, leave her, and make sure you get help to get custody of your child.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

jarhead -

Your wife's way of thinking is from another universe.

Unless you begin to believe that she has a fvcked up way of thinking and that she is fvcking you up with it, you won't get your life in order.

You need to STOP listening to her. Get away and get your head straight.

A very simple answer is that you never stay in a marriage when your spouse continues an affair.

Another very simple answer is that if your wife has a baby by another man while she is married to you, you DIVORCE her.

Stop talking to her. Stop listening to her.

You are right. She is wrong.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So what happened to you talking to your father/brother/uncle/male friends to figure out how to deal with this like a man should? I thought you said they were giving you advice on stopping all this crap?


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

My friend is still helping me push forward. 
I seem to have pushed on my forward movement.
Today I'm attempting to make more steps forward.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Like what?


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

Trying to move forward with separating

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jarhead said:


> Trying to move forward with separating


Doesn't sound like it. Sounds like you're trying to justify STAYING.


> I have a few questions as generic as I can be to hopefully get a better grasp on what I keep fighting with for some reason.
> -Is an affair ever ok to have?
> - Having and abortion of a baby conceived out of an affair, should that be seen as sacrifice made to fix marriage and i should see it as a major attempt to fix marriage?
> - unwilling to end affair mean marriage cant be saved ?
> ...


----------



## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

In reading your story I can only see the similarities with my own marriage failure. I too tried and it seemed not to work. I have to be honest and say from my experience that she possibly may not want to work it out. To me that is what I am reading. My ex did the EXACT SAME THING. They say they want it but that is far from the truth. I am still trying to cope and it has been three years so my advice to you is try hard not to cling on to something that cannot be fixed. If you need to vent and no one listens just hit me on private I am willing to listen no matter what. Really sit down and think about what you really see and then it will be clearer to make a decision.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No offense, but I don't recommend that a man and a woman both with major problems 'hit' each other on private. I've already seen one lady here fun into a full PA with a guy here.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

I asked those questions for reassurance I am truly thinking correctly and I'm not wrong or crazy in thinking them

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jarhead, I haven't seen a single person on your threads telling you that SHE is right and YOU are wrong.

Isn't that enough for you?

If not, then that should tell you that what's wrong is not who is wrong, but what's wrong with YOU that you can't walk away.


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

> Is an affair ever ok to have?


*NO!* It's never okay to cheat on your spouse. Anyone that tells you otherwise is making a justification for an unjustifiable choice. 



> Having and abortion of a baby conceived out of an affair, should that be seen as sacrifice made to fix marriage and i should see it as a major attempt to fix marriage?


NO. Your wife had no right to cheat on you. If she didn't cheat, she wouldn't have gotten pregnant in the first place. Also, if she really felt she was _"sacrificing" _for your marriage, it wouldn't of happened the second time and she wouldn't be pregnant now. As an aside, let me first state that I am pro-choice. However being pro-choice doesn't mean that I support your wife's choices to use abortion as a contraceptive method. Many women who have had one abortion say it's something they never ever want to do again. Your wife has had two by the same man while married to you. It doesn't seem like it was that hard for her in my opinion.



> Unwilling to end affair mean marriage cant be saved?


YES. Unless you want an open-marriage then your wife will have to be willing to and put an end to her affair. That's the bottom line.



> Unwilling to go to marriage counseling or individual mean they don’t want to save marriage/ marriage cant be saved?


YES. Your wife and your marriage is so screwed up. She doesn't have the tools to fix her self. It is impossible for you to fix her. If she's not willing to go to counseling for herself and for the marriage it means she doesn't care and what she's doing now will continue.



> Asking to end an affair no matter what I have done to hurt her, is that selfish and me asking her to give 100% and to much to ask for?


*NOT AT ALL!* There is no excuse for an affair. An affair is 100% the responsibility and fault of the cheater. Whatever marital problems you had before the affair did not cause her to cheat on you.



> If affair cant be ended does that mean there is no chance for saving marriage at least right now?


YES.



> Me being unable to show affection, comforting, and voice my thought of her beauty and love for her be understandable. Also me not being able to do those fully be a reason for her to turn back to OM?


NO! You cannot make *anyone **do **anything*. If she cheats it's because she chooses to cheat. It won't be a result of anything you did or said or didn't say or do. It will because she is making a choice to cheat on you.



> - supporting as much as I can, taking care of all I can, and comforting/ supporting her in pregnancy of affair (buying prenatal, doing chores, letting her rest while I work, so on) should that show a huge amount of my caring and loving her?


*NO! * Doing all of the above is telling her, _"I'm okay with your affair and to blame for it. By the way, thank you for getting pregnant again with the other man, I'm really looking forward to raising his baby and working my butt off to support your illegitimate child. I'll also watch the kids for you while you and other man make love, I don't mind."_ Everything you're doing to support and show love to her is enabling her to keep treating you like a piece of sh!t.



> If she does everything at home like she should (house care, taking care of daughter, making dinners, leaving meals for me when I get home, stay at home things) and remind me she loves me but does not end affair. Is that still trying?


All of the above - the cooking, the cleaning, supervising children is stuff she would have to do whether you were together or not. It's called life Jarhead, we all have meals to make and dishes to wash and if we have kids - kids to parent whether married or single. So if she does what all grown ups do in their day-to-day life. *NO**, that's not trying to work on your marriage* - it's called being an adult and doing what adults everywhere on earth routinely have to do in order to live their lives.



> Should I also try and understand her trying and wanting to fix this even though affair kills me?


I WOULDN'T SUGGEST IT. Your wife is a selfish human being. She feels entitled to have you and the affair whether it kills you inside or not. She has already told you to just get over it because she doesn't care and doesn't want you to try to make her care. 



> Is me saying I cant take affair anymore and cant support her like she needs with pregnancy selfish and only about me not seeing her needs or caring about her needs?


NO. It's called *SURVIVAL*. You are a victim of very serious emotional abuse - some of the worst I've seen when it comes to the amount of brain-washing you've fallen under. There is no other way but out at this time. 

What's selfish is staying and having your daughter grow up in this chaotic home because you're afraid of change. Her main role-model is a mother that cuts herself, tries to kill herself, flaunts her cheating in front of her father, emotionally batters her father and gets pregnant multiple times. If you stay, I wouldn't be surprised if drug abuse, promiscuous sex, teenage pregnancies, cutting, and welfare checks were in your daughters future.

You are also killing your potential by staying. This will kill you emotionally. We're already seeing the signs as you're so numb to her abuse and the things she says. I wonder who Jarhead could be in life with a supportive spouse, a healthy self-esteem and confidence? What things could a man like that accomplish in his life?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What about this: When your mother was raising you, did she want you to marry someone who would bring other men into YOUR bed? 

No?

Then why do you accept it?


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

jarhead said:


> I asked those questions for reassurance I am truly thinking correctly and I'm not wrong or crazy in thinking them
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


Jarhead, first I feel for where you are at in all this. But you are not thinking correctly. I have read every single post you have written. A bunch of others here on TAM have read your posts. And it is painful to see you sitting on a darn fence and painful to see that your eyes are not open to the truth about your wife.

Here is a little scenerio:

If you were hanging off a cliff and needed help and if you did not recieve that help you would plunge to your death. If the only person around was your wife, would she come to your rescue? I would wager all I have to say she would stand at the the edge of the cliff looking down and laugh as you plunged to your death.


You are not crazy in the true definition of the word, but your wife's actions and behaviors are affecting your thinking, affecting your emotional state of mind. Most people in this situation would not have the ability to think correctly. 

If you need reassurance by asking these questions then ask them, but you have been given very good answers and are hesitant to take the next step. I imagine it is hard for you to do this but I want to give you some reassurance.

1. When you end this marriage you will be OK.
2. You will find peace in your life when you wife is out of your life.
3. You are stronger then you think.
4. Your life will be better in the future no matter what it seems right now.
5. You have friends here and we are here to support you. But as as friends we will not allow you to be stupid and we will challenge you on things that we believe are not in your best interest.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

OK last question as I no longer can even seem to function and am loosing grasp of any self control at all. 

Is it possible to push and make someone start acting the way she is? Say emotinaly battering her to the point she looses it and reacts the way she does. 
Over and over she says I push her to break and act the way she does and make her go to the point of wanting to die.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

jarhead said:


> OK last question as I no longer can even seem to function and am loosing grasp of any self control at all.
> 
> Is it possible to push and make someone start acting the way she is? Say emotinaly battering her to the point she looses it and reacts the way she does.
> Over and over she says I push her to break and act the way she does and make her go to the point of wanting to die.
> ...


NO.
It's how she is, who she is.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Really? So every time she lied down, spread her legs, and let another guy get on top of her, she was thinking 'oh, my husband is so mean to me, I just can't think of anything else to do but let this man screw me'?

Go ask your dad that.


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

jarhead said:


> OK last question as I no longer can even seem to function and am loosing grasp of any self control at all.
> 
> Is it possible to push and make someone start acting the way she is? Say emotinaly battering her to the point she looses it and reacts the way she does.
> Over and over she says I push her to break and act the way she does and make her go to the point of wanting to die.
> ...


No, and though I know that we're only getting one side of the story here but if you've been telling the truth on this forum, I am almost certain that you've never emotionally battered your wife. Your wife is playing the victim, blame-shifting and guilt tripping you so that you won't focus on her wrong-doing.

Even if you did batter her in anyway, (and I highly doubt it), it wouldn't push her to cheat, it wouldn't push her to kill herself. If she does any of those things it's because she's choosing to do them. She chooses to cheat on you and chooses to threaten you with self-harming behaviours as a means to control you into doing what she wants you to do. 

Threatening to cut yourself or commit suicide if you leave her or don't do what she wants you to do is very extreme manipulation on her part. It's how she gets you to stay. The fear that she'll hurt herself when you leave is chaining you to her because if she did it, you'd feel like it was all your fault. 

Well, guess what? If she does it (I hope she doesn't) but if she did, it would be her choice and her fault. I had an abusive boyfriend when I was younger and he would threaten suicide to me whenever he sensed I wanted to break-up. Eventually I had to leave. I am not responsible for someone else's choices. He is still alive by the way.

You should really think about what those threats say about her as a mother. If she's really willing to end her life over you leaving and leave her daughter motherless, how selfish is that?! To even bluff about it as a means to control you, shows a lack of concern for your daughter as well. 

You can't make anyone do anything. I keep repeating myself because it's true. Blaming you for her choices is not only a real sign of immaturity, but it's more manipulation as well. 

It's called blame-shifting. What your wife is saying is no different from a wife-beater who says, "I wouldn't have beaten you if you didn't provoke me into doing it." If you can recognize that it's never okay for a man - no matter how angry to beat his wife, then you can transfer that logic onto how what you're wife is doing is not okay and not your fault.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

So I've needed to take a step back from everything. I pushed myself so far that I simply couldn't take in anymore or think anymore. Ontop of it lost a friend yesterday so had a memorial to go to yesterday. 

But thank you for puttin. it into reference as physical abuse no matter how provoked should not happen. Made me look at it a little diffrent. 

I also caught my wofe today while we were at library getting books tosay for my daughter . I caught my wife with a book in her hand " I hate you, dont leave me" I was in shock because that's exactly what she is saying and doing all the time. Then the next part took me even more by surprise. She was talking about how her counselor in the past said she might have borderline personality disorder which thats what the book was about. Then she followed with " I read skim through the book and see some of these things and starting thinking there is no way this is not me" just surprised how obviously she couldn't see what she was doing. 

I will check back in and post here sometime tomorrow. Workload and energy level is gone.

Thank you all

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You're a Marine? I thought you guys were supposed to be badasses. Why are you letting her chump you this way?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

I am not a marine. Nick name was one given long ago that has just stuck. and really was anything you said productive or needed?


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *By Jarhead*
> I found I love you I want you babe this and that. Lots of stuff that just destroyed me inside



*What is it going to take for you to stop talking and start taking some actions that has been given by almost everyone on this thread? *
*Do you want to keep getting destoyed?*

Some actions that I would suggest is for you to get some help right there in your area. Get someone than can help you be stronger as you are so weak that you are allowing yourself to becoming a door mat and to lose your self respect.* If you do not start taking action you will get worse than you are right now!*


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

jarhead said:


> I am not a marine. Nick name was one given long ago that has just stuck. and really was anything you said productive or needed?


Okay you're not a Matine. 

But again I ask why are you letting her chump you?

I see self hatred in you. You need to get to a therapist undo all the damage this woman has done to you. 

Oh....and you need to divorce her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Borderline Personality Disorder. I and everyone of my counseling coworkers would be reluctant to work with a person with BPD or PD. In fact we would all refer them elsewhere. Folks with BPD are very difficult to do therapy with and often times they fail in treatment.

This makes sense in what you have been saying about your wife. She has the criteria for this diagnosis (IMO).

Very little can be done for her. It takes a very special counselor to deal with her and with the two of you in couple's therapy, and the outcomes are not very positive.

The out of control sex is very indicative of many folks with BPD. So though I understand this behavior there is no way I would ever excuse it. Folks like this need strong boundaries and a person to keep telling them "NO". And a person with BPD hate to be told "NO". But that is just one of several things that this type of person needs in their life.

Jarhead, please don't stay in this marriage. It will only get worse. I do have pity on your wife, but please realize that you can't fix this.


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

That book that your wife picked up might be worth for YOU to read. It will help you what's going on with her even better. I'm not surprised to hear that she's been thought of/diagnosed with BPD. This disorder comes up frequently on abuse support groups. Your wife's behaviour is in line with what I've read on similar sites. 

Please stay the course. I'm sorry about the loss of your friend.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

I found the book to read along with others. The more I open my eyes the more j am seeing. Today twice already have I had conversations that were her angry and attacking that were simply not justified. I'm attempting to learn more on all this

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

Good on you J, you sound like you are getting there! 


This website may help you gain some more insight too.

for men who are recovering from relationships with abusive women and the non-abusive family and friends who love them | Shrink4Men


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

I will look into it thank you. 

I'm reading walking in egeshells about borderline personality and wow does this hit home. 

I feel bad because I see what she has been saying and feel for so long but Idk how or if I can help/move past the pain and hurt of her actions. 

I'm really lost at this point and no clue where to turn. Only thing I can try for now is to learn and speak with counselor. 

Sadly enough (not sure if I have posted this story yet) my why maybe be going to jail for a little while along with state required anger,alchohal, and some other classes. Who knows god for bid she has to be foreced like this but maybe it will be a posative

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

jarhead said:


> I stayed up to ...check and make sure she didn't cut or hurt herself.


Jarhead, I'm sorry I didn't see this comment when you posted it three weeks ago (2/19). Self mutilation like cutting is so strongly associated with BPD that it is one of the nine defining traits used in diagnosing this disorder. Indeed, a 2004 hospital study found that _"the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder."_ See Understanding those who se... [J Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv. 2004] - PubMed - NCBI.


jarhead said:


> I caught my wife with a book in her hand " _*I hate you, don't leave me*_" I was in shock because that's exactly what she is saying and doing all the time.


Jarhead, that's the #2 best-selling book about BPD. It's targeted to abused spouses just like you.


jarhead said:


> I'm reading "*Stop Walking on Eggshells*" about borderline personality and wow does this hit home.


That's the #1 best selling BPD book and it also is targeted to the abused spouses.


> I'm really lost at this point and no clue where to turn. Only thing I can try for now is to learn and speak with counselor.


Like you, Jarhead, I was married to a BPDer -- for 15 years in my case. Based on my experience, I offer the following advice:

*As an initial matter,* given that you may stay with your W a while longer, I agree with MissTaken that you would be wise to read both of your BPD books. If you decide to get a divorce, also read _Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder._ That book is important because, when divorcing a BPDer, things will get nasty and vindictive very quickly. It is written by the same author who wrote the _Eggshells_ book you have.

*Second,* I suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDfamily.com -- the largest and most active BPD forum I've found that is devoted fully to the spouses and family members of BPDers. This issue is such an enormous problem that that website is growing by 20 new members every day. The result is that it offers eight separate message boards on various BPD issues. The ones that likely will be most helpful to you are the "_Staying"_ board, _"Leaving"_ board, and _"Parenting after the Split"_ board.

*Third,* I suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain candid professional advice on how to proceed in a way that best protects you and your 3-year-old daughter from your W's dysfunctional behavior. He also will help you realize that, by trying to shelter and protect your W from the consequences of her dysfunctional behavior, you've been harming her. 

That is, your enabling behavior has destroyed every opportunity she's had to be forced to confront her own issues and learn how to fix them. If she is a BPDer, she has the emotional development of a four year old. It's time she be allowed to suffer the logical consequences of her own bad choices. Otherwise, she has no incentive to learn how to grow up emotionally.

*Fourth*, please don't forget those of us on this TAM forum. We want to keep trying to answer your questions and providing emotional support as long as you find our shared experiences helpful. Moreover, by sharing your own experiences here, you likely are helping many other members and lurkers. This thread alone has already attracted nearly 4,000 views.

*Fifth,* while you are at BPDfamily.com, I suggest you read the excellent articles in their resources section. My favorite is #9 at T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York. 

*Finally,* I also recommend you read about my experiences of living with a BPDer at my post in Maybe's Thread. If that post rings some bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Others likely will do so too. There are more than a dozen frequent contributors to this forum -- like Affaircare, MissTaken and Thorburn in posts above -- who have much experience with BPDers. And there are many active contributors who, having BPD themselves, are able to provide great insights from their own perspective. Take care, Jarhead.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

NVM.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I believe Uptown's post is the best advice you've received yet. Keep learning, jarhead. Keep opening your eyes and seeing the real truth.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

I appreciate all the help. I will check out the other forum and I have both books I hate you and egg shells on PDF so I can print and read. I'm just hitting a point of loosing my strength and trying to regain it so I can actually function again. 

I will keep posting as much as I can. 

I never thought about how many have seen this post and how many it may have helped. Puts a positive on all of this thank you pointing it out

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Remember what I said about taking a step forward and then stopping and resting at that point? You aren't losing ground or going back to where you were, just pausing to catch your breath. 

That's cool. It's still moving forward and making progress and growing and learning. Take some time to do something relaxing and fun...a little break. This is a long marathon, not a short sprint.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

So this weekend was odd because it was kinda smooth. There was lots of times I was at high anxiety and worry about what I was going to do or say to upset or cause an issue or wrong but thourgh the weekend it was only small looks or remarks that were unneeded in my eyes but nothing big. 

We went seen friends and had an ok time. I still feel like im going crazy and loosing my mind. But I have friends reminding me im not crazy and just to keep working at myself and some pushing me to make a decision, Stay and learn to deal or just leave. 

I have so much doubt still and confusion I don't feel I can make a decision and even though I am hurting so bad and to be honest don't know any way I can handle this baby from OM that I almost feel no choice but to leave for myself, my wife and our daughter. Yet im still afraid of the outcome of me leaveing ( my wife suicidial) and simply loving her so much and the fact maybe I am crazy and have issues and will be throwing away such an amazing wife for dealing with me. All at the same time knowing im not so bad and im not crazy and simply I know I deserve more.

I am now using BPDfamily.com and trying to learn more. Also seeing mother in law either having some same issues and supporting in the push to stay or wanting me to just try harder and be better. I no longer feel I can trust going to her when she has been there a lot.

Tomorrow is a big day so well see how it turns out. Afraid of her emotinaly state going south and me having to go to work will end in some big problems. So we will see and I have to work and make money/keep my job


----------



## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Im disappointed you went out with her. Your getting all this great advice and then you do that. She's peaceful because she's getting what she wants from you, staying together. 

I'll just say your not making any head way doing that and you have no respect for yourself. I keep hoping your going to pull your head out of your ass. You get close and then you stick it right back in there. 
Here's an easy assignment for you. Look up in the dictionary these words:
Honor, Respect and Courage.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

I agree with you. Even now at the moment she is blatenty tells me she's going to see him. And I'm angry hurt everything to point of shaking but can't fing leave. 
I have no idea what is so wrong with me.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I know it's very hard for you to make the decision to leave permanently, but can you leave for a while?


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

I honestly don't know. 
I get sucked back in
My daughter I want to see 
Everything that helps me calm down and relax Is at home(I'm a personal mechanic. Working on rigs keeps me relaxed. Well use to a lot more)

I know I should give up all that besides my daughter. 
Honestly it feels as if I'm kept to stretched thin and tired. And craving for some me time when I do have a little extra time when everyone is asleep. That there is no time to learn or build on myself or even mental strength to take in anything new or to push my self forward. I can only seem to make it through the day

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

And everything that destroys your heart and your peace is at home as well. Maybe if you train yourself in small steps to take time away from your WW, that would be a start.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

I've been attempting to do that. Even if its taking care of her horse for her since she feels sick. Its time for me. 

I just stress and worry about how long I take or what she is going to be angry about when i get hone and the one I hate trying to keep peace before work so it does not end up in a fight or disaster to where I can't go to work.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

If you are to weak to help yourself then find someone, some organization, anything that can help you get stronger. You are weak and full of fear and have trapped yourself.

It is obvious that we here at TAM are not enough to get you going in the right direction even though you have been given very good advice. 

*Find someone, friend, family, place of worship, counselor, support groups, anything just get HELP!!!* If you are embarrassed to get help in person then remember; your choice right now is that you can lose your face or lose your AZZ! Lose your face and get help in your community so that you can get a LOT better.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

Thank you. I have gotten alot of great advice and plan on rereading the whole thread tonight if i can. 

I want to refocus on this topic here if possible.

1- I need to find a way to focus on myself without causing more issues for myself.

2- I need to know the best way or anyway to find the real truth and what reality really is. 

Everyone has told me what she is doing and i belive it but i need to be able to see it also.


----------



## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

It's very hard when the person that is supposed to be the one you turn to for help is in fact the person causing all of your pain.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

You are dead on there. I swear its like i break and talk to her for a minute i am good. But god can she kill me


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

My wife and I were talking about how government is messed up and how someone saying something can turn into innocent people in trouble. And she brought up her charged with wreck less driving and wreck less endangerment because I was hit by her truck, I believe I walked out in front or into side of truck whole she was leaving (I was drunk) to stop her from leaving ( I thought she was also drunk) and since me and roommate said she hit me (truck she was driving hit me) meant she knowingly did it/on purpose and didn't stop just drove away. She feels that and continued to try and compare to me stepping in front of a random vehicle. Below is our conversation.

Stated that since I said she hit me that's why she says she is getting charged. I agreed but said I don't think its right.
And that yes the vehicle she was driving hit me does not mean she knowingly did it. Then she kept asking then why am I getting charged, over and over said this.
She argued that if I stepped out into road and got hit by a person driving by, is my fault. 
I agreed but stated that still there vehicle hit me, no matter why or who, that vehicle hit me 
She got angry and told me I just have to argue and I love to argue. And that doesn't matter because she is getting charged for "knowingly hitting me" and I told I agree that's what's happening and its not right but I was only trying to talk to her about how its not fair because someone said she hit me so that in turn suggests she knowingly did it and that simply because she was driving the vehicle doesn't mean she knew she did it. But she got angry as I was trying to say it so I told her nvm It doesn't matter and stopped talking. She returned with of course it doesn't matter to you, your not the one getting charged. The went silent and I kept quiet


What do you see in this conversation? I know what I got out of it and want to hear others to see if I am feeling and thinking the same things.


----------



## vanessa365 (Aug 17, 2012)

I barely ever comment, I just read. Ppl are very predictable. A woman can never love someone she doesn't respect. I hope you have learned to respect yourself. Demand to be free, loved, and happy. You are a good man. But a woman can be what you allow. Walk away, please. Women will always seek an alpha male. There's a lot of women willing to appreciate you. Be stronger and don't allow yourself to feel less of a person!!!!

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jarhead, frankly, we don't even listen to what your wife says because she's abusive and we don't cater to abusers. NOTHING she says matters.

If you won't step up and be a man and get help for yourself, at LEAST go get help so you can be a better father for your daughter.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

jarhead said:


> My wife and I were talking about how government is messed up and how someone saying something can turn into innocent people in trouble. And she brought up her charged with wreck less driving and wreck less endangerment because I was hit by her truck, I believe I walked out in front or into side of truck whole she was leaving (I was drunk) to stop her from leaving ( I thought she was also drunk) and since me and roommate said she hit me (truck she was driving hit me) meant she knowingly did it/on purpose and didn't stop just drove away. She feels that and continued to try and compare to me stepping in front of a random vehicle. Below is our conversation.
> 
> Stated that since I said she hit me that's why she says she is getting charged. I agreed but said I don't think its right.
> And that yes the vehicle she was driving hit me does not mean she knowingly did it. Then she kept asking then why am I getting charged, over and over said this.
> ...


This entire conversation is a logical fallacy. That's what I get out of her comments.

You walking into random traffic is not the same as a fight, altercation or party where you try to stop someone from driving away drunk.

Your wife blames you for everything wrong in her life, this is NO WAY for any person to live man or woman.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

I'm attempting to find someone I can talk to in person that I don't have to pay for since money is tight. 

Like I told my friend last night all he says and all of you on here have said I see and understand but for some reason (FOG, gaslight, projection) I can't truly grasp that its real and that I have done so wrong she controls all. 

I really can't find a way to start healing myself when I for some reason can't simply leave right now and when I wake up doing things at home chores and daughter or errands go to work come home by 3am and when I get home everyone is asleep and I'm either to tired to do anything, simply to mentally drained and don't want to focus on anything but something that I want to do like truck stuff but then worry about not getting enough sleep so I can wake up when my daughter gets up, and when the wife is awake there is no way I can research or just focus on me.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

bullshyte.

You'll find a way to do all of that.

When you want to.

When you have had enough.

You obviously haven't.

And if money's tight, go to www.unitedway.com and find your local office. That's what they're there for.


----------



## yruhere (Aug 28, 2012)

I'm in the same place you are. Trust is an issue and your mind makes you crazy. You have no control over what the other person is doing. My husband kept on even when he said he wasn't doing anything wrong! He would get caught again.

What is wrong with people? I guess I'm old school but I think that if honesty cannot be reached on both sides it's over. You can love someone without having to be with them and hurting by seeing them not wanting you. That is harsh but it is the truth... I know how you feel. I truly do!!!!!


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Even in a great relationship, you don't have control over the other person. The only thing you can do is control and direct your own actions. When you stop being afraid of being alone, then much of this stuff becomes easier.

They have shelters for men, look into one.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

Been a little while since I posted a lot has been going on and changing. I also needed some time to quit thinking and just doing what I needed to do each day.

I don't want to focus on changes or what has happened so much right now but I will put in a few things.

The goods only for now.
- started asserting myself and how I felt and what I wanted. Seems to have helped some
- wife has been pushed by her baby doctor to see there counsolur about her anxiety and she is going
- wife has put back on her wedding and promise rings. (Kinda confused there)
- have had a few good days/outings together
my best friend pushed and talked to my wife a little. (He was drunk)
- she has been more open to giving/receiving affection and asking for what she needs in that manor when she needs it

- one bad he is in picture but has been pushing him away some and sees how much of an ass/worthless he is. But I do know there is more still there than she is letting on.


So my question for all is

What should be done by her and myself to reconsile and what should I look out and watch for?
Also any more insight you think I should think about or know?

I want to know this because I am unsure even if she did all I need if I can handle or trust the marriage anymore. I need input and opinions so I can think and be honest with myself about this all.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

She won't change for you, but she'll try to change for others? Dude, no.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

She has said many times "she is trying to do the best she can" and "she is doing all she can for everyone"

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So your "best friend" is hitting on her and she is responding and you're now wondering whether to keep her? 

What the hell?


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

No sorry he yelled at her about her affair and to work on things in our marriage

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, then, so go to 40,000 miles above the earth. Hover; look at the people (you) on the earth with detachment (ants) and tell me what you would tell them (you). What is good for them is good for you.


----------



## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

i'm trying to be optimistic here but i've got nothing.
OM will always be in her life. she is carrying his child ffs!

i wouldn't be able to live with that. no way, no how. i'm not sure you can and be emotionally healthy either. like i always tell my pregnant friends, the pregnancy is the easy part. i'm afraid that will be your situation too. OM will have visitation. she will always be connected to him. how will you handle that?

is there any way you would leave this woman? what would that take? 

i hate to be negative and i feel so bad for you but honestly, i just don't know how you are going to manage this. i'm an educated, well adjusted, emotionally healthy woman with a world of support around me and i sincerely think a situation like this, living with the OM's child, would be too much for me.

once again, would you ever consider divorcing this woman? what if she gets pregnant by him again? is there even a line in the sand for you?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So you are still allowing her to see other men? What the hell?


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

jarhead said:


> So my question for all is
> 
> What should be done by her and myself to reconsile and what should I look out and watch for?
> 
> ...


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *By Jarhead*
> I agree with you. Even now at the moment she is blatenty tells me she's going to see him. And I'm angry hurt everything to point of shaking but can't fing leave.
> *I have no idea what is so wrong with me.*



*What is wrong with you is that you are incredibly weak and are compromising so much because you are becoming a door mat*

If you do not get someone to help you get yourself some self respect and self esteem you will become a door mat and will be of no help to anyone but will be a whiner and satisfy yourself with being a victim.

*You are becoming pathetic but you can change that with the right help if you act now.*


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

jarhead said:


> No sorry he yelled at her about her affair and to work on things in our marriage
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


You don't see the problem do you? She was EMBARRASSED and HUMILIATED by your drunk friend. Of course she is going to act better, that way you'll STFU.

See how quick you were here telling us it has become better? Yep, that's exactly what she wants.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Folks, I wonder if we are getting our collective chain jerked here?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

So I don't believe there is a true change for the better like "she has seen the light" and is all changed. I am seeing a difference and am afraid I will give in and think she has changed and all is good. So I'm taking measures to be causious and know what I need from her to truly start working on a fix. I have not given in or think all is good now.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

But has she said she will not see OM any more?


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

cool12 said:


> i'm trying to be optimistic here but i've got nothing.
> *OM will always be in her life. she is carrying his child ffs!*ionce again, would you ever consider divorcing this woman? what if she gets pregnant by him again? *is there even a line in the sand for you?*




She's carrying his child????  And you've not ended this charade? How much more can you take before you explode and send her off to be with her, apparently, "true love?" For the life of me I can't understand why you keep putting up with this. :scratchhead:


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

turnera said:


> *But has she said she will not see OM any more?*



If you actually believe that, I've heard of a beautiful bridge in Brooklyn that's for sale. Geeze! :slap:


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm just trying to get him to just flat out say "I told her to stop cheating." Or not.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

So she has not flat out said she will stop seeing OM.
I have told her strait out to stop having him over at house. And not to long ago to end the affair and if not I can't do this anymore.

How much more can I take? He$$ Idk. 
Honestly it seems as its been so bad for so long a little bit of anything good is amazing even though in the big picture it is nothing. 

Honestly Idk if I can or know how to step out of the "world" I'm living in and step back into reality

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jarhead said:


> Honestly Idk if I can or know how to step out of the "world" I'm living in and step back into reality


jarhead, why can you not ask your dad and brother to TAKE you out of it?


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

My dad and I are not really talking. He has backed away since I have not taken real action or when I try I give in to W. Along with such busy life I have a hard time reaching out to talk to people. 

It also is my best friend not brother that helps. My best friend will do all he can to help me but I talk to him some and without me having a plan he wont step in and do something like that

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, that's what I meant. Ask them both to do an intervention on you, to rescue you, take you away for a few days, and deprogram you.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Anyway, now that you're actually being lucid about the situation and answering questions, tell me your thought process. What IS it you're thinking when you let your wife leave the house to go f*ck someone else and then let her come home, satiated?

Tell me WHY you allow it.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

So when I have told her go do whatever for the weekend knowing she will probably go to OM. I one just want time for self and with my daughter and two want her happy (she had made it out to be before that she was young and hadn't got to live life so understanding wanting to be free because I had been there I said do what you need to do. In hopes she would see reality and come home wanting me and to fix things). Three I gave up fighting and couldn't do fighting anymore and wanted to focus on me.

Mainly they see eachother while I'm at work. 
I believe its this whole she needs someone to take care of her all the time so i m home and take care of her when I have to work she goes to him.

I know my thinking is flawed and all this is a huge mess but somehow i can't get over the "it will get better it has to" or " its all my fault just be better" 

She even said her first session of counseling, she asked doctor what might be wrong with me and the lady said simply my thinking is different than my wife's

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

jarhead said:


> So when I have told her go do whatever for the weekend knowing she will probably go to OM. I one just want time for self and with my daughter and two *want her happy (she had made it out to be before that she was young and hadn't got to live life so understanding wanting to be free because I had been there I said do what you need to do. In hopes she would see reality and come home wanting me and to fix things).* Three I gave up fighting and couldn't do fighting anymore and wanted to focus on me.
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


I'm sorry, but just kill me immediately if I ever thought something like that. She wants to be free? THEN LET HER GO!!!!!

Have some self respect please. This is really just ridiculous. There is no woman on this earth worth doing that for.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

nickgtg said:


> I'm sorry, but just kill me immediately if I ever thought something like that. She wants to be free? THEN LET HER GO!!!!!
> 
> Have some self respect please. This is really just ridiculous. There is no woman on this earth worth doing that for.


Whip the dead horse.
He isn't listening.
Wish him the best.:banghead::banghead::slap:


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I give up.


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

*FOR GOD'S SAKE, GET YOURSELF OUT OF THIS MESS PERMANENTLY!!!!!!!!!!! *


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

I will post again once there is a change.

Thank you guys

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

nickgtg said:


> I'm sorry, but just kill me immediately if I ever thought something like that. She wants to be free? THEN LET HER GO!!!!!
> 
> Have some self respect please. This is really just ridiculous. There is no woman on this earth worth doing that for.




useless words. Also bad example for the kids. I'm out of here...


----------



## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

It's like reading a train wreck..isn't it....I still check in every once in awhile. If he is a troll, he's very good. I gave up long ago trying to help this sick sick puppy.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

So i appriciate everyones help and i do understand not wanting to continue reading/posting.

I do have to say all has helped and venting and getting feed back here has helped alot and i know that my thinking and life is a complete crazy mess and no where near getting fixed.

I have alot going on and alot of figuring out and changing and mess to clean up. Never the less I have not yet found what will clear up the thinking and confusion i have. Everyone has given great information and great platform to start from and i am thankful for that. I come here for clarity on thinking i have and insight on what my other half is saying and doing. No one can make choices for me or tell me what to do and the mess i am in is atleast 50% my fault because i have allowed it to continue. 

WIth that said and all of your posts and input it is now my time to use and move forward with all i have learned in a path that is best for me to be happy and for my family even if thats getting a divorce, getting custody of my daughter, or staying. I have to decide what i will do and what it will take to get me and family to what it should be. 

I will check in on any new posts from people and respond if asked questions. Never the less i will post more when i have decisions and plans layed out for myself. The changes for my wants and needs are already in motion but have alot of fine tuning to do and questions still left to be answered.

Thank you again to everyone.


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"Never the less i will post more when i have decisions and plans layed out for myself."

jarhead,

I think this is the thing that has so many others frustrated and upset, triggering off of you posts back to their own painful experiences.

What I mean is that you have so far done ABSOLUTELY nothing to create a way forward for yourself out of this disgusting mess, despite all the great advice from others here.

In addition, if I understand your situation correctly, you have even managed to lose the active support of friends/family IRL because of your inability to actually MAKE and follow through on a plan at all.

The reason people are giving up is because it is too painful for them to watch this any longer.

You are on the fast-track towards completely destroying your future life and happiness because you don't want to make any hard choices.


----------



## jarhead (Feb 19, 2014)

I can completely and whole hartedly agree and understand what you are saying. I seen it myself and beat myself up day in and day out for not changing things or when I do change things well should say attempt to. I give in or up so easily. That is something on myself I can no stand. 

I want to state this as in no way am I giving excuses or writing it off as OK for myself. I have ADHD and up till two days ago o ignored the fact I did and Twp days ago I fully realized and felt the effects of it. And is why I'm now able to address a start and don't intends to drag anyone into listening to my attempts and fails until I have something concrete to say. 

In my hope that me fixing my handle on myself of move along the process of what needs to happen with relationships I have all around me. Give me the base o need to not continue the pattern of doing nothing everyone sees and I myself see. 

Onfe again want to say ADHD does not give an excuse or make it ok

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

divorce your wife.
stop being her doormat.

she will never go NC with the other man since she carries his child.

leave her now and lean on your family for support.
your situation will only worsen after the baby is born.


----------

