# How can I possibly stay??



## ladybug15 (Nov 3, 2015)

I have been with my husband for nearly 12 years and we have 3 children. Things have never been great between us, but, lately I'm feeling like if I have to stay with him one more minute, I'm going to literally have a heart attack or a nervous break-down.

My husband is very verbally abusive to me and to our oldest child. He is constantly telling us how inadequate we are and what we do wrong. Just tonight my son was dumb because his opinion about a call in a basketball game was incorrect. I am a fat, lazy, slob, pathetic loser. (Never mind that I am getting ready to earn my degree in Elementary Education in a few weeks, I'm 5ft tall and about 105 lbs.)

I have caught him talking to other women many times over the last 12 years, some exes, some women he met online or at one of his former jobs or classes. I have found countless nude pictures of many of the women and threads of sexual webcam conversations. There was never anything wrong with this in his opinion, I only had a problem because I am insecure and he can "talk to whoever he wants to." In 2011, I became fed up with his refusal to go to therapy or make any effort to try to make things better, and I told him I wanted a separation. A few weeks in, I ended up cheating on him with an acquaintance for a month. Once he found out I was seeing someone else, he agreed to go to therapy with me.

We went to therapy and I thought things were great for about a year and a half. However, he then started becoming verbally abusive again. Then, a year ago, I found more nude photos from someone he met online. 

Just recently, he left his facebook page open and I read his messages. He messaged back and forth with several women. One being an ex of his that he has talked to suggestively off and on since we met and knows that I am not comfortable with him talking to her. Another is a "friend" of his that he chats with via text and phone while I'm at work and plans to meet up with this month. Apparently the former swimsuit model and he have always been "just" friends and she's happily married with children (though they did kiss once and she always "wanted more" according to him). But they have always just been great friends that talk about their relationships with each other.

When I expressed my discomfort with him messaging these women, as well as displeasure with the way he treats/speaks to us, he told me to leave. in the last month he has told me to leave twice. He will treat me miserably for several day in a row, telling me he wants me out, can't stand me because I'm nothing but a lazy slob and untrustworthy (because I cheated 4 1/2 years ago), and I need to find somewhere to go, and then he will act like I'm wonderful for days following. 

It is worth mentioning that I am just about to finish school with my teaching degree and am student teaching all day, every day, for 11-12 hours while he stays home most days with our 3 year old.. He will have a list of chores he wants me to do as soon as I get home and if the house is still messy at the end of the night/weekend, he will call me a lazy slob. However, the only "chore" he does while home all day is load the dishwasher. 

I think he may be resentful of the fact that he's always had a lot of control over me and now I'm feeling really happy with my career choice and can see an end in sight and it's making him act out even more than he normally would. I also just lost my grandmother 3 months ago today, who I was very close with (she was more like my mother). Between that, my husband, and all of the work that goes in to student teaching, I am concerned that I am starting to manifest physical symptoms due to the stress load. My hands have been tingling off and on, I've had chest pains, and serious digestive issues. 


ETA: I am also feeling painfully lonely lately. I don't do anything outside of work/home and my husband spends his weekends playing poker until 1-2 am. A few weeks ago, our oldest was staying with a friend so we had plans to watch movies together and catch up on shows we recorded and he, instead, decided to go to a haunted house with his brother and sister and didn't get home until 1 am. Most weekends I put the kids to bed and just sit here alone and I am incredibly lonely.

I just don't know how I can hang on much longer without losing it in one way or another.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Honestly, why would you WANT to stay?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are you and your husband?

Why is he not working?

When do you finish up your schooling so you can start earning a living and got out of this?

If he is not working and you are in school, how do the two of you support yourself?

I'm asking the above to get a better picture of how soon you can get out of this marriage.

I agree with you that you need to leave... its sounds like for both your mental and physical health. Now leaving might mean that he leaves. Does he have a place to go?

If you use your time right now to start planning your exit, you might find that start feeling a lot better.

What are the things that you are thinking about for leaving? How do you see that going down?

Are there one or two people in your life who you trust, friend or family member, who can give you some emotional support right now?


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

ladybug15 said:


> I have been with my husband for nearly 12 years and we have 3 children. Things have never been great between us, but, lately I'm feeling like if I have to stay with him one more minute, I'm going to literally have a heart attack or a nervous break-down.
> 
> My husband is very verbally abusive to me and to our oldest child. He is constantly telling us how inadequate we are and what we do wrong. Just tonight my son was dumb because his opinion about a call in a basketball game was incorrect. I am a fat, lazy, slob, pathetic loser. (Never mind that I am getting ready to earn my degree in Elementary Education in a few weeks, I'm 5ft tall and about 105 lbs.)
> 
> ...



IMO, sounds like he has not gotten over your affair..


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## ladybug15 (Nov 3, 2015)

I would want to stay because I want a normal, loving, home and family life for my kids. There are days when things seem normal and cozy and I want that for them very much.

I 34 and he's 41, He works when he can right now, by substitute teaching or picking up other odd jobs and he has a small business that he does during the summer. My grandmother used to watch my kids when we worked and since she passed away, he had to stay home in order for me to be able to student teach. His mom will watch them every now and then so that he can work, but she isn't available often. As far as making a living, we pay up bills and rent with tax returns and borrowed from family to get by these last few months before I graduate. He has friends that offer to pay for him to play poker tournaments because he often wins and then they can split the winnings with him. So, he's actually made us quite a bit extra doing that, as well. 

I understand that if I'm going to leave, I need a plan. But the idea of doing that makes me really sad and depressed. We both still have the same dreams for our family and love our kids so much. And some days it does seem like he really loves me. But then there are also a lot of days where it seems like he can't stand me based on the things he does and says. 

Right now the big issue is the fact that he doesn't see a problem with messaging the ex if his that I don't like for him to communicate with. On his birthday she wrote on his Facebook wall, but then also sent him a private message and he responded. When I asked him why he continues to keep in touch with her after knowing how uncomfortable it has made me for 12 years now, he said that it was a kind gesture, he didn't do anything wrong, and I need to just get over it. 

As far as having someone to talk to, I have gone to a therapist alone a few times recently. However, other than that, I don't have anyone.m, which is why I posted here. I don't want to talk to the people I work with about this because it's embarrassing. I don't really have any close friends anymore. The closer friends I have had, my husband doesn't like me to keep in contact with because he doesn't think that they're a good influence. He asked me to cut ties with a few of them when I cheated because they knew about it and then they also told me that they didn't like the way he treated me. So, out of respect for him, I stopped talking to them. He and my mom have never liked each other, and recently, he told me that I talk to her too much about us and that's part of the "complete 180" that I need to do and that our kids weren't allowed to be around her anymore because he doesn't like her influence (this came after she texted me asking me why I changed my profile picture to one with him in it when he doesn't put me in his or acknowledge me on Facebook). I don't talk to my Dad about us because my husband will actually go around that side of the family and I don't want to make things awkward. 

Last night, my husband saw me typing a response on this thread and demanded to see what I was typing. I told him what it was (I told him I asked about our issues on a marriage advice forum because I have no one to talk to). He said that I have my therapist (which he doesn't like that I go there). I refused to let him see the post, though. Because, even though I told him the content, he will become angry and judge me and then tell me why everyone who responds to me is wrong and how I made him look bad, which would be the only reason people would tell me to leave. Never mind the fact that everything I say is true. He acknowledges everything he does, but always says that I give him reasons to treat me that way and deserve it.

So, he called me a shady liar and went to bed angry with me for posting here and then refusing to let him read it. I think, when he wakes up (we are out of school today for elections) I may tell him I will let him read it if he agrees to show me phone records from the last couple of months. 

It just turns my stomach thinking of fighting with him all day about this and all I wanted to do was to talk to someone about how stressed out I am.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Wait wait wait, he wants to cut you off from colleagues at work or friends who have knowledge of your previous relationship, he wants to see what you're typing on the computer screen, but he has girlfriends all over Facebook and other avenues of social media? 

Hmmmm. I think I'd rather move out with my kids or make him leave than have my kids see me accept a double hypocritical controlling standard like that.


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## ladybug15 (Nov 3, 2015)

I definitely don't think he's gotten over the affair. However, sometimes I wonder if it really hurt him so much as hurt his ego and now he knows that it's something that he can use against me. 

I have caught him talking to other women so many times that I can't count and many of the times it has been sexual in nature and/or suggestive and inappropriate. Every time I object to him talking to other women, he will now bring up what I did. In the past, he would tell me I was being insecure and needed to get over it and he wasn't doing anything wrong. Then, when we went to therapy 4 years ago, he acknowledged that it was wrong. Then, I found out last year, that throughout our time in therapy and some time after,he talked to at least one woman who sent him nude pictures. His response was #1 He can't help the types of picture people send him and # 2 He needed someone to talk to about what I did to him (never mind that he talked to several friends and family members, it had to be a woman who sent him nude photos). Then he will say "at least I don't sleep with the people I talk to." 

Just like last night, when I told him that it bothered me that he messaged those women, he said "do you really want to bring that up?" And then he will start throwing it up to me that I cheated and how it's much worse than him talking to other women. 

The thing is, he talked to women before I cheated, and now somewhat justifies it by throwing up to me the fact that I cheated. I just feel like I can't win. We argue in circles because, in his eyes, I'm always the bad guy and making mountains out of molehills, with no reason to be upset.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

12 years? He has shown you what he is. Believe him.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

ladybug,

It's impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries.

Your husband has deep-seated issues that you aren't going to fix.

Do what's best for you and your kids.


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## ladybug15 (Nov 3, 2015)

I also see it as being hypocritical. In the past, I have instantly shown him what I was typing in order to prove to him that I was an open book. But, since he seems to think it's ok to chat with other women, and I shouldn't have a problem with it (because the messages I found didn't happen to be sexual, but I don't know why he has to initiate conversations with exes or respond to them in the first place. I've found enough sexual things to make me very uncomfortable with any contact he has with other women).And one of them told him he looked different and he said "surely you mean different as in better." 

He doesn't cut me off from co-workers, it's just not something I want to bring up while student teaching. I love it there and I don't want to bring bad vibes in to the situation. Also, if I did talk to them about us, he would say that I made him look bad to them and then wouldn't want me around them either.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sammy64 said:


> IMO, sounds like he has not gotten over your affair..


Seriously? THAT'S what you got out of her post?

Wow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Hon, you've been his doormat for 12 years. Is that how you want to spend the remainder of your life? 

I guarantee every time he's nasty and tells you to leave and you don't his opinion of you drops further. We teach people how to treat us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

One of THE most important things I learned through this saga of my h's cheating is precisely what LifeIsTooShort says - we teach people how to treat us. Every time you give him an ultimatum and tell him you're going to do this or that if he continues to do x or y, and you don't do it, you lose more power over your life. If you need to buy time to make an exit plan, just do the 180 and stop telling him what you are or are not going to do, and then just do it when you're ready. I suspect if he is not working and was taking substitute jobs, and you're about to finish your education degree, he may feel threatened. But since he's been like this for 12 years, he's been threatened or insecure about something from the get go. 

Good luck!


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Seriously? THAT'S what you got out of her post?
> 
> Wow.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ya, i did. 
But after reading her reply, i would agree with everyone else and that maybe it is time to pull the plug, even after MC...


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

Ok, here I go because this kind of pisses me off..

1. You cheated, he stayed. He CANNOT throw that in your face. If he wanted out, he should have left after it happened. He made the decision to continue on this path with you, so he has to accept what happened before and live with his decision. ALSO, because you did it, what makes it RIGHT for him to do it now?! He's angry that you did but now it's ok that he's doing it over, and over, and over, etc.? 

2. I feel SO bad for your kids. Do you want your kids to be raised thinking this is how a relationship is supposed to be? They need to see a LOVING relationship, OR see their parents individually happy. You should not be teaching them that what your husband is doing, is ok. If you are not going to get out for yourself, get out for your children.

3. Lastly, not an ounce of me believes he is ever going to change. You made a mistake and you (hopefully) have learned from it. He is NEVER going to let it go, ever. And therefore, will continue doing what he is doing because he is ALWAYS going to throw it in your face of what you originally did to him, so that makes his behaviors ok. And you are LETTING him believe that it's ok because you haven't done anything to show otherwise. 

Leave him, get the kids in a better environment so they can see what it's like to actually see a happy parent, and so they are not shown the ways of your relationship right now. It's not how it's supposed to be, and if you don't do something, they are going to end up in the same sad situation as you.


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## ladybug15 (Nov 3, 2015)

I have tried the 180 several times,and he will almost immediately backtrack and decide he wants us to work on our marriage (though he has said that he thinks I am the only one who needs to change, and refuses to go to therapy ever again). I was doing the 180 before I ever even knew it existed, he always starts asking me why I'm asking weird and accuses me of being shady. 

Also,I should mention that I went to therapy without telling him the first couple of times because he frowns upon in it. When he found out, he said I was a liar and shady and can't be trusted. Then, he once found out I was talking to an online group of moms about our marriage problems and he got upset with me, just as he did last night when he saw me posting here. So, whether I show him or not, he sees this as me being shady and sneaky and the same or worse than him talking to other women.


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## ladybug15 (Nov 3, 2015)

Yes, I worry about my kids so much. I know it's not healthy to see us like this. I have told him that and he will agree, but says it's up to me and they also don't need to see a mom who is a lazy slob and doesn't like to clean, etc. either. But he believes wholeheartedly that we should stay together for the kids and that no matter how unhealthy or dysfunctional they see us being, it's better than us not being together. He says that it will destroy them and would be incredibly selfish of us. So when I have talked about separating, he has said "go ahead, if you want to be selfish and do that to the kids." Even when he TOLD me to leave,when I agreed to go he said I was being selfish by agreeing to leave. He actually told the boys "Mom has decided to leave" when I was out of the room. 

However, I have nowhere to go right now and he knows that. I asked my grandfather if we could stay with him for awhile, but he said no because I need to make my husband leave. So,I think he knows that I have nowhere to turn right now.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Boooooooooooooooooooooollllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllltttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!! Dude


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lady, just leave. Do it for your KIDS. They WILL become one of you. Do you want them to become abusive or controlling? A cheater (that includes you)? 

Or do you want them to see a woman protecting them from a verbally abusive man who tells them they are worthless, so they can emulate that strength?

Protect your kids. Move out as soon as you start working. Spend this period getting ready to move out. Contact Unitedway.org and other local organizations and ask them to help you find resources for moving.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ladybug, you H is an abusive bully and does not want you getting ahead because then he knows you will wake up and realise you can do better, he does not want you talking to therapists because they will call him out for what he actually is. You need to stand strong and tell him, he either shapes up or shifts out, you do not have to put up with any of this. 
There is no point staying together for the sake of the kids, they will only grow up totally damaged from all the dysfunction, the way he treats you and your older one is not on and will probably damage the kids.
Time for you to get your ducks in a row and starting planning to leave.
This is easier when you have your degree, a paying job, get a support network in place.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

PS He ought to read all of our replies, maybe the truth will wake him up


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

ladybug15 said:


> I would want to stay because I want a normal, loving, home and family life for my kids. There are days when things seem normal and cozy and I want that for them very much.


Well guess what...this is NEVER EVER going to happen with this man! If you cant leave for your own happiness and self respect, then leave for your children! You need to protect them from his abuse, as well as from having to see their mother abused. He is sick, and if you stay, then YOU are just as sick as he is.


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