# Going through spouse's emails



## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

Just wondering what the general consensus is regarding emails. I have a very good girlfriend who I talk with consistently and she helps me deal with some of my frustrations with my spouse. 

Well I discovered that my husband has going back into our email account and secretly reading all the emails I've sent...and her correspondence. It's frustrating..because he doesn't like it when I'm on the phone with anyone and when I DO get on the phone -- he constantly interrupts me... starts the vaccuum cleaner in the room that I'm in....my favorite is when he pulls out the blender to make a smoothie...(which he rarely does unless i'm on the phone). He just doesn't like it when I talk to anyone ... what would you do about this? Is this normal?


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## mgperkow (Mar 8, 2012)

Sounds controlling. I wouldn't consider it normal, healthy, or considerate.


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

Can't answer your exact question yet, please clarify ....

Your email account is shared? Is that both your accounts or just yours? If just yours, why is he able to open it? 

Sorry but I am a little confused?? I am all for sharing things with your H/W, but personal emails somehow are private even if they aren't secretive in nature....

If it is shared, then you have no quarrells, he is entitled to look into it as much as you are, if you both use the same email addy.

if it your own, thats just invasion of privacy... as insecure people tend to do .. to "snoop"...


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

This particular email address is soley mine. However, I noticed when I returned to the computer a few weeks ago that my email was open and I didn't leave it that way. So, I logged out and changed my password to see what was happening. 

Yesterday, I sat back down at the computer and my email was open again -- so I think he has put some kind of memory on the computer to automatically log him into my email. 

He's very savvy with that stuff -- I'm not. And I'm not having an affair or anything crazy. I just wanted to communicate to my girlfriend about my life, my frustrations ...you know ...that's what friends do. 

But the controling factor is definitely coming into play. A few weeks ago a girlfriend wanted to fly in for an event 1.5 hours away. She wanted me to meet her...and have a girls night. SHe knows I'm having a tough time -- with my DH unemployed and I'm stressed ot the max. My husband was strangely supportive. So, I started down the road of possibly going...and found out my husband wanted to drive me there ...and be "our driver" and then he and our 6 year old would stay in the same hotel....so they could "hang out". 

You see what I mean...no privacy...no outside life allowed...unless I'm working.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I just looked back at some of your other threads.

In general I am a believer in transparency.

However, looking at the other threads there seems to be some interesting behaviors.

He is a SAHD who gave up a job to move with his family. 

Is he looking for work?


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

If he got into your mail after you changed the password then he has some kind of software or hardware keylogger (or equivalent) on the computer. This allows him to see whatever you are typing (or doing on the computer) including any new passwords. Clearly there is a major trust issue going on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

Yes - he's looking for work. But, he was offered a job when we first moved here and ended up turning it down because he felt he was overqualified. He has been applying online - but I think his fear of failure has prevented him from networking like he needs to be. 

As for the computer - yay, I don't know what to do. I can say ONE thing for sure. I'm really struggling, personally. I think I might be on the verge of depression or something. I'm just not doing well - with all of these things popping up. I stressed to the max. 

I just saw my son and he had a school event at 9am. I asked my DH to talk with the teacher when he picked him up yesterday to see if he could help (he's not working and home for 7 hours alone a day while son is in school)...He said that he would. 

Today -- my son started crying because he said that he was the only child without a parent there for the event. I looked at my DH and said ..wow? Did you know about this? He said "yes, but I couldn't go. I had an appointment at 11..to get the furniture repaired. I pulled him aside and said..."that couldn't have waited? You actually could have done BOTH?" He said...what? You are questioning me now? 

So ..I just dropped it. 

Then, my Mom is coming into town tonight to visit our new city. She's the one who has incurable cancer. My DH told me that he would be out of commission to help tomorrow morning because he has to take the car to the DMV. I said "tomorrow? Really? It can't wait?" he simply said, "no." Which means he will have the car....and I took the day off of work to be with my Mom ...with NO VEHICLE? You see where this is going...it's always a problem or a headache...


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

Angel5112 said:


> If that's true it mean he is most likely reading what she is writing on here as well.


It depends..but If he is using software that also takes screen shots then he could see everything she does...but either way, he could log on as her to read her posts or just come to the site and look under her username.

There is definitely a trust issue here.

Check out spectorsoft pro software (I think that's the name of it) and you will be amazed at how much someone can spy on another person especially when using the same computer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

Well - that's why I only have an email for this type of forum and I NEVER log on at home. I only post from my phone or computer and we had to go through therapy a year or 2 ago regarding the phone and his constant concern about me. 

Bottom line -- he's snooping and never telling me about it. I am finding out by accident...and seeing his behavior change. 

He really wants us to work ...I believe. But, not for the right reasons... 

Sex is also an issue with him. It's rare because it's so uncomfortable. Last time for example...it lasted for about 20 seconds. He apologized and then got up and cleaned up. That was it. He said..."i'll repay you later." That NEVER happens. We discussed this in therapy and he just says that he doesn't feel good enough...and doesn't want to talk about it. 

I emailed my girlfriend and gently touched on that subject and I've seen him turn colder toward me...I think it's because he read my emails to my girlfriend...asking her for help.


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## strikethree (Mar 8, 2012)

I think you really should be talking with these issues with him first. If this were happening with someone of the opposite sex, I would say it is an emotional affair. Revelation of intimate marriage details is one of the benchmarks.

Unhappy, trying to get space, some privacy, girlfriend coming into town (is she married?), wants a girls night out...

To me it sounds like you are very close to a one night stand or worse. 

So yeah, I would address it with your husband. Maybe do marriage counseling if you have to or divorce if it comes to that.


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

There's NO way that I would have an affair -- and DEFINITELY NOT with my girlfriend. 

I was only looking for a friend to talk to...and I came here for feedback. Please don't accuse me of something so disgusting...


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## strikethree (Mar 8, 2012)

I'm not accusing you of anything, don't try to blameshift. I'm just telling you what I believe is your mental state, and I think your marriage is vulnerable to an affair.

No one gets married thinking "I'm going to be so unfaithful." At least I would hope not. It always "just happens." But it doesn't really just happen, there's a progression of steps that always occurs. 

Anyway, bottom line is that you need to be discussing marital problems with the marital spouse. If you go outside the marriage and create a triangle and put emotional energy into the 3rd person... it is only a matter of time.


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

I understand what you mean. I agree. However, I just became revolted at the idea of having an affair with my girlfriend. I'm NOT like that...sorry, if I overreacted. 

Truth is ...I HAVE talked to my DH about this kind of stuff and things just don't seem to change. He internalizes and he says that I make him feel worthless ...he can't take ANY feedback well. He is just that kind of guy. So....it's hard to talk to him. He ends up telling me that he's just not good enough for me...whether it's about the job issues or his lack of performance in bed. Either way..it always ends up with me being the bad guy. 

But you are right -- theoretically.


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## strikethree (Mar 8, 2012)

Well, I would think the next step is marriage counseling. That could be a wake up call to him.

If he still can't turn it around given enough time you can divorce with integrity.

What you don't want to do is just ignore problems and avoid conflict until they deteriorate to such a point where one or the other cheats... like some game of marital chicken.

Anyway, good luck to you.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

No, not normal. You should be allowed personal friendships without interruption from your husband. 

He is jealous of your time with her. Your husband sounds very insecure. It is controlling. 

However, going through emails is fine as long as he keeps his comments to himself. My husband has all my passwords and I have his. Actually, my email pops up as his home page. I never use it, so it's no big deal.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

In hindsight he should have taken the job he felt he was overqualified for. He could always trade up later. Most people need to work to stay mentally agile. They need to have a purpose. He is failing at the SAHD thing it seems. 

I think this is much of his behavior issues from what you have posted.

That said he may not really want to work.

I see his snooping on you as not so much being controlling as being insecure. I don't like to throw that around as men are always called controlling, jealous and insecure.

You are the only bread winner. What would he do if you divorced him? If he was working you would think he would have more self respect and confidence.


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## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

I agree he should have taken the job he was over qualified for and traded up.
Maybe he just needs a good pep talk. Instead of asking him if he looked for a job today, ask him how's the job hunting going? and if he says he hasn't found anything, hug him and tell him tomorrow is a new day and hopefully he'll find something he likes.

As for your mom coming in, I would just tell him "look, my mom will be here and I need the car" and he'll have to take it some other time. if you don't put your foot down for your mom, expect your situation to get worse.

You can love him and cheer him on. But at some point you need to draw the line.
As for the reading of your emails, I can guarantee he has a key logger such as spectrasoft on your computer. Check your credit card statements or bank statements for any type of software purchase.
Confront him in a loving manner and ask him if he's been reading your emails. Only you know your husband and would be able to tell if he's lying. 
I was told once (or twice or thrice) that emails are private (even though that is the way I found out things were going really bad in my relationship). 
So now email accts. on both ends are private. And if you want to go out with your g/f, tell your hubby where you're going and what time to expect you home. If you run late, call to notify him. If you keep him in the loop, he won't be so insecure. There is a difference in this and saying "I'll be home at 11pm and you don't show up until 1am and didn't bother to call". that wouldn't fly with me either.
But I think you understand what I'm saying.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

needopinion said:


> Just wondering what the general consensus is regarding emails. I have a very good girlfriend who I talk with consistently and she helps me deal with some of my frustrations with my spouse.
> 
> Well I discovered that my husband has going back into our email account and secretly reading all the emails I've sent...and her correspondence. It's frustrating..because he doesn't like it when I'm on the phone with anyone and when I DO get on the phone -- he constantly interrupts me... starts the vaccuum cleaner in the room that I'm in....my favorite is when he pulls out the blender to make a smoothie...(which he rarely does unless i'm on the phone). He just doesn't like it when I talk to anyone ... what would you do about this? Is this normal?


It sounds like you're talking about at least two separate issues. 

For normal: My email account is open to my wife, and that includes my work email account. I'm not going to hide anything from her. She is welcome to look at my email account any time and see what I've been doing. She sees what I write here, too. That's part of being open so far as I'm concerned. She has a right to see that I'm not running around on her, so she knows she has an open invitation to view any of these types of communications any time she wants to.

Things like running the blender when you're on the phone, if you're interpreting that correctly, sound immature to me. That's not really the same thing as checking your email, although his reaction to your email might be rooted in the same thing as his reaction to your phone conversations. But how much time to you talk to him? Is it as much as you talk to your friends? Does he feel like his social needs at home are met? It is possible to be jealous when someone spends more time with friends, or shows more enthusiasm talking to friends that that person spends or shows talking to you. We can't see this in your description, but I'd advise some introspection in this area.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

strikethree said:


> What you don't want to do is just ignore problems and avoid conflict until they deteriorate to such a point where one or the other cheats... like some game of marital chicken.
> 
> Anyway, good luck to you.


To me this isn't about infidelity. Marital problems don't always involve someone being unfaithful.



strikethree said:


> I'm not accusing you of anything, don't try to blameshift.


This is a bit harsh. She came here for advice and there is no suggestion that she is about to be unfaithful, to say nothing of being a closet lesbian!

@OP - It sounds to me like your husband has some self-esteem issues which manifest in his controlling behaviour and paranoia. 

Not to suggest that you are responsible in any way but why not try boosting his fragile male ego a bit, see if that helps. Being out of work is hard, especially if a man has a traditional view of who should be bringing home the bacon. 

If you try and view his situation sympathetically it may help to ease things. Good luck.


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## 381917 (Dec 15, 2011)

I don't see a problem with him checking your email. I don't think married people are entitled to private emails. My husband can see mine any time he wants to. I don't think that is abnormal.

Running the vacuum while you're on the phone is just rude. I'd put the call on hold, unplug the vacuum, and tell him that I needed quiet until I finished my call.

He is probably feeling insecure about being unemployed. He probably feels like a loser. He may be worried that some gainfully employed man is gonna steal you away. Make him feel secure. Assure him that that will never happen. If you can help him to feel more secure about your devotion to him, things will probably go much more smoothly.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

Angel5112 said:


> If he wants to act like a child, treat him like a child.


I'm curious ... what's your success rate been with this approach? 



Angel5112 said:


> *In all honestly this probably isn’t the best suggestion as it will just anger him* or make him feel more insecure, but to me, the two scenarios I listed above are far bigger issues than reading your emails. It almost seems as if he is doing these things just to spite you.


I was hoping I would find something in your post I could agree with. I found it.  



Angel5112 said:


> It would most likely be best to sit down and have a talk with him about these things. Ask him why he has been acting like this and let him know how it makes you feel. Marriage counseling would also be a good idea. You two sound like you have a lot of resentment that has/is building up.


I have to go back to one more thing. We always hear on these threads only one side. If it is as it is represented to us, then I think he is being immature, but I always wonder when I read these how it is being perceived by the "problem" spouse. That's why I think some introspection on the part of the poster is also necessary. If someone shows more enthusiasm in talking to his/her friends than in talking to his/her spouse, that is going to be noticed by the spouse. If that person is more willing to spend time talking to his/her friends than talking to his/her spouse, then that is going to be noticed. If he never gets his turn to have your attention without interruption, same thing. I agree wholeheartedly with this sit down conversation, but when you call these, you have to be just as willing to listen as you are to talk. I've called sit downs with my wife, and every time, I've discovered that things are perceived a bit differently from her side than they are from mine. She has agreed to change when that was necessary, but every time I can remember I've also had something I needed to change.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

Is it possible HE'S having an affair?


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## strikethree (Mar 8, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> To me this isn't about infidelity. Marital problems don't always involve someone being unfaithful.
> This is a bit harsh. She came here for advice and there is no suggestion that she is about to be unfaithful, to say nothing of being a closet lesbian!


No, marital problems aren't always caused by infidelity, but they often lead to it, which is all I was saying. 

I don't think she was having an affair with her friend. However if she's complaining about marriage to a single friend who wants "girls night out" and she has contempt for her husband then that seems to me to be an extremely high risk situation.

I'm just calling it as I see it. She's seeing how close to the edge she can get instead of how far away.

Anyway, to be more on topic, I vote for transparency. Then no snooping is necessary.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

needopinion said:


> Well - that's why I only have an email for this type of forum and I NEVER log on at home. I only post from my phone or computer and we had to go through therapy a year or 2 ago regarding the phone and his constant concern about me.
> 
> Bottom line -- he's snooping and never telling me about it. I am finding out by accident...and seeing his behavior change.
> 
> ...


The fact that you have this secret communication and are concerned about you husband seeing your email tells me you and your relationship have big problems already


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