# Do you hate your cheating stbx?



## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

I don't hate mine for some strange reason, probably because she will always be the love of my life I guess. Can't forgive her and she's ruined me financially, so I cannot understand why I don't hate her. Is this normal ?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

rumple9 said:


> I don't hate mine for some strange reason, probably because she will always be the love of my life I guess. Can't forgive her and she's ruined me financially, so I cannot understand why I don't hate her. Is this normal ?


I don't hate mine - I'm not sure I have it in me to hate anyone - but I do have a strong dislike of him because of what he did & I definetly have no love for him after this. I may not hate him per se but I do absolutely hate his actions. Maybe that's what is going on with you?


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

Not sure, my ex is very immature and childish so although it's not forgivable with hindsight I'm not surprised


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I guess its the same here - he was a chronic liar to everyone around him - I saw it go on for years but chose to fool myself into believing he'd never do it to me. He was also extremely self centered & financially irrisponsible. I think you are right - when looking back - they are acting just how you would expect them to - we just chose to think we could fix them or make excuses for them. Maybe that's why you don't hate her -


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> I don't hate mine - I'm not sure I have it in me to hate anyone - but I do have a strong dislike of him because of what he did & I definetly have no love for him after this. I may not hate him per se but I do absolutely hate his actions. Maybe that's what is going on with you?


I don't hate him because I don't have it in me to hate anyone. I do have a strong dislike of how he is treating me though. My goal is to one day feel indifferent when I see him.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I despise him, what he has done and everything about him generally.

A worthless POS excuse for a husband, let alone a man.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

brokenbythis said:


> I despise him, what he has done and everything about him generally.
> 
> A worthless POS excuse for a husband, let alone a man.


Okaayy... I cant blame you for feeling that way. No one can tell you how to feel BUT is not good for you to hold that much anger. Don't let him bring you down to that level. Then he wins & that's the last thing you want. We all strive for indifference - the point where we really don't give a ****what they do. They aren't even worth a thought in our heads. ( it doesn't hurt to believe karma will come around & serve out a helping of justice someday  ) Hold your head up - you're better than him - don't forget it!!


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

I am with Brokenbythis. I despise him. But, I doubt this feeling will continue forever. Now, it gives me strength. It has only been 2 months since I discovered the depths of his lies and cheating. The emotional hurricane is dying down into strong gusts and I am sure that this will continue, especially as I move on with my life.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I can tell you it will get better but it takes time. I felt so angry & betrayed for the first three months I couldn't focus on anything. I still have my moments but I pity him more than anything because it all just seems so pathetic now.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> I can tell you it will get better but it takes time. I felt so angry & betrayed for the first three months I couldn't focus on anything. I still have my moments but I pity him more than anything because it all just seems so pathetic now.


Oh, the pity is already there. I see him as one of life's greatest fools. What he has destroyed is irreplaceable. He has lost almost everything, including his children's respect and trust. He has also lost the only person who ever was in his corner 100%. I,otoh, have only lost memories (well, and time). How can you lose something that was only a mirage?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

No. He lives in his own hell every day. I don't need to hate him. He hates himself enough already.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Fenix said:


> Oh, the pity is already there. I see him as one of life's greatest fools. What he has destroyed is irreplaceable. He has lost almost everything, including his children's respect and trust. He has also lost the only person who ever was in his corner 100%. I,otoh, have only lost memories (well, and time). How can you lose something that was only a mirage?


Oh same here plus his health just continues to deteriorate. I can look back now & say my life is in a much better place. That's why we'll be okay because we can rebuild our lives. We can figure out what part we played & fix it so we become better people. That's why I say eventually we won't even give them a second thought because they won't matter to us anymore - we'll be too busy with our own lives.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Fenix said:


> Oh, the pity is already there. *I see him as one of life's greatest fools*. *What he has destroyed is irreplaceable. He has lost almost everything*, including his children's respect and trust. He has also lost the only person who ever was in his corner 100%. I,otoh, have only lost memories (well, and time). How can you lose something that was only a mirage?


My STBXH is a similar fool. He lost:

His loving wife
The person who was always there for him
Living with his child
His home
His credit
Half of his salary
Half of his pension.
Respect and friendship of a lot of people
And plenty more...

Since he got this skank pregnant and he is 45, his dream of retiring when he is 50 is LONG GONE. He will be working until his mid 60s now.

He hates himself but he puts on a really good show to make everyone think he's doing just great.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> No. He lives in his own hell every day. I don't need to hate him. He hates himself enough already.


Hi vi . Could you sort of explain , only if you don't mind !


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I don't hate him. Like the rest of you, I just don't 'hate.' It's not who I am. If I hate anyone, it's usually myself. I turned all of it inward and wondered what was wrong with me. It took me a long time to realize that I had just as many chances to cheat on him (especially with EAs) as he did on me, and I didn't make those choices he did. He cheating wasn't on me. It was on him. 

So, I'm well past the self-hatred. His actions disgust me and anger me from time to time, but it's much easier to let it go. The more I learn about and really absorb what's going on in his mind, the more I know that his actions towards me and the things he accuses me of (namely, things he's done and things I've never done or would do) are all part of the tricks his mind has to play on him so that he can avoid dealing with his past and get through each day. 

He still has choices. And those choices have hurt people, especially our son and me. But there were still good things that came out of my involvement with him. And yes, I lost a lot of years and had more pain than I would have liked, but I'm really more at peace being away from him than I ever felt in our marriage.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> I don't hate him. Like the rest of you, I just don't 'hate.' It's not who I am. If I hate anyone, it's usually myself. I turned all of it inward and wondered what was wrong with me. It took me a long time to realize that I had just as many chances to cheat on him (especially with EAs) as he did on me, and I didn't make those choices he did. He cheating wasn't on me. It was on him.
> 
> So, I'm well past the self-hatred. His actions disgust me and anger me from time to time, but it's much easier to let it go. The more I learn about and really absorb what's going on in his mind, the more I know that his actions towards me and the things he accuses me of (namely, things he's done and things I've never done or would do) are all part of the tricks his mind has to play on him so that he can avoid dealing with his past and get through each day.
> 
> He still has choices. And those choices have hurt people, especially our son and me. But there were still good things that came out of my involvement with him. And yes, I lost a lot of years and had more pain than I would have liked, but I'm really more at peace being away from him than I ever felt in our marriage.


For me, I always knew that it wasn't me. Sure, there were times that I had blamed myself, but the more my ex goes nuts on me, the more I realized that he was the one with the issues. I am just glad that I am finally off that crazy train.


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## movingforward2013 (Jan 26, 2013)

Nope, just disappointed in him.


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## fourwheeler431 (Jun 21, 2013)

I tried to and really really wanted to hate her,but I can't. I finally realized that I had a part in this as well and have be working everyday to change myself for me. Everyone around us sees the improvements that I have made,and that is the most important thing for myself,is to continue on my journey. I feel that anger or hatred towards her will only slow my progress down,she already hates herself for what she did and that is good enough for me. I know my way of looking at it may not be the "norm" around here,but it is what works best for me.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

After what mine pulled tonight I have an extreme dislike for him & I really despise his actions.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> I didn't make those choices he did. *He cheating wasn't on me. It was on him*.
> 
> So, I'm well past the self-hatred. His actions disgust me and anger me from time to time, but it's much easier to let it go. The more I learn about and really absorb what's going on in his mind, the more I know that his actions towards me and the things he accuses me of (namely, things he's done and things I've never done or would do) are all part of the tricks his mind has to play on him so that he can avoid dealing with his past and get through each day.
> 
> He still has choices. And those choices have hurt people, especially our son and me. But there were still good things that came out of my involvement with him. And yes, I lost a lot of years and had more pain than I would have liked, but I'm really more at peace being away from him than I ever felt in our marriage.


Angelpixie, I was fortunate enough not to go through the self hatred phase. I went right to the anger and disgust.  I think the reason that I could skip the phase was that he had done such a good job on gas lighting me during our 24 year marriage that I had already indulged in it enough. When I discovered the affairs, the lying, the betrayal, so many things fell into place and it was a relief in a way that I could trust myself again. I absolutely take no blame for his choices. I will take the blame for some marital issues but not for his affairs/behavior.

As far as the marital issues go, how can I blame myself when every time I asked, I hit a false bottom with him? How can you fight for something when the other person is not honest enough to address it?

As far as how I conducted myself in the marriage, I can sleep well at night. 

Now, he is crushed and ''remorseful'', but he also continues to see himself as a good person, honest and forthright. He is so deluded on how self centered and destructive he is. Whatever. If he looked at what he is and what he has done clearly, I don't know if he could bear it. (But I would happily hold that mirror up for him! ) 

He just sickens me...in every possible way.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

I often think we avoid hatred to the point of self delusion. In my life I have hated as in I have wished someone genuinely dead scrubbed off the face of the earth. This probably makes me a bad person but honestly I am okay with that. I feel some wrongs do not deserve to be forgiven, some betrayals are just to far to ever believe an I'm sorry is going to cover it. 

I don't judge a person who hates anymore than I judge a person who loves. Both are sincere and real emotions that come from honest places. What you do with those emotions I'd say is what defines you as a person. I have seen those in love commit heinous acts in the name of love and I have seen beauty be born out of hatred. Again what you do with those emotions is the important thing not that you feel them. Just my 2 cents.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Yep agreed Cel.
l think it's downright self damaging to try and block hate or anger if that's what you truly feel. Your given a mind , free will , a brain and tastes , feelings , that's what they're for .
To me if someone does something really bad to me or someone else that makes me feel hate , to hell with it all l feel what l feel.
But yeah like you say , letting it rule you or mess you up , or to carry it through life with you , nother story . Just not a good way to live .


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

I have to admit that I hate him right now...working towards indifference but have A LOT to process from the past and shyt he's doing in the present.

The thing I learned about my depression is that first I'd block the negative feelings to avoid the emotion and pain, but eventually I couldn't feel anything - good or bad. I NEVER want to be back there again!

So I allow myself to process the negatives - anger, frustration and yes, hate right now. But I know once I process everything, hate won't be there. Hopefully just complete utter indifference at his existence.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I believe in indifference -- not hatred. Hate doesn't damage them at all and it isn't healthy for the person doing the hating.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> No. He lives in his own hell every day. I don't need to hate him. He hates himself enough already.





whitehawk said:


> Hi vi . Could you sort of explain , only if you don't mind !


I honestly don't hate him. It is a waste of energy. Yes I was mad and upset and hurt and betrayed....but I have never hated him. 

For someone to treat another human being the way he has just shows that he really hates himself. He hates himself so much he self destructs any relationship he is in. Why do I need to expend my energy hating him when he is so miserable with himself. I need to do nothing but just let him be him.

I accept him for who he is, and I realize we just aren't compatible. He has no morals, compassion or empathy and that is something I require in a partner.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

Right now I do. I really want to get to indifference. But I do feel better knowing that I truly do not love him anymore. I don't know if my feelings are truly hate or just a mixture of disappointment and anger. I just know I don't like him and if I could hurt him physically and not get in trouble I probably would!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> I honestly don't hate him. It is a waste of energy. Yes I was mad and upset and hurt and betrayed....but I have never hated him.
> 
> For someone to treat another human being the way he has just shows that he really hates himself. He hates himself so much he self destructs any relationship he is in. Why do I need to expend my energy hating him when he is so miserable with himself. I need to do nothing but just let him be him.
> 
> I accept him for who he is, and I realize we just aren't compatible. He has no morals, compassion or empathy and that is something I require in a partner.


Very. Well. Said. :smthumbup:


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Not that it even matters to anyone - cept my own therapy l guess. But l'm still not even sure myself on a daily basis and just couldn't get my feelings put down right about this so l've had to zap em.

But there is one area and way l can say 100% does still make me instantly feel major anger and at times even hate at x.
To have put my beautiful , so intelligent ,so head together and so innocent in all this - daughter through this and to watch helplessly many times , her pain . Trying to make it better , trying to think of things to help , positives , explain something- anything , when l didn't even do this to her - her quitting mother did without saying a word or trying to put us back together , instead , thinking only of herself .
That stuff still makes me just instantly feel like calling x every name in the book and just point blank telling her to just go get fkd !


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I finally found out who the ow is. I'm still don't hate him - just full of dissapointment because it turns out hes known her for 20 years which pretty much throws almost the entire time we were married into doubt.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

QUOTE=whitehawk;2955577]Not that it even matters to anyone - cept my own therapy l guess. But l'm still not even sure myself on a daily basis and just couldn't get my feelings put down right about this so l've had to zap em.

But there is one area and way l can say 100% does still make me instantly feel major anger and at times even hate at x.
To have put my beautiful , so intelligent ,so head together and so innocent in all this - daughter through this and to watch helplessly many times , her pain . Trying to make it better , trying to think of things to help , positives , explain something- anything , when l didn't even do this to her - her quitting mother did without saying a word or trying to put us back together , instead , thinking only of herself .
That stuff still makes me just instantly feel like calling x every name in the book and just point blank telling her to just go get fkd ![/QUOTE]

Mine surprised the kids - after them telling him over & over they did not want to meet the ow- by bringing her to dinner the other night. Its about as close as ive gotten to hating him because of what he did to the kids. After thinking about it I hate what he did and just think hes a big selfish self centered idiot!


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> I finally found out who the ow is. I'm still don't hate him - just full of dissapointment because it turns out hes known her for 20 years which pretty much throws almost the entire time we were married into doubt.


So sorry SS, wish l could sugar coat it for you.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> QUOTE=whitehawk;2955577]Not that it even matters to anyone - cept my own therapy l guess. But l'm still not even sure myself on a daily basis and just couldn't get my feelings put down right about this so l've had to zap em.
> 
> But there is one area and way l can say 100% does still make me instantly feel major anger and at times even hate at x.
> To have put my beautiful , so intelligent ,so head together and so innocent in all this - daughter through this and to watch helplessly many times , her pain . Trying to make it better , trying to think of things to help , positives , explain something- anything , when l didn't even do this to her - her quitting mother did without saying a word or trying to put us back together , instead , thinking only of herself .
> That stuff still makes me just instantly feel like calling x every name in the book and just point blank telling her to just go get fkd !


Mine surprised the kids - after them telling him over & over they did not want to meet the ow- by bringing her to dinner the other night. Its about as close as ive gotten to hating him because of what he did to the kids. After thinking about it I hate what he did and just think hes a big selfish self centered idiot![/QUOTE]


Ahh SS , l'm afraid l can not even comprehend that selfish stupidity .
You know , you could find the studies on all that , it's meant to be at least 12 mths but preferably two years . And even then , only a serious new partner and where the relationship is well past over the honeymoon period. Anyone less , does not be around your kids.
The discribe it as basically child abuse.
A good friend here helped me with this and when l showed that to my x and told her l'm going full custody unless she gets rid of him - now , it worked.
This fk has not been near my daughter since and if l find out he has been l'm picking her up.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Thanks WH. There is no sugarcoating this unfortunately. As much as I wish there were a way to I'm going to have to face it & work through it. You are right though - to a normal thinking person he is rushing this. He started pushing the kids to meet her 2 weeks after he left. In his mind hes elated - this has probably been going on a long time - she is his future so that's why he wants the kids to accept her now. It is wrong but I have a feeling hes not seeing it that way. Good for you that you stood up to her. My kids are older so in the end its up to them but as soon as the kids came home that night & told me I fired off a text asking what the hell was he thinking. I never heard back but the kids did.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

My ex was having an EA with posGF while we were still having our in-house separation and 'working on it.' She was living with someone, who was also a friend of ex's. So, DS already knew who she was. He went public with dating her several months later, but she had been over at the house many, many times prior to that, when DS was there as well. Because ex always had way more female than male friends (and multiple EAs, too, I might add), I couldn't really say that I didn't want them around DS. Ex would tell me they're 'just friends' (just like during their EAs, but I digress. ) So, Ex totally didn't see the immense difference in context when 'friend' suddenly became 'girlfriend,' and DS saw them start being affectionate in front of him. He was totally lost in his 'fog' by this time, and felt absolutely free to do this because we were split (though far from legally divorced). Didn't think of psychological effects on DS at all. I tried to tell him what studies said, and he would tell me of people he knew who did what he was doing and it turned out 'fine' -- one of them being his older sister, who had a revolving door of boyfriends/SOs when her only child was growing up. That child was an emotional mess by the time she hit junior high, and it just got worse. He used to be able to see it for what it was --- until he wanted to do the same thing.

posGF started staying overnight at the house, and he refused to put anything in the parenting agreement where I didn't want him having anyone overnight when DS was with him until the relationship was 'serious.' To someone with his personality, who gets totally engulfed in relationships quickly, 'serious' happens almost immediately. She's been living with him now since two days before Christmas, and he's acted like they will be together 'forever' since before that. So, really, they hadn't even been dating publicly for a year before she _moved in_, much less just getting around to introducing her to our son. I should add that she moved in nearly two months before we were even divorced.

Anything I tried to do to delay or prevent any of that was treated as negative co-parenting, and ex held that over my head all the time. And still does. 

And it has caused problems for DS. All I can do is be there for him. He doesn't even know I"ve dated at all. I'm afraid it's giving him a rather lop-sided view of relationships. Like, Mommy totally takes care of Daddy. Daddy decides he wants someone new and throws Mommy away. Daddy moves on quickly to some new woman, and Mommy is alone. So that means, Daddy needs someone and Mommy doesn't. I hope that doesn't stretch in his mind to: It's OK for _Men_ to act on their 'feelings' and 'needs,' regardless of what it does to their wives and kids.


I feel like it stifles what I can teach my son about my values regarding relationships. I thought ex and I felt the same way, obviously, and now I'm stuck with a co-parent who I think is a sleaze. But because of the new 'niceties' of divorce, *I'm* the one who is looked at as an angry, bad parent if I disagree with his lying, cheating, and infidelity. Sometimes, the world seems really f'd up to me.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> Sometimes, the world seems really f'd up to me.


......I've been thinking this for months and months.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

No I don't hate him and I don't wish him any harm (other than the Karma Bus...LOL) I do however hate the OW. Yes I know it is my spouses fault he cheated, but she could have waited until we split up before she turned herself into his fantasy. She knew he was married and she knows how it feels to be cheated on.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

My son gave me such a hard time about going out with friends ( a mixed group who I was friends with since I was 13-14 years old who I had lost touch with right after I got married). After what happened the other day I told him I already had plans to go to dinner with them Tuesday night (what would have been my 25th anniversary. This time - after now actually seeing why his father left - he said nothing. You know angel - many older wiser women have told me over & over since this has happened that certain men only think with one thing & its not their brains!!!!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I thought he was different, but I was proven wrong.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> I thought he was different, but I was proven wrong.


We all were. Its sad - we hold out hope for them but they fail us. I mean don't get me wrong there are women out there who pull the same stuff on the husbands & children they leave. Maybe its more the type of people they are - self centered elitests that think the world should revolve around them. We don't see it when we marry them - but then again by the time our marriages fall apart theses people are usually not the same ones we married in the first place.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

True -- I should reiterate what I've said on other threads. I don't think this type of behavior is specific to men. You're right, SSteps -- it's a personality thing. A sense of entitlement, where the person thinks they are owed everything they want, when they want it. And if those things change over time, and it affects people to whom they made vows, or people they helped to bring into the world, too bad.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> True -- I should reiterate what I've said on other threads. I don't think this type of behavior is specific to men. You're right, SSteps -- it's a personality thing. A sense of entitlement, where the person thinks they are owed everything they want, when they want it. And if those things change over time, and it affects people to whom they made vows, or people they helped to bring into the world, too bad.


I agree - if they were acting like that when we were dating them we would have never married them in the first place. It is sad that the left behind spouse & children are the ones to suffer but all we can do is try to correct those mistakes for our kids. How old is your S? I think what really gets me upset with mine is the way he got the kids to believe he changed. That he was so nice & would never do something like that to them because he had become so nice & concerned with them & then bam - he pulled the rug out right beneath them.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

My DS will be 11 in October.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> My DS will be 11 in October.


I see why you worry hes right at that impressionable age where his ideas of what being a man is all about are forming. I think all we can do is talk to them - keep the line of communication open & constantly check in with them. Ask them questions about what they see as right & wrong & correct their ideas right there. What I do know after raising two boys is not only are you dealing with a lousey ex but also other boys his age. Sometimes the ideas they get from hanging around their friends is horrifying!!


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> I despise him, what he has done and everything about him generally. A worthless POS excuse for a husband, let alone a man.


Don't sugar-coat it, tell us how you really feel about him....lol...just kidding. 

In my case, I don't think there was an emotion that I didn't have at one time. I got to where just hearing her voice was .... "oh God, what does this woman want now?". It has been many years since I have seen her and I really have no emotion whatsoever, she is just someone I knew in a former life. I am no longer the person I was back then and I don't know or care to know her now.


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## sarcasmo (Feb 1, 2013)

Hate, no. At times I pity her. Sad for her that she is so codependent on others for her happiness. Mostly I'm disgusted by her. Every time she opens her mouth, something more unbelievable, yet completely predictable comes out. She disgusts me. The last time she asked for a hug (several weeks ago now) I could barely touch her. Gave me the creeps touching her. 

I hope to achieve indifference some day. If not for me then for the kids. As a child of divorce, I always wanted to see my parents happy around each other. Not back together, just not awkward and angry which is the way it was for a long time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

sarcasmo said:


> Hate, no. At times I pity her. Sad for her that she is so codependent on others for her happiness. Mostly I'm disgusted by her. Every time she opens her mouth, something more unbelievable, yet completely predictable comes out. She disgusts me. The last time she asked for a hug (several weeks ago now) I could barely touch her. Gave me the creeps touching her.
> 
> I hope to achieve indifference some day. If not for me then for the kids. As a child of divorce, I always wanted to see my parents happy around each other. Not back together, just not awkward and angry which is the way it was for a long time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you don't mind me asking - why did you give her a hug if you didn't want to? There is always a polite way around something like that ( or a direct one if you prefer)
I'm sure with enough time you will get there but you need to stop letting her cross your boundaries or you'll never get there. 
I'm a child of divorce too - I always appreciated the times when they were cordial but they did have some huge arguments when I was growing up.


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## sarcasmo (Feb 1, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> If you don't mind me asking - why did you give her a hug if you didn't want to? There is always a polite way around something like that ( or a direct one if you prefer)
> I'm sure with enough time you will get there but you need to stop letting her cross your boundaries or you'll never get there.
> I'm a child of divorce too - I always appreciated the times when they were cordial but they did have some huge arguments when I was growing up.


I don't mind the question. At that point, I was still struggling with my boundaries. Trying to figure out how to behave in front of her. It was only a few hours early she had really disgusted me talking about introducing the kids to her POSOM, so I was reeling a bit. In hindsight, I should have politely declined. She got the message though. If you've ever experienced a "dead fish" handshake, you can imagine how the hug must have felt to her. She hasn't asked since.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

rumple9 said:


> I don't hate mine for some strange reason, probably because she will always be the love of my life I guess. Can't forgive her and she's ruined me financially, so I cannot understand why I don't hate her. Is this normal ?


It's healthy. It's normal.

Hate is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. It will only kill you.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

sarcasmo said:


> I don't mind the question. At that point, I was still struggling with my boundaries. Trying to figure out how to behave in front of her. It was only a few hours early she had really disgusted me talking about introducing the kids to her POSOM, so I was reeling a bit. In hindsight, I should have politely declined. She got the message though. If you've ever experienced a "dead fish" handshake, you can imagine how the hug must have felt to her. She hasn't asked since.


Wow - I don't think I would have acted that way if mine had just told me that ( mine just told the kids 2 days ago - after 6 months have passed- when he showed up at a restaurant with her but ive written enough about that on this & other threads) I think I wouldn't even be able to be in the same room as him. Right now I don't even want to think about his existence. Glad you got your boundaries straight though now. Indifference will come eventually. Its been 6 months for me - I'm getting there but this week has set me back its going to be a while longer.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

No, I don't hate him. Even after all the affairs and horrible way he treated me. Since he is a vapid narcissist he has been and always will be trying to fill that bottomless hole in his soul. No amount of tail he's chasing will fill that. Mainly I just pity him.


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## MisterRitter (Sep 1, 2012)

I did hate her and I reveled in it. I think it was a way to not look at how my own behavior contributed to the deterioration of our marriage. It was also a way to hold on to some part of 'us'. Oh, and I was really hurt and angry of course.

I realized a couple of months ago that I was stuck in that place of hate, that is was bubbling under the surface even though I thought I was past it. The only way for me to really heal and move on was to let go of all of the hate and hurt. I was only hurting myself at that point. I had made it abundantly clear to her how I felt, along with others in my life, but by holding onto the hate I was not doing anyone any good.

I am now working on not hating her, and I think I am most of the way there. I guess its a form of acceptance. I thought at one point I wanted to feel nothing about us and her- to just forget, but what I really want is not to feel bad about us and her. To accept the good and the bad of what we had and to move on and build a new life and be a person that I like and respect.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

I hate her because she destroyed our family and our children will forever be broken by her actions. If it were just me, I would be indifferent. But she has caused my children pain - and I hate anyone who hurts my children, by default.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Total indifference. Feel sorry for the OW tho.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

I've been hoping for the indifference to kick in which for me is the final sign of a settled mind but it won't 

Absolute bitter hatred for her and I doubt it will ever be any different.

Forget being a serial adulterer for nearly the whole marriage (10 yrs 15 relationship, 2 kids 9 and 10)
The trickle the gas lighting etc etc all the usual cheating manual
the complete destruction of our lives and as they were nearly always married men other marriages and kids wrecked too

A marriage that was a effectively a lie 

NIL REMORSE " yeah I'm sorry but .....you made me do it.....!" 

Trying to make us sell the house (I have kids for 4 days a week)
Ruining events extended family time for the kids etc etc 

Could she get worse ?

In the last month she has started addressing me to the kids as ***** (name) rather than "your dad" ie "when you see your father" etc etc 
No she's now calling me my name when talking to them. They have already objected to it 

OM who has reappeared is there on the three days she has the kids and this last weekend she has started asking what they think about step dads? and what they would call him?

I'm rarely lost for words but this has run me close

Friends have commented she has done far worse things than this but actually although that is in a simplistic way true she hasn't - this undermining me the first steps in trying to 'erase' me from their heads is just about the lowest thing I've ever had done to me - I can still barely believe a spouse is capable of doing this. 

What an absolutely despicable disgusting scum of the earth person this is 
I am ashamed of myself because for the first time in my life I have wished bad things upon another human being

I never believed I was capable of feeling like I do about her now 

Do I hate my cheating stbx ? :smthumbup:


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Sorry headspin - you know its one thing when they do things or play games with us. Its a whole other story when they do the same things to our kids or try to undermine our relationship with our kids.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

NeverMore said:


> No, I don't hate him. Even after all the affairs and horrible way he treated me. Since he is a vapid narcissist he has been and always will be trying to fill that bottomless hole in his soul. No amount of tail he's chasing will fill that. Mainly I just pity him.


Love this, nevermore. It is the direction I am heading.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Headspin said:


> I've been hoping for the indifference to kick in which for me is the final sign of a settled mind but it won't
> 
> Absolute bitter hatred for her and I doubt it will ever be any different.
> 
> ...


Bumping this because this is exactly how I am feeling right now. I was working on indifference but the pos is in town (he is usually in the EU) and it is messing with me. Hate, hate, hate. *deep breaths* I am back to actually praying for his death each day. Nice, huh?

Can't concentrate on much of anything.

I hate feeling like this. And no, I do not have to see him. I am gone when he picks up the kids (flew 8000 miles for a 3 day trip) and he is not allowed in my house.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

I'm more of a "she could die in a car accident right now" and I won't feel that bad because I think the children and I will be far better off without her and her F'd up family. Of course I hope it's a single car accident and it occurs in her brand new car she just got.

Then again. I look at her in two ways, the person I used to know and the person she is now. I don't hate the old one, but I don't have any attachment to the new one.

I sound a little schizo but it's really that simple in my mind.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

LBHmidwest said:


> I'm more of a "she could die in a car accident right now" and I won't feel that bad because I think the children and I will be far better off without her and her F'd up family. Of course I hope it's a single car accident and it occurs in her brand new car she just got.
> 
> Then again. I look at her in two ways, the person I used to know and the person she is now. I don't hate the old one, but I don't have any attachment to the new one.
> 
> I sound a little schizo but it's really that simple in my mind.


Mine is what he always was. I just know it now. As Maya Angelou said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time". I didn't.


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## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

Do I hate her? I feel like it might be getting to that point. I can't believe someone who was once so close to me could turn out to be so cold. My life and my perspective on life is changed forever.

Thanks babe...


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Brokenman85 said:


> Do I hate her? I feel like it might be getting to that point. I can't believe someone who was once so close to me could turn out to be so cold. My life and my perspective on life is changed forever.
> 
> Thanks babe...


With ya brother. With ya more if you were in KSU Purple


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Fenix said:


> Mine is what he always was. I just know it now. As Maya Angelou said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time". I didn't.



A shrink friend asked me me when my wife gave me the I don't love you speech about her mom and best friend. He said after 20 years of marriage I'd find they'd all be similar.

I vehemently disagreed. Now, 3 months later. They are all one in the same. Crazy.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

LBHmidwest said:


> A shrink friend asked me me when my wife gave me the I don't love you speech about her mom and best friend. He said after 20 years of marriage I'd find they'd all be similar.
> 
> I vehemently disagreed. Now, 3 months later. They are all one in the same. Crazy.


Disordered is destiny.

There's no way for them to maintain it without help.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Conrad said:


> Disordered is destiny.
> 
> There's no way for them to maintain it without help.


How do you mean this.

Friend is a serial cheater, doesn't care about her kids other than as a check. Mom is a severe narcissist with money. STBXW is not dressing like her friend, spending her mom's money, etc.

Funny thing is the mom hates the best friend.

Didn't mean to make this about me, just wasn't sure what you meant Conrad. Do you mean they will disintegrate at some point or ?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

LBHmidwest said:


> How do you mean this.
> 
> Friend is a serial cheater, doesn't care about her kids other than as a check. Mom is a severe narcissist with money. STBXW is not dressing like her friend, spending her mom's money, etc.
> 
> ...


That's what I mean.

When people "change" in the way yours has, ti's not really a change.

It's a disordered part of them that's been suppressed.

And, getting their crap together requires a very big catharsis. First, they have to admit to their pos tendencies (sound familiar), forgive you, and forgive themselves for making such a huge-assed mess of things.

Going forward, they have to be DETERMINED not to push you away when tempted to do so, realize their emotions are dysregulated, and overcome those impulses.

It's not for the faint of heart.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Ya, get it and thanks. Our pastor said that to me right away after speaking with her for five minutes when this happened.

He said she had an "inside voice" telling her to go the other direction but the "good" voice was telling her not to. Finally she gave in to the other voice and it's been full steam ahead.

Eventually, it will catch up to her.

God help her and the rest of us.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

It's a thin line between love and hate.

Do I hate her for lying, breaking my heart, divorcing me, replacing me and acting like she never knew me? No I don't.

I'm looking forward to the day when I am indifferent towards her. Luckily we have no legitimate reason to ever contact each other again.

In retrospect, I lost nothing but time and money with her. I'm really lucky


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Pictureless said:


> It's a thin line between love and hate.
> 
> Do I hate her for lying, breaking my heart, divorcing me, replacing me and acting like she never knew me? No I don't.
> 
> ...


We all lost more, a piece of us.

I think of the 100's and thousands of trips, days, nights, time, a piece of me - literally.

I'll have some piece of the kids, but not the whole piece.

When this first happened I read it was better to have a spouse you love die. The author was right.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

LBHmidwest said:


> We all lost more, a piece of us.
> 
> I think of the 100's and thousands of trips, days, nights, time, a piece of me - literally.
> 
> ...


You have your kids with her; you will always have a tie. That's both good and bad. And you never know, she may come back into the light....just don't count on it for your sake. But the best part is your kids-you have something real to show for your marriage.

I didn't lose a piece of me, I got it back. It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Had I seen this thread when it began I would have answered that of course I hate him. How could I not after what he did. But that was then. And now I don't. After the divorce I wanted most of all peace in my life and I couldn't get there with hate so I let it go. But I sure did hate him for awhile. And thought how much better my life would have been if he had just died and not cheated. I'm over that now. His life is his and mine is mine and I'm grateful for that.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Openminded said:


> Had I seen this thread when it began I would have answered that of course I hate him. How could I not after what he did. But that was then. And now I don't. After the divorce I wanted most of all peace in my life and I couldn't get there with hate so I let it go. But I sure did hate him for awhile. And thought how much better my life would have been if he had just died and not cheated. I'm over that now. His life is his and mine is mine and I'm grateful for that.


I am working on it, Openminded. For now, it ebbs and flows. How long did it take for you to get there?


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

I wish a thousand time i could hate him! but I don't... I love him, Ill always love him. He lied, decieved, and made a fool of me.. but i dont hate him. I want to though.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

I don't really care about her enough to hate her.


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

Yes. Right now, at this very moment I hate her. Initially, I hated her for tearing my family apart, for embarrassing me, for making me feel insignificant and for dashing my hopes and dreams. Now I hate her for causing my girls so much pain. I hope one day not to hate her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Fenix said:


> Mine is what he always was. I just know it now. As Maya Angelou said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time". I didn't.


This is a very good quote. 

I was showed many times who my ex was early on and throughout our marriage. I chose to accept it, rationalize it, forgive it, etc.

I got what I bargained for, so I don't hate her. She is who she always has been.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Love & hate are very close emotions, I switch between love & hate frequently! He didn't cheat but he's still being a selfish ass!


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Hmm not hate for me but I do get the pleasure of now court ordering a discovery into her and her boyfriends business they started together. I like the vindication of looking deeply into his business. He violated me by doinking my wife, I get to look at his books and get half of everything they've made since shes a 50/50 partner. So they both get to know who really screwed who. Go me!


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

helolover said:


> This is a very good quote.
> 
> I was showed many times who my ex was early on and throughout our marriage. I chose to accept it, rationalize it, forgive it, etc.
> 
> I got what I bargained for, so I don't hate her. She is who she always has been.


It's quite the eye opener to realize that, ain't it?


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

As an emotion, hate takes a huge amount of effort and energy to maintain.

I have no desire to waste an ounce of energy on her, so no I don't hate her.

I do have the odd 5 minutes where I feel angry at her, despite the fact that she has been gone almost 6 months, and I haven't spoken to her in nearly 3 months. The anger subsides when I remind myself I'm just wasting precious time and energy on someone undeserving.


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