# Wife wants mom to move in with us



## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

I'm sure this has been covered as a topic but I need some advice:

The story - My wife's father passed away a couple weeks ago so I know emotions are in flux. Before he passed away he and my mother in-law were looking at assisted living facilities and I can honestly say they were looking as a positive thing. When he passed away my mother-in-law said she still wanted that, she needs assistance as she doesn't get around well and has an oxygen tank she needs mostly at night, she has trouble navigating stairs etc. She was encouraged with a place (new, nice and clean) and put a deposit down and was eager to show me the layout and talk about the amenities. I told her I thought she got a good deal and it's within 5 minutes of us so we can see her all the time.

Until today that is. My wife was helping her pack and suddenly my wife says she should live with us. I understand it's a big step when your parents go to an assisted living facility even a nice one. 

It is a situation that is for her benefit as we both work and she'd be home alone for 12 hours a day with no assistance. I see this as isolating her further and leaving her more dependent. I think she'd benefit from making friends with people especially those who may have experienced the same things and loses in life. 

My wife wants to discuss it tomorrow and has let me know that it is now what her mom wants too. I feel a bit boxed in. I don't want her living with us but importantly, it isn't what's best for her.

Any advice is appreciated.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Why did she talk to her mother about it before talking to you?

I would be very upset with that.

Tell you you need marriage counseling before you would agree. You need an experienced neutral party to tell you both (but especially her) what kind of effect it will have on your marriage.
Because it ALWAYS changes the marriage dynamic.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If she is in need of all day care, then surely the assisted living is best unless you can get someone to be with her during the day?
Your wife should have talked to you about it before she mentioned it to her mum, if you say no now it will make you look like the baddie. 
Is the place near where you live so that you can visit regularly? Is another alternative that you all buy a place with a separate annexe so she would be near but not in the same living space?


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> If she is in need of all day care, then surely the assisted living is best unless you can get someone to be with her during the day?
> Your wife should have talked to you about it before she mentioned it to her mum, if you say no now it will make you look like the baddie.
> Is the place near where you live so that you can visit regularly? Is another alternative that you all buy a place with a separate annexe so she would be near but not in the same living space?


Hi Diana,

Thanks for the response, she is in need of care and I worry about what could happen during the day if she slipped on the stairs or something. The assisted living place she put a deposit on is 5 minutes from here. It's the closest one to where we live. I could walk there.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Why did she talk to her mother about it before talking to you?
> 
> I would be very upset with that.
> 
> ...



Thanks for the response Wolfman, this just happened so I'm still processing things. Your point about talking to her mom first hadn't yet occurred to me...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> Hi Diana,
> 
> Thanks for the response, she is in need of care and I worry about what could happen during the day if she slipped on the stairs or something. The assisted living place she put a deposit on is 5 minutes from here. It's the closest one to where we live. I could walk there.


I think that seems like a far better alternative. She will have help 24/7, company all day if she wants it, things to do, and you and your wife very close by. If she is on her own 12 hours a day she will probably feel lonely and isolated, and as you say, if something happens what then? 
It should have been something that you discussed together. Its a big decision. Not so easy now that your wife has told her mum and not asked you first.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> Hi Diana,
> 
> Thanks for the response, she is in need of care and I worry about what could happen during the day if she slipped on the stairs or something. The assisted living place she put a deposit on is 5 minutes from here. It's the closest one to where we live. I could walk there.


Nothing to worry about. Your wife will be right there to help her. Obviously her mother is more important than money, right?


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Don't do it, you will be sorry if you do.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Epically bad idea. This is totally an emotional decision. It will be VERY hard on your marriage and I would only do it if there was no other alternative. If she needs assistance, you will end up moving her twice, which is not good for her either. She should go forward with what her and her husband had already decided on. Five minutes from you is ideal and much safer on all levels.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> Nothing to worry about. Your wife will be right there to help her. Obviously her mother is more important than money, right?


Well, she isn't going to quit her job so the fear is very real. Not only could something very well happen to her, but here she is more isolated and will grow more dependent because there isn't anything available to her during the day that she would enjoy or would encourage her independence. She'd be here with a tv remote for companionship.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> Well, *she isn't going to quit her job* so the fear is very real. Not only could something very well happen to her, but here she is more isolated and will grow more dependent because there isn't anything available to her during the day that she would enjoy or would encourage her independence. She'd be here with a tv remote for companionship.


I don't think it's as unthinkable as you think it is.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> I don't think it's as unthinkable as you think it is.


Maybe I'd better more carefully consider the situation as it is before I make claims like that!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> Maybe I'd better more carefully consider the situation as it is before I make claims like that!


If you let your mother in law move in then your marriage and life is over as you know it.
Because she will be alone all day she will understandably want your attention when you come home.Alone time will be a thing of the past.Fights with your wife will become two against one.Even simple little things like what to watch on tv or what to have for dinner will become a major problem.
Your life will become one big compromise.
You need to explain to your wife all the points previous posters have made about your mil’s safety and her quality of life but if she won’t listen then be prepared to give her an ultimatum and only give an ultimatum if you are willing to carry it out.
I would divorce my wife if she tried to move her mother in with us.And she knows it.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> Maybe I'd better more carefully consider the situation as it is before I make claims like that!


This is a touchy, no win situation. If MIL does poorly in your home, wife will want to stay home or hire help. If she does well, your life as you know it is forever changed. Wife has already put her mom over you in her decisions.

I know a family that recently has had to move FIL five times in a month as his needs deteriorated. They second guess themselves daily. 

The only good news is that you do not have @Andy1001s precious MIL (as reported by him).


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Tell her if MOM is moving in, your moving out! 

LOL

Seriously, though.

She can't come. 

Hubby and I had this discussion before we married.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

FieryHairedLady said:


> Tell her if MOM is moving in, your moving out!
> 
> LOL
> 
> ...


In retrospect....Yeah she didn't have this discussion with me to begin with, she discussed it with mom and now I know she talked about it with our oldest kid too...sigh...


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> In retrospect....Yeah she didn't have this discussion with me to begin with, she discussed it with mom and now I know she talked about it with our oldest kid too...sigh...


When are you going to cut this off at the pass and tell your wife no? This is a wildfire out of control now. She can't move in with you. You need to stop this right now.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

lucy999 said:


> When are you going to cut this off at the pass and tell your wife no? This is a wildfire out of control now. She can't move in with you. You need to stop this right now.


Thanks Lucy, I found out about this just yesterday and she'll be home from her moms this afternoon. The **** will his the fan then I'm sure.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> Thanks Lucy, I found out about this just yesterday and she'll be home from her moms this afternoon. The sh*t will his the fan then I'm sure.


You are being railroaded here.
You need to stop this situation immediately or it will be too late.
Your wife is coming across as very manipulative especially using your children in her scheme.
Good luck tonight.Be strong.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Nucking Futs said:


> I don't think it's as unthinkable as you think it is.


 Yep. 
The first time she falls or has some issue, your wife will start working fewer hours to "help" with Mom. The more Mom ages and her health deteriorates it will turn into full-time care. Your wife will start to be tired and irritable and you will be the recipient of the grumpiness. This is the top of a downward spiral and will only get more difficult to resolve the farther you get down that spiral.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So, her daughter is OK with her vulnerable mom being left, alone, for 12 hours a day? :wtf:


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Omg, no no no no no!!

I can't believe your wife discussed this with her mum AND your eldest child before you!

You've been put in an absolutely impossible situation - you're now the bad guy if you put a stop to this. No matter how rational your argument is, and it is!! I also would be asking your wife if she has any plans to stop working.

My Mum will likely live with us when she reaches the stage of needing assistance, but the difference is, my husband and I discussed this together before we raised the subject with Mum. The three of us then discussed it and we all agree that we don't want to live under one roof, so we will either build on or move to a home with what we call a granny flat here in Australia. Mum will be safe, close by and we will all keep our privacy as she'll have her own entrance and self contained space.

You NEED to nip this in the bud OP. The best place for your MIL is the assisted living facility.


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## Spent (Jan 27, 2019)

First I will say not all assisted living places are the same and there are good ones and bad ones just like everything. 5 minute away where you can check on her and a nice facility that has activities for her may be a positive experience for her. Talking and interacting with others her age. Having a sense of independence that when your wife visits several times a week she can relate stories of HER life and activities to your wife will be a good thing. 
It is simply a fact!!! If she moves in with you, you and your wife's relationship and daily lives will change. Will it be the end of the world? Maybe, maybe not. Will it be positive for you? Probably not. Will your wife fulfill some sense of purpose and responsibility in her life? Maybe. Will she quit her job eventually? Very good possibility. Mother is sick they have no one to cover or say she has to come in or they will have to replace her, because they can not give her any more time off?? "What, you expect me to put this job over my sick mother at home?"
As stated by others, this close to her father passing is an emotional decision, not a rational, well thought out one. Best of luck.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

There's an urban legend that goes like this:

"You know what the Chinese character for "trouble" is?
Two women under one roof."

This isn't true, but I can see why some people believe it. >

Serious answer: don't do it. Nothing but trouble can result, regardless of the Chinese character's fictional nature.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> In retrospect....Yeah she didn't have this discussion with me to begin with, she discussed it with mom and now I know she talked about it with our oldest kid too...sigh...


I can't tell whether you're in possession of a set of balls, but I'm hoping so. You need to draw the line, and make it clear that this plan of your MIL moving into your home is not going forward. Once she's there, you'll never get her out. Don't even think about entertaining any "just for a few months" garbage.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

If this goes down, be prepared for an end to your intimate life as well.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It is possible that you could move to a place that has a fully self contained granny annexe? OK its not ideal as she will still need loads of support, but surely better than all being in the same house.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I am a woman who loves my mother fiercely. There is absolutely no way I would do this period and I certainly wouldn't tell my mom I was going to do this without discussing it with my husband. It may temporarily make you seem like the badd guy, but this needs to be a Hill you are willing to die on. She completely disrespected you by making all these plans without even talking to you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This might be a decent idea if your wife didnt work and would be home with Mom all the time. (and discussed with YOU first!!) To me it seems negligent on your wife's part, why in the world would she prefer her to spend all those hours all by herself?? I find it doubtful that this is what Mom really wants.. it would be difficult to turn down such an offer from your child. I do wish you luck.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> I'm sure this has been covered as a topic but I need some advice:
> 
> The story - My wife's father passed away a couple weeks ago so I know emotions are in flux. Before he passed away he and my mother in-law were looking at assisted living facilities and I can honestly say they were looking as a positive thing. When he passed away my mother-in-law said she still wanted that, she needs assistance as she doesn't get around well and has an oxygen tank she needs mostly at night, she has trouble navigating stairs etc. She was encouraged with a place (new, nice and clean) and put a deposit down and was eager to show me the layout and talk about the amenities. I told her I thought she got a good deal and it's within 5 minutes of us so we can see her all the time.
> 
> ...


This is tricky and understandable. The emotions involved with your wife losing her dad and your mil losing her husband are still raw. I think you are 100% correct that an assisted living facility is best. I think you should state your case pointing out the reality that the facility is in your mil best interest. I also suggest you look for help from a social worker to discuss how these things can play out trying to provide care at home. I also think it could be worth a discussion with you all and your MILs doctor. 

People have hard time watching their parents go into even the best assisted living homes, doing so right after a the other parent has passed I can only imagine is much more difficult. I assume they were planning this before he died for a good reason. If they felt it was necessary when he was still alive I assume it is even more necessary now given she will be alone in your house most of the time. 

Your MIL is likely to wither away alone in your home when she could have a much more active and interactive life in a good assisted living home.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I would approach this as what is best for your MIL. SHE NEEDS care -- adult living will give her that. It has been shown that when folks get older, if they have interactions with people, they live a better, healthier life. Adult living will give her that. She WILL be able to interact with people her age/interests and will be much better than sitting at home waiting for a visiting health care person to visit for a couple of hours (which you would need at the MINIMUM for her at your house).

Try to keep the conversation with your wife/MIL unemotional, and what is best for HER.

My FIL (RIP) LOVED the assisted living place he was in -- about 20 minutes from us, so we saw him all the time, he met a TON of people (mostly single women who kept making him lunch and dinner!) and he could still drive, so he did a ton of activities with folks (driving for shopping/mall, etc.).


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Any chance you can speak to the MIL and get her to be the one to request to be in assisted living? All the reasons you've mentioned seem like it would be something she would want for herself. She may be going along with it because she doesn't want to hurt your wife's feelings. 

I imagine your wife is feeling the loss of her father and is trying to ensure she spends as much time as possible with her mom. I doubt she's thinking logically or that logic will work to change her mind. 

One alternative would be to agree to letting MIL move in, but require that certain modifications be made to the house. For example, she would need her own bedroom suite downstairs with its own full bathroom. If you can't do that in your house, start looking for a new house. While you are looking into all that stuff, MIL can stay at the assisted living. That way she starts at AL and she and your wife may see that it's a good solution.

The fact is, even if it's difficult, your wife may still think it's worth it. You can't put a price on time spent with parents. Even if your wife has to quit her job and be her nurse 24/7, she may still feel it's worth it. So trying to convince her to change her mind because it's hard would be like trying to convince someone not to have kids because they are hard.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

happyhusband0005 said:


> This is tricky and understandable. The emotions involved with your wife losing her dad and your mil losing her husband are still raw. I think you are 100% correct that an assisted living facility is best. I think you should state your case pointing out the reality that the facility is in your mil best interest. I also suggest you look for help from a social worker to discuss how these things can play out trying to provide care at home. I also think it could be worth a discussion with you all and your MILs doctor.
> 
> People have hard time watching their parents go into even the best assisted living homes, doing so right after a the other parent has passed I can only imagine is much more difficult. I assume they were planning this before he died for a good reason. If they felt it was necessary when he was still alive I assume it is even more necessary now given she will be alone in your house most of the time.
> 
> Your MIL is likely to wither away alone in your home when she could have a much more active and interactive life in a good assisted living home.


Thanks for the comment. I know this is hard for both of them and I had hoped any transition would be mitigated by her being just a few minutes away. I do see her withering here and becoming more dependent without anything to do all day but watch TV. I told my wife last night that the assisted living place would be a better option for her and we of course will see her all the time. I know that people do well (especially those who have suffered a loss) when they have the company of others many of whom have shared experiences. There is also a far greater chance she will be active there which she needs to be. I'd really like her to have an interactive and meaningful life with the time she has. I'm afraid she won't get those things home alone. She's had a lot of friends in the past and I know she can interact and have fun.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> I told my wife last night that the assisted living place would be a better option for her and we of course will see her all the time.


You do have another card to play. If you can't stop your MIL from moving in, then it's time to make your own suggestion: _"hey how about my elderly mother/father/aunt/uncle etc moves in too? They get really lonely." _


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

What was your wife's response?


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