# How do I let him know it’s not him?



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Many have seen my story I’m sure. But regardless, I’m still incredibly attracted to my husband. 

I just have no sex drive. Or at least nowhere near what it used to be.

My husband has an incredibly high drive, probably higher than normal, and I just have no desire to keep up anymore. I’m good with once or twice a week, he wants it daily or twice daily. I just don’t have it in me anymore.

For the record I’m 43 with jacked up hormones that I know play a part in it. Because during specific times of the month, my drive is through the roof, but other times I just have no desire. It’s like someone flipped a switch in me and it’s just......gone. I still look at him and think he’s hot/sexy/attractive, I just don’t think”oh I need to have sex now!” anymore.

He’s brought up I don’t initiate anymore, but he was always more of the inititiator because his drive has always been higher. To make matters worse, he doesn’t sleep in bed with me for 2 years now because our bed hurts his back. I’m much more of an organic and touchy feely inititiator where hes just like “let’s do it, I’m ready now”. We have two kids at home. I’m no longer comfortable with just doing it on the couch because they’re at the age they come and go all the time, it’s not like when they were little and we could do it while they were down for a nap.

I’ve tried to tell him that, but he still thinks I should initiate when we’re watching TV. I don’t because I’m not trying to be out in the open when one of the kids could pop up any time. I’ve even said we can go in the bedroom any time he wants and he’ll just sit there. My house is not large, one story, if we’re in the living room, it only takes a second for someone to get into the room we’re in.

He also says I’m no longer affectionate, but affection always leads to sex and then that either feels empty for me (why can’t I just have a hug without being groped?) or it makes me feel like my feelings don’t matter, just the sex. (I often give affection when I NEED affection).

I would much rather him initiate. I rarely say no, even if I’m not IN the mood because I can generally get in the mood after a little touching. I pay the bills, I work a ton, I do 99% of the stuff with the kids, my job has become incredibly stressful, I do initiate almost all of thr affection, I do all the cooking, all the grocery shopping, most of the laundry, all the taking care of the dogs, adding being the one to initiate- which he’s now stopped doing because he says he wants to see how long it will take me - just makes it feel like another job I have to take care of.

Help. I do love my husband. I do enjoy sex. I just don’t want to do it every day and I don’t want the pressure of being the initiator every time.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

If you at least want it 2x a week, I think thats pretty good. Maybe you could up it 1-2 more times and he could decrease his and you all would still be having sex around 3-4x per week, Many would be happy with that amount!

And maybe you all would be good candidates for "scheduled sex"? I would hate having sex based on a calendar but it would reduce the need for one or the other to be the initiator.

Personally if you are open to it when he inititiates, not sure why he is troubled that you don't initiate. 

Sounds like you problem is resolvable from what you have written.

Good luck!


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> If you at least want it 2x a week, I think thats pretty good. Maybe you could up it 1-2 more times and he could decrease his and you all would still be having sex around 3-4x per week, Many would be happy with that amount!
> 
> And maybe you all would be good candidates for "scheduled sex"? I would hate having sex based on a calendar but it would reduce the need for one or the other to be the initiator.
> 
> ...


Except some men aren't happy if they don't feel wanted. So they make the LD initiating a condition.

OP it does sound like he's just one more thing to do. What exactly does he do? Does he work? Pay the bills? Keep the yard up? Isn't he the one that was cheating or thinking about cheating (can't quite remember your story).

Anyways scheduling might take the pressure off you both like FLoridaGuy said. You both know when to go to the bedroom and no one has to worry about initiating. It does help if you think about sex during the day or things you want done to you. How does he help with the sexual tension? Does he text you flirty messages? Touch you throughout the day? Do small things he knows you'll like?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Get a sleep number bed so you can have different settings for both of you but sleep in the same bed.

You seem perfectly reasonable. My wife sounds similar to you and sometimes when she doesn’t feel like having sex she’ll give me a BJ. Apparently it’s not as bothersome for her sometimes and that’s fine with me. I’d say I’m similar to your husband in drive in that I want sex everyday 1-2x.

We manage around 4-5x a week which I have found is fine for me.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Spoiler alert: It's not going to get any easier. Aging sucks.

How much younger is your husband? I'm 54 with a 60 year old wife, what used to be effortless now take effort (at times a lot). A crutch we employ occasionally is "naked time". No pressure for sex but we'll see what happens (and often something does), but at the least she'll provide eye candy and a landing pad for me to take care of myself. YMMV.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

@LosingHim,

To me, _some_ of what you expressed doesn’t jive with the notion “it isn’t him”.

Respectfully, I suggest you reread what you wrote as if some stranger here wrote it, and see if there are things the husband could/should do differently, and that the wife could/should feel more comfortable expecting from her lover.

I would agree it tends to get more difficult as we age. I believe no matter how a difference in desire frequency emerges, there is much to be gained or lost with how the partners subsequently handle it.

Consider rewriting your opening post as a letter to him, making a clear declaration of what you’d like him to do differently and why — and then leave it on the pillow in “his room”.

Fixing the bed situation seems like a necessary thing. Him doing an experiment by not initiating for a while to see if maybe your level of desire has changed or if it is just in his head seems, potentially, ok. Him refusing to adapt and take on more initiation seems foolish and counterproductive. Him not willing to move from the couch so you can comfortably get busy in a locked room sounds disrespectful and destructive.

He has a lot to lose. You both will have to communicate (both listen and express) and lovingly adapt, or else desire in one or both can reach absolute zero. Don’t put it all on your shoulders. It doesn’t do either of you any favors.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

LosingHim said:


> Many have seen my story I’m sure. But regardless, I’m still incredibly attracted to my husband.
> 
> I just have no sex drive. Or at least nowhere near what it used to be.
> 
> ...


If he doesn't want to have sex bad enough to get up off the couch and go in the bedroom, damn if I'd spend time worrying about it. But yeah it's kind of weird to just be having sex with someone you're never even sleeping next to, so CCpower's suggestion about a sleep number bed or even two twin mattresses put together one hard and one soft or whatever. They have things you can put in the divide.

P.S. I wouldn't worry about whether he thinks it's him or not because I haven't seen too many people on this forum who care why. Many want more sex and don't really care if it's inconvenient for the woman all that much. As far as he's concerned he's probably blaming you for it anyway. He doesn't sound completely faultless either. But the point is if he's being ridiculous about trying to work out the details so that you can have some compromise, that's on him.. to reach a middle ground you both have to do something you don't want to I imagine.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

LosingHim said:


> Help. I do love my husband. I do enjoy sex. I just don’t want to do it every day and I don’t want the pressure of being the initiator every time.


This is fundamentally different than the couples where the attraction and desire have either been lost or perhaps were never there to begin with. This is something you can work with here. 

If a sincere sit-down discussion over this cannot resolve it, it may be something that MC or sex therapy can help. 

And while I don't believe in choreplay or that the more dishes a man does, the more his wife will desire him; neither can we dismiss the fact that a day only has 24 hours and if one person is working themselves into the dirt and to exhaustion while the other hangs out, the other cannot expect to be swinging from the chandeliers every day. 

This again is something that can be addressed in MC/therapy. There does need to be at least a reasonable division of labor if the time and energy for intimacy can exist.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

What is the deal with him not caring if the children walk in? There is something very off with that. I mean it would be one thing if he wasn't actively resisting going to the bedroom and it just accidentally happened but it's like he's planning it.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Anastasia6 said:


> Except some men aren't happy if they don't feel wanted. So they make the LD initiating a condition.
> 
> OP it does sound like he's just one more thing to do. What exactly does he do? Does he work? Pay the bills? Keep the yard up? Isn't he the one that was cheating or thinking about cheating (can't quite remember your story).
> 
> Anyways scheduling might take the pressure off you both like FLoridaGuy said. You both know when to go to the bedroom and no one has to worry about initiating. It does help if you think about sex during the day or things you want done to you. How does he help with the sexual tension? Does he text you flirty messages? Touch you throughout the day? Do small things he knows you'll like?


He does work and he takes care of the yard and the pool. Except where we live, that’s only from May to October-ish. So those other months, he doesn’t really do much around the house, never has. And yes, he had a lengthy affair. I haven’t been one of those women that ever gave him a “cold” period afterwards though. If anything, we had the hysterical bonding period that lasted a really long time. I’ve never stopped desiring him, I can look at him and still think he’s the hottest man I’ve seen. It’s just like I don’t have the motor running anymore unless I’m warmed up first. I just don’t think about it. He’s not a physically affectionate guy, I mean, he’ll walk up and hug me from behind, but it always comes with a grope. It’s never just a hug. It’s not that I don’t like sexy touching too, I just wish I could get a hug that didn’t always come with a grope if that makes sense.

And it’s not that he’s just another thing to do. It’s just that some evenings, it’s just TOO much. Wake up, get the kid to school, coordinate stuff with the other two kids who are older (if they need something they call me, not him - I’m the default parent), my work is incredibly stressful, come home, cook dinner, do dishes, etc, a lot of times I don’t sit down until 8pm. So sometimes it does just feel like another thing I have to do if _I_ have to initiate. I’m perfectly fine if he wants to initiate and rarely ever say no, it’s just feels like another thing _I_ have to do when I already feel exhausted.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

ccpowerslave said:


> Get a sleep number bed so you can have different settings for both of you but sleep in the same bed.
> 
> You seem perfectly reasonable. My wife sounds similar to you and sometimes when she doesn’t feel like having sex she’ll give me a BJ. Apparently it’s not as bothersome for her sometimes and that’s fine with me. I’d say I’m similar to your husband in drive in that I want sex everyday 1-2x.
> 
> We manage around 4-5x a week which I have found is fine for me.


Ive told him numerous times to buy whatever bed he wants. He’s had multiple surgeries and our bed is too soft. He said he needs something firm. I’d just buy one but I don’t know what he wants/needs other than firm. I’d rather him pick what he needs. I’ve brought it up a ton of times, he just never seems to buy one. Just says he’s looking.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

CharlieParker said:


> Spoiler alert: It's not going to get any easier. Aging sucks.
> 
> How much younger is your husband? I'm 54 with a 60 year old wife, what used to be effortless now take effort (at times a lot). A crutch we employ occasionally is "naked time". No pressure for sex but we'll see what happens (and often something does), but at the least she'll provide eye candy and a landing pad for me to take care of myself. YMMV.


Hes 37. I actually get ready in the nude all the time (when the kids are home the door is shut, if they aren’t home I walk around the house nude) He used to always take advantage of that, sneak off to the bedroom or come in the bathroom and shut the door. Now he’ll walk by and grab by butt or something, but that’s it. Because he wants me to initiate.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

DownByTheRiver said:


> What is the deal with him not caring if the children walk in? There is something very off with that. I mean it would be one thing if he wasn't actively resisting going to the bedroom and it just accidentally happened but it's like he's planning it.


He was sleeping in the basement. Which is finished, with a closed off room. The kids rarely go down there, but if we were down there - you can hear them walking across the floor so there was time to stop and get situated. Even then, the room is really large and I’d tell him I just felt too exposed and it made me nervous. But he probably just ignored it because I’d do it anyway. But now we have a new couch so he’s moved to sleeping upstairs. If he’s home, he’s on the couch. Which means he wants me on the couch next to him and he wants me touching him and doing foreplay-ish things on the couch while we watch tv. He thinks we can just cover up with a blanket or something. But the kids that are still home are 14 and 17 and theyre never that far away. I just don’t like it. But he’s VERY jumpy and freaks out at the slightest noise which makes absolutely no sense why he’s always trying to get started on the couch.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

LosingHim said:


> He was sleeping in the basement. Which is finished, with a closed off room. The kids rarely go down there, but if we were down there - you can hear them walking across the floor so there was time to stop and get situated. Even then, the room is really large and I’d tell him I just felt too exposed and it made me nervous. But he probably just ignored it because I’d do it anyway. But now we have a new couch so he’s moved to sleeping upstairs. If he’s home, he’s on the couch. Which means he wants me on the couch next to him and he wants me touching him and doing foreplay-ish things on the couch while we watch tv. He thinks we can just cover up with a blanket or something. But the kids that are still home are 14 and 17 and theyre never that far away. I just don’t like it. But he’s VERY jumpy and freaks out at the slightest noise which makes absolutely no sense why he’s always trying to get started on the couch.


He may have a theme for getting caught. It probably makes him more excited. Anyway, again, if he doesn't want to have sex bad enough to take his butt to the bedroom, he doesn't want sex very bad.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

LosingHim said:


> Help. I do love my husband. I do enjoy sex. I just don’t want to do it every day and I don’t want the pressure of being the initiator every time.


The dynamics of your marriage sound somewhat familiar to mine. My wife has however put her foot down on her ability to initiate and enjoy sex at levels I would want. 

He needs to understand that he is starving you of nonsexual intimacy! You need to spell that out for him! 

It would be kind of like sitting down to the dinner table and going straight for desert every freaking single time again, and again, and again, and again to the point you may get to the point that just eating desert will make you nauseous. You meanwhile need some fiber and protein to the point you are craving it! You go through the trouble to prepare some fresh vegetables and he is getting upset that you don't just shove them onto the floor and slam a "death by chocolate" cake in his face. 

Spell it out for him! 

Make a schedule for both sexual and nonsexual intimacy based on frequencies that are reasonably workable so that NEITHER of you has to initiate. You get a morning of hugs, back rubs, and conversations without any further expectations. He gets an evening of blow jobs, boobs in his face, and your butt twerking so much he can't hang on for more than eight seconds before getting thrown across the room.

Joking aside, scheduling things based on frequencies that allow some relationship building for both sexual and nonsexual intimacy will help. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Hubby sounds like a real douchebag IMO.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

LosingHim said:


> Ive told him numerous times to buy whatever bed he wants. He’s had multiple surgeries and our bed is too soft. He said he needs something firm. I’d just buy one but I don’t know what he wants/needs other than firm. I’d rather him pick what he needs. I’ve brought it up a ton of times, he just never seems to buy one. Just says he’s looking.


I see now, that his bed is in another room, upstairs.

He does not want to sleep in the same bed with you, for another reason.

He can then take care of his sexual needs, unobserved.

He likely is into porn.



_L-_


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

SunCMars said:


> I see now, that his bed is in another room, upstairs.
> 
> He does not want to sleep in the same bed with you, for another reason.
> 
> ...


Hes always watched porn. It’s never been hidden. Or I should say over the last 15 years it hasn’t been. He used to try to hide it in the beginning. And he knows I know he watches it. We’ve had more discussions than I can count about it. He slept in the bed with me one night a few weeks ago when we went out that evening and went on a date. He got sex that night and in the morning. He slept with me on Christmas Eve and it was the same thing. But then he complains the entire next day and on Christmas Eve he tossed and turned so much I didn’t get any sleep either. Our bed IS really soft, with back and shoulder surgeries (and another back surgery pending yay) I can see it being an issue.He just won’t take any steps to fix it.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

badsanta said:


> The dynamics of your marriage sound somewhat familiar to mine. My wife has however put her foot down on her ability to initiate and enjoy sex at levels I would want.
> 
> He needs to understand that he is starving you of nonsexual intimacy! You need to spell that out for him!
> 
> ...


That’s a lot of what it is. He’s taken away pretty much any sense of intimacy I had. I enjoyed laying in bed together and sometimes something as simple as accidentally bumping toes would start it up. I like rolling over and putting my arm around him or vice versa. A lot of times I’d get up first and then go back in and just lay my head on his chest. I can’t do any of that anymore with him sleeping on the couch. He says I can just come lay on top of him in the morning but a couch isn’t comfortable for 2 for long. I do it sometimes but again - starting sex in the living room is not something I enjoy when the kids are home. NYE he got a lap dance/strip tease and sex on the couch - but the kids weren’t home, they were all at friends. I even tried to point that out in the morning, but we haven’t had sex since because I haven’t initiated. But he also hasn’t left the couch.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This is that, mere existing we hear about, that unloving arrangement.

Day after day, one Earth rotation, after another.

Get off the cold, monotonous carousal, get out from under his spell.

Make plans for a new beginning.

You deserve better, always have.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

1. Get a new bed. For the sake of your general marital intimacy, I’d start there. Sharing a bed is important for sexual and non-sexual intimacy.

2. write all of this out to him in a letter. Explain that you love him, are in love with him, are attracted to him and desire him, and that you want and enjoy sex with him - just not as often as he does. 

Explain to him that your desire (as for many/most women) tends to be more reactive, and that you prefer/are turned on when he initiates sex.

Explain that you need frequent non-sexual affection/touching from him - and give him frequent non-sexual affection. 
And get used to the idea that your husband is a sexual man and is going to grope you. As long as it’s mixed in with non-sexual affection/touching as well, it’s normal.

3. Give unsolicited blowjobs in between so he’s not going several days or a week between sexual encounters with you.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> ..... I’m still incredibly attracted to my husband.
> 
> I just have no sex drive. Or at least nowhere near what it used to be.
> 
> ...


I am sorry you feel this way. 

I think that you both love him and resent him. I also think that your husband is terrible confused by your hormone swings.

If you look at what you have posted, you wish he had a lower sex drive, but it is much deeper than that. Your words say you are resentful and don't feel like all you do is appreciated. The two of you also seem to be going through a power exchange fight to see who will dominate the other and using sex as the method of fighting with each other. I would suggest you figure out exactly what it is that troubles you. Then talk to him about that and see if the two of you can come up with a solution that you both like.

No spouse should use withholding of sex as a weapon to get their way! You are saying that is what your H is doing by refusing to initiate anymore. This is a serious problem that the two of you should address sooner rather than later. If sex is as important to him as you say, then he must be very desperate to refuse sex as a way of trying to get you to change your behavior.

You both need to understand that neither of you can force the other partner to change. Change only happens if you or he want to change. Trying to force a partner to change is wrong.

Some suggestions once you both understand the real underlying problems and work on removing it.

First any woman who wants sex a couple of times a week should not think of herself as having no sex drive. You do have a sex drive! And for many men it might be too high of a sex drive. As David Schnarch has said in his book the Crucible and to some extent in Desire and Intimacy, there is no right or wrong amount of sex in a marriage. Just like there is not right or wrong number of children, or right or wrong number of times a couple has chocolate ice cream after a dinner a week. The amount and frequency of sex between a couple is a negotiate amount that satisfies both parties needs. Just like the amount of watching football on Sunday each week changed over the course of a marriage, the amount of sex each week changes. In my marriage, I want sex three times a week, my wife wants sex once a week and we compromise at twice a week. that small difference in wansts lead to lots of fights and resentment. That compromise on twice a week was very difficult to achieve and required a great marriage counselor and sex therapist to arrive at. As we age, that compromise will also need to change over time. We have been married over 50 years and are in our 70's.

First, you say that you have hormone swings. Talk to your doctor and get to the bottom of that or at least understand what is causing it. See if there is anything he can do to help you with those swings. See if they are predictable or can be moderated by sleep, diet or exercise. Make sure that your husband understands that some of your reluctance is biological and see if the two of you can work with either medication or the swings. Your husband probably doesn't understand his "hot and cold" wife of his and just wants the "hot" wife. I know that if my wife were "hot and cold" I would find it very difficult to accept the cold times if I didn't understand that she had no control of the cold times. It would take a lot to understand that she was not doing it on purpose. Even then, I would hope we could figure out a way turn some of the cold times into a sexual or "near-sexual" experience.

If you really get turned on to the extreme at times, then let him know when you are "in heat" and initiate at those times. Make those times "extra special" for him. Make them times that are treats he looks forward to. Maybe arrange for a *surprise* baby sitter or sleep over for your kids and/or book a hotel room, have him take you to dinner and then you F-his brains out, before the two of you come home and become parents again. 

Also, if your fear of initiating is really that the kids will walk in, there are options you can explore. Why not put you hand on his thigh while on the couch and tell him that if he wants more he has to turn the TV off and take you to bed. Then play with your hand on his thigh or use your hand to be more direct, until he understands and the two of you go to bed. Make sure you have a lock on your bedroom door. That is initiation.

Figure out how the two of you can get a better bed so you can sleep together, if it is important to you. I would wager it is important to your marriage. In fact I would wager that if is causing a lack of sensual touch your H needs. It is also likely causing part of your feeling that the only time the two of you touch is to have sex.

Now as to his feeling you are no longer affectionate. In working with our sex therapist, we did Sensate Focus exercises to relearn the difference between sensual touch and sexual touch. You say you feel grouped. Perhaps both of you need to learn more about sensual touch and how it differs from sexual touch. They are both very important. You might want to read Sue Johnson's book Hold Me Tight, which explains how important touch is to all mammals. What you attribute to your husbands need for sex, might partially be a need to sensual touch. I know that is part of the conflict my wife and I had. Most couples when they date first experience sensual touch before they explore sexual touch. However, often times the pressure of parenting and life, cuts down on the amount of "us-time" and sensual touch is often dropped.

Finally, if you are overwhelmed by your husbands need for sex, perhaps there are things you can learn to do that will satisfy his needs for sex, that you can do. For example, after you have reached your limit on PIV sex, maybe you can give him handjobs, bj's, tit-jobs or do other things so that he will have the "sex" (his definition) he wants/needs without exceeding the "sex" (your definition) you can handle. There are also masturbation sleeves (flesh light, etc.) you can use with your H that may satisfy some of his needs if what he needs is more sex (his definition). Sometimes you could get on all 4's, hold a fleshlight between your thighs and let him have the illusion of doggy style sex. Sometimes the illusion may be enough to keep you husband happy. Perhaps scheduling different things for different days (when you hormone levels are low) might be a way of coming up with a compromise that both of you can live with. 

There are even ways to turn "no sex" into a "sex-like" experience. Look up tease and denial. Look up chastity games. Look up role playing games where the two of you pretend to be young virgins willing to do "everything but." What you may view as his wanting sex is his feeling that sometimes when your hormones are low that he just needs to feel sexually desired as his confidence in himself is low.

Good luck, I think that you and your husband have a lot to talk about and work through. If you can't easily work through it, then you should be able to get some help from a marriage counselor or sex therapist.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> There are even ways to turn "no sex" into a "sex-like" experience. Look up tease and denial. Look up chastity games. Look up role playing games where the two of you pretend to be young virgins willing to do "everything but." What you may view as his wanting sex is his feeling that sometimes when your hormones are low that he just needs to feel sexually desired as his confidence in himself is low.


That can be a good idea, but that can also exacerbate the issues by making him even more insatiable for wanting it even more by ramping up his desire and hormones even more. 

She can also do the opposite by initiating sex fast and furious before he even has a chance to get aroused to enjoy it and force him to orgasm quick. This in turn will tend to eat away at his desire, calm him down, and possibly make enjoying nonsexual intimacy more workable afterwards. 

As for him sleeping on the couch, she needs to work out a situation where he has a bed. My wife and I sleep in separate beds as we have different sleeping schedules. I tend to go to bed early and wake up early. She tends to be a night owl and sleep late. We both snore and that interferes with what sleep we do get when we do share a bed. We do however spend a lot of time together snuggling before one of us goes to sleep. I will go get her or she will come and get me for a back rub and snuggles. After many years we have worked it out to where we do not have sex around bedtime, because she is tired and nonresponsive. So that is the time we both use nonsexual intimacy to help each other wind down and relax before going to sleep. We tend to reserve mid day for sex and enjoy that time together during our lunch breaks. At that time she is awake and has lots of energy to enjoy the moment. 

Another important thing for the OP is that she and her husband need to work on nonsexual intimacy in the form of touching to help each other relax and destress. For me that works best facing away from my wife while she gives me a back rub from behind. Or she faces away from me while I give her a back rub, but I do tend to pull her pants down and start rubbing her butt as well (uh oh!).


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

LosingHim said:


> He’s not a physically affectionate guy, I mean, he’ll walk up and hug me from behind, but it always comes with a grope. It’s never just a hug. It’s not that I don’t like sexy touching too, I just wish I could get a hug that didn’t always come with a grope if that makes sense.


Ugh… If you can drag him into a therapist they can explain all this to him maybe in a way where he’ll absorb it.



LosingHim said:


> Ive told him numerous times to buy whatever bed he wants. He’s had multiple surgeries and our bed is too soft. He said he needs something firm. I’d just buy one but I don’t know what he wants/needs other than firm. I’d rather him pick what he needs. I’ve brought it up a ton of times, he just never seems to buy one. Just says he’s looking.


Plan a lunch or something next to a Sleep Number showroom. They’ll get him on a mattress and those go from extremely hard to mushy soft just by adjusting the air pressure below the top.

We had a ~10 year old $7000 mattress that was blown out and hurting my wife’s back. Her sleep number is around 70 and mine is 40. So I like my side of the bed way softer than she does. To be honest I never even noticed there are two different “softness” on our bed which is a cal king.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

LosingHim said:


> Hes 37. I actually get ready in the nude all the time (when the kids are home the door is shut, if they aren’t home I walk around the house nude) He used to always take advantage of that, sneak off to the bedroom or come in the bathroom and shut the door. Now he’ll walk by and grab by butt or something, but that’s it. Because he wants me to initiate.


Sure seems like your husband is messing up bigtime with his entitled behavior. It is clear from what you write that your resentment is building. Maybe he has such a high opinion of himself that he figures he can behave however he likes and you will just deal with it.

The sleeping apart is a big flag, not sure what it signifies. Heck, could put his bed next to yours in one bedroom if he is too cheap to buy a new one. Or put a piece of plywood under mattress pon his side if bed.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Do you really love this guy? He pressurises you into sex all the time, he ignores your needs and your requests, he does nothing around the house and with the kids and he's had lengthy affairs? Wow, just wow... I'm just amazed.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

LosingHim said:


> Hes 37. I actually get ready in the nude all the time (when the kids are home the door is shut, if they aren’t home I walk around the house nude) He used to always take advantage of that, sneak off to the bedroom or come in the bathroom and shut the door. Now he’ll walk by and grab by butt or something, but that’s it. Because he wants me to initiate.


Walking around nude, at the right time *IS* initiating.

What's the dang deal?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Maybe the conversation you should be having is that is actually IS him.

Daily sex at your age is way out of the norm. Not sleeping with your wife is out of the norm. Not expecting any build-up, just a "let's go" attitude might not be out of the norm, but it is inconsiderate and self defeating. Not being willing to go to the bedroom to avoid the children is, well, just stupid. Expecting you to initiate when you're already sexually saturated is to completely fail to understand your spouse.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

So, I apologize for this minor thread Jack. You’ve started a few of your threads out with “you all know my story”.

you’ve been a member since 2015 and your earliest thread is 2017. I think it has something to do with TAM. are there some threads of yours that are hidden or something? I’ve gathered that your husband cheated on you maybe sometime around 2015? It is hard to put together with your threads (for me. Maybe others have no issues). Can you link to a thread or other area that describes your backstory? I’d like to add in my thoughts on your question here, but it feels odd not knowing your complete back story if that makes any sense. 

My wife and I are of similar age to you and at times have the same issues you are describing.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

LosingHim said:


> He does work and he takes care of the yard and the pool. Except where we live, that’s only from May to October-ish. So those other months, he doesn’t really do much around the house, never has. And yes, he had a lengthy affair. I haven’t been one of those women that ever gave him a “cold” period afterwards though. If anything, we had the hysterical bonding period that lasted a really long time. I’ve never stopped desiring him, I can look at him and still think he’s the hottest man I’ve seen. It’s just like I don’t have the motor running anymore unless I’m warmed up first. I just don’t think about it. He’s not a physically affectionate guy, I mean, he’ll walk up and hug me from behind, but it always comes with a grope. It’s never just a hug. It’s not that I don’t like sexy touching too, I just wish I could get a hug that didn’t always come with a grope if that makes sense.
> 
> And it’s not that he’s just another thing to do. It’s just that some evenings, it’s just TOO much. Wake up, get the kid to school, coordinate stuff with the other two kids who are older (if they need something they call me, not him - I’m the default parent), my work is incredibly stressful, come home, cook dinner, do dishes, etc, a lot of times I don’t sit down until 8pm. So sometimes it does just feel like another thing I have to do if _I_ have to initiate. I’m perfectly fine if he wants to initiate and rarely ever say no, it’s just feels like another thing _I_ have to do when I already feel exhausted.


Not that I advocate doing chores to increase a woman's libido or attraction but I do believe men need to actually take care of what's needed because it needs doing?!

He doesn't seem to be doing a hell of a lot from this description.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

DudeInProgress said:


> 1. Get a new bed. For the sake of your general marital intimacy, I’d start there. Sharing a bed is important for sexual and non-sexual intimacy.
> 
> 2. write all of this out to him in a letter. Explain that you love him, are in love with him, are attracted to him and desire him, and that you want and enjoy sex with him - just not as often as he does.
> 
> ...


Ive told him several times to buy a new mattress. We have the money so that’s not an issue. I most likely won’t spring for a sleep number, but a regular mattress would be fine. I can pretty much sleep on whatever. I’ve sent him links, had him go look at things. I just can’t pick the mattress because I’m not the one that needs something specific. I’ve thought about just buying one, but if I do and it’s not right it’s justa waste of $1000 and I feel like it would really bother me if he still didn’t sleep in bed with me. I already hate it.

Ive written all of this to him. I’ve explained it more than I can count. I’ve explained the hormones. (I’m on medication to correct them) I’ve explained I need affection. I’ve explained I don’t feel the most attractive anymore which has an effect on my drive too (who wants to be sexy when they don’t FEEL sexy). I’ve tried initiating but it’s never often enough. I send sexy texts. I sent him a random naked photo yesterday and I got hearts back, but nothing else. I don’t mind being groped, oftentimes I’ll push back into him, but I need love that feels like love at times too.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

LATERILUS79 said:


> So, I apologize for this minor thread Jack. You’ve started a few of your threads out with “you all know my story”.
> 
> you’ve been a member since 2015 and your earliest thread is 2017. I think it has something to do with TAM. are there some threads of yours that are hidden or something? I’ve gathered that your husband cheated on you maybe sometime around 2015? It is hard to put together with your threads (for me. Maybe others have no issues). Can you link to a thread or other area that describes your backstory? I’d like to add in my thoughts on your question here, but it feels odd not knowing your complete back story if that makes any sense.
> 
> My wife and I are of similar age to you and at times have the same issues you are describing.


My original thread was deleted. There was an issue here a few years ago where someone was identifying people “in real life” and it was hundreds of pages of very personal stuff.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Rus47 said:


> Sure seems like your husband is messing up bigtime with his entitled behavior. It is clear from what you write that your resentment is building. Maybe he has such a high opinion of himself that he figures he can behave however he likes and you will just deal with it.
> 
> The sleeping apart is a big flag, not sure what it signifies. Heck, could put his bed next to yours in one bedroom if he is too cheap to buy a new one. Or put a piece of plywood under mattress pon his side if bed.


I do have some resentment. But it’s mostly resentment of life in general. I’m the default parent - the kids come to me for everything. And I love them and I’m close to all of them and love that I’m the first person they think of when they need someone. But at the same time, it’s exhausting. They’ll text me to ask me something that has to do with him. For instance they’ll text me “what time will dad be home?” Instead of just texting him. It’s way deeper than that, but I’m sure you know what I mean. My mom is losing her memory, I have to constantly deal with making sure she knows what’s going on (dads in denial). My sister is an alcoholic and it’s totally ruined the family dynamic and every time she ****s up I get a call from my mom trying to get me to fix it. I had a huge promotion dumped in my lap at work (I say promotion lightly, I’m still waiting on my increase in pay - since July) but my responsibilities went from semi stressful to stressful from the second I walk in the door until I leave. I volunteer 10 hours a week and fundraise. That’s before I even start anything at home. I’m just exhausted, I’m tired of always being the one that has to handle everything, in every facet of life. Pushing the one to be the initiator on me is just another “responsibility” I don’t need or often have the energy for. In addition to my body betraying me and all but taking every bit of drive I DID have.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

LH:

I'm sorry you find yourself here.

Simply put, your husband is, and always has been, concerned about himself, with little regard for you except what you can do for him. 

Time and time again, this is what he has shown you through his actions.

It won't change, despite your hope (and often times denial) that it would be different. 

The sooner you accept this reality, the sooner you can begin to take action.

Until then, you will continue to battle with yourself over the selfishness of J, and how it affects you. 



Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

LosingHim said:


> Ive told him several times to buy a new mattress. We have the money so that’s not an issue. I most likely won’t spring for a sleep number, but a regular mattress would be fine. I can pretty much sleep on whatever. I’ve sent him links, had him go look at things. I just can’t pick the mattress because I’m not the one that needs something specific. I’ve thought about just buying one, but if I do and it’s not right it’s justa waste of $1000 and I feel like it would really bother me if he still didn’t sleep in bed with me. I already hate it.
> 
> Ive written all of this to him. I’ve explained it more than I can count. I’ve explained the hormones. (I’m on medication to correct them) I’ve explained I need affection. I’ve explained I don’t feel the most attractive anymore which has an effect on my drive too (who wants to be sexy when they don’t FEEL sexy). I’ve tried initiating but it’s never often enough. I send sexy texts. I sent him a random naked photo yesterday and I got hearts back, but nothing else. I don’t mind being groped, oftentimes I’ll push back into him, but I need love that feels like love at times too.


so, I don’t know your alls entire story, but from what I gather, you are doing everything correct here. My wife and I are 42. We’ve recently gotten over a dead bedroom (her LD and me HD). I’m very much in the same realm as your husband of wanting it every day.

the compromise my wife and I have is 4-5 times a week, but in all honesty, it’s been very robotic for the most part ever since we had about a 5 month HB period last year. I get where your husband wants more initiation. I think a lot of guys want to “feel” desired. I want that too. My wife comes to me and asks for my consent verbally (this is what she considers initiating). I absolutely hate this. I want to be touched. I want a picture sent to me. I don’t want to go to the bedroom, strip then get at it. I can do it, but it is so…. Meh. These actions do not make me feel desired.

your situation…. I don’t know what to say here. You are doing many sexy things that would grab my attention immediately if my wife did them. I do my part around the house and with the kids. Sounds like your husband does not. I think he is asking quite a bit here from you. Doesn’t sound like there is anything that would make him happy.

lastly, he cheated on you. I don’t know what that feels like and I don’t know your dynamic with him since that happened. You’ve obviously gone through some reconciliation. There’s only one thing worse than a dead bedroom in my opinion and that is cheating. I don’t understand how it can be forgiven, but kudos to you and the rest that can get past it. In my humble opinion, he has no room to ask for anything let alone all the big asks he is making right now.

you do seem concerned though that you want to please him. Maybe I missed it, but have you asked him specifically how he wants you to initiate? Have you discussed a compromised number of times per week that is in between how much you and he wants?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I am not sure if I remember this correctly, but your husband sleeps on the couch because the bed bothers his back....

I am calling BS on that one. Yes it may be true that sleeping on a certain mattress can cause back pain, but a couch will not help that. The quality of sleep on a couch is not going to be as good as sleeping on a bed. I honestly think your husband is just using back pain as a non-confrontational excuse to sleep apart. This is why he is not motivated to buy a new mattress! 

The question to ask is why would your husband want to sleep apart from you? Odds are the couch comes with a TV and he watches that until he falls asleep. Or perhaps he is up doing other nocturnal activities (aka masturbating) in privacy without the risk of you waking up. Both of those things are escape mechanisms to get away from stress. 

I would suggest that you claim that him sleeping on the couch is starting to cause some residual body odor in that area (even if it is not true). Inform him that sleeping on the bed is better because sheets and mattress pads can be washed and replaced easier than couch cushions. Most folks are immune to their own smells, so this will reduce his comfort level of continued sleep on the couch. The purpose of this is to help root out the true reason he wants to sleep separately. 

Find a way to rework the house so that there can be his and her bedrooms. This can lend itself to you each spending time together with some privacy while at the same time allowing for more personal space in the marriage in the event that is the dynamic driving separate sleeping spots. 

For the kids, you don't have to label it as separate bedrooms but more as an office area or work space for you husband (that happens to have sleeping accommodations for when he is up late). Rework the house to make that happen. 

Many three bedroom houses have a floor plan where two bedrooms connect a common bedroom. My wife and I use this as a two-bedroom-master suite type of arrangement. We often go to each other's bedroom to spend time together while we each still have privacy and personal space. Meanwhile the master bedroom is converted into a huge work studio/office. Our kids are old enough to be off at college so the bonus room is the extra bedroom for when one of them is home. When both kids are home one has to sleep on the pull out couch which is usually very temporary as our son goes to college far away and also has a job that is almost full time. 

My point being is that you need to get to the real reason why he sleeps separately and then be supportive of that in a way that lends itself to a better marriage situation in the house.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

badsanta said:


> I am not sure if I remember this correctly, but your husband sleeps on the couch because the bed bothers his back....
> 
> I am calling BS on that one. Yes it may be true that sleeping on a certain mattress can cause back pain, but a couch will not help that. The quality of sleep on a couch is not going to be as good as sleeping on a bed. I honestly think your husband is just using back pain as a non-confrontational excuse to sleep apart. This is why he is not motivated to buy a new mattress!
> 
> ...


The back thing is real. He actually just had an appointment with a neurosurgeon today to revisit another surgery due to not healing how it was supposed to. He’s actually moved to a second couch because the first one was getting too worn out. My oldest daughter has moved out (college) so the middle child took her room, which does leave a vacant room right across from the master bedroom. I actually have started making it into a spare for when my daughter comes home (but it’s only very rarely she comes home) and suggested to him he at least sleep in there on an actual bed. That was roughly 2 weeks ago and he’s still sleeping on the couch. I don’t necessarily doubt that the couch makes his back feel better. When we travel (which is often) he’ll make comments on how comfortable the hotel or Airbnb bed is. If it hurts his back, he says so. If it doesn’t, he’ll say so too. He really liked the bed in the Airbnb we stayed in August and I’ve suggested he buy that mattress, but of course, no traction on that. I even had an entire romantic weekend away planned where I rented a cabin in the woods the first weekend in December, hot tub, the whole 9. He made comments that he hoped the bed was comfortable and didn’t hurt his back. Unfortunately, I ended up getting covid 2 days before we were supposed to leave so of course it got cancelled. I don’t doubt that our bed hurts his back, but I do think he’s putting zero effort into getting back into bed with me.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

LosingHim said:


> I do have some resentment. But it’s mostly resentment of life in general. I’m the default parent - the kids come to me for everything. And I love them and I’m close to all of them and love that I’m the first person they think of when they need someone. But at the same time, it’s exhausting. They’ll text me to ask me something that has to do with him. For instance they’ll text me “what time will dad be home?” Instead of just texting him. It’s way deeper than that, but I’m sure you know what I mean. My mom is losing her memory, I have to constantly deal with making sure she knows what’s going on (dads in denial). My sister is an alcoholic and it’s totally ruined the family dynamic and every time she ****s up I get a call from my mom trying to get me to fix it. I had a huge promotion dumped in my lap at work (I say promotion lightly, I’m still waiting on my increase in pay - since July) but my responsibilities went from semi stressful to stressful from the second I walk in the door until I leave. I volunteer 10 hours a week and fundraise. That’s before I even start anything at home. I’m just exhausted, I’m tired of always being the one that has to handle everything, in every facet of life. Pushing the one to be the initiator on me is just another “responsibility” I don’t need or often have the energy for. In addition to my body betraying me and all but taking every bit of drive I DID have.


Let me summarize what conclude from what have read:

Your husband is six years younger than you, and cheated on you several years ago, for how long and other details are lost to the deleted thread from back then. You forgave and "reconciled". He learned that you will tolerate anything so long as he stays married to you. What happened to his AP? Is she still in orbit? Are there perhaps other women online or inline that you know nothing of.

You are basically the "adult in the room", the responsible person keeping the house and family functioning. He does whatever he wants and nothing else. 

You have a lot of stress in your life, your husband being only part of it. He couldn't care less about your stress because he is "living the dream". He not only doesn't initiate anymore, he doesn't even sleep with you. Anything you receive from him he makes you work overtime for. You will receive attention from him on HIS terms, and don't you forget it.

It is too bad there isn't a book for women called "No More Mrs. Nice Girl" for you to read, because your husband obviously doesn't appreciate the treasure you actually are. His behavior is that touted by the SMV calculators, believing he is a gift to women, and you had better appreciate it. Maybe he is. For sure he is the polar opposite of a "Nice Guy", exactly what the "experts" say ALL women expect in the ideal husband. So far you are confirming his belief that he is the ideal husband. It wouldn't surprise if you have a competitor or competitors that are confirming his view of himself as well.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

The simple fact he won't buy a bed that suits you both so you can sleep together says it all. 

Something deeper is going on. You may just have to leave him.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Maybe he uses couch time to message others on his phone


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

LosingHim said:


> The back thing is real.


Back pain can cause some serious destress and low quality of life. Depending on how much it hurts, he may be willing to do just about anything to guard it from getting worse. If a couch has helped, he very well may be marooned on the couch indefinitely. The prospect of purchasing a mattress may seem like a gamble if he is unsure it will even help. 

OK, that aside.... for those suffering with back pain, probably the number one thing you can do all on your own is stretches and exercise that rebuilds core muscles (to help support one's back) as advised by a doctor. Do you know if the doctor has recommended any certain stretches or exercise that you see him doing regularly? Many of these would probably benefit from you holding and helping him stretch his legs (based on instructions from a doctor). Is he asking you to help him with any stretching? 

If not and he is just laying around all the time complaining about his back, then I call BS. Yes his back likely hurts, but without exercise and stretching his core muscles will weaken and he will become stiff which is a recipe for a bad back!


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> The simple fact he won't buy a bed that suits you both so you can sleep together says it all.
> 
> Something deeper is going on. You may just have to leave him.


I'm kind of thinking something similar. The fact he is a cheater and he is playing these games makes me think you shouldn't be surprised to find out he is up to no good again sometime in the future. 

Men wanting their wives to initiate is a a very common thing. A lot of guys feel like they are only getting pity sex if they always have to initiate. You can tell them you enjoy it and got really turned on during but for whatever reason they feel like you don't desire them when you don't initiate. 

Take him mattress shopping so he starts sleeping with you if he will.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

A queen c2 model at SleepNumber works very well, provides different settings for each side, and runs about $900 on sale without a base. IMHO, the various and expensive upgrades are not necessary to achieve something quite comfortable.

Better chance of working well for you both than a single mattress.

Seems the bed is not the real issue, but “fixing” the bed issue gets you one layer closer to the core. Of course, unilateral action will fail if one of you doesn’t really want to “fix” the mattress problem.

It’s helps to inflate both sides to the same high number during sexy time though. That wasn’t in the owners manual!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

PieceOfSky said:


> It’s helps to inflate both sides to the same high number during sexy time though. That wasn’t in the owners manual!


OMG that sounds like the perfect prank phone call to the manufacturer! I enjoy a local radio station that would do exactly that live on the air. One of the male hosts pretends to be a 90 year old lady with twelve lovely grandchildren. He would have a field day with that one!


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Your husband is an ass, selfish, a cheater & thinks the world revolves around himself. You know all this, but continue to put up with him. Come back here every few months to update ab his latest selfish endeavors. When are you going to actually think ab what is right for you & your children rather than trying to appease a narcissist that doesn’t give a rat’s ass ab anyone but himself? You should he exhausted. Why do u continue to stay with him? How does he improve your life or the life of your children??


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

happyhusband0005 said:


> I'm kind of thinking something similar. The fact he is a cheater and he is playing these games makes me think you *shouldn't be surprised to find out he is up to no good agai*n sometime in the future.
> 
> *Men wanting their wives to initiate is a a very common thing. A lot of guys feel like they are only getting pity sex if they always have to initiate. *You can tell them you enjoy it and got really turned on during but for whatever reason they feel like you don't desire them when you don't initiate.
> 
> Take him mattress shopping so he starts sleeping with you if he will.


I would bet he is up to no good right now.

This "initiation" thing is maybe a big deal with "a lot of guys", it is a foreign concept for me. OP does all of the work and now her cheating husband expects her to chase him?!? The extent of my wife's "initiation" is something like wandering into my office, putting arms around my neck, whispering in my ear "do you want to go lay down?". Or coming to bed wearing only her birthday suit. Works fine for me. NEVER thought of it as her taking pity on me. For crying out loud, for a male, initiation is part of the wiring. We aren't going to be all butt hurt about being expected to be the agressor. I have never seen a doe initiating with a buck. Instead she will run him ragged, and if he doesn't chase, there are plenty of other bucks who will.

OP's husband has a wife parading around the house naked among other things strikes me as very strong strong initiation, especially given he is a cheater. Surprising she is still with him. He must really be a prize. I would suspect that he expectations are being shaped by someone other than the OP, maybe virtually, maybe porn actresses, maybe IRL.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Yes, LH's husband is a real piece of work. But, y'all aren't getting the whole story. She got exactly what she went out of her way to get and really doesn't want any advice. She only comes to vent.

LH, I know you don't want and won't take any advice. Here is some anyway - stop the volunteering for your own health.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> Yes, LH's husband is a real piece of work. But, y'all aren't getting the whole story. She got exactly what she went out of her way to get and really doesn't want any advice. She only comes to vent.
> 
> LH, I know you don't want and won't take any advice. Here is some anyway - stop the volunteering for your own health.


I don't know OP's full story, it was before my time. Didn't she cheat also? I've commented on a few of her threads, but I agree, she won't take any advice and she'll be venting about her husband 10 years from now. It's a shame because I don't view her as "stuck". She has a good job, kids are older and she should have options.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

LosingHim said:


> Many have seen my story I’m sure. But regardless, I’m still incredibly attracted to my husband.
> 
> I just have no sex drive. Or at least nowhere near what it used to be.
> 
> ...


Not him? WTH are you talking about? It is ALL him. You are basically running the house on your own, taking care of the kids on your own AND you are filling the role of his sex doll. Now he wants a "smart" sex doll that starts thing up. He is truly living the life. No worries other than going to work and occasional yard work, doesn't have to mess with all that mushy, touchy-feely intimacy stuff, just wham bam thank you mam, see you later. On top of that he isn't loyal to you, probably had more affairs than you know and he is most definitely jerking it on the couch. If you are okay being a piece of meat then sure, stick it out. 

Can you name 3 things that make him a good husband? And 3 things that make him a good dad?


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> I don't know OP's full story, it was before my time. Didn't she cheat also? I've commented on a few of her threads, but I agree, she won't take any advice and she'll be venting about her husband 10 years from now. It's a shame because I don't view her as "stuck". She has a good job, kids are older and she should have options.


Ok, I've been wondering the same thing. Before my time and I swear I saw in bits and pieces in other threads this was a madhatter situation.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> Yes, LH's husband is a real piece of work. But, y'all aren't getting the whole story. She got exactly what she went out of her way to get and really doesn't want any advice. She only comes to vent.
> 
> LH, I know you don't want and won't take any advice. Here is some anyway - stop the volunteering for your own health.


No I did want advice, which is why I posted it in a specific forum, especially one thats generally answered by the male persuasion, because there isn’t a man I know in real life it would be appropriate to ask this question of without crossing boundaries, nor do I really have anyone in real life I can talk to about this outside of my BFF but she’s more the type to empathize, not really get to the meat of what something is. Not to mention the embarrassment that comes along in real life of talking to someone face to face about your sex life and all the stuff attached to it.

I didn’t come here to vent, I gave information about the current situation I was trying to address and fix, hoping all the “other stuff” didn’t really matter. But it always goes back to that, probably always will. That’s life I guess. I was hoping for input on this particular piece of my life, but it’ll always be what it is. My husbands a jerk and I’m an idiot for staying.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

LosingHim said:


> No I did want advice, which is why I posted it in a specific forum, especially one thats generally answered by the male persuasion, because there isn’t a man I know in real life it would be appropriate to ask this question of without crossing boundaries, nor do I really have anyone in real life I can talk to about this outside of my BFF but she’s more the type to empathize, not really get to the meat of what something is. Not to mention the embarrassment that comes along in real life of talking to someone face to face about your sex life and all the stuff attached to it.
> 
> I didn’t come here to vent, I gave information about the current situation I was trying to address and fix, hoping all the “other stuff” didn’t really matter. But it always goes back to that, probably always will. That’s life I guess. I was hoping for input on this particular piece of my life, but it’ll always be what it is. My husbands a jerk and I’m an idiot for staying.


So, stop the volunteering and that will give you some time to rest and maybe then you can find a way to entice your husband into the bedroom. Also, you can call that place that had the bed your husband liked and get the brand name and shop around. Of course, you already knew this.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> So, stop the volunteering and that will give you some time to rest and maybe then you can find a way to entice your husband into the bedroom. Also, you can call that place that had the bed your husband liked and get the brand name and shop around. Of course, you already knew this.


I vote for passive aggressive solutions. The OP should gradually install shims under the back legs of the couch. This way her husband gradually feels more and more like he is going to roll off into the floor as he tosses and turns each night.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

LosingHim said:


> No I did want advice, which is why I posted it in a specific forum, especially one thats generally answered by the male persuasion, because there isn’t a man I know in real life it would be appropriate to ask this question of without crossing boundaries, nor do I really have anyone in real life I can talk to about this outside of my BFF but she’s more the type to empathize, not really get to the meat of what something is. Not to mention the embarrassment that comes along in real life of talking to someone face to face about your sex life and all the stuff attached to it.
> 
> I didn’t come here to vent, I gave information about the current situation I was trying to address and fix, hoping all the “other stuff” didn’t really matter. But it always goes back to that, probably always will. That’s life I guess. I was hoping for input on this particular piece of my life, but it’ll always be what it is. My husbands a jerk and I’m an idiot for staying.


At the risk of being seriously flamed, I'm gonna comment again here since you've now said that *you are actually looking for advice.*

Did you cheat on your husband and did you do it first? If not, then anything I say past this sentence is null and void and I seriously apologize for bringing it up (There are many of us that do not know your story other than small bits and pieces).

If what I said is true in my previous sentence, I can understand what your husband is doing..... but I don't condone it (the passive aggressiveness). If I were to ever discover that my wife has cheated on me, I would be HARSH if she wanted to reconcile. I know me. I know other men like me. The only difference between your husband and myself is that I wouldn't be passive aggressive about it. I would be ACTIVELY aggressive. I would be broken. I would be broken forever. Straight up. No coming back from that. I would tell her exactly what I would be doing. I would be COLD. I truly envy the people here that pull themselves out of these situations. Nothing but respect for people that find their way back to being good people. I would not be. All "goodness" left in me would be dead. The rules I would come up with? It wouldn't be worth it for my wife to stay with me if I were to catch her cheating. After saying such rules, I would actively tell her, "This isn't worth it. It is time to give up. It is time for us to go our separate ways. Stop trying to get back with me. Give up. I want you to give up.". I know this is harsh, but I'm just calling it how I see it. I would feel the same way for a woman that has been cheated on as well. I think any woman that has been cheated on should give seriously harsh rules to a husband that is the cheater.

This is just me - and I know a lot of men like myself. I am wondering if your husband is the same way - but is being passive aggressive about it. You said you are an idiot for staying. I don't think you are an idiot. I think you are someone that is in love with her husband - which is fair. I'm just curious if your husband is being passive aggressive about moving forward with you. I'm wondering if his actions are telling you to "give up" and move on. 

I would never advise people to be like me or for people to treat others the way your husband is treating you. It isn't right. I'm simply offering up what could possibly be going on here and that there are people out there that will not recover from a situation like this. Ever. If that is your case, I think it is time to give up for your own sanity. 

Again, if I'm wrong about your story, I sincerely apologize. I don't know your full story, but I thought I read somewhere that you had cheated on your husband as well.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

LATERILUS79 said:


> At the risk of being seriously flamed, I'm gonna comment again here since you've now said that *you are actually looking for advice.*
> 
> Did you cheat on your husband and did you do it first? If not, then anything I say past this sentence is null and void and I seriously apologize for bringing it up (There are many of us that do not know your story other than small bits and pieces).
> 
> ...


Her husband was having at least an emotional affair for the first 9 years of their marriage. He said he was just talking to his Ex, but that is pretty hard to believe. She got drunk a few years ago and gave a friend of his a BJ for about 30 seconds (or so she says). Some time after that he definitely went physical with his Ex. Total **** show.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Can a mod please delete this thread? I wanted help on a specific issue. Not a trip down memory lane from something I’ve just recently stopped triggering from. I’m a POS, my husbands a POS, we’re a total **** show.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

LosingHim said:


> Can a mod please delete this thread? I wanted help on a specific issue. Not a trip down memory lane from something I’ve just recently stopped triggering from. I’m a POS, my husbands a POS, we’re a total **** show.


LOL, not what you wanted to hear. The truth can be painful sometimes. I'm not in your shoes, so I don't have every detail, but surely you recognize how messed up your relationship appears to be based on what you post here, no?

You're hellbent on staying, so I'll try to give some solid advice forgetting about the **** show for a moment. 

First and foremost, get your husband back into bed so you are more than just a vessel for him to get off in. Once you complete just that one thing, come back and ask again. If you can do that it will demonstrate that both you and your husband are actually willing to do something. 

In the mean time you *AND* your husband should read some of this:









Responsive vs spontaneous desire - Uncovering Intimacy


Yesterday I wrote about arousal non-concordance and how sometimes our body’s arousal doesn’t match up with our mind’s arousal. How it can be that your mind might want sex, but your body isn’t ready. Or the opposite can happen. Unfortunately, this confuses a lot of women




www.uncoveringintimacy.com












Why am I always the one who has to initiate sex? - Uncovering Intimacy


Why do I always have to initiate sex? Have you ever asked yourself that question? Or maybe your spouse has asked you. Either way, this might help.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com












Why lower-drive spouses should initiate sex - Uncovering Intimacy


Alright, we all know that your spouse would love it if you'd initiate sex more as a low-drive spouse. But I think there's a more important reason to.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com












How Do I Get My Husband To Be More Creative When Initiating Sex? - Uncovering Intimacy


Wondering how to get your husband to be more creative in the bedroom? This is how.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

I apologize for triggering you. Not my intent. I'm trying to answer your question.

This was your first sentence of your original post.

*Many have seen my story I’m sure. But regardless, I’m still incredibly attracted to my husband.*

So it sounds like you are conceding that your past has an effect on your current situation, correct? As such, would it not make sense that it is the root cause to the problem you discuss in this thread? It sounds like your husband treats you like trash and he does it in a passive aggressive way. I apologize for the stupid question here, but have you asked him straight up if all of his actions right now are due to your past? Have you asked him if it is possible for you guys to get better? Have you asked him if he is always going to harbor resentment towards you and treat you horribly now due to your past? If so, is it worth it to you to continue to struggle through his resentment? 

It sounds like you need to get the root cause of your issues out in the open before addressing the problem you have in this thread.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

BigDaddyNY said:


> LOL, not what you wanted to hear. The truth can be painful sometimes. I'm not in your shoes, so I don't have every detail, but surely you recognize how messed up your relationship appears to be based on what you post here, no?
> 
> You're hellbent on staying, so I'll try to give some solid advice forgetting about the **** show for a moment.
> 
> ...


It’s not that it’s not what I wanted to hear. It’s that my husbands affair ended 3 years ago. It went on for 5 years prior to that. So for 8 years I’ve lived it. That doesn’t include the EA prior to the physical part. There isn’t a single day I don’t think about it. I did what I did 8 years ago. I’ve accepted what I’ve done. And there isn’t a day that I don’t kick myself for being a POS too. I was stuck for years in the depression of what I did. Which I know I deserved that depression. But I’ve started to climb out of a lot of that. It all isn’t my focus 24/7/365 anymore. It’s still there, but it’s not my overwhelming thought anymore. So no, it’s not about not being what I want to hear, but all about not wanting to go back to a place where I was stuck for so long.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

LosingHim said:


> It’s not that it’s not what I wanted to hear. It’s that my husbands affair ended 3 years ago. It went on for 5 years prior to that. So for 8 years I’ve lived it. That doesn’t include the EA prior to the physical part. There isn’t a single day I don’t think about it. I did what I did 8 years ago. I’ve accepted what I’ve done. And there isn’t a day that I don’t kick myself for being a POS too. I was stuck for years in the depression of what I did. Which I know I deserved that depression. But I’ve started to climb out of a lot of that. It all isn’t my focus 24/7/365 anymore. It’s still there, but it’s not my overwhelming thought anymore. So no, it’s not about not being what I want to hear, but all about not wanting to go back to a place where I was stuck for so long.


Is your husband still stuck there?

I’ve read many of your posts before. You seem like a genuinely nice person who tries her best to be a good person. You’ve clearly been working on making up for past sins. Has your husband done the same, or is he still wallowing in it and thinks you deserve punishment for the remainder of your life?


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

LATERILUS79 said:


> I apologize for triggering you. Not my intent. I'm trying to answer your question.
> 
> This was your first sentence of your original post.
> 
> ...


Yes, I have asked more times than I can count. He had an out. He had a backup plan, he had an entire other relationship he could’ve fallen back on. I was in the process of buying another house, he asked me to stay. I lost thousands. He constantly says he’s happy, that he’d choose us and all the history over anything else in life. He’s had plenty of opportunity. I don’t hide what I feel and I don’t sugar coat anything when I ask. I’ve given him 100 opportunities to walk away peacefully (I’d be hurt, but I would never be nasty to him is what I mean). He’s always chosen to stay. Maybe that’s his way of punishing me.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

LosingHim said:


> Yes, I have asked more times than I can count. He had an out. He had a backup plan, he had an entire other relationship he could’ve fallen back on. I was in the process of buying another house, he asked me to stay. I lost thousands. He constantly says he’s happy, that he’d choose us and all the history over anything else in life. He’s had plenty of opportunity. I don’t hide what I feel and I don’t sugar coat anything when I ask. I’ve given him 100 opportunities to walk away peacefully (I’d be hurt, but I would never be nasty to him is what I mean). He’s always chosen to stay. Maybe that’s his way of punishing me.


then your husbands passive aggressiveness is beyond disgusting and you don’t deserve this treatment. I strongly believe he’s in it to continually punish you but he sounds too weak to say it out loud.
I think he is taking the “easy way” to live his life. I think he is setting up a situation where he can make you feel constantly guilty to do exactly what he wants when he wants it.

I think you should take your situation in this thread (your sex question) to an MC. I think it would help having a 3rd party ask your sex question along with “are you being this way due to past resentment? Are you never going to forgive your wife? Are you acting this way to continually punish her?”


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

LosingHim said:


> _*I pay the bills, I work a ton, I do 99% of the stuff with the kids, my job has become incredibly stressful, I do initiate almost all of thr affection, I do all the cooking, all the grocery shopping, most of the laundry, all the taking care of the dogs, adding being the one to initiate- which he’s now stopped doing because he says he wants to see how long it will take me - just makes it feel like another job I have to take care of.*_



I'll say it.

Why on EARTH do you stay married to this ass-hole? There HAS to be a payoff for clinging to such an ass-hole but I can't figure out what it is. I would have booted his worthless ass out the door YEARS ago. He's nothing more than a damned PARASITE.

I remember reading things you've posted about him over the years and *none* of it has been good. NONE of it.

I don't get it. I just don't *GET* it. Are you co-dependent? I can't figure out why on earth ANY woman would literally become a damned servant to a repulsive pig who doesn't even support the family financially, won't lift a damned finger around the house that HIS lazy ass sits in all day, expects his wife to work full time then do everything ELSE when she comes home, and on top of it, have sex with him twice a day. 

How on earth you don't throw up on him is another thing I don't get. 

Have you seen a mental health professional? I NEVER advise therapy because I think it's a joke, but I'm breaking my own rule, this time.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

LosingHim said:


> Yes, I have asked more times than I can count. He had an out. He had a backup plan, he had an entire other relationship he could’ve fallen back on. I was in the process of buying another house, he asked me to stay. I lost thousands. He constantly says he’s happy, that he’d choose us and all the history over anything else in life. He’s had plenty of opportunity. I don’t hide what I feel and I don’t sugar coat anything when I ask. I’ve given him 100 opportunities to walk away peacefully (I’d be hurt, but I would never be nasty to him is what I mean). He’s always chosen to stay. *Maybe that’s his way of punishing me.*


Think about that last sentence. Do you want to live like this and be punished for the rest of your life? Does a man that does this to you really love you? What are you currently getting out of this marriage?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The past usually influences the present. You’ve always jumped through hoops to please him and you give too much to everyone — especially him. Your husband focuses primarily on himself and what he wants. The two of you work as long as you meet his needs 100% while ignoring most of yours. When you don’t meet his needs exactly the way he wants, he makes sure you know it. He will always be who he is.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Think about that last sentence. Do you want to live like this and be punished for the rest of your life? Does a man that does this to you really love you? What are you currently getting out of this marriage?


To have the info you have, you are here either under a new name or you have been talking behind the curtain with someone in the know. In any event, what is shared in private messages is best left in private messages.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> To have the info you have, you are here either under a new name or you have been talking behind the curtain with someone in the know. In any event, what is shared in private messages is best left in private messages.


Was that post really meant for me? If so, I'm not at all clear on what you are saying.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Was that post really meant for me? If so, I'm not at all clear on what you are saying.


You joined 7 months ago. The details you posted haven't been discussed in that time period IIRC. Maybe, I'm wrong.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> You joined 7 months ago. The details you posted haven't been discussed in that time period IIRC. Maybe, I'm wrong.


I've only read a couple of her other posts and what she has written here. I've never talked to her outside of this thread or PM.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> Yes, I have asked more times than I can count. He had an out. He had a backup plan, he had an entire other relationship he could’ve fallen back on. I was in the process of buying another house, he asked me to stay. I lost thousands. He constantly says he’s happy, that he’d choose us and all the history over anything else in life. He’s had plenty of opportunity. I don’t hide what I feel and I don’t sugar coat anything when I ask. I’ve given him 100 opportunities to walk away peacefully (I’d be hurt, but I would never be nasty to him is what I mean). He’s always chosen to stay. Maybe that’s his way of punishing me.


Some people for whatever reason cannot be the ones to initiate a divorce or break-up. They have to sabotage the relationship so that the other person is the one that ends the marriage. That allows them to convince themself that they are the victim of the other person, who must be evil to do this to them.

Don't enable his bad behavior, unless you want to.

Good luck.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Barbarian mode.

It is your husband.

I won't go too deep into the details but I could have wild, uninhibited sex with a lot of married women who have legitimate problems having sex with their husbands. I'm talking about legitimate aging or medical reasons.

It's obviously not a hard boundary for me, a strange "Chad" who these women will have sex with in a damn car or behind a bush or in a closet so it's very clearly a mental/emotional barrier.

You need to admit that it is your husband and I honestly can't fault you for it. He's a piece of **** according to your account and your lack of a determined sexual pursuit of him is understandable.

You have swallowed a large load of poo to be with him and that has unhealthy repercussions.

You need to come to grips with this real issue and address it.


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## thedude3535 (Nov 17, 2021)

I haven't got through this whole thread yet, so this has probably already been brought up, but.

So he's had a lengthy affair. He barely does anything around the house. Doesn't do much with the kids. You guys sleep in separate rooms. He wants sex far more than you do AND insists YOU initiate.

Meanwhile, you're looking after the house, the kids AND him, don't sit down til 8 most nights and will STILL have sex with him pretty much on-demand should he ask/initiate. But that's not good enough for him?

Honest question - what are you getting out of this marriage?



LosingHim said:


> He does work and he takes care of the yard and the pool. Except where we live, that’s only from May to October-ish. So those other months, he doesn’t really do much around the house, never has. And yes, he had a lengthy affair. I haven’t been one of those women that ever gave him a “cold” period afterwards though. If anything, we had the hysterical bonding period that lasted a really long time. I’ve never stopped desiring him, I can look at him and still think he’s the hottest man I’ve seen. It’s just like I don’t have the motor running anymore unless I’m warmed up first. I just don’t think about it. He’s not a physically affectionate guy, I mean, he’ll walk up and hug me from behind, but it always comes with a grope. It’s never just a hug. It’s not that I don’t like sexy touching too, I just wish I could get a hug that didn’t always come with a grope if that makes sense.
> 
> And it’s not that he’s just another thing to do. It’s just that some evenings, it’s just TOO much. Wake up, get the kid to school, coordinate stuff with the other two kids who are older (if they need something they call me, not him - I’m the default parent), my work is incredibly stressful, come home, cook dinner, do dishes, etc, a lot of times I don’t sit down until 8pm. So sometimes it does just feel like another thing I have to do if _I_ have to initiate. I’m perfectly fine if he wants to initiate and rarely ever say no, it’s just feels like another thing _I_ have to do when I already feel exhausted.


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## thedude3535 (Nov 17, 2021)

LosingHim said:


> I didn’t come here to vent, I gave information about the current situation I was trying to address and fix, hoping all the “other stuff” didn’t really matter. But it always goes back to that, probably always will. That’s life I guess. I was hoping for input on this particular piece of my life, but it’ll always be what it is. My husbands a jerk and I’m an idiot for staying.


Your husband IS a jerk, but you're not an idiot, nor should you be made to feel like one, despite what some of us say to you on here, or how your husband makes you feel.

I got "stuck" in a 14 year relationship/marriage between the ages of 19-33. It started out great (fantastic, even). By the end of it, I was mentally exhausted - but I didn't KNOW I was, until she was gone. Dealing with it all, with her, with how our lives went, it was all just part of the daily routine. You get so used to it, and that's where one gets stuck. You feel like there's no way out, that things are manageable, you've dealt with it all for so long, and that this is what your life is. And maybe things will get better.

And that's what keeps people like us with people we really, really shouldn't be with. The "what if?". I've been with them so long, we have a life established, we have kids, we have financial obligations, and so on. And we forget about OURSELVES.

I also felt like an idiot at times, and I most definitely felt like an idiot after we split up. And for several years afterwards. There was a lot of "how did I put up with that?" moments, believe me. But it's over now, and I have a much, MUCH better quality of life - and that's what is ultimately important.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

LosingHim said:


> I’ve tried initiating but it’s never often enough. I send sexy texts. I sent him a random naked photo yesterday and I got hearts back, but nothing else. I don’t mind being groped, oftentimes I’ll push back into him, but I need love that feels like love at times too.


IF there’s reason to stay with him…

You might have the same issue my wife does. You come up with a list of things you recognize need to be done, and treat it like a checklist. You tick each box and move on to the next, thinking ok, I’ve done that, the problem is still there.

The “problem” might be treating things like boxes to check off instead of realizing they’re life-long changes that have to be made. Fixing attitudes and actions requires constant dedication to the task. And never a “why should I have to” attitude.

Also, don’t overthink things. Just do. I’ve mentioned my “5 second” rule before. If I think of something I could do for my wife, I just need to get up and do it. If I think about an idea for more than 5 seconds, any idea on just about anything, I’m just finding ways to talk myself out of things I should be doing.

You sent him a nude photo and you got three hearts back!!! That’s a start, not an end because nothing more came of it. He gave you an opening but you decided he didn’t carry it far enough? Keep going.

If that’s what you want.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

Have you ever thought about getting individual therapy? I have been reading your posts on and off for years, I remember your original thread. I have always had a sense of that there is a sort of franticness to your life, like you are running yourself ragged. It's ok to take some time and focus on yourself for a while, it's even ok to have problems in your marriage. If your husband wants sex bad enough, he can initiate it. If he is not going to ask for sex when he wants it, that's his issue and he should look at why does he does that. You aren't responsible for fixing him.


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## thedude3535 (Nov 17, 2021)

Violet28 said:


> Have you ever thought about getting individual therapy? I have been reading your posts on and off for years, I remember your original thread. I have always had a sense of that there is a sort of franticness to your life, like you are running yourself ragged. It's ok to take some time and focus on yourself for a while


My wife's bff is like this. She's an amazing human being, has so much to offer the world, but that's just it, it's never about herself, ever. She can't quiet her brain, and she's manic (in a good way) and just can't sit still. She's sometimes up all night, literally, catching up on work, doing chores/cleaning, or even just reading. And she's single (and not unhappy about that, I don't think). I can't imagine what her life would be like if she had a husband, let alone one like OP's and kids.

If you don't have balance in your life, it rarely ends well.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I went away for a long weekend with my mom and daughter. When I got home yesterday, he’d bought a new mattress the day after we left, got it all set up and slept in the bed a few days to make sure everything was ok with his back. He slept in the bed with me last night.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Not sleeping in the same bed is a stepping stone to divorce. Good job on getting a bed that works for both of you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Why she stays:

1). She’s not very attractive, has a crap personality, and thinks she’ll never find another man……. Nope, she’s gorgeous, fun to be around apparently, and very thoughtful of others.

2) she doesn’t have a decent job and can’t support herself alone….. nope, not that either…. She has a good job and gets promoted…

3). She’s loyal to a fault, she loves the old boy, she constantly thinks one day he will wise up and see what he has to lose and treat her right.
Ding ding ding………

Old J is one of those guys that has the whole world in his hand, a bird’s nest on the ground…. And can’t help but poop in it constantly.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> If you at least want it 2x a week, I think thats pretty good. Maybe you could up it 1-2 more times and he could decrease his and you all would still be having sex around 3-4x per week, Many would be happy with that amount!
> 
> And maybe you all would be good candidates for "scheduled sex"? I would hate having sex based on a calendar but it would reduce the need for one or the other to be the initiator.
> 
> ...


Schedules work. Every Sunday. Usually another day or night each week. Frequency is better each of past five years


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