# Difficult In-Laws



## Fibifib

Hi everyone,

This is out of desperation and frustration. I love my husband — he is honestly the best! On my third date with him I knew I am going to marry this men and we got engaged 3 years later. We are in our 7th year and married for 2 year. Our two little children are everything to me.

Nevertheless, the relationship with my In-Laws is complicated. I am emotional drained and exhausted because of so many fights and arguments as well as teasing and gossip from my mother in-law.

I am lost and I don’t know what to do.


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## Andy1001

Neither my wife, my children or myself have spoken to my mil in over four years. 
Just a suggestion.


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## Diana7

Where is your husband in all this? Is he supportive?
What sort of things does she do?


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## frusdil

Welcome to the nightmare inlaw club. Can you be more specific?

Where does your husband stand in all this?


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## Fibifib

deleted


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## Andy1001

First of all your husband is still a frightened little boy when it comes to his mother and this is his problem not yours. 
Secondly you have to start living your own life without taking your in-laws opinion into consideration. 
You can’t spend every vacation travelling to his parents home. Tell your husband he’s welcome to go home as often as he wants to but without you and the children. Whilst he’s there you can go to Orlando or somewhere similar and have fun. 
You need to make your husband understand that you want to live your own life with your own husband and children and maybe ask him how his paternal grandparents treated his mother when she married his father.


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## AlabamaWorley

I’m sorry, but you don’t have a mother in law problem, you have a husband problem.

I know you love him. According to everything you have written here he’s a great father, he’s a great provider, he views you as his equal, helps around the house, etc.

But he has to stand up to his mother. The fact that he knows she talks about you behind your back and to your face and he lets it slide tells me he is still a mommas boy. I’m assuming there is a cultural aspect to it, maybe it’s time for him to buck the culture and cut her out of both of your lives. Some in laws are dîckbags, but that doesn’t mean you have to put up with it. Your husband needs to stand up to her. I would tell him that you have zero interest in seeing or talking to her anymore unless he tells her the things that must change and you see those changes. Is she still with your father in law? If so I imagine he’s a limp dîck, too, so your husband probably saw her walking all over her husband growing up. Time to break that cycle.


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## Blondilocks

If you are religious you may want to enlist the aid of your clergy. They will be able to educate your husband on who gets priority in his marriage.

The next time they visit you, allow them to enjoy the benefits of staying in a hotel and paying for all of their meals. Don't provide hospitality for ungrateful people.


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## Fibifib

deleted


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## Blondilocks

Fibifib said:


> But then thinking of visiting again, just makes me sick.


Don't go. You have two children to care for.

It would be helpful if you disclose your home country as culture does come into play.


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## Andy1001

Fibifib said:


> Yes, I do have a husband problem. But I also don’t know if I am the problem.
> But then thinking of visiting again, just makes me sick.


I’ve edited your post to the important parts.
You do come across as a little controlling but with the type of man your husband is you have to be. He is weak it’s that simple.
My wife was like your husband, she was scared of her mother. Until she wasn’t, and now they haven’t spoken in over four years and our daughter has never met her grandmother. My wife’s issues with her mother were all financial and when my wife’s business went bust her mother showed her true colors. 
We live in Europe at the moment but our home is in Massachusetts. We are seriously considering staying either in Ireland or Scotland and in-laws are a major contributory factor in this decision. 
You come across as an intelligent woman and I can see the stress this is causing you. I don’t say this lightly but you may have to consider separating from your husband, at least for a while. He has to be made understand that he has a wife and children who have to be his first priority and it may take a drastic measure to drive this point home.
There is also the financial situation to consider. How much is it costing for all these trips to Europe and couldn’t this money be put to batter use?


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## AlabamaWorley

Fibifib said:


> Thank you everyone for all those really helpful reply’s! It feels good to read, that I am not alone with my thoughts.
> 
> Yes, I do have a husband problem. But I also don’t know if I am the problem as well.
> 
> One of the reasons my husband married me — he said — is that I have balls.
> 
> I am not shy and I might be controlling. I am definitely controlling most of the household and probably also everything related to the children — which kind of comes naturally when staying home with them for so long for parental leave.
> 
> If I am complaining to him, that all logistics and organization is on my shoulder, that I micromanage the whole family, he says that he can’t do it right even when he is trying. It’s true. I am often disappointed if I let him do things by himself. And sometimes it’s just because he didn’t do it my way. As an stupid example: He dressed the children and I went and dressed them again, because the shirt colour didn’t match with their pants.
> 
> I know I am horrible in this way.
> 
> Still, in my opinion he should learn to stand up to his mother. He should learn to tell her No. But I shouldn’t be the one telling him.
> 
> When we visited and I overheard my MIL talking about that we didn’t visit them at all even before COVID to one of her friends. I went over to her and said politely that this in fact is not true. She was embarrassed and snapped at me, that if we visited she forgot. She went on that she doesn’t have her sons near by for support like the one time when she needed to get the couch out of the living room.
> I felt hurt and insulted. We came to visit with my first baby 3 times that year and spend also quite a long time each time.
> 
> I told my husband that I have to talk about it with her again and he agreed. But then the next day after even 15min in, he didn’t say a word. So, I shot ahead and told her that I was hurt about what she said the last night. She was playing me dumb first than saying, why I am making all the fuss about something so little. My husband didn’t say any word. I then again said, that it wasn’t right saying untruthful things to anybody, she then snapped and run off with the words that she can talk to her friends whatever she likes and she was trying to leave the room. I called her back, saying, that she should talk to me instead and that I am here listening. My father in-law then started talking with me, defending his wife. MIL eventually came back and we actually started to have a clearing argument about how we feel. My husband still didn’t say a word. In the end he finally was brave enough to tell her that he was very hurt about her saying he might loose his family. I didn’t expect from her to apologize to him, but she did. In the end we said that we are all trying to do better.
> 
> So I feel I gained authority and also acknowledgment, but not acceptance just yet. It was a huge step forward, but I was disappointed that I had to start the fight.
> 
> At the moment it feels like I cleared my problems with my in-laws but my husband never did. He still won’t say no to them, but telling me that he wants to visit them instead, while I feel he rather flys than to pick a fight with them.
> 
> I could be wrong and it could be also me who forces him. I am not scared to start a fight and it’s hard for me to understand. I definitely don’t want to go through all the travel and stress again — I really need a break longer than 3 month, but I also want to support him and if he thinks investing in the relationship with his parents is the right thing to do, than I want to trust him.
> 
> But then thinking of visiting again, just makes me sick.


You aren’t the problem.
I think the inlaws need to be the ones to visit you. She expect you to visit because she doesn’t want the inconvenience and if you’re expected to travel and don’t she has something to ***** about. So you’re expected to fly overseas with your small kids. I’ve flown with my kids and I would rather walk than take a toddler on an airplane again!


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## Fibifib

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## Fibifib

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## Diana7

Must admit if I lived so far from relatives I wouldn't be going 3 times a year. How do you both have so much time off work? The cost must also be a lot. 
Once a year for 2 weeks seems fine. If they want to come to you make that once a year for 2 weeks as well with them staying in a hotel.


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## Fibifib

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## Fibifib

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## DownByTheRiver

It's your husband's obligation not to tell you to ignore her but to shut her up! He needs to stand up to her and let her have it and show consequences if she keep it up. It's his responsibility.


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## ConanHub

Fibifib said:


> Thank you for your post, Andy1001! I am sorry you went through so much with your MIL, but it’s also helps to hear I am not the only one.
> 
> 
> 
> I really don’t want to do something so drastic. I sympathize with her. Her life wasn’t always easy and she never had the role models herself on how to be a good parent. I think she is trying her best, but can’t control her emotions. She isn’t a bad person, but a difficult character, who never learned how to filter. Sometimes she just says ****** that’s on her mind. I never met a person that’s so unreflective and it’s crazy hard to deal with.
> 
> She loves her children and she loves her grandchildren. Me not so much, I am a competitor for her sons love. I told her that I can’t steal her son and that’s also not my intention to do so. In my opinion she created her suffering herself.
> 
> I agree that we should live our life and even though I do empathize with her and I am sorry for her sorrow — I don’t want to live a life dictated by her wishes.
> 
> My husband in the other hand says that we owe her the time with her grandchildren. He says that we decided to move so far away. She shouldn’t suffer because of our decisions. I disagree: I think she is causing her own suffering.
> 
> “Your children are not your children.
> They are sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
> They come through you but not from you.
> And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.” (Kahlil Gibran)
> 
> I feel like she is possessive over her children and my children as well. It’s something I really disagree with as I don’t want my children to feel like they belong to someone. I want them to grow up following their dreams. I don’t have my children for the sake of me, but so they can experience life and live to their fullest potential.
> 
> At the moment my husband and I are so hurt by this conflict, that we can’t even talk reasonable with each other. We had horrible fights and I said to him that if this is staying the status quo I am going to file for divorce. He is absolutely hurt that I said this. I was emotional and I was on the rocks . And he then said that I am not better than his mother — emotionally blackmailing him. So, to threaten with consequences doesn’t work. I am loosing on every level but I do love him so very much…


Then don't complain.

When someone is ridiculously belligerent, taking decisive action is the only choice.

Mrs. Conan's mom and several of her siblings were extremely disfunctional and toxic. They all made stupid decisions and hated me without cause.

I cut it off with them and stopped letting my children around them. Mrs. C eventually laid down the law with them and none of them saw either of us for a long time.

You can make excuses for bad behavior towards you but then you should just continue to be a punching bag for the pathetic mil.

Enjoy.


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## Fibifib

deleted


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## DownByTheRiver

Fibifib said:


> WOW, it’s crazy how quickly people cut off people from their life. Shouldn’t that stay my last resort?
> 
> At the moment the problem is the upcoming flight and that my husband is feeling obligated to fly.
> 
> I want to give my in-laws one more chance to proof themselves to me after we had our clearing talk. They don’t know anything about this argument at the moment. It’s just between my husband and I arguing about what would be the best way to deal with the conflict.
> 
> He wants to show goodwill and that we are trying to see them more often after we didn’t see them for 2 years. I on the other hand say, it’s too much to fly again after 3 month.
> It was a ridiculously expensive and exhausting trip being away for 9 weeks.
> 
> So one option would be he flys alone.
> Or we fly all together, but at the moment I don’t know how I can cope with that idea. It’s just too much. I need a break from travelling and I want to concentrate on my real life problems.
> 
> It upsets me that it’s again so emotional again even though I am really only trying to tell him how I feel. How exhausted I am.


Here is Dr. Phil's advice for how to deal with in-laws. 









10 Tips For Managing Your In-Laws


If you plan on sticking with your spouse, then you're also stuck with your in-laws, so you might as well learn how to cope with them.




www.drphil.com


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## Fibifib

DownByTheRiver said:


> Here is Dr. Phil's advice for how to deal with in-laws.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 10 Tips For Managing Your In-Laws
> 
> 
> If you plan on sticking with your spouse, then you're also stuck with your in-laws, so you might as well learn how to cope with them.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.drphil.com


Thank you so much! This is actually really helpful!


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## ConanHub

Fibifib said:


> WOW, it’s crazy how quickly people cut off people from their life. Shouldn’t that stay my last resort?
> 
> At the moment the problem is the upcoming flight and that my husband is feeling obligated to fly.
> 
> I want to give my in-laws one more chance to proof themselves to me after we had our clearing talk. They don’t know anything about this argument at the moment. It’s just between my husband and I arguing about what would be the best way to deal with the conflict.
> 
> He wants to show goodwill and that we are trying to see them more often after we didn’t see them for 2 years. I on the other hand say, it’s too much to fly again after 3 month.
> It was a ridiculously expensive and exhausting trip being away for 9 weeks.
> 
> So one option would be he flys alone.
> Or we fly all together, but at the moment I don’t know how I can cope with that idea. It’s just too much. I need a break from travelling and I want to concentrate on my real life problems.
> 
> It upsets me that it’s again so emotional again even though I am really only trying to tell him how I feel. How exhausted I am.


We tried for a while but my in laws were consistently toxic. It took about a year for me to cut them out and another year for Mrs. Conan to lay down the law.

You can't actually be nice to a bully. You have to knock them down, so to speak, to stop the abuse.


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## Quad73

Fibifib said:


> WOW, it’s crazy how quickly people cut off people from their life. Shouldn’t that stay my last resort?


Life is far too short for that to be a last resort. MIL may break you, him, or both.

I say go ahead, unapologetically steal him from her. You are his one and only now, his mom should no longer hold that position. That's the circle of life.


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## AlabamaWorley

Fibifib said:


> Thank you for your kind words!
> Thats the problem that also because of COVID it adds extra stress to travel with unvaccinated children. Flying with two little ones is absolutely exhausting and the jet lag is no fun either. My son just started daycare, which is a huge change for me. I am probably busy caring for a sick little one ( or two) while prepping going back to work.
> 
> The travel plans are coming up to a very inconvenient time. My husband, though, understands it as if I am just looking for reasons not to see my in-laws…
> 
> I am the one paying the price with my mental health. And that’s what I think makes everything so crucial. I learned it the hard way that if you don’t stand up for yourself you are playing with your health.


Again, WHY can they not come to y’all? Does that not make more sense? Then your kids, who are still babies, don’t have to have their lives uprooted temporarily. They don’t have to sit in a seat for ten hours, or have their sleep schedule thrown off. Maybe my stance is different but it took me forever to get each of my kids on a sleep schedule and no one was messing with it. Your husband is being unreasonable


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## DownByTheRiver

Fibifib said:


> Thank you so much! This is actually really helpful!


Best of luck. He needs to fix it. His mom won't disown him. She'll just act like she's going to.


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## Diana7

Fibifib said:


> WOW, it’s crazy how quickly people cut off people from their life. Shouldn’t that stay my last resort?
> 
> At the moment the problem is the upcoming flight and that my husband is feeling obligated to fly.
> 
> I want to give my in-laws one more chance to proof themselves to me after we had our clearing talk. They don’t know anything about this argument at the moment. It’s just between my husband and I arguing about what would be the best way to deal with the conflict.
> 
> He wants to show goodwill and that we are trying to see them more often after we didn’t see them for 2 years. I on the other hand say, it’s too much to fly again after 3 month.
> It was a ridiculously expensive and exhausting trip being away for 9 weeks.
> 
> So one option would be he flys alone.
> Or we fly all together, but at the moment I don’t know how I can cope with that idea. It’s just too much. I need a break from travelling and I want to concentrate on my real life problems.
> 
> It upsets me that it’s again so emotional again even though I am really only trying to tell him how I feel. How exhausted I am.


So you last went for 9 weeks? And have only been back for 3 months and now he wants to go again? That's crazy. How does he get 9 weeks off work?

Oh and btw is your husband Italian by any chance?


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## Fibifib

deleted


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## Fibifib

Diana7 said:


> Oh and btw is your husband Italian by any chance?


No, we are not Italian. It’s not a culture problem.


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## Fibifib

AlabamaWorley said:


> Again, WHY can they not come to y’all? Does that not make more sense? Then your kids, who are still babies, don’t have to have their lives uprooted temporarily. They don’t have to sit in a seat for ten hours, or have their sleep schedule thrown off. Maybe my stance is different but it took me forever to get each of my kids on a sleep schedule and no one was messing with it. Your husband is being unreasonable


Thank you so much got your empathy!

That’s why I am so frustrated and exhausted. Even though my husband is very supportive and a great involved father — most of the workload planning, organizing and the childcare is on my shoulders — especially because I am still nursing my youngest.

My in-laws don’t speak any English. For them it’s too much of a burden to come here. They don’t enjoy it at all. They came once and they didn’t like it. It’s also financially harder for them.


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## Fibifib

ConanHub said:


> We tried for a while but my in laws were consistently toxic. It took about a year for me to cut them out and another year for Mrs. Conan to lay down the law.
> 
> You can't actually be nice to a bully. You have to knock them down, so to speak, to stop the abuse.


I am so sorry you went through this! It must have been really hard.

We are not there yet. I still hope we can find a way to keep a relationship with each other. Most of her toxic behaviour started after we had kids. I think she misses us and she doesn’t know how to deal with her pain.


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## Diana7

Fibifib said:


> No, we are not Italian. It’s not a culture problem.


Ok. It's just that Italian mothers are known to be very possessive of their sons and cause many divorces.


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## frusdil

Fibifib said:


> She loves her children and she loves her grandchildren. Me not so much, I am a competitor for her sons love.


But that's just it - you're NOT a competitor for her sons love. He can love you 100% and he can love his mum 100%. It doesn't have to be either/or, they're two completely different types of love. My mum has two sons, she has never behaved like this toward their partners, nor to my husband, she said when we married that she gained another son, not lost a daughter.



Fibifib said:


> I am not trusting my husband to stand up for me if MIL makes disrespectful comments towards me.


Your husband has shown you that you can't trust him to stand up for you. If you could, 90% of this wouldn't be an issue.

OP, you sound very much like me. I don't shy away from talking about issues, the only way to resolve things is to discuss them, not let things fester. And you can bet your arse that if someone verbally attacks me, I'm gonna come out swinging and defend myself. If my husband won't defend me I bloody well will.

My husband was like this for a long time with his parents. I finally drew a line in the sand and refused to budge or compromise one more millimetre until he did what I needed him to do. The result was we didn't see his parents for five years. They live 20 minutes from us. He spoke to them on the phone occasionally, and we always sent flowers for birthdays/mothers day etc. but we didn't see them in person. I think that's ridiculous, and still can't get over how grown adults can be so frightened of their parents but it is what it is. So much time wasted, his choice though - he had the power to change that at any time but chose not to through his own inaction. 

Just over a year ago, they reached out, and FINALLY my husband laid it all out, told them (mainly his Mum) what he expected going forward, that he wants a relationship with them but they MUST do everything he asks for that to happen. MIL has been on her best behaviour ever since. She knows now that if she keeps her crap up, all that will happen is she will lose her son. My husband still holds resentment towards her, and I often have to push him a little to catch up with them or to return her calls (he often doesn't answer when she calls lol), but things are better. I wouldn't say the catch ups are enjoyable - they don't want me there and I don't want to be there, but I do it for my husband. 

My point is, you must decide where your line in the sand is, draw it and stick to it. There are many possible compromises - your husband goes alone for 2 weeks, they come to you for 2 weeks and you pay their flights if money is an issue. I wouldn't want my husband going alone for more than a couple of weeks so I'm with you on that one. Or, your husband goes more frequently for shorter amounts of time, and in the meantime you send your MIL photos and videos, and Facetime with her and the children.

Bottom line, YOU and your husband are the mum and the dad here, you have your own family, you do NOT have to live your life by someone else's rules.


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## DownByTheRiver

The problem is he hasn't done anything to deal with the problem and doesn't agree it's a problem. So if you can't convince him it's a problem and that they are unreasonable and that his first allegiance should be to you, you will have to take a stand at some point and just keep contact to a minimum. I do think you should have some say over how much money is being spent flying back and forth. And I don't think you should have to go.


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## Fibifib

DownByTheRiver said:


> The problem is he hasn't done anything to deal with the problem and doesn't agree it's a problem. So if you can't convince him it's a problem and that they are unreasonable and that his first allegiance should be to you, you will have to take a stand at some point and just keep contact to a minimum. I do think you should have some say over how much money is being spent flying back and forth. And I don't think you should have to go.


Thank you for this!

I thinks that’s why I am so hurt. I feel he isn’t really on my side or that he wouldn’t have a problem when it wasn’t for me. He sees her actions and he hears her, but he never says something. I am so tired of putting my feet down, standing my ground, that I don’t want to be treated this way — but he just says, that’s how she is. It feels like I am the one making the fuss, while there are hundreds of examples that aren’t right or fair towards me.

He tells me, that he would chose me over her, if it comes that far. I don’t want him to be put up with an ultimatum. I don’t want this power struggle.

I don’t know what else I can do. Would you recommend couple counselling?


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## Fibifib

frusdil said:


> My point is, you must decide where your line in the sand is, draw it and stick to it. There are many possible compromises - your husband goes alone for 2 weeks, they come to you for 2 weeks and you pay their flights if money is an issue. I wouldn't want my husband going alone for more than a couple of weeks so I'm with you on that one. Or, your husband goes more frequently for shorter amounts of time, and in the meantime you send your MIL photos and videos, and Facetime with her and the children.
> 
> Bottom line, YOU and your husband are the mum and the dad here, you have your own family, you do NOT have to live your life by someone else's rules.


Thank you, frusdil!
It’s very helpful to read your story! Thank you for sharing. It must have been a long way to get were you at now. I also feel, that I need to draw a line. That I need to let him and my in-laws know that I am not playing this game anymore. That I am so sick of it.

When my MIL said that she is loosing her son just before my wedding day, I countered that she won’t loose him, but gain a daughter. She was rolling her eyes.

In a way I am the right wife, that stands up to them. But what really hurts is that he is shying away. He excused it with, but you were very well capable of defending yourself. It’s not the same. They need to hear from him, that he is on my side no matter what. I think if they know they have any chance on dividing us, the teasing probably will end.

What’s so frustrating is that my husband isn’t even trying to say “No!” to her. I see that he is hurting by her. It’s not just me. He says that it goes in one ear in and out the other, but some things she said really hurt him. Why can’t he put up some healthy boundaries? I learned that with my parents when I was moving out and went on studying years ago.

I am wondering if couple counselling would be good for us. Maybe some stranger could talk more sense into him than me.

I know so many grandparents that don’t get to see their grandchildren as often and they live in the same country.

I send pictures and videos of the kids daily. We video call them at least once a week.


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## Quad73

Fibifib said:


> He tells me, that he would chose me over her, if it comes that far.


I should hope so!

But so far, with regard to emotional support, he has NOT delivered on this promise though. 

He has chosen his mother's emotional well being OVER yours. He needs to understand what he's doing in that regard; maybe he hasn't clearly thought about it in this way?


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## DownByTheRiver

Fibifib said:


> Thank you for this!
> 
> I thinks that’s why I am so hurt. I feel he isn’t really on my side or that he wouldn’t have a problem when it wasn’t for me. He sees her actions and he hears her, but he never says something. I am so tired of putting my feet down, standing my ground, that I don’t want to be treated this way — but he just says, that’s how she is. It feels like I am the one making the fuss, while there are hundreds of examples that aren’t right or fair towards me.
> 
> He tells me, that he would chose me over her, if it comes that far. I don’t want him to be put up with an ultimatum. I don’t want this power struggle.
> 
> I don’t know what else I can do. Would you recommend couple counselling?


If you can get him to go, certainly. It's no excuse for him to just say that's how she is and tolerate her being bad to you. If I were you I certainly wouldn't be going on every excursion to see her. And those are also your children so if you feel like she's a bad influence, I'd have something to say about that too or at least try to let your children know not to take everything she says as gospel. My thought is maybe if you say you're too busy to go on the trip, then it will just be your husband and her watching the kids and maybe that won't be quite as much fun for them as when you're there as the caretaker. 

If you think you have no excuse to not go with him, then I believe I would take a little job or have something planned so that you are tied up on weekends or whenever it is he goes.


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## Fibifib

Thank you for all the good advices! I don’t feel so alone with my thoughts anymore.

I am going to delete my story here now, because I don’t want my husband to find out and I feel I am betraying him. I’ll book an appointment for couple counselling and we hopefully are able to resolve some of our issues there.

I feel like complaining here might make things worse between us. I rather pick the open talk from now on that I have more clarity.

Thank you so much again! This really helped in my decision making!


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## DownByTheRiver

Fibifib said:


> Thank you for all the good advices! I don’t feel so alone with my thoughts anymore.
> 
> I am going to delete my story here now, because I don’t want my husband to find out and I feel I am betraying him. I’ll book an appointment for couple counselling and we hopefully are able to resolve some of our issues there.
> 
> I feel like complaining here might make things worse between us. I rather pick the open talk from now on that I have more clarity.
> 
> Thank you so much again! This really helped in my decision making!


You're welcome. I'm afraid they won't let you delete your thread though. It might give him a dose of reality to read it anyway.


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