# Clinical Depression Ruined My Marriage... Help!



## tlm399 (Feb 19, 2011)

Where do i start I ruined my marrige. We have been married for 7 years now We have three amazeing kids. I was diagnosed with clinical depression 1 month ago and the only reason i decided too get help was i found out my wife was haveing an emotional affair ( is that a valid reason too get help?) she told me that was all it was and i believe her.Why would it take something that drastic too decide i needed help? My wife asked me that question why didnt i get help when she asked me too? I treated my wife horribly for over 4 years. I was verbaly abusive i put her down i didnt spend time with her or are kids and she tried too get me too she tried for years. she tried so hard too work on are marriage but i thought the way i was acting was normal We have always had are ups and downs through out our realitionship we have always delt with financial problems we have bought and sold three houses. I have a whole new outlook on life now therapy is working my kids love me more than ever but i cant get my wife too love me the way she used too. We just seperated for 2 weeks so she can clear her head not much got acomplished my wife wants too start over become friends again and if that doesent work she wants too divorce...Its so hard for me too accept that i just want too hold her in my arms tell her how sorry I want things too be the way they were...I hurt her very much and i dont blame her for wanting a divorce. there are a lot more details but this is the short version of what happened...Would appreciate any advice anyone has thanks


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

There's too issues here. Your depression which you seem to be getting help for, and her emotional affair which nothing has been done about.

The purpose of the separation is so she can be with the other man without your interference.

She needs to come back home and you both need to get into counseling asap.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I have severe clinical depression, anxiety and possibly PMDD. I was diagnosed several years ago, but had gotten better for a while, and about a year ago, was depressed again but didn't get back on meds until last month. It put a massive strain on my relationship. But...neither he nor I cheated, emotionally or otherwise. 

Now, I didn't verbally abuse him or anything, I was just shut down emotionally and kind of distant. But, still, no one cheated. And once I started the meds, and started to feel somewhat better, it immediately took quite a bit of the strain off our relationship, and we're working on repairing the rest of the damage.

She had an emotional affair, and now, after you've gotten help for your depression, she separated and maybe wants a divorce? Normally, when I see one of the guys in here say that the wife has left so she can be with the other man without you being in the way, I roll my eyes and think they are bitter, but this time I think Atholk is absolutely right. Once I started meds, my boyfriend felt that there was a good incentive to recommit to our relationship, because he knew then that things would get better. 

I'll admit that if you verbally abused and ignored her, it probably did hurt her pretty badly. But for her to stay through all of that and then when you start getting help to say "oh, gee, you hurt me terribly and now I'm outta here"...I don't buy it as being a result of what happened before you got help. If she's not actually still seeing the other guy, I would bet that she's at least wanting to try out single life and see if she can find something "better" or if she should stick with you.


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## shinypenny (Feb 18, 2011)

I'm in a situation where my husband finally agreed to get help for his anxiety disorder and depression. He's now on medication and it has made a huge difference. I stayed with him through a few years of being treated badly, feeling unloved and unwanted, feeling like I was the only one who cared if we stayed together, etc. Needless to say, it wasn't a good time for him, but it wasn't a good time for me, either. 

It's great that you are doing so much better now, but it's going to take some time to heal that rift. My H and I are working on this right now. I find myself re-evaluating our relationship. He did some hurtful things to me, and I truly understand that it was because of his depression--a disease-- but it still hurts to know that he's capable of doing those things to me. I had to decide for myself, knowing what I now know he's capable of doing (and what could happen again if the meds stop working, or if/when he goes off them), do I still love him, do I still want to be with him? For me, I didn't have to move out to decide that I was willing to take the risk and stay with him and try to work things out because I do still love him. But everyone is different, and maybe your wife is just trying to figure out those same kinds of things. She says she wants to start over and be friends again. If that's the case, make sure she knows the basics --- that you're sorry about the things you did to her, that you love her, that you miss her, that you want things to be different now... And also show her with your actions that you mean those things. Words are great, but actions speak volumes. Also try and respect the fact that she is hurt and it will take time to get over that. 

It doesn't surprise me that she stayed with you through all the depression but now she seems to be pulling away. Maybe she finally feels like she can take care of herself because she doesn't have to take care of you. That's how it was for me. On the other hand, it's not ok if she's using the situation to justify her trying out the single life. Giving her some space to figure things out doesn't mean that she can pretend she's not married, and it should be ok for you to tell her that, too.


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## nicolelord2 (Feb 16, 2011)

I will suggest you cognitive behavioral therapy which help to over comes from clinical depression.


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## Lorraine M (Apr 26, 2011)

My husband has recently been diagnosd with Clinical Depression and SEVERE anxiety disorder. He thought I was trying to kill/poison him. I don't condone your wife having an "emotional" affair, and I didn't, however I can't tell you how alone it feels to be the spouse, taking the hits, one after another,while carrying the load, and everyone in the family and work thinks we are fine, in my case for years not knowing what the real cause was. Just funks and defensiveness and no empathy to verbal aggression. There is a lot to consider and I'm going through a similar situation right now. I want to keep my family together but am I prepared if things go "south"? He's already consulted with an attorney because he can't take "me" anymore, only to regret next day. Do you have any idea of what you said or did during your worst? My husband usually doesn't remember when he's lucid, like screaming at me at 5:30 Easter morning, for not running him to the ER yet again for burning in his hands and body flushing, then withdrawing the rest of the day, even on Ativan as a supplement to other meds. Who was left to ease it over with our child? Me... Can I handle another verbal shot and accusation? I attended therapy with my spouse and found out he is focusing on his perception of my constant controlling him, still, even on meds, but yet calls me to ask what to do if an office store is out of a printer cartridge. My husband is a highly educated, high positioned/degreed person, I wish I knew if anyone in the office knew. Supposedly I am the sole cause of his anxiety because he is fine everywhere else. Everything is my fault. Money has always been an issue in our household because my spouse has lived for retirement security since his 20s, and there is still a looong way to go, but that has been number one over me. A lot of hurt without specific details, and I justified the hurt by considering the way he was raised. I can't count the number of times I said I'm not our mother but your lover and spouse. I still love my husband and want to keep the family intact and if it takes your wife a period of time away to regroup and make sure your marriage is what she wants, then you really need to allow her to do it, whether at this point it's to validate herself as a viable woman who can feel good about herself or just time to pamper herself (again, I am not agreeing it's ok to have an affair, that's a deal breaker but maybe she just needs someone to make her feel attractive and special). I know I am fried and if I didn't have a child I too would be taking a long break. Right now, I long for a re-do of all the vacations that I had no input and when I tried to suggest something I wanted/needed only meaness, demanding or insults followed, until we got home and then profuse apologies because he really doesn't want me unhappy, it's the illness, the lost years of pushing and yearning to go out on a Saturday nights while my husband stared blankly into TV, pushing him to respond to invitations for anything only to have them ignored, and more of the similar... suggesting get togethers with his friends only to have him never follow up and cancel trips I did plan, romantic get aways.. Our counselor recently asked what we wanted out of our marriage and personally, I realized I have no more dreams except to see my child succeed in life, my goals and the time and energy to accomplish them has passed and I've been so wrapped up in my spouse's needs I haven't even thought about it. My husband's goal even on meds and seeing a psychiatrist? For me to make more money so he can travel with me in retirement..15 years from now...my therapy appointments are now about rebuilding my dreams and honestly, the saying, if you let them go and they come back it it's love (paraphrasing here) or if you let them go and they don't come back that's the way it's meant to be? Well, that's how I think you should feel about your wife. She needs time, I need time. If I get that time and my husband and I start "dating" again and I see the old spark of what attracted me and we can get past the hurt, and he continues treatment, then yes we have a chance, if not, we are both better off. Neediness is not an excuse for a marriage, no matter how much you love that person. The hurt is like a cut knuckle, it starts to heal but the least little bend or hit makes it bleed again, it needs time, we need time. Honestly, this time isn't about the patient or illness, it's about the caregivers..any other job gives you a vacation, except the spouse of someone who is ill.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Lorraine M you are describing textbook depression psychosis with delusional affect. Meds alone are typically insufficient. He may need inpatient care.

I have suffered from that that. I am telling you first hand.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Lorraine:

I agree with Runs Like Dog. 
Was your husband diagnosed by a Psychiatrist?
Were ALL his meds prescribed by a Psychiatrist?


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## Lorraine M (Apr 26, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Lorraine M you are describing textbook depression psychosis with delusional affect. Meds alone are typically insufficient. He may need inpatient care.
> 
> I have suffered from that that. I am telling you first hand.


He just started seeing a psychiatrist last week after the family doc told him he needs far more help than he can provide. He is being seen 3 x's week and I went in for first family session. It's new but I realize the years I tried to please and banged my head against the wall wasn't him, it was the illness. He refuses inpatient which I'm guessing is why he's being seen so many times a week. I'm trying to keep things low keyed, no arguing, what's the point, and stable for our child from the perspective of life deals many things, you learn about it, deal with it the best you can but still live life. I just wish I had known when I made him go to marriage counseling 3 years ago, that we were fighting something way more serious than just thoughtlessness or control issues on his part. But today is a new day, except I'm exhausted.


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## Lorraine M (Apr 26, 2011)

VeryHurt said:


> Lorraine:
> 
> I agree with Runs Like Dog.
> Was your husband diagnosed by a Psychiatrist?
> Were ALL his meds prescribed by a Psychiatrist?


Yes, mental health system stinks. Finding someone in a medium sized metro area who had openings, then a three week wait, I finally found someone who was able to see him within a few days. He's on Celexa, Atavan and Ambien, had Seraquel (sp) as a nightly supplement but felt it really messed with him so doc upped Ativan and took him off. I'm praying it doesn't take multiple meds/adjustments to get back to some normal life. I just so wish I had recognized how deep it was years ago instead of arguing just thinking it was "guy insensitivity". I knew something wasn't normal but isn't that the way? The psych seems to be doing a "tough love" approach of if you want to get better and you want your marriage to last you need to do A, B, and C, no excuses while waiting for meds to work and holding him accountable at each appointment. anyone familiar with this style?


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Hi Lorraine:

I am in the medical profession, having marital problems and have had numerous episodes of clinical depression/anxiety......so I seem to have a lot in common with you.

There are Psychiarists that specialize in "Diagnosing and the Evaluation of Medications /Pharmacology." 

They do not do "talk therapy" they simply get an accurate diagnosis and prescribe the appropriate meds.

Some Phychiarist have a computer program where they enter all your meds and then it determines if there are any that are causing another to work adversely. 

Also, whay other meds is your husband taking? Hypertension? Thyroid?

Also, any OTC meds?

You see them weekly or every other week to be reevaluated to see if your meds need adjusting.

I am wondering if all the meds that your husband is taking are work well together and are the correct meds for him?

My husband was misdiagnosed by our Internist who put him on Adderral instead of Antidepressant. (Try to figure that out???)
My H went nuts. To make a long story short, two months ago he FINALLY got off Adderall (after I INSISTED that he see a Psychiatrist) and he is a different person. The point that I'm trying to make is that mistakes do happen.

I also learned something else: I went to see an Attorney because I needed to know the Divorce Laws in my State. She mentioned to me that her Law Firm is seeing more and more spouses coming in to inquire about Divorce because they "don't even know their spouse anymore." 

She went on to say that too many General Practioners/Internist are freely prescribing meds for people (Viagra, Ambien, Xanax, Zoloft, Prozac, Lunesta) and they are not the appropriate meds for that person and they are having significant behavior changes.

They don't follow up on these patients. And in some cases, bloodwork is needed.

This may not have anything to do directly with your situation but I thought I would tell you these things.

I would be able to give you a few names of reputable Psychiatrists if I knew your State and County?

I hope that I was able to help you.

Good Luck.

Stay Strong.


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## Lorraine M (Apr 26, 2011)

VeryHurt said:


> Hi Lorraine:
> 
> I am in the medical profession, having marital problems and have had numerous episodes of clinical depression/anxiety......so I seem to have a lot in common with you.
> 
> ...


Thank you. On one of his numerous visits for physical symptoms they did diagnose a severe Vit D deficiency but both FP, ER docs (4 visits) and psychiatrist agree his symptoms are not related, especially the fear of me poisoning him and having dreams of his throat being slit in the middle of the night. He is very anti med, always has been, an alka seltzer was a big deal, and has only taken Aciphex for acid. Now taking Motrin for back spasms. The FP doc gave him the Celexa and Ativan and immediately referred him out to psych, Thank God..literally..but I guess we really need to wait for them to work and I pray we don't need multiple adjustments. He's had complete workups and was told he's in really good physical health for a 50 year old man. He's obsessed over the 14 pounds he lost in one month ..I just can't go into it all but in response, he is with an established psychiatrist, there is a family history of schizophrenia which scares me and his father had a "nervous breakdown" when hubby was a child but none of his siblings remember the exact details and his mother is dead so I don't have anyone to ask. I believe you on the drugs being handed out. I suffer migraines and as soon as Cymbalta hit the market they couldn't wait to try and get me on that and off Fioricet. Why would I screw with my brain chemistry and unknown long term side effects if I watch doseage of something which works and use as instructed? Hubby is to have blood work done in 8 weeks to check D levels again and the only thing I'm questioning and seeing FP doc about tomorrow is an MRI to make sure nothing has happened from where he had a fusion in his neck after a nasty car accident in 2000which could be making symptoms worse. Long shot but you never know when it comes to the nervous system. But, as I've been in counseling over the past few years I do realize this is deep seated and whatever made him break, be it work, relationship, money stress (sort of imagined and his fear of any debt whatsoever) will take a while to get over. I just hope I can regroup and handle it well so I don't interefer with his improvement. I am so glad I found this board as I don't want to "character assisanate" him and when he found out I was talking to his younger sister (we've always been closer) he informed me they were his family, not mine, and I'm not allowed to discuss anything with them. I adore his "younger' sister and our kids our closer in age but am refraining from talking to her anymore so she's not in the middle and he feels he can trust me, ironic huh? Plus I know she told the older sister who seems to have developed a case of can't keep her mouth shut and now calls and texts him constantly, unless she knows more about the family history than she wants to share...thank you so much.


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