# When is it time to let each other go?



## IWantLove (Jun 20, 2009)

My H and I are going through a trial separation (about to end next weekend), and I've learned a lot in that time. I've realized that without him, I've felt more like myself than I have in years, and I've had a lot of (innocent) fun. There are parts of myself that were stifled by him that I've been able to bring out again, and it's been great.

In a nutshell, though you can read my thread "Can anyone really change?" for more details, we've been married for a little over four years, and he's never really prioritized our marriage. He's always been more focused on school--whether it was the program he was in or the program he wants to be in in the future. I've moved all over the country to be with him and had jobs I hated to support both of us while he earned no money, and he didn't really make an effort to spend time with me or engage me in my interests.

We met this afternoon to talk about what our time apart has been like before he comes home again, and I'm at a loss as to what to do next. I don't love him, and he's pretty sure he doesn't love me. All he can focus on is how he thinks we got married too quickly, and he doesn't see what we can hold on to to keep us together. It almost seems like he blames me for his inability to prioritize the marriage (though he knows and _sometimes_ acknowledges the sacrifices I've made) and for us getting married. I truly loved him and believed we were right for each other, and I'm heartbroken at how wrong I was. We are in counseling, but it hasn't done anything for us so far.

So my question is: How do you know when it's time to let each other go and move on with your lives without each other? At what point do you acknowledge that things will never get better?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

If both of you admit you don't love each other and the separation made you feel better, then perhaps it's time. 

Hopefully you don't have kids. 

Not sure how long you've been separated or how long you've attended MC. 

If you have no love for each other, then why are you staying?


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## IWantLove (Jun 20, 2009)

He can't actually say that he doesn't love me. He said today that he feels like he should given all that I've done for him.

No kids, thank God.

Our trial separation has been very short--only two and a half weeks now with one more week to go. I asked him to leave temporarily because I was having serious anxiety (heart palpitations, nausea, insomnia, etc.) because of the situation. Being apart has really helped my symptoms decrease. We've been going to MC for about two months now. Our counselor has not been very effective; I don't expect that MC can fix every failing marriage, but he has hardly given us suggestions of things to work on or think about. It's been disappointing.

As far as having no love but staying, I've felt like I needed to stay because I know there was a reason I married him. I'm not an impulsive person and didn't marry him on a whim. Hearing him say, though, that he thinks we've never had common goals or interests and that he doesn't know what we have to go on makes me really sad. I doubt that he ever truly loved me. 

But at this point, there doesn't seem to be a whole lot preventing me from ending it. Maybe I only needed to ask the question so I could answer it for myself. Has anyone else been in this situation? How about you, Corpuswife?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Well...your situation is totally different. I've been married for 24 years and separated for 6 weeks. The words "I am no longer in love but I love you" were uttered back in Oct. 08. Up until the day he left we both agreed that we loved each other.

He's confused and going through something midlife crisis/depression who knows?

I agree. If neither one of you feel like you love each other, then perhaps separate. Separate to reevalute your feeling for each other. That is an idea.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

For me.. I left my ex when he was making me feel bad about myself and trying to ruin my self esteem with his ideas of life and happiness....
( all about himself).

I started to not enjoy my life, my things, my home
or being with him at all... It was then I knew it was time to walk away.

He made me feel it was bad being me, at least that was what he was trying to do... like he was trying to tear me down to rebuild me as he wanted me to be.

It was like he was trying to ruin my life or take over my life.

With my husband, he said he knew it was over when his ex was making up stories of abuse... and he was curious and looked in her purse and found info on bullet proof vests... he knew then it was over and he had to go.


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