# My Wife Says It's Over, Won't talk at all



## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

So my wife told me that the marriage is over and she will not talk to me at all! She blocked my number so I cannot call her or text her.

Background

My wife and I began dating in 2001. We married on Oct. 19, 2008. So we dated for about 7 years. During the time of us dating, she would have these moments where she would "run". She would, out of the blue, say the relationship was too much for her, tell me it was over, and leave. Weeks later, we will be back together. This would happen like clock work, at least twice a year.

In 2007, she gave her life to the Lord, was baptized and never ran again. So in March of 2008 I proposed. Things were great up until Feb. of this year. She unexpectedly told me she was not coming home and was going to her parent's house. I BLEW UP! I told her we are not dating anymore, we are married! No more back and forth is what I told her. She said okay, and moved out.

A month later she was back home because her parents kicked her out. We were dating while she was at her parents house and she was angry with her parents for untimely putting her out. She said she wanted one more month for us to continue dating. So we both agreed that she would rent a room from a house around the street so we could continue working on the marriage without living together because we thought the constant seeing each other would lead to another blow up.

I became extremely busy with work. She would come home everyday, but little did I know, she was wanting me to tell her to come home. She would tell our pastor that she did not know how much more she could take of this, living separate and how badly she wanted to come home. She never told me this, though she swears she did. Anyway, 3 weeks ago, she told me out of the blue that I would not be seeing her that weekend. I tried to talk to her to find out what was wrong because we had been doing so well. She said nothing and was clearly depressed. I got angry and silly me, told her, "you're not happy. you're making me unhappy. just go on with your life. this back and forth, our family does not need."

That hurt her and we did not talk for a week. After a week I tried contacting her but she was not having it. This past weekend she came home while I was not home and got her stuff. I went to her place where she is staying, spoke with her and she said the marriage is over. Said I made her feel like a door mat. Said she finds it funny that I want to work on the marriage now when she has been wanting it for months. She said, "no. I don't want it. I'm done." I tried texting her over and over again and she put a block on my phone.

I am 100% committed to making it work. But how do I do that without being able to contact her at all??? Should I give her time to cool off?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Everytime you take her back you are rewarding the "run away" behavior. She will continue to act that way, I mean, what does she have to lose? She runs away, you take her back. No loss. You are always there for her backup plan. 

If you didn't take her back next time maybe she would realize she can't keep running away from things. Or maybe not. 

Are you sure there isn't another man in the picture during these "I'm so done with the relationship" times?


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Yes, I am sure. I have kept a close eye on her during these times in the past. She is not like that. I have also read one of her journals when she "ran" away one of the times before we were married. She went out with a guy and was "hot" but did not have sex with him. She said in her journal she loved me still and didn't trust the guy. 

It may be possible that now there is a guy, but it would had to happen really fast. She was with me all up until the week before she "ended it."


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Solon said:


> Yes, I am sure. I have kept a close eye on her during these times in the past. *She is not like that. * I have also read one of her journals when she "ran" away one of the times before we were married. She went out with a guy and was "hot" but did not have sex with him. She said in her journal she loved me still and didn't trust the guy.
> 
> It may be possible that now there is a guy, but it would had to happen really fast. She was with me all up until the week before she "ended it."


Thats what everyone thought of their spouse whose been cheated on. Don't rule it out. Especially if she went on a date with a guy during one of the times you are separated. She may have had sex with him and just didn't put it in her journal. You never know. 

I mean do you REALLY know her and who she is? She can't even open up to communicate with you about the relationship so does she even really truely open up about herself and who she is deep down?

Don't go chasing after her. That will push her further away if you really want to work on things. Blocking your number is a pretty extreme measure, IMO, I mean if she really does want a divorce she will need to keep in contact with you unless you are getting lawyers...her behavior just seems very strange. Or is this normal for her?


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Actually, it is normal. She is VERY unstable. She does not think futuristically. She acts on impulse and emotions and then when the emotions die she changes.

If she files for divorce she knows it will be rough and expensive. I am an attorney. She will be cautious. I won't file. I won't chase her either. She left. All I can do is wait for the next response; either divorce papers or her contacting me telling me she wants to talk.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

That was not 'silly me' when you told her that your family doesn't need her 'one foot in, one foot out' approach to your marriage.
She's doing you a favor by leaving. How exhausting for you! She's got some fantasy about what real life and marriage are all about.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

indiecat said:


> That was not 'silly me' when you told her that your family doesn't need her 'one foot in, one foot out' approach to your marriage.
> She's doing you a favor by leaving. How exhausting for you! She's got some fantasy about what real life and marriage are all about.


You are SO right about that. Thank you for seeing that. Thought I was the only one.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

So no one can get through to her. She is telling EVERYONE that she is done and the marriage is over.

I guess all I can do is sit back and wait to be served.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Solon said:


> So no one can get through to her. She is telling EVERYONE that she is done and the marriage is over.
> 
> I guess all I can do is sit back and wait to be served.


When has she ever really "done" anything?

I wouldn't sweat out being served.

She likely doesn't have the follow-through to do it.


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## SCondeck (Oct 5, 2012)

So many women seem to have this same fantasy about what real life and marriage are all about. It doesn't help when their friends, family and society constantly bombard them with "You should just be happy." and "Just do what makes you happy."

May God help us through these trials.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Is she bipolar or something like that? Something spooks her a couple times a year. Is she afraid of commitment? Has she been hurt in the past? 

Getting her to open up about what is causing the intense desire for freedom and the feeling of relational claustrophobia might help her get past it. 

I pull away from people when I get too close, when I feel too obligated to them. I can understand the desire for escape. Maybe she's afraid you won't accept some part of her? Maybe she is struggling to accept some aspect of herself that is triggered a couple times a year? I think that whatever it is, she rugswept it and expected religion to cure it, but it hasn't. I think, more than trying to condition her out of this behavior, the two of you should try to get to the root of it.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

moxy said:


> Is she bipolar or something like that? Something spooks her a couple times a year. Is she afraid of commitment? Has she been hurt in the past?
> 
> Getting her to open up about what is causing the intense desire for freedom and the feeling of relational claustrophobia might help her get past it.
> 
> I pull away from people when I get too close, when I feel too obligated to them. I can understand the desire for escape. Maybe she's afraid you won't accept some part of her? Maybe she is struggling to accept some aspect of herself that is triggered a couple times a year? I think that whatever it is, she rugswept it and expected religion to cure it, but it hasn't. I think, more than trying to condition her out of this behavior, the two of you should try to get to the root of it.


I think you are right. But as of right now, she is not open to speaking with me at all. I think all of her fears and insecurities she has now placed blame on me and the marriage, so she is running away from both because in her mind we are the reasons why, 1) she does not know herself, 2) she has low self esteem, 3) she feels like a door mat.

I am hoping and praying that when she realizes, as she has in the past, that I am not the cause of these feelings, that she will come back.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Conrad said:


> When has she ever really "done" anything?
> 
> I wouldn't sweat out being served.
> 
> She likely doesn't have the follow-through to do it.


Honestly, I think you are dead on, Conrad. I think she will rather wait on me to do it or just wait for years without doing it. Unless she falls in love with someone and wants to marry him, I do not think she will pull the trigger. I am not pulling it either, though as of right now, I have grounds to get an instant divorce (we live in an at-fault state).


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

SCondeck said:


> So many women seem to have this same fantasy about what real life and marriage are all about. It doesn't help when their friends, family and society constantly bombard them with "You should just be happy." and "Just do what makes you happy."
> 
> May God help us through these trials.


Thank you, S. Condeck.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Solon said:


> Honestly, I think you are dead on, Conrad. I think she will rather wait on me to do it or just wait for years without doing it. Unless she falls in love with someone and wants to marry him, I do not think she will pull the trigger. I am not pulling it either, though as of right now, I have grounds to get an instant divorce (we live in an at-fault state).


If she insists you pull the trigger (which she may), a simple, "I'm not ok paying for a divorce I don't want" will do the trick.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Conrad said:


> If she insists you pull the trigger (which she may), a simple, "I'm not ok paying for a divorce I don't want" will do the trick.


The power this statement, delivered dispassionately, is surprising.

When I laid it on my controlling stbxw who has an answer for everything, she was dumbfounded.

She said nothing. And she ended up pay the mediators retainer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

spun said:


> The power this statement, delivered dispassionately, is surprising.
> 
> When I laid it on my controlling stbxw who has an answer for everything, she was dumbfounded.
> 
> ...


If I had to guess, I would say that my wife will not pull the trigger, but.....she is out of her mind right now so who knows.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Solon said:


> If I had to guess, I would say that my wife will not pull the trigger, but.....she is out of her mind right now so who knows.


As part of your recovery, start thinking of things you truly were "not ok" with - that you went along with - to "keep the peace".

Or... as in many cases, "to keep the piece".


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Solon said:


> If I had to guess, I would say that my wife will not pull the trigger, but.....she is out of her mind right now so who knows.


The best thing you can do is step out of the drama. 

Silence is your friend. And from it you will regain your strenght, power, and sense of self that you lost to your relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

spun said:


> The best thing you can do is step out of the drama.
> 
> Silence is your friend. And from it you will regain your strenght, power, and sense of self that you lost to your relationship.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I just sent her a "closure" e-mail. I told her that I love her enough to let her go and told her that I will not try to convince her to save the marriage since that is not what she wants. I told her that I respect her decision even though I do not agree with it. Then I said, "I guess it ends as it started--with an e-mail. . Take care of yourself."

We started by e-mailing. She used to LOVE my e-mail messages so I am sure she felt FREE when I released her. It actually helped me somewhat too.

Now the hard part is whether or not I allow other women in or if I keep them away just in case she comes to her senses and comes home. That is tough.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Solon said:


> I just sent her a "closure" e-mail. I told her that I love her enough to let her go and told her that I will not try to convince her to save the marriage since that is not what she wants. I told her that I respect her decision even though I do not agree with it. Then I said, "I guess it ends as it started--with an e-mail. . Take care of yourself."
> 
> We started by e-mailing. She used to LOVE my e-mail messages so I am sure she felt FREE when I released her. It actually helped me somewhat too.
> 
> Now the hard part is whether or not I allow other women in or if I keep them away just in case she comes to her senses and comes home. That is tough.


If you are "giving" to "get" you are going to be disappointed.

These kinds of letters never invoke a response. Hope that is not what you were looking for.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Solon said:


> Now the hard part is whether or not I allow other women in or if I keep them away just in case she comes to her senses and comes home. That is tough.


If you are still worried about the possibility of her coming home, you have not truly set her free.

Write whatever you want. You are not even close to being out of the woods, brother.


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## pseudonym (Aug 19, 2012)

Solon said:


> I just sent her a "closure" e-mail.


If it was truly closure that you sought, an e-mail wouldn't be necessary. Closure is found internally.



Solon said:


> I told her that I love her enough to let her go


Don't just tell her, SHOW her. Let your actions speak for you.

That being said, I get why you sent it. I think all of us here feel that urge at one time or another to send that e-mail. Don't beat yourself up over it but I don't think it will accomplish what you subconsciously hoped it would.



Solon said:


> Now the hard part is whether or not I allow other women in or if I keep them away just in case she comes to her senses and comes home. That is tough.


Focus on yourself. Not a new woman. Not your wife. You.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

I don't expect a return at all. I feel more at peace. I actually saw her in the gym yesterday evening. Didn't even look her way twice. Just did my workout and ran home.

So no. I am not expecting anything from her. We are still married, but I am giving her what she wants, which is not me contacting her. Now....our anniversary is Oct. 19. Whether I give her flowers with a note that says, "Just couldn't help myself, it was the best day of my life." or something like that is left to be seen. As of now, I am not thinking about attempting to contact her.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Solon said:


> I just sent her a "closure" e-mail. I told her that I love her enough to let her go and told her that I will not try to convince her to save the marriage since that is not what she wants. I told her that I respect her decision even though I do not agree with it. Then I said, "I guess it ends as it started--with an e-mail. . Take care of yourself."
> 
> We started by e-mailing. She used to LOVE my e-mail messages so I am sure she felt FREE when I released her. It actually helped me somewhat too.
> 
> Now the hard part is whether or not I allow other women in or if I keep them away just in case she comes to her senses and comes home. That is tough.


Stop talking to her.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

file for a legal separation to protect your azz. Then start hitting on her friends and see what gets back to her and what her reaction is. If she has any feelings at all, you will most likely get a reaction.
She may have done you a favor, but also you could really have fun with this. i know i would be tempted.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Solon said:


> I don't expect a return at all. I feel more at peace. I actually saw her in the gym yesterday evening. Didn't even look her way twice. Just did my workout and ran home.
> 
> So no. I am not expecting anything from her. We are still married, but I am giving her what she wants, which is not me contacting her. Now....our anniversary is Oct. 19. Whether I give her flowers with a note that says, "Just couldn't help myself, it was the best day of my life." or something like that is left to be seen. As of now, I am not thinking about attempting to contact her.


Do you have a therapist?


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

I do have a therapist.


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## pseudonym (Aug 19, 2012)

Solon said:


> Now....our anniversary is Oct. 19. Whether I give her flowers with a note that says, "Just couldn't help myself, it was the best day of my life."


Anniversaries aren't to celebrate weddings; they're to celebrate marriages.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

If she really wants to end the marriage, sending her anything on your anniversary is just going to push her further away.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Solon said:


> I do have a therapist.


What would he say about sending gifts to someone who doesn't even wish to speak with you?


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

pseudonym said:


> Anniversaries aren't to celebrate weddings; they're to celebrate marriages.


Yeah...and we are married still. I don't know what I will do. If I don't she may conclude that I really don't care. Part of her complaint was, "You don't love me. You don't even like me." Doing this may show her a change in me.

If I do, it may just disgust her and push her farther away (as if that is possible). So I don't know. Just reasoning it out, I am leaning towards doing it, simply because by doing so it cannot make anything any worse. I mean, what else can she do if I do give her flowers for our anniversary? Hire a hit man? No. But it can, though probably will not, move her heart and get her to start thinking logically. I don't know. But she definitely will not see me or hear from me.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Conrad said:


> What would he say about sending gifts to someone who doesn't even wish to speak with you?


He will probably say that it will prolong the healing process. But I will ask him next week when I meet with him.

I think he believes she will come back (given her history) but I think he wants me to be strong enough not to take her back, at least with the way she is. She needs healing and help.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Solon said:


> He will probably say that it will prolong the healing process. But I will ask him next week when I meet with him.
> 
> I think he believes she will come back (given her history) but I think he wants me to be strong enough not to take her back, at least with the way she is. She needs healing and help.


She will never miss you if you don't leave her alone.

Your therapist is right. There never will be a reconciliation that works if she does not deal with her issues.

Focus on what you can change. You.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

spun said:


> She will never miss you if you don't leave her alone.
> 
> Your therapist is right. There never will be a reconciliation that works if she does not deal with her issues.
> 
> Focus on what you can change. You.


I totally agree. But it's our anniversary. One day out of a year. How can I ignore the day? I think for my own sanity I have to give something. I will be sick if I just ignored it. Now if we were divorced I would have no problems with ignoring the day. I don't know. I have 9 days to think it over.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Solon said:


> I totally agree. But it's our anniversary. One day out of a year. How can I ignore the day? I think for my own sanity I have to give something. I will be sick if I just ignored it. Now if we were divorced I would have no problems with ignoring the day. I don't know. I have 9 days to think it over.


Dude, she's locked you out and does not want to talk to you, at least for now, and maybe never again.

You are going to reward her with a gift?

You know what rewarding bad behavior brings?

More bad behavior.

Don't say we didn't warn you.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

spun said:


> Dude, she's locked you out and does not want to talk to you, at least for now, and maybe never again.
> 
> You are going to reward her with a gift?
> 
> ...


Yes, she has treated me like trash....which is why I do not speak with her or chase her or anything. But it is just one day, one gift. I think it is more for me than for her. She will probably ignore it and honestly, I can care less what she does with the flowers. But for me, it will make me feel good inside. I am SO above her evil, cruel ways. If I do nothing, it would bother me. Period. I would be negatively affected if I do not. I am not expecting this to make her come back or to make her reach out or anything from her. Think of it as putting roses on a grave. That's what I'm doing. Putting flowers on her tombstone.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Solon said:


> But for me, it will make me feel good inside.


Take this to your counselor.

Tell him you want to explore why you need to give at all costs to feel good about yourself.

Or, maybe you would like to tell us what it was like for you growing up?


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## Oregondaddy (Feb 10, 2012)

I know you are going through a real tough time right now. But it seems to me your wife is doing a sort of bizzare 180 on YOU right now. I would not send a gift, I sure would buy a gift for ME though. Rather than dwell on it, (i know NOT as easy as it sounds), do things for you. Take a hike, hit the gym, physical activity is your best friend both physically and mentally right now. You did the BEST thing telling her to make up her mind to be in or out. The ball is in her court now, let HER deal with it now. good luck!


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

spun said:


> Take this to your counselor.
> 
> Tell him you want to explore why you need to give at all costs to feel good about yourself.
> 
> Or, maybe you would like to tell us what it was like for you growing up?


Growing up...hmmmm...it was cool. Grew up in the south. My brother was real annoying. It was just me, my mother, and my brother. I was always a loner. Spent a lot of time to myself, thinking, writing, planning. My mother once told me that there was an all out search for me when I was baby, about 18 months old. I was out sitting watching my brother and his friends play (my brother is 3 years older than me). My mom went in to check on dinner and when she came back out I was gone. Just like that. The whole neighborhood went looking for me.

My mom came inside her room to pray (she gets nervous really easy. praying calms her down). When she came in the room she found me sitting in the closet with a magazine turned upside. She asked, "Solon, what are you doing?!" She said I responded, "weeding". (I began talking at an early age).

Other than that, my childhood was cool. The biggest disappoint I had was when my first girlfriend, Tracy Nobles, slept with my best friend, Antonio Carter. This happened in the 10th grade. It really hurt. My best friend was so hurt by it, he has a hard time talking to me today, even though I tell him I am over it. I don't think he ever forgave himself for it. Funny how something can haunt for years after. (Why do I feel like Kevin Spacey in the Usual Suspects when he was talking to the cop in the precinct?)


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

spun said:


> Take this to your counselor.
> 
> Tell him you want to explore why you need to give at all costs to feel good about yourself.
> 
> Or, maybe you would like to tell us what it was like for you growing up?


I never really was close to my dad. He left home when I was around 2 or 3. When my mom was pregnant with me (he later told me and my mom confirmed) he was terrified in having a girl (he has 4 sisters and no brothers). He prayed and asked God that I be a boy. He was studying law at the time and came across the name Solon, one of the seven wise men of Greece, also a great Grecian lawyer. He told God that if he allowed him to have a boy he would name him Solon and prayed that he would be like the Grecian lawyer he was naming me after.

Once I heard this story I vowed to never have anything to do with law. It was painful not growing up with a dad. You know, bigger boys in the neighborhood would pick on you because they knew you didn't have a dad at home. My brother was a wus. So I had somewhat of an anger problem early in life. I have learned to tone it down, but I get angry in court. I get angry at people who take advantage of other people then try to justify it with some off-the-wall excuse.

I was a premed major in college because my mom wanted me to be a doctor. Seems like I had no choice. I impregnated my girlfriend at 19 by accident (...no really, it was by accident). I did not want to live together without being married. I also did not want to not be in my son's life 24/7. So I married her. We were 20. I had my son's name picked out when I was 16. Named him Adonis. In Greek mythology, Adonis died by a wild boar. Aphrodite was in love with him (the goddess of love, who was a *****, but that is besides the point) so she made a deal with Hades to allow Adonis to come back to earth for half the year. His first day back was the beginning of spring. This ws the Greek's way of explaining spring. When it was time for him to return to...well, the underworld, winter would begin. My son Adonis was born on the first day of spring. (pretty cool, huh).

Anyway, my first wife turned out to be a *****. We had our second child, a girl (named her Athena, the goddess of wisdom). Shortly after she was born, my wife left to be with some old guy. She said we married too young and she did not want to grow old without having the opportunity to live her life. So like that, she was gone. I have custody of my kids. At this time, I was on the waitlist for GW's medical school. I took my name off because my wife was wild and I could not go to medical school and leave the kids with her. So I started working for this great company that just so happened to be a law firm. I didn't know it was a law firm when I applied. All I knew was that it paid very well. Turned out to be one of the largest most powerful law firms in the country. We were living in the DC area by then. Before I knew I was in law school. So much for avoiding law.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Solon said:


> Growing up...hmmmm...it was cool. Grew up in the south. My brother was real annoying. It was just me, my mother, and my brother. I was always a loner. Spent a lot of time to myself, thinking, writing, planning. My mother once told me that there was an all out search for me when I was baby, about 18 months old. I was out sitting watching my brother and his friends play (my brother is 3 years older than me). My mom went in to check on dinner and when she came back out I was gone. Just like that. The whole neighborhood went looking for me.
> 
> My mom came inside her room to pray (she gets nervous really easy. praying calms her down). When she came in the room she found me sitting in the closet with a magazine turned upside. She asked, "Solon, what are you doing?!" She said I responded, "weeding". (I began talking at an early age).
> 
> Other than that, my childhood was cool. The biggest disappoint I had was when my first girlfriend, Tracy Nobles, slept with my best friend, Antonio Carter. This happened in the 10th grade. It really hurt. My best friend was so hurt by it, he has a hard time talking to me today, even though I tell him I am over it. I don't think he ever forgave himself for it. Funny how something can haunt for years after. (Why do I feel like Kevin Spacey in the Usual Suspects when he was talking to the cop in the precinct?)


Explore it more deeply with your therapist. You seem like the classic giver in a co-dependent relationship.

You learn that kind of behavior in childhood.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

spun said:


> Take this to your counselor.
> 
> Tell him you want to explore why you need to give at all costs to feel good about yourself.
> 
> Or, maybe you would like to tell us what it was like for you growing up?


Shortly after my first wife left, I met my current wife. She was a 10! We hit it off really well. I was shy so I would e-mail her instead of talking to her initially. She fell in love. I cut her off completely after the first week because she told me she never could see herself marrying a man with kids. After I cut her off, she went ballistic. I figured if she did not want a man with kids, why even bother. She literally hunted me down. She came to my job and caught me as I came out. She ran to me, jumped in my arms and said she did not mean it that way. She said she could not live without me.

She told her cousin, the very first time she saw me in the gym that she just saw her future husband. It was funny because when I first saw her I thought, "now there is someone I would like to spend the rest of my life with."

Our second date, I remember, she told me how her mother thought she was out to kill her. She was so distraught. I was thinking to myself, "Is this chick for real?" I later found out she was for real. Her mom has serious mental issues. She cannot have a job because she always thinks people on the job are out to get her. So she stays at home. This should have been the first sign that more madness was to come.

For the first six years of us dating, she would do exactly what she has done now, every year in October. She would come up with some off the wall reason for breaking up with me and tell me it was over and we can never be together. About a month or so would pass and we would end up back together again. She later would go to counseling for this and found out she had some issues within herself. A year before I proposed she did not run. So I figured, "Hey! She's healed." NOT! She was two weeks early, but she has ran again. Actually, she was right on time. The other time of year she would run would be February. She moved out this February to live with her mom, but was back home in March.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

spun said:


> Explore it more deeply with your therapist. You seem like the classic giver in a co-dependent relationship.
> 
> You learn that kind of behavior in childhood.


The urge to give her gifts and try to "nice her out of this" is classic behavior. If it makes you feel better, almost every male posting in this particular subforum as been there. We're all recovering together.

Have you read Robert Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy?


----------



## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Solon said:


> Shortly after my first wife left, I met my current wife. She was a 10! We hit it off really well. I was shy so I would e-mail her instead of talking to her initially. She fell in love. I cut her off completely after the first week because she told me she never could see herself marrying a man with kids. After I cut her off, she went ballistic. I figured if she did not want a man with kids, why even bother. She literally hunted me down. She came to my job and caught me as I came out. She ran to me, jumped in my arms and said she did not mean it that way. She said she could not live without me.
> 
> She told her cousin, the very first time she saw me in the gym that she just saw her future husband. It was funny because when I first saw her I thought, "now there is someone I would like to spend the rest of my life with."
> 
> ...


No wonder she has no problem running--the doors always open, and there salon is waiting to rescue her once again.

Heck, he might even send her some flowers for running away.


----------



## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

spun said:


> No wonder she has no problem running--the doors always open, and there salon is waiting to rescue her once again.
> 
> Heck, he might even send her some flowers for running away.


Now THAT is funny, Spun....lol :rofl:


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Salon...you need to listen to what these people are telling you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Conrad said:


> The urge to give her gifts and try to "nice her out of this" is classic behavior. If it makes you feel better, almost every male posting in this particular subforum as been there. We're all recovering together.
> 
> Have you read Robert Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy?


Conrad,

You don't think he is classic rescuer?


----------



## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Solon said:


> Now THAT is funny, Spun....lol :rofl:


Seriously man. There is no way she is going to ever stop doing this if you are always waiting in the wings to scoop her back up.

Do you really want to keep living like this?

She sounds like a train wreck and now you are free.


----------



## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Conrad said:


> The urge to give her gifts and try to "nice her out of this" is classic behavior. If it makes you feel better, almost every male posting in this particular subforum as been there. We're all recovering together.
> 
> Have you read Robert Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy?


No. I'll buy it on my Nook today.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Solon said:


> No. I'll buy it on my Nook today.


https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Melanie Beattie's "Codependent No More" is another one for you.


----------



## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

spun said:


> Seriously man. There is no way she is going to ever stop doing this if you are always waiting in the wings to scoop her back up.
> 
> Do you really want to keep living like this?
> 
> She sounds like a train wreck and now you are free.


Hmmmm....you're right. She is a train wreck. Hmmmm....(thinking).....


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

my anniversay was on 8/22, she was with somebody & i was with somebody. i was happy but still thought of her everyday, but.... i did not buy her a gift, we both knew it was going to be a rough day, she also had a family tragedy & had to go to oregon for a funeral, she asked if i would do her brakes & coolant before she left. wanted me to do it the day of our anniversary. i told her no I didn't think it was ok to see each other on that day. that was real hard for me but she needed to know that i had detached & was moving on without her. i also was accused of not loving her & even liking her, which is complete bullcrap. detach dude, no anniversary gifts or cards or flowers, you are not together right now/split up, give her nothing!! my 2 cents thats all


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Conrad said:


> https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


That was fast. Thanks!


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

our vision shattered said:


> my anniversay was on 8/22, she was with somebody & i was with somebody. i was happy but still thought of her everyday, but.... i did not buy her a gift, we both knew it was going to be a rough day, she also had a family tragedy & had to go to oregon for a funeral, she asked if i would do her brakes & coolant before she left. wanted me to do it the day of our anniversary. i told her no I didn't think it was ok to see each other on that day. that was real hard for me but she needed to know that i had detached & was moving on without her. i also was accused of not loving her & even liking her, which is complete bullcrap. detach dude, no anniversary gifts or cards or flowers, you are not together right now/split up, give her nothing!! my 2 cents thats all


The nicest of all nice guys on here has spoken. OVS has been to hell and back with his woman. Don't take his words lightly.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

spun said:


> The nicest of all nice guys on here has spoken. OVS has been to hell and back with his woman. Don't take his words lightly.


I don't think I will get her anything for our anniversary. She wouldn't even agree to sit in a room with me and the therapist to watch a DVD on marriage once a week. I'm 85% sure I will not give her anything.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Solon said:


> I I'm 85% sure I will not give her anything.


not good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

spun said:


> not good.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah. Maybe I should just leave it alone.

I'm listening to the music from our wedding. We had one of the most beautiful weddings. There was not a dry eye in the congregation. Beautiful. How can she walk away from all of what we been through? And for what? What really caused her to walk away?

Amazing...


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## SCondeck (Oct 5, 2012)

I think many of us are asking the same question, Solon. Why? Why when we provide them with everything, when we love, cherish, keep and protect them, give them their fairytale wedding and absolutely adore them, do they abandon us and walk away?


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

SCondeck said:


> I think many of us are asking the same question, Solon. Why? Why when we provide them with everything, when we love, cherish, keep and protect them, give them their fairytale wedding and absolutely adore them, do they abandon us and walk away?


Fairytale wedding it was! Literally. We had our reception on a boat then right after the reception we went home to consummate the wedding, fell asleep for a few hours, then caught a plane for our honeymoon. 

Now, all that is over and done. Amazing to me.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Solon said:


> Yeah. Maybe I should just leave it alone.
> 
> I'm listening to the music from our wedding. We had one of the most beautiful weddings. There was not a dry eye in the congregation. Beautiful. How can she walk away from all of what we been through? And for what? What really caused her to walk away?
> 
> Amazing...


Shes broken. You will probably never get an answer. She probably does not even know the real reason she feels compelled to run.

You can't fix this.

The sooner you realize it, the better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Solon said:


> Fairytale wedding it was! Literally. We had our reception on a boat then right after the reception we went home to consummate the wedding, fell asleep for a few hours, then caught a plane for our honeymoon.
> 
> Now, all that is over and done. Amazing to me.


When you give people everything, they tend to not value it.

The fantasy is that making it easy for someone will earn you love and appreciation.

The opposite is often true.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

I saw her today. I don't understand why she hates me so much. It is ridiculous. The PI has not found anything yet. He said she comes homes (where she is staying) goes to the gym and then comes back in for the night. They are going to see if anything happens with her this weekend.

I just wish we could be friends again. We were best friends and spent wonderful times together just up until the week she said the marriage was over. I don't understand it at all!!

My hope is that this temporary insanity will be lifted and soon. I cannot blame her too much. Earlier in the year, I was really tired of her. She frustrated the crap out of me. But I never cut her off. I knew that feelings come and go, but I stayed committed. She knows nothing about commitment. I can only pray something happens in her life to make her wake up. Meanwhile, beautiful days like this hurt---because we would have taken a long walk in the fall. Friday is our anniversary and it is going to kill me. She looks as though she has really moved on.

Still no divorce has been filed.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

What makes you think someone like her will actually take the time to file anything?


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Conrad said:


> What makes you think someone like her will actually take the time to file anything?


She is totally unpredictable right now. She walked away from a lot! If she wants to move on with her life it only seems natural that she will file for a divorce.

But I do not think she will. I believe she still loves me. I believe she is just really angry and is blinded by her anger. I believe she has allowed some people, namely her mother, to convince her to start over. I believe she has read the wrong material, the material that says if you are "not happy" to end your marriage and move on.

But I am holding on to the belief that she will snap out of it and come home. Until then----I just wait.


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## MisterRitter (Sep 1, 2012)

Solon said:


> But I am holding on to the belief that she will snap out of it and come home. Until then----I just wait.


What if that time never comes?


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Solon said:


> She is totally unpredictable right now. She walked away from a lot! If she wants to move on with her life it only seems natural that she will file for a divorce.
> 
> But I do not think she will. I believe she still loves me. I believe she is just really angry and is blinded by her anger. I believe she has allowed some people, namely her mother, to convince her to start over. I believe she has read the wrong material, the material that says if you are "not happy" to end your marriage and move on.
> 
> But I am holding on to the belief that she will snap out of it and come home. Until then----I just wait.


Enjoy your trip to hell.

You'll see what we are talking about sooner or later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

MisterRitter said:


> What if that time never comes?


I believe it will...sooner or later. But if it does not, I will have the peace of mind knowing I did everything I could do to save the marriage.


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## MisterRitter (Sep 1, 2012)

I wish you the best of luck, and as long as you are taking care of you properly that is what counts.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

MisterRitter said:


> I wish you the best of luck, and as long as you are taking care of you properly that is what counts.


Thank you. I am. I'm eating again, working out, sleeping. I still hurt, but I am focusing on positive thoughts only, keeping my mind clear of the things that bring pain. It's hard, but it is getting better.


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## Dubya (Oct 2, 2012)

Solon said:


> I totally agree. But it's our anniversary. One day out of a year. How can I ignore the day? I think for my own sanity I have to give something. I will be sick if I just ignored it. Now if we were divorced I would have no problems with ignoring the day. I don't know. I have 9 days to think it over.


If I could slap you in the back of the head...

Just don't do it. For your own sanity. Have some respect for yourself.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Solon said:


> She is totally unpredictable right now. She walked away from a lot! If she wants to move on with her life it only seems natural that she will file for a divorce.
> 
> But I do not think she will. I believe she still loves me. I believe she is just really angry and is blinded by her anger. I believe she has allowed some people, namely her mother, to convince her to start over. I believe she has read the wrong material, the material that says if you are "not happy" to end your marriage and move on.
> 
> But I am holding on to the belief that she will snap out of it and come home. Until then----I just wait.


It's clear you think you're dealing with a man.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Conrad said:


> It's clear you think you're dealing with a man.


LOL...in a lot of ways she is like a man.

When I think about how cold and callous she has treated me I really question my decision to wait on her. I mean, I called her today from a different phone number and as soon as I said, "Hey" she hung up on me. This woman treats me worse than trash. Left me at the hospital to walk home. Ignores me. Called the police on me. Tells me to my face this marriage is over and we should take what we learned and apply to our next relationship. I mean, what more can she do? Shoot me?

I spoke to one of her friends today. She said we both need counseling and I should take time to fix myself and that she is acting from hurt. I take full responsibility for not giving 100% into the marriage. I take full responsibility for not catering to her needs at all times. But I have done NOTHING to deserve this type of behavior. Nothing!

Maybe I am a glutton for pain. Maybe I love her because she treats me so bad. I need my self esteem back.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

She sounds like a keeper.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

spun said:


> She sounds like a keeper.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She is not. So why am I so bent on keeping her? Why am I going through so much pain with her? I don't understand.


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

Solon said:


> She is not. So why am I so bent on keeping her? Why am I going through so much pain with her? I don't understand.


The same reason I'm so hellbent on keeping my d0ucher of a husband. You think you need that normalcy, or whatever it is, to be happy. 

In the words of my little cousin, "it's time to chuck the deuces".

You can take my lead. Here I go.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

SCsweety81 said:


> The same reason I'm so hellbent on keeping my d0ucher of a husband. You think you need that normalcy, or whatever it is, to be happy.
> 
> In the words of my little cousin, "it's time to chuck the deuces".
> 
> You can take my lead. Here I go.


 I wish it were that easy for me. It should be. I am not a quitter.


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

Solon said:


> I wish it were that easy for me. It should be. I am not a quitter.


I'm not a quitter, either. I'm a realist.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Solon said:


> Why am I going through so much pain with her? I don't understand.


Because your a junkie..

You like your junk even though it is harming you.

You won't kick the addiction over night.

However, you are aware of your problem.

Thats the first step to recovery.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Solon said:


> LOL...in a lot of ways she is like a man.
> 
> When I think about how cold and callous she has treated me I really question my decision to wait on her. I mean, I called her today from a different phone number and as soon as I said, "Hey" she hung up on me. This woman treats me worse than trash. Left me at the hospital to walk home. Ignores me. Called the police on me. Tells me to my face this marriage is over and we should take what we learned and apply to our next relationship. I mean, what more can she do? Shoot me?
> 
> ...


Why are you focused on her 24/7?


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Why are you focused on her 24/7?


I don't know why! Maybe because she is my wife and she is treating me like trash. Maybe because she is my wife is not even holding a conversation with me...while going to church and praying. Maybe because I am alone and realize it. I don't know. Maybe because I feel the emptiness 24/7.


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## SCondeck (Oct 5, 2012)

I'm so sorry that your wife is being so cruel to you. I guess I am more fortunate in that since mine walked out on us, she's been civil. We've emailed twice in this past month and a half and that's only to discuss details of what she is going to take with her. In a way, I feel a little better about myself since I'm not constantly told I'm sick, I'm a liar, cheater, adulterer, non-christian, white trash, hate-filled POS. I realize now that I'm none of these things. 

Remove the poison Solon! The pain of your loss will be there regardless, unfortunately. If you stop talking to her, at least you can start feeling better about yourself. You KNOW what you have to do! We are men and that means that sometimes we have to do the necessary jobs even when we don't want to. 

Duty is the essence of manhood. - George Patton

You know what you have to do, Solon. Listen to the good General and do your duty!


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Solon said:


> Maybe because I am alone and realize it. I don't know. Maybe because I feel the emptiness 24/7.


You've got to start filling the emptiness you feel with something that feels meaningful to you, not just try to fill it with her. 

You're depending so much on her interaction for your happiness that it is a ton of pressure -- especially for someone who tends to run from closeness so often (your wife). That kind of thing can be smothering and it can get in the way of a relationship's natural progression.

The more you cling to her, the less the chances are that she will miss you and want to come back. You have got to build up your self-esteem and your sense of self now so that if/when you guys talk or interact, she sees something of the guy she fell in love with, not the guy that she is running from.

Your actions are somewhat codependent. Are you seeing a counselor at all? I recommend it. Having a safe space where you can talk about things like why you want to put up with her mistreatment might be helpful to you. You sound like you're hurting. Look for some balm somewhere that isn't her or another person; look for something in yourself or something that can help you be the guy you want to be.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Solon,

She can't miss you if you won't go away.

Have you ever seen the movie *Blue Valentine*?

It stars Ryan Gosling.

If you haven't, you should rent it tonight and watch it.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Solon,
> 
> She can't miss you if you won't go away.
> 
> ...


I will rent it tonight. Will give me something to do.

Thanks!


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

moxy said:


> You've got to start filling the emptiness you feel with something that feels meaningful to you, not just try to fill it with her.
> 
> You're depending so much on her interaction for your happiness that it is a ton of pressure -- especially for someone who tends to run from closeness so often (your wife). That kind of thing can be smothering and it can get in the way of a relationship's natural progression.
> 
> ...


You 100% correct. I need to step back so she can miss me, the man she married, the man she fell head over heels in love with. I need to convince myself that she is dead and that I cannot communicate with her at all. Starting today, MARK MY WORDS, I will NOT reach out to her EVER again. No more phone calls from other phones. No more texts from other phones. No more e-mail. Nothing! (I already ordered the flowers for our anniversary on Friday so there is nothing I can do about that) but I will not put a card or note on it at all. Or maybe I should try and cancel it. Maybe I should hit the town and meet people. Would I be wrong for that?


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Solon said:


> You 100% correct. I need to step back so she can miss me, the man she married, the man she fell head over heels in love with. I need to convince myself that she is dead and that I cannot communicate with her at all. Starting today, MARK MY WORDS, I will NOT reach out to her EVER again. No more phone calls from other phones. No more texts from other phones. No more e-mail. Nothing! (I already ordered the flowers for our anniversary on Friday so there is nothing I can do about that) but I will not put a card or note on it at all. Or maybe I should try and cancel it. Maybe I should hit the town and meet people. Would I be wrong for that?


Cancel the flowers...can't you see what you are doing to yourself with all this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

spun said:


> Cancel the flowers...can't you see what you are doing to yourself with all this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Uh...I really can't. What am I doing?


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

You are giving her the opportunity to reject you over and over again.

Isn't once enough?

How is that making you feel?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

spun said:


> You are giving her the opportunity to reject you over and over again.
> 
> Isn't once enough?
> 
> ...


Like trash. Like scum. Like the most worthless piece of feces on the earth. But I guess I do not consider how I feel, but how it will make her feel. She may feel disgusted by me giving her flowers on our anniversary because it will make her remember that she is married to me.

What a piece of work is man?!


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Solon said:


> Like trash. Like scum. Like the most worthless piece of feces on the earth. But I guess I do not consider how I feel, but how it will make her feel. She may feel disgusted by me giving her flowers on our anniversary because it will make her remember that she is married to me.
> 
> What a piece of work is man?!


So you want to make her feel disgusted?

That will bring her right back into your arms.

Have you found yourself a therapist?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

spun said:


> So you want to make her feel disgusted?
> 
> That will bring her right back into your arms.
> 
> ...


Meeting with him today. I don't think I am going to send the flowers to her. I already paid for them so I will find someone else to send them to. She is starting to get me upset. I am one of the most confident people you will ever meet. She has me feeling down. She is NOT worth it. She was a 10 when we met 11 years ago, now she is about a 5. I am going to go out and find someone else.....where do I look????:scratchhead:


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Solon said:


> Meeting with him today. I don't think I am going to send the flowers to her. I already paid for them so I will find someone else to send them to. She is starting to get me upset. I am one of the most confident people you will ever meet. She has me feeling down. She is NOT worth it. She was a 10 when we met 11 years ago, now she is about a 5. I am going to go out and find someone else.....where do I look????:scratchhead:


Now is the worst time to try to "find" anyone or anything - except you.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Yes, my mind is made up. She gets no flowers from me. I was going to give her back her engagement ring that she gave to me too. Not any more. I will sell it or give it to someone else who is more deserving. UGH!!! She had the nerve to hang up on me...in my face! The nerve to block my, MY phone number! To walk out of OUR house! She has definitely lost her mind. I am getting angrier and angrier just thinking about all of this. 

Arise black vengeance from they hollow hell! Yield up, O love, thy crown and hearted throne to tyrannous hate! Swell, bosom, with thy fraught, for m heart feels like it's full of poisonous snakes!

Had to quote the Bard for that...


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Now is the worst time to try to "find" anyone or anything - except you.


I just found me....


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Solon said:


> I just found me....


It's not quite that easy.

Imagine another relationship just like this one - with the same outcome.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Conrad said:


> It's not quite that easy.
> 
> Imagine another relationship just like this one - with the same outcome.


Impossible! First off, there is not another woman alive as screwed up as she is. Second, I know what I did wrong and where I was not catering and loving the way I should have. Third, there is not another woman alive as screwed up as she is.

Any other woman would appreciate the hard work and determination and love that I give, my willingness to communicate and understand my woman. A repeat? Never. Even if the "next woman" fell out of love with me, she would not leave. This crazy woman walked out on, like an old lady from our church said, "things what most women will kill for." She's a joke.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Solon said:


> Meeting with him today. I don't think I am going to send the flowers to her. I already paid for them so I will find someone else to send them to. She is starting to get me upset. I am one of the most confident people you will ever meet. She has me feeling down. She is NOT worth it. She was a 10 when we met 11 years ago, now she is about a 5. I am going to go out and find someone else.....where do I look????:scratchhead:


If you've already paid for them and cannot return them for a refund, have them sent to yourself. Stick them on your coffee table or someplace you will see them. Or, send them to your mother, in case she might like them. Do NOT send them to your wife. 

At the moment, she does not want your advances. If she is disgusted by them, then your unwanted advances are gross. Grossing her out is not a way to get her to want you. Back away from the romantic gestures.

Calling and texting her from other phones in an effort to trick her into taking your call is going to make her see you as a stalker. I don't think that's going to make her want to be with you. If you want to say something to her email it to her and let it be. Wait a while before attempting to contact her again.

Your anger is a little out of control there. Black vengenace and tyrannous hate over her walking away? Calm down. Leaving you is not some kind of insult or offense. Hanging up on you might be rude, but it's the quickest way to avoid a fight and you sound like you're upset and looking to quarrel. She apparently didn't think things were working. If you want them to work, this indignant self-entitled attitude won't help you to change her mind.

Do not go chasing another woman right now to replace your wife. Try and work on your emotions and settle down a bit, first. Work on yourself. 

How old are you? How long have you and your wife been married? 

What were the circumstances of her leaving -- did she feel neglected? did you cheat on her? is she interested in someone else? was there a lot of fighting and conflict?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

[...just shakes head...]


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

moxy said:


> If you've already paid for them and cannot return them for a refund, have them sent to yourself. Stick them on your coffee table or someplace you will see them. Or, send them to your mother, in case she might like them. Do NOT send them to your wife.
> 
> At the moment, she does not want your advances. If she is disgusted by them, then your unwanted advances are gross. Grossing her out is not a way to get her to want you. Back away from the romantic gestures.
> 
> ...


I didn't call to quarrel. I haven't quarreled with her in months. My tone was subdued and calm. I speak with her only with soft words. Her behavior is totally unwarranted and disgusting. No more!! She even so much as look at me, I'm going OFF! On her and any of her other stupid friends. I've had enough of her and her childish ways. She's about to be 39 years old talking about, "I don't know myself." If she don't know herself by now she never will. Talking to her was like talking to a monkey. Seriously, she was one of the dumbest people I have ever met in my life. And I tried to make her feel like a genius. Everything good I did I would say that "we" did it. Ugh


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

She tried to kill me and I smiled and kept quiet. How do you leave a man at his lowest hour to walk 20 miles on the free to get home...at night? This B so crazy she was worried sick that she was pregnant...when we had not had sex in a month, she is on the pill, and she was on her period. "It can happen." No it can't, Dummy! Your name is not Mary. How dumb can you get? But no, I held her and said, "we'll wait and see, Baby." Of course she wasn't.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Solon said:


> Impossible! First off, there is not another woman alive as screwed up as she is. Second, I know what I did wrong and where I was not catering and loving the way I should have. Third, there is not another woman alive as screwed up as she is.
> 
> Any other woman would appreciate the hard work and determination and love that I give, my willingness to communicate and understand my woman. A repeat? Never. Even if the "next woman" fell out of love with me, she would not leave. This crazy woman walked out on, like an old lady from our church said, "things what most women will kill for." She's a joke.


Oh really. I guess you have not had a good look around this board.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Solon said:


> I didn't call to quarrel. I haven't quarreled with her in months. My tone was subdued and calm. I speak with her only with soft words. Her behavior is totally unwarranted and disgusting. No more!! She even so much as look at me, I'm going OFF! On her and any of her other stupid friends. I've had enough of her and her childish ways. She's about to be 39 years old talking about, "I don't know myself." If she don't know herself by now she never will. Talking to her was like talking to a monkey. Seriously, she was one of the dumbest people I have ever met in my life. And I tried to make her feel like a genius. Everything good I did I would say that "we" did it. Ugh


If it makes you feel any better, I was just as prideful and egocentric as you are when I was 40.

You see, the objective here isn't to blame her. It's to assess yourself. I guarantee you some serious revelations await you - if you have the courage to face them.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

So yesterday you were willing to wait for her, but today you are ready to "find someone new". 

You are blaming her for being crazy instead of sitting back and trying to see the "why" as to why she left. If the PI hasn't found evidence of cheating, its not another man. And if you are so great and treat her so well, why would she leave?

Are you just extremely upset b/c she doesn't' want to be with you anymore? Rejection does suck and makes you feel like crap. But during this crap is the best time to do some soul searching and figure out what you may have done to help contribute to the deterioration of the marriage.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> So yesterday you were willing to wait for her, but today you are ready to "find someone new".
> 
> You are blaming her for being crazy instead of sitting back and trying to see the "why" as to why she left. If the PI hasn't found evidence of cheating, its not another man. And if you are so great and treat her so well, why would she leave?
> 
> Are you just extremely upset b/c she doesn't' want to be with you anymore? Rejection does suck and makes you feel like crap. But during this crap is the best time to do some soul searching and figure out what you may have done to help contribute to the deterioration of the marriage.


I know exactly what I did to hurt her. Am I perfect? No one is. But did I do anything that warrants her treating me like this? Absolutely not.

I'm done with her.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Sounds like she is done with you....

But glad you won't take her back to repeat this cycle she has.


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## Dreald (Aug 30, 2012)

Your wife sounds eerily similar to mine. And I exhibited a lot of the traits and feelings you did as well. While we were not married as long as you (only 14 months and started MC 6 months into it), I'm now at a place where I simply want to move on. She was extremely controlling, often critical, selfish and not very empathetic. But for some reason I was resistant to letting her go. 

We tried to reconcile several times but every time she brought up issues in our past. I allowed her to control or influence my responses. Things did not go well.

Now I am at a better place. I recognize my NMMNG aspects and somewhat co-dependency issues and working on bettering myself. I can't control how she acts or feels, I can only work on myself so as not to repeat the same mistake again. This has helped me enormously in recognizing what I can control and focus on and not focus on what I wanted to see happen with her.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Solon said:


> Impossible! First off, there is not another woman alive as screwed up as she is.


I'm actually laughing reading this.

Have you read this board?


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Conrad said:


> I'm actually laughing reading this.
> 
> Have you read this board?


So my therapist said sending her flowers for the anniversary is not a good idea. Both therapists said that. (Yes, I'm seeing two. Always good to have a second opinion). One said don't send anything the other said an innocent card that I mail saying, "Hope you had a good day today" Will be the way to go.

Other than that, I am leaving her alone. As I said, no more texts or any form of communication.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Solon said:


> So my therapist said sending her flowers for the anniversary is not a good idea. Both therapists said that. (Yes, I'm seeing two. Always good to have a second opinion). One said don't send anything the other said an innocent card that I mail saying, "Hope you had a good day today" Will be the way to go.
> 
> Other than that, I am leaving her alone. As I said, no more texts or any form of communication.


The western world is literally FILLED with these kinds of people.

Being able to avoid them is the BEST reason to work on yourself.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Conrad said:


> The western world is literally FILLED with these kinds of people.
> 
> Being able to avoid them is the BEST reason to work on yourself.


That phrase "work on yourself" it's....I don't know, somewhat annoying to me. What does that mean exactly? Work on yourself. Does it mean find yourself? I know who I am. I know what I have done to hurt my wife. I cannot go back and undo what I have done. Does it simply mean get therapy? I'm doing that. In fact, I have two therapist. Why don't people just say, "get therapy"? Or is working on yourself something more than just therapy? Does it mean ignoring the pain and not thinking about the fact that the person closest to you is voluntarily choosing not to be with you? Then that is mind tricks and teaching yourself an illusion. Does it mean working out and eating well? I have always done that and do not plan on stopping now.

Work on yourself. Hmmm...treating yourself like you are the only person on earth? I don't know. When I hear that I think of doing some work on you, the person, like a mechanic works on a car. But what needs fixing on me other than my broken heart? And what can fix that, what can heal that other than time? Other than my wife coming back home telling me she is sorry for leaving and she is ready to join me in counseling and working on the marriage. What else can fix a broken heart save time only? If you believe in God then you have to believe that He saw this coming and allowed it for some reason we do not know. So will He "fix" it? He allowed it to happen and obviously thinks it needed to be broken for some reason. So I don't know.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Have you always been an angry person?


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Have you always been an angry person?


Not at all. Very peaceful, serene person.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Have you always been an angry person?


I guess since my wife has left me and is saying the marriage is over I am angry----but the underlying emotion is hurt. So I guess your question is, have I always been a hurt person? The answer is no.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Solon said:


> I guess since my wife has left me and is saying the marriage is over I am angry----but the underlying emotion is hurt. So I guess your question is, have I always been a hurt person? The answer is no.


I think you'll find out differently in therapy.

I know I did.

(That's what is meant by working on yourself. Even though I know you took the term as an insult)


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Conrad said:


> I think you'll find out differently in therapy.
> 
> I know I did.
> 
> (That's what is meant by working on yourself. Even though I know you took the term as an insult)


I didn't take it as insult, Conrad. I have heard it so often and was wondering exactly what it meant. So far, the therapist has not picked up on any anger issues with me.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Solon said:


> I didn't take it as insult, Conrad. I have heard it so often and was wondering exactly what it meant. So far, the therapist has not picked up on any anger issues with me.


Print this thread and let him read it.

If he doesn't see anger there, find a different counselor.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Print this thread and let him read it.
> 
> If he doesn't see anger there, find a different counselor.


I said he has not picked up any "anger issues," not that he has not picked up any anger. Of course there is anger. Anger is a natural human emotion. If a man's wife left him all of a sudden and he did not feel any anger or hurt he either 1) is dead or 2) did not love his wife and wanted her gone.

There is a time for everything under the sun. When a wife leaves you or cheats on you getting angry and/or is appropriate. But that does not mean there are "anger issues."


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Solon said:


> I said he has not picked up any "anger issues," not that he has not picked up any anger. Of course there is anger. Anger is a natural human emotion. If a man's wife left him all of a sudden and he did not feel any anger or hurt he either 1) is dead or 2) did not love his wife and wanted her gone.
> 
> There is a time for everything under the sun. When a wife leaves you or cheats on you getting angry and/or is appropriate. But that does not mean there are "anger issues."


Look harder.

Codependents are filled with rage - especially when their best efforts are rejected by the "ungrateful". Read your own words.

There is no way you should have put yourself in position to be trashed like this. And, yes, that mistake is on you to own.

Remember, you are talking with a recovering codependent.

I'm not going to allow you to go into denial.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Look harder.
> 
> Codependents are filled with rage - especially when their best efforts are rejected by the "ungrateful". Read your own words.
> 
> ...


 Thanks for not allowing me.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Solon said:


> Thanks for not allowing me.


What you choose to do with the truth is your call.

Good luck to you.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sounds like victim competition.


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

Sounds like another codependent. Why don't they love me when I've tried so hard. No one wants to be married to someone that is desperate. They want a partner that could live with or without them. That's the confidence that it takes to have a healthy marriage.

I'm not saying I've got it yet, but I'm working on it


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Zappy882000 said:


> I can't believe what you just wrote - If you read my story you will cry tears of blood, not only my wife aborted my 6 month child but also forced me to file for divorce, produced false witnesses at court to take protection orders against me which the judge dismissed listening to her lies, got money from me, threatened me with sever legal action, basically destryoed me. And still I am going after her because I love her so much, I tried to call her from an unknown number and as soon as I said Hello she hung up on me. Our baby's due date was Oct 30 this month but she killed our first baby.
> So when I saw your post my eyes filled with tears and Ithought to myself what did I do to deserve this, why is it my fault if I love her so much. How could she be so callous that she could ignore 4 years that she spent with me knowing how much i cared for her and loved her.
> The only bad thing she hasn't done to me so far is shoot me rest she has done everything wickedly possible. If you get a chance could you please send me your number at [email protected] so atleast I could talk to you and come to peace.
> I am just a dead soul nothing else and often look in the sky at God and ask him Why did it happen to me.
> ...


Oh my! Call me...202-253-1897


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## SCondeck (Oct 5, 2012)

"Sounds like victim competition."

The woman you vowed to have and to hold until death do you part, the woman you've made a life with, given everything to/for, the woman who has your heart and has become a part of your soul suddenly abandons you. And in one case, murders your unborn child. This is victim competition? Riiiiiiiiight.

I understand what you're trying to do Conrad. As a former codependent you're trying to make the "suck it up and get over it" point. I get that. But sometimes all people want is someplace to vent and talk about their issues. And being abandoned by a loved one and having your child murdered is a valid issue, in my opinion.

Sometimes comments like suck it up, get over it or victim competition don't help. Just saying.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

SCondeck said:


> "Sounds like victim competition."
> 
> The woman you vowed to have and to hold until death do you part, the woman you've made a life with, given everything to/for, the woman who has your heart and has become a part of your soul suddenly abandons you. And in one case, murders your unborn child. This is victim competition? Riiiiiiiiight.
> 
> ...


Have you read this entire thread?

These two guys are convinced that what's happened to them is entirely unfair and unique.

Guess what?

They need to take stock of how much of this is self-inflicted. They're in for a real surprise if they're courageous enough to look.

That's a far cry from "suck it up".


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Zappy882000 said:


> Brother Conrad and Scondek - It is infact a tragedy that happened to me. Today is the 107th day my wife left me and every second since she left me on July 1st - I cry for her and for our lost baby.
> I used to make her fresh fruit juice every alternate day so our baby could grow beautiful, will pack her lunch and give her so much fruits everyday, but what did I get in return, a lost baby.
> Sofia would have been so beautiful.....I can't come to terms that my baby is gone forever....it was so unimaginable


And, you want her back.

I take it there were never any consequences for her shabby treatment of you.

We do teach others how to treat us.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

solon/Zappy,

Both of you are missing the point of what Conrad is trying to say. The very reactions you are having to the situations are an exact product of how you have treated yourself through your relationships. Look, I know pain. I've lived it. Wallowing in it does one thing, it keeps you in pain. Now, there will be times of grief and sorrow. 

But, the main question is, life is a lesson, what have I learned from this? What can I learn from this? You cannot control another's thoughts, actions, or words, but you can manage yourself. You have an opportunity to use this. Use this to become a better person that you would have been if you didn't go through it. Someone down the road is going to need you to help them up when they go through this. There is a purpose to this. Find that, and you find your identity. When you find your identity, you won't have near the pain and she will look much less appealing in your eyes. Work hard to get there. Please.

And take down your personal contact info off a public forum on the internet. Now.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Zappy882000 said:


> I am so with you, I feel so lonely without my wife, I miss going out to movies with her, cooking with her, cuddling her, touching her, loving her, watching Friends with her. I don't have anybody in the whole country except her as I'm from India. NO family at all so I feel lonlier than ever.
> Solon - I relate myself so much with you big brother, I'm only 31 and have felt so much pain that is indescribable. Called you and left you a voicemail, call me if you have a moment.
> I've already forgiven my wife for whatever she did b/c I truly believe in the covenant of marriage and want to grow old with my beloved wife.


I know it is hard. Believe me. I feel your pain. Call me back when you a minute.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Zappy, why in the world would you be down on your knees begging a person like her to come back? You need to be down on your knees thanking God that you don't have to put up with her sorry arse any longer.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Zappy882000 said:


> Meet my wife, she is 100 times more wicked than your wife.


I wonder why this appears like a competition to me?


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> I wish God had given me a strong heart but b/c she hovers in my mind 24x7, I've degraded my self to the lowest point (nadir)
> I don't know why can't I be strong?


He gave everyone the same heart. It is scriptural, that everyone gets the same measure of faith. Faith, hope, love are like a muscle. You don't use them, you lose them. You haven't worked out in the area in quite sometime as you have relied on your spouse to give you those things. It's time to start getting in shape.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

D2H,

In many ways, Zappy's and Solon's partners have given them an incredible break.

They don't have to spend months (or years) in limbo while trying to figure out how to get their wives to love them again.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Conrad said:


> D2H,
> 
> In many ways, Zappy's and Solon's partners have given them an incredible break.
> 
> They don't have to spend months (or years) in limbo while trying to figure out how to get their wives to love them again.


Bahahahahaha! So true. Gosh guys, you really don't understand. Try 1.8 years of agony staring you in the face everyday.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Conrad said:


> D2H,
> 
> In many ways, Zappy's and Solon's partners have given them an incredible break.
> 
> They don't have to spend months (or years) in limbo while trying to figure out how to get their wives to love them again.


But they still will try it anyway.

This is one that most of us need to learn for ourselves.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

I have not made contact with her all week. Friday was difficult because it was our anniversary and no, I did not send her anything; not a card, not flowers, not a letter--nothing! She has not heard from me since Monday. I am not contacting her again. She is a devil. To run and turn her back on me and the kids, the house, everything is COLD! She is an abuser and she will have to deal with her own demons. I have done all I can do and more. I am done.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Solon said:


> I have not made contact with her all week. Friday was difficult because it was our anniversary and no, I did not send her anything; not a card, not flowers, not a letter--nothing! She has not heard from me since Monday. I am not contacting her again. She is a devil. To run and turn her back on me and the kids, the house, everything is COLD! She is an abuser and she will have to deal with her own demons. I have done all I can do and more. I am done.


Have you printed this thread and taken it to your counselor?


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Have you printed this thread and taken it to your counselor?


No.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Solon said:


> No.


Do it.


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## pseudonym (Aug 19, 2012)

Solon said:


> Friday was difficult because it was our anniversary and no, I did not send her anything; not a card, not flowers, not a letter--nothing! She has not heard from me since Monday.


Good job, sir. That was the right move.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Well done Solon... And you might want to remove your phone number in your other post


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## Dubya (Oct 2, 2012)

You have the right attitude now to get you through this! Happy for you. 

One thing you should realize: it's not that you are done with her because she's cold, but because you have better things to do. Until then it's still about her...


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Do it.


No.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

pseudonym said:


> Good job, sir. That was the right move.


Thanks. I am getting stronger each day. I have been blessed with so much. I would love to have my wife back, but not the way she was before. I hope she is using this time to better herself. I am using this time to better myself. If she comes back, we will need to go to counseling together. If she does not, then life goes on.

Thank you all for being there while I vented. It really helped.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Solon said:


> Thanks. I am getting stronger each day. I have been blessed with so much. I would love to have my wife back, but not the way she was before. I hope she is using this time to better herself. I am using this time to better myself. If she comes back, we will need to go to counseling together. If she does not, then life goes on.
> 
> Thank you all for being there while I vented. It really helped.


Glad to hear you are gaining strength.

Expect some setbacks. The you that you have been will make an appearance.

When that guy appears, acknowledge him and get back on course.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

venting on here saved most of what i would've said to her, way better here even with all the tough love i've experienced. most of what i've learned on here from my supporters is also what i've been told in my ic. good job on gaining strength. it's weird though, as time passes we start seeing all the crazy sh1t our spouses say & have put us through. makes me wonder why i dealt with as much as i did & why the hell didn't i leave a long time ago


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Solon said:


> No.


Difficult to help those who refuse to help themselves.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Difficult to help those who refuse to help themselves.


Not difficult. Impossible. If one does not "take up his bed and walk" he/she will never walk. Fortunately enough for me, I am talking and self-disclosing enough with my therapists that I do not need to print out this thread to get the help I need.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Solon said:


> Not difficult. Impossible. If one does not "take up his bed and walk" he/she will never walk. Fortunately enough for me, I am talking and self-disclosing enough with my therapists that I do not need to print out this thread to get the help I need.


Full speed ahead.

Good luck with codependency.


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## kitkat1 (Sep 14, 2011)

Solon: I read your thread the entire way through and at times I was laughing at the things you said and then Spun and Conrad would bring you back to reality....that is awesome advice you both gave him and you stuck with him thru the whole thing.

Solon - I see myself in you and reading this today has inspired me to try to make a change this time. My husband is exactly like your wife....a quitter in life, a runner and a coward. When life gets to complicated - run for it....I could never do that to my spouse. Funny how it's always in October - must be something about October? For 9 years I have dealt with this...every fight he packs up and runs for the door - gone for a week then back and I take him back every time like a doormat fool.

Be strong and know that you are not alone...everyone goes through heartache, rejection and disappointment. I am 2 weeks now with my husband gone and I cry every night...I hate the nights. I am in counseling and I have met with an attorney. I would definitely say I am a codependent person as well. It's hard because you don't think giving someone everything you hav and everything you think they need is wrong, but you do have to be able to set boundaries with people or they get greedy and start taking advantage of you -that's how I always felt anyways. I was his rescuer and meal ticket. Be strong, take advantage of this time to do things that you enjoy, meet people you have neglected due to this selfish relationship you were in and try to accept that there was nothing you could have done to prevent what is happening - just learn to set better boundaries in the next relationship. I do think once she see's you moving on she will try to come back. Will you want her back and take the risk she will do it again? You hang in there....my heart feels your pain.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

kitkat1 said:


> Solon: I read your thread the entire way through and at times I was laughing at the things you said and then Spun and Conrad would bring you back to reality....that is awesome advice you both gave him and you stuck with him thru the whole thing.
> 
> Solon - I see myself in you and reading this today has inspired me to try to make a change this time. My husband is exactly like your wife....a quitter in life, a runner and a coward. When life gets to complicated - run for it....I could never do that to my spouse. Funny how it's always in October - must be something about October? For 9 years I have dealt with this...every fight he packs up and runs for the door - gone for a week then back and I take him back every time like a doormat fool.
> 
> Be strong and know that you are not alone...everyone goes through heartache, rejection and disappointment. I am 2 weeks now with my husband gone and I cry every night...I hate the nights. I am in counseling and I have met with an attorney. I would definitely say I am a codependent person as well. It's hard because you don't think giving someone everything you hav and everything you think they need is wrong, but you do have to be able to set boundaries with people or they get greedy and start taking advantage of you -that's how I always felt anyways. I was his rescuer and meal ticket. Be strong, take advantage of this time to do things that you enjoy, meet people you have neglected due to this selfish relationship you were in and try to accept that there was nothing you could have done to prevent what is happening - just learn to set better boundaries in the next relationship. I do think once she see's you moving on she will try to come back. Will you want her back and take the risk she will do it again? You hang in there....my heart feels your pain.


Thanks. Oh! How I wish I read this yesterday!

So...sorry to report, but I had a breakdown yesterday. I was doing so well. I am not sure what happened. Next thing I know I was on my way to her job. Of course, she would not come out to see me, not even for a minute. I spoke with her supervisor (who I know). She said that my wife would not come out even for one minute to speak to me. She is being told by someone not to have any contact with me whatsoever! I was doing so well. Now it is back to square one. I called her and left her a voice message telling her that I'm fine that it is over, but please stop spreading lies about me to justify your own behavior. Stop telling people there was another woman. Stop telling people I admitted it. Stop telling people I put you out. Tell people the truth; you wanted out because you wanted out. "Thank you."

So now I am back to no contact. I was so pissed I almost filed for divorce today.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Man, you don't see it now but you are going to be so much better without her craziness in your life.

Just work on you long and hard so you don't end up with another girl just like her.

Believe me, you will if don't fix yourself first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

spun said:


> Man, you don't see it now but you are going to be so much better without her craziness in your life.
> 
> Just work on you long and hard so you don't end up with another girl just like her.
> 
> ...


I'm working on it, Man. I really am. But I love my wife. I cannot deny it. But I have to let go and not act on my impulses. I have to learn to be patient. I have to learn to let go (which is SO hard for me). I don't like to let go. I have a creative mind and I believe that when there is a will there is a way. But in this situation, there is nothing I can do. Accepting that is the most difficult thing for me. Then, the thought of another man having sex with my wife is especially hard. But I have to deal with that reality. Life can really stink sometimes.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Solon said:


> I'm working on it, Man. I really am. But I love my wife. I cannot deny it. But I have to let go and not act on my impulses. I have to learn to be patient. I have to learn to let go (which is SO hard for me). I don't like to let go. I have a creative mind and I believe that when there is a will there is a way. But in this situation, there is nothing I can do. Accepting that is the most difficult thing for me. Then, the thought of another man having sex with my wife is especially hard. But I have to deal with that reality. Life can really stink sometimes.


The best thing to do in this case is exactly the opposite of what your brain is telling you.

You do absolutely nothing.

Have you gotten a copy of "Codependent No More" yet?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

spun said:


> The best thing to do in this case is exactly the opposite of what your brain is telling you.
> 
> You do absolutely nothing.
> 
> ...


No, I have not. 

How do you let go? How do you deal with your wife sleeping with someone else? Loving someone else?


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Solon said:


> No, I have not.
> 
> How do you let go? How do you deal with your wife sleeping with someone else? Loving someone else?


You learn how to love yourself by recovering from codependence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

spun said:


> You learn how to love yourself by recovering from codependence.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But I love myself though.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Solon said:


> But I love myself though.


Keep reading, brother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Solon said:


> But I love myself though.


It's not discernible.

Your actions the other day indicate there is much work to be done.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

spun said:


> Keep reading, brother.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So what? Now I don't love myself? And I'm too blind or dumb to realize it? Is it possible that I love myself, but I should love her better than I love myself?


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Solon said:


> So what? Now I don't love myself? And I'm too blind or dumb to realize it? Is it possible that I love myself, but I should love her better than I love myself?


Do you feel like she "completes you"?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Solon said:


> So what? Now I don't love myself? And I'm too blind or dumb to realize it? Is it possible that I love myself, but I should love her better than I love myself?


Why did you go to her workplace?


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

spun said:


> Do you feel like she "completes you"?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


LOL...heck no! I feel like she is out to kill me.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

So you like to abuse yourself?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

spun said:


> So you like to abuse yourself?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He just feels an overwhelming need to go plead with someone who "wants to kill him"


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

spun said:


> So you like to abuse yourself?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, I am not a sadist.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Conrad said:


> He just feels an overwhelming need to go plead with someone who "wants to kill him"


LOL....not feel the need to plead with her, just feel the need for answers. I feel the need to talk with her to find out where her head is and why she is doing what will only hurt her in the long run. But she does not want to talk. She is getting advised not to talk to me. So....such is life.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

The more you try to talk to her, the less she will want to.

Your best approach would be to go dark. Don't talk to her, text her, email her....

Leave her alone. After a few days it will probably drive her crazy.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> The more you try to talk to her, the less she will want to.
> 
> Your best approach would be to go dark. Don't talk to her, text her, email her....
> 
> Leave her alone. After a few days it will probably drive her crazy.


Did it for a week. I am back to going dark. I think she is seeing someone now. :scratchhead:


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## kitkat1 (Sep 14, 2011)

Solon - trust me I have to literally bite my tongue and hold myself back from wanting to text or call my soon to be ex-husband...I screw up all the time and do it anyways. It hurts....it's painful to be rejected by someone that is 1/2 the person you probably are....it hits the ego hard....trust me I KNOW! When I think of how many things I did for that man and his daughter, and all the sacrafices I made to my own children's needs to make sure their needs were met, I was always the mediator making sure everyone was happy, I bent over backwards and did more for them than I can believe right now. And for what? To be left anyways by a selfish person...who obviously must have another woman on the side to drop me like that.

It hurts, BUT this is not about you - It's about her being a selfish person. My husband is not talking to me either....I think it's because they are full of guilt and they think by going silent and running away will solve all that guilt.....Well it wont - they have to look in the mirror at themselves knowing how much they have hurt other people. Karma will come back to them....maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow - but it will.

I hope that you file for divorce....give her what she wants so badly. I know my husband thinks I love him so much that I would never file for divorce - he thinks he can come and go in and out of my life and I will always cry and beg him back, and why would he think any differently because that is what I have done for the past 9 years. Well not this time. I met with an Attorney and he is going to have one big surprise coming to him. I think that is the shock they need to snap them out of their selfish destructive ways. I originally wanted to file for a separation but it seemed more compllicated and more expensive. It feels rushed, I still have that eternal hope he will come to his senses but I'm starting to realize as more days go by that is not going to happen. I guess if he signs those paper than I have my answer - he is a quitter and does not care about me or our marriage and I do not want to spend one more minute with a quiting, selfish coward. I hope you file for divorce - shake her up a little...but you do need to not go to her work again or call her.....everyone is right about that. Hang in there ((big hugs)) kat


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

kitkat1 said:


> Solon - trust me I have to literally bite my tongue and hold myself back from wanting to text or call my soon to be ex-husband...I screw up all the time and do it anyways. It hurts....it's painful to be rejected by someone that is 1/2 the person you probably are....it hits the ego hard....trust me I KNOW! When I think of how many things I did for that man and his daughter, and all the sacrafices I made to my own children's needs to make sure their needs were met, I was always the mediator making sure everyone was happy, I bent over backwards and did more for them than I can believe right now. And for what? To be left anyways by a selfish person...who obviously must have another woman on the side to drop me like that.
> 
> It hurts, BUT this is not about you - It's about her being a selfish person. My husband is not talking to me either....I think it's because they are full of guilt and they think by going silent and running away will solve all that guilt.....Well it wont - they have to look in the mirror at themselves knowing how much they have hurt other people. Karma will come back to them....maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow - but it will.
> 
> I hope that you file for divorce....give her what she wants so badly. I know my husband thinks I love him so much that I would never file for divorce - he thinks he can come and go in and out of my life and I will always cry and beg him back, and why would he think any differently because that is what I have done for the past 9 years. Well not this time. I met with an Attorney and he is going to have one big surprise coming to him. I think that is the shock they need to snap them out of their selfish destructive ways. I originally wanted to file for a separation but it seemed more compllicated and more expensive. It feels rushed, I still have that eternal hope he will come to his senses but I'm starting to realize as more days go by that is not going to happen. I guess if he signs those paper than I have my answer - he is a quitter and does not care about me or our marriage and I do not want to spend one more minute with a quiting, selfish coward. I hope you file for divorce - shake her up a little...but you do need to not go to her work again or call her.....everyone is right about that. Hang in there ((big hugs)) kat


Thanks Kat. I do not plan on going to her job any more AT ALL! Neither do I plan on texting her or calling her. I am going dark, like someone alluded to earlier.

He sounds like he has really hurt you. I am sorry you are dealing with this. Divorces are rough. Have a good support system around you. You have everyone on here to help you as well. Be strong.


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## kitkat1 (Sep 14, 2011)

Yes I am trying to be strong. The problem is when they call and come circling around - what do you do then. Mine came today and I was speechless. He started with do you want to talk? I wanted to say, yes like 11 days ago! I told him I was at work and it wasn't a good time but he could call me later. He went into, I'm working double and tripple time to pay my bills, it will never work, now your family hates me, I'm working nights you are working days, blah blah blah. Anxiety must be kicking in.....

I texted him later and said look....You made the choice to run out on me yet again and all of these problems you are having you have brought upon yourself. I'm open to talking to you because I love you, but I'm thinking alot now about your and my future here and when we get close to 50 and 55 and 60 when health issues will start to happen and you need someone as your partner who you know you can count on and who is committed to the relationship and will be there in the long run. I asked him if you take off now where are you going to be in 5 years? Still running in and out of relationships at 50 years old? You cannont have one foot in and one foot out of our marriage - at this point you are either in or out......

I left it at that and now silence.....My gosh this is exhausting mentally...kat


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

kitkat1 said:


> Yes I am trying to be strong. The problem is when they call and come circling around - what do you do then. Mine came today and I was speechless. He started with do you want to talk? I wanted to say, yes like 11 days ago! I told him I was at work and it wasn't a good time but he could call me later. He went into, I'm working double and tripple time to pay my bills, it will never work, now your family hates me, I'm working nights you are working days, blah blah blah. Anxiety must be kicking in.....
> 
> I texted him later and said look....You made the choice to run out on me yet again and all of these problems you are having you have brought upon yourself. I'm open to talking to you because I love you, but I'm thinking alot now about your and my future here and when we get close to 50 and 55 and 60 when health issues will start to happen and you need someone as your partner who you know you can count on and who is committed to the relationship and will be there in the long run. I asked him if you take off now where are you going to be in 5 years? Still running in and out of relationships at 50 years old? You cannont have one foot in and one foot out of our marriage - at this point you are either in or out......
> 
> I left it at that and now silence.....My gosh this is exhausting mentally...kat


Wow...yeah, I would not want to get that age and still be dealing with the back and forth. I am trying so hard to let go. The more I reason it out the more I realize that she is not for me. She has degraded me down to nothing. I heard she told someone that I am not marriage material, I am a poor communicator, I am immature, and I have low self esteem. All of these are the opposite of who I am. Just thinking about makes me want to call her and read to her the e-mails to me where she said, "You have such an effective way of communicating....you are the greatest catch a woman can have...you are mature way beyond your age.....you have way too much confidence, but I love it." She is psycho.


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## kitkat1 (Sep 14, 2011)

Solon: I went back and re-read when you originally posted which was on Oct. 8th - 2 days before my husband left. Why do you care so much about what she is saying about you? She is a victim remember? These people love to play the victim - she can't tell her family and friends that she is a cheating, lying affair ***** who can't commit to a relationship? What would they think of her? It is much easier for her to paint you as that ugly insecure person because she couldn't possibly look that deep within herself to see her real flaws.....Stop focusing on her....Stop reading old emails and get yourself out there - anywhere but away from focusing so much on her. She is screwed up. You need to listen to everyone who is telling you to GO SILENT....live your life like this is not really happening....post pictures on facebook like you are going about life as normal. It doesn't matter what she says about you - you know the truth, your family and friends to as well. My best thing is I have a really busy job - once I'm at work my focus shuts off him and onto my job and I stay in that mindset till the evening. You sound like you went through some of the grief and transferred to mad but you are made at the wrong things. Your are mad at what she is saying about you - you should be mad about what she is doing to your marriage....then you might grieve a little more....then you might just wake up one day and be done with all this drama.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

And you are codependent


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

kitkat1 said:


> Solon: I went back and re-read when you originally posted which was on Oct. 8th - 2 days before my husband left. Why do you care so much about what she is saying about you? She is a victim remember? These people love to play the victim - she can't tell her family and friends that she is a cheating, lying affair ***** who can't commit to a relationship? What would they think of her? It is much easier for her to paint you as that ugly insecure person because she couldn't possibly look that deep within herself to see her real flaws.....Stop focusing on her....Stop reading old emails and get yourself out there - anywhere but away from focusing so much on her. She is screwed up. You need to listen to everyone who is telling you to GO SILENT....live your life like this is not really happening....post pictures on facebook like you are going about life as normal. It doesn't matter what she says about you - you know the truth, your family and friends to as well. My best thing is I have a really busy job - once I'm at work my focus shuts off him and onto my job and I stay in that mindset till the evening. You sound like you went through some of the grief and transferred to mad but you are made at the wrong things. Your are mad at what she is saying about you - you should be mad about what she is doing to your marriage....then you might grieve a little more....then you might just wake up one day and be done with all this drama.



Thank you, Kitkat. You are an amazing woman. You give me hope, hope that I will find someone who truly loves me, someone who is beautiful inside, much like you are. Thanks!


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Conrad said:


> And you are codependent


Where is the codependent article?


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## kitkat1 (Sep 14, 2011)

My point was not to make you think I'm a beautiful woman (although I think I am  the point of throwing all of my personal garbage out there to you is because I have been where you are and semi still am although I don't think he will widdle down my defenses this time. A year ago or two years ago I would have called his mother and cried to her, called his sister and cried to her about what a jerk he was to run out on his wife to see if I could get them on my side - feel out where the players are and whose side they are going to fall on. IT DOESN'T MATTER - the end result will not change. I have not told anyone about my current issue other than my sister. 

She is going to paint you as this insecure mean person because that's what they do - she needs people to feel sorry for her that she was such a saint for staying with you for so long. She knows she's in the wrong but it's a cowards cover up. You don't need to defend yourself to her or any of her stupid friends....it just makes you look weak. You will get tired of all the drama eventually.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

kitkat1 said:


> My point was not to make you think I'm a beautiful woman (although I think I am  the point of throwing all of my personal garbage out there to you is because I have been where you are and semi still am although I don't think he will widdle down my defenses this time. A year ago or two years ago I would have called his mother and cried to her, called his sister and cried to her about what a jerk he was to run out on his wife to see if I could get them on my side - feel out where the players are and whose side they are going to fall on. IT DOESN'T MATTER - the end result will not change. I have not told anyone about my current issue other than my sister.
> 
> She is going to paint you as this insecure mean person because that's what they do - she needs people to feel sorry for her that she was such a saint for staying with you for so long. She knows she's in the wrong but it's a cowards cover up. You don't need to defend yourself to her or any of her stupid friends....it just makes you look weak. You will get tired of all the drama eventually.


I am already tired.


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## kitkat1 (Sep 14, 2011)

Here is something I read to myself: We are only designed to handle so much drama and once that limit is hit then we begin to become affected in a negative way which causes us to respond inappropriately. When this happens we have to decide if the trigger that is causing the drama is worth all the drama it's causing.......


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

kitkat1 said:


> Here is something I read to myself: We are only designed to handle so much drama and once that limit is hit then we begin to become affected in a negative way which causes us to respond inappropriately. When this happens we have to decide if the trigger that is causing the drama is worth all the drama it's causing.......


And it is not worth the drama. She is not worth the drama. She has proven that time and time again. She devalues me. Why would I fret over someone who devalues me? She neglects me? What man would desire a woman who neglects him? She runs from me? What woman is worth capturing if she wishes never to be caught? She is not virtuous and neither is she worthy of my chase, my time, my love.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

The more I think of it, the more I think I should just file and be done with it.


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## kitkat1 (Sep 14, 2011)

Well you are definitely coming around....I distracted you today away from thoughts and obsessions of her...I can't do this every day  lol..I'm totally joking -You know I keep seeing these words like codependent - low self esteme - insecure....if you are anything like me you need to hear actual stories and look at others stories and say Wow I don't want to be that person - I'm not as bad as that person is. I'm a little ahead of you but still sucked into this destructive cycle. My patterns are changing but I'm 9 years into this crap and terrible behavior of being left everytime these horrible spouses gets a wild hair up their a**. 

I am opening my vault of secrecy because I just sat with my sister and my step-mother drinking a bit too much wine at dinner with them riding me all night long that I need to follow through with this divorce from this destructive person. I tried to deflect by saying things like I'm a loyal person, I believe in marriage, I don't want to be divorced, hes a good companion but a terrible partner....they would have nothing to do with that nonsenses and stopped me every time I tried to deflect or backslide. And literally as they are lecturing me my phone is blowing up from Mr. Disfunctional trying to call me from earlier today when I told him I could not talk.....life is funny. I hope that you have a good support system to keep you headed in the right direction. I'm cheering for you


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

kitkat1 said:


> Well you are definitely coming around....I distracted you today away from thoughts and obsessions of her...I can't do this every day  lol..I'm totally joking -You know I keep seeing these words like codependent - low self esteme - insecure....if you are anything like me you need to hear actual stories and look at others stories and say Wow I don't want to be that person - I'm not as bad as that person is. I'm a little ahead of you but still sucked into this destructive cycle. My patterns are changing but I'm 9 years into this crap and terrible behavior of being left everytime these horrible spouses gets a wild hair up their a**.
> 
> I am opening my vault of secrecy because I just sat with my sister and my step-mother drinking a bit too much wine at dinner with them riding me all night long that I need to follow through with this divorce from this destructive person. I tried to deflect by saying things like I'm a loyal person, I believe in marriage, I don't want to be divorced, hes a good companion but a terrible partner....they would have nothing to do with that nonsenses and stopped me every time I tried to deflect or backslide. And literally as they are lecturing me my phone is blowing up from Mr. Disfunctional trying to call me from earlier today when I told him I could not talk.....life is funny. I hope that you have a good support system to keep you headed in the right direction. I'm cheering for you


I need a stray jacket....I am learning a lot about myself.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Solon said:


> And it is not worth the drama. She is not worth the drama. She has proven that time and time again. She devalues me. Why would I fret over someone who devalues me? She neglects me? What man would desire a woman who neglects him? She runs from me? What woman is worth capturing if she wishes never to be caught? She is not virtuous and neither is she worthy of my chase, my time, my love.


No one is worth you chasing them.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Conrad said:


> No one is worth you chasing them.


I know. I want to stop chasing. HELP ME STOP!!! Knock me out like they used to do Mr. T on the A-Team.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Solon said:


> I know. I want to stop chasing. HELP ME STOP!!! Knock me out like they used to do Mr. T on the A-Team.


Put your right brain on ice and get up to 50,000 feet and observe.

Quit doing and start watching.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Put your right brain on ice and get up to 50,000 feet and observe.
> 
> Quit doing and start watching.


Watching what? The A-Team? Seriously, what are you talking about????:scratchhead:


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Solon said:


> Watching what? The A-Team? Seriously, what are you talking about????:scratchhead:


Observe her actions like you first met her.

You have this delusion about her that keeps you chasing.

Left-brain observations (rational) can help you conquer your delusions.

But, you have to take your right brain (emotions) out of the equation.


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## kitkat1 (Sep 14, 2011)

I have that same problem - an elusion of who they appear to be but in reality not even close.


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## kitkat1 (Sep 14, 2011)

My divorce papers will be ready today...this is going to be a bad day...we talked last night and he has no clue I'm going through with this. He thinks that he will remain living outside our home at his brothers, have his single life, work and stop by once in a while to give me a pat on the head and we will be frieds and go out on dates....I told him thanks but no thanks - that doesn't work for me. This is ridiculously stressful and painful...what is wrong with these people!


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

kitkat1 said:


> My divorce papers will be ready today...this is going to be a bad day...we talked last night and he has no clue I'm going through with this. He thinks that he will remain living outside our home at his brothers, have his single life, work and stop by once in a while to give me a pat on the head and we will be frieds and go out on dates....I told him thanks but no thanks - that doesn't work for me. This is ridiculously stressful and painful...what is wrong with these people!


How are you with it? Seriously?

I just found out my wife has been brainwashed!!! She has been seeing a "life coach." This life coach advised her to 1) avoid all contact with me, and 2) date as many men as possible. And she is so naive she is doing everything she says do. She is so easily manipulated. Now it is beginning to make sense.


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## kitkat1 (Sep 14, 2011)

I'm a mess...I'm hurting - I cried all night, can't eat, can't sleep. The only thing that made me feel a little better was when I emailed the attorney to add more debt to both sides - trying to equal out the equity. He will have a shock when he sees how many things he is responsbile for that I use to always pay. We have a pure bred english springer that we paid a good amount for that he took with him - I'm asking for either the dog back or half of what we paid....lol...little rewards - this all is so stupid.

It feels rushed...I'm scared and lonely and I don't really know what I'm doing...


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

kitkat1 said:


> I'm a mess...I'm hurting - I cried all night, can't eat, can't sleep. The only thing that made me feel a little better was when I emailed the attorney to add more debt to both sides - trying to equal out the equity. He will have a shock when he sees how many things he is responsbile for that I use to always pay. We have a pure bred english springer that we paid a good amount for that he took with him - I'm asking for either the dog back or half of what we paid....lol...little rewards - this all is so stupid.
> 
> It feels rushed...I'm scared and lonely and I don't really know what I'm doing...


Oh, Kitkat. I feel your pain. Can you talk right now? I'm going through the same pain. For me it helps to talk out my feelings. When I don't talk I do things that I later regret.


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## kitkat1 (Sep 14, 2011)

I will send you an in-email in a bit - I have a conf call right now and I have to put my "sales hat" on and be happy and another one at 8:00 am my time then a webex later....ugh. I will email you.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

kitkat1 said:


> I will send you an in-email in a bit - I have a conf call right now and I have to put my "sales hat" on and be happy and another one at 8:00 am my time then a webex later....ugh. I will email you.


[email protected]


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Zappy882000 said:


> Sometimes I think my wife and your wife are sisters. My wife got brainwashed by her divorced friends and she is so easily manipulated. Solon - I need to know if she would also be thinking about me sometimes that I used to do so much for her. I mean how could they become so callous that they stopped all contacts with you. Its been 4 months brother and I can't take it anymore. I'm tired of crying, hurting and in forever pain.


I'm there with you, Zappy. I'm afraid of the night. I know that early in the morning I will wake up and be haunted by the thoughts of what my wife is doing...and what she is not doing. You can't just not think about it. You can't just "let it go." Sometimes I think...I don't know.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Solon said:


> I'm there with you, Zappy. I'm afraid of the night. I know that early in the morning I will wake up and be haunted by the thoughts of what my wife is doing...and what she is not doing. You can't just not think about it. You can't just "let it go." Sometimes I think...I don't know.


Many people have done that very thing.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Zappy,

You're describing codependence, not mature love.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Zappy882000 said:


> Sometimes I think my wife and your wife are sisters. My wife got brainwashed by her divorced friends and she is so easily manipulated. Solon - I need to know if she would also be thinking about me sometimes that I used to do so much for her. I mean how could they become so callous that they stopped all contacts with you. Its been 4 months brother and I can't take it anymore. I'm tired of crying, hurting and in forever pain.


Zappy....how are you these days?


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Zappy882000 said:


> she is still out there to ruin everything we ever dreamed of.


What do her actions tell you?

That your dream is not her dream.

I know, it stinks. But, it's time to work on letting go of the delusion.


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

Your thoughts are driving me crazy.
Get out of you head every once in a while.
Find somthing constructive to focus on.


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## samjin (Feb 28, 2011)

Zappy...it happens to the best of us. We are strong and wise but when we get emotional we become weak....and a woman does not like a weak man. Stay strong and a day will come that you will feel good and find the right person.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Zappy882000 said:


> I was such a strong guy before I married my wife and now I am such a weakling and a crying baby. Truth is I can't live without her and I'll go to any extent to have her back. I miss every single word she had spoken from her mouth. I miss cuddling her, I miss talking to her and I miss her calling me with all honeysweet names.
> Lord jesus please listen to my prayers and peep into my heart. I love this woman so much please make her come to me.


Zappy, you have to realize how powerful your thoughts are. What you say to yourself will control how you feel about yourself. If you continue to say, "I can't live without her" soon you will not live without her; you'll be a walking corpse---if that. And I pray to God that you do not do anything that will confirm that you "can't live without her." 

The truth of the matter is you CAN live without her. What were you doing before you met her? You were alive! You were well! you were active and thriving before she came along. So now that she has come and is gone (for right now) you CAN still live and you WILL still live.

I know it is hard, Brother. I am going through the same thing. I sit here wondering "why in the world is my wife of all people not talking to me? so many people I would rather not speak with call me, but my wife is not speaking to me---and why?" I feel down. I cry. I get angry. I want to pick up the phone and ask her why. But I do not. I have gone a whole week without trying to communicate with her. I have purposed in my heart that I will never again try. She has not had a conversation with me in 6 weeks or more. She has totally disrespected me as a man, much less a husband. So she is done. She is dead. And i am living. I pray for her to come back to me, but not as she left me. If she comes back, she has to be a NEW person; a thoughtful person; a selfless person; a caring person; an understanding person. I am a new person and I take it that God is making her into a new person. That helps me sleep at night. So just know that work is being done to your wife. She is being made new. Sit back and allow God to do surgery on your wife. In the meantime, let him do surgery on you.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

> I'm not able to find any closure on that part. I am not bad looking, have a good job (by God's grace), never cheated on her, did not ask her to leave, did not lay a single finger on her and STILL she left.


Boring ! That is why brother ! They all leave mostly because of that !


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

Zappy, I'm so sorry man.
She will never be right with herself for doing that, she will always be running from that choice.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Zappy882000 said:


> No Brother. I am not boring, I used to make her laugh all the time and she was so proud of the fact that I could make anyone laugh. I am not boring at all.....may be I wasn't able to understand her properly and what she wanted from me. Day and Night I have these thoughts in my mind that why did she do it.


if you make someone laugh doesn't mean you're not boring. They need much more then that.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> Everytime you take her back you are rewarding the "run away" behavior. She will continue to act that way, I mean, what does she have to lose? She runs away, you take her back. No loss. You are always there for her backup plan.
> 
> If you didn't take her back next time maybe she would realize she can't keep running away from things. Or maybe not.
> 
> Are you sure there isn't another man in the picture during these "I'm so done with the relationship" times?



I did the same thing on 3 occassions (take her back).. Then I actually moved over with her. Only to be left again just 6 weeks ago.. she blocked phone and emails. Move out while I was at work.. won't answer her work number either..


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

SCondeck said:


> So many women seem to have this same fantasy about what real life and marriage are all about. It doesn't help when their friends, family and society constantly bombard them with "You should just be happy." and "Just do what makes you happy."
> 
> May God help us through these trials.




i feel you. My wife left and did NC by phone or email or office. Her entire world is the Turner Classic Movie channel and romance movies. Oh, and fake eylashes and makeup.


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## Broken84 (Oct 30, 2012)

I'm sorry you are going thru this. It is very hard...we all know.


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## Dubya (Oct 2, 2012)

Dafuq, zappy? I know it's tough.

Every post I read of yours, I envision you standing in a mud puddle and looking up crying for someone to get you out of a huge pit that isn't really there. 

You gotta get out more! Go take care of yourself, man. I'm worried for you.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Zappy882000 said:


> Thank you Dubya....Even though I have a God given ability to make friends very fast but I still feel so lonely when reality hits and I envision my wife not being with me. It devastates me man. Nevertheless I am starting to believe more and more in GOD, that he has a purpose for me and I should not intervene in his actions as brother Solon mentioned earlier.


Your entire self-worth wrapped up in the opinion of one person.


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## Dubya (Oct 2, 2012)

Zappy882000 said:


> Thank you Dubya....Even though I have a God given ability to make friends very fast but I still feel so lonely when reality hits and I envision my wife not being with me. It devastates me man. Nevertheless I am starting to believe more and more in GOD, that he has a purpose for me and I should not intervene in his actions as brother Solon mentioned earlier.



I don't know if you got my point.

You are extremely melodramatic. Stop. Stop. Stop. 

Go do something and quit wallowing in self pity. It's rediculous how much you are allowing this one person to affect you so greatly.

**** ain't that bad, friend.


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## samjin (Feb 28, 2011)

Zappy-Life may seem sad right now and this is a natural process. Believe me my friend it gets better and one day you will look back and laugh about this time. But you have to go thru the process...unfortunately there are no shortcuts or magic pills to get over this. Stay strong my friend and some other door will open in front of you.


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## Dubya (Oct 2, 2012)

Sappy, you're not listening. Good luck to you. Go get some meds.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Zappy882000 said:


> Thank you my friend Samjin. Life seems passing by with no taste in it, I used to get so excited about the weekends and used to make so many plans but now weekends are so dreadful. I just wait for the night to fall so I could go to sleep. Brother I used to watch Prison Break, Dexter and Friends for hours with Deepti (my wife), I mean for hours cuddling in the blanket. I miss that time bro and I miss her too.
> How could she not talk to me, I am the same person who used to caress her when she will be changing clothes, I am the same person she used to sleep and talk. I just don't know how could she change 360 degrees and become so inexplicable wicked.


I found out what is going on with your wife. Her spirit is closed. Over the years, according to experts in this field, she has been hurt by you over and over and over again and she has now reached a point where her spirit is literally closed off to you. Nothing you say or do can reopen her to you. Her heart is hardened. Solomon in Proverbs 23 says there are three things that causes the earth to tremble. One of the things is a wife who feels unloved.

I've recognized the things I have done to harden my wife's heart and cause her to close her spirit towards me. Now I am working, no, learning on how to be more peaceful, delicate, understanding, attentive, caring, loving, and available to her. Once I master that, she will come home. She will. So....I figured out the secret to getting your wife back. It is 100% guaranteed. So leave her alone. Reflect on the things that you have done to harden her heart and start learning not to do those things. Once you have learned she will be ready to come home. Oh!...wait. One more thing. You have to pray that God softens her heart---then believe that He will, and Bingo! She will come back. But if you truly have not learned how to deal with her, she will leave again.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> I've recognized the things I have done to harden my wife's heart and cause her to close her spirit towards me. Now I am working, no, learning on how to be more peaceful, delicate, understanding, attentive, caring, loving, and available to her. Once I master that, she will come home. She will. So....I figured out the secret to getting your wife back. It is 100% guaranteed. So leave her alone. Reflect on the things that you have done to harden her heart and start learning not to do those things. Once you have learned she will be ready to come home. Oh!...wait. One more thing. You have to pray that God softens her heart---then believe that He will, and Bingo! She will come back. But if you truly have not learned how to deal with her, she will leave again.


Solon, God's ways are not our ways. She may not come back. Do not make your success dependent on someone coming back or not. This may not be about you. It may be about her. God may need to teach you both. There is truth in your quote, but there is also a very grave danger. It is not 100% guaranteed. Why would you want someone back who is incapable of having a balanced relationship? Your children need to see at least one balanced, strong, loving relationship in their lives. Period. 

I believed once as you do, but, trust me. You don't know the plans God has for you or your ex. Follow Him in wherever that leads. Don't try to manipulate God, follow Him and be obedient in the way that He would have you go-----with or without your wife----or maybe, just maybe, you will be a blessing to another woman because of the man you have become.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Solon, God's ways are not our ways. She may not come back. Do not make your success dependent on someone coming back or not. This may not be about you. It may be about her. God may need to teach you both. There is truth in your quote, but there is also a very grave danger. It is not 100% guaranteed. Why would you want someone back who is incapable of having a balanced relationship? Your children need to see at least one balanced, strong, loving relationship in their lives. Period.
> 
> I believed once as you do, but, trust me. You don't know the plans God has for you or your ex. Follow Him in wherever that leads. Don't try to manipulate God, follow Him and be obedient in the way that He would have you go-----with or without your wife----or maybe, just maybe, you will be a blessing to another woman because of the man you have become.


Sorry, Batman. My heart is fixed and my mind is made up. I believe that God has heard and answered my prayer. It is that simple. She is on her way home. This is the essence of faith. If I do not believe it, then it is up to chance for it to happen. But if I believe, it will happen. I guarantee you that she will be back home. Don't believe me? Keep following this post. I will post when she does. Watch and see.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Solon, God's ways are not our ways. She may not come back. Do not make your success dependent on someone coming back or not. This may not be about you. It may be about her. God may need to teach you both. There is truth in your quote, but there is also a very grave danger. It is not 100% guaranteed. Why would you want someone back who is incapable of having a balanced relationship? Your children need to see at least one balanced, strong, loving relationship in their lives. Period.
> 
> I believed once as you do, but, trust me. You don't know the plans God has for you or your ex. Follow Him in wherever that leads. Don't try to manipulate God, follow Him and be obedient in the way that He would have you go-----with or without your wife----or maybe, just maybe, you will be a blessing to another woman because of the man you have become.


And oh...I don't believe God will bring her back the same way He allowed her to leave. I'm not stupid. He changed me, so it only follows that He has and is changing her. God is in the saving business. Fact. God does not desire marriages to be broken. He allows it to teach people, to heal people, and to save people. I cannot speak for other people, but for me and my house, this situation has done all of that. Now, its restoration time. God hates divorce and separation. Why wouldn't it be his will for her to come back, changed and renewed? Come on now.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> And oh...I don't believe God will bring her back the same way He allowed her to leave. I'm not stupid. He changed me, so it only follows that He has and is changing her. God is in the saving business. Fact. God does not desire marriages to be broken. He allows it to teach people, to heal people, and to save people. I cannot speak for other people, but for me and my house, this situation has done all of that. Now, its restoration time. God hates divorce and separation. Why wouldn't it be his will for her to come back, changed and renewed? Come on now.


Been on the Rejoice Ministries website I see. Good stuff. But, it's an in the box way of thinking. Not saying it's bad or wrong, but God is not black and white like that all the time. My situation did the same for me, but, for now and for the forseeable future he needs to do a major work in my ex. Emotional wounds take time. Some people never recover. I'm saying it's a case by case basis.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Sorry, Batman. My heart is fixed and my mind is made up. I believe that God has heard and answered my prayer. It is that simple. She is on her way home. This is the essence of faith. If I do not believe it, then it is up to chance for it to happen. But if I believe, it will happen. I guarantee you that she will be back home. Don't believe me? Keep following this post. I will post when she does. Watch and see.


I'm not saying I don't believe it. I just want you to be sensitive to God on your own path and not live through others as religion has so often misled us with.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

And I know people personally that have been waiting 20 years for their spouse to come back. They speak the same way you do. 

God did not do in me what he did not to be a blessing to someone. He made me into this man over the past two years for a purpose.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Been on the Rejoice Ministries website I see. Good stuff. But, it's an in the box way of thinking. Not saying it's bad or wrong, but God is not black and white like that all the time. My situation did the same for me, but, for now and for the forseeable future he needs to do a major work in my ex. Emotional wounds take time. Some people never recover. I'm saying it's a case by case basis.


It is what you believe it to be. It's really that simple. Mark 11:24 is so simple it really cannot be rationalized away. "Whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." It really is that simple. 

Now that is not to say that if I believe I can walk in Wells Fargo and walk away with $10K and not get caught and I will not get caught. No. But if what you believe coincides with God's will, no matter what it is, you will have it. Before I married my wife, I prayed and begged God to show me she was the right one, that it was His will that I marry her. I did not want to make a bad choice. I said, "If it is not Your will that I marry this woman, show me someone else; allow her to leave now; turn my heart away from her; do anything to rid me of this woman if it is not Your will for me to marry her." He did not. He showed me that it was His will. So now, me asking and believing that she will come home----I honestly am living my life right now that she is home already. Talk about money in the bank? Oh, she's coming home. Believe that. Better yet, don't believe it. Do whatever. I believe it and it will happen. Period. And she will be a better person, a more lovable person, a less selfish person than when she left. As I type this, God is reworking, recreating her heart. Right now.

God is not in a box. Is there a box big enough to hold God? That's comical. But God works in favor of those who put all their trust in Him. And He is free to do as He likes. And He likes to answer the prayers of those who believe in Him. So again, it's a done deal. I believe it.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> And I know people personally that have been waiting 20 years for their spouse to come back. They speak the same way you do.
> 
> God did not do in me what he did not to be a blessing to someone. He made me into this man over the past two years for a purpose.


I am sure He did. I am sure He is not finished with you yet either. My wife coming home does not mean that she will be perfected. It does not mean that I will be perfected, therefore He will reunite us. No. I'm not sure if that was your point.

For those who have been waiting for 20 years, obviously there is a reason for that; a reason that neither one of us is privy to. I think more amazing than the spouse has not returned yet is the fact that the other spouse is still waiting! I don't know what is going on there, but more power to the person. Now that is patience. I would love to speak with that person.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> It is what you believe it to be. It's really that simple. Mark 11:24 is so simple it really cannot be rationalized away. "Whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." It really is that simple.
> 
> Now that is not to say that if I believe I can walk in Wells Fargo and walk away with $10K and not get caught and I will not get caught. No. But if what you believe coincides with God's will, no matter what it is, you will have it. Before I married my wife, I prayed and begged God to show me she was the right one, that it was His will that I marry her. I did not want to make a bad choice. I said, "If it is not Your will that I marry this woman, show me someone else; allow her to leave now; turn my heart away from her; do anything to rid me of this woman if it is not Your will for me to marry her." He did not. He showed me that it was His will. So now, me asking and believing that she will come home----I honestly am living my life right now that she is home already. Talk about money in the bank? Oh, she's coming home. Believe that. Better yet, don't believe it. Do whatever. I believe it and it will happen. Period. And she will be a better person, a more lovable person, a less selfish person than when she left. As I type this, God is reworking, recreating her heart. Right now.
> 
> God is not in a box. Is there a box big enough to hold God? That's comical. But God works in favor of those who put all their trust in Him. And He is free to do as He likes. And He likes to answer the prayers of those who believe in Him. So again, it's a done deal. I believe it.


Good for you Solon. Just, for me, it takes more trust in Him to walk away than it does to wait. I could sit and wait forever. It was safe and secure and within my belief system. I could sit in my recliner every morning and grow in an selfless life dedicated to waiting for Him to do the miracle. That, in itself, was comfortable and easy for me. 

And, I totally believe that God intended me to marry my ex....no doubt. My marriage formed me into what I am today according to His purpose. However, based on hours and hours of sitting on my porch, by myself, reading and listening, he has a new plan. So does that make me lacking in faith?


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> For those who have been waiting for 20 years, obviously there is a reason for that; a reason that neither one of us is privy to. I think more amazing than the spouse has not returned yet is the fact that the other spouse is still waiting! I don't know what is going on there, but more power to the person. Now that is patience. I would love to speak with that person.


It is amazing. They are precious people, and God has changed them with unbelievable consistency. However, both have regret in their voices. Their spouses moved on into another marriage, and they waited. They love God and would never admit to me that they regret, but you hear it.

They have amazing perspectives, but they both have watched me grow through the ministry I'm involved in and know, for me, it's the right call to move on at the moment.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Good for you Solon. Just, for me, it takes more trust in Him to walk away than it does to wait. I could sit and wait forever. It was safe and secure and within my belief system. I could sit in my recliner every morning and grow in an selfless life dedicated to waiting for Him to do the miracle. That, in itself, was comfortable and easy for me.
> 
> And, I totally believe that God intended me to marry my ex....no doubt. My marriage formed me into what I am today according to His purpose. However, based on hours and hours of sitting on my porch, by myself, reading and listening, he has a new plan. So does that make me lacking in faith?


Does it? Did you ask Him for your wife to come home? Did you really believe that she would? Despite every sign that suggested that she would not? I don't know the level of your faith. I do know that if you have the faith the size of a mustard seed you can say to any mountain "move" and it would move.

You see, this has taught me a new dimension of faith. I had faith, great faith, before this happened. I believed and in my belief great things have happened. I remember one lady came to me because her husband had beat her, thrown her out of the house, and when she came back the next day, he was gone. He had taken her then 18month old daughter and bolted. She had not seen her daughter for two years. The police could not find them (husband and daughter). The FBI. No one. She came to me and wanting help to see if I could do anything. I told her that with God, I will find her daughter and bring her back. In a month I found her daughter and the court turned over her daughter to her. What a day of rejoicing? I believe that God would join in my work and miraculous things will happen. I have seen it. But you see, my faith was contingent on me, me being part of the work. This situation is TOTALLY different. I am cut off totally. I know that if I only had the opportunity to talk to my wife, I can convince her to come home. But she has taken that avenue away from me. So my "faith" was shot. But now I see that it has NOTHING to do with me. I was too high on myself. I had faith in myself, not God. This has showed me that I have to put it all in God's hands and believe in Him just as I believed in Him working with me. When she comes home, it will be 100% God answering my prayers, without my help. He does not need my help. I see that now. What a lesson learned!


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Does it? Did you ask Him for your wife to come home? Did you really believe that she would? Despite every sign that suggested that she would not? I don't know the level of your faith. I do know that if you have the faith the size of a mustard seed you can say to any mountain "move" and it would move.
> 
> You see, this has taught me a new dimension of faith. I had faith, great faith, before this happened. I believed and in my belief great things have happened. I remember one lady came to me because her husband had beat her, thrown her out of the house, and when she came back the next day, he was gone. He had taken her then 18month old daughter and bolted. She had not seen her daughter for two years. The police could not find them (husband and daughter). The FBI. No one. She came to me and wanting help to see if I could do anything. I told her that with God, I will find her daughter and bring her back. In a month I found her daughter and the court turned over her daughter to her. What a day of rejoicing? I believe that God would join in my work and miraculous things will happen. I have seen it. But you see, my faith was contingent on me, me being part of the work. This situation is TOTALLY different. I am cut off totally. I know that if I only had the opportunity to talk to my wife, I can convince her to come home. But she has taken that avenue away from me. So my "faith" was shot. But now I see that it has NOTHING to do with me. I was too high on myself. I had faith in myself, not God. This has showed me that I have to put it all in God's hands and believe in Him just as I believed in Him working with me. When she comes home, it will be 100% God answering my prayers, without my help. He does not need my help. I see that now. What a lesson learned!


Yes. For two years, in the same home He broke me and remade me. I fully believed God would heal our marriage. She floundered. I was forced to leave. Funny thing happened. I became so happy and at peace. I have grown more since April than I ever could have imagined. It has been a blessing.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Yes. For two years, in the same home He broke me and remade me. I fully believed God would heal our marriage. She floundered. I was forced to leave. Funny thing happened. I became so happy and at peace. I have grown more since April than I ever could have imagined. It has been a blessing.


You were "forced" leave?


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> You were "forced" leave?


Yes, I had to make a decision on whether to force her and my children to find some cheap place to live, force her to continue to wallow in resentment in a marriage in which she wanted out, or to just let her go and allow her to live in the house as a deviation off of child support.

What does God do? He lets us go.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Yes, I had to make a decision on whether to force her and my children to find some cheap place to live, force her to continue to wallow in resentment in a marriage in which she wanted out, or to just let her go and allow her to live in the house as a deviation off of child support.
> 
> What does God do? He lets us go.


So you had at least three apparent choices. When you are forced there are no choices. Don't you agree?

So you had three choices and you chose to leave the home. What would have happened had you chosen option number 2? To continue (I don't like that word "force") to allow her to wallow in resentment in a marriage in which she wanted out? What do you think would have happened had you chosen this option?


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> So you had at least three apparent choices. When you are forced there are no choices. Don't you agree?
> 
> So you had three choices and you chose to leave the home. What would have happened had you chosen option number 2? To continue (I don't like that word "force") to allow her to wallow in resentment in a marriage in which she wanted out? What do you think would have happened had you chosen this option?


I don't know. I was acting out of obedience after plenty of prayer and fasting. Number 2, although noble in it's intent, is a form of manipulation and control. Sure, my flesh wanted to stay and "wait her out" or make her leave if she wanted to leave. And yes, if you are obedient completely to Christ, it is a forced action for us, as fleshly people, are incapable without his grace.

Are you sure that you aren't following your flesh?


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> I don't know. I was acting out of obedience after plenty of prayer and fasting. Number 2, although noble in it's intent, is a form of manipulation and control. Sure, my flesh wanted to stay and "wait her out" or make her leave if she wanted to leave. And yes, if you are obedient completely to Christ, it is a forced action for us, as fleshly people, are incapable without his grace.
> 
> Are you sure that you aren't following your flesh?


Yes, I'm sure.

What do you mean when you say option number 2 "is a form of manipulation"? I must be missing something. You are married to your wife. You are living at home with her. Yet, you are saying that choosing to remain in the home (your rightful place) and choose to make a change within yourself is a way of manipulating your wife? Manipulating her to do what? Leave? I am totally lost to what you are trying to say. Why would you staying equated to "waiting her out"? Is it not possible that had you stayed at home, continue to fast and pray, that God would not have changed you and/or her and things would have worked out? In your mind was that not a possibility?

From what you have said, and I may be missing something, choosing option 2 would have been the more suitable option. It seems as though that would have been the option God would have wanted you to choose. Were you beating her? Was she beating you? Were either of you in any sort of life-threatening danger so that leaving was an option of life or death? I'm not getting this scenario at all.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Yes, I'm sure.
> 
> What do you mean when you say option number 2 "is a form of manipulation"? I must be missing something. You are married to your wife. You are living at home with her. Yet, you are saying that choosing to remain in the home (your rightful place) and choose to make a change within yourself is a way of manipulating your wife? Manipulating her to do what? Leave? I am totally lost to what you are trying to say. Why would you staying equated to "waiting her out"? Is it not possible that had you stayed at home, continue to fast and pray, that God would not have changed you and/or her and things would have worked out? In your mind was that not a possibility?
> 
> From what you have said, and I may be missing something, choosing option 2 would have been the more suitable option. It seems as though that would have been the option God would have wanted you to choose. Were you beating her? Was she beating you? Were either of you in any sort of life-threatening danger so that leaving was an option of life or death? I'm not getting this scenario at all.


From the outside looking in and from a very religious perspective, you are correct. I have had very good counsel through this, and I wouldn't change any of it.

When you see a person you love losing their mind, you seek very wise counsel.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> From the outside looking in and from a very religious perspective, you are correct. I have had very good counsel through this, and I wouldn't change any of it.
> 
> When you see a person you love losing their mind, you seek very wise counsel.


How do you know the counsel you received was wise? Is that what a family member told you? Was it wise because it made sense to you? Did it give you the outcome you wanted? From the outside looking in, it seems as though it did not.

This whole conversation was sparked by the comment regarding your faith. Was your faith in this counsel or in the counsel of God? Maybe your Counselor was/is God? Is that who you received your counsel from?


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> How do you know the counsel you received was wise?


My mentor has mentored hundreds of men and all of them have turned out to be very amazingly humble men secure in their identity in Christ. He's good accountability when talking through decisions like this after praying.



> Is that what a family member told you?


Family members have no place in marriage problems.



> Was it wise because it made sense to you?


It made no sense to me at first because I thought like you do.



> Did it give you the outcome you wanted?


Not at the time. I wanted my marriage restored. But, now? I am SO GRATEFUL. So, yes, it has.



> Was your faith in this counsel or in the counsel of God? Maybe your Counselor was/is God? Is that who you received your counsel from?


Yes, God, but I have a structure of accountablity around me that keep me straight.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> My mentor has mentored hundreds of men and all of them have turned out to be very amazingly humble men secure in their identity in Christ. He's good accountability when talking through decisions like this after praying.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Okay, this does not answer my question. Excuse me my line of questioning is irritating, but----it's what I do and I am off today so I am enjoying this.

First, you did not answer how you knew the counsel was wise. Saying, "My mentor has mentored hundreds of men and all of them have turned out to be very amazingly humble men secure in their identity in Christ. He's good accountability when talking through decisions like this after praying." does not answer the question. Certainly, there is no way possible you can know whether all hundred of the men you speak of did turn out to be very amazingly humble men. There is no way for you to know that as a fact. So again, how do YOU know the counsel you received was wise?

So it sounds that what you are saying is that he (this wise counselor) gave you counsel that did not give you the results that your originally wanted, but the outcome of what the counselor convinced you to want. In other words, it sounds as though the counselor convinced you to change your original desire and accept a different outcome and helped you become "grateful" for this outcome, even though it was not what you originally wanted. Is that correct?


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> My mentor has mentored hundreds of men and all of them have turned out to be very amazingly humble men secure in their identity in Christ. He's good accountability when talking through decisions like this after praying.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


And the last question----this counselor you speak of---IS God? Is that what you are telling us? (I say "us" because I am sure other people are reading with us).


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Certainly, there is no way possible you can know whether all hundred of the men you speak of did turn out to be very amazingly humble men. There is no way for you to know that as a fact. So again, how do YOU know the counsel you received was wise?


Well, I met enough of the sample size to know. Since you don't understand, let me dumb it down some. I have a three prong accountability system in place. My "counsel" comes through prayer and reading scripture. Now the accountability system is what you use to make sure that you are grounded in your thought process. My mentor counselled me by listening to what I thought I had to do and directing me back to scripture. I also have a faith based therapist who has been practicing for 23 years, and I have a man who has walked through life with eerily similar baggage some 20 years ago as a sage. Now, to be totally frank, my wife was going to file for divorce. I could either choose to be a ****, or choose to do the right thing and be part of the process out of love.



> So it sounds that what you are saying is that he (this wise counselor) gave you counsel that did not give you the results that your originally wanted, but the outcome of what the counselor convinced you to want. In other words, it sounds as though the counselor convinced you to change your original desire and accept a different outcome and helped you become "grateful" for this outcome, even though it was not what you originally wanted. Is that correct?


 When does it become about what "we" want. How arrogant can you be to tell God what He should do or try to manipulate an outcome? Faith is about trusting God. Not that He is going to do what you want Him to do, but that He is going to walk with you through whatever comes. And no, my mentor has no bearing on this new outcome, or has he placed anything in my mind outside of making me go back to scripture. In fact, he was concerned a few times in past few months, but things have worked out for the good. 

What people do is they take their desires, try to match up scripture, and call it faith when they believe God for it. It's flesh. That doesn't mean they aren't sincere in their beliefs, they are just sincerely wrong.

You have no idea how many people can be positively changed through you letting go of your desires, your flesh, and just letting God. I have seen 4 marriages restored around me that were in full separation, paperwork was in process. It has been an amazing ride.


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## Dubya (Oct 2, 2012)

Are you guys feeding off each other in some sort of dilusional spiral? Like a toilet. 

The Lord helps those that helps themselves... Not the lord helps those who find others that wallow in the same self pity and wait for miracles...


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

gosh 'Im exhausted after that read.

Can I interrupt with a wee diddy?

You know one day-on the way to church -I was a bit sooky(pretty darn used to the self combustion episodes by now)
..and I started to pray for a sign. I was compelled. I was yelling out to GOd . People must of thought I was mad as they drove by me. (and maybe I was/am a little) *winks.

I said "God, slap me in the face with it! I need a SIGN-Do I keep this hope up? Do I keep believing? I need to know how to let go. Send me a big one Lord!! I'm not afraid. I just need it!! So sock it to me!" (amazing what grief does to reflective and usually serene prayer times! )

Now this is a true story and only a couple of weeks ago....

A red car drove in front of me-right there and then.Like...right there and THEN! I'm not joking. It was instant thing. 
this was its personalised number plate.

"ITSOVR"

My eyes went as big as saucers, my insides screamed "nooooooooooo" THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANTED TO SEE!! no ! no! no JESUS!! WT HECK???
and then, because I believe that HE knows me so well (and that sometimes I DO need a slap in the face) He delivered my answer as I asked. 

I laughed and laughed....and laughed some more and the tears were rolling...but they turned into tears of laughter.

The Gods too are fond of a joke, you see.
(And let's look it as a positive and not just a negative. ITs over. IT is! I don't want the relationship back that I had with my ex. It was darn blah. So either way-If he returns-the old is gone. For both of us. It has to be renewed in new way or it'll just die again. Or the second way to look at it-is that...well...It's over. We can't make someone love us. God can't change free will.)

SO here's the point....I'm a faithful girl-who loves to laugh and my laughter disappeared....and that's not attractive. Right>? My exH loved the fact I laughed through life. I had stopped. 

Something broke in our relationships. 
For me it was the lightness I had always carried. I was fun. Passionate. Now I was miserable and needy and anxious and not a lot of fun. I was a stress head and hell, I would have run away too from me if I could at times. 

So we have to stand up (after a bad day) and try and become the best we can be-even when we don't want to. We have to restore ourselves. Never mind about them right now. Take HIS hand and just let them go.

As a woman...reading these posts.....you lads have to get up now..and get on with it.. become STRONG..(and I know that's so hard some days)

It just may be that Gods plan for you might be a little different than the one you think-but I can promise that whatever way it goes--it'll be the right way for YOU. 

So what are you going to do tomorrow-for you?
Not for her-she's on her own journey...have your cry and then get UP. 
GET SEXY AND STRONG..... much more likeable you see. 

Don't you want her to see the changes in you? Women dig strong men. Let her get curious about you again. It doesn't mean you don't have to not hope. A ton of us are hoping. But here's the cool thing- it's a win win situation. If she doesn't return -you'll still be a better man. 
Got me?

from one girls perspective is all ..

love and peace to you


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

zappy are you in therapy? It'll help you get stronger ok

Um.... im from Australia and have no idea what the legalities are in your country...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Angel,

Zappy fights hard for that victim chair.


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## samjin (Feb 28, 2011)

Zappy-Stay strong and smile. God will open a new door for you that could be better and amazing! Remember you want to be with someone who wants to be with you. Life is short my friend and learn to smile


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

Zappy882000 said:


> Solon - how did she take a protective order against you?


She filed it based on me coming to her house asking her to speak with me about our daughter and some bills. She did not have a claim, but she took me to court anyway. Instead of allowing her to embarrass herself, I explained the situation to the judge. He knew she did not have the evidence to grant a protective order.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Solon said:


> She filed it based on me coming to her house asking her to speak with me about our daughter and some bills. She did not have a claim, but she took me to court anyway. Instead of allowing her to embarrass herself, I explained the situation to the judge. He knew she did not have the evidence to grant a protective order.


Ws' are crazy! I always say ALL women have a little bit of crazy in them, it is a matter of how much your willing to deal with when you marry them!


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

HiRoad said:


> Ws' are crazy! I always say ALL women have a little bit of crazy in them, it is a matter of how much your willing to deal with when you marry them!


They are. I just cannot wait to get over her.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Zappy882000 said:


> Conrad I know you are trying to make me understand the right thing but brother, this pain is so enormous it takes over everything. We had an amazing life, I used to do groceries, shopping and everything for my wife. But she left and the worst part is since she left on July 1, 2012 I never got a chance to talk to her about anything as she was manipulated by a social worker who was always with her and did not let me speak to my wife. My own friends testified against me, brainwashed my wife, helped her abort the baby and ruined our household. I was so happy at one point of time and shudder to the core thinking what has happened.


You can't see it right now, but she has done you a huge favor by setting you free from her madness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

zappy88200 said:


> How are you doing Solon? Any update?


Hey Zappy! I'm doing pretty good. The pain comes and goes, but I am not talking to her at all. She is dead in my book. I am still praying for her because I know she is out of her mind, confused, and hurting, but I do not reach out to her.

How about you? Any updates? You getting any stronger?


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

zappy88200 said:


> I am doing just enough to breathe, the pain is always there.
> 
> Pain of betrayal by friends
> 
> ...


Not yet. We go to court on Jan. 9 (two days after my birthday). At that time I will try and get it dismissed. If she does not show up, it is automatically dismissed. If she does show up I will move that it be dismissed based on the facts.


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## Solon (Oct 8, 2012)

zappy88200 said:


> I see...lets catch up on your birthday Jan 7th and have a chat?
> 
> Hopefully she doesn't turn up, before the court date puncture her car tires


lol....I really do not want to see her at all. I am okay if I never see her ever again. She will be an old lady before I see her again and the kids will be grown adults and despise her for her selfish, immature way of handling this. I had a good mind to sue her for libel for telling people in my church that I am cheating on her. But I will take the high road and just forget about it. Her loss.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Solon & Zappy howdy!


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

I am still in NC/LC with my STBXW, if she does contact me it is though text only.

I am doing great, look great, feel great, but still have my moments.

For example, I STILL have access to her business account and can see all the BS that she is running through the business, dont know how the h$ll she is going to explain this to the tax accountant at year-end, but not my problem. 

And now i am catching her in lies, she is hiding that she went out of town, partied in the city, stayed at a hotel, and left the kids with her mom. 

Sad thing is my 3 yr old tells me everthing, kids are soo brutely honest. I mentioned to her what he was saying, and she DENIED DENIED DENIED. 

This is not the women i married, nor a women i would want to stay married too!


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Zappy,

I have read your threads and cant imagine the pain you have been put through. You have the strength of an orangutan, lesser men would have crumbled. Hat tip to you.

I still pray often, my STBXW is/was a faithful women, I cant understand why she up rooted our little family. 

We have to focus on our NEW set of goals, I always think, once the D is final, I will move on and meet someone that will value the vows of marriage.

We have to stop focusing on the pain, it is a drug that will only bring us down.


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## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

Amen.....


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Conrad said:


> As part of your recovery, start thinking of things you truly were "not ok" with - that you went along with - to "keep the peace".
> 
> Or... as in many cases, "to keep the piece".


Good advise Conrad... that is what I have been doing in my case. When I found out yesterday she is back with one of her eh's I had an anxiety attack for about an hour.. then I realized that she cheated on that guy 4 times while they were together. And she was on again off again with him for those 3 or 4 years. She won't be with him very long this time either.


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