# "Rather be happy than right"--what does this mean to you?



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I'm giving this some thought, as lately I'm coming to the conclusion that at least for the time being, it may be more helpful for me to sacrifice my point in a short term argument, for the sake of growing the long term. No doubt a LOT of the input from lots of you is helping me to do this.

Example:

I'm working on not reacting to my interpretations of what my hubs says, and not trying to prove my point to him on a given issue at all costs.
At therapy last week, this is exactly what my DH told me he needs from me.
I'm getting the sense my hubs is not reciprocating that right now.
A couple times in the past couple days, if the conversation started to escalate in tension (I posted), I knew I was staying calm, I didn't feel my heart rate going up, but my hubs got pretty agitated, and when he did, he told me I was not "keeping my emotions under control."
Well...he was mistaken and he was projecting his own rising emotional state onto me.
But somehow I don't think that me going, "yes I am! YOU'RE not! Am too! I know you are but what am I?"
in other words, I refused to go on the defensive. These particular arguments weren't worth that. 
Even if i'm right.
Even if he's not doing unto me what he wanted me to do unto him.
Instead my attitude was/is: "ok, you can perceive that right now."
know why? Because at THAT moment, I'd be happier understanding that if HE'S emotionally reactive in a given moment, I can't expect more in terms of reasonable discussion.
I can tell when my poor darling husband needs a time-out.
I'M happier knowing things'll go better if I let this question wait till therapy or another calm time, if it needs to be had at all, it'll go better. 

I feel more peaceful about it this way.
I think this is more loving to both myself and my DH than "am not! YOU are!"
I may not feel good and happy about everything HE'S saying and giving at the moment, but I feel pretty good about what I'M giving and doing, for the most part.
And if I can let these things go more right now, I have more faith that my husband will come to see things a little more fairly.

I know I'm waxing a bit poetic and spiritual, and I know Im not perfect by any means.
But when I get that gut sense of "I KNOW this is the right way to handle this," I pay attention.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

And PS: I know my post may have sounded arrogant, like I truly believe I was the enlightened Buddha smiliing upon my husband as he jumped up
and down. 
No. It's just that these ideas are starting to sink in for me, to the point that I may be more able to live them out.
I'm also aware that if he *perceives* me to be overemotional, he's entitled to that perception---even if he doesn't want me perceiving the wrong thing about him.
I'm entitled, also, to my perception.
Is it helpful to us if I control my perceptions and not react to them?
Yes.
Is it ever more helpful if he does likewise?
Yes.
Will this happen as a result of me fretting over it, and/or trying to get him to?
Probably not.
Might it happen in time? Sure.
Do I believe he can? Yes.
Is he more likely to if he feels loved? Definitely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

In a marriage, as long as it is not life threatening or fidelity threatening, there isn't much right or wrong going on. We just have different opinion. It is important to respect the other person's opinion, if we know that is something he strongly believes, then let it be. 

If you argue, and you have to win, but lose him, it only means you lose. If you don't argue, but keep the atmosphere peaceful, and you win his heart, it means YOU WIN. 

It will be great if he does the same, right now if he can't, but you can, it is still a great step for your marriage. 

At the beginning of our marriage, we need time to understand each other and get to know each other since we come from different background and up-bringing. After we know each other well, every thing will become easy.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

To me, "rather be happy than right" means that on something that doesn't really matter in the scheme of things, I'd rather let it go than argue and try to prove that I'm right. Even if I think he's wrong, if it's not something that's going to have a dramatic impact on our life or the kids lives, then I just let it go and let him think he's right. It also makes for a bigger impact when I do argue with him over something, because he knows that I won't argue with him unless it's truly important. So he then knows that he really needs to listen and take me seriously and really consider my point of view. 

It's not just letting him think he's right; it's also compromise. So in those biggies where I do think it's worth arguing, being happy rather than right also means that I might have to compromise with him and neither one of us gets exactly what we want but we both get some of what we want.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Makes sense to me...thank you for your replies...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

It's a "pick your battle" kinda thing. Some things can simply be let go for the greater good. Of BOTH of you. JMHO


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I don't know for me it's not that I think I'm right it's that I have the need to inspect, poke and prod a dead horse until I understand exactly why it died, when it died, how it died and if there's anything I can learn from it.

It drives many people insane including my husband at times. The good news is that it turns out I'm often wrong and I can admit it and my husband thinks my incessant need to talk and analyze is cute most times. The bad news is I don't think I could or would want to change it so if it suddenly became a source of deep unhappiness for my husband I'd be in trouble.

I guess my point is that you have to weigh your needs vs his needs and figure out how you both can get the most happiness from your actions/words.

The odds are when you think you're right you most likely aren't anyway because most marital arguments are based upon opinion and perception, so maybe you could accept something like, "I'm not right all the time anyway and I want to be happy". So you get to be right in your choice for happiness.


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## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

Pandakiss said:


> it means did he leave his drawers on the bathroom floor, yes, did you lecture him abput putting them in the basket, yes.
> 
> A: run to him, no matter what time of day of nite it is throw them in his face and scream at him about how many times you told hm to pick his stuff up, you are not his maid, i am not your servant....
> 
> ...


I'm going to do a little devil's advocate here.

What makes you think that you are right? Why are you trying to manipulate his emotions to get him to pick up his clothes? You are trying to shame him into doing something that you want done how YOU want it done regardless of what he thinks. That is out and out manipulation.

Where is it written that it is morally wrong to leave ones underwear on the floor. Do you think less of people who don't do things the way you do? Do you always try to manipulate your husband into doing things they way you want them done? Emotional manipulation is a quick way to make someone resent you.

/end Devil's Advocate

Why don't you just say, "I don't like it when you leave your cloths on the floor. From now on, I won't be washing the clothes you leave on the floor." No manipulation. No misunderstanding. He now knows if he doesn't put the clothes where you want, they won't get done and he will either do them himself, or do a little freeballin. No one gets manipulated. He might get mad at you, but that is his problem, not yours.

I go through this stuff with my wife all the time. I work, she doesn't. Our agreement is she takes care of the home and I take care of paying for the home. So far its worked out well.

My mother taught me to do laundry. She did an excellent job. However, I don't fold clothes the way my wife does, therefore by default, I'm wrong. Early in our marriage she started whining about how I folded all the clothes wrong and how I was going to learn to do it her way because she didn't like refolding all the clothes after I helped her by folding a load.

I told her, "No problem. The job is all yours. Since you are re-folding them, no sense in me wasting my energy." I haven't touched laundry since. 

What I'm trying to get at is there are reasonable requests, and unreasonable requests. Yours is reasonable. Just tell him straight out, "Clothes in the hamper or they don't get washed." Set the boundary to what you are willing to accept and what the consequence will be. If it is reasonable, he will accept it. If its not, he won't. When he runs out of undewear though, he will probably start using the hamper. 

Just remember though, this is a two way street and he might decide sometime to make the same types of requests from you. Reasonable or not.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Gotta be honest...I know and practice the wisdom of not picking on him for things like:
messiness, not filling or emptying the dishwasher my way, whatever...
Those things are innocent, I can live with that stuff.
I'm more talking about when he gets to the point that he truly does not see his own contribution to a conflict or disagreement.
What I'm "right" about is that he plays just as much a role as I do.
When he's frustrated and defensive, he only sees me being responsible.
But I'll be happier in THOSE moments if I just learn to drop it and not try to convince him that he's equally causing an issue--basically because that won't succeed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

Well.. Right and wrong can only be determined with facts. If he says 1+1=3 then he's wrong. It can be proven that 1+1=2. If you are arguing over buying a new house and you say you don't have enough money to cover it and show him, and he says you do and shows you, THAT is a matter of opinion. His budget might cut things you don't want to cut, etc.

Fights over who is right and who is wrong is stupid because you can google the answer and five seconds.

Disagreements over opinions are must less stupid and much more complicated because most times, both are right and this is where compromise comes in.

Also, the right and wrong arguments over "I told you about that last week, no you didn't, yes I did, no you didn't." ARE stupid and childish, because frankly, they can't be proven and most times they don't even matter.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

"Rather be happy than right" means I don't take hubby to task on every little issue that comes up. It means I gently remind him of something instead of shouting about his forgetfulness. 
It means that we enjoy each other physically, even if I'm displeased about problems that occur. There is no witholding as a way to punish, so that I can feel "right". It means accepting a sincere apology; forgiving him even if I'm still angry after an argument.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Very helpful!
I'll tell you, I've felt a lot happier once I decided that in general, I would rather be happy than right.
*Whether or not my hubs has decided the same thing.*
and we've been happier together in the past few days too...so whatever meaning I'm making of this, I'm going to keep up whatever it is.
Because one thing I've learned is that he's more willing to see and respect my point of view when he's happier overall.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I'm giving this some thought, as lately I'm coming to the conclusion that at least for the time being, it may be more helpful for me to sacrifice my point in a short term argument, for the sake of growing the long term. No doubt a LOT of the input from lots of you is helping me to do this.
> 
> Example:
> 
> ...


This is a way of thinking that I rebelled against. But once it took hold in me, it was very helpful.

Not only is there no argument which is worth that, IT IS TERRIBLY INEFFECTIVE. We very infrequently think of marital disputes as a time to be effective. But it is. Is it going to help our marriage move along peacefully and happily for me to lose my temper? NO! Will it help that goal to dig my heels in and say I NEED it my way? No. 

That is what it means to be happy rather than right. My POINT is not important. (Oh how hard it was to let go of my POINT. I am Irish after all.) We two being happy is important.




> Even if i'm right.


Important distinction. Even if you very strongly think you are right. If we were able to look at our discussions with perfect objectivity, which we aren't, we would see that the other party has also a measure of right. And who is right is unimportant. If there IS an objective right, it matters not at all since each of you THINKS you are right.




> Even if he's not doing unto me what he wanted me to do unto him.
> Instead my attitude was/is: "ok, you can perceive that right now."
> know why? Because at THAT moment, I'd be happier understanding that if HE'S emotionally reactive in a given moment, I can't expect more in terms of reasonable discussion.


And it takes some folk longer to learn new skills of this sort than others. As we always say here, it takes someone to lead the charge.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

These things are true, and the truths are gradually sinking in for me, and I also rebel against them sometimes...
I'm learning also that I am happier as I learn to basically "handle" my hubs in certain ways, depending on what he seems to need.
He's in a pill-ish mood today, stressed about money and so generally gripey about things in general..that I didn't scrub the dishes thoroughly enough before putting them in the dishwasher, that I didn't put something away where he wants it, whatever.
It is SO hard not to get defensive, but I know *I'm* not the one in the mood, so why put myself in that mood by arguing back?
I can honestly say I'm growing in terms of not being as affected by HIS emotional state, words, mood, as I ever have been.
That I can shrug off his pill-ishness, is keeping ME more peaceful and happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

it is no picnic to live with oscar. things i do is not to engage, i will put on a movie or something on demand. i will call my friend or my mother and let him have time to himself.

and not to make light of your situation or argument, but it kinda got a chuckle outta me, it sounded just like us. the only thing i could say to this is, do not engage, and talk aboout it later.

it is very hard to keep in control in these situations, but you must not engage, and just agree and walk away. if he continues to follow, tell him in a calm voice, that you would like to talk this through, but not like this.

he will be very angry, and feel as though you are not understanding his feelngs....but be very clear, you want to talk, but not like this. stay calm, read a book watch somrthing on tv, cook, call your mom.

anything to remove your self from the argument. later when everyone calmed down talk about whatever it was.

i hope this helps some.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I told my SO the other night that I think many a r-ship could be saved if the man and woman had separate bathrooms. I cleaned his out of nervous energy...I usually won't touch it with someone else's 20ft. pole. I don't use it, I don't clean it. Not THAT. He just grinned and agreed. He doesn't like using my bathroom, either. I don't want you leaving the caps open on the shampoos, conditioners, etc. I don't want you squeezing my toothpaste in the middle..and I don't want you leaving my toilet seat up. If we had to share a bathroom I'm not sure we'd still be together, lol!

However..I can't gripe about a whole lot. There are times I can't do things I need/want to do. The lions share of the housework is on me b/c he works too many hours. When hours are lower, he does more. But I don't want him griping about dishes left in the sink, so I'm not going to gripe about the clothes left on the floor on his side of the bed. I'm SURE not going to gripe about the numerous pair of underwear I find tangled up in the sheets!!!!!!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

HE gripes more about stuff like that than I do...not because they don't bother me, but because I *choose my battles.*

Another reason why is because I am pretty particular about other things, and I figure if I let him have his preferences and gripes here and there, then I get to have mine too.

Such as: I hate when he throws things into the car carelessly and they get bent, dirty, damaged. So I go in after him and re-pack, or "fix" something. He gets all grumnbly when I do that but hey, guess what, buddy: TOO BAD!!! You want to come in and examine every glass out of the dishwasher? Go ahead, but let me take care of the things we pack in the car!!!

OK, now I'm all worked up. Better take a deep breath and chill..


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

That's it credam...breathe. Then take another deep breath. You so know there are going to be the "little things" that can drive two people crazy when they choose to share lives. I ordinarily wouldn't consider myself a "persnickey" person...and my SO SURE the heck isn't. Upon reflection, I guess I'm more anal than he is. He puts up with me. 

It is a "pick you battle" thing. He does the right thing in the other aspects of life (the ones you EXPECT someone to be doing the right thing in, like work, no drug abuse, etc.) and after what I lived through, I'll take this any day. I also find that as I've aged some things just aren't a big deal anymore. My 10yo son has been the beneficiary of that more relaxed attitude as well. (I'm 52) He tripped on the cord to his little xmas tree, and it got dumped. Broken glass. Before, I would have been exasperated. Not angry, but exasperated. Now? No big deal. Stuff happens. Gawd, by the time I'm 60 nothing is going to matter anymore.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

mm, maybe the best thing I have going for me in this area is that I truly and sincerely *want* to be a relaxed and calm person who doesn't react at something like the tree falling over. And I keep it in mind. I taught elementary school for 6 years, for heaven's sake, I must've learned some of the "chill out" skills! Sometimes I am that calm person, sometimes I'm not.

But to give you some insight into my dear husband, who probably believes he is a laid-back character (but only is when he's in the mood to be)...

I said to him one time--not in an argument--"I think in general, I'd rather be happy and right."

He looked at me straight-faced and said: "What's the difference?"

I was speechless.


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