# I want sex... just not with him



## blackbird (Mar 13, 2010)

I'm new here, and I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this, but I'm just looking for some advice/opinions/whatever.

My H and I have been together for 6 years, married for almost 3. We haven't had sex in at least 4 months, though I'm not really sure how long it's been. There are a lot of reasons for this, and I'm not sure what to do about any of them. There's no one else - I'm not seeing anyone else, and I'm as positive that he's not seeing anyone else as a person can be without being a mindreader. He basically makes no attempts to initiate sex, but neither do I. He just... doesn't do it for me, I guess.

I have a healthy sexual appetite. I have "sex" by myself at least once a day, sometimes more. I'm sure he's taking care of his own needs as well. But every time I even think about trying to initiate something with him, I get turned off by the idea. For one, I just can't orgasm from anything other than my vibrator. My H is, in fact, the only person I've had an orgasm with during sex, but it's only happened once, very early on in our relationship, and there were intoxicating substances involved. He's just too gentle with me, and nothing I can do or say will get him to be otherwise.

He won't use his tongue when he kisses me. I really like biting (both giving and receiving), but if I even touch him with my teeth, he freaks out. When we ever do have sex, there's almost no foreplay at all, and while I've never had a moisture problem in that area before, he wont put forth the little effort required for me to be ready for him. He'd rather just spit on his hand (sorry to be crude), and lube me up that way, but I find that so disgusting that just that idea makes me pull back whenever he tries to initiate sex.

I want sex, and with an actual person, not just a toy, but not him. I have no desire to cheat, though, nor anyone I'd even remotely consider cheating with anyway. I just don't know what to do at this point. Sometimes I feel like I just might as well be single, since I'm living like I am.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Then tell him you want to want to have sex....just not with him..
Either make agreement that this is ok,,...you will divorce or (maybe least likeluy based on your writing) he will wake up,, make changes and you'll want him again.

Oneof those three scenarios is how I personally see it.
Longer you avoid the conversation...longer you suffer. 

Seriously.


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## Jdack (Dec 3, 2009)

Blackbird

Has the sex always been this way between you or is something new here (Did he initiate sex often before marriage) If you married this man knowing he is not the aggressive type in bed and maybe did not please you sexually before you married either (sounds like he did not please you before marriage either if you only climaxed once), but you want him to change now? I'm not saying people cannot change over time, but everyone is different and we accept some things going into marriage. My wife is open to some new ideas and is not the initiator, but I knew that going into our marriage and it worked well, because I was an initiator. If he is not pleasing you, that is an issue. Are you perhaps relying too much on sex toys and not involving him more often, I know you are having a tough time wanting sex with him now, but is it because of poor sex experiences or is there other issues that need to be resolved first? 

The fact that you do not want to have sex with the man you chose to marry tells me there may be other underlying issues to resolve first. when you have attraction, sex is much more natural. You say there is alot of reasons for not having sex - what are the reasons?

As a man, I would probably feel very very inadequate if I knew that my wife rarely climaxed or only climaxed once in our life together, but that she could and does climax daily with sex toys- would be a real ego burst for me and would probably be turned off by the whole situation. Have you tried leading your husband /hints to do what he needs to so you climax more. Will your husband use the toys with you or invite him to? 
Did you always have sex toys, before marriage too or did you bring these in after marriage without discussion with your husband - he may feel he has been replaced and not needed sexually?? I also think to be comfortable initiating sex regularly you have to have some confidence in this area and know you can get the job done and satisfy your partner, if this has not been happening his confidence level I suspect is down in the pits. Again, have you tried to help him become better at sex (without putting him down during this teaching lesson)?

If you are sending out signals that you do not like sex with him, then why would he possibly want to initiate more often?

Maybe a serious talk with your husband and suggest couselling to see if you can work on the core issues, if you want to save your marriage that is? Has your husband ever opened up with you and told you why he is not initiating sex?

No one said marriage was easy, but keeping communication lines open is a start. It is also not fair to any partner to expect them to change into someone else after marriage , or at the very least, you should be very patient about it and respect that it may take some time for it to happen.

Good luck.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

blackbird said:


> I'm new here, and I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this, but I'm just looking for some advice/opinions/whatever.
> 
> My H and I have been together for 6 years, married for almost 3. We haven't had sex in at least 4 months, though I'm not really sure how long it's been. There are a lot of reasons for this, and I'm not sure what to do about any of them. There's no one else - I'm not seeing anyone else, and I'm as positive that he's not seeing anyone else as a person can be without being a mindreader. He basically makes no attempts to initiate sex, but neither do I. He just... doesn't do it for me, I guess.
> 
> ...


it seems there is a lack of love between u & ur spouse , & thats the reason u get turned-off with the idea of sex with him.
as u said u feel u r living like a single ,u need to seriously ask urself if you really love him ? Then only u can get answers to ur issues
Best of luck


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## kiwigirl (Mar 29, 2010)

i knw how u feel when u say ur not attracted to ur husband ne more. my husband is amazing and i do love him alot but im not attractd to him ne more. hes a gud looking guy so its not like thats the reason. and its not sex im put off coz i see other guys when i go out and im attracted to them. i dnt knw hw to fix it :S


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Do you really love him? Did you ever really love him or was it that you had that one orgasm and were confused by that? (as in thought the sex would end up being alright).

I can see why you don't want to have sex with him. Any guy that's willing to use spit to rush things along doesn't care about your sexual pleasure. Why would you ever want to have sex with a man like that?

On the other hand, don't conclude that he's selfish or doesn't love you. Maybe he really just doesn't get it. It's amazing to ponder, but yes some guys really don't get it and think that's okay. It may not even cross their mind that, hey, I want an orgasm too or hey, I'd like to be aroused and physically ready before we take that extra step.

So, tell him. You have nothing to lose by being completely honest (in a loving way).


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## Keely (Apr 25, 2010)

Guys find out about a woman's body from experimentation, and discover accidentally how to press a woman's buttons if they go out with enough partners. Some never learn the right way.

I hope you can rebuild communication, but I suspect you need a much more agressive lover to top up your marriage. Your H is too gentle, and will probably never change.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

No attraction=no marriage. I agree with 63vino... the longer you dont do something the longer you will suffer... or worse, become a numb person, like the walking dead. Tell him to learn what you like and dont like or allow open marriage. As it stands, there is no marriage between you two.


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