# Staying friends?



## CSeryllum

So...my divorce process is going to get ugly. Not that I wanted it to, but it's where she's driving things...I always imagined we'd still be friends, despite knowing that seeing her date other men would probably change that...

I am curious...

Did your divorce end in an ugly way? Was it mutual? Did you not want the divorce in the first place? What was your experience?

And with that...Were you able to stay friends? how has that experience been? Tell me your story!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

If the relationship has been unstable, that is partner/friend not following through, leaving you in the lurch, withholding critical information, not managing their moods in a mature way, asking you to pick up slack, not censoring themselves when it comes to situation/topic despite inside/intimate knowledge about your triggers, too much gossip, asking you to take a back seat too many times to their own interests or others who are on the fringe, not respecting your privacy or stated boundaries, pressuring, falling short when you've been sick or in an unavoidable crisis situation (i.e. layoffs going on at your work, in my instance a horrific murder within my estranged but geographically close family of origin..., asking you to trade off on interests rather than sharing interests and then letting you pursue your own without badgering or trying to spoil it for you...

at some point you need to re-evaluate your criteria for a friend.
Is it that you want someone who knows your history and knows you? In that case, you might do better having some long lunches with a friend of the same gender, someone who will be resilient to marriage/dating. 

I've curtailed/ended friendships of same gender over less than what it took to end the 'friendship' associated with my marriage. My H turned vicious when he again (for the umpteenth time) suggested divorce and I FINALLY accepted. He framed it as a sort of discussion (well, it wasn't quite a discussion because he moved to the kitchen and was way far away from me when he suggested it, something a FRIEND would not do in such a discussion, IMO), then when I agreed with his assessment, he called me names and said underhanded things. So I asked myself, is this the kind of person I would want as a friend? I don't think so. With my friends, whom I've known since I was 10 (I'm 48) we can always have discussions about major issues that might otherwise divide us. Even new friends I've had for a few years, are tight in terms of having heart to hearts to maintain and treausure the friendship. Friends don't swear at each other and use inside information viciously. If they're hurt or concerned about something, they discuss it rationally. It's the same thing at work. If you have to have some kind of power struggle going on with your supervisor or boss, what kind of job is that for a citizen of a free country? Our ancestors didn't shed blood for us to have that kind of life. 

History is one thing, but the present should be at least acceptable and safe.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

My husband hates all women. He once told me that he will never be able to respect women ever. He truly thinks all women are going to hell. He even told this to my daughter. He can't stand his own daughters because they are female. One is mine the other is my daughters half sister, which my ex refuses to let my daughter talk with her siblings. My ex was very verbally abusive. Luckily I left after a year and now I have a wonderful life. I never remained friends with my ex. He so full of hatred, it's unbelievable. I've never in my life seen a parent have so much hatred for a child that has done nothing wrong. He's very sick minded.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shooboomafoo

Tearful statements about "needing me always in her life".
"Dont make this ugly, because I wasnt going to,, butttt..."

Friends? No. Not in this lifetime.
She cheated, chose another man, saw him while married to me and humiliated and sh!t on what was a family. A normal, problem having family.

The secrecy and deception alone, whilst I took her word that we were okay, was enough to render her untrustworthy.
She is simply a person that physically bore my daughter, and I no longer hold her in any regard other than a living being.
I dont want her friendship, nor do I desire any more contact than absolutely neccessary.
I didnt want a divorce, but evidently the marriage was over long before divorce was ever mentioned. I just happened to think nothing was at that point yet. But so many lies. So much dodging of any responsibility. A simple apology would have done a tremendous thing, compared to blameshifting, history rewriting, all of which becomes quite offensive after awhile.
No, in my life ive used the term hate for things, but often used without much thought to the word itself. But I can honestly state that with every inflection of the word, I "hate" what shes done to me and how. 

My ability to move on is contingent on distancing myself from that woman. Unfortunately, as you all know, shes right across the street from me most nights at another dudes house. I cant even get away from her. In my face, I guess?

Shes a sponge. She will use up every ounce of help, offering, kindness extended, and true core feeling everyone around her has and leave them without reciprocation. Yet still consider herself a friend. An empty void, of which I cast the entire definition of my version of Love into, and eventually ran out of.


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## Mavash.

My sister divorced husband #2 because he was drinking and angry. It did not end pretty.

It's been in the range of 10 years since then and he's cleaned up his act (diabetes will do that to you). Anyway they are friends now and they are both dating other people. So my family dinners are unusual since they are both there with their boyfriend/girlfriend.

I think it's great because they share a 14 year old daughter. I actually like my ex BIL so I don't mind him coming around at all.


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## cherokee96red

Almost a year since Lieceratops made his marital exit to Trampasaurus Wrecks' nest and informed me of said decision by a phone call (chicken sh!t coward!). Neither of us can afford even the cheapest divorce yet, still legally married. I saw him at son's wedding back in Oct. He still contacts me, gets bent when I don't answer his calls or return them. 

This past weekend my granddaughter was born (10 weeks early but she's doing great!) and I was there, he missed it, being that he's chosen to be in a different state now. DS had told me that he really wished his dad was there too, knife to my heart because I could feel son's disappointment (among other emotions). 

Guess what it boils down to is although STBXH keeps insisting that he wants us to be friends I have told him this: "Being my friend is a priviledge you have to earn and your priviledges have been revoked."


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## nice777guy

The court ordered "co-parenting" class we took suggested treating your ex like a co-worker. Be cordial and polite while working out differences.

Let's just say I'm glad I don't have any co-workers quite like her.

Her moods fluctuate greatly - which is funny since she blamed ME for making her miserable. I thought her life would be one big party after getting out from under all of my controlling oppressiveness. But - maybe it wasn't all me after all.

I try to be friendly when her mood is good. Unlike before though, when her mood is NOT good, I can much more easily just walk away and not let it bother me.

But with two younger kids and shared custody - it would be nice to keep things as friendly as possible - just without the emotional entanglements.


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## Airbus

Too many expections to remain friends at the end of a relationship. It ended, it was sh!t, who wants to stay friends? I never understood that. If I wanted to stay friends with you, I'd never have dumped your a$$ in the first place!


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## Jellybeans

CSeryllum said:


> Did your divorce end in an ugly way? Was it mutual? Did you not want the divorce in the first place? What was your experience?!


Yes. No. Yes. It was the most insane emotional experience of my life.



CSeryllum said:


> And with that...Were you able to stay friends? how has that experience been?


Oh we tried but I realize I can't be frends with him. We didn't start as friends so why would we end as friends? We are cordial and that is a good thing.


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## Jellybeans

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> My husband hates all women. He once told me that he will never be able to respect women ever.


Sounds like my ex. He constantly refers to woman as 
"b!tches." I am so glad you got away from that guy, InLove.


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## nice777guy

Airbus said:


> Too many expections to remain friends at the end of a relationship. It ended, it was sh!t, who wants to stay friends? I never understood that. If I wanted to stay friends with you, I'd never have dumped your a$$ in the first place!


To me, there's a different level of intimacy. I don't need my friends to be open and transparent.

And if a friend is having a bad day, its ok sometimes to walk away and let them figure it out - or ask for your help after they've calmed down.

We were friends before - and I really hope we can be something similar to friends again.

Something I always tell myself when I'm feeling angry or bitter - her failures are not my successes. I have no reason to wish any ill will on her - as her problems could affect our children.

So - I try to stay positive - take the good - but leave the bad.

She claimed before that "of course" she plans to help the kids do something nice for me on my birthday next month. But that was the nice "Dr. Jekyl" speaking. And really - at this point - just going out to dinner with my girls will be enough for me.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Jellybeans said:


> Sounds like my ex. He constantly refers to woman as
> "b!tches." I am so glad you got away from that guy, InLove.


Me too! I'm now with the love of my life and my best friend! I married the polar opposite the second time around!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## madaboutlove

My H wanted us to be friends, he thinks that people always regret that they get angry and crazy during the divorce, then get over it later, but the truth is, I cannot imagine being close to him without being his wife. He never shared much of himself with me during our marriage and I expect that of my friends.


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## WomanScorned

I guess we're staying friends. It's strange, but I think it's good for the kids. He and I started out as friends. It's weird to talk about current relationships with your ex, but that has happened. I'm glad it never got really ugly, though I suppose I would have been justified in getting really ugly about the whole thing as he was the one who had an affair and initiated the divorce. It just makes things easier for the kids, and that's my number one priority right now.


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## Freak On a Leash

Hard to be friends when you still love each other.  It's so easy to fall into the same behavior patterns over and over again. I think you have to separate emotionally as well as physically, then friendship MIGHT happen. 

I'm working on the first part now. It's not easy, especially when you have kids involved. You owe it to the kids to be at least cordial and polite but I think you have to lay down boundaries that you both adhere to and respect.


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## proudwidaddy

@Freak,
You are right about the boundaries, my wife wanted the divorce but there were many times when I would come over to get the kids and she would passionately kiss me, hug me, etc. But she says she doesn't have those feelings for me anymore. I told her I don't do that with my "just friends". If she is going to kiss me like that, I want it to be from my wife, which she doesn't want to be anymore.

I'm cordial because of the kids, but she was my best friend. She doesn't get that benefit anymore since she is removing me from the marriage. SHe has to see what she is losing.


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## Freak On a Leash

Yeah, my husband and I tried the whole "hanging out" with each other. Him sleeping over and what not. It made things worse because I found myself falling into the same old habits as before. I found myself getting angry at myself and as a result, picking fights with him. You can't have it all ways. You have to pick what path you need to follow and stick to it. 

We'd even given each other the keys to our respective homes. Now we are giving them back. I can't tell you the relief I felt when we decided that. 

He says he wants to be "friends first". I said "I don't sleep with my friends." 

It's unfortunate. We started out as best friends. Our marriage ruined that so we have to break apart to come together again as friends, if it's even possible. Weird, eh? :scratchhead:


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## TheMizz...erable

Well I wanted to take the high road. Tried not to get ugly like she seemed to be doing. We parted as much as friends as we good be. She's moved now so I do not see her anymore but we can speak civily. Still think of her and miss her but I am trying to get over her.


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## sammy3

I am hoping my STBXH and I will remain friends after our wounds heal. This is my goal as our 28 yr marriage was on the whole good. 
I dont know if it's a reality or not, but it's a path I prefer to follow .

~sammy


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## southbound

My wife divorced me after 18 years because she was no longer "happy." :scratchhead: I did not want the divorce, and we remain 'civil," but I wouldn't say we're friends. I really don't have any time for someone who would ruin a lot of lives because life just wasn't as peachy as she wanted( I wasn't cheating, abusive,.. nothing), and I guess she doesn't have any time for a horrible person like me who didn't like going on vacation as much as she and didn't like playing board games with her family. 

I guess I'm just different, but I never understood how some people can be married for years and then divorce and be big buddies. It doesn't make sense to me.


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## mdill

southbound said:


> My wife divorced me after 18 years because she was no longer "happy." :scratchhead: I did not want the divorce, and we remain 'civil," but I wouldn't say we're friends. I really don't have any time for someone who would ruin a lot of lives because life just wasn't as peachy as she wanted( I wasn't cheating, abusive,.. nothing), and I guess she doesn't have any time for a horrible person like me who didn't like going on vacation as much as she and didn't like playing board games with her family.
> 
> I guess I'm just different, but I never understood how some people can be married for years and then divorce and be big buddies. It doesn't make sense to me.


:iagree: I didn't want the divorce, was never told why it was necessary. :scratchhead: but how do you stay married to someone who doesn't want to be married to you.:scratchhead: Once I realized that I didn't really know who I was married to, I had no interest in being friends. We were to were "civil" cooperative parents to our children. We both resisted any temptation to trash the other around the kids... thankfully. Based on where the kids are with their lives, you could conclude our parenting relationship worked.


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## Freak On a Leash

sammy3 said:


> I am hoping my STBXH and I will remain friends after our wounds heal. This is my goal as our 28 yr marriage was on the whole good.
> I dont know if it's a reality or not, but it's a path I prefer to follow .
> 
> ~sammy


I think it's the healing of the wounds that's important to actually being friends. 

When I'm angry and resentful of my husband about all that went on between us, there's no way we can be friends. There's just anger and bitterness and the falling into old habits, digging up the past and rehashing it, etc, etc. All that is an impediment to a potential friendship. 

I've often said that the physical separation is the easy part. It's the EMOTIONAL separation that's most difficult. I think only when that's achieved can you move on and indeed be friends. I think it's possible as long as both parties can give up the past feelings and bitterness and move forward. 

That said, I think that sometimes it's impossible so why play games? If you have children you owe it to the them to at least be cordial and co-parent effectively. It's the burden you have as parents and the responsible way to do things. 

I've always told my husband that I would never stand in the way of his relationship with the kids, assuming that he isn't a harmful influence to them. I like the idea of my husband and I remaining friends because I do enjoy his company in many ways but as long as I retain anger and bitterness about the things that happened between us it's not possible. 

There was a time I thought we could work through our problems by spending quality time together. Now I've come to the opposite conclusion and decided that taking time apart is the answer. Only when the pain and hurt becomes a distant memory can friendship be achieved. At least that's how it works for me.


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## southbound

mdill said:


> :iagree: I didn't want the divorce, was never told why it was necessary. :scratchhead: but how do you stay married to someone who doesn't want to be married to you.:scratchhead: Once I realized that I didn't really know who I was married to, I had no interest in being friends. We were to were "civil" cooperative parents to our children. We both resisted any temptation to trash the other around the kids... thankfully. Based on where the kids are with their lives, you could conclude our parenting relationship worked.


If someone truly doesn't want to be married to you, that is one thing. I just think people need to be sure it's not a mid-life crisis or something they will regret down the road.


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## madaboutlove

@South, you say a lot of things here that make sense. The long term marriage (28 years) and then be buddies thing is too weird for me too. ANd the not be married to me thing is at least partly because of mid-life something, but whether there is regret later will remain to be seen. We too, have 2 great kids, I spent a lot of time parenting them and I think I can be ok spending time with their dad


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## Nikolauz

Freak On a Leash said:


> ...You can't have it all ways. You have to pick what path you need to follow and stick to it...


So true, You can't have it all ways! I'm trying to find the middle ground too, but for now it seems like a no-man's land.


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