# A new Struggle...



## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

Exposing this affair is tiresome. I am getting a false sense of hope. I know better than this, but for some reason I am grasping onto the straws of her family pulling her out of the fog. At least for a bit. 

I have been struggling with the idea of ever taking her back and I feel that I would still. I hate that I would allow this back into my life. I made a promise to love her, to be with her forever. I made the promise to be with her through good times and bad.

I believe my vows. I believe in this.

I have started to treat my stbxw with the utmost respect and kindness. Along with forgiveness.

Why would I let someone walk on me and be able to forgive them like this?

I guess it is me or am I in denial, being pathetic?


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

I know exactly the hope you're talking about, but sometimes I wonder if it is false hope. I've asked my WH several times if divorce is really what he wants, if he really wants to be with the OW over me, etc. He never answers me. Maybe because he wants to have his cake and eat it too and keep me hanging on? Or maybe because he wants to be together but is facing so many internal struggles of his own that he doesn't even know where to start? I feel your pain.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you can't control your spouse

you can only control yourself and how you react to what they do when they are dishing out harm


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> you can't control your spouse
> 
> you can only control yourself and how you react to what they do when they are dishing out harm


What I am trying to do now. Focus on being kind and generous and just being an all around better person. If not for her for myself. 

I will be able to control myself, I know it in my heart. I just know a storm is a comin.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Traggy said:


> What I am trying to do now. Focus on being kind and generous and just being an all around better person. If not for her for myself.
> 
> I will be able to control myself, I know it in my heart. I just know a storm is a comin.



I am with you as far as willing to take him back to work on things... not as was but in a new relationship. He knows me better than anyone and is pushing all my buttons to push me away/punish me. He will be losing in the end... the kids and myself are being pushed. 

It may be false hope but right now any hope helps that and xanax

Keep working on you. You will look good to everyone (maybe even her) and she will look like a fool.


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

Traggy may I ask what you did to expose the affair? And to whom? I had thought about that as well....but truly I know his family is well aware of what is going on and wouldn't care anyway...and as for her...I don't know if she's aware of all the details of timing but I'm assuming she's well aware he is still married...


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

aqua123 said:


> I know exactly the hope you're talking about, but sometimes I wonder if it is false hope. I've asked my WH several times if divorce is really what he wants, if he really wants to be with the OW over me, etc. He never answers me. Maybe because he wants to have his cake and eat it too and keep me hanging on? Or maybe because he wants to be together but is facing so many internal struggles of his own that he doesn't even know where to start? I feel your pain.


This is exactly where I am with my H. I could have written this Post. When I mention divorce he is silent!
I am being as understanding and non confrontational As anyone can be but I don't know if it's helping the situation or not. I just haven't got the strength to be angry 
DG
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

I agree with DG, I don't have the energy anymore to be angry.

The anger served its purpose for a while--it helped me to see the reality of my situation and realize that the man I loved and cherished is just gone.

But, now, I just want to be the absolute best mom I can be....and just the best person I can be. I want to focus on making the lives of my loved ones better. I want peace.

So, I am not even bothering to think about my ex anymore. He doesn't matter anymore. 

I gave up those thoughts of "what if's", "could have's", "should have beens", "could be's","should be's", etc for Lent. It is hard sometimes, because I catch myself thinking a little too much about that stuff. But, when I do start thinking about the "what ifs", I stop myself--I visualize stuffing those thoughts into a helium balloon and just letting it go and float up to the sky...and then I say a prayer for someone else. 

I know--it probably sounds lame, but it helps. I am finding more peace in my life this way.


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

melissa68 said:


> Traggy may I ask what you did to expose the affair? And to whom? I had thought about that as well....but truly I know his family is well aware of what is going on and wouldn't care anyway...and as for her...I don't know if she's aware of all the details of timing but I'm assuming she's well aware he is still married...



The beauty of all of this is simply, her brother reached out to me. He did not believe the lies that she spoke. Her brother has taken this upon himself to expose this affair. I just spoke the truth.

The truth sets you free I guess. I am just struggling with the fact that her support group now is really pissed at her. I did not manipulate anyone and anything. These people know how unstable she is. They have been dealing with her their entire lives. I swear when I speak to them it is like they already know what I am going to say.

It lets me know that I am not crazy. It lets me know that she needs my help now. I will do anything I can to help her, with her or without her. 

It is the first step.


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

I do not look at this as false hope. I look at this as dealing with a situation and making myself prepared for anything that can happen in the future. 

I will always love this woman. She is the mother of my daughter. I watched her give birth. I helped her through her surgeries. I have always taken care of her. 

One of my truest mistakes though is I did not take control of my family. I lived very passively and let a lot of the decisions fall onto my wife. I was not the head of household. I was weak.

I am taking control of it now. I am being a man. I am going to show her exactly the man I am now. If she still doesn't want it, that is fine. I will have learned a valuable lesson and I will come out on the other end one way or the other.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You are being kind of a doormat. You think it is a privilege to be with her. She thinks she is doing a favor by being with you. 

It won't work out with this mentality.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> You are being kind of a doormat. You think it is a privilege to be with her. She thinks she is doing a favor by being with you.
> 
> It won't work out with this mentality.


You cannot "nice" a wayward out of an affair. 

I think you have alot of noble ideas Traggy. Problem is she doesn't care about nobility. Selfishness is her language.


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