# How can I be sure?



## EmStacey (Aug 8, 2020)

A few of months ago my husband went out for drinks with another woman. I was aware of this and said he could go. ( In hindsight I should have said no but I didn’t. Either way he shouldn’t need me to tell him the right thing to do.)

In the end he ended up staying over at hers because he missed the last train home and didn’t want to pay £60 for a taxi. I had also had a couple of wines so couldn’t drive to pick him up.

I am suspicious that something happened between them that night. We had a huge argument about it the next day and he said that nothing happened.

should I contact the woman to ask for reassurance? I am worried she may tell him I am asking about that night.

I now have trust issues and it’s affecting our marriage. We had only been married a few months at the time and I felt the need to make it work, but I now think if this is what is happening so early on in our marriage that the rest of it could be the same if not worse.

it’s still on my mind a lot and I’m not sure how to address it. He says nothing happened but I’m not entirely sure I believe him - that isn’t normal behaviour in a marriage!

advice on how to bring up a previous issue and if I should contact the woman!


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

EmStacey said:


> A few of months ago my husband went out for drinks with another woman. I was aware of this and said he could go. ( In hindsight I should have said no but I didn’t. Either way he shouldn’t need me to tell him the right thing to do.)
> 
> In the end he ended up staying over at hers because he missed the last train home and didn’t want to pay £60 for a taxi. I had also had a couple of wines so couldn’t drive to pick him up.
> 
> ...


Is this the same sleepover that occurred in November of last year?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sorry but why was your husband going for drinks with another woman? On what was basically a date? Who is she? Where did they meet? Why couldn't you go? Him staying the night, nope. If he was stupid enough to miss the last train home and it wasn't intentional, then he should have paid for a taxi. Did he contact you and tell you he was staying? What did you say?


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

How can you be sure of what, that he didn't cheat? You can't be. You can prove that he cheated but you will never prove he didn't.

I'd find a good marriage counselor if you're trying to save the relationship. Could be he is innocent but just really stupid. A married man has no business going out for drinks alone with another woman. Sleeping at her place to save a few bucks...words fail me. I would have walked home if I had no other way home.

Whether he cheated or not, it is clear that you no longer trust him. You need to figure out if you can repair the trust. Don't spend the next 5+ years trying to bury these feelings while secretly harboring anger and resentment. It will eventually blow up and you will have much more time invested and possibly kids together.

If you have not already, you must have a completely open and honest conversation with your husband about what you are feeling. Be calm and direct. I wouldn't bother calling the other woman. If she says nothing happened, you won't believe her. If she says they had sex, she could be lying to break you two up so she can move in. Honestly, even if he did not have sex with her, his behavior is not acceptable to you. You both need to either agree to some reasonable ground rules or your marriage is doomed anyway. In many cases, the appearance of impropriety is just as bad as actual impropriety. 

I wish you good luck.


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## Emmalyne (Dec 30, 2020)

I hate to say it, but I think you should just assume that something probably did happen, either emotional cheating or physical cheating. You didn't say who this woman is to your husband, so while I can give him the benefit of the doubt and say that there is nothing wrong with getting drinks with an old childhood friend (for example), he should have made sure that he left in time to catch the last train. The fact that he didn't means he was probably really enjoying her company such that he was okay with not even coming home to you. That would not be okay with me and would be considered emotional cheating. Is he still in contact with her? If so, then I think you should have a serious conversation with your husband again about what this woman means to him. If not, then you will have to decide either to forgive him for this one night and move on or not. I would not contact this woman to confirm. What can she say that will make you satisfied? She can either say yes, they did cheat, or she can say no, in which case you will still always have a doubt.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No point in contacting her. She has no reason to tell you what really happened.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

Openminded said:


> No point in contacting her. She has no reason to tell you what really happened.


that, and married men do not go on dates with other women,
do not stay the night with them at their place.

mandatory polygraph test and serve him with divorce papers.
this is the way he acts after only a few months?
remember this behavior is a good indicator of his future
behavior.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Unless you witness it with your own eyes or you come across some of their conversations where they explicitly state, “it was great having sexual intercourse with you last night....”, You will never know with 100% certainty whether his penis entered her vagina or not.

You are going to have to rely on a bit of faith whether you believe they had sex or believe that they didn’t. 

What you do know with certainty (or at least what you should know by now) is that his behavior is completely inappropriate for a married man. 

He is pretty much openly dating and having overnights with another woman and then having conversations afterwards where they are saying how great it was and how they miss each other etc. 

Why would he even go through that trouble and bother unless there was some tail in it for him????


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Openminded said:


> *No point in contacting her. She has no reason to tell you what really happened.*


100% correct. She is HIS friend, not the OP's. We know who her loyalty lies with and it's not the OP. Besides, he's no doubt already rehearsed with her what to say to you OP if you call her. So when you call her and her story is very, very similar to your husband's, don't be under the impression that his story "must be true" because their stories were so similar. I mean, come on, this ain't rocket science.

What supposed married man "goes out for drinks" with a woman then sleeps over her damned HOUSE?

*



We had a huge argument about it the next day and he said that nothing happened.

Click to expand...

*Now THAT'S a shocker. And he'll continue telling you that LIE until you come up with ironclad proof of his misdeeds.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

This is a MAJOR issue to have a few months in to being married... if this is the low level of respect he has for your marriage at the beginning this is a really bad sign of what’s to come.

He is showing you who he is right off the bat, doing you a favor by not even hiding it. Now you are showing him who you are, are you the doormat who will put up with it and have this happen again and again, (though I’m sure he will simply lie better in the future, he is already gaslighting you at 2 months!) or do you demand more respect for yourself and the sanctity of marriage?

To me personally, decent, caring, loving, and loyal husbands do not entertain women, go to bars with them sans wife, get drunk with them, and have sleepovers. Any one behavior would be unacceptable to me, all of them together at 2 months in? Marriage killer. And let’s be realistic... he screwed her and they will both hide it from you. So you have a man that’s been unfaithful to you at the beginning of your marriage. Ripping this leech off at 2 months will be much less painful than at 5, 10,15+ years and with children involved. Read some stories here if you need evidence of that.

I want you to also take into account, most cheaters here started their marriage by being a good spouse and not doing the things your husband is already doing... most take a few years (some a decade) to start the behavior you are seeing now...unless they are serial cheaters. I want you to really think about what that means for you and any kids you bring into the world with this guy.

I’m sorry you are here, but I think you know why you came here and posted; you need someone to tell you you aren’t crazy for feeling this way. You aren’t crazy. You married the wrong man.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Also want to add, this is a guy who purposefully places himself in compromising positions with a woman...drunk, alone, going to her house, sleeping over... even if they didn’t have sex he is obviously willing to place himself in a situation where it could EASILY happen. This isn’t what people who respect their marriage and fidelity do! Listen to what his actions are telling you not his mouth. That’s my advice for any relationship, from the school of Hard Knox.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

And really, I just read your other post on this subject...




EmStacey said:


> Girl: "Hey man! How are you doing in lockdown?"
> Husband: "Hey Honestly, missing you. Haven't been able to get you out of my head for a couple of days now - been meaning to message you but work kept getting in the way. How about you?"
> Girl: Taken another intermission from work because i had nothing to do. What have you ben doing?"
> Husband: "Oh nothing, dramatic, just really enjoyed the night we had together - would love another!"





EmStacey said:


> He asked me if I minded him going round to hers as he was worried about her due to her mental health problems. I said that I would never stop him doing anything but it makes me sad that he wants to go and see other women - I would rather he didnt. I also said how would he feel if I did the same with a man and he said he would feel really uncomfortable but really appreciated how 'strong' I am about this.


And he’s paying attention to his appearance and acting strangely. What will it possibly take to convince you?

YOUR HUSBAND IS HAVING AN AFFAIR AND YOU KNOW IT.


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## Rlc307 (Jan 14, 2018)

After reading through the comments I went and looked at your other post. After reading all of those details, to be honest I'm wondering how you aren't sure (but I think you are). There is 100% no way I'd stay in that relationship. You sound like a nice person and I'm astonished at the level of disrespect that he's dishing at you. You are smarter than this. Stop letting him take advantage of you, please.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

You cannot _possibly_ be this naive.

Can you?


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Yep he's most likely had sex with her. But even if he hasn't he has broken your trust by staying overnight alone with another woman.

I and the vast majority of married men wouldn't have gone on a date with another woman for drinks in the first place (it was a date, just the two of them) and if I did for some reason do this for a specific reason and my wife was okay with it, I would be damn sure to be on the last train home. And if, for some seriously unexpected reason I did end up missing the train I would have stumped up for a taxi. I would never ever think it would be appropriate to stay overnight alone with another woman, ever.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

EmStacey said:


> I was aware of this and said he could go.


You get this weeks award ES.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

EmStacey said:


> A few of months ago my husband went out for drinks with another woman. I was aware of this and said he could go. ( In hindsight I should have said no but I didn’t. Either way he shouldn’t need me to tell him the right thing to do.)
> 
> In the end he ended up staying over at hers because he missed the last train home and didn’t want to pay £60 for a taxi. I had also had a couple of wines so couldn’t drive to pick him up.
> 
> ...


He didn't want to pay 60 quid for a taxi but it is ok to create this breach of trust in his marriage. if you divorce him, he'll be paying alot more than 60 quid. What the hell is he doing going out for drinks with a woman alone anyhow? I call ********! 

He is setting the bar for your marriage, where he goes on dates with women, stays out late drinking, stays out overnight, etc. You will have a long life of misery if you stay with this man. He is being disrespectful and you are only newly married to boot! 
Married men are just that 'married' and he should not be acting like a single man. Tell him to move out. You don't trust him and go get yourself a lawyer. Tell your family and friends what has happened, expose his ****ty behavior. If you do not stand up for yourself now and show him what your standards are for the marriage, he will treat you like a doormat and it wont get better. In fact maybe you made a mistake in marrying this man as he most definitely is either too immature or not marriage material.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

aine said:


> maybe you made a mistake in marrying this man as he most definitely is either too immature or not marriage material.


There's no "maybe". Correct your mistake, live a better life. You have all the certainty you need. If he really wants the marriage, let him "prove"..... burden of proof is on him. If not proven to your satisfaction (and, it won't be)....just move on. You have grounds for divorce in all places I know of.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@EmStacey , I’ve read all your posts and you are in the same boat as 5 months ago. He’s been cheating on you and using you as his soft landing, his maid, banker etc. He is a parasite. 
I hope you have gone to see that lawyer or go to Citizens Advise Bureau for free legal advice.
You take your PoS husband aside and tell him he has no respect for you and if he wants to be in your life the dates must stop, he needs to get a part time job to contribute to the household and pay his way you are no longer supporting him. Then stop all cooking cleaning etc for him.
Do a hard 180 on him. Tell all family and friends about what he has been doing. Texting and telling a girl he misses her means he is cheating, dressing up to meet her means he is trying to impress her. A married man should be doing none of these things. Next time he wants to go see her, tell him he can but not to come back. He’ll find his **** on the doorstep. Get some backbone.
we are treated the way we allow people to treat us.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

From what I see, it seems that it’s actually him sort of throwing himself at her and she’s not really feeling it?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Luckylucky said:


> From what I see, it seems that it’s actually him sort of throwing himself at her and she’s not really feeling it?


So what if the feeling is reciprocated or not. The next woman, the feelings may well be reciprocated and you have an affair. No married man (or woman) should be spending their energy on another person in this way. He is using OP while he swans around doing a PhD and contributing nothing. I did a PhD, while working full time, taking care of my teenage kids, husband and household so please, there is no reason why he cannot go get a job! He is a parasite who has no respect for her and she needs to wake up to that reality and take action. Things are not going to change.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

aine said:


> So what if the feeling is reciprocated or not. The next woman, the feelings may well be reciprocated and you have an affair. No married man (or woman) should be spending their energy on another person in this way. He is using OP while he swans around doing a PhD and contributing nothing. I did a PhD, while working full time, taking care of my teenage kids, husband and household so please, there is no reason why he cannot go get a job! He is a parasite who has no respect for her and she needs to wake up to that reality and take action. Things are not going to change.


I agree here, I definitely wasn’t justifying his behaviour, his behaviour seems a bit eccentric. You’re right there will be someone who might reciprocate.

He’s certainly got a pattern of chasing women who are not available and not interested, very bizarre behaviour (bisexual woman, toenail painting, preening for a night out and asking his wife’s opinion??). I was thinking along the lines of some underlying behavioural issue or issue with his own sexuality?) 

I’m sorry for what’s been going on, you sound too good for him. I’d say the other woman is not interested and may not know how to cut him off.

Frankly I would be very alarmed if someone married was throwing himself at me like that, especially a student with a lovely wife at home supporting him. I had a similar situation when I was only 19, only we weren’t even friends, he was quite frightening.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@EmStacey How is it going? Your husband seems unable to make the switch from free and single to married man.

Why did he go out for drinks with her? Why didn't he invite you?

Would he be willing to take a lie detector test?


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