# Wife texting male coworker who she thinks is attractive



## Paramedic79ca (7 mo ago)

Hey everyone, I just wanted to get some outside opinions about a situation that’s been an ongoin issue with my wife and I. Recently, my wife who is a medical provider has gotten a job at a large hospital. My wife is 37 and I’m 41, and we have 2 young kids who we adore. So, I recently found out that she’s been texting another guy doctor (whom she finds attractive) about idle chit chat at like 9pm outside of work. My wife has admitted to this and has said that I need to trust her and my fears are arising from insecurities. I’m torn, I know that I do need to trust her… but her texting another guy who she thinks is attractive at 9pm and also is the same age as her really worries me. My wife is really pretty, so yea… I’m worried. We have been married for 7-years. This other guy is also married. We have also had some recent struggles in our marriage (No infidelities or anything.. just arguing) that we are currently working upon, which has improved dramatically. However, the late texting to this guy really concerns me. I have made it a point to bite my tongue and not bring it up and trust her, but.. it still kinda worries a little. Our sex life overall is pretty good.. I mean I’m a guy so I wished we did it more often but.. we have little kids so I understand that’s not really possible. 
Am I being dumb? Any feedback is appreciated


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Paramedic79ca said:


> Hey everyone, I just wanted to get some outside opinions about a situation that’s is been an issue with my wife and I. Recently, my wife who is a medical provider has gotten a job at a large medical provider. My wife is 37 and I’m 41. So, I recently found that she’s been texting another male doctor (whom she finds attractive) about idle chit chat at like 9pm outside of work. My wife as admitted to this and has said that I need to trust her and my fears are arising from insecurities. I’m torn, I do need to trust her… but her texting another male who she thinks is attractive, who also is the same age as her really bothers me. My wife is really pretty, so yea. I’m worried. We have been married for 7-years. This other is also married. We have also have some recent struggles in our marriage that are improving, but the texting to this guy really worries me.
> Am I being dumb? Any feedback is appreciated


Definitely not ok.


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## ThreeHundo (Sep 20, 2021)

you need to trust her and it's your insecurities? Umm, F that noise. Heck, she's already gaslighting you. You think she'd be ok if you were texting some woman you thought was hot? That **** needs to stop.


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## Rooster Cogburn (9 mo ago)

Paramedic-

Yes! Yes you need to trust her. You need to develop stronger trust and faith in your marriage with your wife SO she can go on developing her emotional connection with this man so she can more easily leave you by the roadside and she can move on to her next relationship. 

Holy crap man... hike up your skirt and adjust your bra strap for God's sake. You need to be a man here and let her know this IS NOT appropriate.


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## ABiolarWife (7 mo ago)

Not OK. Way out of bounds. You need to sit down with her and have an adult discussion about boundaries. Especially concerning the opposite sex. What she is doing is inappropriate.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Grow a set and get some self respect!


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Paramedic79ca said:


> Hey everyone, I just wanted to get some outside opinions about a situation that’s been an ongoin issue with my wife and I. Recently, my wife who is a medical provider has gotten a job at a large hospital. My wife is 37 and I’m 41, and we have 2 young kids who we adore. So, I recently found out that she’s been texting another guy doctor (whom she finds attractive) about idle chit chat at like 9pm outside of work. My wife has admitted to this and has said that I need to trust her and my fears are arising from insecurities. I’m torn, I know that I do need to trust her… but her texting another guy who she thinks is attractive at 9pm and also is the same age as her really worries me. My wife is really pretty, so yea… I’m worried. We have been married for 7-years. This other guy is also married. We have also had some recent struggles in our marriage (No infidelities or anything.. just arguing) that we are currently working upon, which has improved dramatically. However, the late texting to this guy really concerns me. I have made it a point to bite my tongue and not bring it up and trust her, but.. it still kinda worries a little. Our sex life overall is pretty good.. I mean I’m a guy so I wished we did it more often but.. we have little kids so I understand that’s not really possible.
> Am I being dumb? Any feedback is appreciated


Welcome to TAM @Paramedic79ca 

To answer your question directly, you are being dumb if you allow this to continue.

That is exactly how emotional affairs start...innocent connections that become attachments and emotional bonds. From there it's only a matter of time until it turns into a physical affair.

You need to squash this immediately, and then pay very close attention for a long time because it may not stop even after you confront. If she is already attached to him, she could start deleting texts (for example) or finding other ways to connect with him. If that happens, you're in deep trouble.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

seven-year itch?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Your wife is gaslighting you to start with and unfortunately for you she’s also in the medical field which has the highest level of infidelity going.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

@Paramedic79ca 

I'm a guy who is been in healthcare (large and small hospitals) for over 15 years, started as an employee and Im now in a leadership role. 

90% of who flirt and text doctors are looking to get into one of two things:

1- build a new relationship and plan a marriage with someone who is financially richer (a doctor) - this is the most common and the most infidelity cases HR sees. and HR will always side with doctors because they cant find replacement. 
2- build a physical (sex) relationship with a doctor to help her advanced in career. (small number will try to get pregnant) 

10% - this group in an emotional that build into physical in a short time because they fell in love or their career is stressful they find what they call job spouse. 

your wife based on what you said is in the first category of 90%. why?
spouses in the second category of 10% who are emotionally attached always hide their interactions and messages.

you wife is already involved in either category - and she might be in physical relationship - 
I kid you not when I say over half of the nurses cheat on their spouses in this field. 

when your wife said to trust she means the apposite - if she had a little respect to you she would not even text this person. when she said to trust she means I'm planning something that doesnt involve you and the outcome of this planning it will be
1- successfully have sex with Dr and make him fall in love with her, push him to leave his wife and marry her
2- keep this relationship about sex so she can move forward in her career ( in this case she love you and want to stay with you but have a work F buddy)
3- she is already in love and planning her future without you
4- get pregnant and have him pay child support - while telling it was a mistake and you need to forgive her

she knows already in either one of scenarios you will forgive her, rug sweep the whole thing, and move forward because you didn't raise your voice and said hell no (being someone an Alpha). 

No a married person should not be messaging the opposite sex after work hours


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Paramedic79ca said:


> Hey everyone, I just wanted to get some outside opinions about a situation that’s been an ongoin issue with my wife and I. Recently, my wife who is a medical provider has gotten a job at a large hospital. My wife is 37 and I’m 41, and we have 2 young kids who we adore. So, I recently found out that she’s been texting another guy doctor (whom she finds attractive) about idle chit chat at like 9pm outside of work. My wife has admitted to this and has said that I need to trust her and my fears are arising from insecurities. I’m torn, I know that I do need to trust her… but her texting another guy who she thinks is attractive at 9pm and also is the same age as her really worries me. My wife is really pretty, so yea… I’m worried. We have been married for 7-years. This other guy is also married. We have also had some recent struggles in our marriage (No infidelities or anything.. just arguing) that we are currently working upon, which has improved dramatically. However, the late texting to this guy really concerns me. I have made it a point to bite my tongue and not bring it up and trust her, but.. it still kinda worries a little. Our sex life overall is pretty good.. I mean I’m a guy so I wished we did it more often but.. we have little kids so I understand that’s not really possible.
> Am I being dumb? Any feedback is appreciated


“You should just trust me even though I’m acting in an untrustworthy manner. And if you can’t then you’re just insecure.”

You’re not dumb.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So my thoughts are that :
1)you’re not dumb, you’re running scared. This running scared never ends well, don’t ask me how I know.

2) without saying a word to your wife, contact the dr’s wife and tell her what’s going on, ONLY when you have some evidence to present to her.

3). Hand your wife walking papers, mean it, and put her in the position of getting YOU back before the divorce is final.

Friendly but painful 2x4 coming now:

You won’t do any of the above, because you’re scared to lose your wife and family.
But let me give you the honest truth:
What your wife is doing, if you don’t crush her fantasy and make it very clear you won’t tolerate this behavior, will end your marriage anyway. If not with this guy, it will with the next. You’re dumb only if you sit like a scared puppy and allow your wife to blatantly chase another man and blatantly disrespect you.

Dping nothing will get you divorced. Showing weakness will get you divorced.
Strength is the only thing that will prevent divorce. Filing is a show if strength. Takes a while. If she doesn’t work to stop it, divorce her, she was leaving anyway. I’m sorry but don’t show weakness. It will cost you.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

I would also find out who is that Dr. and his wife. 

I will also contact his wife behind their backs then meet up to discuss the situation. she might know more and share the same. she will help you and keep an eye on her husband.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

blackclover3 said:


> I would also find out who is that Dr. and his wife.
> 
> I will also contact his wife behind their backs then meet up to discuss the situation. she might know more and share the same. she will help you and keep an eye on her husband.


I don't know if you want to involve the guy's wife until you have solid proof. Can he get a copy of a text message from her phone? That kind of thing.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> So my thoughts are that :
> 1)you’re not dumb, you’re running scared. This running scared never ends well, don’t ask me how I know.
> 
> 2) without saying a word to your wife, contact the dr’s wife and tell her what’s going on, ONLY when you have some evidence to present to her.
> ...


and this guy couldn't have said it any better - women like strength. and the other guy's strength is his position/money. your strength is being firm and draw the red lines and not tolerate her actions.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I don’t think it’s unreasonable or insecure to ask your wife to stop texting this other guy when it’s not remotely business related. She enjoys his attention, and if it continues, it may not stop at just texting. Not saying it will lead to an affair, but she is definitely enjoying his attention. I’m wondering what his wife is thinking, too.

You’re being reasonable and she should care more about what you think than what a random guy at her work thinks. That’s not insecurity, that’s called respect.😌


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You should trust me…….. said every gaslighting cheater that ever lived on the face of the earth.

cheaters absolutely thrive on weakness from their spouse. It actually encourages them to test and push harder and farther, because once weakness (“talking” about it, with no action or consequences”)is shown, it’s basically a guarantee that the cheater knows they can now get away with cheating and not lose their plan B/safety net/etc.

The only way to fix this is blow the hell out of her land of unicorns and rainbows and make her BELIEVE her life is headed south fast. The AP will get wind of it, realize his extra free milk cow is about to have other expectations that just sex and soft words, and he will put some rubber to the road. 

The ones that come here and do as described above, they have wives that work like hell to get their husbands back. The ones that sit on their hands, pray the storm blows over, and cry to their wives—/ they get left.

proceed at your own risk OP.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She wants you to trust her...

This is a stalling tactic on her part.

Her wheels are spinning, and the moment she gets traction will tell you what direction she is headed.

What is known, the direction will be (further) away from you.

She is test driving this friendship, she is enjoying, first, her learning permit.
The permit given by you.

You need to ask yourself, why is she doing this?
Doing this, when it is obviously improper?
And, you are obviously worried, as any husband would be.
Damn, she cares not for your concerns.

What is her end-game?

You can surely bet, that her new buddy's end game is to meet up close with her budding flower container.
And plant his seed in that fertile juice.

Her little man in the boat will soon have a new rowing partner.

I would NOT INTERFERE.
Let her sink her marriage.
Find out who you married.

Why?
Who needs this?

I would secretly snoop, play detective, so as to know when to pull your plug out of her sink hole.

The married doctor will at some point dump your wife, not ever marry her, later.
Who marries a cheater?




_Nemesis-_

Eyes and ears open, mouth shut.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Your insecurities, my backside...

Tell her you won't stand to be disrespected any further. She ceases this social communication and opens her communication devices to prove that all contact is above board or she can find the door and use it.

A woman in constant banter with a man she finds attractive while disrespecting her husband and calling him insecure is the seed of an affair already sprouted.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

In relationships, when people know that what they’re doing isn’t appropriate, but they don’t want to stop doing it, they tend to push their partner into believing that they’re jealous and insecure, and no one wants to think of themselves that way. So it’s a good tactic to get the concerned spouse to back off. But, it’s not jealousy to want healthy boundaries and respect from our spouses. It’s really not.

Whatever you do OP, please don’t bury your head in the sand, because unfortunately, it probably won’t stop on its own if both of them are getting something positive out of this. You’ll just have to be open and blunt with your wife and if she continues making it sound like you have a problem, it will tell you that this is becoming more than idle chit chat. I hope that she chooses to respect you and stop the communication with him.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Paramedic79ca said:


> Hey everyone, I just wanted to get some outside opinions about a situation that’s been an ongoin issue with my wife and I. Recently, my wife who is a medical provider has gotten a job at a large hospital. My wife is 37 and I’m 41, and we have 2 young kids who we adore. So, I recently found out that she’s been texting another guy doctor (whom she finds attractive) about idle chit chat at like 9pm outside of work. My wife has admitted to this and has said that I need to trust her and my fears are arising from insecurities. I’m torn, I know that I do need to trust her… but her texting another guy who she thinks is attractive at 9pm and also is the same age as her really worries me. My wife is really pretty, so yea… I’m worried. We have been married for 7-years. This other guy is also married. We have also had some recent struggles in our marriage (No infidelities or anything.. just arguing) that we are currently working upon, which has improved dramatically. However, the late texting to this guy really concerns me. I have made it a point to bite my tongue and not bring it up and trust her, but.. it still kinda worries a little. Our sex life overall is pretty good.. I mean I’m a guy so I wished we did it more often but.. we have little kids so I understand that’s not really possible.
> Am I being dumb? Any feedback is appreciated


So what time does she get home from work? I know some healthcare workers work odd hours, so 9 p.m. texting if she just got off at 8 might not be "late" to them if they work weird hours. 

Still, I would let her know that insecurity or no, give you a good reason she should be texting personal messages with this guy, IF that's what they are. I mean, ask her, What have you two got to talk about? I find it invasive if work contacts people afterhours at all, but it's not unusual, unfortunately. Has she said if this has anything to do with work or is all personal? You have a need to know that. I'm assuming since she's so attractive and not young that she must know that most men don't both with buddying up to someone unless they are interested sexually, so you might just go ahead and mention that too and tell her you may be insecure, but she is naive if she thinks otherwise. 

But that is all IF they are not discussing patients or something work-related.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

your wife is already in the beginning stages of an EA. Even if their conversation appears to be innocent, there are other deep emotional things happening subconsciously. Like @blackclover3 wrote, infidelity is rampant in the hospitals with MANY nurses making plays at doctors in the hopes of monkey branching. That you have to young kids, obviously has no effect on your wife’s uncontrollable urge to communicate with this guy.

I would find out who his wife is and expose it to her WITHOUT telling your wife. I bet his wife won’t be p footing around like you’re doing. As a woman, she will instinctively know your wife is making a play for her man and take action.

Like @re16 lamented in another thread today, what is happening to today’s men being so fearful and passive. Take action and do not cower under the controlling card. Your wife is picking fights with you because she is so giddy for this guy. Would not be the slightest bit surprised if they’re already meeting outside of work.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Yep, your gut is not lying to you.

That industry is somewhat notorious for that sort of thing. Some think that medical staff end up going through difficult situations together and develop stronger bonds because of it... or it is simply some people are just cheaters.

Regardless, would your wife be ok with you doing that with a female co-worker?... no way.

She is entering into an EA and is already so worried about being told she can't do it, that she is defensive and attacking you as insecure when she thinks about losing that connection with the OM.

I would watch carefully, but don't keep confronting until you have some real evidence. I would assume she's deleting texts, perhaps communicating in other fashion and you'll be able to gather further evidence.

If you confront without rock solid evidence, she will just figure out how to hide it better and not get caught.

Maybe even go so far to say sorry for not trusting her, then go into heavy surveillance mode.

VAR in the car might be helpful if she is calling him when driving.

You need to be ready to act swiftly, this could accelerate quickly.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Also, pretty damning sign that she is thinking about him at 9pm, and not you....


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Nope @T not allowed.
She doesn’t mind making her husband feel insecure? Either she’s married or not!
Bet she wouldn’t like it if you were texting a woman that she knew you liked at 9pm.
BTW, Women are always attracted to doctors, even ones that aren’t good-looking. Same with airline pilots. It’s a prestige thing.
I wonder does his wife know.
EDIT: sorry I basically repeated what @re16 said, saw it after. Agree with surveillance too. Say nothing & gather intel. Even if it’s ‘innocent’ it’s heading for EA…if not already…


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Where there is smoke, there is usually fire.

Her saying you are insecure and should trust her translates to "She does not respect you and could care less about how you feel". She already has one foot out the door.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Paramedic79ca said:


> My wife has admitted to this and has said that I need to trust her and my fears are arising from insecurities


@Paramedic79ca I had the same issue many years ago with my x-fiancé, I resolved it pretty quickly..

First you need to understand that your wife saying you're insecure and jealous is a tactic to shame you so you don't set boundaries and to accept bad behaviour!
It's a well known tactic that some women usually use in the dating scene and marriages when they are planing to step out!
And she succeeded in that, now she knows that you do not have much value because you accepted the unacceptable, you showed her that you have little respect for yourself and now she has the upper hand in the relationship! (Not good at all!)

Your wife is starting to desire the other man (the doctor) because you lowered your value by pining after her and turning a blind eye on her bad behaviour!

Now to solve this you need to have strength and self respect!
Because I had something similar happen to me many years ago with my x-fiancé, what I did is I took off my ring and placed it in front of her on the table and told her that we have different values and expectations in our relationship and we are not compatible and it's best that she finds someone else that is OK with what she is doing (chatting with some other men), I was calm and cold because I had a goal in my mind, I wasn't planing to be a SIMP or to be cuckold, there is no negotiating about it, in my mind I was set to either she stops or I'm out!

She got very angry and said I was insecure, had no confidence in my self, that I'm jealous, and many other nasty things, and she even said YES it might be best that we go our separate ways..

I didn't interrupt her, and didn't try to explain to her that this has nothing to do with insecurities and it's all about *BOUNDARIES* and *RESPECT*.. All I said after she finished her rant is: OK, any way I will be moving out once I find a new place, it should take me a week or two (In your case you say you will be hiring a lawyer to start the divorce process, and you need to mean it, no bluffing, YOU WILL HIRE A LAWYER)!

After a few days she saw I was looking for a new place. suddenly, everything started to sink in and she realised that I meant business (And i was), as I said I wasn't planing to be a SIMP or a Cuckold!

She came back and said she will stop chatting with all her male friends!
Me being a jerk (AKA not a "Nice Guy") didn't let that go easily, I needed to make a point, so I asked her why she changed her mind, because I don't want her to be unhappy in a relationship with someone who - according to her - is insecure and it's best for her to find someone else who has the same values as she does!
She quickly admitted that it has nothing to do with any insecurities and that it was inappropriate behaviour from her side!

And me being a jerk again told her does that mean she was spouting sh** from her stupid mouth (yes I used these exact words) couple of days ago, And she said yes!
Then I asked her why does a self respected man like me wants any relationship with a cunning woman like her?! She cried and said she will go to therapy to find out why she acted like this, and to please not leave, and to give her another chance.. And she did go to therapy!

It worked, because she knows I meant it, and because I took real actions and was willing to end everything! (*You have to be willing to end your marriage in order to save it!*)

Your wife will do the same, because she knows (and all women know) that texting men and shaming their husband is a very disrespectful and cunning thing to do, and NO MAN will accept that, they know, she just went with it because you rolled over!

*Actions* and showing strength and decisiveness is what makes things happen!
*If you don't act now* and start doing some real actions you will lose your wife, she is already disrespecting you by doing things she KNOWS it hurts you deeply, and *rubbing it in your face*, because she doesn't care about you anymore and she wants you to swallow her crap and accept her bad behaviour, in a hope to turn you slowly into a SIMP and a Cuckold, Oh and a babysitter so she can go out and have bedroom fun with her new man!!

And for my x-fiancé even though she went to therapy and fixed many issues she had I dumped her 9 months later (that incident was a major factor), I had so many other options and I picked the best one for me!
Oh and I loved her very much, more than words can say, she was very attractive and way to hot, she worked in the fashion industry, BUT I loved and respected my self more!
She sends me birthday cards until today!!

You might think what I did was drastic!
Not really, not at all, when it comes to *loyalty* and *fidelity* in relationships you need to be *ruthless* (especially in this time and age) in order to safe guard it!
Your wife will think twice before she crosses any boundary you set!

Sit with your wife and put your ring on the table, tell her you both have different values and this relationship is not working for you, and it's unfair for her and you to be in a relationship with someone who has different values and boundaries, tell her you both don't see eye to eye on matters relating to *loyalty* and *fidelity*, and it's best for her to find someone that is ok for her to chat and flirt with other men!

Tell her that you are hiring a lawyer to sort out finance and custody of your children!
She will try to shame you again or to minimise what she is doing with that doctor and paint it as normal, and that you are over reacting!

Don't fall for it, just smile and tell her that you are not going negotiate on your boundaries when it comes to *loyalty* and *fidelity, *and it's not fair for her to stay with someone who she doesn't share the same values and boundaries, because she will not be happy,* and you want her to be happy*, so it's best for her to find someone who shares the same values (She will not find anyone who will accept what she does and she knows it %100, she is just taking advantage of your fear of losing her and your love for her).
And if she asks what you will do, tell her that you will find someone else who shares your values!

@Paramedic79ca you need to make her realise that you don't need her!
Remember: Be very calm, cold as ice, because you will be OK, and you have two goals:

Your ok to divorce her because you will not live disrespected no matter what!
Your wife needs to figure out why she allowed herself to disrespect you that way (her husband), and what will she do to not repeat that again with someone else (like a hot nurse or another doctor!) and how she will be a safe partner going forward!

Nip it in the bud before it's too late!


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

Paramedic79ca said:


> Hey everyone, I just wanted to get some outside opinions about a situation that’s been an ongoin issue with my wife and I. Recently, my wife who is a medical provider has gotten a job at a large hospital. My wife is 37 and I’m 41, and we have 2 young kids who we adore. So, I recently found out that she’s been texting another guy doctor (whom she finds attractive) about idle chit chat at like 9pm outside of work. My wife has admitted to this and has said that I need to trust her and my fears are arising from insecurities. I’m torn, I know that I do need to trust her… but her texting another guy who she thinks is attractive at 9pm and also is the same age as her really worries me. My wife is really pretty, so yea… I’m worried. We have been married for 7-years. This other guy is also married. We have also had some recent struggles in our marriage (No infidelities or anything.. just arguing) that we are currently working upon, which has improved dramatically. However, the late texting to this guy really concerns me. I have made it a point to bite my tongue and not bring it up and trust her, but.. it still kinda worries a little. Our sex life overall is pretty good.. I mean I’m a guy so I wished we did it more often but.. we have little kids so I understand that’s not really possible.
> Am I being dumb? Any feedback is appreciated


Is your wife a doctor herself? You said medical provider which typically implies doctor or at least Nurse Practitioner or Physician Assistant.

The hospital I currently work at is small and a lot of the nurses are older. I can’t really recall getting flirted with much at all. The hospital I worked at before this one was a very large hospital and the nurses there were all young and hot. I started working there right after I met my wife but there was lots of flirting and I even got invited to a nurses pajama party once.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Have you called the DOC and asked him directly why he is texting your wife at 9pm? Especially if he is married and you asked him why a married doctor is texting your wife, it might just end this situation.

What sucks about this though, is that your wife should be the one shutting this stuff down...


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Paramedic79ca said:


> Hey everyone, I just wanted to get some outside opinions about a situation that’s been an ongoin issue with my wife and I. Recently, my wife who is a medical provider has gotten a job at a large hospital. My wife is 37 and I’m 41, and we have 2 young kids who we adore. So, I recently found out that she’s been texting another guy doctor (whom she finds attractive) about idle chit chat at like 9pm outside of work. My wife has admitted to this and has said that I need to trust her and my fears are arising from insecurities. I’m torn, I know that I do need to trust her… but her texting another guy who she thinks is attractive at 9pm and also is the same age as her really worries me. My wife is really pretty, so yea… I’m worried. We have been married for 7-years. This other guy is also married. We have also had some recent struggles in our marriage (No infidelities or anything.. just arguing) that we are currently working upon, which has improved dramatically. However, the late texting to this guy really concerns me. I have made it a point to bite my tongue and not bring it up and trust her, but.. it still kinda worries a little. Our sex life overall is pretty good.. I mean I’m a guy so I wished we did it more often but.. we have little kids so I understand that’s not really possible.
> Am I being dumb? Any feedback is appreciated


Are you dumb for not feeling secure and comfortable with her flirting with a hot doc she works with, no. Are you dumb for allowing it to continue, yes.

If the texts are personal in nature, even slightly and even about the most mundane things they have crossed a line in my book. She is standing on the edge of a cliff. Are you going to let her jump off or pull her back? I give this about a 95% chance it will develop into an affair without intervention.

Also, how do you know she thinks he is attractive? Did she tell you? That right there is 100% wrong if that is the case. A fleeting thought about someone of the opposite sex being attractive is fine. If is has been rolling around in her head long enough to tell her husband, she already wants him.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I have worked my entire career with mostly men. I’ve had one instance where I had to shut down someone who was getting too personal.

What your wife is doing is inappropriate and unprofessional by any and all standards. And she knows it. You do NOT have to tolerate this. It is not controlling to expect someone to honor their wedding vows, woman or man.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Has your wife upped her appearance game since working with the doc? Working out more, dieting, makeup?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Trying to get her to change won’t work. She’s got to be out in a major 9 line bind so she CHOOSES to change. Great post by Kaliber. 

I know you love her and such. Use that emotion (don’t let it make you fearful) to fuel
Some righteous anger, resolve, and no bs attitude. Realize if she wants to leave you, she will, nothing you can do. Make her want YOU back. You’ve done nothing wrong. Don’t dare chase her or try to nice her back. It puts them in let me gtfo mode.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

re16 said:


> Has your wife upped her appearance game since working with the doc? Working out more, dieting, makeup?


I’ll put money in she has! Indeed….


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

@Kaliber 
That was one of the best posts I ever read on the subject of spouses doing the texting thing, & *worse. . . *calling their partner insecure! 
Excellent work on your part


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

That’s a situation waiting to happen (if it hasn’t already).


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

As someone else suggested, definitely contact the doc’s wife and ask her if she’s ok with them chatting into the night.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think your wife should be the one to stop communicating. Just my opinion, but not sure you want to come across as threatening (it will be perceived that way) this guy when she’s an adult perfectly capable of ending it. There will always be another doctor or coworker to take his place if she doesn’t realize that what she’s doing is disrespectful, and end it herself.

What do you think you’ll do, OP?


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck........."It's a freaking duck!" She is gas lighting the crap out of you.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

OP,

I'm really sorry you're in this boat, like so many others on this site, I was cheated on too, by my ex-husband.

I know this is a real punch to your gut, your legs have been knocked out from underneath you etc.

However, you need to deal with reality.

This could go south, QUICKLY.

Do not sweep this under the rug.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Paramedic79ca said:


> Hey everyone, I just wanted to get some outside opinions about a situation that’s been an ongoin issue with my wife and I. Recently, my wife who is a medical provider has gotten a job at a large hospital. My wife is 37 and I’m 41, and we have 2 young kids who we adore. So, I recently found out that she’s been texting another guy doctor (whom she finds attractive) about idle chit chat at like 9pm outside of work. My wife has admitted to this and has said that I need to trust her and my fears are arising from insecurities. I’m torn, I know that I do need to trust her… but her texting another guy who she thinks is attractive at 9pm and also is the same age as her really worries me. My wife is really pretty, so yea… I’m worried. We have been married for 7-years. This other guy is also married. We have also had some recent struggles in our marriage (No infidelities or anything.. just arguing) that we are currently working upon, which has improved dramatically. However, the late texting to this guy really concerns me. I have made it a point to bite my tongue and not bring it up and trust her, but.. it still kinda worries a little. Our sex life overall is pretty good.. I mean I’m a guy so I wished we did it more often but.. we have little kids so I understand that’s not really possible.
> Am I being dumb? Any feedback is appreciated


Oh Boy “trust her and my fears are arising from insecurities“. Brother do not believe a word she says. She is married to YOU. Correct? It has already started. If you do not nip this **** in the bud, you are in for it. The word you use with your wife is simple UNNACCEPTABLE. You drill this home every time she tries her counter argument.

So she finds him atttractive and has admitted this? Another red flag.

If you do not man up and go total “cave man”, she will be doing the horizontal mambo with him in no time at all. From what you post I think she probably already has. Call me skeptical, but being a BH, call me educated. Once burned twice learned.

Me, I would call the other guy’s wife and ask her if she has any concerns...but what do I know.... I am just a little ol’ jarhead.

PS: Keep in mind there are many places in a hospital to do the “ horizontal mambo”. I served on a hospital board several years back and we had issues with physicians banging nurses,and other inappropriate relationships as you describe. One doctor got his ass whipped as he was banging a nurse practitioner who was married to a friend of mine. My friend waited on day in the stairwell between floors knowing ol Doc used this path to go from his station to his floor. Ol Doc got the living hell pounded out if him by my friend. Doc‘ wound up with three broken ribs, and two black eyes from a broken nose. Funny how charges were not pressed against my friend. My friend divorced his wife, too.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Oh Boy “trust her and my fears are arising from insecurities“. Brother do not believe a word she says. She is married to YOU. Correct? It has already started. If you do not nip this **** in the bud, you are in for it. The word you use with your wife is simple UNNACCEPTABLE. You drill this home every time she tries her counter argument.
> 
> So she finds him atttractive and has admitted this? Another red flag.
> 
> ...


I pretty sure she already climbed on that mountain and now is playing damage control.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

ThreeHundo said:


> you need to trust her and it's your insecurities? Umm, F that noise. Heck, she's already gaslighting you. You think she'd be ok if you were texting some woman you thought was hot? That sh*t needs to stop.


Exactly, find out the dudes wife's name/number and start texting his wife at all hours of the night. I bet if wife knew you texted his wife she would flip her ****.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Numb26 said:


> I pretty sure she already climbed on that mountain and now is playing damage control.


This is my suspicion also.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Paramedic79ca said:


> Hey everyone, I just wanted to get some outside opinions about a situation that’s been an ongoin issue with my wife and I. Recently, my wife who is a medical provider has gotten a job at a large hospital. My wife is 37 and I’m 41, and we have 2 young kids who we adore. So, I recently found out that she’s been texting another guy doctor (whom she finds attractive) about idle chit chat at like 9pm outside of work. My wife has admitted to this and has said that I need to trust her and my fears are arising from insecurities. I’m torn, I know that I do need to trust her… but her texting another guy who she thinks is attractive at 9pm and also is the same age as her really worries me. My wife is really pretty, so yea… I’m worried. We have been married for 7-years. This other guy is also married. We have also had some recent struggles in our marriage (No infidelities or anything.. just arguing) that we are currently working upon, which has improved dramatically. However, the late texting to this guy really concerns me. I have made it a point to bite my tongue and not bring it up and trust her, but.. it still kinda worries a little. Our sex life overall is pretty good.. I mean I’m a guy so I wished we did it more often but.. we have little kids so I understand that’s not really possible.
> Am I being dumb? Any feedback is appreciated


Is this a regular thing?

If it is, you - "Wife, you are not irreplaceable" Then go out for a night come home late. Let her be pissed, she will get over it. Passive men get cheated on, assertive men are pursued. Don't be a nice guy be a good man, good men are difficult when appropriate.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Me, I would just go see the good doctor and have a “hombre to hombre” and play a mind game and watch his reaction.Tell him your wife confessed. Watch and wait to see how he reacts. If it confirms, walk away and go see his wife. Watch all hell break loose.

You know there is a high probability that he is or you would not be on here.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Me, I would just go see the good doctor and have a “hombre to hombre” and play a mind game and watch his reaction.Tell him your wife confessed. Watch and wait to see how he reacts. If it confirms, walk away and go see his wife. Watch all hell break loose.
> 
> You know there is a high probability that he is or you would not be on here.


The problem with that is his wife will probably just jump to the next Doctor.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

sokillme said:


> The problem with that is his wife will probably just jump to the next Doctor.


Probably already did.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

*Deidre* said:


> In relationships, when people know that what they’re doing isn’t appropriate, but they don’t want to stop doing it,* they tend to push their partner into believing that they’re jealous and insecure*, and no one wants to think of themselves that way. So it’s a good tactic to get the concerned spouse to back off. But, it’s not jealousy to want healthy boundaries and respect from our spouses. It’s really not.


Sometimes it's true though! Like seriously, ex used to forget that she adjusts the seat, goes about her day, then later she hops back in her seat - noticing it has been adjusted and begins to interrogate me over who has been sitting in the car 🤦‍♂️

But you are right of course - boundaries is another thing, you don't disrespect a spouse like messaging another man that late at night.


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## Gfawkes (8 mo ago)

Kaliber said:


> @Paramedic79ca I had the same issue many years ago with my x-fiancé, I resolved it pretty quickly..
> 
> First you need to understand that your wife saying you're insecure and jealous is a tactic to shame you so you don't set boundaries and to accept bad behaviour!
> It's a well known tactic that some women usually use in the dating scene and marriages when they are planing to step out!
> ...


Don't mean to threadjack, but this is so good, I wonder if the moderators would consider making it a permanent posting in the most appropriate forum.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> Sometimes it's true though! Like seriously, ex used to forget that she adjusts the seat, goes about her day, then later she hops back in her seat - noticing it has been adjusted and begins to interrogate me over who has been sitting in the car 🤦‍♂️
> 
> But you are right of course - boundaries is another thing, you don't disrespect a spouse like messaging another man that late at night.


Your stories are the exception! 😂


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

@Paramedic79ca trust your gut sir. Something is most definitely amiss. Hospitals are notorious for illicit hook ups.
Sadly, your wife apparently has not the appropriate boundaries in place. Eyes open mouth shut. You need to gather evidence. Consider cloning her cell phone, use of a VAR in her vehicle, too. 

I am a betting man and I am betting she has already crossed what a married woman should consider appropriate boundaries. 

Question. How do you react with her. Are you passive? Assertive? As I have told other posters on here women are wired to respect strength. Nothing less. You need to display this. You cannot nice back a wayward spouse and I am of the opinion, i hope I am wrong, you have a wayward on your hands.

Seek advice from those of us who have been there and done that.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

When a woman is brazen enough that she finds another man she works with(a dr, all women want to snag one) attractive, TELLS HIM SO, and is texting him after hours in front of her husband, I think it’s logical to conclude they are already slapping nasties in the unused hospital room on the 14th floor—-or she’s hoping they will soon.

Fir her to have told him this, texted the doc at 9pm in front of him, and then refused to drip and called OP insecure……. He’s got himself a tiger by the tail with this one. Nuclear cruise missile is the only option even worth trying here.

OP, are you seeing how little respect your wife has for you? How confident she is that you won’t do squat because she’s too good for you, in her mind? You really need to show her. Who she is messing with. Find the best attorney in town and lay papers down. Talking does absolutely nothing but cement in her mind that you are such a pansy that you can’t do better than her (the Queen),…..


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Gfawkes said:


> Don't mean to threadjack, but this is so good, I wonder if the moderators would consider making it a permanent posting in the most appropriate forum.


@Gfawkes I was thinking the EXACT same, i.e. @Kaliber 's post should be pinned. Would work just as well if BS was female, just reverse the gender. Cos it's all about boundaries and respect. 
Dunno how something gets pinned. . . might be seen as too drastic. . . @MattMatt ? 
Even if it doesn't get approved for that, I hope that @Paramedic79ca has read it. 

Here is the post for those of you who might have missed it: 


Kaliber said:


> @Paramedic79ca I had the same issue many years ago with my x-fiancé, I resolved it pretty quickly..
> 
> First you need to understand that your wife saying you're insecure and jealous is a tactic to shame you so you don't set boundaries and to accept bad behaviour!
> It's a well known tactic that some women usually use in the dating scene and marriages when they are planing to step out!
> ...


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

She’s also at that age where women get hornier and also wonder If men still find them attractive.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I’m a married woman. It’s really easy to be a meanie and stuck-up when another man wants to connect in anyway with me. It just doesn’t even get to the exchanging of numbers.

She really didn’t want to hurt his feelings. 😏 And each time he goes further, tries to get closer, she won’t be able to reject him because she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings. 😉


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Trustworthy wives don’t text men they find attractive after hours about nonchalant nonsense. I can guarantee you Dr.Love’s wife wouldn’t approve of what your wife is doing.


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## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

I didn't read the responses but i don't understand why, if you work with someone and you're nothing more than coworkers, you would need to text them routinely. At bedtime. What could you possibly talk about that can't wait until morning?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

My knowledge of hospitals is of UK NHS hospitals only.

Do affairs happen between staff? Oh, dear me do they ever!

Someone walked into the office of a boss to ask him a question and found a colleague was giving him a BJ! (Should have locked the door, idiot.)

Doctor came home early and found his wife (fellow doctor) having sex with a colleague.

Nurse caught with her lover by her husband. Who beat them up and the police were called.

@Paramedic79ca Stop this nonsense now. Demand the phone number of his wife because you want someone attractive to text at 9pm at night.

Also, her line about your insecurities? Say this to her: "That's just my smoke detector. It's finely tuned to prevent a fire happening that could damage our family, but especially our children."

I would demand counselling.

Has this Doctor done this before? HR might be a good place to visit.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

...


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

She is literally forcing you to choose between her and your dignity. Choose.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

I wonder if anyone keeps count of how many times this story is posted?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Get a copy of “Not Just Friends” by glass. This is how affairs start. 
We’re just friends is the biggest lie told here. 
Wake up or get woken up. Your choice.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Nothing special here. Read a few.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Guessing OP is either on shift or just didn’t dig what we had to tell him. Hoping it’s the former.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

DudeInProgress said:


> Guessing OP is either on shift or just didn’t dig what we had to tell him. Hoping it’s the former.


Yeah, but people come here for help not to entertain us.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Paramedic79ca said:


> Hey everyone, I just wanted to get some outside opinions about a situation that’s been an ongoin issue with my wife and I. Recently, my wife who is a medical provider has gotten a job at a large hospital. My wife is 37 and I’m 41, and we have 2 young kids who we adore. So, I recently found out that she’s been texting another guy doctor (whom she finds attractive) about idle chit chat at like 9pm outside of work. My wife has admitted to this and has said that I need to trust her and my fears are arising from insecurities. I’m torn, I know that I do need to trust her… but her texting another guy who she thinks is attractive at 9pm and also is the same age as her really worries me. My wife is really pretty, so yea… I’m worried. We have been married for 7-years. This other guy is also married. We have also had some recent struggles in our marriage (No infidelities or anything.. just arguing) that we are currently working upon, which has improved dramatically. However, the late texting to this guy really concerns me. I have made it a point to bite my tongue and not bring it up and trust her, but.. it still kinda worries a little. Our sex life overall is pretty good.. I mean I’m a guy so I wished we did it more often but.. we have little kids so I understand that’s not really possible.
> Am I being dumb? Any feedback is appreciated



"My wife has admitted to this and has said that I need to trust her and my fears are arising from insecurities."

Trust your instincts. You aren't imagining things or suffering from insecurities. She is attempting to have her affair right in front of you.

This requires immediate and ruthless action. Speak to lawyer to see what you can expect if you divorce. Protect yourself first and see what is best for the children. At some point she won't leave you a choice. Hand her the papers or have her served. *Do not give her a heads up. * 

Choosing divorce will not make your situation worse. She has already chosen another man to replace you. Right now she needs time to seduce him and gain his commitment. Assuming of course he isn't just toying with her. Intending to only use her for sex and discard her when she wants something more. 

Your wife is really pretty. On the outside at least. Don't make the mistake of getting hung up on her physical beauty. You will very shortly meet the real her especially if you choose the recommended course. You won't recognize her. Pay attention to a person's actions not what they say if you want to learn who you are dealing with.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I hope our paramedic is not a grenade tosser, leaving us in tatters, in the aftermath of his one post.

At TAM, we prefer an _IV slow drip_, that salty, many page, salient delivery.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Paramedic79ca said:


> I recently found out that she’s been texting another guy doctor (whom she finds attractive) about idle chit chat at like 9pm outside of work. My wife has admitted to this and has said that I need to trust her and my fears are arising from insecurities.


QUESTION:How does a cheater say “*screw you*?
ANSWER: They say “*trust me*”.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> I hope our paramedic is not a grenade tosser, leaving us in tatters, in the aftermath of his one post.
> 
> At TAM, we prefer an _IV slow drip_, that salty, many page, salient delivery.


Good point. 68 responses later let's see if OP drops by.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Sadly, some people come on here wanting to hear what they want to hear, rather than what is most likely the real crux of the matter. When they get a dose of reality, the turn and run. When I got on here in November of 2015, I had my suspicions, was reluctant to think something was amiss, but once I posted my story, BAM....Cold water in my face to wake up. Wake up I did, thanks to good advice. Saved my marriage and my self respect at the same time. Had I not found this site, I would have been divorced for certain.

However, my FWW was not as blatant as OP’s had she been. I would have been total caveman asshole.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

OP, where are you brother?
You came here looking for outside opinions, hopefully you’re receiving / onboarding the guidance being offered here, as it is correct.


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## Thatredhead (9 mo ago)

Paramedic79ca said:


> Hey everyone, I just wanted to get some outside opinions about a situation that’s been an ongoin issue with my wife and I. Recently, my wife who is a medical provider has gotten a job at a large hospital. My wife is 37 and I’m 41, and we have 2 young kids who we adore. So, I recently found out that she’s been texting another guy doctor (whom she finds attractive) about idle chit chat at like 9pm outside of work. My wife has admitted to this and has said that I need to trust her and my fears are arising from insecurities. I’m torn, I know that I do need to trust her… but her texting another guy who she thinks is attractive at 9pm and also is the same age as her really worries me. My wife is really pretty, so yea… I’m worried. We have been married for 7-years. This other guy is also married. We have also had some recent struggles in our marriage (No infidelities or anything.. just arguing) that we are currently working upon, which has improved dramatically. However, the late texting to this guy really concerns me. I have made it a point to bite my tongue and not bring it up and trust her, but.. it still kinda worries a little. Our sex life overall is pretty good.. I mean I’m a guy so I wished we did it more often but.. we have little kids so I understand that’s not really possible.
> Am I being dumb? Any feedback is appreciated



What makes you feel like you have any authority to decide who she can and can't text, at any hour of the day? She's a grown woman with her own career that you're not a part of. She's not your child. You don't get a say in who she communicates with. If you don't like it, deal with your insecurities and your patriarchal need to control women, or leave. She's not the one in the wrong here.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Paramedic79ca:

*Am I being dumb? Any feedback is appreciated *

Well you have been given info by those who have "walked in your shoes." What you do with it - you choose - and we all hope here this is only "smoke" and no fire yet.

FWIW, I have a long time friend who married a nurse. The stories she related to the shenanigans between hospital staff would be great fodder for Jerry Springer show.

He divorced her a few years later.

Wife and I were still friends with her and saw on odd occasions. That is until she told wife about the night she fornicated with a married doctor whose wife was home pregnant with 2nd child. And . . . she acted like all was OK except for a little guilt she felt.

Point being - what you have posted regarding your wife's actions are the typical start of a nice (ahem) - 

Have you been checking your phone bill? What app is she using for the chit-chat? Have you seen any of the messages?
Have you been keeping track of her time? If the two get into it at the hospital - you have no way to know unless you can plant a micro-voice-recorder in her purse and hope it catches something before/after she puts it away for her shift. (locker)

From my point of view - you should go visit a divorce-specialist lawyer and see what your worst-case scenario looks like.
Then, look up a book and get it/read it: "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life." and maybe "No More Mr. Niceguy."

Happy trails - I hope


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

To steal a line from Oh Brother Where Art Though...he done r u n n o f t


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

Thatredhead said:


> What makes you feel like you have any authority to decide who she can and can't text, at any hour of the day? She's a grown woman with her own career that you're not a part of. She's not your child. You don't get a say in who she communicates with. If you don't like it, deal with your insecurities and your patriarchal need to control women, or leave. She's not the one in the wrong here.



Maybe he should also rub her feet while she's texting the other man and fetch her a drink too? Are you crazy? Because there are two individuals involved here and each decides how their own life is going to go. If she has all these rights so does he. He never ever *has* to accept the way she chooses to live her individual life while she is married to him.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Thatredhead said:


> What makes you feel like you have any authority to decide who she can and can't text, at any hour of the day? She's a grown woman with her own career that you're not a part of. She's not your child. You don't get a say in who she communicates with. If you don't like it, deal with your insecurities and your patriarchal need to control women, or leave. She's not the one in the wrong here.


That's hilarious. And not even remotely related to successful real world long term relationships.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Paramedic79ca said:


> Am I being dumb? Any feedback is appreciated


No you are not being dumb.

Tell your wife to act like a f'ing wife and decent mother. Yes, I say decent mother because no decent parent would risk their children's intact family life with a possible future infidelity.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Not said:


> Maybe he should also rub her feet while she's texting the other man and fetch her a drink too? Are you crazy? Because there are two individuals involved here and each decides how their own life is going to go. If she has all these rights so does he. He never ever *has* to accept the way she chooses to live her individual life while she is married to him.





Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> That's hilarious. And not even remotely related to successful real world long term relationships.


You have to consider the source. She is a resentful wife because her husband won't allow her to open the marriage to allow her to sleep with other men. He "trapped" her in marriage, even though SHE married him to get out of a bad homelife.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You have to consider the source. She is a resentful wife because her husband won't allow her to open the marriage to allow her to sleep with other men. He "trapped" her in marriage, even though SHE married him to get out of a bad homelife.


Well that explains that.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> That's hilarious. And not even remotely related to successful real world long term relationships.


I read that post and could smell the cat piss, boxed wine and patchouli


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

Thatredhead said:


> What makes you feel like you have any authority to decide who she can and can't text, at any hour of the day? She's a grown woman with her own career that you're not a part of. She's not your child. You don't get a say in who she communicates with. If you don't like it, deal with your insecurities and your patriarchal need to control women, or leave. She's not the one in the wrong here.


Let’s see

authority
grown woman
career
not your child
insecurity
patriarchal
control women

Got all the buzzwords in there, time to hit send.

Edit: you forgot the 2 most misused terms in all discussions of relationships, narcissism and gaslighting.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Thatredhead said:


> What makes you feel like you have any authority to decide who she can and can't text, at any hour of the day? She's a grown woman with her own career that you're not a part of. She's not your child. You don't get a say in who she communicates with. If you don't like it, deal with your insecurities and your patriarchal need to control women, or leave. She's not the one in the wrong here.


What the actual F?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You have to consider the source. She is a resentful wife because her husband won't allow her to open the marriage to allow her to sleep with other men. He "trapped" her in marriage, even though SHE married him to get out of a bad homelife.


That kind of thinking and the desire to be some guys free who.. is caused because of the rampant weakness in today’s men. @Rob_1 hit the nail on the head with his post at the beginning of this thread. It’s not about being a douche and mis treating women but about having no tolerance for this type of behavior. 

If your wife wants to get some strange, leave her immediately. Do not waiver when she starts with I was just confused or testing you. I would rather be living in a [email protected] apartment in the hood than to stay with my wife if she ever talked about wanting to be with other men. No amount of debt, lost of 401k, or equity on family home, or fear of being a part time dad would stop me from leaving such a woman.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

jsmart said:


> If your wife wants to get some strange, leave her immediately. Do not waiver when she starts with I was just confused or testing you. I would rather be living in a [email protected] apartment in the hood than to stay with my wife if she ever talked about wanting to be with other men. No amount of debt, lost of 401k, or equity on family home, or fear of being a part time dad would stop me from leaving such a woman.


Completely agree, though I'm a woman and it was my first husband who wanted to be with other women, so I divorced him asap even though I was giving up a lot to do so, including for my 3 children.

I went from being a stay at home mom for over 9 years, in a house we bought brand new that was less than 5 years old, in a small subdivision with buried utilities, with only one way in and out and a community pool, great friends, neighbors etc. We parented well, my ex coached little league, youth soccer, bathed our children each night, put them to bed with me each night as it was a family affair and our dogs were in there too.

I had to go back to work. I moved into a 2 bedroom apartment and my daughter and me shared one bedroom and my 2 boys shared the other bedroom. They went to new schools. They had to give up several of their activities and sports teams as they had been in everything imaginable before and I wasn't able to ferry them to all of their activities by myself, while working.

I had it good, really good while we were married. I always had new cars and I totaled my van shortly after our divorce and I had to get a used car. Look, I get it, many aren't in new houses, not working while having 3 children and having new cars. I'm not out of touch.

My point is I quickly and willingly gave all that up as soon as I found out my husband was cheating. He was a great dad, involved, caring, loving, played with them regularly etc.

Had I remained married I would have remained in our nice house, not working, I would have gotten a new car after totaling my minivan, we would have continued going on nice vacations etc.

All of those things meant NOTHING to me, because my husband cheated so I divorced him.

My children were just 4, 6 and 9 years old then. I would have loved to have continued staying at home, being a room mother to them etc. Our 4 year old wasn't yet in school and he had to go to daycare since I had to go back to work.

I completely agree with your post jsmart, I'd rather have much less and be on my own than with someone who wants someone else, who has cheated etc.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Thatredhead said:


> What makes you feel like you have any authority to decide who she can and can't text, at any hour of the day? She's a grown woman with her own career that you're not a part of. She's not your child. You don't get a say in who she communicates with. If you don't like it, deal with your insecurities and your patriarchal need to control women, or leave. She's not the one in the wrong here.


I don't think I could possibly have more sympathy for your husband than I do right about now.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

Paramedic79ca said:


> Hey everyone, I just wanted to get some outside opinions about a situation that’s been an ongoin issue with my wife and I. Recently, my wife who is a medical provider has gotten a job at a large hospital. My wife is 37 and I’m 41, and we have 2 young kids who we adore. So, I recently found out that she’s been texting another guy doctor (whom she finds attractive) about idle chit chat at like 9pm outside of work. My wife has admitted to this and has said that I need to trust her and my fears are arising from insecurities. I’m torn, I know that I do need to trust her… but her texting another guy who she thinks is attractive at 9pm and also is the same age as her really worries me. My wife is really pretty, so yea… I’m worried. We have been married for 7-years. This other guy is also married. We have also had some recent struggles in our marriage (No infidelities or anything.. just arguing) that we are currently working upon, which has improved dramatically. However, the late texting to this guy really concerns me. I have made it a point to bite my tongue and not bring it up and trust her, but.. it still kinda worries a little. Our sex life overall is pretty good.. I mean I’m a guy so I wished we did it more often but.. we have little kids so I understand that’s not really possible.
> Am I being dumb? Any feedback is appreciated


Stop it its infidelity. Ask what she needs. You are not doing it. Plan for monkey jumping. Hypergamy. Is rampant.


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## Night Owl1 (Nov 6, 2020)

Paramedic79ca said:


> Hey everyone, I just wanted to get some outside opinions about a situation that’s been an ongoin issue with my wife and I. Recently, my wife who is a medical provider has gotten a job at a large hospital. My wife is 37 and I’m 41, and we have 2 young kids who we adore. So, I recently found out that she’s been texting another guy doctor (whom she finds attractive) about idle chit chat at like 9pm outside of work. My wife has admitted to this and has said that I need to trust her and my fears are arising from insecurities. I’m torn, I know that I do need to trust her… but her texting another guy who she thinks is attractive at 9pm and also is the same age as her really worries me. My wife is really pretty, so yea… I’m worried. We have been married for 7-years. This other guy is also married. We have also had some recent struggles in our marriage (No infidelities or anything.. just arguing) that we are currently working upon, which has improved dramatically. However, the late texting to this guy really concerns me. I have made it a point to bite my tongue and not bring it up and trust her, but.. it still kinda worries a little. Our sex life overall is pretty good.. I mean I’m a guy so I wished we did it more often but.. we have little kids so I understand that’s not really possible.
> Am I being dumb? Any feedback is appreciated





Paramedic79ca said:


> Hey everyone, I just wanted to get some outside opinions about a situation that’s been an ongoin issue with my wife and I. Recently, my wife who is a medical provider has gotten a job at a large hospital. My wife is 37 and I’m 41, and we have 2 young kids who we adore. So, I recently found out that she’s been texting another guy doctor (whom she finds attractive) about idle chit chat at like 9pm outside of work. My wife has admitted to this and has said that I need to trust her and my fears are arising from insecurities. I’m torn, I know that I do need to trust her… but her texting another guy who she thinks is attractive at 9pm and also is the same age as her really worries me. My wife is really pretty, so yea… I’m worried. We have been married for 7-years. This other guy is also married. We have also had some recent struggles in our marriage (No infidelities or anything.. just arguing) that we are currently working upon, which has improved dramatically. However, the late texting to this guy really concerns me. I have made it a point to bite my tongue and not bring it up and trust her, but.. it still kinda worries a little. Our sex life overall is pretty good.. I mean I’m a guy so I wished we did it more often but.. we have little kids so I understand that’s not really possible.
> Am I being dumb? Any feedback is appreciated


The responses are sounding alarms!!!
It IS NOT OK. She’s obviously setting the stage to do something…. I feel bad for you. You’re too nice. If you want to have a little fun, rather than arguing about this ( because she’ll just do it behind your back) give her a taste of her own medicine…no pun intended! Text a girl yourself. Start working out! Get fit! You may want to start looking good yourself in case she’s planning to leave you… just a thought. Women don’t do things by accident…


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## Night Owl1 (Nov 6, 2020)

Tested_by_stress said:


> I don't think I could possibly have more sympathy for your husband than I do right about now.


Wow! You think the husband is being controlling? Obviously, you’re a very liberal person. If you’re in a committed relationship, especially with children, you don’t need to be texting, calling, etc. another man after hours. If she was descent, she’d be discreet and have her romance at work and leave it there! 
I disagree wholly with your opinion. However, it is an interesting perspective, just not one I’m comfortable with.


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