# what if cheater ignores you before you can do the 180?



## Phh0000 (Dec 15, 2013)

So i posted my story on here a couple of weeks ago and got some great support- thank you. 

In a nutshell my husband of almost 23 years has been actively seeking out other people through dating websites, escort services etc etc for years and years. I didnt know. (Or if i did i really couldnt face it and just listened to his constant lies and stories instead of dealing with my suspisions dead on).

In August, out of the blue he told me he didnt love me anymore and within 2 weeks he had left. The kids (19 and 15) were devastated as i thought he had always been a good dad - very involved etc. Everyone said there must be someone else- he denied it, said we had nothing in common, couldnt see himself growing old with me etc etc.

The 1st two months after he was gone, we texted and talked a lot...i will admit it was mainly me pleading, counselling, i will change (ugg) etc etc. He refused but was genuinely concerned about the kids- offered to help with stuff around my house etc.

At about the two month point of him leaving, kids revealed in counselling they both knew he had been cheating for years and had been living with that. My older daughter had even confronted him at about the age of 16 - he "intimidated her into believing what she saw- she didnt see" (her words). She knows what she saw and my other daughter has now revealed facebook messages etc. she stumbled across of his to escorts etc.

Evidence started falling in my lap and now i have a clearer picture of what this sham of a 23 year marriage was. But from the point i confronted him (at the point he had been gone 2 months) and he now knew i had the evidence and now knew the kids have revealed what they know *he* has "gone dark". 

Instead of being nice he is rude whenever i was speaking to him- angry etc. Now i dont speak/text him at all unless it is in regards to pickup dropoff arrangements for one of my daughters. 

I decided i would do the 180 but before i could even, he did! Even if i do text him regarding my daughter- he rarely if ever responds. When he was being nice in the first two months i guess then is when i should have been doing the 180- but i didnt. If i text or email him something re my daughter now (school or doctor related) he answers in one word answers. 

Now that all the cards are on the table he literally wants nothing to do with me. I dont contact him but its not like he is trying to contact me. He is at the bar most nights according to my daughters who speak with him-(which is where is always was before- sigh)

I dont even know why i am writing this- and i know i shouldnt care. I miss what i thought he was but i dont miss who i know he was (at least in my head anyway)

I guess maybe i wanted to have the upper hand and ignore this guy who has treated me so badly. Its hard to believe he just could not care less. A good friend who knows the whole story said- the reason he can move on and not appear to care so easily is because he really checked out years ago. It is me that is reeling from a sudden change. I guess he has been planning this a long time.

Ok if i am being honest, i guess i really wanted him to beg me back. Why? i dont know. The truth is he became a heavy drinker, constantly at the bar, wasted our money on escorts and leaving literally $50 or $100 tips on a $50 tab at the bar to show off, constantly lied and exaggerated (now i realize he was lying to me too), totally became opposite to me in personality- hated that i cared for people (his elderly grandparents, parents, my own parents, sick people, hurting people from our church)- he never had any empathy for anyone else's situation....

On the other hand was charming and generous and bought me flowers all the time and expensive gifts (I am not a person who spends a lot on herself)...showed moments of caring etc. (Meanwhile i now know at those exact times he was buying me nice things and "caring" he was with other women)

SIGH- i dont know when my head wont be so confused. I am in counselling, i talk to my pastor every other week, i am on some meds to help me sleep, i have great friends and family support. I enrolled in divorce care for more support....

Why cant i stop crying? Why do i want this jerk in my life even though i now know he totally abused me? And how the heck after he totally has scammed me for years does he walk away with a worry free life- playing the card that his life was terrible and now he is finding his happiness.... for the record, i have supported him through successful and failed businesses, written every one of his resumes and found all of his high paying jobs for him (LOL), listened to his complaining about work, people, been his companion, LOVED him....

I would not wish this journey on my worst enemy.... thanks for listening


----------



## Stronger-now (Oct 31, 2013)

Phh0000 said:


> So i posted my story on here a couple of weeks ago and got some great support- thank you.
> 
> In a nutshell my husband of almost 23 years has been actively seeking out other people through dating websites, escort services etc etc for years and years. I didnt know. (Or if i did i really couldnt face it and just listened to his constant lies and stories instead of dealing with my suspisions dead on).
> 
> ...


As an outsider to your situation, your husband doesn't sound like much of a catch. Sure there were good memories, every relationship has good memories. When you are emotionally stronger, you will realise that they were becoming further and further in between the heartbreak and tears. 

Be kind to yourself. Of course you are in shock. He knew that he was leaving. It blindsided you. The changes are so stark, your head is spinning. Take your time to let it sink, but trust your ability to adjust and adapt. We, human being, have this amazing ability to adapt to anything, even harsh external environment. I learn this trick from my yoga class: regulate your breathing. No matter how painful it is, don't panic, don't try to fight it...just calm down and keep breathing through the pain. Sooner or later your body will adapt and live with it. Your head and your heart will soon catch up. It works, trust me. If it gets too much, I just sleep it off. Shut the world away and just sleep. F*ck them. Don't do it more than 2 days though...you have stuff to do. 

When you are used to the pain of him leaving, you will soon realise that you are better off without his childish, alcoholic *ss anyway. You have, what? Four kids right? You don't need another one, especially one in older man's body. It's just annoying. You want him to beg you back because your ego is bruised. Who wouldn't? But think about it...how could being with a loser (sorry) guy like that boost your already fragile self-esteem?

The 180 is for you. NOT to make him realize what a gem you are and beg you back. YOU ARE a gem, you don't need him to tell you that. Do it for you, when he realizes what he is missing (and he will), you won't want him back anyway. You can do better. 

Hug.


----------



## Phh0000 (Dec 15, 2013)

thank you xo


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

The 180 is for *YOU*, not him. It's not a tactic to be used against him. It is a tool for you to help *detach* from him. So what if he ignores you, you still do the 180. In fact, him ignoring you makes it easier for you to detach from him.


----------



## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

He checked out but you also need to do the 180 and keep on doing it.

Don't give the Bast**d the satisfaction that you miss him. He needs that ego boost from you because you are reliable and he learned from what you did in the past that you will always be there. In most instances, once you are not boosting his ego he will become even more of a jerk.

Now you need to be there for the children. 

Also, you need to get tested for STDs, another wonderful thing he left you.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Hire a lawyer pronto and protect your financial interests before he fritters it all away!

File for divorce.

It is not likely this is a repairable marriage.

But even if it is, you need to consult with a lawyer and assess your financial security.

Protect yourself.

I am sorry you have been dealt a real crap sandwich.

Time for action now.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Who here is hoping they live in NC, VA or SC or another state that adultery matters in.

/e raises hand.

Abandoning his kids. Something mental there.


----------



## Phh0000 (Dec 15, 2013)

thanks for all the fast replies- your support really helps.

I have been to the lawyer- the separation agreement was done very soon after he left (he didnt want to he just wanted "based on our honour" to keep an agreement we had made regarding money)- I got it finalized and now we are legally separated. He was *very* upset that i needed to "protect myself and kids" not understanding why this was necessary. But it is done and signed- that was before i found out everything and he became a huge jerk.

I did get the courage to go get the STD tests done over the holidays. I have a dr's appt tomorrow morning to get the results.

Thanks for the reminder that the 180 is for me not him. I do always feel much better when i dont see him, hear his voice or have any contact from him. Strangely i guess i am always secretly hoping even though we are headed for D. if he would even just say a true sorry. Like the more that comes out the more it seems like a Jerry Springer show. And this is my life! I wasnt completely blind- i did question him when things didnt feel right- but he lied really good lies and always turned it around on me - sigh again.

Although i post on here that i miss him i would never let on- 


***edited to add- i am in Ontario Canada- adultery does not matter- no fault divorce*** 

Thanks again


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Are you and your children in counselling?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Keep going ahead with the 180. It may not work on him, but it will definitely work on you.


----------



## Phh0000 (Dec 15, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Are you and your children in counselling?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


yes i have two teenagers and myself are all in counselling- which is where they revealed they knew their dad had been cheating for years


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*What if cheater ignores you before you can do the 180?*

You do the 180 for you, not for them. Always. Everytime.

If they are not into you anymore,t hen good riddance. It will hut you for a long time but the sooner you are rid of them, the better.


----------



## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

It is very sad that you still feel a "bond," an emotional connection with this man, but you're a typical caregiver and it is fulfilling for you to look after others. So it will be difficult for you to detach from him, which is why the 180 is important for you. Go on about your life AS IF you have no need for him in your life, and eventually you will see your life as going on fine without him in it.

You are clearly a loving, giving person, and that part of who you are makes you the kind of person the world needs more of! But it also makes it more likely that you will even bond very tightly to someone who might treat you badly and even walk away from your marriage, and you will still cling to hope that he might regret it and feel sorry and come running back, even though all evidence points to the contrary.

You need to see him for what he has become, and though the truth hurts, it's important to think of him as he REALLY IS, if you do think of him (and it's better to try to think of other, nicer things, if you can!). Keep a list of some of his worst behaviors handy, so when you start to long for him, read it. But try to occupy your thoughts and your time with more pleasant things, things your NEW life will be focused on. 

Good luck, and take care.


----------



## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

You miss him and hate what he did all at the same time. Boy do I know how you feel. He's the father of your children for crying out loud. Its ok to have all these conflicting emotions. You believed in your marriage, thats ok too.

Have you read Just Let Them Go? It helps to work on acceptance and made me feel better. It might relieve some of your anxiety. At least for a little while.

Its good you have your separation filed I hope you got a decent deal. He really owes it to you to be supportive with regards to the children. He owes you a lot more, but at the very least you shouldn't have to deal with his crappy attitude.

Sorry this is happening to you.


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Ouch, so sorry for your situation.

As far as your initial question, I'd say you can 180 regardless of his actions. Remember the 180 is primarily for YOU and not for him anyway. It's about focusing on yourself, bettering yourself, making you feel better about yourself and become more desirable to others as well.

I also doubt that he is intentionally doing any sort of 180 in this case. I imagine he's just ashamed that he was caught, angry with himself, angry with you if he is blaming you for a lot of the things he did (like feeling like you drove him to those things perhaps, nonsense like that), or just can't face you. It sounds like he isn't doing much to better himself either. In any case, he will notice if you start the 180, and it can't possibly make the situation any worse.


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Is the heavy drinking new, or has that been going on a while? If it's been going on a while you may want to see if there are any good alanon groups in your area. Alcoholics households have a different dynamic than functional households, and getting help seeing and understanding the dynamics could help you. 

It still sucks, and still going to hurt. But at least you can get some support from folks who have lived it too and won't judge you. 

I'm not sure why you would want him back, but I guess we don't always have control over who we love. Just be sure to protect yourself, your assets and your kids. Alcoholics can be very selfish and destructive.


----------



## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

cdbaker said:


> I also doubt that he is intentionally doing any sort of 180 in this case. I imagine he's just ashamed that he was caught, angry with himself, angry with you if he is blaming you for a lot of the things he did (like feeling like you drove him to those things perhaps, nonsense like that), or just can't face you. It sounds like he isn't doing much to better himself either. In any case, he will notice if you start the 180, and it can't possibly make the situation any worse.


Agree 100% with this. Hope you are doing alright and are making progress toward your goals.

Please take care.


----------

