# Submission



## nader (May 4, 2011)

Lately I get *really *turned on by the idea of just telling my wife exactly what I want her to do and her just going with it.

So many times I'll make a demand/request - nothing weird or kinky, just regular stuff like 'get on top' or #$% my @#$%. Athol Kay says women respond well to this, but I haven't found a way to make it work for us just yet.

Sometimes she'll comply but more often she'll playfully say 'no! I want $$%^&!' and then we proceed the way she wants to go. It doesn't ruin the moment, but it is *so much more fun to me* when she just automatically submits to my directives. To feel that that she trusts/loves/adores me enough to just be swept away by my sexual impulses - and again nothing objectionable or weird - that's a HUGE turnon for me.

I don't mean for this to be degrading or sexist or anything bad at all.. it's more like the difference between "I'm really craving mexican, let's do that." and saying "soo... what do YOU want for dinner? I'm down with whatever..." Just basic alpha male assertiveness really.

It might just be a microcosm of other non-sexual aspects of our marriage (if you've seen my thread in the Ladies Lounge), but I'm just wondering how this works for other people.

Ladies.. do you like being told what to do in bed or do you insist on holding the steering wheel? Is the idea of submitting to your man this way something you find exciting or just tedious? How does that relate to other aspects of the relationship?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I would find it_ hugely_ attractive and exciting, provided he didn't attempt to carry over into other aspects of our relationship (ie - day to day decision making etc). I'm a strong, intelligent, mature woman and wouldn't react well to the latter.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

in my failed marriage, I was never very dominant (in any way including sexually) nor did my ex W play the submissive role (though I now realize she wanted to be a little more). In fact I would say by the end of the marriage I was the completely submissive one (on all ways, just waiting for a command, including sexually) well once I broke she wanted nothing more to do with me.

During my recovery I dated and got busy with a lady from a different culture, and she was totally the submissive type - she just needed a man to lead her - I didn't think I could be that one, however we were both horny and I found it was difficult to flip a switch, but once I did it felt very empowering and we both really enjoyed having a clear role - however as more of a sub type guy I realized I was basically treating her the way I would have loved to be treated, I enjoy both "roles", I guess being a "sub" guy or a "dom" woman allows you to be more versatile (and yes I realize this is all lingo used in BDSM but I am not specifically referring to that, more just the ability to be decision maker in general).


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> I would find it_ hugely_ attractive and exciting, provided he didn't attempt to carry over into other aspects of our relationship (ie - day to day decision making etc). I'm a strong, intelligent, mature woman and wouldn't react well to the latter.


:iagree: I'm pretty much the same with my hubby. I enjoy being submissive during sex however in other aspects not so much.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

Gaia said:


> :iagree: I'm pretty much the same with my hubby. I enjoy being submissive during sex however in other aspects not so much.


would you say it was this way all along or did your husband have to 'earn it' or prove himself somehow?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Well from the get go .. he was commanding in bed.. so i suppose it's been that way all along.. lol.


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

I like both but I prefer to be the dominating force in the bedroom most of the time.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

I communicated to my wife that I can be a pushover on certain issues but I am in charge when we are in the bedroom. I am not sure if that is sexist or wrong, but all my beta or passive behavior gets taken off with my boxers.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I get mixed messages on this from my wife. Sometimes she seems to respond well to me getting aggressive with her. Last night we were in bed discussing things. I grabbed her wrists and put them behind her back and told her that maybe I should tie her up to get what I want. She teased me a bit saying maybe I should. I couldn't help myself and I called bull**** on her. She said how do you know I don't want that since we never have. I reminded her that the list of things she says no to is very long and it seems like after 20 years (and I've mentioned tying her up to her in the past with negative reactions) I would know by now. She then said well you've never just tried it.

So who knows.

Anyway, she's always refused swallowing and going down on me after I've been inside her. Also, when she gives me "foreplay head" I'm always laying down and she is leaning over me. So last night I got on my knees in bed and pulled her to me which felt like a more aggressive move. She seemed to respond well to that. Especially when I used the better position to give her some hand. I think she thought I was going to finish that way, but instead I just repositioned her for intercourse. Everything was going well and I think this is just the kind of stuff you're talking about re: submissiveness. In fact it was going so well that I decided to have her go down on me again, which like I said she doesn't do after I've been inside her. Everytime I've suggested it she has said it grosses her out. So this time she said "I don't think so" pretty matter of fact. So I just grabbed her hair and said "do it". So she said "ok but you're not cumming in my mouth". I just pulled her to me. Anyway, she got about a 2 second taste, gagged and almost threw up on me. Ok, so that didn't work as well as I had hoped. I just took it in stride and went back to regular sex.

When we were done she told me that if I wanted that that I would have to wipe it off first. That she tried buy the juicyness of it freaked her out. Now I'm in this weird place of not knowing if I should try again. I know she'd rather not, but I can't help but wonder if she secretly wants to be pushed.

I'm thinking of bringing rope to Fiji....


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I get mixed messages on this from my wife. Sometimes she seems to respond well to me getting aggressive with her. Last night we were in bed discussing things. I grabbed her wrists and put them behind her back and told her that maybe I should tie her up to get what I want. She teased me a bit saying maybe I should. I couldn't help myself and I called bull**** on her. She said how do you know I don't want that since we never have. I reminded her that the list of things she says no to is very long and it seems like after 20 years (and I've mentioned tying her up to her in the past with negative reactions) I would know by now. She then said well you've never just tried it.
> 
> So who knows.
> 
> ...


That sounds like great progress though man! Stop being so passive aggressive though. If you grab her wrists and threaten to tie her up, do not immediately call "bullsh*t" when she agrees and remind her of all the things she has said NO to in the past. Who cares how many times she says no, she wants it. You should have just lifted up her outfit and pulled down her panties while you held her arms. Instead of calling bs, whisper in her ear and asks if she wants it. If she says no, good try. You can't win them all. If she says yes, then stop talking and take over 100%.

She may never be able to enjoy her own juices or swallow you, but at least you tried. If it made her gag to taste herself, it made her gag. You cannot really change that. That is something she would have to want to change herself. The steps you are taking though are great. Controlling her by grabbing her head. Demanding she take your penis is a huge power move as well. If she says anything about, "Ok, but you better not cum in my mouth......." interupt her and let her know you know what you are doing. In the bedroom, take charge.

It sounds corny, but it can work.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Bottom line is that many if not most women like an aggressive guy (to an extent, anyways) and some do not go for it - at all. I would not take it as a reflection of my desireability.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I love it when my husband tells me what to do sexually. Big turn on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kathrynthegreat (Apr 23, 2012)

nader said:


> Ladies.. do you like being told what to do in bed or do you insist on holding the steering wheel?


Yes. 
I like both. Sometimes I like to be dominant, sometimes I like to be dominated. They're both fun.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

My wife is very submissive in bed. Sometimes I wish she was more aggressive. But hey, I can live with a sexy submissive woman!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This needs to be playful - with an edge. 

Learn how to do it by wrestling with her:
- Over the remote control
- Over - just about anything you want

Make the wrestling fun, overpower her. 

We have a great time wrestling. We offset my size/strength advantage via the rules. She can punch/scratch/knee/elbow so long as she avoids groin, eyes and throat. 

I just block and wrestle. Well not exactly. If I pin her she either has to say "uncle" or she gets a spanking. Even before fully pinning her - she usually gets a solid swat or two. 

Fully flooded with adrenaline, even when she lands a really good elbow somewhere I don't feel any pain. And part of the game is to show no pain no matter what she does. 

Once someone at work asked me where I got all those scratches on my wrist. I just looked up and said - "gardening - rosebushes" and shrugged. I was thinking "intense foreplay - wife and I fvcked each other senseless just after". 







nader said:


> Lately I get *really *turned on by the idea of just telling my wife exactly what I want her to do and her just going with it.
> 
> So many times I'll make a demand/request - nothing weird or kinky, just regular stuff like 'get on top' or #$% my @#$%. Athol Kay says women respond well to this, but I haven't found a way to make it work for us just yet.
> 
> ...


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> This needs to be playful - with an edge.
> 
> Learn how to do it by wrestling with her:
> - Over the remote control
> ...


This sounds oddly familar.... oh hey.. it's what hubby and i do when I aint preggy!! lmao Though he tries sometimes now then remembers he has to be gentle since there's a baby.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I've got no problem being in control when I need to be. But my wife is a very sweet, more passive type, and she's not very bold or assertive in general.

But when she's in the bedroom she loves to take charge, and it's hot as hell when she does. So while I have no problem being aggressive, and she zero problem being submissive, we like to mix it up.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

My husband is confident and passionate, but never dominant. Being commanded to do sexual things gives me the creeps-reminds me of being sexually abused. I've had partners in the past who didn't care about what I wanted in bed and kept pushing me into sexual acts I hated. 

Tonight, my husband told me to put the computer down so we could "wrestle" on the living room rug. It wasn't really wrestling, just him giving me squeezes and caressing me all over. So sweet.

I love being passionately kissed and being told that my husband wants to make love to me. I don't mind it if he leads me away from whatever I am doing to have sex. I just don't appreciate being controlled or made to be a puppet who does his sexual bidding.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> My husband is confident and passionate, but never dominant. Being commanded to do sexual things gives me the creeps-reminds me of being sexually abused. I've had partners in the past who didn't care about what I wanted in bed and kept pushing me into sexual acts I hated.
> 
> I love being passionately kissed and being told that my husband wants to make love to me. I don't mind it if he leads me away from whatever I am doing to have sex. I just don't appreciate being controlled or made to be a puppet who does his sexual bidding.


First off... I like the location you put... "In an igloo..." lol

and secondly.. I understand how you would see it in such a manner.. however I don't... I guess it's simply because I'm more dominating outside the bedroom.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Gaia, are you referring to the fact that dominance scares me or not enjoying being controlled?

The igloo location is poking fun at American stereotypes of Canadians. I wish I had a dollar for everytime an American asked me if I lived in an igloo. :rofl::rofl: Only Canadians in the _Arctic _live in igloos! The vast majority of Canucks live in cities or small towns...in _houses or apartment buildings. _


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> Gaia, are you referring to the fact that dominance scares me or not enjoying being controlled?



Eh kind of both.. which is part of the reason why I'm more assertive/aggressive outside the bedroom.. had to many thinking they could control me.. never happened sexually though. 



> The igloo location is poking fun at American stereotypes of Canadians. I wish I had a dollar for everytime an American asked me if I lived in an igloo. :rofl::rofl: Only Canadians in the _Arctic _live in igloos! The vast majority of Canucks live in cities or small towns...in _houses or apartment buildings. _


lol never heard that around where i lived.. mainly the people assumed canadians all lived in forests, ride moose, and had the top half of their heads come off.. (due to south park)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I like to mix it up... sometimes dominate, sometimes submissive, sometimes were neither... just going with the flow.

Don't think I would like to be stuck in any one of the rolls for too long.


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## Kathrynthegreat (Apr 23, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> This needs to be playful - with an edge.
> 
> Learn how to do it by wrestling with her:
> - Over the remote control
> ...


Just want to point out that you need to be very very very clear on the lady's viewpoint on "wrestling" before you start this. I was raped when I was a kid and am a competitive boxer. If a man tried overpowering or wrestling with me things would get extremely ugly extremely quickly. I know that for a lot of couples, wresting is a form of foreplay and I say to each their own, but _to me_, a man flaunting to his wife that he _could _hurt her anytime he wanted to just sets my teeth on edge.


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## runningman1 (May 7, 2012)

WoM

Wow ! you had your wife agreeing there to be tied up !! if that were me I would have taken her up on that in a heartbeat


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

Kathrynthegreat said:


> Just want to point out that you need to be very very very clear on the lady's viewpoint on "wrestling" before you start this. I was raped when I was a kid and am a competitive boxer. If a man tried overpowering or wrestling with me things would get extremely ugly extremely quickly. I know that for a lot of couples, wresting is a form of foreplay and I say to each their own, but _to me_, a man flaunting to his wife that he _could _hurt her anytime he wanted to just sets my teeth on edge.


Some women absolutely love it. My wife wants me to hold her hands above her head almost every time we have sex, and no matter how hard she tries, she wants me to keep them there. During sex she will wiggle and strain to get them loose, but if I actually let go or let her get loose, she would get angry. She wants to feel that power while she makes love. She wants to know I can protect her.

I understand some women have a huge problem with being submissive or being overpowered though. Kathrynthegreat, how do you feel about a man grabbing the back of your head and asking for a blow job, or just blow jobs in general? Some women just cannot stand giving up this invisible power, enough so, they will ruin their own marriages because of it. A man needs to feel powerful sometimes, even if it's pretend power.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

I've heard the argument that often it's actually the submissive partner who's really in control. It sort of makes sense because even being submissive, they have the power to decide whether or not to submit. So the dom is still at the sub's mercy in that sense.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

nader said:


> Lately I get *really *turned on by the idea of just telling my wife exactly what I want her to do and her just going with it.
> 
> So many times I'll make a demand/request - nothing weird or kinky, just regular stuff like 'get on top' or #$% my @#$%. Athol Kay says women respond well to this, but I haven't found a way to make it work for us just yet.
> 
> ...


It truly just depends on the moment - sometimes yes it is exciting and sometimes no, it is not. We are not the same all the time. 

We just 'go with the flow' and what seems to be working for us in that moment.

I would also say that if you are having other issues of control and struggles outside of the bedroom, that it wouldn't be unheard of for those struggles to end up inside the bedroom - perhaps why you feel like you want to be able to order her around and perhaps why she doesn't feel compelled to submit when you do.

For me personally, I'd rather see my husband and I not so much in a struggle for power - with one clearly dominating over the other, but rather both of us submitting and surrendering to the other... truly powerFUL when you can do that. 

Best wishes.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I'm quite happy with both, I love to be just pinned down and taken..
but I think if you actually made me choose I would be the dominant one - I want a man tied to my bed, stripped, blindfolded and not knowing what's coming next


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## runningman1 (May 7, 2012)

Am the opposite Dolly would love to get my wife tied up on our bed and tease her slowly ! (if thats not too kinky !)


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

I guess, the issue is, how to continue being 'dominant' when she doesn't want to do something. Or is that even possible? I'm not really sure how to broach the subject in conversation.

I can't tell if she just doesn't want to be dominated, or if she's not responding because I'm not doing it right?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I quoted MEM's post in the 50 shades of resentment thread about how to establish a safe word. I've been thinking a lot about that. The nature of this kind of play is that she needs to resist and you need to push her through it. We're used to stopping at resistance because to do otherwise is something that you just don't do. So how can you tell when no means yes? She needs a safe word. It should be established before hand in a non sexual context. Anyway I haven't done this yet, but I like the way MEM approached it. If you try it I'd be very interested in her reaction. Just say "from now on, in any sexual situation unless you say the word ............ I'm going to keep going." keep the conversation as short as possible. Hopefully she just says ok or nods her head. I'm paraphrasing MEM here, but I think this is good stuff.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

I think I would get bored with too much of the same thing. I have no problem being dominant. But I do find a woman exciting who is capable of sometimes taking control particularly if she is being sexually "selfish" as opposed to being in control just to tease me.

I guess that makes me a switch.


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