# Stay or Leave?



## al0ne (Feb 10, 2010)

Hi,

this is the first time I do thin. Frankly, this the first time I talk about my marriage problems...
I have been married for 12 years and have two wonderful children. My husband and I have been together for a long time and both wanted the same thing: to have a successful and happy marriage for us to bring up kids in a stable family environment. But a happy marriage means hard work, means making an effort, means that even though work, kids, finances, etc can get in the way, both partners need to tell each other how much they love each other, to make each other laugh, etc...And I have tried and tried and tried...but I feel he hasn't.
Before I met him, I was in a long relationship that I ended when he asked me to marry him. I was only 19 and starting University. I wanted to live and enjoy my life before settling down. Then, I met my husband. We used to party, have a laugh, etc... But I always had the feeling he preferred being with his mates than me. He'd always say that he loved being around me when I was happy and smiley. But the moment I felt down or depressed, he would go and spend time with his friends because "he doesn't know how to deal with me when I'm down". I tried to ignore it and be happy for everyone. My mother realised that the relationship wasn't great, used to tell me and he didn't like it. 6 years after meeting, we had our first child. Life seemed great, as it always does with your first child. A year later, our second child was born. I believe now I had postnatal depression and wasn't very well. The more affection and support I needed from him, the more I pushed him away. He was there when the kids were awake but as soon as they were in bed, he would run to his friends. I noticed phone texts and e-mails to girls and was very suspicious. I confronted my partner but he denied everything. He simply said I was being paranoid and needed friends to go out with. Sorry, but when you have small kids, you have no time to go out! Especially when I was working (we decided he should be a stay at home dad after we had our second child, simply for financial benefit)...but when I used to come home, I would have to cook, clean and deal with unpaid bills. I was unhappy but I ignored it...My mother used to "tell me off" for not leaving him when I looked so sad...how could I? We have kids together! How could I do this to them? And how could I cope by myself?? He found out and told me he does not want anything to do with her anymore. My relationship with him has cost me my relationship with my family. I make an effort to spend time with my family but birthdays for example, are very estrange...when I can't invite my mother round for a party because he can't be in the same room as her...I've asked him to resolve this issue but he has said he would never do it...This really hurts me...
But things have changed...I became very ill with the stress of it all and had to tell him to go out and get a job because I couldn't do everything. I have become a stay at home mum and am trying to reconnect with my smallest child. I'm loving it...I love being at home and knowing that my children are being well taken care of. My husband is working and is providing for us. 
The only problem...I do not seem to love him anymore...We both have our lives now, I'm much more confident in myself, he is a great father, he loves his kids immensely but I know he doesn't love me...Looking back, I think he liked being with me because I did everything for him, and why not? I loved him with all my heart, my soul mate, my best friend, I'd do anything for him, I'd support him and help him in any way...But did he love me? I don't know...maybe in his own way...
Now, we live parallel lives and although I could see it coming, I thought I'd leave him to try and work at the relationship, instead of me doing it all the time. He didn't and I told him last week that I was tired that the relationship was always 80:20 and that I had given up. He agreed with me and told me he had been fed up too. He said he's always tired from work. When he comes back from work, he falls asleep and we don't see him. However, when the friends ring, he's out the door to meet them. I think he feels trapped and asked him. He just wants to ignore it hoping thinks will get better...He never talks about his problems or feelings, it always has to be me who starts the conversations....I've told him I want him to express his feeling towards me, to tell me he loves me, to hold me when I'm upset, etc...just to show me love...But he says he's never done it, he doesn't know how...and why should he change now? 
What do I do? Do I stay with him for the sake of providing a stable environment for the kids? Or do I ask him to leave? I can't imagine how difficult this would be...Christmas for kids at different houses, etc...
Also, I have recently met my previous partner for the first time in many years. We'd always been very good friends and kept in contact for many years after we split. Surprisingly, he's told me that he still loves me after so many years and that he never had any serious relationships in the hopes I'd come back to him. He has always been a great friend and very supportive and I'm starting now to think about him a lot more. I've told him not to contact me for now as I really want to know what I want, I do not want to hurt anyone...
I'd appreciate your opinions...it's hard to be objective when you're so confused...
Thanks and sorry if it's too long...


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Accepted appology for being long.. teasing.
Gee well written explanation.
You know it really seems like its been a long road. Sometimes I think after you've tried for so long its just better to let it go.. Forget the pain and anger. 
I "think" you should very very openly tell your husband your true feelings in a calm non blaming way, and that you would like to either return to the love you once had (with him) or decide NOW to move in different directions. Simply be direct with him.

As far as the other guy.. After all this pain and missing, the old flame sure will seem a step up. Its too natural. I suggest you really try hard to keep that aside for now. Deal with hubby, sort it all out and THEN see of old guy fits in your life. Seems romantic, but you nor he are the same people from years ago. Be VERY careful there. Dont use him (even unconcsiously) as a catylist to drive any direction with hubby.

Your not alone (if you read aroud you'll see) 

I really don't like at all that he shut out your family because of your mums perceptions... That's not a good sign for me. Hubby is immature and not able to be open, direct and honest with you.

Its simply a choice at this point. Accept the current situation for what it is, agree together to improve it OR agree together to be happy moving in a different direction.

Take care of yourself and you'll be good with any outcome.

all the best


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

First, forget the old partner. It is never smart to go back.

You had the job and still had to come home and cook and clean everything? You are probably right--you had to give without getting anything back in return, and so resentment has built up and you are wondering why on earth you would put up with this any longer. 

I definitely think full disclosure is essential at this point, esp. since you both have already indicated a willingness to part. Talk seriously about the possibility of him growing up--because he is living like a child in the marriage, not meeting your needs, not shouldering his share at home in terms of work or emotional support. He cannot be a very satisfying partner if he doesn't embrace the sad you as well as the happy you. He has time and energy for his friends but not you. Not very mature or husband-like.

You will have to learn to make changes, too; AND you will have to learn to stand up for yourself, refuse to be taken advantage of, refuse to be so "caring." Redirect some of that caring toward yourself.

About splitting: what would happen with the kids? If you get them most of the time, is that what you want--for you and for them? How will you feel if it ends up being 50/50? That's rough, although having time to yourself is amazing. 

Good luck; it's always a tough decision, as it should be.


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## al0ne (Feb 10, 2010)

Thank you for your advice.

And yes, it does seem like a long road. I'm in my early thirties and feel old, bored, and trapped in a one way relationship. I've tried so hard to get him to come out for dinner or go and have a drink and talk about other things rather than kids and money (or lack of). He'll agree to come but it will be like speaking to a brick wall. If I make him angry, he will simply leave for a couple of days and come back telling me he cannot deal with arguments and waits until everything has calmed down. In the meantime, I'm crying all that time wondering if he'll ever come back and why I said what I said...Looking at it now, it may be a way of control...mentally...

And with regards to the other guy, you're right. It was nice to hear that there is someone else who can see me the way I am, really. But even if I split from my husband, I could not see myself with anyone else. I have been hurt and it will take a long time to heal...

Take care. All the best to you too.


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## al0ne (Feb 10, 2010)

Sisters359,

Thank you too for your advice.

I also agree with you. I used to be outgoing and confident in myself but with work, kids and house duties, I gave up a lot of my social life and friends and family. Now that I have more time for myself, I seem to be going back to the way I used to be. And it is now that I'm standing up to him. I WILL NOT do everything so he stays at home doing nothing. Maybe looking back, I don't recognise myself, and this is why I'm thinking our relationship probably benefited him but damaged me. 

With regards to the kids...I do not know...One thing I'm sure of is that my husband would definitely want to be part in the upbringing and I'd let him..so it would be 50/50. However, I cannot imagine how difficult it will be for the children to grow knowing they do not have the stability I've been fighting for so much...will they be happy? will they one day understand? I grew up with just my mother, my father died when I was 11 and although my mother did everything she could to make me happy, it was hard for me...I know it's not the same situation as the kids will still see their father...

A lot to think about....but thanks again for the advice...


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## al0ne (Feb 10, 2010)

Just to update...

I have told him to leave so I could have some time to think....I'm hurting but I really believe it's necessary...

He was very surprised when I told him as I've always been the one saying that no matter what, we should work at the relationship, for our sake and the sake of the children...but I couldn't cope anymore...

One day we would be OK, the next I'd be angry with him. He asked me what was wrong but all the reasons I'd give him weren't specific...I couldn't tell him because I didn't know myself...

Now, I think I do...He has always liked going out with his friends to nightclubs and taking drugs. He still does it now and doesn't come home for a couple of days. Then he needs another day to recover. It really hurts me because I do not want kids to see him like that. I've explained this and he says he only does it now and again...I try to explain that he also puts me in a position where I have to trust him when I don't think he should. I do trust him, I do not believe he'll do anything stupid but I can't help but wondering...the real reason though is that I do not know if he'll come back because he's hurt himself...he tells me I worry too much...I do not mind him going out for a few drinks with his friends as I think this is good for the relationship...I see my friends he should see his...but I think he takes it too far...He says I'm possessive...
All I want is for him to be with his family, take me out so we can have adult time, work at the relationship, not wishing he was out with his friends...his answer?...simply he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong...how can you sort things out if the other person doesn't see I'm hurting?
He says he loves me very much..for me now, they're only words...for the last few days I have been wishing he wasn't in the house, he tried to kiss me, I pulled away...That's when I realised I needed some time...
I've loved him so much, it's hard thinking he's not here anymore...but I just simply can't cope with the pain...
Am I too unreasonable?


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## Tiffi (Mar 1, 2010)

I do not think you are too unreasonable, I am going through a similar stage, I asked my husband to leave but he thinks I am joking and walks all over me. I have never lived by myself and I dont know what to do. But I think everyone should have sometime to think to themselves, and if it means having a partner leave because its too painful, then thats fine. You need to be focused on you and what you need in life, and a relationship. And most important being there for your children right now. But your Hubby sounds a lot like mine. I wish you the best of luck and stay strong.


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## al0ne (Feb 10, 2010)

Hi,
UPDATE: We continued having problems. He kept going out more and more and stayed out with his friends all night. Even our oldest child started asking him if he was coming back!! It all got too much. I became distant and more and more angry with him. 
One day, he finally sent me a text! telling me he needed time to sort himself out and that he was moving out! He told me he didn't love me anymore and he hadn't done for about 2 years! That was a surprise to me. He always said he did...As soon as he told me he didn't love me anymore, I knew it was the end. We couldn't ressolve any issues with the marriage if there was no love from his part...This was 3 months ago...
And now, things are changing and don't know what to do...
After a few weeks of splitting up, I found out he was seeing someone else...someone he knew before we broke up and who I was suspicious about. I was convinced he had cheated on me and he promised me he hadn't...Anyway, it turns out she wasn't really interested and they're not together anymore...
Now, he's depressed...he keeps apologising for what he's done saying he never wanted to hurt me or the children. They see him more now than when he was living with me but they are confused. I have become stronger and managed to sort all my financial issues, I see my friends and family a lot more and kept the routine for my children as much as possible. 
I told him I didn't want him back because he hurt me so much...but I still love him and don't know what to do. I keep telling him we should tell the children about the separation but he doesn't want to...again, I think he's being selfish...he doesn't want to be the bad guy...but I have a responsability for my children and don't want them to be confused...
What do I do?


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

Just one thing to contribute. I think it was wrong of your mother to tell you to leave him. If you weren't in danger, he wasn't abusive and at that time he had been faithful then I think it was wrong of her to tell you to leave. 

Try and make decisions based on what is good for your kids, you and your husband, in that order.


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## al0ne (Feb 10, 2010)

Thanks for your contribution.

Maybe it was wrong...but she only wants whats best for me. I did get upset when she told me as I think it should be my choice and not anyone else's

My husband and I had a long chat yesterday. We've not talked about us for a long time and it felt very sincere and honest.

We have both felt we reached a point where we wanted different things. He has actually confessed he still loves me but thinks he's not the best man for me. He says he wants me to happy and he doesn't think it's with him. Surely, that should be again a choice I make and not his!! 

I'm tired of everyone making decisions on my behalf telling me what's best for me! I'm a strong person and independent...surely I should have that choice, shouldn't I?


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