# Long-time recovery stories



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

I have been to many websites and read many books about recovery from an affair. How long it usually takes, what both partners must do, in order to succeed, etc. What I want to know is how many posters, BS and WS have recovered and the marriages were better, LONG-TERM? I mean 5, 10, or more years. If any of you want to tell me your story, I would be much obliged.


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## Smackdown (Feb 21, 2011)

Sorry to say I couldn't get any trust out of her, she wasn't willing to even try, LIE yes, trust no.
Mouse


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

It hasn't been quite five years yet, almost three.

Life is great, see my stories below


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

I'd be interested in hearing about this, but I'm not sure how many responses this will get. If someone that has successfully recovered after 5 or 10 years, would they still feel the need to frequent infidelity boards? Maybe, but maybe not.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Badblood, maybe you should pose this question on the TAM Reconciliation thread!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## akira1 (Dec 13, 2011)

The first story I read here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/8698-how-we-overcame-adultery.html


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

akira1 said:


> The first story I read here:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/8698-how-we-overcame-adultery.html


That's a 30 year marriage, but their D-Day was July 2009. It's only been about 3 and a half years.


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## akira1 (Dec 13, 2011)

dymo said:


> That's a 30 year marriage, but their D-Day was July 2009. It's only been about 3 and a half years.


Whoops, misread the request.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

Beowulf's D-Day was 20 years ago. Link is not to his complete story, just evidence that there is at least one person on this board who's survived infidelity long term.

Maybe he can do an AlmostRecovered style story thread.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/37052-my-story-sort-short-form-2.html#post526802


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

FRom all that I have read, the chances at full recovery are very slim. Pro marriage sites like Marriage Builders say otherwise, but I've been hard put to find more than 1/2 dozen or so , that have lasted over 5 years.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I'm only at a year and a half myself, so I can't really say. But from what I've read, only a third of marriages survive infidelity. And of those, if its a PA, a good percentage of betrayed men still end up miserable. So the odds are very stacked against you. R is indeed very difficult with even a remorseful WS. So when I read here about a BS trying to force an R with their WS who isn't fully committed or isn't ready for R, I can only shake my head, because they're only delaying the inevitable until the next DDay or when they finally realize after going thru even more pain, that its a deal breaker for them in the end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Badblood, It does seem to me that you are not willing to put 2-5 years of your life to something that might not work out. If your heart isn't in it, don't do it


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## Thruhellandback (Jan 8, 2012)

Badblood

It's been 14 months and We still have a ways to go. I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

It's 10 steps forward then 5 back. Patience.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Badblood, It does seem to me that you are not willing to put 2-5 years of your life to something that might not work out. If your heart isn't in it, don't do it


:iagree:

Sometimes, things are broken for a reason. Sometimes, forcing a fix does no one any good. If you're doubtful that the risk is worth it, then think about it for a while. I don't think you should take someone back if you're not fully committed because things are hard enough when there's been no betrayal, no breach of trust, no infidelity and doing so when a person has already demonstrated his/her capacity to hurt you just for his/her own convenience should only be done if the attachment you feel to this person in some way offsets that risk. If you think you'd be okay without her and if you think you're not sure you'd want to risk it again, then don't stay just out of obligation or duty or something because you'll both end up resentful. I would like to believe in happy endings and I still have a shred or two of hope that my truly dysfunctional situation can right itself through some miracle, but I also recognize that my choice to hold on to hope comes from my own dysfunction and that if I didn't have such hang-ups, I would have stopped and walked away. Something in you is telling you to be wary, especially about the value of this investment of your energy, time, and heart in a person who has hurt you and I think that whether or not things go well, you should explore why you are wondering about these things and what it might suggest about what you really want for yourself. Choosing to tell her that she has lost the chance to make it up to you is not being selfish, it's being concerned with protecting yourself. Good Luck!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

While he cares for her, right now he is resenting her too much to consider R. Its is becoming a common theme here. The BS instead of healing himself from such an enormous betrayal, now has the additional task of taking care of distraught/broken-down/suicidal wife. Oldmittens, snap, badblood, cantbelieve and 2 more guys that I don't exactly remember the names in the last couple of months.


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## Tigrlily (Dec 27, 2011)

desert-rose said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Sometimes, things are broken for a reason. Sometimes, forcing a fix does no one any good. If you're doubtful that the risk is worth it, then think about it for a while. I don't think you should take someone back if you're not fully committed because things are hard enough when there's been no betrayal, no breach of trust, no infidelity and doing so when a person has already demonstrated his/her capacity to hurt you just for his/her own convenience should only be done if the attachment you feel to this person in some way offsets that risk. If you think you'd be okay without her and if you think you're not sure you'd want to risk it again, then don't stay just out of obligation or duty or something because you'll both end up resentful. I would like to believe in happy endings and I still have a shred or two of hope that my truly dysfunctional situation can right itself through some miracle, but I also recognize that my choice to hold on to hope comes from my own dysfunction and that if I didn't have such hang-ups, I would have stopped and walked away. Something in you is telling you to be wary, especially about the value of this investment of your energy, time, and heart in a person who has hurt you and I think that whether or not things go well, you should explore why you are wondering about these things and what it might suggest about what you really want for yourself. Choosing to tell her that she has lost the chance to make it up to you is not being selfish, it's being concerned with protecting yourself. Good Luck!


GREAT words....


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

As dymo said my wife had an affair about 20 years ago. I can tell you it was not easy to overcome.

I am a very logical type of person. I tend to analyze things, break them down and solve them a piece at a time. Some would call it being cold and aloof but its just my nature. That was the problem in my marriage. Whenever my wife and I would confront an issue I would immediately go into problem solving mode and would completely bypass the emotional context that my wife was feeling. Eventually she became disillusioned with our relationship and felt that we really never bonded. In retrospect she did try to talk to me about it but my attitude was that was how I operated and she knew that before we got married.

Her affair started off typically. She was friends with another man and began to confide in him about the state of our marriage. He was married as well and he and his wife were also having problems. Their friendship grew and she said literally before either was aware of it they fell in love with one another. She said the affair became a powerful secret that she and the OM shared. It was the two of them against the world. Their love was so strong and special as if it were meant to be. Yup, she was addicted. A good friend of hers discovered what was going on. She tried to reason with my wife pointing out that while I wasn't a perfect man there was no such thing as a perfect man. She asked her how perfect her lover could be if he was married and having an affair with a married woman. Of course my wife said she didn't understand that their relationship was meant to be. Eventually my wife's friend gave up and cut off all ties with my wife.

One day as she was going to meet with the OM my wife stopped for a minute or two and watched me sitting on the floor playing with our son. I was thoroughly enjoying the time with him and he was in turn laughing and giggling as I played with him and tickled him occasionally. She said that it was then that she realized that I was not the cold and indifferent monster she had convinced herself that I was. She began to cry as she turned to leave to meet the OM. She said she knew then that she needed to end their affair.

When my wife met up with her AP she said that at first he went to hold her since he saw that she was upset. She put her arm out and immediately told him no. She said that they had to end it. She said she was going to tell me about it and beg for forgiveness. She wanted to work on our marriage. At first he was concerned that she was going to disclose the affair but after a few minutes he admitted that he was feeling very guilty and really wanted to end it as well. He said he wanted to work on his marriage too but didn't want to tell his wife what he's done because he said she wouldn't forgive him. My wife said that she would try to not tell me who he was but would not lie to me if I asked. She also said she told him that she would try to convince me to not tell his wife so that he could work on his marriage the way he thought was best but she also said she wouldn't stand in my way if I insisted. That was how they left it.

When she came home I had already put our son to bed. When she had left she told me she was going to visit the friend that had cut off all contact with her. Of course not knowing her friend had cut her off I believed her and when she came home I asked her how her visit had gone. She broke down and cried. I was visibly concerned and moved to hold her. When she recovered enough she told me that she hadn't gone to visit her friend but had gone to meet her lover. I immediately moved away from her and sat in shock and silence. She begged me to forgive her and let her make it up to me. I told her I didn't see how she could make it up to me or how I could ever trust her again. I was the clueless husband and she had made a fool out of me. When she finished I asked her who he was. She said she would prefer not to say but would tell me if she had to. I told her that if she didn't tell me she could pack up and leave right then. She told me. I asked her how long it had been going on. Did she love him. All the questions one would think of. She answered them all without hiding. I told her I needed time to think about all this. I packed a small bag and went to stay in a hotel room for a few days.

While we were apart I began to think about everything. I didn't have access to a site like this so I had to try to figure it out on my own. I decided to give her another chance but she would do things my way and would do everything I said without question. If she wavered I would quickly divorce her. In short I would test her and if she passed we would stay together. I didn't realize it then but I was hoping she failed enough to give me a reason to leave her for good. I really wasn't sure I had the resolve to forgive her and probably figured that if I waited long enough she'd mess up and I could divorce her with a clean conscience.

I went home and told her how it was going to have to be if I gave her another chance. I made sure to put such harsh conditions on her that I never figured she would argue that I was trying to control her and was being unreasonable. She surprised me by agreeing to all of it. The one sticking point she had was that I wanted to tell her lover's wife about what they had done. She tried to explain that she had promised him that there wouldn't be any interference in his marriage as he tried to reconnect with his wife. I thought I found my loophole and said if she didn't go along with it and confront his wife with me we were done. She said she would do whatever it took to fix things including calling his wife if it was necessary.

The next day we called his wife but found out he had already confessed everything to her and they were going to try to work it out as well.For the next few months my wife did almost everything right. She did slip up a few times but nothing that would cause me to question her remorse and desire to reconcile. She did have contact with the OM twice and didn't tell me. This was the closest we came to ending the R. But she explained that she didn't tell me because she didn't want to cause me more pain. I told her that since she broke our trust she had to be completely honest with me even if it hurt me. I then contacted the OM's wife and she confirmed that they had spoken but she knew that nothing had happened and it was probably just a mild setback. In retrospect the OM's wife was dealing with it better than I was. She was genuinely trying to reconcile while I was really just waiting for an excuse to end the marriage. She explained that her H and my W had developed a very strong bond and just like an alcoholic or drug addict it is expected that there will be occasional slips. It was because of her words that I let it slide.

Several months later my wife was still doing all the correct things. She was honest, reassuring, transparent, loving, affectionate, etc. But in my typical logical way I had in effect buried my emotions while waiting for her to screw up. Some months later my emotions came boiling out. I released a tirade against my wife that shocked her to her very core. I said every hurtful thing my injured heart could imagine. I effect I turned into Mr. Hyde. Of course my wife took everything I dished out because she believed she deserved it for betraying me. And the more she took the more I gave. This went on for more than a week until finally she broke down, curled up in a ball and wouldn't move. I realized that I had broken her spirit and her mind and it was only at that moment that I came to my senses and realized what I'd done. To this day I still can't believe the things I said to her. Yes, she had done a terrible thing but what I did in response was also unforgivable.

After that we both shut down for a time. She was afraid I would attack her again and truth be told so was I. Gradually we began to talk and I tried to reassure her that all the things I had said were not true. She didn't believe me and frankly I wouldn't have believed me either. Finally I decided that the only way to address what I'd done was to write her a heartfelt letter. I explained that in response to her hurting me I had said everything I could think of to hurt her. In my pain I began to see her not as my wife but a caricature constructed out of hate, anguish and fear. She ceased being a woman who had made a grievous error and was trying to rectify it and became a horrible creature who had crushed my heart and stolen my future. She became a nightmare that had killed my loving wife. I explained that in my grief I attacked this false construct of my imagination hoping that I could restore my life to some semblance of normalcy. In short, I was temporarily insane.

After that I went about rebuilding my relationship by showing her that I was willing to work just as hard on our relationship as she was and already had been. I knew that I had broken her down so it was my responsibility to build her back up again. I showed her in many small but important ways that I loved her and valued her. It was extremely difficult and it was the hardest thing I have ever done but today I am so thankful that we both committed to each other and did what was right for us. I can also tell you that we still have to continually feed and support our marriage. I consider that a marriage is a living breathing thing and needs to be treated as such. When I read someone post on here that BS should say that as long as there is three in the marriage there is no marriage I have to chuckle a little. My wife and I came to the understanding that in our marriage at least there is always three. There is me, her and us and while each of us can feed and nurture ourselves we both have to feed and nurture us.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

How long have you two been married?

I like to hear the happy endings, 

thanks for sharing.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

We will be have been married 30 years this coming September. I proposed on July 4th and am planning to do it again this July 4th and have already set up a re commitment ceremony for our anniversary in September. Already bought her a new wedding band as well. Shhhh...don't tell her though. Its a surprise.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

That sounds sooooo romantic..really nice.


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## Tigrlily (Dec 27, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> ... In my pain I began to see her not as my wife but a caricature constructed out of hate, anguish and fear. She ceased being a woman who had made a grievous error and was trying to rectify it and became a horrible creature who had crushed my heart and stolen my future. She became a nightmare that had killed my loving wife. I explained that in my grief I attacked this false construct of my imagination hoping that I could restore my life to some semblance of normalcy. In short, I was temporarily insane.


Oh, wow...I have to ask myself _"Could this be me???"_

You have really given me a lot to think about here. 

Thank you!!!


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> As dymo said my wife had an affair about 20 years ago. I can tell you it was not easy to overcome.
> 
> I am a very logical type of person. I tend to analyze things, break them down and solve them a piece at a time. Some would call it being cold and aloof but its just my nature. That was the problem in my marriage. Whenever my wife and I would confront an issue I would immediately go into problem solving mode and would completely bypass the emotional context that my wife was feeling. Eventually she became disillusioned with our relationship and felt that we really never bonded. In retrospect she did try to talk to me about it but my attitude was that was how I operated and she knew that before we got married.
> 
> ...


Thanks, Beowulf and Warlock, you both have helped me decide what I am willing to do.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Is she ready for the news?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

We are about 5 years post D-Day. The recovery took about 3.5 years, start to finish. It was full of anxiety, tears, fear, unrest, weight loss, sleepless nights.... and every bit of it worthwhile. The marriage had been sliding for about 7 years to get to the point we were both terribly unhappy, so a long recovery wasn't that much of a surprise. Initially I thought we could get things straightened out in a matter of weeks but came to realize just how deep the damage was on both sides. We are extremely happy in our marriage now.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation-stories/1383-when-enough-enough.html


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Badblood said:


> Thanks, Beowulf and Warlock, you both have helped me decide what I am willing to do.


I'm glad my story helped you in some small way. Dealing with this type of thing is extremely difficult and you tend to go back and forth a lot. I know I did. Whatever you do I know it will be the right decision.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Amplexor said:


> We are about 5 years post D-Day. The recovery took about 3.5 years, start to finish. It was full of anxiety, tears, fear, unrest, weight loss, sleepless nights.... and every bit of it worthwhile. The marriage had been sliding for about 7 years to get to the point we were both terribly unhappy, so a long recovery wasn't that much of a surprise. Initially I thought we could get things straightened out in a matter of weeks but came to realize just how deep the damage was on both sides. We are extremely happy in our marriage now.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation-stories/1383-when-enough-enough.html


Amp, Thanks for your story and I'm glad it turned out for the best.:smthumbup:


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Is she ready for the news?


I talked with her doctor today and told her about my decision and she said to wait for the right moment, and after she (wife) is responding to the medication and counseling. The Doctor says that she should be able to take the news in about 2 or 3 weeks. all things considered.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

My wife had one in 1992 it was a short one but with a best friend of mine. We moved on from that and recovered.

But then in 2011 she did it again. But MC thinks it was how she dealt with the stress for possibly losing me do a kidney transplant. Instead of working on the problem she choose a different path. Also I was not prefect before that either.

Since all this we have been going through MC and things are better. We have learned were the mastakes were and are changing that.

I admit I had my head in the sand and was not willing to work on "US" after then first which could have caused the second. As some women state on here then eventully get lonely and seak company else where. Also her dad had a stoke and my operation did not help to bond. 

If you all think I am crazy for sticking with someone doing this I say that with MC we finially been able to fix what was broken a long time. Please anyone else in this please seek to do this


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

sirdano said:


> My wife had one in 1992 it was a short one but with a best friend of mine. We moved on from that and recovered.
> 
> But then in 2011 she did it again. But MC thinks it was how she dealt with the stress for possibly losing me do a kidney transplant. Instead of working on the problem she choose a different path. Also I was not prefect before that either.
> 
> ...


Sorry, but it sounds like your marriage never recovered at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

dymo said:


> Sorry, but it sounds like your marriage never recovered at all.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No we failed at getting help the first time. Say what you will but we are better than before


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