# Why am I questioning everything now?



## npc1971 (Dec 7, 2016)

Hi everyone,

First time poster. Seeking opinions in sorting out this rut I am in. Sorry for the novel. It seemed necessary to tell the story to get the feed back I am asking for.

44M, I have been married for 20 years to a borderline personality disordered (BPD) wife. 4 children all grown and out of the house (away at college). Marriage has been very difficult at times. In 20 years, my wife has went outside the marriage twice and we have had our share of financial issues. Currently things are stable, but no emotional connection or intimacy. Sex is still a monthly (or bi-monthly) option that consists of a transaction exchange, meaning she is rewarded with something for my use of her body. She has no interest in sex with me outside of "marital guilt and obligation", her words. If it matters, I am still fit, allegedly attractive, motivated and successful (career) in most other aspects of life. Responsible for managing most all domestic duties and functions of the home. Nobody outside my immediate family would suspect issues, problems or dysfunction. It is hidden very well and never open to discussion. She 43F, is educated,works in a professional field and still 8/10 in looks.

Totally understand, this is only my side of the story and I likely have many faults to justify her lack of input with the situation. I have attended therapy with her for some time now, and fail to see improvement or reason to hope for any change. This is what it is, and for many years I have accepted this and pushed on.

All of a sudden, for the past months, I have been questioning everything in my life. No specific reason or logic as to why. Questioning things like my religion, marriage and career. I feel like I am running out of time and drowning all of a sudden, and I don't know why. I have stumbled off my path and unable to get back to my old self. This isn't about buying a sports car or getting a tattoo as I am starting to hate my own reality and want to do something else with my time left in this life. This doesn't seem to be going away and I am thinking more clear than ever. Why do I feel this way.....nothing has changed?

Any thoughts on how I get back into my matrix?

Thanks for listening......

NPC


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Get out.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

What religion are you? I know some who think being a doormat is a Christian virtue (they say it's long-suffering). Hope you are not one of them. You should be more assertive and demand what you want. I am surprised you haven’t questioned your life before now if things in your home are really as you say they are.

You are the one doing the bulk of the work, in and outside the home? She treats you disrespectfully by bartering for sex. Did I get everything right? This is sad. This needs to be fixed.


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## npc1971 (Dec 7, 2016)

Christian. I have no reason to make any of this up and just asking advice.....


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## npc1971 (Dec 7, 2016)

EunuchMonk said:


> What religion are you? I know some who think being a doormat is a Christian virtue (they say it's long-suffering). Hope you are not one of them. You should be more assertive and demand what you want. I am surprised you haven’t questioned your life before now if things in your home are really as you say they are.
> 
> You are the one doing the bulk of the work, in and outside the home? She treats you disrespectfully by bartering for sex. Did I get everything right? This is sad. This needs to be fixed.


Monk.

I understand I have dependency issues and working on improving. Sad or not this is what it is and thus asking a strangers advice. High conflict relationships are hardly as simple as "just getting out"......


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

My advice is that you need to leave the marriage as soon as you are able.


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## npc1971 (Dec 7, 2016)

In your opinion, is the marriage the root cause of why I am feeling like I am?


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Everybody has a Bullsh*t Saturation point, and maybe you've hit yours. Based on what you've written, I'm probably not alone in thinking divorce your wife and live a life worth living. 

It appearing that obvious, what's keeping you in the marriage? Stasis? A sense of obligation? Shame at revealing to friends and extended family at what you've been putting up with for all of these years? Something else?


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

npc1971 said:


> In your opinion, is the marriage the root cause of why I am feeling like I am?


Without knowing anything else about it: yes.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Its not uncommon to question everything, your 44, for many that is the mid-point of their lives, so it is not unreasonable to wonder is this all it, the best that life can offer me....and the answer is depends....it depends what you dreams were and what your dreams are....you may have accomplished certain thing goals and not others....you may have succeed in business in in marriage or the other way around or neither...you may have had awesome 20's and great 30's and then floundered....here is what i discovered so far at 55, i am at the best weight i have ever been, i run, workout, because i love it...i am going after another set of degrees both undergraduate and masters, because i love learning and i love to read and learn, i don't drink, eat right, and, i believe in random acts of kindness over going to church, i feel god when i am hiking in the woods, I love being a dad, and miss my kids something awful sometimes, i write poetry (something i have never done) i have made mistakes, and i believe in redemptions through acts and kind, try to help with out judging, i have started not only rereading the classics but to read the biographies of my favorite authors, and i love to laugh....i have a bucket list. Honestly my marriage looks great on the outside, but we are two different people, to different wants, two different needs, but only one sided with it comes to giving...so in time we part, no anger, no hatred, love but separate. somethings are made to last and others aren't...that goes for friendships and marriages. Not everything is solved with a sport car or a trophy wife. 

let me pass on a quote from one of my favorite books and one in which i highly recommend every man read...even if your not a fisherman...and please don't take the short cut and watch the move, you will miss so much. 

“At sunrise everything is luminous but not clear. It is those we live with and love and should know who elude us. You can love completely without complete understanding.” 

― Norman Maclean, A River Runs Through It and Other Stories


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## npc1971 (Dec 7, 2016)

GTdad said:


> Everybody has a Bullsh*t Saturation point, and maybe you've hit yours. Based on what you've written, I'm probably not alone in thinking divorce your wife and live a life worth living.
> 
> It appearing that obvious, what's keeping you in the marriage? Stasis? A sense of obligation? Shame at revealing to friends and extended family at what you've been putting up with for all of these years? Something else?


I guess fear of being burnt to the ground in many ways. Lifelong alimony, high conflict situations, etc. I could care less what social damage would come from a change like this.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

npc1971 said:


> I guess fear of being burnt to the ground in many ways. Lifelong alimony, high conflict situations, etc. I could care less what social damage would come from a change like this.


Okay, good info. The next step may be to consult with a lawyer to find out what you're facing in a divorce. You don't have to act on any information you get, but you'll know.

How long ago was your wife's last affair?


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## npc1971 (Dec 7, 2016)

3 years ago......he was bald, fat, married and jobless, I might add. Wife is an 8/10.....


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

npc1971 said:


> 3 years ago......


Well, that's certainly recent enough to still sting. I'm guessing that the affairs were pretty much rug-swept, because it's hard enough to have a true reconciliation with any wayward spouse, let alone one who's disordered.

Sometimes it takes a while for resentment to fully boil over. Maybe that's where your at, and I wouldn't blame you.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

npc1971 said:


> In your opinion, is the marriage the root cause of why I am feeling like I am?


I would feel somewhat depressed and lethargic too if my my had two (that you know of) affairs and has no interest in sex or emotional intimacy. Life goes by too quickly. Is this how your life will end or do you have another chapter to write?


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## npc1971 (Dec 7, 2016)

Thanks for answering this post GT......


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

npc1971 said:


> In your opinion, is the marriage the root cause of why I am feeling like I am?


No, it's being married to a BPD wife. That, and you're at the right stage of your life for your midlife crisis. 

A 44 year old is still quite young. Get out and have fun and find women who want to get out and have fun.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

well depending on her feelings on this, i woudl suggest telling her its to costly to divorce so i have decided to to stay married to you but have a separate life. you had your fun now it time for me


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

dude...seriously...GTFO.

while you could be having a "mid life crisis" cant say anyone here would blame you.

its NORMAL to wonder "is this how i am going to live the rest of my life?".....i mean seriously your WW is a cheat and there isn't much there anyway? 

you are worried about money? Laughable. I guess its "cheaper to keep her" or the pain of keeping here isnt worth the expense.....yet.

sorry for being a blunt jerk...but sometimes we need a cold hard dose of reality to wake us up.

your stock price is going up....hers is going down.

its your choice. live like this and it could get worse.... or get on with a nice life you build for yourself and maybe meet someone that puts the wind back in your sails.

best of luck to you.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

npc1971 said:


> I guess fear of being burnt to the ground in many ways. Lifelong alimony, high conflict situations, etc. I could care less what social damage would come from a change like this.


She is educated and works in a professional field... why would you have lifelong alimony?

From what you've shared, how would you see your conflict situation becoming worse... is your fear creating your chaos, or your chaos creating your fear?

You may have to drop a wall or two that have been constructed in self-preservation to give yourself an honest answer...


If she were to walk away from you tomorrow, what would be the first thing you would do for yourself... then ask yourself why you would wait until then?


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## npc1971 (Dec 7, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> She is educated and works in a professional field... why would you have lifelong alimony?
> 
> It would be nothing for her to quit, play victim and punish me to the greatest extent possible. This is BPD and she is smart.
> 
> ...


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

What are you specifically unhappy about in your life? Is it just your relationship with your wife or is it other things? Do you like your job? Your lifestyle? Your friends? Or do you need to do a complete 180 in your life?


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## npc1971 (Dec 7, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> What are you specifically unhappy about in your life? Is it just your relationship with your wife or is it other things? Do you like your job? Your lifestyle? Your friends? Or do you need to do a complete 180 in your life?


I feel like I am vanishing into thin air. That sounds strange but unsure how to explain how I feel anymore. All I do is pay bills and recycle someone elses debt over and over. I am not depressed, but feel really pointless in life right now.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> Close to forgetting who I really am to be honest....


NPC, after having lived with my BPDer exW for 15 years, I understand that feeling -- of losing yourself -- very well. The only way a BPDer wife would tolerate your presence in the marriage for 20 years was if you continued walking on eggshells -- i.e., not being your true self. This process is harmful to her as well as to you. That's why the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to abused spouses like you) is titled, _Stop Walking on Eggshells._ 

But, of course, when you do stop, your W will be horrified to see the real YOU. Moreover, she almost certainly will be terrified that it means you are planning on divorcing her. So she likely would walk out at that time. That's what my exW did to me when I started establishing stronger personal boundaries and enforcing them -- becoming my old self. She decided to preemptively abandon me before I had a chance to do it to her (never mind that I had no intention to leave her).

By "abandon me" I mean she called the police and had me arrested on the bogus charge of "brutalizing" her. When I got out of jail 3 days later, I found out that she had obtained a R/O forbidding me from returning to my own home for the next 18 months (the time it takes to get a divorce in this State). When the police show up, BPDers are very VERY convincing -- because their perception is so distorted by their intense feelings that they actually BELIEVE the outrageous allegations coming out of their mouths.



npc1971 said:


> I feel like I am vanishing into thin air. That sounds strange but unsure how to explain how I feel anymore.


No, NPC, it doesn't sound strange at all. On the contrary, you should consider yourself lucky that -- after living with a BPDer for 20 years -- you only feel like your self identity is evaporating. Of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious -- by far -- for making a large share of the abused partners feel like they are losing their minds. Indeed, therapists see far more of those folks coming in (to find out if they are going crazy) than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

This "crazy making" behavior of BPDers is so well known that the "Nons" (i.e., nonBPD partners) have given it a name: gaslighting. It is named after the classic 1944 movie "Gaslight," in which a husband (Charles Boyer) tries to drive his new bride (Ingrid Bergman) crazy so as to get her institutionalized, allowing him to run off with her family jewels. One of his many tricks is to turn the home's gas lights down a tiny bit every day -- all the while claiming that he is able to see and read just fine.

Actually, the vast majority of the crazy making behavior of BPDers is not really intended to make you feel crazy. Rather, it is the result of their subconscious minds protecting their fragile egos by keeping their conscious minds from seeing too much of reality. The subconscious accomplishes this by projecting all their mistakes and shortcomings onto their spouses. 

The beauty of projection -- and the reason that BPDers rely on it so heavily -- is that it occurs entirely at the _subconscious_ level, allowing the BPDers to be adamantly convinced the projections are true. Hence, unlike lies (which BPDers will do when trapped), the projections are entirely guilt free -- an important attribute to folks who are filled with so much self loathing that guilt is a very painful experience.

I mention all of this to explain why it is so confusing and disorienting to fall in love with a BPDer. Namely, the confusion largely arises because the BPDer partners _sincerely believe_ the outrageous accusations coming out of their mouths. And a week later, when the BPDer is now claiming the exact opposite, she likely is absolutely convinced that is true too. The nonBPD partners therefore are left thinking that they must have done something wrong to cause their spouses to be so upset.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

npc1971 said:


> She is educated and works in a professional field... why would you have lifelong alimony?
> 
> It would be nothing for her to quit, play victim and punish me to the greatest extent possible. This is BPD and she is smart.
> 
> ...


Sounds like you need a hostage negotiator... or an exorcist.

Guess what? You have both... you will find them in the mirror.

A financial comfortable life is nothing without peace... you are going to have to let go of some of those fears of not having a few material things for a short term if you choose to free yourself with a separation/divorce. Good legal advice for the State you reside in will help you get there.

Buttons, buttons, so many buttons... and every one of them on you is not in her control. She only wins if you react, ever try to whip away the air? No place for the lash to land... this is you @npc1971, transparent to the nth degree is not a vanishing act of self, it's a confidence of self, no need to dodge the snapper, with practice you won't have to. You can do this, with therapy if necessary, you are going to find that calm inside she cannot touch, and that is incredibly visible.

Walls... there were times I've felt I could look that word in the Oxford Dictionary and find my picture there. Brother, the outside reality is that we decided, chose really, a coping way to link these walls with our identity. We think it impossible to UN-link because we've grown used to them for unmindful protection against accepting that it will take more pain before letting go when letting go of our suffering is the best path. 

Yep, you have changed... you look nothing like you did 2, 10, 20 years ago, inside or out. What resistance are you fighting now? It's all about worrying what you will lose in your current loss of self opposed to what you will gain...

Mirror time again... stop waiting for her to walk away to do that first thing for self, you need to see yourself as successful as you can truly be. 

It doesn't have to be big at all... but it has to be only for you, so start "attainable".

Name a couple things you can accomplish in less than an afternoon that you have really wanted to do... go see that movie you know you would love but she would never entertain, go to a motorcycle dealership and sit on every single bike in the shop with no intention on buying, you fill in the blanks here... 

So many years where you are must have had a codependent impact... Codependent No More by Melody Beattie is a great read and your local library should have it... another wonderful place to find calm.

Then with the new tools you have started to touch... start interviewing for your own counselor, we all need a hand up, someone to guide us as we lace our new shoes for the path we deserve.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Wow @Uptown... one really needs a lot of self-love to get through that, is there a successful way to clarity or is that always the challenge and suffering to have a relationship with such an environment?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

npc1971 said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> First time poster. Seeking opinions in sorting out this rut I am in. Sorry for the novel. It seemed necessary to tell the story to get the feed back I am asking for.
> 
> ...


Of course you are questioning you are married to a person with BPD. You have settled, probably rugswept and for what really, what have you gotten, an unfulfilled life. God damn man life is too short.

Also your wife cheated on you twice that makes her about a 2 not a 8/10. Wake up man!


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## npc1971 (Dec 7, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Wow @Uptown... one really needs a lot of self-love to get through that, is there a successful way to clarity or is that always the challenge and suffering to have a relationship with such an environment?


Borderlines are black holes and emotional vampires. It is better now and I had it better than others, but I could write stories of crazy that most normal people wouldn't even believe...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Which is why you have to get out. While you still can.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Wow @*Uptown*... one really needs a lot of self-love to get through that, is there a successful way to clarity or is that always the challenge and suffering to have a relationship with such an environment?


EB, the vast majority of BPDers are high functioning folks who are very easy to fall in love with. A wide variety of people are strongly attracted to their warmth, vulnerability, and childlike purity of expressions. My experience is that most folks have high personal boundaries and thus are able to avoid becoming enmeshed with the BPDers. 

Those people typically enjoy the six-month period of infatuation and passionate sex and then are willing to spend an additional 6 or 12 months attempting to restore the R/S to its initial glory. At that point, they achieve "clarity" -- as you say -- because their strong personal boundaries allow them to clearly see where their own problems stop and where those of the BPDer begin.

Those of us who are highly empathetic caregivers, however, can quickly become enmeshed with the BPDer. This means that we perceive her feelings and problems to be the same thing as our own feelings and problems. Because we know -- to a certainty -- that this person truly loves us, we are willing to spend years trying to figure out what WE must be doing wrong (that makes her so unhappy and angry). 

In this situation, the quickest way to obtain clarity -- i.e., to see what your own contribution to the toxicity is -- oftentimes is to first understand how the BPDer is playing a toxic role. Then, by simple subtraction, you are able to quickly see your own role in that toxic R/S. Once this clarity is achieved, the abused caregiver is freed from the guilt/obligation that keeps him stuck in the R/S because he's able to see that his enabling behavior is harming the BPDer partner, not helping her.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Uptown said:


> NPC, after having lived with my BPDer exW for 15 years, I understand that feeling -- of losing yourself -- very well. The only way a BPDer wife would tolerate your presence in the marriage for 20 years was if you continued walking on eggshells -- i.e., not being your true self. This process is harmful to her as well as to you. That's why the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to abused spouses like you) is titled, _Stop Walking on Eggshells._
> 
> But, of course, when you do stop, your W will be horrified to see the real YOU. Moreover, she almost certainly will be terrified that it means you are planning on divorcing her. So she likely would walk out at that time. That's what my exW did to me when I started establishing stronger personal boundaries and enforcing them -- becoming my old self. She decided to preemptively abandon me before I had a chance to do it to her (never mind that I had no intention to leave her).
> 
> ...


OMG wow....you just described my X to a T.

helps me understand what i was dealing with. and all the while i just thought "bat sh!t crazy".

thank you.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

npc1971 said:


> Borderlines are black holes and emotional vampires. It is better now and I had it better than others, but I could write stories of crazy that most normal people wouldn't even believe...


 @npc1971, I could share a thousand ways for actualizing self-love, but my path may be considerably more free to wander where your's may have a focus. 

Where would you like to land at the end of your day, with your wife, or on your own?

Perhaps it doesn't matter up front, but in the end it will...


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I hate how everyone is so quick to dump their spouse bc of mental or personality disorders. I mean these people are good people they just have issues, they deserve love too. 

Npc1971 you need to take control of your life and stop letting it pass you by with boring routine. If your unhappy then you have to switch things up. Don't think that divorcing your wife will make everything better because it won't. Go to church, pick up hobbies, get into something. You can really get into a dark negative place if you let your mind go there.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Uptown said:


> NPC, after having lived with my BPDer exW for 15 years, I understand that feeling -- of losing yourself -- very well. The only way a BPDer wife would tolerate your presence in the marriage for 20 years was if you continued walking on eggshells -- i.e., not being your true self. This process is harmful to her as well as to you. That's why the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to abused spouses like you) is titled, _Stop Walking on Eggshells._
> 
> But, of course, when you do stop, your W will be horrified to see the real YOU. Moreover, she almost certainly will be terrified that it means you are planning on divorcing her. So she likely would walk out at that time. That's what my exW did to me when I started establishing stronger personal boundaries and enforcing them -- becoming my old self. She decided to preemptively abandon me before I had a chance to do it to her (never mind that I had no intention to leave her).
> 
> ...


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## Married27years (Jun 16, 2016)

Has she actually been diagnosed with BPD by a professional or it's just your opinion? I think you are questioning your situation now because your kids are out of the house so they aren't a distraction or a reason to stay anymore, you never dealt with her affairs and your resentful she not only had sex with other men but doesn't put any effort into your sex life and she hasn't treated you very well over the years.

You are in a good position to leave if you want to which seams like a popular suggestion here. She can support herself and your children are grown so you don't have to worry about visitation or child support. I think part of you wants to do that but part of you is afraid of change. You need to decide if you want to live the rest of your life like this or not. Her affairs alone are a reason to leave. Odds are she will cheat again.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

@npc1971, how did you reconcile your two bouts of her infidelity?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Xenote said:


> Uptown, did she ever regret what she did to you? I hope your life turned out well for you.


Yes, Xenote, apparently many times. But, with an emotionally unstable person, her perception of the R/S and your intentions is based on whatever intense feeling she is experiencing AT THIS VERY MOMENT. Hence, any strong regrets she feels this week may be entirely absent the next. 

Significantly, her feelings of love and hate don't actually disappear. Rather, her subconscious protects her fragile ego by placing the conflicting feeling completely out of reach of her conscious mind. Like young children, BPDers do this because they are too emotionally immature to handle being aware of strong conflicting feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of interpersonal relationships. This is called "black-white thinking."

As to my post-divorce life, yes, it has turned out well. I now realize that my being arrested on a bogus charge and thrown out of my own home for 18 months was one of the BEST things to ever happen to me. Otherwise, I never would have walked away from my BPDer exW. I had spent 15 years taking her to weekly sessions with six different psychologists and 3 MCs -- and I was unwilling to give up on her. 

It was only when I got out of jail -- and had to find an apartment to live in -- that I started to read about BPD. When I realized that my presence in the home was harming her by triggering her two fears -- and that my enabling behavior was preventing her confronting her own issues -- I was freed from the guilt/obligation that had kept me trapped in that toxic marriage for so many years.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Uptown said:


> Yes, Xenote, apparently many times. But, with an emotionally unstable person, her perception of the R/S and your intentions is based on whatever intense feeling she is experiencing AT THIS VERY MOMENT. Hence, any strong regrets she feels this week may be entirely absent the next.
> 
> Significantly, her feelings of love and hate don't actually disappear. Rather, her subconscious protects her fragile ego by placing the conflicting feeling completely out of reach of her conscious mind. Like young children, BPDers do this because they are too emotionally immature to handle being aware of strong conflicting feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of interpersonal relationships. This is called "black-white thinking."
> 
> ...





katiecrna said:


> I hate how everyone is so quick to dump their spouse bc of mental or personality disorders. I mean these people are good people they just have issues, they deserve love too.
> 
> Npc1971 you need to take control of your life and stop letting it pass you by with boring routine. If your unhappy then you have to switch things up. Don't think that divorcing your wife will make everything better because it won't. Go to church, pick up hobbies, get into something. You can really get into a dark negative place if you let your mind go there.


Katie, please read the above post by @Uptown. 

Someone who is charged with domestic battery, and selects to do anything other than go to court and earn a not-guilty plea can never join the military. Any anger management classes, probation, or agreements to not get in trouble are counted against that person. They will NEVER be able to join.

If they do get a guilty verdict, they can never own a weapon.

Nevermind the stigma associated with being charged with domestic battery.

Nobody is worth that...nobody.


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## npc1971 (Dec 7, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> I hate how everyone is so quick to dump their spouse bc of mental or personality disorders. I mean these people are good people they just have issues, they deserve love too.
> 
> Npc1971 you need to take control of your life and stop letting it pass you by with boring routine. If your unhappy then you have to switch things up. Don't think that divorcing your wife will make everything better because it won't. Go to church, pick up hobbies, get into something. You can really get into a dark negative place if you let your mind go there.


Katie, thank you for the reply. 

Routine is the only stability I have. Good people? Most borderlines are not good people. They are fake people and morph into someone else for the moment and own benefit. This is a woman who stood up made a testimony in church while she was screwing around on me with another "religious" married man. I understand your point, when they behave themselves, they are sweet, charming and nice. I give out much more love than I ever get in return. I have been married 20 years, this is hardly a quick reaction to dump my spouse. The past year has been ok with her and there have been times I "thought" things were going to be OK. This is why I am confused as to why I feel this way now. I don't know if I am changing or just passing through something. It is very new ground with me and the way I feel at this point.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Leave. Just leave. You are in an abusive relationship and staying for all the wrong reasons.

She needs help and as long as you are there enabling her, she wont get it.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I think we all come to a certain age in life that our ability to put up with Bullsh*%, reaches a maximum load and we can't do it anymore...whether that be at home or at work...it think that is the point we start to care less about hurting someone else feelings, or afraid that you might be jeopardizing your job or marriage for that manner. I would suggest that it is at that point the real you emerges.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

npc,

What have the consequences and changes as a result of your WWs affairs? Exposure, her avoiding cheating behaviors, confessing, apologizing to the SO of the people she has cheated with, signing a post nuptial, taking a polygraph???

Tamat


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> I hate how everyone is so quick to dump their spouse bc of mental or personality disorders. I mean these people are good people they just have issues, they deserve love too.
> 
> Npc1971 you need to take control of your life and stop letting it pass you by with boring routine. If your unhappy then you have to switch things up. Don't think that divorcing your wife will make everything better because it won't. Go to church, pick up hobbies, get into something. You can really get into a dark negative place if you let your mind go there.


She has cheated on him twice that he knows of, it is more than her personality disorder.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> I hate how everyone is so quick to dump their spouse bc of mental or personality disorders. I mean these people are good people they just have issues, they deserve love too.


This is true everyone deserves love, but most people with BPD should not be married. The emotional commitment is just beyond their capacity. It would be like trying to make someone with a very low IQ do a very technical job. It's just beyond their ability and not fair to them or the person who is with them. They really are retarded in an emotional sense, and I mean that in a clinical way, not in any kind of derogatory manner.


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## npc1971 (Dec 7, 2016)

Lostme said:


> She has cheated on him twice that he knows of, it is more than her personality disorder.


My fault again? That is what you mean to imply with that comment, right?

In her mind she wasn't cheating the first time. She thought "I knew" things were over and moved onto another guy without telling me, moving out, divorcing,etc. Not to mention maxing out every single credit card before hand and buying stuff for the OM. She lied to our MC, family and everyone else. Convinced them I was controlling and nuts which resulted in me becoming the village pariah. Why did she have to kill me like that.....why not just leave and be amicable?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

npc1971 said:


> My fault again? That is what you mean to imply with that comment, right?
> 
> In her mind she wasn't cheating the first time. She thought "I knew" things were over and moved onto another guy without telling me, moving out, divorcing,etc. Not to mention maxing out every single credit card before hand and buying stuff for the OM. She lied to our MC, family and everyone else. Convinced them I was controlling and nuts which resulted in me becoming the village pariah. Why did she have to kill me like that.....why not just leave and be amicable?


No. No, no, no. Not at all your fault.

This is exactly the attitude that keeps somebody attached to a person with a PD.


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## npc1971 (Dec 7, 2016)

Xenote said:


> I think we all come to a certain age in life that out ability to put up with Bullsh*%, reaches a maximum load and we can't do it anymore...whether that be at home or at work...it think that is the point we start to care less about hurting someone else feelings, or afraid that you might be jeopardizing your job or marriage for that manner. I woudl suggest that it is at that point the real you emerges.


I think this is where I am going with this entire situation. 

After all of these years, I can now recognize a pattern of events. Debt keeps getting recycled, she seems to flip out and cheat after so many years because of something she imagined I did or said (my fault). I know these cycles are coming again, and I am unsure if I can survive another one. I am again, at the threshold of another cycle and this is why I am asking the questions here. I am a different person now who is angry, bitter and getting to where I really don't care about anything. I have to think before I say anything around her. Things said will be used against me later. She is ultra sensitive to any form of rejection or fear I am leaving. It gets old having to double think every single thing 24/7 and unable to joke around. I get $hit tested daily and cannot do anything without being questioned with who, what or where. I am just now starting to go around my family again. I miss being around people. In marriage, I want to think someone would actually like all of me, be attracted to me, enjoy my company,conversation and cherish the love I could offer. I exist for her and to show others what she has or what I do for her. It is just so messed up and feel too tangled up to alter the course I am on.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Sounds to me @npc1971 , that you have come to realization that you have been subjected to emotional and psychological blackmail over the years by someone (regardless of their diagnosis) who places their worth and value above all else, and specifically and categorically above yours. Now perhaps for the first time you have awoken...and your angry...and rightly so.....so here is the problem, regardless of what you do, in her mind and the minds she fills you will be the bad guy...the mistake you made by not leaving her the first time, by not exposing her and him to everyone when she cheated the first time has come back to haunt you....so instead of fixing a marriage, all you did was put a bandaid on a gaping wound that never healed...the one thing about bandaids is that they hurt coming off, whether you pull fast or slow they hurt, but at least with fast you can move on quicker...the question on the table...are you ready to pull the bandaid off and start healing....yes she will hate you, yes she will do everything to hurt you, and yes it will cost you....unfortunately you didn't take care of the problem then....and this is now...but i assure one thing...it won't get better if you stay....she is shorting your life...and after all, don't you want to live long enough to piss on her grave. ;-)


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

The way I see it, you want to be married to someone that actually loves you. 

You current wife is incapable of this. You should have left when you caught her the first time. This is what comes from staying with a cheater. The reason she was able to keep cheating is because you never exposed her. 

Find someone that will love and want to be with you.


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