# What happened??



## Sherm67 (Aug 5, 2017)

Okay, I'm still shocked but I figure if my wife does not want to be with me, why should I be with her? I guess I'm using this as an opportunity to vent. 48 hours ago, things were great. We just got back from vacation a week ago and had a great time. We have 3 children ages 16 (will turn 17 in 3 days), 14, and 11. My 16 year old and I are planning a trip with other family members to see where my father-in-law was born. Then 24 hours ago, it all falls apart. My 16 year old daughter who I've had issues with in the past sends me a text telling me that I'm difficult and that at times I embarrass her. I'm ask what is she talking about. Her cousins who are also going on this trip are asking her why am I so negative and why won't I let them have fun on this trip. My response is that this trip is to meet and spend time with her grandfather's family that we've never met. Sightseeing is okay but it's not the main purpose of the trip. In the past, she blames me for everything bad that has happened in her life. So she continues to tell me how difficult I am and I'm defensive, and that's why mom's side of the family doesn't like me, etc., etc. I'm at work about to leave on a business trip and she is telling me this over a text. I respond and I have to admit that I respond not in the best way telling her that her behavior is as bad as mine and that it's time for her to stop blaming people for the bad things that happen in her life and start accepting responsibility. I wish I had the power to do all the things she blames me for, but I don't Sometimes bad things happen for no reason. I'm copying my wife on the exchange and thus my wife chimes in telling me that's enough. I also do not respond to my wife in the nicest way telling her that she's not my mother and part of the problem with our daughter is that she gets to treat people anyway she wants and not have to suffer any consequences. My wife gets upset and shuts down. This morning my wife informs me that she wants a separation because "it became clear that after I went after our daughter via text that my flares and temperament are not going to change." Let me say that 2 days ago my wife tells my daughter that I have been working on my flare ups and there has been a big change in the past year. She goes on to say that she thinks I have deep rooted resentment towards her (my wife) and it's abusive. Yes, I blew up via text, I admit that. During my text message blow up, I told me daughter that she doesn't deserve to have the car that we're paying for so I'm taking it back. My wife tells me (after she tells me that she wants to be separated) that I need to call my mom and tell her what happens so that my mom can explain to me how important it is for our daughter to keep the car. I ask my wife for clarification. You want me to call my mother and tell her that you want a separation but you want me to talk to her about letting our daughter keep a car? Silence from my wife. She then comes back and says that taking the car harms my relationship with our daughter. I ask how can it be harmed more than it is right now. Later my wife tells me that she spoke to her mom and her mom is willing to take over the car payments so that our daughter can keep the car. I state that this talk about separation is going to change our lives forever and the only thing she's focused on is this car. She tells me that she's focused on our daughter. So my wife contacts an attorney to start asking what needs to be done to start the separation process. I do the same thing as I feel I need to protect myself. I'm told that where I live, there are 2 options: legal or physical separation. So, I contact my wife and tell her what she needs to do for both: legal, file the paperwork with the court; physical - state that she no longer wants to be married to me and physically leaves. I tell her I'm not leaving because I'm not the one requesting the separation. The kicker is that she's not willing to do either. She wants me to do it. I tell her I'm not doing her dirty work for her. If she wants this then she needs to do it and move on. She goes silent and has stopped communicating with me. I have no idea what my next move is and I'm still out of town on a business trip. Part of me says to give her time and space but at the same time, she's the one who wants to separate, she contacted a lawyer first, and as I stated, why should I be with someone who doesn't want to be with me? I feel like I'm the first person to go through this scenario but I'm sure there are 100s or 1000s of others just like it.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Sorry for what you're going through. If I can offer one piece of advice -- stop engaging in texting wars. They escalate quickly, too easy to fire off angry words that can be preserved forever, and statements can be easily taken out of context because you can't see the person and read their body language or hear the inflection in their voice.

Don't respond to any more of these threatening texts (look how quickly it escalated to separation and divorce!) other than to say, "I'm working right now. We'll discuss this when I get home."

Kudos to you though on holding firm with your living arrangements. If your wife wants a divorce, SHE can file and SHE can move.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

Shame, if one text could make her propose separation so suddenly, I am guessing she has been thinking about this for a while. Tbh, I don't think your texts were out of line & as a father you have the right to call out your daughter. It seems silly to want to separate over such a trivial matter? My dad has said much worse to me, & I am not allowed to talk to my parents like that at all! Your wife has definitely been considering separation secretly...My husband left 3 months ago suddenly after a heated argument & we have not spoken to each other much since. I too feel as if it is unfair that the marriage can end on his terms with me still so in love with him & under the false impression that we were happy...such is life eh. I am no relationship expert but I advise you to keep strong! 

I made many mistakes like beg for him back & only when I had chosen not to reply was when he reached out to me a few times. I caved in & started texting him again, & now he's gone cold. Give your wife what she wants & don't let your guard down. Always be polite but not needy & show her you're fine without her... it will make her go nuts!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Regardless of her contacting a lawyer first, bolster your position by legally reciprocating! She may want out for reasons that are totally unknown to you!

From strictly an administrative standpoint, if you file first, you can pretty much set the hearing agenda! And the scenario for custody and division of community assets!*


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

OP, like many of us you are focused on and trying to make sense of the critical moment where it all fell apart. Stop doing that. It will only cause you to have remorse and regrets because you constantly be questioning yourself over what if something had happened differently. It really doesn't matter because it has already happened.
Now you need to start accepting what has happened. It didn't happen because of a text exchange. In fact it has been in motion for sometime, and again, like many of us, you did not have any context to place it in, so you missed the signals. Again, not blaming you, simply pointing out that for the most part each of us was simply doing the best we knew how at the time.
As others have said, this request for separation did not just happen, it is something that she has considered and thought about for a long time. The fact that she moved so quickly confirms that she had previously considered a plan of action.
I also hate to be the bearer of bad news, but typically when a woman says she is done, she is done. Your best course of action at this point is to focus on your self, learn from your mistakes (because we all make them) and become the best version of your self that you can be. 
This will serve you best, regardless of whether she changes her mind or not.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

So, how's the health of the marriage? How often do you have sex, kiss, hold hands, and go on dates? Are you in love? Is this marriage worth saving?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I hate texting/messaging for anything more than one sentence... it should be left for what it was, a notification tool. :|

Never use text for anything that touches feeling... my daughters taught me that lesson I use today for all the reasons HAAC said.

When having to communicate over distance, voice first, face to face second when you can catch up... not email, message, or text ever where a tension can arise from it.

A wise voice on this board says "Never...ever...ever play brinkmanship unless you are willing to go over the brink".

I'd say your wife, daughter, and grandma have announced an unhealthy alliance... it was probably already formed awhile back whether you were aware or not and this is just an example of it.

This is an joint advance in force and if you cannot contain your reactive "flare-ups" during this, your line will fold because it was weakened with your outbursts. I believe there is probably discussion of this around you.

When I was perceived as the bad guy it was because I was the bad guy... I could yell the loudest with the most force. It didn't matter that that they began it, wound it up, teamed up with three voices... if they pushed hard enough I could out shout... that was the Sergeant in me but I could not see I was reinforcing defeat, not in the topic... I always "won" that, but in navigating my family in the lessons that we all needed.

Listen more, react less, breathe between thoughts... get used to using communication tools like "when you/I feel/because" and "what I hear you say/what did you hear me say". People like good communication, whether they use them themselves or not... lead the way dad.

As for the brinkmanship... I would have a copy of the paperwork with me so that if separation is brought up again you have the ability to offer a possible choice free and clear of any subtleties or misinterpretations while you learn to control your dynamic personality traits.

I speak from the heart when I offer this... want to pull back the instinctive outbursts that are formed from defensive reactions?

Learn to meditate...


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Before further advice, I need to know two things:

1. Does she have a point about outbursts?

2. Are you willing to lose your marriage over her sudden escalation?

Your firm stance indicates that may be the case. I don't know that it will happen, but your willingness to do so will have a huge impact on how you approach the situation.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I agree that if she want the separation then SHE needs to be the one to move out. 

Also let me say this... if you dont learn how to get your anger issues under control, then NO ONE will ever be happy being with you. Your statement about your wife talking to your daughter about your "flares" tells me that you have some serious anger issues. I have lived with angry men in my past, and I have to tell you its HELL. Its HORRIBLE. And never again. 

I would suggest you use the time that you are away to pull your wits about you. If she hasnt left by the time you return home, then treat things as an in house separation, and if needed, get legal paperwork together yourself.


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## Sherm67 (Aug 5, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> So, how's the health of the marriage? How often do you have sex, kiss, hold hands, and go on dates? Are you in love? Is this marriage worth saving?


I thought the marriage was in good shape. When we were on vacation, she wanted to break our sex record. We were having sex everyday. The last day of the vacation she told me that she loves me very much and told her the same thing. She gave me the weak "I do love you'" yesterday during the car discussion. She also told me that I should still go on the trip with her side of the family. We hold hands sometimes when we go out. She wants to do it every time we're together. I would say that I do it 25% of the time we're out together. She has said in the past that she believes that she loves me more than I love her. I'm not a PDA type of guy. Do I want to get separated or divorced? No, but I'm not going force someone who doesn't want to be with me to stay. It will be just delaying what will probably happen later.


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## Sherm67 (Aug 5, 2017)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> I hate texting/messaging for anything more than one sentence... it should be left for what it was, a notification tool. :|
> 
> Never use text for anything that touches feeling... my daughters taught me that lesson I use today for all the reasons HAAC said.
> 
> ...


I do agree that in my case that no matter what, I am perceived as the bad guy. I do flare up at certain issues. Disrespect and telling me how I feel about something are the items that get me. For the upcoming family trip, the adults agreed to do a tour. Before deciding on the 2:30 time we asked the younger family/cousins what time they preferred, all commented they did not care. I said lets do the 2:30. The adults agree and we pay for the 2:30 time slot. The next day, one of cousins decides she now wants to do the 9:30 tour and makes up a lie and tells everyone that the 2:30 tour is not wheelchair accessible. I point out to everyone that I did asked the tour company up front and all tours can accommodate wheelchairs. To confirm, I call the the tour company and yes all tours can handle wheelchairs. My daughter jumps all over me saying that I'm trying to control the situation and why am I so negative. She says I am being immature by pointing that out. I hold my tongue in an attempt to keep the peace. Then I get call from my wife saying that she knows I'm angry because the cousin lied. I tell her that I'm not anger. She continues the conversation telling me that I shouldn't be angry. I keep repeating that I'm not angry. Just because I point out that someone was not telling the truth does not mean I'm angry. I bring up that our daughter's behavior was unacceptable. My wife's response was what it always is, my daughter is young. Later, the other cousins start contacting my daughter asking why did I do that? Then the text comes from my daughter that started the separation talk. I totally agree with you when you wrote "It didn't matter that that they began it, wound it up, teamed up..." In the end, I did what I felt was right and I'm the bad guy.


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## Sherm67 (Aug 5, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> Before further advice, I need to know two things:
> 
> 1. Does she have a point about outbursts?
> 
> ...


I do have outburst, but in my opinion, they come after I'm pushed and pushed. I'm had counseling so I can recognize the points that cause my outbursts and for the most part, I have been able to notice when an outburst is coming. But when my daughter continuously goes off on me and my wife's takes the position that my daughter is young and it will grow out of it one day, the outburst will take place.  It's hard for me to sit there and have a 16 year disrespect me in that manner. In the past, when the outburst occurred, they would be directed to my wife as well because of her willingness to accept my daughters behavior. Hence my wife statement that I have resentment towards her. 

I don't want to lose my marriage at all but sometimes things just aren't meant to be. But I am standing firm that if she wants to separate, then she is going to be the one to leave the house. I'm sure some will say for me to do the manly thing and leave, but the manly thing may not be the best legal thing to do.


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## Sherm67 (Aug 5, 2017)

Update: my wife and I have our separate email accounts and we have an email that we share for school notices, the kid's savings accounts, etc. This morning I check the email account and see an email from the bank saying that the contact information has been updated. I call the bank to see what's going on. The bank tells me that my wife did updated her email address on the bank account from the shared account to her separate email address. No biggie, I get email notifications to my personal email when anything happens to any of the accounts. Then they tell me that she has created and attached a new checking account to our main shared account with just her name on it. I ask can she transfer money from the main account to the new account and then I can't touch the money and the response was yes. To shorten up the story, the bank allows me to put a freeze on the account to stop any withdraws from the account above our check card limits. I contact her by wishing that she was having a nice day and that I noticed that she created a new account and attached it to the main shared account. I tell her about the freeze and my reasoning for putting the freeze on the account (to keep her from transferring every dime in the shared account into an account that only she can access). She says that she created the account to make it easier for her to keep her cash allowance (that we both have from the shared account) separate and that she has no intention of moving any other money from the joint account. I don't feel that I can trust her on that.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sherm67 said:


> Okay, I'm still shocked but I figure if my wife does not want to be with me, why should I be with her? I guess I'm using this as an opportunity to vent. 48 hours ago, things were great. We just got back from vacation a week ago and had a great time. We have 3 children ages 16 (will turn 17 in 3 days), 14, and 11. My 16 year old and I are planning a trip with other family members to see where my father-in-law was born. Then 24 hours ago, it all falls apart. My 16 year old daughter who I've had issues with in the past sends me a text telling me that I'm difficult and that at times I embarrass her. I'm ask what is she talking about. Her cousins who are also going on this trip are asking her why am I so negative and why won't I let them have fun on this trip. My response is that this trip is to meet and spend time with her grandfather's family that we've never met. Sightseeing is okay but it's not the main purpose of the trip. In the past, she blames me for everything bad that has happened in her life. So she continues to tell me how difficult I am and I'm defensive, and that's why mom's side of the family doesn't like me, etc., etc. I'm at work about to leave on a business trip and she is telling me this over a text. I respond and I have to admit that I respond not in the best way telling her that her behavior is as bad as mine and that it's time for her to stop blaming people for the bad things that happen in her life and start accepting responsibility. I wish I had the power to do all the things she blames me for, but I don't Sometimes bad things happen for no reason. I'm copying my wife on the exchange and thus my wife chimes in telling me that's enough. I also do not respond to my wife in the nicest way telling her that she's not my mother and part of the problem with our daughter is that she gets to treat people anyway she wants and not have to suffer any consequences. My wife gets upset and shuts down. This morning my wife informs me that she wants a separation because "it became clear that after I went after our daughter via text that my flares and temperament are not going to change." Let me say that 2 days ago my wife tells my daughter that I have been working on my flare ups and there has been a big change in the past year. She goes on to say that she thinks I have deep rooted resentment towards her (my wife) and it's abusive. Yes, I blew up via text, I admit that. During my text message blow up, I told me daughter that she doesn't deserve to have the car that we're paying for so I'm taking it back. My wife tells me (after she tells me that she wants to be separated) that I need to call my mom and tell her what happens so that my mom can explain to me how important it is for our daughter to keep the car. I ask my wife for clarification. You want me to call my mother and tell her that you want a separation but you want me to talk to her about letting our daughter keep a car? Silence from my wife. She then comes back and says that taking the car harms my relationship with our daughter. I ask how can it be harmed more than it is right now. Later my wife tells me that she spoke to her mom and her mom is willing to take over the car payments so that our daughter can keep the car. I state that this talk about separation is going to change our lives forever and the only thing she's focused on is this car. She tells me that she's focused on our daughter. So my wife contacts an attorney to start asking what needs to be done to start the separation process. I do the same thing as I feel I need to protect myself. I'm told that where I live, there are 2 options: legal or physical separation. So, I contact my wife and tell her what she needs to do for both: legal, file the paperwork with the court; physical - state that she no longer wants to be married to me and physically leaves. I tell her I'm not leaving because I'm not the one requesting the separation. The kicker is that she's not willing to do either. She wants me to do it. I tell her I'm not doing her dirty work for her. If she wants this then she needs to do it and move on. She goes silent and has stopped communicating with me. I have no idea what my next move is and I'm still out of town on a business trip. Part of me says to give her time and space but at the same time, she's the one who wants to separate, she contacted a lawyer first, and as I stated, why should I be with someone who doesn't want to be with me? I feel like I'm the first person to go through this scenario but I'm sure there are 100s or 1000s of others just like it.


Sorry you are in this mess but tbh, teenagers can put a lot of stress on a marriage, I know mine did. My H is sometimes brusque with the kids when they lived at home, but as a father he is right, sometimes they can walk over me somewhat.
I think your wife thinks you are being too harsh. How much time do you spend with the kids, family, wife and as a family. Do you travel alot for work and are working long hours, this can result in you becoming a bit of an outsider. You pay the bills but you are never there and when you are back you dictate (or it seems like that) what should be happening in the family. This can ruffle a lot of feathers ( I have been in this place) and teenagers will set you off against one another particularly if the parents have some of their own issues, such as resentment.
Just trying to set the context and see if this jives. For your wife to go from happy holidays to separation means that there is stuff going on with her and you, resentment, etc which is nothing to do with your daughter but now the fire has been started, she is letting it all out.

I agree with another poster, stay calm, do not engage (though you want to) be the level headed, voice of reason and leadership. 
Do NOT move out. Ask your wife to sit with you and discuss what is bothering her, listen with an open heart, no judgement, shooting from the hip, no defensiveness or rebuttals, just listen. If necessary bite your tongue. Tell her you will mull over what she said and get up and leave to another room. 
It does sound like you have a bad temper, something that has to stop.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Agree that you definitely need to stop engaging over text.

Text is a method of communication that should be restricted to logistics... i.e. shopping lists or planning. Not feelings, emotions, fights, disagreements, or discussions. That's what face-to-face communication is for.

Text gives the barrier necessary to get away with a lot more things that would normally not be said face-to-face... because then you have to articulate and verbalize.. then own your feelings on the spot. Many teenagers can't do this and that's why they prefer texting and social media.

So, the next time either your daughter or wife start to go off on one over text, you tell them simply, you will not have this conversation over text and if they want to continue, they need to do it face-to-face with you.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

What the hell is your wife doing airing your dirty laundry to a 16-year-old girl? Painting you as "abusive" and unable to control your "flare-ups". How is this your daughter's business? Even if these things are true about you, why is she working to diminish your daughter's respect for you? Is this all to render you powerless as a parent? Unilaterally deciding your daughter can keep a car, and you're expected to have no input as her father? Regardless of who pays for a car, parents are the authority over what and where their 16-year-old can drive. 

I don't know your history, but it does appear to me that you might be somewhat controlling. Do you think this is an issue in your ability to get along with your wife and daughter? Is this something you think you need to work on? Just how bad are your "flare ups"?

Do you think your wife might be bluffing with respect to the separation talk? Is this just a negotiating tactic to get you to back down on what she wants?


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

I suppose I have a different take on your situation.

Your teenage daughter is out-of-control and apparently very skilled at manipulating you and certainly your wife. Have limits ever been set on her behavior, as in limits with consequences for exceeding them? If your daughter has also been spoiled (wheedles/whines/tantrums to get her way and, it worked for her) then she has no motivation to stop her behavior.

It sounds as if your wife is trying to be a friend (equal) to your daughter and you are trying to be a parent? If so, that will not work. I would strongly suggest family counseling (you, your wife and your daughter together). The counseling is needed whether you and your wife decide to separate or not. Parents need to be on the same page concerning parenting methods and rules and, when they are not it needs to be discussed in private and never in front of the child. There is no harm in disengaging with your daughter by saying "your mother and I need to discuss this first and then we will talk to you".

Remember to always remain calm and assertive with your daughter when she is disrespectful, becoming angry is exactly what she wants because that is how she "wins". She still has a very child-like brain with immature reasoning capabilities and emotional regulation. Human brains do not reach full development until around age 25 years.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

red sonja said:


> i suppose i have a different take on your situation.
> 
> Your teenage daughter is out-of-control and apparently very skilled at manipulating you and certainly your wife. Have limits ever been set on her behavior, as in limits with consequences for exceeding them? If your daughter has also been spoiled (wheedles/whines/tantrums to get her way and, it worked for her) then she has no motivation to stop her behavior.
> 
> ...


QFT

OP a simple counter move to the bank act. change is to change your direct deposit to a act in your name only 

See how that works wifey!!

55


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Red Sonja said:


> I suppose I have a different take on your situation.
> 
> Your teenage daughter is out-of-control and apparently very skilled at manipulating you and certainly your wife. Have limits ever been set on her behavior, as in limits with consequences for exceeding them? If your daughter has also been spoiled (wheedles/whines/tantrums to get her way and, it worked for her) then she has no motivation to stop her behavior.
> 
> ...


There are so many truths here...

When did the relationship turn come no matter how grounded I was?

Between 24-26 yrs for both daughters... I simply smiled.

Again, learn to meditate...


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Sherm67 said:


> Update: my wife and I have our separate email accounts and we have an email that we share for school notices, the kid's savings accounts, etc. This morning I check the email account and see an email from the bank saying that the contact information has been updated. I call the bank to see what's going on. The bank tells me that my wife did updated her email address on the bank account from the shared account to her separate email address. No biggie, I get email notifications to my personal email when anything happens to any of the accounts. Then they tell me that she has created and attached a new checking account to our main shared account with just her name on it. I ask can she transfer money from the main account to the new account and then I can't touch the money and the response was yes. To shorten up the story, the bank allows me to put a freeze on the account to stop any withdraws from the account above our check card limits. I contact her by wishing that she was having a nice day and that I noticed that she created a new account and attached it to the main shared account. I tell her about the freeze and my reasoning for putting the freeze on the account (to keep her from transferring every dime in the shared account into an account that only she can access). She says that she created the account to make it easier for her to keep her cash allowance (that we both have from the shared account) separate and that she has no intention of moving any other money from the joint account. I don't feel that I can trust her on that.


Hmmm... I was curious where your daughter was learning dishonesty from and initially thought the cousin as a bad influence.

Now... I am thinking there may be other sources of influence. 

The truth lies somewhere in the middle...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sherm67 said:


> I do have outburst, but in my opinion, they come after I'm pushed and pushed.


Ok, first, STOP letting a child run this discussion. She is a child and reacting to her rants and opinions only makes you look weak. The biggest thing to learn when dealing with a teenager is - DO NOT REACT. Use NO emotion. If she rages, let her and do not comment. If she blames, say I'm sorry you feel that way. If she wants something different, say when you're an adult you can make your own decisions. WITH NO EMOTION.

Second, if you really want to fix anything, you will HAVE to be honest with yourself. Take a good hard look at yourself. People don't just make stuff up usually. There is usually a kernel of truth in any accusation. And even in your quote above, you are essentially BLAMING somebody else for YOUR actions. 

A woman's top emotional need is usually security. You are denying her security through outbursts and negativity. I know, because I'm married to a negative man and I literally think about leaving him every single day just to get away from the negativity. 

Here's a job for you: get a little notebook, and write down everything you say for 24 hours. Then take a look at it and see how many comments are positive ones.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

Sherm67 said:


> Update: my wife and I have our separate email accounts and we have an email that we share for school notices, the kid's savings accounts, etc. This morning I check the email account and see an email from the bank saying that the contact information has been updated. I call the bank to see what's going on. The bank tells me that my wife did updated her email address on the bank account from the shared account to her separate email address. No biggie, I get email notifications to my personal email when anything happens to any of the accounts. Then they tell me that she has created and attached a new checking account to our main shared account with just her name on it. I ask can she transfer money from the main account to the new account and then I can't touch the money and the response was yes. To shorten up the story, the bank allows me to put a freeze on the account to stop any withdraws from the account above our check card limits. I contact her by wishing that she was having a nice day and that I noticed that she created a new account and attached it to the main shared account. I tell her about the freeze and my reasoning for putting the freeze on the account (to keep her from transferring every dime in the shared account into an account that only she can access). She says that she created the account to make it easier for her to keep her cash allowance (that we both have from the shared account) separate and that she has no intention of moving any other money from the joint account. I don't feel that I can trust her on that.


Do you both work and contribute to the joint account? Do you have your own separate account? Whose names appear on the note/mortgage on the house? I would certainly consult with a lawyer. She has upped the ante.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

So your wife has said she wants a separation, has spoken to a lawyer, has taken action to separate finances but is telling you she doesn't want a divorce. I suspect a divorce is in progress and she's telling you it's not what she wants so she can catch you unprepared once her ducks are aligned. 

You better lawyer up.


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## Sherm67 (Aug 5, 2017)

Nucking Futs said:


> So your wife has said she wants a separation, has spoken to a lawyer, has taken action to separate finances but is telling you she doesn't want a divorce. I suspect a divorce is in progress and she's telling you it's not what she wants so she can catch you unprepared once her ducks are aligned.
> 
> You better lawyer up.


I agree. I have taken some good ideas from this board and started preparing myself for that very event. I have already caught my wife playing on words. She claimed that she hasn't discussed the "divorce" with anyone but I later learned that she has already started telling people on her side of the family all about the "separation." One of those family member's contacted me to see how I was doing. When I asked her what this family member was talking about, the squirming to explain what happened started.

She also told my daughter to ignore anything I tell her to do in regards to the car. She told her to take the car and drive it as she wishes. I was really upset when I arrived home and learned of this, BUT I did not say a word. I took a deep breathe and did not respond. But I will be adding this item as a discussion point with my lawyer.


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## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

Sherm67 said:


> Then they tell me that she has created and attached a new checking account to our main shared account with just her name on it. I ask can she transfer money from the main account to the new account and then I can't touch the money and the response was yes. To shorten up the story, the bank allows me to put a freeze on the account to stop any withdraws from the account above our check card limits. I contact her by wishing that she was having a nice day and that I noticed that she created a new account and attached it to the main shared account. I tell her about the freeze and my reasoning for putting the freeze on the account (to keep her from transferring every dime in the shared account into an account that only she can access). She says that she created the account to make it easier for her to keep her cash allowance (that we both have from the shared account) separate and that she has no intention of moving any other money from the joint account. I don't feel that I can trust her on that.


My wife kinda did this to me too. We had an argument, and she withdrew all the money from our joint account, and closed it, without consulting me. There wasn't a huge amount of money in the account, but I was surprised that the bank allowed her to do this when my name was on the account too - I only found out about this when I tried to access the account a few weeks later, and couldn't, and my wife very sheepishly admitted that she had closed it while in a sulk. This still bothers me now, not because of the money, but because she unilaterally decided to take something that belonged to both of us, and just do what she wanted with it, without even telling me.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Sherm67 said:


> I agree. I have taken some good ideas from this board and started preparing myself for that very event. I have already caught my wife playing on words. She claimed that she hasn't discussed the "divorce" with anyone but I later learned that she has already started telling people on her side of the family all about the "separation." One of those family member's contacted me to see how I was doing. When I asked her what this family member was talking about, the squirming to explain what happened started.
> 
> *She also told my daughter to ignore anything I tell her to do in regards to the car. She told her to take the car and drive it as she wishes. I was really upset when I arrived home and learned of this, BUT I did not say a word. I took a deep breathe and did not respond. But I will be adding this item as a discussion point with my lawyer.*


Sounds like she needs to get the car (and the payments) in the divorce if she's so adamant about it. Either that or you need to take it and sell it.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

your daughter has been listening to mom bashing you every chance she get.

now shes just like mom. devious and selfish stab you in the back.

lawyer up. and don't believe anything your wife or daughter says again.


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## Spitfire (Jun 6, 2015)

I would agree with a previous poster and set up my own checking account and direct deposit my paycheck into that. I also wouldn't pay to insure the daughter's car. I may even go so far as to figure out the wife's half of the bills and present her with that. Things like her cell phone bill, car payment and insurance would be her responsibility entirely. Just a wild guess but is she a stay at home mom? If so, the kids are old enough that she should get a job and start working at least 20 hours per week. A dose of what life on her own will be like is needed.


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