# Hopeless wife



## Dragonfly001 (4 mo ago)

Hi, I’m new here and nervous about talking about this. I’m so sorry if this isn’t clear but I’ll try. I’m in my early 40’s and my husband in his mid 40’s. I’ve known my husband for nearly 30 years. We dated when we were younger but lost touch for awhile. Been married for 16 years. 

While we were apart he was more promiscuous for awhile while I maintained steady relationships. I haven’t had many partners. When we got back together the chemistry was still amazing. Once we got married his behavior changed drastically. He finally admitted that he self satisfied and would sometimes watch porn. This wasn’t easy for me and I told him it was the same as cheating because it cheated me out of any intimacy. No kissing, hugging, cuddling or even flirtatious behavior. He basically didn’t need me so he didn’t invest in me. Our entire marriage hasn’t changed. He’s a good man but when it comes to our relationship he has no concern. Now we don’t even do anything together. 

I’ve always had a healthy sex drive and the older I get the more it intensifies. Like painfully so and he knows it. Once or twice a year I bring it up but it always breaks my heart. He can’t make promises. It’s just easier this way for him. It takes more work to be with me. I’ve been really open and have been happily down to do whatever he wants. Outside sex, bj’s, anal, whatever it is and there’s a lot. Granted since having kids it’s hard for me to be on top because my hips hurt but I try. He doesn’t even have to work for it. He doesn’t touch me like I’d like which would be rough and gentle, hell anything. I don’t ask for anything because when I have it’s bothered him. It’s what he wants. Sometimes I want to figure out who I want to be in the bedroom. Someone to explore with but we can go years without. Then when it finally happens he wants it to last for hours because it’s so good but we don’t have sex regularly so I get sore. I’ve tried not saying anything hoping we can keep it going but he always disappears for months or years. 

This is killing me inside. I’m petite and in good shape for my age. I’m game, ready and he knows it but it doesn’t matter. I’m at my wits end. I told him I have an itch that cannot be scratched without another active participant. He told me to just approach him but he always says he’s handled it which he does first thing every morning. I feel worthless. He’s now overweight but I don’t even care. I just want to have something there. He says he has to do this every morning. He’s up before everyone. But we have so much time during the day we could be together. I don’t get it. 

I’ve started talking about separating but he says he loves me and doesn’t want to be with anyone else. I feel like he just doesn’t want to be alone. I really love him. This has just gone on too long. There’s such a heaviness of loss in me lately. What am I doing wrong? I know I sound so pathetic and at this point it probably translates into real life communication and that can’t help. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

You have done enough. He won’t change, why should he? Work on your separation and divorce. I’m so sorry.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

If there is nothing wrong with his 'equipment' he has no excuse.

I would tell him that "unless, he ups his romantic game, you are going to leave him".

Tell him that plenty of men would be interested in you
And, you would be correct in saying this.

Tell him that "You only want him, but he is forcing your hand".

I hate ultimatums. but some men and woman only respond to them.

If he does not improve, and stay that way, the next step would be to temporary separate.

I hope it does not come to that.

.He needs to be scared straight, scared hard, scared horny for you

Porn likely has taken over his brain.
It happens.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

My wife has a friend that was in your same situation except they were living together and not married. I think they were together 6 years. She is an active and attractive woman. She eventually had to get it elsewhere and he knew it. That situation couldn’t last but she got tired of begging. They are no longer together but I believe they would be if he would have just stepped up to the plate. I’ve always had a hard time comprehending these types of guys but they are indeed out there as you very well know…unfortunately.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

You may have to separate but I’m not sure what would change if you’re _further_ apart. To me, that’s just delaying the inevitable. You probably will like being away from him because he doesn’t sound like he pays much attention to you. It might be hard to divorce him, but it sounds like you’re more friends who love each other, and not husband and wife.

I’d have a serious talk about where you’re at with this, and that you’re considering leaving. Something tells me he’ll say what you want to hear, make mediocre efforts in bed, and you’ll stay. And he’ll go back to who he is. This is who he is. If he wanted to change, he would. I hope you find peace whatever road you take. 🍀


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## Dragonfly001 (4 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> You may have to separate but I’m not sure what would change if you’re _further_ apart. To me, that’s just delaying the inevitable. You probably will like being away from him because he doesn’t sound like he pays much attention to you. It might be hard to divorce him, but it sounds like you’re more friends who love each other, and not husband and wife.
> 
> I’d have a serious talk about where you’re at with this, and that you’re considering leaving. Something tells me he’ll say what you want to hear, make mediocre efforts in bed, and you’ll stay. And he’ll go back to who he is. This is who he is. If he wanted to change, he would. I hope you find peace whatever road you take. 🍀


You really hit the nail on the head. It was hard to read but I do very much appreciate the feedback.


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## Dragonfly001 (4 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> My wife has a friend that was in your same situation except they were living together and not married. I think they were together 6 years. She is an active and attractive woman. She eventually had to get it elsewhere and he knew it. That situation couldn’t last but she got tired of begging. They are no longer together but I believe they would be if he would have just stepped up to the plate. I’ve always had a hard time comprehending these types of guys but they are indeed out there as you very well know…unfortunately.


I would never consider leaving him if it felt like we were together at all. I’m so confused by all of it. Everyone says sex and affection aren’t everything. But I guess it means something to me. It makes me feel guilty. But there’s nothing much else there anyway. No time spent.


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## Dragonfly001 (4 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> If there is nothing wrong with his 'equipment' he has no excuse.
> 
> I would tell him that "unless, he ups his romantic game, you are going to leave him".
> 
> ...


The silly thing is I’ve thought about an ultimatum but I’m scared. I’ve never given one and I feel confident it wouldn’t sway my way.


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## Dragonfly001 (4 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> You have done enough. He won’t change, why should he? Work on your separation and divorce. I’m so sorry.


Thank you for your kindness.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Dragonfly001 said:


> I would never consider leaving him if it felt like we were together at all. I’m so confused by all of it. Everyone says sex and affection aren’t everything. But I guess it means something to me. It makes me feel guilty. But there’s nothing much else there anyway. No time spent.


To my mind it’s less about sex or affection and more about wanting your spouse to feel loved and be happy. There should be compromise; I’m never in favor of forcing someone to do something sexually that they don’t want to, but your spouse should care enough about you to try to meet you halfway. That’s what I think is really missing here, you are not a priority for him. You deserve to be a priority.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

You have a roommate, not a husband. Sex is a vital part to a marriage. But you’re not even getting the basics…touch, kissing etc.

Sure he doesn’t want a divorce. He’s happy, comfortable and it would cost him financially if you left. But you have to do what’s right for you. You married for more and deserve more.

I think divorce should only be a last ditch effort and considered only when adultery, abuse or abandonment is involved. And he’s abandoned the marriage. Know your worth. You’re not the problem here.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Dragonfly001 said:


> I would never consider leaving him if it felt like we were together at all. I’m so confused by all of it. Everyone says sex and affection aren’t everything. But I guess it means something to me. It makes me feel guilty. But there’s nothing much else there anyway. No time spent.


Sex isn't everything, but it's a sign of a healthy marriage. Your husband would rather do his own thing, and ignore your feelings on this. So, to me, it goes beyond ''just sex.''

Beware of the things he says ''I love you and don't want to leave you,'' in this case is code for ''I'm comfortable and don't want a divorce.'' I don't doubt that he loves you, but he is comfortable in the lifestyle with you, and leaving, having to find his own place, and eventually date again (which means he has to change his ways), is daunting.

Your husband is okay "doing things" on his own, he's not suffering from a physical condition that prevents him from having sex with you. I think that it's sad, and I'm not a fan of ultimatums, and you don't need to give him one. It's not an ultimatum if you mean it, so think on what you may want to say, and go from there. Do you want to be with a man anymore, that you have to say ''sex or I'm leaving?'' At some point, this is hurting your esteem as a woman, and to me, part of sex is my husband's desire for me. That is what you're missing from your husband, and your marriage. Not just the mechanics of sex. If he stopped desiring me, I'd probably leave eventually. So, it's not all about sex, it's largely about desire and feeling wanted.

So, I understand your feelings. I do hope you find peace in the situation, with or without him.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Dragonfly001 said:


> The silly thing is I’ve thought about an ultimatum but I’m scared. I’ve never given one and I feel confident it wouldn’t sway my way.


Then, doomed you are.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Dragonfly001 said:


> I’ve always had a healthy sex drive and the older I get the more it intensifies. Like painfully so and he knows it. Once or twice a year I bring it up but it always breaks my heart. *He can’t make promises. It’s just easier this way for him.*





Dragonfly001 said:


> I feel like he just doesn’t want to be alone.


**This.^^ You've summed it up quite well. Some folks just back in and back out of relationships. It's easier that way, because they don't have to make a large emotional investment. 

Since I truly doubt he'll ever change, you're left holding the bag. Tough decisions need to be made. If you decide to separate, it may jar him enough to make some substantial changes. Then again, it may not.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

Dragonfly001 said:


> Hi, I’m new here and nervous about talking about this. I’m so sorry if this isn’t clear but I’ll try. I’m in my early 40’s and my husband in his mid 40’s. I’ve known my husband for nearly 30 years. We dated when we were younger but lost touch for awhile. Been married for 16 years.
> 
> While we were apart he was more promiscuous for awhile while I maintained steady relationships. I haven’t had many partners. When we got back together the chemistry was still amazing. Once we got married his behavior changed drastically. He finally admitted that he self satisfied and would sometimes watch porn. This wasn’t easy for me and I told him it was the same as cheating because it cheated me out of any intimacy. No kissing, hugging, cuddling or even flirtatious behavior. He basically didn’t need me so he didn’t invest in me. Our entire marriage hasn’t changed. He’s a good man but when it comes to our relationship he has no concern. Now we don’t even do anything together.
> 
> ...


Heeey, somebody similar to meee 😂

If you find a way to solve it, please, do share!!!


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

Mr.Married said:


> My wife has a friend that was in your same situation except they were living together and not married. I think they were together 6 years. She is an active and attractive woman. She eventually had to get it elsewhere and he knew it. That situation couldn’t last but she got tired of begging. They are no longer together but I believe they would be if he would have just stepped up to the plate. I’ve always had a hard time comprehending these types of guys but they are indeed out there as you very well know…unfortunately.


And the guy, did he find another victim for his porn addicted d!ck or is he a forever alone?


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

TexasMom1216 said:


> To my mind it’s less about sex or affection and more about wanting your spouse to feel loved and be happy. There should be compromise; I’m never in favor of forcing someone to do something sexually that they don’t want to, but your spouse should care enough about you to try to meet you halfway. That’s what I think is really missing here, you are not a priority for him. You deserve to be a priority.


👏
On point!!

Can someone add a "clap hands" at the like button?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Sex is the glue for a marriage. Most people don’t change. Sorry, you can’t fix him. He’d have to do that.
Ultimatums at best only work a short time then most will revert back.
Your only option other than divorce or separation is to go your own way for a time. Do what you want when you want. Great time to visit friends, family, or spend some time on what you’ve always wanted to do. This in itself is manipulation so…..
If you can’t make a decision you’ll stay stuck. There is no magic fix. These things come up all the time and they aren’t gender specific.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The one thing Is never feed a cake eater. They’ll only want more cake.


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## Dragonfly001 (4 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> You have a roommate, not a husband. Sex is a vital part to a marriage. But you’re not even getting the basics…touch, kissing etc.
> 
> Sure he doesn’t want a divorce. He’s happy, comfortable and it would cost him financially if you left. But you have to do what’s right for you. You married for more and deserve more.
> 
> I think divorce should only be a last ditch effort and considered only when adultery, abuse or abandonment is involved. And he’s abandoned the marriage. Know your worth. You’re not the problem here.


I appreciate your perspective. I hadn’t thought of it this way at all.


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## Dragonfly001 (4 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Sex isn't everything, but it's a sign of a healthy marriage. Your husband would rather do his own thing, and ignore your feelings on this. So, to me, it goes beyond ''just sex.''
> 
> Beware of the things he says ''I love you and don't want to leave you,'' in this case is code for ''I'm comfortable and don't want a divorce.'' I don't doubt that he loves you, but he is comfortable in the lifestyle with you, and leaving, having to find his own place, and eventually date again (which means he has to change his ways), is daunting.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this. I definitely miss feeling wanted, desirable and feminine. It’s definitely not all sex. I know I can wish for him to want me like I want him but I don’t think I can deliver an ultimatum after some thought. I think it would come down to just being done with it all. I appreciate how kind you’ve been in your responses.


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## Dragonfly001 (4 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> Then, doomed you are.


It’s feeling that way.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So you claim you love him. I dunno .... it seems he's been pretty much detached for the entire marriage. I guess I'm wondering what exactly there is to love. Because from where I'm sitting, it doesn't sound like you have a participating partner in this relationship.


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## Dragonfly001 (4 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> Sex is the glue for a marriage. Most people don’t change. Sorry, you can’t fix him. He’d have to do that.
> Ultimatums at best only work a short time then most will revert back.
> Your only option other than divorce or separation is to go your own way for a time. Do what you want when you want. Great time to visit friends, family, or spend some time on what you’ve always wanted to do. This in itself is manipulation so…..
> If you can’t make a decision you’ll stay stuck. There is no magic fix. These things come up all the time and they aren’t gender specific.


This is actually a really good idea. I don’t have anywhere to go because I recently moved states because my husband’s happiness depended on it. I don’t like to travel (understatement) but there are things I’d love to do I just couldn’t imagine doing them solo. Solo it is, why not. Thank you for this and your insight. If things stay stagnant then I’ll take further steps.


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## Dragonfly001 (4 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> So you claim you love him. I dunno .... it seems he's been pretty much detached for the entire marriage. I guess I'm wondering what exactly there is to love. Because from where I'm sitting, it doesn't sound like you have a participating partner in this relationship.


He has been mostly detached and I for sure don’t love that. Everything before marriage was pretty darn good. There have been moments where I see that return for a beat. But mostly it’s everything else about him. He’s so masculine, incredibly capable, a good father, a good man in general. There’s so much I admire and love about him. I can’t say we always agree but mostly when we do engage, it’s friendly. It just doesn’t go beyond friendly.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dragonfly001 said:


> This is actually a really good idea. I don’t have anywhere to go because I recently moved states because my husband’s happiness depended on it. I don’t like to travel (understatement) but there are things I’d love to do I just couldn’t imagine doing them solo. Solo it is, why not. Thank you for this and your insight. If things stay stagnant then I’ll take further steps.


It’s your best first step. Go out for lunch, see a movie, take a cooking class, join a ladies book club, etc
You don’t need to check in just go. You don’t need his permission either.
Book a nice weekend at a hotel. Just to get away for the weekend.
I’m not a big fan of talk. Actions are all that count.
If it were me and it comes up I would say this isn’t working for me. You don’t have to go into a long drawn out sermon. Just the facts. I look at this as not manipulation but taking a new direction. If you don’t matter to him then why should he matter to you.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Dragonfly001 said:


> It just doesn’t go beyond friendly.


Basically, what you see is what you get. I'll tell you something about people: They generally go in one of three directions; namely, people who move *towards *people, people who move *away* from people, and people who move *against* people.

Your husband is basically someone who moves away from people. It's just who he is. And he can be the GREATEST father on the planet who is capable of leading a battalion into war, but you're not going to be sexually satisfied.

So weigh out the pros and cons. You either let his good traits keep you in this marriage or you don't. Your life. Your choice.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Dragonfly001 said:


> *He basically didn’t need me so he didn’t invest in me.* Our entire marriage hasn’t changed. He’s a good man but when it comes to our relationship he has no concern. Now we don’t even do anything together.


I think it's time for you to look inward and figure out why you are "in love" with someone who is like ^^this.^^ Because now it's YOUR problem/issue.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Dragonfly001 said:


> He has been mostly detached and I for sure don’t love that. Everything before marriage was pretty darn good. There have been moments where I see that return for a beat. But mostly it’s everything else about him. He’s so masculine, incredibly capable, a good father, a good man in general. There’s so much I admire and love about him. I can’t say we always agree but mostly when we do engage, it’s friendly. It just doesn’t go beyond friendly.


I often notice neglected or abused people eventually follow up with ‘he’s really a good man, a great father’.

Which is very sad. Because I can hear the pain.

I usually then wonder, is he/she really truly good? Because that type of person doesn’t read well. It’s sinister, to be honest, when a person know what’s important to someone… and quietly makes it their mission not to give it to them. It’s calculated, planned, and very worrisome.

Not all bad people end up becoming serial killers.

I know a situation where a parent one time heard a child ask never to put a particular filling in a sandwich. She made a point of doing it on a regular basis. And decades later even encouraged his wife to also make him sandwiches with that filling. See, it’s no big deal right? It’s not abuse, it’s not violent… but how is that in anyway good and loving?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Can you tell me how he is good and wonderful to you? Given he lied to tie you down and is now telling you he won’t participate in the marriage, yet he won’t let you go.

On some level, he’s worn you down and understands you won’t ever leave.

So the hill you need to climb, is to surprise him.

Why did his happiness depend on moving you to another city? Was he married before and do you have a local and strong network of people now in your life?


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## Dragonfly001 (4 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> I often notice neglected or abused people eventually follow up with ‘he’s really a good man, a great father’.
> 
> Which is very sad. Because I can hear the pain.
> 
> ...


These are incredibly good points. I’m sorry for working backwards. He didn’t feel safe in the state we were in. I don’t have anyone here but his family. I do happen to love them a lot but I wouldn’t talk with them about marital matters. He didn’t move me away from my network as everyone had already moved around but I do keep in close touch with my friends. He’s never been married and has had only 1 relationship that lasted a year. He said she cheated on him so they broke up. 
I absolutely feel worn down. It’s the cycle we go through. He seems frustrated with me right now because I recently brought up intimacy again but for the first time the normal placating isn’t working. It scares me but makes me feel more resolved for change at the same time. Honestly, I feel like it’s cruel to disregard my feelings but he’s tried to say it’s just not how he was raised. Maybe I try too hard to see things from his perspective. I suppose if I can get it through my head change isn’t on the horizon then it really is my responsibility to accept it or move on. I was hoping he’d just be honest so I can make a decision based on that.
He does do some thoughtful things. He always fills my car with gas and gets it cleaned, he helps around the house, he does the yard work. This sounds so bad….I’ve never even asked myself what he does for me. I know if something was going on In my life he’d make time to talk with me. I feel foolish right now. Thank you for your insight and asking those questions. I’m think I’m going to do what someone recommended above and focus more on myself. If in months things are still stuck in this place then I’ll move forward.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Dragonfly001 said:


> He has been mostly detached and I for sure don’t love that. Everything before marriage was pretty darn good. There have been moments where I see that return for a beat. But mostly it’s everything else about him. He’s so masculine, incredibly capable, a good father, a good man in general. There’s so much I admire and love about him. I can’t say we always agree but mostly when we do engage, it’s friendly. It just doesn’t go beyond friendly.


Can I say this?
Can I say this, out of the blue?

By borrowing some of that blue from your ample supply, your sad demeanor?

Might he be gay?
Has he found himself?

If not, might he have a GF?
She, stealing your juice?
Leaving, not a drop for you; they do that.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Dragonfly001 said:


> I was hoping he’d just be honest so I can make a decision based on that.


I think he is being honest. There's your truth and there's his. Basically, he's dismissive of your sexual needs. He's just not someone who wants to go to the same emotional and physical level as you. I see nothing dishonest or deceitful in that. He's thoughtful. He'd be there for you if you were on the side of the road with a broken-down car. But guess what? I have FRIENDS who come through for me when I need a shoulder to cry on or when I need a lift to get to work.

He's got his good points. In fact, I'm sure he has GREAT points. The thing is, YOU are unfulfilled.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Dragonfly001 said:


> Everyone says sex and affection aren’t everything. But I guess it means something to me. It makes me feel guilty.


There is NOTHING for you to feel guitly about. Sex and affection are absolute fundamentals to a marriage. Without those, you are roomates.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dragonfly001 said:


> These are incredibly good points. I’m sorry for working backwards. He didn’t feel safe in the state we were in. I don’t have anyone here but his family. I do happen to love them a lot but I wouldn’t talk with them about marital matters. He didn’t move me away from my network as everyone had already moved around but I do keep in close touch with my friends. He’s never been married and has had only 1 relationship that lasted a year. He said she cheated on him so they broke up.
> I absolutely feel worn down. It’s the cycle we go through. *He seems frustrated with me right now because I recently brought up intimacy again but for the first time the normal placating isn’t working.* It scares me but makes me feel more resolved for change at the same time. Honestly, I feel like it’s cruel to disregard my feelings but he’s tried to say it’s just not how he was raised. Maybe I try too hard to see things from his perspective. I suppose if I can get it through my head change isn’t on the horizon then it really is my responsibility to accept it or move on. I was hoping he’d just be honest so I can make a decision based on that.
> He does do some thoughtful things. He always fills my car with gas and gets it cleaned, he helps around the house, he does the yard work. This sounds so bad….I’ve never even asked myself what he does for me. I know if something was going on In my life he’d make time to talk with me. I feel foolish right now. Thank you for your insight and asking those questions. I’m think I’m going to do what someone recommended above and focus more on myself. If in months things are still stuck in this place then I’ll move forward.


Talk normally gets you nothing. It’s words versus action.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Dragonfly001 said:


> I would never consider leaving him if it felt like we were together at all. I’m so confused by all of it. Everyone says sex and affection aren’t everything. But I guess it means something to me. It makes me feel guilty. But there’s nothing much else there anyway. No time spent.


I'm glad you are here. 

NEVER let anyone tell you that sex and affection aren't everything!

Don't let anyone tell you this in real life or here. This is critical. If you do, you will feel guilt and shame and allow this treatment to continue. 

You are in what is called a dead bedroom and it is PAINFUL and UNFAIR. anyone tells you otherwise? Tell them to get bent. You have a high sex drive. There is nothing wrong with you. In fact, there is nothing wrong with your low sex drive husband. 


Here's the problem: low sex drive people like your husband are LIARS. They will bait and switch you into a relationship. Then they show their true selves. They are takers. They are leeches. They will suck you dry. They expect you to meet all of their needs but they aren't required to meet yours because "it's just sex". 

You don't have many options here. The only thing you can do is to tell him he can go with you to see a sex therapist with you or you can divorce. You can't bluff. He will assume you are bluffing and keep you in the DB prison. 

Trust me, there are many high drive men that would be more than happy to meet your need. Don't waste thr rest of you life on your husband if he wants to stay selfish


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Dragonfly001 said:


> Hi, I’m new here and nervous about talking about this. I’m so sorry if this isn’t clear but I’ll try. I’m in my early 40’s and my husband in his mid 40’s. I’ve known my husband for nearly 30 years. We dated when we were younger but lost touch for awhile. Been married for 16 years.
> 
> While we were apart he was more promiscuous for awhile while I maintained steady relationships. I haven’t had many partners. When we got back together the chemistry was still amazing. Once we got married his behavior changed drastically. He finally admitted that he self satisfied and would sometimes watch porn. This wasn’t easy for me and I told him it was the same as cheating because it cheated me out of any intimacy. No kissing, hugging, cuddling or even flirtatious behavior. He basically didn’t need me so he didn’t invest in me. Our entire marriage hasn’t changed. He’s a good man but when it comes to our relationship he has no concern. Now we don’t even do anything together.
> 
> ...


You still have a physical attraction towards your husband even if he`s not feeling it at the moment. What kills it could be the atmosphere, environment and type of domestic lifestyle you are both living under.
It’s like a flame that needs reigniting.
You have not mentioned the ages of your children?
Children can place a lot of strain on a marriage, whereas due to work, child care and upkeep of the household becomes a chore and everyday life seems like a duty, a mundane routine, you feel stressed out and overwhelmed wanting the zest placed back into your marriage that is not happening. You feel taken for granted and not appreciated, your husband is not doing it for you. Your husband may also feel frustrated and tries to switch himself off from the situation, this is turn makes you extend your irritations and frustrations towards your husband, it becomes a vicious circle and especially amplified during these times of Covid that places even more strain on each other.
Firstly, don`t listen to some posters on here advising separation or threatening your husband with divorce, which will only make matters worse and set you both further apart.
Make him fight for you.
Do not cheat because that never solves anything.
Begin dolling yourself up, going out and socialising with friends or getting involved in social clubs that do not include your husband, arrive home late and be vague with details of where you are going and who with. If he tries to initiate sex, avoid being submissive only when it`s convenient for him and he has to place more effort into meeting your needs. If he fails make it clear he`s not man enough for you, attack his male ego.
Let your husband see you can still lead an independent lifestyle without him and you are still desirable and after a while he will begin wanting you. It`s a psychological tactic, show someone you no longer care and they will want you even more.
Trust me on this one, it works.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

moon7 said:


> And the guy, did he find another victim for his porn addicted d!ck or is he a forever alone?


I’m not sure what his ongoing situation is.


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## Dragonfly001 (4 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> Can I say this?
> Can I say this, out of the blue?
> 
> By borrowing some of that blue from your ample supply, your sad demeanor?
> ...


I have asked him this before and he said no. On a separate occasion I asked him to show me what porn he watched and his saved content was almost all women. The only men were when they were with a woman. No solo men. We both work from home and there’s no disappearing on either side.


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## Dragonfly001 (4 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> I think he is being honest. There's your truth and there's his. Basically, he's dismissive of your sexual needs. He's just not someone who wants to go to the same emotional and physical level as you. I see nothing dishonest or deceitful in that. He's thoughtful. He'd be there for you if you were on the side of the road with a broken-down car. But guess what? I have FRIENDS who come through for me when I need a shoulder to cry on or when I need a lift to get to work.
> 
> He's got his good points. In fact, I'm sure he has GREAT points. The thing is, YOU are unfulfilled.


I think the only reason I feel like he’s being dishonest is he tells me he wants what I want but I need to be doing something better or right but he can’t tell me what I’m doing wrong or how to do things right. He says I’m not actively doing anything wrong but it’s just his feelings. That time will tell. So then I allow myself to be stringed along hoping I’ll do something good enough. But I do think you are correct. In the moment he’s telling the truth. He’s just not being honest about the future.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dragonfly001 said:


> I think the only reason I feel like he’s being dishonest is he tells me he wants what I want but I need to be doing something better or right but he can’t tell me what I’m doing wrong or how to do things right. He says I’m not actively doing anything wrong but it’s just his feelings. That time will tell. So then I allow myself to be stringed along hoping I’ll do something good enough. But I do think you are correct. In the moment he’s telling the truth. He’s just not being honest about the future.


Words versus actions.


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## Dragonfly001 (4 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> You still have a physical attraction towards your husband even if he`s not feeling it at the moment. What kills it could be the atmosphere, environment and type of domestic lifestyle you are both living under.
> It’s like a flame that needs reigniting.
> You have not mentioned the ages of your children?
> Children can place a lot of strain on a marriage, whereas due to work, child care and upkeep of the household becomes a chore and everyday life seems like a duty, a mundane routine, you feel stressed out and overwhelmed wanting the zest placed back into your marriage that is not happening. You feel taken for granted and not appreciated, your husband is not doing it for you. Your husband may also feel frustrated and tries to switch himself off from the situation, this is turn makes you extend your irritations and frustrations towards your husband, it becomes a vicious circle and especially amplified during these times of Covid that places even more strain on each other.
> ...


Our kids are 8 and 14. I take care of their needs. He jumps in mostly to be fun dad which I’m okay with. He enjoys house and yard work but the bulk isn’t done by him. We both have always worked from home so we are available to each other all day during the weekdays. Our kids are pretty easy going. Financially we don’t have stress.

I do think it’s a good idea to start doing my own things. As stupid as it sounds I don’t think I can attack his male ego if he doesn’t become interested. It might hurt me just as much. Thank you for your thoughts on this. I was so worried about posting but it’s been a genuine help at seeing things from different perspectives.


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## Dragonfly001 (4 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> Words versus actions.


Agreed.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dragonfly001 said:


> Agreed.


I see this all the time people get and stay hung up on words/talk. Meaningless


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Dragonfly001 said:


> I have asked him this before and he said no. On a separate occasion I asked him to show me what porn he watched and his saved content was almost all women. The only men were when they were with a woman. No solo men. We both work from home and there’s no disappearing on either side.


OK, there is no GF or BF on his part.

Well, not well........ you spelled it out.

He is Porn waterlogged.
There is no room left in that wood for you.

He needs something, therapy(?), to break away his mind and his hand from porn images.

On that odd, fat chance, he is not obsessed with porn, than have his testosterone blood levels checked.

Or, just be done with him?


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## Dragonfly001 (4 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> OK, there is no GF or BF on his part.
> 
> Well, not well........ you spelled it out.
> 
> ...


He said he doesn’t look at porn all the time. I’m not sure what that means. But he for sure won’t give it up. He hasn’t had any levels tested. He says he has a high drive and that’s why he has to wake up and self satisfy. But after that he’s done for the day.

In the beginning of our relationship he drank a lot. From before we even got back together. He did try to blame stress, me and kids for this but I refused it because it was a problem before me. I just never knew it because he hid it. I was not to blame. One thing that’s really becoming obvious to me after this post is this was something he had going on for years before me and something else he hid. In all our conversations it’s always my fault. He can’t tell me why it’s my fault or what I can do better. He admits it’s not right but if things were better then everything else would follow. He admits he used to say all sorts of things to try and protect his drinking and excuse it away. Seeing the similarities between this and that….well I feel like an jerk not putting it together before. Maybe deep down I didn’t want to admit it. Because if it’s me then somehow I can change enough. If I can just figure out what he’s not saying. If it’s not me then I’m left feeling powerless with hard decisions all around. I feel better in a way. I feel better about thinking about what I’d enjoy doing instead of always just existing here. Everyone here has been super kind and thoughtful.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

A man's _resentment _can push his mind and hands away from his wife.
Resentment, like anything else, is habit forming.

It can sear itself into the brain.

Ask him if he resents you, do not take no, for an answer.
He needs counseling, short of divorcing.

Consider, that he could suffer from depression.
Um.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Been down this road and what I can say is this is absolutely no way to live. You have no doubt questioned what you have done wrong, if he is attracted to you and if there is anything you can do to change the situation. Since you are not getting physical touch outside of the bedroom you are trying to please him with se so you can get ome crumb of affection and you are not even getting that. Same happened in my 24 year marriage and like yourself as I got older the need for intimacy increased. One of my girlfriends suggested I have an affair rather than tear up my family and lose everything my husband I had built together as far as assets but an affair completely went against my beliefs of right and wrong. If you feel you can be happy and are comfortable with such of an arrangement it is an option. A counselor suggested I concentrate on my own interests and my friendships but that still lacks the reason for the marriage. Marriage, in my thoughts, is about enjoying eah others in whatever way that you enjoy that person in your life and that was not happening. I opted to divorce him and while I can say dating is not easy nowadays I have a much better life today than living with the every day feeling of rejection I was getting in my marriage.


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## Dragonfly001 (4 mo ago)

AVR1962 said:


> Been down this road and what I can say is this is absolutely no way to live. You have no doubt questioned what you have done wrong, if he is attracted to you and if there is anything you can do to change the situation. Since you are not getting physical touch outside of the bedroom you are trying to please him with se so you can get ome crumb of affection and you are not even getting that. Same happened in my 24 year marriage and like yourself as I got older the need for intimacy increased. One of my girlfriends suggested I have an affair rather than tear up my family and lose everything my husband I had built together as far as assets but an affair completely went against my beliefs of right and wrong. If you feel you can be happy and are comfortable with such of an arrangement it is an option. A counselor suggested I concentrate on my own interests and my friendships but that still lacks the reason for the marriage. Marriage, in my thoughts, is about enjoying eah others in whatever way that you enjoy that person in your life and that was not happening. I opted to divorce him and while I can say dating is not easy nowadays I have a much better life today than living with the every day feeling of rejection I was getting in my marriage.


You are spot on. It hasn’t helped that he blatantly says if I was just enough that he’d be more invested in me or consider making a change. But he can’t tell me what I need to be doing or not doing. In fact he says I’m not actually doing anything wrong at the moment but he always says that. So I internalize everything about myself. I’m not worth it, I don’t look like women in porn, I didn’t do something the way he would have, it’s just endless. One of the things I’ve learned from this post and others is I cannot take responsibility for his actions. I’m here, willing and able. Between these conversations I do everything to be content, happy go lucky, make the best of everything. I’m so tired of the pain and self doubt. The only time he tells me I’m pretty is if we are at a required function then he comments how other men look at me. I went out with a friend last year and a guy half my age was picking up on me, very persistent even though I told him repeatedly I was happily married. I mentioned it to my husband but said I wasn’t super flattered because he was so young. He told me it’s good I know it wasn’t because of me it was just because he was young and he would’ve hit on anyone. Things like that make my head spin. I don’t know what to make of it but I’m tired of thinking about it.
Do you have kids? Was it hard on them? How is everyone now? I honestly admire your strength to do better for yourself. I can’t even imagine dating at this point.


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

Dragonfly001 said:


> I’ve always had a healthy sex drive and the older I get the more it intensifies. Like painfully so and he knows it. Once or twice a year I bring it up but it always breaks my heart. He can’t make promises. It’s just easier this way for him. It takes more work to be with me. I’ve been really open and have been happily down to do whatever he wants. Outside sex, bj’s, anal, whatever it is and there’s a lot. Granted since having kids it’s hard for me to be on top because my hips hurt but I try. He doesn’t even have to work for it. He doesn’t touch me like I’d like which would be rough and gentle, hell anything. I don’t ask for anything because when I have it’s bothered him. It’s what he wants. Sometimes I want to figure out who I want to be in the bedroom. Someone to explore with but we can go years without. Then when it finally happens he wants it to last for hours because it’s so good but we don’t have sex regularly so I get sore. I’ve tried not saying anything hoping we can keep it going but he always disappears for months or years.
> 
> This is killing me inside. I’m petite and in good shape for my age. I’m game, ready and he knows it but it doesn’t matter. I’m at my wits end. I told him I have an itch that cannot be scratched without another active participant. He told me to just approach him but he always says he’s handled it which he does first thing every morning. I feel worthless. He’s now overweight but I don’t even care. I just want to have something there. He says he has to do this every morning. He’s up before everyone. But we have so much time during the day we could be together. I don’t get it.


Sorry to hear your situation. I can assure you that you are not alone. As a 47-year old man, this is something I hear pretty often -- "For every good looking woman, there is some man who is just tired of ****ing her". In other words, for men, sex is often about the "new" experience and that is what porn taps into/ It is hard to compete with the dopamine rush (sorry, no woman is going to be able to compete) of a "new" experience, even if it is purely imagined. 

Here are a couple of things for you to consider. I am very aware that I am being "brutally frank", but this is how I see it -- take it or leave it, it is all up to you -- 

For men, particularly with children we all come to the stark realization that only "children, dogs, and women" are loved. The only thing men can get and want after sometime is respect. If the respect is not there, things in the bedroom die. Given that you say your husband is ok in other areas, most likely you are emaciating him outside the bedroom and you are feeling the results of your emaciating-actions in the bedroom. He is most likely suffering. No man will step up and say "you are emaciating me" (because there is nothing more emaciating than to say that). Instead, try doing things differently. Consult him on every thing -- no there is nothing too trivial, even if you are planning to buy some new underwear for your kids, his opinion should triumph. He needs to feel he is helping and is leading his family. That rejuvenates the man's mind with things to consider and the porn motivation slowly but surely will fade and your sex life will bounce back. Yes, I am talking from some experience -- my ex did not dial down her "boss woman" stance and she filed for divorce after 20 years and I gladly took it -- nope, i did not even hire a lawyer for myself and laughed at my wife's lawyer in court when the layer offered to assist if I needed. 
There is nothing more emaciating than a wife who thinks she "knows it all". Your post gave me that vibe (possibly you did not mean it but that is what I walked away with). You are partners so the problem lies with you too and you make it sound as if you are so perfect. Stop lying, at least to yourself, and that may help see things in a different light in your life. 
Maybe you guys can try therapy, but that can also be hard. I know this is hard, particularly for a person who is brought up in a western culture where individual and hyper-sexualized attitude is instilled from a young age (it is even easier to discard god than our preoccupation with sex) and it is every difficult to get out of. We simply lie and say "family, children etc." to be just socially acceptable. If you really value family and children, then a good vibrator should keep you happy while you work things out (one way or the other).


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Dragonfly001 said:


> He said he doesn’t look at porn all the time. I’m not sure what that means. But he for sure won’t give it up. He hasn’t had any levels tested. He says he has a high drive and that’s why he has to wake up and self satisfy. But after that he’s done for the day.
> 
> In the beginning of our relationship he drank a lot. From before we even got back together. He did try to blame stress, me and kids for this but I refused it because it was a problem before me. I just never knew it because he hid it. I was not to blame. One thing that’s really becoming obvious to me after this post is this was something he had going on for years before me and something else he hid. In all our conversations it’s always my fault. He can’t tell me why it’s my fault or what I can do better. He admits it’s not right but if things were better then everything else would follow. He admits he used to say all sorts of things to try and protect his drinking and excuse it away. Seeing the similarities between this and that….well I feel like an jerk not putting it together before. Maybe deep down I didn’t want to admit it. Because if it’s me then somehow I can change enough. If I can just figure out what he’s not saying. If it’s not me then I’m left feeling powerless with hard decisions all around. I feel better in a way. I feel better about thinking about what I’d enjoy doing instead of always just existing here. Everyone here has been super kind and thoughtful.


1st thing in AM is when a man's T levels are highest. If he can't get in the mood later, he is full of ****, he does NOT have a high drive. Problem is he would rather just jerk off that be with his wife, he has issues.

His behavior is crap. I I were a woman in your shoes, I would not be nice. I would give him ultimatum that if he can't be man enough to have sex with his wife rather than pull on his pud, you will take it as he has approved you to subcontracted that job out to a man that can take care of business. Go file I 3 months or so.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> Sorry to hear your situation. I can assure you that you are not alone. As a 47-year old man, this is something I hear pretty often -- "For every good looking woman, there is some man who is just tired of ****ing her". In other words, for men, sex is often about the "new" experience and that is what porn taps into/ It is hard to compete with the dopamine rush (sorry, no woman is going to be able to compete) of a "new" experience, even if it is purely imagined.
> 
> Here are a couple of things for you to consider. I am very aware that I am being "brutally frank", but this is how I see it -- take it or leave it, it is all up to you --
> 
> ...


Dude... none of what you are saying here applies to OP's situation. I don't pick up anything from her being bossy or know it all. That sounds like you are projecting onto her. Also, I'm not sure you meant "emaciating". I bet you were trying to say emasculating... but even then, I don't see anything like that here. I see a woman who is hurt because she is in a dead bedroom.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> Sorry to hear your situation. I can assure you that you are not alone. As a 47-year old man, this is something I hear pretty often -- "For every good looking woman, there is some man who is just tired of ****ing her". In other words, for men, sex is often about the "new" experience and that is what porn taps into/ It is hard to compete with the dopamine rush (sorry, no woman is going to be able to compete) of a "new" experience, even if it is purely imagined.
> 
> Here are a couple of things for you to consider. I am very aware that I am being "brutally frank", but this is how I see it -- take it or leave it, it is all up to you --
> 
> ...


I have seen this but I do not think this is OP's situation. Many times women are very caring and loving, supportive, are careful with their words and men still get very offended. I do agree though once respect is lost the love disappears.


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## CcGrace (3 mo ago)

1- If you are losing yourself in this relationship, losing your joy, your self worth- it's costing you too much. 

2- it sounds like you have made your needs pretty clear and he is completely dismissing them. Is this a pattern of behavior that you have seen for a long time? In my own case this was a Hallmark of our relationship but I didn't notice so much at the time because I was so concerned about meaning him happy. My own needs were always shunted aside, but it happened because I allowed it. 

3- seriously think about what it is that YOU want out of this one life you have. If you know what you want and need, what you can live with and what you can't, you don't need to make idle threats. You will have your own boundaries and convictions. He will either choose to fit into your life or he won't. 

4- it's been said over and over again in this thread but words are cheap. Oh how I wish someone would have told me "Watch what they DO". Words are nothing if there's no action behind it. 

5- it sounds like there's a huge disconnect with you two emotionally. Possibly a vicious cycle of resentment and demands and no one wanting to look too closely because it means a big change. In the meantime though your self worth and your trust and emotions are being eroded away day by day. Find a way to bridge the gap- or find a way to save yourself. 

I'm so sorry that you have to go through all of this. I hope that things improve.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Dragonfly001 said:


> You are spot on. It hasn’t helped that he blatantly says if I was just enough that he’d be more invested in me or consider making a change. But he can’t tell me what I need to be doing or not doing. In fact he says I’m not actually doing anything wrong at the moment but he always says that. So I internalize everything about myself. I’m not worth it, I don’t look like women in porn, I didn’t do something the way he would have, it’s just endless. One of the things I’ve learned from this post and others is I cannot take responsibility for his actions. I’m here, willing and able. Between these conversations I do everything to be content, happy go lucky, make the best of everything. I’m so tired of the pain and self doubt. The only time he tells me I’m pretty is if we are at a required function then he comments how other men look at me. I went out with a friend last year and a guy half my age was picking up on me, very persistent even though I told him repeatedly I was happily married. I mentioned it to my husband but said I wasn’t super flattered because he was so young. He told me it’s good I know it wasn’t because of me it was just because he was young and he would’ve hit on anyone. Things like that make my head spin. I don’t know what to make of it but I’m tired of thinking about it.
> Do you have kids? Was it hard on them? How is everyone now? I honestly admire your strength to do better for yourself. I can’t even imagine dating at this point.


I have 3 daughters, all adults. He and I were both married previously so we each had 2 children that we brought to the marriage and had one of our own. The youngest saw what we had been through and when I informed her we were getting a divorce she told me "it is about time." My oldest daughter could not understand why I had not stayed and after 24 years she thought we should be able to work things out. I split ties with my stepsons. I think after 6 years my oldest has accepted the divorce and my youngest two have been great.


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