# urgent help!!!!!



## andrew (Nov 11, 2009)

Hi , 
1st time i've actually used or have been on one of these forums but i'm wiling to do anything. I have been married for 11 years now and have never had any major issues until now.

A few months ago i was caught being flirtaceous with my neigbour via sms. We had an agruement over it. I was pleading my case by saying the sms didnt mean anything. (which it didnt) but she saw it differently. My defense was thats my character and im an easy, mucking around kind of guy. We said what we said she said to stop it and then we moved on.

Approximately a month after that i was caught doing the same thing but this time on msn. She had been seeing all my messages without me knowing. Well thats went things got bad.


Let me state that i have NO FEELINGS at all towards this women. My wife kept telling me she had read everything we wrote and printed it up for me to show. She said i disrespected her and never took her feelings into consideration. This women (neigbour) would come over to see my wife everyday without fail while i was at work. they are both housewives. I pleaded to my wife that what i was doing or how i saw it was just harmless fun. If anything something to cure my boredom in the evening while my wife was at the gym.

Obviously she didnt buy it. Honestly speaking though thats how i saw it at the time. My wife keeps saying that i showed more attention towards the neigbour than her and never took her feelings into consideration.


This i can say is not true though. I have always loved and cherised my wife and our 7 year old boy and 3 year old girl. I have never gone out deliberately hurt my wife and never intend to do it again.


Over our 11 year marriage we have been happy. My work has honestly put a strain on things as i dislike my job (but havent changed due to financial reason) and if ive had a bad day i would come home and take it out on her. We have our usual married couples arguments but i would be the one doing the yelling and at times insulting. 

I blame this on me getting angry to easy and finding it hard to deal with situations that arise. My wife like a rock took all this in and never really made a big deal about it.


We have had in my eyes a great marriage and we both know how each of us are. My wife is terrific and would do anything i would ask, but saying that so would i. trying to cut a long story short we seeked marriage coucilling to try and deal with my wifes anger with me and see if she still feels affectionate towards me. We have been there 3 times and her anger has died down. However still doesnt feel affectionate towards me. She said she loves me but is not in love with me and thinks its best to call it quits.


I however do not want this as i love her dearly and have tried and keep trying to work it all out. I dont want to see 11 years marriage with 2 young kids all thrown away because of my stupidity. She keeps saying she doesnt feel affectionate towards me or anyone for that matter and that is last last thing on her mind. She has admitted of turning really cold towards me and keeps saying she doesnt know she could be like this.


I have let everything out on the table about us. My anger that i direct to her, the incident, my love for her , all my feelings, all my regrets but with no luck


i am doing everything i know possible to remain happily married and wish i could take back the incident but i know i cant. i love her dearly and i wish she could start feeling the same way towards me again


am i stupid in thinking that we will never work it out, she will never feel affectionate towards me or should i live in hope that she will feel differently towards me. i am that lost ,depressed and confused so ive turned to this forum...can anyone please help?


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

do you not see that although you may not have feelings for this other woman you are involved in a emotional affair with her .. why have you got her phone number anyway and why the hell didnt you stop after the first time ?


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## andrew (Nov 11, 2009)

hi thanks for the quick reply. i honestly do not know how i got her phone number... i think my wife gave it to me. Me not stopping the 1 st time i honestly can say that i didnt know and realize it was bad at the time and only did it when i was bored.Yes now i see it as being an idiot and even immature. Like i stated i never intentionally went out to hurt my wife or ruin our marriage but thought of it as harmless fun at the time.. sine its been all out in the open i see the problems i have caused and dont see it as harmelss fun anymore. What my wife has said about it is 100% correct i dont disagree but that doesnt change the fact about it all. my wife has agreed we have had a great marriage, holidays, outings, family activities i do everything i can for my family 1st then for me.Not once have i wanted to hurt her or her feelings but i did and feel so ever guilty and remorseful ...thanks


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

then you have to prove to her that you have nothing more to hide .. give her all your passwords become so transparent you have to earn your trust back . 

If you want your marriage to work you have to put in all the hard work ..it just doesnt happen by saying sorry shes already learnt that you wernt sorry enough the first time !!


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## andrew (Nov 11, 2009)

hi ,,,i have no passwords or secrets that i keep from her and never have. she knows them all. i am more than willing to do all the hard work in every way i can. sorry doesnt change anything. Any kind of suggestions of the things i should do to win her affection back.....thanks again


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## WarmFront (Nov 10, 2009)

katie jane said:


> then you have to prove to her that you have nothing more to hide .. give her all your passwords become so transparent you have to earn your trust back .


I am not so sure that becoming transparent would help the situation. She may end up abusing the trust by always snooping and then using that as ammo for something down the road. 

I would suggest to continue marriage counseling. Most importantly though, plan a weekend without the kids and the two of you go off on an adventure together. Do something you have never done before. i.e. visit an exotic beach location or take her to an event she has been wanting to see, even go fishing together (if she is into that). Focus on her needs and desires and throw yours out the window for a day or two. 

Once you two get a chance to get away for a little while, it may make it easier to forgive and move forward in your relationship. 

And please for the sake of your wife, don't start chatting up the neighbor women 'cuz your bored. Why don't you send your wife a dirty text message instead. 

Good luck!


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

id ask her out on a date , go back to basics ,get some alone time together . a weekend away maybe if finaces dont stretch that far a simple picnic show her you want to be part of her life go to counselling keep talking to each other !


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## andrew (Nov 11, 2009)

hi thanks for the reply...
i have suggest doing more things together as a couple as an e.g going to dinner but her response is no saying its only ok if we went with another couple or if we take the kids so me suggesting to go away together with her my get another no response. i have cut all ties with the neighbour and dont want anything to do with her. We have agreed to stay together in the same house but live separately. she doesnt want to work things out but said doesnt know ow she will feel later on down the track.....thanks


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## andrew (Nov 11, 2009)

i have suggested even going to the movies and fancy dinner and said would only go with another couple or with the kids so i think i have no hope in going away...but will try.ive told her about doing more things together just me and her without the stress of the kids but theres not many things shes up for......we have had 3 sessions of councilling and another tomorrow. that has helped with her anger but not with her affection.We have agreed to stay together in the same house but live separately. she doesnt want to work things out but said doesnt know how she will feel later on down the track.she also doesnt want to be pressured ...i have been trying and thinking and thinking but am running out of ideas.....thanks


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

could you write her a love letter telling her how much she means to you and how much you want to make your marriage work be honest and open


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## andrew (Nov 11, 2009)

hi thanks again but i have already done that... enjoyed the letter but still the same..


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

you have to keep telling her , she enjoyed the letter , keep writing to her leave her notes around the house telling her how much you miss her . little things really do make a big difference


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

you cant repair the damage you have done over night you have to work hard she need to see that you mean it .. she needs to see that you want her and not her friend


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## andrew (Nov 11, 2009)

thanks will try that ..had thought of it but was thinking it is a waste a time..would give anything a go really at this stage..


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## andrew (Nov 11, 2009)

as much as i want it to be repaired over night i know that wont happen. i am wiling to work very hard at it.she knows that im all for fixing the marriage and knows i cant stand her friend...
thanks


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

do things like making dinner , take the kids out so she can have time to herself , dont go crazy over the top !! just look at making her life a little more interesting and make her feel wanted .
keep talking to her tell her she looks good tell her you miss sharing her bed tell her you miss holding her x she has taken a major blow to her self confidence help build it back


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## andrew (Nov 11, 2009)

sounds good would do all those things. i have told her i miss holding her and being affectionate with her. all your suggestions sound great will try them plus more that i can think of and see how i progress..please if you can think of anything else or other helpful advice i am all ears... thanks for helping


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## WarmFront (Nov 10, 2009)

When you come home, instead of jumping all over her and trying to make her feel better, sit down with her and talk to her. You could cuddle her if she will let you and talk through what she is feeling. Don't pressure her or ask her a lot of questions. 

Just start by talking to her about what she wants out of your relationship. Let her talk and explain how she feels about it. You can learn a lot from her responses and you might gain some insight on how to move forward. 

If she doesn't want to talk about it, just hold her for a while and let her know that you are there for her. Even if you are not talking. Sometimes a touch can help heal the best. 

Just take it slow and realize that this situation may have affected her a LOT more than it affected you. This could be as bad as cheating in her eyes even though you did not cross any physical boundaries.


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## andrew (Nov 11, 2009)

hi what you have said in the last paragraph is 100
% correct as she has said it to me already. when i go to hug me she lets me but is only really doing it for my sake. we talk about our marriage but i believe she wants the easy way out of it by asking to separate rather than giving it another go. she keeps saying she doesnt feel affectionate at all and cant see how that will ever change....and that is whats killing me...thanks


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

My wife does crap like this. It's a theft issue in my opinion. Your attention towards reproductive aged females is the complete and sole property of your wife. She decently warned you the first time, but did you listen? No sir. I hate slow learners.

You don't know how you got the number? Way to "own up" to your mistakes champ. If you want to be forgiven, first you have to repent, or change your behavior. How can I forgive you if you are not sorry enough to stop the friggin behavior you've asked to be forgiven for? I can't, and neither can your wife.

Next you have to have show remorse. What have you done to demonstrate your sorry. Write a letter? Please, I'm writing a letter now...what does that mean? All the passwords in the world won't make a difference to her either, unless she senses you are legitimately sorry you hurt her. Transparency only works for jelly fish.

There are two more "R"'s associated with forgiveness, but I won't kill you with my guilt laden Catholic upbringing. Just know that some wounds take time to heal, and keep to your "A" game. Eventually she will come around, but this is indicative of a "bigger issue" with you. Investigate it in the interim. LIL


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## andrew (Nov 11, 2009)

hi yes i agree i didnt listen . i dont know why maybe i was being selfish. im pretty confident her number was given to me from my wife.i have owned up at the mistakes i have done and realised i have taken her for granted..my wife knows i am legitimately sorry and regretful for my actions. i have changed my ways since then and she believes we are getting on better now as friends than as lovers. thanks


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

it doesnt matter where you got the number Andrew what matters i s how you are going to regain your wifes affections . She is not to blame ! if she was texting your best buddie how would you feel would you want to give her a 2nd or even a 3rd chance ?


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## andrew (Nov 11, 2009)

hi..i dont blame my wife and yes im trying to regain her affection.If she was texting my buddie i would be carrying on more than what she has to me....all i want to do is fix things up and move on with our marriage....thanks


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## WarmFront (Nov 10, 2009)

There is a possibilty that this is a final straw for her. If this was an isolated incident and she is this hurt, then you might have more on the table to discuss besides how sorry you are for betraying her. 

Some women will come around and see that you made a horrible mistake, whilst other women will not. If you truly want to save what you have, you are going to need to prove to her that you are not waning in your love for her and that you truly want to make things better. 

It might be best for you both to seek marriage counseling seperately for a few weeks before you both go together. She might need someone else to talk to without a biased opinion on what happened.

If she is willing to talk with you about more than seperation then you should work on fixing you first, then the relationship. Even if you don't feel that way, she might. What I mean by fixing you is make her understand why you did it and then together work on ways to stop it from hapening again in the future. This is where the joint counseling will help. 

You are the one to blame for her emotional state and she might not feel the same with you going forward. 

Good Luck!


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

so be there for her , move at her pace , keep doing all the small stuff !! you can repair the damage you have caused, but rightly so she scared of letting you back in because of the hurt you have caused her ... 
shes holding you at arms length frighterned that is she lets you back you will hurt her again 

you need to show her you 100% want to be with her


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## andrew (Nov 11, 2009)

hi..went and saw the counciller again on thursday...we relised alot of things...so for this week we are not going to discuss our issues and let it go for a week and continue with our everday lifes...in other words im giving her space...i have changed the way i am in general but i am thinking of little ways and not so obvious to win her effection back and to show that i really love her even though she has said that she knows that.........thanks


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