# feeling guilty



## mystory (Oct 28, 2012)

for the past four months now, i've been trying to leave
my husband as from the very start of our marriage its been a disaster.

My husband has passive aggressive personality and also 
a narcissist.

I went to see a counsellor who helped me see that if i was to give my marriage one last go then i needed to forget about everything that happened in the past. I have been trying my very best to do this.

In all honesty over the past few months my husband has been trying to take more responsibility and be more pro active.

Yesterday i had an arguement with him and now i feel bad as he was upset. 

We agreed to have mushroom pie for dinner ( more like me as usual planning ahead) except he bought a handful of mushrooms when i asked him to go to the supermarket..i told him this would not be enough..he said okay we will have pizza..except there was none in the freezer.... 

I got really annoyed at his lack of interest in running a so called 'home'. it feels like he just does things for the sake of doing it and has no interest in running a household, he never bothers to looks whats in the fridge and only in the morning i had to throw away unopened food that we bought for his lunch. All day yesterday he just sits in front of the tv waiting for me to plan the day

I feel so lost, i need strength to just have zero expectations from him but sometimes i find it so hard just ignore these small things.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Not really a lot of information here. Most of your assupmtions about his being PA are based on his inability to plan meals?

Sounds best if the two of you go to couples counseling ASAP


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Has he been officially diagnosed? Living with a PA is tough... They never quite say what it is that they want to say... Life can get frustrating very quickly... Are you still seeing a counselor? How about your husband?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Tough to feel like you have a partner when your spouse wants you to be his mommy and organize his day, write out his chore list, tell him what to wear as you make all the plans. My marriage was just like this and I hated it!!!!

First, you have to recognize the times when your expectations for the finished product are shutting him down. For instance you want him to make plans instead of you having to initiate activities. Tell him you want him to plan something for next weekend. You could say you'd like it to be fun or romantic or something new... But that's all the info he gets. Then you have to react positively to his attempts. Same goes for meal. 

Household chores...well that's a whole other issue. You have expectations of how you want the house to look and he does too. It's just that you can't live with his expectations because he probably doesn't expect or desire that the house be a certain way with a certain amount of frequency. 

When my kids were little, Saturday was chore day and I'd write them each a list of their chores. I expected my H would figure out what needed to be done and pitch in on his own and even told him as much. So... He'd go out and wash the cars! Today we laugh about that but back then I would get hopping mad! It takes time and good communication to work these things out. Most husbands don't want to piss off their wives and would prefer to make her happy, they just don't see how loading the dishwasher without being asked is that important to making a wife happy.


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## mystory (Oct 28, 2012)

Thanks Anon ...thats seem like a good way of dealing with
'initiation' without feeling like his mum!.

my story is long and exhausting...my husband is a passive aggressive..he never talks about emotions..when i try to talk to him and ask if he is unhappy..he says hes fine and yet hes always quiet and sad.

I want to have children but my husband never talk about it..but now seems happy to go through the mechanics

in the first 18 months of our marriage he withheld sex from me 
and womanised. (he still flirts with women at work despite him knowing i dont like it)

Most of the times it feels like a constant battle rather then a partnership and i do often wonder whether he does small things delibertaely just to create an arguement.

Nonethless i have comitted to giving it another try so am trying to forget the past (although its hard)

God help me


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

mystory said:


> Thanks Anon ...thats seem like a good way of dealing with
> 'initiation' without feeling like his mum!.
> 
> my story is long and exhausting...my husband is a passive aggressive..he never talks about emotions..when i try to talk to him and ask if he is unhappy..he says hes fine and yet hes always quiet and sad.
> ...


Well, yes getting rid of past resentments is important to moving forward. Withholding sex from you while flirting with other women.. That's concerning.

It sounds like you two are kind of stuck in this awful pattern of deflection and blame. Communication with someone who doesn't open up about their feelings is very hard :banghead:

A person who shuts down is a person who really needs help in learning to express themselves. He needs to understand that if he doesn't tell you what's on his mind you are guessing and probably guessing wrong. It's been a very long road for us. I've got him able to express himself now, but only if I prompt it. He actually is very laid back so he typically doesn't really care one way or the other. Which drives me nuts!

I found a lot of good info and help from this web site:
Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice

I printed stuff out for him and I've sent him links and Ive also asked him to send me stuff he wants me to read... Of course this last part hasn't happened... Yet.

It might also be good if you could get him into individual therapy. Not marriage counseling but therapy so he can learn to A. Identify what it is he is feeling. B. have those feelings validated. C. Communicate that to you.

Ive been married for 28 years, almost left twice, threw him out once, and we are really making excellent progress and I am happy. At the moment, if I had to make the choice about who to marry all over again, I would choose him. Last year... Probably not.


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## elizabethdennis (Jan 16, 2013)

I think your husband should also see a counselor. It takes two to make marriage work.


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

mystory said:


> for the past four months now, i've been trying to leave
> my husband as from the very start of our marriage its been a disaster.
> 
> My husband has passive aggressive personality and also
> ...


What is mushroom pie?


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