# I want to break the cycle.



## Liberty (Jan 24, 2014)

I don’t want to be LD anymore. In the beginning of our marriage we were both HD and he was the more experienced partner. Vanilla sex was good with me but he wanted more. As we started experimenting and enjoying ourselves I felt embarrassed, humiliated and ashamed because I enjoyed these acts. He might bring up our activities the next day reminding me or teasing me about it and it made me feel bad about myself and like he’s rubbing it in my face. I know that’s my hang up and not his; I guess you could say I am a prude when it comes to sex. I did let him know how it made me feel but it still continued. I felt like he was intentionally trying to embarrass and humiliate me which made me angry and I started to ‘punish’ him by rejecting him and withdrawing. I tried to make myself less desirable to him as well, but I didn’t realize it until recently. I rarely wore makeup, put my hair in a pony tail and gained weight. We were still having sex 1-2 times a week and I was doing it out of duty rather than desire. Sex became a chore and I could have cared less if I ever had sex again. He retaliated by not taking the time to fulfill my needs, so in turn his needs weren’t important to me. As life continued and our family grew he was the low man on the totem pole. This went on for way too many years and I’m sad that I did this to my husband and to our relationship but I didn’t know how to change it. 

About a year and a half ago I stumbled across an article that said you should put your husband’s needs first instead of your kids, the kids will be ok. The article continued to say when you take care of his needs he will take care of yours. I started putting him first. I couldn’t believe the changes in him. He became much more affectionate and attentive towards me and my sex drive was getting better and I started losing weight. Here is where my problem is, he still doesn’t really listen to me about sex. He still likes to tease me about my enjoyment which he knows bothers me. I am seeing my old feelings creep up like anger, resentment and wanting to withholding sex. That was a vicious, unhealthy cycle and I don’t want to get on that merry go round again. I’m certain the many years of me rejecting him play a part of him not listening to me. He hears what I’m saying but it isn’t registering. I withheld affection from him for so long that when we are intimate I think he’s afraid I’ll take it away, like taking candy from a baby. I think he is hearing it as an excuse not to have sex, like I have a ‘headache’? I don’t think his doing it on purpose but all the years of crappy sex has made him numb?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

So the problem now is that he wants to talk about things you don't want to talk about? He wants to talk about you enjoying sex and you enjoying some kinkier things and that embarrasses you? But now, during sex, you say he is too rough and when you tell him he doesn't stop?

Sounds like you two have a very unhealthy communication dynamic!

What are some of the things he will say, later on, that makes you feel embarrassed and how do you respond when he says those things?


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## Liberty (Jan 24, 2014)

We can talk and do talk about everything and anything else without a problem except I don't like to talk about what I enjoy(ed) during or after sex, it embarrasses me. I know that is my issue as far as communication goes because he does want to talk about and is something I have to work on. It doesn't bother me when he tells me what he likes sexually. I spent too many years telling him to hurry up and get it over with instead of being loving and affectionate towards him that I don't want him to feel that I'm rejecting or critiquing him. I want to talk to him about my needs without hurting him or making him feel unwanted.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Liberty said:


> We can talk and do talk about everything and anything else without a problem except I don't like to talk about what I enjoy(ed) during or after sex, it embarrasses me. I know that is my issue as far as communication goes because he does want to talk about and is something I have to work on. It doesn't bother me when he tells me what he likes sexually. I spent too many years telling him to hurry up and get it over with instead of being loving and affectionate towards him that I don't want him to feel that I'm rejecting or critiquing him. I want to talk to him about my needs without hurting him or making him feel unwanted.


Well now this is a different take on the communication problem than your first post.

So are you saying that when he is too rough, you give body language cues that he doesn't pick up on. And you do this because you don't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel clumsy or inadequate? 

I think you've done a wonderful thing for your marriage in finding your sexuality. But how will your sex life get better if you don't communicate? Assuming that is the problem ....


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## Liberty (Jan 24, 2014)

Yes. I've read so much on here about how deeply it hurts the HD spouse to have a LD spouse. It has caused me to stop and really look at our marriage and the damage my LD did to him and I can see now that through this all, all my husband wanted to do was to make me happy. I don't want to cause him to feel inadequate or hurt his feelings. I don't want to take any chances on undoing any of the progress, I guess that's why I gave so much background information. I used to be HD and I want that back for both of us. He is more affectionate and attentive now than he was during our first few years of marriage. I'm in love the man and I want to be the wife he wants. If it's better to not voice my dislikes (for a little while) I'm ready to keep them to myself. I am so appreciative that he stood by me and for what we have now. I don't want to jeopardize it.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Kudos to you for wanting to change!! That's huge! Be happy with baby steps, keep reading books about marriage and male sexuality. It will take time for your DH to really see the new you. I was LD for the first 7 yrs of our marriage. I had become a very insecure mom of three. I was a SAHM who was very scared that DH would leave or fall out of love with me. My jealous fits and arguing were hurting my marriage. I finally decided to become the type of wife that he WANTED to come home too. I decided to change myself. I lost a lot of weight, grew out my hair and started to read A LOT about marriage and male sexuality. I changed my thinking. I told my DH I would never refuse him in bed. I embraced my own beauty and femininity...with all it's flaws after childbirth...LOL.

It took about 2 years for DH to really start to open up. I can not tell you how proud I am of myself. My marriage is so strong now. The funny thing is after I changed myself, DH became very loving also and started to change some of his unloving acts towards me..

Change begins with one.....Blessings to you...be patient he will come around.....

Keep up the good work and share your newfound knowledge with another LD wife....


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Liberty, it would be helpful if you could answer my questions.

I get that you used to be LD and feel bad about the damage done to your marriage. I get that you are still uncomfortable talking about sex. But you came here with a problem and I'm still not sure what it is?


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## Liberty (Jan 24, 2014)

Your questions have made me think and they made me realize the communication aspect is me and I can fix that. 

My concern and reason for the post is how can I make him feel secure? He does ask me if I'm cheating as has asked me that for years but I've always been faithful. I would of thought being more attentive to him would of made him feel secure but obviously not. What can I do to make him feel he is wanted, needed and loved? How can I make him want to open up to me more? What can I do to reassure him I'm not having sex to get something, I'm doing it because I want, love and desire him. How do I make him feel more confident in himself? Being rejected all the time understandably harmed his self esteem. 

For those that had a LD spouse and the spouse changed what helped the HD spouse let down their guard?


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I think it takes time......time to trust and actually see the former LD to HD spouse prove to their spouse through new actions and behaviors that they are a new person......that's the beauty in marriage I think. We are married for a lifetime....growing and changing for the better good!


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> So the problem now is that he wants to talk about things you don't want to talk about? He wants to talk about you enjoying sex and you enjoying some kinkier things and that embarrasses you? *But now, during sex, you say he is too rough and when you tell him he doesn't stop?*
> 
> Sounds like you two have a very unhealthy communication dynamic!
> 
> What are some of the things he will say, later on, that makes you feel embarrassed and how do you respond when he says those things?


I don't think the OP is referring to her husband being too rough physically. Basically, she's trying to figure out how to not let her resentments build up to the point where she starts withholding sex again. She loses her sex drive because her husband tries to get her to talk about the sex they had after they are finished.

OP, you need to tell your husband how his insistence of talking about the kinky sex acts kills your mood and builds resentment in you because you feel dirty.

You in turn need to give your husband affirmation that he does in fact makes you feel good during sex. I think he talks about it so much because he wants to hear from you that he rocks your world.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Liberty said:


> I don’t want to be LD anymore. In the beginning of our marriage we were both HD and he was the more experienced partner. Vanilla sex was good with me but he wanted more. As we started experimenting and enjoying ourselves I felt embarrassed, humiliated and ashamed because I enjoyed these acts. He might bring up our activities the next day reminding me or teasing me about it and it made me feel bad about myself and like he’s rubbing it in my face. I know that’s my hang up and not his; I guess you could say I am a prude when it comes to sex. I did let him know how it made me feel but it still continued. I felt like he was intentionally trying to embarrass and humiliate me which made me angry and I started to ‘punish’ him by rejecting him and withdrawing. I tried to make myself less desirable to him as well, but I didn’t realize it until recently. I rarely wore makeup, put my hair in a pony tail and gained weight. We were still having sex 1-2 times a week and I was doing it out of duty rather than desire. Sex became a chore and I could have cared less if I ever had sex again. He retaliated by not taking the time to fulfill my needs, so in turn his needs weren’t important to me. As life continued and our family grew he was the low man on the totem pole. This went on for way too many years and I’m sad that I did this to my husband and to our relationship but I didn’t know how to change it.
> 
> About a year and a half ago I stumbled across an article that said you should put your husband’s needs first instead of your kids, the kids will be ok. The article continued to say when you take care of his needs he will take care of yours. I started putting him first. I couldn’t believe the changes in him. He became much more affectionate and attentive towards me and my sex drive was getting better and I started losing weight. Here is where my problem is, he still doesn’t really listen to me about sex. He still likes to tease me about my enjoyment which he knows bothers me. I am seeing my old feelings creep up like anger, resentment and wanting to withholding sex. That was a vicious, unhealthy cycle and I don’t want to get on that merry go round again. I’m certain the many years of me rejecting him play a part of him not listening to me. He hears what I’m saying but it isn’t registering. I withheld affection from him for so long that when we are intimate I think he’s afraid I’ll take it away, like taking candy from a baby.  I think he is hearing it as an excuse not to have sex, like I have a ‘headache’? I don’t think his doing it on purpose but all the years of crappy sex has made him numb?



This is your hubby that you love and are married to.

Any sex you two have together is fine and its nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing wrong at all.

Something to think about. You were dating your hubby to be and had great sex. Then you got married and had kids and the sex dropped off, LD issues and your hubby is now sexually starved and his love languages isn't being met anymore. Not good. Just because you get married and chose to have kids, doesn't mean you let the sex life slide, ever. Then why did you get married and have kids in the first place?

Us men have higher sex drives because we are made that way. Women know this and still play cruel LD games on us. Not good.

If you take away the sex for him and you both, you take away what got you both together, in love and married in the first place.

- Man and woman meet, date and have lots of great sex.
- They get married and the sex starts to slide on her part.
- They have kids, and the sex really drops off.
- Hubby initiates and gets rejected over the many years.
- Hubby tries and nothing changes her mind
- Hubby gets angry and resentful and no longer takes care of her needs because she stopped taking care of his need first.
- Now wifee wonders why hubby isn't taking care of her needs and blames him, when it was her LD in the first place starting all of this.


Take care of your man, his sexual needs, and he will go out of his way to take care of your needs.

Don't take care of his sexual needs, your needs will not be taken care of.

Simple.


Marriage is 50 / 50 and you are to take care of each others needs as your own. You are not your own anymore.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Liberty said:


> He still likes to tease me about my enjoyment which he knows bothers me.


How certain are you that he's actually "teasing"? Could it be that he's simply trying to let you know (albeit perhaps poorly) that HE ENJOYS your enjoyment?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I don't think the OP is referring to her husband being too rough physically. Basically, she's trying to figure out how to not let her resentments build up to the point where she starts withholding sex again. She loses her sex drive because her husband tries to get her to talk about the sex they had after they are finished.
> 
> OP, you need to tell your husband how his insistence of talking about the kinky sex acts kills your mood and builds resentment in you because you feel dirty.
> 
> You in turn need to give your husband affirmation that he does in fact makes you feel good during sex. I think he talks about it so much because he wants to hear from you that he rocks your world.


Thanks. I reread all the OP posts and cannot figure out where or how I came to read "too rough" into her posts.:scratchhead:

Liberty, you could try telling your husband to ask you yes or no questions to which you can shake your head or nod for the answer.

If you desire an excellent sex life, you must realize, and I do understand how hard it is, that you have to communicate much better about what you want and like. Your husband loves you and wants to please you in bed. He wants to rock your world but he can't do that without your help.

You could write to him and tell him the thing you like.
You could nod or shake as I suggested already.
You could move his hand to where you want it.

Start forcing yourself to communicate. I promise you it's gets easier the more you do it.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

My guess is that you are not effectively communicating to your husband.

Write this for him:

If you want us to have great sex life...
Do not make me feel embarrassed about me enjoying sex.

Do not tease me about it the next day, do not remark on my reaction to some particular thing we did, etc..

Sorry but even though I like the things we do I am self-conscious about it because that is the way I was raised. 

You can tell me what you liked. 

-and so forth and so on.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

My hubby usedd to do the shaming on the day after, it was his way of claiming "ownership" of me. Kind of like, I did what no other man did to you. But,little do they know that this causes the LD, because it says that you are no more than a noch on their belt, a trophy vagina. That is what degrades you.

In other words, own what you feel and tell him.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

techmom said:


> My hubby usedd to do the shaming on the day after, it was his way of claiming "ownership" of me. Kind of like, I did what no other man did to you. But,little do they know that this causes the LD, because it says that you are no more than a noch on their belt, a trophy vagina. That is what degrades you.
> 
> In other words, own what you feel and tell him.


I'm sorry techmom but this is nothing more than a sexual hang up. A man doesn't marry and have children with the closest decent vagina! A woman doesn't marry and have children with the best penis she can find.

Embracing your sexual self will help you throw out these angry, false and misleading opinions and maybe help you to save your marriage.

I think with some LD women, it's pure stubbornness. It's become such a power struggle the stubborn LD won't even try to let go of the bull sh!t assertions they were raised with, or learned along the way.

Your husband loves you and he wants you and he wants you to want him. Tell him how he can make you want him again. But not being needy but by insisting you take a look at yourself and why you've forced him to throw away a good portion of his life waiting for his wife to want him. That is beyond sad, and more than a little mean. You won't even try.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I think when a man keeps commenting the next day (i.e. You loved when I xyz didn't you) he's not taunting or shaming. She's fishing for affirmation, reassurance, confidence.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

I want to be loved for more than what my sexuality can offer a person. When he married me he said that he married me for my virginity. After all of the other "used" women he wanted someone pure. Someone just for him. I fell in love because he was very loving, he did not sweat the small stuff. He went very slow with the sex, at first. After marriage he let his freak flag fly. Except, I was not down with the program. I kept wondering, is this all their is? When I showed less enthusiasm than he did, he accused me of not loving him as much as he loved me.

Call it what you want, you have not lived what I did.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I think when a man keeps commenting the next day (i.e. You loved when I xyz didn't you) he's not taunting or shaming. She's fishing for affirmation, reassurance, confidence.


How much reassurance do men need in their sexuality. After a lifetime, you still need this, really? I do not understand this. I need reassurance of feeling safe and loved. That does not come through in these "post game analysis" sessions though.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

techmom said:


> I want to be loved for more than what my sexuality can offer a person. When he married me he said that he married me for my virginity. After all of the other "used" women he wanted someone pure. Someone just for him. I fell in love because he was very loving, he did not sweat the small stuff. He went very slow with the sex, at first. After marriage he let his freak flag fly. Except, I was not down with the program. I kept wondering, is this all their is? When I showed less enthusiasm than he did, he accused me of not loving him as much as he loved me.
> 
> Call it what you want, you have not lived what I did.


Sounds like you have (or used to have?) a similar situation to the OP - a lack of meaningful communication between you and your husband. 

I don't know if this is "alpha" or not (I don't care if it is or isn't) but between my wife and I, I will ask her how it went after we are done with making love whenever we either tried something new or if I didn't get the sense that she had a good time sexually. I don't beat around the bush and get straight to the point. I believe the OP's H is obliquely asking for feedback instead of being direct. I'm direct when I talk to my wife and she is with me. It doesn't mean we are rude to each other. We try to be tactful, but also clear when we communicate.


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## Liberty (Jan 24, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Basically, she's trying to figure out how to not let her resentments build up to the point where she starts withholding sex again. She loses her sex drive because her husband tries to get her to talk about the sex they had after they are finished.
> 
> You in turn need to give your husband affirmation that he does in fact makes you feel good during sex. I think he talks about it so much because he wants to hear from you that he rocks your world.


Exactly, and I want to tell him in a way that won't come across as mean and cause him to withhold his affections. I hope by letting him know he rocks my world that would not only increase his self esteem but he would also be more attentive to my needs.



usmarriedguy said:


> Do not make me feel embarrassed about me enjoying sex.
> 
> Do not tease me about it the next day, do not remark on my reaction to some particular thing we did, etc..
> 
> ...


I feel when using the wording 'do not do this or that' is honest and straight to the point but I would feel like it's demand and could put him on the offense so I'm going to mull it around to come up with something that will not make waves.



techmom said:


> My hubby usedd to do the shaming on the day after, it was his way of claiming "ownership" of me. Kind of like, I did what no other man did to you. But,little do they know that this causes the LD, because it says that you are no more than a noch on their belt, a trophy vagina. That is what degrades you.
> 
> In other words, own what you feel and tell him.


I'm sorry you went through that and it would make me feel like he is just using me for bragging rights. That is definitely a turn off and can contribute to LD.



Anon Pink said:


> Embracing your sexual self will help you throw out these angry, false and misleading opinions and maybe help you to save your marriage.
> 
> I think with some LD women, it's pure stubbornness. It's become such a power struggle the stubborn LD won't even try to let go of the bull sh!t assertions they were raised with, or learned along the way.
> 
> Your husband loves you and he wants you and he wants you to want him. Tell him how he can make you want him again. But not being needy but by insisting you take a look at yourself and why you've forced him to throw away a good portion of his life waiting for his wife to want him. That is beyond sad, and more than a little mean. You won't even try.


I can see this in myself. I know I need to let go of the assertions I was raised with, my own insecurities and let the woman I want to be out.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

"I feel when using the wording 'do not do this or that' is honest and straight to the point but I would feel like it's demand and could put him on the offense so I'm going to mull it around to come up with something that will not make waves."


Maybe so. My feeling is that guys are much more used to straight talk and we do not flower it up when we talk to each other to spare our feelings. Consequently, we also tend to be pretty dense about taking hints. And as mentioned in another thread -no normal guy wants to be buzz kill. 

I do agree that his intention is not to belittle you. it is to affirm what you are liking.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

techmom said:


> I want to be loved for more than what my sexuality can offer a person. When he married me he said that he married me for my virginity. After all of the other "used" women he wanted someone pure. Someone just for him. I fell in love because he was very loving, he did not sweat the small stuff. He went very slow with the sex, at first. After marriage he let his freak flag fly. Except, I was not down with the program. I kept wondering, is this all their is? When I showed less enthusiasm than he did, he accused me of not loving him as much as he loved me.
> 
> Call it what you want, you have not lived what I did.


If you're suggesting that your husband only wanted to marry you because you were a cirgin, that he had no real love for you...

You have also said that you never felt like the sex you did give was good enough, even when you were into it? So you always felt judged and deemed unworthy? Does you husband know that? That would most certainly be a complete turn off for anyone, man or woman!

It seems like your whole marriage is a false one. I'm sorry this has been your experience.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Good for you, OP. You are willing to learn and grow and look to your own behavior to affect change. It's a powerful thing to do what you did: celebrate it. Owning your sexuality and giving it as a gift is so much more powerful than locking it away and using it as an incentive or a deterrent. 

You did it once: you can do it again. Learn and grow. Don't lock any part of your sexual self up. Find a way to work through and past your inhibitions, and you will likely see even more positive changes in your relationship with your husband. 

Men need and want to hear that the women they love are full of desire, and that that desire has been fulfilled by them. His intent is not to shame you. He wants to know he's fulfilling your desire--it MATTERS to him very, very much. You might not "get" this, you might not see what the big deal is. That's okay, all you have to know is that IT MATTERS TO HIM.

Give him this gift, too. Free yourself of the resentment, find a way to make this about joyously giving. Not for his sake, but for yours. Resentment is a cage; it can do you no good. But think of the POWER you have over your husband's pleasure, if only you can bring your negative emotions to heel. Right now you feel that he has the power--the power to embarrass you, to make you ashamed. YOU gave him that power. TAKE it back. Grow, learn, improve, be strong: and then share it willingly. The gift will come back to you tenfold. 

One more thing: I think your impulse to carefully choose words in giving him feedback is wise. Men might be "dense at taking hints" as usmarriedguy points out, but I think when it comes to their sexual performance, they listen, very, very carefully. Maybe too carefully . . . and they can over think what they hear. Maybe even hear things you didn't exactly say.


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