# Help! Husband obsessed with swinging



## Butterflywings72 (Aug 15, 2013)

Hi All,

Really need some advice. I have been with my partner for the past 7 years. He is 16 years older than me (I'm 41). When we first got together we had a fantastic sex life. After a couple of years he started to talk about trying swinging. I am extremely broadminded but was a little unsure. After months of him asking I finally agreed. We had 1 'swinging' session with another guy, it was ok, didnt really do much for me but decided to give it another go. After the 2nd session, again with another man, I felt it really wasnt something that I wanted to be part of again and told partner this. He was very disappointed as he loved it. Since then our sex life has dwindled to almost nothing, I practically have to beg him to touch me, we haven't even kissed for the past 2 1/2 years. He comes up with the most banal excuses not to have sex. He tells me I'm unattractive and fat (I am a big girl but still the same size as when we met). He goes on and on about trying swinging again, which I dont want to do. I recently discovered that he has joined several swinging sites online. His profiles advertise as a couple, he uses my name on the sites and he then chats and messages other guys and pretends to be me! I really can't see what he gets out of this. When I say to him I'm not happy about this, he says he will close the profile, which he does, then 2 days later he places a new profile online. After trying again last night to initiate sex with him (excuse was 'I can't, I've got hiccups' !!!) he then said he might be interested in having more sex with me if I would go swinging again!!!! 

Help!! I can't live the rest of my life celebate but I also dont want to live it with constant pressure about swinging!!!


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

You might want to leave him. You need to find someone more compatible with you, and he needs to do the same. As simple as that. Moreover, he doesn't respect you. Why do you want to stay with him anyway? Why is he such a 'catch'?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I don't understand swinging the way you defined it. If your husband is looking to invite another man into the bedroom and not a couple, he is looking for a threesome, not swinging... At least the way I understand swinging.

Was the other man for you to engage with, or for him to engage with? If you are a woman, and the other man was for you to engage with, did he focus on also engaging with you or was he watching? If he was watching, then it was a hot wife scenario which pushes a voyieristic/sharing fetish. If he engaged with other man too, then he is trying out a bi curious situation.

I only mention the bi curious situation because, IMO, that adds a difficult to deal with complication that he may be more homosexual than heterosexual, which is something that isn't really solvable. If your husband is gay, there isn't much you can do about it because turning off that part of himself will be very painful.

Which do you think it is?


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Butterfly,

Dump this guy and get yourself somebody with normal sexual function. This will not end well. People who engage in this sort of sexual boundary pushing behavior often expose their partners to potentially life threatening diseases. Plenty of guys out there are willing to be perfectly content with only your vagina. Dump him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Never let anyone talk you into something you are uncomfortable with, as you see here nothing good came out of it. If you are not enough for him, he doesn't deserve you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

2.0 years - GREAT relationship
2.5 years - dwindling sex life 'cuz you didn't want to swing
2.5 years - sexless relationship
7.0 years - TOTAL

The math would indicate that you've been in this relationship about 5 years too long already! Over 70% of the time, this relationship has been sexually (and emotionally, I would guess) unfulfilling for YOU.

Why are you still with your partner? Fear of the unknown? Fear of being alone? Finances? 

You each need to find a partner who is compatible considerably more than 30% of the time! And you need to find a man who respects you enough to (a) quit pressuring you and (b) quit posting fake profiles of YOU online! He's being a doosh.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

He wouldnt marry you.
He won't have sex with you.
HE's obsesssed with swinging.
He calls you fat.
I think you should move on at this point.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It sounds like he has a cuckold fetish, so is pressuring you into sex with other men. Does he get excited and want to have sex with you during or after the experiences you had with it, and not much otherwise? If so, he needs this to get turned on for a while, but if this doesn't work for you and isn't something you want - and given the way he treats you otherwise, why would you?

I'd just say you've got very incompatible sexual needs and along with the way he treats you (lack of kindness and respect), this isn't going to work.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Maybe just have him keep finding you boyfriends until you find one you really like. Then dump him and go with the new guy. 

Isn't this what happens with most 'swinging' anyhow?

Probably not great advice as I am sure the guys he finds for you wouldn't be of the best character. 

Seriously, you need to get away from this guy.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Maybe he just likes watching you have sex. You haven't said if he just watches or does he participate too. 

I don't know. When you get in to something like swinging, IMO the only way it's going to work is if both parties fully agree. If there's hesitation on one of the spouse's part, then problems are going to happen. 

Bottom line is this. You tried it twice and didn't enjoy it. If this is not your thing then you let him know that there will be no more. No one should have to be forced into a sexual situation under any conditions. It's a flat out lack of respect and being his wife, you deserve to be treated in a far better way. I was told that when a girl say's no. It means no. You don't have to be a genius to figure that out


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Girl, get out of that relationship.


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## bbird1 (May 22, 2011)

I'd say if his deal is he likes watching you have sex. Maybe video tape it and let him watch himself have sex with you?

Maybe councelling? is he religious? If so maybe a pastor or whatever. If you want to save it stand your ground and figure a way both can be happy with the results if possible. But do not under any condition shrink from your moral compass.

You can put your foot down say no and serve his ass the divorce papers. Tell him if he continues to pressure or acts on any objectioanble fantasy you will execute the papers immediately. Maybe he will back off.

I would seriously consider getting out of the relationship myself.


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## jen53 (Apr 26, 2013)

my OH wanted me to have sex with another man and to serve us- I thought seriously about it to try to please him..but deep down it isn't my morals, I am not a prude, willing to try anything with OH-but not degrading myself - he seems also to withhold sex in the hope I would agree to his fantasies, he never instigates, and I cannot, I associate sex with betrayal, and feel worthless asking for sex now, my body seems to have shut that side down due to constant rejection over years..and yup, banal excuses, bedroom untidy, wait till Wednesday..all sorts the constant anticipation and need and then the stopping after the initial teasing, flirting ,made me feel like I was begging - not desired - he may have thought if I was desperate enough I would play his fantasy for real, in fact it has stopped me wanting to have sex as it will be so painful emotionally for me


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

This is like being in a fire, where you see flames just starting to lick through the floorboards. Downstairs it is ten thousand degrees and incinerating solid steel. The floor is about to collapse and you have time to escape out the window if you have a sense of self-preservation.


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## juliaabna (Aug 18, 2013)

Dump this guy and get yourself somebody with normal sexual function.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Like others, I think this is abnormal and he is trying to take advantage of your insecurity to have you do something you find tasteful and which is morally wrong by most standards. I would suggest counseling and you need to firmly explain to him you will not be doing this. If he wants to work on a marriage with just you, discuss that and if not, explain that you two need to split.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I was involved with this many years ago with a past gf of mine before I met my soon-to-be-ex-wife. At first our sex life was great, then we encountered some problems and my attraction to her dwindled. Soon after I pressured her into group sex, both MMF and MFF. After that, normal sex with her no longer did anything for me, I needed an extra party for the play. She was 10x hotter when getting fked by someone else and I had a free ticket to fk whoever I want as long as she was there and I was happy as it meant I got two women to pleasure me.

However I was unable to see her as anything more. My emotions for her became non-existant and I began an emotional affair - with ironically my soon-to-be-ex-wife. Soon after we broke up, and after a while I hooked up with STBXW and etc etc...

This is first hand experience from the man's side, and I wouldn't be surprised if your husband is going through the same thing. So that's already one reason for you to start looking for other options if your man isn't willing to change.

Another reason for you to divorce however, and which I believe is a BIG reason - is this:


> I recently discovered that he has joined several swinging sites online. His profiles advertise as a couple, he uses my name on the sites and he then chats and messages other guys and pretends to be me! I really can't see what he gets out of this. When I say to him I'm not happy about this, he says he will close the profile, which he does, then 2 days later he places a new profile online.


Look, this is just NOT ON. Hell do you guys have photos taken together? Nude ones? Sex vids? I wouldn't be surprised if he posted them online either. This is blatant disrespect to you and quite frankly should be a dealbreaker. My STBXW may have been many things but one thing she did do right was to never indulge my group sex fantasies like my ex. Obviously she had the advantage of witnessing the whole thing as my friend on the sidelines for a year however.


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## bbird1 (May 22, 2011)

jen53 said:


> my OH wanted me to have sex with another man and to serve us- I thought seriously about it to try to please him..*but deep down it isn't my morals,* I am not a prude, willing to try anything with OH-but not degrading myself - *he seems also to withhold sex in the hope I would agree to his fantasies*, he never instigates, and I cannot, I associate sex with betrayal, and *feel worthless asking for sex* now, my body seems to have shut that side down due to constant rejection over years..and yup, banal excuses, bedroom untidy, wait till Wednesday..all sorts the constant anticipation and need and then the stopping after the initial teasing, flirting ,*made me feel like I was begging - not desired* - he may have thought if I was desperate enough I would play his fantasy for real, in *fact it has stopped me wanting to have sex* as it will be so painful emotionally for me


1) Stick to YOUR morals and never ever compromise them.
2) Willing to try anything then buy a toy and masterbate so your needs are meet and his aren't If he wants to be without sex so be it.
3) The don't ask TAKE. You are married and one of the promises was to be sure to care for your needs. You are owed this in your marriage. (God I am glad my wife when she wants it she just asks or takes. She knows as a man I want it all the dam time. After 20+ years of marriage I still want it 3 or 4 times a day.)
4) LADIES if he makes you feel worthless he is NOT A MAN! A man will lift you up and make you feel like a woman, feel important and make you see you are loved and cherished.
5) Men pay attention to this she no longer wants sex because of his pressures. Be sure NOT to make your wife feel this way ever. BE A MAN and make her the first and most important thing in your life next to god and the kids. My wife knows sometimes kids are the best birth control but she also know her husband wants her and desires her every moment of every day. We have at times gone longer than either of us wanted but it was never by choice or lack of effort. Sometimes the world gets in the way like 22 months deployed to Iraq while we were young. But she know not a day passed that being able to hold her, touch her was all I thought about and is what brought me home safe.

Make your wife the single most important thing in your life next to god and your children. NOTHING should ever come before her.

My kids grew up with the same two rules that anyone who visits my home will observe. Please not the very first rule.

ONE: *That is my wife respect her of leave NOW!*
TWO: Do not drive to my house drunk, nor attempt to drive away drunk and do not bring drugs into MY home. I will call the police and you WILL go to jail.

Notice rule ONE? Notice the words RESPECT. Which means many things. Respect her wishes, her rules, the fact that she is the boss in the house. Her word is final, the kids, my parents, her parents, our friends ALL know this to be true. You want us to come visit call my wife because if you call me my answer is I don't know what we have planned call my wife and check. I have dumped so called friends over rule one. If you can not respect me enough to respect my wife then you are no friend.

Respect: A word synonymous with acknowledgment, recognition, and consideration. Acknowledge she is important to me and by very definition she should be important to you as my friend. Recognize her authority in the house and abide by her wises while in her house. Consider you are a guest here and that status can be revoked.


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

He is probably meeting with swingers and having
Sex. If he's on swing life style they have a box
To certify partners and describe your experiences 
With them. I also thought my hubby was
Just curious until I found that box.

My advice is too not tell him you know when he
Creates a new profile. Then just watch the profile for a few months.
Check text messages as well. Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wanttoknowstuff (May 27, 2015)

Thank goodness, I am having this problem also. My BF is obsessed with swinging. Sex is great, but he can't just be with me. He wants several guys, or couples, it doesn't matter. It was exciting at first, from guys to couples. I liked it but he talks about it constantly and obsesses. Tells me to "keep up with my girls". We are 6 months relationship now and have had a couple fights. I am very sexual and don't mind it, it is a turn on, but I can not tolerate the obsession. I think he is also cheating, but I can not prove it yet. Why would a guy want to meet a normal woman on a normal date site and then want to f.ck other women? I don't get this. Like I said, it is all the time with him. Glad to know it is not just me who is dealing with this crap from a man.


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## violet37 (Apr 8, 2014)

SadSamIAm said:


> Maybe just have him keep finding you boyfriends until you find one you really like. Then dump him and go with the new guy.
> 
> Isn't this what happens with most 'swinging' anyhow?
> 
> ...


I must confess, I nearly spat soda all over my laptop when I read this!  It happens a lot more often than the "swinging community" cares to admit! Swinging opens doors that just shouldn't be opened, and at best, will bring highly questionable people into your lives. There are a few that seem to be able to hold onto their marriages and do it, don't let those few give you rose colored glasses. I won't sugar coat it. While you have a shred of self-esteem left, haul a$$ outta there, OP!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Butterflywings72 said:


> Hi All,
> 
> Really need some advice. I have been with my partner for the past 7 years. He is 16 years older than me (I'm 41). When we first got together we had a fantastic sex life. After a couple of years he started to talk about trying swinging. I am extremely broadminded but was a little unsure. After months of him asking I finally agreed. We had 1 'swinging' session with another guy, it was ok, didnt really do much for me but decided to give it another go. After the 2nd session, again with another man, I felt it really wasnt something that I wanted to be part of again and told partner this. He was very disappointed as he loved it. Since then our sex life has dwindled to almost nothing, I practically have to beg him to touch me, we haven't even kissed for the past 2 1/2 years. He comes up with the most banal excuses not to have sex. He tells me I'm unattractive and fat (I am a big girl but still the same size as when we met). He goes on and on about trying swinging again, which I dont want to do. I recently discovered that he has joined several swinging sites online. His profiles advertise as a couple, he uses my name on the sites and he then chats and messages other guys and pretends to be me! I really can't see what he gets out of this. When I say to him I'm not happy about this, he says he will close the profile, which he does, then 2 days later he places a new profile online. After trying again last night to initiate sex with him (excuse was 'I can't, I've got hiccups' !!!) he then said he might be interested in having more sex with me if I would go swinging again!!!!
> 
> Help!! I can't live the rest of my life celebate but I also dont want to live it with constant pressure about swinging!!!


Divorce.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

How are these ancient threads found and resurrected?

They lay buried deep in the bowels of the website and somehow pop up out of nowhere.

not that its bad.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

"Swing on this!"....as you flip him the bird while walking out the door with suitcase in hand.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Oh is this a chombie thread?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Oh is this a chombie thread?


Well damn. I got roped in.


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