# Do I stay or do I go?



## jaymoq (Feb 27, 2017)

I am having a lot of trouble lately with my marriage. My husband and I met in 2014 and we will have been married 1 year tomorrow. Happy anniversary, right? Our biggest problem stems from having very different values. He is a workaholic. His job is his #1. Money is his #2. He is his #3...you get the gist. He doesn't believe he should be responsible for doing anything outside of work and making money. However, he also doesn't believe he should provide. He refuses to share finances. We have a joint account just for our mortgage and utilities. Otherwise we are financially independent of one another. However, he makes over $20,000 more than I do a year-- so that can sometimes be tough splitting everything 50/50. And, yeah-- I am expected to contribute 50% of the bills, while maintaining 100% of the house and property. We live on 11 acres which I single-handedly maintain, in addition to our home, vehicles, getting gifts on family holidays, etc. 

It sounds like a nightmare, right? When I married him, he was very insecure and I figured (ignorantly so) that he just needed the commitment from me to really feel safe in our relationship. He was VERY adamant we had to be married. Now it seems that was only to be able to have actual authority over me. We have been to two marriage therapists. In fact, we saw one BEFORE we got married. They identified his insecurities, he cried in many sessions, and I felt bad. Also, a week after we got married he was having a major surgery on his spine and he told me he couldn't go on that table without me being his wife. It SEEMED romantic at the time. But since then we just go round-and-round in circles. 

I am very unhappy. I am exhausted. And, I'll admit-- after a year of this, I am feeling pretty darn depressed. I have started seeing my own therapist just to deal with all of this. And now my husband has zeroed in on that. He tells me I need to take medications to be happy. That I am the common denominator in my own unhappiness. That I don't open up to him. Communicate. That I expect too much. That I am incapable of happiness. Which, honestly, felt like a slap in the face. 

The few times he has agreed to be responsible for something (when I literally couldn't handle it all), he forgets about it. Or he says "Well, you just said you wanted it done, you didn't say WHEN...so I figured I'd just get around to it when I can". Which usually is weeks and weeks and requires me to remind him, which-- I hate to do. Our therapist suggested he take on a few very simple responsibilities to show he is an active participant. And really honed in on the fact that these were MORE than just chores-- it was him showing he could support me when I needed him. Well, that lasted maybe 2-3 weeks. It was things like 'take out the trash' and 'do a load of dishes'. Tasks he agreed to and said were fair.

But now he can't even do those. He tells me its not his fault, he just forgets. So he set reminders on his phone. He set THREE reminders. And he still 'forgets'. Which if he admitted he just didn't want to do them, it would be less insulting because at least I wouldn't expect them to be done.

So we are back to square one. He now refuses to see the therapist because she no longer accepts our insurance and he won't pay out of pocket for the sessions which he says are "pointless anyway". 

I REALLY REALLY loathe the idea of separating but I am not sure what else I can do. And with his constant degradation of me and telling me I am 'sick' and 'crazy', I am starting to believe it. I am scared to death of leaving-- because he's threatened to commit me if I go. He is totally tripping on power. He is in law enforcement so I seriously question how far he can go in his threats to commit me or put me in jail if I try to leave.

I feel safe right now- because I am appeasing him. If I just pretend everything is fine, keep my mouth shut, pay the bills and take care of the home-- he doesn't bother me. But that is obviously exhausting.

COOKIES if you read all that. I am at my last straw. My parents have offered to help but they won't be able to until this June. And that seems SO FAR AWAY.  Need your honest input on this.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

jaymoq said:


> I am having a lot of trouble lately with my marriage. My husband and I met in 2014 and we will have been married 1 year tomorrow. Happy anniversary, right? Our biggest problem stems from having very different values. He is a workaholic. His job is his #1. Money is his #2. He is his #3...you get the gist. He doesn't believe he should be responsible for doing anything outside of work and making money. However, he also doesn't believe he should provide. He refuses to share finances. We have a joint account just for our mortgage and utilities. Otherwise we are financially independent of one another. However, he makes over $20,000 more than I do a year-- so that can sometimes be tough splitting everything 50/50. And, yeah-- I am expected to contribute 50% of the bills, while maintaining 100% of the house and property. We live on 11 acres which I single-handedly maintain, in addition to our home, vehicles, getting gifts on family holidays, etc.
> 
> It sounds like a nightmare, right? When I married him, he was very insecure and I figured (ignorantly so) that he just needed the commitment from me to really feel safe in our relationship. He was VERY adamant we had to be married. Now it seems that was only to be able to have actual authority over me. We have been to two marriage therapists. In fact, we saw one BEFORE we got married. They identified his insecurities, he cried in many sessions, and I felt bad. Also, a week after we got married he was having a major surgery on his spine and he told me he couldn't go on that table without me being his wife. It SEEMED romantic at the time. But since then we just go round-and-round in circles.
> 
> ...


*In the absence of any kids borne to this marital union, he's preeminently shown his true colors and it's now time for you to make a choice to either stay or go!

Having said that, please consult with a good "piranha" family attorney to fully advise you of your rights and legal options!

Inasfar as time is concerned, a good lawyer can skillfully delay things until you are better financially solvent!*


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

What's in it for you? Are getting your needs met? How's the intimacy and sex?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Hey, you tried. You did what any good wife would do.

He failed you. He is too flawed. 

He is not evil. He is "just not" a keeper.

When you opened your net to catch a good mate to fly off into the sunset with..........you caught a Crow. CAW, CAW, CAW....no, CARP, CARP, CARP.

The CAW comes out as CARP because he has a split tongue...as do snakes. A harmless Garden Variety of snake.....ditto, the man.

Get out and net a Blue Bird.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You are not happy in the marriage. That is the bottom line and all that matters. There is no reason to stay in the relationship which is causing you so much pain and distress.

In addition, there is no indication he is willing or able to change to be the person who you would be happy with. You don't have to hate him to leave him. He doesn't have to be a horrible person to not be compatible with you. You don't paint a very nice picture of him, but actually that isn't really too important. You don't have to assign blame in order to decide the relationship doesn't work.

I can easily come down on your side of the issues here. He does sound like a bit of an abusive jerk, as well as having some ideas about marriage which, to me, seem contrary to a close loving relationship. We could discuss how fair is it you pay 50/50, or we could discuss the wisdom of keeping separate finances. But that is actually getting off the important parts and diverting into irrelevant details.

You are so unhappy you have sought out individual therapy. You sought out couples therapy twice already. It really doesn't matter if he is a jerk or if the financial arrangements might meet somebody else's definition of fair. For you, this relationship is terrible. And, he is not capable of being the kind of husband you need.

We could even look at it from his side of the fence. You are not the kind of wife he needs. He needs a wife who pays half the bills and does most of the upkeep on the house and property. He needs a wife who will submit to him. He needs a wife who would take mood flattening medications to keep the peace.

I think you've done a lot to try to make this work. There has been huge conflict and anguish even in a very short period of time. I think your marriage is far from the norms, but you may not have the perspective to see how far off track it is. I think you would probably be well served to leave the marriage. Obviously your therapist knows you and the situation far better than we can here, but that is my take on it.


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## jaymoq (Feb 27, 2017)

Thank you for the replies. 

The benefit to this relationship is purely financial. Obviously two incomes affords me more than my single income, although not by much. I don't necessarily disagree on keeping separate finances but it seems to contrast sharply with role expectations in general. He wants to only contribute as much as he has to and reap the benefit of a caretaker and wife. If he wanted me to be the maintainer of our lives and provide for us, fine. If he wanted to split things 50/50 and then share responsibilities, fine. But splitting the finances and not being responsible for anything else in our lives is to me intolerable. 

I should mention, we are both divorced. Which makes this situation quite sad. My first divorce, we were both very young and our careers took us in very different directions as we grew and even though we were very good friends, we chose to split amicably after a long distance go of things to respect each other. So I should have more perspective- now that I am older and have more insight. My husband is 10 years older than me-- so I think I expected (maybe naively) that he would be more mature and feel a sense of responsibility to his wife and to the marriage. 

His solution to all of this the issues we were having was to have children. Even the counselor agreed it was not a good time in our relationship to add that dimension and he said that was okay-- he could wait. But I think by not saying yes immediately, it changed him. He doesn't feel he owes anything to the relationship because I'm not catering to his needs and not providing him a family. 

It's just very difficult. He threatens to make my life miserable if I try to leave him. Refuse to sell the house. Refuse to sign papers. Force more mediation and counseling. Which- for someone who he claims is so insufferable, it puzzles me why he would be so dominating in trying to make me stay. He is still very insecure. He once told me if he can't have me, no one can. 

I know that he doesn't have to be awful or do anything condemning for me to leave. I just hate the idea of explaining myself. I put feelers out to close friends for places to keep my horses during this and already feel shattered admitting I am essentially separated. I don't sleep in the same bed as my husband. He works long hours so he doesn't get home until I'm in bed. And days he is off, he is over at his parents or working on something for a friend. I come home to the dishes in a pile by the couch, laundry piled on the floor, and an empty bed. 

It is really wearing on me. But being called crazy has hurt me more than I thought. There is this need to say "No I am not crazy". But I know he will never admit that-- and so I will probably leave knowing he thinks I'm crazy. And may choose to commit me. He quoted me the health code he'd commit me under this weekend. Told me he had it all figured out. Like doing that would keep me in the marriage?


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

jaymoq said:


> It is really wearing on me. But being called crazy has hurt me more than I thought. There is this need to say "No I am not crazy". But I know he will never admit that-- and so I will probably leave knowing he thinks I'm crazy. And may choose to commit me. He quoted me the health code he'd commit me under this weekend. Told me he had it all figured out. Like doing that would keep me in the marriage?


This is abusive to you. I think you know that. Can you do research to determine if he would ever actually be able to have you committed against your will? Can you try recording these threats and sharing them with a trusted close family member or friend?


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## jaymoq (Feb 27, 2017)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> jaymoq said:
> 
> 
> > It is really wearing on me. But being called crazy has hurt me more than I thought. There is this need to say "No I am not crazy". But I know he will never admit that-- and so I will probably leave knowing he thinks I'm crazy. And may choose to commit me. He quoted me the health code he'd commit me under this weekend. Told me he had it all figured out. Like doing that would keep me in the marriage?
> ...


As a police officer, I am sure he could at least get me committed. He does it all the time on the job. Knows the psych hospital very well. I don't think they'd question him. Whether or not it would stick, well I doubt I'd be there very long. But with his reputation I honestly don't know. And that is pretty scary. He says it enough. I used to think he was just trying to scare me but I worry he is actually considering it now.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I think it would be very difficult for him to get you committed if you did the groundwork first.

1) Talk to a lawyer. Most will give a free 15 to 30 minute consult where you get basic questions answered. You need this information so you can make informed decisions. You're guessing and supposing about really big things, like getting you committed.

2) Do you have a history of suicide threats or other psych issues which would be potential grounds for committal? If so, you need to be in the care of a qualified professional. This person not only would ensure you're getting the right treatment but would be your firewall against false allegations by your husband.

3) If you just leave so you are not in his presence, and you are staying with someone else, it makes it very difficult for him to make believable claims which would lead to you being committed.

4) His threats are abusive and, probably, criminal. Threatening to harm you via commitment is indeed unacceptable. Never accept the unacceptable. Find an ally in a friend or a therapist who can assist you in extricating yourself from this situation.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I would suggest you get a Voice Activated Recorder and keep it on you whenever you expect to deal with him, especially if you think he may make threats of getting you committed or to make divorce exceedingly difficult for you. You could also have a secure diary where you write down these things when they happen. Just be sure to keep these things locked up where he cannot get to them.


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## jaymoq (Feb 27, 2017)

I do have a history of depression and when I was a teenager voluntarily admitted myself for self harm. Which he knows. However that was years ago but no doubt a basis for him. I am seeing a therapist and see a doctor regularly but am not in any medications for this because it wasn't determined I needed anything. My depressed mood is stemming from my marriage and I cope well enough. 

My issue is timing to just leave. I own horses. And he has cameras all over the property. So even if I did t when he was working, he would know I was leaving. 

I'm thinking maybe having an unaffiliated party (ie not a friend or family member) with me would be the best bet. 

But-- it seems the general consensus is--- I do need to leave. Right?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

jaymoq said:


> Thank you for the replies.
> 
> The benefit to this relationship is purely financial. Obviously two incomes affords me more than my single income, although not by much. I don't necessarily disagree on keeping separate finances but it seems to contrast sharply with role expectations in general. He wants to only contribute as much as he has to and reap the benefit of a caretaker and wife. If he wanted me to be the maintainer of our lives and provide for us, fine. If he wanted to split things 50/50 and then share responsibilities, fine. But splitting the finances and not being responsible for anything else in our lives is to me intolerable.
> 
> ...


*OK! Get an attorney lined up now!

You H might know law enforcement backwards and forwards, but he is not seasoned in all of the intricacies of family law, which a family attorney is! 
A family attorney would have a literal field day with a blowhard like him, and more especially with whomever legal counsel is representing him!

Trust me! He'll play sheer hell trying to get anyone "committed!"

Please don't be fooled by idle threats and innuendoes!

*


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

1) see a lawyer and get your options
2) get your ducks in a row
3) arrange to stay somewhere he can't find you
4) leave
5) have him served with divorce papers
6) cut your losses and never speak to him again except through your lawyer.

He has been manipulating you and will continue to do so if you let him. Get as far away as you can as fast as you can.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Internet connected cameras on the property? Easy to defeat. On the day you move your horses and important personal possessions just pull the circuit breaker for the whole house. You could just unplug the modem, tv cable or phone cable. That would work fine too. Just find out how the cameras are hooked up and then disconnect them.

You could even send him a text on his phone saying all the power went out along your street. Presuming he won't come home to check it out, he won't worry that the cameras are out.

Alternatively you could ask for a police presence while you remove your property. And I would invite several friends as witnesses who have video cameras to record everything.

You can do this. And yes I believe you need to get out of there.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He is a selfish jerk. Get out before you waste any more on of your life on this man.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Maybe there are details underneath all this that make things different, but...

2014 is only three years ago. You didn't say if one of you owned the acres before marriage or not. But - it seems it would be fairly easy to return mainly to where you were, financially and socially, to only three years back, no?

I see nothing in his behavior that says he wants to be married.

As Joseph Campbell says, marriage is not sacrificing yourself for the other person. Marriage is sacrificing yourself to the ONE that the two people become. And he is not only unwilling to sacrifice himself to the marriage, but worse, puts money ahead of soul and heart. I would not consider him to be marriage material.

I'm also concerned about phrases like "have authority over me"...ick...that's not even really a good idea in the work environment...and kills friendships, so I rather expect it's fatal to any hope of romance. In the US, a $20k differential isn't much, but he's apparently making a big deal out of it. 

I don't know any marriage in which the two people put money as high on the list as he seems to have (and you have accepted it that way), that lasted more than 10 years. Based on my observation of couples married longer than 30 years, they just keep reducing spending year over year and magically the house is paid off way sooner than expected, then money doesn't matter.

So, you've had three years to increase your education about who to not marry. Wear that education with pride, and move on.

Just one yappy puppy's opinion.....dd


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Look up the term "gaslighting", and start taking appropriate measures to leave should things not completely turn around. You're aren't crazy, but you are burnt out and you do have a husband who's a big baby and needs coddling. I would stop doing that. Stop doing things for him, stop buying his family their gifts; he can look after that--it's his family. Stop cooking for him, stop doing his laundry, and start taking care of you.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Look into a women's shelter after you see an attorney. Get your ducks lined up, tell the attorney about the threats, and have the help get you into the shelter. Protect yourself - he might be very possessive and dangerous 


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