# My husband's ex-girlfriend



## lovelyl

Hi I'm a new to the forum and I'm so discussed that my husband's ex-girlfriend attends his church and he wants me to attend his church as well. Not only does his ex-girlfriend attend but she talks to his mother and sister while I am there. I feel like this is total disrespect and my husband feels that I should just ignore it and come for him. I've told him that I don't feel comfortable at this church and he has just brushed it off saying that he is not leaving this church and that this is his ministry. It's causing problems in our marriage because he now does things within the church and not tell me. Example: He got baptised yesterday and I thought this is a very important part of his life. I didn't know about it until it was already done. Oh, by the way he is a minister. We have only been married for a month and I feel like I have just stepped into the wrong marriage. I know that you are suppose to follow your husband, but when is it time to say that's going to far. I'm open to any comments.


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## mamab

I don't know what denomination your husband or you are, but from where I come from, someone generally gets baptized a LONG time before they become a minister. And, if you knew that your husband was involved in ministry at this church before you got married, you should have known he wouldn't just drop it BECAUSE he got married. You should be in ministry with him. 

In regard to the ex-girlfriend, I think she's really a non-issue in this case. She has a relationship with his family, why should she be required to severe that relationship if they parted on good terms? 

If you're concerned about his actions and excluding you, it could be because you're not trying to be a part of that aspect of his life. To be completely honest, unless you change your ways and become more involved in his "church" life, I don't hold out hope for the marriage lasting. I hate to sound like a doomsayer, but I really don't see that you're making the effort to make the marriage work.


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## katharina

mamab said:


> I don't know what denomination your husband or you are, but from where I come from, someone generally gets baptized a LONG time before they become a minister.


:scratchhead: That was my first thought, too.

Also, if this was a "real" post, I can't see that not going to church with him
would solve anything. Wouldn't that just make things worse? I think you
need to step up and be the minister's wife that he needs and then things
will probably get better real fast.

I agree with what mamab said in the previous post. :iagree:


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## lovelyl

Hi Thank you both for your comments, but I have just found out that the supposedly ex-girlfriend was more than just a ex-girlfriend just like I suspected. They have been having an affair while we were engaged and when I was attending the church. I am very religious and totally believe in following your husband, but I had a gut feeling about what was going on in the church, so this is why I pulled back. His pastor is now pulling him from his ministry duties because of this behavior and now everything make sense. I will totally forgive him for this and will now support him at the Church, but I could not support something that I didn't feel right about. I prayed on it many times, but something held me back. I believe if I would have continued it could have been a very big blowout at the church. And by me not going to the church did reveal what was really going on, because from what I understand his entire demeanor and excuses to the church did not make sense to anyone there. He was revealed and I am embarrassed for him, but still love him. I will continue to pray for us and now we can heal slowly.


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## tater03

What I don't understand is are you going to now go back to the same church or is it a different one? Good luck to you I understand that this cannot be easy to cope with. I hope you two are able to work through this and move on.


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## lovelyl

Yes, we will now go the same church, but the ex-girlfriend is not allowed and may not return now that she is exposed as well. Yes, it is not easy at all, but with many prayers and God on my side I can get through this. It was very devastating, but I feel better now that my gut feeling was not wrong. He has to face the people and congregation with these accussations, but it very embarrassing for him to do. But this does goes to show that nothing just happens. I believe that everything happens for a reason. At this point if he does not want to go to this church anymore because of embarrassment, I will follow him, but it's a really sad turn out.


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## tater03

I have to ask did the church tell her she is not allowed to attend anymore? I can understand you are relieved in a way that it is now out in the open but I wish that your gut feeling had been wrong. Well good luck to you both.


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## katharina

lovelyl said:


> Hi Thank you both for your comments, but I have just found out that the supposedly ex-girlfriend was more than just a ex-girlfriend just like I suspected. They have been having an affair while we were engaged and when I was attending the church.


I can't find where you said whether or not it kept happening after your marriage. It's bad enough that it was while you were engaged, but did it stop with your marriage to him? In any case, I hope you'll be able to get through this and be happy.


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## SageMother

Now that you know he has a propensity for this sort of behavior, have the two of you discussed the consequences of his repeating it?


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## lovelyl

Yes, we have discussed it and we are currently going through counseling. I didn't want to go into details as to when he had the affair. To me it's bad either way, if it was done during the engagement or after the marriage. He knows that if it does happen again, that he will be taking the chance of loosing me for good. I don't take cheating lightly at all. I believe with the punishment of GOD and the church he may have learned a lesson. It will be a long road ahead of us to build trust, and I don't know if it will ever be the same. I gave him the opportunity to tell me everything that I need to know,because if anything ever comes out again, that's it I will file for divorce. I will have to start thinking about myself.


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## lovelyl

No, the Church did not kick her out of the church, but I have not seen her since. I believe word has gotten back to her that it wouldn't be good to show her face their anymore.


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## janlovely

u shouldnt worried if his ex goes to that same church .. im married and me and my husbands exes are in the same church as we are and that doesnt stopp us from serving God .. about the other thing about hiding that he got baptizied u should speak ya both should be hoest with each other and let everything out in teh table ya married now so now ya gotta work at it.. u can't go back wards now 

u think divorce will fix the differences ya having , wat about the love ya felted think about the good things you shared instead about that one negative issue u facing u cant give up , then that will be an issue u gonna run from not only ur marriage but on other things.... 

if that was a n issue 4 me we would of not even gotten married cause too many things me and my husband are facing but we are growing together ..

be with him in the ministry dont stay back u are somebody God called ya as one not his ministry its both of ya okayy let him know that


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## janlovely

God is in control of the situation ... pray to God and ask for his guideness he will show u the wayy and give u strenght


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## lovelyl

Hi Janlovely

Thank you so much for the encouraging words. I wouldn't have had a problem with his ex if there was nothing going on between the two. I recently found out that they were involved while we were engaged. I have forgiven him for it, but it's not easy getting over it. The major problem I have right now is dealing with the fact that I was deceived. I believe everything happens for a reason and I am going to the Church to support him 100%, but I sometimes don't feel like it's worth saving, but with God and prayers I'm trying each and everyday to make it work.


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## ACCER

There is no really valid marriage here. He was cheating all along so the promises he made were not in good faith. If he did it then you can bet he will do it again. Personally, I'd seriously question any church that allows people into any aspect of the ministry without being Baptised....as that is the benchmark of Christian belief. Add to that adultery....another major no-no. And being Baptised without telling you.....


Give me a break.....My college roommate and I shared more of our lives than this....and we couldn't stand each other.


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## hurgoll

I quickly got lost in this thread. A lot of things just didn't add up. How could he have duties of ministry when he just got baptized? How did you not know he was going to be? Did no one talk about it at the church and his family never said anything also?


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## 3plus3

I am lost in this thread as well, a lot of things just really didn't add up at all for me either.


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## linliltree

I am a Pastor's wife... Go with him. You guys are one now and I want to encourage you to have trust in your husband and your relationship with him.

Women will try anything to get at ministers/pastors, I know from experience, my husband's ex contacted him from a streaming network that our ministry is on. He was actually very put out that she would stoop that low. It was handled and she hasn't attempted again.

Put aside your emotions in this matter regarding her and her silly tactics and know who you are in your marriage and support your husband and his calling. She is no threat...it's just a game for her to get you worked up. She knows you are uncomfortable and that you are not there with him, so she is pulling these stunts to work you up.

Be the bigger person... Go to church with your man and show him that you support him despite your love for the church. In doing so, you show him that you love him unconditionally and in time either she will leave the church or you all will be called to another one.


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## Rambojam

linliltree said:


> Women will try anything to get at ministers/pastors, I know from experience, my husband's ex contacted him from a streaming network that our ministry is on. He was actually very put out that she would stoop that low. It was handled and she hasn't attempted again.
> 
> Be the bigger person... Go to church with your man and show him that you support him despite your love for the church. In doing so, you show him that you love him unconditionally and in time either she will leave the church or you all will be called to another one.


I'm sorry but your post about women will try anything to get at minister's/pastors has troubled me. You obviously have unresolved issues about your husband's dealings with women. I'm very sad that as a woman, you will take us all down like that. Not all women "will try anything". Have some faith in your own kind and support us like a pastor's wife should. We have a lot to contend with at times and sometimes we need support too. With love x


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## sapphire1906

I am a christian and grew up in a household where my father cheated. Forgiving your husband is very admirable but dont make things so easy for him or this woman in the church who i think should be repremanded as well. You husband took some serious vows and he went into those vows with a lie and he needs to atone for this and take some serious steps towards earning your trust back as well as the people in the church. I wish you the best and seek the Lord in all this


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## nprettyman

[/QUOTE]I know that you are suppose to follow your husband, but when is it time to say that's going to far. I'm open to any comments.[/QUOTE]

No, you're not supposed to follow your husband. A husband and wife should make joint decisions and be open to making changes together.


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