# Husband is cheating again



## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Let me start at the beginning. I am 43 and my husband is 45. We have been married for a year and a half. As soon as we got engaged, he meet up with an old high school girlfriend on facebook. He talked to her a lot and I warned him of it. He said he wasn't going to talk to her anymore but continued. Then I found messages where he was planning on meeting her and said that "he was not going to deny any feelings that he had for her when they met". I confronted him. He called her and broke it off. He told me that he would never talk to her again and that if I would still marry him that I would never regret it. He confessed after we were married that he never cut it off with her and talked to her up to the time we were married and actually went and met her. He said that after we were married, he had no more contact with her.

10 months after we were married, he started acting strange again. To make a long story short, he had been talking to his ex-wife about them getting back together. He had been gone a lot again and distant. I knew something was wrong. He told me that he wanted our marriage to work and would do anything that it took. He got on some antidepressants and we went to counseling for a few months. He seemed to really be trying.

The last few weeks we have been talking about buying a house together. I have had such an uneasy feeling about this. I still don't trust him. I needed to know that if the oportunity to betray me ever came up again that he would do the right thing. I bought a pre-paid cell phone and got the same area code as his old high school flame. I texted him and pretended to be her. A good husband would have either not responded or told her he wasn't interested. That is not what he did. He switched to texting her from his personal cell to his company cell and told her it was because I checked the cell records. He told her our marriage was up and down, that I was selfish, and that he never knew if today was going to be the day we splitup. All the while, he would come home to me and tell me how much he loved me more than life and still pushed for us to find a house. He holds me every night while we sleep and tells me I am the greatest wife in the world. Yesterday, he told her (me) that it was hard for him to text on his work phone so he would be purchasing a disposable phone after work to communicate with her.

Yesterday, I put a deposit down on a new place for me and my daughter. I am planning on moving Tuesday. HE knows none of this. I am so distraught. I am angry and overwhelmed with sadness because I loved this man so much and he trashed us. I have to pretend like I don't know so that I have time to get my ducks in a row. 

Any advice? I am beside myself. No one knows what is happening but one of my coworkers and myself.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Your doing the absolute right thing. Good for you! What a great idea you had getting an additional phone. Just be prepared for him accusing you of setting him up. Your right, he should of ignored the phone text to begin with.

This guy is an absolute creep! He is a serial cheater and I wouldn't trust a single word that comes out of his mouth. He says nothing, but lies. Serial cheaters never stop lying or cheating. My ex h is a serial cheater and still has affairs to this day(19 years later). You caught this early, which is very good.

Keep this up. You'll find a decent man someday. They are out there. Good luck.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Ugh, you've only been married 18m and he's already pulling this shizz? Get your daughter and get the hell out - he's just going to carry on lying and cheating and in 10 years you'll look back and say 'what the hell was I thinking?'

Better to be alone that with a guy like this, what a total :loser:


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your doing the right thing. He's a determined cheater. Oh he will try to deny and sweet talk you to get you back home. 

If you go back, you'll just be ave to leave the next time you find him cheating and given his history, you will catch him again.

Show your daughter that people do not have to put with being cheated and betrayed, and the best thing to do with people who treat you that way is to dump them out of your life.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I'm so sorry - this has to be ridiculously painful. I give you a lot of credit for the self control to not just lay in to him with what you know already.

You're absolutely doing the right thing, moving you and your daughter out and moving on without him. You're showing your daughter that we can all make mistakes but we don't have to keep making the same mistake.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Thanks everyone. I know what you are saying is the truth. I don't have a choice but to leave him. I just feel so sick inside because I love him so much and I can't believe he's done this to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This is very painful, but you were so smart to do what you did so that you could spare yourself years of doubt and heartache.

I hope you will follow through and leave him.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

It is the right thing to do. Free yourself of him. What is it that you have left to love in him? 
Twice in 18 months he has betrayed you. Your Just married! Forget him. You deserve more that that. 

*You need to expose him to everyone*. work. family. everyone. This is for your own protection and the protection of your child. If you just move out he will pull the "wife deserted me for no reason" card. All sorts of bad things can and will happen then. 
He is not your friend and he will continue to disrespect you and attempt to bully you.* You MUST expose if you are leaving!*

Get an email ready. It goes out just Tuesday morning as soon as the you have packed the last thing and you have the keys for the new place in your hand. It does not have to be long or emotional

Dear family friends etc
My H of only 18 months has been cheating on me. Not once, but twice and is continuing it as of now. Myself and D are moving out of our home as of Today and can be contacted 

I wouldn't even lock the door behind you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Thank God you were wise enough to find this out before you bought a property with him.

You and your daughter deserve so much better.


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

You are doing the right thing! So sorry this happened to you, but girl...YOU ARE SMART!!! Way to get the burner phone w. her area code and catch him like that! I wish I had thought to do it myself!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ing said:


> It is the right thing to do. Free yourself of him. What is it that you have left to love in him?
> Twice in 18 months he has betrayed you. Your Just married! Forget him. You deserve more that that.
> 
> *You need to expose him to everyone*. work. family. everyone. This is for your own protection and the protection of your child. If you just move out he will pull the "wife deserted me for no reason" card. All sorts of bad things can and will happen then.
> ...


:iagree:

Out him! 

Well... except maybe I would lock the door. Or perhaps glue the f**king key in it, or somesuch...


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You know that when you tell him why you're leaving him, he is going to try to confuse you.

"I knew it was you the whole time! I was just playing with you to see how far you'd go with the game. C'mon honey it was a joke"


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

BetrayedWife~

I'm so sorry this is happening. I want to encourage you that I do think the choice you're making is the right one. Even in the bible we are told that the one exception for which it is moral to divorce is adultery, and in your young marriage you've already had 3!! That's just unspeakable, really. Anyway, it's my understanding that in the case of adultery, the loyal spouse can "make the call" and it sounds to me as if a decision has been reached. 

I do, however, agree with *ing *about sending an email or a notification of some kind. See, normally for people who are trying to stop an affair and reconcile their marriage, I do recommend that they #1 gather evidence to convince themselves something really is going on, #2 confront their spouse and ask them to stop, #3 disclose it to a mentor, and then #4 expose it to those who are going to be affected if there is a divorce. The reason I suggest those steps is because the long-term goal is to break up the affair and have the folks that mean the most to the disloyal spouse encourage them to end it!! Also exposure can go a long way in stopping the tales they can weave to justify their affair! I mean let's be honest--most disloyals will tell their family that you were abusive (in some way) and then string together 3 incidents over the course of 20 years as their "proof." 

In this instance, it doesn't sound like you want to reconcile the marriage, nor is your goal necessarily to break up the affair. I'm sure you wouldn't mind, but you know what I mean.  However, once you do move out, you can bet your bippy he'll play the "she abandoned me for no reason" card to justify what a horrible person you are. Thus, I agree with *ing *that it would be wise to send a factual, brief email/note to your parents, his parents, your siblings, his siblings, life-long friends if you got 'em, pastor or spiritual leader...those involved. I even like the way he worded it: 



> Dear family, friends etc
> My H of only 18 months has been cheating on me, not once, but twice, and he is continuing it as of now. Myself and D are moving out of our home as of <date> and can be contacted at <new contact info>


I would not necessarily contact all his co-workers or all your co-workers as that's just scorched-earth revenge. However it may be wise to contact your employer so they know why if your productivity falls or you need personal time. Likewise it may be wise to contact his HR and let them know he's using a work phone to carry on an affair...as most employers do not take usage of work resources too well. 

If it is at all possible, I would STRONGLY recommend printing off any texts or chats that you have for documentation. I'd especially recommend capturing the texts using the work phone for legal reasons (you'd have proof that what you said was true). I'd strongly recommend making more than one copy, and placing one copy in a secure place away from home....like a lockbox at that bank or a safe at work. Further, if you do tell people like his family, they may need "proof" that he was cheating before they believe you. Finally, it may prove to support your case in any legal battle or in annulling our marriage. 

Again, I am SO SORRY you have to be here, but I'm glad we are at least here to help and encourage you.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

I really appreciate all of your support. I am physically ill about all of this today. I love him so much. The day we married was the happiest day of my life. I just can't believe he has done this to me. I have to take control back for my sanity. I have to take my power back so he can't hurt me anymore. I would love to believe that he could be true to me but he just proved that he won't. I am in such a bad place emotionally and I have to pretend that everything is ok for the next three days. It is almost unbearable.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Betrayedwife said:


> I really appreciate all of your support. I am physically ill about all of this today. I love him so much. The day we married was the happiest day of my life. I just can't believe he has done this to me. I have to take control back for my sanity. I have to take my power back so he can't hurt me anymore. I would love to believe that he could be true to me but he just proved that he won't. I am in such a bad place emotionally and I have to pretend that everything is ok for the next three days. It is almost unbearable.


I'm wishing you the peace you seek for the decision you've made.
You ARE doing the right thing by leaving & protecting yourself & your daughter.
Your husband made the choice to cheat, nothing you did or didn't do is the cause of his deceit.
Take care of yourself & your daughter, reach out to someone close to you so that you have some kind of emotional support to get you through the coming days.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Betrayedwife said:


> I really appreciate all of your support. I am physically ill about all of this today. I love him so much. The day we married was the happiest day of my life. I just can't believe he has done this to me. I have to take control back for my sanity. I have to take my power back so he can't hurt me anymore. I would love to believe that he could be true to me but he just proved that he won't. I am in such a bad place emotionally and I have to pretend that everything is ok for the next three days. It is almost unbearable.


I know this is tremendously painful. I know it seems like your heart is so deeply wounded that you'll never recover.

He was false to you in more ways than one. He showed you his 'good side' and led you to believe he was one sort of person. That is who you fell in love with.

But he had another side. He kept that entirely hidden from you. He spent a tremendous amount of effort sharing his innermost thoughts and feelings with this other person. He shut you off from that part of him.

So I know you think you love him, and that is sort of true. But you only love the part he shared with you. He denied you the ability to know him fully. That is because he has some serious problems inside of him, problems that he is going to have to someday wrestle to the ground if he ever wants to live as a full, authentic human being. But HE has to want to change in order for that to happen. Unfortunately, he's made his choices crystal clear.

It's okay to mourn the loss of a dream. It's okay to be tremendously sad that this man is so broken, and so selfish, that he cannot be trusted to be a life partner to you. You owe it to your daughter to get the heck away from someone who is so selfish and untrustworthy. But it's okay to mourn for the person you thought that he was--_but that he is not_.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

My parents and sister know everything. I told them today. They say he deserves nothing. My parents are coming to help me move Tuesday. My oldest son, 20 yrs, knows too and will help me move. I'm going to have to get into some type of therapy after this. I am not the same person I was a year and a half ago. My whole outlook on life has changed. I trust no one.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Betrayedwife said:


> My parents and sister know everything. I told them today. They say he deserves nothing. My parents are coming to help me move Tuesday. My oldest son, 20 yrs, knows too and will help me move. I'm going to have to get into some type of therapy after this. I am not the same person I was a year and a half ago. My whole outlook on life has changed. I trust no one.


Not trusting people is not such a bad thing. It should be earned. Not freely given. I know you are in terrible, heart wrenching pain which seems like it will never end. I and others here know how you feel because we have been there. The next few days will be unbearable but it is fantastic that you have shared this with your family and they are pitching in. It is now time to call in any favors you have. This is the rainy day. 

The actions you are taking and have taken so far although incredibly painful are the right ones for you and your daughter.

Your H does not deserve your love. he does not love you. His actions speak loud and clear. 

There are many, many many men out in the world who will value you for who you are. They will value your strength and your vulnerabilty, They will value,, above all, your integrity because that is what shines through in your posts. 

There is no rush to look again. 

Concentrate on you and your daughter. Feel free to post as often as you want , there are people here who understand. 

Please, look after yourself physically over the next few months. The next few days you can pretend it is all okay. Just a few days now and your life will begin to improve. Slowly, incrementally and painfully. But improve it will.


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

I feel you and sincerely hope you see happy days soon.You are better off alone than being with a creep!!!!

And I must say 1 thing,the way you caught him was awsome;do not tell him anything;I do not want him playing mind games with you and trying to fool you(for I believe he is well aware that you cared so much for him);but perhaps he is not aware that you were in love with and cared for a man who is honest and not this all-time dishonest person;

do not trust him again;just start a frsh life,,it wil be good and happy for you again.


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

and however hurt we are because of a cheating person ;but why should it chnage your outlook towards life;its a mix of good and bad people; you did not cheat on him ,you are honest and hence you make the world too and not creeps like him alone;


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Tomorrow is the day that we leave. I just have to get through 24more hours. Also, yesterday while we were watching a movie, he was on the computer the whole time. When he got off, I checked it. He was looking up nude pictures of Penelope Cruz and Jennifer Lopez. Not that I am a prude or anything. It's just under the circumstances, it makes me want to vomit. What in the hell is wrong with him. I am a fairly attractive, educated woman. He constantly looks at, comments on, flirts with and CHEATS. What is so wrong with me that he does this to me? Why does he always have someone on the side? Why did he even marry me in the first place if he was going to cheat on me? Why did he get engaged to me and then 3days later plan to meet up with someone? I can't wrap my head around it.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I am sorry you have to go through this situation, let's face it, he is a dog. You are still young and attractive and obviously much smarter than this Barney. Better to cut your losses now, don't let him talk you into doing something you will regret later. You have a loving family to support you, concentrate on that and not Barney. Take your time with the future, you just may be surprised at what you will find.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Im sorry for what you are going through. Im glad you were smart enough to "test" him and to find out what he really is, and strong enough to leave the situation so he cant hurt you anymore! 

Good luck! I'll be thinking about you!


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Betrayedwife said:


> What is so wrong with me that he does this to me? Why does he always have someone on the side? Why did he even marry me in the first place if he was going to cheat on me? Why did he get engaged to me and then 3days later plan to meet up with someone? I can't wrap my head around it.


Put simply, you got a lemon. That's all.

His dysfunctions are not a reflection of, or on you. 

There is nothing you could have done, said or been that would have changed what he is, or what he would have done. Try to understand, this is what he is. Your husband has deep seeded issues, they were there before you and will be there long after you have left. This has nothing to do with you.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Some people are just selfish liars. They know this about themselves & know that they'll always be alone unless they put on a good show. They fool lots of decent, smart people. In fact, it's the decent people who get taken in because they trust in the goodness of others.

So there's absolutely nothing wrong with you & everything wrong with him. You must know that deep down.

There are no happy outcomes here, but the best outcome is that you were so smart in figuring out his game very early. You've saved yourselves years of heartache.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

good luck!
the burner phone was a fantastic idea, by the way.
wish i had thought of that, but then again, i didnt know OMs area code and i exploded before i had a chance to learn anything other than "your wife has been cheating on you for two years".
thats a wicked way to catch a cheater though, hats off to you!


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

leave him

please


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Goldmember357 said:


> leave him
> 
> please


She's leaving tomorrow.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

In 13 hours, people will be here to move me. I've been a nervous wreck all day. Ill be glad when this is over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Today is the day. It has started with the first of many tears. I have to leave. I know I do. I just wish this man I love so much had not betrayed me like he has. I wish things could be different but they cant. Pray for me today. This is awful.


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## Amyd (Nov 12, 2012)

Betrayedwife said:


> Let me start at the beginning. I am 43 and my husband is 45. We have been married for a year and a half. As soon as we got engaged, he meet up with an old high school girlfriend on facebook. He talked to her a lot and I warned him of it. He said he wasn't going to talk to her anymore but continued. Then I found messages where he was planning on meeting her and said that "he was not going to deny any feelings that he had for her when they met". I confronted him. He called her and broke it off. He told me that he would never talk to her again and that if I would still marry him that I would never regret it. He confessed after we were married that he never cut it off with her and talked to her up to the time we were married and actually went and met her. He said that after we were married, he had no more contact with her.
> 
> 10 months after we were married, he started acting strange again. To make a long story short, he had been talking to his ex-wife about them getting back together. He had been gone a lot again and distant. I knew something was wrong. He told me that he wanted our marriage to work and would do anything that it took. He got on some antidepressants and we went to counseling for a few months. He seemed to really be trying.
> 
> ...


It's definitively time to move on. Hugs


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Betrayedwife said:


> Today is the day. It has started with the first of many tears. I have to leave. I know I do. I just wish this man I love so much had not betrayed me like he has. I wish things could be different but they cant. Pray for me today. This is awful.


Does he know you are leaving, or are you just going to be gone when he gets home and you are then going to tell him why?


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Does he know you are leaving, or are you just going to be gone when he gets home and you are then going to tell him why?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Hoping the move goes well and family are all around as promised.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

We moved out yesterday. He did find us. He tried the "I knew it was you the whole time". I told him no, he didnt. He would have never said the things he did if he knew it was me. He surely wouldnt have text from his work phone or told her he was going to buy an extra phone to talk to her and tell her that he missed her. 
He wants to work it out and keeps calling. I am ignoring him. My family has been a great support. This is horrible for me righ now.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Betrayedwife said:


> We moved out yesterday. He did find us. He tried the "I knew it was you the whole time". I told him no, he didnt. He would have never said the things he did if he knew it was me. He surely wouldnt have text from his work phone or told her he was going to buy an extra phone to talk to her and tell her that he missed her.
> He wants to work it out and keeps calling. I am ignoring him. My family has been a great support. This is horrible for me righ now.


Im sorry for your pain, your days will get better, it just takes time! Be strong!


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I suppose one of the thing to consider is that you are in a relatively young marriage and that will shorten the period of recovery. Not make it any less horrible for you right now, but shorten it.
You really do sound like it is over and I think in your position I would do the same, but a question.

How long were him and his ex wife married?


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

They were married for 20 years. I have questioned her lately and he had a little cheating history there too.


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

Man, ur husband is a douche. And a horrible liar. Kudos to u for getting out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

So I left him 9 days ago. I saw him the day I left but not since. I filed for divorce yesterday. He says "he's seen the light" this time. I cant believe him. It's the same old song. I am so damn sad and so angry that he has done this to me. Why? I was a good wife. Why did he cheat over and over. Why do I have to pay now emotionally for what he's done? I want to believe him but I can't. This isn't the first time, it's the third. He will never change. I have nightmares and I'm so tired. My (teenage) kids ( not his) have been great trying to help me. I just feel overwhelmed.


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## SelfTweaks (Nov 11, 2012)

We all feel your pain and I applaud you for taking action. It is over, be strong and don't look back. You deserve better.

You are not to blame for any of this, despite what that DB of a husband tells you. Stop wondering what you did wrong, because he wins mentally if you do. You did absolutely nothing and this divorce is his loss.

Because it now leaves you free to find the man that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

I am not the same person I was 2 years ago. Totally different now. I just have to work through this pain and move forward. This really sucks.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You seem very strong and smart about this. Sometimes people simply aren't who we thought and hoped they were. I'm very sorry for this, but you've done the right thing for yourself. It's all his loss.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Betrayedwife said:


> I really appreciate all of your support. I am physically ill about all of this today. I love him so much. The day we married was the happiest day of my life. I just can't believe he has done this to me. I have to take control back for my sanity. I have to take my power back so he can't hurt me anymore. I would love to believe that he could be true to me but he just proved that he won't. I am in such a bad place emotionally and I have to pretend that everything is ok for the next three days. It is almost unbearable.


I challenge you on the thought that you love him. You love who you thought he was. You do not really know him.

I hope that this thought will make you stronger in leaving him.. the man you do not know.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Betrayedwife said:


> They were married for 20 years. I have questioned her lately and he had a little cheating history there too.


So the woman he was married to and who he cheated on.... was not willing to cheat with him to ruin your marriage?

They deserve each other.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Unfortunately, I do think I know who he is now. The man I fell in love with is not there. Probably never was there. I know now that he is a serial liar and a cheater. He is a sweet talker that will say and do anything to get me back. 

The last few days he has been at the hospital because his son is having a baby. He has been up there with his ex that he cheated on me with. He says her sight sickens him because she pretends like she did nothing wrong, and she was just as much a part of destroying our marriage. Oh we'll, I guess he can just sit and look at her and be haunted about what he did. Just like I have been haunted and tortured because of his selfish actions. He may "truly understand the pain he's caused" now, but it doesn't matter. I think he's just hurting because he can't get what he wants this time. This girl has been hurt enough. I have to let these wounds heal and get healthy and strong again.


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## Amyd (Nov 12, 2012)

Betrayedwife said:


> Unfortunately, I do think I know who he is now. The man I fell in love with is not there. Probably never was there. I know now that he is a serial liar and a cheater. He is a sweet talker that will say and do anything to get me back.
> 
> The last few days he has been at the hospital because his son is having a baby. He has been up there with his ex that he cheated on me with. He says her sight sickens him because she pretends like she did nothing wrong, and she was just as much a part of destroying our marriage. Oh we'll, I guess he can just sit and look at her and be haunted about what he did. Just like I have been haunted and tortured because of his selfish actions. He may "truly understand the pain he's caused" now, but it doesn't matter. I think he's just hurting because he can't get what he wants this time. This girl has been hurt enough. I have to let these wounds heal and get healthy and strong again.


I'm so sorry you're in pain. Hugs


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