# So Confused...



## Down_Right_Devastated (Aug 3, 2017)

First, I want to say sorry for the lengthy post...

My husband and I have been together for 9 years, married for 8. I have 2 children from a previous 10 year relationship, ages 15 and 11, and we have 1 child together, age 7. Our lives have been pretty good (so I thought), with occasional arguments over small things once in a while. Our children are heavily involved in sports and we have always done things together (i.e. been on multiple cruises, trips, bought a boat just last year). After a week long vacation at the week over the 4th of July, on July 8, after both of our older children's basketball games, he informed me that he "couldn't do this anymore. That he loved me, but hasn't been in love with me in years." I had never been so floored in my entire life...

Our 8 year wedding anniversary was June 27th, and I received a beautiful card with a heartfelt letter stating how much he loved me and how he would be lost without me in his life and there would be a hole in his soul, yada, yada, yada. He even "reproposed" to me on Christmas Eve, giving me a beautiful updated engagement ring. Every special occasion, birthday or even "just because", he would write these heartfelt things in cards, with flowers, on FB, anywhere and everywhere really. 

For the past 26 days, he has told me that all of that was "just words" trying to rekindle the feelings he once had for me. He had a constant feeling of solitude and emotional distance from me for years. He states that I controlled him and never allowed him to have his "own feelings" and I never respected him as a husband or father, that I made him feel "trapped" and when I'm around him, he feels if I'm a person of some high authority over him. He has always been quite passive and my personality has always been pretty assertive, but the thing is that I begged and begged him for his input, for him to communicate with me and it was always answered with "whatever you think or I don't really have anything to say."

To make matters even worse is that the older children's father died of a drug overdose on June 5th. It was a sad time at our house and when we told the kids, my husband promised he would NEVER leave them and he would always be there for them. He even stood up at his memorial, in front of everyone, and said the same. He moved out the day he said he couldn't do it anymore (7/8) and a few weeks ago, he moved into a 3 bedroom apartment so all of the kids could come there. He wants 50/50 custody. The older 2 will not go because they feel deeply abandoned and feel he immediately broke his promise to never leave them. Our youngest went from Sunday to Sunday of last week and came back to tell the others how great it was and that he wanted to go live there.

I have tried to talk to him about working on our marriage, not only for us, but for our family unit. I begged him to go to counseling and his response "why beat a dead horse?" Maybe cause I was unaware the horse was dead...? Everyone that knows so far are absolutely shocked, as am I...Just Tuesday, I asked him to try and start to rebuild our relationship, slowly...his response was, "I'm not trying to give you false hope. At the moment, I don't see us together." He took his wedding ring off a week after he left.

Advice anyone?
Thanks so much in advance!


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Has anything happened between the two of you recently that he may have taken as disrespectful? I've had similar issues with my wife the last couple years, both of us became emotionally detached from each other. We both saw and knew it was happening but every time I tried to talk about, things would come up that the other felt were personal attacks and it turned into an argument. I've tried over the last couple years to work on things but it's always felt one sided. Some times things happen with little or no explanation, not even to the person doing them. My wife tells me that if she had wanted a divorce that it would've happened long ago, but she still can't give me an explanation of why she acts so dismissive and withdrawn from me. The stranger thing is that all this time all I wanted to do was work on fixing things between us, and now it's me that has the constant thoughts of leaving. Give things a little time to settle and try talking to him about it all again.


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## Down_Right_Devastated (Aug 3, 2017)

AtMyEnd said:


> Has anything happened between the two of you recently that he may have taken as disrespectful? I've had similar issues with my wife the last couple years, both of us became emotionally detached from each other. We both saw and knew it was happening but every time I tried to talk about, things would come up that the other felt were personal attacks and it turned into an argument. I've tried over the last couple years to work on things but it's always felt one sided. Some times things happen with little or no explanation, not even to the person doing them. My wife tells me that if she had wanted a divorce that it would've happened long ago, but she still can't give me an explanation of why she acts so dismissive and withdrawn from me. The stranger thing is that all this time all I wanted to do was work on fixing things between us, and now it's me that has the constant thoughts of leaving. Give things a little time to settle and try talking to him about it all again.


I don't think so. That's another thing he said, that he's been trying to fix things, but I unaware we had anything to fix. He never really communicated with me about any issues or his emotions because he said I wouldn't care anyway or we would argue about it, which is far from the truth! I asked him what made that day and this time frame the "straw the broke the camel's back" and he said "it just clicked in his brain." That very day, he had taken my car to his job (he is a mechanic) to fix a slow leak in the tire. Two hours before his decision while he was at work, he sent me a text that said, "I fixed your tire. I was going to get the car cleaned, but the line was too long. I'll wash it tomorrow." My response was, "Awww, thanks babe. It's ok. I'll see you in a lil bit."

How are things going with your wife now?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Are you sure he's not been seeing someone else?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

First, do you have access to his cell phone bill? A man doesn't abandon his family just to have a lone time, usually. Most here will bet a paycheck that he is dating someone else and he's working on replacing you.

Second, were you two intimate often? Was the sex often and good? Were needs not being met?


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## Down_Right_Devastated (Aug 3, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Are you sure he's not been seeing someone else?


Outside of work, we literally spent all of our time together between our kids' extracurricular activities and our activities as a family. If he is seeing someone else, it would have to be someone he works with; although, he is a mechanic and all of the techs are males, 2 of the service advisers are female, but both engaged to coworkers.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Check the phone bill and any other electronics he had access to. You'll find the woman he's been having an affair with.


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## Down_Right_Devastated (Aug 3, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> First, do you have access to his cell phone bill? A man doesn't abandon his family just to have a lone time, usually. Most here will bet a paycheck that he is dating someone else and he's working on replacing you.
> 
> Second, were you two intimate often? Was the sex often and good? Were needs not being met?
> 
> We


I did have access, but he denied my access when he left. He said he didn't want me following him using Family Tracker (or something like that). He no longer wanted me to have any control or access to him. I still see him a few times a week at the kids' basketball games and to tell you the truth, he looks quite rough, hasn't shaved... 

I asked him point blank if he was seeing someone, not necessarily having a physical affair, but an emotional one and his response was "I would be absolutely stupid to get into any type of relationship after the one I've been in for 9 years."

As for intimacy, I would say the sex was good...once a week or more. We are both 33 and the only reason I would say he isn't having a physical affair, is that a few years ago he had to start taking medicine for it "to work." Who knows...Sometimes I think he is just questioning his "manliness" or something...


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## Down_Right_Devastated (Aug 3, 2017)

turnera said:


> Check the phone bill and any other electronics he had access to. You'll find the woman he's been having an affair with.


Before he left, I had access to everything. I admit I would look at this call and messaging logs. I never found anything out of the ordinary. I sometimes even looked at his phone. nothing there either.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Yep, so many affairs are online these days. Facebook, texts. 

If you have his passwords, check everything. 

If you have iPhones and iTunes and share an account you can go to the App Store and go to updates, then purchased at the top and then the "not on this phone" option and look for things like Kik, WhatsApp, and the like.

Some are smart enough to keep it off their phone bills 😒


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## Down_Right_Devastated (Aug 3, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Yep, so many affairs are online these days. Facebook, texts.
> 
> If you have his passwords, check everything.
> 
> ...


We don't have Iphones and I have checked his FB, nothing there either. He didn't have any of those apps on his phone. I looked! 

I mentioned above, but he has to take meds to "make it work", so I highly doubt he is stepping out physically since the meds are still at my house with the same amount in them. Plus how awkward would it be to have an affair at 33 years old and have to tell the woman, it might not work...but that may just be me? Although, it is something that really bothered him...


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I would bet more an emotional affair so he left so he could explore it. In his mind he left before he did anything wrong so he's not the bad guy. 

Don't underestimate new relationship energy to fix, at least temporarily, ED issues. 

Though if you've checked everything, idk. 

No dating sites, browser history? 

For him to just leave so out of the blue and without some event to spark it is super weird. His reasons are a little vague. Where is he staying?


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## Down_Right_Devastated (Aug 3, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I would bet more an emotional affair so he left so he could explore it. In his mind he left before he did anything wrong so he's not the bad guy.
> 
> Don't underestimate new relationship energy to fix, at least temporarily, ED issues.
> 
> ...


No dating sites, nothing out of the ordinary in the browser history...

To him, it's not out of the blue. He says he has been trying for years, but I was unaware he was so unhappy, miserable even (per his words). NO ONE saw this coming, his parents, mine, our close friends...

One of the text he sent during an exchange the other day was, "Our marriage failing is just as much my fault for being so submissive, but it was all because I didn't want it to fail. Because I wanted you to be happy. I desired a healthy relationship, marriage and family, nothing was more important to me. But living in a constant feeling of solitude and so much emotional distance between us was simply too much." He says this is not easy for him and he is miserable at the moment and feels all alone.

He got an 3 bedroom apartment about 10 minutes from our home.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

So like a walk away wife situation in reverse. 
When you look back can you find times where he tried to tell you how he felt?


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## Down_Right_Devastated (Aug 3, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> So like a walk away wife situation in reverse.
> When you look back can you find times where he tried to tell you how he felt?


Yes, I can, but the last conversation I remember being about those exact thoughts was in 2012. I thought we had moved past that and grown as a couple, but now I know we never really did, or at least he didn't. I really thought we had a great relationship. I asked him quite often was he happy and his answer was always yes. He said he told me that so he wouldn't cause an argument.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Down_Right_Devastated said:


> I don't think so. That's another thing he said, that he's been trying to fix things, but I unaware we had anything to fix. He never really communicated with me about any issues or his emotions because he said I wouldn't care anyway or we would argue about it, which is far from the truth! I asked him what made that day and this time frame the "straw the broke the camel's back" and he said "it just clicked in his brain." That very day, he had taken my car to his job (he is a mechanic) to fix a slow leak in the tire. Two hours before his decision while he was at work, he sent me a text that said, "I fixed your tire. I was going to get the car cleaned, but the line was too long. I'll wash it tomorrow." My response was, "Awww, thanks babe. It's ok. I'll see you in a lil bit."
> 
> How are things going with your wife now?


Could there have been something in the car that he found that would make him "click"? Him not communicating his feelings is a lot like what my wife did, I knew something was off but any time I asked her about it all I got was "It's just work stuff". Then a few months after that was when things just kind of imploded. Things now aren't bad, a lot has happened over the last year and a half. Things have slowly been talked about over time and things seem to be getting better. As bad as it is to say, I've gotten to the point where it doesn't matter to me either way if we work things out or not. We're still together but it's no where near a marriage.


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## Down_Right_Devastated (Aug 3, 2017)

AtMyEnd said:


> Down_Right_Devastated said:
> 
> 
> > I don't think so. That's another thing he said, that he's been trying to fix things, but I unaware we had anything to fix. He never really communicated with me about any issues or his emotions because he said I wouldn't care anyway or we would argue about it, which is far from the truth! I asked him what made that day and this time frame the "straw the broke the camel's back" and he said "it just clicked in his brain." That very day, he had taken my car to his job (he is a mechanic) to fix a slow leak in the tire. Two hours before his decision while he was at work, he sent me a text that said, "I fixed your tire. I was going to get the car cleaned, but the line was too long. I'll wash it tomorrow." My response was, "Awww, thanks babe. It's ok. I'll see you in a lil bit."
> ...


No, there's nothing in my car that would have made it "click" for him, just some so ccer balls and other sports equipment ?. I just can't get over the fact that both the kids and I feel so abandoned. It seems so easy for him to walk away and start anew.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you argue with him a lot? Raise your voice? Criticize him?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Has he had any depression issues in the past? Taking an affair out of the equation for a moment, he wouldn't be the first person who blames his or her unhappiness on family and bails out because they are unwilling to look at the true cause, within themselves.


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## Down_Right_Devastated (Aug 3, 2017)

honcho said:


> Has he had any depression issues in the past? Taking an affair out of the equation for a moment, he wouldn't be the first person who blames his or her unhappiness on family and bails out because they are unwilling to look at the true cause, within themselves.


I actually admitted to him that I have been depressed for a while, not really sure why, but he never asked anything about it or mentioned it. I'm extremely depressed now and I've suffered with untreated anxiety for as long as I can remember. 

Talking with him (the small amount we do now that he's moved out) and hearing from others that have talked to him, I do believe he is depressed and has been for quite some time. Should I talk to him about it... ask if he is?


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## Down_Right_Devastated (Aug 3, 2017)

This is the last text exchange I had with him on Tuesday... 
I'll try my very best not to push you into restarting a relationship with me at the moment, but all I ask is that you don't fully give up on me, your wife, and our lives as one family unit just yet. Let me continue to work on me and maybe, we can have that conversation sometime in the near future?

His response: I'm living day by day, week by week. There are a lot of things I need to work on as well.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Down_Right_Devastated said:


> This is the last text exchange I had with him on Tuesday...
> I'll try my very best not to push you into restarting a relationship with me at the moment, but all I ask is that you don't fully give up on me, your wife, and our lives as one family unit just yet. Let me continue to work on me and maybe, we can have that conversation sometime in the near future?
> 
> His response: I'm living day by day, week by week. There are a lot of things I need to work on as well.


That does sound a little hopeful. I think you need to go to counselling/therapy and explore what you need to make right about yourself. You cannot change him, he has to do that himself. You also cannot nice him back into the marriage and sending him texts is not a good idea. If he is like a reverse WAW it is better you give him space, to sort through his feelings. He sounds sensitive and a bit of a beta male.

Are you the strong one in the marriage, do you talk down to him, boss him around, etc? A man can feel very disrespected but put up with to keep things on an even keel, maybe he spent too long doing that, he wasn't getting enough from you as his wife and partner.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Down_Right_Devastated said:


> This is the last text exchange I had with him on Tuesday...
> I'll try my very best not to push you into restarting a relationship with me at the moment, but all I ask is that you don't fully give up on me, your wife, and our lives as one family unit just yet. Let me continue to work on me and maybe, we can have that conversation sometime in the near future?
> 
> His response: I'm living day by day, week by week. There are a lot of things I need to work on as well.


It goes against what your heart is telling you but you need to stop sending texts and messages like this to him. Your only enabling his behavior right now. He knows he can come back at any time, he doesn't have to worry about the marriage. In his head he isn't risking anything because your accepting this behavior from him so he has no incentive to change the dynamic.


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## Down_Right_Devastated (Aug 3, 2017)

turnera said:


> Did you argue with him a lot? Raise your voice? Criticize him?


We actually never really argue at all. And no, I don't raise my voice at him. The first time I did was actually Sunday when he were in a heated argument.


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## Down_Right_Devastated (Aug 3, 2017)

aine said:


> Down_Right_Devastated said:
> 
> 
> > This is the last text exchange I had with him on Tuesday...
> ...


I have already started therapy. I am committed to making myself a better person! I do believe he is a beta male so I gave him lots of opportunities to be the alpha in the relationship but never took the opportunity to do so.

I am the assertive one, not with him really, atleast I try not to be. I don't talk down to him or atleast I don't think I do, but who knows, I may unknowingly and unintentionally. He takes everything I say and turns it into something negative even though it wasn't meant that way. But that may be the case...i truly hope it's not too late!


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Down_Right_Devastated said:


> We actually never really argue at all. And no, I don't raise my voice at him. The first time I did was actually Sunday when he were in a heated argument.


There are some guys who are just passive and conflict avoidant. How was his past? Family issues?

There may not be an option to save the marriage. Walk-aways hardly ever change their minds, maybe if he was living there and could see progress but he's out and seems settled. 

Take this time to focus on moving on without him. You will be ok.


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## Down_Right_Devastated (Aug 3, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Down_Right_Devastated said:
> 
> 
> > We actually never really argue at all. And no, I don't raise my voice at him. The first time I did was actually Sunday when he were in a heated argument.
> ...


His parents have been married for 40 years. No family issues that I know of...

I see him multiple times a week for our kids, so he could see my progress in the future if he wants to. I don't think he is settled. He seems quite lost. 

I just can't seem to do that... the thought of him not in my future makes me literally sick to my stomach.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Down_Right_Devastated said:


> Yes, I can, but the last conversation I remember being about those exact thoughts was in 2012. I thought we had moved past that and grown as a couple, but now I know we never really did, or at least he didn't. I really thought we had a great relationship. I asked him quite often was he happy and his answer was always yes. He said he told me that so he wouldn't cause an argument.


This is what happens with walk away wives, they express their needs and feelings to their partner, who either doesnt acknowledge or admit their part in the wife's unhappiness, make an effort for a while and then go back to the status quo. After so many times of this happening, the wife just gives up making the effort. The husband thinks all is hunky dory then is shell shocked when the wife says she is leaving. I know because this was me. So really THINK BACK to how you have treated him over the years, and exactly what it was that he expressed to you. What was that last conversation about? 

The toughest part about YOUR situation is that your H has been appearing loving, with the re-engagement, sweet notes, etc. Usually the person who ends up walking away is more aloof. So yeah, I can only imagine your shock. You state that you are the more assertive one in the relationship, are you sure that you were not overbearing to him? If not then maybe he is not only passive but hyper sensitive as well, and it takes very little for him to be overwhelmed. 

Whatever brought this on, my suggestion would be to back off and respect his need for his space. Your chances of getting him back are pretty much zero, so its important that you two create a respectful coparenting relationship from here on.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I'm leaning in agreement with those who say he's likely having an EA online of some kind. Doesn't even need to be an affair, actually. If he has found a woman to just ''listen'' to him, that could be enough for him to turn on you and the marriage. But, it could also be that he is unhappy, and has been for a while. It does happen, and people stay married for the wrong reasons sometimes, from what I've observed and read about. I'm sorry you find yourself here, no matter what the reason is.


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