# I'm new here



## Hopeless_in_LA (3 mo ago)

Hello all! My husband of 20 years told me in March that the woman he had been having an affair with during a substance abuse bout was pregnant, to say I was devistated is an understatement. A little background.....Our marriage has been a rocky road we have gone through many tirals. We lost 3 children before birth and there is a 13 year differnece between our 2 children. My husband has battled substance abuse and anger management issues on an off for most of our mariage and I have always been supportive through rehabilitation and even attended AA meetings and family days at any facility he went to. During his times of using he admitted to being with other women and I would always take him back and put the peices of ourlives back together again not just for my children but because I truly love him. We have been together since we were 17 years old married at 19 and our first child and the the first round of subsance abuse came when we were 21. I thought that I would be able to reconcile with this time.....like any other time in the past....but his time is different he has completely changed as a person, his appearance, his personality, his unwillingness to be open and honest abuout his thoughts and feelings, and the anger and rage is to the point that I and my children are in fear at times. I would love nothing more than my marriage to be resotred but I fear there is to much damamge hs been done. I have an appointment with a divorce attorney tomorrow and I am terified of taking this step.....I am lost to the point that the depression is consuming every aspect of my life. Has anyone gone through anything like this before that could offer words of hope or encouragement?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Hopeless_in_LA said:


> Hello all! My husband of 20 years told me in March that the woman he had been having an affair with during a substance abuse bout was pregnant, to say I was devistated is an understatement. A little background.....Our marriage has been a rocky road we have gone through many tirals. We lost 3 children before birth and there is a 13 year differnece between our 2 children. My husband has battled substance abuse and anger management issues on an off for most of our mariage and I have always been supportive through rehabilitation and even attended AA meetings and family days at any facility he went to. During his times of using he admitted to being with other women and I would always take him back and put the peices of ourlives back together again not just for my children but because I truly love him. We have been together since we were 17 years old married at 19 and our first child and the the first round of subsance abuse came when we were 21. I thought that I would be able to reconcile with this time.....like any other time in the past....but his time is different he has completely changed as a person, his appearance, his personality, his unwillingness to be open and honest abuout his thoughts and feelings, and the anger and rage is to the point that I and my children are in fear at times. I would love nothing more than my marriage to be resotred but I fear there is to much damamge hs been done. I have an appointment with a divorce attorney tomorrow and I am terified of taking this step.....I am lost to the point that the depression is consuming every aspect of my life. Has anyone gone through anything like this before that could offer words of hope or encouragement?


@Hopeless_in_LA Welcome to TAM. It’s sad that you find yourself here.

Its unfortunate when the people we love don’t love us back. I was like you, reconciling with my wife every time she was unfaithful. I thought I was being the strong one, the one who showed how much he loved her.

In truth, just like you, it became unreconcilable. All you and I did was let them treat us like garbage.

But now you’re getting out of that situation. Bravo, you will have a brighter future ahead. It hurts like h3ll now but it will pass. You’ll get there just be strong.

How old are your kids?
Do you have friends, church, or family who can help support you during this time?

Your hubby isn’t worth your tears. Let the ***** have him. Focus on yourself and your kids now, he’s gone.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Maybe have a look at this thread. You _can_ be happy again.









Gone from being suicidal to never been happier ……


Just thought I would share my story. In a nutshell, found out my husband was having an affair for a few years back in 2012. I tried absolutely everything to get him back but in summary we got divorced eventually in 2018. I honestly thought I would never be the same again. I left the marriage...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

I have a daughter that absolutely destroyed herself with drugs...She doesn't have any children but if she did I would have them taken away and raise them myself. Your husband has now gotten another woman pregnant. Who will raise that child 🤔 ? 
People that choose drugs only care about drugs... How dysfunctional your household must be. Your own children see this and are being taught that this is the way life is...But it isn't. And you know it. 
Yes definitely file for divorce immediately. It doesn't even matter if he cares for you or not , he cares more for his active addiction. Because he has no choice.. Dope runs his life , just like my kid.

Run....it will not get Better , until he gets better 

Sorry you are here. I've personally been dealing with this dynamic for 12 yrs. 

Your kids are more important than dope. But not to him only to you.

What's the deal breaker for you ?


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## Hopeless_in_LA (3 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> @Hopeless_in_LA Welcome to TAM. It’s sad that you find yourself here.
> 
> Its unfortunate when the people we love don’t love us back. I was like you, reconciling with my wife every time she was unfaithful. I thought I was being the strong one, the one who showed how much he loved her.
> 
> ...


I am active in my church and have a great support group of friends. I dont have an familiy just one sister who lives over a thousand miles away. my kids are great expecially my oldest who is 18 he has been such a help with his sister who is 4 on the days that I have been unable tobe at my best for them. I know that things have to get better it is just so hard to come to terms with the one person that you have devoted your entire life to is not willing to see how much you love them and how much you've given. How could that same person show so much cruelty to someone who has had their back for 22 years no matterwhat.


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## Hopeless_in_LA (3 mo ago)

Jimi007 said:


> I have a daughter that absolutely destroyed herself with drugs...She doesn't have any children but if she did I would have them taken away and raise them myself. Your husband has now gotten another woman pregnant. Who will raise that child 🤔 ?
> People that choose drugs only care about drugs... How dysfunctional your household must be. Your own children see this and are being taught that this is the way life is...But it isn't. And you know it.
> Yes definitely file for divorce immediately. It doesn't even matter if he cares for you or not , he cares more for his active addiction. Because he has no choice.. Dope runs his life , just like my kid.
> 
> ...


I think the deal breaker for me is the baby and the unwillingness to give up drugs if not for me but for our children. I was aksed to raise the babay because the OW is expected to go to jail from the hospital after delivery for 2 reasons she is in active drug use while preganat and she has outstanding warrants for drug trafficing and prostitution. I have a job that requires a high moral standard and I am not like him I have never done drugs never cheated, because of my job i wont even have a drink at dinner with friends.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Are you going to raise his love child ?
That's a lot to put on you...It's also a huge slap in the face ....Did your husband ask you to do this ? It adds insult to injury.


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## Hopeless_in_LA (3 mo ago)

Jimi007 said:


> Are you going to raise his love child ?
> That's a lot to put on you...It's also a huge slap in the face ....Did your husband ask you to do this ? It adds insult to injury.


Yes I was asked. The mother is not able as she is still using drugs and facing prison time. That's not something that I think I am mentally able to do. I understand that the baby is an innocent in all of this but I don't think I could handle a daily reminder of his betrayal.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Why in any universe would you want to live your life this way? You have only one life. When you are finally free of this environment, you will regret not take these steps sooner. Please take care of yourself. And tell us what you "love" about a drug addict serial cheater who has now knocked up another druggie? Many people confuse habit with love. Think about it.


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## Hopeless_in_LA (3 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> Why in any universe would you want to live your life this way? You have only one life. When you are finally free of this environment, you will regret not take these steps sooner. Please take care of yourself. And tell us what you "love" about a drug addict serial cheater who has now knocked up another druggie? Many people confuse habit with love. Think about it.


I have asked myself the same question over and over again. I've told myself that I was hanging on for my kids and because I truly believe that marriage is a sacred bond made not only with your spouse but with God. I know that life is to short to live this way and that is hitting me harder than ever now that my oldest child is getting ready to graduate and leave for college. 
I have always seen the good iny husband because when he has had the 2-4 years of sobriety here and there he is a completely different person ( a loving caring provider) and I have held out hope that that person would stay and the person that he is when using would disappear.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Hopeless_in_LA said:


> Yes I was asked. The mother is not able as she is still using drugs and facing prison time. That's not something that I think I am mentally able to do. I understand that the baby is an innocent in all of this but I don't think I could handle a daily reminder of his betrayal.


I agree...it not the child's fault , it your husband's fault. I wouldn't do that to yourself. For your own mental stability , I would let the child go into the system and hopefully be adopted by a loving family. 

I would also seek a divorce. I mean how much more are you supposed to take ?

You talk of God and your faith , do you really think this is what he wants for you ? I think not .

Your husband made the specific decisions / choices to defile your marriage .


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Hopeless_in_LA said:


> Yes I was asked. The mother is not able as she is still using drugs and facing prison time. That's not something that I think I am mentally able to do. I understand that the baby is an innocent in all of this but I don't think I could handle a daily reminder of his betrayal.


Please, please, please don't do that to yourself. I know the mother in you has a strong urge to care, but that isn't your baby and you need as little contact with your husband. I believe the less time you interact with your husband (STBXH) the better off you will be.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I fear that when he dies or finally succeeds in flipping the switch in you that finally stops your love, you will have wasted your life and not had the opportunity to meet a man that reciprocates your feelings, which is a wondrous thing to experience.


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## Hopeless_in_LA (3 mo ago)

Update.....I hired the attorney. I have felt like the world is closing in around me since. I know that it is time but it is so hard to get my heart and mind on the same page. Years and years of mental and emotional abuse is so hard to break free from.....


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Hopeless_in_LA said:


> Update.....I hired the attorney. I have felt like the world is closing in around me since. I know that it is time but it is so hard to get my heart and mind on the same page. Years and years of mental and emotional abuse is so hard to break free from.....


Bravo, you’re doing the right thing. It takes strength to do this, and you’re doing it. One step at a time. The world does get a little harder for a while but it’s the right thing to do. Now just put one foot in front of the other for a while and let your lawyer lead you through this.

Get closer to that support system you mentioned earlier. Lean on other people, try to stay active and social with others for a while. Force yourself to do that. Isolation now is bad and will make things worse for you.


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