# Should 'self servicing' be a secret?



## wife1983 (Mar 20, 2011)

Ok I give up. I am not going to waste anymore tears over this. I am now only interested in myself. If he ever has a change of heart and decides to join me he will always be welcome but I cannot fight this situation anymore. It hurts too much!

My big issue is a lack of privacy we share a bed and I have nowhere in the house to call my own. I also feel very awkward 'self servicing' when he is around. Normally I go to bed before he does so I can 'self-service' before he comes to bed - but I feel like a naughty child freezing at every sound of movement I hear coming from his room knowing that any minute he could be coming to bed which means I would have to stop. (quick question- if you were a normal red blooded man who just walked into a closed room - would you know if your wife had been self-servicing?) I have tried when he is asleep but I just felt too self conscious to relax enough!

It is getting to the stage where if he says I am going out for an hour or so - my first thoughts now are hurray I have some alone time where I can completely relax and let myself go without worrying about being caught. Then I am back dressed and unruffled when he gets home! It is honestly like having an illicit affair!

Now I am tired of this and have been playing with the idea of getting some toys to use (my imagination is frequently letting me down! I keep getting hit with bouts of despair when I try to fantasize us being a 'normal' couple which kills the mood! Plus relying on my imagination takes a long time to work for me and I never know how much time I have available) Now I have read review comments about toys being noisy (even the silent ones) so any subtly about continuing doing this is secret will be more difficult. So I am trying to figure out how blatant I could be. If you were a man who is saying no to sex would you be offended/insulted/disgusted if you walked in on this?

Is it acceptable to self service when you partner is in bed with you? If he walks in on me should I feel compelled to stop or just blatantly keep going? I have never caught him doing it - I don't know if he even does anymore. I just have the overwhelming feeling that self servicing is something very private and when all other forms of sex is dead I don't feel like it can be shared like we used to. - that is the biggest irony of it all - he used to enjoy watching!


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

If your OH is turning you down for sex, you have every right to masturbate your little heart out.

If they don't sort themselves out they shouldn't be surprised when after a while you want to move on from the relationship.

I would masturbate to my hearts content.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

wife1983 said:


> I just have the overwhelming feeling that self servicing is something very private and when all other forms of sex is dead I don't feel like it can be shared like we used to. - that is the biggest irony of it all - he used to enjoy watching!


I agree with Syrum. If he is denying you, and you want to stay in this marraige, God help you, it wouldnt work for me! BUt if this works for you, DO it , be bold about it - see how he reacts, arent you curious? I would at least ONE time be doing it so he could see, I would want to see what he had to say!! Try to pull him into it again, like old times, tease him. 

I think you & he need to sit down & have a heart to heart about this. Ask him outright, what happened, what changed, ask him if you can do anything to jump start his desire, let him know you want to be with him, this is important in marraige and outright ask him if he is masterbating? Watching porn ? 

Chances are, he is still doing it . What are your ages? 

If he has Lower Test levels that interfere with his desire, he would have other symptoms as well, like falling asleep after work, having brain fog, just feel "beat" all the time. If the man has alot of energy, chances are he is defininitely masterbating -and you are not aware, just as you are trying to hide from him. 

Does he take any Depression meds, blood pressure meds, diebetes meds? These things can also mess with his desire & functionability. Has he been struggling with ED at all ? If so, -maybe he is too embarrased to be with you- fear of failing? These things are very very fragile for the man. But so many aids to help men. It needs to be talked about.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

I think masturbation is either a private activity or an activity that is shared with a participating partner - whether just watching and getting aroused or more actively participating. 

I don't think there is any in between. Personally I would have no desire to masturbate with someone in the room knowing what i'm doing if they are not participating in some way. From your post it seems like you are in agreement with this so frankly i'm not sure what your question is.

If you are asking if it's ok to blatantly masturbate in front of your husband to make a point about not getting any sex then I would say that this is not a good way for partners to communicate about their problems. If it were me, i would not try to hide the fact that i'm doing it but i would do it in private unless he wants to participate in some way.


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## candice912 (Sep 4, 2010)

Yes, take care of yourself. As for keeping it a secret, well, that's your choice. Since you two used to be more open, it sounds like something has happened to cause this lack of safety about expressing one's needs openly. 

Again, do what you are comfortable with. However, this situation will only get worse without intervention. Have you two tried counseling? Why don't you feel safe to share your sexuality with him anymore. Perhaps you should try to have a conversation with him outside the bedroom and casually bring up the expectations. Do you want back what you had? Do you want to save your marriage? Then tell him that you want the two of you to make some changes in the marriage. Ask him if he is on board for doing what it takes to revitalize the marriage, counseling, date nights, etc, whatever it takes. You might try discussing your needs and see how he responds. Since you are asking here, I suspect you didn't ask your husband how he feels about it. That's lack of communication and will not help the situation. Sure, take care of yourself, irregardless of when this takes place. But give your marriage a fighting chance. Why not tell him? Maybe it will be a wakeup call he needs.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

As a guy... As Syrum said, if you're not getting your needs met (regardless of your gender), diddle your heart out. And as a guy, it would be a turn-on for me to see my wife masturbating.

But... As Candice says... I think there's bigger issues at work here. And masturbation will only fix the most obvious of the symptoms, and only temporally at that. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thunder65 (May 28, 2011)

You sound like the siuation that my wife and I are going through but I'm always interested. The only thing I can figure out that my wife must have a more intense orgasms from self servicing than I can give her. Anymore ideas from any female out there that has been through this. I'm at a loss.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Syrum said:


> If your OH is turning you down for sex, you have every right to masturbate your little heart out.
> 
> If they don't sort themselves out they shouldn't be surprised when after a while you want to move on from the relationship.
> 
> I would masturbate to my hearts content.


This is what I did when I went through that huge dry spell. He was aware but I mostly kept it private.

Eventually I fixed the problem and no longer have the need to go solo but it was a much needed solution.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

FWIW, my W knows I self serve, and it doesn't bother her, (a small part of me suspects that she prefers it that way) but I still feel a little silly for doing so. 

She and DD will be gone for a month, so I will have all the time to self serve.


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## e.p. (Jun 10, 2011)

>> Should 'self servicing' be a secret?

It shouldn't be, but sadly for many of us it is. It really depends on the tolerance of your partner. My wife finds it offensive.


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## Rough Patch Sewing (Apr 18, 2011)

Wife1983, has your husband offered an explanation as to why he is no longer interested in sex with you? If this is already known and accepted by both of you? What are the terms and expectations you have agreed to concerning this circumstance of sexual dis-continuance?

I ask these questions because in order for you to feel like you are viable member of the relationship there has to be agreement between the two of you concerning your sexual dynamic.

It seems like you are being held captive by your husband's lack of desire. I hope that these issues will be work out in your counseling. I can suggest that both of you check out Intimate Marriage because it talks about intimacy in many forms being vital to relationships. Intimacy is about trust, closeness, friendship, and being in accord with each other.

Once those issues are figured out you may not have to feel guilty about "self servicing" or perhaps bring togetherness in your own special intimacy into mutual fulfillment, what ever form of agreement it becomes.


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

wife1983 said:


> Ok I give up. I am not going to waste anymore tears over this. I am now only interested in myself. If he ever has a change of heart and decides to join me he will always be welcome but I cannot fight this situation anymore. It hurts too much!
> 
> My big issue is a lack of privacy we share a bed and I have nowhere in the house to call my own. I also feel very awkward 'self servicing' when he is around. Normally I go to bed before he does so I can 'self-service' before he comes to bed - but I feel like a naughty child freezing at every sound of movement I hear coming from his room knowing that any minute he could be coming to bed which means I would have to stop. (quick question- if you were a normal red blooded man who just walked into a closed room - would you know if your wife had been self-servicing?) I have tried when he is asleep but I just felt too self conscious to relax enough!
> 
> ...


This is off topic, but there are waterproof toys you can use in the shower. Some even look just like a rubber ducky! This may be a good way to get off without the possibility of being interupted. & don't forget to lock the bathroom door.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Ok, yeah, get a really nice waterproof vibe for the shower or bath. Then, noise isn't an issue and you can lock the bathroom door (unless you don't have a door to the master bath).

Have you tried reading erotica? That can help get ya horny and you wouldn't be relying on your own imaginiation.

If you have a lock on your bedroom door you can always tell him you are going to have some alone time and you'll see him in 30 minutes (or whatever). Go do your thing without worry. You can use music to drown out any noise you might make or any toy might make.

You will have to deal with the sexual issues with your husband, but maybe some of these ideas can help you in the mean time. Sorry you are going through this.

Masturbating is nothing to be ashamed about. But, I don't think it is bad for it to be kept a private thing.

If you decide to do it in bed while he is there and he happens to wake up and ask what you are doing you could always playfully say you are gettin' some and ask if he wants to join.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

wife1983 said:


> Ok I give up. I am not going to waste anymore tears over this. I am now only interested in myself. If he ever has a change of heart and decides to join me he will always be welcome but I cannot fight this situation anymore. It hurts too much!
> 
> My big issue is a lack of privacy we share a bed and I have nowhere in the house to call my own. I also feel very awkward 'self servicing' when he is around. Normally I go to bed before he does so I can 'self-service' before he comes to bed - but I feel like a naughty child freezing at every sound of movement I hear coming from his room knowing that any minute he could be coming to bed which means I would have to stop. (quick question- if you were a normal red blooded man who just walked into a closed room - would you know if your wife had been self-servicing?) I have tried when he is asleep but I just felt too self conscious to relax enough!
> 
> ...


I have done it many many many times right nxt to my H while he slept ( is a heavy sleeper most times). I have even done it after sex with him when he finished and went to sleep because I was sexually fustrated (not frustrated). 

I brought a vibe and told him about it. It peeked his interest. He started asking questions. Then wanted to watch as I used it which I wouldn't at first. He asked me if I took care of my and when i said very well he burst into laughter. 
I would say to please your self and if he walks in on it then keep going don't stop even if he walks out (because he maybe at the door listening. Hell let him know he can watch and get back to wk don't even look at him get into what you were feeling get off and back to taking care of the house and kids.


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## Bobo (Jun 2, 2011)

I am open with my wife about my self pleasuring activities. I do it in private. She doesn't have an issue with it and it helps me deal with her low libido. 

I personally love it when a female masturbates and I wish she shared my passion for sex. Mutual masturbation is a very fun activity too. Some men and women are not very openminded though and you might just need to live with it.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

PBear said:


> as a guy, it would be a turn-on for me to see my wife masturbating.


ditto

i say dont hide it.
do it right after you both go to bed when you know he is still awake but dont say anything to him.
he may decide to join in.
if he says anything about it tell him he is more that welcome to give you a hand.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

The missus has a high sex drive so I don't really mind her going about her business - sometimes I even thank the gods for it! However, if she catches me... it's a different story! Unless of course I'm doing it 'under her supervision' -.-


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Syrum said:


> If your OH is turning you down for sex, you have every right to masturbate your little heart out.
> 
> If they don't sort themselves out they shouldn't be surprised when after a while you want to move on from the relationship.
> 
> I would masturbate to my hearts content.


:iagree::iagree:


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## waitwhat (Jun 12, 2011)

How about if you go shopping for the vibrator and bring it home and take it out of the bag and put the batteries in it and then go put it away in the bedroom right in front of him. See what he says about that! 
My husband bought us a vibrator for valentine's day one year. I didn't tell him I used it alone. Eventually he noticed that the little bag we keep it in had shifted or some b.s. like that and asked me if I was enjoying some alone time. He was pretty jacked when I told him yes and then ruined it by asking me if I fantasized about him and I said no. That really pissed him off. I don't know why I didn't lie. Yes I do. I didn't lie because I didn't want him to think I want him more than I do, thus making 2 lies! Then he started mentioning to me when the bag was moved and asking me about it and that really pissed me off. I don't know why, but I feel it's an invasion of my privacy. Now I am verrry careful to put the bag back just right! 
Honestly, I just want to be in control of my sexuality sometimes rather than the man being in control of it. It's glorious.


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## fhg1893 (Jun 25, 2011)

"Masturbation is cheap, clean, convenient, and free of any possibility of wrongdoing — and you don't have to go home in the cold. But it's lonely."
- Robert A. Heinlein 

Heinlein is right on the money as usual. 

There's a plethora of toys out there, you should feel well within your rights to find one you like, and use it.

Keep in mind that it IS a stop-gap, it doesn't replace intimacy or connection. Eventually, it becomes just something you do to get through those days when you can't have what you really want. 

None of that should stop you.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

waitwhat said:


> How about if you go shopping for the vibrator and bring it home and take it out of the bag and put the batteries in it and then go put it away in the bedroom right in front of him. See what he says about that!
> My husband bought us a vibrator for valentine's day one year. I didn't tell him I used it alone. Eventually he noticed that the little bag we keep it in had shifted or some b.s. like that and asked me if I was enjoying some alone time. He was pretty jacked when I told him yes and then ruined it by asking me if I fantasized about him and I said no. That really pissed him off. I don't know why I didn't lie. Yes I do. I didn't lie because I didn't want him to think I want him more than I do, thus making 2 lies! Then he started mentioning to me when the bag was moved and asking me about it and that really pissed me off. I don't know why, but I feel it's an invasion of my privacy. Now I am verrry careful to put the bag back just right!
> Honestly, I just want to be in control of my sexuality sometimes rather than the man being in control of it. It's glorious.



Your next step is buy the exact same toy and use that one instead and never jiggle the original toy bag.

Mind trips!


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## waitwhat (Jun 12, 2011)

I TOTALLY agree!!


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## borninapril (Jun 6, 2011)

I don't think it's a problem, but I do have a problem with how often my wife does it. I'll use last weekend as an example. We didn't have sex Friday night, but she masturbated. Saturday I had to worked, she masturbated that afternoon. We had sex Saturday night and two hours later she masturbated. Sunday I had to work and she masturbated that afternoon. It's almost a daily thing for, which I don't mind except for the fact that she doesn't want sex with me and when we have talked about whether everything is fine or not she always says it OK. So I'm not sure if she's lying (I really hope not) or if she's just over-sexed or something.


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## frustated (Jun 24, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> ditto
> 
> i say dont hide it.
> do it right after you both go to bed when you know he is still awake but dont say anything to him.
> ...


I took matters into my own hands last night after the cold shoulder treatment, first time while she was present. She got up and went to her room before i could ask her if she could give me a hand with this.


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## frustated (Jun 24, 2011)

frustated said:


> I took matters into my own hands last night after the cold shoulder treatment, first time while she was present. She got up and went to her room before i could ask her if she could give me a hand with this.


took matters into my own hands again while she was present with different results ( see she orgasms but does not like sex)and the discussion began. I explained to her that most men start masturbating around 12 years old. I told her that her son will probably masturbate until he get married unless he marries someone like you. A little cruel but I made my point.


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## marriedwithkids1 (Nov 10, 2010)

for the most part my H is the higher drive person. 

he usually goes to our living room and does it on the cauch when i am asleep. I am only pissed when he could have had me instead. Since i am only intermittantly available though i understand if he gets himself off. 

If you can be comfortable in the tub that seems to be a good option. You may want to let him know subtly (or not your call) that he is welcome to come in and wash your back, perhaps he may surprise you. Lock the door and knock yourself out. 

PS I am not sure i fully understand your situation though. Is he simply not intersted. If he has low testosterone maybe he is gunshy that he will not 'rise to the occasion" Has ed ever been a problem? 

How is the rest of your relationship?


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## marriedwithkids1 (Nov 10, 2010)

And as others have mentioned what about mutual masturbation. is this an option.


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## frustated (Jun 24, 2011)

frustated said:


> took matters into my own hands again while she was present with different results ( see she orgasms but does not like sex)and the discussion began. I explained to her that most men start masturbating around 12 years old. I told her that her son will probably masturbate until he get married unless he marries someone like you. A little cruel but I made my point.


she came to bed last night and i asked for a kiss she said she was too tired? Took matters into my own hands again, she told me if i have to do that i should of done it before she came to bed, I ignored her cold shoulder and continued. She finally reached over and tried to stop me, but did not offer an alternative so i continued. After about 15 minutes she turned over and finished the job for me. A little progress one day at a time.


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## njmom (Jul 7, 2011)

You say that he used to enjoy watching. Do you know for sure that he doesn't still? You may have some hangups about it yourself. When you use a euphemism like "self-servicing" you're distancing yourself from the act. The word is "masturbation." It's a perfectly good word, and nothing to be ashamed of -- either doing it or saying it. If you could get over your feeling that masturbation is private, and to be hidden from him, them maybe you could do it in front of him, which would ease your frustration, and maybe stir his libido. It doesn't need to be some porn star extravaganza with multiple toys. Just masturbate yourself to a nice gentle orgasm under the covers as he lies next to you one night. Or if that seems too bold, go to bed early, have a good orgasm, and drift off to sleep with the covers tossed aside, your nightgown hiked up, your panties around your ankles, and your hand at your crotch. He shouldn't need an interpreter to decipher that picture.


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## Soupnutz (Jul 6, 2011)

I have an intensely high sex drive and wife can't keep up, I mean, I'll masturbate before sex, have two orgasms during sex then masturbate again a few minutes later while she's trying to go to sleep. After sex, with her back turned to me, I'll dry hump her from behind to get off, she's never complained. If we're taking a shower or a bath together and she doesn't feel like having sex, I'll watch her and masturbate. It used to bother her because she said it made her feel like she couldn't satisfy me and that she wasn't doing her job. I explained to her about that not being the case and that I just have a hyper-sex drive. 

If she's asleep I'll try not to wake her up, but I've never tried to hide the fact that I'm doing it. She says that it doesn't bother her anymore and sometimes she will help me out. My wife doesn't masturbate herself, she's tried to get into it but says that she just can't. Wouldn't bother me one bit if she did, I would offer to help or probably watch and masturbate myself, however, I would ask and if she wanted privacy, I would give it to her.

I'm actually deployed right now and she says that she wants to try masturbating more, I'm thinking about ordering her a toy or two to try out. She's embarassed to go to a store by herself or ask a friend to go with her. She won't use anything internally though.


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## piqued (Mar 25, 2010)

I'd stop trying to hide like a schoolgirl. If you're masturbating and he comes in, don't be embarrassed and don't stop. Maybe you can even say, "F*&k me if you want". If he has a pulse he'll be all over you. And, if not, just go about what you're doing. He can leave, watch, join, whatever...but don't you be embarrassed. If by chance it shocks him to the point of him wanting to talk about it right then and there, then you can calmly tell him that you still have a drive and if he's not interested in sex, that's ok, but then you're going to, ahem, take things into your own hands.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I think its hot when mine pets her kitty. Just as long as doesn't expect me to not join.


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