# What to get wife for Vanentine's Day in sexless marriage



## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

I can't remember the last time I saw her in lingerie. So that's not on my list but what can I get her at the local Victoria Secret store that's more practicle vs not. Any other ideas?
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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I wouldn't buy her much of anything romantic / sexual for Valentines Day if she isn't having sex with you. That's just going to reinforce her perception that she still has you hooked in emotionally and she doesn't have to have sex with you to do it.

If you're in a relationship where you have to give and she doesn't have to, then that's abusive to you isn't it?

You're far more likely to get laid on Valentine's Day if you ask for "space".


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Tell her you want to date her on V. Day. She should make up and dress up. 
Bring her out for a nice dinner, a place she really likes to dine, and buy her a gift she really likes, maybe ear rings? Pretend she's your gf and date her.
To get laid, you might need some help from alcohole. So make sure you ordered a wine she really likes and she is happy about the date.
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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

Atholk said:


> I wouldn't buy her much of anything romantic / sexual for Valentines Day if she isn't having sex with you. That's just going to reinforce her perception that she still has you hooked in emotionally and she doesn't have to have sex with you to do it.
> 
> If you're in a relationship where you have to give and she doesn't have to, then that's abusive to you isn't it?
> 
> You're far more likely to get laid on Valentine's Day if you ask for "space".


that's the point of my post. I want to get her something from VS even if it's just socks. But socks is more of a stocking stuffer. But you get my drift.
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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Huge mistake to get her anything. The romance/sex is currently dead. If you pretend otherwise she will take that as a message that you are "ok" with the status quo. 

Far better to acknowledge that you have nothing to celebrate on VD than to play a "pretend" game. 

In fact the absolute best thing to do is to say up front "I don't want to do anything for VD. Please don't get me anything".





Hurra said:


> that's the point of my post. I want to get her something from VS even if it's just socks. But socks is more of a stocking stuffer. But you get my drift.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

1) A gift from VS would be silly and probably just spite on your end, so skip that. 

2) I would suggest saying right out loud to her that you see no reason to celebrate Valentines Day because the lack of sex is extinguishing most, if not all, of your love. VDay is for lovers. 

3) If you absolutely MUST buy her something, I would suggest a mop.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

WTH!

Don't understand why ppl suggested to have no VD, knowing it would end up in fighting. 

She's your wife, no matter sex or sexless, she's your lover. She's your choice. Love your choice or divorce her.

Without her, you're just half.

If she's sick with a low sex drive, it's not her fault.
If she's low sex drive because she can't find emotional connection with you, it's your fault.
Please understand without emotional connection, women find sex very boring.


All the women want to get married to her beloved prince and have a happy marriage life ever since. 

No woman wants to marry to a prince, dreaming about her wedding since her childhood, and hopes for a sexless marriage. Being sexless isn't a thing that she has planned.

If you don't want to celebrate VD with your wife, it's better you divorce her now and let her go celebrate with someone else.

Why must you make her marriage life miserable to make yourself feel better?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

If he "feeds" her totally selfish behavior he will get more of it. She isn't "sick" she is indifferent to HIS needs. 

VD is a "privilege" not a right. 

And it may provoke a fight. Good. SOME things are worth fighting for. 



MsLonely said:


> WTH!
> 
> Don't understand why ppl suggested to have no VD, knowing it would end up in fighting.
> 
> ...


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

You can't fight for sexless issue in this way. If I have done it this way.(by making the spouse feel the entire marriage doesn't worth a VD celebration.) my sexual life today would have remained sexless.
Sexless issue should be resolved in a more peaceful way without creating more damages in marriage. It requires a happy timing that both are ready to listen & communicate.
Who said married couples must have sex on V. Day?
What if I still have my menstruation and I don't want sex?
So pls don't encourage ppl do silly things and cause more damages.
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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Sex is a happy thing, the more you fight with anger the unhappier sex becomes and the less likely sex will happen.
There are still many things in marriage worths VD celebration, not only sex, pls! There's no such rule that you must get laid on VD!
What I believe is if you make this day very romantic and touching with a surprise, when she feels loved and cherished, she will happy to make love with you.
Don't fight with her on VD, not a wise choice.
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## danavince (Nov 19, 2009)

I don't know what the issues are in your marriage that are resulting in it being sexless, but often times women need emotional connection in order to feel a desire toward sex. Do you have children? If so, taking the kids for a day and getting her a gift certificate to a spa so she can have some time for herself is often a great gift for any overworked mother. 
If you two are feeling disconnected from one another, I would agree that a nice date night might help to start reconnecting. Your marriage might need more help than what valentine's day could provide, but these are just some starting points. 
If you are looking to get something specifically from Victoria Secret, I would focus on pampering her rather than looking at what would benefit you. This will more likely result in her feeling inspired to have sex with you, if she feels like you care about how she is feeling. So maybe some bath stuff, or comfy pj's that make her feel loved and cared for.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

something that demonstrates you listen to and understand her will go a longer way to open her heart to you if thats what you want. Get her a friggin card that says all she has been wanting to hear from you (and mean it), then go about your day with no pressure and no expectations, then the ball is totally in her court.


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

janesmith said:


> something that demonstrates you listen to and understand her will go a longer way to open her heart to you if thats what you want. Get her a friggin card that says all she has been wanting to hear from you (and mean it), then go about your day with no pressure and no expectations, then the ball is totally in her court.


No one understands minus Mem. 

I just don't want to get laid. I want that emotional connection. My wife is not into sex like she was before marriage. She just lies there in bed and participates very little. We have had sex once in the past 4-5 months. I do all the foreplay and actions. I spoke to her about this before and she told me to tell her what I want her to do. I don't want to tell her how to want me. She did quite alright before marriage. 

We do the fancy nights out, I go beyond the call of duty as a husband. We don't have kids so that's not an issue. 

I am not trying to deprive my wife of VD. But getting her something sexy to wear is pointless. I've given her enough jewerley to make Cash for Gold survive for months.

Maybe a set of pajamas or something, more of a practacle gift.
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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Hurra,
I don't intend to be tiresome on this point. I do think that you need to understand something though. A "gift" is a certain type of message. A gift on VD links that "ILY" to a part of your marriage that is dead. 

If you are insistent on doing something - a card that says something like "I miss you" will make the point. You have already proved and reproved and then proved again that giving her gifts does not improve her love/desire for you. 

Truly you sound "too" nice. 

BTW - Last year was hands down my/our lowest sexual frequency year in 21 years. Average maybe a bit over once a week. I have tweaked a few behavioral things though and we are back in a very good place. 

I bet your W "wants" to feel passion also. Gifts don't get her there. Perhaps try a competitive game/sport.

As for "arguing/fighting" if you skip the gift - that is simply not going to happen. If she does complain/comment about the lack of a gift you merely need to look surprised and ask her "why would you possibly want to celebrate a holiday that is all about romance and desire when that part of our marriage is currently hibernating"? 

One sure way to keep the passion "dead/asleep" is to convey that this total lack of intimacy is ok with you. And the best way to do that is via any gift on VD. 

My guess - your W NEEDS some level of either excitement or friction to feel desire. The friction does not have to be a fight, it does however require some level of "conflict"





Hurra said:


> No one understands minus Mem.
> 
> I just don't want to get laid. I want that emotional connection. My wife is not into sex like she was before marriage. She just lies there in bed and participates very little. We have had sex once in the past 4-5 months. I do all the foreplay and actions. I spoke to her about this before and she told me to tell her what I want her to do. I don't want to tell her how to want me. She did quite alright before marriage.
> 
> ...


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Huge mistake to get her anything. The romance/sex is currently dead. If you pretend otherwise she will take that as a message that you are "ok" with the status quo.
> 
> Far better to acknowledge that you have nothing to celebrate on VD than to play a "pretend" game.
> 
> In fact the absolute best thing to do is to say up front "I don't want to do anything for VD. Please don't get me anything".


Best advice - say it very sweetly. She will probably ask why so, be prepared. Say something neutral or if you think it is useful, you may say something like "well do you think it's appropriate" and leave it that" say it nicely with a smile. I don't think this is wrong, the day symbolizes romance and connection, is that what your experience is with your wife. You are being authentic and true to yourself. That the way I see it. 

Why are you staying in this misery? If she were abusing you, there would be no question about what to do yet you stay in an emotionally abusive relationship. if you are sure that your wife understand the emotional toll this is taking and she still ignores you, then i think it is abuse. I am all for staying and trying to make changes but if you have done that and it appears to be intractable then make plans to accordingly. I have read on the forum of many men in your situation and they seem think that they should not leave" just for sex". 

You can see by the majarity of the respones so far how little people understand. No wonder men are confused. Truth is not decid.ed on by a vote of the people but by the preponderance of evidence. If this were not so we woud still the world was flat. These men don't even understand themselves. It's not "just sex", thats what most people think, but you and many others know better. What you are feeling is not trivial it is personally devastating I am sure. So if you view it that way what are you going to do? 

That is my opinion only and based on my experience. Please understand that many women do not know or understand what men feel, read up on it yourself so you understand why You feel as you do. It validates you and will help you to communicate and make better decions. I speak from personal experience therefore you may get better advice here (pardon my spelling and grammatical errors I sick of proofing it)
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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

like i said. if you want to get her something, get a card and keep it moving, then the rest is up to her. good luck dude


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Sex is a happy thing, the more you fight with anger the unhappier sex becomes and the less likely sex will happen.
> There are still many things in marriage worths VD celebration, not only sex, pls! There's no such rule that you must get laid on VD!
> What I believe is if you make this day very romantic and touching with a surprise, when she feels loved and cherished, she will happy to make love with you.
> Don't fight with her on VD, not a wise choice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have to agree with Mslonely here!

Sexual desire comes from a happy heart. You are happy with the man, you are happy with the life you have with him, then sexual desire is there. 

I have been paying attention to some posts here, the men think they are doing a lot in the marriage, but they don't understand why their wives are not happy. They forget one important thing, women are emotional. Women need to be constantly seduced by their husbands so they feel the butterflies are there. And the men have to give them constant attention and love! 

My husband wouldn't suggest fighting either if it is just for sex. The more you fight, the more resentment she has, the less sexual she becomes. 

If you want her to be a porn star in bed, you have to be a stud too!


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Hurra said:


> I just don't want to get laid. I want that emotional connection.


That is why she owns you so completely and has such total disinterest in you. All the nice stuff you do for her is driving her interest in you further and further down.

If you hadn't noticed a lot of women respond sexually to men that don't really care about them. You are just too nice and that is what is ruining your marriage for you.

The irony is by being less nice to her, she will more likely return to interest in you and establish a sexual and emotional connection.

Why And How Nice Guys Strategize To Screw Themselves Out Of Sex And Happiness

Married Man Sex Life: Nice Guy


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Atholk said:


> If you hadn't noticed a lot of women respond sexually to men that don't really care about them. You are just too nice and that is what is ruining your marriage for you.
> 
> The irony is by being less nice to her, she will more likely return to interest in you and establish a sexual and emotional connection.



Boredom and routine usually kill the romantic feeling. 

Being too nice might be boring for her, she needs to be challenged!

But don't know if being less nice can win her heart! 

Tough topic!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

"Less Nice" does not, and should not be taken to mean be a jerk instead.

If your first instinct is to open your mouth and say something sweet, loving, or compassionate, or hope to gauge her interest in you ... then don't open your mouth.

Although, having said that, I do advocate exploring your inner jerk if all you are familiar with is your inner nice guy.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I am reading this book, the writer said that people like to be challenged, when they don't need to work hard to have what is needed in life, they become bored, and boredom is the main reason why some women cheat! 

Ants are busy, but they are happy! They have to work hard to get what they need. 

So how can you make her or him work constantly to get your love?

Your love is there, but she has to work hard to get it! Please don't just give! Vice versa!


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

I say get her something to perform your duty--flowers, chocolate, whatever, but don't put a lot of effort or emotion into it. Get a generic card, a generic box of chocolates. This says that you still value your marriage but that you're not going to pour your soul into a marriage that's spiritually lifeless.

Do NOT waste any energy on a romantic surprise, vacation getaway, or heartfelt ANYTHING. You do not feel romance for her so don't try to fake it in an attempt to get sex.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> the more you fight with anger the unhappier sex becomes and the less likely sex will happen.


I don't know about that lol - depends on the couple!
As long as the fights in question are meaningless not the serious ones that is. Then again that's not really fights, more like foreplay.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

How do you define "making yourself challenging for women"???

Allow me ask ladies here:

What challenge would make you feel turned on when your man is:

1.Making you feel jealous and in a competition?

2. Being a jerk and dumbest asshol?

3.Acting cool and emotionless? 

Ladies, pls tell me what kind of challenge you would take? 

As for me, 
If it's just a game to have some sparks in the marriage, I only accept the jealousy game...yet, if my husband dare to tell me he's going to date other woman on Valentine's Day to make me feel jealous. That would be the dumbest jealousy game.

I would tell him, "Oh really? Have fun!" Acutally, I mean, "Get Lost!"

Then I will quickly date the other man as well.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

For those men who want to be challenging on Valentine's Day:

Guys, you can be challenging as much as you want but please don't be a jerk.

What you think challenging can be dumb in her views.

Being a dumb ass on V day and get her the cheapest gift, the main issue is, what if your woman doesn't buy it?

Well, you can try if you want. Please keep us updated. 
Many people are curious to know what would happen.

RandomDude, mind to be the first one to try as an experimental white mouse? I know you have balls to do it:

Bing an emotionless jerk on Valentine's Day, you just pick up a fight with her and get her the cheapest gift, a greeting card.

Then you see if she would give you a happy good fk with a good blow job...

LOL I don't know....... I think only the wife of RandomDude would empty his ballsack in any case.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> Bing an emotionless jerk on Valentine's Day, you just pick up a fight with her and get her the cheapest gift, a greeting card.


I do it all the time, be a complete ass all day, pretend I forgot about it, or whine about it lol, just being an *******.... but then surprising her with an ace up my sleeve (I have a knack for gifts), sweeping her off her feet wooing my way back into her good graces. :rofl:

V-day however, is a bore, because it's expected. No fun really.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> I do it all the time, be a complete ass all day, pretend I forgot about it, or whine about it lol, just being an *******.... but then surprising her with an ace up my sleeve (I have a knack for gifts), sweeping her off her feet wooing my way back into her good graces. :rofl:
> 
> V-day however, is a bore, because it's expected. No fun really.


Your wife must have a strong heart to go throgh this rollercoaster foreplay...

What are you going to do on V. Day?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Heh why else you reckon I'm stuck with her? Only woman who can handle me, others just couldn't handle the heat 

This V. Day? Meh, I'll worry about it when it comes lol
I just get bored real easy


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Heh why else you reckon I'm stuck with her? Only woman who can handle me, others just couldn't handle the heat
> 
> This V. Day? Meh, I'll worry about it when it comes lol



Yes, she's the only one who can handle you & knows how to...

You can't possible get away from her...lol I still remember how she got you back with a real whip!

Not sure if you're being lucky or unlucky...:scratchhead:

probably both?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Hey it's the first time I heard you get bored with your wife....

I thought she's always very challenging just like you.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

EDIT: Ne ways, let's not go off-topic 



> Hey it's the first time I heard you get bored with your wife....


Routine


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