# am i being greedy?!



## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

My husband and I are getting a divorce after 7.5 years of marriage after he admitted to two affairs and a one night stand. We have three children (11, 7, 1).
He makes nearly twice as much as me and is keeping our (5 BR, 2800 sqft) house because I can't afford the mortgage payment. Meanwhile, the mandated child support for our joint physical/legal custody agreement is barely enough for me to afford a small 3 BR home. My attorney advised I seek temporary spousal support (I don't qualify for long-term alimony b/c we haven't been married 10 years). But Husband says he can only afford to pay an extra $100. I requested an extra $300/month since he also won't be able to pay me equity from the home up front. I will make ends meet, but it will be tough. 
So, in summary...I just feel like I'm getting screwed over when he's the one who was unfaithful! But (soon-to-be ex-) Husband says I'm being greedy since he's not making as much money this year as he was last year. I really didn't want things to go to court since it will be even more costly. I don't really want him to sell the house to be able to pay me more since that would involve uprooting the kids even more. Should I just suck it up and take what he's offering?


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Does him keeping the house mean he's keeping all the equity too, or just the physical residence? If you are getting half the home equity then you have nothing to complain about if he decides to keep the property with the mortgage debt. You would have no more legal or ethical claim on the house. 

Regarding what the child support is, well that is determined by state law so it isn't really negotiable assuming he's paying the fair amount. 

So what you are basically saying is you want a man that is no longer going to be married to you to pay you more than half of the assets so you can avoid being responsible for your own debts and avoid living within your means?

How about just taking your share of the marital assets and figuring out a living situation that works with your budget? A smaller house, a different neighborhood, or an apartment are all reasonable choices.

Are you sure you're not trying to just punish him for his affairs by hitting him financially and using your bills as an excuse to justify your actions? Are you willing to risk a more expensive court battle that you might lose and end up in a worse financial position? 

BTW, I do agree you are getting screwed over by his cheating and it's unfair, and I sympathize with your situation. However, I am generally opposed to alimony except in extreme cases. At divorce you equitably divide your assets then each figure out how to handle your own budgets as newly single people. That's the fair way to handle it and the easiest way to make a clean break.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

If the house is jointly owned and he is staying in the house and the house was purchased with joint funds during the marriage, then he owes you 1/2 the equity in the house if he is keeping it. If the funds to purchase the house were not joint (for example, he put down $10,000 before you were married), then that money is not considered a joint asset and he does not have to pay you any portion of it. You are owed 1/2 the equity that was accumulated during the marriage and 1/2 of any downpayment made from joint funds. If you put your own money on the house, you are owed that outright. As bananapeel said, if you are paid the equity and he decides to keep the house, you have no claim on it.

Generally, if the spouse staying in the house can not afford to make a lump sum payment of equity, either a monthly payment is agreed upon until the equity is paid or the house is sold and the equity divided. This is why so often houses are sold during a divorce - because neither party has the cash to make the equity payment.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

It's only my opinion and should be taken for what it's worth, but I don't believe that kids become uprooted because they move into a different or smaller house. The uprooting occurs mainly if they are taken away from their support system, parents, grandparents, school, close friends. 

I wouldn't worry about whether your ex lives in a 5 bedroom house or a 1-bedroom tent. The important thing is that you have achieved a good joint custody and your kids have both a mom and dad still there for them. They have their entire lives to get "stuff" but they have only one childhood in which to get their parental guidance.

Whether or not you get another 100 bucks is, in the "big picture" pretty inconsequential.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Vcu118 said:


> My husband and I are getting a divorce after 7.5 years of marriage after he admitted to two affairs and a one night stand. We have three children (11, 7, 1).
> He makes nearly twice as much as me and is keeping our (5 BR, 2800 sqft) house because I can't afford the mortgage payment. Meanwhile, the mandated child support for our joint physical/legal custody agreement is barely enough for me to afford a small 3 BR home. My attorney advised I seek temporary spousal support (I don't qualify for long-term alimony b/c we haven't been married 10 years). But Husband says he can only afford to pay an extra $100. I requested an extra $300/month since he also won't be able to pay me equity from the home up front. I will make ends meet, but it will be tough.
> So, in summary...I just feel like I'm getting screwed over when he's the one who was unfaithful! But (soon-to-be ex-) Husband says I'm being greedy since he's not making as much money this year as he was last year. I really didn't want things to go to court since it will be even more costly. I don't really want him to sell the house to be able to pay me more since that would involve uprooting the kids even more. Should I just suck it up and take what he's offering?


Do you have a lawyer? I mean your own lawyer who is not also his lawyer?

And no, you are not being greedy.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

The reason we have laws for this sort of thing is that "fair" is not always obvious. In a divorce I believe you are morally obligated to be honest, and to not hold children "hostage", but otherwise get what you are legally entitled to get.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

Half the equity in the house is yours. He needs to refinance the home and pay you your half up front or agree to pay you a monthly sum until he’s paid you your half. No ifs, ands or buts. Do not agree to anything else.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Vcu118 said:


> My husband and I are getting a divorce after 7.5 years of marriage after he admitted to two affairs and a one night stand. We have three children (11, 7, 1).
> He makes nearly twice as much as me and is keeping our (5 BR, 2800 sqft) house because I can't afford the mortgage payment. Meanwhile, the mandated child support for our joint physical/legal custody agreement is barely enough for me to afford a small 3 BR home. My attorney advised I seek temporary spousal support (I don't qualify for long-term alimony b/c we haven't been married 10 years). But Husband says he can only afford to pay an extra $100. I requested an extra $300/month since he also won't be able to pay me equity from the home up front. I will make ends meet, but it will be tough.
> So, in summary...I just feel like I'm getting screwed over when he's the one who was unfaithful! But (soon-to-be ex-) Husband says I'm being greedy since he's not making as much money this year as he was last year. I really didn't want things to go to court since it will be even more costly. I don't really want him to sell the house to be able to pay me more since that would involve uprooting the kids even more. Should I just suck it up and take what he's offering?


Nah. Put the screws to him.

Make this the most expensive lesson he’ll ever learn.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Vcu118 said:


> My husband and I are getting a divorce after 7.5 years of marriage after he admitted to two affairs and a one night stand. We have three children (11, 7, 1).
> He makes nearly twice as much as me and is keeping our (5 BR, 2800 sqft) house because I can't afford the mortgage payment. Meanwhile, the mandated child support for our joint physical/legal custody agreement is barely enough for me to afford a small 3 BR home. My attorney advised I seek temporary spousal support (I don't qualify for long-term alimony b/c we haven't been married 10 years). But Husband says he can only afford to pay an extra $100. I requested an extra $300/month since he also won't be able to pay me equity from the home up front. I will make ends meet, but it will be tough.
> So, in summary...I just feel like I'm getting screwed over when he's the one who was unfaithful! But (soon-to-be ex-) Husband says I'm being greedy since he's not making as much money this year as he was last year. I really didn't want things to go to court since it will be even more costly. I don't really want him to sell the house to be able to pay me more since that would involve uprooting the kids even more. Should I just suck it up and take what he's offering?


Yes, I think you are being greedy. You are perfectly capable of having your own job and supporting yourself and your children. Child support is not meant to support YOU, it is extra help for supporting the children when they are at your house. Just because your ex makes more money than you do doesn't make you entitled to benefit from it in the form of spousal support after the marriage is over.

Keep in mind you have no control over what he does with the house after you divorce. He could turn around and sell it the next day, so don't count on there being stability for the kids if he gets it in the divorce. That may even be his plan and right now he's playing a sob story about how financially hard it will be for him to keep the house, so you'll agree to less equalization and little or no spousal because you want the kids to stay in the house. Then he'll sell the house, work hard again to go back to his previous income, and be sitting pretty paying you a monthly pittance that will take forever to reach what your equalization payout ought to have been.

The best thing to do would be to either get him to increase his mortgage so he can afford to buy you out of your share properly, or to sell it and split the proceeds properly. Then you get your equalization right away and can afford a better house. It's also better to have a clean split now, than stay financially entangled and rely on him slowly paying you back over time. He's already proven himself to be a lying, manipulative and unreliable person by cheating on you.

Unless you live in an at-fault state or had a solid prenup, his adultery doesn't have any bearing on how much money you get in equalization or spousal support. It's tempting to want to punish him via financial settlement because his actions feel unfair, but it is what it is and you have to accept that and move on within the law.

Do the equalization process fully and completely, with no lingering paying over time nonsense. If he still offers any spousal support after that, take it and be done, without court and lawyers sucking you both dry.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

I don't think you're greedy. I do think you'll do better if you re-evaluate your likely outcomes though.

So you had three kids in the last 12 years. That has likely meant a pretty significant amount of lost time in the workforce and an interrupted career several times. This is why women end up making less money than men. You're not atypical here. Three year's spousal support seems fair to me, and if you're eligible for it, go for it. After all, you were probably pregnant and/or out of work about 3 years total (assuming you had 3 or months of maternity per pregnancy). I am assuming here that you worked and weren't a SAHM (in which case, your set-back is even more extreme.)

I share @EleGirl's question on whether you are sharing a lawyer. If your H can't afford to pay you the equity now, I think it's best to force a sale of the house. The sooner you find stability, the quicker and better off you and your kids will be. There are hundreds of thousands of deadbeats on child/spousal support. Don't put yourself in a vulnerable position. 

IMO, part of your re-evaluation should include a serious look at how much weight and trust you give to your STBXH. He has demonstrated to you, several times over, that he is not trustworthy and he does not have your best interests at heart. I would not take anything he says personally, or as any kind of truth. 

You are getting divorced. Be fair but be firm. Talk to you lawyer and listen to him/her so that you know what is rightfully yours. As they like to say on TAM, he's fired you as a consultant and caretaker, so you no longer to have put his concerns on your radar. If you feel guilty just remember that he makes 3x what you make, he is in a better position than you to recover. He wants to be on his own, so send him off.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Here's a pure financial analysis of the situation. Numbers will have to be adjusted according to her specific situation, but this is a good framework on how to figure out what you should do. 

Assuming she was working and not a SAHM she probably got 6-12 weeks off per maternity leave, so figure 6 months of total time off from work. I don't know how long temporary alimony is but let's assume 6 to 36 months (need to ask her lawyer). He's offering $100 without a legal battle and she wants a legal battle for an extra $200. The total value of that extra that she's hoping for is going to be between $1200 and $7200, assuming the 6-36 month time frame is correct. But the judge could easily deny her request completely so she won't even get the $100 and will be out the legal fees that her lawyer charges. I personally wouldn't fight over this because the effort and expense is not worth the potential gains, especially when you factor in an added loss. 

To negotiate I'd look at length of time she'd request temporary alimony (e.g. 2 years at $300) and then offer her husband to settle at $100 for 3 or 4 years and not have a legal battle over it. This way they both win. He can keep to his $100/month that fits in his budget and she can drag more money out of him by extending the payment time. 

However, as I said originally I generally don't support alimony and she'd do better separating from him as completely as she can.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

You are not being greedy.

But I do think you should let go of emotional fallacies. Your kids won't be any more traumatized if both parents live in a different house. You should sell the house and get your equity out of it, or at least not give up your equity in the divorce, which means he only gets to remain in the house but you remain co-owner. If he sells it later, you get your half. But if you sell the house now, determine if your half can offset the need for spousal support and for how long.

You should also require that he get a life insurance policy naming the children as beneficiaries and you as their guardian. This way, the kids won't be destitute in the event of his untimely demise. He's paying child support until a certain age but if he were to die while they are still minors, you and they will be up a creek, so look out for their future in that respect. If he refuses to agree to this, courts have ordered insurance policies.

Also, I assume your attorney has discussed the costs of medical and extracurricular activities, but has he educated you on how your kids college will be paid? Or whether your husband will have to pay child support while they are in college?


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## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

well, that's the biggest thing. when he refinances in his name, he can't get a cash line to give me the equity that i'd be owed. so he would get to keep the equity. unless he agreed to pay me the equity that i'm entitled to when or if he ever sells the house.


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## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

to answer everyone's questions... if you're still following along, i do work. i have had the same job for years and really enjoy my job, which is why i don't want to quit. but i'm willing to try and find better pay if necessary. i did take maternity leave (in the u.s. so it wasn't a whole heck of a lot) of about 7 weeks for each child. I used equity from my previous home to put down on our current home. Husband doesn't qualify to cash out any equity to me. So he feels like since he's not getting any equity up front, then i shouldn't either. I did think about trying to negotiate half equity for when he sells the house (regardless of my time there), but I can forsee him never moving and then who knows when i'd get the money!
He also says he's not going to help pay for my legal fees. (for a smaller fee, he had the option to have my lawyer file his papers for him, but not necessarily represent him--if that makes sense--but he refused. so now he will either have no representation or will have to retain his own lawyer, which will be even more money.)
As for kids, he would be paying extracurriculars. 
The kids are on my medical insurance. 
We haven't discussed kids' college expenses very much. Child support would end when they're 18.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Tell him to eff off. What has your attorney done regarding forensic accounting? Do you know how much he has made over the years. A cheater like hat also messes with the money. Make him sell the house and you want half. Dont let him control you. He’s a pos.


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## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

i know how much he's made the past couple of years based on W-2s. But obviously, a cheater like that would never let me have access to his bank statements, so there's no telling what he has coming and going.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

I doesn't matter what your husband thinks or wants, you CAN force a sale of the house and split the proceeds 50/50. Get your own lawyer.


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## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

i see what you're saying, but it's not just what he wants. we both agreed we would keep the kids in the house, if possible, so at least ONE thing would remain stable for them. But having that extra 10-12k would be extremely helpful for getting back on my feet.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Vcu118 said:


> i see what you're saying, but it's not just what he wants. we both agreed we would keep the kids in the house, if possible, so at least ONE thing would remain stable for them. But having that extra 10-12k would be extremely helpful for getting back on my feet.


If you are going to do this then do not sign a quit claim on the house ... retain your ownership. That will also prevent him from putting an additional mortgage on the house without your signature.


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## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

well, if i do that, it will affect my ability to get my OWN house  I can't keep the mortgage in my name and then still get approved for another loan to get my own house. 
sigh... so many issues.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Vcu118 said:


> well, that's the biggest thing. when he refinances in his name, he can't get a cash line to give me the equity that i'd be owed. so he would get to keep the equity. unless he agreed to pay me the equity that i'm entitled to when or if he ever sells the house.


This is total bullcrap!

Make him sellmthe house!

Get your fair share now!


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## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

I told him, if he can't afford to give me equity, then he should just sell the house and we call it a day. He said I'm putting money over the kids' need for stability (by trying to keep them in at least one familiar residence. he also said...he's not getting 12k dollars cash equity, so why should I get equity up front. i tried to explain, it's because he's still going to be in the house earning even more equity! he expects me to hold out on the money until he sells the house. I don't even know how to handle this situation. My attorney is a shark and she wants to take him to court. I can't even afford all that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Vcu118 said:


> well, that's the biggest thing. when he refinances in his name, he can't get a cash line to give me the equity that i'd be owed. so he would get to keep the equity. unless he agreed to pay me the equity that i'm entitled to when or if he ever sells the house.


When he refinances, he has to refinance to take out your part of the equity. For example, if the house is financed for $100,000 and the equity is $100,000, then he needs to refinance for $150,000 and give you the $50,000.

And if he can not qualify for a $150,000 loan (or whatever the loan will be), then the two of you need to sell the house NOW and you each take your 50% of the equity. 

If he keeps the house, it's highly unlikely you will ever get your equity out of it without going to lawyer and fighting for it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Vcu118 said:


> I used equity from my previous home to put down on our current home. Husband doesn't qualify to cash out any equity to me. So he feels like since he's not getting any equity up front, then i shouldn't either. I did think about trying to negotiate half equity for when he sells the house (regardless of my time there), but I can forsee him never moving and then who knows when i'd get the money!


So force the sale of the home and get your money out of it. You should get the amount you put down from the equity from your previous home. And then 50% of whatever equity is left after your get your down payment back. 

Seriously, do not let him keep the house. He'll most likely make sure that you never, ever get a penny from it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Vcu118 said:


> i know how much he's made the past couple of years based on W-2s. But obviously, a cheater like that would never let me have access to his bank statements, so there's no telling what he has coming and going.


So have your attorney subpoena his bank records. That way you get the records directly from the bank.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Vcu118 said:


> i see what you're saying, but it's not just what he wants. we both agreed we would keep the kids in the house, if possible, so at least ONE thing would remain stable for them. But having that extra 10-12k would be extremely helpful for getting back on my feet.


Why do you care what he wants? Did he care what you wanted when he cheated? What he wants is to clearly screw you out of your 50% of the home equity. And you are allowing it. So what if you agreed at one point, you can now change your mind.

I'm sure that he agreed to that because that way he comes out financially ahead. 

In an earlier post, I also explained how this is going to hurt your relationship with your children. Your children are going to blame you for making them spends a lot of their time away from what they think of as their 'home'. I've seen this happen and it's ugly. If you do not force the sale of your home, you are shooting yourself in the foot by giving your husband the equity that is 50% yours and giving him the upper hand in the relationship with your children.

You need to force the sale of your house now to put you and your husband on equal footing with the housing situation. You need to start thinking about protecting yourself here and stop giving him the majority of the financial assets.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Vcu118 said:


> well, if i do that, it will affect my ability to get my OWN house  I can't keep the mortgage in my name and then still get approved for another loan to get my own house.
> sigh... so many issues.


Then the only viable solution is to force the sale of the house. Why are you afraid to stand up to him on this?


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## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> Vcu118 said:
> 
> 
> > well, if i do that, it will affect my ability to get my OWN house <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/frown.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Frown" ></a> I can't keep the mortgage in my name and then still get approved for another loan to get my own house.
> ...


It really is because of the shuffling of the kids. We have only been in this house for 1.5 years. We moved here in the middle of a school year so the kids were uprooted less than two years ago. Now the divorce. And then if they have two new unfamiliar homes, that’s more upheaval. I really wanted to keep some sense of stability for them. My oldest son can get anxious about things and I’m just trying to soften the blow any way I can.


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## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> Vcu118 said:
> 
> 
> > well, if i do that, it will affect my ability to get my OWN house <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/frown.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Frown" ></a> I can't keep the mortgage in my name and then still get approved for another loan to get my own house.
> ...


One other option is for him to increase his monthly payment to me until the equity is paid. But with him saying he can only afford $100 a month it could take 10 years to recoup the money.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Get good legal advise. Don't make any decisions without it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Vcu118 said:


> It really is because of the shuffling of the kids. We have only been in this house for 1.5 years. We moved here in the middle of a school year so the kids were uprooted less than two years ago. Now the divorce. And then if they have two new unfamiliar homes, that’s more upheaval. I really wanted to keep some sense of stability for them. My oldest son can get anxious about things and I’m just trying to soften the blow any way I can.


Oh good grief. I thought this was the home that they had lived in since birth or something like that. The kids will do fine with yet another uprooting.

I grew up in a military and the foreign service family. There were my parents and 8 children. We moved often, every often. It never did us any harm.

Your kids will be fine. You are making a problem where there is none. 

Here is another way to look at it. It's in your kids' best interest that you be financially stable. Down the road, what do you think it's going to be like for them if you struggle more than you had to? That is going to be hard on them.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Vcu118 said:


> One other option is for him to increase his monthly payment to me until the equity is paid. But with him saying he can only afford $100 a month it could take 10 years to recoup the money.


Yep, so that's a really bad idea. Force the sale of the house and get your equity.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Vcu118 said:


> I told him, if he can't afford to give me equity, then he should just sell the house and we call it a day. He said I'm putting money over the kids' need for stability (by trying to keep them in at least one familiar residence. he also said...he's not getting 12k dollars cash equity, so why should I get equity up front. i tried to explain, it's because he's still going to be in the house earning even more equity! he expects me to hold out on the money until he sells the house. I don't even know how to handle this situation. My attorney is a shark and she wants to take him to court. I can't even afford all that.


He's just manipulating you. If he cared one whit about the children's stability, he wouldn't have cheated on you and made all this necessary!

Either he buys you out, or you sell and split. You each need to have a house. It's only fair.


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