# moment of doubt



## kgrant (Jul 28, 2015)

My wife of 17 yrs recently returned from a business trip. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary until about 2 weeks later when I was on my 15yr old sons laptop to check the search history. It was apparent that my wife used the laptop the day after she returned. She clearly indicated that she met a man on the trip and that she was infatuated with him. She gave this man her telephone # and was missing him. She made searches about how to tell if a man is into you or only into you for sex. She researched younger men/ older women relationships. She missed her military man and explored the benefits of dating a military man. The searches really lead to nothing when explored. However, I see red flags with the comments alone. I confronted her and she dismissed the searches as some sort of fantasy that she had. Since then my anxiety is up and she has become somewhat distant and is extremely protective of her cell. I mean 24hrs a day in her hand, even while she sleeps. The mystery man did pop up on her Linkedin account soon afterwards and he lives across the country. She indicated nothing happened on the trip and was quite annoyed with me for asking. She has never given any indication previously that would lead me to suspect anything was going on. She indicated that if she wanted to cheat that she could easily do so here at home and not on a trip. Further stated after the 3rd time that if I did not drop the subject that something indeed would happen. I don't believe anything happened but believe everything points to something was underway. Im either blind, paranoid or correct. Any thoughts?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

kgrant said:


> My wife of 17 yrs recently returned from a business trip. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary until about 2 weeks later when I was on my 15yr old sons laptop to check the search history. It was apparent that my wife used the laptop the day after she returned. She clearly indicated that she met a man on the trip and that she was infatuated with him. She gave this man her telephone # and was missing him. She made searches about how to tell if a man is into you or only into you for sex. She researched younger men/ older women relationships. She missed her military man and explored the benefits of dating a military man. The searches really lead to nothing when explored. However, I see red flags with the comments alone. I confronted her and she dismissed the searches as some sort of fantasy that she had. Since then my anxiety is up and she has become somewhat distant and is extremely protective of her cell. I mean 24hrs a day in her hand, even while she sleeps. The mystery man did pop up on her Linkedin account soon afterwards and he lives across the country. She indicated nothing happened on the trip and was quite annoyed with me for asking. She has never given any indication previously that would lead me to suspect anything was going on. She indicated that if she wanted to cheat that she could easily do so here at home and not on a trip. Further stated after the 3rd time that if I did not drop the subject that something indeed would happen. I don't believe anything happened but believe everything points to something was underway. Im either blind, paranoid or correct. Any thoughts?


She's lying. She cheated, and this might not have been the first time... or even the first guy.

_And you'd be a fool if you let her convince you otherwise._

Tell her the following...

1. You know that she cheated.
2. The only scenario in which your marriage can be salvaged involves her confessing to the affair.
3. Failure to a) confess and b) fully and _truthfully_ answer any and all questions to your satisfaction will lead to divorce.

ETA: Have a VAR (or a voice recorder-type smartphone app) ready for the confession.

But here's the thing -- you have to be prepared to walk if she refuses.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

" she dismissed the searches as some sort of fantasy that she had...extremely protective of her cell"

"fantasies" don't text back and forth or call...get access to that phone if you want to figure it out

"Further stated after the 3rd time that if I did not drop the subject that something indeed would happen."

threats about cheating on you? classy.

SOMETHING happened on that trip...maybe not physical, but something inappropriate for sure.

I'd say full scale monitoring is warranted (vars, keylog that pc, etc)

anymore trips to that area in the future?


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

I think if your gut is telling you something is up then there probably is.
When I asked my h point blank if there was someone else he lied to my face then got mad that I didn't trust him and he demanded that I stop asking. I found out he was cheating when I searched his phone logs after a panic attack at 2:30 in the morning. He said he wasn't talking to anyone, he was listening to an audio book! 
Depending on how hard and far you want to press you could either watch and wait or possibly contact the fantasy man? I'm sorry you are feeling this way, it totally sucks to not be able to trust the one you love.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Save that computer history, get the contact info if possible.

Presume your wife is a liar and a cheat.

Get tested for STDs.

Consult with a divorce attorney.

Do not mess around, she is not a loyal wife. Move quickly to get her out of your life. don't so as I did, and twist in the wind for years.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I say trust your gut. Then ask her if she would believe that childish excuse if you used it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Has he got an email ?
Send the guy a picture of your wife saying 'want to hook up again next month for more fun and games' early in the evening when your wife is in with you

and wait for the reply

Only thing is if he contacts her by phone though or they speak daily/weekly
Make sure your stuck like glue to her that night

Of course this will blow future surveillance out the water if he contacts her other than by your sent email (make an email in her first name)

OR 

Better still get her phone from her at night when she's asleep and load some software on it if there's no incriminating evidence on it...hope fully you can get her password


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

If the guy is active duty military, you can fry his ass. Don't take any sh!t from your wife. Do your homework and learn what's going on. Start with the cell bill and go from there.


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

Does she actually have to cheat ?

She is already treating you worse than dirt.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Check your wife's cell phone records on-line. Look for text and phone calls to this guy. Notice the frequency, times and duration.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"She indicated that if she wanted to cheat that she could easily do so here at home and not on a trip."

Yeah...except the trip provided her with an opportunity to do it that she thought would be easy to keep secret....oops...guess she blew that part.

Listen....she cheated, possibly physically, but definitely emotional by making a connection with this POS.

And do not accept her anger or threats about 'something will happen' if you don't drop it.

Tell her thank you for announcing your intention to cheat directly to my face....then inform her you will be serving her D papers ASAP.

Show her you will not be tolerating any more of her crap.

If she comes begging for you to save the M, demand a FULL confession of what she did with this POS.

And find out who this POS is and expose him to any W or gf he has....and if he's in the military, inform his command.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

And personally, I would be LIVID that she was doing this on your son's laptop.

She obviously didn't consider the ramifications of what damage she would do if HE found this sh*t on the laptop.

The stupidity of cheaters is amazing.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
This is troubling in that your wife's initial reaction was one of incredulity but then she offered the ease with which she could cheat at home, if she so desired. I assume she offered this to ease your angst as you would assume that she does not want to. My question to her would have been, in light of this search information and her "distancing" herself from you, how do I know you do not want to? 

It seems obvious that some contact was made with the OM on the trip. It is impossible to know if it was an EA, a PA or just an exploratory encounter to test the waters. In any event, it seems probable that she is either pursuing outside interests or at the very least considering it. In combination with all the other indicators you may be experiencing, it falls to you now to decide if this is something that you feel is worth investigating. If so, then there is an abundance of knowledge and talent here to assist you in your efforts. If not, then you must remove it from your mind and move forward trusting your wife.

I would find it too uncomfortable after being informed that she was "pursuing a fantasy" to let drop completely but that is your call.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

No way to really tell. Unfortunately she is on high alert now.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Your WWs reaction is pretty standard cheater speak.

They all follow somewhat of a script.

Study the 180 and put it into practice.

Stay cool, in control and distant.

Talk to a lawyer and have divorce papers drawn up.

Serve her at work if possible.

Expose to at least your family and hers.

Do all of this under her radar.

It should be a surprise. A sharp slap that might wake her up to the peril she has placed her marriage in.

Start going out for yourself with friends and work out with heavy weights as well.

Are you in good shape?

Buy some nice outfits for yourself to go out without your wife.

Act like you could care less if she isn't there anymore.

If she comes around and is fully remorseful, you can start contributing to your marriage again.

Don't assume she hasn't already looked into separation or divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

It's a known fact my man "to save your marriage, you have to be ready to torch it".

The very fact that she is now glued to the phone tells you all you need to know.
So digging deeper is not really needed.

File, have her served. When she ask why, tell her you won't be married to a pile. YES a pile of it.
That you don't want someone who is acting the way she is acting, and saying the things she is saying. So you are getting out before you do something your family will suffer from. Shock her butt to hell and back.

You have already seen and heard how she will react, well this will be worst at first, but if she wants to save the marriage, you are in the drivers seat, and giving you details and a time should be the bare mini.

But understand, this is not a game !!! You have to talk the talk and walk the walk in EVERYTHING you say and do.

Anyway,, what is your do not cross line, that line she can't come back from ??

Also we understand not wanting to break up your family. BUT, at what expense?? Self respect, dignity, lost of self worth??


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

kgrant said:


> She indicated that if she wanted to cheat that she could easily do so here at home and not on a trip. Further stated after the 3rd time that if I did not drop the subject that something indeed would happen.


 Dude she just gave you a throw down challenge and gave you a ultimatum. You better kick that high horse she's on and send her tumbling back to reality and let her know that she's the one whose now walking on real thin ice and if she falls through then she's on her own because you wont throw her a life line and say it in a way that she knows that your as serious as a heart attack. 

If she's holding on to that cell phone for a good reason and if there's no guilt then she wouldn't care if she left it on the table in plain view or let you pick it up and use it. Now remember that if all of a sudden she hands it to you, bet the house that phone is been washed, rinsed, dried and ironed and everything deleted. 

Do not let her back you in the corner. if you do you lost. She already has it in her mind that if she ever does step out on you or already has and you find out, then be prepared to here her excuse that you pushed her to do it and it's your fault.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Yes, major red flags here.

Unfortunately you made the mistake many of us did and confronted too soon. She is now on high alert and has gone underground. It's OK, you still know what she's done. Honestly even with evidence in her face she may continue to lie. 

I am sorry that you are here.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

where_are_we said:


> Yes, major red flags here.
> 
> Unfortunately you made the mistake many of us did and confronted too soon. She is now on high alert and has gone underground. It's OK, you still know what she's done.


Act like you’ve dropped it (i.e. shut up) and look here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html

My son is a JAG (military lawyer) and you could put the other man in a world of hurt for adultery if he’s married or knew your wife was married.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"My son is a JAG (military lawyer) and you could put the other man in a world of hurt for adultery if he’s married or knew your wife was married."

Yep....and even if he claims she never told him that she was M, once OP informs his command he will be given a cease and desist order telling him to stop all contact with her.

And if he continues, and OP informs the command of continuing contact, he could be in a world of hurt, not only for the adultery, but also for direct disobeying of a lawful order.

There was a guy over on SI this past year who buried the POSOM in his M this way...the dumba** kept violating NC orders from his command...lost his officer's commission and was court-martialed after being caught a second time violating NC.

So if OP contacts the command.....it will either end the A instantly....or give OP the power to bring SEVERE consequences down on POSOM's head if he continues to interfere with his WW.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Your confrontation was way too soon! Now she has taken things underground! Meanwhile, you should be examining her cell phone records, her social media sites like FB, and investigate just how far back that she was busy making a fool of you!

And execute a contingency plan to have her served divorce papers in an instant!
*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

@kgrant, what kind of cell phone does your wife use?


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## kgrant (Jul 28, 2015)

Iphone6


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Dyokemm said:


> And personally, I would be LIVID that she was doing this on your son's laptop.
> 
> She obviously didn't consider the ramifications of what damage she would do if HE found this sh*t on the laptop.
> 
> The stupidity of cheaters is amazing.


Something similar happened to a friend of mine. His wife got a new phone and gave the old phone to his 17 y/o son. He found an email account on the browser and it was still logged in. He snooped and found pictures of mom and OM having sex.

Stupid... stupid.... stupid...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your wife COULD have affairs locally... or HAS had affairs locally?

What she said is a red flag with a bloody great kaxon blaring behind it.

Lawyer up, get tested for STDS and get your son DNA tested. The latter is not to test for paternity it is to put a warning sign up to your wife that she has destroyed your faith in her, that you can now have NO trust in anything she has said or done throughout your marriage.

Have Her her polygraphed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

larry.gray,

That really sucks.

Maybe its because of the impact infidelity had on my family during childhood, but I get extremely p*ssed off at WS's who allow their scummy behavior to hurt their kids....bad enough that they just tanked their own children's family and home environments....but to allow sh*t like this to happen?

I think its why I still despise both of my grandmothers, despite the fact they are both passed now....I saw and lived the family pain their f*cked up choices brought into my family, in particular my maternal grandmother.

I would never forgive this from a spouse...even if I could somehow get past my own pain.

I would never forgive anyone who did this to my kids....both her and the POSOM, who I would destroy in any way I could for daring, as a stranger, to come in and crush my kids lives.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> larry.gray,
> 
> 
> 
> ...


*It's not just the long-term illicit sex that this wayward skank was having with the OM that would bother me; it would be the long-range deception that she was so brazenly and cavalierly committing! Against both her spouse and her family!

IMHO, Hell itself cannot be kept nearly hot enough for the likes of her sorry a$$!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

larry.gray said:


> Something similar happened to a friend of mine. His wife got a new phone and gave the old phone to his 17 y/o son. He found an email account on the browser and it was still logged in. He snooped and found pictures of mom and OM having sex.
> 
> Stupid... stupid.... stupid...


It's one thing for an adult, such as myself, to find something like that and be devastated, and quite another for a kid to see that and be completely destroyed and scarred for life. I hope that your friend divorced his WW and took his son to therapy for that is something that cannot be rug swept away as if it didn't happened.



arbitrator said:


> IMHO, Hell itself cannot be kept nearly hot enough for the likes of her sorry a$$!


Well said arbitrator, well said.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> "My son is a JAG (military lawyer) and you could put the other man in a world of hurt for adultery if he’s married or knew your wife was married."
> 
> Yep....and even if he claims she never told him that she was M, once OP informs his command he will be given a cease and desist order telling him to stop all contact with her.
> 
> ...


This may be helpful as well.



Mortarman at MB said:


> Here goes on the exposure part with military members.
> 
> If one or both of the infidels are members of the military, you have a GREAT asset! Why? Because it is against the law to commit adultery. And their command can and will order them to cease and desist...and me even punish them!
> 
> ...


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Buy a car and put it in her car. With the way she is acting and being in high alert she may be story setting with her posom or allies now. Get it on recording. 

If you can put a key logger on a pic she uses do that as well. 

These are both cheap and well worth the money. 

Your wife is an accomplished liar and has no issue treating you like dirt. She threatens you that she will cheat if bring it up again? 

Sounds like she has no respect for you your marriage or family. Not a good sign. Very sorry


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

But a VAR. sorry I got auto corrected.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

workindad said:


> But a VAR. sorry I got auto corrected.


Happens to me all the thyme. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Happens to me all the thyme.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That snot good.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

kgrant

You know you have a serious issue when you confront your wife, she lies/denies and ends the conversation with a threat back to you.

Now she will just hide everything better.

So what is your plan going forward because you really need one now.

HM


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## dental (Apr 16, 2014)

kgrant said:


> ... She indicated nothing happened on the trip and was quite annoyed with me for asking. She has never given any indication previously that would lead me to suspect anything was going on. She indicated that if she wanted to cheat that she could easily do so here at home and not on a trip. Further stated after the 3rd time that if I did not drop the subject that something indeed would happen.
> 
> I don't believe anything happened but believe everything points to something was underway. Im either blind, paranoid or correct. Any thoughts?


kgrant, the thing that stand out the most in you OP is the way you LET! your W treat you. She might as well be saying: F*&k off, you little tw*t, mind your own business, let the grown ups alone, etc etc. This is very unhealthy. You ask: any thoughts? Yes, don't see yourself as an supplicating child, a wussy asking permission to ask what's going on in your marriage, but see yourself as a man with direction and healthy boundaries, stick up for yourself, don't let yourself be treated this way. She's your wife, not your boss. 

Good luck!


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