# how long to stay in therapy?



## brandydg

how long do you continue going until you realize its not working?


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## EleGirl

It sounds like you assume that therapy is not working. Why is that? How long have you been going? What outcome do you expect from therapy?


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## brandydg

we have been in therapy for 6 months. i do not feel like its working at all. we are using it as a venting session and not following what she says to do, which to me means we dont care, my husband has been given homework weekly and never does it. i dont think hes capable or why wouldnt he do it/


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## charlie18

Me and my wife have been to 4 different marriage counselors. I am still looking for a good one.

There are certain things that you need to evaluate before agreeing to counseling.

1. Your problems are unique to you. Don't let the counselor try to fit you into a text book template that he/she learned in school.

2. Is the counselor into their job or are they just earning a paycheck. Do they care about your success.

3. Most importantly. Set goals from the outset. Even to the point of being upfront with the counselor. Ask them "What should we expect after one month?, three months?, six months?" and if they can't tell you, then find another counselor. If they do tell you and your goals aren't being reached, find another counselor. 

I have found that most counselors fall into two general categories. Ones that follow a template of, if you do these things and follow these steps you will have success no matter what your problems are, and others who feel that you just need to continue counseling as long as it takes to come to an acceptable level of success. I don't like either. I want a counselor who knows what they are doing. Has a clear vision of what we should expect as a result of their help, and in what time frame we should expect to see a change.

You say you have been in therapy for six months. You seriously need to examine where you are now compared to when you started and see if that is acceptable progress to you. If so, keep going. If not, look for another one. I know changing counselors can be difficult, because then you have to rehash everything all over again and you feel like you are starting over. But each step helps along the way and even though you are starting over with a new counselor, you have learned a lot from the previous one (even if it is what not to do) and that is the whole point of it all anyway; to get you to learn what works and what doesn't in both counseling and in you marriage.


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## missymrs80

charlie18 said:


> Me and my wife have been to 4 different marriage counselors. I am still looking for a good one.
> 
> There are certain things that you need to evaluate before agreeing to counseling.
> 
> 1. Your problems are unique to you. Don't let the counselor try to fit you into a text book template that he/she learned in school.
> 
> 2. Is the counselor into their job or are they just earning a paycheck. Do they care about your success.
> 
> 3. Most importantly. Set goals from the outset. Even to the point of being upfront with the counselor. Ask them "What should we expect after one month?, three months?, six months?" and if they can't tell you, then find another counselor. If they do tell you and your goals aren't being reached, find another counselor.
> 
> I have found that most counselors fall into two general categories. Ones that follow a template of, if you do these things and follow these steps you will have success no matter what your problems are, and others who feel that you just need to continue counseling as long as it takes to come to an acceptable level of success. I don't like either. I want a counselor who knows what they are doing. Has a clear vision of what we should expect as a result of their help, and in what time frame we should expect to see a change.
> 
> You say you have been in therapy for six months. You seriously need to examine where you are now compared to when you started and see if that is acceptable progress to you. If so, keep going. If not, look for another one. I know changing counselors can be difficult, because then you have to rehash everything all over again and you feel like you are starting over. But each step helps along the way and even though you are starting over with a new counselor, you have learned a lot from the previous one (even if it is what not to do) and that is the whole point of it all anyway; to get you to learn what works and what doesn't in both counseling and in you marriage.


Your problems are unique, but at the same time they are not. I could prob go on forever about that but i wont bore you. 

Have you found a counselor who has answered those questions? The questions of expectations...


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## Mavash.

If your marriage isn't better in 5 sessions you either have a bad therapist or a bad patient.

If I were in your shoes I would have quit 3 months ago.

We did MC but we did the work. Both of us. Within 6 months our marriage had done a complete 180....for the better.


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## millers4691

Have been to therapy...we stayed as long as we needed to then let the therapist know that we were done.


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## Complexities

I have been to 3 sessions and already things are better I guess. but also worse. I think our marriage was worse than we realized so it has come out, but that is likley a good thing.


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## Serenity_Prayer

We gave it a shot for about three months. There were no improvements, and my DH wouldn't talk or do the homework. Then one day we forgot an appointment, and he never brought it up, or said one thing about how our marriage was going. At that point I knew he didn't want to fix our marriage (versus having a hard time talking about feelings and such), so after waiting a couple more months for him to say something, anything, I told him it's over. He didn't yell or beg, he just started working on the mechanics - moving, checking accounts, etc.

So, if he's not talking you can only read his behavior. Don't sit around miserable another three months waiting for magic to happen like I did. I worked through the things holding me back - kids, religion, social stigmas, etc, and now know divorce is the right thing to do. Not the easy thing, but the right thing.


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## old pilot

Get out ASAP. You are paying someone to tell you what you already know.


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## Corpuswife

You admitted that one of you (at least) isnt' doing the "work." 

She isn't there to "fix" you. It's up to you to put in the work. An hour session isn't a miracle.

You should be seeing some relief or settling of the issues. If not:

1. One or both of you aren't participating
2. She/he isn't the right counselor for you


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## reximus

charlie18 said:


> 2. Is the counselor into their job or are they just earning a paycheck. Do they care about your success.


I totally agree with this one. I have seen a direct correlation between our success with counseling to the level of "investment" that our counselor has in us. My wife and I have been to two MCs. There is a clear difference, in my mind, as to which one cared more about US and which cared more about the CHECK we gave him each session. I think its a no-brainer to see which one was the latter.

When your MC is invested in YOU, you will know it. If they don't, find one that does.



Corpuswife said:


> You should be seeing some relief or settling of the issues. If not:
> 1. One or both of you aren't participating
> 2. She/he isn't the right counselor for you


If your MC is not the problem, re-assess your commitment and actually try to do what he/she says. If you're not willing to do your homework or do the things that you're learning, you are WASTING your money. But if you are doing everything they suggest and nothing seems to be working, maybe you need the methods and tools that a different MC will provide.

But remember, IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO... Even the best dance teacher in the world can't do much when one partner won't dance.


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## stopandmakecoffee

i've been in IC and therapy for 5 weeks; and i feel better each week. i make solid progress. not always smooth.sometimes it's hard to swallow, but i learn a lot.


i agree with previous posters that it takes both of you to make the counseling & therapy works. otherwise, it will be good waste of money.


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