# Still Broken, Not Sure What To Do...



## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I posted up a thread in April 2011, about needing a new marriage counselor, as the one we had was destroying everything for me. You guys helped me out a lot, I went to my wife, she wasn't happy about changing at first, but I explained what you guys told me about "Both people must feel comfortable with the counselor to succeed" and she agreed that we should look elsewhere, we found a great counselor, and we've used him ever since.

Rather than read the other thread, here's a breakdown:

Wife told me in March 2011 she was unhappy with me, wasn't sure if she loved me anymore. She said I was always negative, was always angry with her and she felt unappreciated. I fell apart badly, the first counselor made it worse, came to find out my wife had visited someone in another state while visiting family, she never did anything physical with him but she lied to me about it and it hurt me tremendously. Then a lot of other things came out, about her depression, about her never having gotten over that guy, a 7000 dollar credit card maxed out that I never knew she had, lots of little stuff. 

The counselor has worked with us in a big way:

I am working hard to be more positive, not handle my anger immaturely, and to support and love my wife more.

She is working harder to be more open with me, and communicate about things regardless of how hard they are to talk about.

We've come a long way, but I am still having a lot of problems now. My wife is still unsure about how she feels, but she says she loves me and "I just want to get back to where we were" so I know deep inside that spark is still there. I am military, and I was diagnosed with PTSD by the VA last year. I do not know why I still feel so "broken", I guess is the best way to describe it. I just want to get back to being happy again, I know some of this is likely not marriage related but I know a lot of you have gone through issues of depression and relationships. I don't want to lose my wife, and I know I will if I continue to lose myself.

(PS: If you'd like to read the original thread you are more than welcome to, it is way more in depth, just be aware that I changed some of the information in the original thread because I wasn't sure I could trust my wife at the time, now our trust is 100X better so I'm not nearly as worried about it, and I'm looking to help US not just me)

Thank you.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Why not IC for you in addition to the MC? To work on your PTSD and depression. Sometimes I don't understand when people post about getting back to where they were. I believe life is a journey that changes you based on your experiences. You can't stop the change because life is always changing. I always want to get to where I'm going. I hope it's a better place than where I've been. I also hope that my husband and I get there together.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I have gone to see a couple different counselors for my individual needs, I just haven't quite clicked yet, the current one though I've only been to twice so I'm trying to give him more time. These are military contracted doctors though and sometimes they come off as uncaring (the first one pretty bad that way). 

I have older military friends that keep telling me to go to the VA to get some help, and admittedly the VA was awesome the visits where I did get help with the PTSD. I just don't know though, I'm not having the anger issues anymore so I thought I'd worked out the PTSD stuff on my own, it is just... I never yell at my wife anymore, if anything I am scared of confrontation with her because I don't want to lose her, I find myself emotionally down and scared, and it affects me in ways I would have never expected. 

This has been nearly 11 months now, when I say I just want to be happy again, when my wife said she "wants to get back to where we were", she's saying she just wants to see me happy again, but still showing this caring side and not being emotionally immature about my anger. I know we'll never be where we were before, I do NOT want that, i don't want to know my wife was so unhappy, but at the same time I don't want to sacrifice my own happiness to do it. So we are working to try and find that balance. 

I'm on Celexa constant, and when the anxiety spikes I take ativan/lorazapam (sp?). They gave me Ambien also but I'm one of a small percentage of people who can't get a full nights sleep with Ambien, I sleep for about 3 hours and BOOM wide awake, so it is really worse taking it than not taking it. Things have improved some, I can actually sleep now without having constant nightmares, but instead of being unable to sleep due to the anxiety, I don't even want to get out of bed now because of the depression. I sort of chuckle because I think that, at least it isn't as bad as not sleeping at all, but honestly it still sucks, just in a different way. 

I'd like to think I'm making improvements, but a year later still having problems? Is that normal?


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Po12345 said:


> I'd like to think I'm making improvements, but a year later still having problems? Is that normal?


From what I have read about you and your situation, you have been through alot - life changing events - and it will take longer than a year to get over everything you have been through. 

Are you exercising at all? Get out and take walks every day. Do you have a dog? They can be great, spirit-lifting companions, and they love to go on walks. This exercise will also hopefully help you to sleep better at night. Getting the fresh air outside will help you to feel better. Stay active in your community, maybe do some volunteer work with children or at your local SPCA working with animals. 

I do hope to hear in the near future that you're feeling better! And thanks so much for your service to our country! :thumbup:


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

I like Southern Wife's suggestion of a dog. They give you unconditional love, can help with anxiety and blood pressure. Sometimes antidepressants need to be adjusted. See if that's the case with you. I'm also on antidepressants. It is hard to get up but once I do I get going. I usually need music to get the blood pumping. Also my dogs make me if I don't want to clean up pee pee. Good luck to you. I wish this country would do more for it's vets.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I used to exercise a lot more, lately it has been very difficult to find the energy to do so. I am going to force myself to though because I have a physical training test coming up next month and I usually do very well on them and I want to maintain myself.

I found out a couple days ago that my wife has refriended the other guy on Facebook again... I told her last year that I wasn't going to force her to get rid of him as a friend, but she did it on her own because he was causing her so many problems. She then friended him again, then got rid of him again in January. I know she's in turmoil over this but I want to freaking scream... what am I doing wrong here??? I have picked up the pace at home, doing more cleaning, dishes, washing the kids clothes and putting them away, all the things I think a good husband should do, and because I WANT to do it, not because I feel forced to. I stay in very good shape, I'm 6' tall and right at 200 lbs, I may not work out as much but I'm not a slob or anything.

When I bring anything up now she turns it around on me. I tell her i feel sad about something and she starts crying and saying "I am a total failure, I can't do anything right" then runs off upstairs and curls up on the bed crying. Then I'm stuck going up there and comforting HER, telling HER that she's a good person, that she is not a failure, that things are okay, all the while with a crumbling heart and a cloud over my head...

I just want to feel needed, respected, once in awhile I want her to grab me and make love to me like she wants it, and not to lay there once a week and 'put up' with it, which is what it seems like right now. I want her to let go of this other man once and for all and to see me for the person I am. I feel utterly stupid and lost, I love her too much just to walk away from this. She never slept with the other guy, at least, 99.99999% sure she didn't, but I know she wrote stuff in her private journal about "not sure I can ever feel this way about anyone else" when she spoke of him, and that is crushing. 

I probably sound like an emotional fool, I'm doing everything I can to maintain things, not just for my sake but for my 4 year old and 2 year old. My wife is not a horrible person, but I honestly believe she can never love me completely as long as she holds onto this dream of this other guy, and I know deep inside that she does.

WHY does she need to have this secret life she buries away and clings to? A life that can't even exist?????


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Your wife is not dealing with the pain she's causing you. She acts hurt then you comfort her when she's the one that is hurting you. Stop letting that work for her. Let her deal with the pain she is causing. Many men post about reading the Man up thread in the Men's Clubhouse and they also talk about the book Married Men's Sex Life. Many have had success implementing some of the changes found in those two resources. You should also make a post on the Mens Clubhouse board. I think you'll get more responses and resources. Sounds like you are being to beta (nice), you need to be more alpha to attract and keep your wife's attention.


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