# How to trust....



## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

I need some insight from you fine folks. 

My wife cheated on me before we even got married. We were doing great at the time i found out about it, roughly a year had already past. I was in a rather dark time of my life then and wasn't thinking clearly i guess. My thinking at the time was things are great now, this happened a long time ago, lets get past it and continue on. In reality I should have had the stones to drop her like a bad habit.

Enough on that, 

When I'm being honest with myself, I've never trusted her since. As much as I want to trust her, I just cannot get myself to not be suspicious of her. The saying "once a cheater always a cheater" is always lingering in the back of my mind. She has given me a couple instances where my suspicion was heightened. (creeping the OM facebook within the last few months being one)

How have others dealt with this and have you been able to get past it?

Should someone get past it?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

She didn't cheat on you, you weren't married to each other at the time. Has you given you a valid reason to not to trust her now that you are married? So she looks at a FB, have you see texts or calls they have made to each other? That's proof. You sound paranoid. Stop thinking about the past and concentrate on the present.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Happilymarried25 said:


> She didn't cheat on you, you weren't married to each other at the time. Has you given you a valid reason to not to trust her now that you are married? So she looks at a FB, have you see texts or calls they have made to each other? That's proof. You sound paranoid. Stop thinking about the past and concentrate on the present.


I guess our definitions of cheating are slightly different.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Happilymarried25 said:


> She didn't cheat on you, you weren't married to each other at the time. Has you given you a valid reason to not to trust her now that you are married? So she looks at a FB, have you see texts or calls they have made to each other? That's proof. You sound paranoid. Stop thinking about the past and concentrate on the present.


So what are you saying only married people can cheat on one another??


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Honesty I think you made a mistake marrying someone you don't trust. What, if anything, has she done to restore your trust? At minimum I think you need to tell her you are having trouble still trusting her. Did you guys go to counseling ?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> So what are you saying only married people can cheat on one another??


Yes, until you have a ring on and are engaged and made a commitment to each other to get married, you are just dating.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
As I see it the phrase "once a cheater" is not always accurate. It is the vast majority of the time but not always. If the cheating party comes to fully realize what they have done and shows deep contrition and a willingness to rectify the situation, as much as is possible, even to the point of considerable self sacrifice then I am of the belief that they would not cheat again. However this is seldom the case. Usually they blameshift and circumvent and evade and half halfheartedly attempt to make amends. And those are the ones who "try". It is truly rare to find a WS that exhibits the above traits. It is those traits and a deep understanding of what they have done that would prevent further cheating. Has you wife displayed those traits?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Based on this and your other post, it doesn't sound like she has done much to actively earn/restore your trust. Stalking the OM's Facebook profile is something she should NEVER do..this shows that she still thinks about him and gives him enough priority to check in on what he is doing. You cannot "just start" trusting, it doesn't work that way. It will take active participation on her part. 

Again, basing this on your previous post...its time you faced the fact that you really are done with your marriage. Its a hard pill to swallow, trust me, I know...but you have not been happy in quite a long time. Do you want the next 30 years to be the same way?


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> As I see it the phrase "once a cheater" is not always accurate. It is the vast majority of the time but not always. If the cheating party comes to fully realize what they have done and shows deep contrition and a willingness to rectify the situation, as much as is possible, even to the point of considerable self sacrifice then I am of the belief that they would not cheat again. However this is seldom the case. Usually they blameshift and circumvent and evade and half halfheartedly attempt to make amends. And those are the ones who "try". It is truly rare to find a WS that exhibits the above traits. It is those traits and a deep understanding of what they have done that would prevent further cheating. Has you wife displayed those traits?


NO. In fact the only time she has ever seemed remotely sorry was when i found out and it was a Im sorry you caught me sorry.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Yes, until you have a ring on and are engaged and made a commitment to each other to get married, you are just dating.


Lol ok

Glad to see you are happily married . Stay that way. You won't be able to pass that nonsense off if you ever have to date again


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> Based on this and your other post, it doesn't sound like she has done much to actively earn/restore your trust. Stalking the OM's Facebook profile is something she should NEVER do..this shows that she still thinks about him and gives him enough priority to check in on what he is doing. You cannot "just start" trusting, it doesn't work that way. It will take active participation on her part.
> 
> Again, basing this on your previous post...its time you faced the fact that you really are done with your marriage. Its a hard pill to swallow, trust me, I know...but you have not been happy in quite a long time. Do you want the next 30 years to be the same way?


Very hard pill, but absolutely not.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Yes, until you have a ring on and are engaged and made a commitment to each other to get married, you are just dating.


We're gunna have to agree to disagree on this one Happy.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I am no expert at successful reconciliation as I am a pretty firm believer in the once a cheat always a cheat mantra. But I have heard it said that reconciliation can never begin until the wrong party full understands the pain they cause and sincerely apologizes for what they did. By sincerly I mean it must be absent blame shift and excuses. Doesn't sound like that has happened here


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Ol'Pal said:


> I need some insight from you fine folks.
> 
> My wife cheated on me before we even got married. We were doing great at the time i found out about it, roughly a year had already past. I was in a rather dark time of my life then and wasn't thinking clearly i guess. My thinking at the time was things are great now, this happened a long time ago, lets get past it and continue on. In reality I should have had the stones to drop her like a bad habit.
> 
> ...


Did you confront her on this?

How old are the two of you and how long have you been married?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Yes, until you have a ring on and are engaged and made a commitment to each other to get married, you are just dating.


Please explain precisely WHY any guy (or, for that matter, any gal) w/ even the slightest amount of self respect would even consider "putting a ring on it" when that type of philosophy is present in the relationship.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Please explain precisely WHY any guy (or, for that matter, any gal) w/ even the slightest amount of self respect would even consider "putting a ring on it" when that type of philosophy is present in the relationship.


Because when you are dating unless you both have agreed not to see other people then you can see other people and it's not cheating. It's dating.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Because when you are dating unless you both have agreed not to see other people then you can see other people and it's not cheating. It's dating.


And that doesn't sound at all like the scenario that OP described.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Because when you are dating unless you both have agreed not to see other people then you can see other people and it's not cheating. It's dating.


Since WHEN does someone have to "put a ring on it" in order to agree not to see other people?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Ol'Pal said:


> NO. In fact the only time she has ever seemed remotely sorry was when i found out and it was a Im sorry you caught me sorry.


I regret to say that this does not bode well for her being trustworthy.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Happilymarried25 said:


> She didn't cheat on you, you weren't married to each other at the time. Has you given you a valid reason to not to trust her now that you are married? So she looks at a FB, have you see texts or calls they have made to each other? That's proof. You sound paranoid. Stop thinking about the past and concentrate on the present.





Happilymarried25 said:


> Because when you are dating unless you both have agreed not to see other people then you can see other people and it's not cheating. It's dating.


You are utterly retarded.. That is the most stupidest thing I have ever heard.. But that is my opinion and I might be wrong.. But I doubt it..

Dating the GF 2 years.. No ring. .She knows clear well, if I even feel the intent of her looking another way I am out the door. We both made it clear it was a monogamous relationship.. I brought it up with in the first week. She agreed. Nobody fvcks my woman but me, sorry.. I don't share that and I don't pay well with others.. 
Call me immature.. 
Call me crazy.. 
I'm just not taking the chance of my d!ck touching someone else's sperm inside my GF because I paid a surprise visit 20 minutes after this other man left.. 

That being said..

As for the OP

Yea you should be concerned.. You found out that your wife cheated on you a year ago and now she is FB stalking the guy she was fvcking behind your back.. 

Yea she doesn't seem to be happy in this marriage and you shouldn't either..

Sadly by what you are saying, you seem a bit weak atm to be able to address this correctly.. 

So here is the outcome.. 

You either have to be really tough and be ready to lose this marriage to be able to fix it... 

Or sweep this under the rug like you did the first time and watch her walk away eventually years down the line.. Maybe after you have a few kids with her.. If you don't already..

The saying is true.. If you want this, you have to be willing to lose it.. Only when she see's this type of attitude from you will she give a real sh!t about this..


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Because when you are dating unless you both have agreed not to see other people then you can see other people and it's not cheating. It's dating.


That "let's not see other people" conversation typically comes somewhere between the first date and about 3 months into a relationship. So considering it can be years before you marry someone you are looking at the vast majority of that time being monogamous to each other.

You don't just go from dating around, nothing serious to married like that. You are usually with someone for a very long time and committed to each other. Most people now live together before marriage as well.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Ol Pal,

Did you ever get a complete and honest confession from you W? Or did your W avoid that conversation or give you different answers from time to time. There is a sense in which OM and your W share intimacies you are excluded from.

Did you ever confront or expose the OM? He might be willing to speak with you in exchange for peace. 

My W cheated on me before we were married. I believe she kept a flame alive for him until about a year or so after our wedding. I think my W found out at the time that OM-1 got married, as it trigger a crisis time where she wanted to divorce me. This was 20+ years ago.

Emotionally the connection to OM-1 may never have ended, my W always had and still has a good opinion of him. I would really have to say that I was her second choice until 2008 when I improved our marriage.

Your W's affair with this OM was an addiction, and just like an alcoholic can never enter a bar, your W can never visit OMs facebook or see OM, it renews those feelings and sets your recover clock to zero. 

Tamat


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Get more evidence before confronting her on the Facebook stalking. Get her phone and do a back-up on your laptop. Try and get passwords to all accounts.

At this point I would capture of picture of the Facebook stalking. Given her cheating history she basically gave up any right to contact with the OM and should be blocked. Full access to all passwords etc.

Once you have more background evidence, the way I'd confront is bring up the use of Facebook and work my way to the question. Something like, "hey babe I was on Facebook today. What's your opinion of exes being on Facebook and contacting each other. Then broach the checking up on exes."

If she hesitates you have your answer on what to do. Divorce.

Don't confront too soon as I'm sure you're freaking out inside.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Well you admitted it and I have to agree. You didn't have your stones with you and you married her rather then dumping her on the spot. 

If it's me I tell her that your trust isn't there and her checking up on the OM through face book doesn't help her chances. If your gut tells you something isn't right then go with it.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

TAMAT said:


> Ol Pal,
> 
> Did you ever get a complete and honest confession from you W? Or did your W avoid that conversation or give you different answers from time to time. There is a sense in which OM and your W share intimacies you are excluded from.
> 
> ...


Yeah i got a straight up confession from her, it happened. Yes there were other intimacies that i dont know about, they dated for a few years prior to us. 

I confronted the other man shortly after I found out,  He was politely informed while pinned against a bar wall by his throat that if he ever spoke to her again He'd be left a bloody, unrecognizable mess. To my knowledge they have not spoken.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Did you confront her on this?
> 
> How old are the two of you and how long have you been married?


31 and 30, married 5 years. When I actually take a step back, I've never trusted her since that occurrence.


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## Csocal (Nov 5, 2015)

Tell her right away that U R not comfortable w/her visiting OM's FB page and why. This may be a good opportunity for U to discus ur residual trust issues, and for her to offer honest reassurance. 

Would she be surprised to learn u have felt this uncertainty for so long?


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Csocal said:


> Tell her right away that U R not comfortable w/her visiting OM's FB page and why. This may be a good opportunity for U to discus ur residual trust issues, and for her to offer honest reassurance.
> 
> Would she be surprised to learn u have felt this uncertainty for so long?


This conversation will be happening this weekend. Not only will we discuss the above, The resentment that has built up for way way to long will also be discussed.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I think that when you marry someone you are accepting everything that you know about them, forgiving every trespass that you know about.

I think my wife cheated on me when we were dating - but that slate was wiped clean when we got married. If I hadn't been willing to completely forgive, I should not have married her. 


As far as cheating outside of marriage - I consider it to be cheating if you are in a committed exclusive relationship, not cheating if you haven't agreed to be exclusive.


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

Happilymarried25 said:


> She didn't cheat on you, you weren't married to each other at the time. Has you given you a valid reason to not to trust her now that you are married? So she looks at a FB, have you see texts or calls they have made to each other? That's proof. You sound paranoid. Stop thinking about the past and concentrate on the present.


You have to be married for it to considered cheating? I don't think so.


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

It's tough dude. My ex-wife cheated on my before she left. The moment she went for groceries I was devastated because I knew deep inside I could not trust her again. And to be honest, I am a weirdo and open-minded. If it was just sex I would have let it go, but she had an emotional connection with someone else and that hurt a lot more. 

At the same time, I cheated on her many times and was totally calling the kettle black. For a long time not only did I believe I did nothing wrong (because I never got emotionally attached with any other women), I realized I was completely wrong about what I thought was acceptable and my right, and what I thought was respect. She never found out, but somehow she knew she couldn't trust me either. And so there was a lack of mutual trust and this built resentment over time. Total mess. 

Point is, it's going to be tough to overcome. I'm a forgive and forget type of person and so it comes easy to me...but for others not so much...so do yourself a favor and get counselling, if both of you are seriously interested in working together...but don't kid yourselves. Take a hard look at the situation, put aside your love and possessiveness and think about what's logical and what is right. 

I've learned from my mistakes. I've learned that emotional nor physical matters. Cheating is cheating and that is super unfair to anybody who is committed. Men are easily tempted and women are easy alluring. I don't blame genders and the biology; which is inherently polygamous. It is simple respect and you my friend, were disrespected. 

It's a painful and horrible feeling to be cheated on. I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you can move on, and don't let it affect your self-esteem.


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