# Today is a rough day



## pmiller (Jun 2, 2012)

I am sure many people have been where I am today. I don't know what it is or why. Well, it's either depression or just insurmountable amounts of pressure.. just not sure how to handle it I guess. I just feel like I am completely empty. Like the soul has left the building or something. Finding it difficult to go on or do anything. Not suicidal by any means.. more like how a star would feel just before a supernova.. imploding on itself. I can't concentrate on anything. I feel no desire to even get out of my chair.. even to get away from work. 

This morning when I got up, my WW was still sleeping. I just watched her sleep for 15-20 minutes. The first 5 were filed with longing for her. Then I glanced past her and saw her phone. At that moment and for the next 10, the ups and downs I felt were horrendous. I felt like a torture victim that saw the knife used to carve them up. I wanted to grab it, break her password and dig and dig. It was very hard to not do it. The only thing that made me not do it was the fact that every time I look for something, I find it. And when I do, I feel even worse than before. So, I just left the house. About an hour and a half earlier than I needed to. 

The thought crossed my mind to go pick up paperwork to file for separation. Not sure how that would impact me at this point. Not even sure if I want to do it.. seems like just file for D is the best option. But, I don't know when I can do that or if I really even want to. One side of me hopes that she does it and I get served instead of the other way around. I saw a county sheriff driving by my office today real slow, thought maybe he was looking to give me some paperwork. He kept going.

At least tomorrow after work I am going to the bar with some guys from work. One of their friends is deploying to Afghanistan and they want to hang a bit before he goes. I'll throw some darts, drink a coke and try to not think about things for an hour or so. We'll see how that goes. 

Anyway, not looking for someone to feel sorry for me or try to cheer me up and tell me things will be ok.. just getting some crap off my chest.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Glad you are venting here. This too will pass.


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## forlorn99 (May 20, 2012)

For me every day is a rough day.. It seems that everything I am doing is falling on deaf ears and she does not put forth the same amount of effort into rebuilding our marriage that I am. She says that I do not know how she feels and that she cant express it to me.


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## Rihanna (Jun 5, 2012)

Hang in there. Feeling similar today. Know it will get better and it is fine to feel this way. It is healthy.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

It's just a shell of who she used to be, the inside is hollow. I know that feeling perfectly. It's a shame really.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Your WW cheated with *SO MANY* other men. Any reason that she's still sleeping in YOUR bed? Why haven't you filed yet? Is the sex really that good?


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## Betabuster (Jun 7, 2012)

Pmiller: you stand firm buddy, as lamaga says it will pass

forlorn99: Thats where you're wrong, when your wife is exhibiting bad behavior its not your job to do the work so that she improves. I was a former PUA and i can tell you that the harder you "pull" her the farther she is going to "push" you, do you understand....you need to create a sense of loss in her for her to start "pulling" you...if you have any hope of rebuilding your marriage you need to "attract" your spouse into coming back to the marriage( not worth it having read you're posts) and what your doing is the complete opposite


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

LordMayhem, he's already having a bad day, I'm sure you can back off and attack him at some other time. N'est ce pas?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

lamaga said:


> LordMayhem, he's already having a bad day, I'm sure you can back off and attack him at some other time. N'est ce pas?


He needs 2x4s to come back to reality. 

Yes it hurts but going with the flow will hurt him more in the near future.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Your WW cheated with *SO MANY* other men. Any reason that she's still sleeping in YOUR bed? Why haven't you filed yet? Is the sex really that good?


But sometimes it isn't about the sex.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Just keep repeating 'IT'S ALL PART OF THE PROCESS.' In my darkest moments, that simple phrase got me through the pain and despair. It does get better.

(BTW, I echo Lord Mayhem's question: why is she still in your bed? Move her to the guest bedroom until you decide her fate.)


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Note to Self: in our home, we had seven kids and three bedrooms and a family room we converted into a fourth bedroom. Sometimes there isn't a "guest room" to move into. However, there's usually a couch or something, and frankly, I'd send HER to the couch not you. She's the one who wanted to leave the marital bed 

However, for today, let's just put one foot in front of the other and pick maybe ONE thing you can do that would be a step in the right direction. Are you thinking of separating? Okay today, just figure out how to get the blank papers...the forms. You can fill them out another time. Today, just one thing.


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## pmiller (Jun 2, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Your WW cheated with *SO MANY* other men. Any reason that she's still sleeping in YOUR bed? Why haven't you filed yet? Is the sex really that good?


Wow lordmayham.. you really know how to kick a guy when he's down.. I haven't filed yet for multiple reasons.. one of them is the fact that the "just in case you need to get divorced" fund isn't there. I have been the only one working for years, have a house, plenty of bills and 3 kids to support... sh*ts tight. She's in the bed because she wants to be.. I refuse to sleep on the couch.. and the sex? what sex? been quite awhile for that. Not to mention that I'm not even physically attracted to her any more.. and, I'm sorry I'm not as quick, clear and concise in my decisions as you think I should be.


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## pmiller (Jun 2, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo: No 'guest' room.. and I don't think I should move on of the kids to another room so one of us can take theirs.

I can't MAKE her leave, she has every right to live in the house.. BY LAW.. so, I can stay and pay for everything, I can leave and pay for everything or I can stay and she comes up with some bogus crap the get a retraining order against me so I HAVE to move and guess what.. I'm still paying for everything


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

pmiller said:


> Wow lordmayham.. you really know how to kick a guy when he's down.. I haven't filed yet for multiple reasons.. one of them is the fact that the "just in case you need to get divorced" fund isn't there. I have been the only one working for years, have a house, plenty of bills and 3 kids to support... sh*ts tight. She's in the bed because she wants to be.. I refuse to sleep on the couch.. and the sex? what sex? been quite awhile for that. Not to mention that I'm not even physically attracted to her any more.. and, I'm sorry I'm not as quick, clear and concise in my decisions as you think I should be.


I'n not kicking you, I'm just *ASKING* you questions. Ok, money's tight, I get that. Yet she's sleeping comfortably in your bed while you admit you sit there torturing yourself. Why is she not on the couch? She's the one who's responsible for this mess.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

pmiller said:


> I can't MAKE her leave, she has every right to live in the house.. BY LAW.. so, I can stay and pay for everything, I can leave and pay for everything or I can stay and she comes up with some bogus crap the get a retraining order against me so I HAVE to move and guess what.. I'm still paying for everything


You know she has to stand up in front of a judge and explain to him/her why she needs a restraining order, right? And that you have the *RIGHT* to contest *ANY* such order, right? And how do you contest it? By protecting yourself with a VAR, camera, or witness. There are plenty of people that try to get ROs/POs on other people and they get denied for lack of evidence. She has you running scared, and that you're afraid to put your foot down. Look, I deal with these questions day in and day out as part of my job. 

She bangs so many other men, before and after being married to you with basically no remorse at all. She suffers no consequences, and sleeps peacefully next to you in your bed. And you lie in bed and torture yourself.


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## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

i used to be like you. the best thing is to get rid of the defeatist attitude. yes things are stacked against you but who cares. turn it around and use that tio your advantage. no money, these should be her problems to, but you probably shield her away from all that. she does not know real life so show it to her. the saddest part about most of these stories is that all too often they don't want you back until you have given up. at that point it should be too late but some suckers get persuaded to try again. i felt it was me against the world, so i took the attitude that i would take the world on and WIN. i realized the whole world wasn't against me and i could control my own destiny.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

lamaga said:


> LordMayhem, he's already having a bad day, I'm sure you can back off and attack him at some other time. N'est ce pas?


Excuse me? You say I'm attacking him. I'm just asking questions. I don't see anywhere in this thread that no one can ask questions or make comments. You're always saying someone's attacking you or someone else. Did I say he was a doormat, or a chump, or anything like that? No, I just stated a fact and asked some questions.


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## Betabuster (Jun 7, 2012)

I agree with lordmayhem. You need to ask her to leave plain and simple and don't go into the legal aspect of it unless she tells you that she can't leave because its her RIGHT to stay. And don't ever let her threaten you with anything, she'd have to prove it in court.And if she so much as finds out that you're afraid that she's going to file a restraining order, she's definitely going to do it then Man you need to stand your ground and not give her an inch

See my avatar on the left?

Don't let that be you


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, LordMayhem, judging from Pmiller's response, he perceived your comment as an attack as well.

I know you are fond of your sledgehammer, but part of being an adult is knowing when to wield it and when to refrain.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

skip76 said:


> i used to be like you. the best thing is to get rid of the defeatist attitude. yes things are stacked against you but who cares. turn it around and use that tio your advantage. no money, these should be her problems to, but you probably shield her away from all that. she does not know real life so show it to her. the saddest part about most of these stories is that all too often they don't want you back until you have given up. at that point it should be too late but some suckers get persuaded to try again. i felt it was me against the world, so i took the attitude that i would take the world on and WIN. i realized the whole world wasn't against me and i could control my own destiny.


Thanks for sharing the perspective of someone who has been there.

pmiller, sorry I'm not familiar with all the ins and outs of your threads. Have you visited a dr. for antidepressants? You are struggling right now to make some choices that you know you have to make eventually. Antidepressants don't make you happy, but they do push you out of the deepest trench so that you can exercise sound judgment and the future doesn't look so bleak.

You are in individual counseling, right?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

And pmiller, please strongly consider lordmayhem's suggestion to kick your wife out of the marital bed. This is a small step and an entirely reasonable one given how poorly she has treated you. These are the types of small steps that will give you the courage to take the larger ones that you know are ahead. Take back some of your self-confidence and self-worth. Don't let her rob that along with everything else that she has selfishly taken.


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## pmiller (Jun 2, 2012)

Maybe we should just take a step back here..lol

I took lordmayhems as aggressive.. kinda like a slap in the face saying "Quit your b*tching pansey, you know what needs done.. or are you too busy getting voodoo poonany to man up and do it?" just rubbed me wrong at the moment.

As far as antidepressants.. thanks, but I'll pass..lol. I know I'll get through.. it's not like I am spiraling into depression and will shut everyone out, stop eating, sleeping and kill myself. It's just a rough day when you see that your WW has spent more time talking to her AP on the phone than she has with you face to face in the last month.

Haven't gone to IC yet, last time was a joke.. looking for a decent person to see still.


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> You know she has to stand up in front of a judge and explain to him/her why she needs a restraining order, right? And that you have the *RIGHT* to contest *ANY* such order, right? And how do you contest it? By protecting yourself with a VAR, camera, or witness. There are plenty of people that try to get ROs/POs on other people and they get denied for lack of evidence.


More often than not, the "scared and fearful' woman who stands up in a family court and files a restraining order will get one, because judges err on the side of caution. They don't want their name in the paper the next day because someone got murdered by a violent spouse and their signature on a piece of paper might have prevented that. 

Restraining orders are most often filed exparte (which means the person it's being filed on has no clue until after they're kicked out of their house).

The burden of proof would be on HIM to prove the allegations are false, meanwhile he probably wouldn't get his day in court for quite some time.

That's how it usually works.



pmiller said:


> I haven't filed yet for multiple reasons..


I get that you're in a tight spot, but what are your plans? You aren't going to stay married to this woman forever. Sooner or later you gotta make a move. 

I agree with the others that you oughta try to get her the heck out of the bed. Even if it means doing a bit of yelling or maybe blasting the TV at 3 am, or accidenta.ly spilling a pitcher of cold water all over her and the bed in the middle of the night, or something of that nature.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

pmiller said:


> I have been the only one working for years, have a house, plenty of bills and 3 kids to support... sh*ts tight.


The reality as I see it, 5 years from now, if you do nothing, you're going to be in the same boat. These arguments that, "gee guys, I have a house and bills so I can't do anything", doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. You stay there because you think you can turn it around. If I'd had that logic, I'd still be married to the harpy I was, have more bills than I could afford and been miserable. Instead, I have a new GMC Duramax, my "old GMC Z71 gasser, a camper, a boat, three houses, all of it paid for and most important, a trophy wife that thinks I hung the moon. Stick with these users if you want. I found a better deal. Believe me, the sky's a lot bluer where I am now. I invite you to join me.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Well, LordMayhem, judging from Pmiller's response, he perceived your comment as an attack as well.
> 
> I know you are fond of your sledgehammer, but part of being an adult is knowing when to wield it and when to refrain.


Some of the best advice I ever recieved was in the form of Lordmahem's. Yes, it was somewhat tough to face, but those who were asking the tough questions, from their perspective of having been there, really helped me, in retrospect.
pmiller, friend, this will pass. We know how much pain the initial stages bring. 
Your wife has treated you deplorably, as did many of our spouses. You did not desrve this one bit. 
Take your time to decide and map out a plan. Try to take care of yourself. People here, lordmayhem included, care about you.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Fvstringpicker said:


> The reality as I see it, 5 years from now, if you do nothing, you're going to be in the same boat. These arguments that, "gee guys, I have a house and bills so I can't do anything", doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. You stay there because you think you can turn it around. If I'd had that logic, I'd still be married to the harpy I was, have more bills than I could afford and been miserable. Instead, I have a new GMC Duramax, my "old GMC Z71 gasser, a camper, a boat, three houses, all of it paid for and most important, a trophy wife that thinks I hung the moon. Stick with these users if you want. I found a better deal. Believe me, the sky's a lot bluer where I am now. I invite you to join me.


Good advice. Was your wife financially abusive? That is one of the signs of a personality disorder, as is infidelity.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

In my experience, having helped file for these restraining orders when I clerked at the Public Defender's office, the poster who advised that they are granted rather summarily is right on.I am ashamed I participated in the farce that passes for due process in these deals. I was young and dumb and my job depended on it. Still, no excuse.
So, the VAR is important. And, do not be alone with her. Have witnesses when you deal with her'
You will get an expedited hearing, in most jusrisdictions. But , it can be a kangaroo court as the judges are often still living in the dark ages and do not recognize how nefarious some poor little wives can be. 
In mystate, all that was needed was an allegation that she feared violence, even without any overt act on the man's part. Disgusting, an absolute travesty.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

BigLiam said:


> Good advice. Was your wife financially abusive? That is one of the signs of a personality disorder, as is infidelity.


Not financially abusive but rather abusive because I couldn't nor wanted to keep up with the Jones with just me working and her *****ing I wasn't doing well enough. Whatever personality disorder she may have, I found out after many year I couldn't change it and after all was said and done, I was a hell of a lot better off to let somebody who is a better man than I am try. Every time I think about it I kick my own azz for putting up with it as long as I did. 
What's really funny, and I'll use my own brother as an example, are these cats talking about they need to hang around because of the kids. His old lady cheated on him and abused him for years. After his daughters married, he finally had a belly full of it, and left her. My niece, his oldest, recently told him she was now proud of him because she always thought of him a wimp and coward for putting up with her abusive mother. You have to wonder what other older kids think when one of their parents puts up with such crap. If I'd ever saw my daddy cowering to a cheating wife, I wouldn't have any respect for him.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Fvstringpicker said:


> Not financially abusive but rather abusive because I couldn't nor wanted to keep up with the Jones with just me working and her *****ing I wasn't doing well enough. Whatever personality disorder she may have, I found out after many year I couldn't change it and after all was said and done, I was a hell of a lot better off to let somebody who is a better man than I am try. Every time I think about it I kick my own azz for putting up with it as long as I did.
> What's really funny, and I'll use my own brother as an example, are these cats talking about they need to hang around because of the kids. His old lady cheated on him and abused him for years. After his daughters married, he finally had a belly full of it, and left her. My niece, his oldest, recently told him she was now proud of him because she always thought of him a wimp and coward for putting up with her abusive mother. You have to wonder what other older kids think when one of their parents puts up with such crap. If I'd ever saw my daddy cowering to a cheating wife, I wouldn't have any respect for him.


One cosideration in staying for the kids should be exposure to alimony(now called spousal maintainence, I guess).
If the marriage is long enough , the cheater may qulaify.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

BigLiam said:


> One cosideration in staying for the kids should be exposure to alimony(now called spousal maintainence, I guess).
> If the marriage is long enough , the cheater may qulaify.


If she stays it ain't free. What does it cost to keep her up while she lays up on her azz getting her rocks off with other guys. Ole P.M. is working his azz off so she can live comfortable. Personally, I think alimony may be cheaper (and it tax deductible) I'd hit the trail if I were him and let the chip fall where they will. Rent a house, move out and see how well she does without utilities.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Fvstringpicker said:


> If she stays it ain't free. What does it cost to keep her up while she lays up on her azz getting her rocks off with other guys. Ole P.M. is working his azz off so she can live comfortable. Personally, I think alimony may be cheaper (and it tax deductible) I'd hit the trail if I were him and let the chip fall where they will. Rent a house, move out and see how well she does without utilities.


This is why it is prudent to move to divorce quickly, in some cases. I dodged the alimony deal by mere months. Same with SS entitlement.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If PMiller---wanted to do something, he would do it---he seems to prefer being miserable. If that is what he wants he is welcome to it

Yes your wife can stay in the house---but why is she in the bedroom with you---take everything she owns, find a small room in the house, and dump it in there, her, along with the clothes

She may be entitled to the house, but she sure as he*l is not entitled to live in comfort

Since she wants to be independent, I E---Screw my mge/h./kids---why isn't she now paying half of the bills---half of everything---is she still on your medical insurance, is she now paying half of the house mtg., insurance, car payments, car insurance---if not WHY NOT---she wants to be independent, and screw around with other men, going outside the mge----PUT HER OUTSIDE THE MGE----make her a boarder/roommate, whatever---

You may not have the money at this time to use an atty---but you can do the D., all by yourself----You can even print ALL the required forms, right off your computer----also why haven't you filed a Legal Seperation agreement, so you are not financially rersponsible for her

You moan and groan about the destruction she has brought down, to everyone, she is involved with---AND YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO DO THAT---but you also need to do something about all of this---right now you do nothing, you complain about it---what is it you want from us------only YOU can RECTIFY your situation---and allowing your wife all the same comforts she has had since the beginning of your mge., doesn't show ANY ACCOUNTABILITY, on anyone's part.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

There is a huge roadblock, for betrayed's, when it comes to D.---Everyone seems to think, YOU MUST GO TO AN ATTY.

1st you can print every single form needed for D, Legal Sep, Child Custody, right off of your computer---THEY ARE ALL THERE, JUST WAITING FOR YOU.

You do not need an Atty, for many D---only, in the end, to go into court, if the D., is going to be contested

Every single code/law/statue--is listed on the computer---you in all essence, know exactly what an atty. knows---he just has more experience with it all

You as a betrayed, can do all the prelim work, and your costs, would be the filing/service fees---AND THAT IS IT

As I said, you only need the Atty, to go into court.

Almost all Atty's, will give you a free consultation, explaining the process, and your rights---YOU CAN TAKE IT FROM THERE

There is absolutely no reason for a betrayed to claim he/she is stuck, CUZ YOU ARE NOT-----there may be other reasons, a betrayed won't leave the mge., but legal costs do not have to be one of those reasons!!!!!


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## pmiller (Jun 2, 2012)

BigLiam said:


> Some of the best advice I ever recieved was in the form of Lordmahem's. Yes, it was somewhat tough to face, but those who were asking the tough questions, from their perspective of having been there, really helped me, in retrospect.


I'm not saying his advice isn't sound.. it was the application of the advice and the timing that got to me. It is very apparent that he means well and probably has some very good advice to give.. as most members here do.


Fvstringpicker said:


> If she stays it ain't free... Rent a house, move out and see how well she does without utilities.


Given my position with that I have been the only one paying bills and supporting the family for years, even though she has a job now, that would be considered by the court to be abandonment. I have enough things to worry about now, no need to throw fuel on the fire.


jnj express said:


> If PMiller---wanted to do something, he would do it---he seems to prefer being miserable. If that is what he wants he is welcome to it
> Yes your wife can stay in the house---but why is she in the bedroom with you---take everything she owns, find a small room in the house, and dump it in there, her, along with the clothes
> 
> She may be entitled to the house, but she sure as he*l is not entitled to live in comfort
> ...





jnj express said:


> There is a huge roadblock, for betrayed's, when it comes to D.---Everyone seems to think, YOU MUST GO TO AN ATTY.
> 
> 1st you can print every single form needed for D, Legal Sep, Child Custody, right off of your computer---THEY ARE ALL THERE, JUST WAITING FOR YOU.
> 
> ...


I am doing something about it. I have already had a couple consults, I have already located, downloaded and looked over the paperwork for a D. My state doesn't have any official forms for S. So that is something I have to find elsewhere and hope the court would accept it. The paperwork isn't exactly easy to fill out either. But, I will get it finished, maybe have a lawyer look it over before I do anything with it. 

Judging by what I was told, my WW has a near 0 chance of long term support and a very slim chance of temp support. If she does get it, it would be minimal and not very long, like 2 years or so. But, I don't care about the money. If I have to pay it, I will. Might not be too happy about it but I will do it. 

As far as why I haven't been blazing forward.. This is a big f'n deal that is going to affect me for many years to come. I want to make sure I am prepared and have my bases covered. I don't like surprises in a situation like this. Not to mention the part that I have to handle some things delicately. As I mentioned in another post (which some of you may or may not have seen) We have 3 kids.. 2 of which are mine and 1 from her previous marriage (referred to as 'eldest' from now on). We have been together since before the eldest was 1. I have been in his life since then and am the only man he knows as 'dad'. Granted, he knows his bio-dad, but doesn't talk to him or see him. Doesn't even receive b-day cards or anything from him.

No matter who says what or how, that boy is MY kid. I love him just as much as the 2 that are my bio-kids. Unfortunately, since I never legally adopted him, I have no legal right to see him as far as visitation. That means if I want to see him and remain part of his life, it is only out of kindness from my WS. That is the only string she will have over me.. and it's a big one.

Anyway, the deal is much bigger than what I post here. I am a very private person and took a lot to even come here to post. So, not every little aspect of what is happening on my side is out here for the world to see.


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## pmiller (Jun 2, 2012)

donders said:


> More often than not, the "scared and fearful' woman who stands up in a family court and files a restraining order will get one, because judges err on the side of caution. They don't want their name in the paper the next day because someone got murdered by a violent spouse and their signature on a piece of paper might have prevented that.
> 
> Restraining orders are most often filed exparte (which means the person it's being filed on has no clue until after they're kicked out of their house).
> 
> ...





BigLiam said:


> In my experience, having helped file for these restraining orders when I clerked at the Public Defender's office, the poster who advised that they are granted rather summarily is right on.I am ashamed I participated in the farce that passes for due process in these deals. I was young and dumb and my job depended on it. Still, no excuse.
> ...
> In mystate, all that was needed was an allegation that she feared violence, even without any overt act on the man's part. Disgusting, an absolute travesty.


Nearly verbatim what I was told by a lawyer. All she needs is an allegation. and she gets it.. then it's in court docs and brought up during the D. True or not. Then it affects everything from property, spousal support, child support and visitation. And brought up every time we argue about something in the future as a weapon to use against me if we have to go to court for any type of modification.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

We are here to help you---Mge/D/R/Affairs-----situations none of us would really wish to discuss, there is much in the way of hurt/pain/disagreements/whathaveyou

No one here wants to hurt you---they give you their experience/wisdom/advice----you do with it as you please

No one anywhere will ever walk in your shoes---only you---but if you do want help, then you have to give us the info needed for each of us in our own way to pick apart your situation, and tell you what we think

Some will tell you one way, others will tell you another way---but the collective group, can probably give you more than any other group will be able to, in the way of ideas, on how to deal, with your situation---but you on your part, should give us everything, do not hold back, cuz it just makes it all that much harder.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

pmiller said:


> Anyway, the deal is much bigger than what I post here. I am a very private person and took a lot to even come here to post. So, not every little aspect of what is happening on my side is out here for the world to see.


and as a result we can only advise/comment based on what you have told us


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

pmiller said:


> Nearly verbatim what I was told by a lawyer. All she needs is an allegation. and she gets it.. then it's in court docs and brought up during the D. True or not. Then it affects everything from property, spousal support, child support and visitation. And brought up every time we argue about something in the future as a weapon to use against me if we have to go to court for any type of modification.


Allowing fear of potential future false allegations from your wife to hamper your actions is like remaining in a jail cell with an unlocked door because you are afraid of what you might find outside of the cell.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

You are afraid of her filing for RO, you are afraid of your financial condition, you are afraid of her not allowing to visit the elder, you are afraid of filing for D, you are afraid to ask her to sleep on couch, Can i ask you, When you are going to come out of this fears?


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## DaKarmaTrain! (May 17, 2012)

jnj express said:


> There is a huge roadblock, for betrayed's, when it comes to D.---Everyone seems to think, YOU MUST GO TO AN ATTY.
> 
> 1st you can print every single form needed for D, Legal Sep, Child Custody, right off of your computer---THEY ARE ALL THERE, JUST WAITING FOR YOU.
> 
> ...


I am self-represented in my divorce/full child custody case I started nearly a month ago. I am fully confident I will come out on top.

My decision to go this route was I did not want to drop $10-20,000 on this case when I know I have a good shot at doing it all by myself.

The only drawback to self-representation is all the time it takes to file paperwork/serve paperwork etc...had to take some time off of work to do all of this, but it will be worth it


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

pmiller said:


> Given my position with that I have been the only one paying bills and supporting the family for years, even though she has a job now, that would be considered by the court to be abandonment. I have enough things to worry about now, no need to throw fuel on the fire.


So its considered abandonment and you get stuck with a little alimony. I'd bet the alimony is a damn site cheaper than what's its costing now in money alone. You appear to have an excuse for not taking any ones advice and/or getting out, period. If you want to just vent and hope something magic happens to make her regain interest in you, that's fine by me. Tell us what you see your life like in the next couple or three years. I predict you'll still be where your are and your old lady will have bagged several more guys. It's like my great uncle, Michel from New Iberia Louisiana would say, " I don tink dat boy wants to see de truth in reality"


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## pmiller (Jun 2, 2012)

I know that the members here are here to help.. why else would they read all of this? As far as 'doing with it what I please'.. that is a double edge sword. it seems that if I disagree, then I am a p*ssy or afraid to make a decision.

I guess I should create another post about everything that is actually happening. I do understand that it would be easier to get advice or input when others know the variables too. So, you guys are right about that part for sure.

As far as being afraid to file or do anything that will make the WS angry.. I don't see it that way. I'm not afraid that she will file for a restraining order.. but I sure don't want to give her the idea to do so. I don't want to give her a reason to keep the eldest from me either. 

From what I can see.. the best approach is more like a 'fire for effect'. To be prepared and positioned to get the best outcome before the trigger is even pulled. 

That's what I am doing now.. gathering info, looking over filing paperwork, trying to find a suitable legal doc for legal separation since my state does not have one, figuring out a new budget, finding a way to get an atty if I need one, getting new insurance quotes to cover the kids, figuring out a way to keep her from taking everything I have; material and financial, trying to figure out how to change the CS in the paperwork I have since it doesn't calculate properly considering 50/50 custody, trying to design the parenting plan that you have to have and having to take into consideration every holiday, birthday, school break, vacation, where to pick up and drop off and what time... There's more, just can't think of it all right now.

So, it's a little overwhelming and very involved.. if anyone else wants to ask 'why I haven't filed yet' read the last 2 paragraphs again..lol


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

forlorn99 said:


> For me every day is a rough day.. It seems that everything I am doing is falling on deaf ears and she does not put forth the same amount of effort into rebuilding our marriage that I am. She says that I do not know how she feels and that she cant express it to me.


My STBEH did the same. Very little effort. It seemed I as the betrayed spouse was the one making all the changes to improve the marriage. 

Of course he was happy. But, I was plagued by doubts, anger, triggers, and kept finding out about more lies almost weekly. 

The new lies really hurt. 

My STBEH mainly complained about how stressed he was and all his problems. Before the affair it was all about him, and now it's still all about him. Of course he caused the stress and problems, but he will only grudgingly admit that. 

We really had a good marriage. He had a lot of freedom to do guy things and such. Now that I found out he really wasn't with the guys of course he can't do those things. 

But he doesn't' seem to understand that. He thinks he can just go on as before the affair going out on camping trips while I sit and hope wondering if he is with the guys or a lover.

I decided to file for divorce because I don't think he's putting in the effort and because of that, more triggers developed daily.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

keko said:


> He needs 2x4s to come back to reality.
> 
> Yes it hurts but going with the flow will hurt him more in the near future.


So True:

I needed a 2 x 4 to wake me up. 

I mean seriously, finding condoms years ago, early in our marriage, and we don't use them, and I believed his song and dance that they were old and from prior to our marriage. 

I think my STBEH has been cheating my entire marriage. 

The one that I found our about was likely the only one that came to light.


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