# I think it's over. I think that it SHOULD be over. Maybe. What do you think?



## ThingyStuff (Apr 24, 2011)

I met my boyfriend just over 3 years ago online. I, a Canadian, lived in Europe, he lived in the UK. I was planning to move to London anyway, so we got chatting and quickly realised we got on better than anyone I’d ever met. He was open and honest and gorgeous and funny and kind and smart. We could talk for hours. He wasn’t shy about telling me how he felt and did little nice things (texts, etc) to tell me he was thinking of me.

We decided to meet, had an awesome time, became official, fell in love, etc. He asked if I’d move to Northern England while he job hunted for a job in London (I wanted to move to London, and he said he had wanted to for ages as well, but had bought a house in Manchester and had settled down a bit, but he was eager to go). I was nuts about him.

When I moved to him in Manchester, things were fantastic. Like any couple, we had a few problems.
- The sex dwindled. Almost immediately, his desire to talk about it, do it, etc, were lessened. I had to do a lot of the initiating. I asked if he was using porn and he said no. So I checked, and he had been. It isn’t a huge deal to be using porn, but it shouldn’t be coming ahead of me. I can’t stand being lied to, so I got quite upset, and he said he was sorry and he understood, and he’d be honest and try to work on the sex thing. Didn’t really happen. Whereas before we’d talked about all kinds of stuff (including sex) suddenly it made him uncomfortable, as did being approached when he wasn’t in the mood. And he wasn’t in the mood very often. I started to feel humiliated, suspicious, and deceived, which made me ask loads of questions and feel like something was off in our relationship. A lot of our other problems likely stemmed from this (lack of sex + continued lies)

-Somewhere along the line, he said that he hates talking about his feelings/himself. He hadn’t minded at the start. This also caused a lot of problems, as I’d approach him wanting to talk about the sex issue / other issues (admittedly, I was likely a bit of a pest) and he’d just shut off and blow me off. But needless to say, being ignored frustrated me and made me feel like he didn’t care, which made me push harder. He actually told me at one point he was ignoring me because he wanted to “train” me to back off when he wanted. I felt sometimes like my needs for closeness (emotional and physical) were being shot down. 

- When we argued, we were horrible at it. Nothing ever got resolved. I’d go bonkers/he’d close down. I’d want to talk later. He’d cringe. I’d want to solve things. He’d want them to go away. 

-Occasionally, when he closed himself off, I’d push him. I wanted a reaction or something. On a couple of occasionally (including my birthday) this lead to a horrible argument that became physical. He’s a foot taller than me. 

There were lots of good times, though. We took a month long trip to Thailand, Vietnam and Cambodia, and backpacked all over together. We cooked together lots of nights, and enjoyed going out to eat. We went out, with our friends and separately. We talked and cuddled and he’d tell me he loved me and I was gorgeous and smart and all that. For my part, after the bad fights, I didn’t quite feel the same way about him, but I still wasn’t ready to leave.

++++
Fast forward to now.
We have moved to London, and things have gone downhill in a big hurry. 
- The sex has almost stopped.

-We argued more. He told me he was unhappy.

- He started telling me I was being clingy and needed to give him more space. I likely was. This is because…

-He stopped telling me he loved me as much, that I’m gorgeous or smart or funny.

- I was feeling a bit insecure because of his new friends (see below), the fact that I don’t have a job yet, that he’s paying more money for stuff, etc. And the past couple jobs I’ve had have been kind of lousy, and I just in general feel like I’m not living up to my potential.

-The house is a mess, I fall behind on house work, I can never bring myself to do enough of it. But then, he doesn’t help at all.

- He’s made all these new friends from his new job. The first night I went out with them, he was VERY attentive to a pretty girl from his work. I chatted with her a bit, but felt like I had to struggle to get his attention. I asked him about her and he said she’s just really friendly and he follows suit, but he can see how it looks wrong. And then he started staying up late on facebook, chatting with ANOTHER girl from work. I was even more suspicious of her after seeing a couple words of their chats here and there. 

-He was playing iPhone scrabble with this girl, and when I asked to see what the game looked like, he showed me. However, instead of a game, their conversation popped up. She said that the winner owes the loser a cuddle. He agreed. I asked him about it ad he said that it was within the context of an earlier conversation which he couldn’t tell me about because she had told it to him in confidence and he would never betray someone’s confidence. I told him that unless he could tell me what the context was, I would think he was being a butt. He said he was fine with that.

- I always wanted to know who was texting and what was up. Obviously this annoyed him, but given his sudden obsession with his iPhone and all… he refused to tell me stuff. It caused arguments. 

-Things came to a head a couple weeks ago. I was off from work and decided to have a snoop. I found: An American friend of his had offered to email him naked pictures of herself. He accepted and asked for more. The (second) girl from his work and him had been talking loads, with him saying he likes her and wants to hang out and lay together in a park with some of their clothes off (WTF?). She says she doesn’t want to be number 2 to anyone. He says I’m his girlfriend in name only at this point. He’d also been Googling call girls and flights to various Eastern European countries along with the “adult nightlife” in those countries.

Awesome.

As we’d recently moved down, I don’t have many close friends or a permanent job yet (I’m temping) so I felt trapped along with everything else. I also thought he’d be furious if he knew I’d been snooping so I decided to hold my tongue.

As an aside: I’m going back to Canada for a wedding next week. At first, he was supposed to come with me, but after asking if he was coming a couple times and getting a vague “I’ll think about it”, I stopped asking. 

Well, a couple days ago, he said we needed to talk about us. I immediately agreed and said that our problems were mutual. We broke up while cuddled in bed, holding hands, being nicer to each other than we had in months. He said I’m too good for him, and he’s so sorry and it wasn’t my fault at all, that he completely understood where I was coming from. He said I was a fantastic listener and he wished he could have talked to me more. 

And suddenly the flood gates opened. He told me that every time I pestered him about something he’d done wrong, he felt horrible. I told him that I would have shut up instantly if I’d known, I just wanted to know that he CARED. When he blew me off, I felt like he only liked me when things were going well, and wasn’t fussed about my feelings when I was upset. He said he felt relieved, because he likes to sit off more than me and he felt like a letdown when I wanted to go out and he wanted to stay in. I’d have happily gone off on my own had I not been worried about what eh was getting up to when eh was alone.

Basis for a healthy relationship, eh?

Anyway. I’m gutted. The past couple days have been so nice and honest, and even though I was really to end it myself last week, this is hitting me so much harder than I thought It would. After all the horrible stuff I found on his computer, and even our horrible arguments up in Manchester, I should have been out the door like a shot. Instead, I’m just so sad, thinking about how, maybe, if I hadn’t picked at him or pestered him so much, it would have been okay. He’d have felt safe opening up to me. Reading all the posts on here, I see I did a lot wrong but usually I just blamed him. 

And then the other side of me says that he should have communicated with me. That he cared, that he felt pressured, anything. 

I miss our relationship at the start. I miss our inside jokes. I will miss HIM. The past couple nights since the breakup have been so kind and sweet and he’s inviting me to do things with him this weekend, and telling me how amazing I am and how he wants to stay close friends. 

So, after all that..there’s a tiny wee hope in me that now we’ve talked it could maybe be okay. I know, rationally, it can’t be and I likely shouldn’t want it to be anyway. I just keep thinking about all the good times and the way he smells and how he was my best friend and dining partner and travel buddy and all that for a lot of the last 3 years. 

And it kills me to know that I could have been a lot better. After reading here, I ca see it a lot more. If I could go back in time I'd do some stuff differently. 

Is it time to let go? Run? Go home for a month and let him stew? 

Sorry to have written a novel. Thanks for reading.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Yes. Have you ever thought about living in a hostel while settling into a new place? I think it would be good for you. A chance to meet new friends, no hassle of housekeeping, you can focus on finding a job and then a roommate situation with other people that you get along with. 

It sounds like you are competent and outgoing and full of energy but have faltered and not given yourself the acknowledgement of confidence. You should not trust this man's competence more than you trust yourself. You can certainly take care of yourself and you will. But not as long as you keep relying on him. 

Yes. I won't say you will find happiness guaranteed, but whatever emotions you do find in your life, will be all your own, and you'll feel much better about them because you will be able to make decisions unfettered by this dicey relationship. He is not on the same page as you, probably not even in the same book or the same library. In fact, he's not even reading.

PS You're in London. So go do what you imagined you'd be doing in London!


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## LadyEC (Jul 6, 2011)

We, people in general, like to always remember the good times in a relationship before we even think of the bad parts when we break up. But there’s a good chance that the good may be outweighed the bad, which led to the breakup to begin with. 

Ask yourself this- “is he acting nice to me now because he's relieved that the relationship is over and he feels like he doesn't need to try to work anything else out? Or is he acting nice to me because he may think that the relationship can be salvageable?

I agree with Homemaker_Numero_Uno, when he said that you are both on different pages. And I'm sorry, but if I go by what you wrote then I don't think he really wants to be with you anymore. 

I know what you are going through, I also have no family or close friends were I leave right now and am also going through a similar breakup, and my H is acting nice to me right now but deep inside I know that he's relieved that we are parting separate ways. So hang in there, and I know it's a cliché for me to say, especially when I'm hurting because of my own breakup, but you will get through this and everything is going to be alright. *Good luck to you *


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

This guy has so many issues. No reasonable person would let them get to that. He was treating you very badly, and you had every right to react the way you did.

You should not be thinking what if, because I believe if you didn't react that way he would have still done those things and just thought you were cool with it. He didn't like that you called him on his behaviour.


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## ThingyStuff (Apr 24, 2011)

It's just....after reading all the studs on here, I am starting to feel horrible because I am seeing that I made a lot of mistakes and put a lot of pressure on him. Some of the posts here just say when you want something lots, ask for it less and sort yourself out. I didn't do that, I just became a nag. But how was he to know I needed more sex/honesty/whatever if I didn't speak up? 

I just feel regretful because maybe I could have done a better job. 

How much does being married play into it? I mean, we haven't taken vows and have no kids together. How much does that change the amount of effort you are willing to put in before you should walk?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Well, I hate paperwork. So it was a deterrent.
And served the purpose of me being absolutely certain about my decision. It also made me do a lot of unnecessary mental gymnastics to accommodate abuse. Then, Thank God, I had some brain damage and couldn't overthink anything. So the excuses became less and less viable as far as wrapping my head around it. Please don't think that marriage will make things better, or blame yourself. Maybe you need more time for yourself and making your own life happen before you get into a relationship with someone who only has a PIECE of what you want. Start putting the puzzle of your life together on your own...


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## Hausfrau (Sep 18, 2010)

Look, did you make mistakes? Sure. It sounds to me like you got involved in the classic push/pull dynamic: the more you "pushed" for closeness, the more he "pulled" away from you, which led you to push harder, which led him to pull away further...etc. I think many of us have been there. And who could blame for for being a little bit needy after giving up your home and moving to a new country?

I think what you need to focus on is how he treated you when things got tough. It's easy to be kind and loving when things are going well, but a mature, worthwhile, committed partner does NOT use problems as an excuse to flirt with other people and treat you with disrespect. From what you've written, this guy only wants a playmate, not a committed life partner. He doesn't deserve you, and you deserve better. 

I tend to think that every experience, good or bad, can be used to teach us something. You have some good lessons here...take them and use them to build a better relationship with someone who is worth your time and effort.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He has too many problems. Leave him alone and let him deal with them. If he does, maybe you can get back together in the future. But he never will with you soothing him.


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## ThingyStuff (Apr 24, 2011)

Hey ladies.

Thanks so so much for listening. I leave on Thursday, and instead of being excited, for some reason, today I can’t stop crying. It’s really hitting home that in a few days we’ll have no reason to be in contact, and it sucks (he wants to stay friends, but I think at least at the start, it would be too hard). 

The irrational part of me says: This sucks. This sucks so so much. He said to me this weekend that back when things were good, he thought we’d get married. I thought we would too one day. We joked about our kids names and how he’d make horrible dad jokes and also talked seriously about religion and values and all that. I was so content, thinking I’d found this great match. We travelled the world. We cooked together, and never ran out of things to say. We just worked. And I did my share of stupid things in this relationship: I let some of the cooler parts of myself slide (hobbies, not finding a job straight away here in London..but I wanted a COOL job that we’d both be proud of me for having), and was naggy rather than kind. I should have walked away and let him follow me a bit. I regret that. And this past week has shown me how my actions have contributed to messing things up. I just feel horrible, and I miss him, and this tiny but of me just wants to hold on and try more, even though I think we must be too far gone. 

The (hopefully) rational part of me says: He started it. He was worse. We didn’t have sex which made me feel crappy about myself, and he didn’t really want to fix the issue (well, not enough to try, I guess). He lied about porn/jerking and then lied again after I told him the first time how much I need honesty in a relationship and how much it hurt me to be lied to. I couldn’t trust him completely after that. He had a bad temper (we talked about it on the weekend – more on that in a sec), and now all this rubbish on his computer about other girls. That trumps a bit of nagging and being too depressed / lazy to find a job, and going out less than usual due to lack of trust / stress / lack of money. And I don’t trust him. And he’s likely diseased now. We’re too far gone.

NOTE: I told him that one of the major reasons I was so down on him was my birthday weekend last year. In a nutshell: I was sillydrunk, wanted to get a cab home because the walk from the train station was uphill and I was all dressed up. He hates wasting money, but he agreed. Halfway through (but at the top of the hill) I said I wanted to get out because we’d gone up the hill and that was all I wanted. We got home, he said I was acting like an irrational fool, and shouted at me. I was shocked. He went silent and started to ignore me when I wanted to know what was up with him. He started pointedly ignoring me and typing on his laptop. I banged it shut. He… well, you know the rest. Anyway. I brought it up yesterday, and he said it was like poking a caged animal. That I knew he was emotionally charged and I should have backed off. One bit of me KNOWS it’s no excuse, and the other bit of me thinks that, actually, I WAS looking for a response. Just not the one I got.

But I miss him. I miss the good times. I miss the potential we had. I am truly afraid that I will never meet anyone who I love as much as I loved him at the start, or who’ll be such a good match for me. It just felt so right. And all the stuff that I was so horrible before suddenly seems a) repairable b) insignificant c) my fault. I am dreading Thursday.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I cried when I was close to the truth. 
For me that was that my STBXH wanted to stay in touch with me so that he could continue playing me and keeping me from making a clean break. I had to send him a sort of no-contact email. Only reason to contact me is logsitics. No I love you or stuff like that, stay away from my kids. It was hard to do but I do not want to put myself in a position of being vulnerable and being played by the wolf in sheep's clothing who knows my triggers and vulnerabilities. He pulled the 'higher power' thing on me as a last resort. He is an atheist so that clicked it for me. Definitely manipualtive and so disgusting he would use my faith against me. 

You will feel better on Thursday. I would advise no contact. I think a guy wants to be friends with someone who has left them for abusive controlling behavior so he can look good to future prospects also to have the possibility of sex or whatever when he needs to make other women feel insecure in a relationship with him, and to stroke his ego or fix a control need when he needs it, or worse, to use along with porn to get off. I know my STBXH, if he admits to j*acking off to his married gf he was staying in touch with, I'm fairly certain he would do it to me. I made sure there are no photos of me anywhere that he can use, no facebook, nothing. 

It IS sad when you find out that your partner is not the kind of person who can hold up 1/2 of a mutually supportive relationship. You probably made short-term sacrifices expecting support in return and the short-term sacrifices turned into long-term ones. 

About the cab. I totally get it that you wanted to go up the hill and then to walk especially if you'd been drinking and were dressed up. It was also your birthday and your outing and it should have gone the way you desired. I hope your next birthday you are in a better place.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ThingyStuff said:


> I am truly afraid that I will never meet anyone who I love as much as I loved him at the start, or who’ll be such a good match for me.


I'd ask you to step back and be a little more rational and logical, rather than emotional.

If you were such a good match, there would have been no problem in bed. If you were such a good match, he wouldn't withdraw, you wouldn't attack. He wouldn't get disgusted with you when you got drunk on your birthday. He wouldn't/you wouldn't a lot of things.

You're romanticizing a relationship that was built on PEA chemicals, those brain chemicals that make you feel on top of the world, for no longer than 2 or 3 years, that have been in humans since caveman days (to keep us procreating). They disappear, the body stops producing them after you've been together a couple years, and then all you have left is the REAL connection, not the euphoria-based one. You're finding out now that THAT connection wasn't all that strong. 

And, as I said, he has a lot of issues. He needs help. He needs to be alone to do that. Maybe he'll get to a point where he wants to work on himself, and may show up again later, a better man (but don't count on it). In the meantime, what you had was NOT working.


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## ThingyStuff (Apr 24, 2011)

Last day of work today. yesterday was horrible. I actually had to leave halfway throuigh the day because I was such a wreck and couldn't get through anything. I went to the doctor, because they said to check in before I go (to make sure I'm still on the waiting list for therapy if/when I come back) and cried to the doctor for a while. He offered me medication. I asked what he usually doles out for people in my situation. He said cyanide for the boyfriend. haha. The look on his face when I told him about some of the stuff i found kind of reminded me how actually, he's been unacceptable. I've been annoying, but my behaviour wouldn't ever make anyone make the face my doctor did!

It keeps coming back, though. I'm trying to fight as best I can, but it keeps sneaking up on me that he's my ex, that he can do whatever he wants, that he'll likely meet some new girl and think she's better than me.

And depending on the situation I've been mantra-ing "Not my problem anymore" (as in.. who's texting him? Not my problem! is he gonna get a prostitute or 2? not my problem! Gonna date that girl he was texting? Not my problem..in fact, he can be HER problem!) or "I diserve better" When I think about it that way, I DO, but it's a slow process to keep remembering it.

I'm off tomorrow, home by myself to get my stuff packed up and a key box or 2 stored at a friend's house. I'll leave most my less important stuff at the shared flat, but make sure anything irreplacable/I'd want to pay to have shipped home is with my friend or coming with me. I can't imagine anything bad would happen if it was left at our shared flat, but it's good for peace of mind.

It feels like such an uphill battle at the moment, because I'll have 5 good minutes where I think that this is good, I can focus on me, this will make excellent novel material, etc. And then I see something that reminds me of our time together and I just crumble a bit. I feel stupid and cheated and foolish and ashamed and STILL manage to miss what we shared. 

Logically, you're right. It's completely stupid to cling to this whole "looove!" thing. And maybe I AM lucky to be getting away with my face intact.

How do I go about finding ME and my passion and a great life after all this? I've let myself down by being complacent, and now I want to be awesome. I've got no job, no ties, no flat... I'm a mopnth and a half away from 30. What would you do?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How? You spend a LOT of time by yourself. Alone. No one around. 

So you have to think.

Thinking is what will get you to the right place in your life. It will help you learn who you are. It will show you how you react to things, how you feel about things, what your core beliefs are, you knee-jerk reactions to things, your weaknesses, things you should fix, your strengths...all of it.

Can't find all that out if you cloak your being with other people and things. They just mask, they don't repair. That requires YOU.

And I SO envy you! 30 years old, no ties, free to move anywhere in the world, get any job you want to try for, free to start a new education plan to get the career you've always wanted, change your life, become who you've always wanted to be but never strived for because you were always tempering what YOU want with pleasing everyone else...I'm excited for you!


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## triniti (Jul 2, 2011)

it was hard for me to read your story because i had been in so many dysfunctional relationships with a similar dynamic to yours before i met my husband. i had been cheated on too and it was the same series of questions in my head - what if i had just reacted this way and not that? what if...? 

we all act/react to each other in ways that are not becoming of us when we are emotional, but that's not a reason to go off and cheat on you. he took the easy way out - he is weak and immature, and certainly not marriage material. you should count your blessings that you didn't marry him because if you had, the pain you are feeling right now would be so much worse. marriage can be tough sometimes and it takes two people who are not only committed to each other, but committed to being happy above anything else to make a marriage successful, and this guy sounds way too immature. 

one of the things i did when i went through this was count my days of sobriety. when one's relationship becomes an emotional roller coaster ride, we tend to become addicted to these emotions and clingy and needy for love/attention/affection and all else that we may have felt at one time and are left wanting. in a sense, we become like addicts and the negative relationship our drug. 

within a month of being 'sober', i guarantee you will have a clearer perspective on this whole matter. 

good luck! it's summer in london and there are festivals all over - try to enjoy them. you will meet men who are strong enough and more mature enough to go through tough times with you soon enough!

let the healing begin...


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## ThingyStuff (Apr 24, 2011)

Well, he snooped ME and said he knew what I knew about his online activities, so I might as well start unloading on him. And he was really good about it, after his initial grouchyness at the amount I snooped. I was really calm and knew my mission was just to tell him I knew, rather than to demand answers to get something out of him. I wanted to tell him I was hurt and disappointed and shocked.

He had explanations for stuff. Maybe not the best ones, but ones that made sense to me.
1. The naked pics from his "friend"- He said he had no real attraction to her/ That she offered, and he was curious so he said yes (as most guys would, he said). But it was no THING to him, and he only commented after because WTF else do you say when someone offers to send you naked pics. I said he wasn't supposed to accept them at all. He semi agreed, but said that any guy in his position would have done the same. I asked if he would have, when we were at our best. He said maybe not.
2. The cheap flights / hookers / whatever - He said he was watching a TV show about sex trade in Eastern Europe, and then he started googling, and then stuff that was local to London came up and he wanted to see. Curiosity. He said that it looked bad, but he's looked up every kind of stupid thing in the world online at one point or another. I once emailed a call girl to ask how much she earned per year for the same reason, so I guess it makes sense. He said he was embarrassed to be talking about that kind of stuff. I told him he can talk about it NOW and that's exactly the kind of relationship I wanted with him the whole time. He said he's shocked at how well I take information that I might not have wanted to hear, and he thought I only wanted to know stuff as long as it was good stuff. 
3. The dating websites he's been on - Escapism, and he just wanted to see what else was out there.
4. The girl with the texts - He said it was an awful thing to do and he felt awful, and he was basically just looking to escape because he was confused and lacked the guts to end things with us. He said he has no interest in her, really, and she kissed him once but overall he was kind of just enjoying the light flirtyness of it. I called him on a bunch of stuff and he just kept saying how sorry he was. He likes the beginning bit of a relationship, where everything is good and perfect, and he said it just kind of felt like that so he was going with it, but mostly he just kept saying how sorry he was.

And then it was late so I walked away to let him sleep and said we'd talk more tonight. But after I left the room, I just collapsed and hyperventilated and had to go wake him up again because I couldn't breathe. And he sat there making me breathe into things and rubbing my back for ages and saying it was all his fault and he was sorry and he'd never be happy with anyone because I was perfect for him and he screwed it up. And I kept saying it wasn't fair, and I didn't want anyone else and I knew things were too messed up to fix (I wasn't begging) but it just wasn't FAIR and it sucked and I was just so so unhappy with how this has all played out.

He wants to be friends. He keeps saying that. And I want to go back in time.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Honestly I am not trying to be harsh but it seems you will just about accept anything from him. I am very sorry you can't see you are worth more, and that you would buy even a tiny part of the stories he tells you.

he is very immature and in no way ready for a serious relationship... in fact he may never be ready.


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## ThingyStuff (Apr 24, 2011)

Ugh. Is it really that far-fetched? I don't even know which way is up anymore. I just miss him and what we had, and this guy who's actually told me what's up with him, he's the one I fell for. 

I can't even bring myself to pack. Or breathe.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Hey you!
You know what I saw when I read your post?
In between the uncertainty I saw:

You have a job and the people there CARE about you and you can go back to it. I think you should try to keep that job, even if shorter hours. Why did you leave the job? Maybe just a short break to stabilize and go back.

You have at least one friend where you are, one that is helping you in a crisis. You've only been there for three years and you have that kind of friend. 

You have a home you can go back to, if you choose.

It hurts me to see you talking about your ex and other women. Do you think maybe you are leaving stuff at the flat to create a hindrance to that? Or to leave it open? You'll end up stressing about the time when you have to go back there to get your stuff. Think about if you want to do this to yourself. It is not just the stuff, it is that it is YOUR stuff, and it is in the place where he lives. You are forcing him to think about you by leaving your stuff there and to me that is, and there is no way to say it tactfully, manipulative. Refer back to what someone said about the push-pull dynamics. I wouldn't say this to you at all except that you are on a wait-list for therapy. So here is the shortcut. Don't leave yourself scattered. Don't give away pieces of yourself. By leaving you want to send a CLEAR message. If you leave things in that flat, your message is not clear at all. You're essentially telling this guy, that you are indecisive and are open to being further played. This is only my opinion. But if I were there and I were your friend, I'd get some boxes and packing tape and take you in there and pack you up, then I'd get out the Hoover and remove every last trace of you and open up the windows to change out the air. 

In the end though, it is really better if you can come to the conclusion to do this yourself. There are a few things left here in this house I cannot take with me. But I will have a restraining order and have been through this kind of thing before. I'm almost thinking that I should stay in therapy for the rest of my life but my therapist says otherwise, that I seem to have acquired a healthy amount of what I thought was 'selfishness' before but now realize is being kind and thoughtful of oneself. 

So how did you arrive in country? Can you go back to the exact same place or re-visit the places you went to right after arriving? Just sit a while. Then, have a 're-do'. YOU are in charge of this operation. Don't second guess what you want. 

One thing I've done when I've been uncertain in the past was to ask friends to tell me my blind spots or barriers to openness. I gave them time to do this and the opportunity to decline. It allowed me to stop beating myself up and to focus on things that I could do or work on to become a better friend to people I already knew with 100% certainty were friends to me. Ideally, your lover would be your friend. But if he's not then he's not your lover. Just a 'near miss'. Potential but no go. You know, like when you take a dress off the rack and it's fantastic in every way, you put it on and realize that for whatever reason, it's unwearable. Even though you love it in every way, you couldn't live your life if you acquired that dress. Sure, you could undergo surgical alterations or gain weight or lose weight or take the dress to the tailor and hope that it can be made to fit without losing it's special attitude that appeals to you. But that's a whole lot of work, and no guarantees, and is just unkind on a lot of levels. It's easier to just learn how to sew, and make yourself a dress that fits perfectly and find someone who admires how it looks on you (and is therefore worthy of taking it off every now and then).


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

TS, every one of those excuses he gave REEKS of selfishness and TOTAL lack of care for you. NOWHERE in his 'answers' does he show love or even concern for you. You will NEVER matter enough to him for him to put you first.

Just walk away.


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## triniti (Jul 2, 2011)

I think it's easy for anyone on the outside to say that he doesn't care for you but that's probably the last thing you want to hear. I'm sure you have felt caring from him and knew that your feelings and his were very real. However, right now he seems to care more for himself and what he wants than your feelings and how his actions might affect you. He might even be a great guy but isn't ready to settle down yet. All of this spells our lack of maturity and lack of willingness to commit. It may have nothing to do with you it is probably just where he is in his life at this point.


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