# Live in Babysitter, or the real deal?



## BDIN1 (Sep 20, 2021)

All,

I met a really great woman (single mother) on a dating app. It’s only been a month, but we’ve spent nearly every day together since meeting. We really clicked and everything has just felt perfectly natural. Awesome, right? Well, she has a young child (2) and was in a previous relationship, engaged but never married. I do not have kids, but am divorced. She is living in a nice place now, but her lease is up soon and she’s actively looking for another place. I’ve offered to assist since it’s stressful and have been helping her look. Right now I’m in an interesting situation with my living situation as well, I’m not originally from this area and am here for work. I’ll be here long term, but I’m living in a smaller place at the moment with my small dog - finding month to month places isn’t exactly easy here. Fast forward, we’ve had a bunch of amazing dates, spent time at home and rather quickly, I met her little one pretty fast. Amazing kid, we get along great but again, I don’t have kids. However, I do have a bunch of nieces and nephews of all ages. Well, last week, she offered me to move into the new place given the situation. She said she could see it as win, win. In fact, she didn’t even ask me to pay anything towards the place. She just said it would be easier than driving an hour to see each other and work is closer for me. She has her own income, just like I do. She seems really well put together, she’s considerate and doesn’t send any major red flags with one, or two exceptions that I’m heavily debating. First being, she asked me if I could watch her small child this week on a weekday so she could meet an old co worker for dinner. I’m busy that night and don’t think I’m ready to be alone with her kiddo just yet. It’s all moving fast, which I’m actually okay with outside of the fact that I’m worried her intentions for asking me to move in would be more of a “live in babysitter” situation and not a “lover”situation. Let me be clear; she has been extremely sweet, loving and sends all of the signs she’s into me attraction wise and being concerned about my feelings too. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but I have a hard time trusting people’s intentions. I inquired who she would be meeting and was told it was an old co worker. I asked where, she told me and it’s a nice bar/place to eat. Part of me totally understands that she might want a night out. Being a single mom is probably very hard. However, it’s a weekday and it makes me question priorities too. Would this be a normal thing? I’m completely conflicted and see two sides. I plan on talking to her about it, but don’t think she knows how bad this bothered me. Had she asked me to watch her kid while she ran to the store, or went to the gym, or something, I probably would of considered that, but this seems and feels different.
Can anyone offer any good advice? Thanks in advance.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Four weeks is far far to soon to be thinking about moving in together child or not. Plus a mother leaving a small child alone with a man she met 4 weeks ago is total madness. 
She barely knows you yet she trusts her child with you?What sort of mother does that. Doesn't she know that some men deliberately go after single mum's to get access to the children???

I wouldn't even think about living together for at least another 6-9 months. Take it slowly.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You sound very very very desperate. I would absolutely under no circumstance EVER move that fast. You can bet anything you want she will be sweet as pie in exchange for you taking over someone’s kid and then making you responsible for it the rest of its life ..... believe it. As soon as she can common law marriage you for living together you are screwed !!!

Dude seriously...... do not fall in the trap. You need to take a HUGE step back and look at this objectively.

Her vagina isn’t made of gold.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Mr.Married said:


> Her vagina isn’t made of gold.


I cannot for the life of me imagine that being comfortable.


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## BDIN1 (Sep 20, 2021)

Let me be a little more clear,
She’s shown every sign of being a great mother.
Her child is well taken care of.
The child’s father makes 4-5x the money I do, so it doesn’t appear to be a financial thing. At all.
Not even close. 

While I do agree with one of the posters saying it’s too soon and that you need to be careful, 100%. 

My concern is more along the lines of her intentions about my involvement with the child in terms of watching the child while she’s out. The screams red flag to me, because I think I’d feel used. Then again, I want to help her too without being taken advantage of. If that makes sense.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

If the former coworker is male, run in the other direction. If female, take several steps back....to your own place.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Dude ..... it’s a red flag.

Your going to become her convenience..... instead of her lover


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

If you’re already having crazy hot sweaty monkey sex with her and the kid is happy with an iPad I’d consider it. Throw your stuff in a storage unit then if you don’t like the setup you can just bounce out to a hotel for a couple weeks while you find a new pad.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I mean think about it. This is a double red flag. She is accustomed to high income which you are not.....and...... she is already sh!t testing you with “Watch my baby while I go have fun”

Dude seriously..... think about it


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## BDIN1 (Sep 20, 2021)

The old co worker is a female. Trust me, I had those thoughts too, not that I won’t trust her - but you never know these days. Highly doubt she’d be asking me to stay over every night already if there was someone else. Those concerns are limited, but you never know. It’s early on


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

At least you have a watchful eye and an objective view it seems. It pays to be careful.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

So you've been dating a month but no sex? "Sending all of the signs she's into me attractionwise" isn't convincing. If she's into you attractionwise, you'd be having sex or at least making out, French kissing, all the stuff that leads up to sex at least. 

So if there's been no sex or it only happened once and none since or she kissed you early on but none since, she's not into you for attraction. 

But either way, it's too soon! Just the fact she'd move a new guy she barely knows in on her child shows she's irresponsible in the extreme! You just don't do that. She's just begging for her child to be molested or neglected. 

Don't do this! She'll keep. Wait a few months and see if the relationship develops, but honestly, she's being careless with her kid inviting you this soon.


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## BDIN1 (Sep 20, 2021)

Agreed about the income situation - I do pretty well, but not the level of someone who owns their own practice. She knows this though. I def. don’t want to become a glorified babysitter, but she sends me every sign she wants to be around me as much as possible. Example, last week she had plans with friends on a Friday and I said “go have fun” I’ll see you Saturday, or Sunday and she ended up canceling her other plans. I didn’t ask her too, but she wanted to use that time (kid was with his Dad) to be with me. That’s what makes this all so hard and confusing. I’m thinking of moving forward, but not moving in and letting her know, the child isn’t a problem but I don’t feel comfortable watching him for the next couple of months at least. I’m not sure, is that fair?


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## BDIN1 (Sep 20, 2021)

There’s been tons of sex. Lots and lots. That’s no an issue, like at all. Last of my concerns there.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

BDIN1 said:


> I’m thinking of moving forward, but not moving in and letting her know, the child isn’t a problem but I don’t feel comfortable watching him for the next couple of months at least. I’m not sure, is that fair?


I think it is both FAIR and WISE.


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## BDIN1 (Sep 20, 2021)

I really do like her and she seems worth it. I realize she sounds completely crazy for suggesting this so soon, but — there’s been a really strong connection emotionally and psychically. I’m smart enough to realize this isn’t normal, but don’t want to complete shut her out either and miss out on something good. She doesn’t know me that well, but if it did work out, I’d be totally fine helping out as much as I could. I just want it to be for the right reasons and not so someone can go slam back drinks and chat it up on a weekday while I sit at home like an idiot. Now let me be clear, I’m not saying it’s bad to go out on a weekday or anything crazy like that, I’m just afraid of it becoming routine and that’s a major, major, major turn off and a recipe for disaster. Been there and seen that too many times.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

It sounds like you already have it figured out and just needed to kick it around a little.


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## chazmataz33 (Apr 18, 2021)

Sounds like your next discussion should be with her as in does she want you to move in as a lover or ????.appears to me maybe she doesnt want you to get away and is taking this opportunity to seal the deal.this is a good place to get ideas but the bottom line is its your decision.my take,I think shes excited and because of the move shes reacting to fast. Let cooler heads prevail.I think youve got it right.easy does it!!!
.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BDIN1 said:


> Agreed about the income situation - I do pretty well, but not the level of someone who owns their own practice. She knows this though. I def. don’t want to become a glorified babysitter, but she sends me every sign she wants to be around me as much as possible. Example, last week she had plans with friends on a Friday and I said “go have fun” I’ll see you Saturday, or Sunday and she ended up canceling her other plans. I didn’t ask her too, but she wanted to use that time (kid was with his Dad) to be with me. That’s what makes this all so hard and confusing. I’m thinking of moving forward, but not moving in and letting her know, the child isn’t a problem but I don’t feel comfortable watching him for the next couple of months at least.  I’m not sure, is that fair?


It's wise and sensible to date for at least 6 months before even thinking of taking it to the next step. 
As for sitting for the child, she clearly has an ex who has the child part time, can't she go out then? 

Just say that you like her but that's it's too soon to be living together. 

Nothing wrong at all with dating a single mum, it's just so rushed.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Put your stuff in storage and try it. If the kid isn’t a psycho and she’s not a psycho what do you have to lose? If you don’t like it just leave and go to a hotel and find a new place.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I don't think it's so much a matter of whether or not you trust her, but whether or not you trust your own intuition/gut feelings.

You don't feel comfortable looking after her child. Tell her. You need to feel comfortable enough in your own skin to set boundaries as to what and what you won't accept at this point in time.

Yes, you are clicking on all levels. This is shiny and new. Sex is hot. Conversations are great. You're connecting. Except something is bothering you. You either start by asserting yourself now, or torture yourself with self-doubts. Because, I assure you, when things aren't shiny and new any longer and everyday life and stressors come into play, you're not going to feel so good about doubting yourself. In fact, you're going to feel downright lousy.

It's too soon to move in together. Way too soon. And you're already hesitant to be open and honest with her about the issue of child care. 

Tell her exactly how you feel about playing babysitter for the evening. See how she reacts. But, I gotta be honest here ... all this stuff is happening way too fast. Time to put on the brakes. Seriously.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

Why wouldn’t she invite you along to meet the old coworker? Can’t she get a babysitter for one night? What everyone else is saying is right. Way too soon to move in or to be watching her kid for her. If I was her ex I’d be super pissed she was going to leave my kid with some dude she barely knows.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Also ex Co worker a dude? That's probably a big red flag right there


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

BDIN1 said:


> All,
> 
> I met a really great woman (single mother) on a dating app. It’s only been a month, but we’ve spent nearly every day together since meeting. We really clicked and everything has just felt perfectly natural. Awesome, right? Well, she has a young child (2) and was in a previous relationship, engaged but never married. I do not have kids, but am divorced. She is living in a nice place now, but her lease is up soon and she’s actively looking for another place. I’ve offered to assist since it’s stressful and have been helping her look. Right now I’m in an interesting situation with my living situation as well, I’m not originally from this area and am here for work. I’ll be here long term, but I’m living in a smaller place at the moment with my small dog - finding month to month places isn’t exactly easy here. Fast forward, we’ve had a bunch of amazing dates, spent time at home and rather quickly, I met her little one pretty fast. Amazing kid, we get along great but again, I don’t have kids. However, I do have a bunch of nieces and nephews of all ages. Well, last week, she offered me to move into the new place given the situation. She said she could see it as win, win. In fact, she didn’t even ask me to pay anything towards the place. She just said it would be easier than driving an hour to see each other and work is closer for me. She has her own income, just like I do. She seems really well put together, she’s considerate and doesn’t send any major red flags with one, or two exceptions that I’m heavily debating. First being, she asked me if I could watch her small child this week on a weekday so she could meet an old co worker for dinner. I’m busy that night and don’t think I’m ready to be alone with her kiddo just yet. It’s all moving fast, which I’m actually okay with outside of the fact that I’m worried her intentions for asking me to move in would be more of a “live in babysitter” situation and not a “lover”situation. Let me be clear; she has been extremely sweet, loving and sends all of the signs she’s into me attraction wise and being concerned about my feelings too. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but I have a hard time trusting people’s intentions. I inquired who she would be meeting and was told it was an old co worker. I asked where, she told me and it’s a nice bar/place to eat. Part of me totally understands that she might want a night out. Being a single mom is probably very hard. However, it’s a weekday and it makes me question priorities too. Would this be a normal thing? I’m completely conflicted and see two sides. I plan on talking to her about it, but don’t think she knows how bad this bothered me. Had she asked me to watch her kid while she ran to the store, or went to the gym, or something, I probably would of considered that, but this seems and feels different.
> Can anyone offer any good advice? Thanks in advance.


Don't. Just don't.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I would be very very wary of the judgment of someone who trusts a potential partner they have known for 4 weeks alone with their 2 year old. She may be delightful but she is not responsible.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

joannacroc said:


> 2 year old


Missed that earlier, no way. I thought we were talking walking and talking kid here.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BDIN1 said:


> My concern is more along the lines of her intentions about my involvement with the child in terms of watching the child while she’s out. The screams red flag to me, because I think I’d feel used. Then again, I want to help her too without being taken advantage of. If that makes sense.


It's not a red flag. 

It is a communist chinese parade in the middle of Tianamann Square. 

Why are you even considering any kind of commitment or cohabitation with a single mother at this stage of your life?

Are you over 45 years old? (in which case the question would be why on earth would you want to deal with a two year old??) Are you morbidly obese? Are you unemployed? Are you deformed or disfigured in some way?

Why do you feel the best you can do is a mother of a two year old that needs assistance with something as basic as housing and child care??

OF COURSE you are being used as stand-in daddy and child care assistant! 

Why are you simping yourself out to baby mommies instead of finding a woman without that kind of baggage and ulterior motive. 

I'm not saying that she is evil or wicked. But of course she is sizing you up for child care, that's what single mothers do. 
And yes, she is laying you like tile now to get you to let your guard down and consider being the paternal understudy, but once she has her name on the lease and utilities then the sex will stop and you will be the full time babysitter and puke cleaner upper. 

It's fine to date single mothers so you can each get out for a Saturday night. But don't fall for being her knight in shining armor to save her from her own mistakes.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I also need to point out there are men all over north america that moved these baby mommys into their house and they are now being sued for child support and partner support when she leaves to go on to the next paternal understudy that makes more money. 

Look it up or pay the fee for a family law attorney to explain this to you for an hour. This is real. 

You do not have to married and you do not have to legally adopt the kid. There are guys out there being court ordered to continue paying support on kids they did not father and women they did not marry because they took them in and housed and fed them for awhile. 

There is a case in Canada right now where a corporate executive is being ordered to pay something crazy like $80,000 a year or something to a single mom that is gainfully employed herself and they were only DATING for a year or so and were never even cohabitating. 

He had tried to be the knight in shining armor and had helped her out with some kind of expenses and when he broke up with her she took him to court and was awarded continuing support even though they were not married, not engaged and not even cohabitating. 

If you are so desperate for poontang that you are willing to undertake all of these risks, that is your business, but at least educate yourself on what risks you will be undertaking and what you may soon be dealing with.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

BDIN1 said:


> There’s been tons of sex. Lots and lots. That’s no an issue, like at all. Last of my concerns there.


Oh ya, single Moms do that a lot to score a desperate chump man!
The sex was another level, like a porn star level!
I know that first hand, and been through many of them, they were the easiest ones to hook-up, many of them were/are disparate to find a man, and you can't blame them, they are disparate for security, but I was a player back then, so I saw through their disparate plans, and I knew how to dash them easily and not get duped!
Don't be a chump!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

And it also needs to be pointed out that if any bruises or marks ever show up on this kid or if there is ever any blood in her panties or she gets caught playing "Doctor" at daycare, it is YOUR doorstep that the police and DHS are going to be showing up at sabors drawn. 

I've worked in the public safety sector for almost 40 years and I am here to tell you that any time anything, and I do mean ANYTHING the slightest bit suspicious happens to the child of a single mother, Mom's Boyfriend is the prime suspect until absolutely proven otherwise and even if it can be proven beyond a reasonable doubt that someone else did it, they will still try to pin something else on the Mom's Boyfriends simply because they don't like them. 

Think long and hard about this (like 16 years preferably) and at least be aware of and understand their risks you will be exposing yourself to.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BDIN1 said:


> There’s been tons of sex. Lots and lots. That’s no an issue, like at all. Last of my concerns there.


That is the oldest play in the Find-A-New-Daddy Handbook. 

If you believe nothing else anyone tells you here - believe that that hot monkey sex with dry up when she gets her name on the lease.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Despite the doom and gloom here about dating and marrying single mums, I know some lovely guys who did just that are are now happily married. There are some lovely single parents about. 

However the op and his girlfriend are going too far far too fast. It's not fair on the child either if he moves in, the child gets very fond of him and when it doesn't work out she/he looses another 'dad'. For the child's sake at least wait and wait some more.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BDIN1 said:


> Her child is well taken care of.
> The child’s father makes 4-5x the money I do, so it doesn’t appear to be a financial thing. At all.
> Not even close.


You need to read between the lines here. The bio dad's income and support is a no-win scenario. 

If he is a deadbeat and is unemployed or just deadbeat that offers no support or assistance - then she is of questionable character that has unprotected sex with drifters. 

If he is a gainfully employed professional with a good income and provides reasonable child support and participates in shared custody - Then that means he would rather shell out thousands of dollars every month and deal with custodial visitation for almost 20 years rather than be with the woman that bore his own flesh and blood. 

And this is something you are considering buying into???????


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

BDIN1 said:


> Let me be a little more clear,
> She’s shown every sign of being a great mother.
> Her child is well taken care of.
> The child’s father makes 4-5x the money I do, so it doesn’t appear to be a financial thing. At all.
> ...


Have you ever thought about just talking with her. 

I think it would be obvious that it is easier to have someone in the 'house' watch the child than a babysitter. She offered you a place to stay without rent. She may think it isn't that big of deal for you to pitch in in that way. 

If you aren't comfortable simply ask her. Say hey I don't really want to babysit if I move in do you intend for me to do that? Do you have a regular sitter?

You can move in with her but you can't ask her intentions?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

joannacroc said:


> I would be very very wary of the judgment of someone who trusts a potential partner they have known for 4 weeks alone with their 2 year old. She may be delightful but she is not responsible.


Why most people know their babysitter way less than 4 weeks the first time the sitter watches the kid.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Despite the doom and gloom here about dating and marrying single mums, I know some lovely guys who did just that are are now happily married. There are some lovely single parents about.


I agree there are some where it doesn't end in disaster. And I agree that there are some decent single parents. 

But are those decent single parents hitting up desperate guys to move it with and start taking over child care duties after knowing them a month??


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Anastasia6 said:


> Why most people know their babysitter way less than 4 weeks the first time the sitter watches the kid.


It's fundamentally different answering an ad for a 14 year old female babysitter that has been through the CPR and babysitter classes that you are hiring for a specified period of time for a specified hourly wage vs some grown man you've been boinking for a month.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> It's fundamentally different answering an ad for a 14 year old female babysitter that has been through the CPR and babysitter classes that you are hiring for a specified period of time for a specified hourly wage vs some grown man you've been boinking for a month.


You are right. You should know more about the guy you been boinking for a month. The 14 year old could be a deranged drug addict just lookingn to get into your medicine cabinet.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> CPR


Call the Police and Run?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

BDIN1 said:


> Let me be a little more clear,
> She’s shown every sign of being a great mother.
> Her child is well taken care of.
> The child’s father makes 4-5x the money I do, so it doesn’t appear to be a financial thing. At all.
> ...


No no no, she’s not a wonderful mother! No wonderful mother leaves her child with any man that soon! No offence to you, nothing wrong with you. Is that not a red flag to you? That she didn’t ask the child’s father to babysit?

She’s putting on her best behaviour now. I feel you’ll be left holding the baby. Do not move in with her.


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## AttaBoy (Sep 30, 2018)

BDIN1, I would just make sure you both agree on whether your relationship is exclusive or not. From there, based on what you have said about her, I would go with a three (or two, or one) strikes rather than zero tolerance rule. It could be she is testing you as a potential long term partner. (As in: Are you insecure? Are you kid friendly?) You have a better idea about her when she returns from her dinner and you talk about her evening and her friend and see how her body language and connection with you is. As long as you don't entangle yourself with a lease or a pregnancy you can leave her behind on a moment's notice.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

BDIN1 said:


> The old co worker is a female. Trust me, I had those thoughts too, not that I won’t trust her - but you never know these days. Highly doubt she’d be asking me to stay over every night already if there was someone else. Those concerns are limited, but you never know. It’s early on


Wait, just to clarify, she asked you to watch her kid one night not every night right? You should just bring it up-- so, yes i can watch him/her while you catch up with your co-worker but is this going to be an ongoing thing, me babysitting? 

I think it is a fair question and maybe you are jumping to conclusions....?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Anastasia6 said:


> You are right. You should know more about the guy you been boinking for a month. The 14 year old could be a deranged drug addict just lookingn to get into your medicine cabinet.


You know what I meant. 

Mom's boyfriends pose far greater threat to a child's safety than a certified 14 year old female babysitter. 

But even assuming the OP is a decent man, why would you even ask a grown single man you just started seeing to watch a 2 year old?? (unless you were looking for a beta/simp to help support and provision you and your child) 

Let me put this into some personal perspective,, in my single days, I did hook up with and even had some legitimate dates with a number of single women. 

Not a single one of them ever once asked me to babysit or have anything to do with their kids or even discussed child matters with me in any form. One dropped off some stuff at my house one day while the daughter was in the car seat and that was probably the only child I even laid eyes on. 

Why?? Because even without discussing it, they knew that I was not that kind of guy and that is not what I was there for. 

I was their fun saturday night date out of the house on the town and I was their orgasm-provider. I wasn't their support system. I wasn't their shoulder to cry on when things got tough and I wasn't their paternal back up. Some of them I saw periodically for a number of years and never once was any kind of child interaction ever even brought up. 

These gals can instinctively spot these beta/simps and KSAs a mile away through the fog. They ride them like a big white horse a few times and tell them how much of a better man they are than the baby daddys and how thankful they are to have them in their lives and get these guys feeling all protective and like the super hero. 

But once they've assumed the role of paternal understudy, then the sex spigot gets turned off and they become the live-in nanny. 

And when things get really bad, they are even starting to be held accountable for continued support after the relationship ends. 

And if God forbid a bruise or mark ever did turn up on the kid while he/she is visiting the paternal grandparents, It's Mom's Boyfriend that the police and DHS are going to come gunning for even if it can be proven he was out of the country at the time that mark occurred.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now I know I've been harsh in this thread and perhaps even a bit alarmist. 

To be fair, when people are getting well into their 40s and the kids in question are at least jr high age or even sub adults or young adults, yeah I get it, most people men and women are going to have kids in that demographic and it's just kind of how life is at that stage of life. And while teenagers bring their own challenges ( I have 2 in the house myself) for the most part they can feed and dress and toilet themselves and do not need 24/7 hands on care and supervision. 

But a single guy and woman with a two year old?????? Uh uh. that is bad ju-ju all the way around. Nothing good can come of that. Yes he's getting his Johnson drained at the moment, but shall we start an office pool on how long that will last?? 

Its fine to date casually. It's ok to get out of the house. If I was asking some single mother of young children out, I would even offer to pay the babysitter myself for the first date or two. 

But to cohabitate and live as a quasi family unit with someone with young children? No way!!! 

There is absolutely NO advantage to that over a single, childfree woman. None, Notta. Zilch. 

But there are at least 8,935,173,764 disadvantages that I can think of right off of the top of my head this minute. 

There is simply nothing to be gained here. The calculus is all about what you are willing to risk and potentially lose.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Anastasia6 said:


> Why most people know their babysitter way less than 4 weeks the first time the sitter watches the kid.


Most people run a background check and/or ask or references or use word of mouth to find a babysitter who is trustworthy. It is extremely early at 4 weeks to introduce someone to your child who you are dating and the reality is, some people target single parents because their children are easy to access and don't have as much close monitoring as those from households with 2 parents. I understand what you're saying but the notion that you know someone enough after dating for 4 weeks to introduce them to your child is bananas - you are introducing them maybe as a friend, but then children aren't stupid and at 2 they won't really cotton on, but if you have a revolving door of partners it traumatizes a child. It's important to think carefully and fully about how and under what circumstances you introduce a partner to a child. I have seen it really impact even kids as young as preschoolers who I work with. Sometimes things don't work out and then the kid is attached to someone they won't see again. It's not fair on anyone.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Prodigal said:


> I don't think it's so much a matter of whether or not you trust her, but whether or not you trust your own intuition/gut feelings.
> 
> You don't feel comfortable looking after her child. Tell her. You need to feel comfortable enough in your own skin to set boundaries as to what and what you won't accept at this point in time.
> 
> ...


I agree. Practice what he preaches, Lol
Wait until the new burns off before moving in.
And I think asking one’s bf to watch the kid while going on a girls night is a no go


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

BDIN1 said:


> Can anyone offer any good advice? Thanks in advance.


She wants you to babysit while she has dinner with another guy?
Don't move in with her, enjoy the casual sex while it lasts.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

There is more than one red flag here OP. Omfg, she's only known you for four WEEKS, and she's prepared to leave her toddler alone with you?!? Are you freaking kidding me??? I'm speechless! She hardly knows you, she shouldn't have even allowed you to meet her at this early stage, let alone move you in with them!! Jfc!

What you should do, in my opinion, is sit down with this woman and say that you feel like you can see this going somewhere, and because of that you don't want to move too quickly, so for now you won't be moving in with them. Tell her there's so much still for the two of you to learn about each other, and then down the track, if things work out, BEFORE looking at houses together you discuss what living together will look like for BOTH of you. How will finances be handled? House duties? What are her expectations re you and the child? What will your role be?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> *Mom's boyfriends pose far greater threat to a child's safety than a certified 14 year old female babysitter.*
> 
> ...
> 
> And if God forbid a bruise or mark ever did turn up on the kid while he/she is visiting the paternal grandparents, It's Mom's Boyfriend that the police and DHS are going to come gunning for even if it can be proven he was out of the country at the time that mark occurred.


Damn straight re the bolded. Absolutely on the money mate.

Followed closely by the last sentence.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Now I know I've been harsh in this thread and perhaps even a bit alarmist.
> 
> To be fair, when people are getting well into their 40s and the kids in question are at least jr high age or even sub adults or young adults, yeah I get it, most people men and women are going to have kids in that demographic and it's just kind of how life is at that stage of life. And while teenagers bring their own challenges ( I have 2 in the house myself) for the most part they can feed and dress and toilet themselves and do not need 24/7 hands on care and supervision.
> 
> ...


I can't agree at all. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a single mum or dad with a small child dating and wanting to make a family. This happens all the time and often successfully. I love to see a decent responsible guy or lady who takes on a little one, not everyone dislikes little children and it's brilliant when a little one has a lovely step dad/mum. 

In this case they are rushing things. I would date for many more months before moving in together. It may or may not work out but more time is needed.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I can't agree at all. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a single mum or dad with a small child dating and wanting to make a family. This happens all the time and often successfully. I love to see a decent responsible guy or lady who takes on a little one, not everyone dislikes little children and it's brilliant when a little one has a lovely step dad/mum.


Ok this brings up an important point —- YOU like to see a supportive simp help provision and support a single mother and child. 

YOU like to see caring woman help a single father take care of a child. 

In many ways SOCIETY and church ladies look at these simps helping support these single mothers and their broods and they say, “oh isn’t it nice that he’s stepping up to help!”

But here is the thing - it may help society when simps help provision and support single parent households. 

But there is absolutely NO advantage to the man himself AT ALL. 

There is not one single advantage to getting with a single mother over a child free woman. NOT ONE. 

There is an endless list of disadvantages and risks and costs. 

Grandmothers and church ladies and community members may give a disingenuous smile and nod and say how nice it is that some guy that couldn’t get a childfree women is stepping up to help. 

But to the individual guy himself, he is only taking on a bunch of problems, hardships and risks, for zero additional gain.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Ok this brings up an important point —- YOU like to see a supportive simp help provision and support a single mother and child.
> 
> YOU like to see caring woman help a single father take care of a child.
> 
> ...


Its nothing to do with 'church ladies' or whatever derogatory term you like to use, it's to do with really lovely men and women who fall in love and have no issues with having step children. They may or may not have children of their own. 
I see these people as strong, decent people of integrity. Caring and unselfish. Far far from the 'simps' you describe. Oh and btw most mums here work and earn their own money, they don't need a man for that. 

I see many advantages of being with someone with children, unless you hate them. Some people actually like them believe it or not. 

A lovely friend of a family member became a single mum through no fault of her own. The dad is more or less off the scene sadly . She has a 4 year old and for the last year has been dating a really lovely man who is brilliant with the child and happy to be with him and his mum. Good for him I say. 

I appreciate that you wouldn't bother with a woman with a child, but you are not all men. Many men and women are happy to do so.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


BDIN1 said:



First being, she asked me if I could watch her small child this week on a weekday so she could meet an old co worker for dinner.

Click to expand...

*This is the time where some guys make incredibly* STUPID *decisions because they're not letting their rational head do their thinking for them. Women do this too, but we're talking about the OP.

She sees you as a lapdog who'll happily do her bidding because she's got you so smitten after only a month. Just because you turned her down - _this_ time - doesn't mean you will the next time or the next 700 times when she hits you up to watch her kid for her.

Why on earth you'd even CONSIDER moving in and becoming an insta-family boggles my mind.

It's only been a *MONTH.* Most people at this stage are seeing the BEST their mate has to offer - that's why you DON'T make long-range decisions at this time! Give it 6 months and you'll be glad you DIDN'T move in. If I'm wrong, great. But the odds are NOT in your favor that you're going to move in and it's going to Shangri-La.

Slow it the hell down! Last I looked, there weren't any dire warnings that the earth is going to blow up in the next 60 days, so take things off fast-forward. Give it 6 months. If it's still all rainbows and unicorns, THEN consider taking it to the next level. I'm willing to bet it's not even going to be close to that.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


ccpowerslave said:



If you’re already having crazy hot sweaty monkey sex with her and the kid is happy with an iPad I’d consider it. Throw your stuff in a storage unit then if you don’t like the setup you can just bounce out to a hotel for a couple weeks while you find a new pad.

Click to expand...

*LOL...I can just SEE the OP's future post now:

"Hi all - remember me? Well, I chose to foolishly move in with her after only being a couple for a month or so because that hot monkey sex was intoxicating!! In fact, I stopped using my big brain altogether and just let my little brain below my belt do all my thinking for me - and that's how I ended up moving into a new home with my girlfriend and her kid (who I babysit often while she goes out with friends, etc).

Sadly, the hot monkey sex ended soon after we moved in together. I guess she figured she didn't have to work NEARLY as hard once she'd gotten me where she wanted me. But it ain't so bad - we get to have meatloaf on Tuesday nights (when I'm cooking) and her kid lets me play with his play station sometimes, so it's all good, right?

How do I get out of this, guys? Help me!!!!"

I wouldn't encourage this young man to do anything at this point! Haven't you men learned not to make stupid decisions just because you're getting hot monkey sex at the MOMENT?????

Come back in 6 months and let us all know how that hot monkey sex is going for you, OP. I'll wait.


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## BDIN1 (Sep 20, 2021)

Lots of responses here, good to see.

Confronted her and was honest. Best policy. She laughed and said she knew I was worried about it. She told me she really just wanted to see what I would say. She is indeed going out this week to discuss a new job with an old female co worker. The job is in another location about 30 minutes away, little disappointed I didn’t know about that part, but I was a little relieved by her response. I told her I wouldn’t want to be a “live in sitter” and she reacted pretty well. She said that’s not what she wants at all and wouldn’t expect that. I made it known I wouldn’t mind helping out from time to time, which is normal — but I didn’t want her getting any wrong ideas. We will see how it plays out, but I agree with some of the users. Need to slow it down a bit, but she does seem genuine and having a kid isn’t a death sentence. Honestly it brings a little difference into the mix. I’m in my mid 30’s, no kids, good looking, good job, but that doesn’t mean I need to go after someone with no kids. There are plenty of messed up people with no kids out there too. I think she’s moving fast because she does like me, a lot. Also think it’s possible she’s scared I’ll leave. If it keeps going the way it is and she treats me right, I won’t be going anywhere. I def. won’t display “beta” behavior though, if she tries to set that up, I’ll leave and shut that down. As for the living together, it would actually be her lease, not mine. It’s not a common law marriage state either. I actually probably have more to gain but not paying any rent. Truthfully, it’s a better deal for me than her at this point. Unless there’s a deep dark hidden motive. It’s always possible, but it just doesn’t seem that way. With all that said, I still don’t trust most people and am trying to be observant and paying close attention to detail. Crazy world we live in. Should be interesting to see how this plays out.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I wouldn't encourage this young man to do anything at this point! Haven't you men learned not to make stupid decisions just because you're getting hot monkey sex at the MOMENT?????


NOPE! Have not learned. In fact I hope to make some some decisions later today after some hot sweaty monkey sex.

When I wrote this I didn’t realize the kid is 2. That is way too young. Maybe 10 or so and then I might try it, however look at what I actually said there.

Don’t move your stuff. Bring some clothes and your toothbrush but anything that makes it difficult to leave stick in storage. That way you can pull the ripcord and be out of there in a hour.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Well, OP knows her much better than I do. I would say, hold to that boundary of not becoming a babysitter and be fully prepared to move out. People are making a ton of assumptions in the responses. I know a lot of people have ulterior motives but some don't. If she tries to change the dynamics, just move on.


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## BDIN1 (Sep 20, 2021)

Agreed. I don’t blindly trust people. In fact, I barely trust anyone. However, at this point, the situation does actually benefit me more than her, as I eluded to. As some posters suggested about possibly being response for the kid in terms of finances. The kids Dad is a surgeon, so, he’s taking care of his own kid - they’ve got that part figured out and that’s there business. She has her own money too. More than I do, actually. Truthfully, she’s putting a fair bit of trust in me for whatever reason. Deep down I hope it’s because she actually likes who I am as a person and sees a future. Moving fast, yes, but it _does_ feel right. Outside of what I originally posted about. I do have a fair bit to offer and can keep things interesting due to my lifestyle. Without saying too much, I am far from typical - I can and will treat someone very well who’s worth it. Kid, or no kid. I’ve had tons of dates in the past year or so, almost all with no kids and those women have nothing on this one so far. She’s just fun to be around and I enjoy being around her. A lot. The connection is 100% there without a doubt. Usually at this point, I’ll put walls up and shut someone out for fear of whatever bad could happen. I’ve done it almost my entire life. She could be up to no good, then again who knows really. Living together definitely is a huge step and probably way too soon, but there are logical reasons why she offered. It’s closer to my work, we live an hour apart, I’m over paying for a small place where I’m at. I’m at her place everyday just about anyways, so ? - I’m not saying I’m going to live with her just yet, I’m undecided but I think if I go that route, I’ll keep my current place for a year and make sure I can leave if I need to. In the end, I hope it works. I realize this probably sounds naive, maybe it’ll turn out horrible, but then again I doubt I’m the first human in history to take a leap of faith and then ending up happy.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL...I can just SEE the OP's future post now:
> 
> "Hi all - remember me? Well, I chose to foolishly move in with her after only being a couple for a month or so because that hot monkey sex was intoxicating!! In fact, I stopped using my big brain altogether and just let my little brain below my belt do all my thinking for me - and that's how I ended up moving into a new home with my girlfriend and her kid (who I babysit often while she goes out with friends, etc).
> 
> ...


You forgot to add that she is now pregnant


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

She wanted to see what you would say?

Geez.....I'd consider cutting her loose over that. This is what we call shroedinger's douchbag.....say something questionable and depending on the response claim you weren't serious.

Look, this woman was either **** testing a guy she's been ****ing for a month or was ready to leave her kid with a guy she's been ****ing for a month so she could go out. She's also asked a guy that she's been ****ing for a month to move in with her 2 year old.

Pretty much guaranteed she's looking for someone to help her raise this kid. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but that's the kind of thing you take slowly.

There are so many red flags here....please do not ignore them because you're getting some. Many of us women here, myself included, have raised kids. Mine were 5 and 2 when I got divorced... I NEVER would have left them with some guy I'd been screwing for a month.


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## BDIN1 (Sep 20, 2021)

Agreed with what you have said, I know me so I know the the kid would be safe, but reality is there are some whack ass people out there. If the kid were mine, I provably wouldn’t trust someone that quick either. Hell, I’m paranoid who I leave my dog with.
I think her line of questioning is because she’s worried that her having a kid will scare me away. Just a guess. Who knows. She’s approaching 40, probably a lot of emotions there too. I’m in my mid 30’s. Difference in age. I wish I had all the answers and motives, but probably won’t right away.


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## Enigmatic (Jul 16, 2021)

Agree with all that's been said about it being too soon and the risks associated with this potential move. Want to add that this is also terribly unfair to the 2yo, who will bond with you and see you as a father figure. When things don't work out with mom, that 2yo will suffer.

Why do you have to make this decision now, after just a month of dating? Why can't you continue to live in your separate spaces and date for another 8-10 months and then resurface this conversation?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

BDIN1 said:


> Agreed with what you have said, I know me so I know the the kid would be safe, but reality is there are some whack ass people out there. If the kid were mine, I provably wouldn’t trust someone that quick either. Hell, I’m paranoid who I leave my dog with.
> I think her line of questioning is because she’s worried that her having a kid will scare me away. Just a guess. Who knows. She’s approaching 40, probably a lot of emotions there too. I’m in my mid 30’s. Difference in age. I wish I had all the answers and motives, but probably won’t right away.


Of course...I didn't mean to imply that you aren't a stand up guy. It's just that she can't really know that after a month so her judgement is questionable.

As for whether a kid would scare you away, clearly it hasn't yet. And it's less likely to if she eases everyone into this.

As a 47 year old woman I think you're giving her too much credit. She doesn't want to be alone and wants help with her kid....2 year olds are demanding.

It's also quite possible that she really likes you so this may not be 100% about having a live in baby sitter, but it will be part of the deal. The pace at which she's willing to do this tells me her judgement is not great. You don't move a guy in after a month and a 40 year old woman who's thinking with something beyond her personal life should know this.

If you want to keep seeing her that's up to you but absolutely do not move in. I've been with my bf for 2 1/2 years and he doesn't live with me, and my boys (who do live with me) are 18 and 20 so they're in no danger.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Its nothing to do with 'church ladies' or whatever derogatory term you like to use, it's to do with really lovely men and women who fall in love and have no issues with having step children. They may or may not have children of their own.
> I see these people as strong, decent people of integrity. Caring and unselfish. Far far from the 'simps' you describe. Oh and btw most mums here work and earn their own money, they don't need a man for that.
> 
> I see many advantages of being with someone with children, unless you hate them. Some people actually like them believe it or not.
> ...


I’m not disputing that there are some good step parents out there. 

I’m not disputing that for some it has worked out OK and hasn’t ended in disaster. 

I will even concede that in some ways having a step father/step mother step in can be a benefit to the single parent, to the child and potentially even society as a whole if it keeps more people off of welfare. 

As long as there is no abuse or child molesting, I do not dispute that. 

Heck when I was a single man, I myself liked to see other guys settle for the single mothers because that left for childfree women on the market. 
What I am saying is that to the step parent him/herself, there is no benefit or advantage over getting with someone without kids. None. 

And while there is no additional benefit to be gained by getting with a single parent, there is a very long laundry list of risks, hardships and disadvantages for the step parent him/herself. 

I’m not saying it’s wrong or bad (assuming no abuse or molestion) as a whole. 

Just no advantage and lots of disadvantages to the step parent.


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## Amanhasnoname (Apr 1, 2021)

I skimmed through all the posts and may have missed it. Did she tell you why her and baby's father split?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> I’m not disputing that there are some good step parents out there.
> 
> I’m not disputing that for some it has worked out OK and hasn’t ended in disaster.
> 
> ...


I agree with this. It also applies to people that have grown kids vs young kids.

My 2 sons are 18 and 20...in school and working. They don't need much from me beyond a place to stay and a little financial support as they finish school and establish themselves. I make plenty of money to provide that, but beyond that I come and go as I please. They also take care of the cats when I'm not here and help take care of the house.

Contrast that with young kids. There's no freaking way I'd get involved with a guy with younger kids. Even younger teens I'm not crazy about....what's in that for me?

Older teens or grown kids are fine as long as they're self sufficient and don't cause problems.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> This is what we call shroedinger's douchbag


I think my quantum professor called me that when I got stuck on a ket algebra proof.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

I have a different view on this. What do you have to lose? Life is short. Seems like you have a back up plan. 

I do agree that’s it’s not the best that she is trusting you with her child so soon but a lot of people leave their children with sitters they have known for a lot less time. She must have a good feeling about you and trusts you. 

I say go for it. We’re not talking marriage at this point. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> Contrast that with young kids. There's no freaking way I'd get involved with a guy with younger kids. Even younger teens I'm not crazy about....what's in that for me?


That you don't have to have his kids? Knowing that he's already fulfilled that desire.

My wife's kids were finishing up elementary / starting middle school when I met her. We went and saw Zootopia (good movie) and had dinner together sometimes. If we wanted to go on vacation alone occasionally they went to their dads. Hardly a burden. 

Her getting all the joys motherhood brings without me having to change poopy diapers or be financially responsible for a kid for 18 years and beyond is the best of both worlds.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> But a single guy and woman with a two year old?????? Uh uh. that is bad ju-ju all the way around. Nothing good can come of that. Yes he's getting his Johnson drained at the moment, but shall we start an office pool on how long that will last??
> 
> There is simply nothing to be gained here. The calculus is all about what you are willing to risk and potentially lose.


It might go beyond just having his Johnson drained. He might actually be having a romantic, intimate relationship with this woman. Which includes having his Johnson drained. And not every guy gets shut off oldshirt. 

I think that single mothers are the most undervalued people on the dating scene. Becoming a mother is something a lot of women desire and often it gives them a better energy and outlook on life. If the father of the kids is responsible and still in the picture he gets to pay for that endeavor while staying home and jerking off, while you get the mother and all the benefits. It's awesome.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

gaius said:


> I think that single mothers are the most undervalued people on the dating scene.


If it wasn't for single moms, I'd probably still be a virgin.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

I would also add property /rental laws. Having been a landlady in the UK, I had to be careful with tenants so that they don't invite a friend in and they end up being designated as a squatter. Enormous benefits to that. I have also learned that letting someone share your flat with you creates a dichotomy: that is if you sleep with your flat sharer they gain more rights than someone who has their own bedroom and uses it.

Where you live, how are these situations handled?

I was dating a guy who wanted to move into my place. To me it didn't make any sense, he could afford his own place and kept mentioning that he would like to marry me. If living in my tiny apartment was the best that he could offer me. then I needed to keep looking. I find it really strange that other women didn't see a problem in that. In fact, they thought I was selfish.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

@BDIN1
Keep in mind that it’s easy for all of us to make harsh comments. We aren’t trying to personally attack your girlfriend. There is a collective knowledge in the forum and most people here have been burned in some way. Infidelity stories are the norm along with people doing some almost unbelievably strange things. Don’t let our feces shaded glasses make you constantly second guess her ..... just be cautious and take some of the advice here as tools in your pocket should you need them.
She could be an awesome woman or a crazy soul crusher.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BDIN1 said:


> Lots of responses here, good to see.
> 
> Confronted her and was honest. Best policy. She laughed and said she knew I was worried about it. She told me she really just wanted to see what I would say. She is indeed going out this week to discuss a new job with an old female co worker. The job is in another location about 30 minutes away, little disappointed I didn’t know about that part, but I was a little relieved by her response. I told her I wouldn’t want to be a “live in sitter” and she reacted pretty well. She said that’s not what she wants at all and wouldn’t expect that. I made it known I wouldn’t mind helping out from time to time, which is normal — but I didn’t want her getting any wrong ideas. We will see how it plays out, but I agree with some of the users. Need to slow it down a bit, but she does seem genuine and having a kid isn’t a death sentence. Honestly it brings a little difference into the mix. I’m in my mid 30’s, no kids, good looking, good job, but that doesn’t mean I need to go after someone with no kids. There are plenty of messed up people with no kids out there too. I think she’s moving fast because she does like me, a lot. Also think it’s possible she’s scared I’ll leave. If it keeps going the way it is and she treats me right, I won’t be going anywhere. I def. won’t display “beta” behavior though, if she tries to set that up, I’ll leave and shut that down. As for the living together, it would actually be her lease, not mine. It’s not a common law marriage state either. I actually probably have more to gain but not paying any rent. Truthfully, it’s a better deal for me than her at this point. Unless there’s a deep dark hidden motive. It’s always possible, but it just doesn’t seem that way. With all that said, I still don’t trust most people and am trying to be observant and paying close attention to detail. Crazy world we live in. Should be interesting to see how this plays out.


Lovely and refreshing to hear a guy say that a nice lady with a child isn't a no no. I agree. I would definitely date a guy with children if he was really nice. As you say there are many people without children who are crazy and messed up. Many people with children who are really nice. 
Best wishes for the three of you.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

"She laughed and said she knew I was worried about it. She told me she really just wanted to see what I would say."

This would actually worry me the most.
What lurks behind behavior like this?

This and her casualness re leaving her child with basically a stranger.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> But there is absolutely NO advantage to the man himself AT ALL.
> 
> There is not one single advantage to getting with a single mother over a child free woman. NOT ONE.


Many of your posts are insightful.

*This is one of your worst.*

Life and dating is not all about having sex, it is sharing laughs and fun with someone compatible.

And, not everyone lives on the surface, seeing a potential date as merely flesh to be enjoyed.

Just, copulating with no strings attached.

How friggin' shallow of you!

You leave out the most important part of mating.

*Which is compatibility, and love.*

Lust is important, but that is a given, with having the above.

You ignore the love part and only concentrate on the fun part and the orgasms gotten.

Yes, this woman has a toddler.
Does having a toddler suddenly make her worthless in the eyes of a decent suitor?
Does it make her un-lovable?

I believe in soul mates.
She may, or may not be OP's ideal lady. 

To write her off because she has some purported baggage, a 26 lb. little boy, is nonsense.

I wholeheartedly agree, she should not ask anybody not vetted to watch over him, especially OP, so early in their relationship.

I believe the co-worker she is to meet is a lady. 
If it were a man, I would not like this at all.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

It's been already said, but 1 month is not enough time to leave your child with a stranger (because this is what the OP really is). This tells me that the woman is totally irresponsible and not to be trusted.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> I agree with this. It also applies to people that have grown kids vs young kids.
> 
> My 2 sons are 18 and 20...in school and working. They don't need much from me beyond a place to stay and a little financial support as they finish school and establish themselves. I make plenty of money to provide that, but beyond that I come and go as I please. They also take care of the cats when I'm not here and help take care of the house.
> 
> ...


You are older and your children are nearly grown. The OP is only in his mid 30's and hasn't had children yet.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

gaius said:


> That you don't have to have his kids? Knowing that he's already fulfilled that desire.
> 
> My wife's kids were finishing up elementary / starting middle school when I met her. We went and saw Zootopia (good movie) and had dinner together sometimes. If we wanted to go on vacation alone occasionally they went to their dads. Hardly a burden.
> 
> Her getting all the joys motherhood brings without me having to change poopy diapers or be financially responsible for a kid for 18 years and beyond is the best of both worlds.


I might have taken that attitude when i was younger, but I'm past the point where I am willing to deal with someone's dependent kids. The men I'd look for are late 40'-mid 50's and plenty have grown or almost grown kids which is fine.

And if they don't and still imagine they're going to have them they should look elsewhere. My bf doesn't have kids and at 56 has never expressed a desire for them. He's thinking about when he can retire. That ain't happening if he starts knocking out kids.

But if you're a bit younger and don't want your own then yes, a single parent might he a good option. Glad it worked out for you.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> You are older and your children are nearly grown. The OP is only in his mid 30's and hasn't had children yet.


Yes, and aa such he has plenty of options, so there's no real benefit for him to become a step parent. He can easily find a woman without kids, and if he wants his own a 40 year old woman isn't a great option anyway. 

But if he doesn't want his own, or if he simply likes her enough to be a step parent then that's up to him. This one is throwing out red flags and we just want him to be aware of that.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

If you do not like other peoples kids, you likely won't like (much) your own.

If, by chance, this relationship blossomed, and leads to marriage, that 2 year old would very likely bond well to our OP.
A good thing.

OP is right, she likes him, and does NOT WANT him to get away from her. 
We can only hope her (liking) is strong and is lasting.

Relationships are always a calculation, (or should be!) this one is no different.

Divorces generally sober up people, giving them more perspective (painfully, so).
OP's new love, likely is no starry-eyed woman.

That said, the lady sounds rather confident and clever.

It that worrisome?
Confident people can be too calculating, and rather cool, long term.
If that is your cup of tea, then OK.

Time will tell.


Take your time with her.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> I might have taken that attitude when i was younger, but I'm past the point where I am willing to deal with someone's dependent kids. The men I'd look for are late 40'-mid 50's and plenty have grown or almost grown kids which is fine.
> 
> And if they don't and still imagine they're going to have them they should look elsewhere. My bf doesn't have kids and at 56 has never expressed a desire for them. He's thinking about when he can retire. That ain't happening if he starts knocking out kids.
> 
> But if you're a bit younger and don't want your own then yes, a single parent might he a good option. Glad it worked out for you.


This lady poster can bend, after all!!

All of us know you strongly and honestly give your opinions.
You don't mix metaphors, nor beat around the bush.

Unlike some, who are prone to post cryptic things.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

BDIN1 said:


> Lots of responses here, good to see.
> 
> Confronted her and was honest. Best policy. She laughed and said she knew I was worried about it. She told me she really just wanted to see what I would say. She is indeed going out this week to discuss a new job with an old female co worker. The job is in another location about 30 minutes away, little disappointed I didn’t know about that part, but I was a little relieved by her response. I told her I wouldn’t want to be a “live in sitter” and she reacted pretty well. She said that’s not what she wants at all and wouldn’t expect that. I made it known I wouldn’t mind helping out from time to time, which is normal — but I didn’t want her getting any wrong ideas. We will see how it plays out, but I agree with some of the users. Need to slow it down a bit, but she does seem genuine and having a kid isn’t a death sentence. Honestly it brings a little difference into the mix. I’m in my mid 30’s, no kids, good looking, good job, but that doesn’t mean I need to go after someone with no kids. There are plenty of messed up people with no kids out there too. I think she’s moving fast because she does like me, a lot. Also think it’s possible she’s scared I’ll leave. If it keeps going the way it is and she treats me right, I won’t be going anywhere. I def. won’t display “beta” behavior though, if she tries to set that up, I’ll leave and shut that down. As for the living together, it would actually be her lease, not mine. It’s not a common law marriage state either. I actually probably have more to gain but not paying any rent. Truthfully, it’s a better deal for me than her at this point. Unless there’s a deep dark hidden motive. It’s always possible, but it just doesn’t seem that way. With all that said, I still don’t trust most people and am trying to be observant and paying close attention to detail. Crazy world we live in. Should be interesting to see how this plays out.


Honestly it doesn't seem like you have much to lose by just going for it with her. Her testing you is a little bit of a concern, but she does have a 2 year old to worry about, so that might be an explanation. You set a very good precedent in the relationship by not just saying "yes dear" and discussing it openly and honestly. A lot of relationship would be better off with that kind of communication. Again, a good precedent that you are already talking like this just 1 month in to the relationship. There is nothing like living together to see if you are really compatible for the long run. Since you need a place to stay anyway and she isn't looking for rent, you like her, she likes you, there is tons of sex, why not move in?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Many of your posts are insightful.
> 
> *This is one of your worst.*
> 
> ...


Even though you are upset with me, I am going to agree with you on a very important point that the OP needs to have sink in and start thinking with his big head and not his little head - 

LIFE AND DATING ARE NOT ALL ABOUT SEX AND ORGASMS!!

The OP’s judgement is being clouded by orgasms and hot sex (which will stop once they get settled into step-family life)

It is HE that needs to step back and look at the cold, harsh realities of what his life will entail once he is living as a paternal understudy. 

He is looking at things through Orgasm Goggles (a term I learned from a very wised poster on here 😉) right now and not seeing the world for what it actually is. 

We can either tell comforting lies (that this woman is his soulmate because she gives good BJs and love will conquer all) 

Or we can tell uncomfortable truths (that she is likely looking for child care and financial assistance and the BJs will likely stop once he has moved in). 

So I actually agree with you on this and you are actually supporting my position. 

He needs to settle his Johnson back down in his pants and look at this situation through a more rational and nuts and bolts perspective.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> LIFE AND DATING ARE NOT ALL ABOUT SEX AND ORGASMS!!


😱😱😱😱😱

Madman!!!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> You are older and your children are nearly grown. The OP is only in his mid 30's and hasn't had children yet.


Which is exactly why he needs to put his Motivator back down in his pants and let his orgasm hormones settle down and look at things more rationally. 

At mid 30s, why on earth should he be taking on a 40 year old woman with TWO year old, when he could be with childfree women in their 20s? 

This is a self esteem issue on his part and he is grasping at the first thing with boobs that winks at his and gives him BJs. 

I don’t know if he is obese or unemployed or simply lacks the social skills that gets him out of the house and around women that don’t have the baggage and where he doesn’t have to wonder whether the BJs are because she’s hot for him or trying to Hoover him into being a provider and child care assistant.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Which is exactly why he needs to put his Motivator back down in his pants and let his orgasm hormones settle down and look at things more rationally.
> 
> *At mid 30s, why on earth should he be taking on a 40 year old woman with TWO year old, when he could be with childfree women in their 20s? *
> 
> ...


Maybe because he actually likes and can see himself loving that 40 year old woman with a two year old kid, and he isn't interested in women in their 20's. You make it sound like a 40 YO woman, that is only a few years older than him, is washed up an worthless. You are saying that child free women in their 20's are worth than 40 year old women with kids. That is a pretty shallow stance. It is also your opinion, not necessarily OP's opinion or many other people. He said he has dated several other women, but this is the one that has clicked with him.

And he isn't "taking her on." If anything it is the other way around. She makes more money than him, has a wealthy ExH providing for the child and she is offering him a free place to live. Maybe she just really likes him and he really likes her.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BigDaddyNY said:


> And he isn't "taking her on." If anything it is the other way around. She makes more money than him, has a wealthy ExH providing for the child and she is offering him a free place to live. Maybe she just really likes him and he really likes her.


Let’s keep in mind that HE is the one that came here concerned that he was being evaluated for being in a child care role. 

I and some others believe his concerns are valid and should be part of his calculus on who he selects as a mate. 

If he lets the horny hormones settle down for awhile and really evaluates all the pros and cons and risks and benefits and determines that she is the best option for him, then that is his choice as an adult male.

But he needs to at least be aware of and understand the risks and responsibilities and liabilities that he will be incurring.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> If you do not like other peoples kids, you likely won't like (much) your own.
> 
> If, by chance, this relationship blossomed, and leads to marriage, that 2 year old would very likely bond well to our OP.
> A good thing.
> ...


Disagree. I love kids. I dearly love my own, with all my heart. 

Doesn’t mean you will like other people's kids or want to live with them for the next _couple of decades_.

If I were young and still childless I'd want as a partner someone also with no kids.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

She is nearly 40... planning to get another child before it's too late. She is playing her cards well. Maybe she is already pregnant...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Which is exactly why he needs to put his Motivator back down in his pants and let his orgasm hormones settle down and look at things more rationally.
> 
> At mid 30s, why on earth should he be taking on a 40 year old woman with TWO year old, when he could be with childfree women in their 20s?
> 
> ...


You see a child as baggage, I see a child as a blessing.
They clearly really like each other, many marriages these days involve one or both with children. Most single mums and dads are looking for love and a happy family just like anyone else. 
She is barely older than him, maybe 4 years difference? It's hardly anything. If he really likes her then why would he want someone in their 20's? Not all men are obsessed with younger women.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> You see a child as baggage, I see a child as a blessing.
> They clearly really like each other, many marriages these days involve one or both with children. Most single mums and dads are looking for love and a happy family just like anyone else.


One’s own children may be a blessing.

Other men’s children are not. 

All I’m really saying is he needs to factor those things into his decision to be with her or not. 

It’s simply making an informed decision knowing the pros vs cons.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> One’s own children may be a blessing.
> 
> Other men’s children are not.
> 
> ...


Yet many love and adore their step children as their own, especially when they have been there since they were small. 
I am sure he is aware of what you say, but many people are not averse to being a step parent. You clearly would hate it, but for many it's far from being a no no.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In the short amount of time dating, he cannot possibly know what he's getting into. Never move in with someone and their very small child unless you have spent a lot of time together first.

If OP has never lived with a toddler he's in for a rude awakening and cannot possibly have evaluated in this short time if this is a living situation he wants to commit to.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Livvie said:


> Disagree. I love kids. I dearly love my own, with all my heart.
> 
> Doesn’t mean you will like other people's kids or want to live with them for the next _couple of decades_.
> 
> If I were young and still childless I'd want as a partner someone also with no kids.


Yup


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Livvie said:


> In the short amount of time dating, he cannot possibly know what he's getting into. Never move in with someone and their very small child unless you have spent a lot of time together first.
> 
> If OP has never lived with a toddler he's in for a rude awakening and cannot possibly have evaluated in this short time if this is a living situation he wants to commit to.



Yup again


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

To each its own. If the OP is fine with moving in with a 40 years old woman and child, that's his prerogative, but I hope he knows what he's doing, because if he thinks that eventually he would want a child of his own I'm afraid that with this lady his chances are slim, if at all. More importantly, they have known each other for only 4 weeks. FOUR WEEKS??? that's insane to move in together already.

I was separated and divorced from my first wife at 36. Personally, I knew that I was not going to be getting serious with any woman that had a child because, first I didn't have one myself at the time, secondly, I wasn't going to be involved in taking care of another man's child, and thirdly, I was not mentally prepared nor I had any inclination at the time to have children of my own. When I met my wife I was 39, and I was lucky that she was younger (33) and no children, because most available women my age at the time had children already. All I know is that I would have stayed single and playing the field, if I was not to be able to find a woman with no children.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Yet many love and adore their step children as their own, especially when they have been there since they were small.
> I am sure he is aware of what you say, but many people are not averse to being a step parent. You clearly would hate it, but for many it's far from being a no no.


In any relationship we weigh the good with the bad based on our own personal metrics and we determine if this person and situation is right for us or not. 

Preexisting children are a huge factor and have tremendous impact on what our lives will be going forward depending on a million factors. 

For men like the OP, they fact that he is having a lot of high-octane sex at the moment is probably one of his primary motivators at the moment. 

I think we can all agree that men’s decisions with their little heads are rarely their wisest decisions. 

Especially when the statistics indicate that the high-octane sex rarely lasts all that long. 

My point is he needs to let his penis settle down and start seriously evaluating these other factors which will have a huge impact on his going forward if he gets with this gal. 

Surely you can agree with me on that right?

If he is going to be in this child’s life and be a part of this blended family going forward - surely you would want him to give this all some very serious, mindful contemplation and make his decision whether to be in this child’s life rather than just hooking up with mommy because she gives good blow jobs correct?

I know you don’t like my blunt and harsh writing style,, but please tell me you agree with me that if he is to be in this child’s life, that he needs to give it serious, clear-headed thought beforehand and not be moving into this child’s life because he likes banging the kid’s mommy. 

Please tell you agree with that.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> She is nearly 40... planning to get another child before it's too late. She is playing her cards well. Maybe she is already pregnant...


I question why she doesn't have friends to do some babysitting. People who have been in the same place for at least a few years should have some local friends. 

I dated in college who after about 2 months of dating asked "to borrow" $200. That was the 80s, when it was worth more too. I was in that period of life when it was painful to say not to a request. I asked him why he couldn't ask his friends. He grew up in the tri-state area. He told that his friends let him down too often. Since then, I've considered that a deal breaker.

Afriend asking me to babysit even once a month would drive me crazy.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> In any relationship we weigh the good with the bad based on our own personal metrics and we determine if this person and situation is right for us or not.
> 
> Preexisting children are a huge factor and have tremendous impact on what our lives will be going forward depending on a million factors.
> 
> ...


Of course, I have said to him a couple of times that I would give it at least another 6 months before even considering living together.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> She is nearly 40... planning to get another child before it's too late. She is playing her cards well. Maybe she is already pregnant...


That’s actually a very good point. 

We also need to take a look at the genesis of her current 2 year old. 

This wasn’t a 19 year old that got knocked up at a drunken frat party. 

She was in her upper 30s and supposedly the baby daddy is well employed and has financial means. 

....... but yet one of two things happened. 

Either she had baby rabies and found some guy with good genes and a good paycheck and schmoozed him up and told him she was on the pill and got her fertilization she wanted and got her child support check along with it. 

Or they actually did date for awhile, got knocked up,,,,, and he realized she was batsht crazy and decided he’d rather shell out 18 years of child support rather than be with her. 

So what does this all tell the OP?

That either she hooks men for their sperm and child-rearing support. 

Or that she is so off the rails as a 37 year old that the baby daddy decided it was in his best interests to write child support checks for 18 years rather than be with her.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Disagree. I love kids. I dearly love my own, with all my heart.
> 
> Doesn’t mean you will like other people's kids or want to live with them for the next _couple of decades_.
> 
> If I were young and still childless I'd want as a partner someone also with no kids.


You marry the Mum or the Dad.
The kid is part of the deal. 

We can choose whom we marry. 

We cannot choose whom we fall in love with. 

Yes, we all wish that they are the one and the same!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> That’s actually a very good point.
> 
> We also need to take a look at the genesis of her current 2 year old.
> 
> ...


I thought the same thing, but was too polite to spell it out...

As I mentioned, he needs to go slow with this lady.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Of course, I have said to him a couple of times that I would give it at least another 6 months before even considering living together.


That’s only giving it a time-stamp and marking time for 6 months.

I want you to publicly acknowledge that before he chooses to enter into a child’s home and a child’s life that he needs to put his penis away and give very serious and mindful contemplation to all of the pros and cons and consider the good, the bad and ugly of moving in with a mother and her very young child. 

And that should he decide that he wants to be with THEM and to make that commitment, that it should only be after he has carefully considered all of the ramifications and responsibilities and liabilities.

Only once he has given mindful consideration to those factors should he commit to entering into that child’s life. 

I want you to publicly acknowledge that this is what is best for him, the mother and the child.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

NTA said:


> I question why she doesn't have friends to do some babysitting. People who have been in the same place for at least a few years should have some local friends.
> 
> I dated in college who after about 2 months of dating asked "to borrow" $200. That was the 80s, when it was worth more too. I was in that period of life when it was painful to say not to a request. I asked him why he couldn't ask his friends. He grew up in the tri-state area. He told that his friends let him down too often. Since then, I've considered that a deal breaker.
> 
> Afriend asking me to babysit even once a month would drive me crazy.


Not a good friend, thou art.

Good friends are like gold, treat them, as such.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> that he needs to put his penis away and give very serious and mindful contemplation


Surely he could do this with his penis out as well? How did the meme go “****s out” I think… 🤔


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> You marry the Mum or the Dad.
> The kid is part of the deal.
> 
> We can choose whom we marry.
> ...


True, and I am so glad my husband fell in love with and married a single mum 🥰 Nothing to do with sex either, we hadn't had sex by then. 
He feels so blessed that he also now has step grandchildren who he is bessotted with. That's the sort of man he is though, awesome.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> That’s only giving it a time-stamp and marking time for 6 months.
> 
> I want you to publicly acknowledge that before he chooses to enter into a child’s home and a child’s life that he needs to put his penis away and give very serious and mindful contemplation to all of the pros and cons and consider the good, the bad and ugly of moving in with a mother and her very young child.
> 
> ...


I am betting that in another 6 months or so he will know one way or the other.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think it's very sad that some here have a very wrong and skewed picture of most single parent's. I think you have been reading too many newspapers.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I think it's very sad that some here have a very wrong and skewed picture of most single parent's. I think you have been reading too many newspapers.


What’s truly is sad is when people DON’T read the newspapers and don’t see what is really happening and what is really going on the world around them.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Can we all agree that @Diana7 thinks babies are all rainbows and puppies and @oldshirt thinks they are the rotten pit of hell and just get on with it ?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I am betting that in another 6 months or so he will know one way or the other.


I’ll take that as your cop out. 

Again, that is just a time-stamp. 

What should he be DOING? 

Answer = he should be making himself aware of and evaluating all of the factors and risks and ramifications and weighing all of the pros and cons of trying to make a home with a single mother and very young child. 

And he should also be aware of the options and evaluate the pros and cons of finding a woman that does not have children. 

With that information he can then make an informed decision and what will be the best course of action for HIM.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Mr.Married said:


> Can we all agree that @Diana7 thinks babies are all rainbows and puppies and @oldshirt thinks they are the rotten pit of hell and just get on with it ?


What the OP needs to ask himself are how many rainbows and puppies will their be once he has moved into the rotten pit of hell.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> What the OP needs to ask himself are how many rainbows and puppies will their be once he has moved into the rotten pit of hell.


I’ll agree I enjoy watching the two of you bash it out cause I’m twisted like that 🤟


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> What’s truly is sad is when people DON’T read the newspapers and don’t see what is really happening and what is really going on the world around them.





oldshirt said:


> What’s truly is sad is when people DON’T read the newspapers and don’t see what is really happening and what is really going on the world around them.


If you think the papers are a true representation of the world then I feel sorry for you!!!. Yes there are a number of single mums who are irresponsible, who have had 4 children from 4 different dads and are still only 20, (although at least they are caring for their children unlike the men who got them pregnant and ran), but almost all of the single mums I have known were either widowed or divorced. Lovely people who are doing a fab job of being both mum and dad to their children in very difficult circumstances.. Thankfully there are many lovely people who dont see this as a no no and go on to have happy marriages. I know quite a few of those.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> I think it's very sad that some here have a very wrong and skewed picture of most single parent's. I think you have been reading too many newspapers.


I get a skewed picture of a single parent when such single parent is prepared to leave her 2 year old with a man she hardly knows... been going out for 4 weeks, FGS!


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> That’s actually a very good point.
> 
> We also need to take a look at the genesis of her current 2 year old.
> 
> ...


You left out a possibility. She may have been a good wife of many years to her Ex and he cheated on her destroying the marriage. There could be dozens of other reasons. You are just picking 2 that fit with your narrative and it is all assumption.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> I’ll take that as your cop out.
> 
> Again, that is just a time-stamp.
> 
> ...


He should date and get to know her and she him. How else can either of them possibly know if this will work? If she is the one for him then it will work. If not then it wont. If you love someone their children become yours. At some point they will both know whether to end it or move in together/get married. 

Shortly after our wedding my husband said to me that when you marry someone their children become yours. Its a package deal. OK mine were older, but he is thrilled to have daughters as well as another son (he has 2 sons with his ex). He treats them as if they were his own, the same with the grandchildren. Far from taking away, marrying someone with children can greatly enrich your life if you have the right attitude.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You left out a possibility. She may have been a good wife of many years to her Ex and he cheated on her destroying the marriage. There could be dozens of other reasons. You are just picking 2 that fit with your narrative and it is all assumption.


As was the case with a few people I know. Husbands cheated and abandoned them. They are brilliant mums.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You left out a possibility. She may have been a good wife of many years to her Ex and he cheated on her destroying the marriage. There could be dozens of other reasons. You are just picking 2 that fit with your narrative and it is all assumption.


Well done sir .... or she could be a nut job but I like your leveling point 🤟


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

For the record I’d rather do recreational chemotherapy than date a woman with a young child. Just saying.......


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You left out a possibility. She may have been a good wife of many years to her Ex and he cheated on her destroying the marriage. There could be dozens of other reasons. You are just picking 2 that fit with your narrative and it is all assumption.


That is a possibility. 

But if she were a sound wife and mother and squared away 40 year old, Would she be trying to move a man she had been boffing for a month into her home to watch her child while she parties with supposed coworkers? 

And if she had been living a conventional married and family life prior to some precipitating event like husband cheating or abandoning her etc, I think the OP would have mentioned it by now. 

If OP comes back and confirms your hypothesis, I will take that for what it’s worth. 

But at this time, the information we have been provided is a single 40 year old with a 2 year old has been hitting up her BF of one month to move in with her and watch her 2 year old while she goes out on the town.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> True, and I am so glad my husband fell in love with and married a single mum 🥰 Nothing to do with sex either, we hadn't had sex by then.
> He feels so blessed that he also now has step grandchildren who he is bessotted with. That's the sort of man he is though, awesome.


I know I can sound mean and heartless at times but the truth is way deep down I am an old fashioned romantic and big softy. 

I hope that if this is the route that he chooses that things work out as well for them as it has for you and your H. 

I hope they happily ever after and everything goes great for them. 

I hope he can come back in 18 years and tell tell us all that all of our concerns have been for nothing. 

But at this point, he would be a classic fool and chump to blindly follow his penis into this situation.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> That is a possibility.
> 
> But if she were a sound wife and mother and squared away 40 year old, Would she be trying to move a man she had been boffing for a month into her home to watch her child while she parties with supposed coworkers?
> 
> ...


I was assuming it was an ExH, but reading back @BDIN1 only refers to him as the child's father. So your situations could be accurate. For the record though, she wasn't going out to party. She was meeting a previous coworker, that is female, and is the discuss a job opportunity. 

I am actually interested in knowing if they have discussed her Ex, for two reasons. If they haven't discussed it, then they haven't really gotten very deep into knowing each other and it add more concern about moving too fast. Understanding more about her past relationship(s) could shed a lot of light on how she will be in the furture.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> If you think the papers are a true representation of the world then I feel sorry for you!!!. Yes there are a number of single mums who are irresponsible, who have had 4 children from 4 different dads and are still only 20, (although at least they are caring for their children unlike the men who got them pregnant and ran), but almost all of the single mums I have known were either widowed or divorced. Lovely people who are doing a fab job of being both mum and dad to their children in very difficult circumstances.. Thankfully there are many lovely people who dont see this as a no no and go on to have happy marriages. I know quite a few of those.


We really don't know. I dated a guy who was 23 and said that he was living with a woman who was 2 years older than he was. They broke up, he told me due to the fact that she was dating another guy while he was spending the week away at university and the weekends with her and her kids. 

He also told me 
that those kids had no bio connection to him. Did he say that because in the 80s very few people in undergrad had children?
that there were 3 babydaddys involved and he never met them or any other relatives like grandparents. Did he say that to avoid follow up questions?
that she chose the guy with whom she cheated as her new bf? Did he say that to give the veneer that she's "safe" now?

This is the guy who asked for the "keys to the car," meaning my car so that he could help his gf to run some errands. That's a whole lot of risk loaning your car out.
And also to borrow $200. Maybe that's the way he rounds up child support. 

I try not to make any assumptions. But I do take care to avoid putting myself in any situation that exposes me to risk.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I was assuming it was an ExH, but reading back @BDIN1 only refers to him as the child's father. So your situations could be accurate. For the record though, she wasn't going out to party. She was meeting a previous coworker, that is female, and is the discuss a job opportunity.
> 
> I am actually interested in knowing if they have discussed her Ex, for two reasons. If they haven't discussed it, then they haven't really gotten very deep into knowing each other and it add more concern about moving too fast. Understanding more about her past relationship(s) could shed a lot of light on how she will be in the furture.


I also think it is notable that the OP hasn’t mentioned the baby daddy at all other that he has an income higher than the OP’s.

I also want to add that it is possible that she was a dutiful and loving wife and mother who’s husband cheated and left her. 

.... but if we’re gonna use that speculation then we also have to consider that SHE may have been the cheater and that she was the one that destroyed the marriage. 

Either way, I agree that it behooves the OP to find out.

For a 40 year old woman to not be with the father of her 2 year old,, something is afoot at the Circle K.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

OP needs to have better options than a 40yr old with a 2yr old.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I was assuming it was an ExH, but reading back @BDIN1 only refers to him as the child's father. So your situations could be accurate. For the record though, she wasn't going out to party. She was meeting a previous coworker, that is female, and is the discuss a job opportunity.
> 
> I am actually interested in knowing if they have discussed her Ex, for two reasons. If they haven't discussed it, then they haven't really gotten very deep into knowing each other and it add more concern about moving too fast. Understanding more about her past relationship(s) could shed a lot of light on how she will be in the furture.


Doctor's are notorious cheaters feeling entitled to whatever they want.

So we have no idea what happened but based on the dad's profession..... and the fact most women don't want to break up a happy home that young. Of course maybe she's a surgeon or a nurse....?


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## BDIN1 (Sep 20, 2021)

Update : 

I think I’ll take the risk and move in with her. This entire thing is teaching me a lesson. Being a single Mom has to be so exhausting. It’s a lot of work, especially when you work a full time job too. One minute the kid is happy, the next he’s screaming about something, lol… I’m gaining respect for women even more so than I had before. Might even call my Mom and randomly thank her. I don’t have kids, so again, this is pretty new. I have nieces and nephews, but I’m seeing a different angle here. 
Apparently, her ex fiancé cheated on her with someone in his office. He left her too. Which I think he messed up big time, he’s not only missing out on his kid, but what seems to be a real good woman. If she’s playing me, she’s doing a great job. She does the sweetest things and makes me feel feelings I didn’t feel very often in my past marriage that didn’t work out. As for the posters saying she’s going for money, or another baby or whatever - I might agree with you with some women. This one seems to have her life together, hasn’t asked for money, or support of any kind outside of what I said. She actually is offering to make my life easier and it has me asking myself what I can do to try to make her life easier. I don’t want her to feel taken advantage of either. My heart is in the right place and she’s 10 times better than anyone I’ve met on the dating apps. I had pretty girls, nice ones, weird ones, crazy ones but this one just seems different. I can’t really explain it. Honeymoon phase maybe, but I didn’t get that with any of my other dates post divorce. Not a single one. Appreciate all of the feedback so far. I realize everyone is going to feel differently. I have a hard time trusting, so, it’s not easy to assume the best.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

BDIN1 said:


> Update :
> 
> I think I’ll take the risk and move in with her. This entire thing is teaching me a lesson. Being a single Mom has to be so exhausting. It’s a lot of work, especially when you work a full time job too. One minute the kid is happy, the next he’s screaming about something, lol… I’m gaining respect for women even more so than I had before. Might even call my Mom and randomly thank her. I don’t have kids, so again, this is pretty new. I have nieces and nephews, but I’m seeing a different angle here.
> Apparently, her ex fiancé cheated on her with someone in his office. He left her too. Which I think he messed up big time, he’s not only missing out on his kid, but what seems to be a real good woman. If she’s playing me, she’s doing a great job. She does the sweetest things and makes me feel feelings I didn’t feel very often in my past marriage that didn’t work out. As for the posters saying she’s going for money, or another baby or whatever - I might agree with you with some women. This one seems to have her life together, hasn’t asked for money, or support of any kind outside of what I said. She actually is offering to make my life easier and it has me asking myself what I can do to try to make her life easier. I don’t want her to feel taken advantage of either. My heart is in the right place and she’s 10 times better than anyone I’ve met on the dating apps. I had pretty girls, nice ones, weird ones, crazy ones but this one just seems different. I can’t really explain it. Honeymoon phase maybe, but I didn’t get that with any of my other dates post divorce. Not a single one. Appreciate all of the feedback so far. I realize everyone is going to feel differently. I have a hard time trusting, so, it’s not easy to assume the best.


You are telling yourself "this one is different" but she isn't. No sane woman invites a man to move in with herself and her 2 year old child 4 weeks after meeting him. Truly. The fact that you aren't recognizing that is worrisome.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm detecting some white knight syndrome here.

OP, I sincerely hope this works out for you.

Best of luck.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Good luck!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I hope you keep us posted if anything changes, for better or for worse. If things work out, that's great. If things don't work out, you'll have gained life experience.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I wish you the best.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

BDIN1 said:


> Lots of responses here, good to see.
> 
> Confronted her and was honest. Best policy. She laughed and said she knew I was worried about it. She told me she really just wanted to see what I would say.


I do find this reaction to be, well, a bit strange. 

And could she have not asked her son's father? 

If you're hitting it off and it feels like the relationship is moving at the pace that is agreeable with you both, then have at it. I think you need to trust yourself with the decisions that you are making in this. Granted, you also don't know each other particularly well yet. I also feel there's a big difference with actually living with a romantic partner, in terms of navigating the daily life stuff, chores, responsibilities, priorities, moods and emotions, compared to frequent sleepovers where aspects of your lives can remain separate - of which you are no doubt both aware through seasoned experience. Perhaps that's where personality type, priorities, and to some extent, compatibility comes in as to whether living together is the ideal arrangement for you as individuals and then as a couple. It's good that you took pause and told her straight how you felt about her request. 

Follow your heart without losing your head.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

BDIN1 said:


> Hell, I’m paranoid who I leave my dog with.


Me too - with our dogs. We don't have kids.

Speaking of ...would you feel comfortable to hypothetically leave the doggo with her? And how is the dog with her and the toddler? Does she have pets? So many questions as part of the considerations with living together. Namely, ensuring this is also going to suit your loyal buddy.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Further thought (sorry, I do this sometimes) is that although you have now spoken openly with her about the babysitting request, your initial concern seemed to basically be around whether you are being manipulated. Her response to the conversation doesn't seem straight to me. It's good to reality-check / bounce things off others sometimes, however, essentially the feeling that motivated you to come here and start a thread about it - in my opinion - ought not be easily ignored or justified. Her request felt off to you for a reason. Be mindful of that. Follow your heart without losing your head and trust in your decisions.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Get a vasectomy


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> One’s own children may be a blessing.
> Other men’s children are not.
> All I’m really saying is he needs to factor those things into his decision to be with her or not.
> It’s simply making an informed decision knowing the pros vs cons.


Can't say it ever bothered me, I married a 32 year old single mom with a 12 year old daughter and it's been great. We were married 3 weeks after meeting.
Had ZERO problems with the step-daughter, she moved out a couple of months back after finishing university, starting her first job in town, and moving into an apartment with another girl.

But it wouldn't have happened with a 40 year old woman as I wanted my own kid.

@BDIN1 
Good luck with your new adventure in parenting.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> What’s truly is sad is when people DON’T read the newspapers and don’t see what is really happening and what is really going on the world around them.


Off topic,
I don't believe the newspapers (or MSM) tell me anything true about the world around me.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> I know I can sound mean and heartless at times but the truth is way deep down I am *an old fashioned romantic *and big softy.


 Old fashioned romantics aren't into swinging. Maybe, you're a new fangled romantic.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> . Maybe, you're a new fangled romantic.


It’s just more love for everyone 💕 😍


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

BDIN1 said:


> Update :
> 
> I think I’ll take the risk and move in with her. This entire thing is teaching me a lesson. Being a single Mom has to be so exhausting. It’s a lot of work, especially when you work a full time job too. One minute the kid is happy, the next he’s screaming about something, lol… I’m gaining respect for women even more so than I had before. Might even call my Mom and randomly thank her. I don’t have kids, so again, this is pretty new. I have nieces and nephews, but I’m seeing a different angle here.
> Apparently, her ex fiancé cheated on her with someone in his office. He left her too. Which I think he messed up big time, he’s not only missing out on his kid, but what seems to be a real good woman. If she’s playing me, she’s doing a great job. She does the sweetest things and makes me feel feelings I didn’t feel very often in my past marriage that didn’t work out. As for the posters saying she’s going for money, or another baby or whatever - I might agree with you with some women. This one seems to have her life together, hasn’t asked for money, or support of any kind outside of what I said. She actually is offering to make my life easier and it has me asking myself what I can do to try to make her life easier. I don’t want her to feel taken advantage of either. My heart is in the right place and she’s 10 times better than anyone I’ve met on the dating apps. I had pretty girls, nice ones, weird ones, crazy ones but this one just seems different. I can’t really explain it. Honeymoon phase maybe, but I didn’t get that with any of my other dates post divorce. Not a single one. Appreciate all of the feedback so far. I realize everyone is going to feel differently. I have a hard time trusting, so, it’s not easy to assume the best.


I personally think it is a good choice. Of course it could go all wrong on you, but I still think you have very little to lose at this point. I hope you did find the right one. As others have said, I hope you keep us updated on how it goes.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> Get a vasectomy


This is solid advice. Might sound flippant but it's not. If you are worried you might change your mind you can always freeze your sperm, it'll be cheaper than 18yrs or longer of payments. Plus she's 40, higher risk for developmental problems. What I'm saying is if she has a "miracle baby" there could be issues. If she has a special needs kid guess who is on the hook financially? Also, don't expect the kid to move out at 18, nope. Lifetime of expenses.

You said you are going to "take the risk" and move in. It's great things are good now, but they always are at first. Just keep your eyes open. I'd still suggest reading The Tactical Guide to Women by Dr Shawn Smith. You don't know the whole story behind why the kid's dad left her. Think about it, you said it yourself. He left his kid and a great unicorn of a woman. Stay frosty.


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## Lolati11 (Nov 29, 2017)

BDIN1 said:


> I really do like her and she seems worth it. I realize she sounds completely crazy for suggesting this so soon, but — there’s been a really strong connection emotionally and psychically. I’m smart enough to realize this isn’t normal, but don’t want to complete shut her out either and miss out on something good. She doesn’t know me that well, but if it did work out, I’d be totally fine helping out as much as I could. I just want it to be for the right reasons and not so someone can go slam back drinks and chat it up on a weekday while I sit at home like an idiot. Now let me be clear, I’m not saying it’s bad to go out on a weekday or anything crazy like that, I’m just afraid of it becoming routine and that’s a major, major, major turn off and a recipe for disaster. Been there and seen that too many times.


You said you feel the connection with her . She canceled plans with her friends before to be with you , the sex is good . Had it occurred to you that she feels the same way ? That she trust you enough to ask you to watch the kid for a couples of hours ? . I don’t see the big deal about it . I mean it’s the first time she asks , now if she does it again in the future , you should definitely talk to her about it . While many say it’s too soon , I am a strong believer that you only live once . Wouldn’t you rather know if it’s going to work now then later ? . 
if babysitting make you nervous ,offer to pay for a baby sitter . I am sure she has someone to watch the kid .


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## Friedaw88 (Jul 13, 2021)

Being with a woman with kids isn't a good idea. In my opinion, a women must put her man (husband) as number one in her life. When she has kids from a previous relationship, she must put those kids first (before you). Therefore, you, as a man and maybe husband in the future will never get the full respect and attention that men require by nature.
I know this is a very unpopular opinion but I have seen it far too many times by close family members. She isn't doing her child or you any favors by dating you or anyone else. It's unfair to you for her to even date you (or anyone) while her child is young (under 18yrs). 
Good luck with your situation. Do what's best for you and that child. That child has a dad, somewhere, you will always be in competition with him.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Friedaw88 said:


> Being with a woman with kids isn't a good idea. In my opinion, a women must put her man (husband) as number one in her life. When she has kids from a previous relationship, she must put those kids first (before you). Therefore, you, as a man and maybe husband in the future will never get the full respect and attention that men require by nature.
> I know this is a very unpopular opinion but I have seen it far too many times by close family members. She isn't doing her child or you any favors by dating you or anyone else. It's unfair to you for her to even date you (or anyone) while her child is young (under 18yrs).
> Good luck with your situation. Do what's best for you and that child. That child has a dad, somewhere, you will always be in competition with him.


Well, this is just silly.

The woman isn't supposed to even DATE someone for the next 16 years?

I've heard it all, now.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Incoming train wreck, but good luck!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Free rent has so much appeal. This is one desperate woman. And one desperate man.


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## BDIN1 (Sep 20, 2021)

Update : 

All the negative people were sadly correct.
Everything was great, even took her to my hometown. Yesterday we were at a bar watching the football game and she goes to the bathroom. Once she returns her phone is dinging from “Jose” - I asked who it was because I saw a heart emoji. Low and behold, she was texting another dating app guy from prior to knowing me. Perfectly fine with a female having male friends, but she didn’t bother to tell me and the guy was talking in sweet nothings language and she hurried and hid her phone. She wouldn’t discuss it and said I was being controlling, lol……

Ended up leaving her at the bar. 45 minutes from her car. What a waste and now I see why she’s single


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

@BDIN1 - You learned a valuable lesson and dodged a bullet. Hey, live and learn, right? At least you discovered this before moving in with her. Am I correct that you hadn't moved in with her yet?

ETA: Slow down. Waaaaayyyyyyy down. No matter how good a woman and the situation may look, be cautious and on guard. You could have gotten burned with this loser. Next time, take it slow. Glad you are okay and I love the fact that you ditched her at the bar - good job!


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## BDIN1 (Sep 20, 2021)

Correct. Didn’t move in, she didn’t get the new place she applied for. She tried to buy me with money too. If I would of moved in, I probably would of been asked to watch her child often and who knows where she would of been going. I’m not the controlling type who goes through phones, but when you see stuff like that, it’s obvious to know what’s going on. She tried to play it off like it was nothing and deflected to make it my fault, but it’s clear as the blue sky what was up. Feel sorry for the next fella and yeah, she had to have her friend drive her drunk ass to my place to get her car.
She lied to her ex too saying she was in another state with a flight delay and was going to pick up her kid late. I was real tempted to send him the proof to the baby daddy, but didn’t want to drama. Dodged a bullet, or a nuclear bomb?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Not negative — just realistic. 😄

Better luck with the next one.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Glad you found out before you moved in.


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## Amanhasnoname (Apr 1, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Glad you found out before you moved in.


Me too OP.
A very narrow escape my friend. It certainly makes you question her 'My ex cheated on me' claims also.
Best of luck to you going foreward.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

BDIN1 said:


> She wouldn’t discuss it and said I was being controlling, lol……


@BDIN1 I'm happy that you got out, I was seeing a train wreck incoming, you jumped before the crash!
One thing I want to point you attention to, when a woman tell you you're being controlling or jealous, what they means is: *She doesn't like men with boundaries!*
It's a weapon that some women use against men, if you have solid boundaries they will try and crack it using this tactic among others!
Some of my EXs tried to use *controlling* and *jealous* tactics on me. 
My go to reply was: I don't give a s*** if you think I'm controlling or jealous. what you're doing is not acceptable, either you stop or I'm out (most likely I'm out if it involves a third party)!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think that most here agreed that one month was far too soon to be moving in together, but there are some lovely single parents around despite some here speaking about them as if they are the devil himself.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> I think that most here agreed that one month was far too soon to be moving in together, but there are some lovely single parents around despite some here speaking about them as if they are the devil himself.


I agree. I married one myself.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> @BDIN1 I'm happy that you got out, I was seeing a train wreck incoming, you jumped before the crash!
> One thing I want to point you attention to, when a woman tell you you're being controlling or jealous, what they means is: *She doesn't like men with boundaries!*
> It's a weapon that some women use against men, if you have solid boundaries they will try and crack it using this tactic among others!
> Some of my EXs tried to use *controlling* and *jealous* tactics on me.
> My go to reply was: I don't give a s*** if you think I'm controlling or jealous. what you're doing is not acceptable, either you stop or I'm out (most likely I'm out if it involves a third party)!


i got the line ie. are you threatening me?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Live and learn, but yeah you dodged a bullet.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Well now you have a whole new set of red flags to watch out for. I'm glad you got out before you became her next baby daddy.


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## AttaBoy (Sep 30, 2018)

BDIN1 said:


> Update :
> 
> All the negative people were sadly correct.
> Everything was great, even took her to my hometown. Yesterday we were at a bar watching the football game and she goes to the bathroom. Once she returns her phone is dinging from “Jose” - I asked who it was because I saw a heart emoji. Low and behold, she was texting another dating app guy from prior to knowing me. Perfectly fine with a female having male friends, but she didn’t bother to tell me and the guy was talking in sweet nothings language and she hurried and hid her phone. She wouldn’t discuss it and said I was being controlling, lol……
> ...


BDIN1, are you looking at her dinner date from a few weeks ago in a different way now? Or any of her other goings on while you were together?


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

AttaBoy said:


> BDIN1, are you looking at her dinner date from a few weeks ago in a different way now? Or any of her other goings on while you were together?





BDIN1 said:


> She seems really well put together, she’s considerate and doesn’t send any major red flags...



I'm sure at this point, after his narrow escape, he probably sees TONS of red flags. I give him major props for updating us and admitting he was wrong and some of us weren't just being negative for no reason. I hope he works on his health and wealth to the point where he has so may options that he doesn't even entertain a woman like this ever again. Wishing you nothing but the best OP.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Remember how much you were convinced that she was such a good catch ..... think about that next time your puppy dog eyes are acting up. Use your logical head before your heart.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Leaving her at the bar was a ballsy move . And the right one. Few men would do this due to their social conditioning as nice guys. In your hometown none the less she was acting up. couldn't stay off the phone for 10 minutes (another red). I'm sure she views you differently. And believe it or not with greater respect even though she is mighty pissed off.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

OP, glad you got out of that with your hide still intact.
But do try to learn from this. She pushed all your buttons, the monkey sex was wild indeed. but she was not right in the head. who knows what would have happened if you stuck around.

So you need to figure out why you were so attracted to that sort of person. if for no other reason, than just to be able to spot her type again and avoid her type in the future.


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