# I'm passive aggressive and know it...but



## likegum (Oct 2, 2011)

My wife and I are recently married (6 months) this is my second marriage and her third, although her first one was at a young age and realistically does not count. We’ve been having fights lately that have started to get quite nasty. She has been focused on the fact that I’m passive aggressive, a fact that I’m well aware and have been trying to work on and fix. Our discussions and arguments always lead to one topic and that is my passive nature to the point where I’m totally frustrated and feeling not heard at all with respect to her behaviours such has her lack of listening. Just about every night she spends time at the computer "validating" my behaivor and telling me I have a problem. I’m so frustrated and sad with it all and don’t know what to do. I love her very much and have committed to her that I will work hard on fixing the behaviours but that just does not seem good enough. I’ve started to shut down and withdraw and I know that is not a good thing for such a young relationship. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

How are you working on it? I truly don't think you can do it on your own. Counseling would work wonders with that.

And...the first marriage does count lol.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

My husband, like you, is also PA. One thing he does to avoid ownership or acknowledgment of his faults is to derail the topic that I brought up, (usually something that hurt my feelings), and instead start talking about MY issues, instead of sticking to the main topic. Derailing like this is a counterproductive tactic PAs use to avoid focusing on themselves... More later... (posting from mobile).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Hmmm, my H does this (derails it and brings up something I said or did instead and never address the point).

Have you asked her to provide a solution instead of just verifying you have a problem? Yes, the problem is identified. Please help with a solution instead


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Likegum, well done with owning up to your passive aggression. Without that recognition and acknowledgement and acceptance you wouldn’t be able to move forward and change things. But it sounds from what you describe that your wife is passive aggressive as well. And she’s using her passive aggression to stonewall you from taking discussions further.

I’m convinced things like passive aggression are a reaction, a self protection, to things seen in childhood. And in this way they are imprinted and embedded deep within a person’s psyche and become part of its core foundation. PA is an ego defence mechanism of that I am sure. In essence PA is a way for the person to not to have to take a look at themselves, to see where they are going wrong but rather put 100% of the blame on the other person. Just like your wife is doing. There will be a reason why she is on her third marriage and maybe PA is the reason.


So we have this learned behaviour from childhood, witness of our own parents ways of doing things and we take their behaviour into adulthood and right into our own marriages. And just repeat the same old mistakes.

What can be done about it? I think the very best thing is go on a marriage enrichment program/course. These do not need active participation, it is not counselling and often a number of couples attend. They are rather a lecture or seminar on which structures and dynamics make for good and happy marriages and contain things like conflict resolution processes and techniques etc.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I was too passive aggressive until my wake up call came with my wife cheating.

The important thing to realize is that don't be afraid to ask for what your really want/need. If you don't ask for what you want you usually don't get what you want and acting like a martyr gets tiresome to your partner and builds resentment.


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## likegum (Oct 2, 2011)

Last night we went to a movie. It was a quite emotional one about cancer and all of that. As we were driving out of the parking lot we were talking about times in our life when we dealt with simular things. She mentioned her mother, who died a couple of years ago and how emotional it was given the complicated circumstances. 

I said..."judging by the sounds in the crowd a lot of people had experiences as well". Her comment to me was a snotty "who do you know who went through that", knowing my dad died of cancer. I asked her what was wrong and she said nothing.

There was someone else in the car so I didn't press it. But when we got home she continued to be somewhat distant. So I took her aside and she still said nothing.

Well, after a discussion this morning on how I felt things between us were not their norm, she disclosed that she was po'ed last night that I didn't acknowledge her mother comments last night and lumped her 'in with the crowd'. I got upset that she didn't say anything until now and how far was that. Her reply was to say that she won't bring anything up anymore cause she expects a fight when she does.

Now she's off to work and I'm left feeling really crappy about things. I refuse to push the issue anymore. I feel like I'm going right back to how I was in my crappy first marriage, sad and lonely. She say's that I bring it on myself.

She read an old personal journal of mine from when I was first divorced. there were lots of personal self reflection things that she now mentions when we have discussions that always seem to come back to me being the bad guy.


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## WayTooAverage (Jul 29, 2011)

likegum said:


> I said..."judging by the sounds in the crowd a lot of people had experiences as well". Her comment to me was a snotty "who do you know who went through that", knowing my dad died of cancer. I asked her what was wrong and she said nothing.
> 
> she was po'ed last night that I didn't acknowledge her mother comments last night and lumped her 'in with the crowd'.



Likegum perhaps there is a valuable lesson for you and the rest of us in your situation. Notice that you did respond, but you just didn't respond to her about her pain. Maybe next time you can acknowledge her personal experience and pain instead "lumping her in with the crowd." I'm in no way trying to criticize you or how you handled the situation. I'm only trying to say sometimes we all can learn to be a little more "sensitive" (for lack of a better word), when communicating with others. We can always go the extra mile. There is always room for us to fine tune our communication skills and be more empathetic to the person who is sharing their feelings with us. I know I sure need to. I have always had a bad habit of interrupting a person when they speak. It talk a quarter of my life to realize I was doing it. After some hard introspection I am learning not to interrupt people. Sometimes I fail but for the most part it's well worth the effort. And the rewards are more respect from the person talking to me. I don't know why I brought that last part up, maybe because it reminded me of what you're going through.


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## likegum (Oct 2, 2011)

How do you get over the feelings that it's just not worth it anymore. My self esteem is lower than it has ever been and I see no end. I could do 9 out of 10 things right, but the 10th becomes a reason to totally deflate me. Her comments are very harsh and purposely hurtful. I said to her on the weekend, that I wonder if my easy going nature has contributed to her taking the pain caused by many men in her life out on me. Her reply was 'maybe'.

I know that I have a lot of work to do on myself. But lately I've honestly though if I am able to improve with someone who continually takes chunks out of my self esteem. I expect that I do the same to her. She looks as sad as I do. So, i'm wondering (as I'm sure she is) why we're in this?


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## WayTooAverage (Jul 29, 2011)

likegum said:


> How do you get over the feelings that it's just not worth it anymore. My self esteem is lower than it has ever been and I see no end. I could do 9 out of 10 things right, but the 10th becomes a reason to totally deflate me. Her comments are very harsh and purposely hurtful. I said to her on the weekend, that I wonder if my easy going nature has contributed to her taking the pain caused by many men in her life out on me. Her reply was 'maybe'.
> 
> I know that I have a lot of work to do on myself. But lately I've honestly though if I am able to improve with someone who continually takes chunks out of my self esteem. I expect that I do the same to her. She looks as sad as I do. So, i'm wondering (as I'm sure she is) why we're in this?


I totally understand where you are coming from!!! In many ways I am going through the same thing. I feel for you, really I do! It's hard when a wife inflates your sense of self esteem. It happens to me too. I can't give you any life changing advice. Some kind folks in this forum did suggest I read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. I purchased it from Amazon. There is a free copy online in .pdf form if you google it.


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