# Need some advice please



## Lastcall (Sep 27, 2009)

Hi there, I came to this forum because I am feeling horrible about some choices I have made and need some advice.... I met a married man online about 5 months ago... We ended up going for coffee and he did tell me he was married with kids. I know it was wrong for me to contiunue our realtionship, but something special happened and I grew these really stong feelings for him.....I blocked out the fact he was married and I enjoyed him and all we have done together....we were VERY intimate, but never had sex. I could almost say I love this guy.... He is amazing to me....Anyways, to make a long story short I went against my better judgement and left a message on his phone that his wife recieved......Oppppssss DUH!!! what was I thinking?? Anyways, I am feeling horrible over all of this and not sure what to do....Him and his wife have been on a rocky road for the last few yrs anyways, but do I leave this situation alone?, Do I continue talking to him?, I know this sounds selfish to say, but I would take him in a heartbeat if he ended up divorced.....I just don't know what I should do, obviously the damage is partly done....Any advise?


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## mae (Aug 17, 2009)

Leave it alone. Completely. He needs to sort out whatever with his wife before he does anything. You're only adding complications and making his situation worse. Put yourself in his wife's shoes for a minute (and his kids for that matter).

Additionally, if he's willing to cheat on her, what makes you think he wouldn't cheat on you if the opportunity arose?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I have a hard time that you "accidently" left a message on his home answering machine. Marriage sabatoge it's called. 

Leave it alone. He hasn't divorced his wife...he probably says he stays for the kids. Not true, just sounds good for the girlfriend. He has a connection to his wife-marriage. 

You are playing with fire and with someone else's man. You will get burned sooner or later.


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## optimistvik (Aug 4, 2009)

When he is ready to cheat his own kids and wife then what guaranty is there that he will not cheat on you.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Lastcall, you are so in the wrong it isn't funny. I don't care what BS he told you about his marriage being rocky or whatever. You are stealing from his wife and his children. You have no right, whatsoever to be in this relationship. And I agree that you didn't leave the message accidentally or absent-mindedly. YOu wanted to stir the pot at home for him. 

Well, I hope he gets into a boat load of trouble because he is a CHEATER and he deserves whatever he gets.

As for you, you deserve the same because you walked into this with your eyes open. 

How would you feel if this were your man? Come to think of it, how do you like his having a wife and family that are actually more important than you? How does it feel? Probably not so hot. Imagine how it feels if you are the wife and find out about someone like you? Put yourself in her shoes. Do you want someone to do this to you?


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## Lastcall (Sep 27, 2009)

First of all I would like to clarify the message was left on his personal phone and not his home phone....He told me it was okay, I went against my better judgement and did...Secondly, we were supposed to be friends, our feelings got in the way and we started to like each other alot more then what we should. This all happening over a 7 month span. There is no doubt he doesn't love his wife....He never says anything about her, or bad for that matter. They are not intimate which makes me believe he was looking for. I know I am wrong in every way here, so bash all you like, I am just human like everyone else and I'm not looking for sympathy here, I was just looking for some advice. I decided to take some, and it seems to me the more I ignore him, the more he calls and wants me....Weird, I am just really confused now.....He seems to be affraid I will find someone else, I really like him and he seems to be making it harder to walk away!!


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## Lastcall (Sep 27, 2009)

Lostandconfused said:


> Quote from your original post "I met a married man online about (5) months ago" Date and time of post: Yesterday, 6:43 pm.
> 
> Quote from your most recent post "This all happening over a (7) month span" Date and time of post: Today, 5:19 pm.
> 
> ...



Wow, I didn't realize that the time frame really matters that much to you, when I actually thought about it after rushing off this post it's been 7 months...Excuse me!!! I never said I was sure he "didn't love her" What I meant was there is no doubt that he doesn't love her....Meaning OF COARSE he does......Since I left my original post, I have been ignoring him for the most part........You know what, I really have nothing to explain to you, especially YOU!!, I didn't come here to get called out on anything by YOU!! So honestly, save your opinon for someone who actually asks for it, seeing as your such an expert!!!


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## mae (Aug 17, 2009)

Whoa. I think this thread has gotten a little out of hand. No one should be trying to be bashing anyone.

You came here asking what you should do and I think we pretty much all agree you should just leave the situation alone. Unfortunately guys like this aren't honest. No matter how nice and good he seems, he's living a lie and you can't trust him. You don't want to be someone who cheats and who wrecks a home, so just get out now and disconnect from the situation. That's my advice. Take it or leave it is up to you. Hope you make the right choice.


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## Lostandconfused (Jul 6, 2009)

Lastcall,

I've removed my advice/opinion since you didn't ask for it. I was really hoping that you'd see from a different perspective what this situation is doing to others within it. My apologies that it didn't work out so well.

Best of luck to you,
Lost


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## Lastcall (Sep 27, 2009)

Lostandconfused said:


> Lastcall,
> 
> I've removed my advice/opinion since you didn't ask for it. I was really hoping that you'd see from a different perspective what this situation is doing to others within it. My apologies that it didn't work out so well.
> 
> ...


I appreciate your advice, however I do know what I have done is wrong here, and advice was all I wanted....I didn't need to feel persoanlly attacked or called out by you, thats all....Thanks


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

Ok, first of all, I'm going to assume that you are single? You don't mention a husband of your own, so that's what I gather here. I am not going to bash you, but I am going to give you the wife's point of view.

I was married for 15 years to a cheating husband. Every one of the times he cheated, it started out as them being friends/co-workers/etc... It would start off innocently enough. Then they would get more personal, confiding about problems and such.

Here is the problem.....cheating husbands never tell the other woman good things about the wife. They say how the wife doesn't pay attention to them, won't have sex with them, won't meet their emotional and sexual needs. It's a load of crap. They paint a bad picture of the wife to make themselves and the other woman feel justified about cheating. I assume it is the same way with cheating wives as well.

Just a quick story for you. The last time my ex husband cheated on me, I found an email she'd written him. I wrote her one asking her why she was asking my husband to come over and have sex with her. I got a 2 page email from her telling me that I did not appreciate my husband. She didn't even know me! She conviently had no knowledge about the 15 years of emotional abuse, cheating, drug abuse, or how I'd ended up pregnant and homeless at one point because he wanted to see someone else.

My point here is, you only know what he tells you. Odds are, that's not the whole story.

If he really is a great guy and stuck in a horrible marriage, the step back. Tell him to get his life straight and then give you a call. If your bond is that strong it will endure. You do not want to be the cause of breaking a marriage up. That is guilt you would have to live with for the rest of your life because you would be hurting innocent children, not just his wife. Not to mention, there could be serious trust issues between you and him if you do end up together.


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## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

Lastcall, what is so sad about these stories like the one you posted here is that most of the are all nearly the same...we were just friends...we have this incredible connection...we can't help how we feel...their marriage has been rocky for years...he is hardly ever intimate with his wife...

I truly believe cheating spouses are given a script to follow when they decide to cheat...everything is nearly identical in every story.

And the outcome is nearly always the same...hurt on all sides, but especially for the BS because they found that the one person they thought they could count on betrayed them. And even hurt for the AP (you) because once the spouse finds out and the sh!t hits the fan...the AP is usually thrown under the bus and rejected. 

So yes, hurt on all sides. Get out while you can Lastcall. I don't see this ending well for you. Do not sleep with your MM-I can tell he is grooming you for this by calling you and reeling you back in whenever you go NC for a few days.

It will only be a matter of time.

Run, don't walk, away!!!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

No bashing here. Two things: First, and foremost, you do NOT want to be involved with someone who is going through a divorce. You will become the "shoulder" person (support) and that will fundamentally and forever change the nature of the relationship. It is not what you want--real relationships do not begin with such unevenness. 

Second, you have the problem of being "the woman he cheated with." This already defines your relationship, and during and after he divorces (if he does), he should be doing some hard mental work that will likely lead to changes in him which may make the two of you incompatible. You appealed to him when he was unhappily married and he appealed to you, but there is no guarantee that will remain once he's gone through a divorce.

Others have also pointed out that he has a cheating nature--he can get past this if he examines his own behavior, but if you welcome him with open arms, he'll have no reason to do that hard work, and he WILL cheat on you.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Also, "shoulders" tend to be "rebounds" and we all know what generally happens to rebounds.

Don't you want a man who has the integrity to finish outstanding business before moving on? What right does he have to put you and his wife through this? How exactly weak is he? VERY.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

If you have any class at all, you will bow out gracefully and let him get his act together; he either stays with her, or divorces and THEN starts a relationship with you. Don't hold your breathe though. I'm betting you are not the first person he has met online, nor will you be the last. 
And don't buy into the crap he is selling you about his wife, his life etc. It's all part of the game he is playing, with you and with her.


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

What we shall receive when we practice to deceive

Nothing is off limits when it comes to love

Especially when you find that man that fits like a glove

Seldom do we think before we make a leap

Somewhat like bo-peep when she lost her sheep

What will you gain, what will she loose

She is just a pawn caught up in your ruse

Be careful what you wish for

Be careful what you want

Something's lurking in your future

A divorce, A cheat, a family torn by you, the husband poacher

Hardly anything tastes as good as shawarma

But it happens to rhyme with the big daddy Karma

Living life in the wrong

Will lead you where you don't belong.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Hi there honey. I think the other posters have made some excellent point, and I hope that the situation has resolved itself as best it can. I know it can't be easy for anyone involved, but I do wonder that if he ended up divorced and came to you, would you be concerned that he might do the same thing to you that he did to her?? No bashing from me at all, that would be my one and only concern for you, if you risk it and end up being branded as the "other woman" is he going to turn around and go find another "other woman" once he has you?? Only you can answer that, but best of luck to you!


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## elledj (Oct 1, 2009)

*Not sure what to do*

My husband and I have been married for 20 years. For the last year we have not been getting along what so ever. Any time we fight I get told he is tired of me and threatens to leave. Last week he told me that he hates his weekends now. Anytime we fight I get told that I am always against him. I feel I can not have an opinion of my own and definitely can not talk to him about my emotions. With the constant threat of I am leaving you I am really starting to put up walls between him and I. Sometimes I feel that it is time to let him go. Deep down inside I do not feel happy but I can not talk to him about it. Otherwise it becomes a horrible argument. Sitting here confused on what to do and a little afraid. I am starting to feel like it is a control issue on his part. (I feel and agree with him or else.)


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