# Dating post divorce



## mishu143

Hi all, 

My life is finally getting to more stable ground. Divorce is not final yet but will be soon. I began seeing someone about a month ago. going on two months soon. My question is kinda silly I think, but I have to ask because I have no clue what to expect. I was married at 18 and had 2 kids with a loser who cheated on me and manipulated me into believing he was right even when my gut screamed he was wrong. I was isolated and alone to say the least. Anyway, my new "friend" and I have been getting very cozy and we share very intimate conversations and have a great time together when we see each other. We spoke almost everyday, and I was taking it slow, just having fun with it. I am not trying to bring men around my kids at all, so this is all for me at the moment. 

Well, lately I feel like I am the one trying to connect with him. I call, I text and don't get replies. When I confronted him about it, he got a bit defensive and said he wasn't gonna deal with this crap. Ok fine I got it. I didn't think I was being clingy being I only called in the same manner we had been speaking. But I guess since I copped an attitude he gave it back to me. Anyway we didn't speak that day and later that night he showed up at my door and we spoke clearly about it. Basically, he told me he likes me and it should be obvious since he is with me every chance he gets. OK he got points for that. But then I made my point and said well I knew you were away for work and then I didn't hear from you when I knew you would be back and you didn't reply to my messages or anything. At least a simple I am busy would suffice. He said he got my side too after he got pissy. In the end the story was he left his phone behind and had to retrieve it from his buddy when he got back home. SO basically what I got out of this conversation is that he is digging me but is taking it super slow. There is no one else he promised, and he eventually would love for us to be an item but he is treading water because we are getting to know each other. Fine I got that. I agree. We have to take it slow. My question is, does that mean we go days without speaking to one another? Is that a normal part of dating and taking it slow, or am I possibly getting played? 

I must mention he is very reserved and serious so I could totally see him taking things slow like he is doing it. But I am so used to people calling me and blowing up my phone that his lack of attention makes me think he isn't that into me. 

Is it me? Am I just thinking too much into it? I don't want to scare him off as it is obvious from our conversations he is extremely picky about his women, he has told me plenty of stories of the people he has dated, and although we are doing great, I don't want to come off as clingy when really I am just used to the idea that when a man wants you he will pursue you like a dog. Am I wrong to think that and if so please guide me. I really like him, but I also have my life, and my kids, and school, and work, and family, and and and, but he is always on my mind and it bothers me. I wish it didn't but it does. The last time I saw him was this past wed (spent the entire day bumming it at home together), we spoke later that night to say good night and he said he would call me thurs. Half way into my day I sent him a kissy face via text, no reply, I called him later at night and left a vm. Still no call or reply. So guess what, I haven't contacted him at all. I figure he needs time apart and he needs to miss me a bit. Im not sure about what the hell I am doing or if I am going about it the right way. HELP!!


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## EleGirl

Here's video that explains what's going on with him and how to handle it.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=669II2eDQMg&feature=youtu.be


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## Revamped

It's a little bit you and a whole lot of him.

He basically ignored your texts and vm. Maybe he doesn't want that kind of daily contact. But it sure woulda been nice to know instead of being blown off.

I think you're doing the right thing by backing off. There's a lot of definitions of taking it slow. You need to find out what he expects and align that with your needs. Maybe he's just not your type.


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## mishu143

EleGirl said:


> Here's video that explains what's going on with him and how to handle it.
> 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=669II2eDQMg&feature=youtu.be


Thanks for the video. It was a great tool to remind me of the things I already knew but have forgotten. LOL. We forget to take care of ourselves.


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## mishu143

Revamped said:


> It's a little bit you and a whole lot of him.
> 
> He basically ignored your texts and vm. Maybe he doesn't want that kind of daily contact. But it sure woulda been nice to know instead of being blown off.
> 
> I think you're doing the right thing by backing off. There's a lot of definitions of taking it slow. You need to find out what he expects and align that with your needs. Maybe he's just not your type.


I know what your saying. Thank you!! I needed the reinforcement. Sometimes I doubt my gut, but I am going strong. No contact since that last call I made on Thursday night. And haven't spoken to him since wed. So yea, the ball is in his court. Let's see what happens.


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## Wolf1974

It's always hard to answer these threads becuase we don't have the benefit of knowing the other person.

Some people really do like to take things slow. I'm one of them. If I see a lot of potential in a woman I really try to slow things down to avoid getting over involved too quickly and getting disappointed or hurt.

I'm big on communication and love to text and communication daily. But some aren't. My Gf is like this and it was a definite learning curve for me. She rarely texts, hates talking on the phone but can talk all day long when we are together. I did originally take her lack of phone conversation and texting as lack of interest. To me she was saying she was interested but wasn't backing that up. I finally just accepted her as she was and since we live together now we talk all the time.

To some degree you follow your instinct. The other part is moving slow to look at things that would be deal breakers no matter what they may be. 

The easiest way I have found to date is to know yourself really well. Know what you are ok with and what you can't tolerate and be honest about those things. Once you have them down its easier to navigate the confusion of the dating world. 

Good luck op


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## EleGirl

mishu143 said:


> Thanks for the video. It was a great tool to remind me of the things I already knew but have forgotten. LOL. We forget to take care of ourselves.


Yep we often do.

My suggestion, like it says in the video. If he pulls back just go on living your life and taking care of yourself.

If he's interested, he'll contact you. And if he's lucky, you will still be available and interested.


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## mishu143

Wolf1974 said:


> It's always hard to answer these threads becuase we don't have the benefit of knowing the other person.
> 
> Some people really do like to take things slow. I'm one of them. If I see a lot of potential in a woman I really try to slow things down to avoid getting over involved too quickly and getting disappointed or hurt.
> 
> I'm big on communication and love to text and communication daily. But some aren't. My Gf is like this and it was a definite learning curve for me. She rarely texts, hates talking on the phone but can talk all day long when we are together. I did originally take her lack of phone conversation and texting as lack of interest. To me she was saying she was interested but wasn't backing that up. I finally just accepted her as she was and since we live together now we talk all the time.
> 
> To some degree you follow your instinct. The other part is moving slow to look at things that would be deal breakers no matter what they may be.
> 
> The easiest way I have found to date is to know yourself really well. Know what you are ok with and what you can't tolerate and be honest about those things. Once you have them down its easier to navigate the confusion of the dating world.
> 
> Good luck op


Thank you!! I hope this is the case because it seems like when we are together we spark. Honestly, its like magic. We talk and dance and sing and laugh. We can hang out and just have fun together. And I love the fact he isn't a possessive ass and he does have his own interest he pursues with passion. There is so much to him I am enjoying and when we are together it feels so good. But then this happens, where I don't hear from him. This is the second time, and from what I gathered in our conversation from the last time he did this, he was just taking it easy and really wanted to take it slow (which I get because obviously I have kids to look out for, not just for myself, I wont introduce any man to my kids until we have been committed and solid at least 12 months - my rule). I'm learning from scratch and I really don't want to scare him away. He reminds me of your GF description. So yea I'm respecting his space, especially since that was a point he made. 

I think my worry comes from the fact that my ex was such a lying douche I am hoping this isn't the same thing. I don't know how to explain my feelings, but its fear of not being the only one on his mind.


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## Wolf1974

mishu143 said:


> Thank you!! I hope this is the case because it seems like when we are together we spark. Honestly, its like magic. We talk and dance and sing and laugh. We can hang out and just have fun together. And I love the fact he isn't a possessive ass and he does have his own interest he pursues with passion. There is so much to him I am enjoying and when we are together it feels so good. But then this happens, where I don't hear from him. This is the second time, and from what I gathered in our conversation from the last time he did this, he was just taking it easy and really wanted to take it slow (which I get because obviously I have kids to look out for, not just for myself, I wont introduce any man to my kids until we have been committed and solid at least 12 months - my rule). I'm learning from scratch and I really don't want to scare him away. He reminds me of your GF description. So yea I'm respecting his space, especially since that was a point he made.
> 
> I think my worry comes from the fact that my ex was such a lying douche I am hoping this isn't the same thing. I don't know how to explain my feelings, but its fear of not being the only one on his mind.


Well and right here you have identified the issue we all struggle with. My x was a cheating ****. But what good would it be to assume all women are that way. They aren't. When I feel that creep up and some jealousy come out I remind myself she, my gf, isn't her, my x wife.

I don't know if it helps but just know you are not alone with those feelings. Many of us struggle to leave that past where it is. Hard to give the benefit of the doubt


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## mishu143

EleGirl said:


> Yep we often do.
> 
> My suggestion, like it says in the video. If he pulls back just go on living your life and taking care of yourself.
> 
> If he's interested, he'll contact you. And if he's lucky, you will still be available and interested.


I like how you worded that. If he's lucky I will be available. I really wish guys would see it that way. I do not want to toot my own horn but I am a pretty good catch. I am loyal, pretty, and nice. 

Can you believe a friend of mines brother told me I am too nice and I have to be a *****... Nope not for me. I am only rude or b*tchy when needed. 

Whatever I followed the idiot's advice and all I got back was an attitude in return. Not worth losing who I am to impress anyone. I am with you guys on this. I am giving him his space. He knows I am sans kids tomorrow so if he shows up then I guess I just have to go with it and see where this goes. If not then whatever Ill take it for what it is...a relationship that went nowhere. I am preparing for the worst but hoping for the best with this one. This dating stuff sucks. I am really a relationship person and I deserve the best. :-D Just saying. hehe


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## 3Xnocharm

mishu143 said:


> t.
> 
> Well, lately I feel like I am the one trying to connect with him. I call, I text and don't get replies.* When I confronted him about it, he got a bit defensive and said he wasn't gonna deal with this crap*. Ok fine I got it.


THIS line that I bolded? That should be enough to make you say "NEXT!" You JUST got out of a relationship with a jerk, and this man saying this shows that he is one as well. I suggest you dump and run.


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## mishu143

3Xnocharm said:


> THIS line that I bolded? That should be enough to make you say "NEXT!" You JUST got out of a relationship with a jerk, and this man saying this shows that he is one as well. I suggest you dump and run.


Thanks 3X's I appreciate your input and I felt the exact same way when it happened. Honestly, when I least expected it, he showed up at my door and the first thing that came out of his mouth was I am sorry. We talked like I said and cleared the air. He is like me in the sense that we wont tolerate jealousy or possessiveness. I did not mean to come off needy or possessive at all so again we cleared the air and talked which as we all know is important to do in any relationship. 

I keep forgetting how short the time has been since we met, so I figure he is probably scared of going to fast as am I but more for my kids than for me. If I didn't have kids, I would be in big trouble because I am a hopeless romantic and I believe in love. Of course respect is number one on my list and this is what has me so attracted to this man. But again I am not used to this not talking for days thing. But I was married to someone who called me 45 times a day or texted me 100 x's a day. So, it could just be me. Whatever, I am doing it like ya'll suggested. One day at a time. I am living my life. If I meet someone else tomorrow than his loss. I am a catch and I know it now. I have my neg like everyone else on this planet, but overall I know my heart is good and that is what gets me into trouble with the wrong people. I trust and give the benefit of the doubt because I want to believe that not everyone sucks, but when they show me they do it very easy for me to say goodbye. I will never let anyone drag me down for as long as I did my ex. I only stayed as long as I did believing I was doing the right thing for my kids. So they wouldn't grow up I a broken home. Lesson learned. NEVER AGAIN!! I KNOW WHAT I WANT and I KNOW WHAT I DESERVE.


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## mishu143

going on day 5! Now I know I am just going to move on and forget about it all. Whatever. That's all I have to say about this. I'm DONE! AS ELLE GIRL SAID IF HE IS LUCKY ILL BE SINGLE WHEN HE DECIDES he is ready.


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## EnjoliWoman

Who leaves their phone with a buddy while away on work? Noone. The only reason anyone I know leaves their phone behind is when they are out of the country and don't have an international calling plan.

To me this doesn't say 'taking it slow', it says he's just not that into you and when you pressed him he got even more defensive and distanced himself even more. This sounds more like a case of 'he's just not that into you'. He can like you and enjoy your company but not view you as a long term partner. 

Just keep on with your life. Don't change it for anyone else until they earn it.


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## Hardtohandle

EnjoliWoman said:


> Who leaves their phone with a buddy while away on work? Noone. The only reason anyone I know leaves their phone behind is when they are out of the country and don't have an international calling plan.


When I read this in her post I felt the same way.. Sorry in this day and age I have no clue of anyone who leaves their phone home.. Single or not..

Like wolf said as well, I don't know this guy. But I just feel he does have someone else or might be considering someone else.. I don't know I'm just not feeling it from what you typed..

Again I know not every emotion or idea can be conveyed in a thread so sometimes stuff gets lost in translation or misconstrued. I have done that several times when posting about my GF or issues with my GF.. 

I'm just over all leery about this guy.


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## mishu143

Hardtohandle said:


> When I read this in her post I felt the same way.. Sorry in this day and age I have no clue of anyone who leaves their phone home.. Single or not..
> 
> Like wolf said as well, I don't know this guy. But I just feel he does have someone else or might be considering someone else.. I don't know I'm just not feeling it from what you typed..
> 
> Again I know not every emotion or idea can be conveyed in a thread so sometimes stuff gets lost in translation or misconstrued. I have done that several times when posting about my GF or issues with my GF..
> 
> I'm just over all leery about this guy.


I agree. I just don't think he wants me so I am done. I will not subject myself to that kind of treatment. If he is guarded and decided to remain that way then that is HIS issue not mine. I'm just not in the mood for games or this kind of behavior. To me it is very simple, Just say hey I'm not into this or your just a booty call or whatever. Just be honest. I will say I bought his story (but without saying too much about what he was doing) because my brother is in the same industry and backed up the story this guy was saying as plausible. so whatever. But this time there is no excuse. Sorry, we went from daily speaking to this junk. I'm over it. I was just reaching into my little bag of hope. So im done. Hope is gone. Totally his issue.


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## bravenewworld

I am also a "take things slow" kind of person and don't like to be in daily communication outside of a serious, monogamous relationship. 

That said, if I was super into someone I would try to accommodate them a bit in regards to communication rather than getting defensive and shutting down. If I was on the fence and didn't see any LTR potential I would probably view the person as needy and cut the cord. 

I was in a similar headspace as you are in regards to dating - getting close very quickly to whatever new hot thang was in the picture rather than being a bit more slow and selective. Pretty common after a bad relationship and divorce. 

Still haven't had an LTR yet post D (1 year and 6 months out) but am actually very happy with my decision. I've seen SO many friends jump into poor relationships that stressed them out just to have a warm body in the bed. Date, enjoy yourself, get to know people, and have fun! Never settle! Expect to get hurt occasionally but the genuine, exciting, and affectionate moments make up for it.

Seriously, it's such a good feeling to be dating someone because you "want" do and not because you "need" to. Control over your life and destiny feels awesome!!!!!


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## mishu143

bravenewworld said:


> I am also a "take things slow" kind of person and don't like to be in daily communication outside of a serious, monogamous relationship.
> 
> That said, if I was super into someone I would try to accommodate them a bit in regards to communication rather than getting defensive and shutting down. If I was on the fence and didn't see any LTR potential I would probably view the person as needy and cut the cord.
> 
> I was in a similar headspace as you are in regards to dating - getting close very quickly to whatever new hot thang was in the picture rather than being a bit more slow and selective. Pretty common after a bad relationship and divorce.
> 
> Still haven't had an LTR yet post D (1 year and 6 months out) but am actually very happy with my decision. I've seen SO many friends jump into poor relationships that stressed them out just to have a warm body in the bed. Date, enjoy yourself, get to know people, and have fun! Never settle! Expect to get hurt occasionally but the genuine, exciting, and affectionate moments make up for it.
> 
> Seriously, it's such a good feeling to be dating someone because you "want" do and not because you "need" to. Control over your life and destiny feels awesome!!!!!


I am in that place of wanting to date vs. needing it. I am ready for something new. I just don't know what to do with it all. This last person is still lost and I have deleted all their info just to avoid the temptation. I just feel he needs his space and I am not what he wants. I am cool with that. I just hate the ignoring part. Just say it; is all I can think of before I get to that place where I finally realize it isn't me its him. Because it really is... lol...I'm good now. Lesson learned. On to the next one...


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## bravenewworld

mishu143 said:


> Hi all,
> 
> My life is finally getting to more stable ground. *Divorce is not final yet but will be soon. I began seeing someone about a month ago. going on two months soon.* My question is kinda silly I think, but I have to ask because I have no clue what to expect. *I was married at 18 and had 2 kids with a loser who cheated on me and manipulated me into believing he was right even when my gut screamed he was wrong. I was isolated and alone to say the least.* Anyway, my new "friend" and I have been getting very cozy and we share very intimate conversations and have a great time together when we see each other. We spoke almost everyday, and I was taking it slow, just having fun with it. I am not trying to bring men around my kids at all, so this is all for me at the moment.
> 
> Well, lately I feel like I am the one trying to connect with him.* I call, I text and don't get replies. *When I confronted him about it, he got a bit defensive and said he wasn't gonna deal with this crap. Ok fine I got it. I didn't think I was being clingy being I only called in the same manner we had been speaking.
> 
> Is it me? Am I just thinking too much into it? I don't want to scare him off as it is obvious from our conversations he is extremely picky about his women, he has told me plenty of stories of the people he has dated, and although we are doing great, I don't want to come off as clingy when really I am just used to the idea that when a man wants you he will pursue you like a dog. Am I wrong to think that and if so please guide me. I really like him, but I also have my life, and my kids, and school, and work, and family, and and and, but *he is always on my mind and it bothers me. I wish it didn't but it does. The last time I saw him was this past wed (spent the entire day bumming it at home together), we spoke later that night to say good night and he said he would call me thurs. Half way into my day I sent him a kissy face via text, no reply, I called him later at night and left a vm. Still no call or reply.* So guess what, I haven't contacted him at all. I figure he needs time apart and he needs to miss me a bit. Im not sure about what the hell I am doing or if I am going about it the right way. HELP!!


Just wanted to bold where I saw some red flags - the above sounds a bit intense for knowing someone around one month. Not saying you shouldn't date - just saying to be mindful about what your actions are saying. 

Speaking from experience, sometimes I think I'm acting one way - but my actions are doing something completely different.

You've been through a lot. Make sure you are taking time to heal and not numbing your emotions by focusing on another person.


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## mishu143

bravenewworld said:


> Just wanted to bold where I saw some red flags - the above sounds a bit intense for knowing someone around one month. Not saying you shouldn't date - just saying to be mindful about what your actions are saying.
> 
> Speaking from experience, sometimes I think I'm acting one way - but my actions are doing something completely different.
> 
> You've been through a lot. Make sure you are taking time to heal and not numbing your emotions by focusing on another person.


Good point and agreed but I am sure I want to and don't need to. What happened here is that I wear my heart on my sleeve and gave it to the wrong person again. I got played! Simply put. Maybe he really needs time apart to gather his feelings, I don't know but the fact is we went from speaking everyday, to radio silence. Not a good sign to me at least. 

Now I find myself wondering if I should even enjoy this biking event I want to do because he introduced me to it and I am afraid he may be there. It is hundreds if not thousands of ppl that do this, and I already planned to go to this next one a long time ago. My cousin says I should go and enjoy myself. If I see him just pretend I didn't and keep on riding. Which is what I would obviously do, I just don't want him thinking I am there for him when I am really only there to ride then pack myself up to go home. ugggh smh this is now the double slap of the day....lol


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## mishu143

bravenewworld said:


> Just wanted to bold where I saw some red flags - the above sounds a bit intense for knowing someone around one month. Not saying you shouldn't date - just saying to be mindful about what your actions are saying.
> 
> Speaking from experience, sometimes I think I'm acting one way - but my actions are doing something completely different.
> 
> You've been through a lot. Make sure you are taking time to heal and not numbing your emotions by focusing on another person.


Maybe there is some truth to that... but still wouldn't account for why we went from talking daily to radio silence. Whatever I really am just trying to move past it. Lesson learned. I got attached to quickly. 

I have a bike ride I want to go on Friday. And I am afraid he may be there. I hope he isn't because the last thing I need is for him to think I am stalking him. Seriously, its a ride with hundreds if not thousands of ppl so I may not even see him, and I shouldn't have to give up my plans cuz he is a douche. Right?


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## mrstj4sho88

You need to work on you and your kids now. You should be thinking about you and the kids . A relationship is the last thing you need because you are still legally married. You get your life together and a man will come later. Don't forget your kids are watching every move you make today.


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## mrstj4sho88

mishu143 said:


> going on day 5! Now I know I am just going to move on and forget about it all. Whatever. That's all I have to say about this. I'm DONE! AS ELLE GIRL SAID IF HE IS LUCKY ILL BE SINGLE WHEN HE DECIDES he is ready.


You should not call him anymore .


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## mishu143

mrstj4sho88 said:


> You should not call him anymore .


I haven't since the last time we saw each other. I am proud to say! So I know I'm not smothering him because I didn't even bother. And yes kids know everything. That is why dates only happened when they were away with their dad.


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## EleGirl

Yep, sounds like it's time for you to get busy with your life.


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## mishu143

EleGirl said:


> Yep, sounds like it's time for you to get busy with your life.


:rofl:what gave you that impression? j/k. Yep. I have my bike ready and my head out of my a*s. I am hurt but oh well, life moves on, so will I. 

Thank you all for the advice. I do appreciate it.


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## mishu143

So, I did the ride last night. I actually found one in my area so I avoided the weird "if I see him" issue. So much fun and I am glad I went. Met a great group of people and we are actually meeting up again today. 

So true what people say, the only way to meet people is to get out there, even if you are doing it alone, whatever. Just do it!! I am so happy I did. I was shy and nervous but eventually I tagged along with these folks and it was a hell of a ride. Loving my new hobby even though an ass introduced me to it. Well that's the positive I can take from that experience right?? I think so. 

Thank you all again for scooping me outta my fog!:smthumbup:


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## Fenix

mishu143 said:


> So, I did the ride last night. I actually found one in my area so I avoided the weird "if I see him" issue. So much fun and I am glad I went. Met a great group of people and we are actually meeting up again today.
> 
> So true what people say, the only way to meet people is to get out there, even if you are doing it alone, whatever. Just do it!! I am so happy I did. I was shy and nervous but eventually I tagged along with these folks and it was a hell of a ride. Loving my new hobby even though an ass introduced me to it. Well that's the positive I can take from that experience right?? I think so.
> 
> Thank you all again for scooping me outta my fog!:smthumbup:


I like this post. 

I also liked a lot of what Wolf had to say although not in the the context of your guy. I did want to add a few things though.

First, stop talking about scaring a guy off. That is silly talk. Be yourself. If the guy sticks around, he sticks around. Talking about scaring him off is twisting yourself into being something you are not. You probably did that enough in your marriage so don't do it now.

Second, if you run into him at an event, who cares? You were not in a relationship with him (regardless what you think). Do not ignore him, that is immature. Be cordial and cool and do your thing. Like you said, these events are a great way to increase your social circle with both genders.

Finally, if you are comfortable with your boundaries and strive to be yourself, a lot of your angst re dating will fall away (like W said). Be true to yourself.

As far as dating goes, go for it. Have fun. Don't feel like you have to focus 100% on your kids, because that is unhealthy. They need to see a mother who has an active, engaging, full life. That does not mean they need to see you bedhopping (obviously). I like your rule of not bringing anyone home for a good long time, but that doesn't mean you can't have fun.


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## Observer

OK Mishu, you are back on the dating scene, keep in mind there are many men and your goal should be to find the RIGHT one. Ask yourself, does this person have all the QUALITIES I seek? Not "he is hot"...although being attracted to the person is important...but qualities. You know, does meet all your emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and physical needs? Do you have things in common where you genuinely enjoy each others company? This guy does not sound like he met that criteria thus you should not want him...screw what he wants. Date, have fun! You'll know and the other person will know right away and it will be mutual...which it has to be. Use the lessons learned from the failed relationship to help you too.

Good luck!


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## mishu143

Fenix said:


> I like this post.
> 
> I also liked a lot of what Wolf had to say although not in the the context of your guy. I did want to add a few things though.
> 
> First, stop talking about scaring a guy off. That is silly talk. Be yourself. If the guy sticks around, he sticks around. Talking about scaring him off is twisting yourself into being something you are not. You probably did that enough in your marriage so don't do it now.
> 
> Second, if you run into him at an event, who cares? You were not in a relationship with him (regardless what you think). Do not ignore him, that is immature. Be cordial and cool and do your thing. Like you said, these events are a great way to increase your social circle with both genders.
> 
> Finally, if you are comfortable with your boundaries and strive to be yourself, a lot of your angst re dating will fall away (like W said). Be true to yourself.
> 
> As far as dating goes, go for it. Have fun. Don't feel like you have to focus 100% on your kids, because that is unhealthy. They need to see a mother who has an active, engaging, full life. That does not mean they need to see you bedhopping (obviously). I like your rule of not bringing anyone home for a good long time, but that doesn't mean you can't have fun.


Thank you SO MUCH!! I MEAN IT!! it is nice to see someone say positive things to me and remind me of how I have to value myself and not bend over backwards to make other people happy. I keep forgetting that part. :scratchhead: I agree with your entire post especially the part where you mention the angst falling away on its own. I see it now clearly. He was the first person I "dated" and yes I agree with what you said about how to approach it if I saw him, I just got wound up and nervous about it all. 

I met a few cool ppl at the event last week, but I am still trying to navigate friendship and dating. So I met this one fella who was so nice and hosted me and what not, and he is cute, and seems nice, but for some reason it isn't clicking for me. HE took me out to a tailgate where I met all his friends and ppl from the bike club so that was nice 'cause its was like I was being initiated into the club... LOL... although that wasn't the case. On sunday he took me to lunch and a movie too. SO clearly there is interest on his end, but mine is waning and leaning more towards friends. And to be honest, I think its because he reminds me so much of my ex, physically, lol, that I get afraid he may be the very same guy inside. LOL...:rofl:

Anyways, I do have to learn to navigate this and decide how to let someone down gently, and pursue those who are worth the pursuit. But I also just wanted to genuinely thank you for the advice and not any criticism. Im trying to figure it out as best as I can.


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## mishu143

Observer said:


> OK Mishu, you are back on the dating scene, keep in mind there are many men and your goal should be to find the RIGHT one. Ask yourself, does this person have all the QUALITIES I seek? Not "he is hot"...although being attracted to the person is important...but qualities. You know, does meet all your emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and physical needs? Do you have things in common where you genuinely enjoy each others company? This guy does not sound like he met that criteria thus you should not want him...screw what he wants. Date, have fun! You'll know and the other person will know right away and it will be mutual...which it has to be. Use the lessons learned from the failed relationship to help you too.
> 
> Good luck!


Thank you also!! Encouragement is great and appreciated. My standards are so much higher than before, and I will not allow myself to settle this time!! I want all that you mentioned in your post!! ALL OF IT!! I want to marry my best friend the next time around. I want to marry that man who truly will be there till the end. I am feeling braver by the day. THANKS!!


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## mishu143

Mediation went great! I lost a lot, but I gained so much in peace knowing this non sense is done!! Hopefully we will finalize this all in January!!


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## Fenix

mishu143 said:


> Thank you SO MUCH!! I MEAN IT!! it is nice to see someone say positive things to me and remind me of how I have to value myself and not bend over backwards to make other people happy. I keep forgetting that part. :scratchhead: I agree with your entire post especially the part where you mention the angst falling away on its own. I see it now clearly. He was the first person I "dated" and yes I agree with what you said about how to approach it if I saw him, I just got wound up and nervous about it all.
> 
> I met a few cool ppl at the event last week, but I am still trying to navigate friendship and dating. So I met this one fella who was so nice and hosted me and what not, and he is cute, and seems nice, but for some reason it isn't clicking for me. HE took me out to a tailgate where I met all his friends and ppl from the bike club so that was nice 'cause its was like I was being initiated into the club... LOL... although that wasn't the case. On sunday he took me to lunch and a movie too. SO clearly there is interest on his end, but mine is waning and leaning more towards friends. And to be honest, I think its because he reminds me so much of my ex, physically, lol, that I get afraid he may be the very same guy inside. LOL...:rofl:
> 
> Anyways, I do have to learn to navigate this and decide how to let someone down gently, and pursue those who are worth the pursuit. But I also just wanted to genuinely thank you for the advice and not any criticism. Im trying to figure it out as best as I can.


He sounds like he could be a nice friend, and he was kind to introduce you to the group. 

Just be honest and straightforward with him. ie You really enjoy his company but at this point, you are not ready to jump into anything.


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## mishu143

Fenix said:


> He sounds like he could be a nice friend, and he was kind to introduce you to the group.
> 
> Just be honest and straightforward with him. ie You really enjoy his company but at this point, you are not ready to jump into anything.


Thanks!! I will try that the next time he and I see each other.


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## mishu143

I still think about houdini... The guy that disappeared into neverland. When will he finally leave my thoughts. Ugggh


----------



## Revamped

When you find someone who makes your heart swoon...


----------



## mishu143

So, I reconnected with my best friend from high school. We will call him "Chris" He and I went to school together since we were 13 and I lost contact with him when I married. I reconnected with him the first time my ex and I separated and he was great, until I ditched him to work things out with my ex. This was of course part of the terms my idiot ex threw at me although he cheated on ME, and I agreed to those terms like a turd thinking I was saving my family. 

So this time around I waited 10 months, before I reached out to my friend again. He said he got it and understands what I was trying to do, and he is happy I'm around again. He does make jokes about how long I will stick around this time, and I know I hurt him so I joke back I know I am on "probation" until I clear my name and prove myself. We hung out for the first time in YEARS on Monday night and we had a blast. We even went to see another friend that I had a crush on in high school. We will Call him "Mickey" So now I see this dude and we are all hanging out, the three of us having drinks and catching up. And I totally get the hots for him all over again like in high school. LOL it was awful. We work in the same industry so it was nice to talk about it and catch up. He was super nice and kept giving me the eyes. Hmmm... gave me his card and we left it at that. 

That night I figured out I left my phone at the restaurant we were at and I had to drive down to get it. When I get it, Chris and I start speaking as usual. 

He then drops a bomb on me. He has been in love with me since middle school and all thru high school. Ok I said. Then I would joke around with him that he is full of sh*t because he never told me anything and was always with other people. He said he did not have the balls to tell me. On top of that he dated one of our best friends who also grew up with us since middle school. they were together for 2 years. That automatically throws me off because he still talks to her daily although she is married with kids now. But I know it is because Chris was the love of her life and she isn't too happy with her hubby. 

Another thing I had to point out to Chris was that he made it clear to me in our previous conversations that he would never marry out of his religion. He dates ALLLLL kinds of women and has relationships with them, but he knows he wont marry them. So this was also a deal breaker for me to even consider us ruining our friendship because i know I want a future with my next partner. I'm not the date and "f*ck" everything you see kinda girl. I want true love and I want the marriage and the forever life. He knew I was right and even said "you know my situation" referring to his parents. But he is also adamant he wants to raise his kids the way he grew up and that would require a woman who shares his faith. He wouldn't want a converter. He wants to marry (if he ever marries) within his faith and to someone who grew up with it. Ok... yes, his idea is hypocritical and I said so because all he dates are girls who are not even in the same culture he is. He knows all this and we cleared it out. I never thought I would be attracted to him, and sometimes I am afraid because he is very different from what I normally would want to date or even be attracted to but I LOVE THIS MAN! I mean it. I LOVE HIM since I was 13 and would not want to chance ruining my friendship with him by dating and it not working, especially knowing it will never lead to an actual marriage/commitment because of his faith. 

I even asked him why he would bring up his feelings knowing he and I could never go there, and he said I should just ignore him. Bummer couldn't even get an answer, its okay I will pull it out of him this weekend . Well, I am happy we got to clear that up. But you see. This is a man that I can share all my genuine feelings with, who knows all about my childhood and my foolish mistakes, who loved me even when I was away, who forgave me even when I didn't deserve it, was also giving with me (I am serious, poor guy, I owe him so much money because of lunch money in school LOL:rofl and I don't even want to consider him as a future partner because there is no chance of him spending his life with me do to religion. 

It made me sad, because I know if I could feel like that about "Mr. Right" (if I ever find Mr. Right) then I am in heaven and lucky to have found that kind of love. 

My Best friend brought up his feelings, after 2 years of not speaking and 8 years of not being around each other, and although we moved past it and obviously talk all the time, it just made me see what I want in a man. 

I also hate the fact that I keep liking peoples friends!!! Mickey is so cute, and I have always liked him. the day after we all got together I sent him a photo of my business card (I left mine at home the night we were out) and told him that he could save my cell and just call the office if he ever needed anything professionally. He said for sure! and I just laughed. Left it at that. 

It is bugging me that I get so super shy with men I am attracted to and I am myself around those I am not, only to have them falling in love with me. This of course is with the exception of Chris. I always knew I wasn't attracted to him (not because he was not cute, but I just never considered it) and of course it turns out he has been in love with me since high school and we cant even do anything about it. Then we have Mickey, who I do like, and although he was making googly eyes at me, did not make a move. So what gives!!

So this rollercoaster continues. Guys please keep in mind, I use this to share my thoughts and to sorta journal hoping an knowing I will get input. Please don't think I am desperate. I am just sharing my experiences hoping to learn from them.


----------



## EleGirl

So he's a friend and can never be more. 

You need to get out and meet more people.


----------



## Revamped

EleGirl said:


> So he's a friend and can never be more.
> 
> You need to get out and meet more people.


This^ .


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## mishu143

EleGirl said:


> So he's a friend and can never be more.
> 
> You need to get out and meet more people.


Totally agreed. I would never even consider it. I can honestly say I truly love this guy as my friend and would never jeopardize it even if we could. I just don't get why he bothered saying it all. 

Anyways, it all worked out. We talk all the time and I am happy it isn't awkward with him. It like if nothing happened. Even as we were having that conversation we were just so smooth and able to talk about it like if nothing. 

Im with the other posters on here who have said it before. If I could ever find Mr. Right and have that kind of relationship where I can be ME the world would turn into rainbows and butterflies for me... LOL... j/k. but you know what I mean. 

How did you guys deal with this post divorce stuff?


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## bravenewworld

Regarding dealing......Post-D I find myself more focused on my own needs and goals. I did have a 6-8 month period where I dated quite a bit; I was craving physical affection and some kind emotional connection. I enjoyed exploring that aspect of myself, but felt like I needed to redirect my attention to my own life. 

My current feeling is: If I'm meant to meet someone to share my journey with, I'm sure I'll come across them on the way.  

Good for you on going to the bike ride anyway! Sounded like fun. 
All these love declarations from the ghosts of high school past (without any follow through) sound a little childish. Those are boys, not men. Or rather, friends and not lovers. Agree with Ele and Revamp about extending your social circle.


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## mishu143

bravenewworld said:


> Regarding dealing......Post-D I find myself more focused on my own needs and goals. I did have a 6-8 month period where I dated quite a bit; I was craving physical affection and some kind emotional connection. I enjoyed exploring that aspect of myself, but felt like I needed to redirect my attention to my own life.
> 
> My current feeling is: If I'm meant to meet someone to share my journey with, I'm sure I'll come across them on the way.
> 
> Good for you on going to the bike ride anyway! Sounded like fun.
> All these love declarations from the ghosts of high school past (without any follow through) sound a little childish. Those are boys, not men. Or rather, friends and not lovers. Agree with Ele and Revamp about extending your social circle.


Bravenwood, I am with you. You hit the nail on the head. I am going through that stage where I am craving physical affection. Not attention. Attention can begotten from anyone. Affection is different. 

And about my buddy. Yes I agree!!! Totally. Anyways upon reflecting and re-reading my post, the religion part isn't the only thing. I really just don't see him that way.  I love the guy but not like that. Im working on expanding my circle. Its hard but I am getting there. Thing is I connect with males and i really want to start making girlfriends. That seems easier said than done. :scratchhead:


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## bravenewworld

mishu143 said:


> Bravenwood, I am with you. You hit the nail on the head. I am going through that stage where I am craving physical affection. Not attention. Attention can begotten from anyone. Affection is different.
> 
> And about my buddy. Yes I agree!!! Totally. Anyways upon reflecting and re-reading my post, the religion part isn't the only thing. I really just don't see him that way.  I love the guy but not like that. Im working on expanding my circle. Its hard but I am getting there. Thing is I connect with males and i really want to start making girlfriends. That seems easier said than done. :scratchhead:


It's not a bad stage at all. Some people seem to find a new partner right away while going through it, but in my case it was more just about exploring while fulfilling a need. After years of resentment and dysfunction in my marriage, it was nice to find someone to enjoy the simple stuff with - cuddling, hiking, etc. 

None of my rebound situations panned out, and while sometimes it hurt I never found dealing with the fallout paralyzing or anywhere near the trauma of my marriage ending. 

I know when my marriage ended, a certain part of my innocence and belief system was forever lost. However, the hardening of self has begat me more wisdom and resilience than I ever thought possible. For that, I am thankful.


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## mishu143

I saw my "bike" buddy today. It was fun, and I s being vain before. But im glad I wen that way because it is making me take it slow. He cooked for me and it was fantastic. LOL. A man serving me for once. hehe. :-D


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## mishu143

Upon reflection I just wanted to add: I went on a "date" with my bike buddy. And it was great!! I loved every minute of it. Im glad I didn't dismiss him too quickly. THE MAN COOKED FOR ME!!!! GIRLS YOU KNOW WHAT A BIG DEAL THAT IS!! ESPECIALLY FOR HISPANIC WOMEN WHO DONT EVER GET THIS KIND OF TREATMENT or even witness a man in the kitchen EVER!! OMG I swear that is what got his foot in the door to my heart. lol... It was so nice to get a meal cooked and served to me. and he was so smooth in the kitchen, no mess nothing. He is well trained ;-).. so when I was leaving I went to do the typical kiss on the cheek thing and he got me on the lips... I was surprised but I didn't mind it. After all the man did earn some serious brownie points for his patience, and his cooking!!! I swear I would have never thought that would do as much as it did for me. LOL. I think I fell in love :rofl: j/k of course!! but wow. Again I'm glad I didn't dismiss him.


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## Revamped

I'm glad you had a great time!

However...


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## mishu143

However....what?

Be cautious... yes always... after Houdini, I trust no one.. lol... please dish out all the advice! God knows I need it all


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## Revamped

The ink isn't dry on your divorce yet.

But then it was your HS buddy and now bike guy. The problem that I see is...

You need to back off men a bit. You don't know who you will be once that decree is finalized. Find out who YOU are, instead of chasing d!ck. 

I don't want to rain on your parade. But I'd like to see a post or two that said you learned knitting and made 86 scarves that fills a void in your life.

JMHO.

Btw, I learned to install tile (research that, it's harder than it seems) and wood shakes (I enclosed both the back and front porches) to fill time.


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## bravenewworld

Revamped said:


> The ink isn't dry on your divorce yet.
> 
> But then it was your HS buddy and now bike guy. The problem that I see is...
> 
> You need to back off men a bit. You don't know who you will be once that decree is finalized. Find out who YOU are, instead of chasing d!ck.
> 
> I don't want to rain on your parade. But I'd like to see a post or two that said you learned knitting and made 86 scarves that fills a void in your life.
> 
> JMHO.
> 
> Btw, I learned to install tile (research that, it's harder than it seems) and wood shakes (I enclosed both the back and front porches) to fill time.


I get what you are saying - but sometimes it's necessary to fill that physical/emotional need. Doesn't seem like she's taking it too seriously or introducing men to her kids - hence avoiding two major pitfalls. 

Currently I'm in the non-dating camp; doing lots of extra work and marathon training to fill that void. But I did have a few months of screwing around post-d (and no, the ink wasn't dry yet) and I definitely don't regret it. Some hits, some misses, but overall enjoyable. Different strokes for different folks. 

I feel like the big mistake is dating right after or during D and getting seriously involved. Those situations rarely end well.


----------



## mishu143

Revamped said:


> The ink isn't dry on your divorce yet.
> 
> But then it was your HS buddy and now bike guy. The problem that I see is...
> 
> You need to back off men a bit. You don't know who you will be once that decree is finalized. Find out who YOU are, instead of chasing d!ck.
> 
> I don't want to rain on your parade. But I'd like to see a post or two that said you learned knitting and made 86 scarves that fills a void in your life.
> 
> JMHO.
> 
> Btw, I learned to install tile (research that, it's harder than it seems) and wood shakes (I enclosed both the back and front porches) to fill time.


Sorry I made it seem that way but I'm not chasing D*ck. D*ck chases me. and it isn't even d*ck I want. lol. The HS friend is what i said it was, a friend. I was trying to kill him with kindness using the religion thing because I am not attracted to him at all!!! and not just that he is my friend and only that!! The one I was crushing on was our mutual buddy from HS. And again it was just a tiny crush. . Im human if someone is cute I can feel it in my mind. 

Bike guy just happened. I wasn't looking for it. I was going out for a ride all by myself. seriously, all alone with a giant group of stranger (maybe 100+). That is my equivalent to your knitting scarves. I started biking for me and I love it!! That is my hobby now and I find rides to go on as much as I can. 

The ink isn't dry, but its been there for 10 months since we separated and started the process. He cheated, i threw him out, he served me to scare me into taking him back, I did not, and then found out about more of his nasty habits.Not just that, but 2 years of sheer torture after the first time i forgave his misdeeds. He literally drove me to the brink of insanity, you can read my posts from previous threads. LITERALLY!! I waited long enough to get myself out there. I was isolated for 8 years. I mean it. Could not have friends because when I did it was torture to explain myself to my ex about simple things like taking the kids to the park. And this is with FEMALE friends. I was very patient and we will be final in early January. As far as I'm concerned it was his loss. I did all I could to salvage that mess and I could not. When I threw him out only to find out the line of chicks he had on him was when I decided **** waiting for a divorce. I don't have to have sex, nor date or do anything, but I will have fun all by myself and re-learn who I am. 

I am in school full time. Studying Social Work (my calling :smthumbup something I re-started when he left in FEB. I am almost done. Should be done with my bachelors in august. YIPPIE!! I started biking. I started working again after 4 years of being home with my kids, and although I hate my job and get paid very little I am grateful for the little bit I have right now. I'm saving money to re-start my candle making skills from years past. I am trying to do things for me. But I am human and I do deserve to have love the way I want it. 

Again not looking for love, I am just winging it as the time goes. If it happens great and if it doesn't whatever. I have to meet people and get to know all kinds of people to know what I am willing to accept, right? It just happens in the weirdest of ways. The reason I mention houdini's story is because he was the first person I sorta "dated" and we were intimate. i say sorta because it was never something we officiated but we were together every chance we got. Whenever my kids were away he was with me so I thought he was serious, NOT!! he just got his cookies and ran. So yes, it hurt like hell because i gave him a part of myself I said I wouldn't and it bruised my ego a bit. 

Fortunately for me, it was a lesson I learned. I will never make that mistake again. And I HAVE NOT AND WILL NOT BE BRINGING THESE PEOPLE AROUND MY KIDS. THIS is all for me right now. I NEED TIME TO GET TO KNOW ME and KNOW what I am WILLING and not WILLING to allow in my life. And I don't just mean guys, I mean girlfriends too. I am careful about anyone i bring around my kids, and as some of you may know, women can bring their own drama and baggage to your circle. So I want good friends, not just fly by night ppl in my life. I want substance, not quantity in my friends both male and female. Right now, I have nothing in the love department. Im treading lightly, and that is why bike guy is just that for now. He has to prove his worth. Im not gonna look for it like I did before. It is time I get my feelings recognized, instead of me trying to make everyone happy.


----------



## mishu143

bravenewworld said:


> I get what you are saying - but sometimes it's necessary to fill that physical/emotional need. Doesn't seem like she's taking it too seriously or introducing men to her kids - hence avoiding two major pitfalls.
> 
> Currently I'm in the non-dating camp; doing lots of extra work and marathon training to fill that void. But I did have a few months of screwing around post-d (and no, the ink wasn't dry yet) and I definitely don't regret it. Some hits, some misses, but overall enjoyable. Different strokes for different folks.
> 
> I feel like the big mistake is dating right after or during D and getting seriously involved. Those situations rarely end well.


Braveneworld, you get it... lol that all this is now. Im just re-learning it all. I'm doing it for me. Not looking to get married tomorrow, just enjoying my free time. I give it to my EX he at least is taking are of our kids and doing his part, which gives me plenty of time to look at the wall. LOL. but like I mentioned before, I am doing as so many have suggested. Putting myself out there and finding things I like. 

I did the biking alone. And i happened to meet bike guy. I honestly didn't think anything of it, until we went to the movies that I was like okay he is paying for everything so maybe this is a "date" I dunno, but we ended that innocently, no kissing, just a kiss on the cheek which we all do down here where I am from. 

The first kiss was this last sunday he cooked for me. And no!! WE did not get intimate!! LOL Im serious, houdini was my life lesson LMAO. poor men will all suffer due to my mistake with that one. :rofl:

THIS IS ALL ME BABY!! TIME TO ROCK AND ROLL!! THANKS FOR GETTING IT!! :lol:


----------



## mishu143

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

I have to laugh. Bike guy is the sweetest ever. He even dumped me in a nice way lol... Well dump is too strong of a word, but in his text "you are a cool chickie, but you have two kids, and i don't want to stress you out with a relationship when you have two kids to raise, I am not sure what I want right now, but I do dig u. I just don't want you to hate me down the road. I would still love to bike with you and for you to come to our group ride. Do you hate me?"

I said no. I don't and I appreciate the honesty. The end. 

If I don't laugh I cry. So laughing it is!!


----------



## TooNice

Mishu, 
I am happy to know that you are riding and in school!! I've thought about you and wondered how you were doing!

I've been dating some, too... And I LOVE what BNW says:



bravenewworld said:


> Regarding dealing......Post-D I find myself more focused on my own needs and goals. I did have a 6-8 month period where I dated quite a bit; I was craving physical affection and some kind emotional connection. I enjoyed exploring that aspect of myself, but felt like I needed to redirect my attention to my own life.
> 
> My current feeling is: If I'm meant to meet someone to share my journey with, I'm sure I'll come across them on the way.


I'm exploring. I was with the same man for 21 years. I am not the same person I was before him, and don't even know everything I am looking for. But I will know it when I find it. And I may make some friends along the way. I don't believe anyone comes into our life by accident. We are meant to get something from -or give something to - every relationship. 

And I'm taking some time to learn some things about me as I go. No rushing, no drama. Just figuring out what I like. (For instance, I learned that I totally dig bald men. Who knew?) 

Anyway, hope you are well, dear. Smooches.


----------



## PAgirl

EleGirl said:


> Here's video that explains what's going on with him and how to handle it.
> 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=669II2eDQMg&feature=youtu.be


I REALLY enjoyed this video!! Thanks! She is entertaining to watch and really makes great points!


----------



## mishu143

TooNice said:


> Mishu,
> I am happy to know that you are riding and in school!! I've thought about you and wondered how you were doing!
> 
> I've been dating some, too... And I LOVE what BNW says:
> 
> 
> 
> I'm exploring. I was with the same man for 21 years. I am not the same person I was before him, and don't even know everything I am looking for. But I will know it when I find it. And I may make some friends along the way. I don't believe anyone comes into our life by accident. We are meant to get something from -or give something to - every relationship.
> 
> And I'm taking some time to learn some things about me as I go. No rushing, no drama. Just figuring out what I like. (For instance, I learned that I totally dig bald men. Who knew?)
> 
> Anyway, hope you are well, dear. Smooches.


I am so glad things are getting better for you. I am with you on this, we are not the same ppl. We must acknowledge and allow ourselves that much peace. I am also discovering who I am again and loving every moment of it, even the ones that make me feel crummy, because in the end, we learn from it. PM me!


----------



## mishu143

SO the divorce is finally done!! five months now....not sure if I posted that update anywhere. Dating has been really educational... Not even looking anymore. My life has way too many bumps right now for me to bring another heart into it. But it is moments like the ones I had this week, where I remember why I am feeling so blue... I am lonely. I am okay being alone. I take myself out and do everything on my own. But I am extremely lonely, and then I get mad because I start remembering this hurt I have is because I feel like my EX took away my stability. Sure it wasn't the best marriage, he was an assh*le and I did not do a better job of catching it and fixing the issues, but he was there. I always had someone there. I always had someone to love. I always had someone to be with me. Around me. NO MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY KIDS IS NOT THE SAME SO PLEASE DONT EVEN MENTION THEM. 

I am having a huge life altering surgery (very long recovery) and I am nervous for the first time in my life about it. The surgery is not the scary part. The scary part is that I am alone with 2 kids (small and young at that) and the recovery is so bad I will be immobile for months. I am afraid of it and I am angry that I am alone. I was not perfect, but I was loyal and I wanted my family more than anything. I have no feelings for my ex except for these now. I am just realizing how much hurt I have, not because he cheated on me, but because he cheated me out of the family I wanted for myself and my kids. HE cheated me out of people who would be here helping me out (in-laws), He cheated me out of the stability (as unstable as our home was because of money and fights I did not have to work and was home with my kids) I still had him and my kids every day and night. 

I have made so many friends in this last year and this journey has taught me so many things about myself I don't think I would have ever learned in my previous situation, so I am eternally grateful for my new life. But with all the people in my life, with all the "fullness" I feel, I don't feel comfortable enough with any one of them to just say I am extremely lonely, and afraid. My closest friends have extended their hands to help when they can, but I am too much of a "I don't want to bother you" kind of person that I will probably end up dying before I actually ask for help; only because I am thinking of their time and inconvenience. Although this may not be right, and maybe one of the reasons my marriage did not work, the person we are in love with do these things without asking. they are just there to be with you in the hard times. The mistake I made was that I took my partner for granted and since I saw that I made that mistake I don't want to make it again and this is where my love life flat lines and now I am facing huge life challenges and im alone, afraid, and tired.

I think this all comes down to the fact that I am depressed again because I feel lonely. Loneliness sucks. Especially when you need people the most.


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## Jane139

Sometimes, you NEED to ask for help from your friends. If you don't, they will believe you when you say you are okay, you are managing, etc...but most people do want to help, and feel needed. It is not a matter of "putting them out". Many people get their main satisfaction from being of use to others. You really need to let one or two of your closest friends, or even an especially compassionate new friend, know that you are struggling and need some help, whether it is their company or more specific help, post surgery. Being lonely and depressed will have an effect on your home atmosphere, your kids, etc not to mention your own well-being.

It is okay to be alone, and even to feel lonely sometimes, though most people never admit it. But when depression comes into it, and you are having a hard time seeing how things are going to work out, it is important to ask for help. People want to be needed. Also talking to a therapist could be helpful, if you are not doing so.

But please give your friends a chance. I think you will be rewarded. Good luck.


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## TooNice

I second everything Jane said!


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## mishu143

As everyone I have cried to has said, this too shall pass. I don't know what else to do except to just wait it out. My friends have offered and I took their offers immediately. Even the ones just to visit. I am gonna get back on my feet and I will be okay again. 

My life feels like a financial ruin. I know there are people who have been through worse and got out of it all. So it is not impossible. But I am upset that it all went the way it did. This whole last year has just been one disaster after the other. 

Anyway....TBC


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## Hardtohandle

Mishu, 

I've been where you have been and trust me after you break up with someone that you thought might have been a serious relationship you will feel the same again ( where I am at now ).. But you learn to deal with these emotions and learn to put them in their proper place ( hopefully ) otherwise you will keep repeating this cycle of pain and anguish. 

I would suggest coping with infidelity forum. More people there going through what you have or are going through emotionally and financially. I've been divorced since April 2014 and I still post there in a long thread starting from when I caught my wife cheating.. It went from cheating, to child support to dating to breaking up again.. Personally it helps me when I look back at some of this stuff I posted. It helps me see my mindset and hopefully how to change a few things.

Therapy helps.. I am not religious but I go to therapy like it is.. 

I will tell you this, do not date. As much as you might want to, do not date.. Just reading what you're posting shows you are ripe to be taken advantage of by someone saying the right and acting the right way to you. Trust me getting heartache soon after your break up with your Ex spouse is really not going to be good for you at all.. It will send you into a downward spiral which is hard to get out of if you're not ready for it, and it clearly shows you're not..


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## Chuck71

Divorce Class of 2013 here. I got off easy, no kids and I missed the times 

we had together in the past more than her. Personally... I consider love a 

drug. Similar to heroin... if it is taken away from you after ten-twenty years

people seem to want to do anything to retain it's dopamine rush. Sometimes

in this state we make poor choices. Not incidental poor choices.... just poor choices.

It's nice to have friends, IRL and friends on TAM / elsewhere who think enough of you

to tell you the truth.... whether it be in alignment with what you think or

complete opposite.


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## mishu143

SO I am having he second of possibly three surgeries. This second one doesn't seem as bad as the first. The recovery on the first surgery actually went so well I am walking already!! I was told off my feet for at least 8 weeks and I was back on those puppies within 2 weeks!! I am still sore and still in pain but i'm moving. 

I still feel lonely, vulnerable, and a mess. I know a lot of it are circumstances I just cannot fix (my health), but I feel like a hopeless moron at times. 

Dating is gone. I don't care to date. I don't want to date. I have the ideal partner in my head and that ideal does not allow me to see clearly who may be a good pick for me. This tells me my picker is still broken. So I cant use it. 

I feel the need to journal but I do not want to. I would rather post here and get your advice. I appreciate every single one of you. Every single person on this forum who has held my hand and advised me without judgement. I have made plenty of mistakes and can probably consider myself in self-destruct mode. I cannot explain why, but I don't feel like myself ever. I don't know if I ever really knew who I was.

I remember a me who loved adventure. Who loved to question everything around her. A person who loved traveling and seeing the world. I person who loved learning about other cultures and the interesting things the people do in them. I gave up so many passions to make others happy and I was so young when I did so that I never really got to explore them the way they needed. 

Now should be the time I do the things I love, but I am so stuck that I feel like my life will never move forward. 

I don't want to date. I don't want to think about anything. I just want to shut off and shut down. I wish my life were normal. IT doesn't feel like it at all. Highs and lows and they are driving me crazy.


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## TooNice

I'm sorry you are feeling low, Mishu. This might sound odd, but I want you to know that my initial read of your post was actually positive. Despite your highs and lows, it seems to me as though you are reading yourself in a way you could not do before. I think spending time alone is good for us. It helps us to fine tune that picker.  And so what if you have an ideal? We SHOULD have that ideal in our heads. Most of us have been treated like dirt and kicked around...don't we deserve to let ourselves wait for the perfect fit? 

I know you deserve it, girl.


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## Jane139

I had totally lost my entire personality in the later years of my twenty year marriage. I did not even recognize myself and could not associate that person I had once been with the withdrawn, unconfident person I had become. I had not seen my two closest friends, who live in town, in years. My health was a big factor, as I have chronic pain after a surgery resulted in nerve damage, as well as arthritis hitting me around the same time. My husband was expericening depression and emotional issues that made him unrecognizable as the man I married and I am sure he feels the same about me. No affairs on eother side, just a complete breakdown of communication and growing mutual resentment.

I moved out last December and almost instantly, felt myself returning. I adopted a little dog, which meant I had to go put and about several times a day and in my new apartment complex, most people have dogs, so I made friendly acquaintances instantly. And my two best girlfriends accepted my apologies, knowing that my marriage had become miserable, and both visit me or meet up for a meal, weekly. I am so happy living alone, not dating, just seeing my old friends and making a few new ones. I even feel better physically. I had not lived alone since I was 20, nor in an apartment since then, and it really makes it easier to socialize or have social contact. 

Lol sorry to ramble...hope you continue to improve physically and I feel sure you will emotionally and mentally as well. Don't worry about dating if you are not ready or interested. You will know when you are. Also, reach out to old friends if possible. People can be nicer and more helpful than we expect, or think we deserve.


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