# Hubby threatening suicide



## Confusedlot (Feb 3, 2011)

I would appreciate any thoughts and advice on this issue I am faced with. I have just had a serious talk with H about our marriage and I was as honest as possible about how I feel. I told him that I am finding it difficult to ever trust him after all that has happened and I would rather move on with my life than be miserable in the marriage and stick it out for the sake of the kids. I mentioned that so far nothing has happened to convince me that he is committed to work on the marriage and put the needed effort. I was also honest and told him that I no longer have it in me to work on the marriage anymore, all I am doing is working on myself. I had told him last month that I forgive him for all he has done to me and I did point out that my forgiving him though did not necessarily mean we are reconciling. I realised that in order for myself to heal, I need to forgive and move on. 

Today he again apologised for all the mistakes he has done and is asking me to give him another chance. He says that he doesn’t ever imagine how he would live if we were to go our separate ways, says for him life would be meaningless and he would not find any reason to continue living without me in his life. He says he would rather die because we vowed that only death would do us part. This implies he is threatening to kill himself should I eventually make the decision to leave him for good. I must say that after our conversation, I kind of feel trapped in the marriage now because I was at a point whereby I felt I was ready to move on with my life without him. Now I am thinking what if he really does it, that is, he kills himself? At the same time, I feel he is manipulative. Any suggestions on how to handle this. Please help.

Additional info:
We are currently separated, since November (almost 2 months now), he moved out and I remained with the kids. This was not the first separation though, all in all we have been separated for 8 months in the past year,2011. We separated after I discovered H's third emotional affair earlier in the past year and also discovered that he had not cut all contact with OW later in the year. For those of you who may need additional background info, it is found in another thread I started some months back. Thanks in advance.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Your answer to clear your own mind can only come with MC. That doesnt mean you have to go with the purpose of reconciliation. You can even go for proving the opposite. If your MC agrees with you, then your own mind will be clearer.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I'm sorry you are faced with this dilemma.
Yet, it is true that some abusers will go so far as to use their own life to go the distance for abuse. I've seen it happen, and I was as far away as possible at that point. Consider this, if he is doing that, what is to keep him from setting it up in a way that you are framed for it, such as poisoning himself? When a person who has cheated on you (not sure of your history, but it seems there has been a major breach of trust, so perhaps not just limited to cheating but also lying and verbal and emotional abuse, gaslighting, deflection, abandonment of various forms...provocation...) OK, all of that is abuse. Threatening suicide is abuse. Does he truly seem suicidal or is this a new form of manipulation based on all of the information he has gathered over the course of your relationship of how best to yank your chain?

That is for you to decide. 
But if he is manipulating you, be prepared for him to up the ante, perhaps doing things to make it look like you are the abuser, or to blame for whatever happens to him, should he not succeed. Plus it's a way of keeping you close to him without him even having to try. Of getting you to pay so much attention to him out of concern and worry that you won't be able to move on with your life. Is that what you want?

OR DO YOU WANT TO BE MARRIED TO SOMEONE WHO KNOWS WHEN HE IS DEPRESSED AND HAS ISSUES GETS HIS BUTT TO THERAPY ON HIS OWN? (And doesn't solve problems by unreasonably by muddying the waters with different and somewhat but not entirely novel methods of pyshcological imprisonment.) I swear, there must be some handbook out there for abusive stay-at-home players.

I feel, but cannot make a determination, that threats or mention of suicide in this kind of a situation is only another form of violence...the act of using one's own body in a violent abusive emotional torture into another person's consciousness. In a Higher court, this would be a major crime. In a Higher court, it is.
But not in any court on this earth, so don't expect to solve this issue with any kind of paperwork.

I have been 'confusedalot' too. I hope you achieve clarity.


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## lee72 (Dec 29, 2011)

I have also been through this type of situation. We would have a argument and I would say that this just wasn't working and he would say that he'd just die or kill himself if I ever left him.

My logic always said he was manipulating and wouldn't do it, but my heart was always unsure and I stayed. Hindsight: you need to do what's good for you, and do it now before you change your mind and just end up back in the same situation somewhere down the road. Good luck.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

He very well could be saying this out of desperation to keep you in the marriage and not thinking of your feelings. When I left my husband due to his abuse and unfaithfulness, this is one thing he kept bringing up. He always threatened it. 

Did he go fourth and do it? No.... One if his gf's he was sleeping with moved in 3 days after I left. Then my ex h stalked me for a year, despite his gf(now wife) moving in. He has cheated on her too, told our daughter this when my daughter was 15. He's still alive, angry, unchanged after 17 years. One of the best moments of my life was leaving my ex. No woman should ever have to put up with abuse and unfaithfulness. I'm so much happier now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

OP: Just wanted to give you my support and strongly suggest that you get the help you need with an IC with this issue. I too have a depressed suicidal husband with many of the same threats as the other posters for many many years. In essence, the behaviour is to manipulate and isolate you from your feelings... as to minimalize the depth of your emotional health as his are much more serious... its life or death on my hands. He doesn't realize how much his threats hurt me... and if he did go through with it how much it would hurt the children. I am about exhausted with this and with the help of my IC, have informed his primary doctor, his IC, and the next time this happens, to call 911 and have him held 72 hours in psychiatric hold and evaluation. It is in his best interest that you do so... not only for his safety, but you and your childrens as well. I have noticed that the threats are now subtly hinting that I and the children are included in the threat. 

Good luck... you have many resources that you can rely on.. use them to help. Finally... remember, you are NOT responsible for his emotional health.


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

I was in this situation my xp had had suicidal thoughts in the past related to his affair and the guilt etc. I called his best friend and his mum and dad and told them he was threatening suicide and had talked of it in the past.

By telling the people close to him I have removed myself as his confident, if he chooses to kill himself then I have done everything in my limited power to help. 

I will not be manipulated into staying with him because he feels so guilty about his affair that e can live without me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Confusedlot (Feb 3, 2011)

Thanks to all for taking your time to respond to my post and for sharing your exepriences. H does seem desperate to keep me in the marriage, so this could be one reason he is threatening suicide. He seems afraid of being alone. Just like lee72 's situation, I just can't shake the feeling that he is manipulating me and at the same time I worry that what if he would really do it due to the fact that I am aware he owns a gun, which he gave to his father some years ago and also the fact that he is now alone most of the time. (He actually bought the gun and gave his father to protect himself from a step-son who was troublesome at the time.) Actually, there are a lot of instances where he acted irrationally in the past.

Having said that, sharing your perspectives and expereinces on this issue has given me some renewed hope and courage to stay strong. Thank you all.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

I would not let him back in the house. Yes he is playing head games with you. Sounds like he has no respect for your feelings, two EA's and now a suicide threat.

What is his story? Anything in his history regarding suicide attempts? I would call his parents let them deal with it. Just tell them you are concerned and if they could please talk to him and get him some help. Flush him out. If he is upset with you, let him know that a suicide threat should not be taken lightly and that is why you called his parents.

If his response is "well I said it because my marriage is on the rocks" Tell him that one has nothing to do with the other and he should get some help.


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