# Am I Normal?!?!



## .292705 (May 28, 2017)

So my divorce has been final for a couple of months. I didn't divorce my ex-H because I didn't love him quite the contrary I still consider him to be the "love of my life". I divorced him because the complications of him being bipolar and the constant put downs and all that entails made it hard for me to stay.

The issue is that I do still love him and it's been very, very, very confusing. I know that if we reconciled that it would be back to the same level of craziness...BUT it hasn't deterred my feeling that I want to be with him. Is that normal? If you've every been with or around someone that is bipolar then you know what goes on even when on meds...but he's still a person that I love.

Aaarrrggghhhh ... why couldn't this just be cut and dry ... black and white ... this or that ... what is going on with this stupid gray area?
Feelings should have a switch that makes this easier to navigate. He was horrible to me so how is it possible to still love someone like that!?!?

What do you do when you love your ex but know they are toxic?


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

From experience, get some heavy duty counselling to help you enter the next (hopefully healthy) phase of your life. Do not entertain the thought of reconciliation if you want a healthy life ahead, not possible with a seriously mentally ill partner.

My second husbands first wife has serious MH issues, they have 2 kids and were together for 20 years. She is progressively getting worse to the point where her kids now pretty much live with us full time (older teens) because they are being sucked dry by her. My husband and I have had counselling to help deal with the issues of his past marriage that have pervaded into our marriage. IMHO people that have been married to someone with serious MH issues can need professional help to get them back onto a path of normality.

How long were you married?
Any kids?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

We don't just suddenly loose feelings for people just like that, in time they will fade, especially if you have absolutely no contact.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

justsimplylisa said:


> So my divorce has been final for a couple of months. I didn't divorce my ex-H because I didn't love him quite the contrary I still consider him to be the "love of my life". I divorced him because the complications of him being bipolar and the constant put downs and all that entails made it hard for me to stay.
> 
> The issue is that I do still love him and it's been very, very, very confusing. I know that if we reconciled that it would be back to the same level of craziness...BUT it hasn't deterred my feeling that I want to be with him. Is that normal? If you've every been with or around someone that is bipolar then you know what goes on even when on meds...but he's still a person that I love.
> 
> ...


How long were the two of you a couple? did you guys have times when you would be broke up in the marriage, time apart, and then he'd come back or you'd go back? Did he go from this powerhouse working all the time and then just crash, to a point where you thought he was depressed? Was he loving and then could turn on a dime and become very angry? Was he someone that the rules didn't apply to in his book, perhaps would engage in risky behavior....speeding tickets, jobs he'd apply for that he wasn't qualified to take, seeking other women, wanting things he couldn't afford but buying them on credit and not paying for them? I just described my first husband, my high school sweetheart. Counselors have since told me that felt he was bipolar. Despite all the bad, I loved him dearly but the hurtful actions and the way we danced....we'd break up and be back together....nothing about was healthy. It took me 2 years of utter pain in my heart to deal with his choice to end our marriage of 7 years. He had an affair with an older woman that ended the marriage. They were together 3 years, and then he remarried another lady. He did the same to her and this time I saw it thru our children's eyes as they told me what he was doing. My heart went out to his wife, I knew the torment she was going thru. It took me many years to get to a point where I was able to be indifferent towards him. If my daughters came to me complaining I would just tell them that is the way he is and he will never change, that if they wanted a relationship with him they would have to accept him the way he is.

Reading books on narcissism helped me alot, I saw heavy traits of narcissism in him. I also just recently read "Men Who Can't Love" by Steven Carter, a book about a man's fear to commit. My first husband begged me to marry him but after our first year of marriage he started seeking other bed partners without my knowledge....they say you'l know by his behavior, not the case here until he fell in love with one of the other ladies. I think the other women were his way of making himself feel good, wanted and needed....that was something he really seemed to seek from me, verbal affirmation. Yet it was a way too for him to escape the commitment....I am not sure a man who cheats, even married, is truly committed the relationship with his wife (or the other women as far as that goes).


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

No, you are not normal in the sense that you have been hurt and need some serious professional help by a very good psychologist. Your X's illness played a number on you in an emotional way. It's very hard to think straight when you are emotionally wounded. I have been there. Even with therapy, it takes a long time to get to a normal healthy. 

I lived with mine for 21 years. He didn't put me down as much as he ignored me for the most part. Sadly, he has never been diagnosed as bipolar but our daughter has and her behaviors are pretty much him. 

When I see her behaving terribly with her own spouse, I can't believe I tolerated such nastiness for so long and didn't see it as such while living it. You say he was bad even while medicated, that is not the case with my daughter. He probably needed his medications adjusted and he must always seek counseling if he is not getting better. The majority need medication and therapy for life. 

My daughter has been in counseling and back on meds for a couple of weeks now and she is a lot better. Her frustrations are not being thrown outward, they are now coming out in the form of depression. She was horrible, belittled her husband, pretty much ignored her kids, had an affair, and now she told me that it was beginning to affect her work as well. She is a hot mess, but she now understands whst was going on with her and the meds and therapy help her notice what her distorted and untreated illness didn't let her realize before. 

If you don't have children with him and you two are divorced, count yourself lucky and let him go. My daughter is always going to need help and constant supervision by her loved ones. The depression part of the illness is always there peaking at the surface. That is what she tells me.


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## .292705 (May 28, 2017)

No children and 2 years


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## .292705 (May 28, 2017)

AVR1962 said:


> How long were the two of you a couple? did you guys have times when you would be broke up in the marriage, time apart, and then he'd come back or you'd go back? Did he go from this powerhouse working all the time and then just crash, to a point where you thought he was depressed? Was he loving and then could turn on a dime and become very angry? Was he someone that the rules didn't apply to in his book, perhaps would engage in risky behavior....speeding tickets, jobs he'd apply for that he wasn't qualified to take, seeking other women, wanting things he couldn't afford but buying them on credit and not paying for them? I just described my first husband, my high school sweetheart. Counselors have since told me that felt he was bipolar. Despite all the bad, I loved him dearly but the hurtful actions and the way we danced....we'd break up and be back together....nothing about was healthy. It took me 2 years of utter pain in my heart to deal with his choice to end our marriage of 7 years. He had an affair with an older woman that ended the marriage. They were together 3 years, and then he remarried another lady. He did the same to her and this time I saw it thru our children's eyes as they told me what he was doing. My heart went out to his wife, I knew the torment she was going thru. It took me many years to get to a point where I was able to be indifferent towards him. If my daughters came to me complaining I would just tell them that is the way he is and he will never change, that if they wanted a relationship with him they would have to accept him the way he is.
> 
> Reading books on narcissism helped me alot, I saw heavy traits of narcissism in him. I also just recently read "Men Who Can't Love" by Steven Carter, a book about a man's fear to commit. My first husband begged me to marry him but after our first year of marriage he started seeking other bed partners without my knowledge....they say you'l know by his behavior, not the case here until he fell in love with one of the other ladies. I think the other women were his way of making himself feel good, wanted and needed....that was something he really seemed to seek from me, verbal affirmation. Yet it was a way too for him to escape the commitment....I am not sure a man who cheats, even married, is truly committed the relationship with his wife (or the other women as far as that goes).


How long were the two of you a couple? 2 years
Did you guys have times when you would be broke up in the marriage, time apart, and then he'd come back or you'd go back? Not during the marriage but when we were dating.
Did he go from this powerhouse working all the time and then just crash, to a point where you thought he was depressed? He didn't work I supported us because he was in nursing school full time.
Was he loving and then could turn on a dime and become very angry? OMG YESS!!!
Was he someone that the rules didn't apply to in his book, perhaps would engage in risky behavior....speeding tickets, jobs he'd apply for that he wasn't qualified to take, seeking other women, wanting things he couldn't afford but buying them on credit and not paying for them? YES

I don't believe he cheated but he was infatuated with other women especially women with big boobs. And he was 2 dating sites a week after we separated.


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## .292705 (May 28, 2017)

Bibi1031 said:


> No, you are not normal in the sense that you have been hurt and need some serious professional help by a very good psychologist. Your X's illness played a number on you in an emotional way. It's very hard to think straight when you are emotionally wounded. I have been there. Even with therapy, it takes a long time to get to a normal healthy.
> 
> I lived with mine for 21 years. He didn't put me down as much as he ignored me for the most part. Sadly, he has never been diagnosed as bipolar but our daughter has and her behaviors are pretty much him.
> 
> ...


I am currently in counseling


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You are in love with the man you thought he was.He isn’t that man and probably never was.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

If you both still love each other and aren't looking to move on, one alternative is
To remain separated but still married. Still bound to each other, still see one another and date and remain married.
It doesn't have to be final.

The issue is; can you both be faithful and true to your vow's? Can you resist the urge to move back together?
If the answer is no this won't work. If you are (or he) looking to move on, then it won't work, or if one of you finds another then it's off.

Many people after death of spouse, or divorce do not seek another relationship and are happy.
I know a number of such people.
Who made the rule says you have to date or marry again? Can't find it in the municipal code or federal, state statutes.

I agree though you cannot and should not live day to day together presuming he is really sick.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

justsimplylisa said:


> How long were the two of you a couple? 2 years
> Did you guys have times when you would be broke up in the marriage, time apart, and then he'd come back or you'd go back? Not during the marriage but when we were dating.
> Did he go from this powerhouse working all the time and then just crash, to a point where you thought he was depressed? He didn't work I supported us because he was in nursing school full time.
> Was he loving and then could turn on a dime and become very angry? OMG YESS!!!
> ...


I really feel for what you are dealing with. he reeled you, made you his world and then out pops all this behavior. I don't know about you but for the longest time I was stuck in his loving words and actions towards me, I craved it, I wanted it, and for me the hardest the thing for me to let go and because I knew he was giving this to someone else I was terribly bitter and angry for a long long time. I questioned everything....how much I had ever meant to him, was a just being used like he was using these other women. i finally had to let it all go....I knew I would never have answers to my questions and I knew he could give me no resolve by asking him anything. I had to accept first, I then worked at forgiving and once I truly was able to forgive his actions (I did realize he had some major issues and that helped me too) I was finally able to let go. I can reflect now and nothing bothers me and you will get there too. You have to be patient with yourself. be thankful you were smart enough to get out when you did. You have your life ahead of you and this you can chalk up as a learning experience.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

justsimplylisa said:


> The issue is that I do still love him and it's been very, very, very confusing.


Lisa, as we discussed last May, the behaviors you describe are mostly warning signs for BPD, not Bipolar. I mention this again because, if you really have been living with a BPDer for several years, _"confused" _ is exactly how you should be feeling. Indeed, a large share of the abused partners of BPDers become so confused that they feel like they may be going crazy. Because BPDers typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists, sociopaths, or Bipolar sufferers. 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the _one most notorious _for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning. 



> He was horrible to me so how is it possible to still love someone like that!?!?


If your husband is a BPDer, he likely has the emotional development of a four year old. That is, he never had an opportunity to acquire the more mature emotional skills that the rest of us learned in childhood. The result is that he cannot regulate his own emotions and, being unable to tolerate strong conflicting feelings, will flip back and forth between adoring you and devaluing you. 

Of course, this is exactly the same behavior you will see several times a day in young children. A young boy adores Mother when she is bringing out the toys but will instantly flip to hating Mother when she takes one toy away. I mention this because, in asking _"how is it possible to love someone like that?"_ you are essentially asking _"how is it possible to love a young child who rapidly flips between adoration and raging tantrums?"_ Nearly every parent on the planet can give you the answer.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Andy1001 said:


> You are in love with the man you thought he was.He isn’t that man and probably never was.


The above is so very true. It has happened to us all, so yes you are normal. We have trouble accepting that someone we love could be so bad for us that it screws up our life. Your logical side realizes this to be true, that's why you separated, you knew a future with this man would be a constant struggle, not the life you want. 

It's OK to realize you still love him, it's also very very OK to admit as a couple it just doesn't work and never will.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

justsimplylisa said:


> No children and 2 years


*You’re in the best of all worlds!

The rationale for your divorce is a Biblically acceptable one ~ mental or physical abuse of a spouse or child.

You’ll continue to love him, but you deserve a man who will unabashedly love and respect you and everything you stand for!

In regard to finding that new love, always remember to follow your heart!*


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## Bianca Stella (Sep 26, 2017)

justsimplylisa said:


> So my divorce has been final for a couple of months. I didn't divorce my ex-H because I didn't love him quite the contrary I still consider him to be the "love of my life". I divorced him because the complications of him being bipolar and the constant put downs and all that entails made it hard for me to stay.
> 
> The issue is that I do still love him and it's been very, very, very confusing. I know that if we reconciled that it would be back to the same level of craziness...BUT it hasn't deterred my feeling that I want to be with him. Is that normal? If you've every been with or around someone that is bipolar then you know what goes on even when on meds...but he's still a person that I love.
> 
> ...


 provide an example of his behavior. I?ve been told by my husband I have the same issue (BPD) but... aren?t we all a little crazy? Even yourself?


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## .292705 (May 28, 2017)

Bianca Stella said:


> provide an example of his behavior. I?ve been told by my husband I have the same issue (BPD) but... aren?t we all a little crazy? Even yourself?


Examples of his behavior are:
1. he was the victim in every situation according to him; even if he instigated a situation he somehow only saw the things said or done to him not what he did or said. (victimization)
2. he was constantly calling me names and putting me down - even when I could prove without a doubt that what he was saying isn't true he would still call me the worst names
3. he like to diagnosis me with various medical conditions to include BPD...despite the fact our therapists saying it wasn't true
4. he liked to make mean antagonistic remarks to intentionally push my buttons
5. he liked to control what I ate, wore, did but then called me controlling
6. if i didn't agree with him then i was instantly a person with anger issues
7. he would go through my stuff and then tell me i was violating him privacy
8. he'd be happy and loving one minute and then the next he'd be upset with me over something I hadn't even done
9. he didn't like to have the negative things he was doing pointed out without also making me at fault - even when i hadn't done anything but initiate the conversation
10. he conveniently would forget things he said but would remind me of things I said - also include telling stories out of context to appear to be the injured party


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

justsimplylisa said:


> Examples of his behavior are:
> 1. he was the victim in every situation according to him; even if he instigated a situation he somehow only saw the things said or done to him not what he did or said. (victimization)
> 2. he was constantly calling me names and putting me down - even when I could prove without a doubt that what he was saying isn't true he would still call me the worst names
> 3. he like to diagnosis me with various medical conditions to include BPD...despite the fact our therapists saying it wasn't true
> ...


He sounds narcissistic. Narcissists cannot see their own actions and instead place blame on others, they are not accountable. They have to have control and have no compassion for others. If you are having trouble getting over this man with the traits you have experienced here it would be my guess that one of your parents was also narcissistic and you are still in some way trying to gain favor, or please, that person that you know cannot be pleased. It is a way for you to resolve issues from childhood to be able to identity this. You could not please the parent as much as you wanted to be valued and loved in their eye and you chose someone to take that place as it is familiar to you. You have tyo understand what happened to you as a child, being brought into a family where you were not loved or valued like you should have been is not about you, it is about the parent and their own issues. You do not have to bend over for people like this, it is actually best to accept the parent with limitations and let the ex go. He does not know how to treat you and again this is not about you or anything you did, it is about him and his issues but you cannot do anything to help or change him either.


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