# Question about toy prefrence



## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

I am having a hard time even knowing if this is safe to put here. I guess if it is not it will be removed. I want to say firstly, 
I am trying to be tasteful and i really am asking for clarity. 

Let me explain a little first. My husband and I are currently seperated. The entire time we were married I never had an "O" from PIV, or during the usage of PIV. I wanna know if something is broke, or if I am just non orgasmic that way. 

Since I am no longer with my H, though we are planning on reconciling, I would like to know whats going on. I thought if I can't tell my H what I need because I don't know what I need, then that is not a very good system. If I knew what I needed I thought that might be helpful. While I am not with him or anyone else at the moment, this might be a good time to explore some options. 

I will admit, I am kind of naive. Sex is not exctly something I have lots of experience with. It's not exactly xomething I enjoy either. But who does enjoy sex with no "O" right. So maybe I could learn to at least like it. I have been looking at some catalogues and I learned something I didn't know. Vibrators do something that requires batteries, dildo's do not. Dildo's are more in the shape of what you need and thats kind of it, no batteries required. 

What I want to know is ....from you ladies, if you use either of these items, which do you like the best and why or from you guys.... if your wife uses either of these or you use them on her which do you choose and why do you you think she likes it? I would appriciate any insight anyone can give. I don't want to purchase one thing and have the other things be a better option. I don't know if one is better for a beginner then the other. I jsut don't know and I need clarity.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Big Mama said:


> But who does enjoy sex with no "O" right. So maybe I could learn to at least like it.


? Can be fun doing edge-ing play.
the not fun, is your partner getting constantly off and going to sleep and declaring you "too much trouble/difficult" to get off so they're not interested in trying".

A major part of it is emotional arousal, not just a mechanical act.
Many people are too self-conscious and too concerned about other things (how do I look, am I doing it right, why didn't I not have that extra cup of coffee today, is this going to mess up my hair, why is he/she interested in that, or even just overly anxious about their partner's pleasure/needs) - all these consciousness focusing problems use the wrong part of the brain and thus wrong chemical balance for orgasm.

Have to be able to lose yourself in the sensation and in the moment to make it happen. for people who don't relax, that's a hard call.

On the toy side.
Some dildos work, the ones with a bit of a curve seem to give a bit more range in motion/sensation. Can't speak for girth, as that seems to be a "personal fit" kind of deal, but for the inexperienced a mid-range/slightly slim seems to popular as there's less foreplay and emotional workup, so less space to start with during a session.
The many bonus with the dildos seems to be lack of batteries.

For the vibs, I would have to say the rabbit style ones seem to get a lot of smiles. Although there are a few bullet ones with remote control variable speed and motion which can be fun, although you do have to be willing to get your fingers sticky with those and not every girl is comfortable with that. I personally wouldn't bother getting a straight vibe again, a dildo for that shape, and rabbit for the extra buzz.


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

A rabbit is a girl's best friend!

I have a lot of trouble finishing through PIV as well. The little attachment gives extra stimulation exactly where I need it.


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## woodyh (Oct 23, 2015)

We have used lots of toys over the years. My wife's favorite that gets her over the edge to orgasm is the "silver bullet", just a simple vib for your clit. They are cheap, use 2 AA batteries and very effective.
Don't bother with the ones with a little watch battery, not enough power for most.

She has had a rabbit too, kind of dildo with a nice vibrator in the right place, but she still prefers just the silver bullet. Everyone that has sex toys sells them for about $10. We wear one out about yearly.
Just the plain dildo didn't do much for her.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Amazon has some items that are priced well, and you could potentially buy a few things and try them all. I prefer a vibrator in a rabbit style and i bought my first one looking through all the reviews and choosing the one with the best ratings/reviews. Don't be afraid of buying the "wrong" vibrator. Many people end up trying a few different things, in order to determine a favorite. I only have one i don't really like, a too large stick vibrator that Mr. 68 picked out. Something roughly the size of your usual/former partner(s) is a good place to start.

If you end up using it often, once you find a style you like, that's the time to spring for something quality.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Try both. Some women can orgasm for PIV only. A dido could help you figure out if you're one of them, by yourself, without the pressure to have an orgasm. 

Many can only orgasm from clitoral stimulation only (and it sounds like youre at least able to do that?). A vibrator will tell you if that works for you. 

Once you're able to figure out which way (s) you can orgasm, you can go from there and figure out with your partner what he and you need to do to make it happen during sex.

Whatever you try, get super relaxed and in the mood first. Hot bath, glass of wine, porn if that turns you on. Then relax with a new toy and see how it goes. 

If vibrators work for you, consider the type he puts on the shaft of his penis during intercourse. You can pick them up at CVS for a few bucks in the condom section (along with other non intimidating type vibrators). Could be a good way to get an O during PIV. My W can orgasm many ways, but she sure does appreciate some fun with the "on shaft" vibrators sometimes. Done and timed right, she can often have "blended orgasms" that really rock her world.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
many women cannot orgasm just from PIV, so you are not at all unusual. 

My wife and I use sex toys. During PIV I will also use a vibrator on her. Other times I will use a dildo and a vibrator at the same time. She likes very strong vibrations so we have a hitachi. She likes very textured, quite large dildoes so we have a selection. 

Preferences on toys are all over the map. Dildos come in a very wide range of shapes, textures and softness. Some look realistic, some are abstract. 

Vibrators come in all sorts, from little things that produce a slight buzzing sensation to a hitachi wand which is extremely powerful. 

There is all the variety because different women like different things. You may need to experiment to figure out what you like best.


The little "pocket rocket" is inexpensive and might be a good try for a small vibrator.

For dildos, you need to pick a size and texture. Probably best to start with something roughly normal human size. (~6"). I'd suggest going to amazon and looking at what is available.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

spotthedeaddog said:


> ? Can be fun doing edge-ing play.
> the not fun, is your partner getting constantly off and going to sleep and declaring you "too much trouble/difficult" to get off so they're not interested in trying".
> 
> A major part of it is emotional arousal, not just a mechanical act.
> ...


Edging is a nice pastime, as long as the ability to "O" does not pass only to never return. That sucks. My H has fallen asleep while giving oral, he has kinda given me performance anxiety. If it doesn't happen then he feels badly.

We have sex, and I can get mine from clitorial stimulation, but once he goes PIV, I can no longer get my fix. I don;t know what changes, What felt good a second ago is now blahhhhh just because of insertion. 

It definitely takes the bullet to get me to the point where it will happen, like I said though, when he inserts it changes the way it feels and I can no longer find "That spot" In the 20 years we have had sex, never ever even with the bullet or any other toy have we both came at the same time. I have came and he inserted at the right time, and I didn't like it. I don't know if it was the fear to let go, or if it was just that unpleasant that I just didn't like it. I know I want to fix the issue for my sake first and formost, but for his sake to.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Coming at the same time is so over rated. It doesn't mean anything really. It's like saying we're both drinking this glass of beer let's make sure we both have to pee at the same time. Silly, meaningless. What's important is that you're both present during each of your climaxes.

Experiment a lot Big Momma. Use your fingers, wad up a tee shirt and lay on top and hump it. Take all the time you need, ket your mind cook up any and all fantasies it wants to, or doesn't want to. The goal is to grow comfortable with getting yourself super aroused, finding all the ways you can become aroused, and even noticing how you feel if you edge yourself. If you get yourself super aroused and then stop the action but keep the thinking engaged. You've got to keep both your mind and body engaged and then you allow your body to bridge for your mind and your mind to bridge for your body.

Start off after a relaxing shower or bath thinking about how you're going to enjoy your body and feel good.

Now that you know vibrators work, you can move up to dildos. Some have rabbit ears and a vibrating motor, some have the ears for the clit and another probe for anal stimulation. I suggest you try a plain vibrating dildo to start. No sense in buying the uber awesome Lelo if penetration just always leaves you cold.

I applaud you! This is an important step in owning your sexuality. This is your body and your mind and no one else is allowed to have head space that interferes with the wonderful things your body can do! Throw the bastards out of your head and never let them back in!


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

BM, are we to assume you have had orgasms via masturbation? If so then maybe the first step is having orgasm when your husband goes down. Has that happened?


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## hairyhead (Oct 30, 2015)

My wife says this is the best she has ever used. We used several over the years.

http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=32633

Sent from my SM-T800 using Tapatalk


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

Evidently your husband ceased his abuive behaviors in order for you to be considering reconciliation. I've read your previous threads and his controlling behaviors were atrocious.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Thundarr said:


> BM, are we to assume you have had orgasms via masturbation? If so then maybe the first step is having orgasm when your husband goes down. Has that happened?


Thar is correct. I have had "O"s via masturbation. It has also happened a few times threw oral sex. It used to happen every time, then it started happening less. Then it got to never happening, and to the point where I could careless. 


I was on antidepressants, which I know are "O" killers. My husband and I are now separated with the hopes of reconciling. I just want all my crap in order when we do reconcile. 


I have a past history of sexual abuse (as a small child) and rape (as a teen) and that does kinda get in the way at times. It is not as easy as just happening. I am in T for that and have been for 2 years now.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

techmom said:


> Evidently your husband ceased his abuive behaviors in order for you to be considering reconciliation. I've read your previous threads and his controlling behaviors were atrocious.


We have seperaated. If he fixes his issues, and I fix mine, and he changes his controling ways, adn the T sees that he has really changed and done the necessary work, and the T says it is safe to go back, then yes we will try again to see if we can make things work. 

I do want to get this lack of "O" things strightened out for my self mainly. I feel like I have been robbed of the joy that sex can bring, even if it is solo sex. In the event that I do go back to my H, I would like to have a better know how of how things work and what I need. If I never go back and I find mister right someday, then I want to know what I need and how things work so I can better explain what it is that I need and want. 

I can't explain what I need, if I don't know what I need.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Big Mama said:


> Thar is correct. I have had "O"s via masturbation. It has also happened a few times threw oral sex. It used to happen every time, then it started happening less. Then it got to never happening, and to the point where I could careless.
> 
> 
> I was on antidepressants, which I know are "O" killers. My husband and I are now separated with the hopes of reconciling. I just want all my crap in order when we do reconcile.
> ...


I'm sorry about your past BM. It's mind boggling to me how short the sentences are for sexual abuse. Some of the road blocks in you're relationship may be directly related to the despicable things that happened to you in the past.

In regards to your husband, I'd say to focus on his intent. If he's willing to go down and try to give you an O then you have something to work with. Let's face it, when sexual abuse is part of the equation then building trust is sometimes more important than anything else. So is he someone you trust or will be able to trust?


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Rabbits work for me. I agree with the posters that tell you to explore different ones. Dildos don't do it for me. Not even the so called G-spot ones.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
There seems to be a huge amount of variation - presumably that is why there are so many types of toys.

My wive has never liked rabbits at all. 




Bibi1031 said:


> Rabbits work for me. I agree with the posters that tell you to explore different ones. Dildos don't do it for me. Not even the so called G-spot ones.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Thundarr said:


> I'm sorry about your past BM. It's mind boggling to me how short the sentences are for sexual abuse. Some of the road blocks in you're relationship may be directly related to the despicable things that happened to you in the past.
> 
> In regards to your husband, I'd say to focus on his intent. If he's willing to go down and try to give you an O then you have something to work with. Let's face it, when sexual abuse is part of the equation then building trust is sometimes more important than anything else. So is he someone you trust or will be able to trust?


Thundarr, thank you so much. Your words give me hope that people in the world today still care. In regards to my husband, he has been abusive in the past, but I am hoping to go down a path of forgiveness, and over time learn a new trust for him. It may be a slippery slope though. It is hard to trust someone who has hurt you in abusive ways over the years. I think I can forgive though. I am willing to try anyway. Only time will tell. I know I will not return to further abuse. Once that crap starts I am gone. Me and my children will go elsewhere. 

Than you again for your understanding words.


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## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

hairyhead said:


> My wife says this is the best she has ever used. We used several over the years.
> 
> http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=32633
> 
> Sent from my SM-T800 using Tapatalk



They make a wide range of interesting toys. Lelo, we have a range in her bedside drawer. 
Most weeks one or another comes out to play. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

My wife likes something that just gives her a decent clitoral stimulation. The little bullets don't do much for her, and she's never used a Hitachi or anything more powerful (that I know of!). So right in the middle, I guess.

She also has zero use for a dildo, or really any insertion. So it's a fairly standard vibrator that gives, I'm guessing, medium strength vibrations.

Ironically enough, it's a rabbit, but she never uses it the way it's -supposed- to be used. Tried it once, didn't like it.

So it's pretty much the end of the vibrator used on her clit, starting at the slow setting, building up the highest one. I've seen her take 20 seconds to finish, all the way up to ~10 minutes.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

Big Mama said:


> We have seperaated. If he fixes his issues, and I fix mine, and he changes his controling ways, adn the T sees that he has really changed and done the necessary work, and the T says it is safe to go back, then yes we will try again to see if we can make things work.
> 
> I do want to get this lack of "O" things strightened out for my self mainly. I feel like I have been robbed of the joy that sex can bring, even if it is solo sex. In the event that I do go back to my H, I would like to have a better know how of how things work and what I need. If I never go back and I find mister right someday, then I want to know what I need and how things work so I can better explain what it is that I need and want.
> 
> I can't explain what I need, if I don't know what I need.


Discovering your sexuality would be a very important step in recovering from abuse.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

alexm - thank you for sharing. Your wife sounds kinda like me. Insertion of anything does nothing for me. Clitorial stimulation one other hand is a different story. It is nice to hear and maybe even make me not feel so bad about not having anything happen with PIV. I told my husband once when he asked me to describe how sex feels, I told him it feels like sticking your finger in your nose. No sensations that rock your world, or even remotely pleasant. Nothing horrible or displeasurable, just kinda take it or leave it. That was not exactly the response he was looking for. 

Nice to know that I may not be alone.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

techmom said:


> Discovering your sexuality would be a very important step in recovering from abuse.



You are correct. Nothing works the way it should. Not my body or my brain. I can convince my brain it is ok, but I still have body memories that I struggle with. "Sensations" spark a fear in me, a terror in me is more like it. I need to learn to feel things and know that it is ok to feel these things and that I am safe with ME. I need to learn that before I can share ME with anyone else.


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## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

Big Mama, so very sorry to hear about your past abuse and hope with the therapy and self awareness will help you overcome some of your fears and triggers.

I have used the Lelo Luna Touch Sensor Bead, it has helped my post menopausal vagina when the usual Kegal exercises were not helping any longer. You insert the bead into your vagina and it vibrates at different levels and speeds. You tighten your vaginal muscles when it starts vibrating and hold until it stops. It has really helped me become more in tune with my inner workings and better control of my vaginal muscles for superior vaginal orgasms. I do orgasm vaginally, but was becoming more elusive so I bought the Bead for some more specific excercise. It seems to be working well. I do believe that a woman needs good muscular 'tone' in her vagina to derive any benefit from PIV. A flaccid vagina is about as sad as a flaccid penis in my book. 

Another very erogenous zone not to be overlooked is the anus, both penetration and rimming can be quite stimulating. Anal penetration with either vaginal penetration and/or clitorial stimulation simultaneously can be mind blowing. An investment in a butt plug should be considered. 

Best of luck and never stop trying. You are being so smart to try this journey of self discovery before returning to your ex or moving on whichever the case may be. 

Sun Catcher


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Big Mama said:


> alexm - thank you for sharing. Your wife sounds kinda like me. Insertion of anything does nothing for me. Clitorial stimulation one other hand is a different story.* It is nice to hear and maybe even make me not feel so bad about not having anything happen with PIV.* I told my husband once when he asked me to describe how sex feels, I told him it feels like sticking your finger in your nose. No sensations that rock your world, or even remotely pleasant. Nothing horrible or displeasurable, just kinda take it or leave it. That was not exactly the response he was looking for.
> 
> Nice to know that I may not be alone.


Something like 70% of women never, ever O from PIV. Ever. You are not at all unusual or broken. Physiology is what it is. 

I will add to the chorus - Lelo vibes are THE best.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

intheory- yikes. That is all I have to say about hemorroids. I am afraid to go with a vibrator, because as you stated, men don't vibrate. I have other toys and it is definitely made things more difficult with my H and I. It can do things he simply cannot. I have built a reliance on my toys. I do not want that to happen with a vibrator. 

Thank you for your well wishes with recovery.


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