# Today is my Birthday - He's such an @ss!



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

So, I drop my son off w/his Dad this morning....does this man I've been with for 20 years wish me a Happy Birthday? No....

I am trying SO hard to be civil, to do the right things, to even get him to talk about ANYTHING, to be fair - I'm at a loss....

It's not that I care it's my b'day - I'd really rather skip. I know on his b'day, I will tell him Happy Birthday! And this Sunday, I will buy him a card & gift from his son - even though he didn't for me (my son made me a card himself and I love that more than anything that could be bought!) - why do I care??

Ladies - I guess since I'm the one who left (after years of begging for things to change etc - you can read my past posts) and it's all MY fault, I'm the b*itch - any tips on how I can become said b*tch? If I'm gonna be accused of being one, maybe it's time I act the part? Is there a pill? LOL


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

There is no magic pill for being a b*tch. LOL.

But ya kjow what, you're not together anymore. So don't sweat him not wishing you a happy birthday. He probably resents you for leaving him. 

Also, don't get him a card and gift from yourself. If you want to give him one from your son, that's one thing, but not personally from you.


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> There is no magic pill for being a b*tch. LOL.
> 
> But ya kjow what, you're not together anymore. So don't sweat him not wishing you a happy birthday. He probably resents you for leaving him.
> 
> Also, don't get him a card and gift from yourself. If you want to give him one from your son, that's one thing, but not personally from you.


Well....I need to toughen up! I can be a b*tch but my problem is, when someone throws me a bone (of niceness) it's like I go running to chase it! I need to be consistant, right?? 

And I'm pretty sure you're right about him resenting me for leaving....he's made that really clear. Funny....doesn't do anything about it!

And yes, that's what I meant....a present from my son, not from me.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes, be consistent. 

At this point, treat him cordially, coolly, unemotionally--the way you would treat a colleague at work. Nice, but nothing over the top. Even-keeled. All business.


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Yes, be consistent.
> 
> At this point, treat him cordially, coolly, unemotionally--the way you would treat a colleague at work. Nice, but nothing over the top. Even-keeled. All business.


Ugh....this is a tough one for me!
Can you come hold my hand? 

I'm co-dependant (working on it) so, I recongnise that I'm caring WAY TOO MUCH about what others think - but I'm very emotional about everything - my son got MVP this past weekend and I busted out crying! WTH?

Maybe there's a chant of some sort I can keep telling myself over and over until I believe it?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sure, I'll hold your hand 

First step is recognizing you co-dependency and breaking free from that. Don't let others drive your emotions. 

You MUST detach.

Getting emotional while dealing with your stbx is not going to help you at all during this separation/divorce.

Crying when your son wins something is fine. You were happy for him!

The chant you can use: he who angers you controls you.

Repeat it over and over a gain. Don't give your stbx the power anymore. You will never let go and truly start to move on until you detach fully.


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Sure, I'll hold your hand
> 
> First step is recognizing you co-dependency and breaking free from that. Don't let others drive your emotions. *I really think I've been this way my whole life - I'm in therapy (have been since before I left) and she helped me see I was co-dependant. It's a hard habit to break, I'm telling you. I have a hard time making decisions on my own - so leaving was huge!*
> 
> ...


 *Thank you again for talking me thru this! I've had many texts, calls, emails and birthday wises from friends and family - I don't know why his not even mentioning it hurts, but it does.*

Wow - just got a text from him "Happy 43rd"


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I don't think I would wish happy birthday to someone who left me.


If I left someone I wouldn't want them to wish me a happy birthday.

as for the child well if he made you a card then he can make his dad a card IF HE WANTS TO. Dad might not deserve a card in his eyes.


sometime actions speak louder than words (or inactions in this case)


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> I don't think I would wish happy birthday to someone who left me. *Maybe not - but regardless of who left who....we were together for 20 years and have a child together. Most importantly, we are still living, breathing, human beings w/hearts, souls and feelings...or atleast I am lol.*
> 
> 
> If I left someone I wouldn't want them to wish me a happy birthday.
> ...


*You said it all right there!*


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

JustAGirl said:


> my son made me a card himself and I love that more than anything that could be bought!


That's really cool that your son did that without encouragement from anyone. Focus on that. No need to be a b!tch.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> The chant you can use: he who angers you controls you.


Yes. So the trick is to drop the anger. But the anger is there because of the pain they caused. So before the anger can go we must heal our wounds. The only way to heal emotional wounds is through forgiveness.

If we don’t forgive we keep the wounds open and the anger doesn’t go away. So we remain as strongly attached to them through our pain as we were through our love for them.


----------



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I don't know your complete situation. My wife, however, divorced me after 18 years because she "wasn't happy" anymore. I didn't cheat, wasn't abusive, etc. I tried to lead a good life with her and tried to make her happy, but I guess I got a little boring and she wanted greener grass. 

She ruined our kids lives, in my opinion, and a lot of other things. I try to keep it civil for the kids sake and honestly, we probably get along better than most who have divorced. However, she can take her happy birthdays and shove them! 

I guess i just have my own way of looking at things, but as far as I'm concerned, the divorce ended my responsibilities of making her happy. I tried that for a lot of years. She wanted the divorce, so she can lump whatever discomforts it brings her.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Luckily though there are cards out there dripping with hate and sarcasm you can use. And on the envelope, write

Happy Birthday

-The Unabomber

(don't open till your B'Day!!)


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Luckily though there are cards out there dripping with hate and sarcasm you can use. And on the envelope, write
> 
> Happy Birthday
> 
> ...


Exactly!

One of the funniest cards I have ever seen had a picture of Banff, Canada on the outside and in the inside it said "The scenery is here, wish you were beautiful". 

You could recreate that card with Google images and Word. 

:rofl:


----------



## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Girl, you left the man. You and he are not married anymore, so why are you expecting ANY friendly words?


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

This is not comforting, 

but expecting an ex to remember you birthday and wish you happy birthday, I just find funny! No matter how many years you have been together, after the marriage is over, your relationship is over, a man and a woman don't have blood relationship. 

And life in general, don't expect others to do what you wish for, because they will just disappoint you. 

If you want to make yourself happy, do things to make yourself happy. If you feel that you have been kinder and more generous, but the other one is not returning the same kind of favor, don't do it for the other person anymore, saves disappointment and hurt!


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> That's really cool that your son did that without encouragement from anyone. Focus on that. No need to be a b!tch.


You're right


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Yes. So the trick is to drop the anger. But the anger is there because of the pain they caused. So before the anger can go we must heal our wounds. The only way to heal emotional wounds is through forgiveness.
> 
> If we don’t forgive we keep the wounds open and the anger doesn’t go away. So we remain as strongly attached to them through our pain as we were through our love for them.


Funny....this post hit me hard.
I have a friend who is going thru the same things I am....
She and I have really been a comfort to one another....
But your words here, I had to share with her.

We MUST drop the anger and forgive...for ourselves and our children.

I really seek closure, but will probably never get it....
So I must forgive and prayed really hard @church last night about it....and I will again tonight! 

Thank you AFEH...thank you!


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

southbound said:


> I don't know your complete situation. My wife, however, divorced me after 18 years because she "wasn't happy" anymore. I didn't cheat, wasn't abusive, etc. I tried to lead a good life with her and tried to make her happy, but I guess I got a little boring and she wanted greener grass.
> 
> She ruined our kids lives, in my opinion, and a lot of other things. I try to keep it civil for the kids sake and honestly, we probably get along better than most who have divorced. However, she can take her happy birthdays and shove them!
> 
> I guess i just have my own way of looking at things, but as far as I'm concerned, the divorce ended my responsibilities of making her happy. I tried that for a lot of years. She wanted the divorce, so she can lump whatever discomforts it brings her.


You're right too....
He did end up sending me a "Happy B'day" text and it's not that I was expecting it, really....

Here's the thing....this man is all talk and no action.
When I tried reaching out to him 3/4 years ago, until the day I left....he refused to talk, work on us or agree to therapy. Basically laughed in my face that I was going....

I just think that if you really "loved, missed and wanted your wife to come home" you would do something. Not once has he tried to talk to me (and I've asked) or agreed to go to counceling (I've asked since I left) or ask what it would take to bring me back home.

Maybe I'm holding onto some glimmer of hope that he will wake up, but it's just causing me pain.

I didn't leave him b/c of one thing, I left him b/c of many....many things he is STILL in denial about. I know my child is the most important person to me EVER - but I can't be a good Mom to him if I'm depressed and crying everyday b/c I can't get thru to his Dad.....

I'm sorry for your pain - even though I'm the one that left, I feel pain too....I'm just the one who took action instead of pretending it was all ok.


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Luckily though there are cards out there dripping with hate and sarcasm you can use. And on the envelope, write
> 
> Happy Birthday
> 
> ...


:smthumbup:
tee hee


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Exactly!
> 
> One of the funniest cards I have ever seen had a picture of Banff, Canada on the outside and in the inside it said "The scenery is here, wish you were beautiful".
> 
> ...


I usually give funny cards for birthdays anyway....
I gave one to my brother one time that had the Grim Reaper on the front and inside it said, "I'm coming - Happy Birthday"

When my stbex's b'day comes up...I will wish him a Happy B'day (regardless b/c at one point we we're friends and I'd like to be the best parents we can be)
And for Father's Day - regardless of what he did or didn't do for me from my son, I will get him a card, get my son to sign it from him and a gift card from Starbucks - because that's how I roll.....


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Mrs.G said:


> Girl, you left the man. You and he are not married anymore, so why are you expecting ANY friendly words?


Ah hell...I don't know


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> This is not comforting,
> 
> but expecting an ex to remember you birthday and wish you happy birthday, I just find funny! No matter how many years you have been together, after the marriage is over, your relationship is over, a man and a woman don't have blood relationship.
> 
> ...


I'm learning this the hard way....
And you aren't being confronting at all....I have pretty thick skin until I think someone doesn't "hear" me....

Thanks for your post....I'm trying to be the best I can - for ME


----------

