# New seperation. Scared of the future and what life will be like.



## Crushed90 (Sep 28, 2016)

My husband just left two days ago. I was blind sided. Kinda. I had suspicions that he was cheating and received a message from a women confirming my fears. She says it ended a year ago when she found out about me she ended it but I feel he is still talking to other women because he is very secretive with phone, friends, etc. I confronted the situation 2 days ago and he just left. He doesn't want to try and fix things. I am terrified of what my life will be like without him. Most of my adult life has been with him. I'm not sure how to be alone and be happy. I'm scared of being alone and EVENTUALLY dating again. He meant the world to me and this is just crushing me. I need advice on how to be strong and move on. I feel so weak. Sadness, anger, frustration, emptiness, hopelessness, numb. All of the emotions are flooding my heart and I feel like I'm going to explode. I know other people are, unfortunately, feeling this too or have in the past and I could use all the help I can get.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Crushed90 said:


> My husband just left two days ago. I was blind sided. Kinda. I had suspicions that he was cheating and received a message from a women confirming my fears. She says it ended a year ago when she found out about me she ended it but I feel he is still talking to other women because he is very secretive with phone, friends, etc. I confronted the situation 2 days ago and he just left. He doesn't want to try and fix things. I am terrified of what my life will be like without him. Most of my adult life has been with him. I'm not sure how to be alone and be happy. I'm scared of being alone and EVENTUALLY dating again. He meant the world to me and this is just crushing me. I need advice on how to be strong and move on. I feel so weak. Sadness, anger, frustration, emptiness, hopelessness, numb. All of the emotions are flooding my heart and I feel like I'm going to explode. I know other people are, unfortunately, feeling this too or have in the past and I could use all the help I can get.


Since it has only been two days, give yourself time to grieve. Remind yourself that your grief is normal and unavoidable for awhile, but it WILL get better. You won't always feel the misery that you do now. After a week or two, force yourself to get out and exercise, such as long walks or bike rides. The next few months will be difficult, but you will get through it.


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## Crushed90 (Sep 28, 2016)

Thank you. I feel like I'm being a big baby but we built a life together and it is just crumbling around me. I feel that somehow I have failed. That somehow it's my fault he doesn't love me. I've had a really difficult life and I felt like my marriage was the one thing I was proud of and now I've failed at that too.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Crushed90 said:


> Thank you. I feel like I'm being a big baby but we built a life together and it is just crumbling around me. I feel that somehow I have failed. That somehow it's my fault he doesn't love me. I've had a really difficult life and I felt like my marriage was the one thing I was proud of and now I've failed at that too.


I, and many others, know the feeling all too well. Every spouse can recall some things that they wished they would have done better. The bottom line is that your husband was not faithful. If he was not satisfied, he needed to communicate that with you and work with you to improve things. If your husband returns tomorrow, then unfortunately, you will still be unhappy a year from now trying to deal with your shattered self-esteem and a husband that you cannot trust.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Its okay to feel like this its normal, your in the very very early stage of grief, then one day you will wake and angry at him, and then later nothing, you will not miss him you will miss moments, but those can eventually replaced with someone who wants you, and loves you with out a doubt. He is a coward, he is only a shell of the man you married. Let him go, let him live with his regrets. Do you have family you can turn too?


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## Crushed90 (Sep 28, 2016)

Unfortunately, I think you're right. We separated two years ago because he was "unhappy" and I had a feeling he was cheating. We got back together but I never got any clarification. These two years have been very stressful on my heart and my mind. Constantly wondering if he was talking to other women. I fell into a deep depression and I thought it was just me and I needed medication. I think now that maybe my heart was carrying a heavy burden and it is now being set free. Nevertheless, Somehow I still love him and want to think it's all not true. I'm trying to move towards the reality that this is what I needed. That I will never trust him.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The only thing that will help you heal is time. Actually, there IS another thing - staying FAR FAR FAR away from him. If his current boinking buddy tells him to hit the road, he may show up back at your door begging for forgiveness. You need to harden your heart towards him so that he can't put you through this all over again if that happens!!

Also you need to get STD tested.

Hopefully, soon you will get angry at him, then things will be much easier 

Oh, and as far as this whole thing about you not being good enough or this all being your fault? STOP with that. Right now. This is on HIM. HE made the choice to cheat - you DID NOT cause him to cheat in ANY way. HE did that, 1000%.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You could ask that this thread be moved to Coping with Infidelity if you like. Unfortunately there are lots of us in there


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## Crushed90 (Sep 28, 2016)

Steve1000 said:


> I, and many others, know the feeling all too well. Every spouse can recall some things that they wished they would have done better. The bottom line is that your husband was not faithful. If he was not satisfied, he needed to communicate that with you and work with you to improve things. If your husband returns tomorrow, then unfortunately, you will still be unhappy a year from now trying to deal with your shattered self-esteem and a husband that you cannot trust.





Hope1964 said:


> You could ask that this thread be moved to Coping with Infidelity if you like. Unfortunately there are lots of us in there


Yea. That's probably where it should be. I think it's hard for me to accept that he DID cheat on me.


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## GreyEcho (Sep 28, 2016)

Feeling rejected is a hard pill to swallow... Stay positive this life event will make you a stronger person and more self sufficient.. Just harden your spirit!!


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## bwent (Oct 20, 2016)

<3 and hugs all around. You are not your spouse. You are you, with or without him. The first few days after I left my partner after discovering his affair and his... other illicit behaviour, I had a girlfriend come over and we spent the next day and night drinking, eating junk food, watching movies, etc.

Sounds a bit cliche but surround yourself with your girls and the people in your life that care about you. If your parents are near by, let them cook for you and just go hang at their house, I don't care how old you are. And when you feel up to it, focus on a project if you can. The first thing I did was redo some furniture with chalk paint and buy myself a bar (20 bucks second hand woo!) 

And recently, I treated myself to a trip, by myself. Went on a roadtrip somewhere I always wanted to go and even camped alone. There is no limit to the things you can do by yourself.

But do not feel bad in the slightest if you need to spend a day crying, drinking wine, and listening to Adele. No shame. It's going to be a lot of ups and downs so go easy on yourself. You are still you and you are still loved.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Crushed90 said:


> My husband just left two days ago. I was blind sided. Kinda. I had suspicions that he was cheating and received a message from a women confirming my fears. She says it ended a year ago when she found out about me she ended it but I feel he is still talking to other women because he is very secretive with phone, friends, etc. I confronted the situation 2 days ago and he just left. He doesn't want to try and fix things. I am terrified of what my life will be like without him. Most of my adult life has been with him. I'm not sure how to be alone and be happy. I'm scared of being alone and EVENTUALLY dating again. He meant the world to me and this is just crushing me. I need advice on how to be strong and move on. I feel so weak. Sadness, anger, frustration, emptiness, hopelessness, numb. All of the emotions are flooding my heart and I feel like I'm going to explode. I know other people are, unfortunately, feeling this too or have in the past and I could use all the help I can get.


Grieve now but give your self right to believe that your life could actually be better. Most if not almost all people in your situation go on to have great happy lives. You will too. It's just hard to see right now. 

Things that work, Gym, working out helps you to build endorphins that is your bodies natural way to make you happy, it also gives you tangable goals and daily successes. Plus looking good will help you if you decide to date again. Use the time to do things that you love, this will give you joy and also put you around people who have the same passion as you. Surround yourself with friends, and don't be afraid to lean on others. Post here or other places if you need to. And if it is really bad like you can't work go to your doctor, there is nothing wrong with dealing with pain *temporarily* with depression meds.

One other thing remember in life you are only responsible for you. Did you work at the marriage as hard as you knew how to? Where you a good spouse? Then you didn't fail. Take that is proof that you can be those things you were just not with the right person.


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

Crushed90 said:


> My husband just left two days ago. I was blind sided. Kinda. I had suspicions that he was cheating and received a message from a women confirming my fears. She says it ended a year ago when she found out about me she ended it but I feel he is still talking to other women because he is very secretive with phone, friends, etc. I confronted the situation 2 days ago and he just left. He doesn't want to try and fix things. I am terrified of what my life will be like without him. Most of my adult life has been with him. I'm not sure how to be alone and be happy. I'm scared of being alone and EVENTUALLY dating again. He meant the world to me and this is just crushing me. I need advice on how to be strong and move on. I feel so weak. Sadness, anger, frustration, emptiness, hopelessness, numb. All of the emotions are flooding my heart and I feel like I'm going to explode. I know other people are, unfortunately, feeling this too or have in the past and I could use all the help I can get.


What you are feeling is very normal. I know you are tired of hearing that. I was too. 

Its hard in fact its going to be the hardest thing you ever do. You still love them and honestly he does not love you. 

Now is the time to get angry. Get mad! Getting angry will help you in so many ways. It will help you take control and do what you need to do. It will help you temporarily separate yourself from him. It will help you not look at him as the person you were married too. 

Don't think about tomorrow. Just take each day one at a time. Everyday make a list of what you need to do and accomplish that list. Don't worry about dating and the future. 

I was told this same advice and I know its hard to actually do it. But you have to. You need to worry about yourself and take care of you!

When you need to cry, cry. If you want to punch a wall, punch it. Your on a rollercoaster of emotions and it hurts. 

The one piece of advice that really helped me was the following. The person you married is dead!. In the ground and rotting. This person you see now is not the person you married. They do not care or love you. This is not the person that told you they loved you and would take care of you. This is not the person that said they wanted you forever. That person died! Actually dead and buried. You cant bring them back no more than you can bring back any other dead person. 

Also don't expect any kind of remorse or an "im sorry". Not going to happen and even if it does its not real. 

Its a long road that is only healed by time and distance. You cant control the time but you can control the distance. Distance yourself from this person that wears the skin of the person you fell in love with.


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## Karma999 (Oct 10, 2016)

I know just how you feel, this same thing happened to me 3 weeks ago,i had my douts about him also, but he kept denying it. off course.but everything people are telling you on here is true each day you feel a little bit better, and then you will slip back again telling yourself you can't do this. but each day makes you stronger, look upon it as your ability to show him you are the better person. and can rise above what he has done to you.If you believe in karma, that helps a lot. good luck.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Crushed,

Sorry this happened but if you stick around you will find that there are many others here, male and female, who have experienced what you are going through now and who will provide support.

If you have not done it, get to an attorney like today or tomorrow. Men do not walk away with no consequences and you need to know your rights by law where you live. 

Time is one of the best healers but now you are in shock which is understandable.

There are folks here who can advise you and help you.

Try to stay calm and stay off booze or pills other than a med your doctor provides to calm you down.


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## kettle (Oct 28, 2016)

It will take time, but eventually you will be okay.


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