# Partner had a one night stand.



## TRey1 (Sep 24, 2012)

So I found out yesterday that my partner of 6 years had a one night stand while on holiday 2 weeks ago. The only reason he told be was because I suspected something and found an incriminating message on his phone to his brother saying 'I'm with a Russian number.want a naked picture??' I don't even know what to think.

I confronted him. He admitted it. He cried, vomited, the works. I know something was wrong. He has been sick every day since he got back. He says it was protected sex but has had an STD test anyway. 

He says he realised before he finished (TMI?) what a mistake he made and left. He never saw her again.

I know he is sorry. I know he regrets it. Despite what he has done I believe him truly.

I'm scared. I don't think I have it in me to forgive him. I really desperately want to, I just don't think I can. He is staying at his mothers at the moment.

We have a 5 year old together. I'm so angry and sad. I feel humiliated. I'm angry at his brother and our friend for letting this happen. I just don't know how to move forward. I don't feel I can make a decision. I'm just heartbroken. The one thing we always had was trust.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

He didn't just cheat. He's bragging about it. I think he's truly sorry that he got caught but he would have never confessed.

Whether you forgive him or not, you will never forget and it will probably never stop bothering you. If your feelings of insecurity and loss fully transform to anger, you will know if you have it in you to work on things. I don't think you should personally. Sounds like a prostitute which is even worse.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am so very sorry. You're in the right place. Read links in people's signature lines, have a look at the stickies, and take your time. D day for me was March 2010 so I know exactly what you're going through. 

What do you want - to stay together or to split?

How is he proving to you he's remorseful?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Would couples counselling help?


----------



## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> He didn't just cheat. He's bragging about it. I think he's truly sorry that he got caught but he would have never confessed.
> 
> Whether you forgive him or not, you will never forget and it will probably never stop bothering you. If your feelings of insecurity and loss fully transform to anger, you will know if you have it in you to work on things. I don't think you should personally. Sounds like a prostitute which is even worse.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TRey1 (Sep 24, 2012)

It wasn't a prostitute.

He hasn't done anything. What can he do if I don't let him near me? I have blocked his number and made arrangements with his mother for hm to see my son. This is not permanent. I just need space to clear my head. He sent me a long grovelling msg this morning. I have asked him to respectfully leave me alone.

I asked why he didn't delete the message, he said he doesn't even remember sending it. I think he does remember now though. So juvenile. 

I want more than anything to be strong, make peace, forgive and move on. But I don't think I can. I refuse to to be the paranoid girlfriend. I don't want to restrict him. It's not fair on me.

I wouldn't even consider trying without counselling. TBH, I have wanted to go to counselling for over year. Our relationship wasn't great. But neither of us were bad.

I don't really know what I'm looking for on here. Just to know I'm not completely alone.


----------



## TRey1 (Sep 24, 2012)

Oh, and for what it's worth, I think he would have done. Guilt does not sit well with him. But he only would have confessed to make himself feel better.


----------



## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

It sounds like you are a family, but not married. And that alone is fine and good. My aunt and uncle whom I adore and who have had one of the most honest and loving partnerships I seen went a good 15-20 years and 2 daughters before marrying. It wasn't necessary for them. A convention or formality. They eventually made it official for the sake of everyone else. But marriage signifies commitment. It is an outward expression of commitment. Do you want to be married? Does your partner?

More to the point, are you committed to each other?


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

TRey1 said:


> It wasn't a prostitute.
> 
> He hasn't done anything. What can he do if I don't let him near me? I have blocked his number and made arrangements with his mother for hm to see my son. This is not permanent. I just need space to clear my head. He sent me a long grovelling msg this morning. I have asked him to respectfully leave me alone.
> 
> ...


First off you are doing the things that we usually preach and tell people they need to do. Blocking his number and avoiding him give you emotional control and that's good. 
Of course he remembers sending that text. He just forgot to delete it.
You're doing great on the "being strong" part. Making piece, moving on and forgiving are not supposed to be easy though. All of the heavy lifting are on him. Things like transparency and remorse from him will be required if you decide to R. When someone damages your trust then you have no choice but to be the non-trusting partner for a while or get out and no it's not fair to you at all. 

I think you have healthy self respect and that's going to help you get through this. Don't lose that. R is a long road and it's not always possible. If he's not up to the challenge then you shouldn't settle for it.

Good luck. You're not alone. You're doing better than most I think in this scenario. At least it seems like you will be able to either split or R the right way. Too many people don't hold WS accountable enough.


----------



## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

Take your time. Take a lot of time! Take all the time you need. Think things through. You be the one that decides what happens next and when. It sounds like he is remorseful for his actions. That being said you will need to decide what he is remorseful for. Was it getting caught that he is sorry for or is he sorry for his actions and the impact they are having on you and your family. There are many reasons why a WS may all of a sudden show remorse and apologize, it's up to you to decide if they are honorable or not. 

You sound like you would like to forgive him but you are questioning if the pain will ever go away. I can't answer that as my pain is still very raw and in the fore front. All I can say to you is that you need to take the time for yourself to decide what is best for you and your child.

If he is truly remorseful he will acknowledge your request for space and time so that you can sort things out. I would suggest not shutting him out completely though. You may need to get a glimpse from time to time to see how he is reacting. If he seems to stay remorseful you need to gather information to help in your decision. In other words you have to know what he is thinking from time to time before you can make your most informed choice.

This will likely be the most important decision of your life. You owe it to yourself to not rush into anything. You should not make any rash decisions either way until you feel that you are making the correct decision.

Regrets follow us for life. Regardless of your decision to R or separate, just make sure you don't look back a few years later and say you should have "thought about that first"

I wish you all the luck in the world. What you are going through just plain sucks. I am only 3.5 months from finding out about my wife's affair. In some ways it still hurts just as bad today as the day I found out. This is a long process. Do right by yourself!


----------



## TRey1 (Sep 24, 2012)

Thanks for everyone's replies.

I am writing him a (very long) letter. 

He turned up at our house yesterday to see our son. I broke down. I told him he is not to come over without making prior arrangements.

He text me after he left to say he understands my behaviour. Sorry again. He wants to meet somewhere neutral and talk. I can't talk to him without lashing out yet. He says he has questions for me! I told him to write them down and I will look at them when I'm ready.

The writing has helped me immensely. I will probably carry on writing for a long time.

Thanks again.


----------

