# seperated, rejected, now what?



## nenigoat (Oct 8, 2009)

I left my husband because we were fighting way to much and he said he thought nothing was wrong. We have been seperated for 2 months. we have been together for 12 years and been married 8. We have 3 kids 11,8 & 7.

I went back a week after I left to try and work things out with my H and he said NO. He said he didnt want me anymore. He agreeded to go to counsoling with me but didnt show when the date came around.

I found out he was talking to an old friend who is seperated from her husband. I have messages from them to eachother. He says he is crazy for her and Nasty stuff. 2 weeks ago I found him at a motel with her. They were there for 3 hours. He says they were visiting his friend but I saw him turn in the key before they left. He said they were gonna go to a club. I asked her if she screwed my husband and she said no, they r just friends. He has started drinking and partying. 

Part of our problem is financial and another part is him being so self absorbed. Everything has to be worth it for himself. He buys for himself before the kids.

He hasnt given me any money for the kids. I go to school full time and work part time. He hasnt had a job in a year. He doesnt call the kids and has only seen them 4 times since we have been seperated. I'm not keeping them from him, he just doesnt ask for them.

He says our marriage is done and that I walked out on him. I said we need to try and fix it. He says it's over. He also said he isn't friends with the other woman cause she said it was too much drama. I believe they r still talking and he really did cheat on me.

I still love him so much and want to work things out even after he cheated on me. Why do I still want him? He has nothing. He has disrespacted me. It's so hard to not talk to him. I want to call him all the time.

He likes to play games. The other day he sent me picture mail of himself and said "don't u wish u still had me" why would he do that?

I don't understand why he called it quits because I left? I don't understand how he can stop wanting me after 12 years together. Is it because he just turned 30 that he is acting like this? It's like he changed over night!

I need advice!


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

Sometimes, out of fear, we would rather stay with a person that's not healthy for us rather than move on alone. I'm not saying that people shouldn't be forgiven for mistakes but it doesn't sound he's sorry. Actually, it sounds like he used the excuse of you leaving to give himself permission to be selfish and irresponsible. I know you're scared and hurt. Please try care of yourself and your kids right now.


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## nenigoat (Oct 8, 2009)

Thanks Wren! 
I know what you mean about wanting him out of fear. I have been with him since I was 16. Since the seperation I have had to get a job, which I have never had before. I loved staying home with my kids. Now they have to stay at an afterschool program, which they hate. So yes, I am scared. And I know change is good but it is also hard!

The worst part about all this is seeing the kids go through it and not understand. Seeing them hurt. I feel so bad.
This weekend the kids are going with their dad. But I will see them on Saturday and hopfully sunday. He is letting them go to a birthday party with me. 

I am kinda excited to have a weekend off but I also feel bad to not be with them. And I have nothing to do,lol!

Deep down inside I know he is no good for me. He is verbally and emotionally abusive to me and the kids. But he is the father of my kids. 

I am so confused and I wounder why us wemen want these men who have hurt us so badly and who are losers? WHY?


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

It sounds like he is acting this way out of spite because you walked out on him. Something tells me he likes to be in total control. You really should stop contact except where the kids are concerned. The whole picture thing UGH! That so uncool.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

You have taken a great step -

and you know in your heart what you need to do for yourself and your kids

keep on that path

I am sorry to say your H sounds vindictive and mean I am sure that he wasn't always like this or you would not have married him and all people have good and bad - 

he is the children's father and that will always be the case 

but these days thankfully that doesn't mean that wives have to stick around when they are in a bad place

it can be scary starting out on your own - but you are not that 16 year old girl who married this guy - you are a mature woman and mother who can handle things - 

be brave


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## nenigoat (Oct 8, 2009)

Aww, Thanks you guys! You dont know how much it means to get feed back. You know, from people other than my family. 

I am trying! Trying to deal with this, trying to understand, trying to be happy, trying to move on...I will get through this one way or another!

Believe- I totally agree that he is doing this to spite me. But he went WAY to far when he shacked up with that girl.
I am trying so hard not to call him, but I fine excuses to call. 
Whats wrong with me?


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Kick him to the curb, you WILL find a better place for you and the kids.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Nothing wrong with wanting to call him and feeling as though if you reach out you'll make contact - but it's not gonna happen that way...
so it is best to do what you don't want to do - ignore him...
you will need to save those phone calls for legal and financial advice - he may feel like walking away and ignoring you but parenting comes with life long responsibilities ....you've a tough road ahead if on top of a broken heart you have to remind him of those - but you'll do it and guess what it will help you get over him - time for him to grow up....


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Believe said:


> It sounds like he is acting this way out of spite because you walked out on him. Something tells me he likes to be in total control. You really should stop contact except where the kids are concerned. The whole picture thing UGH! That so uncool.


it amazes me that we high-five the woman who "takes control" and moves out and on, yet it seems as though this guy is a bad man when he takes control og\f his life by saying "no thanks" to counseling and draws the line. if she did walk out on him, what's wrong with him saying "now you get what you want", you made your bed, now sleep in it.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

it's not the moving out - it's the picture, it's the fact that he isn't interested in the kids and isn't paying money....why would we 'high -five' that - surely you don't commend that behaviour?


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

It's the fact that he is being immature and spiteful to the one person he is suppose to protect, love and care for. How can he prove his love and commitment acting like an azz? He should be a man and stand up and fight for the relationship. UGH!!!! Instead he is doing nothing but hurting his wife and mother of his child.


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## nenigoat (Oct 8, 2009)

Voi- I left because of the verbal and emotional abuse that was not only happening to me but to the kids also. I didnt just get up and walk out for no reason! What was I supposed to do? He didnt think anything was wrong. He didnt see the harm and damage he was doing. I'm not saying it is all his fault, because I know it takes 2.

I don't want control, and I have never wanted it !

I have tried to talk to him, he doesnt want to talk. I have tried counseling, he doesnt want to go. I have even apologized for not being who he wanted me to be (which he shouldnt have got an apology), he doesnt want any of it. 

Now, I am trying to leave him alone. What am I supposed to do? I need advice. Please be honest! This is SO crazy!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

So you are back at home with kids?
how are they going?
do you have enough money to support yourself?
can family or friends help until you can get some support from him?
Is he working now?
What does he do if he is not working? 
Surely this would mean he;d have lots of opportunities to see kids?
Sorry but it doesn't sound as though he's changed overnight - sounds like this has been building and he's bailed...


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## nenigoat (Oct 8, 2009)

I am back at my parents with our kids. It's weird havnt lived with them since before I got married. But there is so much peace here. 

The kids are doing good. THey don't understand, but they dont really ask questions. My 11 yr old seems to be most affected by all of it.

I have no money, my parents are supporting the kids and I. I only get financial aid and I start working on Monday. Min. wage 10 hours a week. But at least its something.

My family has been my major support all the way around. I have an awesome family. Not worried about being on the streets or anything, just feel bad to not be able to support my kids.

My H is still not working. There is no reason. He should have found something by now...it's been 1 1/2. Way to long. He kinda was comfertable with his unemployment but that has been cut off.

I asked him what his plans were. He said he wants a devorce. So I said well, what r u waiting for/ he said he has no money. i told him the kids and I have been fine without getting any money from him, so when he does decide to give me child support to take the money and go file for a devorce. 

I feel like he has me hanging on the line. Waiting...

During the day he drives around, goes to his Uncles house. IDK what he does. He told my cousin that he goes to titty bars during the day because they r free. so I guess he does that. He plays softball 2 a week and goes to baseball games. On weekends he goes out to clubs and stuff.

He does have alot of time to see the kids, he just chooses not to. He barley even call them. And when he does he makes them feel bad, like why havent u called me. i told him u should be calling them, they shouldnt have to call u!

He just turned 30, is this like a mid life crisis or something?


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

He is way too young to be having a mid-life crisis -
and as I said it sounds like this bad behaviour is habitual not new -
you don't actually sound like you are waiting for him at all - you sound really clear and smart and delaing with things in a practical way...
I agree the kids shouldn't have to call him and he is being a baby if he has a go at them about this - but just be aware that they will be feeling abandoned and rejected just as you are so anything you can do to encourage a relationship between them and their dad will pay off for them...
they like predictability - so perhaps deciding with your husband on a couple of times each week he will and a couple of times each week that they will call him would take the stress out of the sitauation...

glad that you have found some peace with your folks - you and the kids deserve this.

but back to the money side - he has responsibilities - 
it is fine to say you are coping now without him and it would be great if we could be completely free of ties to people who hurt us but it's not really the truth is it?
fact is that you are living with your folks, and the fact is those kids are going to need the financial support of both parents - 
don't let him off the hook with this one... hand it over to the lawyers


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I agree with K.

It's good that your parents are supportive. It will help the kids also.

Keep on the school path..it will benefit you in the long run.


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## nenigoat (Oct 8, 2009)

OK, so it was his weekend this weekend and the kids wanted to come to a bday party with me. So he said yeah.
We agreed he would drop them off at the party and pick them up, it was cool!

He calls me and asks if he could drop them off with me an hour before the party and asked if I could keep them till he got back from whereever he was going. I said NO! I will pick them up when I go to the party and he can pick them up when he gets back, which was supposed to be when the party was over.

So I picked them up. When the party was over I called him, HE HAD HIS PHONE OFF!?!?!?!?! He ended up being gone 6 hours. What a jerk! He picked up the two little ones and didnt pick up my eldest son which was at a church event. He hasnt even called him??? 

What the hell is his problem?

I told him I wont get the kids on his weekend anymore. It sucks cuz they miss out.

I dont think its fair, any of it! Why does he do it to the kids? I want this to be over already! I dont want to have any feeling! I just want to forget it all and move on. But I feel haunted by emotions I dont want!!!:scratchhead:


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Well, it's not fair or responsible 
I think you can see that he is burning his bridges here...
and it will lead to immense regret for him later when his kids don't want to know him - 
but guess what - aint your problem anymore

so you pretty much know you can't rely on this guy for anything at the moment...and we have to assume into the future...


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

He's behaving as if he's a child. 

He has a OW soooo he's busy with her and having fun. Forget responsbilities! 

Protect yourself and kids at all cost (legally and financially). Don't worry about him. He's lost and may not come around for along time.

Take care of yourse.f


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## nenigoat (Oct 8, 2009)

So does anyone know how much a devorce will be? I want to wait for him to file, but I heard it would be better if I did. 

I am writing everything down so I have back up. Is there anything in perticular I should be writing???

My daughter called and said she wanted to come home. She was at a chunthie party with my husband. She said she had a head ache. I talked to my husband and he said he will deal with it, she'll be fine. Wish she was with me so I could take care of her


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I don't think it matters who files first. If you don't care..then let him. Sometimes....they come around if you are willing to be patient and take the time. If you don't care to than that's another story.

Uncontested divorces are cheaper than contested. If you can agree on custody and division of assets before divorce you can save a great deal. Sometimes...by doing it yourself or with minimal help you can really save.


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## nenigoat (Oct 8, 2009)

I dont want to be the one who files, so I will wait on him to.

Do you think it's to soon to do the whole devorce thing? I just want this to end. I would love to fix things but he doesnt want to so why drag it out?


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

nenigoat said:


> Voi- I left because of the verbal and emotional abuse that was not only happening to me but to the kids also. I didnt just get up and walk out for no reason! What was I supposed to do? He didnt think anything was wrong. He didnt see the harm and damage he was doing. I'm not saying it is all his fault, because I know it takes 2.


verbal and emotional abuse is so hard, because you can't see the scars. so, sure he didn't see the damage he was doing. you know, would he consider anger control classes? because so much of that verbal and emotional abuse comes from anger.




nenigoat said:


> I have tried to talk to him, he doesnt want to talk. I have tried counseling, he doesnt want to go. I have even apologized for not being who he wanted me to be (which he shouldnt have got an apology), he doesnt want any of it.


YOU apologized?



nenigoat said:


> Now, I am trying to leave him alone. What am I supposed to do? I need advice. Please be honest! This is SO crazy!


again, anger control could wake him up to the root of his abuse.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

nenigoat: Only you know the details and the facts that you and your children have endured abuse is a major factor.

If he isn't doing anything to help himself. Leave him alone for now and work on yourself. Do what you need to do to protect yourself. That is one thing that I have learned..you can't make a person change or want you.


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## nenigoat (Oct 8, 2009)

So how do I help myself?

Yes Voi, I apologized! I dont know why I wanted him back. I wanted to fix things. But it didnt work. I guess I was just scared.
He does need anger managment, but he is in denial. 

I had a great weekend. He had the kids so I went out. It was so much fun. I kinda know why he doesnt want me back, he must be having alot of fun. But whatever it only lasts for a little while then ur back to reality.

He was talking crap to me because I only have a part time job. I told him at least I have a job. What a jerk! I have a job and I go to school full time and support the kids, while he does NOTHING!
He tries to put me down even when there is nothing he can put me down with. 

I am leaving him alone. im not even gonna call him today! Screw him!!!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You help yourself in many ways:

1. Gain healthy support (friends/family/counselor/pastor)
2. Gain insight (self help books/internet/journal/counselor)
3. Gain legal advice (usually attorneys have a free consult-call)
4. If you need to get temporary orders of support. He's the dad and is required to contribute financially. He chooses not to work or doesn't want to isn't your problem.

Just some ideas...

You are smart...leave him alone.


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## nenigoat (Oct 8, 2009)

Ok so I didnt call or text him yesterday, YAY!
Today he gets the kids, I will try not to call. Lets see if he calls me for anything!
My son is so upset that he has to go with his dad. He needs time with him I think but his dad treats him like crap!

CW-what is temporary orders of support?


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

nenigoat said:


> Yes Voi, I apologized! I dont know why I wanted him back. I wanted to fix things. But it didnt work. I guess I was just scared.
> He does need anger managment, but he is in denial.
> 
> I had a great weekend. He had the kids so I went out. It was so much fun. I kinda know why he doesnt want me back, he must be having alot of fun. But whatever it only lasts for a little while then ur back to reality.
> ...


nothing wrong with wanting to fix things, but you have nothing to apologize for, best as i can tell.

the making fun thing for having a part-time job...he's immature. he has lots of growing up to do, but you know that.

put downs too are a form of abuse, rooted again most likely in anger. he may have court ordered anger control in his future. i just hope it's not as a result of physical violence. keep your eyes opened. God bless.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Temporary orders of support-I don't have the legaleze but it means that while separated the spouse is ordered by judgement to support his kids (financial).

You have to do this legally. In many cases, you H might say he can't afford or doesn't have a job to the judge. It doesn't matter. If he is able to work then he will need to be responsible. There is no reason why he can't contribute!!!


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## nenigoat (Oct 8, 2009)

am I jumping to conclusions? Is being seperated 2 months to short of a time to decide I want a devorce? 

Am I just pissed off right now and will eventually get over it?

My friend says it's still new and alot can happen. This is all just crazy! I know what i feel but will my feelings change? Will I want him back?

I dont want to eat my words, is that bad> Am I being stuburn?

I want the truth!


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## nenigoat (Oct 8, 2009)

So my H took my van. I now have no transportation to get the kids to/from school, toget me to/from work or school or anywhere! He also took the internet off my phone. Why does he have to have so much control???


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Get to a lawyer or legal aid to know your rights. 

He doesn't care about anyone but himself at this point. 

Protect yourself.


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## nenigoat (Oct 8, 2009)

Eww, i know, but that all sound scary, LOL! 
I mean lawyer, it so seriouse. And I bet it costs alot of money, which I dont have!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

This is something that you are going to have to work out. Either ways of borrowing money to get legal help or accessing a free service. It sounds serious because it is. You have a serious battle on your hands and he will look after himself. When we say protect yourself we mean it.


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