# Never had Sex



## Rubylou (Apr 17, 2014)

I have a confession. I have been married for three and a half years. My husband and I have a sexless marriage. In fact, we are both virgins. 
My husband is desperate to have sex, but as the years go by, my level of interest declines. My husband and I first met eight years ago. Originally, there was chemistry and there was a spark. We were in university at the time. He was living in a shared dorm room and I still lived at home with my parents. Needless to say, anytime we wanted to have true 'alone' time, we had to get creative (i.e. empty lecture halls, hallways, quiet library corner, etc.). Definitely not the most romantic scenes (especially when your professor walks in on you on his desk in the empty lecture hall). We used to have fun, but never sex. We mutually decided to wait to have sex until after marriage.
So since then, we moved in together, gotten engaged, gotten married, and in all this time resentments have grown and our love life has died. 
My problem is, is that I don't know how to let him into my space bubble. He has done some things in the past that have really hurt me, and instinctively I prefer to keep him at arms length. There was a truly low point in our relationship, where he didn't respect me. With foreplay he was very, very rough. I've watched him masturbate, and sometimes he gets really rough with himself. So much so that between roughness and frequency he gives himself a friction rash. He used to use that same kind of vigor on my lady parts 'repeatidly' and after being told and shown was I like and don't like. He also went through this stage where he would constantly and out of nowhere, grab and squeeze my boob, butt, crotch, whatever he could get fastest to, while I wasn't paying attention. Didn't matter if we were at home or in public. During this same time period I would wake up in the middle of the night to him grabbing at my breasts or him having his hand down my pants. He would also shove his fingers up my vag with zero lubrication. 

We have worked on issues surrounding boundaries and space, but I don't know how to trust him in an intimate setting. The past couple years of intimate life for me have been painful not pleasureful. I want to have an intimate life with someone who I know will take care of me, not hurt me. 

These days I try to talk to him about the importance of foreplay and romance. All I get is "I don't do romance," and him randomly walking up to me in the evening, sticking his **** in my face, and asking if "Maximus" can have a hand job/blow job.

I understand he has needs, but I feel like he just doesn't/isn't willing to comprehend that I have needs too. So after almost four years of marriage, we're still virgins lost in a tit-for-tat and I have no idea how to fix the situation. If anyone has any ideas, I sure would appreciate them.


----------



## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

All the other, unusual factors of your relationship are much too complex for me to understand. So how about just telling Maximus:

"OK, Here you go." Remember whatever warm feelings you used to harbor for him, and do your best. Then announce, "Maximus, there's more where that came from if you can learn the art of reciprocation."

So you'll cave in first. Someones' gotta. Write it off to investing in your future.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Counselling. You guys need to get some of your issues out in front of a third party who can help you work through them.

If you can't do that, get a divorce and move on. 

C


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Well, first off, how old are you guys and do you want to stay married to him? Reading between the lines of your post I was getting the message that you do not. Does he want to stay married?

Of course you deserve to be treated as you wish to be treated. Also his frustration level must be extreme at this point. I wonder if this isn't playing into his roughness. 

Had you intended to have sex on your wedding night or honeymoon? What happened to turn this into a 3.5 year delay?


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

On second thought - after reading enough information on this board about sexual mismatches... It's pretty much an irreconcilable difference, that much of a divide between sex drives. Resentment is certainly one thing but you say you have little interest in sex and its getting less.

In all honesty it would probably be best to cut losses and repartner.


----------



## Rubylou (Apr 17, 2014)

MissScarlett said:


> Well, first off, how old are you guys and do you want to stay married to him? Reading between the lines of your post I was getting the message that you do not. Does he want to stay married?
> 
> Of course you deserve to be treated as you wish to be treated. Also his frustration level must be extreme at this point. I wonder if this isn't playing into his roughness.
> 
> Had you intended to have sex on your wedding night or honeymoon? What happened to turn this into a 3.5 year delay?


We both want to stay married. Neither of us can picture life without the other. Outside of the sex realm we are happy. Our personalities are closely matched, we enjoy each others company, and we function in our marriage as a team. 

We are both in our late twenties. Lately, I attribute his actions to extreme frustration. However, this roughness I wrote of began happening when we were intimate on a regular basis and just stuck. It's as if he completely zones into the enjoyment he gets out of pleasuring me, and gets rougher and rougher, loosing awareness of how it's affecting me. 

When we got married, we didn't have a honeymoon. As students, we were paying for the wedding ourselves. We didn't have the money for both wedding and honeymoon. So after our wedding reception, we went back to our crappy apartment and settled back into our usual routine. Easier to settle into routine than face an unknown I guess.


----------



## Rubylou (Apr 17, 2014)

MissScarlett said:


> On second thought - after reading enough information on this board about sexual mismatches... It's pretty much an irreconcilable difference, that much of a divide between sex drives. Resentment is certainly one thing but you say you have little interest in sex and its getting less.
> 
> In all honesty it would probably be best to cut losses and repartner.


In all honesty, in the beginning I had a higher sex drive. That's how he got me into messin' around with him in really awkward and gross places. In hindsight, I think we did each other a disservice. Two virgins, plus I was my husband's first girlfriend. I've cut him a TON of slack over the years... but when you're dealing with the same issues eight years later (i.e. "you work in a trade!! You come home sweaty and stinky! Would it kill you to take a shower??? Would it kill you to brush your teeth more than once a month??) I started feeling like the mother of a 16 year old... and that's simply not sexy. LoL


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Ummm... I am speechless. You do not have a marriage. Honestly, I don't know what this is.

My advice: Annulment. You haven't consummated the marriage. Separate yourselves legally. And if you two truly can't live apart, then continue living together as friends and roommates.

I don't mean to be harsh, but your story is bizarre, and frankly hard to believe.

And get yourselves to counselors as quickly as you can. Not marriage counseling, INDIVIDUAL counseling, whether or not you remain married. Your story is FAR outside the parameters of "normal."


----------



## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

LonelyGirl123 said:


> I've been lurking here for a while, trying to get the courage to tell my story and get some advice. And I've read enough stories here to know that 5 simple words describe your story:
> 
> Troll, troll, troll, troll, troll.


Thought the same thing myself...


----------



## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

That first awkward kiss


----------

