# Sorry about the rerun (resuscitating sexless marriage)



## samequestiondifferentword (Apr 29, 2016)

I've been sorting through posts for advice, but not finding exact situation?I know my situation is a bit of a repeat, so please forgive me if there's already a thread addressing this:
(Short form) 
1. Has anybody ever successfully helped their LD spouse overcome their difficulties? Or am I just kidding myself? 
2. We've been trying that godawful scheduled sex/appointments advice, and frankly, it's making me feel worse. He leaves for work, and I spend the day crying. Is there any way to not take your spouse's disinterest personally? How do you separate the need for emotional connection/spontaneity from the mechanics? 

(Long form, in case you need more info) 
My husband (41) and I (39) have been together for 20 years. (Our kids are leaving for college this fall.) We've had good years, wonderful years, and downright awful ones. We've been both kind and cruel to each other. Neither one of us is innocent. About 5 years ago, he stopped wanting sex with me?we've only had it 8 times since 2011. We've been through counseling; neither of us is currently having an affair; he's just not interested. Last month I finally found a way to talk to him about it?he's always brushed me off before?because I don't think we'll survive the upcoming empty nest if we don't find a way to address the problem. I've given him countless escape clauses, but he says he wants to stay married. If there is any way to avoid it, I don't want to leave, either. His problem, he says, is that he's developed a neurosis about having sex with me?it makes him feel like he's been busted by a bill collector after ignoring an account for too long. (Or paying a pittance toward an insurmountable bill.) (For my part, I've asked him to please find a different simile?being compared to a debt collector doesn't do wonders for the self-esteem.)

I've tried the superficial stuff from outfits to toys to scheduling vacations and weekend getaways; he says they didn't work because he saw them coming and it stressed him more. He had a problem a decade ago with online porn/web sex (e.g., finding women in chat rooms and having mutual masturbation sessions. I caught him when he met with one IRL. See also: downright awful years, above), so I couldn't help but wonder if he were doing that again, but I'm 99% positive he is telling the truth about not being interested in that, either. (I've learned that no matter how much you trust a person, it's foolish to not reserve some doubt.) Long story short, he feels that the only way to get past his issues is to "treat it like a job" and schedule appointments with me to get it over with and maybe even start to enjoy it, because he says once he gets started, he likes it. 

And each time makes me feel like garbage. He's enthusiastic, but his approach reminds me of a sailor boarding a ship to war: grim determination, stiff upper lip, forced humor. No foreplay, just business. When he can't get erect (because who could, with that outlook?), he stops touching me, and I'm left trying to decide between encouraging him to just use his hands or go get dressed. Quite bluntly, it has all the romance of a pap smear. 

I love him. He's my best friend. I don't want to separate or divorce. Emotionally, it's because I still love him and I'm ?we're?ridiculously stubborn. Pragmatically, it's because it would screw me so hard financially that neither of us would recover. (I'm talking genuine homelessness or welfare, not just inconvenient couch-surfing. I also have a disability that prevents me from working full-time, but that's not the reason he's reluctant to touch me or end it. I honestly can't figure out his reasons.) But there has to be something other than the options of misery or divorce. We've come back from awful before; I just don't know how to approach this particular cycle of awful.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

"About 5 years ago he stopped wanting sex with me."

"He had a problem a decade ago with online porn/web sex (e.g., finding women in chat rooms and having mutual masturbation sessions. I caught him when he met with one IRL. See also: downright awful years, above), so I couldn't help but wonder if he were doing that again."


Well, well, well. A guy his age with no medical issues should be wanting sex from his wife. Thing is, sounds like he just took his porn or hookups underground. 

Was there any consiquences for his cheating?

How do you know he's not still cheating?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

It makes me sad to see someone so committed to loving their partner be rejected like this. I can sympathize with your struggle...


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

He sounds really UPTIGHT!
Can you get him a bottle of wine before sex? Anything to relax him.


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## sscygni (Apr 13, 2016)

Sex therapist? It sounds like he has guilt issues that he needs to work through..


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

There are a LOT of HD/LD posts on here, but what your situation seems to boil down to is that you've made sex into a chore for him. There's no pleasure in it for him anymore.

Do some exploration of the reason he is no longer interested in sex with you, with a neutral counsellor if he won't talk to you.

Is something affecting him medically? Low testosterone, side effects of medication, etc?

Is he getting sexual satisfaction elsewhere? Back into porn use, cheating, masturbation, etc?

Has he lost attraction to you? Have you let yourself go over the course of the marriage, gained weight, stopped caring about your appearance, become a nag, etc? And remember, it's his perception that matters, not necessarily reality.

Meanwhile, do what you can to take the pressure off him. Stop scheduling anything specific, but leave blank spots in your schedule for spare time to just spend together. Take an interest in him, his hobbies, being together in non sexual ways, and then introduce sexual activity designed for HIS pleasure and not putting demands on him to do anything for you. See if you can give hm oral without any expectation of reciprocity.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

samequestiondifferentword said:


> ...he stopped wanting sex with me?we've only had it 8 times since 2011.


I would insist that he gets a full hormonal blood test done to make sure that's not impacting his drive.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

wantshelp said:


> I would insist that he gets a full hormonal blood test done to make sure that's not impacting his drive.


or that he isn't getting it from porn or someone else. Or other medication is killing his libido.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

samequestiondifferentword said:


> I've been sorting through posts for advice, but not finding exact situation?I know my situation is a bit of a repeat, so please forgive me if there's already a thread addressing this:
> (Short form)
> 1. Has anybody ever successfully helped their LD spouse overcome their difficulties? Or am I just kidding myself?
> 2. We've been trying that godawful scheduled sex/appointments advice, and frankly, it's making me feel worse. He leaves for work, and I spend the day crying. Is there any way to not take your spouse's disinterest personally? How do you separate the need for emotional connection/spontaneity from the mechanics?



*1. Has anybody ever successfully helped their LD spouse overcome their difficulties? Or am I just kidding myself? *

I would consider myself a success. But I am a husband with a wife that has a challenging/ambiguous libido to contend with, so I view the situation from the opposite gender. 

*If you do one thing and only one thing, focus on building both your and your husband's self confidence.* DO NOT get upset with him for giving you duty sex! Do absolutely anything you can to make it enjoyable for yourself AND easy for your husband to please you. Get him to improve his technique and extend foreplay through COMPLIMENTS and not CRITICISM. 

If he has problems maintaining an erection or climaxing, PLAYFULLY TEASE HIM in a way that makes failure into a success. Tell him he is NOT allowed to climax and that you want to see if he can go for a few days without orgasm while at the same time trying to maintain a schedule of having sex with you. This way if he can't climax, he will build arousal and start noticing you A LOT more (BIG WIN!). If he can climax both of you will enjoy that (BIG WIN!)!

*NOTE:* You should actually never encourage your husband to force himself to climax when he is not in the mood. You should instead encourage him to allow his arousal to build and only orgasm when he is unable to stop it from happening. Otherwise a forced orgasm will degrade his experience with you and continue to make sex unappealing.


*2. We've been trying that godawful scheduled sex/appointments advice, and frankly, it's making me feel worse. He leaves for work, and I spend the day crying. Is there any way to not take your spouse's disinterest personally? How do you separate the need for emotional connection/spontaneity from the mechanics? *

Scheduled sex can be VERY HELPFUL, but scheduled orgasms can indeed be HARMFUL. Be playful with asking him to avoid orgasms as I described above. This allows for close intimacy but does not force pleasure. You have to allow pleasure to occur spontaneously, but you can playfully encourage it AND it is important to practice/learn how to build your confidence in playfully encouraging pleasure to present itself.


*MASTURBATION???*

I'm including this topic as to improve your sexual intimacy with each other, you should be very aware and accepting of each other's masturbation habits. Ask your husband if there is anything you could do to help encourage him to think of you when he masturbates? In my opinion this may very well be THE FIRST STEP to focus on in rekindling sparks. You should do the same for him and tell him what you need to help you enjoy fantasizing about him when you masturbate. The two of you should discuss and encourage this with one another. Then if possible you should even masturbate for each other, demonstrating to each other what your idea of a superior experience is for yourself and himself. 

My wife believes masturbation is a sin, but she accepts that I need her more than she needs me. I have now built up enough confidence in her that she indirectly participates in my self exploration by playfully encouraging me in various ways. She once jumped on top of me with her vibrator before she left on a trip and had multiple orgasms while I was not allowed to have any. She then handed me her vibrator and told me to use it any way I wanted to think about her while she was away! OM-freaking-G that made our time apart fun!

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If the last paragraph above describes an "ambiguous / challenging" LD I can't wait for what the "average" looks like 

OP, the answer is communication and honesty and treating root causes. If you don't know what you're dealing with, it's not going to be fun.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Divorce would be the best answer.

If you seriously cannot do this (which seems implausible, but for the sake of argument) then you must learn to accept that your marriage will never be what you want.

In that environment, your wants are the problem, and the thing you must address.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

no I know of no one who has over come the ld/hd issues.

but i guess theres always a first 

good luck


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> no I know of no one who has over come the ld/hd issues.
> 
> but i guess theres always a first
> 
> good luck


It's possible if there is either an epiphany or a trump card like significant reduction in lifestyle if dumped... Counseling helps in the first case and a good lawyer on the second.


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