# need advice please!!!



## uptic (Sep 6, 2011)

So here goes. Been married for 20 years have three kids left in the house and the marriage is getting unbearable. Very early on I made rude comments about other women and had a roving eye for quite some time. This of course instilled a lack of trust on my wife's part which was made even worse by some rather large lies on my part. I have not had an affair but the lies have been biggies. This friction has caused a lot of bad feelings that we just can't seem to shake. She does not trust me around any woman that she perceives to be immodestly dressed, shorts, swimsuits, cleavage, etal. She insists that she screens any movies we watch to make sure there isn't any of that. Our religous views are different - she is rather fundemental and dogmatic, I am not. Granted I have not treated her very well over the years, I have been verbally abusive and have deceived her. 

So my question is this. I know deep down that divorce is probably the best but I just do not have the guts to leave my kids. I have tried and it was a disaster. Please can anyone offer advice as to where to find the guts to just end it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What were the big lies about? Explain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## uptic (Sep 6, 2011)

The big lies were about money and I would lie about work duties that would take me our of town. I would wait till the last minute to avoid the conflict that would come due to the insecurity about women.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ya...that's pretty major. If you are done then file and don't string her along. Get help or theray to find out why you thought it was ok to verbally abuse her and why you lied about such major things to your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

I say divorce her and give her her freedom and in time maybe she can have some peace of mind or seek some counselling and work your butt off to prove that you will and can change. 

By staying married in a marriage such as you describe you are screwing up your kids and their perception of what is normal. You are both showing them great dysfunction and they may repeat your patterns. 

Are you sorry that you've lived this way? Do you want to change? If you want to change, what are you willing to do?

If your wife came here and posted this story about you, most people would tell her to divorce you and not look back.


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## uptic (Sep 6, 2011)

thanks for the honesty. We have seen numerous counselors and are in counseling now, but it just seems like there is too much to overcome. 

So how do you leave when the kids want you to stay?


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

There is never too much to overcome... just means you have to work harder and longer on the marriage... as does your spouse. It all depends on you both...and the decision you make together. There is always hope.

If you cannot... set her free...if she cannot... set her free. 

The children, depending on their age, will come to learn how cope and deal with the whole situation. If you are able please use the resources of a child psychologist to help them through the process. They are invaluable to helping you explain the situation in a manner that the age groups can understand.

Best Wishes


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

What would you do if your wife had made comments about other men's bodies? Were you just kidding or did you really mean what you said? 
Have you tried separating for awhile? My H and I were separated for most of last year..while it was painful, it really opened up both of our eyes to a lot of issues we fought about, and what was really important.
I'm sure it would be heart wrenching to have to leave your kids..are they old enough to understand the situation?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

uptic said:


> Please can anyone offer advice as to where to find the guts to just end it.


uptic,

Guts are only required to stay and work things out. That would mean putting your wife and kid's well being ahead of your own. All you need to end it is to keep on putting yourself first and it will end by itself


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