# he went to a full nude strip club



## MySide (Nov 11, 2016)

So, I was on here about a year ago. My husband cheated on me two years ago, then almost a year after that was still searching craigslist for a "friend". And then there were emails to a "russian" woman (they were spam). Then earlier this year? (I can't even remember anymore, I'm so stressed) there was the ad that he posted on craigslist for a threesome cause he thought I wanted one. I've been a wreck ever since. Everytime he uses his phone I start to stress. Sex is just awful because I can't relax most of the time now because in one of our arguments he told me that I should fake an orgasm if I can't have one. I rarely had a problem having one before, but now I just can't make it happen so that's stressful. 

Last Saturday he went to a concert that was 2 1/2 hours away. He said some guys from work were going. He never once asked me if I wanted to go. I kind of get that. I'm a major introvert and a lot of stuff like that makes me anxious and uncomfortable. I know it's probably wrong, but on very rare occasions when something doesn't feel right I will check his history on his phone through google. Something told me to check that night. I noticed he had searched yellow pages for adult entertainment in the town he was going to a few days before. So, just for kicks, I checked his credit card online (yes, I am a horrible not trusting wife) . There is a charge for $110 and $90 and two $10 cash advance fees to a full nude strip club on there. Guess I don't have to feel guilty about charging a $5 movie rental on my card anymore............. 

So, I don't know anything at all about strip clubs, but I've been looking this one up. $20 to get in it seems. It appears that they don't serve alcohol so he wasn't buying that. I'ts a full nude club. so he must have spent most of that 200 on the dancers. They have couch dances for 20, bed dances for 30, or private 15 minute dances for 150. Should i confront him on this?

I just don't know what to do anymore.... I know I shouldn't have been looking, but I would have found it anyway. I've been keeping track of how much we have on our cards because we're trying to get out of debt and I was going to update that list this week anyway so I would have noticed it on there. I don't usually check his stuff. I just get these feelings sometimes and every time I've had one when I've checked I've been right.

It just makes me so hurt that he would go and spend money at a strip club when he didn't even buy me a 40th bday present last month. A $1 can of pop would have even worked!!! He will buy his co workers lunch and breakfast all the time, buy his co worker a box of diapers and a 3 pack of wipes for the baby the guys wife just had, but he won't buy me a birthday present! This little trip of his cost almost $350. 

Do I say something or just let it go?


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

You're not wrong to check up on your spouse IMO. There should be full transparency. That said he sounds like a real jerk spending money on strippers but not on you. He's already cheated on you, paying strippers for nude entertainment isn't cheating but it's pretty darn close to cheating. I'd leave my wife if she went to a strip club. 
Can you live like this forever? Because he can.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Your husband has repeatedly shown you that he could care less about you. 

Why are you still with him putting up with the bull****?


What have you done in the two years since he cheated to prepare for divorce? 

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## dawnabon (Mar 11, 2017)

Yeah I'd say something. "I want a divorce." 

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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

So I don't feel the strip club is the issue, but his consideration of you is. I've never had a problem with strip clubs. The fact that he does more for co-workers and friends than you concerns me. Doing things without you is ok as long as you have that understanding, but it's like he's avoiding you to do selfish things on his own.

Do you regret staying with him after the cheating? How did you guys reconcile? it doesn't seem like he's treating you as he should even now. I would take steps to divorce unless you see some redeemable value in the situation/him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why are you with him when it's obvious he doesn't care about you?

If you're going to stay then you're going to have to accept this is who he is because he's not interested in changing. He likes his life the way it is.


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## MySide (Nov 11, 2016)

It's not easy. We've been married for over 18 years, together for 22. We have three kids, the youngest is 5. I've been a stay at home mom for over 14 years. I have no job, no job skills, no money to get those job skills. We have too much debt to get a loan to go back to school. Just barely making it each week. Which is why it ticks me off that he spent so much on this. I did attempt to fill out an application for a substitute teacher's assistant, but couldn't finish it. They want 3 professional references. I literally know no one. I might be able to get 1, but that's it. And that one doesn't even have anything to do with the job I'd be applying for, not even in the same category. I haven't worked in over 14 years. I don't even have any personal references. I have no friends and very little family. I did open up my own checking/savings account earlier this year. When my grandfather died last year I got a little money from him (just over $1000 - my husband doesn't know about this). I put that in there and I started to put some money that I could get (birthday money from his mom) in there. I'll keep trying to do that. 

We've tried talking before. It never seems to help. Honestly, I'm still extremely hurt over our last conversation/argument. That was the one where he told me I should fake it if I can't orgasm. I should want to fake it for him because I should want to make him feel manly or something??? I don't remember. Then he told me that he felt I was never doing 50% of sex. Sex should be 50/50 and I guess hadn't been doing my share during sex. Ever. In the 17 years (at the time) we had been married I had never done my fair share in the bedroom. Kinda thought I had, I mean I don't exactly just lay there and I often do things I'm not even comfortable with and honestly don't like in order to please him. He wants more sex all the time. I get that, he's a male. I thought we were doing better honestly. I was trying more, it was happening more, but apparently its not enough. And it's not adventurous enough. I've done the car wash sex. I wore the stupid vibrating panties in public to a restaurant, what more does he want! He wants more and for me to do the initiating. Thats not me, especially if I feel he doesn't want me or love me. Maybe if he'd stop looking at porn he might settle down a bit. I've been trying to initiate it more. Lately, the only way we have sex is if I'm the one to start it first. And I'm am not comfortable with that. But I try. I've been trying more positions because he mentioned that. I don't know what else I can do! I've told him that too. Most of the time I don't think about sex. I've got non stop bladder infection symptoms (I think it might be Interstitial cystitis but I've never gotten it checked out). I have constant pain in my shoulder (shoulder impingement maybe? again - no money to get it checked out). I'm tired all the time and cold all the time as well ( someone mentioned maybe I have a thyroid problem). Sex is not the first thing on my mind. If he wants it more, HE needs to initiate it more. He hasn't. 

There's just no where for me to go. My mom is the only family member that I still talk to. She lives in a tiny one bedroom in a senior / disabled apartment building that is currently infested with bed bugs. We have too much debt. Even selling the houses (we have one in another town we're renting out because it didn't sell) wouldn't cover the debt. How do you get a job with no references and no skills??


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Okay, first off, you are not a bad wife for checking upon your cheating husband. It is normal for you to do that. You don't trust him. You shouldn't trust him. He is not trustworthy.

I know that in my area nursing homes have trouble finding CNAs so they will pay for the educational requirement in exchange for an employee staying at the job for a certain amount of time. I recommend you look into that. It's not fun work and is demanding, but it can be very rewarding to care for people who are unable to care for themselves. It is an important service to care for those who need care.

You need to develop positive, healthy relationships and you need your own income so you can make a break from your husband. Your life doesn't have to be miserable.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

So you have all that debt and he's still blowing $$ on strippers? Holy Crap!!!

Cynthia is spot on--you need an exit strategy here. This will never get better; it will only put you deeper and deeper into a hole, making it harder and harder for you to get out of. Every day you wait is a day of ever increasing misery and ever increasing difficulty in extracting yourself from that misery. 

Fortunately, the labor market is currently improving. Even my unskilled 21 year old daughter who chose to forgo college has employment adequate to support herself and have a little left over. 

Lawyer time.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Regarding your question about bringing it up to him, I wouldn't bother. It won't make any difference. You'll only feel worse after the argument. Let it go and move on with your life. Make a plan. Stop thinking there is nothing you can do. You are neither helpless nor hopeless. There are many things you can do and now is the time to start working on them.

First thing is to find a job. Try the CNA thing and try grocery stores. You have to start somewhere. It's going to be okay, but only if you make the effort to change your life for the better. This isn't only about you. This is about your kids.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Think about it this way: Lets say he told you - "I'm going to pay for strippers, maybe have sex with hookers, cheat with other women, and generally treat you poorly". What would you do? 

I think you need to get into a position where you are not dependent on him. I know that is very difficult to do, but at the moment you are essentially powerless. There is nothing you can do to stop him.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

MySide said:


> Most of the time I don't think about sex. I've got non stop bladder infection symptoms (I think it might be Interstitial cystitis but I've never gotten it checked out).


I do not have much to add to what's already been mentioned by others....do what you must to get out of your crappy marriage. However, I will encourage you to see a doctor about your UTIs even if it means using a credit card to pay for the visit. 

Interstitial Cystitis symptoms get progressively worse if left untreated. First it's the mystery UTI's with no bacterial cause. Then it's the really painful sex. Then it's the pelvic pain that makes walking impossible. Once diagnosed, I.C. treatment can be something as simple as a change in diet. I would hate for you to suffer needlessly because your husband is a loser. This is my PSA as someone with I.C. 




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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

uhtred said:


> Think about it this way: Lets say he told you - "I'm going to pay for strippers, maybe have sex with hookers, cheat with other women, and generally treat you poorly". What would you do?
> 
> I think you need to get into a position where you are not dependent on him. I know that is very difficult to do, but at the moment you are essentially powerless. There is nothing you can do to stop him.


I agree. Unless you make a serious effort to change your own life, things will continue to get worse. You are allowing a dishonest, unloving man to dictate what happens in your life as everything falls down around you. Stop right now. Look up and find hope. You can find a job, but you will have to look until you find it. Don't give up after one application. Keep going. That is not the only job out there. Again I encourage you to look into becoming a CNA.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

First, don't have anymore kids. Make sure that can't happen. 

Second, either make it a healthy relationship and be able to talk to him about this stuff or work on an exit plan. Your young kids and no work history/skills really traps you. You need family to help you out.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Here's another idea. Volunteering is a great way to get out and meet people as well as lending a helping hand. You gain skills, friends, and references. You might also get some hope from getting out of the house and finding that you have value.

Edit to add: Volunteer experience is a type of work experience, so you would be gaining skills along with making positive connections.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear MySide;

You have gotten great advice. Figure out how to gain happiness in your life and fill it with positive outcomes. Don't isolate yourself from friends and family by just focusing on your nuclear family. Get a Life, do things that provide you with happiness and a sense of joy and pride in yourself. These things don't need to cost a lot of money. 

As a stay at home mom with a 5 year old go for walks with your child. Train for a couch to 5 K charity walk/run. Take your 5 year old to a local school track and have her play in the center of the track while you run along the outside of the track or have her run with you a little and then walk across the field to the other side of the track so she is waiting for you after you have lapped her position.

Then figure out some career options as your 5 year old will soon be in school and you will have a lot more free time to do things.

Finally, you need to learn how to set boundaries with your husband on what you will or will not accept from him. Obviously cheating is not acceptable. If you are struggling to get by financially week to week and have hidden emergency money of $1000 in a separate checking account he doesn't know about there are real financial issues going on between the two of you and you both need to change. He especially should not be blowing hundreds of dollars on strippers and concert/event tickets. 

While some don't like it the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace program has helped many couples and is often available for free or low cost at many churches.

Good luck to you. You can control and improve your own destiny.


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## MySide (Nov 11, 2016)

I'm looking at all the jobs available right now and it's so hard. I'm extremely shy and a major introvert with social anxiety issues. The only jobs I'm going to have any shot at are ones like Goodwill or McDonalds (and even they didn't want to hire me 15 years ago when I was smarter and younger). There's nothing wrong with those places at all, but places like that want you to work nights and weekends and that can't be done having young kids. I'd never see them. The thought of being around all those people makes me want to vomit  Wish I could just find a job where I could work from home or one when there's not a lot of people around. I'll keep checking though maybe something will pop up. I'm going on a field trip with one of the kids this month so that will get me out of the house and around people. I only get out of the house once or twice a week tops, when I have to. I just don't like being around a lot of people.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

MySide said:


> I'm looking at all the jobs available right now and it's so hard. I'm extremely shy and a major introvert with social anxiety issues. The only jobs I'm going to have any shot at are ones like Goodwill or McDonalds (and even they didn't want to hire me 15 years ago when I was smarter and younger). There's nothing wrong with those places at all, but places like that want you to work nights and weekends and that can't be done having young kids. I'd never see them. The thought of being around all those people makes me want to vomit  Wish I could just find a job where I could work from home or one when there's not a lot of people around. I'll keep checking though maybe something will pop up. I'm going on a field trip with one of the kids this month so that will get me out of the house and around people. I only get out of the house once or twice a week tops, when I have to. I just don't like being around a lot of people.


You are setting up your own obstacles. 
How about a night janitor job? You can sleep while the kids are at school.
It's your choice. You can continue to live like you are or you can make changes that will improve your lot in life.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

MySide said:


> I'm looking at all the jobs available right now and it's so hard. I'm extremely shy and a major introvert with social anxiety issues. The only jobs I'm going to have any shot at are ones like Goodwill or McDonalds (and even they didn't want to hire me 15 years ago when I was smarter and younger). There's nothing wrong with those places at all, but places like that want you to work nights and weekends and that can't be done having young kids. I'd never see them. The thought of being around all those people makes me want to vomit  Wish I could just find a job where I could work from home or one when there's not a lot of people around. I'll keep checking though maybe something will pop up. I'm going on a field trip with one of the kids this month so that will get me out of the house and around people. I only get out of the house once or twice a week tops, when I have to. I just don't like being around a lot of people.


How about some side hustles too:

online surveys
focus groups
secret shopping
can you write articles, some sites pay by the article
copywriting, proofreading

have you looked at sites like fiverr? upwork? 

how about learning how to do web design then you can work from home? there are lots of free online courses
are you graphically inclined? do you think you could design someone's logo? 

restaurant work? 
hostess? 
my friend used to do a side gig working in a pop up swarovski booth during the holiday season for some extra cash


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

growing_weary said:


> How about some side hustles too:
> 
> online surveys
> focus groups
> ...


All good suggestions.
Seasonal work is also coming up. With Christmas approaching, UPS hires extra personnel to drop off packages. The driver is still responsible for running the route, and the assistance merely marches the boxes to the door. It's easy and requires little interaction and pays fairly well for unskilled labor. They also need additional personnel to handle the increased volume going through distribution centers. Such seasonal employment sometimes also leads to permanent employment.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

Oh, another suggestion, how 'bout a manual QA job? I know a lot of them are offshore, but there are quite a few near-shore providers depending on where you live. if you're just doing it a manually you learn to write test cases and execute them to "break" things based on the parameter of the story the development team has delivered. This could probably be done from home too. 

Unfortunately a lot of companies are shifting from manual QA to automation QA or developers who do QA and pair programming so not sure how hot the market is.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

myside - are you happy being you? If not, you can change. is there a way you can get into IC? I'm seeing major self esteem issues with you. That can be fixed. If you feel worthy you won't accept this type of behavior from any romantic partner. You'll want more for yourself. Would you want your life for your own daughter?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Well. He is a bad choice but you seem to be really dependent on him.

Get into some counseling? Your main issue is inside yourself.

He doesn't sound like he is worth anyone's serious consideration. He might be good for a she lizard but humans are off limits.

If you work on yourself and improve, doors will open and you can kick his worthless butt through one.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

For me porn use and stripers/lap dances etc are a total no no. In my mind they are definitely cheating. I would not live with a man who did those things. He clearly thinks little of you or the debts, so in your place I would be searching for a way, anyway, to get away from this pathetic immoral man.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@MySide, he cheated on you two years ago.

And I doubt he ever really stopped cheating on you.

You need to do a Donald Trump on him.

Like *this:-*


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

do confront him.

How would he like it if you got a job at the dance place? I am not suggesting that for a real option, but he would not like you getting friendly with other men, so he should not be going to a stripper place.

He needs to feel what you are feeling, to get some compassion.
(or empathy) 

Does he listen to anyone in his family? his Mom or dad? would they help you talk to him about not wasting money on strippers? He could give that money to you. (you would not have to do what they do)

he should just give the money to you for the family, for his wife and kids.

Good luck, I hope he wakes up before he loses everything.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

harrybrown said:


> do confront him.
> 
> How would he like it if you got a job at the dance place? I am not suggesting that for a real option, but he would not like you getting friendly with other men, so he should not be going to a stripper place.
> 
> ...


Actually, I know a guy who defied his wife and went to the strip club after she put her foot down. It was amateur night... all comers accepted. Imagine his surprise as he sat there with his buddies drinking, yukking it up, and throwing singles around, when his wife strode out onto stage and began to give the full exhibition! Wish I had been there... not to see his wife, but to see the look on his face and the razz his buddies gave him.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Lila said:


> I do not have much to add to what's already been mentioned by others....do what you must to get out of your crappy marriage. However, I will encourage you to see a doctor about your UTIs even if it means using a credit card to pay for the visit.
> 
> Interstitial Cystitis symptoms get progressively worse if left untreated. First it's the mystery UTI's with no bacterial cause. Then it's the really painful sex. Then it's the pelvic pain that makes walking impossible. Once diagnosed, I.C. treatment can be something as simple as a change in diet. I would hate for you to suffer needlessly because your husband is a loser. This is my PSA as someone with I.C.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk


I am sure you are getting these infections from his dirty mouth, dirty penis, dirty hands, dirty sex toys and his dirty mind.

Tell him to go wash himself and brush his teeth and use mouthwash before he comes near you again.

Or, just cut him off from any sex. He is a dirt bag....literally..:frown2::frown2:


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Try looking for housekeeping jobs at hotels or house/business cleaning companies. You do have experience cleaning your own house


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

"a full nude strip club"! lol. if they left their clothes on, it would not be much of a striptease! If this is bothering you, YOU have the problem.

NOW, him skipping your 40th birthday present...THAT is a serious one. That is cut his nuts off territory. Do you really want to stay with this clod? if so, couples counseling is needed. he is doing stuff that pisses you off, and he needs to at least realize that.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> "a full nude strip club"! lol. if they left their clothes on, it would not be much of a striptease! If this is bothering you, YOU have the problem.
> 
> NOW, him skipping your 40th birthday present...THAT is a serious one. That is cut his nuts off territory. Do you really want to stay with this clod? if so, couples counseling is needed. he is doing stuff that pisses you off, and he needs to at least realize that.


I think OP was making the distinction between merely topless and exposed genitalia. That is a significant difference for many. 

And I don't think it's out of line for a spouse to have a problem with their other half ogling live naked women. _Especially one with a history of cheating._ For many, this is an intimate act outside the boundaries of the marriage and to judge anyone for taking that position is itself problematic. 

But we agree that this is small potatoes relative to the larger problem of ignoring his wife. In fact, this is one of the many symptoms of ignoring/having no respect/empathy for his wife. Topping this all off is the fact that he is laying significant cash into this while they are in debt. Unconscionable.


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## Justsayin4897 (Jan 22, 2016)

MySide said:


> So, I was on here about a year ago. My husband cheated on me two years ago, then almost a year after that was still searching craigslist for a "friend". And then there were emails to a "russian" woman (they were spam). Then earlier this year? (I can't even remember anymore, I'm so stressed) there was the ad that he posted on craigslist for a threesome cause he thought I wanted one. I've been a wreck ever since. Everytime he uses his phone I start to stress. Sex is just awful because I can't relax most of the time now because in one of our arguments he told me that I should fake an orgasm if I can't have one. I rarely had a problem having one before, but now I just can't make it happen so that's stressful.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Say something!!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> "a full nude strip club"! lol. if they left their clothes on, it would not be much of a striptease! If this is bothering you, YOU have the problem.
> 
> NOW, him skipping your 40th birthday present...THAT is a serious one. That is cut his nuts off territory. Do you really want to stay with this clod? if so, couples counseling is needed. he is doing stuff that pisses you off, and he needs to at least realize that.


No she doesnt have a problem. Its wrong for a married man or woman to go to a striptease.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> No she doesnt have a problem. Its wrong for a married man or woman to go to a striptease.


I, and about 70% of married men, would disagree


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> I, and about 70% of married men, would disagree


 You can only speak for yourself, not other men. I dont know a single married man who does that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Talker67 said:


> I, and about 70% of married men, would disagree


Except in this context it may well be a club that adds little "extras."

And that, folks, is a deal stopper, in my opinion.

Because paid for play or play for free is still cheating.

And for a man who has difficulty in keeping it in his trousers, a visit to a strip club is not a good idea.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> "a full nude strip club"! lol. if they left their clothes on, it would not be much of a striptease! If this is bothering you, YOU have the problem.
> 
> NOW, him skipping your 40th birthday present...THAT is a serious one. That is cut his nuts off territory. Do you really want to stay with this clod? if so, couples counseling is needed. he is doing stuff that pisses you off, and he needs to at least realize that.


If the dude blew 200 bucks on this ****, and has a history of cheating, no, she's not the problem.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I have a different view of strippers and body rub attendants. Whereas I would never partake of the services they sell, I have been intimately involved with their business. I worked my way through university as a cab driver and a disc jockey/sound installer. I have never been inside a VIP room, and have very very little inclination to do so (I will explain later). I view their customers with a bit of levity, as my history with those two professions makes it difficult to view their transactions with a straight face. 

My parents could not afford my tuition. We were as working class as it got. My dad, however, drove a taxicab, and made it available to me when his shift ended. My first day, he took me out to our main drag, and gave me the lay of the land. To be short, he pointed out ladies of the evening that he knew and trusted. I was introduced to six of these women. If, as I cruised down the main drag, I saw any one of these ladies put their hand up, I was to immediately drive over and pick up the woman and whatever companion. I was shown two run down hotels nearby and a group of motels further away. I was to deliver my passengers to one of these establishments, and wait (with my flag down so that I would not pick anyone else up). I mastered first year physics and organic chemistry, sitting in front of a hooker hotel, with my engine running and my dome light on. I was not embarrassed or cowed by how I made my living and what it paid for. I worked weekends as a disc jockey spinning records for local dances. My business partner and myself were approached by a low level sex club (it was not a stripper bar by any stretch of the imagination, more or less it was a room with a stage and seats, they did not sell alcohol, but charged ten bucks to sit and watch a female take off all of her clothes and do a rug show (sit on stage on a rug and spread 'em for the paying customers). The DJ booth oversaw 3 VIP rooms, and the DJ took $25 for the room. Whatever happened in there was between the customer and the stripper.

In short, one gets to know the purveyors, and the recipients. After a while, it gets comical. You ask yourself, who is that desperate to pay? Of all of the women in that business, I did not find one interesting enough to warrant any attention to speak of, the two or three I asked for coffee did not present a personality that anyone would find attractive. They always seemed defensive and waiting for the monetary proposition. Best word was jaded. When a husband cheats on his spouse using services as I have just described, I cannot say anything charitable. The word I use is...pathetic. If this is how you view intimacy, please do your wife a favor: Tell her that you are interested in plumbing the depths of gross depravity, and let her find someone decent to put on the passenger side of the bed.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Talker67 said:


> I, and about 70% of married men, would disagree


Well I, and about 68.75% of married men disagree with you and your statistics. So there.


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## MySide (Nov 11, 2016)

I've always had a pretty low self esteem and honestly the last two years it's just dropped extremely lower. He already knows I have huge body issues with myself. Being depressed from having three miscarriages and him not caring and three csections has really done a number on my body. I was in a healthy weight before my first was born but I was small and he was 10 pounds and I gained 46 pounds pregnant with him. Then years later another two csections in two years and my stomach looks nasty. I've been trying to lose weight, but it just doesn't want to come off even starving myself. Nothing but surgery will fix the nasty loose hanging skin above the csection scars though and I'm covered in stretch marks. 

Yes, it was a full nude club, not just topless. So, if he had a dance at all there was likely a fully naked woman on him. I get that some people don't have a problem with strip clubs and thats fine for them. But I do have a problem with it. If he goes and looks at beautiful thin much younger women with perky breasts and a flat stomach and no cellulite how is he going to view me when he gets home and I look nothing like them??? I breastfed my kids and gravity has not been kind. I'm 40 now, not 20. I've seen the pictures of the dancers from the club because they're posted online. They're very pretty and have great bodies. A few years ago my uncle told me I looked old. His wife didn't look as old and she's only a few years older than me. Well of course I look old. At the time I had a 2 1/2 year old and a 6 month old and I hadn't slept more than a few hours every night! Baby nursed every 1/2 hour to hour at night. His wife's youngest was like 10 or something! I still don't sleep well at night.

As for employment, the nursing wouldn't work for me. I can't even handle when my own child vomits. That my husband handles. And I hate blood and needles. I tried the housekeeping years ago, but it was mandatory to work weekends and I can't do that. I've actually thought working nights at walmart would be good because there's not that many people there at night, but then, again, there's the whole issue of the kids. Who's gonna watch them at night? Sure, you could say my husband while we're still together. That's not likely. Three years ago I was in pain and had to drive myself to the doctors 30 minutes away because he wouldn't. Then I asked him if he would watch our 2 year old that night because she was sick and I was in pain and the pain pills would likely make me sick. He said no because he had to get up early for work (he always gets up early for work). Thankfully she actually slept all night because I was up the whole night in pain and puking. I don't trust strangers to watch my kids, it's only been our moms who watch them when we need someone. I even have a hard time letting them go to school every day. 

I know I'm setting up my own obstacles. I'm my own worst enemy. I've never been alone. I lived with my mom until I got married and have lived with my husband ever since. I'm pathetic I know. I've always been horribly shy and I was getting better, but feel I have gotten worse over the last 10 years. I need to get over some of these fears I have. I'm trying. I've tried letting the teachers know that I'm interested in volunteering, but they don't seem interested. I'm not very artistic , but I'll check out fiverr and upwork. Not very good at writing although I wish I was. I'll look into web design as well. I'm doing the online surveys already, but that's not very profitable. I've been trying to work on my typing skills so maybe I could get an office job, but I'm only getting 33 wpm and all the jobs like that want a lot faster and a year minimum office experience.

I would love counseling, but can't afford it. And we don't qualify for any assistance of any kind. I don't like myself at all, never have.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You are 40 and fabulous! 

Please don't forget that.

Your husband is no gentleman.

And you are NOT pathetic.

By the way, have you tried Swagbucks.com? They pay in vouchers for Amazon or in PayPal vouchers or for other retailers.

They even pay you a small amount for many surveys you are screened out of.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

MySide said:


> I've always had a pretty low self esteem and honestly the last two years it's just dropped extremely lower. He already knows I have huge body issues with myself. Being depressed from having three miscarriages and him not caring and three csections has really done a number on my body. I was in a healthy weight before my first was born but I was small and he was 10 pounds and I gained 46 pounds pregnant with him. Then years later another two csections in two years and my stomach looks nasty. I've been trying to lose weight, but it just doesn't want to come off even starving myself. Nothing but surgery will fix the nasty loose hanging skin above the csection scars though and I'm covered in stretch marks.
> 
> Yes, it was a full nude club, not just topless. So, if he had a dance at all there was likely a fully naked woman on him. I get that some people don't have a problem with strip clubs and thats fine for them. But I do have a problem with it. If he goes and looks at beautiful thin much younger women with perky breasts and a flat stomach and no cellulite how is he going to view me when he gets home and I look nothing like them??? I breastfed my kids and gravity has not been kind. I'm 40 now, not 20. I've seen the pictures of the dancers from the club because they're posted online. They're very pretty and have great bodies. A few years ago my uncle told me I looked old. His wife didn't look as old and she's only a few years older than me. Well of course I look old. At the time I had a 2 1/2 year old and a 6 month old and I hadn't slept more than a few hours every night! Baby nursed every 1/2 hour to hour at night. His wife's youngest was like 10 or something! I still don't sleep well at night.
> 
> ...


I wish I had more to offer than a bunch of tired overused platitudes, because this was just crushing to read. I have read a lot, heard a lot, seen a lot, and rarely do things hit me the way this did. Nobody should ever be left feeling the way you are feeling.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

I wonder if through your husband's job, there might be an EAP - an employee assistance program that gives you several free visits a year to a counselor? 
That said, no one can pick you up but yourself. 
Do you exercise? Even walking is good! Have some friends you could swap babysitting with? 
Your post is sad to read. Do realize you are setting an example for your children by staying in this marriage and also having low self esteem. If your husband has a job and you divorce, you would receive child support. It might be enough to live on. 
You speak in a very caring way about children. Might day care be an option for you? And if you worked at a center usually you can bring your own children along. 
Just thoughts.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Wow… I have a good idea what they offer for the $150 for 15mins. I’ve been to stripper clubs about 10 times in my life. There are some good ones and average ones in the nearby major city. I even asked one out for a date (and got it – but I never had sex wit her.) I’ve never heard of a “bed dance” in my life. From other guys I know – the “VIP rooms” = ability to have actual sex of some sort as the guy is “renting the room” – not paying for sex.

Nude ones, for $20~30 bucks mean a lap dance and ability to see everything – some touching. I only like to go to stripper clubs with my wife, in general. Since being with my wife, the few times I’ve gone without her – I told her afterwards or before.

To spend so much money when you guys are in debt, buying stuff for his co-workers. It’s insulting and disrespectful. 

Locate the nearest women’s shelter / support group. Depending on the state you are in – Some are able to put the woman and her children into an apt. Help her get some education and a job to help her get on her feet.

You should also get a calorie counter app for your phone. I use Lose It!
Here is a listing and reviews of several apps : https://www.pcmag.com/article2/0,2817,2485287,00.asp

Sorry you are going through these this.


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