# Got the dreaded text



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Separated since Nov 2012, she cheated. Attempted R for 10 weeks, I realized there's no way and I filed for D. It's sitting on the judge's desk - should be final soon.

We have 2 kids, 6 and 9, shared custody. We both agreed we'd let the other know if there was going to be another person in the kid's lives and have the opportunity to meet said person if that's what's wanted. She still works in a bar and hangs around total trash (her former AP is a coke dealer/gangster). She swears she's "only making good decisions now and only surrounding herself with really good people". Of course she's an idiot and her idea of "good people" and "good decisions" are the antithesis of mine.

Anyway, she texts me "there's someone I want the kids to meet". Of course she won't tell me who he is. After much goading she says "fine, it's Mike". I respond "very funny, sirname?". "That's all you get for now". Blood boils. I don't care that she's banging another dude, she has been forever, when we were still together...that's no longer a pain point. Although admittedly having it be "official" that she's with someone else was painful - kind of a Dday all over again. What's really awful is knowing this as*hole is going to be around my kids.

I'm a pretty good sleuth and figured out who he is - a bouncer at the bar she works at. SHOCKING!!!! Sorry, but dudes in their 30's who beat people up for a living are generally...not the type of person I want around my kids. Again, her "peers" are lowlifes, that she considers to be "salt of the earth". I'm fully aware this is inevitable and I have zero control over who she's with and who she decides to bring around my babies. But man, did it hit me hard. So bad I took the next day off work. She's not exactly the shining beacon of healthy relationships, so I can hardly see this being forever, which means I'll be going through this again.

I talked to my kids and assured them I'm always their dad, and will always be their only dad. I also told them to talk to me about anyone new they're around and come to me with any concerns. They are smart, savvy kids (they got that from me, not their idiot mother  ). But I still worry about it, a lot. If she were a smarter person more capable of making anything but moronic decisions I wouldn't be so stressed over it, but that ain't the case.

In some ways, this is good, as it pushes me closer to full, 100% detachment from her. It's at the point now where I don't even see her when I drop the kids off - I walk them to the door, make sure they're in and go. I only ever see her Sunday evening when she picks up the kids and it's very, very brief - just how I like it.

Anyway, it's a hard pill to swallow, and something I need to learn how to deal with. It's also one step closer to having her be nothing more than a business-like partner (we share the kids). I hate her more than anyone I've ever hated in my life, but that hate is, slowly, dying and turning into indifference. I'm working on it.

Anyone here have stories they want to share about similar experiences with their ex and kids?


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Dude, my ex started dating a guy and their first actual date was with my kids! They took his son (who he has full custody of) and my kids to the fair together. Looney........just looney. This was 1 week after the divorce was final......


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Dude, my ex started dating a guy and their first actual date was with my kids! They took his son (who he has full custody of) and my kids to the fair together. Looney........just looney. This was 1 week after the divorce was final......


Man, that's rough. And totally unfair to the kids.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My thoughts... Your wife IS one of the undesirable people you don't want hanging around your kids. So is bringing another one around all that much worse? Could you meet him first? Just because he's a bouncer doesn't make him scum. 

On the other hand... Getting his full name and doing a check in him wouldn't be out of line either (to me)...

On the plus side, she did abide by your agreement to let you know first... It would have been easier for her to just blindside you and the kids. I went through this recently when I had to tell my STBX that I've been dating someone, and I wanted to inroduce her to the kids soon. I didn't want to have that conversation at all, as I suspected it would be painful for her to hear. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Don't know what to say - just be the best man you can be and it will work out in the end. Bartender and bouncer - classy


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I know it sucks but just because he's a bouncer doesn't make him a bad guy. Cops beat up and arrest people, are they bad people? Unless he's an AP, then he is scum.

Just be polite, your issues with your ex aren't his. Just tell him you expect him to be good to your kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Healer... BTDT. My ex was involved with a group of guys, and their honeys, who were all about the swagger and whom she travelled out of town to go be with. Before I was detached and when I was still hurting I basically asked how she could so freely choose to associate with such scum and she tried to convince me they were all good people and quite religious and churchy. (very laughable to me). She wanted to take our son there with her one time, she said one guy that was nailing her wanted to meet him, she said she wasn't going to let him - but I simply refused anyway (and thankfully it was in another province so I had legal ground to stand on in my refusal).

It sucks most because people have the freedom of association, your ex can be around anyone she wants, and as she has custodial decision making power she can allow anyone she chooses to be around your children.

However, you can put morality clauses in your separation agreement if you either negotiate it or fight for it. If you do make sure that it has teeth - I had morality clause of no overnight visits until "the relationship become serious and monogamous" however that was another pain point for me, and when it came down to it there was absolutely no way for me to enforce it without having to stalk her, do a stakeout at her home and call the Sheriff to cause a scene (who would likely look at the clause and say he has no way to know what "serious" is supposed to look like).

My only advice to you is be vocal, and adamant and do everything you can to keep your child out of harms way, make her bad choices as difficult as possible. When you lack the reach know that your ex may be mentally delayed but generally does not want to see your child harmed either. Be vigilant but accept that she does have custodial power, and if there were any way you could prove she doesn't you would have been granted sole custody. (though you know just how likely that would be).

You are on the first magnificent steps of co-parenting. Do not carry anxiety for what you can't control - recite the serenity prayer over and over if you must.


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

My STBXW took my youngest kid with her while she was banging the POSOM...

Now, we are not even divorced, and my kids come over and tell me about two different guys. We have to be separated a year here before a divorce can go through.... tick tock..

This is really a pain point for me.... just like you Healer, I dont care that she has someone (or lots of someones), I care that my kids are around these low lifes (one being the POSOM). I know also that she left my 2yo in the care of one of these guys while she took my other girl to the dentist...

She really has no clue...


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