# Preg 2 months w/ 1st and grandparent passes- Husband desides to cheat for first time



## ecwife (Jul 13, 2011)

I need advice. Is my marriage of 5 years worth me working out?

I'll keep this short so people can read and give me their best answer.

I was just told after my grandmother's funeral, by my husband, that he went out the week before to a strip club. He told me that he came in with his ring off and a stripper started talking to him about what he does and such. She told him he needs to buy a drink or get a lap dance. He opted for the lap dance. He told me he saw her crotch, grabbed her boobs and got a hand job (he says with out completion) and some licking on his "thing". He says he stopped her when somehow he finally realized he was cheating and that he didn't know that she would go that far. 
Now, he's worried about disease and I've been pregnant for 9 weeks- which he obviously knows about. We were actively trying to get pregnant for a year. We've been making love regularly, with both of us seeming to want the same thing.
I don't know if anybody remembers my post about not being happy with following my husband to the east coast, but I definitely haven't been my most happy trying to make it work- I am a stay at home wife and am pretty bored. I have a lot of education that I have put by the wayside. 
I never saw this coming and it makes me sick. I don't know if I should go back to the west coast to be by my family and have our child by myself or try and work it out with him. He's cried to me that he wants to work it out, but I have lost a lot of trust in him.
Please, advice and opinions would be great.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

sorry for your pain right now, you are in a tough spot for. Respectfully, it sounds like trickle-truth to me. If he is worried about disease it means he had unprotected coitus, and strippers don't just give away sex for free. Don't accept his argument that he took the high road in any of this, he had sex with another woman, be it a stripper or someone else entirely, and it was planned and probably paid for. At least that is my reasonable assumption based on the info you wrote and the patterns that have emerged for me when it comes to marital fidelity.

My advice, you can't trust him, nor control his behavior or decisions, however you can take charge of your own life. If you want to fix this and build a healthy marriage with him, and that's what he wants too, it can work but it must start with complete and honest transparency right now. You have the right to choose for yourself if you still want to stay in the relationship, and if so you are have the right to expect honesty and to verify by investigating - he must give up any expectation of privacy to you. You cannot trust him or give him the benefit of any doubt, but you can choose to remain committed to the marriage. If he wants to work on it he must fully disclose everything, so prepare yourself for the hurt that will go with it, and you need to draw a clear boundary that if he has not been truthful then he will have blown his only chance to put his marriage on the right track.


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

You don't just walk into a strip club and end up getting a hand job or blow job. He was maybe paying extra in the back room.

That said, does it count for anything that he admitted it on his own? Maybe he regrets it? Could you forgive him if he vowed to never go back to a place like that again and gave you more accountability?


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I agree that it didn't "just" happen and if he is worried that he got an std from her then there is more then he is telling you. I also think that all strip clubs allow no touching of the girls, but i am no expert.


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## ecwife (Jul 13, 2011)

I am in total agreement that it didn't just happen. I mean, you don't just happen to hide your ring in your pocket and actively tell the strippers you are single with a good job unless you are looking for the attention. He said he liked the attention and fighting he saw for him between strippers (probably a slow night). He says he didn't think they could touch him but I think we all know that strippers are not going to be of the highest moral character. She probably would have had sex with him. He paid over a $100 for it all. I believe him that they didn't -but a couple minutes of a hand job and having her nasty body sitting on his lap while having him grab her fake boobs while telling him to come for her is giving me the worst mind movies that all I can do is try to not punch him when I see him.
He has cried thoroughly a few times telling me he doesn't know why he went in there.
I made him call his parents to tell them what he did so that he is accountable to someone else. 
I'm leaning towards staying together but I already feel bitter and less like the self I want to be...I hate him for this.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Sounds like he visited a wh0re, not a stripper.

Personally, I wouldn't be ok with this.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

ladybird said:


> I agree that it didn't "just" happen and if he is worried that he got an std from her then there is more then he is telling you. I also think that all strip clubs allow no touching of the girls, but i am no expert.



there are strip clubs that are operating as brothels behind the scenes. the club owners can plausibly deny what happens in the back room but you can bet that if it happens then in most cases they know its going on and get their pimp share.

bottom line is that if a man gets more than the typical bump and grind lap dance then he has paid extra for it.


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

Almostrecovered said:


> there are strip clubs that are operating as brothels behind the scenes. the club owners can plausibly deny what happens in the back room but you can bet that if it happens then in most cases they know its going on and get their pimp share.
> 
> bottom line is that if a man gets more than the typical bump and grind lap dance then he has paid extra for it.


:iagree: The "ladies" that work there are trying to make a living..they're not doing volunteer work.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Are you sure that it was a stripper and not some other chick??

What'd his parents say? Did he call them?

EC, I am sorry and can totally understand why you don't trust him.

Get tested for STDs. Get a job. Decide whether you want to stay married or not to this guy. You are only 9 weeks pregnant and don't need all this drama right now.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I'm very sorry you have become a member of the club nobody should be a member of.

Above everything else, DO NOT allow yourself to become his doormat. Yes you now have a baby that complicates things but that is still no reason for you to permit him to treat you in such a sh!tty fashion. Whatever you decide, you deserve better.


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## ecwife (Jul 13, 2011)

Jellybeans,
He gave me "all" the details of the event and while I don't know if knowing all the details is ever good for a person, I chose it. I can't stand having a worse mind movie months down the road because of some detail that he didn't think was necessary to divulge at the time. His story seems to keep on track that it was a strip club. He said he researched clubs because he knew that they were prominent in this place he was for work and in his mind didn't think about the consequences. He rationalized that going to a club was normal for a man. From inside is where it escalated, but just the thought of him taking his ring off and actively telling these women that he was not married with a child on the way is disgusting. He admits he was looking for an escape. 
He talked to his parents on the phone while I was in the room. He really broke down and I think they were worried about him. They also said they are there for me too. They said that they see enough love and know we can work it out. He told them that I had him call them and they did make a mention about, "thanks for telling them, they guessed it was penance for what he did". I don't feel guilty about having them know at all. I'm not keeping his dirty little, family dividing secrets.
I am going to get a job too. Things are going to change.


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