# I feel like I'm at a crosssroads



## chrs0111 (Jun 29, 2009)

My wife and I have been separated for 6 months going on 7. There was no abuse or addictions or maltreatment on either side. There were some issues with my family but we have atleast temporarily cleared them up. We were just growing apart and things became tense and they were getting away from us. I asked for counseling when we first separated but at the time she did not want to go. I am going to ask her again in the next couple days. We still talk daily-2 to 3 times and see each other a couple times a week. However we rarely talk about us and how were going to fix things. When I bring it up she says she just wants to take her time. We tell each other I love you and we do kiss when we see each other but there is really nothing more than that. It feels like were friends. I feel like we are drifting and would like to see some progress. I feel like I'm just sick of coasting. She says she needs that time to find and fix herself but how much more time do I give her? I don't want to let her go because I do love her very much but at the same time I feel like I'm becoming a bit resentful for making me wait with little to no progress. Any advice would be appreciated.


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## Harris (Apr 5, 2009)

keep waiting and be nice to her.


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## chrs0111 (Jun 29, 2009)

Nobody else has an opinion? Even if you don't want to write, maybe you would atleast express your opinion through the poll.


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## Flutterby (Aug 6, 2009)

Are you 100% sure she hasn't met someone that she desires but isn't sure where it's going to go? And being separated gives her the change to get to know this other person while still having you around? 

Otherwise, my guess is that she is holding on because she isn't totally sure what she wants and realizes that it's not final yet... it's easier this way. There is stille someone out there caring about her and she doesn't have to always be alone... 

If you are feeling no progress after that amount of time - have you guys set separation ground rules - for example, did you agree not to see other people or that you could? Maybe broach that subject if you haven't and see waht her reaction is....?


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## Jessica2009 (Aug 8, 2009)

I don't know. Sounds more like you two are somewhat dating than working on a marriage. Do you seem to get along better living apart?


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## chrs0111 (Jun 29, 2009)

We have set up rules as far as no dating others while we are still working on things. And I agree that she is confused. I think she loves me very much but what I'm not sure of is if she is in love with me. She seems to really enjoy being around me and we have got along much better since we've been separated. Although that may be in part to the fact that we sold our house which was way too close to my family and she has limited her contact with them which is undoubtedly a stress reducer.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

What does she have to fix? Have you discussed those problems? What steps is she taking to fix them? 

To me, an unwillingness to get counseling somewhere (priest, pastor, therapist, psychiatrist) is a bad sign. If you're stuck, you need to reach out to others. 

If she doesn't want to go to marital therapy, why wouldn't she go on her own?


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## chrs0111 (Jun 29, 2009)

Other than the fact that she is reluctant to see a therapist I don't see any other reason why she hasn't gone to see someone. I did ask her the other day how she felt about starting up some marital therapy and she said that would be good. She's not busting at the seams to go but she says she will. This is where I get confused. If we are taking time apart for her to find herself then why isn't she trying to do that. She does do a fair amount of reading (self help books) but other than that we don't really talk about us or her or me...we just keep on coasting.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

What kind of self help books is she reading? This may be a sign of her thinking at this point.


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## karajh (Jul 25, 2009)

I know the feeling... mine has been going on for 8 months. We go through cycles, sometimes everything seems like it is coming together and then wham out of nowhere he is like, I just don't know if this is going to work out.. I have a meeting with him tonight to discuss some financial stuff, I just keep praying that it will all work itself out, but I find myself pulling away and wanting other things now to.

I wish you the best of luck~! I wish I could give you some advice, but I am in the same boat.. All I can give you is my sympathy .


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## chrs0111 (Jun 29, 2009)

Karajh...you're right, our situations sound very similar. I too find myself wanting things to work out but at the same time am feeling more distant the more time goes by. I just don't understand how you can tell someone you see yourself spending the rest of your life with them and you love them but have nothing more than a phone relationship. It's baffling to me. 
In regards to what books she reads or what she's trying to fix...she says she has lived her life for everybody else for so many years and wants to learn how to live for herself. She wants to find and do what makes her happy without worrying about everybody else.


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## chrs0111 (Jun 29, 2009)

Well I asked her to go to marriage counseling and she agreed that would be a good thing. So I am going to seek one out this week and get that started. However, the past few days (seems like since I brought up the counseling) she has been very short with me. Our conversations have reduced dramatically and I have asked her to get together 3 times and all 3 times she didn't want to. We had two long conversations last week and she said that her feelings haven't changed and she still sees her spending the rest of her life with me but I must say the way she acts and what she tells me are two different things. Now when I text her it takes forever for her to get back with me and when I call again it takes her forever to respond. Not that this isn't normal with some couples but it is very different for us and how we have always been. I am getting more stressed out now then I have been this entire time. I don't mind working at our relationship...that doesn't stress me like not knowing what the future holds does.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

okay chrs, so it's been what? 8, nine months? you seem to be hanging in there ok, all things considered. i'm gonna ask you a question my counselor asked me when i questioned him about us taking too long to get back together:

you got somewhere to be?

patience and honor. those things work. off and on.


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## chrs0111 (Jun 29, 2009)

I guess I am hanging in there OK. I think I am more stressed than I show. It is now going on 8 months and my issue is that instead of getting closer we are actually growing apart. When we first separated we talked all the time and we saw each other quite frequently. Now we see each other very infrequently and talk at a bare minimum. When we would get together in the past we were somewhat affectionate, now theres nothing. 
I dont necessarily have somewhere to be but don't want to wait for nothing. If there were signs that this was gonna work out I would have something to hold onto but it seems like it's just in limbo with no plan to go anywhere else.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

"she says she has lived her life for everybody else for so many years and wants to learn how to live for herself. She wants to find and do what makes her happy without worrying about everybody else."
My husband said the same exact ****. That is such a cop out. WHen are people going to realize that you can find happiness without giving up on your love ones. I asked my H if he is happier now and he said no. So I am thinking then what the hell is the point of making everyone unhappy including yourself ! And as I have stated on my post was there an expiration date on the marriage certificate you signed?? 
I am sorry that you are going through this also. Yesterday was 8 months since my H left. I do feel like things are starting to annoy me and having second thoughts on waiting any longer.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Believe...exactly!

My H is more unhappy now that he's left to be alone! DUH!

I asked him before..."what does your life look like when we are no longer together." He mentioned doing the same things he was already doing???? OK

I think, for those that are waiting, that detachment is a neccessary and normal thing to go through over time. 

8 months is along time....after a point when nothing is happening I believe you have to create a crisis to bring things to a head. Not that you want to really, but because you have to in order to get some resolution. If I saw that nothing had happened after 8/9/10 months and no signs of the other spouse "coming around" I would seriously meet with my spouse. I would tell him that I loved him but was moving on without him. That would be the crisis for the spouse...a time in which they are going to have to make a REAL choice.

Somebody once said (you know who you are FA)..."you are already living as if you're divorced...so what's the worse things could happen?" ( or something to that matter).


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