# I am the cheater



## samuel (Sep 18, 2008)

I have known my wife for almost twenty years, more than half my life. Our marriage was not perfect but it was not bad. I began a four month affair with a co-worker that started out with cell phone calls and moved on to meeting for drinks where there was physical contact. My wife found out and when she confronted me I deneid alot of what happened (ie: the physical contact). It took me nearly another four weeks to officialy break off the affair. 
I love my wife more than anything and am very sorry for the pain I caused her. It is difficult for her to believe me when I say I do love her, and also fears that it will happen again because I have not given her a satisfactory reason for why I had the affair. I realy enjoyed the false intimacy of the affair, and felt it was lacking in the marriage, but I never went tomy wife to discuss it. I know she had wants that were not being met as well and she did not cheat on me. 
She feels the need to have me bring up the affair but it is hard to gage the timing to do so. Any ideas on doing this constructively. Also on bridging the issues of trust. I leave all my receipts out, she has all my email information and I let her know where I am. I know I turned her life upside down but feel I am losing her in the process. 
Any ideas or thoughts would be helpful.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Many...

First you need to come clean. You wife knows enough and you don't want to add lying to the list.

2nd Lead a life like an open book so she can see that she can start to rust you again. No hidden deleted email/texts etc.

3rd) Learn to communicate with her.

4th) Get a councilor atleast for yourself and possibly with her or can grow to include her.

draconis


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Samuel, your wife may feel that if you really truly love her, than the love for her would have not lead you to do this to her. She may feel that the love for her would have stopped you in your tracks, and she thinks that a man can say "no" just like a woman can. She is hurt, and whatever reason you give her, she won't take to heart, because her heart is broken. I agree with draconis..go get some help for your marriage. Good luck to you !


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## Sweet love (Sep 10, 2008)

What you could do is simply tell her that you wouldlike to talk with her about it and talk with her tell her all oyu told us above. Also that you are very worried of losing her and the marriage and that there was no sexual contact with the other woman.
Tell her that you like the fausle intimacy of it and htat it was secret.
And tel her that you regret it deeply and want her to trust you again. ave an open talk a simple one, dont dramatise just tell her it was so wrong of you and you feel real bad about it because it hurted her and that you can see it. And that you would like things to be as they were befroe for her to trust you again and to dont be scared anymore.
Talk a lot to her, hug her, and be genuate. Tell her you are sad about it too.
It will help a lot for her to know that you care so much for her.
Also do things together, in the weekend, go soem place nice, recreate the romantisme and also in the evenings try be very close to her and help her out and talk wiht her and joke together.
Its important for the 2 of you to be able to laugh together again, and to kiss an dmake love again.
That will help a lot.
Cure oyurself by inviting your wife to have a drink wiht you sometimes and have physical contacts with her as you did with that other woman.
it could be that at the end, you both get soemthing precious out of it that not only will rekindle you together but will bring oyu even strogner together than you were before that happened.


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## samuel (Sep 18, 2008)

Good advice. I wish I had not waited so long to come clean. Now there are many doubts for her which are understandable. We went to a counselor and I felt the situation was so dire I measured all my answers to what I thought she would want to hear. I have convinced her to go again and I will be open with my answers what ever they may be. 
My wife definately feels that if I loved her that would have stopped me. Frankly I should have said no to the affair. No excuses from me, I did a horrible thing. 
Thank you for your advice and I will definately seek counseling and be more open with it.


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## MEM (Sep 15, 2008)

Honesty can be and is a huge trust builder!!! Answer all of her questions..., be honest, true and sincere.

Have faith and patience.

I agree with draconis, counseling is a very good step.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

You're welcome. Best of luck to you !


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## Sweet love (Sep 10, 2008)

I do not think that you should talk to her in fornt of a counselor but that you should do so privatly, betwen you adn her, at oyur home in the bedroom or on the sofa, talking real closed and looking in each otehrs eyes and holding her hands and taling form the deep of your heart.
That will work better for her than any counselor will For a woman a counselor its fausle.
if you come to her and speak to her heart then all will be fine.
You can talk together so why go to a counselor? she feel unsure and hurted inside so dont try to make her be moreexposed than she already feel.
She is feelign vulnerable so help her throguh. Just hold herinside your arms and trust her a lot, and talk to her from the bottom of your heart and remake the promise you did to her when you get married. All this will mean much more to her than anything else.
Show oyur love to her not a counselor.
Shwo her that she mean a lot to you and how.
Bring her out places, give her romantic present, write to her love letter that oyu send to her by mail.
Surprise her wiht anew dress and a romantic dinner, kiss her and say you are sorry and you love her so that she can see that you mean it.
Dont do it like you go to the mecanician-way to repair a broken car by seeign a counselor, but take care of her heart cause its her heart that is broken.
She do not need a counselor but she needs you.
Only one doc can repair a broken heart, adn that it is love.
Love her show her love and all will eb fine.
beside a woman is not made of glass so she will be up and happy very fast if you do that to her.
Make her happy, there is million ways to do so, the first being to be honnest with what you did and with oyur regret and the secodn being to show your love for her.
In fact the alone problem was to have waited and mayeb to dont talk with her aboutit at home, openly, form husband to wife, and knowing that this will serve oyu in any tricky situation where things have tio be talk over.


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## samuel (Sep 18, 2008)

Thanks Sweet Love. Sometimes you have to talk it out with others to get good advice. I should definately share these thoughts with her.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

samuel said:


> My wife definately feels that if I loved her that would have stopped me.


No there is a difference, you were being selfish. Let her know that.

draconis


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Yeah, but I'm trying to think like a woman may feel. They want to feel like they're every woman in the world to you. If you really love them, they would be.


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## samuel (Sep 18, 2008)

I definately know that she wants to feel that she is the only women I want to be with. The truth is that is true. Their is no doubt that I was selfish. Regardless of wether it had been a horrible marriage which it was not I had many choices, none of which included going outside the marriage. That was an easy choice and not one I should have made. But I definately have to maker her beleive she is the only women for me.


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## Sweet love (Sep 10, 2008)

samuel said:


> Thanks Sweet Love. Sometimes you have to talk it out with others to get good advice. I should definately share these thoughts with her.



yes, also tell her that too. That you didnt knew how ot bring the subject about and that you were a bit coward with it.
Thats wahgt women think and say between each others, so she will know youa re being sincere and will be immensely thanfull for you to be so.

She will appreciate ti a lot. That now oyu dont need someone in between to have the courage to say those things.
She is your wife, you make love with her and oyu lvie with her, youshouldnt be scared of her to talk about those things with her.
Its embarassing for you, but the whole thing is anyway, and the sooner oyu get that talk going the sooner you will feel both releived form a big weight and will begin to feel much much better.
Have that talk with ehr tonight, and talk of it also tommorow, and as liong it takes for her and you to ocme over it, and also do the things i told you about before.
Tell her too that she did nothign wrong and that your marriage is not in danger at al that you just did a selfish folish thing, and that you are scared as she is to lose it all.
I am sure thats the thought she go around with, becasue you didnt came up wiht it yet, eyes to eyes, at home.. oyu have been like ignoring the matter. 
Come up wiht it.
Deal with it head on, take the bull by the horns, and get over it.
Once you will have done it, you will ask oyurself why on earth you waited so long.
I htink that your wife is more worried by your actual attitude cause she can see you have changed than by that thing..
and oyu act differently becasue oyu are worrying that she is worrying about it..
All you ahve ot do is tobegin to talk about the matter.
After you can also tel her yoru own view about cheating and have a debate about it. It will be healthy too.
Dont fear to talk it through and dont fear to do it every evening.
After a week the subject wont scare oyu any more nor you, and it will help a lot at getting over it once and for all.

yes you needed to talk it over with friends and i am sure she did so with her friends who told her.. "once a cheater"... so thats also why she si scared.. and told her " wait til he bring it up himself dont push him" and so on..
break the ice Samuel, she is waiting for it, and she needs it as much as you do.
Some problems go over by not touchign him, but htat one is not one of them.. that one is one of the kind who get worse if not taken up in good time.
So do it tonight, and free you both.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

You have to not think about you all the time and think how you would feel if this were you. Atleast you know what you have to do.
You don't have to say you love her every minute of every day. Your actions speak louder than words. Romancae her..bring her roses for no reason at all..just beacuse.


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## MEM (Sep 15, 2008)

Samual, I feel you really need to analyze and understand what led you to cross that line into infidelity, then work on the marriage.
I feel healthy people is needed to make a healthy marriage.
Best of Luck


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

I like giving roses..love the smell of them. Weird, huh?


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

samuel said:


> My wife found out and when she confronted me I deneid alot of what happened (ie: the physical contact). It took me nearly another four weeks to officialy break off the affair.
> Does your wife know about all the details now? even that it took 4 weeks to break it off? you've got to come totally clean!
> 
> It is difficult for her to believe me when I say I do love her, and also fears that it will happen again because I have not given her a satisfactory reason for why I had the affair. I totally know where she is coming from!
> ...


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I have unfortunately been in your wife's shoes & know where she is coming from. I do think it's good that you are putting thought into how to approach the subject, because the hurt is very raw and real but the longer you hold off speaking to her will risk that any healing she has done will take another blow and at some point will be one too many for her heart to handle.

What she probably needs to hear is:

The issues from your standpoint that made you feel the need to seek someone outside of your marriage...was it sex? lack of attention? lack of appreciation? 

Of course, this should be approached delicately and should be prefaced by 'I want to tell you how I was feeling at the time because I'm sorting out for myself why and how this happened, but so you know in advance what I was feeling then was no excuse for what I did. I take full responsibility for that & in no way am trying to push blame.'

Acknowledging that you can put your finger on the state of your marriage at the time will give her a sense that there are things you both can do and will give her a better sense that it will not happen again. Saying 'I don't know' will just make her think if he didn't know then, he won't know the next time he's in that situation. Give her some assurance that the things that were lacking are things you not only intend to work on but that you will communicate with her clearly if you are feeling distanced again at some point.

'I don't know...it was innocent at first...she was just a friend...then, it was like a freight train...once it started I knew it was wrong but didn't know how to stop it'...this might be what you felt, and if it was, you need to think about your boundaries with women going forward and communicate them to your wife. She will appreciate that you are doing something to prevent this from happening again. Maybe for you, the boundaries are that you do not have any personal discussions with women, you do not go to lunch alone with a woman, etc. but in general, a good rule of thumb is to tell her that you will think of her standing right next to you anytime you speak to another woman to ensure your conversations are not inappropriate.

It is very difficult to picture your spouse having an emotional connection with another woman, especially if they know you are married. You have to assume they did not speak kindly of you or the marriage. The feeling of betrayal is unreal and you feel your vows have been negated and that your feelings were not considered by the one person who should consider them the most. The physical images are no better.

How long ago did this happen? Do you still work with the woman? (that will make healing/rebuilding trust much harder for your wife)

If not too much time has passed, my opinion is it would be better to come fully clean with her...I'm sure it's hard to do that when you are initially confronted off-guard and if it took you an additional 4 weeks to break things off, I'm guessing you didn't want to come clean for selfish reasons. If she knows you are speaking from your heart because you want to be totally honest with her she will feel more secure within your marriage. There is always a risk in disclosure, that it will just be too much, but she wants all of you at this point...keeping these secrets will prevent you from giving her that.

You have an opportunity to have a stronger marriage than ever before, but it starts with respecting your wife and wanting to have your closest relationship to be with her.


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## Orangerose (Aug 27, 2008)

My husband told me he doesn't completely know why he did not want to be married or be a dad anymore. He is back to me again. If you can figure out what did it for you then maybe I can understand it too. It just seems to me her flirting swayed him. I think it was lust. Mid life crisis.


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

i hear you on that ellie! i don't think i'll ever understand! when do i get to have my mid-life crisis? why is is that some people are just stronger than others?


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## Orangerose (Aug 27, 2008)

He was 44. We had been married 19 years. I have always adored and loved him. 
She's had a lot of personal problems. Three marriages, now living with someone. This relationship is bad. He is a tender hearted person. She is called white trash at their workplace, (wonder why). During the whole time the flirting I guess was out of control. People who worked with them noticed. I think the attention went to his head. He was heavy in the past and had lost some weight. He says he was not innocent. But, he did not feel he didn't not want to be married any more until he met her. 
He says he was not completely happy with our marriage. I didn't have a clue. He did not talk to me about this. 
When she started talking about her problems, he innocently talked about his feelings. That was his big mistake. I think she took full advantage of the opportunity. 
I think if people would realize that you can't talk about your problems with anyone but your spouse or a counselor you will not have these problems.


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## Gar888 (Jun 2, 2008)

Hi Samuel, I am where your wife is. I know my wife cheated although she still claims it was just a close no check that really really close friendship with someone at work. She has said all the right things about how sorry she is how much she loves me finally gave me access to all her email and phone records ....after the emails were all cleaned out. she never wants to discuss it peoriod. and when I do ask her questions she gets upset and gives me very general answers. Now let me tell you where I sit I can't believe her. she has not offered one thing about what happened why it happened and what it was all I have is the phone records and let me tell you that was terrifying. It would do so much to build my trust and believing that she has told me the truth if she would come to me and say "I need to tell you everything and get it off my chest" Unfortunately my wife chooses to treat it like it never happened with no explanation just coverups. Don't make that mistake with your wife if you want her to build trust in you you need to tell her the truth and don't sugar coat it and then tell her how terrible you feel your willingness to discuss it will do wonders for her. JUST BE HONEST. the more you hold back the more doubt she will have. I know thats where I am at and it's a tough place to move forward from. I posted on here and got lots of help it's been a wonderful source of support and an opportunity to vent for me.


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## walkedon22 (May 26, 2014)

Gar888...
I have to agree with you. I have no doubt that I would be able to find an easier way back to my husband if only he would stand up and be a man. He fails to see the importance (I guess) in admitting what he has done. He has no idea of the amount of healing it could have on me if he would open up and tell the truth. He keeps me in a prison and I will never be able to trust him again or be able to relate to him anymore. It is like I am forced to just withdraw and disconnect.
The posts about the man cheating are sad because they hit home with me. My life has been filled with lies and more lies for several years. Way too many years. I am at a crossroads now myself.
I enjoyed your comment that you left for Samuel. It was great advice and I do hope that he takes it.
Blessings......


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Just an FYI, @walkedon22, but this thread is nearly 7 years old.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

samuel said:


> I definately know that she wants to feel that she is the only women I want to be with. The truth is that is true. Their is no doubt that I was selfish. Regardless of wether it had been a horrible marriage which it was not I had many choices, none of which included going outside the marriage. That was an easy choice and not one I should have made. But I definately have to maker her beleive she is the only women for me.


Your join date and number of posts concerns me. Can you explain this anomaly? DUDE


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Oops!


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## SA2015 (Aug 25, 2015)

i am currently suffering under the consequences of my husband's cheating. i don't know what your wife expect from you. i just can tell you what my husband has to do to stop the process of me checking out...because i am about to check out.

i want him to get counseling for his lusting spirit or addiction or whatever made him cheating. i want to see him being "active" to do something so it will NEVER EVER happen again. I don#t trust in going somewhere 2, 3 or 4 times and that it...i want that he take care of HIS issue on long therm. i want to be sure not just believing it. i want him to understand that his lusting and being curious is absolutely wrong and poison for our marriage.

i want him to be transparent like a glass house. 

i want him to spend all the time with me 

i want honesty and what he (sexually) really wants.

good luck to you!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You say that you want to become an "open book" for her sake!

Sam ~ in my estimation, you now must become that "open book!" With absolutely no equivocations!

Disclose everything to her, good or bad! It is the only way that you can foster and possibly regain trust with her!*


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Zombie. Closing.


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