# How long before you went a day without thinking about the affair?



## BetterEveryMinute (Dec 10, 2013)

My wife left for another guy summer 2012. The divorce should be final by the end of the year. So far I think 15 minutes is about the longest I've ever gone without thinking about her betrayal, and although I definitely do not want her back it still hurts.

For those of you a few years past the affair: how long before you went an entire day without thinking about it?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

A little over 2 years, but I'm in R, and see reminders everyday.

It's just recently I'm more focussed on life, leaving the past that I cannot change behind.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

My EW's affair was is 2011 and the divorce was just finalized a few months ago. 

Still think about it every hour of my life.
Still mourn the loss of who I married and still want her back.
Still wake up every morning, expecting her to be there laying next
to me and say to myself "I can't believe that this all actually happened to me."


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## JadedHusband (Aug 17, 2013)

My wife's affair was pretty limited compared to many and it was 10 years ago. But ive gone several days without remembering. Sometimes I get in a rut (as ive been recently) and think about it several times a day. The memory doesnt always affect me the same way. It can either hurt deeply like D day, or just make me sigh and shake my head. Sometimes I think of it and I feel fortunate those days are behind me. 

If my marriage had ended im sure it would plague me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

This is a pretty depressing thread...but necessary.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

In R and almost two years out,I think about it a few days a week,usually something
triggers it.The coward POSOM quit calling/texting and taunting me about four or five
months ago.
Its hard,even with an extremely Remorseful wife....getting better thought.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

My advise is to admit it just didn't work out, that what might have been wasn't in the cards, and get you another baby to love, preferably one younger and better looking. It amazes me that guys who get ditched seem to have this belief that the one they lost had something that no other gal has got. Start dating and she'll become a distant memory. Get the right one and you'll be wanting to shake the guys hand she ran off with. If you think I'm kidding, I'm not.


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

davecarter said:


> This is a pretty depressing thread...but necessary.


Yeah it is lol



ThePheonix said:


> My advise is to admit it just didn't work out, that what might have been wasn't in the cards, and get you another baby to love, preferably one younger and better looking. It amazes me that guys who get ditched seem to have this belief that the one they lost had something that no other gal has got. Start dating and she'll become a distant memory. Get the right one and *you'll be wanting to shake the guys hand she ran off with. If you think I'm kidding, I'm not*.


:smthumbup: That happened almost from the get go for me lol. Still it hurts but I knew she was to much of a mess for me to handle. And then when I did end up with someone afterwards I was reminded that much more how nice it is to be with someone thats normal.


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## Laurel (Oct 14, 2013)

I am interested in the answers to this thread. I am 4 months into R (that is going very well). At first I was thinking of it pretty much every waking second. Thankfully, it is no longer consuming every minute of my day, but obviously I still think about it pretty frequently. I know I will never forget and always have triggers, but hope someday it becomes few and far between.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

For me it is still an all consuming thing. To think the love of my life, the sunrise and sunset of my day betrayed me like this is beyond anything I ever experienced. Served in combat, lost my oldest brother, youngest sister (she died when I was in Iraq), my dad, ect. I suffer from PTSD due to combat and my wife's betrayal is still gut wrenching. 

Had I divorced her I don't think I would be in any better mental shape. 

I do understand why people swallow bullets. 

In some ways I hate the way my brain is wired.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

BetterEveryMinute said:


> My wife left for another guy summer 2012. The divorce should be final by the end of the year. So far I think 15 minutes is about the longest I've ever gone without thinking about her betrayal, and although I definitely do not want her back it still hurts.
> 
> For those of you a few years past the affair: how long before you went an entire day without thinking about it?


BEM

How long were you married?

How long did you know your wife for?

HM


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

4+ years out from DD, caught wife in PA, turns out she had been serially cheating for years. R after sitting the fence for a year.

Truth... I have excepted that it will be a daily reminder. It doesn't shake me as before, just a twinge and a shake of the head thing. 

Here's the point. I don't let it bother that I have reminders... it's a fact of our marriage now... why pretend?


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

DD was June 2, 2012. It surprises me when I find I haven't thought of the A or HER for an hour. We are in R, he is remorseful. Some days are better than others. My mind never shuts it off, it seems. The gut-wrenching can't keep any food down kind of thoughts that come with the shock and disbelief are gone, but they've been replaced with a deep-seated ache that never seems to go away.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

A little over two years for me. We are over 3 years into R.


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

Little over 2 years and I still cry everyday. Think about it every time I look at him or look in the mirror. When ever I see other couples, watch TV, see reminders in every day things, if has never stopped but it is not every reminder hurts as much as the first day, but sometimes they do.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> My advise is to admit it just didn't work out, that what might have been wasn't in the cards, and get you another baby to love, preferably one younger and better looking. It amazes me that guys who get ditched seem to have this belief that the one they lost had something that no other gal has got. Start dating and she'll become a distant memory. Get the right one and you'll be wanting to shake the guys hand she ran off with. If you think I'm kidding, I'm not.


Not so easy being 46 and getting under 40s women to _talk _to you, let alone date you.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

davecarter said:


> Not so easy being 46 and getting under 40s women to _talk _to you, let alone date you.


Please don't focus on age. I think that advice to get younger and hotter women is just for the purpose of being able to prove to yourself that you still can.....and to make the ex jealous. I would focus more on finding a woman who has a good heart and is faithful.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

davecarter said:


> Not so easy being 46 and getting under 40s women to _talk _to you, let alone date you.


Not sure what you mean. I am ten years older and would not have a problem, but I like more mature ladies and if I ever D my wife I know that there are plenty of available women.

I think you should let the under 40's ladies alone and try to find a nice 48 and 1/2 year old.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Why do you need a woman to be happy???

If you aren't happy with yourself, as yourself, by yourself, then you will never BE happy. If you depend on someone else to make you happy, you are depending on them, and that is a huge mistake. I believe that in order to be truly happily married, you have to know you'd be happy NOT being married. Only then are you with someone by choice.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

2 years and 2 months past Dday. I'm still waiting for the day I don't think about it.

Guess it doesn't help for me to continue to visit this board, but that's OK. It feels like I'd be burying my head in the sand otherwise.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I'm not quite sure, but I think it was when I stopped coming to this forum and other infidelity support forums that often. Naturally, coming to a forum like this daily, you're reminded of the affair.

So I would say at the 2 year mark I think, give or take a month or two. Also, there's nothing like an unrelated family crisis or two to divert your mind away from the betrayal for a little bit.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I am sixteen months out and I think about it every day, several times a day, usually when I'm doing something that doesn't require too much concentration like doing the dishes or cooking dinner... times when your mind can wander. I don't cry so much anymore. Maybe once a month or less but I get angry everyday and sad most days. It's not very severe and I can snap out of it but it's still everyday.

I'm definitely sad, definitely bitter. I don't want to be so I pretend that I'm not on the outside but inside I'm still seething and sad.


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Why do you need a woman to be happy???
> 
> If you aren't happy with yourself, as yourself, by yourself, then you will never BE happy. If you depend on someone else to make you happy, you are depending on them, and that is a huge mistake. I believe that in order to be truly happily married, you have to know you'd be happy NOT being married. Only then are you with someone by choice.


It had taken me 3 years to get over my first serious love who had torn my heart out. I was single and realized that I was happy and OK with it for all of a week. I had recently been offered and was seriously considering a job to run a diamond dredge on a river in Sierra Leone. 'figured it'd be a hell of an adventure. 

The night that I was out in a bar and had decided I was going to go was the same night I met my W. When I came up for air a couple of months later Sierra Leone had gone into civil war. I've since been involved in something much more fraught with peril - marriage.

In retrospect, maybe I'd have been better off going off after the diamonds...

I've come to the conclusion that God hates a happy *single* man (lol)


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## bartendersfriend (Oct 14, 2013)

It has been just over 3 months since DDay for me. There is not a day that has gone by that I don't think about it almost all day. I feel great when I realize I have gone an hour or two without having it cross my mind (but, that is rare). It is usually the first thing I think of in the morning, there are triggers all day, and then the last thing I think of before going to sleep.

Sleep isn't even safe either though. I have at least 2-3 dreams a week about the subject. Either the AP shows up (he is a former best friend), I catch her back involved with him, or my wife does/says something to hurt me in the dream. Nothing like waking up hurting all over again in the middle of the night. There is just no break from it.

It is the new reality. I don't know if that will ever change, but I look forward to those thoughts being fewer and farther between.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

RWB said:


> 4+ years out from DD, caught wife in PA, turns out she had been serially cheating for years. R after sitting the fence for a year.
> 
> Truth... I have excepted that it will be a daily reminder. It doesn't shake me as before, just a twinge and a shake of the head thing.
> 
> Here's the point. I don't let it bother that I have reminders... it's a fact of our marriage now... why pretend?


Same here... nearing 5 years out. I am reminded every day. It's sort of like my bum elbow (shattered it in my youth). Every single day I feel that pain and get reminded.. Some days it's bad. Usually though, it's just another scar from my past and that's about all the thought that goes into it. 

Basically, it doesn't go away, it just no longer bothers or upsets you. It just is.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

I am divorcing my ww - dday was just over a year ago. I do not want her back and I am happy with my new life - but I still think of the betrayal every day.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

You are so lucky she left. This clears out any doubt of what your future has to hold. You will feel pain and sadness for a long time. It does suck but its a lot better with her being gone than her being there messing with your head. 

So many of us got sucked into this. Move on and find someone else. The best way to heal is to find new love. Go live your life and don't look back. 

Clay


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Three years post d-day. I am also 14 months since getting remarried (different wife).

Still think about it most days.

It is mostly not painful, because I honestly am grateful to have gone through hell to find a better woman.

I use the memory to focus my thinking. It is a tool to keep me moving in a good direction.

It is a problem when the memory causes me to be intolerent. I am much quicker to call bvllsh!t on stuff I don't like with my new wife.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

July 8th 2011 was Dday. We are still in R but there is not a day goes by that I do not think about it. It is mostly about anger and not mind movies. I still day dream about beating the crap out of the POS OM. I thought he was an ass in High School and 30 years later he is still the same POS.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Dreams were few to begin with,maybe three over the almost two years.
I would always think about it first thing in the morning,that still happens but maybe
once or twice a week and not for long.
During the day maybe three or four times a week and usually not for long.
So I guess I don't think about it 2-3 times a week,if I do it can be fleeting.
At least once a week it still hits me hard.....getting there....slowly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

2.5 years out, and I think of it single everyday. We are kinda of in R, and for the first time, starting mc after all this time.

My life separated, constantly reminded me of h affair, as now I find my lifesyle completely different than it was. When we are together, it is constantly in my face why we are struggling to get back to something that never will be the same ever again. 

It never is far from my thoughts because everything is so different now. 

~sammy


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I don't know when I stopped thinking of it every day. The first occurrence was 30 years ago. The second occurrence was a few years ago. Up to the time of my divorce I was still thinking of the second occurrence every day. Now I'm not. Time and circumstances help.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

BetterEveryMinute said:


> My wife left for another guy summer 2012. The divorce should be final by the end of the year. So far I think 15 minutes is about the longest I've ever gone without thinking about her betrayal, and although I definitely do not want her back it still hurts.
> 
> For those of you a few years past the affair: how long before you went an entire day without thinking about it?


Found out about it in 2006--still not a day goes by that it doesn't cross my mind. Most times these days I can quickly move past thinking about it very much, but not always...


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

.....+18 years ...and I think / have thought about it in some capacity every day.

.....am absolutely convinced that it's shortening my life somehow.


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## 1812overture (Nov 25, 2013)

FWIW, asking this question on this board is probably a case of selection bias. On the imaginary board "no longer coping with infidelity" most of the members no longer think about it, except that board has no members.


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## HealthyMe (Jul 2, 2012)

Several years ago, at about the 15 mile marker, I discovered that my H had had 3 affairs. A lot was going on in our lives, in our extended families' lives, so we rug swept, moved on. I lost my dad, was consumed by a lot of grief, and so I can honestly say that I did not think of my H's infidelity much at all. And I believed he was remorseful and would never do it again.

Two years ago I discovered that my husband was in a 4th affair. He trickle truthed me and did the dance of False R for about a year. I think about this every day, throughout the day, pretty much the first thought upon waking up in the morning and the last thought before going to sleep. Thankfully I do not dream about it often.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Years. But eventually it doesn't hurt any more.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Its going to be a long time before I can go 5 minutes without thinking about it. Its only been 3 weeks though.....

Funny thing is, while I'm at work I really hate my wife for what she did. I'm pissed at her the entire day, i have no interest in talking to her when she calls. I dont bother ever calling her. I'm pissed.

When I get home I dont feel that way. I'm relatively okay. I hope that changes soon.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

badmemory said:


> Guess it doesn't help for me to continue to visit this board, but that's OK. It feels like I'd be burying my head in the sand otherwise.


Sometimes I feel like i shouldnt be here everyday. Its really depressing having to come to this section. However, its been a really nice outlet for me to vent and talk to others who are going through the same thing.


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## BetterEveryMinute (Dec 10, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> BEM
> 
> How long were you married?
> 
> ...


Knew her 6 years, married 4


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

hawx20 said:


> Its going to be a long time before I can go 5 minutes without thinking about it. Its only been 3 weeks though.....
> 
> Funny thing is, while I'm at work I really hate my wife for what she did. I'm pissed at her the entire day, i have no interest in talking to her when she calls. I dont bother ever calling her. I'm pissed.
> 
> When I get home I dont feel that way. I'm relatively okay. I hope that changes soon.


 Being at work on the mill was real bad,I left early a lot,I was gonna kill someone or 
my self by accident.Once I almost took out two guys with the crane that had a 35 ton coil
on it,I was a basket case and not safe to work with.
My foreman went through infidelity with his wife ( much worse than mine ) so
He understood and excused all the times I left early,sometimes I was only at work for
an hour,I rarely ever called off or left early.
Going home to be with the wife mad me feel better most of the time,she calmed me down.
I still can't get past the irony of that.
Almost two years out and its getting much better in our R.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

BetterEveryMinute said:


> My wife left for another guy summer 2012. The divorce should be final by the end of the year. So far I think 15 minutes is about the longest I've ever gone without thinking about her betrayal, and although I definitely do not want her back it still hurts.
> 
> For those of you a few years past the affair: how long before you went an entire day without thinking about it?


Divorced 3/28/200* So for me that was 3/29/200*


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Not very promising,((sigh)) is it? 

~ sammy


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