# What's a healthy boudary for "friends"?



## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

Hey all,

My wife is a very friendly person and I have recently been really worried and jealous of her male friends. Of course, facebook has brought everything to a whole new level in everyone's lives.

So I am wondering what is normal and healthy and if I am over-reacting.

She has made a guy friend recently and we have actually gone out with him and his wife to do things together. We all like each other and get a long great. A lot of common interests and they are great friends. But she is really pushing the friend thing to the max. She emails him and texts him and chats online with him a lot. She is like a rash when it comes to his facebook posts. I get really uncomfortable and every time I bring it up a huge fight follows.

All I am asking is that if he truly is just a friend then why not keep a safer distance? Lay off the texting and stuff. The other day my wife planned a photo field trip with a girl friend of hers and then I saw on one of her facebook photos that she had invited this guy friend to go along with them. And she didn't even tell me or ask if it was okay.

She swears it is all innocent but my trust is out the door at this point.

So tell me. What is normal and healthy when it comes to having friends of the opposite sex?

Thanks for any help.


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

I think when inviting a male friend to an outing, and not letting your h know is breaking the boundary of 'friendship.' I know people say "well I don't have to tell you when i invite 'girlfriends', just because he is a male why should it be any different?" The way I see it, it IS different. Unless the person is homosexual, there IS usually attraction between men and women. I say this even though growing up, my best friend was a male, then in our early 20's, sexual tension between us happened. Even though I had always thought of him a 'brother' type, and never thought we would ever end up in a intimate relationship, somehow attraction snuck up on us. We never acted on it, but it was there regardless. Eventually our friendship faded because of the problems it caused for the bf/gf's in our lives.

Sorry got off track w/ my personal experience. Yes I think the boundary was crossed, but that doesn't mean she has any intentions w/ this man, but not telling you she invited him does raise a (little) red flag, would w/ me anyway. If you've never had a trust issue w/ her though, and if she truly just thought this would not bother you, maybe it was just an oversight on her part.
-stumble


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

While I don't agree that there is ALWAYS attraction between a man and a woman who are friends, I do agree that telling your significant other/spouse when going on an outing with an opposite sex friend is necessary. I have a male friend whom I've know for...oh, gosh, about 12 years I guess, long before I ever met my boyfriend. There is nothing more than friendship between us, but even so, if I were going to see this friend, I would definitely be letting my boyfriend know, and more than likely, asking him to go with us. I have nothing to hide from my boyfriend, and that includes my friends. So, even though the other stuff really doesn't sound like a big deal to me, the outing is a huge red flag for me. Constant texting, emailing, and so forth...I hate the phone. I tend to, aside from in-person communication, communicate by text or email as much as possible, simply because I hate being on the phone. My boyfriend is about the only person I'll make an exception for and spend hours on the phone with, and that's because when we got together, he was an otr trucker, so it was our only means of real communication. And even if your wife is cool with the phone, maybe this other guy is like me, and just hates the phone. So, they text and email. 

I would confront her about the outing. Her reaction to that confrontation (try to keep it calm, though), should tell you if the rest is really something to worry about.


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

Well, I have had trust issues in the past. After we were married she admitted to still being in love with a past boyfriend. Nothing happened. Then about 6 months after we were married she nearly had an affair with a mutual friend of ours. Nothing happened but it was close. My mother almost cheated on my dad, my sister cheated on her husband and my other sister's husband cheated on her. I also have an uncle that did the same to his wife.

So surely you may see my trust issues now that I am 39 and my life is passing before my eyes


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

Since there has been trust issues in the past, I would keep a close eye on this. If she knows all the texting and emailing bothers you, she should really stop and put your feelings first. And if he is truly a 'friend' he wouldn't want to be involved in creating problems in the marriage and should cut way down on the contact between them, out of respect for you. 
Stumble


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

tj71 said:


> Hey all,
> 
> My wife is a very friendly person and I have recently been really worried and jealous of her male friends. Of course, facebook has brought everything to a whole new level in everyone's lives.
> 
> ...


Does the other guys wife know about the texting and planned trip? If not next time you're all together I'd make a joke of it. Something like "Geesh the way these two text each other and plan trips together without letting me know you'd think they're having an emotional affair or something".

If there's nothing in it they'll not take offence and share your joke. If there is they'll be offended and be defensive.

Bob


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I've never cheated. I've never even let myself get into a situation where it would be a possibility.

I only drink with my DH, or in a group of girlfriends. I've visited other couples and hung out, but I've never contacted the husband on his own (unless it's to do with babysitting kids), and I wouldn't, out of respect to my DH and my girlfriend. In my group of married couples, there was a couple where the husband was overly familiar with the ladies. He was stonewalled by the lot of us.

I used to have single male friends when I met my DH, but they faded into the past, and I'm ok with that.

I'm not on facebook, I don't want to comment on that because my views of it differ so greatly from most other people.

Maybe others think this is a little over the top, but, I know my DHs limits, what he will and will not accept, as he knows mine. We don't flirt, we both see it as cheating. Even in online gaming where people think everything is ok because it's not in person, we never flirt. When people tried with me, I'd ignore them or 'slap' them. As far as I've seen, girls don't even attempt it on DH, even though I've heard from others that some of the younger office ladies at a certain business simper when he's onsite to do something. I don't find that threatening at all, because he'd never acknowledge it if he even noticed it.

I guess both partners need to agree on what is and what is not acceptable, and both have to abide by it.


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

Wow Breeze, I long for it to be that way with my wife and I. Life would be so much simpler and pleasant.


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

So a little update. Since I had been suspicious of my wife, to the point where I thought I was mentally ill, I finally questioned her enough that she told me all She had been texting this friend of ours with flirtatious texts and sexual innuendos. They pretty much texted everything without using explicit language.

This was almost two weeks ago that I found out. I feel like we have progressed a lot. We are getting counseling and she realizes how dumb it all was. 

So now I have some more questions. Yesterday was the first day since i found out that she got offended that I was asking her questions. I am fairly untrusintg and it may take a long time to give her my trust back. She talks with another friend of ours who had actually cheated on his wife. She is asking him things for support trying to work through her emotional feelings. 

She also still has other guy friends on FB that text her for one reason or another...and these are legitimate. One guy is my daughter's band teacher and so texts about band happen between them. 

Wether or not the contact with other guys is legitimate and innocent, i calmly questioned her why one of those guys wanted her to call him (from a post on her FB wall) and what she had talked about with this other guy that had cheated on his wife. These are also friends of mine so my questioning was actually really legitimate becasue I was genuinely curious. At the end of the day she told me she was upset and felt like i was watching her with a microscope.

First off, I have every right to question her right now, and second should she be getting upset at my questioning her?

Any help would be great. I am going to get counseling to work through my esteem and trust issues but am I right for being suspicious again? This is killing me!


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

A healthy boundary is no discussing sex, intimacy or relationship problems with your spouse. Keep the discussion to work, hobbies, politics, etc.


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## jeffreygropp (Jun 9, 2010)

If she is still getting defensive, she's still guilty of something. Ask her what she is hiding. Otherwise she would have no problem with you not trusting her... since she broke your trust.

This will not be the last time this happens. 

Ask yourself why she did it in the first place. She's unhappy and looking to others to fill a void you are not providing. Look there for help solving the CORE issue.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

if you haven't done so already, explain the reasons why you have trust issues in the first place so she fully understands that something innocent can create trust issues with you.

I agree with others that there has to be boundaries in place but if she doesn't know and agree with those boundaries, then you will continue to have problems.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Wow, sounds like your wife loves the attention these guys are giving her. I've read quite a few major red flags from the things you mentioned on here. I mean, chatting it up with a guy who's already had an afair. Sounds like she enjoys playing with fire. I'd say you have a right to question her. Be precise, but even keeled in your concerns, explain that this isn't acceptable behavior for a married woman. Ask her how she'd feel if the roles were reversed.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She's twice over lost any right to be defensive over your reasonable and justified suspicions. After marrying you, she has been serially inappropriate with two guys that you know of and God knows how many that you don't. Credibility is like virginity. You either are or you aren't and once you've lost it, you can't completely get it back. That she traded her's off for a few cheap thrills is her problem. You don't have "issues" with trust. You just aren't an idiot. A guy doesn't email or text a woman several times a day every day unless he's gay or looking to get laid. The "love him like a brother" guy is like a unicorn. I've heard of them but never seen one and seriously doubt they exist. She's turning to some cheating guy for emotional support and marriage advise? That's like a gazelle going to a lion for nutrition advise. 
For someone who aint fishing, her line seems to always be in the water.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

She isn't looking to the cheating guy for advice-she's looking for justification.


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