# I know this sounds stupid.....



## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Like a lot of married couples things below the surface seem to come up when you have an argument or disagreement about something entirely different. My wife informed me today that she is adopting a stray cat. I am not a fan of cats so this is news I was not happy with. I said that a cat was something we ought to discuss first (we also have two dogs one of which would probably kill a cat if she got the chance). My wife protested that she wants to make this decision, as I would likely disagree and she suggested there are lots of things she’d like to do that I keep her from doing because I “would disagree.” I don’t feel this is true and asked her for an example or two which she wouldn’t address. I asked in all sincerity - I don’t want to be THAT guy. After a bit of this and that I said, ok, just keep it away from the dog and I don’t want it in our bed. 

It floored me when she said the cat will be ok in our bed and she’d be willing to sleep in a separate room if I didn’t agree. Obviously there is an issue here beyond a cat – which I also suggested. She said she loves curling up next to me but given her limited time (she works two jobs – by choice) the cat needs nighttime attention. I am not sure I get what’s going on here, I’m not the brightest guy in the world but her insistence is speaking to something beyond a stray cat.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> Like a lot of married couples things below the surface seem to come up when you have an argument or disagreement about something entirely different. My wife informed me today that she is adopting a stray cat. I am not a fan of cats so this is news I was not happy with. I said that a cat was something we ought to discuss first (we also have two dogs one of which would probably kill a cat if she got the chance). My wife protested that she wants to make this decision, as I would likely disagree and she suggested there are lots of things she’d like to do that I keep her from doing because I “would disagree.” I don’t feel this is true and asked her for an example or two which she wouldn’t address. I asked in all sincerity - I don’t want to be THAT guy. After a bit of this and that I said, ok, just keep it away from the dog and I don’t want it in our bed.
> 
> 
> 
> It floored me when she said the cat will be ok in our bed and she’d be willing to sleep in a separate room if I didn’t agree. Obviously there is an issue here beyond a cat – which I also suggested. She said she loves curling up next to me but given her limited time (she works two jobs – by choice) the cat needs nighttime attention. I am not sure I get what’s going on here, I’m not the brightest guy in the world but her insistence is speaking to something beyond a stray cat.




Hi.

I do agree that the decision to get a cat is something she should've discussed with you first. The fact you don't like cats should also be taken into consideration, it's incredibly selfish to get a pet your partner does not like.

I have to agree that pets really shouldn't be in the marital bed, that's a place the both of you should get some quality time together. 

The fact your wife has went behind your back trying to adopt a cat and is now saying it will be sleeping in the bed (especially knowing you aren't comfortable with cats) suggests she knows this so was trying to get rid of you from the bed but as that hasn't worked she's said she will sleep elsewhere.

If she's prioritising a cat over you then there's something deeply wrong. Don't just accept it, try and find out why she's doing this and if you can both try and fix it and if not tell her to take her cat and hit the road! 


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sounds like you got passed over for a stray cat. Jeez marriage is hard.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I don't think a cat is worth arguing over personally, but you need to find out why she is willing to move to another bed so easily. The only reason I can think of is to punish you or she simply isn't into sharing a bed with you. Either one would be a good reason to have a nice long talk about it. It appears to me that she is perhaps holding some resentment toward you. Was the dog adoption a mutual idea? Does it share your room? You need to seriously discuss this with her. 

When I was young, I was taught that animals were meant to be outside, not in the house. When we got married, my wife wanted a house cat to keep her company when I travel. In order to keep the peace, I gave in. 21 years later and we have pretty much always had at least one cat. They kind of grow on you if you get the right one. 

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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Sounds that way...


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

TX-SC said:


> I don't think a cat is worth arguing over personally, but you need to find out why she is willing to move to another bed so easily. The only reason I can think of is to punish you or she simply isn't into sharing a bed with you. Either one would be a good reason to have a nice long talk about it. It appears to me that she is perhaps holding some resentment toward you. Was the dog adoption a mutual idea? Does it share your room? You need to seriously discuss this with her.
> 
> When I was young, I was taught that animals were meant to be outside, not in the house. When we got married, my wife wanted a house cat to keep her company when I travel. In order to keep the peace, I gave in. 21 years later and we have pretty much always had at least one cat. They kind of grow on you if you get the right one.
> 
> Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


Thanks, The dogs were her idea too although I picked the breed. I didn't have pets growing up so I don't really need them. No, the dogs don't sleep in the room. I think I did try to keep the peace by saying yes to the cat, I just believe animals don't belong in the bed with a couple. The fact that she will sleep elsewhere to me is an alarm.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Loveontherocks said:


> Hi.
> 
> I do agree that the decision to get a cat is something she should've discussed with you first. The fact you don't like cats should also be taken into consideration, it's incredibly selfish to get a pet your partner does not like.
> 
> ...


Thanks, I gave in and accepted the cat, but the bed is for the two of us. You're right though, there is something here that needs to be discussed.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> Thanks, I gave in and accepted the cat, but the bed is for the two of us. You're right though, there is something here that needs to be discussed.




There really must be more to it. Try and sit her down and have a chat with her about it. Us women really appreciate when our men notice something is bothering us and want to talk to us about it so it can be resolved. I hope you both get it sorted and you never know the cat may grow on you lol.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Loveontherocks said:


> There really must be more to it. Try and sit her down and have a chat with her about it. Us women really appreciate when our men notice something is bothering us and want to talk to us about it so it can be resolved. I hope you both get it sorted and you never know the cat may grow on you lol.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Us men really appreciate when you just actually tell us when something is bothering you.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Has your wife agreed to keep the cat out of the bed?

All pets should be mutually agreed upon by both spouses before bringing into a home. 

If you don't want pets in the bed, then that is the end of the discussion.

I agree with others- the cat is a weapon she is using against you - question is why?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

It's usually never about the thing that they bring us...it is something unlying the thing....ask yourself what does the cat represent to her...power play...control? Here is what she did...I am adopting this cat....no, let talk about it....no...okay but no to sleeping in our bed...she will sleep with me in our bed or in another room....okay....someone has been taking assertive training..


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Us men really appreciate when you just actually tell us when something is bothering you.




And I'm sure you know us women love to let you know when something's bothering us  


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Has your wife agreed to keep the cat out of the bed?
> 
> All pets should be mutually agreed upon by both spouses before bringing into a home.
> 
> ...


No, the wife said she will sleep in a separate bed if I don't want the cat in our bed.
She didn't ask about the cat before hand, but I reluctantly agreed to keep the peace but put my foot down about the bed.
That should be the end of it but I'll be sleeping alone I guess.
That is the question isn't it? Something we have to discuss, something else is going on here...


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

You should tell her that if she wants to sleep alone she may want to live alone if she pushes to far.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Xenote said:


> You should tell her that if she wants to sleep alone she may want to live alone if she pushes to far.


It does sound like some brinkmanship on her part. Trouble is she also says she loves sleeping next to me. It is curious. They can't both be true as they say...


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> Trouble is she also says she loves sleeping next to me. It is curious. They can't both be true as they say...


Don't look at what she says, look at what she does.

Dude she gave you up for a stray cat. 

That says everything.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

It just seems rather... odd. 

After all this is a "stray" cat. Wanting it in the bed with her? How long had you had the cat? Has it been to the vet for full check up? Is it feral? Friendly? Fleas? 

Just seems she is pushing your buttons. Brings home a cat... demands to sleep with the cat.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Xenote said:


> You should tell her that if she wants to sleep alone she may want to live alone if she pushes to far.





browser said:


> Don't look at what she says, look at what she does.
> 
> Dude she gave you up for a stray cat.
> 
> That says everything.


I think it's worth talking, if she says that directly, time to move on...


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> It just seems rather... odd.
> 
> After all this is a "stray" cat. Wanting it in the bed with her? How long had you had the cat? Has it been to the vet for full check up? Is it feral? Friendly? Fleas?
> 
> Just seems she is pushing your buttons. Brings home a cat... demands to sleep with the cat.


It's from the humane society, we don't even have it yet. She told me this today and then left for work before we could discuss it.
She now says she wants to discuss it rationally, but to me there is nothing rational in her wanting to leave our bed to take care of a cat.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Us men really appreciate when you just actually tell us when something is bothering you.


"I can't BELIEVE you don't know why I'm upset!!!!!!!!!!!"


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Why does the cat need to be taken care of off in another room? Is it a baby kitten?*


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> It does sound like some brinkmanship on her part. Trouble is she also says she loves sleeping next to me. It is curious. They can't both be true as they say...


both can be true and both can be false....it all depends in the mind set of the phase at the moment....she is testing the waters with a comment like that....with her there is no middle ground...no negotiation...its on her terms, but then she throws you a bone, i like to sleep next to me...and the cat


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *Why does the cat need to be taken care of off in another room? Is it a baby kitten?*


The cat is a ten year old cat, she says it needs attention.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *Why does the cat need to be taken care of off in another room? Is it a baby kitten?*





Xenote said:


> both can be true and both can be false....it all depends in the mind set of the phase at the moment....she is testing the waters with a comment like that....with her there is no middle ground...no negotiation...its on her terms, but then she throws you a bone, i like to sleep next to me...and the cat


Thanks for the comment, I wish I knew the answer.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

No reasonable person would want a strange, stray 10 yr old cat that requires "attention" immediately in their bed. And PS Im a cat person.

This is a test.

Keep us posted.

Good luck.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> No reasonable person would want a strange, stray 10 yr old cat that requires "attention" immediately in their bed. And PS Im a cat person.
> 
> This is a test.
> 
> ...


Thanks very much for the comments, I will!


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Us men really appreciate when you just actually tell us when something is bothering you.


Sorry Philly, most men do not have this problem. Most men want women to hold back when unloading the "Bother Mes" on their plate. The problem a lot of men have is sifting through the tort committee charge filings that she generates. Which ones are important? Sort them out by severity, from a guilty males perspective, mind you!


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

Your wife may feel lonely, isolated and unappreciated. She knew before hand that you would not want the cat in your bed, so she was prepared with the answer. I think your wife is starving for attention. As others have said, there appears to be some hurt and resentment towards you. No women leaves the marital bed for no reason. Resentment or excessive snoring on your part could be the reason. But she would tell you that fact!

The cat idea? I suspect one of her friends or relatives has one. She saw how affectionate "that" cat was and thought that she would like to receive this type of feline attention herself.

Cats are very set in their ways. You do not train them, they train you. An old cat that is not already warm and affectionate will be very hard to change into the cat that she wants.

Male cats tend to spray and pee more inappropriately than female cats. Female cats are easier to litter box train. Male cats tend to be more friendly.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

ulyssesheart said:


> Your wife may feel lonely, isolated and unappreciated. She knew before hand that you would not want the cat in your bed, so she was prepared with the answer. I think your wife is starving for attention. As others have said, there appears to be some hurt and resentment towards you. No women leaves the marital bed for no reason. Resentment or excessive snoring on your part could be the reason. But she would tell you that fact!
> 
> The cat idea? I suspect one of her friends or relatives has one. She saw how affectionate "that" cat was and thought that she would like to receive this type of feline attention herself.
> 
> ...


That could be possible. However, she works two jobs that keep her out of the house from morning until about 11:00 at night (yes she is at her jobs) Saturday's she spends with her mom and dad (they're both in bad health, I get that) Sunday she sleeps mostly. I have encouraged her to take one job (we don't need the extra income) but I suspect she does it to stave off depression, to giver herself something to do.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

You're getting a sh!t test from her. That cat probably has less to do with the situation than whatever dynamic is going on between you. Her telling you that she is fine with replacing you in bed (with something you don't like) is a message designed to put you in your place and devalue your relationship.... or to get your attention. You need to be clear that this is likely a statement of your demotion in her esteem. Is she bluffing? Is she just telling you she likes to cuddle to keep you hooked? Only you can decide. 

How invested are you in this relationship? Got Kids? How difficult would it be for you to cut your losses? 

24 years ago I had a wife deliver me a similar message and I responded weakly. It ended very poorly for me. I learned my lessons through a most exquisite and prolonged agony. This caused me to grow a spine and find my dignity, plus demand respect from others. If I ever encounter this situation again I will go scorched earth on my partner by feigning to comply with the nonsense while the divorce papers are being prepared to blindside her asap. This is a non negotiable doctrine for me, but might not be right for you. 

I'm not saying you should do as I would, but in my case I bought my lessons at a dear price and I will never forget them. Never, never again will I sacrifice my dignity and self respect in order to gratify a spouse. Good luck in finding your way.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> That could be possible. However, she works two jobs that keep her out of the house from morning until about 11:00 at night (yes she is at her jobs) Saturday's she spends with her mom and dad (they're both in bad health, I get that) Sunday she sleeps mostly. I have encouraged her to take one job (we don't need the extra income) *but I suspect she does it to stave off depression*, to giver herself something to do.


possibly. 

your marriage will fail at that rate though. you never spend any time together...

you might want to start scheduling date nights, time together and such. personally, i like pets, but i have had to tell my wife no a few times. it seems like every time i deploy we end up with another cat... and then she wants to get another cat to celebrate my return! we would have a dozen cats by now. as it is, we have three.

the sleeping in different beds though, thats a much more serious matter. so, not only does your wife refuse to spend time with you, but she wont even sleep next to you? yea... that is the beginning of your marriage sailing off the brink.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> That could be possible. However, she works two jobs that keep her out of the house from morning until about 11:00 at night (yes she is at her jobs) Saturday's she spends with her mom and dad (they're both in bad health, I get that) Sunday she sleeps mostly. I have encouraged her to take one job (we don't need the extra income) but *I suspect she does it to stave off depression, to giver herself something to do.*


So someone who spends virtually no time with you has suggested a stupid reason to spend even less time with you. I suspect the two jobs has more to do with your relationship than her boredom.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> Thanks, I gave in and accepted the cat, but the bed is for the two of us.


That's debatable...


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

commonsenseisn't said:


> You're getting a sh!t test from her. That cat probably has less to do with the situation than whatever dynamic is going on between you. Her telling you that she is fine with replacing you in bed (with something you don't like) is a message designed to put you in your place and devalue your relationship.... or to get your attention. You need to be clear that this is likely a statement of your demotion in her esteem. Is she bluffing? Is she just telling you she likes to cuddle to keep you hooked? Only you can decide.
> 
> How invested are you in this relationship? Got Kids? How difficult would it be for you to cut your losses?
> 
> ...


Thanks for the feedback - cutting losses? Our kids are grown and we've been married 30 years. This really is a curve ball for me.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I've had cats my whole life, shelters and bred ones. 

All my cats have slept with me, but not before a full checkup and the vets assurance they are clean, regardless of where they came from. Then I check them myself regularly, because even though they are indoor, we have 3x high energy dogs who spend a lot of time outdoors and could drop anything in the house. 

Fleas, ringworm, other worms, ear mites, the list goes on as to what could be in the bed if not cautious. Many fleas are now resistant to some of the top mainstream treatments. I have to use a flea treatment on our barn cat that I can only buy from the vet because of this. 

I agree that you have more problems than a cat if she doesn't care about sleeping separately. She sounds more like a roommate.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Honestly it sends a powerful message she is starved for affection, and she doesn't necessarily want affection from you. I agree with what someone else said, she is finding reasons to spend less time with you.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Not a fan of cats, I prefer dogs. I find them pretty gross and don't want that nastiness in my bed or bedroom. Do NOT back down.

Bless your wife for rescuing an animal. Even though I may not like cats, they're still God's creatures. So she's to be commended for that.

But it's pretty painfully clear this woman has completely emotionally detached from you. 

When you're working 2 jobs to avoid being home and finding a reason NOT to sleep with your husband, the writing is on the wall.

Sorry.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

john117 said:


> That's debatable...


That is one fine looking cat.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> No reasonable person would want a strange, stray 10 yr old cat that requires "attention" immediately in their bed. And PS Im a cat person.
> 
> This is a test.
> 
> ...


Or he is supposed to fold and just get with the cat programme?

My wife's late and much lamented (by me, too) Tom was a very strong willed cat.

He saw my wife and I making love. He had a face like thunder and disappeared.

To get his revenge for what he must have considered a slight on his feline manhood, he peed on my pillow! 

I washed my hair and got a new pillow.

We didn't punish him. I actually felt sorry for him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Not a fan of cats, I prefer dogs. I find them pretty gross and don't want that nastiness in my bed or bedroom. Do NOT back down.
> 
> Bless your wife for rescuing an animal. Even though I may not like cats, they're still God's creatures. So she's to be commended for that.
> 
> ...


It's nothing like that. She knows that once he sees the cat, he will fall in love, too. :grin2:


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> That is one fine looking cat.


It's a pillowcat!


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

UPDATE: Thanks for all the thoughtful responses, I talked to my wife last night (she still is emphatic that this isn't about larger issues) I said to her that she was in effect saying that I was less important than a cat. She said I am being way too dramatic and that she decided not to get the cat anyway. Some folks have suggested she might be starved for attention. That could be, but I am not sure how working two jobs six days a week can remedy that - away from the people you might want attention from? I could very well say the same as she is gone most of the time.

I still think this is about larger issues. For now I seem to be more important than a stray cat, but we definitely need to get to the bottom of the actual issues.

Thanks


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> For now I seem to be more important than a stray cat


You weren't yesterday.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

browser said:


> You weren't yesterday.


You are correct which is why we are talking...


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> You are correct which is why we are talking...


I'm saying that you still aren't more important than a stray cat. Whatever her reasons for not taking on the stray, it has little to nothing to do with you.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

browser said:


> I'm saying that you still aren't more important than a stray cat. Whatever her reasons for not taking on the stray, it has little to nothing to do with you.


I hear you. And, I suppose there will always be that next thing. Not sure what to do about it other than talk and try to understand the issues.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

The work thing is a big issue. Couples need at least 15 hours a week of time together, without children or other distractions. It doesn't matter what you do, but that you do it together. 

Start there. 15 dedicated hours a week for the next month. See where it leads.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Satya said:


> The work thing is a big issue. Couples need at least 15 hours a week of time together, without children or other distractions. It doesn't matter what you do, but that you do it together.
> 
> Start there. 15 dedicated hours a week for the next month. See where it leads.


Thanks - I have been trying to get her to go to one job. She has plenty of skills and we don't need her to work them both. She does struggle with depression and I think the two jobs fill up the time to an extent. But I agree she'd be better off with more family time, I would be that's for sure. Thanks for the response!


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Good thing she didn't get the cat, because if she did I would have been forced to counsel you to go buy a motorcycle....


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> Like a lot of married couples things below the surface seem to come up when you have an argument or disagreement about something entirely different. My wife informed me today that she is adopting a stray cat. I am not a fan of cats so this is news I was not happy with. I said that a cat was something we ought to discuss first (we also have two dogs one of which would probably kill a cat if she got the chance). My wife protested that she wants to make this decision, as I would likely disagree and she suggested there are lots of things she’d like to do that I keep her from doing because I “would disagree.” I don’t feel this is true and asked her for an example or two which she wouldn’t address. I asked in all sincerity - I don’t want to be THAT guy. After a bit of this and that I said, ok, just keep it away from the dog and I don’t want it in our bed.
> 
> It floored me when she said the cat will be ok in our bed and she’d be willing to sleep in a separate room if I didn’t agree. Obviously there is an issue here beyond a cat – which I also suggested. She said she loves curling up next to me but given her limited time (she works two jobs – by choice) the cat needs nighttime attention. I am not sure I get what’s going on here, I’m not the brightest guy in the world but her insistence is speaking to something beyond a stray cat.


Tell her you have a cat allergy.
Edit: Sorry didn't read till the end of the thread.
It was probably a control thing ("I want you to respect my decisions" etc).
Maybe she feels guilty you are working too much? Can you not share the burden/for her to take on a job for some of the time if the kids are older.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

... She works so much by choice. He says they don't need the money.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Sorry but it doesn't seem like you have a connection with your W anymore. You also don't seem to be very clued in to what she needs or wants - is this in general? Are you not very talkative with her? Do you text during the day, buy her little trinkets, etc to let her know you're thinking about her?

I suggest counseling for yourself or as a couple. A good one will probe you and help you see how good you are at connnecting with your W


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