# 14 years together, 12 married



## gbol (Dec 17, 2013)

Hi, I needed to seperate myself from the situation, so I wrote my story (following). In the story I wrote the ending which is what I imagine will happen. I have not left yet, but it is on the cards. The pastors will be leaving in a week or so. Also I caved and had a callout girl visit me for sex, i needed intimacy, although it was empty and business like. I have never been unfaithful, until now, she took my virginity 14 years ago. If my wife finds out I've done this she'll leave for sure Read the story for context. I need feedback


Short story
In Rarotonga my memories of our last 12 years together brought me happiness in times of being lonely. I forgot briefly of all the turmoil that had occurred in the last 8 months at home i New Zealand. It lead me into a false sense of everything being alright, taking a turn for the better upon my return home, as they say distance makes the heart grow fonder. The welcome home I got the early summers day in Newtown, dentist or no dentist, was the coldest one ever, from anyone, let alone my life partner, my wife. My heart sunk.
The thoughts and memories from the previous months crept back slowly into my mind over the next few days. Never were there any smiles, warm touch. One morning after waking I had sex with her while she lay on her side. It was sex, not love. Intimacy was one of the first victims of the fallout over the neighbors in May 2013. I can never forgive her for taking the side of the neighbors over mine, her husband. I had my weaknesses pulled out in front of them, my wife, and her new family. Embarrassing as it was, I went to professionals to address the things that were disturbing my wife. Love is patient, it has to be, my wife and her obsession with the neighbor, abnormal time together, this damned neighbor had started using my time budget with my wife without asking me. I decided to talk to my wife about it, her reply was schedule a meeting, make an appointment. How could the neighbor had used my all my free pass time.
Marriage counseling provided a tick in the box for her, however she failed to apply anything she learnt. Instead of communicating and spending quality time, she went out with the neighbor, staying out till late while I waited at home anxiously waiting for her to return. Ironically her complaint of me was that I was away to much, distant when I was home. Now here I was lonely, while she was away, and distant when home, returning after I had gone to sleep. To me there is a difference between duty and socializing. What is good for the gander is apparently no good for the goose I thought to myself.
During this horrible process it was made know to me that the last 12 years had been a night mare for my wife, and no longer would she do things to keep me happy. Certain acts in our sex life had become absent, and I wondered if that had anything to do with what she meant, if so, there was a problem.

Here i was eight months later, home fresh from a one month military deployment, we had just moved house, and I had begun putting together my plan to leave her. 

Turn back the clock one year, it all started in December the previous year when my wife, who had been getting friendly with the local pastors wife, said we'd been invited around for dinner. I did so, and we had a great night. A dvd series was pulled out, and it was a hit with the two ladies, in fact, the next night they watched it again at there house, and the next night, and the next night. Before long, I realized she hadn't spent a night with me all week, along with others who had been trying to get hold of her on our landline, instead getting me after having put the kids to bed. Later that month and into the new year we as a family, or my wife on her own, were around at there house everyday. 
My wife had started talking about becoming a pastor, to become a pastor she need me to be one also. Being brought up in the church, and feeling upbeat I thought it was an exciting idea, but a bold one. I said yes, and the process began, I have never seen my wife so motivated and crazed at achieving something before, in this case the end point of being pastors. The wife of the pastor was the main person who put us through the process, after a while it felt like this was something that was in the hands of the two wives, it was their plan I was just a pawn to get us in the same fold as these Pastors. 
We ended up selling our home due to the fact that housing would be provided if we got in to training. We needed somewhere to live, I started looking, but my wife had found somewhere. It was 20 meters from the pastors house. I mentioned my concern as they had been together too much, this would compound the problem. Thing is, to her there was no problem, just some itch that was getting scratched. 
Now I refer to them as neighbors. There was no stopping the contact available between the two wives, it. was relentless, just a 10 second walk away, what hope did I have now. It was time to man up and get over it. I knew I had to get used to this, for my wifes' sake, I mean I was away a lot, and these people help her during this, right? After a two week way trip I returned to a house of chaos, people, little people, kids, not mine and mine. "we" were looking after their kids while they went on a date. 8months later and I had not had a happy date with my wife, I knew my wife would flip if I said anything, so I used socials media, you can say anything on there. 
A few days later the husband neighbor came into my house and launched in to a tirade at me. This was not ok in my book, the book of common courtesy and respect, so I grabbed him a threw him out of my house. Later on, heated, I yelled at my wife of all the pent up frustration and anger of these people who just wouldn't back off, of all the warnings that had gone unheeded, and her unwillingness to listen and just spend a bit more time with me.
Suddenly this pastor thing was choking me, it was swarming into my life with these pastors, whispering into my wifes' ear, and taking everything from me. They tricked me into coming to a cafe one evening with my wife, they sat down a proceeded to attack with the moral high ground, talking of self control and anger management, when the pastor had displayed these poorly to start with. My wife did not come to my aid at this time, and just like the previous 12 years, sat there silently and let me fight the battle. Mine or hers, I fought both, this time I needed help, to my horror I discovered she wasn't going to jump in, because she was siding with them. 

This deep friendship had blinded her from her own priorities, including her husband. Each month she grew more distant, and I became a unpleasant reminder to her of her failed attempt at being a pastor. She despised me for that, but I couldn't live a lie. 

The year went on, like being dragged through glass, meaningless marriage counseling that fell on her deaf ears. Late nights, hours at he neighbors, all wore thin, there were points my patients wore thin, and my frustration burst forth in anger. I never hit my wife, i did raise my voice to her however, and earned the label black singlet wearer. The part that hurt the worst of all, is she ran to the lions, the neighbors when I acted up.

8 months later, the cold welcome home was the signal to leave. She was miserable, and I was miserable, female workmates said I didn't deserve this, and I could do better. People always talk about a leap of faith, here I was pushed to the edge of a cliff by a pack of dogs, time to jump .It was my duty to make sure she got moved a settled into the new house, so I did.

So it was on that January morning in 2014 whilst the family was away at a music festival, that I packed my belongings into my parents spare car, and drove to a new life, a room at the barracks at the unit I worked for in the army. The neighbors had been sent away to a new location, and it was just me and my wife again. In body anyway, she was pining for her emotional lover. The sar major had given me a room on the second floor, this was going to provide me accommodation while I finished my three month 717 before leaving the job, and moving to a rural farming community to look for work. The proceeds from the house had come to 30,000 dollars. I took 10,000 and put it in a secret bond. I let her have the rest, she did have the kids after all, her 20,000 had been dwindled away by giving it away to the church, and having her teeth fixed. When I left her she had roughly 9000 left.
I believe in a God, I don't believe God was in this. People misinterpret God, try to box him up for the masses, put their own agendas in place, and this is what happened here.



Thats it, thanks for reading.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

It does not sound like you were really married? Sounds like you had a roommate you were never really close to. 

I am surprised you waited this long to leave. I would leave right away. Do the right thing like you have planned with the money but move on. You should never live your life for someone else and it really sounds like that is all you have been doing. 

Clay


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