# In-Laws are Rude to Me



## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

My in-laws hate me. My husband and I have only been together for 2 and 1/2 years and we live far away so they've never gotten to know me. I assume it's many reasons, ie religion, money, etc. When he Skype's with them, they say hi to everyone in the room but me. LIke, they personally address everyone ( "hi John, hi Jamie", etc.) but will completely ignore me even though I'm sitting right next to the people they say hi to. They do the same with their good-byes. We have babies and I'm always the one to go home because my husband works a lot. So I'm expected to take the kids to see them and I dread it. They hurt my feelings and I can't stand them. My husband doesn't care. I'm pretty much last on his list too. Does anyone else have this problem? How do you deal with it?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think your problem starts with your husband, and works it's way out from there. Why are you last on his list? What makes you say that?

C


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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

He's just never home and I feel pushed aside. He would never, ever stick up for me to his family. He knows they treat me like that but he denies it or minimizes it. I'm just easy to push aside. I don't even want him to stick up for me because he will just make it worse. Like I told his sister via email that we would Skype with them this yesterday or today and I told him too. Well, since he never listens to me, he forgot and when they called he acted like he had never heard of the idea before. So of course, they will blame me and hate me because apparently I didn't tell him and don't think his family is important.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

People treat you the way you allow them to treat you.

If they dont acknowledge you on skpe, do not involve yourself in the call.

If your in laws are rude to you when you visit with the kids, stop taking the kids to them. If its so important your H can go until they can behave properly.

Stand up for yourself, not with words (as they seem to be ignored), but with actions. 

When they are no longer seeing the grandkids im sure they will start rethinking their actions.


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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

Thanks for the advice. I've been telling myself that as soon as they have a chance to get to know me they will like me but I just don't know if I should keep involving myself with them and wait/hope that they come around. It's hard to know what to do because unfortunately they will always be around since we have kids. If it weren't for the kids, I'd just flat out refuse to have anything to do with them.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

PBear said:


> I think your problem starts with your husband, and works it's way out from there. Why are you last on his list? What makes you say that?
> 
> C


I think her problem starts with her for allowing him to put her last on his list.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

YES! Your number one problem is not your in laws- its how your H allows HIS parents to treat HIS wife. I speak to this from experience. Until your H mans up, you dont have a prayer sweetie.


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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

It's easy to say but what do you suggest I do? I've voiced how I feel about it and it doesn't change. I've been involved in fight after fight with him, dragged him to marriage counseling (that he rarely shows up for), etc. It doesn't change. Other than divorcing him (which I won't do because of our babies) there's nothing else I can do. It's really easy to stand there and say you wouldn't tolerate it but not so easy to do anything about it.


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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

canttrustu said:


> YES! Your number one problem is not your in laws- its how your H allows HIS parents to treat HIS wife. I speak to this from experience. Until your H mans up, you dont have a prayer sweetie.


And he won't so in that case, what's my plan for dealing with his family?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

NewM said:


> I think her problem starts with her for allowing him to put her last on his list.


That's a good point. People will treat you as you let them treat you. Some people will take advantage of that and walk all over you. Until you demand and earn respect, you'll be the low person on everyone's list. And that change starts with you. None of them are going to start to change until you change first.

C


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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

PBear said:


> That's a good point. People will treat you as you let them treat you. Some people will take advantage of that and walk all over you. Until you demand and earn respect, you'll be the low person on everyone's list. And that change starts with you. None of them are going to start to change until you change first.
> 
> C


That all sounds really good but in real life, it doesn't work that way.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

center1 said:


> It's easy to say but what do you suggest I do? I've voiced how I feel about it and it doesn't change. I've been involved in fight after fight with him, dragged him to marriage counseling (that he rarely shows up for), etc. It doesn't change. Other than divorcing him (which I won't do because of our babies) there's nothing else I can do. It's really easy to stand there and say you wouldn't tolerate it but not so easy to do anything about it.


You can start by refusing to play their game, as someone else posted. Why would you take the kids to see them if they make no effort to make you welcome? Why would you partake in Skype calls where you'll just be ignored anyway? Start standing up for yourself.

Have you looked into individual counseling to figure out why you put up with this, and maybe get some tools you can use to start change?

C


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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

PBear said:


> You can start by refusing to play their game, as someone else posted. Why would you take the kids to see them if they make no effort to make you welcome? Why would you partake in Skype calls where you'll just be ignored anyway? Start standing up for yourself.
> 
> Have you looked into individual counseling to figure out why you put up with this, and maybe get some tools you can use to start change?
> 
> C


Yeah, I have the therapy and it's all the same: "You can't control someone else's behavior. You can only control yours." So in other words, smile and say "hi" and ignore them treating me like ****.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Why do you sit there for the Skype talks, is H tying you to the chair?


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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> Why do you sit there for the Skype talks, is H tying you to the chair?


Like I said above, I was hoping that in time they would get to know me and come around.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

center1 said:


> And he won't so in that case, what's my plan for dealing with his family?


plain and simple: YOU DONT.

I went thru this same sh*t. Its not easy to say or do but at some point you gotta teach people how to treat you and youre doing just that.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You're right. You can't change someone else's behaviour. So your choice is either accept the behaviour or don't be in a position to have it inflicted on you. When the relatives phone, be at the mall. Be on the computer Skyping with your parents or friends. Be out walking. Do SOMETHING else other than sit there and nod like a mannequin. 

When you go visit, just don't bother to go over there. If someone asks why you were in town and didn't come visit, say "Sorry, I was visiting other family/friends that made me feel welcome in their home."

Your approach of being nice and hoping they'll like you isn't working. You've taken divorce off the table. You don't appear to have many other ideas. Nobody here has a magic pill for you to give them to make them like you. So what are you going to do?

C


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

What would you have to lose if you addressed this problem with your in-law's directly. Tell your husband that if he refuses to stick up for you then you will stick up for yourself. What's the worst thing that can happen? Either things will improve or they will stay the same. 

Do you ever think about the possible reasons why they shun you? Did anything agregious ever happen while you two were dating or since you have been married that they are aware of? Does he confide too much in one particular family member about issues in the relationship? I just wonder if he told them things that were either true or blown up out of proportion and that is what they are basing their opinion on. 

But anyway, my suggestion is writing them an email. Don't make it accusatory. Come across as concerned. Emails are good because they can be tweaked along the way. 

Good luck.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

center1 said:


> So in other words, smile and say "hi" and ignore them treating me like ****.


No. You have to adjust your actions.

Do not smile. Do not say hi. Do not put yourself in any contact with people who treat you badly. By not putting yourself in situations where people can disrespect you, you are showing respect for yourself and showing your H what you will and will not accept.

Stop arguing with your H, it is getting you nowhere. Let you H know that you will no longer have any contact with his parents until they start treating you with some respect and leave it there. Then follow through, do not cave!

Stop trying to 'make them like you'. Who cares if they like you? They dont have to like you, but they do have to respect you and your relationship.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

JJG said:


> No. You have to adjust your actions.
> 
> Do not smile. Do not say hi. Do not put yourself in any contact with people who treat you badly. By not putting yourself in situations where people can disrespect you, you are showing respect for yourself and showing your H what you will and will not accept.
> 
> ...


THIS is exactly what I did. I stopped interacting at all with them. Guess what HE then stood up for himself and our marriage......took a while and some other things happened too but I stopped dealing with the blatant disrespect. Completely stopped. 

And make no mistake this is a HUSBAND problem more than an inlaw problem.


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## missmim (Dec 29, 2012)

I'm sorry your going through this. It doesn't seem fair or right, and nobody in your suituation deserves to be treated like that. It seems so childish to me.

Your councilor is right, you can only control your actions. That doesn't mean sitting there durring a call and letting them ignore you. It means changing the way you interact with them (if at all) and for the same matter, your husband.

I would not join in on the Skype call, nor would I take the kids to visit if they couldn't be respectful. YOU are the mother of their grand kids.

Maybe it would be easier to think about it in terms of teaching your kids boundaries and behaviors.

I understand the importance extended family can have in your children's lives, but right now they are teaching your kids to treat you like you don't exist, and you are teaching your kids to allow others to treat you like cr*p. Same goes for your husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

This is the reason that I stopped having contact with my in-laws. My MIL found small ways to "bite" at me or ignore me whenever I was around her. In short, she continually made the fact known that she didn't approve of me, didn't really see me as part of the family, and that she thought I was an inferior choice compared to my sisters in law. 

My crime? Being born an Irish Catholic rather than a German Lutheran. 

She made sure to comment that my due date for my son was really inconvenient, as they were going on a trip to fly across the country to see my BIL and SIL at that time, so hopefully "things would work out alright." When my son was born, she arrived at the hospital (so yes, things worked out alright with her trip) she said she came to see "if he looked like a [my husband's family name.]" Which I interpreted as a subtle dig that he might not be my husbands or that my inferior Irish genes might somehow taint their German goodness. 

Any time I mentioned it to my husband, he would tell me, "She can't help it, it's just who she is." In the end, I decided that the harm to my marriage (major resentment over H's dismissive attitude about the whole thing) and the potential negative influence on my son (people who are different should be ridiculed) was just too much. 

I told H he was free to see them as he pleased, but that I just couldn't be constantly treated like that. He made it clear he wasn't really going to do anything about it, nor that he expected them to change. 

So it's been two years now. His father calls him and emails and they communicate that way. The only contact I have is a SIL cropping up on FB from time to time to ask me if I'm going to have another baby yet (yes, seriously), and well, that it is what it is. 

In the end, this will eat at you and your marriage. If your H can honestly not see the behavior and won't become involved, your best bet might be to remove yourself. And when he asks you why - lay it out, that they make it plain that you are different, they treat you poorly, he does nothing about it, and its a situation you abhor and will no longer tolerate.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> My crime? Being born an Irish Catholic....


Oh the horror!!! 

Amen.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

Think about what will this show to your kids.Either they are going to start disrespecting you themselves or they are going to allow others to disrespect them.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

If your husband won't stand up for you, you have to do it yourself. I wouldn't continue to put myself in situations where I would have to speak to them. 

Even with kids, you don't have to subject yourself to this kind of treatment. Rude comments directed at you in front of them would be met with a cold stare. If it got too bad, you could walk out of the room or whatever. And forget chatting on the phone and skype. Don't bother. If your husband says something to you about your sudden indifference, tell him to stuff it. He had many opportunities to get his folks straight and since he's too weak to bother, you're doing it yourself.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

center1 said:


> Yeah, I have the therapy and it's all the same: "You can't control someone else's behavior. You can only control yours." So in other words, smile and say "hi" and ignore them treating me like ****.


This sounds like something my wife would say. She hates confrontation so she'll avoid it instead of dealing with it. That just leads to her feeling trapped and victimized all of the time: at work, at church, wherever... She runs at the first sign of conflict and then holds a grudge about it for the rest if her life. My attitude is that you'll always run into thoughtless people so you better learn how to cope.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

Your husband MUST put you first. I also have had problems with my MIL for 23 years. My H has always supported me whether I was right or wrong no matter what. I am first. 

I dont know how you put up with it, I know I couldnt. Good Luck.


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## Joey Joe Joe Jr. Shabadoo (Mar 22, 2013)

center1 said:


> My in-laws hate me. My husband and I have only been together for 2 and 1/2 years and we live far away so they've never gotten to know me. I assume it's many reasons, ie religion, money, etc. When he Skype's with them, they say hi to everyone in the room but me. LIke, they personally address everyone ( "hi John, hi Jamie", etc.) but will completely ignore me even though I'm sitting right next to the people they say hi to. They do the same with their good-byes. We have babies and I'm always the one to go home because my husband works a lot. So I'm expected to take the kids to see them and I dread it. They hurt my feelings and I can't stand them. My husband doesn't care. I'm pretty much last on his list too. Does anyone else have this problem? How do you deal with it?


I dealt with this problem with my inlaws for a lot of years and my wife was similarly unconcerned. It wasn't that she hated me, it was that to her in laws are supposed to hate their son in law, especially her dad. She also had a view of her parents as perfect people with a perfect marriage. I did a lot for them over the years but I was always garbage to them. Things only changed for my wife when her family had some problems of their own creation and she saw they weren't the perfect family she thought, but instead were as dysfunctional as every other family on the planet. Now when they give me trouble she helps out, but that took years.


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## daMan (Dec 18, 2012)

Dear Center1,

I'm not sure if you provided the whole story here. You started with "My in-laws hate me" but didn't go into details of what is the cause of this hatred. 
So people are giving you advices with the assumption that your in-laws hate you for no reason, which may or may not be fair if you don't provide both sides of the story.



center1 said:


> When he Skype's with them... completely ignore me even though I'm sitting right next to the people they say hi to. They do the same with their good-byes.


Just don't participate in these skype calls any more. If they don't want to talk to you, why should you put yourself in this frustrating situation? You are in control of this situation, not them.



center1 said:


> So I'm expected to take the kids to see them and I dread it.


Why are you expected to take the kids to them? Who expect that and why? Sounds like they don't welcome you so why should you do that? 
Again, sounds like we don't have the full story to provide a fair recommendations to the situation.



center1 said:


> They hurt my feelings and I can't stand them. My husband doesn't care. I'm pretty much last on his list too.


Sounds like the real issue is right here! You need to elaborate more of why you think this is the case.



center1 said:


> He's just never home and I feel pushed aside.


???



center1 said:


> He would never, ever stick up for me to his family. He knows they treat me like that but he denies it or minimizes it.


Again, your husband seems to be the problem according to your story. Any man who loves his wife would not let anyone show disrespect to his wife.



center1 said:


> Well, since he never listens to me, he forgot and when they called he acted like he had never heard of the idea before. So of course, they will blame me and hate me because apparently I didn't tell him and don't think his family is important.


The more issues you present, the more you show that your husband is the problem. 
From what you described, you need to clear up these issues with your husband. In the mean time, my advice is: those who don't acknowledge you, you don't acknowledge them, only communicate with those who acknowledge you (his sister?).

I think that there are certain underlining issues that you're not providing, because it's hard for me to believe that your husbands sees all of this happening but he still doesn't see it as a problem. So either he's a big problem or your not telling us what else is happening.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I just read your first post sorry.(Im lazy today) when on skype and they say "Hi John Hi Jamie" and ignore you ...Say HI MOM AND DAD all excited like a cheerleader!What are they gonna do ?Not say hi back?? Then say WE MISS YOU!!!!!So glad to see you !!!..."this is a case of kill um with kindness"..they woudl have to look like the obvious asses to ingore you then..NOT to get on their "good side" but to annoy them as much as they annoy you..Maybe they will change maybe they wont..


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

BTW, you say that you've only been together for 2.5 years. How long did you date before you got married? Did your husband treat you the same way before you got married? And where does your husband go when he's not at home, since you say a sign of you being low on his list of priorities?

And also BTW... Your husband isn't just refusing to stand up for you to his family. He's actively encouraging their behaviour by blaming you for things like you not passing messages along.

C


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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

IrishGirlVA said:


> What would you have to lose if you addressed this problem with your in-law's directly. Tell your husband that if he refuses to stick up for you then you will stick up for yourself. What's the worst thing that can happen? Either things will improve or they will stay the same.
> 
> Do you ever think about the possible reasons why they shun you? Did anything agregious ever happen while you two were dating or since you have been married that they are aware of? Does he confide too much in one particular family member about issues in the relationship? I just wonder if he told them things that were either true or blown up out of proportion and that is what they are basing their opinion on.
> 
> ...


Yes, I know the possible reasons they don't like me. It has nothing to do with him and I. He doesn't even like his family so no, he doesn't confide in them. He rarely talks to them. He only Skypes so they can see the kids. It boils down to this: 1) money (he used to support them, now he can't), 2) religion (I'm not theirs), 3) I'm kind of shy and quiet and they interpret that as standoffish. However, I always say hi and try to strike up some conversation with them. It doesn't work. Remember, they've had very little time with me at all. We've lived out of state right from the start. I probably haven't spent even 10 hours with them in the 2 and a 1/2 years we've been together.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LOVE it when people are shunned in the name of *religion*....

What ever happened to "do unto others..."

And what do you mean he doesnt like them??? He treats them better than he treats you it sounds like.....


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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> This is the reason that I stopped having contact with my in-laws. My MIL found small ways to "bite" at me or ignore me whenever I was around her. In short, she continually made the fact known that she didn't approve of me, didn't really see me as part of the family, and that she thought I was an inferior choice compared to my sisters in law.
> 
> My crime? Being born an Irish Catholic rather than a German Lutheran.
> 
> ...


That's funny because one of the reasons (or maybe even THE reason) they dont' like me is because they are Irish Catholic and I'm German Protestant.


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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

VermisciousKnid said:


> This sounds like something my wife would say. She hates confrontation so she'll avoid it instead of dealing with it. That just leads to her feeling trapped and victimized all of the time: at work, at church, wherever... She runs at the first sign of conflict and then holds a grudge about it for the rest if her life. My attitude is that you'll always run into thoughtless people so you better learn how to cope.


Thanks, but I'm not your wife. And, I was quoting the counselor.


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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

daMan said:


> Dear Center1,
> 
> I'm not sure if you provided the whole story here. You started with "My in-laws hate me" but didn't go into details of what is the cause of this hatred.
> So people are giving you advices with the assumption that your in-laws hate you for no reason, which may or may not be fair if you don't provide both sides of the story.
> ...



Nope, you got the whole story right there. See my previous reply to a post where I list the only 3 possible reasons for them not liking me. Seriously, I'm not kidding when I say that I've had less than 10 hours total with these people. And yes, my husband sees that they ignore me but he minimizes it and would never, ever do anything about it. In his opinion, treating me like I don't exist isn't that big of a deal. After all, he does it all the time.


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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

dallasapple said:


> I just read your first post sorry.(Im lazy today) when on skype and they say "Hi John Hi Jamie" and ignore you ...Say HI MOM AND DAD all excited like a cheerleader!What are they gonna do ?Not say hi back?? Then say WE MISS YOU!!!!!So glad to see you !!!..."this is a case of kill um with kindness"..they woudl have to look like the obvious asses to ingore you then..NOT to get on their "good side" but to annoy them as much as they annoy you..Maybe they will change maybe they wont..


That's what I've done so far. And then they'll give a reluctant "hi". I try to ask about something going on in their life and I get short answers. But that's the problem now. I'm sick of trying and so I wanted opinions on what others would do. Last night was really the last straw when they personally addressed two other people in the room and then totally ignored me when I was sitting right next to them.


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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

PBear said:


> BTW, you say that you've only been together for 2.5 years. How long did you date before you got married? Did your husband treat you the same way before you got married? And where does your husband go when he's not at home, since you say a sign of you being low on his list of priorities?
> 
> And also BTW... Your husband isn't just refusing to stand up for you to his family. He's actively encouraging their behaviour by blaming you for things like you not passing messages along.
> 
> C


We got married after dating for 6 months. We knew each other years prior and reconnected. He was a workaholic before but swore up and down that it would change as his previous divorce was a result of him never being home. I believed him and things looked at first like they would be different but he went right back to working his life away while I sit here for days/weeks at a time.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Well, Ive said all I can say. Youve blown me off so- good luck.


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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

canttrustu said:


> LOVE it when people are shunned in the name of *religion*....
> 
> What ever happened to "do unto others..."
> 
> And what do you mean he doesnt like them??? He treats them better than he treats you it sounds like.....


Yep!


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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

canttrustu said:


> Well, Ive said all I can say. Youve blown me off so- good luck.


What do you mean I've blown you off? I don't understand.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

center1 said:


> Last night was really the last straw when they personally addressed two other people in the room and then totally ignored me when I was sitting right next to them.


I'm not sure what the best course of action is for you, but keep in mind that when they ignore you like this, they are not doing it because they failed to notice you. They are deliberately doing it to send you a message that you don't matter to them. It sucks, but the truth often sucks.


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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

Theseus said:


> I'm not sure what the best course of action is for you, but keep in mind that when they ignore you like this, they are not doing it because they failed to notice you. They are deliberately doing it to send you a message that you don't matter to them. It sucks, but the truth often sucks.


Yes, it is deliberate. What's worse is that I saw in my husband's face that he picked up on it loud and clear. So I brought up their rudeness to him today and I got the "whatever do you mean?" line. There's NO WAY he doesn't know what I'm talking about. It was obvious, loud and clear and I saw it in his face. But he's going to choose to deny it like always.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

center1 said:


> Yes, it is deliberate. What's worse is that I saw in my husband's face that he picked up on it loud and clear. So I brought up their rudeness to him today and I got the "whatever do you mean?" line. There's NO WAY he doesn't know what I'm talking about. It was obvious, loud and clear and I saw it in his face. But he's going to choose to deny it like always.


Shun him back ''half acknowledge" him..when he ask whats up? say "whatever do you mean"?


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## daMan (Dec 18, 2012)

Dear Center1,

If the whole story is what you say here is true then I don't think it's difficult to deal with.



center1 said:


> In his opinion, treating me like I don't exist isn't that big of a deal. After all, he does it all the time.


I suggest you first approach him and tell him that you 2 need to sit down and discuss this "serious" issue with your marriage. And if he doesn't want to or doesn't see it as a problem, then you just give him exactly the same treatment you get, marriage is a 2-way street in many aspects.

1) If your husband thinks that it's no big deal for his family treats you like you don't exist, then you should treat them like they don't exist. Don't talk to them, don't talk about them, don't see them, give them exactly what they give you. Don't take your kids to see them until they call you and ask YOU DIRECTLY to do so, not through your husband.
You will acknowledge their existence when they acknowledge yours.

2) If your husband treat you like you don't exist then you treat him exactly the same. For example, if your husband ignores you when you call him, then you let it go and the next time he calls you, you just ignore. If he asks why? you can ask him how does it feel being ignored? then say "should we start talking about how to resolve OUR issues", it's not your issue, it's an issue for both of you and your marriage.

I still think something is missing in this story because it sounds to me like your husband has no love and respect for you at all, how you describe your husband sounds too much like an idiot (sorry to be rude), I would not let anyone treat my wife that way.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> I'm sick of trying and so I wanted opinions on what others would do. Last night was really the last straw when they personally addressed two other people in the room and then totally ignored me when I was sitting right next to them.


That's what I'm saying..I would do ..but overly obnoxiously sweet..don't slinker away and crawl under a rug..be in their face but obnoxiously friendly.Like they are your best friends!MAKE them uncomfortable..What are they going to say "stop being so nice"?


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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

daMan said:


> Dear Center1,
> 
> If the whole story is what you say here is true then I don't think it's difficult to deal with.
> 
> ...


I agree a whole lot with your post and I will no longer acknowledge them or take the kids to see them. I don't know how else to tell you that you're getting the story. I guess you just have to decide whether to believe me or not. What could I be hiding and why?

I don't think my husband doesn't stick up for me because he doesn't love me but rather he has no balls. Denial makes his life much, much easier and that's how he lives. The problem is that I've treated him like he treats me and he has a FIT! Blows up into a big fight. And when I say something like, "how do you like it", I get the denial all over again. It's not worth arguing with him because it just goes in a circle. It couldn't have been more clear in his face last night that he noticed their rudeness yet he's denying knowing what I'm talking about. Seriously, imagine you are sitting right next to "John" and "Kim" and someone walks in the room and says, "Hi John, hi Kim" (and they barely even know Kim) and says nothing to you. It was that obvious. My husband immediately looked at me with an uncomfortable look on his face. He saw it, I'd put my life on it and now he's denying it. Like talking to a tin can.


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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

_I suggest you first approach him and tell him that you 2 need to sit down and discuss this "serious" issue with your marriage. _

I forgot to mention that we are in marriage counseling. He rarely shows up because he's too busy working. I've accepted that I'm just staying married for the kids so that's not my issue. Sad but this is what he's chosen by working 24 hours a day and always putting me last. My issue is mostly just how to deal with the in-laws. I really wanted to make them like me but their actions are so blatantly rude that I don't think that will ever happen. I guess it's time to face that.


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## daMan (Dec 18, 2012)

center1 said:


> My issue is mostly just how to deal with the in-laws. I really wanted to make them like me but their actions are so blatantly rude that I don't think that will ever happen.


I don't like to suggest people to be rude, but if they are being rude to you despite your peace effort then you need to give them exactly what they're giving you, no more no less. See how they react to that, just pretend they don't exist. I've seen it done and it works wonder.


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## LifeIsAJourney (Jan 24, 2013)

My in-laws don't like me much either. Why? Well, I'm the one who married their black sheep son so I suppose that makes me suspect. It's their loss. 

My suggestions?

First, read Harriet Lerner's _*Dance of Anger*_. It literally changed my life.

Second, give some thought to my favorite saying du jour: If you're eating a sh*t sandwich, chances are you made it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You already know you can't change them. And you can't make them like you either.

There are, unfortunately, many marriages where the in-laws don't like the spouse's choice and won't pretend they do.

So all you can do is ignore them.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

center1 said:


> I've accepted that I'm just staying married for the kids so that's not my issue. Sad but this is what he's chosen by working 24 hours a day and always putting me last. My issue is mostly just how to deal with the in-laws.


Are you willing to stay for the kids until they grow up and leave home? It sucks big-time that your husband puts you last. Doesn't sound like a loving spouse at all. But then, I am guessing that he feels his working all the time and providing for his family is good enough. So sad.

The in-laws? Meh. I am fine now that I ignore mine. I received similar treatment. They either ignored me or were outright rude. Life is too short. I just cut all ties with them. I don't need the aggravation. Just steer clear of them as much as possible.


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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

Thanks everyone for your advice. I tend to agree that at this point I should cut all communication with them and treat them how they treat me. My husband can then continue living in denial and I won't have to deal with their rudeness anymore.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

center1 said:


> Thanks everyone for your advice. I tend to agree that at this point I should cut all communication with them and treat them how they treat me. My husband can then continue living in denial and I won't have to deal with their rudeness anymore.


You should also think about what to do about your marriage. The thought of staying with someone who has you as their lowest priority makes me sad. Do you really think you can take that for 18 years? And your husband's treatment of you was a big part of your issues with your in-laws.

I really do wish you well!

C


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I agree with the other posters - the fact that your husband isn't standing up for you is a big issue. You should come before his family in the priority list.

If his family is being disrespectful, it's his job to correct that.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> That's funny because one of the reasons (or maybe even THE reason) they dont' like me is because they are Irish Catholic and I'm German Protestant.


Well, for what it counts for, I totally sympathize. 

Could we perhaps switch in-laws but keep our husbands?


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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> Well, for what it counts for, I totally sympathize.
> 
> Could we perhaps switch in-laws but keep our husbands?


Good idea!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

One more question for everyone. How would a husband go about handling this situation? What would you men do or women, what would you expect your husband to do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

TCSRedhead said:


> I agree with the other posters - the fact that your husband isn't standing up for you is a big issue. You should come before his family in the priority list.
> 
> If his family is being disrespectful, it's his job to correct that.



How specifically would he do that? What should I expect?


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

center1 said:


> How specifically would he do that? What should I expect?


He should talk to them, using specific examples, and tell them that he expects them to treat you with courtesy and respect.

Have you talked to him about this? What does he say?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stellafeller (Mar 16, 2013)

Pathetic, stand up for yourself. My exes family treated me like CRAP. and u know why? Bc she allowed them to treat me that way. And u know why she allowed them? Because I allowed Her to treat me like crap. Starts with you. Its exactly that people treat you how you let them. They don't have to like you but they DO have to respect you and right now they do not. 

I told my ex, would I ever allow anyone in my family to treat her like crap for a SECOND? No, I wouldn't and my entire family knew that and bc of that they were always warm welcoming people.

don't be surprised if he is bad mouthing u to them, if they never see u and yet they still dislike u so badly that could be the cause. My ex talked about me like a dog to them. No wonder they treated me like crap.


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## walkout wife (Mar 1, 2013)

my inlaws ruined so many important occassions i ended up showing hubby the door. 

It the end of the day you have don't have much choice. if your having ongoing in-law problems you will need to determine the amount of "we-ness" you have in your marriage. 

the only way out of this dilemma is for your husband to side with you. although this sound harsh the basic task of a marriage is to establish a sense of 'we-ness" 

he is husband first then a son. if hes not going to man up kick his arse to the curb. 
I had none "we ness" so hubby got dumped. 

your in marriage guidance which he doesn't attend. doesn't sound like much of a man......


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## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

Join the club. My in-law are absolutely the most miserable, hateful, boring and nitpicking people on the face of the earth.

I would rather be stuck in a jail cell with carrot top than have a conversation with them.


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