# My wife is obsessed with another man



## RJB (Sep 16, 2012)

My wife and I have been married five years and a few months. We have two children ages 4 and 2. I work in the evening. My wife recently started working again, but she wasn't working from the end of 2009 until July 2012. 

A neighbor friend had been coming over in the evening and then one night her male cousin came over with her. I had met him once before, but he didn't come around often. Then he started coming over with her every evening. My wife became very guarded about her phone and I began to get suspicious. I found flirtatious text messages and many calls to him on her phone. When I confronted her I got lies. When she finally confessed to anything she said they had made out but it hadn't gone any further. The real problem was that she said before-hand they had a discussion about having an extra-marital affair and the damage it could do to her marriage and she decided to proceed with it.

We went to counseling, but after a few sessions she decided she didn't care for that counselor and she would find another for us to see. She made no effort to find another counselor, but she had ceased communication with the OM so I let it go. Within less than a month I found out she was talking to him again. Since the end of July she has called him almost every single day, multiple times a day, and in cumulative time is on the phone with him for over an hour almost every day. When I confronted her about it starting again she lied and said she wasn't talking to him. She even drove the 50 miles from where we live to where I work, with the kids in the car, to argue about it with me in the parking lot. Next day I started calling different counselors. She continued to lie to me about calling him until I presented her with the phone bill, at which point she said that hes her friend and she can call him if she wants.

We started seeing a counselor Aug. 10th. The first meeting he told her that what she was doing was an affair and if she didn't stop that counseling would be ineffective. Afterward I asked if she was going to stop and she said no, the counselor didn't tell me I cant call him. So second meeting I bring it up again and he tells her its an affair, its a distraction and every time she calls him its like throwing a log on a fire that's burning out our marriage. Again afterward she tells me the therapist didn't tell her to stop calling the OM. We had a big fight and I told her that if she didn't stop calling him I was going to end our marriage. She stopped calling him for a few days, but then she went out and bought a prepaid phone. She tried to hide it from me, but I found it, so then she went out and bought another prepaid phone. Again she tried to hide it. 

The 3rd therapy session the counselor told me that I need to stop being controlling and checking up on her. So I told her I was going to let it go, but that she needs to stop spending our money on prepaid phones. So she immediately starts calling him on her phone again, and this past week it was over three hours a night she was on the phone with him. I hadnt said anything until today, when she was supposedly shopping, but I found out she got a text message from her friend that mentioned time that she was spending with the OM and I confronted her. She says her friend was joking, but I don't believe it. Ive been told too many lies, and she hasn't been honest about anything I didn't have hard evidence on.

We are supposed to go see the counselor again next Saturday, but I don't see the point anymore. I want to fix the marriage, but everyone she has talked to has told her in no uncertain terms that she needs to cease all contact with him, and she refuses. At this point I don't know if I can ever believe that she will actually stop. Is it worth continuing things with this counselor?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Sorry, she is not able to stop communicating with her OM.

It is time for you to be serious with her and do what you say. The issue you have is the kids. Take time, think.

She must behave. And if she doesnt, she has to face consequences.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Time for consequences. 

She has willfully shirked your laws you laid down. Shes testing the edges of your boundaries, seeing what she can get away. 

You gotta show her that you're not bullsh!tting, that when you say something, you mean it. 

Kick her out, tell her to come back when she wants to be true to her vows and stop betraying her family 

If you keep doing nothing while she breaks her numerous promises to you and your boundaries. 

She will *NOT* respect you

Your words will mean *NOTHING*

She will go *DEEPER* into her affair and into the affair fog

She will *NOT* stop the affair. 


You don't really have a choice at this point. 

These words are your gospel as a betrayed spouse:

*YOU CANNOT NICE HER OUT OF AN AFFAIR*

Begging, scraping, and pleading for her to stay true to her vows will only diminish you and if you're begging her when shes the one who fked up, it'll give her huge entitlement issues. 

I warn you now, you may think your situation is unique, *IT IS NOT*. 

Theres a certain base script to infidelity and one of the most common scripts is the betrayed spouse tries to nice his partner out of the affair/back into the marriage and it never works

I repeat again

*IT DOES NOT WORK*

If you want to see Exhibit A, go to the members section and find stuck mick.

Vets were telling him left and right not to do what he was saying. Thought he knew better and ignored them.

9 months later hes right back here. He did more than 9 months of pleading and not manning up. Tried to nice his wife back into the marriage.

What did it get him?

Separated and eventhough his wife is the one with the issues, HE MOVED OUT. 

Don't let that be you.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

If it were me I would be DONE....However that being said, individuals and circumstances are different and that may not be the best decision for you.

Whatever you do you need to move quickly and be firm in your decision.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Dude! read old mittens thread, and also Lascarx thread absolute classics of how to do it. Both more or less went scorched earth on their wives and they came back crawling on their hands and knees.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Dude they have been bonking like rabbits! Guaranteed!

It can't get any worse at the moment obviously so you might be best to go into detective mode and gather more evidence. There are some experienced posters on this site who will be able to advise on proceedings.


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## RJB (Sep 16, 2012)

Yeah, that's pretty much where I'm at right now. I just don't know if I can give her the boot yet because of the divorce law in my state. I will be talking to the lawyer, but it looks like Ive really gotta hire a private investigator to get an adultery divorce, or go through a separation which could be one year or two depending on whether or not she will agree to the divorce.

I'm also somewhat worried about what happens with the kids. I suspect that if we are divorced she will be moving across the country, which either leaves me as a single dad, or a dad that lives 3500 miles away from his kids.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Don't waste your money on a private investigator. You know what's she is doing. Dads have rights, document all she is doing to you. No way they will allow her to go 3500 miles with your kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Would she be allowed to take them out of state?

I'm a Brit so obviously laws different here.

In fact when my wife and I seperated for a while when younger she wasn't even allowed to take the children away on holiday without my permission.

You mention it is a cousin! Thats nasty of him.

Once you have your evidence, and people here will give you info on keyloggers and voice activated recorders. Then you expose to everyone and bearing in mind that he is family that should bring extra pressure to bear. BTW exposing the affair is not to exact revenge (although it is a nice side affect) it is to kill the affair dead.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Where are your from ?(country) She cannot just take the kids from you to a different state. Dad's have rights.


Have you exposed her affair to friends and family. Honestly, your wife looks like a lost case. You cannot make her come back to the marriage through rational arguments. It is time to let her go. You cannot be a warden for the rest of your life to a woman hell bent on cheating on you.

And don't have sex with her. Their affair is surely physical and you don't want to catch any STDs the OM might have passed her.

Is the OM in a relationship ?


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## RJB (Sep 16, 2012)

I'm in Maryland, U.S. I will be talking about all this with a lawyer tomorrow or Monday. From what Ive read about Maryland divorce law, its rather difficult to get an adultery divorce. I have to prove via evidence or a third party witness that she was motivated to have sex with him and with him at a location where they could have sex, and that they were there together for an amount of time that would allow for them to have sex. 

Ive got plenty of evidence to say that she was inclined to have sex with him, but I don't have hard evidence that pegs them together at a location where they could have sex. I might be able to use the initial times where he was at our house, but I might have to get a witness to testify to that too. There might also be an issue of condonation with that. The MD website says that since we had sex after she supposedly ended the affair that whatever she did before was considered forgiven. 

My concern about the kids stems from the fact that I have been financially supporting the family. She is working now, but she doesn't make enough to support herself on her own. Since her mother and sisters live on the west coast I suspect that she will want to move there because she will at least have a place to stay for free.

My friends all know about this, and her mother and sisters know. I'm an only child and my parents are only children, so I don't have a big family. I haven't told my parents yet because I was trying to fix the marriage, and the relationship between my wife and my mother is already a fragile one, but I will be telling my parents after I talk to the lawyer.

btw its not her cousin, its her friends cousin, I don't know if he is in a relation ship or not. She says he is, but since I don't trust her anymore that doesn't mean much to me.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Expose it further, and expose it on the OM's side as well - does he have a wife/gf? Don't trust what your wife tells you about him. Find out yourself. Expose him to them. That often helps by getting him to throw your wife under the bus to save himself.

Post him on cheaterville.com as well!

You can't nice her out of an affair - you need expose him and her and make the affair costly to continue.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Sorry you are here, this has to be a difficult situation for you.

Expose your wife to her family and friends, since she is jeopardizing your family unit, as they are family, they should be informed. Maybe, they can talk more sense into her than the MC did/tried. It might not help but they should know.

Have you been firm with you wife regarding her EA? Why does she continue to walk all over you with total disregard? She is blantanly refusing to do as asked and continues to lie about it. I think you might have to seriously put forth some strong consequences, she needs to get a good wake up call.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Ok, even better for you if the guy is in a relationship. Expose the affair to his partner and he will most likely dump your wife. Or he will end the relationship and get with your wife. You will have some kind of closure instead of the hell you are in right now.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> My concern about the kids stems from the fact that I have been financially supporting the family. She is working now, but she doesn't make enough to support herself on her own. Since her mother and sisters live on the west coast I suspect that she will want to move there because she will at least have a place to stay for free.


no, she cannot. Everything will be much clearer once you talk to the lawyer. Talk to your lawyer on how to proceed with getting evidence for adultery.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

You seems to be tooo nice, its time for tough love. Get ready to kick her A44 out of your home. lawyer up find your options seperate finance and get a key logger and a VAR to collect proof. 

Their A is surely physical. She is treating you like a cuckold or doormat. If you don't respect yourself none will respect you.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

stop *****footing around

You are wasting money with counselors---file for D., kick her out of the marital bedroom, take all monies you bring in, and put them in an acct, with your name only on it---tell her she is now responsible for half of all marital debts, including, cars, mtg, insurances, everything, cancel any CC's with her name on them.

Send her lover a registered letter saying the following, if he has one more contact of any sort with your wife, that includes cell, text, IM, anything---you will file 3 seperate suits agst him, for INTENTIONAL INFLICTION OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS---you file one suit in your name, and one suit in the names of each of your children---file each suit for $100,000 each

You do not need an atty to file this type of lawsuit, google the elements of the tort, listed above, get the forms to file the lawsuit, go to a paralegal if you need help, and file the 3 suits----you would only need an atty, if this action needed to be pursued, if you file he is gonna have to answer, which means he will need to pay the fees for 3 answers, and get an atty at probably $400 an hour to write all of these answers, if he does not answer w/in a month he defaults, and if he has any kind of brains, he will realize this---you do not have to push the lawsuits, all you need to do is file

Of course, you may not wish to go on with your mge, and your beef IS with your wife----but its about time some of these lover's also get nailed---send him the letter threatening the lawsuits, if he has any brains, he will wanna protect his wallet, more than he will wanna stay with your wife


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> Expose it further, and expose it on the OM's side as well - does he have a wife/gf? Don't trust what your wife tells you about him. Find out yourself. Expose him to them. That often helps by getting him to throw your wife under the bus to save himself.
> 
> Post him on cheaterville.com as well!
> 
> You can't nice her out of an affair - you need expose him and her and make the affair costly to continue.


Agree , they wont stop the affair unless you make it extremly uncomfortable for them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

Read the above link it was compiled for newcomers to TAM to give advice and guidance
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Expose it further, and expose it on the OM's side as well - does he have a wife/gf? Don't trust what your wife tells you about him. Find out yourself. Expose him to them. That often helps by getting him to throw your wife under the bus to save himself.
> 
> *Post him on cheaterville.com as well!*
> 
> You can't nice her out of an affair - you need expose him and her and make the affair costly to continue.


:lol:

This one is a classic!


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I allowed my wife to become and remain obsessed with another man. I didn't realise how intense their contact had become, but I could have guessed it.

She ended up in a 2 1/12 year passionate and intense physical affair with him and this has destroyed my life, my wife's life and our children's lives.

Had I know back in 2006 what I know now about how affairs start and how extreme you have to be to save your marriage, I would not be posting here now.

Read my story for how this will pan out if you don't get seriously tough with her NOW.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Stop all counseling. Marriage counseling does no good at all while she is still in an active affair. 

The affair has probably gone physical by now since she is going to extraordinary measures by buying pre-paid phones and lying about contact with him. Does she really think that her being "friends" with a guy she has admitted to having discussions about sex with is OK?

As others have said, IF you want to save your marriage, the best course is to have her served with divorce papers. It takes a while for divorce to work it's way through the system and it can be stopped at anytime before the final decree is issued by a judge.

Do not worry about her taking the children away. If you get 50/50 custody (which is standard) she cannot legally move the children away. She can go but cannot take the children (even for a visit) with out your consent.

Time for hardball. Do not fear her reaction. Do not back down. Do not negotiate. Do not make rationalizations about "for the sake of the children".

If she wakes up - then great for you but you still have a long road ahead and that will be the time for counseling.

If she does not - then you have a head start on a divorce which would have been inevitable all along.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

get a VAR and put under the seat of hre car with velcro. Put another one somewhere in the house where you think she may be calling him. If you think he iscoming to your house get a camera set up.

Keep copies of phone records. Can you get her phone long enough to copy the texts. One poster just grabbed his wifes phone and left with it until he had forwarded it's messages to his email.

The lawyer will probaly tell you even if she getrs primary custody, she can only move a short distance from you, not out of state.

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME!

Put him on cheaterville.com and let himknow naytime his name is googled it will turn up.

Look him up on spokeo.com to find out if he is married. Expose this to everyone he and your wife knows. Affairs thrive in the dark.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

chapparal said:


> get a VAR and put under the seat of hre car with velcro. Put another one somewhere in the house where you think she may be calling him. If you think he iscoming to your house get a camera set up.
> 
> Keep copies of phone records. Can you get her phone long enough to copy the texts. One poster just grabbed his wifes phone and left with it until he had forwarded it's messages to his email.
> 
> ...


Great advice, especially about the VAR in the car and house.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

Forgive her for playing you for a fool. Forgive yourself for allowing her to. And then get rid of her. When a woman treats you like garbage, it means she think your garbage. There ain't no recovering and why would you want to.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

She does not respect you, and is caught up in the affair fog. All she is seeing is the "romance & excitement" part of things. Listen to the other poster's comments. MAKE HER HAVE REAL CONSEQUENCES !! Start divorce proceedings and fight for sole custody of the kids if you can get hard evidence of them having sex.

Unfortunately she is being so clueless right now that she doesn't see the only real ending to this. She moves out to wherever he is (with or w/o your kids). Finds out "Mr. Wonderful" is just another guy like anyone else. The whole thing fizzles, and then she is crying to come back. Especially when she finds out that "Mr. Wonderful" doesn't give a sh#t about the kids.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Your wife is having sex with this guy, not just talking to him. He is probably coming over at night when you're at work and your kids are in bed. The neighbor is helping coordinate this.

It is just about impossible to stop this unless you can physically be with your wife 24/7.

The voice-activated recorders will help you get evidence.

The filing for divorce may jolt her out of the affair if she fears losing her marriage. Right now, it's hard to tell, but you have let her push you around for so long with such small consequences that she believes you'll put up with whatever she dishes out.

Stop having sex with her. Talk with her only about the kids and finances. Stay calm, cool, and confident. 

Separate your finances. Take half out of all of your joint accounts and open a new account.

Get your pay deposited to a new account. 

Whatever you pay for that is hers, stop paying for it. Phone, internet, car, car insurance, etc. Let her see what her life looks like without you.

Tell her you want her out. While she's gone to work, pack up all of her stuff for her and leave it by the door. Offer to drive her to the other man's house or tell her she can live with the neighbor, but she's not welcome in your marital home any longer. Don't you move under any circumstance.

File for divorce and have her served.

Expose her affair to family and friends. Tell them she is in contact with this guy every day and has admitted to making out with him and you suspect she's been having sex with him, and she refuses to end contact, and you would like their support for saving your marriage and keeping your young family intact. This is for family and friends of yours and hers, but not for the neighbor. Also, try as hard as you can to find out information on the other man's wife/girlfriend and expose the affair to her. Tell her what has been going on, ask for her help in ending it.

All of this is to knock her out of her fantasy that she can keep having an affair with this guy and stay married to you.

If she wants to know how she can stay married to you, give her these conditions:

1. No contact ever again with the neighbor or the other man. She handwrites the other man a "no contact" letter stating how horribly ashamed she is of her behavior and how terrible she feels for risking losing you, who she loves more than anyone in the world, and if he ever attempts to contact her again in any way, shape, or form, she will file harassment charges against him. Nothing more, nothing less, no terms of endearment, she begins it with his name, she ends it with "Signed," and her name, no "I'm sorry it ended this way," etc. She gives the letter to you, you make sure it's OK, and you mail it certified to the other man. She also handwrites a "no contact" letter to the neighbor stating the same thing.

2. She gives you access to all communication devices and accounts, all passwords, agrees to tell you where she is 24/7, allows you to monitor her location by gps if you want, agrees to answer your calls immediately when you call her.

3. If you want the truth, make it a condition that she give you the truth about how many times she had sex with him, when it started, and when it ended, and that she will take a polygraph to back up what she tells you.

4. She gets tested for STDs and gives you the results.

Tell her that you cannot control her, only yourself, and what you are willing to accept in a marriage and what you are not, and how you react to her actions.

Throughout all of this, do not lose your temper, do not engage her in arguments, tell her that whatever you are doing, you are doing to fight for her and for your marriage. Remain calm and confident. If she keeps arguing after that, walk away, go to another room.

You may have to divorce her, she may not come back to the marriage, but this course is your best chance to save your marriage.

It might also be a good idea to carry a voice-activated recorder on you and record all your talks with your wife. I get a bad feeling that she might be the type to falsely accuse you of something just to get you out of the house, if so, the voice-activated recorder could save you a lot of trouble.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> Physically threaten the OM


No, no, NO! This is NOT good advice!

So when he is jailed for violence or threats of violence, wife gets a court order barring husband from her and the children, as she pretends she is in fear for her life, has locks changed, etc.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> No, no, NO! This is NOT good advice!
> 
> So when he is jailed for violence or threats of violence, wife gets a court order barring husband from her and the children, as she pretends she is in fear for her life, has locks changed, etc.


understand the sentiment involved but agree totally with Matt. Do not do this. You will put yourself in a really bad position when you go to court. You have to protect yourself right now. You already have enough trouble. Don't be your own worst enemy right now.

Before you make any rash moves talk to your lawyer and do keep coming here for advice. There are some experiencally smart people here. 

Lastly any respose that comes from your gut or emotions right now will most likely be a bad move. Think before you act in everything you do now more than ever before.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

A couple of thing that can make the affair inconvienent and uncomfortable;
*expose the affair to OM wife or girl friend

*confront OM in a none physical manner by setting the record straight with regard to him effecting the dynamics of the marriage. a statement that tells him if the family breaks up you have nothing to lose

* do the 180, distance your self and act indiffernt towards her an action in how you can move on if she continues

* spend more time with the kids with out your wife, it helps keep you grounded and it shows the WW you can make it with out her..if she continues.

* ask her to leave the marital home, she may refuse but its the statement that has the meaning here......showing her how confident you really are in letting her go.

* move her to a spaer room or living room couch, again this action as meaning ......you will not tolorate or share your wife.


The simple step of showing indifference and calm but firm behavior will show your wife you are in control and have a clear path on the direction you are heading if she continues. Make no mistake these tactics will piss her off but that just means these tactic are effective consequences and a sign of things to come if she continues. The madder she gets the better. You my friend just need to be calm...get a VAR!

BTW that last counselor was a joke, find one that specializes in infidelity....one that can see the difference between protecting a marriage and family versus controlling a spouse.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Hate to say it, but I don't think ANY cheating spouse is worth the heartache that goes with trying reconciliation.
When they start dangling your children in front of you, it's easy to see they couldn't care less if you dropped dead, tomorrow.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Yes run with the 180. Can't link to it right now.

Get the book or download at amazon.com Married Man Sex Life. Its a realtionship guide that conatins the MAP plan. After you get the book switch to the MAP plan unless you have decided to divorce your wife. In that case stick to the 180.

Amazon.com: married man sex life: Books


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

sorry man. but you can't nice your way out of this crap.

Its odd, one thinks being the better husband is the way to go, but it just takes more self respect away as your wife misbehaves and you reward her.

Tough love is your best approach, if things work out then there will be a time to support her thru her withdraws and her break up with her boyfriend....but now is not the time.

Its time to make this affair as inconvienent and uncomfortable as possible. You can not compete with this new love so don;t think you can by being Mr. wonderfull.....again sorry it don't work.

Once you can confirm no contact with yours wifes recommitment to the marriage then you can be Mr. wonderful and it will takes month if it happens at all.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

Eli-Zor said:


> Agree , they wont stop the affair unless you make it extremly uncomfortable for them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Exactly - Can you make it extremely uncomfortable, Expensive, shameful and painful for them to continue their affair? I couldn't do it to my WW and her many many OMs at right times - I had plenty opportunities. I thought myself a gentleman and a hero. Wish I had the wisdom of TAM those times.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Re controlling. It is not controlling to refuse to put up with a cheating spouse. You obviously aren't controlling her or she would not be dating another man. But you can control what type of people you allow in your house and your life.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Do you own your home? How hard would it be to move?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stonewall said:


> Think before you act in everything you do now more than ever before.


Great word of wisdom.

Think everything thru will give you the confidence and control your old lady needs to see right now.

She needs to see a calm and confident man that is in control, a man that will not share his wife, will not be labled controlling when he is just protecting his family, a man that has direction if she continues.

Currently she has no reason to think twice or second guess her choices....today she sees a husband that will always be around!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

hookares said:


> Hate to say it, but I don't think ANY cheating spouse is worth the heartache that goes with trying reconciliation.
> When they start dangling your children in front of you, it's easy to see they couldn't care less if you dropped dead, tomorrow.


Can't agree with you. This is based on my personal experience, however.


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

RBJ: Listen to these guys, don't get violent, get smart. Ignore the hecklers, trouble makes and controversy junkies. The advice is good and when applied with commitment works. I see too many guys think they can do it another way and a few councillors who council weakness. Hang in and hold on, which ever way it goes. Its gonna suck but its like surgery, it hurts like hell till it gets better.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

You have gotten a lot of good advice. The most important is: DO NOT LEAVE THE HOME! Part of your divorce document will contain custody of the children. Make it an immediate stipulation that neither one of you can take the kids out of the state or XX miles from where they are currently living.

I also want to add that by continuing to work on the marriage with her while she still contacts the OM you are teaching your wife her behavior is okay. I know that may be hard for you to swallow but unless you put your foot down this is doomed to failure.

You can go threaten the OM but you may find yourself in jail. I am not sure that will serve you or your kids well at all. How about you do what serves you and your kids best?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Talk to a lawyer yesterday. Don't move out.
Read, implement the 180 from now on. Take care of yourself and your children, ignore her.
Pack her stuff in trash bags, kick her out, send her to OM's, let him deal with her. Text him he can have her, congrat him on succesfully become a homewreker.
Expose to every one.


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

Acabado: Wish I had your gift for concise and clear, hope you are listened to.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Can't agree with you. This is based on my personal experience, however.


That's your prerogative. People seldom do.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

Acabado said:


> . Text him he can have her, congrat him on succesfully become a homewreker.


And thank him for exposing her for the kind of disloyal woman she is and allowing you the opportunity to ditch her now that the cat's outta the bag. And let her know you've now no longer believe she's an excellent role model for your kids.


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## RJB (Sep 16, 2012)

Ok, thank you to everyone for the good advice. Yes, I probably have been too nice, but I haven't for a second thought that I was going to nice her out of an affair. Yesterday during the confrontation I told her that if she didn't stop all contact and remove him from her phone that it would be over. This morning in a moment of shocking transparency she came to me showed me her phone, deleted him from contacts, and deleted the call history, and message history. 

Then she spent the rest of the day moping about how *I* made her lose her friend... 

She still has the prepaid phones, and I fully expect her to either restore his number to her phone from an SD card backup, or call him on the prepaid phones.

SO, as of tomorrow morning I will have my own P.O. Box, and my own separate bank account. I'm working on securing my own finances. Within a week or so there will be VARs in the car and in the house. We are currently renting the house, but our lease ended and we are on a month to month basis. I have NO intentions of moving out, and she knows it. There is no way I'm moving out to let her stay in a house I pay for.


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## DH1971 (Sep 15, 2012)

RJB said:


> My wife and I have been married five years and a few months. We have two children ages 4 and 2. I work in the evening. My wife recently started working again, but she wasn't working from the end of 2009 until July 2012.
> 
> A neighbor friend had been coming over in the evening and then one night her male cousin came over with her. I had met him once before, but he didn't come around often. Then he started coming over with her every evening. My wife became very guarded about her phone and I began to get suspicious. I found flirtatious text messages and many calls to him on her phone. When I confronted her I got lies. When she finally confessed to anything she said they had made out but it hadn't gone any further. The real problem was that she said before-hand they had a discussion about having an extra-marital affair and the damage it could do to her marriage and she decided to proceed with it.
> 
> ...


Well by the story you just told, I would be inclined to believe she is in a PA.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

The counselor is a fool, stop paying him/her

Telling you to stop checking up on her would be the same as telling you to stop checking up on a heroin addict. 

While your wife isn't addicted to drugs, she is addicted to contact with the OM(and yes her brain is firing when shes doing something so taboo) 

Its not controlling to have boundaries. 

This is the best line for an indignant 'you can't control me' spouse

"You're right, I can't control and you can do whatever you want, but I'm not gonna be your husband while you do so. See, I can do whatever I want as well. If you continue to be unfaithful to me or try to do so in secrecy, I'm filing for divorce, no questions asked.

If you don't want to respect my boundaries and our marriage, theres the door. Walk out of it and wait to be served with D papers within the week" 

Also wait one or two more day and if she hasn't coughed up the prepaid cell phones, demand them. Go with her when she gets them so she can't wipe the data on them. If OMs number is there and recent calls, then show her the door. 

Cause shes addicted to contacting OM right now. If gives her a rush to do and theres no arm patch for emotional affairs like there is for nicotine. 

She either goes cold turkey or she goes out of the house and into the cold.

When you give ultimatums, you gotta act them.


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## RJB (Sep 16, 2012)

Kasler said:


> Telling you to stop checking up on her would be the same as telling you to stop checking up on a heroin addict.
> 
> While your wife isn't addicted to drugs, she is addicted to contact with the OM(and yes her brain is firing when shes doing something so taboo)


I really got a good laugh when I saw this because that's exactly how she described it when she tried to rationalize this situation just a few days before she went out to buy the first prepaid phone

She said she was going to stop talking to him and then a few hours later was talking about how it was like cocaine and she couldn't just give it up cold turkey


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

RJB said:


> I really got a good laugh when I saw this because that's exactly how she described it when she tried to rationalize this situation just a few days before she went out to buy the first prepaid phone
> 
> She said she was going to stop talking to him and then a few hours later was talking about how it was like cocaine and she couldn't just give it up cold turkey


She is too deep. The only way you can stop this is to take the fun out of it, she is in la la land.... In her own little world with him, he has her.. You need to put an end to that... She needs real consequences, I would kick her out, and file for D. Make her see reality, let her see that you are in control.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your counsellor rather suddenly turned into an enabler of your wife's affair. Why is that?:scratchhead:


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

RJB said:


> I really got a good laugh when I saw this because that's exactly how she described it when she tried to rationalize this situation just a few days before she went out to buy the first prepaid phone
> 
> She said she was going to stop talking to him and then a few hours later was talking about how it was like cocaine and she couldn't just give it up cold turkey


It can be like a drug, but its still no excuse for it. 

Give her consequences man. When you tell her "Okay would you rather be out of this house at a hotel PAID FOR WITH YOUR MONEY or a friends?" 

She'll snap out of it pretty quick. 

You can't ease someone out of the EA, gotta violently shake them out of it so they can face reality.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

The bishop said:


> She is too deep. *The only way you can stop this is to take the fun out of it,* she is in la la land....


Exactly. After reading your all posts, there is no other way. And there won't be any miracle - She is not going to come out of it herself, and she doesn't have any intention. 

Deleting his number and messages from phone and then repenting? That's a joke. She is behaving like a teenage girl. 

Sorry for repeating what all above posters are saying - You already had good advice. Please don't be a news reporter - DO SOMETHING. Its your life. I do not see any place for R. 
Sorry for any harsh words - but everyone on this thread has some feelings for you.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

Kasler said:


> You can't ease someone out of the EA, *gotta violently shake them out of it so they can face reality.*


Its not EA. Its full fledged PA. But the advice in bold is perfect.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

RJB said:


> My wife and I have been married five years and a few months. We have two children ages 4 and 2. I work in the evening. My wife recently started working again, but she wasn't working from the end of 2009 until July 2012.
> 
> A neighbor friend had been coming over in the evening and then one night her male cousin came over with her. I had met him once before, but he didn't come around often. Then he started coming over with her every evening. My wife became very guarded about her phone and I began to get suspicious. I found flirtatious text messages and many calls to him on her phone. When I confronted her I got lies. When she finally confessed to anything she said they had made out but it hadn't gone any further. The real problem was that she said before-hand they had a discussion about having an extra-marital affair and the damage it could do to her marriage and she decided to proceed with it.
> 
> ...


Get a new counselor. 

The best are sex addiction counselors because all affair are a fantasy the spouse has become addicted to. 

The counselor is wrong to allow her to continue the affair. She needs to be told it is wrong and she has to stop if she wants to save her marriage. 

I say boot her. That may wake her up.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Like the other posts have already said, get rid of that therapist ! Yikes !


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

There is only one way to give up an addiction that involves loved ones and that is cold turkey!

"Shape up or ship out, my house isn't a hotel, you can't come and go as you please, this isn't a bordel, a brothel, a free safe house. If you love me you show me through actions not through words, because I will not tolerate your waywardness any longer and if I do not see IMMEDIATE REMEDIATION and begin reparation for your actions NOW, I am done and you are gone as simple as it sounds. You need to stop living in candy land and you need to leave your ridiculous fantasies behind, that you are a tool being used and you have in turn destroyed our marriage. I deserve better and if you will not become better you for me than I'll find someone better."


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

RJB said:


> She still has the prepaid phones, and I fully expect her to either restore his number to her phone from an SD card backup, or call him on the prepaid phones.


You know what I would do for effect? I would take the pre-paid phone(s), ask her to come in the room, put it on the floor and crush it with my foot. Then do it again if there is more than one. Then take the SD card and flush it down the toilet.


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## RJB (Sep 16, 2012)

Ok, so after deleting his number yesterday she decided to change her facebook password today...

I am no longer harboring any hope of fixing the marriage. I am beyond 180 and threatening or any attempts to make it stop. I don't care anymore if she stops or not. She has broken my trust beyond the point of repair. 

That said I cant give her the boot just yet. In my state the only way I can file for divorce now is if I can prove that there is physical adultery. Otherwise we would have to be separated for at least a year, possibly two, before I could get a divorce. I know there is a PA here, but I cant give her the boot until I have all my evidence required for the state to grant an adultery divorce.

While I cant help being somewhat detached, I will be doing my best to play the game until I can give her the boot. I want her to think I trust her again. I want her to think I want to fix the marriage. We will continue to go see the therapist because insurance is paying for it. The guy is an idiot, but it will increase her comfort level. Ive been with her for almost 7 years, and she is a creature of habit and a creature of comfort. The more she thinks I trust her, the more careless she will be about the affair.

Within a week or so there will be VARs in her car and the house, and a camera inside my front door. Given her level of obsession with him, I doubt it will take too long to get what I need.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

What do you mean, you can't get a D., in your state,---all states have irreconcilable differences, and I am pretty sure, you can file, and just wait out the time period----at least check your states family codes, to find out----Adultery, does not need to be your grounds for D.

Why are you being so nice to her----if you want this mge, then you need to be harsh, and yank her out of her A., if you don't care, then do it anyway you wish

What you should do, is give her a big dose of reality, cancel ALL, of her CC's, make her pay half of each and every bill you get for anything, including, all insurances, mtg., car, utilities, necessaries for living---everything----she needs to see what life will be like on her own, I guarantee you, she will get a real quick attitude change----she may not come out of her limerance---but she will start thinking differently---but it really boils down to what you want, as to your future.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

RJB said:


> Ok, so after deleting his number yesterday she decided to change her facebook password today...
> 
> I am no longer harboring any hope of fixing the marriage. I am beyond 180 and threatening or any attempts to make it stop. I don't care anymore if she stops or not. She has broken my trust beyond the point of repair.
> 
> ...


That sounds like crap. Theres a whole list of ways you can file for divorce from your spouse, look them up. Also are you in a no faul

I think you need to talk to a lawyer. I don't know where you heard "you have to have proof of them cheating blah blah" but thats BS, in U.S anyways.


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## Doc Who (Sep 9, 2012)

RJB

Does a fault divorce (for infidelity) mean a difference in financials? If so, and if it is significant, then please carry on. But if not, I highly recommend for your sanity to separate and divorce now.

Good luck brother.


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

I understand it varies state to state, most no faults have a waiting period. In Ontario its a year and adultery and abandonment are more imortant in deciding custody issues. Why be so nice when she treats you like s**t. Get a good lawyer, get your finances in order, Stop paying for her stuff, hunker down and hit her with the two by four of reality.


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## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

I have to defend OP over the comments regarding legal nitpicking of divorce procedures in his state.

This place is great for constructive advice that ends and exposes affairs and sets in motion the conditions required for moving on or reconciling in a healthy manner.

however, most of the posters here aren't familiar with divorce laws in 50 different states. I am not a divorce attorney, but I have specific familiarity with some law and some general experience with the State of MD. I am around 99% certain that MD requires a couple to live apart and not have sex for 1-2 years before filing a divorce action UNLESS there is adultery or "cruelty" that the Plaintiff can prove. So when the OP is talking about collecting evidence for an adultery divorce, he means just that. Otherwise the divorce procedures are different. The OP is looking at the adultery route because he probably doesn't want to wait for a 1 year desertion, 2 year separation, or for his wife to be committed to a mental institution for over 3 years.

This gets pretty complicated. I don't live in MD currently. In MY state ( unfortunately I've had good reason to look into this thoroughly) there are FOUR different ways to change the legal status of a marriage, including a Legal Separation ( which many states, including MD do not have) that results in an indefinite limbo. There is a specific legal maneuver when both parties fully agree to end the marriage and agree to all terms, contested divorces with charges brought, etc.

Otherwise on pure relationship strategy without regards to the legal BS, the advice here is pure Gold as usual.


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