# H hates hearing, 'You're So Lucky'



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

In high school my hubby was the 'bad boy' and I was the 'goody-goody' girl that everyone knew was saving herself for marriage. 
We started dating the month before he graduated and left for college. Now here we are 3yrs dating plus 22years of marriage and 3 kids later!! (Two are out of the house and one teen still at home. )

Anyway, in high school I was sort of used to being the 'untouchable', 'up on a pedestal', kind of girl. I knew that boys (later men) thought I was pretty but I belonged to H and that was that. (We started dating when I was 15-1/2)

Hubby would get comments from friends like, you're so lucky, I can't believe you two are together, etc. (I thought it was because I had barely dated and HE was the one I chose, I thought it was a compliment TO him at the time.)

Throughout the years those kinds of comments have continued though. People at work or wherever, will meet my H and get to know him. (He's fun, friendly, and often well liked immediately by people. He's always straightforward and 'tells it like it is', and people are really drawn to that aspect of him. Because he's also very helpful, loyal, and just plain sweet!)
Then when they meet me, he will get those comments like, "what did you do to get her?" Or "you're so lucky man."

Sometimes people (like hubby's colleagues or even managers) will even say to me upon meeting me, "what are you doing with this guy?" They say this jokingly and I've never really known how to handle it because I just think they're being silly and that somehow H is in on it. I'm used to the BIG difference between our personas and I think I must automatically hearken back to our high school days when everyone WAS genuinely shocked at us being together. Like two people from 'opposite sides of the tracks' so I just laugh it off and dirt of ignore it.

In our earlier years when this would happen H would just seem really proud to have me. And he would act like, yep I'm lucky and you can look but only I get to touch. 
So he too would play it off like a joke or something that just rolled off of his back.

He would tell me sometimes when people said these things to him, to boost my self confidence because I often struggled with very low self-esteem and went through times where didn't see myself as beautiful or attractive. So i knew about these comments from that context too.

But in the last 6 years we have both gone through some very difficult stuff personally and as a couple. His self image has taken a beating and I've been knocked off my pedestal. This issue, that used to just be kind of cute and harmless (I thought), has come up several times and he gets really upset by it. 

Recently a long time friend (male-married) visited us from out of town. (His W had to stay home) Friend knows we've had a rough go of it lately but when I wasn't in the room Friend told H how lucky he was to have me. H just turned to him and said, "it's not luck, marriage is hard work and I've worked hard for her!" Friend took that really weird and started acting defensive of me! like H didn't appreciate me. It was SO strange. After that H was pretty pissed at this friend which I understand.

H asked me the other day, 'does anyone ever tell YOU that? How lucky YOU are to have ME?' (He said this kind of accusingly, like he expected that no one does.)
I said that people have, because he's such a good hubby and so supportive, etc. 
he's like, 'yeah yeah, but not because I'm hot!!'

It's weird, because I know this is HIS problem and there's nothing I can do about what other people say, but I feel bad about it and I don't know why. Like maybe there IS something I should do.

The most recent thing I said which may or may not have been good was, 'maybe you just need to pick better friends to hang out with if you don't like how they talk about me and/or you.'

He actually seemed to agree with that though.

My thoughts about this are: that what other people think of us and our 'pairing' doesn't carry weight when it comes to what we are to each other. I tell my H that I think he is hot. I compliment him and the various parts of his physique that I esp like. I tell him what a great and supportive hubby he is. And he compliments me like crazy. Those people out there who say those things have no idea the truth of what makes our relationship tick. What he's done for me and what I've done for him. So it bothers me that he is letting this get to him. I also feel he isn't as 'proud' of me anymore, but more likely he just isn't feeling 'proud' of himself.

I recognize that this is 'easy' for me because I'm getting the 'compliment' in the situation so I don't want to just treat it like a dumb little thing if it's big to my H. Which clearly it is!

So my question is, can any of you help me have a better perspective on his viewpoint so I can understand better? And also what I can do to support him? Maybe I just need to be more reassuring when this comes up? I don't know how to handle it because he seems upset at ME. Even though I know he's not.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Background on this may be relevant. Can you elaborate?

"But in the last 6 years we have both gone through some very difficult stuff personally and as a couple. His self image has taken a beating and I've been knocked off my pedestal. "


----------



## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Its a pretty common thing for people to say to a man about his wife/girlfriend. I think your husband is just being extra sensitive right now, for whatever reasons that you didnt elaborate on. Maybe remind him that its just something that people say, and to not take it so personally? I don't mean that its just something people say either, I am sure you are very beautiful, but all women are beautiful and nearly all their men hear this. Whatever has him feeling so low is whatever you two need to focus and work on, this is just a manifestation of a deeper problem.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

tigerlilly,

If by saying that you have been "knocked off your pedestal" that you actually mean "I had an affair" then you are dealing with a very different kind of problem, and it changes the nature of the advice enormously.

Tamat


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that people tell him often how lucky he is to have you.

How many times in all these years have you replied back saying that how lucky you are that you found such a wonderful, sexy guy?


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> Its a pretty common thing for people to say to a man about his wife/girlfriend. I think your husband is just being extra sensitive right now, for whatever reasons that you didnt elaborate on. Maybe remind him that its just something that people say, and to not take it so personally? I don't mean that its just something people say either, I am sure you are very beautiful, but all women are beautiful and nearly all their men hear this. Whatever has him feeling so low is whatever you two need to focus and work on, this is just a manifestation of a deeper problem.


I agree with this. It's not uncommon for men to tell other men, 'you're lucky' etc. It seems like maybe there is something deeper at play? Idk.


----------



## Kilgoretrout (Feb 2, 2016)

How that remark is taken also depends on the intent. If the intent is to point out how wonderful you are, fine. But if to suggest he is unworthy, if repeated often enough, is kind of insulting m, even as a joke
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I can kind of relate to how your husband feels when told how lucky he is. People used to say that to me all the time about my husband. "Ooooh you're so lucky" "Oooh he's so good to you" . I am and he is, believe me I KNOW that. 

My oldest friend was gushing about him to me one day, about how lucky I am and how wonderful he is - again, I am and he is, but FFS. I'd had enough and I turned and said to her "You know what? So is HE. His first wife made his life a living hell, he had no peace, it was fiery and volatile all. the. time." I went on to say "I've accepted his daughter as my own, he has a loving, devoted wife and stepmum for his daughter. Yes, I am lucky to have found him, and HE is lucky to have found ME".

Now people say we're lucky to have found each other, and I wholeheartedly agree


----------



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> Background on this may be relevant. Can you elaborate?






Illbehisfoolagain said:


> Its a pretty common thing for people to say to a man about his wife/girlfriend. I think your husband is just being extra sensitive right now, for whatever reasons that you didnt elaborate on.



Well yeah I can elaborate but there is so much stuff that has happened in the last 6 years I was hoping to just get some advice about where we are now. Your instant response with reference to this being a deeper issue made me realize it is, and I can't just skim the surface. I just don't know what more I can do about it so wanted to focus on something small. Maybe I should've started the thread from a different angle, but in a nutshell:


We had been married for 16 years and in the last 6 years:

Yr-16 I began to have memories of CSA that I had NO idea about. Began working through all that it was bringing up and seeking counseling for healing. I was finally understanding for the first time where my sexual hindrances had come from. I had completely repressed a big chunk of my childhood. 

Yr-18 (Completely unrelated to above) My hubby finally lost his temper so badly after 18 years of underlying anger issues I told him if he ever did it again I would leave him. He took it very seriously and spent the next 6 months getting his anger issues dealt with. (Successfully) I wish I would've gone to counseling at this point but I didn't know I needed too.)

Yr-19 I am embarrassed and ashamed to say I had entered into what I thought was a completely innocent friendship with a man, whose wife and H and I were couple friends with and ended up having an EA. 
As soon as I recognized where my feelings were heading, it ended and it's been 3 years since DD.

H and I went to MC for several months the first year and again the second year after DD. I have done IC throughout. 

So yeah, it's relevant. 
I can give more details if they pertain. But at this point we are well into successful R and it's more of the nitty-gritty of working on building up my hubby's self esteem. This issue about him being 'lucky' just keeps coming up and i don't know how to help him through it. 
He says on a scale of 1-10 his trust in me has gone back up to a 7. We are doing well in most every area except his self-esteem. And honestly isn't that an inside job? (That sounded curt...but I meant beyond what I can do or say he is the only one who can know what he needs and let me know how I can support him.)

I am supporting him I every way I know. Doing all the right things and as completely remorseful and transparent a fWW can be. 
I've truly been harder on myself than he has been on me over this.


----------



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

I really hope that didn't sound like I feel HE needs to just get over this because I have been reading on TAM long enough to know that it's not up to me to decide how long he needs to get over this. When I say I'm doing everything 'right' I just mean that I'm doing all the stuff that people say needs to be done like IC, MC, letting the BS ask questions, give them space and time to heal and call the shots (emotionally speaking). I am doing the 'heavy lifting' and we truly are doing well. This 'lucky' thing just came a bit out of the blue for me and caught me off guard.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

tigerlilly,

Sorry didn't do my homework and read your older posts, it does not seem there were affairs in your marriage.

I have a great deal of experience with what your H has heard from others and it has had a slow corrosive effect on my psyche. 

One particularly bad episode was an attorney who was sort of a family friend to my Ws family, he "joked" with my W that she should divorce me and he would represent her in court. This same attorney had asked my W out for coffee when she was dating me. Through the years I have mentioned to my W that someday he will end up in crosshairs and that he is never to step foot on our property. 

Although these kinds of events had 1/100 the effect of finding out she had cheated, they were never forgotten. They also in an odd way felt similar to cheating in that, when my W did not notice what had happened or discontinue contact with that person I felt betrayed.

Tamat


----------



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

@TAMAT I just posted a more detailed reference to what has happened and unfortunately yes there was an EA. 
Even so, I am gleaning from what you said about that it felt oddly similar to cheating when your wife didn't take those intense comments seriously and set some distance between herself and this guy. 
That is really opening my eyes to my hubby's plight in this. 
That there IS a lot I can do to stand up for him in those moments.


----------



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> You say that people tell him often how lucky he is to have you.
> 
> 
> 
> How many times in all these years have you replied back saying that how lucky you are that you found such a wonderful, sexy guy?



Yes! I need to learn to do this. I tend to be a little slow in the comeback department. I always think of witty things to say hours later. But since this has obviously become a trend I have no excuse but to learn a good response for when it happens!


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

tigerlily99 said:


> I really hope that didn't sound like I feel HE needs to just get over this because I have been reading on TAM long enough to know that it's not up to me to decide how long he needs to get over this. When I say I'm doing everything 'right' I just mean that I'm doing all the stuff that people say needs to be done like IC, MC, letting the BS ask questions, give them space and time to heal and call the shots (emotionally speaking). I am doing the 'heavy lifting' and we truly are doing well. This 'lucky' thing just came a bit out of the blue for me and caught me off guard.


Seeing that there were affairs, maybe the 'lucky' statements just serve as triggers of sorts for him?


----------



## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> Seeing that there were affairs, maybe the 'lucky' statements just serve as triggers of sorts for him?


Definitely agree with this. Every time someone tells him he's lucky to have you, it's a slap in the face to him and a reminder of your betrayal. If he was truly lucky in having you, you wouldn't have betrayed him. Because you did, he isn't lucky, and when people say that to him, he has to bite his tongue and cope with the sudden rush of anger.



tigerlily99 said:


> H asked me the other day, 'does anyone ever tell YOU that? How lucky YOU are to have ME?' (He said this kind of accusingly, like he expected that no one does.)
> I said that people have, because he's such a good hubby and so supportive, etc.
> he's like, 'yeah yeah, but not because I'm hot!!'
> 
> It's weird, because I know this is HIS problem and there's nothing I can do about what other people say, but I feel bad about it and I don't know why. Like maybe there IS something I should do.


It isn't HIS problem. You caused it. But the only thing you can do about it is appreciate that he's giving you a chance to earn back his trust. And maybe assure him that YOU are the lucky one to have him, yes, no matter what people tell you or him.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You are the lucky one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

This has been an issue for me. I point out that my wife has never in 25 years paid me a genuine compliment. Never said how lucky she is to have me. She'll deny it and shortly after compliment my jeans. But ya, that's not me. 

So do you compliment your husband? To him? To your friends? Do you deny how lucky he is and exclaim how lucky you are when people say that? Do you build him up?


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Definitely agree with this. Every time someone tells him he's lucky to have you, it's a slap in the face to him and a reminder of your betrayal. If he was truly lucky in having you, you wouldn't have betrayed him. Because you did, he isn't lucky, and when people say that to him, he has to bite his tongue and cope with the sudden rush of anger.


This, and I was thinking that it could be he is triggered into thinking he isn't good enough and that is what caused the affairs. Just a guess, as we don't know him, but that might be another problem with hearing the 'lucky' comments. Truth about affairs, people that cheat usually have something missing inside of themselves that needs to be filled, and it's not really the marriage's 'fault' at all. But, when betrayed, the person who has been betrayed still feels somewhat responsible. 

OP, it's just something you're gonna have to work through with him...


----------



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

Yes I agree. I AM the lucky one. And it's strange how compartmentalized I can be about all of this.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

tigerlily99 said:


> Yes I agree. I AM the lucky one. And it's strange how compartmentalized I can be about all of this.


Welcome to being human. We're all works in progress. Just be patient, and work with him.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

You are the lucky one, lucky he didn't kick you to the curb. I totally get why the lucky comments would upset him, how is it in any way lucky to have a cheating wife?

As to get beyond this well in our home we tell each other often how lucky we both are to have each other. Sometimes he will just give out a big sigh, hug me and tell me he is the luckiest man alive, I tell him I am the luckiest woman alive. No one else matters, no one else's comments matter, it is a good and positive affirmation. No cheating here, if there was then the lucky comment would be a slap in the face.


----------



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

WorkingOnMe said:


> So do you compliment your husband? To him? To your friends? Do you deny how lucky he is and exclaim how lucky you are when people say that? Do you build him up?



I do compliment my hubby to his face.
But I could definitely start to compliment him to friends in front of him!
I've always been a more quiet person...but if it would help him I can work on it!

I am the lucky one, I never realized how much things have shifted since before the EA.

We have focused so much on fixing our marriage and he has put a lot of energy into being someone I could feel safe with (because of the past anger issues) but I didn't realize this was something I could do that would help boost his feelings of safety with me too.


----------



## Kilgoretrout (Feb 2, 2016)

Holland said:


> You are the lucky one, lucky he didn't kick you to the curb. I totally get why the lucky comments would upset him, how is it in any way lucky to have a cheating wife?
> 
> As to get beyond this well in our home we tell each other often how lucky we both are to have each other. Sometimes he will just give out a big sigh, hug me and tell me he is the luckiest man alive, I tell him I am the luckiest woman alive. No one else matters, no one else's comments matter, it is a good and positive affirmation. No cheating here, if there was then the lucky comment would be a slap in the face.


I like the way you 2 handle it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kilgoretrout (Feb 2, 2016)

tigerlily99 said:


> I do compliment my hubby to his face.
> But I could definitely start to compliment him to friends in front of him!
> I've always been a more quiet person...but if it would help him I can work on it!
> 
> ...


I think you need to communicate to him how happy you are that he gave things another chance and that no one else knows what they are talking about
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

Kilgoretrout said:


> I think you need to communicate to him how happy you are that he gave things another chance and that no one else knows what they are talking about
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Yes. Thank you for that. I am starting to understand this in a way that I really didn't see before.
Like I mentioned earlier I didn't realize how much I was compartmentalizing things. 
Of course his pride in me has changed and of course he feels differently about people saying he is lucky. 

In my mind we dodged a bullet. We made it through this and now we're back to normal (in my mind.) But of course the reminder of the pain I caused him comes up whenever he hears how 'lucky' he is.

I felt confused at how he seemed angry with me over it. Now I understand. 
Duh!


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*IMHO, your H should just develop a little bit of maturity and move on!

Sounds greatly like you both are so very fortunate to have found each other! Celebrate that resounding fact, both individually and together, and, thank God for each other's presence in your lives, and just move on appreciatively!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

@arbitrator do you mean move on from me? Or move on past this?

If the latter, I do think he has moved on. I think that this just triggered a bad memory. 

I understand triggers. I'm just glad that TAM readers have helped me realize that's what this is. And I CAN help him move on by my reassurance. 
I feel really good about that.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

tigerlily99 said:


> @arbitrator do you mean move on from me? Or move on past this?
> 
> If the latter, I do think he has moved on. I think that this just triggered a bad memory.
> 
> ...


*Implicitly, "to move on past this behavior!" And never to move on from you!

Does that make sense?*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Well, there is the tradition (not followed much any more), of saying "congratulations" to the groom because he is lucky to get her, and saying "best wishes" to the bride (because she shouldn't feel like she is lucky to have landed someone).

More specifically to your situation, I would say that maybe the best thing you can do here is that when such "lucky guy" statements are said in your presence, you should tell the speaker, "No, I am the lucky one." 

And tell your husband that in private as well. often.


----------



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

arbitrator said:


> *Implicitly, "to move on past this behavior!" And never to move on from you!
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Thank you for clarifying.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

What are you doing to SHOW, and not just tell him that you're lucky to have him? 

How does he show with his actions, that he is lucky to have you? 

Sounds like you're both relying on words and outside validation to repair damage to your relationship when it must be healed on the inside, by only you two. People on the outside have no notion of the reality you live in, unless you tell them, so they compliment a false reality and this is probably grating for your husband to hear. 

I'd have a sit down and reaffirm to each other how you are both going to put the effort into healing the marriage, without worrying what others say or may think.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Your background explanation threw a whole new light on this.

Upto the time of your affair, it would have been a compliment that he would have been happy about and even bragged about.

Then you mention you had an EA with a mutual friend (but not before you mentioned that he had anger issues or something else, almost to kind of justify the EA). Now he realises that more than half of these men would have a fling with you given half the chance and you gave one of them the chance.

Now along comes another "friend" who clearly has a crush on you and even starts defending you and what do you expect your hubby to do ?

By the way, how did your EA end ? Were you discovered ? What ?

As others have said, I would tell him how much you appreciate him being around and giving you a second chance etc. and show him how much you love him (which I am assuming you do although you did have an affair).


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

tigerlily99 said:


> I also feel he isn't as 'proud' of me anymore, but more likely he just isn't feeling 'proud' of himself.


If that is your feeling, that he isn't as proud of you anymore, is it possible that you aren't as proud of yourself anymore? How did you forgive yourself for your actions and the part you played in the dynamic? It's not intended as a question for you to answer here.

Do you know that you are good enough and worthy of his love?


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Satya said:


> What are you doing to SHOW, and not just tell him that you're lucky to have him?
> 
> How does he show with his actions, that he is lucky to have you?
> 
> ...


Yeah, this. Actions speak louder than words. They affirm the words or deny them.

This is a good time for this site. 

Home | The 5 Love Languages® | Improving Millions of Relationships? One Language at a Time.

I think, when you don't know how to show them you love them, but want to, it's a great way to learn.

You do want to. Don't you?

One of your posts made me wonder if you really do believe that you are lucky to have him. I mean, you state in your op that you were one of the most popular girls in school and had all kinds of boys to choose from, but saved yourself for the right one. 

As an adult, you chose the bad boy, but something was obviously wrong, since you were talking with another man about things you should have been sharing with your husband.

Seems to me, you have this little voice inside your head that keeps gnawing at you. "Did I really choose the best man for me? This may be my last chance. Do I want to never know what it's like to be with other men, who seem to know what I want and how wonderful I am? They defend my honor by telling my husband off. Husband just takes it and that leaves me feeling like he is guilty and not worthy of me." 

I know. The above is a huge leap. If it jogs your emotions and thoughts, it may well be worth the risk of offending you by putting words in your mouth, so to speak. 

In a nutshell, I don't think you are dedicated as much as you were. I think you are questioning your choices and would secretly like to have a hall pass to figure out if you are going to dedicate the rest of your life to him.

I think his anger issues are causing you to wonder about him. I think they are also easily used as an excuse to justify some thoughts you are struggling with. Many have thoughts like what if. It isn't that unusual, even in socalled good marriages. 

The anger issues are his. He should know your boundaries surrounding that. If he does not, you may want to have a loving heart to heart talk with him some day.

I think this is more than just the obvious. I think you have questions and I hope you get them figured out. Now that you have your self esteem, do the honorable things and if it ends in divorce, you will still be that girl that was placed on a pedestal back in high school.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Oh, if those friends know of his anger issues, they may well be reminding him of them and their knowledge of his actions intentionally, when they tell him he is lucky to have you. If that is the case, he is struggling with his anger and wanting to get rid of the references to his issues. 

So, maybe it isn't just an innocent way of actually saying he is a lucky man? Might be best to get his opinion?


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

frusdil said:


> Now people say we're lucky to have found each other, and I wholeheartedly agree


I love that.

Recently the girls at the local coffee spot had connected the dots to realize the guy who 'makes us laugh... he's so funny, as soon as I see his smile, it makes me smile' is indeed my husband. 'We thought he may have been your husband, you're both lovely..' before gushing about my husband again 'You could never get grumpy with him, he'd just smile and make you laugh!' I nodded and with a bemused wink told her 'Eh, he's alright.' 

Funnily enough, that morning we had been grumpy with each other but it quickly dissipated. We were talking with friends about this coffee spot and I shamelessly bragged on him, sharing their comments and that I couldn't agree more! He does have a great smile and way about him. He appreciated hearing this.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

> I nodded and with a bemused wink told her 'Eh, he's alright.'


That's a great answer. Made me smile when I read that.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Bottom line from what I have read is your husband doesn't feel so lucky anymore, your EA took that away from him. He has spent many years erasing his bad boy image, he is a good husband and father, a hard worker, a good friend and neighbor. Being with you made him want to be a better person, and your life together was proof that all his effort was worth it.

Then BANG, you kicked the foundation right out from under him. Now he thinks WTF, all those years meant nothing, no matter how hard he tried obviously it was never good enough. He's hurt, he's pissed, he's confused, he's concerned, he's resentful, your EA has demoralized his faith in you and the marriage, and in himself. And you can bet your last dollar he's also questioning if there were other affairs, and if there will be more.

Anyway.....now when someone tells him how "lucky" he is it just pisses him off because all he can think about is they have no idea what the true dynamics of the marriage are. The harsh truth is your little EA has altered his entire reality, and that is a hard thing to get over.


----------



## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

People who don't know my WW and I split tell me how lucky I am. They don't know about the years of emotional abuse followed by two EA's and then leaving. Right, really lucky.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

tigerlily99 said:


> In my mind we dodged a bullet. We made it through this and now *we're back to normal (in my mind.)* But of course the reminder of the pain I caused him comes up whenever he hears how 'lucky' he is.
> 
> I felt confused at how he seemed angry with me over it. *Now I understand. *
> Duh!





Cooper said:


> Then BANG, *you kicked the foundation right out from under him. *Now he thinks WTF, all those years meant nothing, no matter how hard he tried obviously it was never good enough. * He's hurt, he's pissed, he's confused, he's concerned, he's resentful, your EA has demoralized his faith in you and the marriage, and in himself. * And you can bet your last dollar he's also questioning if there were other affairs, and if there will be more.
> 
> Anyway.....now when someone tells him how "lucky" he is it just pisses him off because all he can think about is they have no idea what the true dynamics of the marriage are. *The harsh truth is your little EA has altered his entire reality, and that is a hard thing to get over.*


 @tigerlily99 You had an EA. If you have been on TAM for a while you know what that means. Mostly probably you wanted to fvck the other man or you would have under the right circumstances. Read that sentence again. If you say you would not have done that, you are in denial.

You think everything is back to normal FOR YOU. But reality is things are NOT back to normal and never will be FOR HIM. Expect him to tell you he is over it and he might be at that instance, but at other times he will not be over it. 

Don't think that your husband will EVER forget this. Don't be surprised if you are arguing 24.3 years later that this comes up again. Don't ask me why I know this. :frown2:

And don't be surprised if one day he says that he regrets staying with you after the EA, maybe 24.3 years later. He won't always feel that way, but at times he will. :frown2:

To help you further you may want to give the details of your EA, why it happened, and how it was exposed. Also relevant to this is your husband's anger. Did he physically hit or put you in fear of physical harm? I think you are implying this and that is very relevant to you and the conditions that lead to your EA.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

tigerlily99 said:


> WorkingOnMe said:
> 
> 
> > So do you compliment your husband? To him? To your friends? Do you deny how lucky he is and exclaim how lucky you are when people say that? Do you build him up?
> ...


I would advise being careful about your compliments. If you suddenly start gushing about how awesome and wonderful he is, he's just going to feel worse, because if you thought so highly of him, then why did you cheat on him?

By all means, express appreciation for his dedication to you, and how hard you know things have been for him. But don't just go talking up his good qualities that were present before your affair. Maybe focus on what you realize now that you ignored back then.


----------



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

I so appreciate those of you who took the time to respond to my post. Thank you!

I REALLY wish I had known about TAM earlier...but I'm sure this is the perfect time for it.

What I am generally hearing (correct me if I'm wrong) is that once there has been a betrayal the relationship is forever altered and that I should expect that my H will have moments of frustration and pain when things come up that remind him. (Even 24.3 years later! @blueinbr. ) Honestly I am prepared for that. I am an external processor and I need to practically beat a thing to death before I'm over it...and even then I've gotta talk about to some more.

I am also seeing that I can have more of an active role In helping my hubby increase his confidence. This makes me happy because I have mostly just been trying to be a sympathetic ear and comforting him when things come up. Or even asking him if things are coming up. (He is a completely internal processor who doesn't always share his feelings even after he's got it figured out.)

I've heard some other interesting perspectives and questions that have gotten me thinking all day and I will respond to those posters individually in order to help me process my thoughts in an orderly way. 

Again, THANK YOU!


----------



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

Satya said:


> Sounds like you're both relying on words and outside validation to repair damage to your relationship when it must be healed on the inside, by only you two. People on the outside have no notion of the reality you live in, unless you tell them, so they compliment a false reality and this is probably grating for your husband to hear.


 @Satya this is an interesting thought. I know I have always struggled with relying on outside validation for my personal affirmation. This season of my life has brought me face to face with it and it's dysfunction. I am becoming more reliant on who I am as a person and my unique qualities as just simply being the only me. It's refreshing and freeing.

My H on the other hand has been struggling a lot with his confidence (understandably so.) He used to have what he called the 'I don't give a sh!t' attitude. 
I always thought it was false bravado. But now he is very effected by what others say about him or do around him.
This constantly surprises me. But I have to remember the ways this hardship for our marriage has effected him. 

Again, remembering that I can't just give him back his confidence but I CAN have an effect on it by reassuring him and affirming him. In public and in private.


----------



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

manfromlamancha said:


> Then you mention you had an EA with a mutual friend (but not before you mentioned that he had anger issues or something else, almost to kind of justify the EA). Now he realises that more than half of these men would have a fling with you given half the chance and you gave one of them the chance.
> 
> 
> 
> Now along comes another "friend" who clearly has a crush on you and even starts defending you and what do you expect your hubby to do ?


 @manfromlamancha THIS is exactly the reason I needed to come on here and hear others opinions. I don't have the same perspective as others do. I live in my mind and I know how I feel and how much I hate that I hurt my H and how I never ever in a million years want to see 'that' look of betrayal on his face.
So I don't automatically see these things like you so articulately described. 

I dont know why but I just didn't see this at all. That ANY guy in my H's mind is s potential interest for me. And that if I gave one a chance, why not another? 

How awful. My poor husband. I'm not even sure what to do with this information.

But I know it's good for me to see. Thank you for pointing it out.

I forgot to mention: I will write our story out a bit more fully. I just didn't want to assume that anyone wanted to read such a long tale.
I don't justify the EA by my H's anger issues. I take ownership of my actions and my lack of being aware of my own needs. But I mentioned it because it IS pertinent. His anger did cause me to emotionally withdraw and retreat and that was how I was able to connect with someone else. I am ashamed of that part of the story but I had to understand how I got there in order to get out and reconnect with my H.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

You didn't say how your EA ended ? Were you discovered ?


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Tigerlily,

I wanted to respond more but did not have the time. The story I posted to you about the lawyer was only one of the worst.

Through the years my W has received compliments. Directly in front of me, indirectly in comments made to me, and indirectly in comments made to me and when the person making them did not think my W was with me which was a curious kind of third catagory. The complements my W got when I am not there are sometimes told to me, I would guess sometimes not. There were also the slights given to me of how I was lucky to have her, I should have been married to someone uglier, etc.

When my W had her first affair it was the utimate validation of what many had said to me. Not only had many others seen that I did not deserve her, but deep down she knew it too. I suspect this to a greater or lesser degreee is one of the things your H felt. So there I was left with no one to talk to 

It was somewhat like that scene in the 1950s movie "invasion of the body snatchers" where in the end not only has everyone in his community become an alien but he realizes while kissing that his girlfriend has become one too.

There was a feeling of being trapped as well, as if my W was the best I would ever have and her infidelity was just a cost to bear. At times I would think I was just lucky she did not cheat more.

Being a man I thought that it should not bother me and I would get over it and I would just tough it out, but the feelings never left me and never really diminished, which I only understood many years later.

Tamat


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Tigerlily,

Not sure if you are sill reading but...

One other thing which I suspect might be similar to your story, is that my W is a pleaser and will do for others at my expense even to the point of turning on me at times. A small example being when I drove her and her friend to a supermarket and they just walked in without waiting for me. I could never imagine doing that to her. 

About your EA did you compensate your H by....

* provide your BH with full details.

* offering to take a polygraph , you say he trusts you 70%, this would help push it higher.

* write out a timeline of what took place and where.

* cut off all contact with the OM even indirect through friends of friends

* expose the OM to his wife and family

* offer your H a postnup

How close doe the OM live to you, if he is nearby it can be a source of constant triggers for your BH.

Tamat


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

TAMAT said:


> How close doe the OM live to you, if he is nearby it can be a source of constant triggers for your BH.


That would REALLY suck to have a case of an affair partner living nearby.

I'd never accept a cheater but if I did, that would have to change. 

TAMAT, you post shows exactly why R is so hard. The cheater has to be extremely mindful of their spouse or it will keep ripping off scabs over and over.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I'm a bit late to this convo I see, but just thought I'd add my POV anyway. I was reading a comment on failbook from one man to another who were friends. The guys said to his friend in regards to his friend's wife, "you are so lucky". His friend replied that it wasn't luck that kept them together. Surprise surprise I had to add my two cents and said that telling one person that they are lucky to have the other is not necessarily a compliment. It can be, and I'm sure has been, used as a way to say, "it must be luck that you're with that person because it surely couldn't be based on merit". Of course, nobody is allowed to have an opinion on FB that doesn't spew sunshine and rainbows, so this wasn't taken well. Lucky for them I'm around... (queue lame joke sound effect)

Relationships don't form or last because of luck imo. It's based on two compatible people opening up to each other in order to form a relationship.


----------



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

In today's world, women have gotten accustomed to getting all the praise for even the most insignificant things that they do. They are glorified for being moms all the time. No one cares about men. There is no extra credit for being a good dad. I face this myself every day.

So I think when someone says that, you can turn and say "Actually I am the lucky one to have gotten this man!". That will send his self worth through the roof. I know it would for me if my wife did that, but all she does is praise herself and tell how lucky I am to have her. I tell her that myself, but she never tells that to me and I hate praising myself. Even if I fish for a compliment (deserved), she turns it back into praising herself. Are you this way too?
Appreciate what you have before it is too late.


----------



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

TAMAT said:


> There was a feeling of being trapped as well, as if my W was the best I would ever have and her infidelity was just a cost to bear. At times I would think I was just lucky she did not cheat more.
> 
> Being a man I thought that it should not bother me and I would get over it and I would just tough it out, but the feelings never left me and never really diminished, which I only understood many years later.



I felt such sadness in this @TAMAT and I am very sorry for what you have gone through. 

I really appreciate you taking the time to respond and it means a lot to hear all of these perspectives. 

I'm not ignoring the requests for more info. I have my story written out and I want to share but I feel hesitant to do so because it brings up so much that H and I have worked hard to put behind us. I also feel unsure about posting so many details without him knowing. He knows about the forum and that I read, but Im afraid he might feel betrayed if I share start going over all the details again, like I'm revisiting it. What are other people's thoughts on this?

I did have a talk with him last night about the "lucky" comments.
I told him I was worried he wasn't proud to have me anymore, I reminded him how he used to just shrug it off and say something like, 'it's not luck it's skills' which was cute.

In the course of our convo, he took some time to really think about it. He realized consciously for the first time that there had been a shift since the EA in his feelings about the lucky comments.
He said it has always bothered him though because luck implies that he didn't do anything to get me but just 'got lucky'.
It implies to him that others think he isn't attractive...he said, "I'm good looking too!"
 
I said to him, "Bottom line is, I am the lucky one. And I know now more than ever, how lucky I am because you took me back after I hurt you so badly. I just want to know what I can do if anything to help you regain your confidence."
He didn't really have any ideas. But at another point I did ask him if he was fearful of me having feelings for someone else again. 
He answered quickly and without hesitation, "No."
Then I said, so this isn't really about me then?he said, No, it's that he's feeling insecure about himself. Like he's got nothing to go on. His confidence was shaken and he hasn't found balance yet and isn't sure how to regain it.
I just wonder how confidence works? How can it be rebuilt? His confidence before was still based on his teenage persona in many ways.
Someone said earlier something about me being popular and having my pick of the boys in highschool...but H was even more popular. 
And he DID take his pick of the girls in HS.  He was very confident and smooth with the ladies and dated many of them. 
But he married me!
When we first kissed many years ago he was smitten and never looked back. It's crazy, really...it musta been some kinda kiss.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Great job communicating. I don't really have any questions for you. I am glad you thought about what I posted and didn't get angry with me. It was meant to help you think, not hurt you.

Here is something I found on building self-confidence. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/201006/10-ways-boost-your-self-confidence

Edit: In case you didn't see it, here is another article that explains the difference between self-esteem and self confidence. I think it's an important difference here.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201510/self-confidence-versus-self-esteem

Edit: And another on building self-esteem and self-confidence. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201205/building-confidence-and-self-esteem

I'm sure there are therapies that can help. I don't think it would be ridiculous for him to admit he needs a little help with his self-esteem/confidence and go get some therapy. I personally don't think anyone can give those things to others. They have to come from within and your own perspective about yourself.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Tigerlily,

Oh and thank you for sharing, sometimes cheating wives get beat up on here and it is unfortunate, because your perspective is likely to be similar to my Ws when she cheated on me. 

Tamat


----------



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

2ntnuf said:


> One of your posts made me wonder if you really do believe that you are lucky to have him. I mean, you state in your op that you were one of the most popular girls in school and had all kinds of boys to choose from, but saved yourself for the right one.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Actually it was very interesting to hear your thoughts. A lot of what you surmised were questions I WAS asking myself 3 years ago...
but I've arrived at the answers and have whole-heartedly chosen to rededicate my heart and life to my husband. 

Now I just want to keep moving forward and keep learning together as a couple. 

But things pertaining to the EA continue to come up now and again...as is to be expected.

*Thank you very much for the articles on self esteem and confidence. I look forward to reading those.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

""I told him I was worried he wasn't proud to have me anymore"" 

""But at another point I did ask him if he was fearful of me having feelings for someone else again. 
He answered quickly and without hesitation, "No."

It's great you had this conversation with your husband, but I think your phrasing was a little different than it should have been, and here's why.

Your husband has dedicated his energies toward building a good life, he sounds like a good man so my guess is his focus has been in making you happy. He is a typical man and he wants to provide and protect those he loves, even at the cost of personal sacrifice.

The quotes above force him into defensive mode defending you, his natural reaction is to not hurt his wife, that action is ingrained in his personality. He is going to find it difficult to shout from the roof tops how badly you hurt and upset him because causing you that kind of pain or seeing you in pain isn't in him. 

What you should have said needed to be much more self depreciating..."I know I hurt you, I know I screwed up, I know you have no reason to feel proud of me, this is on me and I am sorry, you have been a wonderful husband. I can't truly explain why I drifted away for a time but will promise you I will not ever put us thru that again, I know you have lost confidence in me and I am going to work hard at earning your trust back."

Or something like that......that's just my opinion.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

tigerlily99 said:


> I just wonder how confidence works? How can it be rebuilt? His confidence before was still based on his teenage persona in many ways.
> Someone said earlier something about me being popular and having my pick of the boys in highschool...*but H was even more popular.
> And he DID take his pick of the girls in HS.  He was very confident and smooth with the ladies and dated many of them.*
> But he married me!
> When we first kissed many years ago he was smitten and never looked back. It's crazy, really...it musta been some kinda kiss.


 Sounds like you were both what everyone WANTED/ dreamed of back then... like the head cheerleader & captain of the football team... I don't think one can rest in external validation for their true confidence...it has to come from something within, deeper.. a trusted foundation in the relationship of a couple, even if they didn't get any outside comments...

Being married.. we should always strive to build each other UP.. be each others comforters, the others #1 fan...

A good thread for this >> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/39565-validating-your-spouse.html

Our story is very different.. and how we see those comments too.. 

Myself & husband was complete nobodys in high school...... he was introverted, quiet, wore glasses which wasn't helping his looks, not into sports..... dumped twice in his early teens...I was a good girl, also on the shy side, with some chips on my shoulder in regards to popular boys .. if they slept around, to me they were untrustworthy & used women.....I guess me & hubs was a suburb match.. 

He felt I was beautiful, enough he was surprised I gave him the time of day (I always found that amusing, he expected me to reject him)... he had Goodness/ authenticity (something that meant a hell of a lot to me -given how many guys were).... Looks vs Goodness, these can be weighed on different scales I suppose, depending on our gender... but always it takes so much more to carry a relationship... 

Your husband obviously had the







ness factor to sleep with popular girls.. homely guys don't get these opportunities.... he had to have some charm too.. sounds he was trying to hold on to the memories -He WAS "all that" at one time with the ladies....this propping up his confidence...

Then High school was over... the lucky comments kept coming from Guy friends..the scales much tipped in your favor.. it makes sense it wasn't that big of a deal until - his pride & joy (being you) almost stepped out WITH A FRIEND -taking it all the way....

So every time a man would utter those words..it was a reminder, probably blaring ...how they'd jump for you...and the pain rushes back in, that HE wasn't enough, to hold your charms.. 

I wonder if you had many Girlfriends saying to YOU.. how lucky you were to have him ... was the scales somewhat even... was he was aware of their comments...some joking in front of you both sort of thing? 

In our marriage.. I feel the comments evened out... True.. they were more in line with "how good he treats me".. I am blessed to have a husband/ Father like him.. he's one in a million.. one GF would say she wanted to clone him...in front of him too.. It made him feel good.. (and I loved it !) He knew if something happened to me, he'd have to beat them off.. then he'd tell me ..."you can't die!"..

We'd have fun with it.. 

Asking my husband this. he, too, felt the same. The comments were like a compliment TO HIM (his words) ... it's just another perspective.. I think one can take these in stride (and feel proud to have the other on our arms) so long as our foundation is strong & firm... 

If one of us stepped out on the other.. it would completely taint these things though.. this makes sense.. it would TRIGGER greatly....this is the fall out.. 

Interesting thread though ! It's unique... to look at how such comments can hurt even.. something we've never really thought about before.


----------

