# Should your kids witness your spouse's BF & kids so soon?



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

**As many of you know, my STBXW has been living in another state and yesterday skyped with my kids. This time she said ,"guess who is sitting next to me?". It turns out it's her BFs kids who are about the same age as ours 5,10. My kids had met these kids when they had a sleep over at the STBXW BF's house when they visited during X-mas. My kids just think they're all friends of mommy. But a sleepover?
Anyways, I was pissed. Didn't say anything to STBXW but I was just mad. My kids may be young and naive, but I thought what the hell kinda message do you send our kids who's mother chose to live thousands if miles away and is hanging out with someone else's kid. I just don't know what to do when my oldest begins to put this BS together. Did mommy just replace me with another kid? Does mommy like those kids better than us? WTF?!?
I wouldn't be so mad if this had not happened so soon in the seperation and now divorce process. We just started the divorce process. Just ranting. Sorry.: 
After posting this in the wrong forum on accident, I Spoke with my children's therapist and she felt it was best to discuss my concerns with STBXW, but to be careful about mentioning it to kids since they seem oblivious to it... for now. Thing is, my STBXW interprets just about anything I say now as manipulative or criticizing. Sigh.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

What a piece of work she is.....be glad you are ridding yourself of such a parasite.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I don't remember you mentioning that the OM is there. I thought it was an EA? So I was right after all, she does have an OM over there in Wisconsin. All the signs were there. 

She's either rubbing it in your face, or she's one of the delusional ones who think you can be friends after the divorce and that you should be happy for her.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You may be able to get a judge to agree that, during the divorce, your kids should not be exposed to the OM, or his kids.

However, your wife will see that as sour grapes and think that you should be happy for her in her new, perfect life.


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## asylumspadez (Jan 17, 2012)

I have experianced a similar thing as a child and it hurts more then you know. My mom left my dad and I visited her once at her bf's place. His children were there and she was more of a mother to his kids then to myself and my siblings. Sorry dont mean to jack your thread, Just trying to relate to the situation.

Anyways, I would definently talk to your ex about it because it does hurt a lot. Also your oldest child already sees whats going on and I wouldnt be suprised to see your child (and possible your other one) resent their mom later on in life.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> I Spoke with my children's therapist and she felt it was best to discuss my concerns with STBXW, but to be careful about mentioning it to kids since they seem oblivious to it... for now.


Your therapist thinks its better to lie to your kids and let them figure it out? Therapist does not think that children are owed a truthful explanation of something that dramatically affects them? The therapist does not think that children should learn about values, right and wrong, and accountabilities in life? I 'm not a professional, but that does not make any sense whatsover to me.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Your therapist thinks its better to lie to your kids and let them figure it out? Therapist does not think that children are owed a truthful explanation of something that dramatically affects them? The therapist does not think that children should learn about values, right and wrong, and accountabilities in life? I 'm not a professional, but that does not make any sense whatsover to me.


There is a difference between not mentioning it to the kids and lying. If the kids ask, then answer them truthfully in an age appropriate manner. But that does not mean you necessarily need to tell the kids what their mom is doing the minute the skype turns off.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> She's either rubbing it in your face, or she's one of the delusional ones who think you can be friends after the divorce and that you should be happy for her.


It is delusional and a whole world of pain is there for her,your kids, her Bf and her BF's kids. Even in an ideal relationship where there are no lies, no hurt blending a family is an incredibly hard thing to do. 

You need to tell your kids what is going on. You are lying to them by omission and they will have no parent that s treating them with the respect and honesty they deserve. Who do they go to for the truth? 
Your older one will find out on his/her own very soon and then have to keep a secret from your younger child. 

Your wife left you but she also left them and they need to see this. I am so sorry this is an awful, awful situation.
It is no longer about your stbxw . She will be VERY pissed but that is because it kills her fantasy that she can just replace you and then you can come over for dinner with your new GF in a few weeks. 
Your therapist failed logic at school.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> I don't remember you mentioning that the OM is there. I thought it was an EA? So I was right after all, she does have an OM over there in Wisconsin. All the signs were there.
> 
> She's either rubbing it in your face, or she's one of the delusional ones who think you can be friends after the divorce and that you should be happy for her.


It's not the original OM. It's another guy who is also divorced. And she is delusional about the friends part.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

asylumspadez said:


> I have experianced a similar thing as a child and it hurts more then you know. My mom left my dad and I visited her once at her bf's place. His children were there and she was more of a mother to his kids then to myself and my siblings. Sorry dont mean to jack your thread, Just trying to relate to the situation.
> 
> Anyways, I would definently talk to your ex about it because it does hurt a lot. Also your oldest child already sees whats going on and I wouldnt be suprised to see your child (and possible your other one) resent their mom later on in life.


You're not jacking my thread. No worries. And thank you for sharing a difficult part of your life. And it doesn't suprise me you were effected. I don't want my kids to go through what you had to go through. I just hope I know what to do when she starts asking questions or starts acting out.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I need to be careful with how I handle this with my kids. I feel they should know the truth, but I agree with keeping it age appropriate. I think the less confused they are, the better.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> It's not the original OM. It's another guy who is also divorced. And she is delusional about the friends part.


wow.. Just wow. ANOTHER guy. In which case I take it back. "It is moms hew friend." Nothing you can do about it. 

Tell you what though.. I'm glad its her new life and not mine. She has sent herself to hell.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

My ex husband was taking our daughter on dates with him and the skankasaurus and her kids while we were still married. Asshat wanted our child to "get to know" Skanky and as he "transistioned" her into becoming part of his "new family" our innocent, baby girl would already be used to her and like her.

Gaaahh, that memory makes me wanna vomit...excuse me while I do.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> My ex husband was taking our daughter on dates with him and the skankasaurus and her kids while we were still married. Asshat wanted our child to "get to know" Skanky and as he "transistioned" her into becoming part of his "new family" our innocent, baby girl would already be used to her and like her.
> 
> Gaaahh, that memory makes me wanna vomit...excuse me while I do.


So what happened? Is your ex and the skank still together. Or did Karma get involved?


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Ok, I was going to be quiet because I have so little in common with this situation, except I have 4 children (2 - 7). First, a 5 year old is not old enough to comprehend this, and a 10 yr old may be at the worst age because she does understand (ex-mommy does not love her). Love of a child is unconditional - they come first, above oneself. A spouse can leave, move out, see other people, live/start a new family as long as he/she does not leave his/her old family. Leaving children thousands of miles away to go find yourself is unexplainable and unconscionable (sp?). Your STBXW abandoned your children. There was no real reason she moved so far away (e.g., a job), just that is where she wanted to be. A real parent would never move that far away unless there was an absolute necessity and even then only if it were temporary and in the best interest of the family (it would improve the long term financial picture) - never, ever, ever voluntarily. She loves herself more than them, plain and simple. That she likely spends more time with her bf's children then her own is otherworldly wrong. That she introduces her abandoned family to her new adopted family (maybe a temporary rent-a-family until she bleeds them too) is not bad or awkward, it is horiffic. As a person who is as wimpy as they come when it comes to confrontations with my W (although, my issues pale in comparison), I could not imagine not standing up for my children. You need to tell your STBXW that whatever is going on between the two of you is what it is, but the children she left do not need to see her having a great time in their absence with other children. In no circumstance should her bf's kids be seen or mentioned. Also, you should talk to your lawyer about custody issues. They should not be going there and seeing her happy without them (Picture it "5 yo son, this is timmy, he likes cowboys like you - you still like cowboys, right? I went with timmy to his soccer game yesterday and he scored a goal."). And spending half their summer there, away from their friends and home? Are you crazy? If she wanted to be with them she would not have left. I am sure she says "I missed you so much" to them. BS. She means she misses them not as much as she'd miss getting boned by new bf. She just doesn't want to make it seem like she is so terrible, that is why she is putting up the fight to see the kids. She is self-absorbed and expects to get what she wants. This is where the line should be drawn.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I would send your wife an email and tell her you all weren't impressed with her "new" family. If she wants to skype she will be the only one skypeing or there will be no more skypeing. Don't respond to any answers/ complaints. 

She must be angling for b!tch mom of the year award.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your kids know what is happening, they may not let on---but they know.

A very good friend of mine is the attending Ped., at 2 So. Calif. hospitals, and she says kids as young as 2 yrs. old know when things arn't right

Keep a very detailed journal of all these things that are going on, so you can get them before the court, at your D. mediations/hearings. Your wife is openly stressing your kids, by being with other children, therefore in their minds, she is replacing them.------

Also she seems to be bent on getting herself another man, so if you ever had any doubts, about her objectives, things are pretty clear to you now.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

What she did is not right.....its is going to scar your kids.....have you talked to your lawyer, should be possible to restrain her in thease types of actions until your divorce is final and maybe after.......she is not well!


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## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

Wow, not many women would leave their children. How sad
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

ashamed74 said:


> Wow, not many women would leave their children. How sad
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is an indication of how delusional she is. I would suggest the new "divorced guy" is offering support to her since she is so alone now.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

calif_hope said:


> What she did is not right.....its is going to scar your kids.....have you talked to your lawyer, should be possible to restrain her in thease types of actions until your divorce is final and maybe after.......she is not well!


:iagree:

Its so difficult to imagine that she would do a thing like this to her own children. She abandons her own children to be a mom for her OMs children. WTF!!!


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Wow after I found out about wife's affiar I told all the kids. I think this alone show her what damage it was doing for her selfishness and snapped her out of the FOG. My kids were 10,14,16. All of them flat out said that none of them would have anything to do with her or OM if we devorced.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

ing said:


> It is an indication of how delusional she is. I would suggest the new "divorced guy" is offering support to her since she is so alone now.


I think your suggestion is spot on.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Since most of the initial contact and establishing interest in each other was happening during our marriage, my exwife and her new man moved on relatively quickly. Even before I moved out of the marital home after divorce, she was dating him. That was hard to see your wife get ready for her date. 
Since the divorce, every week I have my daughter (10) with me, my exwife is across the street from my new house, at her boyfriends house. He moved down here from up north, and is staying with his friend, who lives across the street from me. How does this sh!t happen?

My girl seems to be just going with the flow for now. the ex has already shown her pictures of the guy, and talked about him. My daughter told me she hopes I can find someone perfect for me, becuase mommy sure did. (ugh)..

I think bottom line its a sh!tty thing period. But theres nothing you can do about it. Every step these people make are in essence a means to validate and justify their decisions to ruin the family, as well as escape the guilt and be able to look at themselves in the mirror. The quicker the better it appears is the key.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> It's not the original OM. It's another guy who is also divorced. And she is delusional about the friends part.


Now you know who she was so eager to run to last summer when she left.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Yesterday, STBXW called and wants to discuss child custody again. She wants to know if I'm willing to make compromises with what I had offered in regards to custody. My offer was this:
1. We have joint custody, but I have primary (physical)custody of the kids.
2. They live with me during the school year.
3. They visit her during the holidays on odd or even years.
4. X-mas we flip first 1/2 and 2nd 1/2 of the school holidays every year.
5. The kids visit her on Mother's Day.
6. The kids visit and stay with her 4 weeks out of the summer.

She doesn't agree with my suggestions at all. First, she said that it's unlawful in Texas for the kids to visit for only 4 weeks. It's 6 weeks. She's right as far as I know. But I am going to talk to my lawyer today, because 42 days is a huge chunk of the summer vacation. And I work for the school district, so I have that time off unlike my STBXW. It's not right that they visit almost all of the summer. But maybe I'm screwed? I need to find out more about this. But if anyone here knows about Texas laws and the spouse living more than 100 miles away, I'm all ears. I don't mind the kids visiting mom during the summer, but I would like for them to come back home in the middle of their 6 week trip. That's just a loooong time for them to be away. 
But I feel like I've already compromised with my offer. She is the one who made the choice to leave. She decided to pursue a new job, relationship, and life out of state. So why should I accomodate her decision. I wonder if a judge would rule more in my favor(more time with kids in summer for example) because she left out of state BEFORE the divorce instead of after. She didn't leave because a job was calling. She quit here just before she left in June to discover herself. She's totally wrapped up in herself and is being very selfish.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Yes, the standard possession order is different for parents living 100 miles apart.
FAMILY CODE  CHAPTER 153. CONSERVATORSHIP, POSSESSION, AND ACCESS

(Section 153.313)


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## OOE (Mar 17, 2011)

I'm 4 years down the road from you. Here's what I've learned:

You have zero control over what goes on between your kids and their mother. Zero. Your kids' relationships with their mother has been permanently affected by her choices. If she continues making poor choices, their relationship will be further affected.

All you can do is be the best dad you can be.

When you start dating, don't introduce your GF to your kids until it's serious. Sure, tell them you're going on a date, but don't try to pull your kids into your relationship unless there's a real probability that it will last.

Teach them values and morals through your actions. There's no telling what kind of lessons they might be getting when they're with her. For example, never, never, never have a GF sleep over when the kids are around. I know that could be tough as the primary parent, but I promise that even if the kids don't "get it" today, they'll remember it when they're older.

Finally, no matter how frustrated you might get with her, don't ever talk about her with your kids. It doesn't do anything but make them resent you for pulling them into your issues.


P.S. The time when your kids are away never gets easy, but it does get easier.


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## OOE (Mar 17, 2011)

One other thing that has helped me frame things better:

Stop using her name when talking about her. Refer to her as "the kids' mother."

My X is "the boy's mother." It's surprising how much this helps.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

OOE said:


> I'm 4 years down the road from you. Here's what I've learned:
> 
> You have zero control over what goes on between your kids and their mother. Zero. Your kids' relationships with their mother has been permanently affected by her choices. If she continues making poor choices, their relationship will be further affected.
> 
> ...


It's no suprise why I visit this message board. It's a support group online. I appreciate you sharing your experiences with me. And deep down, what you're saying is what I feared but know is reality. 
I never bad mouth my STBXW in front of the kids. Never. But being the best dad is all I can control.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Stop engaging in negotiation with her HD! She has got your number - she manipulates you and wears you down. 

Every encounter you have with her - you give up a little and she takes it. She just holds out until she gets everything she wants.

Realize that she is way better at you at playing this game. The solution is to remove YOU from the negotiation and have your lawyer take her on. Yes it will cost you some $, but if you continue down the current path your STBXW will have full custody and you'lll be paying for her lovers mortgage.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

The 6 weeks I think don't have to be in a row or during the summer. Normally its half the summer. The other two weeks can be spring break, X-Mas, T-Giving etc.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I just spoke with my lawyer and he said I should get 2 weeks with the kids in the middle of the 6 weeks. So 3 weeks gone, 2 weeks back, 3 weeks gone. Don't know how my wife is going to figure out arrangements during the day while she's at work at doesn't get home till after 6, but that's something she'll have to solve. Her choice to quit working in education and get a job that doesn't cater to the kids.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

OOE said:


> I'm 4 years down the road from you. Here's what I've learned:
> 
> You have zero control over what goes on between your kids and their mother. Zero. Your kids' relationships with their mother has been permanently affected by her choices. If she continues making poor choices, their relationship will be further affected.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

Houstondad said:


> **As many of you know, my STBXW has been living in another state and yesterday skyped with my kids. This time she said ,"guess who is sitting next to me?". It turns out it's her BFs kids who are about the same age as ours 5,10. My kids had met these kids when they had a sleep over at the STBXW BF's house when they visited during X-mas. My kids just think they're all friends of mommy. But a sleepover?
> Anyways, I was pissed. Didn't say anything to STBXW but I was just mad. My kids may be young and naive, but I thought what the hell kinda message do you send our kids who's mother chose to live thousands if miles away and is hanging out with someone else's kid. I just don't know what to do when my oldest begins to put this BS together. Did mommy just replace me with another kid? Does mommy like those kids better than us? WTF?!?
> I wouldn't be so mad if this had not happened so soon in the seperation and now divorce process. We just started the divorce process. Just ranting. Sorry.:
> After posting this in the wrong forum on accident, I Spoke with my children's therapist and she felt it was best to discuss my concerns with STBXW, but to be careful about mentioning it to kids since they seem oblivious to it... for now. Thing is, my STBXW interprets just about anything I say now as manipulative or criticizing. Sigh.



heres the best advice i can give . since it is a reality that she is their mother and she has moved etc.etc. . your best bet is to keep your anger to yourself and do not make things wierd or unusual or harder for your kids than they are . if you treat it is a matter of fact the kids will do the same . they do not understand what adults do . NOW . they will however understand more as they grow up and will eventually understand what their mother has done . 

although it is not desireable or fair to the kids that heir mother moved so far away and is with someone with kids . it is not necessarily wrong either . i do not know the circumstances surrounding the situation and can not say . 

control what you can control . that is how you handle things for your kids . like i said kids do not see or understand things the way adults do . if you do not make it out to be anything other than how it is they will not either . then when they do understand be honest with them and everything will work out better for you and your kids.


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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

Hicks said:


> Your therapist thinks its better to lie to your kids and let them figure it out? Therapist does not think that children are owed a truthful explanation of something that dramatically affects them? The therapist does not think that children should learn about values, right and wrong, and accountabilities in life? I 'm not a professional, but that does not make any sense whatsover to me.


kids should definitely learn about values , right and wrong , and accountabilities in life . they should not however learn that it is ok for one parent to put down the other , talk bad about the other , that a parent should tell them how bad their situation is when they are just kids . 

me and mommy could not live together thats why she doesnt live with us . mommy had to move far away for work . thats why she lives way over there . that is much better for your kids than your mom moved away and didnt want you and she replaced you with other kids . they will learn that soon enough . and she will be the one hurting them . why would you choose to hurt them too ?

that does not make any sense what so ever !!!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Houstondad said:


> **As many of you know, my STBXW has been living in another state and yesterday skyped with my kids. This time she said ,"guess who is sitting next to me?". It turns out it's her BFs kids who are about the same age as ours 5,10. My kids had met these kids when they had a sleep over at the STBXW BF's house when they visited during X-mas. My kids just think they're all friends of mommy. But a sleepover?
> Anyways, I was pissed. Didn't say anything to STBXW but I was just mad. My kids may be young and naive, but I thought what the hell kinda message do you send our kids who's mother chose to live thousands if miles away and is hanging out with someone else's kid. I just don't know what to do when my oldest begins to put this BS together. Did mommy just replace me with another kid? Does mommy like those kids better than us? WTF?!?
> I wouldn't be so mad if this had not happened so soon in the seperation and now divorce process. We just started the divorce process. Just ranting. Sorry.:
> After posting this in the wrong forum on accident, I Spoke with my children's therapist and she felt it was best to discuss my concerns with STBXW, but to be careful about mentioning it to kids since they seem oblivious to it... for now. Thing is, my STBXW interprets just about anything I say now as manipulative or criticizing. Sigh.


So it is true. WS DO cheat on their children!



> This time she said ,"guess who is sitting next to me?"





> Your replacements, kids! BTW, your father sucks and you suck!


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