# Coming out to my girlfriend



## Jamie073 (Jan 3, 2013)

My GF and I have been together for 4 years, and have been living together for 3 years.

Recently I have finally come to terms with me being bisexual. I did have sex with another man several years ago, long before I met my GF, but have never told her. At the time I convinced myself it was only a curiosity phase that was now behind me, but lately those feelings about being with another man have been becoming strong again.

I truly love my GF, have _never_ cheated on her, and I still enjoy our sex life together, but I am torn about how to tell her about my bisexuality. She tends to be very insecure about herself, and also believes that gay and bi are "lifestyle choices," and not something inborn. I'm afraid if I tell her she will blame herself for "pushing me to the other side," or she will blame my friends for "corrupting" me (some of my friends happen to be gay).

We have never married, but every once in a while the subject does come up. Part of me does want to marry her, but on the other hand I don't feel we will ever have a truly happy marriage while these feelings continue to haunt me.


----------



## ARF (Jan 26, 2011)

I totally support honesty in a relationship, but what would be the purpose in disclosing this detail? Is it a guilty conscience? Do you want the relationship to end and think this could be it? Do you want her to support your bisexuality by allowing you to indulge in it?

If she has insecurities, would this push her over the edge? I think you would need to sort out your long-term feelings towad your current GF. I assume she views marriage in the traditional monogomous sense? If that is the case, you need to be prepared to either commit fully towards her, or break it off to see what you really want out of your relationships.


----------



## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

Jamie073 said:


> Recently I have finally come to terms with me being bisexual.


Don't tell her this. Humans are total ****s, and they are waiting for any reason to hate you. It could be an attraction to men, it could be an attraction to the "wrong" type of woman (women of another race, women taller than you, midgets, women missing a leg, whatever). Some people will hate you just because you're 1/4 Cherokee Indian or because you drive a Japanese car. Consider everyone to be on a need-to-know basis.



> I did have sex with another man several years ago


Yeah, and I had sex with a woman who was twice my age, but I'm not in a rush to tell anyone about it. Keep your mouth shut and everything will be cool.



> At the time I convinced myself it was only a curiosity phase that was now behind me, but lately those feelings about being with another man have been becoming strong again.


How she will hear this: "You're not good enough and that's why I'm thinking about sex with someone else."
Adding in the fact that you're thinking about a man:
"I'm actually gay" (lots of retards think bisexuality does not exist)




> I truly love my GF, have _never_ cheated on her, and I still enjoy our sex life together, but I am torn about how to tell her about my bisexuality


Lump your own "weird" sexual desires with all of the other "weird" sexual desires some people have. Let's say I had a desire to sleep with fat women. Should I tell my partner this? Hell no.



> She tends to be very insecure about herself, and also believes that gay and bi are "lifestyle choices," and not something inborn.


Translation: she's a hardcore judgemental ******* just like every other human. You admitting to having gay thoughts will not change her mind on this issue. The best service you can do for the gay and bi community is to continue being "straight" but accepting of gay people. I'm totally cool with gay people, and that only happened after my peers were accepting of gay people. Right now you are one of her peers, so your acceptance of the gay and bi community could potentially change her view on things. THEN you can come out of the closet.


I've had pretty much the same struggle with drugs. I talk about drugs and psychology all the time until people know lots about them. Then I say which prescription drugs I'm on, and they know enough about them to not be scared. I do this because there's tons of negative media attention about antidepressants and SSRI drugs in particular. If I just say I'm on Prozac before I have a chance to educate people, they'll assume I'm a step away from a mass shooting since something like the last 17 school shootings in the US involved people on SSRI drugs.


----------



## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

I applaud your desire to be honest. First, though, you must consider what your acceptance of your bisexuality means in the long run.

Do you plan to indulge your same-sex urges or remain monogamous with your gf (this one or any others in the future)?

If you plan to indulge your same-sex urges, do you intend to do so only with your significant other's permission, or will you do it in secret (cheat)?

Are you prepared to accept whatever consequences may come from your decisions?

Myself, I don't care for the simple "heterosexual"/"bisexual"/"homosexual" labels and prefer the Kinsey scale. On the scale, I'd consider myself about a 1 (predominantly heterosexual and only incidentally homosexual) or a 1.5. While I, like you, have had same-sex experiences in the past, my primary interests are the opposite sex, and I've never had an interest in an actual romantic relationship with another man. I do still find the male form arousing at times, and it can be part of my fantasy arsenal during masturbation. It took me years before I told my wife...fear of alienating her, of disgusting her, etc. my thoughts were, "Actual experiences are in the past, I've no intent to go beyond fantasy in the future. I'm going to be faithful. I don't know all the gory details of her entire sexual history, and she doesn't know mine." It was only after we began enforcing strict honesty during our reconciliation from her affair that I told her. I didn't want to be a hypocrite and demand she be 100% open to me, while I kept this one, ultimately insignificant part of my history to myself. So, I told her. She wasn't wild about it, but took it well.

Be aware, I'm not advocating keeping this a secret from her...she deserves to know. Just letting you know to carefully weigh the entire scenario and consider what you will tell her and how before uttering a single word.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

How are you wanting to express your bisexuality in your life? Do you want sex with men? 
Even if you don't I would imagine not being able to tell someone you live about something so major would be painful, and honestly I don't know how a marriage could withstand that kind of secret. 
I don't know how you could stay with someone who is prejudiced against GLBT people if you are one. 
My advice is if you want to marry her, tell her. If she can't deal at least you will save both of you the heartache of a divorce later on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

Jamie073 said:


> We have never married, but every once in a while the subject does come up. Part of me does want to marry her, but on the other hand I don't feel we will ever have a truly happy marriage while these feelings continue to haunt me.


I'm sorry I completely disagree with not telling her the truth. It's selfish to both you and her. You need to be able to be your true self, and she has the right to decide if she wants to date and marry you being bisexual. 

I do agree with you that if you don't tell her you will both be unhappy as there will always be this big secret between you. If she cannot handle your sexuality, then she is not the one for you, but give her an honest chance to decide.

Any relationship based on deceit will not last.


----------



## d4life (Nov 28, 2012)

If you are having these feelings than please tell her. If I was dating someone that had those feelings I would want to know! You need to give her the option to stay and deal with it or to leave. Just be prepared for her to leave.

I know a man who married and had a child with a woman and later admitted to being gay. They divorced, but he has a great relationship with his daughter. The ex wife on the other hand hates him for what he did to her. I can understand that too. 

Please be honest with her if you feel like you would act on that again. It's just the right thing to do.


----------

