# Husband's ex & child



## graciedog

I'm not sure if I'm overreacting here, but my husband and I have been together for 8 years and married for nearly 5 years. His ex has primary custody and lives about an hour away. We have him most of the summer and then he's at his mother's during the school year. We have him every weekend during the school year. My problem is that it doesn't seem like she wants to spend time with him. I am getting ready to have my first child in December and can't imagine being apart for even a few hours from my child. At least that's how I am with my little dog, Gracie. When he is at our house for over a week I assume that he'll be spending the weekend with his mother only to find out she is going to a concert and won't be home. Or she has some party to go to, going out of town, etc being the reason she can't pick him up for the weekend. I have asked my husband to have her keep him for the weekend so that we can have some time alone and give us a chance to do things that we enjoy doing on the weekends (not always kid-friendly activities such as long dinners, movies). It almost seems like he's afraid to confront her and I have to "hound" him to get him to tell her that we do have plans. I feel as though our time and our relationship isn't important to my husband. I will admit that I am very particular and like schedules and get bent out of shape when schedules change. For example, when she changes plans at the last minute to not pick him up for the weekend leaving us hanging and canceling our plans. My husband doesn't like to go out on the weekend even though we can get a sitter (his son is 11 and can stay by himself for a few hours). I feel like he's always checking his phone and very pre-occupied when we do have an evening out to ourselves. 

I guess I'm just venting, but I'm getting really frustrated on how to deal with the issue with the ex. My husband always feels like I'm putting him in the middle when I say "can't she keep him this weekend? We've had him last weekend and all week. I'd think she'd want to see her own child." Yes, I'd like some alone time before OUR child arrives because then I will put him/her before having fun.

Please help before I explode with frustration


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## Deejo

You'll have to forgive me. It must be the heat, because I'm in a really harsh mood.

This is the terrain upon which you are deployed. You married a man with an ex-wife and child. 

You illustrated it perfectly. "I can't imagine being apart from my own child." Yet ... you begrudge your husband wanting to be fully available to his son when it affects you.

I'm not suggesting that you are a selfish, horrible, person. What I am recommending is that by your own admission, you like maintaining a routine and keeping things on schedule, and orderly.

The life you describe? You are a step-parent, and soon-to-be mother, is NEVER going to fit that routine.

Try to keep what is important in perspective. Your husband sounds like an involved, engaged, loving father. He will no doubt be that to your child as well ... in addition to wanting to continue being available to his son. 

Put another way ... you signed up for a bit of a mess. Learn to love the mess instead of lamenting that it is a mess.

I wish you the best with your newborn, and your step-son.


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## graciedog

Thank you for the post. I do agree with you. Maybe I'm not getting the sense from my husband that our unborn child is as important as his son from things he has said. Maybe, hopefully, that will change once the baby is born. I've been married before (didn't have children) and my ex would regularly put other people in his life before me. I would need to be gravely ill in order for him to put those other people aside to take care of me. I guess that is why I have some negative feelings because I've been in a situation where my ex put everyone else's needs before mine. Part of the reason we're now divorced.


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## turnera

Practice communicating. You need lots of it.


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## Mom6547

I think a perspective shift could be very helpful. You are setting up a competition between "hers" and "mine." This is not a healthy idea, in my opinion. And there is no way that a husband will be able to satisfy that kind of competition. It will make both of you insane.

When you married a man with a child, you married the child. So if you can shift your perspective to also view that child as yours, then the competition can go away. I am in my first and only marriage. We have 2 children. We don't/can't separate our time with this one or that one. We are a FAMILY. One big happy mess. Of course DH and I need private time away from the children. And I can see how it would be a problem worth working on if your DH does not feel like doing that. But if you can foster a one big family attitude instead of a mine vs hers competitive attitude, I suspect many of your frustrations will go away.

Best of luck.


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## greeneyeddolphin

Speaking as a mother, I think you need to rethink how you're looking at this. You admit that you can't imagine being apart from your own child. Why would you think a father would feel any differently? He loves his son and wants to spend time with him. I imagine he feels a certain amount of guilt over the fact that his son comes from a split home (regardless of whose fault the divorce was, both parents usually feel responsible, even if they aren't to blame), which is going to lead him to want to spend time with his son, to try to make up for that. 

Also, as a parent, your child comes first. I'm sure you've realized this, being that you're about to have one yourself. I love my boyfriend very much, and would do anything for him, but he also knows and understands that if forced, my children will always come before him. They need me, to guide them and teach them, as well as to provide the roof over their heads and the food they eat. I'm sure he will put your child together first, along with his son, but you have to realize that the children are always the most important, at least until they're pretty much grown and more capable of taking care of themselves. 11 is not grown; he might be able to spend a few hours on his own in your opinion, but his parents know him best, and know if he is mature enough and responsible enough to be left alone (I know some 17 yr olds that I don't think I'd trust home alone, they're that immature). I know you feel that as his wife, you should come first in his life, but you have to remember that as an adult, you can take care of yourself, a child cannot and therefore they have to come first. 

Now, I can understand your frustration with mom cancelling at the last minute and leaving you guys with his son and having to change your plans. First, though, I must say, having a child, you'll need to get over that whole schedule thing, because that just doesn't work with kids. You need to learn to be flexible. You can plan a schedule, but you have to be able to deal when things change, because they will often. But...with his son, you two can change that. He needs to sit down with his ex-wife and hammer out a visitation plan. If they want to change the plan, they can, all they need to do is go to court and get it in an order. They might even be able to do it through a lawyer. But, they need to come up with a plan and then stick to it. If it's Mom's weekend, he needs to call her and make sure she comes to get their son. If she has an excuse (car's not running, working late, etc.) he needs to arrange to take their son to her. He's got to push to make that change. Even so, there still needs to be some flexibility for emergencies or things that she just can't control, such as a medical issue (her dad in the hospital or she's very, very ill), or having to work all weekend, or whatever. 

One last note...don't try to look at things and make sure everything is always 100% equal between his son from his previous marriage and his child with you. The thing is, they are both his kids. And they are going to be 11 years apart in age. One lives with Dad full time (your child) and one doesn't. There will never be total equality there. He's going to do the best he can. The baby isn't going to do much besides eat, sleep and fill his/her diapers for a while, so most of what he'll do with the baby is just give a bottle (unless you're breastfeeding), change a diaper and hold him/her (or like some men, just tell you it needs doing. lol). The 11 yr old...he can actually play games with, talk to, etc. It will be different. It doesn't mean he loves the child he shares with you any less. And if you focus on trying to make everything equal, you're just going to make everyone miserable.


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## HappyHer

Relax. Summer is going by quickly and soon the son will be back at her house for the week-ends. Your child will be with you full time, so why worry about if his son is or not? 

I do agree it's nice to be able to plan, but obviously your husband has set the precedence that she doesn't have to pick him up if she doesn't want to. You'll have couples time together later next month or in September when school starts again and that's not very far from now.

Your unborn child is an "idea" to your husband and the reality of it simply will not set in with him until he's holding the wee one in his own arms. Sure, he knows you are having a baby, and he knows what having a baby is about. But until he sees and holds this baby - it's just not going to set in for him as it is for you since you are the one carrying the child.

At that time I'm sure he'll fall head over heels in love and then you'll see that his parenting can be shared equally between both the children. In the meantime, of course he's going to seem more bonded with this older child right now, that's actually healthy and very normal.


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## Crypsys

Hunt Brown said:


> but here's my point that's going to roil the waters... it's not kids first. it's you and your husband first. if you put the kids first you necessarily put the marriage second, and when the marriage comes second you feel it and resent it, even when you're the one doing it.


:iagree: 110%. 

You will do better for your children showing them how a relationship works in their early years. They will model all of their future relationships on your own. If you and your spouse are happy and in love, they will know and see what that is like. They will then try and mirror your relationship with their own. Giving them the gift of seeing a healthy relationship is invaluable. 

My wife and I are constantly amazed at the number of other couples who don't put their marriage as a top priority. We have 3 (soon to be 4) and people with 1 ask us how we find time to be together. They don't go out on dates, they don't have private time and they begin to loose that close bond. Believe me, your kids will get the attention they need, they will know they are loved and cared for even if you put your marriage as a top priority. Our kids know Mom and Dad have our bi-nightly alone time, and every other week date night.


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