# Children sleeping in same bed as mom and dad!



## imhiswifey (Aug 16, 2013)

Hi Everyone! Long time lurker here, decided to join as I am quite bored this evening LOL and wanted to chat marriage and relationships!

Anyways I am back in Canada for a family reunion (I live in Europe now) and glanced at a magazine at the local bookstore - Macleans I believe and there was a big article on children sleeping in the same bed as mom and dad, even teenagers!

I was completely mortified, my husband would be livid if he let our two sons (age 7 and 6) sleep in the same bed as us! 

Do any parents out there allow this? Thoughts? One quote in the article was from a that father said his kids go to bed at 8pm and he gets home from work at 7pm, would he rather have 1 hour with his kids or 9? 

How does sex and intimacy work with the kidos sleeping in the same bed? :scratchhead:

Looking forward to chatting with everyone!!


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## imhiswifey (Aug 16, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> My youngest slept with us till she was 3. Her crib was in our room. If I could go back I would have done this with my other 2 kids. They sleep so much better with mom nearby and I wouldn't have been so sleep depressed. Lol
> 
> Sex wasn't an issue as we just waited till she fell asleep and we went to the guest bedroom. No biggie.
> 
> At 3 I easily talked her into moving in with her sister. By 7 she wanted her own room.


crib in same room OK but same bed?? For both my kids their bassinet was in our room for about two months then once their sleeping habits formed,we put them in their room but I had the baby monitor close by thats for sure! many a sleepless night for me too!


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

We do it when needed. I have two kids, 11 months apart in age. When they were babies they slept in the same room as us , sometimes in bed. We lived in a one bedroom apartment then and it was our bed on one side of the room and two cribs on the other. If either of them woke up at night they would come to our bed. Even as babies when they were feeding at night we'd bring them to bed. 

Those were pure survival days. We operated under whatever got everyone the most sleep. We didnt have time to stop and think about sleep training or anything like that. H and I both worked and needed whatever sleep we could get for the next day.

Once they stopped feeding at night, H and I both found we just liked it so we never fought it much. Our kids always had their own beds and would start the night on their own. That was when it was our time for adult activities. We just didnt have sex in the bedroom when they were sleeping in there. But if/when they woke up they would come to bed with us. 

Even now at 3 and 4 if they have a nightmare or they are sick they are in our bed. Sometimes all four of us are in bed together. Its not all the time now but we both dont mind them coming in if they want us. Our door is always open for them. 

One of my favorite times each week are on Saturday and Sunday mornings when my son - 4.5, wakes up early and realizes its the weekend and we dont have to get up for work so he slides into bed between H and I and we all go back to sleep for a couple more hours. 

I feel extremely fortunate that my H has been so ready and willing to pitch in with the parenting in all aspects including all of the night time care. He loves cuddling with the kids whenever he gets the chance even all night.

Actually I have always joked with my H how great it worked out to have two kids for him to cuddle at night. Im not a big night cuddler myself and when I am ready for sleep I want to be free to sleep. Sleeping beside H has been fine but he wants arms and legs wrapped around me at all times and I just cant sleep that way. He gets to wrap himself around the kids and they soak it up and love it. Win-win.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

We're all over the place sleep-wise. The girls have been in bed with us off and on since the first was born 8 years ago. Sex is no trouble, we just use another bed. For a long time we had a futon in a room that was pretty much just for sex. Sometimes we'd go downstairs on the couch, just to mix it up. Now they have their own bed and I usually sleep with them because for some reason it helps my insomnia, but I just hop into bed with H first if either one of us wants sex. It's really no trouble.


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## imhiswifey (Aug 16, 2013)

Funny my youngest just hopped into the bed beside me, its the time change I think and being in a hotel room. I agree with you kag123 they are fun to cuddle with!

I loved when they had nap time when they were younger, that was when I slept with them!


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## bewilderness (Jun 11, 2013)

Oh, who cares? People do whatever they need to do to get sleep. We've done both - kids with and without. There are pros and cons. And people did it for CENTURIES. Honestly, who cares? Next question.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bewilderness (Jun 11, 2013)

Oh. As for sex, duh. Lots of other places to have sex with your spouse. It's more shocking to me that people can't think outside the marital box. Couch? Basement? Garage? Dining room? Shower? Backseat?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

"I was completely mortified, my husband would be livid if he let our two sons (age 7 and 6) sleep in the same bed as us! "

That's a very strong reaction to something that's not even in your life, people are different, some cultures co-sleep others don't. Some people have children with special needs, some people feel its easier to breastfeed by having the baby sleep with them. People also and sex in other places besides their bed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Bed sharing in infancy has very clear benefit to babies when done properly. I have watched and read multiple studies of infants heart rates stabilizing and breathings rates stabilizing. There is some sort of chemical reaction that takes place when baby is close enough to smell mom and their bodies go in sync. There are strict parameters to keep them safe, but as a mother of an infant in the NICU, I know that the only time his heart and breathing monitors did not go off was when he was in my arms. We left the hospital bed sharing. Our next child started in our bed from the get go, with a cosleeper right next to the bed for those times I just needed space. It aides in continuation of breastfeeding as well. The AAP does not even recommend them leaving the same room as the mother until six months old. 

Now, children sleeping in bed with parents, I do not find a problem with. Heck, in college I had a nightmare once when home on break and climbed in bed with my dad. I knew the dream was not real but it really shook me up and I did not want to be alone. 

The problem starts when parents kick the kiddos out of their bed and climb in bed with them under the impression of "getting them to sleep in their own beds". Laying down with them fine until they do sleep, but in my situation, he never came back to our bed and there never was a chance to communicate after that. I'd beg for him to let them sleep on their own. Heck, I even had a routine that was working to get them to sleep alone for at least part of the night. I just wanted our evenings for us at that point (they were preschool age by this point), but he never came back. 

He has left me now for another woman. Perhaps it was my first clue that I ignored.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

imhiswifey said:


> Hi Everyone! Long time lurker here, decided to join as I am quite bored this evening LOL and wanted to chat marriage and relationships!
> 
> Anyways I am back in Canada for a family reunion (I live in Europe now) and glanced at a magazine at the local bookstore - Macleans I believe and there was a big article on children sleeping in the same bed as mom and dad, even teenagers!
> 
> ...


I know in some cultures this is done. It is also one thing to let a child on rare occasions crash with parents, but I am against it in general. I do not see this as good for the marriage or for the children.

I am fairly loud during sex anyway but I really am not going to have what I consider to be sex with kids in the bed. Creepy. Now that said, I am all for parents showing affection in front of the children to a reasonable extent.

I understand that many folks are fine with nudity but I sleep naked and my wife often does as well. Sex to me is not an event to go do.

To each there own but for sure sleeping with children past a point does seem odd to me.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Ours slept with us on and off on our bed until age 5. We didn't have any problems getting them to sleep through the night or transitioning them to their own beds. It's also cultural for both of us. We're both from cultures that practice co-sleeping. Historically, children have shared beds with parents. The whole put the baby in a crib in a different room right from infancy is relatively new when you look at thousands of years of human history.

As for sex...you know the bedroom isn't the only room in the house you can have sex. And night time isn't the only time you can have sex.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

As I read this, my 5 year old daughter is in my bed... lol
She had a crib in our room for a long time because we have 4 kids (the oldest 3 boys) and only a 3 bedroom house. But because I breastfed her, she was usually just in our bed because it was easier. Once she got her own room, she got a bed but wasn't comfortable. I think it was because we have a waterbed and she didn't like the "real" mattress. When she started school, I got her into a great routine that included sleeping in her own bed. But then my husband switched his work schedule and is now gone all night. I know this bothered her because she would have nightmares and end up in my bed by morning. Something she never did before. At some point it evolved to her just going to sleep in our bed to begin with but she gets it to herself for almost 7 hours before I join her. Then we only share the bed for a few hours before getting up for school. Daddy gets home and gets her to school and then he and I go to sleep together. Different folks, different strokes. This happens to work for us.


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## imhiswifey (Aug 16, 2013)

I asked the question because I read an article that is is becoming common for a family bed to be shared including among teenagers sleeping with parents! 

The views in the article are not my opinion, I was shocked teenagers would be sleeping with mum and dad!


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I plan to put our girl in a bassinet by our bed. The sleep in our bed definitely won't work for us because I sleep too wild. Even with it being hard to move around now my H is constantly moving me off my back and off my right side. I don't want to smother my baby. Plus sleeping together and touching through the night is part of intimacy so it seems like the baby in our bed would come between that.


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## Zookeepertomany (Jun 27, 2013)

Our kids have slept in our bed until 18months. After that they get moved to their own bed but the door is always open for them to sleep with us if they feel they need too. I don't have teens that sleep in our bed, they visit in my bed but none stay.
As for sex and intimacy, we have 8 kids, sleeping together apparently didn't hinder our ability for adult festivities. Creativity is the key.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I guess it really do depend on the couple. We were raise that Mommy and Daddy room is off limits unless you are invited in or get permission. Funny thing is as we moved out we totally abolish that rule on our own and as grown children we walk in there whenever we feel like it. 

As for me given what go on in our bed it's kind of creepy to think of baby sleeping there. That just me though.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I know lots of kids who are adults now who slept with their parents even when they were teens.
In fact , there are a few of my nephews and nieces who did.

I don't know the pros and cons of it , because I have no kids.
But these kid I speak of are pretty normal adults now

I guess it depends on a lot of things.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I had so many rules about this when I first became a parent and now I realize how pointless it was. LOL


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Our son will be turning 3 in a few months. He sleeps with us; this is with enthusiastic agreement with both me and my DH.

To me, it is blissful each night to curl up with my son and DH. The people who are most precious to me are right there, we are all together-Love!

Also, waking up to my son giving me a kiss, saying "Mommy! I love you! It's wake up time, Mommy!"- Love! (Daddy gets this joy usually on weekends, since he is off to work by the time my son and I wake up during the week.)

As for Husband-Wife action, well, only one room in the house is off-limits (because the little guy is sleeping there.) Options abound!


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> I had so many rules about this when I first became a parent and now I realize how pointless it was. LOL


Ha, I had so many theories and ideas- all out the window now! I can only imagine how it would go if we had more than one!


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Of course all my ideas are pre baby arrival so who knows what might happen when reality is here. But I truly don't see that fitting in with where we are now. For example that seem like it would contribute to something that common place here on TAM: baby arrives and Mommy start to neglect H and his needs. It become all about baby and H build resentment. 

Just trying to get the viewpoint of those who have been through it because it truly not making sense to me.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

*Re: Re: Children sleeping in same bed as mom and dad!*



committed4ever said:


> Of course all my ideas are pre baby arrival so who knows what might happen when reality is here. But I truly don't see that fitting in with where we are now. For example that seem like it would contribute to something that common place here on TAM: baby arrives and Mommy start to neglect H and his needs. It become all about baby and H build resentment.
> 
> Just trying to get the viewpoint of those who have been through it because it truly not making sense to me.


Honestly we never had the problem in our marraige of either one of us feeling neglected when the babies arrived. 

Like I said, my H was and is an extremely hands on dad and when the baby came both times, he was just so enamored that he didnt want to stop holding them or playing with them. The only "fights" we had were over who was hogging the baby! So for us sleeping together with the kids has just been a normal extension of life. No big deal. 

I was really self conscious about it as a brand new mom because there are a lot of people out there who are vehemently against it. It doesnt seem to be a common thing in the US and I was very taken aback as a new mom by how judgmental a lot of other moms can be about these types of things. 

The worst was torturing myself over whether I was a good mom or not for every little decision I made. I was young when we had our first baby and it was unplanned so I was extremely unprepared to raise a child and also very gullible and thought everyone with a strong opinion must know better than me. It took awhile for me to realize there is no real road map. Each kid is born with its own personality and you do your best along the way...thats all you can do. 

One of the best things I think I did as a first time mom was never make any "decisions" before the baby was born about what I was definitely going to do or not do. I went into my birth a completely clean slate having no preconceived notion about what I was going to do. 

I just wish I could go back in time and kick myself for worrying so much about what everyone else thought. Who cares...whatever works for each family.

I have friends who did sleep training with their kids and never had them in the marital bed even one night and they love it that way. So to each their own...no judgment here!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I've got a teenager and no way would he want to sleep with us. LOL He's 13 and I offer that as an option when he has trouble sleeping when my husband is out of town but he declines.
> 
> He's an aspie and looks/acts more like a 10 year old than a 13 year old but still....


I read something a while back that says a son sleeping with his mother while innocent enough can impact the way he deals with females later in life. In other words he is more inhibited. Idunno. But from a guys point of view I get that.

It comes down to intimacy. Also I can see a woman having different feelings about this than the man. We see all sorts of threads about sex stopping once the children arrived. And going on for years. All sorts of reasons of course but the couple has to have some intimate time. And not just on demand to have sex. I am talking intimcay. To be able to roll over and snuggle up and so on or not to so on. I know that having children in between throttles that. I can see having a very young child in the same room. It comes down to your priorites.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Too late. He will have trouble dealing with females. First because I was an intimidating mother for his earlier years. Secondly because his dad is a beta who avoided me by working all the time. And lastly because he's autistic.
> 
> In my defense I've got him in weekly counseling and my husband is stepping up to be a better father.
> 
> One thing in my son's corner is having two sisters. He will make a good husband if I can just teach him about boundaries and how to pick a good wife.


Please understand I was not picking on you at all. Your post reminded me of this. Once a boy begins puberty this stuff can be very awkward.
I am very much for hugs and closeness and show of affection. I can even see exceptions to all of this.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Totally get it.
> 
> He's showing ZERO signs of puberty. None, zip, zilch, nada.
> 
> He still looks and acts like a little boy.


Gotcha. And indeed you have special circumstances as well.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> Of course all my ideas are pre baby arrival so who knows what might happen when reality is here. But I truly don't see that fitting in with where we are now. For example that seem like it would contribute to something that common place here on TAM: baby arrives and Mommy start to neglect H and his needs. It become all about baby and H build resentment.
> 
> Just trying to get the viewpoint of those who have been through it because it truly not making sense to me.


In a few years, you and your hubby will have a great time looking back at what you thought would happen BC (Before Child) and what actually happened AD (After Delivery). Things change in ways that you'd never be able to foretell- for us, they have mostly been wonderful, changes! 

You have a great advantage, which is that you are on marriage boards pre-child, and you are proactively looking for things to keep your marriage good. You have a working knowledge now of the common pit-falls and can guard against them. As long as you guys keep communication open and work together, you'll be fine. Problems arise when one (and usually both) of those two things are missing.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

We are currently starting off each night with the kids on a mattress right next to us, but by morning they are always in the same bed. With a puppy too. 

We had started putting them in the bedroom next door, but it seems all of us prefer being close. Ages are 2 and 3. 

You can have sex every day and still sleep together. We have a third bed in another room we usually use. If they are totally konked out in their mattress next to us we'll sneak one in.


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## imhiswifey (Aug 16, 2013)

Thanks for the discussion everyone! I would have an issue with a teenage child, but my young sons on occasion no problem with it. Its my hubby who views it differently I guess, his rule is after we put them to bed, its "our" time, he doesn't want the kids coming out of their bedroom unless necessary (medical, nightmare etc). I guess he was grown up in a strict household.

And for the comment I received regarding sex in other places but the bedroom - of course! Thats why my husband is adamant that the kids stay in their room after 8pm LOL!


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I've got 3 kids and this never happened to me despite our youngest sleeping with us. It's always about been all about hubby because well I'm HD and I need sex. LOL
> 
> I was the one watching the clock waiting for her to fall asleep so I could drag my husband to the guest room, the playroom, the garage, it was fun actually.


Lol, this was totally me too. Actually, I let the kids sleep in our bed so I could get more sex--they were both such terrible sleepers that I could count on them waking up and crying if they were in their own beds. But in my bed, they'd sleep so well, and H and I could just have fun on the sex futon or in the living room. I'm the HD one in the relationship, H is pretty LD, so I think I put a lot more thought into optimizing sleep and sex than he did.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Co sleeping saved the lives of my two youngest when they were new born babies. One was brain damaged at birth (cord prolapse and compression) and the other was 2 months premature and came home on a cardiac monitor from the neonatal ICU. 

The cardiac monitor didn't even sound off for an apnea episode my youngest had (bradycardia was the cause and preemies sometimes forget to breath). 

I woke up immediately when the episode started as when we co sleep as parents we tend to lightly sleep (or at least I do). For my brain damaged baby it was forgetting to breath and it was the same thing, I woke up immediately.

My kids out grew it at around 5 to 6 years old. Youngest two still occasionally crawl in about once a week but will crawl back into their own beds after a bit on their own. They out grow it and I've never had a problem with it.

There are other rooms for adult intimacy, doesn't have to be the bedroom all the time. Besides that's boring as all heck to just limit it to the bedroom (of course where appropriate)


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## librarydragon (Aug 20, 2011)

I have a different opinion now than I did sixteen years ago with my first infant. I often brought him to bed with me. My husband was often traveling for work, so it meant to bed with us as well. He had different things in mind when he returned home. I did not. 

Once my son was old enough for a big boy bed, it was 50/50. Sometimes he slept in my/our bed. Sometimes I fell asleep cuddling with him in his after stories. Sometimes, it was an excellent excuse to avoid sex with my husband after a long week alone with the kid(s).

Today, I do not believe there is anything good that can come from co-sleeping with children beyond the breast-feeding years. Even then, it's exhaustion talking, not reason.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Mother-Baby Behavioral Sleep Laboratory // University of Notre Dame

Like anything in parenting and life. What works for one may not work for another. Do the research and make an informed decision of your own. All I can say is it worked for us and I'm HD so it was never an excuse for me to avoid sex with the husband and never have avoided it with him personally.


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