# Men, your thoughts?



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

*Men, your thoughts? Need advice!*

I posted this in "General," but want to know what men think..

My H doesn't "get" and cannot relate to the stress and anxiety I'm going through writing a graduate thesis.
To put it simply, it sucks and makes me miserable.
--this is my stress talking.

So I vent something like this to him. 
I say "ugh, I don't want to work on this, it suuucks, I haaate it..."
All I want is:
"yeah, I know you're stressed and it sucks."
but I get:
"Youre making more of this than it is. Just go do it, stop complaining."

so I respond by clarifying that's just my stress talking, all I want is acknowledgement and maybe some encouragement.
This doesn't go well.
It turns into our old pattern: I push, he resists and possibly feels like a failure under his apparent resistance.
THAT IS NOT GOOD!!!
I feel let down and frustrated.
I leave the house, and the conversation didn't end well.

I guess for you men I have a few questions:
1. How could I have handled his response in a different way where I didn't jump right back into the role of "pushing"?
2. If a guy responds like this when his W vents, is there any way for him to "get" that all she wants is validation of her feelings??? 
3. Should I bring this up again, or let it go until the next time I need to vent and just want acknowledgement?

Help!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I guess what I'm seeing is that he wants to help or "fix" you. He wants to help you see that the stress isn't all that bad so you'll feel a bit better.

Men are fixers.

Maybe next time you could thank him for trying to help, acknowledge that what he's saying is true, but tell him nicely that you really just need someone who will listen to you for a minute.

He will (hopefully) at some point begin to catch on and learn to just keep his mouth shut, smile, and nod supportively!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Thanks ng. You make a good point.
He may have been doing his best to put things into perspective for me.
I see how my response probably just looked like criticism to him:
"you're not giving me what I need so i'm upset with you."
so to get validation when I'M stressed, I need to give it to him for his efforts?
"Double duty for me" says my emotions.
But if that'll help, then okay, I'll try it...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Thanks ng. You make a good point.
> He may have been doing his best to put things into perspective for me.
> I see how my response probably just looked like criticism to him:
> "you're not giving me what I need so i'm upset with you."
> ...


Well - sounds like he IS trying, and validation is free.

And like I said, hopefully he'll catch on and you'll be able to skip the middle part and he'll just learn to listen.

I've been in his shoes. I think I've learned to catch on to the "please listen to me" hints a bit faster over the years.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Validation is free. I agree.

I want it from him.

He's not so good at giving it.

But maybe if I give it to him, he can learn to give it to me...?

Should I bring it up again or let it go for now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Validation is free. I agree.
> 
> I want it from him.
> 
> ...


Yeah - maybe don't use the context of that specific situation. Maybe just say that in general you've been really stressed lately, and that sometimes you just need to talk or vent and could really use a good listener.

I don't think he would feel "pushed" if you did this. You aren't telling him he did something wrong - just expressing your needs.

Might actually work, but don't be surprised if you have to remind him again the next time you need to vent.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

NG...unlike you, he's not a "nice guy."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Men, i'm risking that i'm coming across as desperate---so I am!...
Help!!
Any feedback?? Anything at all?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

interesting...
Soo. You're stressed, you transmit that stress to your loved one, then become annoyed that he doesn't telepathically know what you want him to say.. he sounds messed up.



Thats just one instance. Do you do this all the time? "I hate this", "This Sucks" etc. Maybe it sounds more like "ranting" to him and he cannot understand why you choose to do something which you dont find pleasurable...

Just another viewpoint.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Vino, that viewpoint makes sense, thanks.
He is of the "why do it if you're going to complain? And why complain if you're going to do it" mentality.

Given that I said "I just need you to acknowledge my stress feeling," Im not expecting telepathy.

And no, I don't do this often.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

*Re: Men, your thoughts? Need advice!*



credamdóchasgra said:


> I posted this in "General," but want to know what men think..
> 
> My H doesn't "get" and cannot relate to the stress and anxiety I'm going through writing a graduate thesis.
> To put it simply, it sucks and makes me miserable.
> ...


Men don't understand why a woman would engage in an activity that she hates. Men are focused on resolving problems and if you come to man with a problem he will try to resolve it for you and not understand that he is supposed to validate and allow you to vent. It will take many years for your man to recognize this. It's a complicated concept that comes with years of marriage. He will do this when he becomes motivated to be a better man because you do such a great job meeting his emotional needs in the marriage. For now, best bet is to vent to a female (sister, friend, mom) and not put such high expectations on your man.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

*Re: Men, your thoughts? Need advice!*



credamdóchasgra said:


> "Youre making more of this than it is. Just go do it, stop complaining."


You storm out of the house because he told you to stop whining and write the thing?

You way overreacted.

If you want him to react as a female, then explain that to him endlessly and ---

He'll still tell you the exact same thing.

He's a man. Not your girlfriend.

To a man complaining is useless without solutions. Easy solution:

"Youre making more of this than it is. Just go do it, stop complaining."


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Agreed with all the men here. We are fixers, not listeners. I grew up with 3 sisters and a mom, I know this, but damn, if I still don't try to fix a woman's problem every time she complains before realizing, oh, she just wants to vent.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

I'm a woman and would basically say the same thing. "Yeah it sucks, things in life suck that you have to do, so roll up your sleeves, dig in, and get it done."

Sometimes we have to encourage ourselves to accomplish things.


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## Dadeo (Oct 2, 2010)

There is something you need to understand. Men, especially "manly" men are fixers. They are presented with a challenge, their first and most basic instict is to deal with it and move forward. Their basic nature is such that validating and venting is just not a part of their basic reasoning. 
I have seen this with many of the guys i work with, their wives vent, they come up with solutions, and then get cut down for doing it. 
I have seen it get to the point where they just quit offering advise on anything at any time. Be very careful of that one.
But otherwise, he is what he is. If you want to vent about it, make sure you include in there somewhere that you dont need a solution, just a friendly ear.


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## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

I prefer what he said to what you wish he would say. It's just so manly and sexy.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

*Re: Men, your thoughts? Need advice!*



credamdóchasgra said:


> I posted this in "General," but want to know what men think..
> 
> My H doesn't "get" and cannot relate to the stress and anxiety I'm going through writing a graduate thesis.
> To put it simply, it sucks and makes me miserable.
> ...



I wonder why he would say that? Quit complaining and just do it? Is that you para phrasing or is that what he says.

When my wife is stressed she is in school "Grad school" like you........my replies are:

What can I do to help? I've got the clothes, dishes, whatever, you just focus on school, I know it's hard why don't you take a break?, Go get a coffee, go shopping for bit, go get some YOU time, I'll help you study when you get back.

Then the conversation will be remember why you are doing this? This is part of a dream your dream? It's almost over then you will be able to help in the capacity you want to. 

Etc etc........my wife knows all of this already just like you do I'm sure. She just needs that reassurrance that I'm there that I see it's hard and it is.

Of course her stress is only temporary and probably just like you once it's over she's fine. School is tough stuff just continue to focus and reap the reward that is waiting for you.

In my wife's defense she also works 50hrs a week too! Best of luck to you just talk to him I don't see why he should not understand??


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Credam, would it be enough for you to just know that he's heard you out?

When I need to vent, to really just verbalize my frustrations I go to my husband and tell him "Listen, I need to vent. I don't need you to say a word. I don't want you to say a word. Just sit here and listen". And then I proceed at will.

I get to verbally explode in front of a witness LOL, and he just gets to sit down, think about whatever he wants to think about and not worry about figuring out "solutions" to my "problems".


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

reachingshore said:


> Credam, would it be enough for you to just know that he's heard you out?
> 
> When I need to vent, to really just verbalize my frustrations I go to my husband and tell him "Listen, I need to vent. I don't need you to say a word. I don't want you to say a word. Just sit here and listen". And then I proceed at will.
> 
> I get to verbally explode in front of a witness LOL, and he just gets to sit down, think about whatever he wants to think about and not worry about figuring out "solutions" to my "problems".


Yes, it would help to know he's heard and is listening.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

If I could get my husband to actually listen and not have to compete with the TV, this would be great in my house.

My counselor suggested using a kitchen timer. Approach your husband, say I need to vent or talk about something and set the timer to a set time - say 5 mins to 10 mins. When the timer bings - you're done.

My counselor said that a lot of women like to explain and go from A-Z, but through B, C, D, and so on. Men like to cut to the chase - get from A-Z and let me get onto something else.

So the timer ensures that he gives you his undivided attention and it ensures that you get to the point, vent and not drag it out forever, because of course then, you lose his attention. And he knows that he only has to pay attention for 5 to 10 mins tops!

Try it, might work. I never did get the timer, but am getting one today to see if maybe I can get my husband to listen more and shut me out less. Hey, try anything once, if it doesn't work, move on to the next idea.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

No they don’t go A, B, C, D ….. Z.

They go R, G, L, X, R again, maybe A next but not sure, P, S.

Z? That doesn’t exist lol.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Yes, it would help to know he's heard and is listening.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Chances are he's thinking about himself.


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