# separation, depression, and lost myself



## brokenman30 (Oct 28, 2011)

My wife is no longer living with me and our two children. She is most likely bipolar as she has experienced this same type of behavior now 3 times. Once in 1999, 2006, and fall 2011-?

The story each time is the same. she disconnects, abandons her real friends and family, befriends co workers, and acts wreckless with drinking, driving, spending, etc. she is in denial and is not on medication, etc.

Not here to focus on the details of her illness. I have a 17 yr relationship that was perfect for me. during the non manic times, she was everything i ever wanted....during the phases, it was hell.

Currently, I have two children 8 & 11 and my eldest especially is hurting so bad about us not being together. My youngest is also struggling but in different ways. They both are in thereapy once a week.

Me. I am a mess. I live in the marital home, act as a stay at home mom, father, and career man all in one.

I have seen a pyschiatrist for my own depression....now take 30mg of lexapro and 1MG of extended release XANAX

after 22 therapy sessions, talking it out until i am blue in the face, adjusting medications as time has made me worse, I am sitting here longing for my old life.
I used to be an avid runner, worked out regularly, and had the best, most balanced life. Now, i have no motivation, hardly work, never exercise, and mope.

what bothers me is that my kids and separated spouse have a horrible relationship most of the time and i have zero time for myself - which is why when i finally get them off to school, i flop and lounge around my house ( luckily i have a flexible job to do so---although not great for business, etc)

so with all of the hurt she has caused me and my children, i still miss my old life and wife. i am admitting it. seeing her almost everyday bc of kids activities or whatever, makes it so painful for me

other facts....kids hate going to her apartment as it represents the issues they have with their mom. 

her illness in the past has come and gone. its as if she has had a brain transplant. each time in the past, she turned back to her old self....problem is i have no faith in the fact she will make a lifetime committment and accept the meds she needs----i can see her taking them until she returns to normal but stopping. i love the " well" woman so much....it just isnt my reality right now...i feel like i am abandoning her should she become her old self and also disappointing my girls that we wouldnt remain together.....its so confusing but clear.

my family thinks i need a swift kick in the ass but i feel so depressed and medicated, i cant find the energy to kickstart myself...they offer me total support...i even have the full support of my wifes parents who call me everyday...

this is a lose lose situation...

ps. we are financially divorced. i have a property settlement agreement signed, etc. i need her benefits and there really is no point in divorcing unless i need to get remarried. well, im so medicated and depressed, i have the furthest thing from a sex drive or interest in meeting others....l hardly do the things i used to enjoy....help.

thanks,


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

There is a lot going on here...my first question is, what kind of therapy did you do? Daily xanax will not be good for you longterm...have you tried CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy)? It was a godsend when I had anxiety so bad I couldn't work.
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## brokenman30 (Oct 28, 2011)

i meet with a pysch every other month ( was every few weeks before)

also, i meet with a family talk therapist who specializes in divorce, etc. 1 hr sessions, once per week


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

brokenman30 said:


> i meet with a pysch every other month ( was every few weeks before)
> 
> also, i meet with a family talk therapist who specializes in divorce, etc. 1 hr sessions, once per week


Ok, well I would recommend researching CBT and seeing if you can see someone who specializes in it once a week for a few months. Once you practice for a few months you will probably see enough improvement that you won't have to continue therapy unless you really need it. I can't stress enough how much this helped me...I only take 20mg lexapro now and .25mg xanax maybe once a month for bad panic attacks. More importantly, I went from not being able to work to leading a very full life in a matter of months. It is also helping me greatly in dealing with things since my stbxh abandoned me 6 weeks ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Need a swift kick you say? Lucky for you I'm chiming in with just that! You knew I would, right? 

The swift kick you need is simply: acceptance. I've mentioned this before, but the reality is that as an unmedicated and rapidly aging bipolar, your wife isn't likely to "get well" or "go into remission" for any length of time. Ours is a progressive disease. If it isn't medicated, or is intermittently medicated, the episodes get more frequent and more severe.

You know that I, of all people, don't feel that people who have bipolar disorder are unsalvageable. But they have to be TRYING to get better. Unmedicated, we're not that different from addicts. Only instead of chasing a bottle or a needle, we're chasing that magic that exists only in our brains.

My heart aches for you, it really does. I can tell that you would go to the ends of the earth for your relationship, and I can't tell you how much hope that gives me....that there are people like you out there. 

BUT....back to the a$$ kicking, my friend! You need to take charge of your thoughts and understand and accept that the wife you HAD, won't ever really be back. Right now she's embracing her chemical ride. The consequence of that is that it makes it more and more likely that her future will be just as challenging for her.

What you have to do, is understand that. Mourn it as over, rather than a trial to be suffered until she "gets well". "Well" as you knew it just isn't ever going to happen. The sooner you can look forward instead of back, the better off your kids, and you will be! Seriously, if you want to sit and eat the lotuses of your past with your wife, that's up to you. But what about your kids? How long are you willing to keep them in limbo pretending that this is just a little "blip" in the status quo?

You need to re-frame your outlook, man......and fast, because it's not just your life, as I'm sure you know!


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