# "You never listen to me!" AKA the blah, blah, blah effect



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

At work recently several of us confessed that we had irritated out spouses (male and female) by not listening to our spouses.

Three of us realised that we sometimes tune our spouses out, so can miss important information they are telling us.

I think this can be called the "Blah, blah, blah" effect.

This is how it goes:

"So I said to him/her, I said... Blah, blah, blah, Blah, blah, blah Blah, blah, blah, Blah, blah, blah Blah, blah, blah, Blah, blah, blah, duh.... Blah, blah, blah, Blah, blah, blah _important information_ Blah, blah, blah, Blah, blah, blah Blah, blah, blah, Blah, blah, blah..."

And this is how the important information gets missed.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Mmmhmmm. Yes dear.


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## I'llUseMyEars (Jul 27, 2014)

Oh Matt you are sooo right! That dang Blah Blah Effect! I lived it for 18 yrs in my first marriage. Whatever she said went in one ear and out the other quicker! BUT, I digress! Having lived that for so long, and getting divorced, and eventually meeting and marrying my present wife, Sunshine as I like to call her. The blah blah effect has left my life now. There isnt anything my wife says that I dont listen to. Sure, I may not always agree, but darnit, im listening! Sorry to say, but I truly believe that it takes at least a 2nd marriage to figure out how this works, and to learn enough to make it work for both!
Just my 2 cents I shall leave at the door...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> At work recently several of us confessed that we had irritated out spouses (male and female) by not listening to our spouses.
> 
> Three of us realised that we sometimes tune our spouses out, so can miss important information they are telling us.
> 
> ...


Our problem is that we have profoundly different communication styles.

She's a story teller. In order for her to tell me if the guy came to fix the garage doors, she'll have to tell me what she had for breakfast, what her friends on Facebook were saying, and what she was wearing before she gets to the part where the guy came to fix the damn doors or not.

Me?

"Husband, did the guy come to fix the garage doors?"

"Yes"

I tune out because I'm looking for information, while she's seeking emotional connection and context.

It drives me crazy when I have to sit there for 10 minutes (not kidding) just to find out whether something happened or not.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

It takes years of practice to do the husband tune out effect. The key is to tune out but listen for key words, things that involve sex, money, cars, food.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> The key is to tune out but listen for *key words*, things that involve sex, money, cars, food.


LOVE this!! :rofl:

You mean something like THIS, Wolf? Blah blah blah blah blah blah _BJ_ blah blah blah blah blah blah _new convertible for your birthday_ blah blah blah blah blah blah _beer and wings_ blah blah blah blah....

:lol:


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

*Re: Re: "You never listen to me!" AKA the blah, blah, blah effect*



marduk said:


> Our problem is that we have profoundly different communication styles.
> 
> She's a story teller. In order for her to tell me if the guy came to fix the garage doors, she'll have to tell me what she had for breakfast, what her friends on Facebook were saying, and what she was wearing before she gets to the part where the guy came to fix the damn doors or not.
> 
> ...


It's funny that you mentioned this because as a woman I am very sensitive to the fact that I can easily come off as annoying to my H if I give anything beyond the bare facts that he's looking for. 

For some reason it is something that hits me very personally - to feel uninteresting or even annoying to him when I speak - perhaps most other women don't feel that way. As a result I have become quite self conscious and choose to be very selective with how I speak to him and when I speak to him. I keep our conversation brief and to the point and only talk about things rooted in fact...such as did you get the mail today? Yes/no. I don't discuss feelings or concerns or worries with him. I keep those to myself. I've got a mind full of things that I keep to myself to avoid the blah blah blah mentioned here. 

He has never specifically asked me to do this, I do it because it hurts like a knife to the chest when I see on his face that he is impatient or rolling his eyes or losing interest. I guess we all have our sensitivities and this is mine - to bore my spouse or to somehow come across to him as shallow, unintelligent, trivial...I avoid that at all costs. 

The result though is a feeling of divide between us. At least on my end. I often feel that he doesn't truly know me or understand me at all because of how little I feel I can share with him about myself. But I think he is happy that I am "not like every other woman" (his words) so I keep on because I get small satisfaction out of his happiness.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

kag123 said:


> It's funny that you mentioned this because as a woman I am very sensitive to the fact that I can easily come off as annoying to my H if I give anything beyond the bare facts that he's looking for.
> 
> For some reason it is something that hits me very personally - to feel uninteresting or even annoying to him when I speak - perhaps most other women don't feel that way. As a result I have become quite self conscious and choose to be very selective with how I speak to him and when I speak to him. I keep our conversation brief and to the point and only talk about things rooted in fact...such as did you get the mail today? Yes/no. I don't discuss feelings or concerns or worries with him. I keep those to myself. I've got a mind full of things that I keep to myself to avoid the blah blah blah mentioned here.
> 
> ...


What if you separated the two? This is something I've tried (and failed) to get my wife to understand.

You can have a brief conversation to convey information pertaining to the management of your shared life. Like the garage door. It should take 10-60 seconds at most. Check, move on, done.

THEN have the conversation about the day. Or before. But it's a different conversation.

"OK husband now that we've dealt with that, I want to tell you about my day... "

Otherwise I find myself in this mode where I'm just filtering out the non-information about the task that I'm seeking to finish so I can move on with my day. Sometimes you just have to manage the day to day...

I am extremely goal oriented. It's why I'm good at my job and at many things. If I come home and have a minute to get an answer on whether the guy came or not because I may have to take action on that, just tell me.

If you want me to just listen because you want to talk, then just tell me that.

Sometimes as a man I just have to get stuff done.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I can relate to you because I am also goal oriented. I am an engineer and I work in a male dominated industry and I am used to handling things that are high priority, short deadline, quick turnaround where efficiency is key. I've gotten used to speaking and handling myself in a way that is expected based on the norm of my work. 

It still takes work for me to "de-woman" myself. You said, why can't you seperate the two. Mostly because my brain doesnt work that way. I am constantly taking in a thousand different data points and churning them in my head simultaneously...

Some of those have to do with the garage door, and then the garage door reminds me of the stack of baseball bats and gloves sitting in the garage...oh yea, must remember to sign son up for baseball this year...or maybe he'd prefer a different sport? He didn't seem too excited that his team made playoffs last year......I wonder if I can still get tickets to the MLB game for H's birthday, maybe we can take the kids to that restaurant he likes that's a block from the stadium....oh yea, what am I making for dinner tonight?....

What I choose to share with H of that is "Hey, the garage door got fixed." If I shared with him the laundry list of other things that run through my head, I think he would find me frustrating. 

I choose not to share the rest because none of it is goal oriented. There are no action items for him. Sharing it with him leaves me open for his judgment "Why are you thinking about that now? Baseball isnt until the spring!" The idea of JUST listening is foriegn and uncomfortable and knowing that makes me hesitant. 

I might be overly sensitive because of my conditioning thru work (I've been party to quite a few of those water cooler discussions of oh listen to this thing about my spouse) so I just tuck it away until I know there is something that needs his input. Occasionally he gets angry because by the time that I share something with him, I've already been chewing on it for weeks or montjs and weighed all of the pros and cons and know how I want to move forward. Sometimes I see things as shades of grey and it takes me awhile to get to that yes or no decision. Whereas he doesn't see the need to spend that much time thinking over what he feels are easy problems to fix. So I haven't found a solution.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

My issue isn't the blah, blah, blah effect. It is more the 'what she said vs the what she meant' effect.

Like saying it would be great to get the film put on the windows this weekend. Which really meant, please put the film on the windows this weekend.

I took it to mean that she was hoping to get this job done. She meant I was to do the job. Been married for over 25 years and I still get caught by this many times.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

kag123 said:


> For some reason it is something that hits me very personally - to feel uninteresting or even annoying to him when I speak - perhaps most other women don't feel that way. As a result I have become quite self conscious and choose to be very selective with how I speak to him and when I speak to him. I keep our conversation brief and to the point and only talk about things rooted in fact...such as did you get the mail today? Yes/no. I don't discuss feelings or concerns or worries with him. I keep those to myself. I've got a mind full of things that I keep to myself to avoid the blah blah blah mentioned here.


Do you believe this makes things better for you at all? I would expect it would piss you off to have to censor your words so as to stick to "just the facts, ma'am." WTF? Can you ever have a conversation with him that isn't just factual and short? That sounds really, really lonely. Might as well live by yourself if you can't speak freely in your own home to your own spouse.


> He has never specifically asked me to do this, I do it because it hurts like a knife to the chest when I see on his face that he is impatient or rolling his eyes or losing interest. I guess we all have our sensitivities and this is mine - to bore my spouse or to somehow come across to him as shallow, unintelligent, trivial...I avoid that at all costs.


I'm sorry, but your spouse sounds like an ass. If he has no interest in anything you say unless it's "the roofer came today, the estimate is on your desk," and rolls his eyes if you speak normally, what's the point? Why did he get married in the first place if it's not to share your thoughts and hopes and dreams and ideas and experiences as well as living space?



> The result though is a feeling of divide between us. At least on my end. I often feel that he doesn't truly know me or understand me at all because of how little I feel I can share with him about myself. But I think he is happy that I am "not like every other woman" (his words) so I keep on because I get small satisfaction out of his happiness.


I would feel like he doesn't know me and doesn't WANT to. I wouldn't be able to deal with this, and I'm sorry that you have to. 

Interpersonal relationships require a lot more than "just the facts, ma'am" to keep people connected. 

If I were a man reacting this way with my spouse, blah blah blah, sandwich, blah, blah I sure wouldn't be proud of myself. But I guess the blah blah guys stopped listening after my first words until I got to sandwich.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

I'm sorry MattMatt, what did you say?


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

I used to be interested in what my wife had to say until I realized that it was a one way street with her. Nothing turns you off faster than dealing with someone who expects you to hang on their every word, but treats your conversation as one of the many minor details of her life. 

It's the old "I have so much on my mind because I'm a multi-tasker" ruse. I've learned to walk away when I feel that she's not giving sufficient attention to what I'm saying, which is most of the time. Facebook and Amazon and worrying about future events that she can't control are much more important! 

I didn't consciously tune out because she does this. It was more of a natural reaction to being disrespected that way. After a while you stop respecting someone who doesn't return the respect. Took me too long to get to that point, but better late than never, I guess.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

This thread makes me chuckle. My wife and I both do this to each other sometimes. We've both been known to tell stories in "real time".


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

kag123 said:


> It's funny that you mentioned this because as a woman I am very sensitive to the fact that I can easily come off as annoying to my H if I give anything beyond the bare facts that he's looking for.
> 
> *For some reason it is something that hits me very personally - to feel uninteresting or even annoying to him when I speak - perhaps most other women don't feel that way. As a result I have become quite self conscious and choose to be very selective with how I speak to him and when I speak to him*. I keep our conversation brief and to the point and only talk about things rooted in fact...such as did you get the mail today? Yes/no. I don't discuss feelings or concerns or worries with him. I keep those to myself. I've got a mind full of things that I keep to myself to avoid the blah blah blah mentioned here.
> 
> ...


I can relate to this post not because my husband is like this..(actually I am with NoraJane on that account, this would bother me a great deal & probably pi$$ me off).. 

But I resonate with your post ...as I , too, am very sensitive to not wanting to BORE anyone, or talk too much.. I always look for signs that someone is engaged in the conversation.. if not, I will back away, ask them a question to change the subject to their liking... I have even asked outright if what I am saying is boring them..as I wouldn't want to do that. 

I have a couple GF's who , when you get them on the phone.. you know you are going to hear more than you probably care to ...I find myself putting them on speaker phone and trying to do 2 or 3 things at one time when they call.. so I understand not wanting to be on the other end of this...(if the other person is not asking questions, or giving some feedback, it's generally a sign they are not all that engaged).... I listen as best I can -to allow them to air out what they need to say though.. I do try to offer some constructive feedback ... 

In our Marriage... I tend to just give the highlights of the day..the juicy, anything important....if there is any humor to the day, this always gets shared.. and he too... 

But we DO talk about our feelings -pretty openly. I think my Husband is high on this bar for a man..but it's only with my asking *how he feels about things*... I've asked him many times over the yrs if I am "too much" -picking his brain, and he always tells me "NO"...he wouldn't change this about me... He's even said he likes the attention.. I've never felt he wasn't listening to me... 

If anything, I am more guilty of not hearing him at times.. generally this is when I am engrossed on a forum, in the middle of a post.... what he will do is say something completely outrageous & random to catch me off guard / to test if I am hearing him...like "I'll be stopping at the bar after work".. (something he NEVER does)..it may take me 30 seconds to realize "what did you say!?"... and he'll have this ..

Then other times he will be trying to tell me something.. and I'll be like .. "not right now, give me 5 minutes"... and he'll say in a higher voice..."Love Yooouuuu".. he's not mad or anything..he just takes me in stride.. he knows I *want* to hear him and give him my full attention..

These things always get me laughing...then I am all ears.. he is not really a big talker..the last thing I want to do is push his speaking up away... he NEVER EVER bores me.. 

Thinking about this.. I really enjoy how he deals with me when I am not paying as much attention as I should.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> If anything, I am more guilty of not hearing him at times.. generally this is when I am engrossed on a forum, in the middle of a post.... what he will do is say something completely outrageous & random to catch me off guard / to test if I am hearing him...like *"I'll be stopping at the bar after work"*.. (something he NEVER does)..it may take me 30 seconds to realize "what did you say!?"... and he'll have this ..
> 
> *Thinking about this.. I really enjoy how he deals with me when I am not paying as much attention as I should.*




You have a great guy there, SA!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It's hard to pay attention to someone when they don't have a filter on what's significant and what's noise. Most of what my wife says out loud is little more then her comforting herself, saying something to vent or make herself feel better. Alternatively she's not a very good communicator - one of those people I'm sure you know who are TERRIBLE at conveying an actual coherent linear idea. You'd be hard pressed to listen to her for a half hour and piece together what on earth she's talking about - did you even meet someone who simply CAN'T tell a joke? Like that.

I am also convinced that what she thinks she says is different from what comes out. Today she ran off to a meeting at 10am, I commented that I thought her appointment was 4pm. She of course accused me of not listening to her. Apparently neither does her calender, her phone or my calendar either since that's what we all agree - it was written down as 4pm. Who knows maybe at some point she said 10am. Probably I wasn't in the room.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> LOVE this!! :rofl:
> 
> You mean something like THIS, Wolf? Blah blah blah blah blah blah _BJ_ blah blah blah blah blah blah _new convertible for your birthday_ blah blah blah blah blah blah _beer and wings_ blah blah blah blah....
> 
> :lol:


Yes..... Some are born with with but I worked it over time. And I don't hear blah blah I hear wa wa wa. Sounds exactly like what the teacher in Charlie Brown cartoon sounds like


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

marduk said:


> Our problem is that we have profoundly different communication styles.
> 
> She's a story teller. In order for her to tell me if the guy came to fix the garage doors, she'll have to tell me what she had for breakfast, what her friends on Facebook were saying, and what she was wearing before she gets to the part where the guy came to fix the damn doors or not.
> 
> ...


Oh. I married her sister!


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

*Re: Re: "You never listen to me!" AKA the blah, blah, blah effect*



VermisciousKnid said:


> I used to be interested in what my wife had to say until I realized that it was a one way street with her. Nothing turns you off faster than dealing with someone who expects you to hang on their every word, but treats your conversation as one of the many minor details of her life.
> 
> It's the old "I have so much on my mind because I'm a multi-tasker" ruse. I've learned to walk away when I feel that she's not giving sufficient attention to what I'm saying, which is most of the time. Facebook and Amazon and worrying about future events that she can't control are much more important!
> 
> I didn't consciously tune out because she does this. It was more of a natural reaction to being disrespected that way. After a while you stop respecting someone who doesn't return the respect. Took me too long to get to that point, but better late than never, I guess.


Listening is one of the hardest skills to learn. I had a hard time learning it and I am still working at it. My brain tends to fire faster than the pace of the conversation, and I am guilty of thinking of what I want to say as a reply instead of truly listening. I have had to train myself to actually pause my thoughts, fully listen to make sure I don't miss anything, mentally repeat back what that person said and THEN reply. Unfortunately it wasn't any of my personal relationships that spurred me to do this, it was my career. I got into management and all of the personnel issues that come with it and realized I wasn't a good listener and decided I needed to get better at it. 

I try to do this with my H, too. That is when he chooses to speak. He's quite the introvert. It's just how he is. 

I am also 10000% guilty of saying things and not conveying what I actually meant. I can come off sounding blunt or rude when I don't intend to be that way. 

Anyway - something that my H and I struggle with is probably a common man vs. woman problem. The things that I find interesting to focus on, he doesn't and vice versa. I will ask him about his day and he will spout out some technical details about the project he's working on. (Luckily we work in similar fields or else I would be totally lost. He has no concept of the fact that he speaks almost entirely in industry "jargon" that an avg person would not understand.) Sometimes it takes effort for me to pay attention because its just boring! I want to know what he's into of course but don't need to be given the 100 pg specs on a specific project. 

I am a typical woman. The things that stick out to me in a typical day are my interactions with people, something funny that happened with a coworker, a problem I'm having with an employee, an irritating conversation with my boss. He has pretty much no interest in hearing these things. He probably finds them just as boring as I find his specs. 

I don't think he's a bad guy (I also don't think I'm a better-than-him woman)...I think we are just different. It's just navigating that space that I find difficult. I have pretty much zero interest in asking him to listen to me talk when I know he'd rather be doing something else. "I want him to WANT to do it."....we all know how that works out? So my solution is...forget about it. And yep, it's pretty lonely at times!


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## code20 (Feb 5, 2014)

I am so happy that my h no longer travels for work. He felt that we had to talk on the phone for at least half an hour each night. I would run out of stuff to say by wednesday. He would tell me in minute detail about everthing he ate, what time, what restaurant, how much he tipped. I am sure you are bored just reading this. He would get pretty annoyed when he caught me spacing out! Thank god he's not as boring in person, just on the phone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'd like to chime in as a former Blah-Blah-Blah'er. My husband didn't hold up his end of the marriage. When I wanted or needed to discuss any emotionally-laden issues, I got a stare. Or vague responses.

In my panic - and I WOULD start to panic while attempting to discuss something with a mute - I would go on and on in the attempt to get some closure/response/reaction.

I finally learned to be succinct, short, and direct.

A perfect example was when I needed a drive to the doctor's office because I was facing the possibility of getting a breast cancer diagnosis. He was wallowing in one of his I'll-be-pissed-today-but-not-tell-her-why sessions.

As he sat eating breakfast, I informed him I was off to run a few errands and then to my doctor's appointment.

His response? "Well, just because I'm pi$$ed at you, doesn't mean I won't take you to the doctor's."

My response? "No, thanks. I'd be uncomfortable having you with me."

End of discussion. And he almost fell out of the chair. 

At that point, I kept it short and too the point. I still do, even when he attempts to bait me into some useless, circuitous conversation.

The games that amuse an alcoholic no longer amuse me.


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## gadzooks (Sep 5, 2012)

Experienced this tonight as I was trying to have conversation with husband who is trolling for women online. I can see what he is posting and he is doing it while I'm talking. I just have to keep my mouth shut about it for a few more days. I thought I was numb to it but it turns out I'm not.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Some of our neighbor wives can talk people's ears off. I can totally relate to OP/Co workers if that was the case.

Personally, my wife doesn't......so it's much easier to listen to EVERYTHING she has got to say.

We go up and beyond not to get into small talk with our neighbors.....both of us hehe

So little bit of advice for ladies out there/and men as well. The more you talk, the less important your words become and easier it is for people to tune it all out.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

DoF said:


> Some of our neighbor wives can talk people's ears off. I can totally relate to OP/Co workers if that was the case.
> 
> Personally, my wife doesn't......so it's much easier to listen to EVERYTHING she has got to say.
> 
> ...


Well second that and also say many men , myself included, respond better when being talked to instead of being talked at


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> Well second that and also say many men , myself included, respond better when being talked to instead of being talked at


And there is that too....


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

DoF said:


> So little bit of advice for ladies out there/and men as well. The more you talk, the less important your words become and easier it is for people to tune it all out.


Key points are best imo, trivial information that's in between the key points makes me tune out.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Something I've found odd is that people tend to say that "men don't like to talk", but actually...men just don't like to *listen* to other people talk.

Men DO love to talk. *About themselves*.

Get a man on a roll talking about himself, his past, his career, or anything that interests him...and yeah, I need my blah blah blah ear plugs sooner than later. They can go on for hours and then wonder why YOU aren't interested in hearing about how they won the x,y,z trophy in high school or how they saw on a,b,c channel a show about how something is made. The trivial details of their OWN lives fascinate them...yet they think this is something only women are guilty of.


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## Big Dude (Feb 24, 2013)

Runs like Dog said:


> It's hard to pay attention to someone when they don't have a filter on what's significant and what's noise. Most of what my wife says out loud is little more then her comforting herself, saying something to vent or make herself feel better.


If I showed my wife this post she would bet a paycheck that I had written it. 

Here's where I differ from many of the men on this thread. I don't hear "blah blah" or "wah wah." I hear the twittering of sparrows and a gurgling mountain stream. The meaningless jibbering of my wife is a pleasant background noise in my life. More than anything else, it is what I miss when she is away.

She knows on some level that I am not paying attention to her most of the time, but she also knows I find the sound of her prattling voice beautiful. So when she needs for me to pay attention to something important, she just grabs my chin and directs my face towards hers, and says "this is important." I then give her my undivided attention. Works for us.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

kag123 said:


> It's funny that you mentioned this because as a woman I am very sensitive to the fact that I can easily come off as annoying to my H if I give anything beyond the bare facts that he's looking for.
> 
> For some reason it is something that hits me very personally - to feel uninteresting or even annoying to him when I speak - perhaps most other women don't feel that way. As a result I have become quite self conscious and choose to be very selective with how I speak to him and when I speak to him. I keep our conversation brief and to the point and only talk about things rooted in fact...such as did you get the mail today? Yes/no. I don't discuss feelings or concerns or worries with him. I keep those to myself. I've got a mind full of things that I keep to myself to avoid the blah blah blah mentioned here.
> 
> ...


I'm really glad you wrote this KAG, because that is exactly what I did in my marriage and didn't realize I was doing it. And I felt exactly like you - he doesn't know me or understand me because he's not interested in hearing the things that are meaningful to me. 

And my ex and I had the same issue talking about our day. He wanted to talk about this piece of technical work and I wanted to talk about human interaction. No advice, but glad to hear that I'm not the only one who has experienced this. 

I like Marduk's advice kind of - to get to the point and THEN have a talk about emotions but...to me, somehow it's not satisfying. If, in general, he glazes over about ANY talk about human interaction, separating that conversation from the practical stuff doesn't help. 

Here's another thought - personality type. In the Myers-Briggs system there are Sensors and Intuitors. Sensing-type people are more interested in the here and now, physical world (trees). Intuitors tend to be more abstract and are more interested in meaning (forest). They say that when these types marry, trouble ensues, even more so than when an introvert marries and extrovert. You just don't see the world the same way.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

firebelly1 said:


> I like Marduk's advice kind of - to get to the point and THEN have a talk about emotions but...to me, somehow it's not satisfying. If, in general, he glazes over about ANY talk about human interaction, separating that conversation from the practical stuff doesn't help.


What drives me insane is that every conversation has to be about emotion and context.

Some information is just general keep the household trucking along type stuff. Or some stuff is urgent...

What really drives me insane though is the "we need to talk" call, then she won't talk until I get home, then it's a 30 minute context setting conversation to get to whatever happened.

All the time I'm worried that our kid busted a leg or something.

She just will not get to "we need to talk about X when you get home."


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

marduk said:


> What drives me insane is that every conversation has to be about emotion and context.
> 
> Some information is just general keep the household trucking along type stuff. Or some stuff is urgent...
> 
> ...


I get what you're saying - and I think at some point in my marriage I realized the value of getting to the point sooner than later in order to be heard. But I kind of see her side too - if I feel like I have to give a lot of context, especially if preceded by "we need to talk" it usually means that I'm afraid of the other person's reaction. (Although I NEVER said "we need to talk" because I knew that was almost a guarantee that my H would shut down.)


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

Very insightful posts about communication styles here. In our marriage my husband is the talker while I am the listener. Sometimes I get weary hearing so many details from him, but I view it as an act of love to tolerate his need to tell me everything. Much better than the alternative of not feeling connected to me!


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## Template (Aug 2, 2011)

I find this topic interesting. For many women, talking and expressing emotion to their SO is very important and validating within the relationship. It can be as important to them feeling close to their SO as sex is to their SO. And yet, many of the comments here are dismissive of that need or do not recognize it at all. If a woman is treated as though what she is saying is not important or is actually annoying, she does not feel valued or respected. In addition, some of the comments, even from the women, state that the woman should tailor her talk to better fit the listening style of her SO, despite the fact that by doing that, she does not get what she needs from speaking with him and feels alone or rejected personally. So, I guess my question is one I hear from the men so often…..you can't just spend 20 minutes a day (sometimes multiple times a day) to make your SO happy? Women are supposed to have sex whenever the HD person (most times the man) desires and to really get into it, not give duty sex or give it as a gift just to make the man happy. The man can tell and it diminishes his pleasure. How come men can't respectfully and lovingly listen to what their wives have to say? Why is it OK to dismiss her need to talk as blah blah blah blah but expect her to meet his need with sincerity and the utmost love and attention? Why does her style require modification to meet his listening style and temperament? Would he like it if she told him he needed to modify his style to just one sex position, no oral, no foreplay, no kissing? Just get right to it, get to the point and get it done because she has better, more interesting things to do. I am pretty sure the man would not find that kind of sex very fulfilling or intimate. 
What is good for the gander is good for the goose.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Template said:


> I find this topic interesting. For many women, talking and expressing emotion to their SO is very important and validating within the relationship. It can be as important to them feeling close to their SO as sex is to their SO. And yet, many of the comments here are dismissive of that need or do not recognize it at all. If a woman is treated as though what she is saying is not important or is actually annoying, she does not feel valued or respected. In addition, some of the comments, even from the women, state that the woman should tailor her talk to better fit the listening style of her SO, despite the fact that by doing that, she does not get what she needs from speaking with him and feels alone or rejected personally. So, I guess my question is one I hear from the men so often…..you can't just spend 20 minutes a day (sometimes multiple times a day) to make your SO happy? Women are supposed to have sex whenever the HD person (most times the man) desires and to really get into it, not give duty sex or give it as a gift just to make the man happy. The man can tell and it diminishes his pleasure. How come men can't respectfully and lovingly listen to what their wives have to say? Why is it OK to dismiss her need to talk as blah blah blah blah but expect her to meet his need with sincerity and the utmost love and attention? Why does her style require modification to meet his listening style and temperament? Would he like it if she told him he needed to modify his style to just one sex position, no oral, no foreplay, no kissing? Just get right to it, get to the point and get it done because she has better, more interesting things to do. I am pretty sure the man would not find that kind of sex very fulfilling or intimate.
> What is good for the gander is good for the goose.


You have missed the point. It was not gender specific. We realised that wives tuned out their husbands, husbands tuned out their wives.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

*Re: Re: "You never listen to me!" AKA the blah, blah, blah effect*



Template said:


> I find this topic interesting. For many women, talking and expressing emotion to their SO is very important and validating within the relationship. It can be as important to them feeling close to their SO as sex is to their SO. And yet, many of the comments here are dismissive of that need or do not recognize it at all. If a woman is treated as though what she is saying is not important or is actually annoying, she does not feel valued or respected. In addition, some of the comments, even from the women, state that the woman should tailor her talk to better fit the listening style of her SO, despite the fact that by doing that, she does not get what she needs from speaking with him and feels alone or rejected personally. So, I guess my question is one I hear from the men so often…..you can't just spend 20 minutes a day (sometimes multiple times a day) to make your SO happy? Women are supposed to have sex whenever the HD person (most times the man) desires and to really get into it, not give duty sex or give it as a gift just to make the man happy. The man can tell and it diminishes his pleasure. How come men can't respectfully and lovingly listen to what their wives have to say? Why is it OK to dismiss her need to talk as blah blah blah blah but expect her to meet his need with sincerity and the utmost love and attention? Why does her style require modification to meet his listening style and temperament? Would he like it if she told him he needed to modify his style to just one sex position, no oral, no foreplay, no kissing? Just get right to it, get to the point and get it done because she has better, more interesting things to do. I am pretty sure the man would not find that kind of sex very fulfilling or intimate.
> What is good for the gander is good for the goose.


I can only answer for myself, but for me the key is back to - I don't want him to do it (listen/interact) to make me happy. I want it to be genuine. I want him to listen to me because he wants to, because he enjoys it. And that's not going to happen by me pushing the issue with him. I see this same dilemma in the sex forum. It's not the same when you know they are just doing it for you and not getting anything out of it. 

So I don't ask. I would never ask. I tailor my life to accept that this is a need that he doesn't have and that I made a commitment to him despite whatever traits he is lacking and that I will honor that commitment. It's lonely, yes. But there are a lot of other good things we have together and that's what I try to focus on.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I always had the same response when I got the "were you even listening?"

Me: "of course! Something about a bar b que and steaks! I hear everything you say"


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Template said:


> I find this topic interesting. For many women, talking and expressing emotion to their SO is very important and validating within the relationship. It can be as important to them feeling close to their SO as sex is to their SO. And yet, many of the comments here are dismissive of that need or do not recognize it at all. If a woman is treated as though what she is saying is not important or is actually annoying, she does not feel valued or respected. In addition, some of the comments, even from the women, state that the woman should tailor her talk to better fit the listening style of her SO, despite the fact that by doing that, she does not get what she needs from speaking with him and feels alone or rejected personally. So, I guess my question is one I hear from the men so often…..you can't just spend 20 minutes a day (sometimes multiple times a day) to make your SO happy? Women are supposed to have sex whenever the HD person (most times the man) desires and to really get into it, not give duty sex or give it as a gift just to make the man happy. The man can tell and it diminishes his pleasure. How come men can't respectfully and lovingly listen to what their wives have to say? Why is it OK to dismiss her need to talk as blah blah blah blah but expect her to meet his need with sincerity and the utmost love and attention? Why does her style require modification to meet his listening style and temperament? Would he like it if she told him he needed to modify his style to just one sex position, no oral, no foreplay, no kissing? Just get right to it, get to the point and get it done because she has better, more interesting things to do. I am pretty sure the man would not find that kind of sex very fulfilling or intimate.
> What is good for the gander is good for the goose.


There are some ways in which a woman should tailor her way of speaking to accommodate a man's way of listening because it's to her advantage - he is more likely to hear her. He asks "Did the water heater get fixed?" and she can say "Yes," knowing he's seeking a yes or no. But I for one think you are SO right about a woman needing a man to listen. If there's a story around the water heater getting fixed and she wants to tell it, after she gives him the "yes" or "no" he's seeking, she wants him to listen attentively to her story and empathize. Cuz that's why she tells him stories. 

A man who gets that and could do that - awesome. A man who tries to appear like he's listening because he knows that's what his wife wants - well, he deserves some credit but ultimately it feels like duty sex and I don't want that. I want to be truly understood.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

kag123 said:


> I can only answer for myself, but for me the key is back to - I don't want him to do it (listen/interact) to make me happy. I want it to be genuine. I want him to listen to me because he wants to, because he enjoys it. And that's not going to happen by me pushing the issue with him. I see this same dilemma in the sex forum. It's not the same when you know they are just doing it for you and not getting anything out of it.
> 
> So I don't ask. I would never ask. I tailor my life to accept that this is a need that he doesn't have and that I made a commitment to him despite whatever traits he is lacking and that I will honor that commitment. It's lonely, yes. But there are a lot of other good things we have together and that's what I try to focus on.


Your story makes me really sad. Sometimes we are lonelier in a relationship than when we are single and that sounds like you and me when I was in my marriage. Ours is a cautionary tale - I'm going to take it as lesson to myself that next time around I really only want a man who is genuinely interested in hearing what I genuinely want to say.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Interesting related article:

Attractiveness: Men, Women and Responsiveness - TIME


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