# Second Time is So Much Worse, No Support



## gauge (Jun 16, 2014)

I am very glad I found this site and have read and gained a lot of info. My story is so embarrassing and horrible I am so ashamed. My first marriage lasted 13 years and the best thing is my now 12 year old son. Ex was a decent person for the first 6 years then became a poster child for don't do drugs. He became violent and that was it. Quick healing process and great counseling.

Here is the huge problem. Met husband number two 4 years after I divorced. He had divorced 2 years prior from a long unhappy marriage similar to mine but he had no children but two adult stepchildren. We were in love and he was the perfect guy. For two and a half years he treated me like a queen and my son like his own. He was not close with any of his family and seemed to have "bad luck" with his past. Boy was I stupid. 

About 7 months ago he started acting stressed and we began arguing over his lack of concern and too much time working. he would show interest one week then preoccupation the next. One weekend he was working and I couldn't get in touch with him for several hours after he was supposed to be at a game for my son. He made up a work excuse. I checked phone records and discovered texts to two different women. Long story short, he was busted, admitted it, we went to counselling. I was so stupid for not seeing the signs. Things were better for about a month then he started accusations against me and his moodiness returned. One morning I grabbed his cell phone and found emails back and forth from a few hook up sites from both men and women. I kicked him out and it did not go well. 

We would talk and he kept saying how he had unresolved issues from his childhood and needed severe mental help. I agreed and wanted to be supportive during the separation. I went to counselling and he kept saying he was getting help as soon as work allowed the time. He sent a long email 2 weeks ago saying how much he loved me and there was no other woman/man and he was getting help for all of us and the pain he caused. 3 days later I get info from a friend that discovered his profile on FB and he was engaged to someone 2 weeks before I kicked him out! He tried to continue his lies then blamed it all on me. He filed yesterday at my request and he will essentially be leaving with nothing but the clothes on his back. No, this does not make me happy but vengeance was never my motive. 

Sorry for the long post. I'm embarrassed, devastated, hurt...all the typical feelings. What I will never forgive myself for is allowing this person around my kid. He is actually handling it quite well but I am not. I have no family and the few work friends that know the situation are all in shock as i am.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

You've done well in handling the situation from a practical point of view. The emotional downturn is only natural and a MUST for healing. 

It's hard to label any divorce as 'shocking'. Once you gain your hindsight, you'll realize it wasn't necessarily you not seeing the signs, rather it was you purposely ignoring the signs 'hoping' for them to disappear. It seldom works that way.

Let yourself feel the phases. You'll experience shock, anger, depression and all sorts of nasty days. There's nothing wrong or surprising about that. Try to use this as a learning experience and grow from it.

You'll be fine. Use your anger as motivation and remember: Marriage is a very overrated concept these days. Don't get all worked up about getting divorced and being single. It's got its own set of advantages to being in a marriage. Embrace them until you meet someone that feels 'right'. Even then, continue to hold onto your individuality. It's your most valuable asset in life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I know it's hard.

How long have you been married to him?

Sadly, it's not uncommon for people to put on a good face while they are dating, even if its dating for years. Then once married the "rest of the story" emerges. 

Do you know why his previous marriage failed? I'll bet it had a lot to do with his acting out in this same way.

I hope you have gone to the doctor to be checked for STDs. Sounds like he was involved in high risk behavior.

I wonder if you can find a group for divorcing/divorced women in your area. Year ago (1996) during my divorce from my son's father I met the woman who is to this day my best friend. 

What is your social life like? What are you doing to get your life back?


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## gauge (Jun 16, 2014)

Thank you so much for the feedback. We were married 6 years. Yes, I was tested immediately. And yes, hindsight is 20/20. When I saw through his lies about previous relationships I realized he has always been this way. you are so right about the hope. It was the false hope he gave my son and I that hurts so badly.

I have a great job and I am very active with my 13 y/o son's activities. I have no other family and very few friends because I slowly allowed him to push them away. My son and I are both in counseling.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

So sorry you are in such pain, but honestly you sound like you are handling this all pretty well. You don't say you have crawled into bed and pulled up the covers. You are remaining active with your son. You have your finances in order. You are taking care of your emotional needs and those of your son. Sweetie, you know how long it takes some of us to get to just that point?

Of course he blamed you, because facing reality would require that he take responsibility for his actions and he is not ready or willing to do that. He may never be. Now its time for you to work on you. Maybe there were scars from the first relationship that you never really got over, and H2 seemed like what you wanted. Maybe there were signs you chose not to see? These are things you can explore in counseling. 
Keep doing what your are doing!


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I don't see what is embarrassing about your post. I have heard much

worse on TAM and one on one interaction. If his behavior has been

around long enough to kill two Ms, it is a good bet, he has went 

through some form of trauma years ago. Something from his 

formative years..... It was admirable you tried to help him during 

the separation. In some ways, you want to know if it was 

something from his past that 'played a role' in his actions but

being concerned for his well-being does not mean you want him

back


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## gauge (Jun 16, 2014)

Thank you all. Yes, I am handling the basics well but it still hurts so bad. The feeling of being worthless is the worst. I know it gets better with time and work but the here and now really sucks. The type of job I do causes me to see the worst that humanity does to one another. It plain sucks. When it happens to you no matter how prepared you are it hits hard.


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