# Scared to make wrong decision



## regretfulwife0405 (Jun 19, 2012)

I will try to keep this as condensed as I can considering the subject matter. 
My husband and I have been together for 12 years and have a 9 year old daughter. For the past 5-6 years we have been very disconnected. I made the horrible mistake of having an affair and my husband inevitably found out. He was devastated but decided he wanted to stay with me and I was so guilt stricken that I swore I was going to use this "second chance" to make my marriage work.
It has been 7 months since everything came out, and I feel like we are right back to where we were before. I am starting to think that maybe the only reason I decided to try to make things work was out of guilt. I don't feel like I am in love with him anymore but I am terrified of making the wrong decision. I don't want to hurt our daughter either. I know that we both hold her interests first. We do not communicate well, and I am not sure how I can bring up the topic of divorce. I know that this post is a bit disjointed but that's how my thoughts are at the moment. I just wanted to see if anyone had a similar experience that they could share or even some advice. I just feel so helpless right now.


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Regretful, our stories are oddly similar in some ways and complete opposite in others. I have been married to my husband for 12 years and have a 9 year old son. He had an affair 5 years ago, and I found out about it one week after moving away from all of my family and a darn good job. So, there I was 400 miles from home with no job, nowhere to live, and a confession lying in my lap. I don't know why he ended up deciding to stay with me after professing his love for the other woman. Duty? Guilt? I'm still not sure. Nor am I sure why I fought so hard to save the marriage. Duty? Fear? I couldn't tell you. 

In the interim, he's endured five or six surgeries and has been declared disabled. We were together for three years before we got married, so we've got 15 years invested in this relationship. Like you, though, I am no longer in love with him. 

I have determined that I'm primarily hanging in there, at this point, for the sake of our son. I don't hate my husband, though I realize the opposite of love is not hate. It's apathy. That's kind of where I'm at. 

I have been dragging my husband to marriage counseling, even though he's not a fan. I've purchased books for both of us to read, even though he says he probably won't read them. I feel like I have to try, though, for our son's sake.

You have to decide for yourself whether you want to try to save the marriage. If you do, I would suggest that you try to get into marriage counseling as soon as possible. Even before that, though, you owe it to him to have a very open, honest discussion with him about how you feel. 

I wish you the very best of luck,
Mattsmom


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Did you two try marriage counseling after the affair? You two need to learn to communicate before you can rebuild intimacy, both emotional, then physical. Since you don't mention MC, I suggest you sit him down and say you really want this to work, you feel you are right back where you were before the the affair and that in order to get to the bottom of your issues, you think a counselor could really help. Ask him if he would like to choose one with you and if you set an appointment, is he willing to come. If he says no, go anyway, come home and tell him what you learned and ask again. If he still refuses then you know that he doesn't want to salvage the relationship, you can state that you want a divorce and you want it to be amicable and put the kids first.

Rip the bandaid off. No tiptoeing around it.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

PS after reading Matt's Mom's post...

I still think staying for the kids might give a child access to two parents but it sets a poor example of loving, open communication. I don't think it serves any positive purpose for children.


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

EnjoliWoman,

Turns out, I have trouble taking my own advice. I agree that you have to show a good example for your kids, otherwise, you're going to perpetuate bad relationships. I want better than that for my son, and I'm sure that Regretfulwife does, as well. I still believe that Regretful should have an open discussion with her husband about how she feels, either way.

Thanks!
Mattsmom


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## some_guy_mn (Mar 4, 2013)

I'm in a similar boat. No affairs here tho. We've grown appart (or at least I have) and I'd just rather not be married. I want to be more independent than I can be while married. I don't hate my wife infact I do care for her and want her to have what she wants instead of having her compromise disproportionately just to make me happy. Have two great kids (one boy one girl) and hope we can divorce peacefully and successfully co-parent. 

So far my opinion of the kids factor in divorce... isn't exactly mainstream. I agree that kids are at more risk, in general, for having emotional and behavioral problems. I've read enough so agree with that. What the articles and advice don't seem to do is QUANTIFY the additional risk. Its probably hard given all the different situations but I'm convinced that if both parents can be amicable and can actually co-parent that the kids can be just fine in the long run. Putting the kids thru divorce doesn't inherently mean they will be screwed up.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Theres really so FEW decent marriage counselors out there, we finally found one that is great and deals with touch/talk/action and gives homework. I'm afraid its prob too late in our case, but if there we more like this one, a lot more marriages could be saved.

Moral of the story is don't settle for the first one you find, search until you find one that fits the goals you want to have.


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