# Divorced WW but have ?'s



## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

So our divorce was final a few months back. She was in a lta I found out and filed. I got 50/50 shared custody, no child support, I keep my debt and she keeps hers. We split assets 50/50. My question is why didn't she try and screw me over like so many do? I mean she is in bad shape financially so I thought for sure she would try to get me to pay. Could the guilt of throwing her family to the wolves actually haunt her? Just looking for some insight and outside opinions cause it seems this almost never happens.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

I've been studying divorce for a few years now and I will say a case yours is _rare_. Very rare.

You probably don't want to hear this, but I have to give your WW some credit for doing the right thing and not doing what the vast majority do- go for the jugular when it comes to assets, custody, alimony, and child support.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Chances are Dawg she wanted you gone so bad she sweetened the pot to expedite the divorce.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If the affair was still going on during the divorce then I'm guessing the OM will be taking care of her . So why fight for something she may already have. Since this was a lta I'm sure things were already planned out and there was no need to draw out the d any longer then necessary.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

theexpendable said:


> So our divorce was final a few months back. She was in a lta I found out and filed. I got 50/50 shared custody, no child support, I keep my debt and she keeps hers. We split assets 50/50. My question is why didn't she try and screw me over like so many do? I mean she is in bad shape financially so I thought for sure she would try to get me to pay. Could the guilt of throwing her family to the wolves actually haunt her? Just looking for some insight and outside opinions cause it seems this almost never happens.


Is it a possibility that she expected her AP to help her financially? Sometimes a WW will not seek child support/alimony because she will assume (wrongly) that she has a future with the AP. It's all part of the "fog".


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It may seem odd but there are actually a lot of cases where the woman has left with nothing. There are also those stories on TAM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> It may seem odd but there are actually a lot of cases where the woman has left with nothing. There are also those stories on TAM.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No there isn't. I've never seen one. Important note:
women often _claim_ they've been left with nothing when they haven't.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

My stbxww signed an agreement saying she wouldn't go after alimony. Child support isn't up to the parents here - it's a government regulated thing based on income, so I pay her $1300 a month. She knows I'm getting a raise and claims she's not going to ask for more child support even though she's entitled to it. We'll see.

For her, it's a guilt thing. She keeps saying how sorry she is for what she did and doesn't want to hurt me any more. Again, we'll see, but the agreement is signed, and binding.

There are some WW that have enough guilt they don't want to cause further anguish to their BS. Extremely rare I reckon, though.


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## Confundido (Feb 11, 2014)

My wife really didn’t fight for anything in the divorce either. I make a lot more and have more assets. She really could have screwed me if she wanted too and to top it all off I got I got her fried with her AP. Yet, she was very fair I also have 50/50 custody, no child support. Although I did agree to continue to pay the mortgage until it’s paid off. 

In my wife’s case her main reason was probably guilt, family pressure and she still wants to reconcile.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Confundido said:


> My wife really didn’t fight for anything in the divorce either. I make a lot more and have more assets. She really could have screwed me if she wanted too and to top it all off I got I got her fried with her AP. Yet, she was very fair I also have 50/50 custody, no child support. Although I did agree to continue to pay the mortgage until it’s paid off.
> 
> In my wife’s case her main reason was probably guilt, family pressure and she still wants to reconcile.


Wait a second…she gets to live in your house that you are paying for, and you think that is fair?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I didn't screw my ex hb our divorce either, and since I had nothing to feel guilty about that had nothing to do with it. I'm just not vindictive, and I simply didn't want to be married to him, I didn't want to ruin his life. I stayed home with the kids and worked part time, which I used to buy us equal IRA's. I also did some stock trading, which paid off his car and bought nice furniture (among other things) that he kept. He accrued military retirement, which I waived even though I was entitled to a chunk and had none myself. I also waived alimony, because I'm not interested in having someone else support me. We had no debt because I handled money well, and eventually he bought me out of our house for a very good price, and we split the other assets. He does pay child support, because that's not for me. He left our marriage much better off then he came into it. Yet another example of how the man didn't get screwed financially, not that I expect this to impact men that are convinced they do. And he was a real d!ck.about everything, so I could've been nasty. But I wasn't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

In my case, I had hopes for reconciliation but never materialized. We signed a separation agreement that I would not go after alimony, he would keep the stock (if we decided to sell, we would need both signatures), he kept his 401K, I kept mine. He kept house, with everything in it.

We had no children, so no need for child support. When I left, I took my clothes my books, my memories. Just what I could pack in the trunk of my sedan (that I am paying for).

I did not want to screw him, I have a feeling he will need the money more than I would. I am still struggling to get settle, but even now I do not wish anything else from him.

Materialistic things always made him happy, who am I to judge? I have always liked a simpler life.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Confundido said:


> In my wife’s case her main reason was probably guilt, family pressure and she still wants to reconcile.


I think mine still holds onto faint hope of R as well. I still get lots of "I still love you" and "I miss you" and "I'll never love another like you" texts. She's got a new, slightly more respectable job and seems to be trying to be a better person.

It just can't happen though.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

ne9907 said:


> In my case, I had hopes for reconciliation but never materialized. We signed a separation agreement that I would not go after alimony, he would keep the stock (if we decided to sell, we would need both signatures), he kept his 401K, I kept mine. He kept house, with everything in it.
> 
> We had no children, so no need for child support. When I left, I took my clothes my books, my memories. Just what I could pack in the trunk of my sedan (that I am paying for).
> 
> ...


Are you the WS?


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

If you filed and divorced quickly, she was probably still LaLa Land with her AP and thought everything would turn out fine. 

My SIL has told my BIL, "You can have the house and I won't go after your retirement or child support" but she's still in the fog with her OM. My husband and I have told him over and over to file NOW, get the divorce done already but he won't do it. He still thinks she might come back.


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## Confundido (Feb 11, 2014)

wilderness said:


> Wait a second…she gets to live in your house that you are paying for, and you think that is fair?


I see as more of a long term investment. The house will still remain in both your names and when it’s finished being paid off my wife will either put it up for sale or she will have to buy me out. This way I should be able to get a nice chunk of money back. I also have things in place and guide lines we both have to follow. No wins in a divorce your best bet is to try to minimize your losses and right now this makes the most sense.

Another reason why I wanted her to keep the house is because her parents where the ones who put up the down payment and out of respect of her parents I wanted her to stay with the house.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Healer said:


> Are you the WS?


No. He had several EAs. His actions messed up with my head a lot to the point that I just want him to be happy, truly happy. 

Even now, after being in TAM for a while, I think that there must have been some sort of disconnect on my part for him to engage in EAs.

I have chosen to move on, and not dwell on anything anymore.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Confundido said:


> I see as more of a long term investment. The house will still remain in both your names and when it’s finished being paid off my wife will either put it up for sale or she will have to buy me out. This way I should be able to get a nice chunk of money back. I also have things in place and guide lines we both have to follow. No wins in a divorce your best bet is to try to minimize your losses and right now this makes the most sense.
> 
> Another reason why I wanted her to keep the house is because her parents where the ones who put up the down payment and out of respect of her parents I wanted her to stay with the house.


Dude, that's a horribly misguided argument you just made. You are getting totally screwed. Here is why:

1. You fail to account for the double bubble of the utility of actually _living_ in the house. That's worth a great deal. Your wife gets it for _free._ Not only do you not get it, you've lost it AND you have to pay for another place to live. Were you otherwise compensated for this loss of utility in your settlement? 

2. Does your mortgage payment include taxes and insurance? Those aren't investments, those are sunk costs. Were you otherwise compensated for those costs which incidentally are likely to rise over time?

3. Your 'investment' is an extremely risky one. What happens when the market tanks or goes into a protracted cyclical bear? You can't bail out as long as your wife lives there, correct? What happens if your wife gets sick, develops a drug problem, or otherwise decides she isn't going to maintain the property anymore? You have no recourse and no leverage if she chooses this path. You could very easily lose everything you are paying towards this, and worse yet, you aren't being compensated for the risk. 

4. So what if her parents put the downpayment down? You were not the one that put their money in harms way, she was. Let her pay her parents back for her lack of accountability if she so desires. Why should you be the one to take it on the chin as a result…that's nuts.

I think it's plain as day that this is a horrible deal. I point to this situation as exhibit A of people (even in some cases men) claiming that their exes were fair when they were really not.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

wilderness said:


> No there isn't. I've never seen one. Important note:
> women often _claim_ they've been left with nothing when they haven't.


You may have "never seen one" but to suggest it has neer happened is stereotyping every single divorce and putting every single divorce in the same box. Surely, you must know that no two divorces are the same. Also you contradict yourself here:



wilderness said:


> I've been studying divorce for a few years now and I will say a case yours is _rare_. Very rare.


Even by saying "it's rare" you are saying that it could happen.

The world isn't black and white, Wilderness.

I have read several stories here on TAM and seen them in real life where a woman in a divorce didn't try to screw the man over financially. Here is just one example:




ne9907 said:


> In my case, I had hopes for reconciliation but never materialized. We signed a separation agreement that I would not go after alimony, he would keep the stock (if we decided to sell, we would need both signatures), he kept his 401K, I kept mine. He kept house, with everything in it.
> 
> We had no children, so no need for child support. When I left, I took my clothes my books, my memories. Just what I could pack in the trunk of my sedan (that I am paying for).
> 
> I did not want to screw him, I have a feeling he will need the money more than I would. I am still struggling to get settle, but even now I do not wish anything else from him.


I think ScarletBe has a similar story? Unless I'm confusing her with someone else.

I have a relative who's husband was not the kindest man and she left the marital house, with only the clothes on her back, and never looked back. He tried to offer her some furniture and money and she told him no, she just wanted a divorce.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> You may have "never seen one" but to suggest it has neer happened is stereotyping every single divorce and putting every single divorce in the same box. Surely, you must know that no two divorces are the same. Also you contradict yourself here:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You are taking what I said out of context. When I said "I've never seen one", I was referring to a divorce in which the woman lost everything. I was not referring to fair divorces, which I have seen (but again, are rare).

I stand by what I said. I have never seen a divorce in which the woman lost everything. I'll expand on that and include a disclaimer- I'm referring to traditional divorces. Not a divorce in which the the woman was convicted for drug trafficking, she disappeared for a year and didn't show up for court…etc etc


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Is she in bad shape financially because she is irresponsible? If so, that might be your answer.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

theexpendable said:


> So our divorce was final a few months back. She was in a lta I found out and filed. I got 50/50 shared custody, no child support, I keep my debt and she keeps hers. We split assets 50/50. My question is why didn't she try and screw me over like so many do? I mean she is in bad shape financially so I thought for sure she would try to get me to pay. Could the guilt of throwing her family to the wolves actually haunt her? Just looking for some insight and outside opinions cause it seems this almost never happens.


I got the same sweetheart deal. The house too (though it's worth about the same as the mortgage balance.) I don't know what to think, I go back and forth. I'd like to think it was guilt and wanting the kids to be in the best situation possible but honestly, I just think it's for the same reason she cheated on me and blew up our family in the first place. 

That reason is because my ex is a complete IDIOT. I've over thought the whys to death and frankly sometimes the simplest answer is the right one... She was never the sharpest crayon in the pack even when I met her. Lesson learned I guess. Beauty isn't everything.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

theexpendable said:


> So the plan is to email all his coworkers and outline the affair that started at his workplace. I'll also be notifying his immediate family about the A as well. I think the two of them are just laying low right now but I don't really care anymore but would like him to face some consequences. Karma is too slow. Is it wrong to still feel this way?





theexpendable said:


> I know for a fact this guy cares more about his reputation than anything else. It's a small town so reputation is everything. Even if he feels embarassment or shame for 5 minutes after finding out that his entire workplace, friends, and family know what he's been doing for the last two years behind his wife and kids back.


I hope that you had already exposed this POS as you pretended, you were right a 2 years affair is not a mistake, and fot what I read in your post this man acts as if he is honest and honorable man while seducing another man's wife, is simply disgusting and pure hipocrecy.

If you have not done it yet, you can also mail his neighbors informing them to be careful about this man who have a taste for married women while faking being an honorable decent person.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

theexpendable said:


> So our divorce was final a few months back. She was in a lta I found out and filed. I got 50/50 shared custody, no child support, I keep my debt and she keeps hers. We split assets 50/50. My question is why didn't she try and screw me over like so many do? I mean she is in bad shape financially so I thought for sure she would try to get me to pay. Could the guilt of throwing her family to the wolves actually haunt her? Just looking for some insight and outside opinions cause it seems this almost never happens.


My first marriage only lasted a few years and no adultery on my part, nor his that I know of. He's the father of my oldest child (all of my kids are in their 20's now, married to current husband/WS for over 20 years). 

I didn't screw my ex husband over either, I just wanted out. He paid a reasonable amount of child support, had liberal visitation with our DD, and while we weren't best friends we got along pretty decent given the situation. I haven't spoken to him in 6 years since there has been no need, DD is an adult and on her own.

Although it's common to hear about people getting screwed financially in a divorce, not everyone is interested in doing so. I wouldn't have wasted the time/money it would have taken to put the screws to my ex. I wanted out, got out.....that's it. 

Maybe your WW just wanted out and you could be reading too much into it, hoping she feels guilty. Just be grateful she didn't mess you over $ wise.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

I also believe it's easy to think certain things "almost never happen" with others when they have happened to us. People tend to generalize to make sense of certain things. I can think of friends who have been through divorces and chose not to screw over their STBX's financially and/or with the kids. I can think of a lot of those types, actually. Sometimes adultery was involved too. Sometimes folks just want out. 

The reward I reaped by no longer being married to my ex far outweighed anything I could have taken from him materially. Not saying your WW feels like that but perhaps she does. Sometimes it really is that simple.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP, my xww gave me a good deal in the divorce process also- all things considered. She was sure her sugar daddy was going to leave his wife for her. It was all planned out and she couldn't get rid of me fast enough.

Fortunately for me, I hit the throttle on divorce also. Had it drug out and she realized that sugar daddy was going to leave her high and dry- then she would have most likely screwed me as much as possible.

Guilt or shame didn't have anything to do with it in my case.

That is one reason why I suggest for people to hit the gas and file when their WS has no remorse. You have a better chance of either waking up said wayward spouse or at least getting a better divorce deal when they are deep in the fog.

Post divorce, I am significantly better off financially than my XWW. Also, better off emotionally without her as well. I've actually met a nice woman who, at least so far, doesn't treat me as a free paycheck. 

All the best
WD


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

workindad said:


> OP, my xww gave me a good deal in the divorce process also- all things considered. She was sure her sugar daddy was going to leave his wife for her. It was all planned out and she couldn't get rid of me fast enough.
> 
> Fortunately for me, I hit the throttle on divorce also. Had it drug out and she realized that sugar daddy was going to leave her high and dry- then she would have most likely screwed me as much as possible.
> 
> ...


This very well could be the same as mine. They were still making plans to be together when I filed. Divorce was final within 4 months so I'm sure he was still lying to her about leaving his wife. He hasn't left yet by the way. I guess it's similar to the other thread where someone is asking if WS's hurt. As a BS it's like you just want to know that your WS is still human and has some moral code left after so much destruction.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

wilderness said:


> Wait a second…she gets to live in your house that you are paying for, and you think that is fair?


Well, the kids have to have somewhere to live when they stay with her. So why not the old family home?


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

wilderness said:


> Wait a second…she gets to live in your house that you are paying for, and you think that is fair?


You do not know the mortgage payment. How many years left of the loan. Then where does his kids live.

Paying mortgage can be better then CS and housing costs.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

theexpendable said:


> This very well could be the same as mine. They were still making plans to be together when I filed. Divorce was final within 4 months so I'm sure he was still lying to her about leaving his wife. He hasn't left yet by the way. I guess it's similar to the other thread where someone is asking if WS's hurt. As a BS it's like you just want to know that your WS is still human and has some moral code left after so much destruction.


The OM probably hasn't left his wife yet because he figured out how much in spousal and child support he will have to pay if he does. It's probably cheaper for him to keep your X on the side.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

theexpendable said:


> He hasn't left yet by the way.


Majority of the time they never do. Some women are just really gullible and besides who wants to stay married to someone that foolish anyway. If you fall for that line you're almost dangerously stupid.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

theexpendable said:


> This very well could be the same as mine. They were still making plans to be together when I filed. Divorce was final within 4 months so I'm sure he was still lying to her about leaving his wife. He hasn't left yet by the way. I guess it's similar to the other thread where someone is asking if WS's hurt. As a BS it's like you just want to know that your WS is still human and has some moral code left after so much destruction.


So your wife didn't get the POSOM to herself. Machiavelli once said that when a WW gets rejected by the AP, they sometimes react to the disappointment by becoming very promiscuious. Do you see your exWW going that road?

How do you exchange your child? Do you see each other or pick him up at daycare?

Has your wife's life become difficult. The small town gossip must be h€llish.

Does she put out feelers for R?


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

My ex did it in hopes that it would eventually lesson my son's anger when he learned why our family broke up.

Did not work.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

It is rare and you got lucky. We all wish it would go that well. The one person who divorced her husband years ago now walked away with just her posessions and she wanted nothing more.

Her reasoning was simple, it wasn’t his fault I wanted a different life. He pushed the divorce thru quickly and he helped her out after the divorce. The divorce happened 10+ years ago now and they still are very good friends both have remarried and children. BS has followed his plan and quite happy, WS spouse chased a dream, she is miserable in her current situation. She is also one of the rare ones who will willing says she made the biggest mistake of her life divorcing to begin with. She is not materialistic by nature so money etc just don’t have any great meaning to her.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> So your wife didn't get the POSOM to herself. Machiavelli once said that when a WW gets rejected by the AP, they sometimes react to the disappointment by becoming very promiscuious. Do you see your exWW going that road?
> 
> How do you exchange your child? Do you see each other or pick him up at daycare?
> 
> ...


I haven't seen her act promiscuous yet but don't really see her or keep up with her. I figure like someone else said is that he's most likely keeping her on the side and still lying to her about when he's going to leave etc.

Child exchanges are through daycare unless holidays so we hardly ever see each other. I can guarantee her life is much harder now. Creditors have called my parents looking for her, she lives in a small ****ty apartment by herself. Her family doesn't have much to do with her. Oh I'm sure the gossip is bad. 

She really doesn't show any signs of R or at least none that I have picked up on. I mean she's always really nice and bubbly when we meet or talk on the phone about our son. Much more talkative than me as I always keep the convo's short and never get into a long drawn out friendly conversation with her. I still have a lot of resentment for what she did to us and can't fake being nice like nothing happened.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Well, the kids have to have somewhere to live when they stay with her. So why not the old family home?


They have 50/50 custody. Why doesn't she live somewhere else, and he live in the family home? It was her that destroyed the family, why should he have to suffer the consequences.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Nice and bubbly means she is confused. She might wish to R while at the same time she might love to reject you again as revenge for being rejected. 

At least she is humble enough to be polite.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

theexpendable said:


> Could the guilt of throwing her family to the wolves actually haunt her?


Could be that she actually does feel bad and isn't going to add insult to injury and is at least trying to do right by you after it is all said and done.

Too bad more WW's don't do this.


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