# So, I have a weird and very frustrating sex problem (explicit details inside).



## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

Hey everyone,

So this is my "bare it all" thread where I will admit one of the most embarrassing things about myself and my sex life.

First, a little about my sexual background. I was a 30+ year old Virgin. I don't exactly know why and can't go into too much details, but I never had a GF/relationship with a woman and of course, no sex until I met my current wife. I blame this mostly on my own shyness, social awkwardness around women and of course lack of motivation/desire to try and pick up girls at a club or bar for a one night stand. Also, being from a Christian Household, my whole family looked down on having sex before marriage. So, I mostly kept busy with hobbies, games, friends and life in general. Also, I didn't masturbate a ton. I would say average once or twice a week, and sometimes I even held out for a month or two without wanking it.

So, here's my problem now;

*I CAN'T CUM INSIDE MY WIFE*

That's right. It's like I have one of those guns that identify the owner and only shoot if he's holding it. Even BJ's, HJ's, while feeling great most of the time, and getting me super-excited, won't let me loose my load. 

Sex used to be pretty decent though, especially before we got married. We tried a variety of oral sex positions, but found the other intercourse positions pretty limiting (like I've never done it doggy style). I usually do intercourse (missionary style, sometimes a sideways position too) or she rides me until my **** gets tired and or falls out. 

Then I'll either eat her until she gets excited and comes, which always gets me excited and I jerk it off. 

I didn't really mind before, but now I seem to have a bad case of E.D. too. 

Now it's basically like this. I try to turn her on. Get her in the mood and go down on her, perform oral until she comes/orgasms whatever. Then, I'll try to penetrate her and if I get lucky, I'll get inside for a minute or two, but a lot of times it feels too tight or uncomfortable in a way that's hard to describe..then the ED kicks in, it gets soft and falls out. 

Even when I do stay inside her for awhile, I can tell I'm not maintaining a full erection, but more of just a fat chubby, but it still feels good. 
However, the most frustrating thing is, my wife doesn't want to play with me, give me a BJ, HJ or anything, especially after it has her juices on it. So right now it's definitely a one way street. 

In order to satisfy myself, I usually jerk it off with her in the shower. She encourages me to come, let's me eat her again to turn me on. I still kinda enjoy it and it feels much better than just doing it solo. 

But the fact that I can't come is disappointing to both me and her. I also feel really disappointed she doesn't want to help me anymore. I think she's given up on us ever having a kid because of this. 

Lately, we've only been having sex once a month, if that. I used to masturbate about once a week, but since reading some "NO-Fapping" posts, I decided to hold off and see what happens. Unfortunately, my wife has been rather unhappy with our relationship lately, so I haven't had sex or any release since the beginning of March. As a result, I regularly get hard, especially at night and always have dreams or fantasies during the day. The past few days I usually wake up with morning wood and spoon with my wife. I'll caress her and try to get something started--usually I'll grind her or stick it between her legs for stimulation, but I never get to finish due to having to get up early and go to work. 

I'm really hoping something will happen this weekend.

But more importantly, I desperately want to fix my situation. IF nothing else, I need to do something to improve my E.D. 

I've actually thought about getting some pills or supplements but I hate having to take them when I'm only 37, and they're usually meant for older people, IMHO.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I can't believe I'm going to suggest this....because I personally find them kind of gross and would never use one. But maybe consider using a fleshlight to masturbate so you get used to the sensation of finishing inside.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

What is your wife unhappy with in the marriage? Best place to start.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I can't believe I'm going to suggest this....because I personally find them kind of gross and would never use one. But maybe consider using a fleshlight to masturbate so you get used to the sensation of finishing inside.


Eat your peas WOM...


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ssacre-aka-how-i-destroyed-my-marriage-7.html

This is my other thread about some recent marriage problems. However, these sex issues have been existent well before then. (at least a year since she doesn't really participate).

So, we haven't had sex lately due to these recent fights, but doesn't explain why doesn't give me any BJ, HJ for probably the better part of a year.

Also, I've never thought about Fleshlights, but that might be something to look into.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

To me it just sounds like some kind of block that is mental. Sometimes mental blocks aren't just an obvious thing like a Madonna/***** thing. Sometimes we will never know where they came from. Lots of women have mental blocks to orgasm in general. Usually they can be overcome, yours probably can, too.

First off you're going to have to stop stressing about it and just accept that this is how things are, for now, and that you will work on it knowing it probably will be overcome. It may take a year or two. You will have to re-wire some mind-body stuff and that takes time with issues like yours, but it can definitely be done.

So start with hope that it is common and can be fixed. Then do some research, other men have had a similar issue and you will find other stories about how to move through it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that you would benefit from seeing a sex therapist.

My bet is that you are so used to masturbating that being PIV just does not do it for you. 

I'm sure that this common enough that sex therapists have techniques that will help you change this.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I think that you would benefit from seeing a sex therapist.
> 
> My bet is that you are so used to masturbating that being PIV just does not do it for you.
> 
> I'm sure that this common enough that sex therapists have techniques that will help you change this.


I hope you're right Elegirl. I feel like I'm the only one with this problem. It could actually be viewed a blessing in disguise if I were into sleeping around and not having to get anyone pregnant. IT works miracles for that. 
I'm still really disappointed that I basically pleasure my wife and she doesn't do anything to return the favor (except let me try to stick it inside). I actually did talk to a urologist and a normal doctor about it. 

Also, I have free therapy/consulting sessions through Health insurance at work. Guess this would be a good reason to use them.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JukeboxHero said:


> I hope you're right Elegirl. I feel like I'm the only one with this problem. It could actually be viewed a blessing in disguise if I were into sleeping around and not having to get anyone pregnant. IT works miracles for that.
> I'm still really disappointed that I basically pleasure my wife and she doesn't do anything to return the favor (except let me try to stick it inside). I actually did talk to a urologist and a normal doctor about it.
> 
> Also, I have free therapy/consulting sessions through Health insurance at work. Guess this would be a good reason to use them.


Make sure that it's a sex therapist. A marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist might be a good choice.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I think you could also benefit from individual counseling, and that based on your other thread. your marriage has tons of issues, besides this one.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

JukeboxHero said:


> Now it's basically like this. I try to turn her on. Get her in the mood and go down on her, perform oral until she comes/orgasms whatever. Then, I'll try to penetrate her and if I get lucky, I'll get inside for a minute or two, but a lot of times it feels too tight or uncomfortable in a way that's hard to describe..then the ED kicks in, it gets soft and falls out.


It sounds a lot like you are responding to her desire. If she is already done by the time you put it in, perhaps it is not ED but more of your body responding to her dwindling state of arousal. 

Give her oral to get her aroused, but put it in BEFORE she has an orgasm. Also, do not make having an orgasm the sole focus of lovemaking. Try to connect with each other emotionally while you enjoy being aroused and during penetration. 

If anything, you should play a game called, "I am not allowed to cum in my wife." Then as always you will set yourself up for failure and end up cumming in your wife! :smthumbup: :smthumbup: 

Cheers!
Badsanta


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

I went through a similar period and found the problem. 

Some men masturbate face down by thrusting into their fist, which is what I did. Over time you get used to the firmness of your fist and end up unable to come with the looser, softer feeling of a vagina or mouth. 

If this is how you masturbate try weaning yourself off it. Don't masturbate for as long as you can hold out and then only use a loose grip until you re-calibrate yourself. Worked for me.

Whether this is your problem or not I would stop jerking off altogether until you are so primed that you come in your wife.


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

I also think you may have lower testosterone than your average male if you could go a whole month not masturbating.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I have two suggestions. First, read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. R. Glover. He discusses sexuality, masturbation, ED, PE, and not being able to finish. I suspect you have some attitudes around sex and marriage which fit the Nice Guy paradigm.

Secondly, a good sex therapist. Marriage therapy might be helpful (for everyone), but the emphasis for you should be on the sex part.

Oh, and a third suggestion. With your strict religious upbringing you should explore alternative religious interpretations or beliefs. 1 COR 7 discusses having lots of healthy sex within your marriage. I think the negatives of premarital sex becomes the overriding message young people get, and that is then carried into the marriage. The website www.themarriagebed.com might be of interest to you.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

intheory said:


> I read about 20 posts in your other thread.
> 
> Your mind and body probably don't like this woman very much anymore. But it's hard to admit that, I understand.
> 
> You probably need marital/sexual counseling.


What specifically led you to believe that? Idk, most of the time I feel like I love and desire her. Sometimes, when I felt things were about to end, I would switch into some kinda fight or flight mode and start imagining how I would survive/adapt if I left, and even imagining what other potential women I might find. However, I feel like we still have a connection and our marriage can survive.

Also, I want to mention...I think I made some small steps of progress this weekend.

First, I got my wife to have sex with me 2x this weekend. Once this morning and once yesterday. I started by spooning with her while she was sleeping, grinding a little and feeling her between her legs. Slowly she started getting turned on and moaning (still half asleep). Eventually we got more excited.

1st time. Doing a semi-69. She didn't suck my D, but I guided her hand toward it and she played with it while I was doing oral on her. I was still holding her arm and controlling the speed and had some contact with my D as well. But after a few min, it came. I ACTUALLY came while my wife was doing an "assisted" HJ. Not the best of progress and far from coming inside her, but I've never done unloaded with anything other than my own hand, so I think this is a small step forward.

After finishing her with Oral, I got a lil hard again and tried to stick inside. Whenever we do this, it's awkward choreography of her trying to hold it, guide it inside her and telling me not push yet, back up a bit..etc. By the time we "almost" got it in, it wasn't really hard anymore.

2nd. Today we had a session that lasted almost 45 min. Again, I turned her on while she was resting/sleeping. I got her pretty excited but it was mostly doing oral/fingering for her. AFter it was done, I asked her to play with me, but she seemed to exhausted and reluctant..

I asked her please and said something to the effect of;

"C'mon Baby, I pleasured you for almost 45 min" 
She got real defensive and said "Really? I can't believe you would say something like"

Perhaps it was the wrong thing to say, but I thought it would be fair if I had a turn.

Eventually we got in the shower and I convinced to try and another assisted HJ. She seemed reluctant, but played along and eventually told me to finish it myself. She did give me verbal encouragement as well. I did come and it felt really good, but still not sure if this is a step in the right direction.


P.s. I'm thinking I may have LOW T, but I was pretty horny after not jerking it for 3-4 weeks. I'm also thinking I need to stop masturbating and recalibrate my D. 

I'm also seriously considering marriage/sex counseling. I get 3 free sessions through my health insurance at work and it resets for diff issues, meaning, I might be able to get 3 free sessions for each.


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