# My Husband Repulses Me



## Oriah (Mar 27, 2019)

First, I do love my husband but I am seriously considering divorce. Like most marriages everything in the beginning was sweet and wonderful but soon after my husband began to care less and less about his health, his appearance and his marriage until here we are 6 years later I am ready to pack it in and cut my losses. He is about to turn 50 and for the past 3 years he has been trying to "make it big" in the music industry with little success. He got fired from his last good paying job and has stayed at his "temporary" job for 2 years now and although he says he hates everything about it (including the pay, which is astronomically low and doesn't pay the bills) he hasn't done much to advance his career or help us in making ends meet. I pay 80% of the bills with my job and I am way in over my head trying to dig us out of debt each month.

He somehow developed eczema over the past few years also and has many oozing patches of red rash over his body that he doesn't tend to, I find skin flakes and bloody smears all over the furniture and bedding, which I change constantly. He saw a doctor for it once, it cleared up for a few weeks then he refused to take his medication anymore because it could cause liver damage. Yet he will smoke a pack of cigarettes a day (I don't smoke) and refuses to try to quit. I buy creams, lotions, try homemade remedies but nothing works and now that he has this low paying job without benefits, he has no insurance and we can't afford a doctor visit. I stopped trying to help him there because he wont help himself. He showers daily but he often times doesn't brush his teeth and since he also smokes, his mouth is gross and I won't kiss him other than a quick peck. I bought him toothbrushes, mouthwash, I've set everything out for him before he goes to bed. He "forgets" or says he is too tired and will brush his teeth in the morning. 

We quit having sex. I can't bring myself to touch him because he won't do something about his skin, I don't want to touch him. He doesn't seem to realize that all of those places where my hands want to go are covered in sores or else I shouldn't care? I don't want to kiss him because of his teeth. He hasn't had a haircut in all of the years we have been together and he looks awful. He puts it in a ponytail and I hate it. I have offered to pay for a day of pampering, shave & haircut, the works, he won't go. He won't exercise because he says he is on his feet enough at work and that also hurts me at home since the workload falls on me. I am exhausted from doing ALL of the household chores because he is "practicing" and if I say anything he accuses me of being critical and non supportive of his dreams.

Well, I have lost my own dreams. I am too busy working 2 jobs and taking care of our existence to dream. I feel cheated and depressed all of the time. I think I should end it but I do love him and it's hard. I sometimes wonder if I am doing the right thing since he is my 3rd marriage, I feel like an utter failure. But I don't know what else to do. He won't listen to me. It always ends in a fight and I won't fight with him anymore. He starts to yell and I shutdown. I have learned that telling him how I feel means I am being critical and *****y, so I keep my mouth shut and do my crying on my way to work or when I drive home. 

I guess my question is, knowing all of this, how I do tell him I'm done and do I give him the reasons stated above? I have plenty of other things to rattle off about but I feel these are enough for me. I'm not sure what to say to him. I don't want to bargain for another year or so and be right here again. I do love him. But love isn't enough anymore. Thanks for reading.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long did you date him before you married him. Did he completely change a LOT after you married?

I agree that, with what you shared here, that divorce is your only choice at this point. 

It sounds like he found you and figured that he could mooch off you and be some kind of hippy musician because you would put up with his nonsense and support him.

I assume that neither of you have children at home. Is that right?

You should probably put everything in place before you tell him that you are divorcing him. You don't want any surprises since he is financially dependent on you.

You say that he yells at you and you shut down. Has he ever threatened you, or hit you, or pushed, grabbed you in anger, etc?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Have these things been discussed?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Your dragging a dead beat half corpse of a man down the street of your life.

There is a time for dreams and time for responsibility.

He is stuck in the land of dreams .... now you need to take responsibility (for yourself).

I understand how a woman can become attracted to "musician guy". I get it ..... but his other attributes are sinking him as a partner.

I'm not going to yell divorce but I will say this: I very seriously doubt you will ever obtain happiness going forward in this relationship.

Don't let your number of marriages define you. Learn from each one.


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## delupt (Dec 1, 2014)

I've gotta sympathize with you ... we men sometimes don't go to the doctors until something falls off, but not treating skin sores is plain irresponsible, if not self-harming. 

And the muso excuse for not doing housework is BS. I'm in three working bands with regular gigs and rehearsals, but I'm also a single dad with 2 teens in a clean and functioning house ... and given the frailties of the music industry, I never gave up my day job. 

He sounds totally broken and only he can fix it. Some would suggest councelling but my response would be an ultimatum: make steps to be a presentable human within 6 months (for the 6 years), or his self-hatred will cause you to leave. 

He will likely find an uptick in his musical side-hussle once he gets his sh!t together - noone hires or wants to play with deadbeat musicians.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

He sounds like he needs a wake up call but it looks like he's not willing to hear it from you. I imagine that he's depressed with how his life is turning out. Maybe an intervention with some well meaning friend can get through to him.

I would buy him "The Married Man Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay. It's a quick read on how a man can improve himself to re attract their wife.

Sadly if he's not willing to wake up, you're going to have to take control of your destiny and leave.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

jsmart said:


> He sounds like he needs a wake up call but it looks like he's not willing to hear it from you. I imagine that he's depressed with how his life is turning out. Maybe an intervention with some well meaning friend can get through to him.
> 
> I would buy him "The Married Man Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay. It's a quick read on how a man can improve himself to re attract their wife.
> 
> Sadly if he's not willing to wake up, you're going to have to take control of your destiny and leave.


Or a haircut, doctor visit, and a pressure washer ..... for starters


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## Oriah (Mar 27, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> How long did you date him before you married him. Did he completely change a LOT after you married?
> 
> You say that he yells at you and you shut down. Has he ever threatened you, or hit you, or pushed, grabbed you in anger, etc?


We dated about 2 years and he swept me off my feet. I had been single for nearly 6 years after my 2nd divorce. He did change a lot. We used to go hiking, boating, exploring...we don't do any of that now. It's all about him and his precious musical career now. 

He has never hit me but I feel like we've come close to it a few times in the past. My first marriage was physically abusive so I have learned to shut down when things escalate to an uncomfortable level. He's a yeller, not a hitter. I sometimes wonder what the neighbors must think.


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## Oriah (Mar 27, 2019)

sokillme said:


> Have these things been discussed?


I have tried countless times to talk to him, yes. I've tried to communicate my feelings in ways that he can't twist around because he's very good at that...I try not to be accusatory but whatever I say he says I'm criticizing him even when I'm saying "look, this is how I feel about ___". 

I don't know how to orchestrate this next big conversation. I know what I have to do but don't yet know how to do it. I see the good in him and how it used to be and it clouds everything.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Oriah said:


> We dated about 2 years and he swept me off my feet. I had been single for nearly 6 years after my 2nd divorce. He did change a lot. We used to go hiking, boating, exploring...we don't do any of that now. It's all about him and his precious musical career now.
> 
> He has never hit me but I feel like we've come close to it a few times in the past. My first marriage was physically abusive so I have learned to shut down when things escalate to an uncomfortable level. He's a yeller, not a hitter. I sometimes wonder what the neighbors must think.


This is extremely sad. Nothing in life worked out for the poor guy.

Except for you. You are an angel.

I think you have given all that could be reasonably offered to this person. He is, indeed, broken.

Leave him amicably, in peace, with kind words. Maybe, without you he will better himself.

I shudder to think what life will throw next at him.

I know, I know, he does not help himself. Self-help, in this case will always be insufficient.

He just was not given the tools, the luck or enough breaks.

He gets angry because he is broken. He is super frustrated. I suspect any prospective employer looks at his skin and wants no part of him. Oh, my.

Separate, and file for divorce. 

Move out while he is at work, for your safety.

I am so sorry.





[THM]- THRD


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Oriah said:


> I guess my question is, knowing all of this, how I do tell him I'm done and do I give him the reasons stated above? I have plenty of other things to rattle off about but I feel these are enough for me. I'm not sure what to say to him. I don't want to bargain for another year or so and be right here again. I do love him. But love isn't enough anymore. Thanks for reading.


Tell him you are tired of working two jobs and paying the lion's share of the bills. That he has become a liability to you. You've given him lots of chances to realize his dream but it's not panning out and you're done waiting and supporting him. Tell him you have tried to communicate to him your concerns and it turns into a fight and given your past history of an abusive relationship (I've been in one too) you will no longer tolerate his crappy way of communicating with you (yelling). You are done with his refusal to step up and be an equal partner in this relationship. You Didn't marry him to be his mother. You married him to be his wife and lover and partner. You feel none of those things.

I wouldn't even bother with the gross stuff. (And that is ****ing GROSS.) I'm sure he's heard it before and there's no need to repeat yourself. You're not having sex-he knows. And that could be easily remedied, giving him an in to plead with you to stay.

He's almost 50 for chrissakes. He needs to figure out his life. Without you. 

I'm sorry you are breaking your back for this man. Been there, done that. I busted my ass for years working two jobs while my physically abusive ex either quit or got fired job after job after job chasing his "dream" of becoming a high caliber chef. He's around your husband's age. I finally left and life is great on the other side!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Oriah said:


> I have tried countless times to talk to him, yes. I've tried to communicate my feelings in ways that he can't twist around because he's very good at that...I try not to be accusatory but whatever I say he says I'm criticizing him even when I'm saying "look, this is how I feel about ___".
> 
> I don't know how to orchestrate this next big conversation. I know what I have to do but don't yet know how to do it. I see the good in him and how it used to be and it clouds everything.


Get your ducks lined up and start packing. He'll figure it out. No need for a conversation. You've said everything there is to say and he's blown you off. He's no longer the man you married and, more importantly, he doesn't want to be.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

My ex was similar to yours in many respects. Not taking care of health, lazy, passive aggressive, couldn't keep a job. He also liked to use guilt and manipulation. The weekend I moved out he told me it would be my fault if he died without me there to take care of him. And no, he did not have a debilitating dangerous condition. He just didn't take care of himself in general.



I will echo what the poster above me said. Deciding to leave was gut wrenching because I believe in one partner for life. But I am so incredibly happy now, I almost can't believe I stayed in such misery for so long… nearly 2 decades.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IIWY, I would just pack up my stuff, one box at a time, and move it to a friend's house. When you have your final suitcase full, just go to him and say you're done. You don't owe him anything else.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

What type of a musical career was he trying for?

Is he depressed?

He can't afford meds, but he can afford cigarettes? 

You know what is best for your husband (it's basically simple stuff, teeth cleaning, treating his skin condition, doing his share of the chores, etc) but he doesn't know or, apparently, care about what is best for you.

He's dragging you down with him, isn't he? I think you should approach a divorce attorney for an initial meeting to work out what is best for you and how you can escape.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Oriah said:


> I guess my question is, knowing all of this, how I do tell him I'm done and do I give him the reasons stated above? I have plenty of other things to rattle off about but I feel these are enough for me. I'm not sure what to say to him. I don't want to bargain for another year or so and be right here again. I do love him. But love isn't enough anymore. Thanks for reading.


I feel you, I have been trying to work up the words/nerve to end things with my (mostly) deadbeat musician as well. Mine doesnt have any delusions about becoming famous at least, he just has no real ambition. (he actually COULD make it big if he had the drive, he is crazy talented) Same as yours, he has been at a "temporary job" for a couple years now that barely covers his expenses and is always broke. He doesnt live with me, I refuse to finance a man even if I could afford to.

You dont have to go into the long laundry list of reasons WHY you are ending it. You can let him know you are emotionally drained having to take care of everything, and his lack of self care with his condition disgusts you. The fact that he doesnt take care of it shows a lack of respect both for himself and for you. I am sure on some level he is aware enough of how things are that he will KNOW why you are done.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Can you think of a particular moment that happened when he stopped caring about his own life? He sounds like he's simply given up on himself and life in general and the only way he can redeem himself is to make it big in the music industry. Was it when he got fired, or did this start before then?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sounds to be he needs a bit of counselling...


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Frankly at this point I don't think anything can save your marriage. Once you get to the point that your spouse "repulses" you I don't think can get over that. I certainly understand the way you feel, I was a bit repulsed by the guy just from reading your post. Health issues he won't address, basic hygiene he ignores, irresponsible, unmotivated, he sounds like an immature selfish pig.
You shouldn't hold on to him hoping he will change, you should erase him from your life since he adds nothing but misery.


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

Dude is practically begging you to divorce him.

I beleive that both side of a relationship, male or female have an obligation to maintain themselves to a reasonable degree, in a way that shows they value the relationship.

That covers physical health, hygiene, and employment, among other things.

Do you even want to save the marriage anymore?

If you do, it is time to issue an ultimatum backed by a deadline and prepare to move on if/when he fails to meet it.

If you don't want to save the marriage, you need to just make your move.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sometimes 'EX' manages to work its way into a better future.

Presently, you have two people in a marriage who are miserable.

When both revert to EX status, one is likely to fall off the misery wagon that is now heading to a hopeful West.

Heading West is best, just stop short of California. 
Sorry, @Blondilocks!

Anyplace, even down the street is better than the place your feet presently take you.

Someday, I may heed my own advice. 
The next galaxy to the North is nice, albeit, nice wears thin when you are always alone in your thoughts!





[THM]- The Host, RD


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Yes, in this case, I believe he'd benefit from some IC.

It is many times covered by insurance for sufficient visits.

And in this case hubby would benefit from joining some form of rw support group or similar, so he'd have others reinforcing him returning to more fully into "his life" .

I don't mean you should drag this out past your comfort level but if you desire, tell him what you expect, if he wants to stay married. 

Or, if you're all said and done with the marriage, maybe share some ideas with him but let him know you're divorcing either way.

Best of luck!


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Too many people look at these things as black or white. Your choices aren't "all or nothing", stay or divorce. 

What does one normally do, when someone physically repulses them? Well, you normally don't live with that person. You can leave the house without getting a divorce. I would recommend separation first. It may be just the wake up call he needs. And if not, at least you gave him every chance you could. 

You should also consider marriage counseling for a whole host of reasons that I don't have time to get into here. But there is value in MC, even if you plan to divorce.


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## Oriah (Mar 27, 2019)

Thank you all for being understanding and thoughtful in your replies. I was worried about airing my laundry on a public forum but it got to the point where I needed to hear from people who didn't know us and who could give an unbiased perspective. Friends and family don't know very much other than I am stressed and unhappy. I know you hear only my side, and I'm sure I'm not always the easiest to live with or love, but I have tried to be a good wife and partner for what it's worth.

Its been mentioned that I should leave but I can't, won't, walk away from my home and all of the belongings I brought into the marriage. He had virtually nothing of value when we met, having just ended a relationship where he walked away with nothing. Yes, I see the red flags now but he had lots of good "reasons" for that at the time and I bought them all! He came into the marriage with his clothes and a few personal items and that was it. I have a house full of furniture and family heirlooms that may not be worth much but are priceless to me. He can take his stuff and go but I don't have the resources to start over and surrender what I have left to him. I have an attorney in the family so I will be seeing what my rights are in that regard next week.

TheDudeLebowski asked if there was a point where it all fell apart but I can't think of any particular one. Maybe when he hit 45 and decided his life was lacking something? I really don't know, it's been on a downhill slide for so long. He's not a bad guy but there is something very wrong going on with him and I just can't fix him. I've tried.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Oriah said:


> Its been mentioned that I should leave but I can't, won't, walk away from my home and all of the belongings I brought into the marriage. He had virtually nothing of value when we met, having just ended a relationship where he walked away with nothing. Yes, I see the red flags now but he had lots of good "reasons" for that at the time and I bought them all! He came into the marriage with his clothes and a few personal items and that was it. I have a house full of furniture and family heirlooms that may not be worth much but are priceless to me. He can take his stuff and go but I don't have the resources to start over and surrender what I have left to him. I have an attorney in the family so I will be seeing what my rights are in that regard next week.


I dont blame you one bit on this. YOU are the one making the home, keeping the household running... if the belongings are all yours from before you were married, then all of that needs to remain yours and you should stay where you are. Do you own the home? I totally feel you on this too, mine has very few belongings as well. You'd think someone in their mid 40's would have more to show for their whole adult life. 

While you cant legally kick him out of the home, you can let him know that your plan is to stay put after divorce (if that is the route you are going to take) and that if he insists, he can stay until it is final, but you will live as an in house separation if he does. He is a grown man and needs to take responsibility for himself.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Oriah said:


> Its been mentioned that I should leave but I can't, won't, walk away from my home and all of the belongings I brought into the marriage.


You wouldn't lose your home and all the belongings. Generally, you get to keep what you brought to the marriage. He would be entitled to half of the *increase* in value. So if the house was worth $300k when you married and it's worth $320k now, he's entitled to half of the increase, which would be half of the $20k difference.

Your H sounds like a guy who gets focused on the next shiny thing. When he met you, you were the shiny thing. Now music is the shiny thing and he's only focused on that. Pretty soon he'll drop music and get interested in something else. It'd be one thing if he was a great husband while chasing his dreams, but instead he's a terrible husband and you're having to pay for it all. It hard to see how this situation gets any better other than through divorce. Or maybe hang on and he'll get a multi-million dollar record contract and it'll all be worth it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Sometimes 'EX' manages to work its way into a better future.
> 
> Presently, you have two people in a marriage who are miserable.
> 
> ...


Hey, there's nothing wrong with California that a purge of Sacramento wouldn't cure. I'd prefer that we deport them and keep the illegals - at least they're willing to work.

OP, I sure hope that the lawyer can see a way for you to extricate yourself from this situation. Maybe you can find a new girlfriend for your husband.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just go to a lawyer and have them write up the papers for you to keep everything you came into the marriage with. If you can afford it, give him some 'go-away' money as part of the settlement.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Unfortunately, a later life relationship, subsequent to one or two long term relationships, has one factor that my mother in law pointed out. Over 50-60, some men are looking for a combination of a "Nurse or a Purse". You have provided at least one. Music business? Sorry, but I have been an accountant for over forty years. My first area of specialty was in the entertainment business. Unless you were firmly established in the industry in your twenties, and have produced on a consistent basis for the next thirty years, you can count your chances of success on the fingers on your left elbow. No chance no way. The other things you mention are earmarks of depression. Eczema, untreated???? I had a second heart attack at age 45. I was grossly fat. I had let myself go big time. Due to a botched angioplasty, I lost my immune system. My childhood eczema flared up on both hands. It was disgusting, and I used every damn cream and remedy available. I really wanted to just tear the skin off, and it was gross. How do you live with that unattended? Would drive me out of my tree.

It sounds as if, he is really unrealistic, and is looking to you to make his life for him. Sit him down, and have a good conversation. The relationship is likely to end soon thereafter. I would ensure that all assets you came with, leave with you. Therefore, before that last conversation talk to a lawyer, and get your ducks in a row. I will guarantee one thing, he will not be ready for this talk. Good luck.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Taxman said:


> Unless you were firmly established in the industry in your twenties, and have produced on a consistent basis for the next thirty years, you can count your chances of success on the fingers on your left elbow. No chance no way.


This is correct. 50-year-old beginner musicians are not in demand. And, it's not 1960 anymore, when players could work a few nights per week in local bars and saloons.

I'm not a person who recommends divorce unless there is egregious behavior, such as felonies, adultery, physical violence. But I want you to know I thoroughly empathize. I lived with a wife for 18 years and was a nurse and a purse. She made no effort whatsoever to "get better", she enjoyed poor health for decades.

I will recommend you do as @turnera recommends. Don't let the freeloader take away your assets. Find out where you stand, legally.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Oriah said:


> He had virtually nothing of value when we met, having just ended a relationship where he walked away with nothing. Yes, I see the red flags now but he had lots of good "reasons" for that at the time and I bought them all! He came into the marriage with his clothes and a few personal items and that was it. I have a house full of furniture and family heirlooms that may not be worth much but are priceless to me. He can take his stuff and go but I don't have the resources to start over and surrender what I have left to him.


Oh my goodness. I would swear we were with the same man. Spooky.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Oriah said:


> Its been mentioned that I should leave but I can't, won't, walk away from my home and all of the belongings I brought into the marriage. He had virtually nothing of value when we met, having just ended a relationship where he walked away with nothing. .


Simple .... change the locks. His junk sits on the front porch. The message will be clear.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think you love the idea of who he could be but not who he actually is. What you see is the real him. 

If you still need a motivating factor to get out, think about the possibility that he saw you (and still does) as only someone to take care of him. That happens more than you can imagine. And the longer you stay the worse that will get. 

Tell him it just isn't working and it's time to move on. Don't expect him to take it well because he knows it will be very difficult to replace the situation he now has.


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## Oriah (Mar 27, 2019)

wilson said:


> Your H sounds like a guy who gets focused on the next shiny thing. When he met you, you were the shiny thing. Now music is the shiny thing and he's only focused on that. Pretty soon he'll drop music and get interested in something else. It'd be one thing if he was a great husband while chasing his dreams, but instead he's a terrible husband and you're having to pay for it all.


You must be psychic! He was in a bad mood last night and said he was ready to sell his equipment :surprise: Funny, as soon as he said that I remembered your post! No one is calling him for gigs and he's getting frustrated. On to the next shiny thing indeed!


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

It sounds like this poor man has a form of mental illness. nobody can tolerate himself going through what has been described and not urgently do something about it it. Health issues panic me, especially if I am not sure what is causing the problem. I cannot imagine his mental state. It must be awful for him each day. 

Personally I could not live in the same house with someone who smokes or vapes. It would drive me to suicide. So on that score alone I would have divorced him after one day of smoking. The rest of the health issues need doctors to look at them and give a ruling. But if you two are not communicating properly, it means you are already divorced so whats left is the paperwork. 

You might want to make him aware how you see the blood and skin signs he leaves all over the place. Once he notices them he should do the cleaning up and the changing of the bed and the washing of bed-sheets. If he is happy to cause the issue he should be equally happy to sort it out. Better still have single beds and he looks after his own. 

But you need to be understood by him soon.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Nah, he's just a spoiled brat whose parent never expected much from him and, thus, he lived up (or down) to their expectations.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Oriah said:


> You must be psychic! He was in a bad mood last night and said he was ready to sell his equipment :surprise: Funny, as soon as he said that I remembered your post! No one is calling him for gigs and he's getting frustrated. On to the next shiny thing indeed!



Hurry ..... go polish your nails.

Or ask the neighbor next door to polish hers ..... depending on what you want :grin2:


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

MaiChi said:


> I cannot imagine his mental state. It must be awful for him each day.


And, it's quite unfortunate that he has delusional thinking. There's just not a lot of "gigs" out there anymore, the "calls" are not going to come. He is somewhat "stuck" in the past, he likely remembers times when musicians could work at weddings, bars, etc. - but today, DJs and karaoke have supplanted almost all of this. It is hard to find places having live music, and those who do limit it to one or two nights a week. I suppose there is some amount of people willing to pay the tow for a band at a wedding.

He has picked a field in which all of the money is concentrated at the very top, and 95% of people involved in it make no money at all. They wind up playing in worship bands, having 2 jobs a year, being mostly a garage band, etc. It's a hobby. 

Some people who have good musical knowledge find work as music teachers, providing a good service to others, but even this is being supplanted by internet to a large degree. There are much fewer "full-time" music teachers as time goes on. It's a part-time job for most of them.

I think he needs professional help to adjust his belief-system into reality. If he doesn't get that, I hope the "next shiny thing" has some money in it.


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## Carburatedexcuses (Jun 4, 2019)

https://youtu.be/WX-R1lfycmw

Watch this until the end. This post reminds me of this.


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## Oriah (Mar 27, 2019)

I told him I want a divorce. Suddenly he wants to change his job, pick up after himself, be more of what he was in the beginning. I told him everything I was disgusted about, from his health and lack of financial support and everything in between. He cried, threatened suicide, the whole 9 yards. I wouldn't budge. I told him I wasn't going to take responsibility for his life or death choices. I was focused on my own. He isn't talking suicide now that it didn't get the reaction he expected. He admitted he wasn't happy and he needs to change. It was an emotional day of purging but for once he didn't scream and yell or throw something. He knows this time it's different.

I gave him a date to work towards so he can get his life together and move out. I know there will be power struggles between now and then ( 8 weeks ) before it's done and it will be tough on me to continue to emotionally distance myself while he works towards saving our marriage. As much as I would like it to work out I know it won't, it never does, not for the long term. He feels compelled to make it right if only to say to himself he did everything he could. I hope along the way he realizes this will be for the best for both of us.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Well done!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Good for you! Especially for calling his bluff on the suicide. Total manipulation tactic. I have also had to take this hard stance in the past... they beg and plead and make all kinds of promises about change, but long term change isnt going to happen. You'd be right back in the same place again in a matter of months. I do hope he can step up and make improvements to take care of himself. But, that doesnt mean you have to stay married to him. I think being on his own will be the catalyst for him to do something.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Oriah said:


> I told him I want a divorce. Suddenly he wants to change his job, pick up after himself, be more of what he was in the beginning. I told him everything I was disgusted about, from his health and lack of financial support and everything in between. He cried, threatened suicide, the whole 9 yards. I wouldn't budge. I told him I wasn't going to take responsibility for his life or death choices. I was focused on my own. He isn't talking suicide now that it didn't get the reaction he expected. He admitted he wasn't happy and he needs to change. It was an emotional day of purging but for once he didn't scream and yell or throw something. He knows this time it's different.
> 
> I gave him a date to work towards so he can get his life together and move out. I know there will be power struggles between now and then ( 8 weeks ) before it's done and it will be tough on me to continue to emotionally distance myself while he works towards saving our marriage. As much as I would like it to work out I know it won't, it never does, not for the long term. He feels compelled to make it right if only to say to himself he did everything he could. I hope along the way he realizes this will be for the best for both of us.


You did well. You were honest and kept your boundaries strong, and you are giving him time to find a place. The weekend I moved out after filing, my then husband told me that if he died it would be my fault. I ignored it because it was just one more of "those" tactics in a long line of tactics. If he threatens suicide again, call 911 immediately. A 72 hour hold will cure him of that manipulation.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If anything, just tell him after the divorce, he's welcome to try to date you again and deserve you this time. Great job, btw.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Oriah said:


> I hope along the way he realizes this will be for the best for both of us.


His expense profile will perhaps be lower as a single person, this should be in favor of his musical career (which most likely won't pay a lot). Perhaps it will be better for him. However, it's a rare case where an elder person can initiate a career like this, most of us who continued a music career into eldership established it as teenagers.

But your "nurse and purse" days are over


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

turnera said:


> If anything, just tell him after the divorce, he's welcome to try to date you again and deserve you this time. Great job, btw.


Yuck! Why???

No no no!


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

If he's 50 and hasn't made it in the music industry, I would say that ship has sailed.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You handled that perfectly! 

He's shocked his gravy train is ending and he'll do everything possible to keep it going. Be prepared.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

3Xnocharm said:


> Yuck! Why???
> 
> No no no!


To make it easier for him to move on. All she has to do is say no, once the divorce is final.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You did good....now stay the course.

I went through this last year with my much older ex.....he was an ******* until I wanted a divorce.

This is about him and his life, not because he gives a **** about you. Threatening suicide is proof enough that you don't really factor into this....he's willing to manipulate to save his own ass.

Wish him well and cut him loose. I did and my only regret is that I didn't do it sooner.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Well done. And, I'm sorry it had to come to this.


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