# Mystery Speed Dial Number- What to do?



## gretagable (May 2, 2016)

About two weeks ago, I was in a minor car accident and my car
needed to be repaired. Fast forward to this week, where the kids and I are borrowing my husband's car (which I never drive nor ride in) while mine is in the shop. When I get in the car the first morning, the digital screen is still synced with his phone, and it lists "Laura" as
the third programmed speed dial number in addition to me and my FIL. The concerning thing is that my husband only programs close
relationships with just a first name, and always puts a letter 'a' in
front of the name to make it show up first in contacts. So, I am in
his phone as "AWife" and Laura is programmed as "ALaura". The area
code is for a city he worked in extensively last summer and still
occasionally travels to. I checked the car's manual, and it indicates
that all speed dial numbers must be physically entered by the user, so the number wasn't there as a recent call or by accident. Moreover, we only bought the car last winter, so the programming must be recent to the last 5-6 months.

I searched the number online using a reverse look-up service and it
came back as cell phone listed to a "Laura T." with the same zip code
where my husband stayed while out of town and an e-mail address of "lovelylaura614". So, I have gone from being in no way concerned or suspicious to totally suspicious. Our marriage has been rocky for the past several months, but we are both in counseling and, I assumed, working through our issues.

I am not freaking out in terms of confronting him etc., but I would
like some objective third party advice on how to proceed. Do I call
the suspicious number? Do I ask my husband who she is and see what he says? I don't want to accuse him of anything, but I also don't want to be lied to or to live a false reality. We have two young children whose lives will be greatly affected by a negative outcome in this situation. Plus, if he considers our marriage over and has been perpetuating a sham to maintain the status quo, that is very bad. Your insight is much appreciated.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Is there a way to see the number that is programmed in? Check the user manual for instructions. Then do a reverse lookup.

There is a good chance it is a cell number, so they are harder to identify the person.

I could be just a co-worker that the needs to call frequently. 

Some posters will recommended you hide a voice activated digital recorder in his car that will capture any conversations your H may have with Laura. 

IMO the problem with asking him is - Will you believe his answer?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

gretagable said:


> About two weeks ago, I was in a minor car accident and my car
> needed to be repaired. Fast forward to this week, where the kids and I are borrowing my husband's car (which I never drive nor ride in) while mine is in the shop. When I get in the car the first morning, the digital screen is still synced with his phone, and it lists "Laura" as
> the third programmed speed dial number in addition to me and my FIL. The concerning thing is that my husband only programs close
> relationships with just a first name, and always puts a letter 'a' in
> ...





blueinbr said:


> *Is there a way to see the number that is programmed in? Check the user manual for instructions. Then do a reverse lookup.
> 
> There is a good chance it is a cell number, so they are harder to identify the person.*
> 
> ...


She already did that.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

You don't have enough information to confront him yet.

Check your cell phone records to see if he frequently calls/texts that number. Look for times of day, frequency, duration, etc.

Put a VAR in his car if you want to know the truth. If he has her on speed dial it shouldn't take long.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Even if he's having an affair (and that's unknown at this point) it doesn't automatically mean he wants a divorce. Many want to stay in the marriage. Of course, if it should turn out to be true, a lot of work will need to be done for that to happen. 

The first step is obviously finding out as much as you can about his activities. Definitely don't confront until you feel you have discovered all you can. It could be innocent or it could be not so innocent. And some will continue to deny no matter what proof is put in front of them so he may never tell you the complete truth about her. Be prepared you may have to eventually make a decision one way or the other with little concrete information to help you. 

Right now, you don't know for certain what the story is so hope for the best as you continue your search.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

You will need more information to prove anything so stay as dark as possible about this and don't mention anything to him or her. If he knows that you have seen what you have he will assure you don't get anymore information. My advise is the same as others on here, put a VAR under the seat of his car and if you can maybe hire a PI to tail him while on these business trips. What you find might be painfull but at least you'll know for sure and will have evidence of what he did.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

If you want to call the number without raising any red flags with a potential WS or his AP, you can get "spoof card" and dial from a location in another state. See who answers. 

With some carriers or depending on if a password has been used (and this is way underhanded) you don't need to enter a password to get your voicemail if you call it from your own cell phone. You can sometimes enter the persons cell phone number as the number you are being called from, and then make the call to the same number, and it will take you right to voicemail (and all new or saved messages) without having to enter a password. Doesn't work all the time, but it does work some of the time.

But, someone seeing themselves being called from their own cell phone number on a cell phone can raise some suspicions real quick.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Have you checked his email for correspondence from that address?

Have you checked LinkedIn and found this woman?

Checked his texting history? Facebook?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

@gretagable I just googled lovelylaura614 and your post is already showing up in google. Just be careful what you post here. 

Once you have thirty posts at TAM you can create a thread in the private members forum that make it harder for google's search engine to reach. 

You can also move this thread to the private section after you get 30 posts. You can post in other threads to reach that number.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I traveled for work extensively. When I was planning a visit to an site I would always get a facility contact assigned to me. Someone to call to make plans, set up meeting, check to make sure all pasties involved where aware of times, dates, and places of meetings. Sometimes it was a female contact and I always programmed her number into my phone just like I would with a male assigned to the same job.

I would call the number and see who answers. "Whoops, I am using my husband's phone and your number is programmed in just before a friend of mine and I hit yours by mistake. How do you know my husband"?


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

OMG just freaking ASK him!

If you aren't satisfied with his answer then post back about what he said and why it doesn't add up and we'll take it from there.

Don't people talk any more?


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

Mclane said:


> OMG just freaking ASK him!
> 
> If you aren't satisfied with his answer then post back about what he said and why it doesn't add up and we'll take it from there.
> 
> Don't people talk any more?


Normally,you are right. But,many of us asked direct questions re what we had uncovered and were lied to.
Cheaters are great liars.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Maxo said:


> Normally,you are right. But,many of us asked direct questions re what we had uncovered and were lied to.
> Cheaters are great liars.


True. I've certainly seen loads of that on here. But I'm thinking in this case, if she asks him outright what that number is doing on his phone, if he can't immediately come up with a legitimate, easy to verify answer, she'll get all the information she needs.


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

Mclane said:


> True. I've certainly seen loads of that on here. But I'm thinking in this case, if she asks him outright what that number is doing on his phone, if he can't immediately come up with a legitimate, easy to verify answer, she'll get all the information she needs.


Many of the cheaters I have read about are fast on their feet in these situations,having practiced lying for most of their lives. Comes naturally to them,it seems.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Well, if he's lying he'll have to quickly come up with a cover story for that number being there, and that should give her even more information for her to check on his story.

Right now all she's got is a number. Whatever he tells her should be verifiable.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

As a fellow betrayed wife who discovered her husband cheating when we were supposedly working on a rocky marriage, and who confronted too early with similar evidence....plant a Voice Activated Recorder in his car. You need to be able to protect yourself and your kids, and this sounds really really fishy.

Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

No. All he has to say "its just a co worker" - that would be true. And that would be it.

But if the OP (gretagable) has proof that Laura is in a sexual relationship with her husband, then she will catch the lie and he'll have to be honest.

First, gretagable needs to buy the VAR (Voice Activated Recorder) - Someone POST that link on how to do it properly.
Get the SONY, its about $50 on amazon. Something like this: Amazon.com: SONY ICD PX333 Digital Voice Recorder: Office Products

It needs to be velcroed and placed under the drivers seat. It will only record when there is talking. So after a few days, she can take the recorder out and see what is on it.
IF there is BAD stuff on the recoreder - Then she should make a copy (USB) to a computer.

Then she can just ASK her husband "Who is Laura?"
If he says "Just a co-worker"?
Then she can say, "Is there anything else I should know about Laura?"
if he says "no, I just work with her".
Then she can pull out the VAR (maybe) or simply call Laura from her husbands phone or other phone and go from there. Other people here will have better ideas.

I wish I was ahead of the game.


If she ASKS him now, then he'll go underground... and she won't know for sure.
If by making the VAR recording and confirming that Laura REALLY is just a co-worker, then she can ignore the situation.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Mclane said:


> OMG just freaking ASK him!


 No. This isn't some random caller or a number found once or twice on his cell phone or in a bill. 
This is an unknown female who, in a rocky marriage phase , he has added in a way that is specific and special to his routine.



> If you aren't satisfied with his answer then post back about what he said and why it doesn't add up and we'll take it from there.


 Nope, Do not tip your hand. 



> Don't people talk any more?


Yes, they do. Still, she has already described this as a troubled marriage and they are in counseling. Better to be wrong by checking than completely blow up the marriage on a gut feeling.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

Not sure I'm reading this as a red flag. I'm not a pro at this but would assume your husband would put in Larry, or Leroy and invert a couple of numbers to give a bad read. say the prefix was 786 and change that to 867 or change the area code even if on speed dial. just store it to remember it and then physically dial it.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

If you ask him and he's guilty of something, he'll just lie about it and go purge all the evidence.

So don't do that.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

kenmoore14217 said:


> Not sure I'm reading this as a red flag. I'm not a pro at this but would assume your husband would put in Larry, or Leroy


I agree. If I was cheating I would not put the woman's name on the speed dial. 

IMO nothing more can be done with the number right now as OP needs to dig deeper for more evidence, if there is any. 

The sad part is if this is just harmless nothing, it still has created a lot of stress in OP.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Mclane said:


> OMG just freaking ASK him!
> 
> If you aren't satisfied with his answer then post back about what he said and why it doesn't add up and we'll take it from there.
> 
> Don't people talk any more?




Mclane

I'm not trying to be harsh here, but in my own personal expierience this was probably one of the top three mistakes I made. I talked to my wife, and all I got were lies. What you are suggesting is based upon a good or better marriage and communication to be excellent. My wife, after I asked her about OM I heard less, she limited all communication to basically at work. OP's husband can do the same and then OP will have even less to find. This could be innocent or it could become a divorce depending on husbands actions and decisions. I will not at any time ever again ask if someone is cheating unless I already know the answer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

drifting on said:


> Mclane
> 
> I'm not trying to be harsh here, but in my own personal expierience this was probably one of the top three mistakes I made. I talked to my wife, and all I got were lies. What you are suggesting is based upon a good or better marriage and communication to be excellent


Ok, I get it and I retract my suggestion to confront him.

I missed where the marriage was troubled or it wasn't stated as such before I made my suggestion to ask him about it.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Since we don't know the scope of marriage problems, maybe poster can update us. Was it mutual problems? Or just normal everyday marriage problems?

Get the VAR. then get Velcro tape. You need a VAR that won't run out of battery life in one day. They have settings that will on record if it hears a voice or sounds. 

1st scenario: He's having an EA/PA with this woman. 

2nd scenario: It just something to do for work. 

Either one can be eliminated with a VAR. 


You obviously won't get the truth or believe him if you ask. And he's NOT going to just say he's having a EA/PA. 

Do you know anything about this woman? Married/kids?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gretagable (May 2, 2016)

OP here. So, types of marriage issues include excessive control and anger from H, he's very insecure and narcissistic (this from therapist, not from me) and nothing is ever his fault. He doesn't help with the kids really, just goes to work, does his hobbies or what he feels like around the house. I get anxious and withdraw or try to overcompensate. 

I've looked into buying a VAR, but am highly anxious about him finding it. I once recorded one of his angry screaming fits and he found it. There were emotional consequences for months after. I think I am going to get one that looks like a flash drive so I can say I forgot it in his car. 

I think the reason I am so bothered is because he is so paranoid, sanctimonious, and generally critical of me. For instance, we have been married since 2007 and he raged out this morning because my Facebook account only had our marriage date, but not "married" as my status. I now feel like he is projecting his own behavior onto me. He just mentioned yesterday that he "needs" to takes trip to the mystery woman's city soon, out of the blue. It's like I live under a microscope while he does whatever he wants.

I'll get the VAR this week and see what happens. Something isn't right, and while I admit programming her number is really obvious, if he felt like I wouldn't catch him or he "deserves" to be happy, maybe he doesn't care if he gets caught.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

gretagable said:


> OP here. So, types of marriage issues include excessive control and anger from H, he's very insecure and narcissistic (this from therapist, not from me) and nothing is ever his fault. He doesn't help with the kids really, just goes to work, does his hobbies or what he feels like around the house. I get anxious and withdraw or try to overcompensate.
> 
> I've looked into buying a VAR, but am highly anxious about him finding it. I once recorded one of his angry screaming fits and he found it. There were emotional consequences for months after. I think I am going to get one that looks like a flash drive so I can say I forgot it in his car.
> 
> ...


Have you checked your cell phone bills yet?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

gretagable said:


> OP here. So, types of marriage issues include excessive control and anger from H, he's very insecure and narcissistic (this from therapist, not from me) and nothing is ever his fault. He doesn't help with the kids really, just goes to work, does his hobbies or what he feels like around the house. I get anxious and withdraw or try to overcompensate.
> 
> I've looked into buying a VAR, but am highly anxious about him finding it. I once recorded one of his angry screaming fits and he found it. There were emotional consequences for months after. I think I am going to get one that looks like a flash drive so I can say I forgot it in his car.
> 
> ...


Sounds like quite the catch.

Why don't you just leave him, affair or no affair?


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

A raging narcissistic is bad news. They are not likely to change. And he seems to be projecting.

When you get the VAR, do it so it doesn't show up on a credit card purchase or have a friend or relative order it for you, etc. Don't go with a cheap one, like $20 or so.

The Velcro tape is so that it doesn't move around. I used my OLD VAR, which is junk - but it gave me handy info for confrontation.

Hopefully its just innocent work related stuff. Once he drives his care for a 1~3 days, you should know something. You can/should also test it on your own car. Stick it under your seat, get out and back into the car, call someone and have a conversation. Then erase ALL recordings before you put it into his car.

Thing about Narcissists, they are liars and tend to cheat alot because they only care about THEMSELVES.

Overall, it'll help you move on. Nobody should live like that.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

gretagable said:


> he is so paranoid, sanctimonious, and generally critical of me. For instance, we have been married since 2007 and he raged out this morning because my Facebook account only had our marriage date, but not "married" as my status. I now feel like he is projecting his own behavior onto me. He just mentioned yesterday that he "needs" to takes trip to the mystery woman's city soon, out of the blue..


I hope you aren't describing his better qualities.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

As others have suggested buy the VAR. If she is programmed to his speed dial you should have your answers very quickly.


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## gretagable (May 2, 2016)

I went through three months of cell phone bills this morning online, and not a single call listed to her on our family plan. It doesn't make sense that he would program a number into his speed dial that there is no recent record of him calling. Now I am wondering if he doesn't have a different phone that he uses in private. I ordered the VAR yesterday, so we shall see. 

Regarding our marriage issues, I all but left him last fall...retained a lawyer and everything. The only reason we are still married is because we have two young children and I wanted to make sure I did everything I could to salvage it before ending it. We have both been in counseling since Thanksgiving 2015. Honestly, there were some improvements (particularly in how he interacts with the kids), but the improvements were short-lived and he is reverting to his disrespectful, controlling, paranoid, angry default. And now, with finding the woman's phone number, I feel like I gave it the old college try but its time to end it. I am in individual counseling and am working with her to develop a plan.

Thank you all for your feedback.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Does he have a company/work phone?


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

gretagable said:


> Regarding our marriage issues, I all but left him last fall...retained a lawyer and everything. The only reason we are still married is because we have two young children and I wanted to make sure I did everything I could to salvage it before ending it.


Oh. Well this new information points to a lot more than just "things have been rocky for the past few months and we're in counseling and working through our issues".


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Mclane said:


> Oh. Well this new information points to a lot more than just "things have been rocky for the past few months and we're in counseling and working through our issues".


Yes, and as explained a few posts back the IC/MC says he's NPD but is she able to say this as a professional?

So damn, if he's Narss, and fits description of one then you've got an uphill battle. If you really want an insight Google NPD and find sites that deal with spouse's and how to either get away from one or deal with one. 

But the first thing you need to understand, a Narss person can only help the marriage if they admit to it. There's no magic pill to take like with bi-polar. It's also very tough to leave one from what I read. It's sort of like trying to leave a physically abusive person. It's more of a mentally abuse per se....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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