# Is he being unfaithful?



## QualJin (May 26, 2012)

My H, who is divorcing me is having conversations on the phone and via texts and trading photos with other women. We are not divorced yet. It hurts me that he respects me so little that he would do this. Is he being unfaithful or am I making too much of this, seeing how we are headed for divorce anyway?


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Until the divorce is final, you two are still married. He is treating you like used trash, and that is very sad. He is choosing to flaunt these conversations in your face, which makes me think he is a pathetic and weak man. I'm sorry you are going through this. Who's name is on the title to the house? If its you, ask him to leave.


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## QualJin (May 26, 2012)

He owns the house with his ex wife. The pathetic thing (just one of many) is that we only got married last November. He told me that he was divorcing me in January/February of this year. The divorce is bad enough after such a short marriage and what he's put me through, now to have to deal with this is absolute torture.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why hasn't he filed for divorce yet? Since he has not filed it sounds like he is using the threat of a divorce as an excuse to do what he wants but to stay married.

Perhaps you should let him know how serously you take marriage.. that you will not be married and put up with his mistreatment... see an attorney and YOU file for divorce. 

As your attorney to seek interium spousal support for you if your income is a lot lower than his. The interim support will have to be paid to you until the divorce is final.

Also ask for the funds to get your own place. 

Stand up for yourself. Do not put up with this mistreatment.


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## QualJin (May 26, 2012)

He's filed the papers, but has not officially served me with them. He handed them to me but our state requires that a Notice of Service be filed with the court.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you seen an attorney to respond?

Do you have the money to move out and support yourself?

Why are you still living with him when he so obviously wants you out of the house he and his ex own?


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## QualJin (May 26, 2012)

I do not have an attorney. I cannot afford one. Next week I'm going downtown to see the family court advocate for help. As for living in the house, I have no place to go, not even to the shelters, because they have no space available, believe me I've tried to call. I don't have anywhere I can go locally, since I have no friends or family here. I'm trying to get as much money together as I can so that I can move out. My only option now is to live on the streets or rent a motel room for a few nights and then be on the streets. I'm in a motel room right now. :/


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I had a feeling that this is the position you are in.

How old are you and your husband?

Do you not have a job? Can you get one quickly if you don’t have one?

Is your husband giving you any money right now to help you out?
Going to legal aid is a good idea if they are able to help you. 
Does your husband have an income? Can he afford an attorney? Does he have any savings?

You can get free consultation for half hour to an hour from many attorneys. Find out your rights.

You can ask the court to order your husband pay for your attorney. 
You can ask for some money to cover the down payment and move in for an apartment.

You can ask for interim spousal support until the divorce is final. This would be 30%-50% of your husband’s income. Plus you can ask for some money to get a place. IT’s not fair that you are thrown out without even enough to rent a small apartment for yourself.

A divorce can take months, even years. I don’t know what state you are living in.. but in California it’s taking at least 18 months to get a divorce right now because they have closed down so many court rooms. So if you are in Cali you’d get spousal support for 18 months. 

Do not let him rush you into a divorce. I do not know the circumstances. But if you had a job and a place to live before you married… you gave those up and now this? You made choices based on his promises so at least get some help to get back on your feet. 

(I am assuming that you were not living on the street when you met and married him.)


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## QualJin (May 26, 2012)

I'm 41 and my husband is 54. I do not presently have a job. When I met and married my husband, I lived in another town and was looking for a job. When I moved here and we got married, he advised me against getting a job, since he traveled a lot for work, and me having a full time job would mean that I would be unable to travel with him. I decided that to still have an income I would try to start a freelance web design business (which I have tried to do). 

My husband is very gainfully employed, he works for a large, well-known university located back east and is affiliated through his employment with an even larger well-known Government agency. I have been trying to not let him rush me into a divorce so that I can save up some money. We've not been married very long. He has no savings. 

We married last November. About a month after we got married he fell into a deep depression, and after the beginning of the year, he decided he wanted a divorce. He suffers from bipolar disorder, which I did not know and BPD which I did not know about. I also came to realize that he is sexually predisposed to wanting to have sex with very young girls, (one of the reasons that he was attracted to me was because I look younger than 20). I also found out that he had sexual contact with his ex-wife's daughter which is really why the marriage broke up. I gave up everything to move down to a strange town because I believed that he meant to be a husband to me.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> The pathetic thing (just one of many) is that we only got married last November. He told me that he was divorcing me in January/February of this year.


So you were married for about 3 months?


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## QualJin (May 26, 2012)

costa200 said:


> So you were married for about 3 months?


Yes, that's when he told me that he was divorcing me.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

What the heck could have gone on in just 3 months to kill a marriage?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

costa200 said:


> What the heck could have gone on in just 3 months to kill a marriage?


The answer to that question is in her other thread. Basically her husband is bi-polar. He married her on a high and then crashed after they married. She has a long thread on it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

QualJin said:


> I'm 41 and my husband is 54. I do not presently have a job. When I met and married my husband, I lived in another town and was looking for a job. When I moved here and we got married, he advised me against getting a job, since he traveled a lot for work, and me having a full time job would mean that I would be unable to travel with him. I decided that to still have an income I would try to start a freelance web design business (which I have tried to do).
> 
> My husband is very gainfully employed, he works for a large, well-known university located back east and is affiliated through his employment with an even larger well-known Government agency. I have been trying to not let him rush me into a divorce so that I can save up some money. We've not been married very long. He has no savings.
> 
> We married last November. About a month after we got married he fell into a deep depression, and after the beginning of the year, he decided he wanted a divorce. He suffers from bipolar disorder, which I did not know and BPD which I did not know about. I also came to realize that he is sexually predisposed to wanting to have sex with very young girls, (one of the reasons that he was attracted to me was because I look younger than 20). I also found out that he had sexual contact with his ex-wife's daughter which is really why the marriage broke up. I gave up everything to move down to a strange town because I believed that he meant to be a husband to me.


Well, I gave you the best advice I can on how to protect yourself financially for several months while you get on your feet. If he does have a good income then the court can order him to pay your legal fees if you need an attorney.

The money is there, you just need to do what is needed to some suppport until you are back on your feet.


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## Berilo (Aug 2, 2011)

QualJin said:


> My H, who is divorcing me is having conversations on the phone and via texts and trading photos with other women. We are not divorced yet. It hurts me that he respects me so little that he would do this. Is he being unfaithful or am I making too much of this, seeing how we are headed for divorce anyway?


QJ: You mention that your husband might have BPD. My STBX-wife, who I strongly believe is a (high-functioning) BPDer, exhibited exactly the same conduct towards me beginning about 10 months into our marriage. She began to have constant furtive conversations and texts on the phone with "someone". In a few weeks she got even more bold/reckless, and started actually taking his calls and answering his texts in my presence, even during lunch or dinner -- including a special meal at one of her favourite places that I had arranged to talk about "us".

I found this behaviour to be shockingly inconsiderate and provocative. It was part of a wider pattern of inexplicable, weird conduct that caused me great consternation and pain.

But you can bet he is being unfaithful. But if he has BPD, that's only the appetizer: there's lots more to come in other aspects of your marriage.

If your husband has BPD, you are in a way fortunate that he is divorcing you, because you would otherwise probably be trapped in an awful situation that you would soon want to get out of yourself.

I am very sorry you are in this situation, but I echo the views expressed by others that you should look after yourself, get the heck out of this toxic relationship, and try as best you can to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back into a positive zone of life. 

- B.


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## QualJin (May 26, 2012)

costa200 said:


> What the heck could have gone on in just 3 months to kill a marriage?


That's the same question I was asking myself. When I first met him he told me he was taking antidepressants. I had no problem with that at all. Shortly before we got married, he decided to stop taking them. I did not think that was a good idea and asked him if he would go to his doctor for advice instead of quitting them cold turkey. He categorically decided against it. About two to three weeks after stopping the meds, he fell into a depression which steadily got worse. I tried to help as much as I could, because I know from personal experience that depression is difficult to deal with. Finally I asked him to go see the doctor again. He resisted at first, but eventually agreed to go. 

We started to bicker. I found that he had this terrible habit of interrupting me whenever I was speaking, either to finish my thought, or to tell me to cut it short. If I asked him to consider my opinions, he became dismissive. I was of the opinion that we should go to MC because I felt that we needed help so I set it up, with his agreement. He went with me for about six weeks then one day he told me that he had not been committing to working on his depression or the counseling but he would endeavor to do better with both. I thought he genuinely meant it. The next time we went to the MC he told her that he was not committed to the counseling. Two days later, he told me that he was divorcing me. Since then, he has been hateful to me. I have since discovered that he displays very strong traits of BPD. I am seeing a psychologist of my own and have told the psychologist about what I noticed, he believes that he is also narcissistic. Now he acts as though he is disgusted by my very presence. He dismisses my feelings about almost anything. He puts me down, he berates me. It goes on. His moods change literally in the same day. He'll yell at me one moment, and then is nice, almost sweet the next. He tells me that I'm bitter and can't deal with the fact that he just doesn't want me anymore or that he abandoned his commitment, all the while saying it in a most emotionless tone. Like I said, it goes on. I have been and am at a complete loss over this. I have been so sad over this. I feel like I fell in love with someone I never knew...


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

QualJin said:


> We married last November. About a month after we got married he fell into a deep depression, and after the beginning of the year, he decided he wanted a divorce. He suffers from bipolar disorder, which I did not know and BPD which I did not know about. I also came to realize that he is sexually predisposed to wanting to have sex with very young girls, (one of the reasons that he was attracted to me was because I look younger than 20). I also found out that he had sexual contact with his ex-wife's daughter which is really why the marriage broke up. I gave up everything to move down to a strange town because I believed that he meant to be a husband to me.


Excuse me? Did anyone report him to the authorities for the sexual contact with his step daughter??? I'm assuming she was what he is predisposed to... "very young girls".... based on how you worded it....


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## QualJin (May 26, 2012)

His ex wife simply sent the daughter to live with a relative and would have stayed married, only my H had decided that he was done with her. So no, no one reported him at all.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

QualJin said:


> His ex wife simply sent the daughter to live with a relative and would have stayed married, only my H had decided that he was done with her. So no, no one reported him at all.


Hmmm... Pretty sure there is no statute of limitations (think Sandusky). Report him. That's a pretty sick claim and his ex wife is as guilty as he is for sending the child away instead of hanging that man up by his ba!!s on his way to prison while she helps her dear daughter overcome such an awful, life altering situation.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

QualJin said:


> That's the same question I was asking myself. When I first met him he told me he was taking antidepressants. I had no problem with that at all. Shortly before we got married, he decided to stop taking them. I did not think that was a good idea and asked him if he would go to his doctor for advice instead of quitting them cold turkey. He categorically decided against it. About two to three weeks after stopping the meds, he fell into a depression which steadily got worse. I tried to help as much as I could, because I know from personal experience that depression is difficult to deal with. Finally I asked him to go see the doctor again. He resisted at first, but eventually agreed to go.
> 
> We started to bicker. I found that he had this terrible habit of interrupting me whenever I was speaking, either to finish my thought, or to tell me to cut it short. If I asked him to consider my opinions, he became dismissive. I was of the opinion that we should go to MC because I felt that we needed help so I set it up, with his agreement. He went with me for about six weeks then one day he told me that he had not been committing to working on his depression or the counseling but he would endeavor to do better with both. I thought he genuinely meant it. The next time we went to the MC he told her that he was not committed to the counseling. Two days later, he told me that he was divorcing me. Since then, he has been hateful to me. I have since discovered that he displays very strong traits of BPD. I am seeing a psychologist of my own and have told the psychologist about what I noticed, he believes that he is also narcissistic. Now he acts as though he is disgusted by my very presence. He dismisses my feelings about almost anything. He puts me down, he berates me. It goes on. His moods change literally in the same day. He'll yell at me one moment, and then is nice, almost sweet the next. He tells me that I'm bitter and can't deal with the fact that he just doesn't want me anymore or that he abandoned his commitment, all the while saying it in a most emotionless tone. Like I said, it goes on. I have been and am at a complete loss over this. I have been so sad over this. I feel like I fell in love with someone I never knew...


This guy isn't stable enough. You're in a very hard situation.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cherry said:


> Hmmm... Pretty sure there is no statute of limitations (think Sandusky). Report him. That's a pretty sick claim and his ex wife is as guilty as he is for sending the child away instead of hanging that man up by his ba!!s on his way to prison while she helps her dear daughter overcome such an awful, life altering situation.


The chances of them following through on a report like this is minimal to none. The child is no longer at risk as he's gone from her life. 

When I tried calling in a case I was told that since I was a 3rd party, even though the child told me, they would not investigate. This was in 3 states... callling the police and child protective services.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

EleGirl said:


> The chances of them following through on a report like this is minimal to none. The child is no longer at risk as he's gone from her life.
> 
> When I tried calling in a case I was told that since I was a 3rd party, even though the child told me, they would not investigate. This was in 3 states... callling the police and child protective services.


I guess so. It's just frustrating because I know the struggles victims of childhood sexual abuse face. And if this man is involved with other single mothers in the future, with an admission to being turned on by "very young girls", someone should try to stop him


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cherry said:


> I guess so. It's just frustrating because I know the struggles victims of childhood sexual abuse face. And if this man is involved with other single mothers in the future, with an admission to being turned on by "very young girls", someone should try to stop him


I agree. The most likely person to molest a child is the mother's boyfriend or husband (not the child's father).

Men who do this look for women with children to date. They come off as wonder full men who love the children. The women are generally so happy to have a man who pays attention to their children and a guy in their bed that they just look the other way.

This is why I believe a woman should date a guy for a couple of years before she introduces him to her children. If he pushes to meet the children right away dump him. 

Most child molesters will not wait 2 years for new victims. It's too easy to find women who willingly (and often innocently) put their children in harms way.


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## QualJin (May 26, 2012)

As a victim of childhood sexual abuse, I too understand the struggles that we face and I know that struggles that I still face even now. I suffer from PTSD and I also suffer from agoraphobia. I could never have let my stbxh get away with something like this had he done this to my daughter. My daughter is not here, not even in the same country, even so, I wish there was something I could do, not to be spiteful, but because I'm afraid that this may very well happen again.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

QualJin said:


> He's filed the papers, but has not officially served me with them. He handed them to me but our state requires that a Notice of Service be filed with the court.


One thing you need to talk to an attorney about is that he has filed but not had you served.

You need to make sure he has not also forged your name on a waiver of service. If he did the divorce could go through without you even knowing it. And after the fact it would take you a lot to prove that he forged your name.


You can even go to the court house and get copies of everything he has filed to make sure you know that he did file.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

QualJin said:


> As a victim of childhood sexual abuse, I too understand the struggles that we face and I know that struggles that I still face even now. I suffer from PTSD and I also suffer from agoraphobia. I could never have let my stbxh get away with something like this had he done this to my daughter. My daughter is not here, not even in the same country, even so, I wish there was something I could do, not to be spiteful, but because I'm afraid that this may very well happen again.


Who told you that he had interests in this young girl?


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## QualJin (May 26, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Who told you that he had interests in this young girl?


He told me about what he had done and he is the one who told me that he is interested only in very young girls.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Going back to the original question... Yes, he's committing adultery. But your marriage is, for all intents and purposes, over anyway. Would it be any better if you had signed the papers yesterday and he started dating today? 

Best thing you can do (in my opinion) is end it as quickly as possible, and start thinking about yourself. Don't let the actions of a confused ass drag you down.

C


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Your STBX has soooo many issues I'm happy for you. Really more time with him would be a turture. You always deserved way better.


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