# Hollow and Numb



## totallyconfused (Mar 20, 2009)

Greetings,

I've posted a few times here in the past. I'm not sure there's a question here, but I'd appreciate feedback.

Met my wife 15 years ago when I was the OM. She divorced. Karma fairly and firmly kicked me in the ass after we married and had our first child.

Wife had a 6 year on-and-off affair with OM1 (beginning 1 year after birth of our first child) and including the birth of our second child. Wife had a ONS with OM2 late in the affair with OM1. Wife sexted with OM3 on FB and told him about OM1 and OM2. (OM3 is a parasite who thrives on online flirting and learning juicy details but she has a very hard time seeing him as other than a friend who was there for her.) Lots of details, but basically she seemed to need attention from some OM whenever she felt bad. She did TT and only admitted what I figured out on my own. (For example, I only found about about OM2 when she admitted it to OM3 in a FB chat.) I would estimate that she really "left the fog", cut off ties with OM1 and OM3 about 12 and 3 months ago. She seems to be genuinely trying to R now in some ways (spending time, talking, communicating) but not in others (she's not interested in physical contact with me).

I'm confident that she's out of the fog and fully NC at this point. (I have access to email, chat records, cell phone records, use a GPS at random, only some of which she knows about.)

I've made it this far out of combination of stubborness, a strong sense of duty to our 2 children, a feeling of guilt that I deserved this, and building an emotional armor of numbness. She really does seem to be trying to reconcile in her own particular way and to be making concrete steps. But mostly I just feel numb. I want her to want me, but I feel next to no desire for her. I want to be happy and I can see her increasing happiness, but mostly I feel hollow.

It seems dumb to give up after having made it this long and dumb to give up after she's finally started to genuinely try (21 months after D-Day). Externally I'm doing fine. Thriving at work. Interacting with wife in a positive and upbeat way. Being a good dad. Even getting occasional IC from my minister. But internally, I'm numb, feel lost, and just want to walk away from everything in life.

Boy, rereading this is not fun.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Its good that you can admit that the karma bus ran over you. So what is she doing to fix herself besides a little IC with your minister? And why isn't she interested in sex with you? What's her reason for that? You've killed the affair at this point and are in R, yet you feel empty inside, like the spark that you had for her is gone. This is the way I feel right now also, and I'm trying to R for my kids and marriage too. I don't know what to say to get that loving feeling back.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

I feel terribly sorry for those children.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well first you need to decide what you want.

Do you want to stay married and reconcile? Or do you think you are done and can't get past the fact that there have been at least 3 men your wife has cheated on you with?

DO get tested for STDs.


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## totallyconfused (Mar 20, 2009)

Sorry if I was unclear. It's me that's getting some IC, not her.

What she's doing: engaging with myself and our children as a family, being upbeat and engaged in 1-on-1 interactions with me, being polite and respectful to me, stayed off FB for 3 months, working hard, etc. Basically, behaving like a great wife and mom with the exception of reforging a bond of emotional and physical intimacy. She's said she needs time to get there.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

So, your saying she's doing everything except what you need her to do the most. I would sit her down and tell her you have no plans on being celibate for the rest of your marriage, so she better get off the fence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## totallyconfused (Mar 20, 2009)

She is trying. Everything she's doing is stuff I wanted since D-Day.
However, she's not doing everything I want. (I still feel rejected.)
I think that as the threat of the A has receded and the overwhelming feelings of anxiety have faded, the feelings of rejection that have lingered under the surface for a long time are surfacing and I'm struggling to deal with them.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

From your other thread and last post on June 2, she only just said she would recommit less than a month ago. She might be in withdrawal and mourning the affair. You said she lost her job back in April, did she find another one yet?

You were already heading toward D with a lawyer and that's what kicked her off the fence and recommit. Just keep your eyes open and be cognizant that she might be playing nice and waiting for this to blow over until she can find an OM that she can take off with. The thread has not receded. It's damn near normal for one of them to fish for renewed contact with the first 3 months of NC.


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## totallyconfused (Mar 20, 2009)

alphaomega said:


> So, your saying she's doing everything except what you need her to do the most. I would sit her down and tell her you have no plans on being celibate for the rest of your marriage, so she better get off the fence.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good summary and good advice. Just hard for me to do, for reasons I'm struggling to figure out.


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## totallyconfused (Mar 20, 2009)

lordmayhem said:


> From your other thread and last post on June 2, she only just said she would recommit less than a month ago. She might be in withdrawal and mourning the affair. You said she lost her job back in April, did she find another one yet?
> 
> You were already heading toward D with a lawyer and that's what kicked her off the fence and recommit. Just keep your eyes open and be cognizant that she might be playing nice and waiting for this to blow over until she can find an OM that she can take off with. The thread has not receded. It's damn near normal for one of them to fish for renewed contact with the first 3 months of NC.


I threatened her with a D 12 months ago, not earlier this month. That's what precipitated the actual progress over the last year. It's really picked up in the last 3 months. And yet, as things are improving, I'm not feeling much.

She was out of work for 13 months. She's been back to work for about 4 months. That's probably had a big effect on her self-esteem as well.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Well, then she should be done with the withdrawal and mourning of the affair. I agree with alphaomega. She had better start putting out.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> You've killed the affair at this point and are in R, yet you feel empty inside, like the spark that you had for her is gone. This is the way I feel right now also, and I'm trying to R for my kids and marriage too. I don't know what to say to get that loving feeling back.


Wow, me, too. Maybe that is normal.


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## totallyconfused (Mar 20, 2009)

Glad to hear I'm not the only one.

It takes so much energy and force of will to kill the affair, hold on through the pain, and get to the potential to R, all for the hope of saving your family. Then you get to the cusp and there's almost nothing left.


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