# Except the person for who they are!



## 4One0 (Jul 7, 2021)

How do you handle the person you are engaged with that expects you to act and react the way they want you to?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You break up with them before getting stuck with them.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

When relationships first start, both sexes tend to be on their "best behavior" and do what they think the other will like. After some months (or sometimes years for the dedicated), they have to let their real self eek through. Often this is the time the partner says, "He's changed" or "She's changed." and "I want the REAL him back." They fail to realize the longer you know someone, the more authentic the version is. It's certainly usually not authentic in the beginning.

You date so that you can see if you're compatible. Once you find out you're not, you stop dating and move on. You don't have to marry someone just because you both fell in love with an illusion, and you shouldn't. Take time to know someone.

It's unrealistic to expect someone to love you for who you are when they fell for the more pasteurized version. Just means you're not compatible. As you get older, it's a bit easier to be authentic, but that doesn't mean the other person is too necessarily.


And if you're talking about someone who simply expects everyone to conform to the prince in her head, that's just her being too young and inexperienced. A lot of people go into each new dating relationship thinking fate is about to deliver the "ideal" romantic partner that they have in their head. So they try to fit them into that mold. It's very common. It's, again, inexperience. They have to wake up to reality. That "ideal" person in their head doesn't exist. But that doesn't mean they should accept just anyone. They should know when to let them go.


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## 4One0 (Jul 7, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> When relationships first start, both sexes tend to be on their "best behavior" and do what they think the other will like. After some months (or sometimes years for the dedicated), they have to let their real self eek through. Often this is the time the partner says, "He's changed" or "She's changed." and "I want the REAL him back." They fail to realize the longer you know someone, the more authentic the version is. It's certainly usually not authentic in the beginning.
> 
> You date so that you can see if you're compatible. Once you find out you're not, you stop dating and move on. You don't have to marry someone just because you both fell in love with an illusion, and you shouldn't. Take time to know someone.
> 
> ...


It’s extremely exhausting and confusing when everything can seem to be going great and then boom! I feel like you were this, I feel like you were that. Things will be made up to create a story and I’m like whaaaat? Where is this coming from? I say I understand to break the ice but truly I really don’t. It takes a toll on my mood. And when I take space mentally it’s “are you okay, you seem off now, and if there is tension she claims to want me to end it then and there”. But when she needs time I totally get it and let that person get time to breath even if it’s a whole night she decides to take to herself.


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## 4One0 (Jul 7, 2021)

bobert said:


> You break up with them before getting stuck with them.


So there is no way to work on this with your partner/fiancé? You don’t see it getting any better if you discuss this to them? I tried but it repeats over and over again.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

"So there is no way to work on this with your partner/fiancé? "

Uh-oh, see what you just did? The exact same thing she did, try to change you into what she wants. You just did the same. You two are not compatible. You date to find out if you are a good fit. You're not.


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## 4One0 (Jul 7, 2021)

4One0 said:


> It’s extremely exhausting and confusing when everything can seem to be going great and then boom! I feel like you were this, I feel like you were that. Things will be made up to create a story and I’m like whaaaat? Where is this coming from? I say I understand to break the ice but truly I really don’t. It takes a toll on my mood. And when I take space mentally it’s “are you okay, you seem off now, and if there is tension she claims to want me to end it then and there”. But when she needs time I totally get it and let that person get time to breath even if it’s a whole night she decides to take to herself.


I try to explain over and over again and it doesn’t get through her mind. And when my mood change I find it changing over the same conversations repeatedly over time. We met with a marriage planner about to spend a lot on it and all she is worried about is cuddling looking at her eye to eye like we don’t do that any other time. Saying we don’t look like we want to get married, I’m looking at the woman smiling and don’t seem interested in her. Like duh I’m interested in what she is saying about the money and the plan. Should I look mad at her? Then brought up if the tables were turned and she was to be smiling at a man. No comparison! Lol


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## 4One0 (Jul 7, 2021)

4One0 said:


> So there is no way to work on this with your partner/fiancé? You don’t see it getting any better if you discuss this to them? I tried but it repeats over and over again.





DownByTheRiver said:


> "So there is no way to work on this with your partner/fiancé? "
> 
> Uh-oh, see what you just did? The exact same thing she did, try to change you into what she wants. You just did the same. You two are not compatible. You date to find out if you are a good fit. You're not.


Thanks for your advice. I thought to try to work on things. But the way you put it just now made my eyes open extremely wide and caught myself trying to “please”.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

This is exhausting. End the engagement.


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## 4One0 (Jul 7, 2021)

Girl_power said:


> This is exhausting. End the engagement.


It is extremely exhausting.


Girl_power said:


> This is exhausting. End the engagement.


extremely exhausting. 😞


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You don't want to spend the rest of your life haggling with her. There will be a better fit come along.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Why don’t you accept you for who you are and be who you are and let the chips fall where they will.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

4One0 said:


> So there is no way to work on this with your partner/fiancé? You don’t see it getting any better if you discuss this to them? I tried but it repeats over and over again.


You work on it by dismissing her and moving on with things. Stop taking her so seriously when she’s poking at you or being unreasonable.
Smile, pat her on the butt and go on about your business.
Stop discussing it, stop arguing about it and start acting with confidence.

What do you do if an 8 year old calls you a poopy-head? Do you get upset, angry, defensive? Do you argue about it with them and try to get them to understand how you feel? -No, you pat them on the head and dismissively send them on their way. Or you put them in timeout.

Stop trying to placate her. When she’s being harassing and unreasonable, be dismissive with a smile. If she keeps it up, leave, go do something else. You can’t put her in timeout but you can remove your attention and presence.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

4One0 said:


> So there is no way to work on this with your partner/fiancé? You don’t see it getting any better if you discuss this to them? I tried but it repeats over and over again.


People can change, but lots of them don't. It was good that you stated your case and asked her to change, but now you have your answer. You have led the horse to water, but you cannot make it drink.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don’t marry someone whose behavior you don’t like. That tends to get worse as time goes on.


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## 4One0 (Jul 7, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Don’t marry someone whose behavior you don’t like. That tends to get worse as time goes on.


I was just told by a friend the same exact thing, word for word!


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## 4One0 (Jul 7, 2021)

SpinyNorman said:


> People can change, but lots of them don't. It was good that you stated your case and asked her to change, but now you have your answer. You have led the horse to water, but you cannot make it drink.


Very true! I just believed in working out flaws and thinking maybe it would change. Thought old married couples would have gone through thick and thin. It’s way more and much more serious things but I just can’t seem to get pass the thin part.😕


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Is she paying for the wedding?
If she is then just let her make the decisions.
If you don’t like how she is acting - don’t marry her! Life is too short to be with someone you aren’t compatible with.

And her expecting you to just go along with all her requests? No, you aren’t a puppet! You are a human being with thoughts and feelings.
If she is going to disrespect you - don’t marry her!


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

4One0 said:


> It’s extremely exhausting and confusing when everything can seem to be going great and then boom! I feel like you were this, I feel like you were that. Things will be made up to create a story and I’m like whaaaat? Where is this coming from? I say I understand to break the ice but truly I really don’t. It takes a toll on my mood. And when I take space mentally it’s “are you okay, you seem off now, and if there is tension she claims to want me to end it then and there”. But when she needs time I totally get it and let that person get time to breath even if it’s a whole night she decides to take to herself.


She sounds narcissistic to me. Its about what she wants.


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## 4One0 (Jul 7, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> She sounds narcissistic to me. Its about what she wants.


Complains when my mood change..I told her my mood changes because of the simple **** and if she doesn’t like it she needs to evaluate the part that she plays and stop doing it.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Never settle down with someone while expecting them to change. This goes both ways.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

4One0 said:


> Very true! I just believed in working out flaws and thinking maybe it would change. Thought old married couples would have gone through thick and thin. It’s way more and much more serious things but I just can’t seem to get pass the thin part.😕


I'm sorry. I know it's heartbreaking. It's heartbreaking because you really were in love with the person you hoped she was.


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## 4One0 (Jul 7, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> Is she paying for the wedding?
> If she is then just let her make the decisions.
> If you don’t like how she is acting - don’t marry her! Life is too short to be with someone you aren’t compatible with.
> 
> ...


Nope not at all. I never asked either. But she states she wants to pay for something because that’s her wedding too. 
That **** beats a person down and I’m beginning to get numb to it where it’s like whatever I expected this.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Accept is much different than Except.
Your title had me off balance.
Nevertheless, if you are seeing that is who she is - I wouldn’t marry her if it rubs you the wrong way.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Reading this thread reminded me of the old Zombies song "She's Not There."









Talk About Marriage







www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

To quote Don Draper (Mad Men), "people tell us who they are but we ignore it because we want them to be who we want them to be".


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

4One0 said:


> How do you handle the person you are engaged with that expects you to act and react the way they want you to?


How do I handle them?

I tell them to go pound sand.

ETA: My guess is you'll deny what you're feeling and marry this woman anyway. Come back to this forum when all the **** hits the fan and you're sick and tired of each other. Because from where I'm sitting this is a disaster in the making. Seriously.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

4One0 said:


> I try to explain over and over again and it doesn’t get through her mind. And when my mood change I find it changing over the same conversations repeatedly over time. We met with a marriage planner about to spend a lot on it and all she is worried about is cuddling looking at her eye to eye like we don’t do that any other time. Saying we don’t look like we want to get married, I’m looking at the woman smiling and don’t seem interested in her. Like duh I’m interested in what she is saying about the money and the plan. Should I look mad at her? Then brought up if the tables were turned and she was to be smiling at a man. No comparison! Lol


I think maybe instead of a marriage PLANNER you need to meet with a marriage counselor. These types of communication issues need to be resolved or you will NEVER be good together in your marriage.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

I think if I had to come up with the #1 piece of advice to give someone before entering a serious relationship or marriage I would say to never settle, and never accept anyone unless they completely fit your criteria....

Of course there are always _acceptions_....


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

4One0 said:


> So there is no way to work on this with your partner/fiancé? You don’t see it getting any better if you discuss this to them? I tried but it repeats over and over again.


It takes two people putting in the work required to make a relationship work, and (pay special attention to this next part) neither of them can do the work of the other.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

You could ask a moderator to combine your two threads...


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Ever heard someone talk about how things sucked before the marriage and then afterwards everything magically improved? No, because it never happens.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

We’re going to chat with you in the divorce section in a year or two ..... see you there.


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## Skruddgemire (Mar 10, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> When relationships first start, both sexes tend to be on their "best behavior" and do what they think the other will like. After some months (or sometimes years for the dedicated), they have to let their real self eek through. Often this is the time the partner says, "He's changed" or "She's changed." and "I want the REAL him back." They fail to realize the longer you know someone, the more authentic the version is. It's certainly usually not authentic in the beginning


There is a level of authenticity there though. Though you are correct that it is often the most highly polished version of yourself. However you can't polish what isn't there. If you act like something that you are not, that usually trips the warning flags of the other person and it won't go to far. 



4One0 said:


> So there is no way to work on this with your partner/fiancé? You don’t see it getting any better if you discuss this to them? I tried but it repeats over and over again.


Oh yes there is. Continuing on with what I was saying above, you're going to show the highly polished version of yourself. As the relationship relaxes and everyone gets to see the average version of each other, the quirks come out. If it's a bad habit like leaving the toilet seat up or throwing dirty clothes on the floor...then that might be something one has to work on if the relationship is to go on. However if one partner has a hobby that the other does not like (say singing along with the car stereo...an issue that came up in one of my relationships) then the other partner has to realize that they really shouldn't deny something to their partner that they have a passion for lest they really damage the person.

In my case I'm still not able to bring myself to sing with the radio and that was done to me 24 years ago. 

But there are people who do that. They'll take away their ability to have their friends, to have their passions, to do their own thing because they don't understand the passion and are unwilling to realize that taking away the things that they hold dear will change that person and not in good ways. They'll get sullen, listless, lose interest in anything, maybe even suffer depression. And then "He/She's not the man/woman I fell in love with"

Well no [excrement], Sherlock!



4One0 said:


> I try to explain over and over again and it doesn’t get through her mind. And when my mood change I find it changing over the same conversations repeatedly over time. We met with a marriage planner about to spend a lot on it and all she is worried about is cuddling looking at her eye to eye like we don’t do that any other time. Saying we don’t look like we want to get married, I’m looking at the woman smiling and don’t seem interested in her. Like duh I’m interested in what she is saying about the money and the plan. Should I look mad at her? Then brought up if the tables were turned and she was to be smiling at a man. No comparison! Lol


Forgive the metaphor, Relationships are planted in common ground. All parties need to tend the ground, keep it fertile and well watered. If one of the parties stops tending the common ground, then the relationship withers. Sometimes if the one starts tending it again the relationship can recover and thrive. Otherwise it dies. 

In your case, you REALLY need to consider whether or not she's putting in her share of the work. It's not looking good from where I'm standing.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

4One0 said:


> How do you handle the person you are engaged with that expects you to act and react the way they want you to?


I would react by giving them back the engagement ring, and wishing them a happy future.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

4One0 said:


> It’s extremely exhausting and confusing when everything can seem to be going great and then boom! I feel like you were this, I feel like you were that. *Things will be made up to create a story and I’m like whaaaat? Where is this coming from? I say I understand to break the ice but truly I really don’t.* It takes a toll on my mood. And when I take space mentally it’s “are you okay, you seem off now, and if there is tension she claims to want me to end it then and there”. But when she needs time I totally get it and let that person get time to breath even if it’s a whole night she decides to take to herself.


How old are you guys? Is this a first relationship for either of you?

To the bolded, when people "make up stories" about things that happened, things that were said, etc., that's called gaslighting. They are trying to convince you of something that never actually happened or was never actually said. Also, ever say that you understand where she's coming from just to settle things down; stand up for yourself, and say that you're confused; that what she's saying doesn't make sense to you and you need further clarification.



4One0 said:


> So there is no way to work on this with your partner/fiancé? You don’t see it getting any better if you discuss this to them? I tried but it repeats over and over again.


There is a way to work on it, and it can get better, but both people have to be willing to communicate their way honestly through the issues, and both people need to be open. If need be, both need to be willing to seek help outside of themselves (therapist, couples counsellor). The fact that you try to talk to her and situations keep repeating speaks leaps and bounds to me, and not in a positive way.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Massive red flags are waving at you.

These behaviors will become amplified during marriage, especially if you are planning to have kids.

Thank your lucky stars you realized early and move on.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

4One0 said:


> _*I tried but it repeats over and over again.*_


Do you know the definition of insanity?

It's doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting DIFFERENT results.


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## Fly With Me (Jul 11, 2021)

40ne0

You sound like a great guy. She is very lucky to have you. Whilst I agree with almost everything that's been said to you here I have a slightly different perspective.

I was like your fiance for a long time in my marriage and I regret it more deeply than anything else in my life. I think the person we fall in love with is the real them. Who we are deep down. But relationships are crucibles. They bring out the best and the worst in us - all the childhood crap we need to work through. We then either get stuck in patterns and loops and games often similar to our parents' relationships or we can break the cycle.

When one person steps out of the 'game' it forces the other person to reevaluate. 

The man I married. That I fell in love with disappeared for a long time or parts of him did. And in my emotional immaturity and selfishness I used anger and control and manipulation to try to get him back. There's no excuse for it. My behaviour was toxic and deeply harmful and hurtful. But I was still there underneath all that. It had the opposite effect to what I wanted it made him feel like I didn't want all of him and he suppressed even more of himself. 💔


After far too many years of pain, when he stepped out of our cycle and told me he wanted to leave, it changed everything. Him standing up for himself, telling me the truth, not just what I wanted to hear but the real truth was all the real me had ever truly wanted.

So I agree with all the other posters - as it stands this relationship sounds toxic and so does her behaviour. But she is not toxic and I believe the person you fell in love with is who she really is. If you step out of the cycle, stand up for yourself, tell your truth kindly and firmly and as someone else said, give and remove attention when she behaves childishly and manipulatively, it opens up a beautiful opportunity for both of you.

It might be everything she really wants from you. And whilst the first few times she will fight it and test the crap out of you, when she sees the steel in you it will force her to decide. Then she gets to either grow with you into the kind of relationship you both dreamed of or you let her go and find someone who can learn to be who they really are and accept you as you really are underneath the woundedness we all bring into relationships.

If it were me, and since it was me, I'd love it if you gave her that chance. 

Whether she starts to respond and respect you more or not resources like the book 'No More Mr Nice Guy' and groups that help you work through your childhood attachment styles might really help on your journey in this relationship or the next.

I wish you all the very best.


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## 4One0 (Jul 7, 2021)

Fly With Me said:


> 40ne0
> 
> You sound like a great guy. She is very lucky to have you. Whilst I agree with almost everything that's been said to you here I have a slightly different perspective.
> 
> ...


 Your response was deep! Thank you for all of this!❤🖤


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## 4One0 (Jul 7, 2021)

Ursula said:


> How old are you guys? Is this a first relationship for either of you?
> 
> To the bolded, when people "make up stories" about things that happened, things that were said, etc., that's called gaslighting. They are trying to convince you of something that never actually happened or was never actually said. Also, ever say that you understand where she's coming from just to settle things down; stand up for yourself, and say that you're confused; that what she's saying doesn't make sense to you and you need further clarification.
> 
> ...


I’m 32. It is our first engagement. I tell her I’m confused and to clarify things she meant and it gets even worse lol or say I’m trying to argue. She calls everything passive aggressive and it bothers tf out of me because she uses that as her escape 🥴.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Where you're at right now (engaged) it's NOT supposed to be this difficult. If you're fighting over this stuff and feeling this way now, with no kids, mortgage, parents and other loved ones getting sick and passing away, losing jobs, and so many other difficult things a husband and wife will go through, my friend nip this in the bud now (end this) because things will only get more difficult and I see nothing but MISERY in your future.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

4One0 said:


> I’m 32. It is our first engagement. I tell her I’m confused and to clarify things she meant and it gets even worse lol or say I’m trying to argue. She calls everything passive aggressive and it bothers tf out of me because she uses that as her escape 🥴.


I would probably suggest counseling to you both, both individual and as a couple.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Marriage will happen, kids will come, divorce and/or alimony/child support will follow. Its just a matter of ⏰


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

4One0 said:


> I’m 32. It is our first engagement. I tell her I’m confused and to clarify things she meant and it gets even worse lol or say I’m trying to argue. She calls everything passive aggressive and it bothers tf out of me because she uses that as her escape 🥴.


I don't get the lol's you post in your responses. Nothing funny about this hot mess. Nothing at all.

But go ahead and keep discussing your crappy relationship. No skin off my nose here. 

This is going to end badly. But you won't be the first man to stick his tongue in the moving blades of a fan. Won't be the last either ....


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