# Not ready for a relationship, so then what?



## Westerner (Jan 22, 2021)

I've been talking quite a lot to a woman who I once worked with since this past spring. I told her I had feelings for her despite knowing that she was in a relationship. This man she was in a relationship with is one who had plenty of legal problems that kept them from being together. They also have two children together. 

Her and I talked for several hours every day, hung out every once in awhile and became the biggest parts of each other's lives. We have had sex twice. Her man came back into the picture briefly and I took a step back as she wanted to see what they had together, if anything. He was forced to move out of state due to the rules of his parole and just recently, she informed him that she no longer wants the relationship. Of course, this has led to this man laying guilt trips on her, badmouthing her and just being a real prick. She is handling it about as well as could be expected. 

Of course, now I feel the door has opened for me but she says she's not ready to jump right back into another relationship as she has been "held down" for so long. She says that it's not me, she just doesn't want a relationship with anyone at this particular time until she has had time to completely get over this other guy. That makes sense, as it is still so fresh. 

She knows how I feel as I have been very forward with telling her that I want a relationship with her for at least the last 6 months. She has told me, several times, that it can happen some day but she wants to know that she can give me 100 percent of her when it does. I respect her decision and feel she is worth waiting for, but what do I do in the meantime? I have stated that I will stand back and allow her to figure this out. I'll be there for her as much or as little as she needs me to while she does, but I have also stated that I'm not interested in being "friends forever". 

How would you guys suggest I handle this at this moment? I don't want to pressure her into doing anything but I also don't want to be in a holding pattern for God knows how long. Any advice would be much appreciated.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You move forward, no friendship/fwb with her, nothing. Let her have her time and space to get over things. If you're still available if she contacts you wanting more, great, if not, wasn't meant to be.

How long you choose to stay in limbo is your choice, not hers, she has no control over that.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

By waiting for her you are giving her power in your fake relationship, therefore you should definitely start to date lightly, again being up front with her if she asks, by doing this you tell her that you would like something with her but right now you are going to be open to dating others.


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## Westerner (Jan 22, 2021)

Thanks for the responses. Every time we try to "take a break" from each other, which is always her idea, she ends up being the one to initiate contact back with me. Every single time. And that doesn't even last two days before she does. I get such mixed signals from this woman.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

When she says she doesn’t want a relationship with anyone right now does she mean she’s not interested in dating or does she intend to casually date other men. If it’s the latter then this makes you plan B.
Never be anyone’s plan B. Plan B never becomes plan A.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Westerner said:


> I've been talking quite a lot to a woman who I once worked with since this past spring. I told her I had feelings for her despite knowing that she was in a relationship. This man she was in a relationship with is one who had plenty of legal problems that kept them from being together. They also have two children together.
> 
> Her and I talked for several hours every day, hung out every once in awhile and became the biggest parts of each other's lives. We have had sex twice. Her man came back into the picture briefly and I took a step back as she wanted to see what they had together, if anything. He was forced to move out of state due to the rules of his parole and just recently, she informed him that she no longer wants the relationship. Of course, this has led to this man laying guilt trips on her, badmouthing her and just being a real prick. She is handling it about as well as could be expected.
> 
> ...


Just let her have space. She will probably need a year at least before she is emotionally ready for another serious relationship. Cut the ties and get on with your life.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Westerner said:


> Thanks for the responses. Every time we try to "take a break" from each other, which is always her idea, she ends up being the one to initiate contact back with me. Every single time. And that doesn't even last two days before she does. I get such mixed signals from this woman.


Then you be the strong one and suggest that you have a long break so she can decide what she wants. She will not heal and get emotionally healthy if this keeps happening. I supect that she feels lonely and needy hense her contacting you. 

Personally I dont think you shoul have gone after a woman who was in a relationship with 2 children. Would you like it if a man went after a woman you were in a relationship with?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Westerner said:


> Every time we try to "take a break" from each other, which is always her idea, she ends up being the one to initiate contact back with me. Every single time. And that doesn't even last two days before she does. I get such mixed signals from this woman.


So do you want to be in a relationship with someone whose behaviour pattern is like that?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Have you posted about this situation before under a different user name? Because this is deja vu all over again.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Westerner said:


> Thanks for the responses. Every time we try to "take a break" from each other, which is always her idea, she ends up being the one to initiate contact back with me. Every single time. And that doesn't even last two days before she does. I get such mixed signals from this woman.


And that's on you. If you were serious about moving forward and letting her go (which is what you need to do) , you would block her so she can't contact you. This merry go round only continues because you allow it to.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Let’s get down to some tough love here to help you from being a casualty in a fiery train wreck.

For starters, she has a few screws loose and is a whack job in the first place since she is involved with a jail bird that isn’t even allowed in that area. The fact she would get involved with creep like that in the first place means the Issue Bus stops at her house every day. So she is basically bad news on a good day.

Second, you are likely a rescuer and have a bit of White Knight Syndrome. At the core of guys that want to be a Knight in Shining Armor (KSA) is an insecure little boy that believes he can’t do any better and can only pick up the rotten fruit off the ground and try to shine it up.

It’s like buying a junker car from the junk yard at scrap value and thinking you can fix it up to run well. 

At its core this is a self esteem and confidence issue on your part because you believe you can’t get a chick that runs right. 

Thirdly, if you have been chasing this chick and telling her you want a relationship for 6 months and this is all you have to show for it, then you have your answer and that answer is no. 

The reason she is dangling the carrot in front of you and saying ‘maybe some day’ is so that you will continue to be her emotional tampon that she cries to and you are there to stroke her ego and tell her how great she is. 

You kiss her emotional boo boos and put a bandaid on her bruised ego and then she goes to the bar and blows some biker in the bathroom and screws him on the counter. 

Then when he ditches her, she comes back to cry on your shoulder while you wipe her tears and tell her how great she is and that she doesn’t deserve to be treated like that.

Rinse and repeat.

You are being a beta orbiter and she is playing you as a chump and emotional tampon.

You are in the friend zone and being a simp. 

Give her space, but give her the space of the universe as go on about your life leaving her behind to her own train wreck. 

Work on yourself. Grow and develop yourself as a man. Accomplish things. Gain value as a man. As you develop yourself, women of higher worth and value will take notice and you will be able to choose a woman that is not some Amy Schumer character. 

Stop trying to rescue damsels in distress. They got locked in the tower by being dysfunctional and stupid and making bad choices in the first place. 

Dr Laura Schlesinger said it best in her book, “The Ten Stupid Things Men Do To Mess Up Their Lives,”. 

“All that men who rescue damsels in distress have to show for it at the end of the day is a distressed damsel on their hands.” 

Rescue this damsel and all you will have to show for it is messed up chick with problems who keeps you at arm’s length while she bangs criminals but keeps you around as an emotional tampon to sooth her ego so she can go bang more criminals.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> Never be anyone’s plan B. Plan B never becomes plan A.


Exactly right. You will always be plan B. You are, already. This is why she is "not ready"..... she just enjoys the ego kibbles she gets from giving you a whiff of her perfume and seeing you go into feeding frenzy.....

If you get into a long-term relationship with her, the jail bird will occupy your bed.....



oldshirt said:


> she has a few screws loose and is a whack job in the first place since she is involved with a jail bird


"whack job" is an eloquent way of saying it. Any woman involved with a jail bird is not one you want to have anything to do with.



oldshirt said:


> It’s like buying a junker car from the junk yard at scrap value and thinking you can fix it up to run well.
> 
> the Issue Bus stops at her house every day


Yep. That's it. Cut, and run. Move on to someone worth your time and attention. This one needs to be a contestant on Jerry Springer's "Baggage" show.
It's gonna be you carrying the baggage.....

Please read what @oldshirt wrote above, about 25 times. No, 60, two times each day for the next month.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> this is deja vu all over again.


It's a story heard over and over and over and over.....countless thousands, yea, millions, of men, could write it.... I am one of them.....


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

TJW said:


> It's a story heard over and over and over and over.....countless thousands, yea, millions, of men, could write it.... I am one of them.....











New here, looking for help with frustrating situation


Hello all, this seems like a great place to get some good advice on what has become a very difficult situation. I became attracted to a woman that I work with earlier this year. I eventually professed my feelings to her, knowing that it would be a risk. For one, I knew that it could impact our...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com





This is the deja vu I referenced.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Let her go completely and move forward without her.
_
This man she was in a relationship with is one who had plenty of legal problems that kept them from being together. They also have two children together._

Would advise you that her problems will become your problems and you will not have a happy end with this woman.
This woman is using you as a safety net / back up. You will down the road be used as a punching bag when she redirects the fury of her "man" towards you. More to follow on this below.

_1) She has told me, several times, that it can happen some day but she wants to know that she can give me 100 percent of her when it does.
2) Every time we try to "take a break" from each other, which is always her idea, she ends up being the one to initiate contact back with me. Every single time. And that doesn't even last two days before she does. I get such mixed signals from this woman._

She has given you nothing but an empty promise while she continues to use you. Every time you take a break and she starts to think you will slip away she pulls you back in. She doesn't want you but she also doesn't want you to find someone else. Your friend not only likes but desires the excitement and drama that she gets from her "man." You have also been selected not to provide the excitement she needs but the stability she needs to chase the excitement. You can bet that she will play you off against the other man and vice versa.

_Her and I talked for several hours every day, hung out every once in awhile and became the biggest parts of each other's lives. We have had sex twice. Her man came back into the picture briefly and I took a step back as she wanted to see what they had together, if anything._

Rest assured every time the other man comes back into the picture you will be set aside and she will take up with him. He is her priority. You are not and it is unlikely you ever will be.

It is also likely her man is unaware that you are in the picture. If he is, she will have described you in unflattering and non threatening terms. At best you are just a friend at worst she will paint you as a tool she is using. Your friend will throw you under the bus if she needs to. What do I mean? You can be certain he is unaware you have been intimate with her. If he learns that you have, he will be unhappy? angry? violent? She will claim whatever she needs to in an effort to avoid his displeasure and keep her hold over him. You will be painted as the problem in their relationship. Even though you are blameless he will come after you. She can claim in a moment of weakness she came to you for comfort. It was a mistake and then she will claim you won't leave her alone. The other man will seek you out and deal with you.

Would strongly recommend you cut all contact and involvement with this woman. She will use you anyway she can and she will bring you to ruin.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

I think the OP is long gone


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## Westerner (Jan 22, 2021)

Laurentium said:


> I think the OP is long gone


I'm still here. 

Most of what has been said above is true, I know all of the responses I have received are correct. I wish I could be big enough to tell her to kick rocks. For some reason, I know things are going to have to get REALLY bad before I do that, I just know myself. 

The poster who said the other man doesn't know about me was correct. But he does now. He found out about me last night and basically beat the **** out of her. She called me early in the morning to tell me that he punched her with a closed fist in the face, right in front of their son and the son told his dad "I hate you". She claims to hate him (and has said so for weeks now) and says she doesn't want to do this anymore. She has told him that she is no longer in love with him and just wants to be friends for their kids. He lays a massive guilt trip on her every time and says things like "How can you do this to me" and "You were supposed to be waiting for me but all you are is a *****". 

It's a situation I can't believe I've allowed myself to get into. I definitely have the "white knight syndrome" and want to show her what a real relationship would be like, because I know I'm capable, but I agree that is unlikely. I think this relationship has ruined her for anyone else.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Westerner said:


> I'm still here.


My apologies for my mistake!


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Sounds to me like she wants your friendship but has not let go of this man who is jerking her around there is someone else in the picture. If she really wanted to be with you she would be and she would not give the reasoning that she is not ready. Her head is caught up with someone else and she is keeping you in case this other situation does not pan pout like she is hoping.


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

Westerner said:


> It's a situation I can't believe I've allowed myself to get into. I definitely have the "white knight syndrome" and want to show her what a real relationship would be like, because I know I'm capable, but I agree that is unlikely. I think this relationship has ruined her for anyone else.


If you work consistently to develop some REAL self worth, you won't feel the need to 'prove' yourself worthy of anyone, you will KNOW, and because you will know, people like those you currently seek will be left behind in the dust. 

Once you learn to value yourself from within, you will be amazed how much crap you 'used' to put up with.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Westerner said:


> It's a situation I can't believe I've allowed myself to get into. I definitely have the "white knight syndrome" and want to show her what a real relationship would be like, because I know I'm capable, but I agree that is unlikely. I think this relationship has ruined her for anyone else.


Were I you I would not trust the information she has been sharing with you about the other man.

If the other man has actually laid hands on her why hasn't she gone to the police? Sure she is scared, loves him, etc. But it is also likely you are being told a tall tale unless you have seen the bruises yourself. I would be very surprised if she is not used to playing men against each other.

He may indeed know about you but does he know you have been intimate with her? When he does you can expect a visit and violence to follow.

Up to you how to move forward but I would cut contact and move on.


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