# my h's technique sucks...



## michelle38 (Jul 11, 2012)

how can I make him understand that?

I've tried many ways. Definitely do not want to hurt his feelings. But no matter how many times I have gently reminded him--for example, please do not put your finger FORCEFULLY on my sensitive button. Esp with no foreplay, whatever, but that's exactly what he did last night again. Came in bed and put his finger right there and started rubbing. It's just awful and painful. I held his hand and told him to stop. He also always gets my hair tangled up under his arms, grabs my breasts, and I kept trying to tell him to be gentle. For a while I gave up because he said "I cannot even touch you" and he accused me of making him lose his erection by being so picky.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Yeah, i'd tread pretty carefully with this thread. Comments from wives about husbands beng bad in bed seems to get people really riled up here, and not in a good way. Hopefully you have realy thick skin, some folks can be brutal
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

I would say continue being patient. Guys are visual so sometimes the words don't stick. Show him with your hands how you like it. Just let him watch you masturbate until you orgasm a few times. Then have him put his hands on top of yours to feel your touch, helps him feel how you like pressure, speed and progression. 

Maybe watch a few porn flicks that show some foreplay that goes the way you think you like it. 

Once he gets the idea how you like using fingers he generally just needs to follow the same technique with his tongue. After he gets that down it is time for both tounge and hands together, just be VERY obvious once he hits he patern you like best. 

Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## glitchathon (Oct 22, 2009)

Not sure porn with foreplay will work. Guys just don't get it (speaking as a guy myself). Try buying him SherI Winston's "women's anatomy of desire". It explains in plain english why foreplay is important. Is he the kind of guy that would read a book on sex?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

Er.. I don't really find there's good correlation between watching cunnilingus in porn and how to do it right in real life. Porn is visual, and good cunnilingus would block the camera from seeing anything.

Let me suggest a technique that's good for directing my wife. If I want her to perform a particular sex act, I get better results by saying "I love it when you do X" than "I wish you would do X more." The point being that you're expressing your enjoyment of something you like, and that gets good results.. Whereas expressing anything negative (the second way of asking implies the partner is doing something wrong by not doing something) is not effective.

Here's my specific recommendations based on my experience. My wife always liked oral stimulation better than manual stimulation from me because she found my fingers too rough, but even my tongue can be too hard.. I find when licking her clit, I need to barely be able to feel it being touched. But my wife also really likes her labia to be stimulated, and she likes it rougher there and likes to have them sucked on.. Usually it works better to just use the clit for the final ramp up from plateau to get her to orgasm. 

Next time, pick up your husband's hand and move it down. I suspect it will feel better there, it seems the clit is less able to take harder stimulation.. And if it feels better, really make sure it's what you like.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Ok, guys don't have this problem. You can grab our c0ck and we are fine with it. He somehow has to learn the difference. My wife cannot take direct clitoral stimulation at all until she is warmed up. Someone said men are like a microwave and women are like crock pots. Here are things that have helped us:

1. I don't mind the feedback. I want to do what feels good for her So she can tell me "lighter..slower...faster...harder...etc." and I have no problem with it.

2. Reading books together like "The Guide to Getting It On" (good chapter on "finger f*cking). and "Your Long Erotic Weekend".

3. She will take my hand and say, "Like this..."

4. I am much better at oral, so we do that instead of my finger.

PM me if I can help more.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

The way I solved this problem was by telling my dh that I was going to control him for the night... I took his hand and showed him how to touch, pleased him, made him not touch me during this process, made a game out of it, then during oral, said I am in charge one slow soft lick only.... then pleased him orally very softly, etc. back and forth, you get the picture, my DH finally got the picture after that of what i liked, but in a non demeaning, nicely sexual way. Never had a problem after that.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

livelaughlovenow said:


> The way I solved this problem was by telling my dh that I was going to control him for the night... I took his hand and showed him how to touch, pleased him, made him not touch me during this process, made a game out of it, then during oral, said I am in charge one slow soft lick only.... then pleased him orally very softly, etc. back and forth, you get the picture, my DH finally got the picture after that of what i liked, but in a non demeaning, nicely sexual way. Never had a problem after that.


:iagree:

Now there is one intelligent woman! That is awesome! I bet the student really enjoyed the classroom THAT night!!!

Never mind my earlier post...this is much better.


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## viggling (Apr 27, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> The way I solved this problem was by telling my dh that I was going to control him for the night... I took his hand and showed him how to touch, pleased him, made him not touch me during this process, made a game out of it, then during oral, said I am in charge one slow soft lick only.... then pleased him orally very softly, etc. back and forth, you get the picture, my DH finally got the picture after that of what i liked, but in a non demeaning, nicely sexual way. Never had a problem after that.



wow i am impressed with that technique maybe ill show this post to the GF


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

michelle38 said:


> how can I make him understand that?
> 
> I've tried many ways. Definitely do not want to hurt his feelings. But no matter how many times I have gently reminded him--for example, please do not put your finger FORCEFULLY on my sensitive button. Esp with no foreplay, whatever, but that's exactly what he did last night again. Came in bed and put his finger right there and started rubbing. It's just awful and painful. I held his hand and told him to stop. He also always gets my hair tangled up under his arms, grabs my breasts, and I kept trying to tell him to be gentle. For a while I gave up because he said "I cannot even touch you" and he accused me of making him lose his erection by being so picky.


That does sound awful. I've not had to deal with this but we do enjoy watching each other from time to time.

My suggestion would be to mutually masturbate in front of one another, no touching. As you touch yourself, be sure he has a good view of what you're doing... maybe whisper/talk your way through of what it is you like as you're doing it. Don't mention the negative or differences in the way he touches you. Simply emphasize why it's turning you on and what you're doing. You won't need a huge dialogue as you'll be giving him the visuals too. Tease and school him, while pleasing yourself. If you're up for that, it will be quite the foreplay in itself as well as a lesson. And if you decide to have sex from that moment before climaxing, hold onto your wigs!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

michelle38 said:


> how can I make him understand that?


oh and.... I don't think you need to make him understand that his technique sucks, rather you need to teach him what works.


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## michelle38 (Jul 11, 2012)

Thank you. It's just some things do not seem to stick, like the clitoris needs to be BARELY touched, but I always get more pressure than that. I think he has the time frame confused too--the crock pot is not warm yet, and when it's warm it can take much more roughness. He has seen me masturbate but what probably sticks in his mind is how hard I do it before O. 

I do not know if he is "afraid of me"--he has said the power my vaginal muscles have right before O can break bones (this was with his finger inside. I have not been able to reach O with PIV yet). 

I would really love to have an intense O with him inside me, but it's frustrating. We try fingers a lot more because I never liked oral. Honestly, I think it was because his technique was bad. I am a lot more open now but not sure how to teach him oral. I give him very good bj but the technique is so different. I am also worried he will be "bored" if he gives me oral too long. Another thing that scares me is in the past, when I tried to get him to go slow and do more foreplay, he often lost the erection and got mad. You can imagine what that does to me. I gave up and did duty sex for many years.


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## michelle38 (Jul 11, 2012)

Oh, and regarding the mutual masturbation idea, it's good except it would be hard for me to show him visually--I really love simultaneous stimulation on the clitoris and inside, so when I masturbate I do it from behind, with 2 fingers. If I do it "porn style", full frontal view, I would never orgasm.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

michelle38 said:


> I gave up and did duty sex for many years.


Sorry that you gave up and he didn't clue on. How long did you give it to guide him, before you gave up before? If he's used to duty sex with you, I wonder if you now need to step way back and start from scratch. 

Kiss, flirt, make-out, introduce sensual intimacy...... by the sounds of it, you most likely don't currently have those things? It's time to make sexy time fun and positive and connecting again. 

This may need to begin with you and your approach attitude. Your thread title indicates blame/annoyance. I understand why but the approach is so important.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I hope your husband is receptive to the gentle suggestions some here have given. Not all men are, not even when ya try to be careful how it's appoarched.

My ex's response to me saying anything about what I liked was to not tell him anything because he knows what he was doing.

Well most of the time he did... but there were a few things where he did not and it could bet very frustrating... not being able to guide him or show him or anything made it even more frustrating.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

michelle38 said:


> I would really love to have an intense O with him inside me, but it's frustrating.


One thing that works well is to stimulate yourself with your fingers while he's in you. You can go a easy or hard as you like... and it leads to a great orgasm.


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

michelle38 said:


> Thank you. It's just some things do not seem to stick, like the clitoris needs to be BARELY touched, but I always get more pressure than that. I think he has the time frame confused too--the crock pot is not warm yet, and when it's warm it can take much more roughness. He has seen me masturbate but what probably sticks in his mind is how hard I do it before O.


I find it very interesting personally what the female body goes through during arousal, so for my part it's a motivator to have good attention to detail. I've read about techniques and since reading it I notice how my wife's parts puff up from getting filled with blood as she gets aroused. Maybe if you try to have him watch you masturbate that might be something you could point out to get him interested in learning more about how you work. (Breasts and nipples get a little more puffed up too.)

The book I read in this case I got online, I found "The Female Orgasm Black Book." The book describes a technique that is probably a good starting point, but really it's useful as a guideline rather than a fixed method.



> I do not know if he is "afraid of me"--he has said the power my vaginal muscles have right before O can break bones (this was with his finger inside. I have not been able to reach O with PIV yet).


It's good to know that you can get vaginal orgasms from fingering, how is the intercourse anyway? 

Reason I ask is that early in our relationship I did give my wife vaginal orgasms, but that was also because we regularly started with oral sex and did that until she orgasmed. More recently, it's been a matter of doing oral as long as she feels like and she doesn't always feel like getting an orgasm from oral. But I learned how to control my ejaculation so I don't have to hold back on how hard I thrust and I last longer. Now she usually can get a vaginal orgasm during intercourse if she feels like it.

This control I learned from reading "Lasting Longer: The Treatment Program for Premature Ejaculation"



> I would really love to have an intense O with him inside me, but it's frustrating. We try fingers a lot more because I never liked oral. Honestly, I think it was because his technique was bad. I am a lot more open now but not sure how to teach him oral. I give him very good bj but the technique is so different. I am also worried he will be "bored" if he gives me oral too long. Another thing that scares me is in the past, when I tried to get him to go slow and do more foreplay, he often lost the erection and got mad. You can imagine what that does to me. I gave up and did duty sex for many years.


In my experience, my wife loves getting oral, but she wouldn't have a clue how to teach me. The best she's been able to offer is to say when she likes it like that, but what I'm doing and what she thinks I'm doing aren't the same thing. 

The trick in all of this is that your husband might improve reading the things I read, but I read those things on my own... I think you have to somehow nudge him in that direction by getting him to see that you're a complicated sexual being that he'd be interested in learning more about... Just handing him books and telling him to read it, maybe not be the best approach.. 

Advice always goes to the guys that if they want their wife to do something in bed you gotta make them think it was their idea. I think the same applies here, but frankly I don't know how to do that even though I think I've managed to do it myself.


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> One thing that works well is to stimulate yourself with your fingers while he's in you. You can go a easy or hard as you like... and it leads to a great orgasm.


This, by the way, is a turn-on for many guys (myself included) because it can say "I like sex!" 

If there's any hestance on his part, you might sell it by saying it makes his **** feel more intense inside you or something like that.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

What I do when I give my wife oral is start very lightly around the clitoris, not right on it. As she begins to move I can be more direct. Then as she gets even closer I put one or two fingers in and massage her G spot. This gives her one intense orgasm (she can only have one).

Another thing you might try is point him to David Shade and his writings on being a masterful lover. He talks about a "deep spot" in the vagina (different than the G spot). I used this technique on my wife last week and WOW!!!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

his technique doesn't suck.it just sucks from your point of view.other women may love what he does.so you can't go around saying he sucks..it's mean and unnecessary.

When things aren't going the way I want them to go I bring out my dominant side. "this is how it's going to go. you don't touch me unless my hand is guiding you...or you'll be punished my dear" accompany that with a sexy naughty smile;-)

if that's not your style, the only thing you can do is keep being patient, guide him without being a total jerk about it. obviously he feels you're picking on him so it could be about the way you say things and it could be his ego is fragile when it comes to his skills.

men aren't born with Clit Knowledge.There is no Clit Rubbing 101 taught in school and MOST women will just lie there and take it without saying a word.How the heck is a man ever supposed to learn what a woman wants with such a lack of knowledge sources??

Some guys get so turned on and excited they turn rough without realizing it. You have to keep leading him with your hands,body language,and sounds.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Just tell him you love him with all your heart........But because hes to rough to fast It makes it difficult for you to orgasm. ans that you would love to guide him as to what you really like. and not to worry if he loses his erection because you will bring it back with the blow job of a lifetime!~


or even better yet get him off first then show him/guide him you might be suprised that he might want round two after seeing you all fired up!!!!


good luck!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

ScarletBegonias said:


> his technique doesn't suck.it just sucks from your point of view.other women may love what he does.so you can't go around saying he sucks..it's mean and unnecessary.
> 
> When things aren't going the way I want them to go I bring out my dominant side. "this is how it's going to go. you don't touch me unless my hand is guiding you...or you'll be punished my dear" accompany that with a sexy naughty smile;-)
> 
> ...


some men are born with clit knowledge! :smthumbup:


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

michelle38 said:


> how can I make him understand that?
> 
> I've tried many ways. Definitely do not want to hurt his feelings. But no matter how many times I have gently reminded him--for example, please do not put your finger FORCEFULLY on my sensitive button. Esp with no foreplay, whatever, but that's exactly what he did last night again. Came in bed and put his finger right there and started rubbing. It's just awful and painful. I held his hand and told him to stop. He also always gets my hair tangled up under his arms, grabs my breasts, and I kept trying to tell him to be gentle. For a while I gave up because he said "I cannot even touch you" and he accused me of making him lose his erection by being so picky.


Reading that and trying to imagine that in succession i see why your husband lost his boner... Virtually nothing he did was pleasing to you and he felt that you were doing some sort of chore. Total mood killer... 



> I've tried many ways.


And you find that telling him to STOP and be gentle is the best way? What other ways have you tried?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

floxie said:


> Yeah, i'd tread pretty carefully with this thread. Comments from wives about husbands beng bad in bed seems to get people really riled up here, and not in a good way. Hopefully you have realy thick skin, some folks can be brutal
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not towards a wife who is looking for solutions and not trying to run her marriage into a blender and expect everyone to be on her side about.



livelaughlovenow said:


> The way I solved this problem was by telling my dh that I was going to control him for the night... I took his hand and showed him how to touch, pleased him, made him not touch me during this process, made a game out of it, then during oral, said I am in charge one slow soft lick only.... then pleased him orally very softly, etc. back and forth, you get the picture, my DH finally got the picture after that of what i liked, but in a non demeaning, nicely sexual way. Never had a problem after that.


This pretty much to start. If he's receptive to this approach, then there is a much bigger issue here likely stemming from a lck of respect towards you, IMO.


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## ffp20 (Nov 13, 2011)

I suggest you buy the book She Comes first and softly suggest he read it to get pointers on he can drive you over the edge. Its a great book for a man to read. I wish i knew the stuff in the book yrs ago.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

He sounds a lot like me when I started.


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## michelle38 (Jul 11, 2012)

Thanks. Some of the readings seem good and I will look into them. 
@ Elegirl: it is a little hard for me to stimulate myself with him in me, just because of the position. He also kind of thinks my finger is in the way. I did discover that with me on top the grinding motion helps rather than the up-and-down motion. My h is still under the impression hard thrusting brings women pleasure. Well, sometimes it does, but not all the time. 

@WillK: the problem is my h HATES reading. In the past, when our marriage had problems, i got some books too and even post-ited the pages for him to read since there's no way he would read an entire book, but the book was left to collect dust. He does know and think I am a complex sexual being, but his comment is "too complicated". Or "I am just not up to your standard (to satisfy you)". 

@ScarletBognias: actually, I am pretty sure other women would be uncomfortable with my husband's technique too. This is an anonymous forum and talking here does count as "being mean to my h". When I saw another woman being badgered about saying her h's technique was bad I could identify with some of the frustration. We are taught men's ego is very fragile and often frank communication about "technique needs improvement" becomes difficult and awkward. Many women would eventually give up esp if the h is not receptive at all. If every time I mention something h feels he's being picked on then of course I would learn to shut up. 

@Costa200: I can tell you my h did not lose his boner because i was a mood killer. Although I said 'duty sex", I was far from a frigid unresponsive woman and what we did was lots of clitoral orgasms first (with him rubbing me) then penetration. we used this for many years and he enjoyed it. When I started going for more intense vaginal orgasms he started feeling i was too demanding. 

I feel my h was in a way kind of selfish. Many times he would just put my head down without any foreplay whatsoever, sometimes this was in the middle of night, and expected a bj. This was a major turn-off. I love giving him bj if we can get in the mood first. Just recently he lost erection during a session and got mad (basically he said "let's go to sleep" and brushed my arms off him, turned his back towards me). Next morning we woke up and he had his morning stiffness, but he just tried to put my head down there and said suck it out. I was still hanging from the previous night (and when he turned his back towards me I did not say anything), so I found this very irritating. I very nicely asked him if he was still interested, then without any warm-up (not sure if he was afraid to lose it again) he penetrated me and finished quickly. This not only did not bring any satisfaction, it made me feel worse. I do not know if it makes sense to other women, but good sex makes you want more, and bad sex just leaves you....a terrible feeling, still wanting, but it exhausts you.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

michelle38 said:


> I feel my h was in a way kind of selfish. Many times he would just put my head down without any foreplay whatsoever, sometimes this was in the middle of night, and expected a bj. This was a major turn-off. I love giving him bj if we can get in the mood first. Just recently he lost erection during a session and got mad (basically he said "let's go to sleep" and brushed my arms off him, turned his back towards me). Next morning we woke up and he had his morning stiffness, but he just tried to put my head down there and said suck it out. I was still hanging from the previous night (and when he turned his back towards me I did not say anything), so I found this very irritating. I very nicely asked him if he was still interested, then without any warm-up (not sure if he was afraid to lose it again) he penetrated me and finished quickly. This not only did not bring any satisfaction, it made me feel worse. I do not know if it makes sense to other women, but good sex makes you want more, and bad sex just leaves you....a terrible feeling, still wanting, but it exhausts you.


Without defending his reaction, consider that he was embarassed about losing his erection. It is not exactly the most manly feeling, so him turning his back may well have been to hide his feelings. While he clearly handled that poorly, as well as the next morning, understanding that might help you deal with him.


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## michelle38 (Jul 11, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Without defending his reaction, consider that he was embarassed about losing his erection. It is not exactly the most manly feeling, so him turning his back may well have been to hide his feelings. While he clearly handled that poorly, as well as the next morning, understanding that might help you deal with him.


I do understand that, but when this repeatedly happens (and I have never said anything negative), his lame way of handling (which sometimes ends up being him saying--again--"sorry I AM NOT UP TO YOUR STANDARD")gets old. What "standard"? He is basically implying I have too high of a "standard". I repressed my urges for years because of that. 

BTW, in terms of ED, i don't think it's a true case. We have also used Cialis before and got good result, but he does not need it all the time.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

michelle38 said:


> I do understand that, but when this repeatedly happens (and I have never said anything negative), his lame way of handling (which sometimes ends up being him saying--again--"sorry I AM NOT UP TO YOUR STANDARD")gets old. What "standard"? He is basically implying I have too high of a "standard". I repressed my urges for years because of that.
> 
> BTW, in terms of ED, i don't think it's a true case. We have also used Cialis before and got good result, but he does not need it all the time.


Absolutely. He is handling it like a child. But it seems pretty clear to me by his reaction that he is embarassed and feels like he has failed you. His comment is both over the top in trying to avoid looking at himself, but also a grain of truth in that he can't perform for you. It is not your fault, but recognize that he is likely embarassed and feels like a failure.

I have no idea if it is truly ED, but I can say much of it is likely mental. I had it happen once during a particularly stressful work week and after to much alcohol. The next time was nerve wracking, because all I could think of was whether it would happen again. I handled it better than your husband, but I was still embarassed.

Again, I am trying to defend him, just trying to get you to understand what he might be feeling. He needs to change how he reacts, but you have a better chance of leading that change if you have a better understanding of his emotions.


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

Nothing good advice wise to tell you. Just stopped in to let you know I feel your pain. I tried everything to get my husband to understand me sexually and nothing worked. 

In my defense I've never had any trouble getting there or having a good time with any of my previous sexual partners. (never told stbx this btw) Which makes it even more frustrating to me. I guess some people can't be taught.

This did effect my marriage and had some influence on my decision to divorce as well.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

michelle38 said:


> I do understand that, but when this repeatedly happens (and I have never said anything negative), his lame way of handling (which sometimes ends up being him saying--again--"sorry I AM NOT UP TO YOUR STANDARD")gets old. What "standard"? He is basically implying I have too high of a "standard". I repressed my urges for years because of that.
> 
> BTW, in terms of ED, i don't think it's a true case. We have also used Cialis before and got good result, but he does not need it all the time.


Michelle, just a heads up. On THIS board, your not being satisfied by his technique will be seen as your fault. I say that to say, don't put too much stock into everyone's advice, nor give too much info about your husband. Especially if that info is negative, this is a VERY pro-man board (the men andtheb women). You know, their frail egos and all... lol

But my advice would be to actually show him what you like by using his body. Specifically his nipple. Tell him to pretend that his nipple is your clitoris and you're going to show him how you'd like it. Be as gentle as you would want him to be with you. I tried it with my husband and it worked great. And be willing to standup for yourslef, if he says that your standards are too high, let him know that his are probably too low and that it's not that difficult to satisfy you if he'd be willing to listen and learn. I know that the sulking like a child, and the tantrums can be annoying, my husban's a pro, but just try and ignore it. Definitely don't become resentful and angry with him though, apparetly that'a illegal here and is grounds for being totally degraded and insulted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

floxie said:


> Michelle, just a heads up. On THIS board, your not being satisfied by his technique will be seen as your fault. I say that to say, don't put too much stock into everyone's advice, nor give too much info about your husband. Especially if that info is negative, this is a VERY pro-man board (the men andtheb women). You know, their frail egos and all... lol


Not pro-men, just not pro-martyrs who cheat.



> But my advice would be to actually show him what you like by using his body. Specifically his nipple. Tell him to pretend that his nipple is your clitoris and you're going to show him how you'd like it. Be as gentle as you would want him to be with you. I tried it with my husband and it worked great. And be willing to standup for yourslef, if he says that your standards are too high, let him know that his are probably too low and that it's not that difficult to satisfy you if he'd be willing to listen and learn. I know that the sulking like a child, and the tantrums can be annoying, my husban's a pro, but just try and ignore it. Definitely don't become resentful and angry with him though, apparetly that'a illegal here and is grounds for being totally degraded and insulted.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is actually good advice that was given by others. Blind squirrels and acorns I guess.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

floxie said:


> Michelle, just a heads up. On THIS board, your not being satisfied by his technique will be seen as your fault. I say that to say, don't put too much stock into everyone's advice, nor give too much info about your husband. Especially if that info is negative, this is a VERY pro-man board (the men andtheb women). You know, their frail egos and all... lol


It's certainly your fault if, when asked if there is a problem, you lie and say everything is great.

Not one responder to your post advocated lying to protect your husband's fragile ego. You came up with that all on your own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michelle38 (Jul 11, 2012)

MrsOldNews said:


> some people can't be taught.


I often feel this is true...

As far as teaching goes, I actually do not know how to teach him to do oral. I have no interest in a lesbian experience  and all I know is how I can please myself with fingers. Perhaps I can become that flexible with yoga. :rofl:

Last week I teased (and tried to give a hint) to my h that I could not find my charger to my Lelo "personal massager" (that thing is crazy. It looks in no way like a vibrator). He said all I think about is sex. Sigh. I hardly even use that thing because it's just not love making. I did try once with him inside me from behind and the vibrator in the front. It was quite good and I need to find the damn charger But my h said he felt a little weird because he got some of the vibes too. 

I also try to hint to him nicely about little details--for example, if he can take a _meticulous shower _ because I love to lick him around and INSIDE his backdoor. Thank God he finally heard me on that one. I do not think that's being picky. And I mention these things in the nicest coy and non-demanding tone I can manage...


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

michelle38 said:


> I do not know if it makes sense to other women, but good sex makes you want more, and bad sex just leaves you....a terrible feeling, still wanting, but it exhausts you.


There's certainly selfishness on his part but I'm inclined to think it's mostly wrapped up in his insecurities. He's blaming you like a child but chances are he most likely would really love to please you. He's on the defense and insecure. I also wonder how this dynamic between you, plays outside the bedroom too. 

So where does that leave you?

As you're the one who's posting, it does often come down to suggesting ways you can behave to help bring about a different outcome with your SO. I do think when sex is approached from a more positive and reassuring way (I'm not suggesting reassure what he's currently doing, no!), then progress has more chance of happening. I think sex and ego are very much in bed with one another. It's extremely vulnerable to be so intimate with another and have to strip our egos down to be in that moment. Nurturing that sense of vulnerability, outside of the bedroom too, can assist with having walls broken down inside the bedroom. Does that make sense? 

To be treated differently, I think some push-back/boundaries may be needed from you along with a positive, fun and "let's get on the same page" mentality. He will need to step up, it's just you'd be the one initiating the change in dynamic between you.

I mentioned before about going back to basics. I feel the need to write this again. Can you just kiss, flirt and make-out for a while? Do you kiss outside the bedroom?


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

Ya know Michelle the more I read, the more I think the problem isn't in the technique, it's in the relationship. When there's a good relationship and adequate comfort, it is my experience that you can get enjoyment out of things which create revulsion when there is discomfort in the relationship. I'm getting a sense that there is resentment between the two of you. I think you need to fix that before worrying about what his fingers do to your clit.


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## michelle38 (Jul 11, 2012)

@heartsbeating:
interesting you mention. We rarely, if ever, kiss or flirt outside bedroom. I often approach him and try to kiss him (just on the cheeks) but he brushes me off as "immature" and "inappropriate". I know I know this sounds weird, but he has ALWAYS been like this. 
@WILLK:
well, there was resentment before (on my part), it got a lot better and that's why I'm working hard on our sex. Sometimes I feel it's not worth it. We went on vacation recently and things were great without kids around. For a short time we had sex daily, although the technique problem hangs around, I did not mind much and was very happy about our time together. Once we are back he is back to paying all attention to work and kids. It sounds weird a woman is complaining about her h paying too much attention to kids (i swear i gave birth to these suckers ), but it's true I keep telling him our relationship comes first, then everyone around us including kids. He does not quite get that. Of course I have no objection having a great Dad for my kids, but i just want to make time for ourselves. 

Basically, I am trying to see if he will get the idea how important it is to have a good sex life. But if he does not, then I will (try to) kick all the passion and desire into storage and carry on normal daily stuff.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

floxie said:


> Michelle, just a heads up. On THIS board, your not being satisfied by his technique will be seen as your fault. I say that to say, don't put too much stock into everyone's advice, nor give too much info about your husband. Especially if that info is negative, this is a VERY pro-man board (the men andtheb women). You know, their frail egos and all... lol
> 
> But my advice would be to actually show him what you like by using his body. Specifically his nipple. Tell him to pretend that his nipple is your clitoris and you're going to show him how you'd like it. Be as gentle as you would want him to be with you. I tried it with my husband and it worked great. And be willing to standup for yourslef, if he says that your standards are too high, let him know that his are probably too low and that it's not that difficult to satisfy you if he'd be willing to listen and learn. I know that the sulking like a child, and the tantrums can be annoying, my husban's a pro, but just try and ignore it. Definitely don't become resentful and angry with him though, apparetly that'a illegal here and is grounds for being totally degraded and insulted.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I love how you bash this board and its members without giving the true reason why you yourself were bashed (maybe link the thread you started next time) yet immediately offer up some wisdom that was provided to you just a few days ago on this very board from another member.

The members on this board are VERY positive thinking people in general and have been very helpful to me and it appears many others. If you come in with an open mind and willingness to try to work to improve your marriage sexually, this forum is awesome.

It's not so awesome if you come in with a vendetta against your husband and seem bent on demeaning him to a group of anonymous strangers though. I think we know why you don't find this board so awesome.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

michelle38 said:


> Last week I teased (and tried to give a hint) to my h that I could not find my charger to my Lelo "personal massager" (that thing is crazy. It looks in no way like a vibrator). He said all I think about is sex. Sigh. I hardly even use that thing because it's just not love making. I did try once with him inside me from behind and the vibrator in the front. It was quite good and I need to find the damn charger But my h said he felt a little weird because he got some of the vibes too.


My fiancee said this was a fantasy of hers for a long time, but she was never with a partner before me who would agree to it. I'll admit I was a bit nervous about it the first time, but one night we went for it and she really enjoyed it. And I was happy for her.

And even though she talked about it for like two years after, it was only about a month ago she did it again, despite my encouragement to try it again, repeatedly. :scratchhead:


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## J.R.Jefferis (Jun 27, 2012)

It seems the focus of this thread is how bad he is in bed. But my question is, how good are you?? As the saying goes, "it takes two to tango" and good lovers always feed off each other and learn from each other. If he is bad in bed it might be a reflection of how bad you are in making love to him. Ever considered that?

JR


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

heartsbeating said:


> *As you're the one who's posting, it does often come down to suggesting ways you can behave to help bring about a different outcome with your SO.*


I just wanted to emphasize this again, because I am sure it is very tough to come to this board with a problem that your husband has and then get all kinds of responses on what you need to change. Probably seems pretty unfair.

The problem you face is that he isn't posting here. If he was, he would get an earful about what he needs to do to fix his side of the street. But since he is not, we are trying to help you better understand him, as well as comeup with an action plan to encourage him to change. You can't make him, but you can make it easier for him. 

In these types of situations, there is often a bad cycle that develops, where neither person wants to make the first move (or does not know how), so they get stuck. It takes one person to break that cycle and reach out. It is hard, it risks hurt, and it may not even work. But it seems to me that it is better than just living the same hurful cycle over and over.

Good luck.


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## michelle38 (Jul 11, 2012)

J.R.Jefferis said:


> It seems the focus of this thread is how bad he is in bed. But my question is, how good are you?? As the saying goes, "it takes two to tango" and good lovers always feed off each other and learn from each other. If he is bad in bed it might be a reflection of how bad you are in making love to him. Ever considered that?
> 
> JR


Obviously I cannot tell u how good I am, but as long as I know, that's fine. I have objective proof on that, but I am being loyal to my h and have no intention to talk to any past lovers about this. 

I suppose someone saying "my h sucks" sounds demeaning, but it is out of frustration, if I have said over and over again (always nicely) pinching my nipples hard is uncomfortable and he still does it, and I always tell him touching my hair and kissing me behind ears makes me feel very good, but he still doesn't do them, then i do not know what to do. It's like always following the same recipe. I am a lot more adventurous, but my h does not care about these things. I've been putting on different perfumes ( I used to not wear any) but he does not even notice. He dose see the lingerie (not that old to be blind I suppose), but he proceeds with the same method. I touch him all over to hint that's how I like it, but he still only grabs the breasts and fingers down there. Yeah, frustrating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

Well... maybe if you grab his breasts and yank hard down there...


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## J.R.Jefferis (Jun 27, 2012)

I agree that some instructional videos and materials might help. I personally like Michael Webb's stuff...he is the guy that comes on Oprah every now and then


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## michelle38 (Jul 11, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> By the way, I don't know how to put this gently. Did he date much or has he led kind of a sheltered life before meeting you?


no need to be gentle. He didn't date much and was a virgin
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> This always made me feel like I was doing something wrong. I thought if I was able to make her reach orgasm, she wouldn't need to do that.
> 
> Maybe it is my own lack of experience.


With all due respect... There are wrong attitudes that can become the seeds of performance anxiety, and this is one. 

The female orgasm is something she has as a result of being comfortable enough to let go, and in many ways she can only have one when she chooses to.

Now, clitoral and vaginal orgasms are said to feel different I've heard, being not a woman I couldn't say from experience, but that's what I heard.

I understand how it can make one feel like a man to be able to give your wife an orgasm, but it's an outcome that is more up to her than up to you, and the best thing you can do is let it happen and enjoy the process regardless of outcome. She might sometimes have sex because you want it even though she's not looking for it, and she might enjoy it, but not be after an orgasm. That's still just as enjoyable anyway - and it was nice that she shared herself with you.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

michelle38 said:


> no need to be gentle. He didn't date much and was a virgin
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



OP,
I have read your posts and I feel your frustration.
How can a guy even think of approaching a woman in that manner?
Just stick his finger _where?_
Shyt!
I have never approached my wife or any other woman by sticking my tongue,finger or any other appendage into any part of her anatomy.
I understand the part where you said he was a virgin . But I believe every married man ought to educate himself about the female anatomy , sexual response and his wife's sexual desires.
Something is definitely wrong here.
Sounds really self centred to me.


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

If my husband treated me like that then it would probably be over for me. 
So come on guys, what does the OP have to do?


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