# Advice Please



## rmalcom4 (Dec 8, 2010)

Not sure about this but ok......My husband and I have been married for 12yrs, 2 kids. The whole marriage has been completely hard. I guess mainly my fault. We both agree we love each other. Thats never been the issue. 
The main problem is I pay bills. When we get paid, we go out to eat, buy things for us or the kids. Then before I know it we have spent to much money. And then I am struggling to get things paid. This has happened our whole marriage. My husband will ask did you pay this or did you pay that. My response is yes. Knowing I am lying. And this will go on until I basically get caught, because our lights are cut off or our house is a couple months behind or just whatever bill I put off. I know I have a great husband becuse has put up with this for years. . He has always says, tell me hey we can't pay this bacause we gotta pay that. And everything will be ok. But I don't. And I am not sure why. He has a very quick temper and I guess I am scared he is going to get mad at me (like when a kid does something wrong). When ever I have lied and gotten caught he yells and screams and leaves (which I dont blame him) and go to bars for other women. Then when we start talking he tells me what he has done and says if I hadn't lied then he wouldn't have done it. We forgive each other I promise I won't do it again and he does the same. I hate lying to him and it tears me up inside. I am so tired of living like this, and putting him and our kids through this. I know I jeopardize my marriage everytime I lie and I do it anyway. Also know that my husband will not put up with this forever. And I don't want to lose him or what we have.I suggested marriage counesling but not sure if it is something that will help. Please be honest


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

You have two different issues. Issue one: Get rid of the stress of not being able to pay your bills. Get a copy of Total Money Makeover. And follow it. It isn't rocket science, what is in the book. But it can help you get ahead of your bills. It will get rid of the "before you know it." You will always know you have enough money for your bills because your budget will guide your spending. When the dining out category is gone, no more dining out.

Now, that said. It sounds like you may have self control issues. If the envelope with teh dining out money is empty, are you just gonna pilpher from the electricity envelope? Don't take that as a criticism! Been there, done that! If that is the case, perhaps a little self study, google search, books at the library on self control might help. I am thinking of doing that myself on some issues I am having.

Another thought is if you have trouble with it, can your DH take over the family finances? Many years ago, before my DH had grown up a bit and developed self control of his own, he was a MASSIVE over spender. He would go over his cell phone minutes, he would buy electronics... you name it. We got over our head DEEP. I took over all finances and basically put him on an allowance to dig ourselves out. It helped him learn to control his spending!

If this is the only thing you lie about, then perhaps removing that stressor and source is all you need to do. 

Wrt to the lying. He needs to get control of his temper. I might address it with him like this. I know you hate it when I lie. I am going to make a little project out of fixing our finances. I have a book I am going to read on personal financial management (cuz I KNOW you are going to go to the library and get a copy of the book I recommended!) and try and fix it so we can pay our bills on time. That will take time. In the meantime, I will try my best to be honest when you ask me. For your part, I would like you to try not to fly off the handle when I am honest. When you get mad at me, it makes me want to lie next time. I know it is upsetting. If you can tell me it is upsetting calmly or take a time out from me until you can be calm, that would help me immensely.

Something like that.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I strongly suggest marriage counseling. You both need to realize the part you play in this. Neither of you is fully to blame. Its a safe place where you can talk about a constant nagging issue like this without all the emotion, hurt, and poor communication that comes with that. 

The dynamic you currently have is bad, and I think your husband probably doesn't fully understand how his actions and attitude effects you. However, how you acted wasn't proper either. 

It really might only take a few sessions if there aren't that many other issues, but you might need to go back later if the problem creeps up again.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I have to second vthomeschoolmom. That is great advice. There is definitely two sides to this problem, and both sides are making the other side much worse. You have poor money management skills, but they are made worse by the lack of support from your husband and the fear of his reactions, so you cover it up. He has self control issues, as well as a lack of respect and compassion for you, which is made worse when you give him cause to lose respect for you by lying.

I would still recommend marriage counseling, but in this case you can go into that with a much different approach from what most couples go in with. You aren't on the verge of splitting, you both know you still love each other, but you both (hopefully) can admit to having *personal* issues that very much impact your spouse. There are a lot of skills you can both learn there that will make this process much simpler. Hopefully your husband won't be too afraid of the counseling if he knows that it isn't all about blaming him or a precursor to divorce or something like that.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i was with you, i do that all the time hmmm pay light bill....ooorrrr, i could get some beauty stuff uhg....tough decision, NOT sorry light bill...husband asks week later you handled that bill?? yea. yea man totally did okay...i so didnt, and now he wants to do something with the money on the next check...CRAP...im an idoit...

i have to tell him, later, but he just shruggs, well next two times you want somthing you cant..i pout stomp say THATS NOT FAIR, YOU CANT DO THAT TO MEEEE!!!!!

he just looks at me with a blank look, you good now, me--no, but what can i say i lied embezzled from the household, and cheated..

i now start to plan ahead, if i pay things off before they get out of hand i will have more money later for what i want..i save the smallest bill for last..and put a little inside the envelop with the pay coupon, and i hide it so no one will find it...even if its just a couple of ones or a five-er every so many days, it can add up. if i got most of the big bill covered, than it wont be so hard to take care of the smaller ones, and i always leave the phone until, its convient for me, i dont care, i cant do everything in the first week in the month.

hope this helps....


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